# Taboo Sexual Attraction...



## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Okay so I'm not sure how common or unusual this may be but the longer I'm with my boyfriend of 22 (I am 22 this month) the more I've come to discover my sexual attractions to concepts through fantasies I've not been comfortable engaging in till now. One such fantasy has concerned me especially with how well it does it for me: picturing my boyfriend as his fourteen year old self being seduced by me as I am now. In fact whenever I see a picture of his young self it makes me very aroused and the physical and even personality traits he has now that most attract me are youthful. Its never been a concern for me until now, I haven't been attracted to fourteen year olds since I was fourteen, nor am I attracted to them now, but I can't deny a lot of the traits which are huge turn offs in men for me are rather what make them so adult-like. It's not just large muslces grossing me out, its that my boyfriend's boyish frame having about as much muscle mass as a fifteen year old and him being thin too like he never gained adult weight are so alluring to me. Is there something wrong with me? Does anyone else relate?


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

So you like boyish looking men, no big deal.


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Yea I guess and I'm probably thinking into it too much but what I've really asked myself, not that its relevant bc since being with my boyfriend whom I love, really and truly, I feel nothing, hardly even attraction for anyone else. Nonetheless I've asked myself as a test to be sure I'm not internally some predator: (if I were single and I suppose totally desperate or in some odd situation) would I actually have sex with a fifteen year old? The immediate answer in my head is no for the two most common reasons (for women I suppose): 1 it's wrong 2 the lack of maturity would be the biggest turn off in the world. Hence there's nothing there right? No need to worry? But physically I would be easily attracted enough (to my type, and yes I have very specific physical details needed for attraction) to have sex with them and it would be thrilling if (by chance in this day and age) to experience his first experience of it, you know? Again maybe that's all natural and only more recognized in men with the whole teenage girl fantasy thing but I'm not so sure...


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

^^ yes very similar to the teenage girl fantasy. lol. But yeah I think your ok.


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## ethericbody (Feb 22, 2016)

That's not normal. You might wanna go see a psychiatrist asap.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Jodie94 said:


> Okay so I'm not sure how common or unusual this may be but the longer I'm with my boyfriend of 22 (I am 22 this month) the more I've come to discover my sexual attractions to concepts through fantasies I've not been comfortable engaging in till now. One such fantasy has concerned me especially with how well it does it for me: picturing my boyfriend as his fourteen year old self being seduced by me as I am now. In fact whenever I see a picture of his young self it makes me very aroused and the physical and even personality traits he has now that most attract me are youthful. Its never been a concern for me until now, I haven't been attracted to fourteen year olds since I was fourteen, nor am I attracted to them now, but I can't deny a lot of the traits which are huge turn offs in men for me are rather what make them so adult-like. It's not just large muslces grossing me out, its that my boyfriend's boyish frame having about as much muscle mass as a fifteen year old and him being thin too like he never gained adult weight are so alluring to me. Is there something wrong with me? Does anyone else relate?


I can't personally relate, but I don't think what you're describing sounds sinister. The fact that you are concerned about having predator tendencies indicates you at least have a conscience about it. In essence, even if you did prefer young teenage boys, as long as you didn't pursue them and act on it, then you haven't done anything wrong.


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

were you abused as a child?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Jodie94 said:


> Yea I guess and I'm probably thinking into it too much but what I've really asked myself, not that its relevant bc since being with my boyfriend whom I love, really and truly, I feel nothing, hardly even attraction for anyone else. Nonetheless I've asked myself as a test to be sure I'm not internally some predator: (if I were single and I suppose totally desperate or in some odd situation) would I actually have sex with a fifteen year old? The immediate answer in my head is no for the two most common reasons (for women I suppose): 1 it's wrong 2 the lack of maturity would be the biggest turn off in the world. Hence there's nothing there right? No need to worry? But physically I would be easily attracted enough (to my type, and yes I have very specific physical details needed for attraction) to have sex with them and it would be thrilling if (by chance in this day and age) to experience his first experience of it, you know? *Again maybe that's all natural and only more recognized in men with the whole teenage girl fantasy thing but I'm not so sure..*.


^ yeah it's just more acknowledged among men and less common among women.

