# My Goal to defeat fear



## Zeeshan

I am 27 years 7 months old, i suffer from anxiety, anxiety that normal people don't experience, they experience excitement. 

Before the start of August my life was not a very good life. I dont want to go into details, i have let go of that past. It wasn’t a bad life either, but it was one where i constantly felt shame, anger towards myself, I felt a lot of unworthiness, I was restricted. I had a feeling, a feeling that I am sure a lot of people here can relate to. It’s a feeling that is inside all the time. It never leaves you. It makes you take pills and alcohol just so you can have some rest away from it. It’s a feeling of being nothing, a feeling of emptiness. A feeling where you don’t enjoy anything because that feeling is always there. Whatever I have felt, I would not wish my life as punishment on even my enemy, or even the worst criminals. Yet I lived through it every day. In my early twenties I tried just about everything to make myself normal. Dedicated myself to self help programs, meditation, medication, read all sorts of books, tried methods, prayed, but in the end my life didn’t change because I was tied down with this feeling. I knew the kind of life I wanted, I had the resources, and yet I was always tied down. I don’t want to dwell much on the past, now I rarely think about the past. In those days all I did was regret the past. I would also fantasize a lot about the future, how good it would be, and everyone would be so jealous of my life, and how when this or that happens then my life will be great. 
In August my life changed, and eyes were opened. Two events happened in my life. I lost someone close to me (she didn’t die, she just moved on with her life and got married.) and I gave up masturbation. I decided that I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I decided that Masturbation was no different than any other fantasy. If my body was to understand the state its in, then I can no longer feed it fantasies of the future of any kind. It had to accept the present. Every cell In my body had to accept that this was the present condition. 
Over the next few weeks of August and Septmeber things began to change for me. I Gave up any kind of self help or ideas I was working on. I just said to myself, its time to accept the present. This is it. No more lying to myself. No such thing as hope. No believing in a God that will fix things for me. No believing in faith or destiny. I was unemployed, so I started roaming the streets a bit, just to empty my mind. I stopped watching excessive TV that I watched before. I stopped spending hours on the internet browsing nonsense. As I got deeper into September, the truth came to me, and that truth was simple. Its you, its all you, its all on you. No one will help you. No one will show you how. You came into this world alone, and you will die alone. And if you want to have the life you want, you have to do it. I began to understand that. Its almost as if letting go of all those things that kept me tied up, I came to terms with my aloneness. I also came upon another universal truth that applies to all humans, our goal on this planet is to survive, and procreate. Yet clearly at the age of 27, I had barely survived and had virtually no relationship with a woman. And I also came upon my enemy. FEAR. FEAR had done this to me. I traced back all the events of my life, and realized all of them went wrong because of FEAR. All my regrets because I didn’t do what I wanted to because of FEAR. It all became so clear over time. 

So where am I Today. Well for the first time in my life, I have been able to approach a women. I have done so a couple of times, and I know this, I will be able to do it again. I was confident in all my job interviews, for the first time in my life. It resulted in me getting an amazing very well analyst position, that the HR Person told me was because in the interviewed I showed amazing communication skills. I start Monday, and boy am I scared. I am scared a lot. Even though I am fully qualified, even though past experiences tell me that I will excel at the position, I am still scared. However I no longer have regrets, they have disappeared. Its like my entire body has realized that we are looking ahead now. Every cell in my body is looking ahead I can feel it. 
My dreams have changed. In the past I would have regretful dreams, dreams about past situations where I have failed, being in school, being in older places I lived. Now however I really focus and try to remember my dreams have a newness to them. Some of them are even about meeting women, or my new job, or falling in love, they are more like what dreams are suppose to be when you’re a kid, about how your life will be.
What I really wanted to say in this post, that I have identified the enemy. That enemy is fear. It is the only enemy that I must overcome. I trust myself that the actions I take are for the best of me, but the fear is strong. 
What I know is this, every time I let the fear win, like a blob it grows stronger, but every time I defeat it just a little, I can sense its weakness. The key is not to cope with fear with alcohol or drugs, its to face it head on. That and That is my goal.
My new job will allow me the finances to finally build the life I want. A career, a car, a condo, friends, a girlfriend, and I know I want all those things. I am so clear on them, I will not lose my sigth. I have lost all interest in television, movies, video games, pornography, useless web browsing, even sports. They do nothing for me now. 
My happiness relies on me destroying this fear. That and that is the only way I will ever be happy. It will be a constant battle between me and it. 
So in this goal setting thread, I will give the fear 334 points, 1 point for every month I have lived under its rule. My goal Is simple, every time I overcome a fear full situation, I will take a point away, every time I give into the fear, I will give the fear 1 point. The criteria is simple, if I feel in my heart that I should do something, something that will lead me to the life I want; then that is the situation that fear comes into play. If I give into the fear and not do it, I will increase the the total by 1. If I face the situation, regardless of how it goes, if I overcome the fear, I will reduce the total by 1. 
I might not get the chance to post everyday, but for me this is by far the most important thread that I have ever made. This is a declaration of my fight against fear,
In some philosophical sense, my life is about to begin.


