# Should I stay with him?



## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Personally I think when people start threads with these titles they usually know the answer to the question.

I got a little confused with the first description of the issue at hand regarding who calls who. Anyway, strangers can't tell you what to do. Your closest friends can't even tell you what is best. It doesn't look good on paper, that's for sure, but the only ones in a position to judge a relationship are the couple. To me you seem unhappy and I don't see any listed qualities or reasons you'd want to stay with him. Long distance is hard for even stable and happy couples so I think it's worth considering the idea of finding someone else. Someone who will make you happy and not critique you. Oh, and wanting to be with you is kind of important.


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## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

> which he said made him so mad he wanted to punch the wall


The guy has anger issues. The above quote is not a healthy reaction to anything! What if, instead of the wall, he feels like punching you? He sounds unstable at best...and over reacted at some of the things you said. You don't deserve someone who treats you like this...what is his excuse?



> I stayed up last night baking cookies for him to take in with him and so I didn't get in bed until 2:30AM.


This is so sweet of you, and tells me that you are too good for your b/f. He doesn't deserve someone like you, he deserves someone who will treat him the same way he treats you. 
Kick this sorry excuse for a man to the curb and don't look back. You don't need someone like him.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

I would agree with Seafolly that we can't really tell you what to do but I'll just share my opinion just from what you have mentioned. If you are considering attempting to salvage the relationship, have you considered talking to him about what's going on? It seems like hes exhibiting a behaviour change. Is he stressed about life or what is really bothering him about the relationship because the critiquing and then bringing up past issues seem really superficial and don't attack the root of whatever is bothering him. However, I don't think that whatever he is going through excuses the way he treats you. As the saying goes, its okay to fight for your relationship but you can't be the only one whose willing to fight to save it. He doesn't appreciate you and definitely isn't respecting you - what kind of partner intentionally hurts their loved ones? 

As Seafolly said, I think you already have made up your mind anyways as to what to do. You seem unhappy and I wouldn't blame you. Keep in mind that you should be with someone who knows your worth and appreciates you and respects you. I'm not saying your relationship will share the same fate as mine. But I've been in a similar situation, with the whole criticizing and walking on eggshells and at some point you realize you've just done too much for someone, so you just got to stop. And you realize that things are only going to get worse if you stay. It's unfortunate but sometimes we must let people go so they can realize what they've taken for granted and also for them to grow up. And I wouldn't bother holding onto someone who doesn't seem to care about losing you.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

It looks as though you don't put your foot down or assert yourself enough and have become involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. Let's be clear he's the perpetrator here. However certain behaviours can exacerbate the problem. Reacting with sadness and crying at his comments probably reinforces within him a sense of control. He also knows you're there no matter how badly he upsets or lets you down. There are no consequences for him. You'll always have cookies ready. Don't blame yourself, however - asserting boundaries is largely a learned skill.

If you're going to stay in the relationship, you'll have to assert yourself more. However from the description I suspect he's an abusive character and you'll likely be putting yourself more at risk by staying or just wasting your time. There are assertiveness methods you can investigate. If you're afraid of his angry outbursts, it's a warning signal, so make sure you're in a safe place when you test them out. Unfortunately it's a skill that takes a lot of practise and continues to develop over a lifetime.

If any decision to leave doesn't work, don't beat yourself up about it - the strongest people can end up unable to leave such relationships or can take years to reach that point. If I had a daughter I'd educate her on this issue - abuse in relationships is pretty common. Maybe reading others' stories and the research on this subject will provide a good insight.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

Beware men with anger issues, nice guys will always treat you better. This guy sounds kind of crappy so you could probably do for an upgrade.


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## Katelyn1236 (Jul 10, 2012)

He doesnt sound to good for you since he keeps hurting you


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

get the **** outta there!


