# Guy being really clingy when I haven't even met him or gone on our first date yet?



## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

This guy I met online from my area is started to get kind of creepy and REALLY clingy very quickly. The thing is I haven't even MET him yet. I started messaging him a couple of weeks ago and we seemed to hit it off at first. I really liked him and when he asked me out I was super happy and excited to be able to see him. 

This is my first official date and potential first boyfriend, and even though I want to start dating I don't want to just start dating any guy for the sake of dating someone. By clingy I mean he's starting to text me constantly, like every second of the day! He also sends me tons and tons of posts about how, "it would kill him to see me with anyone other than him" and all of this stuff about, "the future" and how, "we're meant to be" :/ 

He even started planning a trip for the two of us in the summer! It's starting to really worry me because I don't even know if I really like him since I've never seen him in real life before- hell I've never even spoken on the phone with him yet! It all just seems way, way too fast for me especially considering that I've been single practically my whole life and this will be my first date/potential relationship. He's acting like we're already dating and gets really possessive of me. 

If it's like this when we're not even in a relationship yet I can't imagine how bad it'll be if we actually do start dating. I really do like him though, I'm just not sure what will happen if I don't wanna keep seeing him after our first date/meeting. I've been messaging other guys and plan on meeting other people too since I'm still in the "first date" stage and am trying to get a feel on who I like the most and have the best connection with before I become exclusive with just one person. 

So the problem is that I don't want to get too involved with one guy too quickly, like I'm starting to with this really clingy guy. I think he'll be really heartbroken if I chose not to see him after the first date and I really don't want to do that to him. I would really appreciate some advice.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@lonerforlife908

That's common for starting a relationship online. You might feel different in real life when you meet him and see how he behaves.

There is no way to let him down gently, so could use the "friends" line or similar if you click personality wise?

Online is more personality, so it seems you click on that level.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Oh boy. Might be a whack job. Don't let him know where you live or work.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

It just weirding me out because it seems like he's posting all these juvenile and kiddish posts about how "he would die if I went with someone else" like really?!?!? DIE? WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET? It seems very creepy and obsessive to me. Should I even meet up with him anymore? I'm starting to get kind of scared of this whole situation. 

I'm an extremely introverted person and I'm not used to texting someone all day everyday. So when he texts me every second saying stuff like,"am I annoying or bothering you?" it stresses me out because I really need time alone away from my phone. I feel like I'm just so used to being single at this point that I'll never be good enough to be in a relationship or dating because of how independent I am. Most people don't understand that it's not that I don't like them, it's just that I'm very used to being on my own that I kind of really suck at keeping in touch with people. Especially on a day to day basis.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeah this is worrying. Him being so vocal about it killing him to see you with someone else, before you've even met isn't a red flag, it's a red tarp. I'd distance myself personally.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

AussiePea said:


> Yeah this is worrying. Him being so vocal about it killing him to see you with someone else, before you've even met isn't a red flag, it's a red tarp. I'd distance myself personally.


So do you think I should even bother with meeting up with him? I'd feel really bad because I already said I would go out on a first date with him, but we didn't actually finalize any real or official details about when or where we were going to meet up. Should I just suck it up and go on the first date when I can already tell this won't be going anywhere or should I tell him I don't think it's going to work out before I even meet with him? I'm really nervous because I have a feeling it's going to be terribly awkward and creepy meeting with him :/


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@lonerforlife908

Follow your gut instinct, if it feels wrong, feel scared, move on. You should feel comfortable, safe in a relationship, not scared.

Just be prepared for the backlash if you tell him. If like you say he is, that will come next.

Look for someone much like yourself that has their own life and meet, talk once and a while.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

ANX1 said:


> @lonerforlife908
> 
> Follow your gut instinct, if it feels wrong, feel scared, move on. You should feel comfortable, safe in a relationship, not scared.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the advice!  The backlash is what's worrying me the most, but at least if I tell him early on it's better that he knows sooner rather than later.


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## rockyraccoon (Dec 13, 2010)

This guy sounds like trouble. I think you should sever all communication with him. You haven't even met and he is already acting like you guys are in a relationship. And don't feel bad for not seeing him; your health and safety are more important.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

@*lonerforlife908*

You're welcome. 

Try distancing yourself by contacting less and less, being more busy (actually be busy), etc.


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## meatcollector (Oct 30, 2016)

He must be a SAS user


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## Overdrive (Sep 19, 2015)

AussiePea said:


> Yeah this is worrying. Him being so vocal about it killing him to see you with someone else, before you've even met isn't a red flag, it's a red tarp. I'd distance myself personally.


This right here


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

Yeah those are just huge, huge red flags. It's only been a few weeks, you've never even spoken on the phone. Fwiw, I was crushing on a woman I worked with not long ago and kind of had something similar happen to me. Not exactly but similar in some ways. I'd been flirting with her since we met, and she was flirting back with me, it most def went both ways. And I might have gotten a little too flirtatious with her, I sent her a text one day during a staff meeting, and this is after we'd been flirting back and forth for a couple of months, but I said "You look really nice today, you're wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor"...and she texted me back with "I know", and we went back and forth. And she turned out to be a little bit of a wingnut.

A few days after that she started texting me three, four times a day, sometimes more. She actually asked me out. Yeah, my crush asked me out so I was pretty blown away by that. But then she started asking reeeally personal questions and started getting really judgmental and controlling and I could tell after a few messages she sent me it was never going to work out. For one thing she went from being flirtatious like we had been for months, to being very serious all of a sudden. So I started by creating some distance between us, taking longer to answer her texts, but they just kept coming. I actually asked for advice on this site as to how to handle the whole thing, I started a thread about it just to get some opinions.

Anyways I decided it was best to tell her up front, just be honest, and choose my words very, very carefully but to tell her I just don't think I'm interested in seriously dating right now. And she just went crazy, she lost it. I still have the texts....20 from her within the first hour or hour and a half after I told her how I felt. So yeah I was upfront, I was totally honest with her and I told her as soon as I realized it wasn't going to work out, I didn't play any games with her at all. And she still went a bit crazy. If he won't take a hint I think you're going to have to be more and more blunt about it until he understands that you're not interested. I mean....unless you are interested. I'd just be very careful with a guy like that, there are a lot of red flags there. And if you get more into a dating relationship with a guy that seems controlling and takes things too fast it could get just that much worse as the relationship gets more serious. For sure, it's not going to get any easier to tell him how you feel, if you feel smothered by him. I'd speak up now.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

I'd cut him loose. Being all possessive, especially when you guys haven't even been on a date yet, is a huge red flag. Can possibly lead to an abusive relationship. 

Go on dates with the other guys you're talking to, and see where that leads you


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

AllTheSame said:


> Yeah those are just huge, huge red flags. It's only been a few weeks, you've never even spoken on the phone. Fwiw, I was crushing on a woman I worked with not long ago and kind of had something similar happen to me. Not exactly but similar in some ways. I'd been flirting with her since we met, and she was flirting back with me, it most def went both ways. And I might have gotten a little too flirtatious with her, I sent her a text one day during a staff meeting, and this is after we'd been flirting back and forth for a couple of months, but I said "You look really nice today, you're wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor"...and she texted me back with "I know", and we went back and forth. And she turned out to be a little bit of a wingnut.
> 
> A few days after that she started texting me three, four times a day, sometimes more. She actually asked me out. Yeah, my crush asked me out so I was pretty blown away by that. But then she started asking reeeally personal questions and started getting really judgmental and controlling and I could tell after a few messages she sent me it was never going to work out. For one thing she went from being flirtatious like we had been for months, to being very serious all of a sudden. So I started by creating some distance between us, taking longer to answer her texts, but they just kept coming. I actually asked for advice on this site as to how to handle the whole thing, I started a thread about it just to get some opinions.
> 
> Anyways I decided it was best to tell her up front, just be honest, and choose my words very, very carefully but to tell her I just don't think I'm interested in seriously dating right now. And she just went crazy, she lost it. I still have the texts....20 from her within the first hour or hour and a half after I told her how I felt. So yeah I was upfront, I was totally honest with her and I told her as soon as I realized it wasn't going to work out, I didn't play any games with her at all. And she still went a bit crazy. If he won't take a hint I think you're going to have to be more and more blunt about it until he understands that you're not interested. I mean....unless you are interested. I'd just be very careful with a guy like that, there are a lot of red flags there. And if you get more into a dating relationship with a guy that seems controlling and takes things too fast it could get just that much worse as the relationship gets more serious. For sure, it's not going to get any easier to tell him how you feel, if you feel smothered by him. I'd speak up now.


