# After YEARS of heartache, struggle, and pain, I went on a date!!!



## Max Seigel

My friends, let this be a testament of hope to all who struggle in this area of your life. Let me tell you all something. After nearly 4 years 0 success, after so many rejections, after so much pain, I finally got a date! I finally did it!
The date went surprisingly well! I was anxious but quickly calmed down. I was able to joke around with her, make her laugh, develop a connection, and for the most part, be myself. Of course it wasn't all perfect. There were times where I had nothing to say, times where my mind went blank. And there was a moment where I knew I should have gone for the kiss but was too afraid to. But I learned so much and gained such valuable experience. On top of that, she did say she wanted to see me again! 
But here's the truth and yes the truth hurts. The truth is that it's not easy! You're going to have to go through a lot of pain, a lot of lonely nights, a lot of tears shed. There are going to be times where you want to give up. Trust me. For the past several months, I was suffering from learned helplessness. I thought, what's the point. I keep getting rejected over and over again. But I fought through and finally broke through. You must must must have patience and persistence.
I will quickly go over what has happened. I must have asked out 30+ girls over the past 4 years (which may not seem like a lot, but to me it is) and none of them even gave me a date, not even a chance. Not only that, but a few of them agreed to a date and flaked at the last minute, which really stung. Others seemed like they wanted to go out only at the last minute to completely ignore me. I was so close so many times but at the last minute, everything fell through.
I will say though that I did have 1 previous relationship (which is a bit of a miracle), but it feels so long ago that I can no longer draw on that experience to help me. That relationship lasted for 6 months until she dumped me. The 2nd worst pain of my life (the 1st being me hitting rock bottom). So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had. 
But all this pain has molded me into the person I am today. It has built my character and made me stronger, strong enough that I could drive to meet this girl and spend 4 hours 1 on 1, strong enough that I am able to detach from an outcome and let go if need be. Either way, whether she liked me or not, I knew I would be ok. I don't need her to be ok.
While this is a gigantic step after literally feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall for 4 long years, it is by no means the end. I still have so much to learn. I'm not expecting this to work out. The only thing I expect of myself is to continually learn and grow from each experience I get. 
Lastly, keep in mind that for most of us with SA, dating is probably the most difficult thing to do. So expect slow progress. But if you keep going, even when you don't feel like it, even when nothing seems to be working, even when you want to give up, you will find a way. It's important to believe in your ability to figure things out as you go. 
I hope my story not only helps you to believe in yourself, but catalyzes you to take action towards your goals and dreams. Seriously, if I could do this, you can too!


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## Kevin001

Congrats bro. Your story is truly inspirational. I'm so glad you kept at it. People like you give me hope.


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## McFly

Max Seigel said:


> So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had.


Good job m8, hope it turns into something for you. And what you said above is true.


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## Ai

Congratulations! It's so awesome you've managed to siphon all of your experiences, the good _and_ the bad, into progress toward a goal. That, in and of itself, is a wonderful accomplishment. Hang on to that attitude absolutely! Good luck!


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## quyosh

Congrats dude. :yay


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## jc90

I can get dates, I just can't find the right girl. Never had a real relationship either. Props to you though.


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## ilsr

Thanks for the uplifting story. Congrats.


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## Saucin

Happy for you! It's not easy but being brave enough to do it is a big step in overcoming SA.


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## rm123

Going on dates is EASY. Try having a vagina & sayin you're not interested in casual sex


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## Carolyne

It's been 4 months since this post, what ended up happening?


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## AllTheSame

rm123 said:


> Going on dates is EASY. Try having a vagina & sayin you're not interested in casual sex


I sort of agree, I've been on tons of dates. But....try saying you're a guy and you're not interested in casual sex. Lmao. See how that goes over. My days of wanting a ONS are over with, and there are women out there that just want casual sex. My last gf (who I've talked about quite a bit on this site, under another user name) is testament to that. Even when dating is not that difficult for you, imo, it becomes impossible when you're not only looking for someone you "click" with and can relate to, but someone you want a LTR with. ****** impossible.


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## rm123

AllTheSame said:


> I sort of agree, I've been on tons of dates. But....try saying you're a guy and you're not interested in casual sex. Lmao. See how that goes over. My days of wanting a ONS are over with, and there are women out there that just want casual sex. My last gf (who I've talked about quite a bit on this site, under another user name) is testament to that. Even when dating is not that difficult for you, imo, it becomes impossible when you're not only looking for someone you "click" with and can relate to, but someone you want a LTR with. ****** impossible.


