# Would you mind if your partner was not aesthetically attracted to you? READ FIRST



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Often times when you're not physically attracted but become sexually attracted in any way, physical attraction seems to follow... But let's say it didn't.

If your partner was romantically and sexually attracted to you but not aesthetically attracted to you, would this bother you? How much would it bother you? Would you break up with them over this? And why?

I'm not looking to debate whether or not this seems realistic/possible, just answer hypothetically, and assuming you found out in a manner that wasn't deliberately insulting or anything.

If you're still confused then this may help _some _ people: If you've ever admired someone for how they look but not been sexually attracted to them for whatever reason, imagine the opposite of that.


----------



## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

Yeah, that would be impossible for me to deal with. If I'm understanding right, you're saying they think I'm unattractive but they want to have sex with me anyway. That would completely kill whatever self esteem I have left to stay with someone who saw me that way.


----------



## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

It wouldn't be ideal, but it wouldn't spoil the relationship for me. I'd probably rank aesthetic attraction as the least important of the three categories you're splitting this into. 

To be honest, it would probably bug me when I get into a self-critical mood. But I figure I'm probably never going to have a relationship where everything is completely perfect, and there'll probably be something about her that I don't like. So long as she considers my myriad of positive qualities to outweigh my shortcomings it's all good.


----------



## 58318 (Jul 15, 2011)

Not sure I understand, I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't physically attracted to.


----------



## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

I'm insecure enough that I NEED my partner to be physically attracted to me more than I need to be physically attracted to them. But when it comes down to it I'd like to think I wouldn't break up with them over it, I'd just deal with the insecurity and try to enjoy the relationship while trying not to get in my own way.

But God knows I can get in my own way...I'd find a reason to break up 2 times out of 3.


----------



## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

You mean if they were somehow sexually attracted to me based on my personality, but not based on how I looked? :con


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I would be far too insecure if this was the case because all I would be able to think about is that they would be looking at other people they found more attractive than myself and there's no possible way the relationship could function.


----------



## cooperativeCreature (Sep 6, 2010)

I would be happy if someone were attracted to me because of my wealth.

Because that would mean I had a lot of wealth.

Yes, that would please me greatly.


----------



## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

I asked a friend and she made a great point. My friend said that she would be uncomfortable with it because her partner would likely yearn for the "full package". I can see where she's coming from. Even if a person liked me for my personality, so much so that she's romantically invested, she'd still admire guys of a similar personality with greater physical preference.


With that being said, it's hard to imagine. Perhaps how it makes me feel largely depends on the person. Besides, I've always viewed myself as one that transcends the physical realm. 


...what's weird is that it seems much harder to get someone to truly love your personality, seeing as how we're typically so generic =P Finding a person that's strongly attracted to your personality as opposed to your looks, status, style, etc is a big deal... perhaps so much so, that it's creepy :lol


----------



## LadyLike (Oct 31, 2014)

AussiePea said:


> I would be far too insecure if this was the case because all I would be able to think about is that they would be looking at other people they found more attractive than myself and there's no possible way the relationship could function.


I think if everyone was honest, most people are looking at other people even when we're in relationships. We are all human and have sexual instincts. My past boyfriends and I would check others out together. For me, I can't be with someone who isn't okay with that. I check people out waaay too much to be with someone who feels threatened by that. The main thing here, in my opinion, is that the person you're with loves you and respects you. Looking is different than touching. Now, if someone is blatantly comparing you to other people in a negative manner, that is not okay.

When you truly love (like) someone, all the superficial stuff doesn't matter. There can be someone much more physically attractive than you, but they don't have your personality. Even down to your quirks. When I like someone, I fall for all their "flaws" as well. It becomes endearing. Unless you're with someone shallow, ultimately it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I want to be with someone who's personality shines. I don't care how gorgeous someone is, if I don't like his/her personality, I'm not gonna stick around.


----------



## razzleDazzle2150 (Sep 27, 2014)

wut


----------



## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

I would be mostly okay with it, but I would make up for my inadequacy through grovelling.


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

LadyLike said:


> I think if everyone was honest, most people are looking at other people even when we're in relationships. We are all human and have sexual instincts. My past boyfriends and I would check others out together. For me, I can't be with someone who isn't okay with that. I check people out waaay too much to be with someone who feels threatened by that. The main thing here, in my opinion, is that the person you're with loves you and respects you. Looking is different than touching. Now, if someone is blatantly comparing you to other people in a negative manner, that is not okay.
> 
> When you truly love (like) someone, all the superficial stuff doesn't matter. There can be someone much more physically attractive than you, but they don't have your personality. Even down to your quirks. When I like someone, I fall for all their "flaws" as well. It becomes endearing. Unless you're with someone shallow, ultimately it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I want to be with someone who's personality shines. I don't care how gorgeous someone is, if I don't like his/her personality, I'm not gonna stick around.


