# Its funny how girls wanna be your friend after they break your heart isnt it?



## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

Come one girls whats with that seriously!!!!Ive been tryin to figure this out for months now-- They break your heart and then they are like-- "we can still be friends though"- and im like " are you kidding me?!" seriously man can they twist the knife a lil harder


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

olschool said:


> Come one girls whats with that seriously!!!!Ive been tryin to figure this out for months now


Its because they think its gonna make you feel better. Also many of them figures he likes me, so better to have him around, incase i need help with my homework, or need my dog walked, or just want men around me to make me look treasured and wanted

Dont fall for it. She isnt going to just decide she wants you if you pay attention to her. Your only course of action is to ignore her completely, treat her like she doesnt exist, and pay attention to her friends/other girls


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## Tugwahquah (Apr 13, 2011)

:haha This is gonna be a gender war, cause guys do it too.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

Probably because they do like you at least a little, but not in a way you want them to like you. Maybe they feel bad about it too.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

watashi said:


> Probably because they do like you at least a little, but not in a way you want them to like you. Maybe they feel bad about it too.


 thats what im talking about right there!!!!! you either like me or you dnt.What makes a girl think that that would make me feel better


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Guys do it, too...it's a standard line when breaking up with somebody, especially when you're young.
Your best bet is to treat her as if she's dead...easier said than done, of course.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

i would ssimply just stop talking to a girl if we broke i -- i wouldnt say "oh well we can still be friends" thats sorta like slow torture isnt it?


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

olschool said:


> i would ssimply just stop talking to a girl if we broke i -- i wouldnt say "oh well we can still be friends" thats sorta like slow torture isnt it?


You might do it that way and there are girls who would do it that way, too.
You just fell in love with a girl who isn't like that...she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but she wants to minimize the impact on you, the best way she knows how. And since you openly love her, and she's only human, of course she probably wants you to be around in case her ego ever needs a boost.

So, don't be that guy. She's not forcing you to be her friend, she's saying you can be in her life if you want, when she wants. She's not forcing you into anything, so pick up your broken heart, and leave her alone...literally. 
You can do it!


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

It is trying to end on good terms, she may not be able to help not feeling one way about you but still likes you as a person. I live with the guy I used to go out with and we are still friends.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

the cheat said:


> You might do it that way and there are girls who would do it that way, too.
> You just fell in love with a girl who isn't like that...she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but she wants to minimize the impact on you, the best way she knows how. And since you openly love her, and she's only human, of course she probably wants you to be around in case her ego ever needs a boost.
> 
> So, don't be that guy. She's not forcing you to be her friend, she's saying you can be in her life if you want, when she wants. She's not forcing you into anything, so pick up your broken heart, and leave her alone...literally.
> You can do it!


 i dnt understand all of that-- maybe its they way im built but it seems a bit cruel to me


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

olschool said:


> i dnt understand all of that-- maybe its they way im built but it seems a bit cruel to me


Perhaps it is, I'm not saying it isn't. But she's probably thinking it would be even more cruel to tell you she has no feelings for you, isn't thinking about you, doesn't want you in her life(except when she wants that ego boost), etc.

Breaking up with somebody who is crazy about you, it's going to make you seem cruel to them no matter what you do...she doesn't want to hurt you anymore than she has to, at least consciously.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

olschool said:


> thats what im talking about right there!!!!! you either like me or you dnt.What makes a girl think that that would make me feel better


Then you should tell them you don't want to be friends. It sucks to be rejected I get that, but friendship offer is actually a compliment if they really mean it. It doesn't necessarily mean you're unattractive, there is just no chemistry. Chemistry works in funny ways sometimes.


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## RockBottomRiser (Jun 5, 2011)




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## Cynical (Aug 23, 2011)

No, its not funny. because the women I've met don't want to be friends when I want to stay friends with them after THEY break my heart...


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

They do it to offload some of the guilt. Pretty simple.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

That's pretty normal...as others have said, both men AND women do this.

A lot of people do remain friends after a break up. Some relationships end on good terms. Not every breakup is a gut-wrenching, heartbreak fest. Sometimes people just realize that they like the other person, but not in "that way". And so they want to remain friends. Sometimes the friendship lasts and sometimes it doesn't.

The intention is not to "twist the knife deeper" but to remain civil and mature about it. No one is ever required to remain friends with an ex if they don't feel comfortable doing so.


