# Girlfriend has "guy friend" -- did I overreact??



## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

It's very possible I overreacted to this -- but it's also possible my "gut" is 100% spot on.

Long story short:

Girlfriend and I come home.

Then her best "guy friend" calls.

Quick back story:

* Long time friends.
* He's had a crush on her before.
* Tried to get her to be his roommate. 
* She's stayed his house, slept on his couch. 
* She told me, "If only I had feelings for him, it would be easy, because he's loyal to me" (this is when I first met her and she seemed embarrassed confessing this to me).

They proceed to talk in the other room for an HOUR and a HALF. I wouldn't care so much if she hadn't be cooing, giggling, cackling and just busting and hanging on his every word! It even sounded like there was some flirtation.

It was jarring. They sounded like two love birds. Not exaggerating. I was PISSED beyond belief. I was hurt, devastated. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! It sounded like total betrayal before my eyes, and she cared so little about me, she was just lost in her own little world talking to him and thought nothing of the fact I could hear it from the other room.

I let her know later. Then she writes me after I go to bed and says on Facebook, "Oh he means nothing to me, maybe I need to distance myself from him, I can see why you would be upset."

Next day, she tells her friend, and her friend writes me on Facebook a very long, emphatic message, saying how great my GF is, how she has ZERO feelings for this guy, she would NEVER cheat, she is crazy about me, I have NOTHING to worry about, and I'm being a little too "judgmental" about the whole thing.

I know what I heard and it pissed me the hell off.

But her and her friend dismissed it like it was nothing, "that's just how I talk to him," etc. She offered to take me out to dinner, too, make up for it. She seemed sincere, I guess.

I'm not a jealous or possessive person, it's _*how she sounds when she talks to him* that bothers me, and she acts like I'm CRAZY. "OH THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON!! OH I'VE NEVER HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM!!!"

Then why does she *sound* like she does? Who talks to a "guy friend" for an hour and a half in front of their significant other ANYWAY?! I would never do that with one of my 'girl' friends. And the way she cooed, cackled and giggling... jesus... it was just downright syrupy, hanging on his every word. She sounded like she was in her own little world and forgot I could hear it all in the other room._

What's worse: at the end of the convo, she gets on her 'fake' Okcupid profile and starts talking to him about it, about guys who write her, etc.

This is where I about ****ing exploded. I knew she had this 'fake' profile, but I thought she stopped using it. It's not one she ever used to meet guys on, but still. That's just NOT COOL to open that up and talk to a guy friend about it while I'm in the other room.

But what is crazy is how she ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. Like I was just crazy, like she did NOTHING inappropriate AT ALL.

Am I crazy?

Maybe she's telling the truth. She's known the guy a long time and maybe she's just "comfortable" with him, since her and I haven't known each other that long. Maybe that's alllll this is. Her friend really went to bat for her, too. But even IF she's that comfortable, you don't talk to him for an HOUR and a HALF while I'm in the house!

My gut says something rotten in the state of Denmark. I was just really surprised by how emphatic her friend was, so I took that into account, but I still feel like **** even two days later. And it didn't seem that my GF was that upset or REALIZED how serious this is. She almost seemed to be in a better mood yesterday, better than normal.

I actually didn't overreact at all now that I think about it. I just told her how I felt.

Thanks for reading.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

is he better looking then you, what does he look like.

This is very important


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Zeeshan said:


> is he better looking then you, what does he look like.
> 
> This is very important


I'd say we're about the same. I think I'm a little better looking. We're both skinny white guys, more or less.

She acts like she's never been into him or attracted to him, but that can change.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

If you don't trust your girlfriend, you have no reason to be with her. She says she has only friendship feelings for him, and girls are quite capable of talking to a friend on the phone for an hour and a half.

I think what you know to be true is that he probably has feelings for her. I'm sure he tells her, and you, that he doesn't...but I'm sure he does. 

I guess you could explain to her that, in your eyes, her friend is basically her other boyfriend that she doesn't have sex with...


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Kanfusuuruq said:


> Yea I think you bagged a two timing girl who wanted her to have her cake and eat it too. Then she thought she would lose you and possibly cried about it to her best friend. There were to many dodgy things going on. She seems like she wanted a steady nice bloke who wouldn't leave her even if she did such things. I've dealt with something similar.


I don't know why she would do it in front of me though.

If she wanted to coo and cackle and flirt with him, she'd make an excuse to go outside and talk to him in her car or something.

I felt more like she's just clueless, has no idea of basic tact, and really got lost in her own little world with him, just isn't at all aware of how she sounded. Or, she's just an idiot, wanted to make me jealous, or she DOES have feelings for this guy and has so little respect for me she doesn't care if I notice (she'll just deny it, as long as I'm useful to her).


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

No offence, but it does seem you did over react, and perhaps have a bit of a jealousy issue...to me anyway. But you realise it, so maybe it can be something you can come to terms with.

People come with friends. That's natural. Some will be guys, some will be girls. It's hard enough for many people to keep friends as it is, so they are very precious and important to have. I think you really should be happy for her to have someone like that in her life, tbh. You can't really expect someone to let go, or dial down a long term friendship like that. 

She's your girlfriend, sure, but you don't own her. 

