# Alienated from Family???



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

I was wondering how many others face seemingly unsolvable issues with their intermediate family. 

I come from a rather large family actually, four sisters. Of those four three live across the country and have since I was a youngster so my relationships with them are pretty nonexistent. 

The other sister and I have recently had a complete implosion of our relationship which I once thought to be close. However, that has gone by the wayside, and the worst part is I really am not sure why, but that is too long of a story to go into here. She has determined that she cannot talk to me anymore because I do not share her right wing Christian fundamentalist views or so she says.

My relationship with my parents is barely existent. They have little to do with any of us kids, and have been estranged from my sisters back east for many years. I live in another state from them but have gone back to visit and call them every so often. I was also there when my mom had heart surgery over a year ago. But they would never come visit me. I should note its only my mom I talk to, never my dad.

The recent problems with the one sister I had left have left me feeling really horrible. I feel like I have no family at all anymore-- well I do have my husband and son but I mean my sisters and parents -- and I just hate that. Its not normal. Its so dysfunctional and sad.

Is there anyone else out there that comes from some complicated jacked up family like mine that is so splintered??? If so, how do you deal with it?? Esp having SA, if I had some tight knit group of friends that were like family I am sure I wouldnt feel so bad......

I realize this is a much longer post than most care to read but anyone who makes it all the way through and can give me some advice on how to get over this would be greatly appreciated.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Your post was painful to read because it reminds me of my situation. Slowly my family contacts are being whittled down to my next oldest brother and my Mom. I used to become depressed over this but unlike you, I have concrete reasons for the disharmony. Maybe you can talk to your Mom and approach the subject of why your family isn't closer. It might give you understanding, if not comfort. Anyway, it makes me value the few relationships outside my family more. Thanks for sharing this post.

:thanks


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## Amelia (Nov 24, 2003)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Penny. Maybe your three sisters and parents are not only involved in their own lives but feel that they would be intruding in yours/each others if they contacted you/each other more often? If you want more contact, perhaps you could try to build the relationships back up through e-mail/handwritten letters and a phone call (a handwritten letter should be well appreciated by anyone, as it shows that you have actually devoted time and thought to the person), ask them how they are doing, whether they are keeping well, how their children are, tell them that you'd like to hear from them because you are interested in how they are, say you'd love to hear from them and see them more often (make it clear that you want to hear from them because you're interested in them and don't make it sound as if it's because you're annoyed at them for ignoring you). I'm sorry that the other sister's beliefs have affected your relationship. I suppose you can only leave the door open and hope she has a change of heart.

Not all families are close. I can tell from my own. My mom's side of the family are fairly close, but my dad's aren't. Given any opportunity to meet up/contact each other, the automatic reaction is "no". Both my parents are reserved. My mom had an opportunity to see a relative who had travelled all the way from New Zealand last year, but she decided not to meet them. I don't have siblings or any friends who live nearby, so my only real contact is my parents. We phone once a week, and I visit them a couple times a year, but they don't visit me. I e-mail with my mom. My father has always been very reserved and sometimes doesn't come to the phone. But I'm glad to have the contact with them I do, because they won't be around for ever.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

I had two brothers, but am down to one that's still alive.

I haven't seen him since January. He only lives 75 miles away and every visit (now quite rare) seems to revolve entirely around what we can do for him. Even the Catholic Church reluctantly accepted that they're not the center of the universe; my brother has yet to accept the unisvere doesn't revolve around him.

The last two times he was here I came very close to physically throwing him out of the house because he was such a royal pain in the ***.

He almost got tossed from the car on the way to our brother's memorial service as he complained that the passenger seat lacks adequate lumbar support. If we hadn't been going to a once in a lifetime (or deathtime) event his *** would have been left at the curb as this is hardly the first time he's complained endlessly while I had to drive him. You try to be nice by giving him the ride he asks for (more like demands) and he still whines. I've had to drop him off & pick him up at the Amtrak station many times. Once I had to pick him up at a train station 45 miles away at 2 AM -- how many people would do that? He brings an insane amount of luggage and then refuses to wear a seat belt because "there isn't enough room" -- in an Impala that's only the largest car GM makes! If the spacious trunk fails to accomodate your luggage it's because you take too f'ing much. If he pulled that one again, his majesty & his luggage would be at the curb with a suggestion that he get a limo that might be more suitable for his most demanding needs of space & luxury.

Then one time he was endlessly complaining & distracting me so much while I was driving that I went through a red light as I didn't notice it with my attention focused on him. Then he has nerve enough to complain about my poor driving that results from his complaining in the first place! He nearly ended up left in Illinois in that case.

I've had it with him and his ridiculous demands. He's made me type his French homework on my computer as he doesn't know how to type. Yeah, well take a damn typing class instead of French then. You're a hell of a lot more likely to meet a keyboard than a guy who speaks French. Then he complains that my spellchecker doesn't do French. Gee, imagine that -- on an English computer made for the American market.

I have set a zero tolerance policy from now on. Any more crap from him and he can go to hell. I'm not going to kiss his royal *** ever again.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate it.

I was considering checking my insurance to see how much counseling or something like that it covers. I have fairly good insurance and it MUST cover some kind of counseling. I want to resolve this in my mind settle it one way or another (which I HAVE done with my parents, I accept them for how they are and I KNOW its not my fault so I okay with that for the most part). I could use some professional advice on this, not to mention, my depression (not horrible but continuously recurring) and SA. I have never spoken to a therapist. Can't hurt right???

Anyway thanks again for the replies.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

Over the past couple of years i've sought support outside of my family. They are toxic and are getting worse as the years go by, BUT, they all live here so I go to family functions a lot. You don't have to respect them, like them, or put any stock into your family. I think thats where we mess up because we believe since they're our family, well they deserve all those things. Think about it, wouldn't you rather hand pick people in your life who will give you what you need? We just ended up surrounded by these people. 

I will addend this to say, in crisis, they are there and are a good thing to have, (and believe me they will NEVER let you forget what they do for you) but for every day stuff or when you need a friend, a shoulder, its just judgement, gossip, labeling and hurting. Just find people outside of your family, thats all.


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## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

I'm sorry, Penny 

The only people in my family I am close to are my parents. I only have one sister and she rarely comes around unless she wants something.
We do not talk to my dad's side of the family anymore, and I do not get along with my mom's siblings because they walk all over her. I worry about what is going to happen once my parents are gone...I will probably completely cut myself off from my family then.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I can relate. I would also describe my family as dysfunctional, but I think that everyone's is in some way. Some are just better at hiding it.


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