# Ever feel like you just have nothing to say?



## LostGirl

One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.

It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank. 

I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.

Anyone else feel that?


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## iveawoken

Hey LostGirl,
This is exactly how I feel when I'm with a group of people or even with just one person. My biggest problem is that I never have "anything to say" or "interesting" stuff for that matter. I can easily approach people or be around a group of people, but I look like a complete loser for not knowing what to say. Like you mentioned, "Most of the time im just sitting there and listening," the samething goes for me too. And this is the reason why I've avoided social situations, because of not knowing what to say. I know exactly what your going through.. You aren't alone...


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## LostGirl

It's frustrating, isn't it? 

It seems like people are scared of breaks in conversation, they cant sit there in silence for more than 2 minutes without starting small talk. But I can't do it, I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I've found myself making things up just to get a few sentences in so that I don't come across as mute. :no And I hate myself for doing that. 

I get angry when some smart-arse tells me im being too quiet. They don't realize how hard I'm digging in my head trying to find something, anything, to say to them. There's just nothing there for me.


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## TheGecko

LostGirl said:


> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


Yeah  Although in my case, I really am boring.


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## Dashman28

Are you interested in people's lives? If so, ask them questions until they say something you can relate to. Of course, this can be overdone. If you never open up about yourself and just ask questions, people will get annoyed. But, in my experience, most non-SAers really like to talk about themselves, and if you show genuine interest by asking questions, they will like to talk to you. Also, people don't really judge your life as harshly as you might think; that's coming from yourself, not from other people. I for one would be far more interested in you than in girls with lots of stories about wild, drunken nights out. If you're young, you'll see how this changes.


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## yakubu

LostGirl said:


> One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.
> 
> It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.
> 
> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


yer i used to feel so boring when everyone is in a group taking turns to tell stories about things theyve done .

it used to p!ss me off that i ''didnt have a story to tell'' and id get really down in the dumps about it.

now though i dont let it bother. i accept that sa takes a big chunk out of people's lives and that i just having to let that chunk of my life go and focus on getting over this thing and experiemcing life in the NOW so that in the future ill have plenty of stories to tell


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## SadRosesAreBeautiful

*Yeah, I have a hard time finding what to say to people and never feel like I have anything interesting or witty to say. I didn't party and go to clubs and all that, so there's not much to talk about. But I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed "boring" and if someone still likes me then great, and if not, then it's their loss.*


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## shyvr6

LostGirl, I think the best thing that you could do if it's brought up is to tell the people you're with that you never really experienced parties or clubs, but you always wanted to. They would probably do the "Really!?" reactions, but after that I bet they would all love to take you out so you could experience it, and you might make some friends in the process. It may seem like the wrong thing to say, but it works. That's how I made some friends because I just told them and they couldn't get me to a club fast enough. After that, I got invited to more stuff and just built relationships with some of the people who took me.


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## solasum

Yeah, even when I'm with an old friend. I'm not even too uncomfortable in that case - I just have nothing to say. She knows all about my childhood already, my classes and grades in college, and my views in politics and religion. It's not necessarily one of those comfortable silences you imagine that old couples have.


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## Phronima

I know the feeling. It feels like my brain just shuts off around people and then turns back on when I'm alone. Think way, way too much when I'm alone almost seemingly to make up for lost time. Sadly, I know I'm capable of being an interesting person but I just have trouble expressing myself. I'm just too quiet and negative to do so most of the time.


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## laura024

I like being a listener and hate when people mention how I'm so quiet. Sometimes I want to say something and don't, but other times I just want to hear what other people have to say.


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## Gary

Heres an amazing realization I had when working on becoming more talkative, *conversation is not a physical exchange of sounds and infromation, its an unconcious vibe shared between 2 or more people*, basically conversation is not as much as the words, its about the vibe that goes on, to let it flow you gotta be dialed on the same vibe as the peopel who are talkign, you do not address conversation logically, for example with a group of friends who know eachother the vibe that is set is easily entered by any of those friends, with new people people tend to think its any different when its not.

I used to go into convo thinking itd be akward, WRONG, *go in assumign rapport*, the second you talk assumign people will talk back and be interested is the second youll put up a good vibe, people can FEEL this, lead and people will follow.


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## snowfly

I'm always quiet around people I don't know. Then it's like that's who I become, the quiet girl who never talks, and if I have something to say I'll keep it to myself because talking would be so out of character.


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## laura024

snowfly said:


> I'm always quiet around people I don't know. Then it's like that's who I become, the quiet girl who never talks, and if I have something to say I'll keep it to myself because talking would be so out of character.


Yeah, it's like it's expected. I'd be embarrassed by the fact that I started talking and people would wonder why.


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## lissette

I hate being asked "what's going on with you." My answer is always nothing much. Everyone always wants to catch up but there isn't really any catching up to do with me. My life is still work and then working out. That's all I basically do. In my 20s, I dreaded road trips with my girlfriends because I was stuck in the car with them for 4-5 hrs, and there is to do is talk. They all had these wonderful stories, and I had absolutely nothing. And I still don't.


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## Dreamer'sHideaway

With most people I find myself nodding and saying things like "yeah, that's true" a lot. Its gotten to the point where I am so sick of that (I hardly ever know what to say around new people) so I just avoid new people most of the time. Sometimes I think "some people who talk all the time - half of what they're saying is not thoughtful" but its not always true. My mind indeed goes blank a lot of the time. Later on I think of things I could have said. *Sigh* Sometimes when I DO think of things to say my avoidant personality gets in the way. "I should express my opinion on what they're talking about but I don't want to get into an argument".


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## mousam

My mind goes blank in almost all social situations, it's very frustrating. And then like the minute I leave the situation, my brain returns and I think of something I could have said.
I also don't think people really care what I have to say either, so I just don't say anything. 

I'm naturally not talkative though. I enjoy just listening most of the time.


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## Sierra83

At school this is EXACTLY what I go through. Not so with people I know well.


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## waitnsee

solasum said:


> Yeah, even when I'm with an old friend. I'm not even too uncomfortable in that case - I just have nothing to say. She knows all about my childhood already, my classes and grades in college, and my views in politics and religion. It's not necessarily one of those comfortable silences you imagine that old couples have.


I can relate completely. Whenever I get together with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen awhile she always asks me if there's anything new going on in my life and I NEVER have much to share! She always has so many interesting stories and experiences and it seems like my life the past few years has just been one long boring journey.

I notice though that since I don't have a lot of interesting stories to share my conversations start to delve more onto deeper issues which doesn't really require funny anecdotes. That's fine and all, but, most times, people just want to have fun, and talk about fun stuff, and that's where I get stuck. Actually, I know I can be fun it's just that it's more of making short silly/goofy remarks. Rather, than being more preferably witty and charming, which gains much more respect and interest from others.


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## semiserious

Yeah i get that alot in larger groups. I'm usually fine with small groups like up to five people but any more and i seem to withdraw. For me, part of it is that i'm somewhat softspoken and that i feel like i'm shouting when trying to talk over lots of other people.

In these settings, I often try to look disinterested instead of shy but that doesn't really help my situation.


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## blackcap

I have this problem all the time too. Even with people I'm comfortable with, I'll usually just have nothing to say. Some people can just talk about anything and everything, but I just can't think of anything to say, even on topics I'm interested in. I think this is the whole reason I have SA. I mean, if I could be confident that I could carry out a normal conversation with people then I wouldn't be scared at all of social situations. I may not enjoy them, but I wouldn't fear them.

I wonder if there is a way we can train our brain to improve our conversation skills? There's probably an area in our brains that's not as active as 'normal' people but maybe there are mental exercises that we can do to try and kick it into gear?


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## Strange_One

I'm terrable when it comes to social situations. I always feel like I have nothing to talk about. When I can't think of anything else to talk about I'll usually just talk about the weather, something I saw on the news, or some pointless remark about something in the suroundings like a picture or something. This usually breaks the ice for more indepth conversations. That's the hard part. Realy conversation. Small talk is easy but once we start on any kind of subject I get very nervous and I can't think. But I just talk about what I know. It's not always the most interesting thing in the world but it's all I've really got. And more often than not I come off as pretty interesting. For instance, while one of my friends are talking about alcahol I can talk about how it reacts with the orgins in your body and what it does to the different parts of your brain. This may seem pretty boring to me but for someone who just drinks and doesn't know it could be interesting. And it's really all you need to do to be a part of the conversation. Even if it's not that interesting to hear. 

For the most part I don't speak in any social situation. When I do it's, like I said, something science related, a book I read, or some crazy philisophical arguement. It's all I found I need to do to feel connected with the one or two people around me. I probably come off as strange but, hey, I still have friends and people still hang out with me.

