# Emotionally drained by my parents



## limbo15 (Apr 28, 2016)

I'm a 23 y/o female currently living with my parents post college graduation. I chose to live with them while I studied for this exam that is a future requirement for my career and wait for my job start date to come. I've lived with them for probably about 8 months, and I can't stand it anymore. 

They've given me everything in life: great education, vacations, toys, etc. And they've worked hard for it, too (and remind me of this constantly). I was a very obedient and all around good kid. I had consistently good grades, never got into trouble, always did what I was told. On the surface, we're as perfect as a family can look. 

The problem is how my family deals with each other when we aren't so perfect. Both of my parents are extremely stubborn, both towards me and toward each other. My father, who is a very good person in every other respect, has a really bad temper, to the point where hindsight has me thinking it is borderline abusive, both emotionally and physically.

My mother does not have nearly as bad of a temper, but it's still bad (more emotionally), but I wouldn't call her's abusive. She is more manipulative; she knows how to egg on my father, she's a master of guilt trips, etc. She gets upset with me when I don't agree with her political views; she actually said to me that I disagree just because I don't want to agree with her. She also claims that she "protects" me from my father when he's blowing up, so I should be more grateful towards her. 

I'm not perfect either. I tend to not let anyone know how I feel until it bursts out, so it seems sudden to my parents when it does. I know why I do this; my parents are used to me being obedient, so anytime I don't go with what they want, it's like I'm an inconvenience and they make a big fuss about it. And at times it was an inconvenience, which I can understand and I can accept that I don't make it easy sometimes; it's the big inevitable blow up that has scarred me.

Anyways, this all came to fruition today. My parents had been planning this trip to Europe for a few months, and I said I would go if I passed this one part of my test. I was actually hoping that I wouldn't pass, because while our vacations are amazing, literally every one comes with a huge, physical blow up from my father and results in my mother sobbing; literally anything can cause it and it's so unpredictable. I ended up giving them a pretty bad fake excuse as to why I couldn't go if I did pass, which ended up resulting in a small fight. 

I just didn't want to tell them the real reason: that their fights/blow ups take away from the vacation and I just didn't want that to happen again. They frequently reference divorce in these fights, and I just hate hearing that and believing even for a moment that they would get a divorce. It hurts so much when it happens, and it's never really resolved. My parents just act like it never happened the next day. They never apologize to each other or even to me or my brother (if the fight involved us), ever. These fights happen at home, too. 

Each time they fight like this, I lose respect for them because they say such personal, degrading things towards each other and/or me or my brother. And with no apologies, it feels like they actually mean what they say. To this day, I have severe anxiety because when I was younger, I believed what they would say to me when they were angry. Now, I try to tell myself that it's all just out of anger and that they don't really feel that way, but it's hard when it's so consistent. 

Anyways, I tried to take back my excuse and said that I want to go with them, because I actually really do. Obviously they don't quite believe me, and now my father is pissed and I had to give my mother a fake excuse about the stress of starting a new job and moving at the same time in order for her to kind of believe me. The one honest thing I said to her is that I realize how stupid I was acting. It was a stupid reason that I gave them, and I should feel more grateful about going on this trip with them. They just don't take criticism well (their stubbornness) and they don't empathize well (can't ever talk about personal problems with them). 

They are good people with many other flaws that I can overlook and they have done so much for me, but this I just can't get past. I've lost so much weight over the fact I've been so stressed while living with them, that now I'm underweight. I even lost my appetite for a month or so, and I get stress migraines so much more often now. 

I'll be moving out soon, so that's not an issue. I just hate the fact that I associate my parents with this much stress. I want to be happy when I see them, but that's just not the case. And I feel guilty because of it.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Sorry about your situation. Not sure what you can do besides tell them how you really feel. I think they will just have to work on themselves for the most part.


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## LotusBloom (May 30, 2015)

limbo15 said:


> I'm a 23 y/o female currently living with my parents post college graduation. I chose to live with them while I studied for this exam that is a future requirement for my career and wait for my job start date to come. I've lived with them for probably about 8 months, and I can't stand it anymore.
> 
> ...continue...
> 
> I'll be moving out soon, so that's not an issue. I just hate the fact that I associate my parents with this much stress. I want to be happy when I see them, but that's just not the case. And I feel guilty because of it.


 Reading your post, it felt like my heart squeezed. Although not completely, but somewhat I understood how you felt.

During my teens, my parents used to fight often and things would break around the house. It was still heated when I got to my 20s. In my early 20s, my dad used to take out his frustration, from my mom, on his kids. Both my parents used to be so stubborn too. When I got to my early-mid 20s my dad actually changed and started to accommodate for mostly everyone. Nowadays, they fight once in awhile. My mom is still very stubborn. My siblings and I understand that she probably won't ever budge. I think my dad realized too. My dad does throw in the divorce comments to his kids, and several times my mom blurted how her life would've been different if this or that didn't happen. I do know that my family loves one another. My parents are both very kind-hearted too. Kind to family, friends, and even strangers. Yes, it hurts when they fight. It's strange to be so frustrated at a loved one. Well, my dad recognizes how difficult he can be and would apologize.

How my parents fought with each other has bled into how I deal with stress in my own relationships. I'm very hardheaded, physically act out, and can be verbally mean. I am emotionally draining. My boyfriend was very selfish, barely sober, loathing human life but after a couple of years he became more considerate. This last year he changed very positively. He's blossoming for our relationship and I haven't yet. He understands that I'm not very good at communication (as in I blow up) but he knows how caring I am towards others. I do become aware of the consequences of my actions and apologize to the people I've hurt. He has hopes that I am able to flourish as a person. It is depressing to know how he feels for me when I myself do not value very much about my own life.

I'm sorry your family is going through this and I hope you become healthy again.

Aw&#8230; don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. You are just sad that your family can't seem to be as happy as you want them to be. You want them to feel jolly overall but it hasn't happened quite like what you would like yet. Take care of your own health first, you need to right now, they will still be there for you and you will be there for them.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

I got 30 years from my mum

40 years from dad.

Relating to the year I was born and the day they died.

Anyone else similar scenario?

So Dad lived alone those 10 years exactly. He had a better life than I will ever have.

I have been completely alone when I was 25, since 2001. for 15 years. That won't change.

I wanted to say that at Dad's funeral but didn't have courage. 
My first time around usual family for years. All was OK when Mum & Dad were there.

I've never been liked


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## ShadowOnTheWallAlt (Jun 27, 2016)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-deal-people-who-drain-you


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