# Social mishap exposure



## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

Hey,

I ve read a lot about cbt lately to get a good understanding of my cognitive biais and of the various technics that are considered useful.

I have come across something called social mishap exposure. It s one of the last generation cbt and it could be more efficient that classic cbt for SA. To put it in a simple way the work on thoughts is kind of the same, but since SA is considered as a oversensitivity to others look and judging, especially leading to an exaggerated fear of critic and ridicule, exposure in the second stage of therapy will consist in having in real life some predetermined behaviors that are obviously ridicule, weird, rude or attention seeking. Difficulty is progressively increased. Group therapy is privileged when possible. It s seems to me that it is a challenging but potentially very efficient method. Any thoughts ?


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## rm123 (Mar 21, 2016)

You mean like intentionally embarrassing yourself in public so you can experience how it's no big deal? That's actually quite interesting


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

rm123 said:


> You mean like intentionally embarrassing yourself in public so you can experience how it's no big deal? That's actually quite interesting


Yes. This approach is original in the sense that unless like classic cbt you'll not do the exposure exercices while still trying not to embarass yourself because you will anyway, since you ll have to so something that is considered out of social norms, or at least excessive on purpose. It's probably harder but in a way maybe your mind is more free since you know you ll appear as weird. And yes probably it will be no big deal. I mean it will be in your head but that s all.

I don't know of any group therapy of this kind close to my home but I ll buy the book (for therapists, there is no patient manual but anyway I often find some too superficial) to see if I can do some things by myself and I will also speak about this approach to my therapist.

I ll take things very progressively because it is quite frightening.


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

I found another thread on this forum of a guy doing some mishap exposure (the difference is however that it is in the context of an acceptance therapy, in which the work on thoughts is a little different.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f25/social-mishap-exposure-therapy-1636529/


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## forever in flux (Nov 26, 2016)

Yeah these are sometimes called Shame Attacking Exercises. Check out the work of Albert Ellis and REBT. David Burns' CBT book 'When Panic Attacks' also goes into detail about using this for SA.

There's also Rejection Therapy, which is the same thing but aimed at general self-help audience and set up as a game. The aim of the game is to get rejected!

I've done a quite a lot of these exercises in the past, it hasn't cured me but it did helps me in other ways, it even becomes enjoyable once you get on a roll. Like any exposure therapy it works best if you work through a ladder of easy, medium, hard exercises.

This guy changed his life through Rejection Therapy, although he didn't have SA:






https://www.youtube.com/user/DukieAjah


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## mt moyt (Jul 29, 2015)

kinda reminds me of the high school game where people would say the word penis at a low volume at first, then the other person had to say it louder and louder, and the goal was to not be the one that chickens out.
@Barry bin Laden thanks for that video btw, very enjoyable


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## forever in flux (Nov 26, 2016)

mt moyt said:


> kinda reminds me of the high school game where people would say the word penis at a low volume at first, then the other person had to say it louder and louder, and the goal was to not be the one that chickens out.
> 
> @*Barry bin Laden* thanks for that video btw, very enjoyable


You're welcome 

Yeah we played that game at school too but with the word muff.


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

Yeah I think would need to go very progressively so I don't give up.

I will probably do normal CBT exercices for a while with my therapist and then try social mishap exercises. I need to read more about it and to think about exercises that targets the things that are particularly anxiety triggering for me.

For now something easy I can think of, to start not too abruptly, is prank call. It's an easy first step because you don't have to face the other, but it would still make me anxious. I can make some funny ones and some really stupid ones so I just get some contemptuous answers in the face and get used to it.


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

Ok I'll try something simple just to see how that feel, I will call someone randomly and ask him/her if he have seen my stepladder because I can't find it. I'll force myself to make the conversation lasts a little if the other doesn't hang up, I'll have a few lines prepared in advance. I'll talk slowly, and let this other person respond, so I can feel her/his confusion and the weirdness of the situation and the anxiety has time to build up. 

Since I have trouble to launch myself I guess it's an appropriate exercise.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

@Cassoulet94 I would start with exposure that is way more gradual tbh. This is how I have been doing it (see my vid thread). I might introduce some social mishap stuff later on, but for me to do exposure it has to be between 3-5/10 in anxiety. It needs to be very _slightly_ out of your comfort zone for you to be willing to do it long term, and it is going to need to be long term (think 4+ times a week for months and months).


