# 2014 is the year I have a social life.. BUT HOW?



## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

I'm determined to make 2014 the year I have a great network of friends and a social life. I just don't know where to get these friends from, since I'm not school/uni. Where do you find these so-called friends from?? I'm going to start sewing classes so hopefully I'll meet people through there. But where else? I want meaningful real life friends.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

Ok gang, I've spent the afternoon on meetup.com. There;s loads of meetups in my area. Abit worried about the age gap because most people that use them are seemingly quite older. But I'll give it a go. I also booked myself a sewing class so we'll see if I make friends on that, but it could be old mums hah.


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## francogrex (Dec 25, 2013)

yes classes and other real-life social forums are a good way to start. seriously avoid anything "online", as those are poor and shallow, very shallow and lead only to frustrations if you are looking for real meaningful relationships; Go the old fashion ways, before the invention of the internet and all rubbish that came along it is making retarded zombies out of people.


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## Pierre1 (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm in college and I still can't seem to socialise with them outside of college.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

What I'm noticing about these classes and social groups is that people tend to only meet each other at the group, they don't meet each other outside and do general friend-type things outside of the group. 

I want friends that I can hang about with and have a laugh with and I don't think these groups offer that. So where am I going to meet these people?


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

Yeah its been years since I had friends to hang out with.

I lived alone for years, then this summer had roommates, tried hanging out with them sometimes, but they would mess with me in ways I hate. Other times it was alright, but my crush on the other girl roommate ruined it all, and they didn't like me enough anyways. I reached out to them, they never did, at lleast not after a little while. Then it would feel like I was crashing in on their TV shows, and 1 girl and her friend would even just text back and forth rather than talk to me....it was me more than them

Now I have new roommates, and I'm still holed up in my room. 1 guy I don't want to hangout with, the other guy is alright, but still, I'm more comfortable alone I guess. And the girl is sort of a total moody witch...freaks me out

There's no living room, sitting in the kitchen is more boring than playing videos games. Where's this going???

OP do u have roommates?


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## anyoldkindofday (Dec 16, 2012)

Guess it also depends on what kind of class you're taking. If for example you're taking acting / improv classes I'm pretty sure the people are more outgoing and open-minded than in a pottery/painting class and therefore more likely to organise a meet-up outside of the classes. Also eveningclasses might work better as you or someone else can simply propose to grab a drink afterwards and if the group has a fun night the door is open for more get-togethers.


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## Parsley (Jan 2, 2014)

It depends on who you are really. I noticed as soon I started to become comfortable in my own skin, it became easier (easIER, not easy) to make friends. If you can't be comfortable with your own mind, being alone, at least for a little while, people you talk to tend to notice that fairly fast. At least I do. Desperation for a lot of people, while obviously understandable, is not the prettiest thing to be around. So the problem with me at one point (and still is a bit of a problem to this day), is that I didn't like being around myself, if that makes sense. So I looked to things that I enjoyed, that I didn't strive for out of either peer pressure, or embarrassment. So for example, I really liked Dragonball Z when I was a kid, and didn't really stopped liking it but I stopped watching it, because teenagers in my school thought it was silly and stupid for someone my age to continue watching a show like that. So after years in school of me failing to make any proper connection with anyone. I stopped caring about people, that overly superficial side of me died, constantly caring about what other people like, trying to adapt to that, building a status for myself, "this is what I like, this is what I want people to see, even though I don't necessarily actually like these things, I just think they'll be impressed with this". You kind of forget that these people are going through a very similar thing, not just teenagers, adults right up to elderly people have this problem, as well. They have their real personality, and the one they feel they need to show. The problem with that second personality, the fake personality, is that no matter what you do, it will always be uninteresting, and shallow, and lacking, because you're basically trying to invent a new ****ing person. I don't know if you realise but people are incredibly complex. No matter how stupid they are.

Anyway, the point I'm making, is being superficial and too selfconscious had a negative impact on my social wellbeing. So, although don't break out of that completely, try and reduce that, try not to care about what people about think, and be a bit more honest. It's more of a risk being those things, but it's normally worth it.


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## Parsley (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh and one other thing. Don't expect people to come to you, go to them. I hope any of that horribly structured bollocks helps you a least a little bit.


