# Ladies, do you ever initiate conversation with a guy you like?



## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

??????


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

I must admit...I am not a lady.

That said, if socially outgoing women don't generally ask guys out what are the chances that a girl with SA would?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Yeah, I always try.


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## regimes (Aug 24, 2011)

i've initiated conversations with dudes twice and after getting rejected, my SA shut me down.

with my current boyfriend, i talked to him first, but it was before i knew i liked him.


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## Zadaliya (Apr 7, 2015)

You'll know I like you when I initiate conversation with every guy but you because I'm too nervous to talk to you. Either that or I just don't like you but there's usually a known reason behind it.


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

Yes, both online and in person.


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## feels (Jun 18, 2010)

Yes. It's rare that I feel really drawn to somebody but when I do I always try to get to know them. I always surprise myself with how talkative I can become when I'm determined lol. I don't directly ask them out or anything but you can pretty much feel overtime whether they're into it or not and things just play out from there.


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## Theresa Ann (Jun 13, 2014)

Sadly no, not usually.


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## Aribeth (Jan 14, 2012)

I wait and wait and wait and wait :/


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## JussSpeak (Oct 1, 2015)

Not really good at initiating conversation in person, but It's not very difficult getting a guy to come over and talk to you as long as you show him that you're open through body language. Sometimes j do this by mistake and they come over when I don't exactly want them to. I ca initiate convo through and over the phone like its no big deal though.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm not a female but i've never initiated a conversation in my life.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

i mean i'll talk to them first eventually or if i'm feeling super brave. but it's always easier to try to prance around in front of him for a while and see if that gets him to do the work. it's just instinct.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

Yes, I try to. Both when it comes to liking in the romantic and not-romantic sense.

Wouldn't want to wait around hoping for a miracle.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

None of the above? I don't talk to people, people don't talk to me. I think it's a law, at least in Minnesota.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

Usually I wait for her to talk to me first (usually doesn't happen) and in the case that she does talk to me, my terrible social skills start kicking in and it doesn't get anywhere. My social anxiety just makes me come off as a boring person, that's my problem. 


The only time I can actually have a decent conversation with women is when i'm a little drunk. Maybe it's just because that's the only time I don't give a crap.


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## Fangirl96 (Apr 13, 2015)

No, never. I would be way too scared to get rejected and made fun of. And how am i suppose to know if he's single or not? Would be a waste of time and energy to start flirting with someone who's taken. All cute guys are always taken. Or gay. So what's the point. Not that i even know how to flirt. Do you wink and hope for the best or? More complicated than rocket science ffs.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

I would initiate conversation in person (and often have), but not via text. If a guy doesn't initiate text conversations, I assume it's because he doesn't want to text me. And leaving the ball in their court for that kind of thing isn't a bad way to gauge their level of interest.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

I cant answer because I need to be able to check off OTHER. I treat guys I am attracted to like crap. I also treat creeps like crap. All other guys I used to be really nice to until I realized that in NA that means (to them) that you want them..you want the D) Sadly, this means I dont talk much to guys anymore


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## Sco (Aug 2, 2015)

It happened when I initiated conversations, but I've never liked someone.


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## theotherone (Sep 1, 2015)

not that it matters now that i'm finally married LOL

NO - hell no. XD


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## skyless (Sep 26, 2015)

I answered that I do initiate conversation first, but honestly this is typically only in an online setting. I will message a person I find interesting/attractive online first. (Or used to anyways) Texting is more personal, but I might make myself do it. 
If it is someone I actually know in real life then I might not ever talk to them. It really just depends. Do I think they might be interested in me? If no, then I probably will not talk to them. If yes, I would consider it.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

I never initiate, because I know the guy will not feel the same way, and that even in the outlandish case that he did, I could not offer him anything he really wants in a relationship. Better to not lead guys on.

At the same time, I never wait for a guy to do the initiating, because why wait for something that will never happen? :stu So I can't choose any option in the poll.

I also just have remarkably poor judgement regarding which people will make good friends (the vast majority of people I'm interested in don't even want to befriend me, and the few who do almost always turn their backs on me soon enough), so it stands to reason this lack of good judgement would hold tenfold for romantic relationships. :/


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## acidicwithpanic (May 14, 2014)

Both. I want to show interest but I don't want to appear too clingy.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

bump


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

Yes, but I fail miserably with keeping the conversation going.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Findedeux said:


> I must admit...I am not a lady.
> 
> That said, if socially outgoing women don't generally ask guys out what are the chances that a girl with SA would?


