# Is there something wrong with me??? Why can't I get a boyfriend?



## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

In good old typical SAS fashion, you won't get any replies or support because most of the guys in your situation will dismiss you for being young and claim that you couldn't possibly have any problems because you're female, and being female instantly resolves all your social awkwardness apparently.

Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to say that I can relate. I often don't have any issue garnering attention or getting members of the opposite sex to be attracted to me, instead what is often lacking is social fluidity or charm. Given the paucity of those two items, trying to approach a female with flirtation in mind feels a bit like steeling oneself to take a dive off the top board (while having an instense fear of heights), which is kind of weird because when you remove the expectation and attraction from the equation, it can be much easier to be witty and friendly with people.

It's either that or at first you don't realise that you're attracted to someone, so you approach the situation comfortably and are able to talk smoothly enough to seem normal, but then once the penny drops that they're interested in you and you start feeling the same in return, it's like a whole bunch of pressure mounts on you to perform and the standards that you have to perform at are dramatically increased. I really don't understand the dynamics of flirtation at all, nor do I have the skills to navigate it, so my advice probably isn't the best here.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@lonerforlife908

If you are a pretty woman, men will think more sleep with (short term) than dating material (long term). Same applies to us pretty men with some women, which makes dating harder for pretty women, men. Not easier as most would assume.

You probably won't meet many good men at clubs. It's more for drinking, dancing, winding down after a week at work, hanging out with friends.

Work or work functions, sports, concerts, events, gym, classes in school, Uni are some places where some people have met their partner.

I believe you'll need to workout what your ideal partner looks like, does as interest's (similar to yours) and then go where they would go. It makes it easier to find a partner, but doesn't guarantee that you would.

I wish you the best in finding that man for you.


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## Iced (Feb 7, 2011)

Canada?!

I'll be you bf if you help me take this stupid Mystic gym.


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## VanitysFiend (Jun 13, 2016)

Iced said:


> Canada?!
> 
> I'll be you bf if you help me take this stupid Mystic gym.


Screw u, mystic rules!


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## Iced (Feb 7, 2011)

VanitysFiend said:


> Screw u, mystic rules!


Don't get me wrong, I love mystic players.

So many of them.

Makes it easier to take gyms :lol


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## TonyH (Mar 8, 2015)

Not sure if many will be able to help, but I think deep down you may know the root cause of the issues. Perhaps it is this, you are socially anxious and people may mistake that for arrogance or you give off wrong vibes e.g being unattainable. Ha, will it really matter in the future so much if you haven't had a boyfriend at age 18? And I know this probably isn't what you want to hear so sorry if I come off as cold.

You will find that person one day and do you know how you'll find that person? By participating in society and just being you. As you develop yourself through books, CBT, therapies, well known authors and cutting edge psychology (and I pray you have the time and resources), you will one day transform into the best version of yourself. I suppose medication possibly too, but that is never long term sadly. Except Nardil but even then it's a gamble. I mean if you want to take the medication-express train you can. Still books and CBT are needed for better results.

It's easy to become distraught when you have so much and others have more. And you want more. And as you get that, you want even more. We are all consumed by greed. Will having a boyfriend really make a huge difference in your life? Assuming even that they are Mr Right, will you truly be satisfied? Or alternatively, you are slowly and eventually conquer anxiety and can live life to your max. What sounds better? I mean sure you can have a bit of both but the more you cure your anxiety the greater your life becomes and you become the master of god damn fate instead of waiting for guys to approach you approach. Fk society standards, make your own fate.


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## Aribeth (Jan 14, 2012)

You haven't even kissed a guy yet...?
Something sounds very wrong here.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

I think most guys just feel like what is the use you're most likely taken. Maybe guys are intimidated as well. I think you'll be fine though. Guys are hitting on you so that is good. Just continue putting yourself out there, guys will come. I have no idea what those guys texting you are doing.....they're crazy.


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## VanitysFiend (Jun 13, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I consider myself pretty attractive and I have a really nice and funny personality once you get to know me. I'm not writing this for attention or to brag, I actually want some advice.The problem is that I'm very shy and awkward around people I don't know very well, ESPECIALLY guys. I have never had any trouble making friends with other women and I have a few guy friends, so I do talk to guys sometimes but I just suck at flirting with them. I know it's probably due to my quiet demeanour and not my appearance because I get a lot of compliments on my looks/body from people I meet. They also assume I have a boyfriend, and they are very surprised when I tell them I don't. Because of my social anxiety no guys ever talk to me even when I catch them full on staring at me for a long time. I've also over heard many guys telling their friends that I'm hot and yet none of them ever actually approach me to talk or ask me out. A few guys have given me their numbers without saying a word to me or even asking what my name is, but when I text them they give me short replies and never actually arrange to meet up or go on a date with me.
> 
> I don't really talk during class or at school in general, I mainly just finish my work and get home as soon as possible. I'm also not working at the moment so I have very little opportunities to meet guys in "normal" settings (work, school,sports, etc). I don't feel comfortable cold approaching or just randomly walking up to guys with no similar interests or without anything to talk about. I do however go to clubs with my older sister quite regularly, which you would think would be the best spot to have guys hit on and approach me. Nope. Every single time I've been out dressed to the nines at the club not once has a guy ever approached me. They stare a lot, but never approach.* I've had more guys hit on me at the mall and grocery store than clubs or bars!*
> 
> ...


