# To participate more in class



## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

I usually participate, but only once, maybe twice. Right now I'm in a grad school class with predominantly older men, and for me, being female, thats the demographic that intimidates me most. I always think of things to say, but hold back bc I'm too scared. I dont want to sound stupid, you know? Anyway, next weeks class I will say 3 comments, and one of them has to be long. Just thinking about it makes my heart race, and it suddenly got hard to swallow. Participating in class has always been a huge issue for me, and although I've always forced myself, its something I dread the most.


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## GirlInTheMirror (Jan 27, 2007)

I have the same problem! How do you force yourself? my mind just goes blank and i feel like i physically can't make a sound... Lets share tips!


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Well, its still really tough, and before I feel like I'm going to talk my heart pounds out of control hard. Like I feel like I could be dying. But I usually rehearse things in my head first so that at least I have some idea of what I want to say. And this may not be a good tip, because its definitely a form of avoidance, but it helps: I usually ask a question as my first comment, because it warms me up to talk later. Like i'll break the ice by just asking a question so that there isnt as much attention on me. And then later I'll make a comment, although I never talk for too long. I usually make concise comments because if I babble too long I start to get red. Any methods you use??


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## aznboi719 (Jan 20, 2007)

I NEVER PARTICIPATE IN CLASS..

it pisses me off that i know that answer, but i wont raise my hand to give the answer

i wish theres a way for me to participate more


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## GirlInTheMirror (Jan 27, 2007)

Moonshine, unfortunately i only speak when i'm being asked and that frustrates me cuz my point is as good as anyones and some people say total BS and that okay! i'm so afraid to draw attention to myself. I guess your way is the only way but sometimes i think whats the point? will it really change something if i speak up now?


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

I know how you feel! But what i had to do is set a precedent where on the very first day of class, I participated in some way on my own. If I dont do this, I will probably fall into an SA haze for the rest of the semester and then never talk. I totally know what you mean about other people saying CRAP and you have such a good comment but hold back. I do it far too often. What I really hate is when I want to say something, dont say it, but someone else says the same thing and gets positive feedback. That pisses me off! Sometimes I say to myself, this comment is dumb, and not even really relevant, but I'm going to say it anyway. Other people do it too, so I have just as much right. I do this occasionally just to say something, so I dont stay quiet all class. And no one really cares; it actually seems that a lot of the time people arent paying a ton of attention. But I really do have to hold a mental gun to my head sometimes to get myself to speak. Its the only way.


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## Grantonio (Jan 20, 2006)

totally know what you are saying. I'm also in grad school and always have things to say but I usually don't. but lately I have been doing good with asking questions, and comments. One strategy I use to help me get the courage is I carry a coping card with me and refer to it when I am about to speak in public or for going in any social situation for that matter, and it really works well! A coping card is basically a miniature piece of paper that has a series of anti-SA phrases on it that help you get in turn with reality and out of the SA world that we all tend to live in.

The coping card I use is straight from "dying of embarrasment" SA book, if you want me to post what it says, i can, just let me know.


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Yes, yes! Please post! I only spoke once in class this week--it was no good.


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## Softy785 (Apr 16, 2006)

Participating more in class is also a goal for me, that I think I am ready to start to take on. This is my last semester of college, and in every single class I've had so far, I have not said anything unless asked to by the professor. I'm getting a _little_ better about my participation, but I definitely want to step it up a LOT. I think that if I can learn to be comfortable speaking in class, that would be such a great success towards overcoming my social anxiety! Goodluck on your goal, moonshine. Some advice: remember to keep your thoughts rational about what you're doing, (grantonio's idea about a "coping card" is a good one). If you think of something to say when you're in class, don't think and dwell and let the anticipatory anxiety build. Just say it!


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## Steve85 (Oct 11, 2006)

Add me to this list. There is a technique that has been helping me of late. It's called slow talk. I've learned it in the Dr. Richards audio series. It's basically just slowing down your speech an unnoticable (to your peers, noticable to you) amount. Using this has really helped me stay in control, and it actually relaxes me a little bit in situations where I would be really tense like this one. It took a bit of practice at first but I find I'm a little more at ease when talking in class. (however, I still hate but its an improvement)


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks softy785! I have class tomorrow night so I'm going to try not to think too hard before I speak. Thats a HUGE problem. The longer the thought sits in my head, the harder it gets to say it. Also Steve85 I'm going to try the slow speak. It sounds like a good plan. I'm already getting nervous for class because I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to participate and the thought makes me nervous. BUt I'm going to try all these techniques so we'll see how it goes...


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

bleh...class didnt go well AT ALL last night. I only talked once and I had such a good comment to say and I just didnt say it. It was there, on the tip of my tongue, my heart was pounding so fast and i was really going to say it but some guys started debating about something before I could get my comment out and then I lost my nerve. I HATE this. Its so dumb, and after we moved onto another conversation I was like why didnt I just say it? Whatever, till next week I guess...


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

good luck, till next week


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks unsure; class is tonight so i'll post sometime after...already nervous...


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Ok, I dont even know if anyone is even reading this anymore, but i'm posting anyway. Class is not going well these days. I'm stagnating. I am talking once per class and shutting down for the rest of the time. I'm also not saying things I want to say. I'm going with a new plan of attack for next week. I'm going to write down some comments before class so I can have something prepared to say. That way, I know ahead of time what the comment is and I can't sit there and be like should I say it, shouldn't I, bc presumably I'll have already done that and decided I like the comment. I dont even mind being nervous when I talk, its the sitting there debating whether or not to make the comment that is bothering me the most. None of the other girls in the class talk so its time for me to bring it!