Not really sure what point you're trying to make, but I am a girl


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## AllTheSame

rm123 said:


> Not really sure what point you're trying to make, but I am a girl


Yes, I know lol. My point is it sucks that even when it's very difficult to date, and you manage to push through your anxiety and do it anyway, and then you meet someone you "click" with, then sometimes they aren't looking for the same thing you're looking for in a relationship. That happened to me in my last relationship. She was looking for something very casual, no commitment, and I was looking for more, then...she ended up wanting more lol. Anyways it doesn't matter if you don't get it, I was just trying to point out that even when you can date succesfully, it doesn't mean you're going to have a succesful relationship.


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## discoveryother

testify! hallelujah!

we want an update


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## rm123

Oh ok


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## AllTheSame

It would be nice to get an update....


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## Max Seigel

Ok ok here's an update. So after that first date, we went on another date. On that date, after we had dinner, we sat on a bench outside. And it was there where I ended up going for the kiss and got it! She asked me why did I decide to kiss her and I was just like because I felt like it and she said that was a really good answer. Don't get me wrong. I was extremely anxious. But I knew the moment was right and so I had to do it. That same date, we ended up sitting by a lake and things got physical. We made out and she ended up giving me a message.
For the next couple dates, I got anxious. I think because of the pressure to keep things up. I know on the 3rd date I nearly broke down. Like I almost had a panic attack. Somehow I was able to maintain some level of composure so I didn't totally screw up. The date after that, same thing. I was anxious. After that date, I just felt like things weren't progressing anymore and I got worried that I had screwed up. She also stopped complimenting me and didn't say she had a good time with me like she did the first 2 dates.
But, the next date, with all the pressure on me to makeup for the previous 2 dates, I did the best I'd ever done! I was in my zone! And basically we ended up in my car parked at a park after dark. And it was there where I made a move! And things got very physical again! I was anxious and scared on the inside. But on the outside, I appeared cool, calm, and collected.
The following date, I also did very well and things got very physical again.
So now, I'm back in college and she's still at home (which is a little over an hour away). We talk and skype and I'm going to be seeing her next weekend to celebrate her birthday. Basically, she wants a relationship, but I told her I can't right now. I told her I still want to see her and spend time with her and have fun with her, but I explained why I can't commit. She got a little upset, but I was able to calm her down and reassure her that I still want to see her. So right now we are in an open relationship.
It's a long story but the reason I can't commit is that I just feel like I will be settling. Yes I like her, and I like spending time with her, but I just feel like there's more out there. And so I was honest about where I stand because I don't want to lead her on. And believe me, it would have been much easier to NOT be honest and lead her on, because I was scared as hell that if I told her I couldn't commit, she would leave me. But she didn't and so that's where we are as of now.
Overall, this is a huge accomplishment. I would have been thrilled just to get 1 date, but I got a lot more than that. If I hadn't done all the hard work on myself, I would not have been able to handle the moment. I'm just thankful for the opportunity I got after years of pain and heartbreak.


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## xxDark Horse

AllTheSame said:


> Yes, I know lol. My point is it sucks that even when it's very difficult to date, and you manage to push through your anxiety and do it anyway, and then you meet someone you "click" with, then sometimes they aren't looking for the same thing you're looking for in a relationship. That happened to me in my last relationship.


Or the person whom you think you think youd be compatible with doesn't even like you back.


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## hypestyle

Max Seigel said:


> My friends, let this be a testament of hope to all who struggle in this area of your life. Let me tell you all something. After nearly 4 years 0 success, after so many rejections, after so much pain, I finally got a date! I finally did it!
> The date went surprisingly well! I was anxious but quickly calmed down. I was able to joke around with her, make her laugh, develop a connection, and for the most part, be myself. Of course it wasn't all perfect. There were times where I had nothing to say, times where my mind went blank. And there was a moment where I knew I should have gone for the kiss but was too afraid to. But I learned so much and gained such valuable experience. On top of that, she did say she wanted to see me again!
> But here's the truth and yes the truth hurts. The truth is that it's not easy! You're going to have to go through a lot of pain, a lot of lonely nights, a lot of tears shed. There are going to be times where you want to give up. Trust me. For the past several months, I was suffering from learned helplessness. I thought, what's the point. I keep getting rejected over and over again. But I fought through and finally broke through. You must must must have patience and persistence.
> I will quickly go over what has happened. I must have asked out 30+ girls over the past 4 years (which may not seem like a lot, but to me it is) and none of them even gave me a date, not even a chance. Not only that, but a few of them agreed to a date and flaked at the last minute, which really stung. Others seemed like they wanted to go out only at the last minute to completely ignore me. I was so close so many times but at the last minute, everything fell through.
> I will say though that I did have 1 previous relationship (which is a bit of a miracle), but it feels so long ago that I can no longer draw on that experience to help me. That relationship lasted for 6 months until she dumped me. The 2nd worst pain of my life (the 1st being me hitting rock bottom). So while some of you may argue "well you already had a relationship and I haven't even had 1 yet," understand that all experience is not created equal. If you haven't experienced something in a long time, that experience is almost worthless. Just like if you aren't social for a few days, your anxiety goes back up. So to me at least, all this felt so new, like I had never done it before even though technically I had.
> But all this pain has molded me into the person I am today. It has built my character and made me stronger, strong enough that I could drive to meet this girl and spend 4 hours 1 on 1, strong enough that I am able to detach from an outcome and let go if need be. Either way, whether she liked me or not, I knew I would be ok. I don't need her to be ok.
> While this is a gigantic step after literally feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall for 4 long years, it is by no means the end. I still have so much to learn. I'm not expecting this to work out. The only thing I expect of myself is to continually learn and grow from each experience I get.
> Lastly, keep in mind that for most of us with SA, dating is probably the most difficult thing to do. So expect slow progress. But if you keep going, even when you don't feel like it, even when nothing seems to be working, even when you want to give up, you will find a way. It's important to believe in your ability to figure things out as you go.
> I hope my story not only helps you to believe in yourself, but catalyzes you to take action towards your goals and dreams. Seriously, if I could do this, you can too!


