# Issues with my English class..



## AkaiNikkichou (Sep 22, 2012)

Warning: long, long story. Sorry.. I kind of need some listening ears/eyes here.

The worst of my SA comes when I feel super vulnerable and am in a prime position to be formally judged and criticized by my classmates and the teacher. I can handle Powerpoints because, after all, the lights are dimmed, you're not generally facing the class (at least in my experience), and you just read what's on the slides.

However, when it comes to reading something I wrote out loud to the class, like a short story or an essay, I just physically can't make myself do it because I feel like that's an actual part of me being bared to and judged by everyone in the room, and I really can't handle it. I'm in tenth grade, and the last time something like this happened was in fifth grade when I was trying to get through my Tropicana speech (a Florida thing) and completely broke down crying and hyperventilating in front of the whole class. Ever since then my teachers have been super understanding and I've come close, but I haven't lost it for that reason specifically.

Anyway, my story here is that my current English teacher requires you to read every story and essay you write out loud in front of the class. I went to my guidance office yesterday twice trying to switch to a different English class. Basically they told me that hell would freeze over before I'd be able to change my schedule because of the Class Size Amendment (also a Florida thing, I think) only allowing a certain number of kids in each class. Had I gone within the first "7-10 days of the semester" it apparently wouldn't have been a problem, but of course I wanted to give my teacher a chance, even when I first heard about the presentations because maybe it would only be one or two things for the whole year. Not the case, and of course I'm beating myself up for not getting out when I could.

It's a long story, but I pretty much had one of the worst days of my life yesterday and ran all over the school with my guidance counselor, talking to one unhelpful idiot after another and having emotional episodes all over the place. My teacher herself essentially told me to suck it up, classroom policy, too bad for you and your psychological problems, even when my counselor told her I had severe social anxiety. The thing is, she doesn't even _grade_ you on your presentations. I most certainly do not see _any_ good reason why I should willingly publicly humiliate myself when I'm physically incapable of making it through something like this whole.

People were trying to tell me all day that I should just get over it and "face my fear." Bullsh*t. Mind over matter only goes so far. I have no control over how my body decides to react. If anything, putting myself through that again will only traumatize me more. When someone has an extreme phobia of spiders, you don't shove tarantulas in their face and yell "GET OVER IT."

I was verbally crapped on so many times, by so many people yesterday. First period on Monday we're supposed to read an autobiographical short story about our lives. I haven't even started it yet, and it'll probably be filled with bitterness anyway. My counselor got the assistant principal to try to talk to my teacher, but I don't know the results of the conversation yet. In the mean time, my mom is trying to sign me up for an online English class to get me out of this hellhole, but we don't even know if they'll let me. I think I missed the deadline by like a day, which would just figure.

*tl'dr: My English teacher wants me to read my short story in front of the class, I can't do it, people were complete a**holes about it, I had episodes, and I'm trying to get out of it or go to an online class.*

I just don't know what to do Monday morning. Do I go to school and find out if she changed her mind and will let me not read it? If so, one of two things will happen. She'll tell me to do it anyway and I'll refuse and probably cry and run out or something... or, she'll tell me I don't have to and I'll feel weird for the whole year because she probably hates me for causing her trouble. Or, do I go to guidance in the morning with my mom and try to get the online class thing settled? But if it doesn't work out and they tell me to go to class, I'll just cry in the bathroom for the whole period and they'll _know_ why I'm skipping and probably write me up or something. Plus, my second period teacher is roommates and best friends with my first period teacher and she'll just ask why I was marked absent in first period. She does that. Or, do I just skip first period for the day and buy another day to work things out? I just don't know.

If anyone was patient and determined enough to read that entire thing, I commend you. D:


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## JoeyJoeJoeJrShabadoo (Sep 19, 2012)

Hey

Read the whole thing and totally felt the same way so many times. You'd expect teachers to be sympathetic but they're really not. I can't remember how many times I've had teachers and other students laugh at me during my presentations or tell me to speak up or slow down. Sigh its so stressful. Even when I try to be calm and just read it they tell me I'm not loud enough and make me shout it causing me to lose my voice half way through.

