# Had a Panic Attack at work



## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

I'm a very strange creature. I know I have social anxiety, but it doesn't affect me in all the conventional ways that it may affect others. For example, even though I was extremely nervous, I managed to use those nerves to my advantage when I sat for a job interview as a business IT analyst, and I got the job.

Fast forward a few months later, and I'm finding I'm really not cut out for, or surviving this job. There is one 'trigger' that simply makes me lose it, and that's the whole 'going round the table' meeting discussions, where everyone waits their turn to contribute.

So it appears this is going to be a regular occurance of this position. The other week I was totally unprepared and literally froze on the spot, stumbling and mumbling out a mess of words, embarrassing myself in front of everyone in my team. My issue is rather simple; in situations like these where I'm put on the spot, and I haven't got a scripted answer to whatever question has been put forward, my mind literally goes blank, preventing me from answering.

It's a cruel world out there. I dont know what to do. Other aspects of the job I'm doing better at. I feel my boss must be thinking... wow... how did we get it so wrong to hire this guy in the first place...


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

Anyone else struggling with these 'around the table' meeting discussions? It is my specific phobia that I literally can't handle, and its gotten to the point where I've been excessively worrying about the next meeting that will come up (and it will) and how I will perform. Considered quitting job because of this...

Most other things I can handle (eg meetings with no more than 3 people on a topic i understand, small talk in kitchen, talk to other colleuges one on one in office). I suppose the other thing is making phone calls in my cublicle with others watching. There's this girl who seems to have a perfectly scripted, perfectly toned reply to everyone she speaks to on the phone (no umms and arrs) where as when I'm on the phone people can literally hear my phone is shaking. I hate this!


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## pbjsamm (Jul 16, 2013)

Jamie, you are not alone, I wanted to write to let you know. I suffer from intense anxiety and panic attacks every day I have to work. It's a struggle to say the least and I experience the same worry as you. With me, my worry is mostly centered around phone calls as that is one of the main facets of my job that really sets my panic and anxiety into high gear, without fail, every single time (and the call volume is high in my field, so I'm pretty much on edge the entire work day). Like you, I also compare myself other coworkers and have considered quitting due to constantly fearing the act of speaking on the phone in my coworkers' presence.

I think it's a matter of you re-framing your perspective on the situation and resolving the deeper rooted cause of your fear. It seems clear that you feel you mess up and stumble and everyone notices. Now, let's examine the fact that most people are in their own world and absorbed in their own thoughts. For the select few who were truly present and paying attention, they likely didn't think much of it and if anything, felt for you, in a good way. I can recall this one meeting at a prior company in which a coworker's face went completely pink when it came his turn to talk and he looked a bit shy and uncomfortable. For the brief moment that it happened, I just thought, 'oh, he's nervous, he's shy.' I didn't think anything terrible in terms of his capabilities or his personality. That just gives you an idea of a potential reaction a coworker might have to you experiencing some nervousness. 

I know how it can feel all-consuming and it becomes a full fledged phobia and before you know it, you want to flee from the situation. I'm there, so I totally get it, 100%. However, if you work on evaluating why you feel the way you feel and really analyze your thinking -- which is likely very negative in terms of these round-table discussions -- and work on the cognitive distortions that may be causing your feelings of discomfort -- and also recognize your panic/anxiety or whatever you're feeling as nervousness... which is honestly, NORMAL, for the situation... I mean, unless you're super extroverted and like to hear yourself talk or just like for your ideas to be heard... it's OKAY to be nervous and feel like it's not coming out the way you wish. However, you can only keep trying, again and again. There are so many techniques to help comfort you through your feelings of nervousness, whether it be, deep breathing, taking it slow (ie. speaking slowly), repeating positive affirmations, but I think the bottom line is to work on challenging some beliefs you have solidified about yourself in this situation given your fear. Think about it like this... if you're constantly fearing something, expecting the worst, basically praying for the negative to occur... it could be self-fulfillment. That's why I mention visualization... visualize yourself in that setting, able to speak fluidly and without any issue. Have faith in yourself. Work on the underlying beliefs fueling the fear. You're the one beating yourself up and need to give yourself some slack and realize that you have the strength to overcome.


