# Unable to form an emotional attachment with anyone?



## spct

it feels like all the relationships i've had in my life (family & friends) have been based purely on superficiality and convenience. i've never really felt much of an emotional attachment with anybody. i mean, they're all good people and i wish them happiness etc. but i don't really value our relationship. if i don't see my friends for a while, i don't really miss them, but rather the things we'd used to do when we'd hang out (i guess talking can fall under that bracket, but moreso banter than meaningful conversations). i don't value my relationship with my sister at all. she's a great person, but i just don't enjoy being around her, mainly because i can't really relax i guess, even though she's my sister! and with my parents, the things i value most are probably having a roof over my head and all those little conveniences that they provide for me. i feel like i don't love anybody, even my own family. sure, my self-esteem/confidence is pretty low, but it feels like there's something else missing in me which makes me incapable of feeling emotionally attached to anyone. my family are all trying to support me, but i can't talk to them. when i try (and i have done several times), i only feel worse. it's like there's a distance between us that i can't close.

i don't really know what i expect from this thread, but i felt a need to vent i guess. is this standard social anxiety behaviour? am i over-complicating things? if so, what's the solution? talking to a therapist, perhaps? it seems when other people i know are down/become depressed, they turn to close friends/family to help them get through it. i feel like i have noone (even though i am lucky to have a few people willing to help) so i feel myself continuing to spiral down into depression.


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## Drella

spct said:


> i've never really felt much of an emotional attachment with anybody. i mean, they're all good people and i wish them happiness etc. but i don't really value our relationship.


That's basically how I feel. I've never been close to anyone, and I've honestly never wanted to be close to anyone specific. Sure, I'm bored by myself, but I don't really want to be around other people, either. I feel uncomfortable around absolutely everyone; I can't be myself around my family, I'm alienated in college, and I have no friends. Sometimes, I think the primary reason that I desire company is that it's "normal," and I don't like being viewed as abnormal.

I think that detachment from social contacts is relatively common among social anxiety sufferers. I'm sure it would be productive to bring it up with your therapist (if you have one), and try to work through it together.


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## Andrew White

I won't claim to be in this situation exactly, I have a friend that I am very close to and it isn't out of conveinece. I am also very close to my father. But that's about it, I haven't made a new meaningful friend since I was 4 and it takes me a looooooong time to think of anyone new as a friend on any level. I even feel strange using the word friend.

What I can say is I have noticed a ruthlessness in myself regarding relationships with people. I have it within me to cut people out at the drop of a hat and I won't feel in the least upset about it and I have done it in the past. I often question what are friends for anyway, why am I bothered meeting new people when I feel that no new people can ever come into my life in a meaningful way. I feel inconvienced by other people which is selfish.

The detachment may be a way of coping with being so isolated. Some people are miserable by having no one in their lives while others just accept it. If I limit my attachment to people they can't hurt me. I only trust my 1 friend and my father.


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## nothing to fear

i think you are able, you just have to meet the right person/people. i know that is very difficult though, seeing as i stay in side and don't socialize except with a few friends.


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## FairleighCalm

My problem is the opposite. Anyone remember Deanna Troy from Star Trek the next generation. She was an empath. Like her, I feel an emotional attachment to everyone. And I mean that. It's just as much a quandry as not having any attachment. Although I cannot imagine having no emotional attachment to anyone. This can get me into trouble especially when Im attracted to someone and I can "feel" them. This is almost like peaking at christmas gifts, or cheating on a test.


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## spct

thanks for the responses. it's interesting to see people's different perspectives and it fills me with at least some hope knowing some of you have managed to form meaningful bonds with people despite the difficulties. it takes me a long time to feel even vaguely close to anyone also. i guess i haven't been able to tackle that final hurdle yet though.

it's kind of strange. part of me is happy being somewhat of a recluse (taking after my dad, who's very unaffectionate and has no desire for friendships) whilst part of me is desperately lonely (taking after my mum, who's very warm and for whom friendships are everything). i think, ultimately, i do crave a strong emotional attachment with at least one person though. probably the key right now is to start feeling better about myself again.