I don't think I'm attracted to many guys who look young, and if so I wouldn't say younger than late teens. But I like guys with small frames.

Like this guy:






or like taller (there was actually a better example but he recently died and so I feel too weird posting his image..):


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

My own take on this is:

1. You can't alter your attractions, so it is what it is.
2. Anything that goes on in your mind cannot be immoral since nobody gets hurt
3. Its a fantasy, so it doesn't necessarily indicate much other than what you _might_ like.

If you were _actually_ having sex with 14 year old's it would be a different story, but you aren't so there is zero harm. Where there is zero harm there is zero issue (the only harm here is potentially to yourself if you start beating yourself up about it).

Expect some judgmental comments from this site though.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Perhaps you have Hebephilia or Ephebophilia.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

I don't think this is enough to base a "philia" on personally. She isn't attracted to real 14 year olds and doesn't seem to be attracted to that age bracket in general, it seems specifically related to her boyfriend as imagined at that age and in fantasy. I wouldn't be quick to place a label on this, esp one of those labels.

It might also just be transitory and it be largely based on the taboo part of it (and its still ultimately fantasy).


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Good points, thanks! I do feel a bit better, if only bc I didn't recieve any outraged responses... if there is one thing that my own crazy sexual mind has taught me is that sexuality is sooo incredibly complicated and diverse that categorizing it can sometimes be impossible. However actions mean everything and I never would act on such fantasies for moral reasons. Just wish I could hear from another woman who has experienced the same, but all responses are appreciated!


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Nope, though I'm fairly certain another child engaged in experimentation with me, or tried to at a very young age and I believe she was abused or disturbed in some way.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

splendidbob said:


> I don't think this is enough to base a "philia" on personally. She isn't attracted to real 14 year olds and isn't attracted to that age bracket in general, it seems specifically related to her boyfriend as imagined at that age and in fantasy. I wouldn't be quick to place a label on this, esp one of those labels.
> 
> It might just be transitory and it might be largely based on the taboo part of it (and its still ultimately fantasy).


I don't think it's a big deal to have these though. Looks wise they're attracted to the teen look. Better to acknowledge that part than deny. They said the only main turn off is it's wrong, and the immaturity (of teenagers). Many people live with these tendencies and attractions but don't act on it in an illegal way. Anyway I don't really know, but I'm just going off what was said.


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## Wings of Amnesty (Aug 5, 2015)

Given how recent this discovery of yours is, I suspect you're developing an attraction for boyish looking guys _because_ your boyfriend happens to be boyish looking and you just like him. Were you turned off by manly men before you started dating him?


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Rains said:


> Perhaps you have Hebephilia or Ephebophilia.


I'm fairly certain I don't, mostly that I just appreciate boyish qualities in men. I guess I don't know for sure but I have no intention of finding out.


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

Wings of Amnesty said:


> Given how recent this discovery of yours is, I suspect you're developing an attraction for boyish looking guys _because_ your boyfriend happens to be boyish looking and you just like him. Were you turned off by manly men before you started dating him?


Yes I've always been turned off by very adult-type traits (they're hard to explain), yet appreciated maturity of the mind and personality and have had crushes on older men since being a teenager, however they always had youthful looks and there are specific youthful physical traits of boys I once had crushes on that I still think back to and appreciate so I don't know! T_T


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## DistraughtOwl (Mar 1, 2014)

I can definitely understand you. I'm very attracted to young looking girls with a smaller physique however I'm not attracted to teenage girls or anything. Physically maybe but that's it.


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

LichtLune said:


> I can definitely understand you. I'm very attracted to young looking girls with a smaller physique however I'm not attracted to teenage girls or anything. Physically maybe but that's it.


Thanks! Nice to hear someone relate


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

You're not attracted to buff men. You prefer your men to not have muscles? I don't find muscles attractive on women, but there are plenty of guys who are turned on by them. To each their own. Guys like having muscles because it makes them feel strong and protective. They want to take care of their woman.


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## JustThisGuy (Mar 24, 2012)

Yeah, you seem fine. You like traits which seem youthful. OOoo. Lock her up.


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## Untermensch (Mar 8, 2016)

Kevin001 said:


> So you like boyish looking men, no big deal.


