# Considering Leaving Therapist



## ~Jessie~ (Jan 22, 2007)

I have been finding that my psychologist has been too laidback in her approach to helping me; I had told her I can be challenged a little more but nothing has really come out of it too much this past little while. Ideas have been discussed and tossed around and she hasn't been sticking to any single one idea for too long. I spoke to my mom about this and she told me that my psychologist is probably running out of ideas to help me - but I know that is not the case. I have noticed when I make suggestions to help me better, she dismisses it by suggesting something else less helpful or if she does agree, like I say, not much comes out of it. 

I kind of feel like I have been going to see her and I'm on my own in coming up with all the ideas and stuff to help me this past year. I mostly just go to see her to 'catch up' and not really work on my anxiety much because of the above reasons. I could have sworn my psychologist had said she does CBT (she knows it) but there hasn't been much of that type of therapy going on at all with her in my sessions. I've been seeing this one psychologist for 4 years although she has known me since I was 14, so we have a long history together when it comes to my anxiety. She has helped me tremendously in other areas of my life relating to my anxiety and fought hard to get me into certain other groups and programs that would help me out in some way - and they helped A LOT. 

I had managed to do group therapy specifically for SA this past spring and although I was quite anxious about doing it at first. I managed to go to every single session (there was 11 weeks of it) and it had gone extremely well for me that I was sad when it ended. I am still sad and miss it terribly that I had a good cry the other day over it; I realized for my second last session I did for group therapy was that I thought differently about my sessions with my psychologist and questioned her approach she has been doing with me. I think I've just simply outgrown her in terms of progress for my anxiety. 

I'm just not sure how to go about leaving her. She is a very nice person and I have nothing against her except that I feel like I need someone who is younger but knows what they are doing who specializes in social anxiety instead. I was trying to give my psychologist a second go of what she could do for me but I feel each time I say something about it.. it seems to get swept aside or modifies to the point it's not helpful to me with what she suggests. She doesn't ask me anything about it either. I continue to see her since I do like to be able to have someone I can talk to who I'm not close with about those type of things although even then I feel off after those sessions. I don't really want to dwell on anything either. So.. I've been considering leaving her to find someone else or just do my own thing for awhile. 

I have a follow up visit next month since group therapy ended, to see how I'm doing and said to one of the therapists running the group that I'd try to practice my planned exposures which was the phone, shopping and maybe the bus. My current psychologist hasn't really been helping me with any of those things even after mentioning them a few times to her already. I've been having to come up with my own plan based on what I learned from group therapy right now. I only see her once every two weeks but used to be once a month. 

In short, I've made a decision to leave her. I just don't know how or when to do it. And where to go from there. I didn't come to this decision lightly since I've been thinking about it for a month and a half now.


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## masterridley (Jan 20, 2007)

That's a tough one. I never knew how to "quit" people either. It's the ultimate test of someone's assertiveness.

It's clear that she's not helping you any more and you should find someone specialized in CBT like you say. So, you have to practise in front of your mirror what you're going to say to her.

Something like "It's been great and you've really helped me all these years, but now I feel like I want to take a break from therapy" or some other bs like that. If she asks you what happens if you get worse, then you can say that you'll be back then.

She doesn't have to know that you're going to be seeing another therapist. That will make it infinitely harder explaining why you want to quit her and I don't know if you can do it.


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## ~Jessie~ (Jan 22, 2007)

I'm not exactly the greatest with being assertive although I've been slowly trying to find that strength in me over the last couple of years. I just feel off after each session since I'm not really gaining any new knowledge or being challenged for my anxiety. I'm just throwing my money away to just see her every two weeks to chat about anything which I do enjoy but when it comes to discussing what to do for my anxiety. We just aren't on the same page anymore. 

She has asked me about doing things that I'd find fun to help me get out more and I had to tell her that pretty much everything I find fun outside of my home requires me to work through some level of anxiety. Majority of the possible situations instead of talking to me about them more and understanding why I find it so high and help me with it - she dismisses those and says "we won't work on it and think of something else less anxiety provoking" which kind of defeats the purpose of exposures, in my opinion. I told her a few times I seriously couldn't think of anything except walking my dog. We agreed on that to just walk my dog a few times a week which I'm doing but it's not really what I had in mind for exposures and not really what I originally had wanted help with. I've had to be my own therapist for the situations I truly want to work on that cause me high level of anxiety. I just refer back to my notes I took from the group for those ones these days.