Then go to the mall more 

Anyway, after reading this and your profile I think your only prob is that u aren't 10 years older and a resident of antrim...but it's possible the real prob is that I'm not ten years younger and canadian....

Moving on swiftly, I am actually at a bit of a loss for advice, if you are as attractive as you suggest it's possible alot of guys r intimidated by you, most guys might consider you simply out of their league, especially in the long run. From my own exp (admittedly as someone with SA) it's harder to ask out the people you're really attracted to cause finding out that they're not interested would be painful, perhaps that's why you don't get approached more, nobody wants to get shot down by you.

You could always take a page out of calichicks book


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## Shadow5 (Jul 12, 2016)

I personally never understood how traditional flirting works, but I don't think so many people develop serious relationships with strangers in bars, especially if you are the shy type. You might ask your friends or family if they know single guys who would like to meet you. Not to sound judgmental, but a good friend shouldn't ask you what is wrong with you, they should try to help you out instead.

I personally always prefered online dating, but it is true that if you are too pretty, you might attract the wrong kind of attention out there. You could try using picture of you where you look natural, don't try to look sexy. Ignore the trolls. If you stay away from Tinder and POF and put enough information about your interests, you could actually find someone interesting, but it is a bit time consuming and you will receive a lot of spam-like pick up lines. 

It is possible the guys don't get close because you don't send the right non verbal cues. If a cute guy looks at you, try to smile, and glance at him once in a while. That being said, I never suceeded doing that myself. 18 without boyfriend really is normal. I got my first boyfriend at 18 and I know people who got their first bf/gf much later than that. You are waiting for quality, that's all


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

I'm 21 and inexperienced in about every way with women. Never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never kissed, iv'e never even been on a date. And like you, I am much more comfortable interacting with the same sex. I have a hard time talking to girls, it's very intimidating for me. 

But my story is a common one and that's the point. There are a ton of people out there who are lonely and feel worthless because they've never dated before.

Think about it like this, when a guy you find somewhat attractive talks to you and gives you the time of day, it probably makes you feel good assuming it's not creepy. So if a guy who is also super lonely and feels worthless gets talked to by a girl, it makes him feel good. Everybody appreciates validation but when you're lonely and desperate, you are much more likely to be receptive when somebody of the opposite sex talks to you. You can use this to your advantage. Try finding a guy who also seems quiet and lonely, he may not say a lot at first but if you keep talking to him, he will eventually come out of his shell.


I hope that you do find a man, being lonely sucks. Believe me, I would know. Diary after diary, vlog after vlog of talking about how worthless I am because I have no success with women.


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## Svarog11 (Jul 15, 2016)

I don't have any advice other than dress provocative, make a tinder profile and go to clubs/sports if you can.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

You'll find a man and and get into a relationship I guarantee it. I believe in you. It may be 5 years from now, a year from now, maybe even next week. You never know...
Don't lose your virginity to some random fuk boy, your first time should be with someone whom you're friends with or have at least been on a few dates. You can ask one of your guy friends for a friends-with-benefits sort of deal. You will be nervous I mean like really nervous. I will definitely be nervous and shaking the first time I have sex, no doubt about it. I heard drinking 1 bottle of alcohol helps but that's up to you to decide. 

If you need anybody to talk to about your loneliness, don't be afraid to message me. I know what it's like to feel worthless and lonely when it comes to relationships so maybe we can have some stuff to talk about.

Keep your head up.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Try being as outgoing and friendly as you can, thats a good way to start. Also that way, people wont mistake your social anxiety for anything else.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Have you tried a dating site?

If you're attractive + social anxious it can be perceived as snobbish. Try to smile more and appear more inviting.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

You will, eventually. Focus on self, have fun, you don't need to be in a relationship at this time, especially if you feel all guys are just looking for one thing, at least the ones you have dealt with. 

When you meet someone on your wavelength, things will fall into place.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

xxDark Horse said:


> I'm 21 and inexperienced in about every way with women. Never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never kissed, iv'e never even been on a date. And like you, I am much more comfortable interacting with the same sex. I have a hard time talking to girls, it's very intimidating for me.
> 
> But my story is a common one and that's the point. There are a ton of people out there who are lonely and feel worthless because they've never dated before.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the advice and I feel much better knowing there's someone else out there like me going through the same experience  The only problem with finding and talking to a quiet guy is that both of us are so awkward and shy that neither one of us wants to initiate a conversation first! XD


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## SA go0n (Mar 5, 2014)

18 huh? The struggle is real.


