# 1 psychiatric evaluation down, 9 more to go!



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

The first diagnosis is in! Well I felt high this whole week leading up to my appointment with this sexy psychiatrist lady. I even told her about it. So the night before, I felt no anxiety or anticipation whatsoever, I knew it would work out 'better than well' and it really was that way! I mean, this has to be the first night ever where I was able to go to sleep without having bothersome anticipatory anxiety about my appointment the next day. I slept well, 9 hours, even woke up before my alarm. Drank my coffee and was off.... I was actually very excited. So we got there and I went in and told the lady at the desk my app time and my name and the doctor's name. She gave me a form to fill out and shet. When I was done with the form I went out back and used the loo. Then I sat down in the sun to eat some before I went in for my app. Out back was very nice, it was like a section outside like a porch and they had water fountains so I tried to listen to the water and do some meditation but it was hard because I kept coming back to my thoughts.

So I was out there in the sun, on the floor, with my eyes closed and trying hard to meditate, then I stretched a little and looked around. The lady at the desk came out and she told me that I can sit on the chair but I told her that I'm getting some vitamin D. She was going back and forth to another room and I had a feeling that my doctor was in there and oops she really was because a few minutes later she came out while I was still on the floor and she reached her hand out to shake mine after she asked if I was (my name). She held eye contact alot with me, well maybe because I also held alot of eye contact with her.... She was/is a ****ing beautiful woman. I even told her about it at the end.... And she laughed.... I just made her laugh wayyy too much.... But she was so cute tho! Ahh, my dream come true to have met someone like her. Well let's not get too carried away here! So then I shook her hand, I think she said pleasure to meet you or honor, well if she said honor then I don't understand why.

She went in the other room and I followed and looks like she got dad and was ready for me to go in to my app. So she asked who the guy with me was and dad was trying a little joke with her and told her that he was my brother. It seemed she didn't understand the joke or didn't want to disrespect dad so she thought he was actually my brother before dad shook her out of it and told her he's my dad. Then I asked her if she would need dad to help explain my symptoms and then she asked that that would be up to me if I would allow it and I said sure and that it would help more. So then we went to her room/office and sat down and I gave her the evaluation forms I filled out; one was for anxiety and the other for mood disorder. Then she started to ask me first of all why I came there to see her today and I began. Again, I was able to talk to her!!! I think I got to the bottom of why I am able to talk now, it's because I made this appointment, it's because I wanted to see her. It wasn't dad pushing me into things I didn't want. I wanted this. It makes sense entirely.

In the beginning I did tear up alot and luckily the tissues were right in front of me so I used a few. Then dad started talking and telling her about my traumatic childhood which helped alot in my evaluation process. I told her about everything that happened to me on Prozac and the mania I was feeling. I told her about how in school I couldn't talk and how I have social anxiety and I even told her about my CBT and convinced her that it really helped me open up as much as psychiatric medication did. She asked my phobias and I told her people and social situations. When she was explaining things I held eye contact with her and just stared at her in peace while nodding, then I started to smile and she was asking why I was smiling. Haha! She's funny guys! Anyway, I like her sexually but also as a human being and her work, although I am not 100% sure if I should 100% trust her diagnosis yet, dad said that we connected/communicated well. He said we were communicating so well (me and the psychiatrist) that it's as if he was watching a funny show.

I talked alot, you can imagine very well how a person with mania can talk alot right? Exactly. And they're funny as well right? Exactly what happened today. I just got too over-excited when I heard my diagnosis and I became overly-social near the end. I started complimenting the doctor telling her that I liked her nails and her dress. Dad was taking a picture of the diagnoses she wrote down and she was laughing because I was saying, "oooh you're going to be in the picture!" and that's when I also told her that I liked her nails. She was smiling alot, it just seems that I was too funny and she liked it alot. So after the diagnoses she immediately started going over the medication with me and showing me the different kinds and explaining their side effects. It was a very fast process. There were times where she was getting stressed out because there was alot of information to write down about my life, and I felt for her you know, if only she slowed down a bit, boy I really don't like when people go fast. I always had to find a way to get in there without interrupting so I'm glad I went for it many times.

I told her that I didn't want to take medication right now because I have another appointment in June with a psychologist/psychiatric nurse. And that I wanted to see this other one and 9 more after you (her) to get more diagnoses or a second opinion. I think I said a different brain, which is a bit disrespectful, or maybe I said a different perspective or diagnosis yeah. Not sure, but she agreed that I could get a second opinion. I was looking for a word and then she added it "concurring." Yeah I want more diagnoses from a number of different psychiatric evaluations from psychiatrists to see if the diagnoses all concur. Ha the way she was going on about everything made me feel very scared, it felt like she was prescribing me something to go and take today. But then I stood up for myself and I told her, no no no I have other plans and she gave me her card to make an appointment when I want to follow up with her and she added that she can only work with me if I take the medication she prescribed. Bah!

