# "I'm not a hot girl"



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

So I was on Imgur and I received a random message from some random guy. One of the first things I said was 'I'm not a hot girl' because I believe in being upfront about it so that they don't get their hopes up.

What do you guys think about saying such a thing? Would you feel insulted that I'd immediately assumed you were messaging for sexual reasons, or would you be glad that you hadn't wasted your time wondering?

I'm already aware that I overexplain my flaws to people as soon as we start talking, for this exact reason, but I've never actually considered the other person's feelings on the matter.

ETA: My exact words were "If you're looking for a hot girl you're gonna be severely disappointed." Does that make it better?


----------



## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Depends on the content of the message. If somebody you don't know sends you a generic message that doesn't include that they're deeply intrigued by your photos or have some other reason to message, do/say whatever you like without guilt. I'd assume it was spam and immediately block them, personally.

I can't really imagine myself being the sender, but I'd think the sender has to know people will think they're either spamming or flirting, and that both are frequently unwelcome.


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I generally prefer more honest communications over BS so whatever people have to say, they should probably just say it. It might be insulting or it might be flattering or it might not have any impact at all. Doesn't matter. Time is fairly worthless to someone like me but some people value their time more than anything. Might as well not waste it.


----------



## Act to fall (Apr 15, 2017)

I didn't realize people used imgur that way. I don't think that's a good way to start a conversation, if he wasn't hitting on you then you've basically freaked him out and killed any chance of conversation.


----------



## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

I'd be glad to be talking to an honest person.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I've just realised who your avatar is... I don't listen to their music but I follow him and another member of his band on twitter I think. I did not recognise him.

Sorry this is off topic I don't know anything about imgur I just go there to quickly upload stuff to post elsewhere.


----------



## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@TheWelshOne

I would be wondering, why are you putting yourself down? 

As said in the past, you are a beautiful person.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I've just realised who your avatar is... I don't listen to their music but I follow him and another member of his band on twitter I think. I did not recognise him.
> 
> Sorry this is off topic I don't know anything about imgur I just go there to quickly upload stuff to post elsewhere.


I had a feeling you'd know.  Honestly don't know anything about him (barring that he's in a band), aside from the gazillion pics I've seen on Pinterest. :serious:


----------



## HenDoggy (Jul 26, 2014)

If i didn't come on to you I'll be like "WTF!?" It's kinda weird to put that ina msg if he's not like "Babe what's yo digits so I can get on dat?" In his first msg.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

I guess I've seen too many stories of women who get flirty messages from random guys. There isn't even a gender tag on Imgur, but I'm aware that many guys will just message anyone they think sounds female. I figure it's less awkward for everyone if I make it clear I'm not what they're looking for.


----------



## Zatch (Apr 28, 2013)

I don't quite see where that became any of his business, so it sounds pointless. Almost reads as though you're afraid of him judging for himself, provided things even went that far.


----------



## Svarog11 (Jul 15, 2016)

That's not being upfront as much as it's being in his face with your own personal issues (insecurity). Even if there is genuine cause for you to feel this way, nobody likes someone who sees themselves like that. If I was in this guy's shoes, the best way I can describe it is, I don't want to be treated in this way myself, that is, being called ugly and I wouldn't want my friends, romantic partners or just people I associate in general to be treated this way, either. By saying that, so out of the blue and upfront, you kind of are, in a way, treating yourself poorly, so you come off as insecure, negative, unattractive (since you said it yourself) and frankly, self-absorbed. I've been there myself and I still have an extremely low opinion of myself but I don't share it with other people anymore, at least, not to the extent I did before. One reason is that there is simply so much more to do and talk about than me and my appearance, that upon self-reflecting a bit I realized I was being very selfish talking about it with other people out of the blue. So it's more than "overexpalaining" flaws IMHO. This comment probably comes off as a little rude but its 4 am and I can't rewrite it rn, that's just my onion though


----------



## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

I never assume that a guy who messages me out of the blue is flirting with me (even though I know many guys online are like this) unless he makes it crystal clear; I figure I'll be insulting him if I assume he's interested. This is because the one time a guy DID make it clear he was interested in me that way--he suddenly appeared in the middle of a conversation I was having with someone else on a message board, chatted me up a bit about a supposedly shared interest, then out of nowhere hit me with, "Hey, we have a lot in common, we should hook up sometime!"--and I politely turned him down, he got* incredibly* offended, called me stupid for being unable to take a joke ("You live in Michigan and I live in Texas, did you really think I was being serious??"), and then vanished from the message board just as quickly as he'd appeared.

