# Girls Initiating--Does it Ever Work???



## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

So I'm not asking about whether girls should or should not make the first move on guys. That is a dead horse that we will not be beating. I want to hear from any girls who _showed interest_ in a guy first through, you know, flirting and actually got a date out of it. How did you get up the gumption to actually say something first? Guys, have you dated or are you dating a girl who showed interest first? Again, I don't mean asked you out or for your number. I mean she initiated the first convo or starting flirting first.


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## kindofblue (Jul 9, 2013)

Most girls I go after show interest first. You can always start flirting with a guy at anytime. Flirting is fun. Just don't make a big deal out of bit and relax. If nothing its good practice. Being a good flirt is an important skill  haha


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## 000XXX000 (Dec 1, 2013)

unfortunately I have never run into one. but the idea of it sounds wonderful. aka, I would not be opposed.


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## brooke_brigham (Nov 28, 2013)

Does it work? of course. I dont see any reason to hesitate if youre making eye contact then by all means go fir it. It's really not that complicated. For example if I saw a hot guy in a bar or even going way back at a school dance its easy enough to say "Are you having fun?" its not even what you say but how you say it. Hold your head up, say it with confidence, even just saying hi, and you'll know if the guy is interested or not.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Two out of four of my exes made the first move. So yes, it works.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

On the rare occasions it has happened to me it would certainly have worked if my anxiety had not caused me to run away and hide.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

I remember this one time, when I worked at a bar where a really attractive guy appeared(who looked exactly like Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the Velvet Goldmine days). I deliberately stuck my eyes on him as he walked by, and kept them there even when he locked back. So it became this instense, long stare that lasted all the way until he crossed a corner(my head followed him like an owl). It was super intense.

I know it was a risk since it could be interpreted as creepy, and _I wouldn't have kept my eyes focused on him that long if he had looked away after cathing my gaze_.

After that we kept eye flirting and the next time he came to bar, his friend came up to me and said that he "was talking about me all the time" and that she thought I should talk to him.

I don't actually remember who said what first, after that, but we decided to hang out(we started talking as I was waiting their table). We got into a relationship that lasted throughout that summer.

tl;dr: You don't always have to initiate contact with words and I think that women often _do_ initiate things like that. Showing that the door is open, if you will.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

^Good advice. Eye contact is more powerful than words, in my experience (and a bit easier).


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

probably offline said:


> I remember this one time, when I worked at a bar where a really attractive guy appeared(who looked exactly like Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the Velvet Goldmine days). I deliberately stuck my eyes on him as he walked by, and kept them there even when he locked back. So it became this instense, long stare that lasted all the way until he crossed a corner(my head followed him like an owl). It was super intense.
> 
> I know it was a risk since it could be interpreted as creepy, and _I wouldn't have kept my eyes focused on him that long if he had looked away after cathing my gaze_.
> 
> ...


You've got balls, lady! I couldn't do that without breaking the gaze and going bright red.

What works for me is engaging in light flirtation and innuendo, because it encourages them to do the same back if they find me attractive.

For example, the other day I was chatting with a co-worker who was telling me about a tattoo he has on his chest. He said he couldn't take his shirt off to show me and I replied with "that's okay, you can show me after work" and it both made us giggle. ^__^

I think I am just naturally a flirtatious person though, which helps I guess!


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

xRoh said:


> You've got balls, lady! I couldn't do that without breaking the gaze and going bright red.
> 
> What works for me is engaging in light flirtation and innuendo, because it encourages them to do the same back if they find me attractive.
> 
> ...


I was protected by the dimness and the bar I was standing behind. Haha. I get way more confident in the dark, because I don't have to worry about blushing.

I agree about the light flirtation/innuendo, too. I'd say that's what I normally do if I want to show interest beyond friendship.

Sometimes I'm the complete opposite, though, and show _nothing_. Especially if I really like someone(fear of rejection yada yada). They have to be related to Sherlock Holmes to figure out that I'm interested when I'm like that.



TicklemeRingo said:


> ^Good advice. Eye contact is more powerful than words, in my experience (and a bit easier).


I think so, too. It's also a good way to assess if someone's even the slightest bit attracted to you without making a fool out of yourself for nothing. If they don't even acknowledge that you keep looking at them, searching for eye contact, it's just time to move on.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

TicklemeRingo said:


> On the rare occasions it has happened to me it would certainly have worked if my anxiety had not caused me to run away and hide.


Same here.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

It's worked well for me in the past. I think I speak for most guys when I say it's much-appreciated. Even if I wasn't attracted, it's very flattering and most guys won't just shoot a girl down harshly.


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## Woodoow (Mar 20, 2013)

Only happened one time, a few months ago. It could have worked if I didn't end up stumbling on my words and running away (not litteraly) like a weirdo.


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## HilarityEnsues (Oct 4, 2012)

I've had a few and no, I never bit.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

I wish it worked out.......... The last time I talked to a girl which was last year...she initiated most of our conversations...then I ****ed up...I missed formal last year and this year I'm not going either...I don't want to sit around watching a bunch of people make out while I am alone and have nobody to talk to...I'm probably going to miss junior formal and prom during junior and senior year as well...


