# Have you ever cheated on someone?



## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved. I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it? 

I wonder if he still has feelings for me, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold. I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

Im sorry to hear. I cant offer the other side because I havent cheated.


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## accepting myself (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm so sorry guys, I have never cheated nor would I ever. Reading your posts made me sad because I imagine how much it would hurt me if it ever happened to me.

I truly wish you guys the best of luck in finding true love 

:group


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## madsv (Mar 19, 2010)

Your ex boyfriends seems to be quite an arsewhole.

Sorry to hear that. Hope you get better soon


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## KittyGirl (May 14, 2010)

No. Never even contemplated it.
I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of doing something so insensitive.

I've known plenty of people who have both cheated and who've been cheated on. It's an ugly, ugly fight that doesn't make sense to me.

Of course, I'm old-fashioned and believe one person/per person. Either commit to one person or commit to no one.
~~

My sister's BF cheated on her once. He admitted to it the moment he came home and said it was a mistake--- but never really could figure out WHY he made this 'mistake' in the first place.
They're still together today but my sis is *REALLY* hard on him. He's got his work cut out for him... the arse. -__-


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## TheOutsider (Mar 4, 2010)

No, I have never cheated on someone and never will. Cheating is stupid and there is no reason to do it. Cheaters ****in suck, and you know what sucks too? When the girl he cheats on you with KNOWS he is with you. She's nothing but a *****.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

Sorry butiadore you. I guess it was both a blessing and a curse that we were in a long distance relationship. It sucks the most because he broke up with me THEN told me a few days after he broke up with me so the girl at the bar was either worth more to him than I was or he felt too guilty. 

That sucks, nighttrain, but I love your avatar. My ex loved Scott Pilgrim so I can't bring myself to see the movie because it reminds me too much of him It's been over ten months, but I still feel so hurt.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

No, morally it's not something I could do. I agree that if you can't commit to one person commit to nobody.


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## shale (Jul 24, 2010)

I did when I was young and immature, but I can't even comprehend cheating on someone as an adult. It's such a selfish, dishonest thing to do. I have had it happen to me though by someone I really trusted and cared about. It makes it hard to trust anyone after you realize you couldn't even trust the person closest to you.


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## Cleary (Nov 10, 2007)

I've only had one (short) relationship but I've never cheated. I don't think I could ever do that to someone.


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## Onigiri (Aug 3, 2010)

Eeek! I'm so sorry to hear that Shy_Lolita. I grew up in a family where both of my parents are notorious cheaters/players so I've observed it and dealt with it. While this might not explain your particular situation, hopefully it sheds some light. I'm just speculating because I've been "cheated" on a couple of occasions with different people and it was usually for the first reason in my case.

*Lack of Attention
*Sometimes they're not getting enough attention in the relationship and they seek it elsewhere. It could be emotional support, physical intimacy, or just the lack of spending time together. A partner might start feeling lonely due to a lack of attention. I have been inattentive in the past and the guy just strayed.

In a sense, you can say that cheaters are a little needy and selfish. Sometimes, the cheater doesn't want to admit that they're needy (because that translates to "clingy"... weak!) and they'd do something horrible like betraying someone's trust instead. And sometimes, the guy might not even actively cheat - it could just be him looking for someone else.

*Curiosity/Impulsiveness
*Some people have an itch to be impulsive. I don't know if there's an actual study conducted on the correlation of the two traits (a bit too lazy to pull research data on this)... but people who tend to be more impulsive/curious will tend to act without thinking about the consequences. Those who are more disciplined would probably consider what the consequences may be. Also, did you boyfriend drink? Alcohol probably "encouraged" him to do something stupid like that.

*Boredom*
And sometimes, the cheaters just feel bored. Maybe they're individuals who require high stimulation in whatever they're doing so once they hit that block, they might began questioning the relationship and they want to "spice it up". I guess some people can't deal with routine. (That's why sometimes I get a little nervous when a guy says he wants to try NEW things all the time. If he's a total adrenaline-addict seeking, he might be constantly chasing new tail because it's EXCITING and NEW. I guess that's my formula for a heartbreak later on.

... I know those aren't the only two reasons but I suspect that if you guys were in a long-distance relationship, he might have gotten lonely. It happens... I've only dated a handful of men but I found that men who have very little friends tend to put all their social interaction upon the girlfriend. And... if the girlfriend has been busy with work or trying to interact with other people, the men might be a little hurt and consider looking elsewhere. And... sometimes, there are just stupid reasons that we'd never be able to explain why a cheater does something like that.


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## mbp86 (May 11, 2010)

I never would cheat on someone


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## PinkIllusion (Aug 18, 2010)

Shy_Lolita said:


> I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved. I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it?
> 
> I wonder if he still has feelings for me, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold. I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.


God, I am so sorry to hear about this. If there's one thing that I can't stand then it's when people cheat in relationships. Personally, I have a very hard time believing that someone who cheats, can really love their girlfriend/boyfriend. You seem way better off without him and from what you write, it sounds like a good thing that you took him off all of your contacts. I know that it hurts, but I think that the best thing that you can do is to try to move on. There're plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. I'm sure that a wonderful guy is there for you somewhere, once you're ready to date again.


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## kobie (Aug 21, 2010)

This question is not really applied to me because I have never been in a relationship at all. 
Is it applied when the person you held a unilateral feeling towards dated someone else? lol. 
But actually I know that I would never do so if I ever find myself in a relationship with someone else.


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## BreakingtheGirl (Nov 14, 2009)

Shy_Lolita said:


> I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved. I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it?
> 
> *I wonder if he still has feelings for me*, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and *every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold.* I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.


You are holding onto something you should be healing from. Every time you talk to him and think about what _was_ and ruminate over and over in your mind about the past and _if he has feelings for you_, you are revictimizing yourself and punishing yourself for something you had no part in. You need to move on. You _were_ good enough and_ are_ good enough to move on to something better. I`m sorry to say I`m not sure that he`s sitting at home thinking about you. Every day that you sit and home and think about him, you are giving more power to the hurt he caused. It isn`t worth it. I`ve wasted much time doing this and that makes me even more bitter. Don`t do him any favours by continuing your pain.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

In addition to Onigiri's list, I think codependency can be a major factor. A normal person who's not happy with their relationship will simply end it, but a codependent person may feel unable to handle being single again, so they feel they need to have another relationship already going before they can back out of the failing one. They cheat because they don't want relationship #1 but they tolerate it to avoid being single until they feel secure in relationship #2 (and who knows how many dates they do with different prospects in seeking a relationship #2).

I haven't cheated (no relationships = no opportunity, but I don't think I would if there were), and of course I think people who do are doing something wrong. And in your case, as others have said, you need to find a way to move on.


