# My conquest over SA (no meds, no therapy, self-help)



## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

I have been homeschooled all my life. I am almost 19 and moving 1000 miles away to college 4 days from now more confident, blissfull social and with more freinds than ever before.

I have searched for years to find the 'anwser' to overcoming social anxiety, and through hard work and research have finally found it. I will highlight the major aspects in my triumph, but first some history.

I have been homeschooled all my life. I never got 'out of the house' until age 11. After age 11, and through about age 15 I was constantly picked on, put down and basically up until the past year have endured hell on earth, the flavor we all know as social anxiety. I should also mention that because of my severe depression during this time, I ate excessivly and became extremely overweight and fat (220 lbs, 5'8). Needless to say this significantly added to my self-conscious attitude.

When I was exposed to social situations, I became undescribably nervous, my heart raced, my vocal chords contracted and I sweat and panted for breath. I won't bore you all with the details we already know, but basically I was miserable, and even after I lost much of my weight, and I quit getting picked on, my social anxiety and self-consciousness prevailed, flairing up more than ever before.

Over the past few years I have been constantly researching social anxiety (before then I had no clue what the **** was wrong with me), hitting lowes never experienced before. The past few years I have tried everything, from different thought patterns to talking to myself, nothing had worked.

A little over a year ago I decided that if I didn't rid myself of social anxiety, life wasn't worth living and I was going to take my life, and I came very close several times.

It might have been this climax or something else that made me realise that the root of my social anxiety all along has been my unhappyness and gloom. Unfortunatly, the more I thought about it the worse it got, and the more I tried to fight it with positive thinking, the worse it got.

Finally, I realised that my joking, happy, careless, self around my immediate family is who I really was. I closely examined the way I acted naturally around my dad, mom, older sisters and brother, and realised that I ALWAYS lighten the mood with a being silly, funny and stupid.

So I began to apply this to every social situation, making it a point to open nearly every conversation with a sarcastically stupid gesture, calling my freind jim 'jimmay' or my freind Lauren 'blondy'. maybe shootin somone a quiet yoyo sup dawg, or even saying hi in a slightly sarcastic manner.

Guess what? IT WORKS! IT ****ING WORKS! my social anxiety dissapeared every time! and now I don't think about it at all, EVER! I can be serious, work through serious issues and am usually SERIOUS, but allowing that little bit of humor to slip by has given me the ability to laugh at being laughed at, or at my mistakes, and ENJOY social interactions.

So what am I saying? PLEASE PLEASE give this a shot. I have had social anxiety for as long as i can remmember, and it is the most miserable damn existence on this planet, and my new found ability to act myself around everyone and to socialise constantly has made life worth living 100 times over. I never want to die...EVER

*Highlighted tips #1* greet people with sarcasim, a joke, a flirt, anything to lighten your own mood. Don't hesitate to be sarcastic or jokistic all the time, even an ironic comment during a serious conversation helps. It really lightens the mood for yourself especially, and it helps when people laugh, it really does.

*#2* I found that writing the following on a slip of paper, and keeping it in the wallet/purse readily available helped in conjunction w/ tip #1 IMMENSLY

_ Understand - all parts of your anxiety, the physical symptoms, the thoughts and beleifs, and your safety avoidance (avoiding social situations) behavoirs

Reduce Negative Thoughts - by looking for and challenging thinking errors, use balanced thoughts to get a fairer picture of yourself

Reduce self-processing by trying not to moniter your own physical symptoms and thoughts, Look to what is going on around you!

Reduce avoidance and safety behaviors - By gradually facing situations you fear while reducing safety behavoirs

Tackle the physical symptoms - using relaxation techniques

I found that when my social anxiety began to flair up (which was pretty much during any public setting), it helped immensly to find a bathroom or some place private and to pull out this card and read it several times, and to spend a few minutes concentrating on it.

It also might be helpful to note that I do smoke once a week or so, it helps releve nervousness, but have done so since I was about 15 and it is NOT in itself the anwser.

