# Girl asks for an open relationship and her BF breaks up with her on the spot.



## Hideki (Jan 1, 2014)

This is from Reddit. Kinda long.

I [26F] asked my boyfriend [27M] of five years to consider an open relationship. He broke up with me and I'm heartbroken and going insane.

I'm not going to bore you guys with huge blocks of text so here goes. I been with my boyfriend for five years. He's amazing - great job, family and friends love him, intelligent, attractive, supportive, and sex life is great. One of the important points is that we do not fight at all, and he's quite firm about this - he thinks fighting is a waste of time and for children. I learnt that early on in the relationship and realized it's something I've grown to agree with even though I hated it at first - we always sit down, discuss and talk about issues, and are able to reach compromises.

He's very understanding and patient, and never gets so angry that he has to raise his voice. He's also quite traditional in some aspects too (which is good and bad), although I've been able to talk to him and open his mind up about certain things - I know he hates cheaters and I do trust him, and I know he trusts me too - he never ever restricted me or not let me do anything. Because of these things about him, I'm quite confused by how he's acting.

I've been thinking about wanting to have an open relationship for a while, and it would be fair both ways - we would both get to sleep with other people, as long as we were honest with each other about it and it was purely physical. I know he's quite traditional, but it also never seemed like something he would be that against as he's said things like "I have nothing against girls who like to sleep around, as long as they don't pretend they're innocent/good girl etc." However, I'm not going to pretend that he isn't a monogamous type of guy, because he is, I just figured that maybe I could open his mind to something different!

He's very good in bed but I just wanted to have some other experiences - is that really wrong? I love him and it has nothing to do with just purely physical sex. So a few days ago I decided to bring up the topic with opening up our relationship with him. His only answers were are you joking or are you serious? To which I said I was being serious and wanted to know how he felt about it. He then told me that I could sleep with whoever I wanted to sleep with, and to have a nice life. Then he packed some stuff and left (we share an apartment), and I couldn't really stop him.

Since then he has blocked me from calling him, all his social media and won't speak to me. I don't know where he is staying because his friends refuse to talk to me and I've been crying my eyes out for the past few days. He has removed his relationship status from facebook and sent his friend over to get some of his other stuff, who has told me that he would eventually come to get the rest of things but wouldn't tell me anything else. He said that I've done enough damage and he's ashamed that he thought I would end up married with his friend. He also told me that I would be happier and better off if I didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't when I started dating again.

If he said he wasn't comfortable with it I would have been okay with that but he never gave me a chance, he literally just broke up with me for bringing it up and he's never been like this before. I've been going to his workplace but haven't been able to see him and I can't get into the department where he works because you need to have clearance, and the receptionists say that he isn't taking any visits from anybody either.

I love him so much and I've done nothing over the past few days except cry and cry and cry and I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to him and hear his voice, and have him forgive me for being so stupid and tell me everything is going to be okay and talk to me like he usually does but I don't understand how he can act like this and never acted like this before. I don't know what to do and I'm going ******* crazy

The only thing I've been able to get from him is that one of my mutual friends talked to him for a while, but he basically didn't want to talk about it to anybody else. But the friend did ask him if he's really going to throw away five years over something so small, to which my boyfriend apparently said that he's not throwing away anything, he's cutting his losses while he can.

Please help reddit! I really don't know what to do it feels like I'm falling apart - and what's even worse is some of my friends tell me what do you expect etc. .. and the others are there for me but don't know what to do either 

Sorry if some things don't make sense, I'm a mess and everything is just coming out as best as I can write it down... if anybdoy needs to me clear anything up I will.

So did he do the right thing by dumping her? She was basically asking for permission to have sex with other dudes. What guy would be okay with that?


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

It's too long to read the whole thing and I can't be bothered at this point. But the first paragraph was more than enough. I would do the same. If you want to go from an exclusive relationship of years to an open relationship where she wanted to date other guys, it's all over. There is no turning back. It's white or black. I don't do grey. 

Now she is free to do what she wanted: date other guys. No complications. If she regrets it now, then she was an idiot all along. Another reason that would confirm that dumping her *** was the right choice.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

If someone asks for an open relationship they already had one for a while, most guys/girls would do the same thing.


----------



## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

It seems like something you'd have to be on the same page about from the beginning, otherwise you'd risk hurting your partner by bringing it up, like this girl did. Anyone who isn't interested in open relationships would just think "oh, so I'm not good enough?", and that feeling wouldn't go away just because he "declined" her offer.


----------



## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

Woaaahh


----------



## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Monogamy is a dying concept. The trend now is toward more feral sexual tastes.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

It's not very surprising to me.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/emotion...n-and-women-react-differently-cheating-317028



> It turns out, 54 percent of heterosexual men surveyed were more upset about the sexual, physical infidelity than they were about any emotional connection their girlfriend or wife could have made. Only 35 percent of the heterosexual women surveyed were bothered by the sexual infidelity more than the emotional aspect. Younger participants were also much more upset by sexual infidelity than older participants, despite their gender or sexual orientation.


Hope this experience doesn't encourage her to cheat in future relationships. She just needs to find a guy (probably one with higher testosterone levels,) who's on the same page.

I read a similar story on reddit a while back but where the guy had been the one to propose the open relationship. Interestingly initially the girl was really upset about it, but decided she'd give it a try for his sake. In the end he ended up unhappier about it than she was because he wasn't getting an equivalent amount of women as she was able to get men for casual sex. Much fail.


----------



## Kanova (Dec 17, 2012)

Yeah, he did the right thing. That is ****ing bull****. She basically said "Hey, I kind of want to **** other dicks, I hope you are alright with this. But at least you can go with other women also!"

Obviously he didn't want another woman.


----------



## Fooza (Sep 4, 2013)

IF this story is true since you see a lot of made up stories on the net, then it's hard to take this woman seriously, wasting 5 years of a relationship with apparently the 'perfect' guy over other experiences she desires. That will probably just end up to be temporary pleasure and short term. 

At age 26, you'd think people would want to settle down, get married and have children early so that they can enjoy them whilst still being at a fit age.


----------



## caelle (Sep 9, 2008)

He did what was right for him. I would have done the same thing.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Fooza said:


> At age 26, you'd think people would want to settle down, get married and have children early so that they can enjoy them whilst still being at a fit age.


That sounds very particular...


