# Developing an indifference towards those with SA



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It has been so long since I've had social anxiety I feel somewhat indifferent to it. I feel as though the process of overcoming anxiety is a learning process and is easier than many people give credit. In fact, I think it is far easier than many things in life. Sometimes I just want to ask people here what it is they are so attached to mentally that is holding them back from growing and learning beyond their fears. I don't feel strange to admit that I feel I do know the answers to most SA'ers mental problems, and I don't feel the slightest arrogant not hesitant to admit that.

I could talk for hours about why it is pointless to feel the way you do and how to overcome your problems but I usually am not challenged or am drawn to subjects in there forums that have subclass topics. I've been here long enough to also notice a change in behavior from individuals to mainly the group of people here. I don't really have the urge and drive to preach and give insight about how to overcome parts of SA as I am farther and farther away from it, and I am less and less interested in old review.

Some people get upset about people who have overcome their anxiety issues and ask why are we still here, as if we are throwing our triumphs in their faces. I can only speak for myself when I say, that while I simply like it here. I enjoy the communication of real emotional problems and feelings and the openness and ideas this place has. I probably won't leave until that is completely satisfied in other ways.

You may have to ask yourself why you haven't grown from your SA over the years, and don't pity yourself for it. Just realize it for what it is. That indifference I am developing is almost daring me to ask why can't you overcome it? I don't understand why you can't.... my mind has changed drastically and continues to evolve. But where something ends another things begins, and there are always things to be dissatisfied about.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

I have overcome a lot of my social anxiety, but I still have a good way to go. Maybe that is why I can still understand and sympathize with people who have full blown SA. The biggest issue here is that not everyone is the same, and not everyone has the same level of SA. For me, personally, I have been socially anxious for my entire life (or at least since I can remember, 20+ years), and I was never in an environment that would allow me to understand myself easily. I had to do things completely on my own, including beating SA-fueled depression during college, after being a certain way for all those years.

Maybe you didn't have it as long, or didn't have it as bad, or had a better environment, or were better looking, or yadda ...yaddda ...yadda.... There are so many factors that go into this, that to me it is ridiculous to be indifferent towards people just because there is some supposed "easy fix". 

I do agree that there are general guidelines to use towards overcoming SA and squelching negative thinking, but to say that it is easier than most things in life is absolutely off base. For you, maybe, for others, not so much, depending on their circumstances.


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## winnow (Apr 17, 2011)

@bwidger85

That's great that you've overcome your SA. Your indifference sounds like a marker of recovery. But. While there are a lot of commonalities and intersections among sufferers of SA, one person's experience has no specific reflection on any other's.

The message I got from your post: 
"I did it why can't you? It was easy just try harder! Bootstraps!"

This is the antithesis of what I expected on this forum. We are all struggling with issues of varying degrees of severity and I, for one, am looking for survivors and sufferers with whom I can share experiences, compassion, empathy, and support.

_"I enjoy the communication of real emotional problems and feelings and the openness and ideas this place has."_

Exactly


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## Giraffe (Sep 7, 2010)

If I had to quantify it, I would say I was 95% over my SA.

That said, I understand completely why people have problems getting out of the SA cycle. Anxiety is weirdly self-perpetuating and what works for you may not work for me; that's why I can't presume to tell anyone how to overcome SA.

I _do_, however, firmly believe that each person has to find their own way out of it. One of the most persistent messages of anxiety is that we're incapable -- we can't cope with things, we don't have any social skills, etc. So I think that whatever our way out of SA is, it has to involve reclaiming a sense of agency and suspending the belief that we're losers or whatever.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Thanks for the responses!

I am developing an indifference, but that does not meam I can't empathize. On the contrary, I empathize greatly with SA'ers. I understand how they feel and what they are going through or even thinking. The indifference I feel has to do more with the fact that I am simply moving on, but that doesn't qualify me to be right or wrong, it's just a feeling I have and different views, which I also understand are subjective for each individual. However, I do think most SA'ers face similar issues and because of that I do believe I know, well, maybe not the answers to their problems but more of proven solutions that I myself have learned to cope with, as well as witnessed others do the same. Does it mean it'll work for the person just because I said it? No, but I do think most SA'ers need a different mental overhaul and the input that I, personally, can share will make a world of difference if they are able to understand them. I realize this may be an arrogant statement, and because of that I may be wrong, but I don't feel that way. I've been wrong before though.


