# life??



## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

what is life?? lol....im just playin...

but yea....i just feel like write'n something, i enjoy writing, and one day i wouldnt mind writing a book, so, i guess any practice helps......even if its not in college format.....

i mean, i dont even know, i guess im thinkin positive...some days i wanna go to the doctor and just keep getting pills that work in 3 months and saying they dont work so i can just get some drugs, lol, that actually make me feel somethin, cause i got the condition for it  ..if i really want them, which i guess, is kindof cool....but i dont want them now...

and im just doin what i do, workin, playin basketball, stayin in my own zone, and keepin my circle small....tryna stay happy....and i do smoke a little weed, i enjoy it after a day of work, im not abusing though, which is very good for me, cause ive been there done that....

and just, workin....i was with this guy i knew when i was smaller and he came over cause i wanted some stuff, and i couldnt find it from anyone, so i called pretty much everyone i never call so i could find it.....so he comes over and bull ****s with me for like an hour....we go get it, and he's tryna "chill" there like everyone is friends and ****.....and i barely new the one guy, i just know him from the basketball court (which is pretty much where i meet everyone i know) and we had our 1 minute small talk when i first walked in, got my things, and we just stayed there for like 20 minutes and they just talk, and i didnt say nothin, cause no one asked me nothin, and i didnt know the other 2 people who were there....

then we finally leave....and my friend is on my *** like "man, why didnt you say nothin"...i was like "i didnt have nothin to say"....he was like "it was wierd though"....and i just explained to him that i dont feel comfertable talkin to people i dont know, and that i was just tryna get it and leave....its not like i talk to any of these guys unless i want somethin from them, we never chill or hangout, we dont do ****, so why am i going to stay and bull **** with them, when i would never do it unless i need a favor....thats just not me, im in and out....just like how i used to do it....so, i pretty much aint going to call that guy anymore cause its too much of a hasle to get anything, he's always bull ****tin and doin somethin retarded.....i dont see how people always wanna just hang out and "talk"....that **** gets boring...i gotta stay active, its just me, **** everybody else  .....but i dont know.....im just ready to wake up tomorrow and go to work, bull **** work.....and play my gameboy lol, cause donkey kong country is the ****........

and thats pretty much it.......


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Yes, thats the ****. You understand so much. Good for you. Congrats.

Sincerely,
Gerard


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

damn....i dont even know....this is my thread of posts when i feel like posting, so i guess i'll pretty much be posting here for now on in this little 'positive thinking' thread.....

i dont know...this ****s still tough, i mean i still go to work, and cook...but sometimes, i just wanna learn how to work the cash register so i can actually practice on my social skills, but im not gonna ask, which is a problem, which i didnt even realize untill right now lol, thats kindof funny....but, i played basketball like 2 days ago, and i loved it so ****in much, just my jumper lol, i just love shooting so much, i cant believe it, i just love my jumper, i always here a comment on it every time i play with someone i dont know lol, you just gotta see it, i love it.....but i mean, you guys can feel free to post anything you want in this thread, its just about life with 'SA', and if your feelin positive about your day or just whatever, go on and post....but if you dont feel like it, dont, it doesnt bother me.....

but yea, im still hangin in there, wishin, workin, and just hope'n lmao.....


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

Today went OK for me...I didn't feel too much anxiety about how I walk or look when sitting around at school, which I did for a while before I started taking this supplement called Anxietol. It has removed one small part of my anxiety, but I still have a lot of negative thinking patterns and some kind of paralysis when it comes to saying things out loud that I hope to get rid of. Lovesick, too...

I hope your days go well


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i kindof wish more people were in this 'positive thinking' thread, but i guess it gets tuff.....but, as the days pass by i do seem to notice alot about myself, i always learn somethin new lol, which i guess is a good think, and i know it is....but im not even depressed anymore really, cause i know that i have anxiety and theres nothing i can really do about it, cause i do feel it sometimes in work, and i just gotta step away and be alone for like 30 seconds, and then im fine, this may happen 2 or 3 times a day, which is good, cause its much less.....but ive just come to terms with what i am, and honestly, its not too hard anymore....i havent had a real bad day in'a minute, which is good so i wont have negitive thoughts...i called off work today  lol, cause i had a little too much fun last night and woke up and i was throwin up, so i aint goin to work....

but i hate cold weather, i swear, i love warm/hot weather....cause then i can swim, play ball and its so much better....you dont have to walk to the mail box or go to the car and freeze your *** off, **** some cold weather, if you ask me...

i dont know though, im just typ'n a whole bunch of bull **** cause nothing that great has been going on, its too cold.....but i did play basketball a few days ago, but it was a bunch of little kids, and i really didnt break down and try, but i was gettin scored on by this little kid, which kindof pissed me off, but they couldnt stop me, there too little lol.....but yea....i just like to write, and im bored right now....


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

I've recently started writing a whole bunch of my thoughts and feelings about many things down in a notebook, and every time after I'm done, I feel better than before I started. Before and during the actual writing, I felt pretty bad, especially when I was writing down negative stuff, but afterwards it definitely feels good to have gotten it out. When it's in your head it can turn into pretty much anything, and for me it usually turns negative and irrational.

I've written some stuff about how much I'd like to tell this girl I like her...which is mainly what I'm feeling down about at the moment, even though I did my writing today and even some self-cognitive therapy talk from these reading materials I have. I even wrote out a way I could tell her how wonderful I think she is, if I ever had the guts to do it. I can imagine, extremely well, how it would go if I ever did it...that's what I do before many social things I do, and this is pretty much the worst possible situation I could imagine in terms of anxiety involved...so I just really can't see myself ever doing it. I really, really, really, really want to, and I know the only thing that would matter is that she'd probably appreciate it, but I know I appear weird to her and everyone else already and I definitely don't act like myself like she does, so I'd just end up not being worth anything as a person for her to get to know better...I still think she sees the value in other people more than most people though, which I guess gives me some hope...but whatever I guess...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

^^^^
you sound rational to me...but ive been in a situation too similar to this...its always a girl lol, always.....

...but if you really, really really really like her....you gotta say somethin....cause i really really really really liked a girl when i was in highschool (which im guessin your in, but if not, whatever) and i never said nothing about it to her....all im sayin, is you gotta let her know that you like her in anyway that you can, like eye contact or somethin just so she knows in her head that you like her...and if she notices you or whatever, then you just gotta talk to her....cause you gotta think, if you really liked a girl (and you werent anxious at the time) and she came up and talked to you, you wouldnt care what she was sayin, she'd be talkin to you and thats all that would matter....so use that, if you like this girl and she likes you back, and you start talkin to her, she wont care about what your sayin, like if its stupid or not, because she'll be happy that you guys are talkin, if theres a connection....but ive been able to talk to some girls in the past, but i just never asked them out, and as soon as you can talk to them you can ask them.....i dont know, i just feel that it would work cause ive learned from my mistakes in the past....you gotta just let her know that your alive in any way that you can, and then it starts from there........


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

Seems so much easier to talk about doing these things, especially after school and at night. When school mornings come (yep it's high school), though, and I get to school, I go into some kind of mode that I've been shifting into pretty much every day I've gone to school for as long as I've gone to school. This is the mode ruled by fear. And seemingly overwhelming thoughts that block me from doing things, like me thinking "It's OK if you don't do it...yeah you want to, but it's easier not to do it...makes the day go easier". Of course, I know that later in the day it sure as heck won't feel good.

I'm feeling relatively good after writing some more, though. I was feeling crummy for a while and then wrote a few more pages. I actually wrote a total of eight notebook pages today (college-ruled)  . I hope I can keep this up, even when I don't think it'll help, because it helps pretty dang well. It's like I'm pulling the thoughts out of my head and onto paper, and then they can't do as much harm there, and I sometimes look at them more rationally.

I could maybe manage to catch her eye I suppose. That'd still be weird and probably make me look weird, too, but certainly a lot less weird than talking to her. Although I guess you could argue it could be more weird, too, but at least not for me because I know I'm not trying to be "creepy" or something...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

as long as you dont just stair at her all crazy eyed and ****, its gotta be suttle....

lmao, cause i remember this one girl i seen lookin at me and it scared the **** out of me lol, i thought she wanted to eat me or somethin...i was thinkin "okay, thats just too much"....

but, just wait for the perfect time like in the halways after class or somethin...just think of somethin legit to say about somethin, so you dont come across as some type of guy look'n for just one thing....ive been there, its hard for the right time to come up, sometimes you just gotta make it yourself....but if you really do like this girl, you gotta find out if anything could really happen, cause sooner or later she may be gone forever, the same 'ol song.....


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## jeepy97_21 (Nov 2, 2005)

Ill say this much, from what I have learned, as you get older the less people think differently of you for being quiet. I havn't had someone ask me why I am quiet in years. As the people u socialize with get older they learn more about things and run into more people who are quiet and they finally realize its a common thing and not a defect.


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

again...i just feel like writing....im so ****in tired today though, i was drinkin last night  and me and my friend drank a "few" too many lmao....but, it was fun....but whats crazy is when i woke up, my mom woke me up and i dont even remember walking in the house and going to sleep....she woke me up and i was just sittin on the couch and my leg was crossed a little bit and it was asleep and ****, i thought it was funny....i only got like 5 hours of sleep or somethin, ive been runnin on like, no sleep....and i can still function....so im kindof happy....i dont know though, im just tryna play basketball....blah blah, same 'ol ****....peace out.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i just feel like posting...im kindof insain right now, if ya know what i mean lmao....im just playin, but i mean, i really dont know.....

ive come to terms with myself lately....i still like thinkin postive, tryna love myself for who i am and all that, and i do....but sometimes, i look at what my life has become, and it makes me think way too much.....because my life is nothing like i thought it would be, i thought i would just play basketball forever and i would just do what i wanted to do, and i never realized that it doesnt work like that, you have to work, period....and i never thought that i would have this anxiety to where i feel like i cant really do anything socially, i cant just walk up to someone and talk to them without freaking out in my head, i just cant do it, ive tried my hardest, all the time, i go to work and im forced to have to interact, and ive tried, ive done all i can really do to try to stop this ****, but i cant find anything that really works, and that right there made me realize.....that i really, in my head, believe that i do need medication, its the only way i can actually do what i want to do without the anxiety that holds me back.....and i figure, if i can be happy on drugs, i'll do it....cause out of everything, i just wanna be happy in being me, and if i need drugs, i need them...ive just came with terms, my anxiety is just hard to handle, and i cant do anything about it, its just part of my brain, and who i am....

but all that right there, really doesnt get me down....i just know that i have a problem, and it is real....just like ADD or somethin, i have a problem, and i believe that it needs to be fixed....i honestly do try to think postive, i love playin ball, and recently ive been driving again, and i love to drive, im just doing things i love to do.....and if medicine helps me out with the things i dont like to do, so be it....its just me, i obviously need it.....so i just cant let it get me down, i kindof like that i actually can be perscribed to somethin that will actually help me....ive just came to terms with me, this is only my **** though lol, its just what ive realized.....but i do like thinkin positive lol....and thats about it.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i have a crush :no ....and i just hate it...its some girl i did see at work like 4 days before i actually did work with her, and i really didnt even think much of it untill we actually worked together....i didnt say anything to her, but i know she noticed me, and i defenatly noticed her....i just hate it though, cause i dont know if i really like her or not, i cant explain it, but i can say that i do not like it lmao, as wierd as that sounds.....


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

It's been really depressing for me the last few months...because when I have social anxiety, there are some people I might be able to overcome the fear of talking to; but when it comes to a girl that I have a crush on, every day it is just impossible to overcome the fear. Back to school today on a Monday, and after a weekend of being socially isolated from everyone except for my brother and parents (and one friend who came over to our house), and it was just overwhelming, it seemed. I try to maintain a positive attitude until the end of the school day, but there a couple classes I have with a bunch of annoying, talkative people (and it's really hard to ignore them and just accept how they are...although today I did a decent job I suppose).

You'll probably be able to say something eventually...I don't know when I ever will...it just never seems like the right time, and I can never think of anything to say, or how to say it, ever...I'd just look weird anyway...


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

I guess to be more positive, tomorrow and other future days could certainly be good days (today was pretty neutral I guess, or typical, depending on how I look at it). It seems so much easier to imagine or think right now, at night, that I can act different tomorrow or push myself to say something...and I guess I am making some small steps forward in controlling my negative thinking during the day. So it's not all bad...but just kind of annoying sometimes that in the comfort of my home, when I'm not at school, and not anywhere near her...then I don't freeze up or whatever..

I'm doing OK right now though. I wish you luck.


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

as usual, i just feel like writing....i havent really wrote in here in a while, so i just figured i would *shrugs*.....

i really dont know, i think my meddys are working okay, cause i really dont notice any more attacks of anxiety, but i still do feel it, cause im always moving in my seat and its very hard for me to stay still....and, ive been thinkin about me...i think that im just made to hate, and not anything else....i compare myself to 'mandy' off of "the grim adventures of billy and mandy"....thats who i am, im tellin you lol.....cause i really dont like any other emotions besides being mad, and then when i get home i can just chill and do what i do....but i am still feeling kindof, happy i guess....oh yea, and, i wrecked my car last week, my moms....and it was crazy, i was just driving drunk like a maniac and i was speeding hella, then i past my friend who was infront of me, i tried to make a turn like i was some type of driving stuntman, and i was all over the curb then i hit this bolder at like 50 miles an hour, and the car flipped, and its totalled....and whats even more wierd, is that i got out and not a scratch was on me, i was just pissed, then my emotions got to me and i started choking up....i got home to tell my mom, and i just couldnt help it, i started ballin like a little girl, cause i didnt want it to happen....it was crazy....i just dont understand why things like this happen to me, ive been through some wierd things where i should have been hurt or whatever, and nothing happend to me....im just kindof glad i didnt hurt anyone or even kill someone who could have been walking on that street, cause i would have gone to prison, and that would have sucked a whole lot....but besides that, ive just been working, and i am hangin in there...feel free to post!  ....peace out.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

well...

i just talked to my doctor today, which was kindof nerve racking, just a little....i had to wait for her for a while, which really didnt build much anxiety, but it was there....ive been on cymbalta for the last month with little to no effect on my anxiety, and ive been drinking like i usually do, about 3-5 times a week...and she knows this, and she told me that maybe i may not be feeling the effect of the medicine because of that....she didnt say that marijuana wont make the medication work, so i guess im just gonna quit drinking and spend more of my money on weed, she also said that smoking marijuana can cause altimers desise, which i guess would suck, but i really have no reason to quit, it calms me down, and i dont see a reason to quit....and i told her that i took adderal twice over this past month and i liked it, i said that it didnt even get my high, it just made me feel good, which is what it did....and i told her that when i was younger i was supposed to be on pills for ADD because i was, but my dad wouldnt let me...and she said should would have perscribed me to it but im over 18 and it could be addictive, which is whatever....so now, im on these pills called strattera, and im also on cymbalta....and i have to go back in 2 weeks to tell her how it works....and honestly, i dont see it working....these pills are non-stimulant, and i cant feel the effects....she's tellin me that she doesnt believe in destiny, and she believes that hard work pays off....but i dont think she realizes the missory i would go through to try to get hard work to "pay off"....its just pointless honestly, but i guess i have to try, but i dont think non of these pills will work at all....i believe i need somethin to where im gonna feel it within an hour, because ive quit smoking and drinking before, when i got out of jail, and nothing was different, i still had this anxiety....so thats pretty much why ima quit drinking, cause she said thats probably why the meds arent working, but i dont think thats what it is, i believe that i need something stronger......

