# Therapist-Client Relationship... Staying Genuine



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

This hasn't happened yet, but I'd like to raise this issue because it's one I've been thinking of as a potential problem over time.

The people I interact with seem to see a "different Adam" from person to person. I seem to be very keen at picking up other people's body language, sense of humor, interests, communication style, etc. Then, I notice suddenly (after extended interaction with a person) that I've almost got a distinct role I'm playing with them. It might be the humor used (or none used), it might be the riskiness of topics discussed, it might be how quietly or loudly I speak, it might be how much I smile and appear friendly, etc.

I think I'm doing this (automatically, without thinking) because I'm trying to reduce the odds of being rejected/shamed (concurrently while trying to enhance likelihood of approval). Since different people have different expectations of how people should behave, I think my behavior starts to adapt (sometimes dramatically, like at work vs. with family... I'm SOOOO different) to try to people-please across the board.

I don't want to do this with my therapist. It's hard to stop myself and say, "I'm not to do this with her. I don't have to pay attention to her body language and communication style and try to adjust my speech delivery, facial expressions, body posture, etc in order to maximize my perceived chances of approval."

Perhaps being aware of this is the best prevention, and perhaps I should just tell her about these precise concerns. The earlier I could reveal this, the better. I think if I waited too long, a custom-made Adam (aligned to this particular therapist) will "steal the show" so to speak.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Good idea. I plan on doing the same thing with my Schema Therapist (who I am not allowed to mention I have got  )I have been faking a bit too hard in therapy lately.

Time to take the dampers off :afr


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I was given another rude reminder of this phenomenon today. I spoke to my friend today that I talk to every week. I often don't like "who I am" when I talk to her (or how she seems to think I am). I'm very honest and open, but she's far too easy to remain distant from and distract with jokes. She doesn't come close to understanding me (she has a very fictional idea of who I am no matter how I try to distract her from this exaggerated image), even though she's very nice and perfectionistic in regards to not letting people down.

This might sound cruel, but I don't feel like she can keep up with me intellectually to the extent that I cannot possibly ever be truly open with my thoughts and expect to be understood. I'll often say things only to hear, "I'm not sure I follow that," and it's not as though I'm being cryptic. It's damaging to me, and it reinforces the idea that I cannot be empathized with or understood by anyone.

As easy as it is to talk with her (sometimes for hours), I can't get what I want despite the time spent. I want someone to understand me deeply and penetrate my psyche. I want someone who can keep up with me intellectually and relate and challenge me compassionately. 

She jokes about "marrying" me, and even though she's kidding, it makes me cringe. I've tried to light-heartedly joke that I'm not comfortable with that, but she doesn't seem to change this behavior. I don't fault her, because I think she can be somewhat scatterbrained and forgets about these concerns of mine. Then I start to think that I'm a jerk for not letting her joke as much as she wants. Maybe I'm tired of joking though. Maybe the entertaining clown has feelings that shouldn't be neglected anymore.

I perpetuate this behavior too by joking so much. People on social networking sites like Facebook rate me highly for "sense of humor," but they don't see it as what it occasionally ends up serving... the prevention of any sort of intimacy or closeness to others... I'm not necessarily referring to romance there, but just feeling connected to other people in a manner that isn't as sterile as the jester role.

Often times, if I don't feel like joking (I'm often not sad, just not in the mood to joke), people think there's something wrong. Why would I have to joke constantly for things to be all right?!

As far as therapy goes, I'm not worried about coming across as a jester. I don't feel pressure to entertain there. Instead, it's like I'm in an environment where I still feel resistance to expose feelings but don't have my main shield (distractions and comedy). I obviously can benefit with more practice, and I actually think I can manage to do this rather dramatically the more I see that this is the barrier. Once I can get a clear, tangible goal in mind, I am confident that I can go forward and "just do it." 

In this case, I'm going to remain painfully genuine in therapy, and that means I'm going to get upset. Bye bye resistance. Update will come Saturday.


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