# Wife is now cheating on me because I don't "open up enough"



## djcg (Jun 12, 2014)

My wife of 12 years has now turned to cheating in order to get the emotional satisfaction she needs in life. Does anyone have any experience with this. I'm so hurt and broken now, and I struggle so much as it is with my disorder. I just hate this, I feel numb, I feel like I just don't want to be here any more. Why do we deserve this on us?


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## masterridley (Jan 20, 2007)

That's a s****y excuse if you ask me. I don't know what to say cause I don't have any experiences, maybe other posters will help you. But if she blames you for her cheating, then it seems to me like she's taking advantage of your weakness.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

That sucks...I've suffered through spousal infidelity. 

I now realize, that I shouldn't have forgiven it when it happened. It created greater anxiety than before. At least I shoukd have confronted her in a manner that had her taking primary responsibility instead of accepting my issues as the driving force.

What is your first thought on how to react? How did you find out?


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## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

Sucks man. Blaming you for what was ultimately her choice is low.

I've been cheated on before in relationships. I did forgive the women who did it - for myself rather than for their sakes - but I also broke up with each of them on the spot when I found out. I would never stay with a woman who cheated on me, as I would never really trust her again.


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## Metus (Dec 6, 2010)

Cheating wives almost always rationalize that it's the husband's fault. It saves her from seeing herself as the kind of person she really is. This way she can tell herself and everyone else, "I didn't choose to do it. I HAD to. Because of him."

You're married to a wife who screws around. That's the only relevant fact. You have to get started on the divorce ASAP. Get in contact with a good lawyer and remain amicable in the meantime. Don't let her know what you're doing until the ball is rolling. If there are kids involved, you have to see what you can do for them. If not, it makes the process a bit smoother.

There is no saving the marriage. She doesn't care about the marriage and she has no respect for you or the vows she made.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

You should talk to her, and have a real open and honest discussion about the relationship and each other.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

You might be able to get out of paying alimony in this situation. Then you can "open up" her sister


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

That's really awful of your wife to do that. She insults you and the marriage by committing emotional extortion by cheating on you? One would hope they would take the high road and go to you and talk to you about what was so unsatisfying about the relationship and what they weren't getting out of it that they needed more of. That's such an awful way to rip someone's heart out.

I can understand how frustrating it can be when dealing with someone who is stoic, but cheating is not the way to do it. All you can really do it seems is get a hold of a good lawyer and start the divorce proceedings.


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## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

Gwynevere said:


> You should talk to her, and have a real open and honest discussion about the relationship and each other.


His wife felt that cheating on him was a better solution than having a discussion, apparently.


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## SupaDupaFly (Sep 1, 2011)

I would just dump her if i was you.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Jammer25 said:


> His wife felt that cheating on him was a better solution than having a discussion, apparently.


You don't know that, we only have a very limited amount of information. It would be better for him to discuss it with her rather than throw away 12 years of marriage out of spite.


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## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

Gwynevere said:


> You don't know that, we only have a very limited amount of information. It would be better for him to discuss it with her rather than throw away 12 years of marriage out of spite.


I'm going off the information the OP provided. You are making a (currently) baseless assumption that his wife tried to have a legitimate discussion with him before cheating.

Besides, his wife already threw away the marriage the moment she cheated.


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

I'm sorry for your pain. 

I just don't think this happen over night. You had to see some signs that she wasn't happy. Most people in marriages that are unhappy show that long before they cheat.

You are gong to have to make some hard decision wither your going to stay with her are trying to work it out. You didn't say if kids are involved but that will be what I would be more worried about at this time. They are the ones that are going to have the hard road because of her. You have to be careful with how you treat her because lying & cheating go hand in hand. Who knows at this point if you even know what she telling you is at all true.


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## Whatev (Feb 6, 2012)

You should just leave her if she cheated on you once she'll probably do it again. Not sure how you could ever fully trust anyone after that regardless of their excuse.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

I agree, I wasted a huge amount of my life with someone who cheated, she also tried to make out it was to do with my issues, yet she never tried being supportive to build me up, I would never give a cheat a second chance now, we all know cheating is wrong, so no need for any chances, that ex was also a big contributer to my depression which made my SA worse, I felt so much better finally being free from her, so yes my advice is get away ASAP.


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

RaisedOnBadPuns said:


> You should just leave her if she cheated on you once she'll probably do it again. Not sure how you could ever fully trust anyone after that regardless of their excuse.


I'm sorry but this isn't black and white there lot more things that happen in marriage beside just cheating. I think that the problem with people today is they just dump the other person and don't even try to work things out. May be that why the divorce rate is over 50%.

Not all cheaters will cheat again. But all will tell you there not happy. *Why?*

RaisedOnBadPuns have you ever been marriage?


