# Why is casual sex okay for "experienced" people but not virgins?



## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

A lot of you guys know what a burden virginity is and for a while now I've just been wanting to get it over with. But everyone I ask for "advice" just tells me that I should wait. But this is coming from people who have casual sex all the time. So if you do have casual sex, what's the difference if it's your first time or 100th time? I'm really getting tired of this double standard, like there's a different set of rules for me because I'm a virgin.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

If you wanna lose your virginity, then go for it. If it doesn't matter to you who you lose it to (like it doesn't need to be to "the one" or anything), then who cares what anyone else says. If you don't think you'll regret it and want to go for it, go forth and get laid.


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## JohnWalnut (May 2, 2012)

They're hoping to deflower you one day.


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## T-Bone (Oct 1, 2010)

If someone advises you to wait, i would follow that up with a question.."What am i waiting for, exactly?" My guess is that you won't get an answer that isn't ridiculous or pointless overall.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

I would certainly prefer my first time to not be a casual encounter. It's up to you but I can't imagine losing my virginity in a one-night stand situation.


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

I don't see the problem if someone just wants to lose their virginity. It's your life, and your right on how to carry out those actions.


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## ACCV93 (Sep 6, 2012)

Casual sex is okay for anyone... unless you have AIDS. lol


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

It is so weird that you obv don't see what they are doing. THEY ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU. They don't want you to make a mistake they perhaps have made. Seriously? you should listen to them. Or what if the point of you asking for advice? Darn them for trying to help you be happy and avoid mistakes.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

Because there is a false assumption about the importance of virginity.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

minimized said:


> Because there is a false assumption about the importance of virginity.


Agreed. It's not a big deal, and as long as you aren't going into a one-night-stand or casual sexual situation with any expectations for something serious, you'll be just fine.


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

SomebodyWakeME said:


> If someone advises you to wait, i would follow that up with a question.."What am i waiting for, exactly?" My guess is that you won't get an answer that isn't ridiculous or pointless overall.


I've asked that andthey respond with the typical bullsh.t like "someone good" or "the right person"


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

This is quite possibly the weirdest question. I've never had anybody say that casual sex is bad for virgins.

In fact, when people find out I'm a 30 year old virgin, they typically say "go see a hooker" or "go pick up a girl and randomly sleep with her", even though that isn't what I want.


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> This is quite possibly the weirdest question. I've never had anybody say that casual sex is bad for virgins.
> 
> In fact, when people find out I'm a 30 year old virgin, they typically say "go see a hooker" or "go pick up a girl and randomly sleep with her", even though that isn't what I want.


Well in my experience people also have a different set of rules for guys than they do for girls, which is also unfair.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

EternallyRestless said:


> Well in my experience people also have a different set of rules for guys than they do for girls, which is also unfair.


Yes, this is why you get so many guys on here complaining about it.

If people treated male virginity like they do female virginity, we wouldn't have gender wars.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

JohnWalnut said:


> They're hoping to deflower you one day.


This.


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## little toaster (Jul 5, 2012)

Just go out and do it. If someone gets pregnant along the way, well, that's their problem.


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## Superdad (Jan 13, 2013)

WintersTale said:


> This is quite possibly the weirdest question. I've never had anybody say that casual sex is bad for virgins.
> 
> In fact, when people find out I'm a 30 year old virgin, they typically say "go see a hooker" or "go pick up a girl and randomly sleep with her", even though that isn't what I want.


From my experience, the girl I had sex with was a virgin, and she didn't want it to be a casual encounter, and she did it because it felt "special".


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Dita said:


> Because when you are a girl, you are expected to wait for the right person in order to "avoid making mistakes" or "having regrets". You can't see those assumptions as much when it's about guys in the same matter.
> 
> As in life general you will do as you please. If you ask for advice always prepare to get answers you probably wouldn't want to hear.


Au Contra-ire, I heard plenty from adults as a teenager that I should "wait until I find the right girl to have sex." I heard it from my mom, from my school counselor, from my psychologist, from my pastor.

If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would be to ignore the adults, like the rest of the kids were doing, and just have sex. It's better to apologize for mistakes than regret not making any.

