# No interest in life at all now



## Fenren

I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere. 

I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here! 

I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all. 

I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


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## cooperativeCreature




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## loumon

I read your post earlier today and I wanted to say something that could be of some comfort to you...but what can one say to someone that is obviously so heart broken and in tremendous pain. After a few hours had passed...your post was still on my mind, and I figured that even if I don't know what to say...that at least I could tell you that your pain touched me. I do hope that somehow you can find... even if just a fraction of 'will' and strength to find what your purpose on this earth is - to go for it. Is there not something that you've wanted to do...but maybe you never found the courage to do, so you put it off for another day in the future. Well, the 'future' is now. 'Now' is the time.


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## Mongoose

I feel the same way. I've given up on life and don't care about anything anymore. I don't have a job or anything to live for.


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## laine73

*Don't give up...*

At one time or another, I think many of us on this site feel as though we do not measure up to our peers. It is NEVER too late to find love, to educate yourself for a better job, and in my case to drive. My goal to once and for all conquer this phobia. I get my share of snickers, laughs, rude comments and frustration from both friends and family, never really understanding.



Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


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## Icantbethatbad

Im 31 and in the same boat as you, I have had alot of chances with good jobs that could of changed my life around, but of course the dog eat dog society of the workplace pushed me out of a job and has ruined my health. So Im wondering whats the point, and the horrible reality that is life always wins....:no


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## jook

*FENREN* just give up - give up all the expectations and ideas you have about what your life (or you) should be. Give up the idea that you have to meet a certain standard to get the job, the girl, or your own self-approval. Give it all up. Give up externally imposed definitions of what makes you valuable and your life worthwhile and begin to construct your own definitions.

I found myself in the same place you're in about five years ago. I just didn't see the point in trying and trying and nothing changing. So I stopped trying to measure up to this ideal in my head and accepted what was. I stopped measuring myself according to other people and their "accomplishments." I realized that a kind word could be worth more than a million dollar home because that word might be the one that saved someone's life, and that I could be the one to deliver that word. I realized that I could be my own hero by living a life that has significance to me and may not mean much at all to the world at large.

Instead of beating myself up and being depressed about not having a prestigious job, I took one that was way beneath my abilities because I could do it without much anxiety. But within that job I defined my own idea of success by really pouring my heart into improving the quality of life of the sick and disabled people I worked with, and thereby deeming myself "accomplished."

When you hit rock bottom and you're at ground zero, that is the perfect place to rebuild, to reconstruct. Now that you have lost faith with what "the world" has defined as achievement you are in a place pregnant with possibilities where you can redraw the lines, reset the boundaries and write the rules for your own kingdom. I hope you will see your present state as an opportunity to begin to live YOUR life.


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## JakeBoston1000

in the same boat.i expect nothing from life now except to suffer more.I have a really shiatty disease on top of everything else that's wrong with me and i've had enough.just can't wait til it's over.There is nothing that i can do to change my situation and it's a done deal,i just hope there isn't much longer to go.


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## Fenren

Mongoose said:


> I feel the same way. I've given up on life and don't care about anything anymore. I don't have a job or anything to live for.


Well I know this thread by me hasn't helped you feel any better, but I hope things improve for you.



laine73 said:


> At one time or another, I think many of us on this site feel as though we do not measure up to our peers. It is NEVER too late to find love, to educate yourself for a better job, and in my case to drive. My goal to once and for all conquer this phobia. I get my share of snickers, laughs, rude comments and frustration from both friends and family, never really understanding.


Good luck with the driving, yes it's never too late for some things. I need to be more positive somehow.



Icantbethatbad said:


> Im 31 and in the same boat as you, I have had alot of chances with good jobs that could of changed my life around, but of course the dog eat dog society of the workplace pushed me out of a job and has ruined my health. So Im wondering whats the point, and the horrible reality that is life always wins....:no


I guess you just have to keep pushing forward and make our own chances. But stay realistic to make the best of life as it is, in your particular circumstances. A lot could improve in the next 10 years for you, hope things do.



jook said:


> *FENREN* just give up - give up all the expectations and ideas you have about what your life (or you) should be. Give up the idea that you have to meet a certain standard to get the job, the girl, or your own self-approval. Give it all up. Give up externally imposed definitions of what makes you valuable and your life worthwhile and begin to construct your own definitions.
> 
> I found myself in the same place you're in about five years ago. I just didn't see the point in trying and trying and nothing changing. So I stopped trying to measure up to this ideal in my head and accepted what was. I stopped measuring myself according to other people and their "accomplishments." I realized that a kind word could be worth more than a million dollar home because that word might be the one that saved someone's life, and that I could be the one to deliver that word. I realized that I could be my own hero by living a life that has significance to me and may not mean much at all to the world at large.
> 
> Instead of beating myself up and being depressed about not having a prestigious job, I took one that was way beneath my abilities because I could do it without much anxiety. But within that job I defined my own idea of success by really pouring my heart into improving the quality of life of the sick and disabled people I worked with, and thereby deeming myself "accomplished."
> 
> When you hit rock bottom and you're at ground zero, that is the perfect place to rebuild, to reconstruct. Now that you have lost faith with what "the world" has defined as achievement you are in a place pregnant with possibilities where you can redraw the lines, reset the boundaries and write the rules for your own kingdom. I hope you will see your present state as an opportunity to begin to live YOUR life.