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## godhelpme2 (Apr 4, 2012)

wow. i feel like i'm reading my own relationship. let me tell you, i know it sucks. I don't really have advice because i am in the same situation as you. but i hope guys realize that when you treat your girlfriend like the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe, it won't take long before they will be looking elsewhere.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Your boyfriend sounds like how I was acting as my first relationship was coming to an end(I was 18, it started when we were 15). Every little thing she did made me extremely angry. Now that I've matured and can look back, it was 100% me, not her. You should do what my girlfriend at the time should have done, but was too afraid to do...end it. And soon. Like, yesterday.


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## roseblood (Mar 1, 2010)

Oh, dear. You must do what’s hard. It may tear you apart, but it is the best thing to do. You deserve to be loved endlessly, dear… x


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## Whatev (Feb 6, 2012)

He sounds toxic, it'd be better if you went your separate ways. Tho you probably don't think it now but you'll thank yourself later.


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

Dump him, you could find a better guy, this dude sounds like a scum bag. Cmon, he doesn't even have a phone? he probably has one but it's for his other gf or something. Seriously, dump him and move on, you're a good looking girl and will have no problem finding someone else who will treat you right


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## sonicrainboom (Apr 11, 2010)

He has anger issues, you don't need him. I think he wants to break up with you but doesn't want to initiate it so he looks for any dumb excuse to say it's your fault that he doesn't want to see you.


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## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate every one who is taking the time to comment on this. It's hard to see things outside of the little bubble you live in, but the multiple perspectives on here are helping me to see things differently. 

Just an update, I finally talked to my boyfriend on the phone after laying low for a couple of days while I was thinking things over. 

My boyfriend thinks nothing he did was wrong and defended his every action. I had no trouble noticing he was only focused on his own feelings in the situation and not mine. I tried to tell him how it made me feel when he drove back to the city, ignoring my calls and not attempting to resolve the minor issue we had. But he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he did because he said we would have spent the whole time arguing anyway because he would have to drive his point across. When I asked him why he didn't attempt to resolve the issue, he said he didn't want to resolve it. He said as soon as I made a comment about him not wanting to spend the most time possible with him, he said "screw it." This definitely makes me feel that he dosen't care very much about me. 

In our conversation, I felt like he wasn't listening to a thing I was saying, but had already pondered everything over and concluded his actions were right and justified. He wasn't budging or being swayed at all to my belief that he overreacted. 

Because he wasn't listening to me and saying that he stands by what he did, I said I don't know if this is going to work out between us if things like this keep happening. He ignored that statement, said "I have to go, goodnight" and hung up before I had a chance to say anything. He frequently hangs up on me in phone conversations whenever I say something he doesn't like. 

I do know that I need to be more assertive and much less passive. This relationship is not making me feel valued because I know he shows little respect for me. In a way, I know I have created this situation for myself by letting people walk over me. I want so badly to be stronger and to stand up for myself and make boundaries that I won't let anyone cross!


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

End. It. Now.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

He is an abusive piece of ****. Dump.


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## JGreenwood (Jan 28, 2011)

Dump him. He's a jerk.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

I had the impression that it was between teenagers, based on the way he's acting.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

beothuck1 said:


> Thanks again, for all the comments. I don't know if it's of any relevance, but my boyfriend is 32 and I am 25. He has had at least one other long-term relationship before, but this is my first long-term relationship.


This being your first long-term relationship is of very significant relevance.
My first long-term relationship was 3 years long(it was her first, too), but should have ended after the first year...it didn't because neither of us knew how to let go. The last 2 years were mostly very unhappy, abusive, etc.

You simply don't know how to let go. He is emotionally punching you in the face...please stand up for yourself.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

seafolly said:


> Personally I think when people start threads with these titles they usually know the answer to the question.
> 
> I got a little confused with the first description of the issue at hand regarding who calls who. Anyway, strangers can't tell you what to do. Your closest friends can't even tell you what is best. It doesn't look good on paper, that's for sure, but the only ones in a position to judge a relationship are the couple. To me you seem unhappy and I don't see any listed qualities or reasons you'd want to stay with him. Long distance is hard for even stable and happy couples so I think it's worth considering the idea of finding someone else. Someone who will make you happy and not critique you. Oh, and wanting to be with you is kind of important.


