# Dealing with new anxieties - my partner wants an open relationship



## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

Hi everyone, 

Apologies in advance for the huge sorry-for-yourself rant

So i find myself in a pretty tough situation and I'm not really sure how to deal with it, for myself, for my partner. 

I'm currently in a relationship with the love of my life, i had a long-term relationship before this but never have I had these sorts of feelings - i don't want to be with anyone else (ever), they just don't compare on any level (in my mind) - we live together and have been for months now. I'm 26 and she is 20, but I think my affection for her might have left her feeling trapped - looking down on a long monogamous future is scary at 20. I know, because I felt the same way at her age, but def do not now - pursuing other relationships doesn't interest me at all, she is all I want.

We've been together for over a year and a half but a month ago my partner (who also has SA) told me that she wanted to 'pursue a relationship' with a then friend of mine (my only real friend at the time outside of my housemate who I have known for years). 

In the weeks that have followed she has been spending one or two days a week at his house (we used to go over as a couple), now I don't see him one-on-one and I really don't want to, our friendship is pretty badly tainted unfortunately. I also feel like if I presented less emotional resistance to the idea that not only would they have already have sex, she would want to spend even less time with me.

I asked her if there was problems in our relationship but she says it's not like that - she has these feelings and she must be 'free' to pursue them.

My problem is... even though this decision by my partner to pursue these feelings of hers - to change our monogamous loving relationship into an 'open relationship' - is hurtful on such a deep level, I can't help but still retain my love for her. It runs so deep that it really depresses me to think about what is happening sometimes - what I'm doing to myself by continuing the relationship when clearly she doesnt want a monogamous comitted relationship right now - but i lover her what can i do? But that said, i'm struggling mentally with this image of how things were between us is been slowly replaced by a new life i'm struggling to find happiness in. 

For her part, she says that she still loves me and wants to be with me etc. but that if she doesn't get the opportunity to pursue these feelings she will probably resent me (ultimately) and be unhappy.

The thing I want most in the world for her is happiness, but I wanted to be the one to share that with her  But at the same time I don't want us to continue if she just wants to be with someone else, she has told me that's not how she feels, but my brain just doesn't reconcile the conflict between my idealisation of our relationship (how it was), what I want (a committed partnership), and what is happening (with each week I sense her feelings drift away).

This is all complicated by our SA. What this means is that even if I - when i'm able to sucessfully to distance myself emoitionally enough to analyse things rationally - try to discuss how this new development in our relationship makes me feel nearly always results in heigtening feelings of anxiety concerning her admitted emotional self-conflict. I have now doubt that this processs has been very hard for her - but that situation can't help but make me feel helpless and heighten my anxiety.

The worst time for me is when I am alone with my thoughts, sitting at my desk at work, travelling on the train, sitting at home waiting her to come back from that guys place or just because she has gone to his house for the night and plans to stay until the following afternoon (she has insomnia so sometime she wont be awake til late arvo).

It's these times that I struggle with invasive thoughts - picturing what they are doing, having fun together - but also running through like a slideshow of all the things I miss about our relationship - what it was - her being there to give me a hug and a kiss when I get home from work (and then thinking, well she does this with that guy now), just this beautiful exclusivity of being totally comitted to someone emotionally, physically. It was so romantic and beautiful to me.

Basically, I can't switch this stuff off and it's ruining my daily life and my relationship.

The net result is, when I'm away from her I often find myself falling into deep spiralling negative thought processes, when I do see her it's great - but sometimes it gets spoiled by my need to express some something sad I might have reflected on or have bothered me that day (about the open relationship thing). Or because she has done something conscious or not, intentional or not (though in most cases I wouldnt know until we talked later or whatever) that I have interpreted as a sign she doesnt want to be with me, love me, or that she loves this other guy etc. These elaborate feelings of insecurity hurt our relationship and may me look controlling/possessive, and feel stupid (upon reflection).

A part of me wants to be so happy for her, because over a year ago she was much less comfortable meeting new people etc. and now she has the confidence to pursue new relationships - but I can't feel that this is at the expense of my happiness. That whether it is intentional or not, I'm being used as a sort of safety net for her to test out of relationships that may not work out- but she says she loves me, that she wants to have my kids and all that. It's so confusing for both of us, since I believe when she tells me her feelings for this guy are real and that she wouldn't be pursuing this thing if it wasn't. But how can i control my feelings of despair, and my minds obsession with hammering into my skull, it seems every day, that I should be unhappy, and worse that I should keep thinking about this stuff because maybe I might get some kind of insight I have lack so far.

The problem is the more I think about it the more elaborate my anxiety - lately I haven't been able to watch TV without hearing the dialogue talking to my situation, my feelings, I know that it isn't - but it's invasive nonetheless and makes me anxious when it shouldn't, and doesn't usually (though it has happened before).

This has negative impacts on my relationship because instead of us enjoying our time together my anxiety leads into some sort of discussion that usually ends badly. This is another issue, we find it very difficult to have conversations about this stuff, my feelings etc. with provoking quite intense anxiety for us (particularly her, because of the internal conflict she feels).

So my strategy, my only strategy short of us breaking up (ugh, what a waste that would be - we are so good together, and i have never met anyone in my life that compares to her, I live for her) is basically to put up a front. Not a total front in the sense that it's fake - but I need to start building a wall around my brain or something I dunno. Hide my sadness, but embrace the time we have together?

I dunno, all my ideas seems to have the same effect I get overwhelmed by sadness or frustration and it goes nowhere. I want to be happy, and I want her to be happy, but I want her to be happy with 'just me' - in the same way that she is my world and all I'll ever need. I know it's silly to force stuff like this - which is why either we need to break up or I need to deal better, I want to deal better. I want to be comfortable, to feel secure in our relationship, happiness with my own life, to feel loved and valued. And I want all of things to involve her - gah - the more I articulate this stuff the more I get the seems that I'm being hopelessly irrational, and that i'm kidding myself that we'll have what we used to.

I guess I want so much to be the optimist. Gah. Please help. I want to repair our relationship but also regain some sort of emotional and mental stability in my life.

Again, sorry for the length.


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

Kick her out or get away from her, and get counseling.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

I don't know if I am ready to make that kind of decision - like a future without her in it seems a might more sad and lonely place then where I am now. I know there will always be other people, but I don't wan't to give up.

In part I think that I am making this harder for myself - then perhaps it even needs to be? I know I can't help having these sorts of negative thoughts, but I want to be able to better control them, or at least to able to distract myself mentally or otherwise neutralise the lasting effect these thoughts may have. I think if I can manage to calm myself emotionally, train myself to get out of these worry-cycles where I worry about some random action/inaction of her 'means' for 'us' or her feelings towards me etc. - usually these are exaggerated responses, and sometimes totally wrong for the context and make me look 'jealous' or 'needy'/'clingy' - all of which preciptates resentment from her, just as a matter of course - it's hard to deal with heavy emotional **** all the time. I need to learn there are better ways to deal with things sometimes then to spill your guts. It's just that because of my SA i'm very sensitive and overanalyse.

