# When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend...



## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

what do you do, what do you say...if all you want to do is be friends but don't wanna hurt his feelings? :afr 
I care alot about the guy, but apparently in a different way than he cares about me. :um I didn't know he liked me like that until this week. He was engaged not too long ago. He was here yesterday & was sitting too close to me...kinda made me uncomfortable but I couldn't say anything. He's too nice a guy, I couldn't stand to hurt his feelings. But I was uncomfortable, and I really just want to only be friends with him...and I really need my space sometimes. It always kinda bugged me when guys practically try to sit on my lap the entire time they're around me. :afr


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## Vincenzo (Sep 24, 2005)

I have never come on strong like this with female friends I was attracted to, because I recognised that the aftermath would be about as funny as the Rape of Nanking, so I can see how an overt declaration would end the friendship.

So is this a guy who was sober at the time and would normally not be affectionate? Did the situation develop in a way that might seem natural from his point of view, or was he blatantly making a move? More details are needed.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

*re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*

I would make sure my body language, demeanor and overall energy makes it clear i'm not interested. If that doesn't work, just be straightforward and say you're not interested. Only because I know when i'm infatuated with someone, if they look at me longer than three seconds i'm like "oo they love me too!" read everything into what they say and do and get all giddy and carried away.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

Vincenzo said:


> So is this a guy who was sober at the time and would normally not be affectionate? Did the situation develop in a way that might seem natural from his point of view, or was he blatantly making a move? More details are needed.


Yes & yes, he's always sober. And I dont see him much cause we live about 2 hours apart...so mainly we talk online or over the phone occasionally. But it was pretty obvious...he sat VERY close to me, had his arm around me, basically I felt kinda...smothered. Like I couldn't move, really uncomfortable.
I know he had said he loved me before but I thought it was just in a friend-way and so I said "I love ya too". I dunno, maybe he took that the wrong way. Apparently? :afr



zengirl said:


> I would make sure my body language, demeanor and overall energy makes it clear i'm not interested. If that doesn't work, just be straightforward and say you're not interested. Only because I know when i'm infatuated with someone, if they look at me longer than three seconds i'm like "oo they love me too!" read everything into what they say and do and get all giddy and carried away.


I think I showed I wasn't...if he'd look at me I looked away hoping he wouldn't kiss me or anything(he didn't...but at one time he mentioned he wanted to or something, and I just didn't say anything. I just looked at the tv). But some people don't take hints well...I know from experience.


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## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

*re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*

Guys dont understand that you can't get to be friends first and then try to be like....yeah I really like you yo deal. Give him the just friends line it will hurt but he won't try to run game on you or anything.

Guys it's always better to run game from the start rather than hide your intentions by trying to become friends. Usually that backfires unless you actually want to grow your social circle genuinely and are already seeing some great girls. Then having some girl friends is cool cuz your intentions are ONLY to be friends versus I haven't gotten any in awhile and she's so nice and we have fun so I should let her know I LIKE her.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



SunLite said:


> Guys dont understand that you can't get to be friends first and then try to be like....yeah I really like you yo deal. Give him the just friends line it will hurt but he won't try to run game on you or anything.
> 
> Guys it's always better to run game from the start rather than hide your intentions by trying to become friends. Usually that backfires unless you actually want to grow your social circle genuinely and are already seeing some great girls. Then having some girl friends is cool cuz your intentions are ONLY to be friends versus I haven't gotten any in awhile and she's so nice and we have fun so I should let her know I LIKE her.


I agree. There are times when it works but I would just go for the gold from the beginning, so to speak.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



SunLite said:


> Guys dont understand that you can't get to be friends first and then try to be like....yeah I really like you yo deal. Give him the just friends line it will hurt but he won't try to run game on you or anything.


