# can't get past "small talk"/saying really stupid things



## catbug (Aug 26, 2013)

I feel like I'm missing the part of myself that has my own unique thoughts and interests to share with anyone else. Instead that part is fogged with me freaking out over the fact that I'm in a conversation and have to come up with something to say. 

I want to be able to carry on a conversation normally and say intelligent things based on what the other person is saying, but instead I end up saying things that literally don't make sense sometimes, leaving people confused?? Even if I don't feel anxious on the surface I do this. I just blurt out whatever comes to my head, usually not being any valuable addition to the conversation, and then wonder why I said it. 

it's little things for example today I was talking about walking up the steps and getting tired out with my new roommate and said "I used to have to walk up five flights of steps without getting tired out, but I'm tired walking up just one flight, I guess these stairs just don't like me" Don't like me?? Stairs are inanimate objects?? immediately after I say these things I wonder why I do.

I want to have normal conversations SO BADLY that I try to hard and fail.

I feel like I can't make friends because I get so tongue tied and nervous. I just started my second year of college, and last year I got by because I had a roommate who was a little weird and we did nothing past small talk, but I really want to connect with someone and have friends here. My new roommate is nice but I'm literally anxious all the time around her thinking I have to keep the conversation between us going to prevent awkwardness, but I just usually end up saying more awkward tongue tied things.

I always feel like I want and need to fit the role of an outgoing and funny person, or at least someone who can carry on a conversation normally and express herself. But I don't feel like I have a personality to attach that model to because I'm always so anxious about being perceived as normal and saying the right thing. I want to let down my guard and just speak freely and make friends, but sometimes I think I just can't.


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## JustinN (Sep 18, 2013)

I can totally relate to everything you're saying on here. Every time I say basically anything to anyone (outside of most of my immediate family) I immediately think to myself "that sounded stupid." Even when saying "Hi" or "Bye" to people, I feel anxious, and like I'm not saying it the way I want to. for example, If someone is leaving and they say bye, I get all nervous and say, "Oh,uh,bye" all quietly instead of just being myself and saying, "Ok, see ya, man!". I haven't really figured out how to get much better at opening up around people yet, but I thought it might make you feel better to know that someone else struggles with the same sort of thing. I know it made me feel a bit better when I saw your post on here. I don't know if you've talked to any psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist but I've seen a lot of people recommend it for people with SA. Anyways, don't give up. Keep trying, and maybe go see a therapist. That's what I'm going to try.

-Justin


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## Hanalila (Jun 30, 2012)

I have this problem too. I'll promise myself (or atleast I used to promise) that I wouldn't isolate myself and I'd atleast say hi and stuff to people. And try small talk. But hi and bye seem to be the only things I know how to say.... I know that somewhere in my brain are all these magical conversations - it's just that I'm so scared of talking to someone that I can't think of anything - my mind is blank.

So I try to say *something* beyond hello...and end up mumbling some strange, awkward things and leaving the person confused. And then of course I get all flustered and just embarrassed and depressed after. 

I guess we should really be giving ourselves a break... our brains are all in fear mode, and it's really hard to formulate coherent sentences in that mode. It's fight or flight - so our bodies just want to get the hell out but since we're still there, our brains are like "wtf get me out get me out DANGER!!" and then we try to actually hold conversations in this mode. Props to us for trying. This stuff is hard!!

CBT might help with this stuff (I'm in that right now) because it helps with self-talk and all of the thoughts we have about the situation. A lot of the pain comes from what we tell ourselves about the situation and what the other person *must* be thinking and what that means about our own self worth, etc etc. And those things, of course, are usually waaay off the mark. 

But yeah, this stuff is hard! I feel your pain!


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