# Buddhism



## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*You must be present to win*

This phrase is often related to contests, but it also applies to life in general. Dwelling on the past can make us miserable and being preoccupied with the future can cause us to miss out on opportunities for happiness in our daily lives. Buddhists believe that living in the present is the way to "enlightenment."

At the heart of Buddhism are some very simple concepts and I'm going to start there. I'm by no means an expert and some of this is just my interpretation. There a several schools of Buddhism and they're the result of personal interpretations of Prince Siddhartha Gautama's teachings -- the founder of Buddhism some 2500 years ago.

The Four Noble Truths
1. The truth about suffering
2. The truth about the cause of suffering
3. The truth about the cessation of suffering
4. The truth about the way to enlightenment (or nirvana)

Suffering. In life, there is suffering. That is a fact of life or a "truth" in life. We begin life with suffering. Most people begin life as a crying baby. We leave our mother's womb and the first emotion we experience is suffering, and we spend the next few months crying. What is so horrible about being a baby that causes us to cry?

Throughout our lives, we experience suffering. We don't get the attention we want or need from our parents. Maybe we're picked on by other kids when we're young. Or we're asked a question by a teacher which we are unable to answer and we feel humiliation.

Then, as we get older, there is heartbreak and disappointment. That's not to say that all suffering is bad. Some suffering can build character and strength. It's like the body. When your body is exposed to minor viruses and infections, it builds up your immune system and you're better able to ward off serious illnesses. It's the same with life. When we experience minor suffering on a regular basis, it makes us less prone to be devastated by a major event.

There are forms of suffering that are good, such as missing a loved one. It reminds us of how much we love that person and when we see that person again, we are that much happier.

That's all for now. Feel free to add your thoughts.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Thanks for posting this synopsis! Unfortunately, I'm short on time at the moment, but I've definitely got this one bookmarked!


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Hi Stan


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

In life, there is suffering (cont...)

There is a lot of needless suffering in the world. Because of our actions in the Middle East, many Iraqis are suffering. US imposed embargoes tend to hurt the general population of the targeted countries where we our intentions were to punish the leaders.

In life, we suffer when we don't get the promotion at work we think we deserve. Or when we are turned down for a date. Or when we can't afford the house or car we want. Or when someone insults us. 

As we get older, we look in the mirror and see wrinkles and gray hair. We have to diet just to stay at the same weight. Our hairlines recede and we go bald. We don't have the energy we used to have.

Most people on this board suffer from SAD. We suffer when we have to be around people. We suffer even when we're alone because we ruminate about the way we act when we are around people. We suffer when we have to speak in front of a group of people. We suffer when we want to ask someone out on a date. Life is full of suffering when you suffer from social anxiety.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Very true, Abe  . Do you recommend a book about Buddhism? I'm very interested in learning about it and other Eastern faiths.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

I'd recommend starting off with The Everything Buddhism Book or the Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Buddhism, and then maybe some Thich Nhat Hanh books.

Or just read my articles :lol


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

The Second Noble Truth: The cause of suffering is craving.

We spend our lives craving. If we could only get the perfect job, the perfect companion, the perfect house, the perfect car... If we only get the things we crave, then we'll be happy. The problem is, there's always something else.

There's a story about a man who was looking for the perfect woman. He met a woman who was beautiful but didn't satisfy his intellectual needs. Then he met a woman who was smart and funny, but physically wasn't his type. Then he met a woman who was beautiful, smart, but for some reason, they just didn't connect. Finally he thought he found the perfect woman. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and he enjoyed her company immensely.
A friend asked him, "So why didn't you marry her?"
He responded, "Because she was looking for the perfect man."


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## barnabas (Apr 24, 2007)

...


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Craving is related to attachment. With all the attention society places on appearance, we become overly attached to our bodies. Not that we shouldn't take care of them. Our bodies are a vehicle to get us around. Just like an automobile, we need to treat them right and with proper maintenence and care, they can last us a long time. But as we get older, our bodies start to deteriorate. we feel bad about ourselves because we are losing our youth. We feel unattractive when the wrinkles start to show and our hair turns gray. 

People go through extremes to keep looking young: face lifts, Botox injections, hair implants. It seems like everyone is dying their hair these days. I saw Bob Dole on a news program the other day and even he is dying his hair! My wife and I watched the latest Rocky movie staring the 60 year old Sylvester Stalone and his dyed black hair. He looked ridiculus. 

What is wrong with gray hair? It's a fact of life that people go gray when they get older, but we have such a strong attachment to our bodies that we just can't accept it. Look at what we do when people die: we dress them up like they're going to a party! It's a dead body! But we can't accept this simple fact of life. People are born, they live, and then they die.

Aside from the changes in our bodies as we age, some people are unable to accept something about their bodies -- even when they are young. When it becomes a problem in that person's life, it is known as body dysmorphic disorder. We see these anorexic young women who think they're fat when in reality, they're rail thin. I once dated a woman who kept having surgery to "improve" her appearance. First she had a nose job and then she had breast implants. Who knows what surgery she's had since we went out. People become so attached to their body that they can't accept any imperfections. It's our imperfections that make us interesting but still we crave perfection, which in itself is an imperfection.

Social anxiety is often triggered by craving. We want to be accepted in groups. We want people to think highly of us. We want close relationships. It's not that we shouldn't have these things, but our excessive or intense craving for these things often results in anxiety and sometimes depression.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

The Third Noble Truth: Suffering Can End!
Since the cause of suffering is craving, all you have to do is stop craving. Of course, that's a little simplistic. There's nothing wrong with wanting a good career, close relationships, and a nice place to live. But there are things we crave that we can't have and the only way to end the suffering that results is acceptance.

There is a lot of overlap into the field of psychology with the concept of acceptance. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as its name implies, focuses primarily on acceptance of ourselves. In The Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden, one of the "six pillars" is acceptance. In fact, most popular therapies promote the concept of self-acceptance.

Jack Kornfield, one of the primary founders of the Insight Meditation movement in American, said, "Forgiveness is about giving up all hope for a better past." Acceptance is about forgiving yourself for the things you have done or wish you had done, and it's also about forgiving others for the things they have done to you.

The cessation of craving is also about things we want to have in our lives. There's nothing wrong with having goals but the craving disrupts our lives. We crave close relationships but just sitting around craving doesn't get you into a relationship. In fact, it makes you miserable, which makes you less likely to find those close relationships.

We can be happy by living in the present, even without the things that are lacking in our lives. To live in the present, we must accept ourselves and accept our past. We must forgive ourselves and those who have hurt us.

Living in the present is living without craving. Even something like an itch can make us miserable when we crave that it will stop. Living in the present, also called mindfulness, is accepting the itch and simply observing it. After a few moments, often the itch will actually go away without any scratching. 

We crave respect and when we don't get it, we ruminate and obsess over disrespectful things people have said to us or the way people have treated us. Living in the present frees us from those maladaptive thoughts. In Buddhism, there is a way to live that fosters self-respect, respect from others, and calm in our lives. It is the path to Nirvana, which is the Forth Noble Truth.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Thanks Maslow, I'm a Buddhist, if not a really strong practitioner. I like it because it understands suffering more than my previous Catholic faith. Thanks again. 

Gerard


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Gerard said:


> Thanks Maslow, I'm a Buddhist, if not a really strong practitioner. I like it because it understands suffering more than my previous Catholic faith. Thanks again.


Sure, Gerard. It's the way to get over suffering. Next best thing to alcohol! :lol


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

The Forth Noble Truth: The way to live to eliminate suffering (or at least reduce it)

The Forth Noble Truth consists of eight disciplines called the Eightfold Path.

1. Right understanding
2. Right thought
3. Right speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood
6. Right effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right concentration

These can be broken into three categories:
1. Wisdom (1, 2)
2. Morality (3, 4, 5)
3. Mental Discipline (6, 7, 8)


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Okay, now we get into the actual practice of Buddhism. The practice isn't easy and takes a lot of effort, but it's worth it for a better life and WILL reduce anxiety. The practice is called the "path" because it is not a destination -- it is the way to live your life.