That said, don't be too hard on yourself. It was probably a bit of a shock to you, but you should come to terms with it. Maybe the this whole episode will help clear the air a little.


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

TicklemeRingo said:


> No offence, but it does seem you did over react, and perhaps have a bit of a jealousy issue...to me anyway. But you realise it, so maybe it can be something you can come to terms with.
> 
> People come with friends. That's natural. Some will be guys, some will be girls. It's hard enough for many people to keep friends as it is, so they are very precious and important to have. I think you really should be happy for her to have someone like that in her life, tbh. You can't really expect someone to let go, or dial down a long term friendship like that.
> 
> That said, don't be too hard on yourself. It was probably a bit of a shock to you, but you should come to terms with it.


So... the fact this guy obviously has feelings for her, and flirted with her and made her coo and cackle in front of me should be of no concern to me at all and I shouldn't be jealous?

Got it. I think I'll pass on that advice.

This all might be different if her and I had been together longer, and I had met this guy and I was comfortable with this situation. Instead, this guy has dissed me, as he does with all the guys she dates.

It's not cut and dried "people have friends". There's a nuance that goes along with how you handle opposite sex friendships when dating someone. It's got nothing to do with "jealousy". I'd be stupid not to have noticed how she sounded on the phone with him.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

I would have felt the way you did. I think if you have a bf or gf it's not cool to go looking for all kinds of attention from others of the opposite sex. But those are my values, different people have different values, so it sounds like you and your gf don't share the same values in this area, which is a problem. I've been in that situation before and it's painful. Imo, it's not something you can fix or negotiate, either. Maybe others have had success doing that. I never have.


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## Tu Cielo (Jun 5, 2011)

You didn't overreact. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7 years, so we've both gone through our share of friends who wanna be more than friends. While your girlfriend may not like him that way, the fact that he might/does like her makes it rather inappropriate for her to be on the phone with him for an hour and a half while she's hanging out with you. I don't think that you should tell her to stop talking to him or seeing him, but I think it would be important for you guys to compromise and set some boundaries. Communication is integral in a relationship and needs to be done without blaming anyone or losing control of emotions. 

It is possible that she DOES have feelings for him and is only saying that she doesn't so that you wouldn't be mad or jealous (doesn't mean that she's cheating though). Her friend could be covering up for her in order to help her out, but you never know. They are most likely just really good friends and she doesn't realize how her actions are upsetting you.

Wait a little bit for things to cool down, and try talking to her again. Good luck!


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

You asked for opinions about the information you provide in the original post. You cant then blame me for not taking into account any other information about the length of time you've been dating, or his "diss" of you, and so on.

Unless you only wanted people to agree with you, I'm not sure why you'd ask for the opinions of strangers. You disagree with my opinion and that's fine, you're of course in a much better position to judge than me. But you asked, and as it happens, based on the information provided I still think you overreacted.

I suspect you're upset because she seems happier and more comfortable when she's talking to him than with you. He's an old friend, of course that's going to be the case. You are relatively new. Perhaps you're just not as special as you think you are to her just yet. You'll have to stick around for a while to really earn your place with her, or to see if you were right to be distrustful of her. 
I don't think you'll be able to do that if you fly into a jealous rage every time she has the audacity to have a long conversation with an old friend.

But yeah, maybe the two of them should tone it down a little for a while, to give you a chance to become more sure of where you and her stand.

Whatever, good luck.


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

TicklemeRingo said:


> You asked for opinions about the information you provide in the original post. You cant then blame me for not taking into account any other information about the length of time you've been dating, or his "diss" of you, and so on.
> 
> Unless you only wanted people to agree with you, I'm not sure why you'd ask for the opinions of strangers. You disagree with my opinion and that's fine, you're of course in a much better position to judge than me. But you asked, and as it happens I still think you overreacted.
> 
> ...


Sorry for being so reactionary.

You're right -- hearing that level of camaraderie was jarring. I have it with one of my old female friends (the only one I have who is female), but I would never in a million years talk for an hour and a half at that level of intimacy with my female friend in front of my girlfriend (not unless she knew her personally and was friends with her and familiar with her, or I brought her into the conversation to make her feel comfortable).

I felt like I didn't exist. It was just flat out disrespectful.

It's ok to have that level of comfort with a friend -- of course -- but to put it on display with a guy friend, in FRONT of a guy, that is ... just weird. A lot of things can be drawn from that behavior, none of which is her showing any discretion or sense of appropriateness to me.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

It seems unlikely that she would flirt with him right in front of your face for over an hour, and then become surprised when you reacted the way that you did. The more likely scenario is that she didn't give it a second thought because she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. She knows that he's just a friend, and she probably didn't expect you to assume the worst about her.

It's not at all unusual for good friends to talk for over an hour. Whenever I call my sister, or one of my friends that I've known for years, we talk for an hour at least.

It sounds to me like she was just laughing and having a good time with a close friend. And perhaps you were viewing the situation through jealousy goggles. If the same exact scenario occurred with a female friend would you have given it a second thought?


