# I opened up to my new therapist, and now I feel miserable



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

So I had a therapist session today. She's not exactly new, this is about the 8th or 9th time I've seen her...but it's the first time I went deeply into what is troubling me.

I have issues with my appearance. In high school, I was bullied and called names, and for years I had an obsession with plastic surgery. The one time I attempted suicide was over insecurities related to dating and my appearance. I also feel terrible for feeling this way, because in many ways I am blessed and shouldn't be complaining.

I am turning 30 in two months, and I am insecure over being that old and still being a kissless virgin who has never been on a date. I know people here have told me that I worry about this too much...but I google "30 year old virgin" daily now, it seems, and look at posts other guys have made and female responses to it. It isn't encouraging. It makes me just want to be celibate for life (didn't say that to my therapist, who is a woman, but I would have said it if it were my old therapist.)

She is pushing me to online date, and I don't know if I'm comfortable with it. She did say I have a good profile, but I don't know if I will feel comfortable going on a date. What will I talk about? Not having a job? Living at home? Having kids in the house that are my sister's? Not driving, and not having a car? Being in college, and just beginning my program, instead of finishing? Having social anxiety, panic attacks, and depression?

I dread the idea of having to answer "so, when was the last time you dated?" I get asked that question, although not in many years, and each time it's handled much worse by me. I can't imagine staring across a table from a pretty girl, and being faced with that question. It is humiliating. 

I played my therapist a song that I wrote a few years ago, which expressed my feelings well. I think it made her understand, because I think she thought I was just pulling her leg before that. Either way, it was a very uncomfortable therapy session, and even though I am not considering suicide, she seemed to think I was, and wanted me to come back as soon as possible. :um


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

Instead of thinking of the negatives, think of the blessings you stated you had. You don't have to date the prettiest girls when you do online dating. Find some that are fairly good lookign to you and have things in common. it will make the ice breaking so much more easier. Don't think of your therapy session as horrible. She is just trying to help you and in your case, opening up to her and playing your song to her probably made her understand you more and be able to help you on a personal level! Lastly, don't think about not having this and that, but more on how you can obtain those things. Thinking in a motivated way on how to get those will help you get out and pursue life issues a little more. From your posts, I think you are a pretty intelligent and kind person. Just need to rustle a little of that insecurity out and focus on the blessings you have in your life and the positive aspects of your personality!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Thanks Trcy. 

I definitely do like this therapist, and I know she cares about me and likes me as well. We've developed a personal bond, as well as a therapist and client can. I definitely know she's looking out for my best interests.

What makes me feel terrible is that I showed the worst side of me today. That's what I don't like. It makes me feel shallow to think that the only reason a girl would be attracted to me is if she found me good looking...yet, I can't still help thinking that way.

And I want to find someone who's pretty for me. No, she doesn't have to be a supermodel, geeky girls are the best, but she has to be somewhat attractive to me. 

My therapist did say that my music will open a gate for me, and create something to talk about. I never thought about it that way. I am passionate about the songs I write, but I've never really written them for a girl...or for anybody else, really, except myself. If that sounds shallow, too, so be it, but music has always been an extension of me, not something I do to impress people (although I do appreciate compliments when I bring it up and people like the music.)


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

Anytime man, and yeah, music is a greta avenue for discussiona nd finding things in common with people. Music is something that everyone loves. I don't think you are shallow at all, I just think you kind of struggle opening up and sharing with other people. (Whether it be music or opinions) Hopefully that allc hanges soon though. In the scheme of things, you are 30, probably a third of the way through your life. Plenty of time to change things, and things can change fast so be prepared!


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

aren't you a guy though? :sus


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm a guy. 

I am a fan of Christina Aguilera's music. Her and Michael Jackson are my two favorite mainstream pop stars. 

I have no shame in this.

If you are asking if I am a guy, because I am insecure about my looks...guys can be insecure about their looks. Just look at all the "Am I ugly?" threads on here for emphasis.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> I'm a guy.
> 
> I am a fan of Christina Aguilera's music. Her and Michael Jackson are my two favorite mainstream pop stars.
> 
> ...


no, it was just a joke about the thread title. Apparently nobody got it. 

FAIL.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Twelve Keyz said:


> no, it was just a joke about the thread title. Apparently nobody got it.
> 
> FAIL.


