# The key is not to think



## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

Hey guys,

It's been a few days since I've been on these forums, and I can tell you that it's been actually very helpful for me to get away from here.

I've discovered recently that the more I was surrounded negative people with negative thoughts, the worse I felt. It's not a difficult idea to understand : emotions are contagious, and so are bad thoughts.

So what I did was to avoid any negative people, any negative thoughts in my mind, and to surround myself with happy people, people that are confident about themselves - we might even say cocky persons. Yeah, I like cocky persons, because they are light-hearted, they don't overthink, they know that they're not perfect, but they don't care and they show it ! That's what happiness is all about. It's about building a ladder to the Moon with the knowledge that you'll fail many times along the way, that you're not the first one to aim for the Moon and that you're not even the greatest or the most worthy person that tries, but you don't care because you just want to keep going. And why not ?

I've been doing great at my new "job". I've been meeting a lot of very awesome and very cocky and very funny and very _free_ people recently. And they passed their happiness onto me. I don't pretend not to have any problems. In fact, I know my problems very well but I chose not to care about them. Social anxiety is a vicious circle, and I now have the key to break free of its grasp.

The more you think about something, the more real this thing becomes. By not thinking about my insecurities anymore, I actually _lost_ them somewhere along the way ! Now when I go to a party, when I approach a very attractive woman, I don't need my fake extroverted skin anymore to ask them out, I just count to three, and I dive in head first. It's all about being charming, and not about trying to charm people. These two concepts are VERY different. And you can only become charming by letting go of your fears and embracing your new-found carefree attitude.

Being anxious is a totally normal and acceptable behavior. What is _not_ acceptable is that you let these fears sink deeply into your mind and welcome them to stay. I still have bad thoughts, but I chose not to care about them anymore (and I have severe social phobia). I tried a CBT therapy and I didn't like it, because you don't free yourself of your limiting thoughts by thinking even more about your limiting thoughts ! The day I learnt about my social anxiety is the day my social anxiety got worse and worse. Now, I just don't think about it. In fact, I don't think much at all these days, I just _do_. Being the movie critic of your life won't lead you anywhere. Only by taking the first role and _acting_ on your life, will you really overcome your SA.

My message isn't as clear as I wanted it to be, but it's getting late and I'm tired... Anyway, I hope that at least one person will catch what I'm trying to say, and that he/she will understand that it's easier to get better than what we might think, it just takes _action_ as opposed to speculation.

_P.S.: here's my favorite quote to illustrate what I just said. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story."_


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## SPC (May 14, 2011)

well said.


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## nessersqt (Jul 21, 2010)

I find the site helpful in that it helps me realize there are many people who feel the same way I do and that I'm not as "different" as I sometimes feel. This actually helps me not to think about my anxiety as much in social situations because I can accept anxiety as a normal human emotion (not a "disorder" I alone have to deal with) + just let it pass...


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## JenN2791 (Aug 21, 2011)

Very, very, very, very well-said...


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## moveon (Mar 28, 2009)

Preach!!! I will definitely keep this in mind. If you have anymore helpful things in mind just come to this site and write about them!


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## Michael James (Aug 6, 2011)

Aedan said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> It's been a few days since I've been on these forums, and I can tell you that it's been actually very helpful for me to get away from here.
> 
> ...


I completely agree!!


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## Marakunda (Jun 7, 2011)

Not to think? Hmm, thinking back I've never even tried that!

Worth a try I guess...


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## James_Russell (Aug 26, 2011)

Dwelling too much definitely isn't smart. Good advice.


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

Aedan said:


> In fact, I know my problems very well but I chose not to care about them. Social anxiety is a vicious circle, and I now have the key to break free of its grasp ... Being the movie critic of your life won't lead you anywhere.


 That's very good.


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## ASAR (Sep 14, 2010)

YES VERY TRUE ..I AGREE 100%

we need to stop thinking and start doing ..and keep on going! and best if we can be what we are but keep on going..without to much toughts..that way we show greath strenght and sign that we are determined to keep loving ourself no mather what and that we will go on no matter what


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

moveon said:


> Preach!!! I will definitely keep this in mind. If you have anymore helpful things in mind just come to this site and write about them!


I've done better than that : I've started a blog on social anxiety thanks to these positive feedback.

Here's my latest blog post : Self-Confidence Is Dead !


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## sapik (Aug 30, 2011)

Congratulation! This motivates me a little bit. Not to think is a good thinking. But it's hard!!

Great to see someone out there who actually overcome it!!


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

stop the thinking and start the doing...