That's the thing though, I know I personally couldn't love someone I did not find physically attractive as much as someone who possessed all the same personality traits and was more attractive so that would constantly be in the back of my mind.


----------



## 0blank0 (Sep 22, 2014)

How could you be sexually attracted to someone without thinking they're physically attractive?...wouldn't that just make u desperate for sex?


----------



## LadyLike (Oct 31, 2014)

AussiePea said:


> That's the thing though, I know I personally couldn't love someone I did not find physically attractive as much as someone who possessed all the same personality traits and was more attractive so that would constantly be in the back of my mind.


I guess the best way to describe what I mean is giving the example of not crushing on someone who is handsome and has all the personality traits I'm looking for. I've slept with several people like this purely out of lust and still never grew to like them beyond friendship/sex. And then, there have been the ones that I don't think are handsome at all, but I get butterflies when I'm around them. Those are the kind of people I'd rather date seriously. And of course, if someone had looks, great personality, and gave me butterflies I'd go for him but the reality is you don't get to pick who you have chemistry with. And don't confuse sexual chemistry with true emotional chemistry. I'm learning the hard way how different they both are.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Umpalumpa said:


> Dont know, but the part in your signature "im saying nothing but im saying nothing with feel" is really corny!


:O :O :O :O :O






No.



mezzoforte said:


> You mean if they were somehow sexually attracted to me based on my personality, but not based on how I looked? :con


Yeah basically lol.



orsomething said:


> yeah the guy im uh interested in for the future had a thing for like, exclusively asians, so im def feeling like "im not asian at all im sorry its not all ho chi mihn city up in here but maybe if i make use of some scotch tape and paint myself with tincture of iodine thatll be close enough" hes attracted to me for sure but i keep thinking about it
> 
> im pretty annoyed by it tbh


But if you're sure he's attracted to you and you're not Asian doesn't that mean he's not exclusively attracted to Asians? There seems to be some kind of logic error there  Or do you just mean he's attracted to your personality or something? I actually don't think that's likely, like when I wrote this thread I thought: 'I can't see this being true for 99.9% of guys but let's play around with hypothetical situations anyway.' I can't even see this being common among women. I've seen people saying things like this online before though.

I was more interested in how people feel about that, and whether they find being physically attractive very important if the results are the same.


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

LadyLike said:


> I guess the best way to describe what I mean is giving the example of not crushing on someone who is handsome and has all the personality traits I'm looking for. I've slept with several people like this purely out of lust and still never grew to like them beyond friendship/sex. And then, there have been the ones that I don't think are handsome at all, but I get butterflies when I'm around them. Those are the kind of people I'd rather date seriously. And of course, if someone had looks, great personality, and gave me butterflies I'd go for him but the reality is you don't get to pick who you have chemistry with. And don't confuse sexual chemistry with true emotional chemistry. I'm learning the hard way how different they both are.


Yeah, unfortunately I don't have enough experience when it comes to separating both forms of chemistry though I do understand where you are coming from. It's not so much my feelings which cause the insecurity though and more that due to my anxiety/insecurity I will generally think the worst when it comes to a potential partner and how they perceive me, so unless I feel completely confident that they are into me for my physical side as much as my personality then it will never be a successful relationship.


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Persephone The Dread said:


> :O :O :O :O :O
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Marry me? According to last.fm this is my most played song of all time hah.


----------



## caelle (Sep 9, 2008)

If I understand correctly.. yes it would bother me. My bf (or husband), should always think I look good. Ok well maybe not all the time. Sometimes I look like a slob, like right now. 
But if the attraction is completely gone, I'd feel really bad. I don't care if he'd still bang me. It just means he's horny.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

AussiePea said:


> Marry me? According to last.fm this is my most played song of all time hah.


It is an amazing song.


----------



## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Yeah basically lol.


I'd still probably feel inadequate then, because I'd want to be seen as sexy/beautiful. >< I'd feel bad knowing that there are other girls that they probably DO find physically attractive.


----------



## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah I would not like that. I'd like to know that my partner was physically attracted to me as well.


----------



## musiclover55 (Feb 7, 2011)

He better be Physically, Sexually, Mentally, Spiritually, Politically, and EverythingElse-ally attracted to me.


----------



## Davy Jones (Nov 9, 2003)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Often times when you're not physically attracted but become sexually attracted in any way, physical attraction seems to follow... But let's say it didn't.
> 
> If your partner was romantically and sexually attracted to you but not aesthetically attracted to you, would this bother you? How much would it bother you? Would you break up with them over this? And why?
> 
> ...


