# I can't carry on conversations...



## ZoomaflooLou (Jul 3, 2008)

It don't know if it is social anxiety, or what it is. Sometimes I just feel really really stupid. I am unable to carry on conversations. I want to know what the "secret" is, but I know there probably is no "secret". The initial impressions I make on people is that I'm easy to talk to, but after about 15 minutes, I just go silent. I suck so much and I am so awkward, people tend to avoid me. I also tend to avoid people because I can't stand the awkwardness I create. 

I feel like I'm secretly a big extrovert, and it's just waiting to explode out of me, but never will. I've had many best friends in my life, and they are all the most extroverted, charismatic and funny people I've ever met. After a while they realise how boring and quiet I am and we cease to be friends. It's really frustrating.

How do I get rid of the awkward pauses. What do people talk about? I feel like most guys talk about all these things I'm not interested in like sports, cars, beer, etc... and I don't like talking sleazily about girls. I get along better talking to women but I still suck at it. How do I fix my problem, I NEED to get rid of this. I feel like crying, and I know I'm not as severe as many people with my social anxiety, but it seriously tears at me, and I think of it all the time. ALL the time.


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## jenro (Jul 2, 2008)

I feel the same way. I have the ability to be quite social but I don't normally start conversations and I can only carry them on when the other person keeps talking. I don't know how to change it. Sometimes I really just DON'T have anything to say. lol. thought it seems like I don't have anything to say quite a bit. hmmm....I really don't know how to solve it.


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## howard26 (Jun 28, 2008)

I think i've lost friends because of this too. I know that i'm introverted, and it wasn't so obvious when i was a kid. I mean, we rode bikes, played in the ditch, threw rocks at cars, etc. But i can't say that i have any close friends right now. I now realize that my quietness may be mistake as rudeness. I've heard people talking about other shy people, and i tried to tell them to give the shy one a chance, he/she is not trying to be rude. Now that i think about it, when puberty hit, I started to split from my friends. Before, everyone was so loyal, but after puberty, it seemed (to me atleast) that my friends turned into monsters. Some examples: hitting on my girlfriend, then lying about it - choosing parties over fishing - going to clubs (yuck). I wanted to know what happened to my buddies that I grew up with; they were gone. :get


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## ZoomaflooLou (Jul 3, 2008)

I feel like for me, alot of it has to do with my computer addiction I used to have. I'm still on it way too much but when I was around 12 or so I was on it ALL the time. My friends on the street would always ask me to go out and play road hockey or something and I'd refuse because of the computer. I've always sort of been bad at talking, but since my addiction it's been worse... At least I think. It may all be in my head.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I know how you feel...lately I try to think of stuff to talk about with certain people and stuff but it's still sometimes hard and my mind will go blank...though I think I might be a LITTLE better at it than I used to. :con


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## fortysixand2 (Jun 26, 2008)

This used to bother me a lot when I was younger. Some of you are that age... geez, so I know how you feel about it. But, yanno... you guys don't sound bad here. No more than I do... I guess the point is that you have to find some level of comfort. The PC can easily provide that comfort on many levels... there is NOTHING wrong with that, I don't care what ANYONE says. That's how I see it...

Let me give you an example. You guys should know me by now. I have PTSD, so a lot of times, I am not only quiet... but I totally shut myself out. I focus on unimportant things way too much sometimes. This used to bother me. I would beat myself up, saying to myself, "What is wrong with you, Brian?!" "Why are you like this, Brian?!" "Why can't you be NORMAL, Brian?!" but then I started listening to myself... I started paying attention to the things I was saying, and I was like... :wtf because it was the world that made me this way. I didn't make myself this way. Furthermore, I do not want to speak to those people. Do you think it matters? Somehow hollywood would have you believe that the right circumstances can turn a geek into someone who is popular, and the geek will live happily ever after... but it doesn't work that way. Life is never that easy, usually...

