# A Bold Move in a Dark Night



## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

There are things that have been on mind lately. I think about them because I'm thinking about how I got here. Why I'm here and why I'm in this state of being right now.

The stories of struggle here against this oppressive force has warmed my heart and inspired me to do something very ... painfully complicated.

I made it my resolution to fight this thing this year, starting the very first day. However I know I still have a past to deal with.
It hasn't especially bothered me in three years, but being here and understanding my condition has convinced me that i let fear win too often before. That I left something unresolved and since it was caused by fear, I needed to confront that.

I must apologize to all, since right now, I can't tell the story of my past here. Not yet at least. It's a story I thought I had closed, but tonight I add one last page to it. Tonight was another battle with something I left behind three years ago.

I just wrote a letter to someone who probably has serious questions about me and things I've done. It may be finest piece of writing I've made in a long time. It's a letter of truth, saying things that fear kept me from saying time and time again. 

I guess it is a victory in a way. My fear really wanted me not to write that letter. It was difficult to do, but it is done. Easy part will be just dropping it in the mailbox tommorow. It's all set to go now.

Right now, I'm in pain from old agonies coming to the surface again. 
I know this probably sounds all odd and such and I don't even know if there will be anything to report on it later. 
It's like shooting a silver bullet at the moon... no idea if it'll ever get there and what would happen.


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

Hoping for the best for you as your letter makes it's way to it's destination.....and in general all the best to you in this new year as you battle sa.....

John H


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

heh,heh. Thanks for the support. 

I'm much better now that I've gotten it out the way.
My topic was probably akward to understand since I was trying to write it in the middle of a serious anxiety episode. I just wanted to say something then, but it was quite hard to think rationally.

I only got about four hours of sleep last night but had a dream about travelling very far away. Fact that I dreamt under such stress and short duration made me think I was on the right track.

The letter was mailed today and there isn't much reason to suspect that it won't reach it's destination. 
Since I'm a lot calmer now, i can talk about it better. It was a letter to a friend whom i've known for a very long time, a very special girl in my life. I love her greatly, but time and time again my SA problems have always prevented me from being upfront with her about how I felt. I've done a lot of strange things about her because of it, and she probably has wondered a great deal about me. 
My situation with her has been on mind a lot lately since I starting being here. I still held a lot of regret about it inside.
Since our last meeting we were supposed to have kept in touch, but it didn't happen. Then last night I found out she was married... happened last year some time. 
Now, since our last meeting, I knew there was no way I could be with her and tried to let her go, but I still regreted never explaining myself.
Now since I have better understanding of problem, I wanted to explain.
I congradulated her on her marriage and I am in fact quite happy for her.
I then let her know about my SAD issues and let her know how I felt about her. My love for her has changed quite a bit over a years and now it's much more of a sentimental love. I let her know that I was support of her happiness and that she shouldn't look back to me for any reason anymore.

I swear... I feel like I aged ten extra years last night.
My first major victory of the year. :yay 

In other news tonight... Another small victory to share.
At work there is a girl who I've become quite friends with. A slight misunderstanding of words had led me to beleive it was her birthday. This is a girl I really like, so since i was already in risk-taking mood i decided to make her a quick origami gift during my break.
However as I was going to give it her it, I found out it was actually her mom's birthday... So I quietly went back to work.
But since I had already made the origami gift, i still wanted to give it to her anyway. So I did muster my courage and found an opprotunity to present it to her and then explained the misunderstanding. She was sweet about it and understanding. I let her know I'd know I'd make a better one for her real birthday(since the one I gave her was made rather quickly and not quite perfect).
Whew!

If only she was single i would seriously consider asking her out. But all I can do right now is try to keep her as a friend.

well... that's about it.

Edit: well okay, there is one other thing... I did mention in the letter that I was frequenting this site. So... there is a possibility she might see what I've been doing here. So... I'm not going to think about this anymore.


