# Women: Have you ever actively approached or asked a guy out?



## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

This topic seems to come up in relation to dating threads quite a bit, usually from a 'why does the guy have to do the asking?' perspective. For any women that did, did it work out?


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Do you mean actively as in approach someone irl? Because I've not done that because of social anxiety. But I am usually the first one to make a move when it comes to starting relationships online. Oh actually, I have made a few moves on people in clubs when drunk, and sometimes they have become relationships lol. I don't think many people still think it's up to the man to take charge these days. Not outside of this forum anyway!


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## Sky Blue (Sep 17, 2017)

I tried to hang out around my boyfriend a lot before we started dating, but he's the one who asked.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

No, because they've made it clear, both when talking with others and to me directly, how disgusted they are by women like me. I don't have the self-esteem to deal with the rejection and ridicule when I get enough of that without even having to approach guys. 

I've also had guys criticize me for wanting a relationship/boyfriend when I'm asexual, so, I'd really rather not "lead anyone on" even if he were interested in me.

(Years ago I did try kind of subtly..."flirting" (not sure what other word to use) with a few guys I had a crush on, by replying to them frequently and expressing encouragement and trying to show interest in them, but they always ignored me and talked with other women instead, so I stopped. Feel stupid about that now; I was probably embarrassing them.)

*I feel that women should approach men they're interested in if they have the courage, though*; I find the whole "men should approach" attitude silly and outdated, especially if both parties are interested. It's just that I personally lack both the courage and anything that a guy might want, to justify approaching him myself.


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## Mlt18 (Jun 29, 2016)

No way. I would not be able to get away with that because I'm not good looking enough. When I'd get rejected it would mess me up even more and I don't need that.


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## ArtemisPhaesporia (Oct 3, 2017)

No. A former boyfriend told me that he was too embarrassed to be seen with me in public. So that ended any and all interest in asking other guys out later.


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## A Void Ant (Mar 10, 2012)

I'm a guy but I'd let to give my $ 0.2: I think it depends on the personality of the girl. The closest I came to having a GF was in high school and she was making all the moves. It basically died though because she probably thought I was uninterested. Guess I should have told her how shy I was.  That was so long ago now. There's been a few other girls who asked me out and thinking back I can't understand why I turned them down. I usually said things like "I don't really go on dates". That must have been very hurtful to them. I'm so sorry, I wish I could tell them but I don't know them anyone. They were usually coworkers I had when working at McDonald's. There was another girl somewhat recently in the office I work with who gave me her number and basically said to invite her over and I just said "I will consider that, thank you". And I really was doing just that; I thought about it but decided she wasn't my type and never followed up on it. I hope she wasn't hurt too. 

So I think girls definitely DO make moves but it's usually if the roles are reversed like she's the dominant one and the guy is the submissive one. Maybe that's why I never followed up because I don't really want to be the submissive one. I mean, I guess it depends how attractive she is. Well now I just sound picky. I'm really not. I just think way too much and never have to courage to make moves and turn them down when they do despite my desire for companionship. Damn anxiety.

Sorry for ranting in a short-response poll thread. >


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## Neon Cat (Jun 9, 2016)

My girlfriend asked me out after we met volunteering at a local animal shelter. She suggested we get a coffee together but we went for a walk at the park instead. 

Three months later we were a couple. That was five years ago.

I'm lucky she did too because she had a bad experience when some ******* she asked out told her "it's the man's job to ask a woman out". 

I think some women expect to be asked out by men. 
And there plenty of women comfortable asking men out.
Just as there are men who would say yes to them if they asked.
And there are men who would shame women for asking them, like what happened to my girlfriend.


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## Pongowaffle (Jul 23, 2015)

Men are much more likely to be the ones to ask women out than reverse. If you are asking here especially, you will not get much Yes answers. Because most women here will have social anxiety. You will not get an accurate demographic selection of responses here. You will be getting responses all skewed to shy and introvert women. 

Off the top of my head, the best place to ask might be general dating forums, or Yelp forums. Those places will have women that have a higher social life and social circle. Probably the demography you are seeking an answer from.


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## The Library of Emma (Mar 3, 2016)

No, and I don't see myself doing this unless I was quite certain the feelings were reciprocated.

edit: Apparently I have been known to make exceptions for special cases.


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## PocketoAlice (Jan 22, 2014)

Many, many times. Rejection happens about as often as I imagine it happens to guys, sometimes pretty brutally. I've been called ugly, told to starve myself, stop wearing so much black makeup, stop being such a creep, etc. 

As for the boy I'm the most attracted to, he still texts me sweet things and sends me cute pictures regularly despite being much more shy than me, so I can't complain.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I've had 5 gfs. They all made the first move. But I was friends with 4 of them for quite a while beforehand, so it's not like they were approaching a stranger or anything. I've had a couple other female friends put moves on me, but I wasn't attracted to them that way so it never led to anything. I've never had a woman I don't know hit on me, though.


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## reese444 (Dec 28, 2016)

i'm a guy but the only reason i got my first girlfriend at all was because the most popular girl in my high school was really annoying and wouldn't stop asking me to date her


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## Kandice (Jan 26, 2017)

I never met anyone worth asking out.


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## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

Not guys but I have asked girls out and got rejected every time lol.

If you are trying to prove it never happens I agree with the sentiment that this forum is not an accurate representation, my sister doesn't have S.A. and approached any guy she fancied. At my work (I'm a barista) we get people that ask us out occasionally, mostly men but I have seen girls give out their number or ask out some of the male baristas (and a girl one time too).


