# A bit of insight



## DickTracy (Jul 19, 2014)

I think I just realized what the deepest cause of my SA is and knowing that has made me feel better. I wanna know what you guys think of it, and if you guys feel similar. I realized that I don't so much care about what other people think of me, and I'm not even scared of people really. To put it bluntly I just hate myself. That's probably not too different from a lot of people with SA who are insecure, but that's really my only problem: my insecurities. 

The irrational thoughts that I have on a day to day basis are so crazy and deep down I know they're not true, but of course emotions can be much stronger than logic. Even if I know other people aren't paying attention to me, I am still aware of myself. The real problem though, which is causing my insecurities is simply the fact that I have SA. 

I don't know if you guys can relate, but I feel deeply ashamed of the fact that I am anxious, nervous or self conscious because I guess I have some kind of belief that those emotions when caused by social reasons are to be frowned upon. They are somehow shameful, and put me below everyone else. It's crazy to see how irrational this way of thinking is but at the same time I do believe it. I don't mind looking weird in public, no, but i am terrified of looking awkward, nervous, and self conscious in public.people will think less of me because of that. I hope that realizing this will lead to improvements, although even just being aware makes me feel slightly happier. I'd like to know if any of you can relate to this somewhat paradoxical problem, where social anxiety causes itself. Thanks.


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## Diogenes1982 (Jun 20, 2014)

DickTracy said:


> I think I just realized what the deepest cause of my SA is and knowing that has made me feel better. I wanna know what you guys think of it, and if you guys feel similar. I realized that I don't so much care about what other people think of me, and I'm not even scared of people really. To put it bluntly I just hate myself. That's probably not too different from a lot of people with SA who are insecure, but that's really my only problem: my insecurities. The irrational thoughts that I have on a day to day basis are so crazy and deep down I know they're not true, but of course emotions can be much stronger than logic. Even if I know other people aren't paying attention to me, I am still aware of myself. The real problem though, which is causing my insecurities is simply the fact that I have SA. I don't know if you guys can relate, but I feel deeply ashamed of the fact that I am anxious, nervous or self conscious because I guess I have some kind of belief that those emotions when caused by social reasons are to be frowned upon. They are somehow shameful, and put me below everyone else. It's crazy to see how irrational this way of thinking is but at the same time I do believe it. I don't mind looking weird in public, no, but i am terrified of looking awkward, nervous, and self conscious in public.people will think less of me because of that. I hope that realizing this will lead to improvements, although even just being aware makes me feel slightly happier. I'd like to know if any of you can relate to this somewhat paradoxical problem, where social anxiety causes itself. Thanks.


I think most can relate to parts of your post, myself included. There's still a stigma associated with admitting any kind of social or behavioural privation, as we believe as a whole, that "weaknesses" will be pounced upon and used against us. Therefore we keep this secret and become very good at acting in order to try and appear normal.

Something I noticed with myself, is that if I sense someone I meet also has SA, I become unconsciously less willing to let my guard down. This must be related to the worry of a fellow SA sufferer noticing the traits and then busting open my big secret. Of course this is ridiculous, but we all know how irrational humans are at times.

Anyway, whatever the case may be, we need to accept who we are and what we're lacking, and certainly cease the self-hatred, because this only makes our anxiety even worse. Once we've done this, we can actually address the issue and start correcting it, but we need to accept our true starting point, otherwise we'll forever be stuck in the same old cycle.

Like you, I used to hate myself for having social anxiety as well, however I've since realised that many of the factors, which led to my disposition, were out of my control. Of course, I've definitely exacerbated some of these by irrational patterns of thinking, so we need to accept a modicum of resposnisbility too. But, I'm sure there are others that I'm not even aware of, which by default are even further out of my control.

For example, if reincarnation is true, maybe our SA is carried over from past lives, caused by a cumulative number of harrowing experiences being unaddressed and unresolved in our corresponding lifetimes. Or, maybe this is our first embodiment, which would explain why we find social interaction so alien at times. Would you still hate yourself if either of these were the cause of your anxiety...I hope not.