how did you manage to get the initial date with her?


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## Max Seigel

hypestyle said:


> how did you manage to get the initial date with her?


Great question! We happened to run into each other in public. We knew each other beforehand because she friended me on Facebook a while earlier. So we had already talked before and we had each other's numbers. But we were just acquaintances. However, after we ran into each other, she texted me saying she enjoyed talking to me. At that point I knew I might have an opportunity so I said that we should see each other. She agreed. And then like a week later, I texted her to set up the date.

Here's the interesting part. Right before the date, she texted me asking if her other male friend could tag along. That smelled of friend zone. So instead of agreeing to that, I texted back saying I just wanted to spend time with her alone and if she changed her mind to let me know. Otherwise, I'm doing my own thing. Well a few minutes later she texted back saying she changed her mind and that her other male friend wont be there. The rest is history lol


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## hypestyle

Max Seigel said:


> Great question! We happened to run into each other in public. We knew each other beforehand because she friended me on Facebook a while earlier. So we had already talked before and we had each other's numbers. But we were just acquaintances. However, after we ran into each other, she texted me saying she enjoyed talking to me. At that point I knew I might have an opportunity so I said that we should see each other. She agreed. And then like a week later, I texted her to set up the date.
> 
> Here's the interesting part. Right before the date, she texted me asking if her other male friend could tag along. That smelled of friend zone. So instead of agreeing to that, I texted back saying I just wanted to spend time with her alone and if she changed her mind to let me know. Otherwise, I'm doing my own thing. Well a few minutes later she texted back saying she changed her mind and that her other male friend wont be there. The rest is history lol


very cool-- I just hope I can finally get a date for once this year.


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## Twilightforce

I'm not desperate enough to ask 30 women. I guess I'll just accept being alone.


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## Bogus

actually most people "ask" a lot of potential mates before they hit up with one. just a lot of this process happens non-explicitly, people just kinda feel each other up and see where it goes. so asking 30 women isnt even that desperate.

...and even if, who cares? i asked 200 girls before i hit up with my gf. fact of the matter is that im still having a gf now and im quite content with what i did - along with having a gf now i also have had an overall good experience of going out there and doing my thing and getting a lot of good reactions.

if you went out there and asked 30 girls you probably would find that a couple of them do like you, even if it doesnt work out for a reason or another. these would be reference experiences which you could recall later to enable you to ask another 30, if necessary, and so on. also it just sinks into your mind that despite all the bull**** in your head, there are actually girls that find you attractive. hot ones, too.

while youre here thinking negatively about going about and asking girls out, i did the thing youre avoiding and im feeling better (and thinking less negatively about the thing, too). it didnt kill me and im stronger than i was before. it would be the same thing for you, if you manage to get your thinking somewhat under control.


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## tehuti88

Twilightforce said:


> I'm not desperate enough to ask 30 women. I guess I'll just accept being alone.


This is the "Triumphs" subforum, where people work hard and good things happen. :smile2:


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## Max Seigel

Twilightforce said:


> I'm not desperate enough to ask 30 women. I guess I'll just accept being alone.


Well according to Tony Robbins, the number one necessity for success is hunger. If you're not hungry for success, then you will likely not be successful.

