# I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awkward



## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Ok, so there is this girl at work I'm attracted to. I don't like to sound so superficial like all that matters is looks, but she really does have a nice body. She has kind of a cute face, but not necessarily oustandingly cute. And she has long, straight blondish/light brown hair. Besides her looks, her friendly personality is what has drawn me in. It is what separates her from the other hot girls at work. I see her as similar as me because I also consider myself to be a friendly person. The only negative is our age difference. I am much older than she is. However, as I stated many times on this forum, I look very young and act much younger also. I’ve been told this by more than one person. To be honest, I'm not so much thinking about actually getting invovled with her because I think our age difference is just too big. I would however like to be friends with her. It would make me feel good to know that a girl I really like also likes me - even though nothing may happen romantically.

So now the details of the situation: I started my new job a few months ago. I work in a different department than she does. However, everyday I have to walk through her department area to get to my department. I therefore will occaisionally see her -- though not most of the time. It first started off of me smiling at her and her smiling back when we would pass each other. We then began to say "Hi" to each other, but kind of in a quite, low voice ... such as when you pass a stranger and say "Hi" but you don't say it strongly and loudly because you don't really know them. If that makes any sense. So this had been going on for about 3 months. As I said, I didn't see her constantly everyday but probably about 3 times per week. Well, during these 3 months it started getting really awkward because we had been walking by each other and saying “hi” (as I said, in a friendly but quite, low voice) to each other so many times for so long (periodically for 3 months), yet we never would say anything else to each other! If this had just happened a few times then it would be no big deal, but 3 months … I can tell you it does get awkward. What I should have done at the beginning was to ask her name and to introduce myself and make small talk. However, me not being completely over my SA makes doing that type of thing really difficult for me. If we were working side by side then I would have no problem whatsoever talking to her, but to walk up to her or anyone just kind of out of the blue and introduce myself is what is SO difficult for me. And because of this awkwardness it got to the point to where I DREADED walking to my department because I didn’t want the possibility of walking by her and then experience that awkwardness and uncomfortableness of us saying nothing to each other but “hi” (because as I previously said, the only way to get to my department was to walk through HER department). And this went on for 3 months.

I finally told myself I need to get this situation rectified. It had just gotten too uncomfortable and awkward. So a few weeks ago I decided when I had the chance I was going to ask her name and try to make small talk, such as how long she worked for the company, if she liked her job, etc. However, I wanted to do this away from her department. This is because in her department there are other people sitting around at their desks and they probably would over-hear us. That department is as quiet as a library. So anything I would’ve said would have been clearly heard. I guess I’m just paranoid but I was afraid they would then go up to her and say things like, “Oh, that guy likes you” and “Here comes your boyfriend” -- things like that. People can be that way and I didn’t want to embarrass her. So during the last 3 – 4 weeks I’ve been waiting to see her in the hallway away from her department and then I would talk to her. During the time I’ve worked there I’ve rarely seen her outside her department, but it was my only chance. I even had a conversation planned out in my head of what I’d say. Even so, I still was very apprehensive about approaching someone and asking her name and start asking personal questions (though questions only about her job). But I just HAD to do it because the longer this went on, the worse it would continue to get. Can you imagine several more months of us just mumbling “hi” to each other? It would be torture. That’s why I just had to introduce myself and talk to her.

So yesterday my chance FINALLY came. She had just turned the corner from her department into the hallway (it’s a large hallway) and I was coming back from break going back to my department and almost walked into her! She as always (well, the 3 or so times each week we would pass each other) looked at me with a small smile and said in a low voice - almost mouthing the word – “hi” (as always). Literally within a split second I knew I had to talk to her NOW ( a REAL conversation, not just “hi”) or I would be kicking and cussing myself for not doing it and making myself crazy with regret! So I immediately said, “Hey, what is your name?” She told me her first name. (I prefer not to put her name here because as I said I can be paranoid about things and I’m afraid of even the slightest possibility she or one of her work friends could somehow find out here). As she said her name she stuck out her left hand instead of her right hand. But the right hand is what people normally shake with. However, I didn’t realize she had something in her right hand and couldn’t shake with it and I guess due to my nervousness I, for some reason, tried to shake her left hand with my RIGHT hand (I guess because people normally shake hands with their right hands). That was THE most awkward moment. I ended up giving a small shake of her left hand with my right hand. lol. And because of the awkwardness of it, she kind of mumbled, “Oh, I got something in my other hand.” It just DID NOT come across as me being very smooth by giving her a tiny hand shake with my right hand to her left hand. Very awkward. I know I keep using the word “awkward” a lot in this post – and I hate doing that - but that word really describes my entire experience so far with this girl. So I ask her how long she’s been working for the company (5 years) and a couple of other trivial questions. I told her I’ve been there for only a few months. I knew she probably had to get back to work (as I did also) so I ended the conversation by saying, “Well it was nice to meet you.” And that was it. It was a very short conversation, but a conversation none-the-less! Well, I walked back to my department and realized … I didn’t tell her my name!! DOH! At least, I don’t THINK I did. I possibly may have done it when she stuck out her hand and told me her name, but I was so anxious and nervous and embarrassed by trying to shake her left hand with my right hand, that I don’t think I told her and I can’t remember for sure. 

So what I’d like to know is … should I stop her the next time I see her and say, “I don’t think I told you my name. My name is…” Or should I just wait for her to ask me my name? I kind of hate to walk up to her and say “I don’t think I told you my name. My name is…”, because it could make it look like I’m stalking her or something. Anyway, that’s my story and I apologize for this long post. I just like to give out all the details as much as possible to paint a good picture.

Lifetimer


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## Halcyon (Nov 24, 2003)

that was awesome hehe

i have problems introducing myself as well so it was cool getting to be part of your experience there 

hugeeeee respect for taking the chance and asking someone like that, even it was small i would have difficulty doing it myself.

laughed about the handshake, that might have been awkward but some people might see it as cute or funny...i did

Yeah i say go for it and tell her your name and keep us posted lol, want to know what happens next.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

No don't just go up to her and tell her your name. You will come off as having zero social skills. The best thing you could have done as you shook with your right hand was laughed as it could have been taken in a humerous way versus unsmooth way. 

If you talk again for an extended period of time you may bring up your name and say I'm so and so. If you really wanted to play into what i consider stupid social games we have you could play like you forgot her name or better yet while in the next convo, kind of say "well it was nice talking to you" and then drag out her name in an unsureish voice and then when she acknowledges that that is correct say my name "John" by the way. 

This falls right into that stupid rule of how long to wait before calling a girl after you've gone on a date with her. But it's probably a good way of smoothing things over as pathetic as that may sound. I can't stand the rules that our culture has for socializing.


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

HEYYYYYY. I know you. You're that guy who always says "hi" to me. And shook my hand in a weird way.


























Nah, just kidding :lol


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## aviator99 (Nov 23, 2006)

" I don't think I told you my name. My name is&#8230;", "

Slim Shady? :lol:

Anyways, it was fun to read. As far as the hi-hi thing, I wouldn't worry much about that. I dont see anything wrong with it really...she may have actually seen it somehow as "cute" that you're kind of timid/shy and thats all you'll say to her, so her response is "hi" (and thats all) just for fun.

Its no different than, say, like when I was in college, and I seen some guys in my dorm hall as i'd walk past them, i'd just say "Sup"...and a majority of the time they'd respond with the same.

As far as the handshake...thats funny (she may have found it funny-which is a good thing), though that partly depends on your expression when you shook her left hand with your right. Were you acting serious, or were you half-smiling or laughing? Serious may have made it awkward, though if you smiled or laughed or made a joke out of it its no biggy at all.

Whatever you do, dont randomly approach her and say:

I don't think I told you my name. My name is&#8230;

That'd sound pretty creepy just out of nowhere like that.

You have to mix that into some sort of conversation. Like, maybe, I dont know...if you see her in the hall, maybe say something like:

"Hey how are you today?" - Oh fine -...maybe if something is going on in the workplace, then insert something like "Hey what'd you think about that new program they put on the computers? Its driving me nutz!"...have her respond "Oh yeah I know, its ridiculous! I cant transfer this and that over and its just a ton of work". - Yeah same here! I wish they switch back to the old program. Hey by the way I dont think I introduced myself last time, but i'm John, work in the xxxxxxx department handling this...yeah it's been a long day for me, especially with that darn program! Ah i'm just eager to head home later and relax". [She responds] - Oh yeah I feel the same way!. "Haha yeah i'm sure everyone does - well hey cya around!".

Boom - perfecto. I know its tough to pull off for us SA'rs. I know how to work the words and i'm sure a lot of SA'rs do (all in our heads), but when its the actual situation its different. I know, I know. Even I would have difficulty applying what I typed above into a real situation. On the computer the SA blockade is out the window. In a real situation, the blockade is skyhigh with flashing strobes lights to top it off, and a siren. :afr

It wont sound bad at all if you do it in that fashion and you'll perfectly smoothover anything that went wrong or you forgot to do in the past situation. If you can pull something like this off, man, you're good to go with this lady 

Good luck!


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## aviator99 (Nov 23, 2006)

Oh - Dont dread on the fact that you didnt tell her your name. Act like you did. Think like you did. If she ever asks "Hey you never told me your name"...just say "What!!! Really? I thought I did! Well hey my apologies! I'm xxxx and so on..."


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

Many women don't particularly very shy guys for some reason. That's what I have been told and I believe it.


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

Shyness is seen as cute by mainly males rather than females. It is seen as rather deviant in males.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

Well that was a pretty funny encounter. Don't take it so seriously!
Anyway, I think that if her coworkers teased her with stuff like “Here comes your boyfriend” it would actually work to your favour. Assuming she doesn't dis-like you, it would actually force her to look at you in a more positive light. Girls usually like to gossip and it would build you up.
I don't know what you should say to her the next time you see her....but just don't take it so seriously, and try to be more sure of yourself if that's possible. Maybe even joke around about how she's not holding anything with her right hand anymore, so this time you guys can do a "proper introduction" (but this all must be done in a confident joking manner, it would seem weird if you were real serious about it). And if you want, you can take the joke further, stick out your fist like Ali G and lean back, instead of shaking her hand. I do have to say that you would have to probably visualize yourself doing this first if you need confidence doing it. Or you could just skip all this, and pretend the first encounter didn't happen, but just carry yourself better.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

*Re: re: I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awk*



Pinzelhead said:


> HEYYYYYY. I know you. You're that guy who always says "hi" to me. And shook my hand in a weird way.


OMG, my worst fear has come true! :fall

Very funny! :lol

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Thanks, you guys, for the responses so far. I appreciate the advice given. I'd like to see some women post their views here, from the female point of view.

Yes, I guess after the fact it IS kind of funny. Maybe I should've laughed and joked it away at the time of that infamous "left hand - right hand handshake". I tend to have the appearance of being a more proper, serious, businessliike person than a big jokster. So I guess I was more focused on talking to her properly instead of joking around. I think that is a negative trait I have - at least in regards to women. One of the big things women like is a sense of humor. And even though I DO have a sense of humor, I still tend to not show it like I should and I act (as I said) too proper and business like. 

As for any relationship possiblities with this girl, it doesn't look good. I didn't mention this fact in my previous post (because my post was already long enough as it was), but I think she has a boyfriend or husband. I say this because as I was walking back to my department one day, I passed her as she was talking to a couple of her co-workers. I heard her say in mid-conversation, "...and I wanted some dessert so he took me to Bennigan's." So by that statement it sounds like a very good possibility she has a Signigficant Other. But as I said before, I still would be satisified enough knowing she has an attraction for me and becomes a "work friend" in which she easily comes up to me and talks to me. Of course, I would like it better if it became more than that (unless she is married). 

The next day (yesterday) after all this happened, I didn't see her at all. I only see her about 3-4 times a week anyway, so it may not mean anything, but I really hope she won't start trying to avoid me. Maybe it's just in my head, but that's the first thought I have of when I think of us guys trying to get to know or get friendly with a girl -- that they begin trying to avoid us. It may not necessarily be true but that is what goes through my head. It's probably one of the reasons I've never been on a date in my life (along with SA of course as being a major reason).

Lifetimer


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## Invisible13 (fake email) (Dec 28, 2006)

Hey I had worse happen to me b4 so don't even sweat it. She probably feels weird that she put out the wrong hand anyway. It don't matter if she's taken cause like they say, just hanging out with a girl makes you look more attractive. And even though she's taken, hey--you still got an imagination right ;P


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I just realized something after posting yesterday on a thread called "Scripting conversations in your head with other people?" (In the Coping With Anxiety section of the forum). Here is the link to that thread that goes directly to the page in which I posted: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... &&start=23 
I believe my "script" basically led to me not shaking her hand correctly. I say this because I had already "scripted" what I was going to say and do when I finally talked to this girl. And, for some reason, shaking hands was NOT part of the script! I had imagined I would see her in the hallway and just stop and talk to her. I don't know why I didn't think there was a possiblility of us shaking hands. Even though men and women DO shake hands with each other, I guess I always subconsciously thought of men being more likely to shake hands with other men than women. As silly as that sounds. As I said, beforehand I pictured us stopping in the hallway and telling each other our names and having a short conversation. When she stuck out her hand it suprised me because it was not in the script in my mind. I think another reason I was suprised by her offering her hand for a handshake (and why it wasn't in my "script") was because in the back of my mind I expected her to not be interested in me or have no interest in talking with me. When you never had a date in your life then it's not hard too understand why I would think this way. So for that reason I thought she would be defensive and the thought never entered my mind she would care to shake my hand.

I guess the handshake thing is not THAT big a deal. It's just that overall I didn't like my lack of smoothness and confidence with the conversation and everything that happened in it. I believe it's a lack of social experience that was and still is my problem. If I would've had more social experience then I think I could've handled everything better. But I think that is a problem of most of us SA'ers - not enough social experience. I think we all need to go out and do things to get this type of experience. I will try to view this as part of gaining experience for next time I talk to a girl - or anyone for that matter. I really believe the way life works is that your successes catapules you to more successes. I figure the best thing to do now is make a better impression on her the next time we talk. Maybe I can act more confident and show more of a sense of humor. I just hope the old saying of, "First impressions are lasting impressions" is not true in this case.

As for whether I should tell her my name or not, don't you all think it would be best if SHE would come up to ME and say something like, "Now what was your name again? I don't think I got it last time." Because wouldn't this at least show some interest on her part in that she doesn't mind talking to me, and IS interested in being friendly with me? I'd like to know specifically what the ladies here think about that if you were in her shoes and I forgot to tell you my name - what would you do? Of course, the guys here are still welcomed to reply also.

Lifetimer


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

Yeah that happened in the past before where I expected to see a girl in a certain place and doing a certain thing, and then when she was doing something different, it threw me off. You can't really predict exact situations, there's too many variables, it's better to just focus on your own attitude.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Your situation is frighteningly similar to what I'm going through at work with some chick.

I wouldn't worry about the handshake thing too much. She's more at fault than you are for even extending her left hand in the first place. If her right hand wasn't available, then she shouldn't have done anything. Besides, the whole male-female handshake thing is just weird. It seems like something that is practiced more among middle aged people and in formal situations like job interviews, etc. But I never think of doing it with girls I want to bang!

Although I would normally agree with most people here that it would be best to somehow work your name into a conversation. But we have to be realistic here. If your SA is as bad as mine when it comes to talking to attractive women, chances are you are not that smooth.

Rather than dread about the name thing, I think you're better off focusing on how to keep the momentum going now that you broke the ice with her. You're in that spot right now, where if you don't keep this thing alive, then it's going to revert back to just saying "hi" again and nothing else. Then if you wait another couple months and try to break the ice again, it's going to be more awkward than it ever was.

Next time you see her, say "Hi __(name)__, how is your day going?" Hopefully that would be enough to get a conversation started off of.

I also think that this situation does require some initiation on her behalf. You can't keep this flame lit forever by yourself. If she doesn't reciprocate to your actions, then yes, that may be a good indication that she's not single, or not interested.


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

You said in your original post:


Lifetimer said:


> To be honest, I'm not so much thinking about actually getting involved with her because I think our age difference is just too big.


And then in a later post you said:


Lifetimer said:


> So by that statement it sounds like a very good possibility she has a Signigficant Other. But as I said before, I still would be satisified enough knowing she has an attraction for me and becomes a "work friend" in which she easily comes up to me and talks to me. Of course, I would like it better if it became more than that (unless she is married).


Have you changed your mind about the age difference?

Anyway, if just friendship is all you want then maybe finding out that she has a husband/boyfriend would work in your favor since it would eliminate some of the anxiety that you're experiencing. At least it would for me. So yea, I think if I were in your position I would try to find out for sure what her situation is.

But it's obvious from your posts that you are attracted to this woman. So I think it's quite possible that she could have picked up on this when you met her in the hallway with that awkward hand shake. If that is the case and if she is not already taken then I would think that if she is interested in you that she would give you some kind of sign. Of course we have no way of knowing if she picked up on it. But some women are good at recognizing that kind of thing.

Romantic interests at the workplace were always "not good" for me. None were successful and one even ended with the girl quiting her job (not because of me but I've always thought that our relationship could have played a role). I've always blamed it on my SA but everyone is different so maybe your SA doesn't affect you the same as it does me. But regardless, I've read that workplace romances can be challenging (for people without SA) so I don't think it was all just me.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Futures said:


> Besides, the whole male-female handshake thing is just weird. It seems like something that is practiced more among middle aged people and in formal situations like job interviews, etc. But I never think of doing it with girls I want to bang!


LOL! Yes it does seem kinda strange to do that with a girl I want to "Boom-Boom in the Bedroom!" However, I guess it wasn't really too much out of place, now that I think about it. If I had met her on the street and asked her name and she did that, then it would be a bit strange-ish. However, the fact was we had seen each other many times and kept smiling at each other and saying hi for so long and not ever saying anything else, that things had really begun to feel awkward and even a bit tense between us. I think by me stopping her in the hallway and FINALLY getting a conversation going between us, that it kind of brought everything to a head and I guess the natural thing to do was to shake hands (though I wasn't necessarily thinking that at the time). I guess the feeling and thought process (at least on her part) was something like, "Ok, we FINALLY have "officially" met after 3 months of just saying hi to each other. The next natural step we seem we should do is shake hands." I think it kind of was like she was acknowledging that we had seen each other but never officially met. I don't know if I explained that right. I hope so.



