# What Is My Therapist Actually Doing?



## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

So, I've been seeing a therapist for about three weeks now. He has a PhD and has been working for a few years now. He seems like a very good therapist, nothing at all like I'd expected considering this is free counseling from my university. Intelligent guy, seems very sensitive to what I'm saying, likes to use metaphors which is nice.

Thing is... I'm not exactly sure what the point of therapy is. I go into the session, talk about my fears and depressions... and all he seems to do is either repeat what I just said in different words or ask me "How does that make you feel?" or "Could you elaborate on that?" Now, I'm prone to a lot of self-reflection; I've kept a journal for years now and spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I already feel like I know my thoughts and emotions well enough. I just cannot seem to get beyond them. I can't find any ways to make my life better. When I voiced this concern with him, he just asked me how that makes me feel again, lol.

I can understand how this sort of therapy might be useful for some people, but... I'm not sure how this will actually help _me_? It's nice to have a caring person to talk to, but I find myself wishing for some more concrete advice. But then I read online that therapists aren't allowed to give advice? I think that's the approach he's taking. WTF? What is the point of therapy if the therapist won't give you tools or ideas to play around with instead of meandering around in lost confusion? What exactly am I supposed to _do_ with this?


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

It could be he is still getting to know you and how you react to things, how your mind works, how emotional you are, etc. But if it continues on like that, and you are like "What are we doing?" you could ask him and then see what happens.

I read that article--interesting.


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## Shredder (Apr 19, 2011)

Like Pam said he may be sussing out what makes you tick. He should start to give you some ideas on how to cope better with situations that are causing you difficulty. Different therapists use different methods. I don't think there are any quick fixes in therapy (as least not in my experience).


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## Michael127 (Dec 10, 2011)

It sounds like he is feeling you out like the other posters mentioned. Counsellours generally open up and trust just as much as you are willing. If you are not really opening up, then he might hold back until you are ready to.

In my therapy, I try to open up and talk about social situations. Sometimes we talk about emotions and underlining issues. But, I usually like to talk about interactions and such to get at the issues more indirectly. It is hard, for me at least, just to jump in to emotions, vulnerabilities etc. full force. This is why therapy is such hard work.

Don't give up, go at your own pace and talk about you feel comfortable with. Try to take risks occasionally too.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I think you should ask him. Some of them use this method exclusively. I found this at university where they only provided general counselling and not disorder-specific or evidence-based therapy.


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

I understand what you're saying. 

I'm going for a second appointment tomorrow. I understand what areas I need worked on. After the first session, during which I spoke about my background, family, issues etc., I reflected upon what the real issues were, I now believe I get what they are. That said, I sent an email to the therapist, and asked her point black if she felt she was qualified to provide some insight and recommendations for coping with two particular issues I'm facing. 

I wasn't even willing to provide more context for one additional meeting. I need to take action, and If there are not recommendations for change and coping, I'll find someone else. 

So I know where your coming from. 

She did surprise me with her response, and indicates she does have experience in these areas and would like to try to identify coping mechanisms and make recommendations to help. 

So, I set another appointment for tomorrow. 

Good luck to you, but I don't personally recommend putting up with what you're currently putting up with. That does not come from experience, just lack of patience. 

Seeker


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## wxolue (Nov 26, 2008)

I assume three weeks means three meetings. Usually the first few meetings are for the therapist to get to know you. I would at least give it 3 more weeks before you give up. With that said, it may be that his general approach is talk therapy, which is pretty much what you outlined. Some people like it, some people don't. Luckily, there are other more active forms of therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most popular and most successful form of therapy for SAD and a host of other mental disorders. I would be shocked if your therapist didn't at least know what this was.

My advice? Give it two more weeks, and then ask him about his general plan of action. Ask him what type of therapy he wants to use, and what his goals are. Let him know that you're looking for something active and focused. His goal is to help you, not to just blindly use his favorite therapy. If he doesn't have experience in CBT, he'll probably link you to another therapist. Be vocal with your therapist. He won't be offended if you tell him you don't want to just talk every week.


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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

Thanks so much everytone! I guess you're right in that he may be trying to get a handle on what I'm dealing with. I'm going to give it a week or two more, and see if he changes his approach.

This is a really painful period for me, and I'm dealing with a lot of darkness -- lots of shame, regret, and (most of all) fear and uncertainty about my future that's really killing me. I feel like I am running out of time. I'm 25, jobless, and my plans for what I was going to do (attend grad school) feel through, and so now I have to deal with the shame and disappointment of my parents in addition to being paralyzed by SAD. 