So...yeah. :serious: Don't want to go through that again.

I've had people, including guys, message me out of the blue, but it's almost always because they say they consider me "interesting" and would like to correspond. My equivalent to your response is to tell them I'm anxious and boring. They insist that they understand shyness ( :roll ) and that I'm not boring at all. Until we correspond for a little bit and then they realize I was telling the truth. Usually we just fall out of touch when they get tired of me, though once in a while they get kind of angry and passive-aggressive like I misled them somehow, and THEN fall out of touch.

So our circumstances are somewhat different, but yes, I know the value of telling such people the truth right at the start. Just too bad they don't always buy it. :/

ETA, also, I had no clue there was private messaging on Imgur before now. :um Good thing I don't share anything there.


----------



## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

I think its better to be fairly honest about your looks. If a guy goes on a date with you then he'll know what to expect and its more likely to be a success.


----------



## Twilightforce (Aug 7, 2016)

What if he just wants a friend? Maybe someone who listens.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

ANX1 said:


> As said in the past, you are a beautiful person.


But I'm not a hot girl. There are many beautiful people in the world - a great number of them are men - and very few are hot girls. With the best will in the world, I will never be the hot girl that guys online seem to imagine when they send out random messages and dick pics. (I would assume; I've never had any) I've also seen enough posts online to realise that the guys that do send random messages/dick pics get very aggressive and angry when you don't meet their standards.

Besides which, I'd hate for some guy to talk to me, fall for my personality and then realise he's not physically attracted to me. That would be horrible for both of us.


----------



## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@*TheWelshOne*

Oh, ok. :sigh


----------



## TheInvisibleHand (Sep 5, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> There are many beautiful people in the world - a great number of them are men - and very few are hot girls. .


----------



## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

Well unfortunately, not all of us can be considered physically hot. I wish I was 6 ft tall, had broad shoulders, and had a smooth and attractive face, but I don't. I'm just a short scrawny guy with aspergers who would be lucky to even match with 10 girls on Tinder (who weren't bots) and theres nothing I can do about my height or disability not to mention i'd have to eat like a hungry hungry hippo 24/7 just to put on 5 pounds. 

It's easy to feel sad and even harder to accept yourself for who you are and let go of the things you can't change. You can spend years feeling bad. 

Instead of focusing on the things you can't change, focus on the things you can change. If you feel like you're out of shape, then why not hit the gym and eat better? If your clothes selection is absolute sht, then start wearing better clothes. If you're shy and awkward, then watch youtube videos. If you're alone and isolated, then volunteer somewhere. 

A lot of things are mental, if you can learn to master your brain and mental state, then you can do almost anything.

And at the end of the day, there's always someone worse off than you.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

xxDark Horse said:


> Well unfortunately, not all of us can be considered physically hot. I wish I was 6 ft tall, had broad shoulders, and had a smooth and attractive face, but I don't. I'm just a short scrawny guy with aspergers who would be lucky to even match with 10 girls on Tinder (who weren't bots) and theres nothing I can do about my height or disability not to mention i'd have to eat like a hungry hungry hippo 24/7 just to put on 5 pounds.
> 
> It's easy to feel sad and even harder to accept yourself for who you are and let go of the things you can't change. You can spend years feeling bad.
> 
> ...


I'm not entirely sure you read my original post. But thank you, I'm aware I can change things about myself and I'm attempting to do so.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

TheInvisibleHand said:


>


Not entirely sure why I'm bothering to reply to this but I'll try anyway.

Beautiful people, the kind ANX1 is talking about, are everywhere. Inner beauty doesn't need gender restrictions. And the amount of genuinely hot people in the world is very small.


----------



## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

TheInvisibleHand said:


>


Rofl.


----------



## ljubo (Jul 26, 2015)

yes i would feel insulted.

females always think that guys only want sex, but many guys only want to talk or be friends.


