# He told me it was pointless..



## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

..


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## Marakunda (Jun 7, 2011)

Very allowed to be upset, I'd say...

If you've been doing it for years and you enjoy it there's nothing wrong with it, everyone's got an opinion on things, but to call something "useless" when you know the person enjoys said hobby is pretty stupid, that in itself is more pointless if you ask me.

Your not being petty at all, especially if it's something your passionate about.


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

dump him


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I think I'd feel more sorry for him,that he's unable to understand the artistry involved. So many people value their photos above all other possessions-If there were a fire or other disaster I would save my photos of my family before ANYTHING else,they're the ONLY things I could never replace. Pointless? Not by a long shot!


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Tell him sex outside of procreation is pointless. 

See how it goes.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Why didn't you talk to him about it? One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is being honest with your feelings.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

TPower said:


> Tell him sex outside of procreation is pointless.
> 
> See how it goes.


Good point. :lol


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

What's wrong with having differing opinions in a relationship? We're still individuals and it's healthy. Instead of getting upset, tell him why it ISN'T pointless. Explain to him your point of view and accept his. 

If people are willing to pay for it it isn't pointless.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Kennnie said:


> dump him


Knee jerk reaction.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

That definitely sucks. It's your thing, something you obviously care about and his job would be to support that, not belittle it. Living with the guy makes it complicated but unfortunately talking to him, explaining how you felt is really the only option I see here and then go from there.


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## leave me alone (Apr 1, 2011)

Very insensitive of him to say the least..


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Photography is an art form...you're an artist. Far from pointless.


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

What an ***. It's okay to have different opinions, but it's an entirely different thing to blatantly disrespect your feelings and what you obviously value. He could say that he doesn't find photography valuable, but it's totally unfair to say that it's completely pointless and to put you down like that.


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

artandis said:


> What an ***. It's okay to have different opinions, but it's an entirely different thing to blatantly disrespect your feelings and what you obviously value. He could say that he doesn't find photography valuable, but it's totally unfair to say that it's completely pointless and to put you down like that.


she should dump him right?.....? total ******* move and theres more where thats gonna come from.:no

also a sign of insecurity for him to be putting you down like that.


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## Nefury (May 9, 2011)

Sorry to hear that Kel. I'm surprised that he would blurt this out after such a long time together lol. In my opinion you shouldn't need to defend yourself or photography in an argument with him. It defeats the purpose of understanding your partner altogether.

You've every right to be upset but I have no idea how you'd go about handling it


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

...............**** it you should just slap him the next time you see him. that was so mean of him to say


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

Kennnie said:


> she should dump him right?.....? total ******* move and theres more where thats gonna come from.:no
> 
> also a sign of insecurity for him to be putting you down like that.


I don't think that she should dump him right off the bat, but I would sit him down and tell him that it's NOT okay to say things like that. I would definitely be drawing some boundaries.


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

wrongnumber said:


> That's just semantic games. Whether he uses the words 'not valuable' or 'pointless' it means the same thing.
> 
> I can understand the OP would be deeply hurt. Other people's opinions sometimes do hurt but as long as there is respect for the differences it is tolerable. If he was trying to imply he doesn't appreciate photography, that's fine and you should respect that. But if he was implying anyone who appreciates photography is stupid, that conveys close mindedness and disrespect on his behalf, and is the real problem.


Right, see you focussed on the wrong part of what I meant. saying that HE PERSONALLY has little interest in photography and doesn't really care for it is fine. Making a general statement saying that it's completely pointless is different. One is meant to just state an opinion, while the latter (in my opinion) is pointedly insulting. But I agree with what you're saying.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

wrongnumber said:


> That's just semantic games. Whether he uses the words 'not valuable' or 'pointless' it means the same thing.
> 
> I can understand the OP would be deeply hurt. Other people's opinions sometimes do hurt but as long as there is respect for the differences it is tolerable. If he was trying to imply he doesn't appreciate photography, that's fine and you should respect that. But if he was implying anyone who appreciates photography is stupid, that conveys close mindedness and disrespect on his behalf, and is the real problem.


What I encounter and struggle with personally is my sense that it's unnecessary to offer an opinion. I'm imagining a scenario where it's clear that the OP is interested in photography. Knowing that labeling that interest as pointless will only hurt feelings, why offer that opinion at all, unless the point is to be hurtful?

I can't see where the boyfriends integrity is really at stake if he merely shuts tfu re his opinion on something near and dear to his GF.


