# Being over 30 and not having any friends



## tim78

Sometimes I feel like Paul Rud's character in I Love You Man. I'm over 30 and have no real friends. I have a few acquantances but no friends. I don't know how to go about getting friends because if people knew I had no friends, they would think I was a loser. I'm tired of being lonely, but because I have such a hard time with people getting close to me, it's hard for me even to have friends. It's so frustrating.


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## jsgt

I hear you man. I'm in the same boat, and don't see anything changing. Trust...hard to earn, but easy to lose? I feel that way and have stopped trying. :stu Or...maybe it's different for some people. Trust is...Easy to earn, but hard to lose? The forgiving types would have more friends, I'd imagine. Have you had many bad experiences with people you thought of as a friend? Maybe that's why you push people away...in fear of being hurt.


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## VaeVictis

jsgt put it best. I have a few friends, but tbh they ended up becoming a disappointment in the end. I like them well enough but when your lonely relationships seem so much more special than they really are. Then when you finally get one they quickly lose their appeal.

What has helped me is having little to no expectations from others. Its hard to pull off, but if someone winds up letting me down I don't get hurt as much as I used to and if they _do_ decide to do something nice for me, I end up pretty happy because I never expected it in the first place.


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## straightarrows

Stay home all day long wqatching TV or lying on ur bed thinking make things even worst............................................................................


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## erasercrumbs

I'm in your club. I don't really have any friends. What I lack in friends, I make up for with general panache, though.


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## LisaAsil

Add Content


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## victoriangirl

With me it is this umcomfortable feeling I have when I am around people. There is barely anyone I meet with whom I do feel comfortable around. Just walking down the street, sitting at a cafe, riding in a bus - all a nightmare when I am doing with someone, so I guess I am just destined to be alone. 

How I wish I could feel at ease and be able to talk to someone about normal daily things. I can hold the bad things to myself, I am used to doing that anyways. I just want to chitchat about movies, music, animals...just normal stuff.


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## nervousman

victoriangirl, I'm just like you. I'm always nervous around people. In a group I'm ok, but one on one is impossible for me. Social interaction feels so unnatural for me. Being alone sucks sometimes, but most of the time I feel less bothered. How am I supposed to change the way my brain functions? Seems silly to try. Anyways, I'll probably be a loner all my life


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## GregW

I'm a loner too, although I have a few friends I have met through previous jobs. I'm actually posting here because one friend is a total loner who has me as his only friend, in fact the only person he ever speaks to outside of family members. I feel sad for him, but we are in a smallish country town, in addition to both being very shy, so it's not easy for him. I hardly ever see my own friends anymore, so I am quickly becoming a total loner too, although still trying to find new social scenes and overcome my social anxiety.


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## victoriangirl

nervousman said:


> victoriangirl, I'm just like you. I'm always nervous around people. In a group I'm ok, but one on one is impossible for me. Social interaction feels so unnatural for me. Being alone sucks sometimes, but most of the time I feel less bothered. How am I supposed to change the way my brain functions? Seems silly to try. Anyways, I'll probably be a loner all my life


I don't do well in a group actually, but in a sense it is easier because you can be quiet and kind of become 'invisible'. (and sneak away!) I am 'better' when I am one on one with someone but it is all about acting. The things I say, the way I move are so not natural. It is like I am reading this whole manual in my head on 'what to say and how to act towards humans' - saying that, could I be an alien??? Makes you think hey!


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## ToucanSam

It's difficult for those of us over 30, because most folks are married and have their own lives/friends.

Also, people are less sociable nowadays, less willing to take the "risk" of letting a stranger into their clique. And, many people are content to stay home with TV/internet than go out and make new friends.

-I'm not talking about SA people here, just regular folks who seem to have barriers erected around them, making it more difficult for those of us with SA to get to know them.


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## pjb77

At 35 I have not had a friend since high school. I actually saw my main friend at the grocery store yesterday. He was there with his 2 daughters, both around 6-8 years old. How weird. I talked to him for 5 minutes when he seemed ok with just saying hi and walking by. oh well. My forehead sweat and I felt like a goof but life goes on. I was an usher at his wedding... So awkward talking to people like that, everyone has their own life and family now.


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## Nick9075

I will soon be in my 40's with no friends (or spouse). I am 36 and will be 37 in June. I have not one friend or even acquaintance. I live right outside of Boston MA and from the NYC area and lived in CT for some time as well. I never met one person outside of a work or business relationship here.. I always think people immediately dislike me or think I am strange or 'quirky' as one supervisor once said.


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## HopefulSeeker

I don't think its that unusual to have very few or no friends. Most of the people I know who seem to have friends in plenty, count their relatives in that group. I have one true friend. And I count myself lucky. I have one other "sort of" friend, and a few people that I see once every 18 months when we get together for cards. 

It think true friendship is rare. But I think I have to take control of my own life, do things I'm passionate about, surround myself with activities that mean something to me, and then I'm more likely to get to know others who have similar passions. And it's that passion that allows me to get around how uncomfortable I am with people. I'm terrible in groups, better one on one, although the tension builds if I'm not comfortable with that one person. 

