# Progress Thread: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Anxiety



## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

*"You Can't Think Your Way Out of Anxiety"*

After a recent relapse I am determined to develop the life I want through this thread. Generally, the review from other people will help me to become the person I want.

Right now I am 32. I feel like I am stuck in a miserable job in Quality Control and I want out. I don't have any female relationships besides a long distance one with a girl I see for a few days every other month so I want more options. I have a few friends and would like to improve the quality of people in my life.

Before I begin anything I must remember to always follow the fundamentals. I've been journaling privately for over 6 years and have created this blueprint for getting myself prepared for life. They are ranked on importance, so 1 is the bottom of the pyramid and 4 is the top

1. *Diet and Exercise: *:boogieThe foundation. These are the first things i must look at when I'm mentally unstable. Am I eating fruits and vegetables? Am I smoking, drinking too much caffiene? Am I going to the gym and getting the blood flowing? Eat healthy and run for a week and tell me you feel worse.

2. *Meditation: :blank* I need to know how to relax. One of the most important skills one must have in life. Can you relax and focus at will? Can you control your thoughts? This is a habit. 20 minutes a day of stillness and quiet is more beneficial than you could ever imagine.

3. *Positive thinking: *:yes I did a 10 day positivity challenge a few times and each time I do it my life improves. I am presented with better opportunities and good things miraculously "just happen". This always yields results as it develops a solution based thinking mentality.

4. *Face you fears*: "There is no thinking your way out of anxiety". You can't develop confidence or self-esteem from reading books, meditating, or taking pills. You get better by developing a resume of accomplishments. This is unavoidable, you have to get out there and get your feet wet.

These are common traps I falll into that I must keep in check:

-*Becoming obsessed with working out and dieting*. My anxiety stems due to body issues so developing the perfect body can become obsessive. This is a means to an end.
-*Becoming obsessed with going and and picking up women* to the point where my health fails and I am falling apart at work. 
-*Lying*. I lie because I'm insecure and want people to like me. I must be honest about my feelings, what I'm doing, and how my life is. Taking on too much at once. 
-*Having too many goals at once* will lead to too many failures. I can't possibly give each the attention it needs so therefore I try to keep it to 2-3 goals a week. 
-*Comparing myself to other people*. "Comparison is the theft of joy" is one of my favorite quotes. You can only go from where you are. Despite all this change I want to see, one of the most important things I can do is accept myself as being ok where I am.

Long Term Goals:

-Be able to manage my anxiety/cure it.
-Get an awesome girlfriend/wife.
-Develop a close group of friends who inspire me and make me laugh.
-Find a profession I love
-I want to travel because nothing makes me happier than seeing different cultures and scenery

This is what is important to me. Wish me luck!!!


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

My Short term goals for this week are as followed

-Follow the fundamentals
-Find a new job
-Approach 2 women a night
-Go out with friends/acquaintances at least 3 days a week


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## versikk (Nov 25, 2013)

You seem to be where I am on my way to reach. It seems you are really motivated 

How introverted/extroverted are you?


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

What a great thread  I look forward to reading your progress. Please keep us posted!


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## Jacob Mills (Jul 19, 2013)

This thread made me feel a lot better, and actually curbed a little bit my present anxiety. Having too many goals is definitely something that messes me up a lot. I look forward to seeing your progress as well.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

Thank you all for the support, I do reference those for the tough times...

Versikk to answer your question it really depends on my life situation. I don't think any of us with SA are natural extroverts (I could be wrong). There was a period about 3 or 4 years ago when I was going out 3-5 times a week I was definitely extroverted. I would say just about anything to anyone. It took a lot of putting myself out there but I made a lot of friends/women and it was one of the best times in my life. As of recently, I think I was known to be more extroverted at work i.e. willing to chat, saying hi... but after my nervous breakdown I've gone completely introverted.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

Goals for the week:

-Focus on the Fundamentals -* I got to the gym about 3-4 times had a hard time running because of all the built up stress from the previous week. I got my morning meditations in and those felt good, dieting could have gone better but I got to juice my celery, carrot, beet, ginger, cucumber, tomato recipe every day so that made me feel better. I did my best to stay positive but slipped a few times. I was mindful to face my fears, but could have done better
*
-Find a new job - _*I researched job interview and job preperation resources and that helped a lot. I worked on developing talking stories and accomplishments for every bullet point on my resume and worked on developing formulated answers for all the toughest job interview questions. I am much more prepared now. I stayed up all night with a friend of mine working on these things.