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## FairleighCalm

Maybe this is obvious but the more we communicate with the others the higher our chance of forming an emotional attachment. Duh?!


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## BeachGaBulldog

Yeah, because I get hurt. Someone always stabs me in the back.


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## Jaded_Jester

BeachGaBulldog said:


> Yeah, because I get hurt. Someone always stabs me in the back.


 :ditto


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## QuietCoral

FairleighCalm said:


> My problem is the opposite. Anyone remember Deanna Troy from Star Trek the next generation. She was an empath. Like her, I feel an emotional attachment to everyone. And I mean that. It's just as much a quandry as not having any attachment. Although I cannot imagine having no emotional attachment to anyone. This can get me into trouble especially when Im attracted to someone and I can "feel" them. This is almost like peaking at christmas gifts, or cheating on a test.


I'm kind of like this too. If i talk to people even about seemingly unimportant things i will tend to become emotionally attached to them. even just people i only talk to once in a while.... i mean its a healthy thing as long as it doesn't get out of hand which for me can and has proven to be a problem at times. I think many times though I have become the one who is more attached and feels the friendship is more than it is and then when i don't see that person anymore (maybe because they used to work at the same place as me and then quit....) and its like we so quickly are not even friends anymore and i always wonder how people can just move on and not be my friend anymore. though they probably would still consider me a friend they just have many others to fall back on and can meet people easy so they don't need me really and never felt the attachment i felt. 
anway yeah long post i know sorry but i was just thinking out loud


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## jaayhou

spct:

I used to feel the same way. I never really cared deeply about anyone and I thought of myself as being very emotionally detached. As I pondered that possibility, I thought about friends who had lost parents or family members and what I would do in that situation. I was a little appalled at myself, I guess, when I decided I wouldn't be overly upset if one of my parents died. I always wanted a career that would enable me to help people with their health, yet I felt little to no sympathy for sick people. At one point I was convinced that the AIDS epidemic in Africa wasn't worth solving because the people largely brought it upon themselves. I wasn't proud of this outlook on life, but it was mine nonetheless.

I'm not sure if it grew out of maturity, or if I've just become more emotionally dependent, but my feelings have recently changed. I now value deeply my relationships with my parents, family, girlfriend, and the few close friends that I have. It may have been a result of the recent depression bout I had, but I've learned to be more compassionate toward people and that I'm lucky to have the relationships I do right now.

That's probably not much help, but all I can offer is the advice to give it time. It is possible to change from my experience.


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## Fiera

I think that it's possible to get emotionally attached to people. I am attached to my parents and sisters. There is someone in Florida that I have known since I was 15 and it feels superficial though, I find it odd because I remember being emotionally attached to that person. I think that it's because we don't live near each other anymore and really you have to be around the person alot to be attached to them.


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## senrab

I have with my family and close friends, but never in a romantic way.


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## epiphony1002

So I woke up this morning at about 4:30 and realized that the single biggest problem in my life is the belief that I can't form close relationships. I'm in my early 30's, and this has been a problem for me for many years. Anyway, I googled "unable to form close relationships" and found this forum. I read all the posts here, and am in exactly the same boat as most of you, with some exceptions. I am really good at surface relationships. People like me, and for the most part I like people on a surface level. Time after time however, I have pushed away anyone who gets too close, and haven't particularly cared - it's just something I do and have done for a very long time. I don't intend to continue doing this, as it is too greatly impacting my life. Luckily for me, I have spent a great deal of time learning how the mind works, and how to create amazing changes in your life by changing your thoughts. I know how to do this, but have not applied it in this area of my life because again, I haven't particularly cared and have been content spending time alone, and also partly due to the fact it is a lot of work and I tend to be lazy about such things. Also, I am of the opinion that, no offense to anyone here, most so-called disorders are complete BS - and yes, I would put S.A.D in this category. The minute you label something as a "disorder" it implies you are unable to change it without "professional help". Never make yourself a victim, take ownership of your life. I could list a number of events of my life that have lead me to where I am today - with no close friends, romantic relationship, not close to my family etc, but in the end it is not the events of your life that have caused this, it is your reaction to those events. A final thought... if you are comfortable in your current situation and really don't want an emotional attachment with others, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Yes, society will send you all kinds of messages that this means there is something wrong with you, but there isn't - again assuming that you are truly content living with these beliefs.


