# ECT



## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), formerly known as electroshock therapy, and often referred to as shock treatment, is a psychiatric treatment in which seizures are electrically induced in patients to provide relief from mental disorders. The ECT procedure was first conducted in 1938 and is the only currently used form of shock therapy in psychiatry. ECT is often used with informed consent as a last line of intervention for major depressive disorder, mania, and catatonia. ECT machines have been placed in the Class II category (special controls) by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) since 1976. 

A round of ECT is effective for about 50% of people with treatment-resistant major depressive disorder, whether it is unipolar or bipolar. Follow-up treatment is still poorly studied, but about half of people who respond relapse within 12 months. Aside from effects in the brain, the general physical risks of ECT are similar to those of brief general anesthesia. Immediately following treatment, the most common adverse effects are confusion and memory loss. Among treatments for severely depressed pregnant women ECT is one of the least harmful to the gestating fetus. 

A usual course of ECT involves multiple administrations, typically given two or three times per week until the patient is no longer suffering symptoms. ECT is administered under anesthetic with a muscle relaxant. Electroconvulsive therapy can differ in its application in three ways: electrode placement, frequency of treatments, and the electrical waveform of the stimulus. These three forms of application have significant differences in both adverse side effects and symptom remission. 

Placement can be bilateral, in which the electric current is passed across the whole brain, or unilateral, in which the current is passed across one hemisphere of the brain. Bilateral placement seems to have greater efficacy than unilateral, but also carries greater risk of memory loss. After treatment, drug therapy is usually continued, and some patients receive maintenance ECT.

ECT appears to work in the short term via an anticonvulsant effect mostly in the frontal lobes, and longer term via neurotrophic effects primarily in the medial temporal lobe."

The above I have copied from a leaflet, my consultant gave me, so I can give informed consent to ECT.

My consultant thinks it could be beneficial. I think so too

Before signing consent my consultant took me to the ECT room to do a test run, so I can see what is involved

I lay on the examination couch, on my back. My wrists were cuffed either side of the couch, along with my ankles, leaving me secured in a spread eagle position, keeping me secure and unable to struggle. 

The electric shock is given to my brain with pads either side of my head. My nurse was there with me and held my hand with my wrists secured. Unusually I accepted her doing this. I squeezed her hand to show it's ok. She squeezed my hand in return. I told her I wanted her with me on Wednesday, again holding my hand. Maybe, now, I am ok with her holding my hand. I feel it shows closeness between her & though of course, she knows I don't want a relationship between us. She has tried to talk me out of it though. 

I was also given a block to bite into, so I can't bite my tongue, which happens as a reflex, with the electric shock to my brain. The two pads were placed either side of my head; obviously not switched on. I am fully aware I could die, or at least become comatose or brain damaged; but I feel it is worth the risk. 

I will be sedated to keep me calm & compliant. I'm conscious though.

I decided today to sign the consent form

I will receive ECT on Wednesday

I phoned my partner we need to talk, but not on the phone. She came in & we went down to the beach. She looked at me wanting to know what I have to say to her

On the beach we hugged & kissed before I told her

She replied:

"Fk off, you could die & then what the fk will I do? If you die I will follow you"

I told her my accounts are quite a lot & it will be for her

Again she pleaded with me not to do it

Now she seems to have accepted it; respecting my wishes


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Believe me. If you already have problems with your brain, this is not something you want to do to it!


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks Dave

Worth a try, though


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Twocky61 said:


> Thanks Dave
> 
> Worth a try, though


 Indiscriminate brain damage is not worth a try.


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Okie Dave


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

+++Placement can be bilateral, in which the electric current is passed across the whole brain, or unilateral, in which the current is passed across one hemisphere of the brain. Bilateral placement seems to have greater efficacy than unilateral, but also carries greater risk of memory loss. After treatment, drug therapy is usually continued, and some patients receive maintenance ECT.+++
============================================================

My consultant has suggested bilateral (across whole brain) regardless to the fact, it has more serious implications, side effect wise

I have actually been diagnosed Bi-Polar with Asperger, so my consultant says bilateral will be more effective

Both my personal nurse & my partner, have tried to dissuade me, from either form of ECT

