# Do you enjoy being good-naturedly teased?



## Esteban (Dec 8, 2014)

Does your SA just make it feel like you're being bullied? Do you experience all or most teasing, even if it's "good-natured," as bullying due to past negative experiences or just due to your predisposition for anxiety? Are you good at differentiating between pro-social and anti-social teasing? Do you often reinterpret memories of pro-social teasing as anti-social teasing when stuck in rumination? Do you think all teasing is bullying when directed at you because of your SA?



> *When Does Teasing Go Too Far?*
> 
> Pro-social and anti-social teasing in the locker room
> Post published by Angela Grippo Ph.D. on Nov 25, 2013 in The Wide Wide World of Psychology
> ...


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...sychology/201311/when-does-teasing-go-too-far


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## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

There is no person in the world I know well enough to know for certain when they are joking, or what their motives are. I always assume the worst and unfortunately, I'm usually correct.


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

most of the time i'm okay with it, but obviously when i'm depressed/pissed off or in a situation where i'm going to have to awkwardly explain myself it's very much not appreciated


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Can you give an example?

I assume you're not just talking about sexual teasing :um


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## whocares187 (May 23, 2015)

teasing is rarely malicious, and if you suspect it is simply talk back. Some people take mild teasing way too personally, often following it up with indirect passive aggressive behaviour. Don't be that guy.


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## Mxx1 (Feb 3, 2015)

No i don't have a problem with it often. 
I often knows when a person means good or bad about it so as long as they mean well and doesn't do it to it to be mean towards me i have no problem with it.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*no*

I attack


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## Esteban (Dec 8, 2014)

Skeletra said:


> Can you give an example?


The problem with giving examples online is that they won't convey the intent made evident in their body language and tone of voice.

But, I don't know ..... Making fun of some guy for buying a bowflex, but never using it.

"John sure makes good use of that bowflex machine .... as a coat hanger HAHAAHAHA" John pretends to laugh along because he doesn't want to be seen as oversensitive. Let's say John isn't overweight and is in fairly good shape. Let's also say that his family makes this joke often when they see him near this unused bowflex machine.

However, this could feel like mockery to John because he has an eating disorder, but the people teasing him don't know this. So, he may reinterpret this teasing as them calling him fat. Due to his distorted thinking of the situation, he begins overexercising, in addition to his bulimia. When ruminating about the situation, he sees a lot of contemptuous looks on the faces of the people teasing him, instead of the friendly faces of the people lightly teasing him.

Also, I like this explanation:



> My sense is, good-natured teasing is _mock aggression_ Like when a friend play-slaps another, but it is only a gesture, there is no force used and the slap is to a non sensitive area - the shoulder or arm and not, say, the face. Superficially hurtful.
> 
> Good natured teasing is the same way. It is a mock insult to a non sensitive area. For example, let's say you are very proficient in tennis. One day you lose badly. A friend says, "are you sure you got strings in that racket? Man!"
> 
> ...


http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums/v...sid=2c56099214e09317ab1e7d2b35e5ab5a&start=15

Someone with SA could easily interpret teasing directed towards apparently non-sensitive areas as being a serious insult. The tennis player in the above example might take the above teasing as proof via catastrophizing thoughts that he's not fit to be a tennis player, so he ends up quitting tennis altogether, despite actually being proficient at it.

So, someone without SA or someone who can enjoy good-natured teasing due to being mentally healthy and self-assured, wouldn't likely reinterpret the above playful teasing as insulting. They might enjoy it.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

People teasing can also read facial expressions and they should be able to see when they cross the sensitive line. As soon as they cross it they are no longer just teasing.

That said. I don't mind playful teasing.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I can handle it if it's someone I'm really close to, but otherwise I do feel a bit bad but I try to think as objectively as I can about it.