These psychiatrists are different, once you go in you walk out with a prescription for psychiatric medication. They're not like psychologists at all! They're scary! But you can choose to make them feel bad indirectly by standing up for your own right not to have them push medication on you that fast. I mean I need time to get more diagnoses and I'm not that desperate, I told her I don't want to stop feeling this! I'll always be this bonkers no matter what medication I take, it's the way God made me. So she told me my diagnoses and I got over excited and told her she is a very beautiful woman when we were leaving and she was again laughing wayyy too much. I can't blame her, everyone was laughing even dad. I even got close to her and touched her arm when I was laughing or being too social.... She's just too cute! Man, I am cray. I had alot of tissues in my hand at the end because I was playing with them after I used them to wipe my sweaty hands while I was talking.... And as we walked out through the front office I asked the lady at the desk where the trash was even though I already saw it beforehand and I was talking out loud saying, "oh I cried so much," while throwing away the tissues. And the lady was like, "yes it's better to get it all out allover the place!" and dad was laughing. What really happened there was not too much crying, just too much laughing and alot of relief.

Anyway, as promised, my first diagnosis is as follows: Bipolar I Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, history of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Social Anxiety. Eh, I feel at peace now even with my first diagnosis ever because the psychiatrists before all sucked and they never told me anything and because I never asked. At least now I am getting somewhere, at least I can be more at peace with myself with the bipolar especially and knowing that the way I feel is really because of that and that I will be okay in any of my endeavors. I can come to a conclusion about all my past and everything that happened with Prozac. I can finally feel at peace. Such a beautiful day, oh shet, well I was really high.... Oh forgot to add, she only offered the medication for me in the form of an atypical anti-psychotic called Geodon(Ziprasidone). Nothing at all for anxiety here, she's looking to stabilize my mood first.


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## Sus y (Aug 30, 2017)

:yay I'm very glad for you, hope with the following evaluations and after medication, you can feel better and sleep well .


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## GeomTech (Sep 29, 2015)

@SwtSurrender

Caffeine? Wouldn't that kind of interfere with your mental state (i.e make you a bit more hyper / energetic for these evaluations?).

But um, Wowzers. Congrats on the uh, psych evaluation. That's um, a lot of stuff there. And a lot of gall you have; for I vowed to never to go back to a psychologist / doctor for the rest my days. My doctor days are done. I only got diagnosed with SAD, but I don't want to see what other stuff I may have (probably GAD as well and that's all). Also, aren't you afraid that the meds will screw with some other part of your body; like the liver, kidneys, or who knows what else. Never took drugs, and hopefully will never have to (for anything for that matter).

Oh, and uh, they aren't going to do an IQ test on you are they? I did one of those, and it was not fun. I was super nervous, and didn't really follow the directions, but they didn't re-test me for some reason. In fact, the diagnosis came along after taking the IQ test or whatever. Those were troubling times.

But yep. Congrats. You somewhat know where you are (officially), and hopefully you'll somehow dig through to the surface or something.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I really don't think it's bipolar I. It most likely is bipolar II. When you look up famous celebrities with bipolar, they always have type II, which is weird. It seems type one is most relevant with the use of antidepressants. Anyway this sexy psychiatrist lady was wayyy too pushy. I also have an abnormal thyroid lab result she needs to look into first before I take medication. She was just too hyper and hurrying us along expecting us to think fast so I got excited and went for it, I just let loose and got into the moment which caused her to just keep saying that I am manic. But I am not! It's just hypomania, I promise! If I was manic I wouldn't be able to type as well I as do right now, or yesterday. I'm not usually like this, I told her, I told her about my major problem with social anxiety and avoidance even though I dearly desire to be around people. 

I told her I am not usually high, I keep changing but I also look at my thoughts and can change them. I told her about my thoughts and how I can control them but she wouldn't have it! Manic you're manic! That's all she could say. No no no, I am not manic. That's why I don't feel this diagnosis is 100% accurate, I just don't. And I didn't have any expectations or assumptions of her beforehand, I just thought well here's another blank slate I need to work with. I knew if I thought that she would be my salvation or the answer or my only conclusion that I would be disappointed. I just gotta keep looking, next I would also like to try a psychological evaluation, it is a bit different as it's a psychological not a psychiatric evaluation. This will be quite an adventure because I want to do it to myself.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

One thing I don't understand is why you're wanting to get 10 diagnoses?  Wouldn't 2 or 3 be enough?

