# Does your SA make you super picky about potential partners?



## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

So I'm extremely picky about girls that i wanna get with, which is crazy as ive never had a serious relationship!? however ive been on quite a lot of dates with girls who seemed keen on me, but i just get these overwhelming feelings of 'she isnt good enough for me' or 'i can do better'....etc, which just seems like madness as i obviously cant do any better as im 30 years old and never had a serious relationship......i long to be a relationship with a good girl and on the rare occasions i do actually meet someone my brain starts coming up with a million reasons not to go any further with them and i end things pretty much after one date. In fact I met a girl the other night who ive been chatting with online and about 20 mins into the date i'd pretty much decided that i wouldnt see her again, i politely let her know via text after the date which resulted in frustration for her as she was obviously interested in me. This same thing has happened several times now. I kinda feel like im gonna be single forever because of this.


I cant understand if this is anything to do with my SA or not, does anyone else feel this way?


----------



## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

No. I'm the opposite actually, I feel like everyone else is too good for me.



> i long to be a relationship with a good girl and on the rare occasions i do actually meet someone my brain starts coming up with a million reasons not to go any further with them and i end things pretty much after one date.


I think you're trying to rationalize your anxiety and hesitancy to enter into a serious relationship by telling yourself you can find someone better. You're giving yourself a reasonable excuse to bail, instead of admitting that fear is what's really stopping you. That's just my opinion though.

But it's also possible you just haven't met anyone who's a good match for you yet. Just because you have SA doesn't mean you should be willing to settle for whatever comes your way.


----------



## drealm (Jul 7, 2009)

I'm not picky about girls. In fact since I'm attention deprived I'd probably be love struck over the first girl who initiated anything whatsoever. What I am picky about is meeting places. I'm reluctant to go to bars or parties, so naturally dating pool has shrunken.


----------



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Yeah, I'm like that as well. I'm going to be 29 years old, and I'm a virgin who has never been on a date. I still maintain my standards through. I'm the type that would rather be alone than settle for less than what I truly want.


----------



## sda0 (Oct 16, 2009)

I used to judge potential partners based on what other people I knew would think of them. Then I realized that was ridiculous and now I do what I want.


----------



## 1applehearts1 (Jan 7, 2010)

my SA isnt related to my thoughts on potential partners, to be honest. thats just how i am. im not really picky , but i do like the older guys


----------



## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

Well even though i am a 28 year old who's never dated and a virgin i still have standards and why should'nt i? If the girl is caring and understanding about my anxiety it's a winner, and i'm not going to be a hypocrite by saying i don't care what she looks like because if there's no physical attraction there then it's a non starter.


----------



## CeilingStarer (Dec 29, 2009)

Futures said:


> Yeah, I'm like that as well. I'm going to be 29 years old, and I'm a virgin who has never been on a date. I still maintain my standards through. I'm the type that would rather be alone than settle for less than what I truly want.





gaz said:


> Well even though i am a 28 year old who's never dated and a virgin i still have standards and why should'nt i? If the girl is caring and understanding about my anxiety it's a winner, and i'm not going to be a hypocrite by saying i don't care what she looks like because if there's no physical attraction there then it's a non starter.


I just turned 28 and am in the exact same boat as you guys.


----------



## Sabriella (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't feel comfortable being around really confident people, so I'm picky in that I would only want a relationship with someone who is not very outgoing.


----------



## duskyy (Oct 23, 2009)

shadowmask said:


> No. I'm the opposite actually, I feel like everyone else is too good for me.


That's how I am. Especially with someone I really like, it's almost overwhelming.:|


----------



## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I think it's anxiety related. It's like going into something that causes you anxiety, and we all know the easiest way to not experience that anxiety is by not doing it or talking ourselves out of it. I'm guilty of this.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I had this same problem until, with therapy, I came to a solution. Forgive the long post, but I believe that this is one of the major factors that causes my SA.