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## HTF (Nov 15, 2009)

I've been cheated on before....Words can't describe the pain and hurt.

I have and never would cheat on someone.. would never want anyone to feel that way. no matter how much i might hate them or whatever..


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

It depends on the type of person and their circumstances why they do it and what they feel about it. I think the lack of attention reason could be common, but also when there's bad or unresolved feeling/misunderstanding, poor communication, lack of passion, and lack of intimacy on various levels.

I've lived in the type of relationships where there was lack of passion and intimacy. I couldn't bring myself to cheat even when I received an offer and eventually ended one relationship after trying to revive it failed through counselling, etc.

I've never cheated or been cheated on (that I know of), but know the pain would be immense. Having someone who loved me leave me for someone she didn't due to circumstances beyond her control was painful enough just from the jealousy and other feelings. So I know if someone actually cheated on me, especially if I loved them, it would almost (or maybe would) destroy me.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

Onigri- I guess these are all pretty logical reasons. He started drinking and going to more and more parties and involving me less and less in his life towards the end so I think that was a huge part of it.

PinkIllusion- I try to believe that I deserve better and will find someone better and I really do believe that, but I keep thinking that there may be something really wrong with me and the way I handle my emotions that justifies him breaking up with me and everyone else I've been involved with ending it instead of me. I'm always the one getting dumped.

IrishK- I admit that I do think about it too often and that is very detrimental to my well being, and I ruminate on what I did wrong and whether or not I could change it, I've been away from him for so long that it shouldn't be an issue but it just hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I keep hoping that as time goes on and I continue to push myself forward, I will be able to not think about him.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

I am making efforts to make myself happy, I just sometimes feel the loneliness though and wonder what could have been...


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

Shy_Lolita said:


> I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved. I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it?
> 
> I wonder if he still has feelings for me, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold. I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.


I'm sorry that this happened to you.

Edit : to answer your question, I do think that it's possible to cheat on someone that you love and respect, although I'm not sure that this was the case with your boyfriend. I wouldn't think that cheating was unempathetic if it could be guaranteed that the other person would never find out. When you cheat you are breaking a rule but rules aren't valuable in and of themselves, they're only useful to the extent that they prevent negative consequences (couples agree to behave monogamously to prevent each other from experiencing jealousy, sadness etc. -a negative consequence). If you can break a rule without causing the negative consequence that made the rule useful to begin with, then there's no point in following the rule for it's own sake. If your partner isn't aware that you are cheating on them then they cannot suffer as a result and they're getting the monogamous partner that they want so long as they believe that their partner is monogamous, whether or not their partner actually is monogamous makes no difference as far as what they experience is concerned. I don't want to minimize how you feel or rationalize it away, I'm just explaining how some people might justify cheating on someone that they do love and think highly of.


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## PinkIllusion (Aug 18, 2010)

Shy_Lolita said:


> PinkIllusion- I try to believe that I deserve better and will find someone better and I really do believe that, but I keep thinking that there may be something really wrong with me and the way I handle my emotions that justifies him breaking up with me and everyone else I've been involved with ending it instead of me. I'm always the one getting dumped.


You know, one of my biggest problems is that I always end up caring more about others than they seem to care about me, and it'd be so easy to constantly blame myself, saying that I'm the problem each time etc. And I do that sometimes, I think that it all comes down to lack of confidence, as confidence is something that I lack really badly. However, to go back to your case, I strongly doubt that you've done anything that can justify him cheating on you. Even if you were an emotional girlfriend sometimes, cheating is the worst thing that someone can do to someone who they're supposed to love. I really hope that you feel better soon.


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Sorry to hear you've been cheated on I've been cheated on it sucks but have never cheated on someone and I never would!


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## Iwillovercomeanxiety1 (Aug 23, 2010)

Nope never cheated.. and I have no respect for anyone that does cheat. And I wouldn't even bother talking to this person if they cheated..


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Misanthropic said:


> I wouldn't think that cheating was unempathetic if it could be guaranteed that the other person would never find out. When you cheat you are breaking a rule but rules aren't valuable in and of themselves, they're only useful to the extent that they prevent negative consequences (couples agree to behave monogamously to prevent each other from experiencing jealousy, sadness etc. -a negative consequence). If you can break a rule without causing the negative consequence that made the rule useful to begin with, then there's no point in following the rule for it's own sake. If your partner isn't aware that you are cheating on them then they cannot suffer as a result and they're getting the monogamous partner that they want so long as they believe that their partner is monogamous, whether or not their partner actually is monogamous makes no difference as far as what they experience is concerned. I don't want to minimize how you feel or rationalize it away, I'm just explaining how some people might justify cheating on someone that they do love and think highly of.


Assuming the probability of the negative consequence occurring was negligible, I reckon being truly empathetic concerning your partner would be a hindrance. This is because you would essentially be inside their head and would feel what they would if they knew what you did. You'd need a way to compensate for that.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

its a sign that the act means more than the relationship. Its essentially saying the relationship isn't doing well or is over. Cheating does't cause the breakup. Cheating is just the last sign.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> Assuming the probability of the negative consequence occurring was negligible, I reckon being truly empathetic concerning your partner would be a hindrance. This is because you would essentially be inside their head and would feel what they would if they knew what you did. You'd need a way to compensate for that.


I disagree. To empathize with someone is to identify with _their _emotional state of mind, to feel what _they_ feel (not literally but through imagination). If you knew a man who was in a relationship with a woman who was cheating on him but she was a loving partner and made him very happy, for you to feel angry or victimized on his behalf is not empathy, it's you projecting your own emotions unto him. You might project your emotions unto him because you identify with him (maybe you wouldn't care if you thought he 'deserved' it or maybe you'd still be angry with his partner because humans have an innate sense of fairness/reciprocation so we tend to judge people for breaking social rules) but if he isn't being made to suffer then, from his p.o.v, nothing is wrong. How he would feel if he knew is irrelevant if he doesn't and never will know. Would it be unempathetic to fantasize about other people knowing that your partner might be hurt if they knew?

It can't be guaranteed that your partner will never find out that you cheated on them so that's enough of a reason for empathetic people to avoid doing so.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Im sorry he did that to you *hug*.. he's obviously very INSECURE.. guy needs attention from more than one woman .. it has nothing to do with you, if he didn't like you he wouldn't date you.. and "normal" men.. if theres such a thing lol! .. when theyre upset with you they dont run out and find a girl to stick it in with.. this guy is just sh*t. 
And no ive never cheated on someone.. never will either..and if a guy ever did that to one of my friends id make his life a living hell.. thats a guarantee lol.. once a cheater always a cheater


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## shale (Jul 24, 2010)

I remember that when I was a teenager and I cheated on my girlfriend, it wasn't because I was mad at her, I was just drunk and easily tempted when she wasn't around. I don't have that weakness anymore though.


