# why is finding a significant other so hard? but it shouldn't



## onlylordknows (Apr 27, 2004)

it really is an easy concept

you go about your daily business, have fun with friends, go to bars/social events with your group of friends and if there's a girl that comes around that you are interested in, you show some interest, hoping to receive positive feedback

But really, it's so hard for me/us
I'm rarely with friends (if I can really call myself as having friends), I spend most days alone or with family, and I don't mesh well in social situations. Even by such luck that if I did get acquainted with a girl, they will usually be uncomfortable due to my body language. The relationship withers away and neither person tries to make contact. I'm shy around females, unasserative and self conscious. 

I know there are quite a few people on this board who are in their 30's who has never had a girlfriend either and the way my life is going, I think I will be in the same position. I never thought I would be thinking about that or that it will ever happen to me, but it's more possible than I ever thought it was.


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## Madmonkeypoo (May 3, 2004)

I haven't given up hope yet. You shouldn't either. You're only two years older than I am. You got 2920 days to look before the big 30. Most people don't believe it will ever happen to them and they give up too soon. You got time mister. Keep trying.


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## matt404 (Feb 8, 2006)

I feel pretty much the same way. Getting a SO seems to be so trivially easy for so many people, like they didn't even have to think about it, it just happened for them. Almost everyone I know has someone, and to them it's no big deal. To me it seems impossible.

I know some of it is the same problem you have *onlylordknows*, I just don't mesh well in social situations. I'm usually OK if there's a group of people I know around to talk with, but throw me in with a bunch of people I don't know and I just don't know what to do and am too anxious to do anything anyway. Even in the rare events that I do talk to a girl, I don't know what to say or do and they quickly make an excuse to leave.

I'm afraid I'm going to be joining the "30-year-olds who've never had a girlfriend" club eventually, too (At least we can say we're members of a pretty exclusive club :lol).


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## il.robo (Mar 4, 2006)

In the same boat but we have 8 to 10 years so really I think we got time.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

matt404 said:


> I'm afraid I'm going to be joining the "30-year-olds who've never had a girlfriend" club eventually, too (At least we can say we're members of a pretty exclusive club :lol).


 :agree 
I'll be there in five years, and then I'll finally get say that I'm part of an exclusive club. Ten years after that I'll be in an even more exclusive club. I'm looking forward to it because right now I'm not part of anything...


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I'm talking to a girl now but I'm not attracted to her, and I have no idea how to resolve this, because I think she is growing more and more interested in me, and she wants to meet. I feel like if I meet her that means I like her. I don't want to break anyone's heart... why can't someone who I'm attracted to show interest in me?

Just be glad you don't have a problem like this. Other than that, I share your frustration. I like to believe I look at it realistically, though. If you read my posts you know how I am. I don't think most girls would be into me, and I accept that. I don't want to do any work or self-improvement. I feel accomplished in being alive and making it through each day. If a girl wants someone more "successful" or seems heading towards that than that is her problem. I know this may be interpreted as generalizing women but I don't. What I'm saying goes beyond money, etc. I'm simply different and I'm not gonna bust my *** to improve my chances with girls I probably wouldn't like much. The more I think about it, I don't really want a g/f, but I desire the affection, closeness, etc. Overall, it just seems like a game I don't want to play. 

I also have witnessed so many sour relationships, which reminds me of what I was gonna say... I think at our age (you're 22) you have better luck with younger girls, say 16-19. Every guy I know has a younger girlfriend... but my one friend, his relationship went sour partly because of that. This may be because my friends aren't in college, and they hang out with their siblings friends who are younger, and it seems to always be more people younger than us than older, which bothers me... I'm not saying go after younger girls, but it seems to be very common in my experience. I find myself more attracted to my age and over, especially 25-early 30's. Age isn't everything, but.. there is something about it I can't explain. But I've seen so many bad relationships and how people hang on. Think about this now..... are you gonna do the same thing? I ask myself that because I can understand why people hang on to each other. I don't want to be that, though, because I see how much negative energy gets spread around when a couple has problems. And, really, I don't want to be "stuck" in a relationship just b/c I'm afraid I'll never find anyone else. My friend with the younger g/f told me this, and he doesn't have SA (aka better chance than me). The truth comes out. I think it's really sad, though. I don't ever want to be in that situation.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

matt404 said:


> I'm afraid I'm going to be joining the "30-year-olds who've never had a girlfriend" club eventually, too (At least we can say we're members of a pretty exclusive club :lol).


I got inducted into this prestigious club last year. I feel so special....

