# Settling



## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Do you feel that because of your S.A. you have to settle for whoever wants you?


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

Yes. I've rejected some girls because i didn't want them (or maybe i did but i'm not sure)


I start to realise i'm not social enough to meet alot of girls and pick the right one (my dream girl or something). So the next one that comes along and likes me i will probably start something with even if i'm not crazy about her.


----------



## BMSMA1A2B3 (Apr 7, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> Do you feel that because of your S.A. you have to settle for whoever wants you?


Most of us settle, sooner or later.


----------



## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Yes, I can't afford to be picky. I have to take whatever comes.


----------



## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Well at least I know I'm not alone.


----------



## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I don't think I would, because I don't feel comfortable enough to date anyone. Anxiety issues aside, I probably would.


----------



## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

That's crossed my mind before. I am still pretty young, so I think I can afford to be picky for a little while longer. Even if I'm over 40, I would rather be alone than settle for a guy who says he loves me, but gets drunk and beats me every week.


----------



## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

I agree. My past nonchalant attitude toward women was naive, to say the least.

i still have standards, but they're laxer


----------



## GTI79 (Feb 2, 2004)

yeap


----------



## KimberlyK (Nov 11, 2004)

pixiedust said:


> Do you feel that because of your S.A. you have to settle for whoever wants you?


I'm sure that's what happened to me. When I think of some of the stuff my husband has to deal with because of my SA and depression I can't imagine anyone else putting up with me.


----------



## Kardax (Dec 29, 2004)

No!

There are some lines I will _never_ cross. If my principles cause me to die a lonely virgin, so be it.

-Ryan


----------



## workman (Mar 5, 2004)

I don't think you have to. I guess if you set unrealistic standards and don't realize everyone has flaws, then you'll have to settle, but that is your own fault.


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

as far as i am concerned, if you 'SETTLE' for someone, you are not being fair to yourself, or the other person. love is something that SHOULD be shared equally. if my way of thinking leaves me lonely for the rest of my life so be it! i will never sell myself short, and i wouldn't do it to someone else. the other person deserves someone who is crazy about them just as much as i think i am. jumping into a relationship with someone just because they're there takes away the other person's chance to find someone 'perfect' too. loneliness sucks, but destroying someone else's(or your own) chances at true love is even worse......and what if the special person DOES enter your life after you've 'settled' on someone else. then what? do you break up for something better? do you stay with the person you aren't crazy about? think about all of this before you jump into a relationship JUST BECAUSE!


----------



## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

workman said:


> I guess if you set unrealistic standards and don't realize everyone has flaws, then you'll have to settle, but that is your own fault.


 :agree


----------



## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

whiteclouds said:


> Even if I'm over 40, I would rather be alone than settle for a guy who says he loves me, but gets drunk and beats me every week.


I agree. I am over 40, and even though I never been in a relationship in my life - in fact, never even had 1 a date - I would not settle for someone for the purpose of just "having" someone. I basically have been isolated and alone my entire life (which, of course, is due to my SA) that being and living alone is just normal for me. In a way, I am desperate to get in a relationship, but if I have to settle for someone just for the sake of getting into a relationship then I will never do that. I will never get that desperate.

If I ever get into a relationship & get married, it will not be because I "settled" for someone who I have no real feelings for. Any long term relationship I get into will be with someone I _want _ to be with, not someone I am just "settling" for.

However, being 41 and not having a lot going for me such as money, a profession, a big-time extroverted personality... well, let's just say, whether my SA is completely behind me or not, my chances of getting into any kind of relationship just dwindles year by year.

Lifetimer


----------



## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

@ jerzeyb: Love it's a myth, and the more i go on the more the mere idea grates on my nerves. 

You do have a point in that it's not fair to lead somebody on, though for all intended purposes if you are 'settling' on somebody chances are they would be 'settling' on somebody else if a better option didn't present itself, mainly, you. 

At the same time, why does every single relationship has to carry the assumption you have to find your ultimate soul mate, never to part for the rest of eternity? 

I'm sorry, but at this point i don't want to find 'true love', whatever the hell that may be, i just want to have fun, live life a little, what's wrong with that? Why can't two people simply be tigether and just go with the flow, without worrying about if they want to spend the rest of their lives with that person? 

It's like every time i wish to ask a girl out i need to prove i'm better then every single guy out there. Well, i can't do that, how could i ever hope to compete? 

