# Trouble accepting the way I look



## CarpenterScott14 (Nov 17, 2011)

I've always had trouble accepting the fact that I'm not very good-looking, and in fact am probably considerably under average. I've done everything I can to accept this fact, but can't seem to get over it. I don't seem to be able to hold onto a consistent image of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror at a favorable angle in a dim light and believe I look fantastic--and I'll stop myself there and spend my morning carefree, knowing that I can take advantage of my subconscious. Other times I will look in the mirror with a fuller light, or catch myself in a mirror at a clothing store, see that I am not so handsome after all, and get myself down the rest of the day.

I know it's the silliest thing, but I just can't seem to get it off my mind. When I talk to people, it's as if I have a second consciousness that's pulling my attention away from the conversation and towards this powerful insecurity. It makes even the thought of conversation seem unappealing. 

Other factors contribute to my social anxiety--the key enabler being that I'm just overly sensitive about anything and spend too much time inside my own head--but this is the biggest. Has anyone else had experience with this? What can I do to stop caring about the way I look?


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## Xande (Jul 18, 2011)

It's hard, therapy would probably help. I can't get over my height, i'm freaking 5'3" and 25 years old, there are 12 year olds taller than me which I find so embarrassing and makes me feel less of a man.

Know I need to get over this, but hard with people pointing it out


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## ermor90 (Oct 22, 2011)

I am like you, I guess...

For me I believe my insecurity with my appearance comes from when I was younger. My mother would comment on my appearance alot. I dont like her at all anymore, she's done alot of things thats hurted me, but one of them is commenting on my appearance from a young age... my nose, my chin etc. You get the picture.

Not necessarely negative all times, but it still made me start to feel strange about my face when I was like 13-14... since then its grown. I know theres others like me. I dont ever want to bring this on my anyone. Thats why I sworn to never judge others appearance and be shallow. Never!!


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## RockIt (Jan 8, 2011)

I can tell you with certainty that most guys who might become your friend care very little about how you look. I'd rather have a good friend who is average or below average looking than a great looking friend who is sometimes my friend and sometimes isn't. Women seeking relationships might initially care more, but there are many women around who will focus on the inside much more than the outside.


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## Ninetales (Jan 6, 2012)

Guys, guys.

Looks are nothing. You could even look like a freckin Tree Bark, people will think no diffrent of you. The only thing that is necessary is *confidence*. No matter how ugly or good you look (or assume you look). Confidence is the biggest factor people will like and respect you.

_True Story._


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## voospenvi2734 (Dec 2, 2010)

Is it friendship you're looking for? Looks play next to no part in that. I don't care how my friends look, if I get on well with them I don't care. It's not like I'm judging their attractiveness; that's not what I look for in friends.
If you mean relationship wise, and you truly aren't as good looking as some others (you may be judging yourself way too harshly and are not unattractive at all), then I would point out what Ninetales said. Looks play very little part. Personality and confidence are the main thing. I remember reading this survey of a bunch of woman asking what they found attractive. Confidence and sense of humor accounted for 75% of it, compared to looks which only were like 2 or 3% (wish I could remember what the source was). I'm just sayin work on your confidence and personality, the things you can change, way before you worry about appearance.


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## coyasso (Dec 21, 2003)

CarpenterScott14 said:


> I've always had trouble accepting the fact that I'm not very good-looking, and in fact am probably considerably under average. I've done everything I can to accept this fact, but can't seem to get over it. I don't seem to be able to hold onto a consistent image of myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror at a favorable angle in a dim light and believe I look fantastic--and I'll stop myself there and spend my morning carefree, knowing that I can take advantage of my subconscious. Other times I will look in the mirror with a fuller light, or catch myself in a mirror at a clothing store, see that I am not so handsome after all, and get myself down the rest of the day.
> 
> I know it's the silliest thing, but I just can't seem to get it off my mind. When I talk to people, it's as if I have a second consciousness that's pulling my attention away from the conversation and towards this powerful insecurity. It makes even the thought of conversation seem unappealing.
> 
> Other factors contribute to my social anxiety--the key enabler being that I'm just overly sensitive about anything and spend too much time inside my own head--but this is the biggest. Has anyone else had experience with this? What can I do to stop caring about the way I look?