I began looking into finding a new career and that was definitely stressful as well. I thought about pursuing IT or a software engineering career. If I do that it is going to be a TOUGH road. My roommate is a computer science major and it is one of the toughest majors around and requires a lot a mathematics. Not to mention, I will need to be working full time. I like IT/CS because it seems to be one of the few professions where people have freedom, job security, good money, and are generally happy in their work. The transition from a science major at 32 will be challenging.

I also learned I'm going to have to network to succeed. The statistics for networking are not even fair and I don't think I will ever find new opportunities sitting in front of a screen sending out applications. I NEED to get out to meetup.com events and find people. I am going to have to socialize as well because no one can help you if you don't tell the world what you are looking for. I got chatted up by a salesman in a Chipoltle line last week and I was impressed by his ability to make me like him and get me his contact in <5 minutes. I also watched the Wolf of Wall St. and now I am more motivated to hustle in this area.

*_Approach 2 women a night - _*I didn't really go out much this past week as most of my friends I usually go out with went home for Thanksgiving. I went out on Sat. night with my roomate. On a dare, I went up to a woman and said, "Hey are you from Ireland? Because right now my penis is Dublin!" She laughed and all was well. I walked up to a very young and cute Chilean girl in the same bar and tried to work my way in. She was responsive and we got into a 'Guess my nationality' contest. She then walked over to her boyfriend at the bar after 20 minutes and started making out hard. This made me angry because I specifically asked her 3 times if she had a boyfriend and she said no each time. In fact, I think my opener was "Where's your boyfriend?you are too cute to be here alone." so that really pissed me off. I didn't do any more after that. *Think positive*_

Go out with friends/aquiantances at least 3 days a weeks - _*I only got 2 days in as most of the people I knew weren't around. I could have gone to bars by myself and tried talking to people, but I don't think I need to tell you guys how bad of an idea that is. *think positive*_


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

Goals for the Week (12/3/2014)

-Focus on the fundamentals. I did good last week, as expected. This is an easy one for me personally, it's just about being consistent with it and not slipping.

-Find a new job:


Get back to every recruiter who calls in a timely and professional manner. Sometimes I'm afraid to pick up the phone or can't cus I'm at work. Make sure to respond to them ASAP.
Finish up my job interview Q&A outline so I will be prepared in the event I need to do an interview. Nothing makes you nervous like being unprepared. I must eliminate this risk.
Outline a career path. Right now I'm just trying to stop the bleeding and get a new job by February, but overall I need to get out of my field and into something else. As I stated, possibly IT. But keep researching and talking to people...

NETWORK: Go to at least one meetup.com com event this week. Chat up people around you. You never know who can help you. Focus on what you have to give rather than what you can get from people.
- Approach at least 5 women a night when I go out- I know this sounds daunting to many, but from what I've learned in the past that once you get to this number the fear of approaching and socializing usually goes away. I have found that an attitude of "Process over outcome" is essential to this. Don't worry about how they go...just shoot for that number 5. 

Possibly too many goals here, but I'm just going to judge them overall by cateogory. The talking points are just outlines.

Let's hope for a good week!


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## handsup (Jun 22, 2013)

Negative thinking just makes it much worse and worse. If you think just negative, you will be unable to take action, you can not work on your issues, you'll be in depression, and so on.

Being positive is the most important part.. But the most difficult part at the same time for people like me, however, I'll try it in this month too, everyday I will try to be positive. I know, it is the only way to feel better, and once you feel better; you are ready to take action! Then good things will start happening. You can reach your goals, so being positive should always be the first step for us!

