# Making friends when you're reserved/not outgoing



## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

I'm plugged into professional, work, and church groups, and have lots of acquaintances but only one or two friends. I'm frustrated at how easily making friends and being friendly is for many other people, and that it is so difficult for me. I've asked for and received a lot of advice on these fora about finding interest groups and getting involved, which is all good, but I already do a fair amount of this already. I can keep adding social stuff to my list, but the outcome is predictable - if I'm very lucky, I'll pick up an acquaintance who might say "hi" to me every now and then. In contrast, in the same settings, I'll see friends and acquaintances glom onto my wife and have great friendly conversations. When I ask my wife what I'm doing wrong, she says that I appear nice but I'm not outgoing. Unlike college or high school, I had friends without being outgoing. In the 20 years after college, I've only made 4 friends, essentially one at a time. Has anyone found good resources to help someone in my spot? I know that the anxiety is a major factor, but that's not going away even with CBT.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Do you try to talk to people at these groups? From my experience, people will in most cases ignore you, unless you take the initiative and go talk to them. Sometimes you have to take that first step.


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

I do sometimes. It depends on the setting. Large gatherings with people milling about are too overstimulating and I'm usually to anxious to approach other people on my own accord. Smaller groups are better. Even so, I do pick up new acquaintances, but not new friends.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

barchaetone said:


> I'm plugged into professional, work, and church groups, and have lots of acquaintances but only one or two friends. I'm frustrated at how easily making friends and being friendly is for many other people, and that it is so difficult for me. I've asked for and received a lot of advice on these fora about finding interest groups and getting involved, which is all good, but I already do a fair amount of this already. I can keep adding social stuff to my list, but the outcome is predictable - if I'm very lucky, I'll pick up an acquaintance who might say "hi" to me every now and then. In contrast, in the same settings, I'll see friends and acquaintances glom onto my wife and have great friendly conversations. When I ask my wife what I'm doing wrong, she says that I appear nice but I'm not outgoing. Unlike college or high school, I had friends without being outgoing. In the 20 years after college, I've only made 4 friends, essentially one at a time. Has anyone found good resources to help someone in my spot? I know that the anxiety is a major factor, but that's not going away even with CBT.


This is very hard for me as well. I have tried joining Toastmasters and it has gotten better but it is still very hard for me to make friends with others. I grew up with a friend who is VERY outgoing, it comes naturally to her and she has many friends. Most people don't understand people who are shy and socially anxious, most people take it for granted that everyone should be able to socialize with no problem. Also, social anxiety groups might help also, everyone is there to work on becoming more socially comfortable and confident. Four friends is pretty good though. I think being outgoing is genetic, some people are outgoing, it is just in their personality. I used to work with a woman who told us a story of when she was a little girl, she was with her mother in the store and she wandered off. A man saw her and stayed with her until her mother found her and the man said to her "Your daughter is quite the talker," because she talked to this man continuously until her mother found them, even as a young child she was outgoing and had an interest in other people around her. At work, if a new person came on the job, she would always introduce herself, make them feel welcome and show them around and help them if they needed help and make them feel comfortable. So being outgoing is something I think we get from our family. I think it comes naturally, either you are outgoing or you're not.


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## barchaetone (Oct 15, 2011)

peach123 said:


> This is very hard for me as well. I have tried joining Toastmasters and it has gotten better but it is still very hard for me to make friends with others. I grew up with a friend who is VERY outgoing, it comes naturally to her and she has many friends. Most people don't understand people who are shy and socially anxious, most people take it for granted that everyone should be able to socialize with no problem. Also, social anxiety groups might help also, everyone is there to work on becoming more socially comfortable and confident. Four friends is pretty good though. I think being outgoing is genetic, some people are outgoing, it is just in their personality. I used to work with a woman who told us a story of when she was a little girl, she was with her mother in the store and she wandered off. A man saw her and stayed with her until her mother found her and the man said to her "Your daughter is quite the talker," because she talked to this man continuously until her mother found them, even as a young child she was outgoing and had an interest in other people around her. At work, if a new person came on the job, she would always introduce herself, make them feel welcome and show them around and help them if they needed help and make them feel comfortable. So being outgoing is something I think we get from our family. I think it comes naturally, either you are outgoing or you're not.


That's an interesting observation about that little girl. Along those lines, my daughter was oftentimes called a "social butterfly" when she was younger, starting in preschool. A lot of girls wanted to be her friend, and she was very at ease and talkative with adults as well - a stranger could ask her to sing, and she'd belt something out. Now as a teenager, she's shy, anxious around people, and reserved, won't sing if people can hear her, and she only interacts with one friend almost all the time. So if genetics is at work, I'm not sure how to explain this shift in her personality.

If I didn't have the fear and anxiety with social interaction, I know I would be more outgoing. Over the last 20 years of my life, my SA has worsened greatly. My fear has led to less interaction and therefore less social skill than other people my age. For example, when someone playfully teases me, even mildly, I freeze up and my mind goes blank. In contrast, my wife sees it not as a threat, but as a compliment, and she banters back. If I see an acquaintance, all I can muster is a "hi" or a wave, but my wife has NO fear or anxiety going up to someone and talking to them - she enjoys it. That's why I really think that SA is pathological - I want to be outgoing and friendly, but I can't make myself do those things. I see threats where other people see enjoyment.

I only have one or two friends at a time and I don't interact with them that much - I don't go out and do stuff with them. (2 of the 4 friends that I mentioned have drifted away, and they were the sorts of friends that I did stuff with.)


