# Is it worth hanging onto my boyfriend after he mistreated me? (* tad bit graphic)



## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

First off, I just have to say I love him dearly... genuinely I do. 
We've been together for 4 years. I'm an extremely loyal and devoted girlfriend - maybe event to the point where it's not good for me and has caused him to become a little spoiled. I've always taken him back when he's disappeared and I've always forgiven him. 

Something happened in December though that I'm finding hard to wrap my head around and accept. 

He wanted me to go meet his family (who live in another state) for Christmas. At first I said no due to my social anxiety and the fact that I've never been away from home before. Finally though after a few weeks of coaxing I agreed to go.

The first few days were great. He was being a loving boyfriend and his family was very kind. I made myself overcome and do a lot of things that my anxiety had previously kept me from achieving (family dinners, eating out, going to the gym, actually talking to people, not to mention my first plane ride etc.) 

On Christmas night things started to change for the worse. He started picking on me out of the blue. Told me my arms were too chubby, poked at me really hard (hard enough to give me bruises), told me I should have surgery on my legs, said I was boring and had no passion. I didn't cry, I just went numb. Then he told me he knew how to give me some spark and tried to give me some E. I freaked out and said no way and that I couldn't believe he takes drugs. He got all pouty, claimed he was just trying to help me and made me feel guilty. 

I should also point out that from here on through the rest of the trip he never told me he loved me again, never touched me and left me crying myself to sleep every night beside him.

The next day I was feeling down because I missed having his affection so I caved in and told him I'd try that pill if it would make him happy. He gave me it that night and it... was an experience. I won't lie - I had a lot of fun strolling around town and he seemed to enjoy it too; was praising me and telling me I was doing really good and that he was proud of me. When we got back to his place though it went back to normal - no affection, just straight to sleep. 

Day after that he barely spoke to me at all. He would leave me alone in his room for hours, wouldn't invite me out and pretty much acted like I didn't exist. Once again, I was left utterly confused. When he finally did talk to me he would criticize the fact that I didn't get high the way he had planned - that he thought I would become an "intellectual" like himself and ponder life, while instead I just wanted to go out and explore (which I guess isn't good enough.) 

By this time I was having my self-esteem more and more deflated. No matter what I did, I couldn't seem to satisfy him. I was beginning to wonder why he even invited me in the first place. 

The next night rolls around and he tells me to take E again as well as acid. I was concerned about whether this would hurt me but he said it would be fine. Well, oddly enough, aside from my pupils, I barely even got a slight buzz. I guess because I was so sad that whole day that my brain blocked the effects out. This pissed him off tremendously. He complained about wasting money on them, that there was something wrong with my mind (and he'd poke at my head really roughly) and that I completely suck and aren't on his level. Then he called me ungrateful. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

Then... the worst day of them all...the day before he was to fly with me back home and stay with me the rest of Jan. until he had to go back to school; we had planned this way before I even visited. It started the same as before - quiet. I also hadn't eaten in 3 days from the depression I was feeling so I was a bit on the unenergetic side. Anyhow, the day wears on until his mother comes over. She calls us down to eat soup. She randomly mentions that her, his stepdad and my bf will all be going to New York on Jan.1 and will be staying a week. I was in shock so I just sat there not saying a word while she continued to talk. Then, the kicker, she starts asking my boyfriend if he wants to come with her to the airport to drop me off tomorrow. This is where I started to break down. From the beginning, my boyfriend promised me he'd be sitting on the plane beside me when I go home. He knows I'm terrified of planes and that the anxiety of being on one by myself would be WAY too much to bare... and I remember looking over at him with this confused look on my face and all he said was, "Oh, I thought I told you." I was like what the crap. Apparently he had known about this trip for days but didn't decide to let me in on it till the day before and even then - he had to have his mother do it for him. I couldn't really take it so I ran upstairs and basically cried till I couldn't catch my breath.

He stayed downstairs to mope around and make his family feel sorry for him. When he finally decided to come up and check on me... this is basically what he said: "Look, I can't do this anymore. Bringing you here was a mistake. It's like I have to be your boyfriend, your father and your role model all at once. We're not right for eachother. I need someone with passion like myself." I should have argued with him and told him to take a step back and look at all the stuff I did for him these past 2 weeks and to treat me with some respect but all I could do was beg him to not leave me. He would just shrug at me with no emotion in his face at all. Then he looked me dead in the eye and blankly said "And since you're late on your period, you need to go get an abortion when you get home. I can't be a father. So just get a cab and get it done." This shocked the life out of me. It's like my kind, sweet boyfriend had done a 180 and turned into a total sociopath with the coldest dead eyes I've ever seen. (wasn't pregnant btw - but he still saw fit to tell me that.)

Sleeping in bed with him that night was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The worst part was I had no where to run. And the next day when I had to get on the plane, I BEGGED him to hold my hand to help me feel a little better but he wouldn't even do that. I nearly had a panic attack in the air.