Wow, thank you so much for your VERY informative and helpful response!!! It's crazy to me how quickly some people can jump into relationships and become so obsessive over someone they hardly know and have never even met yet! Maybe I'm just not a very lovey dovey type of person like others seem to be but this all seems way too sudden for me.


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

He's probably been ghosted by other girls and thinks that by keeping your attention on him, even in a clingy way, will keep you from ghosting him. There are guys who don't understand girls too much, lol.


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Wow, thank you so much for your VERY informative and helpful response!!! It's crazy to me how quickly some people can jump into relationships and become so obsessive over someone they hardly know and have never even met yet! Maybe I'm just not a very lovey dovey type of person like others seem to be but this all seems way too sudden for me.


Welcome. I really think it's best to go with your gut instinct....when you get feelings like that most of the time you shouldn't ignore them. I tell my three teenage kids the same thing.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Don't risk meeting him and don't give out any personal information or contact details anymore. He can't be trusted, and you're not safe with someone like that. 

When you turn him down make sure you block him so you don't feel guilt tripped back into talking to him.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Gotta let the kid know how you feel.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

He sounds a bit crazy and a potential stalker but without knowing all the details it's hard to give a definitive answer. As others have said don't give out your addresses.


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## InTheWorldOfNiM (Oct 3, 2010)

meatcollector said:


> He must be a SAS user


nah, he seems too forward and kinda lacks social awareness. people on SAS are usually hyper aware of their behavior and how they come off to other people.


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## momentsunset (Nov 10, 2009)

Please don't date this guy. As someone who went ahead and dated 2 guys like this for years, they were the worst people to enter my life, and were very controlling and abusive.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Sounds like he's over-doing the romantic angle and being a drama queen. There are always two ways to portray any situation.

According to the time frame, it may actually be a predator who uses gender bias to dominate his partner and control the relationship. A lot of women are actually very into that sort of thing, and often stay in relationships like that for several years before they decide that they've had enough. As far as my research goes on the subject, it seems that many women somehow find the idea of being totally carefree (being controlled) and being spontaneous with their partner (being dominated) to be desirable in a relationship.

You seem to be quite a bit less emotionally dependent on a romantic relationship than most women are, so it is probably not a good idea to even explore this scenario, ever. A loner needs to have a less strict social connection and have more "me time" to do their own thing. Did you say how you met online? Through a dating site or social media? If you have a dating profile up, you might want to put something in there that says you like to have some space, or you're comfortable doing things on your own.
@AllTheSame, wow you made her wait months, then told her she couldn't have any?? Harsh dude. >


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

Well, as other people have said, he could be a dangerous, stalker type. But he also sounds like he could be an extremely inexperienced (maybe never had a girlfriend before), lonely guy who's thrilled to finally be getting some female attention, but is essentially harmless. I'd say go with your gut feeling. If I were you, I'd either schedule a date for pretty soon or tell him I'm not interested via text. Currently you're just being in this limbo mode where you don't know where you stand with him.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Explain to him that you're not comfortable with how attached he has gotten, when explaining that to him make sure you emphasise how innapropriate it is given the time span (a couple of weeks,) so that he'll hopefully realise that it's over the top (unless he's bat **** insane,) and then tbh I'd cut contact with him, but it sounds like you're not put off so... Definitely talk to him about this though and see how he reacts, and don't give him any contact information like your address or full name.


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## Carolyne (Sep 20, 2016)

That's terrifying. The more you message the deeper you're digging the hole and it's not like he's going to just stop if you tell him to stop, so I say ghost him.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

Explain your perspective to him and how you're just looking to date around. If he doesn't back off after that then you should consider cutting all contact with him. Sounds like he's not ready to be dating and has severe attachment issues.


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

@k wifler

Lmao. I'm actually pretty sure most guys would've done the same. She went from flirting back with me, calling me, me calling her, and talking occasionally.....to overly obsessive girlfriend. And we hadn't even gone out on a single date, hadn't even once seen each other outside of work.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Cut him off, don't even tell him anything. Just stop communicating with him.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

AllTheSame said:


> @k wifler
> 
> Lmao. I'm actually pretty sure most guys would've done the same. She went from flirting back with me, calling me, me calling her, and talking occasionally.....to overly obsessive girlfriend. And we hadn't even gone out on a single date, hadn't even once seen each other outside of work.


Ooh, who is that hottie? 
You holdin' out on me bro?


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

DO NOT break up with this guy before you've even dated.
I don't mean that you shouldn't quit communicating, I just mean, saying no is now an accepted form of "playing games" from women, and it just tempts controlling men to push harder and harder until he's stalking you and getting arrested trying to profess his love for you and all of that. The media has seriously romanticized obsessive behavior like that, best not to ask for it by telling him he's a creep and saying you just want to be friends. He'll take it as you "playing hard to get" most likely.


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

I agree, just stopping communicating with him altogether. He will probably annoyingly try guilt tripping you unendingly if you try to give an explanation.


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> Ooh, who is that hottie?
> You holdin' out on me bro?


Heh. I'll hook you two up if you want. She looks nothing like that (she used to be a stripper as a matter of fact lmao, something I didn't know about her until long after we'd decided this wasn't gonna work). But I'll be honest with you she may be more than you can handle. While she doesn't look like the girl in that meme, that's who I started to picture when she got too obsessive.

We (yes, both of us, as in "us") went from flirting, calling each other occasionally to her asking me out and texting me ten, fifteen times a day. I still have the texts, ffs.

Yeah she could've turned out to be a bunny boiler. She might be. No. No. No. Time to cut ties and move on and I'm so glad I did. I haven't talked to her in weeks, months.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

lonerforlife908 said:


> He also sends me tons and tons of posts about how, "it would kill him to see me with anyone other than him"


There's no possible excuse for this. He's trying to manipulate and guilt you by convincing you that his life depends on you already. Sounds like a guy who could make it very difficult to break up with him later, so best to get away quickly.

_I think he'll be really heartbroken if I chose not to see him after the first date and I really don't want to do that to him._

That's what he's clearly trying to manipulate you into feeling. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have laid that threat on you. But he's just saying it to manipulate and control you, so he'll be fine, nothing to worry about no matter how dramatically he may play his part.



k_wifler said:


> DO NOT break up with this guy before you've even dated.
> I don't mean that you shouldn't quit communicating, I just mean, saying no is now an accepted form of "playing games" from women, and it just tempts controlling men to push harder and harder until he's stalking you and getting arrested trying to profess his love for you and all of that.


In the same way women baring their ankles tempts men to rape, I guess. :roll A parting word is a nice courtesy, but one that can and should be dropped when the other party is manipulative enough or unstable enough to not accept a goodbye gracefully.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> DO NOT break up with this guy before you've even dated.
> I don't mean that you shouldn't quit communicating, I just mean, saying no is now an accepted form of "playing games" from women, and it just tempts controlling men to push harder and harder until he's stalking you and getting arrested trying to profess his love for you and all of that. The media has seriously romanticized obsessive behavior like that, best not to ask for it by telling him he's a creep and saying you just want to be friends. He'll take it as you "playing hard to get" most likely.


He's actually a really nice guy and I don't consider him a "creep" at all, but I do get a VERY desperate/clingy vibe from him. I would never call him a creep, I'm not that heartless. I know what it's like to have feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way back. It hurts. A LOT.

That being said when someone doesn't like me in the same way that I like them I know when to back off and stop thinking about that person for awhile. This is what guy I am dealing with is unaware of. It's as though he's slightly aware he may be annoying me (as he's admitted to before), but then he continues to cling and say over obsessive things. But Like I said, he does seem to be a VERY nice guy so I feel like a really terrible, mean person if I don't respond back to his feelings for me but I don't want to lead him on either :/ I really don't know what to do yet.


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## umakemebarf (Dec 7, 2015)

Yikes. If you actually want to meet you should plan to meet somewhere and don't let him know where you live. It could be different offline but I highly doubt it. Try not to lead his clinginess on, maybe he'll get the message.


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## Macros (Dec 11, 2016)

@lonerforlife908

Some people feel like they need a relationship to fill the 'void' in themselves. Coming from that world myself, I can vouch for that statement. However, regardless of that issue, in my humble opinion, if a guy is being too pushy, or isn't giving you enough space, it's generally a good idea to let him know that he's a really important friend to you, but he's sort of smothering you a bit just the same. Hopefully that gets the ball rolling in a sense of self-examination vs just him reacting self-consciously. But if it's the latter, it's a pretty clear sign he's not ready to be dating. (Not comfortable without your potential returned affection/the hope, which shows a sign of possible insecurity).


