# Tired of Therapy



## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

I had spent three years in therapy with two different therapists. The first two years I had seen him once a week. I was having a really hard time in those years. Really bad depression and mood swings (which I believe was mainly due to bad medication reactions), my social anxiety was fluctuating in extremes, and I have severe derealization disorder that I've had for 10 years. I found therapy to be almost utterly useless.

All I did was vent and wallow self-pity, that seems to be all the therapists were capable of handling. I didn't feel as though therapy actually provided any actual help, though I failed to see it, I thought venting was the purpose of therapy, and that it would magically make me better, since everyone pushes therapy on you when you have bad mental health. The only thing that was helpful was knowing I could voice my thoughts to someone and not keep bottled up.

Eventually though, I started feeling like therapy was making me _worse_. Constantly focusing on my issues seemed to be just making it all worse. I was never focusing on anything else. I was literally obsessed with my mental health for 3 years, constantly talking about it. And my mood got worse and worse and I got more unstable. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore, and quit halfway through 2012. Once I stopped therapy.. oh my god, my depression got _so_ much better, and I don't consider myself depressed anymore. I actually feel really good.

I still have severe social phobia, and severe derealization, and I can't function (meaning, can't get a job and have bad effects from the derealization, like memory and focus problems, along with other symptoms) But I simply don't see the point in trying therapy again. I actually really, really don't want to. It doesn't help, it makes me worse. No one has been able to crack my social phobia. And the type of derealization that I have is super-dead resistant to therapy or medication, so going to therapy for that is out of the picture entirely (research on my condition says so, and I've had professionals tell me I'm too severe and they can't help me).

I know that my parents will be wanting me to try therapy again. And since I'm pursuing SSI, I'm not sure if maybe they will require me to go therapy. But honestly, I'm so fcking sick of it. It's a waste of time and money, and from my experience, therapy simply _isn't for me_. But people keep pushing it as though therapy is a magical cure for everything. My depression immediately got better when I stopped, that's a huge clue that perhaps therapy is detrimental to me rather than good. And drudging up negative experiences over and over is not what I call good therapy.

I'm sure this is more than a rant than anything, but honestly, I don't know what to do. I know I'll be pressured into trying again, but I just.. instinctively know that therapy isn't the best route for me. Perhaps trying to come up with my own ways of challenging my SA, and my own ways of trying to help my DR is better for me. (Especially since I believe the best course for my DR is to push the boundaries of my senses, and not sitting just talking about it, since we don't know what brought it on, talking about it does nothing, I've had it for 10 years for god's sake, I think we can cross "talking about it" off the list).

Does anyone else ever feel tired of therapy, and feel that it really just isn't for them? Isn't the best route for trying to overcome your issues? Anyone been made worse by it? It seems like whenever you have some issue, they just immediately jump to throwing medications and therapy at you, like that's the only way you'll get cured.


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

Monroee said:


> I had spent three years in therapy with two different therapists. The first two years I had seen him once a week. I was having a really hard time in those years. Really bad depression and mood swings (which I believe was mainly due to bad medication reactions), my social anxiety was fluctuating in extremes, and I have severe derealization disorder that I've had for 10 years. I found therapy to be almost utterly useless.
> 
> All I did was vent and wallow self-pity, that seems to be all the therapists were capable of handling. I didn't feel as though therapy actually provided any actual help, though I failed to see it, I thought venting was the purpose of therapy, and that it would magically make me better, since everyone pushes therapy on you when you have bad mental health. The only thing that was helpful was knowing I could voice my thoughts to someone and not keep bottled up.
> 
> ...


Is the person you are seeing specializes in treating dissociative disorders? I get bored of therapy fast. It's the reason why the therapist I saw the longest was for 1 year. Then I quit. I could have quit before but I wanted to complete the 1 year. She didn't specialize in anything specific. I don't want to get treatment for my dissociative disorder at this point. The one I'm seeing now is better because she does specialize in other problems I have.

Btw,which books on dissociative disorder did you read? Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder is good, almost finished it but haven't read it in a long time. Stranger in the Mirror is also good. The one I don't like is Feeling Unreal. Do you see everything dreamlike? I have this 24/7. What's the name of the test you took to be diagnosed with dissociative disorder? Can I add you on FB?


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

> Is the person you are seeing specializes in treating dissociative disorders?


No, I can't find any therapist or doctor who specializes in it. I only see the specialization when therapists list the whole freaking DSM as their speciality, which to me doesn't mean they specialize in it.



MobiusX said:


> I don't want to get treatment for my dissociative disorder at this point.


Can I ask why you don't want treatment for it?



> Btw,which books on dissociative disorder did you read? Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder is good, almost finished it but haven't read it in a long time. Stranger in the Mirror is also good. The one I don't like is Feeling Unreal.


I've only read through Feeling Unreal. Why didn't you like it? I've looked through the other two in the bookstore before but found I either didn't relate fully to it (I experience much more derealization than DP), and I just didn't find them helpful. Was awhile ago, so I forget what they said.



