# Bad puns (because they're awesome)



## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

Part deux:

The hot dog vendor gives the Buddhist his hot dog. The Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

Ready To Freak Out said:


> Part deux:
> 
> The hot dog vendor gives the Buddhist his hot dog. The Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"
> 
> The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."


From within what? Ourselves? Woah, that's deep :|


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

BetaBoy90 said:


> From within what? Ourselves? Woah, that's deep :|


Hot dog vendor puns usually are.


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Did you hear about the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison? Police are warning there's a small medium at large.

It's tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


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## David777 (Feb 6, 2011)

Why did the pony have a sore throat?

Because he was a little hoarse.

~Fozzy, Muppet Babies~


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

This gotta be the funniest thread on sas imo. 
It makes me question my sense of humor... 

"I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel."

"I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach
the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'"

"Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball."


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## crsohr (Dec 30, 2010)

Nice thread Ready To Freak Out, I'm not even ashamed to say I laughed at every joke so far. I'm like a kid.

My dad thinks he's a doctor he keeps telling me to stop playing with his patience.
A cocky man walked into the lavatory and said this: 'Dear mr. toilet, I'm the S***'.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

1000 pairs of underwear were stolen, police were making a brief enquiry.

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Can't elope.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

And a long one: 

Leonard Bernstein was directing the New York Symphony for a special outdoor concert in Central Park of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. He was worried about the open air acoustics, so he hired three extra bass players, just to play a soft passage in the last movement. The musicians had nothing to do until their part came up, so they sneaked away to a Tavern and were drinking, while listening to the music. The wind began to blow the sheet music around. so the musicians took extra violin strings and lashed it to the stands. The bass players heard the last movement began and hurried back to the orchestra. They so drunk and clumsy that they bumped into the other players and knocked over chairs.
There he was, in the bottom of the ninth, the score tied and the basses loaded...


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

David777 said:


> Why did the pony have a sore throat?
> 
> Because he was a little hoarse.
> 
> ~Fozzy, Muppet Babies~


:clap


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## mixtape (Dec 18, 2010)

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" 

Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

Ready To Freak Out said:


> A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."


Wow, I hella lol'd at that.


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

mixtape said:


> Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
> 
> "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
> 
> ...


lol! -.-"


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

What building has more than 300 stories and no elevator?

A library.

_Source: Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel_


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.


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## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: It was feeling crummy.

ha, my favorite one


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...


They had a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift.
Plate Tectonics won by a land slide.

My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn't a free mason.


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## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

Wow. I love this thread so far . lol these are fun!


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## zookeeper (Jun 3, 2009)

All I did in August was build an instrument. It was a dull summer.

A kitchen exploded in France, causing Linoleum Blownapart.

:teeth

****, I love puns.


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## Matthewop (Feb 22, 2011)

haha pretty good buddy!


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## Johny (Dec 21, 2010)

I have no puns but I thought this belongs here.


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## Johny (Dec 21, 2010)

Holy I think I killed the thread, here's a pun/bad pick up line an economist might say,
"My fiscal policy is all about contributing to your private sector."


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## zookeeper (Jun 3, 2009)

We're making new condom packages at work and needed some catchy sayings to print on them. Here's some of the more best ones (that I can post here ). They're pun-esque.

- Cover your stump before you hump
- Wrap it before you tap it
- When in doubt, shroud your spout
- You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
- If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
- If you go into heat, package your meat
- Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
- Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
- Cloak the joker before you poke her
- Cape your throbber before you bob her
- Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
- Sock that wanger before you bang her
- Contain the viper before you pipe her

I imagine there could be a whole other series that rhyme with "him."

(crosses fingers they get to stay up)


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## stylicho (Nov 8, 2003)

Girl-Im tired of your sexual innuendos.
Guy-Id like to get in your endo


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## Catherine Cavatica (Feb 2, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> We're making new condom packages at work and needed some catchy sayings to print on them. Here's some of the more best ones (that I can post here ). They're pun-esque.
> 
> - Cover your stump before you hump
> - Wrap it before you tap it
> ...


^^^^^^^
hahaha awesome!!:teeth:rofl:lol:b


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## Debbiexoxoxo (Feb 1, 2011)

some people think its funny when your nose is wet and runny

but its snot


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

What's brown and sticky?





A stick!!!!


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two vultures get ready to board an aeroplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

A couple of strings walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, but we don't serve your kind here."

The strings walk out of the bar and sit on the curb, feeling rather thirsty. Then one string says to the other, "I have an idea."

He starts twisting and turning and pulling at his threads here and there and he walks back into the bar. 

The bartender kinda looks at him and says, "say, you're not a bit of string are ya?"

The string says, "no, I'm a frayed knot."

wah wah wah wahhhhhhh


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## Salus (Feb 27, 2011)

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this
taste funny to you?”


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## Salus (Feb 27, 2011)

Ready To Freak Out said:


> What's brown and sticky?
> 
> A stick!!!!


What's pink and fluffy?

PINK FLUFF

LOL


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## Shannanigans (Feb 27, 2011)

Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel?
He woke up exhausted and tired.


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## zookeeper (Jun 3, 2009)

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

Ressurrecting this thread, because - as mentioned in the title - puns are awesome. Soooooo...

Puns are words pregnant with meaning, ie. they have a pun in the oven.


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## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm lost


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

Jcgrey said:


>


...I'm confused?


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