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## copper

I pretty much stay detach with most people. I have been hurt a lot in my life and don't want to be hurt again. So I keep others at a distance. I wish I could change this way of thinking. But I have been doing this most of my life so it is hard to change. :rain


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## Sledgehammer88

meh...I'm pretty much the same. I can't remember the last time I said "I love you" to either of my parents.


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## jaayhou

epiphony1002 said:


> Also, I am of the opinion that, no offense to anyone here, most so-called disorders are complete BS - and yes, I would put S.A.D in this category. The minute you label something as a "disorder" it implies you are unable to change it without "professional help". Never make yourself a victim, take ownership of your life.


Like many others I have been wrestling with something I couldn't understand my whole life--far before I'd heard of SA. Even then, I denied anything was truly wrong by striving to be more "social." Call it a disease, a disorder, whatever...it's arbitrary. It exists nonetheless and I'm sure many would agree with me here when I say that the emotions and feelings I battle daily are not BS. They are very real to me and, before I learned of the "disorder," I was unaware that there was anything that _could_ be changed. Please don't generalize by stating the word _disorder_ implies the perception that we can't change, because it's completely untrue. Read the "Triumphs over Social Anxiety" forum for evidence of that.

It puzzles me how people always seem to follow the phrase "no offense" with a blatantly offensive statement. :con


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## Peanuts

:ditto I agree. The feelings I battle every day are no small thing and my discomfort around people keeps me from getting too attached to anyone. I have basically accepted that is how it will be for the rest of my life. I don't doubt others have successfully overcome this but I have tried many things and am no better off. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. :stu As soon as I can have a dog (as soon as I get my house) I won't be quite so lonely anymore. :sigh


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## mjp

I feel the same way most of you do. I havn't been able to really connect with another person in my entire life. I've just been hurt so much in my life that I can't trust people. i used to have friends when I was younger and they all desserted me - kids can be cruel! So I guess I feel like something is wrong with me and that if I let anyone get to close that they will hurt me. :afr


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## Hoppipolla

I feel tha same way. Even with my family. If I didn't have SA I could move anywhere in the country and not miss anyone. 

I've noticed a lot of people had said they feel the same way. Does that mean we're all heartless and selfish?


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## njodis

It's kind of the opposite for me. I get attached to people way too easily, even when it's not appropriate and will only lead to disappointment.


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## themockingbird

i was hurt emotially pretty often when i was younger so i'm way too afraid of emotially getting to know someone now, even though i want it


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## BeachGaBulldog

I have been hurt a lot in my life, so I gave up reaching out a long time ago. I don't trust anyone, because they never gave me a reason to.


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## azmusclecar

I just discovered this forum. I'm going through a very difficult time at the moment. I've been treated for severe depression for the past 25 years and fought to get off all the medications.

I just wanted to note this........has anyone, other than me, noticed how even me accepting Jesus Christ as my savior, and have claimed to be a christian for the past 20 years, even my relationship with God/Jesus?Holy Spirit feels empty.

It seems my prayers are just words, my inner feelings of any strength and hope and promise just seem so empty.

I listen to people who feel the joy of the Lord and it seems even after becoming born again........I LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR......................

If I was given one gift from God I wish it were PEACE...............for it seems it has never existed in my head from being an abused child to the present day.

