# I doubt a relationship solves anything



## bazinga (Jun 9, 2010)

*I doubt a relationship would solve anything anymore*

I feel like a waste of life. I'm very lonely.
I feel like I just need someone to love and things would turn around.
In reality, I'm sure it wouldn't. I'm losing touch.


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

To be in love with a women is the greatest feeling a man can have. I should know I've felt it before, pity she didn't feel the same way, if there is one thing I want to do before I die its find love., you shouldn't give up.


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## accepting myself (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm sorry you feel this way, and no a relationship will probably not solve things like your SA but it would make you have a better outlook of life in general and maybe feel a bit happier.

Like the above poster said do not give up keep looking for that special someone.

good luck ;-)


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## jlotz123 (Dec 11, 2009)

I think it would make me feel much better about myself, because I think the root of my anxiety is feeling out of place.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

a relationship is a short term partial fix to a long term problem. Wont help anything in the long run. Relationships are amazing but dont expect it to fix things. 

You have to look within and find where the root cause of your problem is. working on that will fix things.


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## BreakingtheGirl (Nov 14, 2009)

matty said:


> a relationship is a short term partial fix to a long term problem. Wont help anything in the long run. Relationships are amazing but dont expect it to fix things.
> 
> You have to look within and find where the root cause of your problem is. working on that will fix things.


smart man



bazinga said:


> I feel like a waste of life. I'm very lonely.
> I feel like I just need someone to love and things would turn around.
> In reality, I'm sure it wouldn't. I'm losing touch. Nothing's going to fix me. Guess I'm just waiting for the ride to be over.


:hug

I think that for me, personally, I sometimes wonder if I would only bring people down and add pain to their lives. I know I could also bring alot of love and happiness and good times but in order to do that, I have to continue working on the issues I have. I want passion and good times and not misery and dysfunction. I understand the need for a girlfriend and intimacy. Hell, I want that too (minus the girl) but it won't fix your issues. I am beginning to work on mine even more again. Finding love can do incredible things. It can add to such a huge intimate portion of your life, but I don't think it is a good idea to fall into the belief that it will change eveything. You would set yourself up for heartache that way.

I believe you can have sa and be in a relationship, of course, but to believe that that will be enough to fix you, I am not sure about.

Good luck. Dont give up.


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## Mc Borg (Jan 4, 2008)

matty said:


> a relationship is a short term partial fix to a long term problem. Wont help anything in the long run. Relationships are amazing but dont expect it to fix things.


I disagree. It's probably the best thing that's happened to me SA wise. I've been in a relationship for almost a full year now, and I've been the happiest I've ever been. It's funny, because I was one of those "You don't have SA if you're in a relationship" people. lol I thought I would always be alone. I proved myself wrong.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

The more appropriate thread title would be that relationships don't solve everything. 

If you can find a woman who is patient enough to get to know everything about you (SA and all), and still love you and be your best friend as well as your girlfriend, I think that can be a major step in the right direction.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

Mc Borg said:


> I disagree. It's probably the best thing that's happened to me SA wise. I've been in a relationship for almost a full year now, and I've been the happiest I've ever been. It's funny, because I was one of those "You don't have SA if you're in a relationship" people. lol I thought I would always be alone. I proved myself wrong.


Good to hear. I hope it all works out for you and you continue to progress with your sa.

I am not denying you wont be happy. But it wont resolve any issues. That was the question. I found a 6 year relationship the perfect conditions to get comfy and slide under a rock. For sa to take over. I left because I was no longer happy, granted we were great friends but probably not lovers after the first 3 years. And as great as that long term relationship was, providing stability. Outside the house was a completely different matter. A relationship is only a small part to most peoples problems. Sure getting love and support will help boost confidence and self esteem, but that doesnt help much to deal with people day in, day out. If one person loves you does that mean that people will see you in a different light?

I have dated a girl for 7 months since then and it was incredible, I felt great. But it didnt help anything. I was the same person inside, just a happier shell.

I agree a relationship will bring you happiness but does it help to solve anything? Currently has it helped you? How much? take away your relationship, where would you be?

I am happy for you and 12 months is a good number, I wish you and your partner the best of luck in the future, you are a lucky guy


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I doubt you are incorrect, friend.


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## so_so_shy (Sep 5, 2005)

It doesn't solve anything? Nah, more like it doesn't solve everything. But you say you need somebody to love and you are lonely, so it will solve those 2 things!


