# Is It Ethical To Date/Have A Relationship if you are Mentally Unwell?



## Cool Ice Dude55 (Jan 7, 2014)

I am just curious what people here think about dating/finding a partner when you have deep rooted mental health problems like folks like us have (depression, anx and the like)

Is it fair to bring someone into the mix of all that? Should you wait till you are in a more stable place however long (maybe years) that could be? Or perhaps being in a relationship could help that person mentally (i doubt it but for some people it might).

My therapist says I should try to date more....but...i think personally it's not fair to drag someone into my world of crap when I'm still trying to sort it out. It's only me that can sort it out. Its just not fair to that other person that will have to put up with it. Although being single can be very lonely sometimes which only excarbates depression. So maybe having a partner would be a help and not a hindrance. So I'm just on the fence about the whole thing.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Yeah I dunno, probably depends but I think I'd be a pretty bad partner.


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## leaf in the wind (Mar 28, 2017)

Yes? It's not like the other person doesn't have a will of their own. As long as it's a consenting relationship there's nothing wrong with it IMO.

I'd say it would unethical to have children if you're mentally ill or impaired. Not condoning eugenics or any kind of sanctioned program, but I would consider it selfish and reckless if you reproduce when you don't have your issues under control - Kids are the ones who cannot consent to being brought into a sh.itshow.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

In the vast majority of circumstances, yes. I broke up with both of my ex-gfs because their mental health problems were too difficult for me to handle in the end. But that was my decision to make. I'd never say they shouldn't date (and I don't regret having dated them, it was worth trying).


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## Omni-slash (Feb 10, 2016)

Unless you're deliberately hiding your mental illness, a relationship is a voluntary exchange. You should probably be upfront about it, though.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Considering how arbitrary the definition of "mentally unwell" is in our culture, yes, it's perfectly ethical, imo. It's not like the other person is going to be perfect. They're just going to have a different set of problems.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Yes, the world needs more crazy people to keep therapists & various drug dispensing people in jobs, it takes alot of education & money to become a therapist the least we can do is aim to make more crazy people.


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## Mlt18 (Jun 29, 2016)

Yeah idk. It probably is ethical but I know I'd feel bad and embarrassed for sucking another person into my mess


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

yes its ethical, in a really vague sense


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## Iloy (Dec 7, 2019)

Seems like you already have an idea on what is best to do.


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## D'avjo (Sep 23, 2018)

no, no way


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## Cool Ice Dude55 (Jan 7, 2014)

D'avjo said:


> no, no way


would you mind telling why?


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Murky area. Really depends on how ill someone is and in what way. If they're ill in an abusive way then no I don't really consider it ethical because they usually end up inflicting a lot of harm on naive and vulnerable people who have trouble getting out, and their partners will often become abusive in turn to defend themselves or because they snap from rage. In the more severe cases, these are the kind of people who aren't aware nor care that they're harmful to others though so they pretty much go through life never seeing a problem or intending to change. 

If it's mental illness without much abusiveness then yes I think dating is an important part of staying socially integrated, and avoiding will probably do more harm than good in the long run. Partners can always stop dating you if they want to, and you can stop dating them if they're ill too in a way you can't deal with.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I think it's fine if you give them fair warning. Like if you don't hide it from them as they're getting to know you and have a chance to back out. Now if you pretend you don't have issues and keep it top secret and only let them know about it once they've gotten in really deep, that could be problematic. It doesn't necessarily mean it's any more unethical then hiding the fact that your farts stink really bad though. :lol


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## D'avjo (Sep 23, 2018)

Cool Ice Dude55 said:


> would you mind telling why?


:smile2:


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## Rumplesty (Aug 6, 2019)

It depends. I think in general a lot of people shouldn't even be in relationships, it doesn't matter if you're mentally unwell or not.


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## SystemOverride (Nov 25, 2019)

I don't think social anxiety is that bad of a mental illness where someone with it can't function in a relationship. Now, if you have like a cluster C personality disorder (or any personality disorder), that's one thing. As long as you make the other aware that you have social anxiety (or other mental illnesses), I don't think there would be that much of a problem to be honest. However, if that person is very extroverted, likes to spend time with people and go to parties often, that could be a huge problem for someone with social anxiety. At least it would be for me as I don't drink alcohol, I hate it. I hate being around it. So in effect, my dating pool is limited because I won't date someone that drinks. No, I'm not some religious prude so don't ask. If you don't enjoy the same things as your partner, it just won't work out.

I'm someone that needs reassurance every now and then, but some partners may not like doing that. Some think it's unhealthy to even want it. I can see it being unhealthy if reassurance is needed constantly. But to be frank, I think the vast majority of people are insecure in some form or another; which would probably show if you push the right button.


