# SA girl - How do I make it work with a shy guy? Guy input?



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Okay - I met this guy on Monday that I'd been emailing with online for a few months. He's a really nice guy but with me and my SA and him being shy (not sure if he's SA), I never really thought it would wind up with us meeting even though I liked him. 

Well - Monday we were emailing back and forth and I was feeling like I needed to do something constructive with my SA so I asked if he wanted to meet me... it was a lightwieght invitation - I'll be there, you can join me if you'd like, kind of thing. He showed up! We sat and chatted for like 3 hours before I realized it. I wasn't too nervous with him, even. 

Well, I thought he was really nice and interesting before when we were just pen-pals; now that I've met him I like him. He emailed me the next day and we were back to chatting but more fun now that we've met and know each other a little better. I really want to see him again. I called him two days later and asked if he wanted to get together and he was busy but we talked on the phone for a bit. Then last night I called again to see if he might want to get together because I'll be busy with holiday stuff all weekend. (sort of a 'last chance unless you want to wait a while' thing). He was busy with holiday stuff. He is still emailing each day just with chit chat as usual. 

I've already called to get together twice. I don't think I should ask again. Although he says he wants to get together, he's been busy and I don't want to seem too aggressive/desperate. BUT - he's a little shy and I don't know, if I don't ask, that he'll ever get the nerve to bring it up again. 

Here's my question: How aggressive should I be? I think he MUST know I like him with me calling and all but, if he's anything like me, he may be terrible at knowing if people like him or not. Do I tell him I like him? And, if so, how? I don't know if he likes me but I think he must - or why would he keep talking to me? I think I'd be stupid to ask if he does. I don't know how to be forward enough to keep things going with him without being too much and freaking him out. Being forward at all is such a challenge for me; I have no idea what I'm doing. Advice? 
Thanks, 
Wrennie :sas

****** Update**** 12/22

It's been a week and a half of emailing (alot) since we've met and I still haven't gotten an idea if this guy wants to get together or not. I got impatient and, maybe this is unwise, but here's what I've emailed him: 

Hey - I have a question for you. It's rather bold but I thought I'd just get it out there 'cause I'd kind of like to know. 

Are you the kind that doesn't ask people out to do things with you? I suggest things but you always seem either busy or non-committal about things and you never suggest getting together at alternative times. 
I kind of like you so far and I would like to see you (in person) again but I can quit bugging you about it if you prefer to just be occasional friends or even just pen-pals. 

Sorry if this is too forward


** am I stupid for asking this in this way/at all?


----------



## Vincenzo (Sep 24, 2005)

What's wrong with asking him to name a time?


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

I'm a little too chicken for that. Asking him anything is a stretch. Pushing for a time seems way too forward to me


----------



## Urkidding (Oct 12, 2005)

The frequent e-mails are an indication that he is interested in you.
You don't want to smother him, and you don't seem even close to doing that. As a guy, I'd appreciate a girl saying that she liked me, but if you do, I'd suggest making it clear that you are saying that in a way that you think he's cool and you appreciate him. I'd advise taking the light route and not giving any suggestion of exclusivity or affection--too early in your getting-to-know-you period.

Looking back, I wish more girls had given me this shared approach of showing interest and getting to know one another, rather than feeling smothered by those I liked as "just friends" and hearing insults and dealing with hard-to-get games from insecure girls trying to impress me.

I wish you much luck.


----------



## idonthave_SA (Mar 6, 2005)

How about simply showing your emotions, excitment, without putting
any pressure?

Saying something like "I'm really eager to meet you again, if you ever want too."

Then his answer would tell you if he's ok with it later, or not at all.


----------



## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

*Re: SA girl - How do I make it work with a shy guy? Guy inpu*

Well it's impossible to guess accurately since I don't know the guy, but I'll pretend he's as shy as I am and respond accordingly.



Wrennie said:


> I've already called to get together twice. I don't think I should ask again.


Wait a bit first before asking him again, slow down and let him catch his breath. You met him Monday... if I'd known someone online for months and met her Monday I'd digest it for a bit, hoping that the online chats didn't seem too changed and making sure the ground was secure on all sides before taking a step forward. I'm not sure, but if she asked to meet again right away the next few days I might come up with excuses to wait no matter how much I liked her. A couple weeks isn't a long wait for someone you've only met once (with the only friend I've met from online I think it was more like six months until I met her again, though there was no romantic interest there and some driving distance).

Then again most three toed sloths would move faster than me, so if you want to get anywhere you should ignore me. 

_Do I tell him I like him? And, if so, how?_

Say how much you enjoyed meeting him. That ought to do it I'd think, even if it doesn't say in what way you like him.

_I think I'd be stupid to ask if he does._

Professing your undying love and asking him to marry you at this point would be a risky approach I'd think, yes. Just be patient and you'll find out, don't read disinterest into slowness to show interest.

