# I will DESTROY my social anxiety!



## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Hi! It's my first post here, and I intend to use this thread as a goal-setting accountability tool to help me overcome my social anxiety issues.

In summary, I'm 30+ this year, single (social anxiety is the main cause).
While I've no anxiety issues when I'm around with friends, it's a totally different thing when I'm alone.

ie. when attending a leisure class with friends I already know, I'm very spontaneous and vibrant, but when attending a class alone and faced with everyone I didn't know, I totally shut up and clam myself in a corner.

My other social anxiety issue is eye contact. I'm unable to hold eye contact with majority of people unless I feel very very comfortable with them. Especially with girls who belong to the type I like, I totally avoid all eye contact with them, and even avoid looking anywhere near them.

Social anxiety for me also causes this problem where I tend to distant myself from lots of people, causing them to think I'm stuck-up, arrogant, rude, anti-social, but in fact, I'm so scared inside I feel like I'm going to die.
People without this issue won't understand the problem.

*HOWEVER*

I'm ****ing sick of this. Behaving the same way yields the same result, and I want to end all this NOW. 2015 is a new year, and this ****ing will be the year I destroy all my social anxiety issues and become a better person.

The first step to solving any issue, according to a self-help book I'm reading, is to admit you've an issue first and accept it 100%.

So, yes, I'm a guy with serious social anxiety problems. I can still function well in life and has a normal job etc, but when social anxiety issues pops up, at least 60% of my life is wasted.
If I didn't have anxiety issues, I would probably have many girlfriends, tons of friends etc by now.

I've joined a latin dance class early last year, but due to social anxiety issues, didn't talk to much people there at all, except for saying hi and bye to a couple of them. I'm almost like the mute person, non-existent guy in the room. The reason I keep going there more and more if cos' I love the dance.
Heck, I had to summon all the courage in the world when I first step into the room! (and I avoid eye contact with everyone, as usual)

My plan is to do 1 - 2 little things daily to cure my social anxiety and get braver, one baby step at a time, and they'll all add up to big progress over 1 year.

I'll post my progress here as often as I can, perhaps every day or every few days, and if anyone has any feedback or suggestions or anything, just post them here! 

Cheers to all fellow SAS members here, and may we all get better!
Happy Sunshine


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

My goal for my next latin dance class is as follows:

1) Count out the steps aloud when he instructor tells us to

2) Ask the instructor some questions that I've been dying to ask for months but have no guts

Once I've achieved these, I'll post the results again.
No, I'm not going to die just by doing these 2 scary things.


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

That's a great attitude to have :yes 

Good luck with the next class :clap


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## Blaze6 (Jan 15, 2015)

I wish you the best and admire your determination. For myself, I can say that "turning into" the anxiety, via mindfulness techniques, has more more than trying to "conquer" it. Two things I can sugggest:
1. A book; the mindful path through social anxiety
2. Beta blockers for situational anxiety

Keep posting your progress!


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## Blaze6 (Jan 15, 2015)

Correction: Meant to say, ""turning into" the anxiety, via mindfulness techniques, has been more effective than trying to "conquer" it.


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## laysiaj (Jun 28, 2014)

I relate to you on many levels and am rooting for you!


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Ok, some updates here regarding my goal posted in above post:

*Goal #1: Count out the steps aloud when the instructor tells us to*
Yes, I did, however, I probably counted too softly (although it's louder than usual) and the instructor can't seem to hear it, so he gave up and counted himself the rest of the lesson.
I'll continue practicing this, and WILL INCREASE my voice volume the next time, and it will get louder and louder to the point the guy has to put ear plugs in his ears or else he'll go deaf. Tomorrow there's another class, and I'll increase the volume a bit more! 1 decibel, 2 decibels, 5 decibels, 15 decibels...

*2) Ask the instructor some questions that I've been dying to ask for months but have no guts*
Well, I did today, but he can't answer the question very well as he isn't that well-versed in the question. Also, the instructor wasn't paying attention to me when I ask him the question, he was doing something else and seem to just want to brush me off.