Great post worth quoting.



beothuck1 said:


> Thanks again, for all the comments. I don't know if it's of any relevance, but my boyfriend is 32 and I am 25. He has had at least one other long-term relationship before, but this is my first long-term relationship.


Sadly just because you're 32, that doesn't mean you can't be as immature and selfish as a small child.



beothuck1 said:


> As someone said, it is not easy to leave such a relationship, even if it has gotten abusive, or maybe was abusive from the start and I just didn't realize it. I grew up with a similar family dynamic. My mother always asked my father before she did anything if she was allowed to do it. I do know that I need to be more assertive and much less passive. This relationship is not making me feel valued because I know he shows no respect for me. In a way, I know I have created this situation for myself by letting people walk over me. I want so badly to be stronger and to stand up for myself and make boundaries.


First, let me say that I'm really sorry that you're in such a painful situation. It truly is hard, especially for people who deal with anxiety issues and low self esteem; we want to please people, and it is unfortunately in our nature to continue this even when it is no longer healthy, and people are trampling all over us. Especially after you've become so used to being stepped on, it can be very hard to finally be assertive, but good for you for finally standing up for yourself. Don't be hard on yourself because things didn't go swimmingly, there probably is nothing you could have done better, *but do appreciate that you did stand up for yourself!* Again, after years of being in a submissive relationship, what you did is not something that is easy to do, and beyond simply being happy with yourself, *realize that you can continue to do this, and that you don't have to let people walk all over you.*

Again, it's unfortunately in our nature to be passive, and it is is unrealistic to expect yourself to change overnight. Don't get down when you fail to stand up for yourself, but never give up when you do fail (you will), and instead just keep on trying. It will be very hard at first, but if you can keep it up, you'll see changes in yourself for the better, and it will get easier and easier to better yourself.

Anyways, enough motivational ranting .



godhelpme2 said:


> wow. i feel like i'm reading my own relationship. let me tell you, i know it sucks. I don't really have advice because i am in the same situation as you. but i hope guys realize that when you treat your girlfriend like the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe, it won't take long before they will be looking elsewhere.


You know you deserve better, and do you should go elsewhere. The only thing a guy or girl like this does is bring ruin to your self esteem. The longer you stay, the worse it'll make you feel about yourself, and the more depressed it will make you. Once relationship hit a point where you know you're worse off staying together (and the other person demonstrates they're unwilling to change), as hard as it can be to call it quits, that's what has to be done, and I'm sure you know it.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

beothuck1 said:


> *My boyfriend thinks nothing he did was wrong and defended his every action. I had no trouble noticing he was only focused on his own feelings in the situation and not mine.* I tried to tell him how it made me feel when he drove back to the city, ignoring my calls and not attempting to resolve the minor issue we had. But he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he did because he said we would have spent the whole time arguing anyway because he would have to drive his point across. When I asked him why he didn't attempt to resolve the issue, he said he didn't want to resolve it. He said as soon as I made a comment about him not wanting to spend the most time possible with him, he said "screw it." This definitely makes me feel that he dosen't care very much about me.
> 
> Because he wasn't listening to me and saying that he stands by what he did, I said I don't know if this is going to work out between us if things like this keep happening. He ignored that statement, said "I have to go, goodnight" and hung up before I had a chance to say anything. _*H**e frequently hangs up on me in phone conversations whenever I say something he doesn't like. Then he often takes the phone off the hook so I can't get ahold of him anymore. Him hanging up on me always leaves me feeling like a doormat that can be walked over. *_
> 
> As someone said, it is not easy to leave such a relationship, even if it has gotten abusive, or maybe was abusive from the start and I just didn't realize it. I grew up with a similar family dynamic. My mother always asked my father before she did anything if she was allowed to do it. *I do know that I need to be more assertive and much less passive. This relationship is not making me feel valued because I know he shows no respect for me. In a way, I know I have created this situation for myself by letting people walk over me. I want so badly to be stronger and to stand up for myself and make boundaries*.