but, im still hangin in there, as usuall....this girl ive had a crush on, nothins happend, cause im sick of being the guy in the relationship and having to make the first move, im not gonna do it, and she's always talkin to everyone else anyways, so i dont see why she cant say anything to me....and ive pretty much just quit looking at her for real, cause her eyes...they **** with me...so i figure, if i never look at her or see her, i wont think of her, which has been working....im not meant for it, i just dont believe i am, but i'll keep putting myself out there....but i guess my partying days are gonna be over for a little bit cause im not gonna go somewhere and not drink, cause i'll just be losing my mind and acting retarded and crazy to the point where im pace'ng back and forth and talking a whole bunch of crazy **** lmao....so i guess i'll just work....the weather is getting a little better and hopefully i will be able to play some ball, and i'll just smoke my little bit of weed that i like to do....just be me the only way i really know how....we all know the story lol....and thats about it...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

well....as the book of my life continues to turn its pages lmao, im joke'n....but as i go on, more things happen...

i went to my doctors today, and last time i was there she gave me 'strattera' as well as my cymbalta....so she came into the room and looked at me for a second cause my clothes were dirty because i was working and i usually dont wash my clothes often cause its pointless cause they will get dirty again, but thats only my work clothes, and she kinda laughed about it then asked if i took my strattera and if it worked (i have strattera cause i also have ADD) ..and i said no.

so imediatly after i said that, or from what i remember, she asked if i was comfertabel talking to a phsyciatrist....and i was like, 'yea'...and she said 'okay, good'....went back to get some information on where it was and who to call, and i was asking her who she thought was the best, and she just told me you have to be able to trust them, and just spill everything about you, and i told her that would be easy, cause i know it will, cause they cant tell anybody in the first place, and i pretty much tell the real one friend i got everything about myself, everything, like the way i feel with this anxiety, ive told him, he's known about my medication and how i feel all the time and all that....but i do also tell alot of people about my anxiety, usually if i meet someone for the first time and we actually talk, and when you talk to someone its always "to get to know" one another....so with me, it always comes up, cause im always talkin about it because its all that goes on in my life, my anxiety, its always there, so its almost impossible for me not to talk about it....

but yea, im see'n a therapist here soon, i know i said phyciatrist, but i think they're just gonna listen or somethin....but life seems good lately, uhhhhhhhhhhh, that girl quit the job so i have a crush no more, which is good, and ive just been feelin fine lately cause i know what i need to feel better, ive take'n what i need to feel better, and i know when i tell the therapist what im gonna tell him, i should get perscribed to what i believe i need, and if i dont, ima feel salty lmao, but i will be mad, cause these meds dont ****in work lol....

but i am thinkin postive, dont get me wrong.....sorry for the halfway long post if anyone read.....peace-out.........


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

oh my goodness...i feel like a whole diffferent person....i dont think my idea to try to self medicate myself with perscription drugs i believed i needed was a good idea, expecially the way i get them, if its illegal....

i just feel like a totally different being, its ****in crazy, my anxiety is kindof there, a little bit, but these pills do kindof take it away, but the way they make me feel, i cant stand it....im on adderal as of now, and i know this because the effects of the drug is lasting way too long, and i cant sleep, im hungry and dont wanna eat, and smoking pot doesnt even get me tired no more....i want off the ride lmao....but........

life has been better if asking me...i see a therapist here soon, cause i called today and left a message on his machine that got cut off lol because it was too long cause i was just tellin him why i was calling, and i can get into talkin about my problems....i pretty much just tell everyone i meet now that i have anxiety problems, if im just talkin one on one, cause thats just who i am, and thats just what i talk about, cause its what i deal with every single day.....i dont even care no more....jesus, social anxiety.....isnt the term wonderful?....its a phobia, i cant stand it....and my parents both finally are "behind me" in my idea to be on medication, but they dont know ive been on pills right now....and ive gottin into arguments with my parents about how i panic and all that and the way i feel, and its like they didnt believe me....then one night i was drinkin and my mom was sayin me and one, of my friends, just me and him.....cant "party" down there, meaning we cant drink downstairs....and it upset me...so i ended up getting into an argument, and my anxiety was mentioned, and my dad got into it and i was just tellin them that i have issues....ive had ADD, but my dad never let me get medication for it....and im tryna explain to him how my social anxiety makes me feel around people, expecially a class room or somethin like that, and i think he finally just shut up about, cause i told him its a phobia, which it is....and i just said its the same thing as someone tryna explain to you that they have aracnaphobia, and you cant explain that to someone who doesnt have it and actually expect them to understand you 100 percent and know where your coming from, they'll just call you crazy....so i just take it in stride to be honest....i live this life for one reason, to be happy, and i dont really care what it is im doing, as long as im happy with what it is im doing....but honestly, im not too happy right now, cause these pills didnt really work the way i would have liked, i feel like i have serious issues knowing it was my idea to get on medication for this disorder....but then i think about the way i act when im just regulare and not on nothing, and its humilating.....and thats what makes me say **** everything....i really dont think i will ever be happy with this life, cause everything out of this life that was supposed to happen never did, and now i have SAD and my ADD is still with me, my head is messed up....and i pretty much believe i will always be lonely and all that ****, cause i dont think anyone could except me for what i do, cause i do bad things, like smoke pot, and im gonna be on stimulate medication that high school kids take to get "****ed up" to make me "normal"....lmao, i just laugh at myself....really though, i would like to try to find someone i could be with, of the opposite sex, cause i do have one person i can call a friend, and some aquantances....but if i had a girl, i dont know.....i pretty much know she would have to be as ****ed up in the head as me and do things that i do or not care about the things that i do.....but i still dont think i will ever be happy, i dont think it will ever matter about how much i accomplish in my life, i dont think i will ever be happy, cause i really dont even like the way i am....im pretty much runnin away from me, wanting medication cause i cant stand the way i feel and the way i panic and sweat and turn red and ****....i hate it....and im gettin pills to stop it, god damn.....im just in like a "revelation" type feeling, cause everything im sayin is going strait to my head, im about to be on medication, and if im not, im still gonna try to find whatever drug i can that i think will help this and buy it, cause cymbalta didnt work, and my doctor recomended me to a physciatrists, so, what the **** am i supposed to do.....

this may seem depresive or somethin, but im not depressed, i just dont even know, im just talkin about how things have been lately.......


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i guess i'll post, again, i feel like write'n, anyone can post here if i havent metioned it before lol, which i have....but anyways, my life, i ask myself what life is all the time, cause life to me really doesnt mean anything, theres no point to anything really...the only conclusion i can come to, of what life is...is to just live for the moment, and try to be happy at any specific time you can, and getting through the bull **** of everyday life and being able to smile about whatever it is your smiling about at the end of the day...i also believe that i have to worry 99 percent of the day about what im doing, and why im doing what im doing, and if i cant find a point to what im doing, im not gonna do it...i do things to please myself, but i also keep in mind of whom i affect, when doing the things i do....im cautious to a point, but i live life on the edge in a way, im not outgoing or nothing, but i do a whole lot of crazy ****, which pretty much means drinking and smoking pot, and pills that i have take'n and still will if i can get a hold of them, i prefer xannax bars lmao, but i mean, they're for anxiety so i dont feel that bad taking them...its not like im gonna do some extacy or somethin, i dont want to **** my system up anymore than it is.....

and the adderall has worn off for the past week or so, and i feel like myself again....i guess you can say that im happy right now, cause i have a psychiatrist, a new perscription...and the psych said that we can just try things until i find what works, which is fine with me...cause all i want is somethin to take this dumb *** anxiety away, i dont wanna get high, cause i like being me, but i hate my anxiety, so i just wanna X it out, and i wanna ****in pill that will work lol....but my psych kindof threw me off when i first saw him....cause he had a little shirt with like 3 buttons that came down from the top, and he had like 2 un-done, and i swear i think he's a little fruity lmao....which is nothing bad i guess, you gotta do what you do, but i just think its kindof funny....but i mean ****, he can help me, and i really dont judge people unless i talk to you and your an idiot or you have an annoying voice and i just cant stand to look or hear anything that you say, then i will judge you, but i cant judge someone by their apperience and way of life....i dont know, im just ramblin about a whole bunch of bull **** cause im bored, and its saturday night, and im chillin at home with a burr, miller high life  , its my ****.....but, i guess till next time....piece out......


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

well...thursday is another "day of truth" if you wanna call it that, i see my phyciatrist for the second time....i think i may just ask him if i can get perscribed to a benzo....cause i think i wanna go back to college, and it all depends on weither or not i get these pills, but if i do get these pills, and they dont allow me to play basketball, im not gonna go to college, cause i will never make it through college with out actually playing for the team and trying to take basketball as far as i can...which kindof ****s me either way, but then i will feel alot happier if i get pills that work and let me do things i wanna do that i cant because of my disorder....things for me are just steady, i dont think i can "get over" SAD anymore than i have, i go to work 5 days a week, my medication doesnt work, and i try to talk and conversate, but nothing changes when it actually comes down to talking to someone i havent met or dont intend to talk too...so im pretty much praying i can get these little pills, and i hope my phyciatrist understands, i think i will ask for benzos though, i dont know though, if i feel like i want to i know i will....but im just at a stand still...i have pleanty ideas floating in my head i just dont feel i can make them happen with out a little help....and thats about it lol....bye to anyone who actually reads these little passages lmao.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

again, im just writing, i feel like this should be the only thread i should post in, but i also drift around cause it seems imposible to actually be postive, cause nothing is positive, but i gotta try to be postive, its just nothing makes sense sometimes....i feel comfertable around like one person in this whole world, and besides that, i just dont feel comfertable....and honestly, im kindof afraid to be myself, because i am, an *******...i say whatever the ****s on my mind, and its like, sometimes, utter bull **** happens, and it scares me to where i dont wanna be the ******* that wants to get out of me....then i have those days, like yesterday pretty much, were dumb things happen just because i was tryna be nice instead of being me....i got asked twice, by two different people, who saw me earlier, and asked if i was sunburnt, and they knew i wasnt...and it was because i was being nice and i guess they thought they could get away with it with out me flipp'n out....i just believe i gotta be focused, im just sick of being nice, nice does not work with me, i guess with SAD being an ******* is just natural, cause i do hate alot of things, but this is like my twisted positive thinking....yea, i do think of how wonderful things could be if love existed, but i just dont believe it, maybe i do believe it, but i dont believe it can last all day every day for the rest of my life, just because of SAD  ...its just so crazy, i just want some xanax or klonopin, whatever actually can work, and i just want to do what i want to do, i need to get out of this neighborhood, because its such a bad one...i just want medication that works, cause ive heard of some that work, but then again, ive heard people around here sayin that thier medication really doesnt work 100%..and that kindof scares me....i just hate, SAD, and the physicle symptoms, its just crazy, but believe me, im thinkin postive....im just focused on all my ****...and i believe i must be an ******* to just be comfertable with myself....**** smile'n lmao...thats just not me, unless im in the right situation, and then still, i dont wanna smile, cause i will start believe'n its alright to be "happy" and smile, when in my heart i guess, it doesnt feel right....i sometimes start thinkin im just one of those physcopathic people whos only destiny is to do crazy crazy things to other people so i can witness it, as bad as that sounds....but deep down, somewhere inside of me, there is a happy person, its just SAD covers it so thick to where it cant be found, i hardly ever let my guard down, ever, cause its just impossible, unless maybe im on the net, cause then no one can look at me....but yes, i have 2 weeks on these bull **** buspirone, and hopefully i can get xanax or somethin, and thats the only reason i can be considered staying positive, at the moment......good bye.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

...well, same old story....i just played basketball, and basketball freaks me out a little bit, cause i am, a good player...i just played at this court, and i was sittin and watchin this one guy ive played with on a couple occasions, and he can play, he's got a jumper, like me, and he likes to shoot, we got the same game pretty much, but anyways....i was sittin and watchin him play a game, cause i just smoked pot, and i really didnt wanna play, cause i didnt wanna get embarassed on the court, meaning, i didnt wanna get my *** busted and look like a fool being on the court, because i havent played in like 2 to 3 weeks....but i was just watchin him play, and he was just bustin ***, he got 3 dunks in a game, and it was kindof pissin me off, cause i knew that he wouldnt be doin it if i was on the court, then they asked around the court if someone wanted to jump in, and i just said, na lmao....and i watched again and this dude was just bustin ***, and it was literally pissin me off, cause i knew i could stop him, from getting dunks at least, for the most part, but his jumper could have been trouble, maybe....but i watched the second game, then got asked to play, and i was like alright...

so we played, and i was playin alright, the first few plays the dude took it past me and got a lay up, i know he wanted to dunk it though, cause i could just tell, but he didnt dunk it, he just scored, and i was upset, i swear....so then we're playin, and i missed a shot, got blocked or somethin...but besides that, im 6'5, and the other dude was 6'3, and some other guy on the opposite team was 6 maybe, im not good with hieght, and he was the one blocking me, cause he just did....but, i made like 2 jumpers after that, then missed a 3, but we ended up winnin....but what happend the next game, just freaks me out...cause i did not miss one shot and we were bustin ***, i made a lay up on the bigger guy, i wanted to go for the dunk, but im not in shape for all that, so i just went up, and i made the body contact, and i finished, which was the ****, cause usually, in the past, ive been blocked going for layups against players my size, cause im not the greatest jumper, but i cant get up if my posisiton is right...but i made it....we got the ball again, and i pulled up a 3, made it, then made 2 more, and we switched sides of the court in like 3 minutes....we are playing to 16, 1's and 2's, and switching ends at 8, and i just wasnt missin....and i just kept making shots, i was just pullin up bustin ****, and i made the game winning shot, that i didnt even wanna take really lol cause i wanted to not miss that game, but they just watched me do it...we ended up winnin like 16 to 8 maybe....and it just flips me out a little bit, cause i havent played in so long....and i was shooting around before hand, and i was kindof broke, but i stepped on the court, and it was just game time....basketball is a whole other story with me....which makes me hate it, cause to play basketball and be successfull in it, i have to be able to sit and talk to somebody, sooner or later....and i just will not do it, and i just really do pray i can get pills, and still be aloud to play on a team, cause i wanna play, cause i just believe i have talent....because there is no reason for me not to miss in a game, because i havent played in so long, its like i just turned a switch, i made that lay up, made a 3 (counting as 2 points) and then rattled the next one in, and it was over after that, it was just over, i just wasnt missing....and i thought it, and it was all happening, its like i clicked...and i just believe my mind is a curse or somethin, cause it makes no sense.....cause my anxiety, i really do just pray i can get pills that allow me to be in social situations for however long of the day im in, and just not abuse and have them just work when i need them....cause maybe, just maybe, i can gain some confidence if im around people on a somewhat regular basis with out anxiety, maybe i can just start switchin my mind or somethin, or maybe i can get confidence to be around people in some istances, and not be on drugs....i just feel so crazy about basketball....cause what just happend, i just clicked in my game, and it was just over, and i was playin against a decent player, and ive played against better and have done the same thing...i just literally pray, i can get medication that works and if i can, i can still play basketball while being perscribed to it, i just pray, cause i think my life could just be better, cause every thing would be so much easier, obviously i would still have hard work to do if i went to college and chased this basketball ****, but if i could do it with out most of my bad anxiety that i get, i think i could maybe do it....cause i believe that there is nothing wrong with depending on medication, cause its not like i will ever have a problem getting it if i am perscribed to it....its just a crazy world i live in, and i sweat alot and i wish that **** would stop....

but i really dont even know, i just started typing, and that game, cause it was just game time lmfao, i couldnt believe it...,but right once off the court, its back to the same exact anxiety bull **** i go through each day, and with medication, i may be able to have a steady median of my high off of basketball, with my high, i guess you could call it, from the medication i need, and maybe them two could really help, and i kindof believe they could...and if im proved wrong, i'll have a whole other set of problems, very serious seriuos serious problems....my life twists and turns more that country roads lmao....and its true....but good bye, sorry for such a long post.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i just feel like writing....