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Only a few times. And only when very drunk at discos when I was living abroad. 

I've done the passive-aggressive approach many times though. I would actively look around the disco for a guy that I'm attracted to. I'd walk around the club by myself to see if I could find one. Also by walking around the club, more guys see you than if you stayed in one spot. If I found one (usually I didn't since I'm picky), I would purposely hang around his general vicinity. Then I'd wait to see if he would check me out. If I felt bold, I'd stare at him a bit and then look away once he noticed the staring. Sometimes they would come to chat with me after, sometimes not.

Outside of discos, no way Jose. Would never do this in my home country either. I don't think many find me all that attractive here, so I would not have the guts to try. Figure my odds would be pretty low.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

Yes, mostly positive results.


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Pogowiff said:


> *Men are much more likely to be the ones to ask women out than reverse.* If you are asking here especially, you will not get much Yes answers. Because most women here will have social anxiety. You will not get an accurate demographic selection of responses here. You will be getting responses all skewed to shy and introvert women.
> 
> Off the top of my head, the best place to ask might be general dating forums, or Yelp forums. Those places will have women that have a higher social life and social circle. Probably the demography you are seeking an answer from.


True, but the poll results are a little different than what I expected. Although I think that women may on occasion approach or ask a guy out a guy at a bar/club, or using online dating where it is an anonymous setting. If a women did that with a social circle and she was rejected she would feel she would be the butt of the gossip (I've seen that happen before).

The only times I've ever been 'approached' was using online dating, I think maybe 5 girls sent me the first message. I've never been asked on a first date by a girl. It's probably a good thing for men that women don't approach or ask men on dates all the time because they'll be very selective in who they chose due to hypergamy.


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## kageri (Oct 2, 2014)

Shh... it was all secretly being plotted since shortly after we started finding things in common. Unfortunately he was more serious about his gf than I was about my non-bf who I refused to officially be his gf (stated outright) and was still meeting other guys with the intention of finding dates. Neon flashing signs would not have made my intentions more clear to that one. I thought I was going to have to get a restraining order to not come to my house to finally get through to him.... In the meantime..... I do not know the apparently horrid disagreement that led to my now husband's gf leaving him but suddenly he had no gf and I had what had turned into more of a stalker. Still since he was serious with his previous gf I had to continue being friends until I basically invited myself over to his place for further help with college work he had a degree in. Months later he was pretty much living at my place. A couple months after that we were married because declaring a domestic partnership is a huge headache, you should see the shared asset requirements alone to qualify for that, when you are a heterosexual couple and can just sign a paper at the court house.


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

I've asked three guys if they wanted to hang out at mine and those became relationships. None of them were strangers. We'd had a few conversations but weren't friends. The only time that didn't go well was when one of them seemed uninterested in hanging out and was noncommittal about it, so I asked him again a couple of days later after we'd chatted more and he agreed. It turned out he was shy and he said he thought I was just asking to be nice.

I've messaged a couple of other guys I hadn't talked to much, and asked one to add me on Messenger, but I didn't directly hit on them when we messaged. I chatted to one and asked him to hang out and we became friends, then I hit on him later (I wasn't initiating a relationship, just fwb), and another turned out to already have a boyfriend. I'm guessing he doesn't want a girlfriend as well but I should probably check with him, just in case.

Apparently most New Zealand boys are a lot more shy and less assertive with dating than other nationalities, so I guess guys are more likely to appreciate being asked out here as it takes the pressure off them (unless they are uninterested). And the women are more assertive/aggressive overall so it might be more acceptable for us to be assertive than in other places.


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## alienbird (Apr 9, 2010)

No, and I never would. I feel like it's best for the man to show interest first, because the woman might look too aggressive, desperate, or weird if she does it.

It's extremely rare that I find a man attractive anyway, so double no.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> True, but the poll results are a little different than what I expected. Although I think that women may on occasion approach or ask a guy out a guy at a bar/club, or using online dating where it is an anonymous setting. If a women did that with a social circle and she was rejected she would feel she would be the butt of the gossip (I've seen that happen before).
> 
> The only times I've ever been 'approached' was using online dating, I think maybe 5 girls sent me the first message. I've never been asked on a first date by a girl. *It's probably a good thing for men that women don't approach or ask men on dates all the time because they'll be very selective in who they chose due to hypergamy.*


Why would that be a good thing? It doesn't change anything really either way. I mean maybe if they're desperate, but otherwise many would just reject you if they don't find you sufficiently attractive.


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## Suede1971 (Jun 27, 2017)

my ex was like this, was a pleasant experience while i was sat on my fat arse doing nothing.


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## Virgo (Jun 27, 2016)

I have, I asked a co-worker once to go to the movies with me, and got completely rejected. Other times I've had opportunities to ask someone if they wanted to go get a drink sometime, but decided not to, whether it was SA-based, or I just acknowledged the chance and didn't feel the need to ask. I've not yet really needed to approach a guy myself. Eventually I will, and I hope I'm ready for that.


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## cinto (Jun 19, 2017)

yes and the answer was yes both times.


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## Gloaming (Aug 1, 2017)

No, my SA is still too bad for me to approach anyone I'm interested in irl, guy or girl. I do plan to change that, though.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

I'm not interested in asking any guy to go out with me. If a guy is really interested, then he should have the courage to do the asking.

What kind of a man just sits back and wait for a woman to pursue him? What kind of a man is that?