Right Understanding

My wife and I had a bit of an issue with keeping the windows open in our bedroom at night during the summer. My wife wanted them open and I wanted to just run the air conditioner because as soon as the sun started coming up at about 5:00 in the morning, the birds would start making all sorts of racket and would wake me up. The noise just annoyed the hell out of me and I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep until I closed the windows.

After learning about mindfulness, I began to simply listen to the birds, and their chirping went from being excruciatingly annoying to having soothing effect. They would still wake me up sometimes, but now a calmness would come over me as I lay there mindfully listening to their sounds, and after a few moments, I'd be sound asleep again.

When the Buddha talked about right understanding, he was talking about practicing mindfulness. When listening to the birds, there's no need to analyze the sounds -- you simply hear them. You know that what you're hearing is the sounds of birds and there may be times when we visualize the birds, but that's as far as it needs to go. We don't judge the sounds. We simply listen.

Right understanding is to see things as they are, without any personal bias. It's simply observing. Sometimes I try to sense the way our dog Molly senses. She lays motionless for long periods of time, simple observing (and waiting for squirrels to come into the yard). I'll sit on the lawn chair and listen to the sounds. I can hear the sounds of leaves rustling, birds chirping, and the occasional car horn from the busy street about a 1/2 mile away. The green leaves stand out in sharp contrast to the blue sky. Down the street, a car approaches.

It's funny. We tend to observe these types of things in movies, but in real life, we don't pay any attention to them. Our world is a fascinating place and simply being aware can help us relax.


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## smiles (Nov 13, 2006)

Suffering is an unnecessary component of the human experience. Attachment to results causes suffering. 

I think the Buddhists found it far easier to renounce attachments instead of creating ways to think in the direction of what is wanted. 

-edited


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

smiles- I believe what you're saying is attachment to goals causes suffering, which is true, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have goals; we just need to eliminate the attachment part. After all, the cessation of our suffering is a goal, but if it turns into a craving, the result will be more suffering. The answer is finding the right path to achieve your goal and focus on the journey -- not the destination.

You wrote that every thought is a prayer. If you believe that, you live at the mercy of chance, hoping that things will work out. Living that way will most certainly cause suffering because most prayers will not be answered. If thoughts are prayers, you're living in the future. The answer is to live in the present.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

So right understanding is "living in the moment" and seeing things as they really are. Next is right thought.

*Right Thought*

This one can be a little tough in the competitive world in which we live. Right thought involves intentions. It's to act in a way that embraces a spirit of kindness, compassion, and harmlessness -- not only to our fellow human beings, but to everything: plants, animals, the environment... It's to get away from the ego and live a life where your actions are entirely selfless.

This brings up the argument that even when we do something nice for someone else, it may still be a selfish act because we did it to make ourselves feel good. We've all known people who do bad things all the time: gossip, backstabbing, insults, and then they try to redeem themselves with an occasional charitable act.

To be continued...


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

... continued

An occasional charitable act does not constitute a way of life or define ones character. The idea is to live a life of compassion or as Jack Kornfield puts it, "a path with heart." Right thought is also called right intention. What are the intentions of your actions? Do you set out to do harm or do you try to make the world a better place?

Those of us who suffer from SAD sometimes have intentions that aren't consistent with the outcome of our actions. Sometimes things we say just don't come out right when we're nervous. We may inadvertently offend people when we are trying to be sociable or friendly. Part of it may be the lack the skills necessary for socializing, and our nervousness itself may be offensive to some people. 

Why are we so nervous? We crave companionship and acceptance, and fear rejection, which often results in anxiety. The thing is -- as we follow the path to eliminate these cravings, we are more likely acquire those things we crave.

People low in self-esteem sometimes compensate by being overly aggressive or by trying to hurt other people. They may think that hurting people will make them feel better about themselves. You see this kind of thing on many of the message boards in the form of bullying. It's easy to be a bully on the Internet. The wimpiest person in the world can be a bully when there are no real repercussions. Or perhaps they're insecure in their opinions but crave attention. Throwing around insults is a sure way to get some attention.

When you put your opinion or emotions out for everyone to see, you leave yourself vulnerable. It reveals something personal about you. When someone disagrees with your opinion, you may take that it as a personal insult. People with low self-esteem may feel safer to insult the other person than to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Many Buddhists don't understand the concept of self-esteem because they believe there is no self. You can't have self-esteem without a self. We'll explore that concept later.

Intentions are important in all forms of communication. Psychologists often talk about assertiveness vs. aggressiveness. With aggressiveness, your intention is to intimidate or hurt the other person in order to get what you want. With assertiveness, your intention is to get what you want, but in a way that will be positive for all those involved.

To summarize, practicing right thought is to move away from the ego and live a life where service is your lifestyle and your motivations are selfless.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Right Speech*

Right speech is a little easier to understand than right understanding and right thought. Right speech involves personal integrity. Most of these are pretty obvious. You shouldn't lie, slander, curse or use abusive language, raise your voice unnecessarily, gossip, insult, spread hatred or fear, or hog the conversation. You also shouldn't exaggerate or boast.

It's not always that black-and-white, though. There are times when a little white lie is good in order to avoid hurting a person's feelings, or just to make a person feel good. You have to be careful, though. For example, if you consistently praise the work of someone, even when it's undeserved, your praise will become meaningless.

Then there are times when people should just keep our mouths shut. Like the old saying goes, "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything." We've all known people who are "brutally honest" and feel the need to voice their opinions, even if you don't want to hear it and don't really care what that person thinks. The funny thing is, people like that often believe that being brutally honest is an admirable trait. It's not. Those people are often obnoxious and just plain noxious. We should do what we can to stay away from people like that.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Right Action*

This is another "thou shall not." The obvious ones are: steal, commit injury or any kind of harm to another, destroy someone else's property, commit adultery or covet you neighbor's wife -- or at least don't act on your coveting. To strictly follow the teachings of the Buddha, you're not supposed to drink alcohol or do recreational drugs. Of course, that rule was made before the invention of beer and football, so there may be a little flexibility in its adherence.

Then there are some right actions that aren't so obvious. You shouldn't overindulge, which means you shouldn't get drunk during the Broncos games or cause (serious) injury to Chargers fans when they attend Broncos games. You shouldn't overeat. You shouldn't disturb someone's peace or interrupt them with chores when they're watching football. Also, you shouldn't make a lot of noise that may disturb people when they're sleeping or trying to relax. My neighbor likes to mow his lawn early in the morning. That's not "right action."

We should also be kind to animals and nature in general. That means we should protect the environment and only eat animals that were raised and killed in a humane way.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Right Livelihood*

Right livelihood involves what we do for a living and what we do to help others. Sometimes we have to take whatever job is available in order to pay the bills and put food on the table, no matter what the job involves. But when we have the choice, we should find work that benefits society and the world. Some examples might be: developing alternative fuels that reduce pollution, working for a charitable organization, teaching children, farming in a way that provides healthy foods to people. When possible, we should work for companies that promote peace and kindness in the world.

Some careers to avoid: drug cartel, Mafia hit-man, bank robber, international terrorist. Okay, those are pretty obvious. Some not so obvious: we should avoid working for companies that pollute the environment, engage in unethical behavior such as bribing politicians, or companies that provide or manufacture military equipment.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Buddhism rocks, I can see how it definitely helps with SA. I need to become a Buddhist!


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## smiles (Nov 13, 2006)

Maslow, I am looking for advice on how to go past identifying with my particular body and to see myself more as everyone and everything... So there is no fear. Any advice on How to get the process started? I realize its a journey and there is probably no destination. thanks man!


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Hi PS and smiles

smiles, the process begins with self-acceptance and the practice of mindfulness. The practice of mindfulness is the heart of Buddhism and we'll get into that in the next few days. It's part of the Eightfold Path.

There is also the concept of non-self or no-self in Buddhism. I'm still trying to figure that one out. One explanation I've read is we are all part of the same self. Another explanation is that we are like a river -- always changing, therefore there can be no self. There is another explanation I started reading about last night that deals with the practice of mindfulness. 

