# The perfect man cheated



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

He is everything you will ever want in a guy. But after almost one year of marriage, I just found out recently that he cheated on me.

Heres the thing, I have been in a long distance relationship with him for a very long time, I never knew while we were dating, he kept in touch with his ex even though they were also in different countries.

I went over for a holiday, and I managed to get his password to his email, he has mine too. I really didn't want to ever check behind him because I trust him like no other and love him like no other. I would have literally put my head on a chopping board and swear on my life for this dude, thats how much I trusted him.

One month after my return, I decided to check his email, I was shocked to see that all through 2010 and 2011 that we were dating, hes been in contact with his ex.

Hes been telling her how he will love her forever and no one will ever take her place. The funny thing is that, he would email me today and then email her tomorrow. Now what make this so painful is that, I was actually faithful all through those years to him, and she was not even physically close to her, he actually was in a long distance relationship with her as well as me/

2012 and 2013 no email to or from any woman....we are now married and he is a good man but I find it so so so difficult to let this go. Am I overrating?


----------



## Morumot (Sep 21, 2011)

Well if you really want to stay with him then see how things go and if he cheats again you know it's time to leave...

I say that because that's what you want to hear...


----------



## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Hi, G girl!
I respect your pain but there is no such thing as a perfect man or women. Just as there are no ''real'' men or women. I will not enter into that. I do not know if you are picking the wrong words or are in a state of delusion on this.
If he did tell her nobody will take her place in his heart then that is one more proof he cant be further away from perfection. 

I will not tell you what to do. It is up to you to decide. Can you still trust a person that has lied to you for so long? That always put you on second place? Can you be certain of his love? Are you capable of moving on and give him another chance? If the answer to all of the above is YES, then stick with him. If not, then move away. I know it is easier said than done. Nobody can feel your pain the way you do. Maybe you should even think of what would be more painful to you. To stay or leave.

Also, if you will tell him, he will realise you checked on him. I doubt he will like that. So keep this in mind when making a decision. Once you open the Pandora's box there will be no turning back.

Hope you will take the right decison whatever that is. Usually, although we are not aware, we already have the answer. We are simply looking for validations from others.


----------



## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

Once a cheat ......


----------



## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

He liked her better but he couldn't be with her cus
they lived in different places.
Move on and find someone else. He clearly still wants the ex.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

G girl said:


> I went over for a holiday, and I managed to get his password to his email, he has mine too.


What do you mean you "managed to get his email password"? Did he give it to you, or did you just 'acquire it' on your own?



G girl said:


> 2012 and 2013 no email to or from any woman....we are now married and he is a good man but I find it so so so difficult to let this go. Am I overrating?


Are you living together now? If so, how long have you been physically together?

The long-distance thing can be pretty complicated. How committed were you guys to each other? Did you have the 'exclusivity' talk or was it just assumed? Had you been physically meeting up during the time he was engaged with his ex, or had you never met in person?

I don't know... If I was in your position, this would rub me the wrong way too, for sure, but as I said... the long-distance thing... It's a complicated beast... Reading what you've written here, I find myself more focused on the fact that he's been "clean" for the past two years (I assume this being a time when you've been closer together, compared to the years prior).

If it's really bothering you, then talk to him about it (that is, assuming he _gave_ you his email information under the assumption you'd, at some point, give it a look-over... If you just 'acquired it' on your own, then that will open up more trust issues between you...).


----------



## extremly (Oct 25, 2012)

Really? You lived in separated countries and you didn't see cheating coming? Why do people put themselves on that situation? Either way break up with him. His lying through his teeth and he will cheat again. If you believe him is going to be an emotional roller coaster.


----------



## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm confused. Are you married but living apart?

If it's stuff that happened before you were married, it doesn't count. You really should not be digging into stuff that happened before you were married.


----------



## Alienated (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm confused ????


----------



## CHUGCOFFEE (May 21, 2013)

Wait have you confronted him about it?


----------



## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

sad vlad said:


> Once you open the Pandora's box there will be no turning back.


Isn't that the truth...


----------



## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

That kind of stuff just makes me pretty sick to my stomach. I personally have very little tolerance for someone who's ok with cheating, and in my opinion they'd have to be on a short leash for along time if I agreed to stay in the relationship. Short leash as in he should agree to a keylogger and anything else that makes you feel more secure in the relationship. Would that make for a pretty effed up relationship for a long time? Yeah, but I guess that's the decision, choose between a very rocky relationship for a long time until you can trust him, IF you can trust him, or start fresh with another guy.


----------



## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

It can be difficult for people to move on from their ex's. I wouldn't rush to judgment.


----------



## Justlittleme (Oct 21, 2013)

sorry to hear that, jeez...  life man.


----------



## Nexus777 (Dec 1, 2012)

"long distance relationship" ................does not work imo

If ur now married and live together and he cheated during marriage, divorce and get some $ out if him  If it was before marriage, it does not count as some poster said.