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## HilarityEnsues (Oct 4, 2012)

^

No one will ever want to if you go around with that attitude...


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

HilarityEnsues said:


> ^
> 
> No one will ever want to if you go around with that attitude...


You don't say.

Good job I have the other things putting them off first so it doesn't matter either way. I didn't always have that attitude.


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I've never outright asked a guy out, but initiating stuff? No it hasn't worked for me. I'm not a good example though, I'm not very attractive physically and don't have good social skills.
> 
> I'm not someone people would want to date.


Lies! I've watched one of your videos and you're a cutie!


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

xRoh said:


> Lies! I've watched one of your videos and you're a cutie!


This is true.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> This is true.


+1 for what its worth..

I've had girls initiating in the past yes on the rare occasion they got me cornered or i actually went out somewhere like bars etc.. I honestly felt bad for them because i know the courage it must take to do that, I'm just so awkward/shy in situations like that, it never works, I've decided to hide instead...


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## VictoryOverFear (Mar 18, 2014)

It works in that you'll probably get a yes. But I don't think it _really_ works because if the guy actually was interested in you he would have made a move. Since he didn't, he's not really interested and just said yes because guys don't really ever say no.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

VictoryOverFear said:


> It works in that you'll probably get a yes. But I don't think it _really_ works because if the guy actually was interested in you he would have made a move. Since he didn't, he's not really interested and just said yes because guys don't really ever say no.


you've obviously never experienced what its like to be an extremely awkward/shy guy, with little experience in romantic endeavours....


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

VictoryOverFear said:


> It works in that you'll probably get a yes. But I don't think it _really_ works because if the guy actually was interested in you he would have made a move. Since he didn't, he's not really interested and just said yes because guys don't really ever say no.


Umm you do realise that people have SA, right? I mean, you are posting on a forum for SA so I assume you do, and you have it yourself. So this post does not make any sense to me.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

VictoryOverFear said:


> It works in that you'll probably get a yes. But I don't think it _really_ works because if the guy actually was interested in you he would have made a move. Since he didn't, he's not really interested and just said yes because guys don't really ever say no.


Great logic there. *sarcasm*


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## VictoryOverFear (Mar 18, 2014)

xRoh said:


> Umm you do realise that people have SA, right? I mean, you are posting on a forum for SA so I assume you do, and you have it yourself. So this post does not make any sense to me.


Yeah I get that, but how many people out in the world actually have SA? If you knew that's why the guy wasn't making a move then sure, but what's the more likely explanation?


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

gunner21 said:


> Great logic there. *sarcasm*


:teeth....yes, last girl i was interested in that i tried to ask out or whatever, was 10 years ago, she sent me a text from her phone, I answered by saying something really stupid which made me look stupid, then i tried for 2 weeks to work up the courage to talk to her....I failed, so i threw myself into work, and getting drunk/playing videogames/listening music in spare time....cause that seemed easier, thats my success story....


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Hey guys, I can't respond as thoroughly as I'd like to right now because I'm prepping for a job interview. I will respond more specifically tmrw. But thanks for the insight and sharing personal experiences. Quick additional questions: how does this apply to online dating?


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

VictoryOverFear said:


> Yeah I get that, but how many people out in the world actually have SA? If you knew that's why the guy wasn't making a move then sure, but what's the more likely explanation?


Even so, it's a bit of a sweeping assumption to say that unless he makes a move, he's not at all interested.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Worked for my girlfriend so hey you never know.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I used to think this was a rarity, but then I opened my eyes and my mind a little more and discovered it happens quite frequently. 

I have had an ongoing battle to stop the generalizations when it comes to the sexes, because more often than not I find them to be wrong when looking at it broadly. Probably the best sense of someone is determined by the individual themselves and not as a gender. For instance, "Sally" can be shy but "Lauren" is not. Sally won't approach or makes excuses not to make the first moves on a guy, while Lauren does the opposite and initiates everything subtly or directly.

I blame a large part of me taking a long time to realize something so obvious to PUA ideology, biology and close-mindedness. Now, if someone could give me a reward for my new-founded perceptions I would be more than grateful! (still waiting...) :b

So yeah, short story, it all depends on the person, or the individual girl in this instance.

To answer the OP, yes it works!


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

Hasn't worked out for me offline. Online, yes.


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## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

It does if it's done right and by the right person.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

Of course it works. Probably better than it works when guys initiate.

Once, while I was studying in the univ library, a girl passed by and told me - out of the blue - that she loved my haircut. She then immediately went outside to smoke a cig, I took the bait and took my cigarette break as well so we could continue chatting outside. We ended up exchanging numbers.



VictoryOverFear said:


> Yeah I get that, but how many people out in the world actually have SA? If you knew that's why the guy wasn't making a move then sure, but what's the more likely explanation?


*You have to realize that someone who doesn't have SA isn't necessarily fearless.* It takes courage to walk up to a girl you dig and try to make a good impression - SA just happens to make it even harder to muster that courage. Especially if the girl happens to be intimidatingly good-looking.


