# Parents...are they to blame?



## UnusualSuspect (Feb 24, 2014)

Let's face it, if we ignore the genetic influences on anxiety / mental health and look at the other factors, there is nobody else you can possibly blame but your parents. As we develop during our childhood, one cannot possibly expect a child to have the foresight and judgement to see how their lifestyle, behavior, external influences, or whatever, will affect them in their future. Kids can't tell if they're on the right trajectory or even care, which is why they need third party intervention. Parents are the ones who should know best and aid us in moving in the right direction as we grow up. Parents are responsible for making sure their child develops properly and is moving in the direction of becoming a fully functioning adult. I think if my parents really sat down and worked with me as a child and reached out to me when they could see I'm not normal and need help, my life would have been a lot better now. Not to say that it's not good as it is, but in terms of my mental health and socialization, I would be much better off if they saved me. Yeah, they took me to psychiatrist and what not, but that's about it, and that itself is almost like saying 'I don't feel like doing the work, let me delegate it to some psychiatrist.' 
Do you agree? If you think the world 'blame' is too aggressive or hostile, let's use the word 'attribute'.


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## CompO (Apr 30, 2014)

*Absolutely.*

Please note this is my *Opinion*. Thank you. 
Hell, I've barely met my parents before I was 12. We lived in a town 50km away from Moscow and they left at around 6am before I woke up and came back around 10pm. That meant that I saw them for about 15 minutes every week day. *15 minutes*. On weekends they went shopping for grocieries and all other stuff, so that wasn't a time I talked to them. Now that I actually think about it, I barely had any parenting. I was raised by my grandmother since I was 4. How much can a 55 year old woman do for a child? Now that I think about it, I can't thank her enough for trying. she already raised my mom and couldn't adjust to the new technology age, so I spent literally most of my life playing videogames. I understand that it wasn't possible to live any other way because of the lack of jobs, but I still blame them for making the decision to have a child. Yes, contrary to most russian people today, they made a concious decision to have a child. I know, who would want to have a child in RUSSIA? Crazy right? :sus
Since we have moved to the U.S. They work regular 9 to 5. But now they're no help. I sit in my own room, they sit in th other room. I could argue I know my friends better than my parents. They are nice people, but they don't know ****. They think that the fact that they dumped their child in a country with supposed better opportunities makes them good parents. So yes, I blame my parents 1.for the decision of having a kid. 2.for virtuall absence of them in my life. 3. For their lack of effort to understand anything I say or ask. Yes, I hate my parents and I'm moving as soon as I can. I barely feel any connection to them. Hell I love my cat more.


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## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

I don't believe in blame since I think that every decision is predetermined, but yeah, whoever says that parents/guardians are not a decisive influence in the future of their child, including adulthood, is massively deluded.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

Your parents can really mess you up but once you're in charge of your own life it's time to move on. Dwelling on the errors of your parents isn't going to help your life. Unless we're talking about making progress in therapy, but even with that, once you come to terms with the issues you have and how and why they're related to your parents, you can work to get past them.


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## kageri (Oct 2, 2014)

Sometimes watching reality tv shows I see a parent doing something and just want to scream in frustration about how my parents couldn't take that little bit of time to help in some small way. They were all worthless. Biological parents, step-parents, any aunts and uncles... just no help at all, always negative, my stepfather could be called verbally abusive... I was alone and when I lost my friends in junior high I was truly, utterly alone. Alone was actually the best thing I hoped for. It was the best outcome of my day to not be interacted with. I did things between 6 pm and 4 am because that was the time my stepdad was asleep and I was unlikely to run in to other people too often before they went to bed.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

I agree with you entirely about children not being responsible, its an impossibility and yes, the parents are (by and large) the major determinants (aside from genetics) as to how a child will end up.

The problem I have here though is the blame part  - if you decide to blame the parents, then you are giving them the entire responsibility for any parental failures that might have occurred. There are significant problems with this viewpoint:

1)They are the products of their own parents. If you are passing full responsibility (genetics aside) onto your parents, you must also do so onto their parents, and so on backwards throughout time, ultimately making nobody responsible 

2)This blame assumes perfect knowledge and information. Yes, your parents might have done things which screwed you up, or made you worse (mine most certainly did) but they were _probably_ trying to do their best (parents as a rule tend to do so), as much as they were _able_. A parent usually won't have knowledge of mental health issues in children, they can't be expected to. Very few people actually understand mental health problems. When I look back now, the symptoms of anxiety in me appear obvious, even as early as 5-6 years old, but my parents didn't spot it. Neither did my teachers, or any adult I knew. You are looking now from a position of greater knowledge than they had when they raised you.

