# Shame Attacking Exercises



## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

More info about them here:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f10/sas-shame-attacking-challenge-28746/

Basically, you need to do a shameful activity purposely in order to:

- realize that imaginative reaction is often exaggerated
- get used to shame/reject

I invite you to join this thread and participate actively.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

I will start.

*SITUATION:*
I will go out with my big headphones on. These headphones also got a microphone, so I will look quite silly.

*EXPECTED REACTION:*
People should look at me funny. I may get thrown with snowballs. I may get laughs or negative remarks. I'm almost SURE that I will get some negative reactions.

*RESULTS:*
OK, the results are quite interesting.
I didn't get any reactions from strangers. I even saw a dude I knew, raised my hand -- he raised his back.
But, when my mom saw me, she said: "wow, you came to me wearing it? you look like a retard"
So, I got a reject I was looking for, sadly, it came from my mother.

It also shows that my fear of criticism and rejection may stem mostly from my conservative parents. They both have quite a thin line of how they believe people should look and act.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I hope you're going to be singing into the microphone. :b


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

strawberryjulius said:


> I hope you're going to be singing into the microphone. :b


That would be too intense for me right now. But it's a good advise. 

But people, I really hope you look at this seriously. Just start slowly and share the results here.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

exercise for tomorrow:

*SITUATION:*
I will ask an unknown shop-assistant her telephone number.

*EXPECTED REACTION:*
I give about 60% that she will find an excuse.

*RESULTS:*
FAILED


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

Ooh, this seems like fun. However I think I'll just lurk for now opcorn

Andy, good luck with your new exercise. Hopefully she'll give you her number. If anything, it'll give her a confidence boost, lol.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Mines quite mild lol, but I'll give this a go anyway *

SITUATION:*
I'll walk to Uni Monday morning donning my best ninja impression; Shinobi eat your heart out!










*EXPECTED REACTION:*
Funny looks, possibilty of insults 

*
RESULTS:*
~

**Secondary Reasons for doing this:










It's quite cold over here at the moment! :um


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

*SITUATION:*
I will say to unknown shop-assistant "how's going?"

*EXPECTED (worst scenario) REACTION:*
She will look at me in disgust and won't say anything back.

*RESULTS:*
Wow, that was exciting!  She responded in a pleasant and curious manner. She said more than one word, though I can't remember them all. 

I think, she got excited as well as me!


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

*SITUATION:*
Say "Hi" to random people.

*EXPECTED (worst scenario) REACTION:*
They will say something very rude.

*RESULTS:*
I'm doing this constantly. Today I managed to say "Hi" to a sexy girl.

Most of the people respond pleasantly and just about 10% doesn't say anything.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Paper Samurai said:


>


How did it go?

People, I'm very sad to see so little reaction from you. These exercises along with some thinking will definitely help you a lot!


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## Girl_Loner (Mar 17, 2009)

amazing~~~


also props on the ninja look ha, made me cheerful for a minute thanks!


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

*SITUATION:*
Show myself topless to roommate's girlfriend.

*EXPECTED (worst scenario) REACTION:*
Girlfriend will laugh at me and roommate will say "WTF" angrily.

*RESULTS:*
I was almost certain that it would be an awkward situation. And yeah, my roommate didn't say a word, but his GF laughed a bit and got frustrated.

So i got some shame today! :boogie

Ok, I need to rest now.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Girl_Loner said:


> amazing~~~
> 
> also props on the ninja look ha, made me cheerful for a minute thanks!


Wanna join in?


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Lol the reaction was not what I expected, no funny looks (that I know of ) and no random comments from strangers. I even went past a large group of chav-ish looking people, and not even a word was mentioned! I was certain that they would lol.



Girl_Loner said:


> amazing~~~
> 
> also props on the ninja look ha, made me cheerful for a minute thanks!





AndyLT said:


> Wanna join in?


I could always do with a ninja companion


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## crazyg (Jun 18, 2005)

I think this is a great idea! Congrats on all the great responses so far.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

crazyg said:


> I think this is a great idea! Congrats on all the great responses so far.