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## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

No. I could never do that.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

*cheat*

i guess i buck the trend on this thread. I cheated most of my adult life, I was in serious relationships an married twice, but i was the original guy on heat, an never short of chance,s to take so i took them. Didnt bother me even if i loved the woman i was with at the time. Yes i know thats a load of balls but thats how i felt.Your boyfriend cheated on you , to me it doent mean he didnt love you its a fact of life ,right place right time thing. Lots of people have drunken regrets they will never tell and are ashamed of. I wasnt ashamed half the women i went with were married or in relationships. It didnt seem to bother them,some people who never thought about cheating could find themself sexually atracted to someone else an if alchol is present it happen,s . The guy or the women mabye is totally different to your wife or husband , they may laugh you into bed , make you feel good about yourself anything that,s not your normal day to day life. An before you say that would never happen to me. Thats bull**** the women i went with were somebodies wife or girlfriend so that therory goes out the window. I havent done it for years, i dont want to. If i did i would, but me an the wife are cool i always loved her an there wasnt anybody i was going to leave her for.Right or wrong i havent got my head up my arse an pretend it didnt happen. We never got divorced like %80 do in these times, An we are still in love like when we met . never regret what you have done, only what you havent.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Misanthropic said:


> I disagree. To empathize with someone is to identify with _their _emotional state of mind, to feel what _they_ feel (not literally but through imagination). If you knew a man who was in a relationship with a woman who was cheating on him but she was a loving partner and made him very happy, for you to feel angry or victimized on his behalf is not empathy, it's you projecting your own emotions unto him. You might project your emotions unto him because you identify with him (maybe you wouldn't care if you thought he 'deserved' it or maybe you'd still be angry with his partner because humans have an innate sense of fairness/reciprocation so we tend to judge people for breaking social rules) but if he isn't being made to suffer then, from his p.o.v, nothing is wrong. How he would feel if he knew is irrelevant if he doesn't and never will know. Would it be unempathetic to fantasize about other people knowing that your partner might be hurt if they knew?
> 
> It can't be guaranteed that your partner will never find out that you cheated on them so that's enough of a reason for empathetic people to avoid doing so.


I was referring to empathy; specifically the case in which you accurately infer what your partner would feel if they knew what you did. I didn't bring up the case of inaccurate projection. Of course, it cannot be known for certain what they'd feel; empathy does involve some projection anyway (the word _empathy_ came about in 1909 as a translation of the German word _Einfuhlung_, which is a term meaning "to project yourself into what you observe"). However, there are conditions under which you can be fairly confident of accurately inferring what they'd feel. For example, if they are overtly insecure in general or had discussed how they feel about cheating.

It may be irrelevant, but if you empathise with them to enough of a degree, it's very hard to get them out of your head. You can keep reminding yourself it's not relevant since they'll never know, but it's still there in the incongruency between what you present to them and what you actually are. I know this from experience (but not through cheating).


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> I was referring to empathy; specifically the case in which you accurately infer what your partner would feel if they knew what you did. I didn't bring up the case of inaccurate projection. Of course, it cannot be known for certain what they'd feel; empathy does involve some projection anyway (the word _empathy_ came about in 1909 as a translation of the German word _Einfuhlung_, which is a term meaning "to project yourself into what you observe"). However, there are conditions under which you can be fairly confident of accurately inferring what they'd feel. For example, if they are overtly insecure in general or had discussed how they feel about cheating.
> 
> It may be irrelevant, but if you empathise with them to enough of a degree, it's very hard to get them out of your head. You can keep reminding yourself it's not relevant since they'll never know, but it's still there in the incongruency between what you present to them and what you actually are. I know this from experience (but not through cheating).


I thought 'Einfuhlung' translated as 'in feeling'. You're right that empathy involves some projection to the extent that you can't literally feel what another person feels, you can only identify with what you imagine they feel but if you don't believe that a person being cheated on is suffering (directly or indirectly) as a result of being cheated on, you're not identifying with what you imagine they feel, you're just responding personally to the idea of someone doing the same thing to you or them having the audacity to do what they shouldn't do. If you believed that your car was sentient and you had a desire for it to be happy and not sad because you identified with what you imagine it feels, that would be empathy, even if it was misguided.

Empathy is not the only basis for human morality, even though I think moral decisions should be based on empathy alone. Guilt is not empathy (although you would probably feel guilty for hurting someone that you felt empathy for), it's a form of shame that you feel when you believe you have behaved inappropriately. Violating our innate sense of fairness/reciprocation is one thing that makes us feel guilty, this is why we consider lying to be generally wrong even though doing so is not necessarily harmful.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

*Cheat*

This is a long way round ,he shaged someone else, an she found out. Millions do it i dont get found out, they may carry guilt they may not. Time is a great healer. but in Tiger Woods case mabye not


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Misanthropic said:


> I thought 'Einfuhlung' translated as 'in feeling'.


Yes, that's the literal translation, but looking into the history of empathy's introduction into psychology will explain.



Misanthropic said:


> but if you don't believe that a person being cheated on is suffering (directly or indirectly) as a result of being cheated on, you're not identifying with what you imagine they feel, you're just responding personally to the idea of someone doing the same thing to you or them having the audacity to do what they shouldn't do.


That wasn't the case I was focusing on. I was only writing about empathy (which that isn't) and accurate inference, where you know/can read a person so well that you can predict their reactions to certain events accurately enough that it's as though they're in your head, making it hard to do things like cheat. That's all I was trying to convey after you mentioned cheating wouldn't be unempathetic if it was guaranteed they'd never know. Of course, inaccurate inference can also lead to states making it hard to cheat.

I didn't intend for things to go off topic into the basis of human morality; I know mostly from studying autism that empathy is not the essence of it. I just wanted to convey how the ability of genuine, accurate empathy would be likely to produce feelings that interfere in this case (knowing empathy-based feelings need only the imagination not an actual event to occur).


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> Yes, that's the literal translation, but looking into the history of empathy's introduction into psychology will explain.
> 
> That wasn't the case I was focusing on. I was only writing about empathy (which that isn't) and accurate inference, where you know/can read a person so well that you can predict their reactions to certain events accurately enough that it's as though they're in your head, making it hard to do things like cheat. That's all I was trying to convey after you mentioned cheating wouldn't be unempathetic if it was guaranteed they'd never know. Of course, inaccurate inference can also lead to states making it hard to cheat.
> 
> I didn't intend for things to go off topic into the basis of human morality; I know mostly from studying autism that empathy is not the essence of it. I just wanted to convey how the ability of genuine, accurate empathy would be likely to produce feelings that interfere in this case (knowing empathy-based feelings need only the imagination not an actual event to occur).