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## VictoryOverFear (Mar 18, 2014)

Mr Bacon said:


> Of course it works. Probably better than it works when guys initiate.
> 
> Once, while I was studying in the univ library, a girl passed by and told me - out of the blue - that she loved my haircut. She then immediately went outside to smoke a cig, I took the bait and took my cigarette break as well so we could continue chatting outside. We ended up exchanging numbers.
> 
> *You have to realize that someone who doesn't have SA isn't necessarily fearless.* It takes courage to walk up to a girl you dig and try to make a good impression - SA just happens to make it even harder to muster that courage. Especially if the girl happens to be intimidatingly good-looking.


Well I guess it depends on what you like then. I couldn't imaging being attracted to a guy who was scared to approach me.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> Of course it works. Probably better than it works when guys initiate.
> 
> Once, while I was studying in the univ library, a girl passed by and told me - out of the blue - that she loved my haircut. She then immediately went outside to smoke a cig, I took the bait and took my cigarette break as well so we could continue chatting outside. We ended up exchanging numbers.
> 
> *You have to realize that someone who doesn't have SA isn't necessarily fearless.* It takes courage to walk up to a girl you dig and try to make a good impression - SA just happens to make it even harder to muster that courage. Especially if the girl happens to be intimidatingly good-looking.


Well then.....this means I will be alone forever........I knew it


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

VictoryOverFear said:


> Well I guess it depends on what you like then. I couldn't imaging being attracted to a guy who was scared to approach me.


That's the whole point of giving off a good impression when approaching a girl. You don't want to come off as insecure - you want to come off as confident, witty, charismatic. Hence why it's hard to pick up girls when you're not naturally confident.



jsmith92 said:


> Well then.....this means I will be alone forever........I knew it


Keep working on your SA, it might improve and you might muster the courage to approach your crush one day.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> That's the whole point of giving off a good impression when approaching a girl. You don't want to come off as insecure - you want to come off as confident, witty, charismatic. Hence why it's hard to pick up girls when you're not naturally confident.


I'm with you here. This is why I try to fake that ****, but damn it's hard to keep up with actual confident guys.


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## AlchemyFire (Mar 4, 2013)

I met my boyfriend online, but I initiated and it's worked out fine for me. Still together.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> That's the whole point of giving off a good impression when approaching a girl. You don't want to come off as insecure - you want to come off as confident, witty, charismatic. Hence why it's hard to pick up girls when you're not naturally confident.
> 
> Keep working on your SA, it might improve and you might muster the courage to approach your crush one day.


How do I even do this........I've been miserable for months now over this specific issue.......I've had a crush on the same girl for three or four years but I have never even approached her........its pathetic....she doesn't even know I exist


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

if i really liked a guy, i would make the first move


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I initiated with my first 2 boyfriends. I thought they were cute. 

And I have done the eye thing many times. If you wait around for a guy to hit on you, you will not get the one you want the most.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

I think pretty much every guy would be flattered by a girl making an approach - so yeah, go for it ladies. I've been unlucky over the years in that when a girl has made the first move with me I've always been in bad shape mentally/stress wise (i.e not prepared for a relationship) - so I couldn't reciprocate.


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## lunarc (Feb 25, 2014)

I think it would be pretty amazing if girls made the first move. I think its especially important if you like a guy who has social anxiety. They are likely to be scared of rejection or are too nervous to make the first move. It would suck to miss out on the 'one' because both parties were too chicken.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> *You have to realize that someone who doesn't have SA isn't necessarily fearless.* It takes courage to walk up to a girl you dig and try to make a good impression - SA just happens to make it even harder to muster that courage. Especially if the girl happens to be intimidatingly good-looking.


Someone who has SA isn't necessarily fearful.

---

In my case she sort of manipulated me into liking her. I'm okay with that though, because I view that as an attractive trait.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

Yes! I got dates with two very nice guys this way, one of whom things kept going with for a while, though obviously that didn't last. I've never actually asked a guy out, except for one terrible error of judgement when I was fifteen, but a bit of flirting and a certain kind of smiling and eye contact... it works wonders.

As was said in a similar thread some time back, though - guys do tend to take being approached by a woman as an invitation for sex. Even when it's not even an overt approach. If you show interest, they assume you're 'up for it'. Like I said, I did get dates with some very nice guys this way - one of whom took me out for a formal dinner, of all things - but they only actually asked me out properly when they realised I wasn't going to **** them. Sad but true. It's the way of the world.

Basically, I still think it's worth coming onto guys as a woman because it's the one way to make sure it's someone you're actually interested in... but you have to be aware you'll be taken for a floozy unless you're basically tapping on a window with a sponge. Men can get away with being open, but women need to be so subtle. It's not an easy balance to maneuver.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

Sacrieur said:


> In my case she sort of manipulated me into liking her. I'm okay with that though, because I view that as an attractive trait.


wot


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

komorikun said:


> I initiated with my first 2 boyfriends. I thought they were cute.
> 
> And I have done the eye thing many times. If you wait around for a guy to hit on you, you will not get the one you want the most.


(Sorry for triple posting here, on my phone and doing otherwise is too difficult).