A few days after I got home he apologized and said I had done nothing wrong but that he just hadn't been "in the zone." but that he thinks we can give it another try... I fussed at him big time but eventually caved in and now we're back to the old us prettymuch. He tells me he loves me again, helps me with things and is being sweet. He still ignores me every now and then but I put up with it cause I don't want to let him go. =/

and idunno.. I guess I'm just stunned still that he would treat me like that out of the blue... just because I didn't come out of my shell the way he had planned. and to take me up there away from my home and to break up with me and lie/trick me.. it hurts. I've been nothing but good to him and I hate myself for still loving him. I just don't feel strong enough to be on my own.


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## DannyBoy64 (May 5, 2014)

For my advice, dump him. I know that it is hard for you, but this is clearly a guy that hadn't acknowledged how you feel during the trip. He knew about your anxiety issues, but he doesn't care and you are aware of this. He may hurt you again for all you know. If you need help, then see a psychologist or talk to your family. I don't know you at all, but you need to be brave and talk to people that you can trust for help.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Oh you mean the physical and emotional abuse by someone whose proud of his chemically induced personality? 

Yeah...you can do better. :squeeze


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

I've bolded most of the red flags:



KittenGoneWild said:


> First off, I just have to say I love him dearly... genuinely I do.
> We've been together for 4 years. I'm an extremely loyal and devoted girlfriend - maybe event to the point where it's not good for me and has caused him to become a little spoiled.* I've always taken him back when he's disappeared and I've always forgiven him.*
> 
> Something happened in December though that I'm finding hard to wrap my head around and accept.
> ...


It makes me sad that a lot of girls are willing to put up with this stuff. I guess love is blinding, and with low self esteem on top of that it can be dangerous.

I hope you really evaluate your relationship and can make the best decision for yourself. You're obviously in an unhealthy relationship. Your boyfriend has issues. Yes, we all have issues but he's toxic and making you feel worse about yourself and it seems like you'll pretty much do whatever he says instead of thinking for yourself. Yes, he treats you well sometimes. But so do most abusive boyfriends...


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

I agree with Mezzo, this relationship sounds very unhealthy. I know that a lot of us can get snippy with each other but the fact that he wouldn't provide you support for flying home should be a big red flag. Also, assuming that you were pregnant, he just expected you to feck off and get an abortion on by yourself like it's nothing? I know you weren't pregnant but still, it's the way he approached that situation that sounds pretty worrying. 

I don't know everything about your relationship but if that experience is likely to happen again or has happened before you could really find someone better.


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## random lonely man (Dec 17, 2014)

whenever i read a story like this i could cry. i am sorry to say this but there are countless girls who let themselves treat like **** and still "love the guy". 

its a thing apparently.

i have stopped giving such girls advice in rl since they all stayed with their "boyfriends" anyway and they could make with them what they wanted. in almost every case the guy was "sooo good in bed" that they were willing to endure the **** he gave them otherwise. maybe its the same with you. i mean a guy who uses drugs yeah right....he seems like a really good catch..NOT..but what do i know  

its a strange phenomenon i think...one that can make me cry but i think even in this case all the "stay away from him" will not help, since "you love him" so much. i have heard that countless times before. i was the friend type where the girls complained. apparently girls think good sex = love. i am not that sure if girls arent the "weaker gender" because of that. i am starting to think yes. i have never seen a guy going out with a murderer for instance or with a child murderer but there are countless women who date prison inmates..hell, there are even women who married the killer of their childs, for me..that is what makes females the weaker gender. i am not even sure if these women know what the word love actually means. they think good sex is love apparently.

you are a girl...there are 28382382832 other guys out for you. if you like being treated like ****....stay with him. thats my "advice". girls like abusive boyfriends apparently..


sorry if i come across as aggressive but i cant take that so many girls i knew and know (virtual and rl) are so blind. or maybe they just like being treated like ****. i dunno. 

i cant take the sorrow anymore. 

i am sorry, i really dont mean it aggressive. but all the advice is wasted anyway. you will stay with him anyway. i am betting on it.


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## roxybudgy (Jan 26, 2015)

As others have said, this kind of thing happens often, and it is very sad when girls allow this to happen to them.

OP, you, like many other women out there, have deluded yourself into staying with a loser guy who treats you like crap. When you finally do break free from this spell, you'll be kicking yourself for not ending it sooner.

If you don't have family or friends that can provide you with help and a safe haven, then I strongly recommend looking up your local domestic abuse centre.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Ugh. Dumb the **** already.


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

Kitten, if you have a therapist, counselor, or support group at your college, I highly recommend visiting.

Is it worth hanging onto him? Definitely not, not even a little. As much as you think you love him, there is someone out there, who knows how to treat women right, whom you can love more. If you hold on to your boyfriend, the abuse will only get worse. I've seen it happen every single time. He'll say sorry and manipulate you, that's part of the cycle of an abusive man. He's not going to change for you and you can't change him. You need to let him go. It is better to be single right now. Let him go, there will be a day when you won't miss him anymore. Dump him. He may cry, beg, whine, but don't give in. Tell him, "Have a good life, BYE!" :lol


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## Ignopius (Mar 19, 2013)

I stopped reading in the second paragraph. No reason your boyfriend should EVER say those comments even if he thinks it in the back of his head. Nothing good can come from it. DUMP HIM


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

Is this suppose to be a trick question? Of course dump him...