Thanks for the advice, it's great you have helped others in that way in your work. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself, but really I just want the basics in life and don't even feel I can get that now.



loumon said:


> I read your post earlier today and I wanted to say something that could be of some comfort to you...but what can one say to someone that is obviously so heart broken and in tremendous pain. After a few hours had passed...your post was still on my mind, and I figured that even if I don't know what to say...that at least I could tell you that your pain touched me. I do hope that somehow you can find... even if just a fraction of 'will' and strength to find what your purpose on this earth is - to go for it. Is there not something that you've wanted to do...but maybe you never found the courage to do, so you put it off for another day in the future. Well, the 'future' is now. 'Now' is the time.


Thanks for your words and taking the time to reply, there isn't really anything I want to do now or I'd go for it. I need more of a purpose though, I'll just get worse now carrying on like this.



JakeBoston1000 said:


> in the same boat.i expect nothing from life now except to suffer more.I have a really shiatty disease on top of everything else that's wrong with me and i've had enough.just can't wait til it's over.There is nothing that i can do to change my situation and it's a done deal,i just hope there isn't much longer to go.


Well I can't imagine what you're going through Jake, sorry if my post made you feel worse. Nothing I can say will change your life, but i hope you feel more content and happy before the end.


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## yorky

not quite at this stage but know how you feel


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## Agricola

I understand how you feel. In my mind it is still the late 1990s/early 2000s. I feel like my life has not progressed at all since I was a teenager. I too feel the weight of regret because had I made better decisions and not let anxiety rule my mind I probably could have avoided feeling like a loser, a teenager in the body of a 31 year old. Lately I have been having trouble sleeping because I have dreams about my past and wake up miserable in a cold sweat. I have probably not had a good night's sleep in months. 


My only words of advice would be to try to not care what people think. I think this is such a big problem for people like us. We feel down because we compare ourselves to most "normal" people and we feel totally inadequate. It does not help that society, the media, and the general culture looks down on anyone who is not conventionally successful as a "loser." Because our culture tells us that we live in a meritocracy where anyone who is good enough can become successful and happy, those who are not deemed successful are "no good" by definition. They are "losers."


Lately I have been trying to avoid commercial media and other toxic influences that tell me that life is only worth living if you are conventionally successful like the rich, beautiful people on TV. I am not sure if you are into philosophy or alternative types of thinking but lately I have been reading some outsider works that help me to understand just how our modern society helps make us sick. I think many of us with SA might be non-conformists of some sort of another, even if we don't really realize it. It is not surprising that we have trouble integrating into a society that demands a very narrow range of acceptable behavior.


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## mjkittredge

jook said:


> *FENREN* just give up - give up all the expectations and ideas you have about what your life (or you) should be. Give up the idea that you have to meet a certain standard to get the job, the girl, or your own self-approval. Give it all up. Give up externally imposed definitions of what makes you valuable and your life worthwhile and begin to construct your own definitions.
> 
> I found myself in the same place you're in about five years ago. I just didn't see the point in trying and trying and nothing changing. So I stopped trying to measure up to this ideal in my head and accepted what was. I stopped measuring myself according to other people and their "accomplishments." I realized that a kind word could be worth more than a million dollar home because that word might be the one that saved someone's life, and that I could be the one to deliver that word. I realized that I could be my own hero by living a life that has significance to me and may not mean much at all to the world at large.
> 
> Instead of beating myself up and being depressed about not having a prestigious job, I took one that was way beneath my abilities because I could do it without much anxiety. But within that job I defined my own idea of success by really pouring my heart into improving the quality of life of the sick and disabled people I worked with, and thereby deeming myself "accomplished."
> 
> When you hit rock bottom and you're at ground zero, that is the perfect place to rebuild, to reconstruct. Now that you have lost faith with what "the world" has defined as achievement you are in a place pregnant with possibilities where you can redraw the lines, reset the boundaries and write the rules for your own kingdom. I hope you will see your present state as an opportunity to begin to live YOUR life.


This is an extremely well written, amazing message and I hope everyone on here reads it.

Our perspectives torment us. We don't believe we have a choice as to what they are. We take the judgements of society and judge ourselves in our own mind by them. Maybe in many ways we're fine and the world is s***. If we buy into the worker bee/mass consumer narrative being pushed at us, where being a big earner and big spender is the goal in life, we can gain wealth but lose our soul in the process.


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## Bunnicula

I feel a similar way in that my anxiety and depression have somewhat lifted, yet I am even less motivated and hardly care about anything at all anymore.

It seems that any illusions I had about life have fallen away one by one, and that growing up was basically a series of disappointments. Oddly enough as a young person I was somewhat optimistic that if I kept doing what I was supposed to in terms of pursuing an education, living a healthy life, following the rules that things would turn out okay. In any event I don't feel that bad about not living a typical life caught up in the usual trappings of a career or a family, I consider myself lucky to have escaped a life like that.