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

TPower said:


> Tell him sex outside of procreation is pointless.
> 
> See how it goes.


That actually cheered me up, I may do that!! 



rymo said:


> Why didn't you talk to him about it? One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is being honest with your feelings.


I tried but he didn't understand, thought it was too trivial to be upset about it so I didn't say anything more on the subject and I grit my teeth.
In the end he made me believe I _was_ being irrational.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

You're not. 

Can you attempt to explain it by turning the tables? Take one of his passions, something he's actively involved in, and ask, "How would you feel if I told you this activity is totally pointless?" Maybe he's just unable to see both sides (sounds like it).


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

seafolly said:


> You're not.
> 
> Can you attempt to explain it by turning the tables? Take one of his passions, something he's actively involved in, and ask, "How would you feel if I told you this activity is totally pointless?" Maybe he's just unable to see both sides (sounds like it).


That's a good point. If he is into watching sports on TV....man...that's the most pointless hobby of them all.


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

Metal_Heart said:


> I'm a portrait photographer, it's been my hobby for years and years and now it's my career..
> While out for a walk in the park the other day my boyfriend of 2 years who I live with, told me photography was pointless... that nobody needs it.. so it's pointless.
> 
> He failed to see why I was upset by what he said so I kept my mouth shut and just carried on walking with him.
> ...


He sounds like a jerk, but how is he in general? Is he polite to you? If the woman I love thinks soccer, rugby and action movies are pointless, I would not mind that.


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## Dane (Jul 27, 2009)

Yes, you are allowed to be upset. You should let your boyfriend know too; it's important that he realizes how you feel and that his remarks were insensitive. 

I suppose there's no chance that he was affectionately teasing you?


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

If this is a one-time thing, it is something that needs to be talked out. Perhaps he has concerns that your not going to make it as a photographer if you haven't had much success yet? I'm just speculating. Regardless, it was a jerk thing to say. Sometimes men don't like to talk about things. They would rather just attack. 

Hopefully this isn't a pattern of behavior. If he has concerns, he should talk about them with you and not insult you (yes, I would take it as an insult as well)

Edit: I read one of your previous posts and see you've already been published? Congrats! I take back what I said. He was being a jerk, and should support your passion.


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

proximo20 said:


> He sounds like a jerk, but how is he in general? Is he polite to you? If the woman I love thinks soccer, rugby and action movies are pointless, I would not mind that.


Yes but soccor, rugby and action movies are not your career.. photography isn't just something I 'like'.. it's my career and everything about me. He's usually nice to me, and generous and kind... but now and again he'll say things like this and it makes me uncertain about myself.



Dane said:


> Yes, you are allowed to be upset. You should let your boyfriend know too; it's important that he realizes how you feel and that his remarks were insensitive.
> 
> I suppose there's no chance that he was affectionately teasing you?


No it definitely didn't seem that way.



kev said:


> If this is a one-time thing, it is something that needs to be talked out. Perhaps he has concerns that your not going to make it as a photographer if you haven't had much success yet? I'm just speculating. Regardless, it was a jerk thing to say. Sometimes men don't like to talk about things. They would rather just attack.
> 
> Hopefully this isn't a pattern of behavior. If he has concerns, he should talk about them with you and not insult you (yes, I would take it as an insult as well)
> 
> Edit: I read one of your previous posts and see you've already been published? Congrats! I take back what I said. He was being a jerk, and should support your passion.


Yes, I've been published a couple of times, I have a few more publications coming up and students I don't even know have asked me permission to do presentations and reports on my work this year... so It shouldn't be concerns about success.. I've done pretty well for myself so far already. In fact, he didn't even bother reading my latest publication.. and doesn't ever ask to see the results from my shoots =/


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Since it's your career I think it's important that you find someone who will be supportive of that. Photography for me is a "for now" career but for you, you may wish to be in the industry your entire life.


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## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

For him to have no interest in photography is fine. For him to say to you that your career and passion is pointless is... tactless at best. I don't have any right to tell you who you should and should not date, but the fact that he takes no interest in a huge part of your life is worrying to me. I don't understand why he doesn't even want to read your publications, just the fact that it's important to you should be enough.


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## Alluring prince (Apr 1, 2011)

TPower said:


> Tell him sex outside of procreation is pointless.
> 
> See how it goes.


This. Follow with, "Except with your hott friend, ____." Sure you'll look like a ****, but it's a better story to tell XD



rymo said:


> Why didn't you talk to him about it? One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is being honest with your feelings.