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

DannyBoy64 said:


> For my advice, dump him. I know that it is hard for you, but this is clearly a guy that hadn't acknowledged how you feel during the trip. He knew about your anxiety issues, but he doesn't care and you are aware of this. He may hurt you again for all you know. If you need help, then see a psychologist or talk to your family. I don't know you at all, but you need to be brave and talk to people that you can trust for help.


Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone I can trust. He's basically my whole life. He's the one I always go to for advice and such.


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

M0rbid said:


> Is this suppose to be a trick question? Of course dump him...


duh jerks never get dumped


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

KyleInSTL said:


> Oh you mean the physical and emotional abuse by someone whose proud of his chemically induced personality?
> 
> Yeah...you can do better. :squeeze


That made me laugh, thank you. 
He's always been a little loopy (says he has "visions from god" etc.) now I realize it's probably from the drugs.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

mezzoforte said:


> It makes me sad that a lot of girls are willing to put up with this stuff. I guess love is blinding, and with low self esteem on top of that it can be dangerous.
> 
> I hope you really evaluate your relationship and can make the best decision for yourself. You're obviously in an unhealthy relationship. Your boyfriend has issues. Yes, we all have issues but he's toxic and making you feel worse about yourself and it seems like you'll pretty much do whatever he says instead of thinking for yourself. Yes, he treats you well sometimes. But so do most abusive boyfriends...


Everything you've said is absolutely right, unfortunately. He say he's changed already and has been "reborn" but deep inside I doubt it. I don't know what it will take for him to truly wake-up. Aside from the bad things he is a good person I think; he's the only guy I've ever been able to connect with which makes the breaking up thing all the more hard.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

Rixy said:


> I agree with Mezzo, this relationship sounds very unhealthy. I know that a lot of us can get snippy with each other but the fact that he wouldn't provide you support for flying home should be a big red flag. Also, assuming that you were pregnant, he just expected you to feck off and get an abortion on by yourself like it's nothing? I know you weren't pregnant but still, it's the way he approached that situation that sounds pretty worrying.
> 
> I don't know everything about your relationship but if that experience is likely to happen again or has happened before you could really find someone better.


Yes, I know. I was shocked at how he approached the abortion thing too. I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. He's been all over the world and has done so many amazing things, while I've been sheltered my whole life... the whole experience was just mind-blowing to me (in a really bad way.)

But no, nothing like this has ever happened before. He's abandoned me twice (one time for a whole year without even a goodbye) but that's mostly to the extent of it.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

random lonely man said:


> whenever i read a story like this i could cry. i am sorry to say this but there are countless girls who let themselves treat like **** and still "love the guy".
> 
> its a thing apparently.
> 
> ...


This has nothing to do with being good in bed. He's the only guy I've ever slept with and he's not incredibly experienced either. He's never given me an orgasm so...

I don't blame you for being "aggressive." I get mad when I hear about women staying in abusive relationships too. I guess it's harder for us to apply the advice to ourselves. It's just most of the time he seems really good so it's difficult to consider myself in an ongoing abusive relationship... if that makes sense.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

wrongnumber said:


> Pathological relationship. You should look for resources and sources of support to help you leave him or prepare for him dumping you for good, which will likely happen if you don't do it first.


He left me once for a whole year and I was miserable.. but I was finally learning to accept a life without him, then he randomly shows up again and says he's "found himself" and can now be committed. He says he'll always come back... and I think he will when he realizes life isn't so great without me. It always happens this way. I hope if he does do it again that he actually stays gone and stops messing with my head.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

roxybudgy said:


> As others have said, this kind of thing happens often, and it is very sad when girls allow this to happen to them.
> 
> OP, you, like many other women out there, have deluded yourself into staying with a loser guy who treats you like crap. When you finally do break free from this spell, you'll be kicking yourself for not ending it sooner.
> 
> If you don't have family or friends that can provide you with help and a safe haven, then I strongly recommend looking up your local domestic abuse centre.


What if they don't take me seriously? He's not even around me 8 months of the year. He's never punched me or routinely mentally abuses me everyday. This was like a really bad freak occurrence. I feel like so many other women have it worse than me.


