# What's the Big Deal about Having Friends?



## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

I really don't understand it. Everyone on here goes on and on about how much they want friends, but I don't get it.

To me, the only reason I'd need a "friend" is so he could format my hard drive if I died.

(Also, I have no idea if this is the right section)


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## Lithium4 (Nov 23, 2007)

It probably isn't, but whatever.

I've been miserable alone and I've been miserable with friends, but the only time I've ever been anything that resembled happy was when I had a few really good friends.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

I'd think because people want someone to hang out with and talk to besides themselves and family. They want to have someone to go somewhere with, to walk to class/school with, someone to eat lunch with at school/work, someone to understand them, someone who can relate to them, someone to confide in, someone to be around and help them not feel so lonely.

It could be different for everyone, but those are my main reasons. When I've had friends, I've found that I'm not always stuck in the house, I'm not always so lonely, and I actually talk more often. I still may not be an outrageously happy social butterfly, but I feel better.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Friends are people who can help keep you together - bounce ideas off, have a good laugh with, a good conversation with, etc.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Peter Attis said:


> I really don't understand it. Everyone on here goes on and on about how much they want friends, but I don't get it.
> 
> To me, the only reason I'd need a "friend" is so he could format my hard drive if I died.
> 
> (Also, I have no idea if this is the right section)


You sound like you might have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Do you desire relationships at all?


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

Or maybe he's just in denial that he needs friends. I'm kind of 50:50 in regards to wanting friends, part of me enjoys my own freedom but the other part desires companionship.


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## comfort (May 31, 2009)

Yeah, I'm thinking he might be in denail about it, or maybe he's never really had friends so he's not sure what he's missing.


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## rosemarygrows (Sep 25, 2009)

What's the big deal about friends you ask?

Having friends proves, in society's terms of course, that you're "normal".
It means that you are "socially healthy", attractive in some way, and subsequently understand how to conform. Oh and the more friends you have, the more healthy, attractive, smart and alluring you are.

Think about what is glorified in our society. The seemingly, most beautiful, popular, witty, outgoing, and talented make millions of dollars upholding an unattainable standard for all of us to live up to. When there are doctors, teachers, mentors, and others healing society that will possibly never see a million dollars, or even 500,000.

Society teaches, and in some ways, scares people into conformity. It creates an easily regulated population because everyone is so eager to conform for fear of being "different."

The big deal about friends is that there is no big deal. 

Who said you can't find happiness in being friends with yourself?

Hope this helped and didn't turn into an annoying rant. 

xo


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## ivankaramazov (Aug 22, 2009)

well said.


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## EagerMinnow84 (Sep 1, 2007)

rosemarygrows said:


> Having friends proves, in society's terms of course, that you're "normal".
> It means that you are "socially healthy", attractive in some way, and subsequently understand how to conform. Oh and the more friends you have, the more healthy, attractive, smart and alluring you are.


People don't necessarily have to conform to make friends. I rarely had friends when I was younger because I refused to conform to my peers. Now I found some friends where I and they are true to themselves and that is the ideal way it should be.



> Think about what is glorified in our society. The seemingly, most beautiful, popular, witty, outgoing, and talented make millions of dollars upholding an unattainable standard for all of us to live up to. When there are doctors, teachers, mentors, and others healing society that will possibly never see a million dollars, or even 500,000.


Not sure what this has to do with having friends.



> Society teaches, and in some ways, scares people into conformity. It creates an easily regulated population because everyone is so eager to conform for fear of being "different."
> 
> The big deal about friends is that there is no big deal.
> 
> Who said you can't find happiness in being friends with yourself?


I am not sure if you are implying that the only reason people have friends is because they were "scared into conformity." That could possibly be true for some, but definitely not all.

If someone doesn't want friends, that is their choice. It might not be a big deal to some, all I know that having friends is a fulfilling experience. I know it helps me with being more confident in myself and it opens more opportunities in life I would normally would have never had if I was friendless.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Who else can you trust to honestly tell you if you look nice, are smart, helpful, etc, talk to about your problems, play games with, etc?


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## rosemarygrows (Sep 25, 2009)

Originally Posted by rosemarygrows 
Having friends proves, in society's terms of course, that you're "normal".
It means that you are "socially healthy", attractive in some way, and subsequently understand how to conform. Oh and the more friends you have, the more healthy, attractive, smart and alluring you are.

People don't necessarily have to conform to make friends. I rarely had friends when I was younger because I refused to conform to my peers. Now I found some friends where I and they are true to themselves and that is the ideal way it should be.

