# Why don't more people hook up on here?



## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Since our lives generally seem to revolve around our ability or lack thereof to communicate properly with others, you would think finding someone who can empathyze with that would be extremely appealing. I've had a number of serious girlfriends now and always dreaded having "the talk", where I have to explain why I'm so introverted and stand-offish and paranoid at times. And then I have to hope they'll be understanding of the condition and accept me for it. And then I have to hope they don't change their minds two years later when I've decided to opt out of going to a half dozen concerts because that's something they love to do and the idea of being around so many people petrifies me. Who else could ever be as understanding as a fellow SASer?


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## Kardax (Dec 29, 2004)

It's a lack-of-available-women problem. About 90% of the SAS women I've seen here fall into two camps:

1. Taken.
2. Not mentally ready for a relationship. Can be for a lot of reasons.

The remaining 10% don't advertise. And, if personal experience is any indication, should you happen to stumble across one, they live at least 1000 miles away.... :rain

-Ryan


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Kardax said:


> It's a lack-of-available-women problem. About 90% of the SAS women I've seen here fall into two camps:
> 
> 1. Taken.
> 2. Not mentally ready for a relationship. Can be for a lot of reasons.
> ...


 :ditto or at least 1 hour away


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## Kardax (Dec 29, 2004)

Noca said:


> :ditto or at least 1 hour away


Heh, if only I could be so lucky 

The other thing I forgot to mention is that the guys on this site also fall into the same two categories, the key difference being that even though about the same number are "taken", most guys are open to a relationship.

So the situation is there's like a 5 to 1 ratio of available guys to available girls. That's actually more favorable than most online dating sites (7 to 1 guys to girls seems to be the norm). With such a large pool to choose from, it's no wonder we don't hear about the lonely single SAS girls very much... they don't want to get bombarded with solicitations.

I don't have a solution to offer. The girls are in control here. I suppose your best hope is to rise above the crowd and hope one of them notices you...

-Ryan


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Kardax said:


> ... they don't want to get bombarded with solicitations.


That actually happens? I'm so out of touch. I'm like one of the Majola children.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

> I suppose your best hope is to rise above the crowd and hope one of them notices you...


That makes for a difficult task considering some of your other comments. If women don't wish to be bombarded with solicitations yet our best chance is to hope one of them notices us being impartial, what's the proper course of action? It's like the virtual equivalent of the bar scene; inhibitions are removed because we're all online and women are empowered accordingly. So I still get to be the guy nursing his gin and tonic in the corner, wondering what the best way to socialize is and the overbearing guys are all running around wearing women down. Man, this is weird. :um


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## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

The man I like on the board, that doesn't really live that far from me, thinks I'm repulsive as a female. I've read I'm a complete turn off to him;-)


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## Fanciful Unicorn (Jul 19, 2007)

You forgot to mention the percentage of SAS woman who are physically unattractive (readverweight) that men want nothing to do with.

Yeah, I'm a little sad because of something not entirely in my control prevent people from thinking I might actually be an awesome girlfriend.

Oh well, I don't get why there aren't more relations on this board either *shrug*


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Bon said:


> The man I like on the board, that doesn't really live that far from me, thinks I'm repulsive as a female. I've read I'm a complete turn off to him;-)


:con Really???

There are several SAS relationship success stories but the fact people are all over the US (and world for that matter) makes it more difficult. And, I think one has to have more of a connection than just SA.

And that fact that people on here HAVE SA makes meeting people that much more difficult.

If I were single I would look to SA sites as a source for "hooking up" although at my ripe old age that would probably be rather difficult since the majority of SASers seem to be 15 years younger than me.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

I actually tried to find guys on here, but I didn't find any that I was interested in.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Kardax said:


> It's a lack-of-available-women problem. About 90% of the SAS women I've seen here fall into two camps:
> 
> 1. Taken.
> 2. Not mentally ready for a relationship. Can be for a lot of reasons.
> ...


Yeah, you forgot

3. Too unattractive

Or do you not remember me?


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> Yeah, you forgot
> 
> 3. Too unattractive
> 
> Or do you not remember me?


