# I've been triggered and I need some advice



## jojy1

Ok, a little background. I go to training (Jiu Jitsu) on Thursday morning. I'm doing this to overcome anxiety (Iknow, I went to the extreme end). I'm really anxious just posting this because I always hide when I feel shame and vulnerability, here goes.
So, there were only 5 of us in the dojo that morning, and usually you pair up and sometimes you triple up when there's an odd number. Our coach says "ok, find a partner and have a roll" as he always does once he's shown us a new move, I walk over to where I usually go, and the other two (seemed obvious that we had to triple) kind of sheepishly walked off and started rolling with each other when they could see that I was waiting for them. My coach kind of gave a shocked laugh and he said just go with me. At this point I was in full fight/flight/freeze coz my brain had literally just been threatened with social rejection, so I blanked entirely on what the movement should have been, this made me feel even worse. It turned out ok because the other pair were really enthusiastic and told me to come to them and I got the moves down. But, I've been thinking about that for the last two days and I'm fearing gong back on Tuesday for more social rejection. I dunno, to me it was my biggest fear, they could definitely see that we had to triple. It hurt a lot and made me feel awful. Thoughts?? (But please, not the generic, "they probably didn't even notice" coz they did!!) 🙂.


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## Socialmisfits

Ok perhaps they thought “I refuse to spar with him he is out of my league ”
Honestly why dwell on the initial rejection? They asked you to join them a bit later, they were enthusiastic and you were killing the moves!
I am honestly sure they would not have rejected you if you would have been a bit pro active and ask them or one of them to partner up. I think it is best to just give your attention to the person next to you and immediately ask him to train with you. After all you are doing a fighting sport which requires a level of confidence.

I find it impressive that you picked a sport than requires skills and confidence to partake in. Just try to take the initiative next time, don’t give yourself time to doubt because then the mind wins and our mind is constantly messing with ourselves.

Don’t let it get you down from what I read here and inbetween the lines you are making progress and your efforts don’t go unnoticed for sure.


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## jojy1

Lol, I’m a her!! To extend on that, I am always the one that asks to pair up, but that’s definitely a thought??!! It was the other pair that enthusiastically called me over, the 2 that shunned me were very sheepish, maybe they felt bad??!!


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## extremly

First off, they didn't do anything wrong. They have the right of sparing with whoever they want, as you do, as well. You are also not in their brain, like the poster above said, maybe they didn't want to spar with you because they were more advanced, or they had some other logical reason to not spar with you. Moreover, the fact they didn't want to spar with you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

I think what is making you feel anxious is not knowing the rules of "the social game" and getting anxiety when things don't work the way you envisioned them in your mind.

I get the sense you thought:

"if I go up to a person and I ask them to spar with me they HAVE to say yes OR there is something horribly wrong with me!"

That's not how it works when an association with is voluntary. They might be perfectly reasonable people that simply didn't want to spar with you. Or maybe they were mentally ill. You'll never know. Make a mental note of the two individuals and judge them based on their actions towards you. They are within their right of not wanting to spar with you. But you are within your right to act towards them however you see fit based on your judgement of their actions. I would also think, the fact you are in a combat sport means next time you spar with them you would be extra motivated to win


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## Socialmisfits

jojy1 said:


> Lol, I’m a her!! To extend on that, I am always the one that asks to pair up, but that’s definitely a thought??!! It was the other pair that enthusiastically called me over, the 2 that shunned me were very sheepish, maybe they felt bad??!!


Oops my bad

so there were 4 people and yourself. 2 people “rejected” you, the other 2 called you to join them. Your mind told you to only focus on the 2 people that rejected you. That is the main thing you need to remember for future similar interactions. You have to realize and I know you do that you cannot please everyone all the time. It is such a shame you focussed on the possible negative moment of your training session. Have you got good contact with the 2 people who rejected you? Who knows perhaps they have some issues themself.

I hope you will post about your next training session to see how it went!


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## jojy1

Socialmisfits said:


> Oops my bad
> 
> so there were 4 people and yourself. 2 people “rejected” you, the other 2 called you to join them. Your mind told you to only focus on the 2 people that rejected you. That is the main thing you need to remember for future similar interactions. You have to realize and I know you do that you cannot please everyone all the time. It is such a shame you focussed on the possible negative moment of your training session. Have you got good contact with the 2 people who rejected you? Who knows perhaps they have some issues themself.
> 
> I hope you will post about your next training session to see how it went!


Lol, it’s ok I was laughing more at the fact that I’m just a mere white belt, all in all I’m pretty crap like my whitebeltness should be 🤪. 
I think you’ve got a good point there actually 🧐. I did really focus on the negative And ok, I will post about my next session on Tuesday. With the 2 that rejected I do usually speak to them and there’s been no issues or signs of hate previously. Thank you for bringing this to my attention 💜


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## Socialmisfits

What belt do other pupils have? It is so cool you do a fighting sport or self defense sport. I have no knowledge of jiu jitsu really lol. But I think it must do wonders for the mind or perhaps I have seen too much martial arts movies  
Are you having an exam for another belt soon , or is that not one of your goals?


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## jojy1

Socialmisfits said:


> What belt do other pupils have? It is so cool you do a fighting sport or self defense sport. I have no knowledge of jiu jitsu really lol. But I think it must do wonders for the mind or perhaps I have seen too much martial arts movies
> Are you having an exam for another belt soon , or is that not one of your goals?


The other’s belts vary, it’s always a mix. It’s a bit of an unspoken rule that we don’t ask when the next grading is, so no idea. My next will be white belt black tip. It is really good, it sux that I get so nervous that I mind blank at times but it is getting better for sure


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## Starcut83

Whenever I'm in a situation like this I go back the next time and usually find reassurance and relief in that something happens to counter my cognitive distortion.

For instance, there's this woman at this place I go to that wouldn't look at me when I looked at her in passing and I assumed she didn't like me for whatever reason. The next day we were sitting at a table and there was plenty of space and she sat next to me and then smiled and started telling me about this park she goes to at lunch to take a walk.

This kind of stuff happens all the time and it's usually all in our heads. It's like we are looking for reasons to affirm our fear of rejection or whatever it may be. Confirmation bias.


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## jojy1

Just an update: I went back to training this morning and it was really good, I rolled with good people and I lost a little more anxiety. One of the people that shunned me last week was the odd number out today and she came and spoke to me afterwards which was nice 👍 😊


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## dr123

I know this is old, but part of CBT said not to be a mind reader. There are a million possible reasons (negative, positive, or neutral) they originally started practicing without you and only one of them is possibly true. I also go down the negative rabbit hole of possible reasons something happens. I focus on the negative ones and I think about them for hours. The problem is, it just makes it worse and its likely the reason they did it is totally innocent and neutral. If it wasn't - it doesn't mean the next social situation will be affected at all by what happened during this one. 

I think for a lot of people without SA, they'd probably think about it for a second then go on about their business not letting the situation affect them or their day. It probably wasn't negative, but if it was - whatever. I know for me, and I believe a lot of us, we let situations affect us and we think about them endlessly and they only make our next situation worse. Just my opinion.


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