# My first real date and kiss. But I don't think it was a triumph.



## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

The events are continued from here: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/i-really-need-help-with-this-girl-156021/

I texted her in the morning to ask if she was on campus, she said no and will be there in the evening. I said ok and wished her luck on her calc test.
Anyway I met her in the evening at the library to review for our class and there were two of my other friends there sitting with her. They were having an argument about religion or something. I didn't really interrupt cuz I felt like I didn't have a need.

Later we all walked to class and I didn't talk to her on the way there cuz the other two guys were mostly talking. In class right before the test she texted me to say "good luck" and I did the same. Then she asked if I was doing anything after. I said no (at this point my heart was pounding cuz I knew it was now or never :afr), I asked her the same and she also had no plans. Also she was going on vacation to South America on Friday so I needed to get moving. So I suggested that we do something. She said ok and it will probably take her a while to finish and I said that I would be waiting outside.

At the outside, I met my other two friends in class and they were joking about how easy it was. She came out and we stood there talking to them for a while. After 5 mins or so I said bye to them and that I'll probably see them on campus sometime and shook their hands. We left and went to the parking lot and she asked what I wanted to do, I suggested we go to a local coffee shop that was not Starbucks. At this point, one of the guys texted me saying, "Kiss her already!", and I lol'ed. She was like what was that and I said nothing. She told me that store had moved and I said probably because I hadn't been there in a couple years. She looked it up on her gps and found it so told me to follow her. I did and when we got there we found that it was the wrong address. We looked for a while but didn't find the cafe. She said we might as well go to Starbucks and I said ok so I followed her again. There was a bunch of traffic and we eventually got there.

We had reached there around 8:30 pm and I asked her what she wanted. Then after I got our coffee, I left it on the table couch cuz she had gone to the bathroom. When she got back we started talking and I felt like I had no anxiety around her. Her laugh, her smile, her beauty, her caring, empathetic and understanding nature had me more attracted to her. It was really easy I felt to express myself around her . Later a Starbucks employee tells me that the lounge will be closed and we can sit outside. We said ok, and resumed our conversation. We talked about everything from school, life, religion, philosophy, society, human nature, The Last Airbender lol. She was faced towards the sky so kept telling me how she saw shooting stars. Apparently she saw about 5. We talked this way for about 4 hours. At about 12:30 she said she had to leave, and that we should do this again sometime.

This was when in my mind I said, "Screw it just do it already" so I kissed her twice :kiss and she hugged me :hug. We both then left, and I kept feeling like it was a little awkward. On my way home, I kept telling myself I was an idiot and that I shouldn't have done that :doh. When I got home I texted her saying good night and good luck for her test next day. She said "lol thanks. did you mean to kiss me?" I said yeah and why. Then I was like, "Did you not want me to?" She replied by saying "I just met you. I'm sorry". At this point my heart sunk and I got a sinking feeling in my chest :dead. I then texted, "I'm sorry I didn't know what I was thinking."
I was felt an intense sadness that I couldn't explain and I felt like crying :cry.

Today morning I texted her saying, "I'm really sorry about last night. At the end I got really nervous and went blank. So I did the 1st thing that came to my head. I guess I had to be a total idiot and ruin it. I never intended to do so."
She texted me back, "Lol you didn't ruin it. And its impressive that you went for it. Most people just wait and nothing ever gets said or done about how they feel. So I'm not upset or anything. And that's never happened to me before. So no worries okay? Still friends "
I then replied, "Well that came as a relief  I thought you'd never want to talk to me anymore...anyway hope the test goes well for you."
She says, "Lol nah, that would be rude. Thanks!"
I then sent her a text saying, "I guess I felt like I needed to do it before some South American hunk did so". 
She lol'ed really hard.

