# How does a 29 year old with very little experience put himself out there?



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

So I discovered I'm not completely repulsive, and am actually good looking (at least, some girls think so.) However, how do you get over your inexperience, when you're older and everyone, even 13 year olds, are more experienced than you are? 

It's so easy to sit at home and look at porn. I would rather be with a girl, but it beats being embarrassed and humiliated for being who you are.


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## Droidsteel (Mar 22, 2012)

I don't think anyone here knows the answer to that :cry

And everyone irl will just say 'get out there.'

Hugs? :squeeze


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I'm 31, and don't think it's possible, unless I meet someone online. I don't have any introvert friends who have other introvert friends, and I clash silently with everyone I do meet. Dating sites seem fruitless, unless you're a pinnacle peach of the community, like really successful and charming. Meetups with strangers always go south when i try to open my mouth. Oh, the pessimism burns, but I stopped hoping years ago.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

I was 24 when I finally got out there, not quite your age but I still had that same mentality. The difference was, unlike you I had 0 friends and never went out to bars or clubs or did any activities outside of my house for the most part. You have the advantage of already being fairly comfortable with nightlife-type surroundings (at least from what I've read from you), so just keep doing what you're doing but add in some approaches. Approach random people (especially girls) and try to strike up conversations. Don't worry about your lack of experience, because once you actually get a girl, none of that will matter. And you don't get a girl by by bragging about your sexual exploits. You get a girl by being friendly, charming, and confident in who you are...whether you've been with 100 girls or 0.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Well, I have a good social circle...my problem is the panic attacks. I can handle 1 or 2 friends, but put me in a room full of people and I panic (this is also why I don't live gig as a musician.)

I can always say I was socially anxious, because I was. I honestly believed from the age of 23-28 that I was ugly, a monster, and nobody would love me. I was shown recently that that isn't true. And like I said, I am looking for a serious relationship, but would possibly date around and would be happy with just experience. That, however, is problematic, because people treat older virgins or guys with little experience as freaks, even though I had a legitimate reason for ending up this way. And forget before 23..._girls pretty much ignored me, or put me in the friend zone.

_The main reason why I don't just walk up to a cute girl at the grocery store and say, "hey, you doing anything Saturday?", is the possibility of questions. I told my therapist, actually both of them, that I would be fine with being rejected before they learned of my inexperience...but to be rejected because of it would practically kill me.


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## ivankaramazov (Aug 22, 2009)

Just accept that you aren't experienced before you let it turn you into a 40 year old with the same old fears and anxieties. There's nothing wrong with not being great in bed, I've been actively trying to **** the pain away for over a decade and still have those instances where the chemistry is **** and I perform like a closeted republican senator.

I read in another post that you've been going out a lot to clubs, bars, etc. Why not try frequenting the same one a few times per week? You'll get to know the staff, regulars, etc. It's a great way to avoid the approach and possibly get introduced by those people who already know you. I did this for years at a spot across the street from me (had awesome cheese fries). I'd just go in and be nice to everyone - especially the cocktail girls. No intention of meeting somebody, but I was constantly getting called over to tables with girls, or they'd send them my way.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

It's fantastic to see how confident you've become.

Your experience is simply a fact of your life. You've not got a time machine. We've seen on here and in life that people have different tastes and attitudes towards experience and not everyone treats older virgins and older guys lacking in experience as freaks.



> The main reason why I don't just walk up to a cute girl at the grocery store and say, "hey, you doing anything Saturday?", is the possibility of questions.


For all you know, that cute girl at the grocery store might think older virgins are sexy as hell. She might even have a fetish for older virgins.

I appreciate that this is something that matters to you. But, at the end of the day, you can't control whether someone is going to reject you for your lack of experience or not. We can't control other people. Things have held you back and messed with your confidence for far too long so why let other stuff hold you back?

If the questions come up, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But you thought for your new found confidence and you won it. This is not the time for worries about questions. This is the time to use what you've won.

Oh, and as for the whole panic attacks thing and not being able to handle a room full of people....you can change that if you want by working on it over time. Nobody is expecting you to run before you can walk. You've made big, positive strides and achieved the confidence you deserve. You get the chance to play with that confidence now. You don't have to have everything change in one go. You've been through a lot in life and making it so that some things don't bother you any more might take a bit of time. That's fine. Plenty of time.