Seriously though, it used to bother me alot but now I've accepted it. I've been rejected and frustrated enough times in my life that I got to the point where I no longer care. I have zero experience with women and I get so nervous around them I make myself sick. I still want to love someone but I've accepted it may never happen.


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## Madmonkeypoo (May 3, 2004)

BeNice said:


> I think at our age (you're 22) you have better luck with younger girls, say 16-19.


 Can you say "Statutory rape"? :lol


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## nesteroff (Nov 14, 2003)

...


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

> BeNice wrote:
> I think at our age (you're 22) you have better luck with younger girls, say 16-19.
> Can you say "Statutory rape"? Laughing


I guess so. Not to mention a girl who is 16-17 is going through a wacky period altogether, as my friends g/f was. I'm just saying... from what I have seen, guys end up staying with younger girls. Also, girls my age have barely ever shown interest in me.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

BeNice said:


> from what I have seen, guys end up staying with younger girls. Also, girls my age have barely ever shown interest in me.


I've seen it too. I just never have done anything to be around younger girls. I might have to take a 100 level college class like COM ot PSY 100, those tend to have lots of girls in them. I think I would have better luck now than when I was 18.


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## matt404 (Feb 8, 2006)

nesteroff said:


> As I get older and guys notice me less and less, I start getting really depressing thoughts, like when I'm older, how will I get to and from the hospital? What will I do after surgery when I need food or errands run, and I'm utterly and completely alone? Will a housekeeper or a nurse's aid be in the room when I die in a nursing home? Obviously, they will be too busy to be at my bedside.
> 
> .
> .
> ...


I've thought about a lot of the same things. I don't seem to have whatever it is a guy needs to get a girl to like him, so I've tried to convince myself that I might as well try to be happy being alone the rest of my life (I am a natural introvert, anyway). But then I think about what it will be like when I'm older and have no one to help me when I'm sick or help me out with getting food when I can't drive anymore. Sure, that's a long way off for me (hopefully) and I still have tons of time to meet someone, but the thought still creeps into my mind every now and again. I know that even the people here who are 30 or even 40 or 50 still have time to meet someone. I have an uncle who didn't marry until he was something like 45 and his wife is perfect for him. I know there's hope, but it's often hard to see.

I also wish we could just be alone all the time and be happy, but I guess we can't. I'm such an introvert that I rarely want contact with people, but even I want someone to share my life with.

Oh, and don't worry too much about guys noticing you less *nesteroff*. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you personally, they're probably just incorrectly assuming that someone your age is already married and so subconsciencely convince themselves that you'd turn them down even if they did approach you (kind of like a lot of us SAS guys do, I guess).


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## nesteroff (Nov 14, 2003)

matt404 said:


> Oh, and don't worry too much about guys noticing you less *nesteroff*. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you personally, they're probably just incorrectly assuming that someone your age is already married and so subconsciencely convince themselves that you'd turn them down even if they did approach you (kind of like a lot of us SAS guys do, I guess).


matt404 :squeeze

thanks...


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## enlydiazee (Feb 20, 2004)

Excuse me for prying my way into your topic...but just thought I'd like to give my opinion...I think men in their 30s and 40s are way more appealing than younger men...they just seem sexier and mature...my husband was 24 when I married him...he was very good looking at 24...he was much sexier in his 30s...
Now at 50, he still blows me away...and there is so much more added to it, Please don't let your age interfere with your hopes...speaking for all the lonely women that ever lived...and are alive today...I believe someone would be happy to know and love you....they just need the opportunity for you to let them in your life.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I actually feel the same way about women. Women in their 30's and a few hot ones in their 40's are much more sexy and appealing to me then younger women. 

Really though, people do put such an emphasis on age as if you had to do something at this age, or that age and compare it to others. You'll never be happy doing that. 

I've always wanted to live and die young, but I guess that has to do more with a mentality then a specific number.


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

.


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## matt404 (Feb 8, 2006)

ivorydove said:


> I don't think you guys will be in the "30 year old who has never had a gf club", you're here to try and work on your SA and you have a lot to offer so I'm sure you'll meet somebody at some point!


Thanks for your vote of confidence *ivorydove*!


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## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

*Hate to burst the bubble...*



ivorydove said:


> I don't think you guys will be in the "30 year old who has never had a gf club", you're here to try and work on your SA and you have a lot to offer so I'm sure you'll meet somebody at some point!


