# Am I wrong for not wanting to go to my brother’s wedding?



## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

Okay, I’ll start this off by saying, I know I should be happy for my brother and show my support by going to his wedding because I’m his sister, and I feel terribly selfish and pathetic for thinking of my own discomfort first, but the more I think about being in that type of situation the more I want to just lock myself up in my room and never come out. I’ve avoided social functions involving my relatives for years and having to see them now sounds like torture to me. I just get so embarrassed about myself and how little I’ve accomplished over the years, and knowing how judgmental they can be is already making me want to cry from shame. I’m not happy with the way I look, and I’m unemployed because of my social anxiety, so I just feel like a pathetic loser, and showing up to a wedding where I know there will be relatives I haven’t seen in years who will be asking so many questions and judging me is overtaking any logical or positive feelings about going to this wedding. There’s also the fact that I don’t have anything formal to wear and I don’t exactly have the money to buy something either (because, again, I’m not currently working). I still live with my parents and I would have to go in the same car as them because I don’t have one, so showing up to the wedding for a bit wouldn’t be possible for me, I’d have to stay as long as they do. This probably doesn’t help, but my relationship with my brother isn’t the greatest either. We have a big age gap so we were never really that close, and our relationship has gotten worse over the years too. I know if I don’t go, it would look badly on me and it would make my brother and probably my whole family more upset and embarrassed of me. I just can’t stomach going. I know if I actually decide to go I will be uncomfortable the whole time and probably have a breakdown in the bathroom at some point. Does anyone have any advice?


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## Known (May 9, 2021)

I think you should go as it’s your brother and it’s the right thing to do. I think though you could get a lift in with your parents but could you not get a taxi cab back or Uber or get someone to pick you up so you don’t have to stay the whole time? I would say stay at least for the service in the morning but explain to your brother beforehand that you will be attending the ceremony but struggle with these events due to anxiety so you will be leaving shortly after? Also you don’t have to feel shame about yourself at the end of the day you have had your struggles and shouldn’t be hard on yourself be kind to yourself x


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Welcome to the forum.

Do you think your brother would understand if you explained it to him? Like sometimes when I need to explain something, I find it helpful to put it in writing and send it through email because it's a process that takes some time and if the person does have a bad reaction right off the bat, I don't have to be there to make it all the more awkward. And doing it that way would also kind of force the person to think a little more deeply about what they're "hearing" (reading).

Might sound awkward and I guess it probably still is but you might try that. And put your social anxiety front and center and make sure to point out that it isn't their fault and it just is something you can't help. It will almost certainly go in the wrong direction if you make it seem like the fact you have nothing to wear is a bigger deal than your anxiety. They will absolutely probably try go around that with trying to help you find something to wear and still won't get it.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

> I know if I don’t go, it would look badly on me and it would make my brother and probably my whole family more upset and embarrassed of me.


As much as I hate to say it, I think you should just grit your teeth and just go and get it over with, simply for the reason above. And you will be doing so not for your brother, your family, but you're doing it for yourself for the above reason. It is probably not something you want it held over for you the rest of your life. Especially if you're still constantly around your family.

I can definitely understand it being hard to go, if you're fearful of judgment, perception and gossip from relatives and extended families. They will thrive on that. I've been in your situation a few times. Relatives I do not care to see, do not care about, most are probably strangers or I barely know. And especially if you don't really have a close relationship with your brother. It makes that a huge demotivator to want to attend. But you should still just force yourself to go to simply try to avoid any long term turmoil & tension down the line from your family. Because it is indeed something they will remember and bring up again and again and again, and come up again and again, if you don't. Simply think of attending like it is an assigned task from a job that you hate, but you have to, so just go in, get it over with and get out. And try to detached yourself emotionally from it as you attend. Keep everything objective. It will likely be over before you know it. And I guess plenty of alcohol helps if they will be available.


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm going to have to side with those who said to go. Even if it's just seeing your brother and his wife walking down the aisle - perhaps excuse yourself shortly when the afterparty starts. It is a big event in a person's life and family is always going to be the center of those memories, even if you don't have the closest relationship.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

At my sister's wedding, I just stuck with my parents and didn't interact much with all the others. I also have no formal clothes and showed up in jeans and that wasn't an issue at all, but you'd have to ask your brother if he cares about that sort of thing. But I think unless you're serving some formal role in the ceremony on stage he's unlikely to mind.

It's fine to not _want_ to go, but you should go anyway. It's just one day and hopefully he'll never have another wedding. You can hide in the bathroom for a bit if you need to. Having a bad day where you embarrass yourself will be far better than generating long-term negative judgement from family and from your future self for not showing up. If you do go when you don't want to because you know it's the right thing to do, that'll be something you can always feel proud of regardless of how it goes.


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## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

Known said:


> I think you should go as it’s your brother and it’s the right thing to do. I think though you could get a lift in with your parents but could you not get a taxi cab back or Uber or get someone to pick you up so you don’t have to stay the whole time? I would say stay at least for the service in the morning but explain to your brother beforehand that you will be attending the ceremony but struggle with these events due to anxiety so you will be leaving shortly after? Also you don’t have to feel shame about yourself at the end of the day you have had your struggles and shouldn’t be hard on yourself be kind to yourself x


Thank you, I try to remind myself that I should be kinder to myself but it's hard. I'm not sure where the reception will be held yet but I do know that the church the ceremony will be in is far away from where I live. It's at least an hour and 30 minute drive. I'm not too familiar with cab or uber fares, so I'm not sure how doable that will be.