There was this guy I didn't know well who I ended up walking with to uni one day and we walked past this school (with loads of young children heading in) and he said something to this effect 'I guess this is where you go'

implying that I look like a young child. And that did piss me off to be honest but I can't remember how I actually reacted probably just said 'hey' or something halfheartedly.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I'm a poor judge of when the teasing is meant to be malicious or endearing, so not a big fan of it. Of course, there are times when I remember my childhood adage of "They wouldn't tease you if they didn't care about you." or something to that effect.

I'm still relatively new at work and ribbing each other is pretty common. I guess there has been a time recently where I got teased and felt pretty good since I was being more accepted as part of the team where there are still some others that won't even bother to say hello. That hurts more.


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## bad baby (Jun 10, 2013)

I dislike teasing because I never know how to respond. Sometimes I just laugh along, but if I'm actually hurt I would be too shy to express it, and so the person would likely tease me again.

People who say offensive things and hide behind "just kidding, lighten up" are annoying af. I thought jokes were supposed to be funny?:roll


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

I generally have a thick skin but I can see how it's possible to be sensitive to good-natured teasing due to SA. While it's good to have a sense of humor, there are (like many other things) boundaries and comfort zones.


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

I think it's fun, I like a good back and forth, it breaks the ice of a situation and also makes me feel like I'm better friends with the person. Also it seems like some girls like being lightly teased when being flirted with.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

I don't mind jokes and teasing if it's with good friends. I can even joke back and trash talk. As long as it's not mean or it goes too far.

I'm not so good at doing it with strangers because i blush, but i can manage.


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

KyleInSTL said:


> I'm a poor judge of when the teasing is meant to be malicious or endearing, so not a big fan of it.


You must hate talking to me! For future reference, I'm {probably} never being malicious. 



crimeclub said:


> I think it's fun, I like a good back and forth, it breaks the ice of a situation and also makes me feel like I'm better friends with the person. Also it seems like some girls like being lightly teased when being flirted with.


Friends for life! :kiss:


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

There's a few people who I know enough where I can tell when they're joking. So on that level, I'm usually fine with it. Aside from that, I mostly lack the ability to tell whether or not someone is joking with me, or trying to get in a veiled hostile jab at me. This of course, has gotten people to react negatively to me seemingly countless times. It's also one of the many reasons why I distance myself from people to begin with.

Another thing that is extremely annoying is when someone is saying something about me (while I'm there), and I want to try to address it. But because I actually to address it (not in a hostile), they ALWAYS try to accuse me of being offended, when most of those times I am not offended.

They do this for two reasons: one is that when I try to respond to what they're saying about me, it makes them look silly for going after me so they have to backpedal to save face. Another reason is that they want me to fully accept me being the center of joke, in a way like I'm supposed to say something like "oh you're right guys, I really am that much of a mess, oh screwy me!" or something else that's dignity draining.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

KyleInSTL said:


> I'm a poor judge of when the teasing is meant to be malicious or endearing, so not a big fan of it.


Exactly my sentiment.



> Of course, there are times when I remember my childhood adage of "They wouldn't tease you if they didn't care about you." or something to that effect.


 I'm aware that it's fairly common for close friends to rag on each other though, which is a bit different. But also it depends on what kind of teasing or how the teasing is done. I've been "teased" by others that I knew for sure did not give a **** about me.



> I'm still relatively new at work and ribbing each other is pretty common. I guess there has been a time recently where I got teased and felt pretty good since I was being more accepted as part of the team where there are still some others that won't even bother to say hello. That hurts more.


 I get what you mean and that's happened to me as well. The one's who don't even acknowledge you make you feel worse, because it makes you if it was something wrong you did. I think it comes down to shame in some cases.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

bad baby said:


> I dislike teasing because I never know how to respond. Sometimes I just laugh along, but if I'm actually hurt I would be too shy to express it, and so the person would likely tease me again.


