# I can't "take a joke." Rejection sensitivity?



## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

I've recently realized that I can separate my SA into two different components. One responds well to increased exposure to social situations, and by using CBT, it helps me experience most social situations as relatively low or moderate threat environments. I can be fairly comfortable sitting around a table of acquaintances or even strangers and talking and enjoying the interaction.

The other component has not responded to anything that I have tried. As soon as anyone tries to engage me in even the mildest kind and amount of teasing (generally playful and affectionate), my anxiety levels immediately go through the roof, I freeze up, my mind goes blank, and I feel extremely awkward and ashamed. I can be in a pleasurable setting, as described above, and it changes in an instant as suddenly I perceive a terrible threat to my self-esteem and social acceptance. This "threat" can be as mild as my wife of 22 years saying that "you look like a mad scientist!" when tending my garden seedlings in the dark basement, or someone with the same name commenting that "you have a great name!" or a person I'm working with at a concession stand saying "you're my best pretzel chef." None of these things are threats, and if anything, they are playful and marks of friendliness. Even though I know this, I cannot intervene and stop my negative emotional reaction. It *feels* like ridicule or bullying (which I experienced in high school). It saps my ability to be playful in return and hinders my ability to form friendships, as I basically require that a potential friend be completely safe: that is, they will never affectionately tease me, even in the slightest. My wife rarely teases me anymore because she knows how poorly I respond to it. From her experience, this is a very abnormal reaction, and she can't imagine how someone could perceive these things as threats.

Is this simply a form of "rejection sensitivity"? If so, have others here found effective therapies for it (drugs, talk, etc.)? :idea


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## VaeVictis (Jan 18, 2012)

It sounds like part of it is that you've been traumatized by the bullying and it's followed you into adulthood. I've been told that I take things too personally as well. The fact that you _know _for the most part that people aren't trying to hurt you on purpose is a good thing. You might want to look for doctors who treat PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)and get an assessment.

And yes, people who have been bullied can suffer from PTSD.


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## 1homebody (Apr 1, 2011)

Thank you for posting about this! I, unfortunately, have no answers regarding effective therapies, treatment, etc -- but I can certainly relate to everything you've written. My hyper sensitivity to being teased, no matter how benign the intentions of the teaser, is a huge reason why I've found it difficult to make friends. I develop an immediate disdain for anyone who is prone to playful teasing, no matter how golden-hearted they may actually be. I admittedly even go so far as to convince myself that playful teasing is only for dim-witted, uncouth Philistines who aren't capable of joking in a more clever manner, so I wouldn't want to befriend them anyway! I'm well aware of how defensive and ridiculous I become whenever I'm teased, but it's such an immediate and automatic reaction, I don't know what to do about it. 

I, too, suffered from bullying all through my childhood and teen years, so I also assume this "rejection sensitivity" (as you refer to it) is borne from those experiences. 

If anyone out there has gotten the better of this problem, I'd love to know!


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## trancewriter (Jul 30, 2011)

I have also experienced this problem and have taught myself to basically laugh at it....even though it is a "put on" fake laugh....it basically is what I have had to do to deal with co-workers (well-intentioned) teasing which made me feel uncomfortable....even if it doesn't feel natural for you to laugh....I know that when I force myself to laugh at the teasing my body feels very tense and frozen even though I am doing this fake laugh....eventually the more you do it the easier it becomes as an automatic reaction to the teasing. Now sometimes I actually am able to sort of laugh at myself....which I never used to do....


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. It's comforting to know that others relate to my experiences. 

trancewriter, 

My customary reaction is to smile or emit a giggle or two. I do this automatically and I experience the discomfort of making my apparent emotions completely opposite to my actual ones. I've done this for decades now, and unfortunately I haven't been able to laugh at myself because I feel so much shame at being "teased." I also sometimes "defend" myself by explaining why the other person is wrong.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow to see if this can be addressed medically. I feel that I can't build positive experiences relating to others if I can't get past this.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

I know what a hurdle this can be, I'm the say way, although I end up getting more angry and depressed than anxious. I've never done much to combat it, but confidence building exercises and self acceptance would most likely help a lot.


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## jackh (Dec 1, 2007)

I can relate to this as well, though not quite at that sensitivity level -- what usually throws me for a loop is a playful (or not so playful) jab at my behavior. Really frustrating reaction to deal with. I tend to get defensive. Sometimes I fake a laugh. Sometimes I playfully agree. It's hard to say anything in return, partly because I have a tendency towards sincerity, and if I say something, it's more critically accurate and less playful. Usually, I blunder through, and laugh at myself later, which is actually pretty easy because of how ridiculous such things usually are.


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## peanutbutter (Nov 25, 2009)

I have issues with teasing too. I actually started another thread about it here:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...deal-with-banter-teasing-mild-insults-166687/
Generally just don't like interacting this way with people. I think it was one of those social "games" I just never learnt to adapt to as a kid. I've recently decided it's a lot like playing verbal tennis, you mildly insult someone, they mildly insult you back and they feel like they've bonded with you because you're interacting....Interacting in a completely inane way, but non-anxiety ridden people seem to love it... Slience is more uncomfortable for most I guess than the teasing.. I try to just go along with it now( it seems to make people more comfortable if you play along, but that can also be taken as a form of encouragement)...or if I can't think of anything to say just gasp and look mock offended...that seems to work too...


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## Snuffy (Oct 5, 2010)

What's helped me is to try to take what people say at face value more often, to let go of my habit of paranoid twisting and distorting of verbal tone and content. Also, I've learned to stop seeing myself as a perpetually awkward teenager. Chances are that you've been strengthened and seasoned over the years to the point that you're no longer the magnet for ridicule that you were in high-school (as I was, too)... Seeing yourself as the person that you are now, the you that others see, rather than your previous self, the tormented teen, can help your mind to register more of the positive, present-day encounters instead of being constantly on guard against cruelty. 

