# Honorary Therapist



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

My partner has told me, she has confided more in me, of her abusive past, than she has her therapist

I suppose I should feel honoured she has chosen me as her 'therapist'

A professional therapist knows from experience where the middle line between being too detached & emotionally involved

I did apply to be a Samaritan, but my CMHT support worker said I would not be suitable, as having my own emotional issues, I would become too involved, taking the problems callers had confided in me, home at the end of shift

So if someone phoned & told me they were going to commit suicide, I would worry they will do so

I was a listener in prison though. Listeners are Samaritan trained to be there for fellow prisoners. That was emotionally draining enough; so what would it be like being a fully fledged Samaritan?

But anyway, my partner is too intense. I am too emotionally involved. But I can't ignore her. She needs an outlet (me) to open all those Pandora box's lurking in the back of her mind; demons she needs to face; lest she resorts to suicide

That has already happened once before

I awoke to find her unconscious, next to me, with empty pill bottles on her bedside table

I slapped her awake. Drowsily she mumbled to me. I pushed my fingers down her throat, laying her face down, so she could be sick without choking. She was violently sick. I knew this was not enough, though, as she had probably digested most of the drugs

I didn't have time to call an ambulance; plus I am a trained first aider to paramedic level; though I've never actually been a paramedic

So I carried her to the bathroom and held her on her feet under a cold shower

This brought her too & she asked me what was happening

I sat her up in bed & asked her how much she had taken

She said she didn't know

I actually said to her "Think b***h. How much did you swallow?"

She looked at me, showing hurt on her face, that I should talk to her like that

She thought and said it might be six bottles

I spent the rest of the day with her in bed, as she recovered, with me making her drink salt water to make her sick; getting the drugs out of her body

By the evening the worst was over

Most of the following night I gave her the 'third degree'

She did answer my questions as to why she did it (well, most of it, anyway)

I ended up telling her, if she does it again without talking to me, she's on her own

I wouldn't actually dump her, but she doesn't know that


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> My partner has told me, she has confided more in me, of her abusive past, than she has her therapist
> 
> I suppose I should feel honoured she has chosen me as her 'therapist'
> 
> ...


I lost interest in you and your story right there. That's a hell of a way to speak to a woman - especially after they've just tried to kill themselves.

Also quite ironic - considering your signature. Don't you think?

I knew there was a reason why I had you on ignore - I'll put you back on.


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Looking back; as has been said by someone else here on SAS; it was over the top talking to my partner like that

But I suppose it was frustration she would attempt suicide despite my being there for her


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> Looking back; as has been said by someone else here on SAS; it was over the top talking to my partner like that
> 
> But I suppose it was frustration she would attempt suicide despite my being there for her


Yes, I guess it was something like that.

I was in the same situation when I was about 21 or so - a terrible thing to have to deal with. My girlfriend at the time was pregnant so after the people at the hospital had pumped her stomach she had to have an abortion - something she would never have normally agreed to.

My God the things we all go through.

How long do you have to stay in that place they've got you in?


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

My stay is indefinite; only to be discharged on the approval of the Home Secretary (UK Gov)

In reality, of course, it is the consultant who decides discharge and fax's the papers to the Home Secretary to sign

It's to do with being a danger to myself, re self harm

I was sentenced to a Section 37 from the crown court which was at least committed residential 28 days 

I am now Section 37 - 41. The 41 attachment means indefinite residential

Similar to the Moor's murderers Ian Bready & Myra Hyndley

Obviously they were (or at least Ian Brady; Myra Hyndley received a prison sentence life) a danger to the public, whereas I am to myself


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

It originated from a Section 136

Section 136 is a place of safety order

In my case I was stood on top of Hengistbury Head (a cliff in Dorset UK). A woman walking her dog & saw me called the police

Eventually the police negotiator talked me down & took me to a place of safety; a police station

Two doctors & an approved social worker deemed me to be suitable to be sectioned; so here I am


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Twocky61 said:


> My stay is indefinite; only to be discharged on the approval of the Home Secretary (UK Gov)
> 
> In reality, of course, it is the consultant who decides discharge and fax's the papers to the Home Secretary to sign
> 
> ...