I'll write about it as soon as I figure it out. :lol


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

The next three disciplines are mental disciplines.

*Right Effort*

In order to be successful at anything, the "right effort" is required. This applies to all aspects of life -- not just Buddhism. If you want get over our social anxiety, you need to work at it, and it takes a lot of work. If you want to develop an online business, you can't just develop a Website and hope people will visit -- you have to do the additional work to get people interested in it.

In Buddhism practice, right effort means getting rid of improper thoughts and attitudes. This is similar to what is taught in CBT in stopping your maladaptive thoughts only in Buddhism, you don't counter the thoughts -- you simply eliminate your judgment about the situation. In the beginning, it may help to counter the negative thoughts as is taught in CBT to help you get to the point where you're no longer judging the situation. Therapy techniques work well along with Buddhist practices but while therapy should be short term, Buddhism should become a way of life.

Maladaptive thoughts are not the only thoughts we want to eliminate. We want to eliminate all unnecessary thoughts. We want to eliminate the ruminations, judgments, daydreams, longings, and cravings. We want to live in the present. Accomplishing that requires the right effort.


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## smiles (Nov 13, 2006)

I heard this podcast yesterday on overcoming fear. After about 10 minutes... it talks about the buddhist philosophy and how it can help in transcending fear. Check it out.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/audio/

podcast number 8


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

smiles said:


> I heard this podcast yesterday on overcoming fear. After about 10 minutes... it talks about the buddhist philosophy and how it can help in transcending fear. Check it out.
> 
> http://www.stevepavlina.com/audio/
> 
> podcast number 8


I listened to that and the things he says are similar to what they teach in CBT. It's always these guys who are great public speakers who tell you to just question your beliefs and not be afraid. If I was a great speaker, I wouldn't have any fear of public speaking either! :lol The thing is, I'm not, so there's a good chance when I get up in front of a group, I'm not going to do well. I'll have to look into that true nature of reality concept, though. It sounds like it's related to the concept of no self, where everything is part of the same self.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

The true nature of reality reveals itself in the practice of mindfulness and meditation.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Right Mindfulness*

The practice of mindfulness has helped me with my anxiety more than any kind of therapy or medication. It takes a lot of effort (the right effort) and it takes a long time. I've been practicing mindfulness for a couple years now and I still have to remind myself to be mindful sometimes, but it helps me a great deal when I'm out in public, when I'm trying to concentrate, and when I lay down to go to sleep to keep my mind from racing.

Mindfulness is about living in the moment. When you're eating, think about the food you're eating -- it's texture, smell, flavor. Follow it going down your throat and into your stomach. Not only will you relax -- you may actually lose weight! You'll feel full sooner.

Anything can become enjoyable when done in a mindful state. Even doing the dishes can go from being a chore to being a meditation practice (or so I keep telling my wife). I've been practicing mindfulness when doing things like trimming the bushes and mowing the lawn. It's especially enjoyable when doing things like walking the dog and being out in nature.

The key to mindfulness is not to judge. It's to simply observe and be in the moment. Observe the details of the objects around you. Observe the sounds. Sense your body. If you are feeling nervous, simply observe the nervousness. Feel your heartbeat. Follow your breath as it goes in through your nose, down into your lungs, and back out again. If you have trouble concentrating on a book or movie, follow your breath while engaged in those activities or when you get distracted.

The practice of mindfulness is part of many modern therapies. In the ACT therapy book: Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Steven C. Hayes write extensively about the practice of mindfulness. He also writes about acceptance, which is what the "A" stands for in ACT. ACT therapy is essentially just the practice of Buddhism with a few additional techniques thrown in.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Right Concentration*

For those of you keeping score, this is the eighth practice in the eightfold path. Not that they're in any specific order for they all need to be practiced with equal importance.

Right concentration is part of the practice of mindfulness. It is to focus all your attention on awareness and not be distracted by needless thoughts. This is a tough one for people who suffer from monkey-mind syndrome. Many people with anxiety problems have difficulty concentrating and may experience a racing mind when trying to sleep. Then there are the incessant ruminations and maladaptive thoughts that accompany and often cause the anxiety. Those superfluous and destructive thoughts can be reduced and sometimes eliminated by the practice of right concentration.

One technique used for right concentration is being aware of your breath. As I mentioned in the discussion of mindfulness, one simply watches the breath. When a thought arises, simply observe the thought but don't judge it. Then return to your awareness of your breath.

The technique of observing your breath is called one-pointed meditation. One could also observe a sound or activity. Have you ever watched someone work when they don't know you're watching? It can really be mesmerizing just to observe them. That would be a type of single point meditation. When you are mesmerized (or hypnotized), that is the state of mind we are looking for. It is the same state of mind we enter when becoming lost in a book or movie, but in Buddhism, with practice, we can enter that state at any time by simply observing our breath.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

That is it, I'm becoming Buddhist, I love their philosophical babble, I'm serious it appears very healthy.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Prodigal Son said:


> That is it, I'm becoming Buddhist, I love their philosophical babble, I'm serious it appears very healthy.


That's just my babble. :lol I like to describe concepts from the perspective of an SAD sufferer.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I actually didn't read much of your posts because they were too long. 

Attention span problem, don't ask, I'm just talking about what I have grazed over from their concepts and philosophy in the past. Buddhism is kick ***.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Prodigal Son said:


> Attention span problem, don't ask, I'm just talking about what I have grazed over from their concepts and philosophy in the past. Buddhism is kick ***.


Ah yes, young grasshoppah. Buddhism can help settle your monkey-mind with "right concentration." When you are reading and you find your mind wandering, focus on your breath while you are reading. You will find that your concentration will improve.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Okay, here's some more babble. 

Today's topic is karma. Karma in Buddhism simply means: the things you do and say will have an effect.

We determine and are responsible for our own future. We are responsible for dealing with our anxieties and problems in life. There is no: "if you believe in such and such or pray, you'll be rewarded." Instead, taking control of your life and following "the way" (the eightfold path) will result in more contentment and less suffering in life.

Karma is a moral compass and intent is of primary importance in our actions. If you lead your life with the intent of doing good in the world, the effect will be a better world. Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing but someone gets hurt. It was our intention to do good, but it just didn't work out that way. As long as we know that our actions were wrong and we regret it, the resulting bad karma is reduced.

Suppose you're feeling kind of bad about yourself because someone insulted you. You're walking down the street and someone gives you a big smile. All of a sudden, you feel a lot better. That person's actions had an effect on you. That's an example of good karma.

To some, karma also involves the concept of rebirth. Some people misinterpret this as reincarnation. Rebirth is not the soul coming back in a new body; it is the body coming back in the form of another body.

We are all reborn, whether we like it or not. The human body is 61.8 percent water -- water that had previously been in oceans, rivers, plants, animals, other people, air... The food we eat becomes part of us. That turkey sandwich we had for lunch is absorbed by our body and becomes part of us. The apple we ate came from a tree which absorbed nutrients from the ground, which gets nutrients from worms, which may have fed off a decaying body.

In Buddhism, it is believed that our intentions during our lifetime can influence our rebirth. If we have good intent throughout our lives, we will come back as another human or perhaps even a god. If we live a life of bad intent, we will come back as an animal. If we live a life of greed, we will come back as a hungry ghost. A hungry ghost is a creature with a large stomach and a long skinny neck. His hunger can never be satiated because his neck is too skinny to ingest enough food. Here is a drawing of a hungry ghost:










Looks like he has bad breath, also. How'd you like to be reborn as someone who looks like that? Talk about becoming self-conscious about your appearance! So don't live a life of greed.

We've only just touched on the subjects of karma and rebirth. We'll get into more detail later on.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

*Most judgment-both of self and other-arises as a result of un-inspected, deeply conditioned beliefs*

This is the basic fear for those who suffer with SA...and this is the basic conditioning in every human being. There is no avoiding judgement when you are around others. Remember two things if you're judged harshly:

1. They do not know the intrinsic you.
2. Judgements are preconceived and have nothing to do with even the extrinsic you.