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## feels (Jun 18, 2010)

Somebody needs to kick this guy's ***. Don't put up with this any longer. Like, run as fast as you can. Cut off all contact. I realize you might feel like you love him and that he might be one of the only people in your life right now, but he is ****ed. You don't need this guy and you'll feel a million times better when you can cleanse yourself of him.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

lilyamongthorns said:


> Kitten, if you have a therapist, counselor, or support group at your college, I highly recommend visiting.
> 
> Is it worth hanging onto him? Definitely not, not even a little. As much as you think you love him, there is someone out there, who knows how to treat women right, whom you can love more. If you hold on to your boyfriend, the abuse will only get worse. I've seen it happen every single time. He'll say sorry and manipulate you, that's part of the cycle of an abusive man. He's not going to change for you and you can't change him. You need to let him go. It is better to be single right now. Let him go, there will be a day when you won't miss him anymore. Dump him. He may cry, beg, whine, but don't give in. Tell him, "Have a good life, BYE!" :lol


Thank you. I actually ended up writing a really angry rant to him last night where I dump him... I just haven't had the heart to send it yet. I keep wondering if you truly love someone and you think they're you're soul-mate, if it's okay to forgive them and move on. It's just he's done so much good stuff for me... I wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for him and I'd probably be without heat too.. and he's an amazing advice giver. I have such a bond with him. That's what makes this so sad.


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

Like everyone else said, he needs to go. He's using guilt to manipulate you, every time you don't do what he wants he makes you feel guilty for it, and when he doesn't do what you want he makes you feel guilty for asking. He doesn't care about your well-being, he cares more about you being enjoyable for him, it didn't matter to him that you were scared of drugs or that they could hurt you, he just wanted you to be more entertaining for him. Everything mezzo bolded is terrifying, guilt, gaslighting, emotional abuse. Don't rely on him leaving again, you need to leave and decide he's not right for you.

It sounds like you're really dependent on him though, the airplane thing especially. You need to learn to stop relying on or being dependent on people so much. Obviously not an easy task, and I have issues with that too, but a good start is burning that bridge os you know you're alone and know he can't get back into your life.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

KittenGoneWild said:


> I keep wondering if you truly love someone and you think they're you're soul-mate, if it's okay to forgive them and move on.


Maybe a spouse, maybe a fiance, but honestly not in this case.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

He sounds quite mentally ill. It would not surprise me if he was a 'sociopath' they are good at making people believe they're the perfect person until it no longer suits them.

You should leave him, and be prepared for him to get violent and maybe stalk you, it's a worse case scenario maybe.. But you have to be prepared. Go and stay with family or close friends if you have any, let them know in advance when you plan to leave him (the exact day and time.) Make sure if you leave him you're not alone afterwards one way or another. I don't think he'll like it if _you _ leave _him_. Just a feeling.



random lonely man said:


> whenever i read a story like this i could cry. i am sorry to say this but there are countless girls who let themselves treat like **** and still "love the guy".
> 
> its a thing apparently.
> 
> ...


Women have lower self esteem than men on the whole. This starts during the teenage years.



KittenGoneWild said:


> What if they don't take me seriously? He's not even around me 8 months of the year. He's never punched me or routinely mentally abuses me everyday. This was like a really bad freak occurrence. I feel like so many other women have it worse than me.


Who cares? If you break your leg you're not going to sit around in pain because someone out there has had their's amputated are you?


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## photorealisticotakuman (May 8, 2013)

KittenGoneWild said:


> Thank you. I actually ended up writing a really angry rant to him last night where I dump him... I just haven't had the heart to send it yet. I keep wondering if you truly love someone and you think they're you're soul-mate, if it's okay to forgive them and move on. It's just he's done so much good stuff for me... I wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for him and I'd probably be without heat too.. and he's an amazing advice giver. I have such a bond with him. That's what makes this so sad.


Im sorry you had to go through this .

Tell him exactly what he should here from you.
Get him in a neutral mood or when he seems to listen.

* Tell him word for word what he did/does to you. 
* How exactly it made you feel
* Who you thought he was before--
* Who he is now
* Even if he loves you, its just too little too late. You have been completely pushed away.
6. Goodbye, he lost someone that truly loved him.


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## waldorfs (Feb 18, 2013)

Please, please leave him. I know it's hard, especially if you feel that he's your only support or social connection. But this is abuse and you do not deserve to be treated like that. He has made you feel guilty by manipulating your emotions. I won't deny the good things he may have done for you, but those times don't make up for this. Don't be lenient because it will happen again as evidenced by his previous actions. Leave him, don't negotiate.



Persephone The Dread said:


> He sounds quite mentally ill. It would not surprise me if he was a 'sociopath' they are good at making people believe they're the perfect person until it no longer suits them.
> 
> You should leave him, and be prepared for him to get violent and maybe stalk you, it's a worse case scenario maybe.. But you have to be prepared. Go and stay with family or close friends if you have any, let them know in advance when you plan to leave him (the exact day and time.) Make sure if you leave him you're not alone afterwards one way or another. I don't think he'll like it if _you _ leave _him_. Just a feeling.


Agree with this. It's always good to take precautions and make sure your family knows what's going on so they can help you.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

Okay, I thought I'd just let everyone know I just broke up with him.

He had been ignoring me/barely speaking to me the past 2 days since he's been back at school (we go to different ones) and I got ticked off and demanded to know why. He admitted he's been doing acid because he "needed the trips to put things back in perspective." And that he's sorry he hasn't been talking but he needed to drift away for a while so that he can "understand the world again."