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

Thanks pbjsamm for taking the time to write that. I have found it quite useful, especially to see the perspective of someone else that has been in my shoes.

One thing I will say though, is its much easier said than done. I know I shouldn't be focussing on what they think. I know my attention should be directed only to what is currently being discussed in the meeting. I know not everyone is looking at me and assessing me. I know I'm not intellectually incapacitated compared to my colleagues, such that I would have a reason to feel inferior. I don't doubt these things, so you could say I believe it.

HOWEVER, this doesn't stop, what appears to be quite an involuntary process, of me getting all the physical symptoms (heart racing, pink face, stuttering voice, mind blank) when I'm put in a position where I have to respond, and where I'm being judged for my response. It's almost like it feels its an involuntary thing - especially the ability to think calmly and clearly in these types of situations. 

I know it can be improved upon with practice etc, but I think people with social anxiety have, hard wired, highly sensitive brains responding to extra stimuli that normal people dont have. For example, during a meeting, I dont WANT to be focussing on anything except the conversation (which I can do speaking to people one on one etc), yet it seems almost involuntary that my brain diverts to a million other thoughts.. like what could go wrong, what he could ask, could i answer that or this etc etc... these things make me nervous.. and I think thats a big root cause to the anxiety. 

The other root cause is sometimes I want to say something, but to be able to say it in a way for people to understand, I would have to structure a response where one statement leads on to the other in a sequential fashion that makes sense to the audience. Sometimes I literally dont know to structure that response, even if speaking to a person one on one. So in a group, I feel weary about speaking up, because I dont know if I can get out what I want to say clearly.

So its kind of two things bothering me... 1) expression skills 2) stopping these intrusive involuntary thoughts of other irrelevant things etc..


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

And just to clarify, I would say my 'subconcious' brain diverts to a million other thoughts. I wouldn't be actively thinking about what could go wrong in the meetings. For example, let's say theres a meeting of 15 people (my department) and the manager has requested that we all, one by one, explain briefly what activities we had been working on in the week.

Now had I struck up a conversation with a colleague in the kitchen, and he had casually asked me, so what have you been working on, I wouldnt have much trouble in responding to that. Thought process would work. I would say a few things. Brain would be calm, brain would work.

Now switch back to the meeting situation. As we go around the room and my turn gets closer, I'm trying my best to frame a response. However my subconscious gets bombarded with the fear that I won't be able to get the words out the way I want. That fear causes all the physical symptoms to appear (heart rate, shaky voice etc). As I notice the symptoms, it becomes even harder to concentrate on what I want to say. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. The fear came from thinking of the very thing I feared.


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## pbjsamm (Jul 16, 2013)

Jamie, I actually understand what you're saying and can totally commiserate because you summed up exactly what I go through at work. You're actually in a better position anxiety wise than I am at the moment because the way you feel in the meeting situation is how I feel throughout the entire work day. I know what you mean about the feeling coming from a subconscious place -- you could not have worded it more perfectly. As soon as you're in that environment, the flight or fight response is triggered without you being able to control it or pinpoint why it's happening. I wish I could tell you how to eliminate the anxiety/panic you're experiencing so intensely in that situation, and I so know what you mean by 'easier said than done.' I agree that our brains are hyper sensitive. I do think there are measures we can take to help us better cope with our innate tendency to panic/become anxious. Yoga and meditation always make a difference for me, no matter how subtle. You may find these practices helpful. Prayer and deep breathing are other suggestions. 

With regard to this comment:

'The other root cause is sometimes I want to say something, but to be able to say it in a way for people to understand, I would have to structure a response where one statement leads on to the other in a sequential fashion that makes sense to the audience. Sometimes I literally dont know to structure that response, even if speaking to a person one on one. So in a group, I feel weary about speaking up, because I dont know if I can get out what I want to say clearly.'