If I have to ask a guy out then it means he doesn't really like me or he would have said something.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Ms kim said:


> I'm not interested in asking any guy to go out with me. If a guy is really interested, then he should have the courage to do the asking.


Well, that is one way of looking at it, but the thing with courage is, the guys that do ask aren't usually being courageous.

So rating the anxiety of the task, someone with anxiety, this might be an 9/10, for someone without anxiety its maybe a 6/10. For some men, no doubt the task is a 3/10. Doing a non anxiety inducing task isn't actually being brave, its just standard. If someone with anxiety does do something like this that is brave. So it's relative.

But fair enough, if you like guys that don't suffer from much anxiety then this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but it isn't usually bravery that would be at work here, more a lower baseline anxiety (imo).



Ms kim said:


> What kind of a man just sits back and wait for a woman to pursue him? What kind of a man is that?


Either one that doesn't need to persue, one that isn't that interested, or one with social anxiety (we are on a forum for that, btw )



Ms kim said:


> If I have to ask a guy out then it means he doesn't really like me or he would have said something.


It's possible if it's a non anxious guy, or he might like you if he has anxiety.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Would be hard to tell the difference. If the guy is just anxious or if the guy isn't terribly interested in you. I suppose if he doesn't seem shy, then it's probably lack of interest.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

splendidbob said:


> Well, that is one way of looking at it, but the thing with courage is, the guys that do ask aren't usually being courageous.
> 
> So rating the anxiety of the task, someone with anxiety, this might be an 9/10, for someone without anxiety its maybe a 6/10. For some men, no doubt the task is a 3/10. Doing a non anxiety inducing task isn't actually being brave, its just standard. If someone with anxiety does do something like this that is brave. So it's relative.
> 
> ...


If a guy on the forum, in the safety of his room, far, far away from the person he likes, sitting in front of his computer finds it hard to PM a female on the forum who also has SA, then in real life it will be impossible. On the internet should be easy. If any man can't find the courage to PM the girl he likes, then it's only fitting he should remain single for life & not complain. Can't expect another shy, anxious female to do the pursuing. That's out of the question.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> True, but the poll results are a little different than what I expected. Although I think that women may on occasion approach or ask a guy out a guy at a bar/club, or using online dating where it is an anonymous setting. If a women did that with a social circle and she was rejected she would feel she would be the butt of the gossip (I've seen that happen before).
> 
> The only times I've ever been 'approached' was using online dating, I think maybe 5 girls sent me the first message. I've never been asked on a first date by a girl. It's probably a good thing for men that women don't approach or ask men on dates all the time because they'll be very selective in who they chose *due to hypergamy*.


Do normal people - as opposed to people that spend all day online on sites like MGTOW or whatever - actually believe in this crap? I didn't even know what this word meant. ( I just Googled it - again. ) It's really stupid. Normal people don't actually think like that - they just get together with people that are probably much the same as them - similar socio-economic background, someone they actually find attractive - that sort of thing.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Ms kim said:


> If a guy on the forum, in the safety of his room, far, far away from the person he likes, sitting in front of his computer finds it hard to PM a female on the forum who also has SA, then in real life it will be impossible. On the internet should be easy. If any man can't find the courage to PM the girl he likes, then it's only fitting he should remain single for life & not complain. *Can't expect another shy, anxious female to do the pursuing. That's out of the question.*


Jesus Christ that's weird - maybe they could just get together at church then?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

harrison said:


> Do normal people - as opposed to people that spend all day online on sites like MGTOW or whatever - actually believe in this crap? I didn't even know what this word meant. ( I just Googled it - again. ) It's really stupid. Normal people don't actually think like that - *they just get together with people that are probably much the same as them - similar socio-economic background, *someone they actually find attractive - that sort of thing.


Yeah homogamy red pill types don't seem to acknowledge that this is a thing or endogamy. It actually has a pretty heavy impact on dating preferences as it's noted that people become more attracted to people who are attainable or match them in various ways and often less to those who don't.

http://www.pnas.org/content/100/15/8805.full



> The reproductive potential of an individual's partner, however, may not be the only factor that contributes to the reproductive output of their partnership. The stability of the partnership may also influence its reproductive output (15). In socially monogamous societies, an individual with an open-ended mate preference (a preference for the most preferred partner available) would only obtain a stable long-term partnership if she/he waited until the more preferred, same-sex members of the population had paired. Individuals who did not wait would be prone to form partnerships with mates of very different quality than themselves, and such partnerships are expected to be unstable, because the higher-quality mate has many opportunities for trading up in partner quality. A strategy more likely to lead to stable long-term pairings would be to assess one's own relative quality as a mate, form a mate preference based on this self-perception, and choose a partner of similar mate quality (10, 16, 17). Such a strategy requires cognitive processes that enable an individual to assess both his or her own relative quality, and relative quality of the potential mate, within the local population.


https://mic.com/articles/141047/we-...o-just-get-us-according-to-science#.DhdhdJq2n

http://www.pnas.org/content/113/16/E2248.abstract



> Humans interacting with other humans must be able to understand their interaction partner's affect and motivations, often without words. We examined whether people are attracted to others whose affective behavior they can easily understand. For this, we asked participants to watch different persons experiencing different emotions. We found the better a participant thought they could understand another person's emotion the more they felt attracted toward that person. Importantly, these individual changes in interpersonal attraction were predicted by activity in the participant's reward circuit, which in turn signaled how well the participant's "neural vocabulary" was suited to decode the other's behavior. This research elucidates neurobiological processes that might play an important role in the formation and success of human social relations.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201505/are-we-attracted-people-who-look-us

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophily


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

harrison said:


> that's weird - maybe they could just get together at church then?


