# Sticky  anxiety techniques



## jimity

See page 5 for cognitive-behavioural therapy walkthrough

1. FLOODING
You need to dive into the feared situation without looking back. I did this heaps of times with the small things like talking on the phone with someone else around or checking the letterbox. You have to flood heaps of times before the anxiety gets better. As for the personal big ones for myself like approaching an opposite-sexed person I like or asserting myself to authority, it was just too hard and I had to resort to other techniques first. When I faced a fear my mind would first focus on to see if others were looking or were about to turn rejecting or critical and when it concluded they were then my attention would switch over to myself and social anxiety would start. I needed to realize that these were just thoughts and did not necessarily reflect reality. Once I got it I could just begin to get on with what I was doing instead of being preoccupied with the thought of others were staring or were being rejecting. 

Flooding for social anxiety is a bit of a miss and hit affair because of self-consciousness and safety behaviours. Self-consciousness keeps the problem going because information will be biased toward negative appraisals of the self and others. Safety behaviours keep the problem going also because you do certain things to help ward off potential embarrassment and humiliation. Without those behaviours you feel threatened while with them you feel more secure. You might drink alcohol before an event. You might always stand near the back of the room behind everyone. You will never learn to see that these threats are really imagined or exaggerated if you don't allow yourself to behave differently andm ove out of your comfort zone. Therefore the problem of shyness and social anxiety remain when these 2 things are intact. Remove them and flooding has a better chance to work.

2. GRADUAL EXPOSURE
Start by smiling and making eye contact when saying hello and goodbye to cashiers. Ask for help in department stores where people work. Talk to them by asking questions. Make things up to keep the conversation flowing. Go to a restaurant and ask the waitress about the food. If you own a cb-radio, you might find a few people on the air which you can then talk to. Once you get used to all of this you can perhaps try to make it a goal of saying hello to one person each day. You might start saying hello to inanimate objects fist. Then try animals then maybe your own reflection. Imagine your reflection is a person. This is a good way to get your mind used to saying hello. Approach people to ask them for the time or directions. If this is all too hard, you might start chatting with people online. This is how I started gettig over my opposite-sex shyness. If sexual situations make you unconfortable you might try phone sex, then a strip club and you might try a even get yourself a lap dancer. Then finally you can go all the way and get a prostitute. Try approaching people you don't like or have no intention of dating. I found drunk women far easier to communicate with because I know they are more open to other people. Once this is all too easy, you can move up and onto more classy or sophisticated women. Try online dating perhaps.

You start off doing little things bit by bit. Try and come up with as many of your social fears as possible and number them from lowest to highest. Write them down and try to gradually reduce them. This is a good strategy because with each success you will feel a boost in your confidence to keep going. Really you should write your progress so that you don't forget! But really you should combine this with cognitive therapy.

3. EXTERNAL FOCUS
Whenever you feel social anxiety and your attention beginning to focus on yourself, realize that it is and redirect it onto something on the outside like 
what someone is saying. You will need to practice this technique for a few weeks before it become significantly helpful. Just pick an object such as a shadow on the wall and gaze at it. When your mind wanders off realize it has wandered from the object and you can just easily redirect it back. Keep practicing this for a few weeks or until you can hold your attention on the object for at least 1 minute without distraction. Then you will have a powerful ability to help control acute attacks of social anxiety and self-consciousness because you can just keep holding your attention away from yourself and away from any unpleasant feelings and sensations. This technique is really great for seeing that people are not being judgemental or watchful like you may think they are. 

Remember that realization is the way to redirect the mind back onto an object and that concentration is all mental effort; physical strain is not a sign of concentration.

4.BLANK MIND
Whenever you need to do something but it makes you anxious, say you need to go to the shop for something but you think people will laugh and insult you just try to toss all thoughts out of your mind. You might try to hold your attention on one thing to achieve this empty mindstate. Practice emptying your mind for a few weeks at anytime you wish. For example, if you want to get dressed hold your mind still and just get dressed without even thinking about it or what you are doing or about anything. It gets easier with practice. Then you will find that when you need to do something that makes you perhaps low to medium anxious you can just hold those thoughts out of your mind. If your real good, even the highly anxious thoughts can be held back. This is great for getting much needed exposure to chip away at those anxieties and get that exposure you need.

5. RESPONSE PREVENTION
When you get the urge to hide away or to quickly walk away from an event or somebody, hold back and stay put. Remind yourself that you are trying to see if the things you fear will happen will actually happen. This will help keep your mind focussed on reality. EXTERNAL FOCUS works great here. Realization of why you are doing this will help you out with staying put. 

6. COGNITIVE FLOODING
Try to imagine yourself in a social situation that would provoke anxiety. Self-hypnosis and trance meditation are good ways to help you enhance imagination. This technique will help you confront your fears without facing the real thing. This all works because most of social anxiety is rooted in imagination. When you get anxiety while imagining just go with it. It will eventually burn itself out - just like FLOODING. Repeat this until no more anxiety is felt. Now hopefully when you do the same thing in the real world the anxiety will have also disappeared. Lucid dreaming the situation I found is a good way to get a full sensory experience. Just try to keep your mind alert while you let your body fall asleep. If you practice EXTERNAL FOCUS this will help you out to achieve this mind awake/body asleep state. Then you will just slip into a dream fully lucid. And while you are waiting for the dream to occur you can create the environment you want to be in. This lucid dreaming approach works better after sleeping for 5 - 6 hours.

This technique is perhaps the next best thing to real life exposure in helping out social anxiety. If you are not feeling genuine social axniety during the imagined scenario then the technique will probably not work.

7. IMAGE SUBSTITUTION
If you are thinking about doing something but all you keep seeing is people being judgemental or being told off, replace the negative image with a more positive one. An example may be one of the people looking pleased to see you or being friendly with you. Keep doing this until the negative image no longer appears or has begun to dissipate. This works better when you are mentally and physically relaxed.

I had to learn to accept that rejection and criticism was an inevitable part of social interaction - particularly the dating scene. I had to drop the assumption and expectation that everyone everywhere MUST except me no matter what. Reducing the impact that rejection has worked far better than trying to control other people through trying to behave how I thought they wanted me to behave - like just avoiding them.

8. MEMORY RESCRIPTING
If you are haunted be past memories of rejection and humiliation or being uncared for then imagine the painful scenario as vividly as possible. Try to get the original feels to occur. Then imagine you are someone else, someone powerful and enter the scene. Talk back to the people mistreating the "you" in the scence. Tell them off and point out the wrong they are doing and that they are being unfair. At this point, I would feel lilke crying or felt really special because someone was standing up for me. Anyway, then comfort and nurture the "you" and explain the reason they were doing that was to try and cause hurt. If you were bullied or had parents who were critical or punitive or uncaring then this can really work by repairing the damaged child within you. Another way of trying to rescript memory is to get yourself into a good mood then recall the painful memory or experience. This should help rewrite the memory so that it is associated with a good mood. But in any case, the emotional memeory of an event is the vital part that needs to be changed.

When the powerful figure confronts the tormentor you can try to forgive the person. I found forgiveness helps the healing process far better than anger and hatred.


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## jimity

*16 - 19 anxiety techniques*

16. Comparison Technique
Compare yourself to other people. Ok, ok, I thought others were so much better than me because they went out to nightclubs, got drunk, got laid, went to parties, were great conversationalists, liked rap/techno/R&B music, hung out in groups, talked to the other gender. Then when people where in their 30s they were married and had children. So because I didn't do these things or wasn't interested in anyting the majority was I was weird and different. If I didn't have a mobile phone or heaps of mp3s I was a "loser" or "sad". This is what I was led to believe. But apparently I was lied to...again! It seems that society has a nastly habit of force-feeding bulldust down people's throat. So I sat down and compared myself to others in how I was the same as them. I saw them eat and drink. I heard them complaining about feeling hungry and thirsty. I heard them speak. I heard them breath. I saw them use a toilet. I saw they walked on the ground. I heard them wanting to go to sleep. I saw them use their five senses. I saw them getting sexually excited. They all apparently lived on Earth under the same sky. So you know what ? It occured to me that I was very much the same as the next person! It was more mental stuff that people compared themselves to others but other than that they all seemed very much alike. So next time you think you are so very different, just think of this.

17. Acceptance Paradox
Accept all your flaws with tranquility and a sense of humour. Let's say you are shy and hate it then think who cares, that's the way things are. The way things are are perfectly fine. If you can't talk well with other people, it doesn't matter, that's just the way things are. If people are rejecting and critical, you have no control over how they react, so let them be. Let them say what they want. If your self-esteem takes a battering over other people's words just agree with what others say and accept it with grace. If you feel embarrassed around someone for feeling attracted to them just accept the feelings of attraction and embarrassment. If you tell yourself you are a loser or something similar, agree with what you think you are. If you have a desire that you feel ashamed of or anything you don't like about yourself do the same. If you agree with those things, you end up making piece with yourself. This technique can be difficult to grasp at first but is really powerful once you can accept the way you feel and the things that happen to you. Writing out a dialogue will help.

CRITIC: I'd hate to be a virgin like you.
SHY GUY: Yeah it is strange for someone as old as me to be a virgin, isn't it ?
CRITIC: Ahhh, yeah it is very strange. It's real funny too. LOL
SHY GUY: I often laugh about it as well. But if I wanted to do something about it I would but it doesn't bother me.
CRITIC: Doesn't bother you. WTF! Are you gay or something.
SHY GUY: I guess I'm even more strange than I thought. Oh well.
CRITIC: Oh man, I feel so sorry for you. Being a virgin at your age just give me this feeling like I'm on a barren lifeless wasteland that supports nothing.
SHY GUY: A barren lifeless wasteland supports itself, doesn't it ?
CRITIC: Yeah, but there is just something not right about a man your age being a virgin and never being in any kind of relationship. It's just so weird.
SHY GUY: Many things are weird, but once you understand them, they no longer are weird.
CRITIC: Why don't you want to lose your virginity ? Isn't that every man's dream ?
SHY GUY: Yeah, it was a dream once, but no longer. I have different aspirations now, like painting and playing instuments.
CRITIC: This is so sad.
SHY GUY: What can I say, people fall into circumstance and things happen because I believe these things were meant to happen when they were born. People just follow their script without thinking about taking another path. They think and feel and just follow through. If they get into a conversation with someone they like and that person likes them, they just decide to get into a relationship. That's just the normal thing people do. They follow their desires. That was in their script. Me, however, think and feel, but choose NOT to follow through with things simply because I want to be different. It causes temporary pain and grief over loss but that goes away. I chose to dishonor my needs and desires when I was younger for various personal reason but I consciously chose this path.

(But alas, now I realize I have all along followed the script that was written when I was born. D'oh!)

18. Hidden Emotion Technique
Have you ever been really angry with someone and then start getting all these thought about what you think about them ? It seems that under stress like anger or fear, hidden feelings and truths and motivations start to emerge into consciousness. How is this connected to social anxiety ? The reasons you get anxious are buried out of reach from consciousness. Asking questions is a good way for the mind to start revealing and dealing with potentional conflicts and problems. You need to sit down and really think about how such things relate to you. Here is a bunch of questions I came up with in trying to reduce my shyness of the other gender.

am I afraid of havign sex with a girl ?
does she expect me to be sexually competent ?
does she expect me to be perfect at making love ?
do I expect to disappoint her sexually ?
will she be disapproving of me if I want sex from her ?
do I feel guilty or ashamed for wanting sex ?
do expect to go to hell for having unmarried sex ?
what is my attitude towards sex anyway ? Is it dirty or naughty ?
how do I feel about being naked, holding an erection in front of someone ?
will I be able to control my excitment around a girl ?
if she found out I was inexperienceed or saw I was anxious or shy, would she think less of me ?
do I really want to be in a relationship ?
am I even ready to be in a relationship ?
can I trust a girl with my feelings ?
would a girl cheat on or leave me ?
could I handle the pain of a broken heart or the humiliation if she cheated on me ?
if she died a few years later on, would I be able to handle the pain of a loss ?
what if she didn't feel the same when she found out I liked her ? How could I handle the embarrassment ?
what if she did feel the same about me ? What would be the next step ?
how would she react if she knew I was attracted to her ? Angry, rejecting ?
do I have something to hide from her ?
am I ashamed about anything of myself ? Appearance, no friends, quiet, lack of interests, being boring, social anxiety ?
what don't I like about myself ?
am I attracted to or have feelings for her ?
am I worried about what to say or do around a girl ?
if I did or said something wrong how do I expect her to react ?
what I do feel her expectations of me are ?
what are my expectations of myself ?
is there anything I might be jealous of about her ?

Asking questions is extremely helpful in allowing the mind to start dealing with these potential problesm in advance. If there are underlyings issues once you start asking questions relating to your problems the mind starts to generate potential solutions for them rather than just drawing disastraous conclusions in the moment. Just thinking "oh, when the time comes I will know" does not work all the time because for many people the anxiety is due to the great unknown. So thinking about these important things in advanced will help settle that anxious mind of yours.

19. Socratic Questioning
When you feel anxious or embarrased for no apparant reason, have an anxious thought, when someone humiliates you or you anticipate something, you might try to figure it out why it is bothering you but just can't seem to pin the whole thing down. You can't seem to process it, conceptualize or understand it. It's too complex or overwhelming. To get through these problems you write the problem down and ask yourself questions about it. Here are some questions to help you out.

what does this mean about me, about my life, my future ? What will this mean in one years time ?
what am I afraid might happen ?
what if my fears came true ? What is the worst thing that could possibly happen ?
have I been in this or a similar situation before ? Did my fears come true ?
could I handle the situation if it came true ? What would I do ?
What would it mean if it was true ? what could people possibly do ? What would they say ?
how likely is this to be true ? Certain, possibly, unlikely, definetely not ?
am I being unfair or harsh in myself or others ?
am I thinking in a distorted way ? Ignoring the positive, making predictions, exaggerating ?
am I using memories from the past to draw conclusions ?
what does this mean about other peopel if this is true ?
what does this mean other people are thinking or feelings about me ?
what evidence is there that this is not true ? Does anyone else think differently ?
has this happened to anyone else ? How did they handle it ? How did other react to them ?
what might other people know that I don't ?
what does this person mean to me anyway ?


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## jimity

*20 - 24 anxiety techniques*

20. Downward Arrow Technique
When you feel anxious and want to figure out what underlying thought is generating it you use this method. It will help you reveal underlying beleifs, values and attitudes you hold about yourself and hold towards others. You simply write the situation down and ask yourself an appropriate question such as "what am I afraid of ?" or "why did this upset me ?" then you draw an arrow under it and answewr the question and ask another approriate question. Here is how to do it ?

A hot girl talked to me (what's so bad about that ?)
V
Nothing I suppose (well, then why did you get anxious ?)
V
I felt I didn't really know what to say (why did you feel you didn't know what to say ?)
V
I guess I thought I needed something interesting to say (why something interesting ?)
V
Perhaps I felt I needed to impress her (why did you think you needed to impress her ?)
V
She probably wouldn't like me otherwise (what does that say about her if that was true ?)
V
That she's probably just a stupid mole (what does that mean if that was true ?)
V
She can't be trusted (What do you think she'd do to you ?)
V
Laugh or ignore me (what would you do to her ?)
V
Maybe punch or swear at her (what if you did do that to her ?)
V
I'd be in deep **** with people she knows

Once you get answers like that you are pretty much done with the technqiue. You could alter the questions to see what different responses you get. In this example, a belief about the girl was uncovered, what you thought she would do to you, and how you would react. Different questions could reveal other things. Anyway, the cause of the anxiety was uncovered. Now you must work on altering it through cognitive work then behavioural testing. DO CBT.

21. What-If Technique
This is similar to the downward arrow technique. The questions asked are such as "what if that happened ?", "what is so bad about that ?". Here is how it works.

Why don't you go over and ask her out ?
V
She'll get angry and reject me (what if she did that ?)
V
I'll look like a fool (what if you did look like one ?)
V
Other might laugh or get angry with me for making her angry (what if they did ?)
V
The'll remind me how much they do not like me everytime I see them (if they did ?)
V
I wouldn't be able to stand up to them (why is that so frightening ?)
V
I'll get hurt (if that happened ?)
V
Other people who knew me will lose respect for me for being hurt (why is that so bad ?)
V
They wouldn't like me anymore (what if that happened ?)
V
I'll become a total reject (what is so frightening about that ?)
V
I'll have no one to turn for help anymore (what is so frightening about that ?)
V
I wouldn't be able to survive on my own

The final answer will tend to really mean something to you, like a light bulb lighting up in your mind. So once you hit an answer like the above you are basically done. It may seem strange at first, but a belief like that can cause a fear of rejection from a potential mate. You may dozens or even hundreds of negative beliefs. Uncovering a belief is one step closer to doing something about your anxiety. You then need to alter it. First use cogntive work to 
challenge and weaken it then behavioural work to test it and later it. DO CBT.

22. Cost/Benefit Technique
Is a negative behaviour or thought or feeling holding you back from wanting to change ? Like you feel like not giving up a thought (can't trust others with 
my feelings) or feeling (being bitter and angry over lack of personal life) or behaviour (sitting at home on the computer all day) that you know is most 
probably beter to get rid of than holding on to. Negative behaviour, thoughts and feelings may have hidden rewards behind them. Say for example you don't trust other people with your feelings, you write out all the advantages of having this belief and all the disadvantages of the belief.

Advantages
not being hurt
not having to bother with other people all that much
I can make sure I'm on top of others all the time and not let them get me
feel more powerful and special than others for hiding feelings from them
feel unique for having problems

Disadvantages
being emotionally empty
having no connection with anyone
putting others off with aloofness
not able to let others in

You can ask yourself questions at the end such as is it really worth running from emotional pain at every chance I get ? How important to me is being free from emotional hurt ? Is this belief causing more problems for me in the long run. SOCRATIC QUESTIONING works great here. Once you realize the negative thing you are holding onto is not best for you, you will often be released from it and be more open to change.

23. Double-Standard Method
Do you tell yourself off when you goof up in social situations ? If someone you liked did that would you do the same to them and tell them off ? If you had a close friend or one of your children wanted to go out and find friends but never did and stayed at home in their room most of the time or avoided intimacy with others purely because they were terrified of rejection or being hurt, what would you tell them ? Would you agree with their fears and help reinforce it, or would you think their fears are exaggerated ? Wouldn't you point out how wrong they mostly are about their conclusions about others. Do you think you need to always be funny and amusing around others ? Do others do that when your around because they fear your rejection ? Probably not. So why feel you need to do that around them ? Do people make a grand effort around you at being a great conversationalist ? You don't need to agonize in the lunchroom because you aren't saying anything; the other people are not either. Do others go out of their way to keep you happy and to keep your approval ? Do you avoid critiizing or pointing out other people's mistakes when it is best to do so out of fear of losing their approval ? If you do but they don't then how is that fair on yourself. You'd be suprised at just how you treat yourself in comparison to others and usually you end up treating others more better than yourself - but not always. Are you rejecting towards others when they attempt to befriend you but you feel nobody has a right to reject you. Are you being fair to others ?

24. Compassion
Do you ever scorn yourself for mistakes you think you make around others ? Do you feel worthless when others reject you ? Does loss of approval enrage you ? Do you believe you are unworthy of things such as acceptance and love or getting your emotional needs met ? Ok. We will be trying to provoke feelings of compassion to counter negative feelings associated with social anxiety. Feelings of acceptance, caring, softeness, tenderness, warmth and sympathy will sooth the deepest feelings of toxic shame and humiliation. I found imagining having a close opposite-sexed friend do the trick to get the feelings of compassion to surface. You can imagine yourself being humiliated or mistreated and the figure then comforts you. PRactice it. Then when you are hurting for real, this image can be conjured up and soothing can take place. Remember the double-standard method ? Would you laugh and add insult to injury to someone who you liked if they were rejected or made a social mistake ? I certainly hope not! If you are rejected by someone or make a mistake you simply treat yourself with same compassion and understanding that you would towards someone else. Compassion will help you move towards emotional hurt without feelings of contempt, anger or disgust and will soften the impact emotional pain has on you. You will instead feel the sadness and hurt that it causes rather than anger and hatred towards people doing the rejecting. You will feel more open towards revealing vulnerability rather than hiding it and you will begin to appreciate your own hurt.

If you've ever done CBT, the difference between that and compassionate-based cbt is that instead of suggesting a rational alternative you suggest a 
compassionate one. One that shows yourself understanding and rooom for percieved faults and comfort for anticipation of social humiliation and embarrassment rather than a cold, rational alternative view. You show yourself love. If cbt has failed then perhaps compassion may work since it works on the emotional level.


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## jimity

*25 - 35 anxiety techniques*

25. Mindfulness
You become an impartial observer of your own consciousness. Emotions like anxiety, shyness, embarrassment and humiliation are noticed without judgement. Without judgement there is no aversion to them. They come and they go. When a negative thought first comes into your mind such as "people are watching me and thinking bad stuff", you may then feel self-conscious and anxious over it. But you realize this is happening and you decide to not react to it, rather just notice you are feeling such as way and thinking such a thought. So how do you be mindful ? Well, remember the technique I explained for EXTERNAL FOCUS ? The easiest way I found is to just pick an object to concentrate on and then when the mind wanders off realize it is but let it just do what it wants. You can draw it back onto the object if you want and let it wander off again and then draw it back again and so on. Or you can try to observe aspects about thought or emotions or perceptions to try to allow disengagement from them. Then when you are in an anxious situation just realize you are and let the feelings occur without reacting to them. You sort of look at your feelings and thoughts much like a scientist.Mindfulness will begin to show you that things everywhere are really mental constructs. Things are really parts put together with labels slapped onto them.

26. Paradoxical Magnification
When you think something negative about yourself such as "I'm a weirdo", try to make the idea seem ridiculous by exaggerating it in an absurd fashion such as "I'm the biggest weirdo in the street, no the whole country, no, actually the entire planet". Imagine the President of the U.S.A making a daily comment about you being the most weirdest of weirdos on the face of the Earth. Imagine people everywhere stop and stare and point and call out "weirdo". They even call you up. Imagine people everywhere are driving around with bumper stickers of the you being the biggest werido ever. Everyone wears t-shirts that say the same thing. People drink coffee mugs with your face on there stating "WEIRDO". There are number 1 songs about you being a total weirdo. There are billboards of you on how weird you are. Millions of dollars are spent advertsising this fact about you on tv and radio. There is even a world's biggest weirdo public holiday. When you do something like this, the whole idea of the negative thought can seem absurd and you start to rethink the thought in the first place.

27. Examine the Evidence
If you are afraid of being rejected or humilated or insulted when you go out in public, ask yourself how you know that will actually happen. How many times has this happened before ? What are the statistics of people being openly humiliated when they go out in public ? How many people do you know this has happened to ? How often do you feel like humiliating someone in public ?

28. Experimental/Curiosity Technique
If you are afraid of other people's reactions towards you like being ignored or laughed at or being told off, how will you find out if these things are infact true ? You go in like a scientist undertaking a new experiment, with an attitude of pure curiosity. Drop all expectations and convictions and start 
observing by paying attention. You are only testing to see what occurs. No emotional involvment, just detached observation, the kind you must have when visiting a violent crime scene or fatal accident or doing an autopsy.

This is one of the best ways of testing out alternative beliefs when undertaking cbt.

29. Survey Technique
Ask people if THEY wanted to do something but were scared of it would it just be better to stay put. Ask people if they have ever lost their train of thought or felt embarrassed or shy during a social encounter. You'll find most people have felt anxious or shy or embarrassed around others before. It is some comfort to know this since it helps to reduce feelings of being strange for having this issue of being afraid of others if you indeed feel that way.

30. Define Terms
When you apply labels to yourself like "loser", "inferior", or "idiot", what do they actually mean ? How much of a loser are you ? Do you always lose or only sometimes ? How much do you lose compared to others ? If you have won anything, are you still a loser ? Labels and names are just theories about yourself and others. You can play around with them, blow a bubble at them, discard them and just move on.

31. Threat Technique
You HAVE to do the thing you want to do. You have no choice. Eithe do it or suffer the consequences. your kneecaps will be smashed with a sledge hammer. Your sexual organs will be destroyed, a red hot pin will be inserted slowly into your eyeball. your tounge will be cut off and so on. Try to really imagine such a consequence will be waiting for you IF you don't get up and do that thing you want. Which would be more unpleasant intense physical pain or emotional pain ? If you were bullied or smacked a lot you might think that such things will happen again if you don't do the thing you want to do. Is going to the shop and buying the shoes you want so much worse than being punched up by 5 bullies or being belted hard on the arse by one of your parents ?

When an outcome such as severe physical torture is the consequence for not doing something like approaching an opposite-sexed person you like, the mind will normally become capable of doing the thing it fears. Therefore, try to find consequence that will be worse than the fear and it will usually overide the social fear.

32. Self-Punishment Technique
Everytime you give in to a fear and avoid, you punish yourself. You might touch the electric spark that ignites the gas stove. You might eat tasteless boiled vegetables for a week for breakfast, lunch and dinner or something else dull and boring you don't like. Put chilli sauce in your eyes. Put a bar of soap in your outh. Disconnect your tv and computer for a week. Give away half you paycheck to charity. Give up smoking for a month. buy somethign you really want then destroy it. Stay awake for 2 or 3 nights in a row. Havea cold shower for a week. sell or give away things you like such as dvds or cds. Slap yourself on the cheek 10 time really hard or use a belt on you arse - even get someone to do this for you. Explain to them why. Eventually you should reach breaking point and give in. I found pretending to be an authority figure doling out punishment for disobedience seems to help the whole process.

33. Positive Reinforcement Technique
Whenever you go into a feared social situation, you pat yourself on the back. Let's say you afarid of going outside and you just step out onto the front porch. You can reward yoursef by cooking yourself a good meal. This will help get the ball rolling with confronting more social fears. Everytime you succeed 
in reducing a fear you reward yourself. Buy something you really like but didn't want to spend the cash on. Make yourself feel good by telling yourself you've done well.

34.Dream Technique
Have you ever had a dram where you are doing something that would scare you to death in real life. I'm talking something social. Do you do things inside 
lucid dreams you would never do in reality ? The reason you are able to do such things is because there are no consequences. It is a state of mind. Practice pretending you are in a dream while awake and that consequences do not matter. CURIOSITY helps here. Pretend everything is a dream and that you will wake up soon.

35. Submit & Surrender Technique
Have you ever noticed how some people seem very shy but don't look worried or anxious or distressed ? These people just smile a lot, look down and nod to questions. They might just be acting coy or not be ashamed of being shy. But another reason may be because they don't try to avoid or fight against negative situations or feelings. They submit to them or surrender to them. They are able to humble themselves and swallow up all of their pride. When you have done something wrong do you fight the consequences or try to avoid it ? Or do you surrender to the punishment ? When you surrender the stress dissipates. When an animal is being hunted it runs away, when it is cornered if may fight back, but at some point it may just surrender and allow whatever it thinks will happen to just happen. It no longer experiences stress anymore. When you surrender to the things you fear will happen the same happens to you. Try to put your ego and pride aside in the moment and just submit and surrender. Again, CURIOSITY works well here as does MINDFULNESS. If you have a crush on someone but don't talk to them because you are too shy, try to feel love for them. Try to feel a deep sence of unconditional love, respect and comapssion for that person. This should help disolve pride, fear and shyness and help you to feel humble. And humbleness works against embarrassment and humiliation whereas pride seems to help encourage it in most cases. If you are rejected, your love and repect for the other person will help halt negative feelings of humilation and shame.


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## jimity

*36 - 43 anxiey techniques*

36. Empathy & Altruism Technique
Has there ever been someone who has just stared and smiled at you but you did nothing because of your own shyness even though you liked them too ? Instead of doing that how about perhaps thinking of what they want instead ? Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about their needs and wants. You want to make them happy and see them smile. Think of how happy they will be to give them what they want. Even if they end up rejecting you later on, it doesn't matter because you just want them to do what they feel is right and let you go. DO NOT ignore the people who say hello or look at you to attract you. You are causing them some form of pain. You need to get ito the state of mind that makes you want to do things for others and to forget about your own needs. Don't go so far that you become an approval-seeker and a tool, just go far enough to dissipate social anxiety. When people reject you or try to humiliate you try to understand why they do these things. What is their motivations. Try to look at things from their perspective. You will often see those people as ignorant, insecure, weak and fearful and trying their hardest to fight the things they fear and do not understand. You can think back and do this same thing to other people who you feel abused or mistreated you in the past. You may even end up feeling sympathy and forgiveness for them and that is only a good thing.

37. Affirmation Making Method
You repeat to yourself positive phrases such as "I am free from fear around others". They should be repeated at least 30 times a day. Try to believe the thing you are saying is true. Don;t just repeat it in a parrot-like fashion. You also need to understand the concept of what you are saying. It needs to have some kind of meaning, and not be just some meaningless phrase. These things take many weeks to start having even a small effect. You might even want to record these things on tape and play them while falling asleep. To help speed things along, you can image a scenario in which you are relaxed and calm and enjoying it and while doing this repeat the positive affirmation. Getting deeply relaxed or being in a lower brain-wave state helps this a lot. Don;t include words like "not" or "can't" or "don't" ebcause the subconscious mind has difficulty understanding those and keep hings in the present tense and in the first person because that is how the subconscious mind works; in the present and in the first person. Affirmation making works best when combined with cbt.

38. Encouragement Technique
Give yourself encouragement to do the things you fear. You might tell yourself that you really are exaggerating your fears. You can show yourself that others do things and that you are capable of doing the same. Try to create a sense of doubt over how afraid you are or how worthless you feel. All this time you have only just been thinking you were afraid but really it isn't true. Dump the thought and feeling that you can't do things and replace it with the feeling that you can.

39. Compensation Technique
Tell yourself you don't care what others think or will try to do to you. Tell yourself you don't care if your shy and quiet or feel conspicuous in front of others. You are number 1 and you come first and that no one deserves your fear and dread. Look down on others as if they were all little children and that you are more important than all of them. You might try to imagine people putting you down and insulting you for being afraid of the things you are afraid of. Now your job is to fight back and prove them wrong by showing them that you can do these things. Try to remember all the injustices and mistreatments you faced from others. I found this helps me cut off wanting approval or even acceptance. You need to really work yourself up for this to work. Though it is easy to go too far and overcompensate which makes you come off looking arrogant and selfish.

Avoidant personality has similiar underlying features as narcissitic personality. They both feel defective underneath. The narcissist fights these feelings and feels superior and entitled, while the avoidant avoids the feeling and so ends up avoiding all situations that provoke it. Of course you get narcissists who just feel entitled and not defective due to being only spoiled and indulged or getting their own way always.

40. Mode Shift Technique
Ever had times when under some circumstance you had the courage to do something you would never had thought you could ? When my parents talked behind my back and were whispering things about me I suddenly developed great confidence and could do the things I wanted to do without feeling afraid whatsoever. So how can this happen ? To understand this you must understand modes. Simpy put a mode is an aspect of personality that has split off from another aspect of personality. The way you think and feel and behave will depend on what mode you are in. Just because someone has AvPD doesn't mean they will ALWAYS think they are defective and worthless. There must have been one time when they felt and thought differently, like they forgot about their own feelings of defectiveness and are able to function more properly. Then when the situation changed they went back into the defective way of thinking about themselves.

Like at school I would be far more happy and talkative around my friends, while at home I was miserable and was very quiet with my parents. Borderline personality is a more dramatic example of mode shifting. They go from being scared to angry to dependency in a matter of moments. There is temperament (anxious vs calm, shy vs sociable, cheerful vs low mood etc), and then there are personality modes that are developed through experience. There is a mode that harbours our fears and emotional pain (vulnerable child), a mode that harbours our anger for unfair treatment and for our needs and wants being unmet (angry child), a mode that acts on impulses and desires with complete disregard (undiciplined/impulsive child), a mode that is happy and content because needs are being met (happy child), a mode that fights mistreatment (overcompensater), a mode that gives in to and complies with others (compliant surrenderer), a mode that avoids pain from others (detched protecter), a mode that feels and thinks and behaves like the parent(s) or abuser (demanding parent/critical and punitive parent), and a mode that is able to take charge, fulfill it's own emotional needs, act responsibly and put aside all negative thinking and feelings (healthy adult). So how do you get a more positive mode to activate ? Well you need to start monitoring when your state of feeling and thinking changes. Like let's say someone walks into the lunchroom and you feel like retreating into your shell. This may very well be a reaction based on temperament but this could also be a shift into the vulnerable child mode and it's coping mechanism of a detached protecter. Try to look at it as if you were seperate from these modes. I'm sorry for this but I'm having great difficulty on explaining how to get the healthy adult to activate because it usually takes something dramatic to happen for it to activate such as genuine rejection or abandonment from important people around you and then it just activates and you no longer rely on other people's acceptance or opinions to gain self-esteem as the mode can fulfill the needs of yourself. Then anxiety seems to just disappears (if the healthy adult mode activates that it)

41. Integrity technique
You adopt a policy of 100% honesty. You have to say what is ever on your mind because that is now your most important value system. If you like someone you must tell them. If someone mistreats you you must let them know about it and not just pretend to not care. Other people's rejection doesn't matter as much as honoring the honesty value system.

42. Flashcard Technique
If you are almost sure about the origins of your social anxiety you can write out a flashcard that you can look at when you need reminding about it.

I am feeling (like people want to humiliate me) because (I am in a shopping centre surrounded by people).

This is likely to be my (related core belief, assumption, rule) that I developed (because my older brother would leave me out of activities in the family for a good laugh)

I believe my (thoughts and feelings), though they are probably not representitive of reality.

The positive things that I have experienced (people wanting to be my friend) show my negative thoughts and feelings to not always be true.

So I feel like (avoiding people all the time) I will instead (try to ignore the negative feelings and face one my fears).

43. Observing Others
If you really feel you just don't know what to do in social situations, then look around and see what others are doing. Pick out the things you like that 
others do such as the way they use body language or the way they express interest in what others say or the way they relax around others and don't worry if they are making great conversation, then save it for later when you might need to use it. Anxiety can stop you dead in your tracks from doing things differently so you might need one of the many other techniques in this book first to help control anxiety.


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## jimity

*44 - 46 anxiety techniques*

44. Value System Cleansing
If you've ever done cbt you should have learned about rules, assumptions and beliefs. They are the ingrained thoughts that relate to yourself and to others and about the world. The one we are concerned about here is just what degree you value approval from others. If it is high, your mood will dip when you anticipate disapproval from others. You'll lose self-esteem when other people criticize you. You'll become afraid to point out other people's mistakes in fear they'll disapprove of you. You might feel anxious or depressed around others when you aren't getting approval or you think others may be disapproving. You need to work on seeing that other people's opinions of you should not dictate your mood or self-esteem. How do you go about this ? You need to show yourself a good time by making yourself feel better about yourself without other people. Do cbt.

45. Biofeedback Technique
You count the negative thoughts in your head. You keep track of them. Just write each of them down. Over time you will get better at noticing them. Then at some point you will notice the numbers will begin to actually decrease. Then you can start counting postive thoughts as well, with the aim of increasing them. Combine this biofeedback technique with cbt.

46. Anti-Critic Method
When you are attacked by other people for things like being quiet or lacking a social life you respond in a way that helps to neutralize what they say or to help them develop respect for you rather than having them always see or treat you as someone inferior because you don't do the things they or most other people like to do or have done.

The first way is to use EMPATHY. You simply try to get the person to be more specific in what they want to know or are trying to say. By using this method it will not only help you find out what they mean but it will help them find out what they mean and what they want to really know and why the thing bothers them.

