# How should I hit on my psychologist?



## Arthur Dent

*How should I flirt with my psychologist?*

Yes that's what I'm asking, and before you ask "wtf are you doing?" Well, it was my therapist the one who told me to do it.

You'll see, to keep it short, since I'm 6 I've had a pathological fear to express interest in women. It didn't bothered me until I was 16, and it got so frustrating over the years that I finally overcame the fear of my parents finding out, and started seeing a therapist to try to fix this problem. A week ago, on our second session, I mentioned this idea I've got for quite a while that says that I can imagine people liking me, but not really loving me; then it was when it got interesting. We talked about what women want then and she told me that I need to accept the fact that I am a good looking guy and that I probably cause always a good first impression and I'm wasting that. She also told me that being attractive, a good listener, intelligent, and not a fan of getting drunk, high or smoking, I'm quite a good catch, and she insisted that all that is a truth I need to get in my head. She cleared up that she wasn't hitting on me or just complimenting me for the sake of it. I like that she's not very PC, according to her if I wasn't attractive she would just gave me the typical "what only matters is what's inside" talk. Not that she thinks the inside doesn't matter, but she acknowledges the fact that good looking people have a head-start when approaching others.

Then she told me that I need to physically loosen up because I'm too tense, and I need to improve eye contact. I try to keep it but eventually I end up looking away. And she said I need to move more loosely so I need to make dancing movements every day.

And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.

Still some friends have told me this is very unusual and that she was seemingly hitting on me (she's young and attractive, on her early 30s, maximum). And others told me it was normal. People in both sides have been to therapy so I'm not sure. Personally I think she was trying to lift my mood, and if want to get somewhere, I better start to believe what she told me. But is hard to believe one is allegedly desirable when one is alone (I recognize women have been interested in me to some degree to another).

This is, between depression, homework, and a stupid cold I think I'm just getting, I haven't really been on a mindframe to think about how to do this assignment, and the few times I've tried to I feel completely clueless, since I've never done this in my entire life (I'm 24 if that matters).

So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?


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## StNaive

I imagine that doing that might be crossing some professional boundaries, so you'll want to be sure that your psychologist knows exactly what's going on and is fully comfortable with it. She may not allow that, in which case it might be worth it to try on someone else? Maybe a friend or acquaintance? Because your therapist may have the right idea, but you _might_ be better off trying with someone else.

Of course that's just my layman's opinion, so use your judgement.


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## Daktoria

Some shrinks take advantage of confidentiality, insecurity, and plausible deniability when it comes to ethics. Regardless, I'd guess that she's in a relationship and that she's going to turn you down. The point is just to get you engaged.

I couldn't imagine how you would hit on her anyway. That's a really strange environment.


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## bent

I remember long ago I had an irritating crush on my marriage counselor that kept invading my mind during the sessions...would have made for good sketch comedy if it hadn't been real.


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## Twelve Keyz

idk that's kinda weird.


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## WanderingSoul

Damn that's hot.


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## Arthur Dent

Er, I guess you guys missed my point, for a few gigaparsecs...

I really don't think she's hitting on me, I do think she is doing a good exposure exercise, and I was asking for advice on _HOW_ to do it. But I guess this isn't really the best place to ask.



StNaive said:


> I imagine that doing that might be crossing some professional boundaries, so you'll want to be sure that your psychologist knows exactly what's going on and is fully comfortable with it. She may not allow that, in which case it might be worth it to try on someone else? Maybe a friend or acquaintance? Because your therapist may have the right idea, but you _might_ be better off trying with someone else.
> 
> Of course that's just my layman's opinion, so use your judgement.


I'll just pretend to flirt with her, and she'll tell me what am I doing right and what wrong. I can see why it would be better with someone else, but I don't have female friends, and any acquaintance of me is close enough for me to tell her about my issues, not to mention I wouldn't even consider acquaintances the two girls I rarely cross a few words with at college.


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## arealghost

Came to this thread thinking you meant punch your psychologist


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## InTheEvening

She wants the D.

Sounds like a pretty awkward scenario to me, but maybe you'll get something out of it


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## arnie

InTheEvening said:


> She wants the D.
> 
> Sounds like a pretty awkward scenario to me, but maybe you'll get something out of it


Nice.

When you hit on her, don't just use your words. Try touching her lightly on the arm and see if she responds well physically or if she's tense. That will let you know if she really wants it or is just roleplaying.


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## TenYears

Uhmm....no, just...no.

I actually have some experience with this. I went to third base with my psychiatrist, when I was 16 years old. It happened in her office. She ended up resigning (or getting fired, I'm not sure which). She's the one that came forward and told everyone. I lived in a small town, so it was a very big deal.

Trust me, you DONT want to do this. It's a really, really, really bad idea.


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## Occasional Hope

Sounds to me like she's either really into you or she's an interesting therapist. I think if she is genuinely just trying to help you then it's great that she's trying something less formal. Especially if she gives you feedback on the specific things you're doing wrong (if you're doing anything wrong of course).

As far the main answer to your question, how you go about hitting on her, goes I'm sorry but I can't really give many tips as I haven't been in that situation myself. I'd probably be posting a thread on here asking for help too


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## TrueAstralKnight

Daktoria said:


> Some shrinks take advantage of confidentiality, insecurity, and plausible deniability when it comes to ethics. Regardless, I'd guess that she's in a relationship and that she's going to turn you down. The point is just to get you engaged.
> 
> *I couldn't imagine how you would hit on her anyway. That's a really strange environment.*


"So... You come here often?"

"I work here."

Yeah that seems kinda strange to me. I prefer having same gender therapists.


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## Just Lurking

Arthur Dent said:


> So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?


This is transference.

I would suggest you read up about this, and then openly acknowledge it with her. It may help you in the end.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/201206/clients-guide-transference



> ...this is where the client develops romantic feelings for the therapist. It happens. More often than you think. Let's say we've got a client longing to be known, with a history of misunderstandings or rejections, and we sit them down with a professional listener and understander. OF COURSE there are going to be some positive feelings. Maybe even feelings or fantasies of taking this exquisite understanding home. Living every day with this understanding in peace and harmony. Even merging with this understanding in an intimate, passionate way. The desire to connect with a caring person in a meaningful way is completely valid. But acting on it in a sexual way with a therapist is never an option.
> 
> What's the problem with transference? Rather than connecting with the person, we're relating to a template, which may be quite different from the flesh and blood in front of us. You're treating Jane Doe like she's your mother, or your grade school rival, or an idealized object of desire, when she's actually none of the above - she's Jane Doe. It prevents you from really connecting with Jane in a meaningful way. But it's not always bad. Transference in therapy can be incredibly helpful, pointing us in the direction of unhealed wounds. It can transport therapy from lecture to laboratory.


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## Just Lurking

^ Since I can't edit that, for whatever reason...

I would add that you are there to help yourself for the long term, not to pick up a date. If she's a good therapist, it won't matter anyway because she'll recognize it and use it to your own advantage.


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## Permanent Pajamas

This is completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even start a thread about this.

What foolishness.


