# intimacy anxiety?



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

For those brave enough to share, I was wondering if sex or the idea of sex gives you anxiety? And I would like to post some of your answers on my blog, and it would be anonymous.

But for me, sex gives me a lot of anxiety for a quite a few reasons. I've only had sex 3 times and I was drunk every single time and can't really imagine being sober. I have a lot of body image issues, but even just performance anxiety. I'm so worried about every little detail that I can't just relax and enjoy it. I would love to hear from both guys and girls on the issue.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

When I was younger I used to get drunk when I knew sex mighty be a possibility. I also had major performance anxiety issues. Many things would go through my mind: 

-I'm not experienced
-will I make her orgasm? 
-I didn't want her to have seen a bigger one than mine (that would have crushed me)
-will I reach too fast? 
-what if I can't get an erection?
etc.

Even with alcohol, I think I never lasted over 45 seconds (if that) when younger. The only good thing is I could go again in a little while when I was younger. I think my major problem was always when I was seeing a girl for the first few times (the novelty/uncertainty/change) that I experienced the most performance anxiety. The novelty of it, not knowing what she will think, how she will react, if she's clean, used to scare me (especially if she was sexually aggressive). I backed out from many situations because of the anxiety of sex. But once I became comfortable with a girl (with time after a few months), the situation totally reversed and I was extremely confident (much more confident in sex and with her) than all other social situations. So I guess as bad as alcohol is considered, it played a major role for getting me over the first few dates. Afterwards, I rarely used alcohol.


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## efm88 (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm the same way, I've only had sex when drunk--like 3 times also. I have a lot of body issues too, I can't exactly put my finger quite on what they are but I cannot imagine being sober for sex either :/ I guess the thought of being really close and alone with just one person gives me a lot of anxiety too...


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Well I get anxious because lately the thought of intimacy repulses me. I think I'm becoming asexual.


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## DreamyDove (Dec 8, 2009)

Make sure you are in love wit eachother, and you fully trust them, and are comfortable with them first. When real love is fully there it should feel right and easier to get into.


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## tranquildream (Nov 17, 2010)

In a new relationship, yes. It takes a long time for me to become comfortable enough with a person to do a number of things(or at least do the things comfortably), sex included. Even in a relationship I've been in awhile though, I still worry too much sometimes and sex ends up failing. I can also relate to the part about drinking. I've planned and had the full intention of getting drunk just because I knew that was the only way I would be able to do it. I also have the body image issues and performance anxiety... It really sucks because it should be something a couple enjoys in the moment, but in my head it's constant anxiety and worrying I'm doing something wrong. So because of all this, most of the time I can't relax and enjoy it, and I'm just worrying about what needs to happen or what the other person is thinking =/


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Were you guys uncomfortable of being seen in the nude with too many lights on?


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## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you everyone so much for responding. I seriously appreciate it. And I have never been fully nude with the lights on in front of anyone. I found that concept terrifying.


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## efm88 (Feb 18, 2010)

The thought of intimacy also repulses me...but at the same time I want it...:/


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## DreamyDove (Dec 8, 2009)

Oh yes,... an efficient amount of darkness in the room could alleviate some body-conscious issues... And also loud music can be a great compliment to the intimate act so that you can let loose and not feel self-conscious about moaning.... =] .... and you can let the rhythm of the music help take you to sexual bliss


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## wxolue (Nov 26, 2008)

This past weekend I got as close to sex with a girl as I've ever gotten. For some reason, I couldn't get it up. I found her attractive and everything, but the anxiety stopped me dead in my tracks. I also was a little bit tipsy, and alcohol always makes it harder for me to get it up. Alcohol is the only way I can get in bed with a girl, but it's also the thing that will stop me from performing. How unfortunate...


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

I'm not really anxious about being intimate, but I do get anxiety with being naked in front of someone else. I have pretty deep-seated body image issues thanks to my last relationship and BDD.