My partner & I hugged & kissed, with tears she might lose me. I have assured her it is not a form of CP, as is utilised certain US states. I gave her a Xerox of the consent form to read

She is still not convinced

As for my personal nurse, expressing her feelings to me, that she loves me & similar to my partner, is frightened she will lose me

I really can't cope emotionally, with her crap. alongside my partner. As I have asked her to be there & hold my hand, she seems to think this will bond us together

When I fk her off she doesn't seem to think I am serious; especially with the hand holding


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Today things went too far

On the beach she kissed me & without thinking I kissed her back. Our tongues entwined, things were going way to far. I tried to resist, but she held me tightly as we kissed

She even released her top, pulling my hand to them. She had worn me down to accepting her

She even tried to pull my hand to her bikini bottoms but that was way far to far. It was that which made me reject her

Now we are having coffee & cake in a beach café. She is looking at me questionably, but I'm unable to hold eye contact with her

I believe she realises she took things way to far for me and that I feel extremely uncomfortable with her; especially her pulling my hand to her bikini bottoms and virtually underneath & my feeling her there

I told her I am not comfortable with her breasts; and as far as inside her; that is way too far & if she does it again I will go straight to her line manager

She asked "Really? I don't think so"

I told her if she pushes me too far I will

I believe she is taking that on board, then things between us will be ok. But for how long?

I am seriously hoping, on Wednesday, I don't come out the other side

Only thing stopping me is my intense love for my partner.

My nurse has asked me if I still want her with me when I receive my ET

I told her I don't know. Let's see how things between us pan out


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Earlier my nurse gave me an injection of Tamazipan, telling me I need it. I lost conscious from the high dose


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

As usual when I came to, there she was holding my hand

I have begun to accept this now; especially seeing I have asked her to be with me, holding my hand, when I am given ECT on Wednesday

She never comes onto me on ward. Obviously she knows she knows we will probably be seen. But away from the ward? She is always full on declaring her love for me

She says she wants sex with me; but there are two reasons this will never happen:

1) Being physically castrated, pre TG, I have no sex drive; especially receiving estrogen & thus diminishing my testerone 

2) I am in a LTR with my partner

Still, when we are in the sea she kisses me, holding me tightly as she pushes her tongue in my mouth.

She has worn me down so I respond to her

My mate, whose office I am in online, says to just shag her

I haven't told him I am pre-TG, without the equipment to satisfy her

When I go full TG, I will have a penectomy, so I can be genitally become female

Of course, depending how my ECT goes


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Tuesday evening:

My partner is staying with me tonight & tomorrow, being with me while I receive ECT

The staff said it is against the rules to have a visitor stay overnight

I told them it is not open for discussion; she's staying, whether they like it or not

This may well be our last time together, if I don't come out the other side from ECT, as I could very well become comatose, or even die from the treatment

So tonight we are going to be together, her sharing my bed, with us being intensely intimate together

I have told my nurse I don't want her with me during ECT; my partner will be with me holding my hand tightly. I want to see her as I receive ECT & if I die, I want her to be there for me; for her to be the last person I see as I lose consciousness into death


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

I really don't think you're going to die - although i can see how you'd be afraid to have ECT. I knew quite a few people in the hospital that had it - one was helped enormously by it, it lifted her depression so much you wouldn't even have known it was the same person.

Can have a considerable effect on memory though, but they've already told you about that.


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

harrison said:


> I really don't think you're going to die - although i can see how you'd be afraid to have ECT. I knew quite a few people in the hospital that had it - one was helped enormously by it, it lifted her depression so much you wouldn't even have known it was the same person.
> 
> Can have a considerable effect on memory though, but they've already told you about that.


Thanks Harrison; I didn't die, become comatose, become brain damaged

I received ECT first thing this morning with me partner with me


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

sabbath9 said:


> Have you tried ACT yet? ACT is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT has helped me a lot. You can learn ACT from self-help workbooks.


Not heard of ACT Sabbath

ECT was the only treatment offered by me consultant

When I was subject to ECT, there were blinding lights & I found myself losing my memory; even not recognising my partner at first

I am set to receive ECT a few times a week, for the next few weeks, at least

As I survived today, I don't need to call in my partner; my nurse, I will allow to be there, holding my hand


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Twocky61 said:


> When I was subject to ECT, there were blinding lights & I found myself losing my memory; even not recognising my partner at first


 And you believe this did not (will not) injure your brain in any fashion?