CRITIC: Your ALWAYS so QUIET! TALK DAMN IT!
QUIET GUY: And how does that bother you ?
CRITIC: I don't know, it just makes you look like a weirdo. Like you are planning on murdering people or something.
QUIET GUY: Is that why you don't like it when I am quiet, because you think I am plotting to harm others ?
CRITIC: I don't know. It's just not normal for a person to be so quiet always like that. So I guess you must be up to something.
QUIET GUY: Well, you've seen me for so long, have I ever done anything to you or have you seen me do anything like that ?
CRITIC: No. But what do you do in your spare time. Murder people for pleasure!
QUIET GUY: Drink, smoke, listen to music, watch tv, all the sort of stuff lots of people do.
CRITIC: well then why are you so quiet ?
QUIET GUY: I don't know really. People have always asked me that because I've been like that all my life.
CRITIC: Your still weird though.
QUIET GUY: I don't see why me being quiet should upset you so much.
CRITIC: I just hate it when people don't talk.
QUIET GUY: Well alright, I'll talk more just to make you happy. How does that sound ?
CRITIC: Alright I suppose.
QUIET GUY: Do you feel better now ?
CRITIC: Kind of.

The empathatic approach will help create the conditions to solve underlying problems the person has towards you and will help avoid a heated conflict where insults are hurled about or you end up feel rejected or humiliated by the critic. When the problem is brought out into the open and solved then you will likely never hear the same criticism from them again. If the person is just throwing insults that are designed to hurt you, your response should be similar to try to get answers out of them and to lay the ground work for solving the problem.

The next method is DISARMING. Instead of arguing against their criticism of you, you find truth in it. This will help throw water on the fire rather than fuel as does often happen when you hit back in defense and critisicm of them.

CRITIC: Cheezes, your SO SHY!
SHY GUY: Your right, I'm shy. I'm extremely shy.
CRITIC: WHY, HEH ?!!! I demand you explain to me the reason!
SHY GUY: I just can't help it, it seems to be in my nature. If I could get rid of it I would. Believe me!
CRITIC: Well there's just no need to be so SHY! It's childish! People don't bite you know!
SHY GUY: I'm sorry for my shyness upsetting you, perhaps there's a way you can help me overcome it.
CRITIC: (Feeling sympathetic for SHY GUY and guilty for criticism)

The above example showed when a critisism is valid and has some truth to it. But when a criticism has little truth in it or seems invalid or is harshly 
critical and is more just about insulting or trying to make you feel hurt or humiliated or like a "weirdo" or an outcast what do you do then ? You do exactly the same thing and try to agree with them.

CRITIC: Your sad.
GUY: Why do you think I'm sad ?
CRITIC: Just look at yourself ?
GUY: I do have a lot of things I don't like about myself.
CRITIC: No argument from me or anyone else here.
GUY: Nor should you or anyone else argue back either.
CRITIC. Your 40, you live with your parents, your not married, and you don't talk and just look at your face. LOL. Your just sad.
GUY: That's all true. It's kind of sad when I think about it as well.
CRITIC: It's not just sad, it's pathetic. You are the most pathetic person alive.
GUY: You could very well be right about that as well.
CRITIC: I AM right, you sad, pathetic loser. You're just a waste of space! LOL 
GUY: I sometimes feel that way about myself, like I am just a waste. But I am planning on fixing things.
CRITIC: Well why don't you ? Maybe because your just too sad and can't ever change. LOL
GUY: Change can be hard when your used to thinking and feeling a certain way for a long time.
CRITIC: Nah, your just sad.
GUY: I'm really sorry for how things turned out with my life but I'm glad you expressed your anger and frustration over my situation. Thankyou.

The lesson here is to (1) listen to the critic and try to find their point of view using empathy, then (2) disarm them by trying to point out the truth in 
what they say, even go as far as thanking them for pointing those things out. Once you have done that you will be in a better position to explain your 
feelings and solve differences through negotiation. If the critic is wrong, do not insult them by using personal labels. Simply acknowledge to them that you might be wrong and they might be right in what they say. If the critic is right and you are pointing out the truth in it, this can avoid an argument and lead to respect. Of course, they may however use it as another way to criticize you and make increasing and unjust demands on you which can simply be delt with in the same way.

47. Desensitization Technique
The mind can adapt to anything painful over time. It basically gets used to the painful things that occur and so does not react to it. Lets say your afraid of rejection and so are afraid of asserting yourself, the way to desensitize yourself without actually asserting yourself whatsoever is the next time you are around someone, think of speaking up. You have to actually think of deciding to say something and get your anxiety to surface. If you are around a woman, think of asking her out. You have to decide to do it and get the anxiety to start up.. but don't actually ask her out. Just keep thinking of doing those things in the situation with other people around until ta da... no more anxiety. Your mind has gotten used to the feeling of the thought and when you try to do those things in real life, you won't react with fear.

48. Anchoring Technique
You first need a stimuli to associate the good feelings you will activate when you need them. You can use a pin for this. Imagine something in the past or imagine a scenario that makes you feel confident, happy, proud etc about yourself. Good feelings. Then at the height of these feelings, poke yourself a bit with the pin on a part of your body. You need to use the same area of your body for this. And you need to practice this for at least a few weeks before you can call up those postitive feelings when you need them. The next time you cannot do something because you feel shy then use the pin and it should cause the good feelings to push the bad ones out of the way.

49. Stick Figure Technique
When you are trying to pinpoint why you feel the way you do in a situation but can't pinpoint your negative thoughts, draw a stick figure with an unhappy face. Pretend that person is in the same situation as you and is feeling the same way as you do. Then write down negative thoughts you think that person is thinking. In many cases the thoughts you come up with will be "projections" of your own negative thoughts onto that person. This will allow you to see your own thoughts in another person, which allows you to see things more objectively.

50. It's all in the head

I was reading about dreams and they were saying how some people see dreams as other dimensions that are objective and not just in our heads. They were saying we have other bodies that travel in other dimensions while asleep.

They explained that when we are awake, the world we see, hear, touch, smell & taste is also in our heads. Not as imagined in our mind, but signals from the outside get through our senses and we only see and hear and feel things in our brain, and NOT the way we think we do.

What they're saying is if you look at your screen, you think your seeing it from the outside, but what you "see" is actually what you're seeing in your brain after it's processed. If we were to see the external world before it gets processed it would be completely different.

So remember this next time you feel anxious. The people we see and hear are in our brain.

Now you will learn how to use the techniques to conquer your fears one by one! Grab a sheet of paper and write it out like this (find out your thoughts that make you anxious) Go to page 6 to see how to go about it.


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## Just Tony

I will try to bump your posts everyday just so it doesn't disappear into the forum.


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## Just Tony

bump.


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## Just Tony

bumpity.


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## Mae West

Thank you so much!!!


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## fdsafdsaf

Thanks for sharing all those techniques.. I think i found some usefull ones i'll try :boogie


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## Just Tony

Falccooooo BUMP


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## Just Tony

Bamp.


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## gohan

Phone sex, drunk women, prostitutes=gradual exposure. LOL


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## Just Tony

Falcooooooooooo BAMP


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## Just Tony

Bippity BUMPity boo


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## RichardWood

Oh,so many methods!Thanks for sharing.


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## Just Tony

Duck its a driveby bumping!!


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## Just Tony

Ayo bumpsters.


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## Alienvessel

Will give this a read, thanks.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy

This is fantastic! I hope it helps many many people on these boards


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## Monroee

I find these techniques to be great. Thank you so much for sharing! I don't necessarily need these techniques as I'm very quickly getting over my SA myself. But as an aspiring future therapist who wants to specialize in anxiety, I find some of these to be great. I'll probably be printing this out for reference.


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## Pam

What a thorough list. Are you a therapy student? 

Thanks a lot for posting all of this! :hs


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## Just Tony

Dropping a bump.


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## watashi

I should bookmark this.


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## Just Tony

Just Tony used Bump on thread!
It was super effective!


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## Just Tony

P.s. I Bump you.


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## g0t Anxiety

wow this thread has a horrible case of the bumps! lolz im such a dork!


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## millenniumman75

No need to keep bumping for now. I will leave this up as a sticky. There is an awful lot to process (almost too much).


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## Just Tony

Thanks man. I was running out of clever ways to bump haha..


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## Antis

Tip from the doctor: put a plastic bag over your mouth and start breathing


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## roxyruby

Thank you


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## AlekParker

There's SO much valuable information here.

To practice this stuff you really have to 'small chunk it' practice a little each time. I think the gradual exposure mixed with cognitive therapy (which entails a good majority of those techniques) is the way to go.

I'll apply some of these in my CBT online group therapy group


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## shanny086

wow those are great! thanks for posting


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## Karsten

Good shtuff you got right heres, fella.

AaaAAaAaHhhhHhHhH TINITUS!


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## SleeplessForSeattle

Definitely liking this.  I'm definitely going to try applying these in my own life!


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## etruscansunset

Hi. I appreciate methods as well. I appreciate them so much that whenever there is a new reply in this topic, I check it, hoping to find more techniques. But all I find are people saying how great the techniques already described are! If this is going to remain a "sticky" post, it would be great if people recommended their own techniques, or shared experiences of how the listed methods are working out for them! Just a suggestion, forum masters.

Otherwise, I fear this post is outside the definition of a forum. A forum is a place where many people interact and share data and experiences. It's not a place where one person, call him or her the "author", writes a paper that the rest of as as passive "readers" just read and comment on how thankful we are.


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## MochaLatte

Gradual Exposure --- This is a very specific one, I've learned that premature exposure nearly always backfires, the most import part of the concept is little bits of little interactions over time. 
Eventually picks up speed, and eventually breaking the shell point.
From there on people develop their interpretation of "**** happens, how to get used to the ups and dows"... the notion of adjusting to spontaneous events tied up in time, yes life....
or in TL;DR acceptance of a sort.

Diversity Technique --- Ultimate reminder/ remember that even here- you will NEVER find someone who is 100% exactly like you so whenever you feel isolated remember that the root of your problem is shared because this is a disorder, being an individual doesn't mean you are alone. We all have problems and things can always get worse as much they can always get better 

Also try and avoid thinking in absolutes. 
Instead of thinking "She IS a *****" or "I AM a failure" think; "I FEEL like a failure" or "She SEEMS to be ACTING like a *****"


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## Neil75

There's a lot of good stuff here, but I would urge everyone to take this bit with a large pinch of salt:



> If sexual situations make you unconfortable you might try phone sex, then a strip club and you might try a even get yourself a lap dancer. Then finally you can go all the way and get a prostitute.


Seeking sex like this is very likely to make your SA 10x worse. First of all, the relationship with a prostitute or lapdancer is a financial one. Hollywood is full of myths about hookers with hearts of gold, but the reality is likely to be a cold, emotionless transaction with a high likelihood of making you hate yourself even more in the aftermath.

To make matters worse, the experience could, on a physical level, be addictive. You could end up stuck in a cycle of using prostitutes to satisfy your physical urges without nourishing your emotional needs and your feelings of self worth will plummet. You could also end up being deterred from seeking a 'proper' relationships as your physical needs are being (kind of) met.

Whereas your SA means you probably imagine that in normal life a woman hates you, there is every chance that a prostitute _really does_ hate you. Particularly if she's suffered abuse in her past as many of them have. So ask yourself this: do you really want to be another part of her ongoing misery? Do you really want sex with someone who hates you anyway?

We all have sexual needs and desires, but sex shouldn't be an end in itself. It should be part of an intimate loving relationship. You will not get that with a prostitute.

I know that initiating contact with women isn't easy, but believe it or not they're not the unattainable, castrating maneaters some guys think they are. If you have problems approaching women, you just need to work on your confidence a bit and discover that rejection ain't the worse thing that can happen - it's quite easy to be knocked back _and_ maintain your dignity!

Thanks to the internet there are loads of opportunities to meet women who share similar interests to you. Loads of women even suffer from the same confidence issues as us men too. Hell, _this_ site should have a dating section!

Using a prostitute as a substitute is just a way of avoiding your problems. It certainly won't help you deal with them.

Good luck!


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## tomcronin108

*hey*

i used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. i havent had one in yrs and never used medication. i practiced meditation twice daily without fail, i read many books on spirituality. i changed my diet and made sure i was grounded with food. i walked. did weights to stay grounded. i went to bed early and stretched and did yoga. basically i created balance. it takes time, but its possible


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## anxietyfreak

*No One Understands!*

so i have never posted to one of these fourms before but now that i see people in the same position as me i think it would be benefical i have severe anxiety....and my partner and i just broke up because of this....i always think shes mad at me....if she says something a certain way....or if it takes her more then a 5 minutes to text me back i instantly think she is going to break up with me and now i get so upset and text her over and over again i guess for the reassurance that shes not....we love eachother i know we are meant to be....but she cant handle this about me...it stresses her out and causes us to fight and im to the point where i will do anything to make this go away to get her back i love her and i dont want to lose her....no one seems to understand or express sympathy to the fact that i am going through this....and how tough it is inside....and now i have no one to talk to ....someone please help ! what do i do !


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## punkboy92

The ONLY technique that works for me is prayer to god. He always answers me in due time. I cant think of anytime where he hasnt helped me with anything. Deep breathing doesnt work, vitamins dont seem to work, never tried medication yet, but for now im going to fully rely on Jehovah God!


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## vesparados150

HI jimmity! thank you so much for posting that! it really helps. I am a psychology student majoring in counselling undergoing CBT cos of SA.LOL...Just liek to share another technique they use that is quite similar that is the main aim is to refute irrational thoughts. Dysfunctional Thought Record (DTR). The aim is to be able to make it a habit so that you can refute your thought "on the fly" whenever an event triggers your anxiety. heres a link. http://www.bridgmandocs.com/forms/DTR.pdf

the trick is to do it everytime an event triggers until you are conditioned to it. as for me, i saved it in my phone so it wont be that obvious. Your post help me understand more of the concept. thank you very much!


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## unoriginal

I found information in this link very helpful as well.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin

anxietyfreak said:


> so i have never posted to one of these fourms before but now that i see people in the same position as me i think it would be benefical i have severe anxiety....and my partner and i just broke up because of this....i always think shes mad at me....if she says something a certain way....or if it takes her more then a 5 minutes to text me back i instantly think she is going to break up with me and now i get so upset and text her over and over again i guess for the reassurance that shes not....we love eachother i know we are meant to be....but she cant handle this about me...it stresses her out and causes us to fight and im to the point where i will do anything to make this go away to get her back i love her and i dont want to lose her....no one seems to understand or express sympathy to the fact that i am going through this....and how tough it is inside....and now i have no one to talk to ....someone please help ! what do i do !


Maybe a cbt therapist would be able to help you through some things?
______________
This is a great original post though, really organised and in depth cbt techniques. Good work OP

You get a gold sticker!:boogie


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## kostyalevin

positive thoughts: I tried this the other day in a bar. I was hanging out with some friends and I could feel the SA start to come on. I was thinking about how quiet I was being. I worried people thought I was boring. I just started to get really down on myself.

Then I tried something new. I challenged myself to come up with 5 positive things about my current situation. I looked around the bar and noticed the great decorations, the good beer on tap, the cute girls, all the people laughing and singing (it was a karaoke bar), all of my good friends hanging out together.

I immediately felt better. And I now had 5 positive things to talk about.


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## Cait Sith

Thanks for this. Excellent stuff.


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## jimity

Another technique I found worked good was crying really hard. Just gotta find a thought or situation to make you cry. You need to feel the underlying pain of something rather than just reacting with fear and shame at the door of emotional expression in the mind. For me that cured 99% of my social anxiety for a week. Life became beautiful.


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## 7th.Streeter

Wow I wish i had a printer so i could print this out and read over it daily... oh well, seems like i have to write this down ^^ but it'd be VERY worth it... My anxiety isn't that bad, I think if i practice I could overcome it with out the use of meds, Im gonna have to try this first seeing as I have no money for meds in the first place XD 

but number 5. RESPONSE PREVENTION ( is where I struggle, I usually flee) But i'll try what you said and stay put when ever I feel afraid.. this is very good, did u do this yourself or get it somewhere? This article is a blessing^^


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## 7th.Streeter

*Great*



kostyalevin said:


> positive thoughts: I tried this the other day in a bar. I was hanging out with some friends and I could feel the SA start to come on. I was thinking about how quiet I was being. I worried people thought I was boring. I just started to get really down on myself.
> 
> Then I tried something new. I challenged myself to come up with 5 positive things about my current situation. I looked around the bar and noticed the great decorations, the good beer on tap, the cute girls, all the people laughing and singing (it was a karaoke bar), all of my good friends hanging out together.
> 
> I immediately felt better. And I now had 5 positive things to talk about.


Thats really awesome. ^^ I need to try that as well. Im going to write everything that applies to me down .


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## 7th.Streeter

jimity said:


> Another technique I found worked good was crying really hard. Just gotta find a thought or situation to make you cry. You need to feel the underlying pain of something rather than just reacting with fear and shame at the door of emotional expression in the mind. For me that cured 99% of my social anxiety for a week. Life became beautiful.


I don't get it : / could you explain this a little more please, I might try this as well.


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## 7th.Streeter

If this is what CBT is then I am sure it'll work for me ^^ after writing down these down I already feel like I can do it ^^ an d Im gonna have hecka fun w/ the role play thing with the critic and target >


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## 7th.Streeter

punkboy92 said:


> The ONLY technique that works for me is prayer to god. He always answers me in due time. I cant think of anytime where he hasnt helped me with anything. Deep breathing doesnt work, vitamins dont seem to work, never tried medication yet, but for now im going to fully rely on Jehovah God!


Yah ^^ Im gonna do both as well, i figure if I actually try to put myself out their and pray, the results will increase.


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## AlekParker

Yes guys this is CBT and it works. For some you just learn it and you're good. Others should practice these techniques throughout there lives. You can live a solid happy life with SA if you continually "sharpen the saw" or keep doing stuff to push yourself and learn to be happy/ successful in life.

Knowing how to overcome CBT -ie reading books, learning about cognitive behavioral therapy or techniques, is the first step (in a long journey).

Practicing, repeating, and ingraining these techniques and abilities is the next stage. Pushing yourself to actually DO stuff (gradually and at your own pace) is more important then anything in overcoming SA. --even if it's not the easiest thing to do at the moment. (but it does pay off if you put in the effort)

Most important is to bring this stuff into the real world and practice, repeatedly until you have basically conditioned yourself to not have SA..

If you're interested in practicing online CBT check out my group 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/groups/online-cbt-group-therapy/http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/groups/online-cbt-group-therapy/


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## jimity

Sugarslippers said:


> Wow I wish i had a printer so i could print this out and read over it daily... oh well, seems like i have to write this down ^^ but it'd be VERY worth it... My anxiety isn't that bad, I think if i practice I could overcome it with out the use of meds, Im gonna have to try this first seeing as I have no money for meds in the first place XD
> 
> but number 5. RESPONSE PREVENTION ( is where I struggle, I usually flee) But i'll try what you said and stay put when ever I feel afraid.. this is very good, did u do this yourself or get it somewhere? This article is a blessing^^


I mainly copied it from books I have but I put a lot of it into my own words and experience.


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## mayhem

the main thing is just be more positive and dive in into the fear and be a risk taker!!! thats what i got from it


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## jlane13

needed.


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## ReincarnatedRose

*bows down* 

Thank you so much for this thread. This is exactly what I've been searching for, anxiety techniques. I find the wealth of knowledge in this thread to be so inspiring. It just gives me a lot of hope to know that I have so many different techniques to try, and that none of them will cost me and arm and a leg. :boogie

I'll be reading over the techniques a few times and then selecting the ones that I feel may be the most beneficial to me and then attempting them.

Thanks again, Jimity. 

~ H


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## mindfulact

@jimity These are great CBT techniques. What book/site did you these from?


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## letitrock

How come I never noticed this thread before!? And it's relatively new!


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## moke64916

Surrender. All negativity is caused by resistance or fighting. It's your bodies natural 'fight' resist or 'flight' surrender to what is. Which do you choose? Say fully present in the moment, for all of your anxiety goes away. Practice staying present my meditation. That's the whole point of meditation. 
Try this:

Close your eyes.

Say to yourself, "I wonder what thought I'm going to receive next.

Focus on that as hard as you can.

Ok you got a thought. As soon as you got s thought is when you drifted away from the present moment. But look back. Did you have anxiety while you were waiting for your thought? Answer should be no.


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## Slogger

^^Exactly. 

Like in the story of Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who's had a hugely successful life working with livestock. She used a form of that technique to overcome her fears of social situations. She learned to see every new or scary experience as a door opening, and she faced each door with a clear mind, no expectations, no fears, just an attitude of "Let's see what's behind that door!" There's a great movie out about her life that illustrates that technique and its results beautifully, one of the most inspiring movies I've seen in a long time.


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## Jnmcda0

Here's a few more techniques:

1) Pick a word or phrase to use when you get a sudden, overwhelming feeling of depression or anxiety. As soon as you start to feel yourself becoming depressed or anxious, think about this word or phrase and just keep repeating it quietly to yourself. It can be anything you want, but it helps if it is a neutral or positive thought. It doesn't even have to make sense, it is just something you can focus on to keep your mind off your anxiety. If you like dogs, for instance, perhaps your word could be "puppy" and when you get anxious, just repeat the word "puppy" in your head.

2) Say "yes". In this technique, you find a positive question that you can answer "yes" to and then keep repeating "yes" in your head for about 1 minute. 

3) Do you procrastinate a lot? If you have a task that you are avoiding, say "I'll just do it for a minute". Often, once we get started on a task, we'll keep doing it. It's just the dread of thinking about the entire task that keeps us from getting started. If you put off cleaning your home or apartment, break it down into small tasks and do it throughout the week instead of trying to get it all done on one day. For instance, one morning while you are getting ready for work, take 5 minutes and clean the sink. The next day, clean the toilet. A couple days later, clean the bathtub/shower. By the end of the week, the entire bathroom will have been cleaned. Do the same with each room.

4) Related to #3, do the next task. There is always some little task that we can do that takes virtually no effort. Pick up the book you left on the table and put it back on the shelf. Put your shoes away. If you've got a bunch of clothes lying around, pick up one shirt. Again, once you've done one task, it is a little easier to do the next.

5) If you have trouble remembering to use your anxiety strategies when you actually get anxious, try using some kind of talisman to remind you. Perhaps a necklace, a pen, a watch, a background on your phone, whatever. Just something to keep with you all of the time to remind you that you have the ability to use strategies to stop from feeling anxious or depressed. Whenever you practice your strategies, think about the object you use for your talisman, so when you see it, you'll associate the talisman with the strategy.

6) Whenever you are feeling anxious or depressed, ask yourself "what is wrong right now, this very second?". Most of the time, you will find you are worrying about something that is either in the past or in the future, but there is nothing wrong with you right at that exact moment. 

7) Remember that your brain is listening. Don't beat yourself up. When you tell yourself that you are stupid, ugly, fat, etc., you are just making yourself feel worse and more self-conscious. For instance, if you are overweight, don't talk about your weight ever. If someone comments on your weight, whether good or bad, just say "I'm sorry, but I have a rule that I never discuss weight". 

8 )If you have trouble getting up in the morning, picture someone else in a far away place getting up and starting their day. Then, picture them offering you a hand get up and get out of bed.

9) When you are in a bad mood, take some deep breaths. With every breath you exhale, picture your bad mood as being a dark, toxic cloud being exhaled and with every inhale, picture clean, fresh air filling your lungs. 

10) Be a casual observer. Instead of getting caught up in your feelings, disassociate from them and act like a casual observer. Say to yourself "anxiety is happening", as if you were witnessing it in another person.


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## AkwardNisa

these are so well thought out, thankyou for taking all that time to explain them instead of just posting some recommendation for a book that i can't buy! i didn't read through all of them yet but i'm gonna try these


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## jimity

mindfulact said:


> @jimity These are great CBT techniques. What book/site did you these from?


Most of them are from David Burns, plus I made a few of my own up.


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## softshock11

i just wing it! verbal diarrhea .. random face expression .. hold my breath.. pretend im not tense with awkward posture ... act like its all okay and the world is the problem not me...

then i over analyze it while i toss and turn feeling like crap that night


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## jimity

softshock11 said:


> i just wing it! verbal diarrhea .. random face expression .. hold my breath.. pretend im not tense with awkward posture ... act like its all okay and the world is the problem not me...
> 
> then i over analyze it while i toss and turn feeling like crap that night


Pefect!


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## ashmash

Huh. I had someone yell at me from a few rows behind me, Ashley you are so quiet! I thought that was rude. I would never randomly yell at someone, Gosh you are so loud! I get that there is some truth to it as you have said but I don't know why someone would say that. I guess I frustrate her. I have only talked to her like once and we have 150 people in our classroom. I don't understand people.  Or I'm paranoid and she was randomly yelling at another Ashley.


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## CoyoteNature

Run through scenarios of what will happen what could happen, plan it out, for me at least a lot of the anxiety comes from not knowing vs. knowing. The worst thing for anxiety is not to plan out what you do, don't overplan though that way leads to higher anxiety as well, I've done that as well, so plan in the moment not six years down the line for example.


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## borninjuly

I thought I was the only "weirdo" who thought gruesome thoughts like your tip #15. Within 2 minutes of being on this site, I realized I wasn't the only one. I'm a very non-violent person but for some reason, the idea that everyone will be dead one day is what gets me through difficult situations. When I say difficult, I mean normal everyday things that those with social anxiety find difficult. My latest technique is to picture dirt being dug out, like that of a grave. If I'm worried about what others are going to think I remind myself that one day, they'll be dead and it will not matter if they thought I was stupid or weird. It really does work!


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## Murasaki

FLOODING does not work, it makes the problem worse! Do not use flooding!


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## pancakepowder

Now it is on my SA recovery plan to have sex with a prostitute!!!


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## Cub

pancakepowder said:


> Now it is on my SA recovery plan to have sex with a prostitute!!!


LOL.

Aside from the examples stigmatising gays. . . this list is exhaustive and well worth a shot with many of the techniques. o:
*steals the list and puts it into a word document*


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## jimity

This reminds me, I'm going to write up a meta-cognitive post.


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## Donnie in the Dark

awesome


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## jimity

Sugarslippers said:


> I don't get it : / could you explain this a little more please, I might try this as well.


The idea behind this was some people with anxiety over emotional expression in the mind don't express their emotions to themselves simply because they feel overwhelmed by them, like they are too extreme and painful to experience. Yet crying can help overcome this fear and cause a remission of symptoms of social anxiety because the social anxiety was caused by lack of feeling emotions through unconcious surpression during social interaction. Socio-emotional information is blocked out for fear of it being overwhleming. So once emotions can be felt, there is a huge shift in perception and a new depth of feeling with a significant increase in genuine empathy, allowing social interaction to become natural and fluid as you become tuned into the mood of others and the interaction and in yourself and respond to subtle social cues in a way you never had before. The increase in empathy and emotional feelings allows you to see and understand just how social interaction actually works and how to fit in and connect with others. You will be able to respond and engage with others in a way that was impossible before. Then you will see just what exactly your issue was. You were stuck inside a personality mode that was dissociated from a healthier personality mode that is able to express feelings, be intimate, socially interact without any nervousness or awkwardness etc. There is another whole new personality inside people with social anxiety. The personlity they experience when socially anxious is the one they experience all the time. They lost touch with their own feelings as a young child because their feelings had become dissociated and exist inside another whole different personality. It is like their feelings are wrapped up in cotton wool and unable to be felt with an intensity. They believe the peronality they experience now is the only one they have, yet this is false. Most social anxiety cases already were set when they were very young, somewhere between the ages of 0 - 5, not during the teenage years, though of course bullying and peer rejection doesn't help. Once the peronality surfaces, parts the brain will have increased blood flow and exprience an increase in neurotransmitter activity as a result, causing a new perception of things.


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## Shack1212

When you're talking to someone, try imagining that you're tuning onto the same frequency as them, that you're connecting to their social machine, that you are connecting to them. I tried some of that today and was succesful.


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## nonethemore

Thank you for typing these out  I'm planning on trying some out whilst out in public.


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## milkyway

thanks alot for the techniques ;}


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## TheWeeknd

Thank you so much for posting this!! you're a life saver for real!


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## jimity

Thought I'd better post up the way to do cognitive behavioural therapy that I posted ages ago but realized should of put up in here.

Just realized your social anxiety and shyness of others is really interfering with your life and you don't know what to do ? No worries. There is an enormous amount of things you can do. The best place to start is to do some cbt. Just for those who don't know what cbt is or how it works, it simply works by finding out what thoughts make you anxious and then challenging the accuracy of those thoughts first through suggesting more healthier and helpful thoughts and then testing out the new thoughts in the real world. This is the cbt method I used.

THOUGHT / FEELING / BEHAVIOUR / ENVIRONEMENT / BODILY REACTIONS

The very first thing you need to know is how thought, feeling, behaviour, environment, and bodily reactions are connected. Take this example. Let's say you have just finished school and now have no friends to interact with (environment). This leads you to think "I'm just a loner" (thought) and this thought leads you to feel ashamed and anxious around others (feeling). So you react to this feeling by avoiding situations (behaviour) where this information could be revealed of having no friends. You just sit around at home feeling tired and lacking energy (bodily reactions) and you begin feeling depressed (feeling) over how nothing ever changes. But a change in one area can lead to a change in the other. If you thought it was only logical to lose your friends simply because nobody ever exchanged address or phone number then perhaps the thought would change and the feelings of shame and anxiety would disipate. Then you could begin to engage in situations without fear of being found out. This could then allow friendships to form. The feelings of lacking energy would disappear since you would have people to hang around with which meant getting more out of the house. Simple, heh ?

COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

Alright the first place we are going to start is by learning cognitive distortions. These distortions warp our conclusions about people and the world around us. They help make us depressed, socially anxious and shy.

a. Fortune Telling: you predict failure or some kind of negative outcome in a situation yet to happen.

You think others will get angry or ignore you, but this is predicting the future. How can you possibly know how another person will react ? So go and test it 
out to see if it will happen, but don't conclude that it will always happen if it does occur.

b. Catastrophic thinking/Magnification: Blowig out of proportion or magnifying the impact of a negative event, negative outcome or negative situation. In 
addition, you may also magnify the importance of an event, outcome or situation, the qualities of another person or your own negative qualities.

You think if she rejects you you are a total loser. You are blowing outof proportion the impact of her rejection. You may feel rejected in the moment but it doesn't make you a loser in general...You think rejection means never-ending disapproval and that you cannot show your face around the person again. Does gaining that person's approval mean your King Pimp ? Does losing approval mean your Vile Slime. You are magnifying the importance of gaining or losing approval...You see the pretty members of the opposite sex as angelic and mysterious. This is magification of another person's qualities. Why are they so much better than anyone else or even yourself ? Do they dress you and feed you and put a roof over your head ? Do they pick you up when you are down. do they pat you on the back whenever you do something right ? Hell, they don't even talk to you.

c. Emotional Reasoning: Using the way you feel at the time as evidence for how things are in reality. Because you feel a certain way you conclude that things must be true or that something terrible will happen.

You FEEL like you will be rejected therefore you really think it will happen. There is no basis for this fear other than the feeling. Dump the feeling and try a different one, such as the feeling you might very well be accepted...you feel worthless because you were criticized and so you believe you are...you feel anxious before an upcoming event and this anxiety convinces you that something terrible will indeed happen...you FEEL weird and that everyone else is normal because they are not shy. But feelings are not reality, they exist inside of you, that's all. Talk back to them and challenge them, but don't give in to them.

d. Mind Reading/Projection: thinking others know what you are thinking or feeling or believing you know what others are thinking or feeling about something. Making negative assumptions about the thoughts, intentions, or motives of others which are more often than not "projections" of your own thoughts and feelings about the situation.

You lose your words or become nervous and blush when someone cute is talking to you. You then think they think you are a loser who can't communicate properly.

e. Labeling: refering to yourself or others in a negative way and often for minor or simplistic reasons which shapes the way you see yourself or others.

You lose your words and then tell yourself your an idiot and this makes you feel like an idiot. Big deal, so you lost your words, like your the only one that ever happens to.

f. Over-Generalizing: because of one negative event or situation or outcome, you assume it will happen all the time or in all other situations. 

You think if you get rejected by someone, other people will start doing the same. This makes one slip up seem very threatening and risky. If you lose one approval you conclude you will lose all approval.

g. Personalisation: treating a negative event as a reflection or confirmation or your own defectiveness or unlikability or worthlessness.

You take rejection personally as if it's an attack on you or done deliberately to hurt you. If you have an underlying belief that your unwanted, then rejection will confirm that for you and you may think "I knew it! Nobody wants me".

h. Negative Focus/Mental Filter: Focussing mainly on negative events, aspects or implications of a situation or outcome or person or yourself, while ignoring or minimizing or discounting the more neutral and/or positive aspects. This may become a mental filter where your feelings colour everything you see.

When someone is talking to you all you can think about how how stupid you must look to them. But you are ignoring the fact that they are talking to you. You want to go over and join some people but all you can think about is what will go wrong and give no thought to what could go right. The mental filter makes you see everything in a negative way. This especially occurs when your self-esteem is running low or are anxious or angry.

i. Blame: Blaming yourself for something that wasn't entirely your fault or something that was out of your control. Or blaming others for something that wasn't entirely their fault or over looking the part you played in the thing that went wrong.

When you feel shy and it messess up a conversation for you, you beat yourself up as if it was your own fault for being shy. Remember temperament and mistreatment...You are sitting in a bar and no one talks to you and you feel angry for this thinking someone should have at least said something to you. But what about yourself ? Couldn't you have said something to them ? It could be that other people are too afraid to take a risk with you.

j. Black and White thinking: things are seen as either one way or another, with no shades of grey in between.

You think you must succeed with no room for failure. You must succeed at gaining approval of others and can't afford making any kind of mistake. One slip up means total and ever-lasting rejection. This places enormous pressure on yourself to perform...You feel there is a right way to talk to people and a wrong way. But you don't know the right way and so become self-conscious and think you are making a fool of yourself.

k. Extremist Thoughts. You apply extreme words to situations like "always", "never", "totally", "nobody".

You say you NEVER have anything to say...girls ALWAYS like confidence...NOBODY like shyness.

l. Pressurizing Thoughts: You harrass and place demands on yourself or others with statements like "should", "must" and "ought".

You think you MUST be more talkative around others, as if it's a standard to live up to...you feel you MUST be funny in front of others to gain their approval otherwise they'll never like you...you think others SHOULD always be nice to you. Enitlement will make you sensitive to rejection and prone to being humiliated, not just toxic shame.


Alot of these distortions overlap with one another but they all screw us up when we're around people or want to do things when others might see. Try to learn them off by heart. I'll bet you'll find a few favourites.


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## jimity

THE MOOD DIARY

The next part you will learn is the mood diary. It is an important aspect of cbt. First thing to do is get an exercise book. If you can't buy one because you can't go to the shop, then just use your computer.

Write down the situations where you felt anxious or shy. (In a bar and was laughed at)
Write down the emotions you felt and their intensity on a scale of 1 - 10. Humiliation (9), Shame cool:
Write the automatic thoughts you got at the time (people were all staring at me and thinking how much of a loser I am, people seem to always put me down). 
Come up with the evidence you feel confirms those negative thoughts (it's best to take one thought at a time). 
Come up with evidence you feel disproves those negative thoughts (one thought at a time). 
Challenge the negative thoughts (one thought at a time) with a more rational and helpful one. 
Re-rate your mood. 

Here is a way of writing it out.

Situation: Thinking of approaching a girl.

Moods: Fear (9), Incompetent (9), Inferior (9)

Automatic Thought: She won't like me and will reject me. I'll stuff my words up and then she'll look at me weird. I'll blush and look nervous and then she'll 
think I'm pathetic. I'll have nothing to say.