Can't blame him, because I think teachers and instructors in general usually have no regard to people who don't participate actively in their class. They are usually more friendly towards the more sociable, popular "students" / members. Again, a result of having SA.
Also, I didn't smile when talking to him, and looked rather cold and such, so can't blame him.

What's good about this, you ask? The good thing is : I'm now even more ****ing determined to fix my SA so that all these issues would become a thing of the past.

I never thought drawing could be learnt, I never thought I could dance better than some girls, but yet, I managed to overcome these. SA will be the same.

I've been reading this thread on here which says SA will be stuck with you for life. What's good about that? Good thing is, it makes me cherish life more, because I don't take life for granted, and life becomes richer and more like an adventurous journey. Imagine if everything in life flows smoothly.....you would probably even forget you're living!

Ok, so in summary, the next set of little goals for this coming week:

3) Continue to count louder and louder in dance class. This will be a continuous goal.
*
4) Look at myself in the mirror when I dance.*

*5) SMILE everytime when talking to people, and SMILE when saying Hi! SMILE when I'm dancing!* I noticed when I say Hi to people and don't smile, it looks like a MAJOR turn-off! I tend to stiffen up so much I can't move my mouth. This one will be the biggie hurdle to overcome.

*6) Record my voice and sing / say stupid crap using the phone and replaying it to listen. *When I first tried it today, it's actually harder than it looks. I was so self-conscious of my own voice that I had to struggle, even though I'm alone in my house. BUT, after several tries, it became natural.
I need to be comfortable with how my own voice sound to people. This will be an ongoing goal as well.

Happy sunday!


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Ok, managed to make small talk with a friendly woman selling food. Bought some of her snacks, but the key is......after just talking to her for a min or so, it actually feels so good! I guess it's really important to keep the momentum going, especially for people with SAs like us. Something like a success / winning streak.

It makes me even more confident of making small talk to strangers, and from now on, I'll try to make small talk to people whenever I can. Not go out of my way to talk to them, at least not now, but people whom I interact with.

Way to go!


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

Way to go indeed!

Well done


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## Penny46 (Dec 16, 2014)

Awesome, good on you!!! Now THIS is the way to go about conquering this thing! Baby steps. For yourself to make a couple small changes...then keep on working at it and increasing those changes! 

AND GIVE YOURSELF A BIG PAT ON THE BACK WHEN YOU SUCCEED AT THEM!


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Ok, some updates on previous goals:

*4) Look at myself in the mirror when I dance.*
Nope, not yet. However, instead of looking at my feet which is what I always did, I now look at my chest area. Next up, TOMORROW, I will try to look at myself, the FACE!

*5) i) SMILE everytime when talking to people, ii) and SMILE when saying Hi! and iii) SMILE when I'm dancing!*
Still gotta work on i) especially. I'm getting better at ii), and for iii), I managed to pull it off at the class today! Probably smiled naturally for 80% of the time.
In order to attain this goal (smiling), I had to relax and simply just enjoy myself without caring about anything in the world, or how the instructor looks at me, or whether it's gonna rain cows later. I find this a really helpful technique to be in a relaxed state : enjoy yourself at whatever activity you're doing CURRENTLY! 

*6) Record my voice and sing / say stupid crap using the phone and replaying it to listen.*
Nope, keep forgetting this LOL
But tomorrow I'll! My focus now is on 5) above.

2 other positive things happened:

1) We were told to partner up with another person, and being the only guy in the room, I had no partners since girls are less awkward with other girls, and each girl chose another girl for a partner.
In the past, I would have gotten butt-hurt or felt terrible, but today, I had no such feeling, and took the initiative to walk up to a pair of women and asked if I can join their group. The response was good and we talked a bit! 

2) I took the initiative to say bye to another regular member, something I would never have done in the past as I would be too busy avoiding eye contact! Initiative, Initiative, Initiative!!! I need to tattoo this word on my body.

