# When you start dating, do you tell the person about your SA?



## Transcend (Mar 24, 2007)

I've never told anyone I dated about my SA. My last boyfriend had his own apartment, so whenever he would take me out to go to a diner, naturally, I would try to avoid it, so because of this I even ended up telling him that I'm on a strict diet so I don't eat out (that was lame, I know), but the 3 times I did go to a diner with him I was extremelly uncomfortable, so from then on I would just hang out at his place, and since he'd pick me up right from my house and we would park right in front of his apartment, I had no anxiety about this dating routine. Of course, there comes a point in time when going to a diner becomes unavoidable, and that's when my anxiety about eating in public gets the best of me and I go into my hermit mode and just stay at home and tell my bf that I came down with the flu or something along those lines. 

I'm not with him anymore, but for future references, I need to know if I should just tell my future prospective boyfriend about my social anxiety disorder right from the start and just hope that he will be understanding, or to date for some short time, and get a sense if he's one of those people who will understand or who will be judgmental, and then decide if I should confide or not? I hate feeling like I'm being secretive, and I know that relationships should be based on trust, but I'm scared of the response I'll get once I tell a person I have SA. I would appreciate some advice.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

*Re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

I wouldn't mention it on the first few dates. Afterwards, there isn't any sure way to tell how the other person will take the news. If you feel it becomes noticible in little things and he mistakes your anxiety for something else it may be appropriate to bring it up. :stu


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

I wouldn't even have to ponder that issue, if I ever actually met somebody to date. My SA comes up almost instantly when people insist on asking "So what do you do for a living".

Unless I want to totally lie my *** off, it would be hard to get around the fact that I've done no work nor school in the last 12 years.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

I'd like to be able to, but everyone is so judgemental, it'd probably be best to just lie.


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

Transcend said:


> or to date for some short time, and get a sense if he's one of those people who will understand or who will be judgmental, and then decide if I should confide or not?


That's the way to go. If you tell him too soon, he will be watching you for signs of your anxiety instead of getting to know YOU. And since anxiety is a big/vulnerable issue in our lives, you want to make sure you can trust someone with that information.



LoneLioness said:


> I'd like to be able to, but everyone is so judgemental, it'd probably be best to just lie.


I wouldn't say it's lying. Dating is a game and you need to know how to play and how to be tactful.

And it sounds like you dated your ex-boyfriend for awhile. You never felt comfortable enough to tell him about your anxiety?


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

yeah, in the past couple of years or so, I've told everyone I meet that I have it, hoping they'll understand, but they never do unless they have it too.


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## aboveandbelow (Jan 16, 2007)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

I wouldn't, no.. not unless we both realized we wanted to take things further.. then I'd tell her. That'd be as much of a date-killer as someone telling you they had a venereal disease over dinner.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

LoneLioness said:


> I'd like to be able to, but everyone is so judgemental, it'd probably be best to just lie.


OK, so how does that work. Suppose you meet a guy who asks you "So, Stephanie, what do you do for a living?"

What's your response?

What about when he finds out you're a liar, in addition to unemployed, and on SSI for your mental illness? Lies seems to create additional problems. And eventually they will find out unless they quickly reject you for other reasons.


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## Anonymous Dude (Mar 25, 2007)

If you think she/he isn't aware already you are probably kidding yourself, no one can hide it for long. I myself told an interest of mine that I have it, she totally understood. Some people are just more open minded than others, not everyone is a shark waiting to hurt you or abandon you. 

If you don't tell them, they will probably think you are blowing them off or acting like a jerk, it could really make things clearer. Would you rather be thought of as a jerk or someone with rusty social skills?


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## mal (Mar 26, 2007)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

I could only date someone if they knew about the SA in the first place.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I think my social anxiety just speaks for itself. The fact that I hardly speak clues them in instantly. Not that I have to worry about anyone having an interest in dating me, anyway. My SA is probably the least likely thing about me to scare a potential partner away.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

NightinGale said:


> Transcend said:
> 
> 
> > or to date for some short time, and get a sense if he's one of those people who will understand or who will be judgmental, and then decide if I should confide or not?
> ...