Wait... this you?http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=974951#p974951

Don't be so hard on yourself, you're way pretty, you just need a reason to smile.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

No, trust me. In real life, there isn't a guy on here who would come within 6 feet of me. Hell, I wouldn't either, but I don't really have a choice.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> No, trust me. In real life, there isn't a guy on here who would come within 6 feet of me. Hell, I wouldn't either, but I don't really have a choice.


I dunno, i think you're being super insecure.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

LostInReverie said:


> No, trust me. In real life, there isn't a guy on here who would come within 6 feet of me. Hell, I wouldn't either, but I don't really have a choice.


I was within 6 feet of you. The second time was your decision.

I think there are two reasons why there aren't more people getting together. First is the distance apart we live. The second is that we don't usually give off the right signals to show that we are interested.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

sno said:


> LostInReverie said:
> 
> 
> > No, trust me. In real life, there isn't a guy on here who would come within 6 feet of me. Hell, I wouldn't either, but I don't really have a choice.
> ...


It's a social anxiety forum, insecurities abound! Anyway, you're wasting your time. People here have given her praise in abundance for her photos for as long as I can remember, including myself. Methinks there's some other element at play that prevents men from approaching her or at least makes her think they don't want to.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

.


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## batman can (Apr 18, 2007)

Does every thread you post in have to turn into a melodramatic whine fest?


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## TheGecko (Nov 26, 2007)

Drella said:


> Kardax said:
> 
> 
> > ... they don't want to get bombarded with solicitations.
> ...


How *you* doin' ?


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

batman can said:


> Does every thread you post in have to turn into a melodramatic whine fest?


Because I'm a social moron with the maturity level of a 10 year old as well as an extremely emotion-focused personality. And although it may be hard for you to understand, when you hate everything about yourself and the world agrees, you feel the need to *****.

If I really annoy you that much, you have the option of removing my posts from your view.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

path0gen said:


> It's a social anxiety forum, insecurities abound! Anyway, you're wasting your time. People here have given her praise in abundance for her photos for as long as I can remember, including myself. Methinks there's some other element at play that prevents men from approaching her or at least makes her think they don't want to.


The photos don't show that I'm more than 100 lbs overweight, which last time I checked, wasn't okay. Throw in that I'm a ****ing addict with no hope of recovery due to my inferior will and you have someone who really has no reason to be alive. It's super fun.


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## batman can (Apr 18, 2007)

LostInReverie said:


> batman can said:
> 
> 
> > Does every thread you post in have to turn into a melodramatic whine fest?
> ...


I feel bad for even saying anything. Sorry.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

batman can said:


> Does every thread you post in have to turn into a melodramatic whine fest?


Me? Who are you talking to?


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

LostInReverie said:


> path0gen said:
> 
> 
> > It's a social anxiety forum, insecurities abound! Anyway, you're wasting your time. People here have given her praise in abundance for her photos for as long as I can remember, including myself. Methinks there's some other element at play that prevents men from approaching her or at least makes her think they don't want to.
> ...


No, the photos don't show that. I think I've seen pics of you from the waist up and saw no sign of obesity. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just surprised at how well your photos hide the alleged weight. Whatever it is you're addicted to, the forum has censored it for some reason. But whatever, I'm chemically addicted to benzos with no hope of recovery and often feel just as inferior and pathetic as you at times. I'm also probably 50 lbs. overweight. So we're both horrible, terrible people that don't deserve to be happy. Now what?


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

I just said I'm an f-ing addict. I was speaking of food. 

Now we *****. 

Although I really should stop, as it has been annoying people. Ha. I'd like to see me quit anything.


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

Isn't this forum a place to help people? Instead of criticizing them?


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

I always thought I was the ultimate pessimist but I think you might have a slight edge on me.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Peace99 said:


> Isn't this forum a place to help people? Instead of criticizing them?


Certain criticisms could fall under the category of "tough love" or reverse psychology.


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## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

Penny said:


> Bon said:
> 
> 
> > The man I like on the board, that doesn't really live that far from me, thinks I'm repulsive as a female. I've read I'm a complete turn off to him;-)
> ...


I was being, difficult;-) basically I read in Don's profile that he thought girls were yucky, so I ad libbed;-)
Exactly the people I find interesting are usually much younger than my 29 years


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## Fanciful Unicorn (Jul 19, 2007)

Wait, why is everyone jumping in to support LostInReverie when I basically said the damn same thing and was ignored?