Why will it be easier at church?


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Yeah homogamy red pill types don't seem to acknowledge that this is a thing or endogamy. It actually has a pretty heavy impact on dating preferences as it's noted that people become more attracted to people who are attainable or match them in various ways and often less to those who don't.
> 
> http://www.pnas.org/content/100/15/8805.full
> 
> ...


Wow - I can't believe people spend so much time thinking about all this nonsense. ( I have no idea about any of it and I'm not actually interested - I do thank you for going to all that trouble though. )

I did find it interesting that when I Googled "hepergamy" the very first thing that comes up is this:

hy·per·ga·my
hīˈpərɡəmē/Submit
noun
the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class.

That instantly makes me think of places like India - where the caste system is entrenched. ( I used to study Asian philosophy and Sanskrit - believe it or not. )

It just seems like something that a lot of these young guys have convinced themselves that girls do to avoid the unfortunate position they find themselves in - ie. that they can't get a gf. ( I know OP has said he has one though. )


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Ms kim said:


> Why will it be easier at church?


Maybe I should apologise to you - but I find your post very annoying. (and stupid) I was having a go at you as I know you're religious. (childish of me - but there you are)


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

harrison said:


> Maybe I should apologise to you - but I find your post very annoying. (and stupid) I was having a go at you as I know you're religious. (childish of me - but there you are)


So glad you were able to get that off your chest.

But hey, no need to apologize. Do one thing for me, please continue being you, because one thing I know, I plan on being me. So you can expect me to keep it coming with more annoying/stupid comments.

Glad we understand each other.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Ms kim said:


> So glad you were able to get that off your chest.
> 
> But hey, no need to apologize. Do one thing for me, please continue being you, because one thing I know, I plan on being me. So you can expect me to keep it coming with more annoying/stupid comments.
> 
> *Glad we understand each other*.


Yes I imagine we do.

It's okay, I noticed your comments and your beliefs when you first came on here and put you straight on "ignore." I'll put you back on.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

komorikun said:


> Would be hard to tell the difference. If the guy is just anxious or if the guy isn't terribly interested in you. I suppose if he doesn't seem shy, then it's probably lack of interest.


For us men it's hard to share our feelings due to being ribbed about them, sometimes by other men if we share them. So we keep our feelings to ourselves.

I could like someone, but feel totally not good enough for them (I believe they could do better than me and usually they move on and do better than me). If confronted about do I like them (has happened to me in real life) I just go quiet, as not sure what to say.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

harrison said:


> Yes I imagine we do.
> 
> It's okay, I noticed your comments and your beliefs when you first came on here and put you straight on "ignore." I'll put you back on.


Up until few minutes ago you were & still are of no importance to me.

That you are going out of your way to tell me you are ignoring me i find supicious. What is this??? Do you like me or something??? Is this your way of getting me to notice you?

By all means, ignore me. It suites me just fine. Oh please!


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

cinto said:


> yes and the answer was yes both times.


Ofc it was lol.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Ms kim said:


> If a guy on the forum, in the safety of his room, far, far away from the person he likes, sitting in front of his computer finds it hard to PM a female on the forum who also has SA, then in real life it will be impossible. On the internet should be easy. If any man can't find the courage to PM the girl he likes, then it's only fitting he should remain single for life & not complain. Can't expect another shy, anxious female to do the pursuing. That's out of the question.


Your opinions are ridiculous. If you like someone it may be difficult to approach them if you have SA but you should regardless of gender. And it's hardly out of the question since many women on this site have pursued guys they were interested in.


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## Sus y (Aug 30, 2017)

I have. 
- First one wasn't interested but I consider this a good results as after some weeks I found out some crazy stuff about this guy.
-Second was another woman (a friend), we kind of had a moment "thing" (negative results for several reasons), but this doesn't count because the thread said_ approached a guy_ lol (I'm not lesbian, nor bi etc... but don't need to explain beyond this myself).
-Third, never happened anything. I liked him a bit but I knew he liked someone else too and I liked his brother sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomuch, sooooooooooooomuchhhhhhhhhhhhh that it was obvious (what can I do, this two bro were very alike emotionally, mentally, socially...), I did lots of things to be friends with his bro but never happened, not to mention that one time his mom gave me a talk (not a good one lol) and to make all worst his best friend was flirting with me and I just followed him a bit with it and the brothers knew. I don't consider this as a bad result either, the bro is happily married and I-m happy for, the best friend is happily married too (we talk every now and then) and my friend asked me to go on sort of a date not so long ago but I said no. At this point I think we both agreed that we won't ever do it.

Possible I'm missing another moment but... now this is what it comes to my mind.


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## cinto (Jun 19, 2017)

Kevin001 said:


> Ofc it was lol.


Faking your confidence will go a long way, try it and come back to me with your results lol


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## Potato Girl (Jul 22, 2013)

I've asked out the last two guys I've dated including my current boyfriend.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

I asked out four guys in college, and was awkwardly non-rejected by all of them... They just started avoiding me, despite being fairly cordial until that point. The one who did at least bother to actively reject me, assuring me of his "uncertain path in life not being conducive to dating" (we were about to graduate--I agreed that it made sense), literally announced a new relationship on Facebook _two weeks later..._

So ****ing humiliating.