Oh, now I get it.

That is awful, dude. LOL!


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## centrino (Sep 27, 2010)

What you did at therapy was real life venting and that is a good way of letting negative feelings out. Your therapist now understands you better and may give you a more accurate advice.

About dating online...I have the same insecurities as you...but the least we must do is to try. Trcy has a good point.

I wish you the best.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> Oh, now I get it.
> 
> That is awful, dude. LOL!


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

I think online dating is probably more intimidating than real life situations. To me, if someone sees me in real life and is interested, they know what they are getting. If it's online, the idea of meeting someone offline and being judged scares the crap out of me. But if you want to try online dating, just talk about all the things that are good in your life, or the things you like. Don't focus on the negative feelings you have. Talk about your passions (seems like music), your favorite sports teams, your favorite places to travel, your favorite band, things like that. Don't worry about the "dating" topic. I don't think anyone has ever asked me that question. But if they do, just shrug it off and say you haven't been involved in anything serious. If a relationship progresses enough to the point of sex, if a girl isn't accepting of you then she isn't worth dating. Seriously. And for the record, starting college in your late twenties is nothing to be ashamed of. It's impressive, always. Keep your chin up.


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

Twelve Keyz said:


> no, it was just a joke about the thread title. Apparently nobody got it.
> 
> FAIL.


+100 life points.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

missamanda said:


> I think online dating is probably more intimidating than real life situations. To me, if someone sees me in real life and is interested, they know what they are getting. If it's online, the idea of meeting someone offline and being judged scares the crap out of me. But if you want to try online dating, just talk about all the things that are good in your life, or the things you like. Don't focus on the negative feelings you have. Talk about your passions (seems like music), your favorite sports teams, your favorite places to travel, your favorite band, things like that. Don't worry about the "dating" topic. I don't think anyone has ever asked me that question. But if they do, just shrug it off and say you haven't been involved in anything serious. If a relationship progresses enough to the point of sex, if a girl isn't accepting of you then she isn't worth dating. Seriously. And for the record, starting college in your late twenties is nothing to be ashamed of. It's impressive, always. Keep your chin up.


That's exactly my problem.

I have thought about trying a geek dating site. The problem with those, though, is that the number of geeky males greatly outnumber the number of geeky females...because geeky females typically don't have to look online for dates. Some men have a geek fetish.

All of my interests, though, lie in progressive rock, sci fi, comic books, video games, horror and sci fi movies, and computers. I don't see the typical girl going after a guy like that, no matter how good looking I am or aren't, or how good I play the guitar. I know many other geeky males that have the same issue. It's no wonder that the major I am in has the single most...single...males (computer programming.)

Yet, I still long to find my nerdess!


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

WintersTale said:


> That's exactly my problem.
> 
> I have thought about trying a geek dating site. The problem with those, though, is that the number of geeky males greatly outnumber the number of geeky females...because geeky females typically don't have to look online for dates. Some men have a geek fetish.
> 
> ...


There are geeky dating sites? I'm interested, ha. And there's nothing wrong with your interests. Basically every dude I know has the same interests, add in sports. I think you'd be surprised by what girls mind and don't mind. The hard thing is just figuring out which ones aren't complete superficial idiots, much like girls have to figure out with boys.


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## niacin (May 26, 2012)

Honestly, on your first date, make something up. Say your last date was 4 months ago. You're not weird. You are just like any other guy. A lot of people have social anxiety and panic attacks. It actually helps me to look around and think, "I bet at least one of these people has social anxiety". Dip your toes in the water. You don't need to aim for "wife material" or whatever you men like to call it ;P If you meet a nice lady and you like her personality, taste in literature, boobies, smile, or whatever, ask her out for coffee some time. Lie to her and say that your last date was X months ago and make up a backstory about it at home. Just don't share it unless she really pressures you. She just wants to know when your last date was. If you act casual about it and say "we decided it was best to remain friends only" or something, she will feel flattered/superior (sad yeah) that she is the one you are interested in, and not that other girl.

If it is only one date, two week fling, or month long thing, who cares? I mean don't use the girl, just keep it casual. Then you really can say you have dated. You are still young. Use this time to figure out what you like in women (deep personal stuff aside, I'm talking about sex stuff and physical turn-ons) and get your confidence up.