But you can get started using your new found confidence right now.


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## Tyler Bro (Apr 27, 2012)

Do some drugs or drink and then you will get used to it that way and then you can stop using those 2 because you are used to it. So use drugs to alter your state of mind and then just get off of them since your used to it. Catch my drift? What most people do is they start benzos to get a feel for what it's like and then after a long time talking to people and partying they get off of them and then they are set because you been exposed. 

Works everytime.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Tyler Bro said:


> Do some drugs or drink and then you will get used to it that way and then you can stop using those 2 because you are used to it. So use drugs to alter your state of mind and then just get off of them since your used to it. Catch my drift? What most people do is they start benzos to get a feel for what it's like and then after a long time talking to people and partying they get off of them and then they are set because you been exposed.
> 
> Works everytime.


I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. No, this is not good advice. Reliance on pharmaceuticals or depressants to function at a socially normal level should be avoided unless completely necessary. This is how addictions start. Just because they might have had some benefits for you does not qualify to preach those onto everyone around you.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm already on benzos. Really bad advice there.

Honestly, I don't know anymore. I am extremely sexually frustrated (hope I can say that here), and wish I could meet a girl that not only I wanted to have sex with, but also viewed as a friend or companion. Oh, and also someone who doesn't already have a boyfriend!


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I'm already on benzos. Really bad advice there.
> 
> Honestly, I don't know anymore. I am extremely sexually frustrated (hope I can say that here), and wish I could meet a girl that not only I wanted to have sex with, but also viewed as a friend or companion. Oh, and also someone who doesn't already have a boyfriend!


You'll get there man, if you work hard at it and be patient


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## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> So I discovered I'm not completely repulsive, and am actually good looking (at least, some girls think so.) However, how do you get over your inexperience, when you're older and everyone, even 13 year olds, are more experienced than you are?
> 
> It's so easy to sit at home and look at porn. I would rather be with a girl, but it beats being embarrassed and humiliated for being who you are.


 I am in the boat you are, 29 years old with very limited experence. I wish I could walk up to women and talk to them. But I can't and I hate myself for it every day.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

You have to go to places where there are people in a social situation and talk to them. This does not have to be bar. It could be a church, joining a bowling league or any number of activities. Take a look at what your interests are that do not involve sitting alone in your room. Choose an activity and then look online to find a group in your area for that activity. Attend some of their meetings to see if it something that you would enjoy doing. Talk to people there. It will not be easy but in order to find someone, you have to talk to people.


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## Later (May 5, 2011)

I wish you wouldn't feel this way but I am going to be blunt here, for all those years somehow you kept yourself from achieving your wants chances are you won't get anywhere unless you DO something about it unfortunately social anxiety very much can disable you. I am sorry too that there are 17 year olds giving you horrible advice to do drugs and people just telling you to just go and talk to people it is not that easy. And I bet you already know that


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## greencarpet (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi there WintersTale it really does sound like you've gone a long way. So please don't become discouraged. I completely agree with what Later had to say and I think it's important to read that.

From what I've seen here it seems like there are some things you can and cannot handle right now. Is there anyplace which isn't overwhelming for you? Perhaps the musician side of you could open some doors. Maybe not a live performance but have you ever thought about give lessons?

Maybe you have some comfort zones which will make talking with other people slightly easier. Just something to consider.


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## I_Dazed_I (Apr 13, 2011)

Hobbies. Solo, or small group. That's my advice. I am the same age, and was in the same boat as you. I picked up Hiking, jogging, Photography, Pool, etc. while on the prowl, lol. Hiking, jogging, and photography are good, all will get you outside and can be used as excercise which in turn boosts confidence and lowers SA junk.

As for the "can't go to a party thing", I remember that from last year. The place i was living planned to host our highschool reunion after-party and I was pretty much terrified. People ended up filtering in a few at a time. It's kind of like exposure therapy. You get 1-2 people to start, get used to the situation, then a few more come in to throw you for a loop... but you will always conquor. My advice, host a party if physically possible. It always turns out a lot easier than you think it will. 

