# Why can't I make any friends?



## I Lurk Life (Oct 9, 2013)

I feel like no one wants to talk to me. I'd always see people chatting it up with people that they just met, but no one ever starts a conversation with me.

I've tried making small talk and socializing but it's like people are annoyed by my presence or something. Like, I'd introduce myself and ask someone what their major is. But then, they'd just give a two-word answer and look away.

Ex:
"Sup dude, what's your major?"
"Business..." (looks away)

This happens so much that I don't think it's a coincidence. I think I give off some loser vibe or something and no one wants anything to do with me.

I've been trying to make friends for 4 years, but I've been failing hard at it. Am I just socially screwed?


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## sundays (Jan 11, 2011)

i know exactly how you feel. im extremely weird and people dont want to associate with me. even people who seem friendly and approachable


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## Speak English (Dec 28, 2013)

I Lurk Life said:


> I feel like no one wants to talk to me.
> I've been trying to make friends for 4 years, but I've been failing hard at it. Am I just socially screwed?


Here are my two cents as an older person who went through what you're experiencing: Walk away from those who do not value you. If someone treats you with a two word reply, they don't want (or deserve) your continued attention. Find another person. Trust me on this point, there ARE people who will value you. The trick is finding them. Accept nothing less, it will only make you feel like you're currently feeling.


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## PoliticNerd (Dec 31, 2012)

Same problem here,but people just doesn't value other people who aren't exact like them ,that is society model . Maybe loneliness make us stronger in our spirit ,but always we are missing somebody and that is sad thing


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## Morumot (Sep 21, 2011)

If I knew the answer, I'd tell you. I absolutely suck at making friends myself. Maybe you come off as serious or stuck up?


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## Crispy Taco (Jan 22, 2014)

It really depends on how you "carry yourself". If you truly believe that you're worthless and you give off that impression, you're probably going to repel others from you. At the end of the day, you are your own worst critic. If you hold yourself in high regard and exude that through your body language, more and more people may see you as someone that they would like to get to know better. How about joining a few clubs/groups at your school or community to get to know people with the same interests?


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## Crispy Taco (Jan 22, 2014)

Crispy Taco said:


> It really depends on how you "carry yourself". If you truly believe that you're worthless and you give off that impression, you're probably going to repel others from you. At the end of the day, you are your own worst critic. *If you hold yourself in high regard and exude that through your body language, more and more people may see you as someone that they would like to get to know better. *How about joining a few clubs/groups at your school or community to get to know people with the same interests?


I should probably clarify this statement. I don't mean to tell you to act like a pompous asshat in public, but if you are confident in who you are then others won't care about your supposed "flaws". Like I said before, you are your own worst critic. If you don't care about your flaws, others won't either.


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## TheOwlParliament (Jan 26, 2014)

I have had SUCH a hard time making friends in college. I felt like as a freshman, once I got past the "Hi, where are you from? What's your major? etc. etc." I didn't know how to continue the conversation, and it seemed like others weren't interested in getting to know me. It's hard on the self-esteem, but you can't focus on thinking you're a loser. Maybe the majority of people at your school just aren't the kind of people you can easily mesh with. That's my case - I feel so out of place where I'm at, while everyone else knows each other, and even the university itself describes itself as a "family." Hah. Guess I'm the black sheep of the family or something

I know there are people out there that will want to get to know you. You just haven't met them yet. And yeah, four years is a long time to be searching for friends (I myself have been trying for three years) and it can get so, so discouraging. But I believe you just need to keep trying, man. Don't give up - keep putting yourself out there as best you can. It'll happen.


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## s0mebody (Mar 30, 2013)

Those people you've talked to are probably jerks. If you talked to me in school, we would be friends immediately. Im usually the shy type at school and no one talks to me. So I would appreciate it greatly if you talked to me.

There's nothing wrong with you but with the people you talked to. Just keep on doing what you're doing. You'll find those right people who will appreciate what you're doing.


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## mind0vermatter (Jan 29, 2014)

First off, you are not a loser. And there's no such thing as "loser vibe".
Second, I can relate. People seem to not want to talk to me.
I think it's because I give off signs that seem to them, that I don't like them or something (like body language, the tone of my voice and how I phrase my words) because those (above) can be affected by my anxiety and I can appear very timid.


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## TheOwlParliament (Jan 26, 2014)

mind0vermatter said:


> First off, you are not a loser. And there's no such thing as "loser vibe".
> Second, I can relate. People seem to not want to talk to me.
> I think it's because I give off signs that seem to them, that I don't like them or something (like body language, the tone of my voice and how I phrase my words) because those (above) can be affected by my anxiety and I can appear very timid.


