# Accepting that you're ugly and will never have a girlfriend



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

How do you get to this point?

I have a hard time accepting it. I still dream of having a pretty girl to call my own, although it's fleeting. I am getting older, and probably will lose my sex drive soon. It's probably best to just accept that I will never get a girl, unless I settle, and I don't want to, so I will always be alone.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

pics or get out


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

How do you know you're ugly?


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

This will be hard for me to articulate because I've battled with this idea myself for a long time. I can assure you though, you can meet the type of girl you want. Forget about "looks" for a second and instead make a goal to approach and interact with more women IN REAL LIFE. The first time you meet a girl who you think is out of your league and you two have great chemistry you'll be kicking yourself for worrying about looks and age.

How many women have you approached in real life? And if you have, how many have you had chemistry with?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

You'll get that girl one day, as long as you keep looking for her. It just takes trial and error till you find her.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Here are a few recent ones. 

People on here know what I look like. I know I look geeky. It's not the hair, I look worse with a short haircut (I can share pics of that, too; I look like a 12 year old boy!)


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## missalyssa (Jun 18, 2011)

I'm not saying give up , but try focusing on something else in life for a while (a job, hobby, etc something you enjoy for YOU) and try to think less about finding a gf. Think of new girls youu meet as potential friends instead of potential gfs and go with the flow. Also, try not to think of yourself as "ugly". That lack of confidence can drive girls away.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

But what if you _are_ ugly?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

WintersTale said:


> But what if you _are_ ugly?


You're not! So you have nothing to worry about in there.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> Here are a few recent ones.
> 
> People on here know what I look like. I know I look geeky. It's not the hair, I look worse with a short haircut (I can share pics of that, too; I look like a 12 year old boy!)


Alright, I'm not going to lie, you do have a geeky look. I'm not going to sugar coat things. But you still have potential. I can see that you are a handsome guy, but it's being somewhat hidden. Lose the glasses, change the hair (not necessarily shorten it, just style it a bit), lose weight/gym it up, and finally get some better clothes. I know it sounds like a lot, but your SA is largely tied in with your appearance and improving that a bit will definitely help A LOT. People will say you just have to have confidence, swag, etc...and this is true. But as someone who used to have image issues, I can definitely say improving my appearance made it a lot easier to make that transition into having some confidence. So sure, go and approach girls. ABSOLUTELY. But don't be afraid to enhance your appearance (naturally, of course) in the process.



missalyssa said:


> I'm not saying give up , but try focusing on something else in life for a while (a job, hobby, etc something you enjoy for YOU) and try to think less about finding a gf. Think of new girls youu meet as potential friends instead of potential gfs and go with the flow. Also, try not to think of yourself as "ugly". That lack of confidence can drive girls away.


I would agree but this is extremely hard to do for a guy with SA and little to no experience. Almost insurmountable when all you do day and night is think about how much your life sucks without a gf. YES, you're right, having that attitude would be best, but it's RIDICULOUSLY difficult to switch to that kind of attitude after years of misery. Changing the way you think without having any results is extremely hard...so what I say is improve what you can right now. Focus on this goal of finding women. Improve your appearance. Join the gym. Approach girls. That's what I did more or less...and it changed my life.

Btw OP, one thing is for sure, you have a very warm and friendly vibe to your face, so that's great.


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

I've seen guys that look like you with girlfriends :|. Yeah, they're not with megan fox, but the girls they're with aren't "ugly" in my opinion either. 

I would say take missalyssa's advice (as well as dating resources like online dating and other things I guess). Look for friends for now and see what happens. That's usually how the guys I see that get girlfriends end up with them, they're friends first and as the relationship grows they become more.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

The problem is, its hard for most to give advice on the subject of what is attractive, and who or what determines it.. You don't want to offend anyone, but also you want to stay away from generic platitudes. If you really truly believe are ugly, um... whatever, that's your opinion. But your personal opinion is subjective. It doesn't matter if you think as such, someone else will think you are attractive. And as always, attractiveness is more than just plain ole looks. But our vacuous society only figures that out after the fact.

