# My counsellor confuses me



## Revan (Jun 28, 2009)

Hi. I was wondering if anyone could perhaps relate to what I'm going through with my counsellor. I feel very confused when I'm in counselling and it's all driving me round the bend. Normally, I find it extremely difficult to open up to counsellors or therapists out of the fear of being judged but lately I've just thought "To hell with it!" and let loose on a lot of stuff I've kept bottled up inside for years. And at first, I felt relieved. It felt like I had taken a great weight off my shoulders and I could think clearly for the first time in my life and breathe more calmly. And then the whole thing just started getting really weird. Take today, for instance. I show up in a relatively good mood. Okay, I'm not absolutely beaming but I'm not sad either and she says "You still don't look happy." as if she expects me to go around with a great big smile stuck on my face 100% of the time. So I say that to her, I say "It's not like I can go around looking like this -  ALL the time." To which she replies: "I was merely making an observation, you sounded very defensive." And from there, it feels like I'm suddenly involved in this game of chess with my counsellor, trying to one-up the other.

So then it's like she's pushing my buttons and questioning everything I'm saying to the point that I just go blank and sit there for the majority of the time we have left, and then I started crying while telling her I really felt like nothing, nobody...like I literally do not exist. I feel very hollow and just can't seem to understand a damn thing about life...other people...myself. It's as though I'm unable to really do anything except just sit here waiting to die.

So I spent most of the afternoon just drifting around like a zombie, feeling slightly annoyed at times because I feel like she took something away from me. It's like "How in the blue hell did I go from feeling all nice and loving and compassionate this morning to...this? What the hell happened here?"

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a thread on here. Didn't get much response but it was about how I was feeling really disillusioned from reality and concerned for my mental wellbeing. I told her how I was feeling like I was going through some kind of psychotic episode and she questioned that too, making it seem like I was just latching onto that as an excuse for everything. She said something like: "What I'm hearing is, you're not going through a psychotic episode, you were just going through something which felt new and different and very scary so you've withdrawn back into yourself."

I admit, I am scared...scared of her...and I'd like to tell her this lest she break this apart too. Half the time I'm there, I just feel like shouting: "SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!! WHAT, DO I HAVE TO BE DEAD TO AVOID YOUR COMMENTARY ON EVERY LITTLE ****ING THING I SAY AND DO?!!! YOU'RE LIKE MY ****ING MOTHER!!!!"

I'm afraid to continue counselling. Probably going to print this out and read it to her next time I see her.

My God...just reading that last statement though...I think I see the problem...and I think it's the same problem I end up taking into every friendship/relationship/social situation. I'm projecting my own feelings about my mother onto every ****ing person I meet. I think I've just answered my own question but I also felt like I needed to get that off my chest.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

That doesn't seem right. I had someone keep doing similar and my mental health deteriorated and I waited too long to leave. I wouldn't automatically assume most of the problem lies with you or projecting your mother onto others.


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## red shoes (Jun 18, 2012)

I can understand how you feel, I left my therapist for the same reason, she wasn t helping me at all, but made me feel worst, never even told me my diagnosis, never had any real input during the sessions, refused to give a diagnosis even for my insurance company, so I decided to just leave, on our last sessions I told her all my frustrations related to her but she never even listened just told that my mother is to blame for all my problems, she has nothing to do with them! So I guess it s also my mother s fault that she never gave me a diagnosis, a real treatment, a phone number to contact her when I had an emergency? I had a really bad episode after one of our session and I could contact her since she never told me I can contact her, so I ended up almost losing my mind, my husband was abroad, and I hardly could take care of my sick kid, but of course she took no responsibility in all these, so I decided to just leave even before the session ended, I payed her said goodbye and left, she never even looked into my eyes, never even said goodbye. So I guess if you feel uncomfortable for any reason with your therapist just run!!! Run for your own sanity! Some of them are sicker then their patients! I can understand that in some cases they are unable to help us, but they don t have any right to make us feel miserable!


