# Therapists who don't say anything



## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Or who say hardly anything at all.

What is the purpose of this? Does anyone know? Eventually does the therapist actually tell you useful things?

I saw a therapist this week and it was so awkward. I felt very uncomfortable talking, which is to be expected, but I thought I was going to pass out during the long silences. I swear one was five minutes long. Once or twice she would kind of rephrase what I had just said, probably to make sure she understood what I was saying, but that was it.

I plan to go again next week because it's only $20 an hour (she's training, so the rate is especially low). Should I ask her to explain the style of therapy she does? It's relational psychotherapy, apparently, though I have no idea what that means.


----------



## alte (Sep 4, 2010)

Maybe she is new and inexperienced and does not know what to say in those situations. With training this should get better. She could also have anxiety. People in psychology/psychiatry are more likely to have mental disorders than average. It is what could have drawn them to the field.


----------



## ChangelingGirl (Nov 15, 2012)

I had a therapist who was like this in like 2005. Sucks, especially when like me you have anxiety-induced mutism. I don't know what the purpose is, but indeed she could be inexperienced and not have a clue what to say.


----------



## DubnRun (Oct 29, 2011)

I hate therapists, I gave up on them, absolutely despicable attitude on every single one except one...They were always late too.. just a joke really


----------



## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

This would infuriate me -Come right out and ask! The whole repeating what you say is intended to make you feel heard and understood.- You're supposed to do that with small children too,makes them feel that their words have value. I understand WHY they do it,but I think it's kind of gimmicky and patronizing.


----------



## paulyD (Feb 16, 2011)

pita said:


> Or who say hardly anything at all.
> 
> What is the purpose of this? Does anyone know? Eventually does the therapist actually tell you useful things?
> 
> ...


it's [email protected] wierd. i went to see a counsellor years ago and he sat there staring right into my eyes. and i sat there staring back at him in an awkward silence that went on and on and on. i was so shy back then that i was too scared to say to him ''what the **** is going on here?''

if that happend now i'd actually have the confidence to say '' what is the [email protected] point of this session? why the **** are you sitting in here with me in silence looking at me like a [email protected] weirdo?''


----------



## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Still Waters said:


> This would infuriate me -Come right out and ask! The whole repeating what you say is intended to make you feel heard and understood.- You're supposed to do that with small children too,makes them feel that their words have value. I understand WHY they do it,but I think it's kind of gimmicky and patronizing.


Yes, I think I'm going to ask. I agree that it's kind of gimmicky and patronizing to repeat everything the patient says.

I'd like a therapist to challenge me and even say things that I perhaps don't want to hear, so it may turn out that this just isn't the kind of therapy for me.


----------



## vstar401 (Nov 11, 2012)

pita said:


> Or who say hardly anything at all.
> 
> What is the purpose of this? Does anyone know? Eventually does the therapist actually tell you useful things?
> 
> ...


I think she needs therapy.


----------



## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

pita said:


> Yes, I think I'm going to ask. I agree that it's kind of gimmicky and patronizing to repeat everything the patient says.
> 
> I'd like a therapist to challenge me and even say things that I perhaps don't want to hear, so it may turn out that this just isn't the kind of therapy for me.


I had someone on this site tell me the other day that therapists are supposed to "hold you" in an emotional sense until you're strong enough to deal with your problems. - Made me want to puke -I want someone to give REAL feedback and ideas -look at me in an objective way and help me see what I need to see about myself - I don't want to be spoon fed a bunch of happy mush and given pats on the head -(That's what I have a mom for)-That is NOT what I'm paying for!!


----------



## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Still Waters said:


> I had someone on this site tell me the other day that therapists are supposed to "hold you" in an emotional sense until you're strong enough to deal with your problems. - Made me want to puke -I want someone to give REAL feedback and ideas -look at me in an objective way and help me see what I need to see about myself - I don't want to be spoon fed a bunch of happy mush and given pats on the head -(That's what I have a mom for)-That is NOT what I'm paying for!!


I can imagine that some people can't find that kind of treatment anywhere else and so they want it from their therapist, but I'm with you. I want real feedback from a therapist. Part of my reason for seeking therapy is that I can't view my own life objectively--I need the opinion of a trained outsider, really.


----------



## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

It is self-directed therapy I guess.


----------



## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

I only went to a few therapy sessions but the quiet ones were no help. Find someone who will ask you questions or direct them to ask you questions that will help you communicate. God if they just asked how are you and what's going on, that would've helped.


