# How often do you stress about not being in a relationship?



## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

How often do you stress out about not having a gf/bf? I stress about it fairly regularly. Thankfully it's not as much as when I was younger. Back then I was always thinking "I have to find a wife by the time I'm 30 or it'll never happen!!!", but now that I'm past 30, I don't worry quite as much, but, still, I get stressed (sometimes very stressed) about finding a gf. This is especially true after I see a girl I used to date. I saw my ex last night and have been worried all day about "when is my next relationship going to happen?!?!" I was pacing back and forth for a long while thinking about this today. Ughhh. If only I were normal.

-Solitario-


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## thetrial (Sep 14, 2008)

I stress about it a lot, because I've never been in one, and every day that passes I'm paranoid that I'm going to die never having had anyone love me.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

thetrial said:


> I stress about it a lot, because I've never been in one, and every day that passes I'm paranoid that I'm going to die never having had anyone love me.


How old are you?


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## demian1 (Dec 11, 2006)

I stress about it quite a bit. The stress is about finding a gf and also about being able to change or adapt to the new lifestyle...hopefully leading up to marriage and children. Sometimes I wonder or dread the feeling that it was just not meant to be for me in this life. I'm 37 now and have been struggling with SA and the depressions it's caused for a long time now, since my preteens. For someone my age, I suppose my experiences in dating/relationships is way below the average and more importantly, way below the amount I wish I could have had. But I'm hopeful things will become better


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## thetrial (Sep 14, 2008)

Solitario said:


> How old are you?


Um, I'm 18, 19 in a month really. So I know I probably shouldn't be stressing about it, but I do. :\


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I'm trying to settle down so I can sleep at night. 

I'm almost 25 and I see so many people my age settling down and starting families. I can't describe the low feeling I get when I think about how I probably won't ever get to experience that.


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

I want to have a gf but I don't really get "stressed" over it or let it affect my daily life. It does depress me because I feel starved for some kind of emotional attachment but the more I think about it the more it bothers me so I usually try to ignore it. I do most of my venting on here


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## Want2Bconfident (Sep 14, 2008)

Solitario said:


> How often do you stress out about not having a gf/bf? I stress about it fairly regularly. Thankfully it's not as much as when I was younger. Back then I was always thinking "I have to find a wife by the time I'm 30 or it'll never happen!!!", but now that I'm past 30, I don't worry quite as much, but, still, I get stressed (sometimes very stressed) about finding a gf. This is especially true after I see a girl I used to date. I saw my ex last night and have been worried all day about "when is my next relationship going to happen?!?!" I was pacing back and forth for a long while thinking about this today. Ughhh. If only I were normal.
> 
> -Solitario-


I don't stress or worry about it, but I know I am missing out on so much and also I would love to be with a woman who I think is amazing. 
I see so many friends and people at work who are married or in relationships and they do so much together and they just seem so happy to have that person in their life who is always there for them. 
I just see some of my friends at work who are always going to restaurants and planning doing nice things on their time off, going on holidays, etc and even during the week having nice nights in, I just feel like I wish I was doing that sort of thing. 
To be honest, the reason I never stress about it is because I know that until I overcome my confidence/anxiety issues that I don't really feel I would want to be in a relationship. Overcoming my confidence/anxiety issues is my number one goal in life, once I sort that out the world will be my oyster.


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## Draztek (Jul 5, 2008)

I feel depressed every time anyone I know gets a bf/gf. I keep hoping I'll be next and I never am.

Or I scroll through my contact book and look at all the names of girls I've been friendzoned or completely ignored by and just feel like ****.


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## Mnster (Oct 2, 2008)

Probably everytime I see a good looking girl walk by. I think about a crap ton too at work or when I'm bored, I desire it, I visit personals websites every night and I always come out the odd man out. I will find someone this coming year, that is my goal. I figure the older I get the less choices I'm going to have.


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## copper (Nov 10, 2003)

I have pretty much given up. I screw up every relationship with anyone. I guess it is just my lot in life.


