# The L Word



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Meh. No wonder love is a four letter word.

So my gf and I were at different locations at work today. We talked and texted throughout the day, as usual. While we were wrapping up our conversation at lunch, she says "OK, bye, I love you". Then she says "Oh! I mean, bye". We've never said the "L" word before, neither of us, and tbh, when we started this relationship she made it *very *clear that this was to be no-strings-attached. There was to be no kissing on the lips, or holding hands in public, and definitely no "I love you's". Apparently that's all gone by the wayside.

I know it was a mistake, and that she didn't mean to say it.

But she said it.

And like a complete idiot, I laughed, and said bye, and hung up. God I'm such an idiot. Maybe. Idk. Should I have just said "I love you" back? I mean, it's not that hard, it's just three little words. And tbh, yeah, I really do love this girl. I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but at some point I started falling for her, really hard.

This is not easy for me. I mean, I want more than a ONS with her, for sure. And we have that. She calls me her bf. The other day she said she had something she wanted to talk about after work, and I freaked out, like "Oh God, I can't wait for this". And she was like, did you think I was gonna break up with you or something lol? We both know where we are at this point, we want a commitment, with each other.

The last time I said "I love you" to a girl, a year later she committed suicide. Right in front of me. So this is not easy for me. I'm freaking out a bit. I want a commitment, and we have that, but at the same time I'm scared to *death.* I'm afraid that I'm somehow going to hurt her. Or (and I know how irrational this sounds), but what if I drive her to suicide, like I did my ex-gf? I have a lot, a whole, whole lot of guilt weighing me down from that. Sometimes I feel like I should have "Women steer clear of me, I'm bad news" tattooed on my forehead. I don't want to hurt her, but look at the last relationship I was in, look how that ended. I'm afraid I'm somehow going to hurt her, or drag her down to my level, and ffs, no one, no one deserves that. I'm really freaked out, especially since she said the "I love you" today.

Three little words. Why are they so hard for me to say? Why can't I move on? (I'm never going to be able to move on from her, I know that for a fact). Why can't I just take this leap, and be happy for what it is? Any guy would be so lucky, so blessed to have her in their life like this. Why do I have so many fears, so many reservations, why am I second-guessing myself about this, why am I so scared when the likelihood of the same thing happening again is probably a billion to one.

Idk. Why. She. Had. To. Say. Those. Three. Little. F-ing. Words.

Did I mess up by not saying it back? Idk. I think so. I'm wondering if it's gonna be awkward now or something, or if she's hurt, or mad at me. She hasn't answered my last three texts. Fml. Somebody just shoot me, please.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Why did you start out being no strings attached? Any particular reason? 

And that's crazy how your ex took her life right in front of you...I'm sorry man...so traumatizing.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> Why did you start out being no strings attached? Any particular reason?
> 
> And that's crazy how your ex took her life right in front of you...I'm sorry man...so traumatizing.


It started out as NSA because we both wanted it that way, in the very beginning. I didn't think I was ready for a relationship. And maybe I'm not. Idk. But I fell for her before she fell for me. So there was a few weeks there where she kept her distance from me, but then she slowly started doing the things she said she would never do. Kissing on the lips, holding hands, that kind of stuff. Now we're like an old married couple almost lol.

I feel like the luckiest guy in the world when I'm with her. She's so beautiful, inside and out. And I'm so afraid I'm gonna **** this up, I'm gonna ruin it, she will never speak to me again. A lot of it stems from the last relationship, and the suicide. I don't want to get hurt like that, ever, ever again, I don't think I could survive it again tbh, and I don't want to hurt her, either.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

it's natural that this catches you off guard. She may have done it intentionally, to see how you'd react or if you're ready, or accidentally.

If you feel like it, you could ask her if she ment it. Face to face. Next time you meet.

And I still think you should tell her what happened and explain why you're afraid of loving. It wasn't your fault, and it's also natural that you would feel it that way.
I think you should take a chance. _You do deserve it_, and realistically, the odds of that happening again are (even if it was your fault), as you yourself have noticed, rather slim.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Don't say anything you don't feel in your heart and your bones. If you really have strong feelings such that her absence of your life would leave a gaping hole in your soul, then you may love her.

I wouldn't say it casually, though.

You may need to sit her down (in person, not on the phone) and say..."Look, I know you said you loved me and retracted it as a reflex. But, I'm glad that it happened since it's how I really feel about you and I'd like us both to feel comfortable sharing that sentiment."

Or something along those lines.

Congratulations, dude...you've given some middle aged guys hope. Not me, mind you...as I feel I'm completely crushed and hopeless...but some guys, anyway.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Yeah, I can't figure out if she did it intentionally, or not. She's being really cold and distant now. So....it looks like, whether it came out by accident, or not...she's really not happy with me and my reaction to it.

She's playing games. She wants me to know that she's pissed off, but she won't go into why. I'm not into head games and drama. I'm not doing this ****. I'm too old. And I've wasted so much time on head games and drama with exes already, I'm not doing it anymore. So, whatever.

Maybe things will go better the next time we see each other. They just changed her schedule at work and it looks like we won't be seeing each other at all. I suggested that I could come up to her location, or drive up to the lake where she'll be, and she was like "whatever". So, yeah, now I'm like....whatever.

**** this!!! Why did I ever even think I could do a relationship? Why? How am I ever gonna have another healthy relationship with a woman after what happened with my last gf? I'm dreaming. I want it, but it's just never gonna happen. Whatever I did or said just drove her away. Big time.

I'd like to at some point tell her what happened, but I still have too many little voices in my head saying "No, no, no, no, no....do NOT do that, she will not understand, you will drive her away even further than you already have, she will freak out...."

Losing her would leave a huge whole in my heart, in my world. I talk about her all the time. Even to my kids last weekend, we were talking about something, and I was like, "Yeah, K does that, too" and I keep slipping her into conversation, sometimes without even realizing it. I think about her all the time. I really have strong feelings for her. I love her, like you'd love a best friend, but also more, like you'd love a girl that you never, ever, ever want to let go.

But now she's f-ing playing games, and I don't do games. I offered to drive two hours each way, take her out to dinner, go to the lake, and she just brushed me off. Fine. Whatever. Wtf-ever.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

You're just to lovable TenYears. You talk about this woman a lot. Good on you for finding her.

Edit: didn't read your last post there. IMO, women have this weird moods. Best to just go with then until things go back to normal again.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

How long has it been since the ex who passed away?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> How long has it been since the ex who passed away?


Three years, two weeks and five days. And about four hours.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> Three years, two weeks and five days. And about four hours.


Wow....talk about sticking with you. Don't worry, I remember everything about the day my ex and I broke up, too.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Tell her!

She may be acting cold out of fear that she did something really stupid.
I've gotten scared too once I felt I got a bit too close to a guy, when I had mixed feelings about him. I reacted by distancing myself as much as I could. He wasn't right for me, but in retrospect I could have been smoother about it.
She might feel like you don't love her back.
It may be just a misunderstanding.

Please talk to her at least about this.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

I agree with Skeletra, it needs to be talked about sooner than later.


