# Should I tell my parents I'm agnostic?



## sophiam (Mar 9, 2014)

If so, when should I tell them? I'm only 16, but I've been pretending to pray and believe in something I don't believe in my whole life. Confessing to them hasn't even been in the realm of possibilities in the past, but I don't think I can handle it anymore. Not only do they force me to go to weekly mass, but also make me volunteer for the church, go to the adoration chapel, etc. I'm thinking about telling them before I leave for college, but I don't know if I could do that to them. They're nice people and have given me everything, but I'm tired of living a lie.


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## Crimson Lotus (Jul 26, 2013)

Your parents sound like they're very religiously fervent but the question is, are they fanatics?

Your confession will certainly disappoint them and most likely hurt them to some degree. But if they're rational people they'll understand that even your own children are individuals that may have different ideas and should still be loved and respected even if they choose to reject what their parents believe in. But what if they're not rational people?, even if they're you parents you can never be sure as to how they would react to a new situation.

I've heard and read a good number of horror stories about non theist children in the US revealing their mentality to their parents only to be kicked out once they turn 18, disinherited and other repercussions. 

My personal advice would be to not risk it, even if the chance of them reacting that way is very small it's still a life altering risk. Deal with it and don't tell them until you're completely independent.


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## El Chupanibre (Mar 8, 2014)

I'd wait until college, get involved in some sort of secular volunteer organization or something, and THEN tell them. Definitely don't do like I did and lie to them about still "going to church" in college. Just be honest with them, tell them how much you appreciate them wanting the best for you, but everyone's beliefs are personal and unique. The last thing you want to do is to sound resentful or marginalize their beliefs in any way. It might be difficult for them at first, but if they see that you are happy with your own decision, then they will respect you for it.


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## BobbyByThePound (Apr 4, 2012)

It's not healthy for you to bottle up your true feelings on the matter- it's not healthy psychologically and it's not healthy for the relationship between you and your parents. No one here knows your parents- only you can say what the right thing for you to do is. If you think they'll react in some extreme way that'll result in them messing up your life, you have the right to keep your beliefs hidden from then. If you think they'll be somewhat understanding, it might be better to be honest. It depends on how mature your parents are.


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## purechaos (Dec 18, 2013)

Have you probed them at all to see how they feel about agnostics?


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## CEB32 (Mar 6, 2014)

The thing with being agnostic is not that you dont believe in something or have no spirituality. If a religious family have an issue with that then shame on them.

My old partner was Agnostic and her family very Christian, she told them and they understood as she respected their beliefs and they respected her beliefs to believe in what she wanted. I guess the question has already been asked, but it will depend on how fanatic they are with their beliefs, do they look down upon people who do not share their beliefs, if the answer is yes then you need to be prepared for the troubles ahead, if the answer is no then tell them


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

sophiam said:


> but I've been pretending to pray and believe in something I don't believe in my whole life.


This is atheism, not agnosticism. I understand people want to avoid the label but this is what you actually are.


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## CEB32 (Mar 6, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> This is atheism, not agnosticism. I understand people want to avoid the label but this is what you actually are.


I dont believe in Christianity, doesnt mean im atheist at all. Still possible they are confused about the 2 though ;-)


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

CEB32 said:


> I dont believe in Christianity, doesnt mean im atheist at all. Still possible they are confused about the 2 though ;-)


I wasn't addressing you -so I don't care- unless you intend to engage in debate. Since this forum isn't for that, I will decline. However, Christianity is irrelevant. Theism is defined by the belief in a god or gods. If you fail to meet this definition, you are an atheist. This isn't up for personal interpretation nor debate..


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## CEB32 (Mar 6, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> I wasn't addressing you -so I don't care- unless you intend to engage in debate. Since this forum isn't for that, I will decline. However, Christianity is irrelevant. Theism is defined by the belief in a god or gods. If you fail to meet this definition, you are an atheist. This isn't up for personal interpretation nor debate..


lol oh dear, an atheist doesnt believe in any, an agnostic believes in something without a label.

Carry on with your dont care attitude, because i dont now ;-)


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

CEB32 said:


> lol oh dear, an atheist doesnt believe in any, an agnostic believes in something without a label.


I suppose you'd be correct when you get to make up your own definitions. Good thing we have dictionaries.


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## sophiam (Mar 9, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> This is atheism, not agnosticism. I understand people want to avoid the label but this is what you actually are.


Wait a second. By that, I only meant that I rejected the beliefs of Catholicism, not necessarily the entire concept of theism.


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## sophiam (Mar 9, 2014)

purechaos said:


> Have you probed them at all to see how they feel about agnostics?