I'm so very very tired of pretending to be that filled with joy christian ......I just can't seem to be able to connect on a spiritual level to find peace in my mind and in my life. 

My routine consists of daily bible devotions. I try to get my day started off right. But somehow it all seems to get lost as the day progresses. Most days I find myself contemplating ending my life which I know I can't do. It just feels so horrible to be caught in this vicious cycle of hope eternal at morning light to doom and gloom by days end.

I pray fervently for God to take me home........and it just seems I'm here for some unknown and unforeseen reason.......and it takes all I have just to go day to day to day.

If you know the "fruit of the spirit".it seems my tree is barren of fruit.


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## Goawaywarain

My friend, please read "the art of happiness" by Cutler. It is based on interviews with the Dalai Lama, but will certainly not offend your christian beliefs. It was a great help to me when I was experiencing similar feelings.

Things will get better!


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## KING7

I think I have all the answers
Its taken me a couple of years to work out

ok, this is how it starts:
when youre young you learn to live without a relkationship
you date but u never move in. You keep up with family and a lot of friends
keeps you up witht he times
and keeps you balanced and prevents you being hurt (if some distance then can protect ur self by moving away - partner can never hurt you - also, friends are safer they dont get so emotional and older relatives dont have an agends to hurt u either)
in the short term, you have th ebest of all worlds. You have balance, minimal risk of getting hurt and time for 'yourself' in effect to be selfish

ayou come across as balanced and not needy

as the gf/bf put pressure on you to commit you feel pressure (they dont likely have the same social set up as you ) and makes them nedy and you feel in controil

if uyou gave up your social networks you would be vulnerable and dont want to do that

time on your own gives you time to reflect and analyse and make sure you dont get hurt and are 'safe'

but one by one the social networks die as the peopel settle down and the relatives get older

you had relatively small insecurities in the beginning but still wanted to protect yourself

as you get onder the insecurities actually increase - youve never truly had full acceptance from a partner cos uv never committed

as the insecurities grow you feel even less like committing

we are creatures of habit. its hard to break the cycle

as the social circles reduce you have to work harder to get soiccl contact and trvel further

being alone becomes the only way of being 'safe' - no -one can hurt you.

as the circles thin, uyou revert to other mediums like clubs and internet for communication

it is an ever-decreasing sircle that ends in isolation

and you suddenly realise your friends have 15 yr old kids, the couples are all much more relaxed as they have a paretner. Also, the couples have kids which keep them young and they mix with other couples

you end up online

you also fall behind with technology (asa the kids teach the parents) , you miss the joint income and dont have the natural company oif a partner

you miss the affection too

also, as you have speread yourself so thinly over the years AND THIS IS THE ANSWER TO THE FIRST POST you feel you have friends sporead out all over the country/world - they are the ones you spent time with

you confided in different peoiple along the way but they have partners and have moved on now ther is less space for you

so u feel u know a lot of people and have afection for them - but fundamentally you are sitting on your own

attachments occur between two people

they happen naturally at scholl, then at university and at early professional training grounds like graduate programs and PwC

people are young, undamaged and open to formig strong bonds

thats where future relationships are formed

as people get older they find it hard to create these

u need to be in regular contact (and I mean physical, daily), open to a relationship and and be in a similar place to those people and emotional bonds form naturally

if you miss out on these periods then things become harder

as you get olfder there are less undamaged single people around. At work things get more political and there is less camaraderie. the ones that are left are often messed up by being isolated/have serious emotional issues from previous relationships or have kids and much of their emotions are focused on them - you will never be number 1

also by these ages - 30-45 people become established in jobs and houses and routines and routes to work

if they are single, the burdeon of survival is huge - they bneed to hold down demanding jobs, they start to feel the pressure of the mortgage, they have to asminister all their bills, try to keep fit, clean the house andcook and eat.

