# How do I get my boyfriend to propose?



## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Ok, I'm not 100% serious. I'm not really going to try and manipulate him into doing something against his nature. I just wish he would *sigh*

I was going to ask him on leap year day, but he saw it coming and forestalled me, so I never got to ask. I guess that means he definitely doesn't want to get married and we never will. Boo-hoo!


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## Nameless (Feb 6, 2009)

What makes you say that he definitely doesn't want to get married? Maybe he's just not ready yet?


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

I think he knows that I'd like to get married, but stopped me asking him so he didn't have to say no, and that was over a year ago, so he wasn't just stopping me asking so that he could ask me! But yeah, maybe he'll ask me in future. If he doesn't, well, I know I'm still very lucky to have him as my boyfriend.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Nameless said:


> What makes you say that he definitely doesn't want to get married? Maybe he's just not ready yet?


yeah if he's not ready to do it now maybe just be patient and wait. he might not feel comfortable going as fast as your pace and you should probably let him take his time as i don't think it's a good idea to rush someone into marriage. both partners should be equally as into the idea of getting married and staying together for life, and if they aren't then it would be starting off on a bad foot in my opinion.

thats not to say that he doesn't love you at all, marriage might just mean different things for different people and maybe he's the kind of person who would rather wait a very long time to jump into it.


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## Fairyxo (Jan 28, 2009)

How long have you been together?

I'm sure he'll propose when he thinks the time is right  My fiance proposed on our 3 year anniversary - I mean, people need to give things more time. So many rush into things these days, you see people getting married after a year or so, and it's just not enough time to make such a huge commitment.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

We've been together three and a half years.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

maybe he just doesn't like the idea of marriage. my aunt and uncle never got married, but they've been together like 10 years and they have a 7 year old kid, and clearly they intend to stay together for the rest of their lives.

for that matter, my grandfather never married his second wife, but they've been together for at least as long as i've been alive.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Have you guys actually talked about marriage? All I see is that you "think he knows". He may not. Maybe he's oblivious or afraid to ask right now.


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## TorLin (Nov 14, 2006)

talk about family


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## Dothan (Feb 8, 2009)

unlike woman often thinking we actually can NOT read mind


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## Fairyxo (Jan 28, 2009)

Madison_Rose said:


> We've been together three and a half years.


Well have the two of you ever discussed marriage? Even in passing? Or has it ever come up when you were discussing your future together and how it would plan out?


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

TorLin said:


> talk about family


Oh, we've done that. I never want to have children and nor does he, so that's cool. Poor guy is probably confused, cos when I first met him I was really anti-marriage, having seen too many nasty divorces close-up. But he mellowed me so much that I kinda changed my mind over the years, and started thinking that it'd be nice to have a proper ceremony and commit to each other in front of our friends and families...oh, and I want a fancy dress and cake!

However, I haven't explicitly told him this, no. A few months before leap year day, last year, I told him about the tradition that women can propose on leap year day. We talked about it a bit, I think he googled it and he filled me in on bits of the tradition I didn't know (apparently if the guy says no he has to buy the girl a present. How odd). On leap year day itself, I didn't finish work until after midnight, but when we got home I said,
"Hey, it still counts as leap year day cos we haven't been to sleep yet." The next bit's weird, but: he mimed putting in earphones and said 
"Hang on, I'm putting in my invisible earphones. What? I can't hear you, what?"

I mean what on earth do you say to that? I suppose I ought to just talk about it with him, get it all out in the open, but gah, I don't want to! I just want him to ask me, d**n it!

lol I'm being daft. "I want" doesn't get, I ought to just be grateful for what I have.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

*I think you need to plant the idea of "proposing" in his mind. So, start asking his opinion on everything. *
*YOU: I'm hungry. Pizza or chinese? What do you "propose"? (with raised eyebrow for effect)*
*or*
*YOU: I'm really not sure about my hair length?! Short and sassy or long and come hitherish? What do you "propose" I do? (that's worth double cuz it has "I do" in it)*

*You probably get the gist and genius of my "proposal" so don't be surprised if after you employ my strategy he pops the question, out of mind-conditioning if nothing else. *


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

FairleighCalm said:


> *I think you need to plant the idea of "proposing" in his mind. So, start asking his opinion on everything. *
> *YOU: I'm hungry. Pizza or chinese? What do you "propose"? (with raised eyebrow for effect)*
> *or*
> *YOU: I'm really not sure about my hair length?! Short and sassy or long and come hitherish? What do you "propose" I do? (that's worth double cuz it has "I do" in it)*
> ...


heh heh cool


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

why can't you propose? why are you waiting for him to do it?



i don't see why you have to wait for HIM to do it. you can take initiative too.


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## hyacinth_dragon (Dec 28, 2008)

nothing to fear said:


> why can't you propose? why are you waiting for him to do it?
> 
> i don't see why you have to wait for HIM to do it. you can take initiative too.


