# Went to a birthday party yesterday... (long)



## DarkComeSoon (Jul 2, 2011)

I was kind of fighting with myself whether to post this in the Triumphs or the Frustration section, because I feel kind of depressed right now, but I guess I'm kind of happy about how yesterday worked out.

So, I went to a friend's birthday party yesterday, despite being terribly anxious beforehand because I knew there were going to be some people there that I didn't knew.
Anyway, I felt really uncomfortable at first and basically didn't say a word the first two and a half hours when we were at my friend's appartment. I drank a couple of beers but that didn't make me any more social, I think, it just helped calm me down a little bit.

Well, after midnight, we went to a club because she (the friend who was celebrating her birthday) likes these sort of settings - I hate clubs and discos because of the music and because I hate dancing and everything. But I decided to tag along anyway because I was slightly hopeful that I could come out of my shell a little more.
And that's exactly what happened. I mean, on the dancefloor, there's not much talking because, well, the music is way too loud. But I was able to talk relatively freely to a guy who was a birthday guest also (granted, he was very drunk) and to a girl outside of the club. I wasn't drunk, maybe just a little buzzed (not sure if this is the right word), so that was kind of a success for me.

But the best part was this other girl who was also a party guest. I met her once before but I didn't know her that well. Anyway, she really seemed to appreciate my company, smiling at me several times, "comforting" me when some tall, bald jackass behaved in a condescending manner towards me, and touching my arm twice while leading me away when  the group moved somewhere else on the dance floor. Plus, when she left early because she was tired she asked for my last name and we talked about our dislike of our respective last names lol. And before she left she said "I hope you'll be there the next time around." (in German obviously) and I said something along the lines of "Yeah, I hope so, too."

I'm sure she wasn't flirting, because she has a boyfriend (I think) and she's like five years older than me. Plus, my self-esteem concerning my looks is really low most of the time - I think I'm fairly unattractive - so my head tells me there's no way a girl would ever flirt with me (let alone an attractive one like the one yesterday).
The thing is, I'm not used to this kind of attention (or any kind of attention for that matter), especially not from girls, so I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what it meant. Like I said, I'm fairly certain she wasn't flirting with me, so I guess she was just being friendly or something, but I keep overthinking this and I'm not sure what was going on there. Maybe I'm not so undesirable as I think but in general, I get the impression that people don't really like me. Maybe I was coming across differently yesterday, I don't know. I'm seriously overanalyzing everything, that's kind of my thing.

And today, the day after, I'm feeling kind of depressed and actually a little bit panicky as I'm writing this. I have no idea why. Earlier today, I got really angry because I realized how much I hate SA and how it interferes with my life. This might sound kind of ironic, considering how I just wrote a fairly positive expericence and intend to post it in the "Triumphs over Social Anxiety" section. Maybe I'm frustrated because this experience is kind of unprecedented for me and otherwise I'm having such a hard time in social situations and I think that I could never get a girlfriend or anything. That's why I considered posting it in the frustration section. Right now, I'm kind of emotional and really confused. I don't know what's going on.
Anybody else experience this kind of change of emotions and the general uncertainness of what you're feeling and why you're feeling it?

Well, this has gotten really long (after typing and retyping it) and just a weird sort of rant. I need to calm down a little bit. I'm absolutely sure I'll regret what I've written what with being emotional right now and everything, but I think I just needed to get everything out because I have no one to talk to about this stuff. Thank you for reading to those who have read it. I hope this makes sense.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Well done you shouldn't beat yourself up. You showed up despite your anxiety. And the girl definitely like you all the signs were there. Once you get to know your friends social circle your anxiety will go down more it takes time so keep go to those outings and initiate meet ups as well.


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## AudreyT (Oct 12, 2011)

*Maybe she felt 'sorry' (not literally, I just don't know what word to use) for you?*

Maybe she a nice person sensed that you were feeling left out, so she wanted you to feel like you're a part of the group.


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## DarkComeSoon (Jul 2, 2011)

@ Lautgedacht: Thanks. I know it was a success, considering I did well despite my anxiety, in the second part of the night anyway. I'll definitely try and go to more of these get-togethers.

@ AudreyT: I guess you could be right there. I'm just having difficulties figuring these sort of 'signs' out, because, as I've written, I don't have any experience with this. But she seems like the kind of person who would feel "sorry" for me and try to make me feel included.

Thanks for the answers, you two.


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