Who says a social outgoing woman has the same behavior as a socially outgoing guy? 
ALL men are expected to be burly, loud, outgoing men who make all the first moves. Society tells us we're trash if we don't, where is the similar expectation on women to make every first move on _anything_ at all?


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

I've received 40 messages in four months from okcupid and pof combined.

I didn't initiate any of those messages.

That said, most of those messages are lazy one-liners from women.

So if we're talking about online initiation sure some women do it but even then it's not much of an effort.


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## My Hearse (Aug 28, 2015)

knightofdespair said:


> Who says a social outgoing woman has the same behavior as a socially outgoing guy?
> ALL men are expected to be burly, loud, outgoing men who make all the first moves. Society tells us we're trash if we don't, where is the similar expectation on women to make every first move on _anything_ at all?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Already answered this, yep, I almost always initiate convos with guys if I like a guy. Or find some excuse to talk to them, but I have no skills beyond that.



SamQwerty said:


> No.
> 
> If he's interested in me and confident, he'll initiate conversation with me.


I get what you're saying, but there's two things I thought about this.

1. It's passive aggressive on some level because it's like you're annoyed that they don't find you hot enough if they don't approach. since society tells you that guys approach when they do. But firstly they might take more time to get to that point, yes less guys are like that, but exceptions apply. Might not have really noticed you before either.

2. It's much more fulfilling when you approach guys you like and talk to them, even if you don't have the guts to ask them out on a date. It's just nice.


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## ellirpa (Dec 29, 2015)

Online, or through text sure.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Not really but I do indirect things. 

When going out to dinner with a group of people, I might try to sit next to them or across from them, so I would more likely be able to talk to them. 

And when I used to go clubbing I would walk around the club and if I found a guy my type, I'd stand in his vicinity and stare at him like a weirdo. A couple times when I was very very drunk I approached the guy or "accidentally" bumped into him. That was extremely rare though.


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## xMissChloex (Oct 7, 2012)

I picked the ''I'm not even into guys'' Option. Lmao!

I honestly prefer to avoid talking to alot of guys because I usually fear some of them get the wrong idea. And I hate it when people assume i'm into them lmao! Especially guys. Like no buddy your female friend is 10 times cuter lmao.

To add though, I think alot of women do want to approach the person they're interested in! And some even do! But it's not necessarily common where I come from!


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## Dark Jewel (Jul 18, 2014)

I'm a shut-in. I don't see people, so I can't approach anyone, x.x


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

No. Cause I don't want to get punched in the face.


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## Ineko (Jan 5, 2014)

LostInReverie said:


> None of the above? I don't talk to people, people don't talk to me. I think it's a law, at least in Minnesota.


<drops by Lost's house to say hi, hears sirens and runs at anime speed screaming "Once I lose the pigs ill be back for a chat!">


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## roxybudgy (Jan 26, 2015)

With SA... male or female, like or don't like, I rarely initiate conversation. Currently the only people I initiate conversation with are people that I'm already very comfortable with: partner, direct family, co-workers that I have known for years.

One time I did send the first message on OK Cupid to a guy who's profile looked interesting. Never got a response.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

They'd probably be insulted or not interested in talking to me if I initiated anything.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Ineko said:


> <drops by Lost's house to say hi, hears sirens and runs at anime speed screaming "Once I lose the pigs ill be back for a chat!">


Ha, you're cute.


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## Potato Girl (Jul 22, 2013)

past couple of times ive liked a guy ive been the one to initiate conversation actually. if they havent and im really into them and theyre not biting why not! however its always been online so idk if that counts lol. ive never asked a guy out on a date though but maybe thatll be on my list this year.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

I usually just wait for him to come to me. Like a moth to a flame so to speak. Men are very....dutiful creatures. They will approach you - and continue to approach you, if they are smitten on you


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

knightofdespair said:


> Who says a social outgoing woman has the same behavior as a socially outgoing guy?
> ALL men are expected to be burly, loud, outgoing men who make all the first moves. Society tells us we're trash if we don't, where is the similar expectation on women to make every first move on _anything_ at all?


The similar expectation on women is that we be hot so guys will want to approach us first. What point is there in them approaching us otherwise, right?--*we have to offer them something attractive.*

I'll get flak for this, but a woman having something attractive to offer could even be considered a (passive) first move. Like a street vendor hawking interesting wares. Shoppers won't bother stopping if we have nothing they want. (*insert stupid "You have to buy a woman's affection hurr-durr-durr" comment here before somebody else does, not realizing this is only a metaphor*)

Meanwhile, those of us who have no interesting wares to offer, i. e., who are _not_ hot...are considered trash. Even by lonely guys.



truant said:


> No. Cause I don't want to get punched in the face.