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

When I read your original post I just trusted that I did not need to know the details...Having heard the details that is a very gutsy thing to do. To open up to someone you cared/care about to let them know how you felt and what was going on for you. It is also very good because it does ''tie up" some loose ends for you and I am sure helps you cleanly move ahead. Good for you!!!!

Also interesting that you are being quite out going and risking in connecting/interacting with other people, again, Good for you!!!!!

All The Best
John H


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## umbrellagirl1980 (Dec 28, 2005)

hi,
i wanted to reply to your post because it brought back a lot of memories for me. a few years back, i also wrote a truthful letter to someone. it was possibly the bravest thing i've ever done. i never received a reply, though i'm glad i sent it still. i don't know really what i'm trying to say except to thank you for your post, it made me daydream about my past. i wish you luck with your letter and everything else. 
ps - almost no one sends real letters anymore. it's kind of an obsession of mine. nice to see another letter writer.


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

Thanks for the support you two. 
I'm not expecting a reply. I'm not sure what I'd think if I did get a reply.
It certainly competes for top place amonst bravest things I've done right now...

It's true, people my age don't really bother with letters anymore. It's such a lost art.


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## friend_Z (Jan 3, 2006)

Cool.

I read up on your story, freesoul. I'm just glad you're being proactive, taking chances and making moves. Let the chips fall where they may, right? Things will work themselves out, one way or another.

Hope '06 becomes a year to remember.


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

Okay... I feel like a **** now. 

The letter just got returned to me. Unable to forward, no new address...
Such a frickin wasted effort...
I am just not going to able to put closure to this side of myself!!?

I don;t know what to say. I'll just put a bunch a smilies down.
:mum :fall :cry :x :sigh :rain


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## casio784 (Nov 14, 2003)

I'm sorry that it turned out to be so anti-climatic. 

But maybe she doesn't really need to read the letter in order for you to leave this matter behind once and for all and move forward, maybe just the fact that you wrote it and mailed it shows that the change has already taken place inside you. 

Don't let it discourage you, you have a great positive attitude and can do some real damage to SA if you continue!


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

Would've been better had it never come back to me. At least I could believe it had gotten through.

It's a dissapoint similar to what happened three years ago. So close... but again, denied. Except this time it wasn't truely under my control.
I don't know what to do with this thing now. She's gone beyond my reach now.

I'm worried more about my old wounds still plagueing me over this. My regrets flare up on me every now and then, like on the night I wrote it.

My ups and downs the past couple of weeks certainly show that I'm fighting... but it is taking it's toll on me. Getting that letter returned sparked a depressive fit in me and now I'm sore all over from over-exertion. I think i just need to cool it for a bit.


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## Dante3214 (Jan 16, 2006)

Doesn't sound odd to me!



It gives me hope.. actually.


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## umbrellagirl1980 (Dec 28, 2005)

sorry to hear about your letter. i still write letters to people from my past. i don't send them anymore though. i have whole folders full with them. my odd, truthful, unsent letters. it doesn't bring closure though, you're right about that. but it isn't so bad writing them just for yourself really. in my imagination i send them, and many things happen.


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

FreeSoul

Yes it is too bad that the letter came back.....

But you know what, to me that does not make much difference, you are still a caring classy guy!!!!! You had the intent, there are a whole lot of guys who would not have even tried. You tried and that is the measure of who you are!!!!! Ya it is a bummer that it came back but *what I see as truly important was the momemt that you dropped it in the mail box sending it!!!!!*

What do you do now??? Well you could stick it in the back of a drawer that there may come some time when it is deliverable???, you never know. Or you might take some time to make a little ceremony where you honor your intent, then perhaps burn it and say something to yourself like "I release the past and I choose to forgive myself for whatever I regret and be complete and ready to move forward".

So yes it is a bummer it came back but *DO HONOR YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE, AT THIS TIME, A CARING CLASSY PERSON!!!!!!!!!*

John H


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