And yet, if a girl doesn't out right reject me, what's wrong with wanting to spend some time together? If it doesn't work out in the long run, big deal. 

Perhaps if people were a little more liberal and didn't have to look out for 'the one' in every person they encounter, those of us who are not as competitive may not have to question the validity of our own existence after spending every single waking moment of our lives by ourselves...


----------



## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

It seems hard to tell whether or not this is true


----------



## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

^ I used to long for love as well, but years of constant suffering and torment (and SA it's only a part of that) have managed to trump that expectation from it's pedestal. 

Frankly, i don't want to find somebody to marry. I'm scared, unprepared, simply not ready for such a big commitment, which is a big problem for me as that's what most people in my age level are looking for. 

I just want to experience the childhood i never had, and that special, carefree 
love that so many cherish as the happiest days of their lives...


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I don't know if it feels right that I should "settle"-that implies I deserve to have standards. I'm not really sure if that's cool-someone with nothing to offer should consider everyone equally, right?


----------



## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

^ i have nothing to offer in the sense i have nothing that would appeal to an average, modern day extrovert female. 

I have other qualities of my own, of which i'm very proud of, but that are usually ignored by girls. 

Nevertheless, i do have standards, very high standards at that, and i'm worth every single one of them if only you could go past the SA... :b


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

in response to Lyric Suite: 
what each person considers love, true love, a soulmate, whatever the case. it is different for everyone. the whole purpose of what i wrote was my opinion on the subject at hand. as far as i am concerned 'settling' is one of the main reasons there is so much divorce, infidelity, and just plain abuse(physical, emotional, or mental) in relationships. i think settling will eventually lead to some form of resentment towards the other person. think of it like working a job you HATE. you show up everyday, you put in your hours, and collect your paycheck, but in the end, you are left wanting something more. sure bills need to be paid, and responsiblities have to be taken care of, but in the end, you'll never perform to your fullest potential. as for the belief that there can only be ONE true love for each of us....at no point did i ever make that claim. it is quite conceivable that within, the over 5 billion people on this planet, there could literally be thousands of others one can connect with. as far as what i consider 'crazy' about someone....what this means to me could be completely different for you. 'crazy' about a woman for me, would include a mutual respect for the other persons thoughts and beliefs, some common interests, and as shallow as it may sound a physical attraction. i have met many people who fit this 'perfect' criteria. for various reasons things did not work out in with the storybook ending. i was not led on and i am very thankful for it. on the other hand, yes, i have rejected someone because i did not feel for them what they felt for me. they have since moved on and are in a happy stable relationship. i am proud that i never held them back from something that has worked out so positively for them. 
no one knows for sure what the future holds for them, but if you currently KNOW your present situation is NOT where you want to be, then you are hurting yourself and the other person. settling because you are lonely will help you feel lonely with someone else. it will still feel like S***!

And yet, if a girl doesn't out right reject me, what's wrong with wanting to spend some time together? 
there is nothing at all wrong with that. i am still friends with many people(ok two) who have rejected me on a romantic level, and the one person i rejected...we still get along quite well, as we have some close common friends. i just think that if the case is you are not 'connecting' with them on a romantic level, be honest about it. there is nothing wrong with being 'JUST FRIENDS'!


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

jerzeyb said:


> hort, and i wouldn't do it to someone else. the other person deserves someone who is crazy about them just as much as i think i am. jumping into a relationship with someone just because they're there takes away the other person's chance to find someone 'perfect' too.nship !


Most people don't find someone perfect or someone they love "of all their heart" or something. They find someone they function with and can talk to.

I thought we talked about someone you like but are not madly in love with. Not people that beat you or someone you don't like at all. ..........


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

Carbon Breather said:


> jerzeyb said:
> 
> 
> > hort, and i wouldn't do it to someone else. the other person deserves someone who is crazy about them just as much as i think i am. jumping into a relationship with someone just because they're there takes away the other person's chance to find someone 'perfect' too.nship !
> ...


and that too me is not enough to jump into a relationship!

[/quote]I thought we talked about someone you like but are not madly in love with. Not people that beat you or someone you don't like at all. ..........[/quote]

i was being extreme to make a point. i am not saying that this is positivley going to happen, or is currently happening.....it was stated to make a point of how we can become resentful towards another person. does it mean there will be any type of violent act? of course not! i just think people will eventually take their unhappiness out on those closest to them. it does not mean that any physical, emotional, or mental harm will come to someone in this situation. i just think: if you are unhappy alone, and you put yourself in a position to be unhappy with someone else, you will still be unhappy.

and i am sure there are people in abusive relationships, because they think that is the best they deserve and it's better than being alone.