I've read it's very difficult for them to diagnose bipolar disorder - and they probably want to be sure. With me it was sort of a classic case - while I was off going crazy overseas somewhere my wife was telling her therapist about it. And even that therapist told her I was probably bipolar and would come home after the money ran out. ( she turned out to be right, which was quite annoying) 

They can sometimes tell if you're high though - even just from talking to you. My old psychiatrist had written in a report that I was manic one time when I'd seen him and I only found out later. I probably thought I was okay at the time. It's often very hard for us to judge ourselves. I think they call it insight.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Well I also read that most people go in for help when they have depression, but here I was going in for help when I have this hypomania, right. I also tried going in when I was having suicidal thoughts and they, well someone else, turned me down! Now if I were hypomanic then probably they would be happy to accept me. In the past, way before my experience with Prozac I was completely mute and so anxious over the top and probably also depressed but more like frozen or almost catatonic. Well if I went in today behaving that way they would totally just say I only have major depression because back then I never even experienced any hypomania or mania at all. And most people go in for help when they're exactly completely depressed like there's no going back and they need help ASAP to snap out of it and that's why SSRIs help. They bring you out. 

I also read that not many people go in when they're feeling high because it feels like they're alive and enjoying life, again it's just 'maya the veil of illusion' and all that crap. Like if you're either manic or depressed you will either be blinded by the mania or blinded by the depression, once you're in there in each one and really deep, you just lose yourself completely and that's why so many end up hospitalized. It's like being blinded by love/lust, oh boy it makes sense entirely how we can lose ourselves! Well my goodness, I never ended up hospitalized even on that ****ing Prozac and that is saying something because I was feeling so alive and so well that I might as well could have gone full-blown schizophrenic or borderline or completely just lost my mind. I don't know but I was completely full blown manic, and hypermanic.

I was also giving this diagnosis a second thought that maybe it could be bipolar I. Probably this psychiatrist used the one full blown manic episode I had with Prozac, well I had more than one on it, as one part of the diagnosis and then I also told her I was just depressed all the time and didn't talk before the Prozac. Now this depression could have come from anywhere! For one the frustration with social anxiety causes depression and isolation, my personal struggle with trichotillomania also causes depression and social anxiety, then the generalized anxiety disorder can worsen into panic disorder and social anxiety and depression, obsessive compulsive disorder can worsen social anxiety - generalized anxiety disorder - panic disorder and depression, and the post traumatic stress disorder can worsen the obsessive compulsive disorder and worsen the generalized anxiety disorder which in turn worsens the social anxiety and my trichotillomania and then you get depression as well, and not only that but bipolar has two sides one is mania and one is depression! Alot of stuff, IKR. I don't need Prozac, I literally have fluoxetine pouring out of my bone marrow.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

harrison said:


> One thing I don't understand is why you're wanting to get 10 diagnoses?  Wouldn't 2 or 3 be enough?
> 
> I've read it's very difficult for them to diagnose bipolar disorder - and they probably want to be sure. With me it was sort of a classic case - while I was off going crazy overseas somewhere my wife was telling her therapist about it. And even that therapist told her I was probably bipolar and would come home after the money ran out. ( she turned out to be right, which was quite annoying)
> 
> They can sometimes tell if you're high though - even just from talking to you. My old psychiatrist had written in a report that I was manic one time when I'd seen him and I only found out later. I probably thought I was okay at the time. It's often very hard for us to judge ourselves. I think they call it insight.


Well who knows, sometimes people like to gossip especially if they're having an affair, maybe she was while you were away because probably she was feeling like you neglected her and her therapist was reassuring her not only in his office but also in your bed. Sorry if I insulted you but I can't help myself I'm so high, still.

Well since I feel high, that is my plan. It does sound over-exaggerated right? I know, but who cares, I think it's funny. I agreed with the psychiatrist that I was high but I see it more like hypomania, I don't see it like mania. Mania was with Prozac, I am completely different/not as extreme without Prozac. And even psychiatrists can make mistakes! Well self diagnosis is itself a bit delusional as well....

I think even thinking and believing you have bipolar I can make your brain behave like you do, which is freakin' cray. Even if you believe and think you have depression you will cause yourself to really have it with all that overthinking and excessive worrying! Well this is also similar to panic attacks, if you can't stop thinking and the thinking is negative and you believe everything, you will have the attack!