That consistently defensive behaviour, the lack of attentively listening, tunnel-visioning to only his POV and the need to have the upper hand at any cost reminds me a lot of my ex. I constantly brought that to his attention and he would work on it occasionally but it was never consistent. I would say leave because it won't get any better and you may end up regretting wasting your time. Looking back, I wish I had let go sooner and apart of me was angry with myself for even putting up with it. From that experience I learned that even though you may express that you do not appreciate such behaviour, remaining in the relationship lets them know that you will continue to tolerate it. Also, if there is any hope that your hanging onto that he will change, accept the fact that he may never change. From the sounds of things, I would accept that things may just get worse if you stay. Post-break up, my ex apologized for everything and kept emphasizing how he's become a better person but it was evident that he was still defensive and justifying his actions so it just goes to show that people believe they have changed but it's superficial - some of them never grow up.

And sorry but seriously WTF at him unhooking the phone? That is so immature, I am in shock. It's already common courtesy to not hang up on someone, but really?

Also, you should definitely congratulate yourself for that last highlighted statement. You're already moving a step in the right direction. Don't be so hard on yourself, I think I read a statistic that apparently it takes a woman 7 times of leaving on average before she finally leaves the abusive relationship. It's hard to let go, it really is much easier said than done. A friend helped me realize this and I think you should keep this in mind too: The real punishment would be to spend a lifetime being with a person like that. The pain of losing him is temporary. And the best start to have a great relationship is to leave an abusive one. You deserve to be happy


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

beothuck1 said:


> Thanks again, for all the comments. I don't know if it's of any relevance, but my boyfriend is 32


I'd have definitely guessed around 17-23. Interesting.


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

Have you dumped him yet? when he gives you a black eye he's also gonna blame it on you and say his actions were justified. Dump him. If my gf was 2 hours away I'd be with her every other day if not every day.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Sounds like he's got you under his thumb, OP. That's really sad that you don't feel strong enough to leave him. He is a very manipulative person who's plan has worked. He wants to push your self esteem so far down that you will have no choice but to look up to him...for everything. That's how codependency starts. Read this article and ask yourself if it describes your relationship. http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

This is very sad, because there is someone out there waiting for you...who will love you and treat you like the wonderful person you are.


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## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks jsgt, I read the article and I could definitely see the links to my relationship.


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## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

He knows you're a better person than him. Trust me on this. I was the same ballbag as him 8 years ago.

His self-esteem is shot to **** and he's picking fault with you to make himself feel better.

Dump him. Be as cold and as clinical with it as you can. 
And then when he, inevitably, tries to get you back and promises to change tell him to "go suck a d**k".


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

John316C said:


> you know i know there is a lot of people who would like you to end your relationship - however i honestly believe this is a waste of time. i only read the original post and another post of yours here. nothing ive read is as terrible as you think. in fact i think its completely "normal". you've just spent 3 years of your life with this man. if you leave now thats 3 years gone and a broken heart. think about it. you have a problem - a big but common problem that can absolutely be corrected. men are like this, even i was, but i didnt know better, now ive studied and studied and learned so much i could change everything she thought was going wrong. infact everything was a communication problem. all you have to do is solve the problem. if you leave now 3 years are gone and theres no guarantee that the same thing will happen because you've taken your misunderstanding of men into a new relationship. same thing is going to happen. and if he leaves the same will happen to him to. so why dont you save your relationship. ive sent you some links. for him and you to learn from. gl to you. im not telling you to destroy your relationship like everyone else is doing. im giving you resources to _help_ your relationship.
> 
> ive only read your first post and your #28 comment.