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## PasstheCarbs

I've come to accept that I only feel like a loser waste of life because me and everyone else were indoctrinated since birth into an unhealthy way of thinking because it benefits society to create as many wealthy consumers as possible. It benefits a country's economy and government but not so much the individual. The idea of kicking kids of of the house at 18 is absurd. The idea that a kid fresh out of high school can afford a $100,000+ degree is equally insane. The amount of work people like us would have to do to 'make it' is beyond ridiculous. Work 3 jobs. Take classes at night. Don't sleep. Live a nightmare for years hoping it will lead to a comfy well paying job with benefits and stability doing something you can tolerate. The stupid idea that life is a race/competition with your peers to earn the most money. That idiotic first question new people always ask you "So what do you do" so they can sum up your worth as a person by your job. It all combines to warp and twist what the real meaning of life is. What real happiness is. What real satisfaction and fulfillment is. It's the worst part about living in a growing capitalist country. People mock and make fun of you if you still live at home at 24. They throw hurtful insults about what a loser you are if you're a virgin living with your parents at 25+. Basement dwelling neckbeard losers. Human cruelty at it's finest. Meanwhile, most the rest of the world believes the opposite. People scoff where I live at the idea of generational homes where families are closer and help each other. My Mom talks to her Mom maybe 4 times a year. My brothers come around to visit maybe 6 times a year. I talk to my parent's everyday. I finally know who they are because I live with them as an adult. Why is that a bad thing?


So, you have to struggle to break from the wrong train of thought you were brainwashed into believing, which is pretty hard. I've been hearing and witnessing for years that positive optimistic people are prone to being more accepted and successful. It's like a snowball effect. If you're in a good state of mind and mood, it kind of radiates out into the world and good things happen. Like how they say luck isn't real and people that are lucky make their own luck. On the other side of the spectrum, being in a dark sad state just makes things nearly impossible and more bad things just keep happening to you if your miserable.


If you do a google search for "I hate my life", you get 180,000,000 hits in 0.33 seconds. "I hate my job" kicks back 225,000,000 in 0.44 seconds. Read a few of these people's sad posts and how many NEED mind altering drugs just to survive another day in their miserable lives desperate for some sort of relief and you kinda come to the conclusion that maybe nothing is wrong with you or these billions of people, but something is with the world as a whole. 
Modern society is fairly new for us humans. For most of our history, we lived in small communities just like other mammals do. I honestly don't think a lot of people are ready to live in huge cities of 200k+ people let alone 2+ million. The only other life forms that do are insects and microscopic critters with tiny little brains. Then all the rules and goals placed by modern society to make people 'succeed'. It all creates a huge amount of stress and anxiety. I used to read threads over at reddit r/SuicideWatch about collage kids threatening to end it all because they think they failed finals. Failure is a man mad concept. Never seen a bird fail. Never seen a dog fail. Just people. An individual will never have their voice heard in an enormous crowd. An individual will never feel like a part of a community when they're just another grain of sand in the ocean.


I don't know how much you guys have read up on Buddhism, but if you have the time, I'd suggest giving it a look. I'm not religious nor am I a Buddhist, however, it would be the the only religion I'd care to be a part of. The very first Buddha was a wealthy successful man, then one day he gave it all a way to live as a monk. The idea was that you can never better yourself while being hung up about superficial pointless things constantly holding you back. Right now, a lot of the people in this 30s section are closer to being solitary monk then what society claims you should be at this point; and, if you really ask yourself if you've grown or benefited from you're 'miserable situation', you'd realize you have. 'Normal' people have a routine. They have worries and struggles and little time for anything else because most their time is filled. Work. School. Kids. Spouse. Family. You on the other hand had time to think much more. More time to figure out who you are. More time to think about a wise range of subject that they haven't. In Buddhism, meditation is part the path to enlightenment. People's description of what 'meditation' actually is vary. Some think its just clearing your mind of all thoughts and that's that. But, the first Buddha had a goal in mind when he sat under the Bodhi tree and meditated and you can't achieve a goal by thinking about nothing. I think meditation is clearing your mind to view the world through a different sort of eye (mind). They say Einstein came up with all of his theories just by sitting in his favorite chair and thinking alone in a room. It always sounded kind of similar to the story of Buddha sitting under the try to reach a goal. They were both thinking. Are we Buddha or Einstein? No. But, we're closer to them than we realize. I'd bet every single SA awkward jobless person on these forums with no 'life' thinks an enormous amount of the time because we have an enormous amount of time to fill every day. It has made you a better person, trust me. There is no single path in life for everyone and you have to be grateful for what you have and recognize that despite how terrible it may seem, there are silver linings. 


One last thing I'd like to get out there.... I watched a documentary years ago, don't remember what it was about, but it had to do with this person that was afflicted with a horrible disease that made life in society 100x harder. They asked the same thing everyone unfairly afflicted with a crappy deal asks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?". Anyway, one of this person's family members said something that struck a cord with me, "God gave you this burden because he knew you were the only one strong enough to carry it." Now, I don't believe in God... but what if life worked like an assembly line in a factory and 'God' was the only employ piecing together parts to make new lives? But, he has no say over the state or quality of the parts he has to use... they just show up at the factory and he HAS to use them. No waste. A 'God' would know better than anyone who could shoulder the burden right? Or maybe it's just Fate. Either way, I often times wonder how long someone would have lasted if we switched places.... and I think most would have taken their lives years ago if they had to be me. 
Jonathan Brandis had an incredible rich life and bright future... suicide. Kurt Cobain was a hugely successful rich musician with money and family... suicide. Robin Williams is beloved across the whole planet and had it all... suicide. Kids being bullied at school that commit suicide. Recently broken up relationship... suicide. It doesn't seem to take much for normal people to break and yet here I am and here we are. Laugh all you want but, I think we're the strongest people walking the planet. Who else could still be going after 10+ years of this hell? Not many I'd wager. Tt's a bit like unsung heroes never getting credit for saving the world because no one knows who they are or what they do. For us it's people insulting and labeling us losers.... but those same people would snap like twigs in a gentle breeze if they were us. Most can't stomach being alone for longer than a few days. 