I think it comes down to value. Without positive feedback or unfortunately negative or no feedback at all, on one's looks, its difficult to know where one fits in amongst the general populace. In a perfect world, we all want to be attractive and hot and pretty to everyone. Fortunately, this is not the case. What makes you unique is what makes you attractive.

Another thing, is what we feel 'we' deserve. This ties into value again. Overall, what is your idea of the type of girl you feel you can attract? Is being "realistic" a form of settling?


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

rdrr said:


> The problem is, its hard for most to give advice on the subject of what is attractive, and who or what determines it.. You don't want to offend anyone, but also you want to stay away from generic platitudes. If you really truly believe are ugly, um... whatever, that's your opinion. But your personal opinion is subjective. It doesn't matter if you think as such, someone else will think you are attractive. And as always, attractiveness is more than just plain ole looks. But our vacuous society only figures that out after the fact.
> 
> I think it comes down to value. Without positive feedback or unfortunately negative or no feedback at all, on one's looks, its difficult to know where one fits in amongst the general populace. In a perfect world, we all want to be attractive and hot and pretty to everyone. Fortunately, this is not the case. What makes you unique is what makes you attractive.
> 
> Another thing, is what we feel 'we' deserve. This ties into value again. Overall, what is your idea of the type of girl you feel you can attract? Is being "realistic" a form of settling?


Damn I'd actually like to hear Rdrr make audiotapes of this stuff, this is great.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

I think you definitely could get a girlfriend, WintersTale. I'm not saying you will for sure or anything, but I don't think your "geeky" look is so much of a hinderance that you should write off the idea of dating completely. Might it hinder you from dating Megan Fox? Probably. But I think you could still definitely get a girl you're attracted to. If she herself likes geeky guys, even better.

That said, I imagine struggling with finding a girlfriend for a long time can be really difficult, and I think the idea of accepting yourself as a single person is much better than getting angry/depressed/resentful of women due to a lack of dating success.

So basically I hope you don't write yourself off, but I think being content with your single life can't ever hurt.


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## centrino (Sep 27, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> How do you get to this point?
> 
> I have a hard time accepting it. I still dream of having a pretty girl to call my own, although it's fleeting. I am getting older, and probably will lose my sex drive soon. It's probably best to just accept that I will never get a girl, unless I settle, and I don't want to, so I will always be alone.


You know it's not about ugliness, it's about attitude. There are many ugly people with a beautiful partner out there.

I'm 25 and have been forever single, yet I'm not ugly. My attitude is poor due to my lack of confidence.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

rdrr said:


> The problem is, its hard for most to give advice on the subject of what is attractive, and who or what determines it.. You don't want to offend anyone, but also you want to stay away from generic platitudes. If you really truly believe are ugly, um... whatever, that's your opinion. But your personal opinion is subjective. It doesn't matter if you think as such, someone else will think you are attractive. And as always, attractiveness is more than just plain ole looks. But our vacuous society only figures that out after the fact.
> 
> I think it comes down to value. Without positive feedback or unfortunately negative or no feedback at all, on one's looks, its difficult to know where one fits in amongst the general populace. In a perfect world, we all want to be attractive and hot and pretty to everyone. Fortunately, this is not the case. What makes you unique is what makes you attractive.
> 
> Another thing, is what we feel 'we' deserve. This ties into value again. Overall, what is your idea of the type of girl you feel you can attract? Is being "realistic" a form of settling?


This is probably as close as I can describe it at the moment. Also, I would agree with rymo as well... you should really take care of what you got and make that attractive.... it can be your personality, parts of your look, clothes, w/e...

I wouldn't advise NOT trying to meet women. As a man, this doesn't do much good unless you really do need to build you esteem in different ways, but your problem is you don't think your enough for WOMEN...so like rymo said, you need ot battle this and approach more and be active about it..


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

You kind of remind me of Nite Owl from Watchmen ^^^


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

cedward said:


> You know it's not about ugliness, it's about attitude. There are many ugly people with a beautiful partner out there.
> 
> I'm 25 and have been forever single, yet I'm not ugly. My attitude is poor due to my lack of confidence.


Yeh..I was 24 until I started getting any and while I did improve my appearance, the biggest difference maker was my attitude.