I think that because of our SA, we tend to moralize more than most people do in order to ingratiate ourselves to the people we want to like us the most. Part of that is the reasoning that "if we can't see ourselves with this person in the long term or even married to this person, then we shouldn't be with them now," perhaps hoping that someone we might really like will notice us or to keep ourselves unattached so that when that person does come along, we will be able to date her. This is ridiculous, in my opinion, for a number of reasons:

1. We are human. We need companionship. We deserve it too, since we are human beings, so even if that companionship lasts a short time, it's something that we CAN have.
2. We presume that the other person is better off for not being with us, but we ignore the idea that perhaps they would be content with something short term rather than be without us altogether.
3. We presume that if we're in a relationship, we won't be able to get someone we really fall for, but we forget that if that someone comes along, we can always end that relationship and move on to that special someone.
4. We presume that being alone until that special someone comes along, that is, not dating someone we don't like THAT much in the short term, makes us a good person, perhaps better than those "jerks" that date around and "treat girls like crap." But it is this very moralizing that makes us lonely and makes women hate us. It does NOT make us any better than anyone else, it is merely the result of conditioning from mass media that extols the ideal romantic relationship as being spontaneous and perpetually monogamous (it extols the idea that "this is the only girl that could possibly be right for me," which is wrong).
5. Sometimes, love takes time. Sure, we've all been in the position of being head over heels for a girl who we hardly know, but sometimes, when you really get to know someone you're not initially attracted to, you might decide that you really like him/her.
6. We presume that we owe it to ourselves to be with someone we really like a lot. But again, dating someone doesn't exclude the possibility that we can find someone we like a lot, and we owe it to ourselves (even more) to not be so lonely all the time.
7. We secretly hope that the intelligent supermodel that happens to like our particular obsession as much as we do will somehow fall for us. No. It's not likely that a woman with tons of great guys chasing after her would prefer a guy with little relationship experience or emotional experience (unlike what movies tell us). Instead, more dating experience, even with those we don't like, will make it easier to win over that girl if she ever does come along. Relationships sometimes take practice; the guy that knows a little about women is more likely to get the girl than one who knows nothing about women. One who knows that he has gotten girls to really like him in the past is more likely to be more confident around women than one who never has. They say the rich get richer when it comes to women for a reason. How many of us have watched with envy as a really attractive female friend of ours, one we secretly dream about being with, pine away over some guy that's already taken?

These are just a few reasons why you should just go with it, at least in the short term. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that this is what people really do: they date around until they find someone they want to be with at that moment without thinking too much about who they want to marry. My therapist encouraged me to date around, and so, I went out with a few girls a few times. I got turned down by one, turned another one down myself, and stayed with another, whom I liked best. None of them were my ideal, nor did I think I could get along with any in the long run.

A girl that I really like, I recently learned, is unavailable, so I'm sticking with this girl for now. I'm realizing that she (the one I'm dating) is a lot cooler (and sexier!) than I had initially thought. Before this I had only been on one date ever, and now I'm enjoying myself. I'm learning a lot about women and relationships I never would have if I had "saved" myself for something perfect. I feel that my confidence around women is increasing now that I'm learning about their imperfections, desires, and insecurities (women are becoming less and less goddess-like and inaccessible to me). At the same time, I'm keeping myself open to the possibility that someone I like better may come along. And if she does, I'll give it a shot with her.

So date someone you don't like all that well. Sleep with her too, if you want. And keep yourself open to other possibilities while you're doing it. At some point, either you or she might want to make this exclusive/serious, and at that point you can make a decision whether or not you want to. In the meantime, enjoy!


----------



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

I think everyone should be picky. <shrugs> IMHO.


----------



## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

i think the biggest cause as to why "social anxiety sufferers" tend to be more picky is because most of us have never been in a relationship or very few relationships, thus, when the time comes, we want to be with the right person. i have waited this long, why would i want to settle now? i want to share my first experiences of a relationship with someone who is worth the wait. for those who are in-and-out of relationships on a weekly/monthly basis, why should they care if one of those partners was not so great?


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

lonelygirl88 said:


> i think the biggest cause as to why "social anxiety sufferers" tend to be more picky is because most of us have never been in a relationship or very few relationships, thus, when the time comes, we want to be with the right person.