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## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

I agree with you on essentially taking risks and being around people that are fun to be around. I just hope that you don't look down on deep thought and introspection. Too much introspection can lead to indecision, yes, but genuine thoughtfulness should not be shunned or condemned.

I am not defending social avoidance. I am defending the notion that having a certain personality is a bad thing.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

sherbert said:


> I agree with you on essentially taking risks and being around people that are fun to be around. I just hope that you don't look down on deep thought and introspection. Too much introspection can lead to indecision, yes, but genuine thoughtfulness should not be shunned or condemned.
> 
> I am not defending social avoidance. I am defending the notion that having a certain personality is a bad thing.


You're totally right, one shouldn't completely condemn introspection. What I say is that, from my experience with social anxiety, listening too much to your own thoughts is a bad, bad thing for someone with SA.

We already know that our thought process is ****ed up by misconceptions about ourselves and about how social interactions should work, so what I suggest is that we simply stop listening to these limiting thoughts.

This technique has helped me tremendously to break free of my crippling anxieties. But I also agree with you : once you've blocked your negative thoughts and start getting back on track again, introspection and deep-thinking is very valuable, as long as you know how to tell the difference between a fallacious thought and a legitimate one.

My last blog post (8 Tips For Being More Light-Hearted) gives practical advice for living in the moment.

It bears repeating that letting yourself be assaulted by your negative thoughts in the first phase of your healing process is a bad, bad thing to do.

When I kept thinking and planning and rehearsing in my mind why I was in that situation and what to do in order to get out of my social anxiety, I ended up doing nothing at all because, in my plans, everything came out wrong and I didn't try anything out. The day I stopped thinking so much about it, I started doing things, and _that_ is what helped me free myself of most of my anxieties.


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## ASAR (Sep 14, 2010)

stop thinking =stop using neural nets in brain=law of neuroplasticity starts to work ..

nerve cells that no longer fire together no longer wire together..
introspective and deep thinking is not desireable! 
also personality is only bunch of often ****y ideas and emotions,
its diesireable if we can change it ...

thinking should be used only as practical tool..
desireable is being!
in a state without thinking ..or in presence of our toughts........

advice aedan .stop talking about your experiances at all!! and stop reading .stop reminding your subconcios mind..


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

ASAR said:


> stop thinking =stop using neural nets in brain=law of neuroplasticity starts to work ..
> 
> nerve cells that no longer fire together no longer wire together..
> introspective and deep thinking is not desireable!
> ...


Some people really _did_ stop thinking, it seems...


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## Syndacus (Aug 9, 2011)

ASAR is a troll. You're doing fine and I agree with you Aedan...If I can't stop thinking, I usually get busy with work so where I don't have to think about anything except doing my job right.


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## ASAR (Sep 14, 2010)

Xfixiate said:


> ASAR is a troll. You're doing fine and I agree with you Aedan...If I can't stop thinking, I usually get busy with work so where I don't have to think about anything except doing my job right.


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## P312 (Apr 17, 2010)

Great post man! We are the same age and let me tell you, I hope I can be more like you. I tend to think too much. There is times where it clears my head and others that I get confused and get anxious over nothing. Ive been more that 2 years since I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. I know what I need to do to overcome this, but I haven't done it. For instance, I know that I should be going out to meet new people and I should be doing more exercise (its great for me) but Im afraid of it. Afraid of being someone else and changing who I am, afraid of failure, etc, etc.

Well, anyway, thanks for your history, it has been inspiring.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

P312 said:


> Great post man! We are the same age and let me tell you, I hope I can be more like you. I tend to think too much. There is times where it clears my head and others that I get confused and get anxious over nothing. Ive been more that 2 years since I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. I know what I need to do to overcome this, but I haven't done it. For instance, I know that I should be going out to meet new people and I should be doing more exercise (its great for me) but Im afraid of it. Afraid of being someone else and changing who I am, afraid of failure, etc, etc.
> 
> Well, anyway, thanks for your history, it has been inspiring.


Thanks P312 ! I'm glad that you understood what I meant to say.

I'm sure that you've been thinking A LOT about how to overcome social anxiety, but you didn't do anything for more than two years. That's exactly what I'm trying to warn people from when I'm saying : less thinking, more doing.

Here's my latest blog article if you want to check it out : How To Be A Respected Man

It doesn't strictly deal with anxiety, but I tried to convey a message of hope in this blog post, and more than hope : a message of willpower.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

Life is full of unexpected events and sleights of hand. The most memorable encounters of our life happen when we least expect them.