Letting people into your area, instead of going into theirs, will give you the upper hand. You are opening yourself up so others can see who you really are. Since you're a musician I am guessing that you are probably a lot more interesting than you think. Hosting will also give you the ability to make a game plan just in case you do start to feel SA coming on. Create an escape zone that nobody is allowed into, likely your bedroom, and if you start to feel overwealmed just duck into there for a bit, recompose, and go for round 2!


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Experience doesn't matter. All you need to do is approach and approach. That's it, and the rest will fall into place.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

I_Dazed_I said:


> *Hobbies. Solo, or small group. That's my advice. I am the same age, and was in the same boat as you. I picked up Hiking, jogging, Photography, Pool, etc. while on the prowl, lol. Hiking, jogging, and photography are good, all will get you outside and can be used as excercise which in turn boosts confidence and lowers SA junk.*
> 
> As for the "can't go to a party thing", I remember that from last year. The place i was living planned to host our highschool reunion after-party and I was pretty much terrified. People ended up filtering in a few at a time. It's kind of like exposure therapy. You get 1-2 people to start, get used to the situation, then a few more come in to throw you for a loop... but you will always conquor. My advice, host a party if physically possible. It always turns out a lot easier than you think it will.
> 
> Letting people into your area, instead of going into theirs, will give you the upper hand. You are opening yourself up so others can see who you really are. Since you're a musician I am guessing that you are probably a lot more interesting than you think. Hosting will also give you the ability to make a game plan just in case you do start to feel SA coming on. Create an escape zone that nobody is allowed into, likely your bedroom, and if you start to feel overwealmed just duck into there for a bit, recompose, and go for round 2!


Good advice really. I've resisted this but I might try the hobby groups approach. Jogging might help me gain more incentive to quit the smokes too.


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## reno316 (Jun 13, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> *So I discovered I'm not completely repulsive, and am actually good looking (at least, some girls think so.) *However, how do you get over your inexperience, when you're older and everyone, even 13 year olds, are more experienced than you are?
> 
> It's so easy to sit at home and look at porn. I would rather be with a girl, but it beats being embarrassed and humiliated for being who you are.


Wait. You discovered this now at 29? Why did it take you so long in first place?


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

"If you dont ask, for the fear that you might be refused, you have already refused yourself."

How does a 29 year old do it, just like any other 29 year old. There aint nothing to it brother, just go for it. Go for everything. Go after grocerry store girl, and if you cant handle her question then so be it.

Women dont care man, they are not like us, these things dont matter to them. Its television that has given you this mindset, believe me, its not how things are. Everything is a struggle for everyone. Just go for it, if you fail, you fail, heck if you just sit there and fap to porn, you have already failed bud


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Zeeshan said:


> "If you dont ask, for the fear that you might be refused, you have already refused yourself."
> 
> How does a 29 year old do it, just like any other 29 year old. There aint nothing to it brother, just go for it. Go for everything. Go after grocerry store girl, and if you cant handle her question then so be it.
> 
> Women dont care man, they are not like us, these things dont matter to them. Its television that has given you this mindset, believe me, its not how things are. Everything is a struggle for everyone. Just go for it, if you fail, you fail, heck if you just sit there and fap to porn, you have already failed bud


But they do care, somewhat. I've learned this.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't you have hookers in Cincinnati?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

scarpia said:


> Don't you have hookers in Cincinnati?



I'm broke
I'm against prostitution
I want a girlfriend
I don't think a future girlfriend would take kindly to me losing my virginity to a hooker
I live with my mom, my sister, and her 3 kids
I don't drive
I don't have a job
I am a college student, and honestly don't have the time
And finally....

9. It's illegal!


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> I'm broke
> I'm against prostitution
> I want a girlfriend
> I don't think a future girlfriend would take kindly to me losing my virginity to a hooker
> ...


Bro you have to get a car. A girl can live with the rest of the stuff, but you got to get a car


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Zeeshan said:


> Bro you have to get a car. A girl can live with the rest of the stuff, but you got to get a car


I'm in the process of getting one. I'm going to get a used one, shopping around right now.

To expand on my list...