For me, I worked my *** off to face my fears over and over again. It finally paid off and now I have a girl I love and who loves me. And because I had to work so hard for it, I appreciate it much more than I would have if it came easy. It's so true that *the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory.*

To sum up what I'm trying to say, Beverly Sills puts it eloquently when she says *there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.*



Bogus said:


> actually most people "ask" a lot of potential mates before they hit up with one. just a lot of this process happens non-explicitly, people just kinda feel each other up and see where it goes. so asking 30 women isnt even that desperate.
> 
> ...and even if, who cares? i asked 200 girls before i hit up with my gf. fact of the matter is that im still having a gf now and im quite content with what i did - along with having a gf now i also have had an overall good experience of going out there and doing my thing and getting a lot of good reactions.
> 
> if you went out there and asked 30 girls you probably would find that a couple of them do like you, even if it doesnt work out for a reason or another. these would be reference experiences which you could recall later to enable you to ask another 30, if necessary, and so on. also it just sinks into your mind that despite all the bull**** in your head, there are actually girls that find you attractive. hot ones, too.
> 
> while youre here thinking negatively about going about and asking girls out, i did the thing youre avoiding and im feeling better (and thinking less negatively about the thing, too). it didnt kill me and im stronger than i was before. it would be the same thing for you, if you manage to get your thinking somewhat under control.


That's awesome man! Credit to you for putting in the work. Yep I totally agree. I definitely had initial interest from several girls but I would become a bit needy or my anxiety would worsen and I would get awkward and not be able to talk well. But all those failures made me stronger and better at handling my emotions. So when an opportunity came with the girl I'm with, I was able to handle the situation, manage my anxiety, and date her. Had I not gone through what I went through, I would not have been strong enough to handle it. The girl I'm with now is pretty hot so I'm a happy man lol. And of course she has a good personality and we have a lot in common.


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## Twilightforce

Max Seigel said:


> Well according to Tony Robbins, the number one necessity for success is hunger. If you're not hungry for success, then you will likely not be successful.
> 
> For me, I worked my *** off to face my fears over and over again. It finally paid off and now I have a girl I love and who loves me. And because I had to work so hard for it, I appreciate it much more than I would have if it came easy. It's so true that *the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory.*
> 
> To sum up what I'm trying to say, Beverly Sills puts it eloquently when she says *there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.*
> 
> That's awesome man! Credit to you for putting in the work. Yep I totally agree. I definitely had initial interest from several girls but I would become a bit needy or my anxiety would worsen and I would get awkward and not be able to talk well. But all those failures made me stronger and better at handling my emotions. So when an opportunity came with the girl I'm with, I was able to handle the situation, manage my anxiety, and date her. Had I not gone through what I went through, I would not have been strong enough to handle it. The girl I'm with now is pretty hot so I'm a happy man lol. And of course she has a good personality and we have a lot in common.


I thought women don't like desperate guys.


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## Max Seigel

Twilightforce said:


> I thought women don't like desperate guys.


They don't, but you can want a girl without being desperate when interacting with her. But you first must work on yourself and be in an abundance mentality instead of a scarcity mentality. You also need to work on yourself and be happy alone in order to be able to attract a high quality girl and have a high quality relationship. Love is not 2 people coming together and completing each other (aka codependence). Love is 2 people coming together and sharing their completeness (aka interdependence).


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## Cool Ice Dude55

How do you mean you ran into her in public?Where did yu know her from before?

And congrats dude.


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## I Beethoven

Nice man you have the heart of a lion, i cant step outside my front door without fear so you are an inspiration to me well done man i hate anxiety


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## Max Seigel

I Beethoven said:


> Nice man you have the heart of a lion, i cant step outside my front door without fear so you are an inspiration to me well done man i hate anxiety


Man I just know that you are tougher than you think. You're stronger than you think. You're better than you think. I've proved it to myself over and over again. I've done things I never thought I could do. Playing my violin in front of people. Getting a girl. Getting through college (I'm a senior). Just being alive today is something that about 4 years ago I didn't think I would be. I'm no better than anyone on here. I just work hard and keep going because it's the only choice I have. It's either that or death for me. But as my man Eric Thomas says, when you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful.


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## bbarn

Congrats man. I know exactly what you mean by first loving yourself before you can love others or others can love you back. It's been an uphill climb and this year i've been able to tame my critical thinking and loving myself more so now than i can remember. Good luck in your relationship with this girl and maybe more girls to come.


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## xxDark Horse

bump


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## sad1231234

I Beethoven said:


> Nice man you have the heart of a lion, i cant step outside my front door without fear so you are an inspiration to me well done man i hate anxiety


Force yourself to do it, screw anxiety, dont leti t ruin your life. You will find out that it isnt as bad as you think, in fact it gets so much easier so quickly when you do it more often.


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## tehuti88

xxDark Horse said:


> bump


Why are you bumping somebody else's +2yr-old thread...? :|

In case you care about OP, according to his much more recent VMs, he hasn't been doing well lately.


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