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## Hybrid0fSouls (Aug 25, 2011)

Guys do it too, in case you didn't know.
I've actually dated a guy who said right from the beginning of the relationship, "Even if this doesn't work out, I want to remain friends no matter what". We haven't spoken since the breakup. XD Oh, we were doomed from the start... lol


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

Yeah, guys do it too. I've done it :b


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

Zeeshan said:


> Its because they think its gonna make you feel better. *Also many of them figures he likes me, so better to have him around, incase i need help with my homework, or need my dog walked, or just want men around me to make me look treasured and wanted*


This is so true :no. And I don't think guys do *this*


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## Cynical (Aug 23, 2011)

Hybrid0fSouls said:


> Guys do it too, in case you didn't know.
> I've actually dated a guy who said right from the beginning of the relationship, "Even if this doesn't work out, I want to remain friends no matter what". We haven't spoken since the breakup. XD Oh, we were doomed from the start... lol


I told that to a girl once but she was the one who broke my heart in the end. it was pretty awful yet I wanted to keep my word to remain good friends.... she thought otherwise, the interesting part is she was the one who broke it off (among other things) I still wanted to remain friends yet she avoids me talk about stupid.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

I am sure guys do it too, but it is a much more common trait among women. 

I hate that this place so scared of things turning into a gender war that we can't even have adult conversations about what are things that men generally do and what are thing women generally do.

I would assume that for guys "clean breaks" would be much more common than the "let's just be friends." Guys tend to break up with a girl without even telling her he broke up with her. The number one complaint I hear from women about guys who break their hearts is "he did not give me closer."

Yes women do this too, but I think it is more common with guys.

As for the "let's just be friends." I believe most women (and men) who do this do it as a misguided way to lessen their guilt. She realize the other person is not a bad person and did nothing inherently wrong but she just don't like them. But she doesn't want to be the "bad guy" so she says "let's be friends" which flips the cards on the other person.

With 4 words "let's just be friends" she has made herself the good guy, because she is the one saying "we can have a relationship." Whether or not she means it is debatable but suddenly the ball is in your court BUT if you say "no" it's like you are bad guy. 

"Ah Ha see, even though I broke up with you/would not date you/broke your heart, I want to be in a relationship with you. But you are the one turning ME down, so this is really all your fault, I'm the good guy, your the bad guy."

The truth is if a girl (or guy) really wanted to be the "good guy" they would be the "bad guy." 

It's counterintuitive but the best way to break someone's heart is to let them feel sad and mad and angry at you for doing it. Don't confuse them by trying to be their friend while they are still upset, just because it makes you feel better.


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## Hybrid0fSouls (Aug 25, 2011)

Cynical said:


> I told that to a girl once but she was the one who broke my heart in the end. it was pretty awful yet I wanted to keep my word to remain good friends.... she thought otherwise, the interesting part is she was the one who broke it off (among other things) I still wanted to remain friends yet she avoids me talk about stupid.


 Yeah that sounds familiar to me. I always just want to be friends with everybody, I hate how you always end up enemies pretty much.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

Hybrid0fSouls said:


> Yeah that sounds familiar to me. I always just want to be friends with everybody, I hate how you always end up enemies pretty much.


why would you think a guy would wanna be your friend after you break up with him?opcorn


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## Hybrid0fSouls (Aug 25, 2011)

hmnut said:


> I am sure guys do it too, but it is a much more common trait among women.
> 
> I hate that this place so scared of things turning into a gender war that we can't even have adult conversations about what are things that men generally do and what are thing women generally do.
> 
> ...


It's going to turn into a gender war no matter what. It should just end up a "personality war" because the fine line between what men do/should do and what women do/should do is severely blurred. Mentioning what's common/uncommon among men & women is equally stupid unless you go up and poll tons of people. Everyone handles situations somewhat differently, and any person can act a certain way. For example, not all women are clingy and not all men just want a clean break. Everyone's situation & how they react is different.


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## Hybrid0fSouls (Aug 25, 2011)

olschool said:


> why would you think a guy would wanna be your friend after you break up with him?opcorn


I wouldn't.
I was talking more from my side of things where things just didn't work out and he called it quits or we both just agreed on it.


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## Syndacus (Aug 9, 2011)

Humans do it because they know that you're vulnerable and weak, so they want to keep you in their grasp, yet not really be friends with you until they find someone else, then they blow you off completely. It's a power thing and something that both sides do to screw each other over. 

Going through the same crap right now, and I'm about to burn the bridge, and tell her to go **** herself.


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## Cashew (May 30, 2010)

I have a male friend who is currently dating his bestfriend ONLY because she wanted to be together and he didn't want to lose her as a friend. Not a good loving relationship but neither of them would be happier without their bestfriend


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

Siringo said:


> I try to stay friends because I don't like losing people. Sometimes you really like someone and it's a mistake to date but you don't want to kick them out of your life.


You know thats exactly what my ex said to me and i really just dont understand it.. Im just apauld!!


