# Maybe, I am just not good enough ( TRIGGER WARNINGS)



## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

*IF A VERY SAD POST CAN TRIGGER YOU, I SUGGEST YOU LOOK AWAY NOW*

I come before you guys...humbled defeated, destroyed and utterly flabber-gasted. Long post ..please read

So my fiancee recently started a sh!t storm about how the relationship lacks passion, she doesn't feel satisfied, she is unhappy, calls me selfish, emotionally distant and of course..brings up all the mistakes I've made over the years.

Mark you, all of this is OVER THE PHONE because I am away on assignment. She's calling me selfish and emotionally distant.... but doesn't she realize how demoralizingly hard it is for a man to hear his fiancee complain about the relationship over the phone at a time when he can't even come visit !

Imagine a soldier having to here this over the phone whilst he is risking his life for his country (which is what I am basically doing since I work in the G*d d*ng COVID unit !)

What am I supposed to do ? I can't take her out now...I'm stuck here.

I don't know where I went wrong ....I supposed I might as well give some other embarrassing details that makes me feel ashamed and unmanly. I was cheated on. It was a time when she was once again complaining that I was "emotionally distant" ...I chose...to forgive (call me an idiot...typing it makes me feel like an idiot) ...she promised to never hurt me so again...

Yet there she goes again...getting cold feet 6months before our wedding. After she herself made numerous plans for the wedding, calling up different people, caters and all. I just don't understand how a woman can go from actively planning a wedding ...to going ice cold and not even wanting to discuss it. :serious:

She even admitted over the phone "since I, always start the fights, maybe I need to see a counsellor" So she told me she's started seeing a counsellor.

But still...what are we supposed to tell the wedding planner ? 
The wedding planner sent a message, and when I asked me fiancee about it..I had to say it 3 times before she answered...and she just said "I told you already, I don't want to talk about the wedding until you get back"

I dunno...maybe...maybe I'm just not a good enough man...and maybe I never will be....I've tried so hard to improve myself...but it's never enough...

I went into the isolation unit looking forward to getting married after my assignment....now ...I have no motivation when I go to work....It's not like I have anything good to look forward to when I get home.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

I've been reading this to try to figure out how to respond more masculinely to silent treatment

https://www.themodernman.com/blog/3...off-when-a-man-begs-for-her-to-come-back.html

But...I can't pull it off.

How am I *NOT* supposed to be upset at the idea of my fiancee possibly torching our relationship 6 months before the wedding, leaving me completely embarrassed in front of all my family and co-workers (IE if we don't get married the whole **** hospital will know).

How am I supposed to take that and just keep my head high and walk to work everyday like nothing happened. I'm not a heartless Man-beast like James Bond. I got feelings too.

And since I am stuck here at the CoViD centre ... How am I supposed to pull of the "confident aloof, sexy man" over the phone ? Do I just not call her ? Do I just call and say hello, bye ?

According to Dan Bacon, you're not supposed to beg or tell her how much she's hurt you..because it only makes her pull away more ...(shrugs shoulder)


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

idk maybe you need to talk about why she feels the way she feels instead of responding defensively. 

I guess people tend to crack when they're under stress or there is change like being apart for a while. 

and couples therapy is a thing.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

andy1984 said:


> idk maybe you need to talk about why she feels the way she feels instead of responding defensively.
> 
> I guess people tend to crack when they're under stress or there is change like being apart for a while.
> 
> and *couples therapy is a thing.*


Last time we argued over the phone; I told her : *how can you be so selfish to lay this on me at a time when I am far away and cannot visit you, and I am working in isolation ? Don't you care about my mental wellbeing*

She responded by saying "Maybe I am the problem, since I always seem to complain"

I even once told her that I think because she had a verbally abusive step father, and generally no good male role-models growing up...she cannot appreciate when the relationship is going good. She didn't take that nicely.

But honestly I think it is an issue, and I really wish I was there so that we could go to the therapist together, so that the therapist isn't just being fed her side of the story.

As to why she feels the way that she feels. Beats me? The weekend before I got sent to the isolation unit we went on a couple's retreat. We talked about relationship issues, the Priest prayed over us, we wrote wedding vows....everything seemed perfect ....then all of a sudden whilst I am here she calls me and blurts out a whole bunch of my past mistakes as if I had hurt her yesterday, all the while insisting that *I am emotionally selfish.*

You know what she told me? In one of our phone calls she got upset because I couldn't remember her work schedule. She says that's part of what ticked her off. What is this double jeopardy ? Why is she letting herself get so easily triggered ! *If I was that easily triggered I would have broke up with her the moment she told me she cheated* (again not trying to keep score here, but the point is, I forgave something that most ppl would take as grounds for break-up, yet she keeps holding onto minor infractions) which in my opinion is far worse than the "emotional distance" she keeps accusing me of.