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## Pierre1 (Apr 25, 2013)

freakamidget said:


> What I'm noticing about these classes and social groups is that people tend to only meet each other at the group, they don't meet each other outside and do general friend-type things outside of the group.
> 
> I want friends that I can hang about with and have a laugh with and I don't think these groups offer that. So where am I going to meet these people?


Thats the problem theres no guarantee you'll make ''proper friends'' so when people say just make friends its not that easy...


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

You dont really make friends in adulthood tbh, its more just people you know or associates. Nobody cares much for friends or anything in adulthood as the majority of people already have friends. There will be some people out there who are after new friends but they are few and far between.

Proper friends are made growing up, once you reach a certain age the making new friends becomes hard, almost impossible. It also can make finding a relationship impossible because if a person has no friends then nobody know who they are which raises red flags, it will be like being a drifter and not many people like drifters.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

^ I know, it really really sucks!! Because of my SA I didn't really get a chance to make proper friends in school. I didn't go to uni either. So I have no traditional gateway to get friends. It's so rubbish!! 

However nothing is impossible, and there's loads of groups in my area on meetup.com so hopefully I will meet some cool peeps. Never give up the dream!!


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

freakamidget said:


> ^ I know, it really really sucks!! Because of my SA I didn't really get a chance to make proper friends in school. I didn't go to uni either. So I have no traditional gateway to get friends. It's so rubbish!!
> 
> However nothing is impossible, and there's loads of groups in my area on meetup.com so hopefully I will meet some cool peeps. Never give up the dream!!


Im not trying to crush your hopes or anything that was just my opinion.

good luck to you anyway, I hope you do make new friends and 2014 can be better for you. Its so ****ty being alone.


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## botok (Dec 18, 2013)

freakamidget said:


> Ok gang, I've spent the afternoon on meetup.com. There;s loads of meetups in my area. Abit worried about the age gap because most people that use them are seemingly quite older. But I'll give it a go. I also booked myself a sewing class so we'll see if I make friends on that, but it could be old mums hah.


I feel the same way, a lot of people in their 40's and 50's and even 60s . I just make the best of it and try not to have too high expectations. Try it once, if it sucks, don't go back


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## Mirizzle (Dec 7, 2013)

I haven't had any luck meeting friends through school, maybe because everyone in my school is so competitive. Are there any friends you could make through work. Also consider neighbors, or friends of friends. I've also been on MeetUp and I've had quite a bit of success from it. I'm not going to say I've made a ton of friends on there but I still keep in contact with a good amount. Also I'd have to say age doesn't really matter when it comes to friendship, my neighbor and I often stop by each others houses just to have a couple of drinks and talk. Despite there being a couple of decades between us, I consider her a very good friend of mine. 

Making friends is going to be a lot of hard work on your part, but you've already started by putting yourself out there and attending the groups  find people you have something, anything in common with and keep in touch via the phone or internet. It's amazing what a single phone call can do to spark a friendship!


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## fm5827 (Mar 7, 2011)

How about playing a sport? I have made some friends from my sports team the last couple of years, they have dinners and parties etc. that I've been invited to and thats helped me be a lot more social.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

I don't know what sport is


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

Rich91 said:


> You dont really make friends in adulthood tbh, its more just people you know or associates. Nobody cares much for friends or anything in adulthood as the majority of people already have friends. There will be some people out there who are after new friends but they are few and far between.
> 
> Proper friends are made growing up, once you reach a certain age the making new friends becomes hard, almost impossible. It also can make finding a relationship impossible because if a person has no friends then nobody know who they are which raises red flags, it will be like being a drifter and not many people like drifters.


I completely disagree with you. It is never too late to have friends and people with this attitude shouldn't be surprised if they are unable to make friends.


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

prettyful said:


> I completely disagree with you. It is never too late to have friends and people with this attitude shouldn't be surprised if they are unable to make friends.


But people have set social circles and they dont want new friends cos they already have friends. Everybody disagrees with me here all the time.


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## anyoldkindofday (Dec 16, 2012)

Sure people already have social circles, doesn't mean they mind someone tagging along, if they think you're likeable. The hard part is finding people you're compatible with (and with a negative attitude it gets harder).


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

My advice, first Stop striving for "Proper friends" or some sort of idealised version of friendship. There is no formula for that, there are things you can do to maximize your enjoyment of your relationships with people as they are and let them grow and develop into what they are meant to be. 