Also this.



Selbbin said:


> What's wrong with having differing opinions in a relationship? We're still individuals and it's healthy. Instead of getting upset, tell him why it ISN'T pointless. Explain to him your point of view and accept his.


And this. I've learned that Brits are more reserved than Americans, but I can't imagine guys there fantasize about a girlfriend who keeps shut about how she feels all the time. You know how guys should be gentler with women (outside the bedroom)? It's the opposite here; think of how you would deal with a similar matter with your girlfriends, then go more blunt.


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## Knowbody (Jul 5, 2011)

dump him and find another photography/artist to date


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Atticus said:


> I'm imagining a scenario where it's clear that the OP is interested in photography. Knowing that labeling that interest as pointless will only hurt feelings, why offer that opinion at all, unless the point is to be hurtful?


Agree 100%. It's how she makes her living, so in a sense it's like saying what she has devoted her life to is pointless. That is a pretty cruel thing to say, no matter how you look at it.



Metal_Heart said:


> am I allowed to be upset by this?


Absolutely.

He made a negative comment about something he knows is important to you. Mutual respect is a crucial ingredient in any relationship, and that respect should extend to hobbies and various interests relating to one's partner. He doesn't have to like or "get" everything you do. Two people who are in a relationship don't have to share all of the same likes and dislikes. But he damn well should be respectful when talking to you about it. Because it's not so much how he feels about photography, but that he cares so little for your feelings that he would dump on something that's meaningful to you.



Metal_Heart said:


> now and again he'll say things like this and it makes me uncertain about myself.


Don't question yourself. Question the relationship and whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Knowbody said:


> dump him and find another photography/artist to date


That's terrible advice. Dump someone over such a small thing? One where they have the opportunity to share why something is important? He was comfortable enough to state his honest opinion, and that should be respected. It was tactless, but we're not perfect. he made a mistake and she should simply tell him that. None of us would ever be in any relationships if we dumped someone over a single disagreement.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

From the majority of the relationship advice given on here it comes as no surprise that most people on SAS have such awful love lives.


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## Knowbody (Jul 5, 2011)

Selbbin said:


> That's terrible advice. Dump someone over such a small thing? One where they have the opportunity to share why something is important? He was comfortable enough to state his honest opinion, and that should be respected. It was tactless, but we're not perfect. he made a mistake and she should simply tell him that. None of us would ever be in any relationships if we dumped someone over a single disagreement.


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## Lyrical Lonely (Oct 5, 2011)

Metal_Heart said:


> I'm a portrait photographer, it's been my hobby for years and years and now it's my career..
> While out for a walk in the park the other day my boyfriend of 2 years who I live with, told me photography was pointless... that nobody needs it.. so it's pointless.
> 
> He failed to see why I was upset by what he said so I kept my mouth shut and just carried on walking with him.
> ...


Wow, that sucks. =/ Tell him how hurt you are by it. *hug* He should be more understanding of your passion.


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## Cynical (Aug 23, 2011)

you're allowed to it was pretty rude of him to say that specially to your face...


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Knowbody said:


>


I disagreed. How mature of you.


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## Alluring prince (Apr 1, 2011)

seafolly said:


> You're not.
> Can you attempt to explain it by turning the tables? Take one of his passions, something he's actively involved in, and ask, "How would you feel if I told you this activity is totally pointless?" Maybe he's just unable to see both sides (sounds like it).





proximo20 said:


> He sounds like a jerk, but how is he in general? Is he polite to you?


I missed some posts first read, I think. The first part I'm quoting sounds like good advice, and I'm curious about the topic of the second.

Partly in the boyfriend's defense, my impression of Brits is that they rub off as cold relative to Americans and Canadians, so what he did probably wouldn't be considered quite as rude there.



komorikun said:


> That's a good point. If he is into watching sports on TV....man...that's the most pointless hobby of them all.


Hey!:wife


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

Metal_Heart said:


> photography was pointless... that nobody needs it.. so it's pointless.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I agree with him, photography is quite pointless...


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

andy1984 said:


> I agree with him, photography is quite pointless...


If it weren't for photographs, then we wouldn't be able to see things that we might never see in person (I'll probably never travel to Antarctica, but I can look at photos of it). It's also a way to remember things that no longer exist, loved ones who have passed on, milestone events...the list goes on.