Futures said:


> Although I would normally agree with most people here that it would be best to somehow work your name into a conversation. But we have to be realistic here. If your SA is as bad as mine when it comes to talking to attractive women, chances are you are not that smooth.


Futures, I think you know me well! :lol Yes, I think it would be good to work my name into a conversation, but as you guessed, I am not a very "smooth" talker. I can get nervous and talk fast at times. Also I tend to make stupid, boring, and lame comments in my conversation with a attractive girl.



Futures said:


> Rather than dread about the name thing, I think you're better off focusing on how to keep the momentum going now that you broke the ice with her. You're in that spot right now, where if you don't keep this thing alive, then it's going to revert back to just saying "hi" again and nothing else. Then if you wait another couple months and try to break the ice again, it's going to be more awkward than it ever was.
> 
> I also think that this situation does require some initiation on her behalf. You can't keep this flame lit forever by yourself. If she doesn't reciprocate to your actions, then yes, that may be a good indication that she's not single, or not interested.


That is excellent advice. It is something I haven't thought about... in that I need to keep the momentum going. I passed by her a several days ago for the first time since our one and only (so far) conversation and she gave me a wave and a quick "hi" as I walked by her. So, I think chances are good she doesn't know my name (either that, or maybe she's not interested in calling me by my name ... to possibly avoid leading me on). And of course, me and my SA - along with my lack of experience in talking to girls (or people in general) I end up very weakly saying, "Hi 'Amy' " (not her real name). I said this in a weak, wimpy way with little confidence. My god, at times like that I hate myself! And then I seen her again this past Friday and I AGAIN weakly said "hi" to her! (though, not quite as weakly as the time earlier). For me to respond with decent confidence towards people I have to plan ahead of time and psyche myself up for it. Otherwise if I just respond with my normal, natural self then I just come across as pathetic, weak, and no confidence. But I digress. Anyway, what you are saying is true. I've seen her twice since our conversation and both times we just, like before, said hi to each other and nothing else. I guess the problem is we don't have much time to talk to each other because of work. When I DO see her, it's almost always in her department and I suppose she doesn't feel comfortable having a conversation there. So now, as you predicted, it feels like it's slowly reverting to us just saying hi to each other again, and little else. Even so, I'm going to do my best to try to strike up another conversation with her. Trying to get a relationship going with her is not really my goal necessarily. It's more for the reason of getting experience interacting and having some type of friendship with an attractive girl than actually having the goal of getting into a relationship with her. As you say, it shouldn't be all on my shoulders to talk to her. It's a two-way street. She has to initiate some things with ME also. Futures, thanks for the advice.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Woody said:


> You said in your original post:
> 
> 
> Lifetimer said:
> ...


Yes I know I'm sounding contradictory, but it just shows how torn I am with what I want. What it really comes down to is what I wrote in my previous post in reply to Futures' post. I would really like to get some kind of experience of interacting and having a type of friendship with an attractive girl. I guess it would make me have some kind of feeling of worth being noticed and talked to by an attractive girl and it would give a positive shot to my ego. It would make me feel like I'm not totally worthless and a loser. It would make me feel like an actual man here on planet earth, worth being talked to by females. I've always had this feeling of being overlooked by everyone and never being noticed or paid attention to - ESPECIALLY by females. Most of the time I just feel invisible. I think this just has to do with my SA and my lifetime of being a quiet person. In fact, just the other day my supervisor said, "Lifetimer" you're so quiet ... we never hear a peep from you!" (FYI, he used my real name, not "Lifetimer". lol.) If only he knew why...

As for any relationship possibilities, if she began take the initiative and show an actual, unmistakable interest in me then I don't think I would turn the opportunity down. To be honest, I think it would be fun to go out with her a few times but not for an actual relationship. Our age difference is so big I'm almost embarrased to say (I'm not too far from being old enough to be her father. :um) But as I mentioned in this thread I look very young and I act very young. I feel more comfortable with someone younger than me than someone my same age. I know, sad but true.



Woody said:


> Anyway, if just friendship is all you want then maybe finding out that she has a husband/boyfriend would work in your favor since it would eliminate some of the anxiety that you're experiencing. At least it would for me. So yea, I think if I were in your position I would try to find out for sure what her situation is.


I think that's a good idea. I at least I would know where I stand and I would know not to get TOO flirty with her if she is already in a relationship.

Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Did she tell you her last name? If so, find some excuse to send her an email at work.

Where I work, we use Microsoft Outlook and everyone has their full name and contact info in their signature of all outgoing emails.

So if you send her an email, she would then know your name.

The problem is how do you send her email without coming across as some creep stalker. That I don't really have the answer to. I guess you have to just try to establish some more contact with her, and hope that maybe she says something that you can play off of and develop a reason to email her about whatever she said.


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

...


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I'd thought I'd post a little update on how things been going. I guess it's not really that important to keep this thread going because I really don't see anything happening between me and the girl I like. From what I can make out, I"m pretty certain she has a Significant Other. Now, for the latest things that have happened since I've last posted on this thread:

Well, I think it is now obvious to me either she doesn't know my name or she doesn't want to call me by my name because maybe she possibly has the fear of somehow leading me on. If she DOES have a Significant Other then the latter possibility is understandable. The few times I've seen her the last few weeks since our original conversation and the infamous "handshake", she has done what she always has done - give me a little wave and say "hi". There really is not much chance for a conversation at these times because the few times I see her is when I am passing through her department to get to mine. Therefore, when I see her she usually is in the process of walking back to her cubicle in the back of the room, and I am usually in the process of returning to my department. I wish she would have her work break at the same time as me and go to the breakroom while I'm in there so I would have a chance to talk to her. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I was walking back to my department and as I was passing through her department I seen her standing close to the doorway to my department, with her back to me. Now being that I think she has a great body and that I really like her, I just couldn't help but not intently look at her. So as I was walking towards her I was looking closely. As I got closer, I noticed out of the corner of my eye another lady standing close by looking at me (she was an older black lady, so obviously she wasn't checking me out. lol). So I immediately stopped looking, and it was like, "Oh no! She's gonna tell her that I was staring at her body like a pervert!". I don't think I was acting like a pervert but I'm afraid she possibly could've told her something like that. And now, after reading on a couple of threads here at the forum that talked of guys who are creepy and what makes them so, I'm really afraid if the lady told the girl about me staring at her, that the girl may now think I'm "creepy". :cry 

And if that wasn't bad enough, something else happened just a couple of days ago that may confirm in her mind I'm creepy. First of all, there are only a total of 3 girls there out of about 100 (there about 200 employees there, about half are women) that I feel are hot enough that I just cannot help but to look. I'm a guy, and guys are guys. If we see an extra-hot girl then there is no way we can look away. :lol So it's not like I go around oogling girls all day long. It's just when I see one of these 3 particular girls that I HAVE to look. I don't want anybody - especially the girl I like - to think I'm creepy or a pervert. The girl I like (let's call her "Amy", but is not her real name) is one of the three. The other 2 girls are very hot looking but I'm not interested in any relationship with them because their personality is not like Amy's. I like Amy more as a person than the other 2 girls. So anyway, back to the story. A couple of days ago one of the "Big 3", the one that is the best looking of the entire company (not "Amy" but someone else), was working in my department for 1 day only (she normally works in another department). Well it was break time so we all start walking to the breakroom. This meant we had to pass through "Amy's" department. I hadn't seen Amy in about 10 days ... until that day. As we were walking through her department, there was no way I could keep myself looking at the hottest girl in the company that was walking about 10 feet ahead of me (again, I'm talking about another girl, not Amy). As I had my eyes focused on this girl, I didn't realize Amy was about 10 ft - 20 ft ahead of me talking to a co-worker. As I was finally realizing Amy was there, the girl I was staring at had just passed by Amy. I then noticed Amy quickly spun her head around in the direction of the girl I was looking at. So I think it's fairly obvious she was looking at that girl trying to figure out why I was staring at that girl! I mean, why else would she turn around and look at her? So a few seconds later I walk pass Amy and the co-worker she is talking to, and Amy, as usual, gives a wave and says a regular "hi". That's just my luck that would happen! As I said, I hadn't seen Amy in about 10 days, and now when I finally see her she sees me oogling some girl! So with those 2 incidences combined, now my biggest fear is that possibly Amy may think that I'm creepy and some sort of pervert!:fall 

If a guy or gal finds someone of the opposite sex very attractive, does it make that person creepy or a pervert for wanting to look at that person - or even stare, assuming you make sure the other person doesn't know you're looking at them? As I say, I'm not going around stalking and staring at women. It's just at work when I see one of "The Big 3" that I just cannot help but look! :blush 

Maybe all is not lost. Yesterday I seen her and she gave me the little wave. She was a fair distance away from me at the time and pre-occupied with something else and just gave the wave and didn't say anything. Which was normal for that situation. I wasn't expecting her to say anything anyway.

So that's the current update of the adventures of "Me and Amy" (sounds like a TV sitcom. :haha) I'll keep everyone informed of any breaking news concerning this saga.

Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

It's ridiculous for anyone to accuse somebody of being a pervert for checking another person out. If staring at a girl makes me a pervert, then a pervert I shall be. Screw 'em. IMO it's all natural attraction.

It's funny how the whole "creep" thing works with women. If they're single and they find you attractive in return, then they're flattered when you check them out. But if they're not single, or they aren't attracted to you, then you're a pervert for looking at them.

Don't worry if "Amy" saw you staring at the girl in front of you. What are you supposed to do...walk with your head to the side? "Amy" hasn't made no initiative to take things any farther, so all other girls are fair game.


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

Um, try to keep your eyes in your head. The staring thing does not come off well b/c we girls can't relate. We don't ogle. And when we see a guy ogle is just seems overtly sexual. Not to say all is lost, but for future reference: just try one glance and look away. Nothing good comes from rubber necking.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

*Re: re: I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awk*



NightinGale said:


> Um, try to keep your eyes in your head. The staring thing does not come off well b/c we girls can't relate. We don't ogle. And when we see a guy ogle is just seems overtly sexual. Not to say all is lost, but for future reference: just try one glance and look away. Nothing good comes from rubber necking.


Really? Girls never ogle? When I mean ogle I mean looking at someone for a second or two because they're really good-looking. This is different from "undressing someone" with one's eyes or fantasizing about them. I don't 'ogle' more than two seconds and when I do I'm mainly thinking "wow, she looks pretty", NOT "how can i get in bed with her?". Women don't do this sort of 'ogling' either?


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

*Re: re: I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awk*



vincebs said:


> Really? Girls never ogle? When I mean ogle I mean looking at someone for a second or two because they're really good-looking. This is different from "undressing someone" with one's eyes or fantasizing about them. I don't 'ogle' more than two seconds and when I do I'm mainly thinking "wow, she looks pretty", NOT "how can i get in bed with her?". Women don't do this sort of 'ogling' either?


Oh yeah, we look, but it sounds like Lifetimer's type of ogling lasted longer than a second or two. I don't doubt that he means no harm by it, but I guess any type of staring that lasts more than a second or two is seen as odd or rude or sexist.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

*Re: re: I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awk*



Futures said:


> It's funny how the whole "creep" thing works with women. If they're single and they find you attractive in return, then they're flattered when you check them out. But if they're not single, or they aren't attracted to you, then you're a pervert for looking at them.


This is so true. If a woman finds a guy attractive and he checks her out, it like, "Wow that cute guy is looking at me!" However, if she is not attracted to the guy (or if she is not single) it is like, "What a pervert! I think I'll report that guy for sexual harassment!"

There is a funny video/skit I seen on the internet a while back of something very similar to what I've described above. This funny video shows the good looking guys in an office setting, oogling women, talking dirty to them, slapping them on the rear, and all kinds of other similar stuff. It also shows these same guys afterwards asking the girls out. Instead of the women being offended by this behavior, they are laughing and enjoying it, ... and they accept the date invitation. It then show the other side of the story of the guys who are not attractive. These guys were the "nice guys", and when they complimented the women, the women were offended. And then it showed them asking the women out for a date. Of course, this really offended them and I think they responded by claiming sexual harassement. lol. Though the video was funny, I don't think in real life it would be funny. However, I wish I can find it again so I can post the link here. Anyway, I think it just shows in general how things are in life, in that women are ok with guys they are attracted to "hitting" on them (not literally of course. lol). However, guys who are NOT attractive to them and "hit" on them are seen as "perverts".



Futures said:


> Don't worry if "Amy" saw you staring at the girl in front of you. What are you supposed to do...walk with your head to the side? "Amy" hasn't made no initiative to take things any farther, so all other girls are fair game.


I'm not so much worried about "Amy" being jealous as I am worried that she may think I"m a creep or pervert. I would absolutely hate it if she thought of me as some creepy, perverted guy that goes around staring at women. I don't know if she thinks this or not, but I sure hope not!

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

*Re: re: I finally talked to the girl I like ... but very awk*



NightinGale said:


> vincebs said:
> 
> 
> > Really? Girls never ogle? When I mean ogle I mean looking at someone for a second or two because they're really good-looking. This is different from "undressing someone" with one's eyes or fantasizing about them. I don't 'ogle' more than two seconds and when I do I'm mainly thinking "wow, she looks pretty", NOT "how can i get in bed with her?". Women don't do this sort of 'ogling' either?
> ...


I hate to admit it, but you're right. I probably oogled for about 4 or 5 seconds in this case. And you are also right in that I meant no harm by it. Guys are guys and we are very visual. When we see an unusally attractive girl, there is NO WAY we cannot look. In this case when I was looking at that girl, that girl did not know I was looking at her because I was walking behind her. That is the only reason I looked at her for more than the usual 1 or 2 seconds. If she were in a position to see me looking at her, well... I would not have looked at her. However, I didn't realize at the time that "AMY" was looking at me (while I was looking at that girl). And if I had known THAT, then of course I would not have "oogled" that girl at all! But things happen in life... :sigh

Lifetimer


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## Christian (Oct 5, 2006)

Wow this thread is hilarious. I can just tell by the way you're writing about it that you're making a real big deal out of it. My advice would be to try and not be so attached to the idea of this girl and what she thinks of you. It's just a crush--don't become so obssessed with it or assume that she has any sort of feelings towards you as you do to her. This is why you're having such a problem with awkwardness. She is not a goddess...



Good luck!


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

I think you are overanalyzing way too much. It's really hard to say if she is single or not or if she might be interested in you. The fact that she always waves at you means she thinks you are at least friendly or maybe she likes you so I wouldn't worry too much. Just try to have more of an extended conversation with her sometime. If you ask her what she did over the weekend or what she is going to do next weekend, she will for sure mention a boyfriend if she has one and you can save face. If you go out to lunch with some coworkers, maybe ask her along sometime.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

It's been about 6 months since I've last posted on this thread, so I figured I'd let those who are still interested know where I stand today with "Me and Amy" (as I said in a previous post, it sounds like a sitcom. lol.)

Well, it may be hard to believe, but it's been over 7 months since the initial conversation - and first post of this thread - and "Amy" (not her real name) STILL doesn't know my name! Or, at least I haven't told her yet. If she knows then she has never called me by it. The reason I haven't told her yet is because I've haven't gotten into another real conversation with her so I could at least casually bring up what my name is. If you will read my past posts on this thread, it explains why I have such a hard time being in a situation in which I can have a conversation with her. I'm usually only in a position to only say "hi" to her as I am walking to my department. I suppose there will be those that would say I should stop her and have a short conversation whenever I happen to see her, but it's hard for me because I would get the feeling I'm stopping her (or slowing her down) from doing her work. Also, the area I usually see her has a lot of cubicles and desks around where people can hear us, and I don't like people listening in.

However, that all may be hindsight anyway. This is because I'm getting the feeling now she no longer is interested (that is, assuming she ever was in the first place). Looking back at all the signs, I think at one time there was the real possibility she actually WAS interested. However, due to my lack of social skills, my lack of taking the action to move the (for a lack of a better word) "relationship" any further, and also throw in my ineptness and blundering, I think she lost interest. I say this because the last 7 or 8 times she saw me she hasn't even said "hi" to me. I admit in each of those instances she was either talking to another co-worker or she was somewhat preoccupied with something else. But still, in the past that did not stop her from seeing me and saying hi. She at one time use to say "hi" to me EVERY time she saw me, regardless if she was preoccupied. 

I think the major thing that cause the apparent lost in interest by her is my lack of taking any action to go beyond the level of just saying "hi" to her. Well, there was a few times where I was able to say a few more words to her than just "hi", but they were just a few meaningless "chit-chat" type of words related to a job activity she was doing for a while in another part of the building, as I passed by her on a few occaisions. However, I was not able to get into a conversation there because she and a few of her co-workers were busily working during those times. Anyway, I blame myself and my SA related thought processes for the lack of me taking action to move whatever type of relationship we had any further. I think it just got boring and monotonous for her (and me as well) for us to just say hi to each other all the time. My guess is that she thinks I'm just not interested in her. Along with what I've just talked about, add in that there were a couple of incidences that happened that probably confirmed in her mind that I'm not interested. Both the situations were my fault in that I did not handle them in the right way and it made it look like I was ignoring her. If anyone wants to know of those incidences, let me know and I'll post about them in a seperate post, because this particular post is already becoming too long. lol.

Also, since she apparently does not know my name and thus has never called me by it, I think it has become uncomfortable for her to even say hi to me. (I, on the other hand, HAVE called her by HER name). Yes, you can say she should have asked me what my name was by now. I suppose that can be said, because we DID fairly regularly pass by each other in her department (though, not necessarily an excessive amount) to where she technically had some opportunities. However, maybe she didn't like the thought of just stopping me and asking me what my name was. I say this because I had asked her name in our very first conversation and maybe she thinks she somehow missed my name in our conversation and felt embarrassed to ask it afterwards. Whatever the reason, I think as time has gone on, it has naturally gotten harder and harder for her to stop me and ask me my name. 

I think I've actually had my chances to tell her my name during either of those 2 "incidences" I mentioned earlier, but I blew it. I still haven't given up in at least trying to make friends with her (beyond the previous stage of saying "hi" to each other). If I somehow once again get in a position of having a conversation with her (that is the hard part), during the conversation I will casually bring up how I haven't yet told her my name.