This is not something new and wasn't invented by me.
Big part of CBT is devoted to behavior exercises.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Paper Samurai said:


> Lol the reaction was not what I expected, no funny looks (that I know of ) and no random comments from strangers. I even went past a large group of chav-ish looking people, and not even a word was mentioned! I was certain that they would lol.


Congrats. 

Even if you didn't get any shame out of it, it's extremely beneficial:
- you managed to do something voluntarily that you thought would be shameful. And you showed your mind that people are not THAT criticizing.


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## crazyg (Jun 18, 2005)

AndyLT said:


> This is not something new and wasn't invented by me.
> Big part of CBT is devoted to behavior exercises.


Oh, I know- I've done CBT as well, and have tried various things such as this myself. I just meant that it was a good idea to give it a try and to post your experiences.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

*SITUATION:*
Say "How's going?" to shop-assistant in a very little shop. We were only two in it.

*EXPECTED (worst scenario) REACTION:*
I feared that there might be other people who would think I'm weird (untestable expectation). I also feared a negative response.

*RESULTS:*
Anyways, it was much easier than the first time. Shop-assistant didn't seem interested and responded coldly and politely.

I could see this as a reject, because the girl didn't seem too happy about my question. She didn't care. But I didn't care too. So it's a good sign. :clap

Now I need something harder.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, I'm proud of myself today:

*SITUATION #1:*
Ask shop-assistant for salads, then change mind after she has filled half a bucket.

*EXPECTED REACTION (worst scenario):*
I really expected so hear something like: "duh, make up your mind before ordering"

*RESULTS:*
She was a bit confused and surprised. Maybe I didn't express myself properly.
But anyways, she didn't say anything bad, just took a new bucket and threw the dirty one away.

-----------------

*SITUATION #2:*
Say something more intimate to a shop-assistant I like (yeah, shops are the only place I see strangers).

*EXPECTED REACTION (worst scenario):*
She would respond coldly or would even say something bad.

*RESULTS:*
Ok, so I told her something a bit more personal. Apparently, she's even more shy than me.
I could treat this as a reject, because she didn't even look at me. But something tells me that she was just too shy to do it.

Anyways, I got a feeling that it's OK to be a bit weird and to get cold response. It didn't kill me.

-----------------

Encouraged by these successes I said "Hi" to three random people and visited another shop to ask "how's going?".


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Okay, I'm going to do something simple and not so scary to start with. :b

*SITUATION:
*Go out to the shops wearing bright red lipstick.

*EXPECTED REACTION:
*People will stare at me and some will laugh and say I look like a clown.

*RESULTS:
*I did get a couple of looks when I was in the bathroom putting on the lipstick. No one said anything, in fact, I don't think anyone even batted an eyelid.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

strawberryjulius said:


> to start with. :b


It's always great to start


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Well? How are the results, strawberry?

Personally, I once more said something personal to the shop assistant I like. Maybe it doesn't look like much, but in my case, it is. I've also noticed that it was quite easy to do it the last time. Seems that I could raise the bar and ask her for telephone number. 

I'm also doing these experiments with eye-contact. And I think, I'm improving in this area too.

Yeah, these are optimistic changes. Thoughts + attention management with behavior experiments and attention confuse technique seem to help quite well. The hardest thing is to accept my current situation as reality. To openly admit that I need baby-steps to achieve my dreams.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

An exercise for tomorrow. I really fear this:

*SITUATION:*
Ask the shop-assistant I like her telephone number

*EXPECTED or WORST-POSSIBLE REACTION:*
I really hope that she will give me her number, but I understand that there's a high chance of a different story.

It's hard to express what I fear the most in this situation. It's definitely humiliation, but probably not verbal one. I fear her seeing me as a worthless and pathetic loser.

BUT! The only way to lose in these exercises is not to do them. If I get a reject, it will make me stronger.

*RESULTS:*
I wrote her a letter instead. Writing it was probably the hardest part. I just kept getting thoughts of worthlessness and I had a huge desire to forget the idea. But I finished writing it (only a few sentences).

Giving it to the girl was quite easy. She was pleasantly surprised.


