# I'm very scared of my parents and from people in general



## Haruchilol (Jul 18, 2017)

Hello,
English is not my native language, so please be patient with me if I did any kind of grammatical errors or typos. 

My problem is huge , i don't know where to start from. I will just write them as they come to me .

My parents are kinda abusive . They always abuse me emotionally and from time to time they even get physical. They treat me like a robot who has to do everything they say in the way the like. I should not have any ideas they dislike and I should always be the perfect girl who does everything perfectly ( in there definition of perfection ).

This lead me to hate my self and hate them and hate everything. I became weak and scared of people. I have low self-esteem and I'm not confident in my self . I didn't have my own opinions on things , like I could agree with anyone's ideas and change my mind quickly cuz I can't seem to think for my own.

Now that I grew up, I got a bit better at having my own ideas , however, the problem only gets worse.
My way of thinking is very different . I do things that they see wrong .but in my eyes I'm doing what is right .
I have lots of things I wanna do but they don't let me . 

Actually they don't know the real me , cuz I'm scared of them knowing me . I feel like they would hate me if they knew me . I always get very nervous before asking them anything or even before talking with them.I'm afraid they will refuse the things I wanna do ( they already say no to me alot ) . I'm afraid they will yell at me or even worse , hit me.

I have very painful memories about them. I got traumatized by lots of thing they did to me . The bad stuff they did keeps haunting me till this say ( I'm 18 now , turning 19 after few months by the way).

I get very scared when they call my name. I even feel like crying just when they start yelling. I usually don't ask them anything until I really have to . Being scared of there reaction let me to start a very bad habit , which is lying. I always lie on them so they let me do what I want . I hate being like this but I'm just scared of telling them the truth. I don't want to hear there rejection. 

When I was small, I used to close the door too hard after me if I'm upset from my parents . When ever I do that my dad always comes to me yelling so hard and shouting at me threatening to hit me , he thinks that I'm challenging him by doing this ,Even when I do it by mistake . I tell him crying it was a mistake but he doesn't listen and keep yelling at me and cursing me and raising his hands to hit me .
Now that I'm older I still get traumatized by this moment . When ever someone closes the door too hard I get scared, i feel like my dad will enter the door and start shouting at me once again. I also sometimes screen at the people who close the door hard and tell them ' DON'T SLAM THE DOOR HARD !!!!!!!' 
I just feel like crying. Like literally...

This is only one moment of the countless times I was scared of my parents. 
I get scared so easily now thanks to them .
Any small sound can freak me out .
When I was small they would screen at me if they called me but I didn't come to them even if I said that I didn't gear them , now I always imagine that I hear them calling me and run to see them but figure out that they did not . I always get scared when I put headphones on that I could miss it when they yell me name. I have many phobias and I am scared of people. 
I don't like to see them or meet them . I feel like I can sense the evilness in there eyes . 

I was a people pleaser as a child because I had to watch for my parents mood for my safety. I got bullied from 1st year till 10th grade . It got better at highschool as I got a bit bigger.
I'm not now a people pleaser how ever I still care and get scared of peoples opinions of me .
This troubles me so much as it makes it hard for me to build my confidence and my character.

Saying yes to every thing they said as a child lead me to do the total opposite now . I screen at them now and refuse some stuff but it ends up in a big fight . Once dad was going to kick me out of house . 
I got so defensive and I can't trust people easily as I become afraid they will use me or hurt me .

I just listed small percentage of what I have seen from them . 
I wanna leave them for good but I'm scared. They will take it hard . They will hate me for life . They will haunt me to kill me and I'm sure they will not let me alone .

Now I'm living in a country that don't help abused children. They don't arrest abusive parents. 
ActuallyI don't wanna arrest them I just want them leave me alone.

But what is worse is what they will do to my siblings after me .
I have a bigger sister and small brother . They will suffer the most form my parents if I left them behind. I don't want to be selfish. 
They are my everything. If they were not here I could be died long time ago .
But I can't handle the stress and fear . I'm so confused.

I feel like I will be stuck with them for ever. I tried to love them but they always keep showing me there ugly side.
Even if I dislike then I don't wish them anything bad. Im afraid they will get sick if I left them . I don't want them to think I'm a bad daughter and I left them because now they are old and I don't want to take there responsibility. 
The people will talk about my family and they will get hurt . I don't wish them harm .
I just want us to live in harmony .why is it so hard .

I feel helpless I feel like dying so badly .

What should I do ? How to stop being scared of them ?


----------



## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

Hey, I am very sorry your parents are this strict you and seem to have little care in the world for your opinions and your well being. I don't think you can change your parents. The only advice I can give you is to get away from your parents. Don't cut contact completely, but keep it to a minimum. I understand finding another place to live isn't something you can do over night but it in my opinion it should definitely be a plan you should try to put to life as soon as possible.


----------



## Haruchilol (Jul 18, 2017)

I don't think I can get far from them any time soon. They don't even let me go anywhere without them, let alone let me go so far from them and not contact them often . Aside from that, they will definitely see that as a sign that I don't love them and they will not talk to me anymore, or even worse, not let me meet with my siblings. 
I know I have to be patient and endure for my siblings, however, I just can't get the idea or running away fade. It crosses my mind multiple times a day .I can't help it.
I can't bare the idea of staying with them nor the idea of leaving my beloved siblings. 
I wanna be strong so their words won't trouble me anymore, but it seems hard. I don't know where to start I'm so confused. 
I can't even stand my self, let others aside .


----------



## Iselez (Jul 14, 2017)

You're making excuses, your siblings with or without you will survive, leave, make a life and then bring your siblings along, if you stay you just suffer with them, you're not helping them. My older sister is 35 and my younger brother is 30, they still live with my mom, i left just 2 years ago, don't waste your life like me. And yes, they'll stop talking to you and thats the best part of leaving for me 

Enviado desde mi Nexus 6P mediante Tapatalk


----------



## BaskaBirKedi (Aug 3, 2017)

From your post, it seems we have a lot in common in the way we were treated by parents. I don't know your exact problem, but I can understand the fear of my parents even when they just called my name. Whenever I see them, I feel scared. I've had very low self-esteem at times but what helped me to understand them better is a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Also researching about toxic people and narcissists in general. Then you can try to educate your siblings about this as well.

If you can, as soon as you can, please move out or go to post-secondary if possible. If you can, get a job and save up money. 

Someone else already said this, but your siblings can and will be ok if you leave your toxic parents. Just support them as much as you can, even from a distance if possible. Sorry if I don't understand your issues and this doesn't help, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Sorry to hear that


----------

