# Paralysed with performance anxiety fear - then I found propranolol



## pro pro (Apr 10, 2010)

I had a terrible public speaking experience as a youngster - you know the symptoms...blushing, heart racing, loss of control of breathing, shaking limbs, wobbly voice etc.

Now imagine that happening as a young teenager in front of your friends - who gleefully wouldn't let me forget it for the next few years. My phobia was created and boy did it stick. Just the thought of any type of presentation/speech etc would keep me awake for weeks and would invariably lead me to avoid the situation somehow. It was DEVASTATING for me - I was generally confident in other areas of life but my real life experience of loss of control in front of others meant that no matter what anybody said to me about 'oh it'll be OK' just bounced off me because I had a real life experience to call back on and prove to myself that it certainly would NOT be OK.

I left academic courses later in life because I found that they entailed presenting and I stayed very much in a non threatening role at work. I felt humiliated inside - I'm a big bloke - and felt that my reaction was childish and emasculating but completely out of control. The day I 'confessed' this problem to my wife was humiliating.

Over the years I had just about every type of talking therapy known to man and spent a significant 4 figure sum in total - ranging from hypnotherapy to ETF therapy to CBT to NLP. I have tapped my face and my hands a million times, I have butterfly hugged myself half to death and I have spilled my inner weakness to therapists up and down the country whilst reciting positive affirmations. Each therapist believed they were the answer and for a while I was wildly optimistic with each one of them - but - I never got rid of that black cloud that followed me around in relation to public speaking. None of the promised improvements by the various therapists materialised no matter how badly I wanted them to.

I went to toastmasters and that DID help - but - when I then tried to replicate my infant confidence at work I would fall to pieces and completely regress in terms of confidence. I was at a dead end - a total road block and for a very level headed guy in all other walks of life I was even starting to entertain some very worrying lines of thought - way out of proportion. I would actually think through the pros and cons of having a car wreck rather than arriving at a conference (where I wasn't even speaking!!).

One day I mentioned the problem to a friend who lives away (I was too ashamed and embarrassed to mention it to close friends). His answer was so matter of fact and down to earth that it shocked me. He simply said - 'life's too short to be worrying about $%£& like that - I have the same problem so I just take a propranolol before each relevant event...job done'.

I'd never heard of the pill. I was very sceptical and thought there was no way a little pill an hour before a presentation was the answer after all I had been through - after half a life time of worry and high blood pressure and huge amounts of money spent on talking therapies and hundreds of hours sat in little rooms being hypnotised or talking about my childhood surely there wasn't a simple pill I could take that would drastically improve things? And if there was then surely one of the many therapists I had seen would have at least mentioned it at some stage - or at least you would have thought??

My doctor willingly prescribed me with propranolol to be taken as and when needed. The first time I took 1 tablet (10 mg) about 30 mins before a meeting where I knew I had to be ready to talk a lot if I was going to be taken seriously going forward. I simply could not believe the difference in me and my body - and as a result in my confidence. My body flet like somebody had gently applied the brakes. My mind was still sharp - but my main fear - my fear that my body would let me down with shakes, breathlessness, wobbly voice etc etc simply didn't materialise. I was stunned, totally stunned. Because my body was not reacting like it usually did in those circumstances my confidence soared. I found myself talking and talking and talking - almost simply for the joy of it! Years and years of worry went out of the window.

In other meetings, when it came to opportunities when I could speak because I had something useful to say - but in the past I would just keep quiet or I would try to articulate what I wanted top say but would only get out perhaps 20% of what I wanted to before I dried up/blushed/shook etc - well now with propranolo, before I even realised it I was speaking aloud and with authority & confidence and the key was I was relaxed enough to think about what I was saying as I was saying it and to develop arguments on my feet - all because the beta-blocker wasn't allowing my adrenaline to dominate the experience.

Seriously - whilst I'll never be Tony Robbins or the like - my career has taken off and I have been to places and done things that I never imagined I would - because I have now had the confidence to go for positions and promotions that previously I wouldn't have gone near because of the fear that at some stage I'd need to speak to a group.

Hey, I still worry about presentations (but that has subsided with each one I give) but I always have the confidence that my little white pill will be by my side (I carry a couple in my wallet for emergency public speaking) - and that has changed my life.

So when I hear people say that you just need to battle through it then they very clearly have not been to the very dark place that I have been.

And when I hear some people (generally therapists who have a service to sell) caution that I really don't want to be reliant on drugs - well the truth is I simply couldn't care less about taking a tiny white pill prior to a 'performance' - and the truth is that propranolol for a reasonably fit & healthy adult taken irregularly with the oversight of your doctor is harmless.

I urge anyone who feels hopeless and desparate to speak to their doctor and ask for propranolol - like I was told - life really is too short to be worrying som much about this. Help is available and it is in the form of a little white pill.


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## Drew (Jan 23, 2006)

Thanks for sharing your story!

I took a similar path where I tried every therapy I could and toastmasters. I was totally against taking medication. I found CBT and toastmasters to be very beneficial, but adding propranolol makes a huge difference in situations where I need to present in front of a large group.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Thank you for sharing your story.

I have been a toastmaster for over two years and attended over a 100 meetings and given over 30 speeches. Only now I am able to speak before an audience without much fear. That is a huge effort. 

I like your suggestion of using a small white pill to bail you out of some situations. As long as you do not become dependent on it. I will ask my doctor for a propranolol prescription to help me out when I need to speak before a huge audience.


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## mjhea0 (Oct 1, 2009)

I found a lot of myself in your words. Thanks for sharing!

I've been taking Propranolol, as needed, for a few months now. Unfortunately, it hasn't magically transformed me. It does help, though. It really cuts into the anxiety. Actually, it more like filters the anxiety. Anxiety is still there, it's just not as profound, in other words. So, instead of sweating or shaking or blushing, my external body is calm. My mind isn't saying, "Hey! You're sweating, so you must be anxious." Which reinforces the anxiety. 

Again, it has definitely helped, but the anxiety still begins in my head, with my negative thoughts. That's what I need to focus on to see long-term results.

I am happy that you found something that works for you!


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## Drew (Jan 23, 2006)

mjhea0 said:


> I found a lot of myself in your words. Thanks for sharing!
> 
> I've been taking Propranolol, as needed, for a few months now. Unfortunately, it hasn't magically transformed me. It does help, though. It really cuts into the anxiety. Actually, it more like filters the anxiety. Anxiety is still there, it's just not as profound, in other words. So, instead of sweating or shaking or blushing, my external body is calm. My mind isn't saying, "Hey! You're sweating, so you must be anxious." Which reinforces the anxiety.
> 
> ...


If you still are experiencing the anxious thoughts, CBT could be really beneficial. Another thing you could talk with your doctor about is combining Klonopin with Propranolol.


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## mjhea0 (Oct 1, 2009)

Drew said:


> If you still are experiencing the anxious thoughts, CBT could be really beneficial. Another thing you could talk with your doctor about is combining Klonopin with Propranolol.


I'm working with a talk therapist, focusing on mindfulness, and currently using Ativan with the Propranolol. I'm also doing CBT, yoga, and meditation.

I've been working hard this past year, and I'm starting to see results.

It's been great for me to utilize multiple interventions, as I've tried many of them separately. But I think there's hidden synergies that come out.


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## coolbeans87 (Feb 11, 2011)

awesome post


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## Bacon (Jul 4, 2010)

Nice! I should try this medication!


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