# Therapy for fear of connecting.. eye contact etc



## nervousman (Jun 9, 2010)

My last therapist did CBT with me, but when I mentioned my problem making eye contact with people, he seemed confused and wasn't any help. Has anyone talked to a therapist about this befre? Were they any help? What did they have you do? Please helppppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm of the mentally crazy lol


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## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

I'm having a problem with my therapist too. Just posted this thread.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f43/therapist-doesnt-give-me-guidance-100457/

Have you directly asked them how they plan to help you? Do they specialize in helping people with self confidence issues? I would think eye contact problems stem from self confidence (I'm no therapist) so s/he didn't offer any suggestions?

I had to get bold today and ask my therapist about her goals and question the approach (something I should have done early on.) It took guts and after all that her answer was very vague. I am thinking of ending it with her but you have to be upfront and ask for what you want and find out what his/her plan is for helping you with your problem. Don't be afraid to ask. You're paying for help.


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## BlueJayWay (Mar 24, 2010)

When I was still seeing a therapist, I think I mentioned it and they basically said 'it will come with confidence' (or something along those lines, saying practise everything else and it will start to become more natural).
I didn't think this was very helpful, but it's probably true. I don't know if there's a quicker way to work on just that, I'm sure they'd just say try to always look people in the eye, or something obvious like that.


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## EmptyRoom (Jul 28, 2010)

I talked about how big of a problem eye contact was for me to my therapist. He suggested that I practice and take slow steps, such as looking into the eyes of people for 3 seconds without looking away.
To say in the least, it didn't work out much for me.


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

^ yeah, I don't think that alone will work. Social anxiety does not work like simple phobias, which can be extinguished by repeated exposure. 

I've only recently been able to really make eye contact with people while out walking around, and in classrooms, and it's been amazing. And I feel much less anxiety about talking to people also, though I still have a ways to go. 

My experience was that therapy helped dampen down some of this relentless self-criticism, which as I've read, sets off your threat system (causing lots of anxiety). When you're anxious, and imagining criticism from everyone, it's going to be hard to make eye contact with them. You can force yourself to do it, but it does NOT feel good!

Depending on how deeply rooted your negative thoughts are, you might be able to get the same benefit from doing cognitive therapy on your own (eg the workbook Mind Over Mood), which helps you challenge negative thoughts, by seeing more of the whole picture, and not mind-reading so much. 

And another book I'm reading suggests practicing compassion (for yourself and others), like the Buddhists do, because that activates the comfort system of the brain, which puts you in a relaxed state. And that helps a lot with connecting to people through body language (including eye contact).


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## destroyer09 (Sep 18, 2010)

*this is what i learned*

I started looking threw people. I mean I would look them in the eyes but pretend I was looking threw them to something else behind them. I did this only until I got comfortable with making eye contact. Then I noticed how much the person I was talking to breaks eye contact. I do it is often as they do but I let them see me do it so they stay comfortable. After a while u want have to think about it.

But know this u need to transition from looking threw them to looking at them via the eyes. That is if u want to connect with that person.


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## johnmcclane (Apr 6, 2009)

If you're not happy with your therapist, bring up your concern in therapy. If they give you an explanation, and you're still not satisfied, LEAVE. Find someone else. Just because they have degreees doesn't make them a good therapist.


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## solitarymonkey (Feb 15, 2009)

3 seconds is quite a long time. i'd say start off with just 1 second first and work your way up, and too much eye contact can be a bad thing anyway. i rarely keep it longer than 4 or 5, even with people i'm really close to. and to start with dont make eye contact. practice by looking "through" their eyes. look at them, but imagine that they visually arent there and look at the wall or whatever it is that's behind them, through their eyes. just briefly at first. 
just a thought?


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

I have heard that if you look at someone in the middle of their forehead, it appears to them that you are looking into their eyes. (experiment with someone you know to find out if this is true and how to do it the right way) So this may be more comfortable at first, but I think whoever said to start with 1 second of eye contact is a good idea. I can look in people's eyes now, but there was a time i avoided eye contact with everyone everywhere. i felt like they could see into me.

For me, getting over this included making my boundaries (between my psychological self and others') stronger, doing very little steps of behavior therapy (looking at strangers, then in their eyes, gradually longer periods of time), and also making a note to learn that my "paranoia" wasn't true--people weren't actually looking at me funny, or glaring at me, etc. and learning that made me feel much more comfortable.

I told a therapist about this problem after seeing him for a couple years and to keep this post short--he didn't do anything but say "I _know_ you have a problem with eye contact." How that was supposed to help--IDK. :roll


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## rajan18 (Feb 4, 2013)

*eye contact*

I Have the same problem, how to overcome this problem


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