----------



## ShesKrayZ (May 9, 2006)

There seems to be a lot of talk these days about relationships but everyone seems more confused. I think there are as many different kinds of relationships as there are pairs of people. 

Just a theory but the problem might be so many topics seem to be taboo, couples can't just say this is how I feel, this is what I want, these are the points that are negotiable, these are the ones that aren't. 

For example:
Female: I want to get married and have a baby in the next two years.
Male: AHHG! *while running out of the room*

Male: I just want to have lots of hot sex and never see you again.
Female: AHHG! *while running out of the room*

Neither is going to get what they want because the topics are off limits. They have to guess at which person might actually want the same thing. No one is supposed to admit to wanting to get married and have children and no one is supposed to admit to wanting only sex and everyone is just supposed to know that and avoid anyone who slips up like that. That's where the head games come from. People trying to get what they want without being able to admit what they want. It's a stupid game everyone is supposed to know and to play. Maybe that's why people "settle" because they can't or won't play the game. 

Anyway, it's just a theory and I haven't thought it all the way through...


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

jerzeyb said:


> and that too me is not enough to jump into a relationship!
> 
> .


If i met a cute girl with a great personality and she was interested i wouldn't say no because i will probably never get a better chance. 
Maybe i should love her but i'm not sure i can feel love for a real person. I've only felt that for pretty girls when i've made up their personality. In real life i've never felt anything that people describe as love.

And to be honest. If everyone here have your standards 90% will probably never meet someone. Maybe you will struggle to find the right one but i know i and many more here never will.

I want a partner. I don't think i could spend my whole life alone when my friends are having children and move together with their GFs.


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

ShesKrayZ said:


> There seems to be a lot of talk these days about relationships but everyone seems more confused. I think there are as many different kinds of relationships as there are pairs of people.
> 
> Just a theory but the problem might be so many topics seem to be taboo, couples can't just say this is how I feel, this is what I want, these are the points that are negotiable, these are the ones that aren't.
> 
> ...


very well said! i think you are right, if more people were open and honest with what they wanted in a relationship(from the very begining), things may not end up so drawn out and painful. i just think if you can't/won't be able to be what the other person is looking for and/or vice-versa, the future may be very rocky.


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

ShesKrayZ said:


> People trying to get what they want without being able to admit what they want. It's a stupid game everyone is supposed to know and to play.


Not all people. My friend has this "GF" that he only wants to have sex with and he told her that from the beginning. She wants more but i know there will never be anything more than that but she keeps coming back.

I think you can tell how serious it is after you've met a couple of times and if not you should talk about it.


----------



## ShesKrayZ (May 9, 2006)

> My friend has this "GF" that he only wants to have sex with and he told her that from the beginning. She wants more but i know there will never be anything more than that but she keeps coming back.


Then he is using her. That's abusive.


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

ShesKrayZ said:


> > My friend has this "GF" that he only wants to have sex with and he told her that from the beginning. She wants more but i know there will never be anything more than that but she keeps coming back.
> 
> 
> Then he is using her. That's abusive.


Ehh.... No

She wants sex also. She sends him "dirty sms" pretty often.....

but she wants sex + relationship he only wants sex and she knows that.


----------



## ShesKrayZ (May 9, 2006)

But if HE knows she wants the relationship also and with HIM, then he also knows that she is trying to win him by giving him what he wants and he knows that isn't going to work. I'm sure she does want sex too but if she's having sex with someone that she wants to have a relationship with, it's going to damage her emotionally when she has to face the truth that as he sees it she's good enough to be used as a f--- doll but not good enough to be his girlfriend, not good enough for him to love her. He needs to stop that.


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

Yeah. I agree. But these are the type of guys girls often fall for. There are so many nice single guys out there but its like many girls want a challenge.


----------



## fraidycat (Oct 29, 2004)

That is so degrading. Everytime i hear generalizations like "girls like jerks, they like to be treated w/disrespect, it's a challenge etc etc" it makes me wonder just how little the opposite gender thinks of us. First, all of those statements are generalizations. They might work for some and they might not for others. It depends on the two people involved in the relationship, does it not? I guarantee a lot of us subconsciously pick up certain "examples" to fuel our negative beliefs. There are tons of "nice" guys in happy relationships but for some that isn't as noticeable as the dick that treats his girl like dirt. 