Evidence for thoughts: Heaps of girls didn't like me at school. I was either teased or ignored by girls. I have stuffed up my sentences before whever I got anxious and people have looked at me a little weird sometimes. People have made neative comments on my blushing and nervousness before. I often find I have nothing to say and just end up sitting there in a panic. I often just seem to blush whenever I feel I am being rejected.

Evidence against thoughts: Some girls were my friend and some had a crush a me as well. Most people ignore it when I screw up my sentences. Most people have never told me I am pathetic for blushing or looking nervous. When I'm relaxed with someone I can usually talk more easily.

Alternative: I am fortune telling because unless I take the plunge I cannot be 100% certain I'll be rejected. I am using the way I feel to make my judgement about what I expect will happen. Just because I feel I will be rejected doesn't mean it will necessarily happen. Even if I am rejected it doesn't mean the end of the world for me, it just means I must look elsewhere. I am magifying the worst outcome. If I stuff my words up the worst thing to happen isn't a total catastrophy. She'll pobably wait until I get the words out right anyway rather than insulting me or walking away. If I get nervous and blush the worst thing to happen will be what ? I bit of awkwardness. Big deal! Once I approach I will just say hello and introduce myself. I can just say anything. It doesn't have to be interesting or amusing. At least that would be better than nothing. As I look upon this I realize I am focussing on all the things that could go wrong and totally ignoring anything that could go right.

Re-rate mood: fear (4), Incompetent (5), Inferior (4)

If you want you can add an action plan at the end. Simply suggest ways of doing or handling things.

Action plan: If I really end up annoying her or get lost for words I will just smile politely and walk off.

Many times finding out what your negative thoughts are in the situation can be tough. So here is a bunch of question that will help you find them out.

What does this say about me if it is true ?
What does this mean about my life, my future, about me ?
What am I afraid might happen ?
What is the worst thing that could happen if this is true ?
What does this mean about how the other person thinks or feels about me ?
What does this mean about the other person / people in general.
What image or memories do I have in this situation ?

Also finding evidence that doesn't support the thought can be difficult as well. These questions can help you out.

Have I had any experiences that show this thought is not completely true all the time ?
If my someone I loved had this thought, what would I tell them ?
What would that person tell me or point out to show that thought isn't always true or is false.
When I'm not feeling this way do I or would I think about the situation differently ? How ?
When I have felt this way in the past how have I helped myself feel better ?
Have I been in this situation before ? What happened ? Is there anything different between this situation and the previous ones ? What have I learned from past experience that could help me now ?
Are there any small things that contradict my thoughts that I might be discounting now as not important ?
Are there any strengths or positives in me or in the situation that I am ignoring ?
Am I jumping to conclusion that are not completely justified by the evidence ?
Am I blaming myself for something over which I do not have complete control ?

Finding an alternative can also be difficult. Here are somethings to help.

Stick to the facts. What evidence do you have to support this thought ?
Does your thinking fit with what happened ?
What is the best way of seeing things ? What is the most realistic or likely to be true ?


Another way is to do a mood diary is like this.

Situation: want to go over to that girl.
Moods: Anxious (9), Inadequate (10)
Negative thoughts: I wont have anything interesting to say (belief in thought: 100%), she'll probably snap at me (belief in thought: 100%)

Take one negative thought at a time and find the distortions in them. Don't worry about being perfectly accurate with picking out the distortions.

Negative thought : I wont have anything interesting to say (belief in thought: 100%)

Distortion 
Reason


Pressurizing thoughts 
You think that you MUST or SHOULD have something interesting to say. You are placing intense pressure on yourself

Black and white thinking
You think you better come up with something terribly interesting to say
otherwise you wont be able to say anything at all and there is simply no other way to be

Negative focus 
You focus mainly on the thought of whatever you say won't be interesting when it just might be

Mental filter 
No matter what you come up with you shoot it down as uninteresting

Emotional Reasoning 
You FEEL anything you say will be uninteresting and that feeling convinces you completely

Extremist thoughts 
You believe that whatever you say will be totally and utterly boring beyond any comprehension

Projection 
Because you believe what you have to say is uninteresting you make the mistake of thinking others will think the same

Fortune telling 
You predict she will think whatever you say will be boring whan infact she might not

Magnification 
You place way too much emphasis and impotance on the entertainment factor in what you say when the most important thing at the time is to get her to notice you are alive.

Now write down a list of more balanced and/or positive thoughts to counter the negative one. Then next to it write how much you believe the positive thought and next to that write how much you believe the negative one. The more you believe the positive one the lower the negative thought will have a hold on you. 

Your aim is to get the old thought down to zero or until you feel it no longer leaves you inhibted or anxious.

Postive thought Belief Belief in Old Thought

I can say anything. It doesn't 70% 90%
have to be very interesting. I
can start by smiling and saying
hello and just talk about the
weather

She might be interested in listening 70% 80%
to me 

When I am calm I don't think what I 100% 60%
say is unintersting

She'll probably be more interested in 80% 45% 
what I have to say than if i'm
entertaining her.

Conversations with someone in a bar
usually start of superficially anyway 90% 30%

I doubt she will find what I say
dreadfully boring. 95% 15%


If you find you cannot bring down the belief in the old thought then you may have to resort to different approaches to challenge them. There are literally dozens of them around.

Whichever method you use, you should try to fill the diary in as much as possible. Even think of events from the past and write them down if you want to. Practice catching when your mood changes and try to isolate the thoughts that you think. You will get better at this the more you do it. The evidence you come up with to support any thoughts should not be based on your feelings. Feelings are not evidence. That is the emotional reasoning distortion. Try your best at arguing back against negative thoughts with rational alternatives until there is a shift in your mood. If you can't, just leave it for the time being and come back later and do it.


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## jimity

DEALING WITH SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

Self-consciousness is one of the more painful symptoms of social anxiety and shyness. It feels like you are acutely aware of everything you say and do and that people are watching every move you make and analyzing you closely for mistakes. You might start losing concentration on what someone is saying and then your attention just locks on the awareness that this is occuring and you become hyperaware of this happening and your anxiety starts to snowball from there.

The problem of becoming self-conscious is one reason why exposure alone has trouble working because self-consciousness helps fuel social anxiety and once attention locks onto yourself or what's going on inside of you, you no longer are paying attention to the outside and will therefore see the situation as a complete disaster even if it went good. This is why when undertaking cbt it is highly recommended in reducing this problem first before undertaking 
behavioural work.

The first way to help do this is the next time you are around people simply become curious about what they are doing or saying. This will help force your attention away from yourself. Here is a mini-experiment you can do right now to help you get more in-touch with your attention and awareness. If you are at your computer, notice the mouse. Your attention will switch to the mouse. Hold it there for 10 seconds, then move it to the letter O, then hold it there for 10 seconds. I find noticing something about the mouse and letter such as how grey or white it is for example seems to help attention stay on it. Now switch your attention to your thumb and notice the subtle sensation you feel once your thumb is targeted by your attention. It may start to feel warm, tingly, or even start to feel like it is pulsing after a while. See how once attention switches onto a bodily sensation it starts to grow. This is what happens in social anxiety. Your blushing feels HUGE but may only be minor or no more than how much you see others blush when they do. Thats because human nerve ending is something like 1000 times more sensitive than the visual sense.

Of course, the best way to control self-consciousness is to build up some very basic concentration. Pick some object in your room and just gaze at it and then notice your awareness of that object and concentrate on the awareness of the object. I found this way of concentrating much easier than trying to just focus on the object all by itself. Try this for perhaps 3 minutes, then the next day 4 minutes all the way up to 10 minutes. Then test out this skill when you are around others. See how much you can focus your attention away from yourself. You will need this skill when undertaking the next phase in overcoming social anxiety.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DROPPING SAFETY BEHAVIOURS

Second problem to deal with before you engage in behavioural work is safety behaviours. These are the things you do that you feel you need to in order to protect yourself from potential embarrassment and humiliation. You may give one word answers, rehearse what you say, fiddling with things while talking or listening to others, doing things that you think will gain approval, let others talk for you, drink alcohol before a situation, keep your head or eyes down, ignoring others who you see want to speak to you, keeping near someone you know, use anger to keep others away, not talking about your weekend etc. You will have your own personal ones which you must identify and then decide to get rid of. Keeping them will only keep the problem of social anxiety and shyness going because you will believe nothing happened because you did the thing you felt you needed to do.

Try to come up with as many safety behaviours as you can and write the feared situation down as well. For example: 

Feared situation: walking to the shop 
Safety behaviour: wearing my best clothes, shaving, brushing hair very neat

Feared situation: working in the front garden when neighbours are outside 
Safety behaviour: waiting till they go inside

Feared situation: paying for things at the checkout 
Safety behaviour: keeping head down, not saying "goodbye"

Feared situation: being around attractive members of the opposite sex
Safety behaviour: keeping quiet


To help you identify your own safety behaviours ask yourself these questions:

What do I do to avoid looking stupid or foolish in front of others ?
What do I do to avoid unwanted attention from others ?
Whenever I feel anxious or threatened what is the first thing I think of doing ?
What do I do to make sure I do not make mistakes in front of others ?
What do I do to hide my problem of anxiety or shyness or any percieved weakness or inadequacy from others ?

Once you have identified your safety behaviours the next thing to do is practice dropping these behaviours. Alright, this is how we are going to go about it. You will need your book or computer. There are 5 steps involved.

1. You are going to write the feared situation down. This is simply the situation that you are afraid of and resort to using safety behaviours. Write what you do when in this situation. 

2. Then you will predict what you think will happen. What is the worst thing you are afraid that will happen ? You need to be specific and make sure the fear is able to be observed. What will people do to confirm this fear ?

3. Next comes the experiment in which you will try to find out if your fears come true. How do you do this ? You need to come up with a way to do things differently. In the above examples, when walking to the shop you must decide to not wear your best clothes, not shave and keep your hair a bit messy. You are dropping your safety behaviours. Remember, sse the attentional focus when you feel you are going inside your own head and becoming self-conscious.

4. What actually happened when you dropped your safety behaviours ? Did your prediction come true ? You need to stick with what really happened. If you became anxious and begun to conclude that people were staring and judging you that would most likely be false because social anxiety tends to do that.

5. Then finally write down your conclusions. What did you learn from the experiment ? What did it mean to you ? Using the example, you might learn that others don't even bother a single bit with what you look like and that the fear was all imagined.

Here is how you write it down on paper.

Situation: Looking my best when going out to the shop
Prediction: People will be disgusted with me and will move away
Experiment: Just wear casual clothes
Outcome: I felt self-conscious but nobody even seemed bothered by how I looked
Conclusion: People are not concerned with what others wear and that scrubbing up to go to the shop is entirely unnecessary because people don't really care about it.

Of course, on some rare occasions the things you fear actually happen. This is especially so if you make an advance on someone you are attracted to. You get rejected. Being socially anxious can make rejection especially painful because it is taken personally or as a sign of inadequacy or inferiority. The way to deal with such negative outcomes is to ask yourself the same question you did when trying to find your negative thoughts back when you were learning about the mood diary. This will help you stop ruminating and pinpoint the reason you felt so bad after getting the reaction from others you feared.

Learning to drop safety behaviours will help build up confidence and will help you become more natural in social situation because you will no longer be bound by your safety behaviours which serve to keep you locked in rigid patterns of doing things.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## jimity

DOING THINGS RATHER THAN AVOIDING THINGS

Avoidance is like an extreme form of keeping safe, therefore it is necessary to dedicate it to an entirely new section. 

Avoiding the things we fear is an entirely natural reaction. If you thought you were going to be laughed at and humiliated in front of others it would seem 
only logical to simply avoid it. The problem with social phobia starts when we begin to avoid almost everything that we fear. We avoid working, avoid personal relationships, avoid feeling our emotions, avoid important appointments, avoid doing things we want to do and to say. And this avoidance begins to seriously affect our way of and quality of life. So what we must do is to start doing the things we have been avoiding. Avoidance doesn't have to necessarily be total. You can say go to a party, but spend most of your time in the kitchen helping out rather than mingling with others.

The first thing to do is to identify what you avoid because of fear. Come up with as many things as you can. To help you out, think of something that you fear and just think about doing it. Say for example, think about approaching someone and asking them out on a date. Do you feel a sense of alarm and a lack of confidence as if you can't go through with it ? If so, this is likely something that you avoid. Notice when this happens in real life situations, when you feel like shrinking from sight, or turning around and quickly walking away. Write them down in a similar way you did with the list of safety behaviours.

Avoided situation: saying hello to someone I find attractive
Avoided situation: making an appointment to see the doctor
Avoided situation: taking up an invitation to a party
Avoided situation: standing up for my right to return something faulty
Avoided situation: stating my personal opinion
Avoided situation: being around people most likely to ask me about my weekend
Avoided situation: being seen out in public alone
Avoided situation: driving along unfamilar roads

The next thing to do is to find the connection between what you avoid and what you think. You can use the questionnaire you used when trying to uncover your negative thoughts to fill in the mood diary. Things like "what do I expect to happen ?", "what is the worst thing that could happen to me ?" It is important to find out what you think will happen. What will people do to confirm your fears ?

The next step is to actually face the avoided situations. It is best to start with the things you find the easiest to do but still avoid. This may be something simple like checking the letterbox when other neighbours are outside. Then you can move onto something little harder once you feel you have conquered the easy stuff. Remeber, use the attentional focus technique to reduce self-consciousness so you don't end up drawing biased conclusions about the situation.

The final phase is to observe what happened and to see how it fits in with what you thought in step 2. It is the conclusions you draw from the experiment. What did you observe ? What do those observations mean to you ? Were you fears confirmed ?

Here is how to do it on paper.

Avoided situation: Taking the dog for a walk during the day
Prediction: People will make smug and negative comments on what I am doing, my dog will try to smell or bite another person and I will be embarrassed fr it
Experiment: Take the dog for a walk
Outcome: Nobody said anything smug or insulting. My dog didn't misbehave even when others walked past. People aren't that mean and nasty as I thought and my dog is more well-behaved than I thought.

Try to get used to doing things that you find you would rather avoid. Let's say you undertake an experiment, repeat it again and again, until you feel your anxiety has disappeared. As you go about trying to get over social anxiety old patterns of thinking and behaviour may re-emerge even after you thought you were getting better. The best way to deal with this problem is to not give up. You may need take things more slowly and not to try too hard or do things obsessively.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNCOVERING UNDERLYING BELIEFS, ASSUMPTIONS & RULES

Ok, so you've been doing the mood diary, practiced reducing self-conscious feelings and been giving up safety behaviours and have begun doing things you'd rather just avoid but you still don't seem to making as much progress you would have hoped to even though you have had success after success, or your anxiety and the way you think about people and yourself seems to be too intense to go through with exposure. The reason for this may be due to certain underlying beliefs, assumptions and rules that you may be harbouring.

Beliefs are the deepest and will typically take the form of things like "I'm worthless" or "people are repulsive". They tend to be unconditional and totalistic, where nothing can change. Assumptions tend to take the form of things like "if I'm not 100% confident, people will point out my shyness and laugh" or "if I look weak people will put me down". They often are conditional which means the outcome can be altered through certain behaviours or things to do. A rule is a way to live, a kind of standard to follow. They may be things like "if I don't know what to say, I should say nothing" or "saying my opinion is only acceptable when I am asked". All these things guide our behaviour and the way we think and feel and they help lead to our cognitive distortions and where our attention focussess on.

How do you uncover these thoughts ? If you have been doing the mood diary, say for perhaps 4 - 6 weeks, you should hopefully have built up a good collection of mood sheets. Go through the automatic thoughts of each situation and pick out the ones that keep coming up or the ones that have themes to them or seem connected. 

Say for example, you think you can't stand up for yourself, and you feel others pick on you, those kind of thoughts are connected. The purpose here is to not find cognitive distortions but to find the root causes of your anxiety. Those repeating thoughts are pointing towards your underlying beliefs, assumptions and rules. 

You can use something call the downward arrow technique and distill many of your automatic thoughts, assumptions and rules into core beliefs. It simply consists of writing down the automatic thought and then asking a question like "what does that mean to you" or "why is that so scary ?" "what would happen if you did that ?", then come up with an answer and draw an arrow under the answer then ask another similar question again and repeat until you hit something that seems important to you. Many times, you will uncover beliefs that seem totally outdated and ridiclous that they just lose their power almost immediately. But things won't always be so easy. Anyway, these beliefs, assumptions and rules must be challenged to get any real deep and meaningful change since they are the things causing you to become anxious, panic, or to shy up around others, and that is what we will do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHALLENGING UNDERLYING BELIEFS, ASSUMPTION & RULES

One way to weaken your deeper thoughts is to challenge them in the same way you did in the mood diary with your automatic negative thoughts. It is best to get yourself another book so you can seperate your mood diary from your beliefs and assumptions and rules that you will be working on.

Write down any particular belief or assumption or rule you want to change. You need to come up with a more useful or helpful or realistic alternative way of thinking about yourself or others or how you relate to yourself or others or how you engage with the world and other people. Here are some questions to help you think differently.

Would you think like this about someone else ?
What would you tell someone who thought like this ?
How fair are you being on yourself ?
Are you forgetting that eveyone makes mistakes and that is nobody is perfect ?
Are you ignoring you strengths and focussing on your weaknesses ?
What cognitive distortions might be affecting my thinking ?
Are painful memories of the past affecting the way I see others or myself ?
Are there other ways I can describe myself or others that is less emotionally loaded ?

There are heaps of ways to challenge beliefs. David burns' WHEN PANIC ATTACKS has dozens of them. You can also look many of them up in my post of 46 anti-anxiety techniques. 

A helpful thing you can do is to make a list of all things that seems to contradict the particular belief no matter how small it is. Think of things that have happened in the past that counters the belief or assumption.

Here is a way of challenging a belief or assumption or rule on paper.

Belief: people think I'm a loser
Power in belief: 100%

a. Is there anyone out there who I think is a loser ? Do I absolutely hate them and want to humiliate them endlessly or doesn't even really bother me that much ?
b. What exactly am a loser at ? How much am a loser am I ? Have I ever won anything in my entire life ?
c. How many people have told me I am a loser ? One, two ? How many people have expressed this thought in one way or another ?
d. Am I a loser or just a person who doesn't receive much in life ?
e. Is there anyone else like me who others don't see as a loser ? Why are they any different ?
f. Do people really think I'm a loser or do I only feel like people do ?

Power in belief: 80%

You get the idea. Challenge a belief anyway you want and write it out how you like. In any case you are only weakening beliefs and assumptions and rules so that you have a little bit more confidence to go onto the next stage which is behavioural work.


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## jimity

BEHAVIOURAL TESTING

Now we are heading into the part of the therapy that will be testing your beliefs. First you write down the belief and how much you believe in it. Then write down the upcoming situation. Then you need to identify exactly what you fear will happen. Next you will need to define what you will be looking out for that will confirm this belief or disconfirm it. After the experiment you will need to write down the outcome and then your conclusions about the event. Finally re-rate your power in the belief. This is how to do it on paper.

Belief: People think I'm a loser (80%)

Situation: Going to a John's party on Saturday

Prediction: People will talk behind my back and snicker and then everyone there will all think the same and laugh and walk away from me.

Confirmation/Discomfirmation: People standing and looking over at me and laughing, people whispering near me and snickering, people looking uncomfortable around me, people being friendly with me, people asking me to join them.

Outcome: People did laugh but not about me or anything to do with me, I got along with everyone there and nobody behaved uncomfortably around me. Things turned out much better than I originally thught they would.

Conclusions: People are not as mean as I thought they were or as readily to humiliate me as I believe. Most people have much more important and better things to discuss other than things they don't like about me.

Re-Rate Belief: 45%

You may also want to write down how the belief has been modified. The example used may go something like this.

Most people do not think I'm a loser. Some might, but most don't. There is simply no basis for them to think that - and I understand that now.

You may very well have to test out beliefs again and again to get them to reduce to the point where no more anxiety is aroused.

This behavioural testing will also help you build new, healthier beliefs in place of the old ones. You should be moderate when suggesting a new belief for it to work. Again, you need to look for evidence to support the new belief. When trying to build up a new positive belief you don't need the feared prediction if you don't want to because there may very well be situations where you don't get anxious but can still use them for building up the new belief. 

You can do it like this on paper.

Belief: I'm ok, and some people think I'm alright (20%)

Situation: Going to the pub for a drink with the people from work.

Confirmation/Disconfirmation: People talking to me, people wanting to know more about me, people offering to buy me drinks, some people not noticing I was even there.

Outcome: Many people talked to me and we all got along quite well. Though some people seemed like they didn't care I was there.

Conclusions: Most people like me for who I am and don't really care about any of my flaws once a good conversation gets going.

Re-rate belief: 55%


Remember you must reduce self-consciousness and drop all safety behaviours in order to give yourself the best chance at overcoming social anxiety.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHANGING ASSUMPTIONS & RULES

The way to change a rule or assumption is obvious; you simply decide to alter the behaviour that you do or follow. Let's say you assume you need to be entertaining in order to be accepted you will decide to just hold back, or maybe you feel you should never have a different opinion to the majority which would be a rule, so you would decide to voice a different opinion. You first identify your assumptions and rules, how much you believe in them and the behaviours associated with them. Then you predict what will happen. Then you decide to try something different instead of the old behaviour. Then evaluate what happens and draw your conclusions. Then re-rate you belief in it. Do it on paper like this:


Assumption: People don't like me when I am not amusing them (100%)
Old Behaviour: Always trying to come up with ways to make people laugh
Prediction: People will tell me to go away
New behaviour: Stop making jokes and be more quiet
Evaluation: People didn't express any dislike and still treated me as they do when I did make jokes in the past.
Conclusions: It's ok to not always try to be the life of the party and entertain others.
Re-rate assumption: 50%

You can alter a rule or assumption in the same way you did with beliefs if you want to rather than do it this way. It up to you how you do it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To finish up, remember all those things you avoided and all those situations you used safety behaviours in. Put them on a scale from easiest to hardest and begin working on them one by one. You will feel a boost in confidence with each success, and this will give you the strength to move on to the next challenge. Don't give up!

Here is a summary of how things procede with this method which is from the Bulter book OVERCOMING SOCIAL ANXIETY AND SHYNESS

1. Learn the connection between environment, thought, feeling, behaviour and bodily reactions. Learn about cognitive distortions. Do this or else you will be wasting your time.

2. Use the mood diary and capture all your negative thoughts in a situation. Find evidence for and against each thought. Suggest alternatives and re-rate your mood.

3. Learn to reduce self-consciousness.

4. Identify and practice dropping safety behaviours

5. Begin doing things you have been avoiding

6. Uncover beliefs, assumptions & rules

7. Challenge them using cognitive techniques

8. Go out and test your beliefs, assumptions and rules starting from easiest to hardest with all safety behaviours dropped and self-consciousness reduced. Repeat this step for as many beliefs, assumption and rules as many times as you need to. It may very well take months to see even a little bit of change. If you really feel cbt isn't working try compassionate cbt and mindfulness since they force you to react at the emotional level. Meta-cbt also is providing even better results than cbt for anxiety disorders so that may be worth looking into. Other than that the only other advice I can offer is to start building up a life for yourself after you have begun fixing your social anxiety.


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## 7th.Streeter

Just Tony said:


> Falcooooooooooo BAMP


Lolzs XD. nice.


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## 7th.Streeter

jimity said:


> BEHAVIOURAL TESTING
> 
> Now we are heading into the part of the therapy that will be testing your beliefs. First you write down the belief and how much you believe in it. Then write down the upcoming situation. Then you need to identify exactly what you fear will happen. Next you will need to define what you will be looking out for that will confirm this belief or disconfirm it. After the experiment you will need to write down the outcome and then your conclusions about the event. Finally re-rate your power in the belief. This is how to do it on paper.
> 
> Belief: People think I'm a loser (80%)
> 
> Situation: Going to a John's party on Saturday
> 
> Prediction: People will talk behind my back and snicker and then everyone there will all think the same and laugh and walk away from me.
> 
> Confirmation/Discomfirmation: People standing and looking over at me and laughing, people whispering near me and snickering, people looking uncomfortable around me, people being friendly with me, people asking me to join them.
> 
> Outcome: People did laugh but not about me or anything to do with me, I got along with everyone there and nobody behaved uncomfortably around me. Things turned out much better than I originally thught they would.
> 
> Conclusions: People are not as mean as I thought they were or as readily to humiliate me as I believe. Most people have much more important and better things to discuss other than things they don't like about me.
> 
> Re-Rate Belief: 45%
> 
> You may also want to write down how the belief has been modified. The example used may go something like this.
> 
> Most people do not think I'm a loser. Some might, but most don't. There is simply no basis for them to think that - and I understand that now.
> 
> You may very well have to test out beliefs again and again to get them to reduce to the point where no more anxiety is aroused.
> 
> This behavioural testing will also help you build new, healthier beliefs in place of the old ones. You should be moderate when suggesting a new belief for it to work. Again, you need to look for evidence to support the new belief. When trying to build up a new positive belief you don't need the feared prediction if you don't want to because there may very well be situations where you don't get anxious but can still use them for building up the new belief.
> 
> You can do it like this on paper.
> 
> Belief: I'm ok, and some people think I'm alright (20%)
> 
> Situation: Going to the pub for a drink with the people from work.
> 
> Confirmation/Disconfirmation: People talking to me, people wanting to know more about me, people offering to buy me drinks, some people not noticing I was even there.
> 
> Outcome: Many people talked to me and we all got along quite well. Though some people seemed like they didn't care I was there.
> 
> Conclusions: Most people like me for who I am and don't really care about any of my flaws once a good conversation gets going.
> 
> Re-rate belief: 55%
> 
> Remember you must reduce self-consciousness and drop all safety behaviours in order to give yourself the best chance at overcoming social anxiety.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> CHANGING ASSUMPTIONS & RULES
> 
> The way to change a rule or assumption is obvious; you simply decide to alter the behaviour that you do or follow. Let's say you assume you need to be entertaining in order to be accepted you will decide to just hold back, or maybe you feel you should never have a different opinion to the majority which would be a rule, so you would decide to voice a different opinion. You first identify your assumptions and rules, how much you believe in them and the behaviours associated with them. Then you predict what will happen. Then you decide to try something different instead of the old behaviour. Then evaluate what happens and draw your conclusions. Then re-rate you belief in it. Do it on paper like this:
> 
> Assumption: People don't like me when I am not amusing them (100%)
> Old Behaviour: Always trying to come up with ways to make people laugh
> Prediction: People will tell me to go away
> New behaviour: Stop making jokes and be more quiet
> Evaluation: People didn't express any dislike and still treated me as they do when I did make jokes in the past.
> Conclusions: It's ok to not always try to be the life of the party and entertain others.
> Re-rate assumption: 50%
> 
> You can alter a rule or assumption in the same way you did with beliefs if you want to rather than do it this way. It up to you how you do it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> To finish up, remember all those things you avoided and all those situations you used safety behaviours in. Put them on a scale from easiest to hardest and begin working on them one by one. You will feel a boost in confidence with each success, and this will give you the strength to move on to the next challenge. Don't give up!
> 
> Here is a summary of how things procede with this method which is from the Bulter book OVERCOMING SOCIAL ANXIETY AND SHYNESS
> 
> 1. Learn the connection between environment, thought, feeling, behaviour and bodily reactions. Learn about cognitive distortions. Do this or else you will be wasting your time.
> 
> 2. Use the mood diary and capture all your negative thoughts in a situation. Find evidence for and against each thought. Suggest alternatives and re-rate your mood.
> 
> 3. Learn to reduce self-consciousness.
> 
> 4. Identify and practice dropping safety behaviours
> 
> 5. Begin doing things you have been avoiding
> 
> 6. Uncover beliefs, assumptions & rules
> 
> 7. Challenge them using cognitive techniques
> 
> 8. Go out and test your beliefs, assumptions and rules starting from easiest to hardest with all safety behaviours dropped and self-consciousness reduced. Repeat this step for as many beliefs, assumption and rules as many times as you need to. It may very well take months to see even a little bit of change. If you really feel cbt isn't working try compassionate cbt and mindfulness since they force you to react at the emotional level. Meta-cbt also is providing even better results than cbt for anxiety disorders so that may be worth looking into. Other than that the only other advice I can offer is to start building up a life for yourself after you have begun fixing your social anxiety.


This is very nice I shall print this out as well ))))


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## trajan

I'd be careful with FLOODING.

Exposure, by itself, done in the wrong way, means the anxiety NEVER goes away - even if we've performed that fearful activity every single day of our lives for twenty years! That explains why "flooding" yourself with fearful anxieties does not work for people who have social anxiety

Exposure to fear inducing situations is best done gradually and in a systematic way.


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## eddyr

I'm 19 and gotta say everyone should read this having suffered from Social anxiety, I have to say flooding, gradual exposure & keeping your mind blank did it for me.

Most importantly I went with my instincts, I just went for it, also take advantage of having a drink to make new friends and sustain friendships.

75% of the time it's good to 'ask'. For me, personally, if you want to go out, ask... don't wait for your friend to ask you, it might not happen. If it did he/she might not be aware you want to go out because you haven't asked... most people won't understand... it's a win win situation as in most cases asking will be appreciated, it can spark up conversations, and your more likely to be asked to go out, you'll get exposed more often as well, meaning your social anxiety will dampen down. 

The mind is a complex thing and we're all unique so my advice might not help... best to just go with you instincts, fight your fears!

Something that really helped me was going to a summer school, I had to in order to get an easier access into Newcastle Uni. I moved out, by myself, to some halls in Newcastle, it was just me on my own... I was scared at first but I had to ask to get around, and generally experience on my own... on the social side, I naturally asked to go out for lunch with people, and went out on night outs... I got to know around 30 people through 4 days of this.


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## man w/ no name

One technique I use is breathing when you encounter any feeling of anxiety. Accept the anxiety as you feel it building up (don't try to hide it, accepting it can be very liberating) and release it as you breathe out. Feel your lungs expanding and realize that you are here now in the present moment, a free being, capable of escaping the prison that is anxiety. Breathe in and out. Smile. When such feelings occur try your best to not feed any energy to it. I used to shake, sweat, get dry mouth and avoid any form of social interaction unless it was absolutely necessary! But as I type I continue my journey to better my life and rid myself of all anxiety and fear. You can do it too! Reading material I would suggest are books from Don Miguel Ruiz, Thich Nhat Hahn, Eckhart Tolle.


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## jimity

Finally I am writing up this on meta-cognition (MC).

Why is it that some thoughts are discarded while others are focussed on and replayed like what occurs during sa. MC theory isn't focussed on the content of our thoughts but how we think about and respond to our thoughts. It is meta-cognition, or the internal cognitive factors that control, monitor, interprete and appraise thinking, that lies at the heart of psychological suffering.

Cognitive theory states that thinking patterns seen in sa relates to negative beliefs about ourselves and others. But such thoughts can elict a ranges of responses that don't lead to any anxiety, while some of those thoughts may be seen as unimportant and so discarded.

According to cognitive theory, if a person believes himself to be inadequate, then he should feel inadequate around others. But that is only one possible response to that thought. A person may put effort into being more adequate or may see the idea as irrelevent. So you see, it isn't so much our negative beliefs, but the meta-cognitions that are connected to these thoughts, but seperated from them nonetheless, that lead to emotional distress.

MC therapy does not test out the accuracy of negative thoughts like cognitive therapy, but instead makes paitents engage with their negative thoughts and feelings differently.

Sa is a state of mind that consists of worry, rumination, brooding and recycled thought content. Irrational beliefs and assumptions and automatic thoughts are only a small feature of cognition and are not the sole cause of anxiety. It is through the control of cognitive processess and the selection of certain thoughts and ideas which are then attended to exclusively that leads to prolonged suffering.

MC can be sub-divided in meta-cognitive knowledge, experiences and strategies.

MC knowledge are the theories and beliefs people have about their own thoughts. This may be how good one's concentration is or how focussed one's attention is on a task. MC knowledge can be divided into into two areas, explicit and implicit.

Explicit knowledge can be verbally expressed such as "my social anxiety is worse around the other gender". Implicit knowledge cannot be verbally expressed directly. These are factors that guide thinking processes such as where attention is focussed and locating events in memory and forming judgements.

Included in the category of MC knowledge are beliefs, both positive and negative.

Positive meta beliefs are beliefs that concern the advantages of engaging in cognitions and activities that lead to and reinforce sa, such as safety behaviours and self-consciousness.

Negative meta beliefs concern the uncontrollability, importance and dangerousness of cognitions and feelings.

Meta beliefs heavily influence how people react to negative thoughts, physical symptoms and negative emotions.

MC experiences are appraisals and feelings that people have of their own cognitions and mental state. For example, the feeling of self-consciousness is interpreted as a signal that one is certainly being watched by other people.

I will update this periodically... this isn't finished.


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## Lifetimer

It appears the techniques in this thread are that of CBT techniques. Several years ago I purchased a (expensive) CBT audio program by Dr. Thomas Richards called "Overcoming Social Anxiety". Though I gave it a try and it seemed to make me feel a bit better for a short time period, in the end it clearly didn't help me. The problem wasn't the quality of his program; he actually had a well put together CBT program. Instead, the problem was that *CBT only treats the symptoms and not the disease*. This is why, soon afterwards, my SA was as strong as it was before and it is also why I couldn't shake my low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.

The 'disease' I am referring to is that of toxic shame. For those that don't know, toxic shame is a condition that I and others believe is the core cause of most cases of SA. Please don't be thrown off by the term "toxic shame". Toxic shame is NOT the same as "regular" shame. It is a much more widespread condition than is known. Rather than spending a lot of space here explaining it, please go to the link at the very bottom of my post. You have to first know what toxic shame is and what caused you to acquire it (though, sometimes it is not always clear-cut of what caused your toxic shame &#8230; for the reasons I mentioned in post #206 in the thread link at the very bottom of this post). Having said all the above, I do think that maybe _some_ of the CBT techniques could be useful as a tool to help heal toxic shame. However, if you are going to use CBT, you must approach it with the idea and mindset of healing your toxic shame.

There are probably some people that have been helped with their SA through CBT techniques, but it would be my guess that even those (or the majority of those) people would eventually revert back to their SA. I just believe the disease (toxic shame) needs to be healed instead of treating the symptoms. I can confidently say that this has been my experience. Once I began treating my problem at its *core cause *(instead of just treating the symptoms), then that was when I was able to heal myself of my toxic shame and, thus, cure my SA.

I would recommend that everyone first go to my thread and _at least_ read the first 3 posts of that thread (It is actually better to read the entire thread to get all the infromation). This way you can learn about toxic shame, what may have caused you to acquire it, and why it is the cause of your SA. And of course you will find out ways there to get you started in the healing of your TS. At that point, if you want to use some of the CBT techniques here - or elsewhere - then that is up to you. Just be sure that, whatever CBT techniques you use, that it will fit well and be congruent with your goal of healing your TS.

Here below is a link to my thread. Be sure to at least read the first 3 posts.

http://tinyurl.com/257kgpm

Once you read the above thread - or _at least_ the first 3 posts - then you can decide whether or not if you want to incorporate CBT techniques into your plan of healing your TS. However, regardless if you decide to try CBT as one of the methods to heal your toxic shame, realize that there are actual standard "tried and true" ways to heal TS. I list those ways throughout my thread (in the link I provided in this post).