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## Zeeshan

arrghh score one for fear...335 points


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## Allthingsarepossible

that was a very eloquent post, and you sound like you have a lot of potential. i can identify word for word with what you said. ive also given up alcohol and video games recently and im working on giving up tv and porn. these addictions created out of fear have held me back through my teens and twenties and im not going to give into it anymore. its ruined my life thus far. keep up the battle against these things and against fear. dont ever let it get in the way of another job or relationship. one last thing i can say is you need to keep trusting in god, dont let your faith go because he is the only one who is there when nobody else is and hes the only one that will continue to bless you. trust me.


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## matty

I only read half of it because I have to go but I will finish it later and reply properly. So far, congrats on making change in your life.


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## Zeeshan

did something on an impulse that i thought i would say no to, said yes instead

-1

334 points


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## matty

how long have you been keeping score for? 

I still need to reply


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## matty

Disregard the last msg. I still had not finished reading your post. Been busy. 

Just finished reading. Very interesting. You may have given me the motivation make change in my life. I know what I need to change, just lack the drive. 

Good to see you are doing well and have a solid plan in place. Not just that but the belief and commitment to follow it. Wish I was you. Give me time.


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## Zeeshan

matty said:


> Disregard the last msg. I still had not finished reading your post. Been busy.
> 
> Just finished reading. Very interesting. You may have given me the motivation make change in my life. I know what I need to change, just lack the drive.
> 
> Good to see you are doing well and have a solid plan in place. Not just that but the belief and commitment to follow it. Wish I was you. Give me time.


Great! Follow my plan too

Went to a social thing at work, that i was dreading but in the end said yet

-1
= 333


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## Zeeshan

I learned something today, whether i can hold on to it or not we will see

I learned that fear is only greatest in anticipation, when the even arrives, it rarely holds any power. Fear wins by making you give up even before the situation comes up.

However if you just hold on till the event comes, fear is replaced by other chemicals


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## Zeeshan

matty said:


> Disregard the last msg. I still had not finished reading your post. Been busy.
> 
> Just finished reading. Very interesting. You may have given me the motivation make change in my life. I know what I need to change, just lack the drive.
> 
> Good to see you are doing well and have a solid plan in place. Not just that but the belief and commitment to follow it. Wish I was you. Give me time.


The only advice i can give you is dont fall for any kind of self help book or program or religious belief that everything will be okay

Only Action matters. Only Action matters.


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## _AJ_

only action matters!

I love your plan! u remind me of myself in the way you talk(declaring war on fear) and what you do to fight it. I too faced fear. I used to dedicated myself to self help programs, meditation, books, tried methods and prayed as well. I was your age and alone too, I started taking action like crazy. now im 29 and got a career, 2 cars, friends, a beautiful girlfriend whos really funny, and am the envy of everyone.
only action matters!


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## matty

Zeeshan said:


> I learned something today, whether i can hold on to it or not we will see
> 
> I learned that fear is only greatest in anticipation, when the even arrives, it rarely holds any power. Fear wins by making you give up even before the situation comes up.
> 
> However if you just hold on till the event comes, fear is replaced by other chemicals


Very true, our thoughts and anticipation of an even, situation, interaction is almost always of the worst case. Which in my experience rarely happens. It is all about more doing and less thinking.


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## matty

Zeeshan said:


> The only advice i can give you is dont fall for any kind of self help book or program or religious belief that everything will be okay
> 
> Only Action matters. Only Action matters.


I dont believe that religion can fix everything and I dont believe in a book or program which tells you everything will be ok. I have made huge progress and done amazing things. All I am lacking is motivation right now. Which I am slowly gaining. I think the motivation is gone due to diet, exercise, sleep pattern and poor environment, just leads to me feel down. Which I have corrected two. Need to sort out my sleep, which I started last night. And my environment, which I can do tomorrow or sunday.


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## matty

_AJ_ said:


> only action matters!
> 
> I love your plan! u remind me of myself in the way you talk(declaring war on fear) and what you do to fight it. I too faced fear. I used to dedicated myself to self help programs, meditation, books, tried methods and prayed as well. I was your age and alone too, I started taking action like crazy. now im 29 and got a career, 2 cars, friends, a beautiful girlfriend whos really funny, and am the envy of everyone.
> only action matters!


You both Remind me of me. Just not the me right now. One thing which I have learnt over time that it is a cycle. I build up, make huge strides. Then need a break, all becomes too much. Lose a little. Then build up further. Bust, lose a little. On and on. Right now I am in a break stage, of about a month. I think I am about to take off again. I have been doing this for over 2 years.


