# Handling SA in a Month!



## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

I made another thread about this, but I thought I'd journal my progress. It will be a way to help me remember to put in an effort (hopefully)!

*The Situation:*
I might be meeting a group of my online friends in a month. They do not know I have SA or struggle at all in social situations. I talk with them almost every day over a microphone, but I wonder if I will be able to talk to them face-to-face. I really really treasure my friendship with these people, so I want to make a good impression. Therefore, I am going to practice until I get a better handle on this!

*Goals:
*

On days when I am not in the house, I will go out of my way to talk to someone.
I will try to banish negative and self-defeating thoughts.
I will remember that I am cared about and loved.
I will remember that my friends are really excited to meet me and have a lot of respect for me.
I will be thankful for all the things I have .
*Today:*
Thus far I haven't done much for these, besides assure myself that it's ok to not be perfect.

In a few minutes (after my heartburn subsides) I am going to go in to a someone's office to ask about getting a form signed! I have a history of failure with this person, but I am going to try to forget that and just go for it!


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

*Today (update)
*So today the person I meant to talk to was not in their office, so I couldn't talk with them. I sent them an email instead, which is still a small triumph, I guess. I DID make sure to say "goodbye" to my co-workers today, though!

And now I am working really hard on that whole "banishing negative thoughts" thing. :um
Edit: So much for that. I'm crying again and drowning in negativity and self-hatred. I thought I could go a day without doing this to myself again.....


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

*Today
*Ok, so today I am at home all day, so I can't talk to anyone in person. My main goal for today is keeping out negative thoughts, as they debilitated me last night. I'll update this later with how things go.

I am trying to analyze my thoughts in an internal dialogue whenever I start getting really negative as an attempt at decatastophizing. I am using the "What-if" technique as described in this thread: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/anxiety-techniques-111728/

Here is one I had today:
I am afraid I won't finish this assignment (What if you didn't?)

I will fail the assignment (What if you did fail it?)

I would probably not pass the class. (What if that happened?)

I would either be kicked out of the program or I'd have to retake it next year.

(If you were kicked out, what then?) I wouldn't have to worry about school anymore, but I'd have to live with the fact that I was not good enough. I failed. Could I get a job if I failed school?
------(You don't like the field you are in anyway.) Yes, but that doesn't mean I want to fail and waste years of schooling.

(What if you had to retake it?) I'd have to endue this Hell for a second time, knowing that I was not good enough the first time and I was a failure. he government (who is providing my scholarship) would know I failed and be disappointed. I might lose funding.

So yeah, I don't think I am good at this thought analysis. I can't find any flaws in my logic. This is all true. :\


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Good luck on the meetup and fighting your SA


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

slyfox said:


> Good luck on the meetup and fighting your SA


Thank you, slyfox!


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## dogapus (Feb 6, 2014)

Hi Sneetch. Each 'what if' doesn't have to be a step down a spiral. It just feels a little too defeating. Maybe try reasons you will get it done instead of settling into the negative.

If it helps, I had a breaking point early on in the day of feeling like a failure and I set up a plan to make myself feel better which was [a shower, good food, give myself a facial(best way I know to easily relax)] After focusing on those things it helped me refocus and take one step at a time instead of panicking about everything I need to do/negative thinking about myself.

Good luck


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

dogapus said:


> Hi Sneetch. Each 'what if' doesn't have to be a step down a spiral. It just feels a little too defeating. Maybe try reasons you will get it done instead of settling into the negative.
> 
> If it helps, I had a breaking point early on in the day of feeling like a failure and I set up a plan to make myself feel better which was [a shower, good food, give myself a facial(best way I know to easily relax)] After focusing on those things it helped me refocus and take one step at a time instead of panicking about everything I need to do/negative thinking about myself.
> 
> Good luck


Thank you for the response, dogapus!

Yeah, that is what I thought about the "what-if" too, though I think it usually is supposed to reveal one's over-exaggerated thoughts and/or flaws in logic when those negative thoughts creep in. I DO need to start thinking positive, but I think my goal in looking into the "what ifs" of failure is to determine if it would really be horrific and a catastrophe.

Thanks for sharing your story about your experiences today and how you handled your stress. It sounds like you did a great job tackling it and understanding what you needed to do to help yourself. I really need to learn to do that myself. I spent yet another entire day worrying. My anxiety kept me from being able to focus on what needed to be done, so my problem is just getting worse. I'll try to step back and relax a bit when that happens.

