# How do you deal with someone who is always correcting you/always has to be right?



## gisellemarx (Feb 1, 2010)

I know this isn't really SA related, but.... my best friend. I love him. I do. But it seems like he's always trying to find tiny little things wrong with what I say. Just now, I told him there was an app similar to a PC game he plays. Then he went on a tirade about how it couldn't possibly be like that game because of some extremely minor differences. And that really frustrated me, I was obviously just trying to draw comparisons. The other day, I was on the phone with him and I had to vacuum and didn't want to have to make him hear it so I said "hold on, let me put you on mute," and he said "no, what you meant to say 'let me put _myself _on mute'," and I mean....cmon, he knew what I meant! The corrections are constant. Grammar, random obscure factoids that don't matter, or maybe I just misspoke but in a way that's easy to understand what I actually meant. I literally can't have a single conversation without being corrected a minimum of three times. The killer is, it's never anything important. If it mattered, I would understand and be thankful, but it's just stupid crap that will never, ever matter in real life. I'd think of some more but we'd be here all year.

When I call him out on it, he says he's just trying to be as accurate as possible and help people be the best that they can be, and teach them in order to stop the spread of misinformation, but I think that's bullsh**, especially since I don't really count "who vs whom" as serious as the spread of misinformation. I think he has some type of complex where he always has to be right. Because he can never just listen to what I have to say. He always has to find something wrong with it, without fail, every time. And I'm just sick and tired of it. He's so arrogant and condescending. It makes me feel small and stupid and...rage is kind of always building up inside of me when he does this. I actually just hung up on him because of it, I got so angry.

Has anyone else ever dealt with someone like this? And do you have any tips on how to cope?

I'm sick of this!! I don't have this problem with anyone else! Am I wrong in thinking he should just let some things go?


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

He sounds like a real pain in the arse. I would find that very annoying indeed.

I had a friend a bit like that ages ago - but I haven't agreed to speak to him for a long time. I'm concerned I'll want to strangle him again - I used to feel like that even when I just spoke to him on the phone.

My sister has an old friend that she threatened to cut off and never speak to again - basically what I did to my old best friend. She sort of came around a fair bit and stopped being so rude, but it still slips quite a lot. Personally I don't think I have the time or patience for people like that anymore, so I give them very few chances.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Assertiveness.

That means, basically "please don't do that, it makes me _feel_ x". Then *disengage and refuse to enter an argument*. Just let them react in the way they want to react (it might be to try to argue with you, or to minimise how you feel) but just say "well don't worry about it". The point is to state your feelings which should affect them in some way (perhaps small, perhaps not). You don't want to debate with them though, that won't work and will cause defensiveness.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Must be an ego thing. Maybe he feels some sort of superiority from asserting his knowledge over people in the hopes of impressing them or something.


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## dre3 (May 4, 2014)

BeardedMessiahBob said:


> Assertiveness.
> 
> That means, basically "please don't do that, it makes me _feel_ x". Then *disengage and refuse to enter an argument*. Just let them react in the way they want to react (it might be to try to argue with you, or to minimise how you feel) but just say "well don't worry about it". The point is to state your feelings which should affect them in some way (perhaps small, perhaps not). You don't want to debate with them though, that won't work and will cause defensiveness.


Yeah this ^^ is a good way to handle it. And if he doesn't listen to how you feel, you can always become silent, give him a stare, then calmly walk away without saying anything.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

dre3 said:


> Yeah this ^^ is a good way to handle it. And if he doesn't listen to how you feel, you can always become silent, give him a stare, then calmly walk away without saying anything.


It works because nobody can really dispute how you feel. They can dispute anything else you say, but "I fell feel ashamed" or whatever, is unarguable. And if you refuse to engage after this in any justification, you aren't attacking them, which means there is nothing to defend. Get into an argument and its all over.

I did this today on someone who cares a lot about me, also they are high agreeableness, and holy **** the response I got. Kept saying she was sorry and how well I was doing the rest of the day.

Not all responses will be like that, and its hard to do because you are exposing a vulnerability, but then that happens, the person realises what your boundaries are. It stings them to feel they have hurt someone and will modify their behaviour (even if in a small way). Most people don't want to cause people unhappiness.

My sample size is small, but it s 2/2 with spectacular results so far.

It's also one quick way to evaluate someone. If you are sincere in what you say, and they laugh it off, or argue, perhaps less time should be spent with them.


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## gisellemarx (Feb 1, 2010)

BeardedMessiahBob said:


> Assertiveness.
> 
> That means, basically "please don't do that, it makes me _feel_ x". Then *disengage and refuse to enter an argument*. Just let them react in the way they want to react (it might be to try to argue with you, or to minimise how you feel) but just say "well don't worry about it". The point is to state your feelings which should affect them in some way (perhaps small, perhaps not). You don't want to debate with them though, that won't work and will cause defensiveness.


This is really good advice, but unfortunately it does not work on my friend. He thinks if it makes me feel a certain way, that's my problem, not his. Being "correct" is more important to him.  Basically what I've been doing is calling him out on it every time he does it. I say, "hey look, your incessant _need _to be correct is back." I turn it around and make him see how ridiculous he looks. Honestly I think it's working. So I'm sure the above advice would work for anyone else, but my friend is...a little bit different with the way his arrogance & ego functions lol. We are making progress. I hope.