Uh. Let's just say that they're aloof towards people who don't whole-heartedly believe in God.

P.S. I want to give a big thank you to everyone who's responded! Your advice means a lot to me.


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## Roberto (Aug 16, 2004)

Church can provide a lot of good activities for youth. I am not religious, but I grew up religious and have seen relatives grow up religious and I think any church or group of people that supports you and fosters you is a good thing, as long as they aren't insane. (I know most folks derive their understanding of the world through mass media these days - not all religious people are insane.) It's natural for a teen to question the rule of their parents, it's a fact of life. It should be expected. Almost every one of us rebels and goes the other way as a teenager. It just means that it's time for you to leave the nest and experience independence, where you have no choice but to think, live and learn for yourself.


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

sophiam said:


> Wait a second. By that, I only meant that I rejected the beliefs of Catholicism, not necessarily the entire concept of theism.


Then you need to specify what you don't believe and address that directly. However, that still isn't agnosticism.


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## sophiam (Mar 9, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> Then you need to specify what you don't believe and address that directly. However, that still isn't agnosticism.


Then what is?


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Religion should not be forced. It should be an individual's choice. In a perfect world they would accept you and your beliefs.


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## saganist (Nov 28, 2012)

You should tell them, absolutely. It doesn't matter what their reaction is. It is your life, not theirs. They cannot control whether or not you believe in silly things. They should be proud of you and your capability in critical thinking. If they react strongly, for example threaten to throw you out after you are 18, they are not worthy to be called parents, anyways. I'm sure you can find help and peer support, unfortunately there are a lot of people in this world with fundamentalist parents.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

My parents are Mexican Catholics and have a deep strong faith. I don't see any reason to tell them, especially my grandmother, that I'm an atheist. Not because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me but because I'm afraid that they would be disappointed. My life isn't affected in a positive or negative way if they think that I'm a Catholic so why mess with it.


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## PressOnBrah (Feb 23, 2014)

To me, it's comes down to this:

Do you have enough self-respect that you're willing to stand up for yourself or not? Don't let them force their ideologies on you.


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## PressOnBrah (Feb 23, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> This is atheism, not agnosticism. I understand people want to avoid the label but this is what you actually are.


Atheism is a claim of belief. Gnosticism is a claim of knowledge. Whether you are a theist or an atheist, you are either gnostic or agnostic.

I don't believe there is a god, but I can't know for sure. I am an agnostic atheist.


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

PressOnBrah said:


> Atheism is a claim of belief. Gnosticism is a claim of knowledge. Whether you are a theist or an atheist, you are either gnostic or agnostic.


Why are you telling me this? I'm confused as to how you arrived at the notion that I needed clarification from you.



PressOnBrah said:


> I don't believe there is a god, but I can't know for sure. I am an agnostic atheist.


 I don't care about your epistemological stance. It is simply irrelevant to anyone but you. On that note, you cannot possibly possess the requisite knowledge to determine what you can or can't know for sure. Even if your level of certainty reaches a point of virtual absolute, this still does not translate to others.


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## mca90guitar (Sep 12, 2012)

I went through all the steps. After my confirmation I stopped going to church. I would just go slow with it. Religion can bring the worst out of people when you go against it. 

Lucky for me I know more about the bible then my mom does and it helps when you can basically point out they they have no room to talk when they dont really know what they go to church for.


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

sophiam said:


> Then what is?


Well I don't know as you weren't specific on what you do not believe. Just because you may disagree or reject certain things about your religion has nothing necessarily to do with the concepts of (a)theism and (a)gnosticism. I personally don't believe Big Foot exists but there isn't a specific term to describe non belief in mysterious roaming forest apes that sometimes appear to use primitive cloaking technology. There may not be specific terms to describe your disbelief in whatever it is your alluded to in your original post. Perhaps skeptic to certain fundamental claims/ideologies/tenants/doctrines of Catholicism better describes your perspective.

As I've pointed out, theism is a single proposition to the existence of a god. You either accept this true or you don't. Gnosticism is a claim regarding knowledge of a god and sometimes other metaphysical claims. Of course the -a prefix denotes the negation of the root. Do you know that a god exists? If not, that's all agnosticism is. It is often used this way to describe non committal, indecision, and uncertainty (this however does not address the position of theism and therefor isn't a neutral middle ground between theism and atheism). It is also the claim that truths about a god are unknown or unknowable. I personally find each of its uses pointless for the following reasons: What a person claims to know or not know about a topic -that no one can actually demonstrate in any objective manner- is largely moot. All knowledge is, on any practical level, is the degree of certainty of which you hold something true. Since we have no way to gauge or compare what we even mean on a quantifyable level, the concept of lacking it is largely academic--if not plain nonsensical.