Joined SA over 3 years ago. Still no change in my dating status. 3 more years until I am 30. Time is a ticking

1135 days (as of March 12, 2006)
27,240 hours
1,634,400 minutes
98,064,000 seconds

oops 98,063,999.
.....

now 98,063,980

dam :*(


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

enlydiazee said:


> Excuse me for prying my way into your topic...but just thought I'd like to give my opinion...I think men in their 30s and 40s are way more appealing than younger men...they just seem sexier and mature...my husband was 24 when I married him...he was very good looking at 24...he was much sexier in his 30s...
> Now at 50, he still blows me away...and there is so much more added to it, Please don't let your age interfere with your hopes...speaking for all the lonely women that ever lived...and are alive today...I believe someone would be happy to know and love you....they just need the opportunity for you to let them in your life.


I suspect that young people tend to think of 30 or 40 as almost dead. In truth, people are generally more mature and "whole" as people -- less emotionally driven, more settled into their personalities, they know themselves better, etc. -- than a person who is 22. Bodies may not get sexier with age, but (at least for people who are interested in growing) people generally get a little wiser, less superficial, more grounded, etc. So contrary to whatever the statistics might say, I think the chances of forming a healthy relationship increase with age.

Btw, I have those same fears about being alone in a nursing home when I'm old. It's not a pleasant thought.


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## archaic (Jan 16, 2006)

Prodigal_Son said:


> I've always wanted to live and die young, but I guess that has to do more with a mentality then a specific number.


Heh, same here.

I'm terrible at forming relationships in "real life," so it's much easier for me to meet people through the internet. I can charm them with my personality before I bore them with my SA. :um 
I just met someone yesterday! It was fun and I quite like him. He lives in another state, so I don't know how long this'll last.


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## heckyll (Mar 27, 2006)

While my social difficulties and life situation make it very difficult for me, it is all exacberated by virtue of my own personality, opinions, and worldview. In short, I have a lot of "out there" views on things, and it's extremely rare that I find a woman who truly appeals to me in respect to my outlook. I do not seek just any ole' female, but someone who likes what I'm doing with my life and is in agreement on some core issues. 

It's a mess.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

You guys aren't missing out on anything. I promise.


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## Mr_Twig (Apr 10, 2006)

Great...I still have roughly 9 1/2 before I get to join your club. Do you get punch and pie? Every club needs punch and pie.


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## bright572 (Jan 22, 2006)

...


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I have a little over 6 years until I'm a miserable 30-year-old with no girlfriend. Right now I'm a miserable 23-year-old, but not because I have no girlfriend. 

I'm actually in the process of deciding whether to hang out with my friend anymore. he is 23 and his g/f is 17 and me and everyone else that hangs with him is sick of her and their relationship drama. I'd seriously smack her in the face if we lived in the kind of society where I could get away with it. She has hit/beat him many times amongst other things. It's like you jump into a mess and you are stuck in it. To me, this girl owns him, but maybe they are both so f'd up they belong together. They act stupid and do stupid things. I would never act that way. It's not women, it's people altogether whose **** I won't take. I would never take the crap that my friend takes. 

Why people are so desperate in their love? They need to be punched in the face, that's what I feel. They are blinded by it. Wake up you idiot! There is so much to life and people stick with people that make them miserable. I don't understand love. I want to be all snuggly wuggly, sweetheartish and cuddling with my nice shy SA dream girl, but not some girl that gives me crap all the time and is immature and irrational. 'F that. I don't understand people.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

BeNice ~ the majority of relationships are not like this. *Nobody* deserves to be in an abusive relationship. Please do what you can to get your friend out of the relationship, he needs you now more than you probably can understand.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

hahah, yea right. No offense at all, Pixie. He is whipped, if you know what I mean. Did you read my post in Frustration? He is getting back with her now... all serious. I'm sorry, but I give up. I understand it, and that's why I give up. Because I could see myself being just as lame. I have no self-esteem and I can imagine myself staying with some girl for 20 years because I thought I couldn't find anyone else. I don't think it would happen but ya never know. I really don't know their personal bond well enough to know if it isn't worth it, but it just pisses me off. He's a nice sweet guy and all I can say is I've been in this girl's house when she was yelling at her own mother for hiding her own pills...... so she could feed her own habit. So, pretty much, "Mom! Why the F do you have to hide them! What's your problem?!?" ... but, arguing that in what would sound like a rational argument, as if it was okay between the two of them that she was taking them. Her mother knew but I guess grew tired of her taking them and she would yell at her in her fit of addicted rage or something. I care about this girl but I don't like to see her with my friend. It just makes me upset and I'd rather abandon a friendship than do any work. Just like the past. I don't deal with these sort of things.


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