# Overprotective parents/family a big factor for your SA?



## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

I have thought about this a lot. I haven't really researched or read up on this, but I was wondering how many of you think this is/was a major cause of your SA?

I had a very protective childhood from my parents, especially my mother (who is a reserved person as well - the ironic thing is my dad is very outgoing and talkative). A lot of the things I wanted to do as a kid, as they related to going out and such, were frowned upon by my parents. They didn't even like me going out to play with our neighbors back then. They didn't want me joining sports or extracurricular groups in high school until it was necessary to graduate. 

I find myself thinking how this is a big contributor to my anxiety, as well as the negativity in my outlook on life from looking at everything with a cautious, distrustful eye. I'm very cynical, and have to force myself to be more optimistic. (Though I'm getting better in the latter area, especially in terms of my career.)

I guess the thing with them being that protective was that I developed a deeper-than-I-would-like sense of indecision about doing virtually anything in life. (I guess maybe stemming from always having to await their approval.) In a way, though, owning my own business is helping me a LOT with being more confident, decisive and in control of my life. They are my consequences and my choices.

It's definitely a struggle, and sometimes I do revert to just locking myself away for a few days and doing things on my own. My parents were so adamant about not going on with my business, but I'm glad I kept going with it. I think in a sense that was the biggest moment when I "killed my parents" and disconnected that ever watchful eye. I think we're transitioning to that stage of them being more available for advice rather than forcing themselves into my life.

I would love to hear other experiences and situations, for more perspective and different ways of looking at this if anyone would care to share. Thanks for reading this long one if you made it here.


----------



## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

For sure. I think it's common even outside of SA now, overprotective parents who don't prepare their children for the real world...

As it was with me, if I missed my mother's call once she'd lose her mind. She worries herself to the point of tears. Once I went over my friend's house and she called up, mad, because I didn't inform her or something.

I'm the same way in that I'm very indecisive and need to wait for approval to do anything. I'm pretty broken...


----------



## jesse93 (Jun 10, 2012)

Yea, I believe this also, I was pretty protected by my mother as a kid, she would do literally everything for me, no matter where we went she was my voice, I didn't even get the chance to talk, she would talk for me. When I'd get in trouble in school, she would be the one to explain what I did and why what i did was wrong, and it's not because I didn't want to, it's because she spoke over me, which caused me to sit in silence, honestly just this year it's the first time I've been to an actual doctor appointment by myself, without her being my voice, and I think that has helped feed my SA in a way, I never speak up to anyone, I never let my voice be heard, it's super hard for me to explain myself when needed, it definitely seems to have had some kind of bad effect on me.


----------



## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

My parents weren't over protective per se, they had a way of validating your ideas through a barage of questions all designed to focus on the worst possible outcomes and create doubt/anxiety around every decision or action. No risk goes unchallenged. No decision goes unquestioned. Most of the time, I'd just give up.

To this day, I'm in analysis/paralysis for most decisions and have heightened anxiety before, during, and after every decision that is put into action.

Would they say that they are just doing jobs as parents to make sure we've thought things through? Sure, but they aren't aware hiw their chosen style in approaching it turned their two children into anxious basket cases.

Happy Mother's Day!


----------



## jimmysheva (Nov 20, 2013)

o god YES! My parents are fricking helicopters! when i was in middle school we had this valentine's party and my mom insisted on coming with me to the ballroom because she wanted to see what it looked like. none of the other kids had their parents take them to the ballroom. it was so embarassing that i left the party.

and my dad never let me drive. they hire a driver to drive me anywhere. he's so worried that i might get into an accident. even after college, they insist that a driver drives me to work everyday. they're crazy!


----------



## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

KyleInSTL said:


> My parents weren't over protective per se, they had a way of validating your ideas through a barage of questions all designed to focus on the worst possible outcomes and create doubt/anxiety around every decision or action. No risk goes unchallenged. No decision goes unquestioned. Most of the time, I'd just give up.
> 
> To this day, I'm in analysis/paralysis for most decisions and have heightened anxiety before, during, and after every decision that is put into action.
> 
> ...


I can definitely relate to this. Even now, my parents tend to badger me about what's going on in my life whenever we get together. At times I feel like I'm still in high school, even though I'm not living with them any more.

It was especially rough with the business I started. They used to question every decision I made and go on and on about the same topic for weeks whenever they called. (My parents had a restaurant that ultimately failed when I was a kid, so I suspect a lot of the negativity and questioning stems from their experience.) It's been a year since I started my company, so fortunately my parents have calmed down a bit since then.

I do have paralysis by analysis in many social situations, but not so much in work and networking environments in my industry (out of necessity in becoming an entrepreneur, I suppose). I'm trying to be more impulsive to counter that otherwise, but it's definitely a struggle to not get lost in pouring over every detail (sometimes ones that are unnecessary and assumptive) of every decision and succumbing to negativity and doubt.

