# small goal, but hard



## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

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to drive into the shops in town 2.5 miles away from my house.
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Okay, so i recently had a panic attack and am now back in complete anxiety not being able to do anything. I can't even sit in the back garden atm. I'm totally terrified about what to do, and i have the DR's next week. I've tried to drive into town on my own, but i panic and turn back. I really hope i can make it, as it's depressing the hell out of me not being able to do normal things.

It seems a pathetic goal i know, but what's more pathetic is how terrified i am of not being able to do it again! - Ellie

EDIT! If you're just joining this thread now, my new update is on page 2  Much more positive


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## Onice (Mar 8, 2013)

Are you terrified of just driving around in a car?


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

I think i'm more terrified of being away from my home, which i consider my 'safe place'. But it might be because i've convinced myself it's gonna be hard so now it will....


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Conquer it and you will feel amazing. I did a challenge here myself, seemingly small goal as well, but it felt so good after I did it. Really did. Pure joy.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

I tried to drive in today, but i am just too terrified. I used to be able to do it all the time, and to not be able to do it atm really just kills me inside


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Keep trying! You'll get there if you do.


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## Sky High (Aug 26, 2013)

Do you ever go for walks around your house? Would it be easier if you just parked your car somewhere halfway and walk from there?


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Thanks, I will try again tomorrow but i doubt i will manage it, because i am so anxious atm so i try not to do anything that will exacerbate it.



Sky High said:


> Do you ever go for walks around your house? Would it be easier if you just parked your car somewhere halfway and walk from there?


The thought of not being able to get back to my room really quickly freaks me out. I went for a short walk with the dog around my estate (it's tiny) I managed it once, but when i went to go for the second time round all i could think of was "i can't do this" and had to turn back (i was at half way anyway) but i just couldn't continue :S

It's really freaking me out.


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## Onice (Mar 8, 2013)

Ellie, there is nothing to be afraid of. Just lock your car doors and wear sunglasses so you can hide your eyes. When you're outside driving, look around you and you will realise that most people won't even notice you. They're too busy caught up in their own world to even care about you. Keep trying! =)


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Onice said:


> Ellie, there is nothing to be afraid of. Just lock your car doors and wear sunglasses so you can hide your eyes. When you're outside driving, look around you and you will realise that most people won't even notice you. They're too busy caught up in their own world to even care about you. Keep trying! =)


Thank you, but i think i'm also experiencing other forms of anxiety too. I'm way to scared to leave the house in case i have another panic attack. All of this was brought in by bullies etc, but now i'm anxious in everything i do


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## Sky High (Aug 26, 2013)

One thing from your initial post, it's not a pathetic goal. I cannot relate to anxiety, but most people don't have any empathy... everyone has their fears. Have you ever tried doing this together with a friend? You know, someone who could talk you through it?


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Sky High said:


> One thing from your initial post, it's not a pathetic goal. I cannot relate to anxiety, but most people don't have any empathy... everyone has their fears. Have you ever tried doing this together with a friend? You know, someone who could talk you through it?


I don't have any friends, tomorrow i HAVE to go in because i have the Dr's. I'm very worried about it. My mum is taking me, but still....


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Any progress?


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

No progress  still havent made it into town, but i did travel a short distance in the car. i have the flu at the moment, so am staying in bed feeling ill. I'm on valium too now, next week will be hard for me, but i do have the diazapam to fall back on, 2mg atm.


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Anything new?

Don't mean to intrude. Just trying to give you a little push and support.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

somename said:


> Anything new?
> 
> Don't mean to intrude. Just trying to give you a little push and support.


No no, i appreciate it, feels like someone cares 

But i still haven't managed to achieve it yet


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Don't give up.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Baby steps. What is the closest to leaving your home where you are only very slightly uncomfortable? Maybe step just outside your door for a few minutes, then go back inside before you get really anxious. If you felt safe enough with that, try adding a few minutes next time, or increase the distance a little. Sit in your car, turn the ignition on, realize that you're safe, turn it off and reward yourself for another baby step accomplished. The point is to finish some small uncomfortable task feeling like you've accomplished it, and getting your brain to realize that you're safe. 
I found this method in an anxiety workbook and used it to be able to go outside to get the mail. Don't feel bad about small steps seeming pathetic. My first step to getting the mail was to peek through the curtains to see if anyone was on the street.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> Baby steps. What is the closest to leaving your home where you are only very slightly uncomfortable? Maybe step just outside your door for a few minutes, then go back inside before you get really anxious. If you felt safe enough with that, try adding a few minutes next time, or increase the distance a little. Sit in your car, turn the ignition on, realize that you're safe, turn it off and reward yourself for another baby step accomplished. The point is to finish some small uncomfortable task feeling like you've accomplished it, and getting your brain to realize that you're safe.
> I found this method in an anxiety workbook and used it to be able to go outside to get the mail. Don't feel bad about small steps seeming pathetic. My first step to getting the mail was to peek through the curtains to see if anyone was on the street.


