# Dad is going to call the cops on me



## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

*Long rant*

I spend most of my time at home taking care of my dad who has had two strokes and is on disability. I'm the one who takes care of my parents' finances. I also deal with all the doctors and health insurance details. My mom and I didn't learn this until after his first stroke because my dad always controlled their finances, but in the last few years he was spending money irresponsibly and had drained a lot of my parents retirement funds and bank accounts. He was also writing checks from accounts, even though those accounts were empty. After his first stroke, my mom wanted me to take care of all of their finances and my dad mainly went along with it, but in the last few months he has been increasingly paranoid that we are stealing his money. Sometimes he is violent towards me and refuses to eat or take his medication.

It's pretty ridiculous that he thinks that I am stealing his money because I have been spending most of my paycheck paying for his medical expenses and utilities since last year. He doesn't have enough income coming in, even though he has both social security and long term disability. Once I pay the mortgage every month and his credit card bills, his money is pretty much gone. He seems delusional. He keeps saying how he has all this money even when I explained it to him and showed him all the spreadsheets for his accounts. He did a horrible job tracking my parents' finances and they don't have enough money for retirement. They have 5 figure credit card debt and they still owe a mortgage on the house. 

I'm pretty sure he is going to call the cops on me this month. He already tried calling them yesterday but my mom stopped him. I feel like if they come and see that he is disabled that they will believe that I am abusing him and arrest me. However, that will leave all of his care to my mom and her English isn't great. How is she going to deal with all the doctors? She isn't going to be able to stop him if he drains the accounts since they are in both of their names. I don't want to leave her alone with him and all the problems that he created before he even had his stroke. I'm also afraid that I'm going to lose my job if I get arrested and they already don't have enough money to cover their bills. The only way they are able to break even every month is because I chip in. 

I don't know what to do. It's okay if you don't have advice for me. I just needed to write this out for my own sanity.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Can't your mom help explain to him that you really are spending his money wisely? He is so lucky to have you, tough situation to be in. Even if he calls the cops I don't think you will be arrested, for what? Just explain the situation. Good luck bro.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

Imo, you can love someone, but they can just be bad for your own health and well being. 

I would honestly just make sure that they are not destitute, but it's really not your responsibility to assume their credit card debt.

Think about how your own life is being held back, and parents are supposed to make sure their offspring are healthy and get mature.

So be as supportive as you can without harming your own future. If that means you can only come over and help with some cleaning on the weekends and that's it, then so be it.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Kevin001 said:


> Can't your mom help explain to him that you really are spending his money wisely? He is so lucky to have you, tough situation to be in. Even if he calls the cops I don't think you will be arrested, for what? Just explain the situation. Good luck bro.


She used to be able to talk him down, but even she has had trouble controlling him in the last few months. Look up "elder abuse." I don't have a formal power of attorney so he could say that I'm withholding his financial documents from him. I kind of am indirectly at my mother's request. I just don't want him to use up the rest of their money. We're still paying off his medical costs from the last two years. They also have a balloon mortgage and monthly payments are going up again next year. I didn't know this at the time, but they already almost lost the house in 2011. Trying to stop that from happening again.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

lostinlife said:


> She used to be able to talk him down, but even she has had trouble controlling him in the last few months. Look up "elder abuse." I don't have a formal power of attorney so he could say that I'm withholding his financial documents from him. I kind of am indirectly at my mother's request. I just don't want him to use up the rest of their money. We're still paying off his medical costs from the last two years. They also have a balloon mortgage and monthly payments are going up again next year. I didn't know this at the time, but they already almost lost the house in 2011. Trying to stop that from happening again.


O, I see. One side me wants to say keep trying to do whatever you can to help them out. The other is saying just cut your ties and worry about your own life, you don't want this situation to mess with your future.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Gojira said:


> Imo, you can love someone, but they can just be bad for your own health and well being.
> 
> I would honestly just make sure that they are not destitute, but it's really not your responsibility to assume their credit card debt.
> 
> ...


I know you're right. Intellectually I know you're right. It's a physically and mentally abusive situation. He was a very selfish person even before he had his stroke and the stroke just made it worse.

It's complicated because when my dad had his first stroke, I moved in with them to take care of everything. I need to get a better job before I can leave. I can't leave my mom in there. My dad screwed her over. She is getting near retirement age too but she is going to be left with nothing and be out on the street. It's not her fault. She tried so hard to save for retirement and now most of it's gone. I'm not going to leave unless she can come with me. It's probably going to end up killing me, but I feel like it's the right thing to do.


