# Not able to approach and talk to women is a large of social anxiety for men



## scubadiver007 (Dec 27, 2014)

Would you agree with that statement?

I had thought about adding a post to the thread on cold-approaching but have decided to start a new thread because I think its important (if this particular subject is okay with the mods) and this is really aimed at the guys. I get nervous about starting threads because I don't know what the reaction might be but this is meant to be constructive.

I appreciate the females on this board wont feel confident about being approached in this way because, after all, you suffer from social anxiety and being approached takes you out of your comfort zone but I think this is your opportunity to get out of your comfort zone, learn to be a little bit more assertive instead of getting freaked out.

If you are ever put into that situation remember that it is a bloke's responsibility to do the chasing if he wants a date and it is a very big deal not to be able to approach a girl.

Working up the courage to approach a women is difficult enough and that means trying to overcome the fear of rejection and that is what we fear most. So for a bloke, this forms a large part of social anxiety (maybe 90%), including mine.

For the blokes, may I suggest you watch some youtube videos I have been watching especially on social anxiety and learning rejection:

Johnny Berba
Dan Bacon
What women want (1.5 hours but worth the watch)


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## Zyriel (May 20, 2011)

Not gonna lie, those guys all look like douchebags lol. One is pointing at the camera in his "Berba style" >_> one is named after a food I like, so that's good I guess lol. And the last one is just stupid, "what women want" just generalizing a whole gender into one stereotype, independent of cultural contexts, individual personalities, or interests.

Wtf is a "Dating & Relationship expert"? If he's such an expert wouldn't he be married and settled down by now? ! Just sounds like bull**** to me, to sell **** or build an over inflated ego, out of talking about how much of an "expert" they are to other people.

Independent of that though, if that helps you then great! That just shows my own narrow minded view and opinion on such a topic, as I find it distasteful. As for making threads, it is about expressing your opinion, asking questions, sharing your experiences/knowledge, learning, debating other people with differing views, and expanding your own.

Talking to women? Well, treat them like an equal I would presume. It depends on your motivations for it lol. Ask them questions and their opinions, give yours, show genuine interest in what they're saying and go from there. Sometimes it can be difficult to find topics of interest for either gender though. For example using myself, I often have an easier time talking to people either younger or older than me, my own age group is somewhat difficult to find a shared topic of interest.

A lot of people like small talk and stuff too. Some women probably want to be talked to like those douchebag guys do it though. Superficial flattery and what not, in a ritualized sense of it, for the sake of it. I have no interest in those types of things, so I'm ignorant in such matters. They do seem to be "successful" in the art of persuasion and manipulation though, if that's what you want to learn lol.


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## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

Approaching and cold approaching is not the same. I have no intentions to be a pickup artist, but I would like to be able to socialize with women, get to know them and develop something...


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

There's no reason to approach women though so don't waste all the willpower you gathered up on doing something so pointless.


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## mrnogood (Feb 13, 2015)

Shameful said:


> There's no reason to approach women though so don't waste all the willpower you gathered up on doing something so pointless.


unless you are a male model women will not approach you.
so should we all just sit back and not even try. id rather fail a million times than waste my life sitting idly by.


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## Cloudsephiroth (Feb 9, 2015)

Not gonna lie, you should focus more on your friendships with women instead of trying to bed them at first sight. Friendship is the first step, and you'll end up having someone there for you even if you don't end up dating.


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## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

You know what's funny? I don't have any gender-specific hangups, yet I'm the most hideous, awkward and worthless freak of nature you'll ever find so it's not like it'd do me any good. How's that for irony.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

mrnogood said:


> unless you are a male model women will not approach you.
> so should we all just sit back and not even try. id rather fail a million times than waste my life sitting idly by.


Couldn't disagree with you more on the male model remark, but couldn't agree with you more on rather failing a million times than wasting your life.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Zyriel said:


> Not gonna lie, those guys all look like douchebags lol. One is pointing at the camera in his "Berba style" >_> one is named after a food I like, so that's good I guess lol. And the last one is just stupid, "what women want" just generalizing a whole gender into one stereotype, independent of cultural contexts, individual personalities, or interests.
> 
> Wtf is a "Dating & Relationship expert"? If he's such an expert wouldn't he be married and settled down by now? ! Just sounds like bull**** to me, to sell **** or build an over inflated ego, out of talking about how much of an "expert" they are to other people.
> 
> ...


