# Therapist leaving town to attend a funeral



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

My therapist is leaving town to attend a funeral. I feel really sad for her, I've been crying off and on since I left my session today. I know I'm going to worry for her all week until our next session. She probably has better internal tools for dealing with grief than the average person but I know she is still undeniably human. I really want to discuss with her how I'm feeling, how sorry I am for her loss, but I don't want to cause her any unnecessary pain during this difficult time. Part of me says her personal life is none of my business, after all she is my therapist not my friend. But I'm so worried about her it's really affecting my emotional/mental health. So I'm looking for advice--What should I do? Bring it up or no? I typically understand the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship, but in this case I am not so sure what to do. :|


----------



## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

While it's certainly nice to feel some sympathy for her,crying off and on and being upset to such an extent seems odd to me. You seem to have an unhealthy, extreme attachment to her-I'd be more concerned about that than anything else. I'd express my sympathy for her loss then discuss why you're having this unusual reaction.


----------



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

Still Waters said:


> While it's certainly nice to feel some sympathy for her,crying off and on and being upset to such an extent seems odd to me. You seem to have an unhealthy, extreme attachment to her-I'd be more concerned about that than anything else. I'd express my sympathy for her loss then discuss why you're having this unusual reaction.


I honestly don't think that I have an "unhealthy, extreme attachment to her", I would feel this way about anyone going through a tough time. I just really, really worry about others happiness more than I should. She has told me many times that she is shocked at how empathetic I am (she thinks it is a strength of mine), but I feel that this is one of those cases where my empathy is out of control and is actually more of a weakness.

For example, one of my biggest fears is going to the store. I worked up the courage to go to the store the other night, but froze when it was time to interact with the cashier. I felt I had really hurt her feelings, like I had made her feel like she wasn't good enough or was strange because I wouldn't (*couldn't) interact with her. I could tell my awkwardness had made her feel awkward. I cried about that for awhile too, and I'm definitely not extremely attached to that cashier I had never even met before. We discussed this in therapy and my therapist described it as an example of my empathetic qualities. My anxiety comes from not wanting to make others feel like they are not understood, from making them feel as terrible as I have been made to feel. I just really worry for other people and know what it's like to be sad, so I want to do what I can to make sure they aren't sad. It's definitely an issue we talk about heavily in therapy--how I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. But as of now, this issue is not resolved and I still feel that responsibility for everyone's happiness, not just my therapist's.

Until today I didn't find myself thinking of her much in between therapy sessions, except briefly to reflect on or implement some kind of coping technique or advice she had given me. I have always used the in-between time to work on my personal issues, since that is why I am going to therapy.

So the issue is really about a human being suddenly being sad and typical me trying to find a way to help. It's an important issue, I know, but I don't want to bring it up so soon if it will make her more sad, even though I feel like I may need to bring it up.

I don't know if I'm making sense or not, it's been a long day and I'm feeling slightly delirious from the combination of cold medicine and a semi-high fever >_<


----------



## Gorefiend (Apr 18, 2013)

Wait it out and see how you feel by the next therapy session. It might have passed by then. If it has, then just let it be, because it isn't an ideal situation. I don't know how close your therapist is to the deceased, but either way it's also a little bit about stepping over the boundaries. So see if you can avoid it.
But if you can't, it's still her job to deal with these kinda things. I'm sure she's encountered situations like this before, where the lines get a bit blurred out and she has to presume her business role. It's not your job to act appropriate in therapy, it's her job. For all you know, the deceased was a distant relative, in which case she might not feel that bad about it. I don't think she'll be working if she's so broken up about her loss, so my guess is she'll find a way.. And then it's still her job to talk about these encounters and help you cope with them, even if it you're stepping a bit out line. If she thinks it's too much, she will inform you. The most important part of being in therapy is being able to be open and honest and 100% yourself.


----------



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

Gorefiend said:


> Wait it out and see how you feel by the next therapy session. It might have passed by then. If it has, then just let it be, because it isn't an ideal situation. I don't know how close your therapist is to the deceased, but either way it's also a little bit about stepping over the boundaries. So see if you can avoid it.
> But if you can't, it's still her job to deal with these kinda things. I'm sure she's encountered situations like this before, where the lines get a bit blurred out and she has to presume her business role. It's not your job to act appropriate in therapy, it's her job. For all you know, the deceased was a distant relative, in which case she might not feel that bad about it. I don't think she'll be working if she's so broken up about her loss, so my guess is she'll find a way.. And then it's still her job to talk about these encounters and help you cope with them, even if it you're stepping a bit out line. If she thinks it's too much, she will inform you. The most important part of being in therapy is being able to be open and honest and 100% yourself.


