# So I'm an attractive guy



## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

So there, I know I'm a pretty good looking guy, slim and slender but attractive in a fit, gazelle-like way. I'm intelligent, I'm moderately successful for my age, I exercise, I write, I'm adventurous, I'm funny, I'm fun, I love animals and have a great relationship with my family. I don't put people down, I'm naturally empathetic, I'm sensitive, quiet, forceful, liberally-minded, and maybe even a little stylish. BUT........I'm also socially anxious. And somehow, this one little 'syndrome' has the ability to cancel out almost all of those positive things at any given moment, especially around women I DON'T already know. 

Lately, this has really, really been getting to me. Most or all or my friends have other halves, while I remain single. I've had girlfriends in the past, I'm not a virgin, but nearly all of my romantic relationships with women have come from them pursuing me. I consider myself very lucky that this has been the case, otherwise I would absolutely be in a far more desperate situation. 

My problem (which is exacerbated by the comparisons I make between myself and all other guys) is that I can't hit on women. I think if there was something really crazy-serious riding on it like say, the sun blowing up if I don't do it, I might get motivated. In Orlando, there are massive amounts of gorgeous, smart, young women and very few of them have the distinct pleasure of knowing me (ok, now I'm just sounding like a prick) because I won't approach them. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to go out because I don't want to feel the pressure of having to talk to girls. The pressure I feel both inside and outside. 

At this point in my life, I don't have much to ***** about, but this really bothers me. This is actually a huge motivator to overcome my SA. I love having a girlfriend, being in a relationship with someone I care for so deeply. I'm 25 now and its probably been 2 years since I've had anything remotely serious. 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I know I'm not in this boat alone, but it's nice to know there are others who feel this paralyzed. Any advice?

Thanks for reading


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## RX2000 (Jan 25, 2004)

unleashed said:


> So there, I know I'm a pretty good looking guy, slim and slender but attractive in a fit, gazelle-like way. I'm intelligent, I'm moderately successful for my age, I exercise, I write, I'm adventurous, I'm funny, I'm fun, I love animals and have a great relationship with my family. I don't put people down, I'm naturally empathetic, I'm sensitive, quiet, forceful, liberally-minded, and maybe even a little stylish.


And so modest too!

j/k :lol :b


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## Hikky (Jan 30, 2006)

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## karma police (Nov 13, 2003)

Hikky said:


> RX2000 said:
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> > And so modest too!
> ...


He thinks he's a really good looking guy. He's just being honest with himself. I see nothing wrong with that. The majority of the posts on SAS it seems like are all "gloom and doom" posts. Many of which turn into a pity affair. Its nice to see that someone around here has enough confidence in their appearance, and is able to outwardly acknowledge it. It's not like he said he was "God's gift to women" or anything like that.

Well anyway, back to the original question. Mmmm. Sorry, I have no advice to offer, I've never had a girlfriend. But I'm sure plenty of people here have, and can offer you some sound advice.


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## emptybottle (Jan 3, 2005)

RX2000 said:


> unleashed said:
> 
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> > So there, I know I'm a pretty good looking guy, slim and slender but attractive in a fit, gazelle-like way.
> ...


Post pics!


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

Well thanks for the honest replies. That one really didn't come across the way I hoped. I'm actually an extremely modest person, but legitimately feel like I've got a lot to offer but am terrible at expressing it (obviously). I guess being on here I just wanted to toot my own horn a little bit partly because I think it's sort of healthy. I think you all should do it once in a while and focus on all your positives, write out everything that makes you happy about yourself and realize that those are the things we need to enhance. Those of course are some of things I'm most afraid to freely externalize, but I SHOULD, and I know this. It's not so much WHAT needs to be done, for me, but HOW to do it.


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## Toonia (Jan 26, 2006)

unleashed said:


> So there, I know I'm a pretty good looking guy, slim and slender but attractive in a fit, gazelle-like way. I'm intelligent, I'm moderately successful for my age, I exercise, I write, I'm adventurous, I'm funny, I'm fun, I love animals and have a great relationship with my family. I don't put people down, I'm naturally empathetic, I'm sensitive, quiet, forceful, liberally-minded, and maybe even a little stylish. BUT........I'm also socially anxious. And somehow, this one little 'syndrome' has the ability to cancel out almost all of those positive things at any given moment, especially around women I DON'T already know.