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

If you are looking for any type of validation or encouragement, this type of counselor won't provide it (it doesn't sound like it anyway). I went to one like that for 3 yrs and ended up blaming myself the whole time for not getting better. He would only rephrase whatever i said, which is the equivalent of me talking to myself (or the wall). He also refused to give me any suggestions. I felt totally left on my own. 

And what in the world is "relational therapy"? There is no school of thought that I ever learned called that. I mean it's all "relational," but if she meant Object Relations, then she's not doing it right. I think you should ask her to explain what the treatment will be like. But don't expect a straight answer. Something tells me she won't give you one. 

Anyway, it really depends on what will actually help you as an individual. She does need to get to know you, your experiences, your present circumstances, what will be useful for you, etc. so if you want to give it more time and see how it goes, you should. In my experience, my first impressions almost always turned out to be right, good or bad.


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Maybe you are the type who really could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral therapy--they like to ignore emotions and just mainly focus on your thoughts and trying to change them, and also doing behavior change thru graduated exposures. That would be a much more objective approach, and the therapist is more directive in that case rather than passively sitting there listening and not apparently doing much else, lol. 

One of the things a CB therapist does is called reframing. That helps you see things in your life from a different view other than the "distorted" one you are used to.


----------



## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Still Waters said:


> I had someone on this site tell me the other day that therapists are supposed to "hold you" in an emotional sense until you're strong enough to deal with your problems. - Made me want to puke -I want someone to give REAL feedback and ideas -look at me in an objective way and help me see what I need to see about myself - I don't want to be spoon fed a bunch of happy mush and given pats on the head -(That's what I have a mom for)-That is NOT what I'm paying for!!


I guess maybe I was the one who "made you want to puke."? IDK if it was my description or k's that you are referring to, but both of our descriptions were accurate and theoretically based. I have studied this and have personal experience with it. No one ever said therapy was supposed to be getting spoon fed a bunch of happy crap. It's not that simple. It's much more involved and complicated than that. It is a very hard process to go through for anyone. Different people need different things in order to get healthier or more stable or whatever. Some people need sensitivity, and other people need other things. Not everyone is the same. You seem to be quite judgmental toward others' needs that they have with their therapists, and it's insulting. Why can't you just respect that different people have different needs? Or go try it yourself and see how it really is?

And FYI, not everyone has or had a mom! (Or if they did, obviously some were neglectful or abusive.) That really got to me because my mother died when i was 5. Guess not everyone was as lucky as you.


----------



## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Pam said:


> I guess maybe I was the one who "made you want to puke."? IDK if it was my description or k's that you are referring to, but both of our descriptions were accurate and theoretically based. I have studied this and have personal experience with it. No one ever said therapy was supposed to be getting spoon fed a bunch of happy crap. It's not that simple. It's much more involved and complicated than that. It is a very hard process to go through for anyone. Different people need different things in order to get healthier or more stable or whatever. Some people need sensitivity, and other people need other things. Not everyone is the same. You seem to be quite judgmental toward others' needs that they have with their therapists, and it's insulting. Why can't you just respect that different people have different needs? Or go try it yourself and see how it really is?
> 
> And FYI, not everyone has or had a mom! (Or if they did, obviously some were neglectful or abusive.) That really got to me because my mother died when i was 5. Guess not everyone was as lucky as you.


Well,first of all,I WAS NOT referring to you - I looked over what I wrote - and I quite clearly said that is WHAT I WOULD WANT.- I never said this would be what everyone should or would want -again,only WHAT I WOULD WANT! I'm entitled to my own opinion and was not stating how it should be for everyone. I was merely making a point with the mom comment -a sort of contrast to what a "typical" mom might be like -My mother was certainly not the nurturing sort -I'm unclear of why you think this is a contest of some sort?? You would indeed have a fair argument if I had "announced" how all therapy should be handled -again,I did not do that -I was only talking about what I would need/want -I used the words-me,I and myself repeatedly throughout my response -


----------



## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

i know that some of them do that to introverts on purpose


----------



## Gleeman (Nov 16, 2012)

When going to a therapist, I believe it is important to know how they are going to go about helping you and if their proposed method resonates with you go for it. If you are not sure what the point of it is, what are you working towards? There are so many types of therapy and none of it works on everyone, however the therapy should work with you as the client. Your mind needs to learn to do things differently - do you have faith that she is the person that is going to teach it?


----------



## flowersforsarah (Nov 1, 2012)

I don't reccommend working with a new therapist. . (Honestly)


----------

