# How to Not Fall in Love?



## BabyBlueGamer (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm sorry that I'm so stuck on this subject, but this whole love thing is killing me, I have this annoying desire to be with someone, even though I never will, and I just want it to go away so my life I can be happier. Is there things that you have done to prevent love?


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

I love love too much to prevent it, no matter how much it hurts.


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## Bawsome (Jan 8, 2013)

I think you have it backwards there, your life will not get better once you stop feeling this love thing, you will stop feeling this love thing once your life gets better so stop making excuses for yourself! i mean i still get lonely but its not a bit deal because im quite content with my situation, im happy. society seems to accosiate happiness with being in a relationship so much that it does seem like it would be impossible to be happy with out it, which is total bee s***, and also there is the thing where we dont actually *want* to be the source of or own happiness because we want some one els to "save" us, being saved is nice and all but yonno your gonna have to face your problems yourself sooner or later.


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## Pompeii (Aug 25, 2013)

Surround yourself with ****ty people. Works appallingly well for me.


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

Force yourself feel coldness towards people. Remember that most people are scumbags and filth pure and simple. Read up all the **** on the news to see how bad humanity is


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## TheMachine (Nov 24, 2009)

Just follow a favorite sports team. That way, when you see a girl that you fall for, you can think about how great your team is and it can help relieve some of the loneliness.


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I just pretend everyone is a scumbag.


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

Same problem. I'm a love-fiend and I become attached to people so quickly. In the back of my mind I'm always looking for my "one true love."


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## BabyBlueGamer (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks guys and thinking of everyone else as crap is not so bad of an idea, I kinda already do that anyway XD and I know that society thinks I need a relationship to be happy and I know that I don't need that, but just success and things I enjoy.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Bawsome said:


> I think you have it backwards there, your life will not get better once you stop feeling this love thing, *you will stop feeling this love thing once your life gets better so stop making excuses for yourself!* i mean i still get lonely but its not a bit deal because im quite content with my situation, im happy. society seems to accosiate happiness with being in a relationship so much that it does seem like it would be impossible to be happy with out it, which is total bee s***, and also there is the thing where we dont actually *want* to be the source of or own happiness because we want some one els to "save" us, being saved is nice and all but yonno your gonna have to face your problems yourself sooner or later.


This is pretty good advice. I agree. I struggle with this feeling as well, not as much as I used to but I still get lonely sometimes. I find that focusing on my goals and working toward them daily helps. Because when you have something positive to focus on you don't think as much about being in a relationship. Also, when you are making progress on self-improvement and your other goals you feel better about yourself and are less likely to dwell on wanting a relationship. Prayer gives me comfort as well.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

I think the better question should be, how do I _fall_ in love?

People go about in in all the wrong ways which sets them up for disaster. There are many other needs that you need to fulfill before you can allow yourself to be loved (especially if you're on this site, there's a good chance you have some form or another of anxiety or depression and any normal functioning person who has ever been in a relationship with someone with emotional issues can attest to the fact that it's NOT easy).

My logic is, finding love is perhaps one of the last cornerstones in your life that you need to fulfill. Meaning it comes last. Meaning all these steps, getting fit mentally and physically, finding your 'true calling in life', maintaining stable friendships and finding something you're passionate about will make you a better individual in the long run and often times, by way of any of the 1 through 8 steps below, people DO find love along the way. It will also prevent some type of emotional breakdown if your relationship *doesn't* last, because there's a chance it won't, and you have so many other areas in your life which give you meaning and purpose.

Step 1: Eat right
Step 2: Get fit 
Step 3: Find a job you can tolerate
Step 4: Stimulate your brain 
Step 5: Find a hobby 
Step 6: Give back
Step 7: Improve yourself
Step 8: Cultivate friendships 
Step 9: Find love

It really shouldn't be the first priority IMO or thought of as a fix all solution if the rest of your life is in shambles.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

calichick said:


> I think the better question should be, how do I _fall_ in love?
> 
> People go about in in all the wrong ways which sets them up for disaster. There are many other needs that you need to fulfill before you can allow yourself to be loved (especially if you're on this site, there's a good chance you have some form or another of anxiety or depression and any normal functioning person who has ever been in a relationship with someone with emotional issues can attest to the fact that it's NOT easy).
> 
> ...


this right here is veeerrry good advice. Taking notes myself.