And my social anxiety is pretty tied into my virginity, so I know if I lost it and got a girlfriend tomorrow, I would be less depressed and less anxious.


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## fingertips (Jan 11, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> If people treated male virginity like they do female virginity, we wouldn't have gender wars.


yes, both men and women should be tied down to ridiculous notions of purity


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

A lot of people regret the circumstances of losing their virginity. What do you tell your future spouse when they ask you "Who was your first?"

"Some guy at a party in college. We were both too drunk to care."
"Some girl I met in a bar who's boyfriend beat the crap out of me."
or
"His name was ______ and he was a wonderful, caring guy. We were together for 3 years."
or maybe
"You were!"


While virginity is overrated, it is also not something to be discarded lightly. There are a lot of 1sts that one remembers throughout life. Your 1st day of school, losing your 1st tooth, your 1st bike, the 1st time you try a cigarette. Losing your virginity is one of the biggies. It's a memory that will stick with you for the rest of your life.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

> Losing your virginity is one of the biggies. It's a memory that will stick with you for the rest of your life.


If that is true, then my life hasn't even begun.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I never talked about who I lost my virginity to with any of my boyfriends. Nor did I ask about their 1st experience. Talked mainly about past relationships. It just doesn't matter. 

I'm glad I banged a couple guys before my first boyfriend. In fact I probably should have had more sex before him. The first time we had sex was weird enough. It would have been way worse if I had had zero experience.

I don't remember losing my first tooth. Don't remember my first day of elementary, junior high, college. Have a vague memory of trying a cig once (I have never been a smoker). I do remember the first time I got drunk because it happened so late in life. I was almost 20 and it was in Japan. I felt all dizzy and weird walking home.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I understand about it being a rite of passage. I remember all of my firsts, like:

- First time giving flowers to a girl
- First time riding a bike
- First time owning a pet
- First time playing the guitar
- First time receiving a valentine (yes, I do remember this!...it was Kindergarden)
- First time drinking alcohol
- First time being in a car that was pulled over by a police officer (this was my friend's dad)
- First time holding a baby

Etc.

I just don't feel that being "an adult" is all about having sex. Plenty of adults don't have sex...they are called asexuals. I am considered social anxious and have relationship anxiety, so that's why I don't date...but that doesn't mean I'm not a 30 year old, or an adult.


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## kast (Nov 22, 2012)

The sexually experienced people who are telling you these things either had a nice first-time with someone they trusted, or they had a "casual" first time that they regret.

There's nothing wrong with casual sex, but the first experience (thought not always) is more likely to go well if you mutually trust and like the person you're with. You don't have to be in love with them, but you should feel comfortable with them and be able to have discussions about sex before and after (not just "so how was it for you?" "good" "cool"). Leave the one-night-stands with strangers until you've had more experience. Do you have any good friends who would be interested in a one-time FWB situation? That's probably the best option if you don't have a partner.

If you don't want it to be "special" in the romantic sense, then it will go perfectly fine if you 'only' have a good, fun time.
People place too much importance on virginity as some concrete thing. You won't even feel any different. There really is no lasting feeling of "wow, now I'm a person who has had sexual relations!" so you'll probably be disappointed if you were hoping for some revelation that will make you feel like a normal human being amongst your peers.

So... If you really want to have sex and your gut feeling about the situation & person is that it's the right thing to do, you're safe and sober, and you've brought protection and lube, then go ahead. You might have a great experience or a weird experience, but it's not the end of the world as long as you've taken sensible precautions. (ie. don't have sex with a drunk in a dark alley.)


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## kast (Nov 22, 2012)

P.S. Another reason why it's best to have sex with someone you know and feel comfortable with, is that you'll need to know about their last sexual health check. It's kind of awkward to ask that of some stranger you met in a bar, and you don't need that pressure on your first time. Condoms don't protect you 100% from every STI (or pregnancy for that matter), so it's important to know and you'll also need to have a sexual health test afterwards.