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## Sadaiyappan (Jun 20, 2009)

I did something like this. I wore these 1960 like eye glasses (the type of eye glasses that are really noticeable and are making a statement that you are an eye glass wearer) out to my local temple. In a weird way I felt more comfortable because I felt like people were noticing the glasses and not noticing me. It was even easier to look people in the eye and stuff when I went to the store after that. But man, when I took off those glasses and put on my regular pair and went out I felt waaaay more relaxed, more comfortable (but only for a little while after that I was back to my nervous shy self).


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Sadaiyappan said:


> I did something like this. I wore these 1960 like eye glasses (the type of eye glasses that are really noticeable and are making a statement that you are an eye glass wearer) out to my local temple. In a weird way I felt more comfortable because I felt like people were noticing the glasses and not noticing me. It was even easier to look people in the eye and stuff when I went to the store after that. But man, when I took off those glasses and put on my regular pair and went out I felt waaaay more relaxed, more comfortable (but only for a little while after that I was back to my nervous shy self).


Good start! :clap
Got ideas for a harder experiment?


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## alohomora (Apr 5, 2009)

*Situation:*
Finish writing a letter of recommendation draft for myself and give it to my boss. I've been having to do this for ages (I'm even embarrassed about admitting I didn't finish it because some people here on SAS heard me *****ing about it a few months ago. They'll be like wtf Alohomora? Are you still working on it? My response: no, I haven't actually been working on it, just THINKING about working on it).

*Expected Reaction:*
I expect my boss to be displeased with my work. I think she will say that I did not prepare it very well, did not do enough research for it, did not care about it enough, did not think it through enough. I believe that (like the last time I gave her a draft) she will end up rewriting almost the whole thing because my original draft was not even close to being up to the standards she likes to keep. I really don't know what I'm doing.

****. I'm really gonna have to do this now. What the hell did I get myself into?

*Results:*
FYI: results for this exercise will take longer than other exercises because there are many steps required that will take some time.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

hehe alohomora, anxiety is the best fuel for procrastination


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, I got quite a distressing response this time:

*SITUATION:
*Don't pay the small bus driver until he asks me to.

*EXPECTED REACTION:
*He will be annoyed and will say something like: "What the hell, are you trying to cheat me?"

*RESULTS:
*So I sat in the bus and waited. A minute later the driver turned to me and said: "You have to pay". He was a bit scared and angry.

For the rest of the journey, I felt filthy and dirty. :afr


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

*SITUATION:
*Bring a backpack to shop instead of putting it in the safe

*EXPECTED REACTION:
*I feared the most that security dude will ask me to show the contents of backpack accusing me of stealing.

*RESULTS:
*OK, I realized that this was quite a silly belief. I used to play by the rules like a good boy, locking backpack in the safe all the time. And there's no big need to do it.

Yeah, I don't know how to describe it, but it felt silly to understand that I was controlled like a sheep with those restricting shop rules.


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## secretlyshecries (Sep 10, 2009)

Wow, you are really pushing yourself which is great, I admire you for that. If I planned to do anything like this I'd probably just back out at the last minute. :afr Something to aim for I guess.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

secretlyshecries said:


> Wow, you are really pushing yourself which is great, I admire you for that. If I planned to do anything like this I'd probably just back out at the last minute. :afr Something to aim for I guess.


Thanks, yesterday I pushed myself a bit too hard. Was feeling anxiously down the stomach all day.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, I did it. I openly admitted about my feeling to a girl. I wrote her a letter and gave it to her a few moments ago. I haven't expressed interest in a girl for a veeery long time.

And I have mixed feelings now. I'm proud of myself, but I'm also worried... what if she will call me? What good can I offer to her? I just keep repeating myself, that reject is a success too... Dunno... it feels a bit surreal :afr


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

I called another girl. I did tons of eye-contact today with roommate's GF and had a long discussion with her about gays.

Am I healing or what?


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

strawberryjulius said:


> *RESULTS:
> *I did get a couple of looks when I was in the bathroom putting on the lipstick. No one said anything, in fact, I don't think anyone even batted an eyelid.


Welcome to the 2nd level. What do you got for it?


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Experiment for tomorrow:
*
SITUATION:
*Block the traffic while standing in the pedestrian cross and talking with the phone. Stay still until driver beeps or opens the door. Do this 3 times.

*EXPECTED REACTION:
*I don't know if this needs any commenting. I will definitely get angry looks, tons of beeping and rude remarks.