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

Hybrid0fSouls said:


> It's going to turn into a gender war no matter what. It should just end up a "personality war" because the fine line between what men do/should do and what women do/should do is severely blurred. Mentioning what's common/uncommon among men & women is equally stupid unless you go up and poll tons of people. Everyone handles situations somewhat differently, and any person can act a certain way. *For example, not all women are clingy and not all men just want a clean break*. Everyone's situation & how they react is different.


And for example, I never said they do. I never said ALL women do anything nor did I say ALL men do anything. Nor did I say women never want a clean break or that men never want to just befriend.

In fact I specifically said that both, do both. I just said what I have noticed to be more common with one rather than the other. Could I be wrong? Sure, but quoting someone without reading the post you are quoting is equally stupid.

But regardless of gender, it is still the hight of hubris to suggest friendship right after breaking someone's heart. It is manipulative and somewhat controlling to suggest that my feelings are more valuable than the feelings of the person I hurt.

Me: I still want to be friends.

Them: Well after you broke my heart, I want to jump down off a tall building into a vat of lava. I also kind of want to push YOU into the lava first.... So maybe after I get over these feelings we can revisit this whole "friendship" thing.

Not to say friendship CAN'T work, but that's really the worst possible time to ask someone "hey let's be friends."

Look at it this way, let's say on Wednesday my best friend offers to give me $5 next week so I can buy a gift for my mom, then on Thursday we play poker and I clean him out of $2,000. It would be in really bad form for me to leave his house after the poker game going "oh so when can I get that $5."

The least I could do is give him a day or two to get over the lost, but what I really should do is just forget the $5, and let him decide on his own if he is okay with giving me the $5.

By me asking him five seconds after I hurt his bank account, it's like I hurt his pride twice. Like I am saying him losing $200 isn't as important as me getting $5.


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## loquaciousintrovert (May 23, 2011)

Not sure why other women do it, I sure don't. Then again, I don't really have any relationships to men outside of my family members... *shrugs*

I wouldn't ever do it.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

Their intentions are good. The girls are telling you indirectly that they are not attracted to you, but that they like you as a person, and would genuinely like to be friends. If you take them up on this and they are sincere about what they are saying, then you might be able to meet their other female friends just by being friends with them. 

If you drop your perception of them as cute, and just treat them like a friend I think you could even practice your communication with girls with her just by hanging out every once in a while.


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

olschool said:


> "we can still be friends though"


Let me translate this for you: I am looking for someone better (richer, taller, more muscular, handsome), but there is a possibility that I may not be able to find one (or this guy that I just met might not be serious), so let's keep in touch.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

proximo20 said:


> Let me translate this for you: I am looking for someone better (richer, taller, more muscular, handsome), but there is a possibility that I may not be able to find one (or this guy that I just met might not be serious), so let's stay in touch.


Here's another possible translation: I don't necessarily want to be your friend and I may or may not think you're an ***, but since I don't know you that well and I'm not 100% sure what you're capable of, I'd rather end this on a good note. That way, if something violent does happen in my near future at least no one can tell me I've brought this upon myself.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

proximo20 said:


> Let me translate this for you: I am looking for someone better (richer, taller, more muscular, handsome), but there is a possibility that I may not be able to find one (or this guy that I just met might not be serious), so let's keep in touch.


Or, you know, they actually DO want to be friends.

Seriously you guys, not everything everyone does has some under-handed ulterior motive. Life is not a movie script where all the players act like cliched caricatures from soap operas. Women are not evil creatures of darkness that are out to get you. Sometimes relationships end and the other person feels badly about it so they extend the hand of friendship as a peace offering.

Holy cannoli this thread. :no


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## sansd (Mar 22, 2006)

If I liked someone enough to try a relationship with them, then I like them enough to want them in my life even if a relationship isn't working. It would be terrible to completely lose a person I'd been close to just for that reason.

I wouldn't say it, though. Someone I'm in a relationship with should be my friend before anything else, so I'd just expect it.


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## i just want luv (Feb 13, 2011)

and they dont even mean it half the time. its like "I dont love you, but let me tell you how much I do... its not how much you want me too. i'm degrading you, I want to put this label on your forehead." next thing you know their too good for you and want nothing to do with you anyway.
Then when they find someone else their all in your face again.


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## Elleire (Jul 24, 2011)

au Lait said:


> Or, you know, they actually DO want to be friends.
> 
> Seriously you guys, not everything everyone does has some under-handed ulterior motive. Life is not a movie script where all the players act like cliched caricatures from soap operas. Women are not evil creatures of darkness that are out to get you. Sometimes relationships end and the other person feels badly about it so they extend the hand of friendship as a peace offering.
> 
> Holy cannoli this thread. :no


Hear, hear!

and now I want a cannoli.