Also, I forgot to mention...OP...we judge *ourselves* WAY more harshly than anyone else...so remember that.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

That you are here posting about "accepting your ugliness and never getting a girlfriend" suggests to me the issue is more to do with your attitude than anything else. Your self-image... your self-confidence... how comfortable you are with yourself and your own style... what kind of attitude you're projecting onto other people... These things are more important than your actual physical appearance (unless you're atrociously ugly, which you're not).

And as an aside here... Pictures... If your goal is to _attract _someone (and you're a guy), you are better off NOT smiling in the picture. The picture you just posted in the pic thread, for instance, is one of your better efforts.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

I watch videos like this and then realize I don't want to put up with that kind of bull****, so I'm perfectly happy not having a girlfriend.


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## BananaCat (Jan 30, 2012)

Hey,
Do not be too hard on yourself. If you want to improve your appearance, then you can do it. There are lots of steps you can take to get in shape, which can affect your mood for the better in a lot of ways. But more importantly, love yourself.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I don't want to lose the glasses. I can't wear contacts due to dry eyes, and I am getting expensive dental surgery, so I can't throw the expensive eye surgery on there, too (maybe if I was Bill Gates or Paul McCartney.

Anyway, I love women that are geeky and wear glasses. I love the librarian look. Glasses get passes, at least in my book. I just wish I could find a girl who feels the same way.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

And my vision is so bad that if I take off the glasses, I walk into walls. That are two feet away from me. 

My doctor also said that I probably wouldn't be eligible for the surgery, anyway, since I have a certain type of vision.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

You'll have to put yourself out there. There is someone right for you, but you'll have to find her.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Dissonance said:


> Damn I'd actually like to hear Rdrr make audiotapes of this stuff, this is great.


Thanks, man, I really appreciate your comment. Actually I dictate some popular books on tape as a side hobby. They are also available in a CD, or minidisc format. We can talk prices via PM.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

rdrr said:


> Thanks, man, I really appreciate your comment. Actually I dictate some popular books on tape as a side hobby. They are also available in a CD, or minidisc format. We can talk prices via PM.


That must be a joke...a sell job here...really?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I have put myself out there.
> 
> It's a catch 22, though, because if I get approached by a girl, I have a panic attack. If I approach a girl, I get nervous and act all weird.
> 
> Then she calls me creepy, and all my friends are confused, because they say I'm the least creepy guy in the world. Then they insult her, which makes me feel better...but I still feel like a creep.


That's awesome that you have a great support group of friends. That is really, really awesome. You just have to work on the nerves. And that just takes practice. simplepickup on youtube, watch their videos.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

rymo said:


> That must be a joke...a sell job here...really?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

rdrr said:


>


Thank god.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

Nada said:


> You'll have to put yourself out there. There is someone right for you, but you'll have to find her.


*Looks at avatar and status*

Hmm.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It's not like anyone can tell you "one" specific thing to be more effective at meeting women. It's a process that takes time and considerable amounts of effort.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

WintersTale said:


> It's a catch 22, though, because if I get approached by a girl, I have a panic attack. If I approach a girl, I get nervous and act all weird.


You just need to work on making these situations more comfortable for you. I had similar issues, even though I'm still unlikely to approach a female. I don't panic anymore if they approach me in social situations.


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

rdrr said:


>


Oh a sarcasm detector. That's a REAL useful invention.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Peter Attis said:


> *Looks at avatar and status*
> 
> Hmm.


LoL ok...


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

It sounds like you just have to work on approaching women and talking to them. Once you get that down, everything else gets easier :yes 

It also makes getting a girlfriend seem like less of an "impossible" task, because you can talk to girls more easily. Then it's just a matter of finding the right one.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

If you want to make changes to yourself, you can. I use to be extremely skinny, just look at my before/after picture in my album. It takes time and dedication, but its rewarding. Spend the next few years really improving yourself, you really have nothing to lose right now.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

If I were you, I'd be extremely frustrated. If you haven't had sex by the time you are 30, maybe you should go to an erotic masseuse (no risk for stds) just to experience something sexual with another person.

And I wouldn't worry about wearing braces and glasses. There are types of braces that are not that noticeable.