I agree with this so much. This is why, SA or none, I've always envied the male gender role of men making the first move. If you wait to get approached, it's someone who likes you, not necessarily someone you like - this is the part that men are missing when they complain about how often women get approached, the fact that nine times out of ten it's not someone who's your type. It's so much more efficient to initiate yourself, because then you know it's someone you're interested in.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

lisbeth said:


> wot


She was all cute and stuff okay.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Paper Samurai said:


> I think pretty much every guy would be flattered by a girl making an approach - so yeah, go for it ladies. I've been unlucky over the years in that when a girl has made the first move with me I've always been in bad shape mentally/stress wise (i.e not prepared for a relationship) - so I couldn't reciprocate.


Probably wise not hit on people that you run into on a regular basis. Would be very awkward to see them afterwards if it turns out the feeling isn't mutual. I could never live it down.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Probably wise not hit on people that you run into on a regular basis. Would be very awkward to see them afterwards if it turns out the feeling isn't mutual. I could never live it down.


Or if it is mutual, but you change your mind and decide to back out. There is now a university society I don't feel I can go back to, can't face the embarrassment. This is why I think the common advice of meeting people in class or through clubs/extracurriculars is absolutely terrible. Go for someone with whom you share no mutual friends!


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

lisbeth said:


> Or if it is mutual, but you change your mind and decide to back out. There is now a university society I don't feel I can go back to. This is why I think the common advice of meeting people in class or through clubs/extracurroculars is absolutely terrible.


Yeah, relationships often don't last long either.

At this group thing I've been going to 6 or 7 guys have hit on me or asked me out and none of them I find attractive/dateable. It's awkward even for me.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

komorikun said:


> Probably wise not hit on people that you run into on a regular basis. Would be very awkward to see them afterwards if it turns out the feeling isn't mutual. I could never live it down.


Hmm you're right, I didn't think of that. But then again cold approaches are probably one of the most difficult things someone with anxiety could do I reckon.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Okay, so I didn't get a chance to jump in with my two cents because I was busy the last two days. But now I have some time.



kindofblue said:


> Most girls I go after show interest first. You can always start flirting with a guy at anytime. Flirting is fun. Just don't make a big deal out of bit and relax. If nothing its good practice. Being a good flirt is an important skill  haha


I know this in my mind, but my actions sometimes have a hard time following. I have told myself, even if the guy rejects you take it as practice. Its just when the opportunity presents itself, the fear can prevent me from doing anything if I let it. But you are so right though.



probably offline said:


> I remember this one time, when I worked at a bar where a really attractive guy appeared(who looked exactly like Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the Velvet Goldmine days). I deliberately stuck my eyes on him as he walked by, and kept them there even when he locked back. So it became this instense, long stare that lasted all the way until he crossed a corner(my head followed him like an owl). It was super intense.
> 
> I know it was a risk since it could be interpreted as creepy, and _I wouldn't have kept my eyes focused on him that long if he had looked away after cathing my gaze_.
> 
> ...


Wow, that is awesome and a sign of confidence. I wish I could do that!



xRoh said:


> You've got balls, lady! I couldn't do that without breaking the gaze and going bright red.
> 
> What works for me is engaging in light flirtation and innuendo, because it encourages them to do the same back *if they find me attractive*.
> 
> ...


Once again, amazing. :clap

This is what makes me hesitate in flirting though. Does the guy find me attractive? I mean I know I'm not ugly, I think I'm cute. But my problem is: _I don't know if the dude thinks I'm cute._



Amphoteric said:


> Hasn't worked out for me offline. Online, yes.


Now, I have been planning to try online dating sometime in the future. But flirting online presents other challenges. At least when you're talking to a guy in person you can tell from his body language if he's interested or not. But online you don't know unless he says it outright. How do you know if it's worth the risk when you're not even sure if he finds you attractive?



AlchemyFire said:


> I met my boyfriend online, but I initiated and it's worked out fine for me. Still together.


If you would be so inclined, could you please elaborate? How did you initiate and was it on a dating website, chat room, forum?



lisbeth said:


> Yes! I got dates with two very nice guys this way, one of whom things kept going with for a while, though obviously that didn't last. I've never actually asked a guy out, except for one terrible error of judgement when I was fifteen, but a bit of flirting and a certain kind of smiling and eye contact... it works wonders.
> 
> As was said in a similar thread some time back, though - guys do tend to take being approached by a woman as an invitation for sex. Even when it's not even an overt approach. If you show interest, they assume you're 'up for it'. Like I said, I did get dates with some very nice guys this way - one of whom took me out for a formal dinner, of all things - but they only actually asked me out properly when they realised I wasn't going to **** them. Sad but true. It's the way of the world.
> 
> Basically, I still think it's worth coming onto guys as a woman because it's the one way to make sure it's someone you're actually interested in... but you have to be aware you'll be taken for a floozy unless you're basically tapping on a window with a sponge. Men can get away with being open, but women need to be so subtle. It's not an easy balance to maneuver.


Yeah, you know I think you're right about guys thinking you're looking for sex. Last year, this guy asked for my number. We starting texting. And then a short while after I asked him to coffee, which was probably a mistake. After a week of texting, this dude starting making sexual comments to me. _We'd literally only been talking for a week._ So yeah, your explanation clears that one up for me.

