# Overheard neighbor bad mouthing me



## livingdead29

Hey folks,

Now let me just say normally I am a sticks and stones kind of person,
but lately resiliency hasn't been my foremost quality. I live in an apartment and last night heard some rather loud banging for an hour so. I walked downstairs and the lady below me was hanging some pictures. No biggie. Case closed. I heard her then speak to another woman about wrapping it up because she didn't want to annoy the people above her(us) the other woman then said something like,..."oh that kid who lives with his mom, oh I can't stand him, I CANT STAND HIM, he doesn't work.He was talking to".. (what turned out to be her granddaughter in the lobby last week)and said I was weird and strange anmong other things. There was indeed an attractive young woman who I talked to for 5 minutes. I merely mentioned how I wish the couch was there (instead of two chairs) and if she was so and so's g'daughter. She said yes and buried her head in her phone as most sheep do these days. I took the clue and walked away.

Fast forward now and this occurs. I think I know who the woman is, and never thought any ill will toward her. She seemed kinda airhead-ish but was friendly enough and thought she looks good for her age. I mean...WTF? I have never heard any one in my life talk this bad about me. I find it disappointing and hurtful. I have always tried to treat people with friendliness and respect. I guess she was in someway upset I talked to her gdaughter or something(who obviously told her)I am truly baffled as to what I did to deserve this kind of ire. I am getting more and more upset with humanity as a whole. Im ready to leave this piece of [email protected]^% of a society we live once and for all. I really cannot understand any rational justification for this behavior.


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## rj2060

I'm sorry that you had to hear someone talk about you in that manner, livingdead29. I've come to realize that it's not about what other people say or do; it's about trying to unconditionally think about other people how we would like them to think about us. We can't change other people, but we have a chance to change ourselves. I believe it is our own respect and kindness that we need to be able to feel whole; not someone else's. Other people have their own problems. When they are not being kind, they are mirroring outward their own inner fears; what ever those fears might be. That doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but if we want to feel free, we must try to feel a friendliness, a connection to other people and ourselves. That can't be achieved with thoughts that create feelings of separation.


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## WillYouStopDave

I wouldn't worry about it. People gossip. It's normal. It's not flattering but oh well.


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## DarrellLicht

livingdead29 said:


> WTF? I have never heard any one in my life talk this bad about me. I find it disappointing and hurtful. I have always tried to treat people with friendliness and respect.


 You really went through 31 years on this planet, and this is the WORST thing a person said to you? :blank

I think you should continue treating people with friendliness and respect. If that is your true disposition. It says more about the people who judge you to your face despite your efforts at being interpersonal.


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## livingdead29

*[]You really went through 31 years on this planet, and this is the WORST thing a person said to you?] :blank
*
She didn't say it to me, it was behind my back to the lady beneath us.

Honestly, to the best of my knowledge, yes. I've overheard family members talk about me because I don't have motivation for a 'career' or whatever, but they often said I was smart and handsome in the same breath. I was somewhat popular in my middle/high school years, and was well liked. Again, if you're cool to others, why would they hate on you?

It's been several days and I'm still bugged by it. I'm not losing sleep over it, but I have a lot of challenges at the moment and self esteem and resiliency aren't very high.

Kinda more pissed at the g'daughter for ratting me out. WTF is her problem? THese kids are so f'd up with social media, cell phones, etc that anyone who talks to them face to face they can't handle it?

Haras from Assasins Creed got it right, "Humans are weak, base and petty". Truer words were ne'er spoken.


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## atokasmith

People assume a lot about others. I've been very guilty of it myself, but have started making a little progress because of a few times when I realized my assumptions were wrong. When I was in college, a professor told our class that when we assume, we make an '***' of 'u' and 'me'. (***-u-me) It's so very true, and I think we as socially anxious people are some of the most guilty of it. I know that I often think I know what other people think of me, but, it is probably just my own fears and insecurities. Negative self talk is our worst enemy.