----------



## ljubo (Jul 26, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> But I'm not a hot girl. There are many beautiful people in the world - a great number of them are men - and very few are hot girls. With the best will in the world, I will never be the hot girl that guys online seem to imagine when they send out random messages and dick pics. (I would assume; I've never had any) I've also seen enough posts online to realise that the guys that do send random messages/dick pics get very aggressive and angry when you don't meet their standards.
> 
> Besides which, I'd hate for some guy to talk to me, fall for my personality and then realise he's not physically attracted to me. That would be horrible for both of us.


you are hot


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

ljubo said:


> yes i would feel insulted.
> 
> females always think that guys only want sex, but many guys only want to talk or be friends.





ljubo said:


> you are hot


----------



## ljubo (Jul 26, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


>


what? giving a complimang = want to ****? no .


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

ljubo said:


> what? giving a complimang = want to ****? no .


You have no way to gauge my supposed hotness. And you wouldn't tell a guy he was hot, randomly.


----------



## ljubo (Jul 26, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> And you wouldn't tell a guy he was hot, randomly.


I already did that many times.


----------



## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

TheWelshOne said:


> Besides which, I'd hate for some guy to talk to me, fall for my personality and then realise he's not physically attracted to me. That would be horrible for both of us.


This can be (not always) avoided by sending very unflattering photos very early on.


----------



## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Every girl has potential to be a hot girl. 

This difference is in your attitude.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

If they are spamming, better to just ignore. That usually means they are desperate and/or trying to stick it into anything that moves.


----------



## Recipe For Disaster (Jun 8, 2010)

not every guy is looking for a hot girl, you dont need to assume they are. some guys just want to chat and some guys are actually interested in talking to females for reasons other than their physical attractveness believe it or not.


----------



## Moxi (Nov 24, 2015)

If most guys message you looking to hook up (which, when it's a random message, they are), I think it's reasonable to *politely *cover your own hind end.

You're not obligated to spend your time entertaining the unlikely alternatives to protect a fragile ego. Maybe they get offended and storm off. Maybe they just say _hey, that's not what I came for let's just talk about Harry Potter_ or whatever, and life goes on. Either way, the woman saves a lot of time and discomfort in my eyes.

I've questioned this mentality several times in my life, and immediately regretted it as my suspicions were confirmed. I trust my gut and my experience. What's politically correct and what's actually correct aren't always the same.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

Moxi said:


> Maybe they get offended and storm off. Maybe they just say _hey, that's not what I came for let's just talk about Harry Potter_ or whatever, and life goes on.


Funnily enough, the guy this thread was about did just say 'I'm not looking for anything, just thought your comments sounded like we could get along.' We're not talking *much* so far, but there's so much less pressure knowing he's not trying to get in the pants of a hot girl.

But as the overwhelming opinion seems to be 'Don't say it' I guess from now on I'll take my chances and see what happens. If anyone messages me, ofc. It's very rare, which is why it's taken me this long to make a thread of such a basic question.


----------



## SorryForMyEnglish (Oct 9, 2014)

Imo, **** them. If they police your words like that then they don't worth a conversation, I think. And when they do that for the sake of it while they could just not to message you at all and forget it... It's just.. ugh. I even ''dated'' a guy who was constantly policing what I said because it didn't fit his idealised image of a female he wanted to see as his girlfriend. He'd insult me and do other horrible things just because of that and also because I have my own feelings. This will fit it best as well as the ''hotness'' part of it: https://www.theguardian.com/technol...-build-world-first-sex-robot?CMP=share_btn_tw He'll be the happiest man of the world as well as many other guys


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

If the person seemed to want a ''hot girl'', then yeah, you were right to clarify. If you automatically assumed that's all he wanted, not cool.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> If the person seemed to want a ''hot girl'', then yeah, you were right to clarify. If you automatically assumed that's all he wanted, not cool.


OK, you're on a site and you see some comments you like. You assume the person posting is female and send them a message. What do you hope to get out of that interaction?

Is there no chance at all you're thinking 'Man, this could be a dating opportunity'? In which case, would it not upset you if this person turned out to be unattractive and/or not even female?


