# Age gap



## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Hey, I'm looking for thoughts/advice/experiences on dating with a significant age difference. I met a really cute guy and managed to not blow it long enough for him to ask for my number. He texted me today asking for a date and I haven't responded yet. He seems great, but he's 32 and I'm really not sure how I feel about that. So, help?


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## Raphael200 (Aug 18, 2012)

who cares as long as U like each other : )


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

I really don't think it's that simple. There are a lot of things to consider such as lifestyle differences (college kid and working independent adult) and life experience differences, and a lot more that I can imagine being a problem. 

Have you been in a relationship with a large age gap? If so how did it go, what types of things became problems and how did you work it out?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

32 year old man with a 19 year old girl, pretty creepy for sure. But if you like him then have fun. I really wouldn't worry about a relationship, he only just got your number. If that happened it would be quite a bit down the road. Cross that bridge when you come to it, I say. Typically though, a 32 year old guy would only be interested in one thing from a 19 year old.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

rymo said:


> 32 year old man with a 19 year old girl, pretty creepy for sure. But if you like him then have fun. I really wouldn't worry about a relationship, he only just got your number. If that happened it would be quite a bit down the road. Cross that bridge when you come to it, I say. Typically though, a 32 year old guy would only be interested in one thing from a 19 year old.


That's not true. He could genuinely like her.

Maybe he is inexperienced and feels more at home with younger women


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Zeeshan said:


> That's not true. He could genuinely like her.
> 
> Maybe he is inexperienced and feels more at home with younger women


Ahahahahaha! Good one man.

I kid. Sort of. But I did say "typically". This could be an outlier case, who knows.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I see nothing wrong with age gaps if it makes the couple happy. I am NOT talking about pedophilia in the sense that a grown man or woman dates a 12 year old, no. What I am talking about are two legal ADULTS who are happy together. People can think that is creepy all they want, but that is an ignorant viewpoint in my mind because not everyone is like you or desires to be like you and every person deserves to be happy with whom they want. At this point in my life if I was 32 and liked a girl who was 19 and we got along and respected each other I see nothing wrong with dating her. People assume it is creepy because they assume everyone is the same mentally, physically, spiritually with the same ideas and beliefs as them when that simply is not the case nor is it right to proclaim that upon others.

OP, if this is someone you like, do not be swayed to buy into what society thinks IF it makes you happy. Society changes so much and every society s different; they are the last ones who should be telling you what is right or wrong. All you have to do is look at history and the cultures of the world to know that.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

I guess you're right, I could just go out with him and see what happens. It does make me a bit nervous though, I'm not sure what to talk about with him on the date.

Zeeshan: I don't know enough about him to say whether he's inexperienced or anything, he wasn't very aggressive or sexual when we were talking though so maybe he is looking for more than just sex.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

bwidger85 said:


> OP, if this is someone you like, do not be swayed to buy into what society thinks IF it makes you happy. Society changes so much and every society s different; they are the last ones who should be telling you what is right or wrong. All you have to do is look at history and the cultures of the world to know that.


Thanks, but my main concern wasn't what other people would think, it's just about whether it could work at all because of the fact that we're in such different stages of our lives and have a big gap in life experiences and probably common interests.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Gwynevere said:


> I guess you're right, I could just go out with him and see what happens. It does make me a bit nervous though, I'm not sure what to talk about with him on the date.
> 
> Zeeshan: I don't know enough about him to say whether he's inexperienced or anything, he wasn't very aggressive or sexual when we were talking though so maybe he is looking for more than just sex.


A 32 year old person should have much more to say about life because he/she is experienced enough. Just because someone older wants to date you does not mean he/she just wants sex, that is yet another huge misconception.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Gwynevere said:


> Thanks, but my main concern wasn't what other people would think, it's just about whether it could work at all because of the fact that we're in such different stages of our lives and have a big gap in life experiences and probably common interests.


I understand your concern. I think it is a legitimate concern as well. I suppose you don't really know unless you try. If for w/e reason it doesn't seem right to you, dating does not mean you are now married to someone. You have plenty of time to find out what is right for you. Follow your heart. GL


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

bwidger85 said:


> I understand your concern. I think it is a legitimate concern as well. I suppose you don't really know unless you try. If for w/e reason it doesn't seem right to you, dating does not mean you are now married to someone. You have plenty of time to find out what is right for you. Follow your heart. GL


Thanks, I'm going to text him back to say yes.