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

au Lait said:


> It seems unlikely that she would flirt with him right in front of your face for over an hour, and then show surprise when you reacted the way that you did. The more likely scenario is that she didn't give it a second thought because she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. She knows that he's just a friend, and she probably didn't expect you to assume the worst about her.
> 
> It's not at all unusual for good friends to talk for over an hour. Whenever I call my sister, or one of my friends that I've known for years, we talk for an hour at least.
> 
> It sounds to me like she was just laughing and having a good time with a close friend. And perhaps you were viewing the situation through jealousy goggles. If the same exact scenario occurred with a female friend would you have given it a second thought?


I pretty much agree with you.  I don't think the OP's issue is truly with his girlfriends actions, or at least it shouldn't be. But I do think his issue should be that there is a good chance that his girlfriends friend has feelings for her, and that's definitely threatening.

It would definitely bother me to watch my girlfriend have a fun phone conversation for an hour and a half, with a guy I knew liked her as more than a friend.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

the cheat said:


> I pretty much agree with you.  I don't think the OP's issue is truly with his girlfriends actions, or at least it shouldn't be. But I do think his issue should be that there is a good chance that his girlfriends friend has feelings for her, and that's definitely threatening.
> 
> It would definitely bother me to watch my girlfriend have a fun phone conversation for an hour and a half, with a guy I knew liked her as more than a friend.


If he trusts her then it shouldn't matter. Just because he likes her doesn't mean that she's going to run off with him. It's her feelings that are important and relevant to the OP's relationship. Not the other guy.

She has made up her mind, and she is with the OP instead of the other guy for a reason. The other guy is just a friend. She's not a possession that can be stolen away (not saying that you're calling her that, but just trying to illustrate the point that she's responsible for making her own decisions).

Even if the other guy does like her, he basically said "She's happy with you and she's not into me" in his message. If he was trying to put the moves on her then I doubt he would have gone out of his way to do that.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

au Lait said:


> If he trusts her then it shouldn't matter. It doesn't mean that she is going to run off with him just because he likes her. And it doesn't mean that they can't have a platonic relationship.
> 
> She has made up her mind, and she is with the OP instead of the other guy for a reason. The other guy is just a friend. She's not a possession that can be stolen away (not saying that you're calling her that, but just making the point that she's responsible for making her own decisions).


Yeah, if I were in this situation, it's not something where I'd break up with her, or make her choose between him and I. I'd just make her aware that I feel threatened by the fact that her guy friend likes her, and I'd ask her if she could appreciate why I'd be feeling that way.

OP, you really have to decide if being with her is worth the feelings that are created when she talks to him and enjoys herself while doing so.
I do like how she responded, her attempts to reassure you and make you feel loved.

Do you have any "girl friends"? I wouldn't suggest going to make a new "friend who is a girl" just to make her jealous, but if you have one you haven't seen in a while, maybe you can catch up with her the next time your girlfriend is spending time with her guy friend.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

JustinT said:


> I'd say we're about the same. I think I'm a little better looking. We're both skinny white guys, more or less.
> 
> She acts like she's never been into him or attracted to him, but that can change.


Actually no if she doesn't find him sexually attractive it would only change If he changes his body n face


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

I was very close with a girl who had a bf. She's married to him now n nothing ever happened between us


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Zeeshan said:


> I was very close with a girl who had a bf. She's married to him now n nothing ever happened between us


Sounds painful, I feel oddly sorry for this guy trying to win her over, he obviously doesn't get the point he is wasting his time and causing friction between the OP and his gf. This other guy sounds like a desperate fool, chasing after unavailable girls. I mean seriously, she states that he means "nothing" to her, if that were the case, she wouldn't even want him as a friend. As Chris Rock would say, this guy friend of hers is the d**k in the glass case, in case the OP screws up--most likely by getting jealous.

To be honest your girlfriend sounds like quite the manipulator, who the hell makes a fake dating account?--People seeking attention from the opposite sex. They want to feel desired and beautiful, she must place a lot of emphasis on her looks, sorry if this sounds rude, I'm just stating the facts here objectively. She obviously cares about you more, so take solace in that, yet I honestly think you deserve better dude, because you're smart enough to not want to deal with these inane immature mind games.

Aside from you being physically attracted to your girlfriend, can you honestly say to yourself that you love her personality?--Are you serious about this girl, is she wife material in your opinion?










I wish I had real advice yet I don't. It seems like a double-edged sword. On one hand if you confront this guy and tell him to back off, you look like the insecure jerk, on the other hand if you pretend to not let it phase you, it might make your gf seem insecure and she may seek appreciation from this other man. Who knows, you were already honest about it, try not to escalate things. State your concerns calmly, yet don't fight about it. She might think it's cute you're jealous or pathetic. Either way, you'll get your answers soon enough, time will tell... All relationships have to overcome the test of trust.

TL;DR

Love triangles are stupid.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Malek said:


> To be honest your girlfriend sounds like quite the manipulator, who the hell makes a fake dating account?--People seeking attention from the opposite sex. They want to feel desired and beautiful, she must place a lot of emphasis on her looks, sorry if this sounds rude, I'm just stating the facts here objectively.


I didn't want to say that, but honestly, that's what I thought, too.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

imho is it just because her friend is male? what if her friend was female and acted the same way, would u dismiss that? they could be bi-sexual, in the end it all comes down to trust, without trust there is nothing= walk away


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

Honestly OP, this is a little complicated. Opposite-sex friendships tend to be pretty easy to manage when everyone's single and it's really hard to balance out when someone gets in a relationship. 