----------



## Moxi (Nov 24, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> Funnily enough, the guy this thread was about did just say 'I'm not looking for anything, just thought your comments sounded like we could get along.' We're not talking *much* so far, but there's so much less pressure knowing he's not trying to get in the pants of a hot girl.
> 
> But as the overwhelming opinion seems to be 'Don't say it' I guess from now on I'll take my chances and see what happens. If anyone messages me, ofc. It's very rare, which is why it's taken me this long to make a thread of such a basic question.


Glad it's turning out well. Just don't be afraid to leave if things go south... a woman's feelings are just as important even if someone is hurt by rejection.

Personally, I can't think of any time I've thought t_his guy seems kind of fishy, I don't know if I should go along with this conversation_, and realized that he was actually a totally chill, normal guy.

In fact, once I start overlooking strange things to try not to assume things about men, or awkward men, it only ever escalates. But, only you can really determine the person you're talking to.


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

TheWelshOne said:


> OK, you're on a site and you see some comments you like. You assume the person posting is female and send them a message. What do you hope to get out of that interaction?
> 
> Is there no chance at all you're thinking 'Man, this could be a dating opportunity'? In which case, would it not upset you if this person turned out to be unattractive and/or not even female?


Imgur is not a dating site, so I wouldn't assume anything unless the flirting started right from the first message. Hell I've been messaged by female posters here who just agreed with me about something or wanted to talk, I didn't assume some hidden subtext. I'm not one to say self-denigration is wrong, I actually find it an appealing trait, but assuming a person's ulterior motive when there's no evidence, not even contextual, is a bit of a faux pas to me.

Then again, you didn't say what was in the message. If Imgur has no gender tag, that makes it even less suspect, if you ask me. What does ''sound female'' even mean? I'd be lying if I said that certain styles of posting aren't a pretty reliable indicator, but I haven't seen that from you here.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Imgur is not a dating site, so I wouldn't assume anything unless the flirting started right from the first message. Hell I've been messaged by female posters here who just agreed with me about something or wanted to talk, I didn't assume some hidden subtext. I'm not one to say self-denigration is wrong, I actually find it an appealing trait, but assuming a person's ulterior motive when there's no evidence, not even contextual, is a bit of a faux pas to me.
> 
> Then again, you didn't say what was in the message. If Imgur has no gender tag, that makes it even less suspect, if you ask me.


Well, his first message was 'hello'. That was it. Then it took over a week to get a reply, by which time I'd *jokingly* noted that if he was looking for a hot girl, he was gonna be disappointed.

This is a guy who's been on Imgur for four years, no posts or comments since 2013, clearly just a lurker (I checked before I even said hello back). And the day he first messaged, my main comment was about my virginity, which got to second comment on a front page post. I do try very hard to stay gender neutral online but it's hard when you inevitably make a note of lady part issues.



> What does ''sound female'' even mean? I'd be lying if I said that certain styles of posting aren't a pretty reliable indicator, but *I haven't seen that from you here.*


That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.


----------



## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

scarpia said:


> HAWHAWHAWHAW!!!!!


I wouldn't hit it. but alot of guys would.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

VanDamMan said:


> I wouldn't hit it. but alot of guys would.


Wait, what. That's Mama June?!

ETA: OK, this is what ****s me up.

Mama June was 460lb. She lost 300lb+ and went from a US18 to a US4.

I'm currently sat here at 240lb in US18 clothing. I have 100lb to lose but there's no freaking way I'll ever be a US4.

So is Mama June 5' tall or something? Because I'm over 200lb lighter than she was and *in the same size clothing.* No wonder guys think you're fat if you're over a US8.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

I wouldn't believe what anyone online stated about the, umm, 'quality' of their appearance -- good or bad.

As a reply to a random "hello", I kind of like it because it gives the guy a lot to work with in a followup message. It's definitely much more original than the standard reply (a "hello" back -- _uhh, is there an echo in here?_).


----------



## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

TheWelshOne said:


> Wait, what. That's Mama June?!
> 
> ETA: OK, this is what ****s me up.
> 
> ...


Somehow, I feel like they _must_ be sensationalizing both sizes (to what degree, I have no idea), because there is no way she's a US4 in that image. 10 or 12, maybe. But not 4.

