# Fear of Sex



## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

Apart from being socially anxious, is anybody else intensely afraid of sex and intimacy?

I just browsed the thread "sex is my outlet". Just _reading_ it made me a little shaky. Why? I'm not even sure.

Here's a fun anecdote! A couple of nights ago I found myself in a vaguely intimate situation. I was with a friend of mine and two beautiful women. I'm fairly certain the girls were roommates and that we were in their apartment. We were in a bedroom, all four of us intoxicated. The other three lay down on the bed together. I didn't know what was "supposed" to happen, or what I ought to do. This was uncharted territory for me, and it felt dangerous. One of the girls actually said "so when are we going to have sex?". I couldn't tell if she was joking or not, which made me extra nervous. Being deprived of intimacy, I would've loved to cuddle with them, but in my fear I declined to get in bed and just fell asleep by myself. Sad.

I think perhaps I'm afraid of my desires, perhaps even a little ashamed/embarrassed of them. I don't want to feel like a creep, or to make anybody uncomfortable. I'm afraid of getting rejected if I express any sort of romantic or sexual interest in somebody. I'm rather embarrassed about my body as well, for various reasons... So instead of acknowledging and respecting my need for intimacy and sex, I push it away and let the fear grow.

Anyone else care to share their feelings on sex, intimacy and fear? Any humorous/embarrassing stories?


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## joe11 (Jan 22, 2011)

In some ways I would have loved to be in the situation you were but I think I might have acted like you too.

For me getting into a situation remotely close to that is the first step lol


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## Rossy (Jan 15, 2011)

joe11 said:


> In some ways I would have loved to be in the situation you were but I think I might have acted like you too.
> 
> *For me getting into a situation remotely close to that is the first step *lol


Ha snap:haha


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

I'm terrified of intimacy... kissing, sex, etc. I've been hit on a lot, and offered sex (in subtle ways and straight out "let's have sex"), but it's just not who I am. I feel like I really need a connection with someone I really trust before I could bring myself to being intimate (also I'm scared out of mind).

Also @ OP, I also feel somewhat ashamed when it comes to my desires and the idea of sex, even though it's incredibly normal, I don't know... I feel dirty. I've been trying to rationalize being alone and not having sex, but it's getting harder and harder to do as I get older, I know it's perfectly normal and I need to stop being a scared little dork. :\

Oh, mommy issues.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

It seems it was mostly the wrong situation in the example. I used to be afraid of all sex and intimacy stuff, but even now still couldn't bring myself to do anything in the situation you mention, which I've experienced. It'd probably do more harm anyway due to the high risk of STDs and feel empty or icky. I don't recall it ever taking me less than 3 months to feel ready to sleep with someone. One ex commented it engendered more trust in me that I wouldn't cheat. It might have decreased to a third now but that's mostly a feeling. I also share with you being embarrassed about my body and feeling somewhat ashamed and creepy because of desire. This latter one is very recent, however.


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> It seems it was mostly the wrong situation in the example. I used to be afraid of all sex and intimacy stuff, but even now still couldn't bring myself to do anything in the situation you mention, which I've experienced. It'd probably do more harm anyway due to the high risk of STDs and feel empty or icky. I don't recall it ever taking me less than 3 months to feel ready to sleep with someone. One ex commented it engendered more trust in me that I wouldn't cheat. It might have decreased to a third now but that's mostly a feeling. I also share with you being embarrassed about my body and feeling somewhat ashamed and creepy because of desire. This latter one is very recent, however.


It was a rather awkward situation for me. While I wasn't feeling particularly turned on myself, I didn't want to _disappoint_ my new friends if they were expecting sex. Now that I read this, I realize how very odd it sounds. I wasn't paying attention to my own desires then. Instead I was trying to fulfil my "role", as I imagined it. That would require fulfilling other people's desires. This is pretty much how all my relations are: I ignore my own needs and take it upon myself to cater to those of other people. I don't do this entirely out of altruism; it's mainly because of fear and low self-esteem.


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## Starch (Dec 15, 2010)

Maybe youre just asexual. How often do you masturbate?


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

Starch said:


> Maybe youre just asexual. How often do you masturbate?


I'm not asexual. I wish I were.


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## umieraj (Jan 8, 2011)

LatchKeyKid said:


> I think perhaps I'm afraid of my desires, perhaps even a little ashamed/embarrassed of them. I don't want to feel like a creep, or to make anybody uncomfortable. *I'm afraid of getting rejected if I express any sort of romantic or sexual interest in somebody. I'm rather embarrassed about my body as well, for various reasons...* So instead of acknowledging and respecting my need for intimacy and sex, I push it away and let the fear grow.