It's strange. People always tell me to "get away from it" for a while and come back, but the whole time I am attempting to relax I just keep thinking "I have to go back and do XYZ. This is just wasting time." But in reality banging my head against whatever I need to do and worrying about it is more of a time waster. :no

*Tomorrow's Goals
*I might be dragged out of the house to go shopping. If so, I will try to talk to a cashier or a store worker for my daily goal of talking to people.

If I get my way and am able to work on my homework all day, I will try to get at least 5 problems done AND continue to work on an assignment that is causing me so much stress. I will not let myself get bogged down in negative thoughts, and I will exercise or something whenever I get to the point where I am no longer being productive on work.

Here is the tough one: I will (try!) not to get distracted by the Internet and I will work on my homework until 5 pm. If I don't get distracted too much during the day, I will take the rest of the evening off to enjoy myself.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> I might be dragged out of the house to go shopping. If so, I will try to talk to a cashier or a store worker for my daily goal of talking to people.
> 
> If I get my way and am able to work on my homework all day, I will try to get at least 5 problems done AND continue to work on an assignment that is causing me so much stress. I will not let myself get bogged down in negative thoughts, and I will exercise or something whenever I get to the point where I am no longer being productive on work.
> 
> Here is the tough one: I will (try!) not to get distracted by the Internet and I will work on my homework until 5 pm. If I don't get distracted too much during the day, I will take the rest of the evening off to enjoy myself.


*Today's Results*
So I did not have to go shopping and I got the 5 problems done that I promised I'd do! I stayed positive all day and did not worry at all.

I did not work all day, unfortunately, and took several hours off to watch some movies, so now I am working on the (super stressful) project instead of taking the night off as planned. I am hoping I'll make progress on it and stay positive!


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Good job on the staying positive and the 5 problems  Just keep at it. Good luck on the homework! I know I find it hard to get all my goals done too.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Thank you, slyfox! I appreciate you cheering me on!


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

You're welcome  Hope keeping a journal helps you to make progress. It's good that you are already voice chatting with them regularly. Should make the meetup easier than if you had just communicated through text.


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## MrNormal (Aug 8, 2013)

This is fab Starless..!

I should start a journal myself. This has motivated me to do one. 
Good luck Starless, words from myself "just don't give up, even if you fail, try it again" !


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## pockybear (May 29, 2014)

Starless Sneetch said:


> *Today (update)
> *So today the person I meant to talk to was not in their office, so I couldn't talk with them. I sent them an email instead, which is still a small triumph, I guess. I DID make sure to say "goodbye" to my co-workers today, though!
> 
> And now I am working really hard on that whole "banishing negative thoughts" thing. :um
> Edit: So much for that. I'm crying again and drowning in negativity and self-hatred. I thought I could go a day without doing this to myself again.....


Aw this happens to me all the time. I set a goal (like saying hi to someone). If I don't complete it, I feel depressed. If I do complete it, I end up drowning myself in negativity over how pitiful my accomplishment sounds.

But hang in there  Step by step!


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

pockybear said:


> Aw this happens to me all the time. I set a goal (like saying hi to someone). If I don't complete it, I feel depressed. If I do complete it, I end up drowning myself in negativity over how pitiful my accomplishment sounds.
> 
> But hang in there  Step by step!


Ah, yes.  Thankfully, yesterday I didn't get too depressed about it, so I am quite pleased with that! And thank you for the encouragement!

*Today's Goals
*- Do another 5 problems.
- Work on that project and (hopefully) finish it or get close to finishing
- Don't get worked up over this project. If I start into that negative spiral, I will take a break and exercise.

Unfortunately, there is nobody for me to practice talking to today. I'll have to wait until Tuesday for that.

*Updates on today's progress
*- Finished 3 problems
- took a break to watch a movie 
- Tried to work on the project and got stuck. Felt hopeless. Cried a bit. Couldn't take a break to exercise because parents are home.

I took a break to play video games at my sister's suggestion. I'm back to work now and feeling hopeless...though at least I am not crying.

So much for today :sigh


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

So today was awful and I messed it up badly, but I have tomorrow. Since I am really stuck with this project, I am going to meet with one of my fellow classmates tomorrow to have him help me.

*Tomorrow's goals
*- Go to meeting with classmate. I will try not to get upset during the meeting that I am so far behind on this and that I needed help.
- Meeting with this person will help me with my daily goal of talking to people!
- Big goal: No matter what happens today, try not to be upset and worry.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> So today was awful and I messed it up badly, but I have tomorrow. Since I am really stuck with this project, I am going to meet with one of my fellow classmates tomorrow to have him help me.
> 
> *Tomorrow's goals
> *- Go to meeting with classmate. I will try not to get upset during the meeting that I am so far behind on this and that I needed help.
> ...