I'm sure that's part of the reason, but I see this reasoning as essentially self-destructive. It's hard to develop a relationship with the "right" person when we've never developed a relationship before, and when that "right" person has a tendency to be particularly attractive (as are those women that I consider "right" and perhaps others do too) so that he/she is getting attention from people that don't have as much of a problem approaching him/her and showing attention themselves, the prospect that we might get that person diminishes quite a bit. In the end, we simply continue to pine away for the unattainable "right" person rather than recognizing someone that might be more available with whom we can be at least a little more happy with.

We place so much importance on "the first" that we ignore the value of all that follow. I recommend you don't fall into this trap.


----------



## Honeybee1980 (Jan 29, 2009)

yes i am picky! I just don't find myself attracted to, or having chemistry with many people. I have to really click with someone, and that is a rare and special thing when it happens


----------



## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

I think my self-esteem is what makes me so picky with guys. Not really the anxiety.


----------



## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

WineKitty said:


> I think everyone should be picky. <shrugs> IMHO.


yep, be picky and take your time.


----------



## metallica2147 (Feb 15, 2010)

No, I'm not picky at all. I don't think I can be. It's hard enough finding someone with this problem. As long as they have a good personality it's good. I don't see why anyone would like me though.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

WineKitty said:


> I think everyone should be picky. <shrugs> IMHO.


Why?


----------



## seastar (Mar 27, 2009)

Hell, yes. I've waited this long. I've spent so many nights alone. I want full on crazy movie love. I want love at first sight and for it to feel like the high point in each of my favourite songs. I want a guy who finds me shells on the beach and rescues me on his motorbike and shows me the stars. 

I want it to feel the same as it did when I had my first slow dance to Madonna in the church hall in '91. I've met a man who made me feel this way only once before and it made every night I spent crying myself to sleep seem meaningless. I will not settle for less.


----------



## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

Sometimes I think may be too picky. I'm trying to be a bit more open to different kinds of people. Unfortunately it is a bit of a hard habit to break.


----------



## eagleheart (Jun 14, 2007)

Futures said:


> I'm the type that would rather be alone than settle for less than what I truly want.


I'm quite particular too. I've known for a long time that I apparently have some weird ideas. I know, I know. "You are going to be alone forever, then." Fine, I am coming to the conclusion anyway that I would be a bad wife.


----------



## MM Gloria (May 14, 2012)

Yes, yes, yes. I'm very picky. Whenever I even start thinking about a girl that I might possibly want to start a relationship with, I have to check everything out and then analyze it down to the finest grain. Things such as: her morals, her religion (very, very important), her standards, if she's family oriented, if she's kind (all the time, not just when she has to be), her habits, etc. It goes on and on. That's one of the reasons why I haven't had a girlfriend before or been on a date of any sort. I would say I'm extremely picky. Ha, it's crazy.


----------



## Invisigirl (Oct 11, 2011)

I used to be picky, but I've given up on that. The reason is a combination of crushing loneliness and the realization that being too picky will only further lessen the chances of me resigning as CEO of Forever Alone Inc.
(It's a difficult job, psychologically draining, and the pay is terrible.)


----------



## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

yes, about 0.05% meet the criteria. :um

Just don't want to get hurt by the wrong type of girl :b


----------



## northstar1991 (Oct 4, 2011)

Yes, I think this is a big reason why I haven't dated much.


----------



## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

Pretty much, but somehow I doubt most girls would be very accepting of me anyways.


----------



## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

If I were to calculate the odds on this I'd say the girl I'm looking for is at least 1 in 1000.

Personality, looks, similar interests (list goes on)

Meeting that person in the real world would seem to have the same odds as winning the lottery.


----------



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

I never thought I was super picky, but I'm 23 and have never had a serious boyfriend so maybe that speaks for itself. But I somewhat agree with what you are saying. I feel it has to be all or nothing when it comes to a relationship, if we aren't crazy about each-other then I don't see the point and I rather be alone too.