...i literally hate SAD, cause its real...and i read things on the net about SAD and what it is, and its so wierd, cause it makes no sense to feel and act the way we do, but we do just because thats the way our bodys and minds are programed, and its humilating, i just ****ing hate it....and sometimes, i wish i could just go outside, do everything, and not judge myself for acting the way i do, and turn red and sweat and jitter around and feel that panic and just be okay with it, and also feel like other people are okay with it....cause if someone comments on me, like, why are you red?, or what is your problem?, or anything that has to do with me and the other person knowing i have a problem, i begin to hate myself, and i just hate it, cause honestly deep down, i like me, i just hate my anxiety...cause theres times when i think very clearly, maybe its just drugs and alcohol, well no, i cant even say that....but there are times when i think clearly, and that just makes me hate myself worse when i dont, in a way, but i dont even know....and i hate that i spent so much money on this medication i just got, im talkin way too much money for a perscription, im not even sayin it, but i will say its triple figures number wise, and its just bull **** because they dont work....i kindof got exited when i found out that they were for skitsos and people with bi polar, cause i thought maybe they could be strong enough to work, but nope, they do not....and its just bull ****...i dont even know...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i think its time i post again lol....im kiddin, but i do feel like writing....i just played basketball again today, but i only shot around, and i was so broke (broke meaning, i couldnt make a shot, if anyone doesnt know the term) and i just kept shooting, and it was like my shot started falling, i got a quick 20 minute work out maybe cause i was running for my missed shots, cause even when i went on my stretches of making shots, my shot was and still is broke...but it always makes me feel positive...and unless i get this job that i applied to, im not going to do anything but live here....and my mom knows everything about me pretty much, with how i got klonopins off the streets and i smoke and everything...and i told her my plan, because i have a new phyc. appointment the 16th, and i have 2 k-ps left, and i said im just going to use them untill the 6th, and im going to quit smoking weed and drinking untill my phyc. appointment....and i told her if i get a job and i end up panicing and having to leave she said it would be fine, its like shes with me on it, and it makes me feel better, but i still think i wont get benzos...cause these klonopins work well i think, but i did take alot in the past week in a half maybe, i dont even wanna say how many i took, but one night i ended up taking 7 or 8 during the duration of the day, cause i want to get rid of them before the 6th....but anyways, i dont think im gonna get benzos, but if i dont drink or smoke i know my symptoms will start showing up more, expecially with the klonopins out of my system....cause its like i have the quezzyness or whatever that feeling is in my stomach all day, and it gets worse when im in public....ive been on 5 different meds, and i pray i get benzos, cause if i dont im gonna be so mad, it'll be a ***** pretty much, cause they work....this is taking so much time to get a medicine that works, and i hate it, cause if i had some medicaiton that works, my life would switch so much, cause i can tell a huge difference with my anxiety on klonopins....but i still feel it sometimes, but i get over the hump so easy on them, and its done and i can just focus and execute what i want to do....my life would be so much better, i swear...im still just prayin and hope'n over here....lol, if i had the right medication, the way my life would be, ide be so happy, cause then i could start it....cause if i was on klonopin and i saw a girl i liked, cause im not attracted to many girls, i know things would actually work out, because ive pretty much actually liked, maybe even thought i loved, 2 different girls, and they are both gone cause my anxiety just ruined it....so i dont even care about trying to talk to a girl right now, its not like ide be some confident *** guy on klonopin, it would just take my anxiety away, and i would of course be nervous, but it would be over so quick, cause ive had my "special moments" when it felt like i didnt have anxiety when i was trying to get with someone, but it always comes back, and medicine will take that away, and i could start life the way i want to live it....you know what im sayind Dood! lmao....but hope is thin here, but im still standin on the ice haha....but anyways, im hanging in there....feel free to post about any positive story or anything like ive said before....bye peeps....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

as i continue to roll down the road of life, i find that many professionals think i have addiction problems, and its hard for me not to believe it, to be honest...its like an NBA coach saying your not any good at basketball, and me not believing it, if you can understand my link between these two situations...so i pretty much believe it as of right now, and im never drinking or smoking marijuana ever again, period...but with this being my positivity thread, i must stay positive, in which i will...and it feels good to be drug free for 11 days, but i still sweat a whole lot, and my anxiety is still there, cause ive been going to the library with my mother to get movies the past couple days because thats how i want to spend my time, and at the library i still notice my anxiety alot, and i think alot of it comes from females and me losing females in the past, which really sucks, but this is a mental problem, so i think im just mentally inadiquit, and with me failing with certain females i thought i loved, doesnt really help my anxiety, but im not gonna sit here and talk about females because thats the least of my problems and i dont even want a relationship at the moment...but moving on, ide like to talk about the internet, because the internet is an addiction problem with me lmao, but it really is and there is alot of negitivity going around in the net world, and i just dont wanna deal with it so i really havent been getting on the net much lately, cause i just cant deal with it cause i have enough problems in the real world, and i dont wanna log into other forums and just talk **** and hear **** talking whenever i read something, its very annoying, so i just am not going to deal with it, thats the way i am, if i dont like something i leave, maybe its imaturaty, maybe its my mental illness  ...i wouldnt know...but its very hard, as we all know, but i have been taking good steps, and hearing the phsyciatrist call me a drug addict actually helped, even though i know he's doing his job and i think he really doesnt care about me, you gotta do your job, and being comferted all the time doesnt really help...and with "friends"...they all know what im going through and why i quit drinking, cause ima honest person, and whatever the **** i say, is the ****ing truth, period...which is why, cant nobody disrespect me, cause i speak ****ing facts lol, period, and thats just what it is...but yea, im still hanging in there, as the cat from the notoriuos poster would like to say, ive had my 'off' days, but im still here, and i do have faith in god, which is why i am still here  ...but, good bye people, im actually kindof busy at this very moment when im posting this, peace out doods....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

...well...i guess i feel like writing, and i know that as i write, more will come to my mind...but, i have been doing kindof well lately, i still have my anxiety, but i have been clean sense the 6th, but also, like 5 days ago i did end up smoking pot again, but i only took 2 hits, and honest to god i felt kindof dissapointed in myself the next day, and my mom could tell cause she asked me 'whats wrong'...but that day was pretty much a one time thing, cause i did alot that day with a clean mind and no stimulants, i played ball that day, went to the movies, went to the mall twice, and i was pretty much around people all day, and sense i did that, and i was at my friends house with like 4 other people, i decided to buy a 40 O.Z. of malt liquor, but that turned into 2 and then 2 hits of marijuana, cause i was with someone i havent seen in a year, and i went over it inside my head for like 15 minutes and i decided to just hit it for a last time...but i really do wanna quit, cause i believe alot of my anxiety just comes from altering my mind way to much, cause i would hardly be sober any day, and if im not in the right state of mind, i cant learn social skills, and thats just what it is...and i believe its just taking small steps...cause yea, we are all different with different symptoms, but we all hate it the same, and all have the same disorder...and i know theres other ways to get around it besides mind altering drugs, or stimulant drugs, its just sticking with it, cause i know for a fact, that for anyone who puts theirself out there, and takes steps, their anxiety doesnt get worse, just taking the right steps, rational thinking, small steps, and doing things you enjoy in your free time, and worring about you, instead of somebody else, and knowing what you need when you need or, or what you want when you want it...which is pretty much why i dont even wanna **** around with benzodiazipines, cause when i experienced with them, all they did was alter my mind into a different person, and if im not myself how the **** am i getting over my anxiety??...im not anti-****, im not anti-nothing...i have aquantences who just drink every night and smoke every night, and i dont judge no damn ****in body, but what i know, is with support from people who love you or people you love, this problem can be overcame with out drugs, or stimulant drugs, maybe this effexor xr im on is actually working a little bit, but i dont wake up fiend'n for them cause when i take them it has no effect on me, i guess its just one of those 'take and wait' drugs...cause i mean, i have a friend who is perscribed to xannax, and he still says his anxiety gets no better, i just believe its small steps, cause my anxiety at one point was so bad, it was horrible, but now its just not as bad as it was, i mean i still have it, but its just so much less than what it was, which makes me believe that one day it could seriously be gone, cause it has gottin better, its not worse, and when i alter my mind and ****, drink, smoke, pop pills, im not in my right mind and i can never handle anything or learn social skills or even practice them, believe me, i know the ****s hard, but life aint easy...which is why ive just quit altering my mind, im not 100% clean, but i feel better being one person, instead of 3 or 4 different ones...and being one person or being in one mind set, i can practice and get better so much easier, instead of just starting over everyday...cause i noticed it that day when i smoked and drank, that next morning was bad, my anxiety was there more than it has been, and i was sweating a whole lot, even my face was and my face really isnt that much of a problem when it comes to sweating, only my palms and armpits really sweat, i just believe ive found my problem, and i know what i have to do to overcome it, cause everyone i pretty much know, knows what i go through, and if they wanna talk **** about it thats their problem...i just really believe that it can get so much better, i just believe it for some odd reason, like, when i think about it, my mind doesnt tell me its gonna get worse, it always says it can get better, and maybe thats just my rational thinking over the last 6 months or however long its been sense ive tried to think more rational, and i guess its just coming naturally, cause i really do believe that it can get better, cause ive noticed progress in myself, its been a long *** grueling process though, and it sucks and im still there...

but anyways, i still need a job, and i got a beard growing in and im like'n it lol, i just like the way it looks, i dont think ive grown one this long before, and ive just been playing basketball and hanging out and just tryna think rational and practice social skills, ive only drank 3 times sense the 6th, and one time i only had a beer and one shot, and i took 2 hits of weed once, and i feel more open minded, and i dont get that pissed anymore, but i still get mad when dumb people ask me or make dumb *** coments to see my reaction, cause im the "funny" one, but usually the crazy ones are, but im still livin with this ****ed up problem, i just believe i found my way to deal with it  ...which is, staying clean, not worrying about relationships with new people (for the time being), and just stayin close to home and doing things i like to do, like working out and playing basketball, ive been eating better, and i do feel better, and my anxiety just isnt as horrible, but i dont know, im just staying positive...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

well again, i just wanna write and i dont feel like using a writing utinsil...but, im still fighting this disorder, im on effexor right now, and i guess it works, because i can do things that i couldnt really do before, but ive also been using "exposure therapy" alot, and i think it has been working, but its a long process and i just know it is, becuase ive pretty much been doing it without knowing it, and it has gotten much better, because today i turned in 4 applications, and at one certain place i talked to the manager, only a little small talk but i still talked, and i sat in the store and filled out a questionare thing when it was pretty much the lunch rush and people were coming in and out, and i didnt feel any symptoms of my anxiety except i was sweating a little bit, ive even gotten better with my sweating, and i guess its just the exposure therapy...and on a side note, i do realize that these passages that i write become long, but this is pretty much for me, cause i enjoy writing and getting my thought out on paper or whatever, cause then i can read them, and its pretty much my theraputicle release, and i do appreciate people who have read my thoughts and responded to them, but anyways...

ive become to notice what im getting good at when it comes to social things, ive noticed that going up to a counter or a cashier and buying something has gottin much much easier for me, and i dont even experience symptoms of anxiety that much anymore, and its good, but i still believe that i am a far shot away from overcoming this disorder, cause im tellin you right now, ive gottin much better, my steps have pretty much included: talking on the phone or picking the phone up, just going outside, and taking very small steps...cause its been so hard, and i have a rough time when im sitting in a car with someone, thats somethin im trying to set my mind to pretty much today forward, but when you know your problem, it becomes easier to contact it and hit it head on, i believe that you have to know what your problem is and worry on what causes it and how to eliminate your smaller problems and then progress into your bigger problems, and the process is a *****, but being the people we are, we have to do it if we want to get better...and i just cant quit, i just wont do it, and i thank my family, because i consider myself so blessed, cause i know there is people out there who have a harder time than me, and im just happy im atleast loved by my family, and that i do have a couple of buddies i can play basketball with, ive never been an outcast, ive always caught eyes with females, ive pretty much thrown my life away when i was smoking pot, but my parents still loved and stood by me, ive totalled my moms car and they werent even mad at me, but then again, ive always been a good person, ive stole things though, but i never deliberatly tried to hurt anyone physicly or emotionally on purpose, ive never made fun of anyone, and ive always congradulated...i just think im so blessed, but i better stop cause ima get crazy with this lol...

but with my ****, my pot smoking...ive been good with it, i havent bought any sinse the 6th of June, ive smoked probably five times sense then and ive only got drunk twice, and the times ive smoked ive only take'n four hits, and one night six, cause i have good memory, and weed never really ****ed my memory up, but benzodiazipines is another story, and i dont think im ever going to do those again, but then again i never said i was going to go to jail, ive also been playing alot of basketball and ive noticed that my defense has gottin much better, much better...cause ive been an offinsive minded player my whole life cause ive never played highschool ball, but i played college and i got showed the ropes, cause i hate when people score on me, and i already know i can score pretty much whenever i want to lol, thats just my mind set, but ive been working on my defense steadily, ive been doing push ups and sit ups like 5 times a week cause im trying to get my wieght up, and ive been eating healthier...and Again, if you wanna post, feel free to describe your progress with this, or however you deal with what You deal with or whatever...piece out...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

yes yes, i know, i wrote in here two days ago, but i just feel like writing again, cause nobody writes in here, and i just feel like this is a blog type of thing, and people who do read these can relate to me and maybe compare and contrast the differences, and its practice with writing cause i like to write, and its practice with typing and my gwam....

but again, anyways, i just really am sick of the lifestyle that i have take'n in as my own...and ive been trying to really find the source of all of my problems, and im starting to believe its marijuana and feeling betrayed and lower than other people because of it...its like when i smoke weed i get "happy" for the first 30 minutes then im not "high" anymore, and it really makes me a completely different person, and a more anxious person, and it just makes me feel less of a person, and i just cant stand it...and i really believe that most of my problems stem from marijuana, like relationships with girls and guys for that matter, cause i remember once there was this girl and she actually liked me and i thought she was beautiful, and she walked up to me and talked to me at lunch cause i didnt go to my practice the other night and she asked why i didnt and how she was dissapointed (joking of course) ,and what i was doing was smoking weed and i completely forgot about my practice, and it was in my head and i was ashamed to say it and i just turned red and felt horrible, and when i think about the times ive been in class when i was younger i would turn red, but only when i would get in trouble in class for something stupid, or if i wouldnt know an answer in class and i felt pressed, but thats easy to get over, and it never really happend much in class anyways, but when i have the fact that i smoked pot and **** in my mind, knowing that the social community of people really dont smoke, it makes me feel ashamed of who i am and what i do, cause people smoke or whatever but thats just not me and i dont like it, its like i cant read signs for ****...cause i remember the first time i smoked and i didnt get high, then the second time i didnt, then the third time i got high then shortly after i got really really sick and i just begun smoking alot of weed, and when i think about it, a hella of alot of my anxiety comes from just weed and hiding it and feeling ashamed from smoking it, because i was living up there, and the rest of the functioning world is living down there, and im sorry, people who dont smoke weed look down upon people who do regularly, same with alcohol or any drug, its just the way it is with man...and considering the type of person i am, i want the best of the best, and i know i will never get it smoking weed, cause weed just leads to bad people and people who really dont have much going for them or people who just dont like themselves, and thats just what it is, some people can cover it up very well, others cant, but thats just simply plane and simple what it is and what it always will be...only reason some one would alter their mind would to be to get away from themselves, and i almost feel ashamed of myself for even knowing this, because im 21 years old, and i sit here and act like im 45, and i should be having fun and not even be knowing these things or even be worrying about these things, but the misery from my anxiety just gave me the ability to grasp these ideas and know they're true...its a crazy thing...but again, this is just my little half-way online journal or whatever the **** you wanna call it...good bye people...