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## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

Probably because they really like you as a person but they just aren't attracted to you in that way. But it doesn't mean they don't care about you and want you in their life.


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## RockBottomRiser (Jun 5, 2011)

Serious answer. To appease their conscience and have a fall back plan. My advice?


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## Blue Bird (Jun 28, 2004)

Tugwahquah said:


> :haha This is gonna be a gender war, cause guys do it too.


Sure do...been there.


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## Blue Bird (Jun 28, 2004)

Bluepanda said:


> I know quite a few people that have remained good friends, sometimes best friends after a relationship. Just because you no longer love someone in that way doesn't mean you no longer care about them or consider them a friend.
> 
> I don't really understand why people get so hostile and cold after a breakup, Understandable if it was a harsh breakup caused due to abusive arguments , cheating or anything like that.
> 
> But alot of people just grow apart and fall out of love naturally, it's nobodies fault and just happens. It's unfair and selfish to be angry and bitter towards someone for that.


Well for me, I still cared for the person that broke up with me. His feeling weren't as strong as mine for him. I felt love (I think) and I don't think he felt anything like that. I still was attracted to him, but he didn't want to be with me romantically and wanted to be friends. It's like seeing something you can't have. That's what hurts for me. I'm a little better about it all now though.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

olschool said:


> Come one girls whats with that seriously!!!!Ive been tryin to figure this out for months now-- They break your heart and then they are like-- "we can still be friends though"- and im like " are you kidding me?!" seriously man can they twist the knife a lil harder


I've been fed that same crap before. That's not a big enough band-aid to stop the bleeding. When a girl does that, it's time for her to scram and leave me in peace.


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## tropic (May 28, 2011)

My ex-bf wanted to stay friends and hang out like we used to before breaking up like nothing ever happened. So yeah, guys...girls...both genders do that (I'm not supporting another gender war, btw!)

I dunno why. In some cases, it's probably possible to stay friends, but I believe it takes some time. Or not...it depends on a lot of things.


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

au Lait said:


> Or, you know, they actually DO want to be friends.
> 
> Seriously you guys, not everything everyone does has some under-handed ulterior motive. *Life is not a movie script where all the players act like cliched caricatures from soap operas. Women are not evil creatures of darkness that are out to get you.* Sometimes relationships end and the other person feels badly about it so they extend the hand of friendship as a peace offering.
> 
> Holy cannoli this thread. :no


Sometimes this is very hard to believe though :lol, even though you are right. It's just not at all what we want to hear so we're frustrated and hurt and we make it a bigger deal than it is. Also sometimes the only reason we befriend a girl is because we have a crush on them, then when they reject you and say "let's be friends", we translate that as "no, but if I don't find anyone else I'll keep you around *puts leash on around your neck*".


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## incito (Oct 12, 2011)

Maybe she just likes you better as a friend than as a girlfriend.


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## rgrwng (Aug 25, 2011)

i always thought that being put in the friend-zone was a way of them saying, "nice try, but your not quite datable yet." as if it were to help us get better as a person to try again, maybe?

i got friend-zoned last year, but it hasn't made me bitter or anything - i just assume i am not ready for that, yet.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

When I was dumped, and the girl pushed continuing the "friendship," she could never understand why I was so unreceptive. (Or, at least, she pretended not to). After thinking about it, my own reason became perfectly clear. *If she didn't have any hangups or emotional difficulty in transitioning straight from GF/BF to friends, then clearly she never felt anything to begin with.* That made me extremely angry, and in fact made me dislike her as a person.

Girls, if you're going to extend that offer of friendship, at least wait a couple months or something. Otherwise, you're really just kicking us when we're down. At least if you say, "I want to break up, and let's keep our distance for awhile," it leaves open the possibility that it's actually the slightest bit difficult for you, no matter how slim that possibility may be.


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## Slytherclaw (Jul 16, 2011)

In my experience with boyfriends (albeit slightly limited) it's always the other way around... I break up with him and don't want to be friends, because I figure we both need time apart, but he wants to be friends again immediately.  I usually just try to do the avoiding thing, and if that doesn't work, tell him straight up to gtfo...haha


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## Odd Times (Jul 27, 2011)

Being friends with a girl who turned you down does not make any sense at all because those feelings are always going to be there. Just came to this realization a few days ago. I'm still trying to meet a girl who won't pull that BS with me.


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## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

I had a friend who dated a good friend only to find she wasn't attracted to him, and she regretted it because it did hurt their friendship when they broke up. She missed it and wanted that friendship back, but there was tension. A year after breaking up and they finally returned to being good friends.


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