So, if you want to have a positive happy life, you have to be positive. Be hopeful. Know it will happen. Cast away all the bull**** rules and goals society has trained you to care about because they are responsible for making you and clearly hundreds of millions of other according to Google miserable. Don't get a job because you need money. Find a job because you want to meet new people. Make your reasons selfishly yours... not theirs. Forge your own life by walking your own path because it's not the destination that makes us who we all are, it's the journey. We're the Mr Rogers generation, and he always said being different is what makes people special. He never once said being all the same ("Normal") was. Abnormal people have to exist for normal to exist just as night needs day and dark needs light. 


I still feel like I'm in my early 20s because that's where in the 'race' I would be. It could be worse... I could feel like I'm in my 30s. Hohoho! Also, I just noticed this thread was made in 2013. Well... still posting. Maybe it will help make someone feel a little better today. n_n


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## minimized

I wonder how it turned out for the permanently banned.

I'm 28 now... pretty much the same. It's not like I have anything to live for. It's not like being different makes me feel better.

And I watched Mr. Rogers. It only makes me depressed if I see it now.


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## Autumn Genevieve

jook said:


> *FENREN* just give up - give up all the expectations and ideas you have about what your life (or you) should be. Give up the idea that you have to meet a certain standard to get the job, the girl, or your own self-approval. Give it all up. Give up externally imposed definitions of what makes you valuable and your life worthwhile and begin to construct your own definitions.
> 
> I found myself in the same place you're in about five years ago. I just didn't see the point in trying and trying and nothing changing. So I stopped trying to measure up to this ideal in my head and accepted what was. I stopped measuring myself according to other people and their "accomplishments." I realized that a kind word could be worth more than a million dollar home because that word might be the one that saved someone's life, and that I could be the one to deliver that word. I realized that I could be my own hero by living a life that has significance to me and may not mean much at all to the world at large.
> 
> Instead of beating myself up and being depressed about not having a prestigious job, I took one that was way beneath my abilities because I could do it without much anxiety. But within that job I defined my own idea of success by really pouring my heart into improving the quality of life of the sick and disabled people I worked with, and thereby deeming myself "accomplished."
> 
> When you hit rock bottom and you're at ground zero, that is the perfect place to rebuild, to reconstruct. Now that you have lost faith with what "the world" has defined as achievement you are in a place pregnant with possibilities where you can redraw the lines, reset the boundaries and write the rules for your own kingdom. I hope you will see your present state as an opportunity to begin to live YOUR life.


I know this is old but this was so great. Thanks for this! Beautifully said.


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## imuy99

Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


This is the exact same type of thing my ex said before he dumped me. (Who dumps their girlfriend at 7 AM in the morning??) I wasn't even sure what was going on in my sleep induced haze.
Oh, he was dumping me and I had a mere 10 minutes to justify why we shouldn't breakup before he had to leave for work.
;_; and when i couldn't even come up with any words after essentially being slapped in the face...quite a rude awakening...I was told to write it down and he'd review it.
(What am I, on parole??)

Well, now who am I going to rely on to fix my sink/lift the heavy mattress or get things from the top of the cabinets??


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## UnusualSuspect

lol did OP commit suicide or something? I know you can't talk about it on this forum, maybe that's why he got perma banned...because he talked about his ideations...and then went through with them. 
RIP OP...literally :haha


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## UnusualSuspect

Just to make it clear though, I'm not making fun of suicide itself (what am I, some kind of monster?). Just the absurdity of the situation.


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## Hyperkid

PasstheCarbs said:


> I've come to accept that I only feel like a loser waste of life because me and everyone else were indoctrinated since birth into an unhealthy way of thinking because it benefits society to create as many wealthy consumers as possible. It benefits a country's economy and government but not so much the individual. The idea of kicking kids of of the house at 18 is absurd. The idea that a kid fresh out of high school can afford a $100,000+ degree is equally insane. The amount of work people like us would have to do to 'make it' is beyond ridiculous. Work 3 jobs. Take classes at night. Don't sleep. Live a nightmare for years hoping it will lead to a comfy well paying job with benefits and stability doing something you can tolerate. The stupid idea that life is a race/competition with your peers to earn the most money. That idiotic first question new people always ask you "So what do you do" so they can sum up your worth as a person by your job. It all combines to warp and twist what the real meaning of life is. What real happiness is. What real satisfaction and fulfillment is. It's the worst part about living in a growing capitalist country. People mock and make fun of you if you still live at home at 24. They throw hurtful insults about what a loser you are if you're a virgin living with your parents at 25+. Basement dwelling neckbeard losers. Human cruelty at it's finest. Meanwhile, most the rest of the world believes the opposite. People scoff where I live at the idea of generational homes where families are closer and help each other. My Mom talks to her Mom maybe 4 times a year. My brothers come around to visit maybe 6 times a year. I talk to my parent's everyday. I finally know who they are because I live with them as an adult. Why is that a bad thing?
> 
> So, you have to struggle to break from the wrong train of thought you were brainwashed into believing, which is pretty hard. I've been hearing and witnessing for years that positive optimistic people are prone to being more accepted and successful. It's like a snowball effect. If you're in a good state of mind and mood, it kind of radiates out into the world and good things happen. Like how they say luck isn't real and people that are lucky make their own luck. On the other side of the spectrum, being in a dark sad state just makes things nearly impossible and more bad things just keep happening to you if your miserable.
> 
> If you do a google search for "I hate my life", you get 180,000,000 hits in 0.33 seconds. "I hate my job" kicks back 225,000,000 in 0.44 seconds. Read a few of these people's sad posts and how many NEED mind altering drugs just to survive another day in their miserable lives desperate for some sort of relief and you kinda come to the conclusion that maybe nothing is wrong with you or these billions of people, but something is with the world as a whole.
> Modern society is fairly new for us humans. For most of our history, we lived in small communities just like other mammals do. I honestly don't think a lot of people are ready to live in huge cities of 200k+ people let alone 2+ million. The only other life forms that do are insects and microscopic critters with tiny little brains. Then all the rules and goals placed by modern society to make people 'succeed'. It all creates a huge amount of stress and anxiety. I used to read threads over at reddit r/SuicideWatch about collage kids threatening to end it all because they think they failed finals. Failure is a man mad concept. Never seen a bird fail. Never seen a dog fail. Just people. An individual will never have their voice heard in an enormous crowd. An individual will never feel like a part of a community when they're just another grain of sand in the ocean.
> 
> I don't know how much you guys have read up on Buddhism, but if you have the time, I'd suggest giving it a look. I'm not religious nor am I a Buddhist, however, it would be the the only religion I'd care to be a part of. The very first Buddha was a wealthy successful man, then one day he gave it all a way to live as a monk. The idea was that you can never better yourself while being hung up about superficial pointless things constantly holding you back. Right now, a lot of the people in this 30s section are closer to being solitary monk then what society claims you should be at this point; and, if you really ask yourself if you've grown or benefited from you're 'miserable situation', you'd realize you have. 'Normal' people have a routine. They have worries and struggles and little time for anything else because most their time is filled. Work. School. Kids. Spouse. Family. You on the other hand had time to think much more. More time to figure out who you are. More time to think about a wise range of subject that they haven't. In Buddhism, meditation is part the path to enlightenment. People's description of what 'meditation' actually is vary. Some think its just clearing your mind of all thoughts and that's that. But, the first Buddha had a goal in mind when he sat under the Bodhi tree and meditated and you can't achieve a goal by thinking about nothing. I think meditation is clearing your mind to view the world through a different sort of eye (mind). They say Einstein came up with all of his theories just by sitting in his favorite chair and thinking alone in a room. It always sounded kind of similar to the story of Buddha sitting under the try to reach a goal. They were both thinking. Are we Buddha or Einstein? No. But, we're closer to them than we realize. I'd bet every single SA awkward jobless person on these forums with no 'life' thinks an enormous amount of the time because we have an enormous amount of time to fill every day. It has made you a better person, trust me. There is no single path in life for everyone and you have to be grateful for what you have and recognize that despite how terrible it may seem, there are silver linings.
> 
> One last thing I'd like to get out there.... I watched a documentary years ago, don't remember what it was about, but it had to do with this person that was afflicted with a horrible disease that made life in society 100x harder. They asked the same thing everyone unfairly afflicted with a crappy deal asks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?". Anyway, one of this person's family members said something that struck a cord with me, "God gave you this burden because he knew you were the only one strong enough to carry it." Now, I don't believe in God... but what if life worked like an assembly line in a factory and 'God' was the only employ piecing together parts to make new lives? But, he has no say over the state or quality of the parts he has to use... they just show up at the factory and he HAS to use them. No waste. A 'God' would know better than anyone who could shoulder the burden right? Or maybe it's just Fate. Either way, I often times wonder how long someone would have lasted if we switched places.... and I think most would have taken their lives years ago if they had to be me.
> Jonathan Brandis had an incredible rich life and bright future... suicide. Kurt Cobain was a hugely successful rich musician with money and family... suicide. Robin Williams is beloved across the whole planet and had it all... suicide. Kids being bullied at school that commit suicide. Recently broken up relationship... suicide. It doesn't seem to take much for normal people to break and yet here I am and here we are. Laugh all you want but, I think we're the strongest people walking the planet. Who else could still be going after 10+ years of this hell? Not many I'd wager. Tt's a bit like unsung heroes never getting credit for saving the world because no one knows who they are or what they do. For us it's people insulting and labeling us losers.... but those same people would snap like twigs in a gentle breeze if they were us. Most can't stomach being alone for longer than a few days.
> 
> So, if you want to have a positive happy life, you have to be positive. Be hopeful. Know it will happen. Cast away all the bull**** rules and goals society has trained you to care about because they are responsible for making you and clearly hundreds of millions of other according to Google miserable. Don't get a job because you need money. Find a job because you want to meet new people. Make your reasons selfishly yours... not theirs. Forge your own life by walking your own path because it's not the destination that makes us who we all are, it's the journey. We're the Mr Rogers generation, and he always said being different is what makes people special. He never once said being all the same ("Normal") was. Abnormal people have to exist for normal to exist just as night needs day and dark needs light.
> 
> I still feel like I'm in my early 20s because that's where in the 'race' I would be. It could be worse... I could feel like I'm in my 30s. Hohoho! Also, I just noticed this thread was made in 2013. Well... still posting. Maybe it will help make someone feel a little better today. n_n


I normally dont read long posts but i liked this one


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## Shawn81

Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


Thanks for this post. I can relate to way too much of it. My depression and anxiety are bad, but not as bad as they were through my 20's and early 30's. I'm at least "functional" now. The damn loneliness is what kills me.