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## Zeeshan

dissapointing couple of days, not doing anything lately, Got a bad cold and dealing with new job

sucks


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## Kusjmamire

I don't have a big problem with porn or something, now i watch it once per week, when i was 13-14-15 years old i would watch it every day though 

"Quitting porn" isn't some kind of wonder cure like you say, but i do notice that after 2 weeks of not looking to porn at all, i get more passionate. Not that i feel less anxious, but the beauty of life (and women) inspire and motivate me more to keep myself busy working on my life and SA.

So yes, letting behind pornography is a good thing, but i don't think its the magic bullet for most.

Just my two cents,
Love your story by the way! I imagine your life like some 50 Cent videoclip Hustler's Ambition  Nice read really

Good luck brother


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## Zeeshan

-1 = 332

took a very nice step. 

There is this girl i wanna ask out, but i never see her, so i asked another girl about her.


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## CaptainAwesome

I want to just be able to walk infront of people, minding my own business, feeling good with myself, thinking good, simple thoughts, connecting to myself, and just that.


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## Zeeshan

Zeeshan said:


> -1 = 332
> 
> took a very nice step.
> 
> There is this girl i wanna ask out, but i never see her, so i asked another girl about her.


So in reference to that i worked up the nerve to ask this girl for a cup of coffee, and barely got it out

-1 = 331


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## BoringBum

Zeeshan said:


> So in reference to that i worked up the nerve to ask this girl for a cup of coffee, and barely got it out
> 
> -1 = 331


well what did she say?


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## Zeeshan

BoringBum said:


> well what did she say?


oh she gave me her number, good i guess but i wasnt good with how the convo went i was way too nervous,


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## BoringBum

Zeeshan said:


> oh she gave me her number, good i guess but i wasnt good with how the convo went i was way too nervous,


Wow man, great. Keep posting - I think you are doing a very good job.


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## Zeeshan

BoringBum said:


> Wow man, great. Keep posting - I think you are doing a very good job.


Yea well its tuesday and i still havent called her. I feel i am just not good on the phone, i dont want to have to resort to texting but i see no other choice.


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## BoringBum

Zeeshan said:


> Yea well its tuesday and i still havent called her. I feel i am just not good on the phone, i dont want to have to resort to texting but i see no other choice.


call her and subtract one more point!:yes


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## Zeeshan

Awesome day today, Gonna be taking 3 points off

1 for a really scary thing i did at work by assserting myself perfectly
1 for calling a girl, though it went to her voicemail, but doesnt matter, it matters that i made the effort
and 1 for another scary personal thing i did

so were down to 328, and you know what, i dont think i have ever felt this optimistic


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## Zeeshan

Another plus plus day

2 points off for today, 326

feeling fine


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## Zeeshan

2 more points today

cant mention what i did, but it was very very cool and awesome

:clap


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## alte

We are both about the same age. Good luck to you. What have you found most helpful to help achieve your goals? Seems like you have tried a lot of different things.


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## Zeeshan

mucuna pruriens with green tea extract, and um some lifestyle changes

Changed my life, maybe my problem was always a lack of dopamine


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## alte

Zeeshan said:


> mucuna pruriens with green tea extract, and um some lifestyle changes


Can you explain a bit more? How helpful is the green tea extract with the pruriens? Anything in particular about the lifestyle changes?


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## Zeeshan

So i have kept a private count, and i took 5 actions in the last few days that allow me to take a point off

that puts me at 319

The way things are today, are much better then mere months ago. I want to make a distinction that i have realized to myself. there is a difference between hope and optimism. 

I think Hope is of very little use, and misleading. Where as Optimism is base upon the actualities of life. I am very optimistic now, so much so that i no longer feel empty

I ran out of mucuna prueriens and my next supply hasnt come in. While there are no withdrawal effects, i am noticing a lack of motivation again. Also i miss that extra kick that allows me to take those actions.

Things are just different now, I am optimistic it will last.


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## matty

I am in a far better place now too. I am not exactly keeping track with points but I do notice a higher level of self confidence and self esteem. I am a lot more comfortable in situations.


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## Zeeshan

-1 = 318

went to a new breakfast place i've always wanted to go to


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## Zeeshan

The last few days have not been good. Nothing seems to be happening, and things have become stagnant. 

Its disappointing really, i want to make things happen, but its gotten cold all of a sudden which makes everything a million times more difficult for me. Its like everytime you go outside its freezing, you have to dress different.

This is like the low before the high, i hope


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## Zeeshan

-3 = 315

Since this has become a sort of a journal i guess i should continue 

Well things have just been down down, and i have been feeling down as well, as of late

I feel unlike last month, when there was so much happening, and i felt like there was so much positive momentum, now things have come to a standstill. I am doing well at work, but that is just about it.