Summary (for those with short attention spans):

I am a butterface and my boyfriend doesn't like that. Should I dump him?


----------



## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

I guess I'd learn to deal with it, though I would very much prefer if he were physically attracted to me, not just romantic/sexually speaking. I'd likely be at least a little bothered (thanks to insecurity) by it because I'd likely be wondering why they're even with me in the first place and how they may possibly ditch me for someone they find more attractive to their eyes, or how the sight of me possibly repulses them in some way. And my view of him would change irrevocably because I'd think he was an ******* for saying that to me.


----------



## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

My girlfriend isn't sexually attracted to me.

But everyone thinks I'm aesthetically pleasing, so I can't speak from experience on that. I really don't believe I would care, though.


----------



## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

I know what you mean because I can experience sexual and aesthetic attraction as two different things. Yes it would bother me but relationships / attraction are complicated so I wouldn't necessarily throw a good relationship away just because of that. It would probably depend on how insecure my partner made me feel about it overall. I might also try to explore changing the dynamics, like downgrading to friends and seeing how that goes because it might be a better option for both of us.


----------



## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

Weird way to word the question. I think if a guy's sexually attracted to you, he has to be attracted somewhat to your physique. One hardly exists without the other.


----------



## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than with someone who was not aesthetically attracted to me. I wouldn't be able to get past feeling so inadequate.


----------



## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I don't think it is worded weirdly at all. They exist exclusively because you can find someone aesthetically pleasing to the eye, and yet have no intention of doing anything physical with them at all. It depends on the circumstances though.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Davy Jones said:


> Summary (for those with short attention spans):
> 
> I am a butterface and my boyfriend doesn't like that. Should I dump him?


Uh no mate, I have no boyfriend and have been single for years now. Try again.


----------



## baloff17 (May 28, 2014)

felicshagrace said:


> How could you be sexually attracted to someone without thinking they're physically attractive?...wouldn't that just make u desperate for sex?


Yeah, I don't get that either.


----------



## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> Weird way to word the question. I think if a guy's sexually attracted to you, he has to be attracted somewhat to your physique. One hardly exists without the other.


I gotta agree with that. This is definitely true for most men.


----------



## Davy Jones (Nov 9, 2003)

Davy Jones said:


> Summary (for those with short attention spans):
> 
> I am a butterface and my boyfriend doesn't like that. Should I dump him?


I would like to formally apologize for this idiotic attempt at humor. I was operating on no sleep, which of course is no excuse. I have been assured by others that you are, in fact, not a butterface at all, not that that would excuse my behavior. In short: Sorry.


----------



## MildSA (Sep 29, 2014)

musiclover55 said:


> He better be Physically, Sexually, Mentally, Spiritually, Politically, and EverythingElse-ally attracted to me.


Oh so you're going to throw "The List" at me like that?:sus


----------



## musiclover55 (Feb 7, 2011)

MildSA said:


> Oh so you're going to throw "The List" at me like that?:sus


And you better follow it to a T :wife


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Davy Jones said:


> I would like to formally apologize for this idiotic attempt at humor. I was operating on no sleep, which of course is no excuse. I have been assured by others that you are, in fact, not a butterface at all, not that that would excuse my behavior. In short: Sorry.


No problem, thank you for apologising, it's just this thread has absolutely nothing to do with me and I was wondering when posting it if someone would try and read between the lines or something as often happens.

Obviously it's a pretty random idea for a thread, but it was 2am my time when I posted it, and I often do things without thinking.

It was partially inspired by a YouTube video I watched and I wondered if there was a significant gender divide between the need to be seen as physically attractive by your partner, if they're still really attracted to you in other ways, and it doesn't interfere with your sex life. That's all.


----------



## MJ1958 (May 20, 2014)

Yes I would definitely care. I worry if random old women serving me at a counter think I'm good looking so I'd definitely go crazy if my own boyfriend didn't.


----------



## Dane (Jul 27, 2009)

Yes, it would bother me if she didn't have at least some attraction.

Of course, if she actually _disliked _my appearance, that would be even worse.


----------



## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

I'm 100% sure this would bother me to no end lol.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

other. depends on how much i feel the love, what the the sexual dynamic is like, how reassuring they are, etc.


----------



## dontwaitupforme (Feb 23, 2013)

I couldnt do it. In my eyes, it would fall apart from the seams in the next couple of months.. Chemistry cant lack imo, you need it.


----------



## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

thats why im trying to get rich so chicks would be attracted to me


----------



## CoffeeGuy (Sep 23, 2013)

If she was genuinely romantically interested in me then I think I'd be fine with it. 