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> Sounds like he's over-doing the romantic angle and being a drama queen. There are always two ways to portray any situation.
> 
> According to the time frame, it may actually be a predator who uses gender bias to dominate his partner and control the relationship. A lot of women are actually very into that sort of thing, and often stay in relationships like that for several years before they decide that they've had enough. As far as my research goes on the subject, it seems that many women somehow find the idea of being totally carefree (being controlled) and being spontaneous with their partner (being dominated) to be desirable in a relationship.
> 
> ...


We met through social media, not on a dating site. We got to know each other a bit through text and then after a few weeks he asked me out. I'm a very emotionally independent person, so much so that I ALWAYS seem to find other people (especially guys) to be very clingy and dependent on me in a relationship.

I'm not a very touchy feely person, but I'm also not heartless either. I have romantic feelings for guys that I'm interested in, I just don't see the need for texting and communicating every single second of the day. ESPECIALLY this early when we've never even met before! It's so exhausting to me. I don't even text my best friends that I've known since I was a child this much! Hell I barely contact or text my family! I just don't see the need for daily contact no matter what type of relationship it may be(romantic, family, friends).

I'm also worried that he'll want to see me everyday or be around me every minute when I'm a very introverted person that is not used to that type of situation whatsoever. I only see my friends once or twice a month and even in the house I tend to like to stay in my room alone away from my siblings and parents. I don't hate people or anything, I am just extremely used to being alone. I don't even know how I would handle having to be close to someone every second of the day. Just the thought of it sounds exhausting to me.

I don't want to seem rude or unappreciative but if it's already starting to irk and annoy me at the very beginning of a potential relationship I don't know how mad he will be if we do decide to start seeing each other. I feel like I'll be letting him down because I can't measure up to how much he seems to care about me. If I miss or don't reply to ONE of his texts he gets mad at me and accuses me of "ignoring or feeling annoyed by him." It just seems like a lot of pressure to have put on me when we're not even a couple yet.


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## afeerah (Dec 10, 2016)

Well it is about your preference. But that is unhealthy for him, he needs therapy or else he will ruin the relationship. And sometimes it's a front to see if you will be clingy back (which if he doesn't like that he'll leave u) or he does it to finally get you to trust him, he uses you and disposed of you. Be careful.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

I just get upset when he gets insecure and keeps texting stuff like "am I annoying you" with a sad face every second. I keep reassuring him that he's not annoying me but it seems like he never believes me. I also feel kind of insecure because he keeps sending me weird stuff about how he can't wait to see if I look as good in person and stuff about my body when I've never even met him before. 

It makes me feel awkward and unsure of myself, and I already feel like I won't meet his expectations when we do see each other for the first time. I don't look different from the pictures I've posted online or anything but I do have a bit of acne and don't feel 100% secure in my body.

I've never even been in a real, official relationship before so for this to be causing me so much uncertainty and stress for the first meet up is worrying me a lot. I'm scared he'll want to rush into things when I haven't even had my first kiss yet. Should I tell him that? I'm very insecure that I haven't been with anyone before and have no sexual experience and I'm not sure if I'll be able to tell him that. Should I lie about it and hope he doesn't notice how awkward I am for the first kiss? I really want to take things slow, I don't even think I'm capable of doing anything more than just kissing for a few months.

This is already too much stress and anxiety for me, I don't know how I'll be able to meet up with him without feeling like I'm going to puke. I have had panic attacks in the past when meeting people and sometimes it gets so bad I'm not even able to meet up with them. I feel bad for putting off our first meet up but I'm so nervous.

Oh god, he's sending me more posts and texts. IT'S EVERY SECOND. Like as I type this he probably sent me like ten posts :/


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## Macros (Dec 11, 2016)

I'd take a deep breath first. Slowly (count to 10). 

Now, with relationships, you sometimes have to listen to your gut. I know it's your first one, so you're nervous (it's normal, by the way), and you may not feel comfortable with yourself (physically or otherwise), but it's important you recognize the difference between 'being interested in you' and 'creeping'. Based on this last post, i'd throw it more into the latter category. Pretty easily. It may not seem that way to you, because you're in the middle of it, but that's what i'm getting from it. 

Also, if he's causing you that much anxiety tonight, you could always just turn your phone off for a bit. It's certainly not healthy to let yourself get walked on by his selfish needs for validation.


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## Doodlebug (May 15, 2016)

> Please don't date this guy. As someone who went ahead and dated 2 guys like this for years, they were the worst people to enter my life, and were very controlling and abusive.


Seconded.

I'mma just leave this here, just in case, or for future reference. Idk. Be safe ;__; http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/#tab-id-5


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

What do you know about him already? What does he do for a job, do you know about his family, his past relationships, his friends, has he sent you any photos, did you ever talk on video chat? These kinds if things can help to ease doubts but obviously the earlier they are done the better because then you can let the other person down before they become too attached.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Hangdog said:


> Seconded.
> 
> I'mma just leave this here, just in case, or for future reference. Idk. Be safe ;__; http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/#tab-id-5


Thank you for the link, these two in particular really struck a chord with me:

"Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can't be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished."

"It is okay to turn off your phone. You have the right to be alone and spend time with friends and family without your partner getting angry.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> He's actually a really nice guy and I don't consider him a "creep" at all, but I do get a VERY desperate/clingy vibe from him. I would never call him a creep, I'm not that heartless. I know what it's like to have feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way back. It hurts. A LOT.


Your creepdar is broken. No one with common sense and good social judgement would put up with this. You're defending him here out of pity. And it looks like you're about to date him out of pity, and to appease him.

People like you end up learning everything the hard way.


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## Avaykn15943 (Dec 8, 2016)

Be careful! I was in the same predicament you are in when I was 21. First guy I dated, he was REALLY clingy, sent me texts that read "talk to me talk to me TALK TO MEEE!", quickly tried to get me into bed with him and once I did he dumped me and stopped answering my text messages all together! I was heart broken for a very long time. Extreme clingyness like that in the beginning is a red flag for sure.


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## Twilightforce (Aug 7, 2016)

I would probably ignore that piece of ****.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

He just sent me a text saying he hopes I'm not talking to other guys and how he hopes I don't meet someone else. How the hell do I respond to that?!?!? This is getting really weird and correct me if I'm wrong but don't people usually go a first dates with different people before they choose to become exclusive with just one person? Especially with online dating. Why do I feel wrong for not committing to only him when I shouldn't have to? 

We've only been texting each other for a couple of weeks!!! I've never even spoken on the phone or had a video chat with him! He seems like he's jealous of other guys when I keep telling him I'm not even talking to other guys! I don't understand why he's acting like I'm cheating on him already when we're not even dating. I feel like I always get the really clingy and desperate guys :/


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Honestly, you need to confront him now (via text). Tell him straight up that you don't appreciate him telling you what you can and cannot do given you're not exclusive. He needs to know this behaviour is not on.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

You already know what the right thing to do is but it doesn't seem like you currently have the backbone to do it, so stop wasting everyone's time here by asking redundant questions and just go and do what you want to do. It's your life.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Post_Punk_Proclivity said:


> You already know what the right thing to do is but it doesn't seem like you currently have the backbone to do it, so stop wasting everyone's time here by asking redundant questions and just go and do what you want to do. It's your life.


Yes, obviously I MUST know what the right thing to do is since I posted this seeking advice from others and am still going through and updating my current situation with this guy�� This is a support forum. In case you're unaware of what the term "support" means it generally involves helping others by offering advice and being there for them when there in need of, as the word suggests, support.

That was extremely rude of you and if you think I'm being redundant then leave my thread. Offer helpful advice or don't bother posting on my thread at all. Seriously there's no need to be rude. And clearly I'm not "wasting" anyone's time other than my own since it's my thread.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Block his number and be done with it.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> He just sent me a text saying he hopes I'm not talking to other guys and how he hopes I don't meet someone else. How the hell do I respond to that?!?!? This is getting really weird and correct me if I'm wrong but don't people usually go a first dates with different people before they choose to become exclusive with just one person? Especially with online dating. Why do I feel wrong for not committing to only him when I shouldn't have to?
> 
> We've only been texting each other for a couple of weeks!!! I've never even spoken on the phone or had a video chat with him! He seems like he's jealous of other guys when I keep telling him I'm not even talking to other guys! I don't understand why he's acting like I'm cheating on him already when we're not even dating. I feel like I always get the really clingy and desperate guys :/


Just block him. You don't owe him any explanation. This guy sounds like a stalker, and he's trying to control you. It's ridiculous for him to expect you not to date other people when you haven't even met him yet. He's being ****ing creepy.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Rains said:


> Your creepdar is broken. No one with common sense and good social judgement would put up with this. You're defending him here out of pity. And it looks like you're about to date him out of pity, and to appease him.
> 
> People like you end up learning everything the hard way.


