# Not attracted to people based on their looks



## Night Fury (Jan 5, 2011)

I've never particularly been attracted to people's appearance, male or female. I definitely enjoy sex and I've been in relationships, but my partner's appearance was pretty low on my list of priorities.

I'm aware of society's standards for good looking guys and girls, I'm just indifferent to them. When a friend points out a "hot girl" on the street my reaction is one of complete indifference. When I'm asked what kind of girls or guys I like, I usually just shrug and say something like "not sure". Sometimes, supposedly "attractive" people even turn me off because they seem fake to me. When I look back at my past partners, most of them had a relatively neutral appearance.

I'll admit that I wouldn't date someone I found ugly, but other than that I simply don't care about looks. The relationships I've had were based on shared interests, personality and friendship.

Does anyone else not find people attractive in this way?


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I want me a desperate chick


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

I tend to put personality above looks in relationships. I wouldn't be with someone who I found unattractive but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so there's some leeway there. I tend to go for guys who make me laugh and have fun, who share similar interests, who are average looking.

I dated only one guy who was more traditionally handsome, but we didn't have much in common.


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## Snuffy (Oct 5, 2010)

Night Fury said:


> Does anyone else not find people attractive in this way?


Sounds like you might be wondering if something is missing in how you approach relationships - maybe because people tend to be primed for instant fireworks/lust at first sight, and love to talk about it... Fortunately, you _do_ manage to find partners, just without relying on the candy coating that others think they need.

I tend to prefer more middle-of-the-road, natural looks, myself. What's considered a hot chick nowadays is usually someone Botoxed and coated in makeup, which does nothing for me. If a girl has expressive, or better yet, devouring eyes - _without_ being dipped in liner and shadow - she does get my attention (not that she'd necessarily ever know it), but that's rare. Pretty much everyone else is visually "Meh." to me, or even downright disturbing, despite what the masses proclaim is attractive.


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## thinkdan (Apr 30, 2011)

I completely agree with you (OP), I also tend to focus on things in common, good conversation, similar values, etc. I've dated all kinds of girls, including some who I know some people would not find very pretty, but it really doesn't matter to me, as long as I feel that connection.
And I guess love does make you blind, cause even "not so pretty" girls start to look beautiful when there's a spark... And no, alcohol was not involved.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

I find that a girl who turns me on sexually is rarely the most beautiful woman. I think sexual attractiveness and physical attractiveness (beauty) are 2 different things for me. I'm not sure if this makes sense? It's like I can appreciate a beautiful woman but I'm not necessarily attracted to them for some of the reasons you mention; and, for whatever reason, certain "flaws" in a woman turn me on.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

LynnNBoys said:


> I tend to put personality above looks in relationships. I wouldn't be with someone who I found unattractive but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so there's some leeway there. I tend to go for guys who make me laugh and have fun, who share similar interests, who are average looking.
> 
> I dated only one guy who was more traditionally handsome, but we didn't have much in common.


 I agree with you personality & a sense of humor are much more important than looks, however to be with someone there has to be an attraction to that person physically or it's never going to work.


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## Night Fury (Jan 5, 2011)

Obviously I agree that personality and shared interests are more important, but it seems like they're not enough. Lacking a lust for the person makes the relationship extremely difficult to keep going. After a while they catch onto the fact that I'm not actually attracted to them, then relationship either fades completely or just turns into a friendship. It's like the sex on it's own isn't good enough, they need me to lust over them.

I should probably also mention that I'm "bisexual", in quotation marks because it hardly seems accurate. I simply don't care about their gender because I don't find either attractive. When it comes down to it I'd rather have sex with a guy because I can relate to them better.

I'm sorry that I couldn't respond to everyone directly, I don't feel like spending all night typing.


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## Bloody Pit Of Horror (Aug 15, 2011)

Attractiveness is a bonus tho not necessary. I am too kinky for that.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Physical attraction is the first thing i notice. I could have the greatest chemistry ever with a girl but if im not physically attracted then i wont be dating her or having sex with her.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

I don't get attracted to people based on looks alone either. I see a lot of pretty girls when I'm out somewhere, but I don't feel interested in anyone unless they talk to me and I realize we get along well and that they have a likeable personality.