Did you ever wonder how to "hack" your own life and be where you shouldn't be ?

And what to do in order to be meet these unexpected events that could potentially change your life ?

The answer might be simpler than you thought.



The Muted Bell : Why You Should Always Leave The Door Open

(Talk about a teaser ! That's it, I'm king of Awesome) :lol


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## mind_games (Nov 30, 2008)

ASAR said:


> stop thinking =stop using neural nets in brain=law of neuroplasticity starts to work ..
> 
> nerve cells that no longer fire together no longer wire together..
> introspective and deep thinking is not desireable!
> ...


Some people seem to have misunderstood this post (one non-native English speaker misunderstanding another non-native English speaker's English wording perhaps). There is no trolling there. ASAR was making a point about associative memory (which is what the vid he posted was about) and which is pretty much what Aedan is talking about. By "stop talking about your experiences at all!" he was saying that even talking/reading about experiences related to anxiety could fire up those memory/neural networks associated with anxiety and further reinforce them.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

mind_games said:


> Some people seem to have misunderstood this post (one non-native English speaker misunderstanding another non-native English speaker's English wording perhaps). There is no trolling there. ASAR was making a point about associative memory (which is what the vid he posted was about) and which is pretty much what Aedan is talking about. By "stop talking about your experiences at all!" he was saying that even talking/reading about experiences related to anxiety could fire up those memory/neural networks associated with anxiety and further reinforce them.


Yes that's true, I completely misundertood ASAR's post.

I thought he was trolling me by returning the argument of not thinking against me.

You should have told me that I misunderstood your post ASAR ! Anyway, now that I know what you mean, I agree with your concern about reminding the mind about negative thoughts just by reading about it, or blogging about it. And it's actually something that I've been thinking about each time I write about social anxiety.

But I avoid most of the ambient negativism (of this forum for example) by not reading the Frustration category or some really negative posts. Fortunately, this forums comes packed with much more people that are sincerely trying to overcome their anxiety than those who come here everyday to complain.

But yeah, the day I feel that, by writing about social anxiety, my own SA starts resurfacing and getting over-the-top, then I'll stop thinking about it and get on with my life. But right now, I just feel a drive to help people with my thoughts on this topic.

And thank you mind_games for gently correcting my mistake.


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## blankety blank (Aug 30, 2011)

I agree, not thinking is the way to go.


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## SMOOZIE (May 26, 2011)

I have arrived to the same conclusion, bro. Let go of revolving around the concept SA and follow your bliss instead.


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## ASAR (Sep 14, 2010)

thank you mind_games for your help! and im sorry Aedan if i didnt explain myself good enogh . 
all the very best.


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## dutchguy (Jun 8, 2009)

Thanks men!

Recently I read a book which states"We are NOT human beings, we are human doings". And maybe that's just true.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

*It's Not About The Tools*



In photography as in life, no amount of theoretical knowledge will ever get you as far as experimenting by yourself.

But do you need to be equipped with a bazooka to open a simple door ?

 Continue reading >>


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## Insanityonthego (Jul 5, 2010)

I 100% agree with you! Getting out of this forum for a while did it for me. Now I'm back to tell my success.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

I guess there could be only one conclusion to this dichotomy between "not thinking" and "writing a blog".

Like Asar said, I'd be better off if I just stopped thinking about my old social anxiety and really move on.

So I'm putting an end to my blog - that way, I'll have more time for me. Here's my last post if you want to check it out : Moving On.

Actually, I'll just paste it here...



> Hi guys,
> 
> This will probably be my very last post. A lot of things are advancing in my life (for the best) and I'm getting bored speculating about how one should live his life. I have a dozen preliminary drafts on topics such as _happiness__, seduction, career_, etc. that will probably go unfinished.
> 
> ...


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## rosettas stoned (Jan 16, 2011)

My SA definitely got worse once I started thinking about how it was a problem, and putting a label to it... damnit, brain!


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## DK3 (Sep 21, 2011)

Great inspiring post and a lot of logic and common sense in there too.

Reminds me of a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" which is basically the same message, don't hide from your fear, accept it but just do it anyway and the fear losses its power and gradually subsides the more times you challenge and ignore it. 

This approach definitely does work but it does take some guts and requires you to be brave and step outside your comfort zone. The trick is I think to do it gradually and build up to bigger challenges so your confidence grows. 