----------



## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I read a similar story on reddit a while back but where the guy had been the one to propose the open relationship. Interestingly initially the girl was really upset about it, but decided she'd give it a try for his sake. In the end he ended up unhappier about it than she was because he wasn't getting an equivalent amount of women as she was able to get men for casual sex. Much fail.


:lol


----------



## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

I couldn't see myself breaking up with someone I've had a good relationship with for 5 years, just because they asked that...No discussion? No nothing? If an open relationship was something they absolutely needed, instead of just asking out of curiosity if it might be something I wanted to try, then I would break up with them.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> She just needs to find a guy (probably one with higher testosterone levels,)


Why?



Persephone The Dread said:


> I read a similar story on reddit a while back but where the guy had been the one to propose the open relationship. Interestingly initially the girl was really upset about it, but decided she'd give it a try for his sake. In the end he ended up unhappier about it than she was because he wasn't getting an equivalent amount of women as she was able to get men for casual sex. Much fail.


Of course. In general, girls can have sex easier than guys. The gender roles.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> In the end he ended up unhappier about it than she was because he wasn't getting an equivalent amount of women as she was able to get men for casual sex. Much fail.


Which would probably always be the case.. Its basically saying that this relationship isn't good enough and sets it up for failure right away.. Few ways it _wouldn't_ fail going that route.


----------



## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

I agree with what's already been posted in here - unless this sort of thing is discussed in the beginning of a relationship, bringing it up is not a good idea. 

Personally, I would be pretty upset about it. But I'm not sure I'd completely throw away a long term relationship over the issue. Maybe for this guy, it was the straw that broke the camels back?


----------



## Aribeth (Jan 14, 2012)

Don't think I can be in a closed relationship. Sounds too strict for me. I hate rules. If I feel like banging someone else, I sure will!


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

sad vlad said:


> Why?


Supposedly higher testosterone is linked to promiscuity, compulsive sexual behaviour, increased sex drive.


----------



## Fooza (Sep 4, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> That sounds very particular...


Sounds very old fashioned, I know.

I can never get my head around why people would want an open relationship if one truly loves someone, seems alien to me.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Supposedly higher testosterone is linked to promiscuity, compulsive sexual behaviour, increased sex drive.


I am not sure about that, but let's assume that is the case. It would mean only promiscuous people want open relationships. I agree with this conclusion.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

sad vlad said:


> I am not sure about that, but let's assume that is the case. It would mean only promiscuous people want open relationships. I agree with this conclusion.


I am not sure about that either, that's just what most studies seem to suggest.

I don't think so necessarily. I think some people who want an open relationship do it for other reasons like if they're bisexual and want to experiment with people of the other gender just sexually, or maybe they have some unusual sexual fetish that their partner doesn't want to try out.


----------



## Fooza (Sep 4, 2013)

Aribeth said:


> Don't think I can be in a closed relationship. Sounds too strict for me. I hate rules. If I feel like banging someone else, I sure will!


How does this work? Isn't it a natural feeling that the more you fall for someone, the more jealous you become of them when it comes to 'sharing'?

I know I'm talking from my own experience and there are some 'loons' out there who swing and don't mind if their partner is shared amongst other people. But I could never ever be okay with it, jealousy would get the best of most I would think.

Isn't that love really? (unless you're talking about flings, then I can understand)


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I don't think so necessarily. I think some people who want an open relationship do it for other reasons like if they're bisexual and *want to experiment with people of the other gender just sexually, or maybe they have some unusual sexual fetish that their partner doesn't want to try out.*


From where I am looking, that description remains very close to the one of promiscuity. If you want to ''experiment'' stuff with other people(no matter the sexual orientation), you should do it without being in a relationship. The only people that would accept it are other promiscuous people and, in some very rare cases, people with very low self esteem and/or very desperate(of course, in both cases, there is not a genuine feeling of love from the one ''experimenting'').


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Fooza said:


> I know I'm talking from my own experience and there are some 'loons' out there who swing and don't mind if their partner is shared amongst other people. But I could never ever be okay with it, jealousy would get the best of most I would think.


They must not really give a ****.. If you loved someone you wouldn't pass them around to some random people to let them get some weird disease or aids or something or possibly just have them decide they liked the other dude much much better and bail on you. People naturally protect something they care about, when you let something just get passed around you really don't have any emotional investment in it at all. Would you get a nice high end car and just let anybody have a spin whenever - think about what kind of condition that would be in after a year or two...


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

sad vlad said:


> From where I am looking, that description remains very close to the one of promiscuity. If you want to ''experiment'' stuff with other people(no matter the sexual orientation), you should do it without being in a relationship. The only people that would accept it are other promiscuous people and, in some very rare cases, people with very low self esteem and/or very desperate. (of course, in both cases, there is not a genuine feeling of love from the one ''experimenting'').


Maybe by some definitions.

Anyway, we're now getting into moral judgement territory and that bores me. I don't really care about other people in this situation or what they do.

English really needs a second person plural pronoun.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> English really needs a second person plural pronoun.


I agree.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

funnynihilist said:


> Monogamy is a dying concept. The trend now is toward more feral sexual tastes.


Don't even get me started with that idea. FERAL, as is REEEOW ffth ffth

Last weekend, I saw a tan cat cornering a darker cat on my deck railing. I mean this darker cat was against the wall and swiping at the tan cat. The tan cat apparently has been hanging out underneath my deck this winter.

This damn cat would not leave the other cat alone - stalking it as the other cat moved along the railing. It got to the corner of the railing along the steps, and the tan cat nearly leaped up to attack.

At that point, I had had enough. I took a roll of insulation padding tape and threw it at them. If it was spring, I'd get a garden hose. They took off the edge of my yard, when all of a sudden, I saw the tan cat MOUNT the darker cat, would was doing something freaky with her back legs. We're talkin' Alley Katz Porno right in front of my eyes!

I chased them out of my yard. I am not having these cats Form Foundations of Feral Feline Families in my back freakin' yard!

Just two hours later, the same tan cat was hanging out around my bushes in the front of my house - I hissed at it and it ran away, I look over to the side of my house and there is ANOTHER black cat trying to follow the tan one into the woods.

My house is a freakin' Cathouse like in Nevada.

Humans are not cats. Kids need a mother and a father who stick around, not like Tan Cat, who probably has like 12 kitties with two different mamas.
SICK!