To answer the original post...i have and agree w/jerseyb that in the long run settling for someone doesn't make you any less lonely and ultimately it's not fair for you or the person you're involved with. I'm not one for needing to always find the one, my soulmate, or whatever but the next guy I end up with I need to completely lose my senses for, if only for a week =P b/c i've been sorely missing that from the relationship i've "settled" into for 7 years.


----------



## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

If I ever find someone who can put up with me, I have to settle, because it will probably be my only chance in life.


----------



## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

fraidycat said:


> First, all of those statements are generalizations.


Actually, those statements are scientifically proven. Women are attracted to assertive guys (who are often jerks) because strong assertive males have stronger DNA and their off springs are more liable to survive.

In that sense women are 'wired' to fall for as many strong men as they can to increase chance of fertilization, and in turn, assertive men are out there to have as much sex as they can.

Nice guys are there to stay home and help support the female in a sub-ordinate role and tend to children she had from a stronger male. Women are not attracted to nice guys and will not have sex with them (willingly), but generally speaking, nice guys is whom they wish to be with (marry), just as they go out to have sex with stronger males.

So, in short, it works like this. Alpha males impregnate, hunt and protect. Beta males stay home as a support for the tribe. I think there might be a third cathegory who's supposed to be 'brain' of the group, though i suspect they are still related to beta-males.

Women?, well, they breed, and nurture.

Now, this stuff makes little sense in our modern world, but clever little self aware critters that we are, we rationalize a way to work around those basic instincts just as we follow them unwittingly.

In the case of women, what happens is that since modern society and our currently moral system doesn't allow them to be with the nice guy whilst they go out to have sex with the alpha male, they marry the alpha male instead and try to turn him into a nice guy, or at least achieve some sort of middle ground where their partner is nice enough to support and not cheat on them whilst still being the same alpha male they require for their emotional and physical pleasure. Very often it backfires (sometimes to dire consequences), but women are willing to try until they find a reasonable compromise and stick with it.

Occasionally, they will try to opposite route, that is, pick a nice guy and try to turn him into an alpha male, but it doesn't happen often, as i suppose the initial attraction will be very weak and thus it requires very special circumnstances to make a woman follow this path.

Of course, we are a very complex (and imperfect) species and there are an infinite number of variables to consider, but this is the basic lay out and everything else it's just a deviation.


----------



## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

ShesKrayZ said:


> Neither is going to get what they want because the topics are off limits. They have to guess at which person might actually want the same thing. No one is supposed to admit to wanting to get married and have children and no one is supposed to admit to wanting only sex and everyone is just supposed to know that and avoid anyone who slips up like that. That's where the head games come from. People trying to get what they want without being able to admit what they want. It's a stupid game everyone is supposed to know and to play. Maybe that's why people "settle" because they can't or won't play the game.
> 
> Anyway, it's just a theory and I haven't thought it all the way through...


That's a great point. A lot of times I feel like it is all a twisted, endless game. I'm glad you wrote that because I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought about those things.


----------



## cakesniffer (Nov 11, 2003)

I might have to, since there is no line to get to me and never has been. No chance to be picky.


----------



## omgnoudidnt (Jan 8, 2005)

There's a fat chance that anyone will ever get that close to me. If anyone ever does get that close, then obviously I like them enough to let them in. I don't consider that settling. So no, I wouldn't settle.


----------



## VoxPop (Nov 9, 2003)

I think most people would rather be alone than be with someone who had "settled" for them out of desperation or low self-esteem. I don't know how you can "settle" for someone and love them at the same time. People settle for a sedan rather than a sports car, or a smaller home rather than a bigger one. But I can't see "settling" for a relationship leading to anything but misery for both people involved.


It seems that most feel that you MUST have someone in order to be happy, yet so many singles don't seem to want to be in a relationship and don't think of themselves as deprived, I can even think of posts here at SAS in which some people made it clear they're not interested in having a relationship.


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

fraidycat said:


> That is so degrading. Everytime i hear generalizations like "girls like jerks, they like to be treated w/disrespect, it's a challenge etc etc" it makes me wonder just how little the opposite gender thinks of us. First, all of those statements are generalizations. They might work for some and they might not for others. It depends on the two people involved in the relationship, does it not? I guarantee a lot of us subconsciously pick up certain "examples" to fuel our negative beliefs. There are tons of "nice" guys in happy relationships but for some that isn't as noticeable as the dick that treats his girl like dirt.