 That's the thing, often times I don't know how to respond and that hesitation on how to react leads the person to believe automatically that I'm offended. I have to analyze and think about it first. That's one other thing that elevates the anxiety: the fact that I feel like I have to react IMMEDIATELY to these people. And I have a very hard time doing that, without screwing up what to say.

But it never ends in "I'm sorry I embarrassed you" or anything like that. It's always "Geez, why are you getting all offended? You're so sensitive!", so that they don't look like the ******* and they shift the wrongdoing over to you.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Sure, it's fun camaraderie. I can dish it and take it. It's all in the name o fun


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## Hank Scorpio (Oct 28, 2008)

I don't like it. Not because I take it seriously but because you're expected to do it back and when you don't they say "I'm _just kidding!!_" and think you're too stupid to get the joke.


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## indiscipline (May 24, 2015)

I do. It’s actually even kind of a fondness. Humour if anything diffuses tension; I’m a thousand times more likely to joke around in a conversation than anything.


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## bad baby (Jun 10, 2013)

BlazingLazer said:


> That's the thing, often times I don't know how to respond and that hesitation on how to react leads the person to believe automatically that I'm offended. I have to analyze and think about it first. That's one other thing that elevates the anxiety: the fact that I feel like I have to react IMMEDIATELY to these people. And I have a very hard time doing that, without screwing up what to say.
> 
> But it never ends in "I'm sorry I embarrassed you" or anything like that. It's always "Geez, why are you getting all offended? You're so sensitive!", so that they don't look like the ******* and they shift the wrongdoing over to you.


Which is why I always try to laugh it off yea, even if deep down I am hurt I won't show it. Not because I'm brave or anything like that (god no!), I just don't want people to think I'm not a good sport... One of my ex-coworkers used to tease me about my weight and I let him, even though what I really wanted to do was grab the nearest chair and smash it over his head. Like, this is how body image issues are formed you know, but I wouldn't expect some insensitive jerk to understand.


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## saya2077 (Oct 6, 2013)

If its a family member I'm ok with it. Or a close friend.

Everyone else it makes me uncomfortable.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

I don't mind bantering. Usually this happens once a person gets to knowing you. 

Observational remarks from a complete stranger, that's kind of annoying.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

bad baby said:


> Which is why I always try to laugh it off yea, even if deep down I am hurt I won't show it. Not because I'm brave or anything like that (god no!), I just don't want people to think I'm not a good sport... One of my ex-coworkers used to tease me about my weight and I let him, even though what I really wanted to do was grab the nearest chair and smash it over his head. Like, this is how body image issues are formed you know, but I wouldn't expect some insensitive jerk to understand.


 I know what you mean. It can be tricky too, how to handle it.

I usually nowadays don't react at all when someone jokes about something I'm uncomfortable with. I don't want to show that I'm offended, but I don't have it in me to laugh along with it if it's something that makes me uncomfortable either.

Having said all that, I'm hardly "offended" by things, but I'm paranoid and hypervigilant on picking up on people potentially trying to make me look bad. You could say my "sensors" are on overdrive sometimes.


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## SD92 (Nov 9, 2013)

It's ok sometimes as long as it doesn't go too far. I'm usually nervous and wonder if people are joking or being serious. If I didn't have any Social Anxiety, I'd probably enjoy it.



Persephone The Dread said:


> There was this guy I didn't know well who I ended up walking with to uni one day and we walked past this school (with loads of young children heading in) and he said something to this effect 'I guess this is where you go'
> 
> implying that I look like a young child. And that did piss me off to be honest but I can't remember how I actually reacted probably just said 'hey' or something halfheartedly.


Maybe he meant you look like a teacher?


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

i guess, if i know the person enough. i like to play around.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

SD92 said:


> It's ok sometimes as long as it doesn't go too far. I'm usually nervous and wonder if people are joking or being serious. If I didn't have any Social Anxiety, I'd probably enjoy it.
> 
> Maybe he meant you look like a teacher?