I don't know what I would do if a girl I hadn't been dating long told me she didn't want me to have female friends (or much contact with them). When you're in a romantic relationship with somebody it's supposed to kind of override all your other relationships and be the most important. But that gets weird sometimes because you usually have a set of friendships with a lot more built up rapport/trust. Even though I guess it probably isn't good to go into a relationship expecting it to fail, I'd know intellectually that any relationship with a long-term friend is likely to outlast that of a new girlfriend. Hence, I might be hesitant to damage the former for the benefit of the latter.

So, I guess I'm saying I get why you don't like the situation, but I'd expect a battle if you try to put your foot down to hard. I think some minor concessions on her part might be fair though. Tell her you don't like her to spend so much time on the phone when you're with her, for example. Actually, I'm sure that would be pretty annoying even if it wasn't with him.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

TicklemeRingo said:


> People come with friends.


^ Key point here.

She was already friends with him before you came on the scene, so you don't have a whole lot of grounds on which to complain. It would be different if she met this guy after already having gotten into a relationship with you.

An hour and a half seems a bit long, considering you were there with her, but outside of that, I don't get a feeling of 'trouble' from what you write here. (The length of the phone call just seems more inconsiderate than anything else.)

Personally, I have a female friend who I'm in constant contact with, and we talk about personal stuff all the time. If I got into a relationship, I wouldn't be cutting contact with her -- we'd be a package deal: Take it or leave it. Again, it would be different if this was a girl I met _after_ getting into a relationship -- _that_, I wouldn't expect a partner to put up with. But the friend that gets 'grandfathered in', is there to stay.

You've gotta have faith in your partner, and if you can't wrap your head around it, then you'll probably have to let it go.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

OP, I've read through your whole story. I'm a firm believer that our brain exists precisely because the gut can't be trusted.

From an outsider's perspective I'm going to try to be objective here. Your girlfriend seems to have a strong bond with her male friend.

*On one hand*, it is hard to guess the true nature of her feelings for him, despite what she tells you. Let's not speculate over cackling, giggling and other details subject to interpretation. Many girls have fake profiles on dating site, it's something they love to do for the laughs.

*On the other hand*, your girlfriend clearly understands your feelings of jealousy since her best friend went over to you to comfort you, and your gf wants to invite you to dinner to 'make it up to you'.

*Conclusion*: I think your girlfriend is not going to leave you regardless of the feelings (whatever their nature may be) she has for her male friend. She looks like she is quite invested in her current relationship with you. To top it off, the first time you met her, she already told you she wasn't enamored with the other guy. I think you're still on the safe side, based on the info you have provided in your post.

There is still a (slight?) probability that she might develop true feelings for him over time. She may cheat on you once or twice (maybe she already did), or she may break up with you to start a relationship with the other guy - but at the present moment, my little pinky tells me that it's rather unlikely.

I know how it feels to be paranoid in a relationship, I've been there. Now, chill out, take a breather and have some of this, on the house:


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Whether she's into this guy or not, she has low self esteem. No one makes a fake okcupid account when they feel good about themselves. Maybe you could ask her how you can help her with her self esteem.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Just Lurking said:


> Personally, I have a female friend who I'm in constant contact with, and we talk about personal stuff all the time. If I got into a relationship, I wouldn't be cutting contact with her -- we'd be a package deal: Take it or leave it. Again, it would be different if this was a girl I met _after_ getting into a relationship -- _that_, I wouldn't expect a partner to put up with. But the friend that gets 'grandfathered in', is there to stay.
> 
> You've gotta have faith in your partner, and if you can't wrap your head around it, then you'll probably have to let it go.


Are you saying that on the basis that your friendship is mutually platonic? Would your opinion be different if your friend had feelings for you beyond friendship, even though those feelings weren't returned by you?

I can't see your girlfriend being thrilled with watching you thoroughly enjoy a 90 minute conversation with a girl who she knew had romantic feelings for you...

Again, this guy used to have a crush on his girlfriend, and more than likely, still does...that would totally bother me.

I could understand a casual friendship, but a close friendship would be tough to witness and feel comfortable with.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

the cheat said:


> Are you saying that on the basis that your friendship is mutually platonic? Would your opinion be different if your friend had feelings for you beyond friendship, even though those feelings weren't returned by you?


The only one whose feelings really matter is the one who's in the relationship. Let's face it -- there are some girls who are desired by just about every guy they come into contact with. That kind of girl is bound to have a number of male friends who would get with her if given the chance (and who have probably made their feelings known) -- maybe even a number of male friends who are only "friends" with her for that sole purpose. None of that means she's going to reciprocate, although I definitely understand feeling uneasy about it.



the cheat said:


> I can't see your girlfriend being thrilled with watching you thoroughly enjoy a 90 minute conversation with a girl who she knew had romantic feelings for you...


That was inconsiderate on her part. I don't think she should have done that -- I wouldn't do that. Or if I did, I would involve my girlfriend, introduce them, etc. It would be entirely open, and I would never leave my girlfriend in the lurch like that.



the cheat said:


> I could understand a casual friendship, but a close friendship would be tough to witness and feel comfortable with.