Good luck, man!


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

_*Goal Reviews for the Week *_

*Focus on Fundamentals:*
I ran twice, I'm trying to go more. I ate healthy and juiced my vegetables. I had a lot of difficulty staying positive. Being back at work around my negative coworkers, it's difficult to maintain that good mindset. There's a lot of gossip, negativity, insulting, and sometimes backlash when you don't join in on it. Also, people are treating me differentllyI'm doing my best to surround myself with the better people and focus on being a hard worker.

*Get a new job:*
This is giving me a lot of anxiety when I think about it, having to start from scratch on a new career path. I've been avoiding it in hopes that I can find more networking opportunites. I reached out to a coworker and expressed trying to find some new opportunities. As far as work goes i sent out about 2 applications, reworked my linkedin page, and talked to to coworker. I couldn't find any professional meetup pages.

*At least 5 approaches when I go out:* I accomplished this goal friday night. Had a little help from alcohol but I did it regardless. Alcohol doesn't even help me that much.

*Approach 1:* Friend challenged me to approach 2 girls at the bar. I mustered up the courage after 3 minutes. I asked somthing about Dale Ernhardt. Then tried asked about where they were from what they're doing. They were completely not interested. I excused myself after about 2 minutes.

*Approach 2*: I was at another bar and tried to dance with some girl. She gave me a weird look then looked over to another guy who was starring daggers at me.

*Approach 3*: I chatted with a black girl my friend was talking to.. She was receptive. I bought her a drink, danced with her, and got her phone number. She wants to go bowling sometime, she was a nice person...I honestly was not that attracted so I'm not sure i will follow up.

*Approach 4:* Getting more confident at this point, i grab some girls hand at another bar and ask her her name. She's receptive and we say some things. i am competing for attention with another guy and winning. I eventually leave..i don't know why. i was a a little drunker

*Approach 5:* Walk up to 2 attractive young girls at the bar. I ask who has a better beard, me or my friend? They immediately grab each other and say 'We're together." I politely excuse myself.

That was about it for the night. I went back to my friends place, got a drunken phone call from my long distance and that was about it.

*Summary:* I did okay this week. The job thing is really dragging me down and the FDA coming back is always on my mind, as is the anxiety before my workday and work functions that are coming up. They are starting to make comments about me at meetings, and coworkers are treating me weird. It's uncomfortable. I've had some conversations with my roommate and a friend that have helped me get some things off my chest. I still want to find some good actionable goals for finding work quickly as this issue is not going away.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

Quick Update:

I had a busy week and I wasn't able to update this...

*Accomplishments*:

-I kept my diet clean and exercised 2 nights.
-I had a rough busy week at work. I went to a department meeting today and was pretty nervous leading up to it given all that's happened. People could tell I was nervous when it was my turn to talk but I don't even care. I survived it.
-I went to a work function (biannually) and I sat down at a table and made convo with my coworkers despite the fear, I held it together. I felt really good about being able to to that under the circumstances. I managed to get a table of 8 people into group conversations and initiated the build-up of socializing. I was funny, interested, and flowed well. I actually looked down and noticed I was shaking at one point and I wasn't aware of that. It felt good that I was able push through the fear though.
-I went to lunch at panera 4/5 days (aside from the work function) and applied for jobs. Keep doing things. Process over outcome.

SO my goals for this week are pretty much the same.

1)Find a New Job - I have a phone interview tomorrow for a position I think is a little out of my qualifications. I'm brushing up right now on the company and some of the qualifications but most I'm trying to stay social as my people skills are what's more important than boatloads of knowledge. The most recent meetup.com networking event isn't until January 6th. I feel like I need to work harder if I am to find a new job by Feb...

2) Focus on the fundamentals- I ate pretty good, no junk food...I exercised 2 nights with week..not bad but not great. I was pretty busy after work. I could have rested more too..

My biggest issue seems to be staying positive. It's ****ing hard, and I know SA people generally are the worst at this. I'm trying my damndest. I get tired though and I let this slip. I need to rest more.