I really feel like a total dumb*** and loser. WTF was I thinking??? I should have taken it slow, but I was scared that she would think I was a wuss for doing so. Now that's backfired. :fall
I really need help. Have I lost all hope with her? God f*** my life. Why did I have to be a complete idiot and do something stupid. Now I feel like I've lost her.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Idk, but the fact she texted you back, "still friends?" is a bit disconcerting. Maybe you shouldnt have apologized either, for expressing your feelings.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

She put the question in the sentence before. She said, " Still Friends"


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

pbandjam said:


> She put the question in the sentence before. She said, " Still Friends"


Do you want to be her friend, or more than a friend?


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

I want to be more than a friend...but is that possible? I don't have enough experiences with girls or know anything about relationships so I feel its really hard for me at this point with her.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

pbandjam said:


> I want to be more than a friend...but is that possible? I don't have enough experiences with girls or know anything about relationships so I feel its really hard for me at this point with her.


Her reaction to you kissing her was for possibly 2 reasons:

-she only sees you as a friend
-she wants to get to know you better first

If you like the girl, by all means keep contacting her. I think she knows with the actions you displayed, that you like her more than a friend. Thats good. The question is, does she feel the same way? Truthfully only time will tell. She can either be flattered and intrigued, or burdened and confused right now. Good luck.


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## Lmatic3030 (Nov 3, 2011)

Don't beat yourself up. Maybe as you spend more time with her a romantic relationship will develop.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

Lmatic3030 said:


> Don't beat yourself up. Maybe as you spend more time with her a romantic relationship will develop.


But that's the thing though. After she comes back from vacation I feel like she's going to move on with her life and forget that I ever existed.


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## mike285 (Aug 21, 2010)

This is a triumph even though it didn't go exactly as planned. Despite feeling so nervous about it, you still went for something you wanted. Definitely keep putting yourself out there like that. She won't forget about you. She probably just wants to take things slower...Btw, nice avatar. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is so funny.


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## jpb (Dec 12, 2011)

Better to err on the side of boldness. I would rather go for it and get the "just friends" line than to hold myself back and always wonder. I know it sucks for now, but this really is a triumph. I say let her go to South America, try to forget your romantic feelings, and move on to someone else. Evaluate what you've learned from this and then move forward. Work on timing (let things develop further), and perhaps don't be so available in the future... that's the surest way to get locked in the friend zone, in my experience.


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## LeftyFretz (Feb 12, 2011)

Ehhhhhhhh sounds like you made out of it ok. Future reference, don't send a text like that in the morning again. Let her think and dwell about it. Instead say like "Hey I had fun with you last night, we should hang again". 

I def know what you're talking about when you don't feel like you did the right thing. Just don't fret over it and go with the flow. If she doesn't like you in the long run, then it's whatever. Talk to other people as well.


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## alex9498 (Aug 15, 2011)

I think thats really amazing how you were brave enough to kiss her!! I don't see you how you did anything stupid. In my opinion you would be alot worse off if you had done nothing.


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## tardisblue (Dec 4, 2011)

Don't overthink it. This is a triumph for you. You went for it and maybe it didn't work out exactly as you thought, but you tried and learned something. Forget the girl. From the sound of it, you probably won't get anywhere further with her. It was probably too early to go for the kiss, but who cares. It's a learning opportunity.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

So what exactly is it? Do I forget her (which seems incredibly hard to do at this point) or keep in contact. Today I have an exam, so should I send a text asking if she has one too when I'm on campus? Do I send a final text telling her to have a fun trip or just ignore her over the next two days?

How do I make it known that I'm still into her without seeming too desperate. Should I just never say anything to her again unless she first contacts me. 

Everyone keeps thinking it was easy for me to do this. It wasn't, in fact it was anything but. Never before have things aligned so well with a girl for me. I'm not the kind of person who goes around talking to every girl I'm interested in.


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## JudgeDreddlikescookies (Dec 13, 2011)

ask her out again and preferably do it in person not text


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## mr hoang (Aug 14, 2011)

Great story, I think you did fine for the most part. It's just the excessive apologizing. I would stop texting her until the last day before she leaves. You might be showing too much interest too fast. Just go with the flow. Give her the gift of missing you.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

mr hoang said:


> Great story, I think you did fine for the most part. It's just the excessive apologizing. I would stop texting her until the last day before she leaves. You might be showing too much interest too fast. Just go with the flow. Give her the gift of missing you.