> EXAMPLE: Wife drags her husband to a company party. He doesn't want to go, because he knows his wife's coworkers are a bunch of lazy pencil pushing geeks and he has nothing in common with them, him being in construction. (judgement based on his own prejudices/experiences) He's also tired from a long day of work and sunburned, just not in the mood. (grouchy, irritated, in pain to begin with).
> 
> Innocent party goer approaches wife's already irritated husband for some small talk:
> 
> ...


He wasn't insulting the guy, he was voicing his own prejudices. This is why judgement can never be taken personally. People see what they want to see...and you show them what you're willing to show. This leaves too much room for error. Once you meditate on this, judgement will roll off you.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Hi Embers,

No, he wasn't insulting the guy, but he was showing his own insecurities. But I get the gist of what you're saying. It's related to the Buddhist concept of not-self, which I hope to get into in the next few days.

By the way... you look MAHr-velous.  Or is that a picture of Angelina Jolie?


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

Hi Maslow,

Just thought i'd share that since someone mentioned on another post how they avoid folks because of potential judgement. Since people judge like its their job to do so, its probably better to learn how to live with it, and good way is by realizing its not you. Ever. Period.

That said, Angelina Jolie thanks you for the compliment. :b


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

*Still the mind* - Alan Watts Student of Buddhism



> A person who thinks all the time, has nothing to think about except thoughts. So...he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusions.
> 
> By thoughts, I mean specifically perpetual and compulsive repetition of words of reckoning and calculating. I'm not saying that thinking is _bad_...like everything else, it is useful in moderation. A good servant, but a bad master, and all so-called "civilized" peoples have increasingly become crazy and self destructive because through excessive _thinking_, they have lost touch with reality.
> 
> That's to say we confuse signs, words, numbers, symbols, and ideas with the real world. Most of us would have rather money than tangible wealth and a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless it is photographed...and to read about it the next day in the newspaper is oddly more fun for us than the original event. This is a disaster, for as a result of confusing the real world of nature with mere signs, such as bank balances and contracts, we are _destroying _nature. We are so tied up in our _minds_ that we have lost our _senses_


Reality is in the five senses; sight, touch, smell, taste, sound...being in the moment.

To take a break from our minds, which is the root of our anxiety, practice being in the moment by meditating on the five senses.

Choose any meditation that incorporates all five of the senses and see it in the minds eye...

Imagine you have a lemon. How yellow is it? How ripe? Are the dimples deep or is it more smooth? Whats the temperature? Has it been in the fridge or has it been on the counter? How round is it, is it more oval? Now imagine cutting into that lemon. What sound does the knife make when it slices through? Can you hear the juice squirt out? Can you see it? Where does it go? Can you feel it? What color is it? Now pick up one half of the sliced lemon and put it to your nose, what does it smell like? Squeeze a little into the palm of your hand and taste the juice...is your mouth watering yet?

Use the mind to enjoy nature and give it a break from obessive thoughts. Then when you're in situations that cause you distress, your trained mind will obey you, enabling you to focus, think clearly under pressure and most importantly _relax_


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Hi Embers,

I like that Allan Watts quote. He's right about thoughts. Many of our thoughts are superfluous. We often think out of habit rather than out of necessity and we fail to notice the things in life that are really important and interesting. We waste time anticipating a bad outcome of a situation and our thoughts lead to anxiety. It's a self-fulling prophecy. We worry about appearing foolish and we enter the situation with trepidation, which makes it difficult to think clearly when thinking is required.

Our thoughts often get in the way of simply observing. When we clear our mind of unnecessary thoughts, we see things more clearly. That opens up our world to many unexpected surprises. Clarity replaces muddy thinking. Communicating with others becomes more natural.

I take our dog Molly out for a walk every evening. A few weeks ago, I was practicing mindfulness on our walk -- just observing her as she sniffed the grass and trees. I'd never gave it any thought before, but when she's walking slowly, all four of her legs move independently without any synchronization. As she walks faster, her side legs move in parallel, but opposite the other side legs. When she runs, her front legs work together as do her back legs, but the front and back move opposite each other.

It wasn't as though what I observed while watching Molly was a scientific breakthrough. It was just that I learned something just for the sake of understanding. As we clear our non-requisite thoughts, we actually become more productive in our thinking.

I agree that we should put into use all of our senses and meditate on those senses. When we're meditating, we can focus on our breath, listen to the sounds around us, become aware of the smells... I think the goal is to become so aware, that our state of consciousness is similar to being engrossed in a movie or book. That state has eluded me except for a few fleeting moments while meditating, but I've only been practicing formal meditation for a few weeks and it takes time.

Well... I think I've rambled for long enough. I liked that lemon visualization. Do you mind if I put it in the SAS magazine?


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

*Re: re: Buddhism*



> Our thoughts often get in the way of simply observing. When we clear our mind of unnecessary thoughts, we see things more clearly. That opens up our world to many unexpected surprises. Clarity replaces muddy thinking. Communicating with others becomes more natural.


Exactly. Observing whats in the moment also gets rid of anticipatory anxiety and aftermath anxiety. We should rely on our senses to take care of anything that comes our way in the moment because we are _equipped_ to handle things, the mind is what handicaps us. Also, we can't go back in time to fix anything, so why ruminate?

I don't know if you've heard Allan Watts speak, but he has an incredible way to get your attention. I've been meditating for over a year now and this was the best so far, I hope to post more from this particular tape and also find other talks he has done.

Yes you can use this for the SAS magazine. I actually got that lemon example from one of my teachers last year and was so impressed by the way she described it to the class. She had us all close our eyes and this took about 10 minutes, and it was so in depth, all of our mouths watered at the end. She wanted to show us proof how our mind has a physiologic effect on our bodies. So our minds most certainly can determine our health.

Thanks for reading and commenting!


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Maslow, thank you for this thread. I need more time to review your posts.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Re: re: Buddhism*



embers said:


> Yes you can use this for the SAS magazine. I actually got that lemon example from one of my teachers last year and was so impressed by the way she described it to the class.


What class was that for? I've found that when I'm really anxious, focusing on the breath doesn't work all that well for relaxing and visualizations seem to work a little better. I actually used your lemon visualization the other night to help me fall asleep. Thanks for submitting that.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

*Re: re: Buddhism*



tomcoldaba said:


> Maslow, thank you for this thread.


Sure Tom. Writing about things helps me understand them.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

*Re: re: Buddhism*



Maslow said:


> embers said:
> 
> 
> > Yes you can use this for the SAS magazine. I actually got that lemon example from one of my teachers last year and was so impressed by the way she described it to the class.
> ...


I went to a holistic aesthetics school. Dropped due to SA and...other reasons. I'm completing my hours soon, over half way there.

Glad the visualization came in handy.


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## Redefine (Jan 11, 2005)

What do guys think about the ego? In Buddhism it is the root of all suffering and the removal of the ego is necessary for enlightenment and finding ones true self. Buddhist believe that the ego is merely a reflection of what society thinks of you. It is this connection with society that causes the suffering, for we ever desire to be a part of it. In Taoism, the ego is embraced as a part of ones self and necessary for finding peace in the universe. Taoists believe that instead of us all being different we are really all the same. They believe we all came from the same source and we will all end at the same source.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

Redefine said:


> What do guys think about the ego? In Buddhism it is the root of all suffering and the removal of the ego is necessary for enlightenment and finding ones true self. Buddhist believe that the ego is merely a reflection of what society thinks of you. It is this connection with society that causes the suffering, for we ever desire to be a part of it. In Taoism, the ego is embraced as a part of ones self and necessary for finding peace in the universe. Taoists believe that instead of us all being different we are really all the same. They believe we all came from the same source and we will all end at the same source.


When I first started studying Buddhism, I was ready to start on that path of becoming fully enlightened as soon as possible, read everything I could, meditate, and was ready to take on the eight folds, eventually give up all posessions and try and find a Sangha somewhere and wear robes. Not realistic for me in this modern age.

I've decided to use the Buddhist philosophy to "lessen" my suffering in this lifetime, not necessarily obtain enlightenment in this life time or get rid of all suffering, as its such a long process and it can't be rushed. Over time, the hard walls just start falling away and the real you starts rise to the surface.