Lifetimer


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## hellinnorway

thank you very much for posting these cbt techniques! :clap


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## jimity

Lifetimer said:


> It appears the techniques in this thread are that of CBT techniques. Several years ago I purchased a (expensive) CBT audio program by Dr. Thomas Richards called "Overcoming Social Anxiety". Though I gave it a try and it seemed to make me feel a bit better for a short time period, in the end it clearly didn't help me. The problem wasn't the quality of his program; he actually had a well put together CBT program. Instead, the problem was that *CBT only treats the symptoms and not the disease*. This is why, soon afterwards, my SA was as strong as it was before and it is also why I couldn't shake my low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.
> 
> The 'disease' I am referring to is that of toxic shame. For those that don't know, toxic shame is a condition that I and others believe is the core cause of most cases of SA. Please don't be thrown off by the term "toxic shame". Toxic shame is NOT the same as "regular" shame. It is a much more widespread conditon than is known. Rather than spending a lot of space here explaining it, please go to the link at the very bottom of my post. You have to first know what toxic shame is and what caused you to acquire it (though, sometimes it is not always clear-cut of what caused your toxic shame &#8230; for the reasons I mentioned in post #206 in the thread link at the very bottom of this post). Having said all the above, I do think that maybe _some_ of the CBT techniques could be useful as a tool to help heal toxic shame. However, if you are going to use CBT, you must approach it with the idea and mindset of healing your toxic shame.
> 
> There are probably some people that have been helped with their SA through CBT techniques, but it would be my guess that even those (or the majority of those) people would eventually revert back to their SA. I just believe the disease (toxic shame) needs to be healed instead of treating the symptoms. I can confidently say that this has been my experience. Once I began treating my problem at its *core cause *(instead of just treating the symptoms), then that was when I was able to heal myself of my toxic shame and, thus, cure my SA.
> 
> I would recommend that everyone first go to my thread and _at least_ read the first 3 posts of that thread (It is actually better to read the entire thread to get all the infromation). This way you can learn about toxic shame, what may have caused you to acquire it, and why it is the cause of your SA. And of course you will find out ways there to get you started in the healing of your TS. At that point, if you want to use some of the CBT techniques here - or elsewhere - then that is up to you. Just be sure that, whatever CBT techniques you use, that it will fit well and be congruent with your goal of healing your TS.
> 
> Here below is a link to my thread. Be sure to at least read the first 3 posts.
> 
> http://tinyurl.com/257kgpm
> 
> Once you read the above thread - or _at least_ the first 3 posts - then you can decide whether or not if you want to incorporate CBT techniques into your plan of healing your TS.
> 
> Lifetimer


I actually cured my toxic shame for around 2 weeks after crying.... would you believe it, ALL my social anxiety and social clumsiness had disappeared simply because I cried.


----------



## Cole87

I listen too music, I have my mp3 player with me anytime I go out and that helps a lot.


----------



## Anti depressant

I disagree with a lot of your methods and I think a lot of your advice would just be perpetuating the status quo for many here. Making them unable to think that anything will get better so you make a post rationalizing all their worst fears. I have some very good reasons as to why this thread should be destickied... as much as it is trying to help. I will post more when I get to a computer.


----------



## Anti depressant

My critique: 

7. Image substitution

It's true that you should replace negative images with more positives ones but that doesn't mean that you should try to change the reality of the situation. If something bad really did happen like rejection you just need to pull yourself out of the situation and realize how many good things that you have in life. Trying to think about it differently won't help. It'll just make you think about it differently. 

9. Feared Fantasy

You shouldn't think about things in this manner. Real social situations don't really happen like this. No one really knows about your loneliness or about how you struggle with SA and a lot of people have similar problems to you. This only feeds on the fantasy that everyone is out to get you and that it would be good for you to stand up for them. This isnt SA. It's more like boarderline personality disorder. 

10. Rejection Practice

Never practice for rejection because if you practice for rejection you'll only get hurt. You should try to imagine yourself in the most successful relationship that you can and if something doesn't happen the way that you want it to you can learn to manage your expectations. Things don't always go as planned. But, believing that you'll only get rejections doesn't help. 

11. Self-Disclosure

This technique may be good for the people that you're around that you have issues with... but if you're talking to normal people you shouldn't need to bring it up unless it becomes an issue. You might be thinking about all sorts of various problems, and, bringing it up might cause them to like you less. 

12. Devil's Advocate

You should replace that script with something that goes like this

You: I'm afraid to text my friend. I don't know what they'll say.
Devil: Wha's the worst that could happen? Your friend won't reply?
You: I'm afraid they'll never speak to me again.
Devil: Why? Because you approached them in a friendly way?
You: I've approached people in the past in a friendly way and they've refused my advances...
Devil: But if they're a friend, you should try to keep approaching them in a friendly way. After all, isn't that what friends are for?
You: Yes. I suppose you're right.
Devil: There's always a chance of rejection but usually good friends will stay with you through and through. Rejection is a possibility... but not as much so among friends. 

13. Shame-attacking exercises

No. This is WRONG and 100% wrong. You shouldn't act like there is something wrong with you if there isn't something wrong with you. You shouldn't pretend to be shy. This is a defeatist attitude. It's basically saying that because other people have rejected me in the past... I must be shy and I must socially withdraw from others. That is not how it works. That just simply does not make any sense at all. You should just be yourself and who you want to be. You shouldn't worry about what other people think of you all the time. 

14. Humorous Imagining

Only good if they're people you dislike... 

15. Gruesome Imagining

Same thing. You shouldn't think of your friends like that...

16. Comparison Technique

I don't believe in this at all. If you compare yourself to other people you'll be either thinking too highly of yourself than you should be thinking, or, your self-esteem will be too much lower than it should be. You should just think about your relationships and how you are with other people. I also don't know where you get the idea that if you didn't have a mobile phone or heaps of MP3s you were a loser or sad... that just means you don't have same things other people do or ways to communicate with other people. 

17. Acceptance Paradox

While this is true if you accept your flaws you'll be at peace at yourself... I don't think I'll ever be at peace with my flaws. I am always trying to better myself. This is something I try to do.

Critic: You don't understand social cues.
Me: How can I understand them better?
Critic: You need to look and see what other people are doing. Watching what they do is important. That way you can interact around them better.
Me: OOOOH, so social cues are like another language itself?
Critic: Precisely. Sometimes you only seem to think of the verbal language and not the non-verbal language.
Me: OHhh I think I get it. I'll try to work on it now.

18. Hidden Emotion Technique

Okay, but sex isn't everything. 

19. Socratic Questioning

This is probably the only thing that I agree with you on. However, everything else that you've posted seems to fly in the face of Socratic Questioning. I think you should spend more emphasis on Socratic Questioning than these other issues. 

20. Downward Arrow Technique

I've tried this many times and I don't know but for me it seems to make the problem worse. It's just that I write the problem down but it doesn't go away. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? IDK. 

21. What if Technique

Why focus so much on the negatives? Why not think about the positives too? 

22. Cost/Benefit Technique

I agree with this technique, but, my problem with your techniques is that they actually do the reverse of this technique, and other ones like the Socratic Questioning techniques. 

23. Double-Standard Method:

Works well... with me. Sometimes if I'm worried about the way someone else is treating me I just think about how I might act in the same situation and I realize it's not rejection, but, they just simply might be doing other things. 

Will do more later...


----------



## jimity

Anti depressant said:


> My critique:
> 
> 7. Image substitution
> 
> It's true that you should replace negative images with more positives ones but that doesn't mean that you should try to change the reality of the situation. If something bad really did happen like rejection you just need to pull yourself out of the situation and realize how many good things that you have in life. Trying to think about it differently won't help. It'll just make you think about it differently.
> 
> 9. Feared Fantasy
> 
> You shouldn't think about things in this manner. Real social situations don't really happen like this. No one really knows about your loneliness or about how you struggle with SA and a lot of people have similar problems to you. This only feeds on the fantasy that everyone is out to get you and that it would be good for you to stand up for them. This isnt SA. It's more like boarderline personality disorder.
> 
> 10. Rejection Practice
> 
> Never practice for rejection because if you practice for rejection you'll only get hurt. You should try to imagine yourself in the most successful relationship that you can and if something doesn't happen the way that you want it to you can learn to manage your expectations. Things don't always go as planned. But, believing that you'll only get rejections doesn't help.
> 
> 11. Self-Disclosure
> 
> This technique may be good for the people that you're around that you have issues with... but if you're talking to normal people you shouldn't need to bring it up unless it becomes an issue. You might be thinking about all sorts of various problems, and, bringing it up might cause them to like you less.
> 
> 12. Devil's Advocate
> 
> You should replace that script with something that goes like this
> 
> You: I'm afraid to text my friend. I don't know what they'll say.
> Devil: Wha's the worst that could happen? Your friend won't reply?
> You: I'm afraid they'll never speak to me again.
> Devil: Why? Because you approached them in a friendly way?
> You: I've approached people in the past in a friendly way and they've refused my advances...
> Devil: But if they're a friend, you should try to keep approaching them in a friendly way. After all, isn't that what friends are for?
> You: Yes. I suppose you're right.
> Devil: There's always a chance of rejection but usually good friends will stay with you through and through. Rejection is a possibility... but not as much so among friends.
> 
> 13. Shame-attacking exercises
> 
> No. This is WRONG and 100% wrong. You shouldn't act like there is something wrong with you if there isn't something wrong with you. You shouldn't pretend to be shy. This is a defeatist attitude. It's basically saying that because other people have rejected me in the past... I must be shy and I must socially withdraw from others. That is not how it works. That just simply does not make any sense at all. You should just be yourself and who you want to be. You shouldn't worry about what other people think of you all the time.
> 
> 14. Humorous Imagining
> 
> Only good if they're people you dislike...
> 
> 15. Gruesome Imagining
> 
> Same thing. You shouldn't think of your friends like that...
> 
> 16. Comparison Technique
> 
> I don't believe in this at all. If you compare yourself to other people you'll be either thinking too highly of yourself than you should be thinking, or, your self-esteem will be too much lower than it should be. You should just think about your relationships and how you are with other people. I also don't know where you get the idea that if you didn't have a mobile phone or heaps of MP3s you were a loser or sad... that just means you don't have same things other people do or ways to communicate with other people.
> 
> 17. Acceptance Paradox
> 
> While this is true if you accept your flaws you'll be at peace at yourself... I don't think I'll ever be at peace with my flaws. I am always trying to better myself. This is something I try to do.
> 
> Critic: You don't understand social cues.
> Me: How can I understand them better?
> Critic: You need to look and see what other people are doing. Watching what they do is important. That way you can interact around them better.
> Me: OOOOH, so social cues are like another language itself?
> Critic: Precisely. Sometimes you only seem to think of the verbal language and not the non-verbal language.
> Me: OHhh I think I get it. I'll try to work on it now.
> 
> 18. Hidden Emotion Technique
> 
> Okay, but sex isn't everything.
> 
> 19. Socratic Questioning
> 
> This is probably the only thing that I agree with you on. However, everything else that you've posted seems to fly in the face of Socratic Questioning. I think you should spend more emphasis on Socratic Questioning than these other issues.
> 
> 20. Downward Arrow Technique
> 
> I've tried this many times and I don't know but for me it seems to make the problem worse. It's just that I write the problem down but it doesn't go away. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? IDK.
> 
> 21. What if Technique
> 
> Why focus so much on the negatives? Why not think about the positives too?
> 
> 22. Cost/Benefit Technique
> 
> I agree with this technique, but, my problem with your techniques is that they actually do the reverse of this technique, and other ones like the Socratic Questioning techniques.
> 
> 23. Double-Standard Method:
> 
> Works well... with me. Sometimes if I'm worried about the way someone else is treating me I just think about how I might act in the same situation and I realize it's not rejection, but, they just simply might be doing other things.
> 
> Will do more later...


What works for one might not work for another. Just because something doesn't work FOR YOU or seems to make the problem worse FOR YOU doesn't mean the technique is invalid/bad because it just might work FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. I'm under the impression that you are making a lot of this about you and these were not witten out solely for you. Most people have common sense and will not just blindly follow these things without even thinking. Say for example, you self-disclose you are nervous, most people know there is a right time and place to say it and will not just blurt it out to anyone at anytime. For some, their sa has remitted once it has gotten out in the open because others were accepting and understanding of it.

I'm not trying to tell people to reject reality, just reject their negative beliefs and automatic thoughts about situations using these techniques, if they are indeed incorrect. If reality matches their beliefs and thoughts (say if they are rejected), then I suggest they cope with it differently... not try to deny it and pretend it never happened! That is incrediably hard to do anyway! There were actually techniqes to deal with it. And anyway reality is mostly subjective, that's why I assumed other people thought I was sad and a loser for not owning a mobile and mp3 player (my subjective reality).... people from the past actually told me in a way that I was. So here you are saying that how can I think like that (your subjective reality)??? How can you tell me I'm not sad when others tell me I am? Who should I believe? What is the reality about the situation?

Some of these technqiues actually help people discover their underlying beliefs that make them anxious. I don't see why you criticize those ones for??? If they discover something buried then they have a chance to change it. The "what if" technique is great for this. People with sa are hardly even aware of their own cognitions and mental images and so this will help them discover them. As for the shame attacking exercise, people can use it to test out how judgemental people really are. You say don't worry too much what people think... hey, great advice!.... if only people with sa knew how to apply it in the real world. That's why they have the shame attacking technique to use.

As for the Feared fantasy criticism. You forget that some people are infact really mean to others and will attack them for how they live or what they haven't done yet. I've seen this happen before and people have done similar things to me in the past. You just assume I'm trying to convey that people everywhere are like this, when I'm not. Sure, rejection practice can be bad, if your rejection sensitivity is high... but it can also be enlightening for some to discover rejection isn't all it's cracked up to be. The way I see it, what works, works. Because people are so varied, there is no one technique that will do exactly the same thing for another, so criticism seems out of place for most of these techqniues (though a few techniques are absurd and I should delete them, but kept them in to bolster the sense of choice and because they seemed to work for me at some point in time, while some of these techqniues didn''t work or made things worse)

As for your comment on borderline. Many people seem to package just about every single psychological problem as social anxiety these days. On this site there are shy people, borderline people, avoidants, aspergers syndrome people, schizophrenics, depressed people, generalized anxiety people. Social anxiety is a symptom of something deeper and people without social anxiety disorder also experience social anxiety as well. Some people will think in totally delusional ways and they must be helped also, not just people with sad.


----------



## jimity

Anti depressant said:


> I disagree with a lot of your methods and I think a lot of your advice would just be perpetuating the status quo for many here. Making them unable to think that anything will get better so you make a post rationalizing all their worst fears. I have some very good reasons as to why this thread should be destickied... as much as it is trying to help. I will post more when I get to a computer.


How can these techniques possibly extend the problem? How am I making people think nothing will get better? I am infact showing them that they can get better and am showing them how they might go about it. Most people's fears in social anxiety come from early childhood and are totally IRRATIONAL and are unfounded and no longer apply to the adult world and their coping defenses formed in childhood at the same time these fears were laid down and have carried on into adulthood as well. What else are people supposed to do with their fears?.... I see, let them be and keep doing what they've been doing all their life.... what a great way to keep themselves in the rut. Just read through a lot of posts on this site and you will see many people are far more interested in talking about how screwed up their life is and how they are plagued by all these insecurities about every little aspect under the sun and have a list of fears longer than the wall of china which hardly ever seem to come true and seem hardly interested in fixing them because they don't know what to do or how to go about it because their fears get in the way. Many want a quick fix/new philosophy on life/overnight enlightenment/someone to take them by the hand... sorry, not gonna happen for most. They need to help themselves because nobody else will, at least not for a price. These are some of the best self-help techniques out there that work the quickest for many at some level and many of these can be incorporated into cognitive-behavioural therapy to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs (such as the feared fantasy, devil's advocate, what-if technique, downward arrow, socratic techniques, hidden emotion, plus ways of carrying out experiments such as through shame attacking, self-disclosure, flooding, gradual exposure and ways of putting them into mindsets that give them more confidence to undertake experiments such as mindfulness, curiosity or the compensation technique). The examples given were just that... examples. Sure, some were extreme and I could have given better, more likely examples, but they represented some of the worst situations some people might find themselves in and were only there to give people an idea of how to apply these techniques. Its up to people to look at their situation and apply what they think in a way that will help themselves... or better yet, how about they go spend some money and buy some self help books that will give them similar advice... apply this or that technique, go out in the real world and just tough it out and you'll eventually get over it... because i'm telling you now, that will be the basic premise of those books. You pick up any seduction book and no matter what way they tell you to get over your shyness, they are all basically the same... they push you to take a risk, if you don't, you might as well throw the book in the trash. How about you write up some techniques that work univerally so you can share what you know with everyone.... sorry mate, there isn't one. So how about you pick which ones work FOR YOURSELF and stick to them, instead of trying to tell people most of these won't work because of this or that reason, which is an absolutely ridiculous notion. An analogy I can draw from your criticism is much like telling someone who is bullied not to stand up to the bully because it could make things worse (which in turn fills his head with MORE fear of the bully). The kid can tell the teacher, nicely tell the bully he/she is hurting him/her or run away or quit school.... There are options available to him, all have advantages/disadvantages and some work better than others. We are here to fight the formidable bully that is social anxiety. If one technique doesn't work, forget it, go onto another one, no need to discourage others from taking up action using any of these techniques.

Now, one last thing, my dear critique. Have you ever seen the movie "Theatre of Blood"?


----------



## jimity

trajan said:


> I'd be careful with FLOODING.
> 
> Exposure, by itself, done in the wrong way, means the anxiety NEVER goes away - even if we've performed that fearful activity every single day of our lives for twenty years! That explains why "flooding" yourself with fearful anxieties does not work for people who have social anxiety
> 
> Exposure to fear inducing situations is best done gradually and in a systematic way.


Social anxiety comes form underling beliefs and rules and assumptions. People with sa wil have a few or more often many of these. Once they are aware of what they are they weaken them using cognitive technqiues then they can go out and test through FLOODING but remembering to drop safety behaviours and reduce self consciousness. In that way flooding can work. Otherwise flooding is not recommended.


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## jimity

To go about using the techniques write down on paper you negative thought in the following way.

1. Negative Thought: eg: People laugh at me when I blush
2. Belief in thought: 100%
3. Anxiety: 10/10
4. Identify the distortions: find them in this thread on page 4.
5. Write a positive/ more balanced thought to each distortion
6. Belief % in positive thought.

You need to get the belief in the neg thought down to 0% to experience change. To use the techniques you write down the negative thought and go through the techniques to see which ones will help you out. Do it like this.

Negative thought: People laugh at me when I blush
Belief in thought: the % you believe in it

Now go through the list of techniques to try to expose the lie of the negative thought. Remember you are your own therapist and you must expose how false a thought might be.

1. Flooding 
You go into a situation no matter how afraid you are and see if people laugh when you blush.

2. Gradual exposure
This probably cannot be used for such a thought.

3. External Focus
When you do blush this can help keep attention away from your own blushing and so you can look out to see if people are laughing.

4. Blank Mind
If you are afraid to test the thought out, practice this to gain more confidence to test it in the world.

5. Response Prevention
When you blush you force yourself to stay to see if people will laugh.


----------



## Anti depressant

jimity said:


> How can these techniques possibly extend the problem? How am I making people think nothing will get better? I am infact showing them that they can get better and am showing them how they might go about it. Most people's fears in social anxiety come from early childhood and are totally IRRATIONAL and are unfounded and no longer apply to the adult world and their coping defenses formed in childhood at the same time these fears were laid down and have carried on into adulthood as well. What else are people supposed to do with their fears?.... I see, let them be and keep doing what they've been doing all their life.... what a great way to keep themselves in the rut. Just read through a lot of posts on this site and you will see many people are far more interested in talking about how screwed up their life is and how they are plagued by all these insecurities about every little aspect under the sun and have a list of fears longer than the wall of china which hardly ever seem to come true and seem hardly interested in fixing them because they don't know what to do or how to go about it because their fears get in the way. Many want a quick fix/new philosophy on life/overnight enlightenment/someone to take them by the hand... sorry, not gonna happen for most. They need to help themselves because nobody else will, at least not for a price. These are some of the best self-help techniques out there that work the quickest for many at some level and many of these can be incorporated into cognitive-behavioural therapy to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs (such as the feared fantasy, devil's advocate, what-if technique, downward arrow, socratic techniques, hidden emotion, plus ways of carrying out experiments such as through shame attacking, self-disclosure, flooding, gradual exposure and ways of putting them into mindsets that give them more confidence to undertake experiments such as mindfulness, curiosity or the compensation technique). The examples given were just that... examples. Sure, some were extreme and I could have given better, more likely examples, but they represented some of the worst situations some people might find themselves in and were only there to give people an idea of how to apply these techniques. Its up to people to look at their situation and apply what they think in a way that will help themselves... or better yet, how about they go spend some money and buy some self help books that will give them similar advice... apply this or that technique, go out in the real world and just tough it out and you'll eventually get over it... because i'm telling you now, that will be the basic premise of those books. You pick up any seduction book and no matter what way they tell you to get over your shyness, they are all basically the same... they push you to take a risk, if you don't, you might as well throw the book in the trash. How about you write up some techniques that work univerally so you can share what you know with everyone.... sorry mate, there isn't one. So how about you pick which ones work FOR YOURSELF and stick to them, instead of trying to tell people most of these won't work because of this or that reason, which is an absolutely ridiculous notion. An analogy I can draw from your criticism is much like telling someone who is bullied not to stand up to the bully because it could make things worse (which in turn fills his head with MORE fear of the bully). The kid can tell the teacher, nicely tell the bully he/she is hurting him/her or run away or quit school.... There are options available to him, all have advantages/disadvantages and some work better than others. We are here to fight the formidable bully that is social anxiety. If one technique doesn't work, forget it, go onto another one, no need to discourage others from taking up action using any of these techniques.
> 
> Now, one last thing, my dear critique. Have you ever seen the movie "Theatre of Blood"?


No, I haven't seen that. I know that people would like to think about all their problems and they would like for all of them to go away. My main problem with your ideas is that you focus too much on the negative of life and too much on the bad things. If you only think about the bad things and the negative things in life you'll never think about the positive ones or the good things. Thinking too much about the bad things in life can make someone become a pessimist. I know that because I've been there before.

I used to always think about all the problems in my life and that got to the point where I was unable to function and it was the only thing that I talked to my friends and other people about. If people think about other things, and, take their minds off their problems... I think it'll do them some good. If people only think about their problems they will act as if they can't do anything else, and, that they don't have any solutions.

Solutions are hard to come by and it's true what you say-- that each person's situation is different... but a lot of times it isn't that bad. So, sometimes it is THAT bad. But a lot of times we just imagine that things are much more difficult than they often are.

I'm just arguing against the idea of having a runaway imagination that only focuses on the negative aspect of our lives. So what if we have thoughts that go on and on? Why not make those thoughts about something more appealing or less personal and make something worth their while?


----------



## Anti depressant

jimity said:


> To go about using the techniques write down on paper you negative thought in the following way.
> 
> 1. Negative Thought: eg: People laugh at me when I blush
> 2. Belief in thought: 100%
> 3. Anxiety: 10/10
> 4. Identify the distortions: find them in this thread on page 4.
> 5. Write a positive/ more balanced thought to each distortion
> 6. Belief % in positive thought.
> 
> You need to get the belief in the neg thought down to 0% to experience change. To use the techniques you write down the negative thought and go through the techniques to see which ones will help you out. Do it like this.
> 
> Negative thought: People laugh at me when I blush
> Belief in thought: the % you believe in it
> 
> Now go through the list of techniques to try to expose the lie of the negative thought. Remember you are your own therapist and you must expose how false a thought might be.
> 
> 1. Flooding
> You go into a situation no matter how afraid you are and see if people laugh when you blush.
> 
> 2. Gradual exposure
> This probably cannot be used for such a thought.
> 
> 3. External Focus
> When you do blush this can help keep attention away from your own blushing and so you can look out to see if people are laughing.
> 
> 4. Blank Mind
> If you are afraid to test the thought out, practice this to gain more confidence to test it in the world.
> 
> 5. Response Prevention
> When you blush you force yourself to stay to see if people will laugh.


1. Negative thought:

Rather than considering it being a negative you should consider alternatives... is the problem I'm worrying a real problem? Why am I even thinking about it? Is it because of something in the past? Why am I assuming that because something happened n the past that it'll happen now?

2. Belief in thought:

I'd be careful about making it 100%. You should really question your beliefs first, before you go crazy about them. Just speaking from experience.

3. Anxiety

You might want to lower that anxiety level. I know it's hard for a lot of you guys, but trust me, it helps.

4-5-6:

I agree with you 100% here, but, perhaps you should go straight to the positive thoughts and try to eliminate the negative more than anything.


----------



## jimity

Anti depressant said:


> No, I haven't seen that. I know that people would like to think about all their problems and they would like for all of them to go away. My main problem with your ideas is that you focus too much on the negative of life and too much on the bad things. If you only think about the bad things and the negative things in life you'll never think about the positive ones or the good things. Thinking too much about the bad things in life can make someone become a pessimist. I know that because I've been there before.
> 
> I used to always think about all the problems in my life and that got to the point where I was unable to function and it was the only thing that I talked to my friends and other people about. If people think about other things, and, take their minds off their problems... I think it'll do them some good. If people only think about their problems they will act as if they can't do anything else, and, that they don't have any solutions.
> 
> Solutions are hard to come by and it's true what you say-- that each person's situation is different... but a lot of times it isn't that bad. So, sometimes it is THAT bad. But a lot of times we just imagine that things are much more difficult than they often are.
> 
> I'm just arguing against the idea of having a runaway imagination that only focuses on the negative aspect of our lives. So what if we have thoughts that go on and on? Why not make those thoughts about something more appealing or less personal and make something worth their while?


Sa people already think too much about bad things but have no solutions to get out of it. They come on sas to go on like a flat tyre going around and around about the same basic things that all seems to scream out "HELP ME!". A lot of these people only want empathy and understanding and that's about it. They want those needs fulfilled because in the real world those needs are not being met and so they want to be coddled like helpless children. So I gave them 48 solutions to try to get themselves out of the problem so they can begin getting their needs met, whatever those needs may be so they don't need to keep going on and on and complaining about life.

At times I forgot about my social anxiety and I felt more relaxed and at other times I knew I was kidding myself. And the same will be for other people too. Things aren't that bad? Try telling an sa person to do the thing they most fear and they might have a panic attack or puke their guts out. But of course even then things aren't really that bad because most people with sa just need to see though their mental filter that only sees never ending abuse, abandonment, rejection and criticism and their own sense of worthlessness. Once they can, they can make friends, get a job, buy their own house, raise a family and see that all their negative views about themselves and about others were silly. But right now many people with sa don't have much positive things to focus on, so once they can function somewhat better thanks to these techniques, they can use their own reasoning to look back and say our incredably stupid social anxiety was.

But why should I make it more appealing or something worth their while? Maybe at the same time I can wipe their ***es for them too. I can't think of every single damn thing for these people. If I told them things like:

don't worry, people aren't so bad
you'll do fine
you're alright looking, you just can't see things from other people's perspective
you're not worthless, you're alive and life itself is precious. You're being silly when you say your worthless

Do you really think many will even listen? Many will try to explain away my positive thoughts about them. So I'll tell you what I think many of these people really need in order to see past the negatives... a good bloody boot up the behind, that's what!


----------



## Anti depressant

jimity said:


> Sa people already think too much about bad things but have no solutions to get out of it. They come on sas to go on like a flat tyre going around and around about the same basic things that all seems to scream out "HELP ME!". A lot of these people only want empathy and understanding and that's about it. They want those needs fulfilled because in the real world those needs are not being met and so they want to be coddled like helpless children. So I gave them 48 solutions to try to get themselves out of the problem so they can begin getting their needs met, whatever those needs may be so they don't need to keep going on and on and complaining about life.
> 
> At times I forgot about my social anxiety and I felt more relaxed and at other times I knew I was kidding myself. And the same will be for other people too. Things aren't that bad? Try telling an sa person to do the thing they most fear and they might have a panic attack or puke their guts out. But of course even then things aren't really that bad because most people with sa just need to see though their mental filter that only sees never ending abuse, abandonment, rejection and criticism and their own sense of worthlessness. Once they can, they can make friends, get a job, buy their own house, raise a family and see that all their negative views about themselves and about others were silly. But right now many people with sa don't have much positive things to focus on, so once they can function somewhat better thanks to these techniques, they can use their own reasoning to look back and say our incredably stupid social anxiety was.
> 
> But why should I make it more appealing or something worth their while? Maybe at the same time I can wipe their ***es for them too. I can't think of every single damn thing for these people. If I told them things like:
> 
> don't worry, people aren't so bad
> you'll do fine
> you're alright looking, you just can't see things from other people's perspective
> you're not worthless, you're alive and life itself is precious. You're being silly when you say your worthless
> 
> Do you really think many will even listen? Many will try to explain away my positive thoughts about them. So I'll tell you what I think many of these people really need in order to see past the negatives... a good bloody boot up the behind, that's what!


What makes you think that what you're doing is offering solutions? Solutions are answers to people's problems. You're only offering the status-quo. People here don't want to face anxiety all their life. They want a change in it. I've gotten over a lot of my anxiety, and, I admit that I still have some every now and then... it is possible to get beyond being socially awkward. A lot of it has to do with thinking that you can't do it. Once you get beyond that... you're teaching people that they can't do it, and, that's just simply not a solution. That's a problem.


----------



## jimity

Anti depressant said:


> What makes you think that what you're doing is offering solutions? Solutions are answers to people's problems. You're only offering the status-quo. People here don't want to face anxiety all their life. They want a change in it. I've gotten over a lot of my anxiety, and, I admit that I still have some every now and then... it is possible to get beyond being socially awkward. A lot of it has to do with thinking that you can't do it. Once you get beyond that... you're teaching people that they can't do it, and, that's just simply not a solution. That's a problem.


How are these maintaining anxiety? You explain to me from your perspective how these will keep the problem going or make it worse? How am I teaching people they can't do a thing? Every single thing written down here is basically saying if they want to get over anxiety sooner or later they just have to realize they have to get off their *** and do something... and since they don't have a clue what to do this is part of a solution to the ultimate problem. Go through the forums and you'll see many people cannot do a thing to help themselves. Sure, they love to stew in their own sense of helplessness by telling themselves things are too hard so telling themselves things are not that hard would help. You said you got over a lot of your anxiety, so what's your magical solution to anxiety and awkwardness? Oh wait, its positive thinking!... Just think things are not that bad and they won't be. Wow! I should have put that down as no. 49. Wait a minute, I did infact have something like that in one of the other techniques. But anyway that way is basically trying to deny there is diffiuclty in the first place by attempting to 'think' it away. If it worked for you then good on ya! What if it doesn't work for someone else... I suppose it's bad luck for them. Why don't you go in the forums and tell people your way of dealing with anxiety is by telling yourself things are not that hard.... good luck with convincing them on an emotional level, the part where it counts.


----------



## Anti depressant

jimity said:


> How are these maintaining anxiety? You explain to me from your perspective how these will keep the problem going or make it worse? How am I teaching people they can't do a thing? Every single thing written down here is basically saying if they want to get over anxiety sooner or later they just have to realize they have to get off their *** and do something... and since they don't have a clue what to do this is part of a solution to the ultimate problem. Go through the forums and you'll see many people cannot do a thing to help themselves. Sure, they love to stew in their own sense of helplessness by telling themselves things are too hard so telling themselves things are not that hard would help. You said you got over a lot of your anxiety, so what's your magical solution to anxiety and awkwardness? Oh wait, its positive thinking!... Just think things are not that bad and they won't be. Wow! I should have put that down as no. 49. Wait a minute, I did infact have something like that in one of the other techniques. But anyway that way is basically trying to deny there is diffiuclty in the first place by attempting to 'think' it away. If it worked for you then good on ya! What if it doesn't work for someone else... I suppose it's bad luck for them. Why don't you go in the forums and tell people your way of dealing with anxiety is by telling yourself things are not that hard.... good luck with convincing them on an emotional level, the part where it counts.


I understand where you're coming from and I know that these techniques are useful to people that are dealing with extreme anxiety techniques. I'm not denying that your techniques work however-- once you get over your social anxiety and your social awkwardness and the "social reject" phase, then, you should stop thinking negatively and you shouldn't do the thought flooding techniques. That will only make yourself feel worse.

Of course, I know what it's like to be a social reject and I know that many other people here probably are dealing with the same situation as I experienced last year-- if not worse. I was tired of only being acquaintances with people, or, not making very many friends. I never really had that many friends for my time in high-school and when I was in community college, so, last year I wanted to branch out more socially. Initially I was constantly rejected-- yet there were some people who befriended me. I overcame my fears and I overcame my anxieties, and, once I found a group of dependable people that I could trust, I stopped worrying so much, and I started thinking positively.

I would really recommend that you go into more detail about perceived and actual dangers... because a lot of people with anxiety worry about problems that are just the result of their mental state. I know why we do that... and I still do that myself. I worry a lot about problems that I have or am dealing with even if they're with good friends of mine because of what happened in the past. So, what these people need to do is to distinguish between the past, and the present. They need positive affirmations.... rather than saying, these people won't accept me, they won't like me, no one will talk to me... they should say, how should I approach this person, and, how can I befriend them, and, what am I going to do then?

Learning to trust other people, and, not projecting past situations on the present are two situations that have helped me very much. I wouldn't have gotten this far with conquering my SA and actually feeling confident about myself for a change if I hadn't been able to put the past beside me.

I'm just saying-- flooding only kept me thinking about all my problems-- and not about other things. So, I'm just recommending that people keep a positive attitude so they don't defeat themselves, and, so they can do things they enjoy and find worthwhile. And if you look at my posting history-- you can tell that I have been trying to make an effort to reach out to people here and tell them that it's just their mental state (as it was mine).

However, there are people that were social rejects like me, and it's very hard to tell them that it's their mental state. But they just need to find dependable people like I did, and then, they won't worry as much.


----------



## jimity

I used flooding for small things that allowed me to be independent such as buying a car... I just forced myself to go and do it. I forced myself to go and do my own things (like filling the car with fuel, banking, shopping etc) because back then my mother had to do all of that for me. The anxiety died down but still came back time after time because I still had the underlying negative beliefs and assumptions which I needed to discover and change using cognitive techniques and conducting behavioural experiments. Then the anxiety lessened even more because I had changed the underlying negative thoughts and I forgot I had anxiety doing those things. So for some things, flooding would work such as leaving the house, right now many people cannot leave the house. If people can leave their house that is a HUGE step for them. These techniques are catered to all anxieties, not just anxiety concerning making friends and building relationships. I couldn't leave the house because I thought people would stare and I dwelled on this thought until I realize that maybe they won't stare. I used external focus which I learned from someone and then I stepped out and eventually I realized that I'm usually the one looking out the window at other people when they are outside, so it probably was projection of my own negative attitude and thoughts about others.

For me, my social anxiety would occur the most at the start-up phase of meeting people and taper off either slowly overtime or very quickly. When I started high school I had only one friend. Then he got sick and stayed away for a week and I pushed myself to talk to others and I made more friends. Your situation is probably very common among people with sa; once they find a group of people that can relate to and trust, their fears subside. Then their worry and rumination should also subside with it and they will not need to use any techniques whatsoever and I don't see why they should (if they are not anxious or in a negative mindstate then there is little point).... but they still have their negative beliefs and assumptions ingrained in them, they are just not active at the time. The problem they have to figure out is how to get over the initial anxiety so they can connect with others so they can "deactivate" their negative view on things. But maybe some people are just afraid to expose their social anxiety symptoms like blushing or shaking in front of others instead of feeling rejected for who they are. This is where these techniques will come in more handy I think.... rather than using them for dealing with personality traits that lead to feelings of disconnection and rejection from others.

You seemed to have motivation to make friends... if people were more motivated things wouldn't feel so hard because the motivation would put them into a different state of mind. Many people should tell themselves things can change... they are able to form relationships and do the things they want to do instead of reasoning using their negative emotions. This is why cognitive therapy is the first and foremost choice for sa because it will teach them ways of digging themselves out of negative mindstates.

And when you are willing to put yourself out there and expose yourself to rejection and are willing to pick yourself up after failure and then find success, you will get a boost of confidence that will keep you going further. Then it comes down to the person in how they react to rejection and how sensitive they are to it.

