# To Men: Do you find these qualities desirable?



## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

I am a christian and had a sort of spiritual awakening early in september and since then I feel God has really been working on my personality, my attitude, how I few things, look at people, deal with situations...one thing I was struggling with most of this year is what I wanted in life and after not able to find it upon this earth I asked God if he really did exist and cared about me to reveal what he wanted for me and to give the desire to want whatever it was. After over a month of praying I finally got my answer: God wants me to be in a healthy and godly relationship with someone. Let me explain that for the ast 25 until just last month I wanted nothing to do with relationships, boys/men or sex. I wanted to be single and even considered myself asexual, but as soon as this prayer was answered I have been having deep and pure desires to be with someone.

Now that I have a bit of background information, here is what the point of this post is. Since my spiritual awakening there have been changes in me, but much more as I'm studying and researching about having a serious, healthy and godly relationship. *Men, do you find the follow qualities, viewpoints and personality type attractive/desirable:*

-My desire and focus is completely on you and making you happy (in which my needs and wants will be returned through my actions, though not giving in hopes of getting. Making someone happy is reward enough.)
-I wish to love and respect you unconditionally
-Creating a peaceful, calm and positive home atmosphere
-Always have a smile waiting for you when you come home
-Tell you how much I appreciate who you are and the work you do to keep a roof over our heads, have food on the table...etc
-Constantly throughout each day expressing how I love and feel about you
-Leaving notes saying "I love you" "thank you" "hope you have a wonderful day" "thinking of you" "can't wait until you get home from work"
-Giving you gifts (both material things and non-material things) outside of holidays and birthdays to express how much I care
-When you are sick or unwell I'm willing to stay with you and even sacrifice my activity time and even sleep to make sure you are taken care of and comforted
-Willing to sacrifice many things to keep you happy and the relationship healthy
-Willing to follow where you lead
-Say things like "As each moment/second passes my love for you increases." "I love you more than I did when we first met."
-Am always there for you, day or night, when needed
-Willing to listen to whatever you need to say, express or get off your chest without fear of judgment or looked at as others have

*Men, do you also find the following expectations of you acceptable:*
-To have the same spiritual beliefs as I do
-Open about almost anything
-Consider communication the key to the relationship
-Agree to disagree rather than hold grudges or negative emotions
-Want to resolve issues so they don't build walls between us
-Understand that I can be over-sensitive, but do not avoid or ignore me when I really need/want to be comforted (I don't always expect you guys to say something since I know that's hard, but just being there is all I really need)
-Our relationship isn't stereotypical in that we are each other's best friends as much as romantic companions/husand & wife
-I have many uncertainty issues, which is why I submit and follow God, and on earth I will need someone to submit to and follow who has certainty

(Edited)


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

A lot of things on that list are agreeable. There are 2 things I disagree with though:

1. I'm an atheist and I would appreciate if my partner was as well.

2. You seem to favour the traditional role where man is the bread winner and woman is the homemaker. I don't agree with this.

Lastly, I don't see the point of this thread as you're going to get vastly different answers.


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## hammerfast (Mar 8, 2012)

dude , why don't you post a picture of yourself instead?


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

No. Expecting someone to submit to your religion is ridiculous. More so than religion itself.


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

:um


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## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

I'm going to try and offer something constructive. I'm not religious but I think the qualities you offer and want are of good nature. I don't see why any Man would turn down the things you are willing to bring to the table.

Like wise, I don't think you are asking to much of the guy. You do seem to be putting a lot of the burden of making the relationship work on yourself however, it could be a little more evenly split.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't. I would feel uncomfortable if you treated me like that.


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## AxeDroid (Jan 11, 2013)

h00dz said:


> I'm going to try and offer something constructive. I'm not religious but I think the qualities you offer and want are of good nature. I don't see why any Man would turn down the things you are willing to bring to the table.
> 
> Like wise, I don't think you are asking to much of the guy. You do seem to be putting a lot of the burden of making the relationship work on yourself however, it could be a little more evenly split.


/\ This /\


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## cottontree (Jul 12, 2013)

no its not desirable.
i'm an atheist and don't like extremely religious people.

you know what my requirements are for a woman:
1) she's physically attractive to me.
2) she's got a personality that clicks with mine

you shouldn't have so much requirements for your SO, because you'll never meet someone that fits all the criteria.

though i guess in your case, since its mostly religious stuff, you can find a guy like that at one of those jesus camps or churches.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

JadedJade said:


> -My desire and focus is completely on you and making you happy (in which my needs and wants will be returned through my actions, though not giving in hopes of getting. Making someone happy is reward enough.)


No. My happiness is my responsibility. Anyone who foolishly throws away their happiness or personal fulfillment unconditionally, for another person, has betrayed their own self.



> -I wish to love and respect you unconditionally


Careful using the word unconditional. Even if I beat you night after night, you'd still love and respect me?



> -Creating a peaceful, calm and positive home atmosphere


Life is what it is. I do not flee from strife.



> -Always have a smile waiting for you when you come home


Even if you're unhappy? That's just lying to yourself and me.



> -Tell you how much I appreciate who you are and the work you do to keep a roof over our heads, have food on the table...etc


I don't need you to stroke my ego.



> -Constantly throughout each day expressing how I love and feel about you


Only if you wanted, this isn't something I particularly care about.



> -Leaving notes saying "I love you" "thank you" "hope you have a wonderful day" "thinking of you" "can't wait until you get home from work"


Sounds thoughtful.



> -Giving you gifts (both material things and non-material things) outside of holidays and birthdays to express how much I care


That's very generous of you.



> -When you are sick or unwell I'm willing to stay with you and even sacrifice my activity time and even sleep to make sure you are taken care of and comforted


I greatly appreciate the sentiment, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.