I think photography is extremely important.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Metal_Heart said:


> I'm a portrait photographer, it's been my hobby for years and years and now it's my career..
> While out for a walk in the park the other day my boyfriend of 2 years who I live with, told me photography was pointless... that nobody needs it.. so it's pointless.
> 
> He failed to see why I was upset by what he said so I kept my mouth shut and just carried on walking with him.
> ...


First, let me start out by saying that I looked through your website, and that considering that you're only 22, and you're already getting professional work, and churning out photos of the quality in your portfolio, you should be proud! I'm just a hobbyist, but I can recognize great portraiture; you really have a lot of talent.

As for your boyfriend, why did he say it was pointless and that nobody needed it? Without photography, there couldn't have been videography, and cinema. Without photography, people couldn't see what things actually looked like without having them right in front of their eyes. Without photography, there couldn't be a truly accurate way to visually record the past, as it actually was. Photography can show the world at it's most beautiful through a scenic landscape, making us desire to move beyond our own horizons. It can show us the horrors of war, depicting famine and war, and prompt us to take action to make the world better. It can expose us to new cultures, broadening our personal viewpoints.

Going more technical, photography is used in science, to capture an objective moment in time, and use it to get data. Things like a person's gait (walking pattern) certainly could not be accurately visualized without still images, captured midwalk. High speed photography allows us to capture moments which are too brief for the eye to catch, things we otherwise wouldn't be able to really know were there. Photography also exposes hidden details of things to us, which we otherwise might not have been able to see, and also provide a permanent image to allow further study, for instance one of my professors showed us a photo from his research lab, which captured how calcium moved inside a microscopic muscle cell. Photography of this sort is huge in the development for new treatments and for diseases. Photography is also what allows us to see what the universe around us actually looks like, and what it's made of with telescopes.

I could go on and on, but I'll mention one more thing, the importance of photography in law. Photography is used to record crimes, and bring criminals to justice. I imagine that actually seeing a crime seen, or what a criminal actually did to someone are hugely important in helping juries properly serve out justice. Photography also allows for investigators to capture crimes in the moment, or to link criminals together if they're seen together.

That's not even getting into the art aspects of it by the way, which are also clearly important. Ask him for me, what is the point of music, or movies, or paintings, or comedy, or any of a number of other things, because I'm curious to see if he's really as ignorant he seems.


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## Misanthropic79 (May 6, 2011)

Wow, he sounds like a real catch! It's cool to have differing opinions but completely dismissing a hobby/passion that harms no one and that's really important to you makes him an a**hole.


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

andy1984 said:


> I agree with him, photography is quite pointless...


I think you are _missing the point_ of this thread.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

You have some real talent for people photography. I wish I was half that good.


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## Dane (Jul 27, 2009)

I was thinking about it a little more, it occurred to me that your boyfriend could be jealous of your talent or feels threatened by it. 

Is your boyfriend good at what he does in work or school? Does he practice any skill or art that perhaps he isn't as successfull in as you are in photography?


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

Dane said:


> I was thinking about it a little more, it occurred to me that your boyfriend could be jealous of your talent or feels threatened by it.
> 
> Is your boyfriend good at what he does in work or school? Does he practice any skill or art that perhaps he isn't as successfull in as you are in photography?


He has a very highly paid job, he graduated university etc. he's more accomplished than me. He does not like art however, he's not creative at all.


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## Dane (Jul 27, 2009)

If your boyfriend has no artistic sense, perhaps it peeves him that other people put a high value on photographs that appear to be no different than snap-shots to him.
Being unable to appreciate art, he might believe that it's all a lot of rubbish, people making a big deal over nothing.

Or perhaps he realizes that art does have intrinsic value, but feels a bit insecure because even though he is more accomplished over all, you have so much more sensitivity and ability in this field than he does.

It seems to me that the second possibility would be more likely to induce him to make a mean comment to "cut you down to size" and patch up his own ego.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Metal_Heart said:


> I think you are _missing the point_ of this thread.


so you have different values and he upset you but didn't try to make you feel better, or didn't realize you were upset. - if that's a dealbreaker for you then break up. it doesn't seem to me like it would be that bad of a difference.

i thought this kind of thing happens all the time in relationships. i know from my one relationship that it happened now and then.

sorry if i'm socially 'tarded. if someone says something like what you wrote, what am i meant to say? just something comforting about disagreements being normal? or am i meant to take your side? i know relationships can be scary... you invest a lot into them. so its natural to be worried or to want to talk about it. i don't think i can really give any advice though - i don't know you, your situation, or what your relationship is like.


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