I think I understand what you're saying but I'm still not sure that I agree. I can imagine my laptop being sad but empathy requires a _belief_ that my laptop actually is happy or sad. You can predict how your partner would react if (s)he found out you were cheating on them but you can also predict how they'd react if their dog died or they were in a car accident or in any number of bad situations. In this hypothetical scenario where it can be guaranteed that their finding out isn't even a possibility, I don't see why how they would react is relevant (to empathy). I agree that feelings other than empathy, like guilt and anger, can be the result of empathy although distinct from it and not wanting to feel guilt might prevent someone from cheating.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

Misanthropic said:


> I think I understand what you're saying but I'm still not sure that I agree. I can imagine my laptop being sad but empathy requires a _belief_ that my laptop actually is happy or sad. You can predict how your partner would react if (s)he found out you were cheating on them but you can also predict how they'd react if their dog died or they were in a car accident or in any number of bad situations. In this hypothetical scenario where it can be guaranteed that their finding out isn't even a possibility, I don't see why how they would react is relevant (to empathy). I agree that feelings other than empathy, like guilt and anger, can be the result of empathy although distinct from it and not wanting to feel guilt might prevent someone from cheating.


 Jesus the guy had sex with another girl, hardly the meaning of life debate????????????


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

foxy said:


> Jesus the guy had sex with another girl, hardly the meaning of life debate????????????


Ethics is the question of how humans should behave towards one another so cheating is an ethical question, even if it's not up there with abortion, the war in iraq, homicide etc.


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## Robot the Human (Aug 20, 2010)

I had the opportunity to cheat. I didn't but I hope my input is useful. You could say it was a close call. 

Everything was laid out for me, no pun intended. I walked in to check on this girl, because she was drinking a lot. The girl was wasted on a bed, in her undies and wanting me there with her. Me and my gf was about to break up and were fighting that same day. The girl in bed seemed to think I had every right to sleep with her. She knew about my situation. It was no easy decision. (This was at a party by the way. I went to the party to get my mind off of our little fight.)

I chose not to. The only thing I could think of is my gf or my ex-gf's feelings. In my own mind I was broken up with her, but I was still bothered. I didn't love her anymore, but I still cared. I wanted to break up with her, but I didn't want to crush her heart. I knew sleeping with this girl would destroy her and add insult to injury.

I think it all comes down to, just how selfish the person is. Will the guy make up excuses for his own selfishness, or will he do the right thing for the person he cares about, all relationship statuses aside. I could have easily used the excuse, that we were going to break up anyways. Most I think would have used that very excuse. To me, one night of sex wasn't worth it. It's not like I don't enjoy sex either. For all I know, the girl wouldn't even remember and nobody would even have to know about it if I did sleep with her. I still didn't want to risk it.

We officially broke up the next day.


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## crunchysoups (Aug 27, 2010)

In the past, I have cheated a lot, but I am currently with my partner who I have never been more in love with...

When I would cheat, its like the other person I was dating didn't exist anymore. It was pure excitement, and I always acted on my lust instead of thinking first. I would tend to have obsessive thoughts, too. When I saw somebody that I was attracted to, or if I had a small crush on somebody, it was this huge ordeal to me and I couldn't distract myself from it. The reason I cheated was because I didn't care enough about the person I was dating; I thought I loved them, but I obviously didn't since I cheated on them. Being attracted to other people is normal, but acting upon that attraction is a crappy thing.

I've also been cheated on, and that totally sucks. I think that cheating is common until you find the right person who loves you... I mean, even animals who mate for life cheat on each other! Not to justify, but it's interesting...


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## NotRealName (Feb 28, 2010)

I wouldn't do it. You know what hurts more though, if they were your friends to begin with. Not only did they cheat on you, but as a friend, they deceived you.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Misanthropic said:


> In this hypothetical scenario where it can be guaranteed that their finding out isn't even a possibility, I don't see why how they would react is relevant (to empathy).


Only in that the hypothetical cheater would him/herself know and, despite them knowing it could be guaranteed to never be discovered, genuine empathy would likely still be a hindrance to cheating. I have experienced this myself (but not through cheating). The secret kept bugging me despite knowing my parents couldn't find out what I was hiding from them. Yes, the hindrance to cheating doesn't have to come from empathy, and there can be many other reasons. I specifically referred to empathy because you mentioned it when suggesting cheating not being unempathetic if it was guaranteed the partner wouldn't find out. I was explaining why I think people with genuine empathy, even in this situation, would be much less likely to cheat.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> Only in that the hypothetical cheater would him/herself know and, despite them knowing it would never be discovered, genuine empathy would likely still be a hindrance to cheating. I have experience this myself (but not through cheating). The secret kept bugging me despite knowing my parents couldn't find out what I was hiding from them. Yes, the hindrance to cheating doesn't have to come from empathy, and there can be many other reasons. I specifically referred to empathy because you mentioned it when suggesting cheating not being unempathetic if it was guaranteed the partner wouldn't find out. I was explaining why I think a person with genuine empathy, even in this situation, would be much less likely to cheat.


Emotions are subjective so this debate can only go so far.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Why are some of you debating sh*t... this is about a woman whos upset.. be a little more sympathetic this thread is about HER afterall


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

kathy903 said:


> Why are some of you debating sh*t... this is about a woman whos upset.. be a little more sympathetic this thread is about HER afterall


You're right.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I don't care.


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## InThe519 (Sep 21, 2009)

Shy_Lolita said:


> I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. *I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved.* I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it?
> 
> I wonder if he still has feelings for me, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and *every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold.* I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. *I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.*


A) because he's scum, immature, mentally/emotionally retarded and cowardly. the same as anyone who cheats.

B) why are you or would have still been talking to him after the fact?

C) you were TOO good for him and MORE than good enough. he didn't deserve YOU.

Facts are simple, if you want to **** other people, end the relationship or don't get into one. You can't have both. It takes a special kind of gutter pig to cheat on someone. Mostly these people are cowards, weak and selfish.


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

No and I would not. Families are ruined by selfish acts like that. I should know, mine was.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

InThe519 said:


> A) because he's scum, immature, mentally/emotionally retarded and cowardly. the same as anyone who cheats.
> 
> B) why are you or would have still been talking to him after the fact?
> 
> ...


sounds like you have been dumped a few times


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

kathy903 said:


> Why are some of you debating sh*t... this is about a woman whos upset.. be a little more sympathetic this thread is about HER afterall


They were being sympathetic but they were voicing their opinions and how they see things... the OP, by being able to read it, will be able to grasp how different men can value or devalue monogamy in a relationship and what the thought processes are behind those who cheat and those who don't.

