# Stop thinking about yourself so much



## shy_girl

I think the biggest problem with people with SA is they obsess about themselves so much. Its a constant worry about what people think about them, what people think they look like etc. No matter if its all negative or not, its still just about yourself. Look at this forum for example, its all about talking about yourself. I know its kind of the point, but still....

Instead of focusing on you, focus on other people......go out there and make an effort. At the end of the day you are what you are, and thinking about it and getting yourself down is not gonna change it. Get help by all means but don't focus on yourself all the time, you're just wasting your life......

Stay positive, and think of other things to focus on!!


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## adventurer

Sounds about right. I know I have a habit of thinking during awkward silence that its my fault, even though the other person is often not making much of an effort.


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## Restless Mind

Completely agree with you shy_girl.


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## Halcyon

i agree

Its the SELF...myself that i'm always imagining/picturing and anticipating being in terrible situations day in day out....i need to let that go and lose myself in focusing and listening to others and being there for others.

My uncle once said people have their own problems they are focused on instead of worrying so much about others issues....its really true. I'm one of those people so focused about what others are thinking when infact others in reality aren't focused on me


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## justlistening

shy_girl said:


> Look at this forum for example, its all about talking about yourself. I know its kind of the point, but still....


I totally agree, and I tend to do it too.
Whenever I see someone telling a problem, it's like at least I wanna make clear my situation is as bad or maybe even worse. While normally I'm not someone who complains to others not even online, so I don't know why I do that here. But fact is that when I leave the computer I'm not feeling any better about myself at all.

Yes this board gives me support in a way that I recognise a lot of issues and I feel less alone with my problems. But at the end of the day I have to face the world here by myself, It's not that there is a SAS village I can move to.


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## geeky

Absolutely right, we're so self-obsessed. Actually no one thinks about us that way, people don't judge others all the time. Things we avoid are not a big deal.


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## coeur_brise

From my experience, I find certain people don't really care. (Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind kind of thing). At the end of the day, _you_ must care (about yourself).


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## Buerhle

DEF.
i Agree. I don't want to waste my life doing that.


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## Softy785

I agree. The more we focus on ourselves and our anxiety, the more anxious we will be! We can't get into the habit of "checking in" on our anxiety and then doing things on the basis of how we feel. We need to do things whether we feel like it or not. And our focus should never be on ourselves and the way we are feeling. Focus on anything external, whether it be what someone else is saying, music you're listening to, environment, weather, shopping, etc, whatever it takes! Nobody else is obsessing over your every word and action, so why are you? It's just no big deal!!


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## OneSADClown

yup, i'm way too obsessed with myself. that's why there's a thread around here about SA being very similar to narcissism. 

i'm trying to get over it, but so far it's been unsuccessful..


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## bigchris407

Well said. I need to hear that from time to time. Haha, again about myself. :stu what are ya gonna do lol


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## Tangier

Spot on, Shy_girl!

SA is such a navel-gazing sort of disorder. Getting the focus off of myself and directing my energy outward is one way I try to "snap out of it" when I feel my SA taking over. Focus on the goal, the task at hand, the person in front of me -maybe pay them a compliment if i can't think of anything else to say. Anything to get myself to stop obesessing over what everyone might be thinking about _me_.


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## nesteroff

Very good advice. I'm so self-centered it's just pitiful.


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## Prodigal Son

Hard to not think about myself. *thinks about the keyboard*


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## GirlInTheMirror

Wow that is so true!! I constantly analyse myself and search for new "deep reasons" for me being the way i am in other words trying to find someting/someone to blame! love self help stuff! it is a liberating thought that noone actually watches your every move and judges you, well except yourself! but how do you stop it?


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## Grantonio

You can't please everybody! We don't have time to be friends with everybody so we might as well just focus on pleasing our selves. if some stranger that doesn't even know you looks down on you for doing something wrong, is that so bad? are there any hardcore consequences associated with that? if you really start to think about it, any type of disaproval is usually temporary...life goes on, the people that truely care about you will still care about you. 

these are just some of the thought processes i go through that seem to help, maybe it can help you guys too.....


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## abbie528

Great advice Grantonio!