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Probably will Dave


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## llodell88 (May 15, 2011)

the though of it doing something to my mind that is anything like the drugs I've been on scares me to no end. Well the fact that it would be irreversible, that's just too much, so many bad stories too, regrets, about having it. I just want to go back to being all natural and not having my mind controlled by substances or whatever else.


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Probably a couple of days a week, I believe; maybe three times a week

My consultant is monitoring me for side effects

Those side effects include confusion, nausea, drowsyness & memory loss & I currently have an intense headache 

My consultant says this is normal

He suggests two or three ECT treatments a week, for the next few weeks or months, until I show improvement in my mind set

Today my nurse & partner are here with me as I am online

Earlier after my ECT I did find both my partner & nurse annoying

I wanted to talk to my partner privately so my nurse realised I didn't want her there while my partner & I discussed where we go from here

After my ECT we hugged in my bedroom kissing on my bed. She was so intense; probably because I survived

She told me while she was beside me holding my hand I convulsed; so much so she squeezed my hand

Afterwards, my partner told me she is not going through that again, terrified I was going to die, especially with the convulsions

All further treatment my nurse will be beside me holding my hand, as she wanted to be there for me

Earlier, after my treatment, my nurse gave me a Tamazipan injection to calm me from the ECT. I lost consciousness, as usual, on my bed, with her holding my hand. As she, was, too, when I regained consciousness

I have told her I want those injections each time I recover from ECT

I know the more ECT treatment I have, the more chance I could drop into a coma or die

But, as things stand at the moment I want them. In a way it is like charging the batteries

Last night was very special for my partner & myself

She offered herself totally to me

Naked together we hugged each other tightly and deeply kissed whilst we lay together

She has never before offered herself to me unreservedly. Obviously the fact she trusts me and loves me, knowing I love her intensely.....

All night we were intimate together; holding me tightly believing I may not come out the other side

One thing about my partner she didn't tell me...…………

She has expressed the desire for us to have a baby together, despite the fact she already has conceived four times already. Her kids are no longer kids, having left home and now have their own families making her a grandmother

So what is it she has not told me

Before I was physically castrated we did try for a baby

Whilst we were having physical sex, I noticed from her facial expression I was hurting her

I asked her if she was ok. She just said yes but let's carry on

I knew something was wrong; especially as she was bleeding

I directly asked her what's wrong

It was then she told me

She has internal injuries from being raped by her ex, when she wasn't naturally lubricated

It was from that point I insisted on intimacy without physical sex

It was not long after that, I was physically castrated, on my way to being post TG & the woman I want to be


So now, intimacy is what we both most desire

The more she tells me about what her ex subjected her to, the angrier I feel towards her ex

Now she has told me of her injuries; the more I find it difficult to cope with it

She allows me to feel her, to make her orgasm; she tells me she enjoys this; that it arouses her sexually. Penetration is out. I have actually felt her internally. Her tissue is torn. So the more intimate we are the happier she is

Her internal injuries is why, even pre physical castration, we didn't have penetrative sex after the first time. I know she finds it painful to have penetrative sex


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

llodell88 said:


> the though of it doing something to my mind that is anything like the drugs I've been on scares me to no end. Well the fact that it would be irreversible, that's just too much, so many bad stories too, regrets, about having it. I just want to go back to being all natural and not having my mind controlled by substances or whatever else.


Good point llodell


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Last night I found out my partner met someone for sex

As I have said above, she feels pain having penetrative sex & bleeds from her torn vaginal tissue; but as she enjoys penetrative sex, she puts up with the pain

No big issue normally, as I'm totally oblivious, which is how I like it. I don't want to know. I have told her if she loves me, as she claims to, then she'll be discreet & not let me found out

But last night she was blatant, not giving a monkey's whether or not I found out.