> -Willing to sacrifice many things to keep you happy and the relationship healthy


Don't sacrifice yourself for me. I do not like this.



> -Willing to follow where you lead


And if it's not where you wish to go?



> -Say things like "As each moment/second passes my love for you increases." "I love you more than I did when we first met."


Sounds very tacky.



> -Am always there for you, day or night, when needed


How very selfless.



> -Willing to listen to whatever you need to say, express or get off your chest without fear of judgment or looked at as others have


Admirable, but even if it is against what you firmly believe? We all have prejudice.



> -One of the books I read on a healthy christian/godly relationship I understand that God gave men a stronger sexual desire than women and that through it they express their love, care and their way of emotionally opening up, where as women like to talk more. I also understand that some women in relationship use sex to train their husbands/significant others or to get their point/opinion across. I find this very wrong and disrespectful. As long as I'm not viewed as a toy or for a guy's amusement, I'm willing to meet you needs in this area. (Side note: I do deal with a lot of pain daily, however I've come to realize life is pain and am willing to bare and go through a great deal to be with/comfort and meet my significant other's needs)


*shrug* I've nothing to say.



> -To have a christian relationship with God (a must!)


No, I cannot be expected to have irrational beliefs.



> -Open about almost anything (whenever the time is right for you, but as long as you don't wait great lengthy periods - months/years)


Yes, it is one of my policies in a relationship.



> -Consider communication the key to the relationship


It always has been.



> -Agree to disagree rather than hold grudges or negative emotions


I enjoy debating, but I never hold a grudge.



> -Want to resolve issues so they don't build walls between us


This has always been my character.



> -Understand that I can be over-sensitive, but do not avoid or ignore me when I really need/want to be comforted (I don't always expect you guys to say something since I know that's hard, but just being there is all I really need)


Sure.



> -Our relationship is stereotypical in that we are each other's best friends as much as romantic companions/husand & wife


Makes sense.



> -I have many uncertainty issues, which is why I submit and follow God, and on earth I will need someone who is certain about most things


You mean confidence? I can only confident in my ignorance... Perhaps.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Being selfless sounds like a good trait in general (which come across in your post) - and I think you'd probs do well with another religious person based on some of the things you've mentioned. There's a couple on this board in fact you could try pm-ing ;-)


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

JadedJade said:


> I am a christian and had a sort of spiritual awakening early in september and since then I feel God has really been working on my personality, my attitude, how I few things, look at people, deal with situations...one thing I was struggling with most of this year is what I wanted in life and after not able to find it upon this earth I asked God if he really did exist and cared about me to reveal what he wanted for me and to give the desire to want whatever it was. After over a month of praying I finally got my answer: God wants me to be in a healthy and godly relationship with someone. Let me explain that for the ast 25 until just last month I wanted nothing to do with relationships, boys/men or sex. I wanted to be single and even considered myself asexual, but as soon as this prayer was answered I have been having deep and pure desires to be with someone.
> 
> Now that I have a bit of background information, here is what the point of this post is. Since my spiritual awakening there have been changes in me, but much more as I'm studying and researching about having a serious, healthy and godly relationship. *Men, do you find the follow qualities, viewpoints and personality type attractive/desirable:*
> 
> ...


I don't think any of these qualities are undesirable except expecting someone to change their beliefs. (I'm agnostic) And I don't think it's unrealistic at all.


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## StayTrueToYou (Aug 30, 2013)

I'm a Christian as well and I do find these qualities desirable...The main thing I want in a relationship is just to be loved, and to have someone else care about me, and someone to care for.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Good luck to you OP  It sounds like you are a generous, good natured person who has a lot of love to offer. I hope you find a good person who will love you as much as you love them.

That said, if I could just sound one note of caution. I don't mean this to be in any way a criticism of you, so I hope you won't be offended, but reading what you've written, I couldn't help feel that perhaps it is a bit....._extreme_ (for lack of a better word).

I've been majorly depressed before, and when you are in the very depths of it, it can sometimes seem as though you see things more clearly than ever before, and you can draw conclusions and make plans that perhaps would normally seem quite drastic. When you're really seriously depressed your emotions are much stronger, like exposed wires.

I say that because I did get the impression reading your post that perhaps it might be depression talking?

Of course, I'm in no position to judge, so apologies for any offence. Once again, best of luck to you!


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## Arete (May 14, 2011)

JadedJade said:


> I am a christian and had a sort of spiritual awakening early in september and since then I feel God has really been working on my personality, my attitude, how I few things, look at people, deal with situations...one thing I was struggling with most of this year is what I wanted in life and after not able to find it upon this earth I asked God if he really did exist and cared about me to reveal what he wanted for me and to give the desire to want whatever it was. After over a month of praying I finally got my answer: God wants me to be in a healthy and godly relationship with someone. Let me explain that for the ast 25 until just last month I wanted nothing to do with relationships, boys/men or sex. I wanted to be single and even considered myself asexual, but as soon as this prayer was answered I have been having deep and pure desires to be with someone.
> 
> Now that I have a bit of background information, here is what the point of this post is. Since my spiritual awakening there have been changes in me, but much more as I'm studying and researching about having a serious, healthy and godly relationship. *Men, do you find the follow qualities, viewpoints and personality type attractive/desirable:*
> 
> ...


Not only do I find all of this desirable, it's basically my description of the perfect relationship. I'm not naive about the sordid side of life. Despite my social anxiety, I've had many experiences with women, some good and some bad. But I've never really felt fulfilled them, even when the person is almost the envy of my friends. What you're describing is basically what I want, but I've never, ever encountered it in real life.