This is golden^

I have always felt like people didn't want to talk to me - that there was _something_ about me that just repelled other people. Over time, I too have found that often others are easily put off by the signals given by anxious people in social situations. They'll assume you're stand-offish or rude, uninterested in them, etc. etc. But as mentioned, those signals are very intertwined with your SA. So focusing on your SA and what you can do to overcome it is the key to feeling comfortable around others, which can lead to...friendships!

If you're not seeing a good therapist ("good" meaning you are comfortable expressing your issues, and they are non-judgmental and supportive in giving advice) I would highly suggest it. The first one (or two, or three) may not be the therapist for you. I've had several that were giving me judgmental vibes as I told my story, and that was awful. But if that happens - you can't give up the search.

My current therapist is amazing. She's never judgmental - if in the previous session, we came up with a plan for me to come out of my shell more and I couldn't follow through on the plan - zero judgment. She'll talk me through what was going on in my head that prevented me from following through on the (above mentioned) plan. I can't tell you how helpful and life-changing she has been. I've had a lot of progress with basic social interactions, going to classes and interacting with classmates, and even friend making.

Best of luck to all who are struggling with this. Remember - you are not a loser, you are not unlikeable. SA can get in the way of people seeing who you really are.


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## dcaffeine (Oct 26, 2013)

I know how you feel man. It is harder to make friends in college.


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## guitarmatt (Aug 13, 2009)

that's how I feel at community college; though I don't always go out of my way to talk to people, when I do try I get the feeling I don't have much in common with anyone who goes there. I used to think my anxiety was the only thing preventing me from making friends, but now I'm noticing that its the other people too.


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## guitarmatt (Aug 13, 2009)

TheOwlParliament said:


> Maybe the majority of people at your school just aren't the kind of people you can easily mesh with. That's my case - I feel so out of place where I'm at, while everyone else knows each other, and even the university itself describes itself as a "family." Hah. Guess I'm the black sheep of the family or something


Though I've never easily meshed with people, I can definitely relate to this.


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

Speak English said:


> Here are my two cents as an older person who went through what you're experiencing: Walk away from those who do not value you. If someone treats you with a two word reply, they don't want (or deserve) your continued attention. Find another person. Trust me on this point, there ARE people who will value you. The trick is finding them. Accept nothing less, it will only make you feel like you're currently feeling.


Why would anyone value someone they don't know? I don't think people are bad or not deserving of my attention just because they respond with a two word reply. You have to do something to interest them first. I think attention from others is something that needs to be earned.


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## Mysteriouschic (May 3, 2013)

I'm the exact same , I was on a different course in college switched the next year to a new course but I started 3 weeks in and everyone has their friends. I hang with a group I don't know them a lot. I always have to talk to everyone first no one talks to me first unless I talk to them. I usually sit on my own when I'm late. I don't really have much in common with anyone so I don't usually have much to add to a conversation. It's 2nd semester I'm still not settled I may need to make more of an effort.


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## lindsayy (Feb 8, 2014)

I can totally relate! Sometimes I will try to talk to people in my classes but it will never go further then just asking them a question. I've never understood how people talk on the first day and then become friends for the rest of the semester because for me it's like they don't want to be my friend or something. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me or what. OR I'll make "class friends" but then they'll seem to get bored of me and that really hurts because I don't TRY to be boring, but sometimes I just have nothing to say, you know? I don't mind the silence but people think I hate them or something if I don't constantly talk to them. It really sucks.


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## lindsayy (Feb 8, 2014)

mind0vermatter said:


> First off, you are not a loser. And there's no such thing as "loser vibe".
> Second, I can relate. People seem to not want to talk to me.
> I think it's because I give off signs that seem to them, that I don't like them or something (like body language, the tone of my voice and how I phrase my words) because those (above) can be affected by my anxiety and I can appear very timid.


I couldn't agree more! There will be a lot of times when I'm in a completely good mood but then when I go to talk to someone, my voice comes out all neutral and disinterested. I really don't mean it to, I just can't explain why it happens. I guess I never really realized how that would all seem to someone without SA, they probably think I don't like them


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## licorice (Oct 5, 2013)

For conversations, these have often been successful:
1) Asking about some of the harder course concepts and how they're doing with them. I simplified something for someone over the weekend, so I can use that as a conversation starter next time.
2) Asking what brought them into the field.


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## VeMuñeca (Sep 5, 2013)

Maybe you come across as unapproachable? Maybe you sound sort of mean? 

I'm the opposite form you. Due to a terrible experience with friends and people, I kind of don't want to socialize with my classmates for now. No matter how mean I try to look it's like I'm a magnet to people and they always come to talk to me.


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## SadSelf (Jan 24, 2014)

I know you really feel bad, But i think you have to build up your self confidence , Self Esteemed first.


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## LaurLaur93 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have the same exact problem!


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I dont even have to make small talk people run with just the attitude I have like they dont want to talk to me. They end up leaving or crossing their arms. I know its not cold here Im sweating like a pig.


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