I pretty much couldn't take this. Not only is he ignoring me for drugs but he's skipping classes already.. completely taking for granted the hundreds of thousands of dollars his parents pay to send him to a private school in another country.

He doesn't understand why I'm breaking up with him because he says he's always been there for me... and how could I do this after everything we've shared... and how theres so much ahead of us... etc. Then he asked why I want to quit on him. I already feel guilty.

It's breaking my heart.. and I know I'm going to regret it in the morning.


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

KittenGoneWild said:


> Okay, I thought I'd just let everyone know I just broke up with him.
> 
> He had been ignoring me/barely speaking to me the past 2 days since he's been back at school (we go to different ones) and I got ticked off and demanded to know why. He admitted he's been doing acid because he "needed the trips to put things back in perspective." And that he's sorry he hasn't been talking but he needed to drift away for a while so that he can "understand the world again."
> 
> ...


No, don't feel guilty and don't regret it. This is what he does to you, he wants you to feel guilty so you'll do what he wants and won't make the right decisions for yourself and your life.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

You did the right thing. If you'll "be there" for him, it'll be to encourage his detox and finding a healthful path to enlightenment and for him to stop being a royal DB. Stay strong.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. I know what it's like to cling on to a sour relationship because of how it used to be in the past.
It's easier said when you're not romantically involved with the person, but this guy doesn't sound good for you at all. He seems to like manipulating you into believing that he made you able to overcome some anxiety barriers, but that was down to you.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

It seems like he's like this only around his family so they probably have a big influence on his personality in front of them, which still isn't good. You should leave him as he just showed you a bit of who he really is and as time goes by the only worse he'll get. I get that he seems to be the only good guy for you but honestly there are a bunch of guys that would never do anything to hurt you like that and that type of boyfriend is the type you deserve, not the one you're with now.

It's not gonna be easy but if you leave him you will start to feel better after a while. If you continue to stay with him he'll just eventually destroy you pensively (that means mentally).

All in all it's up to you but I hope you realize what the right choice is (obviously leaving him).


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

You guys aren't right for each other, that is true. It's not your fault though and he's a dick for trying to force you to change in a way he sees fit. You need someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. I love my sweet girlfriend and I could never imagine treating her like that. It seems like he really just doesn't love you and instead wants to force you to be someone you aren't so he can love you.

You really should stop torturing yourself and just break up with him. There are guys out there that would love you and make you feel special for who you are.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

Also if he was a really good boyfriend and loved you he would respect your decisions for not wanting to do something and not shame you for it and try to pressure you to do it. 

You need to send that letter to him and never look back otherwise you'll always be his mindless drone.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

KittenGoneWild said:


> Okay, I thought I'd just let everyone know I just broke up with him.
> 
> He had been ignoring me/barely speaking to me the past 2 days since he's been back at school (we go to different ones) and I got ticked off and demanded to know why. He admitted he's been doing acid because he "needed the trips to put things back in perspective." And that he's sorry he hasn't been talking but he needed to drift away for a while so that he can "understand the world again."
> 
> ...


 Sorry I wish I read this before posting my post :|

I know it hurts but you have to strengthen yourself otherwise he's just gonna constantly walk over you till he finds someone else he's interested in and leaving you there broken, and believe me that would hurt even more than you pushing him away.


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## DannyBoy64 (May 5, 2014)

You have done the right thing. It sucks that you don't have family and friends to help you in this situation, but what you did was for the best. Trust me as I say that you can do better than him (like someone who doesn't do drugs). Don't let him manipulate you in the future too. Make this break up "written in stone" as I say. If you need help, then I would recommend a psychologist.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

It sounds to me that he has newly discovered drugs and to be honest it sounds like the end is inevitable for your relationship . Speaking from my past mistakes . 
He may and probably will always love you but the drugs will change him until he stops using but by then I'd be betting you'd be long gone from his life . 
Sorry but it's just what happens


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

Don't stick around with a dude that makes all the decent dudes out there wonder 'why would anybody date a prick like this and I can't even get a single date!?!?' 

Don't be an emotional prisoner to a stupid drugged out loser.

Edit: Nevermind...you broke up with him. Kudos! :squeeze

Find somebody who treats you the way you DESERVE to be treated and won't put drugs before you.


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## Kanova (Dec 17, 2012)

....Are you kidding me?


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Well done.

Now don't take him back. Stay strong.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

It's not uncommon for partners of people with SA to want them to change, but the way this guy was acting is taking it to a whole new level. What you described sounded like emotional abuse and the scariest thing is he is trying to push you into drug use either for is own sick pleasure or to alter your personality in some way which he doesn't like. I don't say this lightly, as i know there are times when people complain about a problem and there are other people who always say leave them, even over the smallest problem, but you need to stay away from this guy. You can or should at least try to find someone better. In spite of what has happened you will still feel an emotional connection to this person, as we all do even after ending a bad relationship and he will probably come back saying things will be different or will intimidate you into coming back with him by saying you're worthless etc. Now you have seen his true personality come out while on holiday, be glad of that in some ways, as you should now no longer need to have any reservations about not being with him anymore.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Don't give in now, if I see a post of you saying you took him back.....