My view may be a bit biased because I have a genetic physical disorder, so I think this situation might actually be pretty likely for me assuming I do find someone in the future. 

It probably wouldn't be fair for me to require that any potential partner be attracted to my weird abnormalities. :b


----------



## BackToThePast (Aug 31, 2012)

Huh, it's interesting because I never thought about this when it came to relationships. I've always reasoned that if she were romantically and sexually invested, that would be enough. Now that I think about it, it would make me more self conscious about my looks. Because in the back of my mind I'd be thinking "my (potential) soulmate doesn't think I'm hot."

In short, I would mind, but it's hard to tell if it'd be a deal-breaker, especially if she likes me for my personality. Guess I'd have to be in a relationship like that to find out.


----------



## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

As someone who had been bullied for many years for being ugly, it would be soul-crushing. But at the same time, when you're unattractive you don't expect anyone to actually be attracted to you (and know that probably nobody finds you attractive), even if they say they are.


----------



## inane (Oct 21, 2013)

I guess it would be okay. I'm not attractive. If I ever want a relationship, I'll have to accept that my partner wouldn't find me as such... Which is why it's been singlehood for 7 years and counting :blank


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

This certainly doesn't seem like it'd foster a fulfilling relationship to me.


----------



## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

IndigoPena said:


> If I'm understanding the question correctly, this could be something that happens over time, too. If you're with someone for a long time -- decades, let's say -- you're both going to get old and lose your physical appeal. But you can still be romantically and sexually attracted.
> 
> Any long-lasting relationship is going to end up at that point anyway, so I could live with it as an initial condition as well, unless it bothered her. Then it would bother me.


+1

Attraction is based on multiple factors. Some young college girls have crushes on older professors. It's not always aesthetics that attracts you. I like nerdy girls in glasses. I also find intelligence and sophistication very attractive in a woman. Everything mixes together to give you an overall attraction.

Actually, aesthetic attraction is the most unreliable. People age and even before they age you may find someone who is more aesthetically appealing.


----------



## bubbletea (May 31, 2014)

i don't think i'd really care about it, as long as they are willing to stay with me for life and not cheat or anything. and as long as they enjoy being with me


----------



## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I would not be able to be in that relationship. Too insecure and I want to be with someone who likes looking at me and touching me.


----------



## OMGallthenamesaretaken (Nov 16, 2012)

I'm not sure It's possible FOR ME not to be sexually attracted to a partner I love. When you love someone they seem more beautiful than anyone else. At least in my experience. As for a partner... if she admitted to being disappointed in my physical features it would destroy my confidence and in the end it would probably ruin the realtionship


----------



## LadyLike (Oct 31, 2014)

AngelClare said:


> +1
> 
> Attraction is based on multiple factors. Some young college girls have crushes on older professors. It's not always aesthetics that attracts you. I like nerdy girls in glasses. I also find intelligence and sophistication very attractive in a woman. Everything mixes together to give you an overall attraction.
> 
> Actually, aesthetic attraction is the most unreliable. People age and even before they age you may find someone who is more aesthetically appealing.


This. ^^^

I have been into people that I did not think were physically attractive, but their personality drew me in. I could see myself falling in love with someone that was "ugly". When you truly love someone, their looks really don't matter. You still want to have sex because you like the person for who they are. The aging thing is a perfect example. Or people who gain a tremendous amount of weight. I wouldn't stop sleeping with a person I love just because they weren't aesthetically "pleasing". For one night stands, yes the looks come into play more than personality. But relationships are a whole other thing. Bottom line - I want to be with someone who I enjoy spending time with. I could care less if he's not attractive as long as we have chemistry and respect.


----------



## Eazi (Mar 27, 2013)

I'd be a lot less happy if they only valued me for my looks which wouldn't last long anyways.


----------



## RachRenee (Nov 13, 2014)

I don't think that anyone would want to KNOW something like that. Ignorance truly is bliss in this case.


----------



## FriedChicken (May 18, 2013)

This isn't possible. You can't be sexually attractive to someone and be physically unattractive to the person. People do not have sex with someone who turns them off physically. 

This reminds me of how some women say their boyfriends are ugly, but they like their personality. They're in denial that they are attracted to men that don't fit the norm or social standard for an attractive man.


----------



## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

mezzoforte said:


> You mean if they were somehow sexually attracted to me based on my personality, but not based on how I looked? :con


 That's how Im interpreting it....

In a way it'd be a compliment , b/c I find personality is more valuable and lasts longer than looks anyway.


----------



## SD92 (Nov 9, 2013)

Yes I would mind. I'd only get into a relationship with someone that was attracted to me.


----------



## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

You guys are horrible. Personality is what matters.


----------



## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

it would kill me. like i don't already have enough self-esteem issues


----------