Is that just wishful thinking nonsense?


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

She said that she would not be able to be with you or be happy if you did not let her go off with other guys and do god knows what? Sounds like a lose lose for you. Sounds to me like she is using your feelings for her as blackmail to see other men and holding onto you almost as a fall back safety if her shenanigans dont work for her.

Imo this situation is pretty clear, she is using you, she does not appear to truly love you and she could cheat on you at any chance down the line if you stay together. Rough but imo the honest truth.

Sounds like she will only cause you more pain than anything down the line.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Ospi said:


> She said that she would not be able to be with you or be happy if you did not let her go off with other guys and do god knows what? Sounds like a lose lose for you. Sounds to me like she is using your feelings for her as blackmail to see other men and holding onto you almost as a fall back safety if her shenanigans dont work for her.
> 
> Imo this situation is pretty clear, she is using you, she does not appear to truly love you and she could cheat on you at any chance down the line if you stay together. Rough but imo the honest truth.
> 
> Sounds like she will only cause you more pain than anything down the line.


+10000000000000000000

I'm going to be frank, stop being delusional about your relationship. She doesn't care about you. She doesn't care about your feelings. She is selfish. She is not good for you.

Sparkle, end the relationship and cut off all contact with her. I know that sounds harsh, but she's got a hold over you, that's clear, and she's more than willing to use you. It is a very hard thing to do, but every day with her your self esteem will drop, and your world will sink. You have no hope with her. None. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can be happy again, and the sooner you'll be able to find a girl you deserve, one that will actually want you make you happy, instead of ripping your heart apart so she can sleep with whoever she wants, and still get emotional support from you.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

You both want two different things. Open relationships aren't for everyone. I tried being in one myself and I was miserable. If you're not comfortable with it, then you two either need to go your separate ways, or she needs to be more respectful of your boundaries.

TBH, it sounds like she's being pretty selfish. I'm not trying to insult her, I'm just calling it like I see it. 

If she really loves you, I don't see why she is trying to push for something that clearly makes you uncomfortable. I also don't see why she's trying to have a relationship with one of your best friends, when it's obviously hurting you and tainting the friendship. I mean, she's like breaking one of the fundamental rules of dating here.

I think this is a case of "if you love something, let it go." Maybe down the line after she's gotten this out of her system, the two of you can get back together. But I don't recommend waiting around pining for her while she's out doing her thing either. People always think that their current love is the "love of their lives." They become devastated when the relationship ends, only to meet a new person later who knocks the old one out of the water. 

She is causing you an awful lot of pain....don't be so quick to assume that there isn't someone better for you out there. Someone who is completely willing to be as devoted to you as you are to them.

You said in your post that you live your life for her. Maybe it's time to start living for yourself for awhile, build your confidence back up, open yourself up to meeting new people. 

Nobody deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel like second best.


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## LALoner (Dec 3, 2008)

> The worst time for me is when I am alone with my thoughts, sitting at my desk at work, travelling on the train, sitting at home waiting her to come back from that guys place or just because she has gone to his house for the night and plans to stay until the following afternoon (she has insomnia so sometime she wont be awake til late arvo).


She's not your girlfriend. You think she is, but she's not. She's your ex you just don't know it because your still in love with her. I feel for you, its hard to talk to your heart and tell it to stop loving someone.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

au Lait said:


> You both want two different things. Open relationships aren't for everyone. I tried being in one myself and I was miserable. If you're not comfortable with it, then you two either need to go your separate ways, or she needs to be more respectful of your boundaries.


This is the kind of ultimatum that I want to avoid - I want to be respectful of her feelings - even if she isn't being as respectful about mine her feelings are still valid, and I love her. It's hard for everyone here - like she can't help having feelings for someone else, it's human nature that we feel these things (desires outside of monogamy), so it saddens me that there doesn't seem to be many options but for it to end.



> If she really loves you, I don't see why she is trying to push for something that clearly makes you uncomfortable.


I don't really either, but she says it's because she can't help having feelings for this other guy and I believe her. She doesn't WANT to hurt me, but she has a lot of feelings of internal conflict.

I can sympathise because I have also experienced this feeling of conflict (being in a comitted relationship and wanting to pursue another relationship anyway) it is irrational and she has said herself that it's 'selfish' - but that it's important for her not give up on potential happiness etc. you know?

Well obviously that doesn't just wash over me like a big hug but I do love her, and trust she is not just simply using me on a conscious level. I think she probably feels quite trapped emotionally. But clearly this is just as hard on me you know? It's just a horrible situation, because really it seems that neither of us want the same thing right now - but we still want to be together and into the future?



> I also don't see why she's trying to have a relationship with one of your best friends, when it's obviously hurting you and tainting the friendship. I mean, she's like breaking one of the fundamental rules of dating here.


Yes I did mention this at first as well, it's another reason why I found the situation so hard to grasp, to reconcile my feelings, etc. As far as I'm concerned that friendship is pretty much done but, we can still relate as friends on a personal level and all that - but in the deep recesses of mind? I can't help but resent his role in my unhappiness.



> I think this is a case of "if you love something, let it go." Maybe down the line after she's gotten this out of her system, the two of you can get back together. But I don't recommend waiting around pining for her while she's out doing her thing either. People always think that their current love is the "love of their lives." They become devastated when the relationship ends, only to meet a new person later who knocks the old one out of the water.


I guess, but then I think - well this guy - he is a smart, friendly, caring person - I can understand what she sees in him - so when you say, just step back. I can't help but think well, if I do that maybe I will lose her forever guranteed. Not because she doesn't or didn't love me - but because if I choose to put distance between us - take a break for a while or whatever - what do you think she will be doing?

Spending more time with that other guy. By matter of circumstance and context, I would have actually achieved the opposite of what i want - I would have brought them closer together. Thats' gonna make me miserable. Besides, once I agree to space it really gives validity to the situation, her actions and the decision to leave me much follow where otherwise it may have not.

Does that make sense? I don't want to make this thing she has for the other guy MORE serious than it is - you know? Like if i overreact emotionally because of the hurt - the effect might be to transform marginal feelings for someone else into a full-blown romance that might have otherwise fizzled?



> She is causing you an awful lot of pain....don't be so quick to assume that there isn't someone better for you out there. Someone who is completely willing to be as devoted to you as you are to them.


I know that intellectually, but i havent met them yet! And in a long lesson sense, life seems to make a habit of reminding me that I will always love and care for the people in my life more than they will me. It's not the most uplifting thought but maybe it's the kind of self-preservation I lack mentally, in most cases. It stems from experiences growing up with a bully for a father, and watching the rest of my family ignore (from my pov anyway) how this affected me.



> You said in your post that you live your life for her. Maybe it's time to start living for yourself for awhile, build your confidence back up, open yourself up to meeting new people.
> 
> Nobody deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel like second best.