The problem with blame is that in order to fully blame someone they have to be fully responsible. To be _fully_ responsible you pretty much have to be free of the deterministic chain of events. i.e. there are always events which precede events and no person can ever be free of them, so blame cannot ever be attributed to one individual.

To fully blame someone then, that person essentially has to have the powers of god.

So I guess I half agree with you. The person who is _least_ to blame is the person suffering from the mental health problem. This problem is a result of their genetics and their environment. Neither of which they chose. To blame them is to assume they are gods in their own minds (which is absurd).

I disagree though, for similar reasons that the parents are to blame. They certainly may have been a significant factor in either causing, or not preventing the problems, but I don't think that necessitates them being to blame.

I am kinda drunk atm, so hopefully this makes some sense


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## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

gopherinferno said:


> Your parents can really mess you up *but once you're in charge of your own life it's time to move on. Dwelling on the errors of your parents isn't going to help your life*. Unless we're talking about making progress in therapy, but even with that, once you come to terms with the issues you have and how and why they're related to your parents, you can work to get past them.


This sooo much...

yah they may be the sourse of your anxiety.but its not gonna fix or make things better.. instead of finding who to blame.. we should put all our energy into changing...and fighting SA

but I guess its easier to place blame : I


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## Envectus (Apr 3, 2015)

AwkwardUglyWeirdo said:


> Let's face it, if we ignore the genetic influences on anxiety / mental health and look at the other factors, there is nobody else you can possibly blame but your parents. As we develop during our childhood, one cannot possibly expect a child to have the foresight and judgement to see how their lifestyle, behavior, external influences, or whatever, will affect them in their future. Kids can't tell if they're on the right trajectory or even care, which is why they need third party intervention. Parents are the ones who should know best and aid us in moving in the right direction as we grow up. Parents are responsible for making sure their child develops properly and is moving in the direction of becoming a fully functioning adult. I think if my parents really sat down and worked with me as a child and reached out to me when they could see I'm not normal and need help, my life would have been a lot better now. Not to say that it's not good as it is, but in terms of my mental health and socialization, I would be much better off if they saved me. Yeah, they took me to psychiatrist and what not, but that's about it, and that itself is almost like saying 'I don't feel like doing the work, let me delegate it to some psychiatrist.'
> Do you agree? If you think the world 'blame' is too aggressive or hostile, let's use the word 'attribute'.


If blaming will change something, it worth a try. But it wont....
And trust me parents have nothing to do with anxiety.
All my family are sociable people specially my brother he get the hottest and richest girls always, but I sit in front of the pc all day and night.

It's not parents fault it's ours, but how to fix it ? Here the problem.


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## thisismeyo (Feb 15, 2013)

They have a huge impact and the environment you were brought up in has a huge impact but at some point, its useless to point fingers cause you are the way you are and the only thing you can do is focus on changing. The past won't change.

If it is the parents fault, then they could blame their parents, and their parents could blame their parents and so on.


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## wrongguy (Jan 22, 2015)

Yeah mine did some pretty messed up stuff with me. They didn't really try to change any of their destructive behaviors. It would be irrational to say they didn't play a big role in my mental health issues. Idk if that matters in terms of getting better or how responsible they were for their behavior. Idk how responsible I am for mine. I don't really know crap. Lol


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## HannahG (Aug 31, 2010)

My parents do have some responsibility. My mom was always busy, working full time, taking care of the entire house, driving my siblings to sports, then helping her ill father. Since my dad worked like 16hr days it was all up to my mom. She tried but many times we'd be talking or she would be trying to play with me, or go with me to an art show, she would be practically narcoleptic. Always falling asleep. So it sort of made me feel like I didn't matter enough for her to stay awake? It's stupid, I know it wasn't her fault and I don't blame her, but it is something that stuck with me.

Then my dad - I think he was the biggest factor. He was always trying to get me to be more like my siblings. He was rarely around, never played with me, was super critical, and never encouraged me. Then if I was anxious about something he'd be on me non-stop, as if yelling at me to make more friends would help. So whatever confidence I did have, he seemed to tear away.

