# Too afraid to leave my room...



## KG2015 (Sep 16, 2015)

I've literately spent around 5 hours since I arrived here at my new student accommodation obsessively worrying about interacting with my flatmates. Even the sudden passing of footsteps beneath my door fills me with dread and trepidation. It's a feeling I've accumulated for around 24 years and a feeling I fear will accumulate for even longer.

The very thought of conversing pains me - I truly wish I could have meaningful conversations, but in any given situation my brain disengages with whatever thoughtful insight I might have at that moment and replaces it with a stream of overly common and short responses projected from what feels like the vocal cords of a robot. I'm also far to aware of my presence to the point where irrationality no longer feels like a suitable word. The way my eyes glance at them when I talk, my current posture, have I been staring at them for too long?, should I stare somewhere else? If I stare somewhere else will they assume I'm not interested in the conversion? - these are just some of the foolish questions I ask myself.

My first year in student accommodation was all the same, I spent as much time as I possibly could hiding. I would wait beside the door until I heard complete silence before I even considered entering the kitchen/bathroom. I would go about my day very much in silence trying to make as little noise as possible - to pretend I was never in. I even avoided cooking food altogether - I would solely use the kettle to make noodles and lived mainly off that cereals and sandwiches.

The worse thing about it all is that these constant fits of worrying give your mind very little time to engage in other interests and that in turn gives you less to talk about thus completing the anxious cycle.

I honestly know I should see someone about this - I've never plucked up the courage to but I know it needs to be done.

As it stands though I feel like a guitar without any strings.


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## Euthymia (Jul 15, 2015)

This sounds really intense, I've never heard of somebody with as much anxiety as you.

Right now therapy is your best choice to take.


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

Euthymia said:


> This sounds really intense, I've never heard of somebody with as much anxiety as you.
> 
> Right now therapy is your best choice to take.


I was the same. Can only go out and shop in the night and stuff. I even got pulled out of my studies for a year.

I am just going to assume you were like me OP and couldn't go out because you didn't feel good enough. You just have to give no ****s.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

I've been experiencing the same thing since I moved into my college dorm. The first day was awful and I basically had a nervous breakdown and obsessively thought people were talking about me. Luckily someone introduced me to the people next door who were nice so I wasn't as scared. But lately they've been really loud, blasting rap music, and having a bunch of people over at their room (like right this second. so annoying) sometimes until 3 in the morning and it makes me anxious. They keep slamming the door and it makes me jump like every time. When I leave my room I listen at my door to hear if anyone is around and wait until it's quiet. Last night I waited to take a shower at 2am so that no one would see me. I only went to the cafeteria once because I dread it. Every time I go to the microwave or shower downstairs I have to be like a ninja and make it back to my room before anyone sees me. I've only been eating less than 500 calories a day because I'm sorta stranded except for when I go to class. This weekend I'm gonna go shopping for a hoard of food that I can just keep in my room.

The thing that helps me is the counseling, academic coaching, and tutoring services that my school offers because they force me to leave my room and they give me practice talking to people. Oh and a few fans help drown out the noisy people. Plus just focusing on schoolwork helps.


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## Kcnca (Jan 26, 2013)

Your situation reads exactly like my own experience first year of college living in the dorms. Paralyzing, awful, cumbersome, and I empathize.


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## momentsoflucidity (Sep 20, 2015)

Euthymia said:


> This sounds really intense, I've never heard of somebody with as much anxiety as you.
> 
> Right now therapy is your best choice to take.


Well, I have as much anxiety as that and we're probably not alone. I literally took a screenshot of your post (just for me, I hope you don't mind...) because it resignated with me so much.

The could-be meaningful conversations that I instead use the shortest answers to get it over with as fast as possible. I can't help it. My brain won't process anything more than "yeah..." and I walk away from almost every conversation with adrenaline, feeling dissapointed in myself, and ultimately wanting to hide. If that doesn't happen, I push myself too hard to make conversation and end up sounding like an idiot...jumping too far ahead in the conversation, saying something that throws the person I'm talking to off guard, making sudden anxious movements/twitches etc. It's awful.

The eye contact! Oh my god, I've explained this to counselors/therapists and I really thought I was the only one. You couldn't have described it more accurately. How many times are they glancing at me? Maybe they haven't looked at me in ten seconds because I'm looking at them too much. The ABSOLUTE WORST is when someone you know is approaching you and you know you have to say hi, but you don't know when to look up at them or when to say something. I always feel like it's going to slowly and then if they say something I feel so rushed to say something back that I get so anxious that I feel as if I've missed the time frame in which I can say something and end up not saying anything at all. The eye thing makes me feel so disasociated sometimes and I feel if I try to ignore it, I will just make more mistakes (if it were possible to ignore it).

I guess it's good that you understand it's 'foolish'? I do too, but it doesn't seem to be of much help...

When I end up seeing anyone and mess up a conversation with them, I just feel so ****ing tired like I just need to lie down--that I can't stand up for another second, the anxiety is so crippling. And yes, you don't have much time or energy to focus on anything else.

I have personally talked to people about this (my therapist, high school psychologist and counselor, DCF worker, etc. and no one seems to know what to do. I have the most faith in my psychologist, since I just met her and she's offering me actual suggestions instead of just me ranting and someone listening, but it feels hopeless. I really hope you can find someone to help you, but try not to get discouraged if it doesn't come right away. Many people want to help, but very few know how. There's a big concentration people put on making the first step to ask for help, like everything will just immediatly follow. I'm not trying to get you down, but I just know with anxiety frustration is always an inch away so sometimes it's good to prepare yourself.

I wish you luck <3 Just keep reminding yourself that you're doing a good job--you chose to stay a second year. If you find anyone you feel comfortable talking to, maybe gradually tell them about your fear of walking to get food, etc. The worst thing that could happen is that he/she doesn't understand. If anything worse were to happen (gossiping, etc.) that's on them and not on you. (And this is advice that is as much for you as it is for myself.)

Again, good luck!


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