When you stop worrying about that stuff, you will be able to focus on finding the "right" person for you.


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## JGreenwood (Jan 28, 2011)

Solution: find a chick that's just as insecure as you and bang it out together.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

niacin said:


> Honestly, on your first date, make something up. Say your last date was 4 months ago. You're not weird. You are just like any other guy. A lot of people have social anxiety and panic attacks. It actually helps me to look around and think, "I bet at least one of these people has social anxiety". Dip your toes in the water. You don't need to aim for "wife material" or whatever you men like to call it ;P If you meet a nice lady and you like her personality, taste in literature, boobies, smile, or whatever, ask her out for coffee some time. Lie to her and say that your last date was X months ago and make up a backstory about it at home. Just don't share it unless she really pressures you. She just wants to know when your last date was. If you act casual about it and say "we decided it was best to remain friends only" or something, she will feel flattered/superior (sad yeah) that she is the one you are interested in, and not that other girl.
> 
> If it is only one date, two week fling, or month long thing, who cares? I mean don't use the girl, just keep it casual. Then you really can say you have dated. You are still young. Use this time to figure out what you like in women (deep personal stuff aside, I'm talking about sex stuff and physical turn-ons) and get your confidence up.
> 
> When you stop worrying about that stuff, you will be able to focus on finding the "right" person for you.


I don't agree with lying about yourself. Never having been on a date is a red flag, but everyone's got red flags. Put your best foot forward, be genuine, and fake confidence.

I also agree with finding an insecure chick. Just don't get sucked in if she's too messed up, since you're only testing the waters to start, and looking for experience.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I'm sure some on here will disagree with me - but in my opinion,you REALLY need to learn to drive!! I've read A LOT of your threads/posts and can sense your obvious pain. Driving will make you feel more mature and capable,give you A LOT more freedom and choices. Obviously,it not a cure-all by ANY means but is a HUGE step in the right direction. You will come across as more of an adult to females - I'd say in many cases (no,not all) but MANY its a big red flag when a 29 year old can't drive!


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Being able to drive goes a long way, esp here in the US.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It actually wasn't that big of a deal, when I lived in an area where I could take the bus. I don't think it's that much of a turnoff, except the fact that I can't go anywhere living in a small neighborhood like I do now. It would be different if I were in the city, like I used to be.

People will dislike me for a number of reasons. I'm sure there are tons of things that would turn me off, to different people...as my therapist said. Me being a musician would be a turnoff to someone. Me working on computers would be a turnoff to someone. Me having a beer belly would be a turnoff to someone.

But some of those things would be a turn on, and some women wouldn't even care.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

WintersTale said:


> It actually wasn't that big of a deal, when I lived in an area where I could take the bus. I don't think it's that much of a turnoff, except the fact that I can't go anywhere living in a small neighborhood like I do now. It would be different if I were in the city, like I used to be.
> 
> People will dislike me for a number of reasons. I'm sure there are tons of things that would turn me off, to different people...as my therapist said. Me being a musician would be a turnoff to someone. Me working on computers would be a turnoff to someone. Me having a beer belly would be a turnoff to someone.
> 
> But some of those things would be a turn on, and some women wouldn't even care.


I hope you weren't living in Cincinnati when you had to take the bus. Public transportation sucks here.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

srschirm said:


> I hope you weren't living in Cincinnati when you had to take the bus. Public transportation sucks here.


Yes I was.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I promise you to most women it screams - immaturity-it's a big deal -The exception being if you have a medical condition that prevents getting a license or if you live somewhere (like New York) where it's super common to not have a license/car. I'm thinking that isn't the case with Ohio?? From a woman's perspective it says-dependent,frightened,clinging to childhood. Why wouldn't you at least consider it? It would also REALLY boost your confidence level. 
I was really scared of driving,if I can do it,trust me,you can do it!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Do you agree I should lie about it, then, until I get a driver's license?


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## Penny (Mar 2, 2012)

> What makes me feel terrible is that I showed the worst side of me today. That's what I don't like.


Isn't it ironic that the session a therapist may think is the best one yet is the same session the seeker thinks went terribly wrong? Revealing your self is the essence of therapy. However, after such a session, it's pretty common to feel remorse - after all, you live with a critical internal self. Congratulations on taking the risk and being honest! We all have our dark side - in a way that makes us whole. Let your therapist experience the real you and your progress will improve.

