# Do Your Parents Know The Damage They've Done?



## melancholyscorpio (Aug 14, 2015)

My dad have apologised to me every now and then, but I don't think he understands the damage he has done to me through his indifference.

I am a tense and anxious person. I am anxious around males and don't trust them.

I feel worthless. My feeling of worthlessness is exacerbated seeing him being so supportive of my cousins. Being happy around them and talkative with them.

He is so awkward around me. He doesn't ask what's going on with me. I understand that I can't speak to him normally, but it is because of him.

He doesn't care where I go or what time I come home.

I feel anxious whenever my mum asks me anything personal when he is around, because he can hear but doesn't care.

I constantly feel miserable. Seeing children with fathers who takes an interest in them and happy to be with their children is a trigger for me. I feel emotional and would often cry when I watch shows about family.

I should move out for my mental health.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Nope. And they never will. But to be fair, most parents are not perfect. For this reason, they will not know, never know and will be in denial of their flaws and their damage. And with actual very bad parents or abusive ones, they definitely will not know, and be in denial.

In reality, one should just move on and take steps to get away from toxic parents or any toxic presence in their life. Spending time and energy to seek justice and acknowledgement from toxic people for their toxicity for the most part will just be in vain. Toxic people are unlikely to acknowledge their own toxicity, which are what makes them toxic to begin with.


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## Myosr (Apr 8, 2016)

I've probably used/abused my parents as an adult as much as they abused me as a child. So it's kind of a mixed feeling, like a strong feeling of guilt mixed with an equal amount of anger. 

I'm so dysfunctional though, I'm not sure if I should think of it this way. Like I feel like I can't not be dependent on them in some way. And they would force it on me even if I managed to "reject their support".


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Funny thing about that. I think (in my particular case) that there really wasn't much they could have done right once I was born. Although my mother (in particular) certainly didn't help matters (I think maybe she tried in her own very limited and myopic, self-centered, delusional way), the fundamental problem with their parenting started and ended with their choice to reproduce in the first place. When people who know they shouldn't do anyway, they are proving they don't know (or possibly don't care) how much damage they could potentially be doing. 

I can't really say one way or another if my life would be any better right now if they had done anything else differently AFTER I was born. I can just say (definitively) that my entire existence is a colossal mistake.

I think that (now, almost 50 years later) both of them have an inkling of what an idiotic idea it was for the two of them to reproduce but at the same time, it is something they would never consciously admit.


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## Memories of Silence (May 15, 2015)

I don’t think it’s fair for people to always blame their parents for things. A person who has good parents and had a good upbringing can still have social anxiety or other problems.


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## Unforgiven17 (Apr 15, 2016)

I don't know of your history with your parents. I can say that even people with the perfect upbringings can suffer with social anxiety and other issues.

It sounds like a two way problem - you are uncomfortable around your dad and he you. The longer this goes on the worse it gets to the point where its nearly impossible to change.

I suppose it depends on whether you feel there is anything to salvage but I think you do have to be prepared to see things from their point of view too - like I said, I don't know your history so it's difficult for me to comment on whether this is acheiveable.

Personally, my dad has always been a functioning alcoholic, I have seen him in 20 years and the last time I did - he didn't recognise me (at my grandma's funeral).

My relationship with my mum has been turbulent to say the least. She broke her neck about 15 years ago and this was the best thing that could have happened for our relationship - gave her time to prioritise her life and realise that she had treated me quite poorly (emotionally). It was only as a 30 year adult I realised what she had been through - abuse, alcoholism with my father etc... As a kid I hated her, didn't understand why she was so emotionally neglectful, as an adult I have made my peace with it and this has allowed us both to move on. She apologised too.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

It's never occurred to me to blame someone else for my own shortcomings or weaknesses. I'd like to think I'm a little bit better than that - even though I know I'm not a strong man and I have a lot of shortcomings.

My parents wanted nothing but good things for me and they did their best. To blame them for things that couldn't do would be unfair - and besides, I know how hard parenting is - I've done it myself.

[Staff Edit]

Not necessarily pointed at you OP, our situations are all unique and complicated in their own way - but as you say, maybe you should move out.