It's not that my parents treated me poorly; far from it. They helped guide me to a good moral compass and stressed the importance of family bonds as well as education. It's just that the social aspect of being raised left a lot to be desired in my situation, obviously.


----------



## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Jammer25 said:


> It was especially rough with the business I started. They used to question every decision I made and go on and on about the same topic for weeks whenever they called. (My parents had a restaurant that ultimately failed when I was a kid, so I suspect a lot of the negativity and questioning stems from their experience.) It's been a year since I started my company, so fortunately my parents have calmed down a bit since then.


Congrats on starting a business! That is huge.

My brother and I have talked over many ideas, but we go right to the root of why it will fail. We actually thought about becoming professional "Devil's Advocates" since we are proficient at seeing the downside. Another side effect of our upbringing.


----------



## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

An overprotective mother is probably the *biggest* cause of my SA. I was never allowed to make decisions (I still have trouble not getting her opinion on things, and I'm in my late 20s...) I wasn't allowed anywhere on my own, even as a teenager. Why use public transport, when she could drive me and my friends around? Instead of going out, why not have people stay over, so she can keep an eye on us?

When I was about 13, there was a nightclub that everyone went to, but I was never allowed to go, so I missed out on all the socialising that went along with it. So by the time I *could* go (when I was 16 or thereabouts), everyone had that much more experience, I decided it was easier and safer to just keep avoiding it.



KyleInSTL said:
 

> Would they say that they are just doing jobs as parents to make sure we've thought things through? Sure, but they aren't aware hiw their chosen style in approaching it turned their two children into anxious basket cases.


Also, this pretty much sums up how I feel about my parents' methods.


----------



## jimmysheva (Nov 20, 2013)

i want to believe that they just wanted to set me straight but they also wanted me to wear expensive brands like prada, lv, etc. they want me to wear fancy watches and always scold me whenever i go out without wearing a watch. they're reasoning is "if you don't wear a watch people think i don't have money". they once forced me to buy a burberry blue label jacket that cost $1200. they think people who don't like expensive brands are weirds.

i believe they want to use me to show people that they're fashionable and have money to buy all these stuff.


----------



## CelestiaSun (May 22, 2014)

Totally. My mother was always over-protective of me and put me under a lot of rules and restrictions. I don't think parents realize how much they're affecting their children & pretty much shaping and molding our personalities while we're young. 
My mom made me feel scared to do anything wrong. I felt so contained within myself rather than free to do whatever I wanted without worry. 
She taught me to bow down to others rather than to stand up for myself.
I think this impacted me a lot, which sucks. I regret listening to my parents.. I wish I would of rebelled against them more when I was younger haha. 
At least I know now how to not treat my future children.


----------



## aquariusrising (May 19, 2014)

Yes! I agree. Combined with our poor upbringing. We had it bad. Food was scarce. 
I never went to any groups, camps, classes, clubs out of money. Not a single one of those! But I was an outcast and bullied at school anyway.
I rarely went to the park or playground, and if I did, it was my mum swinging me on the swing and playing with me the best she could. I was an only child which made it harder. I always played alone at school (once or twice I didn't) or on our small back and front yard. I had more interaction with adults growing up than I did kids.

I had my bed made all my life and she done everything for me. She did try to teach me a few times, but I think it is that I never had that discipline from her to get it ingrained in my mind and to keep doing it. Not just her... I just can't grasp now to do it today. I just have a very strong mental weakness to handle anything. Even though she has taught me.. And other people. I admit I had a pretty soft mum. I think if she was tougher, I might've become a mentally stronger person. But I love her anyway, and she did her best. If I was a mother, I would probably do the same. One reason I never want to be a parent. I would become a clone of my mother. I don't want my kids to grow up like I did. 

My mother wouldn't let me walk up the road or go anywhere alone, even when I was around 11/12. I would do the same for my child, but it can cause long term affects when you keep doing it.
As I got around 14 my mum left me alone quite a bit, but it was too late. The damage had been done.

I was living like a prisoner in my own home because of our money situation. We hardly ever went out. Maybe once every two weeks to the mall together. But that's it. Or seeing my grandmother. It was really hard. It was hell living with my own mind. At that time I didn't have the internet. It was just talking with my stuffed animals, reading books, watching DVDs and playing card games with mum... Things like that. It was such a hard time for me. I developed very deep depression. Combine that with your mother having depression and love troubles... It caused so much stress in me. I was so ****ing lonely too! 

Looking back, I had a very lonely and isolated childhood. I don't blame my mother fully, I just wasn't liked by kids!


----------



## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

Probably.


----------



## aquariusrising (May 19, 2014)

But thing is, I don't agree 100% on strict parents either. Like some of the parents on "World's Strictest Parents". They can be 100% controlling of what friends their kids have, what music they listen to, homeschooling... where they go... Things like that. If that doesn't cause social phobia, it can cause anxiety and a really snobby and very judgmental attitude of others. If they have kids, and continue that controlling behaviour of their kids lives, those kids could end up with social phobia. Kids/teenagers need so much space to think and discover and learn from their own mistakes. Not saying dangerous situations are right to go in, the parents should ALWAYS let a child know wrong and right!