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## Smallfry (Oct 11, 2004)

If she wants some space then its understandable just give her a few days to miss you again Seriously though if you need more time then just be honest and tell her you need time to get used to being in a relationship again and hopefully she will understand. You may not want to share your past but just don't give up on a good thing.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> Wow....talk about sticking with you. Don't worry, I remember everything about the day my ex and I broke up, too.


She didn't just break up with me, man. She broke up with me in the most horrific, most selfish, most hurtful way humanly possible. She killed herself. Right in front of me. She, I guess, wanted me to see her die.

It's always, always, always going to "stick with me".

I still have nightmares. I can't sleep with the lights off. I have PTSD, I have flashbacks that scare the hell out of me. I had trouble trusting people and getting close to people before this happened. Now it's just about damn near impossible.

I'm never going to get over what I saw that morning, and I'm never going to get over her.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> Tell her!
> 
> She may be acting cold out of fear that she did something really stupid.
> I've gotten scared too once I felt I got a bit too close to a guy, when I had mixed feelings about him. I reacted by distancing myself as much as I could. He wasn't right for me, but in retrospect I could have been smoother about it.
> ...


I'm going to talk to her. I'm trying to decide whether I should text or call (probly should call). And what exactly I should say. I need to chose my words carefully, I don't want there to be any misunderstanding, and I don't want her to take anything I say the wrong way.

She's not real good with emotional, heavy conversations. She doesn't like sappy, emotional stuff, I don't know how else to describe it. So I don't want to make it a big f-ing deal, a big heavy conversation. But well, in a way, it kind of has to be. We have stuff we need to talk about, for sure.

Not sure if you mean tell her about the suicide, or tell her I love her, lmao.

If you mean talk to her about the suicide, then....Skeletra, if your bf told you that he had an ex that he neglected emotionally, how would it make you feel? Be honest. What if he said he neglected her to the point that she left him? What if he said he neglected her to the point that she killed herself, right in front of him? What would you think of him? Wouldn't you worry about whether or not this man could take care of you, and be what you need, and be there for you? Seriously, wouldn't you, even if you didn't admit it to him, wouldn't you in the back of your mind be wondering "Oh my God, what did he do or not do, how in the hell could something like that happen, with you right there, what kind of guy has a gf that kills herself, while they're still together"?

Those words are really, really hard for me to type. But they're valid questions. If I was the kind of man that she needed and was supposed to be then she would still be alive right now. But maybe the bigger question for right now is how would it make my gf feel if she knew the truth. How would it change her perception of me, how would it change our relationship, and what are pros and cons. What are the bad things that could happen with telling her, and what are the good. (I made a list of pros and cons, and the latter is a lot longer than the former).

I *want *to tell her, really. I don't want any secrets between us. I've just gotten some advice on here and other places and from family that says I just need to leave it behind me, and live as though it never happened.

If I tell her about this that's it (obviously), I can't take the words back, and what's done is done.

If you're talking about telling her I love her, I can do that, I know I can. Because it's the truth. I just keep stalling because I'm trying to find the right time now. I mean, I don't want it to come out awkward, or when she's not ready to hear it. She may have just said the whole "I love you" thing by mistake. Idk.

Goddammit why can't this just be even just a little less complicated. Ffs. I wish something could be...easy....for once. It's easy loving her, and wanting her around, for sure, but everything else is complicating the **** out of my life lol.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Smallfry said:


> If she wants some space then its understandable just give her a few days to miss you again Seriously though if you need more time then just be honest and tell her you need time to get used to being in a relationship again and hopefully she will understand. You may not want to share your past but just don't give up on a good thing.


Thx. Yeah, I do not want to screw this up (I mean, any more than I already have). I don't feel like I need more time, only because I don't think my anxiety about things is going to get much better, if at all, with time. So, yeah, now my fear of screwing things up is....well, screwing things up.

I'm just a lost cause, I really am. If she really does love me, then I most definitely do not deserve it. I'm such a wreck. I'm such a trainwreck. I'm so complicated. I have so, so, so many issues. And I mean, nobody wants that in their life, ya know?


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> I'm going to talk to her. I'm trying to decide whether I should text or call (probly should call). And what exactly I should say. I need to chose my words carefully, I don't want there to be any misunderstanding, and I don't want her to take anything I say the wrong way.
> 
> She's not real good with emotional, heavy conversations. She doesn't like sappy, emotional stuff, I don't know how else to describe it. So I don't want to make it a big f-ing deal, a big heavy conversation. But well, in a way, it kind of has to be. We have stuff we need to talk about, for sure.
> 
> ...


I was talking about the loving her here, but I do think you should talk about the suicide when the time is right. You should not have to carry that around. At least not alone.

You say she's not the type to talk about heavy stuff, so I think you should wait until she asks. And maybe let her know it's hard for you.

Having overheard some suicide counceling, and nearly lost my best friend to it a few times, I'm personally pretty open on the topic. I still don't believe you had any fault in it. I know it's hard. But you need to work trough it. I blamed myself the time I thought I lost my friend (she called me before an attempt, I missed the call, and called her back later.. during her attempt. She ended the phone call mid sentence. I'll never forget how she sounded. The emptiness in her voice..:no) You were there, in the same room, so my experience is no where near comparable I know. But. I refuse to believe that it was your fault. I find it hard to believe that anyone is at fault for anyone else's actions, unless they were actively bullying or molesting them. That's me though.
Your girlfriend might be different, specially if she's a little on the insensitive side, or someone who might not understand much about depression or suicide... But still, do talk about your feelings towards her.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> I was talking about the loving her here, but I do think you should talk about the suicide when the time is right. You should not have to carry that around. At least not alone.
> 
> You say she's not the type to talk about heavy stuff, so I think you should wait until she asks. And maybe let her know it's hard for you.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry about what you went through with your friend. That must have been really hard. I hope she's OK now. I mean, I hope she got help, and moved on with her life, and is living a healthy, "normal", happy life somewhere, seriously. It's really awesome that you were there for her. You were a friend to her when she needed it most.

I don't think she's ever going to bring it up my ex-gf again. She played "20 questions" for a while, and then sort of gave up. I may bring it up at some point. Though I'll probably try not to. Honestly I'm still wondering if it's best to bring it up or just bury it. It bothers me that it might affect my relationship with her, but I'm not sure that bringing it up to her is the answer for that. At one point she even said "I'm not your therapist".

Anyways, I talked to her today a couple times. It feels like she's changed, or something is different. Idk. Maybe it's just because we haven't seen each other in a while. I can't figure out what it is that's different, but something is. Here's part of our conversation, if you're really, really bored:

Me: (interrupting 20 minute conversation about work) Hey, ya know, I really, really miss you. It's been a long time. I can't wait to see you again.

Her: Ohhh...you'll be OK. You'll be alright.

(Long, pregnant pause)

Her: Uhm...what else am I supposed to say?

Me: OK. Uhm, Idk, I just want to see you.

Her: Well, we'll probably be at the same location next week.

Me: Ohhhkay.

Her: What? What does that mean?

Me: Nothin. I've got another call coming in, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

She can't even say "I miss you too".

We are not on the same page. We are, like, light years away from each other at this point. So, no, I've decided bringing up the whole "I love you" slip she had the other day is a bad idea.