> Do you see everything dreamlike? I have this 24/7.


I have it 24/7 as well, for years with no reprieve from it. It's my main disorder. It would take a lot of explanation to explain what I experience. But yes, dream-like for sure. I have a lot of sensory problems from the DR. My vision is really 2D, flat, fuzzy, and I'm very far away from reality. Can't drive because of the lack of dimension. My sense of touch is blunted. I live in the back of my head and can't connect to reality at all. I can't concentrate or remember things. And walking around makes me dizzy and overwhelmed... Well, I don't want to explain it on the forum here too much but can in private.



> What's the name of the test you took to be diagnosed with dissociative disorder? Can I add you on FB?


I haven't taken any test from a therapist. My therapists and doctors have ignored it. They wrote it off as a side effect of anxiety, despite me saying it's my primary disorder. So I was never given a test. They didn't understand it, so they ignored it and underestimated it. My most recent psychiatrist finally listened, but when I asked for an official diagnosis from him, he said "and why would you want that?". So... I don't think I ever got an official diagnosis, but after 10 years, I'm sure I have DPD, I only want a diagnosis to finally get recognized, and also for documented proof for SSI.

I don't have a FB. No friends. :| I do have skype though, if you want to IM.


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## Daveyboy (Jan 13, 2013)

I went many years ago for about 6 months....
Same thing once a week, I found the pressure of having to go unnerving..
It felt like I was just there the day before... I switched it to once every 2 weeks, the therapist wasn't sure about it but I just told her it interferes with my work too much..

Eventually I stopped.. and yes I felt better....
I think some people "need" it more, and some can't "handle the pressure" of going ...
Just my opinion I am not condoning not going..it just wasn't for me..


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

Monroee said:


> No, I can't find any therapist or doctor who specializes in it. I only see the specialization when therapists list the whole freaking DSM as their speciality, which to me doesn't mean they specialize in it.
> 
> Can I ask why you don't want treatment for it?
> 
> ...


It's so unreal to me this experience that it's hard for me to believe that the child abuse really did cause this. It's a 50/50 chance I might have it even though this disorder is the only thing I've found that explains my experiences perfectly. It's been so long I've experienced reality that the only true way to find out if I have it is to no longer have it so I can see the difference of how everything looks. I'm scared to experience reality. I was told by the person who diagnosed me that my feelings, emotions, will be more intense, whether they are positive or negative. She explained this means my symptoms of SA will get worse. I'm scared to find out the truth about my disorder. I'm scared of reality. I'm scared of my SA getting worse. I have derealization 24/7. DR is worse than DP. DP is just a feeling even though it's a strong uncomfortable one.

Feeling Unreal started out good in the first few chapters. Then it got too technical for me. A lot of what they talked about wasn't enough information. It's something you have to search on your own. The other books are easier to understand. Yes, it's good for derealization probably more than the other books. Stranger in the Mirror wasn't bad. It helped me understand dissociative disorders in general. It emphasized more on DID which I didn't mind reading about.

You should get an official diagnose from someone who specializes in this disorder. The therapist who asked you why you want an official diagnose means he doesn't specialize it. He probably didn't want you seeing someone else. I didn't get the standard testing that is used for dissociative disorders because it would cost way too much, more than $600. It would take several sessions and a lot of hours. Instead, I ended up getting a shorter test which is used for the purpose of diagnosing those with dissociative disorder. The test itself wasn't a written test. It was a diagnostic test where she just asked me questions and I answered. The good thing about it is that I was able to audio record her explanation of after the test was done. You have DP and DR like me. This psychologist explained to me that I don't have Depersonalization disorder. I have dissociative disorder not otherwise specified since I have more than DP, I have DR also. This was her explanation. She even mentioned she was trained for years to diagnose people and even mentioned the name of the guy who trained her but I forgot the name. I would have to look it up later.

What is your Skype name so I can add you?


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Daveyboy said:


> I went many years ago for about 6 months....
> Same thing once a week, I found the pressure of having to go unnerving..
> It felt like I was just there the day before... I switched it to once every 2 weeks, the therapist wasn't sure about it but I just told her it interferes with my work too much..
> 
> ...


For me it wasn't so much the pressure of going, but more so that the actual act of therapy just.. didn't help. The reason I stayed so long was because everyone kept telling me that it takes awhile for it to help, and that it was normal to feel bad at first, but then I'd get better. It just ended up of being 3 years of getting worse and worse, so I knew it wasn't going to help.

I'm not condoning not going either. I know it helps many people. I just get a peeved when people push it on everyone who experiences problems, like it's the best solution to everyone. I just don't think it's good for everyone. Talking about your issues constantly sometimes isn't the answer. Once I stopped going, I found my own ways to combat my depression, personal techniques and self-reflection, and I got better quickly. I hope my posts don't discourage anyone from trying therapy though. I just feel angry that I'll probably be pressured into trying it again, because whenever someone asks I simply say I'm "taking a break" from the therapy. When in reality, I honestly just feel done with it. I tried it, experienced it, gave it an honest shot, and okay, not for me.