If I wanted to date your sister, daughter, cousin, and I fantasized about having sex with them as a 14 year old girl, suddenly you'd get mangina-whiteknightlike about it and tell me its not okay.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Untermensch said:


> If I wanted to date your sister, daughter, cousin, and I fantasized about having sex with them as a 14 year old girl, suddenly you'd get mangina-whiteknightlike about it and tell me its not okay.


You're confusing me, lol. Um, if you wanted to date a family member of mine I wouldn't care how you fantasized as long as they were 18+. Everyone has preferences and fetishes as long as you're not doing anything illegal I don't care.


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## Untermensch (Mar 8, 2016)

Kevin001 said:


> You're confusing me, lol. Um, if you wanted to date a family member of mine I wouldn't care how you fantasized as long as they were 18+. Everyone has preferences and fetishes as long as you're not doing anything illegal I don't care.


ok :smile2:


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Your tastes may change with time. 

Psychologically, maybe you don't want to grow up. Maybe there was a boy you liked when you were 13 and youthful looking men trigger that memory. 

Don't take a school teacher job


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

AngelClare said:


> Your tastes may change with time.
> 
> Psychologically, maybe you don't want to grow up. Maybe there was a boy you liked when you were 13 and youthful looking men trigger that memory.
> 
> * Don't take a school teacher job *


Heh. Funny you should mention that. I've talked before about my ex-wife, and how she was fired (well, they demanded her resignation) from being a hs English teacher because she was sleeping with students. She went through a phase I guess...it was one after another. While she was still married to me, ffs. She was 40 years old and actually sleeping with boys that were under 18 years of age.

To the OP I don't think there's anything "wrong" with that fantasy at all as long as, like you said, you don't act on it.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Heh. Funny you should mention that. I've talked before about my ex-wife, and how she was fired (well, they demanded her resignation) from being a hs English teacher because she was sleeping with students. She went through a phase I guess...it was one after another. While she was still married to me, ffs. She was 40 years old and actually sleeping with boys that were under 18 years of age.
> 
> To the OP I don't think there's anything "wrong" with that fantasy at all as long as, like you said, you don't act on it.


Wow. That must have been embarrassing.

I don't get it, I thought you and and your ex-wife had sex every day when you were married?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

AngelClare said:


> Wow. That must have been embarrassing.
> 
> I don't get it, I thought you and and your ex-wife had sex every day when you were married?


We did, until the beginning of the end. I found out later on, that before I found out she was sleeping around...she would actually sleep with them and then come home and sleep with me. Yeah. (I've since been tested for every STD on the planet, and somehow it all came back negative thank God). Then when things went south, we were still living under the same roof but barely even speaking to each other. After I found out about all of it and confronted her, I still didn't want to give up on the marriage. I wanted to try to "save" what I could for our kids. Which, looking back that was the absolute worst thing I could have ever done. I should have gotten out of there and divorced her as quickly as I could, but no, I thought our marriage could be saved. But there was nothing left to save, lol. I just didn't want to lose my kids. But I didn't realize I had already lost everything.

Yeah I guess it was embarrassing for her. When things got really ugly and she kept me from seeing my own children, I actually threatened her with all the evidence I had (of her affairs). So....when she still kept me from seeing my kids....I told everyone about it. I mean....everyone. I went to the president of the school board with all of it, late one Friday afternoon after she kept my kids from me. And the next Monday morning they asked for her resignation before classes started. I told my kids about the affairs. I know some may disagree with my decision to do that, but I have my reasons for doing it. I told all her friends about it. I talked about it on fb.

And then the woman finally, finally came to her senses, and let me see my kids. She doesn't mess with me too much anymore, lol. When things get ugly, I will occasionally have to remind her I still have all this evidence, and she will stop walking all over me.

I've left out a whole, whole lot of details. When I say things got ugly....I mean it....things got _*really*_ ugly. I did what I did totally as a last resort. I warned her over and over again that I was going to do it. And she told me to go to hell...she said she didn't believe me. So. I feel like I had no other choice. She's a smart woman, but she really lacks common sense. She makes some really stupid ****** decisions. Which worries me, because she's the mother of my children, and she's the custodial parent.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Buckyx said:


> 14 year old boys lol, dat pedophilia confession


The word is "pederasty" if puberty has been reached.

