# First Session



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Well, to be fair, this ended up not feeling like a session. The first real session with be next time. I gave a bunch of basic information, biographical, family, job, living situation, basic health, etc.

I was a bit generic when it came to what brought me to the office. I said that I have trouble meeting people and get social anxiety when I feel I might be judged or evaluated. I added that this tends to result in my becoming socially isolated (mentioned having no friends here). I also mentioned the bit about my job security worries...She asked me if I had actually heard things that would confirm my fears, and I explained how I did.

It turns out though that I'll be assigned to another therapist. She thinks that this other therapist will be the best match for me since apparently she is very familiar with social anxiety and problems stemming from it. 

I won't have another session though until the 19th due to my work schedule (I'll just have sessions on the weekends). 

The only thing I have to do until then is fill out a sheet of tangible goals I want to accomplish. That's going to be a tough one actually. The only thing I'm sure I'd like to do is to develop a few social contacts so I'm not totally isolated in this city. Besides that, I'm kind of blanking for now.

Also, I want to add that I felt ridiculously nervous going into this!! The best way to describe it is to say that I felt like I was becoming the little girl from The Exorcist. OK, so maybe that's a bit dramatic, but I felt like I was possessed or something because I just seemed to be sabotaging myself a bit (anxiety "demons" running wild and making me feel ill).

The therapist mentioned it must have been hard for me to call the office, and I told her that I had thought of making a similar call for several years. She wanted to know why I thought I could do it now, and I wasn't too sure other than to say that I thought that having a job and living in a new city might be a good time for me to try it and start fresh or something.

So, that's about it.


----------



## TorLin (Nov 14, 2006)

yeah the first meet up is really a introduction type of deal. Im glad you went though. keep us informed


----------



## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Yep, keep us informed. 
You have a talent of composing interesting short stories.


----------



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Well done Adam! Just keep riding it out and wait to see what happens  Try to bring up as much as you can and give it time. As you know yourself, the more you put in, the more you get out - therapists arent psychic 

Really well done for working through that anxiety!


----------



## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

Did you see the psych again this week?


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Nah, due to my only really being available on nights and weekends, I am having to wait until the 19th. So my first "real" session will be next Saturday at noon with one of the other therapists. She was booked this past weekend due to the short notice or something.


----------



## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

I'd be a bit concerned with them shuffling you around like that unless you are now seeing the other therapist regularly. It is crucial in a successful therapy to see the same therapist(s) and on a regular basis.


----------



## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Have you made your list of goals yet? 

Good luck and keep us posted!

Lisa


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'll be seeing her weekly starting next weekend. The psych I saw initially felt bad about the delay, and offered to try to come up with something earlier, but I said I didn't mind the extra week delay.

Hey, Lisa. I'm having trouble with the goals. I've filled out most of the questions in the questionnaire though. I think I still have some shame in regards to interpersonal relationships, and I can't seem to shake it for long enough to be able to see clearly what exactly it is that I want. I know that I can occasionally feel lonely, and I know that total social isolation (aside from work) is not likely a good place to be in for the long term. I suppose a goal could be to meet people or something. That just seems a bit vague though.

It's kind of hard to specify what it is that I would want from other people. I think if I can just break down the walls of shame, I might not feel embarrassed about the idea of meeting people (just to have social contacts).


----------



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hi Ardie

My goals are 

1. "develop honest and emotionally fulfilling relationships"
2. Ask others to meet my emotional needs instead of denying they exist
3. Begin to feel compassion for all people
4. Cultivate self care and personal achievement, instead of relying on approval from others for self esteem, in order to generate my own sense of self love.
5. To learn to view the world as an AFFILIATIVE place instead of a social ranking system - that is, to see the way that people help, support and give to one another.
6. To cultivate my own gifts, to recognise them without arrigance or false humility, and to share them freely with no expectation of return.

Thats the plan, Stan.

Ross


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Oh-chee-mama.


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

OK, I answered a boatload more questions.................



Briefly describe your relationship with your brothers and/or sisters. 

I get along with my brothers and sisters. I sometimes feel guarded around them though. I don't want to be looked down on or criticized by them.


Briefly describe your mother.

My mom has been a bit controlling and overprotective in my life. She is friendly, outgoing, and talkative. She seems to be afraid of change to a certain extent and/or might think the world is more dangerous than it really is. 

How did she discipline you?

She usually would just tell me she was disappointed in me. I'd feel guilty for disappointing her, and I'd double my efforts to be "good."

How did she reward you?

She would tell me she was proud of me. The approval itself was the award.

Did your mother have any problems (e.g., alcoholism, violence, etc.) that may have affected your childhood development?

No.

Is there anything unusual about your relationship with your mother?

No.