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

I asked myself the same question 2 years ago. Had a bit of an existential crisis and decided to lose it casually to a guy friend. Biiiiiiiig mistake. It was exciting and thrilling at the time but in retrospect, there was no real intimacy. I wish I'd listened to my friends' advice...it is SOOO much better in a committed relationship with someone you actually love. Don't just screw some random person to lose the 'burden' i.e your virginity.

Besides, girls are wired differently to guys. We usually relate sexual intimacy to emotional intimacy...suggest that you try for a relationship first. Trust me, been there, done that, not worth the heartache or confusion. FWB & One night type encounters aren't great.


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

Wacky Wednesdays said:


> Besides, girls are wired differently to guys. We usually relate sexual intimacy to emotional intimacy...


I honestly that a lot of that isn't how we're wired but what we're *taught*. It's the old double standard that women attach emotions to sex and men don't, but I know women who are able to have unattached sex just fine.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

You are 20 years old. You are an adult so do what you want.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Amocholes said:


> A lot of people regret the circumstances of losing their virginity. What do you tell your future spouse when they ask you "Who was your first?"
> 
> "Some guy at a party in college. We were both too drunk to care."
> "Some girl I met in a bar who's boyfriend beat the crap out of me."
> ...


For some of us it's a biggie. I couldn't care less when and exactly how I lost my virginity (to a slight degree at least). That doesn't make me any less of a person for it either. Sex is sex in my mind. As long as I'm responsible and safe then I don't think it's that big a deal. I do understand how emotions happen after sex though, so that is not something I take lightly if it happens, however. That somewhat depends on the circumstance and the individual as well.

Having nostalgia for your "first time" is kind of weird in my mind.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

It all depends on how much importance you place on it. I used to place importance on it, but now I don't care as much. I've thought about going the casual route, but I already know I wouldn't get much out of it. Besides, it's not like I know any girls well enough to do it with. It can probably be helpful in the sense that it'll finally take away that curiosity, but I wouldn't know.


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## Anxietyriddled (Jan 5, 2013)

I think its better over all on the psyche to have your first time with some one your at least familiar with and feel good around preferably a girl/boyfriend. For me some times I feel like a damn robot, like it doesn't even matter who I have sex with as long as I release the endorphins in the brain or whatever those feel good chemicals are called. I guess thats apathy. The brain can be tinkered with and one day they might make a drug that makes you so happy you don't give a **** what goes on in your life lol.


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

Yeah I've thought of this before. I've zero desire to ever be in a relationship so if I ever have sex it's going to be a one night stand. I don't understand why it would be considered such a bad thing. Not everyone has the same expectations. Waiting for "the one" is just a bunch of bull, because you might end up waiting forever, who knows.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Casual sex is okay for anyone who wants to have casual sex. :b


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## Levibebop (Feb 15, 2013)

minimized said:


> Because there is a false assumption about the importance of virginity.


This pretty much covers it up.

I'm surprised this is coming from a female. Most of them prize their "faithfulness" these days. (At least the ones I've known)


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

Causal sex is fun but ill tell ya, when you really love the person it is mind blowing.


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## sadcat (Jan 2, 2013)

mezzoforte said:


> Casual sex is okay for anyone who wants to have casual sex. :b


:clap

I'm quite happy being a virgin, but I'm all for anyone doing whatever he or she wants to do in a safe, sane, legal way.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

Doesn't this part of the forum specifically say "No sex"? :b


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

EternallyRestless said:


> I honestly that a lot of that isn't how we're wired but what we're *taught*. It's the old double standard that women attach emotions to sex and men don't, but I know women who are able to have unattached sex just fine.


Yeah gotta hate those double standards. Wish I could have unattached casual flings and not worry about numbers or feelings. Just give it a try, sounds like you really want to anyway...What's the worst that could happen? Awkwardness, confusion and regret? Some guy not wanting to see you again, potentially ruining your self esteem?

Good luck poppin' that cherry haha..


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Strangely enough the majority of woman I have spoken to about this both online and off are completely unopposed to casual sex and probably half of them have or do seek it, so I think that stigma is rather outdated. Nothing wrong with it though, I lost mine on a one night fling with someone from a club and I certainly don't regret not waiting for "the one", I really don't see any non religious reason for doing so. I can for the first time understand when people say that it's "just sex", because it really isn't going to suddenly change your world and outlook on life, that's for sure.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm sure that, when I finally do lose it, I will not care anymore.