Yeah I guess I'm going to have to just tell him...maybe I could say I'm not really interested in a relationship right now? :stu


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*

Another concern of mine is this guy is often very depressed and I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. :sigh


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> SunLite said:
> 
> 
> > Guys dont understand that you can't get to be friends first and then try to be like....yeah I really like you yo deal. Give him the just friends line it will hurt but he won't try to run game on you or anything.
> ...


weren't you all upset about getting that line from a guy a few weeks ago?

i was freinds with my gf at first, but for like 2-3 weeks


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

*re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*

I think being straight forward and honest is the best thing to do. Don't leave it open if you don't mean it, ie. 'not ready for a relationship right _now_' -- that could mean next month for a guy.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



AdamCanada said:


> weren't you all upset about getting that line from a guy a few weeks ago?
> 
> i was freinds with my gf at first, but for like 2-3 weeks


yeah but I didn't lead him on by telling him I wanted to date him and I didn't kiss him and stuff, geez. It's an entirely different situation. One of those guys was actually dating me, told me he was in love with me and had never felt that way about someone before(yet then he dumps me for an ugly ****)... and the other pretty much told me he wanted to date me....SHOWED me with actions that he wanted to.... Then suddenly, overnight, they change their damn minds. This wasn't a change-of-mind overnight thing for me, it's just me not wanting to seem like an ******* and hurt somebody's feelings.



Johnny_Genome said:


> I think being straight forward and honest is the best thing to do. Don't leave it open if you don't mean it, ie. 'not ready for a relationship right _now_' -- that could mean next month for a guy.


Well I would be being honest... and I could say I dont want one anytime soon...leaving him time to find someone else. Had this problem earlier on in the year...this one guy kept wanting me to date him and I didnt want to so I just told him I didnt want a relationship...he said he'd wait for me, I told him not to do that...eventually he got the hint I guess, and I saw that he has a girlfriend now...that's good.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



SunLite said:


> Guys it's always better to run game from the start rather than hide your intentions by trying to become friends.


This is the biggest roadblock for me.

1. Why does it have to be a ****ing game?

2. What is so wrong with wanting to be friends first so you can get to know the girl? I don't know if I want a relationship upon first contact. The only way to know that is to become friends.

Ask any married couple, and they should tell you that their spouse is their best friend in life.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*

It's about making your intentions known from the start, letting her know you're interested in her romantically. You could still get to know her. You just don't want her to see you as only a friend. Once that happens, she never really sees you as anything more.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> AdamCanada said:
> 
> 
> > weren't you all upset about getting that line from a guy a few weeks ago?
> ...


different situation, same lie though. he probably has those feelings for you that you had for those other guys and will be hurt just as much.

But it isn't your fault. Just tell him the truth, you shouldn't have to worry about being caught in a lie if you do meet somone. and that would hurt him even more im sure.

unless your not wanting a relashonshup, but i got the impression you do(from other posts, i think..).


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## Your Lover Scrub Ducky (Jul 26, 2004)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



PGVan said:


> Ask any married couple, and they should tell you that their spouse is their best friend in life.


Yeah thats how it would be in my ideal relationship. Wether it happens before or during the relationship, being with someone who I consider to be my best friend would be great.

best friend that I have crazy animal sex with.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



AdamCanada said:


> different situation, same lie though. he probably has those feelings for you that you had for those other guys and will be hurt just as much.
> 
> But it isn't your fault. Just tell him the truth, you shouldn't have to worry about being caught in a lie if you do meet somone. and that would hurt him even more im sure.
> 
> unless your not wanting a relashonshup, but i got the impression you do(from other posts, i think..).


it's not a lie with me though. I don't date somebody and then 2 days later decide I don't want to date them anymore.
and my feelings for one of those guys actually wasn't that strong...I didn't see it working out between us anyway...we're too different. he's too outgoing for me. and we really didn't have hardly any of the same interests anyway. we were pretty much opposites. but now that him & his girlfriend are broke up, he's been talking to me again, wanting to see me again. i told him i wasn't interested in him like that anymore and that i couldn't trust him because he'd just dump me when he found another **** anyway.
in a way I want a relationship, in a way I don't... I have somebody in mind but they live a long way from me. i can't think of anyone else I'd be interested in. so I'd rather wait and meet that person than try to date a bunch of losers around here(or just people that I don't feel that strongly about).