So when she arrived home I asked her if she loves me

She replied "Of course I do; you know I do"

So I told her how I found out. I told her where to go, that I need time to consider where we go from here

She started to apologise & pleaded with me not to dump her

If I did dump her, I would see she's alright. I would pay the rent on a flat/apartment for her to live & give her money to live on. Of course I still love her, but I feel hurt. This isn't the first time I have been hurt in a relationship, so I should be used to it

I reminded her, that before I was castrated, I only had sex with her once, until I found out about her vaginal injuries. But if she desires penetrative sex elsewhere; fine, as long as she has the decency to be discreet, not letting me find out

But she wasn't discreet. Currently she is being quiet, knowing what she has done to me, looking at me occasionally, as if asking me if things are ok between us

As usual, I am online in my mate's company office with both my partner & my nurse.

When my partner went to the office kitchen to make coffee, my nurse asked me if I was ok

I just told her to STFU

She looked at me, looking hurt, I should respond to her like that

She too, is being quiet

Yes; I was mean to both of them; I'll obviously eventually be nice to them both & forget what happened last night

But anyway.... There's a lot to be said, in favour of being a bachelor; which I was before my partner & I met

But of course, now it is different. I would be at a loss without my partner. She doesn't know this; I have not told her, hence her apologising & pleading for me to forgive her. As I have said above, of course I'll forgive her


But why should I make it easier for her? Same with my nurse

I suppose I should let it go. I'll have forgotten all about it by tomorrow & welcome my partner back with open arms


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Yep; I've let it go

From here on in it will be like it didn't happen


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Over the last few weeks I've had quite a few ECT treatments. Three a week I think; sometimes I forget things, feeling confused; but my consultant said that will happen

Each time my personal nurse has been with me. She is becoming too intense again

I now suffer intense headaches; obviously from the electric shocks; especially as the are bi lateral (across whole brain, instead of single sphere)

When I suffer headaches throughout the day, my nurse administers Tamazipan injections which relieves the pain & of course, I lose consciousness from the injections


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Twocky61 said:


> Over the last few weeks I've had quite a few ECT treatments. Three a week I think; sometimes I forget things, feeling confused; but my consultant said that will happen
> 
> Each time my personal nurse has been with me. She is becoming too intense again
> 
> ...


 What exactly are they trying to accomplish by doing this to you?


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Not sure; mostly across the UK, ECT as a treatment Dave, is no longer utilised in treatment of choice, for consultants 

I thought ECT had been banned years ago

When I was in a London psyche unit 1980, ECT was suggested but decided against


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

But of course with it being a type of draconian treatment...……………

We still don't know everything about the brain; so who knows how much damage to the brain is caused by ECT

Psychologically I feel weird; headaches, nausea, drowsiness, confusion, irritation...……. The latter with my nurse & the fk'd up way she is

Similar with my partner I'm beginning to understand my nurse & her thought processes

I believe the reason she throws herself sexually at me, is due to the domestic violence she suffered & with my partner having suffered the same; she knows I understand

So anyway...……………

As hot as she is...…………….

I am falling for her, I admit. It is taking as lot for me emotionally to cope with her. She knows this & is taking advantage of how I feel

As stated elsewhere on SAS she is intense


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Today we were on the beach & yet again she was wearing a revealing bikini

This time she had me

We didn't actually have sex, penetration wise (which being castrated, I couldn't penetrate her, even if I wanted to (which I don't)

But we were in one of the beach huts & snogged. She tried to kiss me as usual with her tongue & I responded.

We didn't go naked, as much as she probably wanted too

So maybe I do have some control, if I can reject her full on

She shared her breasts with me, as I did her with my 'George @ ASDA' sized ones lol

So now we are back at my mate's office online


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

It now seems our relationship has changed totally

With us so intimate together, there is now no going back; she knows that & I'm sure that was he aim, all the way through; she has gained her goal

So in the beach hut we were intimate together kissing tongues entwined. It is always with me the entwining tongue kissing that traps me emotionally. As if the exchange of saliva is the chemistry to a full blown relationship

My emotions are now in a turmoil thinking about my partner & how she will react when I tell her. I have no choice in telling her. The entire basis of our relationship is trust & honesty. I do know when I tell my partner she will lay into my nurse again, as she did last time she caught us intimate together


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Trouble is I now have deep emotional feelings towards my nurse

We are spending more & more intimate together with the saliva exchanging deep kissing


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

I did tell her to fk herself earlier today

But she thinks I'm not serious


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

I actually said to her:

"Fk off you little scrubber" lol

She said she's not a scrubber

I told her she knows she is so why deny it?