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

splendidbob said:


> @Cassoulet94 I would start with exposure that is way more gradual tbh. This is how I have been doing it (see my vid thread). I might introduce some social mishap stuff later on, but for me to do exposure it has to be between 3-5/10 in anxiety. It needs to be very _slightly_ out of your comfort zone for you to be willing to do it long term, and it is going to need to be long term (think 4+ times a week for months and months).


I think it really depends on the severity of your SA ! A prank call would be anxiety 
triggering but nowhere close to a real embarassing social interaction. If I get to anxious I can just hang up.

I saw some of your vid and it shows how we are all different: some things that are hard for you, I would do them no problem, on the other hand I would really hate making a video of myself because because I don t like my image. I know I am not ugly or anything, I m actually pretty ok according to others, but nonetheless I avoir mirror and cameras because when i see me I see ugliness.

My sa is ****ing my life because my personality and interests are really not compatible with it, because I am so ashamed of it, because of my way of coping with it and because I have some self esteem issues, but I guess that it is light SA (moderate occasionaly) compared to a lot of people.

Plus I have already done some regular exposure in the past. Currently I am in an acting class and while I am probably the shyest of the group, it is still a very useful exercice. Particularly, people can see that I am social anxious and they don't ?ook down on me for it.

I know that exposure is only useful if done regularly so your brain can desensitize, that's why I intend to do each exercice several times a week. I also do simple things not to get rusty, like asking some random people to tell me where a street is (the street where I live actually). It's pretty easy but I have found it useful because it still forces me so switch in social mode rather than being in my thoughts.

I can do it faster than I normally would because I am taking a medication that ease the depression and anxiety.


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

I made one prank call yesterday and one today, the one from yesterday only lasted ten seconds before the woman hanged up, the one from today lasted like one minute, I was able to speak more fluently, it was funny but I was not very at ease at the end so I just say goodbye even if I could have made it last longer. I know this exercise sounds stupid but I think it a good first step because I get used to people being confused and thinking I'm kind of crazy. As long as it makes me anxious I think it's good. 

I also have a tinder match who is a russian student and model (not a false one, I am not dumb I can recognize false profiles), I made a good opening joke, she just answered "hahaha" (Can't she say something that would make conversation more easy... ) and as I feel she is not in my league physically speaking and must have liked my profile because my pictures are not faithful enough, I don't think I'll write her again, if we meet she would probably be disappointed.


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

humidity said:


> How is the mishap exposure meant to reduce anxiety? I'm considering trying this, and I know I will get rude responses prolly about 50% of the time. I read some explanation of the therapy online, and it sounded to me like the therapy is supposed to show to us that people don't reject most of the time. But I've been rejected quite a bit before and felt ****ty about it. What am I supposed to think/learn when I get rudely rejected in my mishap exposures?


1 - mishap exposure is still cbt. I have a book about that method and there is still the whole part about the cognitive work. Plus social mishape exercices only begin during the second part of the therapy, first because they must be suited to your case, sexond because they are demanding so you must have reached a certain mindset. In the book, the first part of the therapy model they propose is dedicated to discussion about your way of functionning and to different oral exercies in front of a group and/or a camera (then you have to watch the films). They say you can still do it in an individual therapy but that group therapy is probably the ideal.

So you can try alone but honnestly if you dont do the cognitive part it will just be exposure therapy, not therapy, so maybe it won't be as useful because you ll not have enough information about your thought process and will not be ready for such complicated exposure exercices.

Already you assume that you ll be rudely rejected so my opinion is that you are not in the right mindset. Rude rejection is unfrequent. Anyway the therapy is not about learning that you wan t get rejected, it s about learning that being rejected is part of life and it s ok. But obviously it shows you that people are less hostile than you may think.

I would recommend seeing a therapist or reading books about SA and CBT before trying mishap exposure.

Also you can try an acting class + cbt I find this mix very efficient (there are acting class for shy people if you are too anxious at first). My acting class helped me to understand that most people don t look down on you just for being shy and to be less unconfirtable witj my voice and my body (most people with sa have this problem I think).