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## Tetragammon (Jun 2, 2015)

I strongly believe that certain people are better off never getting involved with anyone. Myself included. There are just some things that can't work out. Though it has less to do with SA and more to do with other issues. 

What I think is even more unethical, though, is to have children when you're barely capable of taking care of yourself. I know this is an unpopular opinion but I think it needs to be put out there more. Whether it's because of mental illness, physical disability, poverty or whatever else, people who can't take care of a kid should NOT have them. ESPECIALLY those people who only have kids because it's "expected" of them.


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## AllGlad (Feb 16, 2018)

Considering that people are having/admitting to having mental issues... is that why people are less involved in relationships now a days?


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## SorryForMyEnglish (Oct 9, 2014)

Think about it not if it's ethical but if it's what you want to do right now and if you have enough resources for that. Therapists shouldn't really say what people should do, they can only suggest a little but not as if that's the thing you really need. Maybe she meant if you try to get yourself out there you'll face new things etc.

There's a high chance you'll meet someone on the same level of mental health etc as you or can be even below. I doubt any of them will be thinking if it's ethical for them to date you or not. They almost never do.


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## Rebootplease (Dec 5, 2017)

Yeah, date. You're overthinking this.


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

It's fine--so many people have a mental illness, and isolation doesn't make it any better. I'd recommend being open about it fairly early on in the stages of dating, it makes it easier to not feel like you have to hide.


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## Reverie101 (Jan 5, 2018)

leaf in the wind said:


> Yes? It's not like the other person doesn't have a will of their own. As long as it's a consenting relationship there's nothing wrong with it IMO.
> 
> I'd say it would unethical to have children if you're mentally ill or impaired. Not condoning eugenics or any kind of sanctioned program, but I would consider it selfish and reckless if you reproduce when you don't have your issues under control - Kids are the ones who cannot consent to being brought into a sh.itshow.


agree about the children part.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

I think it's ethical. Love is ethical. But don't lose sight of bettering yourself.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Well chances are if you have the mental capacity to consider ethics you're already ahead of the game, mental illness goes back 3 generations on my mother's side, my fathers side had issues aswell.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Reverie101 said:


> agree about the children part.


Definitely. Whether psychological issues are acquired or inherited doesn't really matter. There definitely is a pattern of it running in the family. "Chip off the old block" sort of thing.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Dude. There are many people who have mental illnesses more "acute" than social anxiety...IE actual schizophrenia, Bipolar type 1 etc....that have thriving relationships. 

There partner's are well aware of their condition and still chose to be with them.

I have borne witness to this. I have literally see people bring their husbands/wives to be committed to the mental ward and come back to pick them up after the acute episode has been overcome.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

Omni-slash said:


> Unless you're deliberately hiding your mental illness, a relationship is a voluntary exchange. You should probably be upfront about it, though.


I agree with this completely.

My first girlfriend (from OkCupid) told me upfront that she had Borderline Personality Disorder, among other things like Fibromyalgia. Our little fling only lasted for a year, and we only got 6 dates out of it. I am glad she was upfront about it since some of the behaviours stemming form BPD affected our relationship negatively near the end.

I am not entirely sure that I would do it again, unless they are in treatment for it, and actively trying to get better. Especially for something as serious as a personalty disorder.


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

I think it’s fine if you are honest upfront about it so everyone is clear.

Personally I’ve always felt as though I’d be bringing anyone I’m dating down or very quickly become more of a burden than a lover...perhaps that’s just my low self esteem & insecurity talking but it’s not as though those are attractive qualities


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

No one is perfect and no one ever will be. Everyone will have flaws and continue to have flaws throughout their lives. So it's really more of if you decide to use those whatever ongoing flaws you have as an excuse to not go out of your comfort zone to strive for things you want and desire, by spinning it into a martyr-like context of it being for the consideration of others that is prompting you to not go out of your comfort zone to pursue things. 

On the other end, the people you're pursuing a relationship with themselves will have flaws and they can also use the same excuse to not do so because they don't want their flaws to hurt you. With this mindset, everyone will be forever single.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I think genuine love transcends ethics, though with mental illness specifically a little bit of self-awareness and consideration go a long way. There is not much use spending your life withholding yourself from a fairly basic human need for some misplaced moral obligation if what you deal with is something you have successfully grappled with and learned to manage in such a way that you don't allow it to be anyone else's problem.

That involves a certain level of personal accountability, acknowledgement and willingness to grow to be at that point but it can definitely be achieved by those with enough conscientiousness and willingness to do so.


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## cybernaut (Jul 30, 2010)

Everyone has a different threshold in terms of this. However, it certainly helps to be upfront about your issues _before _entering a relationship. I don't care what kind of issue it is. Mental, financial, whatever.


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