 So wait. You're telling us your government has kidnapped you? How long have they had you?


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> It originated from a Section 136
> 
> Section 136 is a place of safety order
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear it - and I hope things pick up for you eventually.

I *was* actually interested in your story - particularly that you'd been to Thailand and the reasons you went there. Did you spend much time up there or just go up for the operation?


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

WillYouStopDave said:


> So wait. You're telling us your government has kidnapped you? How long have they had you?


Only since June 2017 after six months prison remand waiting for a bed.

After a few weeks there, after my 136 episode, they imposed the 41 attachment


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Twocky61 said:


> Only since June 2017 after six months prison remand waiting for a bed.
> 
> After a few weeks there, after my 136 episode, they imposed the 41 attachment
> 
> I took my partner with my to Thailand & after the op, we met a Thai guy, who we chat to on the internet, for dinner


 I'm not sure what you're saying but so wow. Unbelievable this still happens to people in 2028 in the UK. Sounds like some dark ages stuff or something.


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

harrison said:


> I'm sorry to hear it - and I hope things pick up for you eventually.
> 
> I *was* actually interested in your story - particularly that you'd been to Thailand and the reasons you went there. Did you spend much time up there or just go up for the operation?


I took my partner with me for a holiday & whilst there we met a Thai guy we chat to online


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> I took my partner with me for a holiday & whilst there we met a Thai guy we chat to online


I see. Great place Thailand - lots of Brits go there too I hear. Plus the Russians, of course. 

I've only been to Bangkok once but I'll go again. It's a great city. I'd like to go up to Chiang Mai too one day.

I'm pretty sure I saw a program one time about someone having surgery up there - a lot cheaper than here in the West.


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

WillYouStopDave said:


> I'm not sure what you're saying but so wow. Unbelievable this still happens to people in 2028 in the UK. Sounds like some dark ages stuff or something.


It doesn't happen as often it did, around the early 20th century with asylums; especially girls who became pregnant & were kept in homes run by Catholic nuns. The babies were sold to wealthy couples who could not conceive themselves

The nuns believed it was the best thing, as the girls were deemed not suitable to bring up their own children

So nowadays, it happens sometimes Dave; to a point we are still living in the dark ages

Being sedated with the top-ups, as well as the daily doses; I don't really question my situation; being resigned to the fact


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

harrison said:


> I see. Great place Thailand - lots of Brits go there too I hear. Plus the Russians, of course.
> 
> I've only been to Bangkok once but I'll go again. It's a great city. I'd like to go up to Chiang Mai too one day.
> 
> I'm pretty sure I saw a program one time about someone having surgery up there - a lot cheaper than here in the West.


We only stayed in Bangkok

British surgeons (maybe US too) wont even consider physical castration unless the testicles are cancerous


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Yesterday we reached an impasse

I got her to agree, if she is seriously considering suicide again, she talks to me.

Whether or not she can express her feelings into words; I can pretty much understand her thought processes


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

harrison said:


> Yes, I guess it was something like that.
> 
> I was in the same situation when I was about 21 or so - a terrible thing to have to deal with. My girlfriend at the time was pregnant so after the people at the hospital had pumped her stomach she had to have an abortion - something she would never have normally agreed to.
> 
> ...


Has your girlfriend, Harrison, expressed her feelings to you re the result of her suicide attempt?


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> Has your girlfriend, Harrison, expressed her feelings to you re the result of her suicide attempt?


It happened a very long time ago - with one of my old girlfriend's. We were together for about 5 years from when I was 19 to about 24 I think and I was crazy about her. She said she did it because she was afraid I wouldn't marry her - which was untrue. I would have. But we were just kids - plus her mother told mine once that she'd also tried to do it before I met her.