I know it's hard, but try not to feel too hurt at those gossiping people. People who don't have social anxiety don't understand why we are the way we are, so they find us odd or strange. If we had an obvious disability that they could see, they wouldn't be so hard on us, but they can't see our minds and hearts.

People make quick judgements about many things that they don't understand. A woman at church last night hit my arm with her bulletin and told me my son is shy because I home school him. I told her that I have five children and my three oldest weren't shy at all. I wasn't home schooled myself, but look at me on this social anxiety forum.

I think a lot of us are probably underachievers, because of our insecurities. I often feel I've lived my whole life on the threshold of something that I can never quite attain. It's a very frustrating feeling; to have intelligence, but goals stay just out of reach.


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## livingdead29

atokasmith said:


> I think a lot of us are probably underachievers, because of our insecurities. I often feel I've lived my whole life on the threshold of something that I can never quite attain. It's a very frustrating feeling; to have intelligence, but goals stay just out of reach.


Wise words here. Im very intelligent in many ways, but I never fit into the traditional college, career BS. Im more of an autodidact. IQ was measured at 132 years ago. Doesn't mean much though. Our fear of the unknown and other things really holds us back. I enjoy reading/learning about things, but when I'm tested on things, I hate it. I dunno, I've always had this disdain for society as whole it seems, but it ain't changing anytime soon.


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## IcedOver

Sorry that this occurred. I've had the same thing, where I've overheard neighbors talking badly about me up at the front door, when they don't even know me. It's only older people who do this. I assume the woman you're talking about is elderly, right? I think it's just a function of getting old, unfortunately. People can get very catty, shrewish, spiteful and hateful, especially older women. I'd say it happens more with people who live alone in apartments. It's also a mistrust of younger generations. A neighbor who has since passed was talking to me once about another neighbor who was accusing me of pounding music late at night (when no one was playing music; it may have been a hallucination, but she called the cops still). She called it a "change of personality" that happens in the elderly. Hope you feel better.


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## Sacrieur

If they don't say it to your face, then they're cowards and it doesn't mean anything.


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## livingdead29

IcedOver said:


> . I assume the woman you're talking about is elderly, right? .


She is indeed in her 70's. Everytime I use the community room the old ladies stop talking and look at me. Whatever, most of them are very nice, at least to my face. F it, let them hate me. Let them hate my f'n guts, let them HATE me with all their might. What's a little more hate in a hate filled world. As I said earlier, it was the g'daughter in her early 20's who told her. She's just as weird.


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## BJam

I can relate to the situation. I've often had people badmouth me, usually for being quiet, unsocialable, awkward, etc. The only real way to deal with it is, as you say: being a sticks and stones sort of person. In my youth I was a fairly sensitive individual and took others opinions to heart; I've become better at brushing things over time. 

The fact of the matter is that people love to gossip. And they love to gossip about differences and weirdness in everyone. It isn't unique to the socially anxious. Part of the root of our problem is that we take it as rejection, instead of brushing it off as others often do. One thing that a lot of us on here have in common is that people gossip about us for the same perceived differences/weirdness, and as long as we exhibit those behaviors, they always will. In my opinion, coping mechanisms are as much at fault as social anxiety/awkwardness are.

I do sometimes run into rough patches where I take something personally; be it a perceived slight, or even blatant badmouthing. In the past I would bury my head in the sand, and mope around for days, becoming increasingly withdrawn, and unable to think about anything else; it would seriously affect my self-worth. More recently, I've found it better to take an evening, or even a day if necessary and address it directly, find a way to vent, even if it's just on here and come to grips with it, but not to spend more time than that, or let it become part of me.


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## bottleofblues

Judgemental *****, just snob her next time she tries to say hi to you in the stairway.


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## Brisby

Well, I would be pissed off too if I heard something like that from a neighbor but would also find it amusing. I would end up saying something later on. I would make it a point next time I saw her to be all cheery and say hello and ask her how her day was and just keep talking to annoy her. If she said hello to me in passing I would turn and be like, "Wow, you're awfully friendly today considering you're going around telling everyone how much you can't stand me."  I know it sounds immature but sometimes when you call people like that out on their bullsh!t they back off pretty fast and keep their mouths shut.