Take care,


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

So if you do go on a date how do you plan on getting there? How do you go shopping and stuff now?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

There is no denying that I need to get my license. But it is tied to anxiety and stuff, so you have to understand. 

If someone would be willing to date me despite my SA disorder, they probably would be open to a temporarily incident of me not having my license.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Learning to drive would certainly help. But I can't say I would write a woman off if she didn't drive. I was in love with a girl a few years back who didn't (and still doesn't).

But yeah...I'm glad you're going to therapy. That's more than I can say right now. I can't find a woman to save my life, either.


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## daniz023 (May 29, 2012)

My two cents: 

First, your therapy session sounds like a success, even if you didn't like the side of yourself that came out. As someone who's terrified of therapy, my hat is off to you.

Regarding dating, I don't think a lot of the interests you mentioned would be a turn-off to girls -- progressive rock, horror movies, etc. seem like pretty common things. And you'll likely get major points for playing music. Musicians are hot! 

As for driving, I know nothing about Cinci, but if there is good (any?) public transport maybe it's not that big of a deal. If you find it is limiting your life/where you're able to go, etc., then i agree with the others that you should seriously consider getting your license. It may be tough but it will be worth it. (Coming from someone who failed their road test 4 times - can't parallel park to save my life )

Best of luck to you -- you seem to be on the right path!!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Thanks Daniz.

It does limit my mobility, because I can't just up and leave if I want to. I share the house with three other adults, and I am the only one who doesn't drive.

I am not really worried about that, except that it would be a temporary problem, if I were to date right now. That is why I hide my POF profile; that and a terrible shame at being almost 30 and being inexperienced. If I could find someone who accepted me as I am, and looked at me as being someone who hasn't been completely cooked yet, then I would be fine with my situation.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

missamanda said:


> just talk about all the things that are good in your life, or the things you like. Talk about your passions (seems like music), your favorite sports teams, your favorite places to travel, your favorite band, things like that.


What is good in my life? Nothing comes to mind.
What are my passions? Nothing.
Favourite sports? I hate sports.
Favourite place to travel. I don't travel. And I hate trips.
My favourate band. I don't really listen to music.

I do nothing.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> It actually wasn't that big of a deal, when I lived in an area where I could take the bus. I don't think it's that much of a turnoff, except the fact that I can't go anywhere living in a small neighborhood like I do now. It would be different if I were in the city, like I used to be.
> 
> People will dislike me for a number of reasons. I'm sure there are tons of things that would turn me off, to different people...as my therapist said. Me being a musician would be a turnoff to someone. Me working on computers would be a turnoff to someone. Me having a beer belly would be a turnoff to someone.
> 
> But some of those things would be a turn on, and some women wouldn't even care.


The things you see as negative some women might see it as kind of cute. It might arouse in them their instinct to mother and might decide to take you home and nurture you back to mental health with lots of wonderful, exhausting sex.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> There is no denying that I need to get my license. But it is tied to anxiety and stuff, so you have to understand.
> 
> If someone would be willing to date me despite my SA disorder, they probably would be open to a temporarily incident of me not having my license.


We understand completely. The problem is how a lot of other people without anxiety will not understand properly.


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

jimity said:


> What is good in my life? Nothing comes to mind.
> What are my passions? Nothing.
> Favourite sports? I hate sports.
> Favourite place to travel. I don't travel. And I hate trips.
> ...


I'm sorry you feel this way about your life. You're alive, you're unique, and you're clearly passionate about not liking anything. Does that count?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

WintersTale said:


> So I had a therapist session today. She's not exactly new, this is about the 8th or 9th time I've seen her...but it's the first time I went deeply into what is troubling me.
> 
> I have issues with my appearance. In high school, I was bullied and called names, and for years I had an obsession with plastic surgery. The one time I attempted suicide was over insecurities related to dating and my appearance. I also feel terrible for feeling this way, because in many ways I am blessed and shouldn't be complaining.
> 
> ...


This is actually a breakthrough, not a setback. She wants to make sure you are okay. This will be your chance to work through the real issues.

Work through one thing at a time - Romes wasn't built in a day!


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