So today I had a burst of inspiration and got a lot of my project done! (I still have to finish it, but it's closer to being done).
I talked to my classmate and he helped me with it. While I did stutter a lot and acted kind of stupid, overall I am pleased. He admitted to me that he was struggling with the class, too, which made me feel better.

So thus far I have met all my goals: talk to someone, work on the project, and keep positive! I also talked briefly to my officemate. Yaaay! :yay


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Starless Sneetch said:


> So today I had a burst of inspiration and got a lot of my project done! (I still have to finish it, but it's closer to being done).
> I talked to my classmate and he helped me with it. While I did stutter a lot and acted kind of stupid, overall I am pleased. He admitted to me that he was struggling with the class, too, which made me feel better.
> 
> So thus far I have met all my goals: talk to someone, work on the project, and keep positive! I also talked briefly to my officemate. Yaaay! :yay


Glad today was much better for you  Great job! I have a problem with stuttering sometimes when I'm nervous as well.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks, slyfox! :hug

Today was super great because not only did I FINISH THE PROJECT (*tears of joy*), but I also talked with another student and taught her how to do it. She said she was struggling too and had the same worries I did! It's great I was not the only one!


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## rubyruby (Jun 17, 2009)

You sound like a really sincere person and I wish you well.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

rubyruby said:


> You sound like a really sincere person and I wish you well.


Aww thank you, rubyruby! :hug


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

*Today's Goals:
*- Clean up project and turn it in. No looking back. No worrying about it after it's done!
- Go to meeting and try to speak well. This is my opportunity to practice talking to someone today.
- Ask teacher questions about homework (another opportunity to talk to someone!)

Today is starting out great because I am super happy and positive! This is such a great feeling! On my way to class this morning, I felt like dancing down the sidewalk. Haha.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> *Today's Goals:
> *- Clean up project and turn it in. No looking back. No worrying about it after it's done!
> - Go to meeting and try to speak well. This is my opportunity to practice talking to someone today.
> - Ask teacher questions about homework (another opportunity to talk to someone!)
> ...


I didn't turn in my project yet, but I did clean it up significantly. Tomorrow I will turn it in. I did go to my meeting, and I did help a fellow student with homework, so I am proud of myself for that. I was really getting into explaining the problem we were working on, and even started talking with my hands (using gestures etc), which I don't usually do.

Update: So it turns out I might not go to the meetup in a month. I am getting mixed feedback about it, so I dunno. At any rate, I will still practice getting over my SA just in case I do meet these people in the future. And it will obviously help me make friends in "real life," too!

*Tomorrow's Goals:
*In the house, so I can't talk to anybody. But I will turn in my assignment and NOT WORRY about it afterward. My main goal tomorrow is to RELAX and not worry.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> *Tomorrow's Goals:
> *In the house, so I can't talk to anybody. But I will turn in my assignment and NOT WORRY about it afterward. My main goal tomorrow is to RELAX and not worry.


Progress Update
I did turn in the assignment and did not worry about it.

Unfortunately, I remembered that I have a presentation tomorrow that I hadn't written yet. I am STILL writing it (it has taken me HOURS) and I am kind of getting worried about it. I am doing well at not letting negative thoughts creep in, though.

Oh, I also contacted one of my online friends to thank him for introducing me to some music. I don't usually initiate the conversation, so I felt good that I did. While it didn't last as long as I would have liked, it was still an effort. 

*Tomorrow's Goals
*- Finish an assignment and turn it in. No worrying about it afterward.
- Do my presentation. I will try not to think negatively about myself during or after it. 
- Since I won't be at home, I must go out of my way to talk to someone.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Starless Sneetch said:


> Progress Update
> I did turn in the assignment and did not worry about it.
> 
> Unfortunately, I remembered that I have a presentation tomorrow that I hadn't written yet. I am STILL writing it (it has taken me HOURS) and I am kind of getting worried about it. I am doing well at not letting negative thoughts creep in, though.
> ...


Good luck with the presentation  Should be good practice for your meetup, but I know from experience how intimidating they can be. Good job on initiating the convo with your friend!


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Yes. I have done presentations in the past with mixed results. The main thing I am worried about is getting the content into this darn thing and having it meet the time requirements. Oddly enough, the whole public speaking part is the least of my concerns! Haha!

Thank you for posting messages of encouragement here along the way in my journey to master my thoughts and overcome SA! I appreciate your support.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Starless Sneetch said:


> Yes. I have done presentations in the past with mixed results. The main thing I am worried about is getting the content into this darn thing and having it meet the time requirements. Oddly enough, the whole public speaking part is the least of my concerns! Haha!
> 
> Thank you for posting messages of encouragement here along the way in my journey to master my thoughts and overcome SA! I appreciate your support.


