# Help: Guys who have female friends - should I worry?



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

:um


----------



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I agree with you on the way you feel about the situation. There was a thread about this recently in this section. It's worth checking out.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/vie ... hp?t=20744

My opinion on all of this, is I'm VERY supicious of anyone (male or female) that has a lot of friends of the opposite sex. I just don't believe that things can ever be 100% platonic on both sides.


----------



## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

I would tell him that you were very much looking forward to it just being the two of you. She probably should have consulted with the two of you before giving away her VIP tickets. I would even go so far as to ask why he insists on still being friends with her. I don't think it would be out of line to talk to him honestly about it. It's without a doubt an "iffy" scenerio.

The adult bookstore and night in the camper elements make me wonder if someone wants to have a 3 way. But that's complete and total speculation on my part.


Matt


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I think they are just friends. Guys and girls can be 'just' friends as long as they aren't physically attracted to one another.

I would only get really suspicious if they start going to other places without you. You are getting invited as well, so I don't think you have to worry to much about your boyfriend. Maybe she likes him in a romantic way but it doesn't sound like he does or he would be making excuses to see her alone.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

Well thanks for the replies. I feel a little better now that I see people agree with me. I am going to talk to him about it tonight, I just hope I say the right things and not come off the wrong way. I have a problem with that sometimes, because it's hard for me to talk to people about things like that. But I am getting better.


----------



## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

I would not want anyone I am involved with going to an adult bookstore with anyone else, that maybe my personal insecurity I just would not like it. I reread and saw you were invited, IMO, since shes been involved with him, too much familiarity for my taste.

The tickets, you two were planning on going together, you two are the couple, personally I feel it should have been discussed with you, before she was asked/invited what have you. That would upset me.


----------



## peregrine (May 31, 2005)

---


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

Mabye it is just my insecurity..... but it makes it harder that she not only his best friend but also his ex, and I sense a closeness between them that bothers me. I definately don't want to go to the festival with her. But he will be mad if I don't want to go, and then he doesnt go because I didn't go, but then if he does go without me I definately am not going to sit around at home while they are getting f***ked up and sleeping in the same camper for 4 nights. And, there is this other Reggae concert thing Memorial Day weekend that he was going to take me to, and he invited her, right in front of me. I was pissed.


----------



## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

mystic2102 said:


> And, there is this other Reggae concert thing Memorial Day weekend that he was going to take me to, and he invited her, right in front of me. I was pissed.


Ok, by my count, this is the 2nd time he's invited her along on a trip you thought was going to be just the two of you. And in both cases he didn't consult you beforehand.

Your boyfriend is being a di****ad. And it seems if you give him an inch on this he's going to take a mile. I can't even comprehend any of the women i've dated letting me get away with this. I would have been tarred and feathered many moons ago.

Whether or not these two want to get horizontal....he doesn't seem to have any consideration at all for how you feel about the situation.

I say, unleash your anger woman. 

Matt


----------



## KimberlyK (Nov 11, 2004)

I think you need tell him to decide who he wants to be with his ex or you. It is inappropriate for him to spend so much time with her. I could see you and your boyfriend going out with her if she brought a long a date as well but three really is a crowd.


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

mystic2102 said:


> she lied to him and cheated on him, and he is best friends with her, which I don't understand but anyway..).


I don't understand that either. It smells.



> I knew about her but he "conviently" didn't tell me how close they were until just recently. It made me mad that he waited so long to tell me what good friends they are, but I guess he was just trying to protect my feelings.


Yeah, maybe.



> She wanted to go to an adult bookstore with him yesterday, and they wanted me to go with them.


Excuse me?



> It kind of made me upset. Should I be making such a big deal out of this, or should I be worried? ... he is best friends with her, which I don't understand... even though he told me he is not interested in her sexually. Am I being too jealous? Please help.


No, you're not being too jealous. I'd be concerned. He might sleep with this girl, or maybe already has. I wouldn't trust him very far.


----------



## Mork (Apr 11, 2005)

mystic2102 said:


> Mabye it is just my insecurity..... but it makes it harder that she not only his best friend but also his ex


I think concern about a guy spending time with his ex is a reasonable concern. The fact he hid this so long suggests he knows this too. Hope you two can work something out.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

We talked last night and he basically told me that they are friends and I have to deal with it, not in those words but that was the basic conclusion. Since he knows I have a problem dealing with people he told me that he didn't introduce us at first because she is kind of crazy and he didn't know if I could 'handle' it, I guess. I have a right to be mad about it, but he doesn't think he did anything wrong. This is causing problems between us. I don't want to lose him but I either have to accept her and deal with their friendship or I am going to lose him. I don't know what to do. He asks me what is bothering me, and I tell him and he gets mad at me because he said we already dealed with the situation last night, but I can't help it if I am still uncomfortable about the whole situation. I know I should try to get along with people, because I have a problem with it, but I can't help but be mad about the fact that he lied to me about it. Mabye if he introduced her to me from the beginning I would be ok with it. But I just can't seem to get over it. I guess I just have to deal with it and accept their friendship or I am going to lose him.