The girl i'm talking about is a nice girl and not some bimbo. If i just generalize then i wonder where the other girls are. Well some are here obviously but in real life there are not many of them.

I know quiet alot of people and the ones that are the loudest, drink most and talk about other people are the ones that have girls attracted to them (i wouldn't call them jerks though). The more calm and quiet ones have no girl contacts what so ever.


----------



## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

Well, I guess I couldn't possibly settle since I don't have any standards. I just don't seem to come up to _anyone else's_ standards. That's okay though, since I'm pretty much a loner who enjoys being alone. I can't see myself ever being married.


----------



## ShesKrayZ (May 9, 2006)

Lyric Suite said:


> fraidycat said:
> 
> 
> > First, all of those statements are generalizations.
> ...


Anytime you make a statement that starts with "Women are..." or "Men are..." it's still a generalization. I know that I watched a show about research trying to prove or disprove gender stereotypes but what it actually showed was 60% of females act in a way that is a stereotype of females and 60% of males act in a way that is a stereotype of males. That means 40% of people, male and female, don't react in ways supposedly typical of their gender. While it's less than half, it's still too big of a number to consider all of them to be deviant.


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

Lyric Suite said:


> ^ i have nothing to offer in the sense i have nothing that would appeal to an average, modern day extrovert female.
> 
> I have other qualities of my own, of which i'm very proud of, but that are usually ignored by girls.


This is more what I was getting at..although my good qualities tend to hide during periods of heavy anxiety. I don't put the blame on the girls, though-I probably wouldn't be attracted to me either.


----------



## fraidycat (Oct 29, 2004)

I would like to see your sources for some of this especially:

Nice guys are there to stay home and help support the female in a sub-ordinate role and tend to children she had from a stronger male. 

Women are not attracted to nice guys and will not have sex with them (willingly), but generally speaking, nice guys is whom they wish to be with (marry), just as they go out to have sex with stronger males.

So, in short, it works like this. Alpha males impregnate, hunt and protect. Beta males stay home as a support for the tribe. 

Women?, well, they breed, and nurture. 

Was this in national geographic 8300 BC? While it's true that as animals we instinctively notice, if not seek out those that can provide and produce for us, as animals with opposable thumbs, we have free will and are more likely influenced by our cultural ideals, personal experience and values when it comes to dating. Come on you know this...don't let the whole alpha/beta culture (and I'm not saying it doesn't exist to an extent) affect the way you think and especially see and treat women


----------



## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

Lyric Suite said:


> Women?, well, they breed, and nurture.


No, many have them as status symbols or their future caretakers. And others just have them to beat up.


----------



## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Wow, did this turn into an uplifting thread. Someone should move it to "Positive thinking" or "just for fun".

Anyway, there are two kinds of "settling". I think the first should rightly be called "adjusting to reality". I won't touch the alpha male/jerk/impregnator/ vs beta male/nice guy/caretaker debate. I will say that before we put a lot of thought into it, most of us would orefer the person that catches our eye the most. The boy or girl who goes to a new school and has everybody talking about them. The man or woman who gets the same reaction at a new job. People seem to melt in theior presence.

Since those people are by definition about 2-3% of the population and they tend to be attracted to people equally attractive, the rest of us have to "settle". We all learn, maybe subconsciously, to "see" ordinary looking people who we like as more attractive than others would rate them. There have been women who really, truely want to have sex with me. That proves my point. That kind of settling, if we don't overthink it, is healthy and adaptive.

Settling for people you don't like out of desparation is a huge mistake. People you have no spark for, or worse yet, who treat you badly. There's nothing healthy about that kind of settling. I lived in that kind of relationship for about 20 yrs. Thats 10,512,000 minutes I'll never get back. That huge.


----------



## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

As badly as I want to be with someone, I would never settle for just anyone either. I would rather be alone than be trapped in a relationship with someone I'm not happy with.


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I would settle, really, but I'd have difficulty being interested enough in someone I'm not attracted to. It's awful, but it'd be a waste of time forcing myself to be attracted to her. I hate saying it, but I find people just as attractive or unattractive as a more attractive guy would.