I thought it was just fine everything you said about yourself. I figured you were just trying to pinpoint the real issue by describing everything that is not the issue. A person who is very good looking and has SA is often perceived as being aloof. We tend to assume that attractiveness brings social confidence. You may be a bit intimidating to women? Guys who approach women and guys who can make themselves very approachable will have the most interaction with women. Try to place yourself in situations where you are approachable, and allow your vulnerability to show a little when around women, you may be surprised by the results. :kiss


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

You almost sound like me, except for the fact of having actual personal relationships with women beforehand. I've never really considered myself bad looking(although there are some days...). Realistically, I guess I'm more average looking. I am looking for ways to improve my appearance to try and turn the odds more in my favor...
I do find it dificult to hit on women, flirt with them if you like. I can generally approach most women and make small-talk. When it comes down to flirting or making my romanitc interests known, I find myself stuck debating how much or what i should do. Often I'll worry so much about it, that I'll do nothing and the "girl gets away" so to speak.
I'm a little envious that you've had girls actually pursue you. That's never happened to me.
The only advice I can offer is that you have keep putting yourself out there and keep talking to women till you find one worth knowing better. Hopefully the odds will be in your favor and take things from there.


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

Thanks again for the replies...Toonia, I think you hit it right on the head with most people with SA coming across as "aloof." This is the impression we like to give because it keeps us out of the spotlight and under a low profile. To a stranger I probably seem just generally disinterested.

FreeSoul, you're half way there brother!! Being able to approach women is the hardest part as far as I'm concerned. Once I get to know a girl just a little bit, I think I do alright when it comes to flirting and showing interest. I'm convinced that one of the best ways to a woman's heart is laughter. If you can be funny, you're in there, plus this usually comes across as flirtatious so it's a double win if she digs your sense of humor!

That whole 'just be yourself' is great advice...but so much easier said than done. I KNOW.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

You know, "being ourselves" is also being the type of person that has social anxiety and has no friends. I don't know if that's exactly the greatest advice. For me personally, being myself means being an unfunny, boring guy that no one wants.


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## starrynight3333 (Oct 9, 2005)

good for you, it's important to feel positive about how you look, and that's not always an easy task. you write very well and on paper have a lot of great qualities..

slap a profile on an internet dating service, the ladies will come running for a guy with your description, then you can take your time with the correspondence, ease into it..no pressure e-mails. just an idea..


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

Hey sexy.


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## Hikky (Jan 30, 2006)

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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Hey Unleashed...I feel like I can relate to you. I think that I have a lot to offer but a couple of issues keep me from getting back into a relationship a year out of my last serious relationship. One thing I'm not clear on, is it actually meeting the girls that you have a problem with or talking to them once you've already met them?

If you're having trouble meeting them then just relax and let it happen in time. Keep yourself open to women but don't try so hard to find one. Keep your eyes opened at gathering with friends. Let it be known to your friends, and more importantly their girlfriends, that you would like to be in a relationship. Start getting into activities that you enjoy and try to meet people through that...for example if you like to hike, try a hiking club. 

Was that of any help?


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

starrynight3333 said:


> good for you, it's important to feel positive about how you look, and that's not always an easy task. you write very well and on paper have a lot of great qualities..
> 
> slap a profile on an internet dating service, the ladies will come running for a guy with your description, then you can take your time with the correspondence, ease into it..no pressure e-mails. just an idea..


It's a good suggestion and I've actually gone down that path before with ok results. I ended up meeting up with a couple girls but nothing really came of it. One of the biggest hurdles with online dating sites to battle with is the sheer fact that there are so many guys trying it right along side you. The result is that most of the girls get just inundated with emails and many of the responses slip through the cracks.

One of the best ways to meet special someones is through friends, but for whatever reason this hasn't happened in too long.