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## mishapisha (Aug 27, 2015)

Even if he does call the cops, you're mum will take your side won't she? If she needs a translator to help explain the whole situation, if it does come to it, she can request for one.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

lostinlife said:


> I know you're right. Intellectually I know you're right. It's a physically and mentally abusive situation. He was a very selfish person even before he had his stroke and the stroke just made it worse.
> 
> It's complicated because when my dad had his first stroke, I moved in with them to take care of everything. I need to get a better job before I can leave. I can't leave my mom in there. My dad screwed her over. She is getting near retirement age too but she is going to be left with nothing and be out on the street. It's not her fault. She tried so hard to save for retirement and now most of it's gone. I'm not going to leave unless she can come with me. It's probably going to end up killing me, but I feel like it's the right thing to do.


I know it's tough. Honestly, I wish it were simpler, and I commend you for taking care of your mom too.

But I think she should also be happy to see her son living a good life.

But I know it's not simple, so ultimately, you can only do what your heart tells you. Just know though, that you are important too.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Kevin001 said:


> O, I see. One side me wants to say keep trying to do whatever you can to help them out. The other is saying just cut your ties and worry about your own life, you don't want this situation to mess with your future.


That's one good thing about depression. I actually don't care that much about my own future. I don't need that much. I just need a roof over my head and enough money to cover the bills with a little bit left over to save for a rainy day. I never felt like I deserved more than that.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Gojira said:


> I know it's tough. Honestly, I wish it were simpler, and I commend you for taking care of your mom too.
> 
> But I think she should also be happy to see her son living a good life.
> 
> But I know it's not simple, so ultimately, you can only do what your heart tells you. Just know though, that you are important too.


Thank you for your kind words. One of my major problems with this, and just anxiety in general, is that I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel like other people have "real" problems and this is just me with my inability to cope with life.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

lostinlife said:


> Thank you for your kind words. One of my major problems with this, and just anxiety in general, is that I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel like other people have "real" problems and this is just me with my inability to cope with life.


Don't feel alone, I definitely have my share. Socially retarded, and with a past full of family problems.


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## kageri (Oct 2, 2014)

If you are in the US they aren't going to arrest you if he doesn't show any sign of injuries. It would at worst be considered a domestic dispute. They might tell you to leave until things can be sorted out, they might call a social worker to look into it, etc... but it should be easy to explain what is going on and get things back to "normal" again within a day or 2. I would have the disability documents on hand and possibly a record of his trips to the hospital just to speed things up. You might want to see about taking him to the doctor and determining if there's any dementia going on which would further keep you and your mom from getting in trouble should he do anything like contacting the authorities. It also might be possible to have all finances taken out of his control and nowhere recognize his checks, signature, or credit card but you have the paranoia to balance since he's at least aware of things enough to complain about the money not being there.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

mishapisha said:


> Even if he does call the cops, you're mum will take your side won't she? If she needs a translator to help explain the whole situation, if it does come to it, she can request for one.


My mom has my back. You do not want to mess with her kids or she will go mama bear on you. Unfortunately, it's still not that clear cut because both of us are caretakers so it could still fall under the category of "elder abuse." However, they were joint accounts so there is some leverage there. In most joint accounts, one party can take money out without the other's consent but if huge disagreements arise, they can get divorced as a last resort. They'll lose the house through a short sale but most of the credit card debts are under his name so my mom can at least salvage some of her financial history.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

kageri said:


> If you are in the US they aren't going to arrest you if he doesn't show any sign of injuries. It would at worst be considered a domestic dispute. They might tell you to leave until things can be sorted out, they might call a social worker to look into it, etc... but it should be easy to explain what is going on and get things back to "normal" again within a day or 2. I would have the disability documents on hand and possibly a record of his trips to the hospital just to speed things up. You might want to see about taking him to the doctor and determining if there's any dementia going on which would further keep you and your mom from getting in trouble should he do anything like contacting the authorities. It also might be possible to have all finances taken out of his control and nowhere recognize his checks, signature, or credit card but you have the paranoia to balance since he's at least aware of things enough to complain about the money not being there.


Thanks for explaining the possible outcomes. If he calls them and they come, I can't stop that from happening. I'm still a little worried since we're Asian and the cops in our county don't have the best track record for race relations. Most cops also aren't trained to deal with mental or physical impairments. They probably won't be able to understand him because of his aphasia. They might want to put him somewhere for observation. Those places are terrible though. Way worse than the hospitals and rehab centers he has been in. I'm not sure my dad understands that and just thinks the cops are going to come in and take his side because he's disabled and make us do everything he says, no matter how self-destructive it is to him or his family.