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## sudo nym

whip it out and dangle it in her face


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## Irvine

This is not good


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## Miss Awesome

Arthur Dent said:


> Yes that's what I'm asking, and before you ask "wtf are you doing?" Well, it was my therapist the one who told me to do it.
> 
> You'll see, to keep it short, since I'm 6 I've had a pathological fear to express interest in women. It didn't bothered me until I was 16, and it got so frustrating over the years that I finally overcame the fear of my parents finding out, and started seeing a therapist to try to fix this problem. A week ago, on our second session, I mentioned this idea I've got for quite a while that says that I can imagine people liking me, but not really loving me; then it was when it got interesting. We talked about what women want then and she told me that I need to accept the fact that I am a good looking guy and that I probably cause always a good first impression and I'm wasting that. She also told me that being attractive, a good listener, intelligent, and not a fan of getting drunk, high or smoking, I'm quite a good catch, and she insisted that all that is a truth I need to get in my head. She cleared up that she wasn't hitting on me or just complimenting me for the sake of it. I like that she's not very PC, according to her if I wasn't attractive she would just gave me the typical "what only matters is what's inside" talk. Not that she thinks the inside doesn't matter, but she acknowledges the fact that good looking people have a head-start when approaching others.
> 
> Then she told me that I need to physically loosen up because I'm too tense, and I need to improve eye contact. I try to keep it but eventually I end up looking away. And she said I need to move more loosely so I need to make dancing movements every day.
> 
> And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.
> 
> Still some friends have told me this is very unusual and that she was seemingly hitting on me (she's young and attractive, on her early 30s, maximum). And others told me it was normal. People in both sides have been to therapy so I'm not sure. Personally I think she was trying to lift my mood, and if want to get somewhere, I better start to believe what she told me. But is hard to believe one is allegedly desirable when one is alone (I recognize women have been interested in me to some degree to another).
> 
> This is, between depression, homework, and a stupid cold I think I'm just getting, I haven't really been on a mindframe to think about how to do this assignment, and the few times I've tried to I feel completely clueless, since I've never done this in my entire life (I'm 24 if that matters).
> 
> So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?


I think you should ask her about using the empty chair technique instead. This essentially allows you to play both roles - the person hitting on a girl and the girl being hit on. Then the therapist can jump in and critique, ask questions, guide you, etcetera, but it allows you to avoid the weirdness of actually directing the "hitting on" toward the therapist.

I'm studying counseling, and I can't imagine a situation where I would ask a client to hit on me, even as practice or role-playing. Obviously becoming involved with a client is unethical and crosses the line, so I would want to avoid anything that even came close to that line.


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## Arthur Dent

Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other. 

I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some of you are. Jeez.


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## Permanent Pajamas

:wife


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## arnie

Arthur Dent said:


> Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other.
> 
> I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some f you are. Jeez.


Tell her that you're suffering from confidence issues in the bedroom and you need to "role-play" some sexual situations.


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## catcharay

Y'all adent needs suggestions on how to approach this flirting homework..

My suggestion is not to blurt corny lines but instead to maximise body language cues first and foremost. 

Start by approaching this lady asking how her day has been (open ended questions) whilst smiling and maintaining eye contact. 

If she is not busy..ask her to go for a coffee with you right then and there.. 
I think that just being genuine and openly showing interest will go along way to getting a number.

Hopefully, this was at all helpful.


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## TenYears

OK, I tried to warn you...If u don't need anymore feedback...

hit it, and lemme know how it works out fo ya


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## TenYears

It's gonna be a sad, sad ending...got my kleenex out....


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## Miss Awesome

Arthur Dent said:


> Alright, I think many of you are completely blowing this out of proportion. What am I going to do, is to make some role-play with her, and if you ask me there's hardly any better for of safe exposure therapy. She may see some attractive qualities in me, but I sincerely doubt she's after me and even less that she's taking advantage of me. I mean cm'on, this would be only our third appointment, we barely know each other.
> 
> I was just asking for suggestions on how to flirt with a woman in general terms, wasted my time for what I see. This Thursday I will be posting how it went, and this may not very mature, but mostly to show you how wrong some of you are. Jeez.


Do what you do, but after reading your original post again, your therapist doesn't sound like she's very good at her job.

Good counselors know that they need to help their clients come to their own conclusions - not tell their clients what what they think, insist it's true, and then tell them that they need to "get that into your head."

Good counselors don't just tell you point blank what you need to do. Again, they help you come to your own conclusions about what action to take in order to get the results you want. They might make suggestions during this process, but they typically don't just tell you what to do.

If that worked, my counselor could just tell me, "You're not socially awkward. Get that into your head. You need to loosen up when you're in social situations," and I'd be on the road to getting better. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.


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## jimity

Throw her on the couch


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## Arthur Dent

I'm still a virgin and my psych didn't raped me, bummer 

Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:

First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.

For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet". 

Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.

However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop  ), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now. 

At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.

Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.

I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.


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## lde22

For tips on how to flirt read this:
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html


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## Pam

Arthur Dent said:


> I'm still a virgin and my psych didn't raped me, bummer
> 
> Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:
> 
> First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.
> 
> For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet".
> 
> Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.
> 
> However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop  ), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now.
> 
> At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.
> 
> Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.
> 
> I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.


Wow, this sounds like it went very well--you learned so much. I couldn't imagine role-playing that kind of thing--romantic. So I had no idea how that would be done in a professional way. But it sounds like it was very professional. As long as there is no attraction between you 2, it's ok. I don't think I could do it without laughing tho.  I have had therapists ask me if I wanted to role-play a job interview, but I simply could & would not do it. (I used to work when I was younger, but not for years now).

Also, where are all the jokers and naysayers who made dumb comments earlier in the thread now? I think it's great that you had the guts to actually try the role playing, and I'm so glad she kept it professional. Her tips like to make sure you don't wring your hands are very helpful!

One thing to look forward to is when you can do this in real life, it will be much more fun than with her, lol. :b


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## noscreenname

Unlike the "my therapist asked me if I masturbated thread" there is context within this. She has asked you repeatedly to tell her if you are uncomfortable with any of this so I say there is no problem with any of this. If you don't at any time want to continue with it just tell her you aren't comfortable and move on to something else.


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## Arthur Dent

I'm glad some of you like how this is going. But there's something important about it, like I said:



> ...technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deeply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.


I did not enjoyed that part in the slightest, I feel that I'm being manipulative if I act that way. Is not only the anxiety, I have a principles problem with this.

Also, thinking about this I've realized than more important that learning how to approach women (which it is necessary), it's more imperative for me to regain my self esteem and learn to don't put my self of self worth relying on of a woman likes me or not. Basically, I need to learn how to stop feeling miserable about being single. I still will try the proposed exercise the next appointment, but I also will tell this thoughts I had.


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## Lassitude

This makes sense, and the therapist is only trying to help improve his confidence.

Tips?
Probably smile, maintain that eye contact, smile & introduce yourself "Say hi, my name is ----and I thought you seemed like an interesting person to talk to", then smile again 
then maybe make a joke like "I thought I'd spare you the 'do you come here often?' line as, let's be honest, it's been done to death 

She sounds thoroughly professional, cool, unstuffy, and thinking outside the box a little (so to speak)

All the best of luck


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## Bloodyneptune

I misread the title of this thread as "How I should hit my therapist?" I'm a tad disappointed now.


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## arnie

Bloodyneptune said:


> I misread the title of this thread as "How I should hit my therapist?" I'm a tad disappointed now.


Nah, this is even more entertaining, lol. :b


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## VanGogh

So how come this thread, where the therapist is female (and patient is male), is taken positively & the therapist is discussed in a (mostly) positive light whereas in another similar thread on the forum where the therapist is male (and the patient female), it's mostly looked upon with disgust of the therapist asking 1 in-context question about the patient's sexual behavior?


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## millenniumman75

*no es un buen idea!

With some therapy, this can happen, but esta PELIGROSO (it's dangerous) to go on it like that. That is for discussion at the most, NOTHING that crosses the line or you may be finding yourself with another doctor.


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## TobeyJuarez

i wish i had a therapist who had let me hit on her... i wouldnt have had to learn to talk to girls the hard way lol


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## dal user

reminds me of the scene from step brothers where he tries to hit on his counsellor


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## HilarityEnsues

When she isn't looking whip your **** out and place it on her shoulder.