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

humidity said:


> Cassoulet94 said:
> 
> 
> > Already you assume that you ll be rudely rejected so my opinion is that you are not in the right mindset. Rude rejection is unfrequent.
> ...


Haha counter strike you mean ? Yeah but obviously that s a little special the geek community is full of frustrated trolls and haters. I am not a gamer so I can't really give you advice on this. Anyway in real life most people are not like that.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

humidity said:


> How is the mishap exposure meant to reduce anxiety? I'm considering trying this, and I know I will get rude responses prolly about 50% of the time. I read some explanation of the therapy online, and it sounded to me like the therapy is supposed to show to us that people don't reject most of the time. But I've been rejected quite a bit before and felt ****ty about it. What am I supposed to think/learn when I get rudely rejected in my mishap exposures?


I think you have to be super super careful with this therapy, but the way it works, more or less is:

1. It shows you that you the cost of your worst fears coming true isn't as steep as you think (i.e. if the worst happens and you do something that makes you feel silly, nothing bad happens)

2. It kinda "immunises" you against this kinds of anxiety

3. It also has a weird built in reframing effect, when you purposefully make mistakes, you don't do as much post even rumination ("did I look stupid etc?", well yeh, that's the point )

But, caution for sure because these things are high anxiety if you jump in with the big stuff. If you do this, imo, and aren't working up to it gradually, you need to stay in it for a long period of time to let the anxiety go down (extinction), otherwise you just make it worse. If I was doing this hardcore, without gradually building up to it, I would make a day of it, like do 20+ of the same mishap a day or something.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Yeah this works very well. I remember behaving very out of order when I was taking prozac - I was embarrassing myself left and right but I didn't feel bad about it - I was like retarded. It has helped tho - probably the medication helped more but I do feel more readily available in embarrassing myself more often now-a-days than I was before my retardation.


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## rockbottomrage (Feb 26, 2017)

humidity said:


> How is the mishap exposure meant to reduce anxiety? I'm considering trying this, and I know I will get rude responses prolly about 50% of the time. I read some explanation of the therapy online, and it sounded to me like the therapy is supposed to show to us that people don't reject most of the time. But I've been rejected quite a bit before and felt ****ty about it. What am I supposed to think/learn when I get rudely rejected in my mishap exposures?


Same here. Dating is one of my biggest triggers. I get rejected in some way everytime. Guess what? I don't feel better. The last time the guy told me i just wasn't like other girls. I feel like i don't measure up even more. While i appreciate the explanation as usually i don't get one, but i still feel worse about myself than i did before.

Over the years,it has gotten so bad that simply being asked out can give me a 24 hour anxiety attack.

I could see this therapy working for other things. For example, i can't swim. I've tried and failed. People commended me for trying to learn as an adult. I had a lot of anxiety about going to a gym, and now i get compliments for being hardworking, dedicated, and focused.
However, when it comes to interpersonal relationships, things are much, much more personal.

I think it can work for things that give a person a moderate amount of stress. if a person is truly being rejected over and over and has a phobia that is unfortunately well founed, it could make it worse imo. I don't know, maybe it has worked for others.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

rockbottomrage said:


> Same here. Dating is one of my biggest triggers. I get rejected in some way everytime. Guess what? I don't feel better. *The last time the guy told me i just wasn't like other girls.* I feel like i don't measure up even more. While i appreciate the explanation as usually i don't get one, but i still feel worse about myself than i did before.
> 
> Over the years,it has gotten so bad that simply being asked out can give me a 24 hour anxiety attack.
> 
> ...


Guys have told me that I am not like other girls too. No, they're not saying anything bad about you it's actually the opposite. They go on saying that I am better and different than other girls/the majority of girls who suck. They're just saying that we are better and unlike any other girl they ever seen. So you should be happy! I should advise caution tho because when they do say this - jorny naive girls like me fall in the trap.

I've heard it over and over again from guys trying to own me in a relationship and I didn't like them. I was like, yeah thanks for sensing that I am not like the majority of ****ed up girls out there but I won't let you win me with your pick-up line baby. Guys better be careful with that saying, and so should I. Hey boy you're so unlike any other guys I've been with, mmm. I could be saying it but surely doesn't mean I am forcing him in a relationship with me, just wanted to let him know. Depends if I like him and get turned on or if I don't like him and get turned off, I bet any guy will either get turned on or turned off depending if he likes you or not.... What a nice world out there!