Although I have a family member I used this on and it worked, so thank you!!


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## Dragoon (Jul 29, 2015)

If he understands what you're saying, then there's really no need for him to correct you. If he was confused and trying to understand what you meant, then it would be okay for him to say, "Is this what you were trying to say?"

It sounds like he is the former of those two though. I think it would best to say something like, "You knew what I was trying to say, so why do you have to correct me? You don't always have to be right, especially when it seems like you're trying to make me feel stupid." Be assertive but not aggressive.

Idk, maybe there are better things to say. But I think it's important to get the point across about how it makes you _feel_ when he constantly corrects you.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

gisellemarx said:


> This is really good advice, but unfortunately it does not work on my friend. He thinks if it makes me feel a certain way, that's my problem, not his. Being "correct" is more important to him.  Basically what I've been doing is calling him out on it every time he does it. I say, "hey look, your incessant _need _to be correct is back." I turn it around and make him see how ridiculous he looks. Honestly I think it's working. So I'm sure the above advice would work for anyone else, but my friend is...a little bit different with the way his arrogance & ego functions lol. We are making progress. I hope.
> 
> Although I have a family member I used this on and it worked, so thank you!!


I think its different to call someone out on it though. There's two parts to it:

1. Please don't do that, you make me feel x
2. Then don't engage any more with them on the topic, _at all_. Whatever they say afterwards, just say "don't worry about it", and disengage and don't discuss. You don't want follow up arguments, the entire point is to state your feelings and then leave it at that.

Never call them out on it, or make it confrontational.

Even in the worst cases it should _nudge_ them in the right direction (over time), but indeed, some people are so far gone, and they are so used to the relationship, being able to walk all over you, they don't care about your boundaries. If that happens, and they refuse to respect your boundaries, even when you state that going over them actually makes you feel ****, its probably time to interact with them less.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

He sounds potentially autistic.

https://aspectsofaspergers.wordpress.com/tag/correcting/

http://theemergencesite.com/Autism-Spectrum/Autism_Spectrum-03_Aspergers_As_Fussy_Word_Disease.html

https://thesilentwaveblog.wordpress...gers-autistic-people-always-have-to-be-right/

I'm not diagnosed, but I have a bunch of traits and I don't have a great memory of this (even though it was late teens/early 20s - my memory is bad,) but I used to annoy people I knew one guy in particular (not intentionally,) by responding to things he said literally. And sometimes it's hard to stop doing stuff and can take a while to adjust behaviour if it's a habit.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

I was going to raise the possible autism too. ^
Being excessively pedantic is common in autism, and then the problems with empathy mean they don't really get, or care how they come across, or how much they're alienating people by constantly condescending and correcting them. Even if they actually know what you mean, they're so irritated by any inconsistency that they have to let you know. I've definitely met people online like this and with one it did not end well (though that's not the reason, this person was generally disrespectful and unreasonable and they have a diagnosis of autism though probably also some narcissism imo). The other one I talk to also does this but they have more empathy and aren't genuinely annoyed or arrogant. They're more good natured about it, so it's become more like a running joke.


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## gisellemarx (Feb 1, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> He sounds potentially autistic.
> 
> https://aspectsofaspergers.wordpress.com/tag/correcting/
> 
> ...


He may be autistic. I am also definitely autistic. It was actually my recent diagnosis (1.5 yrs ago) that made him consider the possibility. I actually didn't realize this might be an autistic thing though. Thank you for pointing that out - because I used to do the same exact thing he's doing, it's just that I realized much sooner and forced myself to stop doing it


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

gisellemarx said:


> He may be autistic. I am also definitely autistic. It was actually my recent diagnosis (1.5 yrs ago) that made him consider the possibility. I actually didn't realize this might be an autistic thing though. Thank you for pointing that out - because I used to do the same exact thing he's doing, it's just that I realized much sooner and forced myself to stop doing it


I think female autistic people are on average better at masking traits and behaviours and blending in so that could be why. That's also probably why you were diagnosed late (although I've come across extremely autistic people who claim not to have a diagnosis so sometimes schools/experts just suck in general.) This isn't always a good thing as you can see:



> They also discussed how the stresses of compensation might increase the risk for depression and anxiety. Livingston and Happé similarly suggest the demands of compensation might explain the high prevalence of mental health problems in compensating individuals, especially those diagnosed as adults.1 One study found 53% of people with ASD diagnosed in adulthood had previously sought mental health services earlier in life and had high anxiety and depression levels.3 Two thirds (66%) of a similar group in another study reported suicidal ideation, a much higher proportion than found among adults with ASD who were diagnosed in childhood or adolescence.4


Your friend might also be less empathatic, or less agreeable too I guess and maybe that's why he still does it.


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## armshere (Oct 15, 2018)

I wouldn't have patience.. I don't like feeling insecure of what I have to say or misunderstood especially with a friend. If I don't feel relaxed or comfortable with them then it would be challenging to want to talk to them over someone who I am relaxed/comfortable with.


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