I think parents should allow their kids freedom, not 100% freedom (especially as teenagers), but still imply strict rules otherwise, like homework, curfew, chores and bedtime. But still be a shoulder to cry on. I think that is the right kind of parent! You have to give and take with people. I believe some parents think "parents" means you have to control everything they do and they are "always right" and never listen to their kids and accept they are in a new generation. 

Kids need to explore the world, learn to accept other cultures, other people... You know? You can't shelter them all the time. Not saying the exposure has to come at once, but gradually at their own pace.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I'm distrustful and cynical too but my parents were totally not overprotective. If anything they just let me do whatever. Wasn't spoiled but they didn't try to control me much at all. I never had a curfew or any such thing.


----------



## aquariusrising (May 19, 2014)

One thing I thank my mum for, is that she installed good bathroom hygiene in me and being polite. To this day, I am polite and always wash my hands after the toilet. (Number 1 or two with hot water and disinfectant).
My tooth brushing is **** today, but most of my life I brushed my teeth, thanks to her reminding me and teaching me the right thing.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I only rinse my hands with water after I pee when I'm at home. Some of my roommates are worse. I hear the guy flush the toilet and one second later the bathroom door is opened.


----------



## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

aquariusrising said:


> Kids need to explore the world, learn to accept other cultures, other people... You know? You can't shelter them all the time. Not saying the exposure has to come at once, but gradually at their own pace.


This has come up a lot in my talks with my mom over the years. Her acknowledging that exposing me to different things could have been done better in my childhood and adolescence.

But the thing that gets me is that to this day, she pesters and expects me to jump into the fire that is socialization, experience and exposure. Explore cultures and places, meet women, make friends, do activities or whatever and become a well-adjusted adult...to somehow make up for a lack of that mentality in my formative years.

I know I'm an adult now and I should do better to do those things for myself, and that sometimes "just going for it" can work out, but it's easier said than done if anything. I'm working on it, but it's a struggle all the same.


----------



## aquariusrising (May 19, 2014)

Jammer25 said:


> This has come up a lot in my talks with my mom over the years. Her acknowledging that exposing me to different things could have been done better in my childhood and adolescence.
> 
> But the thing that gets me is that to this day, she pesters and expects me to jump into the fire that is socialization, experience and exposure. Explore cultures and places, meet women, make friends, do activities or whatever and become a well-adjusted adult...to somehow make up for a lack of that mentality in my formative years.
> 
> I know I'm an adult now and I should do better to do those things for myself, and that sometimes "just going for it" can work out, but it's easier said than done if anything. I'm working on it, but it's a struggle all the same.


Lol. I know. My mother wants me to just go out and be social too and "live my life". She loves throwing the "I had a -- kid at your age!".


----------



## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

aquariusrising said:


> Lol. I know. My mother wants me to just go out and be social too and "live my life". She loves throwing the "I had a -- kid at your age!".


Right? One of the most unsettling things my mom does when I visit is suggest setting me up with a co-worker's daughter or something.

I'll admit that, given my lack of social skills right now, it doesn't sound terrible. But the fact that it's my mom who would be in the process makes it really awkward.


----------



## Boomaloom (May 28, 2014)

I imagine it had something to do with it yes. My mother is the best in the world, a model of self sacrifice for her children. But in the animal kingdom, there comes a time when the parent pecks the chick until it flys out of the nest, the mama polar bear chases its young away when it gets old enough. I think tough love is as important as anything in a parents repertoire. 
Weird thing is, I rebelled against this as strongly as any teen. When I got to 17/18, she relented and I moved into a student apartment in the city with a friend of mine. That was a crossroads for me. She had given me the space to breath and I suppose I could have gone on from there. But that's when my problems kicked in and a year later I had left and moved back home. From then on I kind of regressed.


----------



## Pearson99 (Feb 23, 2014)

Yes, my mother was so overprotective of me.


----------



## SuperSaiyanGod (Jan 21, 2014)

More like a controlling, and easily angered father. My mom was a pretty lenient parent. Maybe too lenient at times.


----------



## pockybear (May 29, 2014)

I -know- that at least 50% of my anxiety results from my overprotective parents...


I'm 20 now and they still don't let me come home later than 12. I'm not allowed to bring my boyfriend to my house. My dad comes into my room every 8pm, asking me to call my mum because it's dark and she hasn't come home yet. And every night I reply that mum finishes work at 10pm. (I think he has dementia)


----------



## Losti (Aug 23, 2012)

*sigh* the beauty of being 'that guy' with an 'ethnic' conservative parent . . .


----------



## knight1985 (May 28, 2013)

I can totally relate. My mom till this day doesn't forget to make me realise that she has her stamp all over me. When I'm on the phone she wud barge into the room and talk to me. If I said I'm on the phone she would knowingly speak loudly so the other person knows she's there. 

This is so f*kd up


----------