Keep it over 18......ask for ID.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Buckyx said:


> I bet its still illegal in most countries


Oh yeah, it is illegal; it just has a different name. Most people (even native speakers) don't know this!

We just had a guy who was the spokesperson for sandwiches sentenced to prison for gettin' wit underage ladies. They were, like 14 to 16 years old.

Sick.


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## ChillyBlizzard (Mar 11, 2016)

Gotta say, yeah, I can relate. I'm most attracted to women who look very youthful and petite. There's just something about feeling like a much wiser, maturer protector that makes me comfortable. That said, if you're bothered by an attraction to teenagers, I'd not worry too much about it. Feeling a certain way and acting a certain way are very different. Some things are better left to fantasy, and that's alright.


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## 9872 (Apr 1, 2016)

Jodie94 said:


> Okay so I'm attracted to fourteen year olds & @9872. Does anyone else relate?


k..


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## Jodie94 (Mar 8, 2016)

9872 said:


> k..


Oh 98, so silly.


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## 9872 (Apr 1, 2016)

Jodie94 said:


> Oh 98, so sexy.<3


Thanks


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## 629753 (Apr 7, 2015)

Jodie94 said:


> Yea I guess and I'm probably thinking into it too much but what I've really asked myself, not that its relevant bc since being with my boyfriend whom I love, really and truly, I feel nothing, hardly even attraction for anyone else. Nonetheless I've asked myself as a test to be sure I'm not internally some predator: (if I were single and I suppose totally desperate or in some odd situation) would I actually have sex with a fifteen year old? The immediate answer in my head is no for the two most common reasons (for women I suppose): 1 it's wrong 2 the lack of maturity would be the biggest turn off in the world. Hence there's nothing there right? No need to worry? But physically I would be easily attracted enough (to my type, and yes I have very specific physical details needed for attraction) to have sex with them and it would be thrilling if (by chance in this day and age) to experience his first experience of it, you know? Again maybe that's all natural and only more recognized in men with the whole teenage girl fantasy thing but I'm not so sure...


Hey Im 16, Im pretty close.

Im just kidding hahah


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## 629753 (Apr 7, 2015)

millenniumman75 said:


> Oh yeah, it is illegal; it just has a different name. Most people (even native speakers) don't know this!
> 
> We just had a guy who was the spokesperson for sandwiches sentenced to prison for gettin' wit underage ladies. They were, like 14 to 16 years old.
> 
> Sick.


But if it was the other way around, I admit, I wouldnt even mind. Call it double standards, I call it different people.


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

I suppose if you start feeling 'things' for random 14 year olds you pass on the street, it would be cause for concern, but I think this is much different than that. I reckon you've already had sexual relations with your boyfriend. The feelings/fantasy is thus related to HIM moreso than it is related to a 14 year old boy thing...and I suppose the 'teacher/student' thing is probably a popular fantasy anyways. Shrug. When I was younger I used to fantasize about an older chick coming to live at our house for a summer and 'teaching me' the ropes. I bet if you had no idea who your boyfriend was and you saw the picture, you'd probably not think anything at all, right?


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## BeHereNow (Jun 1, 2011)

As a bi guy who was socially isolated most of my life I can relate. I've talked to my therapist about it and she said it seems to be a case of arrested development which makes sense to me.

Its like mentally and emotionally I was always behind. I never got to have any kind of intimate experience as a teenager and now I never will so sometimes I find myself ruminating over how I wish I could be a teenager again.

I would never act on it for moral and legal reasons but I have come to accept these attractions hoping the attractions continue to evolve with age as has been the case for me over the years thankfully.

Its silly but I sometimes wish we could all stay adolescent-like with that silk-smooth skin and hair, non-hairy chest, subtle curves/muscles, bright eyes and innocently naive positive outlook on life unburdened by the cares of our over-complicated society. (Sorry for generalizing and stereotyping or TMI)

I think more people are attracted to teenagers than we'll ever know but some won't admit it even to themselves, some can't accept it and then there are those selfish *******s who don't give a **** and act on it and that is NOT ok.

