# settling for somone you are not attracted to?



## shy_guy (Oct 11, 2009)

Out of loneliness and lack of sex?There is a girl I know that would do anything for me and would love to be in an intimate relationship with me, but im not attracted to her at all. Anybody felt this way before? Like just giving in and being with somone you aren't attracted to just for the companionship and attention? Im not saying im going to do it but it has passed my mind many times.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Unfortunately, I have considered it before. The problem with that is she will see that your really not all that into her and it will cause problems. It's also pretty selfish to lead someone on that your not attracted to like that, especially if she ends up really liking you and falling for you.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

I thought that I would have to do that eventually, but I never thought I could be happy with it. To me, if I was just looking for sex, I could be with someone I wasn't that attracted to (as long as she wasn't hideous) but it would only be about sex. If I was looking for a companion, she would probably just be a friend. But if I was looking for an actual relationship, I would have to feel attracted to her physically and mentally. I just couldn't settle for one of the other. 

Thankfully I did find someone like that, but I guess I can't really relate because I'm quite a bit younger than you are.

I also agree with the above poster. She would likely sense you weren't into her and it wouldn't be a very happy relationship for either of you.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> Out of loneliness and lack of sex?There is a girl I know that would do anything for me and would love to be in an intimate relationship with me, but im not attracted to her at all. Anybody felt this way before? Like just giving in and being with somone you aren't attracted to just for the companionship and attention? Im not saying im going to do it but it has passed my mind many times.


Depends on how old you are. If in early 30s I say do it. Make her happy

Its better then being alone


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

shy_guy said:


> Like just giving in and being with somone you aren't attracted to just for the companionship and attention?


Doesn't sound like a particularly healthy start to a relationship, no...

But then... If you're with someone and you spend a lot of time with them, you are liable to start seeing them in a more attractive light. So... if she's not, umm, too far below your own personal standards, it could work out for you.

Otherwise, though? Not a good idea. I don't think so, anyway.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

I wouldn't want anyone "settling" for me like that. This girl might not be your type, but she deserves to be with someone who really wants her for who she is.


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## Vuldoc (Sep 8, 2011)

i would never settle. i'd rather die alone than do something so stupid for me and mean for the girl


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## Zendo (Jun 20, 2012)

In my experience it will only make you feel worse. I've split up with 4 girlfriends because I didn't fancy them any more. Once the physical attraction has gone or if it was never really there, it's very difficult to continue and have a healthy relationship.

One girl I went out with for 2 years; she was really sweet, quite sexy and a lovely person. I never felt myself falling for her though and in the end just didn't fancy her enough to keep things going. It was such a shame. We tried to keep it going as friends and went out a few more times but all of a sudden I was in complete control and an unbalanced relationship like that just isn't healthy. 

It might work for a short time but it could end up leaving you feeling worse than before. And as someone else mentioned, it's not fair to lead someone on. Some people could do it, but I hate playing peoples emotions, even if they almost seem content with it, if it means being close to you. I'd hate to have it done to me too.

Even if you did 'give in' and see what happens, is any of that companionship and attention going to have any value when you're not attracted to this girl? More likely you will feel bad because you can't reciprocate.

Do you think you could just be friends with this girl? Or rather, do you think she could be happy just being friends with you? Always nice to have another friend.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

I agree with probably offline, if you aren't attracted to her don't do it. I think it's important for women to feel that they are not only attractive to their boyfriend/mate but special among other women to them. I've been with guys who found me attractive sexually but I left the relationship because I didn't feel like I was very special to them, the way they were to me.


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## Snugglie (Aug 13, 2012)

Is there any chance that you could develop feelings for her if you entered a relationship with her?

If the answer is no then don't.

Not the same circumstances, but I've been in the position of being with someone I didn't love more than as a friend, but she loved me truly. I really wanted to love her the way she loved me, but couldn't, and as time went on it became more and more difficult to lie to both her and myself.

Neither of us were willing to confront the other and destroy the life we'd built together, and the relationship dragged out well past its due date. It may have continued forever like that, with neither of us feeling complete with the other, and consequently unhappy.

