# Eye contact question



## relement (Jun 1, 2013)

I read that when I am talking during a conversation with another person I should make eye contact 1/3 of the time, 2/3 of the time when listening, and everyday type conversations should be spurts of 3-4 seconds and if I am attracted to the person I should make eye contact 6-8 seconds. Is this true? If it is, how do I apply that? How do I know when it's 2/3 of what the other person is going to say? Is it intended to be all at once or broken up a little, should I third the thirds? I know this should be easier.


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## AlwaysImagining (May 25, 2012)

Sounds like somebody just made that up. You _should _make eye contact with people you're talking to, just generally having your eyes meet with theirs but not like locked into theirs that would be kinda creepy lol.


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## LucyClaire (Oct 30, 2013)

I had a therapist that used to harass me to look at him, I hated it....There are very few people that I can really look in the eye, they are people that I truely trust.


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## csm2000 (Oct 25, 2013)

I've noticed that I have excellent eye contact when listening but as soon as I start talking, it's over!


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## Subject 1 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would probably have a worse time with eye contact if I started looking at it as a plan.


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## LauraInTheSky (Aug 17, 2013)

This is so hard for me. Trying just makes me more anxious. I once had a doctor yell at me for being disrespectful and not making eye contact. It was a terrible experience.


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## NeverendingCycle (Oct 14, 2013)

csm2000 said:


> I've noticed that I have excellent eye contact when listening but as soon as I start talking, it's over!


For me, the opposite.


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

I honestly thought this was a thread about contact lenses from the title. I'm so stupid. Lol.


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## CharmedOne (Jun 1, 2013)

This is a major social stumbling block for me. I never even realized I didn't make eye contact with people until a fellow student pointed it out to me and told me I was being rude. I instantly became paranoid about it. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact at all with anyone at first. Then I couldn't do it without feeling myself blushing right away, which was even worse. Mortifying. I was already feeling awkward and uncomfortable, and then I felt like people could see my discomfort and weirdness written all over my face.

I kept trying, believing it was important. I got to the point where I could make eye contact if the other person was speaking, but half of their message was lost on me as I constantly internally evaluated, "Am I making eye contact long enough to not be rude? Making it for too long and seeming strange? How long is long enough? At what point is it too long? How often should I look away?" Aaaccckkk. Trying to make eye contact while I was talking was even more distracting and disastrous.

Now, it occasionally occurs naturally when the other person is talking if I don't let myself get caught up in worrying about it. But it pretty much never happens when I'm the one talking. Because I just...can't... I'm kind of to the point of feeling like, oh heck with it already! So I don't really make much, if any, eye contact with people. So what? Seriously. There are worse things that people do/don't do... 

I've never gotten comfortable with it. Never really gotten the timing right... Never gotten the appropriateness down... And it interferes with anything I'd get out of the conversation or contribute to the conversation. I don't even like to make eye contact with a camera--go figure. Yeah, I truly hate it. I really wish I could, but I can't. It's so not me...


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

I don't - even with close relatives. Like has been said - it doesn't come naturally and makes me anxious which zaps my mind so I can't think straight.


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## melody from mars (Feb 18, 2013)

it is one of my resolutions to 'work on my eye-contact' issues... it is an ongoing process.


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

_Please_ fractionalize it - just for me?


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## Seekrit (Nov 7, 2013)

Watch television reporters while they are having an interview and copy them.


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## Rangifer (Oct 18, 2013)

I've never been able to make spontaneous eye contact... It's so hard to look people in the eye. I'm so shamed of myself and don't want to reveal it to people. But that just makes it more clear, I mean by not making eye contact. When I meet new people, I try to look at them every now and then so that they don't consider myself completely rude. It still feels so uncomfortable. When I'm with people I know (but not being my family members) I trust they know me and don't mind if I don't look them in the eye. My therapist, for example, hasn't made me to look her in the eye, luckily. Usually I just look at my hands or the furniture... I never mean to be unfriendly or something, it's just that I don't feel good about staring people into eyes. I'm happy to live in Finland, where it's not THAT big deal to be socially eager and people don't always make eye contact with each other.


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## DaydreamBeliever10 (Feb 12, 2012)

csm2000 said:


> I've noticed that I have excellent eye contact when listening but as soon as I start talking, it's over!


^ this is me. It took me a long time to actually make eye contact but these days I can make eye contact somewhat when I'm listening to someone but if I'm talking, especially if it's something that's hard for me to talk about (which wouldn't be something for non SA sufferers to talk about) I really can't make eye contact.


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## NomadicWonder (Nov 15, 2013)

I was always raised to not look at someone in the eyes too long. It's rude, and can come off as you trying to be too dominant. I usually look at people in the eyes and then look up like I'm thinking about what they are saying to me, then look back at their eyes. It lets the person know that you are paying attention (looking in their eyes) and thinking about what they are saying to you (looking up and away).


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## shinycaptain (Nov 17, 2013)

So where do people look away to? Another part of their face? At the ground (would this seem like you're bored?)


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## NomadicWonder (Nov 15, 2013)

shinycaptain said:


> So where do people look away to? Another part of their face? At the ground (would this seem like you're bored?)