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## May19 (Apr 25, 2012)

Hey, not sure if I can offer any good advice because I lack the experience (dating wise). I only dated one guy and it didn't even work out. It was not even a relationship. Anyway. I totally feel you, girl.

I don't really know how to flirt and the correct way to flirt, but from what I've been told, I flirt. Not sure if that make sense. Communication is key. So gotta put yourself out there once in a while  I find that building a guy's confidence up and making him feel good works really well. By that I mean, complimenting him, asking him about his day and what he likes, and giving him some positive feedback. 

For example, if he shares a song with you or whatnot and you like the song, you can tell him stuff such as "oh wow this is amazing. you have such a great taste in music" And texting wise... hmm. I would say to be more playful? But it's definitely gonna be challenging with social anxiety. It so scary to put yourself out there, especially when you don't know the person well. You don't know if they will hurt you or take advantage of you. So be smart and trust your gut feeling, you know. And don't settle for less!

Hmm but I will say that confidence is also key. Being confident with yourself and loving yourself. Sure having a boyfriend can be nice, but I personally don't know what the big deal is. I used to think it matters so much, and now I think it's just over-rated. Like you said, you're an attractive lady. Not saying that you do, but don't put your self-worth in a guy. And goes both ways. For guys, don't put your self-worth in a girl. Whether you have one, twenty, zero, etc girlfriend/boyfriend in your life, you're still amazing and beautiful. 

And if your friends make fun of you for that or tease you about it, then they're just being childish. You should let them know that it bothers you and that it hurts you. Friends aren't perfect. They're humans too, so definitely let them know. If they keep up that behavior then I would suggest maybe finding better friends or consulting in less judgmental people. Whoops, this ended up being more of a pep talk than advice. Mah bad.

But good luck! Oh and just be yourself and have funn  Nothing great in life ever came too easy so just gotta keep trying ^-^ 

Plus, relationships is like a learning process. You win some and you lose some, but I would argue that you win in the end, because you "should" take away from that relationship what worked and what didn't work for you.


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## Aribeth (Jan 14, 2012)

lonerforlife908 said:


> That's not very nice, that just makes me feel even worse about myself  I hate when people say there's something "wrong" with me since I've never been kissed before.


I didn't mean there's something wrong with you, but rather, you made a lot of wrong decisions or something if you didn't manage to kiss a guy yet and you're 18. So if I was your friend and we hanged out, I wouldn't trust your decision making at all haha.


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## Shadow5 (Jul 12, 2016)

Yeah maybe I was not clear enough in my advice. I didn't imply that you tried to look sexy in your pictures. But I noticed that it doesn't take much to attract the wrong kind of attention on dating site. Once I changed my profile picture from plain looking, to one in which I had make up and not smiling... I guess it was a tad sexier : I instantly started receiving more suggestive messages. So if you feel like the messages you get are mostly about hookups, maybe you could try plainer pictures?

I understand why you feel nervous about meeting in person, but when you talk for a while with someone online, you already know them a little, and the discussion can be less akward when you finally meet up. Sometimes, I really thought that the meetings could be, magic somehow (when there is chemistry, that is). When a guy is actually too shy to ask for a meet up, you can suggest it yourself, because I agree with you that endless texting is really a waste of time. But in the end, if they are truly interested, they usually end up asking by themselves. 

Either way, feel free to find someone the way you want. But from what you seem to say, talking to boys in general is intimidating you, so whatever means you use, you'll have to fight your shyness a little, which is really not an easy thing, of course but nontheless essential at some point. Changes won't happen if you don't try something different.


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## VanitysFiend (Jun 13, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I really wasn't "trying to look sexy" at all in my picture but thanks? Haha XD It seems like every time I try online dating or dating apps it leads nowhere. I message back and forth with guys and then we start texting but we never actually arrange for a time to hang out or meet up. I guess a part of me feels too nervous and scared to actually meet up with them just because there's a whole new level of "awkwardness" when meeting someone you only know over text.* I'm scared we won't be compatible as I thought we were online or it will be really uncomfortable since there's so much more to a person when you can actually see them and their actions face to face.*


Honestly, if you're as attractive as you think, and as interesting as your profile suggests it's gonna be more their loss than yours for being incompatible...