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## Jelly1 (Jan 28, 2015)

You already know the answer to whether or not you should hang on to him ... Your real question is ~ How to leave?
He's knows he can treat you like **** and you'll put up with it because you've reassured him that he can. Take your life back Kitten.


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## Jelly1 (Jan 28, 2015)

*He


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

KittenGoneWild said:


> He doesn't understand why I'm breaking up with him because *he says he's always been there for me*... and how could I do this after everything we've shared... and how theres so much ahead of us... etc. Then he asked why I want to quit on him. I already feel guilty.
> 
> It's breaking my heart.. and I know I'm going to regret it in the morning.


Well he's already lying then because of that abortion comment and the whole plane scenario. Also, he left you for a whole year? You did the right thing. Some time away from him might give you a clearer perspective and you should feel less guilty, love can be blinding after all. While it's true that you can find someone else, it could be a good opportunity to gain some independence and confidence in yourself.

Good luck, anyway.


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

KittenGoneWild said:


> He doesn't understand why I'm breaking up with him because he says he's always been there for me... and how could I do this after everything we've shared... and how theres so much ahead of us... etc. Then he asked why I want to quit on him. I already feel guilty.


You can tell him he's abusive and you're not going to put up with it anymore. Or, better yet, don't say anything at all and just let him be. Just leave him and don't look back. He's going to say sorry and make false promises. Don't give in. You need to stand your ground. Seek help from an abuse center, talk to a college counselor, or seek a therapist, so they can help you walk away from this abusive relationship. No one should be abused in any way EVER. This is serious stuff. It's time to put a stop to it.


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## HenDoggy (Jul 26, 2014)

I'm glad you dumped his ***, who the **** pokes someone in the head repeatedly, this is beyond disturbing, especially from someone who supposedly "loves" you.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

KittenGoneWild said:


> He left me once for a whole year and I was miserable.. but I was finally learning to accept a life without him, then he randomly shows up again and says he's "found himself" and can now be committed. He says he'll always come back... and I think he will when he realizes life isn't so great without me. It always happens this way. I hope if he does do it again that he actually stays gone and stops messing with my head.


He probably comes back because he has noone else, and he knows that you'll be there. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete abusive idiot.



KittenGoneWild said:


> He's never punched me or routinely mentally abuses me everyday. This was like a really bad freak occurrence. I feel like so many other women have it worse than me.


There's no excuse for behaving the way he does, and the fact that you think it's ok because he "isn't always like that" is worrying. You have the typical mentality of an abused person who forgives anything. Is it ok to physically abuse someone because killing someone is worse? There's no need to compare two wrongs. Right? Abuse is abuse. You made this thread because you know that deep down. If you stay it will probably get worse, and you'll gradually raise the bar of what's "acceptable". Try to look at the situation from an outsider's perspective. Think about why you think that it's ok to treat you this way(which is what you're saying by staying with him).



KittenGoneWild said:


> He doesn't understand why I'm breaking up with him because he says he's always been there for me... and how could I do this after everything we've shared... and how theres so much ahead of us... etc. Then he asked why I want to quit on him. I already feel guilty.
> 
> It's breaking my heart.. and I know I'm going to regret it in the morning.


That's a lie, though. In this thread alone, you've given examples of how he's NOT been there for you, so there is no reason for you to feel guilty. He's manipulating you because he knows that you're addicted to him. He knows that deep down you want to be with him(hoping that he'll change) and he's using it. Try to stay objective and look at the situation with sober eyes(even if it's hard). Take it day by day, and don't think about a whole future without him. That's too overwhelming. Put yourself first. Try to do that.

Do you hope that you'll be able to "fix" him? Have you been in this situation with someone else before? It's very common for people who've lived close to people with addictions to become codependent and transfer that type of behavior into new relationships(that's why I'm asking). Has he been doing drugs ever since you met him?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

This guy is a complete jerk. I don't care how he apologizes or blames it on other things. People like that don't change. At least not overnight. It's possible he might change in a decade or something but if he does this kind of stuff one day and apologizes a few days later, he's lying.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Why do you act likes he is the only guy in the world, or the only one that could ever like you?

You're too forgiving and too patient. He deserves bad things to happen to him for how he has treated you. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness or patience or devotion. Start talking to other guys, make new connections. There are people in this world who would never dream of treating you this way.

It's really sickening to read stories of abuse like this. I wish I could do more to help than simply post here.

Imagine in your mind what a self respecting woman would do if any of this happened to her. Then force yourself to become that.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

I don't think he took me very seriously since he hasn't gone away yet. He keeps telling me to trust him and that things will be just fine and that he's had "visions" of us together in the future so it must be true... and that he takes the drugs for our relationship so that he can become even more enlightened which will lead to him being rich like his father (what the crap.) I'm trying not to say anything back but it's hard. He also points out that I'm his and he's mine and no one could ever love me the way he does. Nevertheless, I can tell he's not scared. He didn't try to call me, didn't cry any, went to bed like normal - so it's definitely not effecting him much... most likely cause he thinks I'm going to change my mind.



