# How Important Is Equality Of Intelligence?



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

I could use some advice.

I have a friend who has had feelings for me for quite some time. She is sweet, loyal, very pretty (not essential but definitely a bonus!) and accepts me totally as I am. I like the idea of trying to date her, I know she is willing, but there's one problem- she isn't as intellectual as I would hope for in a partner. I know that makes me sound very conceited, and I'm not saying she's stupid (she's not) or that I'm a genius (I'm not), but these things are important to me.

Her tastes are also a lot more mainstream than mine. I like indie music, foreign films and "difficult" literature, and she just...doesn't.

However, I have a number of friends and family members who meet these conversational and recreational needs so I'm wondering, if I can meet these needs elsewhere, is it essential that a partner possesses these character traits, or is it enough that she is kind, accepting etc.

Dilemma!

Thoughts?


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

I don't think IQ is terribly important. I've met two Mensa members in my life and neither one struck me as all that smart. I didn't know they belonged to Mensa till well after meeting them and I sure wouldn't have guessed given some of the stupid stuff they did.

I have a brother 20 years my senior who has more education that just about anybody you'll ever meet, yet he doesn't strike me as real bright either with some of the stupid ideas he dreams up. He's seriously lacking in common sense.



pyramidsong said:


> She is sweet, loyal, very pretty (not essential but definitely a bonus!) and accepts me totally as I am.


So she has a hell of a lot going for her, but she's not perfect. Are you perfect? What are the odds of you finding someone superior? What are the odds of you kicking yourself in the *** later if you let her get away?



pyramidsong said:


> Her tastes are also a lot more mainstream than mine. I like indie music, foreign films and "difficult" literature, and she just...doesn't.


I couldn't even name a single indie band nor song. I can't stand foreign films and I'm never going to read War And Peace. Different people have different interests. I don't think anybody is realistically likely to find a partner that's a 100% match. Perhaps it's reasonable to accept a partner who's quite good instead of searching for & never finding the theoretically perfect partner.



pyramidsong said:


> However, I have a number of friends and family members who meet these conversational and recreational needs...


So you can use them for those needs. Isn't this similar to the stereotypical male who likes to drink beer while watching football, basketball, and NASCAR, things most women couldn't care less about. (I don't care about sports either.) So they watch sports & drink beer with their buddies instead of their wife or GF.

Unless there were a stunning difference in intelligence I don't think it matters. I don't think a genius and someone borderline retarded would be a good match, but otherwise I don't see it as being very important.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

It's a personal choice. If that's something that you highly value in another person, then don't settle for her.

Personally, I don't care how smart a person is. I'd be more concerned with whether or not we have common interests, etc.


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## jane (Jan 30, 2006)

Intellectualism and intelligence are not the same thing. 
I don't know about in a partner, but I have a friend who is not intellectual. She doesn't read (beyond Harry Potter), and likes blockbuster films and top-40 music. She is, however, witty, perceptive, quick to spot absurdities and inconsistancies, and is, in short, very intelligent. Though I am much, much, much more pretentious and can contribute to conservations about politics and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, she is definitely my equal if not my superior.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

Personally, I think it is a lot to put on someone to think they need to meet your every need. I think that is why, as you have pointed out, you have your friends and family for also. You may have a really hard time finding someone you allow yourself to be with if they have to fit very specific standards. I think everyone needs standards, don't get me wrong, but you can't expect one person to be your absolute everything. However if the intelligence factor is something that will grate on your nerves nearly daily, then it is in your best interest and hers that you find someone with higher intelligence.

If you can't love and accept someone for _everything_ they are, then you'd be doing them a service to let them find someone who will.


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## HoboQueen (Jan 25, 2008)

Keep her around until you find someone smarter.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

i don't think you should have those high expectations that she should meet your every need. it sounds like she already has a lot of qualities that you desire, and if you get along with her and enjoy her company i don't think you should let those traits she lacks stop you from dating her. i think you should go for it.

i can understand what you mean though.. not that i get many oppurtunities, but i have a tendancy to cancel someone out when they have bad tastes in music. when i think about it it sounds quite shallow. i don't need to have the same tastes as someone to have them as a friend or boyfriend.. although it would be awesome to be with someone who was also a radiohead fan, for example, heh.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

pyramidsong said:


> I could use some advice.
> 
> I have a friend who has had feelings for me for quite some time. She is sweet, loyal, very pretty (not essential but definitely a bonus!) and accepts me totally as I am. I like the idea of trying to date her, I know she is willing, but there's one problem- she isn't as intellectual as I would hope for in a partner. I know that makes me sound very conceited, and I'm not saying she's stupid (she's not) or that I'm a genius (I'm not), but these things are important to me.
> 
> ...