On a side note, one thing which I realized is that, because of the fact that in the past, I've always avoided eye contact due to SA and this resulted in people thinking I'm extremely arrogant and cold, it's very difficult to win them back again.

What happened was that these same people would be very friendly and warm towards me when I first meet them, but due to SA, I responded very badly and coldly, and this caused them to dislike me. And when I now try to be friendly towards some of them, well, response is negative. Not all, but some.

I guess the way to prevent all these from happening in the first place is to cure the SA first and bring it to a minimal level, then go from there! 

Note to self: Smile! It's the most powerful weapon in the world! Smile -> Small talk -> Relationships!
Happy Sunshine


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

Good job man, think positive and keep up the good work :yes


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## AnonymousPersonG (Nov 5, 2014)

I wish I had your motivation, good luck!


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Thanks for the encouragement, guys.

Last week, I stumbled upon this website by a fellow member of this forum here: http://www.anxietysoup.com/

I subscribed to her email and got the free ebook, and the email consists of 9 steps, where one step is sent every 2 - 3 days to help you overcome your SA, one portion at a time.

Well, in the 1st email I received, I had to answer 3 questions posed.
Here's my answers:

*Write what situation(s) really gets your anxiety going, and be specific.*
1)
i) Talking to new people at new environments

*Write what thoughts you are telling yourself leading up to and while you are experiencing the anxiety.*
ii) What if they sneer at me? What if they ignore me when I try to make small talk to them? If that happens, other people will see me being ignored and they would talk or think among themselves. I will feel ashamed because of that. What if they brush me off or give me the cold "I'm not interested in talking to you" look? I'll lose face!

*Write what situation(s) really gets your anxiety going, and be specific.*
2)
i) Afraid of making eye contact

*Write what thoughts you are telling yourself leading up to and while you are experiencing the anxiety.*
i) I'm afraid of making eye contact with some guys (not all) cos' they might think I'm gay (even though I'm not). It just feels weird for a guy to keep looking or making eye contact with another guy.
I'm also afraid to make eye contact with most girls, especially girls I like, for fear of them knowing that I like them.
Even though liking or finding someone attractive is a natural thing and not wrong, I just feel really wrong and guilty, thus I always avoid eye contact with girls, even though in some cases, they tried to stare at me to make eye contact with me but I flat out ignore them.

*How would your life be different if you didn't have social anxiety?*3) I would have way more friends if I didn't have social anxiety, because I'm a very honest type of guy who's sincere to many people. I would have girlfriends and sex partners, loads and loads of them. If I didn't have SA, I would probably have divorced my 9th wife by now. If I don't have SA, people in my neighbourhood would all know me!

Ok, so I'm waiting for email no. 2 to arrive, and will post the next course of action here.


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Well Bucky, hope your eye contact problem will go away on its own someday! What an annoying problem. :mum

On a side note, I just realized a very useful technique that seems to reduce my SA whenever it pops up.
Basically, today, when I encounter something that makes me uncomfortable, or makes my SA rear its ugly head again, I would instantly say to myself *Here comes Uncomfortable Thing #1 !*

What this does is it makes me fully aware and very conscious of that particular moment, and somehow I would be able to think rationally and even have time to tell myself to "fix" that Uncomfortable Thing at that time!

For e.g:, I was out just now to see a doctor and buy some McDonalds, and well, Uncomfortable Thing #1 of the day (Eye Contact Fear) appeared, and I said to myself "Heres comes Uncomfortable Thing #1 !", and I would fight it by making eye contact at the counter staff, passerbys, strangers etc.
And it works! There's no fear!

I haven't got a chance to test this out extensively since I'm at home today, but tomorrow when I'm out for work and dance class again etc, I'll get a chance to test this out in the field big time.

Ah! "Here comes Uncomfortable Thing #2 of the day!"
"#3!"
"#4!"

I think some people here have some techniques similar to this, just that we call it different names LOL


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