# Stop being so critical of others



## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

I am deeply ashamed of this. But I have always been too critical of people--especially those who are overweight. And I don't want to be that way anymore. Having that kind of mindset does nothing positive for either of us, and it's perpetuating the myth in my head of an invisible wall of separation between me and everybody I criticize. I believe it is contributing to my SA.

Don't get me wrong, this hasn't negatively affected my relationships at all (yet). Most of it falls on strangers around me, people I'll probably never see again. Distant family members, acquaintances I met maybe twice in my whole life. But it needs to stop.

Sadly, I can easily pinpoint where one part of this came from: my upbringing. My parents are intensely critical of other people. I love them, but to this day, they point out overweight people when we go out in public. _"Look at the size of that lady, she's such a cow. Can you believe she's eating that? She should know better than to wear that--gross!"_ I know it stems from their insecurity and ignorance but I get fed up with it. I wonder if they say similar things about me when I'm not around (even though I'm what's considered normal weight for my height, I've heard them criticize people who are about the same size as I am for being fat.)

Anyway, that's not what I want for myself. I don't want to go about thinking I'm better than or different from someone just because of appearances. I don't want to think that I must have more self control or self esteem than that person. I don't know their history. Maybe that lady at the checkout has a serious thyroid problem. Maybe the woman at the salad bar struggled all her life with her weight and been harassed for it. Maybe she's tried all kinds of diets and exercise programs to no avail. Maybe she had a family member die recently, or lost her job, or just felt inadequate and lonely so turned to eating. Who f*cking cares? We all have troubles.

And I'm done with bullying people inside my head. I'm going to try accepting more people for who and what they are and see what happens.


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## Dissonant (Sep 22, 2012)

Melinda said:


> I am deeply ashamed of this. But I have always been too critical of people--especially those who are overweight. And I don't want to be that way anymore. Having that kind of mindset does nothing positive for either of us, and it's perpetuating the myth in my head of an invisible wall of separation between me and everybody I criticize. I believe it is contributing to my SA.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, this hasn't negatively affected my relationships at all (yet). Most of it falls on strangers around me, people I'll probably never see again. Distant family members, acquaintances I met maybe twice in my whole life. But it needs to stop.
> 
> ...


:squeeze I believe in you.

My father used to call me fat all the time (I wasn't until he left, but I sure am now), and used it as an excuse to steal my food at dinner along with everybody else's. This started when I was in a high chair and eating baby food. He also used to blame his abusive behavior on my perceived weight problem. I've struggled with disordered eating since the day he finally left.

I'm really proud of you for taking this step. Compassion is always better than bullying. :yes


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

Thanks for the reply! That's awful about your dad! I hope you're making progress dealing with your ED. Sounds like you are.  At least you know that your dad thinking you had a weight problem was just an excuse for him to be abusive. 

My mom has anorexia, and so part of her being critical of everyone's weight might have to do with that. I think part of her recovery (if she ever does choose to work towards it) will be learning that she's not all that different from everyone else--especially the people she's always judging.


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## Rawb (Oct 14, 2012)

Melinda said:


> I am deeply ashamed of this. But I have always been too critical of people--especially those who are overweight. And I don't want to be that way anymore. Having that kind of mindset does nothing positive for either of us, and it's perpetuating the myth in my head of an invisible wall of separation between me and everybody I criticize. I believe it is contributing to my SA.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, this hasn't negatively affected my relationships at all (yet). Most of it falls on strangers around me, people I'll probably never see again. Distant family members, acquaintances I met maybe twice in my whole life. But it needs to stop.
> 
> ...


I was thinking the same about myself and say good for you with a high five and a thumbs up. Bullying can be a deadly thing and i don't want to judge people or put them down to try and feel better about myself, it just makes things worse. Hopefully what happens is you become happier with yourself and your life.


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## kickingsa (Oct 11, 2012)

Great post Melinda. I tend to think overly critical thoughts of people as well, not so much about their weight but about their intelligence. I think this is a destructive habit in dealing with SA. The more I secretly judge other people negatively the more I am inclined to believe that everyone around me is secretly judging me negatively as well. I am going to make a concious effort this week to focus on more positive thoughts and try to make this a habit.


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