# Why am I so self-destructive?



## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

[deleted]


----------



## Joe (May 18, 2010)

Could it be frustration? Ive made some bad choices in frustration. 
And the desire for suicide more when your off drugs will worsen the more you take drugs, so try get rehab before something drastic happens.


----------



## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Sorry I phrased it wrong: I meant to say that, when I'm ón drugs, I feel more suicidal than when I'm off them.


----------



## HackerZC (Jan 2, 2011)

What you're describing sounds pretty familiar, but I'll be honest even I'm not 100% on what exactly is going on. 
If I had to take a guess based on what you said (and what I've experienced myself), I think it's about escape. Escape from the self hate, the depression, all the overwhelming BS that makes up life. 
I mean in part you're totally getting off on the thrill of all that stuff, but I also think you may have a sort of "death wish" thing going on. That's why I say I think it might be about escape. 
Aside from being a way to cope with all the crap, I think that on some level you actually hope it ends up killing you.
I know I can't just kill myself... maybe because I'm just too damn afraid to do it myself. I think you're the same way... you can't just outright kill yourself but you also can't continue to live feeling the way you do... so all the crap you're doing to yourself is a way of inviting the OPPORTUNITY for death. I'm not sure you actually want to die though. I'm sure you'd be perfectly content if you were truly happy and felt good about yourself... but the thing is you can't seem to achieve that, and you can't find any other solution that actually works, so the only thing you are left with is the idea of death as a form of escape.

Part of the reason you do the drugs (knowing they make you feel worse) may be that part of you is hoping they will push you far enough that you can actually take your own life. 
Either that or you are trying to burn yourself out. I tend to have a bad habit of "emotional cutting"... what I mean is that when I'd get depressed I'd intentionally expose myself to things that would trigger me to become even MORE depressed (and I sort of liked it, if that makes sense)... then at some point I'd simply be so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't feel bad anymore. I'd actually cut away at myself on an emotional level until I was numb inside. You may be doing that.


----------



## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

HackerZC said:


> What you're describing sounds pretty familiar, but I'll be honest even I'm not 100% on what exactly is going on.
> If I had to take a guess based on what you said (and what I've experienced myself), I think it's about escape. Escape from the self hate, the depression, all the overwhelming BS that makes up life.
> I mean in part you're totally getting off on the thrill of all that stuff, but I also think you may have a sort of "death wish" thing going on. That's why I say I think it might be about escape.
> Aside from being a way to cope with all the crap, I think that on some level you actually hope it ends up killing you.
> ...


Wow, thanks, this is very insightful! You're right, I do sort of have this death wish thing going on, but I'm too afraid to directly do it myself. I've tried to but I failed miserably, always backing off. And yes it does make sense to me when you sort of like when you get more depressed. Sometimes it's like I feel happy about feeling unhappy. It's truly strange.


----------



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

I could've written your post myself, nothingman. I'm exactly the same! I've been wondering for a while if I have a personality disorder or something, but I don't really know.

I act on impulse and take ridiculous risks without thinking about the consequences, and I don't care what happens to me. As you say, it is a bit of a death-wish thing I guess. I feel suicidal fairly frequently and usually it's triggered by the tiniest thing. I also find that drugs/booze etc are something I rely on to escape reality, because I find it so dull and non-exciting.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I can't. At least know you're not alone in feeling this way :squeeze


----------



## NotAnExit (Apr 9, 2012)

Wow second post by you that I feel I could have written myself. I completely agree on the self destructive behavior. I dont even care how lame this makes me but lately one of the only things that gets any kind of excited reaction outa me is the idea of getting a drink. I drink like a damn fish, and yes its when im alone, only when im alone. Before I even really started to think about it I put myself in dangerous situations. In college getting high or drunk with guys I doint know all that well. Luckily for me nothing too bad happened. But at the time I wasnt really thinking about it.

I've had thoughts of death before and periods where I would seriously think about the possibility of it. But tere is always something stopping me. I know I would be too much of a coward to take my own life. But when I think of how one day I could just accidentally go overboard it dosent seem as strange and impossible as me I dont taking a more 'direct approach"

I do still go on these drinking binges where I drink to get mind numbingly drunk and thats it. Im glad that I havent been too terribly depressed lately. All incidents where I ended up intentionally hurting myself was while drinking. Its not like its something I wouldnt think about while sober, but inhibitions go out the window you know. 

I also sometimes wonder why exactly I end up having those thoughts, and being so self destructive. It dosent really make sence to me either seeing as how I havent had any major traumatic experiences. Depression and a few other mental disorders run in my family so of course thats a factor. I just know I am not where I want to be in life and I cant seem to stop setting myself up to fail. Sometimes things seem like they can all work out, I can commit to school and actually feel like I am doing something productive, and other times it's all the little things adding up making the simpilist crap seem impossible. At the moment I do think of myself as a failure, a screw up, But it's not upsetting me as much as it has in the past. I am on 40mg or Prozac, and I dont have any bad side effects besides general apathy. I dont hate it, but I know it's effecting my motivation.


----------



## lee730 (Jun 15, 2012)

It's funny and at the same time very sad how we can be so self-defeating. I wish I didn't suffer with major depression and Social Anxiety. Hand in hand they are very debilitating and exhausting. Normal people are so lucky to just feel they way they do. Life would be so much easier without mental illness...


----------



## Badger (Jun 16, 2012)

Hello to everyone in this thread.

I feel I'm on my way to becoming like this. I've done things like not checking out of date bread for mould, bashing my head in with a wooden stick or metal item until it bled, cutting, head-punching, not eating or being hygenic in order to punish myself, etc. The head punching occasionally gives me nose bleeds and since I head-punched a bit two week ago, I've lost most of the hearing in my right ear. I don't get a thrill from it, but it makes me feel better. It's like a form of redemption. 

All fun and games, huh? We should release a really twisted charity CD single.


----------



## Merylbear (Dec 15, 2013)

I saw my psychiatrist he says I am not depressed I am self destructive and I won't get anymore care because of it


----------