"*Wtf is a "Dating & Relationship expert"? If he's such an expert wouldn't he be married and settled down by now? !*"

Why would he sentence himself to such an awful punishment? :um

Seriously though, there are many people who don't want that any time in the foreseeable future, me included.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

scubadiver007 said:


> Would you agree with that statement?
> 
> I had thought about adding a post to the thread on cold-approaching but have decided to start a new thread because I think its important (if this particular subject is okay with the mods) and this is really aimed at the guys. I get nervous about starting threads because I don't know what the reaction might be but this is meant to be constructive.
> 
> ...


Try not to worry so much about starting threads. You have an opinion, and you have a right to express it. All anyone can do is disagree with you, and this is actually great for discussion-purposes. If everybody felt the same way about everything, the whole forum experience would be quite boring. So, good on you for starting a thread and saying what you feel needs to be said.

With all that being said, I disagree with what's being said here in a few places. Please, do not take this personally.

"*Working up the courage to approach a women is difficult enough and that means trying to overcome the fear of rejection and that is what we fear most. So for a bloke, this forms a large part of social anxiety (maybe 90%), including mine.*"

This is known by many dating experts as "approach anxiety". People who have no SA at all suffer from this, so the two aren't really related (in my opinion). Now, is the thought of approaching a woman possibly more nerve-racking for someone who has SA anxiety? It's possible. When I was first dealing with social anxiety, I know the last thing on my mind was getting into a relationship. I was trying to figure out how to get into a conversation without making it awkward.

"*If you are ever put into that situation remember that it is a bloke's responsibility to do the chasing if he wants a date and it is a very big deal not to be able to approach a girl.* "

What I'm about to say here isn't really in response to this comment, but to the whole notion that it's the guy's job to always approach. It's the woman's responsibility to approach a guy if she wants a date as well. There are a lot of guys who won't make the effort to approach, much less "chase", just because they don't care to. Whether you're a girl or a guy, if you want something, go get it.

Now, to add onto the focus of this topic, which I believe is to help people who are nervous to approach. Try not to be so invested in the outcome. As good as that person you desire makes you feel, you will come across someone else who is very similar to them in looks, personality or both, and makes you feel the same way. You have value. Believe it. Act like it. If one person will not give you what it is that you seek, someone else will. In fact, a great exercise you can do is approach people who you're not even attracted to. This way, you will not care whether you get the number or not, and this is the mindset that you want to always have. And lastly, don't play games with pickup lines and all of those things unless you're just trying to have fun. A lot of these dating coaches and pickup coaches will have you thinking you need to say something special to get a positive outcome. While you're jumping through hoops for someone who's not interested, somebody walked by you who would have been . Do you really want to be involved with someone who won't take you for who you are? If you're serious, just be direct. "Hi. I don't like playing games, so I'll get right to the point...." Rejection? "I see. Have a nice day"


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

It is a significant factor for men who suffer from SA, but *not *the only one. Making friendships, struggling to find a job (or do it efficiently) are just as pressing issues.

The fact is, that when you are alone, SA is a lot harder to fight.


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## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

mrnogood said:


> so should we all just sit back and not even try. id rather fail a million times than waste my life sitting idly by.


I wonder what's worse, not trying at all and staying blissfully ignorant; or receiving a million small cuts until you're the walking embodiment of hatred. I'm morbidly curious.


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## Zyriel (May 20, 2011)

AntiAnxiety said:


> "*Wtf is a "Dating & Relationship expert"? If he's such an expert wouldn't he be married and settled down by now? !*"
> 
> Why would he sentence himself to such an awful punishment? :um
> 
> Seriously though, there are many people who don't want that any time in the foreseeable future, me included.


Well someone shouldn't market themselves as such then, that just sounds like false advertising. Not sure about you, but to me an "expert" would be someone who has either been married for a longass time and can hold a long term relationship. Or possibly the opposite, someone who has been through a ****ton of relationships and knows has strong interpersonal skills, or possibly knows how to compromise and deal with emotional bull**** well.

I don't disagree with you there sir. Sometimes people aren't meant for "relationships", hence one wouldn't be an expert or seek to become one lol. There's a difference between a "pick-up artist" or whatever, and a "relationship expert". Even though both terms sound extremely stupid and douche-ish to me. One would denote the ability to manipulate the opposite sex, into well, sex, which does take "approaching" and the other would denote someone who knows how to make a relationship work lol. In terms of language, one comes before, could be seen as "initiation-anticipation", possible "creation" and one comes after, could be seen as "foundation-maintenance" lol, simple causality really :b


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Zyriel said:


> Well someone shouldn't market themselves as such then, that just sounds like false advertising. Not sure about you, but to me an "expert" would be someone who has either been married for a longass time and can hold a long term relationship. Or possibly the opposite, someone who has been through a ****ton of relationships and knows has strong interpersonal skills, or possibly knows how to compromise and deal with emotional bull**** well.
> 
> I don't disagree with you there sir. Sometimes people aren't meant for "relationships", hence one wouldn't be an expert or seek to become one lol. There's a difference between a "pick-up artist" or whatever, and a "relationship expert". Even though both terms sound extremely stupid and douche-ish to me. One would denote the ability to manipulate the opposite sex, into well, sex, which does take "approaching" and the other would denote someone who knows how to make a relationship work lol. In terms of language, one comes before, could be seen as "initiation-anticipation", possible "creation" and one comes after, could be seen as "foundation-maintenance" lol, simple causality really :b


They are silly monikers. Relationship Expert is very likely just a less controversial name for a Pick Up Artist. If you know how to "pick" someone up, you're going to end up with your share of people who then want to be in a relationship with you. Whether they know what has to be done to maintain those relationships is something else.

Still, I have to stand by what I said earlier about people not wanting to be married. It's all about commitment. If you have the skill to be able to get into relationships with various partners then why would you commit to one for good unless you've decided that you're done with all that other stuff once and for all?


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## black eye (Feb 14, 2015)

Shameful said:


> There's no reason to approach women though so don't waste all the willpower you gathered up on doing something so pointless.


 lol quoted for truth.
if a man said that it would be labeled misogyny!

i think girls are pretty and smell nice,
but i dont like talking to them much.

they talk about shopping and other girly things all the time.
it's better to talk to men or talk to no-one at all sometimes :idea


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## Zyriel (May 20, 2011)

AntiAnxiety said:


> Still, I have to stand by what I said earlier about people not wanting to be married. It's all about commitment. If you have the skill to be able to get into relationships with various partners then why would you commit to one for good unless you've decided that you're done with all that other stuff once and for all?


That's true, I won't lie I think I do fear commitment a bit lol, especially if you like independence. For me, it's not that reason, it's just having to "conform" to somewhat standard modes of behavior or being consistent in things lol. Most people don't like randomness in the long term, or get upset when you just decide to do something totally different haha. Eventually opening up which causes emotional attachment, and you start to feel somewhat dependent, vulnerable, confined or trapped, which many often consider security lol. Then having to do family stuff, friend things, miscallaneous gatherings (of not the Magic variety lmao), or whatever else people do on a regular basis lol.

As for what you said lol Russel Peters says that well, haha:

"Cause if you love women too much and you get married, then you love woman."






Although I can see why people do like commitment though for the emotional or physical stability it provides. Or to move beyond certain points in life and not worry about being alone when they're older, since that clock is always ticking. On the other hand, many people seem to enjoy the "thrill of the chase" though :b


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## losthismarbles (Jul 5, 2014)

Is it ironic or weird that I have trouble approaching and talking to guys. But I have much less of a problem approaching and talking to girls? I have trouble approaching anyone but if there was a girl and a guy and I felt like talking to one of them I would, and do, approach the girl to talk.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

losthismarbles said:


> Is it ironic or weird that I have trouble approaching and talking to guys. But I have much less of a problem approaching and talking to girls? I have trouble approaching anyone but if there was a girl and a guy and I felt like talking to one of them I would, and do, approach the girl to talk.


Are you gay or straight?

What do you do or say differently when you're talking to women vs. men?


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## losthismarbles (Jul 5, 2014)

I'm like 99% straight. 
I'm not sure what I say differently. But I think I can act more like myself around girls. Like I don't have to restrict how I behave or what I say. 
But it all depends everyone is different like my last roommate and his wife. I didn't like being around his wife that much. I'd rather talk to her husband. 
But the point is I would feel much more comfortable in a room full of girls than a room full of guys.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Zyriel said:


> That's true, I won't lie I think I do fear commitment a bit lol, especially if you like independence. For me, it's not that reason, it's just having to "conform" to somewhat standard modes of behavior or being consistent in things lol. Most people don't like randomness in the long term, or get upset when you just decide to do something totally different haha. Eventually opening up which causes emotional attachment, and you start to feel somewhat dependent, vulnerable, confined or trapped, which many often consider security lol. Then having to do family stuff, friend things, miscallaneous gatherings (of not the Magic variety lmao), or whatever else people do on a regular basis lol.
> 
> As for what you said lol Russel Peters says that well, haha:
> 
> ...


Absolutely with 100% of what you said here. See, Scubadiver007? This is fun


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