My psychologist had told me a couple years ago that she doesn't get offended or anything if someone stops seeing her since she takes it as a sign she isn't needed anymore. I've been trying to find the words to tell her I'm done. It IS tough to do since I've got so used to seeing her on a regular basis - I hate change. I don't want to feel stuck anymore either. Sigh. I don't feel comfortable with telling her why - part of the reason I've been stewing over it is I know I'll cry while telling her it(that I want to leave and take a break) and I don't like crying in public or in front of others either. This is an exposure in itself for me to do this I guess lol


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## DreamAway (Apr 29, 2012)

I think it would be healthier if you clearly told your psychologist what the problems are - essentially what you've written here would be valuable for your therapist to see, bc she could then change her approach to suit your goals more effectively, if you felt at a later time, that she might be of help. 

Also if you want to see another therapist, getting a referral from your current one, is usually advisable, if you think that they're good at what they do.

I think it's important for your own well being that you're open with your current therapist about what's going on for you. Perhaps a new psychologist specialising in social anxiety is exactly what you need, but if your current one is worth her weight, then she could be a valuable tool in helping you find a new therapist and will not take it personally that you would like to try to work with someone else.

Just some food for thought, good luck with it all


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## MANOSAG (Sep 13, 2014)

Ive had that exact issue with a counselor who was just as you describe and who treated me just like you describe. 
I waited months to break it off after I knew I wanted to leave.
She never did get any better. 
I had even given her my exposure plan and she even agreed to working on it with me, but she never brought it up in any of the sessions, so I had to bring in a couple of books for her but even then she dismissed them. So we ended up talking instead about my insomnia and need to get out and exercise at the park, school, etc., anything BUT what I asked her to help me with originally. Finally I was angry and I confronted her about it, but she backed out of helping me because she said she couldnt do it for other reasons- which she had previously agreed to before. Several months later I decided to quit when I recalled how she had encouraged me to drink alcohol to loosen up my nerves before being social. It had stunned me so much when she said it that I set it aside because I still liked her as a counselor. But, finally I told her that I was ready to move on. She didnt give me any time to explain to her why, instead she made the assumption that that was because it was finally my time, and she said some remark about how this is what is supposed to happen. I felt that I was being inauthentic with her and I felt a little ashamed abt it, but she just didnt act like she was ready to hear me on the reasons why I was leaving, so I decided in the moment not to burst her bubble.


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## ~Jessie~ (Jan 22, 2007)

Thanks everyone for the tips and advice. I'm having a difficult time in getting the courage to tell her what I'm truly feeling about the situation. My last session with her was looking up a little because she tried talking to me about what I could do for my anxiety about the bus a little bit. She didn't stay on that topic for long since it was mainly focused on my mood and stress. Although she asked me my group feedback session and my attempt at being assertive/annoyed was that I had to tell her that session happened 2 months ago but I had a follow up in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing since the group ended.

It went downhill because I felt stuck in conversation about it since she didn't have anything helpful to me other than to rehome one of my birds(it's a long story). As soon as we're getting back on track about my anxiety exposures, the session was almost over and she wanted to talk to my mom about how my mom will cope after her surgery when I have my own anxiety for it. I just didn't like that near the end of my session instead of talking to me about that and how I would feel, etc... she just wanted to make sure my mom would be fine when *I* am the one seeing her, not my mom. Oh yea, when she asked me when I could make another appointment, we could do one before that group therapy follow up one to discuss goals and whatnot to work on. I don't know if it was her way of saying we can actually work on my anxiety but the follow up visit was a progress report NOT to learn anything new. I don't have too much to report back on in regards to my planned exposures because I haven't felt I am getting the help and support I truly need for it. I think she missed my point entirely.  

I was considering taking a break for the entire winter season but I don't know. It's hard to be your own therapist to overcome your social barriers in order to talk to your therapist about said barriers. I don't feel like my anxiety fears are being addressed very well. Anyway nothing has really been discussed yet... and I once again mentioned my list of situations I wanted to work on and so she wants me to bring it in for the next session. We'll see how that goes... I feel like not much is going on.


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