# Beauty vs. Brains



## Tragito (Jul 24, 2009)

Hello. I don’t really post much (especially in a ‘relationship’ section) but I’m very curious about something.

Honestly, when it comes to meeting women, I’m the type of guy that falls for looks. I’m very attracted to beauty, to the point that there needs to be a physical attraction in order to for me to even consider being in a relationship with someone. 

But I want to change that about me. And it’s very hard. I want to be able to fall in love with someone’s personality, as oppose to their looks. I’ve found out that relationships based on physical attractions turn out horrible (at least for me). And now I want to be understood, and to love someone for who they are.

But when I find someone with a great personality, I’m hardly ever physically attracted to them. I can talk and hang out with them like friends, but I can’t seem to get romantically involved with them. I want to be attracted to them, but it just won’t happen.

But when I’m walking down the street, and I see a Ms. Gorgeous passing by, then all of a sudden, without even knowing them, I’m ready to give my heart to them as soon as they ask for it. And it’s annoying that my mind and body are so attracted to what I see, instead of what’s on the inside.

I’ve basically given up on finding both. I just don’t think there’s someone out there that I’m attracted to both inside and out. No ones perfect. And it seems like I have to choose.

So my first question is for those who have found that special someone in their lives:

Did your partner’s physical attraction matter to you at first? Did you get over it?

Was there some kind of time period that needed to pass in order for you to love someone for who they were, as oppose to their looks?

And for everyone else:

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? Or is there something wrong with me?


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## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

First off looks don't last,especially if you plan on growing old with that person.For me number one is the person inside,if you don't fall in love with who a person really is its not going to last long.In others words,I'm not sold on pretty packaging.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

I'll be pretty frank. I couldn't be with someone who I didn't consider physically attractive. I'm not say she has to be a supermodel but what I like: a little woman, with a skinny built with darker skin. Maybe that's my problem, but I have pretty high standards. She has to have the right combination of brains and beauty. I had that once and unfortunately it f-ed up my perception because to this day, I still consider her the perfect woman. She wasn't perfect at all, but the way she made me feel, she sent me straight to the sky. 

You'll meet that someone eventually. Nothing wrong with you. This fall for someone who you don't think is attractive is fallacy. I'd rather be alone than act or be fake in order to be with someone or have someone do it to me.


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## marenubium87 (Jan 11, 2009)

^^What he said.

I couldn't be with someone that I didn't think was at least cute. I think most guys feel the same way; it's just how our minds work. I also agree that she's got to have smarts; I guess the problem there is you can't determine that within the first five seconds of seeing someone.

But in short, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Or, if there is, then there's something wrong with 50% of the population.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

What I have found is that the more I like someone's personality, the more physically attractive they become.

I am definitely someone who is attracted to personality over looks. I can see a good looking guy walking down the street and acknowledge that he is attractive, but I have no desire to meet him. The guy that I really get along with, that I can laugh with and be a huge dork around though, slowly becomes more and more attractive to me as I get to know him.

I can't really explain it, I guess my appreciation for their personality just washes over into their looks.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Nothing at all wrong with you, we all acknowledge looks, even if it's not the only thing we really care about in a mate. Looks are what you see first. You can't see a personality from across the room, unfortunately.

Now, while I certainly appreciate looks, I've learned that what is beautiful, whatever you consider beautiful, is not always good and what is ugly, whatever you may consider ugly, is not always bad. This doesn't mean all beautiful people are horrible or that all 'ugly' people are good, but from my experience, that's what I've run into most of the time.
I'd much rather focus on the inner person because once looks fade, there needs to be something there that connects you and makes you still want to be with, around, and in love with that person. And, with me, the more I like someone's personality, the more beautiful to me they become. I know some people say personality/inner being is only part of it, but if they don't have a good personality and their inner self isn't good, they aren't worth my notice, no matter how good they may look. The personality is the biggest thing to me. Looks come second.


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## liarsclub (Aug 23, 2008)

It seems somewhat biological. Men seem to have a harder time getting beyond surface stuff then women. I don't know if it's biology or environment, but it seems pretty hard wired.

People like who they like. There's not much you can do about it. Trying to force yourself to like people you're not attracted to just won't work.


