# i thought she was a friend?



## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

Finally thought I made friends. At work, coworkers I have know for over 3 years. One girl I trusted and opened up to. I felt comfortable with her and we had a lot in common. We laughed, we connected. I remember going to therapy and proudly telling my therapist "I learned how you make friends, you make friends with time..." Fast forward a year and half later and I absolutely LOATHE her!! A year ago I confided I was interested in one of our male co workers. He and I ended up dating. At the same time she also started to get close to him. Texting him, they carpooled (he picked her up because she doesn't drive). They even went on a trip together with 2 other girls from work. She never mentioned it to me. By this time he was my boyfriend... I don't think that's a friend. A friend would NOT go to an overnight trip with a friends boyfriend!!!! At the very least she could have checked in with me, asked how I felt about it. But she obviously didn't care. It caused major drama between me and him. We later broke up but continue to date because I'm in love with him and developed an attachment to him. But he still hangs out with her and others. He does tell me and assures me nothing is going on they're just friends but it still BURNS me up!! She was my friend!!! How could she????????????? Now I stooped so low I am actually stalking her on twitter and instagram (i don't have those but her stuff is public) just to see if she ever puts anything about him!! I see her photos with all her friends. She has SO MANY friends. I'm crazy with jealousy. I feel like she chose her friendship with him over me. I feel worthless. I feel like I wasn't good enough and no one will ever want to be my friend. I'm 29 and I have no friends. How does this happen? And how to I let go of this animosity I have toward her?? I feel like she stabbed me in the back!!! She doesn't respect boundaries, she actually texted him and asked him to go visit her at work. He doesn't understand why I feel betrayed by her. I feel like a fool. Like they, all them in their little social group are laughing at me. I feel really upset and obsessed with this. I honestly have fantasies of hitting her with a baseball bat. I'm not going to do that but i feel so betrayed. I just needed to get that out. Maybe people here with understand. To her, I was just a random person, she has a lot of real friends, what does she care that we don't talk anymore? To me, she was my first friend in years. I feel so dumb.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

That must really sucks.


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## jesica24 (May 21, 2012)

I don't want to hurt you more but from what i read you seem a little bit jealous. What if she's only friends with him.? You seem more angry with the girl than you you are with your boyfriend. Is it that you don't like the way she is more at ease with people than you are?
The people you love will leave you on your own if you constantly show that you doubt their friendship. 
A boyfriend can have other friends too. You confided in her and she made friends with him. Friendship is two way. So i deduce your boyfriend is also 'at fault'. Everybody who were in the group were at fault...because you weren't part of the group...maybe you should go a little deeper and find the reasons why you are so angry.


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## jesica24 (May 21, 2012)

I don't want to hurt you more but from what i read you seem a little bit jealous. What if she's only friends with him.? You seem more angry with the girl than you you are with your boyfriend. Is it that you don't like the way she is more at ease with people than you are?
The people you love will leave you on your own if you constantly show that you doubt their friendship. 
A boyfriend can have other friends too. You confided in her and she made friends with him. Friendship is two way. So i deduce your boyfriend is also 'at fault'. Everybody who were in the group were at fault...because you weren't part of the group...maybe you should go a little deeper and find the reasons why you are so angry. 
How do you feel when you stalk?


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## UK guy (Nov 6, 2013)

your boyfriend sounds as much at fault as your ex friend is

I have known guys, and girls who have done the same thing (even full relationships with someone elses bf or gf) so i wouldnt say its uncommon

But at the same time, i know many people who wouldn't betray a friend, for a guy or girl..

Your trust has been betrayed and its hard to let go, but even though you might not have realised it yet, you have learned an important lesson from this.

Dont start thinking of what you should have done in the past to stop all this from happening, think about what you can do in the future to stop this from happing again.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

*really?*



jesica24 said:


> I don't want to hurt you more but from what i read you seem a little bit jealous. What if she's only friends with him.? You seem more angry with the girl than you you are with your boyfriend. Is it that you don't like the way she is more at ease with people than you are?
> The people you love will leave you on your own if you constantly show that you doubt their friendship.
> A boyfriend can have other friends too. You confided in her and she made friends with him. Friendship is two way. So i deduce your boyfriend is also 'at fault'. Everybody who were in the group were at fault...because you weren't part of the group...maybe you should go a little deeper and find the reasons why you are so angry.


SOOOO what are you some kind of therapist????? Look ***** I didn't come on here to have people put me down and make me feel any worse than I already do! OBVIOUSLY I have social problems (that's why I'm on this board and I assumed most people would here would understand because they have similar issues). I thought this was supposed to be a supportive forum???????????? I could have went to yahoo answers and expected that type of response. My main issue and reason for sharing my story is I finally ****ing made a friend and she screwed me over!!!!!!! I DID not ask for advice on my "anger" or anything else. I am really offended and you shouldn't even be on this site because you just make people feel worse. You idiot!!!


