# That feeling of longing for something....



## MondKrabbe (Sep 7, 2015)

It weighs so heavily in my chest. It often hurts.

I just joined today, and this is something I just want some advice on so desperately. I've been seeing a therapist and while I haven't brought up the full story yet, I need it off my chest for just a moment.

My introductory post is titled "Well.......hi" if you want a basic idea of my problems and I.

So this much I've shared with my therapist:

Growing up in elementary school, a small private school, I had a close set of friends in my class. Those were times where I didn't have a care in the world, nothing seemed important. But as you get older, you become more aware, and that's when my anxiety began to grow. My body image, my confidence in my abilities, my friends, all began to change. This all occurred in middle school, where my closest friends lefts and I began to feel.....excluded, from my other friends. It was mostly due to never having an reliable way to keep in contact with the out of school. Phone calls were limited, they lived way on the other side of the city, I had no cellphone, and I never shared any extra curricular activity with anyone, sports or other clubs.

When 8th grade ended, I got a phone and even logged onto a facebook account but it didn't matter. I was going to a completely different high school, completely alone. When it started, lots of people seemed to know each other already. Freshman year started out ok, but ended in disaster, that accelerated the growth of my social anxiety. It was bad, but that's a story for a separate occasion, maybe.

Now I went through 4 years with the same friend, and some other guys that I liked to talking to. But at the end of it all, I don't know how much of a friend I am to them. Even with the closest one, all we ever did is talk in school, hardly out of it and we never did anything together. It's not that I didn't like them but we didn't have common interests and I couldn't open up emotionally to them.

But in my junior year, a certain girl caught my interest. For awhile, she would often give me a casual hello or ask me how my day was going, which was very nice. In junior year, I got to interact with her a lot more and even more so in senior year. At senior prom, we talked the whole time, pretty much, both of us too awkward to dance mindlessly to rave songs. However, I see her as my polar opposite; where she's succeeded, I've failed, and so on. But still, she's always been very kind to me.

On the last Friday of our senior year, I opened up about how much I wanted to be a better friend to her, get to know her better whenever she had time in her busy schedule. She agreed to it. Later, I told her about my anxiety and depression, and gave me quotes of encouragement. Later, she invited me to a quick breakfast with her, which was extremely nerve racking, and was a little bit too awkward, but I still enjoyed it and appreciated her company.

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Now before I begin on what's tearing me a part, I would like to say how I feel about her. I am attracted to her to a certain degree, but for a variety of reasons, I do not want any sort of romantic relationship from her. But still, I find her to be completely beautiful; in her mind, her body and looks, her faith in her religion, her confidence and determination, her successes...everything. This much I gathered from her but I wanted to get to know her much better.

Her presence makes my heart soar. The sound of her voice brings peace to my mind. Throughout senior year, she would maybe playfully poke me, or at prom and before our graduation ceremony, she held my arm briefly, and it made me feel like a person, like I was worth something. I've heard stories of those who have become so hopelessly gripped by depression, that they cut themselves to feel something real from the pain. I hope I never go down that road but I think I almost understand that; I've had almost no physical contact outside of my family, and even then it's limited. The memory of those touches are burned into my memory, and they were moments where I felt normal.

I hoped, just for a few days this year, before she moves away, that I might know the feeling of a caring friend to confide in. I hoped for her to be stepping stone into a life where I can feel confident in myself when I'm with others.

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So this is where everything goes down hill.
We had that awkward breakfast together. I enjoyed it but I wasn't sure about her. I also didn't know how she felt about me confessing my problems to her so suddenly. On top of that, I began to long for her presence so badly that I even dreamed it.

The dream was simple, I ran into her at a grocery store, and we began with small talk. I could feel the anxiety in my dream, but it gradually went away. Before walking together, we playfully....shoved each other, I guess, and just started walking. I even began holding her hand. It was a manifestation of what I deeply wanted; a warm hand to hold and a friendly ear to talk to. When we got to the the "registers" I woke up and noticed my hand was still clutched, as if I were actually holding something there. That's when I knew how intense my feelings were, but I remained fearful and confused because of some past problems. (I may post about this some other time).

Near the end of July, I texted her about 4 times in a little over a week, fairly spaced a part, to soothe my fear of sounding whiny or needy. All they were, were simple hello messages, or asking about her day. She replied to none of them. I felt worried but I tried very hard and convinced myself she was just very busy and forgot. But anxiety still gnawed at the back of my head, and I waited a few weeks to try again.

*(This is what I haven't discussed with my therapist)* 
But before doing so, I noticed she unfriended on Facebook. I requested, and a few days later she denied it. A few days later, I requested again and a week later it was denied again.

I sent her a text, straight up, asking if she no longer wished to speak to me. No ****ing response. I sound angry but this isn't the first time where the person that's brought some positivity to my life suddenly began working hand in hand with my anxiety, stringing me along like some broken toy, filling me with guilt, shame and disgust all pointed to myself, forcing me into a pathetic obsession of desperation to find out my mistake, until it blows up in my face.