As for someone who isn't nice, she wouldn't be with me anyway, as there's really nothing in it for her. No potential status.


----------



## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

I’ve dated some really beautiful women and although the sex was great and I’d walked around with a perpetual smile on my face, and every time we’d go out it was exciting because I knew at the end of the evening we’d be in bed together, there was a downside to it. There’s the jealousy factor when you’re dating a beautiful woman. When you go to a restaurant, the waiters flirt with your date. Everywhere you go, guys hit on her. I’d always be watching her reaction. A beautiful woman can become an obsession.

Then there were some women who seemed the ideal woman for me -- attractive, but in a natural, wholesome way. I used to have a thing for the artsy type and women who were into nature. Those relationships all seemed to deteriorate when my social ineptitude surfaced -- usually the first time she would introduce me to her friends or family. My insomnia didn’t help matters any.

I met my wife a few years ago when my life was really in the toilet. She was probably the nicest person I had ever met and I needed that in my life. And I needed someone to be nice to. Sex is decent with her, although I can’t really say it’s a hot steamy relationship. But she has given me something I’ve never really felt before – the feeling that I belong to a family. That’s a good feeling. Holidays are something special now. I spent a lot of holidays and birthdays alone before we got together. There are some things that bother me about her but there are enough things that I like about her to make the relationship work.

So, have I settled? In some ways, I suppose. But for someone to be in a relationship with me, she has to settle also.


----------



## omgnoudidnt (Jan 8, 2005)

the_bull said:


> I've dated some really beautiful women and although the sex was great and I'd walked around with a perpetual smile on my face, and every time we'd go out it was exciting because I knew at the end of the evening we'd be in bed together, there was a downside to it. There's the jealousy factor when you're dating a beautiful woman. When you go to a restaurant, the waiters flirt with your date. Everywhere you go, guys hit on her. I'd always be watching her reaction. A beautiful woman can become an obsession.
> 
> Then there were some women who seemed the ideal woman for me -- attractive, but in a natural, wholesome way. I used to have a thing for the artsy type and women who were into nature. Those relationships all seemed to deteriorate when my social ineptitude surfaced -- usually the first time she would introduce me to her friends or family. My insomnia didn't help matters any.
> 
> ...


Well said... I'm glad you're happy! :yes


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

the_bull said:


> I've dated some really beautiful women and although the sex was great and I'd walked around with a perpetual smile on my face, and every time we'd go out it was exciting because I knew at the end of the evening we'd be in bed together, there was a downside to it. There's the jealousy factor when you're dating a beautiful woman. When you go to a restaurant, the waiters flirt with your date. Everywhere you go, guys hit on her. I'd always be watching her reaction. A beautiful woman can become an obsession.
> 
> Then there were some women who seemed the ideal woman for me -- attractive, but in a natural, wholesome way. I used to have a thing for the artsy type and women who were into nature. Those relationships all seemed to deteriorate when my social ineptitude surfaced -- usually the first time she would introduce me to her friends or family. My insomnia didn't help matters any.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't care if other people would hit on someone i was on a date with. 
It would be great to see someone else jelaous instead of me being jelaous
of all happy couples.

But i don't think many guys here can identify themselves with you. to be honest. The things mentioned is things i always wanted to do (date many women etc...) but i am to ****ed up to do it and i'll doubt i ever will .


----------



## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

Lonelyguy said:


> As badly as I want to be with someone, I would never settle for just anyone either. I would rather be alone than be trapped in a relationship with someone I'm not happy with.


Damn right!


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

the_bull said:


> I've dated some really beautiful women and although the sex was great and I'd walked around with a perpetual smile on my face, and every time we'd go out it was exciting because I knew at the end of the evening we'd be in bed together, there was a downside to it. There's the jealousy factor when you're dating a beautiful woman. When you go to a restaurant, the waiters flirt with your date. Everywhere you go, guys hit on her. I'd always be watching her reaction. A beautiful woman can become an obsession.
> 
> Then there were some women who seemed the ideal woman for me -- attractive, but in a natural, wholesome way. I used to have a thing for the artsy type and women who were into nature. Those relationships all seemed to deteriorate when my social ineptitude surfaced -- usually the first time she would introduce me to her friends or family. My insomnia didn't help matters any.
> 
> ...


That doesn't sound like settling at all. Sounds great to me. I'm more attracted to nice, natural-looking girls anyway-but chances are somebody else is, too. And it's more than likely he's a better catch then I am.