Having said that, I'm always a little bit worried now that everything I want is distorted by SA. Does your scenario sounds so great only because of that? I hope not, because it sounds perfect!


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

gunner21 said:


> 1. I'm an atheist and I would appreciate if my partner was as well.


Then I hope you can respect that I wish my partner to be of my beliefs, just as you want someone to have the same non-beliefs.



gunner21 said:


> 2. You seem to favour the traditional role where man is the bread winner and woman is the homemaker. I don't agree with this.


Part of that comes from all the health and mental issues I deal with. At this point I'm physically and mentally unable to work, so in my case, yes, I am in favour of the traditional. If I didn't have these problems I'd very much work to help support.



gunner21 said:


> Lastly, I don't see the point of this thread as you're going to get vastly different answers.


That's the point! I'm curious what all different types of men think about this.



RelinquishedHell said:


> No. Expecting someone to submit to your religion is ridiculous. More so than religion itself.


Where in my post did I say submit or force or even religion? I asked a relationship with God, there is a big difference. And if you don't know that well then... *shrugs*



h00dz said:


> Like wise, I don't think you are asking to much of the guy. *You do seem to be putting a lot of the burden of making the relationship work on yourself however, it could be a little more evenly split*.


I'm a giving and selfless person and am willing to take on all I need and do whatever is required to make the other happy and relationship healthy. By doing good to others I feel rewarded and that brings me happiness and my needs are met.



Gizamalukeix said:


> I don't think any of these qualities are undesirable *except expecting someone to change their beliefs*. (I'm agnostic) And I don't think it's unrealistic at all.


Again, where did I say force or expecting someone to change? I don't want someone to change on my benefit, I only asked that my significant other be of sam beliefs and already have a relationship with God. Just like how aetheist want only aetheist people to be in a relationship/marriage with. I don't see how it's not okay for me or I'm _forcing_ someone when I ask to be with someone who has a belief as mine. :roll



StayTrueToYou said:


> I'm a Christian as well and I do find these qualities desirable...The main thing I want in a relationship is just to be loved, and to have someone else care about me, and someone to care for.


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## AttemptingNormal (Oct 2, 2013)

Personally, I wouldn't want a woman who's completely focused on me as her source of happiness but that's me.

It's not really important if those qualities are desirable to men. A man returning his desire and love to you isn't necessarily going to make you happy. As a woman you'll probably get all sorts of incompatible men being attracted to you. Try them out. Get a boyfriend, and act in that way and see if it makes you happy.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Good luck to you OP  It sounds like you are a generous, good natured person who has a lot of love to offer. I hope you find a good person who will love you as much as you love them.
> 
> That said, if I could just sound one note of caution. I don't mean this to be in any way a criticism of you, so I hope you won't be offended, but reading what you've written, *I couldn't help feel that perhaps it is a bit.....extreme* (for lack of a better word).
> 
> ...


Thank you TicklemeRingo and you do bring up a valid point, however I know for a fact it's not depression. I'm actually coming out of my depression each day, feeling more positive and happy than ever and willing to make a change in my life for the better. I've been selfish most of my life, expecting and wanting things and people to be a certain way. I've been judgmental, prejudice, thinking of only myself and my needs, a perfectionist, pessimistic and always look at the bad things in life. I fell into a deep pit of depression and finally wake up and realized it's not about me anymore, but other people. I saw how much pain, grief and chaos I brought in the way I was living, so now I'm trying something different and thus far it has brought me happiness and made me very hopeful for the future.



Arete said:


> Not only do I find all of this desirable, it's basically my description of the perfect relationship. I'm not naive about the sordid side of life. Despite my social anxiety, I've had many experiences with women, some good and some bad. But I've never really felt fulfilled them, even when the person is almost the envy of my friends. What you're describing is basically what I want, but I've never, ever encountered it in real life.
> 
> Having said that, I'm always a little bit worried now that everything I want is distorted by SA. Does your scenario sounds so great only because of that? I hope not, because it sounds perfect!


I think with anything we humans are inflicted with, be it SA or other, it does have an effect on us, but maybe not in the bad way we think. If we were perfectly healthy we may not be who we are, or think about the things we think of. When I talk with my brother he never can grasp my deep thinking and words because he's such a busy type person who can't be in a quiet room or place for more than a minute.

I'm looking at my SA and other health and mental and emotional issues as a blessing as most are what made me stronger, the person I am and how I view and look at things. Life has become so precious to me and time can go by so fast. We only live once and I've spent 25 years of hiding and being angry, judgmental and hateful of the world and even God for a time. I realized this attitude got me no where and was wrong. I truly no longer want to focus on me or what I expect or want in life. There is already too much pain and lack of caring people and I wish to be that one person for that one guy who needs it. God gave me this purpose and the desires and every moment they grow powerful.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

JadedJade said:


> Where in my post did I say submit or force or even religion? I asked a relationship with God, there is a big difference. And if you don't know that well then... *shrugs*





JadedJade said:


> -To have a christian relationship with God (a must!)


^Right there.

There is a big difference. What if he wants a Jewish relationship with god? What if you were seeing a guy and started to grow very fond of him and then he came out and told you he was Jewish, or Muslim? Would that be a deal breaker?

I wouldn't expect my partner to believe what I want them to believe and I wouldn't want to be expected to follow certain beliefs in return.


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## gamingpup (Jul 10, 2013)

I'm sorry... you seem like a push over and I'm atheist so I dont think most of them are desirable.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

RelinquishedHell said:


> ^Right there.


Again, where do I say forced? I'm talking about someone who already has an existing relationship with god of the same beliefs and religious origins I believe! I said nothing of "anyone who wants what I'm offering or giving has to change, convert or believe in god."



> I wouldn't expect my partner to believe what I want them to believe and I wouldn't want to be expected to follow certain beliefs in return.