He did actually visit his primary care doctor last week. His PCP really wanted him to visit a neurologist. However, he didn't have a very good neurologist before so he didn't see the value in having one and stopped going after he got out of the hospital the 2nd time. I don't think he has dementia. His memory is really good for the most part. He's not confused about who or where he is. It's just the paranoia and delusions about his finances. I really wish I had gotten a financial power of attorney earlier to protect the rest of my parents' finances. I really didn't think he was going to accuse me of abuse though and he would never agree to sign that now.


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## Raiva (Aug 22, 2015)

*Hiya Lostinlife!*

Please tell me if I have this wrong, but it seems that your mother is coherent/rational and your father has become paranoid (could be the strokes or, depending on his age, Alzheimer's or dementia). It's my understanding that when a person has become unable to manage their own finances, meds, care, etc. that there is something called "The Power of Attorney", which is a legal document allowing either your mother or yourself (if your mom's not capable?) to intervene and manage these things for them LEGALLY. I suspect that a medical Doctor must determine if that *is *the state that your father is 'in'(some people have this document in place before they lose their faculties, making it easier for their family), but if it is decided that he is unable to handle these things, then either your mother or you would be able to take over finances and care. I urge you to contact someone (Senior's services?) to find out how this can be put into place - it will protect everyone.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Raiva said:


> Please tell me if I have this wrong, but it seems that your mother is coherent/rational and your father has become paranoid (could be the strokes or, depending on his age, Alzheimer's or dementia). It's my understanding that when a person has become unable to manage their own finances, meds, care, etc. that there is something called "The Power of Attorney", which is a legal document allowing either your mother or yourself (if your mom's not capable?) to intervene and manage these things for them LEGALLY. I suspect that a medical Doctor must determine if that *is *the state that your father is 'in'(some people have this document in place before they lose their faculties, making it easier for their family), but if it is decided that he is unable to handle these things, then either your mother or you would be able to take over finances and care. I urge you to contact someone (Senior's services?) to find out how this can be put into place - it will protect everyone.


Lots of legal details here, but I believe for any power of attorney, the person must be able to sign it willingly. This document would have been ideal, but I don't think he will sign it now and that document can be modified by him in any case. To get someone appointed when he refuses to sign a power of attorney would require going to court and getting them to grant either a guardianship or conservatorship by declaring him "incompetent." It's not immediate though and costs money for lawyers and court fees.


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## Raiva (Aug 22, 2015)

*Sorry Lostinlife - I understand your point now*

I tried to find out more info on Power of Attorney after I read your reply to my post and I believe you're correct that this is pretty difficult to get if the person is now unwilling to trust you & sign the documents. :frown2: 
I realize your original post is about more than just the financial issues, but you stated that your mom has joint access to their accounts & you have fears that your dad will "drain their accounts." I think I would go ahead immediately and assist Mom at the bank to salvage any remaining funds in the joint accounts (check to see if there are employees who speak the same language - they can help 'verify' Mom's wishes) & secure them in her name only (as you mentioned in a later post). It seems that would be in HIS best interests also (tho he isn't likely to believe it when he finds out!) if they stay together and, even if they don't, at least he can't squander everything.
Your situation sounds overwhelming in so many ways - which is why I'd focus on the practical first. You can't control Dad's paranoia - hopefully his Doctors will recognize the extent of his disability & do something to help. In the meantime, I'm glad your Mom has you on her side.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Raiva said:


> I tried to find out more info on Power of Attorney after I read your reply to my post and I believe you're correct that this is pretty difficult to get if the person is now unwilling to trust you & sign the documents. :frown2:
> I realize your original post is about more than just the financial issues, but you stated that your mom has joint access to their accounts & you have fears that your dad will "drain their accounts." I think I would go ahead immediately and assist Mom at the bank to salvage any remaining funds in the joint accounts (check to see if there are employees who speak the same language - they can help 'verify' Mom's wishes) & secure them in her name only (as you mentioned in a later post). It seems that would be in HIS best interests also (tho he isn't likely to believe it when he finds out!) if they stay together and, even if they don't, at least he can't squander everything.
> Your situation sounds overwhelming in so many ways - which is why I'd focus on the practical first. You can't control Dad's paranoia - hopefully his Doctors will recognize the extent of his disability & do something to help. In the meantime, I'm glad your Mom has you on her side.