I'm managing to sit in the garden a small bit, but it's not much. i sleep through the day as that is when my mum is out of the house and i feel most anxious. so if i sleep through it, i don't have to deal with the anxiety. but it gets quite bad at night.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Great job on being able to sit in your garden for a bit. I'm not great at giving advice, so here are some videos that have helped me, http://www.social-anxiety-solutions.com/free-videos-for-you/ 
They're done by a therapist who specializes in treating SA, using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> Great job on being able to sit in your garden for a bit. I'm not great at giving advice, so here are some videos that have helped me, http://www.social-anxiety-solutions.com/free-videos-for-you/
> They're done by a therapist who specializes in treating SA, using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).


I'm severely depressed as well, i don't even wanna get better at this stage. The dr is coming tomorrow and maybe she will be able to help, though i doubt it. People say i should get better for myself, but what, honestly, is the point? I don't enjoy anything anymore, and it feels like i have almost nothing to live for. Yeah i have a family, but they've got their own thing going on, they don't need me. I've just given up at this point.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Don't give up. I know what it's like to be so depressed you don't want to get better. It's a vicious cycle. I know it seems hopeless, but it does get better. Getting past the depression is the first step.
Have you been able to sit in your garden a bit more? What kind of garden do you have, vegetable, flower? You said you had a dog, what breed is it? I have a chow, and my chow has a pet lab.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> Don't give up. I know what it's like to be so depressed you don't want to get better. It's a vicious cycle. I know it seems hopeless, but it does get better. Getting past the depression is the first step.
> Have you been able to sit in your garden a bit more? What kind of garden do you have, vegetable, flower? You said you had a dog, what breed is it? I have a chow, and my chow has a pet lab.


I have a large garden, it's mostly just grass, brothers play a lot of football and rugby on there, or they did years ago. The dog is a border colli. She's cute, but mum takes her out a lot, so i'm here on my own most the time.

I don't know how to get past the depression


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Border collies are cute. Very intelligent too. My sister has a border collie/australian shepherd mix, and he follows me everywhere. He is the whiniest dog I have ever seen.
Did anything happen before you became depressed? Before I became depressed, my mom would call me every damn day after she got divorced. She'd complain for 1-2 hours about her life for over a month, without asking how I was doing. Plus culture shock of moving 3000 miles away added to it. That's how my depression started.
What do you like to do, or liked to do before you were depressed?
Getting on this forum and talking about it is a great way to start getting past the depression. You're on the right path. Keep it up and celebrate the little victories, like being able to sit in your garden. It might seem insignificant to most people, but SAers know that it's an accomplishment. You even gave yourself a goal to work towards, which is awesome, and shows that you do want to get better.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> Border collies are cute. Very intelligent too. My sister has a border collie/australian shepherd mix, and he follows me everywhere. He is the whiniest dog I have ever seen.
> Did anything happen before you became depressed? Before I became depressed, my mom would call me every damn day after she got divorced. She'd complain for 1-2 hours about her life for over a month, without asking how I was doing. Plus culture shock of moving 3000 miles away added to it. That's how my depression started.
> What do you like to do, or liked to do before you were depressed?
> Getting on this forum and talking about it is a great way to start getting past the depression. You're on the right path. Keep it up and celebrate the little victories, like being able to sit in your garden. It might seem insignificant to most people, but SAers know that it's an accomplishment. You even gave yourself a goal to work towards, which is awesome, and shows that you do want to get better.


My dogs really not a lover. haha. She hates other dogs, the only time she's ever really loving is when she wants something.