Is this a board popularity thing? What is it I have to do now to get some ****ing recognition?


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## wishfulthinking (Nov 28, 2006)

path0gen said:


> Peace99 said:
> 
> 
> > Isn't this forum a place to help people? Instead of criticizing them?
> ...


True. Helping isn't always saying what someone wants to hear. As long as your not a sadistically annoying **** with nothing going on but whack attempts to cap on people. It's ok to question how someone sees themselves or how they act if there perception seems on the negative side of reality IMO.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> Wait, why is everyone jumping in to support LostInReverie when I basically said the damn same thing and was ignored?
> 
> Is this a board popularity thing? What is it I have to do now to get some @#%$ recognition?


Post attractive pictures of yourself and insist you're ugly.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> Wait, why is everyone jumping in to support LostInReverie when I basically said the damn same thing and was ignored?
> 
> Is this a board popularity thing? What is it I have to do now to get some ****ing recognition?


Well, i feel horrible now, since i seem to have started all this drama.

I don't think you've ever posted a photo, but i had just recently seen that photo of Lost on the other thread.

Why don't you post a photo? I'm sure you're much prettier than you give yourself credit for.

That seems to be par for the course for people with social anxiety.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> Wait, why is everyone jumping in to support LostInReverie when I basically said the damn same thing and was ignored?
> 
> Is this a board popularity thing? What is it I have to do now to get some ****ing recognition?


 :hug


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> Wait, why is everyone jumping in to support LostInReverie when I basically said the damn same thing and was ignored?
> 
> Is this a board popularity thing? What is it I have to do now to get some ****ing recognition?


Yeah, see I was wondering why my post was called a melodramatic whine fest when others posted similar thoughts. Trust me, it's not a popularity thing. I saw your photo in the pic thread and I think you are very attractive, so it really sucks that people have such issues with the whole weight thing. Definitely their loss when it comes to you.


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## Formerly Artie (Jun 26, 2007)

For some reason, I found this thread to be sociologically interesting, from an SA and non-SA standpoint. It's no wonder that more people don't get together with issues such as these. But in all fairness, I'm no exception.


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## GTI79 (Feb 2, 2004)

distance


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Distance shouldn't make much of a difference. Especially given that a large number of SASers have yet to have a girlfriend/boyfriend of any sort, let alone made physical, sexual contact with members of the opposite sex. Even if I did meet someone on here that lived two blocks away, I'd likely want to keep things online for period of time before then taking it to phone and ultimately offline. I'd have to establish a huge comfort level. 

It's quite feasible for people, especially anxious people, to maintain a long-distance relationship. And hey, if things get really serious, your significant other is just a plane ticket away. Two of my most intense relationships began online and resulted in cross-country moves. If you really love someone and you're open to fighting to maintain a relationship with them, distance is not a factor. Too many people expect relationships to be so convenient and just give up when they realize some work might need to be done in order to have one. I see that a lot here.


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## GTI79 (Feb 2, 2004)

path0gen said:


> Distance shouldn't make much of a difference.


If we all had the same level of SA and other disorders you'd prob be right but, remember we're all different.

location,location,location.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

If by that you mean it would be difficult for two agoraphobic personalities to establish something 2,000 miles away from one another, I'd agree. But, in MOST cases, location representing a barrier is more a matter of personal preference and a disinterest in wanting to establish anything long-distance than anything else.


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## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

Formerly Artie said:


> For some reason, I found this thread to be sociologically interesting, from an SA and non-SA standpoint. It's no wonder that more people don't get together with issues such as these. But in all fairness, I'm no exception.


:ditto:

It's like online dating...unless you live in a major city, chances are there just isn't that critical mass of people where you can actually message a girl and expect to get a response, much less move things forward to a date. I'm planning to dip my toes into online dating again but I always find a reason to put it off until "next week when I have more time." And it's 2:30am on Sunday and I'm posting on SAS...go figure.

Long-distance relationships are difficult at best, there's no shame in not wanting to deal with one. My only dating experience was a long distance relationship where my (now ex) girlfriend moved states to live with me. That whole experience built character but it also wiped me out emotionally and I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon.


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## Beggiatoa (Dec 25, 2004)

Interesting post. Funny too. I was about to start a new thread with something similar. I guess it's hopeless then???