If anyone has any experiences or advice with dating with an age gap, or even just general dating advice since I'm extremely new to it, it would be appreciated.


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## Alone75 (Jul 29, 2013)

That's not so bad, I knew of this 50 year old guy with a 19 year old and they were happy for at year at least. I thought the gap was too much though, hated the guy anyway, really full of himself and always fawning over young girls. 

I'd say give it a go if you like him, if he tries to push things too fast then run.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

ZeroPoint said:


> That's not so bad, I knew of this 50 year old guy with a 19 year old and they were happy for at year at least. I thought the gap was too much though, hated the guy anyway, really full of himself and always fawning over young girls.
> 
> I'd say give it a go if you like him, if he tries to push things too fast then run.


Oh wow. 50 would be even older than my father! I couldn't imagine dating someone that old.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Going on my first date in my life in an hour! Wish me luck. We're cooking together.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

I am 36 Years old and am in the minority but I am attracted to older women and always have been since I was a teenager.

Your biggest danger other than life experience is that he will be controlling in some ways, if he has money and status older men with younger women, you know the drill, they usually try to buy them with gifts or a lifestyle or impress them or show them off, or even control them

other than that you have to give more details, every situation is different


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

If this is the first date you have ever been on, I recommend someone around your age, but I guess if the chemistry is there it is there, cooking sounds like a harmless activity though haha


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## Mmmm (Nov 3, 2013)

Conquer Fear said:


> If this is the first date you have ever been on, I recommend someone around your age, but I guess if the chemistry is there it is there, cooking sounds like a harmless activity though haha


Unless its at his place.


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## Alienated (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm 48 and shopping for a wife around 30 to 35, and not only because of looks or sex . I am dying and need someone to help take care of me when I start to get sick. And I have no one else on Earth, so when I die she will get everything I own. And have a good chance at life, to be happy for taking care of me, so I don't have to die all alone.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Alienated said:


> I'm 48 and shopping for a wife around 30 to 35, and not only because of looks or sex . I am dying and need someone to help take care of me when I start to get sick. And I have no one else on Earth, so when I die she will get everything I own. And have a good chance at life, to be happy for taking care of me, so I don't have to die all alone.


I don't really think this guy at only 32 is thinking about finding a young partner to be his caretaker.



Mmmm said:


> Unless its at his place.


It was at his place. A lot of people told me that was a bad idea but I don't know why, it was a great date.



Conquer Fear said:


> Your biggest danger other than life experience is that he will be controlling in some ways, if he has money and status older men with younger women


I definitely get that impression from him, do you have any advice on what I should do to keep the relationship more equal? We're going out again next weekend and he wouldn't tell me what we're doing, just told me when he'd pick me and that I'd have to wait and see.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

That is quite a gap, but what we think doesn't really matter. As long as you two are comfortable with the age gap it's fine.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

where did you meet this guy?


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

SilentLuke said:


> where did you meet this guy?


On campus, he's a friend of one of my professors and I met him while I was waiting to meet with the professor.


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## Subject 1 (Oct 30, 2013)

Depends on your interests and your dependency on peer opinions.

If you need the approval of your peers and they are disapproving due to the age gap, then it is not going to work.

If you desire to be at outings where he would most likely be out of place because of his age, it can also prove to be an issue.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

Gwynevere said:


> On campus, he's a friend of one of my professors and I met him while I was waiting to meet with the professor.


That's a little weird to me because he's associated with your professor, and also that he was on campus. But you know this guy better than we do, I hope. Just be safe.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

A little weird IMO. But go for it if you don't think it's weird. I know at 19 I would be weird out by it and wouldn't really go for a guy that age..


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

SilentLuke said:


> That's a little weird to me because he's associated with your professor, and also that he was on campus. But you know this guy better than we do, I hope. Just be safe.


See, I took that as a good thing. He's not some random guy, he's more trustworthy because I'm sure he wouldn't want to be embarrassed by my professor hearing about anything bad or creepy he did.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

Gwynevere said:


> See, I took that as a good thing. He's not some random guy, he's more trustworthy because I'm sure he wouldn't want to be embarrassed by my professor hearing about anything bad or creepy he did.


