# NOT opening up to others in classroom setting..feel left out



## Halcyon (Nov 24, 2003)

If i don't put myself out there in the classroom setting (Like, ask people questions or engage in conversation) then nobody will talk to me and I guess I'd like to be part of conversations because part of me knows how good it feels to connect with other people and how natural it feels for me to talk with people so when I hold back in fear of being ridiculed or looked at strangely for what I might say, well it hurts me...I think the fear stems from past experiences in elementary school etc when I did speak out i was made fun of and ridiculed so that same fear still sits with me now that i'll somehow SCREW it up or looked at badly for what I said...and who gives a crap right, why should i worry? WELL I DO....argh

There's reached a point (I believe anyway) in the classroom setting where I think I'm making it harder to connect with the classmates who sit around me because THERE ARE GROUPS forming of friends already made so for me to jump into a conversation with 3 people chatting away seems...i don't know....FORCED, AWKWARD? ITs like here they are talking about dogs or whatever and here i come in, HEY GUYS I GOT A DOG TOO...lol like wtf?

A few classmates have gave me that "look" which sort of looks like, lets TALK or say something but my body language i suppose gives off the impression of hesitation so they also hesitate to talk to me! and there have been times when I could speak up and give some input on what was being discussed but instead gave short 1 worded YES, NO, OK (WTF is wrong with me lol) type answers then put my head back down...i feel pretty terrified of possible rejection or awkward looks if i were to throw out some long winded talk with a bunch of people I FEEL listening in and just knowing or feeling like i know this makes it harder for me to speakup because it'll feel like what i'll say sounds nervous, forced and not natural...when again WHO GIVES A **** right?

I notice when i'm able to speak comfortably and more naturally that what comes out just sounds better (clarity) and tone of my voice, its more confident so when in the back of my mind i have these thoughts of failing before i begin...DIFFICULTY RATING = HIGH! 

Ok i am noticing i am able to laugh more at my awkwardness now but still in the back of my mind, theres that lingering doubt of those past awkward and silent moments...IT won't, it can't always be like that! not with everybody! ???? I need to keep trying...

1 on 1 if nobody else was in the classroom i THINK i could do alright, It depends on how I'm feeling i guess. The problem is If i really want to make a connection with other people and possibly in the future have a real relationship with a "Lady friend" lol I can't wait for perfect one on one moments...and I have bailed a few times on the one on one moments because of fear (anticipation)...OK LETS do this, one on one...Hey HOW..asfl;jalkj;dslajf;ljasdf (Their friend walks in just as I'm about to say something)...god! WHY!!!!

So i can't wait for the perfect moment because they don't always arrive, i see people around me forming friendships, there are a few quiet students in my class still remaining (Man i sound like a stalker here) whom i could connect with and just maybe form friendships its just aghhhhh fear...fear fear...doubt....doubt....doubt.


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## Halcyon (Nov 24, 2003)

*Background:* In college, stayed home for 8-9 years as a recluse because well I guess I needed time to "find myself" and playing computer and doing nothing for so long got kinda boring and meaningless (27 now, yep back at school at 27) - taking requirements to get into NURSING (I'd like to help people, face my fears)

I do have someone i know in my math class and its GREAT she's there because i have someone to speak with but I also feel like I'm not letting others in, she's very vocal and she will talk to anyone around us which is great but I rarely jump in when she does and when I do talk with my friend I might see the person to my left or ahead of me listening in which makes me feel uncomfortable and careful with what i say but my body language i also notice doesn't allow for these other people to jump into our conversation because i can see from my peripheral vision them listening in and open to engage but I just shell in (body language) and focus on my friend talking...this gives off the impression to these other people that I don't want you joining in and part of me is scared of it but i also want them to join in so I can connect with others.

I know i'm WAYYYY over analyzing this stuffff but this is truth from my perspective and the reason why i haven't connected with anyone else in my classes (body language, hesitation, fear, doubt etc)

I do have a semi social job and the person I work with there i have made friends with, I DOUBT i would have ever talked to this type of person if I didn't work with her (And i was scared when I knew i was going to work with her because we spend 3-5 hours sometimes near each other so panic of what do i say, will she get bored with me etc) but its turned out really good and i've made a friend through it who I can be more open to and it reminded me of the connections with others that i had forgotten about.

Opinions welcome if you read all that, thanks lol!


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## suuure (Feb 8, 2007)

*re: NOT opening up to others in classroom setting..feel left*

i totally agree halcyon...sometimes you just have to stop thinking and do it...even if afterwards you're like why'd i say that? but just be glad you did it. You might think you've had many awkward moments, but everyone does. It's just by conversing more, their awkward moments are hidden with their "normal" conversations...lol


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