Anyway, that's where this situation stands today.

Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Lifetimer said:


> I think as time has gone on, it has naturally gotten harder and harder for her to stop me and ask me my name.


After 7 months, it would be awkward as hell for her to admit not knowing your name. If you somehow do find yourself talking to her, you could mention that you don't think you told her your name. But by doing that, you're acknowledging the fact that you know she doesn't know your name, which I think can possibly make her uncomfortable. If you make a girl uncomfortable, everything is lost, game over.

The best way would be to somehow casually mention your name when chatting with her. You can ask her what she did last weekend, and a lot of times after people respond, they will then ask you what you did. You can say "oh a few buddies of mine called me up and said 'hey [Lifetimer], do you want to go out to..." It can be anywhere...concert, movie, bar, etc. Hopefully she'd pick up your name that way. Kinda smooth, huh? :yes It's too bad I can never think of these great lines in real life.

But again, that is easier said than done. Just getting into a conversation with a girl is hard enough, (I know, because I have the same problem with trying to find a good way to talk to women at work).


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

This is why I am for brute-force asking girls out randomly cause you don't have to worry about this whole waiting and guessing game.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

My, my... how time flys by.

Today is the one year anniversary of this thread and the infamous "handshake" (lol) and as crazy as it sounds, one full year later I still haven't told "Amy" my name. Obviously when someone doesn't know your name (and therefore never calls you by it), as long as this is the situation, then there is no chance for anything meaningful to happen between you and the other person.

During the past year I've had my chances to tell her. The thing is that there have been very, very few chances. I probably could count the number times on one hand... and not even including the thumb! lol. What is crazy is that I see her at some point in the day, almost every day (at work of course), so you would think there would be plenty of chances. So what has been the problem, you ask? Well, the vast majority of the times that I see her is when she is in her department. So, when I see her I am rarely in a situation to where I can talk to her. This is because she is usually talking to another of her co-workers when I see her, or eating at her department's lunch table with her coworkers (they have a small table in their department they eat at during their lunch). Or, even if I happen to see her not talking to anyone, I still can't really get into a conversation with her because there are several people - including her supervisor - sitting close by in the area I usually see her. I just don't want them listening in to our conversation and then going up to her and embarrasing her by joking to her, "Oh, I see you have a boyfriend." Or something like that. Another thing that contributes to the problem of not being in a situation to talk to her is that her work day begins about an hour before mine and of course ends an hour before mine. This makes it impossible for us to walk into the building together - or leave at the same time together. If I was able to go to work at the same time as she does, then I would surely have a good chance to talk to her. However, that is not the case. Also, her breaks are at different times than mine, so I never see her in the breakroom.

As I said, I had a few (very few) chances to legitimately talk to her. Of the chances I've had, a couple of times I just froze up and didn't say anything other than, "Hi Amy". I remember once I was returning from the breakroom, and the breakroom is at the other end of the hallway about 200 feet from her department. Well, as I was returning to my department (remember, I have to go through her department to get to mine) I see her at the copy machine making copies. The copy machine is in the hallway, just outside the entrance to her department. This means I am walking at least 200 feet towards her, thinking, "this is my chance to talk to her and tell her my name." However it's a long walk, and as I am walking towards her, I start really getting nervous and my heart starts pounding. I guess I had just too much time to think. As I get close to the entrance I just totally froze inside and didn't say anything to her. I just kept on walking to my department. During this incident she never looks up or says anything. I don't know if she ever saw me coming towards her or if she just chose not to say anything to me. Of course immediately afterwards I am just beating myself up for not saying anything. What made it hard for me (other than my nervousness) is that she never looked up at me and said anything. If she had done this, then I'm very sure I would of had a conversation with her and mentioned my name.

The very best chance I had to tell her my name came about 4-6 weeks ago. I spend most of my work day towards the back of my department, working with various documents. Well, one day, out of the blue, she comes back to my area to retrieve a document. I say "out of the blue" because it is very rare that I have seen her in my deparment at all - much less back in the area I usually am at. Anyway, as I am doing my work, I hear footsteps and I look over and there she is... just 15 feet away from me, looking in a file cabinet! This really suprises me because I NEVER have seen her come all the way back to the area where I am usually doing my work (though I have seen her in my department a hand-full of times). I see her and say, "Hi Amy. I've never seen you back here before!" I say this in an upbeat, friendly manner. She says, "Yeah, I'm looking for a file." Then about 30 seconds later she starts walking away and says, "Well, have a good one." (As in, "have a good day.") Now this is where I just REALLY start kicking myself!! I had a perfect opportunity to talk to her and tell her my name and I blew it! The reason I didn't tell her was not because of nervousness (I wasn't nervous at all), it was because I was SO suprised at seeing her come back to my work area that I completely forgot to do what I've been wanting to do for the past year - to tell her my name! However, what equally played a part in me not tell her my name was that she was there for only a total of 30-45 seconds. Were she there for at least 2 or 3 minutes, I am sure that would of been enough time to have gotten over the suprise of seeing her there, and I would've remembered to tell her my name. As I said, I wasn't nervous - I was just so suprised, and then 30-45 seconds later she was gone.

I've been saying she doesn't know my name, but actually there is a chance she POSSIBLY DOES know my name. I say this because there is a girl in my department that sits across from me that is good friends with Amy. I've seen her often walk up to Amy's desk and talk to her (something I certainly cannot get myself to do). You want to hear some strange coincidences? This girl (my co-worker in my department) started working there the very same day I did, lives in the same apartment complex I live at, and recently gotten a speeding ticket the very same week I gotten my speeding ticket! Strange, huh? lol. I didn't realize all these coincidences until she brought it up one day. She and I are on very freindly terms with each other. However, I am not attracted to her. Anyway, knowing her outgoing personality, I think there is a decent chance she brought this up in one of her convervsations with Amy. Therefore, if she did, then she just had to mention my name to Amy, in order to tell the story. But still, even if she or someone else HAD told Amy my name, then after all this time I think Amy would feel too odd to just out of the blue start calling me by my name. That is... unless I personally tell her my name. Even then, because of all the time that's passed, she may feel odd about it.

So the awkwardness continues. Everytime I see her I get this awkward, uneasy, "oh my god, there she is!" kind of feeling. And if I had to guess, I think Amy probably feels the same about me. In fact, my guess is because of this awkwardness, she probably tends to try not to put herself in a position to where she will "bump" into me (not physically, but metaphorially). Maybe that is one of the reasons why I rarely see her in my department or outside her department. If this is the case, then I doubt if it would have anything to do with if she likes me or not but instead it would be beacuse of the uncomfortale awkwardness. I do feel that at one time she did like me (as in attracted to me), but whether she may still have some attraction to me after all this, I don't know. I imagine she most likely thinks I'm too chicken-sh*t to do what it takes to talk to her and mention my name to her.

Here is one other funny story that happened just a week ago. As I was walking to the lunch room on my lunch break, I came upon Amy and some guy standing in the hallway outside the entrance to her department, talking. As I walked past them she looks at me and gave me a half-smile and a look ... a look of, well, I'm not sure how to describe it, but something like, "uh, oh, he sees me talking to another guy." However, because I was focusing on her, I didn't notice who the guy was! I know a lot of the guys who work there and now I'm curious who he was. Was he a good-looking guy, was he a dork, was he a married guy? ... I have no idea who we has because I was looking at her at the time.

One more important note to finish off this LONG post. I had found out something about 3-4 months ago that may hint that the whole situation could be a lost cause anyway. As I was leaving for the day, I decided to walk by her desk and see what pictures she may have up (if any). She had already left for the day. Where she actually sits is a bit out of the way from the path me and my co-workers always take when we enter or leave out deparment. So I felt nervous walking by there because I was afraid someone might see me walk over there and wonder what I was doing. So I got the courage that day to quickly walk by there and take a peek at her desk. What I didn't realize until I got there was that there was a woman still working in the area - across from Amy's desk. She had her back to me and I don't think she realized I had walked up. For this reason, I took a very quick peek at Amy's desk, because I didn't want this woman to see me looking and then maybe report me to someone - or tell Amy I was snooping around her desk. So I looked at Amy's desk (actually a cubicle with cubicle walls) and she had several pictures tacked up on the walls of her cubicle. However, because I had no time to look at all of them, I looked at just one of them closely for a few seconds and it happened to be that of her hugging a guy, with her cheek pressed against his cheek, both smiling into the camera. What a let-down for me! I then quickly moved on so the woman across from Amy's desk wouldn't notice me.

It's obvious that most likely the guy was her boyfriend or husband. I suppose it's not impossible he could've been just a friend or relative, but not likely. My question I'm dying to know is: Was she with this guy 1 yr ago when she was being VERY friendly towards me? Or, was she completely available at the time? Did she just give up on me and eventually found this other guy? That was 3-4 months ago when I seen that photo, so there is the possibility she may not be with that guy anymore. I guess I won't know until I walk by her desk again. lol.

Right now I'm more concerned in ending this awkwardness between us than I am concerned about getting into a relationship with each her (though I certainly would like that). And I believe the whole awkward situation is present because she never calls me by my name, which is because I've never told her my name. Because of that, it keeps whatever level of friendliness we have (if you can call it that) from progressing. And it just creates tension.

Oh well, who said life was easy? :rain

Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

This girl is a lost cause. Based on her actions, it's as if you fail to even exist in her reality. That's the ultimate sign of disinterest. We all do it with people we aren't attracted to. At work, I honestly fail to even notice most girls that I'm not attracted to. I don't spend time thinking about them, nor do I even care to know their name.

If she had even the slightest bit of interest she would be more open with you. She seems like a fairly outgoing with other people and the fact that she didn't even acknowledge your presence at the copy machine says it all. Don't think she didn't see you coming. She did. She just did the little "I'll act like I'm too busy to notice him coming" tactic. If she had even the slightest bit of interest she would have at least looked at you and said Hi or something.

And yeah...the photo on her cube wall....strikeout. It's a 95% certainty that that is her boyfriends. Girls don't do cheek to cheek pictures with guys they are just friends with, then hang those pics in their cube to stare at for 8 hours a day.

I would move on if I were you.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Futures said:


> .


your post count is 1234. !

i agree though. you're obsessing about it too much and you need to move on. focus your energy and attention on some other girl(s) you may be interested in and who you would have a chance with to go further than a "hi" every week.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

I'd say you thought way too much through out it all. 

Also be careful; don't let your mind play games on you. You mentioned in the initial post it would be nice to know a girl I really like likes me too. But what you have to realize is you like her more than just a friend but she likes you as a friend. Never let your mind lead you down an unrealistic path that it could become something more than friends. In the end you'll only be hurt.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

That was the cutest story ever. Loved it! 

You could wait for her to ask your name or you could tell her your's first. 

I just want to say something though, this year I have learned that just because someone looks at you, it friggen means nothing. The tech guy wasn't interested. He hadn't even noticed me. Another, guy who looked at me every single day didn't like me, either. 

Who started saying hi! first, was it you or her?


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Futures said:


> This girl is a lost cause. Based on her actions, it's as if you fail to even exist in her reality. That's the ultimate sign of disinterest. We all do it with people we aren't attracted to. At work, I honestly fail to even notice most girls that I'm not attracted to. I don't spend time thinking about them, nor do I even care to know their name.


Yes, I think she now could be disinterested in me. However, if she is then I believe it is not because she never was interested in me (I strongly believe she was at the beginning) but instead it is because of me not taking the appropriate actions I should of taken from the beginning. I also believe a large part of the problem is this whole awkward situation of her not knowing & calling me by my name. If one person never calls another person by their name, then how can they ever get close... meaning how can they ever have any chance for a real friendship or relationship? I know I keep using the word "awkward" throughout this thread, but that exactly describes the entire situation between me and this girl. And because I did not step up, show confidence and correct the problem that was there, I think she may think I'm a coward and maybe has given up.



Futures said:


> If she had even the slightest bit of interest she would be more open with you. She seems like a fairly outgoing with other people and the fact that she didn't even acknowledge your presence at the copy machine says it all. Don't think she didn't see you coming. She did. She just did the little "I'll act like I'm too busy to notice him coming" tactic. If she had even the slightest bit of interest she would have at least looked at you and said Hi or something.


I just don't know for sure what of make with the copy machine incident. If I had to guess, I would say she did know I was coming towards her and just chose not to look up to say anything. But I don't know for sure. If it was the case that she DID know I was walking towards her, then I believe she didn't say anything because she may have been still waiting for me be a man, show confidence and for me to get into a conversation with her to tell her my name. Or maybe was just waiting for me to speak first and _then_ she would look up and speak to me. Or possibly it was just as you say... she possibly just lost interest (which would be because of my blundering).



Futures said:


> And yeah...the photo on her cube wall....strikeout. It's a 95% certainty that that is her boyfriends. Girls don't do cheek to cheek pictures with guys they are just friends with, then hang those pics in their cube to stare at for 8 hours a day.


I agree. There is very little chance that this guy is anything other than her boyfriend. Whether she is still with this guy anymore, I don't know. It was, after all, 3-4 months ago when I seen that photo. HOWEVER, there IS a way I could find out her current relationship status. I could ask her friend (my co-worker in my department). But that could open up a whole other can of worms. If I ask my co-worker about Amy relationship status, then of course the first thing she is going to do is go up to Amy and tell her I had asked if she was in a relationship. Obviously things are currently awkward between me and Amy, for all the reasons I mentioned before. So with the situation as it presently is, me asking is she is seeing someone is not something I want her to know at this point. It will be of absolutely no use at the present time to let her know I'm asking about her relationship status with the current situation as it is. Now, if we were both calling each other by our names (I, in fact, have already been calling her by name) and there was no awkwardness between us, then sure, I would have no problem if she knew I was asking about her relationship status. But as the situation currently is, it would just make everything even more uncomfortable between us. However, if I ever ask my co-worker friend about Amy's relationship status and I find out if she has a boyfriend, then I'm going to ask about how long Amy has had the boyfriend (my co-worker friend is good friends with Amy, so there is a decent chance she will know). If I find out she been with this guy for a year or more, then that means she was already in a relationship when I first met her. So that means chances are she was just being very friendly towards me (though I find it that a strange a girl already in a relationship would be repeatedly SO extra friendly to another guy, knowing that consistently being extra friendly to another person is normally how you would show that person you are interested in them). However, if she started the relationship with her boyfriend sometime AFTER she met me, then that probably means she just gave up on me and move on to someone else.

I don't know when, but at some point in time I will ask my co-worker friend. It most likely will be if/when Amy and me ever get on the same page. lol.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

nothing to fear said:


> you're obsessing about it too much and you need to move on. focus your energy and attention on some other girl(s) you may be interested in and who you would have a chance with to go further than a "hi" every week.


Yes I've probably been focusing on it a little too much. But I don't want to give the impression I'm spending 24 hrs a day obsessing over her, because that's not the case. However, I do think about her quite a bit. I think it's a normal consequence for a lot us that don't have much of a life do to our SA. We finally meet someone that we like and makes us happy, and they apparently like us back, so we end up focusing our thoughts on them. "Normal" people (those without SA) wouldn't necessarily focus in on one person. They would play the field and look around at other possible options. Our SA makes it hard for us to do this because it's hard enough to work on getting friendly with ONE person, much less many people.



scairy said:


> I'd say you thought way too much through out it all.
> 
> Also be careful; don't let your mind play games on you. You mentioned in the initial post it would be nice to know a girl I really like likes me too. But what you have to realize is you like her more than just a friend but she likes you as a friend. Never let your mind lead you down an unrealistic path that it could become something more than friends. In the end you'll only be hurt.


That's a problem I tend to have - I can overthink things in my head and end up not taking the action I need to take. You're right, my mind has been my enemy. Instead of thinking about it so much (especially early on after I first met her) I should have just walked up to her and said something like, "You know what, I don't think I told you my name. My name is..." Instead I just let it build up in my mind and the precious few chances I had to get the situation set straight, well, I blew it.

You say she may only see me as a "friend", and that may be true, but at one point I think she really WAS interested in me as more that a friend. Now that she has seen my weaknesses, I think there is no way she can see me in the light she thought I was in the beginning. My only chance is to improve myself as a person to show myself as strong and confident so she - or anyone else - can see me differently.



SAgirl said:


> That was the cutest story ever. Loved it!
> 
> You could wait for her to ask your name or you could tell her your's first.
> 
> ...


Well, now that it has been a full year, I think it will be too hard for her to now ask me my name. I still do plan on telling her my name when/if I ever get a good chance.

You say that just because someone looks at you, it don't necessarily mean anything. Yes that's true. However, in my case it was more than her looking at me. She would ALWAYS smile and wave at me, and say hi to me whenever she saw me (At least in the first several months of me knowing her). Just a small example: One day - about a couple of months after our first official meeting (the one of the "hanshake" incident) - I had come to work a few hours hours early and as I was clocking in on the time clock in the hallway outside the breakroom, "Amy" (again, this is not her real name) and another woman (a co-worker of hers) were walking by me at the same time I was punching in on the time clock. As Amy walked by, she patted me on the shoulder and said, "Working overtime today, huh?". I mean, if you add all these things up (not that one incident only, but everything I have talked about), then would I be brainless NOT to think she was interested in me? I think there is a difference in someone showing some friendless and that of being MORE than friendly to someone. If a member of the opposite sex is being overly friendly to someone, then doesn't that person (the one being overly friendly) just HAVE to know the person they're being overly friendly to is going to see it as "signals" from her/him?

That's why I think she showed all the signs of being interested in me (at least at one point).

SAgirl, to answer your question as to who said hi first, it was actually her that started saying "hi" to me, and she began the "waving" thing first also.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I just want to say I’ve may have given the impression in my last few posts that she doesn’t like me or is not friendly towards me anymore. That is not the case. She still shows friendliness torwards me, still says hi, and still waves – (though she waves only occaisionally instead of everytime as before). She just doesn’t do all this as much as she did before. But considering she doesn’t know my name and therefore doesn’t call me by it, it is certainly understandable to me how it is not easy for her to talk to me the way a couple of friends would talk to each other. The friendliness between us and whatever “relationship” we currently have can only go so far without BOTH of us calling each other by our names. It just HAS to be so awkward (there’s that word again. lol) for her to talk to me without ever calling me by my name. It obviously would be too embarassing to her, after all this time, for her to ask me what my name is. That is a big reason I want to tell her my name – so she will not feel uncomfortable whenever she sees me. If I’m ever able to get into a position to tell her my name, then I believe it will “take a load off her shoulder”, as the old saying goes. She then can start calling me by name and won’t have to feel uncomfortable and tense anymore in regards to my name.

