# Selective mutism



## Dollydaydream (Dec 9, 2011)

I have selective mutism along with my social anxiety and various other mental problems and although I've always had it we only recently realised it was a thing. I haven't actually spoken since July. We've tried anti anxiety pills, antidepressants, breathing, CBT, and I'm just starting art therapy but nothing's helped. 

I'm kind of desperate. Does anyone have any tips? At all? Amy other people with SM on here? Thanks. 

(I tried to post this before but it didn't work. Sorry if something weird's going on and there are suddenly two of them.)


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## nork123 (Oct 22, 2009)

Yeah I feel I have selective mutism along with SA, I just go mute around people and just can't seem to speak, except for a select few in my life but even that can be a struggle and they have complained about it before like "have you noticed that we never really actually talk any more?" or "do you realise we have been in complete silence for like 15 mins?". I had it bad when I was a kid to the point that home school was considered both by teachers and my parents, I literally would not speak often even when spoken to, and would often just whisper, I eventually managed to make a few close friends even with pretty severe SA and not being able to talk to anyone else but them, but it feels like around the age of 18 or so due to weed and other stresses and just not being able to cope with things its like my mind started going down that path again, I guess its always been there beneath the surface, I have my partner and she is essentially the only person I can talk calmly around and she accepts my issues and understands rather than moaning or complaining that I don't talk much

I'm not sure of tips really, maybe you could try and find ways just to practice expressing your thoughts and opinions like writing a diary, talking to yourself out loud when alone, or even recording yourself on tape so that way you could listen back, or find creative outlets like writing, drawing, music etc. My cousin has selective mutism to and she writes loads of poems, is really into photography and loves reading books


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## dracial (Feb 22, 2012)

Hello,
I just found out was a seperate from SA too. There is an eGroup for selective mutism on sas. Not sure what works to help. I know mine is stress triggered. 

If I stress it will sometimes happen and I wont be able to talk...sometimes for hours before I can speak again. The only thing that seems to help me is to calm down. Sorry if this doesnt help much. But I will be checking back here. I plan on researching SM more and will post any info that I find.


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## Syndacus (Aug 9, 2011)

I had this for awhile, where I went mute due to PTSD for 2-3 years. Today, I have it sometimes, usually in the morning and early afternoon. It blows especially when I try to make a phone call to remind my clients that they have a massage tomorrow.


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

I wish I could talk   

I can't seem to say a word unless they are close friends or family.


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## sparkplug74 (Feb 9, 2012)

I basically spent my whole childhood suffering from selective mutism. During my younger years I never talked to anyone whenever I am at school, except for my teachers. But I gradually got better and better as I grew older, until I finally got out of it after graduating from HS. But sadly, my severe SA didn't go away with it. I still have literally zero social life, just like old times.

You didn't put your age in your profile, but assuming you're still young chances are you'll eventually get out of it probably before reaching your 20's. But don't expect SA to go away with it, at least that's what happened to me.


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## tribute311 (Apr 8, 2008)

I had this when I was a kid.

I keep looking online for forums or communities, but don't find very many. Does Anyone know any good websites, forums, message boards, communities, etc related to selective mutism?


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## ChrissyQ (Apr 15, 2009)

I been sittin in my apartment mute for the majority of the past decade. If you not my close friend or family member I no talk to you lol jk


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

A persistent death worse than death.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

I have SM too, although it's pretty mild now. In elementary school, I spoke to all of 4 people. High school was a tiny bit better. I took Celexa and that helped a bit. I don't have any specific tips, but I think the main things for me have been to work on my self esteem and learn how to deal with anxiety. My way of reducing anxiety was to avoid social situations, hence the social phobia. I've read that with SM, when your mind freezes, it's sort of your brain's coping mechanism to deal with anxiety. I'm taking magnesium now and it seems to help my anxiety a bit, but it's not a cure. There's very little information about SM, and what info there is, it's mostly about kids, not adults.


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## daphnis (Feb 3, 2012)

I've had selective mutism ever since I was a born. It became severe as I grew older. And because of that, I have a hard time speaking to many people. Most of time, I put myself down for not having anything interesting to say. To this day, I do not know how to engage in conversation.