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## alwaysrunning (Sep 7, 2019)

If I felt how you are feeling it would be too painful for me to live in the same place. I was wondering if your dad is like that with your cousin's just because he doesn't see them often.


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## melancholyscorpio (Aug 14, 2015)

I know how fortunate I am because my dad could have been an alcoholic & abusive. And he is aware enough to apologise for his ways.

I understand that my parents have done their best. And they have hurt from their childhood that they struggle with.

I just get really frustrated sometimes. I'm jealous of people who can talk & joke with their dads.

I am an adult and I have the ability to move out. I know I have myself to blame for choosing to not move out because I want to save money.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Memories of Silence said:


> I don’t think it’s fair for people to always blame their parents for things. A person who has good parents and had a good upbringing can still have social anxiety or other problems.





harrison said:


> It's never occurred to me to blame someone else for my own shortcomings or weaknesses. I'd like to think I'm a little bit better than that - even though I know I'm not a strong man and I have a lot of shortcomings.
> 
> My parents wanted nothing but good things for me and they did their best. To blame them for things that couldn't do would be unfair - and besides, I know how hard parenting is - I've done it myself.
> 
> ...


I agree with these statements to an extend. And I know there no ill intent saying them. Although be mindful that there are those who indeed are affected a large part by bad and abusive parents, which I read is how OP is feeling here. So there should be openness to empathize with the other side of this as well. 🙂 Especially since I didn't read OP ever expressing they're blaming their parents for everything. In this regard, these statements would be considered classic victim blaming on based on your own individual perspectives and your own experiences and neglectful of that of OP's, something one should be mindful and be careful with. For people feeling abused, statements like these can be quite hurtful to them.


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## zonebox (Oct 22, 2012)

I think I have done more damage to my poor parents than they have done to me.


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## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

I have the opposite kind of relationship with my parents. Or I used to at least when I was younger and still living at home. I always felt suffocated by them and wanted to be out on my own. I would often reject much of their affection. I would avoid them and not want to talk to them about anything, certainly not anything important or personal. I always felt that I was on such a different wavelength from them that I had to hide everything from them. I was actually envious of people who only had one parent or whose parents didn't give a **** about them. I hated being a part of a family and wanted out. I didn't hate my parents as people or anything but I hated the situation because I was just desperate to be out on my own and was feeling smothered.

I know this seems really strange and maybe a bit mean but I've never understood how anyone could like their parents or desire their affection or approval. I've always seen my parents as obstacles to what I wanted to do with my life, like a ball and chain. I do appreciate the things my parents have done for me in my life but honestly I was ready to be on my own at age 13 or 14 and so that created a lot of conflict with them I think.



zonebox said:


> I think I have done more damage to my poor parents than they have done to me.


Yep, this 100%.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

melancholyscorpio said:


> My dad have apologised to me every now and then, but I don't think he understands the damage he has done to me through his indifference.
> 
> I am a tense and anxious person. I am anxious around males and don't trust them.
> 
> ...


It's impossible for any of us here to know exactly what's going on in your family OP - families and family dynamics are incredibly complicated. The dynamics of how two people interact is actually very complicated in itself, without taking into account all the extra emotions between kids and their parents.

I think you've described in the past your difficulty with people at your workplace? I'm sure many of us here would be able to relate to that - so please don't think I'm trying to have a go at you. I'm not. I'm simply pointing out that our own awkwardness is very often something that other people find very difficult to deal with. And even worse - it can often make them feel very awkward in turn - then the whole relationship and situation just spirals from there.

I'm sorry you and your Dad are in this situation. It must be very uncomfortable. (for both of you) And if I've read this situation incorrectly I of course apologise.


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## Memories of Silence (May 15, 2015)

Blue Dino said:


> I agree with these statements to an extend. And I know there no ill intent saying them. Although be mindful that there are those who indeed are affected a large part by bad and abusive parents, which I read is how OP is feeling here. So there should be openness to empathize with the other side of this as well. 🙂 Especially since I didn't read OP ever expressing they're blaming their parents for everything. In this regard, these statements would be considered classic victim blaming on based on your own individual perspectives and your own experiences and neglectful of that of OP's, something one should be mindful and be careful with. For people feeling abused, statements like these can be quite hurtful to them.


