# I have decided to get better!



## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I have decided to get better and work towards becoming the person I want to be and never give up!

My name is hyacinth girl, I'm 24 and starting university in September, something that definitely will require me to step out of my comfort zoon. I've suffered from social anxiety for as long as I can remember. It used to be much worse when I was a teenager, to the point where I rarely left the house. Now I'm fine doing basic social things such as going to the shop or the doctor, but when I'm a situation where I feel like my performance is being judged, such as at work or meeting new people and trying to become friends with them I get super quiet and awkward.

I'm on medication, sertraline 100mg. I’m not sure if it’s helping but I’ve only been on it for about a month and a half so I’m going to give it more time. I'm also doing Dr. Richard's overcoming social anxiety audio program. I'm currently on week 7. It has definitely helped me to realize that I'm not my thoughts nor are my thoughts necessarily the truth.


I’m going to use this as an online journal to keep myself motivated and keep track of my progress. Hopefully it can help others who are in a similar situation!


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I have a trial-shift at a restaurant today. Sure it's not my dream job and it's definitely out of my comfort zoon, but it would be good for me to get out of the house more, plus I need some cash...

I'm definitely nervous, but I'm trying to stay calm. Best case scenario I get the job. Worst case scenario I don't get the job. Nothing bad can happen. I need to leave soon but I will update later about how it went!


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

You have a great attitude towards overcoming your SA and as a result I'm confident you will do so to the stage where it no longer affects your life in any major negative way. My situation was very similar to yours when I was in my late teens and it has improved considerably over the years to the point where it no longer affects my daily life. I'm sure you can be the same/ Good luck.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Good luck!


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## nihilistquestion (Aug 17, 2015)

You have a really positive outlook!  Wish you well in your future endeavours!


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

Thanks guys for your kind words.  I try to stay positive even though it's hard sometimes. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself is not going to make things better for me.

So the trial-shift didn't go very well. I don't think I managed to impress them and to be honest they didn't really impress me either. I found the manager quite rude and I felt very anxious and uncomfortable the whole time. I thought they would want to see me work and give me simple tasks such as cleaning tables but he started with letting me read the menu and then questioned me about it. I couldn't remember anything and felt really stupid. What did they expect though? No one will be able to learn a menu that quickly. He then told me about all the beers they had and what the difference between them was. It was super complicated and I didn't understand half of it.  I did get to take one customers order at the end but that was it. He said they'd call me within a couple of days but I would be very surprised if I got the job. It's not the end of the world, there are other jobs out there and I didn't get a good feeling about this anyway.


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## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

Go Go H.G. 

You have a wonderful attitude, and it's a pleasure to read your posts, I'm sure you will be able to make great strides 

For sure, one job that is an awkward fit is nothing to be concerned about  I have worked in a restaurant when I was younger and I've seen the "tip hunt" turn into some pretty toxic behaviours and attitudes, service industry can certainly have a darker underbelly that most don't see. There is many opportunities out there and I am glad you have the bravery and great mindset to see that and keep going 

In terms of University, try not to worry too much, it's set up in a way to make it pretty easy to stay in the background when you want to and has lots of operatunities to push out of your comfort zone into new things when you do feel like pushing yourself. Only thing I would warn you to expect is that it can be a fairly large jump in difficulty and required effort academically than high school was so just be prepared for that as it can catch many off guard 

Best of luck to you H.G. I hope you have a great day and things keep improving


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

NerdlySquared said:


> Go Go H.G.
> 
> You have a wonderful attitude, and it's a pleasure to read your posts, I'm sure you will be able to make great strides
> 
> ...


Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoy reading my posts. 

Yeah I know, I've worked in a restaurant before but quit due to SA. It's definitely not the best place to work if you have anxiety or even just introverted.

Thanks for your advice. I really want to get a first so I'm prepared to work hard!

So today I'm playing badminton with my boyfriend, his friend and his friend's girlfriend. It may not seem like a big deal but it is for me. I'm terrible at sports, my automatic reaction when someone throws something at me is to run away and hide. I went to the gym with my boyfriend for the first time a couple of weeks ago and almost started crying when he left me alone for 10 minutes.  But I think trying new things is great for personal development and I want to become more physically active so I'm going to give it a try.


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## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

hyacinth girl said:


> Thank you, I'm glad that you enjoy reading my posts.
> 
> Yeah I know, I've worked in a restaurant before but quit due to SA. It's definitely not the best place to work if you have anxiety or even just introverted.
> 
> ...