In my desperation, I decided to do Youtube videos and I talk. That way, I'll get used to talking... even if it's just behind the camera.


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## VictorHotel (May 12, 2007)

I was always very shy as a child and never talked much. People always said I was quiet. From the age of 12 to until I left I wouldn't talk in school. Occasionally I would answer yes or no, but usually I'd just shake my head.

For me it happened gradually until one day I just realized I had no friends and I hadn't said a word in months. At home I would talk, maybe too much, not because I felt comfortable, but because I didn't want my family to know I had this problem. Then, and still now to some degree, I was very angry that no one seemed to care about it. Teachers generally ignored it and I was in the 10th grade before anyone told my mother. Even then they just told her I was "quiet".

Now I still have trouble talking to people but I force myself because my family is usually around and they have never seen me when I'm mute. Sometimes there are things I want to say to them that I go over in my head forever only to end up not saying them at all. "Thank You" is a big one, if I don't say it quick enough I feel like too much time has past and they'll make a big deal about it.


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## victoriangirl (Jan 2, 2009)

I need something explained to me; Lately I notice that I just do not want to talk, like I have no energy to say anything, yet I have enough energy to go out for a run. I've never been a big talker and have anxiety around people but to completely want to go quiet for a long time is quite new to me. 

Besides not wanting to talk, it is like my brain shuts down and because this usually happens at work, I begin to communicate with my eyes and hands. People either probably think I have completely lost it, or they think I am working on this very important piece of paper and I need to concentrate.

It also feels like there is this weight around my lips/mouth/tongue and so they stay 'quiet'. 

Is this selective mutism or is it my laziness or my preference to utter as little as possible ....


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## ArcheKoeln (Mar 28, 2012)

victoriangirl said:


> I need something explained to me; Lately I notice that I just do not want to talk, like I have no energy to say anything, yet I have enough energy to go out for a run. I've never been a big talker and have anxiety around people but to completely want to go quiet for a long time is quite new to me.
> 
> Besides not wanting to talk, it is like my brain shuts down and because this usually happens at work, I begin to communicate with my eyes and hands. People either probably think I have completely lost it, or they think I am working on this very important piece of paper and I need to concentrate.
> 
> ...


If you admit you have anxiety around people, I would think it's selective mutism.

Not to sound condescending, but I don't know anyone too LAZY to say a few words.

This weighty feeling on your mouth may be anxiousness creeping in on you.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

victoriangirl said:


> I need something explained to me; Lately I notice that I just do not want to talk, like I have no energy to say anything, yet I have enough energy to go out for a run. I've never been a big talker and have anxiety around people but to completely want to go quiet for a long time is quite new to me.
> Besides not wanting to talk, it is like my brain shuts down and because this usually happens at work, I begin to communicate with my eyes and hands. People either probably think I have completely lost it, or they think I am working on this very important piece of paper and I need to concentrate.
> It also feels like there is this weight around my lips/mouth/tongue and so they stay 'quiet'.
> Is this selective mutism or is it my laziness or my preference to utter as little as possible ....


The main symptom with SM is WANTING to speak, but something is holding you back. It's having the ability to speak, but in certain situations, you CAN'T, even if you desperately want to. It's torture. I can't speak for everyone, but for me, it's partly about believing that nothing I say is significant or worth saying, and I don't want to be noticed anyway. I've read (and this is also how I feel personally) that with SM, your brain doesn't know how to deal with the sensory input it's receiving, so it's coping mechanism is to shut down. This is supposedly what causes the feeling of your mind being paralyzed. This may be tied in with sensory integration dysfunction. Victoriangirl, have you also looked into social phobia? You can PM me if you want.

ArcheKoeln, if SM was defined as having anxiety around people, then everyone on this forum would have SM. That's just social anxiety. SM is much more specific.


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## ArcheKoeln (Mar 28, 2012)

Samtrix said:


> ArcheKoeln, if SM was defined as having anxiety around people, then everyone on this forum would have SM. That's just social anxiety. SM is much more specific.


I'm aware. I meant that of what she had mentioned in her post, it's more likely SM than laziness or disinterest.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Sorry, I misunderstood.