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

survival thats all I know


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

only the strong survive...

today got me thinking, and i really dont even know who i am, but then again, i do...i really dont know how to even explain it, because i really do/did want to quit marijuana, but i havent, i havent bought weed and almost did today, and the only reason for this is because the people i know smoke weed, and im really tired of being the way i am and just doing things i dont wanna do, and i still do it...i talk alot of **** also, i say things and dont do them, and i do have big influences on my life that are bad, they're just bad influences, the people i know just do things that i dont want to do, and the only real people i can turn to is family, and its like i just wont quit smoking...its not like im smoking all day cause im not, but i do smoke at night time and it doesnt help me but i always do it, and its so ****in dumb, i realize its "hard" and that always seems to be the excuse for an addict, and thats what i am, and im really sick of waiting for things to happen, granit, ive been putting my work in only the slightest bit, ive tried for jobs, and i already know that if and when i get a job it wont change anything because ive already had a job and know what it feels like to get a job and its not the greatest feeling in the world but it is satisfying...im just sick of the mind i got, i know im a good person, but my addiction problems are just real, and i know they do not help me but yet i get that "high" and it feels good, as sad as that is...i dont stoop extremely low cause thats just something i cant do, i mean, i dont even know...my anxiety has gottin better and i know this for a fact because i dont feel it as much anymore, but my sweating problem is still here, its like now, insead of anxiety and sweating, i just sweat when im around people for the most part, because just today i went somewhere and my armpits are sweating and so are my hands, i wouldnt say that my hands are as bad as my armpits sweating wise, but i just sweat too much in my opinion, like if i wear one Tshirt thats a light gray or orange or red or something, my armpits would defenatly have stains on them from sweat, and certain times i havent really sweated, and other times i do...i know that one day it has to get better to where i dont really sweat, and i just dislike waiting for it, and i dislike the people ive became to know as friends...today i just went to the local pool by myself because nobody wants to do anything and i saw all kinds of people who were just sober and seemed happy, alot of kids and just people my age, and these are the people i want to know, but its so hard being me because its so hard for me to focus on things when my armpits are sweating and my hands are sweating, i really try my hardest to get my mind right and just forget it, but its just so ****in hard, and its hard to deal with, i think im becoming a little depressed, or more depressed just because of my sweating, its crazy such a little thing can do this...cause i honestly dont care too much about my armpit sweat, i just really dislike how my hands sweat, because they will even sweat if im just sitting at home by myself, it has gottin a little better...and i have cut back a whole lot on marijuana so i pretty much do know who i am, but then i smoke and it alters my mind and i forget who i am...its just so rough for me, i know eveyrone has problems and we are all different, but my problems ruin alot of things just like everyone elses, and as i write my **** that i write, i just realize that things really arent that bad and i just never give myself a break...because my anxiety has gottin so much better, because the pool was packed today and i didnt even feel anxiety, like i really didnt feel any, i even had someone i knew come up and talk to me and i didnt even remember where i met him at lol and i had no anxiety, it was just gone, and it probably has something to do with the setting i was in with the pool and everything, just a relaxing place, and then its like when im other places and my hands start sweating or my armpits get a little drip i become nervous about me and if people notice me sweating, as dumb as that sounds thats how i feel, and i just dont like it at all...my parents have said that they sweat or have sweat alot and i know its just because of who i came from and who i am, and im literally just coming from the bottom up period, im coming from the complete botton to up, and i know that it will build my "character" and make me a stronger person as soon as all this dulls down and i dont sweat as much, because i will know what its like and my anxiety will always be a part of my life and i will know what its like to have a problem you really just dont have control over, and as twisted as it may sound, my problems just make me a better person, because i see things from everyones perspective, the gay, the short, the fat, the everything, i see it from everyones perspective...and i know that sweating isnt really such a big deal, but to me it is, because i have to put off so many things because i sweat so much, like i dont even want a relationship with a girl right now and im not even going to try to look just because of my hands, because I know that I wont be able to hold anyone or anything without Me feeling uncomfertable, i just wanna be comfertable with myself and i truely am not, and im not going to put myself in something i cant really handle lol, that handle part made me laugh, but anyways...i still love being me, and i count my blessings everyday, because i know im an attractive person and i am accepted by the normal community, im just so tired of waiting, because ultimately i can see my sweating problem stopping because my anxiety has almost left me, it almost really has because i havent been blushing much at all lately, not much at all, and my anxiety is just so slight, and with the slightest anxiety i blush, and i havent experienced much anxiety and when i do its so slight and never really lasts, and just with me literally overcoming my anxiety, and making it as less as it is, it just gives me hope that one day my sweating will do the same...cause im the type of person who believes in signs, because everyday there are times of the day when i dont sweat much at all, and then there are times of the day when it just really sucks, and it was the same with my anxiety, i would notice it not there and then when it was there it sucked, and now my anxiety is just not nearly as bad as it was, not even close to be honest, but its so hard to just have hope but i know i will never give up, and the higher power, whatever it is will just take me when its my time, i fear death, death puzzles me because i want to know what happens, but i fear it, and i could really type forever about my experiences and all that ****, but im done, if you read this thank you, i do appreciate it even though i will never know because only 2 people have responded lmao, but somebody is view'n my dumb *** ****, and i thank you  ...good bye everyone...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

im literally just bored out of my mind, and again, i feel like writing...

i dont even know, anxiety...my anxiety is still here, i feel kindof dumb for believing that it was almost gone because of the orientation i went to, yes--i do have a job now and the experience wasnt too pleasent to start with...my interview went "well" because i got the job, but i did blush once pretty bad in my opinion, and i ****in hated it, i hated myself that whole day, but that went by...then i had to go to orientation, but before that i had to go back to the job and show my manager some papers, and it kindof went well, i felt alright about it...but i got to the other site of the orientation, and thats when the serious trouble started...it started off with me being nervous, then some lady looked at my paper and told me to fill things out that i must have forgottin to fill out, and she tried to tell me to write more legibaly, and just the way she said it kindof pissed me off...then i had to go upstairs to the orientation room and i had to stand and fill something out at this womans desk, and i bent down and began to blush and sweat which just ate me...then i got to the seat i was sitting in, and there was only 2 other people there with me, and then the guy started the orientation...and during this time im just trying to focus, so he's talking about something and some other co-worker walks in and he says, 'well he knows' or somethin, and i literally just paniced, and it ****in sucked so bad, and i got extremely hot and i began to sweat on my face and head, which has never happened before in my life, i never sweat like that, i just would turn red, i wasnt dripping sweat like i was playing basketball, but i got a real rush and began to sweat and i noticed a couple drips on my neck...but the thing about this happening, is that i didnt quit, and i actually talked during the orientation to everyone...the thing with me, is that i dont like giving my opinion because i really doubt myself, which is something i have to get over, i just have to know that im the **** and cant nobody stop me, and this is something im working on...cause yea, social anxiety is real, but its not just social anxiety, there are things that lead up to this, and i think that my number one problem is serious lack of confidence, cause i mean, im the type of person who compares things, cause thats just what i do...i dont live in a dark world anymore and i believe in overcoming and winning, i dont believe in giving up, at least not no more, and i just wont do it, i must come out on top and thats just what it is...and my struggle is real, i can deal with the way that my hands sweat, and my armpits have been alright...

side note--if anyone has serious problems with armpit sweat, like me, because i would still have stains on my shirts if i wore like 3 shirts, ide still have a little stain on that third one, and what i have done was just steady using maxim roll on deoderant at night, and i use mitchum like once or twice during the day, and this really can work if you stick with it, it wont happen over night, but it has helped me...

now back to topics...but my armpits have been okay, and im just focused, i just dont care about simple **** that you really dont have to work for, for example...you dont have to work to get friends, friends will come either way, same with any relationship, thats just how it works, those type of things just come, i mean of course once they're in front of you, you have to give it that little extra push, but thats easy...but what isnt easy for us, is the small talk needed to do this, so i just dont rush...im focused on having money and working on social skills, because any human has the ability to adapt to anything, thats just how it works, if you take one look around you will see everyone doing something that they are good at that the next person couldnt match, and all this is, is practice, maybe a little bit of talent, but hard work and determination will beat talent with no determination, but if you mix talent and determination you will see something special lol...im not sayin that my way of fighting this disorder is the right way, (and by the way, im not even on medication anymore steadaly, i did take some of my effexor after my interview because i hated myself, but im on a small dose and i only took one pill for like 4 days and i havent take'n one in about 3 days)..but im not saying my way is the right way, but i know that trying to get into a relationship, whatever it may be, when you arent ready just isnt good, i have been there, i forced myself into a relationship with a female, and it was horrible because i couldnt do anything that i wanted to do because i hated ****, and i couldnt even talk to anyone in public, it was just bad...i really dont know where im going with this, im just talking the way i talk, and i know this **** will take time to get over, and im not there yet, but i see it...the past couple days at work have gone just fine, couldnt really ask for anything better, i just force myself to do things i would never do before...im the most "cliché" mother ****er you will ever meet, i will compare anything to anything to get a point across, and i just believe you gotta crawl before you walk, because you do, its simple fact, no baby just up and started walkin, you have to crawl before you walk, and you cannot jump up a flight of stairs unless your superman, and thats just what it is  lmao...but, if you read, thank you, im open to anybodies comments, and i would appreciate it, thank you again and good bye....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

good 'ol life section...i really dont know what to talk about, i mean, i think overall, all together, ive been feeling alright, not really where i want to be, but i feel well...i actually woke up this morning and didnt have the thought of "whats the point"...im just extremely focused right now, im just focused on social skills, and money...and right now, where i work, im not getting much hours and it kindof gets me aggrivated, but this is just part of my progress of becoming better...i dont think i will ever be able to stop myself from being red, like the little blush on my face which is sooo cute any ****in ways so whatever...but i would like it to go away forever, but i just dont think it will, cause i think weve all seen people on tv who just have that look where there cheeks are kindof pink, and thats just the way i look, and when i get hot, i get redder...but what i want to stop is the embarassement and the turning extremely red...

im not on medication anymore, the last time i had a real bad panic was at my orrientation a couple weeks ago, which is good, cause it was a while ago...and i just know that this will take time...i feel good somedays and i think 'oh ****, its over' and i find out quickly that it isnt, so ive quit thinking like that which is why im so focused as of right now...i literally dont even like being inside anymore or by myself...like, i have to just be around people, and with me just saying that lets me know that i am progressing little by little, which is only what it is...

yesterday, i went to work and got off early which didnt really upset me but it was an annoyance...but i worked for about 3 and a half hours, and i was with people...i went home and stayed inside untill this one guy i know got home, went to the post office with him, then drove a quick second (my slang for a while) to some job he wanted an application from...and with me, ive paniced and still do around people i know very well, but yesterday i was in the car with him and i didnt panic, i was talking and we ended up at a UDF drug store, and i bought a drink and had to wait for my change because they didnt have it at the moment, and nothing really went bad...as the night progressed i didnt become more anxious but in one instance i did blush...and it annoyed me, but i think, that it was just once out of the whole day, and this was at like 11 pm maybe, and i was up sense like 6 am...and it wasnt a horrible blush, it was just a blush...

and i honestly believe that this is all mental, which isnt a surprise because its a mental illness...but what i mean is, that its mind over matter...cause i can almost bet that all of us got worse over time, and it just got worse and worse and we were all just very confused and we didnt know what to do, and we just kept diggin the hole deeper without even know'n it...and i just really believe, that over time we can progressively get better and better...because if you do try, things do become easier and thats also just what it is...

i hate being so optimistic sometimes, because i have bad days...but i just cant stop being optimistic...and i talk about the **** ups i know who are my "friends"...and its almost like everything that has happend to me is for a reason...because ive always been good, like goody goody, always...i never started smoking weed untill 10th grade summer, and in 10th grade, on the weekends i would just play basketball, or video games, and thats all i ever did, and i was happy, i was literally so happy...i mean, dont get me wrong, i have always been shy, ive blushed in class when i was younger, but it was never a serious problem or day to day thing...and now its an issue...and i just think of the **** ive done and the people i do know, and all they do is horrible ****...I, honestly, never really liked liked girls untill my senior year, i never noticed girls noticing me untill then, and it was mostly good girls or i would say, but im not going to get into that...but i mean, i just think everything that has happend to me is for a reason, cause i ****ed up, and only me, and i just believe that whatever is happining to me is for a reason, cause i was never a bad person, never really made fun of anyone unless i hated you and even then i wouldnt, and by the way, ima late bloomer, very late, i really didnt even hit puberty untill like 11th grade, cause thats when i started shootin up and people were like, geeze nathaniel you got tall, but im seriously getting off topic...but about my friends, there all pretty much stuck in a bad spot, they dont have my problems, but they got others, my issues are real, but besides that everything else seems well...but my friends, i just look at them and i dont wanna be them, my one good friend has been in an "on and off" relationship with some dumb girl, and all they do is drink, and thats it, and i just cannot see myself like that or in a relationship of anykind for that matter that is like that...my other friend ive known for a while is with some girl who pops xanax, been on meth, methidone, and she's just nasty, been to rehad and ****, but she wont stop...and i just dont want that, i cant be in a relationship period with a mother ****er like that, im not lookin down or nothin, cause i realize people got there problems, but god damn...