And I don't even know what she wants at this point. Sometimes I think we're making progress, and then, boom, I talk to her and it's like I don't even know who she is. She is by far, and without a f-ing doubt, the most confusing female I've ever been with, ever.

I don't know if she just wants to **** me, or if she wants more, and we've been doing this for a few months now. I have no idea. I'm totally clueless.


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

Maybe she's just pulling back a little because of the accidental L word incident. Plus if she's been ****ed over a lot in her past, she's probably scared of getting too close to someone and getting hurt again.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> I'm sorry about what you went through with your friend. That must have been really hard. I hope she's OK now. I mean, I hope she got help, and moved on with her life, and is living a healthy, "normal", happy life somewhere, seriously. It's really awesome that you were there for her. You were a friend to her when she needed it most.
> 
> I don't think she's ever going to bring it up my ex-gf again. She played "20 questions" for a while, and then sort of gave up. I may bring it up at some point. Though I'll probably try not to. Honestly I'm still wondering if it's best to bring it up or just bury it. It bothers me that it might affect my relationship with her, but I'm not sure that bringing it up to her is the answer for that. At one point she even said "I'm not your therapist".
> 
> ...


My friend still has her ups and downs, but she is mostly fine now.

It seems to me like she's either angry at you for your reaction (where she doesn't know how you feel) or herself (for slipping the l word) (or a mixed jumble of both). She says that you'll be ok, which makes it seem like she's getting ready to move on.

Also the "I'm not your therapist" line tells me that you should wait talking about your ex until she asks.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Wow, this woman sounds like a piece of work. Guard your heart, my friend.


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## Snugglie (Aug 13, 2012)

I think you should bring up the L-word with her next time you meet. It certainly sounds like everything that has happened was due to her mentioning it and your reaction (or lack of reaction) to it.

And if you do love her then I think you should let her know.

Perhaps a point in the future she might want to know about your ex again and maybe you'll be ready to tell her, but until then I expect she already knows that you have a hard time saying the L word, why else would you have entered a relationship with no strings attached after all?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> It seems to me like she's either angry at you for your reaction (where she doesn't know how you feel) or herself (for slipping the l word) (or a mixed jumble of both). She says that you'll be ok, which makes it seem like she's getting ready to move on.
> 
> Also the "I'm not your therapist" line tells me that you should wait talking about your ex until she asks.


Yeah. We didn't talk at all yesterday. That's the first day we've gone without talking at all since we met.

I just texted her, told her I miss her and I just want her to know I'm thinking about her. She texted back, "what location are we at next week"? Otherwise she's giving me one word, one syllable answers.

She's being cold. Just. Ice. Cold.



srschirm said:


> Wow, this woman sounds like a piece of work. Guard your heart, my friend.


Yeah, maybe I should. I'm putting everything out there, making myself vulnerable, and I'm not getting much back. Can only do that for so long. I mean, don't get me wrong, I lover her. I really do. If she were to leave me, there would be a hole in my life, I would really and truly miss her. But I can only bang my head against a brick wall for so long. If she doesn't want me in her life, and she won't give me a chance, there's not much I can do.



Snugglie said:


> I think you should bring up the L-word with her next time you meet. It certainly sounds like everything that has happened was due to her mentioning it and your reaction (or lack of reaction) to it.
> 
> And if you do love her then I think you should let her know.
> 
> Perhaps a point in the future she might want to know about your ex again and maybe you'll be ready to tell her, but until then I expect she already knows that you have a hard time saying the L word, why else would you have entered a relationship with no strings attached after all?


I probably should let her know, but, ya know, she's not even giving me an opportunity now to say what I have to say.

She talks when she's uncomfortable. She talks to cover the awkward silences, and to interrupt when something gets brought up that she doesn't want to talk about. That's what she does.

So maybe I need to sit her down tomorrow, tell her to shut up, that I have something to say, and to please listen for one goddamn minute. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But...oh....could that ever backfire. That could also be a big mistake. Because she's been pushing me away.

So I don't know. Not sure what I'm gonna do.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> But...oh....could that ever backfire. That could also be a big mistake.* Because she's been pushing me away.*
> 
> So I don't know. Not sure what I'm gonna do.


has she been pushing you away since she said the l-word or before as well?

If it's just after (or you're not sure if she started before) then she is most likely angry at you or herself.
I think you shoul sit her down and shut her up. And then tell her how you feel!


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> has she been pushing you away since she said the l-word or before as well?


No only since the l-word. There's been a huge change.

I don't know how to fix this. Because I've been telling her that I miss her, that I can't wait to see her again, over and over, and she's been ignoring me. How do you think it's gonna go if I tell her I love her?

I'm afraid to even open up to her now. She's being cooooold.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> No only since the l-word. There's been a huge change.
> 
> I don't know how to fix this. Because I've been telling her that I miss her, that I can't wait to see her again, over and over, and she's been ignoring me. How do you think it's gonna go if I tell her I love her?
> 
> I'm afraid to even open up to her now. She's being cooooold.


I didn't think you were online so I edited the post.
You should tell her it bothers you.
She might be there wondering if you miss her just for the sex or if you miss her.
Missing someone and loving someone isn't the same.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> I didn't think you were online so I edited the post.
> You should tell her it bothers you.
> She might be there wondering if you miss her just for the sex or if you miss her.
> Missing someone and loving someone isn't the same.


K. I know that.

I love her.

I told her some time ago, that I'm a happier person when she's around. She lights up my whole world. She really does. There have been times (believe it or not) when I had the opportunity to "hook up" with her, and it just didn't pan out, and I swear to God, I was just happy to see her, to be with her.

We've had a whole lot of dates, where we didn't have sex. It's not about sex.

I've told her many times that I just want to wrap my arms around her in my bed, at bedtime, and sleep, with her wrapped up in my arms. In fact, it's kind of a running joke with us, I can't sleep unless she's at my apartment. And, of course, when she's at my apartment, we don't sleep.

She's my best friend. I genuinely care about her. I want to help her. I want to be with her. I want her to be successful. I want her to be happy. And I want her to be all these things with me.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

TenYears said:


> K. I know that.
> 
> I love her.
> 
> ...


And I keep trying to tell her this, by saying "I miss u, I want to see u".

I don't text her and say "Cum over to my place baby" or any stupid **** like that, I've never done that, I'd just be happy to hang out with her.

And I get nothing, nothing back.

Sooooo.....

Maybe I should just give up?? I mean, wtf?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Ya know, I think I'm over-thinking this.

If you have to think this hard, if it's this "forced", then it's just not right.

It really shouldn't be this hard.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

She's the one who told you right from the beginning that she didn't want a serious relationship, right? I remember you making a thread about that.

edit: whoops! It said so in the OP, too. Sorry. Nvm.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

probably offline said:


> She's the one who told you right from the beginning that she didn't want a serious relationship, right? I remember you making a thread about that.


Yes. There were a few curveballs thrown in, though.

But, yeah. You're right ProbablyOffline.

You're right.

I don't want to let this go because she's shown some very, very clear signs that she's attached. If you read my previous posts, she's done lots of things that she said were off-limits when we first got together, because they were signs of having an intimate relationship.