----------



## elfkin (May 9, 2006)

i dont think i could be with someone i did not love, I am not even really physically attracted to anyone unless i like them as a person first, but then I dont get to know many people at all so it could be just me imagening it.


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

Atticus said:


> Anyway, there are two kinds of "settling". I think the first should rightly be called "adjusting to reality". ... Since those people are by definition about 2-3% of the population and they tend to be attracted to people equally attractive, the rest of us have to "settle". We all learn, maybe subconsciously, to "see" ordinary looking people who we like as more attractive than others would rate them....
> 
> Settling for people you don't like out of desparation is a huge mistake. People you have no spark for, or worse yet, who treat you badly. There's nothing healthy about that kind of settling.


That's a good distinction. There's a difference between 1) "settling" in the sense of being realistic (which I don't think of as "settling" at all, really, just recognizing your limitations) and 2) "settling" for people you really don't like much (or who mistreat you) because you have low self-esteem or can't stand being alone. First good, second bad.


----------



## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Carbon Breather said:


> But i don't think many guys here can identify themselves with you. to be honest. The things mentioned is things i always wanted to do (date many women etc...) but i am to @#%$ up to do it and i'll doubt i ever will .


I guess I have dated a lot of women but have only had a few relationships that lasted longer than a few months due to the problems resulting from my SAD. You have an advantage, CB. You found out your problem is SAD at a young age and because of that, you have a good chance of overcoming it. I'm 48 and didn't find out until about six years ago.


----------



## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

pixiedust said:


> Do you feel that because of your S.A. you have to settle for whoever wants you?


I'm willing to settle to some degree, but I'm only willing to go so far. My brother has a 400 pound wife who does nothing except spend all his money and who refuses to live with him. I think I'd much prefer having no partner, rather than a lady like that.

Having nothing is bad. Having a ton of garbage is even worse.


----------



## guy_in_maroon (Jan 23, 2006)

A more interesting question:

Would you rather be with someone who you can be yourself with (i.e. have SA go away) but not very attracted to, or with someone you are attracted to (whatever measure you want to use) but not comfortable with?

Most people would probably say neither, but if you had to pick one, which would it be? And would you consider either or both "settling"?


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

guy_in_maroon said:


> A more interesting question:
> 
> Would you rather be with someone who you can be yourself with (i.e. have SA go away) but not very attracted to, or with someone you are attracted to (whatever measure you want to use) but not comfortable with?
> 
> Most people would probably say neither, but if you had to pick one, which would it be? And would you consider either or both "settling"?


That's what i thought this thread was about, not about being with someone you hate or beats you.

I've had the chance with girls that were ok (pretty nice and ok looking) but i was not really attracted. I chickened out as usual but if the chance comes again i don't know what to do.


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

guy_in_maroon said:


> A more interesting question:
> 
> Would you rather be with someone who you can be yourself with (i.e. have SA go away) but not very attracted to, or with someone you are attracted to (whatever measure you want to use) but not comfortable with?
> 
> Most people would probably say neither, but if you had to pick one, which would it be? And would you consider either or both "settling"?


I'd probably pick the second one. You said "whatever measure you want to use" for attraction, so I assume we can expand that to include all kinds of attraction besides physical. If that's the case, then I'd pick the second one. I don't mind a little discomfort, if I'm with someone I really like and am attracted to (in the broadest sense of the word). What's a relationship without a little discomfort and anxiety anyhow? I'd much rather have that, than the alternative (being with someone I'm not attracted to (again, in the broad sense), even though I'm relaxed around them. I'm relaxed around a lot of people, simply because I don't care what they think, or I don't respect them -- not my idea of an ideal partner.


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

i have made a few posts on this issue and i would like to clear up what i consider 'settling'. i have made comments about possible issues of resentment and abuse, but that is not all of what i think is wrong with settling(and even then I DO NOT THINK that these things would come to the forefront in all/many cases). these were just issues that came to mind when i thought of people in less than happy relationships relationships, and stated in a 'what if?' fashion. i, myself have been in an unhappy relationship, and i have witnessed it in some friends too. what it all boiled down to, they(and i) had stayed in the relationship just for the secure feeling of being with someone. aside from a whole lot of pain, the only thing gained was a VERY HARD LESSON LEARNED! with all of that said. in my mind, settling(as far as a relationship goes) is being with someone just because there is nothing better to do. being with someone just so you don't have to be alone. being with someone because you fear being alone is worse than being with someone you don't fully care about. in my eyes the whole point of a relationship is to have someone to SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH and vice versa. it does not mean you'll completely agree with them in all cases and share all of your common views, but there has to be more than JUST CONVENIENCE! to make any relationship work, there has to be some common building blocks to build upon. there does not have to be a 100% perfect match, nor do i think it is ALWAYS(if ever) possible. 