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## ReincarnatedRose (May 20, 2011)

I'm not comfortable with my body, but I enjoy being close and intimate with people. I've pushed people away in the past *solely* because of my body issues, but now I'm trying to overcome that.

Either way, it's not really the intimacy part that gives me anxiety or having sex or anything like that because I'm pretty open about all of that. It's just literally my body.

If I could have the lights at a medium level intensity (not necessarily off or pitch dark), I'd be fine. LOL


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## ReincarnatedRose (May 20, 2011)

DreamyDove said:


> Oh yes,... an efficient amount of darkness in the room could alleviate some body-conscious issues... And also loud music can be a great compliment to the intimate act so that you can let loose and not feel self-conscious about moaning.... =] .... and you can let the rhythm of the music help take you to sexual bliss


:yes


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

I used to feel that way until my first girlfriend was amazing in making me feel sexy. It took a while, but we went nights where we were nude in our apartment and we would always playfully compliment each other when we got up to go to the kitchen or anything like that.

However, with any new partner, the anxiety is obviously there as a man, however, if it ever got to that point, I think I would be confident enough for my anxiety to lessen considerably.

I used to drink sometimes to help me get to it, and it made me last a much longer time, but alcohol lessens the sensation and true intimacy.

When I stopped drinking, I still lasted a good while, but the intimacy was an amazing feeling I will never forget.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

Every man in the world has some degree of performance anxiety when it comes to sex.

Welcome to our world.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm the same. I have to be wasted before im comfortable enough to get intimate. But then i dont really remember it cos i was so drunk...


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

I'm pretty much scared to have sex. I've had opportunities but never acted on any of them (hence why I'm still a virgin). I'm paranoid of being pregnant and something going wrong. I can also relate to the body image issues, in that sometimes I don't know what the guy is reeeeeallly thinking. Does he think I'm gross, but is pretending that I'm hot just to be nice and get some? It may be. And for some reason guys assume I'm really good at sex, and I have no idea why. WTF. Oh well.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

MojoCrunch said:


> I've had opportunities but never acted on any of them


ya think?


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## UniversalPolymath (Jun 3, 2011)

Hmm ...

_Yeeaah_, I have intimacy anxiety too, but could be worse; I've been with my partner for five years, and she knew the ups and downs of my anxiety issues well before we ever tried anything sexual.

She's the only partner I've ever had, so I was kind of a wreck in the beginning of our relationship. Once she discovered that merely trying to hold my hand or accidentally brushing my shoulder too hard made me tremble nervously, there was really no avoiding the fact that sex could turn out to be a problem.

Thankfully, she's been incredibly patient when it comes to my various quirks. She waited for me to somewhat overcome the whole "never-nude" thing (forget being nude in front of someone else - it can be challenging enough when I'm alone). She's gone along with my insistence that all the lights have to be off, and that I have to be covered at all times even though it's pitch-black (makes no sense, but makes me feel oddly more comfortable).

But despite becoming gradually more comfortable with her, I'm still nervous in some capacity every time we're together; sometimes it's just a little apprehension, and other times I'll be getting zero enjoyment out of the deal and looking for any excuse to call off the proceedings. Fortunately, the latter is becoming less and less frequent.

And yes, I can still get major performance anxiety too, which is cruelly the number one thing that hinders my performance. Go figure.


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## Mr Blues (Apr 1, 2011)

Damn well it does.

I am already extremely self conscious with my clothes ON. Though I don't see sex as something that's attainable for me currently or in the near future... so actually I don't even think that far ahead. I have enough depressing **** on my mind.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

I feel like, if the person has accepted me well enough that she wants to get intimate, I don't have much to fear, and my anxiety stays low until the actual act...

