# 2nd Session Update



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Warning: This is LOOOONG.

OK, I'm back from my second session. My eyes were totally bloodshot going in, and I was feeling ridiculously self-conscious about it for some silly reason. :afr 

The first thing she asked me was how I felt about the first session. She said it can feel really weird to open up to a stranger, but that I've done a good job so far (oh boy, approval, whew, my existence is validated). I told her I thought it was mainly a good introductory session or something. I then asked her what her approach/discipline was, and how I had read about CBT and schema therapy. She said that was "heady stuff" for me to be reading, and said she uses a mix of everything, varying greatly on the person she's treating. She also said it can take awhile for progress to happen, and how a lot of people think therapy should provide benefits in 5 sessions or it's hopeless.

She recommended that I start using a notepad to start tracking anything that comes up. I told her I'm already doing that, and I'll continue to do so. She told me to also pick up the book called "The Power of Intention" since I seem like the type who likes to read. I'm a bit skeptical about this book, but I'll read it anyway if only for the sake of discussion.

She directed me back to my job stresses, and emphasized my 10 months in a very stressful environment as quite an accomplishment. I didn't really feel like the talk was going anywhere though. I told her how I was more comfortable with my movie theater job over time, but that I'm more nervous at work than ever due to never knowing what I'm doing from day to day and lacking any camaraderie with coworkers. At the same time, I don't see myself leaving the job this year unless I'm laid off.

She told me that I seem like the kind of person who uses humor a lot, which is a very good solution to stressful situations. I told her humor was my most effective way to lighten my mood in a moment of stress.

She asked some off-the-wall questions at times, like... "Tell me something you really, really, really loved." What?? She said it could be anything, a teddy bear, a dog, etc. I was stumped with that one, and I just ended up telling her I don't know, and that maybe my family counts (even though I'd never say I "love" them). 

She asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship, and I told her I can't imagine that happening (ugh). She asked if it's been a long time since my last relationship, and I told her I've never been in one. I told her I couldn't imagine always having somebody there, and how there's rejection involved, and how there's obligations and roles to play, etc. I told her how I can't imagine someone liking me in a romantic way either, so it's natural for the feelings to just go away with all these factors swirling around in my mind if the topic is raised. I told her I'm too strange, but I didn't add that I find myself to be downright physically unattractive to the vast majority of females.

So she said that's fine if I don't want to be in a relationship, but asked if I've ever had such feelings in the past. I told her I did in the past (ugh, so embarrassing to say that to a person but I forced myself), but that I don't even notice those feelings anymore. She wanted me to talk about someone I might have liked in the past, and what happened with that. I was getting enormously uncomfortable though... I somehow managed to talk about the crush I had when I worked at the movie theater nearly 10 years ago. I didn't tell the girl about my feelings. She asked why I never told her, and I told the therapist that I knew the likely response and didn't want to make things awkward. She tried to emphasize that I didn't know what her response would be, but I clarified that it was a probabilistic calculation rather than absolute knowledge of what she would think. Not knowing with 100% certainty doesn't negate any sense I have of what someone thinks of me on a "most likely" basis. 

She asked me if I regretted my decision, and I explained how I didn't regret it at all, even though it crushed me when she left for college. I told the therapist I'd rather face a known cost (someone I have a crush on leaves my life) than risk experiencing an even worse cost (rejected by someone I deeply care about). I then joked that I do a favor to everyone by not sharing my feelings for them. She laughed and then joked back with me, saying, "Yeah, because you're unlikeable after all."

Things got interesting when talking about my family. She asked if I really loved my family, and I said I like to be around them and get along well with them, but we're not that emotionally close (not a "huggy" family). I told her how we basically bond through joking around. She asked me what I thought about my dad and mom, one at a time.

I explained how my dad seemed wrapped up with my mom more than the kids (not that we were neglected or disliked in any way). I said how he's pretty introverted and wasn't very affectionate with us (saying he loves us, etc). I told her how my mom had some shifting moods at times growing up, and that it was very upsetting to me because I'd take some level of responsibility for her negative moods, like I was disappointing her in some way for not being able to lift her mood.

I told her about the painting I made for my mom (it actually said "I love you Mommy" with stick figures of the both of us, but I didn't share that part) when she was upset, and that my mom just told me she wasn't upset at me and remained upset. I told the therapist I basically felt like I failed to cheer her up, (my love is not enough to make her happy). I went on and on about my mom in fact, and all her unpredictable mood swings that were never contextualized for us so that we'd know WHY she was so damn upset. Feeling all the pressure to walk on eggshells and not disappoint/upset her was so incredibly awful.

The therapist said it would make sense for me to have shut down all those feelings after regularly facing such a situation that was very scary for me.

Throughout the whole session, I felt like I was practically on the edge of crying, even though I wasn't feeling particularly upset. Something about sharing information about myself for an extended period of time just seems to strangely do that to me, at least in person. It was such a weird feeling. I was joking at times too, so I was in a decent mood.