3)Approach 5 women when you go out, stay in until they reject you - I did maybe 2-3 last friday and they were more just like throwing out comments and walking away. I am still really scared of what my friends will think if I disappoint them with my terrible performance in front of women. I need to move past this. It also didn't help that I drank way too much. Regardless, this is still a goal.


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## IMSOCLOSETOEDGE (Nov 4, 2013)

Everybody keep that motivation high while knowing that you will face ups and downs but only thing that matters it the present moment. So live each moment the way you want and the best you can. Dont look past,future or you situation just the simple moment thats going on and make it as joyfull as you can for you. Make the changes you want but dont fall down if it doesnt happen the way you want just lift that motivation again up and make that moment the best you can. I wish you success.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Amazing progress! approaching strangers on a night out is a 10/10 on the anxiety scale for me - it's really inspiring to read your progress


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

IMSOCLOSETOTHEEDGE: Thank you. I needed that.

Sarah: Thank you...the work you've put into your thread has inspired me to keep going myself. Watching your life improve, running into obstacles, breaking out of your shell, and staying motivated makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough. Your attitude and improvement is rubbing off on me and I'm grateful for that...

As far as the cold approaching thing goes, it's really not THAT bad for me as I've done so many of them at this point (probably 2,000) since my mid-twenties. When I first started it was panic inducing and felt like I signed up for parachuting. I've probably backed out many many more though. I've discovered after you do a few of them in a row you can pretty much talk to anyone, and in fact you become approachable to other people. It's weird, you emit an auroa of people wanting to hang out with you and increased social skills when you get over your social fears. The way I look at SA is like socializing is a car race and we are the cars. We are very difficult to operate and takes time, a lot of maintenance, and training to drive us. However, if we can learn to operate the complex mechanics and perform the extra maintenance on our engine we can drive faster and farther than other cars who don't operate with the same ease.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

I have a confession:

One thing I did not mention is that I have been taking Wellbutrin for the past 2 1/2 months to help with a depressive episode where I had a lack of motivation when I moved in the fall. I started taking the drug after listening to a podcast where a scientist says she believes depression is genetic and she takes medication to feel normal and has no issues with it. I took this as a sign I had the same problem.

The other night I had a realization that I have had increased "mental fog" while on this drug and increased anxiety as well. I have stopped taking it for the past few days and have noticed my anxiety go WAY down. In fact, I had to give a work performance to a vendor today and I could control myself so much better. I had more confidence in my work and I was actually getting BORED in the middle of it. All because I got of the meds. I feel like kind of an idiot as I made major declarations about my SA (which is absolutely real btw) coming back with a vengence because of my complacency, but I'm coming to realize my emotional swings and mental fog were all caused by the meds. I was back to normal at work today and it was weird...

Now, the issues I had before were moments of depression and mostly a lack of motivation which I thought Wellbutrin would cure. However, being on the drugs was definitely worse than those depressive episodes and lack of motivation...those were some horrible feelings mainly the shortness of breath and mental fog. I feel getting off it and remembering what I experienced while on it will give me motivation as a reference to not be lazy and keep developing myself. I had a nervous breakdown at work, I lost my ability to think clearly, and I was not myself.

More to come on this, but I'm going to switch to 5htp supplements instead as they helped me before. All my goals still apply, however I hope this realization will help me progress further than before.


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## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

Lovechild98 said:


> I have a confession:
> 
> One thing I did not mention is that I have been taking Wellbutrin for the past 2 1/2 months to help with a depressive episode where I had a lack of motivation when I moved in the fall. I started taking the drug after listening to a podcast where a scientist says she believes depression is genetic and she takes medication to feel normal and has no issues with it. I took this as a sign I had the same problem.
> 
> ...


That's great news.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

Ok Update on the update...

So I stopped taking the medication for a few days and that did not go well at all... I had nightmares, became irritable to be around, go really depressed and unmotivated. It was not good. So the new plan now is to lower my dosage. The holidays are coming up so I should be ok for not concentrating, but I'll play with my dosage to figure out what works for me.