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## Wall of Red (Jun 24, 2011)

I've had a stutter since the age of eight which while obviously not the same thing it does involve a lot of the same underlying issues like extreme anxiety in speaking situations and the worry of being disfluent around certain people. Also the shame of not being fluent can cause problems when beating yourself up over it later. There are a couple of stuttering forums (Stuttering Community and Stuttering Forum) which may be of interest to you as people there will probably be able to relate to some of what you have experienced.


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## D LA Girl (Oct 15, 2012)

*Do I have selective mutism Or Schizophrenia??*

Hello,I am an 18 year old female who always have been really shy and quiet. At home, I can speak, talk, or yell around my immediate family with no problem. But as soon as there is a vistor that I barley see or know I am silent unless I am comfortable around them then I'll talk. As long as I can remember, I've always had trouble speaking especially around alot of people or strangers. In school, I would never talk unless I had to read in class(through out K-10 grade when I went to public school). And when I did read I would get anxiety and stutter. When the teacher assigned projects that we had to present in front of the class I would either forget what I have to say during my presentation or I would do what ever in my power to avoid presenting. Such as missing school, skipping that class, or not doing the project at all. I rarely talk at school during lunch and rarley made friends. When kids that I do not know came up to me to talk I would always act distant and emtionless. I've always wanted to be a social butterfly and have many friends to hang out with but I am unable to keep up with a conversation or even relate to people. Don't get me wrong, I did have friends at home and till this day they are my friends. But now that I am older and in computer school I havn't been spending time with them and it makes it harder for me to talk to them like I used to. The more I think of it and the older I get I start have trouble talking to anyone including my immediate family. I even fear going out to social events or family function becuase I fear being embarrass. I choose to stay home to avoid feeling embarrass for being out in public even though I want to go places and have fun. This really sucks.(my head hurts so much right now that I don't even know if all this makes any sense But please help)


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## berlingot (Nov 2, 2005)

ah, so here are where the selective mutes are in this forum.  i started a thread about adults who were formerly selectively mute over in the Coping With Social Anxiety forum, in case anyone's interested. turns out social anxiety & depression are common problems in adults who had childhood selective mutism.

have any of you heard of "progressive selective mutism," in which the mutism gets worse as you get older & it even affects your relationships with family members? i think i had this problem my whole life, but it's started to affect my relationship with my siblings now that we're all adults.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

D LA Girl said:


> Hello,I am an 18 year old female who always have been really shy and quiet. At home, I can speak, talk, or yell around my immediate family with no problem. But as soon as there is a vistor that I barley see or know I am silent unless I am comfortable around them then I'll talk. As long as I can remember, I've always had trouble speaking especially around alot of people or strangers. In school, I would never talk unless I had to read in class(through out K-10 grade when I went to public school). And when I did read I would get anxiety and stutter. When the teacher assigned projects that we had to present in front of the class I would either forget what I have to say during my presentation or I would do what ever in my power to avoid presenting. Such as missing school, skipping that class, or not doing the project at all. I rarely talk at school during lunch and rarley made friends. When kids that I do not know came up to me to talk I would always act distant and emtionless. I've always wanted to be a social butterfly and have many friends to hang out with but I am unable to keep up with a conversation or even relate to people. Don't get me wrong, I did have friends at home and till this day they are my friends. But now that I am older and in computer school I havn't been spending time with them and it makes it harder for me to talk to them like I used to. The more I think of it and the older I get I start have trouble talking to anyone including my immediate family. I even fear going out to social events or family function becuase I fear being embarrass. I choose to stay home to avoid feeling embarrass for being out in public even though I want to go places and have fun. This really sucks.(my head hurts so much right now that I don't even know if all this makes any sense But please help)


No, it sounds like social anxiety to me.