For 1 person in the modern world this is v diffivult

u start to feel exhausted and have less to give yourelf

u become even more set in your ways to survive

the opotential partners do too

then there is logisics - at school, everyone lives near each other. at uni eeryone is on camous togehter or nearby. same often with early stages of work

as we get older poeple couple up and move away

so you are left in a situation where people you have known in the past are sprea dout every where. woork is demanding. all then people from wor have resopnsibilities at home (wife/kids) and dont want to go out after work

clubs only meet once or twice a week and the people have these other responsibilities and so the contact you have is minimal

its the continued interaction that forms the attachments

at this stage, whatever you do is difficult. other single peoiple have got used to being alone and dont necessarily want somweone 1oo% of the time.

Work may send you around to diffenretn locations and u cant get a regular pattern at the gym.clubs or work

the answer is difficult to achieve: you will only trully be happy in a full partnership where you live together and operate as a team

we need to stop hiding behind 'time on our own' and hiding behind friends and relatives

to form attachments you need to do this:

- stay in the same job (hopefully one that has got some single people of the opposite sex)
- get a place near to work so the travelling is not that stressful
- try to go by public ransport if poss at the same time every day
- do your shopping in the same supermarket at the same time every day - if itd a time when there are too many people or not enough single people then change it -if u go at the same time as othe rsingle women for exanmple you can strike up some early form of attachments and hope things develop
- get a flatmate of the opposite sex - u might get close to them or one of their friends plus it gives you come social contact at the same time

wehen you feel ana attachment forming with someone half decent give it a goo - dont look for perfection, you will never find it

IN SUMMARY - attachment is formed by repeated proximate interactions with people with similar outlooks/histories etc

the more regular the stronger the attachment grows

I really hope this helps,

I am 42 and have had many excellent relationships and lots of friends. Unfortunately I spread my self too thinly instead of focusing on the 1 partner. Now I am reduced to this

i realise the earlyu you form a lasting relationship the better this will be

good luck


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## KING7

another couple of things - if you formed a successful relkationship early the you are less afraid nd less needy - you have your emotional needs met

the longer you are single and the more broken relationships you have the more you tend to hide away to be safe. although u want emotional attachment it becomes scarier and ascier. Also as you get older people are tougher and treat you less kindly. P,llus they have set up social circles to keep them selves afloat. Often as you get older theires is stronger than yours. and you are left reaching out, but if you are reaching out to people in relationships or striong social circles then you become the needy one and can get more easily rbuffed - you need thenm more than they need you

if they sense this they will feel pressure and you will feel hurt

depression in myu book comes 90% with isolation - that could even be within a relationship if it is broken down but more often it is the singles who suffer it

so even though spending time alone makes you feel 'safe' in the short run it acually makes you more needy


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## KING7

i notice othe rsingle peopel i meet of 35 are v much more insular and unwilling to sopen up much.

at 20 they were probly really open and friendly

so if u recognise this then it will probbaly be best to create regular procimity to other people (in a physical way, not online)

thanks


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## jhaul23

i had this problem too, still do, but not as bad as i used to, i've been going through a spiritual awakening recently and the only thing that works is opening up and not fearing, just opening up my heart as its said has been the change for me, still working on it been difficult due medication changes, but getting there


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## KING7

yes but once ur isolated its hard to get out of. ur going to be needy whatever and you'll never end up with the scure base that other people will have who settled down youngerr.

still you have toi try. And finding a partner is the key - to everything it seems

because from that your emotional and affection and sence of belonging needs are filled and from that the rest flow

its all about the partner....


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## sad vlad

SA is not really about being uninterested in relationships but being too scared of rejection, abandonment, people in general. The lack of interest in other people, not being able to form a meaningful bond, not missing them, could, in fact. be caused by a different disorder. There is a list of possible disorders that could fit to your symptoms, usually harder to deal with than SA, but since there is too little information, I will not name them. It would be just speculating. You should see a professional for a proper diagnosis.


