# Troubles in therapy



## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

Hi there,

I've been in therapy for about one year, because I want to solve my issues of solitude. I've got just some questions about my therapist.

Is it ok, of her, to accept hugs by me, and then reject them because "I've grown enough", considering that she's never hugged other clients (even girls)?

Is it possible to exchange knowledges about books or music, whether there are two minutes left? (obviously the whole session is focused only on me).

Why ONLY ONCE (three months ago) did she hypothesize to send me to a male T?. I asked her the reason, and told me that the relationship would be different from ours, even though she knows I've always been improving myself; as she mentioned, it was just an attempt, but would never leave me alone.

My biggest concern: days ago, she accepted to meet me after therapy, when some months will have gone by. Is it right of her to mention her pleasure in meeting each other again, while being in therapy? Certainly, she won't be my therapist any longer, but now it seems like a dual relationship, isn't it?

She is a woman, whereas I'm a guy. Hope to have been clear! Thanks for responding


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

I remember I once had a female therapist (and I'm a guy) who I was seeing for anxiety and loneliness. For our last therapy session she wanted to meet next door for a coffee instead of her office. I remember being a bit mixed up about it, wondering if I've finally found a woman who sees me as something more (even if she was my therapist).

It turns out she just wanted to meet more for the exposure to social situations outside of her office. I remember feeling horribly stupid afterwards that I even had such thoughts. Loneliness can really mess with your mind. I often felt the same way around any girl who paid any sort of attention to me.

I'm not sure if this is how you feel, but I see it as kind of a funny story now. I learned something from it. I do think perfectly okay to be mixed up about how you feel. I felt horribly awkward afterwards, but in the long term it wasn't really bad at all. I'd even call it a good experience.

What do you feel is okay for each of those situations?


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

Hi burningsunrise. Thank you for sharing your little story.
We are absolutely far from our termination. She wants me to walk my way with my own legs; would never let me go outside her office with her as my therapist, and wants to solve my total troubles in her room. She also firmly told me she would be pleased to hang out with me, but only after some time (for the same reason of my indipendence) and NO MORE as my therapist, but as a woman like anyone. Wont desire at all to deal with my mind and psychology, any longer. This I know for sure.
Whats more, at the beginning of my therapy, how about her affirmation of "one way" relationship between client/T, while recently has mentioned therapists who even have sex with former clients?
That's what she clearly said, but maybe I'm fancing too much. I see how your experience could have been funny, when you turn back and look at it. I sense myself something like you, but try not to read too much into that, even if it's uneasy. I imagine how fool you should have felt, have you told her o asked her out?
Overall, I have a hope with her but look around in the same time .
Sincerely, as for each of those situation, I dont perceive any ok. We've discussed about and she explained what's good in them, however I keep up being a bit doubtful. But we are continuing together well the same, fortunately.
Whatcha think?


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

I think it's great that she wants you to walk your own way. Great, but also difficult. I find it hard to face what I feel anxious about (calling people, making large decisions), but I've improved so much by just facing small things one at a time.

I don't think there'd be anything wrong with hanging out with your therapist after everything ended or anything like that. It just depends on how comfortable you or she would be. I think I would feel a bit awkward in such a situation though, but mainly because I feel awkward hanging out with most anybody.

Do you feel uncomfortable with some of what she's suggesting?

For me, I never said anything to my therapist. I mostly just kept quiet. The strange thing is, I wasn't really attracted to her or anything like that. I think I just felt happy that someone had taken the time to listen to my fears that I hadn't really told anyone else. And also confused, because I didn't really know how "normal" people acted. And also lonely, which is the main reason I went to therapy in the first place. I didn't feel I connected with other people all that well.

One feeling I had a lot of trouble with was the feeling that I would never meet anyone who could accept me for who I am. I would feel haunted by the idea of being alone forever. It made me feel like if I didn't pursue anybody I had a crush on, or who I thought liked me back, I would be missing out. This led to many awkward situations.

I've met so many amazing people throughout my life though. It's helped me to realize how many people are out in the world who can accept me for me. I think the same is true for you.


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

I'm sorry for your account, but I'm glad you've been managing your situation mate. 

You surely experienced intense transference towards her. Why had you always pursued the idea of "missing people"? Did you have unpleasant memories? However the idea of being lonely forever, make us usually blind and fakely persuaded that there's no way out. But when we find it, then it all will be far easier than before. I've been finding back, just these days, people who are accepting me for what I am, and that's really really satisfying.

As to me and my lovely therapist, we both feel rather comfortable about the idea of hanging out together, but there's something else; loads of time ago she said there will be only the beautiful and sweet memory of us, because I won't need to meet her anymore. There might be even a chance I hit on her 
I confess her "radical change of mind" makes me think very much.

I sense flattered but freaked out in the same time . Would you feel the same?


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

I think I was stuck in this feeling like I was just different from other people. Not normal. So, meeting anyone who accepted me for who I was, was like a once in a lifetime opportunity or something.

I still don't quite feel that way at times. I especially hate how most of of the time I meet new people I just feel horribly awkward. It was much worse in the past though.

I do think I would feel the same way as you. Happy that someone seemed interested in me, but not really sure how to handle the situation. May I ask what is this radical change of mind you are referring to is?


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

Haven't you solved your deal of discomfort yet, when you relate to the other? That's ok that in the past it was a lot worse, but you and your therapist still haven't deleted it. Wouldn't you have better seek a definitive way out?

As regards me, the radical change of mind I'm referring to, is her true happiness in hanging out with me, whereas loads of time ago she had stated there will be just the nice memory of us and our therapy, because I won't need to see her any longer, since I will have solved my troubles. Get the difference? It sounds like she has developed a sort of crush on me.


