# Don't want to be alive anymore



## sparkle1 (Jun 9, 2012)

I've not logged in for a few months but feel the urge to post tonight, just to ramble and be able to say things aloud so to speak. I hope this doesn't come across as self pity, unfortunately this is just how things are. I also want to see if others suffer the same.

For a long time now, I have not enjoyed being alive. I have cut all ties with so called friends and seldom see my family; I suppose I would be classed as a recluse. I only leave the house to go to work (though I am now out of a job too due to unfair treatment) or to go to the shop for groceries when they're needed. My anxiety, stress and worry has been through the roof for months to the extent that my OCD has intensified and I am beginning to avoid leaving the house on my own as the checking drives me insane and makes my stomach turn. I spoke to my doctor about this for him to tell me that he doesn't agree with medicating for issues like those, that I "seem fine anyway" and that I should take Kalms instead (herbal anxiety/stress remedy). Of course, these don't work and I have no medical professional to turn to because I'm not taken seriously. I had been diagnosed with Clinical Depression a few years back but I feel the doctors think I am playing on this diagnosis and it's making me doubt myself.

Everyone I know from school has since been to university and graduated or is now in a well paid job and forever posting happy pictures on Facebook for all to see. I am wasting away, scared to speak out aloud or talk to people, now have no job, no friends and no education to look forward to. Instead, I have money worries, anxiety, depression and introverted tendencies to contend with. I'm 25 years old, surely this is no way to live.

I am now at the stage where I think about suicide at least five times a day. Not so much planning it, more imagining it happening. Is this normal? Can anyone else relate to this?


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## Frostbite (May 14, 2013)

It's not normal, no. However, it is normal for a depressed person. You just wrote out the typical symptoms for depression. There are lots of us in the same boat. 

Stop looking at facebook! It's just depressing looking at all the happy picture and their success updates. 

If you're not happy with your situation, you still have time to turn it around. I had a pretty crappy job at 25. I didn't go to college until I was 27.


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## LolaViola (Jun 23, 2013)

You nearly made me cry. I'm 23 and can definitely relate to you. I am jealous of many people my age, even the few friends I have, because they have their lives together and I don't. Currently I don't have a job and I have given up on the possibility of ever having a relationship. I feel like the world around me is an exclusive, VIP club to which I am constantly denied access. The best I can do is stand outside, peer into the window at all the happy people, and hope that one day, I'll be invited to come inside. In the past, I have contemplated suicide many times, but out of fear, I never attempted it. However, if I died right now, I can't say with certainty that I would be missed. I don't mean anything to anyone. Wow...my eyes are literally welling up right now.
I just want you to know that if I can somehow find the strength to wake up in the morning, feeling like an unloved, unwanted waste of life, you can certainly find the strength to keep living. I may not know you, but believe me, I CARE ABOUT YOU. If nothing else motivates you to keep going, draw inspiration from that. I wish you life, love, peace, and happiness. Don't give up on yourself. You are here for a purpose, a great one.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

First off, of course it doesn't come across as self pity! I'm happy you feel able to talk here.

It sounds like you're having a really rough time, I'm so sorry! What you're going through would be hard on anyone, but people like us have additional anxiety and upset so it can be even worse. I'm sorry to hear your OCD is becoming harder to maintain. Is there any particular reason you've broken contact with friends and family? Not in a judgemental way, I'm only curious if even one of them could be a support for you.

I really don't trust your doctor, OCD is a recognised medical problem, encouraging herbal remedies is great... but sometimes people need more than that. Did he even mention therapy? I would try to get a second opinion or see a specialist. If any doctor makes you feel like you're playing on a genuine issue, you need a second opinion... or even to report them!

Do yourself a favour and logout of facebook... even deactivate it for a while if you need to. (I do that a lot) It's soul destroying, not helpful at all. I feel a similar way, I'm 24 and I know what you mean, it's all announcements about jobs, engagements etc, it makes you feel bad. Facebook is just a competition of boasting and it's majorly fake. They show the positive and take pictures to brag, but you can't see any negativity. Deactivate it, it really helps!

It's definitely not normal to feel suicidal, but it can happen. I can relate to feeling that way, I was in a dark place a few years ago and started planning to get rid of my things as if I wasn't going to live. I didn't though, I started counselling and it helped _a lot_.