I also stay away from large groups. I can't stand them. If I go to a big party I'm fine for the first thirty minutes or so. And then it hits me and the pressure really starts weighing down on me. I only go to parties that I know there's only going to be like five or six people there. If there's any more than ten I usually don't stay very long. I'll just say hello to the people I know. Pretty much everyone I hang out with relizes I'm socially retarded so I don't feel strange about it anymore. I just be myself... or at least try to.


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## Grim619

Yea I agree with everyone it's like i'm not social so there is nothing for me to really say. If I get into A situation where people are talking around me I think to myself I never do anything of what is being talked about so i'm basically just sitting there..

It's all downhill... People with SA aren't usually outgoing therefore we don't talk about our "active" lives, we can't relate so we don't say anything and things just get worse...


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity

I relate. I havn't opened my mouth to tell somebody a story for so long now that if I tried I'm not sure I could. I'm always the quietest guy and usually just sorta listening within the group or if its a one-to-one situation I feel obliged to make platitudinous remarks just to show that I'm listening when in actual fact I couldn't care less about how drunk they got on the weekend and the epic stories that ensued. Social skill and actual interest in talking are very low for me. I do not necessitate being constantly talkative.


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## Listen

solasum said:


> Yeah, even when I'm with an old friend. I'm not even too uncomfortable in that case - I just have nothing to say. She knows all about my childhood already, my classes and grades in college, and my views in politics and religion. It's not necessarily one of those comfortable silences you imagine that old couples have.


That's how I am with one of my friends. I've known her since I was eight and she knows me better than I know myself in a lot of cases. She even told me that she suspected that I wasn't just "shy" when we were younger. We go to different high schools now (which terrified me at first; I leaned on her during my worst anxiety) but she comes over every few months. We talk about her latest boyfriends, go through our yearbook from last year and make fun of people, and bring up some of our weird inside jokes that no one else understands, but we still struggle with things to talk about. It's not a comfortable silence really either.

As for the topic, it's the same with me. If I have something to say and I'm comfortable around you, I'll say something. If I don't, I'll just sit there and listen. That's what I do on the bus ride to/from school--I just listen to the people behind me. My friends used to try to pressure me into going places with them but they eventually gave up and if I ever want to go somewhere, I'm too scared to ask them now. The one time I tried to join in a conversation with a large group of people I mainly knew, my friend said "You wouldn't get it.", and turned away from me. It's like she was saying "You don't fit in so stop trying.", which was discouraging. When I get anxious and I'm talking to someone face-to-face, I ramble off about boring things, most of which are hard to understand because I talk fast and I stutter. The only time I have anything interesting to say is when I talk about the places I visited before I moved here and I barely remember those. I don't have much interest in what normal teens talk about and I've asked those I'm close to "What's the point?" a few times. They looked at me like I'm crazy.

I asked the girl I first mentioned to come over so we could dance in the snow or whatever since this is our first snow day in seven to nine years. She lives less than five minutes away but I think the roads are icy? At least the snow would give us something to talk about and we could run around in our PJs in my backyard with no shame.


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## BeNice

I don't see what party and clubbing stories have to do with anything. I mean, I go out sometimes and funny stuff happens, but I still don't have much to talk about. Why do we have to be talking again?

At least sometimes I notice other quiet people.. Of course I never talk to them.


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## Freiheit

laura024 said:


> Yeah, it's like it's expected. I'd be embarrassed by the fact that I started talking and people would wonder why.


Yeah same thing with me. Like, I'm always silent and usually just listen while others are talking but when I do feel like I have something to add to the conversation (which is rare) I hold back because I'm afraid that people will look at me like I've got two heads or something just because they're not used to hearing me talk. I've had this happen actually when one day, I was in a sort of talkative mood and I started talking and the people around were like  because they're used to me not saying anything. It sucks. I wish I could start life all over again and be more talkative from the start so I wouldn't have to worry about upholding my "image" which is that of the silent girl who never talks.


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## Intothedreaming1

My problem is that everything I find to be interesting is too "out there" for most people to be interested in. So it has become natural for me to always be "quiet" because I have little care for the boring, mundane conversations that take place everyday. I have deep, philosophical conversations with those close to me and cherish those above any "normal conversation" with anyone else. Those thoughts are the things that inhabit my thoughts at all hours of the day. I have questioned things that other people tell me to stop questioning. They see no point in thinking beyond what MTV thinks and what their other friends who watch MTV think.

When I converse, I want it to be meaningful and worthwhile. Having someone tell me about a party they went to last night and how many drinks they had is enough to make me call it an early night.

Also, I've found that no one likes to talk about books. Mention a movie or a tv show and you won't be able to keep the crowd off of you. But a book? No way. Too much work.


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## Canadian Brotha

I often enjoy listening more adding to the conversation, and I draw blanks as well which are often filled after the conversation has passed. I also find that with small talk I sometimes really don't care about what's being discussed so I don't join in. If people talked about deep issues more frequently then I think my situation could be different.


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## shadowsandlight

I feel this way too. I have many interests, but I don't seem to find a lot of people in my age group that share them. It seems most people like to talk about other people, TV shows I don't watch, music I don't listen to, sports I don't care about, or else parenthood, which I am not part of. I often feel like I'm boring to most people. It makes it hard to make friends.

Even if I get in a conversation about something I like, I have issues with drawing a blank too. I remember being at a small party that a boyfriend dragged me to. I didn't know anybody there, but they were all his friends so I wanted to make a good impression. A very nice girl there made an effort to talk to me right away, and it started out well enough when she asked me what I did for work and she liked what I said. But then she moved on to music and it turned out we both like a particular genre so she asked me what were a few of my favorite bands, but despite having many I could have said, I drew a complete blank, and ended up mumbling something about it depending on my mood. But she kind of stopped talking after that and I felt like it probably looked like I was just saying I shared her taste in music as a pathetic attempt to get her to like me. Ugh! I hate parties!

Oh and I also get the "you're so quiet!" and hate it, and hate it even more the times I do say something and people make a huge deal of me talking and put this big spotlight on me.


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## shydirtbikeguy

I could not count how many times kids would ask me why I am so quiet all through school.


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## mypasswordneverworks

all the time in my childhood. Not now though because I've managed to hide it and fake it a lot better. There are still those people that I don't mesh well with that say it though...that's usually cause I can tell we won't get along so I don't try to fake it. not worth the effort.


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## ohioisforloners

Sometimes when Im sitting around people in a conversation, I really want to speak up and defend/argue certain situations. After a while though, it just seems like a waste of time to me, people just get angry and really defensive if you question their beliefs etc.

Thats not really what this post is about, but I thought I would throw it out haha.
Anyway, I don't do to well with small talk at all. I can be alright around certain people that I have been around for a while, but if I don't know much about someone then I become scared that I might offend them if I say something wrong. Im not sure why, because most people don't seem to care much at all if they offend other people or say some sort of bigot remark. Theres some conversations that I don't get involved in because I know that person has NO flexibility when it comes to thinking for yourself, and I try not to get involved to much. Maybe just a sarcastic remark here n' there, that's about all.
Ok, I got off track on this post.. sorry haha.


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## jim695

Oh yes.
Nothing to say.
That was / is me all over, but not nearly as much now.

When I was a kid and a teenager I usually had nothing to say at all especially in groups like classes and parties. I would just freeze up and my mind would go blank I think more out of being so nervous than anything else. So I would just sit on the sidelines and listen. If anyone said anything to me, about the best I could do was mumble a yes or no or some other short response and then hope and pray the attention would be taken off me.

As time went on, I have gotten much better at carrying on conversations with people but that took me years of practice. It still makes me nervous and I still have the strong urge to run away, but I can at least carry on a conversation, and in fact oddly enough lots of people have told me how funny and entertaining I am which blows me away because for so much of my life people thought I had no personality at all. Often people will laugh at what I say and tell me how funny I am. It still surprises me.


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## cdits01

OMG!!! I thought I was the only one! haha...
EVERYTHING you guys are talking about -- avoiding social situations because you have nothing to say and not making friends because of it -- is EXACTLY what I'm going through. I've been doing this for SOO long that it's become a habit and I can't really say I have a close friend. I mean, I do have 2 or 3, but it's not the closeness I'd like where you can just sit up for hours talking and have things in common, ya know? I also recently went on a date with a really nice guy, but cut it off after the third date just because my self-esteem is so low and I feel anxious when talking to him (nothing wrong with him, it's me), and I really don't have a lot to say beyond small talk, which we already did on the first date. This makes me think that I'm going to keep rejecting guys and dates just because of this stupid anxiety. And I'm always told I'm interesting, nice, beautiful and good and all that, which I believe (except the interesting part). I really don't have a lot to say besides where I go to school, one book I may have read, some movies I like, my age, my family, and that's it. And then the conversation just gets stale. I avoid parties, or at least, when I do go out or go to social gatherings I don't really enjoy myself and am the most quiet one in the room. Then I think, since I didn't have fun, why go back and do it again? Which is horrible, cause then how will I make friends? Anyways... I've written A LOT, but I had to get this off my chest. Also, one more thing, if I DO want to have things to talk about it, I know I need to keep up on current events, read the news, watch t.v., look at youtube videos or whatever, but that takes so much time and sometimes I don't even remember half the stuff I just read or watched. Anyone else with that problem and everything else I just mentioned?