Second, don't listen to the haters that say you can not make friends as an adult. Yes it is somewhat harder to form friendships now that we're not little children, I mean when we were kids {for those of us who had good childhoods} our biggest worry was how tall we could build a lego tower or that mom was going to make brussel sprouts as the side dish at supper. Friendship was as simple as "We're playing Ninja Turtles, we need a Raphael!" and there you went. 

We're more reserved as adults. You can't go from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds. Unless you happen to really really really luck out. Most people need to be exposed to you afew times. 

So you do your meetup thing, or taking classes, truely be present and enjoy the class/activity for what it it is. THis means you have to pick something you really are interested in doing/learning. So even if you come out of it with not longterm friendships you still have an experience that you are glad to have had. 

Next, be friendly to everyone even if you don't see being friendship long term. This is practice, this is getting you out of your shell. Smile and express genuine interest in how they are, truely listen when they talk so you can ask thoughtful follow up questions. 

If there is an intiator in a group, be a yes man. If someone says "Hey lets go for coffee after class...." say yes. 

Now this is the hard part if no one initiates... then try and work out the courage to suggest things. If you get shot down (which happens... I won't lie about that) don't take it to heart but a casual "Hey... there's a new icecream parlor down the street... anyone want to check it out" and see if anyone bites... 

Say yes to invites even if you think people are "just being nice" I started doing that, trust me there were some shocked "Oh you showed up" when I first started. But I got to know people a little better none of these people ended up being my best friends... but it just helped... people knew me just that little bit better. I felt just that little bit 'safer'. You might have one more friendly face in a crowd. 

Know that it is EXHAUSTING doing things, it is hard, breaking out of your routine, and doing things you aren't uncomfortable with, with no gaurantee'd results. And I understand that... 

But when things finally click, your glad that they did. 

Honestly if I think about my BEST friends other than my childhood BFF I made them all as an adult. And no, I didn't have the childhood BFF around as a sidekick to help me out we lived in very different geographical locations at the time. 

Basically never give up, never surrender... there are so many different people out there it will take time to find people you click with but its not impossible. 

Sorry for the long post... I just really want you to know that its not impossible to make friends as an adult. It's not easy but it is NOT impossible.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

Thank you for the advice awkwardsilent. So in what ways did you make friends as an adult?


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

When I was your age my friends were mostly people I met through school and/or church group. The school friends usually I needed help, like I'd missed a lecture and I asked different people for notes, which lead to studying together and eventually with some of them doing non-school related things together. The Church group thing we did a lot of volonteer work and so got to know the people my own age, they were all really kind people in general so that was nice. 


Post college...

Through Work - We don't really hang out, outside of work... but we all care about each other. I go to lunch sometimes with one of my coworkers maybe 4 times a year. Sometimes we go for drinks and we all know about each others lives to some degree or another. (Know who they're kids are , etc) 


Through Volonteer Stuff - I volonteered with a childrens organization honestly the first 4 years I did I didn't really make friends with my fellow volonteers. 3 years ago I ended up working with people I "clicked" with and thats been awesome. Also just helping out with stuff randomly people like someone who is kind. 


Through workout classes, I became a regular attendee at a certain class, despite being obese I rock the workout. I have a lot of acquaintances I've made that way, a couple of those transitioned into friendships. 

Drinking... lol Seriously one of my best friends, I bought a ticket to a fundraiser happened to be bored out of my mind, so was she, we both over-drank because of the boredom, we bonded... it was one of those rare instant things. My other friends that I've made through drinking is... I love to dance, I don't care that I look stupid when there is only a couple people on the dance floor I HIGHLY prefer dancing to talking so... I've made friends with the other gals that are the same. Again we don't really hang out outside of the bar that we frequent but we are always happy to see each other. 

Everyone else i met through friends of the friends I made those ways. 

I wake up and wonder how I got so lucky sometimes, I remember forcing myself to the grocery store and just promising myself I would smile at three people. I really do remember those days.


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

Thanks for the advice awkwardsilent.

Like most new years resolution, my motivation for this has fallen by the wayside. I was meant to be going to a meetup today but I mentally couldnt take it as I started a new job this week and I just couldn't take more socialisation.