In my opinion, that type of relationship won't last. How do you know they will be faithful or trusting if you have different views on how you live your life? What if one believes in being intimate with only that one person that they believe they can be intimate with anyone they choose and what want point? What if you have kids, which beliefs and standards do you set if both of the couple disagree? One may say "hey, it's fine to do whatever you want." while the other says "no, you should do what is right." And what is right? Everyone has an opinion, everyone is going to think differently? Which parent is in the right or wrong? Do you have any idea how much conflict will arise in such a relationship?


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

> Again, where did I say force or expecting someone to change? I don't want someone to change on my benefit, I only asked that my significant other be of sam beliefs and already have a relationship with God. Just like how aetheist want only aetheist people to be in a relationship/marriage with. I don't see how it's not okay for me or I'm _forcing_ someone when I ask to be with someone who has a belief as mine. :roll


I am sorry, I misunderstood what you wrote. I see what you mean now  and I see nothing wrong with that.


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## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

I ship JadedJade and RelinquishedHell. tee hee


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## Sourdog (Sep 13, 2011)

It really depends on the guy, me personally I would say no because heavy Christians are a big no for me. Also you're focusing too much on your partner, you have to make sure you're happy too.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

JadedJade said:


> I am a christian and had a sort of spiritual awakening early in september and since then I feel God has really been working on my personality, my attitude, how I few things, look at people, deal with situations...one thing I was struggling with most of this year is what I wanted in life and after not able to find it upon this earth I asked God if he really did exist and cared about me to reveal what he wanted for me and to give the desire to want whatever it was. After over a month of praying I finally got my answer: God wants me to be in a healthy and godly relationship with someone. Let me explain that for the ast 25 until just last month I wanted nothing to do with relationships, boys/men or sex. I wanted to be single and even considered myself asexual, but as soon as this prayer was answered I have been having deep and pure desires to be with someone.
> 
> Now that I have a bit of background information, here is what the point of this post is. Since my spiritual awakening there have been changes in me, but much more as I'm studying and researching about having a serious, healthy and godly relationship. *Men, do you find the follow qualities, viewpoints and personality type attractive/desirable:*
> 
> ...


Wow that's a whole lot of stuff 
Basically 
Trust , without it nothing will ever work
Honour , each other 
Obey , each other
When you meet the right person you will know its right if you look for the perfect person you'll never find the right person 
Love will come easily if it's hard question if it's love 
Not saying life will always be easy but the love for that person should be 
Good luck ( you will find when you least expect usually )


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm not for the "give you everything you ever wanted" bit. I'd want a woman who had a backbone.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

You should retitle this thread as "To christian men"


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## ASB20 (Jun 5, 2013)

JadedJade said:


> -My desire and focus is completely on you and making you happy (in which my needs and wants will be returned through my actions, though not giving in hopes of getting. Making someone happy is reward enough.)
> -Giving you gifts (both material things and non-material things) outside of holidays and birthdays to express how much I care
> 
> *Men, do you also find the following expectations of you acceptable:*
> ...


Most of them I find perfectly fine, and desirable. I don't care what faith or belief you practice - even if none at all. It's your decision, so I'm cool respecting what you believe in and giving you the space to practice such beliefs, as long as they don't infringe on my sphere.

Although, I do have a few points. I've quoted them above.

For you:

I don't want you to just focus on making me happy. I want you to find happiness as well. If you ignore what makes you happy, it'll affect me as well. You should have some locus of happiness that is focused on your own well-being. It'll make your relationship stronger and reinforce your own psychological health. In addition, being a happier individual will help your partner view you in the best possible light - particularly if he is a giver (and he should be, if you're looking for partners.)

Gifts: I'm the kind of person who doesn't like material and physical gifts. This doesn't go for all guys, but for me, a word or action tells much more about how you feel about the relationship than a material gift. It might be cheaper or easier, but a word or action also feels more from the heart. That has untold value.

Now, from my perspective:

A Christian relationship: That depends on how strict you mean. I have a belief structure, but if anything, it's halfway between Abrahamic religion and faith in science and the scientific method. I try to blend faith and logic in my daily life, although I'm always happy to hear well thought-out reasoning and conviction. As long as you're flexible, that would be fine - but a by-the-book, 100% Biblical Christian-or-nothing expectation will leave you with a small pool of people to choose from for your relationship. You might want to expand upon how you expect a relationship on the spiritual level to be.

Open about everything: Once again, this depends more on your reaction and expectations than my (or any other dude's) expression. As long as communication is present and an atmosphere of non-judgmental acceptance is practiced, you'll find that the guy (me, a dude, any other dude) will be much more willing to express themselves. This is just as much on your own practice as it is on their own, as fostering a personality that accepts their opinion will help welcome the guy to express himself and admit his opinions. I, for one, do not express myself around people or atmospheres I don't feel comfortable around. Once I feel comfortable and confident that I'm safe to do so, I'm perfectly fine opening up. I feel many guys would say the same.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

sounds alright. too picky for me re the christian stuff. good intentions are fine - but then who doesn't have good intentions when getting into a relationship? you have to earn a persons trust. relationships have always gotten kind of messy for me - maybe its just me. expectations change, behavior changes, feelings change, desires change. pretty much everything changes.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

meepie said:


> You should retitle this thread as "To christian men"


I agree. My calls for ethical egoism have been ignored.


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## Mlochail (Jul 11, 2012)

No. Too religion fanatic. Nothing wrong 'bout that but juts not my cup of tea 

Good luck!


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## Beingofglass (May 5, 2013)

I'm really loving how your mood has stuck on positive Jade. You should definately keep trying to use god as your spiritual guide, as it seems like you know just how to exactly use the good parts of religion.