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## Aurora (Feb 27, 2009)

Iced Soul said:


> Nothing at all wrong with you, we all acknowledge looks, even if it's not the only thing we really care about in a mate. Looks are what you see first. You can't see a personality from across the room, unfortunately.
> 
> Now, while I certainly appreciate looks, I've learned that what is beautiful, whatever you consider beautiful, is not always good and what is ugly, whatever you may consider ugly, is not always bad. This doesn't mean all beautiful people are horrible or that all 'ugly' people are good, but from my experience, that's what I've run into most of the time.
> I'd much rather focus on the inner person because once looks fade, there needs to be something there that connects you and makes you still want to be with, around, and in love with that person. And, with me, the more I like someone's personality, the more beautiful to me they become. I know some people say personality/inner being is only part of it, but if they don't have a good personality and their inner self isn't good, they aren't worth my notice, no matter how good they may look. The personality is the biggest thing to me. Looks come second.


:agree Well said.

My partner is balding, wears glasses, has a pot belly, drives a beige bomb with a penis for an aerial and he thinks hes ugly. But to me, he gets more attractive to me everyday!


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## Drachasor (Aug 23, 2009)

Perfectionist said:


> What I have found is that the more I like someone's personality, the more physically attractive they become.


I'm like this about girls. A woman with a great personality and brains would have to be pretty darn hideous on the outside for me to not find them attractive (to the point where I would find it physically difficult to look at them). "Pretty" girls who are stupid or mean are actually pretty ugly to me. I'm a little odd too in that kindness makes a girl pretty hot, and I don't mean a girl just being nice to me, but being a good person to others in general.


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## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Drachasor said:


> I'm like this about girls. A woman with a great personality and brains would have to be pretty darn hideous on the outside for me to not find them attractive (to the point where I would find it physically difficult to look at them). "Pretty" girls who are stupid or mean are actually pretty ugly to me. I'm a little odd too in that kindness makes a girl pretty hot, and I don't mean a girl just being nice to me, but being a good person to others in general.


What he said. But then we all have different definitions of what being a good person is too.

I think the most important thing is to like who you want to like and not worry about what anyone else thinks, because they don't see the world the same way as you do.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Well I've only met gf's online so I got to know them first and I liked them before I met them. I guess they would be seen as being below average looks, but that was never a problem because they were great people.

In real life I am a little judgemental when I see people though. I guess because I don't talk to people it is all I have to go on.

I disagree with anyoone that says it's biological, it's definitely sociological. What is deemed to be attractive has changed heaps over time. We can definitely exert choice over how much we let it affect us.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

Perfectionist said:


> What I have found is that the more I like someone's personality, the more physically attractive they become.
> 
> I am definitely someone who is attracted to personality over looks. I can see a good looking guy walking down the street and acknowledge that he is attractive, but I have no desire to meet him. The guy that I really get along with, that I can laugh with and be a huge dork around though, slowly becomes more and more attractive to me as I get to know him.
> 
> I can't really explain it, I guess my appreciation for their personality just washes over into their looks.


ditto.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I only care about looks. I've never met a girl that has given me reason to care about anything else. Sorry, but it's true.


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## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

That sucks that we have all become so shallow.At this point be good to me and I'll be good to you.I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I go for looks and personality. It's true that personality does go a long way in making a woman look good, but it doesn't go that far. I know women who are physically attractive but whose personalities are lacking, and women who I get along with great, but who I don't find physically attractive. I call them friends.

Frankly I don't see why being attracted to looks is demonized so much (and often men in particular are demonized for it). I wouldn't even call it shallow. To me, looks are just as valid a characteristic to be attracted to as personality. After all, we are more than our minds; we are also our bodies, and so why not be attracted to the whole package? Besides, it seems to me that personality can be faked just as easily if not more so than looks (just see any pickup artist in action). Really, I would want my girlfriend to like my personalty AND to be physically attracted to me.

We are all human; we (both men and women) have certain preferences that are outside our ability to control or even understand them. Therefore, those preferences are beyond our ability to judge them because we can't properly understand them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for liking women with certain physical characteristics, it's just the way you (and I) are.