i mean i dont know...i still do smoke weed, but not often, i dont really drink, but i still have...but im not chemicly dependent anymore because i go to work sober every day and things go smothly cause i do talk to people and i just try to pretend they are people i know very well...dont get me wrong, cause im not anywhere near close to being where i want to be, i have a ways to go...ive waited 21 years for what ive wanted, so i know i can wait longer, but my time is wearing thin, but my progress is real...i just try to focus, and practice social skills, and take small step by small step, and im really not letting anything get into my way, cause ive learned from the past that i do have, that you can not force ****, if you force something it will be forced and more than likely ugly and it wont look good, just like basketball...and thats what i compair life to...thanks for reading  ...of course, if you did...bye...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

im just writing, im off, bored, and its 10:30 in the morning, and im writing.

if people read my posts or whatever, they are long, but i like writing them because we are all the same people, and my struggle is real, its theraputicle, and i just like writing, gettin my thoughts out...

but positive thinking...i try to think about whats positive in my life, and its hard to even be positive when i have this panic issue...i obsess over my problems a hell of a lot, i just obsess and it makes it harder for me to even enjoy myself...im startin to believe that marijuana has a decent cause in my anxiety, cause i'll wake up and seem alright, but as the day goes by my body just becomes hot, just hot, little flushes or whatever...and ive read that withdrawal from alcohol and marijuana include anxiety, so i mean, it cant help...

but positive things...i do have a job, and i actually do talk to people, and sometimes even as im working i'll be talking, which is hard for me just cause it is, which is something ide like to work on...i greet costomers too...when i first started i didnt know what to say just in general, its not like i didnt know what to say, i just never know what to say to anyone, so the first week or so it didnt go, great...but now it has become easier...and the only reason i believe its easier is because i actually set my mind to it and went through the pain with the mind set of beating it instead of it beating me *shrugs*...thats just how i thought of it and it has been better...

im seeing a dermotoligist because of my palms, cause they like to sweat all day, every day, and i hope i get ****in somethin...uhhh, my armpits dont sweat as much anymore, ive been seeing movies lately, i saw mirrors, and it was just wierd...and saw 5 is coming out halloween, and i seriously cant wait untill its out, i love saw movies...

i got a little interesting story...i was at work, and some older lady came in who is the managers wife, and she has an aggresive personality, so when i first saw her i was next to a co-worker and she was like 'who is this'...and i just said 'nate'...and she says 'whos hank' to my co-worker...and i said 'no, nate, and looked at my nametag' and she's like 'im too old to read that'...and i kindof laughed and went about my business...so i do something, come back to the garage and she's stand there lookin at me, and i just look back thinkin 'what are you lookin at'...and she gave me like the same look and said 'are you always this scared' and i just kept walkin, then she said 'are you always this quiet too'...and i just nodded my head up and down and walked on and continued with doing me...

then im sitting holding this sign in the sun cause i dont want to stand...and she comes up like 'why are you in the sun, the shade is there' and i said 'i dont feel like standing'....and she's going on, blah blah, and she's like 'why are you so quiet'...and i said 'theres a reason for everthing'...and she's like 'why?'...and im thinkin, i cant sit and explain this ****, so im not, and i was like 'its a long story'...so then blah blah, i told her 'anxiety'...and she's like, 'i had that, who cares'...goin on about, 'you got good things going for you, your attractive, good build, just who cares about anxiety'...and i dont know, it was just wierd...i guess it made me feel alright, i did take it lightly cause im just focused...i really dont care who says what about me or who i talk too, cause im just focused, i can not let **** get into my way, cause my plan is in action as of now, and my steps are being take'n...so i honestly dont even care what this lady said, cause im too focused to get sidelined...i really just dont care about other people anymore...

and i dont care too much about friends anymore...im honestly fine going to work and practicing talking and getting better and coming home to nobody...im not really fine with that but i'll do it if i have to, which is what im going to have to do when we move anyways...

and im just so focused right now, its unbelievable, i just dont care about **** besides small talk, real talk, conversation talk, and just talk, and make'n money...i dont care about relationships at the moment, none of that ****, i got too many issues to bring somebody else in my life, too many issues, just too many...and i would never try to get with anyone just because my issues, cant do it, wont do it...and i dont like being this young with these problems that i just obsess over...

but in all reality, actuallity, the time being...im doin alright, i still get very frustrated and i still do hate myself some of the time...but again, once again, i am getting better, its just never ending...my struggle is real, my recovery is real, and thats just what it is, peace.


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

> but positive thinking...i try to think about whats positive in my life, and its hard to even be positive when i have this panic issue...i obsess over my problems a hell of a lot, i just obsess and it makes it harder for me to even enjoy myself...im startin to believe that marijuana has a decent cause in my anxiety, cause i'll wake up and seem alright, but as the day goes by my body just becomes hot, just hot, little flushes or whatever...and ive read that withdrawal from alcohol and marijuana include anxiety, so i mean, it cant help...
> 
> but positive things...i do have a job, and i actually do talk to people, and sometimes even as im working i'll be talking, which is hard for me just cause it is, which is something ide like to work on...i greet costomers too...when i first started i didnt know what to say just in general, its not like i didnt know what to say, i just never know what to say to anyone, so the first week or so it didnt go, great...but now it has become easier...and the only reason i believe its easier is because i actually set my mind to it and went through the pain with the mind set of beating it instead of it beating me *shrugs*...thats just how i thought of it and it has been better...


lmao, i started each 'paragraph' with the same 'sentence'...just thought ide point that out...


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## xdefiance (Aug 30, 2008)

bignate said:


> and i figure, if i can be happy on drugs, i'll do it....cause out of everything, i just wanna be happy in being me, and if i need drugs, i need them...ive just came with terms, my anxiety is just hard to handle, and i cant do anything about it, its just part of my brain, and who i am....


Thanks for saying this. My friends and family have constantly told me to get diagnosed and get on medicine. I myself think that it would help. but there is a part of me that thinks i'm being weak for taking it or something. like its my problem and only i should deal with it.. i'm not trying to offend anyone who's on meds. if you need them you need them. and what you just said there made me realize i should go see a doctor. thanks

-Jeff

and i guess that is positive?


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

yea, i thought that when i was really sick/depressed and mad at everything...

im not on medicine anymore, i think its all in small steps and keeping negitivity out of your life, everything takes time, and sadly there is no magic pill...maybe for a week or something, but then you dont even remember what happened and the effect doesnt work as well anymore...good luck though, and thanks for posting....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

well...

with all the negetivity that i seem to bring into my life and step right into, its hard to even think positive, and when i dwell on the only two problems i really have, blushing and sweaty palms, its hard...cause those two problems can ruin things, expecially the sweaty palms in my opinion, but, being in the positive thread of mine, i gotta try to be somewhat positive...

ive chose to quit smoking and drinking again, and i do want to do it this time, and it will be a very lonely road but ive chose this path *shrugs* so what am i going to do...

also, im convinsed that my drug use with marijuana has made my anxiety worse, much worse, im just positive...cause ive done my homework in this field of anxiety and drug abuse, and ive read things that all point to the obvious...cause supposivly marijuana brings out the problems you already have and makes them worse in the long run, and ive never been the outgoing guy, ive always been quite but i never had a problem with _sitting_ in'a mother ****in room with other people talking...sorry, but im just saying...but im convinsed, cause i look back, and over the years of smoking marijuana, i got pleanty worse, and it got to a very bad spot and just seemed to stay there...but over the years, every single year it did get worse...and my plan back then was, 'yea dewd, lets get ****ed up man, i hope i get ****ed up today dude'...and as dumb as it sounds, i believe it ****ed me up, it ****ed me all up...granit, i didnt hit puberty untill about 10th grade, but when i hit puberty and my voice started getting deeper i never got more anxious, i was never anxious for that matter, ive blushed in the past, but it was never a constant problem day to day, i could talk in a class room if i got called on, only when i was completely clueless was when i would turn red if a teacher called on me, or if i got in trouble, and it wouldnt even happen every time then, or if other kids picked on me cause they were jealous, or if a girl talked to me that i liked lol...but it was never a ****in problem...and now i use drugs and i ****in hate myself....

i already know what i need to do to become better with my anxiety, i just have to practice, and force myself to do things i wouldnt normally do socially, its that simple to be honest, it will hurt and it does, but everything worth the while will hurt for the most part...but if i continue to use and abuse, i just hate myself and my anxiety becomes worse, so why in the **** do i do it??...ive told my 'friends' about my problems, yet they want to 'hit me up' and get '****ed up' all day...i just think, do they even respect me?...i know for a fact they respect me in one sense, the basketball court, cause they have to, cuase i bust *** on the court, period...but thats besides the point...

ive pretty much dug my own hole for four years, and im not lye'n, i got progressivly worse each year, i remember...cause 11th grade, the first year i began to smoke on a daily basis, ide blush in class over stupid **** that nobody should blush over, that i never would have blushed over before, but it wasnt bad and i didnt hate myself...12th grade came, and it got worse, i bairly could even talk in class without blushing, to pretty much anyone, expecially towards the end of that year...i pretty much blaim it on marijuana and the good old fasion broke'n heart, and wanting something and not knowing how to get it and embarassing my self when trying...but i graduated, walked, and that day was a day, i'll tell you...i might as well tell the story for the curious SA minds...its not really a good story, but check it...i graduated...the girl i wanted to talk too i didnt talk too and it made me cry in the car ride home, and i was ducking in the back by the window so my parents couldnt see it...and before graduation i talked my mom into getting me two fourty ounce malt liquor fourties...i drank the first down quick, and i was ballin like a little girl cause i lost the first girl i really had feelings for, but i did nothing about it thanks to good 'ol SA...but i drank the first, im cryin lookin in the mirror (this isnt supposed to be in'a sad tone so dont take it that way)...but im lookin in the mirror, and i guess i checked my pockets and found some money...so i hit up the dope man and got a sack, walked up to a gas station that took a good 40 minutes to get up too, got it, went back home, but during this walk i was listening to the new 50 cent album at the time, the massacare, which wasnt too good, but nevertheless...got it, came home, drank the other fourty, probably quicker than the first, called my one friend and asked if he wanted to smoke, went to this spot in the creek that we used to go to...and im messed up, badly, and we smoked a little and im just leanin with my head on my knees just messed up, he left and i sat there with my head down-eyes closed for a good 40 minutes or so after he left, found the strength to get up, stumbled across the creek (its very low) and just fell completely forward and just layed there for about 10 minutes, got up, went home, and went to sleep...thats how my graduation went...but now i have to scroll back up to figure out what the **** i was talking about...

oh yea...but 12th grade went by, and i wanted to take a year off of school and just work before i went to college...my anxiety is rough right now, i find a job, and wouldnt you know it, another girl that had my mind all messed up...she was like me, the first time i spoke to her it was only me and her at the job, and she blushed...i couldnt believe it, but i loved it, but she was mad and i could tell, she was younger than me and must have been going through it...but i liked her so much...and we both figured out that we both smoked weed some how and one day i asked 'so when are we gonna smoke?' just being nice, and she just kindof looked down and said 'i dont know' and walked out real quick...i now know why she did that, but when she did, i seriously felt like she didnt want me...and right once that thought happend everything went down the drain...to make a long story short, that experience at that job was horrible, she ended up leaving the job and i just was smoking and drinking while on the clock and ****, making my anxiety worse and not knowing it...i also think some of my anxiety comes from my missed opportunities with females that ive actually felt feelings for....

but all this **** happend, ended up selling marijuana making enemies, i suggest no one does it...but this went by, anxiety is through the roof at this time...i end up in college...

college was the worse experience i have ever been through in my lifetime...only thing good about it was me playing basketball, and that even was very very hard, my social anxiety just messed up everything, but i look at what ive done, and i cant do anything but blame myself...i smoked weed like a mother ****er being young and niave like i was mister big shot and it literally has bittin me in the ***...im just convinsed that it's made my anxiety worse than it should have been...and i figure, if i gotta quit, i just gotta start now, cause im still young, and i still do have a chance...i chose every friend i have based on pot smoking, and thats just what it is, so ive chose'n this ****, and ive picked my spots so i have to do what i gotta do...cause im sick of hating myself, im just over it...believe me, i know this is hard, and i already know it will be hard, but i gotta ****in do it, im sick of it, i just truely am....

some more, positivity if you will...i just finished playing basketball, and im startin to get my jumper back a little bit...i bought new jordans that cost me 133 dollars and i gotta say they do help, you havent hooped untill you've hooped in some jordans and thats the truth...but now im actually jumping and shooting instead of shooting and jumping, if you can understand that, but if you dont i understand...

but yea, i have a plan, and i just hope myself the best to be honest, cause only i can do it...i have conversations in the mirror all day like, 'look at you, you look horrible'...lookin back and just stairing at myself, im just sick of that and i truely want to get better...and i really do have to sacrafice and force myself to grow up...im still suppost to be moving if anyone caught that cause i posted it somewhere, i think it was the 'what are you looking forward to' thread...but yea, im moving soon or whenever we sell this house and that cant do anything but help me...but for the time being i just have to start my plan instead of waiting for us to move, cause its getting sickning...but...thats about it, thanks for reading if you did  ...bye...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i dont even know, im in a good mood for whatever reason im in a good mood for...i didnt even play basketball today, i dont even know...

but honestly, being 100% honest with myself, i do know why im in a good mood...

work went well...it was going bad though, cause i swear that right once i went to sleep my alarm went off, so i was very tired...and i had to work at eight o'clock, and it was a drag, then i went on break, tried to go to sleep and someone walked into the break room or whatever its called, and laughed and offered me a cigarette...so i smoked it, but im getting into minor details...

i was working, and i just started talking to myself, i started a little 'freestyle' to myself lol, im a big rap fan, but i only freestyled infront of someone when i was drunk, twice...and the second time i tried this guy said, 'your done' just real quick, it kindof upset me, but whatever, cause i was just having fun...and i also did once when i was on pills, klonopin, but everytime ive take'n those ive take'n alot, i was probably on three 2 mg. ones at that time with weed in my system...but that time i freestyled i did it for like 3 minutes straight, i was just going and not caring, and i got good feedback and my one friend said i was good...so that was tight...but today i just started talking to myself not caring what co-workers where going to say...no one heard me 'freestyle' but i swear, for some reason, it made my day alot better, and it was easier to talk...

i dont even know, im just talkin about bull **** right about now...i dont really know what to say, i read these passages anyways, so if people dont read them they dont read them, this helps me, ive said it before, and i also like to give my life experiences so people can try to relate, and maybe even help people, i dont know, like i said, i do this for myself, and if it helps or inspires you...well actually, i dont just do this for myself, cause i could just write in my journal or diary, i do do this for everyone, and myself...

but...i went to a dermotologist a week or so ago because of my palms, and i think the drysol that he perscribed me may be working, ive been useing it every night though, and im just not giving up on it, something i cant do...ive been sober for the past three days, this day being the fourth...and i posted about how i got in a verbal, almost physicle fight with my "friends" and now i dont feel like i have to talk to them ever again, and i really think that this helps me...because i dont feel obligated to call these guys, one in particular, just to keep the 'relationship' going, cause they do nothing but smoke and talk about the past, and that is really old to me, so are drugs...only **** im perscribed to is drysol, its all i want, i really dont even want it, but sweaty palms get to me very easaly, so i guess i feel like i need it *shrugs*...