I hope everybody here meets the freakin' girl/guy of their f'ing dreams.


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

pixiedust, 

Actually it's more just the approach. If I could just get over the initial 'hi, how's it going' I'm usually fine...usually. The ideal for me, and I'm sure a lot of others too, is meeting a girl through friends and then hanging out as a group, like with close friends, so she can really see who I am; because typically I feel much more relaxed when there are other people around. 

And your advice is right on the money, I completely agree you gotta get the word out! Also, getting involved in things your passionate about is a great idea. I'm really kind of in that mode right now so it's funny you should mention it! I think, and it's good to hear someone else does too, that, much like a job, if you do what you love the rest will fall into place


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## starrynight3333 (Oct 9, 2005)

Hikky said:


> starrynight3333 said:
> 
> 
> > slap a profile on an internet dating service, the ladies will come running for a guy with your description, then you can take your time with the correspondence, ease into it..no pressure e-mails. just an idea..
> ...


i'm not jesting, and don't call me shirley :haha


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## beach_boy2112 (Feb 18, 2005)

There is nothing wrong in knowing what traits you have that are good and positive ones. Thats the only way we are ever going to get better is to believe in ourselves more and more. With this kind of anxiety we have to accentuate our good points or at least I would be mired in hopeless depression. Unleashed, I am alot like you. I am a good looking, athletic, fit, intelligent and charming, funny and sensitive guy. I have so many gifts, but they are all or have all been overshadowed by this anxiety. Like you I have a hard time approaching women and talking to them, unless im drinking, lol. Like you the only relationships I have had are when girls have actually come on too me. I have had countless other opportunities with beautiful women, but didn't have the courage to go up to them and ask them out. Even if I did I am deathly afraid of dating. I always have to ask the girl if she wants to stay in and watch a video, you can only do that so many times before she begins to wonder. Like you I have an inferiority complex about other guys now, because my friends can so easily talk to girls and date. I know I can do this too, but I have to find the motivation to walk through that fear and start practicing actually doing it. I think it just takes practice and more practice. Ive actually gotten to the point where I am pretty flirty now and am getting more confidence. I can have conversations with girls , if they are very attractive, then im still pretty nervous. But I have realized that most guys are with very attractive women. Its just a process of learning how to do it and practicing in small steps. I am 32 now and it took me all these years to get to this point. Im telling you this so you can start now and build your confidence and wont waste the time I did. Start tomorrow, your life awaits


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

i'd say i'm basically average looking so i should be able to have average relationships...and yet they only happen under the right circumstances. i'm absolutely terrified of asking a girl out. the only time i'd do it would be if i were never to see her again in case i don't get the answer i want. .. i don't think you're being vain... why be modest when you don't have to be?


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## Your Lover Scrub Ducky (Jul 26, 2004)

starrynight3333 said:


> Hikky said:
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> > starrynight3333 said:
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hehe, "airplane" fan are ya?


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## starrynight3333 (Oct 9, 2005)

Scrub Ducky said:


> starrynight3333 said:
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> > Hikky said:
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love airplane!! one of my all time favorites, and i am very happy that someone picked that up : )


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Man. I'm in the same boat as you. The only difference is I've never had a gf, and I've never had any girls pursue me. 

I'm not arrogant or anything, but I've been told by a lot of people that I'm a good looking guy. I've always made good grades in school, so I'm fairly intelligent. People that know me will tell you that I have a good personality. Yet it seems that none of this matters. No other trait I have matters just because I can't approach women. 

And as far as women doing the approaching or pursuing, it just doesn't happen to me. This is very hard for me to understand, though, because before someone approaches you all they know is what you look like. They don't know your personality, intelligence level, morals, etc. I get looks from girls and women all the time, so I know there are women out there who find me appealing. So where are all of these aggressive girls at? Maybe some people are just luckier than others. I don't know.


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## ABetterTomorrow (May 17, 2005)

Its the body language we give off. It reads please stay away from me. In highschool I would get approached by girls because I was able to be myself and didnt have this anxiety. In college im around 15 times as many girls and dont get approached at all. I look the same, but I make poor eye contact and dont project the same confidence. 