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## JamesV (Apr 13, 2011)

Can you give a brief summary of the process of overcoming social anxiety? Tips would be nice. Congratulations on overcoming it yourself, by the way.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

JamesV said:


> Can you give a brief summary of the process of overcoming social anxiety? Tips would be nice. Congratulations on overcoming it yourself, by the way.


I think a specific question would work best for an individual, but in general I think there are some things to point out:

Fears. Much fears are overcome through active participation and learning to either cope with them effectively or by learning new ways of thinking through actions taken by the individual. Yes, it sounds relatively simple, and in theory it is, but of course "fears" are very powerful emotions so that it is difficult for the person to overcome, cope with or move beyond. Basically, unless physically bounded by anxiety (i.e. chemical explanations in the brain, etc), or by other physical impairments that disallow an individual to be active in moving forward, the main obstacle is the mind and how it perceives things, which is mostly of that suffer's choice, and because of this I believe much SA'ers problems can be overcome because the mind is very malleable in terms of learning. In that sense, I think most fears can be overcome with the right attitude and persistence.

You need no doctorate degree to understand what works, especially if you've experienced it yourself as I have, and so these are my proofs. Once again, a specific question would be a lot more direct for me to answer, but to solve some of the vagueness of it all, I will give an example of a question and my answer to that question:

Question:
"How do I not feel anxious?" 
(I actually consider this a pretty vague question in itself)

My answer to that specific question would to first realize that your not always going to not feel anxious and that it is normal to feel that way. The only difference between having anxiety that is not normal verse that which is can be in instances that are not typical of normal anxiety (i.e., consistent fearful anxiety of nearly everything). I will even go a step further and say a lot of anxiety is reduced simply by understanding that it is normal to feel anxious about things that are not frequent occurrences in one's life. I feel anxious a lot, but because I understand that the levels of my anxiety depends on many factors including neglecting toward an issue or circumstance such as human interactions, I can accept my high anxieties as normal, and like confidence, which is also "fluid" then so is anxiety in the same matter--specific understandings, steps and actions determine the amount of anxiety someone feels as well as its duration. To sum it up, I honestly feel SA'ers haven't learned enough coping skills to deal with their anxiety problems. Physically speaking, such as matters of chemical imbalances, etc, while there are valid statements that support reason for an individual's anxiety, in most cases I've found that people are simply not mentally "ready" or "mature" enough to move beyond their anxiety problems. Even further, in many instances your anxiety promotes more chemical imbalances within your body that can further feed your anxieties or make them harder to cope with, etc.

Any specific questions I can answer more directly, but for the sake of time and typing, I'll stop here.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Actually, I'll give an example of some steps since that is what you asked:

1) Face the fears head on so that you can learn ways to cope with them or move beyond them. Neglecting a fear is promoting things to stay the same. Welcome your fears as a learning experience. In most cases, fear is simply ignorance of a specific "thing" and there are MANY examples of this. A smart person would see a fear, recognize it as irrational and delve into it to learn as much as possible so they can once again obtain a healthy mind state, and people with these kind of coping skills do that constantly.

2) Be persistence and have patience.

3) People are more understanding and forgiving than you may realize.

4) To be open about your experiences with people is one of the fastest ways to heal and move forward. People are not only stressful but also THERAPEUTIC (this one is big to understand).

5) Ideas/perceptions: the world is not meant to be fair or nonjudgmental (the world is NOT gum balls and lollipops, so what your feeling isn't strange). The world is a harsh place and because of that and evolution our feelings are this way to help us survive.

6) Ideas/perceptions: anxiety is normal. In many instances a person will think it isn't and therefore blow the whole deal out of wack.

7) Idea/perceptions: maturity is a large reason why people break down and why others can trudge forward, and maturity comes with life experience NOT age.