but yea, im in a decent mood, it feel like my thoughts are jumping...i think its because ive sobered up...i really do want to quit, and its really simple to do, just do it...thats the way im looking at alot of things now, just do them, shut up, and do it...the other day this girl came into work and she went into the lobby and i saw from the garage (jiffy lube) that nobody was helping her, and she did not look bad at all, and i felt anxiety and i felt myself blushing a little bit, but i said **** it and went to ask what the problem was...and she didnt give me a crazy look, which made me happy...she just said something about some light and i said 'your going to want to talk to him' and left...it seemed to go well, i try not to get sidelined with other **** because i want to overcome my anxiety as much as i can before i try anything else in this life...but with how i talked and just forced myself to do this, its a small step, and thats exactly what we need...i forced myself to do it, but it was the right thing to do, cause i would have regreted it all day, even if it wasnt a sexy girl, i would have regreted not doing what i should have done...

but...thats how im living now, im trying to live with no regrets, cause im seriously just over doing drugs, and im over not doing **** i want to do, im over trying to please other people...dont get me wrong, im not going to turn into a selfish self absorbed person who doesnt care about other peoples emotions, ive never been like that, i listen and try to understand all day...but i just know what i want *shrugs*...and i guess everything happens for a reason...i could seriously go on for alot longer lol but i'll stop, cause this is getting random dude, thanks for reading if you did  ...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

im so bored right now...im 'off' today, and was off yesterday so i guess im feeling a little more postive about what life is for me...i did have to go in today for an hour because they were short of people but then people started showing up so i got to go home, and it went perfectly fine i guess...hands still do sweat more than i would like, and i just can not stand it...

this is my second day of not smoking cigarettes...today someone at work asked if i wanted one and i said 'no, im quitting'...and he said 'oh, your trying to quit'...and i was like 'no, i am quitting'...i havent smoked weed in like two weeks but i did drink a couple nights ago, and it was fun, i cant act like it wasnt, but its just not worth it for me because the next day i felt completely ****ty and that day went horrible...its like i get socked in the face and get up and do the same **** to get socked again, and im just done doing it, im just staying strong...

and i remember, the last time i was with my "friend" he was trying to tell me that he thought the panic problem i had, only females have it, and he's tryna talk **** about it to hurt me...then i say 'what?, are you trying to hurt me?'...and he's like 'if i wanted to hurt you i would do it physicly'...and i just laughed, cause i honestly believe i would **** him up, cause he doesnt fight, and im not conceeded at all, but i am taller and longer, and i just dont think he could do anything, same with the other little dumb **** i was going to hurt...but anyways, he's tryna say i have a female problems, which is funny cause ive sometimes thought that, but he's kindof big as in fat, and i thought about saying something about the thing fat guys have in common with females...but i only thought about this after that altercation happened, and i would love to see him again, cause he knows what i want to do, and i dont know if he knows it or not, but im doing it, cause im done with self destruction, and i just cant go back into it again, i just cant...but if i ever seen him again, i dont know if he would want to hang out again, but i would give him a piece of my mind that he would not expect...with him, i already know he thinks that every thing should go his way, he wouldnt expect me to put him in his place like he deserves...same with this dumb female i knew for like a week, and shes tryna say 'why cant we be friends?'...and its like 'no, i didnt talk to you so we could be friends'...and she got all heated and i thought it was funny, people who think they get whatever they want and i make it to where they cant, that **** just makes me laugh...i mean, i consider myself a good person, but im an *** hole, im nice if you get to know me, but if you dont get to know me im an *** hole...and this girl was a *****, i remember i had a horrible day at work when i worked with her, and i said 'i think im going to quit'...and she just looked at me like 'well thats your problem not mine'...and all i wanted was some comfert and help to make me not quit, and that was just wrong of her to say, expecially the way she said it...i dont forget things like that, expecially when my "friend" said he didnt ever trust me, and its not what these people said, its how they said it...but, i would just love for me "friend" to see me and try to talk to me again, i would love it...

cause i believe im getting better, slowly, as in slow as ****, but surely...and i know if i quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana and stop drinking, i just believe my anxiety will get better...cause all of those make anxiety worse when you feel like you need it, and thats exactly how i feel, i already know i have anxiety and im kindof shy, cause i would blush sometimes when i was younger, but it was never, ever as serious as it is now, never panicing or nothing, hands never sweated all day, and my anger issues, i get so pissed, i can always get mad and laugh at myself though cause i think its funny because we all get so mad in this family over the dumbest things ever, its just what we do...and whenever i see it, its hilarious, expecially with my brother...when i was younger, i had my friend stay the night and we were playing Super Punch Out for supernes, which is a very good game, and he was playing the final boxer and couldnt beat him, and he halfway sat up, while looking at the screen, and put his hand in a fist like he was holding something, and was saying '**** **** **** me backwards'...oh my goodness, it was so funny cause he was actually mad, he wasnt just bull ****tin, and my friend was laughing...and thats just what we do, but what makes me depressed is when i get anxiety and i feel like a nervous wreck, i hate that more than enough...

but, i dont even know what to think...i just want my hands to quit sweating...ive been waking up at like eight or nine o'clock in the morning every morning lately, i just force myself...and my body does feel a little better, i would say, i try to analyze it and really see if i do feel better, cause i dont want to lie to myself, but i think the slightest bit i do, but i hate "the slightest bit" because you can never really tell, if that makes any sense to you...

i just dont even know, i feel like i have to put everything i want on hold because of my problems and the choices ive made...i want to blame it on something so bad, and i just cant, i have to look in the mirror and analyze everything...i want to blame it on social anxiety, but me being me, i just cant do that, i cant lye down and let this **** beat me...no matter how many times i get knocked on my ***, i have to get up, you know...i just wish it was easier sometimes, but it never will be, these are just things i have to accept...i dont know, thanks for reading if you did...and feel free to post something if you would like, bye.....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

hello everyone...well, i always say 'im getting better' and it really is kindof, annoying, to me...but, its true...

ive quit smoking cigarettes, i quit marijuana, and i doubt i will be drinking any time soon, i mean, i can see myself drinking again, but not anytime soon, expecially not a night before work...but i know if im going to drink its not going to be any time soon at all...i still crave marijuana and cigarettes, but i just dont smoke, its really that easy, but its hard because you just feel like you need it...it feels kindof decent that i dont feel like i need these things anymore...hands are still sweating, but i think that the drysol that my doctor has givin me is working slowly, but it is annoying...

i had to go see him a couple days ago, and it was depressing, just cause of the simple fact that i hate going to the doctors because of issues that are day to day that seem to ruin things...but after it was over i felt 'better,' again...ive also been forcing myself to work out and play basketball, and i know im in better shape, i can actually dunk again, i aint no vince carter, but i get up high enough to dunk it again, i used to be able to jump and get half of my forearm above the rim, but now i can only get like an inch below my wrist...and i jump off of one foot, i can bairly get up off of two which annoys me, but its whatever, ima jumpshooter anyways, i really want to get on a team so i can actually play and practice and get conditioning...but i just have to do that myself for the time being...

i think now, that 'overcoming' this disorder, you have to commit one hundred percent, like you cant just do 'part' of it...im not saying i got all the answers and i know everything, but i believe im knowlegable and i go through this **** every single day of my life...but, what i mean is, you have to do everything to eleminate anxiety, cause everyone experiences anxiety, we just have a whole lot of it, and every negitive thing you can think of causes anxiety, and thats just period, and unhealthy diet makes it worse, drugs make it worse, nicotine, alcohol, it all makes it worse, and always running away from social events or whatever...i just think the best way to overcome it is healthy diet, exersize, and just forcing yourself to try to speak up whenever you possibly can, not letting it beat you...i mean, i could preach all mother ****in day, but it all comes from within us, im not saying ive had it the worse, but ive known people with this anxiety disorder, ive seen people on t.v. with it, and it never seems that bad, we just make it that bad, and it feels that bad...i just seriously believe in believing...

its funny though, cause today i ran into a friend i havent seen in a while...if anyone can remember i once posted something a while ago about how i needed some weed, so i called everyone i never talk to, and i got a hold of someone i knew when i was younger, and he got me it, and we went to get it and we stayed at the persons house for like twenty minutes, and i didnt say a word...and he was all trippin and ****, so i figured i would never try to call him...but it was him...he said he got in a fight with his girl friend and hit her and he just needed to drive somewhere and he felt like coming threw the "neighborhood" and i was out in the driveway,...its the neighborhood because a few of us who are friends live around here...but i start talkin because he said 'we need to go to the club sometime,' and i was like...'uhh, i really dont want to, ide have to be drunk and im done with everything'...and i was just telling him i quit everything and how my anxiety was horrible when i was smoking alot of weed and so forth...and it was crazy, cause he told me that he stopped smoking before for the same reason...and its just kindof crazy, cause i would have never guessed...he's not a bad guy, he hit his girl friend or whatever, but all they do is smoke and **** around with drugs, so what else can you expect...and his mom is like fourty one and she's on crack and ****, im not even lying, these are the people i know...everyone ive known has came out like this, its just depressing...

and we were out in my drive way, and like three houses down this girl was walkin to her door just stairing over and ****, it annoyed me, that type of stuff gets on my nerves, and im like 'they are always looking over here'...and he's like 'well maybe she likes you'...and im like 'i dont even care, im not ready for any relationship, i got too much **** on my mind and too many things i need to work on'...and he's like 'maybe thats what i need to do'...but he's sayin the same **** that ive been sayin, like how i couldnt quit weed because of the people around me, and he said its the same with him...and i told him that i understand...and were just talkin, and i dont feel that anxious really, my hands were sweating, but they werent completely wet...

i mean, i cant recite everything that was said because this post would be forever...but, im kindof 'salty' lol because he said for me to call him just to go shoot around or kick a ball, cause he likes soccer, and he's not bad but he has let himself go...but he says for me to call him, and im like 'just pick up'...and we parted our ways...then like an hour later i remembered i threw away all of my numbers and only kept like five whom i never call anyways, so i dont even have his number, which kindof sucks cause he could have been someone i could have done healthy activities with, but, thats how it goes...

other than that, my life is just basketball, working out, and going to work...i can practice social skills at work with greeting costomers, i talk to my parents and pretty much no one else, cause if you read, only people i know are drug addicts, and it sucks...i could just tell my friend was in pain, and it sucks, cause i really cant relate to his problems and him not having support from his parents, because my parents are good parents, i have nothing bad to say about them, i can only look in the mirror, i can try to imagine how hard it is for him, but i can never truely understand, i just wish i could help....

but, if you read, thank you  ...bye...feel free to post...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

im an idiot..if you read the above post, the guy im talking about is the same guy i talked about in the first post i made in this very thread, im just stupid...

but...im still staying strong, i dont smoke or drink, im not going to...while i was working about a week ago or something, a 'friend' stopped by and he was talking about how he was with my 'good friend' a couple nights ago because i told him that i dont even hang around him anymore...and he's like 'yea, i was with him a couple nights ago'...and i said 'what were you guys doing??,'..'just smoking and ****'...and im like 'what else is new'...but im talking to him and saying how i just quit everything, im done, i told him that i gained three pounds cause i did...but what makes that ****ed up is that i wieghed myself the next day, and i swear, i lost three pounds, and it depressed me, i was already depressed when i wieghed myself because i was at the plex and it was the day after i had a panic episode at work for no reason, and when i panic it really hits my self esteem hard, almost too hard...but on a good note i havent had one sense...

but my friend is talking to me, and he's just talking about everything that i dont like...'yea man, i was drunk as **** last night'...and im not even lying, every single story this guy tells starts out one of the two ways, i was high as ****, or i was drunk as ****...so im listening to him ramble about the same **** he's talked about for the last four years thinking to myself, i really consider him a friend?...i just wanted to knock my own self out...and he's like, 'well hit me up sometime'...and im like 'just pick up'...then i end up calling him because i actually did have his number, but no answer, shrugged it off and did what i was about to do, which was play basketball...

i see my dermitologist tomorrow and im going to mention my blushing and ask if there is something i can do to stop it from happening...i think with my blushing, it depends on how i feel inside, it sucks though, cause i really just cant sit, its hard for me to sit, expecially in the morning...if i work out, play basketball or take a run or something, then its much easier for me to sit down and not move around much, but besides that, its hard for me, i just feel like i have to get up...and when i feel like that i tend to blush...and its not like its easy for me to run or work out, i seriuosly hate it, every time i know i have to do it, im like '****, i dont even want to do this' but i do anyways cause it makes me feel better, its just hard work, and hard work builds confedence, and thats what i need dearly...i feel like if i had confedence, i would have the complete total package, im tall, considered "cute," which kindof pisses me off, i cant lie, but i guess its whatever, and i just believe all i need is confedence, cause more confedence equals less anxiety, and less anxiety equals more confedence, so its like a win/win situation, and that would just be wonderful...but i am going to mention my blushing tomorrow...my hand sweat has gottin better believe it or not, its not 'cured,' but im pretty confedent that it will be sooner or later...

also, i read a few of my first posts that i made here...and i really dont like them, i was lieing to myself alot, i was very niave, doing drugs, laughing about how i "had a few too many"...thats just not funny, thats pathetic, expecially if your dealing with anxiety, and i can never go back to that, i just cant do it, i wont do it...and then i read the post above this, and i feel ive become a hell of a lot more mature, and alot more rational...but even when i was making my firsts posts here, i was still working on making my anxiety better, ive been working steadily to overcome this...and from my first post, to what im writing now, i know ive progressed, its like im almost a different person, or different mind set, i do have a different mind set...

and...i got a 'review' from work, and it was good, i had an average review, cause im not taking that job as some type of career, which may be a problem, i need to start taking every thing serious...i just think this anxiety problem has a lot more to do with just not being able to talk, we've obviously all been threw some ****, something has happened, and some things are better left unsaid, its not like right once we popped out of the womb we had a panic attack...i mean, the chemicle imbalance is there, but i just cant not be optimistic, i cant tell you why, its just something i cant not do...but yea, i got my review and the main manager was saying i need to go 'faster,' which i can understand that because i really do take my sweet *** time, because people will be talking when they can help so i say **** it, but i'll stop doing that, and he also said to be like that song, 'dont worry be happy,' and i was like 'yea i know,' saying it in a way like you would tell your mom or dad...its funny, social anxiety reflects upon a lot of every single day activities...like thats something we all dont already know...

i dont know, oh yea...i was looking for a car this morning with my mom, and i was upset...i went to a retarded chat room this morning also, before i went to look for a car, and people at these chat rooms are ****ing pathetic, pathetic is my new favorite word...but these mother ****ers are some pieces of work, they are something else, they are so pathetic, not all the screen names, but some of them, their issues are threw the roof, and this mother ****er actually pissed me off...just talkin irrelevant ****, believe me though, i was getting my 'typed' words in as well, but god damn, im seriously done with that ****...but i was looking for a car, and i was kindof upset...we're looking, and im just thinking 'this is stupid' cause all these cars are fifteen thousand and all that, then we go to another place and my mom walked in and asked some person about the cars, and i just hated it, i just felt like a little boy who couldnt speak up, and it upset me, then after like ten minutes of being out i was like 'lets just go home'...i know that another reason i got upset was because i felt like i needed someone to hold my hand, and thats the way its been for so long, and it just upset me even more, because its like its all built up inside of me, and i just want to let everything go and do my own thing...im sick of being stuck at this house, i want to be independent in every single sense of the word, im so tired of depending on my parents for rides, health insurance, finding a car, eating, sleeping, a home...im grown right now, its not like im sixteen anymore...i was just upset this morning...

