# First boyfriend, cuddles, and kiss...



## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

So, I talk a big game. I admit it. I acknowledge it. I was raised by a very intelligent, well-educated, and progressive nurse who was always pointedly open and informative. I have all older siblings, all much more intelligent than I am and whose own experiences I tend to glean from. I am also almost pathologically empathetic (to the degree that I even often end up taking on the emotions and moods of those around me, whether or not I want to--great for a writer, terrible for a person who has to do real stuff and talk to real people.) This, at least, has the benefit of allowing me to approach and unpack information from a wide variety of differing perspectives (and can make me a little wishy washy sometimes when it comes to deciding on a definitive opinion.)

All this said, I have, on a theoretical level, a pretty nuanced and ever-evolving understanding of human relationships and sexuality. I can analyze it, I can rationalize it, I can decipher and attach motives and motivations. I can sniff out the differences and the similarities that make us insanely fascinating and impossible creatures simultaneously. I can write realistic characters who are as much imperfect, believable people as they are devices in a narrative.

But when it comes to interacting with other human beings in practice... I'm a potato.

Put me in a legitimate, immediate situation--and I'm a panicked, useless mess. I constantly misread cues or say the wrong thing... or waaaay too much of potentially the right thing, about five minutes ago, when I _started_ talking, which is now swiftly turning into the conversational equivalent of Fat Man and Little Boy oh god why isn't anyone stopping me... If I'm positively forced to be in public, I usually just avoid speaking as much as absolutely necessary.

So (_shockingly_--whaaaaat), before about a month ago, I'd hardly been noticed by other people let alone in an official relationship with one. I'd mustered up the courage and reached out to someone on OkCupid in November or so, who, to my surprise, responded. Despite living roughly 350 miles away from one another, we continued chatting for a few months until I mentioned making gains in my social anxiety and depression (which I have always been very open and up front about) and he asked if he could meet me.

And everything since has been a bit of a whirlwind. We've only gone on two dates in person so far (well, I suppose four, technically--he drove here twice), though we talk online and video chat constantly (that bit was also a huge hurdle for me when it came up--it's like a phone, if the phone had a big ol' judgy face ;P). It's so surreal for me. I'm not used to people really even acknowledging my existence let alone finding it alluring enough to _drive 350 miles_, without provocation on my part, to acknowledge it up close. lol

He's much more experienced than I am, but he's been wonderful about it. I don't know that he entirely understands what I go through, but he's always interested in listening and appreciates that I keep an open dialogue with him about it. He does what he can to follow and he's been very accommodating with my need to go slowly.

*That said, he came up for two days yesterday (his second visit.) I made two very incredible leaps and I am simultaneously thrilled with myself and embarrassed with the awkward way I handled it all:*

A.) We cuddled--prolonged physical contact with another human being not my mother ;P

B.) He kissed me goodbye (which I did panic about slightly _and_ comedically bomb, despite being warned _and_ having given advanced permission. But he was a good sport about it.)

Two things that, at 25, I have literally never done before. My heart is still racing, hours and hours later. But not necessarily in a bad way. For once.

There will always be that threat of dread in the back of my mind, the assurance that he's going to realize what a ridiculous effort this is and give up on me...

But for now, as I plan my own trip to his home town (the first time I will ever have traveled on my own), all I can do is smile.

I can do this! Holy crap...


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

O wow this is amazing. I kinda want to cry, lol. Congrats.


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## Pips (Feb 19, 2016)

Congrats Ai, I'm glad you've found someone who's able to stick by you for who you are! 
In any case, I hope this relationship will continue to be a positive impact on you and him.


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## ethericbody (Feb 22, 2016)

Congrats. Try not to over analyze it.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

Kevin001 said:


> O wow this is amazing. I kinda want to cry, lol. Congrats.





Pips said:


> Congrats Ai, I'm glad you've found someone who's able to stick by you for who you are!
> In any case, I hope this relationship will continue to be a positive impact on you and him.


Thanks so much, to you both! :yay I hope so too.



ethericbody said:


> Congrats. Try not to over analyze it.