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## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Everybody always seems to forget that brains and personality fade too. I've always preferred a combination of all three though.


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## Freedom2010 (Jan 29, 2009)

Perfectionist said:


> What I have found is that the more I like someone's personality, the more physically attractive they become.
> 
> I am definitely someone who is attracted to personality over looks. I can see a good looking guy walking down the street and acknowledge that he is attractive, but I have no desire to meet him. The guy that I really get along with, that I can laugh with and be a huge dork around though, slowly becomes more and more attractive to me as I get to know him.
> 
> I can't really explain it, I guess my appreciation for their personality just washes over into their looks.


:agree

I believe personality is so much more important than looks.

The thing I want most in a relationship is a real connection with someone. You can not judge how well that connection will form soley based upon someone's looks. I do appreciate hot guys and I would never go out with someone I thought was physically unattractive, but looks are not the only thing that matters to me.

I think it is so shallow when people judge whether or not they want to be in a relationship with someone based soley upon looks. Beauty is such a disposable thing. There are so many good looking people out there and if people use beauty as their only judement of who they want to be in a relationship with, it means they can be just as attracted to you as they can to someone else.

That just makes people seem like disposable objects. I would so much rather have relationships based upon personality, because everyone's personality is unique.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

Freedom2010 said:


> :agree


^Agree =-----> Ditto for me


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

Personally I've met gals who's looks were very nice but whom after speaking with I wanted nothing to do with at all. For me there needs to a balance between the 2. The only way I could ever see the looks only approach working for anyone is if their end goal is a fling not a relationship. I also agree with those who say that a personality that grows on you brings out the best of the physical aspects of that person as well


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

andy1984 said:


> I disagree with anyoone that says it's biological, it's definitely sociological. What is deemed to be attractive has changed heaps over time. We can definitely exert choice over how much we let it affect us.


i've often wondered how much the attraction to someone is based on the effect they would have on your social status. like if society values some certain characteristics, then your brain thinks, yeah that's what i want! so as fashion changes over the years, you get attracted to different things.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

I think that fashion and looks change but not whether those fashions and looks appeal to people... I personally still hate olive green, burnt orange and mustard yellow as much now as I did when they were -in style. I still hate afros and permed hair on men (regardless of race) now as much as I did in the 70s, a 6' tall/stick thin man still isn't for me now anymore than it was when I was 17 and neither is the body builder muscle man or the football linebacker, I have loved long hair, as long as it is clean and well kept, on men from the time I was very young to this day, which is odd because I also like the receding hairline look as long as guys don't immediately shave their heads once the hair starts to go. I guess because I have never been a social butterfly that the above comment may not apply for me but I am sure for some women it would. For me the only thing that would matter is that a guy isn't a total jerk to other people or to me when he was with me, he can not be arrogant or rude. SA is hard enough alone without someone you are with putting you in situations that make it worse.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

I think looks count to a certain degree. a lot of guys I found very average on first sight were sexy once I got to know their personalities. I'm like the poster who said that I can acknowledge a good looking man on the street but I don't really want to meet him.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Thomas Paine said:


> Everybody always seems to forget that brains and personality fade too. I've always preferred a combination of all three though.


While I somewhat agree with this, looks usually fade much quicker and more drastically.



Futures said:


> I only care about looks. I've never met a girl that has given me reason to care about anything else. Sorry, but it's true.


Never? I find that surprising that you care about nothing other than looks. So, she could be a completely crude, idiotic, heartless b***h, who doesn't give a flip about anyone else, but as long as she looks good, it's okay?

I'm not coming down on what you think, but it's just hard to believe. Maybe you haven't met a girl who has made you care, yet, but it could happen.


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## Banzai (Jun 4, 2009)

Tragito said:


> Hello. I don't really post much (especially in a 'relationship' section) but I'm very curious about something.
> 
> Honestly, when it comes to meeting women, I'm the type of guy that falls for looks. I'm very attracted to beauty, to the point that there needs to be a physical attraction in order to for me to even consider being in a relationship with someone.
> 
> ...


I think if you give it time, you may eventually as personality is something that takes time whilst looks is the complete opposite.