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## BabyBlueGamer (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks calichick your advice really helped alot :squeeze


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

I play goalie on a soccer team......I live for the adrenaline rushes that I receive every time I am on a one on one with an opposing player.....the adrenaline rushes alone are what distract me from this feeling......honestly during the soccer season I have ZERO worries about anything.....its like a natural drug that my body gets its awesome lol


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

You will find someone.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

calichick said:


> I think the better question should be, how do I _fall_ in love?
> 
> People go about in in all the wrong ways which sets them up for disaster. There are many other needs that you need to fulfill before you can allow yourself to be loved (especially if you're on this site, there's a good chance you have some form or another of anxiety or depression and any normal functioning person who has ever been in a relationship with someone with emotional issues can attest to the fact that it's NOT easy).
> 
> ...


You shouldn't find love. Love finds you.


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## moonstruckdelight (Apr 26, 2014)

I think u should concentrate on yourself, love will happen when its meant to happen


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

calichick said:


> I think the better question should be, how do I _fall_ in love?
> 
> People go about in in all the wrong ways which sets them up for disaster. There are many other needs that you need to fulfill before you can allow yourself to be loved (especially if you're on this site, there's a good chance you have some form or another of anxiety or depression and any normal functioning person who has ever been in a relationship with someone with emotional issues can attest to the fact that it's NOT easy).
> 
> ...


Update:

Step 1: Eat right ✔
Step 2: Get fit ✔
Step 3: Find a job you can tolerate ✔ (Have a job, but would like a career)
Step 4: Stimulate your brain ✔
Step 5: Find a hobby - not yet
Step 6: Give back ✔
Step 7: Improve yourself - working on it
Step 8: Cultivate friendships ✔
Step 9: Find love - learning to love myself

I would also like to add a step in here that I've picked up on over the past year, and that is above all, to have fun and make the most of everything you do in life.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

calichick said:


> I think the better question should be, how do I _fall_ in love?
> 
> People go about in in all the wrong ways which sets them up for disaster. There are many other needs that you need to fulfill before you can allow yourself to be loved (especially if you're on this site, there's a good chance you have some form or another of anxiety or depression and any normal functioning person who has ever been in a relationship with someone with emotional issues can attest to the fact that it's NOT easy).
> 
> ...


This kinda plays on the maslow's hierarchy of needs.










The difference between your steps and Maslow's pyramid is that finding "your true calling" is the last step. Love and belonging comes before that. Honestly, finding and actually fulfilling your true calling is a long and complicated procedure. A step that could take years and decades. Avoiding love since then seems like it could lead to a lot of missed opportunities.


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Love=Slavery


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

I never bought into Maslowe's pyramid. It just seems to be completely fabricated with zero justification. Obviously you need the basic stuff for survival and safety, but since the ultimate goal in life should be maximising happiness, I don't see why any of the rest of it is inherently necessary.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

splendidbob said:


> I never bought into Maslowe's pyramid. It just seems to be completely fabricated with zero justification. Obviously you need the basic stuff for survival and safety, but since the ultimate goal in life should be maximising happiness, I don't see why any of the rest of it is inherently necessary.


I believe in it, if you look the bottom stuff is all about survival and safety, then love and all the stuff at the top is about maximizing happiness which is going to vary a lot depending on what makes someone feel happy, but most of us feel the happiest when we are seeing long term growth and feeling valued by everyone around us. Someone digging in a dumpster for pizza crusts is probably not going to want to stand around and discuss the finer points of art or morality are they?


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

BabyBlueGamer said:


> I'm sorry that I'm so stuck on this subject, but this whole love thing is killing me, I have this annoying desire to be with someone, even though I never will, and I just want it to go away so my life I can be happier. Is there things that you have done to prevent love?


Do what I did, get married, have your hopes and dreams crushed, get divorced and have your life ruined. :grin2:

You could also read through the marriage help forums and be horrified :grin2:

Anyway, it didn't cure me permanently. I'll marry again.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

gunner21 said:


> This kinda plays on the maslow's hierarchy of needs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Um my last step is not finding my true calling.

Finding my "true" calling if that's even achievable in the first place happens every time I try something new or put myself out there.

Love is the last step. It's not like these steps are sequential order.

I just put it together as a natural progression based on the activities that I seek to immerse myself in.

I'm not going to say that I'm not actively looking for a man, but I tend to have my blinders on a lot of the time meaning there are plenty of guys I could pick up in a heartbeat but knowing that you're personally ready to commit to a relationship with another person takes a lot of confidence in yourself.

Which comes by way of those other things.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

knightofdespair said:


> I believe in it, if you look the bottom stuff is all about survival and safety, then love and all the stuff at the top is about maximizing happiness which is going to vary a lot depending on what makes someone feel happy, but most of us feel the happiest when we are seeing long term growth and feeling valued by everyone around us. Someone digging in a dumpster for pizza crusts is probably not going to want to stand around and discuss the finer points of art or morality are they?


It's the whole need thing. It isn't specified what the need is for, other than some wishy washy notion about being a "healthy person". I would prefer it if it were nailed down in more concrete terms such as a "happy" person. Obviously some people don't _need_ a whole bunch of the stuff in the hierarchy.

