# This girl is doing everything to avoid me and it's hurting my feelings



## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

She's a work colleague, we used to talk a lot, she used to like me but for some reason it all changed and now she does the bare minimum to be polite and basically runs from me. I feel so snubbed. I want to talk to her and she acts like she hates every second of it. It wasn't always like this. I know she has a boyfriend and I'm not hitting on her or being sleazy, I want a friend. I know I should avoid her because she doesn't respect me but I can't. I'm like a moth to a flame. This is affecting me way too much. Why can't I forget her? Why does she have to treat me like this when she used to like talking to me? I just don't get how she thinks it's OK to be cruel.


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## Hikikomori2014 (Sep 8, 2014)

When in doubt, talk about it.

Approach her and just express your feelings.
Ask her if there was something you did, causing her to shun you.


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## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

I want to but don't really get the chance. I'll try


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## scooby (Jun 24, 2009)

Do you have any idea why she changed? Maybe she has gotten the idea that you are into her rather than just trying to be her friend, and that caused her to try and distance herself from you. No idea, but yeah you'll probably need to ask directly, and clear up your intentions if she has the wrong idea. Or if not, try your best to just move on even though its hard.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Try backing off for a few weeks and see what happens.


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## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

scooby said:


> Do you have any idea why she changed? Maybe she has gotten the idea that you are into her rather than just trying to be her friend, and that caused her to try and distance herself from you.


I think that is what's happened, because I was into her. I think we can still be friends but she evidently thinks we can't. I don't get it. Is she scared I'm going to ask her out. And what would be the harm if I did? She would just have to say No. I'm not going to. But I don't get why she has to be cold to me for the "crime" of me liking her.



TicklemeRingo said:


> Try backing off for a few weeks and see what happens.


Everything logical in my brain is telling me I should, but then I see her laughing and joking with everyone else and it's like a punch in the gut and I feel compelled to go and talk to her and then saddened when she acts cold. I'm stuck in a rut.

I try and remind myself there's loads of people she doesn't talk to. But she used to talk to me so it's like she gave me a gift so she could take it away again. That's the part that's hard for me. If she was never nice to me in the first place I never would have even liked her and I wouldn't be trying to talk to her and I'd be happy.


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

jongle said:


> I know she has a boyfriend and I'm not hitting on her or being sleazy, I want a friend.





jongle said:


> I think that is what's happened, because I was into her. I think we can still be friends but she evidently thinks we can't. I don't get it. Is she scared I'm going to ask her out. And what would be the harm if I did? She would just have to say No. I'm not going to. But I don't get why she has to be cold to me for the "crime" of me liking her.


*IF* she knows you're into her, and *IF* she's involved in a faithful and loving relationship, then it seems as though barriers appearing would be natural once it became apparent that you wanted more than friendship. It might be hard to go backwards at this point, unfortunately.


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## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

I kind of get that the barriers are natural but I don't understand why they're necessary. 

Is it so she can avoid getting involved with me? Or just so she can be seen to be avoiding getting involved with me? 

Because there's nothing I can do to end her relationship, it's all up to her. I'm a shy guy, I don't touch her, I don't say lewd things, there's literally nothing I would do that would be considered inappropriate. What kind of crappy boyfriend would not want her to have new friends?


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

jongle said:


> I kind of get that the barriers are natural but I don't understand why they're necessary.
> 
> Is it so she can avoid getting involved with me? Or just so she can be seen to be avoiding getting involved with me?
> 
> Because there's nothing I can do to end her relationship, it's all up to her. I'm a shy guy, I don't touch her, I don't say lewd things, there's literally nothing I would do that would be considered inappropriate. What kind of crappy boyfriend would not want her to have new friends?


Perhaps knowing that you want more than friendship has lead her to question your motives. I'm not saying it's necessary but it might, for her and some others, be part of the natural thought process. If you constantly have to question someone's motives, perhaps the "safest" thing to do is just put some distance in place. To be honest, if I was in a relationship, I would expect those around me to respect the boundaries of that relationship.

As a final thought, if someone is willing to cheat on another person to be with you, they're quite possibly willing to cheat on you to be with someone else. Often (but not always), the ball continues to roll. Be careful going down that route


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## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

So to respect the boundaries of her relationship I have to stop talking to her? 

I wish she never spoke to me in the first place. I don't need this kind of false hope all the time that maybe I can have a friend then suddenly they change their mind like it was all a lie in the first place. 

I'd rather be a hermit, even though it can be so hard.


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

jongle said:


> So to respect the boundaries of her relationship I have to stop talking to her?
> 
> I wish she never spoke to me in the first place. I don't need this kind of false hope all the time that maybe I can have a friend then suddenly they change their mind like it was all a lie in the first place.
> 
> I'd rather be a hermit, even though it can be so hard.


Of course it's possible to have a platonic friendship. Try to be careful to send the "friend" message and not the "more than friend" message. I wouldn't stop chatting with people and trying to become friends. Just know that it's not always easy. You tried and that's really good. Don't go the hermit route. Just keep trying.


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## jongle (Jul 26, 2013)

Should I ask if I upset her like the first reply suggested? Or just try and avoid her for a while before I talk to her again?


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

jongle said:


> Should I ask if I upset her like the first reply suggested? Or just try and avoid her for a while before I talk to her again?


Personally, I would actually follow TicklemeRingo's advice ("Try backing off for a few weeks and see what happens.") She's being cordial and civil so there seems to be no urgent need. Get past the holidays, see what's going on, and go from there. The holidays alone can cause added stress for everyone involved.


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

scooby said:


> Do you have any idea why she changed? Maybe she has gotten the idea that you are into her rather than just trying to be her friend, and that caused her to try and distance herself from you. No idea, but yeah you'll probably need to ask directly, and clear up your intentions if she has the wrong idea. Or if not, try your best to just move on even though its hard.


or maybe she was starting to like the OP, and doesn't want to complicate or upset things ?????


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

B.itchez be crazy.


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## Chase926 (Sep 1, 2014)

Jongle, this is why I don't try to befriend females. Having male friends is a lot better.


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## i7swiftstance058 (Jul 22, 2012)

OP, keep us updated on your situation!


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

jongle said:


> So to respect the boundaries of her relationship I have to stop talking to her?
> 
> I wish she never spoke to me in the first place. I don't need this kind of false hope all the time that maybe I can have a friend then suddenly they change their mind like it was all a lie in the first place.
> 
> I'd rather be a hermit, even though it can be so hard.


You sound pretty desperate to have her as a friend. That's why she's pulling away from you. She can sense that you really want more than friendship.

You need to fix your life so you don't feel so needy and desperate. Stop talking to her. Make new friends, guy friends.

If you don't have a girlfriend and are not actively dating then having female friends is generally a bad idea. It's too hard not to be attracted to the only female in your life.


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## darkhoboelf (Mar 3, 2013)

jongle said:


> I want to but don't really get the chance. I'll try


I wouldn't do that.Never express your feelings.Just let it go and find someone else to talk to.Make new friends.


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## arao6 (Jul 12, 2013)

AngelClare said:


> You sound pretty desperate to have her as a friend. That's why she's pulling away from you. She can sense that you really want more than friendship.
> 
> You need to fix your life so you don't feel so needy and desperate. Stop talking to her. Make new friends, guy friends.
> 
> If you don't have a girlfriend and are not actively dating then having female friends is generally a bad idea. It's too hard not to be attracted to the only female in your life.


^ This. Couldn't have worded it better.


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## i7swiftstance058 (Jul 22, 2012)

OP, how is your situation? Does that mean the girl hates you as a person or doesn't like your personality?


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