LOL Rains, you just described most women in my area. >

@lonerforlife908, I do think that you have reason for concern, but I also think that you are blowing it out of proportion out of anxiety and because your social needs don't match his. He does seem a bit (a lot) obsessive, he is bearing his soul to you about his obsessive thoughts toward you, which isn't necessarily unhealthy at the "I'm about to meet my love interest" phase. However, this could just be another emotional manipulation technique.

What is concerning is that you don't seem to have laid the ground rules, according to what you've said in your posts. Your last description of him actually seems a bit more normal to me, but you have to be careful here anyways, because you don't want normal, you seem to want to take it slow, and normal is a one night stand, basically.

Talking about what you'll do and what kind of relationship you'll have is perfectly normal at any stage. You really have to know that you both want the same things. You have made it extremely clear to everyone that you DON'T want the same things as this guy. Maybe you're lonely or horny and you don't know it, or maybe he's pulling your romance strings and you are too inexperienced to realize that it's a trap. I'll leave that up to history to decide. Are you attracted to him, did you see pictures? I know that female attraction can be a lot more complicated than male attraction. All I have to do is get one look and I'm hooked.

I think he can sense that you are annoyed with him. You have stated that he's being way too clingy and needy. That is a statement of annoyance, by the way. If you don't want to be too harsh in your response to his questions, just say that you feel like he's messaging you way too much. Tell him that you want to take it slow already! AND tell him what taking it slow means, because I am sure you have a feeling as to how you want to do it. Try writing a diagram of what you think would be comfortable, and what general timescales you would prefer, just for your own peace of mind. This can change the more experiences you get.

How he deals with you pushing him away will tell you what he's really like. Don't be afraid to push. You will learn something!


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

AllTheSame said:


> Heh. I'll hook you two up if you want. She looks nothing like that (she used to be a stripper as a matter of fact lmao, something I didn't know about her until long after we'd decided this wasn't gonna work). But I'll be honest with you she may be more than you can handle. While she doesn't look like the girl in that meme, that's who I started to picture when she got too obsessive.
> 
> We (yes, both of us, as in "us") went from flirting, calling each other occasionally to her asking me out and texting me ten, fifteen times a day. I still have the texts, ffs.
> 
> Yeah she could've turned out to be a bunny boiler. She might be. No. No. No. Time to cut ties and move on and I'm so glad I did. I haven't talked to her in weeks, months.


:con Sorry, I'm all confused now. She probably wouldn't be interested in me anyways. I was talking about the one in the photo, but you posted that from some random website, right? I was mostly joking anyways... But... if you feel like playing cupid... I believe my facebook link is in my profile for pictures... :hide LOL this could end up being a disaster...


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Yes, obviously I MUST know what the right thing to do is since I posted this seeking advice from others and am still going through and updating my current situation with this guy�� This is a support forum. In case you're unaware of what the term "support" means it generally involves helping others by offering advice and being there for them when there in need of, as the word suggests, support.
> 
> That was extremely rude of you and if you think I'm being redundant then leave my thread. Offer helpful advice or don't bother posting on my thread at all. Seriously there's no need to be rude. And clearly I'm not "wasting" anyone's time other than my own since it's my thread!
> 
> Yes it is "my life" and I'm seeking advice for my situation so if you're oh so bothered by my "redundant questions" then DON'T READ THEM. The point of my post was to get advice through asking questions, so if you don't like reading questions I suggest you stop reading this thread. Why do people complain about what other people post when they can simply click out of it? Don't like my thread? Leave it then.


They do become redundant once everyone has offered the sensible advice and you clearly show no intention of following it. Most reasonable people simply become exasperated and resign themselves. My point still stands. And I don't think I was being rude, just blunt. Often I'm like that, and as far as I'm aware that's not against the board guidelines. Moreover, I'm supportive of plenty of people here. See post history.


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> :con Sorry, I'm all confused now. She probably wouldn't be interested in me anyways. I was talking about the one in the photo, but you posted that from some random website, right? I was mostly joking anyways... But... if you feel like playing cupid... I believe my facebook link is in my profile for pictures... :hide LOL this could end up being a disaster...


Yeah lmao that's just a meme...that's "overly obsessive girlfriend".

I just wanted to make it very clear that I wasn't leading her on or anything...we were both flirting with each other. Actually...she approached me at the first staff meeting I was at after I got hired. And anyways it just sort of went from there, she'd call me, I'd call her with a work question but we'd end up talking about other stuff, and we just kept going like that for a few months, until one day she just started texting me much more often, and then asked me out. And, yeah, I was just blown away. But then she started getting really creepy and controlling. I don't do creepy. And I don't do controlling. I'm out, nothing makes me run faster lol.

I was just kidding about you not being able to handle her. You might be able to. If you want my honest opinion, then I don't think you'd be able to, but meh, I don't really know you. I just know her, and I know that dating her would be like dating two or three women at the same time lmao. She is a handful. She is...something else.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

AllTheSame said:


> Yeah lmao that's just a meme...that's "overly obsessive girlfriend".
> 
> I just wanted to make it very clear that I wasn't leading her on or anything...we were both flirting with each other. Actually...she approached me at the first staff meeting I was at after I got hired. And anyways it just sort of went from there, she'd call me, I'd call her with a work question but we'd end up talking about other stuff, and we just kept going like that for a few months, until one day she just started texting me much more often, and then asked me out. And, yeah, I was just blown away. But then she started getting really creepy and controlling. I don't do creepy. And I don't do controlling. I'm out, nothing makes me run faster lol.
> 
> I was just kidding about you not being able to handle her. You might be able to. If you want my honest opinion, then I don't think you'd be able to, but meh, I don't really know you. I just know her, and I know that dating her would be like dating two or three women at the same time lmao. She is a handful. She is...something else.


Jeez dude, if you were a car salesman, I would now be a proud car owner... :grin2:
If that's how you talk about your lukewarm feelings with women, no wonder they melt all over you. >


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> Jeez dude, if you were a car salesman, I would now be a proud car owner... :grin2:
> If that's how you talk about your lukewarm feelings with women, no wonder they melt all over you. >


Lmfao, no they don't either. They either turn into obsessive-cray-cray-stalker-lets-talk-every-five-minutes-I'm-your-new-girlfriend-psycho-from-hell (see my last few posts) or they turn into Miss I-can't-commit-no-wait-I-love-you-no-wait-I'm-scared-no-wait-don't-go-no-wait-I'm-not-sure-psycho-from-hell.

There's something wrong with my girlfriend picker, somethin seriously wrong I swear to God.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

AllTheSame said:


> Lmfao, no they don't either. They either turn into obsessive-cray-cray-stalker-lets-talk-every-five-minutes-I'm-your-new-girlfriend-psycho-from-hell (see my last few posts) or they turn into Miss I-can't-commit-no-wait-I-love-you-no-wait-I'm-scared-no-wait-don't-go-no-wait-I'm-not-sure-psycho-from-hell.
> 
> There's something wrong with my girlfriend picker, somethin seriously wrong I swear to God.


Naw dude, those are just the two most common types of women. >
Most people just call them "normal" girls, not psycho-from-hell girls.
It sounds nicer that way...


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> Naw dude, those are just the two most common types of women. >
> Most people just call them "normal" girls, not psycho-from-hell girls.
> It sounds nicer that way...


Oh ffs, I never thought of it as a whole category of women. I was just describing my crush from work, and the woman I used to crush on that I met here on SAS. There are more out there like that??? Oh ffs, ffs, ffs....


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Post_Punk_Proclivity said:


> They do become redundant once everyone has offered the sensible advice and you clearly show no intention of following it. Most reasonable people simply become exasperated and resign themselves. My point still stands. And I don't think I was being rude, just blunt. Often I'm like that, and as far as I'm aware that's not against the board guidelines. Moreover, I'm supportive of plenty of people here. See post history.


Just stop posting on my thread if you dislike what I write so much. Your post doesn't stand and it never has because it was unnecessary. Yes it was rude, you must just not be very self-aware. So you're often a rude person for no reason? Wow, you sound like a fun person to be around! And I'm not looking at your past post history since I have no inclination to get to know someone that's unnecessarily rude to others.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> LOL Rains, you just described most women in my area. >
> 
> @lonerforlife908, I do think that you have reason for concern, but I also think that you are blowing it out of proportion out of anxiety and because your social needs don't match his. He does seem a bit (a lot) obsessive, he is bearing his soul to you about his obsessive thoughts toward you, which isn't necessarily unhealthy at the "I'm about to meet my love interest" phase. However, this could just be another emotional manipulation technique.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your informative advice! I don't understand why some people on here have to be so rude for no reason. If others think I'm being redundant by asking questions when I just need some advice regarding my current situation then why even bother posting on my thread? It's my thread people. Don't like it, then leave. And this is one of the only platforms I can speak on this subject due to the anonymity. I'm not talking about you of course!!!