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## iamthespider

Exactly, I always have issues thinking of things to say. I think this is one of the main symptoms of social anxiety. I notice it even more when I'm with more than one person. When it's me and only one other person, I feel sort of forced to talk, so I'll say stuff even if I'm not so sure about it. But throw in another person or two and I really hold back. I feel like we all have things to share (even those of us who are 100 % sure we're "boring"), but the anxiety makes us go blank.

And I don't really mind when people say I'm quiet. I am quiet. At least they're trying to involve me in the conversation. It's better than everyone pretending I'm not even there.


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## hobo10

Intothedreaming1 said:


> When I converse, I want it to be meaningful and worthwhile. Having someone tell me about a party they went to last night and how many drinks they had is enough to make me call it an early night.


I TOTALLY understand! It really sucks that getting to know someone involves a lot of smalltalk. I am TERRIBLE with smalltalk and hate it so much because I have a hard time relating. I don't party, I am not into sports, I don't have "fun" weekends, I am not into racing, I don't have any children...etc. These are typical smalltalk type things. In order to get to having_ "real"_ conversations with people, you need to get past the small talk and I rarely ever can. :sigh

I wish there was a way to just skip over the small talk. I love having _"real" _conversations. I like discussing politics, outlooks on life, religion, etc. But you can't talk about that right off the bat.


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## whiteXcloud

Once I had been talking with some friends of friends at lunch and thought I was talking alot for once and was proud of it.. then someone mentioned that I'm so quiet and I never talk. >.> fail.


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## Robot the Human

My problem is, that I have infinite things to say in my head. Putting the thoughts into words, is a whole other story.


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## inflatable zombie

Yes, I'm 30-years-old and I have no stories to tell. ops


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## SapphireLeo

LostGirl said:


> And in turn, I just come off as boring.


Being told you're quiet is maybe the most annoying thing in the world - like I don't know I'm quiet! I think it's just flat out rude to be honest. If I say anything in response I give them a sideways look and say "I know" or just simply nod and smile. 

I use to feel exactly like you when I was younger - as if I missed out. Now I am thankful that my social anxiety kept me away from the wild parties and things. As a result, I have a lot of knowledge to share and people that take the time to get to know me are usually amazed by that fact.

In short, I don't think you're boring at all - you just have a different path in life and there's nothing wrong with it. :yes


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## ak2218

LostGirl said:


> It's frustrating, isn't it?
> 
> It seems like people are scared of breaks in conversation, they cant sit there in silence for more than 2 minutes without starting small talk. But I can't do it, I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I've found myself making things up just to get a few sentences in so that I don't come across as mute. :no And I hate myself for doing that.
> 
> I get angry when some smart-arse tells me im being too quiet. They don't realize how hard I'm digging in my head trying to find something, anything, to say to them. There's just nothing there for me.


wow this is crazy and i thought i was the only one frustrated with this problem....my mind constantly draws a blank when im in a social setting. The constant blank mind causes me to go out of my way to avoid social interaction or to just hide in my room. Ive been struggling with friends and even family now and it really is frustrating 

another thing ive noticed about myself is that if i feel a conversation is dying whether its between my father or sister and i feel a silence coming on i automatically get uncomfortable and depending on how long the silence is I have to get up and go into another room to get a breathe of fresh air or I just go back to my room...And much like what you said, I also find myself making up things to say just to fill in the silence.. Am I going crazy here??


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## cdits01

*Isolation... *

Yes! I have always been the shy, quiet one in my family. My whole family are extroverts, except my Dad, who's still even a bit extroverted. I've always wanted to hide from people, not answer the door, not introduce myself to people, not even go up to people I don't know, etc. I don't enjoy big parties, graduation parties, birthday parties, going out to the bars or dancing. Sometimes it's fun, but I always feel awkward. I feel like I'm standing alone in a corner or something and just not contributing to conversation. It's so hard not to compare myself to people, especially my family. 
And it's so hard to get out of this habit of running away from people, but its not good, because people HAVE to communicate to make it in the world, ya know? 
So ... what do we do about this guys? Focus on our strengths, is one thing I'm always told. And just enjoy the conversation and entertainment around us. I think a lot of us are introverts too, and there's nothing wrong with that. So we need to accept this part of ourselves, it's just sooo hard.
any advice or similar stories?


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## heyJude

Same here. I feel like that often.


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## Antis

I remember my first day at college. I sat around the table with 5 other members of my tutor group, they were all chatting away, but I stayed quiet. One of the guys expected more from me because I bigged myself up to him earlier, and he did a big moan and called me boring in front of the whole group. There was then a 4 second akward silence that lasted forever.

I genuinly had nothing to say lol. Maybe I had nothing in common with them, or I suck... they were talking about local gangs or something, lol...


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## Gabby

All the time.

I'm with a group of people in school... because my long time friend (who isnt really my friend anymore, we hardly ever talk and it's... awkward) introduced me to them. Ever since one of the girls in the group decided to hate me, the others act as if I dont exist anymore. So I usually just stand there awkwardly.

To make things even worse all they ever talk about is their AP courses. I'm a dumb kid in all regular classes, so I never know what they are talking about. It seems like their whole life is studying, haha.


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## ImHiding

I feel like that all the time & it's endlessly frustrating. Now, that I've graduated from college, I reeeeally don't have anything to talk about. That was my identity. I struggle with things to talk about in social situations, even with my family & close friends who I've known for years now.... So much so that I just avoid them all together. Now I'm stuck in NYC and isolating--my family thinks I'm totally insane. :afr

In response to cdits01 "...if I DO want to have things to talk about it, I know I need to keep up on current events, read the news, watch t.v., look at youtube videos or whatever, but that takes so much time and sometimes I don't even remember half the stuff I just read or watched." I can totally relate. It takes so much time and doing it alone is really depressing... I just wonder wtf the point of any of it is... I feel like I'm cramming for an exam that I know I'm going to fail any way..


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## alwaysthequietgirl

whiteXcloud said:


> Once I had been talking with some friends of friends at lunch and thought I was talking alot for once and was proud of it.. then someone mentioned that I'm so quiet and I never talk. >.> fail.


This has happened to me more than once... I was SO proud of myself, and then I felt like a total loser. :blank

This thread is me all the way... hence my username, which I chose with bitterness and resignation. I HATE being called "quiet", because it typically implies that I'm boring. I want so badly to be able to speak in a conversation, in a meeting at work, etc., but I am absolutely terrified. And heaven forbid I take the leap and then everyone makes a big deal out of it. It's a catch-22. And "normal" people have no idea what a big deal it is for us.


----------



## im Lost

yes i feel like that all the time.


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## shynesshellasucks

Yup, I feel like this most of the time. I have no life to speak of, and share, with others. The only things I talk about are mostly about pro sports and video games. I also talk about school with certain friends, but other than that, I almost got nothing to offer. I have become very cautious about what I say in order not to sound stupid. I have become more of an observer, and tend to stop and listen to what people talk about to get a good idea on how to socialize. I must say it has helped me understand that it is very difficult to talk when you have no life, and no common knowledge to talk about. I feel that, Topic transitioning is also a sticking point for me.


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## Freiheit

I feel like I have nothing to say all the time I'm with people I've just met, or people I'm not close to. It's because I focus on not looking nervous to them. Because of this, I lose the ability to come up with ideas in my head on what to say. In a way, I lose touch with what's going on around me.


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## Jennifer Clayton

Gawsh. The story of my liiife. It feels like you never have anything valuable to contribute the conversation, because you are not the same person as your friends. They all have all this social experience, and it's hard to relate. It's not that we really are boring- we can be really exciting, fun people. It's just sometimes, we face this big barrier of communication, and we have to learn to overcome that in order to feel like a part of that group, so we can find something to say.


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## camtrol

I feel like staying silent almost every day but try to talk to people anyway for as long as i can keep it up. Through repetition i hope to build some strength.


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## stephysanrio

I used to get this question a lot in high school I didn't answer back most of the time. It bothered me ALOT. Sometimes Id say "idk." A few months ago I went out with a friend of mines and her friends I dont know them that much so I was really quiet I felt so ackward and she asked me why was I quiet and I said I just didnt know what to say. I felt really bad after ward cuz I dont even know why I'm so quiet at times, my mind goes blank! I'm shy at first but even when the shyness goes away I can be really quiet at times. I get really anxious when meeting new ppl


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## louboutin

cdits01 said:


> Yes! I have always been the shy, quiet one in my family. My whole family are extroverts, except my Dad, who's still even a bit extroverted. I've always wanted to hide from people, not answer the door, not introduce myself to people, not even go up to people I don't know, etc. I don't enjoy big parties, graduation parties, birthday parties, going out to the bars or dancing.