I'm afraid of opening up and revealing all of what I'm feeling, if I'm not going to receive anything back. I don't want to be talking into thin air and hear only my own voice. I feel scared and isolated, so I really hope this guy starts taking a more active approach. I may need to switch to a therapist who does CBT, as I hear it's much more focused on solutions.


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

In retrospect, you do need to have patience. Everyone is human. I understand how I feel, and how others perhaps feel, because of high levels of anxiety. Of course we want to see gains made, it makes sense. 

I think the person I am working with will work out. She has a strong personality, and some relevant experience, and she has good insight. 

Sometimes my emails are a little abrupt, as was the one I sent to her a few days ago. It's about the intensity of what we are feeling. Next time I email, I'll give her more context to explain my question, so that she understands that my concerns steps from my own need for change, because anxiety itself can be so intolerable. 

I would not be afraid to ask questions about approach, and try to get your therapist to focus on the key issues and talk about coping mechanisms. Nothing wrong with leading the conversation. 

wishing you the best, 

Seeker


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## Starlightx (Mar 24, 2012)

What?! Therapist's aren't allowed to give advice?...I find that strange since mine gives me advice all the time and I thought that was one of the main purposes of therapy.. 
Anyway, your therpapist sounds like he might just be a bit inexperienced (or something) and therefore asks questions like "And how does that make you feel" because he is unsure how to give advice or of what else to say. In any case, I think the best way to handle it is to ask him directly in a kind manner and see what he has to say.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

Thanks guys. This is really helpful.

HopeSeeker, you are probably right in that I might be a bit impatient and expecting too much from the therapist based on what I've told him so far.

I just found out that my therapist has only received his PhD about two years ago. So, StarlightX, you might have a point about him being inexperienced. That does make me a little concerned. At least I'd rather he be a bit tentative and hold back, as opposed to doing more harm than good and be outright abusive or make dangerous suggestions. I've heard stories about really terrible therapists, but this guy doesn't seem to be that bad. At least I feel like he's responsive to what I say -- he makes metaphors based on music (I said I always wanted to be a musician) and suggests I look back into things that have helped me in the past.

joinmartin, what you describe about dissociation is exactly what has gone on for me the last month. I feel like my emotions are too scary and so don't feel safe enough to feel that. Recently, I'd been doing some journaling (after this therapist suggested it) and it brought up a lot of stuff, and so I'm really feeling the weight of my loneliness and fear. I really hope this guy can give me some help me with what's coming up because otherwise I've just uncovered a landmine and will be overwhelmed.

I guess the thing to do now is take a more active role in asking to get feedback and more concrete suggestions. I have to admit, though, that I'm terrified my problems will be too much for him to handle. I really have a lot of deeply conditioned fear of abandonment and sense of unworthiness that feel really big and overwhelming right now.


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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

Also, I'm not sure if it matters, but this guy has a PhD in Counseling Psychology, rather than Clinical Psychology. Does that mean he's possibly less knowledgeable about how to treat anxiety disorders and depression, or that he isn't experienced with people with really debilitating mental illness? 

I'm not sure if I can afford outside therapy at this point. Ideally, I would be able to get in-depth therapy with a private practitioner, but I guess I'll have to make do with what it available to me.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

Deleted


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## Venompoo (Jun 16, 2010)

Oh yeah lol that is a councillor lol there not allowed to give advice much ... 

U either need to see a physiologist or a psychotherapist or do CBT they give advice on life it helps ...

I wouldn't have gone to university if it were not for CBT


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## Reluctant Shaman (Mar 23, 2012)

You Say: * "I feel like my emotions are too scary and so don't feel safe enough to feel that".*

You seem to like your therapist, that is good, it is half the battle won.
You got some good points passed on in the post by joinmartin. which you can ponder on. I would like to add to what was said.

I am a therapist also, and you seem to know what it is you want, which is very good. You have been congruent (truthful) enough to express that need, which is very strong of you. However, I could not help wondering if your therapist has sussed that you are afraid of your emotions, and that you prefer to work from the "head" a lot. There is nothing wrong with that, but perhaps he can see that you need to balance "emotional space with head space" in order to go deeper into the process, for further awareness.

It sounds as if he is using Person Centred Therapy (Rogerian school of thought). You are right, part of the process is to paraphrase what the client has said, but it is more complicated than just repeating back the last thing the client said. When in the hands of a competent therapist, this approach allows your therapist to create a climate for you that is conductive to self-exploration, and to have the opportunity to experience and explore the full range of your emotions (by addressing feelings rather than simply going through a process of intellectual analysis).