I am at my wits end. I do not know how else to show this woman that I care about her.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

its probably never a convenient time to bring some things up and distance might make it easier?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

You need some more phone calls....maybe a ZOOM call. 
It's all about communication. This Coronavirus $#!7 is either killing people, making people's lungs turn into Swiss cheese, or messing with people's MINDS - cerebros!


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

millenniumman75 said:


> You need some more phone calls....maybe a ZOOM call.
> It's all about communication. This Coronavirus $#!7 is either killing people, making people's lungs turn into Swiss cheese, or messing with people's MINDS - cerebros!


Yep. I know there's all this stuff about struggles making you stronger, whatever bla bla bla. But the only thing I feel is a growing cynicism about the idea of relationships.

Which my logical mind tells isn't true...because obviously there ARE married people out there. Which means there must be something wrong with me...that I just can't fix well enough to keep a partner interested. It ain't for lack of trying.

I'm confident enough to talk and interact with people....but I don't know how to read body language or pull manipulative moves in relationships. I've read about it...but I can never seem to execute it properly


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Creative dating ideas and coming up with spontaneous stuff to keep things interesting on the fly of the moment... that's hard for me to pull off.

I thought I was dating a "netflix and chill" type of person, but now she tells me that she only acted like that because she was shy...now that she's more confident she wants to try new things and be more spontaneous....yay for me....the introvert I thought I was dating has morphed into the most extreme of extroverts, that gets bored easily and need constant stimulative activities.

Why did God curse me with this $&$&$& SA ....I hate myself.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

If its like this now & you're not even married think how much worse it's going to be when you are & you can't get away as easy, maybe with children involved, she seems not to respect you by cheating or respect & support the potentially lifesaving work you're currently involved with, a bad sign. 

A leopard never changes its spots, the warning lights are on, I'd suggest bail now while you still have some dignity & she can't legally take half your stuff. 

I know that's not easy either with the time & how much of yourself you've invested. 

I know I'm cynical there's been so many dysfunctional relationships within my family over the years, my parents included, most eventually failed after years of craziness, maybe that's just life IDK.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

Sounds like you need to find someone more compatible with you. Also she sounds like the type that wouldn't be happy with anything. The more you give the less she respects you for letting her walk all over you. It's a never ending cycle. Plus she's already cheated. Just look at it like you dodged a bullet getting out now rather than later when you're married and end up getting cleaned out financially in a divorce. This way nothing is lost but the time invested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Micronian (Nov 11, 2004)

I'd rather cancel a wedding than go through a divorce....but I hope it doesn't get to that. I hope there is a good solution, but she's making it sound like she needs way more attention--emotional, likely--than she's getting at the moment. Will that change after you're (potentially) married?


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## jhinds (May 30, 2011)

I've been following your posts for some time now and I have to say I'm dumbfounded you still want to marry this cheater. I know it will be difficult, but you have to dump her and find yourself someone who's more compatible with you. As others have mentioned, this woman sounds like she'll never be happy no matter how much you do for her. Chances are good that she'll just cheat on you again. There are better women out there, women who won't cheat. Do yourself a favor and start looking for her.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

blue2 said:


> I know I'm cynical there's been so many dysfunctional relationships within my family over the years, my parents included, most eventually failed after years of craziness, maybe that's just life IDK.


Yeah, same you don't want to end up in a bad marriage.

Also I think you just sound incompatible, this will probably be my catchphrase at some point I've posted it in so many places to so many posters on this forum but I do not understand why people stay in these bad relationships so often. I learnt from my parents to get out quickly I guess :') (also my dad cheated on my mum before they got together and their relationship wasn't good there was terrible communication and a lack of intimacy and he spent more time hanging out with a female friend than my mum.)


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Every time you have relationship problems, you tell us how you're researching how to pretend to exhibit the stereotypical masculine response caricature you think she needs. Or you tell us you're trying to learn how to "pull manipulative moves in relationships." It's like you're trying to play a fiancee on a TV show (probably a soap).