I'm broke - _*After this week, which is finals week, I will look for a part time job.*_
I'm against prostitution - *This will never change. I want a girlfriend, not just sex. *
I want a girlfriend - _*I think I just said that....*_
I don't think a future girlfriend would take kindly to me losing my virginity to a hooker - *Which is why I should lose my virginity to a girlfriend, not a hooker. *
I live with my mom, my sister, and her 3 kids - _*Honestly, I don't think this matters that much. And I plan to move out eventually. *_
I don't drive - _*Like I said, working on getting a license and a car. *_
I don't have a job - _*See #1.*_
I am a college student, and honestly don't have the time - _*To expand on this, the idea of sex outside of a relationship, particular sex that "I have to pay for", doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather be alone and a virgin than pay for it. *_
And finally....

9. It's illegal! - _*The police in Cincinnati are coming down hard on the Johns recently, and not coming down hard on the hookers. I have a clean record, I am not a felon, and don't want to end up in jail and with a record. *_


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

prostitution is stupid, afterwards you will feel even lower, and less satisfied then ever. Its like being really hungry and eating a lot of junk. Then you feel sick after


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Zeeshan said:


> prostitution is stupid, afterwards you will feel even lower, and less satisfied then ever. Its like being really hungry and eating a lot of junk. Then you feel sick after


I never have. It's a SERVICE. Don't overthink the situation.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I'm in the process of getting one. I'm going to get a used one, shopping around right now.
> 
> To expand on my list...
> 
> ...


Road trip to Canada! Nothing illegal about it there - they are even legalizing brothels in Ontario.

Your standards are unrealistic. You don't have to tell women you have been with hookers. It seems that you say you can't get a gf due to your lack of sexual experience. So GET some sexual experience. The hooker doesn't care if you have a job or a car. Just get a $50 motel room and cash for the girl.

I've been where you are now. I've only has sex with prostitutes and I don't plan on having sex outside of a "professional" relationship. Love? BAH! My cat loves me. If you want super loyalty get a dog.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Oh, please give it up. I'd rather kill myself than have sex that I pay for.

*GIRLFRIEND

*_See the underlined text? That's what I want.

And since you don't want an actual relationship for yourself, your opinion is invalid and irrelevant. I want to be married with kids and a family. I want to marry my best friend. I haven't met her yet, but I hope I will soon. 
_


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

When you get a gf you are going to find out that you pay in other ways than simply straight cash.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

scarpia said:


> When you get a gf you are going to find out that you pay in other ways than simply straight cash.


Dude, do this:

_Take your wallet, open it, go see a hooker, and tell them that you're having sex to lose a guy's virginity that you know on the internet.

Then have sex. Enjoy it, because you WILL NEVER GET ME TO DO IT.

Then close your mouth, turn off your computer, and give it up. 
_


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

WintersTale said:


> But they do care, somewhat. I've learned this.


The mature ones won't. They'd take the "practice makes perfect" attitude. :wink



scarpia said:


> Don't you have hookers in Cincinnati?


WintersTale, should I tell this?! :lol

Uh, Cincinnati is FAMOUS for being against this - there are stings all the time. This is the city Larry Flynt made infamous with his magazine empire. He and my dad actually worked in the same building in Dayton when my dad first started his career as an engineer. Mr. Flynt would soon after this own a few bars in Dayton before heading south.



WintersTale said:


> I'm broke
> I'm against prostitution
> I want a girlfriend
> I don't think a future girlfriend would take kindly to me losing my virginity to a hooker
> ...


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

****Thread Lock Watch****
Whoa! Posts showed up after the fact! Let's not advocate illegal activities and going across borders.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

scarpia said:


> When you get a gf you are going to find out that you pay in other ways than simply straight cash.


So because you don't believe in love and you think having an actual girlfriend is a waste of time and money, everyone else should think that too? I commend Winter's Tale for sticking to his guns on this one. Personally I don't see an issue with prostitution (though I would only consider actually doing it in Amsterdam or somewhere else where it was well-regulated) as long as it doesn't become an addiction or a crutch to avoid real, meaningful social interaction. The latter is the pit you've seemed to have fallen into, since you're satisfied with just your cat showing you love over a human being doing it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I'm almost 37 and even I have hope, just the nerves.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> _Then close your mouth, turn off your computer, and give it up. _


You are the one who keeps posting these sad threads about how you can't get any. How many years have you been trying now? Maybe after a dozen years of failing at the same strategy over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over you might want to change something.

