# Avoiding relationships cause you feel your too messed up?



## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I don't want to be in a relationship for awhile. I feel like my SA is really holding me back. I wanted to go back to school in 2001 and 5 years later, I still never went back. 

I'm not sure anyone would really want to be with me due to my SA and depression. Yes, I do childcare, but most people my age (27) are attending college or are already done, have there own condos, houses, credit cards and cars and have real professions. Even 15 year olds have better jobs then me. :rain


----------



## pumpkin81 (Apr 2, 2006)

Same here. I've had chances to be in relationships but I always felt I would hold them back. I know 'normal' people like going out to clubs or whatever. I try to go out every once in a while, but it's hard. The more I stay inside, the less I feel like going out. I'm 25 and have nothing to be proud of. I tried school, but got screwed over. I tried a few jobs, but couldn't take it. I cried each time like an idiot.

I might have depression, I'm not sure. I don't think guys like a girl with no confidence what so ever. I think I would get on their nerves. I would feel that they like me or say nice things because they feel sorry for me. It's easier to believe the bad stuff then the good I guess.


----------



## brokenlight (Mar 10, 2004)

I'm sort of doing this, too.


----------



## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Often I feel I need to put myself together before thinking of pursuing other endevors like relationships but lately I'm begining to think I am not giving myself enough credit. So now I find myself avoiding things like that mostly out of fear, it's silly.


----------



## Kit (Aug 12, 2006)

Yeah, I don't feel like I should get into a relationship until I'm comfortable with myself and when I say comfortable, I mean accept myself. I'm worried that if I get into a relationship too soon, it won't be long before I get attached and then just become too dependent on the guy. I also really just want to be comfortable in my own skin and be happy with who I am without complicating things with a relationship. I feel like if I'm in one right now, the guy will have to deal with a lot, my low (non existant) self esteem, my lack of confidence, my unwillingness to try/do anything (e.g. go clubbing or go to parties), etc.


----------



## GaryUranga (Apr 22, 2006)

Im working on myself first but, its a good idea to take some "time off"


----------



## JonDalone (Aug 14, 2006)

This board is probably going to be sick of me in a couple of days, I think I'm catching up on months of not posting anything online or talking much to anyone lately. 

The past few months I've been a recluse, avoiding phone calls from the few friends I do go out with some times and spending midnight hours drinking coffee and going to the arcade trying to master different combo moves. 

I might inspire a new geek cult called the Street Fighter Cult that plays Capcom Fighting games at all hours of the day and night. 

This is my only joy in life and the only thing I've recently been interested in or enjoying lately. 

I hate my University, it made me what I am. Drexel University made me into an insomniatic, paranoid sarcastic and heartless beast. 

I'm being an intense recluse insomniatic punching away at joystick controls trying to beat M. Bison for the 32nd time in a row. They say the definition of Insanity is doing something repeatedly in the same manner expecting a different result when you know otherwise. 

Relationships? HAHA. 

HAHAH.

Ha.

I am at my most dysfunctional. I can't talk to someone without including some sarcastic reference or laughing from the feeling that I am about to go insane after being up on red bull for 36 hours straight. 

I don't want to be intamite with anyone. 

Did I even spell that right ? Haha. 

Excuse me I'm hyper off coffee right now. my thoughts aren't linear....

Initmate....

Anyways... I don't want to be intimate with anyone ever. The thought of cuddling with someone makes me want to squirt milk out my nose and punch myself in the gut and vomit up whatever sedatives I've been taking for the day. And then roll over laughing and rinse and repeat.

It's so out of my mind I can't seriously think about even kissing a girl without cracking myself up. 

I've become so dangerously sarcastic and at the same time genuinely cynical that penn and teller along with the creator of seinfeld would fear me, for fear that I would top them at their art and take their precious jobs.

I have so much cynicism in me I have reached the pen-ultimate level of cynicism and sarcasm combined, to the point where it is virtually undetectable unless I want it to be. 

My whole point is saying all this is that needless to say, one cannot be in a "serious" relationship when he is so delirious he laughs from the sight of a cup of chocolate pudding.

I swear recently I just stared at somebody's nesquick pudding and nearly pissed my pants with glee.....

I fear I have permanently lost my presence of mind. My grades have improved as a result of this insanity. Hence I have no complaint.

As long as my grades are good, this will lead to a successful career which will lead to money, which will lead to happiness?

Oh yes it will. The common fallacy is that money is the root of all evil. That is when you use money in excess. I use money in the "proper" way!