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## EagerMinnow84 (Sep 1, 2007)

Tragito said:


> But when I find someone with a great personality, I'm hardly ever physically attracted to them. I can talk and hang out with them like friends, but I can't seem to get romantically involved with them. I want to be attracted to them, but it just won't happen.


This here, is why I will never find a boyfriend.


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## whiterabbit (Jan 20, 2006)

Whenever I'm romantically attracted to a brain whose owner doesn't exactly look like [insert good-looking celebrity's name here], there's always a romantic physical attraction in place. Whether this is because their personality is so great that they've become more attractive than I would superficially find them in a photograph, or because their looks aren't below a standard I subconsciously have which would make it impossible for me to become romantically attracted to their brain in the first place, I don't know. Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter. Attraction isn't a conscious choice. It's not something that there's any point being proud or ashamed of. Unless you have an unrealistic ideal in mind you shouldn't have a problem.


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## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

Eager,I wish you didn't feel this way,the only time when things become hopeless is when you stop believing. I haven't stop believing,I refuse to surrender,as lone as I'm still breathing I'm going to keep fighting.You're still young and have plenty of time to find your soul-mate,so don't pressure yourself and whoever they are,they better treat you right because you deserve it.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Iced Soul said:


> Never? I find that surprising that you care about nothing other than looks. So, she could be a completely crude, idiotic, heartless b***h, who doesn't give a flip about anyone else, but as long as she looks good, it's okay?


Well an attractive girl with no personality sounds better to me than an ugly girl with no personality.

From what I observe, men and women are quite different from one another interest-wise. I have no idea what most couples have in common.



> I'm not coming down on what you think, but it's just hard to believe. Maybe you haven't met a girl who has made you care, yet, but it could happen.


Perhaps, but I'm not counting on it.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Futures said:


> Well an attractive girl with no personality sounds better to me than an ugly girl with no personality.
> 
> From what I observe, men and women are quite different from one another interest-wise. I have no idea what most couples have in common.
> 
> Perhaps, but I'm not counting on it.


Probably. But I mean, if the ugly girl has a personality, obviously. Unless you just never find girls with a personality.
Yeah, I agree, men and women are usually quite different. I'm guessing most couples have something in common, most likely something in their personalities or interests.

And wow. You're not counting on it.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Futures said:


> Well an attractive girl with no personality sounds better to me than an ugly girl with no personality.


To be fair, 'no personality' is a neutral characteristic and 'ugly' is negative... maybe it would be fairer to compare the attractive no-personality girl to a plain girl with personality, or make the attractive girl have a vindictive/skanky personality. I think I'd choose the plain girl, and I think most others would too.


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## IThinkIAmMe (Aug 18, 2009)

can`t I have some of both?
I wouldn`t want them to be SMARTER than me, but I would like to be as or close to as smart as I am
and I certainly wouldn`t mind if they weren`t hideous....I`m not asking for too much, maybe nice eyes or something?


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

andy1984 said:


> To be fair, 'no personality' is a neutral characteristic and 'ugly' is negative... maybe it would be fairer to compare the attractive no-personality girl to a plain girl with personality, or make the attractive girl have a vindictive/skanky personality. I think I'd choose the plain girl, and I think most others would too.


I'd still choose the attractive skank. If someone isn't attractive, then I'd never be able to look at them as anything more than an acquaintance. But to be romantically involved, the physical element HAS TO be there.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Futures said:


> I'd still choose the attractive skank. If someone isn't attractive, then I'd never be able to look at them as anything more than an acquaintance. *But to be romantically involved, the physical element HAS TO be there.*


No one is arguing that, but it's just weird that you'd rather have a skanky beautiful girl over a good plain girl.

Of course, everyone differs on things.


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## CarlitoBrigante (Oct 29, 2006)

It's got to be some combination of both. Pretty and dumb and smart and ugly aren't going to work for anyone I know. Personality is also a third factor. Smart and pretty won't help if someone's a total b*tch or assh*le. Unless you like those traits, of course


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

A girl's look gets my attention. Her personality keeps it.


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## Tragito (Jul 24, 2009)

Just Lurking said:


> A girl's look gets my attention. Her personality keeps it.