And the thing about being subtle is so true. It seems like a woman has to be flirtatious without sending the wrong message. This can be difficult, at least for me, if a girl wants the guy to know she thinks he's attractive without him assuming she actually means more than that.

Can a guy clarify why some guys think like this? If a girl is not flirting sexually and making it clear that sex is what she wants, why assume its what she's looking for?



lisbeth said:


> Or if it is mutual, but you change your mind and decide to back out. There is now a university society I don't feel I can go back to, can't face the embarrassment. This is why I think the common advice of meeting people in class or through clubs/extracurriculars is absolutely terrible. Go for someone with whom you share no mutual friends!


I'll do you one better, I was talking to my next door neighbor! Mistake! I had to cut him off because he was repeatedly saying things that made me uncomfortable. Now that I think about it, he was a sleeze. Worse yet, my mom and aunt liked him and thought he was this nice guy. But thank God, due to unrelated reasons, my family decided to move a month later. I was soooo relieved. Otherwise, I would have had to live with the awkwardness.

Anyways, my problem is a fear of rejection. I don't want to embarrass myself trying to flirt with someone if I'm unsure as to whether they think I'm cute or are interested. And online, it's even harder to tell. Then if the guy has SA, in person you don't know for sure whether or not he has it because non-SA people get nervous sometimes too. And online, such as this website, its hard to tell if the guy really is just hesitant or not interested. Sorry about the long post, all that was pent up the last few days. :eyes


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

If it hadn't worked, I'd never have met my first girlfriend.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> Now, I have been planning to try online dating sometime in the future. But flirting online presents other challenges. At least when you're talking to a guy in person you can tell from his body language if he's interested or not. But online you don't know unless he says it outright. How do you know if it's worth the risk when you're not even sure if he finds you attractive?


I haven't done online dating per se, so can't really give you advice on that. I've always been just friends at first with the guys I developed feelings for online.


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## Woodoow (Mar 20, 2013)

> Can a guy clarify why some guys think like this? If a girl is not flirting sexually and making it clear that sex is what she wants, why assume its what she's looking for?


Simple, confusion between desires and reality.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

So even though I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this question, I'm going to ask it anyway. So if a girl starts a friendly convo with you, no flirting, just friendly, does whether or not you find her attractive determine if you respond or not? Will you just ignore her if you don't think she's cute?


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

seeking777 said:


> So even though I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this question, I'm going to ask it anyway. So if a girl starts a friendly convo with you, no flirting, just friendly, does whether or not you find her attractive determine if you respond or not? Will you just ignore her if you don't think she's cute?


No I wouldn't ignore her, I'd try to have a friendly conversation.

I'd be surprised if more than a tiny minority of guys would say yes to that question.

If someone has been ignoring you like that it could be because they themselves have social anxiety, poor conversation skills, or something like that...


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

TicklemeRingo said:


> No I wouldn't ignore her, I'd try to have a friendly conversation.
> 
> I'd be surprised if more than a tiny minority of guys would say yes to that question.
> 
> If someone has been ignoring you like that it could be because they themselves have social anxiety, poor conversation skills, or something like that...


Well that must be the case, because I don't know what else it could be.....


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

seeking777 said:


> Well that must be the case, because I don't know what else it could be.....


What's been happening?


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## MariLushi (Jul 13, 2014)

Well in certain cultures, woman iniciate contact.


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## donzen (May 13, 2014)

2 of my ex-gf's initiated first.

I am not really someone that initiates first sadly, They didn't mind that tho.


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## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yes, girls initiating can definitely work.

The first girl I ever dated asked me out and it was cool.


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## Fixxer (Jul 12, 2011)

At the college, I remember a girl, that I never noticed before, she was looking at me, as I was walking by.... I looked again because I could feel she was looking at me and she still was... I looked a 3rd time and she was still looking at me..... then I was getting past her and wouldn't dare to look again, I was too stressed of being observed.
After that time, I started to feel attracted to her but she never looked at me like that again... because I blew my chance on the first time and was "testing" me but I failed the test. 
I learned she had a boyfriend, because I heard her talk with friends.
It's either that, I think that these signs of attraction are misinterpreted by me, as if my self-confidence is so low that I believe I am exaggerating and that the person is just doing it without a purpose OR I don't know how to react and I feel anxious.

Anyway, my ex was the one initiating things. Some girls have shown interest lately but their are either in relationships or one lady seems to be interested, and I am too, but she also has a boyfriend and I have been her patient 3 times, but I am Sure she is into me!!!
I'm too afraid of rejection. I am not making the first move, I will be rejected, laughed at of will be awkward... I'm not ready for a relationship. 
Even if I see signs of flirting toward me, I do not believe it, I interpret it as good friendship because THEY CAN'T be into me!!
If a girl flirts with me, I DO NOT see SEX as the first thing. I want to get to know her, see if things could work out or if we can still date and get to know if we are meant for each other.