Monogamy will NEVER go out of style.


----------



## ThatGuy11200 (Sep 3, 2012)

I'd probably do the same thing in his position.

To me it would be like her saying "I'm bored of you, but just in case it doesn't work with other men, I want to use you as a safety net."

I'm a monogomous kinda guy and it would really upset me if the person I was in love with wanted to be with other men. Better for me to have a clean break.


----------



## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

I would have done the same thing as the guy. Not only are you insulting and disrespecting me by saying you want to bang other people, you probably didn't like me to begin with if you crave other people that much. Love is selfish and as other people pointed out, i'm not about to pass my woman around like she's some sort of commodity. I expect the same courtesy in return by default once I enter into a relationship with her. What a load of bull****.


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Good decision by the guy.


----------



## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

I'll date her. Do you have her number?


----------



## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I wouldn't want an open relationship either.


----------



## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

The girl wants the safety of a "stable" relationship while having wild, feral sex with random dudes.
Meanwhile the bf is probably average and if he agreed to this arrangement wouldn't be able to **** nearly as many people as the gf would. The ratio would probably be like 1:20(bf:gf).


----------



## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

lol, good.


----------



## peyandkeele (Dec 5, 2013)

I really dont get the point. Why are u tryin to bang other people when in a relationship already, and a longterm one at that. I honestly dont think this story is real(no offense to the op, but my bs sensor is going off). But if i wanna screw orher people, then you should not be in a relationship. The point of a bf gf relationship is to be "exclusive", theres a reason why the other name for it is "exclusive" or couple meaning 2. These synonyms for relationships dont mean, screw 3 or 4 plus people. They just mean 2.


----------



## beffa (Mar 30, 2014)

makes sense, not really committing to someone if ur looking to do that

also if she said their sex life was great why would it matter


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

fair enough, his decision. can't know how he was feeling before that event though, so maybe not so surprising with more info.

don't think i'd like an open relationship unless polyamory. too weird doing casual and not also loving other people. and i find it too hard to meet people casually. would have to be a complete shift away from the monogamy model. only ever dated one poly before though, hope to try more in the future if current thing doesn't work out.


----------



## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Whats the link to the reddit thread? 

Good for this guy...being able to see the writing on the wall without letting the poon blind him. He just saved himself a bunch of time.


----------



## DistraughtOwl (Mar 1, 2014)

Honestly I would probably do the same and he isn't wrong for wanting a monogamous relationship. Even if he declined and she accepted that and didn't cheat on him. I think it would still be very hard to trust someone after that point. I would feel like I'm not enough for her or something.

I also agree about this being something they should have had a conversation about a LONG LONG time ago. She would avoid the heartbreak and could maybe find a different partner who's into that type of thing. I honestly think open relationships couldn't work and would only cause people to become jealous. It would hurt the relationship and it wouldn't be that stable when both partners are just out having sex with whoever.


__
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1q2vo8

Here is the thread in question.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

LichtLune said:


> Honestly I would probably do the same and he isn't wrong for wanting a monogamous relationship. Even if he declined and she accepted that and didn't cheat on him. I think it would still be very hard to trust someone after that point. I would feel like I'm not enough for her or something.
> 
> I also agree about this being something they should have had a conversation about a LONG LONG time ago. She would avoid the heartbreak and could maybe find a different partner who's into that type of thing. I honestly think open relationships couldn't work and would only cause people to become jealous. It would hurt the relationship and it wouldn't be that stable when both partners are just out having sex with whoever.
> 
> ...


Wow so much aggression inducing psychological projection going on there. Just read some of those responses. Some of them aren't even trying 'if I was him' well you're not dude. Remember how you're not living in the plot of Freaky Friday? Lol.

Lots of moral judgments from the 'any self respecting man' crowd too of course.

I think in their mind space it's as though she had cheated on him too.

Amusing. But predictable.


----------



## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

To be fair, if my bf asked me that, I would respond the exact same way. Buh bye.


----------



## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

They'll get back together in a few weeks time.

(then separate permanently not long after)


----------



## MCHB (Jan 1, 2013)

Wakko sums up my thoughts on an "open relationship" rather nicely!


----------



## Ignopius (Mar 19, 2013)

I have never been put into that kind of situation before but I could imagine being upset especially if I didn't know upfront.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

The guy is right and the girl has no shame. There are not open and closed relationships, relationships are relationships if the girl wants to have a good time out there, she must break up with the guy, if she wants sex with this guy, she must ask for something like "friends with benefits" not a relationship. Why this guy is going to be the idiot who make some commitments while other guys are just banging the chick and having the fun part ?

No ****ing way.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

And in my humble opinion, she is only "heartbroken" because she didnt have it her way. And all the nice stuff she is going to say in her message (which I did not read nor I would because I had enough info with the title) about him (like he is amazing) is just for this guy to see it and feel sorry and come back and accept her proposal.


----------



## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

I agree with him.

Either you're with me or you're not. I don't play, "I love you but Mark at work is sooo hot and I want to bang him." She probably already cheated on him, he likely saw it and said, "**** THIS **** IM OUT."

Good for you guy, good for you.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Sacrieur said:


> I agree with him.
> 
> Either you're with me or you're not. I don't play, "I love you but Mark at work is sooo hot and I want to bang him."


I want you to care about me, give me presents, cuddle with you, have sex, call you when I am feeling bad and need a shoulder to cry on.
But I want Mark's 5 ft dick inside my tight little *** when I am happy.

**** that *****

I am impersonating, not saying it to you, nor anyone, even less Mark with his 5ft dick, lol.


----------



## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

I'd be delighted.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Take my comment from before about reddit now also apply it to this thread.


----------



## River In The Mountain (Jun 6, 2011)

Girl wants cake and to eat it too, and also to eat all the other cakes she saw in the bakery window.


----------



## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Take my comment from before about reddit now also apply it to this thread.


I still dont see why people even talk about this to begin with...
People would just talk about anything as long as it is them who are speaking, thats just amusing.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

River In The Mountain said:


> Girl wants cake and to eat it too, and also to eat all the other cakes she saw in the bakery window.


She will end up with some overweight really soon, and hoping she'd sticked with just one cake.


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Maybe she wanted to break up but didn't want to reject the guy.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

scarpia said:


> Maybe she wanted to break up but didn't want to reject the guy.