*RESULTS:
*I did this only partially. I was an annoying pedestrian, but not to the point of drivers beeping at me. This exercise is too hard for me now.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Come on people, do something crazy too. I need support.


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## asgoodasitgets (Jan 21, 2010)

You say the exercise is to bring attention to yourself so that you can deal with the 
"expected" results and this make us stronger.....? Mine is trying NOT to get attention.
My hell is that I am constantly the object of attention. And on top of it some men and women seem to think that I look like this just to annoy them. 5'4'' blonde and DD. I gained a lot of weight early in adult hood and only realize now I've been trying to hide myself. 
Get in peoples faces on purpose? I don't get it at all. I get treated like I'm from another planet already.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

asgoodasitgets said:


> You say the exercise is to bring attention to yourself so that you can deal with the
> "expected" results and this make us stronger.....? Mine is trying NOT to get attention.
> My hell is that I am constantly the object of attention. And on top of it some men and women seem to think that I look like this just to annoy them. 5'4'' blonde and DD. I gained a lot of weight early in adult hood and only realize now I've been trying to hide myself.
> Get in peoples faces on purpose? I don't get it at all. I get treated like I'm from another planet already.


I'm not an expert in social-anxiety field, but usually it works like this:

1. Somehow, negative, irrational beliefs are formed. (e.g., "everyone will reject me because of the way my eyes look" or "everyone is thinking of me badly because of my weight").
2. These beliefs are reinforced by the way we think and act. I'm referring to avoidance and safety behavior.

CBT teaches that:

1. You need to extract those negative thoughts and find healthier and more balanced alternatives for them.
2. Thoughts alone can't stop the cycle. CBT asks to perform "experiments" and observe what happens when you drop avoidance and safety behavior.
3. If you get shame/reject and treat it as a positive thing, your mind will get used to it.

In your case, I can only partly recognize negative beliefs.
What is the worst thing you believe could happen in a social setting and what do you do to avoid it?


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## asgoodasitgets (Jan 21, 2010)

I see where you are going with that, I will have to think about it to see where I could apply the exercise. I am sure there are other areas of my SA that it would help with.


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## No Surprises (Nov 1, 2009)

Great thread and great work, AndyLT. I've been trying to bring attention to myself and step outside my shell lately as well. I haven't been doing it with the frequency and in the variety of situations that you apparently have -- it's mainly been limited to going out to bars every once in a while and flirting with girls just for the hell of it -- but I'd certainly say it's provided some benefits. 

Ironically, I find that, even if I get a full-on negative reaction, I'll come to view it as an experience of growth shortly thereafter. That is, the benefit of realizing that I can flout previously sacred behavioral routines that have done nothing but cause me distress and disability my entire life without the entire world collapsing around me far outweighs even the worst degree of rejection or criticism that other people can dole out.

It would be interesting to commit to performing random anomalous activities, as you've done here. I might try it, but it's hard to predict exactly what I'll be doing on any given day, which makes planning a little difficult. But I'll report back if I decide to try anything.

Just as a side note, are you utilizing any sort of medications when you exit your comfort zone like this? Although I suppose there's something to be said for doing these things naturally, I find the use of a benzodiazepine or beta blocker to be tremendously helpful. Actually, with some of the more intrepid activities, I'd probably run the risk of having a full-blown panic attack without them.


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## person987 (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow, you guys are really creative, lol. The idea of someone walking around with headphones with a microphone attached, or going to uni with their face covered up ninja-style (just to make two examples) makes me giggled inwardly, but I also really admire you for taking the step to do that. I've never heard of shame-attacking exercises, but it looks like something worth considering... (if I ever work up the guts lol).


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, something easier for tomorrow:
*
SITUATION:
*Put five coins in the purse and "accidentally" drop them all in the shop on the ground. Then collect them.

*EXPECTED REACTION:
*Ummm, I expect some people to think of me as a loser. Some will definitely have more emphatic thoughts and feel sorry for me. Yeah, these beliefs aren't testable, but still, it seems like a nice exercise.

*RESULTS:
*It was a breeze. Too easy.


