# Gone for over five years, here's my progress...



## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I doubt there's too many people here that were around back when I was active on this forum, but I thought I'd stop by to share my story and maybe give some hope to those of you that are in a bad place. When I first joined SAS, I was in art school back in Chicago. I remember very clearly the feeling of struggling socially. I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis.

I had plenty of opportunities to make friends and build relationships, but as much as I wanted, I couldn't connect with people in a meaningful way. I had a poor self image that put me in a cycle of reaching out to people, feeling vulnerable and then isolating. But I was trying... I was going through a never-ending process of reinventing myself. Honestly, I embarrassed myself a lot... But it was necessary. There's some wisdom in the saying "fake it until you make it". People could spot my inauthenticity when I was faking it, but it helped me to go out into the world, experiment and learn what it was to be authentic with people. When my nerves got to me and I locked up, I learned more about how to cope in those situations. It's important not to avoid things that make you uncomfortable... Try again and tackle them in a different way next time.

Despite my efforts, I still went through long phases of severe depression and loneliness. I decided it was time for a change and I moved to California. Something about moving to a new place changed the way I saw myself. I took up lots of hobbies, taking music lessons and practicing MMA. I made myself interesting by doing interesting things and it gave me something to talk about... This gave me confidence to approach people in an open way, and it made all the difference. That said, nothing's ever perfect. I still had embarrassing moments, I still got hurt... I still do. You never stop growing.

Another thing that gave me great confidence was women. I think the biggest obstacle I had with relationships was that I over romanticized them. And honestly, I wish things were the way I imagined them as a kid... But I needed to embrace reality so that I could be successful. It's too easy to fall in love... Being too invested in a girl too early is a huge mistake. It took too many painful lessons for me to learn that the game isn't over after a girl sleeps with you. Play it cool for a few months, wait for the emotional intimacy to develop and see if you can be vulnerable together. If not, move on. Quick. As harsh as it is, I attribute my success with women to my willingness to walk away.

I'm still the same person I always was. The only difference is that I've gained experience. I'm no longer on medication, I no longer need therapy. I'm not afraid anymore. I have a good group of supporting friends and a loving girlfriend of two years. My life's not perfect but I have the basics down. If I could give my old self any piece of advice, it would be to work on yourself. Discover new interests. Being great at something is like having a well of confidence to draw upon. Be the most interesting person you know. Do your thing and keep trying, and with a little luck things will fall into place.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

^^ congrats bro and welcome back.


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## mt moyt (Jul 29, 2015)

Dead Leaves said:


> Honestly, I embarrassed myself a lot... But it was necessary. There's some wisdom in the saying "fake it until you make it". People could spot my inauthenticity when I was faking it, but it helped me to go out into the world, experiment and learn what it was to be authentic with people. When my nerves got to me and I locked up, I learned more about how to cope in those situations. It's important not to avoid things that make you uncomfortable... Try again and tackle them in a different way next time.


thanks man, this was really encouraging!


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## afeerah (Dec 10, 2016)

Congrats to your progression, just maintain it. Effort will get you far in life, but I think you walking away from situations you know aren't worth your life's effort is great. Hope you're not hurting anyone in the process though.


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## January (Nov 16, 2016)

Congrats!


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks guys!

I'm a little bummed that few of my old friends are still active on here anymore... But I guess that's to be expected. Maybe we'll reconnect in the future. Still, it's funny how things here haven't changed much.

:drunk


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## Calix64 (May 22, 2014)

I am not an old user since I have only been here since 2014 but I will input what I think. While I am glad you found success socially and in relationships, this does show me a few things. First of all it shows me how much I would have to turn my life around in order to get women. It would be a drastic change that I honestly don't think I could make. I would first have to improve my economic situation in order to be able to afford to do the activities that you had to do to become interesting to women which will not be easy due to my lack of motivation. This also showed me that there is no way that a shy guy can get a woman, since you essentially became an alpha male to get women. I am six years younger than you, so essentially at around the point where you started to make the changes but I don't think I have it in me to do it. I don't know if it worth fighting for something so difficult. Other guys automatically were born with the correct personality and got women in their teens while I have to alter myself 180 degrees to do it. I don't know if it's worth it. If only people lived to 40 only, then I would be more than half done already with life.


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## Bogus (Jun 28, 2010)

> First of all it shows me how much I would have to turn my life around in order to get women. It would be a drastic change that I honestly don't think I could make. I would first have to improve my economic situation in order to be able to afford to do the activities that you had to do to become interesting to women which will not be easy due to my lack of motivation. This also showed me that there is no way that a shy guy can get a woman, since you essentially became an alpha male to get women. I am six years younger than you, so essentially at around the point where you started to make the changes but I don't think I have it in me to do it. I don't know if it worth fighting for something so difficult. Other guys automatically were born with the correct personality and got women in their teens while I have to alter myself 180 degrees to do it. I don't know if it's worth it. If only people lived to 40 only, then I would be more than half done already with life.


this is not what he said, and its not how it is. it is true that getting over sa and getting good with women is basically the same journey for most guys with sa, and that it is difficult (but not at all impossible) to get women if youre struggling with sa.

however, you dont need to become an "alpha male". you dont need to be ****ing james bond to get laid. take a look around. lots of very average, very non-alpha guys get into relationships. while being james bond probably helps, you are exaggerating things, much to your detriment.

the main reason why it doesnt work for many guys with sa is that your ability to connect with people is inhibited (just like the op wrote), and if you only learn that, and you dont need to become super awesome to do that either, you are basically set. ofc you would not want to stop there, just like the op didnt, because once you get better, you will notice just how much you *can* change.

this change doesnt happen all at once. its not like you have to turn your life around in one day and put in all the work in one day. it basically is just sticking to a plan for a long period, while putting in a bit of work every day - for example, when youre doing a cbt therapy program, you do some 30 minutes practice each day.

im kind of in the middle between the two of, having done cbt for 1,5 years now and having aqquired a women recently, while still being somewhat anxious and depressed. which cost me not a whole lot of money. in fact i didnt do anything that costs money to get to the point really.

since you are 6 years younger than the op, and a whopping 11 years younger than me, i can only advise you to stop bull****ting yourself. because if i had to kill you to be 11 years younger, i probably would. you are wasting your time. while technically its never too late to change, you dont wanna become 40 before you realize that actually you would have wanted to give it a shot.

and yes you do have it in you, and its worth it. its not even about trying to get women first and forenmost, its about becoming the real you, and not what sa makes you believe you are. you are not your sa. this is not your personality, its a bunch of lies that your brain believes because it was told to. you dont have to change your personality, you are just going to stop being someone you arent.


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