# Parents comparing you to other people your age



## danohman

My parents are more interested in how others perceive me than my wellbeing. Is this common for those with social anxiety?

For example, they do not hesitate to tell me just how disappointed they are in me for dropping out of college. My mum even threatened to kill herself over it. Neither of my parents have any concern about my mental wellbeing which prevented me from being able to attend, they are just scared that other people will talk about how unsuccessful I am and the embarrassment they will have to face as a result. 

I'm very insecure and lack confidence, and I know that is in part due to genetics, but I would also say it has a lot to do with being brought up by two people who have spent my entire life comparing me to others. I really wish I'd been brought up in a family that made me feel like I wasn't worthless. I'd rather be an arrogant piece of s__ than the easily intimidated coward that I've become.


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## DC333

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish your mom hadn't said that. That's very counter productive. I think it's very unfair of your parents to use you as their meter for self worth. 

That being said, everyone does things at their own pace. You are going through obstacles that other people don't have to deal with. Try to focus on yourself and what you want and try not to let what your parents say get you down. I know it's hard when it's your parents, but try to find people who can give you the support you need right now and try not to let the negativity win.


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## firestar

My parents have always compared me to other people. When I was younger, they would say things like, "What grades did the other people in your class get?" When I was applying for jobs, inevitably they had heard about someone else who had applied for a job teaching overseas and been accepted, with the implication being that if someone else could do it so easily then I could too. 

That said, your parents sound even worse than mine. I'm so sorry that your mom threatened to kill herself. I hope you have someone to turn to for advice and help because that sounds like extremely abnormal behavior to me.


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## yep

OP, you are NOT worthless. YOU have to believe that. It seems like your parents don't really understand the fact that not everyone can be the same. Not all of us can be university graduates. Try telling them that. Something like, "Mum. Dad. I'm sorry I'm not the person you wanted me to be, but I am your child and you should support me no matter what I decide I want to do. Not everyone is meant to go down the same road in life." Or just ask them why they're always comparing you to others and why they can't support you. You should have an open discussion with your parents about this, and I think you should tell them how they are making you feel. I think it's pretty extreme that your mum threatened to kill herself. Some semblance of rationality and understanding needs to be established.

I just don't get some parents, though. Why must they care so much about what other people think? Who cares?! You have a family! You have kids! They're the important ones, not some strangers' opinions.


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## danohman

DC333 said:


> Try to focus on yourself and what you want and try not to let what your parents say get you down. I know it's hard when it's your parents, but try to find people who can give you the support you need right now and try not to let the negativity win.


Thanks for the kind words. Supportive people are definitely a huge help in fighting that negativity. I'm lucky that I at least have someone in my life who tries to help me be more accepting of myself.



firestar said:


> My parents have always compared me to other people. When I was younger, they would say things like, "What grades did the other people in your class get?" When I was applying for jobs, inevitably they had heard about someone else who had applied for a job teaching overseas and been accepted, with the implication being that if someone else could do it so easily then I could too.


I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. My parents did the grade comparing thing, too, and often bring up all the kids my age with 'successful careers'. I feel like no matter what I do I will never attain my parents' approval. It's very demoralizing!



yep said:


> OP, you are NOT worthless. YOU have to believe that.
> I just don't get some parents, though. Why must they care so much about what other people think? Who cares?! You have a family! You have kids! They're the important ones, not some strangers' opinions.


Thanks for the kind reply. I completely agree with you, some parents really misdirect concern at people who shouldn't matter, and they hurt those closest to them in the process.


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## ASB20

danohman said:


> For example, they do not hesitate to tell me just how disappointed they are in me for dropping out of college. My mum even threatened to kill herself over it. Neither of my parents have any concern about my mental wellbeing which prevented me from being able to attend, they are just scared that other people will talk about how unsuccessful I am and the embarrassment they will have to face as a result.


I'm sorry, this is just a failure of parenting on your parents' behalf. Threatening to kill herself over leaving college? More concerned about how you appear in their social portfolio than your actual well-being? Disgusting.

You're not worthless, OP. You're progressing at what's comfortable for you, and for many people, that's the best thing to do. Your parents are the ones who should feel the worst for their behavior.