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

*and*



jesica24 said:


> I don't want to hurt you more but from what i read you seem a little bit jealous. What if she's only friends with him.? You seem more angry with the girl than you you are with your boyfriend. Is it that you don't like the way she is more at ease with people than you are?
> The people you love will leave you on your own if you constantly show that you doubt their friendship.
> A boyfriend can have other friends too. You confided in her and she made friends with him. Friendship is two way. So i deduce your boyfriend is also 'at fault'. Everybody who were in the group were at fault...because you weren't part of the group...maybe you should go a little deeper and find the reasons why you are so angry.


And so what if i am jealous?!!!!? I have SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! YES I am EXTREMELY JEALOUS of people who make friends easily!!!! YES I AM!! Yes I am jealous of people my age who go out and have fun, go to bars and stuff and dance and laugh and have fun and aren't obsessed with fear of people judging them or misliking them or making fun of them like i do!!! YES I'M JEALOUS!!!!!!!


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

I get jealous too in ways......

Do u think they did stuff? I'm a bit confused


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## jesica24 (May 21, 2012)

bluemonday said:


> And so what if i am jealous?!!!!? I have SOCIAL ANXIETY!!! YES I am EXTREMELY JEALOUS of people who make friends easily!!!! YES I AM!! Yes I am jealous of people my age who go out and have fun, go to bars and stuff and dance and laugh and have fun and aren't obsessed with fear of people judging them or misliking them or making fun of them like i do!!! YES I'M JEALOUS!!!!!!!



There's nothing... I'm jealous too....You are very happy to be JEALOUS. I can see it just by reading your post. Keep it on..
If you feel that girl really betrayed you keep away from her and try to forgive her. Move on.


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## jesica24 (May 21, 2012)

bluemonday said:


> SOOOO what are you some kind of therapist????? Look ***** I didn't come on here to have people put me down and make me feel any worse than I already do! OBVIOUSLY I have social problems (that's why I'm on this board and I assumed most people would here would understand because they have similar issues). I thought this was supposed to be a supportive forum???????????? I could have went to yahoo answers and expected that type of response. My main issue and reason for sharing my story is I finally ****ing made a friend and she screwed me over!!!!!!! I DID not ask for advice on my "anger" or anything else. I am really offended and you shouldn't even be on this site because you just make people feel worse. You idiot!!!


I think you've hurt me more than i hurt you just by telling me this. You made me feel an outsider even here on this forum. It's even worse when you are told by somebody who is just like you that' you shouldn't be on this site'. Where should i be then? There's no place where i feel helpful. It was just an advice. I wanted to be your friend. Not 'screw you' 
what you don't realise is that i have social anxiety too. I've been struggling just like you. I can get real angry and call you idiot and many other ** words as you just did. But i won't. You think i don't understand you. But honestly i'm familiar to that feeling you've just described. The one where you feel all the world is against you and that people make fun of you everywhere you go. Maybe i shouldn't have given you advice. I'll refrain from giving advice in the future. It's just that i'm in a really bad situation right now. The type of situation where i don't see any hope for the futur. Sas forum is the only place where i can 'interact' without any fear and share my thoughts with people. 
And by the way i'm sorry i offended you. It's never my intention when i'm on this site to offend people and make them feel worse. Maybe it's my english. It's not my native language.


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## cali2013 (Aug 12, 2012)

bluemonday said:


> Finally thought I made friends. At work, coworkers I have know for over 3 years. One girl I trusted and opened up to. I felt comfortable with her and we had a lot in common. We laughed, we connected. I remember going to therapy and proudly telling my therapist "I learned how you make friends, you make friends with time..." Fast forward a year and half later and I absolutely LOATHE her!! A year ago I confided I was interested in one of our male co workers. He and I ended up dating. At the same time she also started to get close to him. Texting him, they carpooled (he picked her up because she doesn't drive). They even went on a trip together with 2 other girls from work. She never mentioned it to me. By this time he was my boyfriend... I don't think that's a friend. A friend would NOT go to an overnight trip with a friends boyfriend!!!! At the very least she could have checked in with me, asked how I felt about it. But she obviously didn't care. It caused major drama between me and him. We later broke up but continue to date because I'm in love with him and developed an attachment to him. But he still hangs out with her and others. He does tell me and assures me nothing is going on they're just friends but it still BURNS me up!! She was my friend!!! How could she????????????? Now I stooped so low I am actually stalking her on twitter and instagram (i don't have those but her stuff is public) just to see if she ever puts anything about him!! I see her photos with all her friends. She has SO MANY friends. I'm crazy with jealousy. I feel like she chose her friendship with him over me. I feel worthless. I feel like I wasn't good enough and no one will ever want to be my friend. I'm 29 and I have no friends. How does this happen? And how to I let go of this animosity I have toward her?? I feel like she stabbed me in the back!!! She doesn't respect boundaries, she actually texted him and asked him to go visit her at work. He doesn't understand why I feel betrayed by her. I feel like a fool. Like they, all them in their little social group are laughing at me. I feel really upset and obsessed with this. I honestly have fantasies of hitting her with a baseball bat. I'm not going to do that but i feel so betrayed. I just needed to get that out. Maybe people here with understand. To her, I was just a random person, she has a lot of real friends, what does she care that we don't talk anymore? To me, she was my first friend in years. I feel so dumb.