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## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



PGVan said:


> SunLite said:
> 
> 
> > Guys it's always better to run game from the start rather than hide your intentions by trying to become friends.
> ...


It is cool not to know that's why you screen girls to see if they fit your bill cuz just being hot is not gonna work . You CANNOT try the friends route and then go on the lover route. Those are two totally different paths.

Be genuine and let you're interests be known up front. Not by saying I like you or I love you but by flirting and calling her sexy and **** like that. That way there is no confusion.

It doesn't have to be a game and it isn't. It should be a LIFESTYLE. You should be stacking dates on the weekends and you should be constantly be going out and having a biatchn time.

It isn't a numbers game it's a improve your lifestyle so you live life like you want to.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> what do you do, what do you say...if all you want to do is be friends but don't wanna hurt his feelings? :afr
> I care alot about the guy, but apparently in a different way than he cares about me. :um I didn't know he liked me like that until this week. He was engaged not too long ago. He was here yesterday & was sitting too close to me...kinda made me uncomfortable but I couldn't say anything. He's too nice a guy, I couldn't stand to hurt his feelings. But I was uncomfortable, and I really just want to only be friends with him...and I really need my space sometimes. It always kinda bugged me when guys practically try to sit on my lap the entire time they're around me. :afr


I had an ex-engaged person try to go out with me. I basically said I was too busy with school and work. Perhaps this won't work for you because he knows you too well? The only tricky part I see is his depression. Otherwise I'd say tell him straight up. Depends on just how depressed he gets. If he thinks of doing crazy things while depressed not sure. Sucky scenario for you though. At the sametime he didn't outwardly say that he wants to date you right? If that's the case I'd ignore his actions maybe scoot away if he tries sitting closer than he used to not in a grossed out way but more in a natural reaction way (like how a typical american likes a comfort zone in between them and the person they're conversing with). And if he asked you to date in an intimate way just say that you actually are talking to another guy right now :yes


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

Honesty is the best policy, when someone's heart is on the line. You don't want to prolong the agony, with subtle hints and clues, that may confuse him. Let him know, he's a good friend and you're flattered, but you don't want to be more than friends with him.

He knows you well, he'll probably see through your phony excuses anyway. It's patronizing. Think of the times when other people tried to "preserve your feelings", making some crappy excuse why you can't join their group, or something. It doesn't make you feel any better. It's more respectful to be open and honest, especially with your friends. He might take the news easier than you think.

When you play with word games and little white lies, you risk hurting people and losing their respect. If you tell him you're "not ready for a relationship", what's he going to think, when he sees you dating other men? He's going to learn the truth, someday. Better now, than later.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Strange Religion said:


> It's about making your intentions known from the start, *letting her know you're interested in her romantically.* You could still get to know her. You just don't want her to see you as only a friend. Once that happens, she never really sees you as anything more.


Like I said, I don't know that until I become friends first.



SunLite said:


> Be genuine and let you're interests be known up front. Not by saying I like you or I love you but by flirting and calling her sexy and @#%$ like that. That way there is no confusion.


Again, I don't know what my interests are until I would know the girl as a friend. As for flirting and saying "sexy @#%$", it's just not my personality to be that way.



SunLite said:


> It doesn't have to be a game and it isn't. It should be a LIFESTYLE. You should be stacking dates on the weekends and you should be constantly be going out and having a biatchn time.


I don't want that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to date different girls all the time. That leads to promiscuity, and it is not my idea of fun.