Not that it should matter either way, to be honest... I am so tired of people policing other people's bodies for entertainment... Literally nauseating.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

Ai said:


> Somehow, I feel like they _must_ be sensationalizing both sizes (to what degree, I have no idea), because there is no way she's a US4 in that image. 10 or 12, maybe. But not 4.
> 
> Not that it should matter either way, to be honest... I am so tired of people policing other people's bodies for entertainment... Literally nauseating.


I've never been able to tell sizes. I can look at someone and think 'You are larger than me' or 'You are smaller than me' but that's it. And I normally get the larger part wrong.

Also, if you really want nauseating, you should look up the show she did while losing the weight. It's literally called 'From Not to Hot'. Because ofc now she's a US4 she's hot. That's *all* there is to it. :roll


----------



## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

TheWelshOne said:


> I've never been able to tell sizes. I can look at someone and think 'You are larger than me' or 'You are smaller than me' but that's it. And I normally get the larger part wrong.


Honestly, I only know because I mostly tend to fall between a 4 and a 6, depending upon cut, brand, and material. I also help outfit people sometimes, as part of my job. Judging by that image alone, I find it _very_ unbelievable she is a 4. Very. It's such a bizarre and kind of heartbreaking thing to lie about... Like, they can't be honest about her actual achievement, because it's not *good enough * to sell. Just. :mum



> Also, if you really want nauseating, you should look up the show she did while losing the weight. It's literally called 'From Not to Hot'. Because ofc now she's a US4 she's hot. That's *all* there is to it. :roll


Ugh. uke


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Just Lurking said:


> I wouldn't believe what anyone online stated about the, umm, 'quality' of their appearance -- good or bad.
> 
> As a reply to a random "hello", I kind of like it because it gives the guy a lot to work with in a followup message. It's definitely much more original than the standard reply (a "hello" back -- _uhh, is there an echo in here?_).


Oh god. I can't stand those types of messages.

Guy: Hi.

Me: Hello!

Guy: How are you?

After that I get fed up and stop replying.


----------



## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

TheWelshOne said:


> So I was on Imgur and I received a random message from some random guy. One of the first things I said was 'I'm not a hot girl' because I believe in being upfront about it so that they don't get their hopes up.
> 
> What do you guys think about saying such a thing? Would you feel insulted that I'd immediately assumed you were messaging for sexual reasons, or would you be glad that you hadn't wasted your time wondering?
> 
> ...


I'll probably be somewhat freaked out. And i would also assume you are very insecure. But i don't think i would end up thinking about it too much.


----------



## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

komorikun said:


> Oh god. I can't stand those types of messages.
> 
> Guy: Hi.
> 
> ...


:lol

I thought maybe I was the only one who found such conversations pointless.

I feel kind of bad that I can't ever bring myself to say, "How are you?" in return...but that early into writing to somebody, and with all the "thought" they already put into the convo, I just don't care to know. :/


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

komorikun said:


> Oh god. I can't stand those types of messages.
> 
> Guy: Hi.
> 
> ...


It doesn't bother me really, especially if it's someone I like or find interesting, since I'm useless at starting conversations myself most of the time.

I think a lot of people answer how are you with something basic like 'fine' or 'OK' though, which does kill conversation because then it's like 'THAT QUESTION WAS ALL I HAD.' lols. And I usually ask it as a last resort because I can't think of anything specific to say. I usually try to say more stuff as well, if I'm asked that, but sometimes I don't manage well.

*edit: * Not talking about online dating or anything though because I don't do that.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Persephone The Dread said:


> It doesn't bother me really, especially if it's someone I like or find interesting, since I'm useless at starting conversations myself most of the time.
> 
> I think a lot of people answer how are you with something basic like 'fine' or 'OK' though, which does kill conversation because then it's like 'THAT QUESTION WAS ALL I HAD.' lols. And I usually ask it as a last resort because I can't think of anything specific to say. I usually try to say more stuff as well, if I'm asked that, but sometimes I don't manage well.


I mean it's okay if it were instant messaging or text messages. But in a regular message (ex: SAS PMs, Facebook messages, emails, online dating messages) it makes me think the guy is stupid and has even less imagination than I have.

If you have something to say just spit it out already!!!


----------