I did initiate interaction with my boyfriend, a year and a half later. I made "the first move" in so much as, from the relative safety of a dating app this time, I messaged him first and introduced myself and yadda yadda yadda. I was not the one, however, who made the first official romantic gesture or who suggested we meet for the first time. I was too terrified of looking like a pathetic fool again by that point.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Sort of once, when I was 16. It was extremely embarrassing.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

cinto said:


> Faking your confidence will go a long way, try it and come back to me with your results lol


I've tried, only takes you so far lol.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Your opinions are ridiculous. If you like someone it may be difficult to approach them if you have SA but you should regardless of gender. And it's hardly out of the question since many women on this site have pursued guys they were interested in.


I'm also on the side that men should do the pursuing lol.


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## snarygyder (Oct 6, 2017)

Nah, haven't been sufficiently interested in anyone so far.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Kevin001 said:


> I'm also on the side that men should do the pursuing lol.


Another reason to dislike Christianity I suppose (not really I was already aware of that kind of attitude to things obviously.)

I can't ****ing stand gender policing. There is no need to critcise the guys who don't do x, y, z because they're not for you go find someone compatible you know? Same in reverse.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Ai said:


> I asked out four guys in college, and was awkwardly non-rejected by all of them... *They just started avoiding me, despite being fairly cordial until that point.* The one who did at least bother to actively reject me, assuring me of his "uncertain path in life not being conducive to dating" (we were about to graduate--I agreed that it made sense), literally announced a new relationship on Facebook _two weeks later..._
> 
> So ****ing humiliating.


This is one reason I never even bother. (The other main reason being that I'm already fully aware what guys think of me. Gross ugly middle-aged woman interested in them, ew.) Still hurt over two male _platonic_ friends suddenly deciding I no longer existed and they could never even tell me why. Both of them I had been friends with for years. One of them I thought was a really good, close friend. And then suddenly I was no longer good enough. At least with one of them it seemed to be the fact that I'm unemployed that triggered him into ignoring me (fine--don't want to be friends with you, either), but that other one, where there was NO reason...that REALLY hurts, over a decade later. -_-

I just last night came across the last e-mail I wrote him...2005. He never replied to it. If that's how disposable I am as a platonic friend, no way in hell will I pursue any guys romantically.

...And yeah, seems like _every single guy_ I've ever crushed on/shown interest in ends up getting in a relationship within weeks of me giving up trying to get his attention. Just amazing. :sigh


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand you are more likely to get a guy who is *really into you *if he was the one that pursued you. I think a lot of times if the woman does the pursuing, then some guys will respond positively but just cause they don't have anything going on at the time. Maybe they haven't gotten laid in a real long time. So even if they say yes, they could still not be all that interested. He might have wishy-washy feelings about you and just be in it for the time being until a woman more to his liking comes along. So that just wastes the woman's time and in the end she will feel hurt.

On the other hand, speaking from experience, 90% of the guys that have hit on me (outside of nightclubs) were not my type. So if I want to get a guy that *I'm really into * then I have to make the first move. The ones that I pine for don't hit on me


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Afreen88 said:


> I agree in general with @Ms kim. I've never approached. If he's interested, he'll ask. If he's too shy, I'm not interested. I also don't want to hear the other thousand extenuating circumstances, the fact is there isn't really any need for women to ask men out as most men will do. I get the feeling some women who approach men are doing it to prove something - like how oh-so-against-gender-roles they are.
> 
> Well I don't know about anybody here but in the realm of attraction, gender is important to me (duh?). For me, it doesn't matter if a particular trait or quality is inborn or society bred; if it's presenting mostly in men, I consider it 'masculine' and there's a good chance I'll find it attractive. It might be the case that men asking women out is only traditional and that it does not say anything about confidence but it doesn't matter. Pursuing is considered masculine so yeah if you're a male with SA you're at a disadvantage (vs other men, not women :roll) but... aren't we all? Like life cares if things are fair.


Hmm good post


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

Even though I am a male, hear me out:

My first date was initiated by her on OkCupid, not me. Every one afterwards was initiated by myself. It is working out pretty well so far. I don't really see a problem with women doing the initial approaching if they are into that sort of thing.

We are all individuals at the end of the day. It is 2017 already, get with the program people! We are not living in the 1950's anymore. :lol :haha


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I can't ****ing stand gender policing. There is no need to critcise the guys who don't do x, y, z because they're not for you go find someone compatible you know? Same in reverse.


With you on this.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

Kevin001 said:


> I'm also on the side that men should do the pursuing lol.


what should i do if i hardly leave the house and feel HIGHLY unmotivated to leave the house to go out around people (or put myself out there on the internet), but still have the desire to be w/ a man

how is a man going to pursue me

ha 
.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

tea111red said:


> what should i do if i hardly leave the house and feel HIGHLY unmotivated to leave the house to go out around people (or put myself out there on the internet), but still have the desire to be w/ a man
> 
> how is a man going to pursue me
> 
> ...


Aww yeah you need to make yourself available I always tell you that lol. But really all in God's timing. You'll know when the "one" comes along trust me. He will pursue you.

Could be at work, at the store, etc.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I can't ****ing stand gender policing. There is no need to critcise the guys who don't do x, y, z because they're not for you go find someone compatible you know? Same in reverse.