this is horrible, borderline irresponsible advice. this is exactly the reason why women have such a hard time leaving abusive relationships--we get caught up in thinking things like maybe I can change him, maybe if I communicate better he'll understand how much he's hurting me, I don't want to leave because I'll have wasted 3 years of my time and have a broken heart, etc.--and you are just reinforcing all that. there's no mutual "communication problem" here; the problem is the OP tries to communicate with her boyfriend when he upsets her and instead of listening he ignores and belittles her and makes her feel like she doesn't even matter. this, along with other comments she's made here (like that her self-esteem has plummeted because of this relationship, her boyfriend always being extremely critical of her, saying he's so angry he could punch a wall) are textbook signs of an abusive relationship...and you're basically saying it's HER responsibility to fix this when it's not. only her bf can realize his behavior is wrong and work to change it, she can't do it for him. meanwhile, the best thing she could possibly do, for her sanity and safety, is get away from him.

OP, I hope you make the decision to leave this relationship and not look back. I know it is very difficult but I think making this thread and speaking up to your boyfriend about this last incident shows that you are building up the courage and strength to leave. here's another great website to check out if you want to gain more perspective on the situation: http://youarenotcrazy.com/


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

Makes me kind of sad that guys like that can get girls, but I can't :um
We can't tell you what to do, but I really wouldn't put up with that sort of treatment myself.


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

John316C said:


> wow can you even see how blinded by anger you are, you obviously didn't _read _my post carefully enough and read the 'catch' at the bottom. you dont know exactly how it went down btw. you were not there to read into the situation to make the decision for her. let the 'op' decide herself, i didn't get my advice from thin air. if i look at the website you posted and look at with-holding in the category of abuse. many men with-hold attention because they need space, how do you know they with-hold attention because they need space or there are with-holding for the intention of spite. one is a miscommunication the other is abuse. why would you think it is bad to help her boyfriend understand her and have a healthy relationship with the man she just spent 3 years with. im not _telling_ anyone to do anything i am giving _advice_. you are _hoping _her relationship will fail because yours did.


lol I'm not "blinded by anger." and you don't know anything about my relationship history either so you are making plenty of assumptions yourself. wtf.

anyway, I'm not saying the guy can't ever change but it's not her responsibility to get him to that point. and telling her she needs to stick it out no matter what and that SHE'S responsible for helping him change is really bad advice to give, especially if this relationship is already affecting her self-esteem. the guy has demonstrated violent, threatening behavior. it's not a joke. if she stays, she could get seriously hurt. it's not like she hasn't made the effort to communicate with him about what happened--she did, and his response was deplorable. obviously he doesn't think anything is wrong with his behavior and doesn't feel he needs to change. you can't help change someone unless they want to change themselves.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

Haven't read through all the posts but I can say from my experience... when one of the partners gets mad over such small things like the way you described, especially when they haven't demonstrated this behaviour before, it's because they are unhappy in the relationship and want out.

By picking fights and being angry with you all the time is a way for them to try to make _you_ breakup with them because they are chicken to do it themselves.

It doesn't sound like either one of you are very happy in this relationship as it is right now so I'd advice to get out of it as soon as possible. 
But as someone else said, he's the one with the problem not you.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