You've misssed my point here. I'm not saying that people must _conform_ to make friends, I'm saying that part of the reason people with SA want friends, answering the main question, is that it makes them seem "normal" in the eyes of society.

People with SA generally have a feeling of being different, almost disconnected from society and having friends and 'conforming' seems like a way to appease this. However, by understanding that the goal of "normality" set by society is unrealistic, hence the description of the glorified celebrity, people with SA and others as well can redefine their description of normal to accomodate the happiness of the individual, rather than the society as a whole.

Quote:
Think about what is glorified in our society. The seemingly, most beautiful, popular, witty, outgoing, and talented make millions of dollars upholding an unattainable standard for all of us to live up to. When there are doctors, teachers, mentors, and others healing society that will possibly never see a million dollars, or even 500,000.
Not sure what this has to do with having friends.

Quote:
Society teaches, and in some ways, scares people into conformity. It creates an easily regulated population because everyone is so eager to conform for fear of being "different."

The big deal about friends is that there is no big deal.

Who said you can't find happiness in being friends with yourself?
I am not sure if you are implying that the only reason people have friends is because they were "scared into conformity." That could possibly be true for some, but definitely not all.

If someone doesn't want friends, that is their choice. It might not be a big deal to some, all I know that having friends is a fulfilling experience. I know it helps me with being more confident in myself and it opens more opportunities in life I would n

You've misssed my point here. Let me explain. 
I'm not saying that people must _conform_ to make friends, I'm saying that part of the reason people with SA want friends, answering the main question, is that it makes them seem "normal" in the eyes of society.

People with SA generally have a feeling of being different, almost disconnected from society and having friends and 'conforming' seems like a way to appease this. However, by understanding that the goal of "normality" set by society is unrealistic, hence the description of the glorified celebrity, people with SA and others as well can redefine their description of normal to accomodate the happiness of the individual, rather than the society as a whole.

Also, my objective was not to "tell people not have friends" as you said above, it was to provoke thought about why people with SA desire friends so much. Why it was a "big deal", as the author of the post asked. 
I'm presenting an alternative to people with SA, that maybe instead of looking to others for happiness and "fullfillment", as you've described and society has taught us, maybe you could find happiness in solitude since being social is a struggle and ,for me at times, painful.


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## Meee (Oct 24, 2005)

If you don't want friends, then i guess you don't need to worry about it. Personally i like hanging out with people, most things are much more fun when it's more than just you.

And re the hard drive thing: just get truecrypt heh.


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## tim78 (Nov 2, 2008)

Some times I want friens, but most of the time I don't. Too great of a committment. I like my freedom too much.


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## estelle85 (Jan 22, 2008)

Um..i dont really need friends, anymore..i just need my significant other...=_=
sdgdsgsgsd


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## SADuser (Jul 9, 2009)

You should do whatever makes you happy. Personally, I'd trade all of my friends for a girlfriend right now.. but then again, i don't have that much bargaining power. 

Happiness is only real when shared.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

the big deal is that I want some.


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## superhappyfunchica (Sep 26, 2009)

i've never needed or wanted a lot of friends...infact it's just seemed like a lot of work to keep in touch with more than a few ppl. when i'm around ppl too much i just feel drained! i dont want a million demands on my time. i actually like being alone...to a degree. but sometimes i really need someone to talk to and relate to..other than my BF or my family. i guess right now i'm not trying too hard to make friends. i feel i have too many of my own issues to work out...when i feel a lil more sane, then i'll make more of an effort


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

I just want friends so I can goi out and do guy stuff with someone other than my wife or alone. I don't want a bunch of friends as that brings in too much drama. It was just so much fun with my best friend as a teen that I wish I could have that again. I doubt any friedship will ever measure up though.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I don't really get it either. I am unable to connect with people in such a way or enjoy their company for its own sake. This has been the case my entire life. I got diagnosed with AS, which is sometimes associated with this characteristic.


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Lithium4 said:


> It probably isn't, but whatever.
> 
> I've been miserable alone and I've been miserable with friends, but the only time I've ever been anything that resembled happy was when I had a few really good friends.


I feel the same way a lot of the time, that social relationships mostly feel like a drag. I'm used to doing things on my own time and having free space.



shadowmask said:


> You sound like you might have Schizoid Personality Disorder. Do you desire relationships at all?


I've suspected that might be my problem for some time.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

For me, it's important to have friends to share life experiences with. A sunset is beautiful, but even more so if you can share it someone else... as corny as that may sound.