Word.



komorikun said:


> I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand you are more likely to get a guy who is *really into you *if he was the one that pursued you. I think a lot of times if the woman does the pursuing, then some guys will respond positively but just cause they don't have anything going on at the time. Maybe they haven't gotten laid in a real long time. So even if they say yes, they could still not be all that interested. He might have wishy-washy feelings about you and just be in it for the time being until a woman more to his liking comes along. So that just wastes the woman's time and in the end she will feel hurt.
> 
> On the other hand, speaking from experience, 90% of the guys that have hit on me (outside of nightclubs) were not my type. So if I want to get a guy that *I'm really into * then I have to make the first move. The ones that I pine for don't hit on me


That's a pretty universal risk, though, not really a gendered one. You are always taking a gamble, approaching or being approached, that the person you're interacting with has the same goals and intentions that you do.

@tehuti88 Some people really suck. :squeeze I _completely_ understand your fear. :/ I'd assure you there are genuine, caring, patient people out there; but I know that, without some surefire litmus test to suss them out _before_ you have a chance to get emotionally invested, it's of little comfort. I'm sorry :/


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## Gloaming (Aug 1, 2017)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Another reason to dislike Christianity I suppose (not really I was already aware of that kind of attitude to things obviously.)
> 
> I can't ****ing stand gender policing. There is no need to critcise the guys who don't do x, y, z because they're not for you go find someone compatible you know? Same in reverse.


Yeah, the ridiculously strict adherence to gender roles was one of the things I really disliked even when I was quite religious. I pretty much hate it now. It always struck me as so unnecessary and confining. Like you said, if a certain trait doesn't appeal to you, you can literally just move along and find someone without that trait. There are all kinds of people. This weird demand that _everyone_ fits your preferred gendered behavior is so weird to me.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Ai said:


> That's a pretty universal risk, though, not really a gendered one. You are always taking a gamble, approaching or being approached, that the person you're interacting with has the same goals and intentions that you do.


It is gendered because men are more likely than women to want sex with someone they aren't interested in.

I do suppose some women do say yes to a few dates with a guy even though they have wishy washy feelings about him. They wouldn't be doing it to get easy sex though.


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## alienbird (Apr 9, 2010)

komorikun said:


> It is gendered because men are more likely than women to want sex with someone they aren't interested in.
> 
> I do suppose some women do say yes to a few dates with a guy even though they have wishy washy feelings about him. They wouldn't be doing it to get easy sex though.


Yeah, a man might say yes to a woman asking him out just because she's an available woman. Maybe he's not all that attracted to her, but meh she'll do for now.

With the way sex roles are, it makes sense for men to be the pursuers and even for women to hold back a little bit. Sure, a woman might use a man for a free meal, money, or whatever, but I see that as less personal than being used for sex.

I would never ask a guy out. If someone is ever interested in me, they can find a way to show me, or else it wasn't meant to be.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

Kevin001 said:


> Aww yeah you need to make yourself available I always tell you that lol. But really all in God's timing. You'll know when the "one" comes along trust me. He will pursue you.
> 
> Could be at work, at the store, etc.


lol, you suggested i turn away from the only person that's pursued me in years (i might be 80 before this happens again).

i've barely done anything to get him to, what appears to be, pursue me.

should this mean anything

have i just been reading things wrong and been lead down a wrong or delusional path

:lol

:stu


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

komorikun said:


> It is gendered because men are more likely than women to want sex with someone they aren't interested in.
> 
> I do suppose some women do say yes to a few dates with a guy even though they have wishy washy feelings about him. They wouldn't be doing it to get easy sex though.


Disinterested sex isn't the only way to take advantage of someone, though.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Grand said:


> Yeah, a man might say yes to a woman asking him out just because she's an available woman. Maybe he's not all that attracted to her, but meh she'll do for now.
> 
> With the way sex roles are, it makes sense for men to be the pursuers and even for women to hold back a little bit. Sure, a woman might use a man for a free meal, money, or whatever, but I see that as less personal than being used for sex.
> 
> I would never ask a guy out. If someone is ever interested in me, they can find a way to show me, or else it wasn't meant to be.


Yeah, and I don't see how it's all that easy to get expensive stuff out of men unless you know the guy is wealthy and generous. Most of the time you might get a free $25 meal and a couple cocktails. Big whoopty-doo. Personally being on a date with a man I'm not attracted to ruins my enjoyment of the meal, so I wouldn't bother. Plus it's a time waster. I'd rather be at home posting on SAS.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Kevin001 said:


> Aww yeah you need to make yourself available I always tell you that lol. But really all in God's timing. You'll know when the "one" comes along trust me. He will pursue you.
> 
> Could be at work, at the store, etc.


Yeh, that's really bad advice though, because there isn't any guarantee anyone will. Same advice for male SA sufferers, if you want to find someone, work on your SA and get out in the world. Sitting at home and waiting for the lord to bring a man into your life isn't going to work.

Men do approach, because they have to, but they aint gonna approach if they can't see you, no matter how much you pray.

As an experiment, sit at home tomorrow and pray, and see if the lord brings even a loaf of bread to your house. If he can't even deliver that, he aint gonna deliver the perfect partner.


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## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

tehuti88 said:


> ...And yeah, seems like _every single guy_ I've ever crushed on/shown interest in ends up getting in a relationship within weeks of me giving up trying to get his attention. Just amazing. :sigh


:O You too?! I thought it was only me this happened to.


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## greentea33 (Mar 4, 2014)

I have and i will again. mwahaha

Probably a hundred more times, actually.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

tea111red said:


> lol, you suggested i turn away from the only person that's pursued me in years (i might be 80 before this happens again).
> 
> i've barely done anything to get him to, what appears to be, pursue me.
> 
> ...