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> Distance shouldn't make much of a difference.


Maybe for you. I have absolutely no interest in trying a long-distance relationship. I like where I live and wouldn't move anywhere else, and would never insist on making another person move.

I've tried the long distance thing and been burned too many times to even consider it again.

Anyways, like people already said, most people are seperated by great distances, and the relative number of members is still very tiny compared to the general population.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

path0gen said:


> Distance shouldn't make much of a difference. Especially given that a large number of SASers have yet to have a girlfriend/boyfriend of any sort, let alone made physical, sexual contact with members of the opposite sex. Even if I did meet someone on here that lived two blocks away, I'd likely want to keep things online for period of time before then taking it to phone and ultimately offline. I'd have to establish a huge comfort level.
> 
> It's quite feasible for people, especially anxious people, to maintain a long-distance relationship. And hey, if things get really serious, your significant other is just a plane ticket away. Two of my most intense relationships began online and resulted in cross-country moves. If you really love someone and you're open to fighting to maintain a relationship with them, distance is not a factor. Too many people expect relationships to be so convenient and just give up when they realize some work might need to be done in order to have one. I see that a lot here.


Distance is a problem if one lives in California and the other lives in Toronto, Canada. I found a guy on this board who I won't mention on here to be cute, but he lives in Canada while I live in California.

It's not about convenience. It's about financial status. Sometimes people can't afford to pay for certain situations like this. A plane ticket is very expensive. Not a lot of people have that kind of money to spend on a plane ticket to visit a significant other all the time.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Well, considering you don't know what I look like, I assume you believe your co-workers will take anything with a vagina. Please, hook me up. :sarcasm smiley


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## tainted_ (Feb 20, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> Well, considering you don't know what I look like, I assume you believe your co-workers will take anything with a vagina. Please, hook me up. :sarcasm smiley


From the pictures I have seen of you I think you are very attractive :yes


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Most definitely. Who wouldn't fall for me?

viewtopic.php?f=23&t=58335&p=970802#p970802


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> Most definitely. Who wouldn't fall for me?
> 
> viewtopic.php?f=23&t=58335&p=970802#p970802


Why do you try so hard to convince everybody and yourself that you're ugly?


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

It's not about convincing myself, I know what I am. It's just that I've spent my entire life alienated from society and whenever I try to express that on this forum, y'know, let my feelings out, I always get "oh that's not true" because nobody can see me and it's aggravating. It's taking everything I've struggled with my entire life and discounting it without any sort of proof.

I suppose I'm just looking for some people who understand, but I don't ever find them anywhere. I don't have any people I can relate to and I feel like another creature.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

> It's taking everything I've struggled with my entire life and discounting it without any sort of proof.


You posted this.

It's a shame you're downtrodden in so much self-loathing to see anything beyond that self-hate.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

When people don't look at you with anything but disgust, it's quite difficult not to hate yourself.


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

hmm..


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## pariahgirl (Mar 26, 2008)

^^this is off topic from the other posts but..
I have met someone from this board and it was pretty cool we've seen a few movies together and hung out. I'd be cool meeting more activity partners from this site but it's a little akward I guess, what do you do pm all the people who live in your area and go hey you don't know me but would you like to hang out sometime, wow so akward. :stu it's funny cus' i have actually seen some people on this site who live in my area.


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## TheGecko (Nov 26, 2007)

LostInReverie said:


> It's not about convincing myself, I know what I am. It's just that I've spent my entire life alienated from society and whenever I try to express that on this forum, y'know, let my feelings out, I always get "oh that's not true" because nobody can see me and it's aggravating. It's taking everything I've struggled with my entire life and discounting it without any sort of proof.
> 
> I suppose I'm just looking for some people who understand, but I don't ever find them anywhere. I don't have any people I can relate to and I feel like another creature.


I'm sorry that I did the whole "it's not true" thing before, I never really thought about it like that.

For what it's worth, I can definitely relate to how you feel. I was treated with nothing but disgust by people back when I used to actually interact with others on a regular basis. I know how hard it is to live knowing that other people think you are hideous (not that I think that about you, but I don't want to patronise you any more). I'm sick of being such a freak.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Cuz you are all 2000 miles away, otherwise I'd get my British *** over there for some hot Starbucks lovin 

And some poodle noodlin (dont ask)

Oh and cuz the ones I like are always MARRIED. Yeh, that too.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> When people don't look at you with anything but disgust, it's quite difficult not to hate yourself.