My biggest fear is that, because it has gone on SO long without her ever calling me by my name, that if I tell her my name then she will feel funny calling me by it. Or she may feel something like, “Well, he made it a point to tell me his name, so now everytime he sees me he is EXPECTING me to call him by his name. I guess I GOT to now constantly call him by it everytime I see him.” Maybe I’m overthinking it, but that is a fear I have – that it now can’t be a natural process of her calling me by name, even if I tell her my name. 

I certainly hope it doesn’t turn into that situation.


Lifetimer


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## lonesomeboy (Aug 29, 2005)

god i read this and felt so sad. I know the feeling honestly because I've been in a similar situation. But after a year you haven't even introduced yourself? Why not just say 'Hi iam so and so. I've seen you around and I thought I introduce myself'? 
Judging by your long and detailed posts you seem really obsessed with the whole situation. I say just forget about the whole thing and move on because the more your over analyse the whole thing the more you are going to get more depressed about it.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

lonesomeboy said:


> god i read this and felt so sad. I know the feeling honestly because I've been in a similar situation. But after a year you haven't even introduced yourself? Why not just say 'Hi iam so and so. I've seen you around and I thought I introduce myself'?


Well, we basically had an "introduction" when we had our first conversation together (as I talked about in the first post of this thread). The problem was, for the reasons mentioned in my original post, I just forgot to tell her my name. And the whole name situation just slowly grew worse and worse over the past year. I still have not given up on somehow finding a way to tell her my name, because as I said we still show friendliness towards each other.



lonesomeboy said:


> Judging by your long and detailed posts you seem really obsessed with the whole situation. I say just forget about the whole thing and move on because the more your over analyse the whole thing the more you are going to get more depressed about it.


Yes, you are right in that I think I AM obsessed about the situation. However, I don't think I'm obsessed about her but the *SITUATION* itself. I just want to take away the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of the situation by telling her my name. It does seem unthinkable that over a year's time I would have so few opportunties to tell her my name, but it's true. I have just so rarely been around her when she is by herself. The very few times I had a chance, I blew it. I will NOT blow again it if I get another chance - if for no other reason for the sake of my own peace of mind.

I agree that my posts tend to be long (I know you are not complaining; I'm just trying to explain a bit about my long posts). A big reason is because I'm a stickler for detail. lol. It's just that I don't feel I have anyone to talk to when I have personal situations such as this. I don't feel comfortable talking about these type of things with any of my family members, and the only friends I have are my "work friends" - a few individuals of which I really only socialize with at work. And of course I can't tell them about this because they will obviously go tell Amy what I tell them. So I come here because I know there are actual people here that will listen. I guess that's a reason why I have a tendency towards long posts.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I’ve finally come to accept the reality of my situation.

Eveyone here who said to forget about “Amy” is absolutely right. It finally hit me yesterday when I left my department on my way to lunch. As I was passing through Amy’s department (as I have no choice but to do everytime I leave my department) I saw Amy step out from her cubicle about 10 feet in front of me. She gave a very quick glance towards me – and a few of my fellow coworkers who were also walking beside me – and then she turned forward and continued to walk in the same direction as I was going. She then whipped out her cellphone and began talking (therefore I had no chance in talking to her and therefore telling my name). Although I couldn’t hear what she was saying, my guess is that she was probably talking to her boyfriend. I can’t say 100% for sure she has a boyfriend, but I’m pretty certain she does after seeing that picture on her desk a few months ago of her and a guy hugging each other, cheek to cheek, smiling into the camera. Anyway, my guess is there is a good chance she was talking to that guy – or at least some guy. I say “or at least some guy” because a girl that is a real catch like Amy is NEVER without a guy UNLESS she CHOOSES to be. So anyway, while she is walking down the hallway, talking on her cellphone, a guy walks past her and waves. She waves back. Sound familiar? :lol So I’m thinking, “How many guys is she friendly to here at work?” Even though he waved first to her, I’m sure that wasn’t the first time they seen each other. They had to be friendly to each other before that. So as I said, it’s like – how many guys is she friendly with there? (at our workplace – or anywhere else for that matter).

I guess I had built up in my mind that I was the only guy at work she was really friendly with. As I said in a previous post, she DID seem extra friendly towards me ever since I’ve known her. Was she also all this time EXTRA friendly to other guys there, as she was with me? I don’t know because about the only time I see her is in her department. I of course have my own job to do, so I don’t follow her around all day to see who she talks to or what she does. However, I’ve rarely seen her interact with another guy aside from myself and her fellow coworkers in her department (which is only a few guys). So I guess that’s why it seemed like I was the only guy she smiled to, waved to, said hi to, and was friendly to. And for the longest time she would do it anytime the chance presented itself, and she did it with enthusiasm. I’m usually cautious when I see a girl being friendly. If a girl is friendly towards me then I usually assume that she is ONLY being friendly and that’s all. But in this case this girl, Amy, was going beyond that of being “only” friendly. So I guess I’ll never know for sure if she was ever really interested in me or not … because now I have given up any real hopes of anything ever happening between us. I’ve come to accept it. I’ve just been fooling myself thinking I had any chance – especially when she apparently is in a relationship. Heck, she may be even living with that guy in her photo. (I don’t think she is married.)

So what have I learned from all this? Well I learned even though I’ve felt like I have over the last couple of years improved my SA condition, I still have a ways to go. I think my lack of social experience and lack of confidence in dealing with women is what was a problem in my interactions with Amy. That is an area I need to improve. But the biggest lesson I learned is: 

HE WHO CARES LEAST, WINS!

Or maybe more accurately, he who cares most, loses. That old saying is so true. Even though Amy was very friendly towards me - as friendly as a person can be without ever knowing the other person’s name - I was obviously more emotionally invested in her than she was in me. She already has a life. Evidence: she has many photos tacked up in her cubicle (including apparently that of her boyfriend), I’ve seen her several times talking on her cellphone (more indication she has a life), and she’s attractive and outgoing. Me? I’ve had a lifetime of SA that is the source of me never being in a relationship, and living practically like a hermit. Yes I know, she doesn’t know this about me. However, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she can sense I don’t have much of a life. The point is that she doesn’t care anywhere near to the degree that I care. As I said, she already has a life and DOESN’T HAVE to care like I do. Therefore, I care the most and I lose.

Oh I still plan to tell her my name if I am ever given the chance, but it is not a priority that it once was. It’s not as big a deal anymore to me. I’m no longer going to be walking around at work all day thinking, “When will I get my chance to tell her?”. If it happens, it happens. If not, then, well, it doesn’t really matter because obviously nothing was going to happen between us anyway. I’d like to tell her for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can have the confidence to tell her. But I am no longer doing it for the reason in hopes of something happening between us. That is a fantasy, not reality. You know, I’ve often wondered what she would think if she knew about this thread (and of course, knew it was about her). Would she be touched by it, or would she just think I was just a guy obsessed with her? I don’t know. I can feel fairly confident about this: I doubt if she has spent one second of time or energy posting at a forum about me, or anyone else for that matter.

I want to thank everyone here for your advice during the past year and for letting me know I need to move on and forget about this girl. Other than replying to someone’s post, I will only post on this thread again to let you know the details of when/if I ever get around to telling Amy my name. I feel I owe everyone here that – especially after putting everyone here through all my LONG posts. :thanks 


Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

"Amy" seems too outgoing anyway. I mean, would a girl that chats on her cellphone at every given opportunity, probably goes out to parties/bars/clubs every week, and has countless guys waiting in the wings like hawks for her to break up with her BF... is somebody like that really going to put up with a guy like most of us on this site who have severe SA and barely leave the house? 

There's just no way for two people to be compatible when they're worlds apart socially. I see girls that are just like her all the time. Standing there admiring their beauty is nice, but I realize that's as far as I'll ever make it with them because socially I don't stand a chance.


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## nu shoez (Dec 13, 2006)

I can't believe nobody brought this up, but doesn't this situation sound quite a bit like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry didn't know the name of the one girl he was DATING...?? haha, and it ended up being Dolores or something.....anywho, Lifetimer, I'm glad u came to that realization...it always sucks when u realize someone isn't as interested in you as you are in them..good luck to u!


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

The saga continues.

Oh, how I was hoping to god that my next post on this thread would be about me finally telling "Amy" my name. Unfortunately this is not the case. I know I said in my last post on this thread that I have giving up on getting into a realtionship with "Amy" (not her real name). Well yes I have given up on any real hopes of us being together. I also said I wasn't going to post on this thread again until I am actually able to tell her my name. No, that hasn't happened yet, and since nothing has been resolved yet then I think some of you may be tired of this thread. You probably prefer that I would only bring up this thread again if I actually did manage to tell "Amy" my name. However, I thought I'd post here for as much as for myself as for anyone else. Meaning&#8230; I am posting here to tell myself what I've been doing wrong and what the ACTUAL problem is. This way I - and hopefully others as well - can learn from my mistakes and what needs to be done.

As everyone knows that has read this thread, I have - for the past 1 year and 2 months -basically been obsessing over telling my name to the girl that I like at work. As I mentioned in the 1st post of this thread, when I first met her and had my first conversation with her (and really the only actual bona-fided conversation with her ever since), I asked her name but forgot to tell her mine. Ever since then I've been trying to get into a situation to where I could tell her my name. You can read throughout this thread at all the things that went wrong in my attempt to tell her my name.

So here is the latest situation.

Yesterday I arrived at work a few minutes early as always. I got out of my car and proceeded to walk to the main entrance door to begin my workday (I work somewhat different hours than Amy). As I got about halfway there, I realized that, OMG, it's Amy walking towards me! I've been waiting for a great opportunity like this for so, so long! This was the opportunity to talk to her without any of the problems I've had before that kept me from talking to her (such as her being busy working, or her co-workers standing nearby to hear us, or just the rareity of me being in a position to talk to her at all). So now it was just her and me in the parking lot - she walking towards me (to get to her car) and me walking towards her! She apparently is already leaving early for the day because she is carrying some sort of lunch bag, and something like a thermos, and something else as well. Now you're thinking, "Ok, now Lifetimer will FINALLY get that huge burden off his shoulders &#8230; that of telling her his name!"

Not so fast.

This was the FIRST time I've EVER seen her walking out to the parking lot. I've only seen her outside the building at all about 3 or 4 times over the past year, and each time she was standing near the door talking on her cellphone. As always, when I see her pop up out of nowhere or see her somewhere I just don't expect her to be, it surprises me so much that I'm not prepared to say anything to her other than "Hi, Amy". That was also the situation in this case. Her work day generally ends about an hour before my workday ends (Her department has a flexible schedule, so she doesn't necessarily start and end everyday at the same time. However, most of the time she tends to keep the same hours). Apparently this day she is deciding to leave work early - very early. So when I see her, it surprises me very much. I've never expected I'd ever see her and and have a chance to talk to her in the parking lot, because it has never happened before. Therefore, I am totally surprised and UNPREPARED!! So, as I am walking by her, all I could do was smile and say, "Hi Amy". She replies back, "Have a good one". I then finished walking into the building to start my workday - with my entire day already having been completely ruined because I blew my chance. It wasn't so much that it was a blown opportunity that upset me so much, but that it was an opportunity that was SO, SO, SO RARE. For all I know, it might not be for another 1 year and 2 months again before I ever have another chance like that.

So what happened, you ask? Well, there were a few things that derailed me, and I know they're all going to sound like excuses. So let me list the reasons:

1. To begin with I had just gotten to work, and everyday when I get to work it takes me a few hours just to "warm up". Not physically warm up but mentally warm up. Maybe (and most likely), it's my SA, but my confidence is at it's lowest when I arrive at work every day. Every day it takes between 2 - 4 hours before I loosen up and can decently interact with others. As I said, I had JUST arrived at work. I just wasn't feeling confident at that moment, and that was a moment that I definitely needed confidence!

2. It somehow had an odd feeling to me if I had stopped her and had a conversation with her as I was heading towards the entrance way to go to work and she was leaving for the day to go home. I don't know how to describe my feeling, but it was something of a feeling like she could have thought, "I'm going home now. If we have any conversations then we are suppose to talk while we are in the building during our work hours." I know it sounds silly but that was the feeling in my head.

3. This third reason probably affected me the most. This reason being that because I was so surprised to see her, I was totally unprepared. From the time I saw her walking towards me, I had only a few seconds to think of something to say. I didn't want to walk right up to her and just blurt out how I had never told her my name. That would make the whole situation uncomfortable if I had just said that and nothing else. I wanted to start some sort of conversation first, no matter how meaningless it would be - THEN I would casually bring up how I forgotten to tell her name. The problem was in those few seconds I had to think of something and I just couldn't thing of anything to say! Of course, it wasn't until afterwards that I thought of something to say that would've gotten the conversation going. I could of asked her if she was leaving early or why she was leaving early. That would of got the conversation rolling, and then I would've casually mentioned that I had forgotten to tell her my name&#8230; maybe even telling her in a joking kind of way. But I had probably less than 10 seconds to think of something, and at the time I didn't fully realize she was leaving for the day. I thought at the time maybe she was just going to her car. This is because she usually doesn't leave for the day until several hours later (than at that time). Well, it did turn out she was leaving for the day but by the time I realized it it was too late.

But in the end I guess all those reasons don't matter, because no matter how legitimate those "excuses" are - and I believe they are legitimate - to me they are just excuses. After this latest episode I've come to realize what the REAL problem is. It finally has dawned on me. Yes, everything I've said in this post and all my other posts are true as to why I've never been able to tell Amy my name. But to me, in the end, they are all excuses. The bottom line of what the real reason of why I am where I am with the "Amy" situation is &#8230; F-E-A-R!!!

I am going to continue my thoughts about fear and other things on the post below, because this post is getting too long. Please proceed to the post below.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

To continue my post from above, fear is what has been a huge problem for me my entire life. Let me ask you a question: What is SA? Basically, fear! Even though I've felt fear my entire life, I've just never realized before how much fear has ruled - and ruined - my life. I guess fear had become such a way of life for me that I've never knew how it was in control of my life. Yesterday was the first time I've REALLY came to that realization. I knew I felt fear but I always made excuses and reasons as to why I couldn't do something or why certain things turned out the way they did for me. All this time it was fear keeping me from doing what I needed to do.

I will reinterate &#8230; I can give out all the excuses I want - no matter how legitamate - the bottom line is that I now have come to believe the thing that stopped me yesterday with Amy, and all the other times over the past 1 year and 2 months, is *fear*. Yes, it's true if I hadn't had all the problems I've had (and listed on this thread) in trying to talk to her over the past year that I _may_ have been able to manage to talk to her and tell her my name. But I now realize, in the end, it was fear stopping me. I say this because I think I could've and should've somehow fought through whatever problems I had faced, and I should've somehow got into a conversation with her. I now know the REAL problem was - and is - FEAR.

Do you know the only real conversation I've ever had with Amy is the first time we met and talked with each other? (as I detailed in the first post of this thread). When I say our only "real" conversation, I mean both of us standing still, face to face, talking to each other. That is what I call a "real" conversation. We have talked many other times since, but it has always been in passing, such as when I happen to walk past her or she walks past me. One of us would throw out a one line sentence such as "Hi" or "How's it going?", or some other quick one line comment as we are passing by each other. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that I believe I have a real fear of having a conversation with her. There have been a few instances where instead of walking by her, I could've came to a complete stop and had a conversation with her. Instead, because of fear, I have never done this (except for that very first and only conversation we've had). Instead of coming to a complete stop and talking to her, I have always only walked past her and threw out a comment such as "Hi" or whatever. As I talked about before, there have not been many chances for me to talk to her at all. But of the few chances I've had, there were times where I could've came to a complete stop and talked to her instead of walking past her and throwing out a one line comment.

One other thing that fear plays a part in is that she basically intimidates me. This is not something she tries to do of course. I say she intimdates me because not only do I think she is very attractive, but she seems to really got herself together. She has a friendly, outgoing personality and she really comes across to me as sure and confident. Even more intimidating to me is she obviously has a life with things going on in it. I heard her talking recently to a co-worker of mine (a girl) who is a good friend of hers. They were talking about doing something together that weekend. I wasn't able to hear the entire conversation but I heard Amy say, "Michael has the Kentucky Derby thing going on Saturday. Maybe we could get together then." I suppose "Michael" must be her boyfriend. Aside from that, what is really intriguing is how her apparent boyfriend is somehow into or involved with the Kentucky Derby. Was he attending the Kentucky Derby or what was his involvement? Isn't usually people who are into things like the Kentucky Derby &#8230; aren't they usually big shots with money? This doesn't sound like some dude making 9 or 10 dollars an hour. Anyway other signs that she has a life is that she has many pictures stuck up in her cubicle (including that of apparently her boyfriend), and I see her fairly often talking on her cellphone. Contrast that with me, a guy who has SA all his life and therefore, has had no life. That is why I am imtimidated by her.

Since she apparently has a boyfriend, my goal is not necessarily to try to get into a relationship with her - unless that's what she wants. My goal is more simple than that. It is to simply to tell her my name. As I said before, she really is a friendly and classy girl. And I think it is hurting her inside not to acknowledge me by my name - especially since I always call her by her name. That has to make it more painful to her. Since my co-worker (which is her good friend) lives at the same apartment complex as I do and just also happened to start work at our workplace the very same day I did and in the same department as me, I think there is a very good chance my co-worker has mentioned my name before to her. So my guess is that she actually does by this time know my name, however, I think she would just feel too strange, odd, or whatever word fits, to out of the blue start calling me by it. That is why I feel I HAVE to tell her my name so it will be a relief to her and then this entire awkward situation would pretty much be over.

One more point about the"fear" thing. I am just so tired of fear ruling my life. Now that I more aware of what the real problem is, I'm going to focus more on realizing it's more of fear holding me back rather than the excuses and reasons that I come up with. That means I need to recognize when fear stopping me from doing something, acknowledge it and don't let it stop me. Instead, work to find a solution to whatever problem I'm having.