Shameful said:


> It sounds like you're really dependent on him though, the airplane thing especially. You need to learn to stop relying on or being dependent on people so much. Obviously not an easy task, and I have issues with that too, but a good start is burning that bridge os you know you're alone and know he can't get back into your life.


Yes, I am VERY dependent on him. If I need help with school, he's there. If I need money, he's there. If I need advice, he's there. Just in general I'm a bit needy - not just with material stuff but with emotional stuff too. That's one fault of mine which I don't think many guys could deal with. I don't feel good that day unless he tells me he loves me and gives me encouragement. My mood has depended on him for years now.



KyleInSTL said:


> You did the right thing. If you'll "be there" for him, it'll be to encourage his detox and finding a healthful path to enlightenment and for him to stop being a royal DB. Stay strong.


Hah, I wish. He's not that humble. He claims he is already enlightened and better than most humans/hates them, etc.



RelinquishedHell said:


> You guys aren't right for each other, that is true. It's not your fault though and he's a dick for trying to force you to change in a way he sees fit. You need someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. I love my sweet girlfriend and I could never imagine treating her like that. It seems like he really just doesn't love you and instead wants to force you to be someone you aren't so he can love you.


You're right about this... He has SO many expectations of me because he's "envisioned" them. For instance, I must become a world renowned artist, a dancer, an elite hacker, the best cosplayer ever, completely and utterly captivating, I can NEVER age (he says it's impossible to age as long as you believe), an actress, a musician, oh... and I have to have the perfect anime girl body forever ( he shows me pictures that are completely inhuman naturally and tells me I'll be like that as long as I work for it.. but it's like I already have J-cups what more does he want from me.) The list goes on an on... and he is CERTAIN without a doubt that it's all going to happen. He always likes to dictate my hair and the way I dress (as in he wants me to revert back to my 15 year old emo/scene kid stage. ugh.) Lately I've wondered if he really loves me for me or just this made up idea of who I'm suppose to become.



GGTFM said:


> I know it hurts but you have to strengthen yourself otherwise he's just gonna constantly walk over you till he finds someone else he's interested in and leaving you there broken, and believe me that would hurt even more than you pushing him away.


He's sort of done this already. When he disappeared for a year without a goodbye, he randomly moved to London and started dating a chick he met at a goth club... she apparently cheated on him the whole time, was mean to him, slapped him a lot...when he came back to me and told me what happened, I was devastated.



andy0128 said:


> It's not uncommon for partners of people with SA to want them to change, but the way this guy was acting is taking it to a whole new level. What you described sounded like emotional abuse and the scariest thing is he is trying to push you into drug use either for is own sick pleasure or to alter your personality in some way which he doesn't like. I don't say this lightly, as i know there are times when people complain about a problem and there are other people who always say leave them, even over the smallest problem, but you need to stay away from this guy. You can or should at least try to find someone better. In spite of what has happened you will still feel an emotional connection to this person, as we all do even after ending a bad relationship and he will probably come back saying things will be different or will intimidate you into coming back with him by saying you're worthless etc. Now you have seen his true personality come out while on holiday, be glad of that in some ways, as you should now no longer need to have any reservations about not being with him anymore.


The thing that really got to me was he's known about my personality and my shyness for going on 5 years.. He had always been really sweet about it. I have no idea how he thought taking me away from my home for almost 2 weeks was going to drastically change 22 years of habit. He just ended up traumatizing me and ruining what could have been a great experience.

He claims the drugs are good though because they help "smart people like himself" expand their minds. He says they're not bad or addicting like the harder stuff. Personally, I didn't see what was so great. It allowed me to be more carefree than usual but nothing life changing like he expected.



probably offline said:


> He probably comes back because he has noone else, and he knows that you'll be there. Your boyfriend sounds like a complete abusive idiot.


This is true. I asked him what his logic was when he did that. He said he didn't say goodbye because he knew he'd just come back and didn't want to "end it officially." And silly me practically jumped right into his arms without much resistance cause I was so happy he was there again... like a loyal dog... even though he left me wondering if he was alive or dead for an entire year. =/



probably offline said:


> There's no excuse for behaving the way he does, and the fact that you think it's ok because he "isn't always like that" is worrying. You have the typical mentality of an abused person who forgives anything. Is it ok to physically abuse someone because killing someone is worse? There's no need to compare two wrongs. Right? Abuse is abuse. You made this thread because you know that deep down. If you stay it will probably get worse, and you'll gradually raise the bar of what's "acceptable". Try to look at the situation from an outsider's perspective. Think about why you think that it's ok to treat you this way(which is what you're saying by staying with him).


You make a lot of sense. What I struggle with is knowing what things I should let go and forgive and which things are unforgivable.



probably offline said:


> Do you hope that you'll be able to "fix" him? Have you been in this situation with someone else before? It's very common for people who've lived close to people with addictions to become codependent and transfer that type of behavior into new relationships(that's why I'm asking). Has he been doing drugs ever since you met him?