Like last year I kept thinking I was going to go in a coma from a diabetes shock or food coma.... And I got into a panic attack that didn't go away until I get my blood sugar checked the next day, I couldn't even sleep! That's why it's of the utmost importance to learn to control your thoughts with meditation, CBT, psychotherapy, therapy, counseling, group therapy, medication, Eckhart Tolle, well what really helped me is understanding what causes something and how I can prevent it. ****ing nirvana I tell you!


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

harrison said:


> One thing I don't understand is why you're wanting to get 10 diagnoses?  Wouldn't 2 or 3 be enough?
> 
> .


They won't match. You can go to 10 different shrinks and get 10 different diagnoses. It's a joke.

Most people at the psych hospital went back and forth between a bipolar and schizo diagnosis.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

scarpia said:


> They won't match. You can go to 10 different shrinks and get 10 different diagnoses. It's a joke.
> 
> Most people at the psych hospital went back and forth between a bipolar and schizo diagnosis.


I think I understand what you mean - but for example with my situation if I were to describe what I'd done during a manic episode, like massive over-spending, flying all over the place, doing extremely irrational things etc - I think many of them would come up with a diagnosis of bipolar. (Plus the pressured speech etc, periods of blackout.)

When you say "schizo" are you meaning schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder?


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

SwtSurrender said:


> *Well who knows, sometimes people like to gossip especially if they're having an affair, maybe she was while you were away because probably she was feeling like you neglected her and her therapist was reassuring her not only in his office but also in your bed. Sorry if I insulted you but I can't help myself I'm so high, still. *
> 
> Well since I feel high, that is my plan. It does sound over-exaggerated right? I know, but who cares, I think it's funny. I agreed with the psychiatrist that I was high but I see it more like hypomania, I don't see it like mania. Mania was with Prozac, I am completely different/not as extreme without Prozac. And even psychiatrists can make mistakes! Well self diagnosis is itself a bit delusional as well....
> 
> ...


It's okay - you didn't insult me. (that was pretty good though)


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

In this video from 8:39 it says, "Early signs include separation anxiety, trouble in regulation such as establishing a sleep pattern, fits of rage lasting longer than an hour, and social phobias." Social phobia! Oh ****, well looks like first I have bipolar and from it I have social anxiety. This video is nice though, I watched it before getting diagnosed and really connected to it, now I wonder if I brought this diagnosis on myself with my self-diagnosis. Hey man, no way, I really feel hypomania so it is really happening to me. These people though, you can really see how they behave when they're being interviewed, some looks sad and social phobic indeed.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

harrison said:


> I think I understand what you mean - but for example with my situation if I were to describe what I'd done during a manic episode, like massive over-spending, flying all over the place, doing extremely irrational things etc - I think many of them would come up with a diagnosis of bipolar. (Plus the pressured speech etc, periods of blackout.)
> 
> When you say "schizo" are you meaning schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder?


Either.



> The unreliability of psychiatric diagnosis has been and still is a major problem in psychiatry, especially at the clinician level.


https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2990547/

*You Can't Turn A Sow's Ear Into A Silk Purse*

*DSM-5 Tests Flunk*

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dsm5-in-distress/201211/you-cant-turn-sows-ear-silk-purse

And it's getting worse:


> Schizophrenia, which achieved a kappa of 0.81 in the DSM-III trial, had a kappa of 0.46 in the DSM-5 trial (Regier et al 2013). Major affective disorders had a kappa of 0.8 with DSM-III and 0.28 with the DSM-5.


https://www.madinamerica.com/2014/09/how-reliable-is-the-dsm-5/


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Very good program. I'm not feeling well at the moment and having to watch this in stages but it's good. I've seen it before a few years ago but I'd forgotten most of it - it's good to watch all the different people's experiences.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I actually cried the first time watching that video and again when I saw it today, well that tells you something. It does say that bipolar has alot to do with being overly emotional. And towards the end they say how the rides from up and down just happen without a reason, whereas in people without bipolar the up and down rides happen for a reason. This distinction here really got to me, and makes me think it has something to do with my daily life when I was young and had to experience a stressful life with abusive parents, the abuse they did to eachother and the abuse they did to me, and even the bullying at school can count, and even before that the trauma I had with my severe asthma attacks starting when I was 1 and a half. I mean it's like living inside a person who just goes through the motions that built up since childhood, just like someone goes through PTSD or another disorder without realizing. 