I've been depressed for a long time, i used to have a friend who would kinda use me, she was seriously ill and she used to vent at me all the time, and then when i was going through stuff she basically said she couldn't deal with me and told me to f off. (i constantly visited her in hospital more than her 'real friends' and i was always helping her out with moving stuff, i pushed her round the shops in a wheelchair when she got out of hospital, i even took her there once, so when she said she basically didn't care about my problems i was mortified, i walked home, 2 miles in the rain just sobbing the entire time. still hurts to talk about that now) I was so upset because i thought we were good friends and she was a complete arse to me. She's done a lot better than me in the end though, she completed uni, has been abroad, got boyfriends/friends. Yeah she's still ill but she has a lot of support, whereas i have no one and i never do anything and never leave. 
I was bullied at uni as well for being different, i'm vegi, i like to read non-mainstream stuff (basically i don't read HP or twilight, i never liked that stuff). I was bullied for being thin, for dressing differently. I was kinda more indie i guess, i liked going to second hand shops and they bullied me for that. I wasn't much interested in flirting and misleading boys, i just wanted a good time and i was always straight up about everything. And i was bullied for that too. I feel like i will never fit in anywhere, or i will never be able to find people like me. People like that always seem to have loads of confidence to go out and do stuff. and i just don't have that.
All i want is to experience life, and i just feel so worthless because everyone always belittles everything i am.
I like rugby and i would get bullied for that, basically that it wasn't girly, or i didn't know enough.
I was bullied for playing video games by other girls, and my ex bf basically said he thought i was sad, and he wouldn't buy the game i wanted for my birthday because he didn't want to encourage my behavior in gaming. I just feel like absolutely crap about myself.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

It really hurts to be used like that. I imagine your 'friend' vented to you because you're the only person she knew who would listen. You don't need her in your life, or anyone like her. Sometimes it helps to vent on paper, then burn it (safely, of course).
People will find any reason to bully. They only do it to feel better about themselves, because they have no/low self esteem. Every time I was bullied, it helped to think that they're only doing it because they have issues too. But that doesn't mean it's fair to you. They take their frustrations out on other people, whereas we target ourselves. I think a lot of confident looking people hate themselves.
I never fit in either, because I had selective mutism. I was known as "that girl who doesn't talk." It got to the point where some "friends" pointed out that I wasn't eating much at lunch (I wasn't hungry) and from that day on, I couldn't eat in front of other people at school. I feel messed up for letting some little comment effect me so much.
The next time someone belittles you, remember that they're doing it because they secretly think their own lives are pathetic. Truly confident people will treat you with respect and be kind to you. Those are the only people you need in your life, especially now.
We actually sound fairly similar. I don't read mainstream stuff either. I read mainly Dragonlance, some Clive Cussler. I'm very picky in what I read. I wanted to play rugby one summer, because it was becoming somewhat popular in my town and it looked fun. I pointed out a poster to my dad and mentioned wanting to play. He said that we (we're farmers) were too busy during summer to drive 45 minutes away for rugby practice. Funny how he and my step mom were able to drive my sister to hockey practice 45 minutes away, week-long hockey schools that required staying at hotels, and weekend tournaments 1-3 hours away. I never played sports much in school because of my SA, but I really wanted to.
I love video games. I don't play every game out there, I have a few favourites that I stick with, which are mainly Halo and Assassin's Creed on Xbox. What consoles and games do you play? I'm glad you're not with that guy anymore, now you can find someone who will play video games and watch rugby with you!
I definitely understand wanting so badly to experience life. I'm scared to think of where I would be now without my boyfriend. I know I never would have gone to university had my stepsister not gone to the same school, at the same time. I was dependent on her a lot during school.
I'm done rambling, but I would suggest you look into Emotional Freedom Technique for depression and anxiety. It has helped me a lot, as well as a few other people on the forum. It's not the most popular method (it sounds like a worthless scam by its description), but it's being used by psychologists, psychiatrists, life coaches, etc. with research showing that it does work. It's based on acupuncture/acupressure meridian points, and you can do it by yourself, at home, for free. Perfect for SA sufferers.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Yeah, she really wasn't a good person, i hope that catches up with her one of these days. All the friends i've had have always tried to take advantage of me, all the girl friends anyway, it's never really worked out before. I'm not saying i hate girls, but they just don't seem to like me, not that guys do either, but they have been kinder to me. I've always been bullied by people i guess, i try not to let it bother me because I know i'm better than that, but this time, at uni, it really got me down and it was too much.

The dr came out to see me today and i'm getting a visit from the mental health professionals on friday, i'm really nervous about it, but i know that it's a step in the right direction so i'm feeling somewhat positive about it. Just hope that it doesn't all fall apart now!


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> It really hurts to be used like that. I imagine your 'friend' vented to you because you're the only person she knew who would listen. You don't need her in your life, or anyone like her. Sometimes it helps to vent on paper, then burn it (safely, of course).
> People will find any reason to bully. They only do it to feel better about themselves, because they have no/low self esteem. Every time I was bullied, it helped to think that they're only doing it because they have issues too. But that doesn't mean it's fair to you. They take their frustrations out on other people, whereas we target ourselves. I think a lot of confident looking people hate themselves.
> I never fit in either, because I had selective mutism. I was known as "that girl who doesn't talk." It got to the point where some "friends" pointed out that I wasn't eating much at lunch (I wasn't hungry) and from that day on, I couldn't eat in front of other people at school. I feel messed up for letting some little comment effect me so much.
> The next time someone belittles you, remember that they're doing it because they secretly think their own lives are pathetic. Truly confident people will treat you with respect and be kind to you. Those are the only people you need in your life, especially now.
> ...