I would agree with the comments about the difference between intellectualism and intelligence. They are correlated with each other, but they don't always go hand-in-hand. The word "intellectual" has a sort of negative connotation to it, as if the person is arrogant or something. I think that's too bad though, because I generally like people who could be classified as intellectuals (and I don't think it necessitates arrogance).

I'm more interested in someone with intellectual curiosity and intellectual open-mindedness than someone who gets the top grades and/or scores highest in an IQ test.

Again, there might often be a correlation between intelligence and intellectual curiosity, but not always.

I have a friend who sounds somewhat similar to the person you describe, pyramidsong. She was always a below average student, and she doesn't always follow the complexity of something I might say, but she still has a strong intellectual curiosity. In addition, she accepts me for who I am and is very open-minded and VERY nice. I'd say this makes her quite attractive, even if her IQ scores wouldn't be extraordinarily high.

I'd say if you enjoy your time with her, go for it.


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## morningmud (Jan 17, 2008)

I say go for it. Ya never know how well you would be together if ya don't try. What if you missed out on your soulmate?


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## Prism (Dec 17, 2004)

I don't put too much stock into the IQ type of intelligence as I believe that there are many types of intelligence. However, if you don't find the person that interesting to talk to though, I don't know if it's a good idea to pursue a romantic relationship. I suppose it's possible you could get bored if she isn't stimulating enough.


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## Dudleyville (Mar 25, 2007)

Yeah I have seen episodes of "Blind Date" where there is a long period of total silence because the 2 people out on the date have nothing in common or have nothing to talk about with each other because they are total opposites in the way they lead their lives and have nothing to communicate with each other on.


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## Silverwater (Dec 2, 2007)

Are you trying to marry her? Not yet, right? Thus, if I were you, I wouldn't make my standards so high just yet. I think it's fun and a great learning experience to go out with different people. Besides, "trying out" different people is one of the ways to determine what you really "need" in your significant other. 

That said, "intelligence", whether that be in the form of IQ, exposure to other cultures, or simple common sense, is one of the qualities that two people can have in common. For some, it's important but for others, it may not be. It depends on you really.


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

Basically, intelligence doesn't matter as long as they're everything you mentioned, but if you have a problem with it, don't lower your standards.


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## jugador409 (Nov 29, 2003)

pyramidsong said:


> is it essential that a partner possesses these character traits, or is it enough that she is kind, accepting etc.


I think it all depends. If you like her and ejoy spending time with her then I would say go for it. You'll probably find other things you can share. And if it doesn't work out, at least you'll learn from the experience.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

pyramidsong said:


> I could use some advice.
> 
> She is sweet, loyal, very pretty (not essential but definitely a bonus!) and accepts me totally as I am. I like the idea of trying to date her, I know she is willing, but there's one problem- she isn't as intellectual as I would hope for in a partner.


Intellectual is seemingly a very broad term to be using. You mean like 'truly deep thinking' or just studious in general?

Also, as for being intellectual, unfortunately I have spotted some level of contradiction in that the first sentence you write about her negates the second (if you think about it).

All I mean to say is that if she accepts you for who you are and you she then there really shouldn't be any other issues.. Just go for it imho.


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## Ambivert (Jan 16, 2010)

All that matters is being able to talk to her for any amount of time and to feel happy and fulfilled after talking to her, like you both have chemistry together. You should feel enriched not impoverished after talking to your partner

If you can't fulfill that basic criteria the relationship might be in jeopardy


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I used to think about this differently but...

I forgot the quote, but I think Edison said that intelligence is 1% inheritance and the rest is 99% work. What that says to me is that we are all capable of being intelligent toward a certain aspect of life, but it is what we focus on and work at in which we are dubbed to be "intelligent" at. So if you put your focus mainly on emotional realms, then more than likely your going to be more knowledgeable about that subject, compared to someone who puts on their attention on pot. Does that make them less intelligent? No. It means they haven't put forth the same energy as you have, which isn't to say they still can't learn—they just need to put that energy into it.

In other words, some people look stupid and act stupid but they just are focused on other things. You may think someone is stupid because they never went to school. I believe, in general, there may be more developed brains than others, but ultimately the human race is relatively intelligent people. Some just seem stupid, and some may just may as well be stupid (unlikely unless mentally handicapped, which I wouldn't call stupid because it is mean lol), but most are focused on other things and/or can care less. Make sense?

So, to your post, I would say, how important is someone's understanding?


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Hehe, this thread is two years old, guys. 

Turns out the disparity was too great. She's a lovely person, but I found our conversations so dull it became a problem, and I was impatient with her, which isn't fair. We don't hang out any more, but last I heard she'd met someone and is happy, so that's good.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

pyramidsong said:


> Hehe, this thread is two years old, guys.
> 
> Turns out the disparity was too great. She's a lovely person, but I found our conversations so dull it became a problem, and I was impatient with her, which isn't fair. We don't hang out any more, but last I heard she'd met someone and is happy, so that's good.