I promised myself years ago that if I ever overcame social anxiety, that I would never look back. I have posted this so others may overcome it using self help. I know how horrible social anxiety is, and I sincerly hope this helps somone, or that somone atleast gives this a shot, it worked for me, it FREED me. I love life, and have for a while now. I really do...

I apologize for the somewhat cursory post, as I am short on time with four days till college, and wasn't intending on posting at all, but I want to help other liberate themselves from the hell I endured since childhood. If anyone would like to talk to me more about it, feel free to email me at [email protected]

Goodluck

-Tim_


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## PuzzledMike (Nov 30, 2004)

Great post! :banana 

It's taken me a lot of money and time with therapy and self-help groups to get to the same conclusions! Good on you for getting there and for being willing to take time to help others!


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## blinkineyes (Apr 29, 2004)

Wonderful post friend!!!

Life is full of choices and you made the necessary choices to be where you are right now. Now, all i need is the motivation and staying power to succeed like you. Thanks for the great post!!!


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## travo (May 20, 2004)

You know you may have a point. I am a very funny, offbeat, nonsense kind of person with people I'm comfortable with. Everyone else I shutdown with completely. Maybe I just have to treat everyone the same way... er um nevermind my ponderings

congrats on your success :banana


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## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

Don't hesitate to voice your ponderings, that describes exactly how I was.

This will probably be my last post, so feel free to email me, I would be more than willing to try and help anyone. 

I just wanted to add that doing what I described helped to 'break the ice' so to speak, which seemed to form when socialising with even people ive known for years. I've also had to work on not looking back, or repeating what I said to someone over and over in my head, each time cringing at my words. I told myself that you can't take back what's said, its not that bad either, and you can always say more. Goodluck all of you, and thanks.

Tim


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Thief13x,

I hope that you r inital post will be around a while, so that we can process it all. I think it's grerat that you have done well for yourself with this! Take care of yourself and good luck in college. If you ever cross paths with the forum, just drop us a hello and an update - you are always welcome!

Thank you,


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## User (Mar 20, 2004)

I think this is all very good advice and I wish you much success in your life now that you've conquered SA. You sound a bit like myself and I've used many of these techniques in my own life.

I'll add a few extra words of advice. The best thing to do is to find your own style. This is one, but it doesn't fit everyone. The point is to be yourself and to find your own way to interact and relate to people.

One danger of this style is that you run the risk of relying on humor/sarcasm/etc. to get through social situations. Speaking from personal experience, you don't want this to happen. I've had several friendships that never gained any depth because I didn't allow them to by using humor as a crutch. I'd suggest that these techniques should only be used in moderation.

Thief, please pay us a visit every once and awhile. We'll all be interested to hear how you're doing in life.


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## rjridley (Jul 28, 2005)

I definitely will have some questions after i digest this whole post. Thanks for posting.


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## conscious (Oct 14, 2004)

thanx great.... im like that sometimes but still some situations get to me.


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## Guest (Aug 27, 2005)

yup thief, you did good, you did good....hey what did you steal lately?


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## russo (Aug 28, 2005)

*humor*



User said:


> One danger of this style is that you run the risk of relying on humor/sarcasm/etc. to get through social situations. Speaking from personal experience, you don't want this to happen. I've had several friendships that never gained any depth because I didn't allow them to by using humor as a crutch. I'd suggest that these techniques should only be used in moderation.
> .


This is true and always a fear of mine. I am a constant joker and, to be honest, good at it. (I think all those hours within my own head created a quick wit). But this does distance me from people because it allows me to perform rather than interact. It also could turn me into David Brent from 'The Office' (BBC version). That is textbook of somebody using humor as a sheild (poorily in his case).