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## henriejo

shy_girl said:


> I think the biggest problem with people with SA is they obsess about themselves so much. Its a constant worry about what people think about them, what people think they look like etc. No matter if its all negative or not, its still just about yourself. Look at this forum for example, its all about talking about yourself. I know its kind of the point, but still....
> 
> Instead of focusing on you, focus on other people......go out there and make an effort. At the end of the day you are what you are, and thinking about it and getting yourself down is not gonna change it. Get help by all means but don't focus on yourself all the time, you're just wasting your life......
> 
> Stay positive, and think of other things to focus on!!


That is why we are here in one place. Now, I do agree with you. We should stop thinking what other people think. But as I said before, that's why we are here, to overcome that fear and it's not one of the biggest problems, it is the problem. It is the definition of SA! A lot of us wish it was that easy. Easier said than done right? Sa is a long process. Many of us have lived with SA for years and did not know what was wrong with us. So it's a long process of recovery, you have to take that into mind, as long as we are trying and doing everything in our power to deal with it, then it should be fine. And slowly that fear of scrutiny or embarrassment will fade away over time. :yes


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## free1here

for three days I focused on loving others( I had read a Christian book -See with New Eyes-Ty Gibson) that was particularly moving and helpful...

usually I went around with a scrupulous conscience worrying about doing the right thing.. but I remember in a moment one of those days..realizing wow..I have not been worried about my conscience..I guess I was busy doing my best to care for others (my family members in the household, I did not really have friends at the time)

so yeah something I remembered..

now what I think I should learn to do is be confident, knowing who I am in Christ, loving myself as I should, be my best friend..


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## dragonface

I do think about other people like my classmates but I don't really talk to them plus i am also too lazy and unmotivated to help them. If only I was Ant Man... I will able to get help from the ants :wtf


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## always starting over

Agreed but part of me gets really annoyed when people give me this advice. Because they think it's just a switch you can turn on and off. It's a hardwired impulse for me to think that people are talking about me everywhere I go. It shouldn't be something I need to feel guilty about in order to change. I've had to work on it gradually my entire life and it's still not solved. So, it's not as simple as me being a selfish jerk, like people sometimes try to reduce it to.


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## visualkeirockstar

You meant to say was stop focusing on your negatives.


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## Buerhle

dragonface said:


> I do think about other people like my classmates but I don't really talk to them plus i am also too lazy and unmotivated to help them. If only I was Ant Man... I will able to get help from the ants :wtf


Ya, :wtf

Lol. _If only_


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## caveman8

Softy785 said:


> I agree. The more we focus on ourselves and our anxiety, the more anxious we will be! We can't get into the habit of "checking in" on our anxiety and then doing things on the basis of how we feel. We need to do things whether we feel like it or not. And our focus should never be on ourselves and the way we are feeling. Focus on anything external, whether it be what someone else is saying, music you're listening to, environment, weather, shopping, etc, whatever it takes! Nobody else is obsessing over your every word and action, so why are you? It's just no big deal!!


Right. The tricky part is that focus needs to be real, and not just an avoidance tactic. I think the concept of mindfulness is helpful in that respect.


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## Hallowed Ground

Whist this a nice message and all, and some pretty good advise to a point.
It doesn't magically make peoples worries and issues go away.

My current issues are heavily on my mind most of the time atm, i don't have this off switch i can just stop worrying about them, and if i could they will still be there.

I dunno, people have issues and generally we are the most important person/first though is of ourselves.


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## nothing else

I actually feel bad for other people for not opening up to them.


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## paleflowerings

I guess I spend half of my time thinking about myself and the other half thinking about my friends and family. is this wise


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## Marino

OneSADClown said:


> yup, i'm way too obsessed with myself. that's why there's a thread around here about SA being very similar to narcissism.
> 
> i'm trying to get over it, but so far it's been unsuccessful..


It's a king of short circuit: our obsession with ourself bother's us and yet and to solve this, we again think about ourself (being obsessed with ourself). It just doubles the whole thing. It's like pouring gassoline on fire.

The solution is to do the opposite: to stop thinking about ourself and focus on contributing to someting or somebody else. But we don't like that and that's our problem. No emotionally healthy person would ever do something like that. And why we're emotionally unhealthy is another topic.


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## visualkeirockstar

Its like asking me to walk out of my body.


