# First date advice



## Hadara (Apr 20, 2020)

So last Friday a guy asked me out to go for a drink, it was quite unexpected. I had never spoken to the guy in person before. It just happened that we both go to a language exchange meeting event that takes place every Friday, but we had never spoken to each other in person before. It seems he found my instagram and sent me a message, we chatted for a couple of minutes and he asked me out. 

This was the first time I was actually invited by a guy to have a "date". At the beginning, I couldn't believe it was happening. I accepted and went to meet this guy. I am very aware that I have avoidant tendecies when it comes to love, but I setted up my mind to be as open-minded as I could. After all, I was just getting to meet someone who, even if I didn't like for his physical appearance, I could grow to like due to his personality. I just thought, why not?

So I went to the café and sat in front of him. He's quite older than me (6 years older). As I sit, we greet, and then he says: Ok, so tell me about yourself. I have to be honest... I kind of freaked out at the moment, I didn't know what to say. I simply answered I had moved to this new country about three years ago and that I'm now looking forward making a living here. 
He was quite surprised I was a foreigner, he told me about his dad also being a foreigner and up till that story, everything was fine, but then the tone scalated a little bit... now it was his turn to talk about himself. 

He told me he had already been married, he had divorced and also had an 8 year-old child. He then started telling me how his marriage was so "toxic" and how it left him without either friends or family. He told me that many terrible things happened to him three years ago after breaking out with his wife, the divorce, and how he managed to overcome all of those things to finally regain his mental stabilty, find new friends and also find a new job. Then he starts gossiping about other mutual friends, how they are now currently dating and how he's so alone. It seems he still blames everything on his past relationship. Then he asked me about myself again.

I admited that I had never had a relationship before, and I could notice that he kind of disliked that. I told him that back at my home country I couldn't because I had other responsibilities in my family. But then he asked me that if I had come to this new country three years ago, why hadn't I made an effort on dating?! He seemed quite suspicious about it. (And I know it would be, somehow, but I can't just start talking about my mental problems, can I? So I just said: Well, remember the pandemic, it was quite difficult to meet people on those times).

I have to admit, I felt overwhelmed (maybe because it was my first time dating someone? Maybe because I'm used to the concept of "dating comes after confessing your love to someone and not the other way around"?). I knew we were there to get to know each other and see if we were compatible, I know that in this country they do things differently but I can't help feel overwhelmed by all of this. I mean, overall, he seems like a fun and nice guy, but I somehow feel like he's so many steps ahead of me that I don't know if I could handle a romantic relationship with him. (Maybe just friends? Because everything we share happens to be related to our hobbies).

Again, since I am aware of my fear of intimacy/love and my avoidant tendencies, I wanted to ask for some advice on the matter. What do you think?


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## Hemispheres (11 mo ago)

I'm not sure what social customs are common in your country so I can't be of much help. 

Just be nice and if you like him try flirting a bit? That's how it works here in the states.


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## Hadara (Apr 20, 2020)

Hemispheres said:


> I'm not sure what social customs are common in your country so I can't be of much help.
> 
> Just be nice and if you like him try flirting a bit? That's how it works here in the states.


Sorry I was kind of vague, though that is not too important, I think... I mean, I know I can't expect someone from a different culture to do as the ones from my culture do. 

I mean, sure, the guy seems like a really nice personandI can be nice to him, it's just that I'm afraid I'll be unable to meet his needs, like, I don't think I'm the kind of person he would need after everything he's been through as I can barely grasp the concept of love myself... I think what scares me the most is the fact that he has a child...I wouldn't like to somehow emotionally hurt the child if I couldn't be a good girlfriend for his dad... I mean, after all, the child could get used to me if we started dating as a couple... Since this one could be my first relationship, I'm sure I'll mess up a lot (also considering my avoidance problems). I just feel I'm not capable of dealing with all of it, I'll be too stressed to do things right I'll mess up real good. If what he says about what he's been through is true, I wouldn't want to emotionally hurt him or his son even more. 

Flirting is another story, I have no idea how to do that, I never learned how to do that nor am I confident enough in my ability to somehow "seduce" someone? (is that phrasing even correct?) 

So in a few words, what I mean is that it is not that the fact that he's a divorced man with a child and ex-wife the problem, the problem is that this one would be my first relationship and I'm afraid that I'll be unable to deal with everything he's been through.