MobiusX said:


> It's so unreal to me this experience that it's hard for me to believe that the child abuse really did cause this.


I experienced child abuse as well. Though I also can't really believe that it caused this.. My abuse wasn't what I would consider severe. I actually believe that my DR started when my social anxiety was at it's worse. I think my severe SA and selective mutism was probably the "trauma trigger" for it. But what makes me so frustrated now, is that my SA is much better than it was before. (I'm still bad with it, but it's _nowhere_ near as bad as it was in the beginning), I'm not depressed anymore, I'm not experiencing any negative experiences... but my DR is getting worse. That seems to go against everything the research says, right? It's supposed to get better when there is less trauma, but in my case, it's like my DR turned into a chronic disease that is worsening, totally out of my control. I feel trapped, like my own brain is keeping me hostage and I have no control over it.

I


> t's a 50/50 chance I might have it even though this disorder is the only thing I've found that explains my experiences perfectly. It's been so long I've experienced reality that the only true way to find out if I have it is to no longer have it so I can see the difference of how everything looks. I'm scared to experience reality. I was told by the person who diagnosed me that my feelings, emotions, will be more intense, whether they are positive or negative. She explained this means my symptoms of SA will get worse. I'm scared to find out the truth about my disorder. I'm scared of reality. I'm scared of my SA getting worse.


I distinctly have memories of what it felt like to be "normal", so I believe I would be able to tell the difference if I shifted back to reality. Xanax helps me slightly with the dimensional component (_very_ slight improvement, but enough for me to notice), so I know what I _should_ be seeing and feeling, though granted, I completely forget what it feels like to be completely in reality again. It's been too long. And yes, I'm scared that if I get "switched" back to reality, it will be a huge shock for me. I can't even imagine it. :|My emotions are super blunted now, so my SA would probably get worse too, I'd probably become completely overwhelmed by both feelings emotions again, and also feeling reality/my environment again. I feel like, if I come out again, I might just get traumatized all over again simply from shock. I just wish there was some way to slowly get me out of this, but nothing works.



> I have derealization 24/7. DR is worse than DP. DP is just a feeling even though it's a strong uncomfortable one.


I definitely think DR is worse, too. Not that I want to invalidate anyone who has bad DP, but DR just... it really messes your life up. Nothing is real. Nothing looks real, feels real.. you're completely disconnected from the world, from life. Every day I can't help but think, "am I really in a coma? Is this just one really long dream?" Because none of it even looks real. It's too fuzzy, too far away, too dull, too 2D, I feel like my mind is between 20 panes of glass from the world, my sense of touch is so blunted... I feel like I'm in a prison of my own mind.



> Feeling Unreal started out good in the first few chapters. Then it got too technical for me. A lot of what they talked about wasn't enough information. It's something you have to search on your own. The other books are easier to understand. Yes, it's good for derealization probably more than the other books. Stranger in the Mirror wasn't bad. It helped me understand dissociative disorders in general. It emphasized more on DID which I didn't mind reading about.


Yeah, the first few chapters were better, where it discussed the experiences that people had, then it drifted off into different areas. I've tried to research on this on my own, but there isn't much out there. Definitely have not read of any cure. Out of all the disorders that we could have developed due to trauma, why do we get _this_ one? The one that is the least researched and least understood. It really makes me feel desperate.



> You should get an official diagnose from someone who specializes in this disorder. The therapist who asked you why you want an official diagnose means he doesn't specialize it. He probably didn't want you seeing someone else.


Yeah, I know he probably doesn't want me seeing anyone else. He told me that a diagnosis wouldn't do much for me (even though it would when I apply for disability, idiot..), and he just told me straight-up that there is no cure for it and I might have it forever. What a dick. But yeah, he didn't specialize in it at all, so I don't take what he says with any weight. Problem is I can't find any specialists. Where I live it's hard for me to even a psychiatrist at all, let alone one who knows dissociative disorders.



> This psychologist explained to me that I don't have Depersonalization disorder. I have dissociative disorder not otherwise specified since I have more than DP, I have DR also.


It's odd to me that they have DPD, but they don't have a Derealization Disorder as well. Is it because severe DR is more rare than severe DP? I usually just say I have a dissociative disorder with a lot of sensory deprivation. I usually say DPD to doctors at first, so they know what kind of dissociation I'm talking about, but then carry on to explain DR. Do you get any physical symptoms from it? For example, I have trouble walking around in public places. I get overwhelmed because of my 2D vision, it makes me dizzy and off-balance, and oftentimes, I have to leave quickly because I start feeling light-headed and like I will faint. It's really scary.

[/quote]What is your Skype name so I can add you?[/QUOTE]

I will PM it to you, I don't want it on the open forum, lol.

Oh god, I didn't think my thread here would become a DR discussion, lol, I didn't foresee someone else with it to reply. I haven't really come across someone that has severe DR like I do.


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