I usually look off to my right and up a little bit..just make it look like you are processing what they are saying.

It's not that complicated


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## shinycaptain (Nov 17, 2013)

NomadicWonder said:


> I usually look off to my right and up a little bit..just make it look like you are processing what they are saying.
> 
> It's not that complicated


Thanks haha I know it seems straightforward but sometimes I stare into the other person's eyes for too long


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## NomadicWonder (Nov 15, 2013)

shinycaptain said:


> Thanks haha I know it seems straightforward but sometimes I stare into the other person's eyes for too long


HAHA! Sometimes I do just the opposite. They can see my soul


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## shinycaptain (Nov 17, 2013)

NomadicWonder said:


> HAHA! Sometimes I do just the opposite. They can see my soul


Lol that's more understable than my problem!  It's funny because most people with social anxiety have a harder time maintaining eye contact whereas I find it hard to look away :roll I don't know why though! It's a mystery.. maybe I should ask my psychology professor lol


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## louiselouisa (Jul 12, 2012)

number means nothing, just practice it until you feel comfortable. if you stare too much, nobody cares though they would probably notice but you won't look as bad as how you think you would in your head.


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## bwells (Nov 13, 2013)

I am by far the worst at making eye contact, to the point it has made people nervous being around me. My posture also is bad, once i did look at a girl who asked me a question in class and she told me later on that i have very scary eyes, probably since i was trying so hard to look at her it made me uncomfortable. I am working on it though.


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## shinycaptain (Nov 17, 2013)

bwells said:


> I am by far the worst at making eye contact, to the point it has made people nervous being around me. My posture also is bad, once i did look at a girl who asked me a question in class and she told me later on that i have very scary eyes, probably since i was trying so hard to look at her it made me uncomfortable. I am working on it though.


Lol don't worry about it, just keep working on it!  I'm working on it too trying to observe how other people do it!


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## bwells (Nov 13, 2013)

I know that once you can look someone in the eyes, you can get a better feel for people which could be beneficial if you are in sales, etc. Also maybe I will be able to better read women.


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## error404 (Oct 18, 2010)

I try to hold eye contact a good amount of the time, only flicking the eyes away occasionally. No 100% nonstop eye contact though, that sh!t's creepy. Sometimes I stare right in between their eyes instead of directly into them, dunno why it helps, it just does. That being said, he more you concentrate on such minute details like the ones you listed, the less convincing it is.


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## Mehab (Oct 16, 2013)

Wow, now that's truly over thinking things,
Look where ever you want dear


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## Caterpillar13 (Nov 10, 2013)

U will drive yourself insane thinking of eye contact in fractions! Make as much eyecontact as u can when they are talking, glance at them for a couple seconds at a time when u talk, n if u fancy them make a lot of ey contact n smile , but u can blink n stuff aswell...


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## Ammmy (Oct 16, 2013)

i am so awful with eye contact especially with authority. my chemistry teacher was talking to me today and i was just thinking fgs just look at him and i did and omg full on eye lock and i did it like 5 times aswell. nope not doing that again. oh dear.


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## Double Entendre (Nov 22, 2013)

I only feel comfortable with eye contact with my mum and friends. Anyone else is hard especially strangers and opposite sex.


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## LimePenguin (Aug 3, 2011)

DaydreamBeliever10 said:


> ^ this is me. It took me a long time to actually make eye contact but these days I can make eye contact somewhat when I'm listening to someone but if I'm talking, especially if it's something that's hard for me to talk about (which wouldn't be something for non SA sufferers to talk about) I really can't make eye contact.


Same here. I used to never look at people in the eye. Now I do very well when listening but talking, it's way too much work to look and think about what I'm going to say lol, I have to look away



missamanda said:


> I honestly thought this was a thread about contact lenses from the title. I'm so stupid. Lol.


:lol


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## searle (Dec 4, 2013)

I find that thinking about it makes me really cr*p at it. It's the hardest when somebody is talking and you're supposed to show that you're listening by locking eyes with them. I feel so invaded looking into people's eyes, like they can see all my insecurities. But they can if I avoid eye contact too! :s


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## Ashleymonica (Dec 22, 2013)

does anyone have advice to awkward eye contact? 
Im pretty outgoing once you get to know me.. i used to love to perform in plays and meet new people but now i feel as if everyone is judging me and im worried im coming off as insecure which makes me anxious and when i talk to people, i cant look at them directly in the eye and i force myself to now but im worried im coming off as creepy lol... any advice?


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## owls (Oct 23, 2010)

dude, why are you making math about eye contact? ummm, it's all about that feeling. I suggest getting into upbeat music. I carry my ipod with me everywhere. it helps a lot!


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## Machala Chonga (Oct 24, 2012)

I used to take that number rule into account, but I later found out about dominance and realized that by holding eye contact for longer you establish yourself as being dominant in a non-threatening way, so I started doing that and found that people took me more seriously (probably cause they were afraid to get on my bad side, which is funny cause I wouldn't actually want to hurt anyone). Practice on strangers until you're comfortable with it. Body language is a very important social skill.


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