People will have their own individual fears that they should work on by coming up with ways to deal with them or approach them. To many people with sa, they cannot even begin to think differently because those negative thoughts are so ingrained they have to be physically shaken to realize they can think differently about the situation, so they can see there is more than just one path to go down.... Maybe people wont reject me, what if I am accepted? How do I handle things if I get taken up for a date? But what do people tell themselves if they feel worthless or feel their emotional needs are worthless and want to hide them away because they feel ashamed over them?


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## memoria

you obviously spent alot of time on composing this list or researching the information, and I commend you for that, you really are making an effort to help some of us. I hwever found none of this information to be useful, while I can understand, I just dont see how to actually use it.


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## alex123

So far ive been able to use the gradual exposure, ive been doing it a long time, everytime I go to the shop I look at the employees in the eyes and I talk loud, so its something, and also ive been able too prevent my blushing in the bus by using the external focus. So thanks for your techniques, so far their working


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## jimity

memoria said:


> you obviously spent alot of time on composing this list or researching the information, and I commend you for that, you really are making an effort to help some of us. I hwever found none of this information to be useful, while I can understand, I just dont see how to actually use it.


It is to be used when doing cbt. They will give you ideas on how to challenge negative beliefs and assumptions plus ideas on how to go about behavioural experiments.


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## jimity

alex123 said:


> So far ive been able to use the gradual exposure, ive been doing it a long time, everytime I go to the shop I look at the employees in the eyes and I talk loud, so its something, and also ive been able too prevent my blushing in the bus by using the external focus. So thanks for your techniques, so far theiur working


Glad to hear they are working.


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## jimity

geoff said:


> Positive thinking can only do so much if you lack the social skills to back it up. Check out the website titled mysocialupgrade for some good, practical advice for improving your social skills and confidence. It can take time, but my social anxiety is 99% gone now after some years of practice.


I checked it out and I must say there are lots of tips we can all benefit from. Only problem I find when the other party isn't interested in wanting to continue the conversation or isn't a willing participant.


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## whywhywhywhy

Good stuff. Thank you very much!


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## James48

*Just joined-love this post-will have to try some*

I'm a strong believer in trying anything that may work. I want to help keep this thread alive.


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## ChiefHuggingBear

http://www.livestrong.com/article/469863-ginger-for-depression/


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## Lost in Universe

WOW, its gona take a while to read everything, but i believe theres some precious information here.
Thank you very much.


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## Michael13453

Great information. I'm starting to write down my feelings now.


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## moke64916

Willpower is strong. There may come a time in your life when you finally decide that you have had enough worry, and anxiety. That will motivate you to stop ever thinking about it. Instead you will stay present in the moment. And in the present moment is when all suffering comes to an end. In fact if you remain present in the moment you will heal yourself in full. The present moment is the only moment that is, yet most people do not see it in full. But it is only here and now that all your pain can come to an end. For that when you are present you are not thinking of past and future, and in the ansense of that, you then feel great. A matter of fact the only time you have ever felt great was when you were present. Yet the present moment cannot be understood or described with thought. For the fact when you are present you are not aware of time, psychologically, and when one tries to understand what they have just experienced, they never can. Because thoughts can only think of past and future. That relative to time itself.


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## jimity

moke64916 said:


> Willpower is strong. There may come a time in your life when you finally decide that you have had enough worry, and anxiety. That will motivate you to stop ever thinking about it. Instead you will stay present in the moment. And in the present moment is when all suffering comes to an end. In fact if you remain present in the moment you will heal yourself in full. The present moment is the only moment that is, yet most people do not see it in full. But it is only here and now that all your pain can come to an end. For that when you are present you are not thinking of past and future, and in the ansense of that, you then feel great. A matter of fact the only time you have ever felt great was when you were present. Yet the present moment cannot be understood or described with thought. For the fact when you are present you are not aware of time, psychologically, and when one tries to understand what they have just experienced, they never can. Because thoughts can only think of past and future. That relative to time itself.


Mindfulness or pure awareness is related to metacognition i think. Metacognition being our thoughts and feelings about our own feelings and thoughts. Without engaging in metacognition one can reduce psychological distress and become detached to one's own experience of the conceptual world and thus learn how to stay in the present moment.


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## samuel89

Thank, its going to be helpful. I will try to print it out all and master it.


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## moke64916

jimity said:


> Mindfulness or pure awareness is related to metacognition i think. Metacognition being our thoughts and feelings about our own feelings and thoughts. Without engaging in metacognition one can reduce psychological distress and become detached to one's own experience of the conceptual world and thus learn how to stay in the present moment.


Well said my friend. Only without resistance permenantly can anyone achieve full consciousness and live with pure joy and love itself.


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## Ilio

Wow, I can't believe I overlooked this thread! This is very helpful, thx!


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## humourless

Ilio said:


> Wow, I can't believe I overlooked this thread! This is very helpful, thx!


me too


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## lazy

jimity said:


> Mindfulness or pure awareness is related to metacognition i think. Metacognition being our thoughts and feelings about our own feelings and thoughts. Without engaging in metacognition one can reduce psychological distress and become detached to one's own experience of the conceptual world and thus learn how to stay in the present moment.


reminds me of something from the Soul Without Shame book. It's about how the superego (inner critic) totally owns your *** throughout your life. I better muster up the will to go through with that book. Learning to detect cognitive distortions from another book seems like it would produce a good double barreled effect.

looking at myself though, all the good stuff being said here and in the books are merely rhetorics until I stop being a shut-in. So... soo ... sooo close. The words make sense but being there in the present with anxiety, compeltely diff.

I've also set up the death reference idea mentioned in the OP, such that I can't lose. but shucks, It leaves me open for a blowback effect ...that being dying too early.


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## billphilbertson

gohan said:


> Phone sex, drunk women, prostitutes=gradual exposure. LOL


Where does jacking yourself of fit in on the exposure hierachy? lol

In all seroiusness, some very useful stuff there!


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## Jitters28

Amazing thread. The weird thing is that after reading this, I can already see that I'm headed in this direction. Basically, I've stopped caring what ANYBODY thinks of me (including my family) as long as I know MYSELF to be doing right by me, so long as I'm not harming others.

I kind of have the "eh, **** it. let's see what happens" mentality right now and it's getting stronger by the day. Right now I literally have nothing (no friends, parents don't talk to me, nothing). This thread fits perfectly because it basically says "just do it. If you fail, oh well. Walk away."

Once you hit rock bottom the only way you can go is up.


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## azure5

*Tip.*

When I feel intimidated by others in a social situation, I think to myself, "They're just people."

They're just people like you who may have not shared the same past, but they are human and share some mutual feelings with you.

Nothing to be afraid of.

What's the worst they can do, judge you harshly?

That makes them the lower person, and you win both ways.


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## hellinnorway

excellent thread, jimity. thanks for putting together these cbt techniques, as they are very useful


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## frica

some really useful techniques here, thank you all


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## Parasitichipotlewrap

I've tried many and they seem to be on point and actually work out just fine. If you think about it, the line that stops us from being social is practically invisible! look at it like that and try to walk past it. another crack on the sidewalk, that's all.


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## jimity

Parasitichipotlewrap said:


> I've tried many and they seem to be on point and actually work out just fine. If you think about it, the line that stops us from being social is practically invisible! look at it like that and try to walk past it. another crack on the sidewalk, that's all.


Social anxiety can be side-stepped (at least for a while) using all sorts of psychological gymnastics.


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## martin79

*feel*

even reading the hints and tips made me feel more relaxed.witch was very surprising...


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## Tweedy

Thanks for this, I will favorite this thread and revisit it later.


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## Zuff

This is so far my favorite thread on here.


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## Blackwolf

I don't know if it's been mentioned before, but breathing also has a very important function in relation to fear. When you're in fear, you breathing becomes tightened. This is exactly what makes you feel miserable after a while.

Breath deeply for a while, and you'll notice you will start feeling better.


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## mcmuffinme

forgiving yourself for gaffs is always helpful. don't condemn yourself for merely sounding silly, or incoherent. just shrug and acknowledge that discourse is imperfect, and there's no use crying over spilled milk, as the saying goes. Once a mistake has been made you have to accept that it has happened, and that it is also not a big deal.


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## Jr189

Very useful info. Thanks!


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## river1

Insert yourself in situations with the mindset to achieve something, not to worry what other people think of you. Stand tall, look up try and smile and look straight ahead. If anyone has anything rude to say to you smile and tell them that your remarks weren't necessary because you truly don't care after that if anyone was listening give them all a smile and carry on with your day unaffected. If anyone has anything positive to say thank them or engage in conversation. 

I try my best to keep this in mind.


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## Reverie18

i think i may have tried some of these techniques in the past without realizing what they were, but they proved successful  

Thanks for gathering up all these methods into one place! 
i will read through them all once more and try my best to apply them!


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## slimswavy

the part about everyone dying someday helped me so much. it was just what i needed to hear right now..that's such a good coping method


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## Piscesfish202

This is like the best thread ever!! So much useful stuff....makes me feel really hopeful, grateful, and encouraged


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## FabriqueDeSpaceTime

Wow this is great, thank you.


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## BoringBum

This is awesome


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## jaleal

*Change*

I am not going to claim to be a professional but I do have some friends w/ severe anxiety and at times like anyone else I get it too, but i have learned that changing little things in your life do help. I have learned starting new things such as new techniques to approaching people or gradually but daily changing your surroundings to help you get used to people around. I wrote a few blogs about these topics, they were not directed towards anxiety but they can help w/ social anxiety as I have done them myself and have had friends do them as well and it can work. http://jleal-focuspointtopics.blogspot.com thanks


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## SmartCar

wow:clap my favorite one, was when, say your feeling anxious in a situation, and u focus your attention on something else, and keep it there, i definitely enjoyed that advice, i'll still have to print and read up so i can get a jist, thanks sooo much.


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## psychstudent

*Social Phobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder*

Hi, I am a high school student conducting a research project about the similarities between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder for my Independent Research G/T class. It would be a huge help if you could complete this form. All answers are completely anonymous.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dEhydjhtWHJhdGR4Q1FYOHdqV3gzWUE6MQ


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## Azz

the best technique is still "not givin a single ****" and its easier than you think just not thinkin about anything i always listen to music walkin down the street or at the mall its important you choose good music like dance trance club music because these make you happy and dance just imagine urself dancin infront a crowd like a professional , i swear poeple just thinkin about being happy JUST TELLING YOURE MIND YOURE HAPPY MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE its sooooo easy it always works for me and i hope for you too


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## JadedAm

These are some very good techniques. I'm going to incorporate them into my free time.


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## Martinzky

Read this today...

"...Most people get very upset when they are called negative names by others, but there is a simple trick to overcoming this. Here it is: If I went up to you and called you a fire hydrant, would you be upset? Of course not. Obviously you are not a fire hydrant, you are a human being. The same concept applies to when someone calls you something that you know you are not. They are foolish for saying such things, so why would you react with such anger? The only exception is when someone calls you something that is true! In this case, you should thank them for alerting you to a weakness, one that you can now work on changing..."

At: http://www.highexistence.com/life-secrets-and-tips/?sms_ss=stumbleupon&at_xt=4d42de3bc63a2878,0

Felt that it was worth sharing. Being called an "idiot, for instance, is just like being called a "fire hydrant". It's just words that it's not point to get worked up for


----------



## SambaBus

This looks very useful, I will try some of these techniques in the future. Thank you.


----------



## yelmin12

Thank you jimity for posting such a useful technique.


----------



## Funny Girl

Wow, that is a lot of info!  Great post (more like a book!) I also found kava kava (a natural supplement that works like valium but without the side effects) to be very useful, and not just because you 'think' you have taken something to help, it does actually have a calming effect, without the 'drugged' feeling, imo!


----------



## KramersHalfSister

These are actually pretty good techniques and easily doable. All except suggesting going to a prostitute for gradual exposure. Now maybe it's just my weird brain acting up but I think that catching an std or possibly even HIV would make a person's anxiety skyrocket. Not a very safe


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## itcybitcyspider

I dont know hOw to start a thread n i just did something ridiculous in a party i just wept


----------



## itcybitcyspider

I cried n i really hate myself for that


----------



## itcybitcyspider

Plz suggest something to stay composed


----------



## Midnight Laces

Mind if I copy all the techniques into my computer notepad?


----------



## Socialrecluse

I've found that trying to look at yourself "through the eyes of someone with a good heart" helps you overcome paranoia or nervy feelings before meeting or making eye contact with others. Try not to look at yourself "through the eyes of someone judgemental", but imagine someone without your own hang ups thinking about your good points.


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## MushroomGeek

interesting


----------



## Tyler Bro

Or a lot of benzo's. :/

haha


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## killingtime

Acceptance therapy guys, you ever heard of it? you cant just ignore your thought, refocus your attention..try not thinking of a big yellow elephant..go on..do it...doesnt work, acceptance is the only way..one metaphor in the book that I love..your fighting in a war (your social anxiety, your feelings of worthlessness due to this),, step away from the battlefield. The war carries on yes but you accept this and carry on with life.


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## killingtime

omg social recluse...Ive never even thought of doing that..I love the fact you get so many helpful tips off people on here..Its so good knowing were in it together. Love to you all x


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## jesica24

What if you feel like everybody is looking at you with a judgemental eye? In this mad world everybody judges! Even me...


----------



## Boombox

*Keep busy*

I always say just keep yourself occupied. Anything that requires problem solving is great. Whether it's puzzles or games or even fixing a broken light switch in your kitchen, it all requires focused brain power that would otherwise be wasted on constant worrying. And the bonus is that you'll feel more confident when you solve the problems. If you're confident enough, you can use your problem solving techniques and apply them in a skilled trade and earn a living. That's how I'm able to get over my anxiety for the most part. Keep my mind occupied and make a living? How can you go wrong with that?


----------



## TobeyJuarez

Neil75 said:


> There's a lot of good stuff here, but I would urge everyone to take this bit with a large pinch of salt:
> 
> Seeking sex like this is very likely to make your SA 10x worse. First of all, the relationship with a prostitute or lapdancer is a financial one. Hollywood is full of myths about hookers with hearts of gold, but the reality is likely to be a cold, emotionless transaction with a high likelihood of making you hate yourself even more in the aftermath.
> 
> To make matters worse, the experience could, on a physical level, be addictive. You could end up stuck in a cycle of using prostitutes to satisfy your physical urges without nourishing your emotional needs and your feelings of self worth will plummet. You could also end up being deterred from seeking a 'proper' relationships as your physical needs are being (kind of) met.
> 
> Whereas your SA means you probably imagine that in normal life a woman hates you, there is every chance that a prostitute _really does_ hate you. Particularly if she's suffered abuse in her past as many of them have. So ask yourself this: do you really want to be another part of her ongoing misery? Do you really want sex with someone who hates you anyway?
> 
> We all have sexual needs and desires, but sex shouldn't be an end in itself. It should be part of an intimate loving relationship. You will not get that with a prostitute.
> 
> I know that initiating contact with women isn't easy, but believe it or not they're not the unattainable, castrating maneaters some guys think they are. If you have problems approaching women, you just need to work on your confidence a bit and discover that rejection ain't the worse thing that can happen - it's quite easy to be knocked back _and_ maintain your dignity!
> 
> Thanks to the internet there are loads of opportunities to meet women who share similar interests to you. Loads of women even suffer from the same confidence issues as us men too. Hell, _this_ site should have a dating section!
> 
> Using a prostitute as a substitute is just a way of avoiding your problems. It certainly won't help you deal with them.
> 
> Good luck!


i dont think he meant to have sex with... i think he meant to use the prostitute to get used to talking to people of the opposite sex in person... face to face


----------



## TobeyJuarez

*^*

although i will admit that is a little extreme


----------



## InThe519

RichardWood said:


> Oh,so many methods!Thanks for sharing.


Absolutely, thanks


----------



## Martinzky

Boombox said:


> I always say just keep yourself occupied. Anything that requires problem solving is great. Whether it's puzzles or games or even fixing a broken light switch in your kitchen, it all requires focused brain power that would otherwise be wasted on constant worrying. And the bonus is that you'll feel more confident when you solve the problems. If you're confident enough, you can use your problem solving techniques and apply them in a skilled trade and earn a living. That's how I'm able to get over my anxiety for the most part. Keep my mind occupied and make a living? How can you go wrong with that?


I recognize this approach very well, because I've used it so much over the last year or so. I've been doing so much uniwork, since it takes my mind of anxious thoughts. But I came to the conclusion that I was just escaping the problem. Sure, it helps get anxious thoughts out of the head, but as soon as I had nothing to occupy myself with, I was back at square one: anxious and depressed.

That is why I've started practising mindfulness, as well as other techniques that brings my attention to what is happening right now. And when I succesfully do this, concentrate on the present, I'm too busy paying attention to what people are saying, what is on tv, what is happening right infront of me, to have anxious thoughts. This (mindfulness), at least for me, has brought some peace and I highly recommend it!


----------



## WittyName

*I don't know what to do.*

After reading a bit about it today, I think I might have mild SA, but I'm not quite sure, because, while some symptoms certainly feel like me, some behavioral traits certainly aren't.

For quite a while now, probably since somewhere in early middle school or late elementary school, I've really disliked myself. This grew throughout the years, up through two or three years ago, which I would call the peak of my Social-ineptitude. I wouldn't talk to people that weren't my friends (of which I had one or two at most), and even those constantly felt as though I was on the "outskirts" of the "group." Despite being in the same class with people for a couple years, I didn't even know their names. While I could make jokes about myself and my friends, and generally disguise some level of my lack of confidence, it was certainly less than ideal.

Then I proceeded to adopt what might basically be called a "Screw it, I'll do it anyway" type mentality. I forced myself into situations that I knew I'd fail in. I knew I'd do horribly and people would judge me, but I simply did them anyways. This type of thing (forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations) seems to actually be a pretty common part of SA treatment. :O So I'd end up getting up in front of people and doing something (for example, singing or whatever though my voice is absolute crap). I started taking acting classes and have grown to love them.

Sounds great, right? Here I am, talking to people, laughing with them, actually learning people's names (a first, this year! I know more than 3 people's names!), chatting it up, being normal.

But it's not. Because, despite doing all these things, I often feel sort of...guh it's hard to describe...Sometimes it literally feels like my organs are twisted in knots. I still have all the thoughts from when I didn't interact with people, and "doing it anyways," while it has helped with outward appearance, hasn't helped the inner issues.

Basically, I have _really_ low self esteem. Any time I do something in front of people, I know I'm going to fail. Any time I do things, I know I'm horrible and that people judge me for it and that I'm the worst one up there and that, secretly, they must be wondering why the hell I persist in doing this when I should just leave. An acting major, obviously, compounds the number of times this happens, made all the worse by that you can't even try to get somewhat better without people being there every step of the way, because acting is innately a collaborative process. And actors do, from what little experience I have, do a good bit of complaining about people behind their backs. It's like...I know I was absolute **** and I'd actually feel better about you saying it to my face because at least then it'd be there.

I don't like my appearance, but that's common enough, and avoid pictures like the plague if at all possible. I don't like hugs and haven't been someone that willingly hugs people since I was 5, but I've been trying to force myself into that too. I've never been in a relationship, nor felt the inclination to be in one, and am pretty certain that I'm asexual (though at 18 there are still enough changes for your body to go through that some people apparently think they're completely asexual until it hits them up to as late as their early 20s), so whenever anything mentions "lust," or whatever way you want to put it, as an innate part of being human, it just makes me feel all the worse (and believe me, this is a common thing to be said). I've had a few panic attacks, mostly when something is coming up soon that I have to do and don't want to fail at (and then I fail at it, surprise).

But all that aside, my difficulty is probably in the duality of the "already doing the things" yet with the mentality of someone that, most often, probably would not be. I can't really do the whole "ladder system" thing that I've read about, because I already do the things I fear and that doesn't really help the fear, stress, and internal pain and conflict, and as such I can't get the confidence boost from going "hey look, I actually managed to do that without making a fool of myself." I know I need to fix this. I need to "like myself" or gain self confidence or what have you. But I'm stuck.

Everyone you talk to always says that it basically boils down to making yourself think well of yourself, or saying you do until it's true, or combating the negative thoughts. But it doesn't work like that. I can't combat the idea that I did horribly unless there was some sort of proof or evidence that I didn't, but that is impossible to get.

I just sort of...stumbled on to these forums and read a bit and then basically reading about it made me feel even crappier about myself because I have some of the things, but not in a debilitating way, or anywhere near so bad as some, or most, of you, so I really shouldn't complain. Welp. This ended up being a rant. :um I'm just gonna...post this and have no one read it.


----------



## WittyName

...:afr

I didn't intend this to be here. I think somehow it auto-logging me out and logging in again put it here rather than as a separate thread or something. I don't see how to edit or delete a post, though. D:


----------



## WhiteWolf99

Martinzky said:


> I recognize this approach very well, because I've used it so much over the last year or so. I've been doing so much uniwork, since it takes my mind of anxious thoughts. But I came to the conclusion that I was just escaping the problem. Sure, it helps get anxious thoughts out of the head, but as soon as I had nothing to occupy myself with, I was back at square one: anxious and depressed.
> 
> That is why I've started practising mindfulness, as well as other techniques that brings my attention to what is happening right now. And when I succesfully do this, concentrate on the present, I'm too busy paying attention to what people are saying, what is on tv, what is happening right infront of me, to have anxious thoughts. This (mindfulness), at least for me, has brought some peace and I highly recommend it!


It's a good technique for less important things. But if it's really getting in your way, you need to deal with it.


----------



## NoTea

Hi, just went for my first session with my psychologist. Would like to know this first session, my psychologist take the time to understand me and know my history etc and told me that next session on, she will be using CBT to help me and integrate mindfulness therapy into it too gradually. Is it an ok approach? Cause its my first time seeing a psychologist seeking help. 

Also, she knew i had some financial problem thus, she suggest to me on her own account that she will ask her boss whether she can change the fee from $180 to around $120 for the rest of the sessions. Its a private clinic though and do you guys think this psychologist is good? Thanks.


----------



## Tena

Drawing a person's facial expressions after meeting them


----------



## twilightmoon

Socialrecluse said:


> I've found that trying to look at yourself "through the eyes of someone with a good heart" helps you overcome paranoia or nervy feelings before meeting or making eye contact with others. Try not to look at yourself "through the eyes of someone judgemental", but imagine someone without your own hang ups thinking about your good points.


That sounds really smart. I think I will try that tomorrow at school.

I've had one week of summer vacation, and tomorrow I go back to school.  I am so not looking forward to it. It frightens me to make constant eye contact with my teacher, particularly when she is reviewing for the test on thursdays, and she asks questions openly and whoever knows the answer usually answers. She never calls on people thankfully. But it's the strain of having to keep my eye contact on her to show I am paying attention and what not is what scares the **** out of me. She knows how quiet I am in class, but she has not made much comment about it and usually leaves me to my own devices.


----------



## Suraj

Just Tony said:


> Falccooooo BUMP


WOW LMAO! lol


----------



## rgrwng

i tel my self not to give a damn about anything, then rebuild my "care about" list slowly.


----------



## WhiteWolf99

Although it might look a bit stupid, EFT really does help.





Only requirement is that you respect yourself and your feelings. Take your time.


----------



## Saurus

*Push and Feel*

EVERYONE. Please, you need to do everything you can to explore this anxiety of yours and push yourself through discomfort as often as you can. You need to practice meditation and be aware of what is happening. Don't prize yourself as an introvert anymore--- it's part of the problem. The thing is, it really is all in your head. Every time 'you' think about 'your' social anxiety you are automatically contextualizing your identity as being a socially awkward/anxious person, and these worrying thought loops result in your physical discomfort, etc etc. You cannot think yourself out of this problem, or you will be worse off than when you began, and you will think away your entire life. You need to scrutinize every thought you have and ask 'why do I feel this way'--- and you can't just intellectualize the problem, you have to stay with the feelings you have and just hold them up to your heart and feel what they are, and eventually they will dissolve or be replaced by joy. Be aware of how you feel/think/react to everything. Follow the breath as often as you can and stay with that throughout the day, everyday--- the socially anxious thoughts won't be reactivated as often if you stick with this. You will find that you don't need to constantly analyze everything related to social anxiety and that things will feel more spontaneous/joyful in the long haul. The bad thing about analysis is that each time you analyze 'your' situation you are by default assuming that you are a socially anxious person and there is a problem to get rid of. That is an assumption that is repeated in your thoughts all the time and it is the lens through which you see the world. Everything you reject as wrong/right narrows your character down further and further. You are the product of conditioning, you need to see how your gears work and see if taking a new path is possible-- don't trust thoughts, challenge them. ps I say this as a person who used to go to this site a lot and has made a lot of leaps and bounds in the past year by meditating a lot and just trying to be generally more aware of how my thoughts/I react to my environment. 



. Peace out, and good luck everyone.


----------



## Invisiblehandicap

Technique:

Do not think of anxiety and you as being the same entity / person. Anxiety is not a part of your true self. It is a virus that infects your true self. It is inside you, but is not you. Without anxiety who would you be?

It is not your fault if anxiety makes you do something stupid, because anxiety is not a part of your true self, it is a virus. It is your fault however, for not stopping the virus from making you do stupid things . Therefore, you are responsible to find out ways to decrease you anxiety by taking 'medicines'. 

We do not blame people with chemically induced mental illnesses so why would you blame yourself? Is it your fault that you do not have an immediate genius cure for anxiety? 

So basically, do not be ashamed of SA. SA is not you. You still have to fight it though, to the best of your ability.


----------



## lizzy19

cognitive-behavioural therapy I'm actually doing this with my therapist


----------



## sdee

this is great! thanks!


----------



## kdahlgren

*A great resource*

I found this website to be of great help when working to overcome anxiety... Great tips and articles.

http://www.livingwithanxiety.com/


----------



## deealexie

Thank you sososososo much!


----------



## Regina63

*I am not insecure!!!*

People just love to tell you when they find out you're sensitive that you need to be more secure. Insecurity isn't a particular problem for me, confusion about why I often don't get the reaction I expect is a life time source of pain. So this post is for people who aren't especially shy, but are in constant pain because of their attempts to fit in:

Anyway, what's helped me most is strategies that help me see that most people are grossly incurious about anything but themselves and if you just try to test that theory out (instead of trying to test your bravery) you'll probably finish the day with a lot more peace of mind.

Along those lines, I'll also post some advice by entrep. Todd Smith about likability.

1. Talk less-I have been intentional about talking less. After 
all you can't say anything stupid when you aren't talking. Sitting 
back, listening and observing others talk has been an enlightening 
experience for me. There's always someone who wants the floor. It's 
been a lot like watching a movie with your friends, family or 
colleagues in the starring roles.

2. Ask questions-I have been EXTRA intentional about asking people 
questions. Asking questions forces you to listen more than you 
talk and requires you to think about what you are going to say 
because you can't ask a question without thinking about it first.

I've observed two remarkable things. One, my questions have 
allowed others to talk more which they clearly have enjoyed. In 
some cases I've seen them light up when answering my questions. 
Second, asking questions has demonstrated my interest in them, 
naturally drawing us closer. I feel all of my relationships have 
improved using this technique.

3. Don't talk about me-I have been blessed with a rewarding 
career, financial success and an extraordinary family life and it's 
hard not to talk about myself and be proud of my accomplishments. 
The last thing I want to do is sound egotistical and it's hard to 
find the right balance.

So for right now, I'm not going to talk about ME. I have learned 
that people prefer talking about themselves and I would rather have 
conversation revolving around my interest in them.

4. The "Two-Second Rule"-This is one of the effective 
communication tips I've discussed in several blog posts. After 
someone finishes speaking, wait two seconds to make sure they have 
completed their thoughts.

Focusing on this has been eye opening. In most cases someone's 
pause only lasts one second and they start talking again. Some 
people speak slowly; others wait to see if you have something to 
say and if you don't, they continue to speak.

Being deliberate with the two-second rule has definitely reduced 
the number of words coming out of my mouth and my odds of saying 
something I later regret.

5. Focusing on responding, not reacting-It seems like when I feel 
angry, aggravated or frustrated, I am at a high risk of saying 
something I might later regret. Am I alone?

I now try to "take a step back" when I feel like I could say 
something I might regret. Using my self-control I say to myself 
over and over again, "Be smart. Don't say anything you will regret. 
Be smart. Don't say anything you will regret." This has been VERY 
hard at times and I can't tell you I have been perfect; but I have 
made great progress.

6. Thinking before speaking-Lastly, because of the combination of 
these points and my strong desire to improve in this area, I have 
just been more careful with what I say. I think writing the Little 
Things Matter blog and interacting with people on the Little Things 
Matter Facebook page has made me more aware of what I say and how I 
handle myself in my interactions with others. It has forced me to 
think before I write or speak and consider how my words may be 
interpreted by others.


----------



## joe0008

*Exposure Therapy*

I have found that Exposure Therapy is THE Best way to overcome low self esteem. :doh


----------



## Invisiblehandicap

Regina63 said:


> People just love to tell you when they find out you're sensitive that you need to be more secure. Insecurity isn't a particular problem for me, confusion about why I often don't get the reaction I expect is a life time source of pain. So this post is for people who aren't especially shy, but are in constant pain because of their attempts to fit in:
> 
> Anyway, what's helped me most is strategies that help me see that most people are grossly incurious about anything but themselves and if you just try to test that theory out (instead of trying to test your bravery) you'll probably finish the day with a lot more peace of mind.
> 
> Along those lines, I'll also post some advice by entrep. Todd Smith about likability.
> 
> 1. Talk less-I have been intentional about talking less. After
> all you can't say anything stupid when you aren't talking. Sitting
> back, listening and observing others talk has been an enlightening
> experience for me. There's always someone who wants the floor. It's
> been a lot like watching a movie with your friends, family or
> colleagues in the starring roles.
> 
> 2. Ask questions-I have been EXTRA intentional about asking people
> questions. Asking questions forces you to listen more than you
> talk and requires you to think about what you are going to say
> because you can't ask a question without thinking about it first.
> 
> I've observed two remarkable things. One, my questions have
> allowed others to talk more which they clearly have enjoyed. In
> some cases I've seen them light up when answering my questions.
> Second, asking questions has demonstrated my interest in them,
> naturally drawing us closer. I feel all of my relationships have
> improved using this technique.
> 
> 3. Don't talk about me-I have been blessed with a rewarding
> career, financial success and an extraordinary family life and it's
> hard not to talk about myself and be proud of my accomplishments.
> The last thing I want to do is sound egotistical and it's hard to
> find the right balance.
> 
> So for right now, I'm not going to talk about ME. I have learned
> that people prefer talking about themselves and I would rather have
> conversation revolving around my interest in them.
> 
> 4. The "Two-Second Rule"-This is one of the effective
> communication tips I've discussed in several blog posts. After
> someone finishes speaking, wait two seconds to make sure they have
> completed their thoughts.
> 
> Focusing on this has been eye opening. In most cases someone's
> pause only lasts one second and they start talking again. Some
> people speak slowly; others wait to see if you have something to
> say and if you don't, they continue to speak.
> 
> Being deliberate with the two-second rule has definitely reduced
> the number of words coming out of my mouth and my odds of saying
> something I later regret.
> 
> 5. Focusing on responding, not reacting-It seems like when I feel
> angry, aggravated or frustrated, I am at a high risk of saying
> something I might later regret. Am I alone?
> 
> I now try to "take a step back" when I feel like I could say
> something I might regret. Using my self-control I say to myself
> over and over again, "Be smart. Don't say anything you will regret.
> Be smart. Don't say anything you will regret." This has been VERY
> hard at times and I can't tell you I have been perfect; but I have
> made great progress.
> 
> 6. Thinking before speaking-Lastly, because of the combination of
> these points and my strong desire to improve in this area, I have
> just been more careful with what I say. I think writing the Little
> Things Matter blog and interacting with people on the Little Things
> Matter Facebook page has made me more aware of what I say and how I
> handle myself in my interactions with others. It has forced me to
> think before I write or speak and consider how my words may be
> interpreted by others.


I agree with everything except, I think SA people think too much before speaking. This causes us to not listen and to stuff up more.


----------



## pehrj

http://contextualpsychology.org/cognitive_defusion_deliteralization

Not sure if that has been posted yet, but that lists a lot of great defusion techniques for when anxious thoughts arrive.


----------



## joe0008

Invisiblehandicap said:


> Technique:
> Is it your fault that you do not have an immediate genius cure for anxiety?
> 
> So basically, do not be ashamed of SA. SA is not you. You still have to fight it though, to the best of your ability.


I believe the cure is Exposure Therapy as far as a guy with Social Phobia wanting to meet a girl. Sex Phobia from amazon shows step-by-step instructions. It saved me anyway....


----------



## Michael127

gohan said:


> Phone sex, drunk women, prostitutes=gradual exposure. LOL


That is what I was thinking. Talking to prostitutes is the ultimate in exposure. Lol. I think it would be a personal lowlight rather than highlight.


----------



## josephallenrandall

Hey, this is a extremely helpful post. I wish I would of known about this when I was in high school a year ago. 

Cheers, Joe


----------



## TigerB

This guy is almost like an expert on it plus he used to be shy/introverted himself.
Here is his #1 technique to overcome anxiety when talking to girls





So basicely 1-realise what negative feeling it is, 2-what is the opposite of this feeling, 3-make the other person feel that opposite feeling.

I'm gonna start trying it but it still sounds difficult. Anybody else wanna have a go?


----------



## Ivan AG

tigerblood said:


> This guy is almost like an expert on it plus he used to be shy/introverted himself.
> Here is his #1 technique to overcome anxiety when talking to girls
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So basicely 1-realise what negative feeling it is, 2-what is the opposite of this feeling, 3-make the other person feel that opposite feeling.
> 
> I'm gonna start trying it but it still sounds difficult. Anybody else wanna have a go?


There's no such thing as a former introvert.

Your nervous system is either highly reactive, low reactive or somewhere in between.

Social skills can be learned and you can become socially confident but you can't rewire your nervous system, at least not with our current field of knowledge.


----------



## TigerB

Ivan AG said:


> There's no such thing as a former introvert.
> 
> Your nervous system is either highly reactive, low reactive or somewhere in between.
> 
> Social skills can be learned and you can become socially confident but you can't rewire your nervous system, at least not with our current field of knowledge.


Had nothing to do with my post at all. Why don't you start talking about pancakes to me when I'm talking about sports next, how about that? Thanks.


----------



## Ivan AG

tigerblood said:


> Had nothing to do with my post at all. Why don't you start talking about pancakes to me when I'm talking about sports next, how about that? Thanks.


In the first sentence of your post, you mentioned he was a former introvert.

I just pointed out that there is no such thing.

That's all.


----------



## TigerB

Ivan AG said:


> In the first sentence of your post, you mentioned he was a former introvert.
> 
> I just pointed out that there is no such thing.
> 
> That's all.


Well you are wrong and also a smartass. That's all.


----------



## jimity

Knock it off you guys. I don't want this post to get locked.


----------



## 3qui1ibrium

Amazing post!! Thanks so much !! This one is the best ing the whole forum!!


----------



## PointHelp

I think the main problem with social anxiety is that we perhaps overestimate the importance of small interactions. Most people talk to pass time. We for some reason think conversations are sacred and should be spoken properly like a prayer in front of an entire church. (maybe we're all perfectionists?)

Anyway, the most important thing is clarity. To be clear when speaking means to 1) speak truthfully and 2) use good grammar. So this avoids dull conversations and incoherent statements.
So if someone asks your opinion on something, don't be passive to let go of the burden-think for a second and say what you need to say (walking like a one man army...)
This may require speaking slooooowly - at first.
Also, don't panic and start asking a myriad of questions. If you do that then it's no longer a conversation.