I've always done bad on public speaking. Yeah I find time requirements hard especially when nervous because you just want to get the presentation over as fast as possible.

You're welcome  I like reading about ongoing goals. Maybe I should make a topic about one of mine and have a ton of small steps.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

slyfox said:


> I've always done bad on public speaking. Yeah I find time requirements hard especially when nervous because you just want to get the presentation over as fast as possible.
> 
> You're welcome  I like reading about ongoing goals. Maybe I should make a topic about one of mine and have a ton of small steps.


I find that setting goals for every day, then reporting on progress is helpful. For one thing, it helps me remember my goals through the act of writing them down. And secondly, it encourages me to try harder, so I can make a positive report here. I guess I could just write them in a private journal, but hopefully writing them here will inspire others to challenge themselves, too.

*Yesterday's Progress
*I made my presentation and everything went okay. I had to read off a script and nobody else did, but that's ok. A few times I got nervous because I thought I saw a few people laughing at me, but I tried my best to ignore them.

The whole time before it was my turn, I started getting nervous, but just kept telling myself "It's only 10 minutes of talking. I have all my lines here. Everything will be fine. Even if I make a fool of myself, it will be over in 10 minutes and everyone will forget about it." That seemed to help a bit!

I also turned in my assignment and talked to my instructor, so all my goals were reached!

*Today:
*- Keep relaxed
- Study for exams

Thus far today I have been pretty relaxed. I still haven't started studying yet, but I have all day...


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> *Today:
> *- Keep relaxed
> - Study for exams


I did study a bit on Friday. I skipped Saturday's (and today's) goals, but oh well.

Today I studied quite a bit. While some of the material still escapes me, I am not worrying (surprisingly) because I know I am probably not the only one having issues. Now that I see this, I understand that this is a big underlying cause of my anxiety: I always think I am the only one struggling and that I am just an idiot. From this term, I understand that I work a lot harder than most, so if I don't "get" a concept, most everyone else won't either.

*Tomorrow*:
Complete 2 final exams. I am going to try very hard to NOT worry about my performance on them afterward! What's done is done! No more negative thoughts, since I will be FREE after tomorrow.


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## iCashie (Jun 9, 2014)

stop worrying and do your job now! no excuses if you say "i will do it" just do it now .


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Finals are done, and I didn't worry about them afterward! And I went out of my way to talk to my teacher. :yay

Edit: I'm blowing it. I am starting to worry now. ETHICAL DILEMMAS HAVE ME SO WORRIED! GAH! (I could have cheated (I guess it could technically be considered NOT cheating, depending on how you look at it) on my exam, but I didn't and now I am feeling like I should have? WHY?!?!)


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Good job on talking to your teacher and congrats on your finals being over. At least you don't have the stress of studying for them anymore.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Awesome thread, I have been following your progress and I'm impressed 

Yay for finishing finals - no advantage to worrying about them now, you've done all that you can do!


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

sarahsjourney said:


> Awesome thread, I have been following your progress and I'm impressed
> 
> Yay for finishing finals - no advantage to worrying about them now, you've done all that you can do!


Thanks, sarahsjourney! This little journal thing has really been helping me in achieving my goals. And yes, I am over worrying about the final. It is done and I AM FREE!

I haven't posted here in a bit, but I did make more progress yesterday: I held several conversations with my hairdresser! I actually initiated a few of them, so I am proud of myself.

*Today's goals:*
Go to a meeting and be able to hold my own in the conversation. No matter what happens, I won't worry about it.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

Starless Sneetch said:


> *Today's goals:*
> Go to a meeting and be able to hold my own in the conversation. No matter what happens, I won't worry about it.


Accomplished! I actually spoke very well in the meeting. The person I met with knows I have SA, which usually makes me perform poorly, but I overcame it! Yay!

So now I don't have many goals, since I am out of school and do not have the opportunity to talk to people every day. I'll try to think of something, though, and I still update this, just not as frequently.

I do want to share something, though; it's a dream I had last night that I feel might be my inner mind trying to tell me something.

I was in Disneyland (my favorite place ever) and I suddenly figured out I could fly. A few people pointed me out, but didn't seem to surprised. They just mentioned it to make conversation and be nice. I floated around Disneyland for a while, until I decided to explore the surrounding areas in flight.

I found that the surrounding areas were beautiful, grassy, rolling hills. I flew higher and higher until I could see for miles around. Everything was crisp, green, and gorgeous. There were koi ponds and buildings made out of the very rock of the mountains. I flew as high as I could go, then closed my eyes and let myself float back to the ground.