I agree with the original poster, that negative thinking and thought patterns/behaviour just reinforces the "I can't" "I'm inadequate" self-image and limits further what you can do. A long time ago, maybe 20 years now when I was at my lowest point with SA, I listened to those thoughts and negative beliefs until it got to the point where I was pretty much a prisoner in my bedroom and couldn't even face my family. Believe it or not, I spent 6 years of my life living like that. That's a perfect example of how if you give in to your fears your world gets smaller and smaller until eventually you become dehumanized and unable to face anyone.

Whatever you can do, however small is a positive step to keeping your world open and challenging the fear. Even if it's just going outside to put some rubbish out or an early morning run around the block.


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

Ok guys, it's been about six months since the first post of this thread and I thought I'd update you on my progress.

But first, here's a pic of me with some of my friends !










I'll be quick and to the point.

Self-help books won't experience your life for you. They are sometimes very helpful when you are stuck somewhere and that you know how to use them, but most of the time you will end up reading countless books on every subject at hand to get you ready for life, but the wait and the knowledge of everything that could go wrong will glue you to your chair and you'll end up reading yet another "self-help" book because you'll feel like it'll make you a better person, while in fact you're just avoiding life altogether.

That's what I mean when I say that the key to freeing yourself from social anxiety is not to think. Take a deep breath, relax, take things with lightheartedness and always a good sense of humor, and everything will be smooth and easy !

Oh yeah, another piece of advice : stop reading about other people's problems. It might make you feel better for a short period of time to know that you are not alone in your ****, but at the end of the day, you will feel even more depressed because, as I said earlier in this thread, emotions are contagious. 

As soon as I stopped identifying myself as socially anxious, I started feeling much better surprisingly fast. I wasn't another awkward guy anymore, I was just a normal guy, with normal problems, normal anxiety, a normal desire to have friends.

No amount of cheap tricks on how to cope with your social anxiety can beat the simple willingness to become who you truly are. Purposely excluding yourself from a social group that gives you fake comfort is the first and only step to breaking free of anything. I wrote in my blog that one of the characteristics that define a man worthy of respect is that he can get rid of anything that slows him down, even if it means abandoning a short-term comfort for long-term happiness.

And here I go again, rambling and rambling... I guess I'll never change on that point ! 

Have fun guys ! 

I'll leave you with a quote from Don Herold (I don't know who's this guy btw) that I just picked up on the internet :




> A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.


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## BoringBum (Jan 10, 2011)

Man, I think what you wrote hear is what Buddhism kind of gets into - not letting yourselves become overburdened by your thoughts and certain labels that you give yourself! Great man, I hope you keep it up and keep improving.


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## BoringBum (Jan 10, 2011)

Ok, read the update. Great job, many could benefit from your words of wisdom.


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## Quinn the Eskimo (Jan 22, 2012)

i think youre on to somethin here


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## MakeloveNotWar (Mar 30, 2012)

Too much thinking about anxiety worsens it.. I think you may be right. When I wake up in the morning my brain feels fresh and clear, I don't feel anxious. After a few minutes I begin thinking about the day ahead and start to worry. I think the key is to keep that ‘clear' state of mind throughout the day. I will give it a go.
I can't even put the bin out without THINKING about it and worrying. =)


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## LukeT (Mar 31, 2012)

thank you


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

I'm reading a book at the moment. It's called Unstoppable Confidence and it teaches you how to shift your paradigm from "shy" to confident.

I've only just started the book but I want to share with you a quote that will help you get out of your shyness, social anxiety, or whatever you want to name it.



> Some people label themselves as having a "shy gene". Many people simply accept their shyness and rationalize it by saying, "That's just the way I am." What a loaded phrase. These people need to stop saying that. It's as if they are chanting a negatively reinforcing mantra. The real secret is that it's a broken affirmation that keeps people stuck.
> 
> Let me tell you about the myth of "I'm shy." It's an excuse that enables people to stay stuck. Shy is not a trait; it's only a way of acting. If you can act one way, that means you can act another way too. Shy is a behavioral mode; it's not an adjective that describes a person.
> 
> It's not a state of being. It's a way of acting. You can behave in a confident manner too. You always have that choice. People locked into the "I'm shy" excuse don't realize they have the choice.


Now I know that this forum makes you feel accepted and understood. But don't stay here too long - only long enough to understand that you have a problem and start looking for solutions. Don't wallow yourself in self-pity. If something in your life bothers you, get rid of it and don't look back.

Confidence is not the absence of fear. Confidence, for me, is to accept your fears as an integral part of your life, and to bring them under control by acting as if they didn't matter, because they really don't.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

thanks for sharing! I gotta start trying this.


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