This is me, to the last word. Add making phone calls to that. It makes me sick and when I look at other people being easy and normal I just can't get it into my head how they do it. And then I sometimes think surely they must feel the same as me inside but just hide it well? The problem is I think about what I'm doing/saying before I do it far too much and I can't stop doing that


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## SOME

Makes me feel like i'm not even there...


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## Deathinmusic

I feel like this almost all the time. It's probably one of the main reasons I constantly avoid everything. I have no idea what to say to people and that's also the reason I tend to lose contact with the people who are already in my life. It's also the reason why I can't seem to form any online friendships on this forum or elsewhere. It really sucks but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. I have always been quiet and tending to withdraw. I have never been that guy who had a lot to say in conversations because I just didn't have anything to say.

Sometimes when I do try to make a new friend or just get to know someone, eventually it just always fails because they lose interest in me because of how quiet, boring and empty I am.

Is there anything that can be done? I feel doomed to a life of loneliness and misery because of this... 



blackcap said:


> I have this problem all the time too. Even with people I'm comfortable with, I'll usually just have nothing to say. Some people can just talk about anything and everything, but I just can't think of anything to say, even on topics I'm interested in. I think this is the whole reason I have SA. I mean, if I could be confident that I could carry out a normal conversation with people then I wouldn't be scared at all of social situations. I may not enjoy them, but I wouldn't fear them.


I agree with you. If I was confident I was always able to say something and carry a conversation I think my SA would be all but nonexistent. But I just have so many experiences of situations where it's just awkward silence because I just can't bring myself to say anything...


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## Social Natural

Whenever there is an awkward quiet moment, I just let it happen and admit it in a obvious humorous. Look whenever you're quiet, it's not your fault, the other person is quiet too and is not contributing anything for you to work with in terms of the interaction. Just remember that the other person is thinking the same thing that he/she is being quiet, not just you


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## equiiaddict

Story of my life! The only difference is, I can actually remember what I've done so I can share stories if I want, but my problem is that I don't like all the attention being on me so I tend to avoid sharing long drawn out stories unless I'm really comfortable.
I'm known as the quiet one in my group of friends too. I hate it because I'm really not THAT quiet. I'm just not a loudmouth. I can be loud when needed, (like if I'm pissed or super hyper or whatever) but for the most part, I don't go around shouting at the top of my lungs. I wish people would understand that. Plus, I'm not gonna talk if I'm not comfortable with the people I'm around. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
I don't really have any advice to give, considering I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the same thing myself. I mean, the way I try to look at it is...would you rather be known as the obnoxious, loud one or the calm, quiet one? It's the second for me. :b


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## spaceygirl

those "whats going on in your life" conversations are the worst. Like many of you I just have nothing to share and I feel like I'm being judged for that. Especially at work, where people make small talk all the time about their outside-work lives. I can't join in those cause I don't really have a life outside of work, and therefore my at-work life sucks too cause I can't make small-talk with anyone (vicious cycle haha). It used to bother me more but I found forcing myself to make small talk was just as painful if not more so than not engaging in those conversations at all (but sometimes you just have to, like when they approach you or it's at an obligatory "social function"..blech). I usually just do the ask them questions about their life thing but I think that makes people uncomfortable after awhile. 

Plus I know it sounds mean or selfish of me but sometimes they will go on about stuff that I can't relate to at all (like their kids, weddings etc.) and though I try to express interest I think they sense that it's not really coming from a place of mutual understanding and eventually tire of me. I feel bad for other people that do make that effort to talk to meand get nothing, but I just have to accept that I'm not interested in that small-talk or building any relationships based around that (especially work-wise, as I know that can be a big part of the whole "networking" thing). I suppose if i was really interested in "working my way up the ladder" so-to-speak I would make more of an effort, but then I think I'd just be disappointed anyways and feel like a big phony so meh


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## spaceygirl

Good point. I think the awkwardness comes from thinking that's its your responsibility to fill those silences when the other person has been doing most of the talking (well at least for me that's usually the case).



Social Natural said:


> Whenever there is an awkward quiet moment, I just let it happen and admit it in a obvious humorous. Look whenever you're quiet, it's not your fault, the other person is quiet too and is not contributing anything for you to work with in terms of the interaction. Just remember that the other person is thinking the same thing that he/she is being quiet, not just you


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## rosebudxo

Waaay too often. That's why I'm quiet. I feel like I have nothing to say. :/


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## spaceygirl

ImHiding said:


> I feel like that all the time & it's endlessly frustrating. Now, that I've graduated from college, I reeeeally don't have anything to talk about. That was my identity. I struggle with things to talk about in social situations, even with my family & close friends who I've known for years now.... So much so that I just avoid them all together. Now I'm stuck in NYC and isolating--my family thinks I'm totally insane. :afr
> 
> In response to cdits01 "...if I DO want to have things to talk about it, I know I need to keep up on current events, read the news, watch t.v., look at youtube videos or whatever, but that takes so much time and sometimes I don't even remember half the stuff I just read or watched." I can totally relate. It takes so much time and doing it alone is really depressing... I just wonder wtf the point of any of it is... I feel like I'm cramming for an exam that I know I'm going to fail any way..


I like that last line about cramming for an exam you know you're going to fail anyways! I totally feel that way if I try to keep up to date about things just to have something to make small-talk about.


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## dust3000

Yeah but then I have no life. So I have nothing worth discussing. People have plans for the future and memories of the past and I just do the same thing day in day out.

Actually even if I did do things, I'm not really interested in discussing them since they are over and done with or talking about the future about imaginary things that may never happen.

I think I should be doing more and thinking less, I think that's what normal people do and that's why they have things to talk about it.


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## newguy84

I have the same problem. Though it seems to vary. Some days I'm vocal , other days i'm quiet and thats around the same people. Around strangers I feel very ackward at times making a conversation but I also feel like I'm "hustling" them into thinking I'm normal. For the most part that actually seems to work though In my head I feel very very uncomfortable. Fake it til you make it.... Though I have a cig/weed/videogame/porn addiction... so theres no wonder I dont have much to say. " Hey what did u do yesterday?" and If I were to answer that question honestly.. " I uhhh.. played some videogames, smoked a little weed and watched some porn" That would obviously sound stupid.... so I think thats part of the problem. I need to let go of my addictions and find more productive things to do with my time so I can have a real convo. Good luck.


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## Seefishh

I can totally relate to you. Its always everyone doing the talking and sometimes I get called out by the people that surround me and they're like why don't you talk? Its so frustrating at times. I just don't feel I would have any input that would be substantial in such trivial conversations. I don't understand people who just talk for the sake of talking.


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## Moony

All the time! Not only that, but I also tend to not know what to say next in a 1on1 conversation, my mind goes blank like I can't think.


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## Namida

Yup definitely. But I'd rather keep it that way. I'm more of a listener than a speaker. I always have the perception that everyone else lead far more interesting lives and thus have more fascinating things to say than me. And also accompanied by the fear that no one will care what I say if I were to speak up. lol. But I realize that in a large social gathering, if you're there, just be there and laugh with them when they're laughing. They'll start to notice you and know that you're also joining in the fun. Just stop worrying and you'll have fun.

However, if it's one-on-one, I'll definitely try to come up with something. Unless I'm really exhausted to think.


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## SunnyFriday86

I always have something to say,but nobody listens to me...


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## alex92

Especially when the topic of conversation turns to relationships.

I guess its just cos those of us with SA rarely have any exciting stories to tell, and we can't relate to those telling stories about wild parties, relationships etc.

But yeah, so often I think to myself:

"There is absolutely nothing i can input to this conversation so I'm just gonna stay quiet"


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## Anemone

Yep. I can never think of much to say about the subjects most people discuss. Then, when I do speak, people sometimes ignore me or cut me off. So I just shut up.


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## Winds

I find that I have a lot to say after the fact, but when I am in the middle of a conversation my mind goes blank and my lips don't move at all. Then after the moment is over and the situation has ended, I can suddenly recall everything that was on my mind and how I wanted to say it.


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## liilliiliilllil

EastWinds said:


> I find that I have a lot to say after the fact, but when I am in the middle of a conversation my mind goes blank and my lips don't move at all. Then after the moment is over and the situation has ended, I can suddenly recall everything that was on my mind and how I wanted to say it.


^^^Described me perfectly there.

Whoever can figure out how to solve this problem would be very rich!


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## shadow cougar

I always want to say something but somewhere along the lines my mouth will not open and words will not come out.


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## angus

uuummmmm........


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## nycdude

Yes all the time.