_I'm a little too chicken for that. Asking him anything is a stretch. Pushing for a time seems way too forward to me_

"Whenever you'd like to meet again, let me know" is much less forward/pushy than "Let's meet Thursday at noon." And if he doesn't bring it up again, don't be afraid to suggest a time again after a few weeks.


----------



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I'd lay low for a while and see what he does. After two attempts, the ball is in his court. You should get a clear indication of how interested he is after the holidays pass. If he still doesnt make a move within a reasonable time after the holidays pass, then you may want to initiate a 3rd attempt. If he still has excuses at that point, then something is wrong.

The emails mean he's probably still interested. But there is that slight chance that meeting each other changed things between the two of you and he wants to pull back, but he doesn't want to cut all contact for fear of hurting you.


----------



## Lincolnradiocat (Dec 10, 2005)

I second that. Wait until the holidays pass. Then cut through the bullcrap. You are going to shake, sweat, blush, stumble over words, possibly faint...but you must do this: You must ask him if he wants to be more than "friends", you MUST say you are interested in a ROMANTIC relationship with him. Without doing that, he is going to think you are just a "buddy" and that is what he thinks you think of him as. A "buddy".

Personally for me, the SA stuff goes "right out the door" when I know a woman is interested in me and I am into her. 

With your SA, he may think you only see him as a friend.

There is a chance for rejection, he may only see you as a friend. But this is a step you must take IMHO. Either way you will feel much better, knowing where you stand with him.

Good luck and keep us posted!


----------



## countrybumpkin (Dec 31, 2004)

Lincolnradiocat , I would kill to have my SA behave the way yours does. Mine gets worse when I know a woman is interested in me :b .Wrennie , I am of the same opinion as everyone else , wait a lil bit and let him catch his breath . Sounds like a good start was made , no need to rush things is there?


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Thanks for all the input guys.  I have calmed myself down from the initial nerves I had with the situation. We continue our emails but I haven't suggested any further get togethers so far. We'll see how it goes. 

I am a little freaked out about the concept of trying to tell him that I'm interested in him romantically rather than just as a buddy, although I DREAD being lumped into the "buddy" bunch with another guy I like. How does one get this message across without saying it quite as bluntly as "I am interested in you romantically". That sounds so clinical and pushy. If/when I am in a situation whether it's with this guy or someone in the future - how does one do this? 

Thanks again.


----------



## theturtle (Nov 24, 2005)

I have nothing to add but to wish you good luck! :banana


----------



## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

How do you come across as romantic rather then buddy? By doing things romantically? Nice dinner in the evening, walking on the beach, romantic movies, etc... they don't have to be obvious, but the hints should be strong enough...

but then again I really have no experience in this game, but those would be the things I would do to up the level...


----------



## Lincolnradiocat (Dec 10, 2005)

Wrennie, being blunt and to the point is the only way you will ever know for sure. But if you could do that then you wouldn't be here.

I'm afraid the longer you wait, the more of a "buddy" he will become. You might get that "you are like a sister" vibe from him. 

But who knows, you might get lucky and he makes some non-verbal moves...and you respond..and boom! you are a romantic couple! God if only life worked like that.


----------



## David1976 (Nov 8, 2003)

Flirting is always good... a couple of hints and nudges might get him to wake up...


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Flirting isn't something I seem to be good at - people often don't realize that I like them when I think I'm being obvious. 

What, other than just blunt actions/statements, helps you know when a woman likes you?


----------



## Lincolnradiocat (Dec 10, 2005)

When they look me in the eye, act interested in what I have to say. Smiles a lot at me. Asks about how I have been.

Basically, a lot of smiling!


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Hmm.. I do that, I think. We'll see how it goes. At this stage we'll have to see if we get together again, first.


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

*Update*

****** Update**** 12/22

It's been a week and a half of emailing (alot) since we've met and I still haven't gotten an idea if this guy wants to get together or not. I got impatient and, maybe this is unwise, but here's what I've emailed him:

Hey - I have a question for you. It's rather bold but I thought I'd just get it out there 'cause I'd kind of like to know.

Are you the kind that doesn't ask people out to do things with you? I suggest things but you always seem either busy or non-committal about things and you never suggest getting together at alternative times. 
I kind of like you so far and I would like to see you (in person) again but I can quit bugging you about it if you prefer to just be occasional friends or even just pen-pals.

Sorry if this is too forward

** am I stupid for asking this in this way/at all? :sas


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

okay - he liked that i was direct and asked him BUT I still hate his response. He is OF COURSE getting over someone and 'really not in a position to date'. I ****ing hate that answer. I'm in the 'buddy' bucket once again. The truth is, even if you are 'getting over' someone, if you meet someone you really like you will want to see them. Why would you be talking with a girl at all if you weren't hoping that would happen? Why did he go out and meet me in the first place if he weren't looking for that? 