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## rockbottomrage (Feb 26, 2017)

SwtSurrender said:


> Guys have told me that I am not like other girls too. No, they're not saying anything bad about you it's actually the opposite. They go on saying that I am better and different than other girls/the majority of girls who suck. They're just saying that we are better and unlike any other girl they ever seen. So you should be happy! I should advise caution tho because when they do say this - jorny naive girls like me fall in the trap.
> 
> I've heard it over and over again from guys trying to own me in a relationship and I didn't like them. I was like, yeah thanks for sensing that I am not like the majority of ****ed up girls out there but I won't let you win me with your pick-up line baby. Guys better be careful with that saying, and so should I. Hey boy you're so unlike any other guys I've been with, mmm. I could be saying it but surely doesn't mean I am forcing him in a relationship with me, just wanted to let him know. Depends if I like him and get turned on or if I don't like him and get turned off, I bet any guy will either get turned on or turned off depending if he likes you or not.... What a nice world out there!


Unfortunately, most of the comparions were not positive. Things only things i ever got are that i'm 'nice' and 'pretty.' Let's see,been told i wasn't useful like other women, they did x,y,and z. I've been told i wasn't a conversationalist like other women. I basically was called a useless girlfriend. I also have a tendency to say and do wrong things, be tomboyish, be forgetful, etc.

I can a little bit logically say it doesn't always work out. However, i just feel like putting myself through that makes me worse everytime.

Imo exposure therapy is a little more complicated when there's a well rooted and wellfounded reason for the anxiety.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

rockbottomrage said:


> Unfortunately, most of the comparions were not positive. Things only things i ever got are that i'm 'nice' and 'pretty.' Let's see,been told i wasn't useful like other women, they did x,y,and z. I've been told i wasn't a conversationalist like other women. I basically was called a useless girlfriend. I also have a tendency to say and do wrong things, be tomboyish, be forgetful, etc.
> 
> I can a little bit logically say it doesn't always work out. However, i just feel like putting myself through that makes me worse everytime.
> 
> Imo exposure therapy is a little more complicated when there's a well rooted and wellfounded reason for the anxiety.


Ah yes, I've also had a few guys review me negatively. Truth is, we shouldn't let it bother us. Good for them that we suck, but we shouldn't be afraid to voice our own negative reviews about them. After that, leave them! Always engage with respectful men who respect us.

You could go all your life getting beaten down and drown in other's criticism of you or you can be lifted in your mood and self esteem if you have nothing to do with them and fight back. We already have our own self criticism and when we hear others approve it then we're done for. No, we have to find others who respect us and say good things about us. They are out there but they are rare.


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## rockbottomrage (Feb 26, 2017)

SwtSurrender said:


> Ah yes, I've also had a few guys review me negatively. Truth is, we shouldn't let it bother us. Good for them that we suck, but we shouldn't be afraid to voice our own negative reviews about them. After that, leave them! Always engage with respectful men who respect us.
> 
> You could go all your life getting beaten down and drown in other's criticism of you or you can be lifted in your mood and self esteem if you have nothing to do with them and fight back. We already have our own self criticism and when we hear others approve it then we're done for. No, we have to find others who respect us and say good things about us. They are out there but they are rare.


Thank you for being so positive. I get left everytime, i just usually dont get feedback. Its ok, i suck at relationships lol. Everyone has faults, but apparently mine are things most women can and should do.

I guess with the proposed method id get into a bunch of relationships to get used to being dumped and left for other women? That seems kinda cruel.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

rockbottomrage said:


> Thank you for being so positive. I get left everytime, i just usually dont get feedback. Its ok, i suck at relationships lol. Everyone has faults, but apparently mine are things most women can and should do.
> 
> I guess with the proposed method id get into a bunch of relationships to get used to being dumped and left for other women? That seems kinda cruel.