These are my reasons for being afraid of sex. I think I'm so afraid of it that I've actually convinced myself that I don't need it or want it. The thought of it is just so alien and frightening to me that I'd rather just live without it.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

I'm bleedin terrified of it. The supposed inevitable conclusion to any romantic relationship just puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on one act. I guess it's just a deep set fear of disappointing the other person. Everyone else seemed to get their fill of rubbish awkward sex when they were 15, that old 'misconception' seems all too valid. I'd only want to do it with someone I really cared about, but I wouldn't want to risk that sort of embarrassment with someone that mattered that much to me.

All in all I'd rather just avoid it. More trouble than it's worth.


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## sberkley (Jan 28, 2010)

Eh , sex isnt all they blow it up to be anyway .
I have been married 26 years and sex is just eh ...


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

sberkley said:


> Eh , sex isnt all they blow it up to be anyway .
> I have been married 26 years and sex is just eh ...


Sex is no big deal when you're getting it. Sex is probably no big deal when you're used to it. When you haven't so much as kissed a girl since 2007, sex becomes a major preoccupation. It's a need.


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## Livvle (Nov 10, 2010)

I hate the thoguht of sex, it's caused me a LOT of problems.... especially as I've been with my boyfriend now for 4 years and not a lot is happening in that department.
I don't even like him kissing me, I kinda push him away.
It's not because I don't love him, it's just that I'm really scared.

Good job he's being so patient =]


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## beatlesgirl (Nov 19, 2010)

Same, sex, intimacy and marriages are, ya know, frightening to me... 

I feel like showing affection is a sign of weakness


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I have a fear of sex, because I'm afraid that I won't measure up to her previous sexual experiences.


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## justscared (May 8, 2012)

I'm the same way. It was a year being in therapy for the anxiety before I even could mention the idea of being scared of sex (I was in denial). I'm actually quite afraid of female genitalia, despite being a female. He's got me looking at clip art style photos and less realistic drawings of it right now, I can barley do that without getting queasy. I can tell this is going to take awhile lol.


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## Chpinnlr (May 12, 2012)

I am becoming more afraid of sex as I get older, the idea of it causes me anxiety and I also have body image issues that add to the mix. I have resigned myself to living the rest of my life celibate, which also frightens me! It's an awful catch 22!


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## Blix (May 9, 2012)

I'm more afraid of being in a relationship than having sex :|. I've learned now that your first time, or first few are always scary, but it's really nothing to be afraid of. Just be confident in yourself and have fun with it!


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## Blix (May 9, 2012)

Livvle said:


> Good job he's being so patient =]


Sounds like you've got a good man


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## flykiwi (Jul 18, 2011)

yes o_o
I want to though..someday..
I think I would be a person who really likes it.
Alot. But I cant ever imagine being that open
with someone.


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

I don't know sex seems odd to me.. haha, I'm sure everyone is a bit nervous their first go?


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## Leary88 (Jun 6, 2010)

I'm pretty scared of intimacy. All of the intimate contact I have had has been initiated by the other person. I really don't know how people know when it's the right time to go for a kiss... much less have sex. D:


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## VC132 (Sep 1, 2010)

Ventura said:


> I don't know sex seems odd to me.. haha, I'm sure everyone is a bit nervous their first go?


yea, probably


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## squidd (Feb 10, 2012)

Well I've always been a little uncomfortable with expressing my own sexuality in anything other than a private setting. Though after a particularily bad, manipulative relationship it really went through the roof. where even the thought of intimacy makes me uncomfortable now (not intellectually just emotionally, much like my anxiety). Which sucks because I miss it so very much, but I'm workin on it. What's working for me is realising the root of these feelings (a moderate catholic upbringing and the associated guilt regarding sexuality driven into me, plus an inclination to associate sex and intimacy with manipulation after the previously mentioned relationship), attempting to accept them for what they are without feeling ashamed of them whilst moving forward.
That said I don't seem to have many opportunities for that these days.


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## Tyler Bro (Apr 27, 2012)

Well...