When I first read the Buddhist recognition and explanation of having no self, I didn't buy it, nor did I understand it, BUT, with practicing this gentle philosophy for over a year now, I see what they mean.

I think in every religion, the basic premise is to be "selfless" and giving without expecting in return. Nonprejudice, accept everyone as your brother, and just really nurture the empathatic side of ourselves, so we can relate to everyone, understand everything, and eventually with the more knowledge we have, the less we will get hurt. You've expanded your mind so much, you can see the inner workings of other's intentions, understand it better, process it and let it go. You can have empathy for those who hurt you, gossip, or are downright evil, because you know if they knew better, they wouldn't do it.

With expanding our minds with this philosophy, we do know better, and it becomes harder and harder to "get the best of us," therefore lessening what would be the self and ego. I don't get nearly as offended as I used to by people, because i'm aware of why they do the things they do, having developed this deeper sense of inner understanding. I hope i'm not sounding too Dalai-lama-ish, but this philosophy has really changed my life and helped with my SA and relating to people. Its something you have to practice for a long time before you see results.

I've never studied Taosim, but heard its similar in some ways as Buddhism. Maybe Maslow or others have some thoughts, these were just my personal opinions. I do need to read up more on the self/ego/and reincarnation to get more of a grasp on it.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

I just thought of my own example of how my ego has been chipped away in less than a year alone.

My main teacher at this previous school was a Buddhist, and she is the reason I decided to study it more seriously, when before I had just been kind of grazing over it and toying with it. She just had this presence about her, commanding, yet gentle and nothing phased her.

About a year ago, one of the gals in my class had a problem with me, so I called up the teacher crying. The gal with the problem would not talk to me, but just talked behind my back, or belittled or gossiped about me, and I finally broke down. I asked my teacher, 'why doesn't she just talk to me?' and she simply said 'maybe she doesn't know how.' and I remember in my mind, that angered me. 'She _should_ know how, because _ I know how_ and I would talk to her!' That was my ego.

I also remember the scene in The Passions of the Christ when they were beating the daylights out of him, he still said 'forgive them for they do not know' or something. I think it translates across all religions. How can you feel any anger towards someone who just doesn't know? I'm loosening my attachments and I get the meaning of what she said now.

So anyways, i'll stop hogging Maslows thread.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

embers said:


> So anyways, i'll stop hogging Maslows thread.


Nonsense! This is a discussion thread. Sharing your ideas helps others understand.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

On the subject of self, from what I understand, the Buddha never said there is no self. Instead he talked about not-self. 

If you were asked, "how would you define your self?" how would you answer?

Is your body your self? Your body constantly changing so that's not self.
Is your personality your self? Your personality changes, sometimes from day to day, so that can't be self.
Is your career your self? Careers change and sometimes are completely opposite from who we think we are.
Are your opinions your self? Opinions change, so that's not self.
There's really no way to define self so there's no reason to have attachment to the self. Once you abandon that attachment, you'll experience less suffering.

I'm going to elaborate on this concept when I get some time but that's the general idea.


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## Redefine (Jan 11, 2005)

Thanks guys. I've really just learned about Buddhism and a little Taoism, but I can already see ego in others. I can see somewhat why it is that they do. Because of this I'm much more understanding and forgiving already like you. My life has been much calmer lately thanks to it. I've also tried meditation to some success. It really clears your mind.


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## free thinker (Nov 11, 2003)

Maslow said:


> On the subject of self, from what I understand, the Buddha never said there is no self. Instead he talked about not-self.
> 
> If you were asked, "how would you define your self?" how would you answer?
> 
> ...


I find discussing the concept of "self" to be most fascinating. When I look back on my life I can see just how much I have changed over the years. The person I was at 25 or 30, is nowhere near who I am today. I believe the changes I have witnessed are due to my life experiences, education and deep contemplation. It appears that the more experiences we have, the greater likelihood of change. But from what I have learned recently from reading this thread in addition to other Buddhist literature, the "self" I have been referring to is not the true self.

In the past, when I have discussed the concept of one's self/identity/spirit continuing on after death, I have heard people suggest that it is our "core" characteristics and qualities which make up the self. However, since I have personally witnessed how even these "core" characteristics can change over time, I don't really buy into this thinking.

Another thing that really makes me ponder about the self and its identity and whether it could continue on after death, is the fact that we are just hominid animals. Not only do I question if our ancient **** sapiens relatives of 150,000 years ago had a self that continued on after death but I also question the likelihood that other hominid species such as neanderthals, **** habilis and **** erectus had this ability. If these species didn't why should modern humans? If we accept the concept that humans are reincarnated after death shouldn't we also believe that the aforementioned species did also?


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

free thinker said:


> Another thing that really makes me ponder about the self and its identity and whether it could continue on after death, is the fact that we are just hominid animals. Not only do I question if our ancient **** sapiens relatives of 150,000 years ago had a self that continued on after death but I also question the likelihood that other hominid species such as neanderthals, **** habilis and **** erectus had this ability. If these species didn't why should modern humans? If we accept the concept that humans are reincarnated after death shouldn't we also believe that the aforementioned species did also?


Buddhists generally don't believe in reincarnation because they don't believe in the concept of a soul. In reincarnation, your soul comes back as another person, or it goes to heaven or hell. There is no concept of the supernatural in traditional Buddhism. Instead, Buddhists believe in a rebirth. If you're a good person in this life, you will come back as a higher form of life. If you're bad, you will be reborn as an animal or a tree stump.


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## free thinker (Nov 11, 2003)

Maslow said:


> Buddhists generally don't believe in reincarnation because they don't believe in the concept of a soul. In reincarnation, your soul comes back as another person, or it goes to heaven or hell. There is no concept of the supernatural in traditional Buddhism. Instead, Buddhists believe in a rebirth. If you're a good person in this life, you will come back as a higher form of life. If you're bad, you will be reborn as an animal or a tree stump.


Interesting. You've made me very curious. Maslow, if you don't mind, I'll ask you a bunch more questions until I get a better grasp of the concept. If there is no supernatural component, what exactly is reborn? How does this rebirth process take place? At what point in history did the rebirth process start(referring back to my ancient hominid statement)? Who decides if someone is a good or bad person and what happens to the majority of people who are probably somewhere in between? Who revealed this information to be the truth to the Buddha? What are the higher forms of life? Thanks.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

From what I understand, FT, Buddhists believe that most people are reborn as other people. If you were a good person, you'll be reborn as a more peaceful person. If you do bad things in your life, you'll be reborn as someone who has more suffering in your life. After many bad lives, you won't even be reborn as a person. Instead, you'll be reborn as an animal. If you live a life of greed, you may come back as a "hungry ghost," as I talked about in an earlier post. There is also the concept of coming back as a god (I'm not sure what that means), but to arrive at nirvana is to be a human with no suffering.

There is some science to our being "reborn." After all, we don't just appear out of nothing. The food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe have all at one time been part of other living beings and become a part of our physical being.

It could be that the concept of rebirth is symbolic. When the Buddha talked about karma, he said simply that the things we do have an effect. If you're a good person, you will have a positive effect on others, which will result in less suffering in your own life. If you're bad, you'll suffer more. You'll feel more anger and distress. You'll have less satisfying relationships. You might even wind up in prison.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

A bit more on the concept of self...

At a Buddhist class a couple of months ago, the teacher talked a little about the concept of no-self. It seems that many Buddhist adherents believe that the Buddha taught that there is no self, but scholars claim he never said that. The only time no-self is mentioned in his teachings is a time when someone asked him if there was no self. To this he remained silent. He did, however teach about the concept of not-self -- that it is impossible to define what is self. If you can't define a self, then is there no self? Of course not. We are all different from each other, so there must be a self. It's just not definable.

The Buddhist nun who was teaching the class compared describing the self to describing a river. Most of us, at one time or another, have experienced the pleasure of sitting by a peaceful river and just observing our surroundings. It's a great place to practice mindfulness. Watching the water flow has a relaxing effect. There might be a boat on the river, slowly making its way to some destination. In the water, often there are minnows swimming around by the shore. Birds congregate near the river and animals come there to drink.