IF it's your turn to speak in class/present then find some way to humour yourself so you become relaxed and realize *IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.*

Trying to be extroverted is apparently not a great way to get over SA, but try it anyways. I think the secret to becoming extroverted- mind you this is something I've been researching for a while- is to smile.  Have a nice day


----------



## jimity

I think a lot of people with sa need to find the point in small interactions. I just get that idea because a lot of us just try to get out of it because of anxiety. We need to look past out anxiety and into the interaction itself.


----------



## TigerB

I saw a youtube clip yesterday of this interesting fella who presented an idea I had never heard before.






Basicely he's saying that you should embrace your SAD and have 'fun' with it. Instead of feeling embarassed about it accept it as it being part of you etc. along those lines. What do you guys think?


----------



## Shack

tigerblood said:


> I saw a youtube clip yesterday of this interesting fella who presented an idea I had never heard before.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Basicely he's saying that you should embrace your SAD and have 'fun' with it. Instead of feeling embarassed about it accept it as it being part of you etc. along those lines. What do you guys think?


I've seen that guy's stuff as well. He is somewhat in the ballpark, but also appears to be wrong in some ways IMO. For example he seems to emphasize that "now I'm becoming a 'boss'" and talks about how he's hitting on random girls on the street. While exposing yourself to intimidating things is not a terrible idea, I don't think anyone should believe they have to become a 'boss' or live up to some identity of the more masculine heavy normal people out there (ie the ones that rudely hit on girls), to beat SA. I think he's somewhat seeing things the wrong way to envision this new him as the goal. The goal should be freedom of anxiety, not getting laid more/being more popular, which is a more superficial thing that won't help him SA wise in the long run

The reason I say he's in the ballpark is the idea of loving his SA and being positive about a significant attribute about himself. I suspect this is the reason his technique seems to work for him, that he's now being much more positive and loving about himself.

My technique which I will show in the next post is based on this idea as well.


----------



## Shack

*My technique*

I'm extremely confident in this technique. To the point where I send messages to random youtube SA posters telling them what I know. I want to help them. I've posted the same response to many posters questions here and made a thread in the other forum. I know everyone wants to believe they have THE technique, but I feel I've finally figured it out

For some background of how I got here. I've been a fan of "techniques" and trying to mental trick my self into now having SA for forever. The one I tried to use for years after high school was putting myself in a mindset of confidence. It didn't take. A few months ago I shifted my focus to the idea of positivity and negativity. I even bought a counter to have in my pocket, to hit every time I had a positive thought. This was much closer to what I now believe is the truth, but still wrong. I believe people with SA have it because of chronic negative thoughts and people without it have an instant reaction of positively seeing a situation - But the way to fix it isn't just telling yourself positive thoughts in your head. I now believe the key is understanding what CAUSES positive and negative thoughts and going to that root.

My technique is very simple. In fact it can be described pretty simply.

Love. The answer is Love.

The big L. Its antithesis is of course the big H, Hate. My technique is a slight variation of what I had in mind before, thinking a positive thought in all the places I thought a negative one. Just replace "thinking a positive thought" with "think a loving thought" and that's my technique.

The next time you're in a public place, be conscience of the way you feel about the people specifically different from you. The most non SAD-types out there. I mean the jocks, the pack of 5 girls at the mall, the dirty street people. If you're like me, most of your life you've had negative thoughts about these people. You think their conversations are boring, you think the entire culture of drinking and parties on the weekend is the ultimate sheep activity. Think about your parents. Are you OK with your parents? Most of us have felt unappreciated by them, too criticized for our flaws and not living up to what they wanted. What about other message boards and internet posters. Chances are there's many who drive you nuts for their negativity, shallowness, etc. All of this derives from hate, not love. It's anger, bitterness, condescension, etc. but the best way to describe it is forms of hate

Now next time you're around people in public or having any interaction, try to reverse this. Think LOVING thoughts about their differences, not hating ones. When you see the jocks, think about how the world needs fun people to brighten up our days. Think about how friendship is a good thing for that girlpack at the mall. Think about how all humanity is one race and we all should love each other. If you love the people who are different than you for their differences, they might start to come off as more appealing. You might find their boisterousness appealing and not denigrating. Remember that you can see good and bad sides of everything. When one lives with hate, they can only see the bad sides and ignore the good.

Honestly, just picture that you are carrying around a big ball of love in your HEART and that this is what defines your mindset and state of being

I have found that if I am around people and I put myself in a mindset where I am loving the people around me and not hating them, it very much opens me to enjoying the situation and being "free". I would not call myself completely free of SA but this is absolutely the farthest I come. I live in a dorm in college and I have a conversation every time I go down to have a meal. If I go see people in lounges I can have a conversation every time. In fact the more I think of it, the idea of not being able to have a conversation when I want, might very well be RIP. That's a big step for me. From 12 to about 18 I counted about 2 real conversations that I had, and I remembered them very vividly. Eventually it became a thing that happened every few weeks, then every week or so I had a night where I could do it. Now it looks like I crossed that line. The biggest difference between me and non SAD people now is just my lifestyle, much of it spend doing my own thing, which is still carried over from the SAD days.


----------



## Ivan AG

That's a good post Shack and I've seen that technique indirectly suggested in several self-help books. 

However that brings up a question for me. How do extroverted folk that have never had SA in their life view people and interactions around them?

Are they in a perpetual state of love like you suggest? Are they always so positive about interacting with others? 

I've seen some pretty nasty and unpleasant people that nonetheless are quite keen on socializing. Surely they don't have any love for others?


----------



## Shack

That's a very good point. Well I can't speak for the ways others learned to socialize and how they built up those habits. What is likely IMO is that they built up their socialization skills in a unit, say a family or select group of friends where that love and trust was apparent. And then from that socializing with people they don't like just comes out of a built up habit and practices over the years


----------



## BriAll

Hi Im Allen and i am an active duty service member and I am currently serving in afghanistan on a 9 month deployment! I too have anxiety and maybe it has something to do with being a soldier but this has started before my deployment! When ever something happens minor or severe I am affected physically! I experience pain in my stomach and very bad headaches. When ever Im feeling this way i usually take sleeping meds (unless Im working) and I guess sleeping is my way of coping I would like to complete my deployment I just dont know what to do. I am new to the group and I would love to share my problems and experiences with anxiety with all of you!


----------



## Healthy Living

A great technique that i use and that i teach my clients is to always live in the present. To me, Anxiety is a sign from your unconscious mind that you are not focusing on what you want. and 110% of the time someone is anxious they are never present, because we worry of what "might" happen. right NOW you are perfect, you do not need anything or anyone because right NOW you are fine.  i hope this helps.

http://www.healthylivingseminars.com.au


----------



## Justinb

*How*

Hello ive been takin ativan for months and then took xanax for a few monthe and now im currently on 3mg of klonopin a day my doctor wants too take me off and i have severe anxiody happens randomy is there any good suggestions on how too work myself off this klonopin. Im also on suboxone 20mg a day SL


----------



## Mil

Shack that was a great post thanks! We all need love, I think that's what we SA'ers need to incorporate into our lives more. 'Positive' and 'negative' thoughts sounds so impersonal and mechanical, 'loving' and 'hating' is way more personal!

Going into social situations with an attitude of love for other people helps a lot too.


----------



## CharlyD

What about hypnotherapy youtube


----------



## wolf99

You can't solve problems with the same mondset that created them.


----------



## wolf99

errrr, mindset. lol


----------



## Grayman

What is with the bumps? Your explaination is just to large for anyone to take a serious interest. If they did, there is just no way to give a detailed reply to it as it is all just too overwhelming.:blank

IMO>>>
Really, critism is a good thing but you just have to learn more about yourself before you can withstand it. You see knowing yourself is the key to confidence. Learn your strengths and weaknesses and take time away from people to evaluate who you are and what you want to become. Do not seek peoples attention as they will most likely give the wrong kind. Just be "Confident" in yourself, be indepedent, capable of being your own person, and they will come to you wishing they were more like you.


----------



## Grayman

Shack said:


> *My technique*
> Love. The answer is Love.


Your feelings are solely based on your priorties. What you make important is what makes you happy.

If you make the ultimate sacrafice of your identity and eliminate yourself as a priorty, it will no longer matter what happens to you because you do not care about yourself anymore. If you make everyone else the priority instead, your happiness will be found in theirs. Such a thing as this requires a full sacrafice of ones individuality to recieve full happiness. You are basically giving up your identiy, your choices to accomidate others on an extreme level. In this situation, since others are now the priority in your life you will only be happy when you are around them and you will not be happy alone. Make things your priority and you will only be happy when you have things and not when your poor. Make knowlege your priority and you will only suffer when you are obstained from learning or maladies of the mind or eye. Make work your priority and you will be happy working but sad when home. In all these, sacrafice of self for any goal makes oneself immune to hurt but that is not recommended. Pain is a part of life. I suggest that you priortize based on what you can achieve in life and spread your priorties around so that you can reduce the pain of losing a priorty like a wife or a child or a friend or your eyes. Spreading your priorities makes you gain less happiness due to only your wife being happy, or your child or your favorite book, being the source of your attention at any given time. Make people's thoughts of you a priority and you will suffer critcism but gain great joy in praise.

I personally made people's thoughts a non-priority so I do not gain happiness from their praise or sadness from their critism.


----------



## bluebutton

This is absolutely amazing advice. I will read this when i feel down and use it as a tool to help myself. really, thank you!!! it is just what i've been looking for. i especially like the self acceptance dialogue, really good idea.


----------



## Lifetimer

bluebutton said:


> This is absolutely amazing advice. I will read this when i feel down and use it as a tool to help myself. really, thank you!!! it is just what i've been looking for. i especially like the self acceptance dialogue, really good idea.


bluebutton,

If you and the other SAS members want to get to the actual core of social anxiety to cure it - instead of just treating the symptoms with CBT - I very much suggest that you click the link below at the bottom of my post. I have cured my SA by healing the core issue, and it is an issue that most here have (and no, SA is *not* the actual problem; instead, SA is just a symptom).

Lifetimer


----------



## Ivan AG

Lifetimer, have you heard of ACT therapy?

Do you consider it a legitimate treatment option for SAD?


----------



## Lifetimer

Ivan AG said:


> Lifetimer, have you heard of ACT therapy?
> 
> Do you consider it a legitimate treatment option for SAD?


Yes, I've heard of it but I don't know much about it. So, for that reason, I can't give a clear opinion about whether if it is useful for SAD. However, a member here named "Rainwilds" had mentioned it in a post awhile back as he was talking about toxic shame. He was replying to someone else's post when he began talking about ACT therapy (and CBT therapy as well). In his post, he talks about the importance of understanding toxic shame and the importance of understanding what caused you to acquire the condition... in order for ACT (or CBT) to work. If you want to read his entire post to get the full context of what he said, click this following link: http://bit.ly/GHq8L7

Lifetimer


----------



## Chilantree

I have no trouble asking employees or teachers for help but I am always scared of asking new classmates or new people I never met before for help... I'll try this technique.


----------



## BrainInsect

This guy is really inspiring. I will try to follow his words and expose myself.


----------



## judywater

*some tips for anxiety and sleep loss*

Dear friends,

Now the lifepace is so high so many people are trapped in the bad circle of bad healthy situation, like sleep problem or bad mood.

Now we can offer you some raw material Noopept and phenibut that are the original material for those effective drugs.

Any one can contact me if he has interest
My email:[email protected]

Judywater


----------



## SomniferumPapi

Holy **** please make that into a pdf! That is probably all the reading ill have to do to straighten up my life! now if i just had the motivation...


----------



## SomniferumPapi

judywater said:


> Dear friends,
> 
> Now the lifepace is so high so many people are trapped in the bad circle of bad healthy situation, like sleep problem or bad mood.
> 
> Now we can offer you some raw material Noopept and phenibut that are the original material for those effective drugs.
> 
> Any one can contact me if he has interest
> My email:[email protected]
> 
> Judywater


How dare you advertise on this wonderful forum...No one believes you so leave!

Im going to see if they will give me a sample and then we will find out if they are a fraud...I will report back


----------



## SomniferumPapi

SomniferumPapi said:


> How dare you advertise on this wonderful forum...No one believes you so leave!
> 
> Im going to see if they will give me a sample and then we will find out if they are a fraud...I will report back


BTW im NOT advertising...I just want to try these samples for myself


----------



## jimity

SomniferumPapi said:


> Holy **** please make that into a pdf! That is probably all the reading ill have to do to straighten up my life! now if i just had the motivation...


Effort comes before motivation.


----------



## SomniferumPapi

jimity said:


> Effort comes before motivation.


By that do you mean, pushing yourself brings on the motivation later? I think those words are in the same category


----------



## jimity

SomniferumPapi said:


> By that do you mean, pushing yourself brings on the motivation later? I think those words are in the same category


You feel like not doing anything now because of some unconscious reasons. But if you push through that stage and once you start doing something and start to see progress then your energy and motivation picks up. I remember when I'd get projects to do at school, I couldn't be bothered doing them and when I started them I began procrastinating until I finally pushed myself to start. After I started getting the work done I felt like finishing the thing.

I know how you felt when you read all that info. Looks real good, like it gives you hope that things can change. But then the thought of actually doing something (other than reading how to get better) makes you probably think "screw this". Gotta push through that state of mind. You will see progress after months of persistent effort. You'll experience set backs and failure, but that's all part of it. There is no quick fix for sa (apart from pills/booze).


----------



## SVIIC

jimity said:


> You feel like not doing anything now because of some unconscious reasons. But if you push through that stage and once you start doing something and start to see progress then your energy and motivation picks up. I remember when I'd get projects to do at school, I couldn't be bothered doing them and when I started them I began procrastinating until I finally pushed myself to start. After I started getting the work done I felt like finishing the thing.


Nice to hear someone describe the same problem that's been the worst problem plaguing me for some time.

I'm in a monotonous, depressed mess. Problem is, while there are things I have to do... I always feel paralyzed by anxiety, indecision and confusion whenever I feel I want to do them.
You want to do things and you're depressed because you're not doing them... but every time you think about doing them or try to do them... all you can think about is depressing ideas and anxiety.

Definitely, getting things done leads to a certain momentum that makes it easier to get other things done.


----------



## Seeking Bliss

*spiritual root cause of anxiety*

Dear All,

I will like to share that anxiety has a spiritual root cause. I read an article at the spiritual science research foundation which explains the causes of anxiety and how to overcome anxiety, they also have case studies on various causes for example from one or two of their studies. for those interested you can go to their website or to their link

http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/articles/id/case-study/overcomming-anxiety

good luck http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/articles/id/case-study/overcomming-anxiety


----------



## CMZ27

Something that has worked for me many times: hold my breath for 1 minute and then breath deep for the next 20 seconds. Try it


----------



## CMZ27

CMZ27 said:


> Something that has worked for me many times: hold my breath for 1 minute and then breath deep for the next 20 seconds. Try it


Breathe


----------



## mktaphr

*It's the little things...*

I recently read a book that helped me a lot with my depression. I think the main point of it was really helpful. That the sufferer should first and foremost seek help and then take an active approach to make sure that they are healing along with finding a partner to help them on their journey. Also, it kind of opened my eyes to the different foods that can really worsen people's depression because of the different chemicals in the foods and how they can affect you. I know it doesn't seem like it but what I've discovered is that the little things all add up and can have a big impact on the way you feel. Feel better! The name of the book was 'you can cure your depression' by the way.


----------



## Andrew4

There is so much great info in this thread. This is the best thread on the SAS website. Yet so many people come here everyday and skip over it only to post about how ugly they think they are or how much society sucks. Blows my mind.


----------



## Lifetimer

Andrew4 said:


> This is the best thread on the SAS website.


It depends. If you are looking for info to only treat the symptoms of social anxiety, then this may very well be the best on the SAS website.

*However*, if you are looking for info that explains the actual cause of social anxiety for most people - _and also explains what to do about it by healing it at its core root_ (and not just treat the symptoms) - then I suggest the thread link at the very bottom of my post is the most important thread on the SAS website.

Lifetimer


----------



## thunder057

*Dr to find fast*

Hi everyone i live in portland oregon, i was seeing a Dr and he was giving me klonopin for about 3 yrs, he just now decided he didnt want me to take them any more, I was taking them for stress and petit-mal siezures. any way i was so shocked, why would a Dr do this, i need to find one quick befor mine run all the way out. do i call A D.O? are they easy to get medication from? i am so affraid stopping this drug cold turkey will give me a siezure for sure, what should i Do? i need help fast, i tried the online drug stores and they take so long and are so much money to get them without a prescription, any advice, anyone see a Dr in portland oregon that is nice and you wouldnt mind giving me his/her name? thank you:um


----------



## littlebigproblems

Thanks so much for this post!

I haven't read it all, which I will later, but your advice has already made me think differently.


----------



## Ashley11

According to my opinion anxiety and other kinds of fear all starts from our internal body and mind, its just nothing but the way in which our mind works, it's my belief that everyone can overcome from this kind of problems if decided once, by using various different ways. For more you can watch this video may you get the solution of your problem:
how to be confident


----------



## whatever12

Dude, your "deactivate the critic" dialogues had me genuinely laughing. Such good stuff. Thank you!


----------



## whatever12

i liked what what this guy had to say about SA...good techniques


----------



## mermaiden

*SMART Training for Anxiety*

I recently had the singular experience of attending a Seminar on the S.M.A.R.T. method by Dr. Amit Sood. This is a method of stress relief that has been developed by several doctors at Mayo clinic. It stands for Stress management and Resilience Training. I found it to be very helpful.

Most of my anxiety stems from interactions with those of the male persuasion, but also very aggressive/competitive females. I have found also, like many of you, that as my stress goes up, my anxiety symptoms get worse. I have implemented many of the techniques used in the SMART training and found them to be very practical, methodical and effective.

One of the first things they recommend that you do is to start taking control of your thoughts. Instead of allowing your brain to wander, you choose your thoughts. If you find yourself in a moment where you are not task focused, they recommend that you take that time to send those in your life, family, friends, enemies, all...to send them well-wishes or little mental blessings. You can make this non religious, spiritual, or religious, according to your preferences...and this allows you to prevent the mental obsession and ruminating that can sometimes lead to or exacerbate the negative thought process that leads to social anxiety.

This is something that I am practicing on a daily basis. Each of the recommended tasks, I am trying to practice them for 21 days each so that I develop them as habits. During this time, I am also journaling my progress and setbacks in order to prepare for the next stage.

I will post more about this method in my next post. I would like to hear if anyone else has been trained in this method, and if so, how it has worked out for you in the long run. I am very interested to hear from other women who have experienced anxiety around men, specifically if they are employees that you have to supervise, and especially if they are particularly attractive. Aside from my usual anxiety around men, I am currently experiencing acute anxiety as the new supervisor of an extremely attractive male. Same anxiety over the fact that he is male...new anxiety over the fact that he is my responsibility and very attractive.

I look forward to your responses. : )

Mermaiden


----------



## emdadjut

*SMART Training for Anxiety*

It is a good way to be relax from anxiety.


----------



## SandyInfinity

tyty:yes


----------



## No Matter What

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...ing-to-have-249505/index4.html#post1061073874


----------



## BOCO stoner

Lmao wow I made this up in my mind thinking I was the only one! haha wowwwww thank The Lord I'm not the only one like this... It's not cuz I smoke weed. Been this way my whole life.


----------



## BOCO stoner

Wow this is me thinking in my head to get over this lol spot on. It does work. But I'm not fully over it yet... I don't think ill ever be to be honest


----------



## kungfuchicken

So I should approach drunk women at bars and try to take advantage of their inebriated state?

No thank you.

I want a girlfriend not hepatitis...I am not interested in becoming a sleezeball.


----------



## solasum

My attention span is too short to read through everything, but it seems like the gist is 'just do it'.


----------



## jimity

kungfuchicken said:


> So I should approach drunk women at bars and try to take advantage of their inebriated state?
> 
> No thank you.
> 
> I want a girlfriend not hepatitis...I am not interested in becoming a sleezeball.


There suggestions. You tackle your own problem how you like.


----------



## jimity

solasum said:


> My attention span is too short to read through everything, but it seems like the gist is 'just do it'.


Pretty much. You can tackle social anxiety with all sorts of mental gymnastics.


----------



## shsh

Thank you so much Jimity for sharing these techniques! Just what I needed.


----------



## hoddesdon

Yes, it is good of you to create this thread. By the way, what's Heaven like?


----------



## jimity

hoddesdon said:


> Yes, it is good of you to create this thread. By the way, what's Heaven like?


Not all it's cracked up to be.


----------



## beall

*Anxiety Busting*

I used to have anxiety. It ruled my being.

It started in high school.

Im almost 30 now.

I now have no anxiety.

The key: Acceptance. Fighting anxiety is doing yourself a disservice because you are trying to rid of something that has and is a part of you. Accepting the anxiety will naturally rid of it. It takes time, but focus on acceptance and your world will change. Knowing that the effects of anxiety are normal, that they are not made up or unnatural, but instead they are part of this universe will lead to a full acceptance. Acceptance will help you cope with the fear of anxiety. The fear is the hardest part, not the symptoms. Fear is the hardest thing to conquer, but if you learn to accept fear, you will live your life in peace. Beating fear means accepting all that is. all that will be. all that has been.

If you remember anything: Acceptance is key.


----------



## jimity

beall said:


> I used to have anxiety. It ruled my being.
> 
> It started in high school.
> 
> Im almost 30 now.
> 
> I now have no anxiety.
> 
> The key: Acceptance. Fighting anxiety is doing yourself a disservice because you are trying to rid of something that has and is a part of you. Accepting the anxiety will naturally rid of it. It takes time, but focus on acceptance and your world will change. Knowing that the effects of anxiety are normal, that they are not made up or unnatural, but instead they are part of this universe will lead to a full acceptance. Acceptance will help you cope with the fear of anxiety. The fear is the hardest part, not the symptoms. Fear is the hardest thing to conquer, but if you learn to accept fear, you will live your life in peace. Beating fear means accepting all that is. all that will be. all that has been.
> 
> If you remember anything: Acceptance is key.


I was thinking about this today. Just accept the way I am. Like I'm real shy and awkward and I just have to accept this is the way I am and I must live with being like that. It's like being born with a physical disability. There is no point in trying to fight the disabillity if there is nothing you can really do so must just come to accept the way you are.


----------



## Piecing it Together

Thanks for sharing these techniques


----------



## No Matter What

*Love and Light...*



hoddesdon said:


> Yes, it is good of you to create this thread. By the way, what's Heaven like?


It's like Heaven.


----------



## 123destiny

mermaiden said:


> I recently had the singular experience of attending a Seminar on the S.M.A.R.T. method by Dr. Amit Sood. This is a method of stress relief that has been developed by several doctors at Mayo clinic. It stands for Stress management and Resilience Training. I found it to be very helpful.
> 
> Most of my anxiety stems from interactions with those of the male persuasion, but also very aggressive/competitive females. I have found also, like many of you, that as my stress goes up, my anxiety symptoms get worse. I have implemented many of the techniques used in the SMART training and found them to be very practical, methodical and effective.
> 
> One of the first things they recommend that you do is to start taking control of your thoughts. Instead of allowing your brain to wander, you choose your thoughts. If you find yourself in a moment where you are not task focused, they recommend that you take that time to send those in your life, family, friends, enemies, all...to send them well-wishes or little mental blessings. You can make this non religious, spiritual, or religious, according to your preferences...and this allows you to prevent the mental obsession and ruminating that can sometimes lead to or exacerbate the negative thought process that leads to social anxiety.
> 
> This is something that I am practicing on a daily basis. Each of the recommended tasks, I am trying to practice them for 21 days each so that I develop them as habits. During this time, I am also journaling my progress and setbacks in order to prepare for the next stage.
> 
> I will post more about this method in my next post. I would like to hear if anyone else has been trained in this method, and if so, how it has worked out for you in the long run. I am very interested to hear from other women who have experienced anxiety around men, specifically if they are employees that you have to supervise, and especially if they are particularly attractive. Aside from my usual anxiety around men, I am currently experiencing acute anxiety as the new supervisor of an extremely attractive male. Same anxiety over the fact that he is male...new anxiety over the fact that he is my responsibility and very attractive.
> 
> I look forward to your responses. : )
> 
> Mermaiden


21 days is not enough for everyone.

Jon


----------



## ForgetYourselfNow

I am bumping this topic for it's invaluable content and recent discussions if possible. I am in my 40 something and have lived with SA for the rest of my life. imity has said a lot of great things to do and perhaps you have tried many of them. What works for me is acting silly without any hesitation and telling myself, this is the worst it can get so what and sometime when my mind keeps thinking about the past, it's very hard not too although if one pauses for a moment and thinks that it's virtually impossible for anyone to know what is going in my head then everything becomes a little easier but not always. I never though so many techniques existed and gonna try some tomorrow and report you all back. Could you all share something more on how to let go when you are in the loop? Here is my example :

My mind keeps thinking that someone is watching me. I know they are probably just thinking about how insecure they are too. Perhaps that are thinking something else not what I think. This seems to be worse when you have a co-worker who too seems to have a SA but won't share a thing even if you do about the SA. I guess it's best to pretend that he/she doesn't have it seems to work sometime. Anyone here has tried any method listed here. Thank you so much imity


----------



## Piecing it Together

*SP*



BOCO stoner said:


> Wow this is me thinking in my head to get over this lol spot on. It does work. But I'm not fully over it yet... I don't think ill ever be to be honest


Laughing at myself when I am In going through anxiety helps me overcome It.


----------



## Rainbat

I find if you're anxious about something, think about what kind of things could possibly happen (they have to be reasonable, not a meteor hitting you or something) and think of how you would handle them.

Sometimes I get anxious when I have to work with people on my campus, but then I ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?" And it helps me get through it.


----------



## ForestSea

some very imaginable suggestions! Where did you get this stuff from?


----------



## jimity

ForestSea said:


> some very imaginable suggestions! Where did you get this stuff from?


I've read about lots of techniques over the years from various sources from the internet, books, plus some I invented myself.


----------



## Mina84

jimity said:


> 20. Downward Arrow Technique
> 
> Perhaps I felt I needed to impress her (why did you think you needed to impress her ?)
> V
> She probably wouldn't like me otherwise (what does that say about her if that was true ?)
> V
> That she's probably just a stupid mole (what does that mean if that was true ?)
> V
> She can't be trusted (What do you think she'd do to you ?)
> V
> Laugh or ignore me (what would you do to her ?)
> V
> Maybe punch or swear at her (what if you did do that to her ?)
> V
> I'd be in deep **** with people she knows


After reading this I'm speechless. It reminded so much of the book "The Gift of Fear". The author Gavin de Becker says: "_Most men fear getting laughed at or_ humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death."
In this case, he didn't say he would rape or kill her, but to feel the desire to punch or swear at her if she laughed or ignored him is just sick. :roll


----------



## mcgilicutty

Good thred.


----------



## Emnity33

Holy crap man thats alot of useful information.


----------



## jimity

Mina84 said:


> After reading this I'm speechless. It reminded so much of the book "The Gift of Fear". The author Gavin de Becker says: "_Most men fear getting laughed at or_ humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death."
> In this case, he didn't say he would rape or kill her, but to feel the desire to punch or swear at her if she laughed or ignored him is just sick. :roll


Laughing at someone or ignoring them is just plain rude.


----------



## jamesSA

Piecing it Together said:


> Laughing at myself when I am In going through anxiety helps me overcome It.


I think i'll try and start doing this  I imagine it will be quite hard to laugh it off when your in that 'panicky' state though..


----------



## seaturtle

The biggest treatment for any type of anxiety is exposure until the anxiety subsides. All anxiety will eventually subside. The key is keeping up the exposure until the anxiety subsides. Then once that is done, you repeat the process. It is a very challenging process but it works if you do it. This is known as systematic desensitization.

Now the opposite can be called systematic sensitization. Every time you find yourself starting to get anxious, you freak out and LEAVE the situation that is freaking you out. You then make yourself more anxious and scared the next time you are in that situation. The reason this occurs because you prematurely ended the fear without letting it play out. You never saw how bad it would have got. So your mind has to extrapolate to how bad it _would_ have got if you hadn't left. All to quickly the mind is reduced to fearing the unimaginable terrors of a situation.

Now one other thing I want to say is you have the downward arrow technique wrong. You repeatedly ask the same question over and over again and that question is, "What would that mean/ What would that mean about you?" Now you have to do it with what we call automatic thoughts.

A hot girl talked to me - well that is a situation. You have to use the downward arrow technique with thoughts. In this case, what would the thought be that was going through your head when the hot girl talked to you?

"Nothing I suppose" - 
If that is the case, then you aren't anxious or depressed. Congratulations. No need for further work.

V

I felt I didn't really know what to say (Person is using feeling language to talk about thoughts. "I didn't really know what to say", that is a summary of thoughts/behaviors and not a very distressing summary. Now lets get to what I mean by an automatic thoughts that are distressing.

V

"I need to impress her otherwise she won't like me" Now how distressing is this thought? It depends. For some people this could be very distressing, but for most people I would say this is not the thought that is causing them a lot of distress. Regardless, you can still use the downward arrow-technique on it, but it may not work as well. It works really well on the thoughts that, if true would be very distressing to the individual. So lets continue with that thought.

-What would that mean if that were so?
"It would mean that people only like me for what I do"
v
-What would that mean if that were so?
It would mean that people don't really like me
v
What would that mean about you?
I am unlovable.
v
Ok. Here is where you would stop. You stop at what are known as "core beliefs" Core beliefs can be almost always be reworded and shortened to "I am ___. I think the two main exceptions are, "The world is unsafe" and "Its all my fault". Once you hear something that sounds like that or could be reworded to sound like that, you have gone as deep as possible. You could ask the question again, but it will take them either back up or in a side direction. For example: "I am unloveable"
-What would that mean about you? 
"That I am a bad person? No one loves me. No one will ever love me. All other ways of saying I am unloveable. God, aren't you supposed to listen to me."


----------



## guitarguy

Man that suit makes alot of sense! So many different methods and over and over it definitely would work! Thanks!


----------



## RecoveredWell

SUbconscious reconditioning, during sleep, while driving, and subliminal messages all did wonders for me...


----------



## the collector

Honestly OP, I would just bash the critic in his face.I would dare anyone to diss me like that.


----------



## guitarguy

ashmash said:


> Huh. I had someone yell at me from a few rows behind me, Ashley you are so quiet! I thought that was rude. I would never randomly yell at someone, Gosh you are so loud! I get that there is some truth to it as you have said but I don't know why someone would say that. I guess I frustrate her. I have only talked to her like once and we have 150 people in our classroom. I don't understand people.  Or I'm paranoid and she was randomly yelling at another Ashley.


I don't think your being paranoid, it is possible that she was yelling at you, but you in a classroom of 150 ppl is huge for me! I'm not sure how much worse my anxiety is or how anxious you are, but I think you should give yourself a pat on the back! :yes


----------



## jimity

the collector said:


> Honestly OP, I would just bash the critic in his face.I would dare anyone to diss me like that.


Far more satisfying it would be as well...

Critic: lol, you're still a virgin...
Person: POW!!!
Critic's heartbeat: v^v^v^__________________
Person:


----------



## Haven49

I am so, so grateful that you posted these!!! they're insanely helpful!! thank you so much


----------



## caffeinefiend

jimity, you amazing human! Thank you so much for all those techniques.


----------



## Sweetme

Lots of sleep helps me..


----------



## WillCedar

Sweetme said:


> Lots of sleep helps me..


Same here! Sleeping in on Saturdays helps me a lot. Some people feel sluggish if they sleep in.. not me. Just knowing that I can sleep in on the weekends relieves anxiety for me.


----------



## lisac1919

Isn't this advice mostly for men? I find it's not going to help me get a man if I visit a strip club, get a lap dance, move onto prostitutes,take advantage of drunk women and then 'sophisticated' women (because sophisticated women don't get drunk). How does this help women?


----------



## lisac1919

Mina84 said:


> After reading this I'm speechless. It reminded so much of the book "The Gift of Fear". The author Gavin de Becker says: "_Most men fear getting laughed at or_ humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death."
> In this case, he didn't say he would rape or kill her, but to feel the desire to punch or swear at her if she laughed or ignored him is just sick. :roll


Exactly. This advice is obviously written by a man for men. And its very obvious that he is insecure.


----------



## Lifetimer

lisac1919 said:


> Isn't this advice mostly for men? I find it's not going to help me get a man if I visit a strip club, get a lap dance, move onto prostitutes,take advantage of drunk women and then 'sophisticated' women (because sophisticated women don't get drunk). How does this help women?


lisac1919,

Go read post #93 of this thread. It will give you info about what causes social anxiety and what to do to heal it (instead of just treating the symptoms, as many of the techniques in this thread will only do). The info in post #93 will help both men AND women. I have been healed and so can you.

Lifetimer


----------



## Dalila

Jimity,

Thank you very much for posting all of those techniques. I need to spend some serious time reading through all of those. Some of them look like they might be really helpful to me. Thank you again


----------



## jimity

lisac1919 said:


> Exactly. This advice is obviously written by a man for men. And its very obvious that he is insecure.


A social phobic who is insecure??? Who would of guessed it....


----------



## jimity

lisac1919 said:


> Isn't this advice mostly for men? I find it's not going to help me get a man if I visit a strip club, get a lap dance, move onto prostitutes,take advantage of drunk women and then 'sophisticated' women (because sophisticated women don't get drunk). How does this help women?


It was exercise to help desensitise guys to women. It doesn't unless you are lesbian. Why would you want advice from a man anyway? Guys don't go to women asking for advice lol. But here's some advice for ya anyway.

1. Pick out a guy
2. Look over at him to grab his attention
3. Make a kiss with your lips that's directed at him
4. Wink at him 
5. Lick your lips
6. Motion for him to walk on over.


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## mtnman2008

thanks for the info these are great techniques I struggle every day with this stuff and it really holds me back in life


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## babyangel

hi ppls im new here i first saw this place for medication support since i take alprazolam for 18 months and i experimented with celexa recently  . 
I really dont have so much social anxiety anymore i just feel agoraphobic sometimes i worry i might have a panic attack in public umm it hasnt happened to me before just a few times when i was driving . 

i read some tips on the first page they seemed quite helpfull for social anxiety. well if you ever do any online gaming where it gives you the ability to chat that helps some like i personally play a online game called runescape , I always like to talk to people on the game i wasnt so talkative on the game when i started in 2005 , talking to someone online helped me improve my social skills so i began to be more talkative in high school and had more friends from that . I started working when i was 16 my social skills had improved by then so i did well talking to other co workers and when i was 18 i changed jobs and worked at a small store in town I had to be friendly talkative to ppl who came in it seemed alot easier for me to be this way. I just want to say you should not see a doctor right away for this social anxiety/ depression/anxiety medication should be a last resort i regret starting the xanax early last year this made me have to quit my job , unable to activate as much anymore or simply not just care anymore


----------



## Social Anxiety Institute

Here are some general techniques I have personally found very helpful to reduce my social anxiety:

*Slowing down* - Just slowing the speed of my talking, and trying to slow my brain and thinking down, or slow walking, slow body movements, etc, is tremendously helpful at countering anxiety. Since anxiety is caused by a rush of adrenaline and cortisol, slowing down helps cut off the flow of adrenaline which allows you to take your time and be able to think more clearly, rationally, etc...

*Stopping Automatic Negative Thoughts* - Everyone with SA has a negative cognitive bias for social things... that is, we interpret ambiguous social cues as negative, rather than neutral or positive, and this in turn leads us to go down a cycle of having "automatic" thoughts that start spiraling out of control. The more negatively we interpret social situations, the more likely we are to continue to interpret situations negatively in the future, and it turns into a vicious cycle. We start to have negative thoughts pop into our heads automatically, without our conscious awareness or choice, and these thoughts start to cause us more problems and really wreck havoc on our life. I think these thoughts are really at the ROOT of social anxiety, so learning to catch them and eliminate them when they occur is probably the most important tactic to getting over SA.

