# How do you figure out if your therapist is the right one for you?



## Deathinmusic (Jun 5, 2009)

I went to therapy for 6 months but ended it early this year because it didn't go anywhere. Originally I was hopeful and thought she could help me. Turns out she really couldn't. I don't think we ever got to a point where she actually understood the essence of my problem(s).

I'm currently trying to find a new therapist but I don't trust my own instincts to find someone who is a good fit for me. Apparently it's recommended to go to at least a few therapists and have an "interview" with them before choosing who to work with.

This fear of getting stuck with a bad therapist or the wrong person is making me very unmotivated. Yet I know that doing nothing is even worse because by doing nothing I am making sure I am not making any progress. I just don't want to go back to therapy and spend months and months and find myself in square one (or worse) after all that time.

How do you figure out who is the right therapist for you? And for that matter, how do you figure out the right therapy type (CBT, psychodynamic etc.)?


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## iamwhatiam (Mar 23, 2011)

Think I understand where you are coming from. Was in therapy with 2 different people for 6 months, one day just stopped going when I realized they really were not helping me, probably did not understand the disorder, and most likely just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me coming back. I haven't returned to therapy and won't until I can figure out how to make sure my therapist knows what he is doing. Preliminary thoughts are as follows.


1. Don't tell him you have SAD just give him the symptoms, if he diagnoses you with something else gtfo of there. If he doesn't give you a diagnosis and instead says something generic like I will help you work on your issues gtfo of there.

2. If he correctly diagnosis you ask the therapist how many people he has treated for SAD/percentage of clients who have SAD. 

3. Post results on this site experiences with good and bad therapists. We need to stick together and help figure out who can help and who is useless. 

4. Be willing to leave if you feel something is way off. Walk out that door, it is THAT SIMPLE. (not saying you need to leave if therapy is challenging or you are having some doubts but if you truly think this guy doesn't know wtf he is doing leave.)


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## Deathinmusic (Jun 5, 2009)

Thank you for the reply. Maybe I should have specified a little more... Frankly my issues are so deep and intertwined that at this point SAD is only a fraction of the whole thing.

I'm mostly interested in how others have approached this concern about the competence of, and the compatibility with, a therapist.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Deathinmusic said:


> Thank you for the reply. Maybe I should have specified a little more... Frankly my issues are so deep and intertwined that at this point SAD is only a fraction of the whole thing.
> 
> I'm mostly interested in how others have approached this concern about the competence of, and the compatibility with, a therapist.


I had to figure it all out alone. They diagnosed various things, but mostly because I did my own research first and they usually concurred. To know how to treat problems, I think it's essential to know what you are dealing with and to have treatment goals. Really try to delineate the nature of your problems. Some might even be due to what are considered sub-clinical traits by the professionals currently. You may have the traits of certain diagnoses but not the full-blown condition. You might fit the Not Otherwise Specified category of some DSM diagnoses. These are just possibilities I'm suggesting you consider. History is very important in diagnosis, so have a parent fill out questionnaires on your childhood. Work out how your symptoms have evolved over development. What were the earliest signs? Which conditions preceded which? Look at family members' traits.

Once you have some idea of likely diagnoses, you can base your search for a therapist or diagnostician on that. Specialists in your conditions experienced with the latest evidence-based treatments are the best way to go. They should be familiar with how to deal with co-morbidity and complex cases. As was said, just walk out if your therapist isn't helping. I've wasted months with incompetent therapists because I didn't know most of my diagnoses or the signs of incompetence.

Signs of a good therapist include,

- They develop a clear treatment plan and goals with you
- They listen to your point of view and don't act judgmental or arrogant
- They are flexible and don't have a one-size-fits-all approach
- They are willing to learn
- They have much experience with your conditions and keep up-to-date in the field
- They provide useful, regular feedback and encourage you to do the same
- They are patient
- They are reliable
- They are good communicators
- They possess common sense and the ability to apply reason
- They know how to put you at ease


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Honestly, to know that he understood my problems, I just had a gut feeling after the first couple sessions.

If you feel that connection, you feel the connection.


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

I'm having concerns along these line's too. I've been referred to a CBT therapy service through the NHS system here in the UK - after waiting months for a decent therapy service to become available - and already I think I'm sensing negative vibe's from the person who most likely I'm going to have to start seeing this May - going by what our 3 past telephone conversations have been like. I found her to sound very condescending over the phone and didn't think she came across as if she was genuinely interested in helping me at all. So far these things in themselves are already telling me it's likely she's not going to turn out to be a good personality fit for me - as personally believe any kind of decent therapist would make the effort to show a genuinely helpful interested attitude towards you and treat you as an equal human being. Still in my case, I know it's going to look bad if I don't at least go along and meet her face to face at least once or twice before dismissing her. So am going to see how things go. If it turns out her manner is the same as it's so far been over the telephone though, then I'm definitely going to be asking if I can switch.