With that said, as adults we have some responsibility now. I mean, I've tried to get help but nothing seems to work for my SA. Certain situations still cause me to get an anxiety attack and freeze in terror but we have to at least try to get better. And with that said, it is very difficult when psychologists don't even fully understand how one with anxiety feels and if they think it's just as my old psychologist said "feeling a bit anxious". They don't get it... 

So yeah, I don't think it's just one person but I think we need to remember that living with our parents is at least 18 years of their influence on us. How they speak to us, react to us, teach us and love us... So 18 years or so is a huge part of our histories so it definitely would effect our conditions whether it was to make them worse or learn how to deal with them...if our parents are good at talking to us and getting help for us then maybe our SA wouldn't be so bad. But being overly critical could just make it worse.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

My mom destroyed me. She still does today.


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## something there (Feb 24, 2014)

I'm certain that what they've done was done entirely with their best intentions. That being said, they ****ed me up. And I exist in a state of love and complete resentment of them. Though they may have thought what they were doing was right, they hurt me and took advantage of me. I have no idea how much is their fault, and how much is mine for being generally screwed up from the start.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

It's easy to blame others for your failures but it's better to grow from your failures.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

I think the best thing to ask from mom and dad is openness and honesty. Y'all aren't children anymore. It is possible to salvage your relationship with your family with compassion and forgiveness on both sides.

Sometimes things are too compromising to select parties to work anything out. But I wish you luck, gentle reader.


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## Daniel Gray (Apr 16, 2015)

I used to blame my parents too, until I took responsibility for my life.


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## BIB64 (Mar 29, 2015)

Yes, I'm blaming mine. More my Dad than Mother but she didn't/doesn't help. And didn't help today either.. kind of bummed out cus of our conversation on the phone..so yes..I'm blaming her also.


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## WanderAimlessly (Dec 10, 2014)

I find the saying "once you're an adult you're in charge of your own life" to be kind of misguided--it's much easier said than done and often nearly impossible for many people. I mean, all the programming you had as a child is going to affect all aspects of your personality and mind and how you go about things as an adult. You can't just detach yourself from your childhood/formative years and become someone else with no baggage just like that. This is especially true when you don't have the means to move out of your family so their influence continues to grab hold of you.


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## Omgblood (Jun 30, 2010)

Partly, BUT, remember your parents are just conditions of their own environment and upbringing


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## WanderAimlessly (Dec 10, 2014)

Omgblood said:


> Partly, BUT, remember your parents are just conditions of their own environment and upbringing


I dunno, my parents' siblings [i.e. my aunts and uncles] who grew up with them all seem like better parents and some have even expressed criticisms of my parents' so-called 'parenting'. And my cousins all grew up to be normal/successful and have better lives than me.


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## anthropy (Sep 5, 2014)

Yes, as ive said before.
I was never intervened on, or given any sort of medication.
I was never pushed to do anything or succeed.


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## Autumn26 (Aug 1, 2013)

I'm not going to deny that the way my parents brought me up didn't have some impact on how anxious I am now. I was overly sheltered a lot of the time and scared out of going out and socializing. 

But at the same time, what is the point of blaming them now? Can't change what's happened in the past and now that I am an adult, I am responsible for how I live my life and what I go out and do. The only thing to do now is to push myself to be better and not let any bitterness about the past hold me back.


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## green9206 (May 13, 2013)

Yes blaming my parents for ruining my life isn't going to change anything but what else am i supposed to do when i can't even leave my house. I am in absolutely no position to change anything now. Like i said how
the hell am i supposed to change my life when i can't even get out of my damn house? It's just as easy to tell others what to do to change their lives as it is for me to blame my parents.


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## Omgblood (Jun 30, 2010)

Anways my own response to the thread. I have found my dad to be patronizing to me for most my life. He talks to me like I can't even think for myself. I believe it has affected my psyche over time. As of recent I've gotten good at not letting it get to me, but it does piss me immensely when I'm patronized in front of others, especially peers. Like one day the neighbor (who is like my aged) and all his friends were having a campfire in his front yard with his friends, including girls, and my dad patronizes me in front of them. I just keep my interactions with my dad as brief as possible so I don't get agitated. ****ing dad thinks he always knows what's best for me.

I find myself talking down on other people as well sometimes, AND I'm aware of that AND I'm aware I shouldn't do that. I don't want to be like my dad.

But I can't wait to move out and put this all behind me


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