As the old saying goes, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Lifetimer


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

I read the whole thing, mostly b/c I've had similar experiences...Congrats on the realization. But, also, maybe, you can start to realize that making a big deal about this (and probably other things too) is probably contributing to your problems and fear also. 

I was thinking about all the things I obsess over and how these worries just aren't that serious. As dramatic as it sounds, at a young age, I'm already killing myself over nothing. It's one missed shot in basketball...it's one ambiguous comment from an acquaintance. It's one girl who doesn't know your name. STOP. ENOUGH. Who cares? Someone else telling you this, however, as evidenced by this thread which just keeps on going, isn't going to change things. So congrats on coming to one realization but I think you need to figure out some other things also.


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## lara (May 10, 2008)

Hello Lifetimer!
I've read the whole thread, from beginning to the end and I want to say thank you for starting and sharing your whole story such a sincere way. It was like a reading a diary. Actually, it was like reading my own diary because I'm also obsessed with someone and that it was both funny and touching reading how all the thoughts/feelings are similar.
I'd like to comment on the whole situation if you don’t mind. Those are only my opinions, they can be vulgar from time to time but I hope you don’t mind. Well, I start...
You MUST talk to this girl. You MUST befriend with her. You MUST because you’re in a vicious circle where you repeat yourself and you exaggerate the whole thing. You have to talk to her to come out of this vicious circle. Otherwise, you’ll go on and go on like this all the time. But I don’t get why you’re so obsessed with why you didn’t tell her your name. Pls, start talking with her about anything, try to make some small talks (even if it seems hard- I know it seems hard-oh how well I know about it) and you’ll come naturally to the point where you will tell your name without an effort. You would say how come you should start talking to her. You say that there’s a close friend of hers in your department, maybe you can try to be her friend and then, maybe one day while you and the other girl friend are chatting and walking down the hallway, Amy sees you and stop this girl for talking to her and then, you also include to the conversation. I know that’s not a very honest way to approach a girl but maybe you’ll really like the other girl in the end and you’ll win another friend at work. You can also try to befriend with another person at Amy’s department or maybe you can create a situation where you want some files or some other sort of things from Amy and then, while you were near her desk, you can point out one of the photos(of course not with the one with her boyfriend) and say “Oh is that your sister? You look very alike” or “Is that your cat?How cute”. I know that those lines sound stupid but who cares? You start the conversation nevertheless. I don’t know if those could be helpful because I don’t know your work area and your collegues but there MUST be a way to chit-chat with her. Don’t wait until a situation is created by itself ‘cause every time a situation is created, you don’t expect it and then, you finds yourself so unprepared and you don’t know what to say, so you miss your chance. But if you try to create a situation –consciously and prepared- then it could be more easy to chat with her.
I also want to explain my thoughts about why I insist that you must befriend with her. As I have already mentioned in my first lines, I think you’re in a vicious circle where you only see/think of this famous AMY. You just don’t seek for another girls to be friends or even lovers. In one message, you wrote that there are only 3 “hot/beautiful” girls at the work area, including Amy. But in this 100 girls, there must be some other girls maybe not that as “hot/beautiful” as these three, but who has a great personality. By focusing only on Amy, maybe you miss another one. Maybe you miss one not from your office, but from your apartement. What I want to say is, you can’t move on in your social life and I believe that you won’t ever move on as long as you have this obsession for Amy. You say that she is both beautiful and has a great personality but who come you ever know that she has that great personality? You don’t know her very well, you don’t know what is it in her life. Maybe by knowing her better, you’ll change your mind because you’ll see that she’s not a that big deal. Or maybe you’ll be good friends with her, with some common interest and that’d be enough for you. Even if she rejectes you, that’d be better than doing nothing in a subject that is very crucial for you. Let me tell you a story, I have a friend who was attached to someone in his very first sight. He first sees her at outside the school. Later, he finds out that they were at the same school. Then, she becomes his very platonic love for about one year. Last week, he finds out that this girl is in the last year of school and that, she’ll graduate within this month. That means that he’ll never see her again when she graduates. So, he decided to ask her out, and yes- he really did. But the girl rejected him. He was devastated, ruined. But when I ask him, he said that he’s happy with his choice because at least he tried his chance. He won’t continue to say “what if I ask her out and she acceptes?” for years. So, what if this Amy quit her job or fired tomorrow? This may never happen and I hope that this won’t never happen with all my heart but then, you’ll get more depressed than ever. You wrote that maybe Amy is dating with the guy in the photograph when you first talked to her, 1 year and 2 months ago. You see, time doesn’t support you, or time doesn’t wait you! So, hurry up!!!
You see, I wrote a very long message. I hope you didn’t think that I shamelessly intrude. As I said before, I have a very close problem to yours. So, every sentence starting with YOU also means I. I MUST TALK to the guy I like. I MUST be his friend. Now, I’m tired but maybe one another day, I’ll write about my situation or if you want, I can PM you.Please be positive and confident! This may change your life!!!!!!!!!


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

SADFighter said:


> I read the whole thing, mostly b/c I've had similar experiences...Congrats on the realization. But, also, maybe, you can start to realize that making a big deal about this (and probably other things too) is probably contributing to your problems and fear also.


You are correct in your assessment. As you say, the fear is in large part because I am making a big deal in my mind about all this. As lara says in her post, it is like I view Amy as "the famous Amy". I believe that is what I've made of her. It's like I made this regular person into a movie star or something similar. Therefore it cause me to fear her and feel I'm not worthy to talk to her. I guess it's similar to the way I would freeze up if I met a movie star.

I'm working on bringing her back down to earth in my mind. I think a lot of it has to do with my own low self-esteem and self-confidence. If I had high amounts of each then I don't think I would be quite as much in awe of her or anyone else. This is because I would feel just as worthy as they are. I think this is the case with a lot of us that has SA.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

lara said:


> You MUST talk to this girl. You MUST befriend with her. You MUST because you're in a vicious circle where you repeat yourself and you exaggerate the whole thing. You have to talk to her to come out of this vicious circle. Otherwise, you'll go on and go on like this all the time.


Yes, I definitely agree that it is a vicious circle that I am in, and that is why I feel I have to actually get this over with my having a real conversation with her and tell her my name. I can't screw up the next legitimate chance I get (god only knows when that will be) by just throwing out a one line sentence as I am passing by her. If I feel the situation is right in which nothing is stopping us from having a conversation, then I HAVE to stop and actually have a conversation with her!



lara said:


> But I don't get why you're so obsessed with why you didn't tell her your name.


I guess I'm obsessed with telling her my name because we seem to have a sort of chemistry between us and it seems as if she has an extra sparkle in her eyes when we happen to encounter each other. ESPECIALLY at the beginning of our "relationship". Now, because of the fear and ineptness on my part, it's not quite like it use to be. She probably thinks I'm a wimp and thinks less of me than at the beginning. However, considering the circumstances of us knowing each other for over a year and she has never knew or called me by my name - and also that we never had a conversation with each other since our first meeting - we have as friendly relationship as 2 people can possibly have under our circumstances. Another *huge* reason is that because we are still friendly towards each other, it is just really awkward for 2 people to know each other for so long in which one of them doesn't ever call the other by their name. I've known Amy for over a year and I call her by her name often. In over a year she hasn't called me by my name (which I blame myself for). This is just a very awkward situation. And as I said in my previous post, it is my belief that it pains Amy not to call me by my name, especially when she hears me call her by her name. I'm sure it has to make her feel tense and awkward when I happen to see her and call her by her name and she cannot do the same to me.



lara said:


> You say that there's a close friend of hers in your department, maybe you can try to be her friend and then, maybe one day while you and the other girl friend are chatting and walking down the hallway, Amy sees you and stop this girl for talking to her and then, you also include to the conversation. I know that's not a very honest way to approach a girl but maybe you'll really like the other girl in the end and you'll win another friend at work.


That's not a bad idea. Actually, I DO consider myself friends with this co-worker of mine (the one who is friends with the girl I like). We get along well and I talk to her fairly easily. I time to time joke with her, and she jokes with me. She - my coworker - even happens to live at the same apartment complex as me. In fact, just today she was saying she needed someone to help get her new washer and dryer up to her 2nd story apartment. I offered to help and she happily accepted (a guy friend of hers is going to help me). Hmmm&#8230; I wonder what Amy will think if she finds out from my co-worker friend (which is Amy's friend as well) that I helped her get her washer & dryer up to her 2nd story apartment? Maybe my co-worker friend will give a positive "review" about me to Amy for helping her? Maybe, in a way it will be a bit of brownie points? :b By the way, I'm joking &#8230; a little. I am helping out my co-worker friend because she needs help - not because of Amy. But me and my co-worker are only work friends, as opposed to friends who go out and hang out after work. And I'm not interested in her the same as I am with Amy. I wil say you're idea is a good one. The only problem is it is so rare to see Amy the hallway. We (my department) have strict break and lunch times, so it's not like I am walking up and down the hallway all day long. But it is a possiblity that the situation you propose can happen.



lara said:


> Don't wait until a situation is created by itself 'cause every time a situation is created, you don't expect it and then, you finds yourself so unprepared and you don't know what to say, so you miss your chance. But if you try to create a situation -consciously and prepared- then it could be more easy to chat with her.


Yes you are totally right. If I create my own situation then I can be prepared when I talk to her. By me waiting for something to happen on it's own, I have over and over been caught off-guard and thus, unprepared whenever I have encountered Amy. I certainly should focus more on creating the situation I want.



lara said:


> In one message, you wrote that there are only 3 "hot/beautiful" girls at the work area, including Amy. But in this 100 girls, there must be some other girls maybe not that as "hot/beautiful" as these three, but who has a great personality. By focusing only on Amy, maybe you miss another one. Maybe you miss one not from your office, but from your apartement. What I want to say is, you can't move on in your social life and I believe that you won't ever move on as long as you have this obsession for Amy.


I have paid attention to other girls, but overall - at least those girls at my work - they don't measure up to Amy. When I say this I am not talking specifically about her attractiveness. Yes she's attractive, but her personality has given her the edge over the other girls. She has an aura about her - a "spunkyness" about her. She is classy in the way she treats people. I'll give you a short example of a comparision of Amy and other girls. There is this new girl that is very attractive that recently began working in my department. If Amy and the new girl were lined up side by side, most people would probably choose the new girl as the most physically attractive between the two. However, though I recognize the attractiveness of the new girl, other than thinking, "now that's an attractive girl", I feel nothing towards her. I do not get nervous talking to this new girl like I do Amy, even though this new girl is hot. It's because she doesn't do "IT" for me like Amy does. We've all heard of people talk about the instant chemistry they felt towards another person. As I said earlier, I definitely feel some chemistry between Amy and me ever since the first time we met.



lara said:


> You say that she is both beautiful and has a great personality but who come you ever know that she has that great personality? You don't know her very well, you don't know what is it in her life. Maybe by knowing her better, you'll change your mind because you'll see that she's not a that big deal.


You're correct in that I can't say for certain that I know her really well because I haven't gotten to know her closely (yet). It's also possible that if I really had a chance to get to know her better that, as you say, I may find out she's "no big deal." However, from from observing her over the past 1 year and 2 months, from hearing and seeing her interact with others, from the 1 conversation we had and the snipets of one liners we've had during this time (basically 1 or 2 sentences we have occaisionally said when passing each other) &#8230; it is not hard to tell the general personality of a person and whether or not they are a quality person. And I do get a feeling of quality and classiness from her.
As for Amy being beautiful, if I had said that then I hope I didn't give the wrong impression of overstating her physical attractiveness. I wouldn't say she is "beautiful", but I would say she is "cute". I'll try to give a physical description of her here: She is short - about 5'3", she has long, straight light brown hair, that when it is down and not in a pony tail it will reach the top of her rear end. And speaking of her rear end, she's got a great one! Kind of like Jennifer Lopez. :cig She has a fairly thick body. I don't mean fat, I'm just saying she doesn't have a bony body like a model has. She has a round face, and when she smiles she reminds me of one of those cute animals&#8230; sort of like a rabbit or chipmunk, lol. I've been trying to think of a celebrity that looks like her but been having a hard time coming up with one. The closest one I can think of is Janeane Garafalo (not the present Janeane Garafalo but when she was younger about 15 years ago). Their facial features look similar except Amy's is a little rounder. But their hair is different from each other and their body shapes are not the same. However, their voices are suprisingly similar. Amy has a deep-ish voice like Janeane's - maybe even a tiny bit deeper, though Amy tend's to have a slightly more monotone voice. Amy especially sounds like Janeane when she (Janeane, not Amy) was on that one episode of Seinfeld, as the female version of Jerry Seinfeld. For anyone who doesn't know who Janeane Garafalo is, do a YouTube search for a video about her. Try to find the younger Janeane Garafalo, not the older one with all the tatoos. Yuck!
As I alluded to in the first post of this thread, aside from her body, Amy is basically average looking. She just became more attractive to me after I gotten to know more of her and the type of personality she has.



lara said:


> So, what if this Amy quit her job or fired tomorrow? This may never happen and I hope that this won't never happen with all my heart but then, you'll get more depressed than ever. You wrote that maybe Amy is dating with the guy in the photograph when you first talked to her, 1 year and 2 months ago. You see, time doesn't support you, or time doesn't wait you! So, hurry up!!!.


Yes, like the old country song says, "time marches on". I know I need to take action fast and that is what I am working on.



lara said:


> You see, I wrote a very long message. I hope you didn't think that I shamelessly intrude. As I said before, I have a very close problem to yours. So, every sentence starting with YOU also means I. I MUST TALK to the guy I like. I MUST be his friend. Now, I'm tired but maybe one another day, I'll write about my situation or if you want, I can PM you.Please be positive and confident! This may change your life!!!!!!!!!


No, you did not "shamelessly intrude" at all. Just the opposite. I was impressed by your post and appreciated the honest feedback. I am interested in your situation as well. Please feel free to PM me. Thanks for the input. As for your "long message", you can see I know a thing or two about long messages. :lol

Lifetimer


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## learning07 (Jan 3, 2008)

SA=FEAR. Yep. This is like a tv show lol.Waiting on you(hey, what is your name?haha)to tell Amy your name. Interesting plot. You haven't told you her name in 1 year???!!!!! It would be very awkward for you to do so now. I would make a joke out of it to her. Everyone loves laughing.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

learning07 said:


> SA=FEAR. Yep. This is like a tv show lol.Waiting on you(hey, what is your name?haha)to tell Amy your name. Interesting plot. You haven't told you her name in 1 year???!!!!! It would be very awkward for you to do so now. I would make a joke out of it to her. Everyone loves laughing.


Yeah, I guess it IS like a tv show. opcorn

I know it's crazy and unbelievable that a full year (plus change) has passed and I still haven't told her my name, but that's what happens when someone, such as I, has SA and does not have much social experience with people (especially girls). My SA in itself is not as much as problem as it used to be, but I feel the biggest problem is the lack of social experience. I'm just not used to talking with and being social with people. I feel inept, with a lack of confidence and lack of smoothness in my attempts in talking with a girl. That has basically led to the fear in me having a conversation with Amy.

Yes you are right in that it would seem very awkward now to tell her my name after all this time. However, she is still friendly towards me (as I am towards her) and she still acknowledges me when we see each other. Of course, she hasn't acknowledged me by my name yet, but she acknowledges me by looking at me, smiling and saying hi to me. I definitely do feel there would be some awkwardness there if/when I tell her my name, but not quite as much as you would think.

I want to go over a point I made in my previous post about her physical attractiveness. I had said she was basically average looking, with a nice body. Well actually, her looks are unusual in that I don't know whether to describe her as "average" looking or "hot" looking. It's like her looks are average ... and hot at the same time.

The very first time I saw her was the first day I worked for the company. In fact, it was that first day as I was pulling into the parking lot to start my first day at work. As I was slowly driving in, looking for a parking space that day, I saw her for the first time sitting at a picnic bench the company has out in front of the building. She was sitting with a few of her co-workers. Even though she was sitting, and I only saw her from the back, the first thing I noticed was her body. I hate sounding like all that I think about is looks, but I'm a guy and looks are usually the first thing a guy notices (but not the only thing). Anyway, I thought at the time how unusual it was to realize what a shapely body she had while she was sitting down, and that I had only seen her from the back. Most of the time if you see someone from the back and they are sitting down, then you really can't tell the attractiveness of their body. So, now I get out of my car and I walk past her and my feeling is, "She is just kind of plain looking from the front." As time goes on from then and I see her more often, I begin to find her prettier than I originally thought. I don't whether or not I begin to find her prettier because of her being friendly towards me and the chemistry we shared, but it could have possibly been why.

Anyway, I plan to only post on this thread again to reply to someone else's post, or if another dramatic situation happens as in which I posted a few posts above. Obviously, I WILL post here again IF I ever manage to tell her my name. In fact, that is almost a motivation in itself to tell her my name -- so I can come here and celebrate! :yay

Lifetimer


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## learning07 (Jan 3, 2008)

To conquer one's SA, one must begin by speaking their NAME :banana


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

ATTENTION EVERYONE - This saga, after 1 year, 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days, has now FINALLY, officially come to a conclusion!

No, I'm sad to say, it did not end the way I wanted it to. I never was able to tell "Amy" my name, as had been my goal since that fateful day back on March 15th, 2007. ("Amy" is the name I have been using in place of her real name). Now, before I get into the details, I want to say there is no way for me to explain everything and give all the details in only a few short paragraphs. This is going to take a while to explain everthing. What I'm going to do is to break it up into 2 posts. That way it won't have the look of one giant post. The first post explains how the story between me and Amy has ended, and the 2nd post explains what I have learned from all this. So, grab a drink, sit back and take all this in. Just think of it as a internet article. What I'm about to post is what everyone can learn from and how to avoid the mistakes I made&#8230;. because I'm telling you now, you NEVER want to get yourself into the situation I put myself in, one that has caused me so much pain and frustration over the 1 year and 3 months. Ok, here we go:

So at work this past Wednesday, me and my co-workers began walking to the breakroom (the first work break of the day). Just before getting to the breakroom, there is Amy, standing there talking to someone. Amy's best friend - a girl that is my co-worker in my department - is about 10 feet in front of me. Amy tells her, "Hey, I need to talk to you. Come see me at my desk whenever you can." She had a bit of seriousness to her voice, so I'm a little curious as to what it was about. Then I thought maybe I was just overthinking it. So after break, I return to my desk. As I'm walking back to my desk, I look through the large doorway leading from my department to Amy's department (if you'll remember, I talked before about how Amy's dept and my dept are joined together, with a large, open doorway joining the 2 departments together). So anyway, as I near my desk, I look back through the doorway and I see Amy's friend (my co-worker) and Amy talking at Amy's desk. About 10 minutes later, my co-worker is through talking to Amy and returns. I then hear her (my co-worker, not Amy) begin talking to a guy that sits next to her - a friend of hers'. I wasn't able to clearly hear the conversation because I wasn't close enough. The only thing I could hear her say was, "Amy is going to make $22 an hour" and "It's basically the same job she is doing now." So what was apparently obvious is that Amy had gotten another job or position. Of course, after that realization, my heart sank. So now I'm thinking that she probably turned in a 2 weeks notice, and that I would have only 2 more weeks to see her around. The rest of that day was sad for me.

