# Would you date a guy



## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

that is living with his parents and is umemployed and is having to take care of his parents. I don't see how I can get a job when I have to take care of them all the time. Even if I could look for a job the only experience that I have is as a brick laborer and I wasn't making that much money.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


What if that guy has prospects for the future, and is going to school?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Canucklehead said:


> What if that guy has prospects for the future, and is going to school?


It would depend on the major and how old the guy is. Most degrees are not terribly useful and it's very hard to find work once you are late 40s or so unless you have tons of experience in that field.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

komorikun said:


> It would depend on the major and how old the guy is. Most degrees are not terribly useful and it's very hard to find work once you are late 40s or so unless you have tons of experience in that field.


What if you've spent the entirety of your young life self teaching programming, only to finally get a degree when you are 24, and make something of your life?


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## John316C (May 1, 2011)

WHY NOT? this isn't marriage

women are getting ahead of themselves these days, if you have no intentions to marry why do you care about his money? make your own money damnit,

it should depend entirely on you and what you will want in life and if you believe you can get it.
ex. your dreams, aspirations, your demeanor, your QUALITIES as a person, do those _values_ have promise? do they have potential?

it could be hard...in your situation.. try googling solution maybe find someone to help you, make a deal with them.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


That's the thing that I've always been afraid of. I'm not good looking and when my parents die I won't have any money at all.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Can your parents look after each other during the day and you could work?


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## Schizoidas (May 11, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


That is the worst thing I've read on here. Your concern for his parents health is really heartwarming.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Being unemployed in your 40s is.. unacceptable.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

TPower said:


> Being unemployed in your 40s is.. unacceptable.


I did have a job for over 20 years but when my father had a stroke I've had to take of my parents.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

ravens said:


> I did have a job for over 20 years but when my father had a stroke I've had to take of my parents.


Again,can't they look after themselves during the day-since they do have each other??


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> Again,can't they look after themselves during the day-since they do have each other??


I don't know if they could. My father is blind in one eye and has half of his vision in the other one, and my mother has COPD and is on oxygen 24 hours a day. My father is trying to get compensation from VA and if he gets it he said that he will give me some money every month to take care of them.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Ahh,I think it must be especially difficult for a male -because males identify so much with the work they do. You're a kind son for helping them - But maybe you should sit down with your dad and discuss how it's affecting you -I'm sure he'd understand, and you'd feel so much better letting it all out.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

ravens said:


> I did have a job for over 20 years but when my father had a stroke I've had to take of my parents.


 When my father got sick I kept my job and got some help looking after him. I sent him to an adult day program and had someone come to the house during times when I couldn't be there. But I still didn't have any time or energy to date.


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## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

Funnily enough I am in a similar situation. Although im only 26

All I can say is who cares about money? komorikun's reply to be frank is disgusting. So basically you would turn a guy down because hes dedicated his time looking after ill family members?? Sad indeed.


In my situation I was employed, My mum is the 1 with the terminal illness. She cant walk well, needs almost constant help. The only person here with her to care for her apart from myself is my 78 year old grandmother, however my grandmother isnt well either, through a mixture of old age and cancer treatment. 

I was basically given the sack at work, however for the next year at least I will be claiming carers benefits and helping them both at home.

Iv been in dozens on relationships and not a single 1 of them has the woman been bothered about my situation, they have understood and some have even offered help.

What you need to think about is theres millions of women that would understand the situation, be fine with it and accept you for being you. The women that are looking into you getting a massive cash payout when they die are not worth the time of day.

I know that when both my nan and mum pass away im guaranteed a £200,000 house, everything in it and £50,000 in cash, but I wont let anyone try to get with me for that reason.

Another thing... lets say you did get a full time job, with the belief you stood a better chance of finding someone.... How would you feel if 1 or both of your parents had a fall or something fatal happened to them which you could of prevented had you been there?

Could you find a way to work from home? like them catalogue distributors where you sell to neighbours, or even delivering the paper?

If people wont be compassionate or understand your situation then they arent worth the hassle


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


Is it possible to be any more shallow?


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## Secretaz (Sep 10, 2011)

ravens said:


> That's the thing that I've always been afraid of. I'm not good looking and when my parents die I won't have any money at all.


But if you find a woman you can be sure she really loves you, not your looks or your money.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Monetarily,your issue isn't so much about the here and now - But what about the future? Say,15-20 years from now-Can you imagine how difficult it would be in your 60's trying to get a job?? Pete24 had a good idea -how about delivering the paper?


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


I'm not saying it's commendable,but there are a lot of women who would look at it this way. A woman in her 30's might want children which means $$ and if they married ,they're going to age and eventually have health issues too - it's not romantic but it's practical to consider these things.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> Monetarily,your issue isn't so much about the here and now - But what about the future? Say,15-20 years from now-Can you imagine how difficult it would be in your 60's trying to get a job?? Pete24 had a good idea -how about delivering the paper?


I've thought about the future and what I will do if something happens to them. I've thought about working from home but I don't know that much about it. My father told me that if he gets the money he would give me around $600 a month. I was making around $600 - $800 a month when I was working.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

ravens said:


> I've thought about the future and what I will do if something happens to them. I've thought about working from home but I don't know that much about it. My father told me that if he gets the money he would give me around $600 a month. I was making around $600 - $800 a month when I was working.