That's why she claimed to be heartbroken when he broke up with her? Also, you don't _reject_ someone with whom you've been in a relationship for 5 years, you _dump_ him.


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

sad vlad said:


> That's why she claimed to be heartbroken when he broke up with her? Also, you don't _reject_ someone with whom you've been in a relationship for 5 years, you _dump_ him.


OK she wanted to dump him. And people lie all the time. I'm so sure she was heartbroken.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

scarpia said:


> OK she wanted to dump him. And people lie all the time. I'm so sure she was heartbroken.


I do not lie. Ha!


----------



## yodogsup (Nov 25, 2014)

I remember reading this awhile ago.

Notice how all the women in this thread are on the girl's side.
Big surprise lol.
Man sometimes I'm glad I can't date. Imagine putting up with this emotional bull**** after 5 years


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

sad vlad said:


> I do not lie. Ha!


I lie all the time. I'm even lying now.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

scarpia said:


> I lie all the time. I'm even lying now.


Good thing you can still trust yourself.


----------



## River In The Mountain (Jun 6, 2011)

yodogsup said:


> I remember reading this awhile ago.
> 
> Notice how all the women in this thread are on the girl's side.
> Big surprise lol.
> Man sometimes I'm glad I can't date. Imagine putting up with this emotional bull**** after 5 years


No, not all. Don't generalize.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

yodogsup said:


> I remember reading this awhile ago.
> 
> Notice how all the women in this thread are on the girl's side.
> Big surprise lol.
> Man sometimes I'm glad I can't date. Imagine putting up with this emotional bull**** after 5 years


I'm not on anyone's side, because it's retarded to take sides in this. Which is what I'm repeatedly pointing out. He did what he thought was right for him - good for him, who gives a **** about anything else? Oh right, everyone in this thread lmao.

That being said, plenty of women have condemned her actions in this thread. So no idea what you're talking about.


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

sad vlad said:


> Good thing you can still trust yourself.


I don't trust ANYONE - not even myself.


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

scarpia said:


> I don't trust ANYONE - not even myself.


That's sad.:|


----------



## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> who gives a **** about anything else? Oh right, everyone in this thread lmao.


It is weird to weigh in and judge on the lives of complete strangers, they're not even forum members this was posted off reddit. I don't understand what we're supposed to be doing in this thread.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Shameful said:


> It is weird to weigh in and judge on the lives of complete strangers, they're not even forum members this was posted off reddit. I don't understand what we're supposed to be doing in this thread.


It is kind of pointless, especially when you consider that it is a year old reddit post. Could be interesting from a 'what would you do?' perspective but at the same time, it just attracts posts like this:



sajs said:


> *The guy is right and the girl has no shame.* *There are not open and closed relationships, relationships are relationships if the girl wants to have a good time out there, she must break up with the guy*, if she wants sex with this guy, she must ask for something like "friends with benefits" not a relationship. Why this guy is going to be the idiot who make some commitments *while other guys are just banging the chick and having the fun part ?*
> 
> No ****ing way.





sajs said:


> And in my humble opinion, she is only "heartbroken" because she didnt have it her way. And all the nice stuff she is going to say in her message (which I did not read nor I would because I had enough info with the title) about him (like he is amazing) is just for this guy to see it and feel sorry and come back and accept her proposal.





Sacrieur said:


> I agree with him.
> 
> Either you're with me or you're not. I don't play, "I love you but Mark at work is sooo hot and I want to bang him." *She probably already cheated on him, *he likely saw it and said, "**** THIS **** IM OUT."
> 
> *Good for you guy, good for you.*





knightofdespair said:


> *They must not really give a *****.. *If you loved someone you wouldn't pass them around to some random people * to let them get some weird disease or aids or something or possibly just have them decide they liked the other dude much much better and bail on you. People naturally protect something they care about, when you let something just get passed around you really don't have any emotional investment in it at all. Would you get a nice high end car and just let anybody have a spin whenever - think about what kind of condition that would be in after a year or two...


You know? To be blunt, it:

1. turns into a bit of a circle jerk.

2. Becomes filled with people attempting to demonise the person they disagree with as much as possible, making assumptions about how she felt/her motives/even her behaviour instead of just saying something like 'this would have hurt me/I feel sorry for him fullstop' they go ott because their sympathy manifests as moral outrage and anger.

3. People claiming that they know best and trying to project that onto everyone when really, if he'd been the kind of guy who was open to an open relationship, this would be perfectly fine. From any reasonable point of view.


----------



## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

I'm kind of baffled by the conservative, outraged responses here. Some people do have open relationships. I don't know much about them, but I'm guessing they're the types with high sex drives, who crave novelty, and don't experience feelings like possessiveness or jealousy with much intensity. How do open relationships start in the first place? One partner would obviously have to bring up the subject with the other at some point. And who is anyone outside that relationship to judge another couple's consensual sex life? It's just a pity her partner was so offended by the question (though I can also understand that too). I hope he at least eventually calms down enough to have a conversation with her and figure out where she's coming from. It looks like they have such different relationship needs that they'll have to break up anyway though.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Persephone The Dread said:


> It is kind of pointless, especially when you consider that it is a year old reddit post. Could be interesting from a 'what would you do?' perspective but at the same time, it just attracts posts like this:
> 
> You know? To be blunt, it:
> 
> ...


4 - Becomes filled trying to analyze other posters opinions instead of just saying something like "Go girl" ,"I support the woman", etc

So to be fair you say it is pointless trying to think about this issue because it is old and blah blah. First of all because it is an old reddit post it does not mean that this kind of stuff STOPPED after this post and they were the last couple in the universe to have to deal with such a thing. So the one who is focusing on the people involved and not the concept is YOU. Of course one should refer to these people because making a X and Y general comment isn't quite right, so you can manage to refer to these two individuals while pushing a general opinion on such a topic.

Second of all, you are the one of commenting about posters rather than discussing the topic. You are not even saying you do not agree, just saying that discussing it is pointless.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

scarpia said:


> I don't trust ANYONE - not even myself.


Agent Mulder, is that you ?


