# Anyone is feel heartless?



## MaddAtheist (Apr 4, 2011)

I've always been uncomfortable around others. Usually for normal reasons like low self-confidence, but it's become more than that. I never know how to respond to people who just experienced a loss, or how to feel during tragic event like that of the Japan tsunami. I always feel like I need to fake an emotion that people would probably feel, unless I'm around people who know me. I would say understand me but nobody that I know is capable of that.

This "heartless"feeling I have goes back to when I was 12 and my grandmother died. She was the only grandparent I had and we were close I suppose, but on the night that she died; while all of my cousins were upset and crying, I just wanted to play monopoly. We were told by our parents to do something to try and take our minds off our grandmother's passing but none of the others would focus and play. Not once did I shed a tear for her loss...not that night or any other. 

I also do experience any empathy for those who lose homes or families in disasters. One of my most shameful heartless moments occured during the week after 9/11/01. I felt nothing for the families who lost loved ones...tue only thing that bothered me was that all baseball games were postponed for a week, and no football games that first Sunday after. 

Does anyone else ever feel the same as I do? If not do you have any ideas to help me gain the empathy, or as some have told me "the humanity that I lack", so I don't have to fake it or be an outsider?

Thanks


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## sparky10 (Dec 30, 2008)

Have you looked into schizoid disorder as this may apply to you??
this kind of thing can also be caused by depression and a general 
diassociation of you emotions to protect yourself. 
Social anxiety can also cause us to shut down emotions because they
are uncomfortable etc.


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## Jcq126 (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm in somewhat the same boat as you but mine is a bit different. I can cry and what not but only if it directly affects me, I don't really care usually. I only felt bad for the Japanese because I like Asian people, but the other natural disasters I don't care about (I know that sounds horrible lol). My main problem is i've come to realize (I was hoping it would pass as I got older) is that I really don't care about people. I have friends and people who like me but I usually can't be bothered to hang out with anyone it feels like a chore, I also hate leaving my house or working because the thought of interacting with people is so annoying I just want to be left alone. After meeting with a group of guys from SAS they were shocked I had SA and like didn't even believe I had it, but I think my anxiety doesn't come from fear of people because I don't give a **** about anybody, it seems more like I get anxiety at the thought of being forced to be a member of society because I just want to be left alone. Do you feel the same way TS? Not afraid of people, but more anxiety from being FORCED to be apart of this world and society?


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## Fozz (Apr 6, 2011)

Yes I feel the same, although I feel empathy with people in bad situations it's more intellectual than emotional, it doesn't make me want to cry or anything, and if I think about it I get depressed rather than sad.
When I was younger I always ended relationships easily, although I felt guilty at the time it soon passed. A relative of mine said I wasn't " warm hearted", I guess that sums it up. 
I would love to be more emotional, but having been this way all my life don't think I can change now! I do fake appropriate responses to sad events and find it very hard to know the "right thing" to say in these situations.
The weird thing is that I cry at sad music and films!!
I suppose I comfort myself by saying that at least I don't hurt people myself, I never argue or do anything spiteful to people and hate gossip. It feels worse being like this as a woman because we are supposed to be the warm caring sex - I do have two daughters and love them but I'm not really demonstrative with affection, we don't hug much or say we love each other. I think some of us just have muted emotional responses, and it doesn't make us bad people


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I'm very similar but it doesn't really bother me because I know I am compassionate and sensitive in many ways. Anyway, why would you need to fake it? I just stay quiet and no one knows.

Try the Empathy Quotient. I'd be interested in your score. I always score in the mid teens. I've always been this way but you imply yours was more recent.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I'm a pretty warm and sympathetic person,but if I'm in a situation where it is EXPECTED then I find I'm often unable to feel much of anything. However,once I've had a painful experience myself then I automatically feel for someone else in that same situation. Growing up my family was very unemotional and cold,I've often thought if Id never had kids I might wonder if I lacked the ability to really connect and fully love at all. Having kids answered that question,but I still wonder about it in all other facets of my life.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Yes, my best friend's father died and I felt nothing and I knew him. I was just ticked off that I wouldn't have anybody to hang out with when I'm bored. Even when relatives die, I feel nothing. I don't even feel guilty. I think funerals are stupid. Having said that if my immediate family died (brother, wife, parents) I think I would be confused and sad. I may get sad particularly because I will see people crying and stuff although I'm not sure. Sometimes when people cry I get very angry at them because they make me feel uncomfortable. Having said that, I think I tend to be more moral than most people because I rationalize that empathy is a good thing. Not sure if this makes sense.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Just wanted to add something.- I think I understand what Kon is saying.- In my family,strong emotions were frowned upon.- At funerals I very often feel nothing but discomfort at being a witness to such strong emotion.- Afterwards,when alone the sadness will hit me but seldom when others are around.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Still Waters said:


> Afterwards,when alone the sadness will hit me but seldom when others are around.


Yes, I don't feel that sadness, illness should be shared with others. It's kinda personal to reflect upon by myself when alone. I also hate it when I'm sick for people to comfort me. I don't understand this obsession with sharing feelings/emotions with others. It makes me feel like vomiting. I can't stand all these talk shows with these people needing to spew stuff out about feelings in front of others/groups. I didn't like group therapy for the same reason, but I found it useful because I didn't have a good understanding of myself/thoughts like most people do. I think I have a weak theory of "myself"/emotions if that makes sense? Maybe that's why many of us seem heartless?