How did it become your problem whether they discuss it or not? If the OP had an issue with it she could have said something.

As to the OP... I'm sorry that this happened... some men are just weak and untrustworthy... even the people we fall for and give our hearts to sometimes disappoint us and hurt us - but if your guy was your age he is young, and though that is not a huge excuse as men of all ages cheat, he has not reached an age of maturity to know and value a relationship and the trust and honor and respect that go with it. This will help you be more careful with your heart next time but know that NOT all men cheat and you will find a good one if you are patient and selective.

This hurt will fade, you will realize in time that this was not your fault - he did this - not you and it is no reflection on you. There will be a day when you are just so thankful and glad that he is gone and that you have a good healthy loyal man in your life and that he did not stay with you... if you know him long term through a circle of friends you will see him hurt other women as he has hurt you and you will feel badly for them.

This was not your fault and you do deserve better and he deserves what he gets.


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## herb the dolphin (Mar 26, 2010)

I've never really felt the need to cheat while in a relationship... but once I was sort of in a 'grey area' where I felt totally connected and devoted to someone who refused to commit one way or the other because of some stuff that had happened in the past (I was having a hard time too)... so it was mostly because I was angry and frustrated and I knew I could do it. It was a lousy thing to do... especially when she started doing it too, but if things are really messed up like that or you're not getting to the point where you want to be with someone, then it can happen. 

I know in my case it wasn't really cheating because we weren't even really together... or maybe we were and I was too stupid to realize it... but I still felt guilty about it... so maybe it kind of was. But really, I think I can sort of understand why. It's kind of an ego thing like you want to prove to yourself that you can do it, but I guess in some situations you just don't think about it and let your hormones do all the work... you know when you just feel kind of drawn to someone.

Okay, I'm rambling...


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

caflme said:


> They were being sympathetic but they were voicing their opinions and how they see things... the OP, by being able to read it, will be able to grasp how different men can value or devalue monogamy in a relationship and what the thought processes are behind those who cheat and those who don't.
> 
> How did it become your problem whether they discuss it or not? If the OP had an issue with it she could have said something.
> 
> ...


 That was a cool answer, what your saying is life,s a ***** sometimes but not forever.


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## Toad Licker (Nov 2, 2007)

Nope and I never would.


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## GnR (Sep 25, 2009)

Nope. There isn't enough booze on the planet to get me to do something that horrible.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Shy_Lolita said:


> I loved my ex boyfriend very much and he cheated on me with some random girl he met at a bar one night. I just wonder how he could do that to someone that he supposedly loved. I want to hear from people who have cheated. Why did you do it? How did you feel about it?
> 
> I wonder if he still has feelings for me, he has a new girlfriend. He's an hour and a half away and every time I try to talk to him he's very distant and cold. I had to take him off of all my contact lists on my phone and computer because it hurt too much to have him there. I'm still really hurt by what he did and how he reacts to me. I feel like he never really loved me and I wasn't good enough for him.


He probably can't face you - the guilt and shame. He may have a new girlfriend because he thought he was no longer good enough for you.

I don't know - I am known to have weird perspectives sometimes.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

No, and I never would.


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## Lumi (Aug 21, 2010)

Oh gosh no! I am asexual, lol... And I cannot cheat even as an emotional level.. Love and kissing is sacred for me. I am totally odd...


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

PinkIllusion said:


> You know, one of my biggest problems is that I always end up caring more about others than they seem to care about me, and it'd be so easy to constantly blame myself, saying that I'm the problem each time etc. And I do that sometimes, I think that it all comes down to lack of confidence, as confidence is something that I lack really badly. However, to go back to your case, I strongly doubt that you've done anything that can justify him cheating on you. Even if you were an emotional girlfriend sometimes, cheating is the worst thing that someone can do to someone who they're supposed to love. I really hope that you feel better soon.


Thanks, PinkIllusion. I'm the same way. I care way more for others than I do for myself. This is something that my therapist discussed with me a lot when I was seeing him. I also tend to justify other people's mistakes and not forgive my own. It's a blessing and a curse. I'm always humble and sincere, but I also put myself down so much and am constantly fighting against myself.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

Robot the Human said:


> I had the opportunity to cheat. I didn't but I hope my input is useful. You could say it was a close call.
> 
> Everything was laid out for me, no pun intended. I walked in to check on this girl, because she was drinking a lot. The girl was wasted on a bed, in her undies and wanting me there with her. Me and my gf was about to break up and were fighting that same day. The girl in bed seemed to think I had every right to sleep with her. She knew about my situation. It was no easy decision. (This was at a party by the way. I went to the party to get my mind off of our little fight.)
> 
> ...


I think you made the right decision, he cheated after he decided to break up with me and it hurt so much more than if he would have just broken up with me which hurts a lot. I just keep feeling like he left me for her even though she was just a one night thing based on what he said.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

InThe519 said:


> A) because he's scum, immature, mentally/emotionally retarded and cowardly. the same as anyone who cheats.
> 
> B) why are you or would have still been talking to him after the fact?
> 
> ...


Thanks. I talked to him because I was still very much in love with him and we were far apart and I wanted answers to why he left me like he did. He just broke my heart more and more with the attitude he had. I also talked to him because I always have only a few friends and he was one of them who I considered a good friend before all of this happened and wanted to keep him as a friend but couldn't.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

kathy903 said:


> Why are some of you debating sh*t... this is about a woman whos upset.. be a little more sympathetic this thread is about HER afterall


Thanks Kathy, but it's fine. It happened a long time ago (too long for me to be continuing to be upset about it) and I started this discussion to get multiple perspective. I find the debate to be very interesting and well spoken on both sides. Sometimes threads create something unintentional that's not necessarily bad, I didn't start the thread just to get attention and good feelings it's something I really was wondering about.


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## InThe519 (Sep 21, 2009)

foxy said:


> sounds like you have been dumped a few times


I was cheated on once, but that was because I should have known better, considering the past of the lass I was with. That was my retardation. lol

I just know a lot of people that cheat and or have been cheated on and it's just pathetic. The deal really is the cheater is too big of a coward to try to live life single and just **** many people, so they secure a "relationship" as a safe/at home/back up plan and continue their "single" life as is.


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## CuartaVez (Dec 8, 2009)

Well right now i'm being strongly accused of it and she's putting me thru hell because some girl i know who's a good friend and nothing more decided to take a quick snap shot of her kissing me on the cheek outta nowhere and uploading it on facebook. So now she's calling me a jerk and a liar and bringing up just about every negative thing i did in the past. I know this is Typical Woman Behavior but ugh i just don't friggin get 'em sometimes.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

InThe519 said:


> I was cheated on once, but that was because I should have known better, considering the past of the lass I was with. That was my retardation. lol
> 
> I just know a lot of people that cheat and or have been cheated on and it's just pathetic. The deal really is the cheater is too big of a coward to try to live life single and just **** many people, so they secure a "relationship" as a safe/at home/back up plan and continue their "single" life as is.