now, i am not saying that we should all hold out for that DREAM girl/guy(i many cases what we dream to be perfection is nothing more than a skewed sense of reality). I AM SAYING: we should be holding out for someone who deserves and wants to share what we have to offer. you could find the most physically beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, but if their personality is sh**, i don't think you'd have much of a hope of a happy relationship. on the flip side...you could find someone who possesses every personality trait you are compatible with, but if the mere sight of them repulses you...again, good luck with all that. 

settling is being with someone you don't really want to be with. 

as far as settling because of your SA.....imagine you didn't have SA. imagine you were more social, and outgoing. imagine talking to others was easy and meeting new people was not stressful. then one day you met someone, but this person was uninteresting or unattractive(to you-beauty is different for everyone), and was the complete opposite of what you're looking for. would you date them? i doubt it! why should we let our SA change what we want. i would still want the same thing with or without SA. having SA is tough(i am sure we all KNOW THIS), but i am trying to get better. i am trying to push my boundaries. i am looking to improve on my self confidence. SA is not going to beat me and ruin my entire life. the day will come when i feel free to be myself in ALL(well most) situations. when that day comes i am not willing to just share it with the just anyone. there has to be something more for me than just the presence of another person in my life. 

i have 4 friends. this is by choice. these are people i have allowed into my life. i respect them, i share some common interests, i love them dearly, and they are all very different-none of them even know each other personally. it is what we all bring to the relationship that makes our friendship priceless. if i am going to add romance/sex/living together/raising a family, etc. it is going to get even more complicated, but i refuse to accept just ANYONE who comes along. 

LONELINESS SUCKS, but it WILL NOT BE my only driving force in finding someone to share my life with. finding someone to make you happy is wrong. finding someone to share in your happiness is RIGHT! i think when we find out what makes us happy, and embrace it, it will be much easier for us to find someone. if you are willing to be with someone you really don't want to be with, you are NOT HAPPY, and that is the issue that needs to be taken care of before you go diving into a relationship.


----------



## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

jerzeyb said:


> as far as settling because of your SA.....imagine you didn't have SA. imagine you were more social, and outgoing. imagine talking to others was easy and meeting new people was not stressful. then one day you met someone, but this person was uninteresting or unattractive(to you-beauty is different for everyone), and was the complete opposite of what you're looking for. would you date them? i doubt it! why should we let our SA change what we want. i would still want the same thing with or without SA.
> 
> .


If you're social you meet alot of people and you can pick the best one. If you're not you will probably never have that opportunity so if you wait for that special one you will have to wait forever.


----------



## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Carbon Breather said:


> If you're social you meet alot of people and you can pick the best one. If you're not you will probably never have that opportunity so if you wait for that special one you will have to wait forever.


Pretty much my thoughts


----------



## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

isn't the purpose of this forum to help us learn to deal with our anxiety? as i stated at the end of my long rant. we need to find the happiness in ourselves before we go jumping into a relationship. until we are all ready to fully explore, then share ourselves with others, we are doomed as far as all relationships are concerned. yes being more social WILL help you search out the right person. you're correct. therefore settling or not in a relationship is not what the main problem is. is it? the main problem is learning to cope with our anxiety. if you do not grow as a person(this includes me, i am not attacking any one directly) how will you ever expect to grow with someone else. NO PERSON IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! YOU NEED TO FIND IT WITHIN YOURSELF! then when you find that person, they can enhance it. we all need to find a way to stop hiding behind SA! if you always hide behind your fears you will never find what you are looking for. i am not here to share misery. i am here to learn from others, and find a way to beat my SA. i, like all humans, am filled with flaws. i am far from perfect. learning to control my SA HAS TO BE THE FIRST STEP IN FINDING HAPPINESS!


----------



## Demerzel (Nov 13, 2003)

Depends on how rich she is. :lol j/k


----------



## omgnoudidnt (Jan 8, 2005)

:lol


----------