You could always be like this guy.

http://efukt.com/20929_The_24_Year_Old_Virgin.html


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## Popcorngoo (Aug 9, 2013)

Oh my word you've hit the nail on the head sir! I do have to congratulate you for getting in that situation in the first place though. Kudos! :clap 

I'm 22, and a virgin. I'm pretty sure the only reason I've stayed a virgin is my social anxiety. Or I'm just asexual. Because I've been hit on, and straight up asked for sex before. So it's like....I've had opportunities! But it was either just not the right time, or I didn't know the person well enough, or I felt unattractive, or I felt uncomfortable, or blah blah blah. There is always a million excuses I give myself. And now I've waited so long that my anxiety just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm getting more and more terrified of sex, because at my age everybody's been out having loads of it right? And now I'm the odd one out. So if anybody ever wanted to get intimate with me I'd just clam right up, and be like, "Sorry but I have a hard enough time being able to hold a conversation with someone let alone be completely naked with them and doing an activity that I'm a complete NOOB at where you might be judging me negatively the whole time."


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## dadadoom (Nov 14, 2013)

I actually have a serious phobia to chronic virginity...


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

sean88 said:


> Also @ OP, I also feel somewhat ashamed when it comes to my desires and the idea of sex, even though it's incredibly normal, I don't know... I feel dirty. I've been trying to rationalize being alone and not having sex, but *it's getting harder and harder* to do as I get older, I know it's perfectly normal and I need to stop being a scared little dork. :\


Well, that's a start.


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

I liken first-time sexual contact with the game of snooker (popular here in the UK and increasingly popular abroad). The first thing you have to concentrate on is avoiding the brown when you're playing for the pink. After that, you just have the find your rhythm and bed in.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Zack said:


> I liken first-time sexual contact with the game of snooker (popular here in the UK and increasingly popular abroad). The first thing you have to concentrate on is avoiding the brown when you're playing for the pink. After that, you just have the find your rhythm and bed in.


What if you like the brown?


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

nubly said:


> What if you like the brown?


Brown = 4 points
Pink = 6 points

You do the math... (You also have to nominate a colour.)


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## 8888 (Oct 16, 2014)

I fear sex too. For me the fear stems from sexual abuse I experienced.


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## tieffers (Jan 26, 2013)

Popcorngoo said:


> Oh my word you've hit the nail on the head sir! I do have to congratulate you for getting in that situation in the first place though. Kudos! :clap
> 
> I'm 22, and a virgin. I'm pretty sure the only reason I've stayed a virgin is my social anxiety. Or I'm just asexual. Because I've been hit on, and straight up asked for sex before. So it's like....I've had opportunities! But it was either just not the right time, or I didn't know the person well enough, or I felt unattractive, or I felt uncomfortable, or blah blah blah. There is always a million excuses I give myself. And now I've waited so long that my anxiety just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm getting more and more terrified of sex, because at my age everybody's been out having loads of it right? And now I'm the odd one out. So if anybody ever wanted to get intimate with me I'd just clam right up, and be like, "Sorry but I have a hard enough time being able to hold a conversation with someone let alone be completely naked with them and doing an activity that I'm a complete NOOB at where you might be judging me negatively the whole time."


Don't be so hard on yourself.  Being propositioned like that sounds really intimidating. It really does have to be the right person, someone you're comfortable with and preferably someone you know well. I feel like people with anxiety have a much harder time with this. I know it took me a lot longer to warm up to the idea than it would a non-anxious person. Maybe you need to spend a lot of time getting to know a person before you have sex with them. A lot of people just don't want to put in the time, though, and you have to wait for someone who does. Someone who understands you're new at it and that you won't really know what to do. And if that person is judging you the whole time, they don't deserve to sleep with you, anyway.


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## Memory Motel (Nov 24, 2015)

Definitely. As a 20yr old virgin, I feel like any girl who wants to "go there" will expect a decent degree of experience. My biggest fear is being halfway through loosing my virginity, and the girl just starts laughing because its so obvious that I have zero experience. Developing normally is so essential, and being an obvious male virgin at an older age is a major red flag.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Memory Motel said:


> Definitely. As a 20yr old virgin, I feel like any girl who wants to "go there" will expect a decent degree of experience. My biggest fear is being halfway through loosing my virginity, and the girl just starts laughing because its so obvious that I have zero experience. Developing normally is so essential, and being an obvious male virgin at an older age is a major red flag.


It really isn't. I lost mine at 25, was nervous for the same reasons and told her beforehand and she shrugged it off saying it was no big deal. Since then I've had experience with 3 other girls, told each of my lack of experience and none gave a crap. You know how to move your hips forward and back, the girl will guide you to the rest.


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