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## Hemispheres (11 mo ago)

Hadara said:


> Sorry I was kind of vague, though that is not too important, I think... I mean, I know I can't expect someone from a different culture to do as the ones from my culture do.
> 
> I mean, sure, the guy seems like a really nice personandI can be nice to him, it's just that I'm afraid I'll be unable to meet his needs, like, I don't think I'm the kind of person he would need after everything he's been through as I can barely grasp the concept of love myself... I think what scares me the most is the fact that he has a child...I wouldn't like to somehow emotionally hurt the child if I couldn't be a good girlfriend for his dad... I mean, after all, the child could get used to me if we started dating as a couple... Since this one could be my first relationship, I'm sure I'll mess up a lot (also considering my avoidance problems). I just feel I'm not capable of dealing with all of it, I'll be too stressed to do things right I'll mess up real good. If what he says about what he's been through is true, I wouldn't want to emotionally hurt him or his son even more.
> 
> ...


I think you're thinking too far ahead. Maybe try just taking it day by day and I'm sure all the things you're worried about will go away with time.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

In general, I'd say if someone asks you out for a drink, you should insist that they buy you dinner (with zero alcohol).


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

Two red flags:

- You agreed to meet up with someone from a site where, at least to my knowledge, it is not meant for dating. You could have been catfished at the very least and just based on some messages you don't know how he would have approached, especially when going alone. Women have to have that extra caution and be in control as to how sure you are willing to meet up because of it. A few video calls would suffice before meeting so you can have some confirmations.

- He talked about his past relationships and gave away his intentions, which comes off as desperate. If someone talks about their past that easily and vents about failed relationships then they are not focused on 'you' as to why you both agreed to go out on a date. They have their own agenda and some people will stoop low as to why they want to enter into a new relationship like that.

In my experience the latter does not make things last long because one side already has an agenda that does not pair with the other person's. You likely dodged a bullet if it did not turn out well. This is simply an opinion and if you agree to continue meeting up then keep your guard up.


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## Hadara (Apr 20, 2020)

Hemispheres said:


> I think you're thinking too far ahead. Maybe try just taking it day by day and I'm sure all the things you're worried about will go away with time.


Thanks, I just can't help worrying that much... It's just that when a kid is involved, I can't help but be extra worried.



WillYouStopDave said:


> In general, I'd say if someone asks you out for a drink, you should insist that they buy you dinner (with zero alcohol).


Hahaha I actually don't mind not being invited, in fact, I paid for my drink in the end haha



CNikki said:


> - You agreed to meet up with someone from a site where, at least to my knowledge, it is not meant for dating. You could have been catfished at the very least and just based on some messages you don't know how he would have approached, especially when going alone. Women have to have that extra caution and be in control as to how sure you are willing to meet up because of it. A few video calls would suffice before meeting so you can have some confirmations.


Oh my, it's the first time I hear about catfishing, gotta go read about it. Yeah, you are right, instagram is not meant to be for dating, but I also don't believe in dating apps. I think I agreed with this guy because he goes to the same exchange meetings I go on Friday, so when I saw him I recognized him.
But yeah, you are right that it was dangerous, but I think dating apps are just as dangerous. It's so easy to fake on those sites as well.
But yeah, I think that I should not accept meeting with someone if they invite me out on any social media (unless I've spoken to the guy in person a couple of times).



CNikki said:


> - He talked about his past relationships and gave away his intentions, which comes off as desperate. If someone talks about their past that easily and vents about failed relationships then they are not focused on 'you' as to why you both agreed to go out on a date. They have their own agenda and some people will stoop low as to why they want to enter into a new relationship like that


Oh, you are right at this, I haven't seen it this way. But somehow I thought it was weird for him to just start venting with someone he barely knew. What somehow raised my alert was when he said his past relationship was "toxic" and he basically made himself a victim of everything... I mean, I can't know the other side of the story, so it could be true or false, I can't know. This is when I started feeling insecure about what had happened and decided to ask about it here.

I'm actually unsure if I should keep meeting this guy. To be honest, my mind keeps telling me to run away and don't meet again. But again, avoidance is what has made me single forever, being afraid to be loved, to be seen, yet wanting it to happen one day. 
Of course I know there's one thing on being cautious and another one on being avoidant, I just can't tell the difference...


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

To me, he sounds a bit on the aggressive side and kind of hints he might kind of want things to move quicker, which is normal. I guess he admitting he feels peer pressure to see his friends all in relationships but he's not, this makes sense. Since this is your first date, his approach can definitely feeling overwhelming for you. With more dating experience, you will gradually feel less and less overwhelmed with aggressive dates I think. 

But taking yourself out of your comfort zone to go to the date is a huge first step.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Congrats, Hadara!  That sounds like an intense first date, a little odd that he'd dive straight into his bitterness about his past relationships but at least he's open and nobody's perfect. Do keep in mind the possibility that somebody who rushes to badmouth how toxic their ex was is actually a major contributor to toxicity in their relationships... but that's only one possibility.