I do have a meetup on monday and I've paid for this one so theres no way I can duck out of it so we will see how that goes.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*yeah - could be key*

within or beyond comfort zone
are both advantageous.

Got a random "MEETUP" email today. Maybe I see 99% as junk

From this thread, you've fired up my progress thoughts. 
My efforts seem to prove evidentially futile. Anything I do, want, need, can, could, should...
reaps nothing. I seem to be born to a life of luck only. 1% positive.

Hmmm... new year: each one always leads downways


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

i'm so nervous about the meetup tomorrow night 

its also after work which means I'll get home late so I won't be able to unwind and spend hours online. I hate breaking my routine it makes me feel super anxious.


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## ChuckBrown (Jul 2, 2013)

freakamidget said:


> i'm so nervous about the meetup tomorrow night
> 
> its also after work which means I'll get home late so I won't be able to unwind and spend hours online. I hate breaking my routine it makes me feel super anxious.


I can totally relate to not having the unwind time. I recently signed up for a guitar lesson that is later in the evening. I am already freaking out about what time I'll get home.


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

Look up and memorize some jokes to tell, even to strangers. I did that one night, asked 2 couples if they wanted to hear a joke, I told them and they laughed.

Felt kind of strange not laughing myself......have to work on that


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## freakamidget (Nov 25, 2013)

Update: So far I have made 0 progress. I was supposed to go to 2 meetups and now I've chickened out. I feel like I've lost motivation.


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

twitchy666 said:


> within or beyond comfort zone
> are both advantageous.
> 
> Got a random "MEETUP" email today. Maybe I see 99% as junk
> ...


I swear your posts make about as much sense as Darth Vader in the ocean with his water pitcher.


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

Put yourself out there chick, try again, the only way you lose is when you stop trying. 

However if its too much maybe you still need more therapy/work on yourself to deal with the issues that make you scared to go to these activities you think you'll like?


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## rodarte (Jan 16, 2014)

I don't really bother with meetups because of the age gap, but at the same time if you go, you may have other people around your age gravitating to you that you can hit it off with. 

As for the post about not making friends as an adult, that is half true. The problem about not making friends during school is that it doesn't allow you to build the social skills to make friends as an adult. The reason it is also difficult is because the idea is having frequent exposure, which you do at school when all of you are guaranteed to be at the same place, same time regularly. While this is true with work, your colleagues can also be of a variety of ages so this is highly dependent on your luck/field (ex: people working in an art related industry in NYC will meet a lot of similar people vs. working at a laboratory in Charleston). 

A lot of people don't tend to stay in the same areas as well, some immigrating to an entirely different country and lifestyle. The thing is the majority of people with large social networks will be connected through others, so even then they aren't as available for friendship with a complete stranger. The whole idea is meeting at least one person who can pull you into their friends group. 

But yeah, don't keep it in your head that other people aren't available for friendship. They aren't actively looking, but they aren't going to count out a person they find likeable just because they haven't known them long. I know a guy who found a good friends group through his roommate (coincidentally, his roommate doesn't spend much time with the friend he was introduced to, yet he went on to meet every single one of that person's friends as well and secure lots of invites - very, very lucky tbh). 

And a lot of people tend to look for new friends that aren't from school simply because they outgrow each other. I had plans today that my friend cancelled on me and I'm legitimately angry about it and have to look for new friends despite us having a strong friendship for 6 or so years. Other few of my friends that I once got along with and still do, but we just have different interests and lead different lives. It's immensely frustrating though. And I really regret not branching out of my group when I had the chance in school...sigh.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Haha, I have it in my mind that I will try a meetup someday.

I know a couple people that have gone to meetups and they seem fine afterwards, if that helps. It wasn't the most horrifying event of their lives and they keep going to them. (and yes, they are socially anxious)

It's scary. I can't even get myself to look at meetups right now. I'm busy with other stressful things right now anyway. BUT, it's probably a good idea to just go. Don't think about it, just go.

I wish you luck and I hope you get out there and meet some nice people in one way or another.


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## Questionable (Jan 19, 2014)

Good thinking! 

I think it's true that it might be harder as a adult. But, that shouldn't stop you from doing so right? Not trying isn't going to do anything either.

So keep on trying, and don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't go that well. Just try to have a good time, and let the rest be bonus.


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