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## paulyD (Feb 16, 2011)

Dollydaydream said:


> I have selective mutism along with my social anxiety and various other mental problems and although I've always had it we only recently realised it was a thing. I haven't actually spoken since July. We've tried anti anxiety pills, antidepressants, breathing, CBT, and I'm just starting art therapy but nothing's helped.
> 
> I'm kind of desperate. Does anyone have any tips? At all? Amy other people with SM on here? Thanks.
> 
> (I tried to post this before but it didn't work. Sorry if something weird's going on and there are suddenly two of them.)


you need support. you need help from a counsellor and /or a support group. you need support from family and friends. and also in the situations that you don't talk in e.g in school or work or what ever then the people there need to know about your problems and encourage you to speak

if you are in a classroom and you are afraid of speaking it doesn't matter how much support you get from family or counsellors outside of the classroom because you still wont speak if the people in the classroom arent supportive either


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## D LA Girl (Oct 15, 2012)

berlingot said:


> ah, so here are where the selective mutes are in this forum.  i started a thread about adults who were formerly selectively mute over in the Coping With Social Anxiety forum, in case anyone's interested. turns out social anxiety & depression are common problems in adults who had childhood selective mutism.
> 
> have any of you heard of "progressive selective mutism," in which the mutism gets worse as you get older & it even affects your relationships with family members? i think i had this problem my whole life, but it's started to affect my relationship with my siblings now that we're all adults.


definitely, My relationship with my friends and family is being affected by my lack of social communcation/skills. I withdraw myself from them and most time when I do hang out with my friends I keep stuff to myself or talk to much about myself. Sometimes, when I feel like there is nothing to talk about I keep quiet and it gets awakward (of course). Sometimes, I pressure myself to say something, which ends up being so random and out of the blu, to get things going or I even just randomly laugh. Weird huh?


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## D LA Girl (Oct 15, 2012)

Cam1 said:


> No, it sounds like social anxiety to me.


I agree, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it to see what he say. Thank you for clearing that up.


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## janerikcs (May 23, 2010)

maybe i have it too, i never talk or respond to anyone i don't know very well.


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## berlingot (Nov 2, 2005)

does anyone here know that October is Selective Mutism Awareness Month? i found this out on Facebook, as well as some groups that offer support & awareness. you can also join the Selective Mutism Group here.


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## moonshiner (Oct 18, 2012)

I've had selective mutism, I was never diagnosed with it but I'm sure that I had it. Since I was born I was always over-protected by my mom and never had the encouragement to engage with others including family. I would never speak a word to certain people, my doctor, and my whole family except for my parents and my cousins who were around my age. It wasn't until I was 17 when I just cracked and broke down because I was dealing with something and the only way through it was to get a medical note so I just burst out and talked to my doctor. After that I started speaking to people at family gatherings and honestly it was such a relief and a shock to me. I was amazed at how easy it was. They were all use to me just nodding and smiling so when it came to actually talking to them the majority never made a scene about it or anything like that. A very few number came up to me and said I'm glad you're talking now which isn't too bad it's also a great opportunity to just come out and tell someone why you weren't speaking or seek out help.


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## mutebob (Dec 12, 2005)

I also had selective mutism since I can remember through high school. I don't have it anymore but the damage has been done.


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## berlingot (Nov 2, 2005)

mutebob said:


> I also had selective mutism since I can remember through high school. I don't have it anymore but the damage has been done.


same here. i feel like damaged goods. children can get treatment for this, but the rest of us are left in the dust.


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## ChrissyQ (Apr 15, 2009)

I'm a Selective Mute adult! Please join my Selective Mutism Group here click on eGroups at the top


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## bestfriendmutism (Apr 8, 2013)

I am 16 years old and my best friend has been struggling with selective mutism her entire life. She can't talk in school and she also suffers from not being able to express her feelings to her family and the two relationships she has been in. She won't express her feelings at all and hasn't told her parents she loved them back in years. The only people I have heard her say I love you to are her best friends. She shows weird attachment to her me and her best friends and affection to them but nobody else including boyfriends. Its complicated and nobody understands it at all or knows what to do. If you ask her if she likes her own boyfriend she will say I don't know, even though we both know she does she is literally unable to say yes. She doesn't do it to be funny or to get attention because it has been like this for her entire life. Advice, similar story, any reply to this at all?!?!?!?! She won't talk about her disorder either, she has no desire to fix it or even shows that she cares about it.