Since you didn't know him at all before the date, you have good reason to just tell him you're taking it slow on a 2nd/3rd/etc date. Or you can just take the first date as an accomplishment and informative experience, and drop it there. Honestly the kid would've scared me off, and the relationship trauma talk and ex-blaming probably would've too.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Hadara said:


> Oh, you are right at this, I haven't seen it this way. But somehow I thought it was weird for him to just start venting with someone he barely knew. *What somehow raised my alert was when he said his past relationship was "toxic" and he basically made himself a victim of everything*... I mean, I can't know the other side of the story, so it could be true or false, I can't know. This is when I started feeling insecure about what had happened and decided to ask about it here.


I agree that it might be a red flag that he went on about his past relationship in that manner on a first date.


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## Hadara (Apr 20, 2020)

Blue Dino said:


> To me, he sounds a bit on the aggressive side and kind of hints he might kind of want things to move quicker, which is normal. I guess he admitting he feels peer pressure to see his friends all in relationships but he's not, this makes sense. Since this is your first date, his approach can definitely feeling overwhelming for you. With more dating experience, you will gradually feel less and less overwhelmed with aggressive dates I think.
> 
> But taking yourself out of your comfort zone to go to the date is a huge first step.


Thanks!! Yeah, he contacted me again today,he wanted to meet again but I had to work so it wasn't possible. It seems he really wants to make things happen very quickly. I'm still not sure if I'd like to date him or not, so I guess when the time comes, I'll just be honest with him.



Paul said:


> Since you didn't know him at all before the date, you have good reason to just tell him you're taking it slow on a 2nd/3rd/etc date. Or you can just take the first date as an accomplishment and informative experience, and drop it there. Honestly the kid would've scared me off, and the relationship trauma talk and ex-blaming probably would've too.


Well, yeah, the kid kind of scared me off, that and his divorce. I just thought, oh my, he's so many steps ahead of me I don't know how to keep up with those. I mean, he sounds like he's still bitter about his divorce so I don't know if I could become the support he's looking for...



probably offline said:


> I agree that it might be a red flag that he went on about his past relationship in that manner on a first date.


Yeah, he started with the divorce but then move onto how toxic the relationship was, how this relationship had stripped him of all his friends and family, how it took a house from him and so on... I simply didn't know how to take all that, I mean, I didn't know the guy at all before that...

Again, I'm not sure I'd like to date this guy, maybe I'd rather we could be just friends... But now I don't know how to tell him that without hurting him...


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## delcrux (May 20, 2019)

That’s a great step forward, you should be proud.
Regarding his divorce, his child and the quickness to disclose his previous toxic relationship, it seems like a red flag to me.
Either wise you did great in meeting him and facing your fears congrats


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## Hadara (Apr 20, 2020)

delcrux said:


> That’s a great step forward, you should be proud.
> Regarding his divorce, his child and the quickness to disclose his previous toxic relationship, it seems like a red flag to me.
> Either wise you did great in meeting him and facing your fears congrats


Thanks a lot!! 
Yeah, it really seems like a red flag... But that's fine, I hope he agrees to be just friends and I'm not in a hurry to be in a relationship so I can take my time to meet others who are more suitable for me. 

I'll take into consideration what I've learned from this first experience. It somehow feels nice to finally start moving forward overcoming that fear.


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## hwtryan (Dec 11, 2017)

Hadara said:


> Sorry I was kind of vague, though that is not too important, I think... I mean, I know I can't expect someone from a different culture to do as the ones from my culture do.
> 
> I mean, sure, the guy seems like a really nice personandI can be nice to him, it's just that I'm afraid I'll be unable to meet his needs, like, I don't think I'm the kind of person he would need after everything he's been through as I can barely grasp the concept of love myself... I think what scares me the most is the fact that he has a child...I wouldn't like to somehow emotionally hurt the child if I couldn't be a good girlfriend for his dad... I mean, after all, the child could get used to me if we started dating as a couple... Since this one could be my first relationship, I'm sure I'll mess up a lot (also considering my avoidance problems). I just feel I'm not capable of dealing with all of it, I'll be too stressed to do things right I'll mess up real good. If what he says about what he's been through is true, I wouldn't want to emotionally hurt him or his son even more.
> 
> ...


I had to watch a video on how to flirt because I had no idea either, basically it's very light teasing, like when he does something, say, "oh you're so annoying" but smile, after, and maybe lightly hit/touch his arm. I know the feeling though, about dating. I recently asked a girl out but she just went through a break up and wants to wait, but yeah, when I do finally get that yes, oh boy is it going to scare the piss out of me. I've never really dated either. The only thing I have relationshipwise, are friendships that were in no way romantic at all. So yeah, I get it. Hope I helped a little.


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