Wow, I didn't even know you could bring up a thread this old? I thought you coudln't bring anything past the changing of this site from the older one?


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

It's just as important to me as any other trait I would want in a mate. I don't think it's enough to substitute what's missing in a partner through others. 

As my romantic relationship wuold be the most important one to me, it's important to have those traits i most desire in a mate, actually present.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I think I can provide a unique perspective on this. With my relationships, other factors always proved much more important than the _g_ one. I have had several with a diverse range of people. One long-term relationship was with someone doing postgrad research in physics and another relationship was with someone with both learning problems and low average intellectual ability.

The latter relationship was more successful. I got frustrated at times when I had to keep writing letters and solving simple problems on my partner's behalf, but that was mostly because I don't like unexpected interruptions to my activities. However, I had more intellectual conversations with this partner than the PhD one (or anyone else at university) because the latter was generally disinterested in my presence and not a nice person. The former's relatively low g certainly did not prevent important insights to problems. Other abilities and personality made this partner far more functional than either me or the other partner mentioned.

My conditions mean my daily functioning is that of what would be expected of someone who is intellectually disabled (with those who have mild intellectual disability being more functional). I cannot figure out how to feed myself much of the time, for example. I also (mostly) have less conversational ability than a primary school child, cannot follow group conversations or what's going on around me (constantly spacing out, staring at a light fitting or something), and cannot drive or (currently) work. These problems are not related to intellect but can make it appear so; I have previously been mistaken for intellectually challenged and/or a non-English speaker (many times).

I generally do not get on well with intellectual types (or any types, really) on an interpersonal level, which is unfortunate considering the profession I entered, and they do not know what to make of me. Even in their own homes, they are generally sane, polite, and articulate, whereas I speak in neologisms or like Yoda (substituting pronouns and reversing phrases), flap around and rock like a lunatic, and spend most of the time spaced-out in my own world, not talking or noticing what's occurring in the social environment.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

Well,for me I think it's kind of important.He doesn't have to be an academic,but I couldn't be with someone I found stupid.
My experience in the relationships that I've had is that this is what's missing.The guys I've been with aren't able to keep up with me and they aren't interested in what I'm talking about.
I think it's important to have someone to talk about both deeper things,but also superficial crap.When people only talk about superficial crap I get bored.

I'm not super intelligent or anything,but I am interested in various topics and critical thinking..I don't have any friends or anything where I can talk about these things so that's probably why I seek that in a guy..
I don't want us to be just lovers,I want someone who can be a friend and challenge me as well..


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I'm an academic, and so intelligence is very important. Looks and intelligence are both huge turn ons for me. But it has to be a particular kind of intelligence. I prefer someone who has an understanding of philosophy, language, and art (these are what I study, after all). And so, since most of my seminars are mostly composed of intelligent women (10 of the 12 people in my seminars with be women, many of them very good looking too), I tend to hyperventilate in class sometimes.

I have a friend who is absolutely vacuous, who doesn't speak English properly, can't construct an argument or understand a complex argument well, and can't really speak of anything at length save herself and what happened the last time she went to this or that bar and met some guy. She isn't even physically attractive either. So she really just absolutely repulses me. Yet, she's very outgoing, social, and initiates conversations with guys, so she gets a lot of attention from guys.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

it would bother me, but try seeing if she's open minded to your interests?


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

There is a difference between having intelligence and being rational. My girlfriend is involved with all of these local people that do non-profit, eco-conscious and other kinds of well intentioned work. So many of them are educated, have their masters, have their own business, but they don't know how to do anything. They can't get anything together. They are more about ideas than they are ability. So many people don't even want to get their hands dirty. They either want someone else to do it for them or they are more about the dream then the actual doing. People exist in these worlds, though, and it's often just about the facade, the idea of what they are and what they do, but this is without realizing it. It's the networking, the talking, the saying. They don't necessarily have to do anything. It's not about bull****ting, though. People have good ideas and intentions but they just don't get anything done. I just spent three days doing voluntary work and people don't even know that I do it. Meanwhile, there will be parties, gatherings and fundraisers at some point, especially around the end of the growing season, where people will celebrate what they have done and talk about what they are doing when they have done almost nothing. This is just common, though. All you have to do is have things on paper saying that you are somebody, know enough people, have some kind of certification, have some kind of credibility, and you are set. This is why I don't understand intelligence. It's because there are all kinds of people that I perceive as intelligent involved and they don't do anything. I know this is a bit off-topic but maybe it is somewhat relevant.


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