# Develop unsafe traits



## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

Not having a brother, a strong father figure, or an everyday best guy friend in my life meant there was never a male around who could observe how I behaved and suggest ways for me to become a stronger man. I've lived a sheltered life, due in large part to the way my parents chose to raise me compared to the way they allowed my sister, my only sibling, to grow up. My sister, who is five years older than me, was a rebellious person. She did crazy, wild, and inappropriate things that drove my parents insane to a point that they made absolutely sure I wouldn't be allowed to get away with the same type of behavior.

So whenever I acted up, became angry, or tried to hang out with kids whom my parents didn't receive a background check, my parents intervened in an excessive way. Every single day. My entire life. So I grew into a submissive person. I let people walk all over me. No matter how much I hated it, I was already conditioned to obey everyone and act overly nice. So I became insecure and never allowed my personality to fully develop. I was an actor. A mere shadow of myself. Instead of letting out my unsafe side in a natural, external way, I let it boil inside me every day. The older I grew, the more suicidal thoughts and thoughts of hurting others I had. I become distant from my peers instead of trying to fit in. I wanted friends and a girlfriend, but I didn't know how to behave around people. So the last few years I've been forcing myself to be more social and go to events. I have made progress in developing deeper friendships and hooking up with girls.

So now that you a have an idea of where I'm coming from, let me get to the topic. When I was looking at the following chart, I realized something about myself that reflected in the way that girls react to me. When it comes to attracting a girl initially, within the last couple years I've developed the ability to walk up to a girl, compliment her, talk to her and engage her physically. It's been very effective, and it brings out a level of confidence in me that girls immediately recognize. So the approach and initial gaining of attraction is not my issue. It's when I spend more and more time with the girl that she begins to see how needy, predictable and insecure I am. This is all reflected in the traits I developed growing up. In addition, I don't have good storytelling skills, have difficulty holding a conversation, am bad at using banter, conceal my sense of humor, feel the need to talk about my problems and insecurities, etc.










Most of these issues immediately turn girls off to me sexually, and I don't want to say I get "friendzoned" but that's essentially what happens. Reading this chart makes a lot of sense. I would say I just about cover everything in the 'Good Safe' and 'Bad Safe' categories. Not only that, but I completely lack the qualities that define both of the 'Unsafe' categories. Now although this chart is subjective to the author in what attracts her, it's more often than not that girls will agree with the author's criteria. Clearly, no one is expected to fall perfectly within the green zone.

I believe there are women out there who would be completely fulfilled being in a relationship with men who depict the 'safe' traits. However, finding a girl like this can be very hit-or-miss. Me being the balance seeking person I am, I don't want to continue living my life in the 'safe' zone. Although I am not intrinsically 'unsafe', I feel that I can develop some of these traits and use them as a tool to give myself an advantage, not just with women, but business opportunities, and dog-eat-dog world situations. I want to be a complete person. The question is how do I do that? I'm 25 years old, and my best learning years are behind me. As a kid you can get away with the "boys will be boys" phase (which I completely missed out on). But as an adult, displaying 'unsafe' behavior for the first time in my life will seem out of place and strangely immature.

If only I could go back in time and tell my young self not to take life so seriously and that it's okay to disobey your parents if it means you get to live a little on the dangerous side every now and then, I would. My goal is to live everyday unsafe. This means war with my parents, no matter how painful it is. I need to sacrifice short-term instances of argument, fighting, selfishness, and embarrassment for the long-term gain of "Good Unsafe" traits. This doesn't mean I'm going to go looking for people to pick fights with, but if someone belittles me, pushes me, orders me around, I'm not going to submit. I'm going to hold my ground and be the boss of the situation. This is active reconditioning. I'm going to have to recognize those times when I become too submissive, and if I have to overcompensate by being a complete a**hole, then I must do it for my own betterment.


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## MrFlay (Jul 14, 2012)

Hey man, congratulations on working on improving yourself to get what you want in life. It's such a big commitment. Your post really caught my attention, because I can really relate. You're totally describing my own situation.

There is one HUGE difference in our upbringing that I will point out, although we STILL ended up behaving in the exact same 'safe' way... Food for thought!



ManOfFewWords said:


> Not having a brother, a strong father figure, or an everyday best guy friend in my life meant there was never a male around who could observe how I behaved and suggest ways for me to become a stronger man. I've lived a sheltered life


Yeah, having no father figure can really leave you hangin'. My dad is a pushover when it comes to women. He avoids conflicts like the plague and really has a hard time communicating and expressing his opinions. I see him maybe once or twice a year. He has been married 3 times now... but to what kind of women? NOT the kind of woman I want! (sorry mom!)