I'm impressed on how you girls here are daring to make the first moves and being successful at it! wow!


probably offline said:


> . I deliberately stuck my eyes on him as he walked by, and kept them there even when he locked back. So it became this instense, long stare that lasted all the way until he crossed a corner(my head followed him like an owl). It was super intense.
> 
> I know it was a risk since it could be interpreted as creepy, and _I wouldn't have kept my eyes focused on him that long if he had looked away after catching my gaze_.


 I could not have looked back at you right away, I would have had to look away and look back. You are courageous for looking at this guy for so long and you were rewarded so, that's great!!


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## Fixxer (Jul 12, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> If a girl starts a friendly convo with you, no flirting, just friendly, does whether or not you find her attractive determine if you respond or not? Will you just ignore her if you don't think she's cute?


I have female friends, nothing deeper with women (Flirting, dating etc. ,although I was in a relationship ONCE... 7 years ago... :S ). With women, it usually doesn't go further than friendship so, I talk with anyone who is kind enough to be worth talking with. I mean, if the person is rude, then I won't talk much or cut short.
I find myself not attracted to some "hot" looking ladies because often enough, I find the discussion to be "not very deep intellectually or about partying, having fun and how good they look".
I think the problem, for a guy or women who is not attractive for the person they are interacting with, is they are going to be kept on the friend zone... and if they are too shy, the same happens. I know the Friend zone TOO WELL!!
In dealing with social anxiety, I think ANY interactions with girls are good! I try to connect with as much people as I can and, interacting with girls, especially near my age (girls/women... I am 27) is the hardest and the most embarrassing. Anyone who interacts with me deserves an answers, it's harder if they are rude to me and it that case, I might ignore or talk back ( I don't know how to get out of these situation most often) but I always think that if someone comes in to talk or leave a message, they deserve to be listened to and to get some kind of feedback.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Yeah, I was wondering about trying to communicate with guys on this site and online, because usually with guys irl I can tell if they find me attractive or not by their body language and words. On here, I can't tell whether or not I should even try to start up a convo with a dude because I don't want to get rejected either. :eyes I especially don't want to get relegated to the dreaded friend zone. :lol Then I only have what he says to go on, so if he doesn't outright say "you're cute!", I don't know if he finds me attractive or not and whether I should continue talking to him or keep it moving. Plus, there's trying to keep the balance of getting to know somebody on a friendship level and whether to try to inject flirting into the convo to show that you might be interested. Then there's the problem of misinterpreting/misunderstanding what a guy is saying. Like yesterday a guy on here said something to me in the chat and I'm thinking, "Is he flirting? Is he interested? Or just being nice?"


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

Yes, it works. In every relationship/etc I've had, the initiation was 40 me, 60 them, or something like that. I'm not really proud of that though, because "man get Jane, man make family."


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## Fixxer (Jul 12, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> Then there's the problem of misinterpreting/misunderstanding what a guy is saying. Like yesterday a guy on here said something to me in the chat and I'm thinking, "Is he flirting? Is he interested? Or just being nice?"


Same in my case... except with girls! lol
Are they just being nice, are they flirting, are they testing me, are they joking. A girl in class is about 20-21 (her birthday is soon) and she is soon to be engaged, faithful (in my opinion) but she likes to tease (not like "being a tease" but give attention and talk sexual at times). She drew a picture of a penis when team working with me, she did a little drawing of it in my notebook and when I did like "hey" but a "what is that?? or WTF?" kind of "hey", she took her eraser and removed it but she laughed and it was funny. She likes to tease but she wouldn't date me I guess.... except that she stares at me sometimes... I am pretty sure she finds me handsome but she is just teasing but still, sometimes I wonder. She never gave me some real signals and she is not like after me or anything. We are only 4 guys in our 20 people class. We are in social work class. I think that among these guys, she finds me to be the cutest of us 4 and that's why I catch her staring at me. Sorry about the "cutest of us 4" etc. I am not the kind to think highly of myself and say stuff like that but in that case, I think I can see why she stares at me sometimes. I think her mind is thinking "sex" pretty often so that is why she teases and stares but I do believe she is a beautiful, faithful woman to marry. I wish her the best with her boyfriend! SO anyway, I'm no good at understanding signals sent, whether it is friendly or flirting. I don't know if you meant that you could not differentiate because you can't see body language on boards/chats or if it is an issue in the every day life, as it is in my case! With my low self-esteem, I ALWAYS believe that things are said friendly and never as flirting because girls usually don't want to flirt with guys like my in my opinion! That thinking has been reinforced in elementary school and has remained since, being a bit the laughing stock of some girls who thought too highly of themselves! Anyway, thanks for you post seeking777!


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Most guys with any class aren't going to just walk up and intrude on a lady - if you don't show any interest only the low lifes are going to feel aggressive enough to force themselves on you.


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## zoslow (Jun 2, 2014)

The times I've had some flirts or a date it has always been the girl that initiated it. It doesn't work for me to initiate it because girls I come on to has never been interested in me.


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## inane (Oct 21, 2013)

Yeah, it didn't work for me  I've never felt so strongly for a crush before so I decided to try... And he'd often make eye contact with these wide blue eyes and a sweet smile. He wasn't a jerk at my approaching him or anything- he was actually as I thought he was, soft-spoken and gentlemanly. 

