# Am I aloof? Am I a mean friend?



## tinymirrorsanddoors (Sep 1, 2017)

Hey, I'm new to this forum here. I've been spying on it for months and now I feel like I've come to a point where I might as well join, in hopes that I can get some answers from people like myself. To give you guys a little background on who I am and how I function, I'm a recent 21-year-old and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at a young age. Over the past couple years of my life I'd say I've felt increasingly worse as far as friendships go. I started off college at age 19, and on the first day, a pretty girl in my class came up to me and said "hey, I think we'd be good friends." She was judging on my appearance alone, considering she had no clue who I was (I understand I say that like its a negative thing but again I think it gives proper context to this situation). I have a French bob haircut, I wear lots of bright lipstick, and vintage clothes. I noticed she was wearing red lipstick and I think she noticed that we had similar styles I guess, so I think that's where she was coming from. I just remember the way she initiated contact though, and how it made me feel like she was being very superficial. It made me anxious. What if she realizes that I'm so much more complicated than the bloody way I dress? Well, being curious and kind I accepted her approach to me. This could be good, right? I basically denied every fear in my body and went for it. 

I noticed she started talking veeeeeery pretentiously about music. It kinda drove me nuts in my head, it made me think, "oh God, she doesn't think I'm some hipster freak, does she? I can't relate to this." Mind you, I respect people's music taste, I get that they're fanatic about it, that's wonderful, great! But when you talk condescendingly like "I'm too cool for you because of my music taste" kinda talk, it kinda turns me off. Granted, I'm a HUGE fan of the band of Montreal. I can probably go on for days about how wonderful I think they are and how their music is way more innovative than what's on the radio most of the time. But I understand and respect that it's not for everybody and not everyone will agree with me, or see it the way I do. 
Anyway, this girl then immediately whips out her phone to take a selfie with me. THAT'S when a red flag goes up. This girl barely knows me! How does she know we're going to be compatible friends? Is this all about how I look? Isn't this a bit superficial? I remember feeling really forced into this friendship because I now know this girl sees me a certain way. Mind you, she didn't give a rat's *** about any of my interests when I tried to talk! 

Fast forward a few months, all the while during this friendship, it turned into a clique with the other girls in the class. They'd congregate and gossip about people or who they're sleeping with. To be fair I attributed to this as well, because when in social groups, I tend to conform in some ways socially in order to cope, even though I feel extremely disgusted and distant inside because I know it's not me. I'd try and bring up things I was interested in learning about or share some good news, and I'd very often get ignored, or get replies like "you only get that because you're pretty" or "you're soooo lucky, everyone can't be like you!" or if I dare share an achievement, "you're SO conceited!" All from this girl's mouth at the table. If I shared an opinion, and either one of us disagreed, she'd have to shut me down. But after awhile, I'd get tired of it and say something snarky to shut her up. I could never have a say-so, I'd be labeled "mean." And you know what? After a while I started to believe I was mean, and I think I became cold and mean in a way. 

After a while, I cut off the friendship completely, I knew it wasn't good for me or my wellbeing, and that's when hell froze over. She'd tweet nasty things about me saying I'm cocky or conceited or who cares if I'm pretty I'm just ugly inside. It not only made me feel like a terrible human being, but I believed anything she said about me. I think that's what caused me to lash out or have breakdowns during college, because I had to put up with her and her posse every day and it tore away at me and made me go into psychosis. When I'd lash out of frustration or sadness, the class would get on board and gossip about how mean I am. And I believe every one of them and felt terrible.

Fast forward to the present, I'm talking to my work crush finally after having a crush on him for awhile, and shortly after we start talking, I get a friend request from a girl who works in the same department as him. I already start to get bad feelings. I've tried saying hi to this girl at work before, but I remember feeling really uneasy around her. She always looked grumpy and barely spoke a word to me before I started talking to this guy. I accepted the friend request anyway, but felt really paranoid that she was trying to get in my business and see what I was all about. She'd heart all my posts on Facebook, which is nice, but also felt super strange to me. I didn't know this girl and she barely greeted me when I tried to greet her in the past and now she's suddenly on my Facebook liking everything? Well, after a while of then dating this guy, she tells me one day I look cute and that we should hang out sometime. Not to be rude, but I REALLY don't like that approach, I always need to be around a person long enough to see what they're like and who they before I let them in. Otherwise, I shut down or get scared. But again, I was curious, and thought, "wow! She really likes me!" ignoring my red flags again. 

We hang out at her apartment, she asks me questions about myself, which is nice, but deep down I feel nervous. I feel rushed again. We talk and I notice we have similar interests but I'm still not sure if I'm comfortable with her personality. Something throws me off. Next thing I know, she's inviting me out with all her friends for drinks at their favourite bar, and that's when my social anxiety really kicks in. All these friends are guys, one of which is from our work, and they're all socially normal people who talk about their hobbies, all of which I can't relate to. I start to socially separate from this rowdy herd. Some make jokes about how weird and different I am and so I'd fire back with a snarky comment here and there to get them to shut up. They all joked around and seemed to take it in good fun, granted my intention wasn't to be rude or serious, just a sassy nudge every now and then when I'd feel nervous. The guy I was dating was with me that night, and he could see the guys were upsetting me and making me uncomfortable, and so he took me home and apologized for their behaviour. 

So, recently I went to this girl from work's house for another drinking night with her girl friends and a couple guy friends, and that night I was feeling really stressed and uncomfortable in the social situation, so I drank...and drank. I got so hammered drunk that night I only remember bits and pieces, but I remember having a good time overall. The next morning this girl texts me to tell me I was being very mean when I was drunk, I kept shushing people and telling them to be quiet, and just yelling and getting impatient when someone didn't get what I was saying. When she told me this, I had no clue I was acting that way. The only thing I could think of was feeling personally attacked by her and her friends that night when making jokes and feeling a need to jab back and defend myself. I think it was all due to the fact that I felt uncomfortable socially with her and these people. But when she told me what I did, I immediately felt TERRIBLE. I sincerely apologized, but ending up crying and beating myself up over my actions that night. I still feel like I'm this evil, terrible person that no one seems to like. I feel like these friends of mine secretly hate me and are waiting for the right moment to make me think I'm awful for making these kinds of mistakes. 

I distant myself when I'm socially uncomfortable, I become unfriendly or aloof as people say. People say things to me that I feel like are personal attacks and it causes me to lash out. Help?


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## Alex4You (Jun 19, 2017)

Didn't read the whole thing, but props for liking of Montreal!


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## tinymirrorsanddoors (Sep 1, 2017)

Alex4You said:


> Didn't read the whole thing, but props for liking of Montreal!


Yay a fellow fan! I'm seeing them for the third time.in a couple weeks ?


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## Alex4You (Jun 19, 2017)

tinymirrorsanddoors said:


> Yay a fellow fan! I'm seeing them for the third time.in a couple weeks ?


I saw them once several years ago. It was wild. By the way, I think you should just tell people about your SA so they can understand why you act certain ways.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Didnt read either lol but if people arent interested in what you say etc then maybe they might not be friends


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## savvyriddles (Sep 14, 2017)

I read the whole entire thread. It's definitely how you're feeling that set you off. I am going through that where I feel personally attacked and I get ignored and people say things differently to me, especially girls. :/


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