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2005)

lovely post.
im so glad you've finally mostly voercome your anxiiety... ( scuse the typos ) i sort of realized this too, that the more you dwell upon the ANXIETY, picking at it, crying and wailing about it, the worse it becomes. Its best to work towards improvement with bright thoughts and a bright mindset

i for one, am not seeing a therapist, ( although im going to keep it as an option since im beginning my senior year in HS tommorow and i dont know if ill need the therapist ) i dont know if i want to take medication, im trying several herbal supplements ( that i can get at the vitamin store ) 
ive been taking passion flower lemon balm and colostrum like robo from the forum suggested, and perhaps the belief that the colostrum was working was a placebo, who knows? but my belief that i was going to get better strengthened me and the anxiety disappeared and i was my normal self, in my summer class- which had like 7 ppl...

it was beautiful, especially because ive never considered myself a shy person
anyway i hope things will get better for you at college, never give up, im going to be in your shoes in about a year, im applying next month.

: )


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## User (Mar 20, 2004)

*Re: humor*



russo said:


> This is true and always a fear of mine. I am a constant joker and, to be honest, good at it. (I think all those hours within my own head created a quick wit). But this does distance me from people because it allows me to perform rather than interact. It also could turn me into David Brent from 'The Office' (BBC version). That is textbook of somebody using humor as a sheild (poorily in his case).


You sound a lot like myself. I hope people heed the dangers of relying on humor as a crutch. To a socially isolated SAer, the funny guy getting all the laughs and being the center of attention looks really good. But relying on humor to get by socially can be just as lonely as any "regular" SAer's life. When you start performing instead of interacting, then you know you've finally hit a brick wall. Luckily, I realized this fairly early on so I'm on the lookout in case I start going down that road (again). It's just too easy, though, to revert to being the "funny guy" as an easy way out.


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## Sweetangel (Jan 12, 2005)

Thief13x said:


> I have been homeschooled all my life. I am almost 19 and moving 1000 miles away to college 4 days from now more confident, blissfull social and with more freinds than ever before.
> 
> I have searched for years to find the 'anwser' to overcoming social anxiety, and through hard work and research have finally found it. I will highlight the major aspects in my triumph, but first some history.
> 
> ...


_

OMG so thank you for posting this! you just gave me a lot of hope! u should be proud of youself. seriously.
i've been so stressed out these past few days ( i just started school) and i've only joked around with 1 person in my class and it feels great but i was too scared to open up to anyone else.
i'll take your advice for it , humor IS the way it just gives u a GOOD feeling.
i am so glad there's people like u on this site this is exactly what i needed_


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## Mr 47 (Jun 27, 2005)

Hopefully i will get the motivation to do this, because i know it works. (Also your story is alot like mine, i'm fairly loud, sometimes hyper, easy talking & open about my thoughts when im at home and only with my family, but when anyone else comes in im completely the opposite of this).

Also my sister and I have pet-names for each other, and for the past year i think, whenever my cousin comes round she calls me by my pet name and i'm all shy about it and pretend i dunno what shes talking about, but lately i've been saying the pet-names back and i now accept my cousin like my family and can be hyper around her etc.


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## bobc2005 (Apr 22, 2005)

Congrats Tim glad you found something to help you overcome your SA. I have helped mine somewhat by working through the Tony Robbins Get The Edge tapes & changing my attitude about things. 

Take care,
Bob


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## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

Heya again guys!

Im so happy to hear people are taking my ideas seriously and trying them out. I would be very interested to hear if any of you have had the success I have.

So far college has been great! I will admit the first week was tough, and I was struggling somewhat. The reason being that I knew absolutly no one (along with everyone else really) and so the first week was basically lonely feeling and made me nervous with the whole 'first impressions thing'. I got through it though and am pretty much feeling completly relaxed and social again. 

The replies I found especially interesting were those who said that being the 'funny guy' can actually be a persons downfall, but I do understand. The thing is that being funny for me allows me to relax, and not be nervous about what I say, and consequently allows me to be myself, and open up to people. I sincerly hope you all are doing well and experiencing the same success I am. Thank you all so much for the support you have given me and continue to give me.

Tim


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## talvalin (Sep 8, 2005)

bump


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## schooley (Mar 25, 2005)

This is a fantastic post. Way to go thief. I didn't have time to take a really good lokk at it yet, but i liked what i saw.


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## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

Heya again guys! and gals

I just wanted to bump this post and give everybody an update.