I've reached the point where I accept it as a look but don't touch thing and remain optimistic that my tastes will continue to evolve with age. But even looking can provoke guilt because it is a form of lust which is bad in excess but then again I am only human and not nearly as lustful as many but still...

The one moral quandary I find myself in is those damn threads on certain popular forums where people post their favorite (mainly male) pictures featuring nothing illegal but lots of "shirtlessness" like some high school swim team or something.

Its nothing illegal, no nudity or porn but I keep finding myself there admiring the beauty of some 16 year old guy, for example, on the highschool swim team or some girl in a bikini but then there are times I feel guilty about even that.

For me the one remedy that worked is the nofap thing (even just for a week or 2) because after that my homones are so jacked up and my brain is reset so much that I can just pick up the latest sports illustrated swimsuit edition and get of to that (after the nofap is over.)

Its a great reset and I highly reccomend it. I'm a strong believer in our ability to shift our focus in a more positive way and overcome our flaws or at least steer them toward something more positive it just takes alot of willpower and faith but I do believe it is possible to retrain the brain.


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## Explorer5 (May 25, 2016)

BeHereNow said:


> As a bi guy who was socially isolated most of my life I can relate. I've talked to my therapist about it and she said it seems to be a case of arrested development which makes sense to me.
> 
> Its like mentally and emotionally I was always behind. I never got to have any kind of intimate experience as a teenager and now I never will so sometimes I find myself ruminating over how I wish I could be a teenager again.


I'm exactly the same way. Also, I was obsessed with girls when I was like in kindergarten/2nd grade--not in an outright sexual way but in a "they're so cute like kittens" kind of way, and wasn't liked at all back, which probably adds to my arrested development.



BeHereNow said:


> Its silly but I sometimes wish we could all stay adolescent-like with that silk-smooth skin and hair, non-hairy chest, subtle curves/muscles, bright eyes and innocently naive positive outlook on life unburdened by the cares of our over-complicated society. (Sorry for generalizing and stereotyping or TMI)


I don't think that's silly at all--in fact I often think of adulthood as a genetic defect, haha. I'm kind of into transhumanism, and I long for the day when this is possible--when we can stay silky-smooth, hairless and bright-eyed for life.

I don't know if I would advocate the way you seem to be trying to handle this, which it seems like is to kind of "bottle up" your desire until you release it on any object that is available. From what I understand, that's when people "snap" and do things they later regret.

I personally admire (legal, of course) pictures of people--adults as well as younger people--who have the qualities you are describing, and while I've learned I can't discuss my needs with just any person I meet in the world, I'm grateful to have places like this board where I can. I hope that being on here will result in me meeting a woman like the OP, with whom I can live in a playful, innocent relationship and don't have to hide this. I know she has a boyfriend, but there must be others like her out there who don't.


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## Cereal Killer (Apr 21, 2016)

Are you a man or woman? A lot of gay men are attracted to boyish looking men, so that would explain it if you're a man. You're gender says fluid. I have no clue what that means.


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## duganrm (Apr 8, 2016)

I didn't know she was Fluid. Does that mean she goes back and forth from woman to man? I am pretty sure she is a woman but I have never seen all of her.... the fluid comment has me wondering now...


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## DistraughtOwl (Mar 1, 2014)

I'm sometimes really attracted to girls 15-18. They're also more likely to reply to messages and things when they're younger because they haven't let male attention get to their heads as much yet. At least that's what it seems like sometimes. Anyway I do have much better conversations with girls around my age when they actually talk with me though.


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## zubie (May 27, 2016)

There's always a reason. It's psychological and not just based on things you see on tv. 
Think back on what stress is going on in your life when these things are coming up the most.


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

sounds normal to me, at least you are one of the few females to admit it, would I prefer a 40 year old married woman with kids who is out of shape or a young female with a sexy body, it's not a hard one, sometimes I fantasize being a certain age and having an older sister (don't have any in real life) and her doing sexual things to me and getting aroused by it, you being attracted to boys or fantasizing about them, that's okay, you got my respect, I wish I had a sister like you back then, oh hell yeah


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## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

Interesting


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## Cereal Killer (Apr 21, 2016)

duganrm said:


> I didn't know she was Fluid. Does that mean she goes back and forth from woman to man? I am pretty sure she is a woman but I have never seen all of her.... the fluid comment has me wondering now...