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## jralva86 (Sep 12, 2009)

its been a while since i have had a person i could truly call a "friend". i have kind of forgotten what it was like when i did have friends. some of my friends were cool, but some of them were just idiots and it makes me angry thinking why i ever hung out with them. i would like to find genuine friends though. i cant imagine going through life without having ppl to laugh with, go out with, and vent your problems with.


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## Phibes (Mar 8, 2009)

If you can get by without friends, go for it, but humans are naturally social creatures so we tend to want some interaction. 
I would love to have a friend.


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## sansd (Mar 22, 2006)

When I read _La chute_ (The Fall), I copied down this quote:


> L'amitié, c'est moins simple. Elle est longue et dure à obtenir, mais quand on l'a, plus moyens de s'en débarrasser, il faut faire face. Ne croyez pas surtout que vos amis vous téléphoneront tous les soirs, comme ils le devraient, pour savoir si ce n'est pas justement le soir où vous décidez de vous suicider, ou plus simplement si vous n'avez pas besoin de compagnie, si vous n'êtes pas en disposition de sortir. Mais non, s'ils téléphonent, soyez tranquille, ce sera le soir où vous n'êtes pas seul, et où la vie est belle.


A translation:


> Friendship is less simple. It is long and hard to obtain, but when one has it there's no getting rid of it; one simply has to cope with it. Don't think for a minute that your friends will telephone you every evening, as they ought to, in order to find out if this doesn't happen to be the evening when you are deciding to commit suicide, or simply whether you don't need company, whether you are not in a mood to go out. No, rest assured, they'll ring up the evening you are not alone, when life is beautiful.


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## Dempsey (Jun 27, 2009)

Loneliness.


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## southward (Jul 25, 2008)

I want friends because I am lonely. If didn't live at home I would probably go crazy for having my only social interaction being coworkers.


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## Princesspoopla (Sep 24, 2009)

I understand there are times when you want to be alone and do things alone but I think everyone needs a friend once in a while, when we get sick of doing things by ourselves and sometimes it hurts to see other people having fun together with friends. I think having a friend is important because we have someone there to talk to and it makes you feel less lonely and you can hang out and do alot of things togther and you feel happier; you feel safe and less scared of the world. I think its alot better than being by yourself and living in a world where you feel unimportant because what if you have nobody to talk to or share your feelings with and like when you have something that you don't wanna tell your family, you can share that with your friends. 
It's a feeling of belonging somewhere rather than being on your own because you know you atleast have someone there who cares about you, encourages you and you feel comfortable around them and you cry and laugh together. It also helps you learn how to get along with other people and friendship is an really important part of life because nobody wants to be left alone forever.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

southward said:


> I want friends because I am lonely. If didn't live at home I would probably go crazy for having my only social interaction being coworkers.


I know how you feel. My only social interaction apart from with my parents would be my workplace, but i've been unemployed for months now.


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## march_hare (Jan 18, 2006)

For me, it just makes life more fun :/ Being alone is okay, but there's definitely less vibrancy to life. Of course, this could all just be perception and I can have as much fun as I like alone if I just set my mind to it...


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

I have a two-sided thought to this.

One side of me says I don't want friends; I've had a history of "friends" lying to me, ditching me, and ignoring me. It's a waste of my time and money, so I've had it.

The other side of me says I want friends because I'm so lonely. I'm scared that I'm just going to get ditched again, but it frustrates me when I see people going out and socializing on weekends, and here I am studying in my room or watching TV or whatever.


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## metallica2147 (Feb 15, 2010)

Because it sucks being lonely. I think people are naturally social and even though some of us suffer from SA it doesn't mean we don't want to have friends. It's boring having no one to talk to or hang out with. Good for you that you don't need/want friends.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

To be totally honest with you, the only friends that I've ever kept around were those that made sure to pursue me. Beyond that, I never really sought out friendships for the heck of it. Most of the time it was to network to meet girls, but even now I'm like "eh, too busy; don't care enough"... I'm getting tired of thinking I should "feel" something else, like the urge to socialize.

Still, you have to wonder why some of us prefer being alone. I mean, technology is all around us and it does keep us attached and connected to the outside world, etc...


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

gaz said:


> Or maybe he's just in denial that he needs friends. I'm kind of 50:50 in regards to wanting friends, part of me enjoys my own freedom but the other part desires companionship.


Agreed!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

The few times that I've had friends, it's been the most wonderful period of my life.