 This makes me sad. :hug

...

I was actually eyeballing a guy sitting by himself in Wal-Mart yesterday. He wasn't particularly cute, just average, but he was youngish (I keep forgetting I'm not ;_; ) and alone and I was wondering. Since most people I see seem to be in groups, it's the loners who capture my eye. I peered at him a few times while waiting by the cart. Made sure he didn't notice me. After a while another guy came by and he got up and they seemed to leave together. Not such a loner after all, I guess. :/

I kept thinking, I bet he has a girlfriend. (Nope, I didn't think that he has _lots_ of girlfriends or lots of _sex_, I thought, I bet he has _a_ girlfriend.) And what a humiliating slap in the face it would be to him for this old fat ugly disabled woman (who doesn't even want sex, no less) to try to strike up a conversation with him.

Considering that no guys have ever considered me to be anywhere near worthy of their romantic attention, I figure I'm doing them a favor by not approaching first, even if I did have the guts. Which, since I have severe SA, I don't.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

Findedeux said:


> I've received 40 messages in four months from okcupid and pof combined.
> 
> I didn't initiate any of those messages.
> 
> ...


Whoa! That's very very rare. Teach me your ways sensei.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

tehuti88 said:


> The similar expectation on women is that we be hot so guys will want to approach us first. What point is there in them approaching us otherwise, right?--*we have to offer them something attractive.*
> 
> I'll get flak for this, but a woman having something attractive to offer could even be considered a (passive) first move. Like a street vendor hawking interesting wares. Shoppers won't bother stopping if we have nothing they want. (*insert stupid "You have to buy a woman's affection hurr-durr-durr" comment here before somebody else does, not realizing this is only a metaphor*)
> 
> Meanwhile, those of us who have no interesting wares to offer, i. e., who are _not_ hot...are considered trash. Even by lonely guys.


Not really, guys hit on women with no makeup and wearing sweat pants if they seem approachable enough. It has little to do with them preparing to meet people, and more about whether they seem hostile or indifferent to talking to someone. There is still no society-wide mandate they they have to make the first move, is there?


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## rosecolored (May 13, 2012)

I always do, and it hasn't worked yet. I wish a decent guy would initiate.


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## Swanhild (Nov 26, 2012)

tehuti88 said:


> Meanwhile, those of us who have no interesting wares to offer, i. e., who are _not_ hot...are considered trash. Even by lonely guys.


Very true, even 99% of the so called "incels" (guys who are supposed to be in our league) want nothing to do with us. They only notice young/pretty girls, hence why they always talk about how easy the female gender has it.

As an ugly female the world constantly makes sure to remind you of your place, so I don't see why I would ever even think of trying to talk to any guy IRL, regardless if he was attractive or not.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

From my experience in going out, I've only ever known two ladies to openly approach a man and ask them out. Both were 'out of the blue' occurrences to two former friends of mine. Both are now married to their respective lady and both have one child. Absolutely no effort at all was put in by either former friend - hence my description of relationships/flings e.t.c simply 'materialising' for people. It really does happen&#8230;

Other than that, I've never personally seen any initiation by a lady. That's not to say it doesn't happen - it's just something I've only ever seen twice in more than 14 years.

It's generally left to the man to approach - and that's where men like us on SAS are simply destined to fail. We don't have the traits that qualify. We're not boisterous, obnoxious, over-animated, outgoing, over-confident (through previous success) or egotistical - which in this day and age counts for a lot more than reliability, discreetness, politeness and genuine affection.

I can truthfully say I've never formally approached any lady in my life and I honestly can't see that situation changing. I can't just click my fingers and change my personality overnight simply because someone tells me I can. That 'someone' who happens to have never been in our position to know how demoralising and demeaning it is. The best I can do is drop plenty of hints, show eye-contact and be generally polite. Typically, this is never worked for me. It's actually lead to me being told to "_f off_" before now&#8230;  I can't develop any self-esteem or motivation from this, sorry. It takes more than mere 'confidence' also. It takes equal legwork on both sides and as things stand, that's not how the dating game works - hence I finally called it a day towards the end of last year and accepted myself as a lifelong single person.