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

i don't know. i haven't been exerting myself for the last couple years. too busy.

but i feel somewhat stressed having read this thread


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

orpheus said:


> i don't know. i haven't been exerting myself for the last couple years. too busy.
> 
> *but i feel somewhat stressed having read this thread*


Sorry. :-(


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

Want2Bconfident said:


> To be honest, the reason I never stress about it is because I know that until I overcome my confidence/anxiety issues that I don't really feel I would want to be in a relationship. Overcoming my confidence/anxiety issues is my number one goal in life, once I sort that out the world will be my oyster.


Maybe being in a relationship will help you get some of the confidence you need. It's helped me. You'll learn things in a relationship.


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

Solitario said:


> Sorry. :-(


Nah, I'm just an emotional wreck right now--at a crossroads. I don't know what woman would want to put up with me any time soon.

I was the closest to love I believe I'd ever been when I was dating this girl a few years back. But I was a drunkard (I though better a sot than a social outcast) back then and screwed it all up. She was the only girl I've ever been with whom I could see myself with. But I bungled that relationship, and I have a nagging stress that it will be the last girl like that I meet.


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## jonesy0039 (Jan 28, 2008)

Draztek said:


> I feel depressed every time anyone I know gets a bf/gf. I keep hoping I'll be next and I never am.
> 
> Or I scroll through my contact book and look at all the names of girls I've been friendzoned or completely ignored by and just feel like ****.


this is exactly how i feel


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## Want2Bconfident (Sep 14, 2008)

I just wanted to write this, it seemed a relevant sort of place to write it.

Back at school and college there was this guy who I was friends with who was not exactly good looking, he never had much luck with women, he also always had bad BO, but he was very clever and quite confident. Well about 6 months ago I was with a friend out for drinks and we bumped into him and his Brazilian wife, who was absolutely amazing, so nice, clever, beautiful, etc. This guy also has a really good job in London and was earning some very good money.

My friend and I were thinking wow, that is fantastic, he has done amazing. 

It just makes me think, here is myself and almost everyone who has posted on this thread, we seem to have given up meeting anyone, yet I can't help but think if its possible for this guy to have done so amazing, then why shouldn't I be able to do well for myself and meet someone I like. 

There is a big part of me that wants to go for broke and see what I can achieve being myself and not being anxious, but until I overcome my issues I can't allow myself to be myself, I am too obsessed with protecting myself from negative judgements that I am sensitive about. I am working on it, but I have family with me currently so I can't really devote much time on it at the moment.

I just think that we could achieve amazing things if we just allowed ourselves to go for it. I know this girl at work who I have fancied for years. I walk past her every day at work and try and smile and make eye contact with her, sometimes she looks back, but sometimes she blanks me. I know she is single, I just feel if I was confident and able to be myself I could have a half a chance. We shouldn't be dwelling on believing we have no chance, we should be going for broke and try and make amazing things happen, but I know for myself that until I overcome my confidence issues I cannot do that.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I go through phases. Right now, it is burning me up.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Every time I see a girl I'm attracted to. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her, and then I think she probably wouldn't want to kiss me anyway.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

Want2Bconfident said:


> I just think that we could achieve amazing things if we just allowed ourselves to go for it. I know this girl at work who I have fancied for years. I walk past her every day at work and try and smile and make eye contact with her, sometimes she looks back, but sometimes she blanks me. I know she is single, I just feel if I was confident and able to be myself I could have a half a chance. We shouldn't be dwelling on believing we have no chance, we should be going for broke and try and make amazing things happen, but I know for myself that until I overcome my confidence issues I cannot do that.


Do you realistically have a chance with this girl at work? One thing I always used to do is focus on one girl and it was like "this one or nothing". I had to get rid of that way of thinking and focus on others girls I knew who I had a chance with. By "have a chance with" I don't just mean because of looks, but more like 'Who do I know and have, or could build, rapport with?' When I changed the 'paradigm' I had more success.