What actually happened was we were separated by circumstances beyond our control, and that provided the catalyst for the relationship to end - in an extremely destructive and painful manner (as can be expected from such a build up of negative emotion after all that time). I lost the life we had built and my best friend simultaneously and was a mess for years.

So, unless you believe you could come to love this person, don't do it, its not worth it.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Sound like a horrible idea.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

Vuldoc said:


> i would never settle. i'd rather die alone than do something so stupid for me and mean for the girl


This. I couldn't settle.


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## HilarityEnsues (Oct 4, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> Out of loneliness and lack of sex?There is a girl I know that would do anything for me and would love to be in an intimate relationship with me, but im not attracted to her at all. Anybody felt this way before? Like just giving in and being with somone you aren't attracted to just for the companionship and attention? Im not saying im going to do it but it has passed my mind many times.


I almost made this mistake last Saturday. Boy am I glad I didn't.


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## Lish3rs (May 5, 2013)

There's some wonderful responses in here. Yeah, don't do it. You don't seem that evil. ^_^


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

What exactly is unattractive about her?

I'm generally a nice person and am warm to most people and at the same time I go to the gym every two days and keep my body in shape. I know of a couple of girls who do seem to want me but they're so big. They're nice girls and I work with them but when I'm running around at work sweating like a sweatshop worker in Hell and they're just sitting there ordering me around without doing the same amount of work while stuffing their face with cheese, cheese and more junk food I find it unattractive. It's a shallow thought but at least I'm not some fat bloke wearing a shirt saying 'no fat chicks'.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

I've thought about it, and no. I couldn't even imagine myself kissing the dude, let alone anything more, especially with him looking at me all lovey dovey. Eww, gross.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I hate to say it, but depending on how lonely I'd probably go for it. I don't like to settle, but if I find her somewhat attractive and she's nice I'd give her a chance. 

Do you find her attractive at all OP? Or are you just not into her at all.


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## Glass Child (Feb 28, 2013)

Settling for someone who doesn't make me happy sounds like a nightmare.

Settling for someone who doesn't have a near perfect face or shape sounds just fine.


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

It would hurt her to pieces.


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## Zatch (Apr 28, 2013)

Shouldn't do it. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it.


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## Lazercarp1 (Jul 2, 2013)

I've been tempted to do this too. Tbh horrible as it sounds, I'm really tempted to go out with a girl I'm not that attracted to, sleep with her for a bit and then dump her. I probably won't do it but the temptations there.


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## Corvus Cowl (Apr 25, 2012)

As much as I do want to be in a relationship, I think it's an awful idea to be with someone I can't feasibly want to sleep with, let alone kiss, and who's personality would make me not even want to talk to them. I hate being in situations where I feel I am being forced into it, whether it's by my hand or another's.

I'll stick to being single until I find someone that I click with and they click with me. If it takes another year or so, so be it.


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## sas111 (Oct 20, 2010)

Lazercarp1 said:


> I've been tempted to do this too. Tbh horrible as it sounds, I'm really tempted to go out with a girl I'm not that attracted to, sleep with her for a bit and then dump her. I probably won't do it but the temptations there.


Not horrible at all. Happens to me every time. Just reality, she will get use to it and accept her cold lonesome death. No one gives a **** about ugly people.

I'm ugly as sin but rather stay single forever..but ugly girls do like sex too, so may as well use her up and dispose asap.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Every relationship has compromises but if you're just not attracted to them why would you bother? Sounds like a terrible idea to me.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Don't lead someone on just because you're lonely. That will only end up in a disaster. Think about how she will feel when she finds out you're not as into her as she is into you.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

I wasn't physically attracted to my first girlfriend when I started dating her. But as time went on I became attracted to her. In a way I settled when we first started dating, but that's really the only way I can get girls anyway. The girls I'm normally attracted to are either a.) Already going out or in a relationship. b.) Have enough guys making passes at them where I don't really stand a chance anyway. So I anticipate that I'll end up settling as far as physical appearance goes as long as social anxiety is a problem for me.