I think the real issue in this situation is that your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings. She's a non-issue because you two aren't friends. It seems like she simply thought of you as a friendly coworker and therefore, didn't find it necessary to inform you of her interactions with your boyfriend.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

cali2013 said:


> I think the real issue in this situation is that your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings. She's a non-issue because you two aren't friends. It seems like she simply thought of you as a friendly coworker and therefore, didn't find it necessary to inform you of her interactions with your boyfriend.


You're right. I totally misread the friendship and that is what kills me!!!!! I feel humiliated. We were ONLY work friends. We never hung out outside of work. One time I sent her FB message inviting her somewhere and she didn't even reply. That was a few years ago. It should have been a sign. I just can't make friends I guess. It's just destroying my self-esteem!! I need to stop the "stalking" though. Each time I see her smiley face with her real friends, i feel so bad about myself. But I don't need to feel that way. I'm a good person. But without friends, no one to validate that, it's hard to remember. And my guy situation is a mess. He does not care about my feelings. But without him I am totally alone. So I'd rather be unhappy with a guy then unhappy alone. Thanks.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

jesica24 said:


> I think you've hurt me more than i hurt you just by telling me this. You made me feel an outsider even here on this forum. It's even worse when you are told by somebody who is just like you that' you shouldn't be on this site'. Where should i be then? There's no place where i feel helpful. It was just an advice. I wanted to be your friend. Not 'screw you'
> what you don't realise is that i have social anxiety too. I've been struggling just like you. I can get real angry and call you idiot and many other ** words as you just did. But i won't. You think i don't understand you. But honestly i'm familiar to that feeling you've just described. The one where you feel all the world is against you and that people make fun of you everywhere you go. Maybe i shouldn't have given you advice. I'll refrain from giving advice in the future. It's just that i'm in a really bad situation right now. The type of situation where i don't see any hope for the futur. Sas forum is the only place where i can 'interact' without any fear and share my thoughts with people.
> And by the way i'm sorry i offended you. It's never my intention when i'm on this site to offend people and make them feel worse. Maybe it's my english. It's not my native language.


Okay I apologize. That was WAY out of line of me. I didn't mean to be mean or hurt your feelings. But when I feel like someone has wronged me, I strike out! I was caught off guard by your response. I was looking for support, with the fact that I thought I made a friend and I was wrong. It hurts really bad. Not having friends. This rejection. Anyways, I'm sorry. You shouldn't stop giving advice, but just make sure you are giving advice on stuff people are asking for advice on. And I hate being jealous!! It destroys relationships and it makes me miserable.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

HanSolo said:


> I get jealous too in ways......
> 
> Do u think they did stuff? I'm a bit confused


They haven't done anything. I'm just hurt that she obviously chose him over me. And he's a jerk who doesn't care about me anyways. He's not her type so I doubt anything would ever happen. I'm just a big loser. That's all.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

visualkeirockstar said:


> That must really sucks.


Yep, It does really suck!! Thanks


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

temp user said:


> your boyfriend sounds as much at fault as your ex friend is
> 
> I have known guys, and girls who have done the same thing (even full relationships with someone elses bf or gf) so i wouldnt say its uncommon
> 
> ...


Yes I learned a lot. It just makes it even harder now to make friends. I don't trust people!! And these two people I did trust. I let them into my world and they screwed me over. thanks


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## Brisby (Nov 17, 2013)

That's really aggravating and I'm sorry. She seems like she wasn't interested in being a true friend anyway, just a friendly person at work. I hate it when people are like that. I've had similar situations where I thought I made a new friend but they were completely uninterested in me after work. I even tried a few times to hang out with one girl after work after I left for a new job (we work right across the street from each other), but she kept making excuses so I gave up on her. 

Also, I don't understand why that girl and your boyfriend couldn't invite you along to their little trips? Maybe there's something I'm missing here but that seems pretty shady. Not in the fact that they were doing anything necessarily but it just further indicates to me that they didn't care about your feelings. What jerks!