We ended up splitting up and we both went on to other relationships. She actually contacted me ages ago and said she'd been married and had two girls of her own, which is great - so things turned out okay eventually for both of us.


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> Has your girlfriend, Harrison, expressed her feelings to you re the result of her suicide attempt?


But as far as how she felt that she was still alive after the incident - if that's what you mean - no, I don't think we talked about that. I just asked her why she did it and that's what she told me.


----------



## BeautyandRage (Jul 2, 2018)

Twocky61 said:


> Looking back; as has been said by someone else here on SAS; it was over the top talking to my partner like that
> 
> But I suppose it was frustration she would attempt suicide despite my being there for her


I agree with the other commenter, it is ironic to have a signature like that when you spoke to her like that. Her depression isn't about you, so you being there for her doesn't mean anything. Ultimately it's her choice to live or die, all you can do is either leave or continuing being there while being respectful to someone who is clearly struggling. There's lyrics to a song that relate, "sometimes Love is not enough, the road gets tough I don't know why." I thought love would save me, I thought having children would save me, I thought my depression would go away because I've got everything now, but sometimes it's literally just our brain all messed up telling us to feel like **** when we want to feel happy.


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

BeautyandRage said:


> There's lyrics to a song that relate, "sometimes Love is not enough, the road gets tough I don't know why." I thought love would save me, I thought having children would save me, I thought my depression would go away because I've got everything now, but sometimes it's literally just our brain all messed up telling us to feel like **** when we want to feel happy.


I've heard those lyrics before, but forgotten from the song they're from

Didn't occur to me being there for her is not about me. I'm just an outlet for her to express herself


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

harrison said:


> But as far as how she felt that she was still alive after the incident - if that's what you mean - no, I don't think we talked about that. I just asked her why she did it and that's what she told me.


The fact your girlfriend lost a baby, Harrison; as a result of her attempted suicide

That must have been a can of worms, guilt wise for her; especially as she would never have considered an abortion otherwise


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Twocky61 said:


> The fact your girlfriend lost a baby, Harrison; as a result of her attempted suicide
> 
> That must have been a can of worms, guilt wise for her; especially as she would never have considered an abortion otherwise


To be honest I can't remember how we dealt with all that - like I say it was a long time ago. She was a religious girl (in her own way) and her Dad was a pastor in a Church. We had a very, very intense relationship - in a way it's a surprise we didn't end up married really.

But she went on to have two girls later, like I say. So that's good. I'm glad things worked out okay for her eventually.

Is your partner able to come and visit you in the place you're in?


----------



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

My partner visits me daily & some days joins my nurse & myself on the beach; which is a good thing, as when she does, my personal nurse backs off. Probably because my partner has punched her in the face, once already lol

That was when my personal nurse was bursting out of her bikini & my partner caught her hugging me & trying to kiss me

I actually asked my partner if she can do it for me, why couldn't she do it for herself

She said it was different

How is it different?

Her reply?

He was controlling me 

So now she is away from him & with me, I asked her would she like to help me set him up again

She says maybe; depending on my plans

I have already sent her in, pretending she is sorry she left him & wants to make it up with him

As soon as he touched her, she hits the button on her panic alarm in her pocket & I sorted him out

I have told her if he ever contacts her, I want to know about it

Up to now he has remembered what I told him & I guess he is scared to contact her lest he gets the same or worse from me

She knows she can tell me anything; no matter what

Especially that one occasion she didn't tell me she wanted to give up

That is the only time I have raised my voice to her; as mentioned above

After the event, when she had recovered, we had a serious talk together

I told her how does she expect me to be there for her if she keeps her feelings from me?

She says when she is depressed she doesn't know how to express those feelings into words. I told her when that happens she comes to me and hugs me, where I will hug her back, holding her tightly while she tries to express herself to me

She has promised if she feels suicidal she talks to me & tries to express her feelings to me. Even if she is unable to express her feelings into words we can hug & kiss so as to calm her feelings


----------