Women are much more perceptive of these signals then men so even if an agressive girl is into you, you are telling her to stay away with your body conversation.


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

good point Abetter,

often how people perceive you will affect how they treat you. i tend to have the 'get-away-from-me' look on most of the time. when i'm friendly i get friendly responses back. this extends beyond attracting a mate. it also pertains to making friends and how people get along with you. i've had professors sort of mistake my shyness for apathy. no-one gives us sad'rs the benefit of the doubt.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

ABetterTomorrow said:


> Its the body language we give off. It reads please stay away from me. In highschool I would get approached by girls because I was able to be myself and didnt have this anxiety. In college im around 15 times as many girls and dont get approached at all. I look the same, but I make poor eye contact and dont project the same confidence.
> 
> Women are much more perceptive of these signals then men so even if an agressive girl is into you, you are telling her to stay away with your body conversation.


 Yeah. But I make good eye contact with people. All the time. I don't walk around with my head down. I can make eye contact with anybody. It doesn't matter who it is. So it can't be that. I stand up fairly straight when I walk. I don't smile very much when out in public, but neither do most other people I see. I can't think of anything else that I could be doing that's giving off the "don't approach me" vibe.


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

The other thing I'm stuck on is not wanting to give the impression that I'm actually interested, which is really stupid. It's like I don't want her to know that I am hitting on her so I don't seem like the 900 other guys who tried earlier that night. I never want to come across like I want something, so I never even try. <dumb


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

unleashed said:


> The other thing I'm stuck on is not wanting to give the impression that I'm actually interested, which is really stupid. It's like I don't want her to know that I am hitting on her so I don't seem like the 900 other guys who tried earlier that night. I never want to come across like I want something, so I never even try. <dumb


everyone does that...i do it all the time...i guess it's the fear of coming across as desparate.

i dated a girl who i worked with a long time ago. when she'd walk by me in the hall she'd never look at me and when i did try to talk to her she seemed really disinterested. when i dated her she told me she was way into me all of those years i worked with her.. i would have never guessed.


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## Toonia (Jan 26, 2006)

unleashed said:


> The other thing I'm stuck on is not wanting to give the impression that I'm actually interested, which is really stupid. It's like I don't want her to know that I am hitting on her so I don't seem like the 900 other guys who tried earlier that night. I never want to come across like I want something, so I never even try. <dumb


If you are attracted to shy girls, perhaps you should single them out because 900 other guys might have not hit on them even if they are beautiful. You could practice talking to women you are not interested in romantically just to get used to socializing. You could also allow yourself three total flops and just realize you will have to get them over with sooner or later. Maybe use one flop a night until things get going for you. :fall People forget stuff easily so no harm done.

The kind of things that have made me feel like a guy wants something from me include - generic compliments, sexually charged initial comments, talking only about himself, anything said about me is immediately countered with a competative remark, comments on how I can benefit him.

Things that I have appreciated are sensitive remarks and compliments that apply to me uniquely, a sincere interest in knowing how I enjoy spending time, offering assistance if applicable, making it okay to feel nervous, etc.

There is a saying that beautiful women get hit on all the time and you shouldn't tell them they're beautiful because they hear it all the time. The way a woman looks and how she feels about herself can be surprisingly unrelated. I don't think you can go wrong with a genuine compliment even if it comes out a little awkward.


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

That's good stuff Toonia.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Toonia said:


> There is a saying that beautiful women get hit on all the time and you shouldn't tell them they're beautiful because they hear it all the time. The way a woman looks and how she feels about herself can be surprisingly unrelated. I don't think you can go wrong with a genuine compliment even if it comes out a little awkward.


Thanks for putting that out there Toonia. It's always been one of my pet peeves. People think that just because you're attractive that you have the perfect life and feel great about yourself. I hate that in this society most people don't see what's past skin deep.

Unleashed..and everyone else for that matter...please keep that in mind and remember that whatever someone looks like on the outside, male or female, ugly or attractive, they're still just a person.


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