*Focusing Externally* - It's important that we get "out of our heads" and put our focus on external situations, people, and happenings. If we always stay in our heads we are at risk of running into the vicious automatic negative thinking cycle again, and by focusing externally or talking out loud, we are actively putting our attention OFF of these internal thoughts which are poisonous to us, and the more and more we practice doing this the less and less automatic negative thoughts will be able to cause us problems.

*Seeing things from other people's perspectives* - People without social anxiety are not plagued by automatic negative thoughts and the negatively skewed cognitive biases we have. I found it very helpful to surround myself with positive people, and at least try to see life the way they see life. Just by seeing things in a more rational, at least neutral light, can help a great deal, because we realize that the way we've been seeing things is not the way others may be seeing us or other people around them.

I realize doing all these things takes a lot of time and work, so I suggest seeing a therapist who knows Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but one who knows SA well and how to treat it, otherwise you will probably know more than them about the disorder. It always helps to get people to support you and keep you rational and on the right track throughout these things, so trying to find a therapist who understands SA very well is probably the best plan.

There are many other anti-anxiety techniques I could mention, but let me know if this helped you guys, and then I can suggest more ideas. I have personally been using these strategies for the last 3 years and have really made a great deal of progress against SA because of it, and I don't think I have a diagnosable, at least, case of it anymore. It just takes lots of practice, persistence, and repetition, but these techniques did work for me, and research has shown CBT works for almost anyone willing to commit to it.

- Justin


----------



## ShadowlandWarrior

Wow! I must say this is a really good read. I have only gotten to the 3rd one and already i feel like these are techniques i should give a try, of course whenever i am ready to try it out haha. Thanks for all of this!


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## facelessmirror

wow alot of techniques... didnt think there was so many. alot of them look pretty usefull so i guess i should try some out :yes . thanks for the post!


----------



## twitchy666

*I have a lot of reading to do for this thread!*

Praise worthy before the first page is finished

Why so many years to find what I needed

BLANK MIND 

I need to work on this.

I empty my mental guts into the face of every new person with a wrongly-used technique of selling myself, as what I call an introduction. I expect this from everyone else. No questions! I need someone to shut up and listen and take me seriously. I know it's my failure. Nobody else has got anything else to say apart from "Hello. How are You?" Feels like speaking to a cow in a field that farts while it stares at me, munching.

I've tried and tried and tried my zip up approach. Gesture of finger across the lips, or palm tightly over my mouth, staring at them, Eyebrow-to-eyebrow.

Sat at a table. Laser eyes at them. Shrug? Then the inquisitive questions.

I see there's more to it than my simple outlook of not getting on - different disposition, and walking away. Maybe I should start with a stranger: "YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! Lick!" 

I get shown the door

I will brush up


----------



## steve92

I just finished reading through all of your suggested techniques. I am going to study and try all of them! Thank you for taking the time to write them all down, greatly appreciated.


----------



## possessed

interesting read, thanks for the tips


----------



## RecoveredWell

Best technique I learned was to float WITH my anxiety as it came, and changing what my pounding heart meant from being troublesome...to feeling strong when it pounded, changing meaning basically.


----------



## DinoSoreArse

A great post, very detailed and useful. Well done, and well done to Just Tony for continuously bumping it


----------



## Clinpsych

Hi I'm an English Clinical Psychologist that uses a technique called Attention Training that a lot of people I work with help to gain more control over negative thoughts and worries about social situations, you are meant to practice it once or twice a day for up to 8 weeks. It's on you tube here 



. It will work best if you also reduce the amount of time you avoid social situations and use some of the helpful ideas above.
It can also be helpful to postpone thinking about social situations to later in the day and to reduce the amount of time you avoid social situations, as this makes many people worry about them more. I'm someone who has suffered from social anxiety and I find the technique personally helpful, so hope it is of helpful to others.


----------



## ereshkigal

jimity, god bless you!


----------



## smile321

There are some really good techniques here. I'm excited to try them out.


----------



## smile321

Clinpsych said:


> Hi I'm an English Clinical Psychologist that uses a technique called Attention Training that a lot of people I work with help to gain more control over negative thoughts and worries about social situations, you are meant to practice it once or twice a day for up to 8 weeks. It's on you tube here
> 
> 
> 
> . It will work best if you also reduce the amount of time you avoid social situations and use some of the helpful ideas above.
> It can also be helpful to postpone thinking about social situations to later in the day and to reduce the amount of time you avoid social situations, as this makes many people worry about them more. I'm someone who has suffered from social anxiety and I find the technique personally helpful, so hope it is of helpful to others.


Thanks for the video. I've tried some open eye meditation stuff in the past and it helps as well for focusing. I take two objects in my peripheral vision and just try and focus on them at all times. It takes so much focus just to concentrate on them that it kinda brings me out of examining my thoughts too much. I start to notice all of the noises and surroundings around me. I think I just need to do it more every day. I did it a lot feb 2012 and it did help keep my mind from getting tense in social situations. Sometimes when i did get tense, I`d come home and sometimes this meditation would help decrease the tension headaches.


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## frankcole

thank you good stuff


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## Caterpillar13

Thanks, can't wait till 6.30 when I have time to read all of it  wish I was smart like u, its a real weapon.. I can't think of a response to people its pathetic


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## Sweetme

:mumIjust let it be, but i hate it.


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## newyorkgirl

Very useful information, thanks!


----------



## Kyle6983

I really find the flooding technique useful. But as you said it can be a hit or miss depending on the person. I found that I started to realise that the situations I was jumping into were not dangerous or threatening at all. I think it has been a big step forward for me!


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## hominawhaa

bumping the post, this is really helpful.


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## Lifetimer

hominawhaa said:


> bumping the post, this is really helpful.


Why are bumping up this thread when it is already a sticky? In other words, it's ALWAYS up... no matter what.

By the way, I invite you to check out my thread below if you are interested in curing your SA by getting to the root of the problem instead of just dealing with the symptoms as this thread does.

Just click the link at the very bottom of this post.

Lifetimer


----------



## LucasW

It's offline. Does anybody have this downloaded and could share?


----------



## Cajones

Awesome post! Thank you!


----------



## UrbankMonk

This post is a treasure for self-transformation for the better! Thanks so much! I just skimmed through the list but Ill come back to study them and see what works best for me now!


----------



## glintPale

thx for sharing all of this 
I need to took my time and read it slowley
moreover to practise one of it 
it seems kindof hard but need motivation


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## SadSelf

Thanks for sharing an informative information about the anxiety techniques


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## jimity

Lifetimer said:


> .
> 
> By the way, I invite you to check out my thread below if you are interested in curing your SA by getting to the root of the problem instead of just dealing with the symptoms as this thread does.


What I don't get is how you think CBT is not curing SA just controlling symptoms. I know working on automatic thoughts is merely controlling the symptoms. But isn't working on core beliefs like "i'm bad" or "i'm inadequete" working on the toxic shame or what is driving the anxiety. Isn't transforming the negative core beliefs curing sa since that is the toxic shame and the person is changing those beliefs about themselves. The way to change core beliefs is by looking for evidence to counter the belief or interacting with people who are not shaming much like the cure for toxic shame you explain.


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## shytney ska punk

This is very useful, thank you !!


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## Lifetimer

jimity said:


> What I don't get is how you think CBT is not curing SA just controlling symptoms. I know working on automatic thoughts is merely controlling the symptoms. But isn't working on core beliefs like "i'm bad" or "i'm inadequete" working on the toxic shame or what is driving the anxiety. Isn't transforming the negative core beliefs curing sa since that is the toxic shame and the person is changing those beliefs about themselves. The way to change core beliefs is by looking for evidence to counter the belief or interacting with people who are not shaming much like the cure for toxic shame you explain.


Hi Jimity,

I'm sorry for this late reply. I've been out of town and away from my computer since last Friday.

Just about all therapies - including CBT - tend to have at least some benefit and a certain number of people are usually helped by them. So, no, I am not saying CBT will not help anyone. If anyone wants to try CBT, or any other 'official' therapy, then go ahead. I certainly wish you the best. As I mentioned in my main thread - "The Toxic Shame Thread" - I think CBT is most useful for certain issues such as: a fear of heights, a fear of snakes, etc. However, when it comes to an issue like toxic shame, I truly believe it is not suited to heal that issue. I will explain a little more in detail below.

I can tell you I am _personally_ familiar with CBT, as I have tried it before in an effort to rid myself of a lifetime social anxiety. And CBT did temporarily make me feel better. However, the reason I felt better (for a short time) was because CBT dealt with the symptoms instead of the problem itself and thus my social anxiety returned just as it was before. And so I am saying CBT tends to work on the symptoms instead of actually getting to the root of the problem - and this is especially true where social anxiety and toxic shame is concerned.

You need to know how and why you are shameful. This is the key! Why? Because in knowing where shame was projected onto you in your past, whether it was projected knowingly or not, is what will lead you towards acceptance of who you are now, warts-and-all.

This leads me back to CBT. It is no good just to sit there in a conversation and say 'wait hold on a minute, I just need to defeat this negative thought', or, 'I just need to think a different thought.' Your thoughts must come and go naturally, unperturbed through acceptance without you having to challenge (fight) yourself. Challenging your thoughts will only keep focused on yourself, inward, going round-and-round like in a hamster's wheel. Your thoughts need to flow naturally.

The best chance for CBT to work in helping to heal your toxic shame and its symptom of SA is that you must first recognize how you were shamed growing up. This leads you to towards acceptance of yourself and an autonomous belief that you, at your core, are not defective and inferior. At that point then maybe the action steps of CBT may be useful. Otherwise, CBT soley by itself is not the best option for the problems of the people here at this forum.

Lifetimer


----------



## StarlightUK

Thank you for posting this. I really am at my wits end and getting some sort of useful advice is much appreciated.


----------



## ToastyBroseph

I know mindset doesn't always solve everything, especially for our bro's and sista's who are clinically depressed (there's some stuff you just CANNOT talk yourself through for physical reasons) but more recently I've found some solace in talking myself through things.

For example: there's a girl I'm trying to get over (I was a dumba** with it and read into kindness more-so than I should have), and on top of trying to forgive myself for being said dumba**, I've been talking to myself (in my subconscious) saying, "Don't worry man You've got this! You're gonna get over it, just takes time. You know what to do! You've made the first step and you're not doing this wrong. You've distance yourself and you're heading in the right direction." 

I really recommend doing this. Even if I don't feel so hot, or even if I feel like I'm reverting back to old feelings or feel bad about it, just saying it sometimes helps out. It's almost like reminding yourself of how far you've come! Even if you feel like you're sliding back into things if you just remind yourself how well you're doing, sometimes it helps out.


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## camilo borja

thank you for this.


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## twitchy666

*Deepest end of phone calls*

is the most impossible

I try any different tactic / approach but it's all triggered by the person on the other end says. I have to act the way the other person wants. I never know what they want

Bipolar of formally nice or screaming tyrant

I know whatever I say is not what they want


----------



## brad1991

Ok first of all I just wanted to say that I’m not selling anything. I haven’t read much on this forum before and have just recently become a member. I became a member not to ask for help but to tell YOU THAT YOU CAN EASILY BE CURED FROM YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY!

I’m 22 and have suffered from this debilitating condition for a while and I know what all of you are going through believe me. All of that time wasted, dreading all aspects of life and just feeling depressed and as though you’ve taken a back seat to your life as you watch it all go by.

Ok now I have tried everything, literally everything to fix myself and I have come up with the fix. If you read on this thread will change your life! YOU CAN GET RID OF SOCIAL ANXIETY 100%

Before I discuss I just want to say that this will be a rather long post because social anxiety is a complicated subject and if it were simple I wouldn’t be writing as much. This doesn’t mean that it is hard to get rid of, (in fact it is easy) I just mean that it is complex as there are many aspects to it. 

People all have different reasons for there social anxiety, different triggers, however the concept is all the same with everyone. The problem is, is that many people don’t understand social anxiety. Many people believe that they cannot be cured and they feel as though they’ve felt anxious there whole lives and cannot possibly imagine a life with it. Most people think that they are born with the condition as there parents are similar. Its not that its that, whether you want to accept it or acknowledge it, you’ve learned these behaviours from those around you without you even realising it, subconsciously.

You may have been told to ‘get out more’ and your fears will diminish. LOL! This I guarantee will not work! Not only that buts it’s very very very stressful for you guys I know! You may have experienced this before going into a social place/ event ect. I would always find myself anxious for the first half an hour or so until I finally calmed my nerves a bit. Then I would feel good for a few hours and ready to tackle another social encounter, however I was back to normal the next day, ever experience this? Sometimes I wouldn’t even be game enough to attempt going in public and I’m sure many of your are like this!

Ok anyway the method I used to cure my anxiety is called ‘EFT’ stands for emotional freedom technique. It’s a form of acupuncture to clear out any emotions. When I first started learning about this I as very very very very sceptical, however I tried it and stuck at it and after I tried it I felt AMAZING! I stuck at it though for a few more weeks and I haven’t felt any ANY anxiety in social situations since!

You start off by tapping the side of your hand with your index finger of the other hand. You want to tap the side of your hand on the karate chop area, the part you would use for a karate chop! Tap this roughly 7 times with your index finger. This is called the ‘setup’ and will get your body focussed on your body. When you do this say this sentence out aloud or in your head, ‘even though I have this social anxiety, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.’ Do maybe 5 round of this as you repeat that phrase, so you would be basically tapping 35 times roughly. Note this doesn’t have to be exact, I’m just giving you a good place to start.

Now that you have completed the ‘setup’ you now are ready to begin! Remember the setup just focuses your body so you won’t feel any different yet.

Basically what you do now is tap other areas of your body to clear out negative energy or emotional blocks. It basically works by you focusing on a specific situation where you would feel anxiety and you would clear it away by tapping on specific parts of your body where the energy blocks are. Now if you focus on an anxious situation and you tap away the anxiety you may feel better but it will only be a temporary fix.

You have had this anxiety for a while and you will need to get rid of a lot of aspects. What you do is you write a list of all of the negative experiences from a child to now where you felt anxious and shy. You want a list of at least 50 negative experiences with social anxiety. The ones you want to focus on however are your childhood memories of your social anxiety, or if you developed social anxiety later, your early experiences with social anxiety. You want to focus on the early memories as these are the roots for your anxiety. Also i find that you don’t even need to focus on all of your memories as by clearing out a few root experiences may dissolve the rest.

Now once you have the list you want to spend time working on each memory.

Now I want you to focus on one of your anxious memories, you have chosen to deal with first. For instance it could be ‘first day of primary school where I felt so scared’ or ‘people teasing me at school.’ Just start with one you remember where you felt social anxiety.

So anyway back into the tapping. Once you have done a few rounds of your ‘setup’. You are now ready to begin tapping on other areas of your body. 

The areas are:
top of your head
inside of your eyebrow
outside of your eyebrow
under your nose
under your lower lip
on your collar bone
the lower inner potion of the pectoral
the lower outer area of the pectoral
the wrist

You tap of each roughly seven times. You tap on one area 7 times then move to the next in the order that I have given you. The whole thing is called a round. 

Once you finish the round you start at the top of your head again. Now you don’t just want to tap, you want to focus on the negative event as you tap. You also want to say in your head (or out loud) of the things that you would have been thinking at the time and try to have a different sentence for each tapping point.

For example: the first day of kindergarten

Setup(x5): ‘even though I have this social anxiety, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.’

Top head: ‘ I feel anxious’

Inner eyebrow: ‘I don’t feel safe here’

Outer eyebrow: ‘ I want to hide’

Under lip: ‘ I don’t feel comfortable around these other kids.’

Collar: ‘ Help me’

Inner lower pec: ‘ I want to go home’

Outer lower pec: I feel so anxious

Wrist: I feel so frightened’

That’s just one round, keep going until you feel calmer about the situation; you will get to a point where to feel completely calm it may take 20 rounds or more.

Now once you are in a calm place you want to now visualize the situation going well and visualize e yourself feeling great in the situation. You just repeat what you did before and tap in the positive beliefs.

For example:

Top head: ‘ I feel great’

Inner eyebrow: ‘I am handling the situation with ease

Outer eyebrow: ‘ I make many new friends

Under lip: ‘ These kids like me.’

Collar: ‘ I feel safe here’

Inner lower pec: ‘ I love making new friends’

Outer lower pec: I feel good’

Wrist: ‘ I feel relaxed and calm’

Do this until you feel great!

NOTE: This is just ONE ASPECT! You have to go through and work on more memories where you felt anxious. It could be in the mall, going shopping, at work, whatever! Just keep working on this and try to do it for 45 minutes a day. You will probably end up working on 3-5 memories in that time frame. 

Basically do this every day and maybe take the weekend off. After a few weeks I guarantee that your social anxiety will be cured 100% The reason for this is because you have neutralised the negative emotion and then you have reinforced a more positive emotion about the situation.

When you do this for enough memories you will notice your social anxiety triggers get less and less. Don’t get down if you feel a nervous trigger, you haven’t gone back to square one it just means that you haven’t dealt with underlying memory yet.

Anyway that’s about all you have to do, ive tried to say everything but give it a go, and do some research on EFT I guarantee that it will change your life!

Also before I have finished you may have to do a few rounds of tapping away any resistance that you may have about getting rid of your anxiety. If you aren’t getting results this is usually the reason as you may have resistance as you are scared of letting go of your anxiety. Just tap on these beliefs and you will clear any road blocks.

As I say I have been very quick but the fundamentals are there, give it a go, and research into it!

Have a great day everyone


----------



## Lifetimer

brad1991,

Ever since I've first heard about 'EFT', I've been intrigued by it. However, I think around the time I first heard about it is about the time I had either already cured my SA or was in the final stages of curing my SA (healing my toxic shame is what cured my SA). Thus, for that reason, I've never had the chance to try EFT on the SA that I had. Therefore I can't give any personal testimonial if EFT works or not. However, there is a free ebook about EFT written by a woman named Marian Mills. She customized it especially for people with toxic shame (her phrase is "long-term" shame). As I detailed in my main thread, toxic shame / "long-term" shame is the cause of SA in most people. Brad1991, it looks like you did a fairly good job in your post in regards to the basic introduction into EFT, but I think Ms. Mills ebook goes more into detail and gets into the core issue much more in regards to those with anxiety issues (SA or otherwise).

So, if anyone is interested in trying out EFT to cure your SA, then I highly recommend the free ebook by Marian Mills. The reason I recommend her book is not because I've tried EFT (as I have explained earlier - I have not tried EFT), but the reason I really recommend it is because it specifically addresses the core reason why most here have social anxiety. More specifically, it heals you at the root of the problem. I want to make it clear that I am only recommending to try EFT if that is what you truly want to do. I don't know if it works because I've never tried it. However, if you ARE going to try it, then Ms. Mills free ebook is the best way to go ... because it deals directly with the core issue of most people here.

Here is the link to my review of her ebook. At the end of the review is a link to her free ebook: http://bit.ly/NIvmJD

For those of you whom are not interested in EFT techniques, then it is a *must* that you at least read the first 3 posts of my main thread and then follow my healing plan to heal your TS & SA. My "main thread" is the link at the very bottom of this post.

Lifetimer


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## EricaBright

Really amazing content you shared it. Thank you very much.


----------



## twitchy666

*Before reading all the posts*

My default response is anger. When poked or prompted, from school to now, I communicate with fearsome eye lock staring, speechless

Then I speak when I'm ready


----------



## MarieB

The fear of criticism or judging is crippling. Five lovely compliments in a row can be quickly undone by one raised eyebrow.


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## flip5071

If I could do those things I wouldnt have SA


----------



## Jfisch

Also, just in what I have noticed this forum.

Is that everyone who complains about it, also feels the need to burden themselves with questions they don't understand really. 

Like you can't stop feeling anxious if you always have to ask the internet your questions. They are here for the same thing, they are in no way capable of answering it, 
But the sad part is that, most of these questions are asked just cause, it's not to actually learn how others see things. Its just to complain in some sense.


----------



## jimity

Jfisch said:


> Also, just in what I have noticed this forum.
> 
> Is that everyone who complains about it, also feels the need to burden themselves with questions they don't understand really.
> 
> Like you can't stop feeling anxious if you always have to ask the internet your questions. They are here for the same thing, they are in no way capable of answering it,
> But the sad part is that, most of these questions are asked just cause, it's not to actually learn how others see things. Its just to complain in some sense.


A lot of people come on here to ask questions they would never be able to ask in face to face. Does it really matter what the reason they have for asking the questions. People want to complain or vent or maybe just looking for someone to listen or for validation.


----------



## Ladysoul

Very Very interesting techniques


----------



## bestFizzy

Jfisch said:


> Also, just in what I have noticed this forum.
> 
> Is that everyone who complains about it, also feels the need to burden themselves with questions they don't understand really.
> 
> Like you can't stop feeling anxious if you always have to ask the internet your questions. They are here for the same thing, they are in no way capable of answering it,
> But the sad part is that, most of these questions are asked just cause, it's not to actually learn how others see things. Its just to complain in some sense.


That's a gross overstatement. Its that way sometimes, but a lot of people here have experience with X medication or Y problem and have advice for dealing with certain things. Everyone has different experience in different areas.


----------



## handsup

I forget all these techniques, all I think about is my FEAR when I am in actual social situations. So I can't apply them in real life.


----------



## miqel

handsup said:


> I forget all these techniques, all I think about is my FEAR when I am in actual social situations. So I can't apply them in real life.


maybe learn one technique at time. fe. one week your job is to just catch negative thoughts and focus on something else. 
on the next week catch negative thought, make rational statement about your fear, and focus on something else.


----------



## ItsNotSafeHere

handsup said:


> I forget all these techniques, all I think about is my FEAR when I am in actual social situations. So I can't apply them in real life.


Yes! I always tell myself if i'm in a social situation i just need to breathe and calm down but when it actually happens you can't really focus on anything but the fear!


----------



## AnxietyFreeee

There are lots of great info here, but what is the most important is taking serious action daily, which you did. This is what I did and how I completely overcame my anxiety. Too many people just seek immediate comfort instead of taking action to heal. Nobody can heal your anxuety for you. I did take lots of herbs and supplements which helped me so I can take action, and healed me on a physical level, but ultimately, it is you that defeats the anxiety. I can say I am 100% anxiety free now. Also, understanding exactly what causes panic or anxiety, likr the fight or flight response, helped demystify it all. 

I am not a fan of EFT, the finger tapping stuff, as it seems a bit too psychosomatic to me, but I have barely used it. If it helps others than thatis great. But I can say that the key is, you must know that you can overcome anxiety, just as you can overcome a cold or flu, and you must think, "Ok, what needs to be done to become anxiety free?", and keep pushing forward and you will get there.


----------



## miqel

yes this eft ****, nlp, even prolonging cognitive part of CBT (which is real and very useful thing unlike the like other two) can be just an excuse from doing things that matter for you (like finding for a girlfriend, applying for job you want, making new friends). do cognitive part of therapy but take action, f.e. you can make a list of 100 things you fear and start from the easiest one too most scary thing (while continuing with cognitive therapy). you can find for magic pill but it doesn't exist. just few techniques that works + action and gradual improvement.


----------



## socialanxietydisorder

*Excellent article*

Excellent article...Thanks very much for posting it...I have one query...How to do fear facing? Because there are so many factors beyond our control...And also how to judge our 'performance'?


----------



## johnmorr142

Brilliant brilliant post! Something for just about everyone here, including me. Thanks a lot!


----------



## thetruepath

*Hey its @findthetruepath*

Isn't there a quicker way of overcoming your social anxiety.


----------



## jimity

thetruepath said:


> Isn't there a quicker way of overcoming your social anxiety.


Meds. Lobotomy. Death.


----------



## twitchy666

*OK*

Pretty good

done training techniques with phone - sitting back-to-back chairs where you can hear and not see. Nice idea. Still useless. Nothing NEW. Done confidence lessons...

I wouldn't want and more school lessons about how to read, use paper, pencil, rulers, rubbers...

Don't need any help. Not with swimming or running, or reading out the time.

Straight in. OK. Anxiety does have me by the throat. There's no answer. I think luck is the answer. Different people. But held back; unable to meet until I pass the test I know nothing of the demands. It's a lottery. I have tried every way, every day. I could dance like Jimmy Savile. On the phone?

Actually I have had a good time meeting my friend this year. Real good. Better outlook. Set for a good mood when I meet the next stranger. But it can't happen without a phone precursor to get an interview.

Everyone just says don't bother


----------



## juvy

thanks for sharing the techniques, too long to read but worth it


----------



## Junebuug

Thank you so much


----------



## Peterg73

brad1991 said:


> Ok first of all I just wanted to say that I'm not selling anything. I haven't read much on this forum before and have just recently become a member. I became a member not to ask for help but to tell YOU THAT YOU CAN EASILY BE CURED FROM YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY!
> 
> I'm 22 and have suffered from this debilitating condition for a while and I know what all of you are going through believe me. All of that time wasted, dreading all aspects of life and just feeling depressed and as though you've taken a back seat to your life as you watch it all go by.
> 
> Ok now I have tried everything, literally everything to fix myself and I have come up with the fix. If you read on this thread will change your life! YOU CAN GET RID OF SOCIAL ANXIETY 100%
> 
> Before I discuss I just want to say that this will be a rather long post because social anxiety is a complicated subject and if it were simple I wouldn't be writing as much. This doesn't mean that it is hard to get rid of, (in fact it is easy) I just mean that it is complex as there are many aspects to it.
> 
> People all have different reasons for there social anxiety, different triggers, however the concept is all the same with everyone. The problem is, is that many people don't understand social anxiety. Many people believe that they cannot be cured and they feel as though they've felt anxious there whole lives and cannot possibly imagine a life with it. Most people think that they are born with the condition as there parents are similar. Its not that its that, whether you want to accept it or acknowledge it, you've learned these behaviours from those around you without you even realising it, subconsciously.
> 
> You may have been told to 'get out more' and your fears will diminish. LOL! This I guarantee will not work! Not only that buts it's very very very stressful for you guys I know! You may have experienced this before going into a social place/ event ect. I would always find myself anxious for the first half an hour or so until I finally calmed my nerves a bit. Then I would feel good for a few hours and ready to tackle another social encounter, however I was back to normal the next day, ever experience this? Sometimes I wouldn't even be game enough to attempt going in public and I'm sure many of your are like this!
> 
> Ok anyway the method I used to cure my anxiety is called 'EFT' stands for emotional freedom technique. It's a form of acupuncture to clear out any emotions. When I first started learning about this I as very very very very sceptical, however I tried it and stuck at it and after I tried it I felt AMAZING! I stuck at it though for a few more weeks and I haven't felt any ANY anxiety in social situations since!
> 
> You start off by tapping the side of your hand with your index finger of the other hand. You want to tap the side of your hand on the karate chop area, the part you would use for a karate chop! Tap this roughly 7 times with your index finger. This is called the 'setup' and will get your body focussed on your body. When you do this say this sentence out aloud or in your head, 'even though I have this social anxiety, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.' Do maybe 5 round of this as you repeat that phrase, so you would be basically tapping 35 times roughly. Note this doesn't have to be exact, I'm just giving you a good place to start.
> 
> Now that you have completed the 'setup' you now are ready to begin! Remember the setup just focuses your body so you won't feel any different yet.
> 
> Basically what you do now is tap other areas of your body to clear out negative energy or emotional blocks. It basically works by you focusing on a specific situation where you would feel anxiety and you would clear it away by tapping on specific parts of your body where the energy blocks are. Now if you focus on an anxious situation and you tap away the anxiety you may feel better but it will only be a temporary fix.
> 
> You have had this anxiety for a while and you will need to get rid of a lot of aspects. What you do is you write a list of all of the negative experiences from a child to now where you felt anxious and shy. You want a list of at least 50 negative experiences with social anxiety. The ones you want to focus on however are your childhood memories of your social anxiety, or if you developed social anxiety later, your early experiences with social anxiety. You want to focus on the early memories as these are the roots for your anxiety. Also i find that you don't even need to focus on all of your memories as by clearing out a few root experiences may dissolve the rest.
> 
> Now once you have the list you want to spend time working on each memory.
> 
> Now I want you to focus on one of your anxious memories, you have chosen to deal with first. For instance it could be 'first day of primary school where I felt so scared' or 'people teasing me at school.' Just start with one you remember where you felt social anxiety.
> 
> So anyway back into the tapping. Once you have done a few rounds of your 'setup'. You are now ready to begin tapping on other areas of your body.
> 
> The areas are:
> top of your head
> inside of your eyebrow
> outside of your eyebrow
> under your nose
> under your lower lip
> on your collar bone
> the lower inner potion of the pectoral
> the lower outer area of the pectoral
> the wrist
> 
> You tap of each roughly seven times. You tap on one area 7 times then move to the next in the order that I have given you. The whole thing is called a round.
> 
> Once you finish the round you start at the top of your head again. Now you don't just want to tap, you want to focus on the negative event as you tap. You also want to say in your head (or out loud) of the things that you would have been thinking at the time and try to have a different sentence for each tapping point.
> 
> For example: the first day of kindergarten
> 
> Setup(x5): 'even though I have this social anxiety, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.'
> 
> Top head: ' I feel anxious'
> 
> Inner eyebrow: 'I don't feel safe here'
> 
> Outer eyebrow: ' I want to hide'
> 
> Under lip: ' I don't feel comfortable around these other kids.'
> 
> Collar: ' Help me'
> 
> Inner lower pec: ' I want to go home'
> 
> Outer lower pec: I feel so anxious
> 
> Wrist: I feel so frightened'
> 
> That's just one round, keep going until you feel calmer about the situation; you will get to a point where to feel completely calm it may take 20 rounds or more.
> 
> Now once you are in a calm place you want to now visualize the situation going well and visualize e yourself feeling great in the situation. You just repeat what you did before and tap in the positive beliefs.
> 
> For example:
> 
> Top head: ' I feel great'
> 
> Inner eyebrow: 'I am handling the situation with ease
> 
> Outer eyebrow: ' I make many new friends
> 
> Under lip: ' These kids like me.'
> 
> Collar: ' I feel safe here'
> 
> Inner lower pec: ' I love making new friends'
> 
> Outer lower pec: I feel good'
> 
> Wrist: ' I feel relaxed and calm'
> 
> Do this until you feel great!
> 
> NOTE: This is just ONE ASPECT! You have to go through and work on more memories where you felt anxious. It could be in the mall, going shopping, at work, whatever! Just keep working on this and try to do it for 45 minutes a day. You will probably end up working on 3-5 memories in that time frame.
> 
> Basically do this every day and maybe take the weekend off. After a few weeks I guarantee that your social anxiety will be cured 100% The reason for this is because you have neutralised the negative emotion and then you have reinforced a more positive emotion about the situation.
> 
> When you do this for enough memories you will notice your social anxiety triggers get less and less. Don't get down if you feel a nervous trigger, you haven't gone back to square one it just means that you haven't dealt with underlying memory yet.
> 
> Anyway that's about all you have to do, ive tried to say everything but give it a go, and do some research on EFT I guarantee that it will change your life!
> 
> Also before I have finished you may have to do a few rounds of tapping away any resistance that you may have about getting rid of your anxiety. If you aren't getting results this is usually the reason as you may have resistance as you are scared of letting go of your anxiety. Just tap on these beliefs and you will clear any road blocks.
> 
> As I say I have been very quick but the fundamentals are there, give it a go, and research into it!
> 
> Have a great day everyone


Massive big thanks...
I've tried these techniques and christ what a massive massive diffrence this has been to me in many ways.I normally go bright red when approaching a til at the supermarket...I just kept saying to myself "relax relax relax" "no rush no rush" etc etc and would you believe it no redness for the first time in 8+years.

Also my rush driving and thinking has completely changed,my foot was always above the clutch,now its its relaxed on the floor.In time i will crack this and you have a lot to do with it....Massive thanks.


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## jennilee

thanks for the posts, number 8 helped me quite a bit because that happens to me pretty often. so i will continue trying some of these to see if they will help


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## Peonie

Just bumping this.


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## Junebuug

bump


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## ShocqueAnafalectique

*oooh yeeeeeeeeeah I like dis bump thing!!!!!! letz all bump uglies *


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## jimity

Peonie said:


> Just bumping this.


no need to. it's a sticky.


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## Live Through This

This thread has a lot of good advice, but if you're writing tips for a general population, try to refrain from focusing on a specific group. In this case, it's straight males. If you need to use examples, you have to alternate, or else you alienate people real quick. I have to skip over some stuff in this thread because it's too ridiculous.

I know this thread is old, but for anyone who plans on playing therapist, keep that in mind.


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## Lucyintheskyy

Hey guys, I suffer from SA and I have started a blog. just to share my story, it also involves my recovery from it and i hope to help people. check it out if you want

http://lucyinthesky676.wordpress.com...e-one-of-them/


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## schen5

Nice. I think the biggest one for me was, realizing that people are not as judgmental as you think. By openly admitting that you have SA, most people will be taken aback, and then when you explain yourself, they smile and say its no big deal. Just makes you realize that most people live life very lightheartedly, and very few are the harsh critics that you imagine they are. 

In general though, I try not to talk about SA with people, try to live on the bright side and it makes people more comfortable to be around you. Nobody likes sour milk


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## Chukopin

Actually I find myself to be really judgemental about others. I don't know if that's common but it makes it easy to assume others are just as judgemental.


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## Eric125

Thank you for taking the time to make this post it was beyond helpful


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## thefuturesphd

Really Quick but very important to anyone with Social Anxiety and or other conditions is simply being mindful of the "here and now,"! Just trying to focus on whats happening right now, not what is about to happen or for example reminiscing about old times that may lead you into a depressive feeling of being stuck...Mindfulness Meditation is amazing and it takes about 10 mins a day or more depending on an individuals situation, but knowing you are here in the present and haven't got 30 mins ahead yet or aren't letting your mind take you strolling down memory lane is an easy, cheap (free) and painless activity you can do in a quiet place of your choice and when you bring yourself into the here and now and realize you cant go back and change last weeks hellish events or worry about a test coming up you haven't even got to the study group which is scheduled to meet a week before the actual test but are so focused on that test that isn't on your agenda for weeks to come, is actually making it nearly impossible for you to focus on the daily here and now of life and that is when sadly we miss out on so many things and wonder why....just my two cents


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## thefuturesphd

schen5 said:


> Nice. I think the biggest one for me was, realizing that people are not as judgmental as you think. By openly admitting that you have SA, most people will be taken aback, and then when you explain yourself, they smile and say its no big deal. Just makes you realize that most people live life very lightheartedly, and very few are the harsh critics that you imagine they are.
> 
> In general though, I try not to talk about SA with people, try to live on the bright side and it makes people more comfortable to be around you. Nobody likes sour milk


Totally agree and when it comes down to it...Here is the deal- you aren't alone or close to being the only one alone, look at this site and how many individuals with the same fears are together and helping each other constantly. When you start thinking you are going thru this yourself, take a massive step back and realize we aren't alone and even though it may seem like we are, believe you me, YOU ARE FAR FROM IT! SO yes it is easier said than done but remember when it comes down to it, you are going to be just fine! Period.


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## thefuturesphd

*few thoughts...*



Peterg73 said:


> Massive big thanks...
> I've tried these techniques and christ what a massive massive diffrence this has been to me in many ways.I normally go bright red when approaching a til at the supermarket...I just kept saying to myself "relax relax relax" "no rush no rush" etc etc and would you believe it no redness for the first time in 8+years.
> 
> Also my rush driving and thinking has completely changed,my foot was always above the clutch,now its its relaxed on the floor.In time i will crack this and you have a lot to do with it....Massive thanks.