And I've become really close to her. I don't just like her. I love her. I feel like I'm not "whole" when she's not around.

So yeah my heart is breaking, and if you want to capitalize on that on a mental health forum, to make yourself feel better, then take your best shot. I'm not perfect. I have faults. I have weaknesses.

So, yeah, there are a million reasons why I shouldn't have her, I guess.

So, go ahead, start...


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> And I keep trying to tell her this, by saying "I miss u, I want to see u".
> 
> I don't text her and say "Cum over to my place baby" or any stupid **** like that, I've never done that, I'd just be happy to hang out with her.
> 
> ...


It doesn't have to be like that.
When I'm depressed, or when my mind starts to ramble stupid **** uncontrollably, I often feel like my boyfriend is only with me for sex. Now that I'm fine, I know this isn't true. Not at all. But that other version of me (just as a way of saying) does not see the obvious side of why it's not. When I'm like that, I don't understand that anyone would want me for anything else.
Now I carry a flash card to counter it.

I personally think most women feel like that every now and then. Don't quote me on it though. I know I'm not her and that I can't talk for her, but are you absolutely sure she isn't going trough a similar thing?
Talk to her about it. Seriously.
Why are you hesitating this much? You may do a lot of damadge that way.
Just walk up to her, shut her up and tell her you don't like her being that cold and that you love her!


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Yes. There were a few curveballs thrown in, though.
> 
> But, yeah. You're right ProbablyOffline.
> 
> ...


What? Are you talking to me? I was just asking a question.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> Why are you hesitating this much? You may do a lot of damadge that way.
> Just walk up to her, shut her up and tell her you don't like her being that cold and that you love her!


 Skeletra,
What if the last guy you were with dumped you?
What if he dumped you on the side of the road?
In the middle of nowhere?
And just drove away.
For no reason.
No explanation.
Just drove away.
And you never, ever, ever saw him again.
How would you feel?
Would you feel like you could never trust a man again?

What if your guy *committed suicide?*
What if he *killed himself *right in front of you?
How would you feel about trusting another guy?

It might take a whole lot of guts for you to tell a guy how you feel.

For me, to tell a girl how I feel....especially when I'm getting the "Ice Queen" treatment, is....

impossible.

I...just....don't even know how to describe this anymore.

I'm jumping off a huge, huge, huge cliff here and expecting her to catch me. And from what I've seen lately, she's going to watch me smash against the rocks....and....just....idk...


----------



## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

TenYears said:


> So yeah my heart is breaking, and if you want to capitalize on that on a mental health forum, to make yourself feel better, then take your best shot. I'm not perfect. I have faults. I have weaknesses.
> 
> So, yeah, there are a million reasons why I shouldn't have her, I guess.
> 
> So, go ahead, start...


Give us some credit, I doubt anyone is going to take shots at you. I'm sorry you're going through this. :squeeze

I did reply earlier too, but what I said was pretty obvious and generic.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

SamanthaStrange said:


> Maybe she's just pulling back a little because of the accidental L word incident. Plus if she's been ****ed over a lot in her past, she's probably scared of getting too close to someone and getting hurt again.


 Yeah, you probably hit the nail right on the head. She has been burned before. She's been through hell. She's been abused. And mistreated. In just about every way that you can imagine.

So we're sort of at a standstill, where both of us are afraid to make the first move, how childish.

But, yeah, what do I really have to go on? Her words from her texts, the vibes I'm getting are "back off from me buddy".

So.

Yeah.

Sweet.

It's just awesome to be me


----------



## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Skeletra,
> What if the last guy you were with dumped you?
> What if he dumped you on the side of the road?
> In the middle of nowhere?
> ...


My ex is likely a psychopath and several nights, when we were living together, I caught him doing something nobody should do. He gave me an excuse, but I'm not sure I trust it. When I wake up in the middle of the night and my current boyfriend is not in bed (when I'm visiting him), I fear that I'll catch him doing the same, even though odds of it are really low. There are times I don't trust my own judgement of character, and don't know who to trust and what to do. But you can't live like that forever, you have to see how irrational it is, and you have to take chances.

You're telling us you love her.
At least tell her you don't like this ice queen, and that you really like her.

Look. I really think you deserve it. I really want you to succeed and I'd hate for you to just give up. At least without trying to put things crystal clear between the two of you.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Jeff271 said:


> Could be overthinking it. That L-word stuff can be overwhelming. I wonder if she expected you to say 'love you too' and not make a big deal of it?
> 
> Maybe she hasn't been through that sort of past trauma you have that makes you pause and reflect. Sometimes it's better to let the past be and focus on what's going on in the present. As much as you can. You don't want to allow past troubles to sabotage something good now. I'd imagine your last relationship was filled with a lot of intense drama? From what I've heard not all relationships are like that.


 I'm sure she expected an "I love you, too". But everything she had said in our relationship told me to not, not, not go there. And. Then. She decided to go there. So guess what? I wasn't prepared.

I wouldn't normally allow past troubles with a relationship to sabotage another relationship. But this is kind of different.

I'm trying, man.


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## Astrofreak6 (Mar 30, 2013)

Sorry man, i cannot help you. I am very touchy when i am with someone and if is someone i like i tend to be intimate with them, kissing, etc.. Sorry but i cant relate to your post! But i wish you all the best man!! )


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Astrofreak6 said:


> Sorry man, i cannot help you. I am very touchy when i am with someone and if is someone i like i tend to be intimate with them, kissing, etc.. Sorry but i cant relate to your post! But i wish you all the best man!! )


Thank Man   

'Preciate it, man


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## Astrofreak6 (Mar 30, 2013)

Are you mocking me right now?? x'D
If you are im out of this post, that's it x)


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Astrofreak6 said:


> Are you mocking me right now?? x'D
> If you are im out of this post, that's it x)


No, I'm sorry if u took it that way.

I'm way pissed off right now lol.

My apologies. Serous.

Man, I should know what to do on my own.

I'm a grown f-ing man.

But, lol, I don't.

Lmao.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I think you need to take a break from this, try to focus on something else, and wait for her to contact you.


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## Astrofreak6 (Mar 30, 2013)

all good, don't worry about it!  I tend to overthink everything a little bit too much


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I think you need to take a break from this, try to focus on something else, and wait for her to contact you.


Lol, I work with her. I will see her Monday and will probably work side by side with her Monday.



Astrofreak6 said:


> all good, don't worry about it!  I tend to overthink everything a little bit too much


Sry again. I'd welcome any advice you have.

I'm just really, really depressed, and really frustrated right now.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Anyway...

thank u to everyone for the feedback, and the support.

I'm gonna talk to her Monday at break at 8:00. I set myself a time, so that I can't back out. 

I really don't expect that this is gonna go well. At all.


----------



## Ladysoul (Jan 24, 2014)

TenYears said:


> The last time I said "I love you" to a girl, a year later she committed suicide. Right in front of me. So this is not easy for me. I'm freaking out a bit. I want a commitment, and we have that, but at the same time I'm scared to *death.* I'm afraid that I'm somehow going to hurt her. Or (and I know how irrational this sounds), but what if I drive her to suicide, like I did my ex-gf? I have a lot, a whole, whole lot of guilt weighing me down from that.