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## Tashish84

Wow. I almost started crying when I read this forum. I mean, I knew there were other people out there who felt the same way as I do, but I didn't think they could take the words right out of my mouth. I've never joined any internet forum before, but I felt compelled to join this one. If I can't talk to other people, I can talk to people here who know exactly what it's like. I do have friends and a boyfriend, but anyone outside of that circle is like pulling teeth for me to talk to. I think it's amazing that I've made any friends at all in my entire life, and sometimes I wonder if the ones I have are actually really my friends. Do they really like me, or are we all just pretending? I don't know why they would, because I feel like a pretty boring person. I feel like the best type of job for someone like me would be something like a writer where I can not be seen, and be reclusive in my house, but instead I have chosen a profession where I am forced to communicate with people. I don't know if I did it to try to overcome my hardship, but so far it hasn't worked, and I wonder how the rest of my life will pan out if I am constantly worrying and suffering when having to be around people. I am good at pretending a lot of things, but that can only take me so far. 

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I was just so happy that I found this forum!:roll


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## Fantas Eyes

Story of my life.


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## jamesd

Actually, I am quite the opposite. I have too much to say. I have racing thoughts and speech, words just flow out of my mouth like a broken faucet. Often times I have to remind myself to stop talking. I rather I have your condition.


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## mike285

ImHiding said:


> I feel like that all the time & it's endlessly frustrating. Now, that I've graduated from college, I reeeeally don't have anything to talk about. That was my identity. I struggle with things to talk about in social situations, even with my family & close friends who I've known for years now.... So much so that I just avoid them all together. Now I'm stuck in NYC and isolating--my family thinks I'm totally insane. :afr
> 
> In response to cdits01 "...if I DO want to have things to talk about it, I know I need to keep up on current events, read the news, watch t.v., look at youtube videos or whatever, but that takes so much time and sometimes I don't even remember half the stuff I just read or watched." I can totally relate. It takes so much time and doing it alone is really depressing... I just wonder wtf the point of any of it is... I feel like I'm cramming for an exam that I know I'm going to fail any way..


Ugh I feel exactly the same except that i'm a sophomore in college. i feel like i'll end up isolating myself in some city (probably nyc too) like yourself. I just never feel like I know what to talk about and totally agree with the second part of your post. There's that and the total lack of experiences in my life due to my SA.


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## finch

omg yes. i tend to "perform", you know, smile, nod, try and say something nice, smile, nod, laugh. of course the real me doesnt smile alot unless im actually happy, which i thought that was normal... cept growing up im taught to smile more and get people to like me etc etc etc... cept i was getting pissed off of having to be people's door mat only to be scolded that i should stand up for myself and -yet- not get people to dislike me.

urg... i think thats why i have nothing to say... ;p for things like that come out of my mouth. -laughs!-


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## fire mage64

Yes, but that's only because I haven't been doing anything with my life lately. If I went out more I'd have more interesting things to say...


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## CosmicNeurotica

Yeah, but what makes it worse is when you do actually try to speak, and they just do a half smile and start continuing talking with other people :/
It's a lose lose. Either have nothing to say, or something to say and no one wants to hear it.


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## Dennishere

There was actually a time when I thought I was clever, but hearing other people talk makes me think different. Fear makes you come up with the dumbest things while other adept speakers just have the perfect phrase for the situation. Sometimes I prefer silence but the convo must go on! Like at work, coworkers dont even talk about legit topics and they end up laughing and enjoying themselves. I wouldnt know how to respond to most of the things they say...


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## skygazer

varies in people and discussion. i hate discussion about people, clothes, parties, or any typical interest of an extrovert. when i say "i don't know" what i truly mean is i don't care.


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## Scarlet Tanager

People think i'm boring BECAUSE I'm quiet. :blank


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## Karuni

This happens every time I'm stuck being near people I don't know. I can't think of anything I know will be interesting to say, so I just stay entirely quiet unless questioned. It's frustrating because it leaves a bad first impression, but I just don't know what to do.


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## Piko

My parents get mad at me because I don't say much. I just really enjoy sitting there and listening to peoples conversations... 

 I keep my comments to myself, that's all. I just have nothing to say to anyone...


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## Onomatopoeia

I like this point because I can relate to it:



Dennishere said:


> There was actually a time when I thought I was clever, but hearing other people talk makes me think different.* Fear makes you come up with the dumbest things while other adept speakers just have the perfect phrase for the situation. Sometimes I prefer silence but the convo must go on! Like at work, coworkers dont even talk about legit topics and they end up laughing and enjoying themselves*. I wouldnt know how to respond to most of the things they say...


- I find talking with someone is easier when they have something in common with you. If they are a natural talker, and you can come up with the questions to ask (or spark their imagination with a few words), then eight times out of ten, you have it made


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## PeakOfTheMountain

I don't recall ever having had anything to say.


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## alexander9

I feel this way too. Anyone ever feel like they're the only one in their circle that's like this? I feel like if there was someone else who was reserved like me, it wouldn't feel _as_ uncomfortable...


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## ThisGuy

PeakOfTheMountain said:


> I don't recall ever having had anything to say.


:teeth I was gonna say the same thing.


----------



## MrZi

LostGirl said:


> One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.
> 
> It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.
> 
> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


i'm exactly the same. the rare occation that i'll be in a group of people, they will be talking about something or laughing at something that happened one night, i'm just there listening.

i can't add anything to their convo because i wasn't there, or haven't done that etc....i feel if i say something i'll just ruin the convasation and they'll laugh at me.

i go to the gym every so often (as i normally train at home - got an area in my back yard setup as a gymnastium - i do gymnastic conditioning) and if i say hi to someone i know there - eg 12 of the guys i know there were talking about a date he went on few weeks ago, luckily there was another guy there to, so i could slowly get on with my workout - i couldn't add anything to that convasation! nor ask questions - in the fear that one of them would ask "you know what i mean" or "have you ever dated someone who....." then to my embarassment they find out i've never been on a date due to anxiety.


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## Later

Many times the other person/people just talks so much, groups are worse, I try to talk, but they talk over me. I say I quit, and there's no option but to listen.


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## Xlostcausekid13

yes, all the time. especially when talking to a girl. if i knew _what to talk to them about _then i might be able to carry on a conversation with one of them. say i can actually think of something we have in common and start talking about it. the train has started rolling, yes? but then thats only a little bit of talk, maybe like a minute's worth. then the "train" all of a sudden just drops off a cliff and crashes. then BAM! awkward silence. or very awful flow of fragmented conversation at best.

i never get past that part. i want SO BAD to connect with someone. i wish there could be someone who would love me and we could just sit there in silence together and it would be _ok _and i wouldnt have to worry...


----------



## akt

all the time.

i'm not sure when people ask the "why are you so quiet" question what they actually want to hear...are they concerned, want to hear my problems, that it's me not them or what...or is it just a statement saying the obvious in case i forgot i wasn't talking or haven't said anything.


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## Jessie203

Yeah

I like to take it all in sometimes before I start talking more, and people think same **** prob lol... w.e though, that's no really sa thats just being introverted sa or not I like to see how people are interacting before i jump in


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## 266x

Yes, right now. talking to this girl lol on fb.. so awkward fo rme right now


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## softshock11

This happens to me allot! My common line is "wait..what?"
I kind of panic sometimes when the spotlight is on me and i don't know what to say...sometimes I just wing it and say something really off -_-.
Except when I have my articulate moments I don't even have the confidence to speak my mind or it just bores people.


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## General Shy Guy

I constantly feel like this :blank .


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## person23

yea i feel the same way...but in general i feel like i have a ton of stuff that i wanna say but intstead of just saying it i just second geuss what it is that i want to say...and i pretty much just convince myself that its stupid and nobody cares, and then once i decide that i actually do want to say it i feel like the moment passes where it would make sence to say it...its one of the most annoying things ever and i just wish i could just say somthing without over thinking it


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## SAblows

I know what you mean...but even worse is that even alone I feel like I have trouble forming opinions or thoughts, not just around other people. It's really hard to deal with....its like part of my brain is just dead all the time... anyone else feel like this?

I have no problem going out or being around people, its just that I feel like I have nothing to contribute...but at the sametime, I can get a 100% on a college econ exam...go figure...I'm so confused about it.


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## NoName99

I really, really hate it when I haven't got anything to say, although it doesn't happen all the time anymore (thank heavens). It does happen all too often though. And I especially hate it when people comment on that. Because it confirms that other people notice, and that's the main fear with SA -- other people observing us. I just want to be treated like a normal person, damn it, and then I get stuck in this image other people have of me of being quiet and calm. It's hard to get out of it because everyone will act suprised. "Oh look, he talks!" or something... it's infuriating. Just now some guy I see every day noted that I was quiet and calm and whatever, and now I'm home, anxious and obsessing about it. Sh*t.