So what exactly is the river? Is it the water flowing? The water that is there today isn't the same water that was there yesterday or the same water that will be there tomorrow. Is it the fish? It couldn't be. If the fish left, the river would still be a river. Is it the river bank and trees that give us shade on a hot sunny day? It couldn't be. If you took the water and the trees away, the bank would become just a hill. What if a dam was built up river that created a reservoir and turned the rest of the river into a small creek?

There is no way to define a river. In the same way, you can't define a self. We are constantly changing, just like a river.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Today, we're going to go back to something we touched on earlier. I'm still learning about Buddhist concepts and I was a little off when I spoke of right concentration. Right concentration is not the practice of mindfulness. When we practice mindfulness, we are simply aware. We are aware of our breathing, aware of the sounds around us, aware of how we feel. It is simply observing. When a thought arises, we simply observe it. We might sit and observe the river flowing, as we talked about in the previous post about not-self.

Right concentration is thinking. One of the simplest practices of right concentration is to count your breaths. This is also a common relation exercise. Just sit and count on your out-breath. Breathe in and as you are breathing out, say to yourself oooooooooooonnnne, tttwwwoooooooooooo, trrrrrhhhhreeeeeeee... up to ten, and then start over. If we are anxious or pre-occupied with something, it can be difficult to get all the way up to ten. When that happens, simply start over. Ooooooonnnnnne, ttttwwwoooooooooooo, tttttthhhhhreeeeeeeeeeee....

Right concentration applies to everything we do. Sometimes we're preoccupied with our thoughts. Maybe we're worried about something that might or might not happen. Worrying about something is not right concentration. Worry is a destructive emotion. When you think about it, most of the problems we've had during our lives never happened. We waste time thinking about things that never come to pass. It's remarkable how much effort we spend on these kinds of thoughts and the anxiety that often results.

Many of us who suffer from social anxiety have difficulty concentrating. Our minds wander when we try to read or even watch a movie. We think our thoughts are so important that we can't interrupt them. What is so important about what someone else thinks about us, or whether or not we made a fool of ourselves? It's a complete waste of time. Most of our thoughts are not that important and shouldn't be thought. When we should be thinking, often our superfluous thoughts get in the way of useful thinking.

_When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go._
~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

The character in Catcher in the Rye wasn't practicing right concentration.

Worry is often the result of not concentrating on essential things when we should be. If we need to prepare for a speech or presentation, the best way to avoid worrying about it is by right concentration on preparation. Spend the time preparing by concentrating only on the preparation. When we're reading, concentrate only on what you're reading. Sometimes that can be difficult. I've found that when I'm having trouble staying focused on what I'm reading -- especially if it's some really dry, technical reading -- if I make myself aware of my breathing while reading, it helps me concentrate. There are only so many things we can do at one time. If I practice mindfulness while engaged in another activity, that's all I have room for.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

I attended my second Buddhist class this past Wednesday. The class meets in an old Victorian house near downtown -- a house where several people live as students, monks, and nuns. The people who live and work there are very nice and seem happy. After I paid my $10 admission charge, a pretty woman greeted me and shook my hand. She guided me to a comfortable room furnished with overstuffed chairs and couches. There were snacks and drinks on a table in the corner. I helped myself to a chocolate cookie and a glass of ice tea.

Soon it was time for the class to begin. I found a seat near the front, but on the end of the isle. I like to sit at the end of the isle whenever I'm in an audience. It makes it easier to escape in the event of a panic attack. A young Indian boy came in and sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if he was a boy or girl at first. He was very small and frail looking, and had a high voice. It turned out, he lived in the house. There were some Buddha statues along the wall in front of us. I asked him what was the significance of the elongated ears of the Buddhas. He didn't know.

Everyone stood up with palms together and I joined them as the teacher came in. She was a nice looking woman, despite the fact that her head was shaved. I guessed she was in her late 40s -- probably about my age.

The teacher talked about the mind. What is the mind? Are we born with a mind or does it develop after a few months or so. When we are first born, most of what we do is inherent reflex action. If you touch a baby's cheek, he or she will instinctively turn towards the finger -- presumably to nurse from the mother's breast. If you touch a baby's hand, it will grab it and the father will instinctively make a farting sound.

Our first meditation was just to settle down. The teacher talked more about the mind. We can go anywhere we want in our minds. We can travel to exotic places. We can travel to the past or the future, sometimes ruminating about bad things that have happened or worrying about something that might happen. These destructive emotions do us absolutely no good, yet we spend a great deal of time thinking those thoughts.

The next mediation was about 20 minutes. We were told to just follow the mind wherever it took us. After about 10 minutes, I finally started to relax. I felt like I was alone and the room became quiet and peaceful. The metal chair became comfortable. I found myself imagining I was in the with the couches and snacks, talking with the teacher.

The class was instructed to come back to the present. As I came back, I had a big smile on my face that stayed with me for a while. One of the things Buddhist nuns are supposed to do is lose their desire for sex. I wonder if our teacher has done that -- not that I would try to hit on her or anything, but I just wonder.

Driving home, I felt good. I had achieved total relaxation for a little while in a crowded room. That's progress. I read that you can actually change your brain chemistry through meditation and I think that's happening with me. I've been better able to handle stressful situations lately. Living in the present is much more enjoyable than worrying about every little thing and ruminating about all the bad things that happened to me. I've been much happier lately.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

I wish we had something like that out here. We have a few temples but i'm not comfortable going, i'd feel lost. 

The closest thing i've found is this woman who leads a group in energy work and she follows the Buddhist philosophy and her teachings revolve around it. She actually learned Kundalini yoga from Yogi Bhajan himself. 

I enjoyed reading your story!


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Thanks, Embers.  I feel a little lost when I go since I feel like everyone else there knows more about Buddhism than I do, but it's very comfortable and unpretentious. A good variety of people attend. There are a few other balding, graying old farts like me and a lot of people in their 20s and 30s. After the class, a lot of people stay and socialize. Maybe after I go a few more times I'll try to talk to some people.

By the way... you look MAHR-velous.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

Sometimes I feel like i'm battling with SA and am getting no where. I'm at this stage in my therapy where I would like to have more people around me, forming close bonds, maybe even finding a relationship. I started feeling restless, wanting this to happen RIGHT NOW...and I started suffering, with loneliness. It was overwhelming. But I found something that reminded me...loneliness is a part of human suffering. All I needed to do is examine it, and not be afraid to feel it. Its not going to be here forever, and I don't have to force it to change, it will just change on its own. This reading helped me remember this, I hope it helps someone else. 

Six Kinds of Loneliness--

Pema Chödrön 

To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.

In the middle way, there is no reference point. The mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, does not fixate or grasp. How could we possibly have no reference point? To have no reference point would be to change a deep-seated habitual response to the world: wanting to make it work out one way or the other. If I can't go left or right, I will die! When we don't go left or right, we feel like we are in a detox center. We're alone, cold turkey with all the edginess that we've been trying to avoid by going left or right. That edginess can feel pretty
heavy.

However, years and years of going to the left or right, going to yes or no, going to right or wrong has never really changed anything. Scrambling for security has never brought anything but momentary joy. It's like changing the position of our legs in meditation. Our legs hurt from sitting cross-legged, so we move them. And then we feel, "Phew!
What a relief!" But two and a half minutes later, we want to move them again. We keep moving around seeking pleasure, seeking comfort, and the
satisfaction that we get is very short-lived.

We hear a lot about the pain of samsara, and we also hear about liberation. But we don't hear much about how painful it is to go from being completely stuck to becoming unstuck. The process of becoming
unstuck requires tremendous bravery, because basically we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality, like changing our DNA. We are
undoing a pattern that is not just our pattern. It's the human pattern: we project onto the world a zillion possibilities of attaining resolution.
We can have whiter teeth, a weed-free lawn, a strife-free life, a world without embarrassment. We can live happily every after. This pattern keeps
us dissatisfied and causes us a lot of suffering.