Alright, but consider that a lot of us are in the same boat here, we've all had very difficult lives. You though, whenever somebody tries to compliment you or, i don't know, _be nice_, you go out of your way to sabotage it.

You know, i get that, it's hard accepting kindness when it's strange and unfamiliar, but you seriously need to try and chill. You can still vent and be open about your troubles without alienating the people who actually care.


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

sno said:


> LostInReverie said:
> 
> 
> > When people don't look at you with anything but disgust, it's quite difficult not to hate yourself.
> ...


 :thanks


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

sno said:


> LostInReverie said:
> 
> 
> > When people don't look at you with anything but disgust, it's quite difficult not to hate yourself.
> ...


I get that you're being nice and I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. Thank you for the compliment, you were being very kind, and I'm sorry I offended you. I just am not looking for pity, I'm looking for truth and understanding, so I naturally point out when someone is wrong regardless of their intent. I'm sorry if I appeared angry at you, but trust me I'm not. I don't even know you.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

I wasn't pitying you, nor did i interpret that you were angry.

Your "truth" seems obfuscated by self-loathing, that is what i'm saying. Every one of your messages seems to scream that.

Hey, but i don't know you, i could be wrong. 

We're all trying to help each other though, and maybe i'm not wrong, and maybe you've got something to think about.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Believe what you want, I'm done here.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

LostInReverie said:


> When people don't look at you with anything but disgust, it's quite difficult not to hate yourself.


Are you sure people look at you with disgust?


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Oh most definitely. It's usually pretty obvious.


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

I suspect you sabotage yourself, either consciously or subconsciously, but it's like you _want_ to be looked at that way, i think the less flattering photos you've posted really show that.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Okay, forget it. I really shouldn't have said anything to begin with. I suppose I'm not in the right place. I'm sorry, path0gen, for ruining your thread.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

You didn't ruin my thread. Christ, most threads in this particular section go entirely unanswered or only generate one or two replies. This has been a tremendous success if not exactly in the way I hoped for.

But you might as well give up. Everyone here really WANTS you to be attractive whether you actually are or not. Hey, at least you're getting some nice positive feedback, even if it doesn't jibe with how you feel or what may, in fact, be the reality of the situation. It took me a year to post mine and I didn't get ****.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

I'd rather be truthful than have people like me and I'd rather deal with reality over hearing nice words.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

I think the big issue here was the insistence that your reality (you think you're unappealing) is more valid than their reality (they think you're not). Yes, you live your life and they just see you through a screen, but a kneejerk reaction has to be expected when you outright claim people are invalid or incorrect for giving you a compliment. The fact that they think highly of you is separate from the fact that you don't. Attractiveness and dateability seem to be a topic where people consistently ignore or refuse others point of view, when they would never do so on another topic such as religion.

I struggled with this problem for years, I was never able to accept positive feedback, I kept insisting it wasn't true. What I've found is this generally leads to pointless and exhausting arguments, since I can't see many people agreeing that oh, nevermind, I take my compliment back. 

If positive feedback truly bothers you as it does me, the best thing I've found to do is simply say thank you (or at an extreme, pretend you didn't hear it) and move on. The more arguing over the compliment, the more attention rests on it.

I really hope this post isn't taken as an attack or offensive, but I felt compelled to give my two cents. Accepting kind words is something I've struggled with myself, and seems to be a really consistent issue among many people I know.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

See and I completely agree with you if the situation were in real life. If someone were to actually compliment me to my face, I wouldn't argue because what they're talking about is right in front of them. It's just on the internet that I get frustrated, because people have never seen me and therefore are forming opinions that aren't based on fact. 

In the magical world of reality, you don't go up to a morbidly obese person whom you aren't even sure of the gender and casually mention that you think he/she is attractive. This just means that I should keep my *** off of the internet and stop bothering people, but, y'know, I get lonely.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

im gonna have to agree with batman can


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

Perfectionist said:


> I think the big issue here was the insistence that your reality (you think you're unappealing) is more valid than their reality (they think you're not). Yes, you live your life and they just see you through a screen, but a kneejerk reaction has to be expected when you outright claim people are invalid or incorrect for giving you a compliment. The fact that they think highly of you is separate from the fact that you don't. Attractiveness and dateability seem to be a topic where people consistently ignore or refuse others point of view, when they would never do so on another topic such as religion.
> 
> I struggled with this problem for years, I was never able to accept positive feedback, I kept insisting it wasn't true. What I've found is this generally leads to pointless and exhausting arguments, since I can't see many people agreeing that oh, nevermind, I take my compliment back.
> 
> ...