----------



## Solstice 67 (Feb 7, 2006)

mystic2102 said:


> Since he knows I have a problem dealing with people he told me that he didn't introduce us at first because she is kind of crazy and he didn't know if I could 'handle' it, I guess.


He is trying to sell you a load of crap! The game here is to turn it around and make it seem like it is your fault.



mystic2102 said:


> I know I should try to get along with people, because I have a problem with it, but I can't help but be mad about the fact that he lied to me about it. Mabye if he introduced her to me from the beginning I would be ok with it. But I just can't seem to get over it. I guess I just have to deal with it and accept their friendship or I am going to lose him.


Why would you ever be "ok" with this situation? You can not get over it because you know it stinks and is wrong. Any relationship is supposed to be an equal partnership. He is holding your fear of losing him over your head, blackmailing you into accepting the unacceptable. Have him choose to own up to your relationship or you need to be brave and move on. Do not allow yourself to become his emotional property.


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

^ I don't neccessarily agree with all that, but somehow I missed that you said it was his "ex" that he likes to hang out with all the time. I think its normal to be upset and suspicious about that. 

You can't control him to the point that he can never see his friend again, and he can't control you to the point where you will just accept him hanging around his friend who happens to be his "ex" all the damn time. Some kind of compromise has to be made.

You do trust him, so I would give him the benefit of the doubt instead of making it a make or break kind of deal which almost always will blow up in your face. 

There is a good chance he lied to you or didn't tell you about this right away because he knew you wouldn't like it and be very upset and mad about it. 

You can argue all day who is right and wrong about something doesn't get anywhere if there is no middleground.


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

It still seems pretty fishy, and I don't blame you for being bothered by it. On the one hand, you can't demand he stop seeing her, because you don't (at least I think you don't) have any clear evidence that he's cheating on you (do you?). On the other, he's your boyfriend, and boyfriend's are supposed to care about what their girlfriends feel. If he knows this upsets you, he ought to be doing something about it, rather than just saying it's your issue, get over it. That in itself doesn't seem right to me and suggests, at the very least, he is not being sensitive enough to your feelings (at most he's trying to have two girlfriends at once, but I don't have any evidence of that so I don't want to go there).


----------



## Solstice 67 (Feb 7, 2006)

Mystic,
I am willing to back down from my previous post and say that if they are just friends, you are obligated to seek the middle ground that Prodigal_Son was talking about.



Prodigal_Son said:


> There is a good chance he lied to you or didn't tell you about this right away because he knew you wouldn't like it and be very upset and mad about it.


I remain guarded about this statement. I dont think it is necessary to protect someone from a truth that is honest or good. If the relationship with the ex is paltonic, why hide it at all?


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

Prodigal_Son said:


> You can't control him to the point that he can never see his friend again, and he can't control you to the point where you will just accept him hanging around his friend who happens to be his "ex" all the @#$% time. Some kind of compromise has to be made.


I am definately not trying to control him. I would never tell him that I don't want him to see his friends. And you are right, a compromise has to be made but he is not compromising with me. He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with him lying to me about the whole thing, and he thinks I just have to get over it. Everytime I try to say something about it he gets all mad and defensive.



LittleZion said:


> It still seems pretty fishy, and I don't blame you for being bothered by it. On the one hand, you can't demand he stop seeing her, because you don't (at least I think you don't) have any clear evidence that he's cheating on you (do you?). On the other, he's your boyfriend, and boyfriend's are supposed to care about what their girlfriends feel. If he knows this upsets you, he ought to be doing something about it, rather than just saying it's your issue, get over it. That in itself doesn't seem right to me and suggests, at the very least, he is not being sensitive enough to your feelings (at most he's trying to have two girlfriends at once, but I don't have any evidence of that so I don't want to go there).


THANK YOU :nw that is exactly how I feel. I am so frustrated because he doesn't seem to care about my feelings. And I am not worried about him cheating on me or trying to have two girlfriends at once. He is not like that and I trust him completely.


