# grades and self esteem



## cj123 (Nov 30, 2007)

This past year I have realized that I use grades as a means of measuring my self worth. Relying on my GPA for a self esteem boost has kept me from truly building internal confidence. My whole life I have been a 4.0 student. Even in elementary school I was obsessed with grades and would do my homework over and over to make sure it was "perfect". During my junior year I received my first B+ of my life. Rationally I know this is absolutely nothing to worry about; in fact I should be happy about it--but I cannot stop obsessing over it. It's almost like "the 4.0 student" was my identity. Everytime I have felt awkward in a social situation, I remember thinking,"Well I may have horrible social skills, but at least I am a straight A student", and for that moment, that thought would comfort me.
Does anyone else do this, use their grades as a measure of their self worth? If not grades, do you use other things for that temporary confidence boost? 
I seem do it with anything academic-related as well as my weight at times.
At least now I can begin to break away from the "4.0 identity" and begin to build true confidence. It's better I build confidence now than later in life when I may not have the time or resources I have now.


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## DCP11OC (Sep 12, 2009)

Getting a B is like getting an A for me. Makes me feel like crap since I have nothing better to do all day and that's all I achieve with 'all the time in the world'.

I try not to think about it too much, so just passing is good enough for me. That's about it. Sad, I know.

Keep up the good work.


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## Onwards and UP (Jul 10, 2011)

I do that too! I'm like well it's okay I only have a few friends...the kids with a billion friends are probably failing and are not going to get into college and then will work at burger king. The sad thing is that their charisma always seems to get them just that little bit farther you know?


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## Marooned (Feb 20, 2004)

Another topic regarding grades came up here a few days ago, and I made a reply to that one which seems to be applicable here also, so I won't repeat it. A link to it is included below if you are interested. Essentially, the grading system we've adopted is not without flaw. We've made the error of according far too much value to these letters, with the result that it has become very easy to allow ourselves to be defined by them. This mistaken belief that one's intelligence can be rigorously determined by means of a letter or number has caused us to lose sight of the true purpose of our schools, which is teaching students how to think. Grades can be useful in giving us a sense of the progress we are making, but they should not be the end goal and most certainly not the basis for our self-worth. It looks like you've come to recognize the folly in treating them as such.

My earlier response to a similar topic: 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f18/unfairly-graded-181160/#post1059930673


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## fire mage64 (Jun 20, 2011)

Unfortunately yes... But I go easy on myself in difficult classes


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## kilgoretrout (Jul 20, 2011)

Yep, I've been doing this since maybe grade 11 or 12. I've always been an average student before dropping out of high school but when I resumed my studies a few years later, I took it more seriously. I've never been good at a lot of things so I felt I needed to prove to myself (and to my family especially) that I could actually accomplish something well and that something became school. When I was doing college courses I would get upset whenever I got a grade I didn't expect and I wasn't too happy when my GPA went down from something like 3.9 to 3.7 because of a B. Right now I'm taking a math course and I actually lost sleep because I failed one exam. I'm planning on going to university in a few years and I know I'm just going to beat myself up.


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## Banzai (Jun 4, 2009)

cj123 said:


> "Well I may have horrible social skills, but at least I am a straight A student", and for that moment, that thought would comfort me.


Haha I do this too.

I'm in my first year of uni and I've completely screwed it up. I'm trying to put it in my head that "first year isnt important" etc etc but yet I know _when _I fail, I'll feel incredibly bad about it. It's partly because of the grade but also partly because if someone asks me what I'd get and I told them I got a crap grade, I'd feel that they would think badly of me because of it. And at the uni I'm at, I'm pretty sure some people would think that so it's not entirely irrational


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## frenchie (Mar 27, 2008)

I was definitely like this in my senior high school years and the beginning of university. Immersing myself in my studies was a good escape from all the stress and self-disgust that came from social situations, so it wasn't hard to apply myself. And getting really good marks helped make up for feeling like such a failure in other aspects of life so I focussed on it hugely. Also exercise - I was obsessed with being skinny as that was another part of my life I could control and feel good about.
So I know exactly how you feel.
I'm not sure whether placing less emphasis on academic achievement and exercise will make it easier for an SA sufferer to build up confidence socially, though..? At least it wasn't that way for me. I couldn't fix my social anxiety problems so I focussed on other things, not the other way around.
The only thing that changed things for me was going on medication. My anxiety became much less severe and I was able to find pleasure in social situations and feel okay about myself socially. Then less depended on academic achievement etc just for the sake of it.


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