There were times in my past where I was happy and then this unexpected stressful events would come out of nowhere so I guess I got accustomed to feeling this way and it has continued until now and for the rest of my life even. And the Prozac just made me realize that I can be happy and I am safe and those unexpected stressful events are not a problem at all, not so stressful so no reason for me to react and make it part of who I am. But without it I went back to feeling the down, down, down, and finally feeling up with the help of CBT for social anxiety and learning how to control my thoughts no matter their context, ****ing helps alot. I just trick myself that I will be fine and I don't need to react to stressful events. The up and down in bipolar is just an old way of reacting that's stuck around in case life gets out of control like it has in youth. It's a scary survival mechanism as is depression alone.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I do remember having delusions of grandeur in 8th grade when I was in special ed and being bullied in there and on the bus home. I was thinking that I would become an astronomer and save the world. This desire to save the world is actually pretty common among humans so then why is it so bad in my case that it would lead to be a delusion? I already know having these delusions would make one feel safe in their self-esteem and **** and I deserve to feel good either way cuzin my life was so ****ty. But these delusions of grandeur really kept me hopeful in my life and they still do, not only that but they also push me to take action and improve my life. Even in 12th grade I was having another bout of delusions of grandeur when we were picking out our majors for college and I wanted to become an Obstetrician and save the world. It just seems that I always want to major in something where I am the leader or in charge of something. And that is pretty cool for someone who has social anxiety.... But seriously when you combine bipolar with social anxiety and even generalized anxiety, it's not that severe, as the mania takes over and you can be guided through life on your delusions of grandeur. 

It's not like I want to destroy people's lives or take revenge, I actually desire to help people get better or awaken to their full consciousness through their disorders and be able to live their life. The same way I was helped I want to help others. I feel very blessed to have experienced life through these mental disorders. In a way it makes me think about all these other people I see on tv who go on their own journeys in life and everyone has their own struggle. It isn't always a mental illness, sometimes it's some kind of life devastating illness like cancer and on that journey they find themselves, others who suffer, and the meaning of life. Then there's other people out there dealing with LGBT and finding themselves among others who are similar and going through the same journey in life, they find the meaning of life on the journey they share together. Just like this you can be part of your own kind of journey or journeys and find others who are like you and find the meaning of life from your own struggle in life. These struggles are actually the awakening and meaning of life for many people, without a struggle life wouldn't be so worth it. "Out of that suffering has come their unique understanding of life, their determination to care about themselves and others, and their will to live a spiritually rewarding life."


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

This psychiatrist even said it herself to me in my face, "it's a chemical imbalance." I mean, what's so bad about having a chemical imbalance? Nothing! So I had a chemical imbalance before and Prozac worsened it and now I have another one. :rofl Whatever. Life is a chemical imbalance anyway. It was so sickening to hear this psychiatrist insulting me with chemical imbalance bull. And furthermore can't believe she wanted to numb my highs the same way Prozac numbed my lows. Psychiatry is a great way to make money, she got almost 400$ for nothing but a half decent diagnosis. You can believe it and accept treatment or run for the hills and never look back. I remember my PTSD times very well, one was from the abuse of my mother and the other from an abusive bf. I guess it will return when I go through another traumatic event. It's pretty helpful, it comes to me in my dreams and brings nightmares out of nowhere. I try to escape in my dreams the same way I tried to escape in real life.

And apparently I had to make her add social anxiety to my diagnosis because apparently she forgot. I mean wtf! Social anxiety is indeed invisible if you're bipolar or if you can talk. She did ask me if I was afraid of people and I said I was, but actually I am not! It's more of straight up avoiding people or being reluctant to interact socially at times. I was too excited that day to think twice and provide deeper answers it seems. But she ain't professional that's for sure. I thought she was actually, I got what I deserved - disappointed.


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## fluorish (Sep 24, 2016)

Good for you! Sounds like a positive experience. I am interested in knowing what medication she prescribed you, if your willing to share that, you can pm me instead if you like. Thanks


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## 629753 (Apr 7, 2015)

What does it matter what people\doctors think? If you have depression, you have it, find a way to heal.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

fluorish said:


> Good for you! Sounds like a positive experience. I am interested in knowing what medication she prescribed you, if your willing to share that, you can pm me instead if you like. Thanks


Yes, she prescribed me an anti-psychotic called Geodon. I'm not taking that **** man! Man I'd rather take an SSRI than that ****. No way man, did you read the reviews? Scary **** man just like Abilify or any other anti-psychotic.


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## GeomTech (Sep 29, 2015)

SwtSurrender said:


> Yes, she prescribed me an anti-psychotic called Geodon. I'm not taking that **** man! Man I'd rather take an SSRI than that ****. No way man, did you read the reviews? Scary **** man just like Abilify or any other anti-psychotic.


That bad? I knew one kid in skool that had to take meds for depression (may have been abilify) or something. One of the potential side affects was the possibility of developing diabetes or something. *shudder shudder* I saw it on one of their commercials on TV.