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## Holodeck25 (Apr 11, 2012)

Oh how I relate to this. It is so nice to know I am not the only one. It certainly feels that I am sometimes. I have little advice as I am still struggling with this as well. Sometimes joining a group that shares an interest with you helps. That way you are not forced into small talk, you can talk about a topic you really care about as you meet new people. It is definitely a conversation starter. Good luck!


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Yes, I can relate to this post. I have a hard time making friends. My mind goes blank when I meet new people. I make an effort to talk about myself more and mingle more.


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## elle92 (May 20, 2013)

Making friends as an adult is difficult, sometimes even for the more outgoing among us. Like some of you posting here, I am the more reserved half of a couple and it's unusual in that I am a female. Women are expected to be more outgoing and drive the social activities of a couple and when you're not it can be hard. 

My husband has a gazillion friends, is constantly on the phone or flitting from here to there and I'm often invited. I can deal with it for a while, but after a few hours I become bored and/or just hit the introvert wall and want to leave. He, being a typical extro, gets more energized. Now, even though I accompany him often in these social excursions and have a fairly solid acquaintanceship with some of his friends, I can't seem to take it further. Why? I have thought about this. Sometimes it's not you. 

Some people have loads of friends and just don't need more, or you're not their cup of tea really. Honestly! It could be you seem to desperate or you're unintentionally not seeming interested or up to being their friend. Yes, you're not outgoing enough. All I can recommend is doing what I am now doing. Mimic, mimic, mimic the outgoing people. Smile a lot more. Smiling is like gold, and shy people and introverted people often do not smile enough and look sullen without even realizing it. 

I smile like a frigging idiot now whenever I see people and seem super hyped and thrilled to see them. Also, if you're soft spoken you need to learn to speak a lot louder. Yes, it is phony, but it's the only way I can survive literally in this extrovert-dominated world. I have been FIRED yes, and laid off and dismissed because I have seemed cold to people. Well, those days are over. Just by seeming really smiley and positive, people react better to me. And as I said, I watch the extroverts closely when I can and TV too to know how to behave. Also, read books about how to make friends, and the like. I love Don Gabor how to start a conversation and make friends because it gives you instructions on what to do and say. But most of all, yes, you need to change your attitude mostly to appear more outgoing. Go nearly over the top, because I can tell you as a fellow shy and introverted human being, the efforts you think you're making are not enough.


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## loumon (Jul 6, 2012)

I've always found the difficulty of having close friends to be SA's largest cruelty.


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## howard26 (Jun 28, 2008)

Seems improbable. I need to be more approachable, but the fact is that when people are over their curiosity, and find out that i'm very boring, they stop talking to me. When people are curious these days, i feel like saying "you don't anything about me, don't get excited". I guess i want to get them before they get me.


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## Nads (Jan 2, 2013)

Work (unless you work at tight knit company), Church, and other groups aren't exactly great places to form long meaningful relationships. People are there just for their own gains. Best advice is to surround yourself with awesome people who will introduce to other awesome people. Easier said that done.


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## michijo (Nov 12, 2011)

It doesn't bother me. I am part of an artist collective and a continuous volunteer in the green party. I meet and know enough people everyday so that I don't need close friends. All I have to do is take the elevator down in my building and see hundreds of people. 

Having close friends lowers your intelligence, and also they are bad influences. Most friends want to drink a lot or do something self-damaging.


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## N2Trouble (Jan 26, 2013)

To call someone "friend", means that there is a level of trust between them. It is that lack of trust that I have that keeps me from making any friends.


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## loumon (Jul 6, 2012)

michijo said:


> It doesn't bother me. I am part of an artist collective and a continuous volunteer in the green party. I meet and know enough people everyday so that I don't need close friends. All I have to do is take the elevator down in my building and see hundreds of people.
> 
> Having close friends lowers your intelligence, and also they are bad influences. Most friends want to drink a lot or do something self-damaging.


How bad was your SA before you started doing that work compared to now?
You seem well adjusted socially and in charge of your life. Hat's off to you.


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## michijo (Nov 12, 2011)

loumon said:


> How bad was your SA before you started doing that work compared to now?
> You seem well adjusted socially and in charge of your life. Hat's off to you.


Well, since I have been young, been out on my own, homeless and stuff. Then I got my own place and SSI. I hid out in my apartment for a while, then I got the idea, rather than work for money, I can volunteer unselfishly purely to help other people with their own projects. Like, if the green party wants to save some public square or legalize marijuana, even if I never use the square and never smoke marijuana, I still help them do it, without getting paid. It's sort of a way to thwart capitalism. And because I are helping someone else, there is little to be self-conscious of. After all, it is the green party that is receiving free help.

Then I joined an artist collective locally and volunteer with them, by them wine for their openings sometimes out of pocket, or watch the gallery for free while it's open.

In fact, I recently had an opportunity to sell a painting for as much as I get each month on SSI. If I sold one painting a month for 1000 dollars, I would have more than I get on SSI and live easily. I can live on that much a month easily and save money. I already put aside money each month and have some stockpiling. Eventually I want to have enough so I can move to some poor country in Latin America and live the easy life.


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## michijo (Nov 12, 2011)

If everyone with Social Anxiety would join the Green Party, the Greens would take over and you would have a lot friends.


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## ChickenNugget (May 21, 2013)

I liked reading your story.
I have the smiling part down. not the speaking louder part. good advice. I will check out that author.

I need to work on mimicking. You're right-- it does feel phony, but if it's not with phony intentions, mimicking is OK in my book. Some extroverts only understand extroverted language. Why miss out on a friendship due to a "language barrier"? That's basically what it is, to me. Your post really made me think.


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