# How do you know when you're in love?



## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

I've had my fair share of crushes, most didn't last long and were not that serious, but I think two of them were major crushes. One was at age 10-11, on a girl I got on pretty well with, who was funny, interesting to talk to, and I thought was good-looking. The crush lasted about half a year, then primary school finished so I didn't see her again. The second was a few months ago and lasted about a month. I had previously found the girl physically attractive, but didn't really know her. The crush suddenly hit almost overnight, and while I still didn't know her that well, I could tell that she was a very nice person. That crush only lasted a month, and then secondary school finished so I didn't see her again (this is becoming a theme!). In each case, I thought about those girls pretty much constantly and was pretty infatuated. However, I still don't think that I was "in love" with them. I imagine love to be like a "soul mate" thing, where you suddenly know that you were destined to be with that person forever (not that I believe in destiny or fate, or whatever, but you get my point) and that you exist for each other. Is this bull****, or is there truth in this? I see couples all the time who I wouldn't describe as "soul mates", just people who like each other enough to stay in a relationship. I personally don't think I could be in a serious relationship with someone who I didn't feel that I was actually in love with, although I know plenty of people do this, for example when they ask someone on a date as they find them reasonably attractive, then they get along with them fairly well and start a long-term relationship. Do these people grow to "love" each other, or do they stay together because they enjoy each other's company _enough_, find each other attractive _enough, _etc. I sometimes worry that I will wait forever and never be "in love" with someone, or I will one day marry someone (not that that seems likely) who I _think _I am in love with but later meet someone else who I actually love and realise the first time wasn't the real deal. Basically, if anyone could answer any of the following questions for me I would be grateful:

*.What is the difference between being "in love" with someone, and likeing them a lot?*

*.When you are in love with someone, do you know, or are there often doubts?*

*.If you find your "soul mate" (not that I believe they exist literally, but you know what I mean), how likely is it that the love would fade?*

*.To what extent does the love fade during a long-term relationship (think a marriage that lasts several decades), particularly when people get old (and also, do old people find other old people attractive, particularly their husbands/wives)?*

P.S: Please don't reply with "You're too young to worry about this", etc. It's not very helpful, and if you believe this then I'd rather hear about how I will understand more when I am older, and why.


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust (crush/attraction) at first sight. I think love develops over time. How much time? Eh. I don't know.

I dated a couple of guys in high school. The first two (9th and 10th), I don't think I ever said I loved them. I liked them. The guy I dated in junior year, I eventually told him I loved him and he said it to me. We dated until halfway into my senior year. I broke it off with him. Either fell out of love or it wasn't really love to begin with. Or I loved him in that moment but then it was time for me to move on. I don't know.

I met my now husband halfway through my freshman year of college (19 yrs old). He told me he loved me after about 2 months of dating, but I was too scared to say it back to him. I said it back to him another month later or so. Sophomore year, I made the mistake of accepting a date to go to the movies with another guy. We never said we were exclusive, but it was implied. My boyfriend broke up with me when he found out. This was a turning point for me. It devastated me. I could've just moved on to the next guy, but I knew there was something between me and my boyfriend (now husband) that was special. We just clicked. Same wave-length about almost everything. Plus I got along great with his family. I just knew in that moment that I had to do everything I could to win him back, or I'd be missing out. 

I don't remember having too many doubts with him. Maybe a few, "Oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing?" moments, like before walking down the aisle in front of 100 people. But never any serious doubts that lingered. It just felt right.

I see our mate choices as a pyramid. There's one (or maybe a handful) soulmate (for lack of better word) at the top. Then each tier down, there're more choices but less of a good fit for us, until you get to bottom row of all the people you shouldn't hook up with. My husband's grandmother told me once that she had two good husbands. Her first died young of a heart attack. She remarried and had a good marriage to another man who died of cancer after 25 years of marriage. She lived to be 92. So I don't think there's only one person out there for us.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in my home state and not moved 1000 miles away for college. I'm sure I would've found a guy to fall in love with and marry. Would I be more happy or less happy? I don't know.