Whether you accept or refute that there's a spiritual element at play isn't the point, although personally I believe there is. What I'm saying, is that there are many unknowns that got us to the place where we are, and many things we had no control over, so don't hate yourself just because you haven't developed the necessary wisdom required to treat externals in your life with an ambivalent indifference; these are the abilities of a sage! However, that's not to say that we can't become "sage-like" in the future.


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## DickTracy (Jul 19, 2014)

Yeah, at this point I'm just going to try to determine all the facts of the matter, and rationally assess what I truly believe. I'll decide what is rational, and what isn't. Even after I get to that point I will most likely have to remind myself of it constantly because I feel like my judgement gets so impaired because of my emotions. It's not like people with SA are stupid or anything, yet we still think these really crazy.

I guess I'll just use rational thought to my advantage. One very true thing I have realized so far is that by social standards nervousness isn't something people generally Look down on. It might be a little embarrassing to display very obvious symptoms of anxiety in a public interaction, but no one dislikes someone for being anxious. They may dislike you if you don't talk to them, which would be a direct consequence of SA, but at the same time people don't automatically like others for feeling no anxiety. This might seem insignificant, or even obvious, but this is somehow one of the biggest causes of my anxiety.

Though, like I said before I will still have to address the same question for myself. Other people don't look down on social nervousness, but do I view it as a shameful act? Of course it's somewhat embarrassing, but at times I can feel deeply ashamed even when I am alone. Without a doubt this can only be caused my personal beliefs alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

You're describing a feedback loop.



> Fear is, in a sense, like an ant trail. It's an emotional response to perceived danger that guides our future behavior. When we experience something bad - in my case, the unpleasant feeling of passing out at a party - we lay down emotional memories that in future will prompt fear in the event that a similar prospect appears to be at hand. This helps us to avoid unpleasant consequences. But when we feel fear, we're not just following a trail; we're leaving one too. That is to say, fear is not just a response to aversive stimuli, but an aversive stimulus itself. And so, like an ant mill, the path of fear can double back on itself. In the grip of an anxiety attack, I wasn't fearing the party anymore, but the physical sensation of my unease.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201205/breaking-anxietys-bizarre-death-loop

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## DickTracy (Jul 19, 2014)

I read the article and was wondering, do you think what I'm specifically describing is a feedback loop or just social anxiety in general is.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

I completely understand that horrible feedback loop of being afraid of being noticeably anxious, and that fear causing anxious behavior. It's ****ing maddening! Having said that, I have found a way to cope that works well for me. It's pretty simple. Don't take yourself, or life too seriously. If you do a social faux paw, just point it out, laugh, and own it. People respect that, and move on. Don't ruminate on mistakes. Just accept whatever happens, and laugh at the situation.


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## surviving (Oct 2, 2015)

Of course, it makes sense. This negative self-worth you have about yourself is tearing you apart...I know for a fact, I often do better socially when I have a more positive mindset and much much harder when I don't. 

I know general anxiety is also a big problem with a lot of people on these forums and I was wondering if maybe exercising and doing other things you enjoy or even mindfulness might help lower your anxiety, in turn provide a better mindset when talking to people in general. 

I hope you all the best!


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

DickTracy said:


> I read the article and was wondering, do you think what I'm specifically describing is a feedback loop or just social anxiety in general is.


It's a social anxiety feedback loop. If you get burned by fire your brain learns that fire is dangerous. When you see fire your brain will send fear and anxiety signals to urge you to stay away.

If you, for whatever reason, experience anxiety in a social situation your brain will remember the negative experience and your brain will urge you to stay away.

The way out is to embrace your anxiety. Using mindfulness you allow yourself to fully feel and embrace the anxiety. Practicing this will break the feedback loop you're caught in.

Google mindfulness and acceptance.

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## DickTracy (Jul 19, 2014)

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know if you've ever felt this way before, but sometimes I am scared to do something about my SA. I kind of procrastinate about it, I guess I feel scared of trying and failing even though I desperately want a change in my life. A lot of the time I just feel worse when making an effort to fight my SA.


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