I want to find a serious relationship. Somebody to settle down with and hopefully eventually commit the rest of our lives to each other.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a friend*



scairy said:


> I had an ex-engaged person try to go out with me. I basically said I was too busy with school and work. Perhaps this won't work for you because he knows you too well? The only tricky part I see is his depression. Otherwise I'd say tell him straight up. Depends on just how depressed he gets. If he thinks of doing crazy things while depressed not sure. Sucky scenario for you though. At the sametime he didn't outwardly say that he wants to date you right? If that's the case I'd ignore his actions maybe scoot away if he tries sitting closer than he used to not in a grossed out way but more in a natural reaction way (like how a typical american likes a comfort zone in between them and the person they're conversing with). And if he asked you to date in an intimate way just say that you actually are talking to another guy right now :yes


Yeah, he's been put in mental hospitals before for his depression...I don't think he came right out and say he wanted to date me but by the way he acts and what he says I think he does...
I could tell him that I'm talking to someone else  But I'm afraid whatever I end up saying will hurt his feelings... :afr 
I really wish he only liked me as a friend, like he used to...or like I always thought he did anyway. Would make things so much easier. Or I wish he'd find somebody else to like. Soon.



whiteclouds said:


> Honesty is the best policy, when someone's heart is on the line. You don't want to prolong the agony, with subtle hints and clues, that may confuse him. Let him know, he's a good friend and you're flattered, but you don't want to be more than friends with him.
> 
> He knows you well, he'll probably see through your phony excuses anyway. It's patronizing. Think of the times when other people tried to "preserve your feelings", making some crappy excuse why you can't join their group, or something. It doesn't make you feel any better. It's more respectful to be open and honest, especially with your friends. He might take the news easier than you think.
> 
> When you play with word games and little white lies, you risk hurting people and losing their respect. If you tell him you're "not ready for a relationship", what's he going to think, when he sees you dating other men? He's going to learn the truth, someday. Better now, than later.


How can he see through excuses if he can't even get the hints that I'm not interested that way?
And I doubt I'll be in a relationship anytime soon.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> AdamCanada said:
> 
> 
> > different situation, same lie though. he probably has those feelings for you that you had for those other guys and will be hurt just as much.
> ...


yea, thats fine, i was just saying you shouldn't say your not looking for a relashonship if you really are and more like im not looking for a relashonship with you to be exact.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



AdamCanada said:


> yea, thats fine, i was just saying you shouldn't say your not looking for a relashonship if you really are and more like im not looking for a relashonship with you to be exact.


Well I'm not looking for one, I've kinda already found somebody I really like...just dont really know the best way to tell my friend this. I know everybody's saying come right out and tell him but if he done anything crazy I'd feel horrible and I'd also feel like it was my fault.


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## Keith Myath (Oct 21, 2006)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> Well I'm not looking for one, I've kinda already found somebody I really like...just dont really know the best way to tell my friend this. I know everybody's saying come right out and tell him but if he done anything crazy I'd feel horrible and I'd also feel like it was my fault.


The thing is, if someone is going to hurt themselves or do something crazy, there's a good chance they were going to do it anyway. You were just the excuse this time. Plus, it's like this, if you tell him now, he'll probably be pretty hurt, might end the friendship and he might do something crazy. If you don't tell him and he thinks he has a chance with you and then he finds out about you and this other guy, the odds go way up that all of the above WILL happen instead of "might".


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> AdamCanada said:
> 
> 
> > yea, thats fine, i was just saying you shouldn't say your not looking for a relashonship if you really are and more like im not looking for a relashonship with you to be exact.
> ...


when you say your not looking for a relashonship that means you want to be single, not when your already dating somone else.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When your best guy friend wants to be more than a fr*



Keith Myath said:


> The thing is, if someone is going to hurt themselves or do something crazy, there's a good chance they were going to do it anyway. You were just the excuse this time. Plus, it's like this, if you tell him now, he'll probably be pretty hurt, might end the friendship and he might do something crazy. If you don't tell him and he thinks he has a chance with you and then he finds out about you and this other guy, the odds go way up that all of the above WILL happen instead of "might".


Yeah I guess so...



AdamCanada said:


> when you say your not looking for a relashonship that means you want to be single, not when your already dating somone else.


well it can mean either thing...cause either way, you aren't looking for a relationship. if you wanna be single of course you arent looking for one and if you already have somebody in mind, then you don't need to look for someone else.


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