I totally agree about the last part, but maybe it's possible to be happier in this relationship and not feel like that?

At times, i feel like my own worst enemy - that if only I could handle my thoughts and worries better - I would deal better, generally. And maybe things would stabilise for me?


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Sparkle, what exactly do you realistically expect to happen vs what you want? What chance do you see yourself realistically leaving her right now? What would it take for you to leave her? These are important questions you need to ask yourself.

Honestly, to me it seems you're pretty intent on staying, and holding onto the hope that things will work out. I doubt they will, but who knows(that is not supposed to inject more hope mind you). What I see as far more likely is things only getting worse, her treating you worse and worse(if you're not willing to stand up for yourself, it's in human nature to walk all over you). You'll get more and more depressed, and eventually, she'll either end the relationship, leaving you completely shattered, you'll hit rock bottom and finally leave her, or you'll both stay together, and she'll continue to abuse your emotions, leaving you so full of self loathing and lacking self worth that you'll think you are lucky to have her and you deserve every bit of what she gives you. Or you know, things could work out , again, I just wouldn't hold my breath. 

I'm sorry if I'm saying things you don't like, I'm just disgusted that she would go after your best friend, and that he would betray you, and that you would take that kind of ****. Her, whatever, but your best friend? What kind of friend is he? Is he just weak willed, or as terrible a person as she is...


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

She can't commit and once she gets a little taste of the forbidden, out she'll go. Double burn for you. Your best friend become a SLEAZE, and your ex-girffriend a TEASE.
Trust me, if you are to work on your SA and improve yourself - your outlook would change.....to the point where you could definitely see yourself without her.

I see codependency here....and she's not the clingy type.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

Even though you feel she's the love of your life, you deserve better. This is a toxic relationship, and you must move on. You'll save yourself a lot of pain if do.


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## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

Run away from her - as quick as you can, its like she's trying to drag you down and you deserve someone who loves only you. Best of luck buddy


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

It seems you have made your choice to commit to her for life. That is only for you to decide. But try not to kid yourself that it will get easier and that you will eventually learn to bury your torment. Being with her means living with this torment. 

Your strong negative feelings are there for a reason. Trying to bury them or rationalise them away won't work. They will always resurface.

She is part of you and you therefore empathise with her to such an extent you can accept all that she is at the expense of your wellbeing. It seems you cannot see yourself as a separate being because of the strength of this love and empathy (for her confusion and selfish behaviours).

She has no reason to change while being enabled. It's probable that if you were to back off and draw a line on what you will not tolerate by breaking up, she will come back begging. She needs you but her need is selfish and not real love, which is selfless and empathetic.


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## Music Man (Aug 22, 2009)

I know it will seem really hard to do but tell her to go.

What I see:

- You're not in a relationship
- She's selfish and doesn't care for you or your thoughts
- You're her safety net
- She says she wants your kids to maintain an emotional connection and to prevent you from leaving.
- She's very controlling
- She's a leech
- She could go off any time in the future to someone else.

Think about your future, you need stability not this kind of rubbish.

Also think about if you did have kids with her and then she went with someone else. This would have a big effect on you and your kids and your kids may start to have problems with anxiety or depression and thus the cycle of anxiety and depression continues and claims more victims.

Tell her the impact this is having on you and tell her to go, even though this probably seems like the hardest thing to do.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

My 2 cents is that she has every right to ask for what she wants or feels she needs. You can't really control that or be responsible for her stuff. You have every right, and an obligation to yourself to take care of your needs. 

If my SO suggested something like this to me I would hope that I would have the self respect to say that the only discussion I'm willing to participate in is one regarding what might be wrong with our current relationship that would prompt her to look outside of it. Notice I didn't say I'd discuss what might be wrong with me. 

If after that discussion about the relationship she still wanted to be with someone else, I would again hope that I would have the self respect to wish her well as I ended the relationship. No cross words or blame or judgement, just a simple good-bye.


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## kelsomania (Oct 12, 2010)

I can't imagine having the nerve to spend 2 nights a week at my boyfriend's best friend's house and then coming home to be with my boyfriend.  You deserve so much better. I know how hard and lonely it can be to stop dating someone. I think that you need to slowly move on. 

If she is allowed to date other people then so are you. I know you aren't interested in being with anyone else, but I think you need to try. She is taking your love for granted. The only way to let her know how heartless she is being is to do the same to her. 

I'm not saying that you should play immature games with her, though. If you go on a few dates you might realize that you don't need to be so dependent on her love.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

Hate to say it but I agree with everyone. Some people are in open relationships and it works for them and that's fine. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen for you. You clearly don't want it. .....Cut her loose, PLEASE. You are only hurting yourself by keeping her around. Like you said she's 20 and probably doesn't want to settle down right now. She doesn't sound like a very good person at all. 

If an open relationship was really what she wanted, she would have discussed it with you, talked to you about all the pros and cons, that it's what she thinks will be good for the both of you, tried to get you to see the good in it and agree to TRY it and see how it goes. But that's not what happened. She just basically said "I have a crush on your friend and I want to date him and if you don't let me I will always resent you" ... she's being manipulative. Hopefully you will see that soon.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Saying goodbye is often times the best way of showing you love someone. If you let her go, you'll be showing her how much you love her by allowing her to pursue what she thinks she wants. If her and your friend start dating, how long will it be until she wants to be with one of his friends...and so on? As soon as she started spending the night as his place, that would be it, for me.

You have to end this. No matter what you do, you're going to be miserable...holding onto the hope that she realizes she should be with you is only going to make it worse.
You can still love her, but it's time to love yourself just as much, or more.

And, if you aren't strong enough yet to let her go completely, you better start trying to date other people too.


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## so_so_shy (Sep 5, 2005)

I personally wouldn't be able to have an open relationship, unless she wanted to be with other girls and me at the same time :boogie


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

the cheat said:


> Saying goodbye is often times the best way of showing you love someone. If you let her go, you'll be showing her how much you love her by allowing her to pursue what she thinks she wants. If her and your friend start dating, how long will it be until she wants to be with one of his friends...and so on? As soon as she started spending the night as his place, that would be it, for me.
> 
> You have to end this. No matter what you do, you're going to be miserable...holding onto the hope that she realizes she should be with you is only going to make it worse.
> You can still love her, but it's time to love yourself just as much, or more.
> ...


I agree with this response completely... at LEAST date other people. I know you said you only want to be with her, but go date anyway. Maybe you will find someone else that wants to be with only you. Maybe go for someone a few years older, too.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I can't imagine the hurt that you must be going through. This is horrible. I had pretty big issues with my ex and things got a bit complicated/messy sometimes. It took a long time to work itself out - didn't want to live alone, was only friend, etc. I do wish I had been able to move out earlier. Now she is still my best friend - but then she never did anything like see someone else.