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## Elad

First instinct is to say that you have a friend with severe oral anxiety who needs intense one on one sessions, his name is dick and he lives right under your belt.

but being serious way to go arthur, sounds like this could be very helpful and it went well so far, hopefully next time is even better. I wish I tried something like this (just not with the 50yr old psych I had) lol.

only thing I'd be weary of is getting in some way attached to her and the attention, because it can happen pretty subtlety and quickly if you aren't talking to anyone else


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## Numb Old Man

I would flip her over my knee for a good spanking. She definately needs it.


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## Arthur Dent

So this is what happened on Thursday:

As I had predicted it, we didn't end up having time to do the role playing. She asked me how I've been and I answered that awful, since the most of the last weeks I've been pretty much only shifting between overwhelming stress about school or overwhelming episodes of depression. She pointed out that more than depression sounded like melancholic episodes product of my cognitive distortions. I agree with her but in any case she told me that whenever I'm feeling like that, instead of just sit here letting the misery eat me up, I must distract myself with whatever activity, preferably by going outside. Seems pretty damn obvious but when I'm in that state I barely can think.

Exploring those cognitive distortions she asked me to tell her my qualities... and I got mute. I don't consider myself the worst thing around, but neither I see anything remarkable about me, just average; and I feel quite uncomfortable complimenting myself. Although when I achieve some things I'm capable of be proud of myself. It's hard for me to distinguish the line between modesty and self loathing. Trying to get over that I told her that I'm a good listener, responsible, and willing to help others. Then we discussed that if many different people keeps telling me that I am intelligent, that if I'm one of the very few who hasn't failed a course in my class and I'm doing great in what many people consider a very difficult career, I must accept that I'm an intelligent person, so I have to say "I am intelligent" instead of "people say I'm intelligent". She made the distinction that I'm intellectually intelligent, but I have a lot to do on my emotional intelligence (the way I see it I'm freaking retarded when it comes to that one). After telling her as well my defects (I emphasized my impatience), she also said that I need to improve my introspection, because if I only focus on the bad things, and of course that's wrong.

Then I told her how uncomfortable I had felt in the previous exercise at the end when I was the most flirty, and how I had felt very lame, fake, and manipulative. She got my point and explained me that I missed the part when she said that at that point we were pretending that we already knew each other for a while, as she agrees with me that going and complimenting someone you just knew as if you knew them deeply is plain lame and won't work for a thing. She made clear once again at when I just get to know someone I only have to be friendly and look out for common interests and experiences. Here she gave me my first assignment, which is to to read a chapter of a book about introspection and based on that make a more detailed analysis of myself. Along with that she also told me to look for a motivational quote or make one myself and repeat it to me 40 times each day for a week, and then use another quote. That way it's supposed to start breaking the negativity rooted in my mind.

Once again she asked me if there's any girl around who could be interested in me. After all the fuss made by some people I do see her insistence about the subject kinda dodgy, but I just said no and forgot to say that unless the girl would tell it directly to me, I simply won't realize. And then it got ugly... for me. She gave me a final assignment. She asked me if then there's any girl at my university who had called my attention, I told her that there are a couple, so her answer was that during at least a week, every day I have to approach two girls and greet them with a hi, a good morning or whatever, in the same way you greet a neighbour passing by (just to clarify they'd be all the time the same two girls). I knew an assignment like this will eventually come, and it absolutely terrifies me. A very important part of the process we're making is that I need to stop living in function of others and stop worrying so much about what would they think of me, and do things for myself, because I want to, without limiting myself so much by making assumptions about others. This seems even more evident because that's exactly why this assignment scares me so much.

I simply can't stop worrying about what would these girls think if a complete stranger (who they may or not have seen around, but I think that's irrelevant) approaches them and out of the blue greets them for no apparent reason. All I can think about is that they will find it very strange, assume an attitude of "wtf is up with this guy" and conclude that I'm trying to hit on them on a very clumsy and lame way. I'm aware of how I am jumping into conclusions here, but I'm incapable of imagining them reacting positively or indifferently to a complete stranger doing that (the psych warned me about the obvious possibility that neither of them could answer, but I do have to at least try). I get very nervous by just thinking about it, and the prospect of not trying and face the psychologist after that makes me quite nervous as well. As you can see, I can't think of the reasons of why I should do the assignment but why other would want me to do it or not. I have three weeks to do this, so I think I will check first the book thing to see if it gives me any insight to clam myself. Finally, she told me "and remember that we still have pending the second role playing, you're not gonna save yourself from it".


----------



## zeebraynz

TenYears said:


> Uhmm....no, just...no.
> 
> I actually have some experience with this. I went to third base with my psychiatrist, when I was 16 years old. It happened in her office. She ended up resigning (or getting fired, I'm not sure which). She's the one that came forward and told everyone. I lived in a small town, so it was a very big deal.
> 
> Trust me, you DONT want to do this. It's a really, really, really bad idea.


Thats a trip dude cuz afterwards you have to pay her right? so... isnt it like you kinda bought a prostitute that kinda cheated you out of your money...Idk i thought it was interesting: the similarities.

As for the role playing well if you are gonna go through with it i suggest first introducing your self, ask what she's into or does, and tell her that you think she's attractive and get her number. You are just hitting on her not trying to **** her on the couch so i do not think you should really be trying that much physical contact. I think the most physical contact that would be acceptable would be maybe a hand on her waist since the role play would be that of a stranger right?


----------



## Gorefiend

Well, after reading your thread I have to comment your dilemma related to your second assignment.. Seeing as it's already 12 days into this, you might have already done it.
However, I just want to point out that saying hello to a stranger does not have to be that big of a deal to them. People without troubles of the mind tend to think less (or worry less) about such things, because they don't have to. So a mere hello from a stranger won't matter too much to them. Maybe they do find it strange, and maybe they initially won't respond out of shock (depends a lot on how common this is in your culture and such). But they won't give it any more thought than that. And if you say hello repeatedly (a friendly gesture) they might get a positive feeling towards you, you are after all being polite and friendly. It often just takes some getting used to. They won't automatically assume you're hitting on them and that you're bad at it. Even if the thought crosses their mind, it will only be for a second; and girls are insecure too, so they won't necessarily accept that as the truth. I think, when approaching girls in your situation, small and friendly gestures like that can be of great help. You'll eventually feel more comfortable with it and be able to take larger steps. It might be good to give this some practice online, though, if you're open to this.. Sign up at a site and innocently befriend and maybe make small and flirty gestures. 
Either way, like your psychologist says, the first step should be getting to know a girl as a friend and then looking for some form of common ground through interests or experiences. 

I hope this works out for you, but if you need any specific advice feel free to ask.

Since I have some of the same problems as you, I'll tell you how I approach this.
First and foremost, I'll contact someone I like with an excuse. It can be anything from something to do with studies to something related to the situation ("is this seat taken?", "Is the professor sick today or?" things like that). Afterwards I judge whether or not they seem perceptive to me contacting them; you can kinda tell if someone is judging you, open to you or simply insecure or shy. If you can't tell, then I suggest you try to pick up on some body language signs and voice signs; their tone, if they look relaxed when answering you and such. If the result is positive I will look for more opportunities in the near future to approach them.. And then I try to be friendly with them and ask them questions to keep the conversation flowing. It might work and it might lead to something like a Facebook add, in which case it's easier to do these things online.

As for flirting with your psychologist, the only steps I'd take would be to approach her (in the role play mode) in a friendly manner, ask her about friendly things, and try to look for an opening (the greatest sign of interest is when someone tries to let you know that you guys might have something in common or that they express interest.. Example: I like this book I'm reading right now (title) Girl: What's it about? It sounds really interest. Sometimes also hints about future in a joking sense "We should boycott this assignment together!" - an including gesture, and of course informing you that they have qualities you seek). I hope any of this can be of help, I know I'm a bit messy when trying to give advice so if something didn't make sense feel free to ask me to rephrase or elaborate.