----------



## Interlude (Dec 11, 2013)

I think you have every right to be upset. Having said that, I agree with a previous poster in that online/long-distance relationships can be tricky. Even relationships in person can be tricky. There was a time in my life where I went on dates with multiple guys all at the same time-- even on the same day. But I was open and honest about it all, and I made sure they all knew that I did NOT consider myself to be in an exclusive/committed relationship with any of them. Not everyone communicates this, and assumptions can cause a lot of problems. 

If you had specifically agreed upon an exclusive relationship, then he was cheating. That was wrong of him. But it does sound like he decided at some point that he needed to end it with the other woman and focus on you. And he hasn't done anything since you were married. I do think that makes a difference, but it's up to you whether or not you can accept this. I would definitely talk to him, though. These things don't just go away. You'll always be thinking about it unless you discuss it. Good luck!


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

it was quite some time ago... can't really tell you what to do but i'd think about letting it go if the marriage is going well.


----------



## Nexus777 (Dec 1, 2012)

Interlude said:


> I think you have every right to be upset. Having said that, I agree with a previous poster in that online/long-distance relationships can be tricky. Even relationships in person can be tricky. There was a time in my life where I went on dates with multiple guys all at the same time-- even on the same day. But I was open and honest about it all, and I made sure they all knew that I did NOT consider myself to be in an exclusive/committed relationship with any of them. Not everyone communicates this, and assumptions can cause a lot of problems.
> 
> If you had specifically agreed upon an exclusive relationship, then he was cheating. That was wrong of him. But it does sound like he decided at some point that he needed to end it with the other woman and focus on you. And he hasn't done anything since you were married. I do think that makes a difference, but it's up to you whether or not you can accept this. I would definitely talk to him, though. These things don't just go away. You'll always be thinking about it unless you discuss it. Good luck!


Agreed. But...having dates is not really cheating. If ur an attractive female you have many options so you need to have severall guys that are interested anyway. So you can (from womens viewpoint) weed the "losers" and try to get the best deal(s)....

Also I guess its called "open relationship" what you describe.


----------



## Interlude (Dec 11, 2013)

Nexus777 said:


> Agreed. But...having dates is not really cheating. If ur an attractive female you have many options so you need to have severall guys that are interested anyway. So you can (from womens viewpoint) weed the "losers" and try to get the best deal(s)....
> 
> Also I guess its called "open relationship" what you describe.


Exactly. I think it's fine to date more than one person at once, as long as all parties are informed. Unfortunately, not everyone takes the time to define the relationship, which can lead to a lot of assumptions and misunderstandings. If it wasn't specifically stated that they were in an exclusive relationship, he might not have realized that she felt that it was. Of course, the time was long enough to where it's iffy, but that is why communication is so important. [Deleted another personal story. Suffice it to say that, while it may seem strange that people can be together for almost two years and not assume to be committed, it does happen and there is nothing wrong with that.]

So, yeah. I think men, too, need to "weed" out potential mates. It's better than getting married to someone you are not sure about it. But, again, all parties need to be aware that this is what is happening, or I DO think it's cheating and kind of scummy, too.


----------



## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

I may have confused you with another member, but wasn't the cheating thing already a problem when you were engaged and didn't we already try to discourage you from marrying him?



> we are now married and he is a good man but I find it so so so difficult to let this go. Am I overrating?


I don't know if you're overreacting, but this just sounds like something you won't be able to let go even after 20 years and I'm a firm believer in divorce.


----------



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

What I don't understand is people saying if this was before marriage it doesn't count, but we were in a serious relationship before we got married. I didn't just get up one morning like
khloe kardashian and decide 30 days later that I want to marry this man. I dated him for long, and we were in a very serious committed relationship when this happen......the painful part is that I was so committed to him....Whether he slept with her or did not even see her, the though alone keep hunting me, its so hard for me to get over. Like someone said its almost like I was his second choice.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

It counts even if it was before the marriage. I mean, it counts to you, doesn't it? Of course it counts.

Nothing in the world absolutely crushes your soul, like the moment you find out they've been cheating. I've been through it, I know what it's like. My ex-wife left her fb open one night, and everything was right there, all the details that I didn't really want to know about but could no longer ignore. I broke it off with her, even though we have three children together, our divorce should be final Jan '14. It would do my kids a huge disservice for me to stay with her and pretend to be happy, while we were both really miserable. I agree with once a cheater always a cheater. If I were you I would run. Just my two cents.


----------



## Testsubject (Nov 25, 2013)

I think you may be overreacting somewhat. All he is guilty of is emailing his ex ? No evidence of anything more? His ex could very well hold a special place in his heart but that does not mean he isn't in love with you. I personally wouldn't let something like this affect my feeling toward someone or question my relationship.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I think the timing of things is key.

If you were just dating with not much commitment, then I would think it would be okay. Was he still contacting her as of the day of your engagement or after? That's really when the commitment hits the fan, even though the dating exclusively is borderline.