We have a social gathering on sunday. It's going to be a lot of pressure, but I need to show. 

just some thoughts, 

Seeker


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## percyblueraincoat

Deleted


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## Nick9075

joinmartin said:


> I'm sure you're already aware of the fact that the idea that people would think you are a loser for having had no friends in the past is just an idea. How would other people know you had no friends when you approached them? They can't read your mind or see your past. They just see you.
> 
> It's up to you how open you are with people you befriend. They don't have to get closer than you're comfortable with. You decide who gets in and who doesn't. But you can be secure and open to other people at the same time.


People seem to judge you by whom you 'hang with' along with other shallow details like what clothing labels you wear and what type of car you drive (I only have a 2008 Honda Civic which isn't cool enough to park in the lot at the gym I goto so I must leave it on the street).

It does seem like people are (by default) standoffish & hostile. I know that here in New England it is especially so but never imagined it was as bad it has been and that people were go out of their way to be snooty & stuck up


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## mzmz

*well*

that's why we have each other!

we are 
less shallow
more observant
very thoughtful

and we try to support one another.
Pretty good for "Strangers" on the internet, dontcha think?

:teeth


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## ToucanSam

nicely said, mzmz


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## falling down

gah


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## IcedOver

I don't have any friends either. I'm not really looking for a friend, but rather a date. The problem is that no one would want to date someone with no friends, so I'm screwed.


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## StayingMotivated

it's never to late  too bad youre across the us or I would be your friend


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## DarkMoon

I'm sure a lot of people here feel like this. I actually found this site by google searching for a way to make friends over 30. I like to game online once in a while, so if anyone here is interested just pm your gamer tag or whatever ya got.


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## Cat5

tim78 said:


> Sometimes I feel like Paul Rud's character in I Love You Man. I'm over 30 and have no real friends. I have a few acquantances but no friends. I don't know how to go about getting friends because if people knew I had no friends, they would think I was a loser. I'm tired of being lonely, but because I have such a hard time with people getting close to me, it's hard for me even to have friends. It's so frustrating.


 Uh, I think that your acquaintances are probably not as stupid as you think they are. More than likely if they have known you long enough, they know that you don't have many friends. Despite this, they are still acquaintances.


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## chris4088

mzmz said:


> that's why we have each other!
> 
> we are
> less shallow
> more observant
> very thoughtful
> 
> and we try to support one another.
> Pretty good for "Strangers" on the internet, dontcha think?
> 
> :teeth


goood point


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## inconversable

falling down said:


> gah


well said


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## Kingfisher

*Lonely*

I'm new to this sort of thing, but I feel I need to get things off my chest.

I'm 52 years old and been married for 28 years. When I was in my twenties, before getting married, I had lots of friends and socialized a lot. But after I got married, and moved from the city, things began to slowly go down. I settled in an area near my wife's family. Due to distance, I lost contact with many people. Then came work commitments, family, long distances commuting. Eventually I became cut off. I found it difficult to become involved socially locally due to the above. Then I found out my wife was masturbating to playboy magazines. That was twenty years ago. I felt crushed. But I ignored it. Said nothing. I also strongly suspected she had a short lesbian fling then too. But we had young children. And I loved them too much, to rock the boat.

The years rolled on, my isolation continued. I teach, am surrounded by people, but could not feel as strongly isolated as I do. My wife now avoids sex with me. When we do get together, I have to initiate it. But it's mostly one sided. I know she still masturbates after I get out of bed and have breakfast and get ready for work. Ive seen her.

I'm 52, isolated, no friends, and feel like my whole life has just been a complete waste. Even writing this now, which is not easy, 'cause I feel like crying, I don't know what to do.


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## pianist

Ive seen posts here before relating to this in similar situations. As in I know I cut all ties with my old friends back in the day, and have just kept doing the same thing ever since. If I meet someone and they want to hang out, I dont go. Then as life goes on I make no attempt to contact of respond to then. Ergo, cutting all ties with others.
Its a vicious cycle for me, when I know all I need to do is reach out without fear and a little bit of guts and I would be rewarded with maybe one or two meaningful friendships.
Yet is is such a scary prospect.


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## will30

I'm feeling like this myself. Though I think people in their 20s, even late 20s, wouldnt want to be friends with a 31 yo. But I don't look my age. I never realize the social stigma here. I hear that a lot of guys don't want to be friends with loners because they have nothing to offer. However one guy did reach out but he works at a bar part time, has no car, lives in a drug-infested part of town. I don't trust the guy because of where he lives. And he's hispanic and sporting a mustache. He's 29, actually. But I don't trust him.


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## gaz

I've blown any chances of friendships away from avoidance and being paranoid. Any ''friends'' i've had basically made all the first moves in initiating a frienship, for instance a lady whom i worked with always invited me and one or two others for walks on weekends and barbeques etc, i never made the effort to invite her in return:| so here i am a lonely bitter soul with no one.