Phone conversations and online conversations, I can see as OK. Same with hanging out in the presence of mutual friends (or with their significant others). However, if they're spending one-on-one time together or they're at each other's houses, then that's too much. No boyfriend or girlfriend should have to deal with that.

Anyway, if all of this is a serious hangup for the partner, then either he or she has a decision to make :stu


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I don't think its normal to have a fake OKCupid account and use it in a relationship. That would make me think differently about her or her friend's intentions.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't know her, and I didn't see what happened, so it's impossible to form a decent opinion based on that but based on what I know I'd say you probably did overreact. I might be biased though because I've known a lot of those overreacting guys who get stupidly jealous all the time, and don't think women should have male friends :roll

Sometimes people just get on really well because they're close, it doesn't meant they're flirting. Jeez...


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

au Lait said:


> It seems unlikely that she would flirt with him right in front of your face for over an hour, and then become surprised when you reacted the way that you did. The more likely scenario is that she didn't give it a second thought because she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. She knows that he's just a friend, and she probably didn't expect you to assume the worst about her.
> 
> It's not at all unusual for good friends to talk for over an hour. Whenever I call my sister, or one of my friends that I've known for years, we talk for an hour at least.
> 
> It sounds to me like she was just laughing and having a good time with a close friend. And perhaps you were viewing the situation through jealousy goggles. If the same exact scenario occurred with a female friend would you have given it a second thought?


^ I basically agree with everything here.


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## redblue22 (May 10, 2013)

be as mad as you want. you see who she is. is that what you want?


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## daymann (Sep 18, 2013)

the online profile is fishy if she's talking to the same guy on it, which I think is what I read. Why can't she just message him on fb or something? why go to that site? 

I say let things cool down, then ask her a few questions. then see if she does it again.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

daymann said:


> the online profile is fishy if she's talking to the same guy on it, which I think is what I read. Why can't she just message him on fb or something? why go to that site?
> 
> I say let things cool down, then ask her a few questions. then see if she does it again.


I think you read wrong. Although the phrasing was a bit ambiguous.


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## daymann (Sep 18, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> I think you read wrong. Although the phrasing was a bit ambiguous.


You're right :yes

this is what I misinterpreted

"What's worse: at the end of the convo, she gets on her 'fake' Okcupid profile and starts talking to him about it, about guys who write her, etc. "

hey op, do you spend alot of time with her? if you guys just hang around the house all day, she probably didn't think anything of it. It's not like you two had planned a date and she decided to call him at the diner table... If she knew it was bothering you, she'd probably stop for you, right? that should tell you something.


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

Key point here: People come with friends.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

Fruitcake said:


> Key point here: People come with friends.


And friends come with genitals.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Personally it sounds like you're being very possessive. Once you told her it bothered you she offered to change her entire relationship with this guy solely for your benefit. And clearly it upset her because she talked to her friend enough about it for her friend to message you to clear things up.

Be careful. If you keep going like this you will drive her away.



Malek said:


> To be honest your girlfriend sounds like quite the manipulator, who the hell makes a fake dating account?


If you don't understand why someone would make a fake online dating account for entertainment then clearly you have never been a woman on an online dating site.

(yes. yes I have)


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

kiirby said:


> If you don't understand why someone would make a fake online dating account for entertainment then clearly you have never been a woman on an online dating site.


Maybe you're not a person I'd take very seriously then. Maybe not her, either. Entertainment? Fine. Keeping it up and running and checking on it while you're still with someone, let alone checking whilst on the phone with your 'flirtatious 'friend'? Not cool.

An online dating profile is still an online dating profile, "fake" or not. She used her real photos, for instance.

Bear in mind, I think she was just in her "own little world", not remotely cognizant of what she was doing. That tells me her level of respect and awareness towards me is not there. She sounded like a teenager. It is what it is.


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I don't know her, and I didn't see what happened, so it's impossible to form a decent opinion based on that but based on what I know I'd say you probably did overreact. I might be biased though because I've known a lot of those overreacting guys who get stupidly jealous all the time, and don't think women should have male friends :roll
> 
> Sometimes people just get on really well because they're close, it doesn't meant they're flirting. Jeez...


You're really not getting it. It's established the dude likes her/has feelings for her on some level. How many times does this have to be reiterated?

If he were gay, 20 years older or younger, or I *knew* him personally, this would NOT be a problem.


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

Mr Bacon said:


> And friends come with genitals.


Yeah, I mean, people come with friends.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

kiirby said:


> If you don't understand why someone would make a fake online dating account for entertainment then clearly you have never been a woman on an online dating site.
> 
> (yes. yes I have)


Good for you, I'm sure you've learned quite a bit about how forward and disgusting males can be, because it's their role usually to do the approaching--Oh wait you already knew it, yet you wanted to witness it firsthand and try to overcome the awkwardness wearing your disguise...

Honestly it's funny you mention that, because I have a subtle paranoia that some of these so called "girls" I've been chatting with online, might actually be guys--yet I choose to quickly disregard this notion and prefer to chat under the assumption they're female. Honestly if they revealed to me they were male, I'd be shocked at first, then pissed off because of being betrayed like that, I wouldn't necessarily ever want to talk to them again, because I don't forgive easily when it comes to serious lies or transgressions. Yet I would point out that they spent a lot of energy and time on their facade, I was actually convinced of their amazing personality, and that if I were gay or a girl, perhaps things would be different, or if he just didn't deceive me in the beginning, we could of been friends, etc.