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## Slogger (Dec 14, 2010)

I look more at personality. I've been quite enamored by many odd-looking or unusual guys who were kind, had a good sense of humor and insightful intelligence. A decent bod is nice too of course, because it shows they like to be physically active, as I do.


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## Night Fury (Jan 5, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> You're aware of society's standards for good looking guys and girls? Really? And what would they be?
> 
> Because society didn't get together and set up any standards on this one. Society doesn't speak as one. It's not like we all get told how to think and or have us all agree on who was and who wasn't "good looking". That never happened.
> 
> There are ideas and agendas and incredibly dark stuff out there but no universal standards. No locked in definition of what "good looking" actually is.


I should have left that part out. It's irrelevant anyway since I'm simply not attracted to ANYONE. I don't see a person and think they're hot. It just doesn't happen.



joinmartin said:


> People who have SA think it happened because they see standards and rules everywhere. They assume that they can't be good at socialising because they don't do or don't think they know how to do this, that and the other thing they are apparently supposed to do.


You raise a good point there. Basically, I'm wondering if this might have something to do with SA. Perhaps, deep in my unconscious mind, I'm so afraid of rejection that I can't attach any meaning to someone's looks. It's like my brain tells me that anyone I might find attractive would never reciprocate those feelings, so it simply turns off my "attraction drive".


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

This is a mature attitude that usually develops with age. But if you've never been attracted to ladies based on looks, I'd say something was wrong. Is it possible you had low self-esteem and convinced yourself you aren't attracted to pretty ladies?


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## Night Fury (Jan 5, 2011)

VanDamMan said:


> Is it possible you had low self-esteem and convinced yourself you aren't attracted to pretty ladies?


It seems possible, yeah. I've been this way since I was very young, so it seems like I just never developed the capacity in the first place.


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## Event Horizon (Feb 23, 2011)

Well, I guess this is typical of a female, but I don't take looks as anything special either. But the one thing that is atypical is that I never really had a crush on someone or really fancied someone because of their looks. There has got to be an ocean of more interesting factors about a person other than their looks.
So I feel the same way. I tend to feel very indifferent towards looks, and "attractive" people do come off as fake to me, male and female. I admit I might appreciate an attractive person, but that lasts about a second, and they never really get as much attention and affection from me as from most people. It is just not that special to me because attractive people are a dime a dozen. I _never_ in my life understood lust, crushes, (which are basically bursts of lust), and the level of excitement people express when they see an attractive person! And I'm a pretty sexual person, I enjoy sex but never on the basis of how attractive a person looks. So yeah, a lot of my partners have been neutral as well.


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## erasercrumbs (Dec 17, 2009)

Because of previous psychological damage, I'm actually _less_ attracted to people that are generally considered above-average in the looks department.


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## Nichiren (Aug 15, 2011)

Interesting posts.
I still find certain women 'attractive' in general but I'm not really attracted to them anymore.
I can say 'she is beautiful' but it is more like I am describing art or a musical piece.
My actual want for companionship died a long time ago because of the type of women I tended to attract.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

I do see a person as attractive on the outside, but I know better than to base their personality by just their looks. We all know that good looking people can be ugly on the inside just like anyone else. Like was already mentioned, above average looking people seem to have an attitude thinking their farts smell like roses, so if anything, I pay them less attention than I would pay someone who was more average looking.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

yea right.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

RetroDoll said:


> yea right.


loquaciousintrovert, is that you?

If your post was directed at me, let me TELL you that you have no idea who I am, and you never will. Ive seen this behavior in other posts of yours. Its not constructive, ok?


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

jsgt said:


> loquaciousintrovert, is that you?
> 
> If your post was directed at me, let me TELL you that you have no idea who I am, and you never will. Ive seen this behavior in other posts of yours. Its not constructive, ok?


does it say 'Loquaicious Introvert' somewhere over there?

<-------

obviously I'm not her and she's not me.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

You totally missed what I was saying. Also, I didnt send you that quote notification PM. Its an automatic thing now, but you can turn it off in your CP.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

jsgt said:


> You totally missed what I was saying. Also, I didnt send you that quote notification PM. Its an automatic thing now, but you can turn it off in your CP.


ok w/e


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I wish I could say the same! Sometimes I think I'm too dependent on "looks."