...During which I'll fear that I'll never finish, and that turns into anxiety about her--that she'll feel inadequate and think it's her fault, when really the problem is mine : /


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## angus (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm so horny not even anxiety can stop me so I can't really relate. 
You should be open and honest with the lucky guy before hand and let him know you have image issues, this is somthing I alway's have to do with my partners as they are alway's either overwieght or old enough to be my mother or both.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

au Lait said:


> I'm not really anxious about being intimate, but I do get anxiety with being naked in front of someone else. I have pretty deep-seated body image issues thanks to my last relationship and BDD.


This. Although I don't think I have BDD.

I have major major issues being naked in front of someone else. It's so bad. If I could ask the guy to just close his eyes and never look at me while we were having sex I would. And if someone does see me naked, I can't look at them looking, if that makes sense.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

Yup I'm terrified of it. I'll probaby embarrass myself since I wouldn't know what to do or I just might get overly emotional (not used to physical contact/affection, years of loneliness) and start crying. Oh and it has to be pitch dark or I'm not taking my clothes off. :um


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

The main thing I have anxiety about regarding sex is something going wrong with the protection and me impregnating a woman, which is something I never want to do. Because of this aversion, I would have to have a serious talk with my date about her using some type of birth control, if she doesn't already. That could create a little friction.


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## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

I just really want to thank everyone for replying to this. It has been so interesting to read all of it, especially hearing it from a males perspectives as well. It easy to forget that the other person might actually be anxious about themselves too. So thank you so much. I'm already actually starting to feel a little more comfortable about it all just by even talking about it and reading what you guys have to so. So thank you! I also talk in more detail about the specifics of what makes anxious about sex and I also posted a lot of what you had to say, so check it out if your interested! I'm also happy this thread hasn't gotten deleted even though it says, "no sex."


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

I honestly can't believe how many women mainly have sex when drunk. When you say drunk you don't mean tipsy right? You mean blind drunk "can't feel my face" "can hardly recognise this guy" "where am I" drunk?
That's unsafe from an STI/STD point of view and just for you girls in general.

Are the guys drunk too? you're not just saying, you have a glass or 2 of alcohol beforehand, you mean drunk yeah?

Alcohol is such a curse honestly. I wish you ladies could experience the intimacy whilst sober and being relaxed and comfortable throughout. Heck, I'd show it to you if I could!

Oh and from a guys POV. As said below, with any new partner or after a long time between partners you do feel performance anxiety. I was a shocker the first few times with my first partner. But eventually things were good and performance was Energizer like. Some SSRI's prolong orgasm for men (and are prescribed for premature ejaculation) and that equated to hours of lovemaking when I was on Cipramil (for depression/sa).

The key for both partners though is to relax. Deep breathing from the diaphragm and really let yourself be totally relaxed. Especially for a man, if you're not totally cool then the motions of anxiety (esp performance related) will cause you to be premature. Slow breathing is so important for that. Even stop till you're calm. For a woman I'd say the same applies otherwise you wont orgasm and not enjoy the moment of intimacy.



Motionless Sway said:


> It took a while, but we went nights where we were nude in our apartment and we would always playfully compliment each other when we got up to go to the kitchen or anything like that.
> 
> However, with any new partner, the anxiety is obviously there as a man, however, if it ever got to that point, I think I would be confident enough for my anxiety to lessen considerably.
> .


This is quite kinky but also a pretty innovative idea. Just getting used to eachothers' bodies and being comfortable outside of the bedroom so that in the bedroom everything's relaxing. Even just standing next to one another nude and observing, talking, getting accustomed etc.

* I hope this post wasn't too full on for anyone or the mods. Just giving y thoughts on the topic.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

I used to view sex as repulsive & disgusting. But my sexual repression caught up with me & now I'm horny as heck.

I'm terrified of being intimate but I honestly can't wait. Girl OR boy.


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## dasdasfdasfasdfsa (Sep 23, 2009)

Monroee said:


> I used to view sex as repulsive & disgusting. But my sexual repression caught up with me & now I'm horny as heck.
> 
> I'm terrified of being intimate but I honestly can't wait. Girl OR boy.


hit me up girl!  lolsry but obv that caught my attention. XD


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## efm88 (Feb 18, 2010)

Drinking is the only way I won't be self conscious....:/


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## wmw87 (Apr 20, 2011)

> If I could ask the guy to just close his eyes and never look at me while we were having sex I would.


may i suggest blindfolds?