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## gradgirl (Feb 21, 2007)

That sounds like a great plan. I am going to try in next week in my classes also. :yes


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

good luck gradgirl! Let me know how it works out!!


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Sounds like a good plan. Hope it works out. I like your persistence. I should learn this from you.


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## nairam (Jun 9, 2006)

in the past, it really bothers me whenever i could not participate in the class even if i know the answer..but when i reach college i dont care anymore if i remain silent throughout the semester as long as i do good in written exams... (yesterday i saw my name listed 2nd on the dean's list, which surprise me a lot since i never talk in class unless im asked to.. :con )


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Well, I had another dissapointing class, surprise, surprise. I only talked once, and even though I prepared something to say, I just couldnt say it. Does anyone have anymore good advice on this point? I was feeling really bad about it after class, but I talked to one of my friends about it and he made me feel better. I told him that I felt bad I wasnt talking more (he doesnt know about the SA), and he said, not to worry, bc when I do talk, at least its poignant, unlike other people in the class. Still, in grad school you really can't get away with not talking, at least I dont think so since participation is always a big part of the grade, and plus, I want this professor to be on my exam committee, so I need to make a good impression. So I am stil sort of beating myself up about it. Also, last night when I did talk, I was shaky and had that crappy feeling when your eyes just totally turn inward and you cant focus on anything else. yuck. if anyone has any encouragment, words of wisdom, etc. that would be great.


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## BJ (Mar 1, 2007)

.


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## ted_ginn (Nov 15, 2005)

Moonshine,

Let me just say that you should be EXTREMELY proud that you are speaking in class :yes This is a huge step alone. I went through my undergrad classes and never said anything unless I was called on, but I always wanted to speak. I know now that this is not the answer to overcoming SA. I think so many of us are afraid of messing up or that we will make a fool out of ourselves. These thoughts for the most part are irrational. Others may see that we are nervous when we speak, but I think most of it is us just being WAY too hard on ourselves. Just remember we are not perfect, we never will be, and the only way to get better is to put ourselves out there  You are definitely on the right track! One more thing...As hard as it may be, I think you will do better if you just do your best to let your words flow naturally. Remember there are always going to be moments that you won't have time to write down your thoughts and prepare...so you have to learn to be ready for these type of moments. If the best you can do is one sentence, then start with that and build up from there. Just my opinion


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks all for the words of support! They are much needed and make me feel like there are people who care and understand and don't judge me negatively for experiencing what I do. I'm on spring break this week which is nice, but next week its back to the grind. I think that maybe I will go in to class without putting any expectations on myself and see if that works. Thanks again everyone. Your words of advise will definitely be with me in the classroom!


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## ted_ginn (Nov 15, 2005)

I think I can speak for most of us in that we are right there with you. I think it's awesome that you have put yourself out there. The only way any of us can get better is by taking the step you have taken already. Pat yourself on the back and keep at it, no matter what happens.  :yes Good luck and God bless!


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks ted_ginn. I had class again last night and it was ok. I talked once and called out a page number once when my prof was stuck trying to find something in a book. Sooo I guess I could count it as talking one and a half times. In any case, I decided not to punish myself and instead be ok with only talking 1.5 times. I am seeing my therapist again tomorrow for the first time in two years and I think that will be helpful. Overall I really do feel sort of paralyzed in this class and I'd love to break out of it. I talked to my mom about it and she was nice but since she doesnt have SA and is extremely succesful she's like you can get over this. Easier said than done, right. Anyway, I'll update again soon.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

sorry about last night but you are going to have a lot more opportunities, I know you could do it, and good luck with your therapy visit. I hope it helps.


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Ok, so last night, I talked four times! YAY! I was REALLY nervous each time, but I would raise my hand before I even had time to think if I liked the comment or not. I would just do it, even though I was in the throes of major nervousness, and I just said to myself, I'm going to deal with it. I know my voice was shaking, BUT whatever. I'm back in therapy so I'll work on some techniques to manage this, I hope. Next week I'm leading the class discussion...so we'll see. Thanks so much everyone for all of the support. I'm going to keep at it! The key for me seems to be to just risk it all, no matter what. Even though I'm majorly panicking, I have to just go through with it and see what happens.


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## ted_ginn (Nov 15, 2005)

AWESOME!


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Congrats. Keep going. You are doing well.


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Ok, so last week I led the disussion, which went pretty well. I had crazy anticipatory anxiety, was weak, nauseous and tingly, but once I got into class I felt better. I stayed present to the evil voices in my head and I felt like I was able to manage them by paying careful attention to what they were saying. This week I dont have to lead, but I think I'm more nervous in class when I just participate, rather than lead. So we'll see how it goes. I certainly don't feel more confident, just because I did ok last week, although I wish I did.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Huh, I think you are doing well. Hope you feel more confident next week and good luck!


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## christi88 (Feb 24, 2007)

It's getting myself to raise my hand thats the problem. I usually only participate when we are playing like a review game or something and Im sure of the answer. Other than that I never participate. Even though Im screaming inside to say something, like I could never give my opinion


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## moonshine (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks unsure! Yeah, Christi88, I totally understand this problem. Its still hard for me, even though I do it. But once I get my hand up, then I'm ok. I'm still nervous, but at least I have to talk then. If you know the answer, you should go for it! I'm trying to get better at this too. But its a good starting point for participating more. And once you break the ice, it gets easier.


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