# I am 30



## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I consider this a triumph because I had passive thoughts of killing myself when I was 18. I never had a definite plan or anything, but it was concerning enough to warrant me not being left alone in my house for a few weeks in the summer of 1999.

I turned 30 on Friday and had a small party at my mom's house. (I live in another city 2 states away now). It was very nice. People from all different points of my life came...high school friends, childhood neighbors, a few college friends, relatives, even a priest I knew growing up drove over 20 miles from his retirement home to come. I could see how much they all care about me. I have to admit, I did feel a twinge of anxiety when they all sang happy birthday to me because I never know how to act when a group of people are singing to you, LOL.

I thought about how much things had changed for me, personally, in my 20s. Some for the better, some for the worse. But mostly better. There still are some SA things that drive me crazy and even exasperate me from time to time (the usual things that bother all of us) but I no longer feel like this "thing" I have is totally ruining my life anymore.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

Happy Birthday! congratulations on that, and for having come so far! You should be very proud of yourself.


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## dollhouse (Aug 20, 2011)

Happy Birthday and thank you so much for posting this! I'm 18, extremely depressed... and am on something of a suicide watch myself right now. 2 minutes ago the prospect of surviving to 30 seemed unimaginable but just reading this has made me feel better. It's hard to see how things could possibly improve when you're in a depression/suicidal state but I guess for you they did, it's very motivating to think things can get better. Seriously, if you felt anything like I do now when you were 18, then this birthday really is an achievement. Well done!!


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

Even with SA it's good to have that recognition and outpouring of love every once in awhile  Glad you had a nice celebration.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

dollhouse said:


> Happy Birthday and thank you so much for posting this! I'm 18, extremely depressed... and am on something of a suicide watch myself right now. 2 minutes ago the prospect of surviving to 30 seemed unimaginable but just reading this has made me feel better. It's hard to see how things could possibly improve when you're in a depression/suicidal state but I guess for you they did, it's very motivating to think things can get better. Seriously, if you felt anything like I do now when you were 18, then this birthday really is an achievement. Well done!!


you're quite welcome, and yes, you sound like an 18 year-old version of myself. Please don't hurt yourself. Not to be cliche', but it will get better.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

leonardess said:


> Happy Birthday! congratulations on that, and for having come so far! You should be very proud of yourself.


thanks leo

...and get off my lawn!


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

sorry. that yellow spot is because of me. It's been a long time since I was taken for walkies.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I was referring to the baseballs that you hit over my fence!


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

what are you doing with the neighbor's balls?


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I'm not giving them back

and this thread derailed in a hurry


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

whose balls? my balls? how did I lose my balls?

My rule is, everybody gets a birthday _week_. Not just a day, a _week_. One day is so short. so Happy Birthday Week!

Gimme back my balls.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

you should learn to be more careful with your things.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

mean neighbor lady.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)




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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

oh yeah? says you!


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Happy belated 30th birthday! Glad to know you had a good one, and that things are so much better for you now. That's great to know!


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Black_Widow said:


> Happy belated 30th birthday! Glad to know you had a good one, and that things are so much better for you now. That's great to know!


thanks so much!


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

senrab said:


> I consider this a triumph because I had passive thoughts of killing myself when I was 18. I never had a definite plan or anything, but it was concerning enough to warrant me not being left alone in my house for a few weeks in the summer of 1999.
> 
> I turned 30 on Friday and had a small party at my mom's house. (I live in another city 2 states away now). It was very nice. People from all different points of my life came...high school friends, childhood neighbors, a few college friends, relatives, even a priest I knew growing up drove over 20 miles from his retirement home to come. I could see how much they all care about me. I have to admit, I did feel a twinge of anxiety when they all sang happy birthday to me because I never know how to act when a group of people are singing to you, LOL.
> 
> I thought about how much things had changed for me, personally, in my 20s. Some for the better, some for the worse. But mostly better. There still are some SA things that drive me crazy and even exasperate me from time to time (the usual things that bother all of us) but I no longer feel like this "thing" I have is totally ruining my life anymore.


1999 was also a huge turning point for me, too. I had bad depression after graduating college. It feel like eons. It's nice to know I won't be going back to that.

...oh, and if anyone asks, you are 29+ :wink


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## QuietBoy99 (Sep 7, 2010)

Only 4 more years until I hit the big 30 with no career; I can't wait.


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## cellophanegirl (Sep 21, 2009)

Cool post. I thought it was going to be an "Uggg I'm already 30 and have done nothing with my life, I'm a miserable failure" post. Good to know that things can head in a positive direction, I'm going to try to use my 20s to do that.


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## lessuffering4u (Sep 2, 2011)

*Happy Birthday*

i just turned 41 a month ago.I have episodic social anxiety so I get freedom from it.Mine seems to revolve around hormones.I get stuck on things people say take them home and roll around for hours why does this person talk to me like I am a child.Why do they feed their egos at my expense do I have the word doormat vortex written on my forehead?Then next day it vanishes into thin air and am talking to them like nothing happened.As for the history of suicide ect.been there done that got the tshirt and left.I had let the cruelty of others determine my self worth and have pretty well triumphed over this using meditative tehniques revolving around compasssion to take me out of my own suffering and pain and realize that others also suffer.Despite the cruelty of others in socila situations I have maintained my composure by staying me with all the pain that accompanies the social cruelty I endure daily I have accepted a badge of honour called tolerance of others.LOL I thank others for the pain they cause me when they speak to me as they cannot seem to speak in soft gentle compassionate ways that I try my best to do towards them but perhaps am guilty of same.:roll The world could use alot less cruelty and alot more love.:ideaThen there would be less people suffering from the anxiety associated with social alienation and cruelty including unimagined social pain that may apear as a by product of depression when in fact it is real alienation and isolation that truly exists.We are taught that if we are different than others it is something to be ashamed of when in fact it is something to be proud of so- the next time someone says to me "you are wierd" I am going to say "thankyou i am working on it" Bullying must die not people.


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