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

AllTheSame said:


> Lmfao, no they don't either. They either turn into obsessive-cray-cray-stalker-lets-talk-every-five-minutes-I'm-your-new-girlfriend-psycho-from-hell (see my last few posts) or they turn into Miss I-can't-commit-no-wait-I-love-you-no-wait-I'm-scared-no-wait-don't-go-no-wait-I'm-not-sure-psycho-from-hell.
> 
> There's something wrong with my girlfriend picker, somethin seriously wrong I swear to God.


To be fair most guys fit into those two categories as well haha XD More accuratley the second type of guy would be the player type that doesn't commit opposed to the girl type that is afraid to commit. I seem to attract the first type, AKA the obsessive clingers. I guess there must be something wrong with my boyfriend picker too lol


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

I suppose make some distance from him but at the same time explain why he made you uncomfortable. Otherwise he'll never learn. Ive done stupid/crazy things with women that I was into and honestly didnt see how bad I looked to them. Instead they just talked **** to me and I ended up walking away even more crazy as a result. But still dont do anything that'll put you in a dangerous situation.


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> To be fair most guys fit into those two categories as well haha XD More accuratley the second type of guy would be the player type that doesn't commit opposed to the girl type that is afraid to commit. I seem to attract the first type, AKA the obsessive clingers. I guess there must be something wrong with my boyfriend picker too lol


Yeah I'm sure most guys fit into those two also, without a doubt lol. Meh, Idk...maybe it's all a matter of perspective, and the experiences you've had, and the phobias and all the little biases and quirks that everyone brings into a relationship. I mean, we all have them lol.

The woman I was crushing on that I met on SAS a few years ago (she's no longer on this site)...she and I saw each other and talked for damn near every day for over two years. I didn't think I was being "clingy" for telling her I wanted a committed relationship, after two years, but hey, for her that was moving too fast. Seriously. She still texts me and calls me occasionally but tbh I've lost interest. I still love her very much as a friend and we still talk but I just don't want to play games for the rest of my life.

Idk...I think most people's definition of "clingy" and scary obsessive kind of matches everyone else's definition for the most part though. Ffs, don't start calling, texting me ten, fifteen times a day out of the blue. And oh my God man, don't get me wrong, it is flattering to have a girl ask you out, ffs....that's happened to me a handful of times in my entire life (and I'm 46 years old). So yeah when my crush asked me out I felt like the luckiest man alive, seriously. Until she got obsessive and controlling and manipulative. And then I just threw up my hands, later on...the day it all started and said to myself "Yeah, of course this was too good to be true, ffs, here we go. Why was I thinking this could have ever been a real thing". Lmao. Anyways yeah I'm sure it goes both ways, guys and girls can both get that way. (And I didn't mean to hijack your thread  )


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

AllTheSame said:


> Yeah I'm sure most guys fit into those two also, without a doubt lol. Meh, Idk...maybe it's all a matter of perspective, and the experiences you've had, and the phobias and all the little biases and quirks that everyone brings into a relationship. I mean, we all have them lol.
> 
> The woman I was crushing on that I met on SAS a few years ago (she's no longer on this site)...she and I saw each other and talked for damn near every day for over two years. I didn't think I was being "clingy" for telling her I wanted a committed relationship, after two years, but hey, for her that was moving too fast. Seriously. She still texts me and calls me occasionally but tbh I've lost interest. I still love her very much as a friend and we still talk but I just don't want to play games for the rest of my life.
> 
> Idk...I think most people's definition of "clingy" and scary obsessive kind of matches everyone else's definition for the most part though. Ffs, don't start calling, texting me ten, fifteen times a day out of the blue. And oh my God man, don't get me wrong, it is flattering to have a girl ask you out, ffs....that's happened to me a handful of times in my entire life (and I'm 46 years old). So yeah when my crush asked me out I felt like the luckiest man alive, seriously. Until she got *obsessive and controlling and manipulative.* And then I just threw up my hands, later on...the day it all started and said to myself "Yeah, of course this was too good to be true, ffs, here we go. Why was I thinking this could have ever been a real thing". Lmao. Anyways yeah I'm sure it goes both ways, guys and girls can both get that way. (And I didn't mean to hijack your thread  )


Yeah I agree, I guess it's more of a subjective type of thing based on each individual's own experience, perspective and individuality. And I so get you on the texting and calling every minute of the day! I don't want to be texting ANYONE daily, I don't get the point of updating someone on how my day is going every damn second! It's like I can't actually DO anything with my day because I'm so busying texting other people on how it's going XD I honestly don't even understand how some people texting and calling others every second have the time in their day to do so. It's exhausting!

The bolded is exactly how I feel to a T right now. When we first started talking and he asked me out I was over the moon! Then out of nowhere he started getting crazy obsessive and controlling over everything I did. I'm not even sure how things could've gone from seemingly perfect to a complete and utter mess. It seems like I like the idea of a relationship but once I'm in one it just gets to be all too much. Maybe I'm just more of a chill and go with the flow type of person because damn! Almost every guy I've been with can't calm down and just relax! Every second they're freaking out thinking I'm going to leave or abandon them no matter how many times I reassure them that I would never do that. And we're not even officially dating yet!

And you didn't hijack my thread at all! In fact quite the opposite, I really enjoy your responses and interactions within my thread  Makes it much more interesting then it was before XD It wasn't you I had the problem with, just one person on here who started being rude for no reason. I'm glad it's not just me sharing experiences and perspectives on this thread, love hearing about others experiences similar to my situation!


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

To be (even more) fair > , I think there are styles of emotional/communication that males tend to prefer, and styles that females tend to prefer.
They're not exactly compatible.
I think that part of maturing means learning to tolerate someone who communicates differently than you, learning to understand what they really mean, and also learning to speak their language sometimes. Some people, my dad, for instance, never matured. He hardly relates to anyone because his communication style, his perspective, is simply unusual. People tell me all the time that things are complicated, but if you approach it in a scientific way, things get simple very quickly.

Instead of calling someone crazy, it's so much more fun and interesting to try to figure out why "most people" are that way. If enough people have the same opinion, it must be based on something of some kind of substance, otherwise a lot of people wouldn't believe it. Religion for instance, (trigger warning), even if god isn't real, not saying he's not, but even if, spiritual feelings are good for your brain, many people couldn't cope without their spiritual and religious experiences. Some people can, and it's unfortunate that it makes anyone upset because it's a personal thing, not something anyone should force onto another person.

And that's another metaphor for the gender war..... :/


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

lonerforlife908 said:


> The bolded is exactly how I feel to a T right now. When we first started talking and he asked me out I was over the moon! Then out of nowhere he started getting crazy obsessive and controlling over everything I did. I'm not even sure how things could've gone from seemingly perfect to a complete and utter mess. It seems like I like the idea of a relationship but once I'm in one it just gets to be all too much. Maybe I'm just more of a chill and go with the flow type of person because damn! Almost every guy I've been with can't calm down and just relax! Every second they're freaking out thinking I'm going to leave or abandon them no matter how many times I reassure them that I would never do that. And we're not even officially dating yet!


Yeah I think you really have to keep your emotions in check, somewhat. I mean, relationships are dynamic, they change and grow, even from the very start. You can't expect someone to meet your emotional needs all of a sudden, or from some preconceived, "fairy tale" moment you have in your head, and that goes for guys and gals. I don't care how long you've been in a relationship (my longest was over 20 years) you have to be able to make sure your own emotional needs are met, as an adult, ffs. Otherwise I think it turns into a codependent relationship, or....a very unhealthy relationship, ffs, not anything I'd want to be a part of. Nobody likes being the only parent in an adult relationship between two grown adults lol. It seems like there are a lot of people out there that are so, so ready to get into relationships that can't even take care of themselves.

And that's not to say you shouldn't be there emotionally for him / her, ffs, of course not...otherwise there's no relationship. It doesn't mean you're never vulnerable emotionally...it doesn't mean you don't open up, doesn't mean you don't take risks. Otherwise you'd never get closer, you'd never have anything substantive at all, really, besides a friendship, a FWB kind of relationship, I guess. I can't imagine being in that kind of relationship. But...I guess I think there's a fine line there. You have to be mature enough, adult enough to take care of yourself while allowing yourself to be open enough to get emotionally attached. _*And I'm amazed at how many people cannot do that, or cannot even grasp that really simple concept lmoa.*_

And I think that's where a lot of that "clinging, obsessive" personality plays into it....some people (guys and girls) are looking for someone to cling to and have no idea what a real relationship is....and ffs, they have no, no, no idea how much work it is.



k_wifler said:


> To be (even more) fair > , I think there are styles of emotional/communication that males tend to prefer, and styles that females tend to prefer.
> They're not exactly compatible.
> I think that part of maturing means learning to tolerate someone who communicates differently than you, learning to understand what they really mean, and also learning to speak their language sometimes. Some people, my dad, for instance, never matured. He hardly relates to anyone because his communication style, his perspective, is simply unusual. People tell me all the time that things are complicated, but if you approach it in a scientific way, things get simple very quickly.
> 
> ...