Anyways this was off topic, sorry. I see no appeal in making fake dating accounts, you'd be more productive playing videogames, at least I think so...


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

Dump her op, no reason for a woman to have male friends unless the male is gay. She's making u look like a damn fool. Slept over at this dudes house? Do you honestly think she slept on the couch ???? Lol she cheated on you bro, and if for some reason u wanna still be with her, then invite some girls to sleep over and see how she likes it. Oh and are you sure he isn't gay? If he's gay then it's ok lol. Me as a guy, only reason I'd be friends with a girl is to get inside her pants


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Sam1911 said:


> Dump her op, no reason for a woman to have male friends unless the male is gay. She's making u look like a damn fool. Slept over at this dudes house? Do you honestly think she slept on the couch ???? Lol she cheated on you bro, and if for some reason u wanna still be with her, then invite some girls to sleep over and see how she likes it. Oh and are you sure he isn't gay? If he's gay then it's ok lol. Me as a guy, only reason I'd be friends with a girl is to get inside her pants


Good to know you haven't changed a bit, Sam.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

Sam1911 said:


> Dump her op, no reason for a woman to have male friends unless the male is gay. She's making u look like a damn fool. Slept over at this dudes house? Do you honestly think she slept on the couch ???? Lol she cheated on you bro, and if for some reason u wanna still be with her, then invite some girls to sleep over and see how she likes it. Oh and are you sure he isn't gay? If he's gay then it's ok lol. Me as a guy, only reason I'd be friends with a girl is to get inside her pants


 :wtf


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Malek said:


> Good for you, I'm sure you've learned quite a bit about how forward and disgusting males can be, because it's their role usually to do the approaching--Oh wait you already knew it, yet you wanted to witness it firsthand and try to overcome the awkwardness wearing your disguise...
> 
> Honestly it's funny you mention that, because I have a subtle paranoia that some of these so called "girls" I've been chatting with online, might actually be guys--yet I choose to quickly disregard this notion and prefer to chat under the assumption they're female. Honestly if they revealed to me they were male, I'd be shocked at first, then pissed off because of being betrayed like that, I wouldn't necessarily ever want to talk to them again, because I don't forgive easily when it comes to serious lies or transgressions. Yet I would point out that they spent a lot of energy and time on their facade, I was actually convinced of their amazing personality, and that if I were gay or a girl, perhaps things would be different, or if he just didn't deceive me in the beginning, we could of been friends, etc.
> 
> Anyways this was off topic, sorry. I see no appeal in making fake dating accounts, you'd be more productive playing videogames, at least I think so...


I only ever made it initially so I could see what other guys were messaging.... To see what I was up against, I guess. I never engaged any of them in conversation, I feel like that would've been pretty weird. It's just hilarious how disgusting and shameless so many guys are under a thin veil of anonymity. It isn't justifiable because men are socially encouraged to do the approaching, that's a weak excuse.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

kiirby said:


> I only ever made it initially so I could see what other guys were messaging.... To see what I was up against, I guess. I never engaged any of them in conversation, I feel like that would've been pretty weird. It's just hilarious how disgusting and shameless so many guys are under a thin veil of anonymity. It isn't justifiable because men are socially encouraged to do the approaching, that's a weak excuse.


It certainly is, I'm just saying most people are clueless these days because they adhere to advice they find online or from other people who have no idea what they're talking about, they end up not being themselves or too much of themselves right off the bat. :blank


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Sam1911 said:


> Dump her op, no reason for a woman to have male friends unless the male is gay. She's making u look like a damn fool. Slept over at this dudes house? Do you honestly think she slept on the couch ???? Lol she cheated on you bro, and if for some reason u wanna still be with her, then invite some girls to sleep over and see how she likes it. Oh and are you sure he isn't gay? If he's gay then it's ok lol. Me as a guy, only reason I'd be friends with a girl is to get inside her pants


Jesus, this happened before I met her! If she had gone to his house to sleep over I'd dump her on the spot.


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## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

You ladies on here are making it sound like he has no basis to be upset. I guarantee if it were your boyfriend who was flirting up a storm and spending hours and hours with one of his particular female friends -- who has a history of feelings for him mind you -- you'd sing a much different tune.

OP that's what I suggest you do: go find yourself a female friend and spend every waking second with her. Make sure it's apparent how much you enjoy her company and how awesome you think she is. Then, if she wonders why you don't act that way around her, just say the same thing she did. "She's just a friend! Why are you overreacting?"


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Rainbat said:


> You ladies on here are making it sound like he has no basis to be upset. I guarantee if it were your boyfriend who was flirting up a storm and spending hours and hours with one of his particular female friends -- who has a history of feelings for him mind you -- you'd sing a much different tune.
> 
> OP that's what I suggest you do: go find yourself a female friend and spend every waking second with her. Make sure it's apparent how much you enjoy her company and how awesome you think she is. Then, if she wonders why you don't act that way around her, just say the same thing she did. "She's just a friend! Why are you overreacting?"