Growing up with my mom and sisters really didn't help me learn how to act or behave at all. To add to this, my mom basically hates relationships. She split from my father when I was a young kid (like 6 or 7). She has not been in a relationship since then. She tells me she doesn't like men her age, but really it's a problem with socializing. She has maybe 1 good female friend who she works with. They talk on the phone from time to time but never really meet up or do anything. She never has guests over. Actually she never really does anything socially. Ever. She's a teacher so I don't think she has anxiety, but she tells me that she's simply not interested in other people. She seem to have accepted to live this way.

Sadly, I've learned from my mom how to live a secluded life and now it's my responsibility to fight to break the habit. Lack of a strong male presence has done nothing good for me when it comes to attracting women. I lived my social life through my sisters' friends, since I didn't have any of my own when I was younger. I wasn't very succesful socially. My mom kept telling me that _I'm exactly the kind of guy women want to be with - they just don't know it until they are ready to settle down_. Of course she was talking about the 'good safe' traits I possessed. I didn't know. I thought I was doing good and all the other guys who were getting the girls were losing in the long run. WHAT A DANGEROUS BELIEF! Thanks mom! I didn't know about the 'bad safe' traits until maybe 1½ years ago when I was about your age.

I was naturally insecure as a child and teeneager. She allowed me to hide from the world. She did everything for me! Like, she always made all phonecalls to hairdresser to book a reservation and she spoke for me at restaurants when ordering food. I never even had chores around the house. She never pushed me to do anything, and I could always find comfort + validation if I felt uncomfortable/anxious about going to a party... She was so understanding, because she felt the same way. So I stayed at home playing videogames - still thinking I'm the kind of guy girls want.

So, I've lived a sheltered life too. But it was what I wanted because I was afraid to actually do anything. I thought that it was okay and I would automatically become happy when girls became old enough to realize what a great guy I was. It has made me awkward in social settings. I'm still way behind in this department. Having a hard time shaking off 'bad safe' behaviours.



ManOfFewWords said:


> If only I could go back in time and tell my young self not to take life so seriously and that it's okay to disobey your parents if it means you get to live a little on the dangerous side every now and then, I would. My goal is to live everyday unsafe. This means war with my parents, no matter how painful it is.


This is what your post has made me realize: It has nothing to do with disobeying your parents or not. It's all about getting out there, actually doing stuff on your own and having fun doing it. Of course you can stand up for yourself. But you never have to be an a**hole or treat anybody with disrespect. In such situations you're probably better off ignoring the jack-a** who is getting on your nerves and keep doing your own thing. This is actually what you do, if you're confident, self-assured and independent and you possess the 'good unsafe' traits in general.

I'm interested to know, how your parents are doing socially?

*VERY IMPORTANT: *I don't blame my parents for raising me the way they did. They absolutely did the best they could. I just think that my upbrining is the ultimate CAUSE that I'm still the shy person I always was. It's my responsibility to change it. If not just for my own sake, then maybe for my future children's sake, so they don't have to go waste many good years believing it's okay to be anti-social like I did.


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## dust3000 (Oct 13, 2009)




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## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

I said something to my mom today in which she replied, "That was hurtful". But instead of feeling guilty and telling her I'm sorry, I kept being an a**hole. Now her mood has changed and she's laughing at the little ways I'm making fun of her. I know this sounds horrible, but it's really not as bad as I make it out to be. My mind is in a completely different state. I'm able to think of witty comebacks, and it's so much easier for me to talk about stuff. Ideas are just flowing through me. I'm going out of control on facebook, commenting on people's statuses whom I don't usually talk to, and getting likes for my comments.

Obviously nobody likes an a**hole. But if that's what it takes for me to trigger my confidence and overcome my fear of communicating with people, then **** it I'm going to do it. I'm not trying to hurt my mom, I'm trying to remove the condition of always censoring myself around her. If I can't banter and joke around with my own family, then that rigidness is going to carry with me into my interactions with friends and girls that I meet.

Observing different groups of people throughout my life, I've always noticed the most entertaining aspect of their dynamic. And that's their ability to playfully talk sh*t to each other. When guys do this, it's often a sign of bonding. I've seen it at all my jobs I've worked at. I was never completely able to bond with my coworkers because I was too nice and didn't want to accidentally offend them. The truth is, the more offensive you are, the more friendly you are. As long as it's done in good spirit.


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## Primordial Loop (Apr 5, 2011)

If you feel this works, more power to you. Just don't be surprised when you pick up a few unsavory labels along the way.


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