I actually worked very hard in high school to be popular. I hung around the wrong crowd until It was too late and I had an over dose. But, I was popular... 1 kid that used to make fun of me a lot even said, "Yknow something, you are pretty cool." and they even invited me to play paintball at one of the southside train stations. I look back at that situation today with disgust... I shouldnt have ever went there with them. I should not have ever tried to earn their respect, because that respect gave me absolutely nothing. In the end, I still had my life. In the end, I was still just me. Earning the respect of people like that should not matter because it doesnt matter.


You want to know what matters? Playing diablo 1 on the playstation until 5am.

You want to know what matters? Raiding the supermarket at 4am, looking for munchies.

You want to know what matters? Laying next to your loved one under the gaze of the moon.


You want to know what DOESNT matter? Them. :clap


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## Raplovehate (Jan 15, 2008)

After fifteen minutes you can't carry a convo?

Man...teach ME how you carry one that long...


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## huleemoo (Jun 20, 2008)

Do you feel that if you stopped talking the others would think you are stupid???? this is not SA , this is low-self esteem


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## ZoomaflooLou (Jul 3, 2008)

Thanks for telling me I don't have SA. I avoid social situations, don't call anybody, and am nervous to say anything when I am around people. That's not SA? It's not severe, but I do have it.


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## Dagon (Jun 28, 2008)

I need Social Skills training. That is my next goal actually because right now I am so much better than I was before but years of isolation has made me awful communicator. 

Although I am getting better at being loud as I used to be a low talker.


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## zaph (Aug 4, 2004)

This is something that puts me off socialising, it is like everybody else has a script they read from, and I'm having to improvise. Part of it is being SA, if you listen to what most people talk about, it is their lives, the people they now, and it builds from there. I have no friends, therefore no life, and nothing to talk about. Then there is the failure to click with people, I tend to have conversations in stacato, very stop start. Except with a few very rare people, with whom I find it as easy to talk as everyone else. Unfortantly that only really includes 1/100 people I meet.
The other big problem I have is getting stuck on borring topics, like an assignment in class; I find it impossible to switch it one to something lighter. I think the gift of the gab is just something you are born with, you have it or you don't. In someways it is harder being a guy if you are quiet. Guys tend to use girls as an audience, they try to impress them. That means if you are a shy girl, they will bring you into the conversation. Whereas a shy guy like me tends to drift into the background. This is a particular problem if there is a funny guy in the room, a situation I hate. It means everything I say will be dull and uninteresting compared to them. Stupid to vew conversation as a competition, and debilitating. You don't listen, you spend your time desperately trying to think of what to say next


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## fchtrading (Jun 11, 2008)

This can get easier as you get older. The key now is take "baby steps". Give yourself a goal of talking with someone for 10 mins. and ask them 2 questions about themselves (Where do you work? What's you're favorite restaurant? Why?). The more you become interested in them the easier you'll find it to converse. The key with SA is to not focus on yourself (easier said than done...I know) and focus on others.


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

huleemoo said:


> Do you feel that if you stopped talking the others would think you are stupid???? this is not SA , this is low-self esteem


No...its part of his SA. I know I have low self esteem myself and it causes this too...but its all interconnected.



MattiJCowan said:


> Thanks for telling me I don't have SA. I avoid social situations, don't call anybody, and am nervous to say anything when I am around people. That's not SA? It's not severe, but I do have it.


This is pretty much like me, except I do have a couple people I can call, and I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone to talk to people when I'm around them. I understand how it is. Also, especially with the 15 minute thing...I can kind of be sociable then (if I can force myself to talk to them, or if they talk to me, but after that I draw blanks, and become all nervous and my SA becomes very apparent.


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## mickeylutz (Jul 8, 2008)

Yeah I've been in your situation before. When I was younger I used to do drugs that made me more talkative. Weed seemed to make real chatty. Although this wasn't a good long term solution, it made me realize what I was capable of. It made me realize that I have a lot to say. We all have a lot to say, the trick is to get to that point where we are comfortable saying it. I have learned that good conversation flows without effort. We are all capable of having it, but something is holding us back. I believe that when you find the right people who you are able to open yourself up to, you will have good conversation. It is something that is truthfully hard to find. For me, I try to be extremely open about myself, even to strangers. People really take note of honesty and regard it very highly. Intimacy breeds intimacy.