Nothing that used to be fun is anywhere near as fun anymore, and nothing new comes along that makes me feel good. I just watch the days go by. Nothing ever changes. I don't want a career. I don't want kids. I don't want anything I used to want. I'm just waiting to die.

I have my own house now. A nice truck that's paid off. I'm still not happy. I'm in a more comfortable situation that having to stay with family and not being capable of leaving my room, but I'm still not happy. No one has been in my house in a year and a half, and that was just a family member stopping by.

I'm sitting here with nothing to do. I'll play a game for a while. Doesn't make me as happy as it used to. I'll go lay in bed and stream some tv shows for a while. Doesn't make me as happy as it used to. I have no one to talk to. I message back and forth with two great people from here, usually just a short note once a day. That's it. No one really cares I exist, day after day. No one to give any love or affection to, or receive it from, and too anxious, depressed, and shy and awkward to do anything about it, so I'll just sit here thinking about it and making myself feel worse. Of course everyone loves to give generic positive support - because they don't know what else to say - and tell you how it will change in time. Same thing they were telling me 15 years ago when I was 20. Same thing they'll be saying in 15 years when I'm 50.

I became disabled by anxiety when I was about 22. I stopped aging mentally at that point. I'm a kid stuck in the body of what's supposed to be an adult, and my mind doesn't care about anything my body is supposed to care about.

My life has been such a waste of time, and it just doesn't look like it will ever change.


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## ilsr

I'm not in the same situation, but very much the same feelings. My life has just been a waste.


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## InFlames

Im in a huge depression and I do nothing all day. TV, movies, video games, worthless to me. The only thin I do is try to read self help books. And research for hours things I can't talk about on her. It's so nice once the fear is gone.


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## hunterm1

Shawn81 said:


> Thanks for this post. I can relate to way too much of it. My depression and anxiety are bad, but not as bad as they were through my 20's and early 30's. I'm at least "functional" now. The damn loneliness is what kills me.
> 
> Nothing that used to be fun is anywhere near as fun anymore, and nothing new comes along that makes me feel good. I just watch the days go by. Nothing ever changes. I don't want a career. I don't want kids. I don't want anything I used to want. I'm just waiting to die.
> 
> I have my own house now. A nice truck that's paid off. I'm still not happy. I'm in a more comfortable situation that having to stay with family and not being capable of leaving my room, but I'm still not happy. No one has been in my house in a year and a half, and that was just a family member stopping by.
> 
> I'm sitting here with nothing to do. I'll play a game for a while. Doesn't make me as happy as it used to. I'll go lay in bed and stream some tv shows for a while. Doesn't make me as happy as it used to. I have no one to talk to. I message back and forth with two great people from here, usually just a short note once a day. That's it. No one really cares I exist, day after day. No one to give any love or affection to, or receive it from, and too anxious, depressed, and shy and awkward to do anything about it, so I'll just sit here thinking about it and making myself feel worse. Of course everyone loves to give generic positive support - because they don't know what else to say - and tell you how it will change in time. Same thing they were telling me 15 years ago when I was 20. Same thing they'll be saying in 15 years when I'm 50.
> 
> I became disabled by anxiety when I was about 22. I stopped aging mentally at that point. I'm a kid stuck in the body of what's supposed to be an adult, and my mind doesn't care about anything my body is supposed to care about.
> 
> My life has been such a waste of time, and it just doesn't look like it will ever change.


I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you manage to get a house and a truck paid off if you were disabled by anxiety in your 20s and 30s?


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## Shawn81

hunterm1 said:


> I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you manage to get a house and a truck paid off if you were disabled by anxiety in your 20s and 30s?


I eventually had to apply for SSDI when I couldn't work anymore, and eventually couldn't even walk.

The truck was bought used. It was actually bought with a little money from a family member dying.

The house is not paid off. I just got a mortgage. I negotiated my closing costs be covered by the seller, so I didn't need to put anything down other than the title and a few other minor fees.


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## hunterm1

Shawn81 said:


> I eventually had to apply for SSDI when I couldn't work anymore, and eventually couldn't even walk.
> 
> The truck was bought used. It was actually bought with a little money from a family member dying.
> 
> The house is not paid off. I just got a mortgage. I negotiated my closing costs be covered by the seller, so I didn't need to put anything down other than the title and a few other minor fees.


Oh right. Here in the UK we could never get a mortgage on benifits, sadly.


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## Shawn81

hunterm1 said:


> Oh right. Here in the UK we could never get a mortgage on benifits, sadly.


It took me almost 10 years to fix my credit to the point that I could. It seemed like a good idea to start working on it at the time "just in case", and it hindsight, I have no idea where I'd be if I hadn't. Not in my own place, that's for sure. Maybe throwing money away every month in rent again and never getting my head above water.