I guess you should start distancing yourself from her... sleep on the couch, move out, tell her she's just a friend now, spend less time with her, whatever. Be angry.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

I'm not knocking open relationships, because for some people they work out fine. But unless both parties involved are 100% comfortable with the idea, it's just going to be a disaster. Like has been said already; you want a monogamous relationship, but she doesn't. That's a big problem.

I realise you're in love with this person, so it must be terribly hurtful (beyond what I can even imagine - just the thought of not being 'enough' for my partner is devastating to me). But for your own dignity and emotional health, I think you should put your foot down and express your feelings in full to her. You can't stay relatively quiet about your discomfort simply because you fear pushing her further towards him. That's no basis for a healthy, happy relationship. The reality is, you can't make someone be with you and have eyes for you only if that's just not how they feel. And if you sit back and let her get on with the things she wants to do, that hurt you deeply, it's really a disaster waiting to happen. It's said all the time, but relationships really _do_ have to be a two-way thing, based around mutual respect. And if you're just trying to cater to her feelings all the time, at the expense of your own, things will never work out 'happily ever after'.

She's just obviously not ready to settle down yet, and the best thing you can do is to let her move on and work out what she actually wants from a relationship/who she wants one with. And I really think it would spare you greater heartache in the long-run if you moved on yourself, though I know the prospect must seem awfully hard.


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## Surrender (Jul 19, 2010)

She's 20. Too young to really know what the hell she wants. I say ditch the girl and convince your friend to do the same. If you can't convince him to do that, then he's not worth having around.

She is just a female player.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

Thanks to everyone who has offered comments of support for me, all the responses have been helpful so far. Thank you everyone.



lonleyjew said:


> Sparkle, what exactly do you realistically expect to happen vs what you want?
> 
> What chance do you see yourself realistically leaving her right now? What would it take for you to leave her? These are important questions you need to ask yourself.


I don't know.

I know that I don't want to be in an open relationship, I guess I expect that if things between us can cool down a bit, and I give her some space and time that things with this other guy will not pan out. But I just don't know what will happen, so it may just get harder - that's why I am so conflicted.

I don't want to leave her if there's a chance that this is just a phase precipitated by genuine feelings for this guy (or at least you know, enough chemistry and attraction to make it look or feel like 'something') and a mini-existential crisis (her dad died earlier this year). I don't feel like she is lying to me when she says she loves me etc. and that her confusion about her feelings is real and not put on. Because of that it makes it hard for me to rationalise breaking up completely because I feel like it's not really a situation she has planned or has any real control over - even if I recognise intellectually that the situation is very unfair for me.

Though I think maybe people are right - even if I do love her and think she loves me etc., clearly at the moment she doesnt love' me in the way I love her - my love excludes all others. I want her to have the same feelings, and I guess I feel like if we break up I would be giving up on the chance to have that with her, ever.

On the other hand, like I said, I think people are right that maybe breaking up is the only way to deal with this for my sanity - even if I love her still - because I love her it's too hard to stay around why she gives time, attention and affection to someone else. Getting used to being alone will probably be easier over time but I would never be as happy alone as I am with her.

In terms of what it would take to leave her? I don't know exactly. I've come close to sitting down and starting that conversation but I can't bring myself to do it. It just feels like the wrong way to deal with this. That we had something quite special and we might still have if I give her this phase. I've been there too you know? If or when she comes back and tells me they've had sex, well I guess that would be a bitter pill. And probably my last?

I sound very delusional I know. It's just it's hard to communicate the value and depth of our relationship, our love etc. before this recent turn of events - all that sort of stuff, over the internet.



> Her, whatever, but your best friend? What kind of friend is he? Is he just weak willed, or as terrible a person as she is...


He disappointed me - I would not have handled things the way he did if the situation was reversed, that is for sure. That said, he has tried to accomodate my feelings and listen to how I feel about things - tbh I think he is respecting my boundaries more than my partner is at the moment 
I mean, it doesn't change the fact that he didn't say 'i'm flattered, but no thank you - i couldn't do that to X' - so a part of me will never forgive him.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

Atticus said:


> My 2 cents is that she has every right to ask for what she wants or feels she needs. You can't really control that or be responsible for her stuff. You have every right, and an obligation to yourself to take care of your needs.


I agree, I'm not trying to control her feelings - that is why we haven't broken up yet - I've tried to give her time to sort out her feelings for this other guy. It's just obviously that process is hard for me and she doesn't seem capable or willing to confront the emotional impact on me, because it makes her feelings for my friend to complicated, and consequently heightens her own anxiety.



> If my SO suggested something like this to me I would hope that I would have the self respect to say that the only discussion I'm willing to participate in is one regarding what might be wrong with our current relationship that would prompt her to look outside of it. Notice I didn't say I'd discuss what might be wrong with me.
> 
> If after that discussion about the relationship she still wanted to be with someone else, I would again hope that I would have the self respect to wish her well as I ended the relationship. No cross words or blame or judgement, just a simple good-bye.


I agree, If we do break up it will hopefully be like that - I don't have anger towards her, only really sadness and disappointment. But it's not ever going to be that simple. After hearing her revelation I experienced alot of grief - like losing a loved one. As my feelings settle decisions become easier to conceptualise but I think you're wrong to suggest that anyone could go from being in a loving long-term relationship and then decide to end it instantly on the spot after only a moments consideration.

If we broke up I really wouldn't want to live together anymore, but she would be pretty screwed up by it (me too, I would need a new place), her parents and that live interstate. We've got two cats. Next year she is going to study at a tertiary institution right near our current place. The other guy doesn't live that far away (a few suburbs over) but he has two pets of his own and they wouldn't be able to all live in one place (maybe she would give me one of the cats I dunno). Though he does have a spare room, so she could live with him if she needed to - even if they didn't share a room straight away. I don't know if that's what he wants right now though.

So yeah, even if I want to break up it's not like the only consequence is our relationship is over, it throws all of our living situations up in the air.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

kelsomania said:


> If she is allowed to date other people then so are you. I know you aren't interested in being with anyone else, but I think you need to try. She is taking your love for granted. The only way to let her know how heartless she is being is to do the same to her.
> 
> I'm not saying that you should play immature games with her, though. If you go on a few dates you might realize that you don't need to be so dependent on her love.


This is def something I think would help me. I do feel better about things when I spend good time with other people, it's just that over the course of this relationship - because of my contentment being with her - I've let what other serious friendships I had sort of fade away. In some cases it's been so long that i'm too anxious to get back into contact - so it just perpetuates itself. There's one person I would like to spend time with again who I used to, we used to be good friends, but he has a busy life and I don't have a car, getting to his place isn't as easy as I would like. It just seems unlikely to work.

But other women? I know other women sure - I'm just not interested in them like that. I know that doesn't mean I couldn't be - but it just makes it hard for me to find a place to start. Since, deep-down I know I just want to be with my partner, I would feel stupid and dishonest - even If i was upfront with people about my situation. I'm not ruling it out - but I don't find myself romantically attracted to people in this way very often, she really is a special person for me.