It was an online/phone relationship and I did tell him, and he wasn't understanding of it at all.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

UltraShy said:


> LoneLioness said:
> 
> 
> > I'd like to be able to, but everyone is so judgemental, it'd probably be best to just lie.
> ...


I suppose I wouldn't say I had a job, I'd probably just say I was unemployed but looking or between jobs right now.


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## emptybottle (Jan 3, 2005)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

I probably would, since my SA is so severe that I'm unable to get a job, make friends, or go out that often. I'd hope that they'd be understanding and cut me some slack for being such a loser... Then again, my SA would be so painfully apparent within the first couple of dates, that no one would even want to stay with me anyways. So I suppose I don't even have to worry about having that conversation.


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## Vincenzo (Sep 24, 2005)

I would see it as suicide, firstly because I'd just be creating an awkward moment out of the blue, and secondly because, frankly, I see my SA as a personal failing. I don't see why anyone would adopt this kind of honesty when it's only going to radically limit your number of potential partners.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

LoneLioness said:


> I suppose I wouldn't say I had a job, I'd probably just say I was unemployed but looking or between jobs right now.


Then they might well ask what you used to do and what kind of job you're looking for, which then requires further lies.


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## Your Lover Scrub Ducky (Jul 26, 2004)

i never have. ive said i was a bit shy, which is allways obvious when i first meet somebody. but as i get more comfortable with them it dies off and the topic never comes up again. plus im often good at masking it, so why bring it up? especially since most people wouldnt understand it. i consider SA to be my biggest flaw/weakness/secret...id feel exposed and vulnerable if someone knew, like they have one up on me.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*

...or that they'd be judgemental and lose interest. That's why I wouldn't go into any details unless I've known the person for awhile and felt really comfortable...I don't know, maybe it wouldn't even come up.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about*



aboveandbelow said:


> I wouldn't, no.. not unless we both realized we wanted to take things further.. then I'd tell her. That'd be as much of a date-killer as someone telling you they had a venereal disease over dinner.


HAHAHA "Check please."


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## Shauna (Jul 29, 2006)

[right:1ag6252u]It could be a bad move, or a good move...depending on the person you're seeing at the time(what type of person they are). Some people can deal with it, and some can't and won't understand it.

I met a guy about 3 weeks ago, and i told him that i deal with anxiety..quickly, just to get it out the way*bad move*. He was like, "if you wanna be with me, you got to get over that". I felt like sh*t. Being a grown woman who still can't get a handle on my issues. Its pathetic. I' pretty much cut all contact with him after that coversation. To my surprise, he is still calling trying to talk to me, but i'm scared. I'm just not stable enough for relationships.

I should just accept the fact, that i will be alone for the rest of my life. No sex,no man,no kids..nothing.[/right:1ag6252u]


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## pariahgirl (Mar 26, 2008)

I've never really told anyone about my anxiety. It's something I deal with by myself. It's the same if I had cancer, I wouldn't go around to each person I met and go hey guess what! I have cancer want to hang out...that sure would be akward and they would just feel sorry for you or avoid you all together unless they had the same thing and can relate. I think you have to reallly get to know someone before you can tell them everything, because if you just met them, and you're already telling them all your problems, it's a little overwhelming and way too much information.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Well this is a blast from the past.

I'd be interested in hearing from guys who've told their female counterparts about their SA. I suspect such males are a rare breed though.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

NOT right away. that could likely scare them off. even if they are a good person otherwise not everyone is knowledgeable about mood disorder and they might just not want to bother with you. although i think it may be wise to say you are shy, which i don't think would scare them away immediately.
long-term though it certainly is something you should bring up.


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## Jay-T (May 11, 2008)

This came up with a girl I was dating a while back. I wouldn't have told her right away, I wouldn't tell anyone right away. But about a month in the right time to tell her came up, and I just made up something and changed the subject. Things fell apart shortly thereafter. I regretted not telling her, because it would have explained a lot. Not sure if things would have worked out if I had, or if she would have been ok with it, but it couldn't have ended up any worse.