but besides my upsetting morning, things have been halfway smooth...i saw the butterfly effect this afternoon, and that is a great movie, the beggining may seem kindof cheesy, but its a great movie...it makes you think...he said at the end about his journals 'i already know who i am, i dont need all these to remind me' or something like that, and it made me think of this site in a way...but i like this site...ninety percent of the time, ninety five percent of the time i feel there is more positive than negetive feedback, and thats a very good thing...unless of course in the frustration threads lol, but i try to lift people like others have to me...but thats about it, good bye everyone....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

hi again people...

i dont know, ive been upset about my dermitologist appointment that i went to when the doctor saw me for literally one minute and left, and during that minute two nurses rushed in and left the door open for whoever was out there to hear everything, and it was very embarassing to me and pissed me off at the same time, so im not going back...

but besides that, ive thought about this site some, and i dont know if i want to really come to this site much more, or that often because i arleady know i have anxiety and i really dont need to be reminded, i get reminded every day anyways...and i cant really express myself the way i would like when i get mad, so there really isnt much of a reason for me to post that much anymore...and, i try to 'help' people, but we can only really help ourselves, we all know what to do, but we blame our anxiety, which is understandable, but sooner or later you have to do something about it like i have, and i cant really help anybody on this site, i cant really vent the way i would like, and i just dont know how often i will be coming back...its not like i dont like this site, i think it has helped me, but all it is, is a reminder of my anxiety, and i already know this, ya dig?? lol...

with me though, i was thinking today, i cant stop this anxiety, the only thing i can stop is it from happening at the worse possible time...cause today i went to work and didnt talk to anyone at first, did not feel good as usuall, then i had to clean a car out and i just felt real hot, i started sweating, but i didnt feel extremely hot and burning, i just felt hot, and i just kept thinking 'what the **** is wrong with me?'...today, i also made alot of eye contact, which i have never done before, it felt very uncomfertable, but i figured ide rather be uncomfertable than be anxious...i think its very easy to beat this disorder, it just takes the will and force of doing it no matter how you feel, and the word 'will' is kindof an iffy word with me, because i had a friend call me a few days ago and i told him like ive told every other person who ive talked to that i quit all drugs, cigarettes and alcohol, and hes like 'man, you have alot of will power'...and really, i dont, ive just forced it upon myself, i force myself to do **** that i dont really want to do but that i know i have to do, i dont think 'oh, well, its really not that bad if i just do this and dont do that'...no, cause it really is that bad...

ive also found out from this site that not everyone with social anxiety experiences blushing, i thought blushing was the only serious problem with this anxiety, and if i didnt blush i dont really think ide have much of a problem at all, but i guess the panic itself can be very hard...but ive learned from trying over and over that you just have to speak up, and you have to practice social skills and take, small, steps...i can not stress small steps enough, you gotta crawl before you walk, its so simple, its like picking up any skill, you have to crawl before you walk...any sport, you cant jump into professional, you have to play little league, reading, its not like we picked up shakespear and read it when we we're first learning how to read, its just so simple to me, and we have to wait, and thats what it is and what it always will be...i believe that all of our anxiety was years in the making, it got worse, and if you actually take all the right steps, make all the sacrafices...it will be years in the making, but it will be overcame, i just know this, its not even what i think anymore, i just know it...cause im actually at this job, and i actually speak, i conversate, i actually do it now, at popeyes six/seven months ago, i talked to no damn body, made no effort...jiffy lube, i made effort, i forced myself, and i have made progress, its just so simple, and all it takes is hard work, doing your research, and actually listening to professionals (therapists/physciatrists) when they dont tell you what you want to hear...its like we all want to hear 'take this pill and your world will be better' and thats just not the right way to go about it, im sorry, we all know it, we're just afraid of the hard work.

but i cant preach, i just feel like im talking to a wall...we all know what we have to do, you either do it, or you dont...i just know that one day this **** will all be over, if i just steadily do what i have to do, i just know it...im also probably going to go to the first doctor i ever went to when my anxiety was very bad, and im going to ask about a pill for blushing and blushing only...im just going to tell her, and im going to ask if she is able to perscribe drysol...and i know i wont get rushed in and out like fastfood with her...

and its not like im 'over' this, i think im very far from it, i dont know if i ever will be entirely to where i feel _no_ anxiety what so ever ever again, and i will never lie and say i am unless i completely do beat it...but i just know im on the right road, cause i have no doubts and no regrets, so i just know its there, its very hard, i'll be the first to say it, but nothing that anybody ever really wants is easy to get, unless you hit the lotto, and how many people do that...and if you hit the lotto big time you gotta share it with ten other people, so what the ****...

but, its not like i wont ever be back  lol...i just think it would be best for me to take a break from the internet all together, cause i find alot of bad vibes in the cyber world, and i once lived without it so i know i can do it again...but, i wish everyone the best and i hope you find the solution that you need...bye!!...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

hi everyone...

well, i like the new skin to the forum, honestly i liked the other one better, but this one is just fine...

i really dont know...my anxiety...my anxiety itself, i think really has improved, meaning, its not as bad as before...i still work at jiffy lube, and i do talk to people, i greet customers and i just try to make eye contact...eye contact is key i think, and actually listening, its hard, but i think its very nessicary...i really dont know, its been a while sense i got my thoughts out on paper, or a screne...

i pretty much take the same steps over and over each day but just take it that little bit further...i mean, i still blush and i do hate it, but not nearly as much...but now, ive come to a point where i know i can not stop it from happening, i just cant...ive tried to figure out why i blush, and i cant pin point it quite well, im still working on that...but i also know that i can not let it beat me anymore...cause i would blush and just get very upset and pissed off, and people can tell, i hear it at work all day that i never smile...i really believe i have gottin better though, like anything is new...

my hands still do sweat...i never went to see that dermetologist again and i never saw my doctor...

i think my worse symptom with anxiety is just nervousness, i get very nervous...its like over this road of life, ive just figured so many things out...i consider myself very wise...i talk to my manager who is a pretty old guy, he has to be seventy plus, and i just listen to what he says and sometimes he'll be saying something and i'll say "yea, you gotta start somewhere" and before he starts talking again, he repeats the same pun i used...and that to me shows that i understand why he's saying, and older people are always wise, expecially men, im not sexist, i know wemon are wise, but i think we all know the difference between men and weman...

with my drug addiction...i did fall off the wagon once, im not proud of it and im not going to tell you why i did because i dont believe in excuses...but i did, i drank that night also, smoked one cigarette, one wine and mild, and i took a 1mg xanax...i got home at five in the morning and i still woke up at a reasonable time, so it didnt ruin anything, and to be honest, i didnt feel too bad about myself that first day but the next i did, and that was about four days ago...and whats great about it, is that these four days werent drags, i just dont feel addicted to anything anymore...and i really dont plan on doing it anymore...i can see myself drinking again, but again, no time soon...i feel like i let myself down, but i just think im progressing well...

also...i got a car now, i got a caddilac deville, its just crazy, i honestly love it, its crazy...i dont know...

i just think alot more positive now...i just blush, im nervous, i cant help it but i work on it every single day in every right possible way...ive smoked once in the past month in a half and i really do not think i will again, but thats what i always say, but i really am determined, only time will tell though...

and, sense i have so much to say...i hung out with my good friend again, the night i smoked which shouldnt be a surprise...and everything is fine with us...another good thing about that night, is that when we were talking, i just felt much more confident, i said what i wanted, i meant what i said, and he listened...me and him have always been able to make amends over dumb ****, which was pretty much what happened...i already know im the one with the problem, and everything built up, the other person that i got in an argument with i could care less about, i wish him the best, but i could just not care less...and i havent talked to my friend sense that night...

i still work out, i dont every day though because i work eleven hour shifts pretty much each time i work and its kindof hard to work out then, not an excuse for not doing it, but i just dont...i know ive gained muscle which is good, i have a ways to go though...i now believe hard work actually does pay off...cause i really do, i dont feel that mad anymore, i actually feel more greatful, and i truely believe that one day this will be over, and i just live my life, no influences besides my own, ive been saving money...i just feel strong because i just never quit, not anymore...

i dont know, it feels good to post here again  ...i apologize for how long this is, but i do get writing...thank you for everyone who read...i just believe you cant give up, and i know we all know what is a good decesion, and what isnt, whats right and whats wrong...and i think you have to live with no regrets...i mean, i fell off, and im not afraid to admit it...i mean, not everything is rainbows and lolly pops, but things are more smooth right now...im not over this, i believe it will take a year or two or three...but i do talk to people, i make eye contact now, i can hold a conversation sometimes...ide like to go to class, but i think that isnt good for me right now, that would be overwealming, but i would defenatly try my very hardest...and i think thats all any of us can do...and if someone has a problem, tell them whats what, and if they dont like it, **** them.

but, again, thanks for reading if you did, i think i'll end it before i get off on another topic...see ya  ....


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i wanna post...

well...i try to look at the big picture sometimes, and its so hard to...ive became such a nervous wreck, and i find it pathetic, but im very hard on myself, so...

but, its like now, ive come to actually face my problems, meaning...i dont use controlled substances...i mean, people do what they do, im not a saint, ive done my fare share of drugs...but i got very deep into it, too deep if asking me, and now that i dont use (marijuana) i actually face my problems instead of getting pissed or depressed and just smoking weed then laughing...i remember one of the last times i smoked weed and i didnt even want to cause i was just mad at me and pretty much everything else, and as i was smoking, it made me smile for no reason at all, and it literally pissed me off...but now its like, i just go threw it...

i still think i may be in a denial stage kindof...because i will have 'good' parts of the day or somethin...and it will make me believe that maybe my head isnt messed up, and then the next day more bull **** happens, then i try to tell myself things will go better next time, or calm down or somethin...its just hard...and then when those times happen, i just want medicine, plain and simple...but then i just have to take my own advice and give myself time and stay on the short and narrow...its so ****ed up to me, its like everyone sees my problem, but they just dont get it...and i just crave cigaretts and weed and ****...

ive smoked three cigaretts over the past two months, i have no excuse...i just cant believe im an addict...but its not even a surprise, whenever ive liked something ive always wanted it, ive gone threw little fases in my life time, and they're kindof dumb, but...ive gone threw a fase of claw machines, where for months i was just on claw machines, i was good at them though...i went threw a mega man fase, where i was just getting every mega man game, tech decks, skateboarding, sledding...its rediculous, pokemon, baksetball cards...i just have that mind...but when it comes to drugs, thats just a whole different story...

i just played basketball too...thats almost the only times i start thinking positive, but not always...but i played, and i actually could tell a slight difference in strength with me, cause im skinny, and i get banged around...but tonight...and side note, i really didnt even want to go, but i just did...when i got there, the 7th and 8th grade girls teams where still playing because it was a church basketball thing at the middle school, which is litterally two hundred yards away from my house...but they were all there, there was nine other guys, and we had to get in a circle real quick, and i just felt my heart rate up, hands sweating...and i was just looking around thinking, if these people only knew...then we started playing...

i just get so mad, at anything, i swear...we're playing, and this dude, he's not busting my ***, but he made a few shots and scored on me down low...and i just get so mad...i could make the smallest mistake anyone could think of...but its the small things that matter...but i mean, even if i get scored on, where if you saw it you would say 'theres no way he could have stopped that'...that **** still pisses me off, i just cant help it, its embedded...but as i was playing...i was setting screnes or whatever, and i was rolling off wrong at first, not going strong, because i would be getting passes and i just wasnt there...that pisses me off...im real strong on team work though...my coach for the only 'half' year i played actual regulation ball for a school was a great coach, he had credintials, he was a beast in his day...but he taught me alot, and he was always talkin about team work, and thats just what im about, your only as strong as your weakest link, and its true...i swear, i could teach someone how to play and be a beast, i just know this sport, its my ****...i have taught people though, i just love basketball...basketball is the only thing were i just feel like anxiety doesnt matter, and sometimes its just not even there, im just greatful...and i didnt even want to go tonight, isnt that a *****...

but i mean, im just doing what i do, trying my hardest, being suttle, knowing what i want, same old bull ****...i still go threw alot though, please dont get it confused...its just forcing yourself, and thats what anyone will tell you...thank you for reading if you did...bye...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i mean, i feel like posting...

well...life, my life...anxiety, i still feel it, i havent felt that panic in a while though as i knock on wood...i still blush, and blushing sucks, but i havent had that freakish red in a while, which only pretty much happens when i panic...

i think about blushing, and ive always blushed...i remember in fourth grade when some girl tickled my stomach and some other girl said 'look had red he is'...and i didnt even feel red then, and i just didnt care, and it never mattered at all...and when i was in eighth grade, these kids picked on me, making fun of my last name, and i remember they would just keep saying it, and i would turn red...but i was never mad, i just never wanted to go to that particular class, it never ruined anything, never made my life bad, i never cared, i was never nervous, i never paniced...but they quit picking on me, probably just because i moved on...that was a while ago though...

then i started smoking weed, and thats when it got real bad...my mom said she went threw a "phase" she likes to say, when she was "my age" when she would get red and her hands would sweat...but, that doesnt make it any easier...

i just really believe that this **** is going to end, im just convinsed...i drank the other night for the first time in a while, and i was able to talk to people way easier than before...i remember getting drunk and still having horrible anxiety, but i was drinking every single night and smoking every single day and taking unperscribed pills, thats over though...

i just feel better now...the day after i drank i didnt feel good, my anxiety felt a little increased...im really starting to think the anxiety itself, is just from way to much potential energy thats just been sitting in me wanting to get out...i mean we all have social anxiety or general anxiety, whichever it is...we all have it for whatever reason we have it for...but the fact is, we all have anxiety, thats the common denominator...and exersize and healthy diet deplenishes anxiety...but im not gonna preach...

also, my hand sweat...my hands are kindof dry now, thanks to drysol...its like my finger tips still get a little wet though...im pretty sure that will go away in a couple weeks...but my hands, like the palms, just feel dry, it feels weird...but wet hands feel worse...

i just blush...its so hard to accept...just the other day somethin happened and my mom made a joke or somethin, and i felt myself blush, and i just wanted to run away, but i just stayed there and took it for what it was...and i know it couldnt have been horrible, i didnt start sweating or nothing...this **** is just stupid sometimes...but ive seen how unatractive it is to get pissed because of a blush, and im just over getting upset about it, its just not worth it, theres really more important **** to worry about besides a blush...i mean i need paper, i need cake lol, i got to start living my own life and start from the ground up, i gotta leave the nest, i gotta make good of myself, you know how it goes...

i still think im going to need my parents and family for a while, i know that any day it could be take'n away from me...but i still think i need them...im going to florida again in about, a week...and im staying for a week, and im seeing my brother again...he's going to want me to drink, but i dont think i will, its just pointless to me...im just on that right now, im on that 'you dont need a drink to have fun' ****, its probably because ive seen what it has done to 'friends' ive had, what its made them...not saying everyone gets like that...but when you feel like you have nothing going on in your life besides a drink and drugs, it can become a problem much easier...