You know,that's not bad at all - I'm sure there's a lot of people who don't have $600.00 left per month after they pay the bills.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

Still Waters said:


> I'm not saying it's commendable,but there are a lot of women who would look at it this way. A woman in her 30's might want children which means $$ and if they married ,they're going to age and eventually have health issues too - it's not romantic but it's practical to consider these things.


Why does the man have to be the one to provide the money in this hypothetical situation?


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> Why does the man have to be the one to provide the money in this hypothetical situation?


In MOST cases it takes 2 incomes to adequately provide for a family - gone are the days where that was a rarity.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> You know,that's not bad at all - I'm sure there's a lot of people who don't have $600.00 left per month after they pay the bills.


One thing about living with them has been that I've never had a house payment. I used to pay a couple of hundred a month to them but now I don't have the money to do that. My father and I used to take turns cooking because my mother hasn't been able to cook for many years. Now I'm the one who has to cook, which I don't mind doing.

Hopefully he will get the compensation from VA because if he doesn't get it we will be in some deep trouble. We have had to sell some things in order to have enough money to pay the bills.


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## Gryffindor85 (Nov 7, 2011)

TPower said:


> Being unemployed in your 40s is.. unacceptable.


Welcome to 2012, where employment isn't really a choice and it all comes down to luck of who the employers decide to hire.

Women who date and marry men for money disgust me. We are past the housewife era, if you want money, make it yourself.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Your mom and dad sound as if they'd both qualify for disability payments -SSI - not sure if that would interfere with the VA benefits - I doubt they could get both - just another possibility though.-


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> In MOST cases it takes 2 incomes to adequately provide for a family - gone are the days where that was a rarity.


My brother works and his wife stays home with their 2 year old daughter. If he wasn't making almost $60000 a year I don't think they would be able to do it. They have also helped us to pay some of our bills.

My mother hardly worked in her life but my father made good money some of the years. It makes it easier when you're in construction and can build your own house.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> Your mom and dad sound as if they'd both qualify for disability payments -SSI - not sure if that would interfere with the VA benefits - I doubt they could get both - just another possibility though.-


My father gets Social Security and SSDI and he gets some money from VA.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> Is it possible to be any more shallow?





Schizoidas said:


> That is the worst thing I've read on here. Your concern for his parents health is really heartwarming.


I'm being honest. My mom is already dead and when my dad gets too ill to take care of himself he is going to a nursing home since I have to work and I hold some serious grudges against him.

Most women would not date an unemployed 40 year old. He could probably get a date but it would probably only be with someone quite desperate for whatever reason (have kids, fat, ugly, mentally ill. most likely a combination of these). Taking care of your parents is worse than having kids and most people on this forum wouldn't want to date a single parent.

It's one thing if you already love the person and something happens but people do not date out of compassion. People date others to get something out of it. That could be good sex, companionship, economic help, etc. In the beginning you do not know the person, so of course you don't care.

I see that both NeedleInTheHay and Schizoidas would not date a single mother.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f36/are-people-with-kids-less-attractive-196053/

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f36/would-you-marry-a-woman-who-has-a-kid-188882/


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


The good looking part I find a bit shallow but the money issue I cans ee. I commend your honesty. A lot of people here only say what the OP wants to hear, which isn't always helpful. Sometimes a harsh truth from someone does more good than a kind lie.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

komorikun said:


> I'm being honest. My mom is already dead and when my dad gets too ill to take care of himself he is going to a nursing home since I have to work and I hold some serious grudges against him.
> 
> Most women would not date an unemployed 40 year old. He could probably get a date but it would probably only be with someone quite desperate for whatever reason (have kids, fat, ugly, mentally ill. most likely a combination of these). Taking care of your parents is worse than having kids and most people on this forum wouldn't want to date a single parent.
> 
> ...


It was the either/or comment that really made it shallow, He can be broke as long as he is absurdly good looking according to your post.

As for not dating a single mother, that has nothing to do with the mother and everything to do with the kid, I would never want kids under any circumstance.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

Still Waters said:


> In MOST cases it takes 2 incomes to adequately provide for a family - gone are the days where that was a rarity.


Sorry I thought you meant the man would have to provide everything, I didn't know you meant an equal partnership.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

TrcyMcgrdy1 said:


> The good looking part I find a bit shallow but the money issue I cans ee. I commend your honesty. A lot of people here only say what the OP wants to hear, which isn't always helpful. Sometimes a harsh truth from someone does more good than a kind lie.


I can understand about the money part. I've never liked that I didn't make much money. Not having much money is one of the reasons that I've never dated along with my anxiety talking to women. It makes me sad that I might not ever be in a relationship, but if that is the way it will be then I guess I will just have to live with it.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> It was the either/or comment that really made it shallow, He can be broke as long as he is absurdly good looking according to your post.
> 
> As for not dating a single mother, that has nothing to do with the mother and everything to do with the kid, I would never want kids under any circumstance.


Yes, because I get something out of it. If he is really good looking I will want more sex and probably enjoy it more. If he is not so good looking then he needs to have other qualities and that includes making a decent living. Being broke sucks. If he has neither what will I get out of the relationship?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

pete24 said:


> Funnily enough I am in a similar situation. Although im only 26
> 
> All I can say is who cares about money? komorikun's reply to be frank is disgusting. So basically you would turn a guy down because hes dedicated his time looking after ill family members?? Sad indeed.
> 
> If people wont be compassionate or understand your situation then they arent worth the hassle


You also said you wouldn't want to date a single mother.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/falling-out-of-love-196618/index2.html#post1060191062

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/would-you-date-a-guy-195614/index2.html#post1060182009



pete24 said:


> Haha, well... Its not like I do in some ways (Havent got issues from it all, theres no restrictions on where I can go, what I can do and they wont have to take on extra responsibility's)
> 
> Whilst dating a single mum would mean they would have full access to the kids, you would have to completely accept them as part of the package. Most plans would have to involve them and even if your tired and just want to chill, you would be on the move with her kids....
> 
> ...