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## Revan (Jun 28, 2009)

I'm actually beginning to realize that my counsellor may be manipulating me. And here's why I think so:

Every time I go into a session, no matter what I talk about, she ALWAYS manages to tie it into my home situation with my family. Since I started counselling, my situation with my family has deteriorated. We've had arguments, fallings out and at the moment, the majority of my family are upset with me because of some things I said to my mother about a week ago. It's like she's getting some kind of sick pleasure out of playing me off against my family. Even if they have got absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with anything, she manages to make me doubt them.

One BIG red flag for me was when I started to doubt my own sanity so much that I went into hospital after calling the crisis team and saw 2 workers from the local community mental health team. After I told her about this, her reaction was: A) "Why didn't you feel you could call me instead of the crisis team?" and B) "I'd advise you to think strongly before seeing anyone from CMHT and getting put on any kind of medication." I mean, WTF?! Would a counsellor/therapist even be allowed to say that? As though she's trying to reassure me that her way is the ONLY way.

I talked about all these weird trippy experiences I've been having with my thinking and she just dismissed those and made me look silly for even bringing them up. Like "Pfft! You're not having a psychotic episode. You just got scared of facing up to the truth so you ran away." (Not exactly those words but it was implied I was running away instead of facing up to myself.)

The last time I went in, I was relatively upbeat but she continued to press on about how "unhappy" I looked, making me doubt everything and she deconstructed this so much that by the end of the appointment, I felt so empty and worthless I was in tears.

I started to become distant and distrustful of her during sessions so I started holding back. She picked up on this and seemed to threaten withdrawal from counselling, saying: "Well, then why are we even continuing?"

Sounds like she's gaslighting to be honest. I mean, yeah I have familial issues but they've actually gotten WORSE since I started her counselling. I agree with you guys. Something just doesn't seem right here. It's like she's been pushing this "personal-responsibility" thing onto me so much that I've actually started questioning EVERY emotional reaction I have as though it's an overreaction on MY part. So as a result I've shifted from repressing my emotions to repressing any physical reactions I get which has resulted in this intense pressure headache. I think it was my brain's way of telling me I was on the way to suffering a brain hemorrhage.

Yeah, just...wow. I mean, I got the impression something wasn't quite right with her before but couldn't quite place my finger on it. But now I'm thinking that she's just sick in the head or something. So what now? Should I report her? I don't want to just jump in making accusations like this but I just do not trust this woman and if she has been twisting my reality with her Jedi mind tricks then she should not be allowed to continue doing this to other people.


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## PitaMe (Sep 3, 2008)

I think you should make a list of all the reasons why she has you questioning her therapy abilities and read them to her in your next session. Maybe she doesn't realize the affect its having on you. And if nothing else, to see how she responds. But if you don't want to do that, then just start searching for another therapist. Tell her you don't understand her approach and think it would be better if you saw someone else you actually got along with and didn't make you feel as if you are getting worse. You don't have to stay if you are not benefiting from the sessions.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

That sounds like my one. The treatment was almost the same. Now I'm wondering if you live anywhere near there :um. Find someone else to talk to about it in that field for their perspective.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

Therapeutic Milieu?


Develop insight into self.
Engage in problem solving.
Improve self-esteem.
Plan adaptive coping skills.
Express and examine feelings.


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## EZRAT (Jun 17, 2011)

Just over a year ago I was going through a tough time not (directly) related to my anxiety. My team leader noticed and recommended me to a counsellor through work so I accepted the offer and went to my first session. I had the same experience as you - my counsellor ended up angering/upsetting me more than before I went! I spoke to the people in charge and got another counsellor who really helped me. Is this not an option for you? There's no reason why you should have to confront her directly.


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## Revan (Jun 28, 2009)

I left. Whatever happened, whether it was manipulation or just a breakdown in communication, I'm taking away a lesson from it. This whole mess happened because I didn't trust my own judgement and instead I went by someone else's...evaluation of me. Probably a good thing for me.