Hang in there. In the end it really doesn't matter what your classmates or teachers think.


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## AkaiNikkichou (Sep 22, 2012)

Oh my god, I cannot tell you how much the "speak up" thing gets to me. It's like, I'm barely holding myself together here, way to make it a hundred times worse. It's actually what made me fall apart in fifth grade, and the fact that I was deathly afraid of my teacher didn't help.

Thank you so much for the sympathy  I was starting to think that maybe I'm just crazy. ^^; Time to write that stupid story! I'll bet it'll be my best work :roll


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

Oh my gosh, you sound so much like me. English class was the one I really hated because I only had one friend in it. Luckily for me the teacher would only select around two people at random to read out their essays. But your teacher sounds absolutely horrible. It doesn't make sense that she wouldn't grade you for your powerpoint presentation. Does she grade you for reading out your essay? I don't know, it just seems such a pointless thing to do. 

I know it's easy to tell you to do one thing and then not so easy when you're actually doing it, but my technique is usually just to imagine there's nobody else in the room and that you're speaking to yourself. The whole thing won't take too long to read so just remember when you start that it'll be over in 5 minutes time.

Even if you feel like everyone is watching you, ignore them. At the end of the day their work isn't going to be perfect, either, and they'll probably be more concerned with what they have to do. Just speak as calmly as you can, drink lots of water and show them all up. :]


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## AkaiNikkichou (Sep 22, 2012)

My teacher really is horrible. She's not even good at her job either - it's a tenth grade English II Honors class, and we've been doing basic pronoun and adjective worksheets for the past month. I just want to bash my face against a wall every morning. :bash

Sorry, I think I worded the powerpoint thing confusingly.. we haven't done any in that class, and I was just saying I can get through those in general. What she doesn't grade you on is when everyone reads their stories to the class, at least not until the big speech unit later in the year (another reason for me to get out of there ASAP). It really is completely pointless.

Techniques like that work for me when it comes to powerpoints or the whole poster project thing where you just get up and read off some stuff on your poster for 30 seconds. Thanks for the advice, but I've tried everything and it just doesn't work for me for things like this. My tear ducts unfortunately have a mind of their own, and it's just really hard to explain why I physically _can't_ in very specific situations like this.. I appreciate the sympathy though ^^;


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## AkaiNikkichou (Sep 22, 2012)

Good news - I got into online English! I'm saved  Although I have to make up a month's worth of work... but hey, better than that hellhole of an English class.

Speaking of the class, I had already written the short story and it turned out to be four pages long and 1185 words... so even though I didn't really have to turn it in, I went before lunch and handed it to her anyway, along with the weekend homework, just to prove I was not, in fact, trying to "get out of the assignment." (Yeah, she really accused me of that and thought I was outright lying.) Justice has been served. I hope she feels terrible.


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## Vintage Roses (Jun 25, 2012)

AkaiNikkichou said:


> Good news - I got into online English! I'm saved  Although I have to make up a month's worth of work... but hey, better than that hellhole of an English class.
> 
> Speaking of the class, I had already written the short story and it turned out to be four pages long and 1185 words... so even though I didn't really have to turn it in, I went before lunch and handed it to her anyway, along with the weekend homework, just to prove I was not, in fact, trying to "get out of the assignment." (Yeah, she really accused me of that and thought I was outright lying.) Justice has been served. I hope she feels terrible.


Yay! I'm glad you got out of there 

By the way, I know exactly how you feel. In my Wellness and Nutrition class last year, my teacher made us get into groups (luckily I had 1 person I knew in that class so I wouldn't be alone) for this "Food Network" project. Basically, we had to get up in front of the class and prepare a meal like we were on a Food Network TV show. I asked my teacher if there was any way I could do something else instead, like a written assignment. But all she said was, "You're a Senior, you need to get used to speaking in front of the class." Ugh.