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

> If the relationship with the ex is paltonic, why hide it at all?


Because he may realize that it would not be taken as platonic. He may have wait for the appropiate time or when he had enough courage or when he realized that he must tell her as he couldn't keep it from her forever. I can kind of relate to it, because I have been in a similar situation.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

Solstice 67 said:


> Mystic,
> I am willing to back down from my previous post and say that if they are just friends, you are obligated to seek the middle ground that Prodigal_Son was talking about.
> 
> [quote="Prodigal_Son":210e3]There is a good chance he lied to you or didn't tell you about this right away because he knew you wouldn't like it and be very upset and mad about it.


I remain guarded about this statement. I dont think it is necessary to protect someone from a truth that is honest or good. If the relationship with the ex is paltonic, why hide it at all?[/quote:210e3]



Prodigal_Son said:


> Quote:
> If the relationship with the ex is paltonic, why hide it at all?
> 
> Because he may realize that it would not be taken as platonic. He may have wait for the appropiate time or when he had enough courage or when he realized that he must tell her as he couldn't keep it from her forever. I can kind of relate to it, because I have been in a similar situation.


I agree with both of you on this. Solstice, you are right when you said if the relationship was platonic then why hide it. But I think Prodigal was right also. He also didn't tell me because of my SA. He thought I mabye wouldn't get along with her and he wanted to wait until the right time.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

I think I figured it out. He knows he was wrong by lying to me but he doesn't want to admit it, and he is not very apologetic about it. That's why he gets mad everytime I try to say something about it. He is a very complex person and I haven't figured out the best way to handle him yet when we are arguing. He seems to put words in my mouth and twist things around. Maybe it's because in my head I know what I want to say but it doesn't come out right. I understand he doesn't want to drag it out but I can't help my feelings. When I try to tell him my feelings he gets mad. Then everything keeps going around in circles, and nothing gets resolved. I think my problem is when he first told me it took a while for me to realize what he really did, so after we talked I kind of understood where he was coming from but I was still mad, and I didn't feel like he cared.


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Seems like typical usual pointless bickering between two lovers if you ask me. 

Happens all the time, I suggest just not letting it turn into one of those somebody is wrong, somebody is right arguments. 

It seems like he is frustrated with the whole thing and think it has dragged on to long, it seems you are still hurt and want your feelings validated from him. 

To me, it isn't that big of a deal and you two have been arguing about it for almost a week. I really don't know what to suggest. I could say compromise where the both of you are happy with the result, but I said that before and it is much easier said than done.

If you guys stop arguing and then have unresolved issues where you are still upset with him, that will come out in your next argument, if he is still mad at you and you keep hanging something he did over his head and he doesn't want to hear about it, well then he is going to be frustrated and annoyed and that will come out eventually as well. 

Relationships are complex. Even in the best ones you will have fights. 

Maybe making the first step to apologize to him and giving him a hug. This softens up a lot of people and they are no longer in defense mode and he might apologize for what they feel they did wrongly to you as well.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

:um


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Well, from my experience little fights like these just happens in relationships...at one time or another. On the outside looking in, it always looks like pointless bickering but when you are in a relationship and emotions are involved its another story completely. 

I don't think its a 'man thing' because there are plenty of women who will never admit when they are wrong either not just a specific gender. It is possible that he feels he hasn't did anything wrong and handled it the only way he knew how, you feel he has did something wrong, he may feel you are handling the situation wrong its just different perspectives.

Or as you said he could just be very stubborn and feels he has did something wrong and doesn't want to admit it as a showing of weakness. If he apologized it would be like admitting defeat, if he feels that way. 

Again, I wouldn't look at is right/wrong, winning/losing an argument, but that is difficult to do as well. Your voice was heard, I'm sure he got the message. If you feel like you got some closure you probably don't need to bring it up again. 

Of course, you can be reasonable, if he is hanging around this woman 24-7 or you have good reason to believe he is cheating on you I would be suspicious as well. You seem to trust him though.

Just my 2 cents and good luck.


----------



## sparkations (Nov 26, 2003)

To me, it sounds extremely fishy, and the fact that she was his ex makes it even worse. There is always some residual tension after a break up. Also, why would a guy choose to even continue talking to a girl who cheated on him?


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

He and she were going to an adult bookstore together, and they invited you. Does that not sound a little "off" to you? 

You are the girlfriend. She is the ex. He's not behaving that way. 

It really bothers me when you say he's not taking responsbility, making it all your fault. I think, "control freak!" "always needs to be right!" "can't admit a mistake or say he's sorry!" warning will robinson.


