# How do you develop a backbone and toughen yourself up?



## Ironpain (Aug 8, 2010)

For many people myself included it's very easy to let people walk all over us, our parents, our siblings, maybe you have a significant other, it's your boss at work no matter who it might be there is always someone we allow to tower over us to make demands of us, and I'm not speaking about your Manager telling you you need to work the 11-6 grave yard shift, I'm speaking of your Manager constantly demanding you fill in this paper work and that paper work to the point where you have no time for anything else and then when you do have time the Manager takes it away. 

In School you let kids intimidate you even kids half your size because they had clout or they hid behind numbers, they've become bullies now and suddenly they see that your overly sensitive that your different they begin to Bully you, but it's not just them it's sibilings demanding you baby sit for them or always wanting something from you even when it takes a demand on you. 

I am a victim of having people undermine me of having people step all over me because I play the what if game. What if my family turns on me and wants nothing to do with me? What if they gossip about me or feel I betrayed them, what if I stand up to someone who's being a jerk to me and that person tries to hurt me, I say all the time what if I make someone angry or people start to think of me as being mean instead of respecting me for standing up for myself, My biggest fear is making a change in myself because I fear that my new attitude will shock everyone and they will become skeptical.

Anyways How can I develop the backbone to stand up for myself? I'm nearly 25 I shouldn't be letting other people have their way, I feel like a Coward I have confessed that I take the easy way because I'd rather let things flow then to stand up to someone I know is wrong.


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## Sophomore (Sep 19, 2010)

I think I get the right impression as to what you are going through (my dad was very aggressive with me and I was bullied in high school). What I did was to work out and to lose some weight because at the time I was a little big. That immediately increased my self esteem and when people saw this transformation they gave me a good deal of respect going forward. 

The other thing I could think of that may be able to help is to just expose yourself first to the easiest situations and from there work yourself up and begin to speak your mind until it becomes second nature to you.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

You look at the world for the way it really is: self-driven. You are too or else you wouldn't survive. If all things were equal there would soon be someone trying to take more that what you have and vise versa. It is in our nature, and that is normal. We have evolved to be this way to survive ultimately. There is no pure altruisms because there is nothing alive that is altruistic! Even when parents care for their young are they doing it out of self-interest. Even people sacrifice their lives for someone else is there a reason for self interests.

I'm not condoning you treat people like crap. I'm just stating the facts. Those who treat you like crap, you don't deserve it. Beyond the previous paragraph of altruistic behaviors, there is a popular saying that you treat people they way you'd like to be treated. In all honesty, the people who treat others badly and expect to be treated nicely are breaking this rule and they by no means deserve anything in return! People are aware of when they take avantage of you and do it because they want to. Then you have those who have the decency not to. Which one of these do you want in your life? More importantly, how do you want to be treated, and what rules are you going to follow to allow that to happen? 

Me, I refuse to let some ******* be an *******s to me for the heck of it. If I feel there is a reason, then I can understand, but if not, then I'd defend myself furiously. I treat people good, but those who treat me badly I cut off from my life in due time. Another saying is: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"--I hold this statement to be true. I think it is best to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, but not so much to where you risk a lot for someone you know little about without a good enough cause. I've done that before and to this date have people who swore up and down to repay me my money never do so, or people who are friends to my face only to steal from me later down the road. People are self-driven, even when they choose to love you. Nothing is altruistic in nature. You are also self-driven, but you are also the only person who decides to put up with a certain amount of grief or not. Is it worth it? If not, then discard it and do what you have to.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

I'd say you have to keep putting yourself in situations where you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself.


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## wjc75225 (Jul 24, 2010)

I'd say practice saying "No". It's hard at first, but there's nothing wrong with taking baby steps. Your happiness should come first. It may seem selfish, but when you think of it that way, I've found it works.


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## katt993 (Apr 7, 2011)

yea results wont be immediate but just focus on small things for now like taking more control in conversations and and not feel bad about being a little selfish. also do things like maintain your appearance and hygiene and find some hobbies that u genuinely love doing. dont just settle for anyone to be your friend find people that you genuinely admire who also think YOU are super cool. i used to hang out with people that thought they were better than me and once i started feeling more self conscious i realized it was partially because i was too emotionally invested in their opinion of me and needed to get more supportive friends. i ditched them and eventually found a couple more friends that thought i was AWESOME and were just accepting of who i was. you deserve to have friends that think YOU are cool. i mean like they should show that they reaally want to hang out with you, and they should believe in you. being assertive doesnt mean being agressive though. do not confuse the two. i got confused with that at one point and ended up with anger managment issues. you dont have to 'get back at' people or be violent necessarily to be assertive. 
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive-Without-Being-Arrogant
basically the keys to being assertive are to know what you want, being confident/positive minded and to respect yourself, and to surround yourself with people that truly have your best interest in mind


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## bigcat1967 (Apr 20, 2010)

Attitude. Imagine yourself as a bulldog that nobody wants to mess around with. Practice it with people even though you may stumble the first few times.


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## sable (Apr 25, 2011)

Anger. When you let people walk all over you you get angry after a while. All you have to do is unleash that into you're everyday life. You would be surprised how far you can get just using a sharp tone with people.
Like with my brother, he is kind of an ******* and enjoys bullying anyone and everything, but when I snap back or just say something in a very sharp voice, he becomes all quiet and almost unsure of the situation, because people expect you to act in a certain way.... It's like people can feel the edge.

Downside is it's no fun walking around feeling angry and at odds with the world. I would prefer feeling peaceful and friendly with the world, but what can you do?


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