I find almost all of these qualities attractive, but I would also like to chime in on the rather long laundry list of things that you seem to feel like _you yourself _have to do. While it's a great list, some of it is a Little too much to ask of another human being to be a part of, and might not be very realistic. Tone it Down, and it'll be perfect.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

All this just sounds horribly idealistic and unrealistic. Oh well, life will teach you more than any book could.
Plus.. "_One of the books I read on a healthy christian/godly relationship I understand that God gave men a stronger sexual desire than women and that through it they express their love, care and their way of emotionally opening up, where as women like to talk more._" gheez.


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## dair (Jan 23, 2013)

All of these sound nice and and like you mean well. But I would be worried that you're trying to do too much for me and not for yourself. I would prefer it to be more equal, maybe where just the list of needs for the man is applied to both. 

I'm also atheist, and I don't like the idea of a religion requirement (or lack of religion requirement). I just think that you could miss out on a lot of great people that way.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

I am an athiest but that is irrelevant because I can still answer based on what you are asking. Just because your request aren't right for me doesn't mean they aren't right for you or unreasonable.

First, What you expect out of a partner is perfectly reaonable. I think they are things that are necessary for a healthy relationship - minus the religious aaspects for me. It's normal for those who are religious to also want someone that believes the same. Where you want someone that believes in God, I would work better with someone that doesn't. So its perfectly reasonable.

What you bring to the relationship sounds desireable exept for a couple minor things:

1. Even though a guy likes when you show how much you love him, do things for him, and take care of him, it's also a good thing if you have a life outside of him. I want a woman that is her own person. I want a woman to love me, not worship me. I just caution you against making your main focus in life on your man. He may resent you being clingy and you may get develop separation anxiety if he goes out to do things without you with his buddies and since you devote everything to him, you won't have your own thing to do and might fixate on him being away.

This is just my two cents. Ultimately, you are who you are and you'll behave the way that is atural to you. I don't see anything that would run a guy off. Some guys maybe, but I think most would be fine with it. Just as long as you find a guy that loves you like you love him.


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

JadedJade said:


> Again, where do I say forced? I'm talking about someone who already has an existing relationship with god of the same beliefs and religious origins I believe! I said nothing of "anyone who wants what I'm offering or giving has to change, convert or believe in god."
> 
> In my opinion, that type of relationship won't last. How do you know they will be faithful or trusting if you have different views on how you live your life? What if one believes in being intimate with only that one person that they believe they can be intimate with anyone they choose and what want point? What if you have kids, which beliefs and standards do you set if both of the couple disagree? One may say "hey, it's fine to do whatever you want." while the other says "no, you should do what is right." And what is right? Everyone has an opinion, everyone is going to think differently? Which parent is in the right or wrong? Do you have any idea how much conflict will arise in such a relationship?


My wife does the things on your list to a sane extent without being scary. Notably, I am an atheist while she is more theist-leaning, albeit not church-going.

Faith and trust have less to do with subscribing to old belief systems and more to do with building new, deeply personal ones: security, honesty, communication, humor... There is a closeness that can't be acted out or simulated by belief in God(s).

Teaching kids religion keeps them ignorant-- it's abusive, because that sort of choice should be made by an adult. It should not be foisted on the child -- better to teach tolerance and admiration for the many ways people have invented to figure out themselves and the world around them. The question of "what is right?" is rightly impossible to answer. Kids today can Google the bull**** we say is "right" and get a detailed assessment of why it's bull****.


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

JadedJade said:


> There is already too much pain and lack of caring people and I wish to be that one person for that one guy who needs it. God gave me this purpose and the desires and every moment they grow powerful.


That sounds very selfless but also very unhealthy. I doubt a relationship like this would last more than 2 years if I am being honest with you. That said, I am not a relationship counsellor, so take my words with a grain of salt.


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## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

of course, an atheist would say, "no I don't like it. Religion is my kryptonite" but who knows, a man who identifies himself as Christian might like it. A lot of those things on the list are very nice, no matter the gender.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

Sourdog said:


> It really depends on the guy, me personally I would say no because heavy Christians are a big no for me. *Also you're focusing too much on your partner, you have to make sure you're happy too*.


My beliefs say it isn't about "me" it's about the other person/people. Why would I claim to have a religious belief or relationship with god if I'm going to ignore the basic standards of what make it? That's called hypocritical.



Grog said:


> Wow that's a whole lot of stuff
> Basically
> Trust , without it nothing will ever work
> Honour , each other
> ...


I'm not looking for the perfect person, just as many atheist require and ask their partners to share in their non-beliefs I have just as much right as them to ask that my partner is of the same belief as mine. I really don't understand why I'm wrong for believing in something, but if I was a non-believer and asked to be with a non-believer I wouldn't be getting such critciism and intolerance. You say I'm not allowed to change or force someone to be something, yet I'm support to change and be forced into a belief or non-belief contrary to my own. Do people not see the ridiculousness here?



meepie said:


> You should retitle this thread as "To christian men"


My apologies and though you may be correct you have just as much choice to ignore this thread as you do to post here.



ASB20 said:


> Most of them I find perfectly fine, and desirable. I don't care what faith or belief you practice - even if none at all. *It's your decision, so I'm cool respecting what you believe in and giving you the space to practice such beliefs, as long as they don't infringe on my sphere*.