----------



## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

sparkations said:


> Also, why would a guy choose to even continue talking to a girl who cheated on him?


Indeed, I'm also perplexed by this!!! I guess maybe if they dated when they were in high school I can see where he's coming from. Even then it still seems rather odd. Was this a looong time ago or say 10 months ago??

Matt


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

Prodigal_Son said:


> Or as you said he could just be very stubborn and feels he has did something wrong and doesn't want to admit it as a showing of weakness. If he apologized it would be like admitting defeat, if he feels that way.


I believe you are right, I think he doesn't want to admit it because it would be a sign of weakness.

Matt - they broke up before I started dating him, about a year or so ago. He said they have been friends for about 3 years.



c0 said:


> To me this is what you should concentrate on. If he cared about your feelings, he would see her alot less often, just because it bothered you. You're not asking him to completely stop being friends with her and he should realize MOST people would not be ok with something like this. This is deffinately not a normal situation and I believe you have every right to be suspicious and upset. I agree with other posts that it's a strong possibility that something else might be going on. From what you've told us so far, it seems that as if you're the friend and him and her are in a relationship. WTF is that??? Think about it!
> 
> I would put my foot down and tell him straight out how much this is bothering you and that it's totally abnormal. If he's not willing to change, you should re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself how much more mental abuse can you endure... You will not be able to magically wake up one day and be ok with this whole thing. What do you think?


I agree with you, but I feel like I can't put my foot down with him because then he would feel like I am telling him how to run his life. He doesn't like being told what to do, he doesn't like being backed in to a corner. He was married for 10 years to someone who treated him like that, and I think he is just not going to take it from anyone else. All I was doing was trying to stand up for myself and tell him that I wasn't ok with it, and I think he maybe took it as me trying to tell him what to do, but I wasn't. I told him how I feel about everything, not to start an argument but just to tell him where I stand with "her". I said that I was upset that he didn't tell me about her, that I don't understand why he is friends with her, I don't trust her and I don't want to be her friend, but I will accept her as his friend. And I said that I would go to Bonnaroo with him even though she would be there, because I know that it is something that he really wants to do. I didn't want to be like "well I am not going because _she_ is going. I felt that way at first but I didn't want to cause anymore problems by not going.


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

mystic2102 said:


> [....] I agree with you, but I feel like I can't put my foot down with him because then he would feel like I am telling him how to run his life. He doesn't like being told what to do, he doesn't like being backed in to a corner. He was married for 10 years to someone who treated him like that, and I think he is just not going to take it from anyone else. All I was doing was trying to stand up for myself and tell him that I wasn't ok with it, and I think he maybe took it as me trying to tell him what to do, but I wasn't. I told him how I feel about everything, not to start an argument but just to tell him where I stand with "her". I said that I was upset that he didn't tell me about her, that I don't understand why he is friends with her, I don't trust her and I don't want to be her friend, but I will accept her as his friend. And I said that I would go to Bonnaroo with him even though she would be there, because I know that it is something that he really wants to do. I didn't want to be like "well I am not going because _she_ is going. I felt that way at first but I didn't want to cause anymore problems by not going.


I think you should cause problems by not going.

I think you should put your foot down already. Make him choose!


----------



## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I don't think you should make him choose like that...


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

ok come on, why not? Don't you think she should put her foot down already?


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

:um


----------



## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

Well, ok, maybe that wasn't my best idea ever. So never mind.

But listen, you need to stand up for yourself somehow. This guy does not know how to behave in a relationship; his boundaries are all messed up, and he's blaming it all on you. Don't just tolerate being mistreated like that. Are you afraid that if you stand up to him, he'll hurt you or leave you? You seem like you're just willing to ignore and overlook all this stuff, for the sake of the "relationship," and I don't think that's healthy at all. It reminds me of the women who'll just put up with anything, because they "love" their man, because they're scared of asserting themselves, or because they fear being alone. 

All I can tell you is, if it were me, and my girlfriend were behaving that way, we would be having a SERIOUS and very heated discussion. I would not tolerate it for a minute.


----------



## mystic2102 (Mar 4, 2005)

LittleZion - I think you are right, I guess I am afraid of losing him. But I feel like I was wrong by the way I handled the situation, so I feel like I don't have a right to say anything. Like I said in the other post, he was married to someone who tried to control him and I don't want to control him like that, because he won't put up with it. I guess my compromise was that I told him it was wrong of him to lie to me about her but I will accept her as _his_ friend, not mine.


----------