Hehe, it's nice that you are out there trying, it will get a bit easier the more you go, don't feel pressure to be good at sports to try some out for fun  The gym can be pretty intimidating, there is a lot of strange image dynamics going on there and many people even without SA can feel uncomfortable there for various reasons.

It's always going to be tougher for us to feel fully comfortable doing things like this, but hopefully it will not be an impenetrable barrier for you and you can keep pushing a little more each day  Don't feel bad if you have to hide or run away sometimes, that's all part of it, little steps 

Best of Luck


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## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

Good luck to you


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## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

Good luck, just don't give up.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

So badminton was horrible. I managed to play for about ten minutes before I had to lock myself into the bathroom to cry. I think playing sports (and being terrible at them) triggers some very bad memories from my school years. It's weird, now when I'm at home and calm I can see that it makes no sense for me to cry because I'm bad at badminton. It's good for me to step out of my comfort zoon but this was definitely too much for me, at the moment at least.

On a more positive note, a temp agency called me and told me they had a job for me. I'm going to work as a waitress at two weddings! That will give me some cash and something to do. I also have a job interview for a kitchen assistant job. Not sure how I feel about it because it's really far from where I live, but not having to deal with customers all the time would be heaven!


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## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

hyacinth girl said:


> So badminton was horrible. I managed to play for about ten minutes before I had to lock myself into the bathroom to cry. I think playing sports (and being terrible at them) triggers some very bad memories from my school years. It's weird, now when I'm at home and calm I can see that it makes no sense for me to cry because I'm bad at badminton. It's good for me to step out of my comfort zoon but this was definitely too much for me, at the moment at least.
> 
> On a more positive note, a temp agency called me and told me they had a job for me. I'm going to work as a waitress at two weddings! That will give me some cash and something to do. I also have a job interview for a kitchen assistant job. Not sure how I feel about it because it's really far from where I live, but not having to deal with customers all the time would be heaven!


Don't worry too much about it H.G. It's not always going to be a success  I'm glad you went out there to try  Don't let it discourage you, the more times you do it and internalize that feeling about it when you were calm at home the little bit easier it will get 

That's great about the wedding jobs, congratulations  Weddings are nice anyway because its likely to be mostly pre catered meals and just drink orders to worry about  I'm sure the kitchen assistant job will feel like a breath of fresh air after all the direct customer stuff 

I hope things keep getting better and better H.G.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I worked as a waitress at a wedding yesterday and I actually felt fine the whole time! I was scared at first because the wedding was at a five star hotel and I've never even done table service before but nothing bad happened. Nobody yelled at me or complained that I was too quiet. I didn't have a break-down, my anxiety was under control the whole time. 

I'm meant to go to the cinema with a friend tonight but she's been so slow responding to my texts I feel like she doesn't really want to see me. :/ I can't tell if it's just my SA that's making me feel this way but I sometimes feel like I have to force people to hang out with me. Maybe I should just ignore this feeling and try to reach out to people even more.


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## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

hyacinth girl said:


> I worked as a waitress at a wedding yesterday and I actually felt fine the whole time! I was scared at first because the wedding was at a five star hotel and I've never even done table service before but nothing bad happened. Nobody yelled at me or complained that I was too quiet. I didn't have a break-down, my anxiety was under control the whole time.
> 
> I'm meant to go to the cinema with a friend tonight but she's been so slow responding to my texts I feel like she doesn't really want to see me. :/ I can't tell if it's just my SA that's making me feel this way but I sometimes feel like I have to force people to hang out with me. Maybe I should just ignore this feeling and try to reach out to people even more.


That's really good news about the wedding  I'm so glad it went so well and you could take such a positive memory from it 

In terms of text replay delays and that kind of thing, I think SA can make us pretty hypersensitive to that kind of thing. Most people don't obsess about it quite as much as we can. So recognize that for sure 
That's not to say friends can't ignore you or be distant sometimes but it's just as likely that they are just busy, didn't feel like being social, tired, cranky, stressed, lazy, distracted or a myriad of other things that come up in people's everyday lives that can lead to a text delay or non response etc.

In terms of reaching out more for sure do it (if you can), we tend to be really bad at this, remember there is a line between reaching out and annoying but we tend to be way under that line considering how much interaction we usually attempt compared to the average person.