----------



## Squirrelevant (Jul 27, 2008)

I find myself feeling sorry for both of them.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

sajs said:


> 4 - Becomes filled trying to analyze other posters opinions instead of just saying something like "Go girl" ,"I support the woman", etc
> 
> So to be fair you say it is pointless trying to think about this issue because it is old and blah blah. First of all because it is an old reddit post it does not mean that this kind of stuff STOPPED after this post and they were the last couple in the universe to have to deal with such a thing. So the one who is focusing on the people involved and not the concept is YOU. Of course one should refer to these people because making a X and Y general comment isn't quite right, so you can manage to refer to these two individuals while pushing a general opinion on such a topic.
> 
> Second of all, you are the one of commenting about posters rather than discussing the topic. You are not even saying you do not agree, just saying that discussing it is pointless.


Well it is kind of pointless, but that wasn't the problem I had with your or anyone else's posts, obviously I engage in pointless behaviour all the time. That was just as an aside since Shameful asked what the point was.

Also your first point doesn't really make sense to me... What do you mean by 'becomes filled?' and I don't 'support the woman' as I already said in this thread... This isn't a football game. They were unfortunately incompatible.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Well it is kind of pointless, but that wasn't the problem I had with your or anyone else's posts, obviously I engage in pointless behaviour all the time. That was just as an aside since Shameful asked what the point was.


Oh, but the opinion is yours, lol.

Anyway she is always asking, no point in weigh in and judge on the lives of complete strangers but she also makes posts about "why people do this or that", "if only older guys hit on me its because i am not cute?" ..

Well, all those people are strangers to me too. Anyway, I just do not understand people here trying to set what is worthy or not for discussion, when I see a thread I am not interested in I just dont say anything ... but maybe I am wrong and too weird ...


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

sajs said:


> Well, all those people are strangers to me too. Anyway, I just do not understand people here trying to set what is worthy or not for discussion, when I see a thread I am not interested in I just dont say anything ... but maybe I am wrong and too weird ...


OK... So again, it's not really about 'what is worthy of discussion' my irritation is quite clearly with the contents of people's posts. And I said why before.


----------



## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Persephone The Dread said:


> OK... So again, it's not really about 'what is worthy of discussion' my irritation is quite clearly with the contents of people's posts. And I said why before.


Oh, I though that post should go in the "Posters comment on the Girl asks for open relationship and her bf breaks up with her on the spot" thread :lol.

Anyway, its ok.


----------



## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

She got what she wanted. Why is she crying?


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I love how judgmental everyone is. :lol

I could turn it around and ask people why they're so insecure and emotionally fragile and wonder why they're incapable of loving more than one person at a time, or loving their partner so completely they take pleasure in helping them satisfy their fantasies.

But I won't.


----------



## LonelyHikikomori (Feb 8, 2015)

I don't think asking if he'd be open to trying out an open relationship necessarily means she's going to **** other guys anyway regardless of what he says. Having in interest in experimentation doesn't mean she's going to trash the relationship to do so if the opportunity presents itself. It'd be worse if she had said she'd only remain in the relationship with him if it were an open one. Maybe she would have cheated anyway if he declined the offer but remained in a relationship with her. There's no way for us to judge that. You guys seem to be extrapolating the fact that some women might cheat in this situation to mean that all of them would. Not everybody is the same. 

Also, an open relationship isn't all about the ratio of partners, as some of you seem to be convinced of. It is possible for two people to love eachother very deeply and be okay with them having sex with other people. If you feel jealousy so strongly then obviously it isn't for you, but it doesn't mean that they don't love eachother. They just view love differently than you do.


----------



## Resonance (Feb 11, 2010)

diamondheart89 said:


> To be fair, if my bf asked me that, I would respond the exact same way. Buh bye.


But think of all the upsides!


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

LonelyHikikomori said:


> Also, an open relationship isn't all about the ratio of partners, as some of you seem to be convinced of. It is possible for two people to love eachother very deeply and be okay with them having sex with other people. If you feel jealousy so strongly then obviously it isn't for you, but it doesn't mean that they don't love eachother. They just view love differently than you do.


I just don't buy that... I could see it not being obviously false for a few years, but something tells me 10/20 years of watching someone bang your 'wife' and you pursuing a dozen other women or more, there is not really that same level of connection and trust that you would have in a monogamous relationship. When that person dies or decides to leave, what was really lost? What did you really gain from them being around?


----------



## Kind Of (Jun 11, 2014)

Paper Samurai said:


> I agree with what's already been posted in here - unless this sort of thing is discussed in the beginning of a relationship, bringing it up is not a good idea.
> 
> Personally, I would be pretty upset about it. But I'm not sure I'd completely throw away a long term relationship over the issue. Maybe for this guy, it was the straw that broke the camels back?


My opinion is pretty much this. Some people are simply not cut out for open relationships, and it's not fair to wait until five years down the road if you know that's something you want. It can understandably be taken as a lack of commitment to just suddenly decide that you want to change the fundamental structure of a relationship in order to experiment sexually with new people at the point where many are entering monogamous marriages and planning for families. If you simply don't know that you're not comfortable with monogamy that can't be helped and it's an unavoidable conflict. Not even having a discussion is very sudden, though.

I certainly wouldn't leave over the discussion itself, but I would if it was something they'd been sitting on for a long time that was going to cause trouble in an agreed-upon monogamous relationship.


----------



## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> 2. Becomes filled with people attempting to demonise the person they disagree with as much as possible, making assumptions about how she felt/her motives/even her behaviour instead of just saying something like 'this would have hurt me/I feel sorry for him fullstop' they go ott because their sympathy manifests as moral outrage and anger.


Feel sorry for him? I don't, I'm happy that he got rid of her.

It's written from her perspective so I take that into account in my assumption that she cheated. Why else would he just up and leave her for merely opening the suggestion? He's just such an amazing guy and understanding and talks things out but he just ups and leaves because she mentions an open relationship? I don't buy it and neither should you; it smells real fishy.

Someone is lying and there's only one person telling the tale.


----------



## Squirrelevant (Jul 27, 2008)

Sacrieur said:


> It's written from her perspective so I take that into account in my assumption that she cheated. Why else would he just up and leave her for merely opening the suggestion? He's just such an amazing guy and understanding and talks things out but he just ups and leaves because she mentions an open relationship? I don't buy it and neither should you; it smells real fishy.


Maybe he was just so uncomfortable about such a suggestion that he rashly assumed that she must have been okay with cheating on him, despite having no hard evidence to suggest such a thing...?  That would also make sense to me.

There's no real way to tell from any of this. Could even just be a post made to troll others.