I think you need that kind of one on one support. If it's not affordable there should be some charity foundations or NHS run programmes that offer free help. My first therapy was an NHS company, it pulled me out of a very dark place.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Sigh, I'm gonna post the same thing I posted earlier awhile back to someone else....

*copy/paste*

I used to have suicidal thoughts constantly in high school. Searching for reasons to go on living, when I didn't care anymore about living for happiness I resorted to choose to live for my family. When my whole family was angry at me for not doing something and disappointed in me and I felt they didn't care about me, I then resorted living only due to faith. The fear of being punished in the afterlife and sent to hell to suffer burning damnation for all eternity, a wasted life, which is supposedly sacred and does have the potential to find happiness. 

Yet I had a moment of clarity and fear, is not healthy motivation at all for being content with your place in life.

For me the reason to live is a combination of all three:
-potential to find happiness
-living for the people who care about you
-faith (be it religion, or the universe, or destiny, whatever works for you to validate your existence... )


Suicide is never the answer, and if you do go through with it, everyone who knows you, that pain will transfer to them, and I doubt you'd want to be remembered as someone who just gave up on life, you want them to see you persevere and fight through it. This is only a momentary moment in your life at the moment, you have to potential to change certain aspects you are unsatisfied with. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is not recommended, you already know all this, otherwise you wouldn't of posted, and try to rationalize it.

You are young, beautiful, and a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. Time will heal most of the pain, you gotta fight, if not for yourself, then for others, you must. Take care & hang in there...

On a side note: Facebook is generally a superficial social network that people only post the positive moments/pics of their lives, just like in real life, people usually only want to show off what's good currently in order to brag or feel proud, have their existence validated in some way, I wouldn't take all those updates too seriously, chances are they have more problems than success. Avoid Facebook if you can, most people just use it as another way to contact people they generally lost in touch with once in awhile.

If you constantly compare yourself and your current situation to the success of others, you will never become content or happy. I'm 25 as well and I used to feel the same as you did, it'll pass with time, just keep trying to be the best you can be, strive for your dreams, never give up. There is no shame in trying, yet there is if you choose to give up and sit idle.


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## bottleofblues (Aug 6, 2008)

If i had a dollar for every time i thought about suicide i'd be a millionaire by now, though i know i'd never go through with it. With the OCD thing over checking stuff, that's something i struggle with a bit as well though its not a huge issue for me like it sounds like it is for you. I kind of have this rule where i'm only aloud to check something twice and that's it, you should try it like checking the windows are closed and then leave the house no matter how much that thought inside you nags at you to check one more time.
Twice is enough unless you're hallucinating that window is closed or that oven is off.


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

i know exactly how you feel and maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that others feel the same way as you do.


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## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

I wouldn't consider suicide or death normal, however under the circumstances of what you-and many others-deal with it's not surprising. In fact, I'm in a very low point in my life right now and for the last handful of months I have been thinking and imagining scenarios of ending my own life. It's a constant fight since one part says "what the hell is the point?" while another says "am I really capable of doing that?"

I've never used facebook, not just cause it makes me depressed-which it does at times-but I've got no one to really connect to. Didn't go to a public school, have never worked, even as a teen and the few people I did interact with growing up never really showed an interest in me and vis versa, so there wasn't much point to participate.

And the part about your doctor think you seem fine, I get that from every doctor I see and I just have to ignore and roll my eyes at them.

I'm not sure what advice I can give as I'm stuck in my own depressing situations, but I think one of the problems is we have too much expected of ourselves and to be accomplished or gained in a certain amount of time that many of us think "omg I'm in my 20's and have done thing, no accomplishments, things to be proud of, good relationships... therefore it's too late." I think we have to learn to manage or break these habits before we're able to see the possibilities of improvement. Sorry, I wish I could say more.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

I'm a weird one. I don't want to live but I actually do enjoy being alive. Most of the time. I was out today in the sun. A light breeze. Just a moment in time. There was absolutely nothing else on my mind other than how wonderful it was to be alive.

Truth is I can't afford to live. The more unpleasant aspects of life will always intrude on the simple joy of being alive. I'm never really all that depressed until I think about other people. :lol


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

*Suicide*
_If you are currently thinking about harming or killing yourself please seek help immediately._ 
On the forums, suicide threats and the discussion of suicide is not permitted. On your personal blog, sharing your feelings is fine, but please do not share means or plans of suicide.


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