OK, you win an award if you read all of this.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Nicely describes as always. It feel like watching a movie or something.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

What do i win?

She sounds like another eclectic to me - if she wants to mix things up and felt schema and CBt were heady. Not sure about the Power of Intention .. but hey ....

Its good you could talk though. It may be that this is going to be enough to help that emotional inhibition. Feeling those emotions is gooood  She MIGHT be doing client centred counselling - or Rogerian - therapy. Ask Gerard. He wont speak to me for some reason (ya hear that?? SPEAK TO ME :spank ) but he seems to be the expert on it, give him a shout.

Ardie "Emotional" SAS


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Awards:


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

OHHHHH HOLY CRAAAAAP

I need SUGAR / ALCOHOL / OTHER ADDICITVE THINGS

*NARG!!! Release me cruel Impulsivity schema!!!!!!*


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Yes. Damn, those do look good... I wonder if there are any bakeries near here...


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Thanks Ardrum for the summary. It really is helpful.

That experience of failing or being made to feel we failed, in our attempt at "Cheering up Mommy" as young boys is really powerful and prevalent. I think it's good to shine light on that and see it for what it is. It really has no ACTUAL effect on our real ablity to satisfy a woman as an adult. Our mothers probably would have rejected ANYONE who was trying to cheer them up. My Mom didn't feel comfortable relating her emotions honestly to her husband/my dad, so she "took it out on me". It really is abusive on the part of our mothers if you think about it. But, since "most mothers are saints" it's hard to speak our truth against that social construct. But it is helpful to say, "Hey Mom, I'm not responsible for your emotions and you screwed up by making me feel so". And then work to forgive and see it for the facade it is. We are not failing little boys anymore. We know we want a healthy, communicative relationship. But we have to have our eyes open and realize our emotional blind spots and not let them guide us. It just takes some time to identify the leftover (schemas) childhood residue for what it is.

Thanks again I do appreciate you sharing it.


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## Cake (Jan 9, 2008)

hey ardrum, i read all of that too so if there's any cookies left........

i don't know if you've ever seen the movie Garden State but there's a scene in it where Zach Braff is explaining his relationship with his mother+it was exactly like the one you described. he talks about how she was always upset+never smiled and how he always tried to cheer her up but could NEVER get her to smile.

you said you were on the edge of crying which is cool to me because i felt the same thing when i went to therapy(only went a total of 3-4 times but still felt like crying a lot). i never thought i would cry but i always got emotional when i talked about my past.

that's great though man i'm glad you went. this kind of thing can be a big help


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

OMG I tried to make my mum and sister laugh too when they were sad


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I think it just would make me feel like my love/affection was not enough, or inadequate, to make someone happy. I kind of felt thwarted, or even rejected. 

I never knew why she was upset, and so it was like this big mystery.... am I doing enough to keep her happy? Have I done all my homework? Have I done all that's asked of me? 

If we talked at the dinner table to try to cheer her up, it would be ignored or would have virtually no effect. 

Like what FairleighCalm has said though, we don't have to "cheer up Mommy" anymore. It wasn't our fault for their being upset, and it wasn't our responsibility for cheering them up. We wanted to for the goodness that we possess, but it wasn't a requirement of us, even if it felt like it at the time.

I feel empathy for that little kid, and I'd tell him that he's such a loving boy for caring for her like that.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Rambo says "I love group therapy"


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

:lol

Best siggy ever.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

ARDrum,

I saw some things there. Yep, I read the whole thing.
Overcoming SA can be very individualized. Don't be surprised if there are parts of multiple techniques. 

The girl at the movie theater. You tried to think for her without really knowing what she would say. That's what SAers do...a lot. We assume things about other people to block them off before they can get to us. It's sad. I am trying to break this.

Self-deprecation. Yep, I've got it. It's like Personality Dysmorphic Disorder. I don't see myself the way others see me. Dude, you can be quite hilarious Swiffer "Risky Business" Man. If you can put that together with the ability to meet people, through trial and error, you can make new connections. Let other (real life) people get to know the way we have.

Oh, and the sharing causing the near tears - expect it. You're healing .


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I think you're right, millenniumman75. I'm taking on my social isolation schema head on, rather aggressively now. It's going super well so far too. The experience has been very rich so far, of course, but I'm taking the challenges in stride and using what I've learned over the past year to my advantage.


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## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

I won't lie, I skimmed. But I will probably read the whole thing later if I haven't over-medicated myself because OMG I HAVE THERAPY TODAY HELP.

I'm in the middle of making a list of things to bring up so I don't forget.

And then, again, if I'm still not ready to collapse, I will post about my experience.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Yay for updates!!!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

ardrum said:


> :lol
> 
> Best siggy ever.


Heh


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