Being a friend of your professor doesn't correlate with being more trustworthy in my book, but good luck anyways with this whole thing.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

The fact that he told you he will "pick you up" and was that vague means unfortunately that he probably will never see you as an equal... with the age gap and life experience, you can't totally blame him... at the same time, you want someone who takes you seriously, someone like that will order your food off a menu for you, pick out clothes for you etc. 

Number 1, I am concerned about where the hell you found this guy, and google him or something before getting involved... 

If you want this for the experience, then you may have some fun, but do not expect anything long-term out of it.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Conquer Fear said:


> The fact that he told you he will "pick you up" and was that vague means unfortunately that he probably will never see you as an equal... with the age gap and life experience, you can't totally blame him... at the same time, you want someone who takes you seriously, someone like that will order your food off a menu for you, pick out clothes for you etc.


I don't know, I might end up liking that type of relationship dynamic. The things you mentioned at the end all sound really nice - I hate talking to waiters and picking out my own clothes means baggy jeans and hoodies.


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## Alienated (Apr 17, 2013)

Well no he's not looking for a care taker, but you have to look for what you really NEED. NOT just what you want.

If you are looking for a long term relationship, or even a very loving one. It's NOT the outside package that matters, but who it is inside. I was saying a large age gap isn't a big factor when it comes to love..

I was giving a example of my reasoning for wanting a large age gap, and why it would be perfect for me.

What you want.... may not turn out to be what you need. If you want a young stud, just remember... your going to have to deal with his immaturity, and you are twice as likely to get hurt.

Where a older man, is more stabile, experienced, mature, seasoned, and has learned to deal with problems and situations better. And those are important characteristics to have, for success.... And besides... he less likely to leave you for a younger woman...

YOU ARE THE YOUNGER WOMAN !! And us OLD fart's got allot to offer and are willing to give it !!


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

rymo said:


> Typically though, a 32 year old guy would only be interested in one thing from a 19 year old.


I think that's even more true of a 19-year-old guy. The younger you are the more into sex you tend to be.

The problem is we think too much. We think so much we can't enjoy anything. Just enjoy the relationship without thinking too much about it.

And celebrities do it all the time. Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta-Jones had a 30 year age gap.

But of course, with men of any age, you really need to be sure you're dealing with someone who has a good character.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

AngelClare said:


> I think that's even more true of a 19-year-old guy. The younger you are the more into sex you tend to be.
> 
> The problem is we think too much. We think so much we can't enjoy anything. Just enjoy the relationship without thinking too much about it.
> 
> ...


Exactly.

I was about to say, then you have all the _other_ people who claim that young guys are only after one thing. The generalizations get old real fast.

The OP has more power than she may realize at times. At any moment she can decide not to see him anymore. She will do best to trust her own instincts and make decisions on her own, which she will anyway.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

People are going to have strong opinions on this, but ultimately you should know best if you think it's a good idea or whether you think the age gap is going to be a problem. If you decide to go on the date, just take it one step at a time and see if you even are compatible.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

Still the Michael Douglas thing is not a good analogy because he was in his 60's or 70's when he met her and she was in her 30's or 40's they were both relatively mature. If you are 19 and he is 35, that is a different age gap. 

The whole thing rubs me the wrong way somehow, yea it may be legal and a normal custom in some societies, but that doesn't make it right. 

The fact that he is "in control" to me is the biggest problem, because he is older and wiser and probably will know how to manipulate you, if he ever wanted to. 

He may not be a bad person necessarily, but I would at the very least do more research about him before you even consider seeing him or start a relationship. 

It also scares me that you know this little about him and he is picking you up and taking you to a mystery location. 

Yea you know him through a professor, but you don't really know him, god you are so naive and this really scares me the more I think about it.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

^ Yes. He could be a really nice guy who is at the very least interested in being friends, but it is rare and you should approach with caution. That's all.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Conquer Fear said:


> The fact that he is "in control" to me is the biggest problem, because he is older and wiser and probably will know how to manipulate you, if he ever wanted to.


The thing is, I'm a very shy, un-social, timid person, so I feel like regardless of an age difference that will always be a concern. I've talked to him about my social anxiety and he's agreed to make an effort to be mindful about the fact that I may have difficulty expressing myself if something bothers me.