Also, if you've only exchanged a few messages, rather than quietly obsessed about them for weeks/months/longer, is it really gonna hurt that much getting shot down or being incompatible? The hardest people to ask out are the ones you like the most, finding out they won't even give you a chance after all that time is excruciating


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## siegen (Jul 26, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I consider myself pretty attractive and I have a really nice and funny personality once you get to know me. I'm not writing this for attention or to brag, I actually want some advice.The problem is that I'm very shy and awkward around people I don't know very well, ESPECIALLY guys. I have never had any trouble making friends with other women and I have a few guy friends, so I do talk to guys sometimes but I just suck at flirting with them. I know it's probably due to my quiet demeanour and not my appearance because I get a lot of compliments on my looks/body from people I meet. They also assume I have a boyfriend, and they are very surprised when I tell them I don't. Because of my social anxiety no guys ever talk to me even when I catch them full on staring at me for a long time. I've also over heard many guys telling their friends that I'm hot and yet none of them ever actually approach me to talk or ask me out. A few guys have given me their numbers without saying a word to me or even asking what my name is, but when I text them they give me short replies and never actually arrange to meet up or go on a date with me.
> 
> I don't really talk during class or at school in general, I mainly just finish my work and get home as soon as possible. I'm also not working at the moment so I have very little opportunities to meet guys in "normal" settings (work, school,sports, etc). I don't feel comfortable cold approaching or just randomly walking up to guys with no similar interests or without anything to talk about. I do however go to clubs with my older sister quite regularly, which you would think would be the best spot to have guys hit on and approach me. Nope. Every single time I've been out dressed to the nines at the club not once has a guy ever approached me. They stare a lot, but never approach. I've had more guys hit on me at the mall and grocery store than clubs or bars!
> 
> ...


No offence, but I don't believe that you are a girl. If you can't get a boyfriend as a girl, chances are you are: a) Hideous or b) psychopathic. Seriously, the world is a sea full of desperate guys. It's very easy to find one. Also, a lot of guys are drawn to introverted and shy girls, so it shouldn't be much of a problem.


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

c) unrealistic standards


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## siegen (Jul 26, 2016)

M0rbid said:


> c) unrealistic standards


Forgot about that one. Agree 100%.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Shadow5 said:


> Yeah maybe I was not clear enough in my advice. I didn't imply that you tried to look sexy in your pictures. But I noticed that it doesn't take much to attract the wrong kind of attention on dating site. Once I changed my profile picture from plain looking, to one in which I had make up and not smiling... I guess it was a tad sexier : I instantly started receiving more suggestive messages. So if you feel like the messages you get are mostly about hookups, maybe you could try plainer pictures?
> 
> I understand why you feel nervous about meeting in person, but when you talk for a while with someone online, you already know them a little, and the discussion can be less akward when you finally meet up. Sometimes, I really thought that the meetings could be, magic somehow (when there is chemistry, that is). When a guy is actually too shy to ask for a meet up, you can suggest it yourself, because I agree with you that endless texting is really a waste of time. But in the end, if they are truly interested, they usually end up asking by themselves.
> 
> Either way, feel free to find someone the way you want. But from what you seem to say, talking to boys in general is intimidating you, so whatever means you use, you'll have to fight your shyness a little, which is really not an easy thing, of course but nontheless essential at some point. Changes won't happen if you don't try something different.


Sorry if I came across as defensive about the picture comment XD And yeah, I know that I have to start getting out there more and talking to guys, as scary as it sounds. I find it hard to even just look at them without breaking eye contact or trying to smile at them :/


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

May19 said:


> Hey, not sure if I can offer any good advice because I lack the experience (dating wise). I only dated one guy and it didn't even work out. It was not even a relationship. Anyway. I totally feel you, girl.
> 
> I don't really know how to flirt and the correct way to flirt, but from what I've been told, I flirt. Not sure if that make sense. Communication is key. So gotta put yourself out there once in a while  I find that building a guy's confidence up and making him feel good works really well. By that I mean, complimenting him, asking him about his day and what he likes, and giving him some positive feedback.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone!!! The funny thing is that I can flirt really well over text and online but I suck at flirting in person because I end up saying something stupid or stumble over my words because of how nervous I get. And I only have a few friends so I feel like if I distance myself from them or stop talking to them then I'll have no one and I'll be even more alone, as mean as they can be at times. Thank you so much for the advice and making me feel better!


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

siegen said:


> No offence, but I don't believe that you are a girl. If you can't get a boyfriend as a girl, chances are you are: a) Hideous or b) psychopathic. Seriously, the world is a sea full of desperate guys. It's very easy to find one. Also, a lot of guys are drawn to introverted and shy girls, so it shouldn't be much of a problem.


Haha okay but I am a girl??? I'm not hideous, at least I don't think I am XD And I'm not certainly not crazy...maybe I'm weird? I have heard a few guys call me weird before because of how shy and awkward i am so maybe that's it :/ I don't really know how to not be weird though since it's just part of who I am.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Sorry if I came across as defensive about the picture comment XD And yeah, I know that I have to start getting out there more and talking to guys, as scary as it sounds. I find it hard to even just look at them without breaking eye contact or trying to smile at them :/


I believe you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and walk by good men you find attractive and flirt to gain their attention (known as exposure thearpy).