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## Twinkiesex

Hi I'm bipolar...can I put a baby inside you?


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## Staticnz

Permanent Pajamas said:


> This is completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even start a thread about this.
> 
> What foolishness.


I don't agree. It's a strange circumstance and it's good that he's looking for advice.

I was totally conflicted about what to feel about this. However, based on the OP's description of what happened, it does sound like this woman is genuinely trying to get him out of his comfort zone, and not doing anything dodgy.

Just if it gets weird I'd get out of there...


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## Arthur Dent

Gorefiend said:


> Well, after reading your thread I have to comment your dilemma related to your second assignment.. Seeing as it's already 12 days into this, you might have already done it.
> However, I just want to point out that saying hello to a stranger does not have to be that big of a deal to them. People without troubles of the mind tend to think less (or worry less) about such things, because they don't have to. So a mere hello from a stranger won't matter too much to them. Maybe they do find it strange, and maybe they initially won't respond out of shock (depends a lot on how common this is in your culture and such). But they won't give it any more thought than that. And if you say hello repeatedly (a friendly gesture) they might get a positive feeling towards you, you are after all being polite and friendly. It often just takes some getting used to. They won't automatically assume you're hitting on them and that you're bad at it. Even if the thought crosses their mind, it will only be for a second; and girls are insecure too, so they won't necessarily accept that as the truth. I think, when approaching girls in your situation, small and friendly gestures like that can be of great help. You'll eventually feel more comfortable with it and be able to take larger steps. It might be good to give this some practice online, though, if you're open to this.. Sign up at a site and innocently befriend and maybe make small and flirty gestures.
> Either way, like your psychologist says, the first step should be getting to know a girl as a friend and then looking for some form of common ground through interests or experiences.
> 
> I hope this works out for you, but if you need any specific advice feel free to ask.
> 
> Since I have some of the same problems as you, I'll tell you how I approach this.
> First and foremost, I'll contact someone I like with an excuse. It can be anything from something to do with studies to something related to the situation ("is this seat taken?", "Is the professor sick today or?" things like that). Afterwards I judge whether or not they seem perceptive to me contacting them; you can kinda tell if someone is judging you, open to you or simply insecure or shy. If you can't tell, then I suggest you try to pick up on some body language signs and voice signs; their tone, if they look relaxed when answering you and such. If the result is positive I will look for more opportunities in the near future to approach them.. And then I try to be friendly with them and ask them questions to keep the conversation flowing. It might work and it might lead to something like a Facebook add, in which case it's easier to do these things online.
> 
> As for flirting with your psychologist, the only steps I'd take would be to approach her (in the role play mode) in a friendly manner, ask her about friendly things, and try to look for an opening (the greatest sign of interest is when someone tries to let you know that you guys might have something in common or that they express interest.. Example: I like this book I'm reading right now (title) Girl: What's it about? It sounds really interest. Sometimes also hints about future in a joking sense "We should boycott this assignment together!" - an including gesture, and of course informing you that they have qualities you seek). I hope any of this can be of help, I know I'm a bit messy when trying to give advice so if something didn't make sense feel free to ask me to rephrase or elaborate.


For some reason I didn't saw there were new replies here :/ I wasn't capable to do it, but still thanks for the advice



Twinkiesex said:


> Hi I'm bipolar...can I put a baby inside you?


I'm not bipolar <.<

.......................​
Yesterday I saw the psychologist again. There wasn't this time either a flirting role playing so if that's what you were hoping to read you can carry on with your things. :b She started asking me how I've been, specially since the academic load was being really hard for me the last time we saw each other. I told her it's been normal and bearable again, and then I told her how that first week since the last appointment I felt quite well, controlling better my emotions and not having melancholic episodes, but then after the moving that weekend I got distracted by the stress of it and stopped doing the part of telling myself several times a day a motivational line; the two following weeks were quite stressful since I was pending if I saw the girls at college, I barely saw them alone, and failing to do the assignment made me feel really bad about myself. She asked me if I've kept getting these melancholic episodes, I told her they have been less frequent, and as she asked me, I explained her that these episodes are usually triggered when either I see a girl talking about someone she likes, or when a guy finds someone without making any apparent effort, while I have to do it the hard way by approaching complete strangers. From this point she wanted to make a review of what we've been doing. She made clear that her purpose is not to change me and make me an extroverted outgoing person, she said that I do not need to change who I am, but I need to realize that my fears and cognitive distortions are not a part of me, and that I can be freely myself if I make my part and let her help me. She said as well that I need to expand my perspective about myself and see more than the bad things, while at the same time, stop focusing so much on others and comparing myself to them, also remembering me that she just want me to face my fears by saying hi to the girls, not to win them and get a girlfriend right away.

Among other things, when I mentioned once again how I have this two main thoughts that are screwing me for the post part: this two ideas, that I am aware are false, are that every single time I interact with a woman in any other context outside a formal one (like business, work, academic, bureaucracy...), she'll instantly assume that I'm hitting on her, and the second idea is that she won't like at all me hitting on her. As I said that I was clueless where did those thought exactly came from, she concluded (quiet well if you ask me) that when those classmates bothered me 18 years ago for having my female friend, there was where I got the idea that everyone will assume that just by talking to them I'm hitting on a girl; and my assumption that they won't like being approached by me comes from my low self esteem. She told me that to be honest, most women will entertain the thought that if a stranger approaches them it's quite likely that he did it with a romantic intention, and they may even overthink about it, but as I need to keep remembering, what others think should not be my main concern, and also most people do enjoy that sort of attention. Then she told me that with my height and overall looks I make an impact and cause a first good impression, but all that gets lost when I don't say a word and don't make eye contact. She also said many women will find the shyness and introversion attractive as long as I show confidence, not as a man that never fails or pretends to do so, but as a man that is not afraid of failing. She said that my intelligence, maturity and culture will be greatly appreciated, but I need to don't be afraid of be myself to show that, without showing off. She asked me about my academic performance, and told me that I can be as proud and confident of the rest of myself as I am as a student.

Continuing with the self analysis part, I said that although I see the point in the classical "if you want, you can", I wonder if the people who say that have actually ever faced a paralysing fear, I mean, is not like I'm making excuses, I do want to change, and I'd like to believe that I'm committed to it, but that quote seems simplistic to me, and yet I told her I was afraid she would thought I'm not committed enough and therefore wouldn't want to help me anymore. But she calmed me saying that she completely understands that changing it's not easy, and even if I don't see it I'm making progress, because although I didn't faced my fears directly yet, I am aware of what I have to do and I've been understanding the process. Here I remembered and told her that I actually was quite decided to talk to both girls at some point but unfortunately they had left by the moment I was about to do it, and explained her that I don't feel I can do it if there's a guy or more than two girls around them. She understood and told me that it's ok, she won't ask me to approach them in the middle of a crowd, and I can do it just when I feel comfortable about, just that I need to not stop to think that much or I'll keep wasting opportunities, and that we'll work later on how to do it without me minding so much not only the person I'm talking to but also the surrounding ones. She insisted that she wants me to be free, not to be a different person, and then instructed me to read more about the book and made the respective self analysis. Here I asked her, doubtfully and sort of mumbling about the role playing part, since I feel like doing it and have some ideas about how to make it, despite how nervous it makes me, and she told me that we can and we will do it some other time, but that without analysing and challenging my thoughts the role playing won't really go anywhere. We'll see each other in a month, I guess during Towel Day.


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## bobbythegr8

lol


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## Arthur Dent

ok...


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## millenniumman75

I think the OP could end up, like, hypnotized or something. At the sound of a doorbell, he could cackle like a chicken or something.


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## Nono441

Is it weird if this thread is turning me on?