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## chemengchick

It happens and it hurts a lot. My mom is always telling me I should be like my cousins or her friends kids and go out more or date. She often tells me to get over my problems and just shake it off and stop feeling to sorry for myself. I once told her I was sorry for disappointing her and not measuring up to all the others. I told her I was sorry that I wasn't normal and probably never would be normal. Then she burst into tears and told me that I was acting like she was a bad mother for wanting the best for me. I ended up having to apologize to her and promising to do better and try harder. 

Getting married and having kids is really important to my family. So being this old and not dating or having any real prospects makes me kind of a pariah. Sometimes I dress up, go out, and sit in a Barnes & Noble reading a book and come home and tell my mom I was on a date(I still live at home :sigh :no) 

My only saving grace has been that I was always good in school. She used to compare my school work to others but I always came out favorably there. She did, however, like to give me grief over test scores. Why wasn't this 92 more like a 96,why was this 96 not 100, and even "Hmm 100? What there was no extra credit?" She thinks never being pleased with me forces me to be a better person.  

When my aunts brag about their grandkids my mom brags about my grades. She's been telling people I'm waiting to finish my degree and get established in my career before settling down. So I've still got a few years before people see through that façade.

If school isn't working out maybe you can find another are where you shine. Something they can talk about to deflect others scrutiny. Maybe your folks can tell people you are forgoing college to start your own business/venture or consult in some area even if they know its not true. truthfully, you just have to be you. Your self worth shouldn't be reliant on anyone else's opinion but sometimes a little lie just to keep others quiet can be less taxing.

I'm sorry your parents are being so dramatic. I'm sorry you too live in an atmosphere of constant comparisons. I know how you feel, hang in there.


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## wrongnumber

danohman said:


> My parents are more interested in how others perceive me than my wellbeing. Is this common for those with social anxiety?


I posted this in another thread but I'll post it here for you because it's relevant:

A book I'm reading on SA outlined some research that found shyness and social anxiety are associated with controlling, insensitive, critical and overprotective parenting styles, and may include frequent correction and shaming. There's also a greater emphasis placed on the opinions of others. Parents of the shy and socially anxious also tend to have low sociability themselves, therefore their children don't experience as much social interaction and support within the family / extended family while growing up, compared to normals (and this can predict levels of shyness).



danohman said:


> For example, they do not hesitate to tell me just how disappointed they are in me for dropping out of college. My mum even threatened to kill herself over it. Neither of my parents have any concern about my mental wellbeing which prevented me from being able to attend, they are just scared that other people will talk about how unsuccessful I am and the embarrassment they will have to face as a result.


Honestly, anyone would develop psychological problems if their mother did that. She must be a very unstable person with her own serious issues to emotionally blackmail you like that.


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## danohman

ASB20 said:


> You're not worthless, OP. You're progressing at what's comfortable for you, and for many people, that's the best thing to do. Your parents are the ones who should feel the worst for their behavior.


Thanks. :squeeze



wrongnumber said:


> A book I'm reading on SA outlined some research that found shyness and social anxiety are associated with *controlling, insensitive, critical and overprotective parenting styles*, and may include *frequent correction and shaming*. There's also a greater emphasis placed on the opinions of others. *Parents of the shy and socially anxious also tend to have low sociability* themselves, therefore their *children don't experience as much social interaction and support within the family / extended family* while growing up, compared to normals (and this can predict levels of shyness).


This really resonates with me, especially the parts in bold. My parents, particularly my mother, weren't sociable and would often end up isolating themselves from others following petty disagreements. At the moment they themselves have only one or two friends they see every so often.

Growing up I was also never encouraged to try anything new. Anytime I did I was criticized in my approach to it and these days I find it difficult to do anything outside of my comfort zone for fear of that same criticism. I'm sure in their own way they though they were helping me, but it was just completely the wrong way to go about it.


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## danohman

chemengchick said:


> It happens and it hurts a lot.


:squeeze



chemengchick said:


> Sometimes I dress up, go out, and sit in a Barnes & Noble reading a book and come home and tell my mom I was on a date(I still live at home :sigh :no)


I've done similar things to avoid disappointing my mother.



chemengchick said:


> My only saving grace has been that I was always good in school. She used to compare my school work to others but I always came out favorably there. She did, however, like to give me grief over test scores. Why wasn't this 92 more like a 96,why was this 96 not 100, and even "Hmm 100? What there was no extra credit?" She thinks never being pleased with me forces me to be a better person.


Again, this is something I can relate well to, as I also did well in high school. This was a bragging right for my mum. It wasn't until those people who didn't perform as well at school were beginning to get into relationships that this was no longer good enough for her and the jabs at my personal life began. Now that I'm out of college, she's basically lost any and all bragging rights. I have a partner, but I think my mother would prefer someone more successful.