That's what SA does, it makes you fear things you shouldn't be afraid of and forcing yourself to overcome those fears with good outcomes (positive) will help to reduce those fears. But it's choosing good men to do that with, not just with any man. You would need to observe men to see how they interact with others to determine how to approach them and if they are good men. Also if you find them attractive.

A good example of flirting is like this pretty woman does at 0:45+ and keeps on walking -






It's up to him to respond to that.


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## Svarog11 (Jul 15, 2016)

May19 said:


> Hey, not sure if I can offer any good advice because I lack the experience (dating wise). I only dated one guy and it didn't even work out. It was not even a relationship. Anyway. I totally feel you, girl.
> 
> I don't really know how to flirt and the correct way to flirt, but from what I've been told, I flirt. Not sure if that make sense. Communication is key. So gotta put yourself out there once in a while  I find that building a guy's confidence up and making him feel good works really well. By that I mean, complimenting him, asking him about his day and what he likes, and giving him some positive feedback.
> 
> ...


how do you keep this seemingly overly positive attitude that you do lol


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Haha okay but I am a girl??? I'm not hideous, at least I don't think I am XD And I'm not certainly not crazy...maybe I'm weird? I have heard a few guys call me weird before because of how shy and awkward i am so maybe that's it :/ I don't really know how to not be weird though since it's just part of who I am.


Don't worry, some people on here are on a different planet when it comes to relationships and basic human emotion, so don't let these other posts confuse you too much.

If I had to take a guess at why you've not had much success I would put it down to your shyness and the fact you likely come across like you're on the defensive or standoffish. It's difficult with SA to "let go" and relax around others but it's often the single biggest thing holding back progress with the opposite sex.

It was only when I was able to relax and enjoy myself in public that I found people become naturally more attracted to me, both in a platonic and romantic fashion and I dare say the same would occur with you.


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## May19 (Apr 25, 2012)

Svarog11 said:


> how do you keep this seemingly overly positive attitude that you do lol


When you go through too much things in your life that you realize there's no point of beating yourself for everything that happens. Just gotta focus on the now and what to do for the future. And to be honest, I'm not quite so sure. There comes a time where you get so tired of being so emotional or worked up over things, that you just stop. At least that's the case with me.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I agree, my standards could definitely be lowered but I'm not even talking about looks wise. There have been a few very attractive guys that have shown interest in me, but purely for sexual purposes only. They never attempted to get to know me personally and just focused on my body and trying to get into my pants.


At your age that is what hot guys do. With dozens or hundred of girls throwing themselves at them, why would you expect more?


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## rensational (Apr 10, 2012)

Hey, this is an issue I've actually thought a lot about and been on both sides of (and I'm twice your age, so I have seen/experienced a lot with this), so I have a ton of thoughts about it. I don't mind messaging/emailing with you about it if you want to get in touch. There are points that have been made here by others that have something to do with your issue, but let me give you a few hits:

1) I have noticed that guys today are, for lack of a better word, wimpier when it comes to approaching women and they want it easy, don't want to be challenged, don't want to be rejected and won't pursue women who are challenging and/or who they think would reject them even if they are more interested in that woman than the women they ultimately pursue/date. Obviously, not "all" men, but the majority--especially younger guys. You are the epitome of "challenging" and "not easy to get," from your description, and probably the type of woman who makes guys assume "well, what's the point of even approaching her? She will say no." It's the combination of how you look and your "before you know me" persona.

2) Along the lines of your "before you know me" persona, I think it's a lot easier for women to get men than it is for men to get women...and the reason I say that is a lot of guys really don't want much more than for the woman to be cute and friendly and open whereas women often want a _lot_ more than that (even if not you, from what you say). The younger the guy is, the more he may want you to be more attractive, and that actually works in your favor in some cases if you're as good-looking as the way you set this up. With you, though, apparently, the "friendly and open" part is missing when you don't really know someone, and that's a huge deal. The arrogant guys will approach for sex, but other guys will be scared if you don't seem like you'd be receptive to even just a friendly conversation. For them to think you're receptive, you can't just exist and expect the man to do all the work--you have to smile, make eye contact, have open body language, sometimes say "hi" first or start a conversation first, etc. This is something I see women fail to understand *repeatedly*. The days of men accepting that they're supposed to approach any woman they like regardless of anything else are 100% over. Guys today are basically scared of women they like without that woman making _some_ sort of first move.

And even the attractiveness part scares some guys off. A lot of guys see the most beautiful women in their environment as as a complete waste of time as far as approaching because, in their mind, "she is definitely going to say no" or "she definitely has a boyfriend already."

