# I don't like the person I am.



## Azul91 (Oct 16, 2012)

I've spoken to 3 different doctors, one was a psychotherapist and 2 were psychiatrists. One of them said I had a mood disorder and an anxiety disorder, another one just said I was depressed, and the 3rd said I was bipolar 2. Now I am just confused. Based on your experiences, I was wondering what you guys thought I am. Thank you.

My main problem right now is too many emotions all at once in my head, and I feel it spinning.


I don't really understand what is going on with me. I am currently in treatment and taking Prozac and Risperidone. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and a mood disorder. Things were fine at first with the medication, I have been on it since October 2012, but things seem different now. 

All I want to do is be in my room, because I feel safe, calm, and peace, I force myself to go out with friends, but I usually end up thinking about going home, like there isn't enough time to be in my room, like time is running out. I feel emotionless at times, but wanting to care and have all those feelings.

I feel like there are two people inside of me. One is a gentle, caring, loving person with dreams and aspirations who wants to have friends and just enjoy life in general (that's the real me). Then there is another person, who has dark feelings, who wants to act out, and just ruin things, and makes others' as miserable as I am, sometimes even wanting to hurt people and their lives (although I could never go through with it). That dark person is there and I guess is in "check" because I've never done anything bad to anyone, and I don't think I could, but that doesn't take away the fact that I have those feelings.

I am a very sensitive person, anything anyone says negative about me hurts me (even if it's not personal), to the point where it will take me into a small depression. My moods swings have gone away with the medications, but many times I feel many different emotions all at once, anger, sadness, joy.

I am a liar, I lie even if I don't have to. At my job I lie about where I am from, what I do, what school I go to, sometimes what my goals are, I lie and say I speak more languages than I actually do, and I do it for no reason, only to make myself look better, and I keep doing it even If I don't have to. I do know the difference between my lies and my reality.

I spend most of my time in my head, creating scenes, making my life in my head the way I think it should be, the way I want it to be, I could spend a lot of time do in it, it brings some sort of joy in to my life, although I can't explain how. I am the person I want to be in my head, but again I know the difference between my fantasy world and reality.

I have a hard time talking about my emotions face to face, which is why I haven't been able to talk to my psychiatrist about this. I was wondering if you could give me an idea of that is going on with me. Thank you.

I'm 21, and this is such a struggle.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It's a struggle we all face.
The key is to like yourself for who you are today, knowing that you can always strive for improvement. Little by little, you can see your accomplishments.


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## Ramondo (Feb 16, 2011)

Azul91 said:


> I have a hard time talking about my emotions face to face, which is why I haven't been able to talk to my psychiatrist about this.


This is probably the thing you need to work on most. Yes, it's hard. But he's seen it all before, so I'm sure he'll cope with whatever you present to him. You'll end up getting a more accurate diagnosis and treatment.


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## thislittlegirl (Dec 1, 2012)

I guess part of it kind of seems like insecurity. It seems like you lie maybe partially because you're disappointed that the model person in your head is not who you think you are in person. Maybe something good would be trying to make some new friends or meet some people who may be different than who you currently know. It is always refreshing to see who else is out there in the world, since if you're just "forcing" yourself to hang out with friends, then I guess on some level there is a connection that you aren't getting from them.


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## AlphaHydrae (Jun 15, 2011)

I think in a way I'm very much like you. 
TBH, if the pills aren't helping you , you should just stop since they have more side effects than taking none. My parents were always against me seeing a psychiatrist, no doc had ever diagnosed me and i'm still in the same situation. 

I cannot express how much I feel you. I cannt express how much I HATE myself. The two inside of you, dark and light, one wants, sadness, one wants happiness. the conflicting self, the irony that comes to your mind in every situation. Is irritating and frustrating. 

Being sensitive and lying about everthing, i think is a way you protect yourself from harm. (sadly, i want to lie a lot but my conscious is always there to catch me) 

I have problems telling people how i truly feel and the emotions, in more detail. the dark me, the me that wants to kill and destroy (though of course i won't duh -.- ) you just want to feel some sort of power? 

You are most definitely not satisfied with life. and probably at this point in life hardly anything pleases you, you are broken. sort of like beyond repair? 

Reality vs fantasy is also the other conflict in your mind. I want to live in my fantasy, but reality checks here and there. Parents and friends are all so realistic. 

To live life in your own fantasy means failure in reality, but because you need to live in reality, you are giving up your fantasy which makes your disappoint at this world, life and causes all that pain. 

I actually just thought to myself. I'm going to live by my rules, I;m going to live in my fantasy only if I can sustain myself in reality with the basic minimal requirement.


sorry if it's all muddled up... havent slept, mind is kinda all over the place..


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## Hamster12 (Jun 11, 2012)

Maybe you should print out what you wrote and tell your psychiatrist that it's hard to express in words so you've printed it? Maybe take out the bit about harming others because there are probably protocols they have to follow about stuff like that, tho I dont know anything about it.


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## pudderkiz (Jun 18, 2012)

If you dont start trying to like yourself, no one will. Besides, feelings of imperfection can be good things in terms of productivity, if we all were constantly satisfied with life we would never progress, for better or worse I suppose.


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## irandom97 (Jan 28, 2012)

This post is so relatable to me right now, thanks so much for starting this thread. I've had anxiety since grade 9, and it was mostly due to me feeling like there is 2 people inside of me that want different things. One wants to be a vegetarian, save the world, make music.... but on the other hand I just really don't want to give a **** about everything and not be such an emotional ***** but I am. I'm torn between 2 types of people I want to be, and over months it piles up and now it's to the point where I get frustrated over the littlest things and get angry when people tell me I'm selfish, but I know I am. I'm just so goddamn emotional and it just feels like it's not the person I am. Then I just become lazy and not want to do anything

I'm such a socially anxious **** and i hate it. I want to express myself in ways that I'm comfortable with, but I get too much adrenaline when I'm anxious and I start stuttering and just feel like I don't have the right facial expressions. 

When my anxiety started I thought i had depersonalization disorder. Seeing things from a birds eye view. But then i went on meds, and things got better, then I had a really strong epiphany and was really happy, then it just kind of faded away slowly, i forgot the epiphany I had, and either felt "ok" or just sad and wanting the day to end.

I'm left handed and i think thats the reason why I am smart in right-brained subjects while making it seem like i lack common sense. I'm not an idiot but **** am I good at looking like one.


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