Until then, I will rant and rave about being forever alone.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

TheTraveler said:


> Causal sex is fun but ill tell ya, when you really love the person it is mind blowing.


This is how I feel as well, right on.


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## Cnidaria (Dec 13, 2012)

Your first time is probably going to be bad anyway. And virginity isn't that important. I think a lot of people do into it that losing their virginity somehow makes you an adult, a master of adult relationships, but it really changes nothing. I don't regret losing my virginity on a one night stand, although at the time I was very conflicted - as much as I wanted it to happen, I couldn't get over the fact that 'I've just met this guy, he's practically a stranger', and if he hadn't asked me multiple times (how many women have been nagged into sex, ha? Not that it wasn't completely consensual, of course) I probably wouldn't have gone through with it.

How well you deal with it depends on how well you can untangle sex from romance. You learn not to expect anything more from casual sex. I also think that if you start off with casual sex, it's much easier than if you first have sex in a relationship, or at least with someone you know. My friends, who these thing apply to, have told me that they 'just can't do it' and wonder how I can.

In short, do what you want. Honestly, if your future boyfriend or whatever really is really bothered about how you lost your virginity, you probably don't want to be with someone that insecure/judgemental.


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## Sourgirl25 (Mar 25, 2013)

ACCV93 said:


> Casual sex is okay for anyone... unless you have AIDS. lol


I know, right lol


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

It's not that, casual sex is usually frowned upon for anyone, virgin or not, period. Because of std's and putting yourself in vulnerable dangerous situations with the type of people who don't actually care about you, only your body. How anyone can feel comfortable being used or using someone based on lust is beyond me, then again I had a strong religious upbringing.

To me, sex is something that shouldn't be meaningless, but if that's what you want, quite frankly I don't care. Just be safe about it. Do what YOU wanna do, just don't go asking for advice and then not like hearing your doubts confirmed even further, and then you go ahead and go through with it and then regret it later. A lot of posters that used to be virgins or so they claim, post that it was nice, but it wasn't all it's cracked up to be. If that's the case, then I'd rather wait for someone I actually cared deeply for. It's my point of view, many think it's foolish, and I think their stance on casual sex is skewed. Nothing more than opinions, but I'm choosing to stick to mine. That's what free will is all about after all. What's the point of not being a slave if you let everyone else tell you what to do in life? Subconsciously you deem yourself as abnormal because so many kids, yes kids, nowadays are losing their virginity and you feel left out.

So go ahead, do whatever you think will cure you, you're an adult and obviously capable of making your own decisions.


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## ChuckBrown (Jul 2, 2013)

My first time was a drunken one night stand, I was 23. I just expected once I did it would happen all the time. I had a FWB type thing ( but I didn't know it...) at 25 and haven't had anything since. (I'm 29) There were plenty of women I wanted a relationship with but it never happened. I kind of feel like a virgin.


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## Mystic Force (Jun 26, 2013)

There were a couple girls who would not date me because I was still a virgin in my 20's or wouldn't believe me also then being a issue. This started to look like a viscous cycle to me. Its not like I wanted to be but SA can be a pain when it comes to this arena. And as time went on became this millstone. As I have aged I realised how silly this is but if I was in the same position now I don't think I would still have an answer.


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## Gracie97 (Jan 17, 2013)

Casual sex to me is not my thing.
I think it is a very intimate thing between people who love each other...
in my opinion, not just for casual leisure with others (FOR ME, not judging others, everything has their own rights, thoughts and opinions) but I would feel somewhat ashamed if I slept with someone I had hardly any strong emotional connection with.


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## gamingpup (Jul 10, 2013)

rymo said:


> Agreed. It's not a big deal, and as long as you aren't going into a one-night-stand or casual sexual situation with any expectations for something serious, you'll be just fine.


Rymo your such a super hero!


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## OtherBrain (Jul 4, 2013)

I am a virgin having casual sex.


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