The person has a gf right? If you want to be with someone that has a gf already than do you lol.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

splendidbob said:


> Yeh, that's really bad advice though, because there isn't any guarantee anyone will. Same advice for male SA sufferers, if you want to find someone, work on your SA and get out in the world. Sitting at home and waiting for the lord to bring a man into your life isn't going to work.
> 
> Men do approach, because they have to, but they aint gonna approach if they can't see you, no matter how much you pray.
> 
> As an experiment, sit at home tomorrow and pray, and see if the lord brings even a loaf of bread to your house. If he can't even deliver that, he aint gonna deliver the perfect partner.


Yeah definitely get out there but I would advise not to pursue, looks desperate. If I was girl I definitely wouldn't want a guy that didn't make the first move. Hell I have SA and I always make the first move lol.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

iAmCodeMonkey said:


> Even though I am a male, hear me out:
> 
> I don't really see a problem with women doing the initial approaching if they are into that sort of thing.


I second that.

Most women pursue me, more than the other way around, although I do some pursuing, too. Got to. If I'm not interested enough to pursue them, why should they bother with me?


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> :O You too?! I thought it was only me this happened to.


 @tehuti88

Are you telling me that you have this super power and you don't go around crushing on everyone here?


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

I am suspicious of the poll results. I am not saying there should be more or less votes in "Yes" or "No" but the fact that there are almost twice the amount of "female" voters compared to men seems fishy.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Your opinions are ridiculous. If you like someone it may be difficult to approach them if you have SA but you should regardless of gender. And it's hardly out of the question since many women on this site have pursued guys they were interested in.


Thanks for your insightful comments. But please tell me something, if you don't mind. What gender are you?


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

TheWelshOne said:


> :O You too?! I thought it was only me this happened to.


I actually have a running joke in my head that all I need to do is crush on a foreveralone guy here and he'll get a girlfriend in no time. :sigh Sorry you're experiencing the same thing, it's a lousy feeling.



Ominous Indeed said:


> @*tehuti88*
> 
> Are you telling me that you have this super power and you don't go around crushing on everyone here?


See the above. :/ I don't crush on _everyone_, but SAS is the only place I socialize, so most of my crushes in the past several years have taken place here. And yep, as far as I can remember almost all of them ended up getting a girlfriend. (I think at least one broke up with her later on, but still. He's probably found someone else by now. Now that I think of it, it seems most of them don't remain active on the site for very long after, even if they were regulars before. Maybe they're too busy with the relationship.)

I was in a thread just a day or so ago and saw a user I have a mild (and completely irrational, since I don't know much about him) crush on, mentioning another woman he seems to have developed a relationship with...hadn't even known he was interested in someone...that got me feeling depressed the rest of the day.

I know, it's dumb. Still hurts. Especially lately.


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## Xenacat (Oct 20, 2015)

Just from my personal experience it works better for me to let them (men) approach me. I get excited when I meet a man I like and I have been told before I’m too aggressive - and this by a guy that approached me. I try to play it cool now but it is hard for me. My male friend said “I don’t have time to play games like that”. I think the guy who said I was too aggressive, he liked the way I acted when I didn’t seem interested but once it was obvious I was he was no longer interested. My longest relationship he approached me but it was pretty obvious I liked him as well.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Kevin001 said:


> Yeah definitely get out there but I would advise not to pursue, looks desperate. If I was girl I definitely wouldn't want a guy that didn't make the first move. Hell I have SA and I always make the first move lol.


Well, I guess there is approaching (going up to and speaking to) and persuing, which might involve more subtleties (a lingering bit of eye contact for example). Not doing the latter, and just sitting and waiting isn't going to get guys approaching though. If I were in the wandering up to women and approaching business I wouldn't do so completely cold, I would wait for one to give me the green light at least.

Those are "first moves" imo, even if they aren't approaching. Whether that communication is body language or words eh, maybe it isn't the huge difference a lot of people make it out to be. And I don't really buy the whole "if the woman approaches the guy won't be interested" deal, because women do initiate with body languages and glances. It might be easy for them (and the guy) to convince themselves the mel is the one initiating, but really its the femel.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Ms kim said:


> Thanks for your insightful comments. But please tell me something, if you don't mind. What gender are you?


Usually all the¹ ones associated with snakes.. But reams of text probably isn't interesting to you, so let's go down the comic book route and bring this into the Millennial era- eh, well, sort of:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/LpEU9RJKwR...xTevEN8uf8RZieK5yPY5_BGji6QYFQsoGgO9UVs2e2=s0

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/CsJT0bzBbX...LSyTbnBZE-EjCkFAf60EIeIrsS7NefVDt0sisuqsLk=s0

On a good day, anyway.

I mean not the end of the world part, we should probably attempt to avoid that.

1. I mean I didn't want to be literally Satan once upon a time, but culture eh? It didn't give me many role models.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Usually all the ones associated with snakes.. But reams of text probably isn't interesting to you, so let's go down the comic book route and bring this into the Millennial era- eh, well, sort of:
> 
> http://2.bp.blogspot.com/LpEU9RJKwR...xTevEN8uf8RZieK5yPY5_BGji6QYFQsoGgO9UVs2e2=s0
> 
> ...


Persephone what links are you sending me to? Are you trying to crash my phone? I don't trust you


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Ms kim said:


> Persephone what links are you sending me to? Are you trying to crash my phone? I don't trust you


Just click the blogspot links. I have no idea whether any of these sites are optimised for mobile or not because I posted that on PC.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Just click the blogspot links. I have no idea whether any of these sites are optimised for mobile or not because I posted that on PC.


