# Concerns



## melancholyscorpio (Aug 14, 2015)

What are your concerns about being in a relationship?

My main concern is being called ugly and worrying that my partner might resent me because of it.

They might love me for my personality but I worry about being introduced to their family and friends. I worry they will judge me and laugh at me behind my back.

I worry that my SO will be embarrassed by me. Having to witness people's reaction towards me. People tend to look away when they talk to me. They tend to look disgusted.

I had a falling out with a woman I met online and I met her when I went to America. She said my family said you're ugly and I should have listened to them and not liked you.

My fear became true.


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## CantGoOn (May 19, 2021)

Most people are ugly and still manage to find happy relationships. If there are any signs that a specific person is untrustworthy or thinks of you as ugly, never meet them. There are so many other people out there who will like you. And if not, then so be it. Better alone than with someone who makes you unhappy.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I can't have sex so that's a pretty big problem. I don't find most people attractive. I don't really have any attractive traits just kind of a potato. Lots of unattractive traits too. I barely feel Human because of my sexuality really.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I guess I have certain kinds of concerns, but they're irrelevant because no one would ever date me anyway.


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## Tetragammon (Jun 2, 2015)

Mainly trust issues I guess. But not in terms of cheating or whatever -- I don't think I'd mind as long as they didn't ditch me afterwards. I'd always suspect that they're only with me to get money, or steal my stuff, or get free rides or meals or whatever. I mean my family is far from rich but I actually have savings unlike a lot of people nowadays, and my car is fairly nice.

Plus I'd hate feeling obligated to spend time with someone when I don't want to. I need a LOT of "me time" and that wouldn't be fair to someone else. I don't like being touched so that'd probably be another big issue, plus the fact that I wouldn't ever plan to give up porn entirely even if I did find a partner. 

But none of this matters because no one has ever reciprocated my attention before, and I'm done even bothering.


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## snow_drop (May 15, 2021)

melancholyscorpio said:


> She said my family said you're ugly and I should have listened to them and not liked you.


what's that supposed to mean? she should stop liking you because her parents think you're ugly??? that makes no sense
and don't be so concerned with your looks. yes, they matter for most people, but they're not the only thing that matters. 
And you say it your self that:


melancholyscorpio said:


> They might love me for my personality


which sounds like you think you have a nice personality. so you have that going for you. you most likely have qualities that other people don't.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Whenever these threads come up, I kind of feel like I shouldn't even post in them because when it comes to this particular topic, I really pretty much feel like an actual alien. Like I don't even belong on this planet and that I am not even of the same species as people who do relationships.

Nobody wants me and nobody would want me. And honestly, it would just be weird if anyone did. There is absolutely nothing desirable about me and nothing advantageous for someone about having me in their life. I could only ever cost people money and ruin their life and make them hate me and want me gone.

So, to answer this question would require me to mentally put myself in the head of someone I couldn't possibly be no matter how hard I tried.


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## Known (May 9, 2021)

I think when I read this that you are maybe being too critical of yourself and that there is no need to be. That being said I do it myself I’m too shy don’t know how to talk to a guy. I don’t think I’m attractive either and I’d be worried I’d bore the guy coz I’m too quiet. There’s always good things about people though and it’s easier to focus on the negative sometimes. It’s none of the family’s business and I’m sorry that happened to you. Just keep trying and in a way that’s better as it would have been bad if that’s their families attitude for you to be in the relationship anyway. Also why was the woman saying that to you that her family said that ! She doesn’t sound that nice either so better off without I’d say


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## Findyourself777 (Jun 12, 2021)

I’m currently in a relationship but so far my main concerns are the notions of conjoining both lives together and meshing both lifestyles together. I’m an introvert by nature and need space and alone time whereas she needs me. And then the getting used to sacrificing things you usually love doing for things you normally wouldn’t do. It’s all a matter of routine, I suppose. I just have to keep telling myself that.


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## Greenmacaron (Jul 20, 2019)

My concern is they will get bored of me or they will cheat on me. I'm fearful of relationships because I worry it will be a waste of time and emotions loving and caring about someone who just throws it back in your face and makes you look like an idiot.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

i'm too high maintenance and boring and my interest in people is pretty on and off (and then i need space). but yeah that's a problem of the past because no one (that i would be/am interested in) is interested anymore and i'm not really willing to try to make them interested. there just aren't any interesting people anymore.

even in the shorter term, having people over to where i live, its pretty desolate and i sleep on the floor etc. its just not comfortable. like a year ago i had a date come here and then she never contacted me again lol. which was also because of the problem of not being super interested so i didn't really say much for a while and it was quite awkward.

as interested as i am in sex, i find people very off putting, unless i know them somewhat. but then the people i dated in recent history, dating them was also quite off putting.

also i don't want to give up narrative control. i have ideological commitments (especially antinatalism). once they find out, they will probably leave. because of that, or the other things. or i would leave them because i would have difficulty managing my feelings and cast expectations onto them and not be able to adjust my behavior.

also, people quite annoyingly change at random times. what they believe now they forget about tomorrow. their behaviors, they can get tired of things, of sex, of me, of our routines. of the things i rely on to manage my feelings. i want a partner that is old and set in their ways and will never change. young people change too much.

which is not to mention even that inevitably one of you will die, even if everything else is going so well. which is also somewhat concerning. at least alone, death is just the end and bothers no one. but if there's someone that relies on you, death isn't really the end anymore. you'd have to think of what will happen to them after. or if my partner dies (supposing i had one), how would i cope?