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## eveningbat

I think I have heard my neighbors from the 5th floor making love early in the morning. But I am not sure. I heard some thuds going from the ceiling.


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## zork2001

People talk **** about other people they have no interpersonal relationship with all the time. Especially when that said person they are aware of is in there way or preventing them from doing something; in this case hanging pictures.


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## livingdead29

Meh, I've pretty much forgotten about it. To hell with her and her weirdo g daughter. They're nobodies. This kind of place is pretty much gossip heaven. I walk into the CR to get some coffee and the old ladies stop talking and look at me. I also walk around the building a lot.


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## Lluvia

Sacrieur said:


> If they don't say it to your face, then they're cowards and it doesn't mean anything.


^^Love This^^ =)


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## AngelClare

rj2060 said:


> I'm sorry that you had to hear someone talk about you in that manner, livingdead29. I've come to realize that it's not about what other people say or do; it's about trying to unconditionally think about other people how we would like them to think about us. We can't change other people, but we have a chance to change ourselves. I believe it is our own respect and kindness that we need to be able to feel whole; not someone else's. Other people have their own problems. When they are not being kind, they are mirroring outward their own inner fears; what ever those fears might be. That doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but if we want to feel free, we must try to feel a friendliness, a connection to other people and ourselves. That can't be achieved with thoughts that create feelings of separation.


+1

Well said.

You have to accept that humanity is broken and flawed yet love them anyway. It's hard. I try not to hate my boss but it's really difficult.

In other words, you just have to accept the world and people as they are or you'll never have peace.

Ask yourself, "What would happen if I just accepted the fact that she dislikes me?"


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## isurfallday

wow man, I understand


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## livingdead29

I've pretty much moved on with life. Just wanted to say thanks to all the folks' support. Life is too short to worry about what every Tom, Dick and Harry think of you.


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## ilsr

It doesn't matter. I'ts what they really think of SA losers who can't find a job or have a hard time keeping one. My own brother thinks of me this way. He's talked about it to his friends. And there's an entire culture who judges SA unemployed people harsher, ironically even worse than poor people who use the government subsidies to survive.

Some don't believe in SA. They just say SA people make up their sickness so they don't have to work as hard etc. Or act like weaklings who deserve to be shot or get their neck snapped. 

You try to be nice all you want. But in the end, "not doing anything" to "help the community or the economy" i.e. not being a slage wave and endure "what everyone else has to" can easily be spotlighted as neighborhood bum #1. not much better than a known reported sex offender.


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## tooljunkie

Next time you see the elderly lady just jump right out in front of her and say; I LOVE YOU! And then start dancing like this. :evil


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## tooljunkie

Sorry. Couldn't resist. We just need a little humor in here sometime.


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## overthelake

I have this happen a lot with me. I'm 36, coming on 37 now, and I've been out of work for a long time. I did go to school and work when I was younger and showed some promise, but I dropped the ball, dropped my eyes, turned inward and slammed shut the door. I'd hear people talking outside, saying bad things, and making strange faces at me when I was outside doing errands. It comes ot a point where I don't want to be seen by anyone who recognize me because I'm afraid of insiring those very same hateful and disgusted stares as well as hte ugly feelings inside.

All I gotta say to the OP is .... the very best years of my life were when I was working. When I quit and bowed out in the most dishonorable and adolescent way I did then I essentially invited into my life all the worst doubts and fears and penalties of a life imprisoned and hidden away.


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## overthelake

If you want support or just chat in general, you can pm me. My interests are broad. I grew up on computers. I almost hate to tell you I studied programming in school because half of me blames the computer for being like an endless beer dispenser for the alcoholic except it's an endless dispenser of numbers and fantasy for the deranged and physically substandard individuals such as msyelf.


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## Robot the Human

I'm glad you can let things go, but I'm not the type of person who can simply do that. I certainly don't want to fight with someone, but I want to resolve the issue so it doesn't happen again.