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## erasercrumbs (Dec 17, 2009)

Tugwahquah said:


> Looks are not important to me. My last boyfriend (we broke up three years ago) Was a victim of a propane explosion back in 2000. I loved him for 3 years, and I still love him. He was burned over 85 percent of his body. He was beautiful to me because of the kind sweetness of his heart. I could talk to him for hours and he would always make me laugh. He changed my perspective of life and how to deal with the problems life throws at you. Like don't sweat the small stuff. Laughter is the best medicine.
> 
> Id still be with him, If it wasn't for the millions in settlement that changed him. I hate money!


Aww, what a cool story. Thanks for sharing.


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## erasercrumbs (Dec 17, 2009)

Tugwahquah said:


> ..Its got me all teared up now. I'm not supposed to think about it.


I'm sorry if discussing it opened up old wounds, but if it's any consolation, talking about it has brightened up the day of at least one person. It really is a lovely anecdote, I only wish it had a happier ending.


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## Insanityonthego (Jul 5, 2010)

Lately I've been starting to realize this one and starting to believe it's valid.


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## Godless1 (Aug 1, 2008)

Why is it so hard for people to understand that physical attraction and emotional attraction are too separate things? They both play a part in your perception of somebody's "attractiveness".

Another thing people don't realize is that *neither one is static. *The more time you spend getting to know somebody the more physically attractive you will find them. That's just the way human's work.

This is why I'm really annoyed when people say that someone isn't good looking enough to date. Forget the fact that if you get to know someone you might build an emotional connection, *but you will literally be more attracted to them physically*.


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## Insanityonthego (Jul 5, 2010)

Godless1 said:


> Why is it so hard for people to understand that physical attraction and emotional attraction are too separate things? They both play a part in your perception of somebody's "attractiveness".
> 
> Another thing people don't realize is that *neither one is static. *The more time you spend getting to know somebody the more physically attractive you will find them. That's just the way human's work.
> 
> This is why I'm really annoyed when people say that someone isn't good looking enough to date. Forget the fact that if you get to know someone you might build an emotional connection, *but you will literally be more attracted to them physically*.


Word:cig


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

I think some attraction is important. However, I think society's standards of attractiveness are generally pretty stupid. For example women are apparently supposed to have massive breasts and tiny waists. And so it goes.

I usually find "average" looks to be most attractive and hate the airbrushed pictures of women you see where they have no visible skin detail at all. 

I think most people look for whatever they're attracted to first because it gives you some incentive to stick with it and get to know the person even if they seem boring and unremarkable at first.


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## Night Fury (Jan 5, 2011)

I agree that a person becomes more physically attractive as you get to know them, but there's probably a limit to that. 

On the one hand I'm glad I don't have impossible standards, but on the other I wish it wasn't so difficult to be interested in someone.

Anyway I'm beginning to doubt this has anything to do with SA.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

LaRibbon said:


> I don't find anyone attractive until I know and like them.


 I usually find people less attractive once I get to know them.


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## demureCat (Jun 17, 2010)

Night Fury said:


> I should have left that part out. It's irrelevant anyway since I'm simply not attracted to ANYONE. I don't see a person and think they're hot. It just doesn't happen.


This sounds something like low testosterone. I don't know anything about it. I just heard a radio program that featured stories from people and their response to low or high testosterone. I recall one male with low testosterone saying everything was rather blah, colors not vivid, sun not bright and, of course, low sex drive.

Might be worth checking out.


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## sansd (Mar 22, 2006)

Night Fury said:


> I should probably also mention that I'm "bisexual", in quotation marks because it hardly seems accurate. I simply don't care about their gender because I don't find either attractive.


I am similar. I consider myself biromantic but not bisexual.

I can develop an attraction to someone, but I'm never attracted to someone I don't know.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

VanDamMan said:


> *This is a mature attitude that usually develops with age.* But if you've never been attracted to ladies based on looks, I'd say something was wrong. Is it possible you had low self-esteem and convinced yourself you aren't attracted to pretty ladies?


I was just going to say. A couple of weeks ago the board was full of young men who were ranting about not being able 'to get an 8 or 9'. There was so much anger and resentment. And now this thread. The polar opposite. I must venture here more often.