The next day, at my first work break, I head to the breakroom, as usual. As I pass from my department through Amy's department (as I always have to do to get to the breakroom), I see Amy and her co-workers in a big, enclosed room in her department. There was a cake and gifts there, and Amy was standing up, smiling. Apparently she was having a going away party, and it was that very day! (the day after I first found out she was leaving). I had thought it probably would be 2 weeks from now, but this day was her last day there. I found out later that she didn't actually get a completely new job, but instead had found a very similar job within the company that paid more money. It was within the company, BUT&#8230; her new position was at a different company site 10 miles away. It was confirmation she would not be working at my building anymore.

As it gets closer and closer to quitting time, I start thinking whether I should go to her cubicle and tell her goodbye. I just had to talk to her one last time. I had never actually walked up to her cubicle to talk to her before, so there was a little trepidation in me doing this. However, that was a minor issue. The bigger problem, of course, is the entire "name" situation. It just seemed like it would be too odd for me to go to her desk and say my goodbyes like we were good friends - when she has never called me by my name. Our situation was very strange in that because we knew each other for so long&#8230; that there was this chemistry between us and that we would always smile and say hi to each other and sometimes say a sentence or two to each other in passing, we were like friends. However, the thing that made our relationship strange was that, because of the name thing, which - along with my social ineptness - also played a big part in us not being able to easily stop and have a real conversation with each other, our situation could also be catagorized in that we were very much like strangers - a feeling of just a couple of people who knew of each other. Yes, it was very strange how we were both friends and at the same time strangers. Another reason I hesitated to go say my goodbyes was that I was afraid it would make Amy feel uncomfortable&#8230; afraid it would make her feel bad, with a guilty feeling, because she would not be able to call me by name as we are saying goodbye to each other.

So the last few hours of the day I wrestled with whether to go say goodbye to her or just forget it. I made the decision to just forget it, for the reasons I listed in the paragraph above. This decision made me feel worse, because as I mentioned, I wanted to talk to her one last time. About 15 minutes before her workday was over (her shift generally ends about 30 minutes before mine), she walks to my department. I am towards the back of the room working. I see her about 75 feet in front of me, talking to her friend from my department ( her friend is my co-worker, the one I have been mentioning). She obviously is saying goodbye. As she is talking to her, she from time to time looks at me, and I am looking at her as well, though I turn my head and act like I'm working when we both make eye contact. It's just kind of a flinch reaction I have when I look at someone and they are looking at me. After a few moments of talking to her friend, she begins walking in my direction. My first thought wasn't that she was coming to me, but that she was going to walk to someone else to say goodbye. So as she got a little closer towards me, I waved her over to me. I just had to be sure I said goodbye to her. HOWEVER, it wasn't necessary for me to wave her over to me, because she was already SPECIFICALLY walking to me. It was me she was walking to. But I'm glad anyway that I waved for her to come over. It showed that I wanted to talk to her and say goodbye (at least I hoped she assumed that).

As we both walk towards each other and I said, "Amy, I heard you're going to be leaving us." She says, "Yeah, today's my last day and I'm just telling everyone goodbye." For a split second it went through my head to finally tell her my name. However, it would make me appear like a total idiot to do that now when it was her last day there. So, I asked her about her new job and that was when I found out she was still going to stay with the company, but that she was going to be working about 10 miles away at a different site. I told her I was going to miss her and she says she's going to miss everyone here (at this company site). I wanted to convey how much I liked her but couldn't think of anything great to say on the spot. I should have just came out and told her the truth - that I had a huge crush on her since the first day I met her. And that I thought she was such a classy person. Instead, I just said - and I know this is going to sound lame - but I said, "I've always thought you were the coolest girl here." It probably sounded like something a teenager would say, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time. She said in her slightly monotone-ish way -- in that very slight nasal (though cute) sound that she has - "Well, thank you." We say another sentence or two to each other (I can't remember what those sentences were) and then something funny happened, something I've been trying to figure out if she meant as a joke or if it was a natural thing she does. Just like she did when we shook hands the first time we met, she puts out her LEFT hand to shake hands. Now remember&#8230; I detailed in the first post of this thread of the first time we met in which she put out her left hand to shake hands. I assumed she did this because at the time she had a drink in her right hand, and therefore couldn't shake with her right hand. We then ended up with that infamous, awkward handshake with my right hand to her left hand. So with her once again putting out her left hand, was that meant as sort of an inside joke of our first handshake? Or was she still feeling funny about that first handshake and was trying to make me think that she always shakes hands using her left hand? I could say that maybe she is just left-handed, but I'm left-handed and I always use my right hand to shake hands. I would guess most other left-handers would know to use their right hand.

So anyway, if she DID mean it as a joke then I didn't realize it, because I wasn't looking at her face to see her facial expression, to see if she was smiling or not. I was instead staring at her left hand. I stared at it for a moment longer than normal. The reason it caused me to hesitate a bit was because it kind of threw me off. However, I wouldn't decribe it as a really unusual period of time, just a hesitation. As I was just about to shake her hand with my left hand (not my right this time as I did in our first meeting), she pulls back her hand and says, "Oh, give me a hug." Now, I wouldn't necessarily read too much into the hug thing because she has that outgoing-like personality. I've seen her give a hug to one of her co-workers before (an older lady). But anyway, back to the hug. :mushy She has this long, straight, blondish-brownish hair that hangs down her back. As I hugged her, I put my hand on her back and felt her her hair. It was just the softest hair! A-a-a-h-h&#8230;.  I then say, "I hope you will come back and visit us." She said she definitely would. She then said she it was time for her to go and I told her good luck. She said thanks, and that was it.

The sad thing was, that entire conversation was our longest conversation together since that first time we met. It shouldn't had been that way, but because I screwed things up so badly with my complete social bumbling and mainly because of not being able to tell her my name during that entire 1 yr and 3 months of our first meeting until the time she left, we never were able to form any closeness or real friendship without having any real conversations with each other. From the time she walked up to me to say goodbye and during that entire conversation, I could feel a certain level of tenseness because of the blasted name thing. She could never say my name during the conversation, even though I'm fairly certain she actually did know my name. I mean, after more than a year, she just HAD to know it. It's my guess that my co-worker (which was her best friend there) probably had mentioned my name to her more than once. I say this because my co-worker lives at the same apartment complex as me and started at the company the very same day as me. I'm sure she has probably mentioned these things to Amy before. Or, if not that, then Amy could've easily had asked someone my name. Yes, I believe at some point Amy did certainly know of my name. The reason she hasn't been able to call me by it is the exact same reason I haven't been able to tell her it. It is because as time passed, it became *harder* and *harder* for her to call me by it. The same thing for me - as time passed, it became harder and harder to tell her my name. It was like, "Well, a week has passed, I feel funny telling her my name now." The it was like, "A month has passed, I would feel even more awkward in telling her my name now." And so on and so on. I felt that way and I'm sure she felt that way. Now she is gone and chances are I will never see her again.

Now in my post below, I will tell what I have learned from this entire experience.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

(This is a continuation of my post above)

Now that Amy is gone, I will no longer be constantly staring from my department through the large doorway into her deapartment, hoping to get a gilmpse of her, as I had been doing for so long. As I walk through her department (well, now *formerly* her dept) I will no longer be able to look forward to seeing her, with her seeing me and smiling and waving and saying "hi". I will no longer be able to walk through the hallway and wonder if Amy at any second may turn the corner and walk toward me. I obviously will no longer be focusing each day on how in the world I'm going to tell her my name. The funny thing is that I say I'm not going to do this but that was _exactly_ what I was doing at work yesterday! Yesterday was the first post-Amy day, and I found myself by sheer reaction of habit, looking for her. I would be in my dept working and I would without thinking look through the doorway to her dept, seeing if she was there. Then I would remember she was gone. Even more so when I would walk through her dept or through the hallway. I kept expecting the possibility I would see her, and then I would remember she no longer works there.

The feeling now is somewhat like the death of a loved one in which there was unresolved issues with that loved one. It's like that person is now gone and you were not able to resolve the issues you had with that person before they died. Of course, in my case, the issue I had was that I never was able to tell Amy my name. It left us both feeling uncomfortable with the situation and feeling bad about it. As bad as I felt about it, my guess is that it made Amy feel even worse, since I was able to call her by her name but she wasn't able to call me by mine. It REALLY makes me feel just terrible that I put her in that situation for more than a year, up until the time she left. By observing her and watching her interactions with people during the time she was there, I could tell she was a classy person, and that something like not being able to call a person by their name for such a long period of time, well, I know that had to make her feel so uncomfortable and really bad. She probably felt she was coming across to me as insensitive or rude - and I'm sure she hated that. However, I completely understood the situation and I knew it was not her fault. I now wonder how much of a role I played in her looking for another position within the company. I wonder if I had told her my name from the beginning and there never was all the awkwardness between us, I wonder if she would of never seriously thought to look for another position. From what I understand, her new position is basically the same job she was doing before. It apparently is more money, but if it is so similar to her old job, then it can't be too much more money. But then again, more money is more money. The point is, my situation with her could of spurred her to actively look for another position. I can't say for sure one way or the other.

So what have I learned from all this?

I learned that I will NEVER, EVER again forget to tell a girl - or anyone for that matter - my name. If I ever ask someone's name again, or it they come up to me and tell me their name, I'm going to jump out of my skin to immediately be sure they know MY name! I NEVER again want to go through the combination of pain and frustration that I went through with as something so SIMPLE as telling someone my name! The entire saga of "Amy & Me" (sounds like a tv sitcom. In fact, this entire thread has been like a television sitcom. lol) should have never been an issue. If I had just told her my name from the beginning, things may have been completely different today. Maybe things could've progressed to where we could've gotten into a relationship. Who knows??

For the reason I've never been in a relationship or had a girlfriend - or even been on a date (thanks SA!), I learned that I just don't have experience with girls, love, and the such. I just don't yet know how to act and react in those certain situations. I feel like I'm going through the stages and learning processes that a teenager goes through in learning about the opposite sex and how to act around them. I might as well be 15 yrs old again, even though I'm almost triple that age. ((Though if you seen me and been around me, you would think I'm 10-15 or more years younger). I guess it's just going to take more experiences in this area to learn how to act and react to the opposite sex.

Hopefully I also learned to not be so serious about one girl. I need to be more light and carefree when dealing with the girls, just have fun and to not make a girl my world.

I have been listening to a self-hypnosis type of tape program over the last several weeks and I've become much more relaxed, along with feeling better about myself. I had a really bad blushing problem as recently as a couple of months ago (I had even made a thread at this forum about how it was negatively affecting my life). But with the help of the tapes, it has been about 6 or more weeks since I last blushed. At one time I had felt anxiety just from walking through Amy's department (before Amy left), but the last several weeks that anxiety had disappeared. The ironic thing was how, with the help of those tapes, I was now finally mentally ready to have a convesation with Amy and tell her my name. I didn't have the fear of being around her or talking to her as I had before. I was just waiting for the chance. Though I technically had a chance in our last ever conversation, that obviously was not the time to bring it up. But of course now she is gone and, unless she comes back to visit as she claims she will (hey, doesn't everyone usually say things like that?), I'll never get the chance.

Even though I'm so sad she's gone and that I didn't get to have any type of real friendship with her because of the name situation, I have to, at the same time, admit the stress and tension is gone. I'm talking about the stress of me constantly thinking and worrying of how I was going to tell Amy my name. This had become an everyday thing at work. Each day at work I would basically think about it all day long. However, now that she's gone and it isn't obviously an issue anymore, I feel that a great heaviness has been released from me! I literally feel so much lighter inside while at my workplace. Maybe in the end it may turn out best for me that she has moved on. As I said, I learned some lessons from my experience with Amy, and now next time hopefully I will put those lessons to use and not make the same mistakes again.

There is one more thing I am going to do in regards to the Amy situation. I still very much want to know if Amy was married or if she had a boyfriend or if she had kids. I plan to ask her friend (my co-worker) those questions. As I had posted a while back, several months ago I had walked by Amy's desk and there was a picture on her cubicle of her cheek to cheek, hugging a guy. That was several months ago. I'm just curious if she is still with this guy today. I'm curious whether she is completely single now. I know that it won't do me much good now, but I'm just curious. I get along well with her friend (my co-worker), so hopefully that won't be too much a problem for me. However, it still may be difficult for me because I am still not totally at ease with opening up and talking with people - ESPECIALLY in regards in opening up to them in telling them my personal feelings (in this case, telling my co-worker about my feelings for Amy).

EDIT: today - 7/12/07: I edited the end of this post because I had revealed Amy's real name (though, not her last name). I had did this in an apology to her for my ineptness and all the awkwardness that was caused between us because of the name situation. It would been a miracle if she knew of this thread because she in no way has SA. But I'm sure crazier things have happened. Now I've changed my mind and decided to edit her real name out of this post. I just feel more comfortable calling her "Amy" here than her real name.

I suppose I have nothing to fear anyway. Due to the lack of responses to this post (O responses at this point), I doubt many here people know (or care) of her real name anyway...

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I am really suprised that, after 4 days, there has not been at least ONE response to the finale of this story of Amy and me. Over the last year or so, there seemed to be many people interested in how it would turn out. Now, not even one reply. I had figured the conclusion would have generated a lot of responses. It kind of disappoints me. :sigh 

I totally realize my 2 above posts are really long. I hate making such long posts but there was a lot to tell, and I wanted to give all the details to be able to understand the whole story. Those long posts probably turned people off (we are a "microwave society", we want things fast). However, for those who have been following my story, I think it is worth the few minutes it takes to read those 2 posts. 

Lifetimer


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## Scorpio (Jul 4, 2008)

Lifetimer, I want to congratulate you on an extremely entertaining thread, which I just read from top to bottom for the first time tonight. 

I must say you are a gifted writer. I also want to say that I can really relate! I have had several girlfriends and was even married once so I do not have the extreme privation that you have endured with relationships but I can nevertheless relate to your office foibles since I am far from being Mr. Smooth (why else would I be on this forum!).

One thing that just does not quite make sense to me is your obsession about her knowing your name. Does it really matter that much? It is not necessary for a person to know your name to have conversation with. I mean, I have conversations all the time with people whose names are unknown to me. If a woman digs you, it is guaranteed she will ask you for your name or surreptitiously find out by other means. It really should never be considered a prerequisite for being friendly.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Scorpio said:


> Lifetimer, I want to congratulate you on an extremely entertaining thread, which I just read from top to bottom for the first time tonight.
> 
> I must say you are a gifted writer.


Scorpio, thanks so much for the compliment! And thanks for reading this entire thread (I congratulate you! lol). It makes me feel all the time and effort I have put into this thread has not gone to waste. My style of writing is that I pour out my heart and feelings into a post. I know the majority of the time it causes me to make very long posts, but I know no other way.



Scorpio said:


> One thing that just does not quite make sense to me is your obsession about her knowing your name. Does it really matter that much? It is not necessary for a person to know your name to have conversation with. I mean, I have conversations all the time with people whose names are unknown to me. If a woman digs you, it is guaranteed she will ask you for your name or surreptitiously find out by other means. It really should never be considered a prerequisite for being friendly.


You are right in your assessment that people often have conversations without knowing the other person's name. But that is under the condition of normal circumstances. However, the BIG difference is that people rarely - if ever - go a full year of knowing each other and talking to each other on a (at least somewhat) consistent basis, and then not at _some_ point call each other by name. MAYBE this can possibly happen if the 2 people are just civil to each other and have no interest in being particularly friendly with each other. However, if the 2 people are obviously showing interest in wanting to being friendly to each other, and on a fairly consistent basis do talk to each other (though not necessarily a constant basis), then it does become a BIG deal. If the 2 people are a man and woman, and they are possibly each attracted to each other, both calling each other by their name means *everything*. When those 2 people (such as Amy and me) are very friendly to each other for such a long period of time and at least one of them (Amy) never is able to call the other by their name, I can tell definitely tell you it becomes extremely, extremely awkward!

For those who believe the reason Amy didn't call me by my name was maybe because she had no interest in me, I just don't believe that's the case. Yes, I thought about that possibility. But with all the positive actions and interactions she had with me, well, it just doesn't add up that she had no interest in me. The most likely reason was that of which I explained in the last paragraph in the posting I made 4 posts up.

The pain of a situation like I went through is why I hope everyone can learn from my experience. Trust me, you do not want to be here some day writing a similar thread as mine.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

My goal now is to find out what her relationship status was. If I can find out for certain if she was married or had a boyfriend, then that will clear a lot of things up. I then will for the most part know what the REAL situation was before Amy had left. I really believe at some point during the time I knew her that she was in some type of relationship. The key words here are: AT SOME POINT. Meaning, I don't know if the interest she showed in me was before she met that guy (the one I had seen in the photo in her cubicle), or if it was after that point. If her signs of interest in me happened after she met that guy, then common sense would say she had no seriousness in anything happening between us - unless she was tired of the guy and looking for someone else (me perhaps?). If her signs of interest in me was before she met that guy, then I really blew it. That means I had a chance and I screwed up. This is what I'm going to find out once I have a chance to ask her friend (my co-worker).