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## HanSolo

go look up people your parents age that are DEAD...and start comparing them with each other.....maybe then they will go fly a kite instead


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## shycheese

I can't remember a time when my parents _didnt'_ compare me to somebody else. I remember one time in high school I was struggling with chemistry and my mom wanted me to drop it cuz she thought I was too stupid for the class. Despite my poor grade I really loved chemistry so I kept at it, my chem teacher was even kind enough to tutor me after class. At the end of the semester I managed to raise my grade from a D to a B. Ecstatic, I ran to show my mom and all she said was 'pfft, only a B? Your friend got an A'. I was pretty crushed and after that I kept whatever accomplishments I had to myself.


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## HanSolo

Kurenai thats great for u (and I love science and am great at it) but pretty messed up how your mom dealt with that


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## Awkto Awktavious

I know how you feel. I was kicked out of university for being too dumb, despite spending most of my time in the library studying just to please my parents. It made me really depressed, but all my mom did was make me feel like a loser. She always compares me to other people my age, it made me bitter towards her and the people she compared me to. (basically everybody)


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## Archeron

It happens all the time.


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## Kalliber

My parents don't really do this..but i will feel pain if they did


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## MiMiK

my dad use to do this to me, always comparing me to others and always criticized me on everything i did or didnt do [why cant you be more like/go do that kids your age are doing that...ect] those are some pretty big blows to your self esteem growing up. i believe this is one of the main reasons my SA is as bad as it is.


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## M0rbid

Yea........ that sounds like my parents.


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## Tokio

I'm going through pretty much the same thing.. My dad doesn't give a fck if I'm happy or not, as long as I'm doing what's "normal"


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## MUFC CR7

Tokio said:


> I'm going through pretty much the same thing.. My dad doesn't give a fck if I'm happy or not, as long as I'm doing what's "normal"


THIS :fall


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## Justlittleme

You could always do something else, key is always do something. My mom threw into massive depression, I can't forgive her right now but I know I have live somehow.


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## petalpunk

wrongnumber said:


> A book I'm reading on SA outlined some research that found shyness and social anxiety are associated with controlling, insensitive, critical and overprotective parenting styles, and may include frequent correction and shaming. There's also a greater emphasis placed on the opinions of others. Parents of the shy and socially anxious also tend to have low sociability themselves, therefore their children don't experience as much social interaction and support within the family / extended family while growing up, compared to normals (and this can predict levels of shyness).


This completely explains my problems. My parents were definitely overprotective of me when I was in grade school and high school. I was never allowed to hang out with friends so I feel like I never had a chance to develop any social normalcy. It's why I have no friends today because I just don't know how to be social. They are also very controlling. They pushed me into the medical field out of high school just because their friends' children and my cousin were in that field. Its more of a status thing for them. I am more into art but my parents always called my art a waste of time. Well I flunked out of pharmacy school due to high amounts of anxiety and depression. Now I am stuck in a lab job I absolutely hate. They still bother me about how I should become a doctor because so and so's son or daughter just became a doctor. I can't stand the pressure they put on me to do what they want. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.


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## NeverendingCycle

I remember this mess... oh how I remember...


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## FelineFatale

I have a mother who was diagnosed with a personality disorder so she isn't always the most supportive person when it comes to my self-esteem issues. Plus, she comes from a family that doesn't know how to filter what they say and can be very mean-spirited in how they treat others.


So I get told that I'll be "an old maid" and that I "will never find a man". Very encouraging. I'm 26 and she will remind me that others my age are in committed relationships and go out to socialize with others while I "have no life". If I ever was to tell her that I was contemplating suicide, she'd be the one to respond, "Not before me you're not". Lovely. :roll


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## Finklestein

FelineFatale said:


> I have a mother who was diagnosed with a personality disorder so she isn't always the most supportive person when it comes to my self-esteem issues. Plus, she comes from a family that doesn't know how to filter what they say and can be very mean-spirited in how they treat others.
> 
> So I get told that I'll be "an old maid" and that I "will never find a man". Very encouraging. I'm 26 and she will remind me that others my age are in committed relationships and go out to socialize with others while I "have no life". If I ever was to tell her that I was contemplating suicide, she'd be the one to respond, "Not before me you're not". Lovely. :roll