Well too late now. I already did so before seeing this. I asked her how she did on the exams and wished her a good holiday. She told me she wasn't gonna have texting so to add her on facebook.

I guess I kept apologizing because I hate it when people are uncomfortable especially if its due to me. I'll probably add her on fb but am not gonna send any messages while she's there. I think you guys are right I'm just going to have to forget her. From now on I'm not going to do anything unless she does it first.


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## mr hoang (Aug 14, 2011)

Are you saying you made her uncomfortable by kissing her? It sounds to me like, in the end she was glad you did it. Hence " it's never happened to me before, and she was impressed that you went for it". I think you have something good going. You made your move, now the balls in her court. Lol


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

mr hoang said:


> Are you saying you made her uncomfortable by kissing her? It sounds to me like, in the end she was glad you did it. Hence " it's never happened to me before, and she was impressed that you went for it". I think you have something good going. You made your move, now the balls in her court. Lol


Actually no I don't think I made her uncomfortable. Right after I kissed her, she had a smile on her face and did the cute laugh that she always does lol. I got the uncomfortable vibe when she texted me saying, "I just met you. I'm sorry" line. I'm not sure what she meant by "never happened before" because she had broken up with her bf a couple months back. So she's obviously kissed guys right? I'm guessing no one has kissed her on the first date yet :huh


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Hey bud, you did good! Dont worry about what you think you did wrong. That wont help any. Instead, be pround of yourself for being assertive...that you broke out of your comfort zone into uncharted territory. Thats a step in the right direction, so props to you. 

I agree with everyone else...dont expect anything to happen. Not because you did anything wrong...but because you can't control her emotions, so there's no sense in getting worked up over it, you know? Do your own thing and dont put your life on hold for this girl, but that doesnt mean that you shouldnt stay in contact with her. She sounds like a sweetheart, so keep up the communication and keep a cool and level head. Don't hump her leg like a puppy dog....give her time to digest things and make up her own mind.


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## New2LA (Dec 18, 2011)

Dude you did good! Better to be bold than be a *****. Good job man.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks guys I really appreciate it


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## New2LA (Dec 18, 2011)

pbandjam said:


> Thanks guys I really appreciate it


I'm serious. It's way better. Now you know what you did wrong and the next time you are in the situation you can wait for the right time to go in for the kiss. Would you rather have been too aggressive or what if you KNEW she wanted you to kiss her but you chickened out. I know I would feel way worse if the latter happened to me.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

"kissed twice" you mean the "the big tong kiss" ??


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

forex said:


> "kissed twice" you mean the "the big tong kiss" ??


Lol no...not a french kiss. For the 1st time that would be too weird. Just on the lips.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

pbandjam said:


> Lol no...not a french kiss. For the 1st time that would be too weird. Just on the lips.


really lips :clap 
what iv'e seen for first dates its mostly the cheeks (date as introduction) or she showed some signs of wanting to kiss :b


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

Haha yeah, that's what I've usually seen too. She had a smile on her face right when I went for it. Also I wasn't wearing my glasses so couldn't see clearly (would've been more nervous if I was). 
I guess I felt like I needed to do it quick because I probably wouldn't have seen her before she went on vacation. I had to do something because I thought she might forget me after coming back. Now she's clearly going to remember what I did lol. 

Its also the signals she was giving. She was talking to me till 12:30 even though she had a major exam early in the morning. Before that she was the one who said she noticed me in class even though I hadn't (this was our first conversation). She would wait for me after class to talk to me. She sat next to me on our field trip even though there were other friends she had in class. So all this made it clear that she was interested. That's why I got the courage to do it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I would just wait it out and see - and CALL, don't text.


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## Snow Bunny (Jan 28, 2009)

I think she definately wanted to get to know you better first. Sounds like a similar situation with me I was like wooooah I like you but I'm not sure if I do in that way yet.
Just keep being her friend, sending texts and stuff. Give it more time.