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

For all youse the other side of the big pond 

A scrubber is a tart


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Currently on Section 17 Extended Leave (similar to ROTL (Release On Temporary License out of prison))

Spending quality time with my partner (& away from Psycho Nurse lol)

Perhaps she'll forget me; hopefully lol


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## causalset (Sep 11, 2016)

Twocky61 said:


> "Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), formerly known as electroshock therapy, and often referred to as shock treatment, is a psychiatric treatment in which seizures are electrically induced in patients to provide relief from mental disorders. The ECT procedure was first conducted in 1938 and is the only currently used form of shock therapy in psychiatry. ECT is often used with informed consent as a last line of intervention for major depressive disorder, mania, and catatonia. ECT machines have been placed in the Class II category (special controls) by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) since 1976.
> 
> A round of ECT is effective for about 50% of people with treatment-resistant major depressive disorder, whether it is unipolar or bipolar. Follow-up treatment is still poorly studied, but about half of people who respond relapse within 12 months. Aside from effects in the brain, the general physical risks of ECT are similar to those of brief general anesthesia. Immediately following treatment, the most common adverse effects are confusion and memory loss. Among treatments for severely depressed pregnant women ECT is one of the least harmful to the gestating fetus.
> 
> ...


I am just curious: since during ECT they put you to sleep, what kinds of dreams do you have? Do you have nightmares since the electricity is going through your brain?


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Not really Causalset; just a blankness during, but awakening confusion


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Awakening confused & drowsiness & nausea as well


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## ladysmurf (Jan 3, 2012)

it helps with depression, not anxiety.... maintenance is required (that varies with each person)


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes Lady Smurf; consultant has me on three ECT's a week


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Oh, I'd never but I heard Carrie Fisher went for it. Ya'll should try sensory deprivation tanks at the spa heavens before ECT....


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks SwtSurrender


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## ladysmurf (Jan 3, 2012)

SwtSurrender said:


> Oh, I'd never but I heard Carrie Fisher went for it. Ya'll should try sensory deprivation tanks at the spa heavens before ECT....


never say never!! the pain is too much..never mind the other problems i deal with anxiety, ocd, ptsd, etc......rTMS did nothing it was a waste of money..so my last option was ECT and it worked far more than any other medication had...yes at first the memory loss is annoying, but the more you space out the treatments..the better it gets..


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*ENT*

I thought

ear, nose, throat (threat??)

my swallowing ability assessment involved only sticking my tongue out:crying:


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

ladysmurf said:


> never say never!! the pain is too much..never mind the other problems i deal with anxiety, ocd, ptsd, etc......rTMS did nothing it was a waste of money..so my last option was ECT and it worked far more than any other medication had...yes at first the memory loss is annoying, but the more you space out the treatments..the better it gets..


Thanks Lady Smurf


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

twitchy666 said:


> I thought
> 
> ear, nose, throat (threat??)
> 
> my swallowing ability assessment involved only sticking my tongue out:crying:


lol


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Twocky61 said:


> Currently on Section 17 Extended Leave (similar to ROTL (Release On Temporary License out of prison))
> 
> Spending quality time with my partner (& away from Psycho Nurse lol)
> 
> Perhaps she'll forget me; hopefully lol


Now back at psyche unit & with my personal nurse

Thought perhaps, with me being home for nearly a week, things with her would have gone off the boil

I should be so lucky

She hugged me as soon as we were back together, with her clinging like a limpet mine

I thought my partner was psychologically damaged from her DV experience; my nurse is pretty much the same


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Anyway...…………….

We have reached an understanding; my nurse & I

I have reminded her of my emotional unstableness


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

But will she listen?