Marriage is work. It's like a flower. If you don't take care of its needs, it's going to die. If you don't put effort into your marriage, you'll become strangers and then divorced.

Hope this helps!


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

Thanks for taking the time to read such a long post and then write such a long and detailed one back! The pyramid analogy is a great way to explain it, and the bit about being on the same "wavelength" is sort of what I was trying to explain with the use of the word "soul mate". And I'm glad someone has managed to reach their forties and maintain a happy marriage, often seeing my parents (who are a couple of years older than you) makes me feel as if there's not much hope for long-term marriages, and this upsets and worries me.


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

My parents divorced when I was 15. I'm trying very hard to not make the same mistakes, to not follow in their footsteps.

Good luck! I hope you find a special someone some day! And don't rush into it. We dated for 8 years before getting married at 27 yrs. Eight years is a bit long, but I would wait at least 3-4 yrs to know someone before committing to marriage.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

When your souls successfully mate.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

The word "love" and the term "being in love" are meaningless. I find it so funny and ridiculous when people feel that they have gradations of affection, or when they must hear "the L word" before going to bed with someone. Grow up and be realistic.


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

IcedOver said:


> The word "love" and the term "being in love" are meaningless. I find it so funny and ridiculous when people feel that they have gradations of affection, or when they must hear "the L word" before going to bed with someone. Grow up and be realistic.


Please, somebody tell me this is not true.


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

Ignore him. Please.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I sometimes wonder, too, what my life would be like had I made different choices. I think the only thing you can know for sure is that if you'd done things differently, your life would be different, not necessarily better or even worse, just different.

I don't think there's just one "soulmate" or person we can really make something good with. there are plenty of "ones" out there for everyone.

a good relationship is something you make with your mind just as much as with your body. I came to the conclusion a while back that love is a choice. I questioned that for a while, but now I am sure of it. In the beginning, we can't always choose who we develop feelings for, but you do have to make choice later on as to who you keep feelings for. Love does become a choice. for some, it's a choice they have to re-make every day. For others, it's a little easier. I think that has to do with that person's character and inherent personality make-up, like optimists just seem to be naturally optimistic, and so on. Commitments are just easier for some than others. Even so, though, relationships, keeping a commitment, as LynnNBoys astutely mentioned, are _hard work_. If you are in it for the long haul, you will work hard to maintain and nurture that relationship. You will have to compromise. But you do it because somewhere along the line, you decide that that person you've chosen to be with is worth it.

I can't say for sure what love "feels" like exactly - I'm not sure I've ever experienced it - that right there is probably all I need to know - but I am sure of what it is made up of, and it isn't just physical. Many people these days mistake that fluttery, can't wait to get my hands on you stuff for real love. Real, lasting love, is much more, in my opinion. I can say that, because I know that's what i would need to stay in a long term commitment. It's made up of mutual respect and understanding, shared history, conversation, a shared sense of humor, admiration, things like that, along with a hopefully mutual attraction. that's love. Even with all that, though, love is not easy. People, being the biological animals that they are, will still get distracted by other....flavors, let's say. That's one of those instances where the choice to be re-made comes in.


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## Godless1 (Aug 1, 2008)

Imagine the strongest craving you've ever had in your life, then multiply it by a billion, that's how much you desire someone when you are in love. Just being around this person is like almost overdosing on happy pills. You literally care more for their well-being than you do for your own. All you want is to make them happy. Everything else suddenly loses all significance. You will think about this person all day and all night, and then dream about them when you are asleep. 

All the cliches that you've heard are true. Love is an addiction, it's an obsession, it's a drug, and it makes you crazy.


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## Godless1 (Aug 1, 2008)

^ This.