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## shale (Jul 24, 2010)

I think relationships are sort of like medication - they can do wonders for you if you use them the right way and continue to work on yourself. But if you use it the wrong way and assume it will magically solve all of your problems without putting anymore effort into it, you will be sorely disappointed.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I agree, I doubt a relationship would change me. I'd probably be the same insecure person I was before, only with another insecure person.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Relationships changed me by providing access to social networks and therefore practise at social skills and access to more experiences. However, they did not increase my happiness or wellbeing. Usually the contrary, leaving me more stressed out and, with one of my ex's, much more disabled and dependent.


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## Lachlan (Jul 3, 2008)

Interesting opinions. 


matty said:


> If one person loves you does that mean that people will see you in a different light?


It may make you feel as though people see you in a different light.

I would like to add that it is the way i felt, that was so great in a relationship. I think it can make a big difference on SA if your feeling good, and you have someone who is a companion.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

matty said:


> Good to hear. I hope it all works out for you and you continue to progress with your sa.
> 
> I am not denying you wont be happy. But it wont resolve any issues. That was the question. I found a 6 year relationship the perfect conditions to get comfy and slide under a rock. For sa to take over. I left because I was no longer happy, granted we were great friends but probably not lovers after the first 3 years. And as great as that long term relationship was, providing stability. Outside the house was a completely different matter. A relationship is only a small part to most peoples problems. Sure getting love and support will help boost confidence and self esteem, but that doesnt help much to deal with people day in, day out. If one person loves you does that mean that people will see you in a different light?
> 
> ...


I agree. I've had the same experience with my relationship, in that it has made me feel happier and more optimistic generally but has done nothing to change the severity of my SA or lack of confidence when I'm not with my partner. I'm happy for those people who have found that being in a relationship _has_ lessened their social anxiety, but I think it can definitely be dangerous to presume that finding a partner will solve, or even improve your issues. Most of the people in relationships I've spoken to about this have tended to agree that their depression has lessened, but that the anxiety is still there and ultimately the same.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

In this context, we are talking, I assume, about being in a relationship with another person. Depending upon the psychological parasite in play, being in a relationship with another person can do a lot of good things. Mainly because it allows positive thoughts and opinions about the self to develop moorings in the external world. If self hatred is in play, the existence of a romantic partner (or whatever the relationship is) is a pretty big counter to the previously constant notion that: "nobody loves me".

Then there's the validation of the self thing. The: "look, I'm in a relationship so I must be an attractive person and you should treat me as one".

Not everybody does that. But it can happen. You can get a lot of positive things from being in a relationship but can you keep hold of them if and when the relationship ends. All relationships have their time.

A lot of people can't understand my feelings of being "unattractive" or "ugly". I've dated and been in relationships with a lot of "good looking" women. Did that change my view of myself? Not really. Indeed, my last long term relationship buckled and fell largely because I refused to accept that her love was real. She just couldn't get through the belief systems that imprisoned me.

There's also the dark attraction thing going on with me where I'm attracted to very intense personalities that match my own and when I get together with people like that we really don't give much of anything what happens. I watched my ex burn her bridges with people she had previously really cared about and then look at me as if I were weak for having a problem with what she was doing.

And the not so well kept secret that if I didn't dislike myself as much as I do at my core then I wouldn't end up in those kind of destructive relationships in the first place. Yes, the sex is great. But that's mostly because we're burning up our personalities in each other's atmospheres.

The darkness is not afraid of your cute new boyfriend or hot new girlfriend. It is, however, afraid of love. Love the self first. I know this is the trap because a lot of people seem to seek permission to love themselves from other people. I know I have. But flick the validation switch and bring it internal and you enhance your relationship with yourself and with others.

And remember the relationship with your purpose. I once came up with the dodgy but slightly poetic chat up line of: "I orbit around you". She happened to be in a good mood and, since the last guy had asked her about her bra size, she found it novel and intriguing. But fact of the matter is the other person slots into an already ongoing life. My Dad did not stop being my dad when he met my Mum and my Mum did not stop being my Mum when she met my dad.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

joinmartin said:


> In this context, we are talking, I assume, about being in a relationship with another person.


Most likely; "objectum sexuality" and zoophilia are uncommon.


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## Arkturus (Dec 10, 2006)

I think it depends on the person, for some people a relationship will be a major help to them, for others it will do nothing. It's also important that the relationship be a good one or there isn't likely to be a benefit.

In my case SA has only caused one serious problem for me, the lack of a significant other. So for me this would be the solution as it is the only part of my life that is seriously lacking.


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

PGVan said:


> The more appropriate thread title would be that relationships don't solve everything.
> 
> If you can find a woman who is patient enough to get to know everything about you (SA and all), and still love you and be your best friend as well as your girlfriend, I think that can be a major step in the right direction.