I should co co lol


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, she's hot & shaggable (to put it bluntly) & she is fully aware she is

She's eighteen on placement from uni

I'm 57 old enough to be her father; even her grandfather

Yes, I do listen to her issues which match my partner's, but I burn out, as it is, being there emotionally for my partner

My partner has told me she has divulged & is still divulging to me, far more than to her therapist

Last week she terminated the therapy sessions preferring to divulge to me

My partner is one thing; she is my partner

My nurse? Our roles have already reversed as if she's the patient; I'm the nurse

Despite that we do get on like friends

But she doesn't or refuses to notice how I act emotionally with self harm & stuff

As stated elsewhere here on SAS, she comes onto me

We have gone as far as kissing & with tongues, as I have mentioned elsewhere here on SAS, the saliva exchange traps me emotionally, as tongues/saliva exchange makes it, for me, a full blown relationship, taking our friendship too higher a level for me. That is reserved for my partner, like my nurse & I tongue kissing. Again the saliva pushes it too far towards a full blown relationship

Of course, with my nurse, it stops at kissing with no sex (not that I could have full sex with anyone being physically castrated pre TG



#


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

I escaped lol

I was on the M6 hitch hiking north & when I hit Keele Service area yesterday 

The police saw me & took me into custody as a place of safety

No actual arrest, as they have to return me to the psyche unit

Only problem is Keele Staffordshire to this psyche unit is a few hundred miles, at least, which would take Staffordshire police well out of their patrol area

So what did they do?

They contacted social services & a social worker bought me all the way back here by train

We gave her lunch before she got a train to Stafford railway station

It was a day out for her on expenses lol


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Four days ago since I last posted here

Things going on as usual


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

ECT has been going for a while now; three times a week

Maybe I'm becoming immune to the side effects. I still wake emotionally confused & my nurse is always there holding my hand when I lose consciousness & when I come to.

As mentioned elsewhere on SAS I have come to accept the hand holding

I feel uncomfortable her holding my hand but now I accept it & put up with it; I can't be bothered refusing

When she administer me Tamazipan during the day she does so when I am laying on my bed. This is safe, she claims, so when I lose consciousness & awaken I'm safe laid on my bed & again she is holding my hand. She uses one of those rubber things around my arm to bring to the surface my vein. As the needle pierces my skin I flinch as it causes me pain. But then the drug kicks in & I'm unconscious

Sometimes when I awake I pull my hand away & tell her to fk off. 

It's getting to the point I crave suicide to get away from her


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

She asked me earlier if I don't like her anymore; don't I wan to be her friend?

I told her if we can keep this professional, then I do. But if she carries on with this intimacy crap then she can fk off

I have told her she is driving me to suicide; that she is so intense with me I can't cope with it. Surely she must know I'm emotionally fk'd up & if she keeps this up...………………

She claims she worries about me which is why she looks after me

I have repeatedly told her I can't emotionally cope with her being with me all day. At least at the end of the days she goes home until the morning.

At night I have another nurse on bed watch outside my room monitoring me. This is a guy & we chat together giving me a break from Nurse 'Ratchett' lol

Then in the morning she comes into my room with the first dose of the day of Quatiapine


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

About midnight last night I'd had enough of psycho nurse

The guy was sat outside my room & I knew he'd cop it, my achieving suicide & the fact my partner relies on me

But anyway...………….

All rooms are single occupancy, each with en suite with a shower

So I locked myself in the ensuite, leaving a note to my night guy, apologising for putting him in this position & a rider that I did it between his watches of me

As for psycho nurse she can fk off. As for my partner a separate card leaving my estate exclusively to her

So as for suicide...…….

I'll leave that to you're imagination, as stating method here on SAS goes beyond site ToS remit

I did end up in A&E/ER though. I was triaged as priority & when I regained conscious I asked why am I here?

So about 8am I was stabilised & returned here. Usually I'm at a mate's company offices online, but they have given me access to staff wi-fi. because they deem it as good therapy chatting online

Psycho nurse is here with me in my room asking why I resorted to suicide last night

I said to her "Why do you fkn think?"

She played dumb, pretending to not understand me

So I had a go her

(Indirect quote)

"Don't you fkn understand anything? I resorted to suicide because you are too fkn intense, I try to help you, listening to you divulge your past to me; the past of yours my partner shares.

Will you fkn understand you are pushing me too far? So why do you think I did it?"