I had an experience during 6 months ago, where I had a best friend. Now she doesn't want anything to do with me, and neither does anybody else. It hurts, because I'm lonely and I want to talk to someone, and these people don't want to hear from me.

You could say that I could make new friends, however it seems like I give off a negative vibe. Today, pretty much everyone was nasty towards me. I'm kind and thoughtful, and it seems like those are the _worst _traits for making friends.

Right now, I feel like crying. I'm having a particularly rough day; I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning. :cry


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

WintersTale said:


> The few times that I've had friends, it's been the most wonderful period of my life.
> 
> I had an experience during 6 months ago, where I had a best friend. Now she doesn't want anything to do with me, and neither does anybody else. It hurts, because I'm lonely and I want to talk to someone, and these people don't want to hear from me.
> 
> ...


No way, man! Kindness and thoughtfulness are the BEST qualities for friendships. Your probably just being too critical of yourself; your own worst critic.

You just need to find someone who wants the same things as you do.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

bwidger85 said:


> No way, man! Kindness and thoughtfulness are the BEST qualities for friendships. Your probably just being too critical of yourself; your own worst critic.
> 
> You just need to find someone who wants the same things as you do.


Right now, it feels like nobody does. I'm much older than the people I'm trying to become friends with, and it seems like I'm out of touch with the younger generation. And none of the people my age want to be friends; they're all busy making babies and getting married.

Yes, getting older sucks.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

WintersTale said:


> Right now, it feels like nobody does. I'm much older than the people I'm trying to become friends with, and it seems like I'm out of touch with the younger generation. And none of the people my age want to be friends; they're all busy making babies and getting married.
> 
> Yes, getting older sucks.


Well, I'm three years younger than you. I work with a lot of 19-20 year olds. To my surprise, almost ALL of them are open to being friends with me. In fact, the ones I didn't expect to be friends with me (girls), they were the first to attempt; however, I kind of missed my opportunities, but that is OK.

Anyway, age really isn't a factor because people seek friendships at all periods in life. I try not to measure what I can and can't do because of my age because that is just being self-defeating and often unrealistic.

I would agree that a lot of people seem to be coupled or "busy" the more they age, but if you know where to look and how to ask you'll find what you want.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

I don't want friends because I want everyone to see how "normal" I am(of there is such a thing as normal),I try not to care too much about that nowadays.I'm trying to start liking myself.

Friendship is something I'd really want.A good friend which I could talk to,hang out with,have a laugh and do stuff with.
I think I have a lot of issues to work on,but I tend to think that people aren't that interested.That people seem to dislike me for no reason.Not really sure how much truth it is in that.I think I tend to push people away,close myself off and I'm so afraid of saying or doing something stupid that I probably come off as arrogant or unfriendly.But I'm doing better.

Maybe I'm not ready yet,if you know what I mean,for friendships(or romantic relationships for that matter) because I need to fix myself.Start liking myself,embrace who I am instead of trying to fit into what I think everyone else wants.

It would have been nice to have friends since I don't have a close relationship to my family and me and my boyfriend is going down the drain so I don't have anyone close to me.And it seems that I can't establish friendships online either.I don't have anyone to talk to.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

bwidger85 said:


> Well, I'm three years younger than you. I work with a lot of 19-20 year olds. To my surprise, almost ALL of them are open to being friends with me. In fact, the ones I didn't expect to be friends with me (girls), they were the first to attempt; however, I kind of missed my opportunities, but that is OK.
> 
> Anyway, age really isn't a factor because people seek friendships at all periods in life. I try not to measure what I can and can't do because of my age because that is just being self-defeating and often unrealistic.
> 
> I would agree that a lot of people seem to be coupled or "busy" the more they age, but if you know where to look and how to ask you'll find what you want.


I agree that you shouldn't let age get in the way if you want to do things in life,but something that come to my mind was that making friends really does depend on their maturity level and if it matches with your own.

Like the uni I am at now students are usually from 18-20 and a lot of have the maturity level of a 15-year old. Where getting as drunk as possible and bragging about it is the hottest topic of the conversation.(I'm very over that period,had that in high school.)So because of that it can be hard making friends in college if you are older.(this isn't just a problem for people with SA btw)

Then again I don't match with the making-babies-and-getting-married-crowd either lol..
I think I'm looking for someone with similar interests(some at least  ) and the ability to have a intelligent conversation.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I've got a friend now (my ex), but it's someone who's more like a substitute mother. It's also in between a friendship and relationship and probably always will be.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

I want friends, but only if they are a lot like me. I used to have a couple of really good friends, they were extremely outgoing and used to drag me places I didn't want to go. After one episode where I had a mini panic attack and made a tiny bit of a scene at a party they just completely stopped talking to me.

