# How can I forgive when it's impossible?



## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

A year ago, at a restaurant, I recall this old man stranger befriending me for no reason and talking to me about religion, family, etc. I suppose he saw I was sad sitting alone just eating my food during my break.

Eventually he told me about his family and his story and as a reward I somehow felt inclined to share my story with him, I had an hour break and wasn't busy obviously, so why not, not like I'd ever see this guy again.

I told him how my father used to beat me and my brother when we were kids for no reason at all. He would usually hit me more and wouldn't stop until my crying subsided. Sometimes he would argue with my mother, mostly about money or how he would never buy her flowers or anything on her birthday, anniversary, valentines day. He was really cheap and selfish. Eventually their argument would heat up so much he would wake us up and start hitting us for no reason and wouldn't stop until she threatened to call the police. My mother would tell him all the time she only loved her kids and that she didn't realize she married a monster. He would get jealous and eventually stole my mother's life savings and me and my brother's college fund, everything and gambled it all away on failed get rich quick pyramid schemes and roulette. Eventually when I was fourteen, my mother left and decided to go to Miami and start over, she had a career lined up and everything. She was a skilled RN with decades of experience and didn't need my deadbeat of a father.

I then had two choices, stay in Broward with my friends, with a degenerate father or go to an unknown place, Miami with a mother who loved me. To me the choice was simple, I chose my mother right away and helped her pack, my father wanted to kill me but I didn't care I felt free and I wanted him to know how much I hated him, even if it was just that subtle act of choosing. 

My brother on the other hand, chose to stay. He had friends, and didn't want the change, he eventually did move in with us after he finished highschool, but still he and I were split apart for five long years. My father made his life hell and yet my brother got to keep his friends... It was worth it in his mind.

In Miami my life ended up being hell as well, most of the kids at my new middle school and high school only spoke Spanish and I couldn't understand them, their insults. I usually kept to myself and would only get teased occasionally but when it did happen, I felt alone and outnumbered, I didn't belong. My mother, she never remarried, but she did acquire a boyfriend she took pity on, she never showed affection to him not really, he was like a family friend, a roommate who lived with us for years cause during my mom's divorce he was there for her, he was her driver at the time, cause she worked for a home health agency. He was a former convict and messed up in the head, yet he was still preferable to my father?

One of the only things I brought with me that I loved was my cat, she was in a sad way the only friend I brought with me. That convict scared her off and she ran away, I know she's dead by now because she was declawed and small, wouldn't survive out there for long. That vile man had the audacity to tell me it was my fault she ran away. I was a kid in middle school and asleep at the time he scared her off... I was filled with hatred, one day when he was yelling at me I started kicking him three times in the ribs. I had a black belt in karate and I didn't care at the time for using it for good things only. It escalated and he realized after he threw me to the floor how he can't hit a child, unlike my father he knew he couldn't get away with something even further. So he went out in back and purposely bashed his head against concrete and hurt himself and started crying asking for forgiveness. He was quite the manipulator, nothing changed... He often totaled my mom's cars and got tickets, eventually we moved back and left him, not before he totaled my mom's Toyota corolla one last time costing us ten grand, most of which I had to pay for cause my mother became disabled by then.

I'll never understand why my mother took him in, he made my life hell in Miami and would annoy me, bully me, he also got physical with each of us one time or another cause he has a short temper and ended up in prison twice because of it. Freshmen year he grabbed my mom's head and started screaming at her and she got scared and called the cops cause he was breaking furniture, he was a really strong guy. Eventually the cops came and he put up a fight cause he didn't wanna go back to prison, my mom felt sorry right away and started crying feeling sudden remorse. She eventually dropped the charges and he still had to serve time for resisting arrest, yet he eventually came back and did the same thing to my brother. I recall sitting on the house's front stoop just looking at the dozen cop cars, I've never seen so many flashing sirens so close in my life before. I thought to myself... This... Is my life? Why? I used to be exceptionally gifted, I took honors courses, even some AP classes, yet eventually I just didn't care anymore. I hid from the world. It took me awhile to get my life somewhat back together but I wasted a lot of time hiding. I trust no one, only love my mother and brother, I'd die for them if that meant they could have a happier life, which obviously never would be the case. 

I'm quite good at making tons of positive acquaintances, girls have commented on my looks in the past, I have intimacy issues, I was molested by my cousin somewhat years ago when I was 10. Well he didn't do anything aside from steal my first kiss which I was saving for a girl, he forced a kiss out of my bro as well, he's ***ked up in the head. It makes me laugh he's living a normal happy life compared to mine. I will never forgive those who have wrought pain upon my life. I've spoken with a priest in confession, and he keeps trying to tell me I must let it go but I just can't... I don't know what to believe in anymore. I only attend church because it makes my mother happy, I want to believe in a just world. Many people suffer much worse than me, tenfold and resort to changing into messed up people and the vicious cycle continues.