I have energy and i have been working out hard. I have also decided to become a certified personal trainer, i dont look like one, but i want to learn everything about fitness. Partly i just want to go back to school part time. 

I am really trying to be optimistic about december


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## Zeeshan

Let me just say that though it may appear that way i have not given up on myself, or this....rather the contrary i feel i am in a better position now then i have ever been in my entire life. 

I think the biggest change in me now, then prior, is that now i just dont buy into anything. Whether its things like meditation or drugs, or anything, i am not able to fool myself. Its like i am real for the first time in my life. And thats what its really about. Change is about becoming what you oughta have been in their first place if your mind wasnt messed up by this world.

I stopped keeping track of the point system, yes, its true.....and the worst part is when i think back on the months of October and November, i did things for the first time in my life, that i never thought i was capable of. It wasnt through some drug or meditation or anything like that but rather just giving up the things that are screwd me up. 

So why am i writing this, i reckon, no one will bother reading it, and i think it would be nice to make this thread my journal.


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## Sage Sagan

Actually, to prove to you that someone has read what you posted, I'd heartily disagree with your decision to halt masturbating. Don't like the idea of masturbation? Your body will do it for you, one way or another through wet dreams.

Masturbating relaxes your body, decreases tension, relieves stress, and, well, is pretty damn pleasurable. However, when you'd rather stay at home and masturbate versus going out and getting saucy with whomever you fancy, that's where the positive side ends.


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## Zeeshan

Sage Sagan said:


> Actually, to prove to you that someone has read what you posted, I'd heartily disagree with your decision to halt masturbating. Don't like the idea of masturbation? Your body will do it for you, one way or another through wet dreams.
> 
> Masturbating relaxes your body, decreases tension, relieves stress, and, well, is pretty damn pleasurable. However, when you'd rather stay at home and masturbate versus going out and getting saucy with whomever you fancy, that's where the positive side ends.


I never said i didn't, only do so once a week. thats it. Some people have different refactory periods. Since halting, my well being has changed. I used to suffer from all sorts of problems, lower back pain, frequent urinatiions, pain in pelvic region, fatigue

All gone now


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## humourless

Zeeshan said:


> Let me just say that though it may appear that way i have not given up on myself, or this....rather the contrary i feel i am in a better position now then i have ever been in my entire life.
> 
> I think the biggest change in me now, then prior, is that now *i just dont buy into anything.* Whether its things like meditation or drugs, or anything, i am not able to fool myself. *Its like i am real for the first time in my life. *And thats what its really about. *Change is about becoming what you oughta have been in their first place if your mind wasnt messed up by this world.*
> 
> I stopped keeping track of the point system, yes, its true.....and the worst part is when i think back on the months of October and November, i did things for the first time in my life, that i never thought i was capable of. It wasnt through some drug or meditation or anything like that but rather just giving up the things that are screwd me up.
> 
> So why am i writing this, i reckon, no one will bother reading it, and i think it would be nice to make this thread my journal.


I'm really impressed with your originality and self-discipline. As you said in the first post, it all comes down to confronting our fears not running away. That point system...well I might even try it myself. Funny, adults are just like children as we need extrinsic rewards to keep us motivated.

Re-addictions...that's what kills our sensitivity..we stop seeing the beauty..though healthy addctions are OK eg. exercise, nutrition

I'll be checking up on this thread in the future!


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## Zeeshan

Well i fell of the wagon, For more then a month i was living with my brother and i think that hurt me. I did not even went into the gym during that time. 

Yes i fell of the wagon, but i am back, and ready to make even more strides. 

spring and my birthday are a little over a month away, and i want to be in the best physical and mental shape of my life


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## sonofanarchy

My goal is to set goals


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## Zeeshan

So anyways 

I found something. I dont want to share it yet because i am not sure its anything, and i dont want to honk it to anyone without being sure of it.

For the first time in my life, i actually approached a girl. It was awesome and it went totally awesome. It was at a coffee shop, a complete stranger, and a cutie to boot. 

It was a really big deal for me because its something that i have struggled with all my life. I have started conversations with girls at other places before, but this was different, it felt like it was out of a movie. Hundreds of time before i have wanted to talk to a girl i see at a public place and never had the nerve. I used to think i cant do it, or its not possible, but i did do it and it was 100 percent because of this.


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## matisyahu

What does OP mean by "overcome the fear"


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## Zeeshan

matisyahu said:


> What does OP mean by "overcome the fear"


living under the fear

Anyways moving on, three weeks have passed by, and i feel like i have taken a step backwards. That so awful feeling in the pit of my stomach is back.

in 3 weeks i move into my new condo, and i am nervous about a lot of things. Actually i am going through a very strange time right now.

I think of it like two steps forward, one step back. There is truth in such things.


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