Dunno if they modified the ingredients as this was several years ago.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

impedido10 said:


> What does it matter what people\doctors think? If you have depression, you have it, find a way to heal.


I enjoy being an experiment to practicing mental health professionals, I guess. Yes, I feel alot better about myself when I voluntarily choose to interact and share my life with complete strangers or mental health professionals. It gives me a sense of purpose for my apparent no life or life blockages in the form of disorders. Like I am a harry potter and the doctors are helping me with my magical powers okay. Maybe you're a muggle.

I'm crazy and I'm proud. Yes I am finding ways to heal when I see doctors on purpose. I really find pleasure in our experience together especially with a psychologist/psychiatrist doing psychotherapy or evaluations. There is something comical about that bond I feel when I let myself become so open and vulnerable and I speak the truth. Maybe that's why I feel good because I don't lie and having a truthful conversation with a mental health professional is rare.

If you think they don't understand or get you then find someone else. I'd give them all a try if I could, I'd get myself my career and dick in bed every night and everything to make me happy and I'd still see mental health professionals just for the heck of it. Maybe I have an obsession? Oh god! But I mean no harm, I innately enjoy it, sharing my life with others even if they think I am crazy. Human beings are amazing people, I wouldn't want to miss out on my practicing to unshrivel for the world.

I didn't realize it back then when dad forced psychologists on me because I refused to talk to them. But I realize it now when I can talk to them how much they can help. Even if they don't understand me or get me at least they can taste a part of me. I have this paranoia where I think that anyone I see is impacted by who I am and it helps their area of research. That's what I mean by feeling like an experiment, I don't ****ing mind!


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

GeomTech said:


> That bad? I knew one kid in skool that had to take meds for depression (may have been abilify) or something. One of the potential side affects was the possibility of developing diabetes or something. *shudder shudder* I saw it on one of their commercials on TV.
> 
> Dunno if they modified the ingredients as this was several years ago.


Yes yes, anti-psychotics make you diabetic and extra obese. I would rather be the way nature evolved me. Society makes everything worse, not me.


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## GeomTech (Sep 29, 2015)

SwtSurrender said:


> Yes yes, anti-psychotics make you diabetic and extra obese. I would rather be the way nature evolved me. Society makes everything worse, not me.


Dodged a bullet there! *woosh!*

Always wanted to try psychedelic therapy or whatever; like be under some person that knows how to administer it, and maybe do psychotherapy along with it or whatever.

Guess it'll be one of those alternative medicine doctors that are accused of partaking in quackery or something. *sigh*


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

GeomTech said:


> Dodged a bullet there! *woosh!*
> 
> Always wanted to try psychedelic therapy or whatever; like be under some person that knows how to administer it, and maybe do psychotherapy along with it or whatever.
> 
> Guess it'll be one of those alternative medicine doctors that are accused of partaking in quackery or something. *sigh*


O wow that sounds so fun! It's a better approach to try to open a person's mind with psychedelic like drugs/therapy instead of suppressing them. Indeed, indeed.


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## fluorish (Sep 24, 2016)

GeomTech said:


> That bad? I knew one kid in skool that had to take meds for depression (may have been abilify) or something. One of the potential side affects was the possibility of developing diabetes or something. *shudder shudder* I saw it on one of their commercials on TV.
> 
> Dunno if they modified the ingredients as this was several years ago.


Do you recall if that was both type of diabetes?. That's nuts medicicne causing diabetes. Some medication does more damage than good it is just a big business for them the pharmacy industry. (Apart from the people that really do need medication like my self and etc)


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## fluorish (Sep 24, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> Yes, she prescribed me an anti-psychotic called Geodon. I'm not taking that **** man! Man I'd rather take an SSRI than that ****. No way man, did you read the reviews? Scary **** man just like Abilify or any other anti-psychotic.


Oh I see why'd you want to see 9 psychiatrists then. I wonder why docs are so fast as to prescribe anti psychotics to people. Think I'm heading in that direction though becomming coo coo. Isolation can be like a slow disease.


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## GeomTech (Sep 29, 2015)

fluorish said:


> Do you recall if that was both type of diabetes?. That's nuts medicicne causing diabetes. Some medication does more damage than good it is just a big business for them the pharmacy industry. (Apart from the people that really do need medication like my self and etc)


Probably type 2 or something. I looked it up, and people were complaining. There's more to this; so it's other factors contributing to it, and Abilify loads the gun, so to speak. I just looked it up and found a barrage of complaints and concerns regarding it.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

It seems I am the only person in my family who was crazy enough to get diagnosed and share it publicly even on facebook. The problems in my life it seems were my own fault for choosing to hide my diagnosis even from my family doctor. If only I would have let people know about having bipolar like boyfriends and my doctors then I wouldn't be able to have access to Prozac and send myself into a psychotic episode once again in 2019. Since Covid-19 it seems I went very crazy on my facebook and even added my 2018 psychiatric diagnonsense and I just don't care. I do care honestly and at times of my suicidal lows I feel like people don't like me anymore just because I choose to be so honest with my disorders on social media.

