# Difficulty being social and confident at work



## twmontgomery09 (Jun 22, 2015)

So I graduated college 5 years ago and got a job doing supply chain analytics at a power company. I am really good at my job. Year after year I get great evaluations and the maximum allowable raise. The problem is, I am terrified every single day before going into work. I put on a great show to everyone by acting like I love my life and I am comfortable in social situations, but inside I feel the exact opposite. The stress of having to do things like presentations and luncheons with potentials clients is literally killing me inside. I am so nervous about speaking in a group environment that I can't even think when put on the spot around others. On days before presentations I can't sleep and if I feel that I have mispoken in front of other people, I get physically sick. More than a few times I have found myself in the bathroom gagging over the toilet because of the stress of social interaction during the workday.

My boss has told me that my inaction in meetings and lack of confidence are the main factors holding me back from advancement. To make matters worse, my girlfriend is starting to get very frustrated with my social anxiety holding me back.

I feel like if I don't fix this situation soon, the stress is going to break me and my life will crumble. I am posting this hoping that someone has experienced something similar and maybe has some advice to help me cope.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

I have had the same issues, for me Mondays are the worst, Friday afternoons tend to be better because I know I'm getting out of there soon. I am always worried I messed up on something unknowingly and will get in trouble, or that I will have something to do and won't be able to figure out how to do it. It's especially bad when my supervisor is out, I just finished up two weeks of that and had the same issues, couldn't rest away from work, almost had panic attacks.

Do you socialize with others outside of work? Maybe that would help you gain confidence with presentations and meeting clients? Or, try giving presentations to people you know.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*not antisocial label appropriate to me*

just thinking different

not where a team must be strictly ABCDEFG
no compromise for anyone who might be ABCDEF
or BCDEFG
or ABCYEFG
or ABCDEFGH

or ABCDEFO or A or B

or ZYXWVY

pub lunch or desk? Water at the pub? Or no food? 
Paintballing? Or scuba diving or Sea fishing?


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

I can't say I've been in exactly the same situation, but there's certain things you've said which I've gone through (and still going through if I have to be honest). 

I haven't been told face to face that my lack of social skills and confidence is holding me back, but I know in my heart it is. Put in what effort you can or sit back in your comfort zone – it's made absolutely no difference for me. I never progressed at all in my last job, which I held for just over nine years. I remained at the very bottom rung in the company throughout – despite seeing people starting at the same level as me after I started and moving up rapidly. I’ve been in my current job for five years and, once again, I’m still at the bottom rung in the company. I can't say I've seen anyone come from behind and overtake me yet, though…

I'm convinced it’s not the skills or qualifications you've achieved through education that gets you the promotions and pay rises. From my experience, it seems to me who you know and how you talk is what gets you moving onwards and upwards. Unfortunately for those with anxiety issues and simply can’t mix with people (and they can’t mix with you) for whatever reason, there’s no chance in hell of getting anywhere regardless of how good your intentions are. It’s as if we’re made to be the ‘bad’ people, when the opposite is actually the case. 

It’s funny you mention misspeaking. It's a strange syndrome. I know what I want to say before I say it. Yet when it comes to opening my mouth in front of people, I end up stuttering and then forgetting what I wanted to say mid-sentence. Unfortunately, it’s something which is deteriorating as the years go by and the only way I can resolve this is to literally go as mute as I can during the working day. Even if I can say something clearly, others hear something completely different. They'll end up disagreeing with me and then basically saying what I've just said – only with two or three different words :um. It's bizarre. It's as if I'm there to be disagreed with (even if I'm actually agreeing with someone else or saying the same thing) or pedantic points to be made against. If they can't do that, I'm there to be snubbed. 

I don't mind Monday's. I hate them coming round and I’m more or less inconsolable come Sunday mid-afternoon onwards (feeling sick and very depressed). However, once I’m at work come Monday morning, I find it’s usually one of the quickest days of the week – as strange as that sounds. For me, it’s actually Friday that’s the worst day. I look forward to the weekend and Friday, without fail, absolutely drags. Despite it being the busiest day of the week when it comes to my own specific work, I seem to be able to do twice as much in half the amount of time, judging by how slow the clock moves. 3-5pm on Friday afternoons (my final two hours) are positively painful. The clock simply doesn't move forward. 