----------



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

Testsubject said:


> I think you may be overreacting somewhat. All he is guilty of is emailing his ex ? No evidence of anything more? His ex could very well hold a special place in his heart but that does not mean he isn't in love with you. I personally wouldn't let something like this affect my feeling toward someone or question my relationship.


Are you kidding me or are you just found of jokes? He was sending her pictures, telling her how he will forever love her and no one will take her place........at same time emailing me as well. Cheating to you may be putting a d*** in the V, but cheating to me is not limited to only that.


----------



## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Are you worried that he "settled" for you?


----------



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

probably offline said:


> Are you worried that he "settled" for you?


What do you mean?


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Well, frankly, I'd say that it sounds like he'd run back to hear in a heartbeat if she'd have him. That's not the kind of thing anyone would want to find out about the person they're married to.

Have you confronted him about this?


----------



## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

G girl said:


> Are you kidding me or are you just found of jokes? He was sending her pictures, telling her how he will forever love her and no one will take her place........at same time emailing me as well. Cheating to you may be putting a di..ck in the V, but cheating to me is not limited to only that.


It might have another name, but if they didn't have sex or some other intimate contact, it isn't "cheating". I'm not saying that attempting to win over a girl while pretending to only be interested in you isn't bad, but the cheating label shouldn't apply.

People can have major crushes on people from their pasts too. It doesn't mean that they can never love another person again or be faithful to them.


----------



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Well, frankly, I'd say that it sounds like he'd run back to hear in a heartbeat if she'd have him. That's not the kind of thing anyone would want to find out about the person they're married to.
> 
> Have you confronted him about this?


He got angry when I confronted him and make it seem like it no big deal at all. I was testing him and I was like I don't think I can still in this relationship anymore
And he was like if thats what you've decide ok.


----------



## Crimson Lotus (Jul 26, 2013)

Be very wary of anyone, male or female, that tries to present itself as anything close to perfect or ideal; real people aren't like that, those that may seem like it are just presenting an act and are inherently dishonest. It's better to seek flawed honesty.

Sadly you got deceived by one of those people and there's nothing you can really do other than to cut your loses and move on.


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Schierke said:


> Be very wary of anyone, male or female, that tries to present itself as anything close to perfect or ideal;


It sounds like she looked at him as the perfect man, not that he portrayed himself as one.


----------



## equiiaddict (Jun 27, 2006)

To be honest, it sounds like you should move on. He realized he couldn't have the ex, so he picked you as his "second choice," and nobody deserves to be treated like that. 
Besides, once a cheater always a cheater. If I were you I'd cut my losses, move on, and try to find someone who respects and wants to be with you as much as you respect and want to be with them.


----------



## G girl (Apr 6, 2011)

JennaMarie said:


> To be honest, it sounds like you should move on. He realized he couldn't have the ex, so he picked you as his "second choice," and nobody deserves to be treated like that.
> Besides, once a cheater always a cheater. If I were you I'd cut my losses, move on, and try to find someone who respects and wants to be with you as much as you respect and want to be with them.


good advice.


----------



## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

Weird , married but not living with each other + guy cheated with ex that is in another country ?

No intercourse with both ??


----------



## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

_Perfect _and _Cheating _are oxymorons.

Unless he's the _perfect cheater_ though then he's got you there.

I couldn't quite make clear of what your OP meant G-Girl but if your S/O cheated on you before you got married and were still considered exclusive then that's bad, but if you weren't exclusive then as much as you hate it it is his past and not yours.

The fact that you're married though and you don't see any emails from any other woman means that he did choose you - but that being said he could have just started another email account that you are unaware of.

Respect and Trust in this relationship are on the compromise and you have to be certain that your husband still loves and is in love with you completely and won't ditch you the second he runs back into his ex. How do you be certain? I'm not so sure myself but I'm willing to offer a controversial method/opinion that many will frown upon.

Get your husband back into contact with his ex, and if he chooses you over her then that means he truly does love you.

*A cheater will always be labeled a cheater for the rest of their lives, but it doesn't mean that a cheater will learn/redeem themselves to never cheat again. There are such things as cheaters who have done right. *


----------



## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

extremly said:


> Really? You lived in separated countries and you didn't see cheating coming? Why do people put themselves on that situation? Either way break up with him. His lying through his teeth and he will cheat again. If you believe him is going to be an emotional roller coaster.


I've been in three long distance relationships and not cheated, I have no idea why you think cheating is inevitable, being faithful is very easy if you are a decent human being. I do agree with you though, dump him.


----------



## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

AngelClare said:


> I'm confused. Are you married but living apart?
> 
> If it's stuff that happened before you were married, it doesn't count. You really should not be digging into stuff that happened before you were married.


You think unless you are married, you are in an open relationship?


----------



## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

Like most on here you have LOW self esteem and put him up on a pedestal like he was one of a kind. Big mistake. No one deserves to be put up there. People tend to let you down when you do that.


----------