More recently, I have striven to overcome my fear of talking to people by becoming really educated; I read many books on diverse topics, read the paper, watch documentaries, work hard in school etc. Not only has it boosted my confidence, it has given me more subject material to talk about. Another strategy I have used is being really interested in the person I am speaking with. Ask a lot of questions and listen well. Nod along when they speak and give the occasional "wow." I am still self-conscious that maybe I am nodding too much. But I have realized that people love to talk about themselves, and if you show interest, you will gain points in their book. Try to sound upbeat and positive when you speak. Studies have shown that your tone of voice is actually more important that what you actually say in conversation! 

My issue is big groups. I can hold up for about 15-20 minutes in a group setting. After that I somehow get excluded from the conversation, my SA kicks in and I'm out for the night. Good luck man, let me know if this advice has helped at all :lol


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## aliveforthem19 (Jun 29, 2008)

You and I are in the same boat dude. And the worst part about it, in my opinion, is watching everyone around you doing just fine at holding convo's. I'm not the kind of girl who likes to gossip too much. I don't understand what girls have to talk about besides that, other than clothes and hair. I'm not about that either. Guys on the other hand have lots of things to talk about. And that's probably why I get along with my boyfriend's buddies and can talk with them. I know a bit about cars and stereos, video games are OK too. And then I sit down with a girl and there's nothing. At this point, almost everyone I have been able to talk to before now totally avoid me because I'm not all that fun to be around. Maybe I'm just destined to be the girl that's "one of the guys". :sigh


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## jordana (Jun 17, 2007)

Carrying on conversations has been something that has been getting progressively worse for me.. 

I used to feel like I sucked at it, then I felt like I got a little better, and now in most situations w/ different types of people, I find myself flailing to keep the convo going. I try to ask questions, but then I feel like its all one sided me just asking questions and the other person answering and me going like "oh, wow" thats great.." 

I also tend to be intimidated by girls my own age.. all they talk about is their lives and whats going on and where they hung out, etc.. and there is only so much conversation you can have when you have practically no friends and no social life.


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## HelgaThaBadger (Nov 14, 2015)

I feel the same way, I'll be talking to a lady I'm interested in and I'll start off great and then I will progressively get worse,.I feel like I'm growing distant, I don't mean to of course when it happens it makes me feel uninteresting, boring and even rude. I always tell myself " there's got to be something I'm missing" but alas I go quiet and we part ways. Forever alone haha.
I even have problems talking on the phone with my own mom or friends. I can't just call my friends and ask them how they are without it feeling wierd. I have really good friends who understand the way I am or dont mind my brand of wierd and that's been an unbelievable help, I seriously doubt I'd be where I am and who I am without them. But like I said I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time and I 110% know without a doubt know it's my crappy social skills.


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## teopap (May 12, 2013)

HelgaThaBadger said:


> I feel the same way, I'll be talking to a lady I'm interested in and I'll start off great and then I will progressively get worse,.I feel like I'm growing distant, I don't mean to of course when it happens it makes me feel uninteresting, boring and even rude. I always tell myself " there's got to be something I'm missing" but alas I go quiet and we part ways. Forever alone haha.
> I even have problems talking on the phone with my own mom or friends. I can't just call my friends and ask them how they are without it feeling wierd. I have really good friends who understand the way I am or dont mind my brand of wierd and that's been an unbelievable help, I seriously doubt I'd be where I am and who I am without them. But like I said I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time and I 110% know without a doubt know it's my crappy social skills.


Yeah I feel the same too. I might be autistic or something. My interests are very limited : computers/internet - mountain trekking and cycling. I do nothing more except those in this life.

Me and my friends have nothing in common. They usually speak and I just agree with them while I'm anxious about having nothing to say or to start a topic. Just check the time to go and get back to my nest.
Also, never had any girlfriend to share experiences and probably never will. So it's better to sit at my home alone and see nobody. Listening about GF stories makes me more depressed. I'm thinking about not to hang out with them anymore. I don't enjoy it and awkwardness is excruciating.


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