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

komorikun said:


> Yes, because I get something out of it. If he is really good looking I will want more sex and probably enjoy it more. If he is not so good looking then he needs to have other qualities and that includes making a decent living. Being broke sucks. If he has neither what will I get out of the relationship?


 Cunnilingus? What if he'a cunnilingus master?


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

komorikun said:


> Yes, because I get something out of it. If he is really good looking I will want more sex and probably enjoy it more. If he is not so good looking then he needs to have other qualities and that includes making a decent living. Being broke sucks. If he has neither what will I get out of the relationship?


exactly. it's all about what you get out of it and not sharing a relationship hence being incredibly shallow.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> exactly. it's all about what you get out of it and not sharing a relationship hence being incredibly shallow.


Find me a person who gets into a relationship out of pity or compassion.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

komorikun said:


> Find me a person who gets into a relationship out of pity or compassion.


You're missing the point, according to you, you'll only enter into a relationship if the dude is modelesque or wealthy, explain to me how that isn't shallow?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> You're missing the point, according to you, you'll only enter into a relationship if the dude is modelesque or wealthy, explain to me how that isn't shallow?


No, they do not need to be modelesque or wealthy. They have to attractive to me and be middle-class (among other things).


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I wish I made as much money as my brother. He makes almost $60000 a year. I was lucky if I made $10000 a year and there were some years that I made almost nothing. I've never had the looks or money so I've been screwed both ways.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't listen to her. You don't have to be good looking to get a gf. You don't have to have money either.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Everyone can have a boyfriend or girlfriend if they lower their standards enough. If the OP is willing to date an overweight 45 year old woman who works at Walmart and has 3 kids, I'm sure he'd find someone within a couple months of online dating.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I wish I would've tried years ago to get a girlfriend. I've never thought that I was good looking and not having any money just made it worse. Now I've almost have given up on it ever happening. I wish I didn't care what is thought of me but I've always been that way.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Dating a single mother is a lot different than dating someone who is taking care of his/her parents.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Would said guy even have money or time to date? I probably wouldn't date a man in this situation.


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## Chatise19 (Dec 31, 2011)

srschirm said:


> Dating a single mother is a lot different than dating someone who is taking care of his/her parents.


Yeah because at least the children she has are growing older and going to leave the nest. Taking care of parents is a permanent career since they aren't gonna suddenly become able. Bad position to be in, even though its kind-hearted too. Have you tried online dating OP?


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> Would said guy even have money or time to date? I probably wouldn't date a man in this situation.


That's why I've basically given up on dating and why I've wished that I would've years ago. I'll never have the money or the time to go out.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Have you thought about going to a support group for caregivers of family members? You might just find somebody in the same boat as you - at the very least you'd find people that could really relate to a lot of the stresses and issues particular to your situation.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

ravens said:


> That's why I've basically given up on dating and why I've wished that I would've years ago. I'll never have the money or the time to go out.


That's not giving up, really; it's just the default situation. You chose to take care of your parents, which is commendable, and make your life secondary...

I think another reason dating is harder for you is because women will see you have too much on your plate. It's sort of like being a single parent; you may be great, but you already have too much going on and it makes dating you too serious. Like it may become permanent even if you don't want it to.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Still Waters said:


> Have you thought about going to a support group for caregivers of family members? You might just find somebody in the same boat as you - at the very least you'd find people that could really relate to a lot of the stresses and issues particular to your situation.


No I've never thought about that. I guess I could find out information about it.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> That's not giving up, really; it's just the default situation. You chose to take care of your parents, which is commendable, and make your life secondary...
> 
> I think another reason dating is harder for you is because women will see you have too much on your plate. It's sort of like being a single parent; you may be great, but you already have too much going on and it makes dating you too serious. Like it may become permanent even if you don't want it to.


I should've dated years ago when I wasn't taking care of them. It does make me sad that I'll never be in a relationship but I don't know what I can do about it. I've always wanted a girlfriend but it's something that I don't think will ever happen.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

This is relevant to my interests, so yes. :yes


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## HustleRose (Jun 19, 2009)

Nope. And if he's in his 40s, well, it just makes the whole situation more depressing because I know it's cemented; that's your life forever and it's just, well, sad.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

HustleRose said:


> Nope. And if he's in his 40s, well, it just makes the whole situation more depressing because I know it's cemented; that's your life forever and it's just, well, sad.


I know it is sad. It makes me so depressed knowing that I'll never have a girlfriend.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

ravens said:


> I know it is sad. It makes me so depressed knowing that I'll never have a girlfriend.


I know right, it's like this forum just reinforces our SA.

Thanks for the support ladies.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Canucklehead said:


> I know right, it's like this forum just reinforces our SA.
> 
> Thanks for the support ladies.


:sus 
For being honest and answering his question? When people on this message board stop writing how women don't suffer at all from SAD or to the same degree as men, I'll cry you a river.


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## HustleRose (Jun 19, 2009)

ravens said:


> I know it is sad. It makes me so depressed knowing that I'll never have a girlfriend.