3) Most very beautiful women don't get this one, but when very beautiful women go to clubs and bars and such, dressing to the nines and having perfect hair and perfect makeup makes you...even more intimidating to men. You already have the beauty without doing all that, and then on top of it it there's the matter of your not having the most inviting "before you know me" persona on earth. In other words, you're intimidating to men without dressing to the nines, so you going all out when you go out with friends/your sister makes it twice as bad...which makes you twice as likely to not get approached.

4) So, you look around at other girls and wonder why they get boyfriends and you don't. And some of these girls don't look as good as you do, surely. The thing likely is, though, that these girls 1) put more effort into being friendly and receptive to guys they like than you do and 2) they understand on some level that they can't just exist and not give positive signs to guys and expect guys to fall in their laps. One thing I've noticed is a lot of very beautiful women are single a lot or rarely get approached, and another thing I've noticed is the less attractive women they hang with don't have these issues--they have boyfriends and they get approached. This is because of another thing I noticed--the less attractive women put more work into getting guys than more attractive women do. They smile, flirt, start conversations and sometimes even go as far as asking the guy out themselves. 8 times out of 10, hot girls don't do anything but get stared at...because they don't do..._anything_. The guy is staring because you're pretty, yes, but he's also staring, looking for positive signs it's okay to approach you, and you don't give any.

5) The thing about the more attractive people in society--but especially the more attractive _women_--is people are _very_ quick to make negative assumptions about your personality based on your looks. A lot of the women want you to be a horrible person so it's okay to hate you, and a lot of the men's insecurities are triggered when they look at you and it causes them to make excuses--from "she's probably taken" to "she's probably a huge b*otch." People think beautiful women get treated better by everyone else and get things handed to them, and there's some truth to that--but, really, the way beautiful women are treated is more of a mixed bag than people think...it's like people either want to be accepted by you more or they really hate or resent you for "no reason" with not much in-between going on. So, when a beautiful woman is not very friendly and bubbly right off the bat, it gets people's minds going and they start painting a [likely negative] picture of who you are before you ever show them what your personality really is like. This happens to all of us, yes, but it's worse for beautiful women because _everyone_ notices them, so there's more judgment of them. That's partially why the stereotype of beautiful women is they're "stuck-up b*otches."

6) Just want to add plenty of 18-yr olds have never dated or never been in a relationship. It always kills me when I see 18-yr olds or 21-yr olds acting like it's some huge deal that they're inexperienced. Maybe it is for young people today, but, shoot, 10 years ago I had friends who were older than you who had never had boyfriends and never had sex...like, 22 or 23-yrs old. [shrugs] To me, it's nothing to feel bad about, but if you want it to change you can't keep doing what you're doing and think guys are going to approach you.


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## welcome to nonexistence (Jul 2, 2015)

You might not think your standards are too high, but you could reconsider giving into the hookup culture the tinniest little bit, since it comes with the territory at your age. It's like your mind is frozen in this waiting game, but the really sensitive guy who approaches you and makes an impeccable first impression, may not even exist. Then there's a chance you'll have to mess around a bit before you come across someone you click with. You could start by letting your guard down more at parties, and at least be open to someone making a move on you. What's wrong with merely making out with a few guys, and then getting to know the ones you're attracted to a little better afterwards? If that's just not you, then you'll have to attempt to initiate more conversations, in general, and just focus on staying engaged, without worrying too much about flirting, or what you're suppose to say and how you're suppose to act. I imagine this problem could solve itself soon enough, especially if you're in college, but I understand how excruciating your frustration must feel just helplessly waiting for something to change.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@rensational

Well said. 

I can relate to a lot of what you have said.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Swap places with men in general and yourself. You find a girl attractive and have your own anxiety about approaching her, let alone asking her out or something like that. The only response you ever get from her is...none. Would you think she just doesn't like you at all? Or perhaps she's with someone? Or has any number of reasons why she's not being responsive? You'd probably just move on, right?

Your sister is right there. Why don't you ask her for advice on how to put yourself out there? Or fix you up with someone. Also, don't ever post that you think you're attractive online. No matter how you phrase it it's always going to sound egocentric and fake.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

rensational said:


> Hey, this is an issue I've actually thought a lot about and been on both sides of (and I'm twice your age, so I have seen/experienced a lot with this), so I have a ton of thoughts about it. I don't mind messaging/emailing with you about it if you want to get in touch. There are points that have been made here by others that have something to do with your issue, but let me give you a few hits:
> 
> 1) I have noticed that guys today are, for lack of a better word, wimpier when it comes to approaching women and they want it easy, don't want to be challenged, don't want to be rejected and won't pursue women who are challenging and/or who they think would reject them even if they are more interested in that woman than the women they ultimately pursue/date. Obviously, not "all" men, but the majority--especially younger guys. You are the epitome of "challenging" and "not easy to get," from your description, and probably the type of woman who makes guys assume "well, what's the point of even approaching her? She will say no." It's the combination of how you look and your "before you know me" persona.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Honestly, I can't thank you enough for the tremendous response and advice you've shared!  I can relate to every point you've written, especially how guys and girls judge me before they know me and think that I'm a stuck up ***** since I'm fairly good looking but shy. It really sucks sometimes because the few people that do talk to me quickly realize that I'm not rude and we become friends instantly but everyone else that doesn't choose to get to know me seem to hate me  If you don't mind I was wondering if you have any advice for asking guys out? There's this one guy that I've been texting for a while now but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere...would it be weird if I just randomly asked him out?


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

path0gen said:


> Swap places with men in general and yourself. You find a girl attractive and have your own anxiety about approaching her, let alone asking her out or something like that. The only response you ever get from her is...none. Would you think she just doesn't like you at all? Or perhaps she's with someone? Or has any number of reasons why she's not being responsive? You'd probably just move on, right?
> 
> Your sister is right there. Why don't you ask her for advice on how to put yourself out there? Or fix you up with someone. *Also, don't ever post that you think you're attractive online.* No matter how you phrase it it's always going to sound egocentric and fake.


Would you rather I say I'm ugly then??? I really don't see the problem with someone saying their attractive online...I could understand if someone was going around in real life saying that they were attractive but online it doesn't really matter. It was mainly to add context to my question as to why I'm single if there isn't a problem with me looks wise. I've seen plenty of other posts of people calling themselves attractive online and never thought they sounded egocentric, it's not as if I'm saying I'm the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth or anything XD


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I could understand if someone was going around in real life saying that they were attractive but online it doesn't really matter.


If it doesn't matter online, why post it at all? You have one tool to communicate with on the internet. How your express yourself through your words and what words you choose to use are what define you here. So I would think what you choose to share and what not, how well you articulate yourself, you spelling, grammar, etc. are all extremely relevant, especially when trying to solicit honest feedback. Since you chose to share that opinion of yourself, it's clearly important enough to you to include that information so your argument that it's moot information is sort of working against you here.

That said, and as I stated before, people probably think you're either unavailable or too snooty to approach and therefore don't. Since we've ruled out the possibility that you're physically unattractive, by your own admission, that is the most likely reason.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

path0gen said:


> If it doesn't matter online, why post it at all? You have one tool to communicate with on the internet. How your express yourself through your words and what words you choose to use are what define you here. So I would think what you choose to share and what not, how well you articulate yourself, you spelling, grammar, etc. are all extremely relevant, especially when trying to solicit honest feedback. Since you chose to share that opinion of yourself, it's clearly important enough to you to include that information so your argument that it's moot information is sort of working against you here.
> 
> That said, and as I stated before, people probably think you're either unavailable or too snooty to approach and therefore don't. Since we've ruled out the possibility that you're physically unattractive, by your own admission, that is the most likely reason.


Or, as most others have said, it's more than likely because of how unapproachable and shy I am around others. I'm not snooty or conceited, doesn't have anything to do with calling myself attractive. Anyone can say their attractive, it's like saying above average and therefore it's not a very high compliment or title to give oneself.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

> I'm allowed to post what I want and am able to choose how I conduct and describe myself online, don't like it? Don't bother responding to it.


Likewise, if you choose to post your thoughts, questions, etc. I'm afraid it's just too damn bad for you if you don't like the responses. Just don't read them, right?

And I did answer your original question. Explain to me how you think people are supposed to just know that you're socially awkward, anxious, etc.? It often comes across as snootiness or arrogance. You can't insist the truth on other people's perceptions. Just out of curiosity, why do YOU think it's an issue? Since you've ruled out any defects of a physical or social nature, I'm assuming you must think it's magic? "Bad vibes"? Smell? Generally, the most obvious reason is the correct one.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

path0gen said:


> Likewise, if you choose to post your thoughts, questions, etc. I'm afraid it's just too damn bad for you if you don't like the responses. Just don't read them, right?
> 
> *And I did answer your original question. Explain to me how you think people are supposed to just know that you're socially awkward, anxious, etc.? * It often comes across as snootiness or arrogance. You can't insist the truth on other people's perceptions. Just out of curiosity, why do YOU think it's an issue? Since you've ruled out any defects of a physical or social nature, I'm assuming you must think it's magic? "Bad vibes"? Smell? Generally, the most obvious reason is the correct one.