This also freaks me out... My ex committed suicide too, so im always very cautious. The emotional toll its left on us no-one would understand...

But honestly someone your age says those 3 words, im pretty sure she aint joking son. 
Just do what your gut tells you, women need communication though.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

TenYears said:


> Anyway...
> 
> thank u to everyone for the feedback, and the support.
> 
> ...


OK. Maybe the lunch hour would be better. Nobody wants to have a serious conversation at 8:00am on a Monday morning. That's just crazy talk.

Ffs she's just gonna tell me to **** off.

I know she is.


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## 1984mark (May 15, 2015)

Just ignore her, walk passed her, text your kids around her, don't give her the satisfaction of keeping you up all night stressing just to work yourself up for Monday and then to be let down and feel crappy for the rest of the day or month or year. Just look right passed her, that's your best chance in my opinion. Stop communicating with her for a week or two, the minute she senses weakness she will move on.

At least that's been my experience.

Good luck though, I hope she does back around.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Any reason you can't talk to her today, TenYears?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> It doesn't have to be like that.
> When I'm depressed, or when my mind starts to ramble stupid **** uncontrollably, I often feel like my boyfriend is only with me for sex. Now that I'm fine, I know this isn't true. Not at all. But that other version of me (just as a way of saying) does not see the obvious side of why it's not. When I'm like that, I don't understand that anyone would want me for anything else.
> Now I carry a flash card to counter it.
> 
> ...


 Maybe you're right. I've gone over and over and over this thread, looking for advice, for something I might have missed lol.

Maybe you're right.

I've tried to make it clear that anytime she wants to go to Chuy's, or the museum, or the botanical garden or just hang out at my place, I'm cool with that. I never, ever, ever have pressured her to have sex. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, when I'm with her my hands are all over her. Maybe that sends the wrong message?

I don't want her to think I don't want her, ffs, man, I do.

OK now I've confused myself even more lmao. I should act like I don't want her?

Skeletra, you see, guys are simple-minded creatures. Now I'm confused. Totally.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> Any reason you can't talk to her today, TenYears?


No.

My last text to her said "I really, really miss you, can't wait to see you. We're at the same location next week. See, ya can't get away from me lol".

Her response:

"location?"

I texted her the location number. The part of town. And the physical address.
, 
I asked her how her weekend was going, and how she was doing, and she responded with:

"Work"

I'm seriously thinking about telling this girl to just **** off.

But I don't think I can do that. I love her, man.

Edit: nevermind. I think I just realized what I need to do.

I need to tell her to **** off.

Am I wrong?


----------



## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

TenYears said:


> I need to tell her to **** off.
> 
> Am I wrong?


I think you'd be wrong. When both parties have mental health issues, it can be excruciatingly difficult, but you have to decide the worth of the relationship to you and how much you're going to fight for it.

Per your passion and descriptions of this relationship, you're not done fighting.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This woman is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


KyleInSTL said:


> I think you'd be wrong. When both parties have mental health issues, it can be excruciatingly difficult, but you have to decide the worth of the relationship to you and how much you're going to fight for it.
> 
> Per your passion and descriptions of this relationship, you're not done fighting.


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> No.
> 
> My last text to her said "I really, really miss you, can't wait to see you. We're at the same location next week. See, ya can't get away from me lol".
> 
> ...


Wow dude. Yeah, I wouldn't give this woman any more of my emotions. You deserve better than this. You just answered your question yourself.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> Wow dude. Yeah, I wouldn't give this woman any more of my emotions. You deserve better than this. You just answered your question yourself.


 But I don't know what to do Srschirm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't just not see her anymore! I can't even type the word "breakup".

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will you talk to her for me lol?


----------



## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

TenYears said:


> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> This woman is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And that may tell you that it's worth it.

You could try the following...

"I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by giving me the cold shoulder, but you aren't going to dismiss me and this relationship without a fight. I'm here until you literally tell me to go away and stay away."


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> But I don't know what to do Srschirm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I can't just not see her anymore! I can't even type the word "breakup".
> 
> ...


LOL I would! I understand the mixture of emotions you're feeling....but her shortness isn't something I'd appreciate. You're always available to her, and it seems she isn't reciprocating. You're the one giving all the emotion and effort. See what I mean? I'd tell her how you feel, and if she can't give you what you need after that, you gotta move on.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> LOL I would! I understand the mixture of emotions you're feeling....but her shortness isn't something I'd appreciate. You're always available to her, and it seems she isn't reciprocating. You're the one giving all the emotion and effort. See what I mean? I'd tell her how you feel, and if she can't give you what you need after that, you gotta move on.


you and Kyle need to get your **** together, come to some kind of agreement and then tell me what to do.

You guys are making my head hurt.


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> you and Kyle need to get your **** together, come to some kind of agreement and then tell me what to do.
> 
> You guys are making my head hurt.


LOL, I'm the guy on this board who is always telling people to work on their relationships. So, what I recommend is telling her how you feel, giving her a chance to turn it around, and if she doesn't you need to move on. It's not good to pine after an emotionally unavailable person.

Kyle gives great advice on the board too. I think overall him and I agree, I'm just telling you to not let her string you along.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> LOL, I'm the guy on this board who is always telling people to work on their relationships. So, what I recommend is telling her how you feel, giving her a chance to turn it around, and if she doesn't you need to move on. It's not good to pine after an emotionally unavailable person.
> 
> Kyle gives great advice on the board too. I think overall him and I agree, I'm just telling you to not let her string you alone.


Yeah, I appreciate the advice, I really do. You're probably right.

I love this woman with all my heart, but I don't want to turn into a little puppy dog, following her around everywhere. Nobody wants that.

The funniest thing about this, is that this isn't even a fight. All this is just b-**** going back and forth, it's not over anything. But, it's over everything.

She slipped those three little words into a conversation. Those three little motherf-ing words.

And now this.

Everything, everything was fine, until then.

Goddmamit!!!!


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> Yeah, I appreciate the advice, I really do. You're probably right.
> 
> I love this woman with all my heart, but I don't want to turn into a little puppy dog, following her around everywhere. Nobody wants that.
> 
> ...


Hey, that's what I'm here for. Weird how she just let that phrase slip....and now she's being distant? It makes no sense to me. But I think a heart-to-heart talk is in order....and then you take it from there.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Jeff271 said:


> I'm getting nightmares about my ex. The more I chased after her, the more coldly she pushed me away.
> 
> Take a break from it for a few days and enjoy being a bachelor?


Yeah, well I have been. Enjoying being a bachelor. We normally don't see each other on the weekends. I miss her, though.

Games.

I f-ing hate playing games.

That's almost a dealbreaker, to me. If you want to play games, go find someone else.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

It's possible that she needs space because she obviously didn't want a committed relationship so she might be confused about it.

If so this:



> My last text to her said "I really, really miss you, can't wait to see you. We're at the same location next week. See, ya can't get away from me lol".


would probably be off putting to her. She should tell you what she's thinking, but maybe she wants to get things in order in her head first.

Or she realises your relationship has evolved past a point she's comfortable with feelings wise and is trying to distance herself from you.