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## JBGood

*You said it!*



> IN SUMMARY - attachment is formed by repeated proximate interactions with people with similar outlooks/histories etc
> 
> the more regular the stronger the attachment grows
> 
> I really hope this helps,
> 
> I am 42 and have had many excellent relationships and lots of friends. Unfortunately I spread my self too thinly instead of focusing on the 1 partner. Now I am reduced to this
> 
> i realise the early on you form a lasting relationship the better this will be
> 
> good luck


I agree with everything you said. The next question is HOW do you start these relationships? For me the challenge is (per my wife) is that how do I get 'personal'? I can carry a conversation on many subjects very well, but she tells me that gets boring after a while. I've asked her to define what personal means to her, and as best as I gather, she means some shared interest or history. I try the same thing and she acts like it's forced, or I don't get it.

For me, the challenge is (and has always been) finding like minded people. Moving from NY to CA was a big cultural shift. I sometimes feel like I'm nuts, I don't see things eye to eye on many things with people here. If I didn't go back to the East Coast every once in a while, I think I'd really doubt myself. Hard to get a real reality check when your basic perspective is different.

The other thing I've picked up from this column is that I should make sure my kids STAY IN THE SAME SCHOOL DISTRICT, even if there is a much nicer neighborhood several miles away.

To everyone, thanks for posting!


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## Boomaloom

Andrew White said:


> What I can say is I have noticed a ruthlessness in myself regarding relationships with people. I have it within me to cut people out at the drop of a hat and I won't feel in the least upset about it and I have done it in the past. I often question what are friends for anyway, why am I bothered meeting new people when I feel that no new people can ever come into my life in a meaningful way. I feel inconvienced by other people which is selfish.


Yes, have noticed that in myself too. Have had a situation where someone wronged me (not massively, but it seemed so to a naive 20 year old me) and I just cut that person out of my life. I now hugely regret it, but part of me thinks I will always have that capacity. It's like I don't respect people as human beings and see things from their perspective. I just treat them as objects who, if they affect me negatively, get kicked to touch. I don't know how I got to be like this. It's not like I had some dysfunctional childhood!



JBGood said:


> I agree with everything you said. The next question is HOW do you start these relationships? For me the challenge is (per my wife) is that how do I get 'personal'? I can carry a conversation on many subjects very well, but she tells me that gets boring after a while. I've asked her to define what personal means to her, and as best as I gather, she means some shared interest or history. I try the same thing and she acts like it's forced, or I don't get it.


Reminds me of my Uncle. He was well known in the community as a well read, well spoken old guy who could school anyone on a variety of topics. Yet, he died alone in his single bed and was found 2 days later. No one shed a tear for him. He kept everyone at arms length all his life. I heard him have many conversations with various people over the years, and it was always a case of him talking at people about what seemed to me, pretty obscure/boring topics. He of course thought they were fascinating.
But thats the clincher. He never really had those moments of levity, that shared joke or experience that bonds people. That's why he was respected but never loved.


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## NicholasLG

I use to get overly attached to people, now it's pretty much the exact opposite. Definately not proud of it. Though I do care a lot about people which is curious.


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## Matvey

I can make friends and having lasting friendships, but I wouldn't feel bothered if one of my friends stopped talking to me or had to move or something. I should be upset over these issues, or hurt if a person that I've known for a long time started suddenly distancing from me or stopped talking to me. But I just don't get offended. I accept it as it is, don't really care to wonder why, and move on. I also can't seem to form romantic bonds at all. People talk about love or crushes and I've never had any of those sensations. I actually used to think people were joking or exaggerating when they talked about how badly they wanted to have sex with or date this or that person. I tried dating, but saw it as irritating because the people I would date wanted to hang out a lot and talk or text on the phone all the time. Nobody was ever pushy about it, and the amount of time spent together was healthy, but it was irritating to be social so often. Every person I've dated was wonderful. The problem was me. I just couldn't think of anyone beyond a platonic level and I felt bad because I knew they were thinking about me romantically. Same goes with others I've tried to date. Great people, I just don't get attached romantically or physically. I'm 19 and an attractive woman, so people are starting to question me all the time on why I'm not dating. Thankfully, I'm working and in college, so I can use those excuses, but its vexing for people to ask all the time. I would love to know what deep bonds are like, or how romance and love feel, but I just can't seem to form these types of relationships.