You described my inner-experience to a 't.' I didn't know anyone else ever dealt with this. thank you for sharing. My only advice is this: control what you can, and don't worry about the rest. You can't control how you look. Mirrors and lighting create the illusion that sometimes you look better than other times, but really, it is your own self-evaluation that really matters, not that of others. Eat well, maintain a good weight, and don't' react against your negative self-evaluation. People don't judge you the way you judge yourself.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

IMO I look terrible in casual photos of me and have only had a few that looked good. It seems as I age I look worse (not in an older way, just the way my face changes) and I take less and less pictures because I hate them. I suppose I have some form of BDD.


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## Xande (Jul 18, 2011)

Crystalline said:


> IMO I look terrible in casual photos of me and have only had a few that looked good. It seems as I age I look worse (not in an older way, just the way my face changes) and I take less and less pictures because I hate them. I suppose I have some form of BDD.


umm if that's you in your profile pic, you def don't look bad at all, quite attractive I might add haha. I know you probably hear that a lot, but just had to point that out.


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## lightsout (Jan 8, 2012)

I can definitely sympathize with the OP. Also with anyone who feels bad but is at least partially "aware" it's in their head. Height-to-weight-to-body-frame-size (smaller) I'm doing fine, though when I was younger I was a deal heavier (and obviously shorter then too & less muscle). I don't know if this is the reason still feel this way, but I do. Sure, I can flex in front of a mirror once in a while and get a self-esteem boost, but most of the time I'm not happy with my image.

Face wise I guess I'm average (faces are so complex that there's different types that are attractive), but I *HATE* being in pictures. Even if it's of me w/other people doing something fun, I don't like the way I look in them. I try to step aside if possible, though that can come off as weird behavior to others. I got contacts when I found out I needed vision correction prior to HS because I didn't want to mess with my appearance anymore (I'll wear glasses when I'm at home or somewhere I don't care about like grocery shopping but I'll take them off if I picture taking breaks out).

It doesn't help when the people than tell you you're handsome (or in good shape or w/e) are your mom** or other middle-aged women :/. I can't say it'd be a cure all but I think I could feel better about it all to hear it from ladies your own age (bonus if you think they're attractive).

**part of how I am aware it's in my head, because hearing the compliments "hurts" me & makes me think "you're just lying to be nice" (which are classic signals of low self-esteem).


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

^ Well, I wouldn't be posting my pictures if they were bad ones or ones I thought were terrible :/ That's the thing though, I usually find only one or two decent in a pile of similar ones, and even then, I don't think they're highly attractive, just the best ones I have of myself.

(People with BDD often have approval-seeking habits like posting their best pictures, and I'm very much aware of this.)


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## NoEasyWayOut (Jan 9, 2012)

Listen, life ain't all sunshine and rainbows. Not everything is going to be handed to you. It's up to you, man. You can choose to be a victim of circumstance or make the effort to improve yourself...through fashion, through hygiene, through confidence oozing through your veins. It's up to you, life is what you make of it. I may not be a Tommy Hilfiger model or something, I'm stocky, and I take pride not only in looking my best (that which I can control). Besides, don't be so narcissistic, it will only consume you, and you will begin to pick out small things. This is a sign of a withering mind. Stay strong my friend. Do what you can do to improve your look, look good, feel good, know this.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

Just a quick note in defense of the OP, narcissism has nothing to do with BDD, which is a true psychiatric disorder. Can't tell for sure if he has something like this, but there are criteria for it that include how many hours a day a sufferer spends fixating on his/her appearance.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

I have always had trouble accepting the way i look. I sometimes can't look at my own photo's.


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## IcoRules (Apr 29, 2009)

I feel the same way. I can't find anything at all that anyone would find physically attractive about me and some days I'll think I look okay, but then others I'll feel insecure. Sorry I wasn't able to offer any help.


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

I cant tell if your ugly or not without a photo, but ugly people go out all the time so don't worry even if you are ugly (remember that people with sa usually think worse about themselves) most people won't care. If your like me and a tired, pale, skinny person who looks depressed all the time then that can be changed, I have no motovation to do so at the moment but ive never seen anyone who is strong be judged as ugly but the problem is getting there.


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