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## shy_guy (Oct 11, 2009)

Yea I would never actually do it, I would feel to bad. If I wanted to I could sleep with her but I won't even do that, I dont want to end up hurting her. Her looks are average not ugly. she is alot taller then me and is a bit overweight. Im only 5'5 130 lbs


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> I know of a couple of girls who do seem to want me but they're so big.


How big?

Anyway, if all you want is sex sometimes you have to settle. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to though, unless they had some really redeeming quality.


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## vanishingpt (Mar 9, 2012)

Don't. It would be a lose-lose situation for everyone involved.


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

That would be highly unfair to the other person. One of the things I fear most about relationships is that the guy will just be settling for me. I'd be crushed if I ever found out. And like other posters have said, she'll probably be able to tell if you're not that into her.


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## Lazercarp1 (Jul 2, 2013)

everyone settles for everyone really I'm sure most people aren't with the man/woman of their dreams... it's just a matter of how different from your personal taste you can settle with


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## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

I think this threads replies sums up the situation fairly well, no need to reiterate.


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

Life is about experiences, or so I've heard. Try being honest with her and see what she wants from you.


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## shy_guy (Oct 11, 2009)

farfegnugen said:


> Life is about experiences, or so I've heard. Try being honest with her and see what she wants from you.


She wants anything im willing to do, just last night she invited me for sex and I didnt reply. .

Shes REALLY into me and thats why I wont just sleep with her I think it might just make things more complicated.


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## Lazercarp1 (Jul 2, 2013)

for god's sake do it if a girl is offering you sex on a plate it's your duty as a man to take it.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Lazercarp1 said:


> for god's sake do it if a girl is offering you sex on a plate it's your duty as a man to take it.


:roll


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

Not gonna lie, I've thought of that before... but it wouldn't be right. Of course I've never been in your situation so I don't what I'd actually do. 

I wish women were more like men... that they wouldn't mind just having sex for the sake of it instead of worrying about emotions, commitment, and all that other relationship crap. The way things are now makes it almost impossible for guys like us to get laid. I hate the fact that females are designed to be so damn picky. Evolution sucks.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I thought about it but then I wouldn't want to have sex with them. It would be nice to have company and someone I could depend on in times of need (place to stay, help with moving or driving). I'd go out so much more if I had someone to go with. But in order to keep up the relationship you have to at least pretend you are attracted to the person otherwise the questioning will never end. I'm not good at faking my emotions, so I probably wouldn't be able to keep up the ruse.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

EternallyRestless said:


> How big?
> 
> Anyway, if all you want is sex sometimes you have to settle. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to though, unless they had some really redeeming quality.


Obese big. I like my girls with a bit of meat on them but not so much that they're obese. Heck I used to be obese myself and thought it'd be unfair if I dated anyone who wasn't so I worked on my body and now I'm really happy with where I'm at. My happiness and confidence really shine through these days and even really attractive girls I thought would never talk to me are now talking to me.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

h00dz said:


> I think this threads replies sums up the situation fairly well, no need to reiterate.


Yyup... I've never led a girl on before, at least not to my knowledge. I was flattered by them, but no matter how lonely I am, I wouldn't wish that pain upon anyone, ever.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

Lazercarp1 said:


> [Edit]-shyvr6


Any woman who wants sex can simply build a pof profile


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## BillDauterive (Oct 24, 2012)

This is exactly what I am terrified of. Of doing an arranged marriage with someone whom I don't love and then both she and I will be miserable. Well, misery loves company, doesn't it? :blank


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

I don't get the appeal of Jennifer Lawrence...


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## Lazercarp1 (Jul 2, 2013)

Zeeshan said:


> Any woman who wants sex can simply build a pof profile


yeah exactly!


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## Beingofglass (May 5, 2013)

Why would you do that? 