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## DeniseAfterAll

Arthur Dent said:


> Yes that's what I'm asking, and before you ask "wtf are you doing?" Well, it was my therapist the one who told me to do it.
> 
> You'll see, to keep it short, since I'm 6 I've had a pathological fear to express interest in women. It didn't bothered me until I was 16, and it got so frustrating over the years that I finally overcame the fear of my parents finding out, and started seeing a therapist to try to fix this problem. A week ago, on our second session, I mentioned this idea I've got for quite a while that says that I can imagine people liking me, but not really loving me; then it was when it got interesting. We talked about what women want then and she told me that I need to accept the fact that I am a good looking guy and that I probably cause always a good first impression and I'm wasting that. She also told me that being attractive, a good listener, intelligent, and not a fan of getting drunk, high or smoking, I'm quite a good catch, and she insisted that all that is a truth I need to get in my head. She cleared up that she wasn't hitting on me or just complimenting me for the sake of it. I like that she's not very PC, according to her if I wasn't attractive she would just gave me the typical "what only matters is what's inside" talk. Not that she thinks the inside doesn't matter, but she acknowledges the fact that good looking people have a head-start when approaching others.
> 
> Then she told me that I need to physically loosen up because I'm too tense, and I need to improve eye contact. I try to keep it but eventually I end up looking away. And she said I need to move more loosely so I need to make dancing movements every day.
> 
> And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.
> 
> Still some friends have told me this is very unusual and that she was seemingly hitting on me (she's young and attractive, on her early 30s, maximum). And others told me it was normal. People in both sides have been to therapy so I'm not sure. Personally I think she was trying to lift my mood, and if want to get somewhere, I better start to believe what she told me. But is hard to believe one is allegedly desirable when one is alone (I recognize women have been interested in me to some degree to another).
> 
> This is, between depression, homework, and a stupid cold I think I'm just getting, I haven't really been on a mindframe to think about how to do this assignment, and the few times I've tried to I feel completely clueless, since I've never done this in my entire life (I'm 24 if that matters).
> 
> So I am open to suggestions, what do you think I should do?


Don't want to really advise anything, but that sounded kinky.


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## LonelyDuckling

This all sounds like a B-rated porno in the making, Iiiii LIKE IT.


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## Arthur Dent

Ok I will just say it. If you haven't read the rest of the posts where I tell how is therapy going on, giving context to the first post, and you think this is a joke and don't have anything meaningful or helpful to say, well then better don't say anything.


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## JohnnyR

Well if i had a therapist who said that to me I think I'll be like right I think I've got over my anxiety now, but a sex therapist would be really helpful haha jokes aside though! all this hard ****ing work about approaching women seems so much hard work on a minute portion of the whole problem. I mean first question why do you really really want a woman ? is it to make yourself feel better ?


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## Arthur Dent

JohnnyR said:


> Well if i had a therapist who said that to me I think I'll be like right I think I've got over my anxiety now, but a sex therapist would be really helpful haha jokes aside though! all this hard ****ing work about approaching women seems so much hard work on a minute portion of the whole problem. I mean first question why do you really really want a woman ? is it to make yourself feel better ?


Well in my case the whole problem is pretty much my inability to so interact socially with women, I can do things like speaking in public or be in a crowd, so more than a minute it's almost working in the entire problem, and I think the work is more than justified.

And why I want a woman, well, my loneliness and inability to socialize with them causes me a great deal of distress. But people say that one must be happy by oneself and love oneself before being able to be happy with someone else. Also it's said that people get this need for love from pop culture and things like that. That could be true for some but I call bollocks on both things. After having interacted with online friends, and get really close with a couple of them, there's a level of closeness that goes beyond friendship, that knowledge of meaning more to someone that everyone else does. I am not leaving my sense of self worth on my relationships status, but at the same time performing well in other areas of my life isn't enough. For me it's a matter of balance, several things contribute to happiness; a single one won't guarantee it, but it's absence will leave an emptiness that denies this happiness, and for me love it's a key part of this. I am quite aware relationships are not fairy tales, all human relationships present difficulties, but I still like to think that the pros are more than the cons. Not to mention that so far all the people who have told me the "be happy first on your own" don't know what is to be single all your life, and what's having this hard time knowing other people. For them finding a partner is just something it eventually happens after trying for a while. Yes I know, it should be the same for me...

Also I'm on my mid twenties, I've been horny since I was teenager.


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## JohnnyR

Well I am not going to compare what how you view relationships to others view relationships. I know alot of people say alot of things without really carrying it out! But I am not speaking about the fact that you actually want a woman but it is important to ask yourself why you want a woman. Sometimes you don't really know until you you actually get one. However I am not necessarily speaking of wanting one as the problem but it seems yours has gone beyond that it has became this 'goal'; an objective. This isn't healthy. How can it be ? The women you go to meet you are kind of using as a means to an end! I don't think that is fair. You can practise talking to women without the pursuit of using them. This constant chase for a woman is bound to put more strain on you than you already are putting on yourself. Can you not see the paradox, you are saying that women will make you happy but the actual chase for a woman is making you unhappy. You say that people don't understand who haven't been lonely for that long. Funnily enough they ARE the people that know that relationships don't make you happy. Once you get your woman and thew pain,emptiness is still there. You'll look to the next thing to cover the emptiness. Sometimes this just happens and you don't find out until it happens that this is the case. i have had several relationships and believe me it is the most beautiful thing cuddling up to someone you really care about on a night. But my god they come with their problems especially when i had problems of my own.


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## DeniseAfterAll

My honest opinion? Life won't last. I think you should go ahead and take the chance, given that she's totally fine with it . . and have weighed out any possible risks of emotional, legal, and personal nature. 

You're a lucky guy


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## Arthur Dent

DeniseAfterAll said:


> My honest opinion? Life won't last. I think you should go ahead and take the chance, given that she's totally fine with it . . and have weighed out any possible risks of emotional, legal, and personal nature.
> 
> You're a lucky guy


You seem to be completely misinterpreting my psychologist's intentions, I think I had cleared them up in previous posts.

Yesterday I finally talked with one of the girls. It was actually the one I'd thought I'll have less chances to because she's usually with more people around her than the other one. I was walking towards the library hoping to find a free table where to sit and work with my laptop when I saw her sit on a nearby chair working on some sort of small structure. She was alone; yet I couldn't get myself to talk to her, she was leaning to the ground focused on her project and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just kept walking towards the library feeling like a loser and a failure.

It turned out there weren't tables available at the library (it's a small one), so I stepped outside the door, wondering where should I go then. She still was there, working on her project. I had the option of going to another building without passing next to her. But I guess seeing her alone, despite being busy, motivated me to cut the crap, stop thinking and go there. Well it wasn't a mindless act, I turned off my phone to pretend it had ran out of battery and that I coincidentally noticed it right when I was walking next to her. and this is what happened:

She was again leaning to the ground checking her structure thingy, so she wasn't actually in the best position to talk with someone who were walking by; I had to lean weirdly, and I said something like "Excuse me, would you know what time is it?". She having her head close to the ground, and me being tall, despite I was leaning towards her, made me think she hand't hear me because for what seemed like an eternity (and were actually less than two seconds) she didn't react. Then she sit still leaning towards her left and looked at me but not directly to my face. I felt I had to said something and my turned off phone in my hand I mumbled "this thing's battery died", which I don't know if she even understood because the volume and the vocalization when I was saying that dropped dramatically as I said it. There she started reaching for her phone, which was precisely where she was leaning towards so it took her about five even more eternal seconds to get, while none of us said anything at all, I think all that time I was looking at the ground and then at her phone, I wasn't capable of making eye contact during that awkward silence. After that torture she read the hour, looked at me and said "12:56 pm". While she said that I was capable of maintaining eye contact, and then I told her "thank you very much", still looking at her and I think I kinda said that smiling. Then I walked away, thinking "well now you can't said that I didn't at least try, is everyone happy now?". Some meters away I felt a burst of adrenaline striking my body from my hearth, it felt like if my body had been holding the breath during the whole thing.