I told her straight up I'm not going to play that game.


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## Taija (Nov 3, 2008)

Well, it's clear you don't trust her at all. And without trust, there can't really be a relationship. When you start analyzing her actions and even the tone of her voice like that, and you don't believe her explanations, then why even be with her? At that point what she really feels or has done wouldn't make a difference to your relationship. You won't be happy and neither will she.

Your first post made it sound like you aren't even looking for a solution, just confirmation that your gut feeling is right. But you can't know the truth by asking about it on a forum. 

Just leave her. Tell her that you can't be with her because you don't trust her to be around a person who has had feelings for her. You already believe you are right to doubt her, so if you somehow found out that you actually were wrong about this, you'd still be suspicious, just about other things (like her dating site profile), so the relationship wouldn't go anywhere anyway. And if you found out that you were right, you'd leave her too, right?

I'll say it again; trust is vital. Relationships are about two people who want to be with and share their lifes with each other, which is a very vulnerable state. Since you will never be able to (and shouldn't) see every single thing the other does, you've gotta be able to trust them. People do cheat on each other and do other hurtful things, but if you are gonna be constantly suspicious and talking about it doesn't help, you can't be happy.

Also, as far as the whole fake dating profile thing goes, it's most likely due to low self-esteem. I don't know why some people commenting would assume first that it's something malicious and not related to what most of us here probably feel; feelings of inadequency.


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Taija said:


> Well, it's clear you don't trust her at all. And without trust, there can't really be a relationship. When you start analyzing her actions and even the tone of her voice like that, and you don't believe her explanations, then why even be with her? At that point what she really feels or has done wouldn't make a difference to your relationship. You won't be happy and neither will she.
> 
> Your first post made it sound like you aren't even looking for a solution, just confirmation that your gut feeling is right. But you can't know the truth by asking about it on a forum.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insightful thoughts.

I agree about the dating site: just insecurity, attention. She wasn't using it to talk to guys. Not the end of the world.

There's almost a fine line between distinguishing a person's behavior in terms of it being cold/malicious/sociopathic and it just being a case of huge insecurity.

This girl's self-image is so poor, her outlook SO negative and fatalistic... I'm thinking me just being a good guy to her isn't going to fix everything overnight. She's been treated poorly in the past. She's mostly been with guys who are more aggressive than I am.

I'm a challenge, my lack of aggression really makes her feel insecure, I think, but I try to give her attention. I was doing better, then that **** happened, that I posted about originally.

But I can't save her or fix everything.

If she remains aloof, a little cold in certain areas (it comes through sometimes, this mean-spiritedness about her, very subtle), doesn't give me a little more affection, doesn't start showing she sees me in her future (women tend to start saying "we" or "I want to do this/see this with you", including you in their future, and she does NOT do that with me, and it is VERY noticeable. I actually do that with her but I don't know if she notices)....

All that's gotta change. But I'm not going to give up yet.


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## King Cuddler (Sep 18, 2013)

au Lait said:


> It seems unlikely that she would flirt with him right in front of your face for over an hour, and then become surprised when you reacted the way that you did. The more likely scenario is that she didn't give it a second thought because she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. She knows that he's just a friend, and she probably didn't expect you to assume the worst about her.
> 
> It's not at all unusual for good friends to talk for over an hour. Whenever I call my sister, or one of my friends that I've known for years, we talk for an hour at least.
> 
> It sounds to me like she was just laughing and having a good time with a close friend. And perhaps you were viewing the situation through jealousy goggles. If the same exact scenario occurred with a female friend would you have given it a second thought?


I don't think that OP has any overbearing jealousy issues. Lesson 101 on courtesy. If you're in a relationship where you care about your partner's feelings you don't:

a) leave a lot of your actions to guesswork (ie. going to a friend's house who is KNOWN to have a crush on her in the past and sleeping on his couch), 
b) engage in conversation with other single men on a website designed specifically for meeting members of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship (don't you have better things to do when you're with someone?)
c) not include your partner in your friendships. How can you expect OP to be comfortable with this friendship when he doesn't even know the guy. Actions speak louder than words to me. A message saying nothing's going on is a lot different to coming over and showing genuine interest in OP and their relationship, rather than his girl.

Whole thing stinks, sorry.


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## Roberto (Aug 16, 2004)

I read a third of the way through your post. **** that. imo.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

I dont think you overreacted at all.

Talk about all your history with a girl "friend", about how she had a crush on you, wanted you to move in with her, "shes so loyal to me" and then talk on the phone laughing and flirting for over an hour while with your GF and she can hear. The tables will turn QUICKLY.

Without the back story about him having romantic interest and just being another friend, then sure - that might fly, but with everything shes said its only natural that you question it a bit. 

Also I don't like to jump to conclusions (but I will anyway) having a friend message you about how "she would never cheat" is iffy to me. Its possible there is more history between the two than she is admitting to you.

I'm sure other people in the thread have already said this but I only read the op.


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## JustinT (Feb 21, 2012)

Again, thanks for the great advice.

As it stands, nothing's really happened. As far as I can tell, she's not talking to him (at least when I'm around). 

We're both so insecure it's ridiculous.