Well since it seems I am the only one crazy enough to humiliate myself and try to ask for understanding from people in my life who I seemed too crazy to connect with, it sure as heck seems that I am the only one in my family crazy enough to get diagnosed. At this point, I am sure 100% that everyone in my family does have something or other but they choose not to get diagnosed. It seems my social anxiety or perhaps it is Autism has left a huge mark on my life and it caused my family, especially my father to take me on adventures to psychiatrists and psychologists. Why me I ask, why does this all make me seem so special to the point of choosing to become psychotic and humiliating myself on social media and my own life?!

I think it's because of my mother, she's definitely just like me and I probably subconsciously wanted to show her that she won't be alone in her craziness, that I was just like her and I understood her. Maybe we're not really 100% similar but having some knowledge in psychiatric illness/differences sure takes a whole lot of pressure off my family life. In my own psychotic way, I try to understand why my own family is afraid of sharing their mental disorders other than the common word "depression and anxiety". Sure you say you have those but you weren't diagnosed, maybe they have something else, something worse like bipolar or social anxiety. But I'll never know.

It seems my family just focus on their own lives, with life and having their own lives, all I focus on is being a crazy person and I can't even let myself live my life. Sure antidepressants helped me try out college and try out being part of society but otherwise I cold turkey and go right back to me, crazy and focusing on my brain. It's not like, well, it seems like it could be the intense focus from Autism, perhaps I am Aspergers, it would be nice, it would explain my intense focus on my own mental disorders and only seeming to want to talk about those and having a lack of a typical normal life. I can't see the world like my sister for instance with her children and husband, only when she comes to visit do I get to be in it, but otherwise I'm in myself only!

It's a lonely life, even moreso now because Covid-19, but everything I used to do before and everywhere I used to go, these mental disorders of mine went along with me. I was using myself to understand people and the world around me. I can't just forget about it, and live like a shallow person, I feel incredibly deep even though I might appear awkward to others. Perhaps my mother is deep as well, and my father loves to call her a crazy woman, perhaps by now I am also known as a crazy person. You know how words get thrown around these days. Being called crazy is another word for being misunderstood. They don't understand me, how weak they are, lol it's that line from the Polish movie Suicide Room. Well, maybe they just don't want to understand me, I wonder if I understand them myself, I just want to be understood, well at least with this diagnosis and humiliation in my life I can have my mother feel better and I can understand my family and the world.

I am probably too delusional and make up assumptions about people, you know how social anxiety makes us seem like everyone is paying attention to me me me. No way, they're paying attention to their own lives. But it's hard to shake it off sometimes, most of the times, it's so hard to shake it off and leave myself alone. I am my own worst bully, critic, life destroyer. Growing up thinking and feeling this way sure left a number on me. Six66 doomed. I just need to recalibrate myself and focus just on myself and avoid those external assumptions that everyone hates me. But it sure seems that way. But it isn't! It's like an illusion, it's like being very brave and stupid to the point of coming out and feeling like people don't like you because you're brave enough to humiliate yourself. Most people wouldn't share their problems with the world, but here I am. Those kinds of things, I guess I am more personable than most people and I should feel good for being different. 

Every person in the world does see themselves and their own lives differently. Sure we all have the same brain, but our brains and our minds are quite different. Our cultures are different, our upbringing is different, our families are normal or crazy in their own ways. Our beliefs and values are different. It's all a fractal within a fractal within a fractal! And here I am, twisted and pulled by my own illusions wondering why I am different. Nah, the truth that I am not accepting is that we are all different choosing one common reality to be the same. When we're the same, we feel safe, connect, and part of the group/tribe as in the old days. 

Why do I keep being delusional and tell myself I am even more different, ah maybe there is something wrong with me, everyone else is normal. That saying needs to go. If I keep saying it so will my beliefs always be that way. Doing or saying the same things over and over again and expecting a different result - insanity! Maybe I feel lost in the world because I'm focusing too much on myself and my own problems, maybe other people feel more connected because they focus outside of themselves on the real world! Well, there you have it, that's the dilemma of my introspection.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

SwtSurrender said:


> . *Sure we all have the same brain, but our brains and our minds are quite different. Our cultures are different, our upbringing is different, our families are normal or crazy in their own ways. Our beliefs and values are different. * It's all a fractal within a fractal within a fractal! And here I am, twisted and pulled by my own illusions wondering why I am different. Nah, the truth that I am not accepting is that we are all different choosing one common reality to be the same.