I would love for him to change for me. In many ways he has. He's grown a lot as a person over the years but in other ways he's gotten worse. I don't think he used to do drugs when I first met him. I think all that happened when he disappeared for a year and got into the party scene (which he claims I should be proud of him for because at least he "stayed on the right path and didn't commit suicide" after all he saw.) Also the fact that the only friend he has in his current school is a stoner probably doesn't help...

and no.. I haven't been in this exact situation before. I once tried dating an older guy who came into my life when my bf was gone and I was miserable. I thought it'd help me move on.. but nope... he seemed nice enough at first but he was in fact extremely controlling and possessive and it was hard to get away from him. He still sends me angry emails to this day. That's one of the reasons I was so relieved to have my boyfriend back because I felt safe again and happy.



mjkittredge said:


> Why do you act likes he is the only guy in the world, or the only one that could ever like you?


I know he's not the only guy in the world but he is the only one I've ever felt a bond with. It's almost magical. He always knows the right things to say to me, he's done more for me than anybody I've ever met and he is very unique. I can't describe it... No matter how many others I've met, they've never put in the same amount of effort as he has. I guess it just makes him stick out.



mjkittredge said:


> Imagine in your mind what a self respecting woman would do if any of this happened to her. Then force yourself to become that.


I'll try to do that. I've been reading books on self-empowerment so maybe that'll help me.


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## Raeden (Feb 8, 2013)

Your boyfriend is a druggie loser. Why are you even considering trying to stay around him?


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I know you don't owe SAers a thing, but hanging on to this loser proves some guys here right about "bad boys". There's always numerous good guys who'd give their right nut to date you, so please don't make their fears accurate. Save yourself.


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## KittenGoneWild (May 12, 2013)

KyleInSTL said:


> I know you don't owe SAers a thing, but hanging on to this loser proves some guys here right about "bad boys". There's always numerous good guys who'd give their right nut to date you, so please don't make their fears accurate. Save yourself.


I'm not. I haven't responded to him since we broke up. It's just _really_ hard not to because, naturally, I feel rather lonely now. It's just a weird sensation going from "I love you" to "please stay out of my life." I haven't been handling it well but I'm trying at least.

And well... I'm not into "bad boys." I fell for him because he was sweet, nerdy, shy and innocent like myself. Some parts of him have just changed over the course of time. It's not as if I'm seeking out a druggie for a boyfriend who pokes at me and insults me. My love for him was already there before any of that happened - that's why this is hard. I miss his old qualities that made him special to me.


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## gumball (Dec 4, 2014)

i happy that you made the decision to leave him, it was a toxic relationship =( it does feel lonely now, trust me, i know this feeling. but it'll soon feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. no more tears, no more drama, no more stress. he's not the same person he once was, people change, especially if he's young. they experiment and experience new things. and sometimes they don't want to change back. it's something hard to accept but some people can't be changed >< keep staying strong and you'll get through this


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

KittenGoneWild said:


> I don't think he took me very seriously since he hasn't gone away yet. He keeps telling me to trust him and that things will be just fine and that he's had "visions" of us together in the future so it must be true... and that he takes the drugs for our relationship so that he can become even more enlightened which will lead to him being rich like his father (what the crap.) I'm trying not to say anything back but it's hard. He also points out that I'm his and he's mine and no one could ever love me the way he does. Nevertheless, I can tell he's not scared. He didn't try to call me, didn't cry any, went to bed like normal - so it's definitely not effecting him much... most likely cause he thinks I'm going to change my mind.
> 
> He's sort of done this already. When he disappeared for a year without a goodbye, he randomly moved to London and started dating a chick he met at a goth club... she apparently cheated on him the whole time, was mean to him, slapped him a lot...when he came back to me and told me what happened, I was devastated.


 Well I doubt it went the way he told you, he obviously said that so you wouldn't be too mad at him for leaving but I'm glad to see that you're strengthening yourself as best you can to get past him. Keep it up, and also he most likely doesn't take you seriously cause if he did he wouldn't go on as if nothing happened.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Welp time to block his number.

Oh, and if that doesn't stop him, threaten to tell his parents about all the drugs he's been doing and how he's been skipping classes. You have the power!


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## equiiaddict (Jun 27, 2006)

Do not, I repeat, do NOT take him back. He completely disrespected you. A guy who truly loves and respects you never would have A) insulted you like that, B) forced/guilted you into taking something that you didn't want to take, and C) pulled that sh*tty stunt with the plane ride. He sounds like a total narcissist who only wants you when it's convenient for him.
You deserve so much better, you sound like an amazing, strong person and you don't need to be stuck with someone like that.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Was he into drugs before Christmas?

Something is weird....like he fell into drugs when you go to his house or something.
It looks like he ignores you and wants a fix. He forgot to tell you about school? Who does that?

Dump that zero and get yourself a hero!


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## 4gotten1 (Mar 5, 2015)

You gotta dump for your him for YOUR own good.


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