My environment changed me, I was always shy but I used to trust people. Now I trust no one in real life, I can only extend that trust online, because it's safe. I've been learning how to be more open here and applying that feeling to the outside world and it is making a huge difference. People want to hangout with me because I actually have a voice now. I'm not afraid of talking to people in real life I've warmed up to. I still have trouble making eye contact but it's getting better with some. Yet I'll never actually trust them, never to the extent I wanna go out and drink with them or whatever. I don't even drink, I deem it as a waste of time, I don't like not having my wits about me. 

It's been a year now since I've admitted I had a problem, that being SA. I knew I was messed up socially, but I never gave it a label. That "prophet" at the restaurant told me in a years time my father would call me. He was wrong... My father doesn't feel a scrap of guilt and couldn't care less about me and I share the same sentiments about him now. Hard to believe I actually looked up to the man when I was a young naive child. 

I can't help but wonder what if I chose to live with him, obviously my mother would have been devastated being rejected by both of her sons, so this option was something I never even fathomed before. Perhaps there is one reality in which this happened and my mother ended up in a mental institute because she is so loving and caring, she wouldn't deserve such a thing to ever transpire. I often ask her if my life would be different if we just stayed, like never moved away after the divorce, just kicked him out. She told me that wasn't an option either cause no one was hiring her cause they were racist. I don't know what to believe anymore. Dwelling on the past like this is counter intuitive to my goals. 

I have to work endlessly and tirelessly to play catch up and fix the wrongs my father committed, as well as the mistakes my mother has made in the past for being too trusting.

I don't ever want to end up like my father, yet at the same time I don't want to be my mom, which is quite often the case. I get taken advantage of a lot or feel that way with friends and I just push them away. No one is allowed in, only those who I know can't hurt me may enter. 

This is no way to live...

There was no point in this post by the way aside from me selfishly venting.

However, I do want to know how some people can forgive heinous acts, something so imaginably horrible, can you truly forgive them fully? There is always scars left and those wounds can easily open at the mere thought of these individuals.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow man, you've said before your father was a bad man, but I never expected that your life was that bad or you were abused that much. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that.

I don't think it's ever possible to completely forgive someone for the things your dad, your cousin and your mom's boyfriend did. But you can't change the past. You won't have to deal with their bs anymore. You can forget. You don't have to forgive them now, but you can move on and forget about them, eventually the forgiveness will come by itself. I've never been through something that bad, but when I was bullied and I moved away, I stopped thinking about those losers after a while and now, guess I've forgiven them, because I don't care about them anymore.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I know it's actually sems impossible to forgive some people for the great damage they've done towards your heart.. especially when it's on purpose. But I find easier to forgive them when that person is way long gone in my past and I end up forgiving them... for an apology I never even got. That's the way how it is for me but now... I have this peace in myself that I've never felt before. I always apologize for my wrong doings. ALWAYS.. yet others who have offended me do not feel the need to do the same. Amateurs. One time I apologized to this guy.. admitting my own fault and he rejected my apology. Yet he tried to get my attention at a party one time I'm just like go away. I'm not even going to acknowledge you. You see what I mean?? If you want someone to pay attention to you.. the first thing you need to do is forgive.. otherwise they are going to see that you absolutely do not want anything to do with them and so they will leave you alone and move on with their own lives because they already did what they needed to do which was apologize to you.


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## JezykaFreak (Aug 26, 2013)

*Forgive them for your sake..?*

I forgive simply because holding onto that does more harm to my heart than it does to the people I could hate.


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## ZortnTroz (Aug 23, 2013)

Sorry to hear you have gone through all that, and while I cannot imagine experiencing what you have gone through myself, I can empathize with you. You can always forgive someone, but it seems more like a question of whether you want to forgive them or not. I think forgiving will give you a better closure to the situation and allow yourself to move on. While that doesn't mean the next time you see your father, everything is all good and you start on a clean slate, it just means even if you never see you father again, the trauma he's caused will not continue to linger inside you, as hate and anger within you can just be as devastating to yourself as the harm caused by your father. Holding a grudge against someone you don't or never want to see again certainly isn't going to affect the other person in any shape or form if they are that vindictive, it will only affect yourself more negatively.


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## sebastian1 (Feb 7, 2013)

Why do you feel you should forgive those who have caused you so much pain? Because of your religious beliefs? Sorry, I'm not a religious man. I feel for you, dude, even though I've never experienced a fraction of the kind of pain you've endured.

I'd say avoid dwelling on the past and focus on living the life you want to live. Wait, I think you said that yourself


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