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

wmw87 said:


> may i suggest blindfolds?


You gotta add the handcuffs.


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## efm88 (Feb 18, 2010)

LOL just the thought of all that gives me more anxiety


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

Monroee said:


> I used to view sex as repulsive & disgusting. But my sexual repression caught up with me & now I'm horny as heck.
> 
> I'm terrified of being intimate but I honestly can't wait. Girl OR boy.


In the exact same boat as you!!!


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

Yes, basically what the OP and Perfectionist said. (And probably others too, but those two just stood out for me.) Lights off / dark definitely helps.

I dislike various aspects of my body, which makes it very hard to feel comfortable naked with someone - especially in any kind of position where I'm more exposed. (Related to that, I'm out of shape and need to lose several pounds... but the other body issues won't change even with weight loss.)

Then I also have performance anxiety in two ways: 1) Medication I'm on dulls my sex drive and makes it really hard (sometimes impossible) for me to "get there"... obviously I really want to get there, and a) sometimes I worry about the fact that it's quite difficult or can take far too long (or impossible), or b) sometimes I accept it but worry that someone else won't understand or will feel it's their fault. I can still fully enjoy the experience regardless, but sometimes so much emphasis is placed on the big O. 2) The obvious performance anxiety of how I relate to / what I do to someone else, and whether it's enjoyable. I'm not an experienced sexual partner.


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

I don't find it scary when I imagine it, because I don't see it as a real possibility. It's not something I worry about. If I ever get into a relationship, and I get to a situation where sex might be a possibility, I'm sure I'd be terrified of getting naked and doing stuff. For now though, whenever I think about sex, I'm an ultra-confident super stud and every girl is begging to get at my man parts. :teeth


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

Yes it does, I would give anything to be in a relationship, but the thought of sex makes me nervous. I don't know if I'm afraid of disappointing the guy or what the problem is.


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## Onigiri (Aug 3, 2010)

First things first... I LOVE YOUR BLOG. I read it real quick as I was scrolling down and your blog is awesome! Keep writing! 

Anyway, to answer your question - I HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY when it comes to kissing. I can't kiss without feeling anxious. For whatever reason, it freaks me out. Kissing is way too intimate for me to handle. The sad part is, I was only able to really "kiss" when I drank anything with vodka.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Although I am feeling a lot better about the prospect of intimacy than I used to be, I have been scared of sex for a long, long time and have had a lot of hangups about it. I was never sexually abused and my therapist doesn't think there is anything in my upbringing that "messed me up", so to speak. (I have shared with her pretty much my entire life story). I've just always been super inhibited, I guess...and for someone who is chronically shy, this is the granddaddy of all challenges. My parents talked with us about sex (I know many, many people do not get "the talk") so it wasn't like I was raised in a prudish household.

The main thing that really scared me for a long time was 1) penetration [will it hurt?] and 2) giving oral sex/dealing with semen. The nudity really doesn't bother me, yeah, I don't like how I need to lose about 25 pounds, but I am comfortable being naked by myself, and I really want that skin-to-skin contact. I don't consider myself to be a prude, just frightened by bodily functions more than anything...not the kissing, caressing etc. I find that to be incredibly hot. I have a lot of fantasies and I just keep up a reinforcement of positive thoughts, e.g. "when I'm _in_ that moment and it's actually happening, I _will_ want to experience all of those things I'm currently afraid of."


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

Ape in space said:


> For now though, whenever I think about sex, I'm an ultra-confident super stud and every girl is begging to get at my man parts. :teeth


This is in fact exactly what sex is like.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Perfectionist said:


> And if someone does see me naked, I can't look at them looking, if that makes sense.