Ha  Well in relationships I think both parties are at fault, it's not only one person's fault but both contribute a little to the rocky relationship. Yeah I feel like I was also used and then dumped for other women - but sometimes they miss me and want me back. Tell them no. So I wouldn't do this exposure with getting into relationships, I know already where they lead. I only wanted relationships so I could own the guy and his cock, but he doesn't want me only so then I don't need to construct a relationship when I can get free cock and men casually ahahahah.

And I can't trust them - I believe that they always cheat. Paranoia gets the best of me. I might try the exposure with pretending to ask someone to date me just to see - but the majority do not reject the idea - cuz they have the benefit of using me for sex and then dumping me whenever they please. Who are we to get used? We should use them! Hey we should ask them to date and then play around and then dump them whenever! That feels like a great comeback!


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## rockbottomrage (Feb 26, 2017)

SwtSurrender said:


> Ha  Well in relationships I think both parties are at fault, it's not only one person's fault but both contribute a little to the rocky relationship. Yeah I feel like I was also used and then dumped for other women - but sometimes they miss me and want me back. Tell them no. So I wouldn't do this exposure with getting into relationships, I know already where they lead. I only wanted relationships so I could own the guy and his cock, but he doesn't want me only so then I don't need to construct a relationship when I can get free cock and men casually ahahahah.
> 
> And I can't trust them - I believe that they always cheat. Paranoia gets the best of me. I might try the exposure with pretending to ask someone to date me just to see - but the majority do not reject the idea - cuz they have the benefit of using me for sex and then dumping me whenever they please. Who are we to get used? We should use them! Hey we should ask them to date and then play around and then dump them whenever! That feels like a great comeback!


I believe they always cheat and or dump me. That's been most of my reality. I've thought about meeting guys, dating them, and dumping them when is convenient for me. Maybe it's not right, but it's empowering for me. People say i shouldn't do it, bc it could work out. To me it's not any different from other relationships except i grab the bull by the horns and end it myself. In this scenario i'd really reel him in, and then drop him right when he's really feeling it. Even to do that, i'd have to overcome a lot of my own anxiety. I get scared just when guys ask me out on a date. it wasn't always that bad.

I've had guys come back,too. I tell them no. If they want other women, so be it.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

rockbottomrage said:


> I believe they always cheat and or dump me. That's been most of my reality. I've thought about meeting guys, dating them, and dumping them when is convenient for me. Maybe it's not right, but it's empowering for me. People say i shouldn't do it, bc it could work out. To me it's not any different from other relationships except i grab the bull by the horns and end it myself. In this scenario i'd really reel him in, and then drop him right when he's really feeling it. Even to do that, i'd have to overcome a lot of my own anxiety. I get scared just when guys ask me out on a date. it wasn't always that bad.
> 
> I've had guys come back,too. I tell them no. If they want other women, so be it.


Ahh yes sounds like a great plan. If they can do it to us then we have all the right to return the favor, especially to the very nasty ones. Right when they really feel it we're gonna be all like, "sorry this just isn't working out." Then they'll leave or you have to block them out of your life cuz they be begging like hell. I've been hurt too much as well and it'll be quite empowering to do this to someone.

But then again I don't want to behave like a psychopath, although many of my boyfriends did behave like psychopaths to me. If I can try to play with someone's feelings like I've been played with - feels kind of wrong since the guy is innocent but I just can't fathom another boyfriend treating me like **** just so he can have a vagina in his possession while I only have his cock just sometimes <-that right there deserves a breakup from us.

Sorry it's not working out, I want your cock when I want it not when you feel like it. Sometimes you don't even need a reason, so if you're dating and he's not making you feel your best then kick him out. Don't worry, I bet he already had another girl on his shelf to run to.

There are alot of feelings you give to someone when you're deep into the relationship and I bet the guy is playing all along. How can he who never cared about anything care about me? He's just playing along and that's why he fabricates some fake insensitive feeling of betrayal when he's apparently dumped or dumps you. How can he allow himself to fall for someone, he never did, he was playing all along cuz I was easily tricked with the early I love you and he was playing all along just to get the reward which is sex.

It's getting harder and harder for me to have any relationship or dating when my mentality is as was stated above. It will only work when I have mustered the control over the break up time and when I decide to fake my falling in love with him. Sometimes we just have to fake it cuz you never know if the other is real with you or not. Always my feelings were hurt, but not his - never - he was merely just playing along.


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