 Yes an a cool life it is to , loveing one person, but giveing joy to many if your a sex god


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

foxy said:


> Yes an a cool life it is to , loveing one person, but giveing joy to many if your a sex god


If you define a 'cool life' as being one in which you're a deceiving selfish pig... maybe it is, yeah :roll

I have no respect for cheaters. Just weak cowards happy to string someone along for their own selfish gain. I could never break someone's trust in me like that and still be able to sleep at night. All I think about cheaters/people desiring to cheat... can't commit to a monogamous relationship, don't be in one.

I'm so sorry someone did this to you Shy Lolita, I definately think you're doing the right thing by cutting off contact with him. He's not worth the pain of staying in touch with him.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

mooncake said:


> If you define a 'cool life' as being one in which you're a deceiving selfish pig... maybe it is, yeah :roll
> 
> I have no respect for cheaters. Just weak cowards happy to string someone along for their own selfish gain. I could never break someone's trust in me like that and still be able to sleep at night. All I think about cheaters/people desiring to cheat... can't commit to a monogamous relationship, don't be in one.
> 
> I'm so sorry someone did this to you Shy Lolita, I definately think you're doing the right thing by cutting off contact with him. He's not worth the pain of staying in touch with him.


Hurry the monastery door,s are closeing ??


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

foxy said:


> Hurry the monastery door,s are closeing ??


:lol


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## Emptyheart (Sep 15, 2009)

lol i feel really stupid..i posted here a couple days ago and i thought you meant cheating like on tests..lol DELETED my post...LOOOOL


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

Emptyheart said:


> lol i feel really stupid..i posted here a couple days ago and i thought you meant cheating like on tests..lol DELETED my post...LOOOOL


I thought you were joking, lol


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Emptyheart said:


> lol i feel really stupid..i posted here a couple days ago and i thought you meant cheating like on tests..lol DELETED my post...LOOOOL


That sounded like a really interesting story though. How did you all try to cheat on the SAT?


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## Emptyheart (Sep 15, 2009)

Misanthropic said:


> I thought you were joking, lol


Nope! lol...I just dont read though the thread at times.:teeth


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Girls who cheat are the scum of the earth.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

stranger25 said:


> Girls who cheat are the scum of the earth.


Girls _*and guys*_ who cheat are the scum of the earth.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

*mad*

girls., guys ,aliens, monkey,s, frogs, horse,s, camel,s, sharks . are scum of the earth if they cheat, ooooooooooooooo i think iv,e flipped//


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

I don't know. I guess I am more sympathetic. I was cheated on a few times, but I loved her and talked to her about it. We lived a fair, but not huge, distance apart, and often she felt the need for companionship and affection when i wasn't there. Sure, it hurt me, but I tried to be sympathetic and understand why she felt the need to do it, and why she felt the urge to be intimate with someone else. By no stretch of the imagination was she 'the scum of the earth' She was, and still is, an amazing and beautiful person/soul. Because often when you love someone, getting in a rage is not going to help. On the occasions she did cheat, she was in a great deal of emotional turmoil about it, and I could either listen, or lose her. And I still understand why she did it, and that she didn't want to hurt anyone. She's a very very emotional and passionate person and gets drawn into intimate emotional situations easily, especially when someone shows her the attention. I know why and I am not going to discuss those reasons. But emotions can be very overpowering and cheating isn't always about selfishness or sex. Often it is about companionship and feeling loved; a feeling that often, like in my case, a partner may not be providing sufficiently. Not to say what she did was ok. But I didn't get angry. I tried to understand why, and I tried to make her feel better about it. And also let her know that I love her beyond her failings. And I still do; even though she doesn't want anything to do with me because she still loves me, but is too messed up emotionally to commit. She's lonely.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

Selbbin said:


> I don't know. I guess I am more sympathetic. I was cheated on a few times, but I loved her and talked to her about it. We lived a fair, but not huge, distance apart, and often she felt the need for companionship and affection when i wasn't there. Sure, it hurt me, but I tried to be sympathetic and understand why she felt the need to do it, and why she felt the urge to be intimate with someone else. By no stretch of the imagination was she 'the scum of the earth' She was, and still is, an amazing and beautiful person/soul. Because often when you love someone, getting in a rage is not going to help. On the occasions she did cheat, she was in a great deal of emotional turmoil about it, and I could either listen, or lose her. And I still understand why she did it, and that she didn't want to hurt anyone. She's a very very emotional and passionate person and gets drawn into intimate emotional situations easily, especially when someone shows her the attention. I know why and I am not going to discuss those reasons. But emotions can be very overpowering and cheating isn't always about selfishness or sex. Often it is about companionship and feeling loved; a feeling that often, like in my case, a partner may not be providing sufficiently. Not to say what she did was ok. But I didn't get angry. I tried to understand why, and I tried to make her feel better about it. And also let her know that I love her beyond her failings. And I still do; even though she doesn't want anything to do with me because she still loves me, but is too messed up emotionally to commit. She's lonely.


To be brutally honest, she doesnt want any thing to do with you. because doormat springs to mind


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

Selbbin said:


> I don't know. I guess I am more sympathetic. I was cheated on a few times, but I loved her and talked to her about it. We lived a fair, but not huge, distance apart, and often she felt the need for companionship and affection when i wasn't there. Sure, it hurt me, but I tried to be sympathetic and understand why she felt the need to do it, and why she felt the urge to be intimate with someone else. By no stretch of the imagination was she 'the scum of the earth' She was, and still is, an amazing and beautiful person/soul. Because often when you love someone, getting in a rage is not going to help. On the occasions she did cheat, she was in a great deal of emotional turmoil about it, and I could either listen, or lose her. And I still understand why she did it, and that she didn't want to hurt anyone. She's a very very emotional and passionate person and gets drawn into intimate emotional situations easily, especially when someone shows her the attention. I know why and I am not going to discuss those reasons. But emotions can be very overpowering and cheating isn't always about selfishness or sex. Often it is about companionship and feeling loved; a feeling that often, like in my case, a partner may not be providing sufficiently. Not to say what she did was ok. But I didn't get angry. I tried to understand why, and I tried to make her feel better about it. And also let her know that I love her beyond her failings. And I still do; even though she doesn't want anything to do with me because she still loves me, but is too messed up emotionally to commit. She's lonely.