I wouldn't say that. Taking care of your parents is great, but you also need to have your own life, or at least put some importance on it. 
Don't just give up. I'm sure there's a nice 40 year-old woman out there taking care of her mother who'd love to meet a nice man who empathizes.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> :sus
> For being honest and answering his question? When people on this message board stop writing how women don't suffer at all from SAD or to the same degree as men, I'll cry you a river.


I'm not mad about it because it is a tough situation to be in. I'm mad at myself for not trying years ago. I can understand if a woman wouldn't want to date somebody in this situation.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

HustleRose said:


> I wouldn't say that. Taking care of your parents is great, but you also need to have your own life, or at least put some importance on it.
> Don't just give up. I'm sure there's a nice 40 year-old woman out there taking care of her mother who'd love to meet a nice man who empathizes.


I guess so but it is so tough when you have no experience dating at all.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

ravens said:


> I'm not mad about it because it is a tough situation to be in. I'm mad at myself for not trying years ago. I can understand if a woman wouldn't want to date somebody in this situation.


I realize that from your comments. I mean, I definitely feel bad and understand it's a tough situation that you're in, but the truth is that it will be harder for you. 
You need "me time," as tacky as that sounds. Not having dating experience, well, that just means you'll be extra nervous and will maybe say things you'll regret later, but it's not too late to start. You're never too old to do anything, but you're always too young to realize it.

Could you get a nurse for your parents?


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> I realize that from your comments. I mean, I definitely feel bad and understand it's a tough situation that you're in, but the truth is that it will be harder for you.
> You need "me time," as tacky as that sounds. Not having dating experience, well, that just means you'll be extra nervous and will maybe say things you'll regret later, but it's not too late to start. You're never too old to do anything, but you're always too young to realize it.
> 
> Could you get a nurse for your parents?


I don't know if I could get a nurse for them.

The doctors keep saying that he should improve in 6 to 8 months but it's already been over 4 months. He had a ultrasound of his heart done a couple of weeks ago and they said that he has a lot of plaque floating around in his blood.

If that plaque was to get stuck in his brain then he could have another stroke. He had the first stroke back at the end of April. About 2 months ago he had blurred vision and they found out that he had a stroke in one of his eyes which has killed his retina. He can move around okay but he can't see in one of his eyes and the other has half vision.


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

Maybe start a business from home?

I already have all these ideas in my head...

:eyes


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

lilyamongthorns said:


> Maybe start a business from home?
> 
> I already have all these ideas in my head...
> 
> :eyes


I've thought about working from home. I'll have to see what I can find out.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

lilyamongthorns said:


> Maybe start a business from home?
> 
> I already have all these ideas in my head...
> 
> :eyes


I have 

Actually that's my main source of income.

Being your own boss is the best


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

ravens said:


> I've thought about working from home. I'll have to see what I can find out.


Totally!


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

Canucklehead said:


> I have
> 
> Actually that's my main source of income.
> 
> Being your own boss is the best


Please share, what do you do?! I need to make some $ money $ from home!


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

ravens said:


> I don't know if I could get a nurse for them.
> 
> The doctors keep saying that he should improve in 6 to 8 months but it's already been over 4 months. He had a ultrasound of his heart done a couple of weeks ago and they said that he has a lot of plaque floating around in his blood.
> 
> If that plaque was to get stuck in his brain then he could have another stroke. He had the first stroke back at the end of April. About 2 months ago he had blurred vision and they found out that he had a stroke in one of his eyes which has killed his retina. He can move around okay but he can't see in one of his eyes and the other has half vision.


Don't count on him getting that much better. He is at the age where health can deteriorate quickly. He is likely to need more and more care. That's what happened with my father.



ravens said:


> I guess so but it is so tough when you have no experience dating at all.


Uh-oh. This is going to be a problem. I looked into surrogate therapy. Finally decided on hookers. I like hookers.


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## Laura1990 (May 12, 2012)

A guy living with his parents puts me off, but I suppose if it were for that reason (taking care of ill parents) it'd be another story.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Canucklehead said:


> I know right, it's like this forum just reinforces our SA.
> 
> Thanks for the support ladies.


For real...the man is doing such a nice thing and can't catch a break.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

scarpia said:


> Don't count on him getting that much better. He is at the age where health can deteriorate quickly. He is likely to need more and more care. That's what happened with my father.


I just hope that he doesn't get much worse than he is now.



scarpia said:


> Uh-oh. This is going to be a problem. I looked into surrogate therapy. Finally decided on hookers. I like hookers.


I've always thought that I wouldn't go to a hooker. If I decided to go to a hooker one of the problems would be that I'm nearly broke every month.

Going to a hooker won't help with my anxiety talking to women I will just not be a virgin anymore.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

ravens said:


> I just hope that he doesn't get much worse than he is now.


 I'm sorry, but he will. My father seemed physically healthy although he had alzheimer's, but he went downhill pretty fast. We caught the colon cancer in time, but he got multiple myeloma. I was able to keep working, but I was at the point of near total exhaustion by the end. When he died I found myself to be the real 40 yo virgin. It was not a big plus with women. You would think that being loyal and sacrificing for someone you love would be a positive trait, but for some reason it isn't. You would think women would see that you are that kind of person and that you would be loyal to your gf, but it looks like people don't count that as a trait as desirable as looks or money. I am not sure why.



ravens said:


> I've always thought that I wouldn't go to a hooker. If I decided to go to a hooker one of the problems would be that I'm nearly broke every month.
> 
> Going to a hooker won't help with my anxiety talking to women I will just not be a virgin anymore.


