# Isolated, Useless at Work



## asiyaajami

(sorry for the long post - I really need to get this off my chest and hear from you guys  )

I'm 26 years old, and I work for a mid-size corporation in a large metropolitan area as an analyst in one of our IT departments. I'm having a really difficult time coping with the job, and I started to have suicidal thoughts two months ago. They get worse when I'm at work. I have a lot of anxiety when I wake up to get ready for work and usually cry on my commute. I cry at my desk. I cry when I leave work, and then the anxiety hits me before I sleep. It's psychologically draining. I'm dealing with an autoimmune disease on top of that, and it's hard to cope with feeling absolutely useless at work, while I'm really sick.

I started the job almost a year as a consultant and was offered employment within the first six months. While this sounds like a fantastic opportunity, and I "passed" the test, it was all because a family member, who is an executive at the company, was pushing for it. I hated that. It didn't seem fair, and it wasn't a reflection on my work performance. I feel like I was some pawn being traded for favors. So, here I am, nearly a year in, and I'm beginning to feel more useless than ever.

When I was being converted from a consultant to an employee, another department took over my would-be responsibilities and rendered my job useless. Now I feel like a sitting duck. I have asked management several times for more work and responsibility. I tried to show initiative that I wanted and could handle more. I ask to be more engaged in our bigger projects. I basically got lip service, and one manager acted as if I was bashing him personally and that I should be thankful for the tasks I have at hand. It's utter bull****. When I reached out to other groups to learn from them, I get ignored. The 80/20 rule isn't really a thing here I guess.

When I first started, I had one supervisor who was never involved in my application. He was never really a manager either. He would pop-in once every few weeks to ask how I was doing and that was it. No direction. Nothing. When my department was taken over by another, and I got a new boss, we have never, to this day, had a conversation. Every time I need him to do something for me, like HR-related stuff, he's impossible to get a hold of. He ignores my emails and calls. He acts like I don't exist.

So, my peer acts like my manager, but it's not the same. We're team members; not boss-employee. He always slips up and insults me, and I'm sure he doesn't know it (just poor communication skills). I'm always being compared to the analyst before me, who moved on to bigger and better things. I'm always hearing about how I need to speak up in meetings and offer my opinions (which is pretty freaking hard for someone with SA and lack of engagement in projects). I'm not an extrovert; I'm a careful observer. I'm suppose to be an *analyst*[/I][/B], not a salesman. That guy has slipped up with comments like, "You don't want people to think you're someone we just hand anything over to because you're available." I've come to the conclusion some team members from the other department are questioning my role in this application. Hell, even I am.

I also feel isolated at work. I do not have a single "friend" here. My coworkers are all male and because they are from another country, there's a cultural issue. They all get lunch together and play ping pong after work. I'm never invited even when I pass by them on their way to lunch. I'm the stupid loser who sits at her desk and eats. Before meetings start, I try to engage in the light conversation among other coworkers, but they talk over me and never acknowledge what I said. I'm not sure if it's purposeful or they don't give a ****.

I've come to hate IT. I could apply to other jobs and get interviews. A lot of recruiters have sought me out (I don't even know why). But I can't imagine staying in IT. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I'm trying to figure out a career path that would better suit me. The money isn't an issue, and I'm not staying at my job because of money. But I face so much pressure from my parents to be perfect and successful, like they are. I feel like I can't compete, and I'm an outcast of society. I don't belong. I have no friends, and people just never seem to gravitate towards me. When I make an effort, I'm ignored. I'd take a minimum wage job that I loved over this crap any day. I wish I could figure out what that is.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've read the career websites, I've networked with some professionals, and I've read the self-help books. I feel defeated, and suicide is becoming my only option. I can't imagine living through this hell any longer, but I don't want to die. I just don't know how to stop the pain :/


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## oscine

You need to change your mindset and develop coping skills. You say a lot of recruiters have sought you out, yet you have not made a career change. Is there a reason you choose to remain in the job, when you clearly hate it?


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## asiyaajami

oscine said:


> You need to change your mindset and develop coping skills. You say a lot of recruiters have sought you out, yet you have not made a career change. Is there a reason you choose to remain in the job, when you clearly hate it?


They're all jobs within the same field - analyst, IT, data analytics, etc. I had a few job offers for similar positions, but the companies received really bad reviews. I stayed in my position, because originally I was in grad school. I ended up failing out, but at the time, I wanted to have a stable job on my resume, while completing my degree. I normally leave companies after a year. I don't act upon a lot of the offers for interviews, because I'll be repeating the same cycle. It's not fair for me or the company. When I do apply for jobs outside of my field and I am either qualified or over-qualified, I never hear back. I have the opportunity to go back to school or start a business, and I thankful to be fortunate in that regards. Many people aren't afforded with the same career mobility. But I've changed careers three times. I was in the military - hated it. I worked in politics - _really _hated it. Now IT. Sadly, I went after IT for the money, and I regret doing that. I'd be happier poor with a great career than well-off and making my mental and physical health worse. I want to be sure of what I really want to do in life before wasting more time and money. What that is, I don't know.


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## bottleofblues

Reading your post just reminds me of why i hate work life in general its like slavery. I'm wanting to get a new job my dad pushes for an IT help desk role and it would be better than what i'm doing but i really doubt i'll enjoy it, let alone the fact i don't really have any confidence in myself.
Its so awful that so many human beings have to put up so much **** in the name of 'work' just to survive. Work makes me want to kill myself.


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## SunFlower2011

You are lucky though, you are 26 and have a great job in a good field. I'm in my 6th year of university and still working for 8 dollars an hour!.  my life sucks.
How did you get into the IT department....what did you study in college? I am studying IT.


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## SunFlower2011

Just keep your head up and try not to make negative thoughts. Just try to find what you want in your heart...what makes you happy and try to make it happen...you can do it.... I know you can do great!!! Just stay positive


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