Then I remembered what others had told me. I realized that being so nervous I really can't stop to see if I'm smiling, or being spontaneous, or being myself, or just going with the flow or any of that stuff. I'm just too damn anxious to think of what am I doing, I can barely function and I don't even know how I did it. And no, it wasn't fun AT ALL. I don't feel it's going to be easier next time, because I doubt there will be a next time; doing things this way I mean. The impression that I got is that she realized it was all an very lame staged act to try to talk with her. I don't think it actually bothered, but she wasn't thrilled either, to me her attitude all along was "oh, ok", just surprised and nothing else. Which yes, isn't a bad thing itself, but not a good one either. I don't feel any motivation to talk again with this girl, and not feeling particularly motivated either to talk with the other one. Right now I'm seeing the whole thing as pointless because even if I was somehow capable of facing my fears, the reason behind those fears it's till there, and being extremely powerful. I still can't stop thinking of what will others think of me, as you can see I still have my self esteem in the gutter, and I think that I can try to talk that way with any amount of girls, just to feel the same way afterwards because my worries will still be there unless I change my mindset first, something I'm quite clueless about how to do it. Actually the original idea was to just say hi to the girls. I thought asking for the hour would make it less random. I still think it's a good idea, but unfortunately nothing will really work since I'm still obsessed whit what would they think of me, which I can never imagine as being something good. Although I have the slight impression that one of the girls has noticed that I glance at her and she doesn't seem bothered by it, but all the opposite. But that doesn't mean much to me since I've been wrong about making those conclusions before.

I really don't know what to do next. if anything I feel that after today I've giving up on approaching complete strangers until I talk again with the psych.


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## catcharay

Well done, please don't give up with just randomly asking people/girls for the time. After many attempts with the initial stages, you might want to progress further with convos when your adrenaline/anxieties has settled a little with simpler situations. But in a general social context, I don't think ppl really hit randoms up all too often at all and even those without much anxiety would use this method to meet ppl (like what you see in the movies)
It used to be difficult for me to ask randoms about the time/directions but not anymore. If you plan to chat up with girls, it will be much more difficult; it would be for me still if I was trying to meet guys most definitely. It's just a really hard avenue for anxious ppl like us. Meeting ppl in class or through friends are much easier modes of meeting - where there is a higher chance of commonality between the two of you. Just hang in there and don't stop practicing automatically (without inner thoughts) asking randoms the time until it's less stressful for you. 

My anxieties are extremely bad at this point and I'm seeing a psychologist soon too. Hopefully it proves helpful after I assess a few consults, but I'm kind of skeptical lol good luck!


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## Arthur Dent

You know, I had an appointment more than a week ago, but I wasn't fully focused so I left out a lot of the things that have been bothering me. Since then I just couldn't find the motivation to write about it in detail. Basically I still have the same fears and she told me to act despite them. It basically only worked out for me to feel very frustrated and mad to myself for being such a wuss. I just don't feel capable to approach a complete, total and absolute stranger, I feel I'm stuck in the worst possible situation fir my problem, and don't have the slightest palliative. I've checked, there are simply not any groups of my interest in my country where I could met people. I feel I reached a stalemate, and I don't know what's going to happen, I don't have any optimism and I think when my therapist sees this attitude when will give up on me because I don't have the will to do my part and help myself.

It seems to me that everyone here likes go drinking and clubbing. And the few nerds that are around seem to be only into anime and role playing games, and none of those are my thing. There's my university's exchange program, which-is how I hope to get a job abroad after school. But if I don't know somebody there I don't see it happening after that, and the prospect of just sit and wait to get lucky like some guy I know, until I'm on my late 20s, it really really sucks, including that I never get lucky. So I realize how screwed I am unless I beat my fears, but what can I do, I DON'T feel capable. It really frutrates me being in this situation.


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## InTheWorldOfNiM

Pam said:


> Wow, this sounds like it went very well--you learned so much. I couldn't imagine role-playing that kind of thing--romantic. So I had no idea how that would be done in a professional way. But it sounds like it was very professional. As long as there is no attraction between you 2, it's ok. I don't think I could do it without laughing tho.  I have had therapists ask me if I wanted to role-play a job interview, but I simply could & would not do it. (I used to work when I was younger, but not for years now).
> 
> Also, where are all the jokers and naysayers who made dumb comments earlier in the thread now? I think it's great that you had the guts to actually try the role playing, and I'm so glad she kept it professional. Her tips like to make sure you don't wring your hands are very helpful!
> 
> One thing to look forward to is when you can do this in real life, it will be much more fun than with her, lol. :b


agreed, I would have a very hard time keeping a straight face, one of my nervous ticks or blushing is uncontrollable smiling.


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## InTheWorldOfNiM

Arthur Dent said:


> You seem to be completely misinterpreting my psychologist's intentions, I think I had cleared them up in previous posts.
> 
> Yesterday I finally talked with one of the girls. It was actually the one I'd thought I'll have less chances to because she's usually with more people around her than the other one. I was walking towards the library hoping to find a free table where to sit and work with my laptop when I saw her sit on a nearby chair working on some sort of small structure. She was alone; yet I couldn't get myself to talk to her, she was leaning to the ground focused on her project and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just kept walking towards the library feeling like a loser and a failure.
> 
> It turned out there weren't tables available at the library (it's a small one), so I stepped outside the door, wondering where should I go then. She still was there, working on her project. I had the option of going to another building without passing next to her. But I guess seeing her alone, despite being busy, motivated me to cut the crap, stop thinking and go there. Well it wasn't a mindless act, I turned off my phone to pretend it had ran out of battery and that I coincidentally noticed it right when I was walking next to her. and this is what happened:
> 
> She was again leaning to the ground checking her structure thingy, so she wasn't actually in the best position to talk with someone who were walking by; I had to lean weirdly, and I said something like "Excuse me, would you know what time is it?". She having her head close to the ground, and me being tall, despite I was leaning towards her, made me think she hand't hear me because for what seemed like an eternity (and were actually less than two seconds) she didn't react. Then she sit still leaning towards her left and looked at me but not directly to my face. I felt I had to said something and my turned off phone in my hand I mumbled "this thing's battery died", which I don't know if she even understood because the volume and the vocalization when I was saying that dropped dramatically as I said it. There she started reaching for her phone, which was precisely where she was leaning towards so it took her about five even more eternal seconds to get, while none of us said anything at all, I think all that time I was looking at the ground and then at her phone, I wasn't capable of making eye contact during that awkward silence. After that torture she read the hour, looked at me and said "12:56 pm". While she said that I was capable of maintaining eye contact, and then I told her "thank you very much", still looking at her and I think I kinda said that smiling. Then I walked away, thinking "well now you can't said that I didn't at least try, is everyone happy now?". Some meters away I felt a burst of adrenaline striking my body from my hearth, it felt like if my body had been holding the breath during the whole thing.
> 
> Then I remembered what others had told me. I realized that being so nervous I really can't stop to see if I'm smiling, or being spontaneous, or being myself, or just going with the flow or any of that stuff. I'm just too damn anxious to think of what am I doing, I can barely function and I don't even know how I did it. And no, it wasn't fun AT ALL. I don't feel it's going to be easier next time, because I doubt there will be a next time; doing things this way I mean. The impression that I got is that she realized it was all an very lame staged act to try to talk with her. I don't think it actually bothered, but she wasn't thrilled either, to me her attitude all along was "oh, ok", just surprised and nothing else. Which yes, isn't a bad thing itself, but not a good one either. I don't feel any motivation to talk again with this girl, and not feeling particularly motivated either to talk with the other one. Right now I'm seeing the whole thing as pointless because even if I was somehow capable of facing my fears, the reason behind those fears it's till there, and being extremely powerful. I still can't stop thinking of what will others think of me, as you can see I still have my self esteem in the gutter, and I think that I can try to talk that way with any amount of girls, just to feel the same way afterwards because my worries will still be there unless I change my mindset first, something I'm quite clueless about how to do it. Actually the original idea was to just say hi to the girls. I thought asking for the hour would make it less random. I still think it's a good idea, but unfortunately nothing will really work since I'm still obsessed whit what would they think of me, which I can never imagine as being something good. Although I have the slight impression that one of the girls has noticed that I glance at her and she doesn't seem bothered by it, but all the opposite. But that doesn't mean much to me since I've been wrong about making those conclusions before.
> 
> I really don't know what to do next. if anything I feel that after today I've giving up on approaching complete strangers until I talk again with the psych.