I totally agree men and women communicate in _*completely*_ different ways sometimes. Ffs, hell yeah.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Well, it's not exactly a good sign but it is relatively common for guys to be clingy when they are young and inexperienced and possibly desperate. When they finally do get some kind of attention they're terrified of having things go wrong. It all seems like such a big deal when you're young and it's something you place a lot of value on. 

Not saying you should risk it. Just saying that he might not realize how it comes across. And TBH, is probably not even really ready for a relationship. But that's why dating is a thing. It's practice. Not everyone is going to have a natural aptitude for dealing with things like dating and relationships and so forth. In fact, most guys are really, really bad at it. And it's worse because when they screw up (even a little) the consequences are usually immediate and rather harsh.

The thing to remember is that young men are far more sensitive and self-conscious than they might seem. Yes. They are selfish (often) and they probably have no idea at all what love is or what girls want or even what they're doing. 

All that said, I can't blame you for being freaked out by it. I guess anyone would. And TBH, if you do date the guy he is probably going to continue being the same way. But it might not hurt to ask him flat out if he realizes that he's freaking you out by being that way and just telling him what you told us. Maybe he doesn't care about you at all and it's all him. In that case, I wouldn't expect any kind of understanding on his part. But most of the time when people are doing something like clingy, they might just not realize what they're doing. They're just socially inept.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

lonerforlife908 said:


> And you didn't hijack my thread at all! In fact quite the opposite, I really enjoy your responses and interactions within my thread  Makes it much more interesting then it was before XD


 @AllTheSame, oooh dude, she wants you in her thread... better get on that, boi... > wink wink


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

@k_wifler I'd ask you to stop posting like you're drunk....except....I'm not sure you're drunk because this is how you usually post anyways > Amirite?

I do have some points I'm trying to make in my posts though lol.
Take a breath k_wifler.

Puff puff breathe
Puff puff breathe
And...drink some water, my brother. Have you ever had a glass of water? It's refreshing :grin2:


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

@AllTheSame, is it ironic that I don't drink or smoke or do any 'fun' drugs?

No water for me!
"Stay thirsty my friends, stay thirsty" - no one I would know

Not sure whether to be offended or just laugh it off at this point... okay I'll go easy on you two... this time... :kma


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## AllTheSame (Mar 19, 2016)

@*k_wifler* I hope you just laugh it off, I'm j/k man. You seem like the type that'd be fun to hang out with, have a few beers with though. You actually remind me of one of my doormmates in college. He just....could not be tamed, by any woman, by any friend, by his parents, by no one lmao. I mean that as a compliment bro.

Anyways I'm out, after hijacking this thread for too long I think (apologies).


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> @AllTheSame, is it ironic that I don't drink or smoke or do any 'fun' drugs?
> 
> No water for me!
> *"Stay thirsty my friends, stay thirsty" - no one I would know*
> ...


I laughed out loud reading that! :haha That seriously made my entire night!!! XD


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Just stop posting on my thread if you dislike what I write so much. Your post doesn't stand and it never has because it was unnecessary. Yes it was rude, you must just not be very self-aware. So you're often a rude person for no reason? Wow, you sound like a fun person to be around! And I'm not looking at your past post history since I have no inclination to get to know someone that's unnecessarily rude to others.


Why should I do that? I'm free to offer criticism as long as I don't breach the board guidelines, no?

And I don't harbor any spite towards you, I don't even know you. I'm sorry if my post came across as rude but I'm not going to consistently censor myself on this website to protect the delicate notion of reality some others here seem to hold onto, period. People have the right to speak their mind within reason, even if it's critical and deemed not typically supportive. I really feel that the tone conveyed in my post was blunt but relatively innocuous-- straight to the point. There's no use in sugar-coating the truth. If you couldn't handle that simple statement without flying off the handle and telling me where I can and can't post then I really don't think I'm the one with the issue. But by all means if a little criticism bothers you that much then feel free to complain to a moderator.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Post_Punk_Proclivity said:


> Why should I do that? I'm free to offer criticism as long as I don't breach the board guidelines, no?
> 
> And I don't harbor any spite towards you, I don't even know you. I'm sorry if my post came across as rude but I'm not going to consistently censor myself on this website to protect the delicate notion of reality some others here seem to hold onto, period. People have the right to speak their mind within reason, even if it's critical and deemed not typically supportive. I really feel that the tone conveyed in my post was blunt but relatively innocuous-- straight to the point. There's no use in sugar-coating the truth. If you couldn't handle that simple statement without flying off the handle and telling me where I can and can't post then I really don't think I'm the one with the issue. But by all means if a little criticism bothers you that much then feel free to complain to a moderator.


Take respect in the fact that this is my thread and leave it be. You have a "serious issue" if you can't see that. Just stop. I'm not going to stop in telling you the truth about yourself since you clearly can't see how rude you are being. You're honestly annoying the hell out of me, but if you choose to keep posting on my thread then I'll choose to keep responding to you XD


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

I ****ed everything up. I accidentally stood him up without meaning too and now he won't respond to my texts  I said I was an idiot and apologized over and over and all he said was "okay." 

The thing is we didn't have concrete plans on when and where we were to meet the night before, so the details of the date were a bit off from the start. My phone is really crappy and unreliable so phoning sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, usually it just goes straight to voicemail. I have a terrible phone plan at the moment since I haven't switched it over like I was going to awhile ago. It only lets me take calls at certain times of the day (it's completely random and stupid) and doesn't accept phone calls when out of my hometown and I didn't realize till later that I should've told him all of this. 

Because it's my phone and I never have to get a hold of myself, I failed to recognize and remember all of this. It also turns off randomly and won't start up again even when it has full battery. I should've told him before the date that texting is usually the only way to get a hold of me and that my phone isn't always reliable.

The night before we were to meet up I texted him telling him I would be driving up to the city where he lives and he texted back saying he had to run a couple of errands to run first. He told me he would get a hold of me when he was ready to meet up (keep in mind we didn't have a set place or time for the date yet- even on the day of). I was under the impression that he would text me the where and when. I thought he would text me but he never did. I know I should've just texted him asking him when we were meeting up but I honestly thought he was still running errands (I KNOW THAT WAS EXTREMELY STUPID OF ME- I do find it odd he never tried to text me at all either though). Basically both of us we're waiting for the other to text and neither of us texted first :/ Probably should've planned this better beforehand.

So eventually the day is over and I've given up and drove back home, after checking my phone every few minutes waiting for a text from him letting me know when he'd be done running errands. Keep in my mind my phone didn't notify me of any missed calls or voicemails. When I get home and have WiFi again there's a bunch of messages on my social media from him that I just received as I arrived home saying he's tried to call me 6 times and each time it went to voicemail. I felt my stomach drop because the whole entire time I thought he stood me up when really I was the one that stood him up. 

I drove two hours to see him and it took me an hour and a half just to get ready. I planned my whole outfit and looked my best and it was all for nothing 

I've apologized profusely over and over and he's responded to some of my apologies very curtly and ignored most of my texts completely trying to explain the situation. I can tell he's really hurt and mad that I didn't answer his calls. I don't blame him at all for being mad at me and I took 100% of the blame in the situation and explained my ****ty phone plan and how I should've told him before hand. I really believed he was going to text me when he was done running errands, but he only called me and I never actually received a single call. Huge miscommunication error :/ I feel absolutely terrible. God I'm such an idiot, I screwed up my first, and probably last, date ever. I've been crying all night I feel so mean. I know what I did was wrong and I'm so pissed I can't go back and redo everything. Did I completely blow it?


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Now he's all of a sudden telling me it's not going to work because of the long distance between us(we live two hours away from one another)._ I_ was the one that drove up to see him and I told him I could drive to see him almost all of the time so I feel a bit insulted to be honest. I know it was completely wrong of me to miss his calls but I really didn't know he called me. I don't think he believes that I didn't know though  I think he thinks I'm just making up an excuse.

