# I just want someone to care



## Norea (Apr 9, 2017)

Ok warning beforehand; this is going to be a bit of a rant. (A lot actually)

My whole life I have had trouble making and keeping friends. I have a wall build around me that's hard for people to look past. Once I do manage to find someone who is willing to though I always end up bending ver backwards for them cause I know they are rare gems who must be treasured. Thing is; I just never get back what I give. Not even a little. I've met this guy and he seemed to be what I had been looking for all those years. He has a lot of issues like myself. Struggles with anxiety etc and I had been going out of my way to help him. Only now I am going through a rough time myself with depression and he doesn't even ask me how I am doing? I told him what was going on yet nothing. He acted like it didn't exist. 
I also feel like I am always the one wanting contact... why is there never anyone who wants me around as much as I want them around? 
I have always dreamed about having a bff like women often do; a person you can talk to about anything and you can do anything with; a really close connection in which both parties are very invested.
We and the above mentioned guy started out really intense but now he seems to be withdrawing and I just don't know why? Did I manage to scare him off again? I try my hardest to not be too needy or insecure but at the same time I just want to be able to be me, same as I let him be him. It seemed we had a special thing going at first where this was possible.
Maybe I am just imagining things but I feel this slip through my fingers again and it devastates me cause I am so lonely, so, so deeply, fundamentally lonely and I had thought I had finally found a kindred spirit. I have wrong before though so it wouldn't surprise me one bit.
I just wish life would throw something good my way for once instead of all these "life lessons" the leave me drained and empty.
Can anybody here relate to anything I've just written? i am not even sure it's comprehensible enough, I jsut really needed to vent I guess.


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## camdawg (Jun 14, 2017)

Hi, I guess if it makes you feel better, I can somewhat relate to your experience but I understand the emotions you might be going through. It's absolutely brutal wanting friends but simply not getting the same interest reciprocating from both people. Even worse when you're putting more into the relationship and feel like you have a lot to offer, and the same just isn't given back. 
I've been trying to make a friend recently and the same thoughts are always going through my mind and it gives me a great sense of discomfort (I guess I don't like to call it anxiety). 
I was diagnosed and prescribed medication for depression four years ago, and I'm safe to say that this was a result of having a physical handicap that has always affected my self esteem and confidence, which caused me to lose all my friends and it seems impossible to make new ones. I'm seventeen and in high school, and by now it seems everyone has their solid friends and simply aren't interested in making a new one.
It's like everyone is already taken or something. I've managed to push through depressive disorders and suicidal thoughts and will be good to get off my medication the next year, as claimed by my psychiatrist, assuming I have a successful year emotionally and socially. This got me very motivated and excited to feel that I've finally cracked my way through, but when I'm in a social setting or trying to make friends and meet people as I have been lately, my self esteem crumbles and I continue to feel awful.
Consequently, I will be stuck taking medication and meeting therapists (which I do love) and doctors, because my current position does not satisfy the social aspect, but only the emotional part.

What I've learned through it is how to enjoy my alone time and I've really found what interests me and what I have a passion for, which is art. I've been able to follow my interests (Art and software development, which I'm heading into for a career/business) because of my lack of friends. Finding a purpose in my life has allowed me to get through the emotional trials, but has left myself without friends or anyone to really talk to.
I wish the same for you (minus the not having friends part), even though having no friends absolutely sucks, fighting it has helped me a lot. 
I'm more of an introvert now, so this may be easier for me, but I hope you find/have something you love and pursue it. I like to read, do online courses, and learn anything that comes to my mind that I would like to know more about or find fascinating. 

I'm not one to give advice, but I thought I'd share my story, and I hope you start feeling better! I love meeting people who have challenges to talk about and that I can relate to, even though it is heartbreaking. 

Best of luck and wishes,

Cam


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

Maybe they are scared your relationship will all fall apart once, and they are preparing for that.


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