but, im just trying to live...i think im becoming to find myself, who i am...ive been so confused and i think im getting it, and it feels okay...i would still say i have a while to go...work isnt too hard anymore, i still have those days, but exersize really helps, it helps you relax...im not talkin about walkin up the street, im talkin about feeling like your ready to collapse, it helps you relax alot...

i just feel like i think alot differently now...i just believe that everything will be worth it, ive set my mind to it...and im very greatful for family, i mean, ive said some ****, ive hated, ive wanted everything to be over...but i just got to that point in my life where i was just fed up, and i had to make a change, change is forever, and as much as i wanted it to be over...honestly, ive dodged it before...i hit a boulder driving drunk at like 40+ miles an hour and flipped, totalled it...and i walked out perfectly fine, i had a seizer smoking weed...im not making **** up, im not trying to convinse you...but ive dodged crazy things...i feel like i owe it to myself to try, to try and be happy, cause i once was, and i miss it...

but, thats where im at right now...thanks for reading if you did...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i got positive thoughts *shrugs*....

well, im not going to florida...arguments happened and we decided not to go, everything is 'squashed' though...

as i go down this path of trying to beat this, ive come to find out that anxiety isnt even really my problem...i mean, i developed a social phobia, and thats real...but anxiety just filtered down from bigger problems...my marijuana abuse, alcohol abuse, me trying to run away from me with those two things, no confedence, low self esteem, me taking set backs way to hard, unhealthy relationships with friends, not believeing in myself, all that...then anxiety just came up, that can only be normal with all that...and the way i think, i always worry about what the other person is thinking of me...i got an over-sympathetic nervous system...

i think im going to start getting random with this post...cause i got into an argument for no reason a couple days ago, or three...cause i was just mad, because of anxiety, working at jiffy lube with people who are just completely fake, having to talk to these people and they are just so fake, i dont like them at all...i think about it, im not even that messed up in the head, i just let myself think that...workin ten hour days, and these people are always smiling in your face, just fake as hell...i mean if your genuwinely my friend or somethin, then i can get it, but if you know damn well i dont want to be here and i dont care about you, dont smile in my face...i honestly think its enevidable, one day im just going to let my mind go...

ive been thinking about college again, cause this jiffy lube **** is just retarded...they're so fake, its not even funny, its just not funny...i went to the bar with a manager there, and the assistant, and they're fake there...dude tried to tell me he plays pool, and he's garbage, i mean i won a game, and im garbage...from what he says though, he's been to the pysch ward for schizophrinic paranioa, so i guess his mind just fluctuates...

i mean i'll be at jiffy lube, and these guys are talkin about **** that puts a grimace on my face...i really dont even think they're on my level, all they talk about is drinking and girls...which is all fine and well, but life to me is just way more than that...i mean i dont look down upon anybody, all i do is play basketball, work out, run, go to work, i do hang out with a few people again...my friend that i knew who understands me, i still hang around him, and i found out something else about me, i drink, ima drinker, i just do...but the thing about it, its not a problem no more...i did go to the bar again two nights ago, and i actually had fun...ive been very against drinking lately, and i know why...its because i used to drink for all the wrong reasons, i drank because i dispised myself, every night...i drank because i hated me, and that leads to nothing but problems...i was always mad when i drank, i would get into fights all the time...and the truth is, im not even hard, im soft as ****, i mean dont take kindness for weakness, but im not a hard ***...but the last time i drank, i actually had fun, i was smiling...i even talked to this guy i didnt know from highschool, but i saw him alot...he was a jock kindof guy, played for the basketball team, and he wasnt bad, but never talked to him ever...and just the other night, he was at the bar with this one guy i know, and we talked, and he's cool, i mean he likes basketball, if you like basketball thats right up my ally, but even then, it depends on how you act and all that...cause i know pleanty of people who like basketball, but i do not like them...but i get respect because of basketball...i mean i still think im garbage because i played last night and it was horrible, i drove past someone and straight air balled a lay up...and i cant even explain that...but even then, the team was depending on me because we were playing only to 7 and it was 6 to 6 or somethin, and the guy was saying 'its your time' and gave the ball right to me...i almost felt kindof pressured, then i missed my shot, its just bull ****...i need to get a pass somewhere, cause its cold, i still go and shoot around, but i cant really break down and play, i could, but cold weather sucks...

but anyways, these people at work, im like the ugly duckling, or the black sheep, cause i just dont feel like i belong there, at all...i should have never talked about my problems to them, and ive learned my lesson, cause people dont need to know that ****...and they're so fake, i just do not like the people who work there...they kiss so much ***, its disgusting, its a disgusting feeling to hear it all day...if i was manager there, i would clean house, and hire people who are real...

but yea, i was with my friend, because he is my friend, we have a bond, its crazy...but i was talking about how fake people were at my work, and he said its the same thing where he works...and people know they're being fake, i just wont do it, i will not kiss ***, i got to much foolish pride, it just wont happen...

ive been thinking about the truth also...because the last 'argument' i got in, my dad is just saying, 'do something about it, your doing it yourself'...and i just hated hearing it, but the truth is, its the truth...thats why i didnt want to hear it, its so hard to hear the truth sometimes...but we all know what the truth is deep down, we just dont want to hear it, and thats why things seem surreal...cause deep down we know what the truth is, so when something out of the ordinary happens, its like we cant believe it, and thats why we get happy...cause we all know the truth, and thats what upsets us...but when something unexpected happens thats good, we get happy, cause we never thought it would be, thats why certain moments seem surreal...

im just glad i get a week off, i dont even want to go back to work...being on the grind sucks...life is work, thats why when i get free time, i always do whatever i want to do, unless i have to do something that needs to be done...thanks for reading if you did...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i just feel like posting this real quick...

god damn...i read my previous posts, and i just feel embarassed...my whole life was consumed with drugs and falsehood, ****in pathetic...me talkin about only a drug can fix me, i guess ignorance is bliss...

i mean, i still feel i have a way to go to get my anxiety and nervousness under control...but you can just read some of my posts and see that alot of my problems came from drugs, or i can...i just cant believe it, i guess its a life experience though...my life went straight down the ****ter...i'll get back on my feet though, im to determined...

thanks for reading  if you chose to...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i just got a positive mind frame right now, cant explain it, i dont know...

but i mean...i really dont have anything to talk about, im just bored, so i guess i'll "blog" if you will...

i really think im starting to figure things out...i really dont think i live in the past anymore, but i always have to analyze my past to see what i did wrong to make my future better...

but i look at my childhood, and my mom always did everything for me, if we went to a resturant she ordered my food, just all that, i never had to talk to anyone...and when i had to start changing classes in school, like first period, second period, third period...thats when i became more quiet, in certain classes...and i just blushed, i always blushed, but it never crossed over into, "hi how are you today im going to blush for no reason"...it was always because of me getting in trouble in class, if i got called on and didnt know the answer or somethin like that, but it never discouraged me, but i was a little kid, and i was never ready...

then i remember tenth grade, im sorry i just reminisce alot...and thats when grand theft auto vice city came out, and some kid in my class was talking about it, and i said i had it...so we became "cool"...and in that class one day, he was just talkin, just yappin about how he was going to beat me in tony hawk pro-skater, and it was funny, cause i already knew he couldnt beat me...and the teacher was going across vocab words, and he came across the word 'novice'...and this guy was saying 'your just novice'...and it had me just smiling, and the teacher was like "what are you smiling about?"...and i was like "nothing"...then i looked at my friend like, 'man im about to turn red,' and i did...but he just kept going talkin like he could beat me...then the teacher said "everytime i look over there your smiling," and i just looked at him until he turned away, then i said to my friend 'here it goes again' and he just laughed...but it wasnt at me, it was with me, and it didnt even matter...but during that time, i didnt have anxiety or anything, i just blushed...and that 10th grade year was good, i talked all the time, i was just me, certain classes i didnt, certain classes i did...and just think'n about that kindof makes me sad/motivated...cause tenth grade summer weed entered my life, and every time i look in the mirror i just want to punch it, im just over it...

i just cant believe i let myself get so over consumed in so much bull ****, i quit talking to everyone i used to like if they didnt smoke weed, or i never hung out with them anymore, i cant believe how stupid and niave i was...i still consider myself imature when it comes to certain things, cause i blame my parents when i know damn well its my fault, what the **** am i going to do, be mad because they fell in love and wanted a child, thats completely selfish, but i have my days...

i just have to get back, do you understand what im saying...i just know that weed contributed to my problems, to my social phobia...and relationships because of weed, like i would hang out with these guys, and they would say **** that they would never say when sober...even my one "good friend," like when we would play basketball...i mean i say im garbage, but in all reality im not garbage, i could be better, but i dont suck, i cant hang in the nba or anything like that, but i dont suck...but my 'friend' would bust my ***, he used to be good...and as time went on, i got better, i got taller too, so it became easier to pull up a shot...and days i would bust his ***, he just got sick, he never even gave me my props...if we played on teams or whatever, i was always the first he would pick up, but that doesnt matter, sometimes you gotta hear it....

maybe my 'social anxiety' isnt as bad as others, but i'll tell you right now, mine was very crucial, and it still is hard...im talkin about just red all the time, by myself, thats how bad it became with me, ive walked to my mailbox and had an attack...but i truely believe its inside of all of us, we're just scared which i find normal...i also believe that we have a whole lot of pride in ourselves weither you wanna believe it or not, we're afraid to embarass ourselves and just end up getting embarassed because of it, or we're just real scared/nervous...i just truely believe we can do it, and i really dont care how that sounds, if i can do the things ive been doing anybody can.

its just every day i have to challenge myself, its just not even funny anymore...and we just have to swallow it and speak up, today i took a 'stride' in that, i went to get my car with my dad, and i just spoke up, and asked if he fixed the alarm, and he told me whatever he told me, and it was much easier to listen to him than it would have been if he would have brought it up to me, and i still dont understand that, but i think i will sooner or later...

things are just hard when your trying to find yourself, then you add anxiety on top of it, with a little bit of depression and self hatred, it becomes even harder...but whats better with me now, is im becoming more ready for the day, i try not to over think things, i hate the word try...but im about to get carried away with this...thanks for reading if you did, bye...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

hi everyone...im just thinking positive today...

i figure out more things each and every day...i think cbt has actually helped a little, but ive only gone to one session, but the information she gave me has helped a little bit...theres a part in this chapter that i read that talked about keeping your mind on something besides ten other things...its said to just read things, count things, like tiles or anything instead of worrying...i think it does help a little bit...

its been kindof wierd lately...also this cbt **** talked about "outs," meaning...you always have a way out of anything...one thing i read made complete sense to me, it didnt at first, but after i was finished it did...it was saying just to go and do whatever you wanted to do, example, if you went to the store and had a cart full of items and you were in line and you felt yourself on the verge of an attack, it said you can simply leave, leave your cart and everything because someone would just have to put the groceries back...and im think'n 'what the ****'...but then it said, what if you would have had a migrain or somethin serious came up and you had to leave, you would just have to leave, and you wouldnt have to tell anyone...so that made me think, 'yea thats true'...whats someone gonna ask, 'why'd you leave'...but knowing that kindof gave me a little hope to do things that are hard for me to do...

like my major problem with anxiety besides blushing, is being around people in a room sitting down and talking, or just being in a room sitting around other people with the thought of 'what am i going to say if someone says something to me'...so the 'out' and the counting and reading things helped me go to the mall the other day...i went by myself and ordered some food and sat down and ate it...and i made it threw it without going crazy...the hardest part was ordering the food, cause you can say that girls give me the slightest bit more anxiety, but ive had worse anxiety besides just talking to girls, much worse...but she was kindof sexy, and i ordered something and she said 'well you can just make that a combo' and i said 'im cool'...and i was nervous, and as i paid and waited for my food i was just thinking 'these people have no idea how hard this is for me'...

and im very crucial on myself, i never give myself a break...i could have a decent day, and i'll blush once, and it ruins my whole day, expecially if its a harder blush...and even then, it doesnt even have to be that hard of one...i could look in the mirror and see the slightest bit of red, pretty much pink...and i will just get upset, cause it just makes me feel like a little girl...and i know thats stupid, cause it really doesnt look that bad, im just searching within myself to accept it...

but i mean, im real, im as real as it gets...and i found something out today, i think im going to have to go back to college, cause i cant just do this jiffy lube **** anymore...i need to meet people, i need to get on a basketball team...i really dont think i will do anything with basketball...i mean people have always told me im good, ive been embarassed on the court though, not SA embarassed, just made a fool...

this one guy, i will never forget it...he gave me the most crucial, pride taking away, *** beat'n i have ever gottin on the court...this dude was just, oh my, he had his way with me, i cant even say anything...he was just not missing, i swear he made every single shot he took, and he could handle the ball...he crossed me so hard, it was the worse ive ever been crossed in my life, ive never fallin before, but thats bound to happen...but god damn, he got me so bad...and after he did it, i just looked at him like 'oh ****'...and he just looked back at me almost the same way, cause he got me so dirty...and then he was just, it was almost like slow motion, but he was just lookin at me, he pulled up and i tried to contest it and he banged it, oh my goodness...it was horrible...

but i mean, i have to play, i gotta play basketball, i really think i could help a team...my dream now would be to play for the cincinatti bearcats, but thats alot to ask, and i would have to get real good for that, in real good shape also, and bigger as in stronger...i have alot to do, but i really think i could...everyone always said i was good...i have my own style of play or whatever, my style cant be copied, it can be imitated lol, im joking...but yea, i like basketball...

i also found out, ima ****in alcoholic, straight up, ima mother ****in alchoholic...i feel like i have to drink, sooner or later i just feel i need to drink...i got enough **** on the table as it is, and i really dont need anything else unhealthy on my mind...so i really believe im giving up drinking for a long time, maybe forever...i think if i could find someone to drink with that maybe i could drink again, very conservitaly, but for me thats hard to do...so for now i think im giving up drinking...

new plan of action for nate, once again...life is just trial and error...

and i better get a god damn webcam for christmas, i swear...but i mean, thats it, thanks for reading if you did  ...bye...


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## ecgta3 (May 29, 2010)

I dont mean to dig up a grave, but i just read like 60% of this thread... almost didn't read past the 1st entry, but I kept going out of curiosity. It was almost like reading the book "the Perks of Being a Wallflower", hope you're doing well bignate wherever you are now, I might just start a thread like this


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

Thanks? I never heard of that book before though.

I would agree with the grave digging, I haven't posted in this ***** in a _good_ minute.

well.. haha

Life is a trip still. Today my mind is set on getting a full time job and making money. I really don't have too much more to say. Really, I didn't have too many people to talk to, and I feel I was kindof niave with some of the things I have posted in the past though I stand behind everything I say.

But I feel I've come a long way. But thanks gta3, and if you wanna make this type of thread, go for it .. I may jus post.

Love ...

*** btw Thanks for reading also, I like knowing that people read things I have to say. You will know when I am joking, but for the most part I'm inside-out on this site.


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