Other than that, I don't really mind the silence when it's not one-on-one, but when it is I just want to run and hide. It's incredibly frustrating, and it's probably the number one reason I avoid social situations.

Funny, I just realized that it may actually be the one and only reason... because it's precisely that discomfort that I am avoiding. Wow. Gotta tell that one to the therapist :idea

One time though, I was with old friends from school, and they all kept talking and talking while I just sat there. I didn't get nervous at all because I realized I just wasn't interested... not in the conversation, and probably not in them either. I just felt bored and disappointed, I guess.


----------



## shadowmask

Eh.


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## meringue

All. The. Time. What's worse is when somebody tells me I'm quiet, because it just makes me even quieter because I don't want to say anything at all for fear of being judged. People have confessed to me that they think I am awkward and seem "lost" just because I don't have something to say all the time. It's so annoying!


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## Hadron92

same here - i have practically nothing to say in social settings. it's so bad that i think i talk the most during operations in the army since I'm a team commander and i have to give out orders. apart from that, there was one occasion that i can't remember because i was so drunk in which my friends told me that i seemed, for the first time ever, to be having fun.


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## lissa530

LostGirl said:


> One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.
> 
> It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.
> 
> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


Yeah all the time. It sucks lacking normal life experiences which like you said leaves us nothing to add to a convo. Don't know what else to say other then I can very much relate.


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## mysterioussoul

hmm .. sometimes. it depends. there's not much going on with me so not a lot of stories to share but i can still come up with random and trivial things to say.

sometimes i just can't be bothered putting an effort into socialising at all and rather be alone then be around people and have to pretend.


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## serenegeek

Phronima said:


> I know the feeling. It feels like my brain just shuts off around people and then turns back on when I'm alone. Think way, way too much when I'm alone almost seemingly to make up for lost time. Sadly, I know I'm capable of being an interesting person but I just have trouble expressing myself. I'm just too quiet and negative to do so most of the time.


This is so me! But most of the time I prefer to be alone and to be left alone. For me its not only a matter of not having anything to say but I actually love being in total silence as if I am in an endless meditation. Its not that I don't like people but I am also fed up with having to force myself to talk, it can get so exhausting both mentally and physically. Yes and its really annoying when people keep telling you you're so quiet and timid and to snap out of it.


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## Cody88

I come across this problem a lot! It's like people will have things to add onto conversations and I'm left just trying to figure out something to say in a lot of conversations. I'm too eccentric so my interests are really narrow and I wind up having to wait for something to add besides just saying yeah >.<


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## QueenEnna

I can relate to all of this. It's not that I can't think of anything to say, but I can't think of anything worthwhile to say. I figure anything somebody else has to say will be more interesting then what I think, so I keep quiet. Then once I manage to get something out, people feel compelled to draw me into the conversation, and start actually directing questions at me, and that's when I tend to get awkward, because I'm not prepared for those questions.
And that's just in group situations. It's worse when it's just me and one other person that I'm supposed to know well and be comfortable with just because we hang out with the same people.


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## scaredtolive

IMO there is nothing wrong with not being very talkative. If everyone is talking then who is listening.


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## Mur

All the time yo.


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## cozycocoon

Yes, it happens all the time. Either because I'm so worried about saying something stupid or incorrect, or because I really don't have anything to add. Make me feel stupid as people always seem to have opinions strong enough to express them, and I feel like mine are not strong enough to be shared. 
People also go out and do things, and have experience. My fears keeps me securely at home many a time, and I don't have these experiences to talk about or share. Even when opportunities to do come up, I flake last minute and cancel the event or get-together. So, I don't have much new happening in my life to talk about, or at least things of significance.
Not sure how all this is going to change, or maybe the solution is in just accepting this lifestyle...


----------



## lionessrampant

Whenever I'm in a group, I love to just sit and listen. I want to be a writer so I like to observe. Sometimes, I have a lot to say, but no one wants to hear. Other times, I can't think of anything to say, and everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok, why I'm so quiet, and then it just makes me more self-conscious and less likely to open my mouth. What's wrong with me just sitting there quietly anyway?


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## LynnNBoys

Sometimes I have a hard time in a large group because I'll think of something to say and by the time I've thought about the right words to express it, the conversation has moved on to another topic. Or I can't get a word in edge-wise--I'm horrible at breaking into a conversation, so by the time there is break when I can talk, again, the topic has changed and the thing I was going to say isn't relevant.

Other times, I have nothing to say and am content to listen. Or everyone is talking about work gripes or horrible bosses, and I work from home part-time along with raise my kids--last time I worked in an office was 1999. I feel like I have nothing to contribute.


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## Diacetylmorphine

Definitely, I feel like I bore people a lot of the time.


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## Pialicious88

yup, it happens everytime i start a conversation, doesnt happen online (text) though, i guess im just slow, when i talk to people online i have a lot of time to think about what im going to say so its easier to come up with different conversation topics.


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## Fluffy

I definately have this problem...I always stare at whatever else is going on as a lame excuse to not be speaking. But if it was a quiet room, I'd end up just pretending to clean my nails and looking around awkwardly, or stare off into space and say I was lost in thought. I hate these situations with a passion, they make me nervous just thinking about them! :afr


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## Fear Goggles

I could have very easily have written the majority of these posts. I feel like I know you all on a very personal level. You seem like the kind of people I'd be capable of communicating with as there would be a mutual understanding of awkwardness. We should all get together an partake in some immersion therapy :b

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting here, I don't really have much to add. It's just nice knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles. I often feel guilty and ashamed of my SA. When I look around and see the issues other people are dealing with, my problems seem so petty and trivial, but then again, everything is relative.

One thing I find when attempting to engage in conversation is that I'm very aware of how I feel when others ask me questions, so I tend to project those same feelings onto everyone else. I start to feel like if I were to ask someone a question, it would be perceived as an utter invasion of privacy. Beyond that of course, there's always that fear that I wouldn't be able to respond to their response. 

My SA has gotten worse with time. The more of an effort I make to attend social events, the more self-conscious I become and the less able I am to effectively communicate. It does just feel like a losing battle sometimes. I used to be able to express my opinions fairly well, I believed what I was saying and people respected me for it. As time passes and I accumulate more knowledge; I become increasingly unsure of myself. I feel as if I simply do not have enough information on any subject to speak confidently about it. I felt like everything I say is founded in ignorance, and it feels even worse if that ignorance goes unnoticed. I think I'm slowly becoming mute. lol


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## anthrotex

If you don't feel like you have a past to talk about, share your dreams for the future.


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## Iced

All the time, that's why I post pictures insead.


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## anthoe

blackcap said:


> I have this problem all the time too. Even with people I'm comfortable with, I'll usually just have nothing to say. Some people can just talk about anything and everything, but I just can't think of anything to say, even on topics I'm interested in. I think this is the whole reason I have SA. I mean, if I could be confident that I could carry out a normal conversation with people then I wouldn't be scared at all of social situations. I may not enjoy them, but I wouldn't fear them.
> 
> I wonder if there is a way we can train our brain to improve our conversation skills? There's probably an area in our brains that's not as active as 'normal' people but maybe there are mental exercises that we can do to try and kick it into gear?


Hi, yeah I'm the exact same as you and I often wonder the same thing but I personally think the social part of my brain just didn't develop..the ability to socialise is obviously a natural human ability that I just don't have..I often look at my nephews and nieces who just naturally make friends with other kids with no effort and I know I was never even as a kid able to do this and not because I was shy but because I just never had anything to say even back then..It's so humiliating to be an adult who can't in any meaningful way take part in this life..even simple things like getting a taxi or getting my hair cut are a huge deal for me..I wish there was a support group where people like us could meet up and where there would be no social expectations..but it would probably end up being a room full of people not speaking  I really am in despair about this, the older I get the worse it is to deal with.. I feel cheated of a normal happy life..I wish I was never born...


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## yes133

*four years later...*

maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Silence is interesting. People don't like silence because they get bored or uncomfortable when things get too quiet. I feel like one of the biggest problems with our society is that we don't know how to be quiet we always have to be talking at someone, telling a story, having someone agree with our opinion or justify our existence by agreeing with our story.

It's funny to respond to this thread because it's 4 years later, but oh well.

Wanting to say something and not being able to is a different story. Do we really just have nothing to say? or do we want to say something and contribute, but are worried what people are going to say? Sometimes the conversation is happening so fast it's hard to even throw a comment into the mix. Sometimes we don't know what people are even talking about. Maybe you could join the conversation by asking a question, "Hey I have no idea what you guys are talking about, can you explain." Some people love to teach and include and would be happy to tell you all about whatever. I think also it's okay to just listen. Practice listening without judging.

Start by being honest with yourself and determining if you just have nothing to say or are too scared to say anything because of feeling vulnerable. I think being a good listener is sometimes mixed up with being socially anxious.