As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and
ambiguity. To the degree that we've been avoiding uncertainty, we're naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms'withdrawal from always thinking that there's a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it.

The middle way is wide open, but it's tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don't want to sit and feel what we feel. We don't want to go through the detox. Yet the middle way encourages us to
do just that. It encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can
relax with these feelings, it's very hard to stay in the middle when we experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame. For example, if somebody abandons us, we don't want to be with that raw discomfort. Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim. Or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or
victimhood.

Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.

There are six ways of describing this kind of cool loneliness. They are: less desire, contentment, avoiding unnecessary activity, complete discipline, not wandering in the world of desire, and not seeking security from one's discursive thoughts.

Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us yearns for something to cheer us up and change our mood.
Practicing this kind of loneliness is a way of sowing seeds so that fundamental restlessness decreases. In meditation, for example, every time we label "thinking" instead of getting endlessly run around by our thoughts, we are training in just being here without dissociation. We can't do that now to the degree that we weren't willing to do it
yesterday or the day before or last week or last year. After we practice less desire wholeheartedly and consistently, something shifts. We feel
less desire in the sense of being less solidly seduced by our Very Important Story Lines. So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior. That's the path of bravery. The less we spin off and go crazy, the more we taste the satisfaction of cool loneliness. As the Zen master Katagiri Roshi often
said, "One can be lonely and not be tossed away by it."

The second kind of loneliness is contentment. When we have nothing, we have nothing to lose. We don't have anything to lose but being programmed in our guts to feel we have a lot to lose. Our feeling that we have a lot to lose is rooted in fear - of loneliness, of change, of anything that can't be resolved, of nonexistence. The hope that we can avoid this feeling and the fear that we can't become our reference point.

When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we're on the right side and who we are if we're on the left side. But we don't know who we are when we don't put ourselves on either
side. Then we just don't know what to do. We just don't know. We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness. We give up believing that being able to escape our loneliness is going to bring any lasting happiness or joy or sense of well-being or courage or strength. Usually we have to give up this belief about a billion times, again and again making friends with our
jumpiness and dread, doing the same old thing a billion times with awareness. Then without our even noticing, something begins to shift. We can just be lonely with no alternatives, content to be right here with the mood and texture of what's happening.

The third kind of loneliness is avoiding unnecessary activities. When we're lonely in a "hot" way, we look for something to save us; we look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness,
and our minds just go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. That's called unnecessary activity. It's a way of keeping ourselves busy so we don't have to feel any pain. It could take
the form of obsessively daydreaming of true romance, or turning a tidbit of gossip into the six o - clock news , or even going off by ourselves into
the wilderness.

The point is that in all these activities, we are seeking companionship in our usual, habitual way, using our same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness. Could we just
settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves? Could we stop trying to escape from being alone with ourselves? What about practicing not jumping and grabbing when we begin to panic? Relaxing with loneliness is a worthy occupation. As the Japanese poet Ryokan says, "If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things."

Complete discipline is another component of cool loneliness. Complete discipline means that at every opportunity, we're willing to come back, just gently come back to the present moment. This is loneliness
as complete discipline. We're willing to sit still, just be there, alone. We don't particularly have to cultivate this kind of loneliness; we could just sit still long enough to realize it's how things really
are. We are fundamentally alone, and there is nothing anywhere to hold on to. Moreover, this is not a problem. In fact, it allows us to finally
discover a completely unfabricated state of being. Our habitual assumptions'all our ideas about how things are—keep us from seeing anything in a fresh, open way. We say, "Oh yes, I know." But we
don't know. We don't ultimately know anything. There's no certainty about anything. This basic truth hurts, and we want to run away from it. But coming back and relaxing with something as familiar as loneliness is good discipline for realizing the profundity of the unresolved moments of
our lives. We are cheating ourselves when we run away from the ambiguity of loneliness.

Not wandering in the world of desire is another way of describing cool loneliness. Wandering in the world of desire involves looking for alternatives, seeking something to comfort us—food, drink, people. The
word desire encompasses that addiction quality, the way we grab for something because we want to find a way to make things okay. That quality comes from never having grown up. We still want to go home and be able to open the refrigerator and find it full of our favorite goodies; when the going gets tough, we want to yell "Mom!" But what we're doing as we
progress along the path is leaving home and becoming homeless. Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how
things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have.

Another aspect of cool loneliness is not seeking security from one's discursive thoughts. The rug's been pulled; the jig is up; there is no way to get out of this one! We don't even seek the companionship
of our own constant conversation with ourselves about how it is and how it isn't, whether it is or whether it isn't, whether it should or whether it shouldn't, whether it can or whether it can't. With cool loneliness we do not expect security from our own internal chatter. That's why we are instructed in meditation to label it "thinking." It has no objective reality. It is transparent and ungraspable. We're encouraged to just touch that chatter and let it go, not make much ado about nothing.

Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.

Cool loneliness doesn't provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or
the sacred path of the warrior.

When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden
opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this.

Pema Chödrön is a fully-ordained Buddhist nun and the director of Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. She is the author of The Wisdom of No
Escape, Start Where You Are and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. © 1996 Pema Chödrön.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

> Two dogs walk into a room. One comes out quivering, barking in fear the whole time, while the other comes out wagging his tail, with a seemingly big smile across his face. A man seeing this walks into the room to discover that its full of mirrors. That is the way of this life: What we see is who we are.


The other day, someone accused me of something. I was taken aback, because this person's judgement was completely off. I thought about it for awhile, and rather than placing value on this person's opinion of me, I remembered the above story that rings true and is a reminder. We can use it in many ways, when people ridicule us, judge us, criticize us. They are not _us_, we are ever changing as well, so what they may see is something fleeting in _themselves_ they may not like, that is so familiar to them and to what they hold inside, so they point it out in us. We're all mirrors reflecting back on each other.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Embers said:


> The other day, someone accused me of something. I was taken aback, because this person's judgement was completely off. I thought about it for awhile, and rather than placing value on this person's opinion of me, I remembered the above story that rings true and is a reminder. We can use it in many ways, when people ridicule us, judge us, criticize us. They are not us, we are ever changing as well, so what they may see is something fleeting in themselves they may not like, that is so familiar to them and to what they hold inside, so they point it out in us. We're all mirrors reflecting back on each other.


It's disheartening when people have a negative opinion of us. It's perception, and it's also group-think. All it takes is one person saying bad things about you to influence the opinion of others.

I experienced that at a job I had. One guy used to backstab me all the time. He maintained a high visibility in the company and made my life pretty miserable. The project failed miserably and he was one of the reasons it failed -- not because of his backstabbing, but because of his incompetence.

I'm writing this because I caught myself ruminating about it last night when I was trying to sleep. The fact is, some of the things he said about me were true. That doesn't excuse the backstabbing, but when I accepted that, the ruminations stopped and I was able to fall asleep.


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## Anachiel (Oct 21, 2007)

*Re: re: Buddhism*



Maslow said:


> It's funny. We tend to observe these types of things in movies, but in real life, we don't pay any attention to them. Our world is a fascinating place and simply being aware can help us relax.


I agree, yesterday I got upset and stressed over something and I needed to escape, I went somewhere where it was dead silent, I had a cry and a million thoughts ran through my head then I just wanted those thoughts to fly away, I decided to sit there and just focused on nothing. I just sat there and watched the wind swaying the trees, slowely watched the sun go down, just heard nothing but the wind. It was total relaxation, I felt myself calming down and I sat there until the thoughts swept away, then I was ready again to face the music, if you know what I mean, lol! But it did do me the world of good to just do that, to just wait until there was nothing but nothing running through my head and to just focus on mother nature doing her thing.


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## isis (Apr 30, 2008)

Hello Maslow and everyone. I just came across this thread and I find it very, very interesting. I'm gonna need a little bit more time to read all the posts, but I really wish you'd keep posting. 
Thanks for sharing all of this with us.


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## stargazer8 (Jun 6, 2008)

Hi! It's nice to see something on here about Buddhism. Your posts, Maslow, have been really great to read. I was raised Buddhist and I still am a practicing one. It's been difficult at times to keep practicing, but I don't know what I would be like if I didn't have my faith.