For a start "self actualisation" as the top level is particularly weak. There is no reason why a healthier (or to use a less vomit inducing word: happier) individual would need to "maximise their potential" when they could be sitting on a beach, chilling out and enjoying life, and doing things that make them happy. For _some_ people, sure, maximising their potential might be some kind of need, and might increase their happiness, but for others perhaps not.

Esteem / love etc is nice, again for most, but not essential. Belonging again is clearly variable according to the individual. Quite often chasing after these things (in situations where they cannot be obtained) is a direct source of misery for many and so should be avoided (see frustration section here).

The lower levels are stronger, obviously there are basic needs that everyone requires (safety and so forth) - I seem to remember that sex used to be one of these, but no longer seems to be (since asexuality became more widely known).

There is also the strange notion that the needs on one level must be met before those above can be met. An easy (and obvious) exception would be a soldier who loves his job, thrives in uncertain and dangerous conditions, and so thus isn't even meeting the lower level needs, while meeting the highest level (being awesome at killing folk).

So I guess:

1. This hierarchy doesn't factor in individual variation
2. It seems to depend on western traditional ideals for happiness (higher levels)
3. You can quite clearly achieve higher level stuff without having lower level stuff in place
4. There doesn't appear to be much (if any) evidence to back it up (it is just an intuitive sounding theory) that is accepted with little critique.

I think for the most part, if you have a dodgy theory, but present it in the form of a hierarchical pyramid, it is much easier to convince people not to question it. For me, pyramid's of any sort induce instant suspicion


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

Take a bath in a volcano.

That's how you not fall in love.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

I think it's more detrimental to your emotional health to actively pursue a girlfriend and fail repeatedly than it is to wait and by chance and the ideal girl comes along. 

However even if you were to meet this ideal girl at the right place, she could be in a relationship, or she doesn't even like you back. Or since you never conquered your fear of women, you let her walk away or even worse, with another guy. 

So waiting for the right girl to come along may seem like a good idea, but it really isn't if you never conquered your fear of interacting with women and initiating getting their number, going on dates etc. That's why it's best to conquer these fears, get practice with women, try taking chances and asking for numbers, and learn how to face and even cope with rejection. That way when the right girl for you does come along, you won't completely fuk up your chances because you had no idea how to interact with women. I'm telling you this from personal experience. And even if it doesn't work out, you know that you have the power to talk to women and be succesful. 

Treat it as some sort of game, that really helps. How many girls can I talk to today without shtting my pants? Or if you get rejected just say, you're only one rejection away from getting a gf.


Also, don't be afraid to take baby-steps. The first step to being able to talk to attractive women on the street is to simply walk up to them and say "excuse me! my phone is dead, can you tell me what time it is?" Do this until you feel confident enough to be able to try to talk to her. Do this with a friend if you feel scared and take turns.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

calichick said:


> Um my last step is not finding my true calling.
> 
> Finding my "true" calling if that's even achievable in the first place happens every time I try something new or put myself out there.
> 
> ...


These are just basic charts, but the principle I still think applies and I think you are wrong about love. True, deep love will support you and encourage you in ways you have probably never felt before, it will push you to grow in every way possible and become the best version of yourself, whatever that may be. If you had all your other basic needs fulfilled there is a point where you would dig deeper for what really matters to you, for what in the world drives you crazy or makes you feel sad and makes you want to go out there and do something about. For some people it is spending all your free time in nature, for some people it is starting up a restaurant or museum or event like burning man.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

knightofdespair said:


> These are just basic charts, but the principle I still think applies and I think you are wrong about love.


lol @ everyone trying to offer a rebuttal about my own definition of the personal pursuit of love/happiness.

Sorry sweetie pies but go find your own love and hope that it fulfills your every need and let me know how that works out.

I'll continue to improve myself and if there's a guy that factors in along the way, maybe I'll share a piece of the pie with him.

I wasn't aware I had so many people who were concerned with my romantic love affairs. Maybe next you'll provide me advice on where to invest my money.

lol.

bye


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

calichick said:


> lol @ everyone trying to offer a rebuttal about my own definition of the personal pursuit of love/happiness.
> 
> Sorry sweetie pies but go find your own love and hope that it fulfills your every need and let me know how that works out.
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstood. True love is going to make you grow and provide a strength that nobody has alone. It provides direction and reinforcement, and even financial strength that allows you to go places and realize dreams that you won't even know you had until they become within reach.


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## Zatch (Apr 28, 2013)

knightofdespair said:


> True love


What did he mean by this?


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Veracity said:


> What did he mean by this?


You know it if you have it.


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