You'll have to speak to her though.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> It's possible that she needs space because she obviously didn't want a committed relationship so she might be confused about it.
> 
> If so this:
> 
> ...


Yeah, I wonder if it's evolved past that point.

Her biggest rule, to never be broken, was do not kiss her on the lips. I would try. And she would turn away, every time. Then one day, out of the blue she kisses me on the lips. And she kisses me there over and over and over again, really long kisses, even when we're out somewhere.

Maybe she regrets getting to this point. She realizes she's in over her head, with a guy she doesn't really want to be with. Idk. I hope not. But...maybe.

I'm freaking out right now. Really freaking out. I think I'm gonna talk to her after work, I don't want to get interrupted because our break or lunch is over.

She may (likely) will say she doesn't feel the same way. And that will mean the end of everything. We can't even be fwb, not after that talk. And she will be there, every day at work, to remind of the girl that I could have had, should have had, but lost.

Beautiful.

I'm really freaking out right now, man.


----------



## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Her biggest rule, to never be broken, was do not kiss her on the lips. I would try. And she would turn away, every time. Then one day, out of the blue she kisses me on the lips. And she kisses me there over and over and over again, really long kisses, even when we're out somewhere.


In public?
How long ago did she do that?

Those 3 little words are quite powerful though.
She seems hard to figure out, but you say she has had a tough relationship before. It is likely that 1. She's angry at herself for saying I love you too soon (making her realize that she's not ready, but she likes to play with fire/test her limits) or 2. She's angry at you for not making it abundantly clear that you love her as well (wishful thinking gone wrong)
Or of course many other variations, but her cold approach makes it look like shes angry at someone.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> In public?
> How long ago did she do that?
> 
> Those 3 little words are quite powerful though.
> ...


 She did it about a month after we'd met. Maybe more like three weeks. I remember it because it completely, totally shocked me. I didn't think that I was ever going to kiss this girl on the lips, and she just planted one on me, from out of nowhere. I just sat there. Stunned. Like a total dumbass.

She's been through more than I can even put into words here.

She's been homeless.

She's been without anyone to look after her, as a child, hardly ever. She raised herself. Much like I did. But, in a lot of ways, much worse.

She hates, hates, hates her father. So, yeah. There's that. I'm not even gonna go there yet. I'm not even gonna ask about that.

I care about this girl, I really do. I want to help her. I want her to get better.

I can see why she's not moving ahead in her position at work, it's really as clear as day to me. She's sabotaging herself. I want to help her but she won't let me help her.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

In a Lonely Place said:


> Do you love her?


YES!!!!!!!!

Yes man, I do, I love this girl!!!

I love her, everyone at my workplace knows that I love her, even though she doesn't want people to know! I can't hide it!

We go out at break, at lunch, to my car, we hang out, sometimes leave from the same car after work to go somewhere.

She's my girl, man.



TenYears said:


> She did it about a month after we'd met. Maybe more like three weeks. I remember it because it completely, totally shocked me. I didn't think that I was ever going to kiss this girl on the lips, and she just planted one on me, from out of nowhere. I just sat there. Stunned. Like a total dumbass.
> 
> She's been through more than I can even put into words here.
> 
> ...


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

So where's the situation at now, TenYears?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> So where's the situation at now, TenYears?


We're at work, at the same location today. Working side by side, talking. Life is good. I don't know, man, she barely speaks a word to me last weekend, but today we're like best friends. I cannot figure this girl out lol. I'm gonna try to talk to her after work. I think.


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> We're at work, at the same location today. Working side by side, talking. Life is good. I don't know, man, she barely speaks a word to me last weekend, but today we're like best friends. I cannot figure this girl out lol. I'm gonna try to talk to her after work. I think.


Good idea. It can't be healthy for you to be in such emotional limbo.


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

OP when women state they only want sex and attention, they only want that. sex releases hormones that trigger emotions "her kissing you, the L word". but she still doesn't see herself with you. shes looking for someone else.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Riri11 said:


> OP when women state they only want sex and attention, they only want that. sex releases hormones that trigger emotions "her kissing you, the L word". but she still doesn't see herself with you. shes looking for someone else.


Not all women are the same though. Some people say something hoping to convince themselves of it but deep down they really want something else, or maybe they don't know it at the time they say it.

it's a good thing she's in a better mood now, TenYears


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Riri11 said:


> OP when women state they only want sex and attention, they only want that. sex releases hormones that trigger emotions "her kissing you, the L word". but she still doesn't see herself with you. shes looking for someone else.


Really? How can you be so sure? You must know my gf pretty well. I'm guessing, for years. Does she talk about me often? Who exactly is she looking for? How did you get so experienced with women? What's your trick? I mean, how do you know what they're thinking?

Seriously, I may not be what she's looking for. But we are definitely more than just **** buddies, we're more than just friends with benefits. I feel very close to her, and I think she feels the same...there isn't much that she isn't comfortable talking to me about.

I love this girl. She's my baby. If I'm not what she's looking for, I will take whatever she's willing to give of herself. And hopefully one day I will be what she's looking for. I will be there, whenever she's ready lmao.


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

TenYears said:


> Really? How can you be so sure? You must know my gf pretty well. I'm guessing, for years. Does she talk about me often? Who exactly is she looking for? How did you get so experienced with women? What's your trick? I mean, how do you know what they're thinking?
> 
> Seriously, I may not be what she's looking for. But we are definitely more than just **** buddies, we're more than just friends with benefits. I feel very close to her, and I think she feels the same...there isn't much that she isn't comfortable talking to me about.
> 
> I love this girl. She's my baby. If I'm not what she's looking for, I will take whatever she's willing to give of herself. And hopefully one day I will be what she's looking for. I will be there, whenever she's ready lmao.


 when she meets the right guy she'll be straight forward with him that she loves him and expect a commitment.

you're head over heels and she knows you're not her type and doesn't want anymore than a NSA


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

Did you talk to her today? We want an update!


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

SamanthaStrange said:


> Did you talk to her today? We want an update!


Lol, no. She was in a bad mood toward the end of our shift, stuff about work.

Uhm, I also just...don't want things to get "weird" ya know? I don't want to make her uncomfortable. And I think the conversation I want to have might make her feel that way. I also don't want to come off as "clingy, needy" guy. Just....no. No. But I want to tell her how I feel. How to do that, without appearing "clingy" or "needy", without making her uncomfortable, and catching her in a good mood, when she has time to talk....it will happen, though.

I am gonna talk to her, soon. Thx for asking. I'm trying not to screw this up lol.

We almost snuck off toward the end of our shift today. To, uhm, mess around. We found a place where we wouldn't be bothered lol. And we were on the clock. I talked her out of it. I wanted to, I reeeeally did, but we probably would've gotten caught. She's such a bad influence on me lol.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Riri11 said:


> when she meets the right guy she'll be straight forward with him that she loves him and expect a commitment.


Honestly, that might not be the case either. Some people can't be honest and straight-forward.


----------



## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

srschirm said:


> Honestly, that might not be the case either. Some people can't be honest and straight-forward.


she seems to have been straight forward about not wanting anything more.


----------



## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Riri11 said:


> she seems to have been straight forward about not wanting anything more.