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

If you want to talk to someone who has been married to someone who cheated, let me know. If you are getting advice from speculators, you may want to talk with someone who has walked in your shoes.


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## Puppet Master (Jan 1, 2012)

Sorry to hear your going through that I'm not going to try offering advice since I've never been in that situation. But I won't lie I'd leave and wouldn't listen to any excuses but that's me. You need to figure out what is best for you no one else can tell you that.


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## Metus (Dec 6, 2010)

Jammer25 said:


> I'm going off the information the OP provided. You are making a (currently) baseless assumption that his wife tried to have a legitimate discussion with him before cheating.
> 
> Besides, his wife already threw away the marriage the moment she cheated.


You beat me to it. She already threw the marriage away. There are no good outcomes here even if the marriage remained legally intact. She had no respect for either him or the marriage when she decided to love another man(she said EMOTIONAL. Don't think this is merely a sexual tryst).

If he takes her cheating while she simultaneously puts him down and maintains the marriage she will respect him even less and she will either cheat again or be the one to throw him out(most likely both).

If he is going to maintain the marriage, he must check out of it and only accept her if she comes crawling back, seeing the errors of her ways. Even then, I wouldn't take her back.

If he wants to live in a dead marriage where she admits to having not even any love toward him and continue to be cuckolded, he should take Gwynvere's advice.

Otherwise he should regain his dignity and find a woman who would treat him with a modicum of respect. Even being alone is better than being married to someone like that.

Offensive action has been taken against you. You're vulnerable now but you have to take defensive action or she will do what she can to further destroy you.


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## Metus (Dec 6, 2010)

Puppet Master said:


> Sorry to hear your going through that I'm not going to try offering advice since I've never been in that situation. But I won't lie I'd leave and wouldn't listen to any excuses but that's me. You need to figure out what is best for you no one else can tell you that.


That's not an excuse. An excuse would be "I was drunk" or "it was a mistake". There would be an undertone of apology or regret. What she said wasn't an excuse but instead her driving the knife in his back to the hilt. She DOES NOT regret what she has done.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

Just Here said:


> I'm sorry but this isn't black and white there lot more things that happen in marriage beside just cheating. I think that the problem with people today is they just dump the other person and don't even try to work things out. May be that why the divorce rate is over 50%.
> 
> Not all cheaters will cheat again. But all will tell you there not happy. *Why?*
> 
> RaisedOnBadPuns have you ever been marriage?


Cheating has nothing to do with unhappiness, if you are unhappy (a) do nothing, put up with it (b) talk to your partner and work to make things better (c) leave and find someone that makes you happy. Cheating is simply the act of a bad selfish uncaring worthless person, unhappiness is just an excuse.


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## zoslow (Jun 2, 2014)

Time to ditch her and roll solo or find another woman. I understand it must feel difficult but I assure you that you will feel much better once it's done with.


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## ThisGirl15 (Mar 1, 2014)

Talk about the issue with her and both try to have an adult discussion on the cheating and what's causing the unhappiness in your marriage. Also try to figure out solutions to these problems. 

Adultry situations are not all the same. Remember that if your wife ia truely sorry and doesn't do it again, give her forgiveness because she screwed up and is trying not to again. If she is the type of adulterer who seems to not have cares if she had hurted you and is not afraid to do it again, well you know. 

Basically see if she wants to rebuild your marriage or if she gave up and wants to leave it.


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## yelda (Jun 12, 2010)

"open marriage" is an option!


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

Schmosby said:


> Cheating has nothing to do with unhappiness, if you are unhappy (a) do nothing, put up with it (b) talk to your partner and work to make things better (c) leave and find someone that makes you happy. Cheating is simply the act of a bad selfish uncaring worthless person, unhappiness is just an excuse.


It sound like you got it all figured out.

A. Do nothing and live your life in hell.

B. Talk to her and nothing changes and you become spiteful.

C. You turn the other persons to life in to hell.

I agree that what she did was bad but to just throw in the towel without seeing if she sorry and want to reconcile is also wrong.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

Just Here said:


> It sound like you got it all figured out.
> 
> A. Do nothing and live your life in hell.
> 
> ...


You've got the wrong end of the stick, the abc were the legitimate options she had, that she should have used if she was genuinely unhappy, my point was cheating is not an acceptable resolution to unhappiness in a relationship, it's simply not applicable.

The options he has now are to stay with a s**t that doesn't care about him at all, or move on and find a real human to be with.


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## djcg (Jun 12, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all the insightful comments. I have been talking a lot with my wife, but she seems to be just angry at me for having this disorder and not being able to just "get over it". I feel that maybe its irreconcilable at this point, but we have several children together and that's the part that really stinks.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

djcg said:


> Thanks everyone for all the insightful comments. I have been talking a lot with my wife, but she seems to be just angry at me for having this disorder and not being able to just "get over it". I feel that maybe its irreconcilable at this point, but we have several children together and that's the part that really stinks.