I already transferred what I could into accounts with her name only. For Social Security, I'm going to try and get representative payee status. I think that would be easier to get than a conservatorship or something else that has to go through a court. I think he only gets long term disability through next year. Not sure what I can do to control funds for that without legal intervention. If I can convince him to go back to a neurologist, maybe they will have some better ideas of other things we can do.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

You have a witness. Your mother believes you. The cops won't arrest you. I remember my dad called the cops on me because of my mother's abuse towards me. The cops didn't believe a word she said and aloud me to explain myself. They listened to my side of the story and didn't arrest me. If your dad reports you to the cops again, then you would have to take it further by giving them proof about what you did with the money. It's really frustrating to have people think you're lying when you're not. I've been there too many times. People don't believe anything unless they see it for themselves. Can you blame them for this world being full of liars?


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Farideh said:


> You have a witness. Your mother believes you. The cops won't arrest you. I remember my dad called the cops on me because of my mother's abuse towards me. The cops didn't believe a word she said and aloud me to explain myself. They listened to my side of the story and didn't arrest me. If your dad reports you to the cops again, then you would have to take it further by giving them proof about what you did with the money. It's really frustrating to have people think you're lying when you're not. I've been there too many times. People don't believe anything unless they see it for themselves. Can you blame them for this world being full of liars?


I just have to mentally prep myself in case he does call the cops on me. I should be good on "proof" though. I'm obsessive about keeping good records since I found out how messed up their financial situation was. I also probably have at least some of the medical professionals on my side if I need other witnesses.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Time for an old folks home.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

knightofdespair said:


> Time for an old folks home.


He was in a skilled nursing facility before when he first got out of the hospital but insurance wouldn't cover it anymore (maxed out limits). Ironically, he hated it when he was in there and wanted to come home but now all he does is complain when he is at home. It was probably better for him though because at least he got regular exercise. He isn't motivated to exercise anymore and I think his condition is getting worse. I'm also nervous about going back for test results in December because he has had bad kidney test results for the last year. If he has kidney failure than he has to go to yet another specialist that he doesn't want to go to.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

He's obviously not in any shape to deal with finances and when he starts being paranoid and threatening people with cops/etc then its time for outside help. People hit a point where even the most dedicated family member just cannot keep up with it.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

Tl;dr. Sorry. By the title I'm gonna say your dad is an *******. If I had kids, I would never call the cops on them no matter what they did. That's so ****ed. You never give up on your kids.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Imbored21 said:


> Tl;dr. Sorry. By the title I'm gonna say your dad is an *******. If I had kids, I would never call the cops on them no matter what they did. That's so ****ed. You never give up on your kids.


Sounds more like dementia or Alzheimer's.. and both of those defy reason. They feel suspicious because of a brain imbalance not because it made logical sense. No amount of reassurance is going to keep them from calling the cops daily because of imagined events.


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## lostinlife (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks for the comments and advice everyone! Everything seems to have settled down temporarily.



knightofdespair said:


> Sounds more like dementia or Alzheimer's.. and both of those defy reason. They feel suspicious because of a brain imbalance not because it made logical sense. No amount of reassurance is going to keep them from calling the cops daily because of imagined events.


I don't think it's dementia or Alzheimer's because his memory still seems fine. After his stroke, the only main psychological changes I noticed were delusions about his condition (e.g. how fast he could recover from stroke). That is a common condition in stroke patients or anybody else who has had brain trauma though. Doctors and therapists call it "lack of insight." He did have one incident with hallucinations in the hospital, but I think that was due to a medication change and isn't ongoing. The physically violent episodes are him being an ******* though.

The financial stuff was going on for years before he had his stroke. He had been lying to my mom about where all the deposits and investments were going. He might have always just been a narcissist with poor spending habits. There also might be some transference going on. He thinks the money is still there, even though he spent it or lost it all, so he wants to shift the blame and say I stole it and spent it all.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

lostinlife said:


> I don't think it's dementia or Alzheimer's because his memory still seems fine. After his stroke, the only main psychological changes I noticed were delusions about his condition (e.g. how fast he could recover from stroke). That is a common condition in stroke patients or anybody else who has had brain trauma though. Doctors and therapists call it "lack of insight." He did have one incident with hallucinations in the hospital, but I think that was due to a medication change and isn't ongoing. The physically violent episodes are him being an ******* though.
> 
> The financial stuff was going on for years before he had his stroke. He had been lying to my mom about where all the deposits and investments were going. He might have always just been a narcissist with poor spending habits. There also might be some transference going on. He thinks the money is still there, even though he spent it or lost it all, so he wants to shift the blame and say I stole it and spent it all.


Well good luck, in my experience whenever someone is on that trajectory it just tends to get worse.. The little things become bigger and there is a point where reasoning is just not going to get anywhere.


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