There obviously is communication breakdown but how hard is it for him to just say, hey can we discuss this later or that he needs some time to cool off or space to think about things? It is a relationship that consists of TWO people. Even with men and women apparently having different communication styles, that can be overcome by having two understanding partners. It is important to salvage a relationship, but at the moment just based off what the OP has presented, it doesn't seem like the bf is working MUTUALLY with her to improve the situation. He's hell bent on not listening to her or understanding where she is coming from, therefore dismissing that she is an equal partner who is deserving of respect. And yes people are not always aware of how they are harming others but it doesn't minimize the pain that is being inflicted. It's not like she is being passive-aggressive either by not expressing how she feels. She's trying to communicate. Not only that, but he is constantly criticizing her, she's teared up on the phone, you must be self-absorbed or dense to not realize how it's affecting your girlfriend of 3 years. Though, if you want to give it a try, in a calm manner when you have both cooled down just ask him what is going on. Maybe he feels unheard, so you can set an example and perhaps then he'd be more willing to listen. However, I think you could run the risk of becoming co-dependent on this relationship by consistently trying to rescue and fix issues, and obsessing over whether you have upset him and so forth. It's not healthy. Like you waited all day for him to respond - I would have just gone to do my own thing, if I miss his call, well I can call him back. Your time is precious, and so you shouldn't waste it waiting over someone whose clearly showing a lack of respect for your time that could be done doing more productive things. If anything, you're letting him take you for granted because he knows that no matter what he does, you're going to be there waiting for him. Another suggestion would be then to just try to let go. Like focus on yourself or things in your own life instead and stop giving so much of your attention to him. You really only have control over yourself, not him or the situation. You can't make him understand you or make him grow up. Maybe once you stop giving so much of your attention, he'll realize what he was taking for granted. 

Those are just suggestions. I know it's really hard to leave a toxic relationship but 3 years is not a lot compared to a lifetime. Not only that, but you can honestly always find another partner, but you cannot find another you, which you seem to be losing. So I've provided the two sides of things: what things you can possibly do to salvage the relationship, but also that maybe it is best for you to terminate the relationship.


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

girls love douche bags :sus


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Sam1911 said:


> girls love douche bags :sus







Disclaimer: she curses a lot. So I don't know if I'll get a slap on the wrist for posting this. But. GIVE IT A REST.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

seafolly said:


> Disclaimer: she curses a lot. So I don't know if I'll get a slap on the wrist for posting this. But. GIVE IT A REST.


Haha oh wow reading the comments is like a battle field :lol But I basically agree with the things she said.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

Sam1911 said:


> girls love douche bags :sus


:sigh



seafolly said:


> Disclaimer: she curses a lot. So I don't know if I'll get a slap on the wrist for posting this. But. GIVE IT A REST.


Sorry to say, but that girl is annoying and missing the point completely :um


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Yeah I think I was a little grumpy that night. 

Her videos aren't always perfect. But the general point of "dudes, quit complainin'" isn't a bad one to pass on. I've read this somewhere recently on the forum but it's worth reiterating - same complaints, different people. I don't really get why some folks have a huge need to slap labels or generalizations on people. Let alone genders. It's pointless. That said I've been around here for far too long so I think the repetitiveness is just starting to get to me. 

The OP doesn't deserve to be generalized either aka she's a girl therefore...


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

seafolly said:


> Yeah I think I was a little grumpy that night.
> 
> Her videos aren't always perfect. But the general point of "dudes, quit complainin'" isn't a bad one to pass on. I've read this somewhere recently on the forum but it's worth reiterating - same complaints, different people. I don't really get why some folks have a huge need to slap labels or generalizations on people. Let alone genders. It's pointless. That said I've been around here for far too long so I think the repetitiveness is just starting to get to me.
> 
> The OP doesn't deserve to be generalized either aka she's a girl therefore...


No worries.
I think people will complain when they wanted something, but can't have it (unless there's an obvious and fair reason why they can't).
But you're absolutely right, there's no reason for labels and telling somebody they are some way due to affiliation with some group when they're really not is so demeaning.
Often people will say those things in a way that suggests them being the sole beacon of rationality while 'those others' are the ones with 'silly' thinking. Whatever tendencies there are must necessarily be in all of us.

But I haven't read the entire thread. I just stumbled into it just now so.. carry on :um


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Yeah that's true. I wish people would complain with thought out complaints, if they must!  The comment I was responding to was somewhat off topic, hence my reaction. I didn't want to see the thread turned into a "girls are this" "boys are this" like so many others. It's actually just about a girl who's with a guy who isn't good to her, from what she's told us. But she deserves thought out and supportive replies, not...what I reacted to. Hopefully she's sorting it out! Either talking to her boyfriend about improving the relationship or cutting ties to give her an opportunity to find someone who will treat her as well as she deserves.


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