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## Pangur Ban (Feb 2, 2011)

Godless1 said:


> Imagine the strongest craving you've ever had in your life, then multiply it by a billion, that's how much you desire someone when you are in love. Just being around this person is like almost overdosing on happy pills. You literally care more for their well-being than you do for your own. All you want is to make them happy. Everything else suddenly loses all significance. You will think about this person all day and all night, and then dream about them when you are asleep.
> 
> All the cliches that you've heard are true. Love is an addiction, it's an obsession, it's a drug, and it makes you crazy.


Well put. :clap


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

When you know the best and worst of each other and still believe the other person is worth it all- sacrifices, hardship, strife. That seems to be the strongest form of love to me. The kind where you do crazy things just to see them smile. I agree that love is not only a phenomenon, but also a choice. You choose to give all of yourself to someone and trust them with it. You also choose every day to keep working hard at building that faith and commitment and making it last through every challenge that life throws at you. At the end of the day, you decide that what you have with that person is worth more than anything else out there.


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

So you can only love someone if you know them well?


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## Godless1 (Aug 1, 2008)

^Well I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "well", but I'm going to say yes. At any rate, you aren't in love with your waitress, or the girl in your English to whom you've hardly ever spoken. That's simply infatuation. 

I'm sure it varies from person to person, but love takes some time to develop.


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

You become more self-less and willing to sacrifice more for your other half.
You're not afraid to expose your weakpoints/vulnerabilities and you are completely yourself around them, no glamourising or secrets.


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

Godless1 said:


> ^Well I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "well", but I'm going to say yes. At any rate, you aren't in love with your waitress, or the girl in your English to whom you've hardly ever spoken. That's simply infatuation.
> 
> I'm sure it varies from person to person, but love takes some time to develop.


Yes, exactly. I was trying to say that with "I don't believe in love at first sight." You can find someone attractive and have a crush on someone you've just met, but I think love develops over time after you've known them longer and have seen them react in various situations, etc. The infatuation is what grabs you so you can get to know them better-- and fall in love or move in separate directions.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

I guess it would be when you can't imagine your life without the person.


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

Bluepanda said:


> There's two types of love and only one of them really means anything.
> 
> When we first fall for someone we get a big dopamine rush that has a similar effect as cocaine, we think about the person 24/7 and we want to be with them as much as possible, have lots of sex etc and when were not with them we feel down and depressed. It also makes us very biased, the person were with can do no wrong in our eyes.
> 
> ...


So nature is trying to trick us? How do you know when it's real or not then?

This is really confusing. :|


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## Godless1 (Aug 1, 2008)

WalkingDisaster said:


> So nature is trying to trick us? How do you know when it's real or not then?
> 
> This is really confusing. :|


If you feel it, then it's real. I don't think falling out of love with someone means you were never in love with them in the first place.

Panda is right though, there are stages of love. The problem, for monogamy anyway, is that it's really hard to stay in love with someone after the "honeymoon" phase ends. Hence, the staggering number of breakups and divorces. It's likely that couples that stay together for a long time don't truly remain in love, but rather, they really like each other and enjoy the shared memory of being in love.


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## papaSmurf (Jun 16, 2008)

leonardess said:


> I don't think there's just one "soulmate" or person we can really make something good with. there are plenty of "ones" out there for everyone.
> 
> Even so, though, relationships, keeping a commitment, as LynnNBoys astutely mentioned, are _hard work_. If you are in it for the long haul, you will work hard to maintain and nurture that relationship. You will have to compromise. But you do it because somewhere along the line, you decide that that person you've chosen to be with is worth it.
> 
> Many people these days mistake that fluttery, can't wait to get my hands on you stuff for real love. Real, lasting love, is much more, in my opinion. I can say that, because I know that's what i would need to stay in a long term commitment. It's made up of mutual respect and understanding, shared history, conversation, a shared sense of humor, admiration, things like that, along with a hopefully mutual attraction. that's love.


All these things, yep. Another important bit I'd add would be emotional intimacy/letting the other person into your head.

(I'd like to say more on this topic, but I'm much too tired to express myself clearly at the moment. Hopefully I'll come back to this thread later!)