_If you take a step back sometimes and really think about what is actually causing you to stress out so much, 99 times out of 100 you end up realizing that wow...I didn't ever think of it like that or maybe I should try and be more present and in the "HERE AND NOW," be aware of how insane the life you might be thinking about living and it is still waiting for you isn't all that insane if you stay in the present.

so important.
_


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## social worker

thefuturesphd said:


> Really Quick but very important to anyone with Social Anxiety and or other conditions is simply being mindful of the "here and now,"! Just trying to focus on whats happening right now, not what is about to happen or for example reminiscing about old times that may lead you into a depressive feeling of being stuck...Mindfulness Meditation is amazing and it takes about 10 mins a day or more depending on an individuals situation, but knowing you are here in the present and haven't got 30 mins ahead yet or aren't letting your mind take you strolling down memory lane is an easy, cheap (free) and painless activity you can do in a quiet place of your choice and when you bring yourself into the here and now and realize you cant go back and change last weeks hellish events or worry about a test coming up you haven't even got to the study group which is scheduled to meet a week before the actual test but are so focused on that test that isn't on your agenda for weeks to come, is actually making it nearly impossible for you to focus on the daily here and now of life and that is when sadly we miss out on so many things and wonder why....just my two cents


Like any other bad "habit", letting your mind live in the past or future is a situation that will take time to overcome and reverse. Mindfullness--meditation, breathing exercises, even mindful eating--takes a while to really learn and internalize. Some of us are a little slower in letting go of our old ways and need longer to learn to live in the moment.


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## tejasjs

> See page 5 for cognitive-behavioural therapy walkthrough


Which book you talking about?

Can anyone upload the soft copy of this book?


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## danielhermanson

Very powerful and effective techniques. It took me some time to read them all but it worth it. Thank you!


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## Xabi82

ANXIETY, Somebody help me!! Author: Sara Burillo. 
EXCELLENT!!! Fully Recommended!!
This book saved me... I hope it will help you


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## schen5

Chukopin said:


> Actually I find myself to be really judgemental about others. I don't know if that's common but it makes it easy to assume others are just as judgemental.


This is true. I overanalyze and observe everything around me and so I just naturally assume I'm always being watched as well. Not a nice feeling.


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## amaytorr3884

Take steps 1 or 2 forget about the rest. Action and exposure, intsead logging on to this website to whine go to meetup.com and start making friends. Focus on what you want to happen not what you want to avoid.


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## rakz105

This is very informative. Thanks for sharing.

Hugs,
Rakz


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## vanessauk

This is perfect. I have been reading books that aren't as much help as this. Thanks for posting.


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## IMSOCLOSETOEDGE

When the anxiety comes surender to that emotions completly and it will lose its power. It will just go past you. Take joy and let fear go past you.


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## bestam999

Accept your Imperfections
You have to understand that life is not perfect at all. You might feel that the world is unfair because things are happening against your will, but keep in mind that life can never be perfect. One of the reasons why most people suffer from anxiety is because they tend to blame themselves for the consequences of their actions. But be aware that no matter how much you try to be perfect, our life will always screw us up and we have no choice but to accept it and move on.

Adopt a Pet
Pets are said to be the best antidepressant for anxiety. So if you don’t have any pet, then adopt one! Having a pet around can help to calm your mind so when things are not working the way you want it to be, just play with your pet and everything will be just fine. This is especially recommended for people who live alone and do not have any kids at home.

Leave all your Worries Behind
Most people who suffer from anxiety have the tendency to dwell on bad things for so long. They will usually allow their problems to bother them all throughout the day and would even take it with them to sleep. If you want to get rid of anxiety, then learn how to leave all your worries behind. If you have problems at work, don’t bring it at home. Leave it behind and forget it the moment you go to bed.

Exercise Regularly
Don’t you know that exercising can help to get rid of anxiety? Studies show that anxiety is caused by “adrenaline” a certain hormone that is released in our bloodstream. Exercising or doing any kind of outdoor sports can help to burn all those stress causing hormones. Not only that, exercising can also help to release a chemical known as “endorphins”, which helps the body to feel relaxed.

Turn the Negative to Positive
One of the best ways to deal with anxiety is to actually make the most out of your challenges. For instance, if you are feeling anxious because of a certain problem that you are having, then do something on how you can make that situation to become positive. Do not fight your challenges, instead face it. The reason why people often suffer from anxiety is because they tend to avoid their problems instead of facing them. If you are faced with debts, then look for money making opportunities instead of simply avoiding it. Who knows, such opportunity might just be your key to becoming a millionaire!

What to Do When You Worry Too Much


Look at the Bigger Picture
Sometimes we tend to be anxious even for the smallest things. We allow ourselves to be bothered for little things instead of looking at the bigger picture. A good example is when we lose a belonging, such as a mobile phone. Perhaps, it is one of your most prized possessions that you have spent a lot of your savings for this phone. But if you really think about it, your mobile phone is just a material possession. Sooner or later, you would be able to save up enough money to get yourself a new phone or perhaps, a much better one.

Think of your Blessings
If you are feeling too anxious because you do not have the things that others have, perhaps, it’s time that you reflect on the blessings that you have received in the past. By nature, humans have a tendency to feel envious against another human being who is more successful than them. If you feel so down because you do not have a fancy car just like your neighbors, don’t you think you are still blessed for having a house to live and foods to eat?

Pour out your Thoughts
If something is bothering you, then go ahead, let it out. Do not keep it to yourself, or else, it will eat you out and will just make you to suffer from anxiety. You can talk about it with your partner, your close friends, your mother, brother, sister or any members of your family. Right after you let your thoughts out, believe me, you will feel so much better.

Believe in the Higher Power
While some people may not believe the existence of God, all of us will probably agree on the fact that there is a higher power over there. It’s the power that have full control over our life and the world that we live in. Some of us call it God, while others call it a different name. If you believe in God, then go to your church and recite a prayer for anxiety. Do it regularly and you will soon find peace within yourself and all the worries and anxieties will surely be gone.

Appreciate your Life
People who have suicidal tendencies are those who don’t know the value of life. Remember that life is a beautiful gift and we should be thankful for this. Sooner or later, we may have to say goodbye to this beautiful gift, so while we still have it, we should enjoy it as much as we can. As they say, life is short. Therefore, forget all your problems behind and live life to the fullest.


----------



## Nadiabear

tomcronin108 said:


> i used to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. i havent had one in yrs and never used medication. i practiced meditation twice daily without fail, i read many books on spirituality. i changed my diet and made sure i was grounded with food. i walked. did weights to stay grounded. i went to bed early and stretched and did yoga. basically i created balance. it takes time, but its possible


this. when you feel good about yourself you don't care as much


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## UnderConstruction

I definitely believe that meditation is great for lessening the pains of social anxiety. I haven't been doing it for very long, but it is very relaxing. Not only does it make me feel grounded, but it makes me feel completely at peace and balanced internally.


----------



## sistermidnight

UnderConstruction said:


> I definitely believe that meditation is great for lessening the pains of social anxiety. I haven't been doing it for very long, but it is very relaxing. Not only does it make me feel grounded, but it makes me feel completely at peace and balanced internally.


I agree! Meditation has helped me gain some relief from all of my mental health issues and can totally change the mindset I have for the day


----------



## Irsen

Why is it written for guys only? :|


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## jimity

Irsen said:


> Why is it written for guys only? :|


Is it because one of the techniques mentioned going to strip club/***** house. out of the 40 or so tips there are only a few that specifically geared towards guys so get over it.


----------



## Irsen

jimity said:


> Is it because one of the techniques mentioned going to strip club/***** house. out of the 40 or so tips there are only a few that specifically geared towards guys so get over it.


Not really strip club. If you read the situation examples, you'd see they are all about "her".


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## jimity

Irsen said:


> Not really strip club. If you read the situation examples, you'd see they are all about "her".


Well then substitute her for him.


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## payalll

hii


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## jazzpants86

Love this **** guys! c'mon keep this helpful stuff rolling in! love you all! muahhhh!


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## mcgilicutty

Ommm


----------



## Ressurection

Helpful for many, great job. 

Some techniques I have are learning that thoughts do not determine reality, or what will happen. 

Don't stay too focused on thoughts, learn to stay realistic and do what needs to be done instead of allowing negative, doubtful thoughts to come in and persuade you to do the opposite. 

Remember everyone is embarrassed once in a while, it's human nature, so don't beat yourself up or single yourself out. 

Sometimes, just going for whatever it is you want to accomplish is all it takes to be happy and overcome a social fear. 

Worst case scenario, someone laughs or judges, and so what. That's their opinion, and if you hold their opinion over yours, then you've gave them more power over you, essentially lessening your own opinions of yourself.

Almost all people regardless of having SA want to be noticed to some degree, and care about what others think. Which is why many people will show some type of emotion if you judge them. We are social creatures and it's ingrained in us to feel connections and be liked and accepted. So next time you're out, don't feel like people don't accept you, and also understand some Norm might be wondering why you're not accepting them, or even wonder if you're judging them!

Anyways advice is always best, so if I helped great. Think of your own techniques and words of advice to help yourself too. Whatever helps is all that matters.


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## RecoveredWell

Good tips.


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## TheQuestion42

Great techniques! Thanks, truly, I think I'm gonna give some of them a try


----------



## LotusBloom

Number 15 :surprise:
Geezus! Haha! But so true. We are mushy people and will all die at some point.

I'll be coming back to this thread.


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## Vilanelle

this is the most helpful post of this forum


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## VanDamme

WARNING!

The topic title is misleading. Yes, many techniques are able to create anxiety but some do the EXACT OPPOSITE. If you only want to create anxiety then it would be highly counteractive if you actually removed on now wouldn't it? 

[/JOKE]


----------



## blushinggirl

Hi, I'm new to this, so hello. 

If anyone can help me with giving some advice, I'd be truly grateful.

Well, I've been living with horrible social anxiety/blushing for 3-4 years now. I'm 15. I am completely miserable. I don't get out ever. I haven't got out of my house for almost two months now. I have severe blushing, and I also have an addiction to fans. I constantly have a fan by my face 24/7 (it reduces the chance of blushing), so much so that it has caused problems with my family as well. I cry every time I get out. Every time I go to a store or visit relatives I burst out in tears until my parents realize it's time to go. People think strange of me because of that. I can't help it.

I've talked to my mom before about medication and she doesn't want any mind-controlling stuff. And she would also like to see me fight through this. I feel like she wants to help me but doesn't know how exactly. 
Please help me.

Thank you for your time and for reading this.

sincerely,
blushinggirl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VanDamme

blushinggirl said:


> Hi, I'm new to this, so hello.
> 
> If anyone can help me with giving some advice, I'd be truly grateful.
> 
> Well, I've been living with horrible social anxiety/blushing for 3-4 years now. I'm 15. I am completely miserable. I don't get out ever. I haven't got out of my house for almost two months now. I have severe blushing, and I also have an addiction to fans. I constantly have a fan by my face 24/7 (it reduces the chance of blushing), so much so that it has caused problems with my family as well. I cry every time I get out. Every time I go to a store or visit relatives I burst out in tears until my parents realize it's time to go. People think strange of me because of that. I can't help it.
> 
> I've talked to my mom before about medication and she doesn't want any mind-controlling stuff. And she would also like to see me fight through this. I feel like she wants to help me but doesn't know how exactly.
> Please help me.
> 
> Thank you for your time and for reading this.
> 
> sincerely,
> blushinggirl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi,

I'm guessing that if you post your questions as a new thread in Coping With Social Anxiety topic, more people will see it and be able to repond to it.

For now, here is my answer. I can think of two possibilities but there may be more.

1) Since you are a teenager, it is a time when your body is undergoing a lot of changes and the issue may be related to that. Have you visited a doctor about your blushing issue?

2) There's another possibility where you "acquired" this response. Has something similar happened to you: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/anyone-else-suffers-from-chronic-blushing-1613194/
It didn't have to be exactly the same, but as long as you felt embarrassed, shameful or afraid, that feeling may have been stored by your brain. Or maybe somebody made a comment about you blushing at some point and you started to worry and that was remembered. If the issue is like this then there's a good chance that it can be changed.

Just a few thoughts. Let me know what you think and if you have any questions by responding here or in a PM.


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## cgmmmx

This thread has helped me very much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kaaryn

Imagination.. working on imagining being confident etc etc.. endless.. remembering the imagination and happinessi built for myself as as a child. (Hmm interesting words tat i built but then we most probably have yo build heathy imaginings to cope :relaxed:


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## katrin1234

i'd like to give one more tip:Accept Yourself

You should just accept your aptitude to worry as a feature of the character. There is no need to blame yourself for the fears, even if they are too intrusive and irrational:

"Yes, I am afraid that a brick will fall on my head tomorrow. I have a right to be afraid."

When anxiety is not perceived as an internal enemy, it reduces its influence on the quality of life. The mind ceases to dwell on worries, admitting their existence, and switches to actions.
It really works))
http://undepress.net/anxiety-issues-tips-to-get-rid-of-anxiety/


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## That Random Guy

This needs to be a sticky.

Moderators, please take it into consideration!

This is a real good resource for self-help.

- T.R.G.


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## Lifetimer

That Random Guy said:


> This needs to be a sticky.
> 
> Moderators, please take it into consideration!
> 
> This is a real good resource for self-help.
> 
> - T.R.G.


What do you mean "This needs to be a sticky"? It is already a sticky! lol.

The REAL question is: Why isn't the following thread *not* a sticky? ( at this link: http://bit.ly/UeWprg ). The thread at that link deals with the *root cause* of social anxiety instead of the symptoms, but this thread we are now in only deals with the symptoms (and the other current sticky threads also only deal with the symptoms). The thread at that link is THE most important thread in the forum, yet it is not a sticky?? The moderators should be ashamed of themselves.

Lifetimer


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## That Random Guy

*!*



Lifetimer said:


> What do you mean "This needs to be a sticky"? It is already a sticky! lol.
> 
> The REAL question is: Why isn't the following thread *not* a sticky? ( at this link: http://bit.ly/UeWprg ). The thread at that link deals with the *root cause* of social anxiety instead of the symptoms, but this thread we are now in only deals with the symptoms (and the other current sticky threads also only deal with the symptoms). The thread at that link is THE most important thread in the forum, yet it is not a sticky?? The moderators should be ashamed of themselves.
> 
> Lifetimer


I wasn't aware. Thank you for the clarification, however.

I guess I saw wrong...

I didn't come by your thread when I was scrolling, but now that you've brought it to my attention, I'll take a look.

I appreciate your dedication!

Have a good one.

- T.R.G.


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## Charmander

@Lifetimer You might have had greater luck by posting a request in forum feedback...


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## CrystalCrown

........ew.


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## I Beethoven

Thanks for this theres great techniques here i will be using these thanks again!

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## JDsays

Something I like to do when I start worrying about things for no reason is to tell myself that "Thoughts are abstract". "Thoughts are abstract" meaning I'm worrying about abstract concepts that can't hurt me. Abstract thinking or too much imagination can lead down a wormhole of worry that doesn't have a place in reality. The idea behind this came to me after watching the movie 'Inside Out'. There's a scene in the movie that really stuck with me about how abstract thoughts can lead to irrational, unnecessary worrying.


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## I Beethoven

JDsays said:


> Something I like to do when I start worrying about things for no reason is to tell myself that "Thoughts are abstract". "Thoughts are abstract" meaning I'm worrying about abstract concepts that can't hurt me. Abstract thinking or too much imagination can lead down a wormhole of worry that doesn't have a place in reality. The idea behind this came to me after watching the movie 'Inside Out'. There's a scene in the movie that really stuck with me about how abstract thoughts can lead to irrational, unnecessary worrying.


Thanks i will use that it makes alot of sense.

Sent from my SM-A300FU using Tapatalk


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## conquerAnxiety

*work on confidence and work on changing daily habits*



kaaryn said:


> Imagination.. working on imagining being confident etc etc.. endless.. remembering the imagination and happinessi built for myself as as a child. (Hmm interesting words tat i built but then we most probably have yo build heathy imaginings to cope :relaxed:


I work on my confidence, and also talk to 1 new stranger everyday to change my actions. Instead of avoiding people I push myself to talk to strangers in my local community. At the local park there are lots of old people walking dogs and looking after their grandkids. These people look friendly and not intimidating or aggressive. By talking to people I feel from a 2 to 8 out of 10, my mood automatically changes when I take big action to talk to people. I think the depression that comes with social anxiety comes from the isolation from other people, if we take BIG action and actively overcome isolation this will make everyone feel better hopefully.

As an example, if I stay indoors and not talk to anyone for 2 straight days I feel depression straight away. My thinking becomes really negative and dark for no real reason, I start to ruminate about things from the past, bad things that happened. But when I go out of the house to go for a walk, go shopping, go on public transport I feel better right away. The biggest mood booster is after I talk to someone I don't know. It is a huge sense of achievement even if I experience mild/high anxiety while talking to them.

Let me know your thoughts


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## Sassandclass

conquerAnxiety said:


> I work on my confidence, and also talk to 1 new stranger everyday to change my actions. Instead of avoiding people I push myself to talk to strangers in my local community. At the local park there are lots of old people walking dogs and looking after their grandkids. These people look friendly and not intimidating or aggressive. By talking to people I feel from a 2 to 8 out of 10, my mood automatically changes when I take big action to talk to people. I think the depression that comes with social anxiety comes from the isolation from other people, if we take BIG action and actively overcome isolation this will make everyone feel better hopefully.
> 
> As an example, if I stay indoors and not talk to anyone for 2 straight days I feel depression straight away. My thinking becomes really negative and dark for no real reason, I start to ruminate about things from the past, bad things that happened. But when I go out of the house to go for a walk, go shopping, go on public transport I feel better right away. The biggest mood booster is after I talk to someone I don't know. It is a huge sense of achievement even if I experience mild/high anxiety while talking to them.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts


Could not agree more! Pushing past the isolation is key. Talking to people, keeping open to new experiences, keeping busy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## grayemma

*5 Signs And Symptoms Of Anxiety*

This issue is rapidly becoming a hot topic, which is why you can easily access online information about signs and symptoms of anxiety. It's true that many people suffer the negative consequences of this condition, but there are plenty of individuals who managed to get rid of anxiety. A few even learned how to use their anxiety as a tool to enhance their performance. We'll talk about that in another article. For now, let's focus on the common signs of anxiety.

* #1 You are constantly second-guessing yourself*

If you're having trouble with even the smallest decisions, like choosing between two different brands of soda, it means that second-guessing is one of the main characteristics of your anxiety. Even if you finally choose one, you'll still be overwhelmed by doubt. "Maybe the other one was tastier" or "What if I don't like this soda", are probably some of the thoughts that go through your head. If you can look at this from an objective point of view, choosing between two different brands of soda is a small decision, with no significant consequences. Despite this, you continue to make mountains out of molehills, because that's what anxiety tells your mind to do.

*#2 You have trouble sleeping*

Ok, so the day is over and you can finally rest by taking a quiet night's sleep. As soon as your head hits the pillow, you start to feel that annoying stream of doubts and worries. You would be surprised by what keeps anxious people up at night. A concern leads to another, and by the time you realize this, the sun is up and you need to prepare for a new day. Using a relaxation technique right before you go to bed, might be useful in putting your mind at rest.

*#3 You are a perfectionist*

This is actually one of the few positive and functional aspects of anxiety. Your anxiety will transform you into a perfectionist who seeks only the best and manages to reach high levels of performance. Everything you design or create is absolutely flawless, but this comes at a great cost. On a personal level, of course. When you combine perfectionism with self-doubt, the result is catastrophic. It's true that the end result will be a job well done, but you'll feel like a zombie afterward.

*#4 You are always uptight*

When you suffer from anxiety, your body has a certain rigidity. To be more specific, you have a tight throat feeling, your stomach is on standby and your arms and legs feel like they don't exist. It's like the ground suddenly disappears from beneath your feet and you feel like falling.

The same uptight feeling can prevent you from speaking. You want to talk but your mouth simply stays shut. It sounds strange, I know, but the self-criticism is always there to tell you that: "People will laugh at you" or "They will think that you're stupid". The only effective way to deal with these paralyzing thoughts is by challenging them on a rational level.

*#5 You frequently use avoidance*

As an anxious individual, avoidance is your best coping mechanism. At least that's what you probably think. Every time a certain situation gets tight, you choose to escape from it by running away. Avoiding a stressful situation, especially those in which your performance is put to the test, will release you from those uncomfortable feelings. The only problem is that, without exposing yourself to a little bit of stress and maybe a drop of criticism, you'll never learn how to deal with them.

The fact that you identified yourself with some of those signs and symptoms of anxiety, is not the end of the world. Besides therapy, there are plenty of anxiety medication (for severe cases only) and other alternative treatments.


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## anxious777confident

Nice post!!


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## thegent86

Great information, thank you!


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## DanielaC121

Thanks for this! Definitely worth a try


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## Campbellsmith

Thanks for sharing your info it is very helpful and informative too..


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## GeralTucker90

*Which is the best anxiety technique?*

Hi,
I have gone through different anxiety techniques. And this post was informative and I'm thankful for it. Please share your views. 
Thank you.


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## Maverick34

From the book "Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks by Barry McDonagh"... *ALLOW IT.*

Telling yourself "allow it" basically commands your body/mind to allow the anxiety/panic to happen, which puts you back in the control seat. Surprisingly it worked & still does. It doesn't fix my condition but it really takes the edge off.


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## truant

This isn't really about social anxiety specifically, but it's how I try to approach all of my problems in general (and I have many).

Whenever bad stuff happens (which is all the time), or my anxiety is through the roof (which it always is), or I generally feel like everything is hopeless (which goes without saying), I try to remind myself: "This is quite the adventure! What an interesting experience I'm having!" Ime, this single thought is more effective than CBT, ACT, CFT, and a bunch of other therapies I've never even tried.

When the zombie hordes created by improbable interactions between Covid-19 and global warming [insert vague allusions to chaos/catastrophe theory] finally come banging on my door, moaning for human flesh, I'll be sure to remind myself "What an amazing adventure I'm having!" And then something equally improbable will happen and I won't die (yet again).


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## SplendidBob

I go with acceptance, and welcoming it like an old, slightly ****y friend lol.

It tends to allow it to fade, when it fades. It doesn't get rid of it, its still unpleasant as ****, but the struggle doesn't prolong things, and I tend to actually do the thing I would otherwise avoid if I try to get rid of it. I just kinda accept this is going to be uncomfortable for a while.


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## zane777

thanks a ton for all these techniques, i am going to try the humourous imagining tomorrow at work induction, wish me luck


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## rifemachine01

It's a common "prescription" to tell anxiety-prone clients to take care of their bodies by eating well, avoiding alcohol, tobacco, sweets, and caffeine, and exercising, but not doing so can weaken the effectiveness of other anti-anxiety approaches. Ellie, for example, had almost completely eliminated her anxiety during the summer before starting college by practicing deep, quiet breathing and learning to halt her catastrophic thinking. She'd even been able to wean herself off the anti-anxiety medicine she'd been on for years. Her panic episodes returned with a vengeance two months after she started college. She returned to see me but immediately informed me that she would be calling her doctor for a new Xanax prescription. I suggested that she establish a panic profile a journal tracking when and under what conditions she had panic attacks—for a couple of weeks before making the contact.


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## mt moyt

what im doing now is removing the ego, as it was for me one of the reasons why i was afraid of trying (and failing). the other thing im trying to do is to forget anything embarrassing as fast as i can. distractions, trying to see the funny side of everything, helps. all this does is to allow exposure to social situations, so i would still have to work on social skills etc. at least i can say i have tried.

more practically, as has been mentioned, breathing deeply through my nose helps.


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## sprinter

An NLP technique....



> 1. Choose Your Shape Of Confidence.
> So, what we’re going to do is build a trigger for you that allows you to instantly (and automatically) trigger feelings of confidence whenever you need them. This trigger will be a shape that you imagine and step into, in your mind, and it will automatically flood your entire body with confidence. So, take a moment now and think of a coloured shape that you want to use as your trigger confidence from now on.
> For example, you might choose a red sphere. Or a green pyramid. Or a blue cylinder. Pick a specific coloured shape that you’ll be able to easily associate with the kind of confidence you want.
> Now, if you’d like to make this even more powerful you might want to also give this “shape of confidence” a unique sound.
> What sound do you naturally associate with confidence?
> It could be a sound effect from a movie, or a particular song (some people like “Eye Of The Tiger”, for example), or anything else that you can imagine. Maybe even the sound of a horns section from a big band.
> Again, it doesn’t matter which sound you choose (and your shape doesn’t even need to have a sound if you want to keep it simple) because all we’re doing is selecting unique triggers (a sound and image) you can use to tell your brain to flood confidence into your body.
> Okay, when you’ve decided on your shape (and sound if you choose one) write it down in the space below. You might even want to draw it.
> My unique shape for confidence is:
> The colour for this shape is:
> 
> 2. Identify a Time When You Felt Absolutely Confident.
> Now that you’ve chosen a unique shape (and possibly a sound) for the state of confidence, I want you to identify a time in your life when you felt totally confident in a way that you’d like to be in the future.
> If you don’t think you’ve felt totally confident before, then I’d like to reassure you that you have. You just didn’t notice it. I’ve had clients that were so timid around people that they were too nervous to go out in public, even to the shops. However, they had all felt totally confident somewhere in their life – one playing alone with her dog, one with his best friend, one driving his car, another writing computer programs. So I know, without a doubt, that you've had many experiences where you have felt totally confident before.
> Take a moment, search back through your life, and identify a time you felt totally confident in a way you'd like to be in the future. Do this now.
> NB: It’s very important that you pick a time when you were totally confident. We want a time when you had strong feelings of confidence, because, if you choose a time when you felt mildly confident, you’ll get mild results. This step is really important so take all the time you need to do it well.
> 3. Access Confidence.
> Okay, now that you’ve identified a time when you felt totally confident, I want to show you how to use your memory of that time to re-access that confidence now.
> Here’s what I want you to do: Stand up, take the memory of the time you felt totally confident, close your eyes, and relive it in detail. See what you saw when you were there. Hear what you heard in that situation. Adjust your posture so that it matches in detail the way you were standing back then. Breathe the way you were breathing back in that situation. (If you think that you can’t remember how you were breathing in that memory, just pretend as if you remember. Ask yourself, “if I was breathing the same way now, how would I be breathing?” and let your body answer. You’ll notice your breathing changes to match the way you were breathing back in the experience.)
> As you see what you saw and hear what you heard back in that experience, amplify your feelings of confidence by making the image in your mind bigger, brighter, closer, and more 3-dimensional. Turn up the volume of the sounds you heard back then so that it increases the intensity of your feelings. Then double the size of the image. Make it bigger and bigger, and as you do so let those strong feelings of confidence rush throughout your body.
> 
> 4. Attach The Feeling of Confidence To Your Shape Of Confidence.
> Now, the moment you start to feel those confident feelings intensify I want you to imagine your “shape of confidence” around you so that you're completely surrounded by it, standing inside it. Also, if you choose to have a sound associated with your shape, then notice that you can hear your sound because you’re inside your shape.
> As soon as those feelings of confidence are at their strongest, physically step outside your shape leaving those confident feelings inside it, in front of you. Yes, I know that it’s an unusual thing to ask you to do, but you can do it.
> (Note: Obviously this step involves visualizing your shape around you. If you don’t visualize easily in consciousness, then just pretend that you can see your shape. Pretending works just as well as actually visualizing.)
> 5. Verify That Your Shape Of Confidence Works.
> Okay, once you’ve stepped out of your shape, open your eyes and go into a neutral state. Shaking out your body a little will help you do this.
> Now we’re going to test your “shape of confidence”. So, close your eyes and see your shape in front of you. Step inside it once again, hearing the sound associated with it (if you chose one). You'll find that the feelings of confidence will instantly and automatically rush back into your body. Once you feel them strongly, step back outside once again, leaving those totally confident feelings inside your shape
> Now, if you didn’t find that those feelings of confidence came rushing back into your body, it's okay. Many people find, at first, that they need to practice steps 3 and 4 a few times until they notice that stepping into their shape of confidence automatically brings back those strong confident feelings.
> Part B – Use Your Shape Of Confidence.
> 6. Identify Where You’d Like To Automatically Have These Feelings Of Confidence.
> Okay. Once you can simply stand inside your shape of confidence and it automatically makes you feel those strong feelings of confidence, then we're ready to use it. We’re going to use your shape of confidence to teach your brain how to automatically make you feel confident in the very situations you’d like to be more confident in.


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## LonelyFellow87

jimity said:


> See page 5 for cognitive-behavioural therapy walkthrough
> 
> 1. FLOODING
> You need to dive into the feared situation without looking back. I did this heaps of times with the small things like talking on the phone with someone else around or checking the letterbox. You have to flood heaps of times before the anxiety gets better. As for the personal big ones for myself like approaching an opposite-sexed person I like or asserting myself to authority, it was just too hard and I had to resort to other techniques first. When I faced a fear my mind would first focus on to see if others were looking or were about to turn rejecting or critical and when it concluded they were then my attention would switch over to myself and social anxiety would start. I needed to realize that these were just thoughts and did not necessarily reflect reality. Once I got it I could just begin to get on with what I was doing instead of being preoccupied with the thought of others were staring or were being rejecting.
> 
> Flooding for social anxiety is a bit of a miss and hit affair because of self-consciousness and safety behaviours. Self-consciousness keeps the problem going because information will be biased toward negative appraisals of the self and others. Safety behaviours keep the problem going also because you do certain things to help ward off potential embarrassment and humiliation. Without those behaviours you feel threatened while with them you feel more secure. You might drink alcohol before an event. You might always stand near the back of the room behind everyone. You will never learn to see that these threats are really imagined or exaggerated if you don't allow yourself to behave differently andm ove out of your comfort zone. Therefore the problem of shyness and social anxiety remain when these 2 things are intact. Remove them and flooding has a better chance to work.
> 
> 2. GRADUAL EXPOSURE
> Start by smiling and making eye contact when saying hello and goodbye to cashiers. Ask for help in department stores where people work. Talk to them by asking questions. Make things up to keep the conversation flowing. Go to a restaurant and ask the waitress about the food. If you own a cb-radio, you might find a few people on the air which you can then talk to. Once you get used to all of this you can perhaps try to make it a goal of saying hello to one person each day. You might start saying hello to inanimate objects fist. Then try animals then maybe your own reflection. Imagine your reflection is a person. This is a good way to get your mind used to saying hello. Approach people to ask them for the time or directions. If this is all too hard, you might start chatting with people online. This is how I started gettig over my opposite-sex shyness. If sexual situations make you unconfortable you might try phone sex, then a strip club and you might try a even get yourself a lap dancer. Then finally you can go all the way and get a prostitute. Try approaching people you don't like or have no intention of dating. I found drunk women far easier to communicate with because I know they are more open to other people. Once this is all too easy, you can move up and onto more classy or sophisticated women. Try online dating perhaps.
> 
> You start off doing little things bit by bit. Try and come up with as many of your social fears as possible and number them from lowest to highest. Write them down and try to gradually reduce them. This is a good strategy because with each success you will feel a boost in your confidence to keep going. Really you should write your progress so that you don't forget! But really you should combine this with cognitive therapy.
> 
> 3. EXTERNAL FOCUS
> Whenever you feel social anxiety and your attention beginning to focus on yourself, realize that it is and redirect it onto something on the outside like
> what someone is saying. You will need to practice this technique for a few weeks before it become significantly helpful. Just pick an object such as a shadow on the wall and gaze at it. When your mind wanders off realize it has wandered from the object and you can just easily redirect it back. Keep practicing this for a few weeks or until you can hold your attention on the object for at least 1 minute without distraction. Then you will have a powerful ability to help control acute attacks of social anxiety and self-consciousness because you can just keep holding your attention away from yourself and away from any unpleasant feelings and sensations. This technique is really great for seeing that people are not being judgemental or watchful like you may think they are.
> 
> Remember that realization is the way to redirect the mind back onto an object and that concentration is all mental effort; physical strain is not a sign of concentration.
> 
> 4.BLANK MIND
> Whenever you need to do something but it makes you anxious, say you need to go to the shop for something but you think people will laugh and insult you just try to toss all thoughts out of your mind. You might try to hold your attention on one thing to achieve this empty mindstate. Practice emptying your mind for a few weeks at anytime you wish. For example, if you want to get dressed hold your mind still and just get dressed without even thinking about it or what you are doing or about anything. It gets easier with practice. Then you will find that when you need to do something that makes you perhaps low to medium anxious you can just hold those thoughts out of your mind. If your real good, even the highly anxious thoughts can be held back. This is great for getting much needed exposure to chip away at those anxieties and get that exposure you need.
> 
> 5. RESPONSE PREVENTION
> When you get the urge to hide away or to quickly walk away from an event or somebody, hold back and stay put. Remind yourself that you are trying to see if the things you fear will happen will actually happen. This will help keep your mind focussed on reality. EXTERNAL FOCUS works great here. Realization of why you are doing this will help you out with staying put.
> 
> 6. COGNITIVE FLOODING
> Try to imagine yourself in a social situation that would provoke anxiety. Self-hypnosis and trance meditation are good ways to help you enhance imagination. This technique will help you confront your fears without facing the real thing. This all works because most of social anxiety is rooted in imagination. When you get anxiety while imagining just go with it. It will eventually burn itself out - just like FLOODING. Repeat this until no more anxiety is felt. Now hopefully when you do the same thing in the real world the anxiety will have also disappeared. Lucid dreaming the situation I found is a good way to get a full sensory experience. Just try to keep your mind alert while you let your body fall asleep. If you practice EXTERNAL FOCUS this will help you out to achieve this mind awake/body asleep state. Then you will just slip into a dream fully lucid. And while you are waiting for the dream to occur you can create the environment you want to be in. This lucid dreaming approach works better after sleeping for 5 - 6 hours.
> 
> This technique is perhaps the next best thing to real life exposure in helping out social anxiety. If you are not feeling genuine social axniety during the imagined scenario then the technique will probably not work.
> 
> 7. IMAGE SUBSTITUTION
> If you are thinking about doing something but all you keep seeing is people being judgemental or being told off, replace the negative image with a more positive one. An example may be one of the people looking pleased to see you or being friendly with you. Keep doing this until the negative image no longer appears or has begun to dissipate. This works better when you are mentally and physically relaxed.
> 
> I had to learn to accept that rejection and criticism was an inevitable part of social interaction - particularly the dating scene. I had to drop the assumption and expectation that everyone everywhere MUST except me no matter what. Reducing the impact that rejection has worked far better than trying to control other people through trying to behave how I thought they wanted me to behave - like just avoiding them.
> 
> 8. MEMORY RESCRIPTING
> If you are haunted be past memories of rejection and humiliation or being uncared for then imagine the painful scenario as vividly as possible. Try to get the original feels to occur. Then imagine you are someone else, someone powerful and enter the scene. Talk back to the people mistreating the "you" in the scence. Tell them off and point out the wrong they are doing and that they are being unfair. At this point, I would feel lilke crying or felt really special because someone was standing up for me. Anyway, then comfort and nurture the "you" and explain the reason they were doing that was to try and cause hurt. If you were bullied or had parents who were critical or punitive or uncaring then this can really work by repairing the damaged child within you. Another way of trying to rescript memory is to get yourself into a good mood then recall the painful memory or experience. This should help rewrite the memory so that it is associated with a good mood. But in any case, the emotional memeory of an event is the vital part that needs to be changed.
> 
> When the powerful figure confronts the tormentor you can try to forgive the person. I found forgiveness helps the healing process far better than anger and hatred.


Excellent post with a lot of 👍 great suggestions. Thanks!
Chuck.


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