No he definitely didn't, he pointed at the school children, he knew other people had made similar jokes because I'm small and look young before, he was definitely talking about that trust me.


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## Cletis (Oct 10, 2011)

Rarely.

I do like teasing (good naturedly, of course) attractive females though. Some would call it flirting. :um


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

I'm generally okay with it. It's just banter and it makes things more fun, since we know it's not serious.

But there are situations where I have a problem with it. When it's a one-way thing directed at me, or when a bunch of people join in and send a barrage of 'teasing' my way without stopping, that's a situation where I know it's more than just teasing. It's like I'm being picked on. If it was just teasing it wouldn't all be directed at me. I always seem to end up at the bottom of any social hierarchy and the other people seem to preferentially rag on me. It pisses me off. I was bullied a lot in school so I take that stuff personally.

For example, there was this one time when I was playing some sports video games with one roommate. I wasn't as good as him, which I didn't mind really. But the whole time we were playing he just kept trash talking me continuously. It went on like that for two solid hours. By the end I just got so pissed off that I left and went back to my room. Another roommate came and tried to cheer me up in this pitying voice, which made me feel worse, and the original roommate did too. They must have thought I was just being over-emotional about being beaten. But how can they expect me to be the unilateral target of trash-talking for 2 straight hours without it getting to me? I'm okay with trash talking, but when it's so one-sided it makes me feel like I'm being picked on.


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## tidbit (May 13, 2015)

Good-natured teasing is fun and I enjoy it. But I don't like people who keep at it. Then it starts to get boring, and makes me start questioning whether or not they're really teasing or just being truthful in guise of a joke. Probably my paranoia, though.


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## bad baby (Jun 10, 2013)

BlazingLazer said:


> I know what you mean. It can be tricky too, how to handle it.
> 
> I usually nowadays don't react at all when someone jokes about something I'm uncomfortable with. I don't want to show that I'm offended, but I don't have it in me to laugh along with it if it's something that makes me uncomfortable either.
> 
> Having said all that, I'm hardly "offended" by things, but I'm paranoid and hypervigilant on picking up on people potentially trying to make me look bad. You could say my "sensors" are on overdrive sometimes.


IDK, not reacting at all might make you look weird. Sometimes people say things to me and I reply so softly that they miss it, and they think I'm ignoring them, and it just gets super awkward from there... I think most people have friendly (if not exactly good) intentions, they want to get along with you because it makes life easier for everyone, even if they don't particularly like you. SA just tends to bring out the paranoia in everyone.


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## AllieG (Feb 20, 2014)

I usually don't mind if someone I know well/I am friendly with teases me. However, if they do it way too much it can get annoying.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

bad baby said:


> IDK, not reacting at all might make you look weird. Sometimes people say things to me and I reply so softly that they miss it, and they think I'm ignoring them, and it just gets super awkward from there... I think most people have friendly (if not exactly good) intentions, they want to get along with you because it makes life easier for everyone, even if they don't particularly like you. SA just tends to bring out the paranoia in everyone.


 I'm aware that I risk looking weird, but at that point I hardly care about what they think after all that. I just want them to go the **** away, by then. I feel I shouldn't have to go out of my way to laugh along with it if I don't feel all that good about it. So I don't react kind of as an "in between".

I wish there was a more effective way for me to deal with it that doesn't sacrifice some dignity.

You make valid points about it mostly being fairly innocuous and without malice. But a lot of times people react to things in such a knee-jerk way that it actually triggers SA-like tendencies in some people. This is partly why I like to distance myself from people at times to begin with (although I realize this is not very healthy, ultimately).


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## bad baby (Jun 10, 2013)

@BlazingLazer Hmmm actually I was thinking about this more, and I think you could potentially not react in a way that makes it pointedly obvious that you are deliberately ignoring their comment so as to make _them_ feel like the stupid one for saying something weird _to you_.... if that makes any sense at all. God I love my italics, haha.