----------



## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

Maybe a little, but it's mostly self esteem issues. This was when I was single of course.


----------



## northstar1991 (Oct 4, 2011)

arnie said:


> So what are you looking for northstar?


Why?  I want someone who's smart, respectful, open minded, caring, loyal, has a good sense of humor, and who has similar beliefs to me. I'm not as picky anymore though.


----------



## Invisigirl (Oct 11, 2011)

CrimsonTrigger said:


> Pretty much, but somehow I doubt most girls would be very accepting of me anyways.


And why do you doubt yourself so?


----------



## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Yeah. I have this ideal image in my head of what my s.o. should be like and I don't want to waste time with any one else. I've been browsing okcupid for hours today, but I haven't found anyone I want to message yet. Even if the girl is super hot, I don't want to spend time with someone who's not compatible with me.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

i'm not that picky. i've dated maybe 10 girls and had 2 serious relationships. i do seem to prefer girls that are quite introverted or quirky and independent.


----------



## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

Yeah. I'd be picky. But it would be mostly to protect myself. For instance, I'd choose a less than attractive person on purpose so that there'd be less chance that they would get stolen away from me or sought after by others. I'd also make sure they wouldn't be more successful than me in order to curb feelings of inferiority.


----------



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

I am pretty picky. But I don't entirely think its because of SA. For me, its just because I am a very introverted person and I actually like being alone. In fact, I find it much easier and more peaceful than the alternative. So I won't settle if I'm not really certain about someone. I definitely have an all or nothing kind of attitude. 

I realize I'm a very cynical romantic.


----------



## thing (May 17, 2012)

I don't know about 'picky'. I can say I never bother because I don't think I'm good enough to be in a relationship. I wouldn't want to be in one just for the sake of it either, and I'm not even sure if what I'm saying makes any sense.


----------



## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

Yep I'm pretty picky, I think its more of the fact that I'm not interested in short term relationships and I'm pretty realistic. 

Its not a case of if someone doesn't meet the criteria they are a bad person or that i'm better than them or something, but If you want to have a long term relationship, it needs to be with someone that is compatible with you. If you are looking for a long term relationship,this person should be your best friend. If you have majour disagreements on values etc then this increases the chances of it not working out. 

ie I wouldn't date someone that was very religious. Not because I look down on these people, but because as an atheist, realistically it just would not work. I would not find it hard to be friends with someone that was very religious, but its different when you are talking about your partner. 

Not that I'm ready for a relationship right now anyway. Got to sort out my own problems first.


----------



## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

I'm probably not picky enough.


----------



## John316C (May 1, 2011)

no, my anxiety has nothing to do with the type of girl i like. the type of girl i like has everything to do with my highest ideals of natural beauty and natural "wholesome?" ideals. the 2nd part is pretty hard to define in a few words.


----------



## lkkxm (Apr 11, 2012)

thing said:


> I don't know about 'picky'. I can say I never bother because I don't think I'm good enough to be in a relationship. I wouldn't want to be in one just for the sake of it either, and I'm not even sure if what I'm saying makes any sense.


Yes, it makes sense. I feel the same way.


----------



## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Ya it does. I'm worried that most won't understand.


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

nemesis1 said:


> So I'm extremely picky about girls that i wanna get with, which is crazy as ive never had a serious relationship!? however ive been on quite a lot of dates with girls who seemed keen on me, but i just get these overwhelming feelings of 'she isnt good enough for me' or 'i can do better'....etc


That doesn't sound like SA to me. SA would keep you from going on the dates in the first place. And people with SA generally feel that they are not good enough for anyone, not the other way around.


----------



## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

No, I'm not really picky at all.


----------



## AmericanZero (Apr 17, 2012)

Not really.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

scarpia said:


> That doesn't sound like SA to me. SA would keep you from going on the dates in the first place. And people with SA generally feel that they are not good enough for anyone, not the other way around.


yeah he's totally anxious about all the wrong things. lets form an angry mob and go over to his place angrily and do things.


----------