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## shinycaptain (Nov 17, 2013)

Hey bluemonday I haven't been in exactly your situation but I TOTALLY understand your stalking!! Sometimes I do it too although it makes me feel really bad  
I know that it feels so unfair that you've been such a good friend but she treated you like you weren't worth her time and I have to say that unless she knew that your bf was going out with you, I CAN'T believe she wouldn't talk to you about it!! 
I'm really sorry you feel badly, I wish everyone could be considerate and kind to each other but unfortuantely I don't think that will happen. You say you're 29 and don't have any friends- well I can understand that, I'm a bit younger than you (24) but I feel like I know ppl but they're just acquantances and not true friends and I wish I had proper friends too! 
I hope you don't think everyone is like that girl you worked with, and what can I say but have hope! There's ppl like you out there in the world, don't waste your life stressing about the bad ones!


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

Brisby said:


> That's really aggravating and I'm sorry. She seems like she wasn't interested in being a true friend anyway, just a friendly person at work. I hate it when people are like that. I've had similar situations where I thought I made a new friend but they were completely uninterested in me after work. I even tried a few times to hang out with one girl after work after I left for a new job (we work right across the street from each other), but she kept making excuses so I gave up on her.
> 
> Also, I don't understand why that girl and your boyfriend couldn't invite you along to their little trips? Maybe there's something I'm missing here but that seems pretty shady. Not in the fact that they were doing anything necessarily but it just further indicates to me that they didn't care about your feelings. What jerks!


Thanks for understanding


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

shinycaptain said:


> Hey bluemonday I haven't been in exactly your situation but I TOTALLY understand your stalking!! Sometimes I do it too although it makes me feel really bad
> I know that it feels so unfair that you've been such a good friend but she treated you like you weren't worth her time and I have to say that unless she knew that your bf was going out with you, I CAN'T believe she wouldn't talk to you about it!!
> I'm really sorry you feel badly, I wish everyone could be considerate and kind to each other but unfortuantely I don't think that will happen. You say you're 29 and don't have any friends- well I can understand that, I'm a bit younger than you (24) but I feel like I know ppl but they're just acquantances and not true friends and I wish I had proper friends too!
> I hope you don't think everyone is like that girl you worked with, and what can I say but have hope! There's ppl like you out there in the world, don't waste your life stressing about the bad ones!


Thanks, I really hope there are good people out there somewhere. I have stopped the "stalking" and I feel better. When I see her happy face with her friends, doing fun stuff, going out etc. all the things I have wanted my whole life- it just makes me feel soooooo crappy. like really bad about myself. So i stopped looking. OH and she knew he was my BF. I believe karma will get her back, actually from what I hear she has guy troubles herself. Thanks for understanding my situation.


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## Despot (Sep 12, 2013)

Trust me karma is b***h, and she will experience worse than what she did to you. My advice for you will be: When you make a friend and you really trust that friend and you invite it to your world.. dont trust that person emediatly, instead do some trust tests. If that friend is from work ask him/her to go hang out with you outside work or some stuff like that and if you see that the preson like to do that stuff with you than you can trust.

Trust me i had similar situation like you and it was like this. I met one dude in school and we both had each other only then we made new friend and it was group of us 3. Then after a while the new guy turned back on me and pulled my first friend agains me and guess what? They didn't even want to speak with me anymore. Then one girl over internet screw me over big time. We were good in start and then it started to fade away a bit, she didnt reply on messages and didnt want to play games with me like we used to. Then 3 month pass and i ask her to play game with me and she said "oh sry i can't right now, im with friend on skype and we gonna play one game now". She never wanted to speak on skype.. well once we did but she was testing her mic. So like i said do some tests first. Good luck.


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## bluemonday (Mar 15, 2009)

Despot said:


> Trust me karma is b***h, and she will experience worse than what she did to you. My advice for you will be: When you make a friend and you really trust that friend and you invite it to your world.. dont trust that person emediatly, instead do some trust tests. If that friend is from work ask him/her to go hang out with you outside work or some stuff like that and if you see that the preson like to do that stuff with you than you can trust.
> 
> Trust me i had similar situation like you and it was like this. I met one dude in school and we both had each other only then we made new friend and it was group of us 3. Then after a while the new guy turned back on me and pulled my first friend agains me and guess what? They didn't even want to speak with me anymore. Then one girl over internet screw me over big time. We were good in start and then it started to fade away a bit, she didnt reply on messages and didnt want to play games with me like we used to. Then 3 month pass and i ask her to play game with me and she said "oh sry i can't right now, im with friend on skype and we gonna play one game now". She never wanted to speak on skype.. well once we did but she was testing her mic. So like i said do some tests first. Good luck.


Thanks. That's good advice I will remember. I think I definitely thought the friendship was deeper than it really wasn:/Good luck to you too!


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