Feel really heartbroken over it, and not doing it again. I'm glad I did, just so I can say I did, but the hurt isn't worth it. I haven't felt this kind of bad feelings before.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

My response to this age old question is- why wouldn't it work? I mean, I've not heard a single guy ever say a girl talking them is unattractive. I think, the case with some women (not necessarily you OP) is that they tried approaching a guy they liked once or twice, failed and assumed it never works, which, of course is wrong. Not to compare genders, but when guys initiate things, they're not always successful either, so the same rules just apply to girls as well.

Or it's the stereotype that initiating as a woman comes off as desperate. It doesn't. That is all.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

Not if the guy is too shy to approach and open a convo or is too shy/clueless to do anything when she talks to him and sends him signals.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Ntln said:


> My response to this age old question is- why wouldn't it work? I mean, I've not heard a single guy ever say a girl talking them is unattractive. I think, the case with some women (not necessarily you OP) is that they tried approaching a guy they liked once or twice, failed and assumed it never works, which, of course is wrong. Not to compare genders, but when guys initiate things, they're not always successful either, so the same rules just apply to girls as well.
> 
> Or it's the stereotype that initiating as a woman comes off as desperate. It doesn't. That is all.


This right here. It makes so much sense. Thank you one wise beyond your years. Okay, don't mind my humor. But for real, I appreciate everyone's advice/perspectives but this really clears it up for me. Just because a few guys you initiated with didn't reciprocate doesn't mean none will. It's seems so obvious but someone had to tell me before I got it.

Also, anytime someone says or writes "that is all" it makes me laugh. I don't know why I find it so funny.


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## Saral (May 14, 2014)

Most guys find it flattering when a woman is showing interest in them. Even if they are not interested in that particular woman. It's happened to me a couple of times and every time it made me feel great for the next few days. Feeling wanted is a very nice feeling.

Also, if the guy is not reacting to your flirting, the are a lot of reasons why that might be. He may simply be too anxious, like me. He may look like he doesnt care but there's a good change he'll be smiling for the rest of the day when he gets home.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

I have no doubt it could work... but for me personally I'd always wonder, even if it'd work out in my favor, that the guy would just be going along with it because of no other options and not because they'd actually want to be with ME, they'd just want a fling or relationship with anyone.
So in a way the worst part wouldn't to be rejected, but to always worry that the guy wouldn't want me the same way I'd like him if we got together.

Idunnohavingabadday/night/life.


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## stardust2014 (Feb 2, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> How do I even do this........I've been miserable for months now over this specific issue.......I've had a crush on the same girl for three or four years but I have never even approached her........its pathetic....she doesn't even know I exist


boy, you better do it. i loveeeeeeee shy guys and as outgoing as i am, i just don't want to do the approaching. what you can do is not directly approach her, but make sure you are really obvious in your behavior and in how you look at her: so she knows you like her. And make sure to be around her like all the time, when you think you've given her enough clues, give a couple more. And then she will naturally make it happen. But again, make sure you are SUPER OBVIOUS in your behavior that you like her. SUPER OBVIOUS. <3


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## stardust2014 (Feb 2, 2014)

lunarc said:


> I think it would be pretty amazing if girls made the first move. I think its especially important if you like a guy who has social anxiety. They are likely to be scared of rejection or are too nervous to make the first move. It would suck to miss out on the 'one' because both parties were too chicken.


ok, how my dear? I've come on this forum to find out. I find it sooooo hard to approach guys with social anxiety (even though I ONLY like guys with social anxiety). It is like the greatest puzzle in the world for me.


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## JohnWalnut (May 2, 2012)

My rationale is that if a guy likes a girl, he will be the first one to ask her out, so if he doesn't, he's either too shy to ask her out, or simply doesn't like her. That's probably why it doesn't work out often.


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## donzen (May 13, 2014)

Stilla said:


> I have no doubt it could work... but for me personally I'd always wonder, even if it'd work out in my favor, that the guy would just be going along with it because of no other options and not because they'd actually want to be with ME, they'd just want a fling or relationship with anyone.
> So in a way the worst part wouldn't to be rejected, but to always worry that the guy wouldn't want me the same way I'd like him if we got together.
> 
> Idunnohavingabadday/night/life.


Now change the roles, how would the guys feel if they think like this?


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## Saral (May 14, 2014)

Stilla said:


> I have no doubt it could work... but for me personally I'd always wonder, even if it'd work out in my favor, that the guy would just be going along with it because of no other options and not because they'd actually want to be with ME, they'd just want a fling or relationship with anyone.
> So in a way the worst part wouldn't to be rejected, but to always worry that the guy wouldn't want me the same way I'd like him if we got together.
> 
> Idunnohavingabadday/night/life.


This is a very strange attitude to have. How would you know that he has no other options? If he wants to be in a relationship with you then he obviously likes you. No-ones want's to be with a person they don't like.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

Saral said:


> This is a very strange attitude to have. How would you know that he has no other options? If he wants to be in a relationship with you then he obviously likes you. *No-ones want's to be with a person they don't like.*


It's called settling. And it happens a lot.