I'm not writing these things to give you a hard time. Like I said, I was in your situation when I was your age. Because I was so messed up in the head I took up with a hot girl with a borderline personality disorder. It was a very horrible experience. Shortly after that my father got very ill and got dementia. I spent the next ten years taking care of him and watching him slowly deteriorate from Alzheimer's. Suddenly I was the real 40 yo virgin. Or would have been if I hadn't frozen my age at 39!!!

Do you have a therapist? Have you heard of surrogate therapy?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

scarpia said:


> You are the one who keeps posting these sad threads about how you can't get any. How many years have you been trying now? Maybe after a dozen years of failing at the same strategy over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over you might want to change something.
> 
> I'm not writing these things to give you a hard time. Like I said, I was in your situation when I was your age. Because I was so messed up in the head I took up with a hot girl with a borderline personality disorder. It was a very horrible experience. Shortly after that my father got very ill and got dementia. I spent the next ten years taking care of him and watching him slowly deteriorate from Alzheimer's. Suddenly I was the real 40 yo virgin. Or would have been if I hadn't frozen my age at 39!!!
> 
> Do you have a therapist? Have you heard of surrogate therapy?


If you had read his threads more closely you would know that he has a powerful new confidence and is optimistically changing his life around. As far as I'm concerned, it's only a matter of time. And going to a prostitute wouldn't make him feel fulfilled, so what would be the point anyway?


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

rymo said:


> So because you don't believe in love and you think having an actual girlfriend is a waste of time and money, everyone else should think that too? I commend Winter's Tale for sticking to his guns on this one. Personally I don't see an issue with prostitution (though I would only consider actually doing it in Amsterdam or somewhere else where it was well-regulated) as long as it doesn't become an addiction or a crutch to avoid real, meaningful social interaction. The latter is the pit you've seemed to have fallen into, since you're satisfied with just your cat showing you love over a human being doing it.


I am not in any pit. Quite the contrary. I am standing on the mountaintop, having reached true enlightenment, looking down at the lost souls stumbling around in dark places.



rymo said:


> If you had read his threads more closely you would know that he has a powerful new confidence and is optimistically changing his life around. As far as I'm concerned, it's only a matter of time. And going to a prostitute wouldn't make him feel fulfilled, so what would be the point anyway?


 The experience he thinks he needs.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm 30 and tbh, I rather just sit at home and look at porn. Unless I can actually find someone who "gets" me which seems to be an impossible task.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

http://surrogatetherapy.org/what-is-surrogate-partner-therapy/

At least THINK about it. Don't just dismiss ideas without some critical analysis.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

scarpia said:


> You are the one who keeps posting these sad threads about how you can't get any. How many years have you been trying now? Maybe after a dozen years of failing at the same strategy over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over you might want to change something.
> 
> I'm not writing these things to give you a hard time. Like I said, I was in your situation when I was your age. Because I was so messed up in the head I took up with a hot girl with a borderline personality disorder. It was a very horrible experience. Shortly after that my father got very ill and got dementia. I spent the next ten years taking care of him and watching him slowly deteriorate from Alzheimer's. Suddenly I was the real 40 yo virgin. Or would have been if I hadn't frozen my age at 39!!!
> 
> Do you have a therapist? Have you heard of surrogate therapy?


Do you even have social anxiety? Do you understand how hard it is to meet women, even when you don't...and when you have anxiety around them, it's ten times harder?

It's not like I don't ask out women. I've flirted with women when I'm comfortable, most of my friends are female, I get along with women. I just have relationship anxiety, tied to the social part of relationships. The idea of kissing someone, much less having sex, scares the hell out of me...

And you want me, with all of my anxieties, to go see a hooker?

Dude, dude...hookers are fine for you. All they will do is screw me up even further. I need to get more comfortable talking to women I'm attracted to, and escalating a relationship, rather than focusing on the virgin part of it.

I only made this thread because it's a stigma. Obviously, it has a reason; I have social anxiety. But still, it's a stigma, and I'd hate to get to know a girl, have us like each other, and then have her drop me because I've not sticked my penis into a vagina yet.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Nada said:


> I'm 30 and tbh, I rather just sit at home and look at porn. Unless I can actually find someone who "gets" me which seems to be an impossible task.


:lol the avatar - nice work


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

****Thread Lock Warning****
After warnings have been issued, I need to lock the thread.


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