# Selective mutism. What is wrong with me!?



## Charl94 (Aug 22, 2016)

Hi I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place but here goes anyway ..I'm 22 years old and had selective mutism for as long as I can remember. I'm the calmest panicker you'll ever meet. Some of you will know what I mean. I have a poker face but inside I'm screaming, over thinking and ridiculously paranoid that everyone is judging me and laughing behind my back. Truth is, nobody even takes any notice of me. I'm so quiet that they forget I'm there. 
I have problems talking to my family. I have a very large family and I can only talk to about 3 of them. That's excluding mom, dad, brother, sister, nephews and nieces. I find it difficult to talk to someone even when someone else is in the room in case they laugh at me. I'm afraid of being embarrassed and being made to feel so small I just want to die! I hate that. That sets me back again. And I know it's not fair because nobody should have to tiptoe around me! 
I never struggled through school like most with the condition. All I struggled with, was if somebody looked at my work, or saw what I was writing. Which brings it back to being paranoid that everyone's laughing at me, which apparently is an effect of the condition.
Anyway, not long back we had a family party, obviously I couldn't talk, so I stood in my usual spot at my nans house trying not to give eye contact so nobody would talk to me. Then all of a sudden new family who I've never met before walk through the door. They make their way through the front room greeting everyone individually. Inside I'm praying for my mom to come and save me from what's about to happen!(my mom is my voice 99% of the time, I'm lucky to have her) ..so my mom is standing across from me introducing herself to the woman and her children,she tells her who I am, so I'm like omg thank you God! No! She comes to me to introduce herself and to ask who I am, but obviously I froze and just stared at her not saying a word and playing with my clothes out of nervousness because clearly this helps??!! By this time she's looking at me like I'm an alien! Eventually after what seemed to last a lifetime, she made her way through to the kitchen after getting no response from me. I stood for a while trying not cry. In the end I had to run out, my sister called me but I carried on and broke down in the street outside of my nans house whilst more family were arriving. Since that day, I've been to visit my Nan once for fear of this happening again. This was February 28th, we're now on August 22nd. 
I just need some help, advice. I would love to have a family of my own, but I know that introducing them would be an issue, which wouldn't be fair on anyone. I've had a few boyfriends but only once has one of them been introduced to my mom. Wtf is wrong with me?!
As supportive as my mom is, and my dad etc, I'm still to embarrassed to ask them for help.
Anyway, that's just one of my stories, I hope somebody can relate. I hope I've posted in the right place.
I'd like to hear from somebody else if possible, or if I can help you please tell me. Thanks for reading, it's the first time I've told anybody  xx


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## Snowman 23 (Jun 8, 2014)

You've come to the right place  There are many people here who can relate. I don't have quite the same circumstances you do, but I have the same disorder. I've never been diagnosed because I've never been to a psychiatrist in my life, but the first time I read about selective mutism I knew that was what I had. My case is different from yours in that I have no trouble talking to my mom and sister. I have never talked to any of my more distant relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). I absolutely hate going to family events because I have nobody to talk to there and I'm just sitting by myself awkwardly waiting until I can leave. I went through all my school years not talking to people. I generally only spoke to others when they came up to talk to me or when we had to work on projects together, and even then what I said was minimal. I feared talking most of the time because I was afraid what I said would be judged. Occasionally I meet people who make me feel very comfortable and I can talk to them just fine. As for everyone else, I kinda just act like they're not there because I have no idea what to say to them. I've made progress over the years, but it is still obvious that I am the most awkward person at my workplace. Sorry, I can't give advice since I don't talk to most of my family either. If you wanna introduce a boyfriend to your mom, how about just mentioning to her that you're bringing him over on a certain date and having her/him make the introductions when they meet?