I refuse to make that mistake again, but I don't know what to do nor do I have any clue why it's happening to me. I tried to think maybe it's something on her end, but I'm the only one she's withdrawn from. If she has lost interest in me, then I just want to know for sure, but she couldn't even give me a "yes or no" response. It hurts, I feel guilt ridden, I can't find the flaw I may have made, or what could have been misinterpreted.

I just want some sort of guidance. I am becoming more willing to damage my morale by giving up, and just healing over the year but I so desperately want closure.


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## ReiMatsuoka (Sep 7, 2015)

I'm only 13 (soon to be 14), but I can really relate to this. I've always been known as 'the shy kid' and I sort of accepted it, though it was really frustrating. When I moved to secondary school (year 7), I lost my best friend. I had only two friends, one of which went and started to make new friends. I stuck with my one other friend, and made no new friends. Then there was this girl who I really wanted to befriend. She was popular, which made it kind of hard. But she was (is), nice, accepting and an amazing person. I would watch her, idolise over her. In about a term in to my first year we were making eye contact. When she'd walk into the room, I'd get a load of anxiety. I began to notice her also get anxiety when I'd walk into the room. I thought she really accepted me for me, and wanted to become my friend. Maybe my best friend. This carried on in year 8, and one time she said goodbye to me when school was finished.This made me so happy. I said bye back, really quietly though. I'm not sure if she heard me, but it made me super happy anyways. She was like confidence supply. I'd be so much more confident in my eyes, people wouldn't of notice because I'd be acting pretty much the same, but to me I felt like I had my head held high and that I was a confident person.
Today was my first day into year 9. We had a seating plan, I was sat directing behind the girl. She has a good friend on the table next to me. We had to see who could write down the most school rules (I know that sounds really childish). Anyways so her friend had apparently got the biggest amount of rules. So she had to read them out, but she started to loose points because she was repeating loads of them. So the girl I wish to befriend did a hint to her, got her fist and made her thumb stick out at me (not very obviously - but I saw), and mimed to her, "be _silent_ in the chapel!". 
I'm probably overreacting. Your problem is way way way worse than mine, and it would honestly break my heart if the girl did that to me. I just feel like she's knocked my confidence down a lot. I thought I was getting better with social anxiety but her calling me silent really has knocked me down. All the rest of the day I kept thinking about her. How much she hates me, that she finds me weird, that she's never wanted to be my friend.
I really thought I was the only one, I've only told my super super super trusty internet friend about everything. I recommend finding someone who you can talk to. It really did help me to realise I wasn't insane. I know you wanted proper advice but I guess you knowing you're not the only one out there with the sort of problem!


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## MondKrabbe (Sep 7, 2015)

Well thank you for sharing. Everyone has different reasons but the pain is all very much the same. Seeing as you're younger, I absolutely hope you get the chance to improve in someway, to find someone to reach out to.


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## MondKrabbe (Sep 7, 2015)

Wow, it's been a month already. This topic came up with my therapist appointment today. I hadn't told her yet because I didn't know how to bring it up. I had a lot of emotions this session and this was really a part of it. At the beginning of this summer, I knew this girl would move away eventually, but I so desperately wanted to know her, hoping she would show me what a caring friend looks like for awhile. I never got to ask if my reaching out to her meant anything, and the ignoring part just hurt my self-worth so much.

Now it's not just her, I want to bump into anyone I've known in the past, and not reach out, but scream and break down in front of them, to reveal that I'm in so much pain. It sounds weird, but it doesn't matter; I don't think I'll ever find the strength to do it. It's not just talking, I need actual face to face communication, and I so need a hand to hold, or for someone to hug and hold me. :sigh


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## crosswing (Aug 19, 2015)

I know how you feel. I'm going through a similar situation right now. In my case she hasn't outright cut me out of her life, but she has moved to a different college so we don't talk as much. I don't have that special person that brightens my day anymore. I feel pathetic for feeling this way but the pain is awful. Somedays it feels like have a lump in my throat all the time. The pain in my chest is almost constant. It's like all the negative emotions I'm feeling manifested as something physical and wrapped themselves around my heart and are strangling it. 

It was so great to finally meet someone who was so genuine and kind hearted. I felt completely happy whenever we talked. We talked about all kinds of things and had a lot of common interests. But now all my different interests that I shared with her just remind me of what I've lost. It feels like anywhere I go there's something that reminds me. Even something as simple as a color. 

Before I met her I was dealing with depression for years. I had nothing in my life. But when we became friends I really felt I was making a lot of progress towards beating my depression. Now all that progress was for nothing because I feel worse than I ever have before. Before we met I longed for that sort of relationship with someone where there was no b.s., just a healthy, honest, and fun friendship. Now I know what that's like, but because I've lost it I long for it even more. I'll have to slog through another semester of college in classes with the same people I don't care for. I have nothing again. My only hope is that next semester or when I transfer to a different college next fall I'll meet someone. 

I hate that we always feel the need to hide our pain. I just wish I knew someone who cared about me as much as I cared about them. Someone who I know wouldn't judge me if I told them about the pain I've gone through.


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