The hard part is being able to talk to my co-worker without someone milling around close by. There are a lot of people in my department and it's hard to get any privacy to keep someone else from hearing our conversation. I hope I'm able to ask her about Amy soon, because I'll feel funny asking about Amy several weeks later. She'll think I'm obsessed with her or something. No, I don't think I'm obsessed. Even though I do feel bad Amy's gone, I don't walk around all day heartbroken because of it. I'm more upset for not being able to tell Amy my name and therefore not being able to have given us a chance at any relationship. That's what I'm upset about.

However, despite Amy changing her job location to a different work site within the company, I believe there STILL IS a very slight chance that we can still get together. It all hinges on her friend (my co-worker). If I can tell her friend how much I liked Amy and how bad I feel for not telling her my name, then maybe we can get over this "name" barrier that has plagued us for so long and laugh it off. Obviously she will then tell Amy. And then maybe, just maybe, if Amy is available and still interested, we can then go out together. She may say something to her friend, such as, "Tell 'Lifetimer' I like him too, and I also feel bad about the name situation. I'd be interested in going out with him."

I know it's a dream and longshot, but stranger things have happened.

Lifetimer

*EDIT:* Oh - my - god! I had the radio on and *within 5 minutes* of completing this post, the disc jockey says, "I just love this next song, it's called 'Stranger things have happened' by Ronnie Milsap." And, of course, the song begins playing. I almost fell out of my freakin' chair!!! How weird is that! I had just ended this post with that very statement and within 5 minutes a song plays on the radio with that EXACT title! Wow. Was that some sort of sign????

That motivates me even more to ask Amy's friend those questions and to mention to her how much I liked Amy!


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Lifetimer,

This name thing is a big deal to you, but to her it probably wasn't much of a concern at all. If somebody wants to know your name, they will find out through various means. It's really not that hard. I don't see the name thing being the lone hurdle in preventing you two from progressing forward socially.

Go ahead and ask her friends questions about her. But I'd advising leaving the name thing out of it. It'll only make you look like a chump. You want to show interest without making it seem that you've been obsessing about her for the last year. If your friend goes and tell Amy what you said, it'll most likely come out in the form of ""*Lifetimer* said__________about you." In the unlikely event she truly did not know your name, she will know now.

On the bright side, since she doesn't work in your office anymore, you really have nothing to lose by trying.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Futures said:


> Go ahead and ask her friends questions about her. But I'd advising leaving the name thing out of it. It'll only make you look like a chump. You want to show interest without making it seem that you've been obsessing about her for the last year. If your friend goes and tell Amy what you said, it'll most likely come out in the form of ""*Lifetimer* said__________about you." In the unlikely event she truly did not know your name, she will know now.


The way I want to go about finding out those things I want to know about Amy is to very casually bring up those questions to her friend. Because as you say, I don't want to come across as if I have been obsessing about Amy for the past year (though it may be true. lol). My plan is to say something like, "Do you miss your friend Amy not working here anymore?" And of course she'll say, "Yes". I'll then, at that point ask her if Amy was married. If she says "no" and doesn't mention any boyfriend, then I'll ask her if Amy had a boyfriend. Whatever the case my be, I then will say I've always had a crush on Amy and always thought she was a great girl. If I find out she was/is married then I will say, "Yeah, I had thought she was married." (Even though I have no real idea one way or the other). If Amy is single - or even if she has a boyfriend... she is still single - and I will say something like, "I always wanted to go out with Amy but I didn't know if she was single." After a conversation like this, there is little doubt that the next time she talks to Amy that she will tell her what I said. Anyway, after I ask her friend those questions I will then say, "You know, I have a funny story of how I first met Amy. Remind me sometime and I'll tell it you." The next day - or whenever - when she asks me to tell her the story, I'll tell the story that I told in the first post of this thread (the infamous handshake story). I'll also tell her about how I forgot to tell Amy my name.
I'll then ask her to tell Amy how sorry I was I never did tell her my name and as time went on it just got harder and harder to tell her my name. My hope is that Amy will be understanding, and hopefully this will somehow lead to a dialogue between me and Amy. If Amy still has interest in me then I think there is at least a chance of this happening (that of us talking and getting together). On the other hand, if she has lost all interest, then of course there will be no chance.



Futures said:


> On the bright side, since she doesn't work in your office anymore, you really have nothing to lose by trying.


You are so right. It doesn't hurt to try, especially since she doesn't work in my building anymore. I have nothing to lose and much to gain. My biggest problem now is being in a position to casually bring up the conversation with Amy's friend (my co-worker). There are many people in my department and it's hard to be in a situation to where I am alone with Amy's friend, to talk to her about Amy. It's already nerve racking for me to talk to her to tell her about how much I liked Amy. It's even more difficult if I know someone is going to be within earshot of me telling her this. At some point I will be in a situation to talk to Amy's friend in private, but I hope it is sooner rather than later. This is because the longer I wait, the more I start to fade from Amy's mind, and the more likely she will find someone else (if she is single).

I certainly will keep everyone posted with what happens.

Lifetimer


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Why don't you ask Amy's friend out to lunch at work? It'll get both of you out of the office and give you an open mic for everything you want to say without worrying if someone is listening in. It'll also give you plenty of time to discuss it.

I think you said she lives in the same apartment building as you. So you can perhaps try talking to her then as well.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Futures said:


> Why don't you ask Amy's friend out to lunch at work? It'll get both of you out of the office and give you an open mic for everything you want to say without worrying if someone is listening in. It'll also give you plenty of time to discuss it.
> 
> I think you said she lives in the same apartment building as you. So you can perhaps try talking to her then as well.


The problem with asking her out to lunch is that we only have a 30 minute lunch. A bigger problem is that every day she spends basically her entire lunch time talking on her cellphone - usually to her daughter or her best friend (not Amy but someone else). She sits at the very back of the lunch room while talking. I guess she does this for privacy. Too bad, because I would definitetly feel more at ease in talking to her if we ate lunch together. This is because it would feel much more informal, as well as much more casual as opposed to talking while we are working. I don't like getting into a conversation with someone while working. I always feel like I'm keeping the other person from making their production quota. And also, their is an uneasy feeling (for me, at least) in that I feel we are suppose to be working and not talking. It doesn't bother other people because they do it all the time. I just have an uncomfortable feeling when I get into a conversation while working in which the conversation is not work related.

As for being able to talk to her at my apartment complex, well, she is not in the same building as me. However, I do on rare occasions see her drive past me when I'm walking to my car or leaving my car to walk up to my apartment. I always wave to her, but can't talk to her since she is driving her car past me.

My only real chance is to see her when she is by herself back in my department. This is a fairly rare situation, but it does happen time to time. I just have to be ready and not wimp out. As I mentioned previously, it's hard for me to open up to someone and show my feelings (In this case, telling Amy's friend I like Amy). A lot of it has to do with me being a quiet person and not showing my emotions. I guess that is the reason I have a hard time in telling her I'm attracted to Amy. There has been a few times over the past couple of days when I almost had a chance to talk to her (Amy's friend) but someone else was standing next to me, therefore I didn't ask her about Amy. But even so, I still felt a real nervousness in my stomach when I realized I could've asked her (had it not been for the person standing close by). I'm so afraid I'm going to wimp out if I ever get a legitimate chance to ask her about Amy. That's my fear - that I won't do what I know I have to do. I have to do it for my own piece of mind.

I'll keep everyone updated if I ever get myself to go through with it.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

BIG UPDATE: I did it!!! What a relief!!!

No, no no... I did not tell Amy my name. As I mentioned recently, Amy has left to work at another location for the company. So obviously I cannot tell her my name if she isn't working in my building anymore. However, what I DID do was that I finally told Amy's friend (my co-worker) that I had a crush on Amy. And I found out Amy's relationship status. Ok, let me start from the beginning of how it went down today. Get your popcorn and drink out, sit back and enjoy.

As I posted recently, my goal now was to ask Amy's friend if Amy was married or had a boyfriend. Then I was going to tell her how much I was attracted to Amy. Since she still keeps in touch with Amy, I knew the odds were very good she would tell Amy that I had a crush on her. I figured if Amy was single then that would give me at least some sort of chance with Amy (though, I admit, probably a very small chance). The last several days I had a few chances to talk to my co-worker, but there was always someone standing close by. I wanted to have the conversation with her alone. So today during break my chance had arrived. I had went outside during break to put something in my car when I seen my co-worker -- let's call her "Amber" (though not her real name) -- sitting alone at the picnic bench - the picnic bench I've talked about on page 4, the 9th post down. It was the same picnic bench that Amy was sitting at the first time I ever laid eyes on her. So anyway, I tell myself, "Here's my chance!" So I walk over to her and sit across from her. I start off with a different subject to get the conversation going. We both live at the same apartment complex and the day before the electricity had gone out. I asked her if her electricity had gone out at her apartment also. She said yes, that there was a power outage. We talked about that for a few minutes and then when that conversation was running out, I sprung into action with my questions about Amy!

I said, "Amber, do you miss Amy not working here anymore?" She said, "Yeah, I miss that girl." I said, "Was Amy married?" Amber said, "No, she's never been married." I smiled and said, "Hmmm..." I did this in a bit of a joking way as if this was something that really interested me (which of course it did). She then laughed. So after that, I was waiting for her to say if Amy had a boyfriend but she didn't say. So I then asked her, "Does Amy have a boyfriend?" She said, "Yeah, she has a boyfriend, his name is Michael." However, she didn't say it in a way that sounded as if Amy is necessarily "head over heels" with this guy. She said it somewhat slowly and plainly. I also asked if Amy had any children (she said "No"). I said, "I've always had a crush on Amy. She was always so nice to me." She said, "Really? Amy's a sweet girl. She's got her stuff together and she's a real 'go-getter'." I said to Amber, "I've always wanted to ask her out but I figured she probably had a boyfriend. One day I had walked by her desk and saw a picture of her and a guy tacked up on her cubicle wall." She said, "Yeah, that's Michael." I then said, "I heard Amy talking to you one day about how 'Michael' had something to do with the Kentucky Derby. I guess that guy must have a lot of money." She said, "Well, he works with his family. They (his family) own their own business."

She then mentions again what a nice girl Amy is. She told about how Amy would buy her a birthday present and Christmas present, and about how she would do the same for Amy. She then says to me, "I haven't talked to her in awhile, I need to give her a call this weekend and see how things are going for her." Now here is the part where my memory gets a little fuzzy. She either said, "I got her phone number so I'll give her a call", or "I'll have to see if I can find her phone number." I really hope it wasn't the latter! I hope she hasn't lost her phone number, because I definitely want her to call Amy - obviously for the reason that the odds are great she will mention to Amy that, "Lifetimer has a crush on you, and had wanted to go out with you!" (Obviously she will use my real name and not "Lifetimer". lol). At this point breaktime is about over, so I say, "Remind me sometime to tell you a funny story of how I met Amy." She gets a bit confused and says, "You've met her somewhere else before?" I say, "No. What I mean is, the first time I talked to her." She says, "Oh, ok."

So as we are about to leave the picnic bench to get back to work, one of our co-workers walks up and says, "Lifetimer, I've never seen you sit here at the picnic bench before!" He was right. In the nearly 2 years I've worked there, it was the first time I've ever sat there! I jokingly say, "Well, Amber looked lonely so I thought I'd come over to talk to her." Amber laughed and said, "No, no... that's not the reason. Lifetimer had a _different_ motive for sitting here." She of course was referring to all my questions about Amy! :lol

So, what a relief. I finally was able to talk to my co-worker ("Amber") about Amy. Now all that is left is for Amber to finish the job in talking to Amy. Once she does that, the ball is in Amy's court. Even though Amy has a boyfriend, she is still technically single. I'm not even sure how serious she is with this guy. Who knows... there's always the possible reason (whatever that reason might be) that maybe she is ready to move on to someone else. When I asked Amber if Amy was married, and she said no, I was suprised that she didn't mention right afterwards that Amy had a boyfriend. I only found out she had a boyfriend because I had asked. Maybe this could be a sign that Amy and her boyfriend may not be so close after all. At least that is what I'm hoping. So anyway, if Amy is still interested (with the assumption that she was interested in me before) then she has the option to tell Amber that she likes me and would like to go out with me.

I know the odds are stacked against me of this happening, but AT LEAST there IS some sort of chance! Does everyone remember what I wrote at the end of my post, 5 posts up? I had ended that post in which I referred to the possibility that if my co-worker told Amy how much I liked her, that the possibility was there that Amy would tell her friend that she would like to go out with me. I then ended that post by saying, "Stranger things have happened". As I edited in afterwards, I was listening to the radio at the time and within 5 minutes a song came on the radio titled, "Stranger things have happened". Whoa! That kind of freaked me out! I don't know if that was a sign from above or just an incredible coincidence, but it HAS given me hope!

As always, I'll keep everyone updated if anything of signifcance happens over the next several days (or however long). Keep your fingers crossed that Amber puts in a good word for me to Amy!!

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

*BIG UPDATE!! BIG UPDATE!!*

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh ... I may actually get to see Amy outside of work, and get the name situation straightened out once and for all with "Amy", and also maybe be in a position to have my first real extended conversation with her since that fateful day I first met her! Ok everyone, I need your advice and you have only between now and 6:00 pm pst to give it to me!! Here is the situation:

My co-worker (Amy's friend) is having a party at 6 pm pst tonight (Saturday night). Since we are friends (though I would say "mild"-to-average friends instead of _really_ good friends), she invited me - and a couple of other co-workers to her party. I told her I may come but I'm not for certain - it just depends is basically what I said. I'm stating all this now to help set up the rest of the story. So back to the rest of the story. Well, guess who came by to visit my department (in fact, our entire job site, not just my department) for the first time since leaving to work at another job site a month ago ... Amy, that's who! She walks right up to her friend (her friend is my co-worker who I will call "Amber" for the purpose of this post) and taps her on the shoulder. Amber turned around, laughed, jumped up and hugged her. Amber's desk is about 8-10 feet across from mine, so Amy is standing there talking with Amber, with her back facing me (what a beautiful back! ha-ha) . Amy is telling Amber about her new position with the company, along with all the bad traffic she faces everyday going to the new job site. To make a long story short, after they talk for a while Amber tells Amy about her party - the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. She invites Amy to the party. Amy appeared to be interested and said she will call her (Amber) in the morning. So it does sound like Amy is coming to the party. If I go (and of course if Amy goes) then I will have a chance to straighten things out with Amy.

To be honest, I was leaning towards not going, that is UNTIL I found out Amy might be there. Having SA, I'm not much into parties and I'll probably end up just being "a stick in the mud" with minimal conversations with people. And all the time everyone else would most likely be laughing, talking loud and acting crazy (in a fun way of course), and as I said I will probably be just standing there being quiet, me knowing the way I am. Being wild and crazy is especially true with Amber (Amy's friend), because her personality is that way. In fact, Amber knows I'm a quiet person and warned me her and her friends can get quite wild. So already I'm re-thinking this.

HOWEVER, Amy will most likely be there! That is the only incentive for me to go. Having said that, I'd like some advice and opinions from the good (and bad :lol ) people here at the forum. As I mentioned in the previous post, I found out for sure Amy has a boyfriend (well, at least over a month ago she had one. I'm assuming she's still with him). Also, I was so shy and gutless around Amy during the time I knew her (before she left to the new job site) that I think she may think I'm a total wimp and probably just isn't interested in me anymore -- with the assumption she ever was, which I do think she was at one time. Now, because of all this, should I just give up and stop trying to fool myself into thinking I have a chance with her? Should I just skip the party and make up an excuse when I see Amber at work on Monday as to why I missed the party? OR shoud I go to the party, and when I see Amy I could bring up the name situation and try to explain myself in that I just forgot to initially tell her my name, and as time went on it became harder and harder. I could tell her this in a joking way, with a laugh. Or will it just become too uncomfortable and awkward for her?

I'm fairly sure Amber has probably told Amy of my crush on her sometime during the last 4 weeks (it was about 4 weeks ago when I told Amber of the crush I had on Amy). I wonder how awkward and uncomfortable that could make Amy at the party - knowing I have a crush on her? Or could it be she likes knowing that fact? I already know Amber has already told one of our co-workers. I say this because after Amy came by today and visited, the co-worker said, "Lifetimer was smiling ear-to-ear when he saw Amy walk up". Then he laughed. Yes I was happy to see Amy, but I was not "smiling ear-to-ear". I was more like in a state of shock at seeing Amy seemingly come out of no-where! :shock The point is Amber has already told at least one co-worker, which doesn't bother me at all.

So, should I go to the party and hope for something positive to come out of it with Amy being there? Or should I forget the party ... and in particular, Amy, and move on with my life?

Remember, you have til 6 pm pst tonight to post your advice. :time Well, make that 5 pm. I need about an hour to prepare myself (both mentally and physically) before the start of the party.

Lifetimer


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## Zen Mechanics (Aug 3, 2007)

My opinion only, and I haven't read the whole topic just the last few posts. But if she has a boyfriend, but knows you're interested in her it will be super awkward either way *especially* if she doesn't return those feelings towards you (is there any evidence that she does?).. I'd say let her go, but that's just me..


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Well, after much, much thought in that brief time period and waiting to the last minute to decide, I decided to go ahead and go the party. So now the party is over, here is what happened:

I will get right to the point and let everyone know that "Amy" didn't show up. "Amber" (her friend and my co-worker, and my friend as well) told me at the party that she had called Amy to find out if she was still coming to the party and left a message on her voice mail. Amy never called back. So I guess Amy must have forgotten about the party or was busy with something else last night. Amber was almost apolegetic to me because she knew the main reason I came to her party was to see Amy. I told her it was no big deal and I really enjoyed being there at her party. She then told me Amy actually lives just down the road from our apartment complex (me and Amber live at the same apartment complex). She said she would let me know the next time Amy came to visit her. Exactly how this information would help me, I don't know. By that, does she mean she will specifically call me to tell me to come over to her apartment just because Amy has come by to visit her? That will feel kind of awkward for me. Or was she vaguely saying to the effect that she would tell Amy how much I like her and wanted to see her, and maybe then the 3 of us would go do something or just have a get together at her (Amber's) apartment? Now of course that last sentence is a lot of speculating on my part, but I'm just trying to figure out what she meant by telling me she will let me know the next time she has Amy over to visit her.