Well yes, it does seem that way....

TenYears, I'd just enjoy what she is giving....either that or eliminate her from your life as much as you're able.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Riri11 said:


> she seems to have been straight forward about not wanting anything more.


But as someone who tends to self sabotage, we don't know if that is what she is doing.
TenYears. You should talk to her. Don't just assume any of us really know what's going on inside her head.


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

Skeletra said:


> But as someone who tends to self sabotage, we don't know if that is what she is doing.
> TenYears. You should talk to her. Don't just assume any of us really know what's going on inside her head.


we can never know a person until they have opened up completely to us. by wearing the rose coloured glasses and assuming we know someone else, we only end up being used and abused.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> But as someone who tends to self sabotage, we don't know if that is what she is doing.
> TenYears. You should talk to her. Don't just assume any of us really know what's going on inside her head.


Yeah, I want to talk to her. It's just...a big risk. Talking to her about this is a very big f-ing deal, it's not something I take lightly. Getting into how I feel about her could drive her away, especially after she's made it clear (sort of, kind of, sometimes) that she just wants a FWB type thing. I think she wants more than that. She's made that clear at least as often as she's said "I just want no strings attached", through all the stuff I mentioned earlier. I don't believe she would do those things unless she wanted more...there's no other explanation.

The other thing is, I really, really do not want to come across as needy or clingy guy. And so how do you get into being honest about how you feel without coming across that way. Even if I think I'm not being "that guy" in her mind I might be. Once you get that label I imagine it's really hard, maybe impossible, to change it.

Maybe I'll go out and buy an inflatable girl friend. Sometimes I wish I was one of those guys that could do that lol. Just throw down $50, take her home, blow her up, dress her up for date nights. Like in that movie "Lars and the Real Girl". Relationships are so goddamn complicated. Especially for me. Ffs.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TenYears said:


> *Lol, no. She was in a bad mood toward the end of our shift, stuff about work.*
> 
> Uhm, I also just...don't want things to get "weird" ya know? I don't want to make her uncomfortable. And I think the conversation I want to have might make her feel that way. I also don't want to come off as "clingy, needy" guy. Just....no. No. But I want to tell her how I feel. How to do that, without appearing "clingy" or "needy", without making her uncomfortable, and catching her in a good mood, when she has time to talk....it will happen, though.
> 
> ...


Hmm... There's something there I think.

But again, you're going to need to talk to her one way or the other because I don't think this is working well for you and is clearly causing a lot of stress.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

In a Lonely Place said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't this whole thing spring up because she said she loved you?


Yeah. My therapist would tell me that things like that do not get said "by accident". In other words, she would tell me that, regardless of whether she meant to say it or it was an accident....she really meant to say it.

It's still a risk, talking to her about this stuff, getting into all this. I've been going over it, over and over in my head for days and I really am no closer to knowing what she'll say. I have no idea how she'd react.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Hmm... There's something there I think.
> 
> But again, you're going to need to talk to her one way or the other because I don't think this is working well for you and is clearly causing a lot of stress.


OK Persephone, ya caught me. She wasn't really in a bad mood. I chickened out, and I was too embarrassed to say that I chickened out.

The truth is out now :surprise:


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TenYears said:


> OK Persephone, ya caught me. She wasn't really in a bad mood. I chickened out, and I was too embarrassed to say that I chickened out.
> 
> The truth is out now :surprise:


OK, well it's understandable and actually better than my interpretation.

Because it sounded like if she was actually annoyed at that time, that she was annoyed because you wouldn't have sex with her. If she cared about you, she should understand that, because you're potentially putting your job on the line.

It's only been one weekend right? Maybe you've blown this up a bit in your head if she seemed fine at work (plus she asked you to have sex with her) But it is work, so there's only one way to know - I think you should try and meet up with her outside work at some point and discuss things then. Having a serious relationship conversation at work probably isn't the best idea anyway.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> OK, well it's understandable and actually better than my interpretation.
> 
> Because it sounded like if she was actually annoyed at that time, that she was annoyed because you wouldn't have sex with her. If she cared about you, she should understand that, because you're potentially putting your job on the line.
> 
> It's only been one weekend right? Maybe you've blown this up a bit in your head if she seemed fine at work. But it is work, so there's only one way to know - I think you should try and meet up with her outside work at some point and discuss things then. Having a serious relationship conversation at work probably isn't the best idea anyway.


It's been a few months. She stays at my place sometimes, for a few days at a time. We've gone out lots of times. I wouldn't talk to her about something like that at work, there's no way. Maybe right after work, go out for a late lunch or drinks or something. Or come back to my place


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TenYears said:


> It's been a few months. She stays at my place sometimes, for a few days at a time. We've gone out lots of times. I wouldn't talk to her about something like that at work, there's no way. Maybe right after work, go out for a late lunch or drinks or something. Or come back to my place


Oh, no I got that I meant it's only been a weekend since she said I love you and her weird behaviour?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Oh, no I got that I meant it's only been a weekend since she said I love you and her weird behaviour?


Oh, yeah, lol. Was last week.

God I wish I could just take back my reaction. So, so, so, so stupid. I laughed and then hung up. All this might have been avoided if I'd just said "I love you, too". Urrrrrrghhhhh.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Yeah. My therapist would tell me that things like that do not get said "by accident". In other words, she would tell me that, regardless of whether she meant to say it or it was an accident....she really meant to say it..


I sort of agree with your therapist, but she might still feel conflicted about it and she might put different weight on those words.



TenYears said:


> Yeah, I want to talk to her. It's just...a big risk. Talking to her about this is a very big f-ing deal, it's not something I take lightly.


Do you really want to talk to her?
You do realise that not talking to her is just as big of a risk? You know it might drive her away if she doesn't feel like you love her back if she wanted you to say it back that day.
_You_ talked her out of sneaking off last time. She wanted to. That could wery well future her interpretation that you don't like her that much.
Now you're the one self sabotaging. If you keep that up its only a matter of time until she is convinced that you don't like her and she moves on.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> I sort of agree with your therapist, but she might still feel conflicted about it and she might put different weight on those words.
> 
> Do you really want to talk to her?
> You do realise that not talking to her is just as big of a risk? You know it might drive her away if she doesn't feel like you love her back if she wanted you to say it back that day.
> ...


I do want to talk to her. I just want it to go the right way. There are so many ways it could go wrong. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be stressing about it, at all, I just wouldn't care.

OK, yeah, I talked her out of sneaking off, and yes, she wanted to, and SO DID I, What was I supposed to do? Chances are very, very good that we would have gotten caught.

I wanted to do it, don't get me wrong, ffs, yeah, I wanted to get in her pants, it's been a couple weeks, I feel like I'm gonna explode. But at work? At the job site? There are cameras everywhere, everywhere. You can't walk down the street without being videotaped. I kind of like the thrill of getting away with it and everything, but sheeesh, man. I wanta keep my job.

I don't think I'm self-sabotaging. I think I might be over-thinking. Idk.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Well if the conversation goes the wrong way, then you have your answer. And you deserve to have an answer sooner than later for your own sanity. Big talks are anxiety-provoking, but they have to be done.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Any updates on this?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

srschirm said:


> Any updates on this?