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## mcmuffinme

I think that's why I like discussing intellectual subjects. You don't have to have a life at all to have read something interesting. I also developed a sense of humor from a lifetime of mental illness. It makes me seem cold and maybe even a little mean spirited, but it's better than talking about how I never do anything. Although on occasion I do admit openly to friends that I never do anything. I need to stop doing that because everybody thinks I'm lazy. I mean, I AM lazy, but I don't want them to know it, hehe.


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## Mithun

I feel that way around people who seem to be narrow-minded.


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## visualkeirockstar

Me too.


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## paulyD

LostGirl said:


> One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.
> 
> It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.
> 
> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


you just have to be honest with them. you have to say ''i'm painfully shy and anxious in social situations. ive been this way for a long time so i dont really know how to speak to people.''

if they are decent people theyll understand and help you. they'll teach how to talk more and be social


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## Imbored21

In group conversations (4+) i can make witty comments and crack jokes but when it comes to having a real conversation i have nothing to say. I also hate 1 on 1 converations and cant get past "how are you?"


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## halb

I'm not into small talk. I'm insecure of sharing my feelings with others. Also, I'm wary of people's reception to my opinions or whatever I wanna say. I do feel like speaking sometimes but refrain from doing so. And sometimes I'm not interested in saying anything at all.


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## Kml5111

This is a main problem of mine. Like they would want me to contribute to a conversation, but I just don't know how.


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## RadioactivePotato

I know where you are coming from. It really makes things awkward when somebody says, "You don't talk much, do you?", or something along those lines.


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## SomniferumPapi

yea and i dont even have to be nervous, sometimes i really just dont care to talk with people. and people mostly think of that as them being rejected lol

Only when something that interests me i chime in but i hate "small" talk, i like interesting conversations and "gossiping" is unacceptable imo


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## stewartoo7

it depends on the situation as to how i deal with it sometimes you cant shut me up lol


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## TastelessCookie

I'm like that, too. It doesn't matter if I'm with a group of friends or not, I barely speak or give out my opinions on stuff, so everybody is like ''why are you so quiet'' and I'm like ''well this is me, I don't talk much'' when inside my brain screams ''go f**k yourself''. I prefer being the listener in conversations and the reasons are:
1. I always seem to find other people's opinions more interesting and true than mine. 
2. I can't do commanding speeches and even if I do they sound so fail-ish.
3. I can never find the right moment to barge in, and end-up interrupting someone's speech. It's horrible. 
4. When I finally decide to make my tongue work and spill words out, it's too late because people have changed subject.
5. I feel everybody is going to judge my sayings and will disapprove or won't agree with me.


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## WakeMeUp

Yes all the time! But with people I know well it seems like I have everything in the world to say. :get


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## dine

*hi*

Im also from andhra pradesh,india.i think indians have less social anxiety they are generally more talkative but im a moderate social anxietic person


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## dine

*hi*

Im also from india.i think indians have less social anxiety they are generally more talkative but im a moderate social anxietic person


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## pinkichigo

I feel your pain! It's especially bad for me with my family because everyone is so chatty they practically end up shouting several different conversations over one another :afr Luckily my Dad's the same as me so we just sit companionably together and drink :b

My best advice is to just ask questions, or make all the right kind of sounds when someone else is talking ("oh my god!" "really?" "haha that's so cool" "awww awesome, that sounds fun" etc. etc.). Kinda makes it seem less like you're being spoken at and more like you're conversing  I find the longer I sit in silence the harder it is to speak, and doing that helps.

But yeah, you're definitely not alone! There's nothing wrong with being quiet though so don't worry too much about not being Little Miss Chatty, a lot of people find it endearing and besides, if we were all the same it'd be a boring old world


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## inerameia

Yeah my mind is just blank and it makes for an awkward situation. I wish the thoughts for conversation would just flow right to me. I feel boring when I talk to people because I don't know what to say.


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## alieneyed




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## Readytolive

Lostgirl, I know exactly how you feel. This is something that has plagued for pretty much most of my life, particularly in my high school years and into college. Everyone else would be talking, having words flow so easily out of their mouths, and I would sit there with my mind blank and feeling lost. I could recognize how out of place and weird I must have seemed to others, but I could never just start talking. I felt completely frozen, and ultimately overcome with anxiety for not saying anything. I never felt like I ever had much to contribute to a conversation. 

Now, looking back on all these years, I feel as if at times it is even more difficult to get involved in group conversations. I cannot shake the feeling that, because of all these years, that I have even less to talk about with others. I feel like I have to hide the large gap in my life of missed opportunities.


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## failed101

Same, xD!. I'm only 15 years old but sometimes I just can't say anything!. Mostly because of bad memory and forgetfulness.
Listening to conversations a lot, I realize that most people don't even say words that are meaningful. You can say random topics on the top of your head or say what you're thinking right now and that always garners a response, at least for my age group though. Maybe I just need to watch the news, travel more or go to people with similar interests.


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## Ded Negatives

God, all the freakin' time.


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## Malek

...


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## inerameia

Yes... it's the most frustrating thing ever


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## visualkeirockstar

That's why i quit being with people.


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## vanilla90

I'm going to start using the words 'disco' as an adjective. E.g. "man, this weather is pure disco". Why? Why not.


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## Ryude

Generally speaking, most people who have SA are above average intelligence. It's this intellect which makes us self aware of others and our own stupidity. So we double-check everything we are about to say, making sure that it always gives us the impression that we desire. Also, most conversations are just uninteresting to us. Given a good conversation, I've talked for 8 hours consecutively. We are not defective, just different.


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## fire mage64

LostGirl said:


> There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring.


If you have no stories to tell you could always comment on the others' stories and ask questions. Conversations aren't just about relating to people through shared experiences although that is a big part of it. You can use your own questions and opinions about their stories to socialize.



Ryude said:


> Generally speaking, most people who have SA are *above average* intelligence. It's this intellect which makes us self aware of others and *our own stupidity*. So we double-check *everything *we are about to say, making sure that it always gives us the impression that we desire.


I don't think its rational to think that you have this "stupidity" to be aware of in the first place. When you say that it seems as if you are downplay ing your self-worth. Also, I don't agree that having a certain disorder such as SA somehow makes us smarter than other people. Double checking _everything _you say isn't necessary unless you are discussing a serious topic that others are sensitive to (for example relative who has passed away, or asking new people you just met their political or religious religious views).


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## Denwil24

one of the worst feelings, then the worst question ever comes up. Why are you so quiet?


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## Dreamer1217

*I know the feeling*

Your post really brings back memories of when I was younger. I was always the quiet one in the group. I would always get the "Why are you always so quiet?" or "Are you ok?" It would always bother me a lot. I still get that sometimes now that I'm older but not as much. I'm a very quiet person I keep to myself and I never know what to say. Sometimes people have even told me that I to come off as stuck up and snobby. This is not the case at all. Some people assume that because I'm quiet that I feel like I'm too good to talk to them. This is definitely not the case I always feel awkward and nervous around people. I just don't know what to say. I know I need to work on this.


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## The Misery Chick

All day, every day.


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## Canadiangirl86

Every single day. It's a vicious cycle for me...having nothing to say causes extreme anxiety which causes me to avoid social situations which makes me even more anxious when I have to be in them which causes my mind to go blank. Worst feeling ever.


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## RelinquishedHell

Yup. I usually have nothing to say and I don't really know how to talk to people. I'm okay with it now though. I don't really think I want friends anymore.


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## map1broker

*I can relate*

Yes, I feel like that quite often. Everyone seems to be engaged in conversation with each other or different people and I don't seem to be able to get past greetings and a few seconds of small talk. Because I have made a lot of changes in my life, It is hard to talk to people in my current circles about my past. My challenge now I am realizing that when I am like this I may in the wrong crowd. I have to find a crowd that has similar interest, similar upbringing, etc. There are circles that I am very comfortable and can be the life of the party and other circles where I am the fly on wall feeling like if anyone notices me I'll get swatted with, "why are you so quiet." YUK


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## theguru416

*similar*

I agree, I often feel I have nothing to say. Sometimes I think people dont want to be around me because its ackward. Although I dont mind when people ask why im so quiet. Im shy, maybe a little too shy, but I dont let that bother me. I think someone earlier raised a great point about silent pauses, these always bother me, it makes me feel on the spot to get a conversation going.


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## visualkeirockstar

Yes and whatever if i do have something to say its crap coming out of my mouth so i don't say it.


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## mcmuffinme

Lately I often can't be bothered to try and think of anything to say. I feel crippled with anxiety, and I just let it win. It's like I'd rather admit defeat instead of try and fail again. I'm so sick of trying, and getting so little in return. Is that what life is? Is that what MY life is? Am I a joke to everyone I speak to? Is that why every time I stick my neck out there and participate people seem to have little to say in return and look at me like I disgust them? Is it really all just in my mind?