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## michellejl (Aug 20, 2006)

It goes in phases. I wonder if I will ever find someone that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with, and that's kind of a depressing thought because it seems unlikely. The more men I meet the more discouraged I get. lol Not that I don't try. There is hope, and I'd rather find the right person than be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one or end up settling again. Trying to be patient. But then sometimes I think about how my ex husband already has a serious gf and they seem really great together, and it's like why does he get to find someone and I don't. Then other times I have no interest in men at all and could care less if I'm single or not.


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## Eraserhead (Sep 23, 2006)

WintersTale said:


> Every time I see a girl I'm attracted to. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her, and then I think she probably wouldn't want to kiss me anyway.


Similar stuff goes through my head. It kills me... :rain


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Im emotionally depleted just thinking about girls.


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## random222 (Jun 21, 2007)

Not at all, and this is the happiest I've been in a few months. Coincidence or not, I don't know.


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## Ohms (Sep 26, 2008)

Yea Im pretty lonely


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

I don't know. I use to emphasize a lot but then I think I tone it down over the years. Maybe because I realised that I wasn't good enough for people but I still do harbour hopes of finding that someone.


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## silver_light (Nov 4, 2008)

i think about it a lot...but have been trying to tell myself that this is meant to be the time where i learn how to be alone,and when i work on all of my issues...
i am indeed lonely though...


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## Indecipherable_Sorrow (Oct 21, 2008)

Yep Im 19. I think about it all day everyday. I still get a little embarrassed that Im 19 and have not ever had one.


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## Cosmin (Mar 16, 2007)

-


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

I stress about not being in a relationship all the time. There's like a constant chorus of "you're going to be a crazy cat lady, you're going to be a crazy cat lady, spinster, spinster, spinster!" That part of my brain never shuts off.

That said, my experiences are definitely abnormal and do not reflect on womankind _at all._


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## KXracer (Sep 24, 2008)

Cosmin said:


> This is something that's slowly killing me each day. It's just impossible for me to connect in any way with the opposite sex, but I can't stop thinking about it.
> Feels like I waited too much and missed my train because all girls around my age group have certain expectations from guys and I have no idea what to do.
> I wish there were something I could do about it, to just focus my attention on something else.


I always wondered about that. Do all girls of that age group have certain expectations? Would they dump you as soon as you fall short of those expectations? What are those expectations? How does one who's never been in a relationship before develop relationship skills if they will never be given a chance to?

I got no idea wtf I'm talking about but does anyone have answers to these questions.

Thank you kindly


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Not really at all. I'm so worried about other things that women have exited my mind lately. I decided a while back to never go and actively attempt to pursue women or be bothered attempting any of that stuff like flirting which I don't even really understand. If I ever have a relationship again it will be through no initiative of my own, and I don't really care either way. I worry so much about everything else that there's no space left to worry about women



KXracer said:


> I always wondered about that. Do all girls of that age group have certain expectations? Would they dump you as soon as you fall short of those expectations? What are those expectations? How does one who's never been in a relationship before develop relationship skills if they will never be given a chance to?
> 
> I got no idea wtf I'm talking about but does anyone have answers to these questions.
> 
> Thank you kindly


1. Yes. Read Hot Chocolate's topic for a reference, pretty typical, and even on the low side in terms of expectations. 
2. Yes. Actually there wouldn't really be a dumping because they'd never let the dating evolve into a relationship if you didn't meet their standards in the first place
3. Confidence, at least average looks, having aspirations and goals, having your own place and a job, making them feel safe, knowing how to dress, sense of humor, various other things that vary with every girl. 
4. If she likes you and she's worth a damn she'll help you along the way.


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## ssmcivicsi (Jun 16, 2005)

Cosmin said:


> Feels like I waited too much and missed my train because all girls around my age group have certain expectations from guys and I have no idea what to do.
> I wish there were something I could do about it, to just focus my attention on something else.