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## Jcq126 (Jan 11, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> I'm very similar but it doesn't really bother me because I know I am compassionate and sensitive in many ways. Anyway, why would you need to fake it? I just stay quiet and no one knows.
> 
> Try the Empathy Quotient. I'd be interested in your score. I always score in the mid teens. I've always been this way but you imply yours was more recent.


Interesting test.

Your score: 28
0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)
33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)
53 - 63 is above average
64 - 80 is very high
80 is maximum


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## OriginalMix (Apr 7, 2011)

Don't let people make you feel like a freak for being human when they are probably being fake. When 9/11 happened kids at my school laughed and I know people who are glad the earthquake hit Japan. Yeah it's messed up but so is humanity.


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## sparky10 (Dec 30, 2008)

Your score: 33
0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)
33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)
53 - 63 is above average
64 - 80 is very high
80 is maximum

an interesting test:yes


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I was thinking about this a bit more.-This is just my experience-Most non-SAers tend to be a LOT more in tune to others feelings-They seem to automatically tune in to others moods and feelings,especially within a group and quickly be on the same wave length. - One person crying and emotional and suddenly the whole group follows suit. I tend to really feel a barrier between myself and others when this happens.- I always feel surprised,shocked and more of an observer than anything else. And yes,I often feel lacking in basic human warmth and compassion at these times.


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## Donatello (Mar 22, 2011)

Don't let anyone tell you this is some kind of disorder, it's not. This is pretty common, and as people with OBSESSIONS over our anxiety we're used to being pretty selfish. We obsess over our moods more than anything else. In any given situation, the first thing we think is either "how am I going to cope?", "what do they think of me?" or "I hate this". 

So as soon as something happens to someone else, it's so far outside our self-judging reality that we've never really stopped to wonder if others go through their own problems.

Focus on sorting your self out and then your feelings will return. It's all good.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Donatello said:


> Don't let anyone tell you this is some kind of disorder, it's not. This is pretty common, and as people with OBSESSIONS over our anxiety we're used to being pretty selfish. We obsess over our moods more than anything else. In any given situation, the first thing we think is either "how am I going to cope?", "what do they think of me?" or "I hate this".


For myself, I'm pretty sure it hasn't much to do with my anxiety. Maybe my introversion/asperger's? I don't think I feel much for people unless they are very close to me. And even then I don't like to get too close with them. I feel kinda icky (I don't know a better word). As I'm been violated or having my personal space encroached. Maybe it's because our emotions are too great and our systems just shut off to protect us? It's like our barrier between us and the outside world is so thin that we need this barrier to protect us? Then again, I could be full of it, I'm not sure. I don't understand this stuff very well.


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## NumeroUno (Oct 23, 2009)

I'm pretty much the same. I don't feel no remorse whatsoever when it comes to human tragedy. Like I know deep down if either one of my parents died...I'd just use it as a excuse for my SA and feel barely any remorse. I know that sounds harsh but it's just fact. My grandparents died and I got told when I was in work because my dad worked at the same place as me and they were all for me going home but I just sat there like...''why? i'm fine''.

Animals on the other hand, animal cruelty hurts.


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## Donatello (Mar 22, 2011)

Kon said:


> For myself, I'm pretty sure it hasn't much to do with my anxiety. Maybe my introversion/asperger's? I don't think I feel much for people unless they are very close to me. And even then I don't like to get too close with them. I feel kinda icky (I don't know a better word). As I'm been violated or having my personal space encroached. Maybe it's because our emotions are too great and our systems just shut off to protect us? It's like our barrier between us and the outside world is so thin that we need this barrier to protect us? Then again, I could be full of it, I'm not sure. I don't understand this stuff very well.


Yeah, you got it. It comes from the same place. The emotional strain of introversion, that's what i'm talkin bout brah.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

NumeroUno said:


> I'm pretty much the same. I don't feel no remorse whatsoever when it comes to human tragedy. Like I know deep down if either one of my parents died...I'd just use it as a excuse for my SA and feel barely any remorse. I know that sounds harsh but it's just fact. My grandparents died and I got told when I was in work because my dad worked at the same place as me and they were all for me going home but I just sat there like...''why? i'm fine''.
> 
> Animals on the other hand, animal cruelty hurts.


Yeah, I'm much more sympathetic to animal cruelty than to human tragedy usually.

People say they are genuinely heartbroken over national/international tragedies but I don't know how much they really can be. There's only a certain amount of empathy we are capable of, and how close we are (physically) to the victim(s) has a lot to do with how much we feel for them in a lot of cases.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

odd_one_out said:


> I'm very similar but it doesn't really bother me because I know I am compassionate and sensitive in many ways. Anyway, why would you need to fake it? I just stay quiet and no one knows.
> 
> Try the Empathy Quotient. I'd be interested in your score. I always score in the mid teens. I've always been this way but you imply yours was more recent.


Interesting, I got a 53... I like these little tests.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

I've done this test many times and I always get low scores:

Your score: 14


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