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

Looks have their place. What you find attractive doesn't have to be the norm. I usually go for the cute, girl next door types more than straight beautiful in the traditional sense. I really find people who have something going on and are vibrant more attractive- you know they sort of have a glow about them- than some well defined features and a pretty smile. I am also more of a science geek and I find people that can talk about things and have their own ideas on subjects to be much more attractive than those who just don't have anything to say when it comes down to it.


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## JayDontCareEh (Jul 16, 2007)

LaRibbon said:


> I can recognise that someone is good looking, but I don't find anyone attractive until I know and like them.


Same.


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## Divasmurf (Sep 6, 2011)

Im not hooked on looks either, im not going to generalize and say all hot people have no personality but in my experience thats usually been the case. I also agree with the few people that posted the fact that if you like the personality of someone they will become more physically attractive to you.


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## Fenren (Sep 20, 2009)

Give me a nice happy, friendly, caring, honest and loving person any day over someone mean-hearted who looks a million dollars. Personality + looks matters though all the same. Although I find it quite narrow minded just to judge people on physical attractiveness alone, I'd give anyone a chance, well talk to them at least if not initially attracted...


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## CynicalOptimist (Dec 31, 2010)

I won't say that I haven't found good looking people attractive, because that would be untrue for me. However, the people I find most intriguing and attractive tend to be people society would likely not find that attractive due to their unconventional beauty or way of dress. I like guys that people might consider "weird"/"awkward" looking, or quirky or slightly eccentric. I like interesting people unafraid to stand outside the norm and be who they are. :yes


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

This isn't necessarily a choice, mature or otherwise. You've had it since young so could be on the asexuality end of the continuum.

I can't experience primary sexual attraction to people. I look at them and see a mannequin. I can look through dozens of photos of people considered sizzlingly hot, cute or whatever and feel nothing. I've no desire unless I know someone better.


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## lastresort (Jun 16, 2010)

You guys are all liars. Or maybe it's just that your SA has gotten so bad that your first instinct upon seeing someone attractive is to immediately reject first.

And in my experience, attractive people tend to have better personalities. Sure, it's more obvious when someone attractive has an ugly personality, but that's only because you were paying more attention to the attractive person in the first place... duh.

Let's face it, a lifetime of people being nice to you because you're attractive... nice personality. A lifetime of people treating you like crap cause you're ugly.... ugly personality.


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## artynerd (Sep 3, 2011)

Good hygene will do it!


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## Revenwyn (Apr 11, 2011)

Godless1 said:


> Why is it so hard for people to understand that physical attraction and emotional attraction are too separate things? They both play a part in your perception of somebody's "attractiveness".
> 
> Another thing people don't realize is that *neither one is static. *The more time you spend getting to know somebody the more physically attractive you will find them. That's just the way human's work.
> 
> This is why I'm really annoyed when people say that someone isn't good looking enough to date. Forget the fact that if you get to know someone you might build an emotional connection, *but you will literally be more attracted to them physically*.


This is exactly what happened with me and my husband. He was looking for a tall athletic type of girl (despite the fact that he was nearly 300 pounds) and I wasn't looking for an overweight guy, despite the fact that I'm not thin. I'm not fat, I'm just short and stocky.

So I was hitting on his best friend (who had no interest in me at all) so he told me to go talk to Tom over there. So I did so, only to find an instant intellectual and interests fit. We weren't physically attracted to each other at first but it fell into place soon after.

Oh and he has lost some weight. I'm still stubby though. :/


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## akt (Jun 21, 2011)

I also don't care about looks too much; only thing physically that can be a turn off is being purposely very obese (fat). I tend to be attracted to people with unusual looks, but not exactly good looking.


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## andemar (Mar 28, 2011)

I do not care about looks. A persons soul.........that is important.


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## xitelle (Aug 10, 2015)

hi, I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I have been looking for people who share my view on this topic so I really hope you read my message. I completely agree with you but I would say that I am more extreme.. I really can't tell if a person is pretty or ugly, I have never in my life thought of a person as ugly or pretty.. I do understand the society's standards of good looks (like you wrote) but I can not for the life of me understand why it has become this way... I actually hate people that do care about looks (I don't like it, but I can't help it) to me this is really stupid and looks has NOTHING to do with a person at all.
I think it is just dumb.. but no one shares my feelings, and I would really love to talk about this with someone who does  your post made me very happy, even if I don't get an answer thanx  and btw my english is not perfect because english is not my mother tongue, sorry for the typos


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## chompers (Feb 3, 2015)

I feel exactly the same.