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## BananaCat (Jan 30, 2012)

nervousman said:


> jUST POST ON CRAIGSLIST AND GET SOME FREE PUTANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. lOTS OF CHICKS THAT ARE CRAZY!


Oh, Dear God. Do not drink and then meet up with strangers from craigslist, lol. I don't want to see you on the news tomorrow.


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## Giovanna (Aug 22, 2009)

Glasses are über hip and attractive, dont lose the glasses. You are not ugly sweetie, you are a geek. Lots of girls are attracted to that genre of men. Btw, have you tried a beard? I think you would look good with one.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Another thing is my mom is pressuring me to make her a Grandma. 

My sis has 5 kids, and my mom is supportive of my social anxiety, but is always talking about me bringing home a nice girl. I always feel like I'm letting her down.

I had to have a conversation a few years ago, to tell her I wasn't gay. We're both supportive of gay rights, but she did mention that if I brought a guy home, she wouldn't have a problem with it (thanks mom! *facepalm*)

I have been hit on by gay guys before, so if that were the problem, maybe I wouldn't be forever single...


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

And I have to wear the braces that are noticable. I have to have an expander put in place, which means I have to wear the metal ones. They don't make it for the hidden ones.


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## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I am starting to think that I to am never going be in a relationship. I cannot for the life of me approach women. I don't know what to do or what to say. I freaking hate it and I feel so stupid. Women I want to approach are so imtimidating to me.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Hopeful25 said:


> Here we go :no..


Delete what you quoted. I deleted what I wrote.

It was stupid to write that. Yes, I am starting to feel that way, when I'm bitter. But SAS is not the place for it.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

uh oh here we go...


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> Delete what you quoted. I deleted what I wrote.
> 
> It was stupid to write that. Yes, I am starting to feel that way, when I'm bitter. But SAS is not the place for it.


Done. Luckily no one saw it :|


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

komorikun said:


> If I were you, I'd be extremely frustrated. If you haven't had sex by the time you are 30, maybe you should go to an erotic masseuse (no risk for stds) just to experience something sexual with another person.
> 
> And I wouldn't worry about wearing braces and glasses. There are types of braces that are not that noticeable.


Don't do that. Ew.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Hopeful25 said:


> Done. Luckily no one saw it :|


I saw it.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

But I saw it, I saw it all! But we must adapt to our surroundings no matter how bad they seem. It's highly unlikely to meet a girl with low standards, we just have to accept it and change ourselves and try to convince ourselves that we will be happy...Happiness is a illusion we can't live without.


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

rdrr said:


> I saw it.


Lol, touche. Luckily not that many people saw it.


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

It's okay man, don't get swallowed up by the bitterness again. I know it gets frustrating after almost 3 decades (I'm in the same situation) but there are still things you can do to improve your chances. Don't give up on yourself until you try everything. Some gym work can definitely give you more confidence. Sometimes it does take some 'external' work like this to catch someone's attention, but that's just human nature. That doesn't mean they won't appreciate you as a person as well.

EDIT: The comment got deleted....


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Hopeful25 said:


> Done. Luckily no one saw it :|


I think Dissonance did.

That kind of thinking doesn't help matters, anyway, and only makes things worse.

I dunno. I have had women find me cute, but they all expect me to make the first move. And now, I am getting wrinkles....I found a grey hair the other day...and am not as attractive as I used to be. And there is the catch 22 of me being inexperienced.

That is actually probably worse than my shyness, or any physical trait I have. If I managed to meet a girl at college, even if she was much younger than me (say, 21), she would probably have had a lot of sexual partners. How am I supposed to explain that I have never even kissed a girl? How would I even begin to kiss her? How do you kiss, anyway?

I just feel insecure, on so many levels, and going to a masseuse won't help. I don't even know where they have those around here, but even if I did, it's not just sexual frustration that I feel. I can masturbate. I just feel so lonely all the time - I see couples around, and I wish that was me. I want to just hold and cuddle with a girl, that's what I want more than sex, and you can't get that from anybody except a girlfriend.


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## mike285 (Aug 21, 2010)

rymo said:


> Yeh..I was 24 until I started getting any and while I did improve my appearance, the biggest difference maker was my attitude.
> 
> Also, I forgot to mention...OP...we judge *ourselves* WAY more harshly than anyone else...so remember that.