personally, I really don't think there is a proper talk therapy treatment for social anxiety. for me I feel like the only chance I have is to get drunk, get the girl drunk and go from there or use some other drug. sobor Its mentally impossible for me to even consider such a thing.


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## BatMantis

Wow. I can't believe some of the childish, stupid comments on here. "Put your D on her X" -- yeah that's not indecent exposure/sexual harassment at all.

Anyways, I did a Google search for 'How to flirt' and there's some good guides out there.

Here's some:
http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...3/how-flirt-without-it-seeming-youre-flirting
http://www.howcast.com/videos/1409-How-to-Flirt
www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3gKJ4E8keg

Just keep in mind that people vary. Personally I REALLY hate people touching me/invading my personal space and I'm extremely uncomfortable with things like hugging. And someone touching me who I don't know personally would be really creepy to me, but I'm weird, so....


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## Arthur Dent

BatMantis said:


> Wow. I can't believe some of the childish, stupid comments on here. "Put your D on her X" -- yeah that's not indecent exposure/sexual harassment at all.
> 
> Anyways, I did a Google search for 'How to flirt' and there's some good guides out there.
> 
> Here's some:
> http://www.wikihow.com/Flirt
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...3/how-flirt-without-it-seeming-youre-flirting
> http://www.howcast.com/videos/1409-How-to-Flirt
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3gKJ4E8keg
> 
> Just keep in mind that people vary. Personally I REALLY hate people touching me/invading my personal space and I'm extremely uncomfortable with things like hugging. And someone touching me who I don't know personally would be really creepy to me, but I'm weird, so....


Thank you, we're having a focus away from the flirting itself by now, but your links are useful and appreciated.

Last Friday I had a new appointment with the psychologist. First she asked me about school, and when I said I passed all my courses she told me she knew I was going to make it even if I had trouble with one class. Then she asked me for one of the assignments I had which was having my life plan for the next 5 years. I told her which is basically finishing school, hopefully studying abroad and definitely moving abroad after school, she asked me if by then I saw myself with someone, I told her I see two scenarios, being indeed with someone or being bitter and alone, all depending if I'm able to overcome my issues right now or not. Then she made a weird question, she asked me if I saw myself having kids, I told her that not at all, so she asked me "ok, picture this: you just finished your studies, have had a girlfriend for six months, and she tells you she's 4 moths pregnant, what would you do?" I told her I would make my best effort to be a good father if that ever happens. She answered "what if she's not four but only two months pregnant, would you consider an abortion?" I said that no, because for me outside the three cases allowed by the law here (health risk for the mom, health problem for the baby that wouldn't let him live and rape), I think that having an abortion just because someone doesn't feel like to raining a kid it's running away from a responsibility, even if it was because contraceptive failure, yet I believe that the final decision belongs to the mother, even if I'd disagree.

She didn't said more about it, and told me that as I has just seen, I'm quite capable of having a conversation with a woman and act pretty sure of myself. After that she told me that she had been thinking about me, specially that morning before the appointment, of how smart I am, and asked me if I thought that I'm smart, I doubted it a couple seconds and said yes, she answered "good, now you're accepting it". She asked me if I had any business ideas that involved my career, and I told her this silly idea I've had. It goes like this; there are these programs to make digital sculptures, and my brother, like myself, is a big fan of dinosaurs. We always notice how flawed usually are dinosaur toys, so I was thinking, my brother can use this software to create his anatomically correct sculptures of dinosaurs. And then I can take that file and transfer it to the university's 3D printer, either as a prototype or a mould, and with that try to start a tiny business of toys.

Here she made clear that she was thinking earlier about how smart I am because she was with a couple patients that weren't particularly brilliant but were making big money after using ideas others had gave them, and she didn't wanted that to happen to me. She told me to write for her a formal business proposal, so I would have something to focus on and feel good about. Moving on from that, she insisted again on how much of a good catch I am and even told me that she would like to be my wingman except that since he's a girl then other girls may tough I'm with her and wouldn't pay that much attention to me <_<, also said "or there are a couple patients of mine that I'd introduce you to but they still need work on their own". I don't think that's even allowed, but I doubt was being serious there anyway. Then she gave me another reading to check, and she even mentioned this local saying of "girls like to rehabilitate hobos" which is about girls who like jerks, her point was emphasizing that I'm a good catch.

To finish, I told her that I had been beating myself up for not having talked with anyone else, and she told me to be cool about it, that she understood that I was still too anxious and insecure about it and needed first more work on myself. That relieved me a lot.


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## Raulz0r

You either have a really great therapist or a weird one, I can't decide, and for the weird I mean about that almost "introducing you to other patients", from what I know people go to psychologist to get over their issues, but I don't think hooking up with other people that your psychologist recommended you it's quite the best thing, although I gotta say I really dig the way she goes out of her way to boost your confidence, if you wouldn't pay her to do her job directly, a big tip would've been in order.


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## d3lusionkt

An interesting starting post, and a lot of text to read so that's probably why most people haven't read all of it. 

I do think it is a bad idea from the therapist's point of view to suggest you hit on her. First the relationships needs to be kept professional, and I feel she's treading on dangerous ground by suggesting such a thing. Does she not consider that she could cause a client to get the wrong idea if a therapist suggested this? I mean, a therapist setting is not like a real-life setting, so I do not see the benefit in setting up a role-playing activity like that. The dangers don't justify it. I would more think she could ask you to pretend you're hitting on someone else and practice that way, instead of suggesting you hit on her directly. 

Anyway, all this aside, thanks for sharing. It is pretty interesting. I hope that the sessions end up being helpful.

Another comment - I see she mentioned some of her other patients weren't so smart but where making lots of money? And she mentioned she was thinking of you and how you were intelligent earlier? Man, this therapist is way unprofessional. Sharing details about other patients and judging them so, and then judging you so? I don't know about her message. Irregardless of one's intellect, it seems that what is more important is a sense of self-worth. The particular qualities of an individual shouldn't be judged or even important. Also, doesn't she see that if she shares with you that she thinks some of her patients are not intelligent, she is letting you know that she can be judgmental about her patients and is not fostering that environment of acceptance that a therapist should convey?

And again she is being a big suggestive to mention how she was thinking about you. Anyway, sheesh. I'm sure you didn't want to hear a lot of people criticizing your therapist, but can't help but think these things. If she is working for you though, that is what is important. But I'm not so sure she is going to guide very wisely.


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## Nono441

So hey this is an old thread but did it ever take off? Just curious.


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## Arthur Dent

Nono441 said:


> So hey this is an old thread but did it ever take off? Just curious.


What do you mean by "take off"?


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## Nono441

Arthur Dent said:


> What do you mean by "take off"?