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

The idea of falling out of love with someone seems to me like one of the most depressing things imaginable. Seems like such a painful and upsetting anti-climax. I might just not bother with the whole thing if that's all that happens in the end.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

WalkingDisaster said:


> The idea of falling out of love with someone seems to me like one of the most depressing things imaginable. Seems like such a painful and upsetting anti-climax. I might just not bother with the whole thing if that's all that happens in the end.


who says you'll inevitably "fall out of love"? you won't, if you're willing to put in the effort.

I think the equation is Love = real, lasting friendship + physical intimacy.

But it's no ordinary friendship. as papasmurf pointed out above, it's the kind of friendship that involves willingness to be vulnerable - to let that other person into your head. As has also been pointed out above, in this society we're fed constant images of what love supposedly is, and they're false images, lacking depth and real understanding. If people changed their perspective on this, I think there would be far fewer divorces and far fewer marriages badly decided and too quickly made.

Having said all that, I think the kind of love I and others have been talking about is well worth it. And, sometimes, love does end. People grow and change, and they enter new phases of their lives. But that does not necessarily mean that love must end in rancour and recriminations. People can be glad for the time they had together, and look back on it fondly as a time when they learned new things, had wonderful times, and grew in ways they did not expect. It can be that way.


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## LynnNBoys (Jul 13, 2011)

Godless1 said:


> If you feel it, then it's real. I don't think falling out of love with someone means you were never in love with them in the first place.
> 
> Panda is right though, there are stages of love. The problem, for monogamy anyway, is that it's really hard to stay in love with someone after the "honeymoon" phase ends. Hence, the staggering number of breakups and divorces. It's likely that couples that stay together for a long time don't truly remain in love, but rather, they really like each other and enjoy the shared memory of being in love.


Or they find ways to fall in love again with each other every few years. A lucky few can do that.

But yes, often the honeymoon stage fades into a friends with benefits scenario, as well as a fondness for their shared history, for lack of better words.



leonardess said:


> who says you'll inevitably "fall out of love"? you won't, if you're willing to put in the effort.
> 
> I think the equation is Love = real, lasting friendship + physical intimacy.
> 
> ...


Yes, I think love and falling in love are worth it. My grandparents were married for almost 70 years! My grandfather just passed away in July at the age of 90. He and my grandma were married on February 14, 1942. They were my role models for a good marriage. They always had such love in their house, they teased and joked with each other, and they were wonderful partners in life. I even got a tattoo to remind me of their love for me and for each other.


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## Rosedubh (Jul 11, 2009)

There are 3 stages to Love:
Lust, driven by the sex hormones, testosterone and oestrogen. 
Then Attraction, which is when you can't think of anything else, maybe can't sleep, can't eat etc and just daydream about the other person.
Then theres Attachment, it's the bond that keeps the couple together, where two hormones are released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments.

Some people also say that if your crush lasts longer than four months, you're already in love.

That's all science though. It can happen differently for different people. In my experience, it just happens, I didn't realise until it hit me. I went through the non stop thinking and daydreaming about the other person, but I never actually thought "I love him" Then one day, I was just like "Well ****, I really love this guy."

Hope it helps somehow!


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I don't think real love's about such chemicals as dopamine or being _in love_. Real love's putting another's needs before your own and involves responsibility, rationality and sacrifice. But to avoid confusion I'll refer to your _in love_ term as _love_ to be consistent with your post.



WalkingDisaster said:


> I imagine love to be like a "soul mate" thing, where you suddenly know that you were destined to be with that person forever (not that I believe in destiny or fate, or whatever, but you get my point) and that you exist for each other. Is this bull****, or is there truth in this?


I've noticed there are degrees of being in love. The milder end would be crushes. At the high end I think there's truth in what you wrote.

I've noticed others proclaiming this business about destiny but they were fickle deep down and their feelings changed. They didn't know themselves or the other - got fooled by their drugged brains.