So would you rather people be rude to you? Or just not say anything to you at all and leave you alone?
It's just a question, I am in no way trying to bash what you wrote at all.


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## LonelyEnigma (Jan 7, 2007)

I think people with SA don't hook up here for the same reason people with SA rarely hook up in real life.... they're too shy. It's almost impossible for two shy people to meet. As much as I would like to date someone with SA, I know it is more likely that I will meet someone without SA simply because...

Extremely Shy + Extremely Shy = No conversation, no asking/answering bold questions, etc. 

But 

Extremely Shy + Not Shy = Possible conversations, and possible asking/answering bold questions

Personal questions/answers are required to learn more about another individual. The reserved nature of people with SA prevents both the asking and answering of personal, bold questions. 

For example, if I chatted with an SA girl, eventually she or I would need to ask questions like, "Want to go to a movie this weekend?" A question like that is very difficult to impossible for someone with severe SA. Our extreme fear of rejection prevents us from asking such a question. A "normal" person, on the other hand, would have no problem asking this kind of question. 

Another main reason why people on the SA forum don't date is due to the fact that many of us don't feel we are ready to be in a relationship and/or we believe any attempt at pursuing a relationship would fail. I, for example, believe both of the above factors. Not only do I think I'm not deserving of a relationship, but I also believe any attempt would ultimately fail. Period. I simply don't believe someone could possible choose me given all the other "normal", cool, popular guys ladies have to choose from. 

While it is true that some ladies are physically attracted to me, and some ladies respect my industriousness.... these things are of little importance if one does not have humor, charm, wit, and confidence. Without these characteristics any attempt to build a relationship is futile. My awareness of these faults allows me to remain rational and not foolishly, futilely pursue a relationship. All girls, even SA girls, like guys who are confident and funny.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

It's hardly impossible. There are thousands of posters on this site, many of which are single and attractive. Yet this particular board is rarely utilized. The internet enables those of us with SA to break out of our shells in a virtual environment. I think it's a fair assumption that if we were all stuck together in a big room, sectioned accordingly for each of these forum topics, a good deal of us would stand there with our hands in our pockets, eyes down and averted if we haven't already fled the room.

My point is, everyone here seems to have a voice, everyone understands one another's condition, at least on a superficial level. And thus everyone here has one very important point of reference with every other poster. Extreme shy + extreme shy does not equal no conversation. Again, this is the internet and allows for even the shyest of individuals to speak his or her mind without fear of repercussions we would experience offline. We're given the perfect opportunity here to meet people that know about doctor visits and medications, reluctance to participate in social events that a social significant other would expect or prefer us to and to accept panic attacks and anxiety as part of who we are rather than a simple obstacle we need to overcome.

If you believe you aren't ready for a relationship, that's one thing. But according to the 'relationships' forum, many of us are already involved, wanting to be involved or wanting advice about how to get involved. I have been in several unsuccessful relationships over the years, some short-term and others long, with various degrees of understanding about my anxieties and very different ideas about how it should be handled. None of these people could empathize, though they swore they would not have a problem with it early into the relationship. Nearly all ultimately did and two admitted that it played a large factor in why we didn't work out as a couple. 

I don't believe that having social anxiety deprives anyone of the ability to be witty, charming and humorous. I just think it's much more difficult to bring these traits to the forefront in situations that aren't very intimate and with people we don't wholly trust. And while I agree that confidence is an admirable attribute, in abundance it is often accompanied by cockiness, immaturity and arrogance, which are frowned upon by perspective female companions. If you've given up on the prospect of ever having a relationship, that's fine. And your other generalizations withstanding, I suppose I should rephrase the question:

Why don't more people with social anxiety who are interested in trying to establish a relationship hook up on here?