I can definitely relate to this. I didn't get my first "g/f" until I was 18. Now several years later I have only had relationships that have lasted months to weeks. In all of them I find that I'm not up to par with their expectations. Whats worse is that as I get older those expectations appear to get even higher!

Most of them have had a few partners, some even divorced, a couple with a kid or two, looking for someone who will likely be making 6 figures in a few years and an all around man's man. Sadly I've gotten to the point where I have to lie about my past just to keep up, if and when I go on dates.

Fortunately I suppose there is somewhat of a bell curve to all this. I've found that once single women hit their mid-30's, they begin to liquidate and bottom basement their expectations.

As for the OP: I don't really dwell too much about not being in a relationship. Sure it bothers me sometimes; but in the end I've accepted my fate and instead put my energy into myself.


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## Bad Religion (Dec 14, 2006)

More than I should, especially since I have bigger things to worry about like not having a job.


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## X33 (Feb 13, 2005)

It's cultural, I don't worry about not being in a relationship at all. I know by Western standards, I am at an age when I should. 
But people (relatives) have actually advised me to put off relationships till after I graduate, which will be in 2-3 maybe 4 years. There are 2 people I know from my country both of whom are very likable, outgoing and successful in their own right. One is a year younger, other is a few years older, neither have SA and neither is or has ever been in a relationship to my knowledge. 
So no, I don't worry about this.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

I don't stress about it but when a woman I like (and think we could have a fun time together and maybe more) has a boyfriend the wind goes out of my sails a little. It happended today at work. My upper mgr is this dynamite woman and we talk and laugh and help each other out with work issues. But she said today she was dating someone, just in conversation and I was like, "oh, that is great..." and I meant it but I was a little deflated. But movin on.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

I don't care as much anymore. I've moved on to other things that interest me. I sometimes have moments where it bothers me, but they are getting fewer and fewer. I used to really want a relationship, but now I don't really know. I really like having the freedom to do whatever I want with my free time. Maybe I have just been really busy, but I haven't felt as lonely lately.


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## teniralc21 (Oct 24, 2008)

I go through periods where I am perfectly content being single. But other times, especially evenings or weekends when I am alone in my apartment with no one to talk to, I wish I had someone.


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## Skurplunk (Aug 25, 2008)

I've been thinking about it a lot recently. Well...for like the past year on and off. But mostly on. I think it was easier not to worry about it so much when I was in school because I was in school and I was around people my age. I had classes to theoretically meet guys in or things like that. But now that I'm out, with two jobs, and no real relationship skills I'm kind of freaking out. I don't have any real desire to get married or have kids. But I don't have any real desire to always be alone either.

It's such a hard thing for me. I'm a very independent person. I do honestly enjoy my alone time. And I'm really private. My apartment is my safe zone. I don't like people being in it. Not my friends or my family. I can't tolerate it but I don't like it. But I also want to not be alone. I want that companionship. In the very few relationships I've had, if you can even call them that, I've had a hard time reconciling the two. I don't feel the need to be with someone EVERYDAY and it seems to cause problems. But that's even assuming that I do meet someone. Which is another thing altogether. Now that I'm out of school, I've really retreated socially. I work two jobs and both of them involves interaction with people. In the beginning there was a lot of anxiety but now I'm okay, less so with the newer job but I'm getting there. It's like I have this switch in my brain that knows when I'm at work it's not a real social situation so I can interact with people just fine. Outside of work and I guess that "professional" protection, I'm nonexistent. I don't hang around my friends from college anymore and I wouldn't even know where to begin to find someone or whatever. Unless someone comes up to me, I don't see anything changing in my future. And it's frustrating because I know the problem is me and that if I want it to change then I should change it. But I can't even imagine me initiating a friendship, let alone a relationship with someone. So I feel like while I can function in my life, I can't actually live it.

Wow...I totally didn't mean to go on like that. I thought I'd post a little reply...and it got a bit out of control.