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## Chelsalina (Oct 15, 2014)

I thought this guy was attractive at my school but he was painfully shy. I initiated the conversation and it only lasted like half a minute. He would openly talk to other girls so I guess he just didn't like me. I don't usually initiate conversation with guys because they usually start it first. I think it's because I'm shy myself so it's more easy for guys to approach me. If I like a girl I usually just go for it and talk to them, crack a joke here and there, when I have the chance. I find them more easy to talk to and they're usually friendly towards me.


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## tieffers (Jan 26, 2013)

I would now if I were looking, since I know now that guys like being hit on (as it's almost always the other way around) and the most I would be risking would probably be a polite rejection. I think women should take more initiative in choosing who they want to possibly date and just go for it, because there's nothing to lose and I see a lot of weird losers hitting on beautiful girls that are too insecure to hold out for the best and choose their own man, rather than falling into a relationship with someone that might not be compatible with you. Most relationship-quality men are too respectful or afraid of coming off as a creep to approach a woman like that, but a lot of overly confident doucheb*gs have no problem aggressively pursuing romantic interests. Then we get stuck in unhappy relationships, which we complain about, to guys who are not understanding why we date jerks in the first place, but I feel like this could be a big factor.

Sorry for derailing so much, wow...


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## JaegerLover217 (Feb 23, 2016)

most women are stubbornly, adamantly passive, will never approach a guy, have any women on this forum ever gotten a boyfriend in which they approached their man first, made the first move or maybe even asked him out first?


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Nope, never. 

Every so often I do come across people that I admire, but I'm content to leave it at that because I feel only a very weak desire to pursue relationships. If I do approach anyone, the main reasons are because I need something or want to learn something from them.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

Iv'e had some women approach me but because ima total noob and my inner ninja warrior starts showing, i usually turn into a statue and am unable to say anything. I swear, when i'm talking to girls my age, it's as if i'm trying to make myself as small and invisible as possible. It sux. 

Then they just assume i'm not interested and go hit on the taller more manly alpha male omega god. I cri everytime.


I wish I had all the right words to say but i'm about as good with women as my granny is with an iphone.


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## starsfire (May 11, 2015)

I do if i am feeli g pretty that day. Or if its just someone i can not! Pass up talking to even if i get turned down. If i see someone i want then i go for it. And say strange things lol. But it works for me i havent been turned down yet. I make up for whatever im lacking by being cute or with strong flirting . example i saw this guy get off his bike and i stood beside it after he went in and i was pretending to look at his bike. So he comes out and i say is this yours? He says yes and then i tell him i like his tattoos and ask if he has anymore? He says on his back so i lift his shrit and run my hands over them ^.^ complement him and there you go thats my advanced flirting lol. Just taking what i want and not worrying if he likes me cause he gets no choice ^.^ the end


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## starsfire (May 11, 2015)

I wish I had all the right words to say but i'm about as good with women as my granny is with an iphone.[/QUOTE]

That is the funniest thing iv heard today ^.^ maybe you could make a joke or something since you are funny . the next time a girl talks to you.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

They never do because they're pussies.


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## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

Fangirl96 said:


> No, never. I would be way too scared to get rejected and made fun of. And how am i suppose to know if he's single or not? Would be a waste of time and energy to start flirting with someone who's taken. All cute guys are always taken. Or gay. So what's the point. Not that i even know how to flirt. Do you wink and hope for the best or? More complicated than rocket science ffs.


I kno lol the cuties are always taken ALWAYS!

But I can talk to a guy like a friend, I dont think cold approach ( asking if they're single ECT is good imo) I feel its better to start out as friends and then if there are feelings and those feelings are reciprocated then make the move.


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## JaegerLover217 (Feb 23, 2016)

the hardest part is doing this without bitterness and resentment, because i read in a book titled "how to succeed with women" by Ron Louis and David Copeland, they said "if you are bitter and resentful, no woman will want you, just get over it, this may be easier said than done, but initiating/escalating without bitterness and resentment is essential, imperative if you want success with women"


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## Meanderer (Apr 2, 2013)

I've only initiated conversation with guys online. I don't really initiate conversation with anyone in person though. 

I've made male friends this way, but as a romantic interest it generally doesn't work. They only seem romantically interested in me when they initiate. Which I guess is why they started talking to me in the first place...


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## JaegerLover217 (Feb 23, 2016)

Meanderer said:


> I've only initiated conversation with guys online. I don't really initiate conversation with anyone in person though.
> 
> I've made male friends this way, but as a romantic interest it generally doesn't work. They only seem romantically interested in me when they initiate. Which I guess is why they started talking to me in the first place...


ya, it sounds like a woman is almost guaranteed a boyfriend, women get a free ticket into the dating/mating game.


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