Besides, I also feel that whilst pursuing something of my own (hanging out with old friends isn't really the same as going to the house of someone you 'care about' and have sexual feelings for) is possible it would just detract from my relationship. Like, I dont want to see my partner less, but more. If I pursue something I may make her jealous and realise, just how much I mean to her - but it might not, and I would really just be endorsing the idea of an open relationship - which I don't need or want. I will try though, I really have to I guess - It's not like there isn't a chance 'things will get too hard for her to deal with' and she'll decide that navigating her emotional conflict is no longer worth it. I don't think she would do that intentionally to hurt me, but clearly she has feelings for someone else and they're too important to ignore.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Sparkle motion said:


> This is def something I think would help me. I do feel better about things when I spend good time with other people, it's just that over the course of this relationship - because of my contentment being with her - I've let what other serious friendships I had sort of fade away. In some cases it's been so long that i'm too anxious to get back into contact - so it just perpetuates itself. There's one person I would like to spend time with again who I used to, we used to be good friends, but he has a busy life and I don't have a car, getting to his place isn't as easy as I would like. It just seems unlikely to work.
> 
> But other women? I know other women sure - I'm just not interested in them like that. I know that doesn't mean I couldn't be - but it just makes it hard for me to find a place to start. Since, deep-down I know I just want to be with my partner, I would feel stupid and dishonest - even If i was upfront with people about my situation. I'm not ruling it out - but I don't find myself romantically attracted to people in this way very often, she really is a special person for me.
> 
> Besides, I also feel that whilst pursuing something of my own (hanging out with old friends isn't really the same as going to the house of someone you 'care about' and have sexual feelings for) is possible it would just detract from my relationship. Like, I dont want to see my partner less, but more. If I pursue something I may make her jealous and realise, just how much I mean to her - but it might not, and I would really just be endorsing the idea of an open relationship - which I don't need or want. I will try though, I really have to I guess - It's not like there isn't a chance 'things will get too hard for her to deal with' and she'll decide that navigating her emotional conflict is no longer worth it. I don't think she would do that intentionally to hurt me, but clearly she has feelings for someone else and they're too important to ignore.


These other women you know that you aren't interested in...are you friends with them? What I mean is, surely they have friends who you might be interested in, and they could set you up...that's what friends do.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

the cheat said:


> These other women you know that you aren't interested in...are you friends with them? What I mean is, surely they have friends who you might be interested in, and they could set you up...that's what friends do.


Yes I do have female friends, more than male ones but it's about the kind of person I want to be with - there's a reason I chose to be with my current partner. She is the most complete person I've ever met. It sounds stupid and irrational I know - but it's how I feel, I love her, she just makes me feel quite special - like no way I have felt with another person, or about another person. I really can't explain how I feel about her in more clearly than that - and that opinion hasn't changed despite all my recent hurt. The question then becomes whether, because of the circumstances, it's really going to be worthwhile for me to be with a person I feel that way towards, but who doesn't return my feelings. It def has taken a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. When you live with someone in a long-term relationship what you share, and what they say to you means a lot - she makes me feel like this super smart super beautiful nice loving person who is great in bed! Really, my best possible self. Or at least she did.

The hard thing there is the process of self-doubt that takes place after she has told me she has desire and feelings for someone else that 'has to' pursue lest she be unhappy or regretful. And that she is willing for me to be hurt or unhappy to pursue that. It just makes me doubt my self-worth, and the honesty of her feelings. I know that it shouldn't - I think that i am a fairly intelligent person, that I am attractive etc. but just the hurt of hearing this from someone you love, and enjoying how they make you feel and then to have those ideas sort thrown out - she wants someone else - am I really all these things she says? If so, why throw it away? But alas her feelings aren't rational - and she doesn't feel like she wants to live a life where these sorts of feelings are controlled and not pursued.

Yep, that really doesn't sound good for me - it's just hard to convince myself that being alone and instigating some new trauma (breaking up, moving out, finding a new place) is an improvement on where I am now, you know?

But like I said, I've not been the most active 'friend' for many people over the past year, so i'm anxious about quickly restarting these friendships. Like if my old friends are still interested in talking to me etc.? Because of my SA, sometimes when there is some distance between me and someone - like I haven't seen them in a while, but they have contacted me since but I haven't replied straight away and their message has just sat in my inbox or whatever for days, weeks. I will sometimes be too embarrassed to reply :/

I guess I just feel like maybe some of these people won't care about me anymore either, because they would feel like I have been ignoring them, and don't care about them etc. (and besides, they clearly all have their own lives, other friends etc.). When really, my lack of contact often stems from my own projected anxiety/insecurity about their feelings towards me. It is very irrational and ultimately counter-productive to my relationships but not something that has caused me serious problems yet (as with a lot of SA, this sort of stuff is more real and meaningful in my head than to anyone else necessarily).

So yeah, I guess I don't feel like it's going to be a quick or easy process to go from where i am to having an active 'friends circle' again, let alone trying to explore more serious feelings.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Something to keep in mind

Kubler-Ross model


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Get the f**k away from her now!


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Sparkle motion said:


> Yes I do have female friends, more than male ones but it's about the kind of person I want to be with - there's a reason I chose to be with my current partner. She is the most complete person I've ever met. It sounds stupid and irrational I know - but it's how I feel, I love her, she just makes me feel quite special - like no way I have felt with another person, or about another person. I really can't explain how I feel about her in more clearly than that - and that opinion hasn't changed despite all my recent hurt. The question then becomes whether, because of the circumstances, it's really going to be worthwhile for me to be with a person I feel that way towards, but who doesn't return my feelings. It def has taken a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. When you live with someone in a long-term relationship what you share, and what they say to you means a lot - she makes me feel like this super smart super beautiful nice loving person who is great in bed! Really, my best possible self. Or at least she did.
> 
> The hard thing there is the process of self-doubt that takes place after she has told me she has desire and feelings for someone else that 'has to' pursue lest she be unhappy or regretful. And that she is willing for me to be hurt or unhappy to pursue that. It just makes me doubt my self-worth, and the honesty of her feelings. I know that it shouldn't - I think that i am a fairly intelligent person, that I am attractive etc. but just the hurt of hearing this from someone you love, and enjoying how they make you feel and then to have those ideas sort thrown out - she wants someone else - am I really all these things she says? If so, why throw it away? But alas her feelings aren't rational - and she doesn't feel like she wants to live a life where these sorts of feelings are controlled and not pursued.
> 
> ...


The "moving on" process can be a long one, if you love this girl as much as you say.
You need to start that process...as soon as possible. If things change and she comes crawling back, then you can decide to stop trying to move on but until then...you're just asking for trouble if you sit around and wait. If you want her to come back, it's the worst thing you can do because she knows you're there and she can wait as long as she wants. If she thinks you're trying to date other girls, she'll be more likely to come back at the first sign of trouble between her and this "friend."