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

I told my therapist that I want to die but that I'm not suicidal. She asked me why I wouldn't kill myself several times. I know that she didn't mean it in a negative way, but I had still had thoughts of the possibility that she was trying to tell me that I should kill myself. I told her about this, that I don't like her asking me why I don't do it and told her about the thoughts I had, she said she was glad I spoke about this, and that she won't ask me why I won't kill myself anymore, she said she wanted me to give her reasons why I should live, but I didn't think that, I just started having thoughts of ways I would die even though I'm not suicidal in the first place, never was.

YOU SHOULD TELL HER ABOUT THIS. You are paying, you want an explanation from her, you want her to know she is making you feel uncomfortable.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Revan said:


> I left. Whatever happened, whether it was manipulation or just a breakdown in communication, I'm taking away a lesson from it. This whole mess happened because I didn't trust my own judgement and instead I went by someone else's...evaluation of me. Probably a good thing for me.


Are you sure it wasn't a false belief that started this mess?
If you said that your project your mother's thoughts onto friendships, who is to say you didn't do this to your counselor.

I still project and I shouldn't - but it's a habit that needs to be broken.

I'd call this a breakthrough for you and keep going - I don't think there is manipulation. She may be trying to help you.


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## j a m (Jan 26, 2012)

Sometimes it doesn't work out. Be a friend to yourself and find someone new. You don't owe her anything beside the fee.


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## Revan (Jun 28, 2009)

Oh, I wasn't paying. It was free and set up by a local charity. I don't believe in paying for therapy tbh but that's another story.

It was me and my refusal to take responsibility for myself. The very first session we had, I talked to her about a bunch of stuff. How I get fed up of society's expectations and she said "It sounds like you're very unsure of who to be." So I just went with what she said without questioning it and started to think that I had some kind of personality disorder, and I spent the past few months going through an identity crisis. But then this past week I traced all of this back to that first session and said to myself: "Hang on. No! I've always known who to be. I just never felt that it was ever good enough for anyone else."

The good thing is that I'm coming out of this feeling a little bit stronger and more confident in myself and my own beliefs. When it comes to my mother...I have my own opinions about some of her parenting methods but I don't think she's entirely to blame like my counsellor seemed to be getting at. I went a while feeling really angry with her, thinking she messed me up but all things considered, my upbringing wasn't that bad. Again, something I could have prevented by speaking up and telling my counsellor that I disagreed with what she was getting at.

Whatever happened happened, and I'm not going to dwell on it too much. In the meantime, I'll just continue to work on myself and also seek out a counsellor or therapist I can trust and open up to.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Revan said:


> I left. Whatever happened, whether it was manipulation or just a breakdown in communication, I'm taking away a lesson from it. *This whole mess happened because I didn't trust my own judgement* and instead I went by someone else's...evaluation of me. Probably a good thing for me.


This is such a good insight. I can relate to it also. Sometimes you have to remember who you are and not listen to others because they can mess with your head (which sounds like that's what she ended up doing, even if it wasn't on purpose). I've had it happen with therapists and it really makes me feel much crazier than I really am. I had to get away--and I regain the level of sanity I had before. It is easy tho in therapy to be very impressionable when it comes to their opinion of us because they are an authority figure and we go there with a pre-set trust of their judgment. So, when later you find out they are wrong, it takes a little longer to "undo" the damage they did. I myself am always so shocked by their insensitivity. I have this (unrealistic) expectation that therapists should be/are sensitive. Well, not all of them are!

On projecting....being questioned about every little thing would be annoying or frustrating to ANYONE. But because your mother may have done that, you may be projecting a bit. You are just a little more sensitive to it. BUT, you have every right to be annoyed when someone does that! Being annoyed about it isn't wrong or unhealthy. (I just wanted to reassure you about that.) Sometimes people really ARE annoying! 

I think it's good you left this relationship--sounds too frustrating to bother continuing with. Good for you.


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