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## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

Here's some more food for thought. I just read the book "The Introvert and Extrovert in Love." Apparently in some study the couples who report the most happiness are two introverts in a relationship. The people who report the least happiness with their relationship are extroverted women attached to introverted men and it's seen as the most "unconventional" type of relationship.

The fact of the matter, and they spell it out early on, is that society is straight out biased against introverted men; based on society's expectations, first impressions of ourselves are usually: snobbish, stingy, aloof, too quiet, too serious, can't handle situations, etc. Based on my experience this is pretty much true.

It doesn't mean I'll never make friends or become a leader, but _most_ of the time, dealing with _average_ people, I starting off at a disadvantage because of my personality. This is on top of and separate from social anxiety. Introverted or shy girls don't have it so bad on that particular issue, though I can see where they might have other problems. Of course, the most conventional and socially acceptable relationships are outgoing men hitched to introverted women.

Of course, the message of the book is that couples can have a stronger relationship when they build on their differences as a strength. I can see myself in a long-term relationship with an outgoing woman, but it would have to be someone with good character who values independence. Someone who's working toward positive life goals and not spending every weekend getting drunk with girlfriends (or boyfriends). That seems pretty rare these days.

I'm not sure how a relationship with a shy woman would work out; for me it's hard enough to meet _any_ people at all, much less people who share the same 'lifestyle' that I do. I suck at taking risks. To be honest I'd really prefer a low-intensity, casual relationship right now. I don't really want to marry the next person I date.

I don't mean this to be pessimistic or to rant about how hard it is, though I guess that's what I just did. Anyway, I think people should read the book.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

path0gen said:


> Why don't more people with social anxiety who are interested in trying to establish a relationship hook up on here?


Perhaps many people are simply too shy to admit to someone that he/she "likes" them, or maybe their self-esteem is so low that the feel like they face imminent rejection. I haven't a clue.

For me, personally, I'm too embarrassed about using an internet message board to find a partner. Like, if someone asked, "Where did you two meet?" I would have to come up with a socially desirable explanation (or a comedic one to throw them off my trail), as I would never cop to having an anxiety disorder, let alone to pursuing someone through an internet community. Another problem: I would eventually have to share photographs and I can't do that. I know I'm not the least attractive person in the world, but I'm no Javier Bardem. For one thing, I'm a woman. The mere thought of someone looking at pictures of me is humiliating, not because of the way I look, but due to the awkwardness of sharing photos. Another thing: I would be afraid that, upon actually meeting, the person would expect someone entirely different from who I really am, and the only way I would be able to reconcile this rejection would be to suck on the end of a gun. Excuse me, my basement full of blow-up dolls and Barry White albums awaits me.


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## mserychic (Oct 2, 2004)

Yea why don't you all hook up more? I met my ex on here and I'm dealing with a tiny percentage of the population :b Actually I've heard of tons of hook ups on here. Way, way more than I've ever heard of on every other board I've been on. There's been a few marriages and even 2 or 3 SAS babies.


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## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

mserychic said:


> Actually I've heard of tons of hook ups on here. Way, way more than I've ever heard of on every other board I've been on. There's been a few marriages and even 2 or 3 SAS babies.


Kori's right, there's been a lot of people that have gotten together through this board. Maybe it doesn't seem that way since most people choose to keep their love lives private :stu


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## LonelyEnigma (Jan 7, 2007)

path0gen said:


> My point is, everyone here seems to have a voice, everyone understands one another's condition, at least on a superficial level. And thus everyone here has one very important point of reference with every other poster. Extreme shy + extreme shy does not equal no conversation. Again, this is the internet and allows for even the shyest of individuals to speak his or her mind without fear of repercussions we would experience offline.


I think it is a lot easier for people to talk on a forum than it is to engage in direct online communication. Personally, I don't have much fear when making online forum post; however, the though of chatting or emailing to one specific person with the intent of dating scares me. I've never chatted or even sent emails directly to another individual for intimate reason.

That's is kind of what I was referring to when I said "extremely shy + extremely shy = no conversation". If I was to engage in direct online communication with a forum member, with the intention of dating, I would be MUCH more reticent than I am on this forum. I would imagine that other members feel this way as well.

