# dealing with fear of abandonment.



## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

i'm terrified of people leaving me, and i always blame myself when they do. how do others deal with this?


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

I don't know how you should deal with it but doing the opposite of what I do would be a start. I either push people away at the first sign of stress in the relationship so I don't end up being abandoned by someone I care about (whether they are actually going to abandon me or not) or if I do end up being abandoned by someone I either turn to booze or cigarettes or something likewise unhealthy or I try to supress the hurt and not deal with it which just makes it worse later on. 

Yeah, so don't do any of those things. They just make everything worse.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

dax said:


> I don't know how you should deal with it but doing the opposite of what I do would be a start. I either push people away at the first sign of stress in the relationship so I don't end up being abandoned by someone I care about (whether they are actually going to abandon me or not) or if I do end up being abandoned by someone I either turn to booze or cigarettes or something likewise unhealthy or I try to supress the hurt and not deal with it which just makes it worse later on.
> 
> Yeah, so don't do any of those things. They just make everything worse.


i tend to cling to people because i'm afraid they will leave me...


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## hiimnotcool (Apr 28, 2009)

tigerlilly said:


> i tend to cling to people because i'm afraid they will leave me...


which probably results in them actually leaving, right?

sounds like a really sucky predicament for sure. i can just imagine not wanting someone to leave, so getting clingy is the natural reaction.

i've noticed that when people try to cling to me or start showing too much emotional investment it will make me physically sick and i wont want to be around them.

hopefully things get better for you.


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

tigerlilly said:


> i tend to cling to people because i'm afraid they will leave me...


Do you think the clinginess ends up backfiring because they feel smothered? I think it depends on the person I guess. I don't really like someone who is too clingy friend-wise but I kind of find it to be a positive trait in a girlfriend, in certain doses. Most people including myself do need their freedom and alone time but so long as I get a little of that I like a girl that is clingy.

Where do you think your abandonment issues come from? I suffer from similar issues a lot because a lot of my close friends have drifted away from me in recent years and usually don't include me in when they hanging out or whatever.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I fear the same thing but being abandoned (dumped, whatever) based on being inadequate in a relationship and not being a good boyfriend and doing the things which make girls happy and in love. I suppose it's a fear based on a lack of experience but usually by my age most people do have lots of experience so I would be far behind the 8 ball to begin with.

Probably the reason why I would like to know someone really well first and viceversa so they would completely understand and not have unrealistic expectations.


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## Traci (Jan 26, 2004)

dax said:


> Do you think the clinginess ends up backfiring because they feel smothered? I think it depends on the person I guess. I don't really like someone who is too clingy friend-wise but I kind of find it to be a positive trait in a girlfriend, in certain doses. Most people including myself do need their freedom and alone time but so long as I get a little of that I like a girl that is clingy.
> 
> Where do you think your abandonment issues come from? I suffer from similar issues a lot because a lot of my close friends have drifted away from me in recent years and usually don't include me in when they hanging out or whatever.


tigerlilly, like you I'm afraid of losing people. I think I may have lost some friends too because I was too clingy and scared them off. Now I'm like the anti-clingy but that makes me too distant. Now I'm too scared to even be slightly clingy due to fear of losing someone. So like, I don't have anyone cause I'm afraid anything I do will scare them off. I can't figure out a middleground. I'm not really sure if that made much sense, but yeh.


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## Mobocracy (Jul 5, 2009)

tigerlilly said:


> i'm terrified of people leaving me, and i always blame myself when they do. how do others deal with this?


Have you ever looked into Personality Disorders? Fear of abandonment is a common attribute to Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

Mobocracy said:


> Have you ever looked into Personality Disorders? Fear of abandonment is a common attribute to Borderline Personality Disorder.


that's not the only thing that causes it... thanks, but i'm pretty sure i don't have BPD.


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## jcmp (Jul 5, 2009)

I have adult attachment disorder this has made me very clingy to my one friend - I only seem to have one frind at a time and I get very anxious when they are not with me. I seem to interfere in her life all the time and then end up apologising. I always have this sick anxious feeling in my stomach unless I am with her. I am married with 3 kids and I do not have a physical need for this friend just an emotional dependence. How can I break it and remain good friends but without the anxiety that is driving me mad?


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## Mobocracy (Jul 5, 2009)

tigerlilly said:


> that's not the only thing that causes it... thanks, but i'm pretty sure i don't have BPD.


I know it isn't, i was just suggesting looking beyond the social anxiety disorder. By the way, social anxiety disorder is 100% a SYMPTOM of something else. My biggest mistake was to get treated for Social Anxiety Disorder without digging further to what caused this. After successfully being treated for SA, all of my other issues didn't just disappear. I still had a highly addictive personality, i still had mood swings and i still had interpersonal relationship issues. Later, i was diagnosed with having Bipolar Disorder and yet again it was a mistake to think the buck stopped there. Both SA and BP disorder are now under control and i still found myself with issues effecting my life. Not until reading about personality disorders (have to thank my BPD exgirlfriend for that) did I stumble upon the root cause of most mental health problems which was Ego wounds. I have some significant Narcissistic wounds from childhood. This, in my opinion, led me to the plethora of mental health issues that I have today.

That is why i suggest looking into personality disorders. Honestly ask yourself how did you developed SA. Exactly why do you fear abandonment? How do you deal with these fears?

One of the personality disorders is called Avoidant Personality Disorder which is more extreme version of Social Anxiety. All personality disorders (and most mental health issues) are caused by ego wounds poor emotional regulation. Even if you don't have a personality disorder, the fact that you have SA means that you have some PD tendencies or deficiencies.

I do not have a personality disorder, but i sure do have some narcissistic, histrionic, and avoidant tendencies. Being self-aware of these, I hope to finally kick the demons once and for all.


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