Conquer Fear said:


> He may not be a bad person necessarily, but I would at the very least do more research about him before you even consider seeing him or start a relationship.


So what type of research would you recommend? I've been to his linkedin account and his website, I also know where he lives now. I have no way of finding out who his past relationships were that I know of, if that's what you were thinking.



Conquer Fear said:


> It also scares me that you know this little about him and he is picking you up and taking you to a mystery location.


Do you have any ideas on how I can ask him to give me more details without sounding like a party-pooper?



Conquer Fear said:


> Yea you know him through a professor, but you don't really know him, god you are so naive and this really scares me the more I think about it.


I appreciate the concern but I don't get asked out, ever, and I'm lonely, so I think I have to see where this goes.



rymo said:


> ^ Yes. He could be a really nice guy who is at the very least interested in being friends, but it is rare and you should approach with caution. That's all.


Rymo, you're so focused on the idea that he 'only wants one thing.' He's not like that, he didn't make any sexual advances during our date.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

The bottom line is with someone like that, he will try to take advantage of you on some level, even if that means only talking down to you or explaining his philosophies or theories on all kinds of BS that he knows. 

The problem is, you almost shouldn't even give him an initial chance of a date without being able to find research on him. People generally meet thru solid connections. I am an outcast with no life, car, money or job, so I have to resort to internet dating, which is in many ways just as dangerous. 

The fact that you are timid, shy etc is what these people prey on, no matter what his intentions are, to sleep with you, show you off in public to look cool, talk down to you. You will not know his true intentions this early, but you will eventually. I mean with a guy even 25 or 27, you have a little more in common...

Whether you get along or not, because of the age difference, it is basically a disfunctional relationship. If you were 28 and he was 40 that is a huge difference, because you both have more life experience. Guys PREY on 19 year old women.

All I can say is, if you must go out with him, which I wouldn't do, if you see any signs of shady behavior, leave and don't look back.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Conquer Fear said:


> Guys PREY on 19 year old women.


I was involved with a 20-year-old and after that a 19-year-old. All were 12+ years younger. I didn't prey on them.

I genuinely enjoyed their company. Their young ex-boyfriends often treated them horribly. It's not about the man's age, it's about his character.

I have found that emotional maturity has little to do with age. Some 40-year-old people behave like teenagers. Some 19-year-old girls are wiser than people twice their age.

You have to remember that for most of human history and most cultures the groom was older than the bride. Men mature and settle down later in life than women. And men remain interested in sex a lot longer as they age. So IMO, 50-year-old man with 40 year old woman works out a little better than if they're both 50.

But that's just my opinion and I'm very very biased


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

you're just a kid, nuff said


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

AngelClare said:


> And men remain interested in sex a lot longer as they age.


Errrr


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

I would say being of a similar intelligence range is more important than age or other factors. If you guys respect each others' opinions then you can handle the differences and have a chance, though you're probably going to go through more life changes than he is. He'll want things to stay the same while you'll want to grow and experience something new. You'll both likely have trouble adapting to that.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

probably offline said:


> Errrr


Yeah bit of a creepy and inaccurate message, I'm going to disregard his opinion.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. You're both adults.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

probably offline said:


> Errrr


Well, I didn't mean to offend. I thought this was common knowledge.



> In general, sex drive decreases gradually with age in both men and women, but women are two to three times more likely to be affected by a decline in sex drive as they age. Reduced sex drive becomes much more common in women starting in their late 40s and 50s.


http://www.menopause.org/for-women/...e/sexual-problems-at-midlife/decreased-desire

The OP asked about age gaps. My point is that it can be beneficial as you get older. Of course there are negatives too like the fact that men tend to die earlier than women.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

rymo said:


> 32 year old man with a 19 year old girl, pretty creepy for sure. But if you like him then have fun. I really wouldn't worry about a relationship, he only just got your number. If that happened it would be quite a bit down the road. Cross that bridge when you come to it, I say. Typically though, a 32 year old guy would only be interested in one thing from a 19 year old.


Why s that creepy ???
30 and 20 , its do-able


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

I personally think its oke, in my environment i see it alot .