In this brief moment, I felt so amazingly calm. There was no trace of fear whatsoever. I felt as if the world were of my own design, and nothing could hurt me. I was the master of everything in sight. I felt adventurous, but not afraid. As I touched the ground, I could almost feel the cool grass on my skin, and I felt so much at peace.

What's odd is the fact that I NEVER have felt this calm in my whole life, even when asleep. This was a magical feeling of complete calmness and "oneness". I am going to try and hold on to that feeling and call it back whenever I feel upset.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

So I probably won't end up going to that meetup in a few weeks. Firstly, a lot of people aren't going to make it, so I don't feel comfortable going if it will just be 1 or 2 or us. 

Secondly, I am kind of chickening out. I am worried that the risks outweigh the benefits. After all, what benefits will there be to actually meeting these people? It's not like we live super close to each other and can hang out. I guess the reason I originally wanted to go is to show these people I am interested in being their "real" friend and proving to myself that I can have real friends but...maybe you don't need to see each other to be friends, right?
(Plus, one of the guys with whom I talk often is nearly twice my age, so being friends in real life with him might be weird)


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Starless Sneetch said:


> So I probably won't end up going to that meetup in a few weeks. Firstly, a lot of people aren't going to make it, so I don't feel comfortable going if it will just be 1 or 2 or us.
> 
> Secondly, I am kind of chickening out. I am worried that the risks outweigh the benefits. After all, what benefits will there be to actually meeting these people? It's not like we live super close to each other and can hang out. I guess the reason I originally wanted to go is to show these people I am interested in being their "real" friend and proving to myself that I can have real friends but...maybe you don't need to see each other to be friends, right?
> (Plus, one of the guys with whom I talk often is nearly twice my age, so being friends in real life with him might be weird)


Too bad it isn't working out. Even if you don't go at least you got some practice in during your goal  I'd be nervous about meeting up too. With me the more people the worse it is though. Maybe weird, but I used to get along better with my older coworkers when I was working. I can't relate to people around my age and younger well.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

slyfox said:


> Too bad it isn't working out. Even if you don't go at least you got some practice in during your goal  I'd be nervous about meeting up too. With me the more people the worse it is though. Maybe weird, but I used to get along better with my older coworkers when I was working. I can't relate to people around my age and younger well.


Yes, I am hoping to continue trying to overcome my SA. I may still meet up with these people in the future. And even if I don't, I really need to get a handle on this and this has been good motivation to get me going!

Recently I have been making some new goals. Besides some fitness goals (exercise at least 30 min on weekdays), I am going to try and practice being _calm_.

It may sound weird, but I somehow feel I don't know how to relax. The other morning I woke up and remembered that my old therapist had told me to try and remember the feeling of calm that she assumed I had in the morning. I told her I never felt 100% calm, even right after waking up (even when sleeping!!). So I tried really hard to make myself relax. I couldn't do it.

But one positive thing is I am trying to be more mindful of _when _I get tense (more than usual) and _why_. Thus far I've found I am tensing up over really silly things. Like just now I heard my sister in the hallway and tensed up. But why? I know who it is. Nothing will hurt me. I don't care if she comes in here.

So mindfulness is the key. Once I catch myself, I can stop being so nervous. I am also trying to obtain that 100% calm, free feeling I felt while having that dream. Since it was a real physical feeling, I know I can achieve calm. I just need to work at it. I think this will really help me.


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## Starless Sneetch (Apr 24, 2012)

So I am not certain I will ever go to one of the meetups of my online friends; however, I recently got new inspiration to overcome my SA!

I went to Disneyland the other day and I felt so incredibly calm and I was not self-conscious at all. The feeling persisted a few days after leaving, too! But while I was there and while I was feeling so good I realized something. The reason Disneyland is so magical and fun is because of the _people_. People make it fun. People want you to be happy.

At the park, I kept watching all the Cast Members interact with each other and the guests and saw how much fun they were having and how many smiles they generated just by being friendly. I imagined myself working there and interacting with people, and it felt like such a wonderful thing to do.

While I probably will never actually work at Disneyland because I am way overqualified, I want to try and take that friendliness and happiness into whatever job I end up in. And that means overcoming my fear of people. So this is my new motivation.

Also while at Disneyland, I found that I was never worried about anything. Even on the last day, I was not worried about coming back home like usual. I was _living in the moment_ and not letting anything bring me down. I found that I had a huge amount of control over my anxiety, something I had serious doubts about in the past. So I am going to try and harness that power every day and not worry so much! Generalized Anxiety Disorder, your days are numbered!


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