This is a very acceptable and tolerable attitude and one I wish I saw more often. However as much as your type of personality and attitude would get along with mine, there would still be some issues that would cause problems in the relationship. Firstly, out opinion on what is right and wrong and what is acceptable to do. Secondly, if kids are involved which belief system and right and wrong versions is applied to them (example: they may do something or want to do something that you say is okay, but I say is wrong or inappropriate) Thirdly, I get my faith and trust to live on and not give in from my belief system and God and if you don't in those hard times I would need that sort of reassurance and reminder, which you wouldn't give nor I would be able to say anything to make you feel better since you probably don't want to hear the same things I want to hear in those situations. Fourth, having different belief systems, there will always be that wall and inability for us to be truly close. My beliefs say a relationship flourishes when both have a relationship wih God. I don't want a half life or a partail of what I could have if I follow my beliefs and what I believe and trust God wants for me. This is my opinion, you don't have to agree with it, I would never force anyone to, judge them, think less of them for it...



ASB20 said:


> I don't want you to just focus on making me happy. I want you to find happiness as well. If you ignore what makes you happy, it'll affect me as well. You should have some locus of happiness that is focused on your own well-being. It'll make your relationship stronger and reinforce your own psychological health. In addition, being a happier individual will help your partner view you in the best possible light - particularly if he is a giver (and he should be, if you're looking for partners.)


Many have said that "you should be happy too" and I'm curious what is your definition of happy? You want me to focus on myself for a time, spend money on things I don't really need in the end? do girls nights? be unfaithful by screwing around with someone else? taking vacations alone? I don't want such things. Being in a relationship is more than just being boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, you're really suppose to be best friends and want to spend as much as you can with each other. Life is short and with what time is required for work, personal responsibilities, house hold responsibilities, required activities...my brother and his wife literally only have 4 hours in the entire day with each other because of their work and they also have a newborn, which cuts their time even smaller. I want to be in a relationship to be with someone, not to not be with them or too busy. That's why there are so many unhappy people out there and relationships that don't last, it's not only someone doing things intentionally, there are requirements and getting to busy in the world to see what is being neglected.



ASB20 said:


> Open about everything: Once again, this depends more on your reaction and expectations than my (or any other dude's) expression. As long as communication is present and an atmosphere of non-judgmental acceptance is practiced, you'll find that the guy (me, a dude, any other dude) will be much more willing to express themselves. This is just as much on your own practice as it is on their own, as fostering a personality that accepts their opinion will help welcome the guy to express himself and admit his opinions. I, for one, do not express myself around people or atmospheres I don't feel comfortable around. Once I feel comfortable and confident that I'm safe to do so, I'm perfectly fine opening up. I feel many guys would say the same.


I added this because most of the guys in my family suck at communication or rather they don't want to or like talking to women because they think all we want to do is b!tch and complain. Yes we do that, but what women or even person doesn't? I don't want to be viewed in such a way 24/7, it's not only rude it's hurtful. My dad always has an expression on his face like "shut up b!tch" to my mother and she has done nothing to deserve it. He wants to be a teenager for the rest of his life and because my mother has grown up he views her as trying to be his mother. I can't stand guys who are like this. I'm not saying I want someone 100% serious, i goof and joke all the time, but at least I know when to stop when a situation requires you to take things a bit seriously.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

Beingofglass said:


> I'm really loving how your mood has stuck on positive Jade. *You should definately keep trying to use god as your spiritual guide, as it seems like you know just how to exactly use the good parts of religion*.


Thank you!!! This is the type of tolerance and respect for other's people's belief I am asking for and what needs to be more seen in our world!



Beingofglass said:


> I find almost all of these qualities attractive, but I would also like to chime in on the rather long laundry list of things that you seem to feel like _you yourself _have to do. While it's a great list, some of it is a Little too much to ask of another human being to be a part of, and might not be very realistic. Tone it Down, and it'll be perfect.


Part of this does come from the fact I may not be able to work since I am in constant pain and my health will only deteriorate from the conditions I was born with. So I feel I need to do more in places I know I can do to sort of make up or fill a void.



tlgibson97 said:


> I am an athiest but that is irrelevant because I can still answer based on what you are asking. Just because your request aren't right for me doesn't mean they aren't right for you or unreasonable.


Thank you!



tlgibson97 said:


> First, What you expect out of a partner is perfectly reaonable. I think they are things that are necessary for a healthy relationship - minus the religious aaspects for me. It's normal for those who are religious to also want someone that believes the same. Where you want someone that believes in God, I would work better with someone that doesn't. So its perfectly reasonable.


Again, thank you!



tlgibson97 said:


> 1. Even though a guy likes when you show how much you love him, do things for him, and take care of him, it's also a good thing if you have a life outside of him. I want a woman that is her own person. I want a woman to love me, not worship me. I just caution you against making your main focus in life on your man. He may resent you being clingy and you may get develop separation anxiety if he goes out to do things without you with his buddies and since you devote everything to him, you won't have your own thing to do and might fixate on him being away.


First off, when I say my focus is completely on him, I'm saying he's my first priority to myself, everyone else and every thing else in the world. And I'm not worshiping him, I'm wanting to show how much I respect and appreciate him. And I know it may sound or come across as clingy, that's not really my thing. I have no desire to hang all over him or act as if I can't bare to be away from him for any amount of time. And if he wants to go out with buddies I have no problem with that. There are going to be needs and wants that can be met only through friends, which I totally get. And I'm not saying I'm going to be a mindless drone or door mat, obviously when he's away whether it's work, friends or something else that time can be used either for myself if I choose or doing my house hold duties and chores.



tlgibson97 said:


> This is just my two cents. Ultimately, you are who you are and you'll behave the way that is atural to you. I don't see anything that would run a guy off. Some guys maybe, but I think most would be fine with it. Just as long as you find a guy that loves you like you love him.


I very much appreciate your response and found it very interesting reading. Thank you!



87wayz said:


> My wife does the things on your list to a sane extent without being scary.