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

No, I haven't quite solved my discomfort around other people yet. It would be nice to not feel so awkward around other people. It's probably something I need to work on still. The therapist I spoke of I haven't seen in years though. It was only for a short time too. I seem to have spent a lot of my life in and out of various therapist offices, just trying to deal with my issues.

I can understand how you'd feel that maybe she has a crush on you because she said she would enjoy hanging out with you. Was this something she had mentioned with no prompting from you, or did you ask if you could hang out with her later?

A lot of the other things you mentioned (like talking about books and movies) all seem pretty normal to me. Also, her not accepting hugs from you anymore makes me think that she felt uncomfortable with it and wanted to set up boundaries. Although her mentioning therapists who have sex with former clients kind of confuses me, but I'm not really sure in what context it was said. I would still be careful about not reading too much into it all though. It's very easy to get caught up with looking for signs that aren't really there.


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

Have you tried solving step by step? I mean: at first you'd better go out with a friend you can rely on, for a period. As soon as you feel less awkward, you'll begin attending crowded places or meeting other people, always with him/her or another trustful person for you.

I know, I'm making it too easy for sure, but I cannot recommend anything else; if I get another idea, you'll be told, home .

I asked her to see each other after therapy, she's ok with it. Months ago my therapist had ceased to hug me, in her opinion hugs had helped me to grow... but I had been told she never hugs clients (girls too). Now we've been hugging again for about three sessions, after a period, we both feel good. The fact of therapists having sex with former clients, was mentioned because of my doubt about meeting again.

And yes, I try not to read too much into it. In fact I've befriended other people and sought other girls (my T is much older than me). She may have a crush on me, but it may not be so. When we make too false fantasies, then it will be easy to get burned.


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

I even admit to love female feet and enjoyed her brief dipping-shoe, last session. I could see it clearly because the desk is open and not wide. She neither fancied it could hit on me, nor noticed me. We have never talked about it, since live this passion peacefully and enjoy the "whole" woman, it's just a detail.
It doesn't mean anything, just for chattering .


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

I have tried out things step by step a bit before. As in, I used to be terrified of going to the gym, or giving presentations, but I'm not really anymore. I think my main problem now is that I still feel awkward with anything I'm unfamiliar with, and I feel a bit too much like I constantly need re-assurance that something is okay before I actually make a decision. As in, I can't even help people sometimes without being re-assured that I'm not overstepping my boundaries.

From what I understand about your situation, you are feeling like your therapist has been showing a bit of an interest as more than just a therapist in you. This has especially been noticeable recently because, when you asked her if you could meet her outside of your therapy sessions, she told you she would be okay with it, but only after a lot of time has passed. Also, she has hugged you a few times during your therapy sessions after not hugging you for a while. Is this all correct?


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

Have you ever thought that, maybe, you take your decisions as something too important for what they really are? Assurance is right, but you should also persuade yourself with some words like "ok, I'll make this decision, it may change aspects of my life, but never mind; I'll be living the same and there will be a point of return, if I need to".
Similar facts with unfamiliar people/things. Who cares about them, if they don't mute our being/lives? Of course, if you are in front of an employer during a job dialogue... it's away harder. But I see that this trouble pervades you in almost any situation, doesn't it?

Yes, that's all correct. I won't ask her in therapy whether she likes me, she is supposed to say no. Therapist cannot neither engage in dual relationships (we are in a borderline, in my view), nor tell their feelings; it would be an abuse of power and could make the client get uncomfortable and freaked out. Of course, it seems to me she could be interested a bit, you think the same, but who knows? The only way I have to make her emotionally closer to me, it's a little increase with physical contact, such as touching her hands with no purpose (she's already done it during my speeches, not as a relief) or touching her face. I caressed her hair twice during last hugs, she didn't say anything. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Once I read therapists could even fall in love with a client of theirs, if they can manage the situation without being too involved; it may help in rendering progress quicker. But cannot act upon that in therapy.


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## burningsunrise (May 19, 2014)

That's a good suggestion, that perhaps I do take my decisions too seriously. I know I seem to stress over them so much and worry that I'm making the wrong decision. Or, I worry that it'll just be weird. It's held me back a lot in life and I sometimes feel like I'm just getting older and still avoiding things.

Not knowing whether or not someone has a crush on you can be hard too deal with. Too much uncertainty. I can understand feeling a bit uncomfortable with it and not really sure what to think.

Because you mentioned that she is supposed to say no, may I ask how you imagine she would have acted if she just thought of you as a client who she wanted to help out, nothing more? Would you have preferred it this way?


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## Yarem (Jul 28, 2014)

People often act weird and don't realize it. Sometimes they get even successful in more cases, such as job, social relationships (friends, bf/gf...), increased self-esteem and so on. How old are you? Just as pure curiosity; btw, there will be always time left for finding a remedial. Let me know if you practise my tips.

I remember that once she told me to have a particular relationship with me (if we think about the fact she had told me to reject others' hugs, it's quite clear. Now we've been hugging again, after a period).

In my opinion, but I may be wrong, if she sensed me as a common client, she would have no physical contact with me, except for kisses on cheek as a greeting or a pat on the back. Let's remind she's fine to hang out with me and I don't believe she would go out with any client (just with a woman years ago, didn't go well)!! It would be too odd and strange. I fancy even this is a hint she sees me differently.

Honestly I'd rather be treated as a normal patient. Her manners make me feel good but a bit muddled too. I nearly curse to have caressed her hair, her waist and held her hands. We sometimes try touching other's hand when we talk or when I show something on my mobile, where she always puts her hands upon mine. I'm fine but freaked out in the same time.


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