Agrees.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

nothing to fear said:


> why can't you propose? why are you waiting for him to do it?
> 
> i don't see why you have to wait for HIM to do it. you can take initiative too.


I totally agree. To hell with tradition.

As for my advice: the best way to a man's heart is directly through his stomach


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

He isn't ready. It doesn't mean he wouldn't eventually want to, you gotta give him time and not put so much pressure, just enjoy the moment. Marriage should be a marathon and not a sprint. As you know, if you wanted to, you have the power to manipulate him into saying yes and getting married, but then when you actually get married you'll think "oh ****, what did I do?."

Let things flow naturally.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

I see nothing wrong with women proposing, I'd just like _him_ to take the initiative and _ask me_. I want him to _want_ to marry me, not just go along with it because it's something I want, but I guess maybe I'm being unrealistic.

Through his stomach, huh? I was a chef in a fancy restaurant for years, so I could be on a winner there


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

marriage isnt for everyone. its expensive to get married and expensive to get divorced. its better to just stay together and if things dont workout just go your separate ways


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

nubly said:


> marriage isnt for everyone. its expensive to get married and expensive to get divorced. its better to just stay together and if things dont workout just go your separate ways


that's a basically good conclusion, but marriage does have some benefits like joint life insurance, shared custody/property, and the ability to make hospital decisions (like the terry schiavo case of a few years ago)


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## Under Pressure (Sep 13, 2008)

Madison_Rose said:


> Ok, I'm not 100% serious. I'm not really going to try and manipulate him into doing something against his nature. I just wish he would *sigh*
> 
> I was going to ask him on leap year day, but he saw it coming and forestalled me, so I never got to ask. I guess that means he definitely doesn't want to get married and we never will. Boo-hoo!


David Letterman had a girlfriend for 23 years and he just married her a few weeks ago.

Be patient!


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## IDK (Jan 16, 2009)

why do you want to get married so bad? what would be the difference between how it is now and how it would be when you're married? (other than financial things and how the government treats you, etc.)

And my personal opinion, you shouldnt even bother getting married. You will either get divorced or you will live out the final days of your existance in depression, regret, and resentment for your significant other.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

polythene said:


> Talk it over with him so you know where you stand.
> 
> I know of plenty of women who've bullied their partners into proposing, but this may not the be best strategy, especially if he doesn't really want to get married.


Exactly. I been bullied into a marriage and at the time, I simply wasn't ready for it. I was 20 at the time and I married her on her 18th birthday. Needless to say, it wasn't long before we got divorced and our relationship deteriorated since the day we got married. Although she was an interesting girl, she got married 3 times before her 20th birthday, at least I was number 1 haha. Marriage has to be done for the right reasons, not the wrong ones, or the relationship will just turn to dust. It has to be because of love and the feeling has to be mutual.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

IDK said:


> why do you want to get married so bad? what would be the difference between how it is now and how it would be when you're married? (other than financial things and how the government treats you, etc.)
> 
> And my personal opinion, you shouldnt even bother getting married. You will either get divorced or you will live out the final days of your existance in depression, regret, and resentment for your significant other.


Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence! 

I view my future as being with him, definitely. We've talked about this and he feels the same. I'd like to mark the beginning (or a point near the beginning) of our shared future with a ceremony with our close friends and families in attendance. I want a fancy dress and a cake!

Practicalities: I'd like him to be my next of kin. I know partners have many of the same rights as spouses these days, but not all of them. If one of us got really sick (I hope neither of us does), I'd like the other one to have the status of spouse.

Don't worry guys, I wouldn't dream of trying to bully him into it. He's worth much more to me than that.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

In my opinion, I dont see how one can be bullied into marriage. Unless there is a gun held to your head, you know what you are doing even if in your heart of hearts you know you arent doing the right thing. 

The only way to really know what is going on here is to have a frank discussion with your sig other. Even if he doesnt say what you want to hear at least you will know where his head is at.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

And I know "frank discussions" dont come easy for those with SA but if you have been in this relationship for 3.5 years, it seems like you should be able to have these kind of discussions. 

Never expect second guess what your partner is thinking or what their intentions are. And dont expect them to read your mind or just know. I have been married for over 7 years and my husband STILL cannot read my mind. :b


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Thanks for all the advice, guys. Penny, we can have frank discussions about most things, but this particular topic scares me, dunno why. But yeah, I do need to stop beating about the bush and talk to him about it. 

...Or possibly just give up on the idea of that marriage thing...


