# I don't know, I can't talk.



## rachelynn (Sep 12, 2008)

It's hard to talk about stuff in therapy, and I don't know why, it just is...and I don't know if what I would say is correct or if that's what I really think. I've gone twice to my new therapist already, and last time I said a few times that I don't know what to say. She said, to tell her whatever I thought she needs to know. But what is that supposed to be? and what if I say something that she really didn't need to know?? And what if it doesn't have to do with SA? but I kind of think that there's more to me wanting to go to therapy than just that. Infact, I think that SA wouldn't even be a main reason anymore, I just want to go just because...I thought it would be good. But it doesn't seem like it's going to be good...this is my 3rd time trying too. So, I tried to tell her what my life is like in my house. I didn't get far. I said it's crowded. That's all. It's hard to talk when they don't ask me a lot of questions...and all they say is, take your time. Well....then it's just going to be silent a lot then, because I don't know what to say. 

My sis started therapy, for other reasons, and it seems like she's getting somewhere. She can talk and has a clear reason why she wants to go. (she doesn't have social anxiety, she's not even shy) Me...I can't talk. My reasons aren't clear. And well, I think what's the point if I can't do anything anyways. Maybe I'm not that lucky and get stuck with bad therapists. Or maybe it's just because I am bad at talking...

Makes me feel like I have no problem then and no reason to be going if I can't think of why or what I want out of this and because I have nothing to say or I don't know how to say something.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

I have the same problem.
I tried therapy twice and both time didn't go well. The first one did ask me questions, but I would give answers that were under ten words long each time, so I don't think I was really telling him what I should have. I just never know what to say and so I'm quiet.
The last one I had, she was nice, but for some reason, I never felt very open to her and we hardly ever talked about my SA. She'd ask me about home and I'd just say it's crowded and I don't really like being there. Of course, she'd ask why and I would say I didn't really know. I mean, I know somewhat, but feel stupid when I tried to explain it, so I would stop short and then silence. My mom is pushing me to go again and try a new one, but I feel like it'll be the same thing because I just can't talk to people and I feel uncomfortable doing so, really.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Maybe you should ask her to specify what she wants to hear and she should give open-ended questions so you can get somewhere. You're there for you, so make sure you're getting more out of the experience. But I can relate. I had a bad experience with a therapist. I didn't know what to say. For some reason I knew what not to say. She would comment about how my dad died and I knew she was looking for a sign of emotion so I answered indifferently. Of course this makes for no progress if I'm trying to decide how to fool her. Sure it hurts not to have a father, but it's been so long that it's just another drop in the bucket. It's not my main concern and I tried to tell her what was. Eventually she told my mom I'm "hiding something". Other people tell me that too, like I'm some mysterious being. I know what I'm hiding - how deeply my depression and anxiety hurt. No one would or will take me seriously. I guess the secret is being clear about what's truly bothering you and what progress you'd like to see.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

yep, yep, yep. Therapists are a little behind when it comes to helping people who don't want to talk. They don't really know how to help, and in worse cases, will assume you have things you don't have like depression or whatever. Your therapist is probably trying his or her best to get you comfortable enough to talk but sometimes they just aren't able to do it. 

I've finally realized that individual therapy does **** for me because I don't want to talk. So I make sure to bring one or both of my parents. They get a hell of a lot more out of therapy than I do. The benefit I get is the more they understand, the more they can help me.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Kev, I've tried bringing my mom in and she just sits in silence or says things she thinks I do, which most of the time are things I don't do, and she kind of thinks it's a joke. It's like, if you had a problem, they or you would be able to fix it and we wouldn't be here now.
My mom came with me to my last little therapy session and told the therapist that I'm planning to cut my wrists because I'm emo. Both are so far from the truth. I don't plan on doing that, nor am I emo, so now the therapist thinks I'm 'acting'. She doesn't say so, but I feel that she does. I foresee that I'll be looking for a new one soon.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

IcedSoul... yeah, that really sucks. At least she goes. Some parents won't even do that. I think a lot of it has to do with denial. Does your therapist stick up for you? That's the good thing about therapy, my parents get to say all the crap they've been thinking but too scared to say to me, and there's a moderator there.

You're therapist might not think you're acting. I would directly ask. Otherwise she probably will not say one way or the other. Therapists are like that, sometimes I feel like they have their own secret agenda. I mean, it's kind of true, depending on your "disorder" they will treat you differently, I've read all about this stuff. I try not to think about it, but maybe you should just ask. The more that's out in the open, the better.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Kev, yeah, that's true. I'm surprised she came to the last one, actually. I went in by myself and then a few minutes later she came in. I do think my mom is in denial because she blames herself for what's wrong with me and it's sort of like if she admits something is wrong, then that means she messed up somewhere. My therapist does stick up for me sometimes, but usually she just stays silent and let's us interact. If my mom says something negative or that my therapist knows is wrong, she'll say something like, 'Well, she doesn't come off that way to me. Are you sure she does that?', or something along those lines.