I'd like to put in my two cents if anyone is interested...

There are a lot of components to understanding Buddism as a way of life. Understanding emotions is an important part of it. This is a crucial method for dealing with suffering. I'll get back to this in a moment.

The key to successfully practicing Buddhism is having genuine compassion for ourselves and for others. Using our suffering as a process to cultivate genuine compassion. We suffer, we do not wish to suffer, we have compassion for our inner selves. From this, it means that we know suffering, and as such we can understand what it is like for another person to suffer. Therefore, we see that others do not wish to suffer, and should not suffer.

When I speak about genuine compassion I am not referring to love. Love can generate further suffering. When you love something or someone, you have expectations that need to be met. If they are not met then you suffer. You can come to hate from that failed meeting of expectation. Compassion gives you a positive drive. It gives you a sense of purpose. It also connects you to all sentient beings. Even your enemies.

These are things to consider when understanding emotions.

As Maslow says, suffering is caused by cravings. One important difference between suffering and not suffering is the disillusionment of happiness (or what we perceive to be happiness). People confuse pleasure with happiness. Pleasure is temporary and often leads to suffering - or the return to a suffering state. Think about this for a second, people have a baseline. For example, when a person is given a polygraph, first a baseline is established before the actual test is performed. The pleasure of indulging in drinking, eating, or drugs are good examples. The pleasures of owning a new home or car, getting married, or getting a raise at work are also good examples. People who struggle with cancer or injury eventually come to terms with it. After all of these positives and negatives have come and pass, we return to our baseline. Things that bring us pleasure, we confuse it for happiness. But it's never enough and we keep seeking to do the same or similar things to keep on feeling those pleasures. The point I'm trying to make is nothing external can provide true happiness. It must be sought after within ourselves. If one continues to seek out pleasure to provide happiness, one becomes stuck in an endless cycle of suffering.


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## dyingtolive (Jul 15, 2008)

im glad to have found this post. I havent spent much time on buddhism, though I try to pick up everything that I do from what I can remember. The part about breathing, I've just recently applied for the past few days. The results have exceeded my expectations and right now is one thing really going for me. = )

The part about craving, why is it that we must eat? Its one thing to refrain from sex, from drugs, from desctructive pleasures. But why does food taste good? This is the hardest part haha. I guess its quite a difficult path. the eightfold. 
Like embers said, we live in a modern world. 

All of these posts are really good for me. I think i should print it and read it to remember the wisdom when I need it to calm myself down. 

The part about loneliness caught me. In anxiety, a technique used is to use positive self-talk. sort of like , reassuring our ego's that we're ok. We're worth it. though in buddhism, the technique used is to let go of the mind. hmmm. im not quite sure how this all adds up, but Ill be aware of both.

Reincarnation: I don't agree with this and think it shouldnt be taken literally. thats just me tho. Why is one animal or a tree 'lower ' than a human being? With this i think i disagree. i think we're all one part of something big, and the different parts are just different parts. hmm anyway, i think thats too metaphysical to really matter or have importance for me.

Maybe, if there is just an urgency, we will all do things in order to survive. to me, i feel, the only way I can survive is if I start practicing buddhism


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## HumiliatedGuy (Jan 13, 2008)

stargazer8 said:


> The point I'm trying to make is nothing external can provide true happiness. It must be sought after within ourselves. If one continues to seek out pleasure to provide happiness, one becomes stuck in an endless cycle of suffering.


I agree that pleasure is not happiness. And nothing external can provide true happiness.

But I still wonder, then, what is happiness?


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

HumiliatedGuy said:


> But I still wonder, then, what is happiness?


IMO Happiness is having control on your life. To be free from fear. A control freak is not happy because they are controlled by the people they are trying to control.


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## dyingtolive (Jul 15, 2008)

i also hear that happiness is a 'state of mind'. being aware and content in the present. no matter whats happenin


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## stargazer8 (Jun 6, 2008)

tomcoldaba said:


> IMO Happiness is having control on your life. To be free from fear. A control freak is not happy because they are controlled by the people they are trying to control.


"Control" is a good word to look at. This is one good way to put it. Control can lead to understanding, which will lead to healing. Coming from a family of Buddhists (generations of practicing Buddhists) I have been exposed to the totality of Buddha's teachings. These are things that require some sense of complete faith. That being said...I want to add to my previous post by talking about some additional things: karma, reincarnation, meditation, and enlightenment. Generally speaking, these are things people have heard about. Here's is just a sampling of what is important to know when successfully practicing...

*Karma* is basically what westerners have come to appreciate as "what goes around comes around." All good and bad actions eventually come back to us. The karma of each person is continually changing. Everything that is good and bad that happens to them is the result of past, present, and future actions. This is karmic retribution. So when something wonderful occurs, or something catastrophic, it can be attributed to karma. It is OK to celebrate or to grieve, but it is important to move on. This kind of mental perspective helps you deal with all emotions, especially the most damaging ones - anger and sadness. Do not let the resulting emotions and actions determine your well being. This leads to suffering. When another person chooses to do bad against you, they are creating bad karma for themselves. When another chooses to do good to you, this is again the same thing. This is one way we are all connected.

This does not mean that you should do good to receive good. The purpose of understanding the universal law of karma is to cultivate kindness. To practice genuine compassion.

Karma comes hand in hand with *reincarnation*. Buddhists believe in reincarnation. All living creatures have a soul. Soul = mind (if you study Tibetan or other eastern Buddhism these words are often used interchangeably). A person's karma is the result of their actions from every life - their current and previous lives. This is why karma is so complex.

[centerxzg4gd2]Here is something that is helpful when dealing with what life throws at you, "_If things can be improved, we must try to make them better. If things cannot be changed, we must accept it as karmic retribution_."[/centerxzg4gd2]

This helps you to accept things that are outside of your control.

On a side note about karma: do not confuse your own karma with the bad karma that another creates. For example, if a child is abused, he or she does not deserve to be. This is not his or her karma. This is the abuser creating bad karma.

Let's look at understanding reincarnation for a moment. Siddh?rtha Gautama teaches that suffering is part of the cycle of life. Reincarnation. Our soul in our current life, when this life is over, our soul is reincarnated into a new physical being for the next life. So our soul keeps coming back into a new life again and again. This includes any sex, male or female, any color, black or white or yellow or brown, and sometimes even any being, human or animal. (I will not discuss the role of the animal lifeform until my next post, because I already have too much for this post.) To break free from the cycle of life, or reincarnation, we can achieve *enlightenment*. Enlightenment = nirvana. This is also known as prajna. When we speak of enlightenment, we are not referring to the educational sense of the word. We are referring to the state of being free from the cycle of suffering.

Siddh?rtha Gautama discusses that the successful method of attaining enlightenment is the practice of *mindful meditation*. This is not simply sitting cross-legged and saying "Om." Meditation is generally a proper way of staying in the present. Our minds are restless. Meditation is a way of calming one's mind. You can practice this not just by sitting and meditating, but by thinking this way all the time. Whatever you are doing, think about what you are doing at the moment. This forces you to remain in the present. The past is already gone. The future hasn't happened. We are always physically in the present, our minds should be also. Part of one's present state of mental suffering is not being able to remain in the present. When one is focused on the past or the future in an unproductive manner. One is always thinking, "yesterday when this happened..." or "years ago when my father did this..." These are unproductive and only damaging your mental and physical state. So instead, when you are in the shower, focus on, "I am washing my hair", when you are jogging, focus on, "I am jogging." When you take a moment out of your day to actually sit down and meditate, quiet your mind. Remove all the noise and clutter that is inside it. This is why we have a mantra. Chanting our mantra is important to focus the mind. This does not mean you shouldn't plan for a future or remember and learn from past mistakes.

Remember, all of these things to understand and practice is important for cultivating kindness. Genuine compassion should be the pure motivator in all of this. Genuine compassion for oneself and others is the goal and the proper path to spiritual enlightenment. Genuine compassion for all living creatures, sentient or not, should be in one's intentions to practice true Buddhism.


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