Again she played dumb

"I've had enough of you crap; If you want to carry on my partner will happily strangle you"

Now she's looking hurt


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Since then I have taken her out to lunch as an apology to the way I spoke to her earlier

She's perked up & is now chatting happily. Her sweet smile enhances her beauty

But I have to forget about that, lest I fall for her again, after rejecting her

She did hug me when I apologised & tried to kiss me, but soon realised she was going too far with me again

So we just hugged. Maybe too far too as it easily goes further; which it will

She has asked to see my wounds & I let her

So anyways...…………….


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

I've let us kiss gently, closed mouth. She seems happy for that; a compromise; for now anyway


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Earlier she forgot (conveniently for her) what we discussed.

In my room I was laid on my bed & she laid beside me. She pulled my hand towards her open blouse

I said to her

"Are you fkn thick or what?"

She hugged me & asked what was wrong

I told her to fk off before I do something she'll regret

She left me & is sat outside my room


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

So anyway...………………….

We could possibly be at a point of her understanding me

I already understand her & her thought processes 

She thinks we can be more than nurse & patient & friends

She doesn't (or wont) accept I don't want a relationship with her

I have my partner to think about; not her 

I've told her this more than once. She then gives me the water works


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

This place you're getting treatment at seems disturbingly unprofessional. No clue how anyone is expected to get better in such an environment.

And that "nurse" should be reported and fired, if not criminally charged. Who even knows what she's doing with other clients.

But hey, what would I know. :blank


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks tehuti88 

I suppose I could report her; but she is on placement from uni

But that would get her struck off when she's just starting her career

She claims I'm the only one

I tend to believe her; what with the level of intimacy with me

But thanks anyway tehuti88 xx


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

OMFG

This afternoon & now, we are at my mate's company offices

My mate closes his offices 4pm each day

So this is how far my personal nurse is prepared to take things

She went to the toilet

She returned topless, wearing only her lace knickers

She obviously craves sex with me. As I have said elsewhere here on SAS, I am physically castrated & can't have physical sex anyway

I told her to fk off back to the bathroom & put her clothes back on

She wouldn't even consider doing this in my room; lest she be caught

But here?

She ignored me and is sat here, virtually in the 'altogether'; as they say

I don't know why I can't get through to her

As she sits here beside me, I have told her I am prepared to show this CCTV footage to her line manager

She say "'course you wont"

I have more than once now; she puts her clothes on or I WILL show this CCTV footage to her line manager

She is still sat here ignoring me

I have just phoned my mate & asked him where his CCTV footage is stored

He has given me the PIN number to unlock the CCTV footage room & all I have to do is record said footage onto CD-Rom

I know have that CD-Rom

So.……………………..

I have played this footage to her, which clearly shows, her sat next to me, only wearing her knickers

At long last she has realised I'm not joking

She is now in the bathroom putting her clothes back on

When she comes back in I don't want to talk to her


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

She has since returned with her clothes on, she has asked me if we are ok

I just looked at her & told her to fk off

She is still asking if things are ok with us

This is my reply (direct quote)

"Look you stupid little scrubber; would you have done. what you did today. here in my mates office. in my room? No you wouldn't. You would be sacked on the spot & prosecuted for statuary rape

You're a nurse; I'm your patient

Do you really want to be a nurse?"

If you really want to be a nurse then cut this fkn crap with me"

She looked at me shocked, that I should say that to her

Maybe I have got through to her; after all


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

We're now sharing a bottle of wine, whilst she is becoming to understand what she is doing, could get her arrested for statuary rape

I think we are there; hopefully

It seems to be, I can get more sense from her, when she has been drinking

She's now asking me sensible, thought out & considered questions, where I want she & I to be from now

She now understands, that what she did earlier, is totally stupid on her part

She's now wearing a blouse & jeans; albeit her blouse is revealing her ample cleavage

I'm letting that go, as she obviously feels comfortable dressed like that

I think she is thinking the cleavage I will like

I'm choosing to ignore it, as, if I make a point, I will undo all we have achieved together today


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

When all three of us got back to the psyche unit, I told my nurse I wanted privacy for my partner & myself

So my partner & I were in my room being intimate. I held her tightly & after deep kissing I asked her:

"FFS do you realise what you nearly did there?"