Yea she sounds selfish, maybe she would rather have the kids out of her hair too, have you asked her if you can take the kids?


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

I don't think all that angry is at you but more about the way she has treat you. She just using you as an excuse to justify what she has done. Don't let her get by with this.

Schmosby is right that she should have come to you before she cheated and told you the marriage is over. Very hard to do I have seen both sides of this and neither way ends good.


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## tooljunkie (May 31, 2014)

Just Here said:


> Not all cheaters will cheat again. But all will tell you there not happy. *Why?*
> 
> RaisedOnBadPuns have you ever been marriage?


I beg to differ. I have been married 10 years now and have never cheated on her. If I ever do, I will admit that the marriage is over and get a divorce.
Now when I was young, single and had girlfriends, I cheated on every single one. If they new I cheated and chose to still stay with me, I would see it as an invite to keep doing it. 
I think all cheaters will cheat on you again if you accept it just once. The trust is gone. Too much wandering if it's happening again. Just move on.


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

tooljunkie said:


> I beg to differ. I have been married 10 years now and have never cheated on her. If I ever do, I will admit that the marriage is over and get a divorce.
> Now when I was young, single and had girlfriends, I cheated on every single one. If they new I cheated and chose to still stay with me, I would see it as an invite to keep doing it.
> I think all cheaters will cheat on you again if you accept it just once. The trust is gone. Too much wandering if it's happening again. Just move on.


I don't think you can use your single life as an example. I have know people that have only cheated once in there life. One of them was my father. I also think that some marries can be saved after cheating but it will be a lot of work.

The reason you cheated on your girlfriends is they evidently didn't mean much to you or the next one was better than the one you had. Nothing wrong with that but I'm so tired of people give up without even trying.

Yes cheating is wrong and such a bad thing but there are lot worst things a person could do.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

Just Here said:


> I don't think you can use your single life as an example. I have know people that have only cheated once in there life. One of them was my father. I also think that some marries can be saved after cheating but it will be a lot of work.
> 
> The reason you cheated on your girlfriends is they evidently didn't mean much to you or the next one was better than the one you had. Nothing wrong with that but I'm so tired of people give up without even trying.
> 
> Yes cheating is wrong and such a bad thing but there are lot worst things a person could do.


It's the person that cheats that has given up on the marriage, not the person who does the sensible bit of applying for divorce after they find out. Where is the trying in cheating?


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## tooljunkie (May 31, 2014)

Just Here said:


> I don't think you can use your single life as an example. I have know people that have only cheated once in there life. One of them was my father. I also think that some marries can be saved after cheating but it will be a lot of work.
> 
> The reason you cheated on your girlfriends is they evidently didn't mean much to you or the next one was better than the one you had. Nothing wrong with that but I'm so tired of people give up without even trying.
> 
> Yes cheating is wrong and such a bad thing but there are lot worst things a person could do.


You're right. My life is just one example as someone who has cheated. Trust me, she's done with the marriage. One of those girlfriends I was with lasted almost a decade, another one two years. I've got countless first hand knowledge of cheating that went on in the circle I ran with when I was growing up and the overwhelming majority of them proved that once you cheat on that person you're going to do it again. You said it yourself, the reason I cheated is because they didn't mean much to me. Is the op's wife any different? Apparently he didn't mean much to her either or the other guy was better looking.
You only know what people tell you unless you witness it for yourself and unfortunately it's hard to be a witness to someone's actions 24 hours a day. No disrespect but you don't know what your father or the people you know of did behind closed doors. I've done it and witnessed the cheating time and time again. 
Everyone's different but knowing what I know, I would never stay with anyone who's cheated on me. :no

If he caused her to cheat (as if that's ever an excuse) then maybe he could think about it. But to use his social anxiety as the reason, heck no! It's hard but I think it's best to just be honest and tell them that you want out, have grown apart, lost the attraction or just don't feel it anymore. Flat out cheating is a slap in the face and another way of saying f*** your feelings.


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

Yes I agree we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when it comes to my father I believe him. I met the women and we had the talk and at that point I don't think he would have lied to me. My parent's never divorced they went thru a bad time and I had to get between them a couple times but they never broke up. As time went on they were able to have some good times and he came to loving her again like before. Yes it was hard and my life was very complicated because of it. I was only 17 at the time. I'm glad they worked it out.

As far I'm concerned if my wife cheated I would have to judge her true intent and what she wanted before I would just give up. I also feel that she wouldn't just walk out on me either if it was the other way. Also people are capable of being sorry for what they have done. I'm sorry life is just to short to be so hard and fast. To be human is to make mistakes and to learn from them.

But in the end if she wasn't happy and I made her life hell I would let her go. Not being happy is as bad as it gets. Living every day unhappy would just suck.


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