----------



## LonelyHikikomori (Feb 8, 2015)

knightofdespair said:


> I just don't buy that... I could see it not being obviously false for a few years, but something tells me 10/20 years of watching someone bang your 'wife' and you pursuing a dozen other women or more, there is not really that same level of connection and trust that you would have in a monogamous relationship. When that person dies or decides to leave, what was really lost? What did you really gain from them being around?


Of course to have the same level of trust and connection with someone who you are in a polyamorous relationship with. It requires being honest with your partner about the other people you are seeing, and it's pretty easy to do that when your partner is fine with it. For some people, monogamy is not a good option because they are inclined to be promiscuous. They then lie to their significant other about it. Polyamory allows them to have a loving relationship that is robust to their sexual inclinations.

I'm open to both monogamous and polyamorous relationships depending on what my partner prefers because I can emotionally handle either one and I don't want to give up somebody who is an ideal partner for me just because they would prefer a polyamorous relationship, as long as she's willing to be honest with me. It just requires loving without jealousy. I view them both as having their perks, but one of the differences between them is absolutely not a loss of intimacy because the time spent with that person is still as valuable as it would be without the commitment. If you can't do that, that's fine, but you shouldn't diminish the importance of other people's relationships like you did in the last two sentences of your post.


----------



## LonelyHikikomori (Feb 8, 2015)

*Of course it's possible to have the same level...

Sorry for the double post, just had to correct the first sentence in my last post to prevent misunderstanding. I'm posting on no sleep.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

LonelyHikikomori said:


> Of course to have the same level of trust and connection with someone who you are in a polyamorous relationship with. It requires being honest with your partner about the other people you are seeing, and it's pretty easy to do that when your partner is fine with it. For some people, monogamy is not a good option because they are inclined to be promiscuous. They then lie to their significant other about it. Polyamory allows them to have a loving relationship that is robust to their sexual inclinations.
> 
> I'm open to both monogamous and polyamorous relationships depending on what my partner prefers because I can emotionally handle either one and I don't want to give up somebody who is an ideal partner for me just because they would prefer a polyamorous relationship, as long as she's willing to be honest with me. It just requires loving without jealousy. I view them both as having their perks, but one of the differences between them is absolutely not a loss of intimacy because the time spent with that person is still as valuable as it would be without the commitment. If you can't do that, that's fine, but you shouldn't diminish the importance of other people's relationships like you did in the last two sentences of your post.


I still don't buy it. It goes contrary to human nature to screw a dozen women a year and say "Oh no you're the only one that matters to me" to your wife still. If I buy one nice car and drive it around for 20 years exclusively, I'm going to be fully invested in it, I'm going to know what maintenance it needs, I'm going to know the mileage.. I'm going to know how it handles and I'm going to spend a lot more effort to keep it in good shape. If I have a garage with 3 dozen cars then that one car is not going to mean all that much... If I drive it every 6 months and the engine blows up, who cares?


----------



## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

He did the right thing. It might be seen as uptight but that kind of decisive behaviour is good. She wasn't right for him and he moved on.

The girl sounds quite naive. She should have been able to read his character after knowing him that long.


----------



## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

I'm ok with open relationships............... I don't know, I might allow my girl to bang other guys if I could watch. Is that weird?


----------



## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

Kevin001 said:


> I'm ok with open relationships............... I don't know, I might allow my girl to bang other guys if I could watch. Is that weird?


You are probably a swinger type. It isn't weird. It is an alternative lifestyle choice though.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

knightofdespair said:


> I still don't buy it. It goes contrary to human nature to screw a dozen women a year and say "Oh no you're the only one that matters to me" to your wife still. If I buy one nice car and drive it around for 20 years exclusively, I'm going to be fully invested in it, I'm going to know what maintenance it needs, I'm going to know the mileage.. I'm going to know how it handles and I'm going to spend a lot more effort to keep it in good shape. If I have a garage with 3 dozen cars then that one car is not going to mean all that much... If I drive it every 6 months and the engine blows up, who cares?


Wow, that sucks. I have 8 brothers and sisters. It hurts to know that my parents only loved me 1/9th as much as someone who is an only child.

This is an excellent argument for the 1 couple, 1 child policy.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

knightofdespair said:


> I still don't buy it. It goes contrary to human nature to screw a dozen women a year and say "Oh no you're the only one that matters to me" to your wife still. If I buy one nice car and drive it around for 20 years exclusively, I'm going to be fully invested in it, I'm going to know what maintenance it needs, I'm going to know the mileage.. I'm going to know how it handles and I'm going to spend a lot more effort to keep it in good shape. If I have a garage with 3 dozen cars then that one car is not going to mean all that much... If I drive it every 6 months and the engine blows up, who cares?


I chose not to comment on this the first time but do you have to keep on with the car metaphor?


----------



## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

I don't think he handled the breakup well, but it's a valid reason to break up. 

I think open relationships are probably a good idea for a lot of people but if one person wants one and the other doesn't, it's a problem. Otherwise he needs to either accept that his partner is having sex with other people, or doubt whether she's happy with him stopping her.


----------



## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

I wouldn't leave her depending on how she brought it up, it sounds like she was just curious about it but still obviously loved him. If she didn't demand or absolutely crave the need for it, and instead decided to sit down and talk about it with me, I wouldn't leave her.


----------



## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

persona non grata said:


> I don't think he handled the breakup well, but it's a valid reason to break up.
> 
> I think open relationships are probably a good idea for a lot of people but if one person wants one and the other doesn't, it's a problem. Otherwise he needs to either accept that his partner is having sex with other people, or doubt whether she's happy with him stopping her.


What would you want him to do, start crying and pleading, maybe write some melancholy breakup songs and self harm a bit?

I thought that he handled it very well.


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Can certainly understand his reaction and personally I'd never feel like I was adequate with someone if they asked me that and the trust I would have in them never cheating on me would be non-existent. Monogamy may not be completely natural, but you can't really control the pain which exists when you feel like you can't offer everything someone may want in a partner.


----------



## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

Dre12 said:


> What would you want him to do, start crying and pleading, maybe write some melancholy breakup songs and self harm a bit?
> 
> I thought that he handled it very well.


No, in my post that you just quoted I said that this is a valid reason for him to break up with her. Since he's the one doing the breaking up, I can't imagine what he'd be pleading about.