I think the reason many of us feel so comfortable about speaking freely on this forum is due to the fact the it is anonymous and that we don't have to see or meet each other outside of this forum. If I say something embarrassing or personal here, it doesn't matter much because I'm anonymous.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

People have already said why, distance and the fact that just because we all have SA doesn't mean we automatically get along and have chemistry.


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## bk (May 2, 2004)

People being unsocial on a social anxiety message board? I can see how that would be unexpected. 

Reasons I don't 'hook-up' with people on this site: 
- Being too shy to meet people on this site.
- Distance. Not many people in my area. And I don't have all that much desire to try a long distance relationship.


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## kelso (Apr 23, 2008)

I would love to "hook up here", even if it is long distance eg. other country. I love to hear about what other people are doing and where they live. Let's face it, it is communication in this day and age and for people like me it makes my day to hear other peoples news.
Okay, it would be nice to be face to face but that is not always possible.
I would love to "talk" to people with the same interests as myself.
In my day we used to write letters. Now we do emails or forums, same difference!!


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

Drella said:


> path0gen said:
> 
> 
> > Why don't more people with social anxiety who are interested in trying to establish a relationship hook up on here?
> ...


 :rain


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)




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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

isnt that the girl that played spence's girlfriend in king of queens?


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

There's someone in the world that has actually watched an episode of "King of Queens?" That's from SNL's "Debbie Downer" sketch, by the way. Hence the name.... "Debbie Downer."


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

I have... watched an episode or two of King of Queens. Hey, it isn't so bad for an average sitcom.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I have...hung out at a trucker rest stop.

No! I mean, yes! I've seen the King of Queens too.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Drella said:


> There's someone in the world that has actually watched an episode of "King of Queens?" That's from SNL's "Debbie Downer" sketch, by the way. Hence the name.... "Debbie Downer."





Rufus said:


> I have... watched an episode or two of King of Queens. Hey, it isn't so bad for an average sitcom.


OMG im going to place you two on my foes list


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## GTI79 (Feb 2, 2004)

Drella said:


> There's someone in the world that has actually watched an episode of "King of Queens?."


the wife is hot. :stu


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## terrific81 (Apr 7, 2007)

funny show


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

nubly said:


> Drella said:
> 
> 
> > There's someone in the world that has actually watched an episode of "King of Queens?" That's from SNL's "Debbie Downer" sketch, by the way. Hence the name.... "Debbie Downer."
> ...


I can't believe this, and after all the times we've had. The laughs... the cries... the nip slips. We were there, man.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

I LOVE King of Queens.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Yes, I refuse to "hook up" with anyone who doesn't enjoy the King of Queens.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

GTI79 said:


> Drella said:
> 
> 
> > There's someone in the world that has actually watched an episode of "King of Queens?."
> ...


Agreed.


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## ruinthps (Aug 15, 2007)

The reason I have not hooked up with anyone from this is I have not found any girls near me whatsoever.


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## Watske (Apr 12, 2008)

> Since our lives generally seem to revolve around our ability or lack thereof to communicate properly with others, you would think finding someone who can empathyze with that would be extremely appealing.


I can't figure it out either. Desperation is a powerful driving force and, more and more, i'm driven to find a partner - if just an online friend (female) - out of desperation.

However, women don't seem to react the same way. Desperation doesn't necessarily make them go find just about any man they can get their hands on. You know you're desperate, and it seems right to find a woman in the same situation as yours, and you assume she's desperate too - it certainly appears that way - and then they don't act the part.

The way i perceive it, is that it's essentially a female thing we have to figure out. Why are they not driven, out of desperation, to hook up with anyone here.



> The photos don't show that I'm more than 100 lbs overweight, which last time I checked, wasn't okay. Throw in that I'm a @#%$ addict with no hope of recovery due to my inferior will and you have someone who really has no reason to be alive. It's super fun.


I'm a food addict too. I'm a man of pleasures... My will is set only to one thing, to have fun, and food is fun. Maybe you could be an online friend and we could try to go on a diet together, and skype together to go through it together. In fact, i might leave you a private message.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

"Desperation" is never a good reason to hook up with someone. It won't last.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Not many sa individuals in my area


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Much like real dating sites, if you don't post a picture your chances are near nil.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

ruinthps said:


> The reason I have not hooked up with anyone from this is I have not found any girls near me whatsoever.


 :ditto

I wonder what the first meeting would be like. I envision it as being rather awkward...


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