Generally I like to read responses that are actually going to help me solve my issue, not make me feel like **** when I'm already insecure and down about myself. If I wanted someone to tell me I'm too "egocentric or fake" I would've just asked "why do people think I'm egocentric?" You adding that in your response seems childish and petty to me. Just because you may not feel confident enough to say your attractive online doesn't mean others shouldn't. As for why I just _assume_ that people know that I have social anxiety? Hmmm I don't know, maybe because I'm on a social anxiety support forum??? Not to mention I referenced it several times in my original post, but all you seem to remember from that is that I wrote that I was attractive (ONCE). God, it's not like I went on and on about how good looking I am! Heaven forbid someone from thinking that their attractive!

And I've already repeated time and time again what I feel my problem is. Social anxiety and coming off as unapproachable. I was looking for advice and suggestions on how to help or change that. Obviously you've decided against sharing that with me, so thank you so very much for your time! I have now figured out that I'm an egocentric *******! What an eye opening realization, thank you for resolving my issue!


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## tsal19 (Aug 10, 2016)

Dont listen to him there are idiots everywhere. Theres nothing wrong with saying that your attactrive its probaly a good thing people with social anxiety need all the confidence they can get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JaegerLover217 (Feb 23, 2016)

i'm sure you'll have one before age 25, the amount of guys out there in the world who are past their mid-20s who have never had a relationship before is more than the other way around i'm pretty sure


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

OP I can try to help you. 

Yeah you're right, when you're shy and as a result don't say a lot, this can come off to others as disinterest so this may make guys discouraged to try to talk to you. 

Some good tips I can give you is to smile and be friendly. Another good one is to laugh at people's jokes because people love it when you think their jokes are funny. Another one is to not be afraid to start a conversation with a man, trust me on this. 

I think if you do these things and make yourself approachable, you will be getting a boyfriend in no time. Because like many users have said, an attractive girl assuming she's looking and puts herself out there usually won't have to wait too long before she finds somebody. Don't try to argue against it, just accept the fact that you have an advantage in the dating game being a young and attractive female. 

Good luck finding love OP, we all look for the same thing in life.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

tsal19 said:


> Dont listen to him there are idiots everywhere. Theres nothing wrong with saying that your attactrive its probaly a good thing people with social anxiety need all the confidence they can get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THANK YOU!!! Jeez, I've never heard of someone being that offended over someone saying they find themselves attractive! What the hell XD Sorry I'm not saying I look like **** and suffering from low self-esteem/image.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

xxDark Horse said:


> OP I can try to help you.
> 
> Yeah you're right, when you're shy and as a result don't say a lot, this can come off to others as disinterest so this may make guys discouraged to try to talk to you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice!  And recently I've been getting better with interacting with guys. I can now maintain eye contact with a guy for a few minutes! What an achievement XD I talk with them for a little while too, but the conversations are very short and extremely awkward since I'm so awkward.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

alright, say no more, I will help you.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> And I've already repeated time and time again what I feel my problem is. Social anxiety and coming off as unapproachable. I was looking for advice and suggestions on how to help or change that. Obviously you've decided against sharing that with me, so thank you so very much for your time! I have now figured out that I'm an egocentric *******! What an eye opening realization, thank you for resolving my issue!





xxDark Horse said:


> Some good tips I can give you is to smile and be friendly. Another good one is to laugh at people's jokes because people love it when you think their jokes are funny. Another one is to not be afraid to start a conversation with a man, trust me on this.


Good advice mate. 

A lot of pretty women come off as quite serious and unapproachable.

So, smiling and being friendly helps. 

Not sure about fake laughing though, as people do pick up on that.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

ANX1 said:


> Good advice mate.
> 
> A lot of pretty women come off as quite serious and unapproachable.
> 
> ...


I actually have tried smiling a couple of times at guys and they've either stared back blankly, gave a WTF stare or just completely looked away :/ Feels bad man.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

sajs said:


> alright, say no more, I will help you.


Well thank you kind sir!


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I actually have tried smiling a couple of times at guys and they've either stared back blankly, gave a WTF stare or just completely looked away :/ Feels bad man.


Awwww, sorry to hear that it made you feel bad. 

Some smiles woman have given me, I wasn't sure how to interpret them. If not from the heart it doesn't come out right on the face and people do pickup on that.

That has happened when multiple women have approached me at a store and looked at me like I was something to eat which unsettled me a bit. It felt like they were just having fun playing with me for their own amusement. Why I thought that is I have had multiple women make fun of me in that way in my past, making fun of how I walk, etc with a similar smile, behaviour. So I relate that type of smile, behaviour to women just playing with me, when it might not be. I get uncomfortable and the reactions you describe I have done myself.

So, as you can see it's not you that would have caused a reaction like that, it might be what other women have done to those men in their past which made them think of those bad memories and react that way to you.

Basically you can't control other peoples reactions, only your reaction to what they do. So by smiling differently afterwards (if they look back at you), from the heart (thinking of what makes you happy), it might change the reaction you get. 

It probably won't work with everyone, but at least you can say you gave it a good try.


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