I mean it sounds like he's angry with her, and she didn't do anything wrong. What they want isn't compatible, but she was honest about it. I'm sure the situation is very difficult for him so I'm not trying to be extremely critical, I just think it would be preferable to have a non-hostile conversation with her before parting ways as opposed to suddenly breaking up and refusing any contact whatsoever.


----------



## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

persona non grata said:


> No, in my post that you just quoted I said that this is a valid reason for him to break up with her. Since he's the one doing the breaking up, I can't imagine what he'd be pleading about.
> 
> I mean it sounds like he's angry with her, and she didn't do anything wrong. What they want isn't compatible, but she was honest about it. I'm sure the situation is very difficult for him so I'm not trying to be extremely critical, I just think it would be preferable to have a non-hostile conversation with her before parting ways as opposed to suddenly breaking up and refusing any contact whatsoever.


Yeah, you are probably right. He could have explained to her afterwards in a reasonable manner. Though perhaps he is worried that she might convince him to get back with her.


----------



## Squirrelevant (Jul 27, 2008)

At this stage in my thinking, I'd probably have a really unpleasant reaction to such a suggestion, especially if I didn't see it coming.

I would not have just walked out like that though, especially after 5 years. That just seems cruel. I'd probably want to take some time and get a little distance to process it. Then I'd try discussing it when I had a clearer head. If I felt close enough to my partner (and I'd expect to after 5 years...), I'm pretty sure I'd feel okay enough about just moving on with the relationship as it was before... mostly.

I can see a distinct possibility that I'd end up with an unfortunate, lingering discomfort about it that could potentially be very destructive. As I see it, my discomfort would be due to a character flaw, which I'd like to evolve out of. Maybe I could even accept an open relationship as being desirable in some unforeseen time under some exceedingly unlikely circumstances. Kind of odd to hypothesise about when having any kind of relationship seems unlikely to begin with.


----------



## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

persona non grata said:


> I just think it would be preferable to have a non-hostile conversation with her before parting ways as opposed to suddenly breaking up and refusing any contact whatsoever.


Having a long "end of relationship" conversation with her before parting ways is just delaying the inevitable. You'd have to deal with her crying and trying to change your mind, perhaps throwing a tantrum.

I believe that the best breakups are the quick & clean ones, like the one in the reddit post. Best to make intentions clear and move on as soon as possible to get over your ex.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

truant said:


> Wow, that sucks. I have 8 brothers and sisters. It hurts to know that my parents only loved me 1/9th as much as someone who is an only child.
> 
> This is an excellent argument for the 1 couple, 1 child policy.


Still true to some extent though.. Especially when they are all pretty close in ages.. You're telling me Octomom is going to give the same kind of attention to her 14 kids as a mom with only one?


----------



## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

Open relationship, AKA "let me get as much sex as I can from other people but I still get to come home to you for dinner and security."

That doesn't fly with me. Why would I give someone permission to cheat on me? They just want permission and to label it something else.

That girl is a dog.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I chose not to comment on this the first time but do you have to keep on with the car metaphor?


Seems about as close to compare as I can think of.. It is possible to have a very nice prized car and spend hours every day waxing and maintaining it.. The same as any good relationship you need to be personally invested and spend that time and effort to keep it going. You look at someone like Jay Leno who has dozens and dozens, yeah he likes them but how much time a day do you think he spends personally with each one, how many does he buy and just park there and only look at them every couple of months.. I just don't buy that you can claim to love a woman the same as a guy who is fully committed and adoring of just that one woman, when he's out screwing dozens of others and letting dozens of other guys screw her.. What happens when she comes up to him a year later and says she got AIDs or something similarly nasty from one of the dudes, he's going to dump her on the spot most likely. He doesn't need her the way a guy who's committed would - who may also dump her if she suddenly has AIDs and not from him. That is kind of an extreme example but on the day to day level I just don't think human psychology allows us to love one person like that when they basically mean nothing and offer nothing exclusively.


----------



## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

I would have done the same. That's a pretty clear sign that you don't satisfy them and they don't love you.


----------



## reaffected (Sep 3, 2011)

Personally I think how he reacted was a bit premature and ****ty. I can understand being wounded, upset, or even insecure about the topic. However, I believe it would've been best without the knee-jerk reaction and for him to ask for some space to step back from the relationship and digest what she was wanting to discuss. That, IMHO, is fair to both parties as a relationship takes two people to work. Which is why she brought it up to discuss rather than demand or just go off and cheat like many people do. Him doing that alone would've likely given her the scare or reality check she needed to see that it isn't something that she wanted after all and wasn't worth upsetting or losing him over. Just my opinion though. If a man I was with for five years brought that up I know I would be having some doubts but I would think it over before just reacting. I would definitely be having some questions of my own. I do understand fantasy vs reality and sometimes the fantasy seems appealing but it isn't actually what you want nor will it work in practice.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

knightofdespair said:


> Still true to some extent though.. Especially when they are all pretty close in ages.. You're telling me Octomom is going to give the same kind of attention to her 14 kids as a mom with only one?





RelinquishedHell said:


> I would have done the same. That's a pretty clear sign that you don't satisfy them and they don't love you.


Well, this certainly makes me reconsider wanting to have a lot of friends. That's a clear sign that none of them is satisfying me and that I don't love any of them.

Probably best if I focus all my attention on a single friend. Until I get a relationship, of course, at which point I'll be obligated to sever my ties with my friend. It's sad, of course, but it's really the right thing to do.

I think first I'll cut all my ties with my family, so that I can be fully there for my partner. And my cat will have to go, too! I didn't know you could only love one person at a time. I've been doing everything all wrong. Thanks to both of you for clearing that up for me!


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

truant said:


> Well, this certainly makes me reconsider wanting to have a lot of friends. That's a clear sign that none of them is satisfying me and that I don't love any of them.
> 
> Probably best if I focus all my attention on a single friend. Until I get a relationship, of course, at which point I'll be obligated to sever my ties with my friend. It's sad, of course, but it's really the right thing to do.
> 
> I think first I'll cut all my ties with my family, so that I can be fully there for my partner. And my cat will have to go, too! I didn't know you could only love one person at a time. I've been doing everything all wrong. Thanks to both of you for clearing that up for me!


LMAO. Who compares platonic friendships and familial relationships to a loving, romantic relationship? Come on now.