Friends since grade school, ended in our 20's because I can't be myself in social situations.


So really, I just want to clone myself and hang out with me.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Invisible_girl said:


> I don't want friends because I want everyone to see how "normal" I am(of there is such a thing as normal),I try not to care too much about that nowadays.I'm trying to start liking myself.
> 
> Friendship is something I'd really want.A good friend which I could talk to,hang out with,have a laugh and do stuff with.
> I think I have a lot of issues to work on,but I tend to think that people aren't that interested.That people seem to dislike me for no reason.Not really sure how much truth it is in that.I think I tend to push people away,close myself off and I'm so afraid of saying or doing something stupid that I probably come off as arrogant or unfriendly.But I'm doing better.
> ...


That is interesting you brought this up because I think you are on the right track of thinking. I'm one to believe from personal experience that I can do the things I put my energy and focus on. It sounds a little too optimistic, I know, but I only feel this way because I've done some pretty crazy things to show what I am and am not capable of. I think without those experiences I'd still be second-guessing myself on a consistent basis-it happens sometimes but w/e...

You may just need to realize some things about yourself; come to terms with aspects of yourself in a favorable manner; like yourself a little more, etc. It sounds like you know what you need.



Invisible_girl said:


> I agree that you shouldn't let age get in the way if you want to do things in life,but something that come to my mind was that making friends really does depend on their maturity level and if it matches with your own.
> 
> Like the uni I am at now students are usually from 18-20 and a lot of have the maturity level of a 15-year old. Where getting as drunk as possible and bragging about it is the hottest topic of the conversation.(I'm very over that period,had that in high school.)So because of that it can be hard making friends in college if you are older.(this isn't just a problem for people with SA btw)
> 
> ...


Funny you mention this because you sound a lot like me, except I'm not really in the ballpark for making friends right now, which may or may not be a form of denial, but w/e. I'd be OK with people being friends with me but I'm not actively seeking it at the moment. I'm sure deep inside of you, you know that not all college kids are "immature", but I can once again relate to what your saying. I too want something more of substance when it comes to conversation, connection, w/e you want to call it, so I understand what your saying and where your coming from. I don't like to jump into things because everyone else is doing it either. That has never been who I am, even in the mist of my super low self-esteem days. I'd much rather feel like I am doing it for me, and I suppose that requires a little bit of knowing who I am and what I want.


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## JinxosGirl (May 8, 2010)

Right now I only have one friend, well 2 since they're a couple, and I have enough drama from them to last me a long time. =)


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

I'd rather just have a girlfriend.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I'd need to snuff some oxytocin to find out. I feel stone cold towards just about everyone. I have no interest in banter or hanging out because it does not stimulate or bond me to people.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

I think it's all the clothes and deodorants and perfumes... we need to all go back to caveman days where we could just walk up and sniff each other/rub against each other and get a good feel for whether we like each other or not lol....


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

kidding - don't throw stones.... or tomatoes.... would kinda be more fun though.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

^ Getting that close to take a whiff might help somewhat, but might only work for sexual bonding.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

^but isn't that how it used to be... sexual bonding/mating... kids... and the man protected his mate and offspring... such an easier time...


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

^I'm just messin' around - trying to be clever.


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## strugglingforhope (Jun 13, 2009)

For me the biggest thing about having friends is being seen as normal, and in that more desirable or attractive to girls. I've really made an effort to make more friends over the last couple years, and it has been disappointing - I can't seem to be social/fun enough to break into being close friends with anyone like I used to have when I was little.

I had a past of friends ignoring me, sometimes they were much more social, and I felt like i was a drag to bring along because I didn't contribute much socially - and was too shy to organize things on my own.

The value of friends is very little to me, it is nice to have someone to talk to for advice or spend time with when I'm alone, but the need for that is considerably less than my desire to find a decent girlfriend. In my experiences, guy friends tend to be closed off emotionally for the most part, so it's just not the same as having a girlfriend.


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## homer (Nov 23, 2008)

The happy periods in my life is when I had friends and the unhappy periods in my life is when I didn't have friends. I'm a fairly independent person and enjoy spending a portion of my time alone, but not all my time alone. I enjoy the laughter and stories and adventures. I enjoy helping them when they need a friend and having someone I can goto when I need help. Many activities are just more enjoyable when you have someone to share it with.


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