I don't see anything wrong with approaching someone and asking them to kindly not talk about you, behind your back. It might put them in their place, and make them feel terrible, in which they should. I've stood up to people before and become friends with them, because of it. It shows strength, as long as you can keep your cool and be polite.


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## jls410

overthelake said:


> I have this happen a lot with me. I'm 36, coming on 37 now, and I've been out of work for a long time. I did go to school and work when I was younger and showed some promise, but I dropped the ball, dropped my eyes, turned inward and slammed shut the door. I'd hear people talking outside, saying bad things, and making strange faces at me when I was outside doing errands. It comes ot a point where I don't want to be seen by anyone who recognize me because I'm afraid of insiring those very same hateful and disgusted stares as well as hte ugly feelings inside.
> 
> All I gotta say to the OP is .... the very best years of my life were when I was working. When I quit and bowed out in the most dishonorable and adolescent way I did then I essentially invited into my life all the worst doubts and fears and penalties of a life imprisoned and hidden away.


What's OP?


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## TheVoid

bottleofblues said:


> Judgemental *****, just snob her next time she tries to say hi to you in the stairway.


Yea.

There's this woman in my neighborhood who told bad stuff about me behind my back although I have been nothing but nice to her. She once met me on the road and smiled. I would usually smile but this time I gave her the creepiest, coldest stare possible. I could literally see her melting.

If they're gonna hate you for no reason, you might as well give them a reason.


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## Folded Edge

jls410 said:


> What's OP?


In this context (I think at least) it means 'Original Poster'.

It can also be used to refer to the 'Original Post' in the thread.


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## the collector

I usually.....DGAF. Think...why would HER opinion mean anything to you? If she means little to you than her opinion of you is meaningless as well. I try not to care about the opinions of people who mean nothing to me.


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## kndrstn

I happened to have this neighbor for about six years who made my life hell. He hated me and made every attempt to express it. Supposedly just because he said hi one day and believes I didn't reply. I am very soft-spoken and this guy harrassed me endlessly because of it. It turns out that many people around my park have similar feelings. It makes me so mad because none of these people know me at all. I keep to myself and try to respect others. and they call and make complaints over petty things. I think just to get the point across that I don't belong in "their" world. It is unfortunate that people are so quick to judge and have to be aggressive. I try and tell myself that maybe they cant help it anymore than I can help being shy. It sure is tough when there's problems among neighbors. I have found it helpful to get out for awhile, aaway from the situation, take a walk and find some distraction from those thoughts.


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## SpiderInTheCorner

this is typical at workplaces. people will say anything about others to make them look better in the eyes of the other person. it is nothing to be stressed about really as they dont really mean it


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## KimThanh

It's not about you, your work situation, your lifestyle, or the fact that you spoke to someone... It's because you aren't _them_. People will make up stories and lie and treat others poorly so that maybe, if you overheard her, it would make you feel miserable. They want to belittle you during a semi-confrontational exchange if you decide to ask for some explanations. Those people are so LONELY.

Don't take the bait, understand that these gossipers have nothing going on for them, except bitterness and fear. If I had to take into account all the rumors my coworkers spread about me I wouldn't be here today. They're the ones who should feel terrible every night when they go to sleep.


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## Charmander

Sorry to read this, it honestly sucks when you discover someone's been badmouthing you behind your back, but again it's a complete form of cowardice that they wouldn't say it to your face. To say that you "can't stand someone" who's probably barely talked to you is just downright ridiculous. I'd have been very tempted to walk right into their conversation if they'd done that for me and seen the look on their faces, lol. At the same time, when people gossip I don't think they honestly care so much about you being "weird", they just like to get a reaction from their friends, like playground bullies.


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## cryptoboy

Unfortunately or Fortunately, people are different. 

Apparently this woman is a bad person because she does not know to apply this to you. 

Ignore her and continued contact with her ​​daughter if you want. 

You're not weird, but just affected by her bad behavior towards you.

Sorry for my bad english friend...


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