I did not go to hooker when dad was alive. I just couldn't do it for some reason. It didn't feel right while he was dying. But looking back I think that was a poor decision. You WILL feel better about having had sex - it's just one of those biological needs. The money issue is the problem for you. I didn't have that since dad had a good pension and I worked.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

Why didn't I try talking to women a long time ago? I've always waited for the women to approach me. I've always had an excuse, like no woman would want me because I don't have any money. Like I'm not attractive enough to get a woman. I just wish that I didn't feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just seeing an attractive woman. I'm just so ****ing depressed anymore. Sometimes I feel like why do I even want to continue living this life.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

There is no point in looking back. It is only making you more depressed. Look into what you can do now to improve your situation in the future. I'm sorry but it will not be easy, especially with your parents health declining. Unfortunately you are going to be the caregiver while your brother lives his life normally. That's they way it happens unfortunately - one sibling ends up doing all the work. I did while my sister did nothing. Maybe tell your brother that your parents need some nursing care and he has to chip in to pay for it? That might give you some more free time to deal with your problems.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

scarpia said:


> There is no point in looking back. It is only making you more depressed. Look into what you can do now to improve your situation in the future. I'm sorry but it will not be easy, especially with your parents health declining. Unfortunately you are going to be the caregiver while your brother lives his life normally. That's they way it happens unfortunately - one sibling ends up doing all the work. I did while my sister did nothing. Maybe tell your brother that your parents need some nursing care and he has to chip in to pay for it? That might give you some more free time to deal with your problems.


Not a bad idea really. Sorry about your situation.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

OP, don't listen to the answers here. You know the real answer. Someone who really, really cared about you wouldn't care.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

The thing is people don't know you at first. You are just some guy with a sob story. So they don't care and probably don't want to get involved. If you've been married for 15 years, then of course it's a different story.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Yes, I agree.

Just don't rule women/girls out. If she is over 25, she's datable. You should look at dating anybody from 25-50, going by your age.

And don't expect rainbows, butterflies, and kittens at first. Relationships are hard. I have never been in one, either, but I have observed, and every relationship has fights. The key is to relax and not beat yourself up over anything.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I just need to put myself out there but it's something I've never been able to do. It's just so tough when I see a attractive woman and I almost have a panic attack. Just thinking about smiling or flirting causes me to get nervous. Just talking to people sometimes I start to stutter. I can only imagine how bad it would it would be if I were to try talk to someone I was attracted to.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> Yes, I agree.
> 
> Just don't rule women/girls out. If she is over 25, she's datable. You should look at dating anybody from 25-50, going by your age.
> 
> And don't expect rainbows, butterflies, and kittens at first. Relationships are hard. I have never been in one, either, but I have observed, and every relationship has fights. The key is to relax and not beat yourself up over anything.


I have seen my parent's marriage and my brother's marriage and they both have had their problems. My brother at one time told me that I had the right idea not getting into a relationship. That was quite a while ago when he said that and now their relationship is doing good.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

ravens said:


> I just need to put myself out there but it's something I've never been able to do. It's just so tough when I see a attractive woman and I almost have a panic attack. Just thinking about smiling or flirting causes me to get nervous. Just talking to people sometimes I start to stutter. I can only imagine how bad it would it would be if I were to try talk to someone I was attracted to.


I know how it is. But if I can get a woman, then you can, haha. Do you do internet dating at all?


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

srschirm said:


> I know how it is. But if I can get a woman, then you can, haha. Do you do internet dating at all?


No I have never done internet dating. I have thought about it but I would probably have a hard time making a profile about myself.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

ravens said:


> No I have never done internet dating. I have thought about it but I would probably have a hard time making a profile about myself.


Give it a shot! It's an order!


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## Quinn the Eskimo (Jan 22, 2012)

internet dating sounds like your last resort, bud

sadly most people care about looks, money, and social status

better to face the facts than have false hope. you will either have to lower your standards a lot and possibly find someone online, or work on 'bettering' yourself


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

ravens said:


> No I have never done internet dating. I have thought about it but I would probably have a hard time making a profile about myself.


I tried 40 yo virgin profiles in a couple of places - no pic or anything to identify who I really was. I actually got kicked out of one site where I was posting in the forum. Just after an hour of posting - people were insulting me and calling me a troll, saying it was impossible for that to really happen. The place they didn't kick me out of was a sex and swingers site - I thought it was funny to post on there as 40 yo virgin. It was, but it's not like any woman is willing to deflower guys like that.

I tried other types of profiles online - more normal ones -and I concluded that online dating is no good. Most of the people on there have major problems - that's why they can't get dates in the real world.


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## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

Secretaz said:


> But if you find a woman you can be sure she really loves you, not your looks or your money.


:ditto


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

ravens said:


> No I have never done internet dating. I have thought about it but I would probably have a hard time making a profile about myself.


I understand that. It's a good thing good if you have approach anxiety. I don't see how it could hurt you.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

srschirm said:


> For real...the man is doing such a nice thing and can't catch a break.


Says Mr. I-wouldn't-date-a-woman-with-kids. :roll


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## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Don't worry about finding a girlfriend.* Just try to find other hobbies: Hiking, exercise, sports, fishing, online classes, art, science, books, music, etc.... and you don't have to do these things alone. You can join a club, meetup groups, etc.