I hope things continue to improve for you HG and every day is better and better


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

Rescuing this old thread from the dead 

So I'm now almost finished with my first year at uni. Academically I think I've done quite well, I've gotten a first or a 2:1 in every assignment so far.  I've also managed to actually speak in seminars, something I seriously doubted I would ever be able to do!

Socially I've made a few friends on my course. Unfortunately my flat is not the best, everyone is nice but we're all very different people. I talk to them when I see them in the kitchen but that's it (they don't socialize with each other either). I'm good friends with one of my flatmates but she's always away visiting her boyfriend who goes to another uni so I barely get to see her.

I've tried joining a few societies. There is a walking society that I really like. I've also tried the LGBT society but found it to be very exclusive. I still try to go to their meetings as often as I can though.

Dating wise, I broke up with my boyfriend because I'm gay.  I'm actually going on a date tomorrow with a girl I met online but I'm not expecting too much from it. But it will be good practice at least!

I want to continue to improve myself so I decided to make a couple of goals for next week:


Apply for part-time jobs: apply for one job a day
Research and apply for summer jobs in the EU during the summer: apply for one job a day
Manage my finances: make a budget!
Find another online date: message one girl a day
Do some kind of exercise daily


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

^^ congrats, good stuff. The goals thing is a great idea.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I love waking up early. I mean, my body hates it but my mind loves it. By 12 midday today I had already gone on a date and done my exercise for the day (cycling to and from town, and walking with my date). 

The date went alright, she was a sweet girl but I was not really physically attracted to her and she lives very far away. But it was a really fun experience!


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

hyacinth girl said:


> Rescuing this old thread from the dead
> 
> So I'm now almost finished with my first year at uni. Academically I think I've done quite well, I've gotten a first or a 2:1 in every assignment so far.  I've also managed to actually speak in seminars, something I seriously doubted I would ever be able to do!
> 
> ...


Well now I guess that's a pretty good reason to break up with him. 

Sounds like things are going well for you - hope it all works out.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I've only applied to two jobs so far and I already got an interview! It's for a part-time job in a café. My interview is in about an hour, wish me luck!


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## AFoundLady (Feb 8, 2013)

hyacinth girl said:


> I've only applied to two jobs so far and I already got an interview! It's for a part-time job in a café. My interview is in about an hour, wish me luck!


You are so inspiring! :squeeze:clap:smile2:

I am so proud of you for coming so far on your journey. So great to see that you have achieved your goals and have managed to better your life Hope I can follow in your footsteps.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

alostgirl said:


> You are so inspiring! :squeeze:clap:smile2:
> 
> I am so proud of you for coming so far on your journey. So great to see that you have achieved your goals and have managed to better your life Hope I can follow in your footsteps.


Thank you, that's so sweet of you! Good luck with your goals 

I did a trial shift at a restaurant last Friday. I think they liked me and they said they would arrange more shifts for me but I haven't heard back from them yet which is stressing me out a bit. If they have change their mind about me I want to know as soon as possible.

Date wise it's not going well.  I know I shouldn't give up but it's hard.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

So I did my second shift on Friday and I really enjoyed myself. The couple who owns the place are so nice! But I was completely exhausted afterwards. 

I want to take better care of my body so I decided to do a 30 day yoga challenge. I did the first day today and I am so incredibly unflexible! My poor body, hope the yoga will help! 

My flatmate is having people over for dinner and I said I would go but now I don't want to anymore.  They're all nice people but very very LOUD


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I might have lost my job in the restaurant. :/ Apperantly I was only on trial, they said that they would contact me next week and let me knowif they want to hire me. I'm a bit annoyed because they didn't mention this during my previous shifts or the interview. I really should be applying for more jobs but I've been kind of lazy lately. 

On a more positive note, I'm going for a coffee with a girl tomorrow that I met through a dating site. Trying to decide what to wear and all that.  Should I pay for her? I would like to because I think it's cute and romantic but she might find it weird and old -fashioned. Also I'm poor


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

I'm really bad at updating this thread, sorry! I've been working part-time as a catering assistant during the summer. I've met some nice people there (and some not so nice lol) but I'm so sick of the catering buisness. It has nothing to do with what I want to do in life. I'm happy and proud that I've been able to deal with the stress and anxiety I've experienced while working there but I feel like it's time to move on. I want to try to find a job in admin/reception/general office work. My goal for the coming week is to update my CV and apply for 7 different jobs. Wish me luck!


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