# NOT needing to fulfill other people's expectations = happy!



## Mykelae (Sep 7, 2008)

Q: What is social anxiety?
A: The fear of judgement, criticism, and humiliation by other people.

Q:Why do people criticize and judge others?
A:Because we are all human. As humans, we are born and wired to think differently. We perceive or see the same things differently. As the saying goes "One man's ceiling is another man's floor". What one would criticize someone for a certain behavior, another person would appreciate it.

Q:Why are we afraid of criticism and negative judgement by other people?
A:Because we hold their negative criticisms, or hold onto our own mistakes, and agonize over them. We internalize them, which makes us feel bad.

Q:Why do we hold their negative criticisms and our own mistakes?
A:Because we want to be "good" and make other people be happy about us.

Q:Why do we want other people to be happy about us?
A:Because we seek other people's approval.

Q:Why do we seek other people's approval?
A:Because we were trained by people in authority (ie. our parents) to be on our good behavior. When we were nothing but munchkins if we did something bad, our parents would let us know. You may not remember it, but I bet you definitely wince whenever your parents patronize you for something bad that they don't approve of. But if we did something good, our parents would be happy with us. Therefore, we still are seeking other people's approval.

Q:What does seeking other people's approval mean?
A:We believe other people may have certain standards, rules, or expectations that we must reach. Therefore, when they criticize you or judge you and you feel bad, it's because you did not live up to their standards or expectations.

Q:So, how do we overcome this fear of judgement or criticism?
A:We say "I DO NOT NEED TO FULFILL OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS OF ME". 

Q: What happens if other people state an opinion about you?
A:We say, "I DO NOT NEED TO FULFILL OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS ABOUT ME". Because that is not who I am. I AM WHO I WANT TO BE.

After repeating those two mantras over and over and over again in my head, before I go to bed, as soon as I wake up, while I'm driving in the car, eventually it sticks into my brain and I don't have to constantly think about. It will just come to you unbidden. When that happens, for me, even though I was able to talk to other people before, now I feel confident in talking to other people and I don't feel like I'm being judged. Because if I am, I don't care as much, because those are their opinions, but I don't have to live up to their opinions of me. I don't have to live up to their standards. Some people will like me. Other people will hate me. The rest might disapprove of me. But I will still be who I want to be.

I don't know. These mantras have helped me significantly. The weight's been lifted from my shoulders and I'm no longer carrying all that burden. Maybe this will work for you.

P.S. Learning to be appreciative of the things that go on in your life has also improved my attitude about myself and to the outside world. One of my greatest problems was overanalyzing the conversations. Trying to find out the hows and whys people say or do the things that they have said or done. This was especially prevalent when I was trying to make other people laugh. Like I was locked into feeling that I had to say something funny. But when I said to myself, "I do not need to fulfill other people's expectations in making them laugh" I felt so relieved and now the jokes I crack come from me naturally and it isn't forced. It makes it so much easier because I don't have to wrack my brains or work hard for it anymore. Such a relief! :drunk


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## fenny45 (Sep 25, 2007)

Yeah your post makes sense. I also constantly worry about being funny. Thats one of my main fears. Not worrying about other peoples expectations helps a lot, but its hard to keep up.


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## forever_dreamer (Jul 8, 2008)

Great post! So true! I'm gonna have to remember these mantras!


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

That's a pretty important message you have learned :boogie :boogie :boogie


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## Mykelae (Sep 7, 2008)

Thanks you guys! These mantras have definitely helped me to be myself a bit at a time. I'm still learning though, and I feel like as kids grow older they learn these things, slowly but surely. For some it takes longer. But why does it take so much longer I wonder?
If it takes learning and understanding these mantras and learning to appreciate more in life, what I want to know is why people have to learn it all by themselves? I mean I remember my own parents telling me to just let it all slide or to stop caring about people's opinions or judgments. That's when you're in a real pickle. it's like you're facing an angry lion and people on the side lines are telling you to not wear any armor or defend yourself. They tell you to deal with the lion, but they don't give you the proper tools or know-hows to accomplish this. So the angry lion just keeps swiping at you and you keep getting cut. It makes it worse when these people are people who you really care for and trust in. They tell you some good advice but they can't are aren't allowed to teach you how to apply their advice? They don't tell you that you can befriend and tame the lion with a bit of steak or anything like that. Or learn when the lion's going to strike to know when to run for cover behind the rocks.

Ok, some of you might think I've gone off my rocker, but remember I'm only 23. I'm too young to be in a rocker. LOL. . That's what popped up into my head at the moment, so don't ask me how. Anyway, I wonder, does anyone else seem to have learned any other important messages or just other observations about life? If we start posting some of the things about life that we've learned and wrote our explanations for them, I just bet you guys might find some good stuff that could help with SAD.

Oh, by the way. one more mantra i've learned. I think it's pretty safe to say that we are all very creative people, each and every one of us. now while surfing on the net, i came across research studies about humor. And I thought to myself, "wow! So what is the purpose of humor and how do we use it?" Turns out humor is used to establish bonds with other people. You want to be closer to the one who makes you laugh. The hard part is being the one making other people laugh. Because you show your personality and character when you open up with humor. it's true, and that's why I think it's so hard for me to establish friends, because it's difficult when you're so worked about trying to make others laugh.

On a side not, I feel like the more aware of what's going on around us the more worries we feel like we have because you have so much to think about. And it's about learning not to care about the things we are aware of but still be able to know about them.

Anyway, to get back on track, the studies are showing PET scans, or some kind of scan that can see how the brain is doing while you're laughing. i tell you, that is one research that i wouldn't have minded participating in. LOL. Turns out, the brain lights up in the temporal and prefrontal lobe and is also connected with the emotions, and a part considered the region where your personality lies. I only read it once, but it stated something like that. just google "Types of Humor" and it'll all pop up. So with this in mind, I figured, if we are all uniquely creative, then it seems like we can integrate our creativity and thus our personality into our conversations with other people. it took awhile, and I know you were all holding your breath with anticipation so I'll give the mantra to you now before you pass out. . Don't wanna be responsible for people hitting their heads on the floor. Ok. Here it is: You can use your creativity and observation to flesh out your conversation. I don't need to fulfill other people's expectations that I have to use creative language, but i just choose to. I know i have a great imagination but I'd never personally been able to apply it into my conversations. Anyone else feel like this? But that's what I've observed.


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## Encore (Apr 17, 2008)

Wow great post. I really see where you are coming from now.


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## endtroducing (Jan 6, 2008)

Great post! I hope many can truly digest what your message is. As not just another tip about SA, but as a mindset to adopt. I believe it's a very healthy mindset to have, and a very effective method at battling anxiety.


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