We held eye contact & she replied "So she would have died; no big deal"

My reply

"Fk off. When I (& still do) told you I want to go & kill your ex, you asked me not to, because you feel safe with me & he is no longer a threat"

Her reply

"So?"

My reply

"I'm asking you not to interfere here in this situation. Let me deal with it"

Her reply

"OK but I don't like the *****"

We hugged & kissed, entwining tongues again

Trouble is my partner can be a mardy cow lol


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

So my partner left & I'm now with Psycho Nurse online at my mate's office

After her near death experience, she was naturally shaking

So here I had to hug her until she calmed down

She tried to kiss me, but I pushed her away, telling her

"I'm trying to calm you down. That does not include kissing or you opening your blouse"

I'm having to tell her, if I hadn't have intervened my partner would have killed her

She asks why; I ask her why do you think my partner wants you dead?

She replied, is it because of yours & my relationship together?

Exactly

I've told Psycho Nurse, I have fallen in love with her, but that doesn't mean I don't love my partner.

She hugged me & kissed & I responded. Naturally (for her) her blouse dropped open revealing her

I really can't be bothered to resist, so I now go with the flow

We kiss as deeply as my partner & I

Psycho Nurse has already worn me down with the exchanging of saliva; so what's the point?


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

I think you should move to a different facility, or hey, just stay in this one after all, because obviously nobody in this one, including you, gives a **** about therapeutic treatment. :roll Inappropriate sexual conduct up the wazoo, ability to access staff CCTV and whatnot, casual attempted murder at the beach and all. Uh-huh.

And maybe just declare yourself in an open relationship because, personal boundaries?--what personal boundaries? Nobody's got time for that.

Have fun telling GF that you've given up and are now sharing saliva with Psycho Nurse.


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

tehuti88 said:


> I think you should move to a different facility, or hey, just stay in this one after all, because obviously nobody in this one, including you, gives a **** about therapeutic treatment. :roll Inappropriate sexual conduct up the wazoo, ability to access staff CCTV and whatnot, casual attempted murder at the beach and all. Uh-huh.
> 
> And maybe just declare yourself in an open relationship because, personal boundaries?--what personal boundaries? Nobody's got time for that.
> 
> Have fun telling GF that you've given up and are now sharing saliva with Psycho Nurse.


You have raised some valid points there Tehuti

Maybe you're right there

Rather than report Psycho Nurse to her line manager; though I suppose really I should; maybe a transfer is the way to go. Only trouble is, to get to this psyche unit placement, I was on remand for six months waiting for a bed to become available

Only trouble is, across the whole of the UK, there are very few residential psyche units

NHS England, prefer care in the community, through CMHT (Community Mental Health Teams)

Far cheaper than running residential psyche units

Mostly, residential care is reserved for those who can't be cared for in the community, for various reasons

As for my Section 37 - 41, under the UK MHA 1983, I am here indefinitely until my consultant deems I'm suitable for release. He then FAX's the release papers to UK Gov's Home Secretary for him to sign the papers

Section 37 - 41 the infamous Ian Brady is on; unless now he is dead

Whereas Brady is a danger to the public (obviously); I'm a danger to my self. In the system, there is no difference between someone a danger to the public & someone to themselves. That's the MHA 1983 for you

Thanks again for you reply Tehuti xx


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

Since her near death experience, Psycho Nurse has taken a step back

Yes; she hugs, but that's it

If we kiss, then we are closed mouth

Her breasts? I appreciate she feels sexy with a low revealing blouse, so I have decided to let that go

I have to give her some freedom; even her low cut blouse cleavage

So I called in my partner. She apologised for nearly drowning Psycho Nurse & she apologised to my partner for being unprofessional 

About fkn time

So things are back full on with my partner


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

As has been the case, on a weekly basis my partner stays over

I guess they see it as good therapy


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## Nick Attwell (Jun 16, 2014)

I actually asked my partner

"If you can do this for me, why not for yourself with your ex?

She replied it's different

I asked her in what way

She replied, her ex didn't love her & used her as his sex toy.

You & I love each other

I nearly drowned Psycho Nurse, just as you want to sort out my ex

I'm not going to apologise for nearly killing her; the same as if you sort my ex out


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