Please explain what a fluid gender is OP. Thanks! &#128516;


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Cereal Killer said:


> Are you a man or woman? A lot of gay men are attracted to boyish looking men, so that would explain it if you're a man. You're gender says fluid. I have no clue what that means.


the perception of lost youth.

Fluid would mean "anything one feels he lacks that he sees in the other person"


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## BeHereNow (Jun 1, 2011)

Explorer5 said:


> I'm exactly the same way. Also, I was obsessed with girls when I was like in kindergarten/2nd grade--not in an outright sexual way but in a "they're so cute like kittens" kind of way, and wasn't liked at all back, which probably adds to my arrested development.
> 
> I don't think that's silly at all--in fact I often think of adulthood as a genetic defect, haha. I'm kind of into transhumanism, and I long for the day when this is possible--when we can stay silky-smooth, hairless and bright-eyed for life.
> 
> ...


Perhaps you have an important point about the bottling up thing. It may not be good for some people who might "snap" as you say so I do not want to advocate it for anyone.

Its just that for me, personally, it didn't feel repressing to do the no-fap thing but for someone else it might be a very bad idea.

Its not that I want to repress my desires but give my system a chance to renew itself in a way, to lower my level of dependence on the external stimuli that so many of us have become dependent on to an almost unhealthy degree.

I do not recommend this for people who are around the kind of triggers irl that might cause a regretful decision but for me I noticed a real boost in confidence, reduction of anxiety and even a little more energy when I took a "screen break" with no computer or television and no fantasy (except for reading some good books and listening to radio, reading an writing)

I find a benefit from removing myself from technology for a while as well as from any sensual fantasy. People with a higher need for stimulation may not have the same success but a feel that, as a whole, it is all too easy, especially for people with social anxiety, to use the internet, social media etc. as a sort of crutch to avoid the existential void we are faced with when we remove excess sensory stumulation for a period of time.

I DO NOT RECCOMEND IT FOR EVERYONE but for me it forced me to face certain realities I had been hiding from and to confront my reality. It also made me more creative and all the reading and writing I was doing instead improved my attention span and boosted my creativity.

But I can't say that it worked in the long run because when I came back online I did see the old patterns slowly start to come back.

I admit that although I have read a little about it I don't know enough about transhumanism to have an intelligent conversation about it but it seems to me that there is so much promise and so much danger in many of these new and futuristic technologies but if they are used safely then maybe in the future it will be possible to do some interesting and amazing things.

You do have a good point about the potential of using a forum like this to potentially meet other adults who are similar in some way and who knows what will be possible in the future.

For me, I have noticed that by getting out in real life and interacting more (still not enough but more) with real people who are my age things have gradually gotten "better" (as in closer to something that could translate to reality) and perhaps time itself plays a role.

For example, when I was 19, I could rarely if ever find attraction toward the people who were my age, and although this continues to this day I now find myself much more often attracted to people closer to my age and definitely in the legal 18-23 college age range which gives me much more hope of eventually finding someone in real life who is of age and able to satisfy my desires.

Yes there is still a gap between parts of my fantasy world and what can actually happen in reality but I have to say that, thankfully, this gap is closing more and more each year especially since I have come to better understand, accept and work on all the different challenges I face and these forums definately give me many ideas of techniques other people have used to overcome their social troubles.

Anyway thanks for responding to me and sharing your own stuff. It really does help me feel less alienated.


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## Explorer5 (May 25, 2016)

BeHereNow said:


> For example, when I was 19, I could rarely if ever find attraction toward the people who were my age, and although this continues to this day I now find myself much more often attracted to people closer to my age and definitely in the legal 18-23 college age range which gives me much more hope of eventually finding someone in real life who is of age and able to satisfy my desires.


With me it's been precisely the opposite. At 19 I had just started college and, while I didn't have girlfriends, it was more because I was so down about life in general because of my chronic illness (which started between 15 and 16) that I wouldn't have been that receptive to attention anyway. And between 15 and 18 or so I wasn't really desperate to find anyone. I did have one crush, more like obsession, in that period that wasn't mutual and that really upset me, but it wasn't that I was trying to date other people and got rejected.