I use to worry, all the time, about finding a girlfriend. This caused me a lot of depression because like you, I'm very inexperienced, live with my parents, and have a low income.

But now I don't worry about finding a girlfriend; as a result, I feel happier. I've become content with dying a virgin and never having a girlfriend. Instead of worrying and making changes to my personality and status so I can be "normal", I just spend my free time reading, hiking, learning, exercising, etc. I do these things alone because I like being alone (it's peaceful and relaxing)..

... But you don't have to be alone. Women are usually shallow when selecting partners; however, they are usually not so shallow when selecting friends. Women usually don't demand that their friends have high incomes and model looks.

So maybe just think about finding activities you enjoy, and then doing those activities with people who also have those interest. In doing those activities, you will probably make friends... and having friends is enough. But, who knows, a friend might even become interested. Nonetheless, I think it's best to stop looking and just focus on the things you can control.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Lets not put this guy down. I know you still have hope.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Originally Posted by *ravens*  
_No I have never done internet dating. I have thought about it but I would probably have a hard time making a profile about myself._



srschirm said:


> I understand that. It's a good thing good if you have approach anxiety. I don't see how it could hurt you.


 It CAN hurt. It can crush a guy's self esteem. It can be like multiplying rejection 1000 times to some men. It's not just one or two women rejecting a guy - it's 1000s of them on the site. It might be a bit much for a guy who has never dated before.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

I've been rejected dozens and dozens of times online. 

Yet, I had two sex partners.


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

No. Unless he won lotto, has a big inheritance from someone, or a retired actor. Like he was a child star or something and now he's older and doesn't need to work.


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## theSonoran (Oct 4, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Yes, because I get something out of it. If he is really good looking I will want more sex and probably enjoy it more. If he is not so good looking then he needs to have other qualities and that includes making a decent living. Being broke sucks. If he has neither what will I get out of the relationship?





komorikun said:


> No, they do not need to be modelesque or wealthy. They have to attractive to me and be middle-class (among other things).





lonelygirl88 said:


> No. Unless he won lotto, has a big inheritance from someone, or a retired actor. Like he was a child star or something and now he's older and doesn't need to work.


What exactly are you two bringing into the relationship? If I, for example, was to pursue a relationship with one of you, what would _I_ get out of it?


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## theSonoran (Oct 4, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Hopefully I will be attractive to my partner and after graduating making a decent income. I also have a number of interesting experiences having lived abroad. And there is no worry of having to take care of my parents. My mom is already dead and when my dad gets too ill to take care of himself he is going to a nursing home on his dime. I do not plan on ever living with him ever again.


Millions of girls are attractive, so that's kind of a moot point. You potentially could be making decent money, but you aren't making it yet. I could potentially be a millionaire, so what? The fact that you don't have to care of your parents isn't any sort of asset.


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## colder (Oct 5, 2012)

..


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

theSonoran said:


> Millions of girls are attractive, so that's kind of a moot point. You potentially could be making decent money, but you aren't making it yet. I could potentially be a millionaire, so what? The fact that you don't have to care of your parents isn't any sort of asset.


What does it matter to you why I wouldn't date someone? There are millions of attractive guys with jobs and no parents to take care of too. There is no need for me to be exceptional. The career should be happening in the near future. No, it is not an asset but at least I don't have any major liabilities.

Having kids or having parents you have to take care of is a huge liability. And no income is another huge liability since you need money to survive and have a good time. Just scraping by sucks. I'd rather be single forever than date someone with all those problems.

I'm sure the OP can find a girlfriend but that person would most likely have the same amount of problems that he has. As I mentioned here:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/would-you-date-a-guy-202924/index2.html#post1060288065


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## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

Sound's like your brother & his family could be doing more OP, perhaps sharing the responsibility a bit while you look for a job? 

Or even paying for a nursing home/nurse perhaps, until you can contribute which should give you more free time.


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## theSonoran (Oct 4, 2012)

komorikun said:


> What does it matter to you why I wouldn't date someone? There are millions of attractive guys with jobs and no parents to take care of too. The career should be happening in the near future. No, it is not an asset but at least I don't have any major liabilities.
> 
> Having kids or having parents you have to take care of is a huge liability. And no income is another huge liability since you need money to survive and have a good time. Just scraping by sucks. I'd rather be single forever than date someone with all those problems.
> 
> ...


I was just wondering on what grounds you're demanding so much, all the while failing to look at things that are truly important. Instead of taking into consideration whether or not your hypothetical partner is genuinely a good person, you instead only focus on his financial and social status. I hope for the sake of all men you do choose to remain single for the rest of your life, that is unless you completely overhaul your shallow mindset.


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## theSonoran (Oct 4, 2012)

komorikun said:


> What does it matter to you why I wouldn't date someone? There are millions of attractive guys with jobs and no parents to take care of too. The career should be happening in the near future. No, it is not an asset but at least I don't have any major liabilities.
> 
> Having kids or having parents you have to take care of is a huge liability. And no income is another huge liability since you need money to survive and have a good time. Just scraping by sucks. I'd rather be single forever than date someone with all those problems.
> 
> ...


I was just wondering on what grounds you're demanding so much, all the while failing to look at things that are truly important. Instead of taking into consideration whether or not your hypothetical partner is genuinely a good person, you instead only focus on his financial and social status. I hope for the sake of all men you do choose to remain single for the rest of your life, that is unless you completely overhaul your shallow mindset.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

This is weird. 4 times I've gotten a quote notification but there is nothing here.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


Congrats on being a gold digger.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Aces_Shy said:


> Congrats on being a gold digger.