Makes perfect sense. I'm the same way. I always look away or fake making eye contact by looking at their forehead or the space between their eyes...I'm sure they prob know that's what I'm doing though.


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

senrab said:


> The main thing that really scared me for a long time was 1) penetration [will it hurt?] and 2) giving oral sex/dealing with semen.


1) One word: LUBE. Penetration still hurts a little for me (occasionally a lot), at first, almost every single time. Then it's great after that. For ladies who haven't had sex yet, you should become good friends with a decently-sized toy (i.e. one for penetration). Also, during sex, "on top" will allow you better control and position of entry.

2) Me too. I've "gone down" on someone before, but not to completion, so to speak.

(wonders if this reply isn't PG enough...)


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

senrab said:


> The main thing that really scared me for a long time was 1) penetration [will it hurt?] and 2) giving oral sex/dealing with semen.


I think my favorite description of that issue that I heard somewhere was while you wouldn't put it in your cornflakes or anything, semen isn't so bad.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

pollster said:


> 1) One word: LUBE. Penetration still hurts a little for me (occasionally a lot), at first, almost every single time. Then it's great after that. For ladies who haven't had sex yet, you should become good friends with a decently-sized toy (i.e. one for penetration). Also, during sex, "on top" will allow you better control and position of entry.
> 
> 2) Me too. I've "gone down" on someone before, but not to completion, so to speak.
> 
> (wonders if this reply isn't PG enough...)


Yeah, I've figured as much (lube and considering being on top). Thanks. I actually kind of cried a little about this stuff this morning. I just feel really exasperated that I haven't been able to do something that probably over 90% of the adult population has done, and it's all my fault.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

perfectionist said:


> i think my favorite description of that issue that i heard somewhere was while you wouldn't put it in your cornflakes or anything, semen isn't so bad.


lol


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Kon I think all guys (and many women) think the same thing as you do, but you know how they fake confidence even when they're doing something they're unsure of.. instead of thinking "I hope she likes this..", they think, "There's no way she isn't loving this." even if they are really not doing anything how she wants they're smiling thinking they're a big shot lol.
Nobody can be a perfect lover on the first time unless you are having super detailed conversations about preferences before hand. As weird as it is, I think asking someone what they like, especially oral, is probably a good idea.. particularly if you can't read their face well or they are passive aggressive and wouldn't tell you bc they don't want to 'hurt your feelings'.. just ask is my advice to anybody who worries about this. Even the best of the best will have times when they orgasm too quickly, and stuff like that. Unless she is a total biyatch then it shouldn't matter. A real woman will say, "Ok, let's go again in 15" LOL. Sex is NOT like the movies, it's much better when you can laugh if you fall off a chair or whatever.. haha! Oh and btw Kon this isn't all entirely directed just for you, I am just extremely sloppy writing on sas and not saying you are a bad lover for the record lol


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## Lesic67 (Dec 13, 2010)

Sex definetely makes me nervous. I have to get to know the person really well and trust them in order to have sex with them. Having sex drunk scares me too because then you might seriously regret it later. Different for everyone though. But yes, sex is kind of scary.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

kathy903 said:


> I think all guys (and many women) think the same thing as you do, but you know how they fake confidence


One area where girls really do have the advantage. We can't fake it, if you know what I mean.


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## Genetic Garbage (May 7, 2011)

The mere idea of being intimate with a woman makes me very anxious. I am 100% sure I'd need to be heavily intoxicated to do so. I have huge trust issues as well.


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## OpiodArmor (Jun 15, 2011)

I always thought that I would be incredibly anxious and nervous due to my very limited experiences but it turns out I'm not. I think a LOT of it has to due with how much you and your partner trust / respect / love each other.

It all went pretty natrualy, imo, besides for a few slip ups. N when things like that do happen it's really nice when you can just laugh it off and smile with each other


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## forever_dreamer (Jul 8, 2008)

I get nervous


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