# I guess I've been given a break...



## beehive (Oct 20, 2005)

My uncle, who I haven't seen in 10 years, just dropped by. He asked me if I was still at university, I said I'd finished, (I dropped out because my SA got really bad, but I obviously didn't say that). He then asked the inevitable, "What are you doing now?" and I bluffed the answer, "Oh, looking for work, you know." I acted as if I'd just graduated.

He then asked me what I'd studied, it's been so long I've forgotten, so I blurted out English and Media studies, (it was English and Multimedia - I was close). He then pondered for a while and then suddenly asked me if I wanted to work in radio. I nodded and said yes, (I was being polite), he then went on to say he could get me a job.

I now have to appear at some radio station on Thursday at 7pm to shadow a presenter. I'm shocked and f!cking terrified.

How has this happened! Isn't life weird, even when you do nothing it throws you a curve ball.

I have to go, my mum was there, (she's so excited for me), and plus what possible excuse could I give? Anyway, I'd kick myself if I didn't give it a try. I haven't worked in about 4 years now but I'm going to give it my best shot.

During this whole conversation I was slightly shaking, thankfully I was having dinner at the time so I could distract myself by eating. My anxiety levels have risen by about 25%, as I sit here and type my body is feeling very tense.

I'm trying to continue my positive thoughts. For the past week I've been telling myself to appreciate things more. I'm as nervous as f!ck, but I'm really going to go for this job! This is a chance for me and I'm determined to take it!

Wish me luck


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## moviefreak13 (Oct 22, 2005)

Good luck!!!!! :kiss


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## radudeATL (Oct 25, 2005)

Best wishes, beehive! Please keep us posted on how things go on Thursday!


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## slurpazillia (Nov 18, 2005)

Wow thats awesome!!!



Goodluck 8)


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## perfectlycalm (Nov 15, 2005)

thats great!


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## beehive (Oct 20, 2005)

Thanks for all the good wishes 

As I said I haven't worked in almost 4 years, and as my APD can get pretty bad my wardrobe only consists of clothes to laze around the house in, and the odd casual outfit to go to the local shops.

So today I went out and did a bit of shopping, (another positive step for me), because I want to make a good impression. I did get a stressed out, and I only came away with one item - it's a winter coat - but I'm really happy with it.


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## beehive (Oct 20, 2005)

Today's the day and I'm sick with nerves! I've been in a constant state of anxiety ever since I woke up. I had some diarrhoea this morning and then around midday I got the shakes and felt like vomiting. I've also had stomach aches throughout the day. I just can't stop feeling like this, it's like I'm in the midst of a never-ending anxiety attack. I guess I'm going to feel like this until I'm there.

Despite all this I *am* keeping positive, I'm determined to go. I keep telling myself about all the good points. Like that I actually got out of bed today. That may not seem like much to some, but if you've been unemployed for some time, or if you suffer really bad APD like me, you'll know what I mean.

In the past, to avoid having to deal with the possibility of going, I would have spent most of the day in bed. The anxiety would have totally consumed me and I would have crawled inside my head to escape. Well I might be a nervous wreck, but at least I'm actually in the here and now AND I'm still going. (In the past no way would I be going.)

I absolutely appreciate this opportunity that I have, I appreciate the things I have done leading up to this day and I appreciate my life as it is now - good and bad. I'm taking things a day at a time and I'm trying to enjoy what life throws at me, instead of avoiding it or letting the anxiety cripple me.

*deep breath*


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## slurpazillia (Nov 18, 2005)

hi


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## beehive (Oct 20, 2005)

We were supposed to get there at 6pm, as time went on I began to think maybe it's been called off - and knowing that I'd done everything that I could do, I started to calm down. But as soon as I got the call from my uncle, (at around 5:30pm), telling me that he was on his way, I became really anxious again.

Once he came and we left I began to settle down. The journey was strange though. My uncle started talking to me about marriage and girlfriends. At one point he talked about how sex isn't everything in a marriage. I just sat there thinking OMG.

It took ages to get there, (over 1 hour), because of traffic. I'm not use to being in cars and I hate the smell of petrol, so I got very queasy. By the time we arrived most of my nerves had gone because I was just happy to get out of the car.

We arrived late so there was only 40mins of the show left. I observed from the front, while my uncle was a guest speaker along with this other guy. After it ended the presenter, (who will be training me), outlined what I'll be doing and spoke about the station. For the most part I just sat there smiling, but I think I did okay. She was nice - quite chatty.

I'm SO excited about this! I'll be doing research, creating news packages, going to press conferences and ultimately doing some presenting myself! It's insane! I've no idea how this is going to unfold. When I came home I was in a complete daze - I still am.

One thing that did bother me was during the ride there, whilst talking to my uncle, I mentioned that I was 27. For some reason he thought I was 21/22 - that's what he told the station people - so I felt quite old and a bit of a fraud. I'm worried because people think I'm a recent graduate doing an internship, when really I'm a 27yr old drop-out taking advantage of a well meaning uncle and a misunderstanding. :lol :stu

There was also a weird moment when the other guest speaker said he'd studied at the same university as me and worked in the student admin department. He then started naming all these lecturers. I obviously had no idea who anyone was so I just bluffed my way through it. That was a really scary moment. I think this issue is going to come up again... but whatever, I don't care - 27 or 21, graduate or drop-out, I'm doing this.

Overall it went well. I also met the owner of the station and I think my uncle learnt more about my situation. When he found out I was 27 he kept saying, "Oh, that's interesting." Then later on he said he wanted to help me get out of the house more.

Anyway, I really appreciate what he's done for me. I'm happy-nervous about what will happen next, but more than anything I'm so proud of myself. SA and APD, (Avoidant Personality Disorder), have been crippling for me. There have been times when I haven't left the house for weeks. So for me to do this is a HUGE deal - part of me can't even believe I've done it.

I know I'm babbling, but all this has proved to me that I *can* get over SA. I just need to stay positive and do the best I can in any given situation. It's also shown me that the various things I've been doing are working.

Whatever happens from now, I feel alot more confident about my future.


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## slurpazillia (Nov 18, 2005)

hi


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Given that he can only guestimate your age to within a decade or so and has no clue about your life, I sense your uncle is trying to make up for his guilt at having no idea who you are.  No matter, we should all have such long-lost uncles in our hour of need. The job sounds like an interesting challenge, good luck.


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