I've apologized a million times and said I could drive up again as soon as possible and he's still mad at me. I feel hurt but even more than that I feel bad for hurting him. I screwed it all up. God, I'm shaking because of how stressed I am.
*
So he went from saying he couldn't live without me and he'd die if he seen me with someone else to ignoring my texts and saying he doesn't think it's going to work and saying he doesn't want to see me anymore. *I feel so stupid for thinking I could start something with him but it's all my fault. What should I do to help him forgive me? I already offered to drive up and see him whenever again and I promised that I'd set a time and place beforehand this time. I feel like I did everything I possibly could


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

Those all sound like massive red flags to me tbh. I'd recommend you to stay away tbh. Even if something happens, it doesn't look like it'll be a healthy relationship between you two. Just my two cents.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Now he's all of a sudden telling me it's not going to work because of the long distance between us(we live two hours away from one another)._ I_ was the one that drove up to see him and I told him I could drive to see him almost all of the time so I feel a bit insulted to be honest. I know it was completely wrong of me to miss his calls but I really didn't know he called me. I don't think he believes that I didn't know though  I think he thinks I'm just making up an excuse.
> 
> I've apologized a million times and said I could drive up again as soon as possible and he's still mad at me. I feel hurt but even more than that I feel bad for hurting him. I screwed it all up. God, I'm shaking because of how stressed I am.
> *
> So he went from saying he couldn't live without me and he'd die if he seen me with someone else to ignoring my texts and saying he doesn't think it's going to work and saying he doesn't want to see me anymore. *I feel so stupid for thinking I could start something with him but it's all my fault. What should I do to help him forgive me? I already offered to drive up and see him whenever again and I promised that I'd set a time and place beforehand this time. I feel like I did everything I possibly could


This smells pretty strongly of emotional manipulation, to be honest. Really, it seems you two aren't particularly compatible, even on the most basic of romantic levels. You've spent so much time on the fence, expressing what appears to be a desire for a very different style of communication and affection than the one he values--which is perfectly fine. Not every coupling is meant to be. Maybe you should just seize this moment to break ties?


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## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

Ai said:


> This smells pretty strongly of emotional manipulation, to be honest. Really, it seems you two aren't particularly compatible, even on the most basic of romantic levels. You've spent so much time on the fence, expressing what appears to be a desire for a very different style of communication and affection than the one he values--which is perfectly fine. Not every coupling is meant to be. Maybe you should just seize this moment to break ties?


+1


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## DannyD95 (Nov 29, 2016)

Like many have said be very cautious. I dont like the way that sounds. Im sure you are like most and dont want to lose a potential dating partner but anyone saying that kind of stuff in my book is probably up to no good.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Damn, that post was a roller-coaster. You've dodged a bullet.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

Can you tell us what's so special with that guy? His behaviour isn't attractive at all. He's highly needy.

I would break up contact with him immediately. He's highly manipulative and getting into a relationship with someone like him is going to be very destructive and painful. At the end, you will be more destroyed and sad than you are now.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

lonerforlife908 said:


> He definitely seems more extroverted than me since *he has quite a few photos of him drinking at clubs with people *(I go to clubs but very rarely).


Ding Dong

Anyone home? You don't see the light?

Obviously the guy is dysfunctional. On top of that, you two are very different characters. I don't see anything positive here.



lonerforlife908 said:


> I've apologized a million times and said I could drive up again as soon as possible and he's still mad at me. I feel hurt but even more than that I feel bad for hurting him.
> 
> *So he went from saying he couldn't live without me and he'd die if he seen me with someone else to ignoring my texts and saying he doesn't think it's going to work and saying he doesn't want to see me anymore. *


It's called Borderline personality disorder what you are dealing with. They are masters of letting the other one think it was their fault.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

NewHabits said:


> Ding Dong
> 
> Anyone home? You don't see the light?
> 
> Obviously the guy is dysfunctional.


Lol, what's wrong with going to clubs and drinking with people? It's what most young people do...

Rather than having a personality disorder, this guy sounds to me like he just had very, very high hopes for you. Maybe he's been stood up before but thought that you were somehow "different" than the other girls, and now that this has happened, he's bitterly accepted the fact that this is going to end like the others did.

Don't stress out about him too much, OP. If he doesn't want to meet again take the phone thing as a learning experience and move on.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

Seriously if he really cared or respected you he'd accept the apology and move on. After all why didn't he text you first especially as you were the one driving a long way.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

veron said:


> Lol, what's wrong with going to clubs and drinking with people? It's what most young people do...


Why should anyone have a lot of pictures like that on his profile? It's a sign he might also drink a lot in a relationship and go to parties having sex with other women.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

NewHabits said:


> Why should anyone have a lot of pictures like that on his profile? It's a sign he might also drink a lot in a relationship and go to parties having sex with other women.


That's a huge stretch. Not everyone who frequents clubs is a raging alcoholic and a pervert.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

That's what this thread reminds me of. I don't know who sounds needier - the OP or the guy. Just move on and find a more normal guy.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I've had a girl ask me to be friends with benefits when I barely even knew her. A lot of people out there are creeps and desperate. You should tell they guy you need to get to know him. If he doesn't want to, then drop him.


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Yeah I agree, I guess it's more of a subjective type of thing based on each individual's own experience, perspective and individuality. And I so get you on the texting and calling every minute of the day! I don't want to be texting ANYONE daily, I don't get the point of updating someone on how my day is going every damn second! It's like I can't actually DO anything with my day because I'm so busying texting other people on how it's going XD I honestly don't even understand how some people texting and calling others every second have the time in their day to do so. It's exhausting!


I believe a week is considered normal if people are busy. I noticed most people in love contact every hour or maybe more of a gap (morning, lunchtime, afternoon). Every minute is sometimes out of the norm unless both of you have free time and just want to chat for hours (sometimes happens) like lovers do in the initial stages of a relationship. Depends a lot on how much you like the person I guess.

I just hope you find a man that suits you.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

gunner21 said:


> That's a huge stretch. Not everyone who frequents clubs is a raging alcoholic and a pervert.


No, but it would fit his other "symptoms". It wouldn't surprise me. However, this is just my point of view and from experiences. At the end, she has to know what she is doing, but I am pretty sure it won't have a good ending.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

gunner21 said:


> That's a huge stretch. Not everyone who frequents clubs is a raging alcoholic and a pervert.


Word.

Sounds like a potential for a carcrash relationship, though. A breakup would probably benefit both parties.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Neal said:


> I suppose make some distance from him but at the same time explain why he made you uncomfortable. Otherwise he'll never learn. Ive done stupid/crazy things with women that I was into and honestly didnt see how bad I looked to them. Instead they just talked **** to me and I ended up walking away even more crazy as a result. But still dont do anything that'll put you in a dangerous situation.


I like this advice, but some people are such emotional creatures, trying to reason with them often doesn't work. I've made my share of knee-slapper comments to women on dating sites, but the response often needs to be given from a man's point of view, so even if she is trying to be helpful, it may not do much at all.
@lonerforlife908, so does this mean it's over? Since you're such a desperate chick in the market for such desperate thirsty guys, can I be next? >
jk jk


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

Yup, I'm cutting all contact with him. And all of this **** happened BEFORE we even met one another XD Talk about a train wreck! He just texted me again giving me an ultimatum stating that if I don't text him back and, "make a promise to always text him back" then he won't see me. I said I would always text him back from now on and he got all vindictive saying, "don't make promises you can't keep." Like WTF?!?!? 

I never prmised him anything. I've never even met the dude yet for Christ's sake! He was the one that was supposed to text me!!! I was waiting all day for a text from him, and I never once got passive aggressive or mad when I drove two hours to see him. He also said, quote on quote, it was, "the worst day of his life" when I didn't get his calls and that I had to "get a new phone plan asap." :/ I was the one crying all last night freaking out because I kept saying sorry to him and he wouldn't text me back. All he replied with was, "okay." Look, I'm desperate but I'm not THAT desperate lol XD

It's funny how before when I apoplogized and kept saying how guilty I felt about missing his calls and not getting to see him he was all passive aggressive and wouldn't accept my apology. But THE MINUTE I fight back and defend myself and point out that he never texted me either and that I don't feel like meeting up with him anymore he gets all nice and sweet and starts saying he wants to meet:roll
Classic manipulator


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

NewHabits said:


> Can you tell us what's so special with that guy? His behaviour isn't attractive at all. He's highly needy.
> 
> I would break up contact with him immediately. He's highly manipulative and getting into a relationship with someone like him is going to be very destructive and painful. At the end, you will be more destroyed and sad than you are now.


Agreed, already cut off all contact with him. It's funny how before when I apoplogized and kept saying how guilty I felt about missing his calls and not getting to see him he was all passive aggressive and wouldn't accept my apology. But THE MINUTE I fight back and defend myself and point out that he never texted me either and that I don't feel like meeting up with him anymore he gets all nice and sweet and starts saying he wants to meet:roll
Classic manipulator


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

andy0128 said:


> Seriously if he really cared or respected you he'd accept the apology and move on. After all why didn't he text you first especially as you were the one driving a long way.