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## Charl94 (Aug 22, 2016)

Wow, thanks for sharing. I've never known somebody with the same condition before. It's really hard isn't it! You feel trapped everyday!
I dread going to family events as well for fear of being asked a question! At work, I tend to only speak if I'm spoken to. I feel like if I try and start up a conversation, it's boring and nobody is really interested. So I just don't. Quite sad really :/ 
I am trying to make progress, I've been to the doctors and have been referred to speech therapy and counselling or something?! Obviously I haven't told anyone, I'm embarrassed to say anything!
Thanks again though, you're reply has helped! I'm not alone! 


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Charl94 said:


> Wow, thanks for sharing. I've never known somebody with the same condition before. It's really hard isn't it! You feel trapped everyday!
> I dread going to family events as well for fear of being asked a question! At work, I tend to only speak if I'm spoken to. I feel like if I try and start up a conversation, it's boring and nobody is really interested. So I just don't. Quite sad really :/
> I am trying to make progress, I've been to the doctors and have been referred to speech therapy and counselling or something?! Obviously I haven't told anyone, I'm embarrassed to say anything!
> Thanks again though, you're reply has helped! *I'm not alone!*
> ...


You're definitely not alone. There have been others on here with this condition, not sure if they still come on though.

You mentioned just now that you're going to see a doctor? Have you been to the speech pathologist/counsellor yet? It seems to me that this would definitely be the way to go with this - therapy and talking through ways to approach the problem.

I don't have this issue - but I feel for you enormously. What a terribly hard way to have to grow up - it's like an extreme version of what many of us go through on here, a fear of what everyone is thinking of us only with you it's probably worse.

Just know that you aren't alone with this - and let us know how things go with the counsellor. All the best.


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## Snowman 23 (Jun 8, 2014)

I used to wonder what was wrong with me everyday too, back in my elementary and middle school years when I was at my worst. I was like an actual mute person. One time a classmate asked me if I talk to my mom and dad :O. I never told my family because I was ashamed and didn't want them to think I was f***ed up in the head. To this day they still don't know I have a social disorder; they just think I'm bad at communicating and afraid of outsiders. Although I think my sister believes that I might have a mild form or autism or something. She was telling me how this autistic kid she met at work made huge progress by finally making eye contact with someone. Don't know if she was hinting at something with me.

It's tough. I'm not as afraid as I was before, but I still have a natural inclination to act like most of the people around me aren't there. I never approach anyone unless there's a work reason, or if they sit near me and I feel comfortable around them. I'm also extremely introverted, as in I feel exhausted after any social event. That makes it extra tough to want to approach people, since that's a ton of energy being expelled. Therapy sounds like a great idea. I'm just afraid the therapist might give me 'homework' to approach people and start a conversation. I hope it goes well for you. :smile2: It definitely would be helpful to unload your problems on a stranger who's there to listen.



Charl94 said:


> Wow, thanks for sharing. I've never known somebody with the same condition before. It's really hard isn't it! You feel trapped everyday!
> I dread going to family events as well for fear of being asked a question! At work, I tend to only speak if I'm spoken to. I feel like if I try and start up a conversation, it's boring and nobody is really interested. So I just don't. Quite sad really :/
> I am trying to make progress, I've been to the doctors and have been referred to speech therapy and counselling or something?! Obviously I haven't told anyone, I'm embarrassed to say anything!
> Thanks again though, you're reply has helped! I'm not alone!
> ...


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## Charl94 (Aug 22, 2016)

Really? Autism never even crossed my mind. I'm going to have to look into that one! ..that must have been very frustrating for you! 
Is there any particular reason that you're not as afraid as you were before?

Oh and I'm the kind to get up and pretend to do something if someone comes close to me to avoid the conversation lol.
Yeahh I'm afraid of the homework part too!
Though tbf I have made some progress over the years. I've managed to talk to a few of my cousins. But only when it's us, not in front of anyone. I think it has something to do with the fact that they're around the same age as me. So in a weird way I've had to force myself so they don't tell they're friends that I'm weird so scared of being embarrassed and judged it's ridiculous!
I still can't seem to talk to the older bunch though. I know they're not but I still feel like they're judging more than someone my own age. It's all very confusing and muddled up.
Thanks  I hope all goes well for you too!