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## Cool Ice Dude55 (Jan 7, 2014)

My concerns are that I don't have any tolerance for people's sh***y behavior. and people are filled with sh***y behavior. so i feel like i wouldn't be able to put up with someone.


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## Known (May 9, 2021)

My concerns are I might not have a relationship because I lack the social skills to form one and not attractive / interesting enough . If I did end up in one which I’m 36 and no one has showed much interest so far albeit my options are limited because I want someone to share my faith then I’d be worried they would get bored of me because I’m too quiet. I suppose I’m getting help with the anxiety now so there is still hope for me though and that God will help me where I struggle.


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## Cool Ice Dude55 (Jan 7, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I can't have sex so that's a pretty big problem. I don't find most people attractive. I don't really have any attractive traits just kind of a potato. Lots of unattractive traits too. I barely feel Human because of my sexuality really.


I feel like I could have wrote this myself tbh. I have a sexual dysfunction which considerably holds my dating life back, because who wants to date someone they can't have sex with? Also, i have an ambiguous sexuality (gray asexual). and because theres no gray aces near me, I have to go for straight people. But I know if they really knew the truth about my sexuality they would want to run the other way as soon as they saw me. so it's really hard for someone like me to be in the dating jungle.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Cool Ice Dude55 said:


> I feel like I could have wrote this myself tbh. I have a sexual dysfunction which considerably holds my dating life back, because who wants to date someone they can't have sex with? Also, i have an ambiguous sexuality (gray asexual). and because theres no gray aces near me, I have to go for straight people. But I know if they really knew the truth about my sexuality they would want to run the other way as soon as they saw me. so it's really hard for someone like me to be in the dating jungle.


I don't really label that aspect of my sexuality anymore but I was questioning if I was asexual in my early 20s about a decade ago, because that's when I started experimenting with dating/relationships (only with men though,) and I knew at that point something was very wrong. I adopted the label greyasexual but people online kept thinking it was the same thing as asexual so I stopped using it, plus I have enough other confusing labels that nobody understands and it's hard to separate from my gender dysphoria surrounding sex.

I also came out to my second boyfriend about this since I was also questioning while in a relationship with him, he didn't take that well initially but then decided he was more OK with it after a short time. I broke up with him after several months because things didn't feel right and plus I wanted him to have the opportunity to see other people. Aside from a few dates he hasn't had another relationship since then either though. He wasn't particularly sexual anyway though and that's part of why I got together with him I think. He would post stuff on Facebook like 'I don't get why anyone would like sex.' 

I think he models me as asexual instead of greysexual since he brought that up at some point over the last few years, and most people online got that impression too even though it's a bit more complicated than that, also seemed to view me as bisexual which is interesting because I don't remember discussing that aspect of my sexuality with him at all but we were discussing some stuff recently and he said this:



> Yes that is prime [name] material
> You certainly don't seem to be that into what I'll call "manly men"
> Or "womanly women"
> You like someone who is hard to pin down


It's really weird though because I guess at some point I must have pointed out people I found attractive to him and just forgot. I'm also into feminine women though mostly sexually.

But yeah I'm a lot more sexual than asexual people ime and I'm also quite fetishistic and have gender dysphoria and other peculiar things going on. There was also another label that fit a bit more I think aegosexual where you're more voyeuristic I guess. So it's very complicated and a combination of things. I wish it was just one thing and straight forward because what I've noticed is that people absolutely hate complicated people and want a quick/easy solution/answer but it's not really like that.

At this point it's all rather moot anyway because my life is now too much of a mess to be able to date anyway, so first I'd have to fix all those things and that's unlikely to happen soon also.


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## PandaBearx (May 26, 2013)

I think just knowing my past. Truthfully I do see qualities in myself that I like, sure insecurities as well but I've grown more comfortable with those. I guess a concern is someone coming into my life and me trusting them only for them to betray that trust or pull the rug from beneath my feet by hurting me in a big way. This probably sounds weird but I need to build a solid relationship with myself before I decide to commit to anything serious.


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## Mousey9 (Dec 27, 2012)

My biggest concern is my personality for sure. After being a shut in and isolating myself for decades, i have a very low confidence in my looks but more importantly, personality. I don't have many life experiences, I dont have interesting stories to tell. How long can the initial attraction really last until they find me boring? I'm not hopeless and have been putting in effort to being someone worth something lately but i feel like ill always carry these insecurities.


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## Sainnot (Feb 6, 2021)

I guess they are:

Concern that she will find out that I have no friends and never socialize or go to events. It’s one thing to say “yeah I have friends but I don’t really like them” and a completely different thing to say “I have no friends”.

Also concerned that they’ll see through my confidence. I act confident and sure of myself but when I have to socialize I come off as shy and timid.


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## Shrexybae7 (Jul 7, 2021)

Sainnot said:


> I guess they are:
> 
> Concern that she will find out that I have no friends and never socialize or go to events. It’s one thing to say “yeah I have friends but I don’t really like them” and a completely different thing to say “I have no friends”.
> 
> Also concerned that they’ll see through my confidence. I act confident and sure of myself but when I have to socialize I come off as shy and timid.


I also feel the same about telling them I have "no friends" i plan to hide the fact I have no friends for as long as possible but once they find out they will lose interest and think I'm weird :/ lol


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