Pics or get out.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

mike285 said:


> Pics or get out.


yo momma


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## mike285 (Aug 21, 2010)

rymo said:


> yo momma


I was kidding btw. I just said that because on every thread about apperance, you're like the first one to post and it's always asking for pics haha.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

mike285 said:


> I was kidding btw. I just said that because on every thread about apperance, you're like the first one to post and it's always asking for pics haha.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

WintersTale said:


> I have been hit on by gay guys before,


More evidence that your physical appearance isn't your problem... Guys tend to be a lot more picky than girls when it comes to physical looks.


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> I want to just hold and cuddle with a girl, that's what I want more than sex, and you can't get that from anybody except a girlfriend.


I can totally relate to this :no


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Just Lurking said:


> More evidence that your physical appearance isn't your problem... Guys tend to be a lot more picky than girls when it comes to physical looks.


Yeah, I have heard that before.

I also don't photograph well. My senior year of high school, the photographer said that. He had to adjust the coloring to match what I really looked like.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

Just Lurking said:


> More evidence that your physical appearance isn't your problem... Guys tend to be a lot more picky than girls when it comes to physical looks.


but gay men are guys....wait what? Your comment does not compute.


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## Hopeful25 (Aug 8, 2011)

Dissonance said:


> but gay men are guys....wait what? Your comment does not compute.


I think he means that because gay men are men, and men are more picky than women, that means he's attractive to people who are even more picky than women are.

At least I think that's what he's saying :stu


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Dissonance said:


> but gay men are guys....wait what? Your comment does not compute.





Hopeful25 said:


> I think he means that because gay men are men, and men are more picky than women, that means he's attractive to people who are even more picky than women are.


.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm thoroughly confused.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

WintersTale said:


> How am I supposed to explain that I have never even kissed a girl?


I may be in the minority on this, not sure, but I wouldn't be phased at all if a guy had no sexual past. I would feel really priviledged he trusted me - both in telling me and trying new things with me. It's almost preferable to having sexual experience, to me.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

OK, well the OP got it right away. Good for him.

For the confused spectators:

Guys are generally a lot more picky than girls when it comes to their (potential) mate's physical appearance. If you have GUYS hitting on you, then your physical appearance is (at a minimum) acceptable to those guys. Now, if you're doing OK in the eyes of a gay guy and you take into consideration the first statement in this paragraph, the logical connection is that your physical appearance would be perfectly acceptable to the average girl.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

Just Lurking said:


> OK, well the OP got it right away. Good for him.
> 
> For the confused spectators:
> 
> Guys are generally a lot more picky than girls when it comes to their (potential) mate's physical appearance. If you have GUYS hitting on you, then your physical appearance is (at a minimum) acceptable to those guys. Now, if you're doing OK in the eyes of a gay guy and you take into consideration the first statement in this paragraph, the logical connection is that your physical appearance would be perfectly acceptable to the average girl.


.....I disagree with this comment.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Just Lurking said:


> Guys are generally a lot more picky than girls when it comes to their (potential) mate's physical appearance. If you have GUYS hitting on you, then your physical appearance is (at a minimum) acceptable to those guys. Now, if you're doing OK in the eyes of a gay guy and you take into consideration the first statement in this paragraph, the logical connection is that your physical appearance would be perfectly acceptable to the average girl.


seems to be about the same to me... http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f36/dating-are-men-or-women-more-picky-50359/


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I saw what you deleted.

Most will not care all that much about you being a virgin or having no experience. But it is true that the not having a job and living at home will hinder you a lot in finding a girlfriend at your age. When do you expect to move out?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

****Thread Lock Warning****
This thread had it all.
* bragging about "gettin' any" - this is a SUPPORT SITE, not brag about sex lives to improve self-esteem. You can be "gettin' some" and still have SA and relational issues. Some people on here would rather focus on working on the latter.
* belittling other people's looks.
* almost a gender war. That alone would send out warnings.

Enough is enough with this thread.

Goal #1 - feel comfortable in your own skin. You are a decent person. We may not agree on things, but you are working to combat SA. That is more than what many are doing.


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