I admire you for this. I don't know if I could have felt the same way if that happened to me when I believed that cheating was wrong (beyond just the consequences). I still don't understand how people cheat if they believe that doing so is disrespectful or unethical.

What I want to know is why there seems to be so few people who can actually get away with it.


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## Rbk (Aug 5, 2010)

Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend with... my own hand


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

Rbk said:


> Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend with... my own hand


 right or left , if your left you are a bad boy?????


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## Rbk (Aug 5, 2010)

Right


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

Selbbin said:


> I don't know. I guess I am more sympathetic. I was cheated on a few times, but I loved her and talked to her about it. We lived a fair, but not huge, distance apart, and often she felt the need for companionship and affection when i wasn't there. Sure, it hurt me, but I tried to be sympathetic and understand why she felt the need to do it, and why she felt the urge to be intimate with someone else. By no stretch of the imagination was she 'the scum of the earth' She was, and still is, an amazing and beautiful person/soul. Because often when you love someone, getting in a rage is not going to help. On the occasions she did cheat, she was in a great deal of emotional turmoil about it, and I could either listen, or lose her. And I still understand why she did it, and that she didn't want to hurt anyone. She's a very very emotional and passionate person and gets drawn into intimate emotional situations easily, especially when someone shows her the attention. I know why and I am not going to discuss those reasons. But emotions can be very overpowering and cheating isn't always about selfishness or sex. Often it is about companionship and feeling loved; a feeling that often, like in my case, a partner may not be providing sufficiently. Not to say what she did was ok. But I didn't get angry. I tried to understand why, and I tried to make her feel better about it. And also let her know that I love her beyond her failings. And I still do; even though she doesn't want anything to do with me because she still loves me, but is too messed up emotionally to commit. She's lonely.


Sometimes I almost wish he would have or will take me back and I know I'd forgive him. But he seemed happy with his new girlfriend the last time I checked. I've been replaced and discarded, but I guess I'm getting used to it.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

My daughter lived with a guy. an they broke up 3 times. Then he left , if had stayed away after the first time it would have saved a hell of a lot of heart ache for my girl. so dont wish for him back it wont last.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

My friends boyfriend hooked up with me. It was the second time I ever drank, and this guy came onto me cause he's a total freakin' predator, and I was insecure/embarrassed about how inexperienced I was with guys at 17 so I was somewhat easily persuaded. It was a very stupid and selfish decision that I truly regret. 

Since, I did tell the guy no a couple times, and he willfully ignored me and intentionally got me more drunk that night, my friends stood up for me when my friend didn't accept my apology. I feel really badly because she had to leave our school because my group of friends straight up rejected her for not accepting my apology. 

They always tell me it was mostly the guys fault, but I still feel really guilty. I know I was drunk, but that's not an excuse :/

He was a creeper though. I felt bad for what I did. He was just mad that I told my friend that it happened.


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## Shy_Lolita (Jan 3, 2009)

You did the right thing, McMuffin. That's a hard apology to accept, but I agree with your friends that it is mostly his fault and you did refuse and he ignored you, it's a painful situation for both of you, but he gets off free because of ridiculous double standards. But if he can feel good about himself after doing that to you, then that shows what a poor character he is.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

mcmuffinme said:


> My friends boyfriend hooked up with me. It was the second time I ever drank, and this guy came onto me cause he's a total freakin' predator, and I was insecure/embarrassed about how inexperienced I was with guys at 17 so I was somewhat easily persuaded. It was a very stupid and selfish decision that I truly regret.
> 
> Since, I did tell the guy no a couple times, and he willfully ignored me and intentionally got me more drunk that night, my friends stood up for me when my friend didn't accept my apology. I feel really badly because she had to leave our school because my group of friends straight up rejected her for not accepting my apology.
> 
> ...


 You are the one that went with him, stop blaiming the drink. You did the **** on your friend an thought an apology would get you of the hook because he made you look stupid. An your poor friend ended up haveing to leave school because you an your buddies made her life hell, for not welcomeing your apology. You wanted the guy an she know,s it, you dont just go with people, you must be a cheap lay ,one night drunk an you give it up.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

mcmuffinme said:


> My friends boyfriend hooked up with me. It was the second time I ever drank, and this guy came onto me cause he's a total freakin' predator, and I was insecure/embarrassed about how inexperienced I was with guys at 17 so I was somewhat easily persuaded. It was a very stupid and selfish decision that I truly regret.
> 
> Since, I did tell the guy no a couple times, and he willfully ignored me and intentionally got me more drunk that night, my friends stood up for me when my friend didn't accept my apology. I feel really badly because she had to leave our school because my group of friends straight up rejected her for not accepting my apology.
> 
> ...


So you were raped?


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

foxy said:


> You are the one that went with him, stop blaiming the drink. You did the **** on your friend an thought an apology would get you of the hook because he made you look stupid. An your poor friend ended up haveing to leave school because you an your buddies made her life hell, for not welcomeing your apology. You wanted the guy an she know,s it, you dont just go with people, you must be a cheap lay ,one night drunk an you give it up.


I didn't blame the drink. I explicitly said being drunk was no excuse, and I honestly wasn't attracted to this guy physically- I just had low self-esteem and was being selfish. I DO feel bad that my friends disowned my other friend, but I didn't want or ask them to do it. I was too timid and cowardly to stop them.

...and this guy knew what he was doing, and made every advance, which I either accepted or rejected randomly and timidly. He had no problem blaming me entirely. I at least allotted myself blame when I told my friend.

I don't think she should have accepted my apology either, in retrospect, but it does bother me that she felt her boyfriend had no fault in the matter when everyone knew he was a creep. I thought I deserved an equal amount of blame, but I guess it doesn't matter, cause wrong is wrong.

Oh, and I don't know if it makes a difference, but he was 21. I know it does legally, but I'm talking morally moreso. 


> So you were raped?


I don't think it's that black and white. Plus, I didn't go all the way with him. I'm still a virgin today.


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## foxy (Jul 3, 2010)

You made it sound like you slept with him. Jesus what,s all the fuss about, its like a tale from a school girl diary.


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## JayDontCareEh (Jul 16, 2007)

The question itself implies that I'm capable of maintaining more than one relationship at a time. Quite flattering, actually.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

mcmuffinme said:


> I don't think it's that black and white.


Maybe not. But you don't seem to be honestly owning up to the fact the you enjoyed it, you disregarded your friendship, and your friend was ostracized because of it. Whatever "hooking up" means now.

Not only did a good friend betray her, then she couldn't even hang out with the same group of friends.