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It's not creepy,

What _is_ creepy is writing off 30 year old men like they're 50 years old. 30 is still young, you're barely out of your 20s. You're not even middle aged yet!


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## Subject 1 (Oct 30, 2013)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> It's not creepy,
> 
> What _is_ creepy is writing off 30 year old men like they're 50 years old. 30 is still young, you're barely out of your 20s. You're not even middle aged yet!


Many young adults can not comprehend such a large age gap as being normal.
Some are even against it just because they don't want some old man getting into women they wanted to get into.

Large age gap relationships have been all around me.
The catch is, the youngest of the two is always at an age where they are usually sure of themselves and their decisions.

Not someone who is vague about knowing who they are and are still making choices in life based on what other people will think.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

So we had our second date, went well, still like each other and want to keep dating. So now he wants to introduce me to his friends. I feel like this is going to be the big determining factor as to whether we can seriously go out with each other - whether I can fit in and hang out with his friends who are all much older than me. Does anyone have any advice? We're going to be watching football at his house on Sunday.


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

Age isn't that big of a deal. The problem is usually worrying what other people will think about it.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

missamanda said:


> Age isn't that big of a deal. The problem is usually worrying what other people will think about it.


Yes. Other people usually have a completely misguided and inflated view that what they "think" other people need is more important than what they actually need.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

What the hell, after two dates he is already introducing you to his friends?! that is wayyy too early, most likely he wants to show off to them or see what they think of you. 

What he should have done at this early a stage is go to a coffee shop or a walk in the park or maybe a movie, way too early to be meeting his friends. 

I warned you, what you do from this point on, it is all in your court. I still think you are naive, bordering on gullible. I still think you don't have nearly enough background info on this guy before meeting him, let alone going to his house to watch football. 

This should be a lesson to women to research ANY new guy she risks dating and going out with alone.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

I still don't really understand what background info you think I should be getting.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

Gwynevere said:


> So we had our second date, went well, still like each other and want to keep dating. *So now he wants to introduce me to his friends.* I feel like this is going to be the big determining factor as to whether we can seriously go out with each other - whether I can fit in and hang out with his friends who are all much older than me. Does anyone have any advice? We're going to be watching football at his house on Sunday.


hmm is that normal to do ?
i never dated but after two dates inviting you to others, i thought it needs some time before you meet the folks/friends etc :blank that is what i always see in movies.

or maybe he likes to make an impression on his friends :roll 
as long as you don't feel pressured it'll be good.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

Gwynevere said:


> I still don't really understand what background info you think I should be getting.


maybe something like rumors , personal life stuff.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

forex said:


> hmm is that normal to do ?.


Why does everyone have to do things normally?
A rule about how long you wait to call? When to meet friends? Why not do what you sincerely feel?


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

forex said:


> hmm is that normal to do ?
> i never dated but after two dates inviting you to others, i thought it needs some time before you meet the folks/friends etc :blank that is what i always see in movies.
> 
> or maybe he likes to make an impression on his friends :roll
> as long as you don't feel pressured it'll be good.


I've never dated before either, I didn't see any reason it would be weird though. Most of the people I know in college who are dating knew each other's friends and hung out usually before they even started dating, so it doesn't seem odd.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

missamanda said:


> Age isn't that big of a deal. The problem is usually worrying what other people will think about it.


I agree.


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## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

I mean if he was closer to your age and part of the same social group and you met, you may not need to be as suspicious as it would happen more naturally. 

The fact that you met through a professor and he is that much older, I think you would need to somehow do more research about him before accepting him or dating him.


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## bridiecuz94 (Nov 10, 2013)

My parents have a ten year age gap and they have been together 25 years. I have never seen an age gap as a big deal personally, as long as it's legal obviously


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

There's is nothing wrong with age gaps. If you like eachother, something like that should not matter. Although I would never date wuth an age gap because I'm insecure and don't wanna deal with the criticism.


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## Conviction07 (Aug 23, 2013)

Imbored21 said:


> There's is nothing wrong with age gaps. If you like eachother, something like that should not matter. Although I would never date wuth an age gap because I'm insecure and don't wanna deal with the criticism.


How many pages did you go through to find this thread? It's over a year old.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

Conviction07 said:


> How many pages did you go through to find this thread? It's over a year old.


I didn't. Some dude necro'd and then deleted his post.


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