It was around 22 that I really started to feel like I wasn't attracted to the people around me because their level of experience made them seem "too old". And since then it's only gotten worse, because every "wrong" woman I meet makes the type I'm looking for seem rarer and rarer. In the past 9 years there are very few women I've had any interest in, and even those it likely was because they seemed more innocent than they actually were.

The closest was a 19-year-old who had grown up in a small town and never done more than hold hands with a boy until she got to college. Had I met her maybe a year before, she would likely have still been at that level of experience (though that wouldn't change that I wasn't her type). But when even the "near misses" seem rare, it leads you to wonder how rare the "hits" will be.


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## BeHereNow (Jun 1, 2011)

Explorer5 said:


> With me it's been precisely the opposite. At 19 I had just started college and, while I didn't have girlfriends, it was more because I was so down about life in general because of my chronic illness (which started between 15 and 16) that I wouldn't have been that receptive to attention anyway. And between 15 and 18 or so I wasn't really desperate to find anyone. I did have one crush, more like obsession, in that period that wasn't mutual and that really upset me, but it wasn't that I was trying to date other people and got rejected.
> 
> It was around 22 that I really started to feel like I wasn't attracted to the people around me because their level of experience made them seem "too old". And since then it's only gotten worse, because every "wrong" woman I meet makes the type I'm looking for seem rarer and rarer. In the past 9 years there are very few women I've had any interest in, and even those it likely was because they seemed more innocent than they actually were.
> 
> The closest was a 19-year-old who had grown up in a small town and never done more than hold hands with a boy until she got to college. Had I met her maybe a year before, she would likely have still been at that level of experience (though that wouldn't change that I wasn't her type). But when even the "near misses" seem rare, it leads you to wonder how rare the "hits" will be.


I was always at least a couple years emotionally behind my age for my entire life due to mostly self imposed isolation and being antisocial/not knowing how to socialize. (In high school I built my whole identity on being a loner and believed I didn't need anyone else to be happy.) Of course this was after being excluded by everyone for years.

I grew up in a suburban town that is very easy to stay isolated in and sadly I have never managed to leave this town for long enough to get on my own 2 feet. My first time even "trying" was when I was 17 and I kind of gave up for the most part after being rejected by this girl I had a crush on all throughout highschool but never really talked to. I knew her but never socialized with her or her circle of friends.

Freshman year of college was hell. I was made fun of and eventually isolated myself until I was having the worst social anxiety of my life. I couldn't make it through that year and had to leave.

Things were a little better around the age of 22 when I still had a small circle of friends (well mostly friends of friends.) It was nice just to be around people more often but still no luck in the sex/relationship department.

These days I have only one friend who I actually hang out with from time to time. We chill and watch movies/play video games but thats about it.

So these days I'm just trying to force myself to talk to people wherever I am even if its just 10 seconds of bull****. The more I get out and the less I isolate myself (especially into the wormhole that is the internet) the less awkward it is.

My social skills are so lacking that I probably won't even try to talk to women (or guys if I'm embracing my gay side) until I make some actual progress with my social skills which seem to come naturally to most people.

I accept that this is my reality but I am not content to stay this way. One of my main goals now is to find a group of people in real life who have SOMETHING in common with me, anything because, at least where I live and with my social-phobic tendencies I know I have to push myself and get uncomfortable before I am going to make any meaningful progress.

Still I am optimistic because I truly believe that, for me, the best is yet to come. I am done dreading the big 30 and instead I look forward to what could be the best decade of my life. Perhaps as I get older things will only get easier but I know its gonna take a lot of practice.

I am still far behind socially/emotionally but for every 2 years that go by I probably advance a year in my emotional age so I don't think this condition has to remain frozen in time for any of us who are willing to keep going forward.

Anyway sorry if I'm rambling, I just wanted to share more of my background and how I got to where I am today and what my hopes for the future are.

To everyone else struggling socially I wish you the best and I hope we are all able to continue to help each other out so we can all live to the fullest potential we have.


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