Things are officially going awesome again. I'm having a great time in college (despite midterms and struggling with grades) but as for my SA, I couldn't be more pleased, it is still completly gone. Although things havn't been perfect, I have been working through any doubtful and negative thoughts that occasionally creep into my brain. Here are some tips im using for coping here...

A) still remmembering to have a sense of humor and to joke and lighten up the mood it keeps me being myself.

B) Whenever I start to feel nervous I remmember that everyone is different and that it doesn't matter how I am because others might not be acting perfect themselves.

C) I am keeping my mind off of what I say. This has been key, everytime I start going over what i've said over and over in my head, I must immediatly stop thnking about it otherwise it seems to grow and take over.

Hope everyone is doing as well as I, I would be very anxious to hear what people have to say and how you are all doing. If you have any Q's or what to rant or anything, please email me [email protected]

Tim


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Congrats Thief13x, 
:banana :banana :banana :banana 

I can relate to the steps you took as similar steps helped me to get rid of the anxiety in almost all cases. There are a few things that remain (e.g. public speaking) but even those situations are managable now. I do agree with other posters that we have to figure out works best for us. Of course, it's great to hear from people who managed to get rid of their anxiety as it can give hope to others to keep on trying. I know it definitely helped me going in the past.


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## TG865 (Oct 14, 2005)

Congratulations.

Don't worry about becoming the funny guy only. It want happen.

I think your rules are great.

Remember, people (unlike SAers) are used to putting u down. Beaware and work it out into your rules.

All the Best.


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## lonesomeboy (Aug 29, 2005)

great post. Iam also quite funny when I want to be, the only problem is I can only do it with people Iam comfortable with. Getting over that initial barrier getting to know someone is the hardest part.
Iam gonna really try follow ur rules at my new job.


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## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

Heya again guys.

Just thought I would check in, give this thing a little bump, and let you all know how ive been. Things are still goin pretty well, I guess we all have our ups and downs, I won't lie, but for the most part things are still much better, I just think its all about looking foward.

What I've been having to remmember over the past few weeks is that everything I say is as normal as the guy next to me. Sounds stupid I know, but it helps when I want to jump out and take back what I just said, which for some reason has been frequent recently, ugh. Anyways, it always gets better when im in a joking mood, but its been tough the past few weeks with my grades and stuff to be happy.

Okay, now some FYI stuff. I was watching tv a few nights ago and this commercial came on about....social anxiety. It really took me off guard, but it said to go to https://www.hope4u.com for a free 30 day trial of Paxil, and for free support and stuff. But it made me think. How many people actually have social anxiety that we might not think do? It must be enough to make a TV ad profitable.

Also, I was talking to my roommate is a pretty popular and confident kid. We were talkin about his frat, and he basically started telling me about how the frat has made him more confident, and has helped him be able to have meaningful conversations without being nervous. I was like, wooah. Anyways, I hope you all had a great thanksgiving. I know I have always felt practically SA free around my family. Unfortunatly this thanksgiving was spent alone in my dormroom 1000 miles away. Ah well. Good luck all!

~Tim


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## emptybottle (Jan 3, 2005)

I agree that this is one of the best posts on this forum ever. Congrats!!! I'm happy for you.


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## maineiac (Nov 20, 2005)

I could see this working for me. Now that I think about it, I sometimes unintentionally do the same thing and it really works, not only does it reduce my anxiety but even the serious people seem to become friendlier once you make them laugh. Great post, I'm definitely going to give this a try.


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## beasty (Mar 3, 2004)

Congrats with your progress.
I have a few if & but's though:
I myself used to hide behind the clown-role. I am not saying that you are doing the same, just saying I did. For me that was of limited use all siad and done.
I hate sarcastic people if their sarcasm downgrades others just so that they can score cheap points and hide their feelings of inferiority. I know I am not alone on this one. 
Again im not saying these points applies to you, they are my own experiences.
Hope you do well.
P, DK


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## excbs (Nov 30, 2005)

Thief13x said:


> Heya again guys.
> 
> Just thought I would check in, give this thing a little bump, and let you all know how ive been. Things are still goin pretty well, I guess we all have our ups and downs, I won't lie, but for the most part things are still much better, I just think its all about looking foward.
> 
> ...


excellent post and congratulations man! could you please also share with us your exercise and eating habits? how do you deal with nervousness in public speaking situations? can you give us specific examples? and could you tell us how your next class presentation will be?-- i'm really interested! thanks for the brilliant post!