Thanks for the response! Sounds like good advice to me, I'll treat it as a wait-and-see situation. I don't have therapy again until Monday, so hopefully the feeling will have passed or at least lessened by then. I don't know how close she was to the deceased either, but she is taking a week's vacation after the funeral so I'd imagine it's someone pretty close. I really like your statement, "It's not your job to act appropriate in therapy, it's her job." So much truth in there. Sometimes it's hard for me to be completely open in therapy because my therapist rarely discloses any details about herself (just like a good therapist should!) and I'm afraid that I will say something that will make her feel bad or cause her own past personal issues to resurface, since I have no idea what they are, except that she has said that I remind her a lot of herself when she was young. I suppose I should bring that up too. To me she embodies the image of someone who is 100% confident in her own skin, and I don't want to say/do something to wreck that for her, however unlikely/impossible that may be XD


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

I say bring it up, even if the feeling passes by then. The reason why is because it seems to be a pattern of yours, and this is another example of it. Yes, you have some strong empathy, but I think there is something else in these occurences. I believe you are kind of reliving some experience where you had to (wrongly) protect someone else's feelings for an extended period. I would guess that you have an important person in your life who you had to tiptoe around so as not to upset. From what you say here, you take on way too much responsibility for others. Hopefully the therapist can see that and help you get free from that. Just my opinion, I could be wrong of course!


----------



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

Pam said:


> I say bring it up, even if the feeling passes by then. The reason why is because it seems to be a pattern of yours, and this is another example of it. Yes, you have some strong empathy, but I think there is something else in these occurences. *I believe you are kind of reliving some experience where you had to (wrongly) protect someone else's feelings for an extended period. I would guess that you have an important person in your life who you had to tiptoe around so as not to upset. From what you say here, you take on way too much responsibility for others.* Hopefully the therapist can see that and help you get free from that. Just my opinion, I could be wrong of course!


Nope, you're exactly correct.  My father has never had many friends because he's kind of a jerk XD When my parents divorced when I was 11 I was the only person he had to express his feelings to. I had to listen to him bad-mouth and degrade my mother constantly. I had to agree with and comfort him or he would get angry and call me "cruel, uncaring, stupid/blind". He would get upset with me if I would try to hang out with my friends without inviting him. He still does this and doesn't understand why I think it's weird for my 55 year old father to be hanging out with and flirting with my 20-something year old friends. I've always had to take care of him, make sure he is eating right, clean the house for him, do his laundry, etc. When I would refuse he would stop taking care of himself and let himself waste away, and then blame me for it. I then began to, however inadvertently, form friendships that would place me in the role of caretaker since that is a role I feel comfortable in. I still do this, but it's gotten better since I started therapy--I definitely spend far less nights crying about others' life tragedies.

Wow, I can't believe I just said all that publicly. Anonymity does strange things to a person haha

My therapist and I discuss this heavily in therapy, and she knows that my feelings of responsibility for others' happiness has a huge impact on me. She tells me I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own and I do know rationally that this is true. But somehow even knowing this, I can't break free from _feeling_ that sense of responsibility. I'm sure with time and hard work I'll be able to get past this. I'm going to be really excited when that day finally comes, that's for sure.


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

KumaKhameleon said:


> Nope, you're exactly correct.  My father has never had many friends because he's kind of a jerk XD When my parents divorced when I was 11 I was the only person he had to express his feelings to. I had to listen to him bad-mouth and degrade my mother constantly. I had to agree with and comfort him or he would get angry and call me "cruel, uncaring, stupid/blind". He would get upset with me if I would try to hang out with my friends without inviting him. He still does this and doesn't understand why I think it's weird for my 55 year old father to be hanging out with and flirting with my 20-something year old friends. I've always had to take care of him, make sure he is eating right, clean the house for him, do his laundry, etc. When I would refuse he would stop taking care of himself and let himself waste away, and then blame me for it. I then began to, however inadvertently, form friendships that would place me in the role of caretaker since that is a role I feel comfortable in. I still do this, but it's gotten better since I started therapy--I definitely spend far less nights crying about others' life tragedies.
> 
> Wow, I can't believe I just said all that publicly. Anonymity does strange things to a person haha
> 
> My therapist and I discuss this heavily in therapy, and she knows that my feelings of responsibility for others' happiness has a huge impact on me. She tells me I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own and I do know rationally that this is true. But somehow even knowing this, I can't break free from _feeling_ that sense of responsibility. I'm sure with time and hard work I'll be able to get past this. I'm going to be really excited when that day finally comes, that's for sure.


Oh yeah, you definitely are put between a rock and a hard place! That's not fair. It's very manipulative of him to do this. Selfish.

I'm glad you do already talk about this with your counselor. A lot of people on here say something here and then are too afraid to bring it up with their counselor.

I know exactly what you mean by your feelings not matching up to what you know rationally. Sometimes knowing things doesn't seem to change how you feel. I have problems with that a lot over my life. One thing I do is write about the feelings from the (in your case it could be) 11 yr old's pov. Have her write about how it felt that he burdened her with his adult problems and wasn't there for you to guide you, be a parent. That's what I do--it's the only thing I've found that relieves the feelings. Just writing the feelings out, or write a letter to him from her, but don't send it. The point is just to express it and get it out of your system. You are good at empathy and you could probably step into your own shoes from back then pretty easily. IDK if it works on other people, but it helps me a lot. Especially if I end up crying, because you know, it's not just writing an intellectual letter, it's an emotional thing.

