# Five Truths about Fear



## Whitney (Oct 2, 2008)

So this is taken from the book _Feel the Fear... and do it Anyway_ by Susan Jeffers. Some of it is not really applicable to SA but it could be helpful in some situations. Since I think that I have AvPD and not really SAD, my main problem is avoidance more so that physical anxiety symptoms, so it is helpful to me. If you are feeling intense physical anxiety and panic attacks it will probably be less helpful. So that being said, here are the five truths about fear:

1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear when I'm on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else.
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

#3 and #5 ring the most true for me. If I go out and do the things that I'm afraid of, usually I feel better about myself and less helpless.


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## Chri588 (Jun 26, 2010)

My last visit to my councellor we were talking about fear and he showed me a good way to describe fear...

*F*alse
*E*vidence
*A*ppearing
*R*eal

I think this helped me realise that when I get scared of doing certain things, it's mostly based on my own negative thoughts and not on any 'real' evidence. Knowing this I've been able to do some small things that I wouldn't have normally done, and so far it has never been as bad as I worry it will be. So #2 and 3 is what I'm doing now.


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## Relaxation (Jul 12, 2010)

Hi Whitney,

I would say that at my worst, avoidant personality disorder stopped me from even talking to people. Anyone really. What was frustrating was that often the more I willed myself, the more anxious I would get. 

Here is a 3 step summary of what I did:

1) Replacing negative thoughts with positive, realistic ones. This was through logical and emotional questioning of myself.
2) Very gradual immersion in real life situations. I never did anything that scared me *too much* at any point. I only did things that scared me a little bit (at each stage).
3) I would never beat myself up over anything. When you have social anxiety, your self-esteem and self-love will not be super strong. The worst thing you can do is to criticize yourself.


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## Whitney (Oct 2, 2008)

Chri588 said:


> *F*alse
> *E*vidence
> *A*ppearing
> *R*eal


I like that, thanks.



Relaxation said:


> Here is a 3 step summary of what I did:
> 
> 1) Replacing negative thoughts with positive, realistic ones. This was through logical and emotional questioning of myself.
> 2) Very gradual immersion in real life situations. I never did anything that scared me *too much* at any point. I only did things that scared me a little bit (at each stage).
> 3) I would never beat myself up over anything. When you have social anxiety, your self-esteem and self-love will not be super strong. The worst thing you can do is to criticize yourself.


That is pretty much what I am trying to do too. It is not easy, but I know that it is the best way.
1) The trouble I have here is catching those negative thoughts and actually letting them go. I like the general idea of "retraining" your brain though. It just takes time.
2) I'm trying to come up with a list of situations in an order to follow. I'm probably over-thinking it though. I tend to do that.
3) Yeah this is a big problem for me too, I tend to beat myself up over the stupidest stuff. But I am working on it.


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## VagueResemblance (Apr 17, 2010)

Relaxation said:


> 3) I would never beat myself up over anything. When you have social anxiety, your self-esteem and self-love will not be super strong. The worst thing you can do is to criticize yourself.


Quoted for truth. I like your approach and your plan, this bit just leaped out at me especially. 



Whitney said:


> 3) Yeah this is a big problem for me too, I tend to beat myself up over the stupidest stuff. But I am working on it.


Since you mentioned art in another thread....

Art therapy and social anxiety. I can only give my example, I hope it will help at all. I draw heavy parallels between art and social anxiety and getting better with one allowed me some progress with the other. Two ways about this

first, disposability of art. I reject something like nine out of ten sketches. Enormous failure rate, right? The correct way to see these is practice not failure, every one a source of reference for what to avoid and what not to do, and ideas on how to do better next time. Same about human interaction, it will not hurt very badly and it will be educational, even if in the lesson is small, like 'I can converse with this person and not explode out of sheer awkwardness.'

second, good art only happens when I'm able to dismiss all my worries about what people might think. Somebody'll point out this perspective error and I don't know the proportions here very well oh god oh god...when I draw for my own entertainment and my own sense of accomplishment, the anxiety vanishes.

Both attitudes carry into other areas, the second one especially; its effect on social anxiety should be obvious. It's a very difficult mindset to attain but as it's getting easier to achieve in art, it's easier to achieve face to face with people.


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## Whitney (Oct 2, 2008)

VagueResemblance said:


> Since you mentioned art in another thread....
> 
> Art therapy and social anxiety. I can only give my example, I hope it will help at all. I draw heavy parallels between art and social anxiety and getting better with one allowed me some progress with the other. Two ways about this
> 
> ...


I'm already getting ideas of how to incorporate my sa struggles into art :boogie

I definitely understand the whole what other people will think of it thing. I have that problem a lot with music, especially singing. I'll really want to learn to play a song on piano and sing to it, and then I'll think, no I could never sing this in front of someone so I get nervous and don't practice it.

That's why when it comes to art I'm thinking of it as being just for me. If I really like something I do then I might show it to someone or put it on my wall or something, but if not then no big deal. As long as I enjoy it


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## Relaxation (Jul 12, 2010)

VagueResemblance said:


> when I draw for my own entertainment and my own sense of accomplishment, the anxiety vanishes.


That is very profound. One thing I've noticed about a lot of successful artists and the like, are that they only care about whether or not they like it. They especially do not try to "win over" people who are not their target audience. An artist wants to connect withl like-minded individuals. Imagine how you'd feel if someone you didn't like found a lot of enjoyment in your art. It's a strange feeling.

How that relates to SA: you should only care about doing things for yourself and those who you connect with. Some people are so different that it would be a waste of time trying to get their approval.


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## VagueResemblance (Apr 17, 2010)

Whitney said:


> That's why when it comes to art I'm thinking of it as being just for me. If I really like something I do then I might show it to someone or put it on my wall or something, but if not then no big deal. As long as I enjoy it


Awesome.  I've been drawing for half my life and it took an obscenely long time to figure out that business of expectations was what made it a tense conflict-ridden thing... Glad you saw it right away.


Relaxation said:


> How that relates to SA: you should only care about doing things for yourself and those who you connect with. Some people are so different that it would be a waste of time trying to get their approval.


Truth.


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