I'd have a better chance of getting struck by lightning or winning the lottery.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Relationships have the potential to make things worse if you date someone without anxiety issues. Even if they're sensitive to yours (which they should be) you're still on different wavelengths in terms of how you want to spend your spare time. You may worry about holding them back sometimes from social events where they don't want to just ditch you at home despite all reassurances that that's what you'd prefer! It's complicated. Sure it's a boost for the ego to have someone love you romantically. But as I said, it's complicated.


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

While it may teach you something or force you to do something outside your comfort zone relationships cause more complications not less. All the problems in life continue to happen plus the occasional or sometimes frequent issues that deal with the other person. However finding someone willing to let you stay a hermit with no social skills is uncommon so it may force your SA to improve a little. The entire thing could also finish crushing your self confidence. No 2 relationships are the same or have the same outcome and impact. They can be good, bad, or somewhere in the middle.


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## P312 (Apr 17, 2010)

I used to think that being in a relationship will solve all my problems. Now I know that it won't be that way. Sure, having a girlfriend will be great. Ive never being in a relationship so it will be great for me, I will improve my confidence and self steem, I will be more comfortable around my friends (most of them have gf)

However it takes a lot of effort to overcome SA. There's no easy way out of it. So, I don't it will solve everything, it will just help a little bit.


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

Speaking from personal experience, even good relationships are not a "solution" for social anxiety. I agree with others who have said they provide only a short-term fix; the chemical rush of being in a new relationship can certainly work wonders if you're feeling depressed. And if you're with a caring, loving person, they may improve your self-esteem and overall happiness, which is good of course. But, in general, if you don't work to take care of your own problems, they will resurface eventually. You should never rely on others to make you happy or fix your problems, only you have the ability to do that (not to sound like a self-help book or anything! haha)


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## g0t Anxiety (May 16, 2010)

I'd have a better chance of getting struck by lightning and winning the lottery at the same time.


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## g0t Anxiety (May 16, 2010)

*


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## hiimnotcool (Apr 28, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> Seeking happiness in people and things outside of oneself is going to result in disappointment. You might be able to change the filter in your head with the help of exterior things. However, you can't just jump into a relationship and all of a sudden have the inner strength, peace, and happiness to be emotionally resilient enough to deal with the ups and downs life throws at you -- at least, long term.
> 
> The point should be to be self fulfilled with an amount of love that exceeds what you can just give yourself any longer. This way you don't burden or bring others down by draining them of their own emotional energy in a desperate attempt to build up your own.
> 
> Some people become addicted to the rush of the infatuation phase. It can really boost you up high. However, this phase is highly impermanent, as is everything, and you may find yourself experiencing the pain of this rush ending. Inner stability would teach one not to just jump ship whenever some pain enters the relationship. So many people enter into miserable relationships because they expected the other person to fulfill themselves. It simply doesn't work that way. Don't enter a relationship expecting a crutch!


Perfect ****ing response.


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## jennlynne5 (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm married and my SA has improved enormously since he's been in my life. It's true that it doesn't solve everything, though. I still have a ton of issues that my husband has to deal with. You will still always need to come up with your own self motivation and will...no one can force you to change.


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## disarmonia mundi (Jan 12, 2010)

Relationships make me feel amazing.... only have had 1... but brief, minor and one-sided (my side) as it was, it still pulled me higher out of the SA rut than I had ever been before... came close to making friends with her friends, had someone to hang out with... a few times anyway, I had people commenting on how changed I was, more talkative how the 'real me began to appear' yadda yadda **** it all.


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## anon123 (Aug 24, 2010)

seafolly said:


> Relationships have the potential to make things worse if you date someone without anxiety issues. Even if they're sensitive to yours (which they should be) you're still on different wavelengths in terms of how you want to spend your spare time. You may worry about holding them back sometimes from social events where they don't want to just ditch you at home despite all reassurances that that's what you'd prefer!


i am quite eager to go out with someone :time

by myself it's another story
might not want to even leave the house


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

I don't think that it's a cure for SA, but I do beleive that if you had someone to share your thoughts & feelings with you could start to get better.


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## Georgina 22 (Jan 4, 2009)

I am and some of you know that I am in a relationship with someone from this site and we recently met up in reallife. Despite being on the other side of the world to each other and we are in a long distance relationship, he makes me feel good and it's nice to have someone to love and care for and talk about my problems with. He's given me confidence and since I met him, and before we met in reallife, I was able to do stuff I feared doing before. 
It's lovely being in a relationship and it does make you feel good and happy. I used to be depressed before I met him but then he's come along and brought sunshine to my life and someone to live for and maybe a future too. My SA is mild now since I have been with him.