You have no chance to be happy in a relationship if you're not even willing to be yourself in the relationship -- how can you be happy if you're not even there? And if she's the one telling you to be a different guy, then obviously you're incompatible people who can only hurt each other.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Paul said:


> *Every time you have relationship problems, you tell us how you're researching how to pretend to exhibit the stereotypical masculine response caricature you think she needs*. Or you tell us you're trying to learn how to "pull manipulative moves in relationships." It's like you're trying to play a fiancee on a TV show (probably a soap).
> 
> You have no chance to be happy in a relationship if you're not even willing to be yourself in the relationship -- how can you be happy if you're not even there? And if she's the one telling you to be a different guy, then obviously you're incompatible people who can only hurt each other.


What's wrong with research ? If I suck at something shouldn't I at least read from ppl who apparently do it better, find out what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe you guys are right. The odd thing is ...for you guys it may look like I keep posting the same thing but.. there are extended periods of like ...months on end when she behaves like the perfect wife material, understanding, caring patient, going out of her way to do things for me, (like I said, up until the day I posted this she was completely delved into wedding preparations)
......and then wham ! Her stubborn mood comes on. It's ...its almost like she's bipolar ?

I think what happens to me is during those golden months, her behaviour is so perfect it actually fools me into believing she's changed.

I can't believe I typed the above...I sound like a battered wife who says "but when he's not beating me he is the perfect gentleman"

Yikes. I can't believe I walked into this sort of abuse....I think I have a better understanding of battered wives now. (Gosh just typing that makes me feel like a pathetic excuse for a man....talk about a humbling experience).

I'm sorry to constantly bombard you guys with this. Its just that. Well....there really isn't really any local support for men going through something like this. I can't talk about this to anyone, really....all it would lead to is insults that make me feel like more of a POS than I do now.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Its actually been one of my dreams to set up local advocacy or a mentorship program for young men. (Not saying that women don't have their own issues).

But...its just so that. Men...who go through those things don't feel like they are trapped all alone and just supposed to "figure it out because you're a man" ....but so that they can have other men to talk to, without the constant air of "1-up-manship" that usually blocks us from discussing issues.

NB I am NOT trying to derail this thread into a gender wars discussion. I am not in anyway demeaning one or insinuating any sort of competition between who has it worse.

When I say that my area lack a certain service I AM NOT implying that other services are not just as important too.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> (also my dad cheated on my mum before they got together and their relationship wasn't good there was terrible communication and a lack of intimacy and he spent more time hanging out with a female friend than my mum.)


Interesting, my mum cheated on my dad while he was ill & laughed at him when he said he was depressed & going to kill himself & that's why I have half siblings, I didn't know they were half till 10 years after he'd died, he never made a fuss.

My dad was a good person, even though he got dealt a very poor hand in life he never got angry.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

VIncymon said:


> What's wrong with research ? If I suck at something shouldn't I at least read from ppl who apparently do it better, find out what I'm doing wrong.


I'll put it this way: masculine guys are confident in being themselves, and their confidence in themselves is attractive. Trying to fake being masculine is unmasculine and unattractive. You can work on your personality, but it should be on improving your own natural unique personality around the edges, not adopting somebody else's.

And stereotypical gender role responses only work for stereotypical situations. Real life relationships are more nuanced, and you have to be able to respond to them authentically from how you feel, not with canned actions that were right for somebody different.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

blue2 said:


> Interesting, my mum cheated on my dad while he was ill & laughed at him when he said he was depressed & going to kill himself & that's why I have half siblings, I didn't know they were half till 10 years after he'd died, he never made a fuss.
> 
> My dad was a good person, even though he got dealt a very poor hand in life he never got angry.


That's terrible. I think my dad cared about my mum on some level, he's just messed up in a lot of ways I won't go into. Both of them are poor communicators as well. They shouldn't really have gotten married and my dad didn't want kids before we were born either but it is what it is now.


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## alexdiago (Oct 19, 2020)

Hey! Please PM me and we can talk more there.


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## Raies (Nov 3, 2016)

Of course I don't know the full story etc, but..

It doesn't sound like a person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
Imagine dealing with that **** forever.

Nope.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Yea..I got no updates....I'm still at the coronavirus centre....its like being in a time capsule....I can't move forward with anything else in my life whilst I'm working here.

I've purposefully ignored this problem for the past few weeks so that I can focus on my work. Revisiting this thread is too triggering for me.


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