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## AHappyWorld

*Volunteering for things can really help a lot with this. You don't have to worry too much about what to say to people, because everyone at the event or nonprofit is interested in the same thing - so all you have to say is "I want to help stop AIDS too," or "Yeah, I get it, my family member had cancer," or "I want to help build these people a house!"* It makes conversations pretty automatic, so you don't have to just grasp at straws for what to say.

Volunteering for causes is a great way to meet other people who have similar interests, and who are friendly - nearly all people at volunteer things are nice and caring people. If you have a ton of trouble talking to anyone, you can join something that doesn't involve as much talking to people - like going on a walk or a run to raise money for a cause, volunteering at an animal shelter where you mostly interact only with animals, or doing something like Habitat for Humanity or some kind of organization that helps poor or disaster areas so you're mostly busy physically building something or digging or whatever and don't have to talk much.

Getting outside of yourself and keeping busy, trying new things and meeting new people, and also getting a chance to spend time around people or animals that have it worse than you, can really help a ton to put your life in perspective and help you feel more positive and in control of your life.

Another way that I have found is helpful, when you can't volunteer or maybe can't handle talking to people, is people-watching. Like going out to sit and watch people at an airport, or at a crowded house of worship that you don't belong to maybe but have an interest in - gets you at least out of the house and watching other people deal with their lives and concerns without you necessarily having to say anything or participate. That may sound weird, but I've found it helps to get more used to being around people, and thinking about their issues, when you just can't bring yourself to talk to anyone but don't want to spend your whole life shut in the house. Baby steps, you know?


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## Aeiou

> I think the biggest problem with people with SA is they obsess about themselves so much. Its a constant worry about what people think about them, what people think they look like etc.


Dear,
I totally agree with you but... You remind me of my mother telling me "ehi, if you hate to blush, then you have just to focus on not blushing!"... means: it's not _that_ simple.
Anyhow, everybody's tryin....
What I wanted to say is that probably, if we bahave this way it's because we have a kind of negative feedback from the society... I have the feeling (and sometimes not only a feeling, but clear words impressed in my mind) that people thinks that if you don't smile you are not funny ("smile more!" is another favourite quote of my parents), if you are not outgoing then you are boring, if you are not perfect you are not worth a date (yes, I am obsessed with my body and can't stand even the tiniest defect).
We should probably don't care, as *coeur_brise* told before "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"...That's why I have some close friends who like me as I am.
But the other ones just consider me weird.


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## ebraheeemz

you are right


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## ALWAYSLate

That is hard though if you are naturally awkward. The issue for me is more about avoiding in being too self conscious. Anxiety helps a lot in this to the more I feel it the more I want to withdraw.


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## Triumph

shy_girl said:


> I think the biggest problem with people with SA is they obsess about themselves so much. Its a constant worry about what people think about them, what people think they look like etc. No matter if its all negative or not, its still just about yourself. Look at this forum for example, its all about talking about yourself. I know its kind of the point, but still....
> 
> Instead of focusing on you, focus on other people......go out there and make an effort. At the end of the day you are what you are, and thinking about it and getting yourself down is not gonna change it. Get help by all means but don't focus on yourself all the time, you're just wasting your life......
> 
> Stay positive, and think of other things to focus on!!


I don't think there's anything wrong with focusing on yourself. We're just doing it in a negative way. If the obsessive negative thoughts were replaced with obsessive positive thoughts, we would all be very happy people. If you read any books on CBT and self esteem, or listen to anyone who has reversed their SA, this is what we're told. 
When people feel like crap about themselves, they hardly want to "go out there and make an effort". They need to work on themselves, find self love first, and get their core self esteem back, after which they will automatically seek out new relationships and experiences.
It took months or years to develop this disorder, but, it can be reversed in weeks or months if applied with earnest determination.


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## Choci Loni

This is the most important rule I'm trying to follow in order to cope with my anxiety.
I'm almost always less anxious when I direct my attention outwards.
It's not easy doing it all the time, but it's something you can practice.


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## zonebox

Is it that we focus too much on ourselves, or we focus too much on people and what they think of us?

But then, that is exactly what everyone else does. It is the reason why people wear the clothes they do, drive the cars they do, keep their yards presentable, use the avatars on forums as they do. So many people care about what others think about them.