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

I agree, what you say does sound rational and more fair to me personally - but can I do this whilst also living in the same house as her? She wont bring this guy over here, but unless I move into another room or something we would still be sharing a bed etc. I just can't move on from her when she's so close (literally) to me. It just makes me miss being with her, enjoying her company, seeing her smile etc. So what that means is - if I want to do this - really - like try to create some emotional independance for myself I'll have to move out, at least from the room we're in (we've got a spare at the moment). I'm just not sure that would be enough space for me, which begs the question - why not just move out?

The thought makes me almost as anxious as my relationship. My parents do live in the same city, but I left their house many years ago and have no desire to return to live there. I live with another person besides my partner, who i've known for a few years, we could move out together but he's not really the kind of person Id want to live with just by myself. The problem is I can only really afford to live in a share house. I could in theory, get a studio for myself or something - but I don't really desire to live in such a small place by myself.

But this is something I will try. I'm going to try not to be so available to her all the time etc. it's just so hard, because I want to be! You know? Gah.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

At the very least, you need a hobby that gets you out of the house and distracts you. Maybe even multiple hobbies. Thats where you'll meet new friends..and girls. It'll be hard if you suffer from social anxiety obviously, but even if you're out alone, go out...don't let her think you're sitting at home heart-broken. 
Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, but if you're never gone, she might never realize it. I think you know what you need to do, it's just gonna be difficult. You don't need to move out, but it might be something to work towards.


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## static.unknown (Aug 17, 2008)

So, in summary, your girlfriend has started sleeping with one of your friends, has told you outright she wants a relationship with him, yet you are unable to tell her that this hurts you because you're afraid that feeling upset is selfish or controlling? This doesn't sound like a proper relationship at all. This more sounds like her way of skipping over a messy breakup with you under the pretext of an open relationship.

I mean, think about it. What if you had been the one to suggest an open relationship to her? What would have led you to actually saying this? 

First, you would have been thinking about this for a while. A decision to bring up an open relationship doesn't just happen overnight.

Second, you would have known it would upset her. I mean, sleeping with other people is THE number one taboo in any relationship. Not to mention that she actually told you it was one of your friends she wanted to pursue. Just think of what it would take to go and tell your girlfriend that you wanted to start seeing her friend, but you were both still together? To tell your girlfriend that you would be resentful if she didn't let you date other people? You would know it would upset her. Not just upset her, but deeply hurt her. You would half expect her to break up with you on the spot.

Imagine then, that after all this, your girlfriend doesn't really get upset at all. No yelling, no screaming. A few questions about issues with the relationship, which you answer by saying you still care about her, but want something on the side too. Then just silent resignation from her. You may be thinking "wow, that's great. I can't believe that went so smoothly". You may deep down know it hurt her, but are just relieved it went so well. No messy breakup. No anger. Not much at all. You could even be a bit confused as to why it went so well. "Does she even like me that much? Maybe she's already been seeing other people anyways?"

Third, you may have even been seeing this friend before the open relationship conversation. I mean, it's way easier to just do something now and ask for permission later.

Anyways, I'm not sure of the exact details on everything, but my point is that you should actually try and imagine what it would have been like for your girlfriend. Hopefully this would give you a bit of insight into everything.

I don't mean to sound so harsh, but this situation kind of frustrates me. It's not a really good relationship at all, despite all you say about the "good times". The good times are in the past. You've got to tell her how you feel. It's a hard thing to do, but if you want to find any sort of happiness in life you've got to do it.


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## static.unknown (Aug 17, 2008)

Another thing to add that I just thought of. You mentioned you were both living together, and that it could be a bit difficult for her if she had to find another place to live. Do you not think that her idea of an open relationship was suggested purely because she wants to date other people, but doesn't want to have to deal with moving out? It's a very real possibility.

I know it's a hard thing to deal with. It's very difficult to let others know how you feel, especially if you're afraid the news will hurt them. I think you have taken this a little too far though. You seem to be trying to be as considerate as possible, but at the sacrifice of your own self. Other people should be held to the same standard as you. She should have been considerate of your feelings when bringing up this idea, and staying at your friends place. You should be both equal in this relationship.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

She's making you miserable. Man up, put your foot down, and kick her to the curb. You're allowing yourself to be a door mat and she's taking full advantage of that fact.

She's essentially telling you right to your face that she's cheating on you and she's going to continue to cheat on you. When she spends the night at the other guys place, I can almost guarantee you, they're not staying up late playing Monopoly! You just sit there and take it because you're so blinded by the love you have for her.

Most likely what's going to happen is she'll continue to keep dating your so called "friend" until her feelings for him get stronger and stronger to point where she wants to dump you so she can be with him full time.

Save yourself from another day of this and get rid of her. Get out there and begin dating other girls. They say the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one! Sounds about right. Once you find a girl that actually likes you and wants to be with you and only you, you'll be able to completely forget about your Ex and her cheating that is disguised as an "open relationship".

And get rid of your "friend" too. No _real_ friend would ever do that.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

Well i made the stupidest decision and now i feel absolutely horrible. I arrived home this evening from work - she wasn't here (it was like 6pm). She had something on today from 3-4 but could have made it home before 6. Instead she stopped by the other guys place and was having a drink there when she finally called me back today, after id called her a few times a few hours a part. By this time i was at home from work and disappointed she wasn't here. My first instinct was paranoia - that she was with the other guy - and then when i found out she was - and that she was so cool about it - like just expecting that i wouldnt bat an eyelid. I very calmly told her that id like her to come home so we can talk (about taking a break). So dumb. I should have waited till she actually got home, ive just been thinking about this all day and then well, this evening was disappointed that she had chosen to do that. It's just inconsiderate. But unfortunately now she said she will come home later and so she is still at this guys place and i dont know when she will be home. I'm just so gripped by anxiety, feel ill, argh.  I did want to talk, but i dont want to have to wait hours before she gets here to do it.


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## apartment7 (Aug 25, 2007)

Sparkle motion said:


> *I very calmly* told her that id like her to come home so we can talk (about taking a break). So dumb. I should have waited till she actually got home, ive just been thinking about this all day and then well, this evening was disappointed that she had chosen to do that. It's just inconsiderate. But unfortunately now she said she will come home later and so she is still at this guys place and i dont know when she will be home. I'm just so gripped by anxiety, feel ill, argh.  I did want to talk, but i dont want to have to wait hours before she gets here to do it.


You've done the right thing mate.

The fact that you're so calm about it shows you're a decent guy. A lot of men, me included, would've gone into a jealous rage by now and probably said all kinds of hateful things towards her. My cynical side actually thinks this is what she wants you to do. Some people cannot end a relationship so give the other person enough excuses to do it for them. I can only assume this is what's happening here, unpleasant as that may sound to you.