Excellent... I really like this. Clever and concise.:clap


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Looks definitely have an impact on me, but if a good-looking guy turns out to be a jerk or an idiot, I suddenly find him much less attractive.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Ever tried courting a girl that was both a beauty and a genius, but was being such an arrogant !...? about her own good fortune .. that you wanted to leave. 

I think i have a fairly wide range of what i find attractive physically. However, it pisses me off when I encounter a girl and she begins to act arrogant about her good looks and/or intelligence.


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## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

VIncymon said:


> Ever tried courting a girl that was both a beauty and a genius, but was being such an arrogant !...? about her own good fortune .. that you wanted to leave.
> 
> I think i have a fairly wide range of what i find attractive physically. However, it pisses me off when I encounter a girl and she begins to act arrogant about her good looks and/or intelligence.


I see exactly where your coming from.I was in a relationship with a very intelligent girl or was also very pretty.We got along well for awhile,mostly because we were both seemingly matched when it came to intellect,we could sit and have endless conversations the type where you lose track of time.But,I felt a certain arrogance from her about looks.As if,she where somehow better then me.This didn't make any sense,because once again we were both evenly matched.A relationship shouldn't be a competition,it should be a mutual partnership of love and trust.


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## MissChocolateMilkshake (Jul 25, 2004)

To Me Looks and Personality/Smartness is basically equal to me. I have to be physically attracted to the guy. Thats the first thing you look at is his looks and style. Of course once you get to know that person as a whole, than you see if he/she is the right person for you. 

I basically dated ugly guys my whole life, execpt for maybe 2 guys who was cute/good looking. Basically, I wanted to get to know them as a person, but I really could only see that I was not physically attracted to them. I still gave them a chance because people say looks dont matter. But they treated me bad anyway, so I might as well get with someone I am physically attracted too. Its rare to get a Man who you are physically attracted too and mentally as well.


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## kos (May 19, 2009)

Thomas Paine said:


> Everybody always seems to forget that brains and personality fade too. I've always preferred a combination of all three though.


yes good point. Looks overtake personality in some people. People change. I blame the media.


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## detweiler (Aug 2, 2009)

Tragito said:


> I'm very attracted to beauty, to the point that there needs to be a physical attraction in order to for me to even consider being in a relationship with someone.
> 
> But I want to change that about me.


NOOOOOO!! You might as well be wishing to change your need to breathe in oxygen, or your attraction to water on a hot day. If you're a straight male, you're going to be attracted to beautiful women and that's perfectly natural. For better or worse, it's a biological fact that female physical beauty is our number one concern in selecting a mate. You are not going to change that. And in my opinion you shouldn't try, because there are so many girls out there with awesome personalities AND the kind of body you'd appreciate, whatever that may be. Particularly in your city, man -- get out and meet them! Easier said than done, I know ..... my point is you shouldn't run away from your desire for feminine beauty. Never settle, especially on something this important. Keep looking for something all-around great!


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## Drachasor (Aug 23, 2009)

detweiler said:


> NOOOOOO!! You might as well be wishing to change your need to breathe in oxygen, or your attraction to water on a hot day. If you're a straight male, you're going to be attracted to beautiful women and that's perfectly natural. For better or worse, it's a biological fact that female physical beauty is our number one concern in selecting a mate. You are not going to change that. And in my opinion you shouldn't try, because there are so many girls out there with awesome personalities AND the kind of body you'd appreciate, whatever that may be. Particularly in your city, man -- get out and meet them! Easier said than done, I know ..... my point is you shouldn't run away from your desire for feminine beauty. Never settle, especially on something this important. Keep looking for something all-around great!


Number one for you maybe. Personally I don't work that way. I'm not saying I don't appreciate some nice physical features (well, mostly when I am single, when I am in a good relationship I honestly don't give much of a damn about what other women look like), but if there are no brains or personality there, then the women is totally uninteresting. Now, different people probably are wired various ways in regard to this, but I'd be wary of making any remarks like "most/all guys are like X" unless you have some solid research to back it up. From my understanding about twin studies, people are pretty flexible with who they fall in love with (identical twins reared apart can have fairly wildly different mates, even while they tend to gravitate towards similar jobs and have many other similarities).


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