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## Nothereanymore (Dec 20, 2011)

Two basic thoughts as I read through your posts....

1. The main thing people yell at me for is apologizing for things. Then you apologize, and then you feel like apologizing for apologizing, and you feel worse and worse as it goes. haha. People mess up, OR people just have their own personalities....try to get in the habit of NOT apologizing unless you really did something wrong...and if you do apologize, just leave it at that and go on. (Okay easier said than done, believe me, I know!)

2. I think a relationship will last longer if you base it on a good strong friendship and trust....she might trust you more if she doesn't feel like you want something physical from her. Girls love a good friend. At least for awhile. ;-) Which it sounds like you are!


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## New2LA (Dec 18, 2011)

Kita28 said:


> Two basic thoughts as I read through your posts....
> 
> 1. The main thing people yell at me for is apologizing for things. Then you apologize, and then you feel like apologizing for apologizing, and you feel worse and worse as it goes. haha. People mess up, OR people just have their own personalities....try to get in the habit of NOT apologizing unless you really did something wrong...and if you do apologize, just leave it at that and go on. (Okay easier said than done, believe me, I know!)


This times 100.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

She sounds like a nice girl actually. Awe, I would be super embarrassed too, but if at all possible try not to beat yourself up over it. Now you know.  She was impressed that you went for it too, right? Hang in there.


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

I think its really going to be awkward next semester cuz she is in one of my classes and I'm going to keep feeling like avoiding her. Also it's going to be hard for me to be her friend as I don't see her that way. As long as I have feelings for her that's gonna be impossible. I've never been friends with a girl whom I've seen as attractive either physically or psychologically.


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## nerdybunny (Nov 12, 2011)

pbandjam said:


> But that's the thing though. After she comes back from vacation I feel like she's going to move on with her life and forget that I ever existed.


Or it's possible that she could think about you the whole vacation. Don't avoid her when she gets back. This could be the start of something wonderful!


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## ohionick (Sep 4, 2011)

well dude, at least you can say you did it even if it wasn't great, i'd say thats a triumph, now a experience like that help you in future dating situations


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## Later (May 5, 2011)

Wow bravo  so much courage :')
You didn't do nothing wrong, each sentence / each step I've read was an accomplishment that helps to deal with your fears of social anxiety. I see a lot of incoming variety of advice that's great.. - but most importantly, do what your heart tells you

I liked this story  good luck


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

Everyone's support really helped me. I guess I'm not beating myself over this anymore. I just feel confused over how I feel about her now.


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## DrG (Jun 24, 2011)

As a girl, I would say not to dwell too much on her. A lot of times girls choose their words very carefully in texts, especially romantic based interactions. "Friends" is a rough one. Think of this in terms of a goal achieved. She shouldn't bare too much emotional significance since it doesn't seem far fetched that you'll get an opportunity with another girl. After all, she spent four hours with you. That means she saw something there and other girls are bound to see it too. 
She seems to respect you, so keep her on board friend-wise. She might lead to interactions with other females, which would be good practice even if it didn't lead to a relationship. Especially since she would probably have friends with similar values, interests, ect. 

This interaction, I think, was really good. You'll know more for next time!


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## lightsout (Jan 8, 2012)

I have to commend you dude for taking the "risk", regardless of how you feel about it in hindsight.

I also had a fast&complicated 'event' with a girl I was interested in. We had only hung out in a group setting back on Dec 17th & 22nd ( _seen_ her @ a large group event back near Halloween, but nothing in between) but all of a sudden the next TUE we traded texts all day, hung out (1-on-1) all day WED, text all day THUR, & hung out all day FRI (both hangouts initiated by her, and most of the text convos "kept up" by her). I actually *tried not to* give any sign I was into her (fearing it would come off as taking it too fast, *even though* I had a good feeling she was into me given how rapidly she was initiating all of this after not knowing each-other well). I texted her New Years eve asking if she was going to a mutual-friend's party, she said no (hanging at home w/parents). I "kept it cool" & didn't contact her Sunday (not seem pushy or w/e). Monday I texted her a reference to an inside joke from when we hung out. No answer. Tuesday I texted asking how her New Years went. No answer. I had my best friend do some investigating through mutual friends and he found out that she had (somehow) realized I was into her & did not feel the same way (& was too awkward/immature to let me know for days). I contacted her on Facebook last Saturday & she basically said she was sorry & she "hopes we can be friends". I expressed the same (even if I didn't honestly believe it), and we haven't talked since (or I doubt will, not anywhere in the near future at least). And as I was the "new guy" to the group I met her in, I probably won't be talking to those people either.