Blink at 5pm on a Friday and you run the risk of missing you're entire weekend, though…


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## Kenneth Ash (Jul 19, 2015)

Hayman said:


> It's funny you mention misspeaking. It's a strange syndrome. I know what I want to say before I say it. Yet when it comes to opening my mouth in front of people, I end up stuttering and then forgetting what I wanted to say mid-sentence.


This is my life!

For my job, you definitely need to speak up, have excitement in your voice, etc, for better client relationship. Which makes sense I guess. I'm kind of in the same situation as well, but I was told I can be given a chance, and work on it while in my new position when I get it.

I'm trying very hard, I can't even sit with my coworkers and eat lunch. I feel so uncomfortable and out of place.


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## bladeofgrass (Nov 16, 2014)

Its a tough one but i would say try doing some kind of hobby you know you can enjoy and look forward to.. where you interact with people in a way that is not direct...i mean something like sports or some kind of artform etc. This is an exercise in relaxation and deflection of your attention away from anxiety. You would not be under work pressure and have no obligation...just to enjoy yourself.
It may not seem like it at first but doing something like that will help, you will learn subconsciously to relax in front of others and not care so much about what certain people think of you.
If you need more than that i would consider trying some therapy sessions to help you.


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## bintuae (Feb 25, 2012)

looks like your job requires a lot of social interaction (typical business, IT jobs). If it causes you lot of stress just quit. I struggle with the same issue. I find my sa is at worst while at work. I strangely switch to the silent mode.


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## PenguinNinja (Jun 25, 2015)

I understand how you feel. I am very impressed by how much you push yourself to face social interactions at work. I wish it were easier for people like us, but perhaps instead of trying to appear as someone your not, Try being more and more of who you really are, it might take some of the pressure off yourself and you might surprise yourself with what you find.


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## ginger12 (Sep 30, 2014)

twmontgomery09 said:


> So I graduated college 5 years ago and got a job doing supply chain analytics at a power company. I am really good at my job. Year after year I get great evaluations and the maximum allowable raise. The problem is, I am terrified every single day before going into work. I put on a great show to everyone by acting like I love my life and I am comfortable in social situations, but inside I feel the exact opposite. The stress of having to do things like presentations and luncheons with potentials clients is literally killing me inside. I am so nervous about speaking in a group environment that I can't even think when put on the spot around others. On days before presentations I can't sleep
> .... make matters worse, my girlfriend is starting to get very frustrated with my social anxiety holding me back.


I have felt like my inability to socialize always holds me back. I also got top evaluations and raises but then would be passed over for promotions.

Sorry you're gf is getting annoyed. Have you or are you open to trying klonezapam? There are lots of people here jealous of anyone with a significant other. At least you were able to accomplish that.


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## tortillachip (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm in the same position. Highly stressful professional job. I feel awful at work. I've been stuck at the bottom rung of the ladder due to lack of confidence while everyone else has moved up quickly.

I've had ex girlfriends try to stress me into becoming better. I feel they all ultimately left because they could see I wasn't going to be financially secure partner they dreamed of because of social anxiety. 

It did get better, but things have nose dived recently. Feels like I've gone back to zero progress for the last few months. Struggling to make eye contact or smile. It's depressing. Well done on achieving so much though and good luck.


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## HannahG (Aug 31, 2010)

I can relate.
While I don't have any presentations that I do regularly now, I once did. Once a month I'd have one and I'd kill at it. I had all the research down, could tell you any statistics, answer questions ,etc. But my stomach would be in knots. I'd have an anxiety attack sometimes before doing them then be nervous several hours after until even the next morning. Even if I was told I did phenomenal. In high school I'd always get A+ on presentations but I always felt the same, wanted to be sick, etc.

Right now, every day before I go into work, I am so nervous. Sometimes I even get teary eyed on the bus to work. A few times I started crying but no one was around me and I just put my big sunglasses on so I was able to cover it up. Even now, sometimes part way through the day I'll be hit with that disassociated feeling...and feel short of breath. I've been at my company for a long time and in this department for over a year. I'm as comfortable as I'm going to get but the feelings never go away.

I wish non-anxiety ridden people could understand how powerful this is. I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot take on any more stress at work. If I do I might break down crying in front of everyone. It's exhausting. One of the ladies at work confided in me recently that she has generalized anxiety so I told her about my SA. It helps knowing someone else is struggling with the same things at work as I am, but it's only a small comfort. 

It's so unfair to all of us.
People shouldn't have to be so twisted up just to keep a roof over their heads.


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