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## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Welcome to the forum.
> 
> Do you think your brother would understand if you explained it to him? Like sometimes when I need to explain something, I find it helpful to put it in writing and send it through email because it's a process that takes some time and if the person does have a bad reaction right off the bat, I don't have to be there to make it all the more awkward. And doing it that way would also kind of force the person to think a little more deeply about what they're "hearing" (reading).
> 
> Might sound awkward and I guess it probably still is but you might try that. And put your social anxiety front and center and make sure to point out that it isn't their fault and it just is something you can't help. It will almost certainly go in the wrong direction if you make it seem like the fact you have nothing to wear is a bigger deal than your anxiety. They will absolutely probably try go around that with trying to help you find something to wear and still won't get it.


I will try talking to him about it, hopefully it goes well. I'm not sure how compassionate or understanding he would be about it, though. The people who I expected to understand me the best (my mother and one of my sisters) treated my distress like it was no big deal or something that I just had to get over, so I'm not sure how my brother will react to it considering this involves something important to him. I still can't get over the guilt of feeling this way though and that I shouldn't even bother him with this and just go to the wedding as my duty as his sister.


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## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

Blue Dino said:


> As much as I hate to say it, I think you should just grit your teeth and just go and get it over with, simply for the reason above. And you will be doing so not for your brother, your family, but you're doing it for yourself for the above reason. It is probably not something you want it held over for you the rest of your life. Especially if you're still constantly around your family.
> 
> I can definitely understand it being hard to go, if you're fearful of judgment, perception and gossip from relatives and extended families. They will thrive on that. I've been in your situation a few times. Relatives I do not care to see, do not care about, most are probably strangers or I barely know. And especially if you don't really have a close relationship with your brother. It makes that a huge demotivator to want to attend. But you should still just force yourself to go to simply try to avoid any long term turmoil & tension down the line from your family. Because it is indeed something they will remember and bring up again and again and again, and come up again and again, if you don't. Simply think of attending like it is an assigned task from a job that you hate, but you have to, so just go in, get it over with and get out. And try to detached yourself emotionally from it as you attend. Keep everything objective. It will likely be over before you know it. And I guess plenty of alcohol helps if they will be available.


Yeah, honestly, I was thinking I would just have to go anyway, even if I receive some kind of blessing from my bother that I don't have to attend. I wouldn't be able to get over the guilt of not going to his wedding and how it would look to everyone else that I wasn't there. I guess my best bet is trying my best to keep to myself the whole time and avoid the more talkative relatives. Thanks for your advice.


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## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

CNikki said:


> I'm going to have to side with those who said to go. Even if it's just seeing your brother and his wife walking down the aisle - perhaps excuse yourself shortly when the afterparty starts. It is a big event in a person's life and family is always going to be the center of those memories, even if you don't have the closest relationship.


Yes, you're right. I know in my mind attending the wedding would be the right thing to do, but my social anxiety overpowers logic most times. It has been helpful getting this response from everyone in this discussion, though. I feel better receiving this advice from people who understand where I'm coming from than from my family who just want me to get over it. Thank you.


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## likeabellthroughthenight (Oct 6, 2021)

Paul said:


> At my sister's wedding, I just stuck with my parents and didn't interact much with all the others. I also have no formal clothes and showed up in jeans and that wasn't an issue at all, but you'd have to ask your brother if he cares about that sort of thing. But I think unless you're serving some formal role in the ceremony on stage he's unlikely to mind.
> 
> It's fine to not _want_ to go, but you should go anyway. It's just one day and hopefully he'll never have another wedding. You can hide in the bathroom for a bit if you need to. Having a bad day where you embarrass yourself will be far better than generating long-term negative judgement from family and from your future self for not showing up. If you do go when you don't want to because you know it's the right thing to do, that'll be something you can always feel proud of regardless of how it goes.


Yeah, I agree. Thanks for your advice. I feel like reading everyone's comments have helped me calm my anxious thoughts about this a bit more. I can just go and do what I need to survive the night, and then try to forget any possible embarrassing moments afterwards. Even if I have to see relatives I'm not too keen on seeing, I hopefully won't have to see them again any time soon after that and can go back to avoiding them for years again lol.


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

Ask your brother if you can speak with him before the wedding. I know you said you aren't close with him due to age gap. But this is a big mile stone in his life and he likely wants to know whats going on with you. If he doesn't know how bad your anxiety is there are some great resources of information you can link him for social anxiety disorder. If you can; speaking to your parents about it too will likely be helpful. This way you aren't expected to make some speech after the wedding. I would also think that an emergency plan could be made if things "got too much" so to speak. Would the wedding venue have a quiet room you can slip into if things got too much I wonder? Talking to them about these issues now and trying to find room for accommodation would be the best.


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## Strange Infatuation (Sep 21, 2015)

You should definitely go. Maybe you can find a nice, peaceful corner where you can stay at the restaurant, at the church etc that would make you feel less anxious. It's your brother and an unique chance to go to his wedding. Not going to his wedding would be a mistake that you may regret in the future.


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## Socialmisfits (May 14, 2021)

I know how much it sucks to have to attend such things with your parents while other people come with a partner or with their own car. 

But the situation is very clear to me. If you don’t go it will make you feel even worse. The wedding itself can be awful but there is a 50% chance it will be reasonably ok too. So I know what chance I’d take. Don’t listen to what you’re brain says, for us SA people it is mostly wrong.
it is just a necessary unavoidable thing to do, like having to do a presentation in class or at work.

I know because I have been in countless similar situations. In fact I I have the same problem coming up in a few months and I am already looking for excuses not to go. In the end I will go anyway because I know how awful I will feel if I don’t attend. But the build up to that specific day is long and awful and dreadful.

Good luck, you will do ok once you are there and settled


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