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## tingers (May 1, 2011)

I am kind of new to this, but I know it is time for me to get help. My problems have really started affecting my life. I have been to a therapist once but it was a disaster. How do I find a therapist? I do not even know where to start.

I honestly need to find someone to talk to as soon as I can. Any advice would help a lot.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

iamwhatiam said:


> Think I understand where you are coming from. Was in therapy with 2 different people for 6 months, one day just stopped going when I realized they really were not helping me, probably did not understand the disorder, and most likely just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me coming back. I haven't returned to therapy and won't until I can figure out how to make sure my therapist knows what he is doing. Preliminary thoughts are as follows.
> 
> 1. Don't tell him you have SAD just give him the symptoms, if he diagnoses you with something else gtfo of there. If he doesn't give you a diagnosis and instead says something generic like I will help you work on your issues gtfo of there.
> 
> ...


I like your advice--so strongly said with the all the gtfo's. I'm serious--I wish I had some advice like that several years ago!


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

odd_one_out said:


> Signs of a good therapist include,
> 
> - They develop a clear treatment plan and goals with you
> - They listen to your point of view and don't act judgmental or arrogant
> ...


WOW. :clap This is worth printing out if you ask me!

My 2 ex-therapists would pretty much fail on EVERY SINGLE one of your points!


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## TheDaffodil (Jun 20, 2009)

Trial-and-error. For each element, haha. When it came to the therapist, I tried many options mostly because that's what my parents could give me. First I went to an Army chaplain. It was the easiest thing for my parents to set up. There was no medication involved or even any therapy really. We just talked and made diagrams and when everyone decided I was better he let me set the letter I wrote to my parents on fire. Obviously, there wasn't a lot going on in terms of addressing the issues I had.
Then we moved. I started seeing a Christian therapist my mom wanted me to go to. Again, no medication or real therapy. We talked and prayed. I told my mom she wasn't helping me and she understood so I started going to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore to see a psychiatrist. The first one I had was a very robotic woman. I found her cold, impersonal, too business-like for a doctor (I think doctors should be a lot more...approachable and comforting and stuff like that...more like a caretaker). She gave me medication, though, and introduced CBT. Then she got promoted and I was given a new psychiatrist and she was the one I wanted to stick with. She was very sweet and kinda seemed shy herself. She told me things about herself that made her human, not just a person with a clipboard and a pen (no worries - she never told me so much that I felt like the roles were reversed...just enough for me to feel like we were really talking and I could trust her). She also had confidence in me and listened to what I wanted. I had improvement with the first psychiatrist but it was with her that I really started to see the difference. She suggested meditation and went more in-depth with the CBT and that's what I felt helped me most. I had a workbook that I would do exercises with at home and I would bring it with me so we could talk about what happened, what I liked, what I didn't like, and I could actually see myself improving and that was very encouraging. I think that's what made the difference for me, her being the way she was. Anyway, she got promoted and I was gonna have a new psychiatrist but I was sick of medication and I thought I didn't need a psychiatrist anymore so now I don't do either of those things but I still use CBT on my own. I took a year off from school after I graduated and I've had a few bumps but I'm doing well now. I think CBT was the most valuable thing I ever learned.


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## luctus (Mar 31, 2011)

odd_one_out said:


> Signs of a good therapist include,
> 
> - They develop a clear treatment plan and goals with you
> - They listen to your point of view and don't act judgmental or arrogant
> ...


For each little criterion, I am either sure my therapist doesn't fit, or I am uncertain. She doesn't fit a single one of those blatantly.

Oh well, I'm only seeing her for one more week, then I'm probably out of there. I won't be going back.

"listen to your point of view": this b***** talks over me, interrupts me, etc.

"willing to learn": the lady apparently knows everything already

"the know how to put you at ease": absolutely not

"they listen to your point of view and don't act judgmental or arrogant": I say something negative and she just gives this terrible "grin" and says, "Cynical". (Applying to me.). I love the adjectives. Isn't that like therapy 101? NOT to put qualifiers like that on their patients?

Sorry, whining and ranting. I just got back from there and I'm PISSED.

Good list, thanks odd_one_out. I'll try and use it next time I pick one.


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

odd_one_out said:


> Signs of a good therapist include,
> 
> - They develop a clear treatment plan and goals with you
> - They listen to your point of view and don't act judgmental or arrogant
> ...


This is a great guide in finding a good therapist. I am quite lucky that I have found one who has all these attributes.


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