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## Thief13x (May 4, 2005)

Heya again guys!

These have been an exceptionally awesome past few weeks for interacting with people. Basically, im still adhearing to my rules posted before mainly subcounsciously now! if a conversation starts getting too serious when it doesn't have too, I try to find something funny and mention it, works everytime to keep me relaxed 

Also, something else I found happening. Sometimes, I would be trying to joke and would then dwell on what I just said for the next few minutes and calculate all the ways it could be offensive. This was making me EXTREMELY self conscious. I was starting to fall into a relapse (not real bad though) so here's what I've found is helping....

I just subcounsciously hold the basic mindset that whatever I say (mean, possibly offensive, nice, too nice? whatever) is what makes my personality, and that its all NORMAL. 

Anyways I also wanted to respond to a few peoples questions.

I wanted to anwser a few comments.

What you said lonesomeboy. Thats a very good point, and something I immediatly noticed whenver I started using this "method?". Anyways, I found it was much easier to be that way around people I knew than people I had just met or didn't know very well. It actually started to bother me a little bit, then I realised through observation that everybody else is the same exact way! Watch people who don't know each other very well interact. Most are pretty reserved and even potentially nervous! Made me feel alot better and reenforced the thought that we all are really just as normal as the person next to us!

Beasty, I agree with you. Using humor should NOT be a crutch at the expense of somone else, and in my oppinion, isn't a crutch at all. It simply makes me be myself, i mean its not like I do it constantly, it just keeps me very relaxed to realise the situation isn't life and death. I don't think though that humor aimed at somone to 'mess' with them is bad, infact I mess with people all the time, as long as there's a mutual understanding of banter. Otherwise, I will not do that, ive been the victom too many times, and if it starts to go to far I becomes serious and tell the person im joking and that i'll stop. It has to do with sensitivity, and I honestly think every single person who suffers from SA has a leg up on people who don't with this respect, due to the fact that we are all highly aware of feelings. In my oppinion anyway, I know I am.

excbs heya! When it comes to the eating habits honestly? They have varied so much over the passed couple months because of going to college and all. I will say this that ive noticed about the eating habits,. Eating makes me more lathargic, and not feel like talking to people, thats AFTER I eat, thus ive just accepted it and usually stuck to my own work or whatnot.

Exercise has also been pretty random, for instance I just started again tonight after a few months off. Funny you mention public speaking. I was in the Civil Air Patrol for six years, and had plenty of public speaking duties, all of which were hell on earth, I HATED it and couldn't concentrate even if I had my list spelled out in front of me. I always noticed that when I got done I was sweating like a pig and extremely hot. Anyways, i've only had to speak in public once so far here, and I definatly didn't enjoy it, but I will admit I was enduring somewhat of a low. I felt a much more milder case of back home, but it was definatly improved! I didn't sweat, and I said alot more, but I was still really nervous. I will definatly keep you guys posted about presentations because that has always been hell for me, and im really interested to see how I do. I havn't had to do one for a very long time!

Anyways, I really really appriciate all the support you guys are giving me! Just hang in there and try not to allow yourself to chronically second guessing what you've said. If you look around, everyone says similiar things or acts similiar in a similiar situation, so try and not be so rough on yourself! And as always, just keeping the mood light with random sarcasim or a joke is always the best way for me, it works like nothing ever has before. As always, im open to oppinions, questions, feedback, comments whatever, im nobody special, just one of you workign through this. Thanks again guys.

~Tim


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## beasty (Mar 3, 2004)

Hi again Tim,
thought another congrats was in order as you are doing so mighty fine 
And a merry christmas to top it off.
Peter, DK


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