Good to know I'm not the only one and that she is able to be in a relationship with you.



changeme77 said:


> *That sounds very selfless but also very unhealthy*. I doubt a relationship like this would last more than 2 years if I am being honest with you. That said, I am not a relationship counsellor, so take my words with a grain of salt.


Well I've spent all of my life being selfish and it's gotten me no where in life-literally!, no friends, no relationships as I had a rather pissy and high expectation of the other person attitude. I'm making a change and if it doesn't work for me you and everyone else can say "I told you so." *shrugs*



coeur_brise said:


> of course, an atheist would say, "no I don't like it. Religion is my kryptonite" *but who knows, a man who identifies himself as Christian might like it. A lot of those things on the list are very nice, no matter the gender*.


Thank you


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

h00dz said:


> I'm going to try and offer something constructive. I'm not religious but I think the qualities you offer and want are of good nature. I don't see why any Man would turn down the things you are willing to bring to the table.
> 
> Like wise, I don't think you are asking to much of the guy. You do seem to be putting a lot of the burden of making the relationship work on yourself however, it could be a little more evenly split.


/concur

It's the thought that counts, very commendable, just don't become abused or even more jaded in the process, Jade. Best of luck, there a lot of Christian men who are loving and shy as you are, all you have to do is find the courage to find them, easier said then done.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

JadedJade said:


> First off, when I say my focus is completely on him, I'm saying he's my first priority to myself, everyone else and every thing else in the world. And I'm not worshiping him, I'm wanting to show how much I respect and appreciate him. And I know it may sound or come across as clingy, that's not really my thing. I have no desire to hang all over him or act as if I can't bare to be away from him for any amount of time. And if he wants to go out with buddies I have no problem with that. There are going to be needs and wants that can be met only through friends, which I totally get. And I'm not saying I'm going to be a mindless drone or door mat, obviously when he's away whether it's work, friends or something else that time can be used either for myself if I choose or doing my house hold duties and chores.


In that case, I wouldn't be asking if what you want is right or not, you should be looking for a guy that feels the same way. I don't think there is anythign better in a relationship than to have someone that loves and adores you as much as you do them. Someone that openly communicates with you and shares their life with you through both easy times and difficult times. Nothing bothers me more than someone that wants to run and hide rather than discuss issues maturely and respectfully.

I wish you the best of luck finding someone worthy of your affection.


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## zstandig (Sep 21, 2013)

You sound like you want to be some kind of emotional servant., 

I'm attracted to women with with a mind of their own. I'd go insane if every conversation I had with a woman would be with her agreeing with me. I really like strong and independent women because those are things that I lack.


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## DarknessVisible (Nov 6, 2011)

I respect actions more than words. Presenting a manifesto of all you're going to do in writing is pretty off putting and probably hard to live up to. If you did those things spontaneously out of the goodness of your heart, rather than promised beforehand, many would be positive and attractive. The way you put it, it just creates a bunch of expectations and pressure.


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## Beingofglass (May 5, 2013)

JadedJade said:


> Thank you!!! This is the type of tolerance and respect for other's people's belief I am asking for and what needs to be more seen in our world!
> 
> -
> Part of this does come from the fact I may not be able to work since I am in constant pain and my health will only deteriorate from the conditions I was born with. So I feel I need to do more in places I know I can do to sort of make up or fill a void.


I'm excited for you. Your views have changed so drastically.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

zstandig said:


> You sound like you want to be some kind of emotional servant.,
> 
> I'm attracted to women with with a mind of their own. *I'd go insane if every conversation I had with a woman would be with her agreeing with me*. I really like strong and independent women because those are things that I lack.


Again, words are being put in my mouth-or in this case my post. I never said anything about 100% agreeing with the other person. In fact on my list is "Agree to disagree" we are different, I understand and accept that, I'm not going to just go along with an opinion I don't agree with in hopes of making you happy and avoid conflict.

Secondly, I do have a mind of my own. Outside of my physical and health issues that limit me and my emotional needs I'm an independent thinker and if I had the ability and/or opportunity I would take things behind just the idea of them.

Thirdly, I'm not trying or wanting to me an emotional servant, I wish to do things to make the other person feel respected and appreciated, something I saw in my own family and my observations of others lack in. Being focused on myself I might as well just be in a relationship with me, relationships aren't about _I_ or _me_, it's about _we_ and _us_. All this "well I have to have me time" where does this come from? Not that it's wrong or right, but where is it written, spoken or told that part of a relationship is to be focused on one's-self?



Beingofglass said:


> I'm excited for you. Your views have changed so drastically.


Thank you so much


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## NoHeart (May 5, 2012)

-My desire and focus is completely on you and making you happy (in which my needs and wants will be returned through my actions, though not giving in hopes of getting. Making someone happy is reward enough.)
*
No, that doesn't fair at all, a relationship should be give & take and that would just make me feel really guilty.*

-I wish to love and respect you unconditionally
*
Seems unrealistic but a respectul goal, I would aim to do the same.*

-Creating a peaceful, calm and positive home atmosphere

*Positivity is always a good thing to strive towards, but again... you wouldn't have to do that all by yourself.*

-Always have a smile waiting for you when you come home
*
And where have you been? I don't like the idea of a house wife to be honest, and even if you had a day off or you are home sooner than me I'd rather you just be honest about your feelings.*

-Tell you how much I appreciate who you are and the work you do to keep a roof over our heads, have food on the table...etc

*Ehhhmm, read my above statement...*

-Constantly throughout each day expressing how I love and feel about you
*
That's not necesary but I appreciate I guess?*

-Leaving notes saying "I love you" "thank you" "hope you have a wonderful 
day" "thinking of you" "can't wait until you get home from work"
*
How old are you? 15?*