I'm going to go cry. I'm ugly and fat and boring and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If my son weren't still a teenager I don't know why I'd still keep doing it at all. I don't want 30 more years of this pain.


----------



## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

(((Wrennie))) :hug

You're certainly not ugly, I'm sure you're not 'fat' (that's a silly label anyway), and you're definitely not boring. You'll find the right guy... I'm sure of it.

Confession: that guy sounds a bit like I sounded when I was first dating my (now) wife. I was scared and pushed her away, and tried to put her in that "buddy bucket," and she was upset by that, I think, but fortunately, she was persistent and wouldn't accept it. Just... I know it's hard, but try not to be too discouraged.

(edited to correct an embarrassing typo...sorry about that) :doh


----------



## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

:hug


----------



## itsmemaggi (Sep 26, 2005)

In the end, you should be glad that you put it out there. How else would you know? It's always better to know. It saved you a lot of crap.

You're SO not ugly or fat or boring or anything like that at all. Don't ever say that, again.

:hug 

xoxo
Maggi


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

I responded to him with something that maybe I shouldn't have. :hide I told him what I said here, sort of, without the crying, fat, ugly comment: 
****
I feel awkward a little now. Even though it's good to be honest, I feel a bit like a dork for asking that. 

Unlike you, I am not getting over anything.. far from it, I've been single plenty of time and pretty much know I would rather not continue it. I think I've kind of screwed things up, though.. I don't seem to date well. I'm really freaky scared of it and the idea that I initiated meeting you at all was a bit of a challenge for me to muster up. I have been single so long that I don't know really what I'm doing and I think I screw things up. Well, I know I do because nothing comes of anything. The irony of every man I meet 'not being in a position to date' is incredible. Really, far too coincidental. That's not to say that you are not being honest .. but really, if you were walking down the street and met some really great woman, you might reconsider whether you wanted a relationship right now or not. I just am not the one who inspires that for you. So be it. 

Anyway - I'm venting. I'm sorry. It's not anything to do with you... I'm just in a rotten place the past couple of days. The holidays, maybe. My reaction is certainly not your responsibility. I do appreciate your consideration in your response in any case. 
**** 

I made him feel so bad with that email that he called me (oh, yay! :flush ) to ask if I was okay. I told him that I wasn't okay but that I was okay things with HIM. Then I told him I had to get back to work. 

Great job Wrennie - why don't you work a little harder next time to alienate someone? Sheesh. I'm a ****ing social idiot. :sigh


----------



## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

Hi Wrennie

When I've liked someone, when we have had a date or two there usually has been some pretty strong chemisty that is noticeable.....

Your situation of calling him a couple of times and him not stepping up is a little concerning. He could be "shy" and busy or just not that into you, it is very hard to tell....

I'm thinking that you have done enough to show interest and even if he is shy the ball is in his court. I think maybe to keep doing the e-mailing normally over Xmas and for a couple of weeks into January, if he hasn't stepped up and asked to get together, e-mail him and tell him that you have been waiting for him to "ask you for a date" and that he hasn't, you are going to asume that he's just not that into you. Then ask am I right about that??? 

There is a point where he has to step up!!! You don't want to be in a relationship where you do all the emotional risk taking....

This is just my veiw of course, this boy/girl thing can be stressful as all heck.....hope you find some way forward that you can be comfortable enough with.....

AllTheBest
John H


----------



## Lincolnradiocat (Dec 10, 2005)

This is sad. I have seen this situation in my own life too. But the reality is he just wants to be friends. If he was really "in" to you, he would get over his ex fast. I know this because I have used the same excuse on women who were interested in me, but I wasn't attracted to them. And of course like I said, that excuse has been used on me.

Sorry. I wish things would have worked out better for you.....


----------



## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

Wrennie,

Here's a guys perspective. I think the key point here is that he just got out of a relationship. Believe me, i've been there, and he's not thinking straight right now. If he was the one that was dumped...than he's probably not over her yet. If he was the dumper...he's probably horny as can be which can lead to all sorts of questionable actions. I didn't mean to be crude with that last comment. But I think it's definitely a factor if he was getting "it" consistently and was suddenly cut off cold turkey for whatever reason. I would say be patient. And I know that can be the most difficult thing in the world when you have feelings for someone. Keep the internet relationship going and let him make the next move as far as a date is concerned. It's quite possible he was telling you the truth when he said he just wasn't ready yet.

And believe me when I say it doesn't have anything to do with how you look. Because in this mans humble opinion...you are seven levels of fine (hubba, hubba)


----------



## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Thanks for all the input. 
I'm doing better- can't let every disappointment break me, I guess. 

He and I still email some just as friends. 

Thanks for the compliment, Ali. I understand what you are saying about the guy's perspective. We'll see if that ever develops into anything but I'm not holding my breath. Maybe one of these days I'll have my turn to find someone special. I'm trying to focus more on just having a life that I like whether I have someone special or not.


----------