I think this "guy friend" is pretty confident, loud, and he brings out the confidence her. Do I? Not really. That's the difference I'm seeing here.

Of course, my confidence was NOT HELPED AT ALL by hearing that bull**** conversation between them, and her being so oblivious and not caring. 

Honestly, I don't know if I can get past it, and she's not showing me enough affection as it is. She shows some, but she is the LEAST demonstrative girl I've ever been with, and she also seems to have very little interest in sex (with me, or anyone; she says she's never even had an orgasm with a guy and doesn't even like the feeling of penetration, so she come across as really asexual -- I'm also kinda timid in bed, but not to her extent, not at all. I barely feel ANY sparks here).

I'm realizing my incredible insecurities and lack of confidence is ruining my life. I'm a mess. It's time I admitted it. I really am a wreck inside. I can barely keep it together. I'm not confident around her, and she is one of the more insecure girls I've ever met. I need therapy, then I can evaluate this situation with a clear head. I'm co-dependent, no question.


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## VeMuñeca (Sep 5, 2013)

I think you have every right to be jealous. If I had a boyfriend with a best friend who was a girl I'd be suspicious. I know some people say to not be jealous when your boyfriend or girlfriend has a best friend of the opposite sex, but some of us have low self esteem or just can't help to feel jealous. And to me (sorry if someone disagrees with me), the fact that he has feelings for her already shows that he's all in the friendship just for the hopes of the day she will fall for him. Maybe he is okay with just being friends with her, but, in my opinion, he wants more. :no


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

JustinT said:


> Maybe she's telling the truth. She's known the guy a long time and maybe she's just "comfortable" with him, since her and I haven't known each other that long. Maybe that's alllll this is. Her friend really went to bat for her, too.* But even IF she's that comfortable, you don't talk to him for an HOUR and a HALF while I'm in the house! *


If there really was something between them, she would be talking to him while you're not around. My _guess_ is that nothing is going on, but that she should pay attention to how she sounds when she talks to him(or maybe just not stay in contact with him if he's _pursuing_ her). That said, it seems like you're quick to create imaginary scenarios about what might be going on and what _she_ was thinking while she was talking to him(you don't know that). That's probably your own insecurities acting up. It reminds of how I used to be. Is this the first time you've reacted like this when she's talked to another guy?


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

Jesuszilla said:


> I don't think its normal to have a fake OKCupid account and use it in a relationship. That would make me think differently about her or her friend's intentions.


Agreed. I would never date anyone who made fake accounts on a dating profile for the purpose of entertainment. It's cruel to play with someone's feelings like that just for laughs. You can see how many people here on SAS get depressed over such interactions/rejections on those sites.

If she is using her real pictures on the dating site... then that says more. Maybe she wants attention from other males or wants to feel attractive when she is approached by men on those sites.

Either way, apart from those things I read into, you could have overreacted to her conversation. He is just a friend. Maybe you need to sit down and talk about how you feel and come to an agreement.


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## SupaDupaFly (Sep 1, 2011)

Lol really slept on his couch in his apartment (yeah ok) and your'e questioning whether they have something going on or not.


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## Valtron (Jul 6, 2013)

They are both being disrespectful to your relationship. He needs to back off and she either needs to break off this "friendship" or set some boundaries. If she knows that he likes her, she needs to be a decent person and confront him about it. Her not doing so is not fair to you or him. As a friend of the opposite gender, he needs to respect that she is involved with another man. Calling her on the phone while you're in the room is incredibly disrespectful. Frankly, I would have gotten up and left. What a waste of time.
With these type of friendships, you have to know that jealously can occur. Therefore, there need to be boundaries. Sure, you don't own her. She can do whatever she wants. But she also should to be more considerate of your feelings. If she's not willing to do so, you deserve better.

So, in my opinion, _they _are in the wrong. Your concerns are completely understandable.

Edit: Another thing. What type of "friendship" is this? Because if they aren't super duper BFFs, then frankly, I don't think their friendship is more important than your relationship. I'm sure he has other friends he can go hang out with.


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## Valtron (Jul 6, 2013)

au Lait said:


> It seems unlikely that she would flirt with him right in front of your face for over an hour, and then become surprised when you reacted the way that you did. *The more likely scenario is that she didn't give it a second thought because she wasn't actually doing anything wrong. *She knows that he's just a friend, and she probably didn't expect you to assume the worst about her.


First of all, you don't have a long phone conversation while someone else is in the room, or visiting your house. That is beyond rude. (unless they're living together, which I'm assuming they're not)

Second of all, she'd have to be pretty damn naive to think that her man would be okay with her talking to another guy _who is interested in her!_ Unless this guy is her absolute best friend (which I doubt), I believe her boyfriend should come first. Does this guy really not have any other friends to call or hang out with? I bet he does.

Lastly, if she's truly not interested in him like she claims, how come he got priority over her own boyfriend who was in the same room with her? I seriously doubt they are THAT close to each other if they're not a couple. What's stopping them from being together?


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## Emu (Sep 13, 2012)

It is very rude to talk for that long with a "guy friend" when you're supposed to be having alone time with your significant other. It seems to me that she does have feelings for him to some degree. If he meant nothing to her like she said, she wouldn't talk to him for an hour. She seems like a deceptive and untrustworthy person to me.


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