My post wasn’t meant to be victim blaming, and I do empathise with people who have bad and abusive parents. The thread title made me think _good_ parents were unfairly being blamed for things they had no control over. I understand why _bad_ parents would be blamed - I never realised how many there were until I joined SAS, and it is sad. 

It can feel like most people (everywhere, and not only on SAS) assume that if someone has mental health issues, it must be the parents‘ fault, and I was only saying that it isn’t true in all cases because there are multiple things that can cause it. While there are a lot of bad parents, there are good parents as well, but a lot of people seem to forget that.


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think my parents are aware. They'll deny ever doing some of the things that I feel had a direct impact on my communication and interaction with people. I don't hold it over them though. It is what it is. You just never know what types of things will stay with a person.


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## Lauralyn (Jun 21, 2021)

I would rather they not know I don't go around talking about things either because I don't like hurting people s feelings and stuff gets around. If I said anything to make my mom know how stuff going on affected me I would feel really guilty about anyway shes not a bad a person. I was also at the point where I was capable of having a good relationship with her since a lot of my health problems are better and it hurts my feelings when I get treated like I'm crazy when I'm going through things and she doesn't also she is putting my health in jeapordy again so things went bad again and I didn't talk to her for over a year. Also I'm having suspicions toward her that she is deliberately trying to hurt me or harm me when she can't see or admit things that are obvious to me and not her and then things are happening to me that are harmful it causes paranoia towards her too. I think the guilt would probably hit her harder than most people do too, some people have to be perfect or they're the worst person in the world. This or that.


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## Mlt18 (Jun 29, 2016)

Idk but they might be starting to realize by now except it’s too late. I’m a pretty ****ed up dysfunctional adult still living at home, barely working, not socializing with anyone. I kind of feel bad sometimes because they probably thought I would end up normal eventually. The thing is they should have never reproduced to begin with, probably also due to the genes I inherited because now they have to deal with the aftermath of it all. (They don’t have the balls to kick me out or get rid of me for good).


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## indignant misanthrope (Jun 15, 2021)

I remember when I was younger I thought that moving out would solve a lot of my social anxiety problems. after moving out I found that I still had the same social anxiety problems. I am glad I moved out though, it's his house and his rules which might sound fine until you realise this gives him power to be as tyrannical as he pleases. it's possible that his personality had an effect on me but I think that damage was done a long time ago. I wanted to move out when I was 18 but I had no chance to do this, just wasn't financially viable with my terrible employment history due to mental health, I simply would not be able to survive. have a think about whether you can actually afford to live alone and if you can then maybe go for it. it may not solve the problems you are talking about but you will gain some insight, independence and experience.


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## Saeta (Jul 31, 2018)

My dad is immune to shame and guilt, so that's a lost cause. My mother did what she could, but she's not great at discipline or teaching values or social skills.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

They know, because I have told them. They can't take it on board though as it would ruin their identity and self-perception as good people. Not my problem. 

They had their own issues, largely due to how they were parented, I am sure, though it doesn't free them of responsibility. Similarly it is my responsibility to do what I can to fix the issues they caused, and to ensure I stop the passing on down the generations of emotional abuse and dysfunction. I don't expect I will have children, but my girlfriend does have a child, so if things develop, I will be sure to treat him in the ways I know children should be treated.


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## Fever Dream (Aug 18, 2015)

Nope, and they never will.


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## dearestjane (Sep 4, 2021)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Although my mother (in particular) certainly didn't help matters (I think maybe she tried in her own very limited and myopic, self-centered, delusional way), the fundamental problem with their parenting started and ended with their choice to reproduce in the first place. When people who know they shouldn't do anyway, they are proving they don't know (or possibly don't care) how much damage they could potentially be doing.


I am so glad I chose to not reproduce. I have a feeling my kids would hate me lol because I'd be a terrible mother. I'd love my kids in my own way, but it wouldn't be enough to shield them from what I am. I do have a cat and I love her so much and she loves me too. 

Do my parents know? Yeah, but I don't think they fully understand, and at my age, it is just getting old to blame my parents...pun intended. That was a pun, right? The getting old...heh heh heh...


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