Also, claiming that a god is unknowable is an untenable position. One cannot possibly possess the requisite information to determine what is unknowable, as it is self-contradictory. Furthermore, if something is indeed unknowable, it is completely irrelevant as it precludes gaining information to perceive it in any way.


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## Duskily (Apr 9, 2014)

I would not tell them if I was you but if you think you should than I suggest waiting until your totally independent beforehand. 
I wish you the best of luck.

p.s Agnostic means neither believing nor disbelieving in the existence of deity. That is the popular opinion, of course you'll occasionally get the people who say Agnosticism is solely about knowledge and not the slightest bit about belief.


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

Duskily said:


> p.s Agnostic means neither believing nor disbelieving in the existence of deity.


 P.S. No it doesn't. It is an exclusive disjunction and therefor impossible to be neither or both. This isn't up to personal interpretation.



Duskily said:


> That is the popular opinion,


 Because it's the correct one. I suggest you find a dictionary and amend your definition.



Duskily said:


> of course you'll occasionally get the people who say Agnosticism is solely about knowledge and not the slightest bit about belief.


 Yeah, because that's what it means. I suppose it wouldn't be so damn head scratching when people argue this if the word _gnostic _didn't mean the word knowledge. Etymology is such a *****.


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## 101Drew (Apr 10, 2014)

I finally had a talk with my parents about this. I feared anything could happen, but now our relation is better than ever. I think that they know already - it shines through if you aren't passionate about it.


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## PressOnBrah (Feb 23, 2014)

Foh_Teej said:


> Why are you telling me this? I'm confused as to how you arrived at the notion that I needed clarification from you.


You said that he was atheist, not agnostic. But when has he ever said that he KNOWS there is no god? You can be both atheist and agnostic. In fact, every single person is either gnostic or agnostic.


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## Foh_Teej (May 5, 2004)

PressOnBrah said:


> You said that he was atheist, not agnostic.


 Yes, taken from her post. She specifically said "I'm only 16, but I've been pretending to pray andbelieve in something _*I don't believe*_ in my whole life."

Now she wasn't specific to what she didn't believe but if in fact she was referring to a god, this is atheism.



PressOnBrah said:


> But when has he ever said that he KNOWS there is no god?


 She didn't nor did I imply that she did. My whole point in posting is to correct misapplying the term_ agnosticism_. The vast majority of the time, it is used incorrectly in effort to avoid the atheist label. Even Einstein did this.



PressOnBrah said:


> You can be both atheist and agnostic. In fact, every single person is either gnostic or agnostic.


 I still fail to understand why you drew the conclusion that I was not already aware of this. Having written essays on this topic, I am vastly aware of the difference in doxastic and epistemic terms. On a side note, had you read any of my posts regarding this topic in the last, oh few years, you'd know that I thinkthe concept of _agnostic(ism)_ is a pointless modifier -in most cases- and I detail my reasons why.


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## hmweasley (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm struggling with the same thing. I'm at school most of the year, and it's not a big deal other than letting my parents think I'm going to mass each Sunday. I go to mass when I'm home though, and I can't work up the courage to say something. To make matters worse, my dad's a Catholic deacon. Honestly, I may never tell them. It seems almost easier to just go along with it. I really haven't been actively lying about anything. I'm just letting them think what they think and going to mass whenever I'm home, which isn't a huge deal for me.


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## RRAAGGEE (Mar 15, 2014)

I was 15 when I told my parents I was atheist. We had an argument about religion but it wasn't big and they are really really religious. Ever since I told them the excluded me from going to church with them and praying at the dinner table with them. 

You should tell them this as soon as possible. They shouldn't oppress you just because you choose not to have a religion. It's your choice not theirs.


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## sourgrapes (Jun 24, 2013)

Mine probably knew junior or senior of high school, can't remember exactly. There was a never proper "coming out", just sort of implied by what I was saying.

Hell, I don't think my dad even knows, but probably assumes. We don't talk about that kind of stuff, I think the only reason I went to church every Sunday as a kid was my mom.

Anyway, I'm guessing from the OP that the parents in question are a bit more into their religion than mine were. In that case I'd wait until you are away at college, and hope that they can respect your decision as an adult.

I got my first part-time job at 14 specifically to avoid going to church, maybe that could work in the meantime?


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## John316C (May 1, 2011)

hhhhhhhhhhhh


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