Sooo...you're a man who transforms into a woman? But deep in your soul there is a war going on because you want to transform back into being a man?


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm pretty sure plenty of women in the real world have made the first move, whether they ask a guy out or started flirting, sending them signals to let them know they are interested in them. Not sure why others feel like these women should be ashamed.
Maybe they are upset because men don't approach them so they label these guys as cowards so they can feel better about themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

thomasjune said:


> I'm pretty sure plenty of women in the real world have made the first move, whether they ask a guy out or started flirting, sending them signals to let them know they are interested in them. Not sure why others feel like these women should be ashamed.
> Maybe they are upset because men don't approach them so they label these guys as cowards so they can feel better about themselves.


Pretty much! :lol :haha


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

For a guy that’s insecure/less confident sometimes a gal making the initial move can actually be the boost he needs to then show her his true interest but I get why a lot of gals would see a guy not making a move as a lack of interest whether it is or not. 

I was asked out by a gal once via her friend who was also a gal & honestly I wish it happened more often but western tradition is for an interested guy to make a move or lose his chance


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## HiddenFathoms (Jul 18, 2017)

Never asked a guy out. BUT, I have actively demonstrated that interest was welcome or that I had romantic feelings - so that they could feel free to ask me - without having to be concerned about possible rejection.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Ms kim said:


> Sooo...you're a man who transforms into a woman? But deep in your soul there is a war going on because you want to transform back into being a man?












OK I can't actually answer your question (and believe me you don't want me to continue trying.)

Well no I'm not mtftm/circumgender I feel sorry for them because 99.9% of people are never going to understand that at all.

I love that I actually have a song to post for that though. I have one I can post for ****ing everything. Well almost everything.


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## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Well no I'm not *mtftm/circumgender* I feel sorry for them because 99.9% of people are never going to understand that at all.


I don't really look into gender stuff as I am cis and am pretty indifferent about my own gender but wow never heard of that before. Interesting. I wonder how people end up feeling that way about themselves, idk if that came out bad but... how people finally find that word/concept and realize that it fits them but not having a word for it before... what their life was like before that moment is what I'm curious about I guess. Also wonder what kind of dysphoria they experience...

Anyway, wrong thread for this I guess


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

roxslide said:


> I don't really look into gender stuff as I am cis and am pretty indifferent about my own gender but wow never heard of that before. Interesting. I wonder how people end up feeling that way about themselves, idk if that came out bad but... how people finally find that word/concept and realize that it fits them but not having a word for it before... what their life was like before that moment is what I'm curious about I guess. Also wonder what kind of dysphoria they experience...
> 
> Anyway, wrong thread for this I guess


I came across this before I actually came across a term for it actually but the word I found more recently (also I think 'mtftm and ftmtf' are also used for anyone who decides to de-transistion for any reason so that gets more confusing.)

I think what happens is they try too hard to align themselves with the way most people see gender which (assuming they acknowledge transpeople at all,) is something like: female + feminine + transfeminine or male + masculine + transmasculine and realise that they don't fit that but try to force themselves into it anyway. Something similar but not the same would be like when you relate more to androgynous or feminine guys, but you're faab or androgynous or masculine women but you're maab. Which would describe me sort of, but I'm not far enough in either direction ever that those people are coming out as binary trans 99.9% of the time and I would never have made a strange connection like that. But I don't know, I'm getting a headache thinking about it now. I found this discussion just now though by Googling which might interest you:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/...umgender-afab-trans-woman-and-amab-trans-man/

Edit: Yeah this is so off topic lol. I have outdone myself.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Myosr said:


> Did you just call everyone gay? :lol


Ah no, the next sentence should have been a paragraph, thus it was going back to the main topic, women sitting indoors waiting for the lord to deliver them a hunky provider (or whatever the lord dictated men should be when we got our last message from him 2000 years ago).


* *




Yes


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## Liviboo (Oct 9, 2017)

I am only 15 and I have never asked a boy out and I guess I am super lucky because I have the greatest boy that did ask me out even though he knew all the health issues I have. He is a very special one. So I voted no because I have never asked a boy out.


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## JaegerLover217 (Feb 23, 2016)

the poll results don't surprise me


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## I cannot (Oct 14, 2017)

My relationships have always started with mutually approaching each other and seeing how things went. I've never pursued a someone who wasn't obviously giving signs back, and when I have been actively pursued by someone I find it a major turn off.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

JaegerLover217 said:


> the poll results don't surprise me


Now read the posts to see why the women replied the way they did.

And also recall this is a site for people with social anxiety disorder.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

tehuti88 said:


> Now read the posts to see why the women replied the way they did.
> 
> And also recall this is a site for people with social anxiety disorder.


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## Crisigv (Aug 3, 2013)

No, I've never approached a guy, nor him me tbh. I wouldn't want to embarrass the guy.


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## ebrown16 (Oct 19, 2017)

Im going through the same things the guys im interested in go silent when i want to go out in public but are in love we we are in the house


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## Throwaway157728 (Oct 22, 2017)

splendidbob said:


> Yeh, that's really bad advice though, because there isn't any guarantee anyone will. Same advice for male SA sufferers, if you want to find someone, work on your SA and get out in the world. Sitting at home and waiting for the lord to bring a man into your life isn't going to work.
> 
> Men do approach, because they have to, but they aint gonna approach if they can't see you, no matter how much you pray.
> 
> As an experiment, sit at home tomorrow and pray, and see if the lord brings even a loaf of bread to your house. If he can't even deliver that, he aint gonna deliver the perfect partner.


lol preach.


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