I completely turned off by a lot of the "sexy" standards because it all just seems like a bunch of manufactured focus grouped bs to me

I need to like someone to be attracted to them


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

In general, men are supposed to be pretty concerned about looks because from a evolutionary standpoint, we are attracted to women who appear to be good child-bearers. We are concerned with indications of fertility, e.g., large breasts, youth, hips, etc. In this context, I would find it very odd that you don't find women attractive based on their looks. 

Might a certain amount of that simple be suppression of your normal feelings based on a experiencing feelings of rejection and a desire to sidestep the issue?

BTW, I am talking about general attraction. Obviously, I can think a women is super hot generally but if I find her to be a real PITA, I am not going to be attracted to her on an individual level. But I would still find her very hot.


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## xitelle (Aug 10, 2015)

I'm sorry findedeux, but I don't buy that... big boobs does not have anything to do with fertility, it's not like women who have big boobs are more likely to have a child then a women with small boobs. normally the boobs grow anyway when they get pregnant and stay bigger until the child stops breastfeeding. and the wide hips only make the birth easier.. youth is a pluss, but it's still stupid to look for a too young girl because she would not make a good mother at all.. 
the personality and mental state trumps all of these things when it comes to a good mother so if you all were looking for good mothers the body of a women should not matter at all.. so I don't think that argument is good enough.. 

and we could always talk about "fat" and "skinny".. you could be a little bit overweight in todays society (still be healthy) have huge breast wide hips and be young and you still would not be attractive to a lot of guys.. 

but you might be right, maybe it is just stuck in the dna... but still it is kind of stupid.. I don't think it does the human race any favors today in 2015, as far as babies and fertility goes.. so I think it is time to be a little bit smarter and stop this bull****.. because to me it seems like a manufactured world with everyone telling you how to look, or your not good enough.. it should be perfect to be natural.. just the way you were born, without people telling you if your sexy or not. I think it is a really narrow minded way to look at the world and people. that goes for both guys and girls..


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

If a man's attraction is biological then I think accusing that man of being narrow-minded based on his preferences would be analogous to claiming that guys who only like vaginas and not also penises are narrow-minded as well.

If people don't choose who they are attracted or what they are attracted to then it doesn't really matter if ideologically speaking, you wanted to be attracted to other people for better reasons.

I've been in relationships with great people who I did not have a lot of sexual attraction to and it just doesn't work.

While I certainly agree with you that biological preferences aren't always very helpful, there's not a lot we can do about that. Sure you can always go out with whoever you want. But at the end of the day you aren't sexually attracted to someone based on their ideals or their great moral character. You are attracted to them sexually for reasons you did not choose and cannot control.

Evolution is slow....



xitelle said:


> I'm sorry findedeux, but I don't buy that... big boobs does not have anything to do with fertility, it's not like women who have big boobs are more likely to have a child then a women with small boobs. normally the boobs grow anyway when they get pregnant and stay bigger until the child stops breastfeeding. and the wide hips only make the birth easier.. youth is a pluss, but it's still stupid to look for a too young girl because she would not make a good mother at all..
> the personality and mental state trumps all of these things when it comes to a good mother so if you all were looking for good mothers the body of a women should not matter at all.. so I don't think that argument is good enough..
> 
> and we could always talk about "fat" and "skinny".. you could be a little bit overweight in todays society (still be healthy) have huge breast wide hips and be young and you still would not be attractive to a lot of guys..
> ...


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## xitelle (Aug 10, 2015)

but for me it does not work like that at all, so I have a really hard time understanding it.. I am just not attracted to looks, I'm not saying I can't have a one night stand or random sex, but it would have nothing to do with the appearance of a person if I did so. I don't mean to judge people who do. It just does not make sense to me.



Findedeux said:


> If a man's attraction is biological then I think accusing that man of being narrow-minded based on his preferences would be analogous to claiming that guys who only like vaginas and not also penises are narrow-minded as well.
> 
> If people don't choose who they are attracted or what they are attracted to then it doesn't really matter if ideologically speaking, you wanted to be attracted to other people for better reasons.
> 
> ...


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