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Well take my advice with a grain of salt. My husband and I are in a huge fight over the inability to agree on and discuss a pressing subject, its escalated into a horrible, hurtful fight and its really, really stupid. Its so bad that he just stormed out of here, telling me he wont be back until I leave for work and I am packing an overnight bag as I plan to stay at a hotel tonight. Nice, huh? So you might want to think twice about my advice. :lol Its worked GREAT for me.  :fall


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

oh dear, sorry to hear that


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

nubly said:


> marriage isnt for everyone. its expensive to get married and expensive to get divorced. its better to just stay together and if things dont workout just go your separate ways


I agree 100%!! Its ****ing expensive to get a damn divorce! I'm anti marriage now. I'd never marry again unless the dude was rich soHE could pay for the divorce or unless I'd known him many years


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Well..update..I wrote that last post when I was furious...I DIDNT stay at a hotel, I called home during my work hours and talked, a bit. I came home and we agreed NOT to talk until tomorrow, and instead watched a few episodes of one of our favorite shows on the DVR. I have a good marriage...and this is just a bump in the road. All marriages come with that.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Shauna The Dead said:


> I agree 100%!! Its ****ing expensive to get a damn divorce! I'm anti marriage now. I'd never marry again unless the dude was rich soHE could pay for the divorce or unless I'd known him many years


Anti marriage is harsh. I understand where you are at, Shauna, I was there too after my divorce. Its painful to divorce, and you dont know HOW painful until you are in it. It took me a while to realize it wasnt marriage that was the culprit but rather that I had married the wrong person, and I pretty much knew it at the time but chose to ignore it. Marriage is a great thing when you are married to the right person.


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Separating from someone after spending years together, especially when owning joint property and having kids isn't exactly free or less complicated either.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

SilentLoner said:


> Separating from someone after spending years together, especially when owning joint property and having kids isn't exactly free or less complicated either.


it eliminates going through the divorce crap


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Penny said:


> Marriage is a great thing when you are married to the right person.


Truth!
My aunt and uncle have been married almost 54 years.
My parents were married 25 1/2, but divorced after my mother's mental illness took its toll.

It's a readiness thing - I am almost getting to that point now, but this is after two years of being alone self-sufficient with my career. I need friends first - my primary goal, then dating by the end of the year.

Somehow....I still picture my girlfriend having enough of my stalling, taking me to a karaoke bar, and singing Wedding Bell Blues by the Fifth Dimension :lol :hide.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Madison_Rose said:


> Ok, I'm not 100% serious. I'm not really going to try and manipulate him into doing something against his nature. I just wish he would *sigh*
> 
> I was going to ask him on leap year day, but he saw it coming and forestalled me, so I never got to ask. I guess that means he definitely doesn't want to get married and we *never* will. Boo-hoo!


I put that in red boldface because you need to reread and reassess that.
Again, it is a readiness and an life-orientation thing. We he knows your paths won't separate, he'll make a move. HE must make the move. It's not an easy thing to do, you know! :afr


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

nubly said:


> it eliminates going through the divorce crap


Thanks for completely missing my point. A lot of issues would still likely have to go through court in the same manner, I know a lawyer who is specialized in those types of cases and he says its often just as complicated.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

^^That is the whole reason you want to find someone who is that similar!


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

millenniumman75 said:


> Somehow....I still picture my girlfriend having enough of my stalling, taking me to a karaoke bar, and singing Wedding Bell Blues by the Fifth Dimension :lol :hide.


Hahahahaha! I think he'd dump me on the spot if I did that! Well, he wouldn't, but he'd be pretty mortified. Hee hee!


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## agape (Apr 12, 2009)

Madison_Rose said:


> Ok, I'm not 100% serious. I'm not really going to try and manipulate him into doing something against his nature. I just wish he would *sigh*
> 
> I was going to ask him on leap year day, but he saw it coming and forestalled me, so I never got to ask. I guess that means he definitely doesn't want to get married and we never will. Boo-hoo!


Do you even know if he wants to get married? Marriage really doesn't necessarily = commitment.
If he does then that's all good, he will propose in his own time, there's absolutely no benefit in you giving him a nudge, and if he doesn't want marriage, that doesn't mean he isn't committed to you. 
In my opinion, marriage is just an institution.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

millenniumman75 said:


> My aunt and uncle have been married almost 54 years.


My parents were married for 54 years when my father died. If they were ever happily married, well that must have happened before I was around. Even my oldest brother at 56 has never spoken of seeing them happy.

I can't say the idea of marriage thrills me. They sure haven't worked out well in my family. My other brother got married back in 1990. I've said before that "I do" are the two most dangerous words in the English language. His wife was the most evil creature I've ever (virtually never) met. He paid all her bills while she didn't even live with him. I view his death at 45 as positive in a way, since it was his only way out. He felt obligated to take care of this 400# woman who literally did nothing but use him as a door mat and he even felt inadequate for being unable to fully support her.

He was totally used by her and yet too stupid to divorce when other guys would have kicked her to the curb within a month.


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