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## a degree of freedom

Matvey said:


> I can make friends and having lasting friendships, but I wouldn't feel bothered if one of my friends stopped talking to me or had to move or something. I should be upset over these issues, or hurt if a person that I've known for a long time started suddenly distancing from me or stopped talking to me. But I just don't get offended. I accept it as it is, don't really care to wonder why, and move on. I also can't seem to form romantic bonds at all. People talk about love or crushes and I've never had any of those sensations. I actually used to think people were joking or exaggerating when they talked about how badly they wanted to have sex with or date this or that person. I tried dating, but saw it as irritating because the people I would date wanted to hang out a lot and talk or text on the phone all the time. Nobody was ever pushy about it, and the amount of time spent together was healthy, but it was irritating to be social so often. Every person I've dated was wonderful. The problem was me. I just couldn't think of anyone beyond a platonic level and I felt bad because I knew they were thinking about me romantically. Same goes with others I've tried to date. Great people, I just don't get attached romantically or physically. I'm 19 and an attractive woman, so people are starting to question me all the time on why I'm not dating. Thankfully, I'm working and in college, so I can use those excuses, but its vexing for people to ask all the time. I would love to know what deep bonds are like, or how romance and love feel, but I just can't seem to form these types of relationships.


That's curious. I relate to this entirely, and yet in the past I've had crushes and there were people I really liked and wanted to get to know better and be around when I could. Maybe it is just finding someone who breaks through somehow or just isn't what you expected or have ever experienced before. Maybe it takes a little flirting, pushing things playfully not knowing what a response you like even looks like beforehand. Maybe in that way, people can shine through. I don't know.

Sometimes I'll flirt a little for fun, yet mostly my experience is like yours: people seem like good people, but there is a sense of disconnection in how I would think of the person as a possible romantic interest or even why I should exactly. Maybe it's a reflection of a wonder why anyone would think of me that way. If I can flirt or play though, then maybe I'm confirming faith in the idea that I could shine through and be liked, which lets me think of others as potential romantic partners.

To some extent, even if that were the reason, the question is only pushed back a step: why after all would I not think of myself as possibly interesting? If I say, "because of experience", that's completely circular. But I'm not really convinced that's the full story in the first place. What is extremely salient though is a sense of separation between myself and others. I think if that could be cured, I wouldn't feel this way any more. Because if you ask why I'm different, I'll rehearse a whole list of insecurities and doubts about myself. Why is that difficult to look beyond? I fight off the meaning of that list constantly, but there are so many things on that list, I no sooner deny one fear I have over myself than I'm digging at some other vulnerability. Ultimately, I don't think merely resisting that long list of doubts and fears is enough. I know that, and so I'm constantly trying to give myself reasons to believe in myself, to set myself up to be happy with myself, and I go out of my way to do this if where I merely have the presence of mind to do so. Even then though, the success of self-awareness that ONE time feels like luck or chance and I can't even take credit there when you think I'd have good reason to. Why can't I believe in myself? Why, when I doubt, does it seem to seep in with a toxic feeling as though my efforts are all makeshift and crude? Why .... how can all these fears always find this fertile nest in my mind where there is genuine temptation to believe in madness that somehow I can't be trusted? This is all me though. Every square inch. Does integration imply I'm to dismiss all of this as meaningless and just one more fear? No I think, but there is no reason to fear. It IS one more doubt, but there is nothing to do in the face of the experience of the failure of faith except to have faith all the more. There is no other answer. Because as a law, I cannot be bound to the past.

And suddenly the mind goes still. Give me a little while I'll go back and edit out the rambling... V_V


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