As a fellow 26 year old... what she says is not true. going out and socializing sounds like a terrible time. lol


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## ang

Oh I really feel for you. It sounds like your parents don't know what's really important, and it seems they are not supportive. I can relate, my parents, who are still overprotective and controlling, they care about what their friends and my dad's co-workers think, it's all about status for them, not about if I'm happy or my well-being. They would pressure me a lot with school too, and would get angry when I didn't do well in school. They are pushy. I never had a successful job and am currently unemployed, I think they're dissapointed that I'm not successful like their friend's kids, and they don't tell their friends what I've really been up to 'cause they're embarrassed and worry what they'd think. They also didn't tell their friends that I was engaged, before I got married, they made it sound like I was still single, 'cause they were embarrassed my husband didn't have a good job, and both he and I weren't done with college yet. They didn't like my husband before we married, my husband doesn't like my folks either, and even now, after a few years of marriage, I don't think my parents have told their friends that I'm married now :/ It's all about saving face with them. But I forgive my parents though, I love them, they're just difficult and don't know how to let go. But I hope you'll be able to get away from your parents 'cause they don't realize how much pain they're putting you in.


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## KaitlynRose

Actually, for me it is the opposite. My parents compared everyone else my age to me, and lists reasons why they are inferior to me.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

Yeah, I get this. "Why can't you act like a normal 30 year old?" Bleh.

Maybe because I haven't experienced the same things as other 30 year olds, and I'm kind of jaded?


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## sad vlad

I have always been compared in a negative way with pretty much anyone.:blank


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## Jammer25

I can definitely attest to the overprotective parenting affecting me, especially from my mother. 

Now that I'm 25, my mother is in the stage of comparing my current lot in life to what should be normal. That I need to meet new people, get a girlfriend, get this or that job, force myself into going out more.

It obviously doesn't gel with how I grew up, and the stark contrast of now getting on me to be normal like other people my age doesn't register.


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## Morumot

My dad says he has accepted me being antisocial, but he blows up about it sometimes.


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## jimmysheva

my parents are very concern about how others perceive me. they want me to wear nice clothes so people don't think they're poor. i admit my parents are upper class and richer than average and they hang out with rich people. my uncle is a rich and successful businessman. while he was a down to earth person (and a person i admire a lot), it's my aunt (my father's older sister) who had an influence on my parents. she thinks i should wear expensive clothes and my parents agreed with her. the problem is the school i went to is mostly middle class. i was the minority. kids teased me for having rich parents. the car that they used to drive me to school was nicer than everyone else's. this actually made me want to live simply, not wear expensive clothes and fit in.

so i hate every time we go shopping. it seems that every vacation we would go to rodeo drive (beverly hills) or saks fifth or macys or bloomingdales or whatever. they could spend 1000 dollars on clothes every christmas (all the good brands like the Armanis, the Pradas, the Moschinos etc.). first they let me chose my own clothes. if my choice weren't good enough, they would scold me and told me i should develop a better fashion sense. my cousin (who was a guy) was a big fashionista who likes to buy clothes and shoes and my parents think i should be like him. i told them my guy friends are not like him and they said "that's because they can't afford it".

my one pet peeve is watch. i hate wearing a watch. i just don't like having something stuck on my wrist. and in the age of cellphones, i don't really need one. my parents think it's a must-wear accessories and would scold me every time i go out without wearing a watch. they said they would be embarrassed if i run into one of their friends and he would think they couldn't afford to buy me one. from then on, i would wear it when i go out and then take it off once i'm out of their sight.

one day i wrote on my facebook status "even if i had 1 billion dollars, i would never spend it on things like lv, prada, chanel, armani, rolex, omega, tag, etc.." my mom and aunt found out and their reaction was one of horror. they were horrified that i didn't like those brands. my mom immediately told me to delete that from my facebook and told me never to say those sort of things again in social media.

one day my aunt treated me to a first class flight and they provided us with Bvlgari toiletries for free. everyone else took theirs but i left mine in the seat pocket. once we landed, my mom asked me where my bvlgari cologne was. i said i left it there and she said "why are you so stupid? it's bvlgari!" and i was like...yeah, so?

so all my life i'm stuck in between. i didn't fit in with my family and i didn't fit in with my school mates. i don't want to feel ungrateful for being born into an upper class family with a rich uncle but it has caused my social anxiety. i think their one mistake was not putting me into a private international school where i could be friends with other rich kids.


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