----------



## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

truant said:


> Well, this certainly makes me reconsider wanting to have a lot of friends. That's a clear sign that none of them is satisfying me and that I don't love any of them.
> 
> Probably best if I focus all my attention on a single friend. Until I get a relationship, of course, at which point I'll be obligated to sever my ties with my friend. It's sad, of course, but it's really the right thing to do.
> 
> I think first I'll cut all my ties with my family, so that I can be fully there for my partner. And my cat will have to go, too! I didn't know you could only love one person at a time. I've been doing everything all wrong. Thanks to both of you for clearing that up for me!


Yes, because friendships and a relationship with a partner is the same thing. I'm sorry you don't see the difference and just see potential partners as play things to be selfishly replaced when you get bored of them instead of someone you want to fall in love with.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

truant said:


> Well, this certainly makes me reconsider wanting to have a lot of friends. That's a clear sign that none of them is satisfying me and that I don't love any of them.
> 
> Probably best if I focus all my attention on a single friend. Until I get a relationship, of course, at which point I'll be obligated to sever my ties with my friend. It's sad, of course, but it's really the right thing to do.
> 
> I think first I'll cut all my ties with my family, so that I can be fully there for my partner. And my cat will have to go, too! I didn't know you could only love one person at a time. I've been doing everything all wrong. Thanks to both of you for clearing that up for me!


There is only so much time in a day, ultimately if you're spending time with 20 people every time you go out, you're not really focusing on one of them like you would if it was one on one time with someone. If you are seeing all 20 one at a time then its 20 times as long between seeing each one and they're basically a see once every 2 months kind of a friend.. I don't think either of us is saying that there wouldn't be 'something' just hard to believe it would be as meaningful and deep of a connection as one on one every day.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

> According to this theory, love is made up of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Sternberg identifies eight types of love, which can be described as different combinations of these three elements. *For example, **non-love**, the relationship that you have with an acquaintance, is characterized by the complete absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment.* The other seven types of love have at least one component. Let's go over the characteristics of each type.


http://education-portal.com/academy...-of-love-definition-examples-predictions.html

This basically.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

srschirm said:


> LMAO. Who compares platonic friendships and familial relationships to a loving, romantic relationship? Come on now.


Yes, quite right, quite right. I see the mistake I've made now. I accidentally put "open relationship" in the loving category along with friendships and family and romantic pair bonds. I've moved that over to the unloving category now, so that should clear things up.



RelinquishedHell said:


> Yes, because friendships and a relationship with a partner is the same thing. I'm sorry you don't see the difference and just see potential partners as play things to be selfishly replaced when you get bored of them instead of someone you want to fall in love with.


Good heavens. I'm learning all sorts of terrible things about myself today. I'm just a cruel puppet master, toying with people's emotions in furtherance of my voracious sexual appetite. How dreadful! I suppose I really am incapable of love.



knightofdespair said:


> There is only so much time in a day, ultimately if you're spending time with 20 people every time you go out, you're not really focusing on one of them like you would if it was one on one time with someone. If you are seeing all 20 one at a time then its 20 times as long between seeing each one and they're basically a see once every 2 months kind of a friend.. I don't think either of us is saying that there wouldn't be 'something' just hard to believe it would be as meaningful and deep of a connection as one on one every day.


Right again. See, I've been laboring under the misconception that loving more than one person passionately was better than being in a cold and distant relationship with a single person.



knightofdespair said:


> http://education-portal.com/academy...-of-love-definition-examples-predictions.html
> 
> This basically.


Well, if Sternberg says it's so, it must be true. I'll bookmark that for future reference.


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

truant said:


> Well, if Sternberg says it's so, it must be true.


Not really putting a lot of counter-weight here to disagree. It is obvious you don't but when you dig into the core aspects of a truly stable relationship there just aren't the same dynamics there.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

knightofdespair said:


> Not really putting a lot of counter-weight here to disagree. It is obvious you don't but when you dig into the core aspects of a truly stable relationship there just aren't the same dynamics there.


I'm trying to shake up the rigid thinking in this thread.

Not that long ago, everyone believed that homosexual relationships were a sign of neurosis (ie. "unhealthy"). People still have trouble understanding that there are more than two forms of gender expression (male and female) and that anything else is a sign of neurosis (ie. "unhealthy").

ITT, people are projecting their own preferred relationship dynamic as the "healthy", "normal", "ideal" form of relationship. Only people who conform to this pair-bonding norm know what "true love" is. It's a completely unwarranted assertion, since there are clearly many different kinds of love, as evidence by friend love, familial love, etc.

The love shared between three people in a committed romantic relationship may be different than the love shared between two people, but this doesn't make it a "worse" kind of love, it makes it a different sort of love dynamic, which will be healthier or unhealthier depending entirely on the individuals involved, just as dyadic relationships are healthy or unhealthy depending on the couple. Similarly, defining sexual monogamy within a relationship as "healthy" and sexual promiscuity within a relationship as "unhealthy" is merely another form of projection.

Non sexually-monogamous dyadic relationships are not more common, in part, because of the extensive shaming that people with a preference for exlusive pair bonding perpetuate against people who don't share their preferences.

Projecting your own preferred relationship dynamic onto the world and declaring that anyone who doesn't conform to it is suspect is pure prejudice. It's no different than calling homosexuals deviants and expecting "men to be men, and women to be women".


----------



## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

truant said:


> I'm trying to shake up the rigid thinking in this thread.
> 
> Not that long ago, everyone believed that homosexual relationships were a sign of neurosis (ie. "unhealthy"). People still have trouble understanding that there are more than two forms of gender expression (male and female) and that anything else is a sign of neurosis (ie. "unhealthy").
> 
> ...


Not really, it has more to do with human psychology and stability.. And maybe even economics.. Humans simply don't value something that is easily replaceable.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

knightofdespair said:


> Not really, it has more to do with human psychology and stability.. And maybe even economics.. Humans simply don't value something that is easily replaceable.


Well, let's agree to disagree then. I think trying to understand love in terms of economics is like trying to understand art in terms of economics. And I'm quite well-versed in psychology, and well aware of the innumerable prejudices that pass for "health". Psychologists aren't immune to passing normative judgments and designing tests to "prove" them, just as they were all quite happy to "cure" homosexuals of their deviant sexual desires, and are still trying to "cure" transgender individuals.


----------