Mother's treatment of... You, Your Family, Your Father (1-7, poor to excellent)

6, 6, 6

Briefly describe your father.

My dad seems to just go along with whatever my mom wants. He seems content to just do whatever she wants him to do. He is more introverted than my mom. He's very agreeable and friendly.

How did he discipline you?

He would echo my mom's thoughts and express disapproval.

How did he reward you?

Like my mom, he'd congratulate me for accomplishing something.

Did your father have any problems (e.g., alcoholism, violence, etc.) that may have affected your childhood development?


No.

Is there anything unusual about your relationship with your father?


No.

Dad's treatment of... You, Your Family, Your Mother (1-7, poor to excellent)

6, 6, 7

Comment about each of the above thoughts that occur frequently or of concern to you (most people don't like me, why am I so different, no emotions, lonely)

Most people don't like me. ----- It's not that I think most people dislike me, but they don't seem too interested in me either. I feel too timid and weird for most people to actually like me. 

Why am I so different? ----- I feel like I am very different from most people to the point where they don't understand me or want to understand me. I don't blend in well if I try to, and I generally struggle at making friends/relationships, which is very unusual compared to most people.

No emotions. ----- I sometimes have a hard time expressing emotions or noticing them. I kind of feel like my emotions are muted or desaturated. My mood almost seems too stable, almost as if my emotions aren't there or suppressed.

Lonely. ----- I don't always feel lonely, but it's there from time to time. I wouldn't want to be around people all the time, but it would be nice to occasionally have someone I could reliably spend time with and trust openly and honestly. I can't imagine being in a romantic relationship, but just having some friends I can relate to and trust would be nice.

Give examples of how they affect you (anxiety, phobias/fears, thoughts disorganized)

Anxiety. ----- I get very nervous when faced with situations in which I might be evaluated or judged. I fear rejection as well, which triggers uncomfortable adrenaline surges. Doing something very challenging makes me feel like I'm jumping out of a plane. Anxiety keeps me isolated, and I frequently resort to avoidance instead of addressing difficulties. 

Phobias/fears ----- I'm afraid of losing independence and being subjugated. I'm intensely afraid of expressing love, having sex, and being subjugated/controlled in romantic relationships. These fears seem related to my having little to no interest in romantic relationships. It's too hard to imagine.

Thoughts disorganized ----- It's sometimes hard for me to understand why I'm not as happy as I think I should be. I often get confused and a bit frustrated when I try to sort it out. Sometimes it's hard for me to answer the most basic questions about myself adequately.

5 greatest weaknesses

1. Timid/unassertive.
2. Detached from emotions and love.
3. Too dependent on avoiding instead of addressing my problems.
4. Not an attractive person to most people.
5. Lacking in long-term goals and direction.

list main social difficulties

I have a hard time opening up to people. I first come across as "generic" to a lot of people and try to please everyone in order to gain approval and protect myself from rejection. Unless I'm comfortable, I will tend to react how I think people want me to react.

list main difficulties at work

I don't really love my job, but it gives me a sense of order and sustains me financially. I don't know what else I'd want to do or how I'd get there. I try very hard to please my coworkers, but I don't enjoy myself or value my work.

list main difficulties at home

It's just me at home. I can get a bit bored or lonely, but I relax well when I'm alone too. Solitude is not a bad thing, but it can become a problem if I'm always alone over the long term.

list behaviors you'd like to change

I'd like to be able to open up more to others and make myself more vulnerable. I'd like to not rely on approval so much as a measure of my self-esteem. I'd like to be more in touch with my emotions and emotional needs. I'd like to meet people I can relate to and trust.


----------



## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

You sound a lot like me. Good luck with your therapy!


----------



## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Ardrum,

having just read your last post, I think you will be successful.

You want to open up more to other people.... you already did it! 

Lisa


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

It's a bit easier to open up to a collection of avatars and words on a computer screen though.  :lol


----------



## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

Putting your picture online is pretty open though. Contrary to popular belief, I am not actually Stephen Colbert and I couldn't put my picture online.


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Yeah, I do that and post "shameful" photos here too (nasty photos, ketchup man, box man, me in women's pajamas, etc). I'm not always 100% comfortable with it, but I just do it anyway. What's the worst that will happen? People will insult me and call me names? If I think about what the worst outcome is, I think I can handle it. I think more people actually seem to be entertained by it than angry/insulting.

I've never seen anyone's photo on SAS and thought, "Oh man, how ugly and DISGUSTING!! I can't believe they'd show their face on here." Even if someone thinks that about me, I don't see the alternative (hiding myself forever) as a superior solution. Some people will hate how I look, and I'd rather get used to that now. Maybe not everyone thinks we look vile and repulsive too.

Didn't you post your picture before, or am I remembering something else?


----------