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## kiwikiwi (Jul 27, 2009)

AndyLT said:


> Ok, something easier for tomorrow:
> *
> SITUATION:
> *Put five coins in the purse and "accidentally" drop them all in the shop on the ground. Then collect them.
> ...


Keep us posted with the results , i have never heard of of this kind of exercise but it sounds fun .By the way if anyone thinks you are a loser for dropping some coins in the ground they need help themselves .Accidents happen lol


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, today I did some nice experiments and even got a slight reject:

- dropped 10 coins in front of 8-10 people. Nobody cared. 
- left my item at the check-out lane and went to grab another one. This way I secured my line spot and maybe annoyed other people a bit, though they didn't say anything.
- asked mature shop assistant a private question in front of 3 other people. She didn't respond!!!! Yeah! :boogie

Some ideas for future experiments that are on my level:

- go to cafe, find a table and wait for the waitress. Tell her that you are still thinking and then leave the cafe. Fear factor: 4/10
- go to the shoes shop, ask shop-assistant to bring another shoe for trying on... and then decide not to buy. Fear factor: 6/10
- visit my neighbor with a pan and ask for a drop of oil. Fear factor: 3/10


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## TheMachine (Nov 24, 2009)

AndyLT said:


> - visit my neighbor with a pan and ask for a drop of oil. Fear factor: 3/10


 Just a quick question. Is your relationship with your neighbour good? Are you guys good friends because I want to try this but my neighbours are scary people. :teeth


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

TheMachine said:


> Just a quick question. Is your relationship with your neighbour good? Are you guys good friends because I want to try this but my neighbours are scary people. :teeth


I don't know them too good.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Well, today I went to visit that shop-assistant to whom I admitted about my feelings. I didn't tell you before, but she texted me back, meaning that she is interested.

Why was it hard? Why is it hard for me to get intimate? To open up? Why is it hard to be liked? Why is it hard to be an object of expectations?

Well, I guess it's a simple fear of rejection. I'm afraid she will reject me for dozens of strange reasons. Well, yeah, it's possible, BUT:

- there's no way to please all people in the world and you don't have to
- just express yourself fully, offer the product, and observe what happens
- understand that there's a chance of rejection, but it's better to be rejected for my true self, than accepted for who I'm not

Anyways, I should pat myself on the shoulder. I did something hard today.

Thoughts?


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## Girl_Loner (Mar 17, 2009)

Yay she texted you back   :boogie You defiantly deserve that pat on the back.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Girl_Loner said:


> Yay she texted you back   :boogie You defiantly deserve that pat on the back.


Yeah, that made me feel quite good then.

But now I'm a bit sad... I'd love to visit her right now... to chat and invite her for a drink...

But I fear to look her into the eyes.... I fear to look tense and stressed... I fear to show myself in the light (literally and metaphorically).

I mean, such a silly mental consciousness loop prevents me from enjoying what I 100% deserve and want.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

^good lord, man. Amazing, what you did. that's courage. 

I've recently discovered a deep seated feeling of shame and embarrassment, going way back, are a part of what holds me back. 

I have no problem with dropping things and so on, I'm used to that. but there are plenty of good ideas here. It's got me thinking.


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## justsomegirl (Feb 2, 2010)

I'd just like to say that I really admire what ur doing - u've kind of inspired me  Gonna do something like this myself I think. Well done - keep it up! x


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Been fed up lately with no jobs going, but really trying to stay posative, at least not negative. So I went into town today with some cv's in envelopes and asked if four places I found suitable were taking on. Only ended up handing in one cv in, but I spoke to people and even had a short laugh with one woman. Was hard when I haven't spoken to many strangers for a fair time but I done it. Went to the jobcentre after that, got 4 job print outs. Rang those places up when I got home and spoke to people on the phone too. Three of the four manager's I needed weren't in, so I gave my details and I got one interview.

By the end of just this venture I could feel my voice softening and speaking more clearly and I got to practice a few social skills I have been learning, such as always breathing and breathing slowly and when you get the 'heart beats', just getting out what I want to say rather then thinking what I'm gonna say next at the same time and pausing/panicing, and using open ended questions.

I messed up a couple of times, but meh... I fealt proud of myself for the first time in a long time, so gave myself a pat on the back...and got an interview + potentially more.


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