I told her that I had something I wanted to talk about. Which really peeked her interest. She must have asked me what was it three or four times, she was very interested.

But, Srschirm I know what you're gonna say...

I know. I can hear it coming. But it wasn't THE RIGHT TIME.

I don't want it to be awkward, man. I don't want it to be weird.

I want her to want me.

Your gonna laugh your @zz off but I just spent $50 on 600 thread count sheets, and a new blankie, and she's probly gonna hate them both anyway lol.

Meeehhhhh.....I don't know what I'm doin. I really don't.

But I'm serious about wanting her to want me. I really, really, really like this girl. No, I love this girl.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Don't you dare chicken out this time. Talk to her even if she gets explosive diarrhoea.
This time she's even exited.

Let us know how it goes


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TenYears said:


> I told her that I had something I wanted to talk about. Which really peeked her interest. She must have asked me what was it three or four times, she was very interested.
> 
> But, Srschirm I know what you're gonna say...
> 
> ...


Haha you know me well, man. So, if it wasn't the right time the past 3-4 times, when is it gonna be?

And about the sheets...at least you should be sleeping well regardless of what happens, look at it that way!


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

WOW.


And just that quickly. People can show their true colors.


*****.


*** her.


OMG.


Oh.
My.
God.


Don't Even Ask.
I'm Serious. Don't.


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

I won't ask, I'll just assume things did not go as you had hoped. That sucks, I was really pulling for you. :crying:


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

SamanthaStrange said:


> I won't ask, I'll just assume things did not go as you had hoped. That sucks, I was really pulling for you. :crying:


Well, thank you. I didn't even talk to her.

She made some digs at me, she really hit me where she shouldn't have lol. Just out of nowhere. So she was obviously really mad and hurt about something else. But she shouldn't have gone there.

I don't have any pride really lmao. I'll say I'm sorry. But, she'll just do it again. And again. And again.

I love her. I really do. But I'm not gonna be anyone's doormat.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Yeah man, don't let her bring you down. You deserve better!


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

Don't worry scro, just focus on the really important L word


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

TenYears said:


> And I've become really close to her. I don't just like her. I love her. I feel like I'm not "whole" when she's not around.


The reason a lot of guys don't say "I love you" is that they have learned from experience that women lose interest once you say it.

You're almost always better off playing it cool. Never be the first to say the L word. Never be the one who asks to elevate the relationship. Wait for her to ask, "Do you love me?" "Do you want to move in? Do you want to take this relationship to the next level?"

In my experience, I find that the guys who care the least are loved the most. Guys who wear their hearts on their sleeve and say I love you get dumped or treated like crap.

Part of it is psychology. People want what they cannot have. If you offer yourself and your love too easily no one will want you. * shrug *


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

I just want to add that I just saw a music video where an old man advises a young man about women. He says, "women are like shadows. If you chase them they runaway. If you runaway they chase you." That's exactly what I've experienced. If you start falling in love with her and telling her you love her and all then she'll run away from you. If you play it cool she'll chase you.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

@AngelClare Yeah to a point, I agree with you. I think that if you play that game though you run the risk of just running her off. I think you have to really know how to play that game (and I usually can), but even if you do, you can still end up burning yourself.

I will say that there have been a few times when she's appeared to show the most interest when I've shown the least. At work, the day she came over to my place for the first time, she was playing hard to get. And I walked up to her and said "Come over, or don't. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. Up to you." And then I walked away and didn't talk to her the rest of our shift. And that night she came over. So yeah, idk.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

TenYears said:


> And I walked up to her and said "Come over, or don't. I'm not gonna kill myself over it. Up to you."


That's the kind of attitude you need to have. If you're afraid of losing someone you'll lose them. You can't be yourself if you're afraid the person is going to leave you. If she goes, she goes. There are other women.

Just cancel any plans you had to confess your undying love for her. Play it cool and focus more on having fun together.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

AngelClare said:


> The reason a lot of guys don't say "I love you" is that they have learned from experience that women lose interest once you say it.
> 
> You're almost always better off playing it cool. Never be the first to say the L word. Never be the one who asks to elevate the relationship. Wait for her to ask, "Do you love me?" "Do you want to move in? Do you want to take this relationship to the next level?"
> 
> ...


I'm going to pop in and say that we women also read a lot that we should never be the first to say it. The man is supposed to want you so much that he could shout it and apparently if we women's say it first, he'll loose all interest and run away.
It's all about timing and what type of person the partner is. In my opinion.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I hate games...if you feel it, say it...either gender...no matter who is first. As long as it comes from the heart and isn't meant to manipulate, it shouldn't matter who says it first.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

KyleInSTL said:


> I hate games...if you feel it, say it...either gender...no matter who is first. As long as it comes from the heart and isn't meant to manipulate, it shouldn't matter who says it first.


Right, but when you say it matters...at what point in the relationship. I really dgaf if I say it first or if she says it first, but I'm afraid of telling her before she's ready to hear it.



Skeletra said:


> I'm going to pop in and say that we women also read a lot that we should never be the first to say it. The man is supposed to want you so much that he could shout it and apparently if we women's say it first, he'll loose all interest and run away.
> It's all about timing and what type of person the partner is. In my opinion.


I'm ready to shout it from the highest mountain-top. I mean, everyone at work knows we're "together". They tease her about me, but for some reason they never say a word about her when I'm around. I guess they're afraid of my reaction or something, ffs, though, I'm not that scary. Or maybe I am, f*** idk lol. I mostly work with guys.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> I'm ready to shout it from the highest mountain-top. I mean, everyone at work knows we're "together". They tease her about me, but for some reason they never say a word about her when I'm around. I guess they're afraid of my reaction or something, ffs, though, I'm not that scary. Or maybe I am, f*** idk lol. I mostly work with guys.


Um.. Didn't she show her true colours or flip you out or something?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> Um.. Didn't she show her true colours or flip you out or something?


Well, no, she didn't "show her true colors" or "flip me out or something".

But yeah we did get into a pretty big argument.

*shrug*

We're over it.

She was mad about something that I guess in a way I don't blame her for being mad about.

Sort of.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Well, no, she didn't "show her true colors" or "flip me out or something".
> 
> But yeah we did get into a pretty big argument.
> 
> ...


Hmm..


TenYears said:


> WOW.
> And just that quickly. People can show their true colors.
> 
> Don't Even Ask.
> I'm Serious. Don't.


It sounded like you were done with her.
I wonder what's going to happen next time you try to talk to her. Something always seems to come up.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> Hmm..
> 
> It sounded like you were done with her.
> I wonder what's going to happen next time you try to talk to her. Something always seems to come up.


I was. And then I realized I probably over-reacted, and she did also.

And I just don't think she's ready to hear what I have to say. I think it would take her completely by surprise, and maybe not in a good way, idk.

What I am sure of is that if I tell her this before she's ready to hear it, there is no going back. And she will see me in a totally different light, and we may not even keep what we have now. She may stop seeing me completely, if she realizes that I'm head-over-heels in love with her, and she's not ready to hear that....she may just run.

Idk why so many people are telling me to risk so much, so early???


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