During me and my partner's presentation, I was *SO* nervous. When I get really nervous like that, usually I zone out. Like I get really lightheaded and can't remember a thing that happens during whatever I'm doing. However, I do remember looking down (basically the whole time) and preparing the dish. Then all of a sudden I hear an "OH MY GOSH" and a bunch of people start laughing. I later find out that I had unknowingly picked my nose in front of the class. It was so embarrassing. Luckily for me, it was near the end of the school year and I was about to graduate. Nobody would see my face again.


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## Yabiwaz (Sep 28, 2012)

I used to either refuse to go to school or to remain in school on days that I had to do any presentation work. I hated being in front of everyone because I'd get everything: sweats, blushing, stammering, muttering, faints, the whole ka-bang!

What my favourite English teacher told me to do though is to either really focus on just one person in the class who you like and don't mind talking to or to pretend to be your favourite performer.

To this day I still pretend that I'm Michael McIntyre even though I'm a girl and no matter how serious the topic is whenever I have to talk in front of a group of people (and I only started doing that 6 years ago).


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## Codex (May 11, 2012)

MAN this stuff is the worst. While I love writing, posting personal content for others to formally critique can be crippling. The critique on the caliber of writing is nothing I'm afraid of, but the sharing of personal information I wouldn't otherwise reveal. And when your assigned to write on a highly emotional or personal topic, what else can you write about in an honest way?


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

That sounds horrible , at least your out of it now. I dread presentations but I can usually manage them (I never had to read out one of my own essays though, doing that does make it sound really personal), if they were recorded I skipped though. Hopefully online education will go well for you, do you do all your courses online or just english?


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## einalem4321 (Sep 22, 2012)

Hey there.

The anxieties you feel are very legit and thank you for venting and allowing us to into this frustrating aspect of your life. If I might lend you some perspective as as an older student. First off, I'm a grad student in English/Creative Writing so I have experienced this type of scenario hundreds of times. Might I ask, I'm not sure if you're in high school or college, or if this particular English class was just a requirement you had to take. If you were planning on majoring in English, then I'd say that you have quite a road ahead of you. If not, I can give you some words of my own wisdom/experience.

As a person with deep anxieties which I still grapple with, even in the classroom, reading your work aloud to class is often a method that teachers will use because when you can hear your voice, and I mean really hear it. It aids in making you a better writer because you almost always catch the mistakes better when you read your work aloud than just reading to yourself. I guess the anguish for you was that you didn't want to be presented with it. But as I stated, the method is used to make you better as a writer--hey, maybe helps ease the tensions of anxiety. The more you get used to it, the more manageable it becomes. Please don't think I'm defending your teacher's actions or methods; I'm merely stating a scenario that I myself have been through many times.

I'm sorry to hear that it's gotten so bad that you wish to change classes to an online setting. Unless you don't plan on pursuing any types of English/humanities type of coursework, that probably would be best for you and I think that's perfectly fine. 

What I think would be awesome is if you wrote the best damned essay/short story you think you can. Excel everyone's expectations. Show that teacher that his/her negativity doesn't affect you. Then let's say you've written something so impactful, exciting, or memorable that really rings with you, and will probably ring with your classmates too because it's got every ounce of your feelings wrapped up in it, all the frustrations, worries, angers, whatever they may be, drawn up into a powerful piece. People will be in awe of you. Now who's got the last laugh?

I have done all of this. I am a quiet little bugger in class and when I do speak, I stutter, it's awkward, and frankly, I don't make any sense. Heck yeah I get frustrated about it. But once I've prepared my work, written the best darn thing I possibly could, then people see that and then stop looking at me so weird. Then they start looking at me like, wow, this girl's pretty interesting. 

Well, anyway, I've said a lot and hopefully some of it helped. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can soon find a way to ease your fears!


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