You clearly don't want an open relationship, she knows that. To carry on doing what she's doing is cruel, cowardly and damaging. I'm sure she's a wonderful person to you but you deserve better than to be treated like that. Also you know she isn't going to respect you for being her doormat so it is time to draw a line, no easy way to do it other than what you are doing, facing her about it.

My advice, acknowledge that you love her and that she is going to be a massive part of you for a long time but end things for now. If you do that in a loving way and don't get into any arguments then you could pick up the relationship further down the line when she's matured a little. By then you may have met someone else and changed your view of her, who knows.

Just talk to her later, don't get dragged into any mud slinging and talk from a truthful honest place and it can't go wrong.


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## LALoner (Dec 3, 2008)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder

Proposed DSM III-R
Self-defeating personality disorder is:

A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him, as indicated by at least five of the following:
chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write his or her own
is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.
C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed.

---

A possible explanation?


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Sparkle motion said:


> Well i made the stupidest decision and now i feel absolutely horrible. I arrived home this evening from work - she wasn't here (it was like 6pm). She had something on today from 3-4 but could have made it home before 6. Instead she stopped by the other guys place and was having a drink there when she finally called me back today, after id called her a few times a few hours a part. By this time i was at home from work and disappointed she wasn't here. My first instinct was paranoia - that she was with the other guy - and then when i found out she was - and that she was so cool about it - like just expecting that i wouldnt bat an eyelid. I very calmly told her that id like her to come home so we can talk (about taking a break). So dumb. I should have waited till she actually got home, ive just been thinking about this all day and then well, this evening was disappointed that she had chosen to do that. It's just inconsiderate. But unfortunately now she said she will come home later and so she is still at this guys place and i dont know when she will be home. I'm just so gripped by anxiety, feel ill, argh.  I did want to talk, but i dont want to have to wait hours before she gets here to do it.


I have to admit I'm pretty shocked by her behavior and constant lack of regard for your feelings&#8230;.She's blatantly disrespecting you here. You asked her to come home so you can talk to her about something important, and she's putting her time with the other guy first.

Don't feel dumb at all for asking her to come home. You have every right to feel the way you feel. Frankly, I find her behavior to be disgusting. If I knew that my BF wanted to talk to me about something important, there would be no way that I'd put having drinks with some other dude above that. The way she's treating you is just not right.

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious.  I know what a tough position you're in now and how hard it must be, but you are doing the right thing by asking her for a break.

I hope that you don't let her sweet talk you into staying with her so she can continue to take advantage of you. You really do deserve better than what she's giving you right now.

Best of luck :squeeze


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

Sparkle motion said:


> The worst time for me is when I am alone with my thoughts, sitting at my desk at work, travelling on the train, sitting at home waiting her to come back from that guys place or just because she has gone to his house for the night and plans to stay until the following afternoon (she has insomnia so sometime she wont be awake til late arvo).
> 
> It's these times that I struggle with invasive thoughts - picturing what they are doing, having fun together - but also running through like a slideshow of all the things I miss about our relationship - what it was - her being there to give me a hug and a kiss when I get home from work (and then thinking, well she does this with that guy now), just this beautiful exclusivity of being totally comitted to someone emotionally, physically. It was so romantic and beautiful to me....
> 
> ...


SM, the length is fine. It's important to get all the details out when you're feeling blue, especially when the heart's at stake.

I've been in this exact same place before and the way I handled it was treating it as a way to flirt with my partner. As a matter of experience, it's important while you're young to not commit to someone who you don't know all their values about. I mean we don't live in a day and age where we have to take personality risks as much. We can find better chemistry because people are so much more connected. Also, note the age difference as well as her actual age. She's going to behave a bit more immaturely than you, so perhaps you've taken her too seriously?

Thankfully, the best case scenario happened with me. We ended up swinging a lot, having some threesomes and foursomes, and eventually, we broke up as a matter of mutual understanding because it turned out our future life goal expectations were not on the same page. We had different opinions on housing, parenting, finances, etc., and those are concepts which are very important to establishing a pleasant and sustainable relationship.

When you're having invasive thoughts, look for other girls. Even if it makes you feel sick, look for someone to talk to and share your history and feelings with in real life. Not only does that give you a chance do bare your soul, but it also gives you a chance to connect with other people. Read her body language, and if you're ever comfortable going open, maybe you can even hook up with someone on the fly. There are few things more exhilarating than that imo, and it's a great way to sweat anxiety out.

If there's anything specific you want to talk about, I'm all ears. I should mention that I've also hedged my bets in the past as well, breaking up with girls in anticipation of this. You see they're growing and loosening up. It sucks letting go, but honestly, the recovery is a lot faster and easier.


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

lonelyjew said:


> Something to keep in mind
> 
> Kubler-Ross model


Fkkkkkkkkkkkk that.

After I heard about that for the first time, I felt like all people are supposed to be pieces of sh1t without any dignity at all. Not worth it. It's good for people who are already depressed and wondering if they're pathetic such that they don't feel abnormal, but if you're honestly (which is very important despite how it seems to be the case most of the time) not depressed, do not relegate yourself to that perspective. Have some pride that you're not emotionally sunk.

If you are depressed though, it isn't a model to be aspired for. It's a worst case tolerable scenario, not something to be relished in. It should be pushed beyond ASAP.


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

au Lait said:


> I have to admit I'm pretty shocked by her behavior and constant lack of regard for your feelings&#8230;.


Really? I mean she's 20. :sus

That's not exactly the age of female commitment.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

That's right. If she wants to be in an open relationship, you can find a girl who doesn't want one of those.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Something that may have been mentioned, but if it hasn't, is that you're damaging yourself by participating in this situation. Damage in the sense of perpetuatinf a pattern of disregarding your needs in favor of someone elses. That's not nice or considerate, it's something else.

Related, if you do wait her out and she lets this other guy go in a week or a year, you've taught her that you have no boundaries regarding what's aceeptable to you. You may have her back, but I wouldn't expect that things would work any better with this dynamic cemented into the relationship.

And by the way, I think all of this applies regardless of age, sex, the issue involved, or any other consideration. If person A wants something significant that person B doesn't want, person B is a fool (IMO) to accept it.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

^what he said. 

I read this thread when it first appeared, and my first thought was, 

she wants one thing.

you want something completely different. HOw could that ever possibly work out?

I know you're probably not ready to hear most of this right now, but seriously, i see nothing but disaster written all over this for you. 

Suppressing what you really want for the sake of others leads to misery.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Daktoria said:


> Really? I mean she's 20. :sus
> 
> That's not exactly the age of female commitment.


I'm shocked that she would treat someone she loves that way. I never would have treated someone like that when I was 20. I don't think age has anything to do with whether or not someone is a good person.

Plus, there are plenty of 20 year olds that are mature and ready for commitment.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

au Lait said:


> I'm shocked that she would treat someone she loves that way. I never would have treated someone like that when I was 20. I don't think age has anything to do with whether or not someone is as good person.