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## pentagonman (Mar 10, 2014)

Stilla said:


> It's called settling. And it happens a lot.


This happens to men a lot more than women. Looking at your comment it seems this is a SA way to rationalise not going for someone you like. To me if I want someone and they reject or settle for me is better than never going for it.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

^ I agree with you that this is a part of my irrational thinking, but really. How do you know it happens more to men more than women. Statistics? Source?


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## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

Stilla said:


> I have no doubt it could work... but for me personally I'd always wonder, even if it'd work out in my favor, that the guy would just be going along with it because of no other options and not because they'd actually want to be with ME, they'd just want a fling or relationship with anyone.
> So in a way the worst part wouldn't to be rejected, but to always worry that the guy wouldn't want me the same way I'd like him if we got together.


Just curious, couldn't the exact same thing be true even if the guy was the one asking you out? How would you know he didn't just "settle" for asking you out?

Or would you feel more confident about the situation because he pursued you?


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## pentagonman (Mar 10, 2014)

Stilla said:


> ^ I agree with you that this is a part of my irrational thinking, but really. How do you know it happens more to men more than women. Statistics? Source?


Ok so I did some research and found some information pointing away from my conclusion. So I will apologize for stating my opinion as fact.

nomnomnom CROW nomnomnom 

I found nothing conclusive about whom settles more, but here is what I found.

"two-thirds of contemporary divorces are initiated by women" and "boys are taught that marriage is about "settling down" while girls are taught that marriage is about finding enduring fulfillment. And it's obvious who has the higher set of expectations."
from http://www.alternet.org/story/149767/are_men_more_likely_to_settle_for_a_dull_relationship

"Of the survey's 5,000 respondents, 31 per cent of men, compared to 23 per cent of women, admitted they would consider marrying someone who 'has everything they are looking for in a partner' but with whom they weren't in love."

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...-marry-woman-NOT-love-with.html#ixzz383qgtSHJ 
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

seeking777 said:


> So I'm not asking about whether girls should or should not make the first move on guys. That is a dead horse that we will not be beating. I want to hear from any girls who _showed interest_ in a guy first through, you know, flirting and actually got a date out of it. How did you get up the gumption to actually say something first? Guys, have you dated or are you dating a girl who showed interest first? Again, I don't mean asked you out or for your number. I mean she initiated the first convo or starting flirting first.


Almost all my relationships that started in real life were started by the woman flirting, the most common way is we start just joking about and having fun then they start putting me down a lot but in a joking way, then it goes on to physical things like tripping me up or standing in my way on purpose so I have to physically move them, slapping my butt etc. once that line has been crossed it's pretty much a done deal in my experience. I also had one girl that skipped the whole flirting bit and just started stroking my hair then running her hands over my chest, kissing my neck etc. I've had a few that asked me out on a date the old fashioned way, with no previous flirting.

This was all at work, so not sure how things work outside of work.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Yeah grab em by the balls and say " lets go " ...get some ice-cream


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

Stilla said:


> I have no doubt it could work... but for me personally I'd always wonder, even if it'd work out in my favor, that the guy would just be going along with it because of no other options and not because they'd actually want to be with ME, they'd just want a fling or relationship with anyone.
> So in a way the worst part wouldn't to be rejected, but to always worry that the guy wouldn't want me the same way I'd like him if we got together.
> 
> Idunnohavingabadday/night/life.


But it's fine for the guy to always have to wonder if you actually wanted to be with him or just settled?


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## SpiderInTheCorner (Aug 10, 2014)

girls are good at flirting and letting the guy know they want to be approached and guys are the ones who initiate. if everybody sticks to their roles there will be less confusion.


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

Schmosby said:


> But it's fine for the guy to always have to wonder if you actually wanted to be with him or just settled?


Of course


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

^unrelated but is that lapras having an orgasm

edit; nvm was thinking of this


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

I actually have no idea were it's from, and from my detective skills using google it seems like others are wondering the same thing... The secrecy of it's origin is part of it's beauty and magic, in a way I think it's been missing from all of our lives.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

looks a little sketchy tbh

am curious whats happening in the cropped off bottom

i'm guessing another dolphin making the exact same face


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## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

nooo don't ruin it for me! :lol


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## ByStorm (Oct 22, 2013)

I've never experienced such miracles. I think I may have a terrible case of b**** face


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I've dated girls who initiated. I've known couples where the girl initiated. I've watched female coworkers initiate with men and get their number. I've had conversations with women about the best way to get some guy's attention. In my experience, the only difference between men and women initiating is that men are more likely to do it. The outcomes seem to be pretty much identical. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.


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## Violet Romantic (Aug 3, 2014)

I've actually initiated things with everyone I've dated except for one person. This relates to another thread I just recently replied to. I kind of always need to be in control, so I like to do the initiating. I actually never trust people who try to initiate things with me. I always think they must have some ulterior motive or that they're teasing me. Or that must be something wrong with them. :lol

The one person I dated who initiated things with me was someone who was a friend before we dated, so I wasn't too suspicious or untrusting. :b


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