_*Goal Reviews

*_I didn't do too good. I worked long hours and couldn't really get the drive going this week.

- I was able to stay healthy and meditate as needed. I exercised three times a week. I didn't face too many fears.
- I didn't approach any girls when I went out. Long story short...I got too drunk with my friends and couldn't function enough to talk to girls.
- I couldn't find any jobs to apply to, nor did I find or pursue any meetup.com groups.
_
Issues:
-Lack of confidence. I'm not feeling very worthy. __I have the same goal week after week and I don't seem to be making any progress. I am getting impatient.
__-I don't really know what i want. I know what i don't want and have a vague idea of small things I enjoy. For the most part I'm not really sure. I believe in work ethic but there is a lack of doing things I like right now.
-Analysis paralysis. Despite the meditation I'm feeling more and more like I have a million things to do and not enough time to do them. The result: I end of doing none of them.
-Lack of actionable goals. I feel like I need more...but going back to the main issue. I don't know what I really want.
_


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

I think I've found the right dosage for my medication and how to apply it. So i have that to fall back on now...but what's important are these goals.

I went to the bar again last Saturday and was approaching like crazy. I don't even remember how many I opened. I impressed some of my friends who later called me "The star of the night." That felt good.- The issue is that I am so low in confidence I couldn't hook anything. I was just saying random things but none of the girls hung around. Also, the more drunk I got the worse my ability to talk to girls got. I will need to moderate my drinking better.

*Goals for this week:

-*Be brave- recognize fears and face them- I know this isn't as actionable a goal as I would like, but I can't think of anything besides "face one fear every day". I tend to go into auto-pilot with this goal, and setting "face 4 fears a day" is not that reasonable. I just need to be more brave in general. Stop backing down from things. I've let a lot of the embarrasment from my audit incident get behind me, and things are slowly getting back to normal at work were i feel more comfortable with this.

-Approach 5 women when you go out- with a focus on "not ****ing up"- This is something I need. I approach with a lot of zany things for my amusement but that's obviously not working. I need to focus on just being normal. ex. "Hi, I'm Lovechild. How are you? (Steady facial expression, relaxed body language). Blah blah blah. Nothing fancy, nothing overly witty, just do my job.

-Find a new support group to join - I don't have very many friends anymore. I've realized my roomate and someone I spend too much time with, is a bit of a sociopath and is very "up and down" in our relationship. He's not dangerous, but I am slowly realizing several ways he attempts to manipulate me. I need to break free by finding new people first and keeping him at arms distance.

-Find a new job- I'm still looking every day but not coming up with anything. With the year almost over not many jobs are being posted and I am networking with a lot of old and current coworkers, but they don't know of anything. Just gotta keep at it. I'm not feeling it now, but I remember last month how awful I felt in my current position. I haven't forgetten.

***In other news a girl is coming to visit me from NC and will be staying with me Wed-Sun...approaching will be difficult. I know some people might find it rude I attempt to hit on other girls knowing she's coming, but I don't do it while she's around. When I'm with her, I'm with her. However, she lives in NC and I live in Boston. I don't know if I can move there, and I doubt she'll move here. If we do live together I will be faithful, but in the meantime for my own well-being, I need to keep my skills sharp and my options open.***


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

So I've decided to stop my progress thread. Here's why:

-I feel by defining myself as socially anxious and investing this much time on this forum to identify with it weekly, I am doing my confidence and my other positive traits a disservice. To keep reminding myself how I am anxious does not help me. I need to bring myself into the real world and the complexities of it and not retreating into this world so much
-I feel like I am seeking the approval of the readers on this forum. Rather than wanting to improve, I want people to be impressed and like me which is the exact opposite of what I need to do to get over my fear of disapproval. Also, I'm getting a lot less feedback than I thought I would get.
-I'm developing analysis paralysis. The more I sit down and plan and map out things the less I do. It's weird because life does not always go as planned and I need to navigate my complex issues less stringently.

Anyways, thank you for reading. I will pop back in from time to time though. I wish you all the best.


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