No, I'm not a gold digger. Wanting a middle-class lifestyle does not make one a gold digger. If you have no income and no education then you need an inheritance or something.

If I was willing to date a guy 20 years older or way uglier than me if he made $200,000 or more then I would be a gold digger. Not there is anything wrong with being a gold digger though. Relationships are always exchanges.


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## lyric (Aug 21, 2011)

Nope.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Hell no.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

komorikun said:


> No, I'm not a gold digger. Wanting a middle-class lifestyle does not make one a gold digger. If you have no income and no education then you need an inheritance or something.


There's nothing wrong with wanting a middle class lifestyle at all. I just hope you would be contributing some of your income and not expecting the guy to pay your way with his inheritance.



komorikun said:


> Not there is anything wrong with being a gold digger though


Many people look down at gold diggers because they bring nothing to the relationship and completely sponge off the guy without having to work at all. I guess it depends who you ask though.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

I don't see how 'taking care of your parents' justifies not working.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

TPower said:


> I don't see how 'taking care of your parents' justifies not working.


Agreed. I'm assuming your parents qualify for medicaid? If so, you can just hirea care giver to look after your parents while you're at work. Medicaid will cover the expenses of the care giver.


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## Scorpio90 (Oct 17, 2012)

Definitely yes  I do love a filial guy!!!


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## Rich19 (Aug 11, 2012)

Iv'e answered this replacing guy with girl.

Althogh my real opinion would not be a straight NO! but I would be reluctant


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## Dissonant (Sep 22, 2012)

I would first like to add that I'm in a similar situation, taking care of my mother. Sadly, we also have a crushing debt load due to my ******* of a father who is worth close to a million but is also a sociopath who loves to financially abuse people so that he can force them to be dependent on him and put up with the other kinds of abuse too. :no I won't sell my soul to him so he can dangle financial security on a stick in front of me.

I am also on disability due to health issues, so that's a problem too.

So, would I date someone like myself? Maybe if it weren't serious, but otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to her -- if there's no money, there's no future in the relationship. Sad but true.


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## evginmubutu (Sep 12, 2011)

Raven, as difficult as it is the first step is valuing your life. No matter what, all you really have is _your_ life. Taking care of your parents is commendable, being unemployed is not. But none of that matters. The only thing that really matters is your life. This is the talk I had with my younger brother who was mooching off my parents and living in their basement smoking weed and playing video games (I know you aren't mooching but it's a relevant point). Until you feel a measure of independence and personal vitality, no positive change will come in your life. I always think of the dog chasing the cat when I think about depressed guys who are depressed because they don't have a girlfriend. At this point, would magically having a girlfriend make you not depressed? Or would you have no real clue about how to care for another person because you don't know how to care for yourself? The dog doesn't know what to do with the cat!!

ANyway all that bs aside - you need to move out and get a job. Sorry it's tough but it's the only way.


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## Fenren (Sep 20, 2009)

There are actually still some nice women around that won't care about those things Ravens, it's just finding them. Some women just think they're entitled to more, plus assume they look hotter than they are. You are better off without these types anyway.

Get out and look, try on-line dating, don't expect them to come to you. Things aren't over, it's not too late yet, if you're still in the same position at 50 though...


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## ElectricEnigma (Oct 3, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Only if he was very good looking. Or was expecting a big inheritance once the parents die and that would most likely happen in the near future.


I hope I never come across a girl like you that would only get with me for my money or looks. You wouldn't be worth my time and as an act of self respect I wouldn't even consider getting with you.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

ElectricEnigma said:


> I hope I never come across a girl like you that would only get with me for my money or looks. You wouldn't be worth my time and as an act of self respect I wouldn't even consider getting with you.


Come on man, really?

You can't expect a female to want to go out with a dude who is at the age where they should be comfortable financially, has never held a job, has no education, and no prospects for the future.

Not trying to be mean to you op, but that's just reality. It's never too late to self improve, I see people in their 50's at the university all the time. Starting sooner is definitely a benefit though.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

ElectricEnigma said:


> I hope I never come across a girl like you that would only get with me for my money or looks. You wouldn't be worth my time and as an act of self respect I wouldn't even consider getting with you.


I don't want to be broke for the rest of my life. Nor do I want to be married someone that I don't want to have sex with. What would the point be in that?

I don't get why what I said is sooooo horrible but it's perfectly okay for guys to say they want to date a "cute" girl but they would never date a single mother.


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## evginmubutu (Sep 12, 2011)

people can do whatever they want. if you want money and looks that's your prerogative. you don't want a single mother thats your prerogative. the thing i would take into account is that everybody is capable of change. so you could weigh whether this person is trying to change or whether they've given up.


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## ElectricEnigma (Oct 3, 2012)

Canucklehead said:


> Come on man, really?
> 
> You can't expect a female to want to go out with a dude who is at the age where they should be comfortable financially, has never held a job, has no education, and no prospects for the future.
> 
> Not trying to be mean to you op, but that's just reality. It's never too late to self improve, I see people in their 50's at the university all the time. Starting sooner is definitely a benefit though.


I never said I wasn't self improving. I am constantly self improving. And yes, I have a job. I also hold dual qualifications. Also, I am a youth worker. Obviously, I am not going to make that much but I didn't get into the profession because of the money.