Pretty much, the first suggestion or idea is the only one you should really pay attention to and the rest will come intuitively.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

I've overcome 95% of my Social Anxiety but I can't quite take on an indifferent manner towards those still suffering. I guess its because I know exactly what they're still going through.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Monroee said:


> I've overcome 95% of my Social Anxiety but I can't quite take on an indifferent manner towards those still suffering. I guess its because I know exactly what they're still going through.


I do empathize with how they feel, so maybe "indifference" was the wrong word to use. Maybe I'm impatient or bored. Sound pompous, but w/e.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

You pose a fair question here: Why can't you overcome it?

To tell you the truth, i've asked myself that question a hundred times before. It's mainly the feeling of being judged, the *feeling* that others don't like me, that i'm a liability to have around rather then an okay guy who's fun to have a conversation with. Thats the message i've always gotten from other children; those who bullied me, and later in life, those that pretended I wasn't there. Never have I gotten a counter-weight in the form of supportive parents or anything of the like. So it's only natural that I came to believe what others made me out to be: a pathetic excuse of a male, a quiet nerd, a filthy "goth" (i'm not goth, but thats beside the point), an ugly dude who'd never get a girlfriend (I had an acne-laden face back then), and after that, I was a "f*g" for reasons unknown. 

So all in all, the fear of being judged, of never "fitting in" anywhere. Of being seen as a social outcast, of never being interesting enough, of being called names behind my back or in my face. I could punch people in the face if I wanted to, because I have the physical strength for it, but that'd just land me in jail, and I'm not a violent person. 

So, do I have anyone else other then my therapist and the small group of friends that I do have to tell me otherwise? To tell me that i'm actually an ok, cool guy? That i'm actually boyfriend material for some sweet lady out there? And if, by any chance, I get to know people, how do I know they won't backstab me like others have done in the past?

Long rant short: fear, insecurity and like a lot of others, bad experiences with people.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Metalunatic said:


> You pose a fair question here: Why can't you overcome it?
> 
> To tell you the truth, i've asked myself that question a hundred times before. It's mainly the feeling of being judged, the *feeling* that others don't like me, that i'm a liability to have around rather then an okay guy who's fun to have a conversation with. Thats the message i've always gotten from other children; those who bullied me, and later in life, those that pretended I wasn't there. Never have I gotten a counter-weight in the form of supportive parents or anything of the like. So it's only natural that I came to believe what others made me out to be: a pathetic excuse of a male, a quiet nerd, a filthy "goth" (i'm not goth, but thats beside the point), an ugly dude who'd never get a girlfriend (I had an acne-laden face back then), and after that, I was a "f*g" for reasons unknown.
> 
> ...


People's judgement or examination of your being is always a nice compliment, but ultimately it seems to me you blame other people for what you feel, when in reality you can make that decision regardless of others. Can it make it harder for an individual to believe good qualities about themselves at times? Sure, but given enough experience, self-love and examination, one can hold highly of him/herself without the input of others. SA may of started as something someone said about you, but your SA is your problem, which means it is something YOU are responsible for, and no one else. If you can't really control it, that is understandable, but my proposition is to say that it can happen. On the contrary, there are people in these forums, for example, that come from loving families with a lot of support and are attractive and get compliments, etc, but they STILL feel that way about themselves, which further demonstrates it is a personal problem dealt within the individual.

So maybe your first realization is to first become responsible for how you feel and to take responsibility for that. Low self-worth isn't uncommon for those with SA. After your claim to responsibility, it'd probably be wise to find those POSITIVES about you that people do like and focus on those things. Your a worth-while person, but you may just have to practice realizing that.

I get rejected all the time and bad things happen to me like everyone else. I still love myself. If I didn't, I'd be in a very bad situation.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> So maybe your first realization is to first become responsible for how you feel and to take responsibility for that. Low self-worth isn't uncommon for those with SA. After your claim to responsibility, it'd probably be wise to find those POSITIVES about you that people do like and focus on those things. Your a worth-while person, but you may just have to practice realizing that.


Going to have to take that up with my psychologist when I next see him.


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## shyLee10 (Feb 14, 2010)

If you're asking why can't you overcome it, just think back to last year (or whenever it was when you had it) and ask yourself that same question.


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