I use money to buy sedatives which counteract my insomnia to create a constant state of delirium! This in effect has a psychotic effect on the brain opening my frontal lobes to more education.

In turn education grants me money which grants me sedatives and starts the process all over again! Just like Dharma!

I'm sorry I really wish I could be the type that slowly rots away without someone noticing me. But after having been deluded and disallusioned all these years I seek the truth. The truth is if I'm going down, I'm taking a few people with me.

No this does not mean I will come to the office with an AK-47. I am not a bored hillbilly with nothing else better to do.

This means that anyone else who shows signs of true cyncism will be recruited into my club!

Come one, come all, ride the train of sarcasm and enjoy life to the fullest. Free of charge! Come one come all! 

You see what's funny is I have lost all hope for anything happy or meaningful in this life. All I live for is to be comfortable, in order to be comfortable I have to go to school, so I can make money and live comfortably. 

Hence I'm even more driven than I was before! Because now that the object is something as tangible as money, I can truly achieve it ! Hooray!

Finally, something I can touch and hold, unlike that stupid soulmate concept. **** soulmates! Why not have cold green hard cash? It buys you yummies!

Isn't it great being in Generation XI?

I am soooo sorry for this. I truly am. And I'm not being sarcastic this time. It's just this is the only way I can vent my agony and hypocritcal irony. 

As much as the world is to blame I am to blame as well. And it is my fault that I keep seeing a kitty in the corner of my eye when it is nothing but a pair of socks on the floor.

By God I've gone insane.


----------



## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

I'm definitely not relationship material. I've learned a lot from a past relationship, and being single all these years. I think people deserve the best, and my best just isn't worth all that much. 

Someday, I hope to get my life back on track, but it's very depressing to know that I'm probably going to be single for at least a few more years. 

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to find someone that's as socially retarded as I've become. I know there's other fish in the sea, but my sea is the size of a puddle, which is drying up very quickly.


----------



## Restless Mind (Jul 19, 2006)

JonDalone said:


> This board is probably going to be sick of me in a couple of days, I think I'm catching up on months of not posting anything online or talking much to anyone lately.
> 
> The past few months I've been a recluse, avoiding phone calls from the few friends I do go out with some times and spending midnight hours drinking coffee and going to the arcade trying to master different combo moves.
> 
> ...


That's gold! :nw


----------



## IndigoGirl (Aug 13, 2006)

I feel this way SAgirl. I wouldn't know who'd want to go out with a socially inept, self conscious hermit like myself anyhoo. Besides, my independent and private nature is enough to keep me single. I just feel I have 'too much on my plate' to deal with a relationship. It's just really out of the question and will be for a very long time due to my current circumstances and mentality that i have about myself.


----------



## Squizzy (Dec 21, 2004)

I feel like I'm bogged down with a ton of baggage and most normal people don't deserve to deal with me. Also due to poor self-esteem I'd imagine the pain someone breaking up with me would be devastating. Can't help feeling lonely sometimes though. :stu


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

"I swear recently I just stared at somebody's nesquick pudding and nearly pissed my pants with glee....."

I didn't even know you could make pudding out of Nestle Quik (now called Nesquik? Boy, am I behind times!)

Relationships? 31 and never had one. Can't say I will have one anytme soon.

JonDalone - now I see where you are coming from :lol. What is your major?


----------



## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm content with masturbation for now. That might sound shallow and weird, but.............


----------



## rsvprsvp (Aug 16, 2006)

I married a man with a similar anxiety problem. When I did it I felt it was the best thing in the world - we'd understand each other! He felt the same way too.

9 years later? A bigger mess you couldn't find.


----------



## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

> I'm definitely not relationship material.


 :agree

I mean, I agree about myself. I don't think you could find anyone less suited to a relationship than I...


----------



## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

I'm way too messed up to be with anyone. If you knew me, you would understand. so yeah, i avoid relationships.


----------



## mademoiselle T (Jun 24, 2006)

I also feel too emotionally and socially messed up to pursue a relationship. My plan for the longest time was to try to become socially normal before I have a relationship - I tend to think that if I were to be in a relationship without being "normal" that the relationship would be doomed to fail...but now, I'm starting to rethink my plan. I now feel that if I let too much time slip by, that my chances of finding someone decent (or fitting my standards) would diminish. I think that women have a bigger disadvantage as they grow older, especially once they hit thirty.