Everyone is different but I know at least the feeling of feeling totally different from everyone else. Whether biochemically, neurochemically, anatomically, or in any way. the brains of those with them mental disorders doesnt work the way its supposed to given the already of a pull up your bootstraps society, cultural expectations, etc. Ive taken so many different antipsychotics and neuroleptics that I was too afraid of developing or progressing to type II diabetes and if left untreated leads to Type I Diabetes. :um


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

My father has a collection of notes he wrote from like 1998 mainly having to do with how my mother has treated him. It's so bad! To me it seems like she has pathological jealousy, abuse and controlling behavior, and borderline paranoid psychosis. Well it's her, she's the real culprit of all our troubling lives! She's crazy! Or it might be her brain tumor but either way she's 100% delisional. She resembles delusional disorder to a T especially about accusing and provoking my father of being unfaithful to her. My father has these notes of my mother's behavior to him, since they were married and my father had to live with her crazy delusional patterns day in and day out! Can you imagine the craziness! I sure can. How can they stay together and raise 5 children in this madness!? Even worse my mother used me and my siblings to provoke and accuse our father with her own delusions, aka folie de deux!

How sad it is to grow up with a crazy mother who plays the victim and makes her own kids and other people believe her side of the story! Daily she used to accuse my father of all the women in his life, like he would need to attend a meeting at work and if there was 1 woman in sight my father would fear for his life! She had to know his every move and she would come up with scenarios and extra women in her own head and put it on my father, like it wasn't based in reality. Why would she do this to my father, doesn't she realize she's hurting him? I asked my father why he didn't just divorce her already and he said for the sake of his children. But it's way worse to keep being with her because she's the same, nothings going to change, it keeps going on forever, her nagging my father for her delusional unfaithfulness.

Another reason for staying with her was that she's sexy and he hoped taking her to see a psychologist would help her delusions stop. But how can they? Some people have delusions and it becomes a delusional disorder because no matter what some people tell them, they can't shake loose and believe they're wrong! It's so hard to grow up with this kind of mother and this kind of abuse at home, and I had to take it all with me, it would make me mad at school and probably this brought on my own mental disorders. I had to pay the price for their mess with my own life. I had to become bipolar and stop talking, I had to be taken to special ed, but it's not my fault at all! This family dynamic is an illness in itself! I am just a product. And my siblings got some of this madness as well, the parents make their children into their own sidekicks making them believe bull**** just because the mother is some crazy lunatic looking for revenge against her own delusional disorder!

So surely before anyone blames themselves of their mental disorders they should look into their family history, like my crazy mother. And what's worse is her paranoia and accusations of unfaithful partners does pass down to her children, I have to snap myself out of it before I become like my mother. Well at least I am not that delusional, she does it and doesn't believe she's wrong, my father definitely cheated on her with 100 million women. But how can we let her get away with what she did to my father, I doubt he'll ever publish his notes and who would listen? My mother has another boyfriend and that makes it worse because her boyfriend believes my mother's delusions and thinks my father is a pig!

And I can't even think about my mother and her boyfriend, if he believes her and her delusions about my father being an unfaithful cheater... it makes me feel like my brain is splitting in half. This is all so traumatic. Who can I choose to believe? Well for all my life, of course I chose to believe my mother, but now I've grown more and read more into the psychology of people's minds, and it seems my mother is crazy. Sure I can empathise/sympathize with my own delusions she handed into my life like social anxiety and always being on the lookout when my own boyfriends cheat on me, but otherwise I can't forgive her for making me lose my mind and destroying my life. She couldn't think about her children and raising us in a nice loving quiet home, she was fighting with my father every day, but she could have chosen to stop, but she didn't. Definitely sadistic as well.

I'm happy my father chose to divorce her but I am very concerned that she had to raise all of us in her crazy ways. Even after the divorce she was going on about stalking my father at his work, and dropping us off at his apartments so we can keep an eye out for him and his women. I realize it now why she had children in the first place, we were her pawns, we were used to spy on our father for her, even in divorce. She was never there for us, she kept us starving at home while she took the money and went shopping for boyfriends. I wish I had grown up with my father instead, if they divorced around 2002 then I should have been with him, at least he's not crazy. He's a ****ing victim of my mother's control and abuse and so am I. Probably that's why I am still living at home and with my father, because of all of this! So next time you want to judge me, how about you look at my father's notes about his abuse with my mother? Come on over, I'll read them to you.


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