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## hunterm1

Shawn81 said:


> It took me almost 10 years to fix my credit to the point that I could. It seemed like a good idea to start working on it at the time "just in case", and it hindsight, I have no idea where I'd be if I hadn't. Not in my own place, that's for sure. Maybe throwing money away every month in rent again and never getting my head above water.


Oh cool, well at least you have a place of your own now. Here in the UK they basically consider your income if you want a mortage, plus around 20% deposit. Meh. I'll cross that road when I start a career.


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## Shawn81

hunterm1 said:


> Oh cool, well at least you have a place of your own now. Here in the UK they basically consider your income if you want a mortage, plus around 20% deposit. Meh. I'll cross that road when I start a career.


I wasn't always unable to work. I used to work insane hours and have paid a fortune in taxes, which I think is taken into consideration when they determine how much you get in benefits, so my benefits are higher than most. So it really helped out in getting my own place.


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## singlet

Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


This is kind of how I'm getting. I don't belong in this world.


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## duckie

PasstheCarbs said:


> I've come to accept that I only feel like a loser waste of life because me and everyone else were indoctrinated since birth into an unhealthy way of thinking because it benefits society to create as many wealthy consumers as possible. It benefits a country's economy and government but not so much the individual. The idea of kicking kids of of the house at 18 is absurd. The idea that a kid fresh out of high school can afford a $100,000+ degree is equally insane. The amount of work people like us would have to do to 'make it' is beyond ridiculous. Work 3 jobs. Take classes at night. Don't sleep. Live a nightmare for years hoping it will lead to a comfy well paying job with benefits and stability doing something you can tolerate. The stupid idea that life is a race/competition with your peers to earn the most money. That idiotic first question new people always ask you "So what do you do" so they can sum up your worth as a person by your job. It all combines to warp and twist what the real meaning of life is. What real happiness is. What real satisfaction and fulfillment is. It's the worst part about living in a growing capitalist country. People mock and make fun of you if you still live at home at 24. They throw hurtful insults about what a loser you are if you're a virgin living with your parents at 25+. Basement dwelling neckbeard losers. Human cruelty at it's finest. Meanwhile, most the rest of the world believes the opposite. People scoff where I live at the idea of generational homes where families are closer and help each other. My Mom talks to her Mom maybe 4 times a year. My brothers come around to visit maybe 6 times a year. I talk to my parent's everyday. I finally know who they are because I live with them as an adult. Why is that a bad thing?
> 
> So, you have to struggle to break from the wrong train of thought you were brainwashed into believing, which is pretty hard. I've been hearing and witnessing for years that positive optimistic people are prone to being more accepted and successful. It's like a snowball effect. If you're in a good state of mind and mood, it kind of radiates out into the world and good things happen. Like how they say luck isn't real and people that are lucky make their own luck. On the other side of the spectrum, being in a dark sad state just makes things nearly impossible and more bad things just keep happening to you if your miserable.
> 
> If you do a google search for "I hate my life", you get 180,000,000 hits in 0.33 seconds. "I hate my job" kicks back 225,000,000 in 0.44 seconds. Read a few of these people's sad posts and how many NEED mind altering drugs just to survive another day in their miserable lives desperate for some sort of relief and you kinda come to the conclusion that maybe nothing is wrong with you or these billions of people, but something is with the world as a whole.
> Modern society is fairly new for us humans. For most of our history, we lived in small communities just like other mammals do. I honestly don't think a lot of people are ready to live in huge cities of 200k+ people let alone 2+ million. The only other life forms that do are insects and microscopic critters with tiny little brains. Then all the rules and goals placed by modern society to make people 'succeed'. It all creates a huge amount of stress and anxiety. I used to read threads over at reddit r/SuicideWatch about collage kids threatening to end it all because they think they failed finals. Failure is a man mad concept. Never seen a bird fail. Never seen a dog fail. Just people. An individual will never have their voice heard in an enormous crowd. An individual will never feel like a part of a community when they're just another grain of sand in the ocean.
> 
> I don't know how much you guys have read up on Buddhism, but if you have the time, I'd suggest giving it a look. I'm not religious nor am I a Buddhist, however, it would be the the only religion I'd care to be a part of. The very first Buddha was a wealthy successful man, then one day he gave it all a way to live as a monk. The idea was that you can never better yourself while being hung up about superficial pointless things constantly holding you back. Right now, a lot of the people in this 30s section are closer to being solitary monk then what society claims you should be at this point; and, if you really ask yourself if you've grown or benefited from you're 'miserable situation', you'd realize you have. 'Normal' people have a routine. They have worries and struggles and little time for anything else because most their time is filled. Work. School. Kids. Spouse. Family. You on the other hand had time to think much more. More time to figure out who you are. More time to think about a wise range of subject that they haven't. In Buddhism, meditation is part the path to enlightenment. People's description of what 'meditation' actually is vary. Some think its just clearing your mind of all thoughts and that's that. But, the first Buddha had a goal in mind when he sat under the Bodhi tree and meditated and you can't achieve a goal by thinking about nothing. I think meditation is clearing your mind to view the world through a different sort of eye (mind). They say Einstein came up with all of his theories just by sitting in his favorite chair and thinking alone in a room. It always sounded kind of similar to the story of Buddha sitting under the try to reach a goal. They were both thinking. Are we Buddha or Einstein? No. But, we're closer to them than we realize. I'd bet every single SA awkward jobless person on these forums with no 'life' thinks an enormous amount of the time because we have an enormous amount of time to fill every day. It has made you a better person, trust me. There is no single path in life for everyone and you have to be grateful for what you have and recognize that despite how terrible it may seem, there are silver linings.
> 
> One last thing I'd like to get out there.... I watched a documentary years ago, don't remember what it was about, but it had to do with this person that was afflicted with a horrible disease that made life in society 100x harder. They asked the same thing everyone unfairly afflicted with a crappy deal asks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?". Anyway, one of this person's family members said something that struck a cord with me, "God gave you this burden because he knew you were the only one strong enough to carry it." Now, I don't believe in God... but what if life worked like an assembly line in a factory and 'God' was the only employ piecing together parts to make new lives? But, he has no say over the state or quality of the parts he has to use... they just show up at the factory and he HAS to use them. No waste. A 'God' would know better than anyone who could shoulder the burden right? Or maybe it's just Fate. Either way, I often times wonder how long someone would have lasted if we switched places.... and I think most would have taken their lives years ago if they had to be me.
> Jonathan Brandis had an incredible rich life and bright future... suicide. Kurt Cobain was a hugely successful rich musician with money and family... suicide. Robin Williams is beloved across the whole planet and had it all... suicide. Kids being bullied at school that commit suicide. Recently broken up relationship... suicide. It doesn't seem to take much for normal people to break and yet here I am and here we are. Laugh all you want but, I think we're the strongest people walking the planet. Who else could still be going after 10+ years of this hell? Not many I'd wager. Tt's a bit like unsung heroes never getting credit for saving the world because no one knows who they are or what they do. For us it's people insulting and labeling us losers.... but those same people would snap like twigs in a gentle breeze if they were us. Most can't stomach being alone for longer than a few days.
> 
> So, if you want to have a positive happy life, you have to be positive. Be hopeful. Know it will happen. Cast away all the bull**** rules and goals society has trained you to care about because they are responsible for making you and clearly hundreds of millions of other according to Google miserable. Don't get a job because you need money. Find a job because you want to meet new people. Make your reasons selfishly yours... not theirs. Forge your own life by walking your own path because it's not the destination that makes us who we all are, it's the journey. We're the Mr Rogers generation, and he always said being different is what makes people special. He never once said being all the same ("Normal") was. Abnormal people have to exist for normal to exist just as night needs day and dark needs light.
> 
> I still feel like I'm in my early 20s because that's where in the 'race' I would be. It could be worse... I could feel like I'm in my 30s. Hohoho! Also, I just noticed this thread was made in 2013. Well... still posting. Maybe it will help make someone feel a little better today. n_n