Person Centered Therapy is a very respectful way of working, but don't be fooled by its simple approach, simple does not necessarily mean easy. It is based on the idea that nobody knows your story better than you, that you are the expert of your journey, but together you and your therapist can go into uncharted waters together, as equals. You, as the Captain of your journey sets the agenda (what you talk about, at your pace etc), and the therapist as facilitator follows your lead, navigating you through the troubled waters with empathy, acceptance, and genuineness. A novice entering these waters alone is likely to drown in the sea of emotion, but together you and your navigating therapist are both able to swim.

The chances are that he has other ways of working, but right now he thinks this is the best approach for bringing you down from your head, into your heart and your emotions.......... where you can go to the core of your wounds without all the unconscious wonderful defense mechanisms being driven by the head (dissociation, intellectualizing, rationalization, repression etc) .

It would be great if you could trust him for another few sessions, surrender your control, enter as fully as you can into the process, and continue to do the homework exercises,....... then you will be in a position to see if the process is taking you where you have never quite gone before (emotionally). Our emotions are wonderful teachers, they reveal that which was once hidden from awareness. Without awareness we cannot change anything. If after a few weeks you do not think this is working for you, then you can discuss this with him......that is aloud, remember, it is your agenda.


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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

joinmartin said:


> To explain exactly what might interfere with the therapy process you're undergoing and I have no right to do that. But there is something you have written in this paragraph which makes me think that, though inexperienced, your therapist is following their training well. I can't know for that sure. It's just a hunch.
> 
> If it helps, inexperienced therapists are often watched very closely by their colleagues. I have my mentors, my supervisor and the regulatory organisations I belong to to report to on an ongoing basis. I am constantly expected to provide details of my continued development and learning as a therapist and to demonstrate and evaluate my work with clients. Of course not all therapists are the same and this is just my experience but it is unlikely that a new or inexperienced therapist would not be overseen in similar ways.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, joinmartin. This really does help ease my fears a lot to know that he does seem to be doing alright and that there are supervisors in the picture. Also, what you wrote about being trained to help release people from the weight of fear and loneliness is encouraging. That was what I was most afraid of: not getting a lifeline out of this darkness. And, even if that happens, what you wrote later about having the option of asking him directly if he would be able to deal with this helps. Thank you again. I'm going to give this guy a chance for a week or two, because he really does seem like he knows, at the very least, how to make me feel comfortable and listened to.



whoishe said:


> Oh yeah lol that is a councillor lol there not allowed to give advice much ...
> 
> U either need to see a physiologist or a psychotherapist or do CBT they give advice on life it helps ...
> 
> I wouldn't have gone to university if it were not for CBT


Yeah, ideally, I'd get a private practice psychologist who does CBT (or some related therapy like MBCT, ACT, Schema Therapy, etc.). I just can't afford it right now. I've tried CBT from a book before (Burns' "Feeling Good") though, and it was helpful, but I really need the human contact aspect of therapy right now. I've read so many books, but haven't been able to break the spell.


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## kpx0 (Mar 12, 2012)

Psychologist follow the general principle that the should not try altering the patients personality, only help the patient change what the patient wants to change. 
If you have not been specific about what you want him to help you with, it may be a little difficult for him to find out what he should talk to you about, as he will try to avoid putting the words in your mouth. What he could be doing is trying to figure out what you actually want him to help you with.


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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

Reluctant Shaman said:


> You Say: * "I feel like my emotions are too scary and so don't feel safe enough to feel that".*
> 
> You seem to like your therapist, that is good, it is half the battle won.
> You got some good points passed on in the post by joinmartin. which you can ponder on. I would like to add to what was said.
> ...


Thanks so much for this response, Reluctant Shaman. It does help a lot in understand what he might be doing. The person-centered therapy approach does seem to be what he is doing, actually. If this is the case, it sounds like a good approach and probably will be of benefit. This therapist does seem to have respect for my own inner resources, even if I don't quite have much faith in myself at this moment. As kpx0 mentioned, the best thing is probably for the therapist to allow the patient to be his own healer. I can see the great value in that mindset, though I still cannot help be feel there might be something "missing" within me that would grant me the resilience to get over this hump.

That said, I'm going to take your advice and just take part as fully as possible. I trust myself to know if something's going wrong, so I have little to lose.


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