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I've been a recluse these past few months too-lately I've sort of been waiting to lose weight before I meet any new people-gives them a better first impression. 

As for a relationship, there's were most of my anxiety lies, so that's (as usual) out of the question...as if I'd have the opportunity in the first place, as it takes two to tango as they say...


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I've been a recluse these past few months too-lately I've sort of been waiting to lose weight before I meet any new people-gives them a better first impression. 

As for a relationship, there's were most of my anxiety lies, so that's (as usual) out of the question...as if I'd have the opportunity in the first place, as it takes two to tango as they say...


----------



## Cherry (May 30, 2006)

I totally think the same way that no one is going to want me because Lord help them if they really knew me but then I think no one is perfect, this is what I am dealt with and that it could be worse. So, chin up! :hug


----------



## JenJen (Aug 12, 2006)

i'm depressed after reading this


----------



## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

rsvprsvp said:


> I married a man with a similar anxiety problem. When I did it I felt it was the best thing in the world - we'd understand each other! He felt the same way too.
> 
> 9 years later? A bigger mess you couldn't find.


So not to make you bring up too much detail but are you saying being with someone else that has SA creates a nightmare? Or are you saing marrying someone who also has SA doesn't guarantee a happy marriage?


----------



## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

JonDalone said:


> This board is probably going to be sick of me in a couple of days, I think I'm catching up on months of not posting anything online or talking much to anyone lately.
> 
> The past few months I've been a recluse, avoiding phone calls from the few friends I do go out with some times and spending midnight hours drinking coffee and going to the arcade trying to master different combo moves.
> 
> ...


Well we are total opposites. The thought of intimacy on a mental, emotional and physical level sounds heavenly but I just don't think there's a woman out there that after a week would have any interest. I've found in the past that women are selective in finding a guy. And these were women I wasn't even interested in. Can't imagine how selective the women that I am interested in are.


----------



## J83 (Aug 19, 2006)

The last series of dates I went on with a girl turned out to be wrecks.Not only that,but she played the field and apparently was dating a couple of guys along with me. My problem is that SA makes me wait until the girl hits on me,which brings the cheating/deceiving girls who are only into sex. 
Call me crazy but I'm looking for more than that,and to get those kinds of girls you have to whoo them or at least approach them,first. Another problem is that I can't even tell how old some of these girls are,anymore.I dont want to accidently hit on a 15 year old,when Im 23. Another problem is that I dont think I have enough income to support a girlfriend.Something tells me I have to well off financially when Im just barely getting by.

But yep,its been a while and Im definately ready,but just can't seem to "Pounce".

At work I get a decent amount of great girls giving me positive signals with the way they talk,and body language. But I usually just stick to business. :flush


----------



## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

mademoiselle T said:


> I also feel too emotionally and socially messed up to pursue a relationship. My plan for the longest time was to try to become socially normal before I have a relationship - I tend to think that if I were to be in a relationship without being "normal" that the relationship would be doomed to fail...but now, I'm starting to rethink my plan. I now feel that if I let too much time slip by, that my chances of finding someone decent (or fitting my standards) would diminish. I think that women have a bigger disadvantage as they grow older, especially once they hit thirty.


Yes, I thought the same for the longest time; deal with the social phobia first before pursing a relationship, otherwise many other issues may arise from that one fundamental problem. For me I even worried about the risk of a potential partner's rejection once they are aware of the SA. I guess it's about finding a balance of how much you can handle in terms of living with social phobia. Not everyone is at the same level... on the forum I've even noticed plenty of SAS members who do have a partner while many others do not. I think for some people being in a relationship can even improve their social anxiety or in the very least make it easier to deal with by having someone that cares in their life.

I also agree about women having a disadvantage as they become older. Ofcourse it depends on circumstance but overall I think men can play the field and succeed at that much more than a female can after reaching a certain age. :lol Still, don't allow that to pressure you into finding a guy... I think it's important to feel like you are able to be in a successful relationship than to force yourself into pursuing one for the wrong reasons... I mean I know not everyone is in a position to think that way after crossing a certain point in their lives... but I guess all I ment was that doing things for yourself instead of based on someone else's expectations would most likely lead to a happier life...


----------



## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

I'm way too self concious about every aspect of me and my life to get involved with anyone, at least at this point. Perhaps it will change with age.