I was thinking the same. Although admittedly there are many people around my age who just aren't ready for committed, monogamous relationships, I don't think her age is all that important here. 20 is perfectly old enough to behave in a considerate way.

Sparkle, I'm so sorry you're going through this. After reading your posts (and they were painful to read even though I'm not the one experiencing this), I really feel as though you're desperately trying to hang onto something that's already broken. From the sounds of it, she's not willing to relinquish acting upon her feelings for this other guy - and even if she did stop, could it really ever be the same again? Constantly feeling the hurt and anxiety you must be experiencing is just no healthy way to live, and as much as you might want to stay with her, can you really picture having a happy relationship with things the way they are? It sounds as though it's all going her way right now, and for your own sanity you need to start putting your feelings and your needs into perspective too.

I really hope the talk with her achieves something. I would also say that, whilst she is at least being honest with you about her feelings (although they're obviously not welcome feelings...), her general behaviour regarding the issue, particularly providing you with ultimatums and refusing to come home when you say you have important things to discuss, are plain disrespectful. That's just not on.

But... as obviously it's up to you what you decide to do, all the best for the future whatever happens.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

Daktoria said:


> Really? I mean she's 20. :sus
> 
> That's not exactly the age of female commitment.


So what. If she's not ready for the commtment that's one thing, but she has a complete disregard for his feelings. That is not characteristic of a 20 year old. I'm 21, and I would never treat someone like that, especially my boyfriend. And I've been with him since I was 19.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

If you aren't happy with the idea of an open relationship then the relationship can't continue. People often say they want things like this instead of being honest that they dont want you anymore. I know you may still have feelings for her and I can understand what your going through, when you are being made to bend over backwards by someone.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

Thanks again for all the replies.

They're hard to read but it's good to share these thoughts with people.

Soooooooooo, I'm still stuck in limbo - sort of, well. 

I think intellectually it is more and more obvious to me that I need to separate myself from this situation - she isn't willing to help or care for me when I'm really down - because of her conflict in feelings - that's not good enough - and it's not real love. Real lovers don't sit by why their partners are crying themselves to sleep you know? but I really don't know how to go about it?

I don't have the ready and waiting list of other people I want to be with - so us 'taking a break' really just equates to me spending more time alone in my house.

I dunno, it's just - I have to reprogram my brain? It's hard switching off my love for her, I just keep wanting to try and make things better because I miss enjoying time with her so much. But people are right, it's self-sabotage I know that. It's just - it's hard to control - I never want our relationship to end, because I never want to lose this person I love so much from my life - even if we're not together.

I'm just going to try and move on. I've tried this before already and it didn't take long before I caved into my deep-held desire to be with her and grow old together, and all that romantic stuff we used to share with one another unproblematically.

Okay, I don't really know what this means - but I'm going to try to shut out all this crap - this guy - how it makes me feel - all of it - I dont want to be led on and dumped, and I don't want to continue putting up with the humilitation of being told by someone you love, that they love you, care about you - but then in the next breath or moment just disregard your feelings. And the saddest thing for me is that she doesn't understand or see it really - she views the 'problem' as essentially my behaviour - my emotional needs - to her 'demands'.

This is not the person I fell in love with.

I guess that means she isn't - i.e. she doesn't love me anymore, not like she did anyway - because I just am shocked sometimes by her attitude and approach - she seems a completely different person in so many ways.

Anyway... like I said - I'm going to try to move on with things now, stop thinking about her as my partner - I guess she has told me plainly by her actions that we are not 'partners' in that sense - a couple - and try to find some happiness again - because I totally lose the plot. It would be easier if I had more people around me that I wanted to spend time with etc. but I guess that will come with time.

Still, I need some cheering up - I feel like i'm going back out in the world from square one.In a loving comitted relationship? Nope. Got many good friends? Nope.

Err, okay!!!

I'm just blown away by how quickly things changed you know?

Anyway, I'm not going to get anywhere better by dwelling on the negatives I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments - it really has been invaluable - thank you.


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## Sparkle motion (Nov 4, 2010)

au Lait said:


> I have to admit I'm pretty shocked by her behavior and constant lack of regard for your feelings&#8230;.She's blatantly disrespecting you here. You asked her to come home so you can talk to her about something important, and she's putting her time with the other guy first.
> 
> Don't feel dumb at all for asking her to come home. You have every right to feel the way you feel. Frankly, I find her behavior to be disgusting. If I knew that my BF wanted to talk to me about something important, there would be no way that I'd put having drinks with some other dude above that. The way she's treating you is just not right.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your kind words of support 



Daktoria said:


> I've been in this exact same place before and the way I handled it was treating it as a way to flirt with my partner.


What do you mean you dealt with (your partner wanting an open relationship) by flirting with them? How does that help I don't understand.



> As a matter of experience, it's important while you're young to not commit to someone who you don't know all their values about. I mean we don't live in a day and age where we have to take personality risks as much. We can find better chemistry because people are so much more connected. Also, note the age difference as well as her actual age. She's going to behave a bit more immaturely than you, so perhaps you've taken her too seriously?


Maybe, but I did 'know her'- when we met she certainly didn't want an open relationship (quite the opposite) - it wasn't a part of her view of relationships. I understand your point, but we have/had great chemistry - I think she changed, what she wanted changed - and I wasn't that anymore.

And yeah, that's a huge kick in the teeth.



> If there's anything specific you want to talk about, I'm all ears. I should mention that I've also hedged my bets in the past as well, breaking up with girls in anticipation of this. You see they're growing and loosening up. It sucks letting go, but honestly, the recovery is a lot faster and easier.


Thanks.


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## 2shyforwords (Jun 18, 2010)

Your girlfriend is the devil.


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## ready (Sep 2, 2009)

Yeah, a real nasty one. Inconsiderate and immature. Get rid of her fast and move on. What is she going to do if things between you two get tough again further down the road? Find someone who actually cares, not someone who is taking advantage of you. This is not love.


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## gingerlion (Aug 30, 2013)

ditch her, keep your cool, maintain control. It will feel good very quickly. Your confidence will come back like a bullet. Plus you will meet someone else as your so young. You will meet someone so much better than that, someone that will make you feel good about yourself. you'll be kicking yourself you even let it go as far as you did.


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## gingerlion (Aug 30, 2013)

oh its been a while lol. what did you do?


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

OP has long thus abandoned the sight 

but if i had to guess, i would guess it did not end well


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

I didn't read it all. Read about half. Sounds like a horrible situation for you. Like you love her but she just doesn't feel the same way and you're allowing yourself to be a cuckold because you can't bear breaking up. Sorry if that stings but that's what I got from it. That's not healthy for your sense of worth at all. You know you need to break up.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Just realised how old this thread was.


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## karenw (Aug 20, 2012)

It sounds terrible, any open relationship would surely end in tears, for a person with SA that's even worse, get rid it's very unfair to you, and for it to be your friend as well she's evil, sorry for the harsh words, but I'm just thinking of your health in the long run if this relationship was to continue.


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