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## Charl94 (Aug 22, 2016)

don said:


> You're definitely not alone. There have been others on here with this condition, not sure if they still come on though.
> 
> You mentioned just now that you're going to see a doctor? Have you been to the speech pathologist/counsellor yet? It seems to me that this would definitely be the way to go with this - therapy and talking through ways to approach the problem.
> 
> ...


Hi, thanks for responding!
I haven't managed to see anybody yet but the wait is around 12 weeks I think.
And yeah definitely. I feel so trapped. There's a whole other personality inside me that I can't share with my family because I'm too afraid. When I say it out loud I feel silly. But it's the only to get help I suppose. Thanks again 

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## MusicDays8 (Apr 25, 2016)

I can understand how you feel. I have a hard time talking to people and when I was in school, I had a hard time talking in class. Teachers would call on me and I wouldn't know what to say. I would just freeze up and not talk. I never talked a lot in school and I just kept to myself a lot. I still keep to myself. If I am having really bad anxiety, people don't usually know because I tend to not show my anxiety. I just have trouble being around people because I get really uncomfortable. Family parties are really bad for me too because I don't want to talk to anybody there. My cousin is getting married next year and I am already having anxiety about going. I really don't want to go because I am not really that close with my family and I just don't really care about going at all.


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## Charl94 (Aug 22, 2016)

Yeah, I bet you were known as the quiet one like me.
When you're so used to not talking to people and bottling everything up, you accidentally become an expert in pretending you have no feelings. When in reality, you're about to explode! It can come off as rude to some people, but those people are ignorant. But that's there issue.
If I were you, I would definitely go. If you don't, you may regret it. 
I have this feeling before every event. I try my best to go to all of them, though it is hard, in the long run it will help. Well this is what I hope anyway 


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## Snowman 23 (Jun 8, 2014)

I kinda got less afraid over time because I've met some really nice people who try to get me out of my shell and don't mind that I'm quiet. It's all thanks to them 

I also tend to freeze up if I'm talking to someone and someone else walks into the room. I don't want the second person to judge me for what I say. I gotta try to work on that, lol.

That's great that you're friends with your cousins!  I used to see my cousins once a year. They would all play together and my sister would play with them. I never played with them tho because I was too shy :serious:. Now that we're all grown up, I still feel uncomfortable around them. They've known me all their lives as the person who wouldn't talk and I don't think that will ever change, so I don't see any point in starting to talk to them now. Every time I see them, I feel like I've regressed back to my middle school years. I actually feel more comfortable in a room full of strangers, since they haven't formed an opinion of me yet



Charl94 said:


> Really? Autism never even crossed my mind. I'm going to have to look into that one! ..that must have been very frustrating for you!
> Is there any particular reason that you're not as afraid as you were before?
> 
> Oh and I'm the kind to get up and pretend to do something if someone comes close to me to avoid the conversation lol.
> ...


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## tvh (Sep 7, 2016)

I never had it bad with my immediate family although I'm still quite reserved around them and never actually say what I'm thinking. Extended family is definitely hard. Luckily I've never been in a position where I'm expected to speak to any of them. Usually I can just give sort of a half nod and be done with it. School was the worst for me. To the point that I wouldn't even make eye contact with people, just completely ignore them as they try to talk to me. That made me feel even worse because I'm not a rude person I just physically couldn't make myself respond. 

As I got older I wouldn't say it got better but it's definitely more manageable. Certain people I can talk to with no trouble (other than just being very guarded in general) but others I still feel my throat tensing up and notice myself fidgeting more. I really wish I'd gotten into therapy for it when I was younger. The self created set of tools I use to cope aren't super effective and more often than not that just make things worse.

I don't know what my advise would be worth since I haven't gotten any better myself but as I get older I try to focus less on being completely comfortable and normal. If I can just move a little bit in that direction every so often I'm happy. I'd like to think it's not that I've given up hope, just that I've gotten more realistic. I've seen some incredible transformations in kids with selective mutism going through therapy. You're definitely on the right track with that. Good luck.


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