Well I was counting on the fact that you might get infatuated with her and take the roleplay further.. guess not :x


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## Arthur Dent

Nono441 said:


> Well I was counting on the fact that you might get infatuated with her and take the roleplay further.. guess not :x


Nope, as you can see in the previous posts, the role play part is on hold, probably for quite a while, and we're focusing in other things. And even though she's attractive I've never really felt attracted to her, I'm quite aware of what our positions are.


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## caveman8

I think she wants you. Therapists have needs too. If she asks again if there any women interested in you, say yeah you think so - and if she does wants you, this will make her a bit jealous. Then, because you have someone interested in you, tell her you now need to practice that role-play she suggested. See what happens. Doesn't mean you need to do anything yourself if you don't want to, and in fact that would make you more relaxed in the situation. If I were you I'd be totally curious as to how she reacts.


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## Arthur Dent

This time I had my appointment right on time since instead of having another patient before me the psychologist came back from lunch. She started by asking me what I've been up to, and she was glad to know my graduation project is keeping me busy so I don't just stay idle at home. Then she asked me about my main assignment, which was the formal business proposal. I explained her that I didn't do it it since after the initial research, first, I found out that to work with plastics there doesn't seem to be a middle ground between big industrial machinery and amounts of material, and the ridiculously small amounts managed by a hobby purposed apparatus, that merely can work to make pieces of the size of a button; and second, my lack of experience on industrial matters, since I haven't had a real engineering job, things that ended up discouraging me and making me consider my idea as not something worth looking much into. She pointed out that I had given up on defeatist and immobilizing thoughts, but also told me a couple things to motivate me to follow up my idea. She mentioned some government programs aimed at the aid of entrepreneurs, where if well sold, they may link my idea with the appropriate businessmen and industries to carry it on. She also gave me a real example of someone who made a successful enterprise without business experience or formation, and encouraged me to look out on the aid programs and making the business proposal.

Next she asked me about the assigned reading, which was basically a chapter of a book that examined how the western concept of love it's a limited one and the Greeks had two more appropriate words for it; Eros for the passion and physical attraction, and Agape for the intellectual attraction, the affection and companionship. The reading explained how many relationships that start because of the eros end up failing because of the lack of agape. The psych told me that in general lines most men are more interested in the former, specially when they're young, while most women are more focused in the later. She asked me about the attitudes I perceived from my classmates, and I told her how I actually have never heard them mentioning a woman for something like an accomplishment or a talent, but only because and about her looks. She told me that women are aware of this and how they dislike it very much, then asking me which qualities of an "ideal" guy who would represent both aspects of love to her partner I would have. With some hesitation, since I still don't feel comfortable saying good things about myself, I said that I'm in no position of rouse any passion since I can't even get myself noticed in the first place, but that I can be a good listener, show empathy and be supportive. There she decided to have a look at that by setting up a quick role playing where she would be a hurt woman telling me why she was crying; she made up a little story about a woman who was planning to move with her boyfriend of two years, but right before that he admitted that while he was away doing his internship as medicine student he had cheated on her because he felt alone, but that she still had feelings for him and didn't knew if go ahead with the moving or not. I told her that I wouldn't be telling her what to do, but to consider that as a doctor he'll probably be very busy and spend more time with his coworkers than with her, so he wasn't unlikely of "feeling alone" again. She asked me what I thought of cheating and I answered what I've always thought, that if someone can't just stop and realize he had a very strong to be with someone else, so instead of talking that out with their partner they give up and cheat, that means that two key elements on a relationship like commitment and trust are gone, and pretty much same thing for the relationship. Here she said "There you go, you know how men think, you did listened well and showed that you care, and although you tend assume the worst case scenario when it comes about yourself, you aren't clueless about how women in general think", and told me that many of her patients and friends complain how they can't find a men who personality wise, would be me.

Once again she emphasized that once I make an initial approach, and manage to start a conversation, the girl will be the one most likely leading it and I'll have to do little more than listen to her. But knowing that I'm on vacation time and not being around many people she said that by now she wanted to give me a little assignment to see how I feel about my loneliness beyond the feeling bad at home. So she told me to go and watch a movie in a theatre by myself, during a weekend where it's more crowded so it would make me more anxious, and she wants me to pay attention to how do I feel in that environment where the rest of the people is there with company, and what thoughts came in. From the options I have I think I would like to see Pacific Rim since the tumblr nerds loved it, and I do like the movies of Guillermo del Toro, although I'm not sure if it'll be on screen by this weekend. While she was printing my referral for the next appointment I told her how I'm worried that once I get a job, and how I'll start studying too shortly afterwards, I won't have time to do almost nothing except on weekends where I'll be exhausted and with homework anyway, not to mention how engineering it's a male dominated field, so I'm feeling hopeless about meeting women even if I wasn't anxious about approaching them. She reminded me that most people are pretty busy professionally, and yet they have time for a relationship, that there still will be female students at college and every enterprise has female employees even if it's an industry, and I would be able to at least have female friends who would have their own female friends who I could eventually meet, but most important, I just can't know how it would be so I can't be hopeless, not that I raise expectations, simply to wait and see what would happen by then. She told me to see her again on a month or less once I had made my assignments.


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## Raphael200

Well.........


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## HappyFriday

Arthur Dent said:


> And the she told me that my homework for the next appointment, which nest Thursday, I have to try to hit on her. Well she told me I must make a plan and practice with her, while she makes observations and corrections to what I'll be doing, like role playing.


That's so weird... O.O


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## Arthur Dent

HappyFriday said:


> That's so weird... O.O


Did you read the rest?


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## Macker

Wow that's some imagination you have.


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## Arthur Dent

Macker said:


> Wow that's some imagination you have.


So you think I'm making this whole thing up?


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## Macker

No, not everything. I just got a feeling you might have embellished certain details.


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## Arthur Dent

Macker said:


> No, not everything. I just got a feeling you might have embellished certain details.


Well I haven't, so... whatever.


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## PerfectDark

Arthur Dent said:


> I'm quite aware of what our positions are.


Missionary and doggy-style?


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## Arthur Dent

If anybody is still interested on how my therapy carries on you can PM me.

That'll be it.


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## afff

i want to belief....


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## jimity

PerfectDark said:


> Missionary and doggy-style?


You forgot cowgirl and asian cowgirl and reverse cowgirl.


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## Ender

I tried hitting on my therapists my wearing clear plastic wrap to her office. She said, "well I can see your nuts" but nothing came of it.


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## jealousisjelly

VanGogh said:


> So how come this thread, where the therapist is female (and patient is male), is taken positively & the therapist is discussed in a (mostly) positive light whereas in another similar thread on the forum where the therapist is male (and the patient female), it's mostly looked upon with disgust of the therapist asking 1 in-context question about the patient's sexual behavior?


i hate it when people do this and think they're making a good point... theres a double standard BECAUSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT


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## jealousisjelly

Arthur Dent said:


> If anybody is still interested on how my therapy carries on you can PM me.
> 
> That'll be it.


damn ur moody..


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## caveman8

jealousisjelly said:


> i hate it when people do this and think they're making a good point... theres a double standard BECAUSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT


Yup...and men are - generally - stronger so can defend themselves better in an enclosed, 1-on-1 situation if need be.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2


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## supersoshychick

That does seem a bit weird, but I'd take the opportunity.


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## max87

If she really is doing this to help you... then you are lucky. 
You see, i've never had a girfriend. I have no idea on how to "hit on" women. I know i sound pathetci but i am fairly sure i'm not the only one around here like that. 
If she is genuinely about this, you have a great opportunity. Wish i had a therapist like that, it would have helped me a lot but mine's a guy.
If she is doing this for her own interest... then you might want to thinks things over because you can screw it up and you will have to see another therapist. Be careful.


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