As I said earlier, it took much thought for me to decide to go ahead and go to that party. I finally decided to go because I didn't want Amber and the other co-workers that were at the party to think I wimped out by not going. My co-workers already know I rarely go out and do anything (in fact, a couple of them already have made comments to me in a joking way about this), so I didn't want to skip this party and cement in their minds that, "See, Lifetimer never does anything." After I got there and found out Amy wasn't coming, it was actually more of a relief than letdown. There was several reasons for this. One reason is that I think it would be awkward for Amy if for some reason she had brought her boyfriend and then seen I was there. I say this because she knows I like her and she had never mentioned in anyway a boyfriend in all the brief, intermittent times we've spoken to each other. If she had came to the party and seen me there, then I'm sure she would've preferred to be there without her boyfriend. Another reason I'm kind of glad she didn't show up is because shortly after I got there, Amber said out loud in sort of a laughing, joking way, "Lifetimer is here to see Amy." So I was afraid that if Amy showed up then someone might of said out loud to Amy, in front of everybody, "Lifetimer really likes you and only came to the party to see *you*." This kind of thing could of easily embarrassed her or caused her to feel uncomfortable around me during the party. It obviously would've embarrased me and made it hard for me to talk to her.

As for the party itself, overall I enjoyed it and wasn't the total "stick in the mud" boring guy I thought I was going to be. Having said that, I would still rank myself - along with another co-worker that was there (a girl) - as the quietest, least exciting people that was there ( there was a total of only 12 people at the party). As long as a party is more of people just talking and playing games such as cards or dominoes - as we did at the early stages of the party - I do decently ok at not being too boring. I can actually do an ok job at talking and having conversation (though nothing great). However, once a party begins to turn toward being more "wild and crazy" with people outlandishly cutting up, or there's a lot of dancing or whatever going on, that's when I feel I stick out like a sore thumb. That's when I just kind of sit there say or do nothing. That's what happened last night. It started out with us just kind of talking and playing cards and dominoes, and then I guess when people began to get a few drinks in them, the party became wilder. And of course with me and my lack of social skills, I just sit there and smile at the people doing the fun, wild and crazy things, instead of participating. When I say, "wild and crazy things" I mean funny things like someone coming up to you and doing some kind crazy sex dance right in front of you (which a big, fat lady did to me). Or someone talking loud and making loud raunchy jokes and innuendos and laughing at the top of their lungs while you (me in this case, with that same big, fat lady) just sit there and smile and let out a tiny laugh. I wish I could act wild and crazy, but I just can't. I'm just too quiet and calm. And this translates to boring.

But anyway, considering how everything went, I suppose the party went ok for me. It wasn't the disaster I thought it could of been for me. As I said, for the reasons previously mentioned, I guess I am glad Amy didn't show up. One more reason for this is because she would of seen how boring I can come across when people start getting wild and crazy and having fun. I am MUCH better at having regular conversation than of being "wild and crazy".

As for the Amy situation, I guess all I can do now is wait and see what happens if Amber follows through with what she said about calling me the next time Amy visits her. Whether that is just talk on her part, or if she is actually serious about calling me when Amy is visiting her, I don't have a clue. And if she DOES call me to let me know Amy is coming to her apartment, exactly what we will be doing and under what scenario, I certainly don't have a clue for that either. I, of course, will keep everyone updated if/when this happens.

Lifetimer


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

I await the next chapter in this saga...

Keep us updated!


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Lose her. Sever whatever contacts you have with her. If something was going to happen, it would've happened like this time last year. Explore other options in your search for a companion - an online dating site, Facebook, through friends, family or coworkers, a library, volunteer somewhere - whatever. Don't waste any more time with this one.

(Just my thoughts here.)


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I have to agree with Just Lurking.

You now know she has a steady BF, and yet you're still going out of your way to see her. You really have no chance with this girl.

It really is time to move on and set your sights on a girl that is actually single.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

To Just Lurking and Futures,

I know you are right in that I should stop trying to make something happen with Amy and just forget her. Actually, this was my feeling and thought process as I was mulling over whether or not to go to that party. Even though I felt and believed she was/is attracted to me, I went over in my mind the reality of the situation. I know the reality is that she is just better than me. There is no other way to say it. Personality-wise she _doesn't act_ as if she is better than me or anyone else. She treats everyone as if she is no better than they are - in other words, she acts just a regular person. If fact, as I mentioned before, her physical appearance is that of an average - almost plain-looking - girl. That is the first impression I had of her. But at the same time she is really hot looking. I know it's an odd description, but that's how I see her. The point I'm making is that she SEEMS as an average, regular person. But the *real* truth is that she has SO much going for her.

What is it, you ask, that she has going for her? As Amber (her friend and my friend as well) has told me, "Amy's got her stuff together and she's a real 'go-getter'." "She's really smart and going places". When Amy came by to visit the old workplace (as I mentioned in my previous post) she talked about how the company was paying for schooling for her to advance in the company with some particular job (I don't remember what job it was). Amber told me how much Amy is now making and it is literally double the money I make in my measly department (not that I make a lot of money, I only make just under $11/hr). I am beginning to feel she is just getting farther and farther away from me in regards to not only financially-wise, but status-wise. And throw in that I found out her boyfriend works in a (his) family owned business, add all this up, and I end up feeling I am just dreaming by thinking a girl with all this going for her would actually want to get involved with a very regular, spare guy like me. And this isn't even taking into account my history of SA (though I feel I have improved a lot) and my lack of social skills and lack of friends and lack of anything significant going on in my life. The way I see it is that she has all this ambition and drive in her, and everything going for her, and I'm just an really average guy, one that is just happy to do the least amount of work it takes to pay my bills.

Another question you may also be asking of me is: "Lifetimer, knowing all this, why do you have a shred of hope that something could possibly ever happen between you two?" Well, I guess the only thing that has managed to keep a tiny bit of hope in me (and I do mean tiny) is that I believe she at least at one point was attracted to me - maybe possible even really attracted to me. So if this true then she possibly still could have an attraction for me. Also, as I mentioned previously, she really comes across and acts just like a regular girl that is no better than anyone else, when I believe she could easily have the personality of someone that knows they are better off than others - I guess like a "big-shot". And this makes her even more attractive to me in that she doesn't see herself as a big-shot. I guess it makes me feel that since she seems to feel she is just a regualr girl, no better than me or anyone else, that I might actually have a chance with her. I know she has a boyfriend, but hey, she's not married to him. She's still technically single. But the reality is that for all the reasons I listed, I feel is she is just outright better than me.

Actually, after Amy left my job site to work at another job site (for our same company) I DID pretty much give up any real hope for her. The reason I told her friend afterwards that I had a crush on her (of course on Amy, not the friend) was that I just wanted let Amy know how much I liked her and to just have the possiblility out there of something happening - however siim that possibility was, but at least some possibility anyway. I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it. I know my recent posts sound like I've been stuck on this girl and that I've been trying to make something happen, but the things that have happened since then have just basically happened on their own. Because, you know, I was going to the party anyway (because as I previously said, I didn't want my co-workers to see me as a guy that just sat home all the time) and Amy just happened to be invited AFTER I was invited. Though of course the thought of her being there made me want to go more (but as previously mentioned, she didn't show up). And when Amy didn't show up, it was AMBER that brought up the idea of calling me the next time Amy came to visit her. At the time during the party, I had made no mention of Amy and had not planned to. Maybe I have helped things along a little, but a lot of the things that happened lately have kind of taken a life of their own.

I will no longer say anything to Amber (or anyone else, for that matter) to try to get anything going with Amy. I am moving on to the future and to other girls - completely single girls that are not in a relationship - and moving forward with my life.

There is ONE exception to this: If by the slim possiblity that Amber tells me she has talked to Amy - and Amy is interested in me - then yes, of course I would be interested in giving us a try. If Amber invites me over to her apartment in the event that Amy is visiting her, then I will need to know if Amy REALLY has any interest in seeing me - in other words, I don't want Amber inviting me over just for the sake of inviting me over because *I* want to see Amy. I would also want AMY to be interested in SEEING ME.

I really appreciate everyone's input on this subject and welcome anymore thoughts and opinions.

Lifetimer


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## Zen Mechanics (Aug 3, 2007)

Ok dude a few points:

1) She has a boyfriend. That doens't mean she's still 'technically single", that means she's in a relationship. Going after a girl who already has a boyfriend is bad karma.. I've had male friends of girls i've been with keep going after them and trying to get them to break up with me and it was ****ing annoying.

2). You say she possibly may be 'attracted, even really attracted' to you? And yet having sort of skimmed a bunch of your posts in this thread, i can't even find any situation where you've even had a proper conversation with her or hung out one on one. With the whole name thing, don't you think if she was really attracted to you she would be seeking you out and asking stuff about you especially your name?

Not trying to be blunt or anything but you're obsessing so much over this girl it's not healthy.. do you have much contact with other girls or whatever? I would seriously just let it go and move on to other girls.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Good points Zen.

Regarding point #2, based on everything Lifetimer has said in this thread, I have serious doubts as well that Amy ever felt anything for him. He describes her as being an outgoing go-getter. And with a personality like that, she would've definitely been more aggressive and social with him. But like you said, there hasn't even been a single real conversation between them. Their interaction has been nothing more than the usual office fluff talk (Hi, How's your day?, etc)....nothing of real substance. If she liked him in the least bit, she would've made the effort somewhere along the way to be more chatty with him, but that's not the case. She seemed chatty with a lot of others around the office, so it would make sense that she would be equally or even more chatty with him if she actually liked him in the least bit.

And it has nothing to do with the name thing. If she really wanted to know, she would ask. Outgoing people don't sit around agonizing over things like this. I'm willing to bet she knows your name and has known it all along. When you work for the same company for as long as both you have, you can't help but learn who a lot of people are, regardless of whether or not you ever had direct interaction with them. That's just how it is. 

There are 600 people working in my office, and there are maybe 150 of them that have been working there as long as I have. Probably 9 out of every 10, I know who they are by name. And trust me, if someone is saying "hi" to me when they see me, then that's even more incentive for me to figure out who they are.

Perhaps the real reason she never addressed your name is because she was intentionally trying to keep things impersonal. Girls aren't stupid, if a guy is saying hi to them and being extra friendly, they can usually take the hint and realize he likes her. She probably picked up on that early on and didn't want to give off the impression that she was available and interested by being chatty with you and acknowledging your name. So she kept her distance while still remaining professional about it and at least returning the hello.

As for what Amber meant... I think in simple terms she was trying to say that if she ever had any more social gatherings and knew Amy would be there, she'd let you know. I don't think she meant that some day she'd invite both you and Amy over so that only the 3 of you can hang out or whatever. That would be incredibly awkward and Amber would not do that, especially since she knows Amy is not single.


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## IHaveGoodCards (Aug 27, 2008)

LOL this reminds me of last week when I went to a party at my friend's house, and I hadn't seen her in a long time, and she's engaged and I only met her fiancee once, so anyway, I said hi to him, and he said something about his hands being dirty because he was getting food ready in the kitchen or something, so he kind of wiped them on his pants or something so I thought he was going to shake my hand anyway, but then he put out his hand for a fist-bump or something, but I got super confused because I was nervous in the first place about being around a bunch of people who I didn't know, so I basically shook his fist. I was mortified and then tried to avoid him for the rest of the day. I still feel super stupid about it. Later I was wondering why I didn;t just laugh at myself when I did it and be like, "Oh you confused me!" But I think I just blushed like crazy and looked away.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

IHaveGoodCards said:


> LOL this reminds me of last week when I went to a party at my friend's house, and I hadn't seen her in a long time, and she's engaged and I only met her fiancee once, so anyway, I said hi to him, and he said something about his hands being dirty because he was getting food ready in the kitchen or something, so he kind of wiped them on his pants or something so I thought he was going to shake my hand anyway, but then he put out his hand for a fist-bump or something, but I got super confused because I was nervous in the first place about being around a bunch of people who I didn't know, so I basically shook his fist. I was mortified and then tried to avoid him for the rest of the day. I still feel super stupid about it. Later I was wondering why I didn;t just laugh at myself when I did it and be like, "Oh you confused me!" But I think I just blushed like crazy and looked away.


This makes me feel a little better in knowing I'm not the only one that has had a bad experience in shaking hands! :lol

I had the same thought as you did after my bad handshaking experience, in that at the time I should of just laughed and said something like, "Oh, I thought you were going to shake with your _right_ hand." Instead, it was so awkward because I took a hold of the back side of her hand - only a few of her fingers (instead of her palm and entire hand, as is normally the case). Combine that her hands (and fingers) were small to begin with and it had the feel of me shaking the hands a little child. Yes, awkward!

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I'm going to generally reply to the posts of Zen Mechanics and Futures here in this post.

Here is my opinion of the "technically single" thing: If a girl is not married, she is technially single. If she is dating a guy and chooses to date another guy, then that is "legal" in my book. This is because she is not married to the guy she is dating. She is free as a bird to make whatever decision she wants. If the relationship between the guy and girl is a real and strong and committed relationship, then there shouldn't be any real worries of anybody "stealing" anybody. But as I said, if someone is single (not married) then they can, by their own decision, decide at any point to date whoever they want. Now, if someone is married then that obviously is a different story. In regards to Amy, I've never had any plans to steal her from her boyfriend. I never would specifically try to talk her into dumping him. I would just want her to really get to know me and if she decided she would want to date me, then that would be her choice.

When I first met Amy, I don't know if she had a boyfriend at that time. It wasn't until about 8 months later that I finally got up the nerve to walk by her desk when she wasn't there. I say "got up the nerve" because there was always someone from her deptartment close by and I didn't want them to think I was spying or snooping at her desk. When I finally got myself to walk by her desk, that's when I seen the picture of the guy (her bf) and her together. So my point is I don't know if it was several months after I met her that she started dating this guy or of it was before I met her. AND... the point of that statement is that if it was AFTER I met her that she started dating this guy, then that increases the odds that she WAS interested in me the first time we met. If she wasn't seeing anyone at the time, and with al of the signs she had been given me, then yes I think she was interested.

Yes it's true we never really had any actual solid conversations (except for our very first conversation, which I admit was not a really long one, but still a sold conversation). BUT, I fully believe the reason for this was because of several reasons. One reason being a lack of real opportunities, due to the nature of the particular job she had and the job I had. However, the main reason was what I have been talking about all throughout this thread - the fact that I totally screwed up and didn't tell her my name from the beginning. And then for various reasons, which I detailed throughout this thread, I just never did tell her my name and that caused total and major awkwardness and just doomed whatever potential we had.

Both you guys made the general point that if she really liked me then she would've took the action to find out my name, and then she would begin chatting it up with me. Yes, that is a simple and legitimate way to look at it. However, what I think happened was that she felt funny asking me my name when we had introduced ourselves and "supposedly" told each other our names. Well, as I've talked about, I didn't tell her my name, so she didn't know it, but she didn't ask me in the days to follow because we supposedly had ALREADY told each other our names (I'm having a hard time in explaining what I'm trying to say, so I hope you understand what I'm saying). I believe this is where she had the very same problem that I did. Which is as time went on, it became more and more difficult for her to ask me my name. The same as it became more and more difficult for ME to tell HER my name. For me it was like, "Well, 2 weeks have passed and I haven't told her my name, I feel funny telling her now." And then, "Well, 2 months have passed, there's no way I can tell her now." And on and on. I believe she had the same type of problem with me. Yes, for various reasons I won't get into here, I am 99% certain at some point she DID know my name. It's just that as time went by, it got to the point where she felt very strange and awkward if she had just out of the blue begin calling me by my name.

I can't make it clear enough that even if she never had a boyfriend during the time I've known her, that the REAL problem wasn't her not liking me. The real problem was the entire name thing, AND my lack of confidence, and lack of social skills. You cannot under-estimate how important it is for two people to be able to call each other by their name if they want to bond or get close to each other. Otherwise they will alway be like 2 people who just know of each other, and no more. And by me not stepping up to the plate and taking the lead by getting into more conversations with her (and of course making sure she knew my name), well, by not doing this it showed me to be wimpy, lacking confidence -- lacking balls. That is not what any woman wants in a man.

I guess all I can do now is learn from this and not make the same mistakes again.

Lifetimer


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I just want to let everyone know that the long drama of "Amy and me" has essentially come to a close. I was having a general conversation with Amy's friend (and my friend and co-worker) and she happened to out of the blue say, "I'm always on the lookout for a good girl for you". This kind of told me, reading between the lines, that she no longer thinks I have a chance with Amy. I say this because she had once said that she will let me know the next time Amy visits her, so I can visit her (Amy) also. However, in this latest conversation, she makes no mention of Amy. Instead, she says, "I'm always on the lookout for a good girl for you". So I guess she no longer sees me as a possiblity with Amy. So now I realize nothing is going to happen and I need to move on. Having said that, Amy will always have a special place in my heart for the class and friendliness she showed towards me, but yes it is time to move on.

For those that were interested in what Amy looked liked, I came across a video in whch a girl in it looks very much like Amy. The resemblence was so close that I ended up watching that part of the video several times. This girl had long blondish hair like Amy's, she has a roundish face like Amy, and she even talked and sounded much like Amy. And the small, quick smile she gives is much like Amy's smile. The BIG difference is their personalities. In my opinion, the girl in the video doesn't have much class. Amy, on the other hand, DOES have class. The girl in the video is kind of cute, but basically average looking. That is the same way I've described Amy in various posts of this thread - kind of cute but basically average looking. However, though Amy may be basically "average looking", at the same time her personality makes her "hot" looking. This cannot be said of the girl in the video. Unless you met Amy in person, you may not be able to understand how she can be average looking and hot looking at the same time.

Below is the link to the YouTube video. *The girl that looks like Amy is at the 6:30 point of the video*. Remember, it's hard to totally compare this girl in the video to Amy for the reason that their personalities are different. But, yes, her physical looks and the way she talks/and sounds is very similar to Amy. Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-xp0Lew ... re=related

I want to thank everyone that has followed this thread from the beginning. I just wished it would've turned out differently and had a happy ending. I no longer will post about trying to get something going with Amy, because I know it's over. I will only post here again to reply to your posts (if I feel it necessary). I am now focusing on improving my social skills, which are sorely lacking. I feel my pathetic social skills is what in the end ultimately doomed me with Amy. After I improve there, I can then get back to considering relationships with women.

So after 1 yr and 6 months, this thread is essentially, finally over. As they say in the movies, "All good things must come to an end." opcorn

Lifetimer


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