In the present tho you can strengthen your boundaries and work on the guilt you probably will feel about distancing yourself. But that's healthy and you deserve it. :yes


----------



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

Pam said:


> Oh yeah, you definitely are put between a rock and a hard place! That's not fair. It's very manipulative of him to do this. Selfish.
> 
> I'm glad you do already talk about this with your counselor. A lot of people on here say something here and then are too afraid to bring it up with their counselor.
> 
> ...


I trust my therapist more than anyone else, so I tell her much more than I'm willing to post on the internet. I go to therapy because I desperately want get better, and I won't get better if I continue to hide from my emotions, even thought they can be incredibly difficult to face.

I already use writing a lot to help me cope with my emotions, so I'll definitely try that letter thing!

I recently moved out of state to get away from my dad. He still calls me and tells me all the time how alone he is, how sick he is, etc. so I still feel pretty guilty about it. It's probably one of the reasons why my anxiety got so much worse when I moved. But hey, that's what prompted me to get therapy so I guess it's kind of a good thing.  He also still loves to tell me how terrible my mother is, so when he goes into one of his rants about how she doesn't love me, I just tell him I don't believe that's true. If he keeps going I tell him I'm going to hang up the phone, and if he doesn't stop after that, I hang up. Setting boundaries is hard work, but hopefully he'll learn that I am not going to put up with him trying to constantly break me down. If he wants me to be in his life he's going to have to start treating me more appropriately.


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

KumaKhameleon said:


> I trust my therapist more than anyone else, so I tell her much more than I'm willing to post on the internet. I go to therapy because I desperately want get better, and I won't get better if I continue to hide from my emotions, even thought they can be incredibly difficult to face.
> 
> I already use writing a lot to help me cope with my emotions, so I'll definitely try that letter thing!
> 
> I recently moved out of state to get away from my dad. He still calls me and tells me all the time how alone he is, how sick he is, etc. so I still feel pretty guilty about it. It's probably one of the reasons why my anxiety got so much worse when I moved. But hey, that's what prompted me to get therapy so I guess it's kind of a good thing.  He also still loves to tell me how terrible my mother is, so when he goes into one of his rants about how she doesn't love me, I just tell him I don't believe that's true. If he keeps going I tell him I'm going to hang up the phone, and if he doesn't stop after that, I hang up. Setting boundaries is hard work, but hopefully he'll learn that I am not going to put up with him trying to constantly break me down. If he wants me to be in his life he's going to have to start treating me more appropriately.


I know setting boundaries is very hard. It took me til my _30s_ to really decide I had to distance myself from my (abusive) father and my other few family members in general rather than kill myself trying to win their approval. Which was never going to come. Some people are nothing but unhealthy and they don't plan on changing, unfortunately. It's just so hard when they happen to be in your family. In the past I used to be filled with guilt, about what, IDK, just that when you are a nice person, you want to get a long with the other people in your family, and when I couldn't do it, I blamed myself. WRONG! It wasn't my fault. It's just some people are impossible to get along with. (There are a couple narcissists in my family).

Wow, you moved? That should make it much easier. You seem very mature at your age and you have a really good attitude about therapy & getting better. :yes


----------



## KumaKhameleon (Apr 18, 2013)

Pam said:


> I know setting boundaries is very hard. It took me til my _30s_ to really decide I had to distance myself from my (abusive) father and my other few family members in general rather than kill myself trying to win their approval. Which was never going to come. Some people are nothing but unhealthy and they don't plan on changing, unfortunately. It's just so hard when they happen to be in your family. In the past I used to be filled with guilt, about what, IDK, just that when you are a nice person, you want to get a long with the other people in your family, and when I couldn't do it, I blamed myself. WRONG! It wasn't my fault. It's just some people are impossible to get along with. (There are a couple narcissists in my family).
> 
> Wow, you moved? That should make it much easier. You seem very mature at your age and you have a really good attitude about therapy & getting better. :yes


Thanks for sharing your story  Glad you could distance yourself from that situation, and I'm glad you don't blame yourself for it anymore. You're right, it's *not* your fault. You seem like a really good person, and you definitely deserve nothing less than the best treatment from others. 

You are definitely correct about some people being unhealthy and not planning on changing. There's quite a few of those in my family as well. XD Not quite narcissists in my case, but they're the kind of people that put on this mask when they go out into the world, everyone thinks they're great, kind people, but behind closed doors they are quite the opposite. I try not to blame them for it, I know they're just unhappy and angry inside for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean I have to associate with them or try to please them all them time. :yes

Thanks for adding me as a friend on here, I really appreciate it! :mushy I also saw that you have a link to your Facebook account in your signature. That's *very* brave of you! I hope I'm strong enough to do that someday!  It seems like owning your SA would somehow make it more manageable. It's tiring having to constantly come up with excuses as to why I can't go shopping, to the movies, or out to eat with people--what I really want to say is, "It's not you, it's ME!!" :doh


----------