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## Still Waters

I have no friends,the rare attempts I've made through the years have gone nowhere. I don't have a very happy life,so can't really be joking,smiling and bragging which is what tends to attract others. I also won't dump my problems on others (few could relate anyway) - so I tend to have no common ground with anyone. I can't be the life of the party and won't be the poor pitiful me soul - so what's really left?? I've tried on this site to make friendships-I've opened up more here than anywhere - but that never amounts to much of anything either. I'm becoming more bitter and depressed by the day.


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## gaz

^Bragging will repel people. I agree about the joking and being the life of the party though, i feel i am way too serious and morose which is not what attracts people.


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## Still Waters

gaz said:


> ^Bragging will repel people. I agree about the joking and being the life of the party though, i feel i am way too serious and morose which is not what attracts people.


I probably misspoke-what I interpret as "bragging" is what other people see as just talking about their lives - For example-the wine tasting they went to last weekend-the vacation they have planned next month.-That sort of stuff -also posting lots of vacation pics from wonderful places on Facebook -My life is dull and I suppose "normal" people wouldn't view any of that as bragging at all. Just another sign of how different I am and how bitter??


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## lonesomeboy

I haven't had a friend in 8.5 years.


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## howard26

I agree with this > ""It's difficult for those of us over 30, because most folks are married and have their own lives/friends."" 

Also, someone said/typed that no one would go out with someone with no friends. I don't know about that. A misfit would seem attractive to me. I wouldn't want to go out with her friends anyway. What am i taking about..."going out". I'd probably end up going to a lake or something because i'd be scared of going to a restaurant. :|


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## jamgirl90

Im 22 and I dont have friends besides people that I talk to online. Its really hard making friends because people arent genuine. They only come to use you and its really hard to find people that have the same interests and who you connect with the most.


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## ShyFish

I guess I have a few online friends. Don't really feel like I need more than that.


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## derpresion

blaaah this soo could be my future!! o~o im so antisocial its crazy.. -_-

however im not necessarily fearing of that. you just dont need to be pathetic about it

one thing im sure i wont do, that is to run after people trying to impress them to be their friend or something. so stupid.


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## HughJ

_Try to not speak (or think) about the anxious feelings you have, or the problems it can cause. {This will also lessen your outward manifestations.} Being a burden to potential friends makes them acquaintances at best. Being a burden to your friends makes them ex-friends. _


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## fallingdownonmyface

What the hell. Every single post in here is negative and worrisome for the future. Does anyone ever have any success around here?


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## harrison

fallingdownonmyface said:


> What the hell. Every single post in here is negative and worrisome for the future. Does anyone ever have any success around here?


I've had successes and I'm not worried about the future at all - but then again I'm slightly manic and my medication is probably just starting to kick in. :b


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## macky

fallingdownonmyface said:


> What the hell. Every single post in here is negative and worrisome for the future. Does anyone ever have any success around here?


I've had success stories but feel it would be in poor taste to waft it about in OPs face. Tbh I'd help OP out but im not sure if he''s evenue reasing this thead anymore. And it takes too much energy to help out to let it fall on deaf ears.


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## WillYouStopDave

As far as I know, most people over 30 really only tend to have anywhere between 1-3 close friends to a very small circle of close friends. Usually, these are people they know because they work with them (which it tends to be kind of a bad idea to socialize with people you have to work with anyway). 

30 and up is a downsizing time on the friend thing for most people. You're not in high school anymore and most people are not in college anymore. If you don't know many people you will not have many friends. It's that simple.


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## Reprise

need i remind you, you had 10 years to establish some close friends, by now you should already be married, had kids and a mistress on the side.

btw if you happen to be already be married, your wife probably wouldn't let you have friends she would probably moan that your not spending enough time with her or the kids

so count yourself lucky you don't have a fire breathing dragon down your back, would you rather spend time with a super *****? or hanging out with that low life scum you call your mate because he is nice to you, really, gosh i need a friend right now to tell me to shut the **** up either that or a nice big hug ...ohhh hugizee, i've become so soft in my old age, i need my teddy bear to snuggle up with me.....just wait one minute, what you need is mans best friend, a small puppy, best yet, he don't talk no bull****, all he do is bark to protect you when a threat arrives on your doorstep, he'll heel down to your command as long as you feed him and train him to hunt down pigs.


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## Michael1973

WillYouStopDave said:


> As far as I know, most people over 30 really only tend to have anywhere between 1-3 close friends to a very small circle of close friends. Usually, these are people they know because they work with them (which it tends to be kind of a bad idea to socialize with people you have to work with anyway).
> 
> 30 and up is a downsizing time on the friend thing for most people. You're not in high school anymore and most people are not in college anymore. If you don't know many people you will not have many friends. It's that simple.


I don't think this is universally true. My brother is 38 and has dozens of friends. Whereas I only have a small handful. And I could probably deal with it better if not for constantly seeing him going out and doing fun things with friends virtually every day.


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