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## forever_dreamer (Jul 8, 2008)

XxArmyofOnexX said:


> I'd have a better chance of getting struck by lightning or winning the lottery.


me too lol


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## majrmsa (Aug 1, 2010)

To have a dynamic and healthy relationship. I think a person must be comfortable alone, if you are not comfortable in your own company. There is a great danger that you will end up hanging around with the wrong people and worse than that you will end up dating the wrong girl or guy because out of fear of being alone. 

Once you realize you enjoy your own company most dates are not worth having. It is then that you discover a hot bath/shower and a good book are better than most dates.

Too many people end up in the wrong relationships because they are not comfortable with themselves and are scared to be alone.

With that being said, relationships are extraordinary. My longest relationship lasted three years with a girl I loved. She ended up moving out of state for college.:blank This was about five years ago so time has healed my wounds. I am confident though, love will come again for me.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

No,it doesn't change anything when it comes to SA.
For me it let my SA grow back to it's full strength so at the beginning of this year I had severe anxiety and was ready to break up with my boyfriend because I was so frustrated with everything.
After some time apart(and I was so sure that it was the end of the relationship) where I had to work on my SA we slowly found back to each other.
Finding love can be a great thing,but a relationship needs a lot of work to actually survive years and years.It can give you a lot of joy,but you are still you.You still have SA so that won't change.

I hope that I won't let myself be lazy again,because I think that my relationship is better now that I feel better about myself.The relationship sure is better when both are feeling content.


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## bazinga (Jun 9, 2010)

seafolly said:


> Relationships have the potential to make things worse if you date someone without anxiety issues. Even if they're sensitive to yours (which they should be) you're still on different wavelengths in terms of how you want to spend your spare time. You may worry about holding them back sometimes from social events where they don't want to just ditch you at home despite all reassurances that that's what you'd prefer! It's complicated. Sure it's a boost for the ego to have someone love you romantically. But as I said, it's complicated.


bingo


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## bazinga (Jun 9, 2010)

bkitty1 said:


> Speaking from personal experience, even good relationships are not a "solution" for social anxiety. I agree with others who have said they provide only a short-term fix; the chemical rush of being in a new relationship can certainly work wonders if you're feeling depressed. And if you're with a caring, loving person, they may improve your self-esteem and overall happiness, which is good of course. But, in general, if you don't work to take care of your own problems, they will resurface eventually. You should never rely on others to make you happy or fix your problems, only you have the ability to do that (not to sound like a self-help book or anything! haha)


yep that really what I've been working on, is facing my own problems. Problem is I'm rather doomed to be single with my current lifestyle.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I find they make me feel better when I'm able to care and give. Perhaps a way to know whether it would be right for you is if the focus is more on wanting to give and knowing you won't necessarily receive.

I was able to give in my last relationship and hope it still turned out better for her knowing me than not. I don't feel my love was accepted, however. Most people cannot accept love, even when they love you. However, just being loved does heal certain wounds. Although it was hard and exacerbated my mental health issues, like the other ones, I noticed how much I'd grown up. I was also aware of it being the best one so far because I had reciprocal feelings of love this time. So, things can and do change in this area. I never even expected to have relationships.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

bazinga said:


> I feel like a waste of life. I'm very lonely.
> I feel like I just need someone to love and things would turn around.
> In reality, I'm sure it wouldn't. I'm losing touch.


Well, from a positive perspective, being in a relationship will teach you things and possibly give you some experience and confidence, but it may also mundane the whole thing as well, which is typical for a lot of people I think-too much of something becomes mundane.

Relationships are more work and more complications. It can be good, sure, but you have to imagine putting up with your partner's bull**** all the time, and everyone has bull****.

Being in love is a good thing. I never been "in love" with a girl but I imagine it wouldn't be anything too far off from what I experience being single. I'm getting to the point where I feel if I feel too euphoric about someone then I'm probably emotionally unstable (lol), to be honest. I'd probably just want to bang the other person all the time and respect her at the same time. To me, that is being in love with a woman. What else would it be?


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## InThe519 (Sep 21, 2009)

bazinga said:


> I feel like a waste of life. I'm very lonely.
> I feel like I just need someone to love and things would turn around.
> In reality, I'm sure it wouldn't. I'm losing touch.


A relationship is not a band-aid for a miserable life. A relationship is an accent to an already happy and fulfilling existence.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

If you don't know what is wrong with you, then you could end up in one bad relationship after another.
The more we focus on improving ourselves, the better our outlook and what we look for in future relationships.


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