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## ElectricEnigma (Oct 3, 2012)

komorikun said:


> I don't want to be broke for the rest of my life. Nor do I want to be married someone that I don't want to have sex with. What would the point be in that?
> 
> I don't get why what I said is sooooo horrible but it's perfectly okay for guys to say they want to date a "cute" girl but they would never date a single mother.


You said you would still date him if he were cute but poor. But then you said you would still date him if he were rich but ugly. I understand the need to be financially secure. But, how can someone not read that and think you're only dating someone for either looks or the chance to be stupidly rich? I mean, if I were the guy, how should I feel knowing this?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

ElectricEnigma said:


> You said you would still date him if he were cute but poor. But then you said you would still date him if he were rich but ugly. I understand the need to be financially secure. But, how can someone not read that and think you're only dating someone for either looks or the chance to be stupidly rich? I mean, if I were the guy, how should I feel knowing this?


I'm not sure if I would be able to date someone rich but ugly. There was no mention of being ugly in the OP's question. Rich but mediocre looking might be okay. Not really willing to give up my sex life for money. But if the guy was taking care of his parents and had no income/no education then he needs an inheritance. The inheritance would make up for the lack of income. I mean, something has to give. You can't live on love alone.

I do look at the whole picture. For example, I prefer someone who is vegetarian and liberal. But yeah, no income and no career in your 40s is deal breaker for the vast majority of people.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I'm not sure if I would be able to date someone rich but ugly. There was no mention of being ugly in the OP's question. Rich but mediocre looking might be okay. Not really willing to give up my sex life for money. But if the guy was taking care of his parents and had no income/no education then he needs an inheritance. The inheritance would make up for the lack of income. I mean, something has to give. You can't live on love alone.
> 
> I do look at the whole picture. For example, I prefer someone who is vegetarian and liberal. But yeah, no income and no career in your 40s is deal breaker for the vast majority of people.


I wouldn't consider myself ugly. If I was like my brother and make over $50000 a year then I wouldn't be concerned. He was the one that got the girlfriends, got married and had a baby. I was the one that got nothing.


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## VirginKing (Oct 31, 2012)

ravens said:


> I wouldn't consider myself ugly. If I was like my brother and make over $50000 a year then I wouldn't be concerned. He was the one that got the girlfriends, got married and had a baby. I was the one that got nothing.


why don't you ask him for advice, tell him to lend you a helping hand or two, help vouch for you in the work field or something like that.

Maybe you have too much pride, perhaps?


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

VirginKing said:


> why don't you ask him for advice, tell him to lend you a helping hand or two, help vouch for you in the work field or something like that.
> 
> Maybe you have too much pride, perhaps?


There was a time that his company needed help but instead of having me working he gave the job to his wife. I wouldn't ask him for ****ing nothing.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Yeah, you need to do something. I mean, what is going to happen after your parents die? Most likely you won't be able to receive social security until you are age 70. Did you pay social security when you were working?


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I worked on and off since I was 20 so I did pay social security. I've worked enough to earn enough credits for social security.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

ravens said:


> that is living with his parents and is umemployed and is having to take care of his parents. I don't see how I can get a job when I have to take care of them all the time.


Most women would not date you, but I'm sure that there are women out there who would easily be able to look past your not working (for money) and living with your parents because of why you are not working and living with your parents. I'd imagine that there are women who are successful, and financially secure, but older and alone, whether through divorce, or being widowed, or just never finding a man, and who would not feel the need to have the man that they're seeing be a big earner. You're a good person for what you're doing, and that won't be lost on a lot of women who I'm sure would be very sympathetic to your situation. I say make an honest dating profile, that says your situation plainly, and see if any women bite. Worst case, they don't, but I doubt that you wouldn't be able to find anyone.

I haven't read through all the pages, but is there a chance you could get a home health aid that is paid for by the state? Obviously they're not full time, but if you can get a few hours a week off, that'd make dating a lot easier.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I don't get the big deal about what komorikun said. If she has preferences for what she wants to date, then that's fine. They don't sound unreasonable to me, either. Sure we all like to think we fall in love and that's the only thing that matters, but it's not. There's finances, stability, and all that. 
The OP may very well find a relationship in his current situation, there's other women in his position out there that he could meet and connect with over that. But, for a lot of women, they want a man who can take care of himself, just like how a lot of the guys in here apparently would not want to date a woman with a child. Because you're going into a relationship where there's a possibility of a lot of responsibility that you don't feel capable of handling. It's just honesty. I don't see a reason to sugar coat that the OP is in a difficult situation. Again, not impossible, as he's not the only person to take care of parents or relatives. But there's no reason to slam someone else's opinion and to paint a picture that true love will conquer all or something.


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## Unknown88 (Aug 21, 2012)

I think if he were in his 20's it wouldn't phase me that he lived with his parents and was unemployed, the recession is tough. But I think in the long term I'd have a hard time being in a relationship with someone who lived with their parents indefinitely. I guess I am very private and I wouldn't like having to have our relationship around his parents all the time. I know times are hard and I don't judge people, but I also get extremely scared meeting a guy's parents after a horrendous experience, seeing them so much would be overwhelming.


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## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

Man, i hope things get better for u ravens... maybe just try and get a part time job so that you can at least say you have one, and if you do that u might find the right lady and she will understand and see how hard you are trying... never give u hope


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## Mongoose (Oct 26, 2012)

Yet another reason I'd be better off castrating myself.


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