Everyone makes mistakes. Its part of life. But when you tell the story like you were the victim, it comes off a bit selfish and self-centered.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

VanDamMan said:


> Maybe not. But you don't seem to be honestly owning up to the fact the you enjoyed it, you disregarded your friendship, and your friend was ostracized because of it. Whatever "hooking up" means now.
> 
> Not only did a good friend betray her, then she couldn't even hang out with the same group of friends.
> 
> Everyone makes mistakes. Its part of life. But when you tell the story like you were the victim, it comes off a bit selfish and self-centered.


Wait, you don't know that she enjoyed it. You don't have to go all the way to feel taken advantage of. I've heard girls say they "hooked up" when they didn't actually take that final step. But, it doesn't mean that she wasn't taken advantage of or possibly coerced into something she didn't feel comfortable with. She told us that she told him "no".

However, I do feel for the friend. You may think she didn't blame the boyfriend, but you don't really know that. You should have gone out of your way to apologize to her and make it up to her if you really considered her a friend. And, personally, I would not want to be friends with that group of girls that thought it was okay to ostracize the poor girl.


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## Dub16 (Feb 28, 2010)

when i was in college i was goin oot with this really lovely girl fer a year. One day she went ta canada fer a few months. she had booked ages ago, she tried to swerve it to stay with me, but her friends complained. We kissed goodbye in the midle of the night and a piece of my heart broke.
Weeks later I was at a house-party with friends. And I'd had too much ta drink. I got talkin to this really friendly lass and I was actually tellin her aboot how much I missed me girlfriend. i dont know how or why but she suddenly kissed me and i kissed her back. 
We had mutual friends (some of whom were at the party).
Within 24 hours I had lost the girl i loved and all my friends.
My SA kicked in quite viciously after that. I had been a bit over-confident and stuff, but nothin hits you harder than losing everyone you love in a short space of time.
the worst part was knowing that it was all my fault. 
It took me ages to get over that. I had to start all over and find new mates. Which isnt easy, as all yee know, with SA.
Its amazing how much damage one single kiss can do. 
I'm pretty much obsessed with loyalty now, and that might be the reason why. 
In the last ten years I've only kissed two people and i made sure that it mattered.
Cheating on someone can do more harm than you might think.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

melissa75 said:


> Wait, you don't know that she enjoyed it. You don't have to go all the way to feel taken advantage of. I've heard girls say they "hooked up" when they didn't actually take that final step. But, it doesn't mean that she wasn't taken advantage of or possibly coerced into something she didn't feel comfortable with. She told us that she told him "no".


I assume she enjoyed it? Otherwise she'd be screaming for the guy to get away right?

I have no idea though. She could've been so drunk she was paralyzed. She said it was a selfish act on her part. Only she can tell us the truth. We can only speculate.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

VanDamMan said:


> I assume she enjoyed it? Otherwise she'd be screaming for the guy to get away right?
> 
> I have no idea though. She could've been so drunk she was paralyzed. She said it was a selfish act on her part. Only she can tell us the truth. We can only speculate.


You're right...she did say it was selfish. I assumed that meant it was selfish of her to initally entertain that level of interaction with him, perhaps not knowing it would turn into something more. Yeah, who really knows...but, I didn't get the idea that she enjoyed it when she says she told him no.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

Dub16 said:


> when i was in college i was goin oot with this really lovely girl fer a year. One day she went ta canada fer a few months. she had booked ages ago, she tried to swerve it to stay with me, but her friends complained. We kissed goodbye in the midle of the night and a piece of my heart broke.
> Weeks later I was at a house-party with friends. *And I'd had too much ta drink. I got talkin to this really friendly lass and I was actually tellin her aboot how much I missed me girlfriend. i dont know how or why but she suddenly kissed me and i kissed her back. *
> We had mutual friends (some of whom were at the party).
> Within 24 hours I had lost the girl i loved and all my friends.
> ...


This is just one of the reasons I find it difficult to trust guys AND girls! Sounds like you learned from it and now you're one of the "good" guys, though .

I am so intolerant of cheating. There is this switch that is instantly turned "off" when someone cheats on me, even with just a kiss. I'm done with that person. Just flirting gets to me. But, trust is a hard thing for me, and once someone has it, it should mean something.


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## Dub16 (Feb 28, 2010)

melissa75 said:


> This is just one of the reasons I find it difficult to trust guys AND girls! Sounds like you learned from it and now you're one of the "good" guys, though .
> 
> I am so intolerant of cheating. There is this switch that is instantly turned "off" when someone cheats on me, even with just a kiss. I'm done with that person. Just flirting gets to me. But, trust is a hard thing for me, and once someone has it, it should mean something.


Oh I'd fully agree with you melissa. And the post that i made there summed up the worst moment of my life. Aye i'd fully agree with you that trust should be earned it should mean something.
It should mean MORE than "something".
That one kiss is the single biggest regret of my life. and i paid for it. You're correct in everything you said.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

VanDamMan said:


> I assume she enjoyed it? Otherwise she'd be screaming for the guy to get away right?
> 
> I have no idea though. She could've been so drunk she was paralyzed. She said it was a selfish act on her part. Only she can tell us the truth. We can only speculate.


I didn't enjoy it. He just came on strong, and I was too timid, insecure and selfish enough to think I needed to hook up with someone to be validated as a normal girl despite what it did to my friendship. I do blame myself- to make that much clear.

I wish I had done things differently, and I deserve to be despised by my old friend (and my entire group of friends). I'm far from dismissing what I did just because the guy in this scenario didn't have the purest of intentions himself (to say the least).

I think my friends turned against her because she explicitly put no blame on her boyfriend who was notorious for cheating on her, and being a skeeze in general, but still- she shouldn't have been ostracized for hating me, which was perfectly understandable.

(and on a side-note: it wasn't just female friends that turned against her- it was an equal group of boys and girls...I just thought it was interesting that it's assumed all my friends were girls)


> Everyone makes mistakes. Its part of life. But when you tell the story like you were the victim, it comes off a bit selfish and self-centered.


I don't think I was trying to come off as the victim in what I wrote. In any case, I do feel badly about the way things panned out and how I acted, or in certain instances, didn't act.

Anyway, I just wrote this in this thread because I've always had really mixed/confused feelings about this event in my life and wanted to express it, and hear responses outside my friends that I know have biased opinions.


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## InThe519 (Sep 21, 2009)

mooncake said:


> If you define a 'cool life' as being one in which you're a deceiving selfish pig... maybe it is, yeah :roll
> 
> *I have no respect for cheaters. Just weak cowards happy to string someone along for their own selfish gain. I could never break someone's trust in me like that and still be able to sleep at night. All I think about cheaters/people desiring to cheat... can't commit to a monogamous relationship, don't be in one.*
> 
> I'm so sorry someone did this to you Shy Lolita, I definitely think you're doing the right thing by cutting off contact with him. He's not worth the pain of staying in touch with him.


Bingo! Well said.


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