# I don't understand.



## ZCatman (Jan 9, 2018)

I've always been an outsider. Its who we were. The path my family chose was like that of collective outsiders looking on at the world but choosing to be no part of it. Sure they held jobs,they had friends and parents and even lovers. However they all collectively chose to be outside of this world as much as humanly possible. I was an outsider because they were. But then I became an outsider from them to. I've never been able to truly trust myself. I once had a dream and believed it was real. But it was so bad that my false reality ended up really hurting people. Unfortunately as I've started writing this there has been no chronological order, and I must warn you it might get further chaotic and without direct time frame but I guess someone will be able to see this forest through the trees. I have wronged others to my deepest regret, and I have also been wronged. When I was 5 another young boy my age wanted to play a dirty game called butt and penis. I can't tell you why at that moment I had no thoughts about what was going on, only that I was very willing to follow others without thinking very much about what I was doing. I think I do have a problem sometimes with not thinking, then again I also will try to analyze things into the ground. I can't really tell you who I am, but I can tell you things about me. Does that sound like an odd thing to say? So after having my first sexual experience I slowly gravitated towards adult things. In 3rd grade I would be out at recess helping the boys capture the girls. I thought it was cause this one boy liked a certain girl, but I also used the library sport mags for porn. Looking for sexy girls with big tits and skimpy outfits.to skip this as the graphic details is in no ones interests lets just say that while I haven't been physically intimate with anyone I have indulged in other things. But something I've found is that I can't seem to most of the time feel others love nor have that kind of interest in most people. I like the ones who have been abused and mistreated. Its as if even before they tell me who they are, I can smell it. I am drawn to them in uncanny ways. I have had crushes, I've been in love twice. But recently I wasn't in love. No love sounds to weak to describe it. I met this woman... Red hair, green eyes. A real spit fire. Sassy, sometimes a bit edgy. I can't quite put it into words, I just new that I felt in my bones like I had to have her. But I knew if I butted in to her relationship with her boyfriend to steal her away, then all I would know is that she could be stolen away. Knowing that would taint my trust in her, and with that trust some of that love that I could have had for her. Being around her made me stronger. I could endure anything if I could even just be in the same room as her. I cried many times over her. It wasn't until she was gone that I finally realized how bad it was. Her presence to me was like heroin, she made me have this energy to keep going and not stop, but at the same time it would hurt to be around her. I even found myself hating her. But when she was gone it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and my own mother told me with the teary eyes and a pained expression that she hated me. And this was still worse than that. It's so strange. I am currently certain that will never happen again. I've always been looked down upon and yet there have been few who thought I was "cool" or something like that. I've always studied and watched humans because I never understood them. Sometimes I wanted to know what they were thinking or feeling. Sometimes I wanted to know why the acted as they do and see if my actions could create certain outcomes, this is how I was a chameleon. Changing colours to blend in or become invisible but those two things were different. To blend in was to change my behavior to match those around me. To become invisible was to slowly sink out of their view till they no longer noticed me.to be like a ghost. I have stolen the way people laugh, I've used other people's words like they were mine. But I know, they think I'm weird. They think I'm stupid. They don't care what I have to say. And I have such limited interests that most people feel like all we talk about is the same thing over and over again. No one likes beating a dead horse. Even people who shared my interests eventually didn't want to talk to me about them. I like Stories. I used to like hearing the older people tell me their stories. I also like the fantasy and the adventure. I like knowing who people are.and what they are. Having depression always made me more alone. Like a wall that cut me off emotionally from everyone else. It's also part of half of all my dark personality traits. I'm a pessimist who strives harder to move forward. I see the pitfalls and the traps and don't let them get me. I only have one friend in the hole world. But I have lost many friends. I feel as though I'm at war with my parents. An ongoing battle that keeps the balance. While I'm constantly at war with myself. My depression is like a demon inside of me, I know it's trying to kill me. I feel as though I stare at my own death and feel comfort because I have chosen how I will die, and I've chosen not to let the Demon kill me. I once to calm myself imagined my own body out in front of me being impaled over and over. Thrusting long pipes through my own body. I'd even decide the angle were it would go in and were it would go out again. It was very calming.have you ever seen a lie hidden in a smile? I have. I've even lied a time or two. All these things... And many more have made me a loner. But has also left me as no one. I'm not real. I've even gone to places were I couldn't even recognize my own flesh as real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1life (Jan 8, 2018)

Yeah man stay strong bro im in your boat to bro i was and still is a outsider no one really likes me my family and friends all dislikes me for disorders i have from drugs that include psychosis,depression,anxiety i just learned on the way that everyone is not always meant to fit in theres plenty of people outthere just like us it really sucks bro and sorry u lost the love of your life i dont know how that feel i never been loved buy a woman before woman just dont like me im a loney piece of garbage that people love to laught at plus im a virgin yes i really am theres demons in people like us we been cursed and it sucks and as well as me i lost friends and family too and now i have no friends no gf no nothing i never had to many friends to begin with and my family always laught at me of how mental i am and how they think im gay because i dont leave the house it really does suck just stay strong please pray and keep a positive attitude i so much down i dont even care about woman no more for i never had one and never will its just not meant but im trying to make myself understand i will never fit in or have a gf so if u need to talk im here bro message me bro i just wish there was a separate world for people like us at lease we will understand one another


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## Serious Cat (Jan 11, 2018)

You need to learn the way of the paragraph my brother


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

Welcome to the forum, ZCatman.



ZCatman said:


> I once to calm myself imagined my own body out in front of me being impaled over and over.


I relate to this in particular.


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