THANK YOU! That's exactly how I feel!!! He just won't accept my apology and move on, it's like seriously? Grow up. And then he texted me saying, "I ruined his day." Ummm okay buddy, I'm the one that drove two hours to see you waiting for a text all day from you while you got all of your shopping done and ran errands and _I'm_ the one that ruined _your_ day???


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

.


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## labelme (Apr 22, 2014)

tell him he's being overly possessive. Depending on his reaction, that will be your answer.


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

ANX1 said:


> I believe a week is considered normal if people are busy. I noticed most people in love contact every hour or maybe more of a gap (morning, lunchtime, afternoon). Every minute is sometimes out of the norm unless both of you have free time and just want to chat for hours (sometimes happens) like lovers do in the initial stages of a relationship. Depends a lot on how much you like the person I guess.
> 
> I just hope you find a man that suits you.


Awww thank you, you're very sweet!!!  I hope I can find someone too but it seems as if I'm doomed to a life of being forever single  I think there's something wrong with me because I can never get a boyfriend and I always manage to screw things up. Or I attract the complete opposite of the type of person I want and we never connect with one another. I think I'm just going to give up before I've even started dating...it's all too much anxiety and stress for me :/


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

k_wifler said:


> I like this advice, but some people are such emotional creatures, trying to reason with them often doesn't work. I've made my share of knee-slapper comments to women on dating sites, but the response often needs to be given from a man's point of view, so even if she is trying to be helpful, it may not do much at all.
> 
> @lonerforlife908, *so does this mean it's over? Since you're such a desperate chick in the market for such desperate thirsty guys, can I be next? >*
> jk jk


Hey, watch it buddy XD I'm desperate but I ain't THAT desperate! Haha I'm just playing:lol


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

scarpia said:


> That's what this thread reminds me of. I don't know who sounds needier - the OP or the guy. Just move on and find a more normal guy.


Hey I ain't even gonna lie, this is probably the most accurate depiction anyone could've made to describe my situation:lol What a complete and utter TRAINWRECK.

And I'll admit, I do sound pretty needy lol. But I'm not ever going to be so needy or desperate that I lose my self-respect. I'm not going through that again, cutting off all contact with crazies haha


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## Mondo_Fernando (Jun 26, 2014)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Awww thank you, you're very sweet!!!  I hope I can find someone too but it seems as if I'm doomed to a life of being forever single  I think there's something wrong with me because I can never get a boyfriend and I always manage to screw things up. Or I attract the complete opposite of the type of person I want and we never connect with one another. I think I'm just going to give up before I've even started dating...it's all too much anxiety and stress for me :/


You're welcome. 

Thank you for your kind words. 

I believe that each time you encounter a man that is not for you, identify the behaviours that make a man like that. Then when see those behaviours again, you know to keep away from that type of man. You go through many men just learning what is wrong for you until you find what is right for you. Seen it many times with female friends who have had similar drama with men until they find the one for them that looks much like them and acts much like them.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

lonerforlife908 said:


> Haha now that I stopped responding to his texts and messages after saying I'm not going to meet up anymore he starts liking ALL my pictures and commenting saying how beautiful I am. Okay, whatever bud XD


Classic manipulator. Dangerous guy for sure.


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## HenDoggy (Jul 26, 2014)

Lol at everyone saying the guys is some serial killer stalker without even knowing his situation. He might be a guy who may not have much experience dating and don't know what is considered the "social norms". Might also have mild case of autism or something. Or he might in fact be a creepy controlling person. But I can't really draw a conclusion by just reading what the op has to say. If you are so worried about it why don't you tell him that this clingy personality is off putting and see why he behaves this way?


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

HenDoggy said:


> Lol at everyone saying the guys is some serial killer stalker without even knowing his situation. He might be a guy who may not have much experience dating and don't know what is considered the "social norms". Might also have mild case of autism or something. Or he might in fact be a creepy controlling person. But I can't really draw a conclusion by just reading what the op has to say. If you are so worried about it why don't you tell him that this clingy personality is off putting and see why he behaves this way?


That could be true, but this has all put too much stress and anxiety on me. I haven't even met the dude and I'm crying all day and night about how guilty I feel for missing our meet up. He also just sent me a really dysfunctional quote that said, "You're the one that makes me smile even though you're the reason I'm sad." Like WTF that sounds terrible!!! He told me he could come drive and see me a few days before and then the day of cancelled and I never made anywhere NEAR as big of a deal of it as he is now. I said that that was perfectly fine and we could re-schedule to see each other another time. Is that not how normal people react to and handle cancelled plans?

And how am I the sole reason for his sadness? Talk about laying on the guilt! I LITERALLY MISSED ONE MEET UP AND I DIDN'T GET ANY CALLS OR TEXTS FROM HIM. And I'm the one that drove two hours and wasted my whole day waiting for him to contact me when he'd be done shopping. I apologized for the accidental phone mistake and he's STILL making me feel guilty and bad about it. He won't accept my apology and move on. He also went even further to make me feel guilty by saying it was, "his worst day ever." The hell?!?!? I'm the one that wasted my entire day driving and waiting for him. I could understand if we planned on meeting a number of times and each time I bailed or flaked on him, but _once_?!?! I can't deal with this childish ****.

I'm just gonna cut off all contact with him.


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## NewHabits (Oct 26, 2015)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I haven't even met the dude and I'm crying all day and night about how guilty I feel for missing our meet up.


That's how these people operate. They let others feel like it's all their fault. This is highly manipulative and dangerous. Don't listen to people who say he's just inexperienced or something like that. This is bull****. No healthy human would act like this, not even close. The sooner you get away from him, the better.



lonerforlife908 said:


> He also went even further to make me feel guilty by saying it was, "his worst day ever." The hell?!?!? I'm the one that wasted my entire day driving and waiting for him. I could understand if we planned on meeting a number of times and each time I bailed or flaked on him, but _once_?!?! I can't deal with this childish ****.


It's his way to play being the victim. They are like vampires sucking the blood out of others. He won't ever be in a healthy relationship and other (healthy) women will feel that. That's why they stay away from him. Best for him would be to seek therapy, but that's not your problem.

Your task in the future should be to filter out these guys as soon as possible and draw your personal boundaries. No need to apologize to him. I would never apologize to anyone after driving two hours to meet and then never hear back. The only thing I would do is tell him how pathetic he is and then cut contact forever. I did that recently with one women who is highly manipulative and tried to contact me again after one year (I already knew from our first meeting that she has borderline).


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

lonerforlife908 said:


> I'm not going through that again, cutting off all contact with crazies haha


... Awwwwww :crying: >

But how do you know they're crazies? Are you going to test them and determine they're crazy and then disappear? I've known people who think the other is serial killer nutso and I liked them both. My last friend said he carries a machete when he goes into town for protection... idk though, he wears tight enough pants, he might have been joking around. My dad says that crazy goes along with drinking and smoking and taking drugs, and I'm inclined to agree.

I don't know if I'm borderline BPD or not, but I definitely freak out and get almost suicidal when my future starts to slip out of reach due to illness and having no help and no real life friends. I get really irritable and down on myself and society and anyone who pretends to care but won't follow through... Also I have been posting as "Free Ideas" on the rimworld dev blog at ludeon(.)com and someone named Marc asked why I think people in my society hate disabled people. Well, because it's true, and I have scientific proof to back it up, my own science experiments.

But anyways yeah I hope he doesn't psycho out on you and...........


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## lonerforlife9 (Apr 4, 2016)

NewHabits said:


> That's how these people operate. They let others feel like it's all their fault. This is highly manipulative and dangerous. Don't listen to people who say he's just inexperienced or something like that. This is bull****. No healthy human would act like this, not even close. The sooner you get away from him, the better.
> 
> It's his way to play being the victim. They are like vampires sucking the blood out of others. He won't ever be in a healthy relationship and other (healthy) women will feel that. That's why they stay away from him. Best for him would be to seek therapy, but that's not your problem.
> 
> Your task in the future should be to filter out these guys as soon as possible and draw your personal boundaries. No need to apologize to him. I would never apologize to anyone after driving two hours to meet and then never hear back. The only thing I would do is tell him how pathetic he is and then cut contact forever. I did that recently with one women who is highly manipulative and tried to contact me again after one year (I already knew from our first meeting that she has borderline).


Thank you! Couldn't agree more with what you have written. I barely know this guy and it's already gotten this bad, can hardly IMAGINE if I were to actually start dating him. I really do hope he gets help and realizes how his behaviour is affecting others though.


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