Still havent managed it, but a mental health professional came out to assess me friday, and they're sending someone out to help me at some point, so that's good


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

That's great. It's really convenient that they can go to your house. I really hope they're able to help you. Keep us posted! It might get tough at times, but you can do it. It does get better, as long as you take action, no matter how small the action is.
I know what you mean about mean girls. I've never had any guy bully me, only popular girls. I still can't figure out why they picked on me, all I did was not talk and try my best to not be noticed in any way.
What kind of video games do you play?


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> That's great. It's really convenient that they can go to your house. I really hope they're able to help you. Keep us posted! It might get tough at times, but you can do it. It does get better, as long as you take action, no matter how small the action is.
> I know what you mean about mean girls. I've never had any guy bully me, only popular girls. I still can't figure out why they picked on me, all I did was not talk and try my best to not be noticed in any way.
> What kind of video games do you play?


I really hope it gets better, i'm trying to be a lot more positive, and it's getting easier. 
Same with me! I just kept myself to myself, and they bullied me for it 
I love the AC series, played them all. Currently really into sims. But i played all sorts, aoe, portal, GTA, Fable, i loved rachet and crank when i was younger! lol. But mainly sims atm. Got a DS so i play zelda and mario too


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

I read Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, and it helped me feel better about being an introvert and keeping to myself most of the time. Most people make me feel like being quiet isn't normal, yet being loud and obnoxious is.
AC is awesome, I'm proud that it's made in my province. I've been thinking about reading the AC novels. I've never played those other games you mentioned, other than GTA 2 on pc. My only DS game is mario kart, and I love it. I'm really excited about Baldur's gate 2 being re-released on pc soon, because I played it so much during high school to forget about other crap going on.


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> I read Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, and it helped me feel better about being an introvert and keeping to myself most of the time. Most people make me feel like being quiet isn't normal, yet being loud and obnoxious is.
> AC is awesome, I'm proud that it's made in my province. I've been thinking about reading the AC novels. I've never played those other games you mentioned, other than GTA 2 on pc. My only DS game is mario kart, and I love it. I'm really excited about Baldur's gate 2 being re-released on pc soon, because I played it so much during high school to forget about other crap going on.


Wednesday their coming out to see me  hopefully it goes well. I've started a porject redecorating my room, if it goes well, i'm gonna be doing up some other furniture that my parents and grand parents have  Enojoying it  Something to do isn't it.

Ac is awesome, i really wanna get the novels too 

Sometimes I just don't feel like talking, and it's upsetting because people don't like people who are like that


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Redecorating sounds like a lot of fun. What do you mean by doing up some furniture? Painting and/upholstering? What colours and/or theme are you using? I haven't had a chance to redecorate in years, so I'm kinda jealous.

I'm perfectly content to do something quietly on my own, but like you said, other people don't like that.
I'm not sure I'll actually get around to reading AC, since I'm pretty stubborn about sticking to my fantasy series, but the storyline is very intriguing. What do you normally read?


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Did anyone come by yet? How did it go?


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## andyhog (Oct 11, 2013)

Will you be taking someone with you just in case, did you have problems with driving before? Hope it goes well for you.


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## lesedwards (Oct 7, 2013)

Go out of your comfort zone! It's awesome!


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

*UPDATE!!!*

Small update. It took 2 months but i'm able to go out into town now as long as i have someone with me. I feel anxious walking too far away from the car, but i walk around the lake about 5 times a week (a mile round the lake), could only manage half way round at first (illogical i know) but i can now do 2 laps. Have been on many walks, have driven a litttle and have even been out to dinner and tea. I have to have someone with me though.

On my own i can go around the estate i live on which i do every night with my dog, twice. Not sure how far it is, but it isn't very far.

I have also improved my diet, redecorated my room, and reduced my dependance on some of the drugs i take.

Don't know if anyone will see this, but as i make very few positive posts, i thought this might be a good one.

I am proud of myself, but everynow and then i look ahead and see how much i can't do yet, and how much longer i have to wait to get better and it really upsets me. But seeing how far i've come in the last 2 months is just fab


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## Ellietot (Sep 1, 2013)

Samtrix said:


> Did anyone come by yet? How did it go?


Hey  thanks so much for your help on this thread. I was gone for a long time as it was a constant mixture of up and down for me. But now i've updated this thread and things are seeming to get better. I just hope it continues  Thanks, hope youre good


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