What a brillant post. As another member mentioned.. I don't read long posts either but these words rung true and i couldn't stop reading.


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## stewartmays1

i can relate to the op but feeling sorry for yourself all the time wont cut it im the worst for doing that but like i say life will just crush you just gotta make the best of it all i guess


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## illestin901

Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


I still have some interest, though that may be different if I was in my 30s or beyond and in my situation. I can't progress without money and it's pissing me off so much. I need money to get on a course and I need money to improve my aesthetics. Thanks to this stupid country it's difficult to even get a job, so I spend most days making no progress. I agree with you I'm fed up of being in this situation and I'm losing motivation whilst others get things handed on a plate.


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## the misanthrope

I am completely drowning in apathy, I am tired of life, I have been for many years


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## pauliusdaone

Another long term isolated here.


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## zork20001

Does your guys troubles stem from not being independent? That was always the only real thing I needed and would also hate myself if I was not able to get it.


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## igguyygyu

Same.


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## NoCombovers

Fenren said:


> I don't even feel as depressed as I used to either, I just don't see the point. It's all BS to me what society expects, improving yourself to be deemed dateable or outright lying to get anything started. Getting qualified for a job that may not even go anywhere.
> 
> I am just watching it all play out as a spectator now, watching other people live their lives.
> Living a life I could never have, watching time fly by, year after year. Things won't get better now for me, nearly 40 and I can relate more to what the damn 19 year olds say on here!
> 
> I feel sick of what I have become, I always thought I could turn things around if I really tried. I am just not capable, in a way I gave up on myself at around 28 when things weren't working out when I tried. It's like everyone else gave up around the same time on me also, all the missed chances of any experiences with the opposite sex are left in the 1990s and early 2000s. Any career I could have had, any life at all.
> 
> I have no idea where to go from here, my anxiety isn't as intense as it was in my teens and 20s. But what do I have to show for my life? How can I get the things I still desire, that my body and mind desires and can't have? I am no use to anyone, why do I even bother coming on this forum to feel worse about being as I am still at this age? I think it's time to go.


I felt similarly for over 35 years.

What you have written above is probably because you are focusing on the wrong things and also, how you see various things greatly affects your perception of them.

You have also chosen, albeit unknowingly, to believe in certain thoughts as being true, when they are not true and they cannot ever be true. Once you realize they are not true, your suffering will lessen and perhaps stop.


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## twitchy666

*Yaaah!*

we're all the same!

lookout for luck

I liked articles about respecting a person for what they can do. I see my fate stuck with no current occupation now = never anyone interested in letting me practice what I've done, again...

woman take interest in me...

many losses

many recoverable! 
there's a threshold. hope some majik. less judgement, not passed over, ignored... patience & respect.

I have dropped my aggressive guard reaction towards authority a bit

outlook

I'm fresh to go. less despondency


----------