Haha, thank you. I will do my best. My rational mind knows that, so far, he has proven himself to be a very kind and genuine person; and so if he has gone to the amount of trouble he has already, it means I'd probably have to do something rather major to dissuade him at this point. It's just unfortunately not always my rational brain that's at play when I'm looking at my own life and my own experiences.  I'm actively trying to be better, though. And positivity, in general, has gotten significantly easier since I started Wellbutrin XL in January.

So, despite still struggling to find work, things have been going quite well for me over the past few months. It's energizing and slightly emotionally freeing.


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## stinky (Oct 24, 2009)

Brought tears to my eyes. So happy for you. Keep it up! And this guy really likes you, he is driving a lot to see you!


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## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

350 miles away....


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

What an awesome post. So happy and wish nothing but the best for you both  I wish there were more posts like this on this site (and I'm partly to blame, I know lol). I agree what with what was said earlier, try to not over-analyze too much. Just. Go with it lol.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

I thought you already had a boyfriend before.


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## 629753 (Apr 7, 2015)

Soo cute "kiss emoticon I'm in the phone let" . Wish you the best, play it cool, don't become hard to get but stand your ground you know


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

stinky said:


> Brought tears to my eyes. So happy for you. Keep it up! And this guy really likes you, he is driving a lot to see you!





TenYears said:


> What an awesome post. So happy and wish nothing but the best for you both  I wish there were more posts like this on this site (and I'm partly to blame, I know lol). I agree what with what was said earlier, try to not over-analyze too much. Just. Go with it lol.


:thanks :yay 



naes said:


> 350 miles away....


Yep... It's not ideal long term; if things work out, one or both of us will need to relocate. But we're both willing to work with it in the meantime. 



visualkeirockstar said:


> I thought you already had a boyfriend before.


... Nope? I mean, I've mentioned this guy in other sections (but we've only officially been together since February). Perhaps that's why it might have seemed that way?



impedido10 said:


> Soo cute "kiss emoticon I'm in the phone let" . Wish you the best, play it cool, don't become hard to get but stand your ground you know


Thanks. :b Trust me, there have been enough obstacles. I needn't add any superficially, Haha. I think I understand what you mean, however. And though I trust that he will never attempt to pressure anything more from or of me than I am comfortable giving, and vice versa, I can be a startlingly stubborn and independent person when need be. Relationships are as much about self-work and realization as they are about coupling.  I got this, yo.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

Congratulations!

Here's to my first girlfriend in the future.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

xxDark Horse said:


> Congratulations!
> 
> Here's to my first girlfriend in the future.


Thanks!

And good luck!


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## 629753 (Apr 7, 2015)

Ai said:


> Thanks. :b Trust me, there have been enough obstacles. I needn't add any superficially, Haha. I think I understand what you mean, however. And though I trust that he will never attempt to pressure anything more from or of me than I am comfortable giving, and vice versa, I can be a startlingly stubborn and independent person when need be. Relationships are as much about self-work and realization as they are about coupling.  I got this, yo.


Aye nice, hope he doesnt rush stuff up, only real ballers know its better to take it slow


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## Fangirl96 (Apr 13, 2015)

Wow congrats! He sounds like a great and rare guy for being so understanding and doing so much for you. Sounds like a keeper. Hope it all works out


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## Resergence (Mar 7, 2016)

Gratz im jealous now I need to get me a girl like you :3


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## 2Milk (Oct 29, 2014)

Omg you sure love to write don't you? Anyway good luck with him.


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## Enochian (Feb 17, 2015)

itsjch said:


> Gratz im jealous now I need to get me a girl like you :3


Seconded.  Nice girls who like Fallout are hard to come by.

Congratulations, Ai.


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## FunkyFedoras (Aug 30, 2013)

Aww! THIS WAS THE CUTEST
You go, girl!


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

This is awesome  definitely stay in the moment and enjoy the feelings.


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## quiet88 (Jan 14, 2016)

That's so cute. Congrats! Remember, you deserve it! Hope everything goes well


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