I should ask because it does bother me wondering if she thinks it or not. I wonder about what my therapist thinks because I don't usually ask, we just talk about random things with a little talk of my problems mixed in and how they affect my daily life. I believe she is trying to make me feel more comfortable, so she talks about things other than what I'm supposed to be there for. Yeah, I believe I need to open up more, but for me, it's so hard. I'm used to not telling people anything about myself, it's how I was raised, not to talk about myself and the family to 'strangers', but I realize it would be more beneficial.


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## jijiji (Feb 5, 2011)

kev said:


> Therapists are like that, sometimes I feel like they have their own secret agenda. I mean, it's kind of true, depending on your "disorder" they will treat you differently


yea, this f ucking pisses me off. SO MUCH. you know? i mean, it's someone you're supposed to be able to trust, but i can never shake the feeling that they are being fake with me. and they are, and that is what i HATE the most. friggin catch 22 (therapists are paid to be your friends). i don't understand why people insist on being fake even though it's more work for them and it's more enjoyable to freely be yourself, or at least not adhere so strictly to rules and protocol


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## caithiggs (Jan 11, 2009)

rachelynn said:


> It's hard to talk about stuff in therapy, and I don't know why, it just is...and I don't know if what I would say is correct or if that's what I really think. I've gone twice to my new therapist already, and last time I said a few times that I don't know what to say. She said, to tell her whatever I thought she needs to know. But what is that supposed to be? and what if I say something that she really didn't need to know?? And what if it doesn't have to do with SA? but I kind of think that there's more to me wanting to go to therapy than just that. Infact, I think that SA wouldn't even be a main reason anymore, I just want to go just because...I thought it would be good. But it doesn't seem like it's going to be good...this is my 3rd time trying too. So, I tried to tell her what my life is like in my house. I didn't get far. I said it's crowded. That's all. It's hard to talk when they don't ask me a lot of questions...and all they say is, take your time. Well....then it's just going to be silent a lot then, because I don't know what to say.
> 
> My sis started therapy, for other reasons, and it seems like she's getting somewhere. She can talk and has a clear reason why she wants to go. (she doesn't have social anxiety, she's not even shy) Me...I can't talk. My reasons aren't clear. And well, I think what's the point if I can't do anything anyways. Maybe I'm not that lucky and get stuck with bad therapists. Or maybe it's just because I am bad at talking...
> 
> Makes me feel like I have no problem then and no reason to be going if I can't think of why or what I want out of this and because I have nothing to say or I don't know how to say something.


Well you are probably spending a lot of money, so you should tell your therapist that because you are not familiar with how a therapy session can go to get the most out of it, you would like her to take the lead a little more and maybe ask more questions. You are unsure about what specific types of things she's looking for, and you are probably very concerned with what she's looking for! considering you have SA. Well, I would just give her a note that says exactly what you said here! That way she will get a sense of actually what you expect (which is that you are not sure what you are meant to say in order to push the sessions along). I feel I would be the exact same way as you in a therapy session though. That's why I don't go. I don't feel like the therapist would have anything relevant to say to me...

I have great therapy sessions inside my own head, which I would LOVE to share with a professional, but of course a professional wouldn't be nearly as in tune with me as my imaginary one. Up close with people I don't share those really in depth thoughts I have in my head. It's like they are not even a part of the outter world. My inner world is filled with communication and insights, but what I can't get out in the open verbally is like one word answers and nothing more...


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Everything you say is confidential anyway - that could be the main issue. Opening up is hard enough, but to have the extra fear.....

I would discuss it with your doctor. You need to get where you are comfortable or there won't be any progress.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I think that to go to counselling there has to be some purpose for going there. What would you like to change in your life? What is your goal for going there? If you don't have a reason for going there then what is the counsellor trying to help you improve in your life. What problem are you trying to find solutions to? 

Therapists are taught to just let the other person talk. 
Maybe eventually you will find the route cause of why you are going there. 
I think the next time before you go to therapy you should try to think of the purpose that you want to go there for.

Have you and the counsellor set goals yet?


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## jangle1 (Jan 11, 2011)

It could be your therapist simply does not know what to do either. The therapist should have an active role in the therapy, and I would advise you to seek another therapist, one is who is more proactive and confident in delivering treatment.

Don't try to conform to a failed therapist's therapy model. You're paying the money. Make sure the model works for you.


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