WalkingDisaster said:


> I see couples all the time who I wouldn't describe as "soul mates", just people who like each other enough to stay in a relationship. I personally don't think I could be in a serious relationship with someone who I didn't feel that I was actually in love with, although I know plenty of people do this, for example when they ask someone on a date as they find them reasonably attractive, then they get along with them fairly well and start a long-term relationship.


I've noticed too. I don't get why people desire to date strangers in the hope of finding a partner. I guess it's as you mentioned, most of the time, where they don't know how deep love can be or they find it can grow to sufficient enough levels for them as the person grows on them.

Much of the time it's determined by sex drive and desire for affection. You just enter relationships because you'll wait forever for that _one_ otherwise - they can still be very fun and you learn and gain a lot from them. I estimate I'd come across a _one_ person maybe 2-3 times a century. When you do, you can't necessarily be a couple anyway - there's some barrier or other.

When you're young in your twenties it can be worth entering relationships for the learning experience, companionship, sex and affection. It's when people are learning. Just limit mistakes with long term repercussions such as pregnancy, disease and marriage. Don't let the love chemicals fool you.



WalkingDisaster said:


> I sometimes worry that I will wait forever and never be "in love" with someone, or I will one day marry someone (not that that seems likely) who I _think _I am in love with but later meet someone else who I actually love and realise the first time wasn't the real deal.


That's where the above learning I mentioned plays a role. You can't really understand the mechanics of all this without experience. You'll have nothing to compare the right person to otherwise. You might mistake lapses in your feelings for the right person as making a mistake, when it's just natural when you're with someone a long time. You might mistake passing crushes for love and think it diminishes your true love relationship and makes it a mistake.



WalkingDisaster said:


> I*.What is the difference between being "in love" with someone, and likeing them a lot?*


The _in love_ I think you're referring to is at the highest end of the continuum. The difference between this feeling (btw _in love_ is a feeling - your brain's drugging you) and lesser feelings involve ...

- you just know they're the one for you. You have no doubts
- you've never known anyone who compares and can't imagine it
- it's as though the universe came into being to give rise to this person
- you mentally worship them, have a long term obsession with them and accept all their flaws
- you want it to last a lifetime and to commit to them 
- it doesn't diminish through distance, including death



WalkingDisaster said:


> *.When you are in love with someone, do you know, or are there often doubts?*


You _know_.



WalkingDisaster said:


> *.If you find your "soul mate" (not that I believe they exist literally, but you know what I mean), how likely is it that the love would fade?*


Too many variables to determine this. If referring to the in love feelings, they naturally fade after a few years but not necessarily to zero by any means.



WalkingDisaster said:


> *.To what extent does the love fade during a long-term relationship (think a marriage that lasts several decades), particularly when people get old (and also, do old people find other old people attractive, particularly their husbands/wives)?*


Love can fade a lot in marriage. It can disappear for years at a time or for good. It depends on the couple. It depends how they communicate and how much quality time they make for each other.

Sex drive and sexual attraction decrease when you're aged but a lot of aged people still have sex.


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## UniversalPolymath (Jun 3, 2011)

Godless1 said:


> Imagine the strongest craving you've ever had in your life, then multiply it by a billion, that's how much you desire someone when you are in love. Just being around this person is like almost overdosing on happy pills. You literally care more for their well-being than you do for your own. All you want is to make them happy. Everything else suddenly loses all significance. You will think about this person all day and all night, and then dream about them when you are asleep.
> 
> All the cliches that you've heard are true. Love is an addiction, it's an obsession, it's a drug, and it makes you crazy.


I suppose this is the case for some people, but "real love" isn't like this necessarily. It's hyperbolic, sugar-coated descriptions of love like this that make people feel like they're missing something, when sometimes, there's nothing there to actually miss.

There's no doubt in my mind I love my partner of six years, but I wouldn't describe a single second of my feelings for her as any of the above. Instead of coming to the conclusion that love can be experienced in a million different ways, as I have, someone else who reads your description might be driven to the potentially disheartening realization that their feelings for their significant other don't _really_ correspond to the thing we call "love".


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

when you say you would die for that person and mean it


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