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## Breathe (Apr 16, 2008)

Yeah..i have. It took me about 6 months of us dating to do it and honestly, i couldn't NOT tell him. I was getting extremely nervous meeting his friends for the first time and sweating,blushing etc etc to such an extent that it felt better for me to be able to give him a reason. Almost 3 yrs later we're still together... :cuddle


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## Shauna (Jul 29, 2006)

pariahgirl said:


> I've never really told anyone about my anxiety. It's something I deal with by myself. It's the same if I had cancer, I wouldn't go around to each person I met and go hey guess what! I have cancer want to hang out...that sure would be akward and they would just feel sorry for you or avoid you all together unless they had the same thing and can relate. I think you have to reallly get to know someone before you can tell them everything, because if you just met them, and you're already telling them all your problems, it's a little overwhelming and way too much information.


[right:artv7d44]If you have severe SA or any other disorders, you gone have to tell them at some point. They will know something is not right with you, that you are different,etc. I don't care, i just let the person know..right off the bat..."i struggle with anxiety, i'm still trying to overcome it,etc". That will give them a glimpse of what they are geting into too, or if they wanna stick around ot not.

I can't act or be phony..trying to keep somebody around. SA is a major part of who i am, and i can't just hide it in order to impress somebody and appear normal. Eventually, they will find out anyway. Its exhausting trying to be somebody you're not just to please people. I tried doing this in the past, but it only made me suffer more in the end. I don't wanna be with somebody, if i can't be myself. That wouldn't be fair to him. He think i'm one way...then later on, he slowly starts seeing the real me, the socially inept loser, with no friends,no job,etc. He will be like :wtf

Its like a guy who is married. I would rather him tell me up front...not wait untill further on down the line when feelings and emotions are involved.

You got to be real with people. I don't care if it scares them off...if thats the case you're doing yourself a favor. Alot of people pretend to be somebody else when they are first meeting somebody and i hate that. You think they are one way, then later on down the line(when they get tired of faking), its like HERE I REALLY AM :con You didn't fall in love with them, you fell in love with their representative.[/right:artv7d44]


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## p!atd (May 16, 2008)

I have to as its pretty hard to hide panic attacks when they occur. If theyre not understanding about it then theyre not my type of person anyway so at least i find out early on.


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## Mr. Frostman (Nov 9, 2003)

Its not like you have herpes or something so I don't know why you would feel obligated to tell the person. Its probably already obvious from your behavior that you're extremely shy. Keep the SAD on the down low.


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## Zen Mechanics (Aug 3, 2007)

I told one girl i was dating, and she's the only i've told who i know personally. it felt really good to finally tell someone, and she understood because she had depression and got anxiety as well sometimes (though not SA). i haven't told any of the other girls i've been with though, it just has never come up.


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## BeautifulSorta (May 2, 2008)

I've told most of them. No point in being secretive, isn't it?


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

ah.. i wouldn't tell anyone on the first date, certainly.. if things progress, i.e, months, depending on your mutual level of comfortability, who knows.. but it's probably not good just to bring it up out of the blue..


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## Raplovehate (Jan 15, 2008)

If I was convinced I had it and I was dating, nahhhh.


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## Shauna (Jul 29, 2006)

[right:7z0v5564]I see where you guys are coming from, maybe i'm just being too dramatic. Making things worser than they should me. Either way, it doesn't matter. Guys usually loose interest in me after a while anyway.

..sorry[/right:7z0v5564]


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

I don't think it's such a good idea to tell them right away. Why would you want someone to know your flaws before they get a chance to get to know you better and appreacite your good qualities? You can tell them later when you have developed a relationship and feel that they genuinely like you and you can trust them. Either way, avoid talking about bad things, it only shows a person's insecurity and that's never attractive.


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## estelle85 (Jan 22, 2008)

*Re: re: When you start dating, do you tell the person about your*



mal said:


> I could only date someone if they knew about the SA in the first place.


Completely agree :banana

...i mean SA has taken alot of things away from my life..such as (making/having) friends, general people relations, going to school properly..etc etc...
I could only date that person if HE knew about my disorder and the effects it had on me and my life...


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