As you've described, when people express their appreciation of your competence at work or feel affection for the endearing quirkiness of gardening in the dark, you think that they're making fun of you. Instead of truly hearing their words, you hear the negating inner voice of your self-image. So basically, you don't believe them. Maybe you could try putting yourself in their shoes: if you really liked someone or something that a person does and you told them so, how would it feel to know that they didn't believe you? You'd probably feel hurt and invalidated, that your opinion doesn't count. This is a good reason to keep your perceptions in the present as much as possible, rather than in the past where they get skewed by pain. 

Not saying it's easy to do, but even a small change can help. Good luck.


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

Snuffy, you make several excellent points. 

You are correct that the life I've built since high school makes me very different from the person who was mocked and bullied back then. Adults are (generally) not as mean as high school kids. I've achieved a lot professionally, and I've raised a small crop of children, and one of my adult kids just had a baby, so I'm now a grandfather. Unfortunately, I don't just carry a negative self image from my past, as I still struggle with social interaction (I'm an undiagnosed Aspie and have two AS children). I often get feedback from others that I miss the meanings of things, I don't pick up on social cues, and I can't follow fast paced group conversations which are extremely overstimulating. Sometimes I'm made aware of this by teasing, which continues to flavor my experience of teasing and my social difficulties.

The problem is not so much rationally thinking that people are "making fun of me" but emotionally reacting as if they are. The teasing _feels_ mean even though I know it's not always meant that way. My conscious mind knows that the teasing may simply be affectionate and friendly, but my emotions tell me a different story, even if I think it's irrational. You say that with affectionate teasing, "Instead of truly hearing their words, you hear the negating inner voice of your self-image." My problem is that in teasing, "their words" might actually sound negative, but I'm supposed to understand them as carrying a positive meaning. This is tough for me, especially because my reaction to teasing is so visceral. I know what your saying, but I'm not sure what I can do to turn this around so that I can start to build more positive experiences. Every time I'm affectionately teased it simply adds another negative emotional experience to the column.


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

peanutbutter,

Teasing each other is a social game, as you observe. My wife does this all the time with other people, and she said that when someone can't take it and gets defensive, it's a turn off, but when someone can take it and dish it out, it earns her respect. It's also done in order to build friendly relationships with other people. And, your observation is correct, she said that she "loves it!" and finds it highly enjoyable. Complete opposite of me! I'd love to try to go along with it, but I freeze and my mind goes blank. I'm so anxious that I can't think of comebacks, even simple ones like confidently saying "You better believe it!" for 30 seconds to many minutes later, if I concentrate. I have no problem flinging puns as long as the subject is not me.


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## Snuffy (Oct 5, 2010)

I can relate to never being quick on the draw in face-to-face, joking around situations. Learning to identify harmless teasing and responding in ways that don't escalate into negativity has taken me a fair bit of practice (-fellow suspected Aspie, here ), but this is what I've noticed: 

There's often an exaggerated, musical lilt in the voice of a teaser - or else a drawling tone - and a smile/grin is (not surprisingly) a good indicator of friendly intent. Otherwise, the eyes are often revealing, if you can manage to study them for a moment before that frozen confusion takes hold (-easier said than done, I know, but important); there's usually a mischievous, squinty twinkle present when one is having a good-natured poke. 

I may not necessarily "get" why the person is teasing me, but I do make a conscious effort not to show hurt or anger or reveal my confusion, which just winds up reflected in the other person... Instead, once I've identified a person in tease-mode, I just grin, nod knowingly for a moment, and maybe throw in a dry, "Yeah, I know" of agreement. Rinse and repeat as required. (Well, don't keep saying "Yeah, I know" over and over, that would be odd. Do keep a light grin, though; fake as it may feel, it helps diffuse tension.) I still tend to blush when being teased, but as long as I don't focus on it too much, it soon fades away. 

Anyway, eventually they get bored/feel satisfied or whatever, the teasing stops, and nobody's worse for wear. Sometimes I actually do "get" what they find funny about me and wind up laughing about it with them which is great, but either way, I don't put a lot of thought into it. I never try to keep up some kind of banter because that's just not going to happen for me. 

Simply being acknowledged for their observational wit seems to be the main thing teasers are after, along with attention. People do seem to expect more frequent interaction from each other than I'm accustomed to offering, and teasing can erupt if it's not forthcoming... I've spent so much time living in my head that this took a long time to realize. (So my tactic of ignoring those nasty kids at school or silently scowling at them likely only made things worse. )


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## Snuffy (Oct 5, 2010)

(deleted double-post)


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

Snuffy,

I never understoof why people teased each other like this. You are correct that people want credit for their wit. My wife says that people who can banter well earn her respect. But, the main reason people tease each other is build a closer relationship. It's actually considered friendly behavior. For people with AS and SA, this function is often not apparent because to us its counterintuitive.


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## GeeDee (Jul 25, 2017)

I completely relate to this. I am having a hard time with this at work lately. I changed careers thinking I would be working with people more like me. While that is true, I haven't escaped the teasing like you have described. I have been in therapy and have recently started anxiety/depression meds so hopefully that will help. I wish I had some good advice to give you. I feel hopeless sometimes but I feel like we can slowly work towards accepting and working around this hurdle. All the best my friend.


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## HopeForHeart (Jul 24, 2017)

I can also relate. As a child I went through a lot of bullying and tend to be very sensitive to criticism and teasing. The funny thing is I can make fun of myself but if it's from other people I take it personally. I seldom ever tease anyone else which could make me a target? In a majority of cases I know it's not supposed to be personal but it causes my social anxiety to skyrocket and then I freeze up which just makes everything worse.


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