-Giving you gifts (both material things and non-material things) outside of holidays and birthdays to express how much I care
*
Aslong as you don't shower me with gifts it's always nice.*

-When you are sick or unwell I'm willing to stay with you and even sacrifice my activity time and even sleep to make sure you are taken care of and comforted

*That is really not necesary at all, besides I'd might just make you sick too! *

-Willing to sacrifice many things to keep you happy and the relationship healthy
*
No no no no no no no no a million times no!*

-Willing to follow where you lead

*Depends if you wanna go there too.*

-Say things like "As each moment/second passes my love for you increases." "I love you more than I did when we first met."
*
If you really mean that? Sure I guess.*

-Am always there for you, day or night, when needed
*
Yes, I would do the same for you.*

-Willing to listen to whatever you need to say, express or get off your chest without fear of judgment or looked at as others have

*Yup.*

-One of the books I read on a healthy christian/godly relationship I understand that God gave men a stronger sexual desire than women and that through it they express their love, care and their way of emotionally opening up, where as women like to talk more. I also understand that some women in relationship use sex to train their husbands/significant others or to get their point/opinion across. I find this very wrong and disrespectful. As long as I'm not viewed as a toy or for a guy's amusement, I'm willing to meet you needs in this area. (Side note: I do deal with a lot of pain daily, however I've come to realize life is pain and am willing to bare and go through a great deal to be with/comfort and meet my significant other's needs)

*Uhm, I wouldn't just trust what you read in any old book, most guys probably have higher sexual desires than girls but girls like sex just as much as guys so I don't buy that ****, though as for me... my libido is fairly low so ehhhh I dunno... whatever works.*

--

Men, do you also find the following expectations of you acceptable:
-To have a christian relationship with God (a must!)
*
Nope, not in a million years.*

-Open about almost anything (whenever the time is right for you, but as long as you don't wait great lengthy periods - months/years)

*What the **** does that mean?*

-Consider communication the key to the relationship
*
Obviously*

-Agree to disagree rather than hold grudges or negative emotions

*Yup*

-Want to resolve issues so they don't build walls between us

*That seems best*

-Understand that I can be over-sensitive, but do not avoid or ignore me when I really need/want to be comforted (I don't always expect you guys to say something since I know that's hard, but just being there is all I really need)

*I can try to be considerate of that, although I personally click better with people who aren't too sensitive because I can be very crude and direct. Just a personality thing really.*

-Our relationship is stereotypical in that we are each other's best friends as much as romantic companions/husand & wife
*
I already have a best friend thanks.*

-I have many uncertainty issues, which is why I submit and follow God, and on earth I will need someone who is certain about most things
*
That seems like a ****ty reason to believe, but I can say that about any other reason to believe so whatever I guess, I guess I would have a problem with that yes.*


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Some of these responses are quite crude, pretentious, and close minded. If you actually read some of the OP's first few posts, you'd realize what amazing progress she has made in her outlook towards wanting friendships/relationships. Some of you are making baseless assumptions and taking some of her thoughts too literal. Cut the girl some slack, seriously, people on here try to post their opinions and just because they don't agree with your stance on love verbatim, you have to evaluate and nit pick each and every single statement and point out why you feel it's illogical. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just don't be so mean about it and claim you're in the right and they're in the wrong, just state your piece politely and move on...

:sus


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## AxeDroid (Jan 11, 2013)

Malek said:


> Some of these responses are quite crude, pretentious, and close minded. If you actually read some of the OP's first few posts, you'd realize what amazing progress she has made in her outlook towards wanting friendships/relationships. Some of you are making baseless assumptions and taking some of her thoughts too literal. Cut the girl some slack, seriously, people on here try to post their opinions and just because they don't agree with your stance on love verbatim, you have to evaluate and nit pick each and every single statement and point out why you feel it's illogical. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just don't be so mean about it and claim you're in the right and they're in the wrong, just state your piece politely and move on...
> 
> :sus


I second this.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

Malek said:


> Some of these responses are quite crude, pretentious, and close minded. If you actually read some of the OP's first few posts, you'd realize what amazing progress she has made in her outlook towards wanting friendships/relationships. Some of you are making baseless assumptions and taking some of her thoughts too literal. Cut the girl some slack, seriously, people on here try to post their opinions and just because they don't agree with your stance on love verbatim, you have to evaluate and nit pick each and every single statement and point out why you feel it's illogical. *Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just don't be so mean about it and claim you're in the right and they're in the wrong*, just state your piece politely and move on...
> 
> :sus


You are very wise and reasonable Malek.


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## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

Malek said:


> Some of these responses are quite crude, pretentious, and close minded. If you actually read some of the OP's first few posts, you'd realize what amazing progress she has made in her outlook towards wanting friendships/relationships. Some of you are making baseless assumptions and taking some of her thoughts too literal. Cut the girl some slack, seriously, people on here try to post their opinions and just because they don't agree with your stance on love verbatim, you have to evaluate and nit pick each and every single statement and point out why you feel it's illogical. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, just don't be so mean about it and claim you're in the right and they're in the wrong, just state your piece politely and move on...
> 
> :sus


:yes


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## VakarineMy (Oct 1, 2013)

I'm not trying to be rude but the original post in this thread made me throw up a little.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

JadedJade said:


> You are very wise and reasonable Malek.


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## AxeDroid (Jan 11, 2013)

Sanctuary said:


> I'm not trying to be rude but the original post in this thread made me throw up a little.


Do you read what you post? Can you not imagine how someone reading the following: "the original post in this thread made me throw up a little.", could be taken as? *sigh*


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## GoodKidMadCity (Jul 21, 2012)

-Constantly throughout each day expressing how I love and feel about you

There's a word for that and it's smothering. I would run run run.


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