What if you just say what you want to say (with the general gist of what you want to say in mind), no rehearsal, no ordering thoughts, just say it however it comes out, regardless of how it comes out, and without worry as to how it's perceived? So what if you have to rephrase or back up and scratch a few things. Is that so bad? Everyone else is winging it. You deserve to give yourself the same leeway to speak freely without censoring yourself.

You can be easier on yourself and just let the words flow and if you feel you messed up, is it really that bad? It may seem horrific because your pent up fear and anxiety is feeding on itself and refueling that way. You're human. We're all imperfect and you deserve to speak freely in whatever fashion you wish. The world won't end no matter how those words come out and if people judge you, so what? Really, so what? I guarantee you you’re much harder on yourself than others. You’re already giving them more consideration in wanting to ensure everything is in order for their perfect comprehension. Meanwhile, they just need the gist, in whatever way they can get it. 

There is this one YouTube video in which this guy stated he overcame his phobia of speaking in front of others by trying to screw up, by really making an effort to screw up. That’s something to consider. If you really try to screw up, you won’t have to walk on so many eggshells in your mind before getting those words out, and you'll probably feel less restricted in your speech.

I think to express yourself, the key is to just go with the flow and not over think. Take a deep breath and do your best. I think we need to let the intrusive thoughts be, to be OKAY with them there floating around in our minds, and to not be intimidated by them but continue on with what you're doing in spite of them. It’s a balancing act. I know it’s a struggle and wish there were a quick cure. I hope you find some relief.


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

PBJsamm, I'm sorry to hear that you are also experiencing intense anxiety through most of the work day. Anxiety sucks doesn't it . I guess I'm lucky then that usually I'm fine, except for these triggers... but they of course.. highly impact my ability to do my job properly, and still put me in the category of 'just holding on' to my job.

I guess what you are saying is to try and be more natural about it, not think about it too hard, and just go with the flow, and say what needs to be said. I guess this works naturally for all of us when we are in our comfort zone. Consider when our parents ask us how work is, or a good friend speaks to you. In these cases, its a natural flow of conversation. Your brain lights up with thoughts and energy, and its just .. easy.

I guess the real reason I try to structure a response is because I'm trying hard to say something.. anything. If I dont 'try' it may reach my turn to speak, and I could just go completely blank! I think one of the effects of anxiety on my brain is it hijacks my thought process, blanking out my ability to retrieve memories and express them when I need them most.

In the case of attempting to frame a response. If I tried not to think about it too much, and go with the flow, I could start saying something, and then get completely lost as to what my train of thought was, leaving me looking stupid. Again, its all due to the vicious cycle whereby the root cause is the FEAR I wont get the words out. But then, the FEAR actually blocks my brain from getting the words out! So how do I stop the fear in the first place?? It's almost as if my brain was wired incorrectly at birth and this is physically impossible.

Nevertheless, I think what you've said is still a good strategy. I wouldnt want to add more pressure on myself by thinking I frame a response that is perfect for their comprehension.. but again what triggers me to attempt to frame a response is the fear of going completely blank 

Anyway I hope you have a good weekend, and that you are finding work manageable.


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## Horizons (May 6, 2014)

I cannot believe how close this parallels my own experiences.

There are similar triggers for me as well: speeches/presentations which I have managed to get through over the years with a great deal of prep, phone calls when office is quiet and everyone can hear, and meetings where we go around the room and speak.

Our dept has these status meetings where we go around the room and every person talks about what they are working on. I've made it through most with no issues even though I had a some anxiety. However, for this one particular meeting I just completely froze when it was my turn; heart started racing, mind started running through too many scenarios, voice/hands started shaking, etc. I just wanted it to end but then people started asking me questions about my project (probably because it was awkward for them as well). At that point I was in a tailspin and could not even get out a response. I could feel plenty of puzzled looks from all my co-workers.

This event was basically my worst nightmare. I am constantly replaying the event over in my head and wondering what the heck all my co-workers must think of me. Really wondering if I destroyed my reputation with my co-workers from this event. I've honestly never seen anyone have a panic attack at work before besides myself, which makes evaluating this situation very difficult  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*I did during my last job*

paramedics turned up to take me to hospital. I felt a bit like a pseudo celebrity


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