And yeaaa well effective ways of dealing with things come from life experience, and life experience comes from not avoiding things. It's the painful reality for all of us I guess (>_<) Also IIRC there's a kind of exposure therapy for SA that involves something similar to this - going out dressed in ridiculous costumes and such, and learning to desensitize yourself from people's reactions. In the past week or so I've had a couple of situations where I was good-naturedly teased by coworkers and such, and I felt perfectly fine afterwards. Not sure if my SA is improving or if it's just a fluke. I have a tendency to get overly excited over nothing sometimes.


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## Sean07 (May 9, 2014)

Yes because it's good natured and fun. It's a form of affection really. Like, I wouldn't do it to someone I don't know but I would to my close mates. Can you imagine a world without good natured teasing?










...euughhhhh


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## Dilweedle (Oct 17, 2013)

I don't mind it, but if it happens too frequently or it's too one-sided it starts to get to me. I've got one guy in particular that does it to test his boundaries with me and it's annoying.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

love it. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

bad baby said:


> @*BlazingLazer* Hmmm actually I was thinking about this more, and I think you could potentially not react in a way that makes it pointedly obvious that you are deliberately ignoring their comment so as to make _them_ feel like the stupid one for saying something weird _to you_.... if that makes any sense at all. God I love my italics, haha.


 Now that you mention this, I have done this every so often intentionally and unintentionally. It's kinda nice to sense the squirming from the other person too, haha.



> And yeaaa well effective ways of dealing with things come from life experience, and life experience comes from not avoiding things. It's the painful reality for all of us I guess (>_<) Also IIRC there's a kind of exposure therapy for SA that involves something similar to this - going out dressed in ridiculous costumes and such, and learning to desensitize yourself from people's reactions. In the past week or so I've had a couple of situations where I was good-naturedly teased by coworkers and such, and I felt perfectly fine afterwards. Not sure if my SA is improving or if it's just a fluke. I have a tendency to get overly excited over nothing sometimes.


 Yeah, I realize that a lot of what I picked up on has mainly been through trial and error. Better late than never, I suppose though.

I also have a hard time telling whether or not I'm genuinely improving or if things were just a fluke. I'd be too cautious (and reluctant) to proclaim "I'm getting over this!" and "I did it, I'm over SA!", unless I knew for sure that I was in that state on a CONSISTENT basis. I've seen many users here say that they're getting over their SA, only for them to come back a week later saying how much of a nervous wreck they were, not too long after.

Oh, and the type of therapy you mentioned is called "shame attacking". I don't know how it'd work for me personally, but it seems even established cognitive therapists like Albert Ellis seem to propose it in certain circumstances.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Imbored21 said:


> love it. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.


Well, then....buckle up buttercup!


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## Raeden (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm fine with being teased as long as they can take some, too. Depending on who is saying it, though, I'm more inclined to feel like I'm being mocked or judged.


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

Usually I like a little good natured give and take, though I don't care for needling and passive-aggressive behavior. People like that will usually discover that I have a shockingly foul mouth on such occasions.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

I do it myself all the time, so it would be pretty stupid of me to get offended by it. If I don't make fun of you a little, we're probably not friends yet.

It can be offensive, and it mostly depends on the subject and whether you're on the same page with the person though. Calling your redheaded best friend a ginger: perfectly fine. Intentionally using the head of an acquaintance with dwarfism you're not very close to as an elbow rest: not cool


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

There is a difference between harmless teasing and bullying, but I don't like either. If anyone makes a comment to me, whether good natured or not, I'll tell them to **** off.


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## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

No.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

No,I didn't grow up in a jokey,wise-cracking sort of family so it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's too bad really as I see others relating that way and they usually seem relaxed and able to enjoy it,while I just appear waaaay too serious.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Everyone wants to be taken seriously sometimes. That's difficult if you allow the teasing to continue.


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## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

Usually. Some jokes/acts do seem malicious under the guise of teasing, though.


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