Summary -- focus on the strides you made. Also, I very much relate to your confusion over said person. I was angry that she was so inconsiderate in her communication (not that young people can't be mature, but she *did* just graduate high school -- which has me "wary" of getting interested in girls that much younger than me). But I still had (/have?) some feelings as well (ie: "she couldn't me too 'mean', because I liked her for a reason") despite the rejection --- that is, having a strong desire for the friend thing to work out & naively thinking we could get together down the road (hence me acting so nice & not letting her know how upset I was). And even different parts of me were worrying over what I had unconsciously did that let her figure out my feelings, or what about me she didn't find to be "boyfriend material" (as we had been having lots of laughs & fun times to begin with).


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## pbandjam (Sep 24, 2011)

Idk why she is doing this to me  I guess she doesn't even wanna be my friend no more. I've tried texting her and talking to her on fb but she seems really distant.


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## nlisamtsas (Jan 3, 2012)

girls can sense desperation and once they do its hard to come back from it. your obsessing over this chick in your mind after one tiny date and a few texts. u need to keep it really casual always and let it unfold naturally. like u ask her out one more time after the starbucks and if she doesnt get back to you then never speak to her again unless she speak to u first


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## The Professor (Jul 31, 2011)

pbandjam said:


> Idk why she is doing this to me  I guess she doesn't even wanna be my friend no more. I've tried texting her and talking to her on fb but she seems really distant.


Stop *****footing around what happened. Talk to her sometime after class and set things straight... tell her you want to continue being friends.

EDIT: wow why does it censor the word pusyfoot? It's kind of a legit word...


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## dezza (Dec 30, 2012)

you was being indecisive when you apologised about kissing her. If it's your intention to be with her then don't apologise, be the leader you ought to be. Just don't mess with her mind, otherwise she will probably get put off by you. Make things clear to set your foundation for a life long relationship, and then you can progress further with her. 

Be prepared for alot of work, and alot of dedication, if your ready to put on the big man's shoes then go for it. If not then don't even bother with her or any other woman for that matter until you know your ready. Otherwise your just going to have yours and her heart broken in the end. And I know you don't want that. 

Take care yeah.


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## andytenshi (Jan 21, 2012)

you shouldn't have apologized for the kiss. don't be self conscious about expressing yourself.


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## KentuckyFan (Dec 12, 2012)

should have kissed her and not apologized.


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## stinky (Oct 24, 2009)

dude whatever you have pretty big balls for kissing her either way. i'm inspired. when she comes back from south america, i doubt she'd remember about the apology or whatever, i think that stuff is long past. all she will care about is whether you guys are friends or if she has stronger feelings toward you.


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## reaal (Jul 15, 2011)

please do not ignore her next semester. just talk to her how you used to and ask her out on another date. if she says yes to another date, she obviously sees you as more than just friends.

you even said she smiled after you kissed her, im pretty sure that means she likes you dude, more than just friends. the only place you messed up was for apologizing too much, but even that is not that bad. just dont dwell or think on it, and pretend it never happened.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

She knows you like her. That's a triumph in itself. Give it more time and she'll turn around. Who knows, maybe next time she'll kiss you.


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## TakeOne (Jun 28, 2012)

Hey, you're the man for going for it! I did something similar in college and felt awkward about it afterward, but now I'm proud of myself for doing it.


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## essixo (Feb 3, 2013)

Personally, I think you did well by the way you spoke. Don't worry too much about it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

You guys do know that this date was over a year ago - December, 2011?

Why was this thread bumped?


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