I'm just really sick of this problem.


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## Nunuc

I have never anything interesting to say, just lots of garbage.


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## Steinerz




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## capcar

It really depends on the subject.

Politics or tech I usually can talk about almost endlessly. Other subjects are really hit and miss.


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## Kalliber

no for me never.. I always talk a lot random.. even with sa i can keep myself good xD


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## UhOhhh

I think what people need to realise is people like to exaggerate their stories. You may think that they look so much more interesting than you are, but they really aren't. I also have trouble holding a conversation with people, and it's 100% because I think about it waaaay too much and freeze up. Even after 1 drink I completely relax and the real me comes out and all the stories I was worried about not sounding interesting come out as natural as anyone elses. 

If only I could carry that mindset over to when I'm not drunk....


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## Social Anxiety Institute

Hey LostGirl,

I can definitely relate to your post, and I think almost everyone with social anxiety can relate to it to some degree.

I used to feel the same way, as if I was missing out on so many life experiences and happy times because of my social anxiety, and then in turn I couldn't share stories with others when they asked me about my life.

I think it's helpful though, instead of focusing on the negatives like this, to find anything positive and nice about yourself right now, and focus your attention on that.

We all need to remember that there's nothing really wrong with US, and individuals. There is a thriving, real personality that we all have, and we are all worthy human beings just like anyone else, the only real problem is that our minds have been hijacked by social anxiety.

It's not our fault that we have social anxiety though, so getting down on ourselves for having it or beating ourselves up won't get us ANYWHERE. I tried beating myself up and thinking that doing so would lead me to a conclusion or that I would get so angry I would eventually just "snap out of it," but my anger and self-pity / blame only made my social anxiety worse.

It's only when I started to love myself, and look at and focus on all the positive qualities and skills I did have, that I could start to see myself more objectively, and start breaking away from the vicious negative thinking cycles that are at the root of our social anxiety.

So if I had to give you any advice, please don't beat yourself up, just love yourself, focus on the positive parts of yourself, and getting appropriate therapy for SA is the direction to go. You COULD experience all that you wanted in life, and have a lot more life experiences, and therefore have much more to offer in conversations, if only social anxiety was a thing of the past... so I think it's best to go in this direction.

Don't fight fire with fire or more negativity, it never works. Switch to your positive emotions, the good things about yourself, and learn to love yourself while getting the appropriate therapy, and then you can live the kind of life you really want to. I know it may be hard to believe at first, but if you keep going step by step and getting approriate CBT therapy, I think you can live a much more fulfilling life.

- Justin


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## CWe

I feel all you on this one! it sucks so much and makes me anxious alot. Grrrrrr!

How do you fix it?


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## XnatashaX

Yes, I hate it. Most times I have nothing to say. When I do have something to say, nothing comes out. When something does come out, it sounds dull and awkward. I just don't bother anymore.


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## Dazzle

LostGirl said:


> One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.
> 
> It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.
> 
> I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there.
> And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.
> 
> Anyone else feel that?


I know exactly what you mean. People always asked me why am I so quiet but even when I try to think of something to say my mind remains blank; I always just sit an listen.


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## Mustafa

I sometimes have nothing to say even online.


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## altghost

Somehow it's a double edged sword-- people used to ask me, 'why don't you talk more?'. But being quiet also makes you mysterious-- once I started opening my mouth, I feel more alone and silent than ever because people stop taking even the slightest interest in me. Makes me feel worthless


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## c222

Yes. I dont have anything to say and idc anymore..its so hard. I just seem stuckup , oh well.


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## seldom is the sea

"Peoples are strange!

The things they are doing and saying--sometimes they make no sense. Did their brains fall out of their heads? And why so much saying, so much talking all the time day and night, all those words spilling out of those mouths? Why so much? Why don't they be quiet?"

-- Sharon Creech, _The Unfinished Angel_


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## Raeden

I don't have anything to say because I don't really do anything.


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## handsup

I always feel like that buddy.


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## opencurtin

snowfly said:


> I'm always quiet around people I don't know. Then it's like that's who I become, the quiet girl who never talks, and if I have something to say I'll keep it to myself because talking would be so out of character.


The problem with SA is youve avoided all the things in life that others may have expeirenced , im only catching up now in the last 10 years , i GUEES we have to accept our selves and try to make new experiences in life each day is a new start never tell your self that you can make things happen even small steps move you forward , SA is a ***** I know ive had it since my teens , but the only thing that works is fighting the good fight , life is hard but its a fight worth fighting dont ever think that you our alone you are not , be happy with small graces like your health use what talents you have and build on them to give you confidence what ever they may be , find your own company that you fell happy in and always smile when your down .


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## IllmaticJJ

you have to do stuff, have lots of hobbies, etc to have a lot to talk about. and then on top of that, it has to be things that other people are interested in learning or talking about


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## Darktower776

In the past I felt this way, OP, but when I force myself to come out of my shell it seems finding things to talk about really isn't that hard. At least for me. Now I still have the occasional problem talking to certain people or in group situations, but I've gotten a lot better at this recently.


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## fractured

It's difficult to talk with people that you don't share interests with, i often feel the same way that you described. I think it's important to listen to them and ask questions to keep the conversation going, also keep the the subject broad, try talking about the weather or an event that just happened. It's ok to be quiet, small talk makes up most conversations anyways, you'll probably find it easier to talk about something if you're passionate about it and you can find more stuff you like by trying new things.


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## RelinquishedHell

Yes, pretty often. I get blank minded a lot when talking to people. During this time, I open my mouth and just allow whatever too come out of it. The hope is that it will be interesting enough to renew the conversation.

Usually, it just comes out as reiterated generic crap though.


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## marmaladeontoast

I completely relate to this.

For me I feel as though I don't have an identity atm. Like I don't have opinions on anything, I have nothing interesting to say to people and I have an awful negative inner voice that seems to have moved into my head permanently!

It largely stems from the fact that I don't/never have had close friends - people that I can talk to easily and open up to. I don't think I've ever opened up to anyone (apart from family) and to be honest there's not much to open as I have come to realise that I really am a pretty boring person. I need to change...:blank


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## ByMyself19

It's amazing how much I can relate to your description..This is exactly how I feel about myself..It's not all about my shyness..my mind go blank whenever I'm in a group of people..I simply don't know how to express my feelings and I just I have nothing to share with them..They go to parties,trips,hang outs with friends, enjoy life while I do nothing..


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## dontfeelikeit

Wow, I'm the same except I'm male. But you know what, since we are pretty much the same and understand each other. We can start talking to each other. At least we can "forgive" one another for pauses, or if we genuinely have nothing to contribute during such.


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## dontfeelikeit

Also another thing I want to add.. You know how when you contemplate amongst yourself. Your voice for those thoughts are "loud" in a sense. But when confronted in a social scenario, you freeze up and can't act upon your contemplation voice.


----------



## Corey994

With groups its easier because other people can carry the conversation but one on one conversations suck because theres only so much to say to that person. Why would you have issues talking in a group... after all you probably know at least one of them.


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## minimized

Wow 2009.

And I still have nothing to say. That's the problem. There's just nothing there.


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## CiciRomance

I feel the exact same way, but only with certain people and groups of people. Other people I'm fine talking to and I have no idea why. I try to fake it but it doesn't help. There's still always that one kid at work that calls me quiet. And to make matters worse he stereotypes me saying I'm going to kill everyone one day.


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## pmahones

Duuuuuuude I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have been through this COUNTless times in the past. The first time it happens you think there is something wrong... then it happens again.... and again.......... and again. You start wondering... is there something wrong with me? Here is the thing... Everybody goes through this and some people deal with it differently. There are certain people who will literally say anything cause they want to socialize. I know deep down we all WANT to socialize, you are just a lot more articulate as to when you come out. You could be the guy that is talking and everyone is listening to. It might take something you really care to talk about, but who cares? Nobody is always 100% sure of everything they are saying. Some people are just more willing to talk... you will find your time you just have to keep trying and working at it man. It's literally the same things as anything else you do in life. Stay on the spiral keep growing.


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## Invisiblehandicap

Yep all the time


----------



## youcantseeme

Argh it's frustrating! I wish more introverts would appear in group conversations so I don't feel like i'm the only one not saying anything. Everywhere I go, I feel like I'm the most quiet person there.


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## HenDoggy

CiciRomance said:


> I feel the exact same way, but only with certain people and groups of people. Other people I'm fine talking to and I have no idea why. I try to fake it but it doesn't help. There's still always that one kid at work that calls me quiet. And to make matters worse he stereotypes me saying I'm going to kill everyone one day.


you should of said, "I'll start with you first." >


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## Silent Image

Just about all the time


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## CiciRomance

HenDoggy said:


> you should of said, "I'll start with you first." >


Haha! That's great! Can't wait to use it next time >


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