----------



## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

J83 said:


> The last series of dates I went on with a girl turned out to be wrecks.Not only that,but she played the field and apparently was dating a couple of guys along with me. My problem is that SA makes me wait until the girl hits on me,which brings the cheating/deceiving girls who are only into sex.
> Call me crazy but I'm looking for more than that,and to get those kinds of girls you have to whoo them or at least approach them,first. Another problem is that I can't even tell how old some of these girls are,anymore.I dont want to accidently hit on a 15 year old,when Im 23. Another problem is that I dont think I have enough income to support a girlfriend.Something tells me I have to well off financially when Im just barely getting by.
> 
> But yep,its been a while and Im definately ready,but just can't seem to "Pounce".
> ...


This is so true. I have such a hard time with ages. Seems like girls look so mature for their age now, yet older women look so young for their age. Probably the tricks of makeup and modern day bras.


----------



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I'm curious...I've noticed that many of you have mentioned that you have recieved positive signals and attention, but weren't able to respond due to anxiety. What sort of approach should you take if no one has ever hinted at an attraction or given you a positive signal? I guess my question is, how to you make someone interested based on your conversation alone when they aren't attracted to you initially (which is nigh-impossible for me)?


----------



## Mngirl (Jul 13, 2006)

yes, I feel like the only relationship that I will be able to make work is if it is with someone else with SA, or another mental problem...because then we could at least understand eachother


----------



## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

I avoid relationships both because I am screwed up (half of it comes from relationships, believe it or not), and because bipedal-moose-chicken-gargoyles have very, very few realistic dating prospects.


----------



## Kardax (Dec 29, 2004)

I don't consider myself "messed up"... I'm just so different from everyone else that statistically, someone compatible with me won't be born for another 3000 years.

-Ryan


----------



## soundsgood (Nov 7, 2005)

i actually think i'm ready for a serious relationship, simply because i don't feel the need to be in one


----------



## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I'm completely insane. That's not the reason I avoid relationships. I avoid relationships because a) I don't want anyone to touch me, b) I like being left alone most of the time, and c) I don't want to deal with the stress or rejection. 
Not that I _really_ have to worry, because I can't imagine why anyone would try to be in a relationship with me. _They_ would have to be crazier than I am.


----------



## droplet (May 21, 2006)

Pinion said:


> Restless Mind said:
> 
> 
> > That's gold! :nw
> ...


 :ditto

Fun read!


----------



## Redox (Jan 20, 2006)

Inturmal said:


> I'm definitely not relationship material. I've learned a lot from a past relationship, and being single all these years. I think people deserve the best, and my best just isn't worth all that much.
> 
> Someday, I hope to get my life back on track, but it's very depressing to know that I'm probably going to be single for at least a few more years.
> 
> Of course, it's pretty much impossible to find someone that's as socially retarded as I've become. I know there's other fish in the sea, but my sea is the size of a puddle, which is drying up very quickly.


 :ditto And all that stress and rejection, I don't think I can deal with right now.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I dont avoid relationships - they avoid me.


----------



## Message (Sep 20, 2006)

Sometimes I feel that because of my SA, I can't give my all to a relationship. I felt that way about friendships too but over the summer I made great friendships and was with them 24/7... 

Then they went to college and they call me, wanting to talk to me, and for some reason I don't want to talk to them. I don't know why.

I don't give my all at anything but getting what I want, and that realization bothers me a great deal. I've become so selfish trying to give my anxiety what it wants.


----------



## mayblue (Oct 1, 2005)

I AM too messed up to have a healthy relationship, yet if I met a vaguely attractive guy who was willing, I would jump right into a serious relationship, because I'm just as desperate as I was when I jumped into my last crappy relationship.


----------



## mayblue (Oct 1, 2005)

VelvetElvis said:


> I'm curious...I've noticed that many of you have mentioned that you have recieved positive signals and attention, but weren't able to respond due to anxiety. What sort of approach should you take if no one has ever hinted at an attraction or given you a positive signal? I guess my question is, how to you make someone interested based on your conversation alone when they aren't attracted to you initially (which is nigh-impossible for me)?


Maybe you're not very good at picking up signals. Some people seem to be completely blind to signals and hints.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

mayblue said:


> Maybe you're not very good at picking up signals. Some people seem to be completely blind to signals and hints.


*Millenniumman75 raises his hand on that one*
If I tried to start a relationship, I would get dumped or left at the restaurant dinner table by myself.


----------



## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

millenniumman75 said:


> If I tried to start a relationship, I would get dumped or left at the restaurant dinner table by myself.


 :no


----------