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## Mr Deuce (Nov 14, 2008)

I don't stress about not being in a relationship because I find relationships a million times more stressful than being single :b I'd rather deal with some loneliness than stress and drama.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

Skurplunk said:


> I've been thinking about it a lot recently. Well...for like the past year on and off. But mostly on. I think it was easier not to worry about it so much when I was in school because I was in school and I was around people my age. I had classes to theoretically meet guys in or things like that. But now that I'm out, with two jobs, and no real relationship skills I'm kind of freaking out. I don't have any real desire to get married or have kids. But I don't have any real desire to always be alone either.
> 
> It's such a hard thing for me. I'm a very independent person. I do honestly enjoy my alone time. And I'm really private. My apartment is my safe zone. I don't like people being in it. Not my friends or my family. I can't tolerate it but I don't like it. But I also want to not be alone. I want that companionship. In the very few relationships I've had, if you can even call them that, I've had a hard time reconciling the two. I don't feel the need to be with someone EVERYDAY and it seems to cause problems. But that's even assuming that I do meet someone. Which is another thing altogether. Now that I'm out of school, I've really retreated socially. I work two jobs and both of them involves interaction with people. In the beginning there was a lot of anxiety but now I'm okay, less so with the newer job but I'm getting there. It's like I have this switch in my brain that knows when I'm at work it's not a real social situation so I can interact with people just fine. Outside of work and I guess that "professional" protection, I'm nonexistent. I don't hang around my friends from college anymore and I wouldn't even know where to begin to find someone or whatever. Unless someone comes up to me, I don't see anything changing in my future. And it's frustrating because I know the problem is me and that if I want it to change then I should change it. But I can't even imagine me initiating a friendship, let alone a relationship with someone. So I feel like while I can function in my life, I can't actually live it.
> 
> Wow...I totally didn't mean to go on like that. I thought I'd post a little reply...and it got a bit out of control.


I feel a lot like this, too. I don't really want kids and wonder if I could handle living with a wife for the rest of my life, but I don't want to be alone, either. The rare times I'm in a relationship, it's a great feeling. You have someone. I enjoying being alone, too. I spend most days by myself. I still get out, but even the times, like this past Friday when a friend called me wanting to hang out, at first I didn't want to go out. I was about to eat and had planned on drinking and watching a movie by myself at home, but I went out anyway because I knew I should. I'm glad I did go out because it was fun.

I know I'm stating the obvious here, but you need to find some social outlet. Church, hang out with co-workers, volunteer, meetup.com- something. It's a lot harder to meet people when you're out of school.


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## Skurplunk (Aug 25, 2008)

I've been to the meetup.com place. And some of the groups seem interesting but honestly, I don't really understand it. Largely due to my SA but I have a hard time with the idea of showing up someplace to meet a bunch of people you don't know. I can see myself showing up but I can also see myself freaking out and leaving without ever meeting anyone. Just thinking about it gets my nerves all crazy. So I've been trying to build myself up to the idea of it.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

Skurplunk said:


> I've been to the meetup.com place. And some of the groups seem interesting but honestly, I don't really understand it. Largely due to my SA but I have a hard time with the idea of showing up someplace to meet a bunch of people you don't know. I can see myself showing up but I can also see myself freaking out and leaving without ever meeting anyone. Just thinking about it gets my nerves all crazy. So I've been trying to build myself up to the idea of it.


I know what you're saying. When I moved to town and went to a new church, it was pretty stressful. You walk in there no knowing anyone.. and usually you walk out not knowing anyone. But once I got involved (volunteering, hiking, etc) I met a lot of people quickly.

If the meetup.com thing was an actual activity and not just a party it would probably be a lot easier because you have something to focus on. Unlike at a party where you always have to be talking to someone or you look pathetic. You could volunteer somewhere, which might be easier, since it _is_ an activity.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I enjoy crushes, but relationships are far from reality. Noone would be able to handle my emotionality. I think that I need meds.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

NEVER.
I love me and I can do everything for myself that a boyfriend/lover can do without the drama and the heartbreak. Sounds like a good deal to me.


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