Read my signature, love yourself first, and you won't ever be settling Again.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Lazercarp1 said:


> [Edit]-shyvr6


Damn, I was just going to move on. Basically what I thought was stupid about what you said was that you implied it was somehow a guy's duty to sleep with every (no you didn't imply, thinking about it that's exactly what you said...) woman who approaches them. You're contributing to that pressure guys have to sleep with women even if they don't want to. I hate that, and I know many guys do as well.

Just because some men find it hard to get some, does not mean all men should sleep with someone if they don't want to. In the same way that just because women on average are judged on their looks more than personality, doesn't mean I have to wear makeup and get plastic surgery.

I think people can decide themselves if they want to have sex. I'm sure people are capable of that...



EternallyRestless said:


> I don't get the appeal of Jennifer Lawrence...


I have no opinion either way, that gif just happened to perfectly sum up what I was going for.


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## Parsnip (Sep 5, 2013)

It's perfectly possible to build a relationship with someone you're not attracted to, but it takes work and ultimately an acceptance that what you're getting out of the relationship means more to you than attraction. 

As a thought I'm sure quite a few people have considered it, after all it seems so easy in theory. Someone is into you, you're not attracted to them but you long for someone who loves you, and you know that if you just overlooked your lack of attraction then you could have that. How satisfactory such an arrangement would be is entirely dependent on the strength of your motivation to enter into it and whether the resulting companionship genuinely fills the void. Sometimes it's good enough, sometimes you'll still feel empty and find yourself going through the motions.

I could enter into a relationship that lacked physical attraction, but I'd hope there would be a greater motivator than loneliness. Knowing you were only an option because they were tired of waiting for someone they genuinely wanted to be in a relationship with and you were simply the most convenient choice would sting quite a bit.


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## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

I don't really care for attraction. So long as the love and kinship are still there then I wouldn't really mind.


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## Lazercarp1 (Jul 2, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Damn, I was just going to move on. Basically what I thought was stupid about what you said was that you implied it was somehow a guy's duty to sleep with every (no you didn't imply, thinking about it that's exactly what you said...) woman who approaches them. You're contributing to that pressure guys have to sleep with women even if they don't want to. I hate that, and I know many guys do as well.
> 
> Just because some men find it hard to get some, does not mean all men should sleep with someone if they don't want to. In the same way that just because women on average are judged on their looks more than personality, doesn't mean I have to wear makeup and get plastic surgery.
> 
> ...


wrong.


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## myersljennifer (Sep 6, 2013)

shy_guy said:


> Out of loneliness and lack of sex?There is a girl I know that would do anything for me and would love to be in an intimate relationship with me, but im not attracted to her at all. Anybody felt this way before? Like just giving in and being with somone you aren't attracted to just for the companionship and attention? Im not saying im going to do it but it has passed my mind many times.


Everyone else has pretty much answered your question. In all honesty, you can do whatever it is that you feel is best for you. If that's settling for someone you're not attracted to, then so be it. But I wouldn't consider it to be a commendable act, at all. It's most likely not going to work out and you're just going to hurt her. Honesty is very important in life and relationships.


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## Donnie in the Dark (Mar 15, 2011)

I think attraction is important. The person doesn't have to be conventionally attractive or considered so by others, but you have to be attracted to them, surely? Otherwise for me it would just feel like friendship, or something weird.


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## paperheart (Apr 23, 2010)

so i might be a bit late to the party but if you are upfront with her, something along the lines of you don't want a relationship but don't mind "hanging out"..ie companionship and sex and she's on the same page, it's fine. she's old enough to decide for herself if that's a deal worth taking.

ive been involved w.men for companionship and in the end it never works out. it always feels like we wasted each others time on some level. i end up loving the person but NEVER been in love.


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## AshleyAnn (Sep 15, 2013)

Never settle, You deserve someone who you will be attracted to in every way and not just the outside but what's on the inside too. Same goes for the girl.. She deserves someone who's as much into her as she's into them.
I understand why it would cross your mind though. Settling seams like an easier choice and we sometimes get lonely and it seems like any companionship would be better than none. It's not worth it though. So no settling


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## nescio (Jan 30, 2010)

I actually got myself into the exact same situation...
My friend is really pushing me to go for it, but I just can't do it


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