The problem, at least, for me.. is low self esteem, and a dread of in some irrational way I am imposing myself on others. That I do not belong, and I am not worthy, if anything I think of myself in debt to people for some foolish reason I can not even conceive of. Why I feel this way remains a mystery, but it has always been there.

And really, I have been in situations where people outright told me I'm unwanted, so it only seems to leave a feeling of guilt and suspicion that my feelings are valid.

And thus, it becomes quite a predicament, I want to please others, but at the same time I think anything I do is annoying to others, so I just try to distance myself. In a way, I've opted out of society.

It is really a vicious cycle, that I can find no simple way out of.

I think the answer is in building a bit of confidence in yourself, but first you have to build a sense of entitlement to that confidence.


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## caveman8

zonebox said:


> Is it that we focus too much on ourselves, or we focus too much on people and what they think of us?
> 
> But then, that is exactly what everyone else does. It is the reason why people wear the clothes they do, drive the cars they do, keep their yards presentable, use the avatars on forums as they do. So many people care about what others think about them.
> 
> The problem, at least, for me.. is low self esteem, and a dread of in some irrational way I am imposing myself on others. That I do not belong, and I am not worthy, if anything I think of myself in debt to people for some foolish reason I can not even conceive of. Why I feel this way remains a mystery, but it has always been there.
> 
> And really, I have been in situations where people outright told me I'm unwanted, so it only seems to leave a feeling of guilt and suspicion that my feelings are valid.
> 
> And thus, it becomes quite a predicament, I want to please others, but at the same time I think anything I do is annoying to others, so I just try to distance myself. In a way, I've opted out of society.
> 
> It is really a vicious cycle, that I can find no simple way out of.
> 
> I think the answer is in building a bit of confidence in yourself, but first you have to build a sense of entitlement to that confidence.


The difference though is that you put on the right clothes - and forget about it usually. Keeping a yard presentable is normal - long grass is pretty ugly to look at and can draw fines from the city.

I have the same feeling. It's hard to get rid of, even though I think I know the reason. I think it was the way I was brought up - parents were always so uptight about always doing the right thing in front of others, then I came to somehow view "others" as perfect and never making a mistake.

Although it was written 8 or so years ago, I think Softy785's post is great advice. Just start doing, because if you try to work things out first, you might be stuck for a long time.


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## srschirm

There's a fair amount of truth to the original post.


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## caveman8

humidity said:


> I know the OP is well intentioned, but simply not thinking about ourselves does not solve the problem. The root of the problem is no sense of self-worth or esteem, which we developed either through abuse and/or patterns of cognitive distortion which we learned at some point in our lives.
> 
> As a result, all our core beliefs about ourselves are negative, thus we worry and despair. The core beliefs are the ones that need fixing.


OP is not saying it will solve the problem, rather that we spend too much time thinking about ourselves and our problems. If you think about what that all that thinking achieves - not a lot - then why not spend some of that time in other activities.


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## zonebox

caveman8 said:


> Although it was written 8 or so years ago, I think Softy785's post is great advice.


:lol
I did not even notice the date the original post was made. I usually try to check that out before replying.


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## srschirm

zonebox said:


> :lol
> I did not even notice the date the original post was made. I usually try to check that out before replying.


Good job man, it needed to be bumped.


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## caveman8

Buckyx said:


> so after 8 years anyone figured how? or is it just regular theory bsing without any outcome and stating obvious things


Perhaps counter-intuitively, you don't really have to solve anything. Focus on what you are doing today (and, not on how you look doing it). Repeat tomorrow. Don't expect a 100% fail-safe method...will always be times we feel self-conscious or obsess about ourselves, or do something embarrassing.


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## MSpring

*just realizing the same thing myself.*

I agree with your premise. I'm sure focusing less on ourselves would help with anxiety. I've got a lot of problems at the moment, and only just recently realized that this has caused me to be very self obsessed. I feel like I've become more selfish than I used to be, and I don't know how to reverse the process. I've always been a socially anxious person (since junior high at least), and a bit self absorbed (keeping to myself, doing my own thing, etc.) - but now it feels more extreme - like a real character failing. I have a hard time connecting with people, or empathizing properly, without feeling threatened somehow. It's good to know that other folks here have problems with being overly preoccupied with themselves - maybe learning to focus more on others would also help with anxiety and neurosis. Fingers crossed! How would one learn to become less self focused?


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