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## Gracie97 (Jan 17, 2013)

Look, don't attack me for saying this, but has anyone on these forums actually considered natural therapies? People all just seem to think, "Let's pile ourselves up with meds and things should be fixed".
I don't want to offend people, but when they complain that meds do nothing, it's like they think they're magic pills and don't take initiative to change their own lives.
Before anyone says "You don't know what it's like", well I do, and I got out of it by actively changing my life, without meds, or expecting therapy to just magically solve my problems. 
Sorry just had to say it.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Do selective mutes have alexithymia (not know what you're feeling) too? Or blank out? Or do you know what you're feeling and want to say but just can't?


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Gracie97, I agree that everyone needs to make the effort to help themselves. A lot of people on here are using natural therapies, but I doubt they're in the majority.

popeet, I don't think people with SM have alexithymia, but of course, that's in my almighty, expert opinion. I obviously can't speak for everyone with SM, but for me, I have no problem knowing what I'm feeling. My issue is that I'm so sensitive that I get overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety. If/when I'm in a comfortable setting, i.e. no brain freeze, I normally know what I'm feeling.
I took this test http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html and I'm high in some areas, and low in others, I really doubt I have it. From what I've read, alexithymia is partly characterized by not understanding other peoples' feeling, which seems to be the opposite of SM.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Samtrix said:


> popeet, I don't think people with SM have alexithymia, but of course, that's in my almighty, expert opinion. I obviously can't speak for everyone with SM, but for me, I have no problem knowing what I'm feeling. My issue is that I'm so sensitive that I get overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety. If/when I'm in a comfortable setting, i.e. no brain freeze, I normally know what I'm feeling.
> I took this test http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html and I'm high in some areas, and low in others, I really doubt I have it. From what I've read, alexithymia is partly characterized by not understanding other peoples' feeling, which seems to be the opposite of SM.


Thanks for that... interesting. Do you get brain freeze when in a not-comfortable situation?

Husband has this peculiar problem. I think he has a bit of SM but also he can't identify what he's feeling. He can't tell what ppl in front of him are feeling. But he can identify what others are feeling in films, and cries empathically. Perhaps it's ADHD-I or an ASD or something else.


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## Psi (Mar 3, 2013)

I had SM at an early age. There was a period when I felt comfortable and free to talk when I changed schools. Even after that I suffered from severe social anxiety in junior high school, and then high school and on. I was able to talk and express myself, but I felt heavy shame everytime I did so. I never thought the not talking-part was the problem for me. It was this feeling of shame that held it all in. It felt like nothing mattered what I would say.. And I felt deep shame and guilt when I expressed myself in school. I wish people would've seen that I was so anxious in social situations before, but I didn't get treatment up until later years. The mutistic period and the severe anxiety in school left deep scars in my sense of self. I just hope I can still get better.. This disorder has ruled my life all the way from my early childhood up to early adulthood.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

popeet said:


> Thanks for that... interesting. Do you get brain freeze when in a not-comfortable situation?


I get brain freeze when I'm being confronted, even something as simple as someone saying hi to me. When I'm not anxious, I can think and act normally, which is basically the definition of SM.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

^ oh ok, I was interpreting 'brain freeze' as blanking out and equating blanking out with a stress-induced alexithymia in addition to SM.


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## The Silent Juan (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, I think I have selective mutism. It started like when I was in 4-5k, now I'm in junior in high school. It's so funny what I'll do so that I won't have to speak, I worked my way around a lot of problems. I also usually get very shy around people, and I only speak to family. Recently I've been trying to put an end to it, just a few months ago I ordered pizza at pizza hut. A few weeks before that I answered a question by a Janitor at another school were I was working at during summer. I think I'm afraid to speak to people that I know I will meet again. I have not said a word to anybody at school since 5k. I would be sooo nervous when in the first week of school, the teachers said it was time to introduce our selves to one another. I wouldn't say anything, just look down at the floor. Those were the worst times. A couple of months ago I said "four" when a Walmart cashier asked me how many doughnuts I had in the bag, even though I could have just easily used my fingers like I used to. Recently I've been playing an online game, I am leader of the clan, it's pretty big, I speak with them with Team-speak, sometimes I get nervous, but they can't tell. I also stutter, but I didn't use to stutter before. So I'm careful on what I say, since I have many enemies online who would pick on me if they knew that I stutter frequently. But if I really really had to, I think I would be able to speak. I can't wait for college, I think that when I don't know anyone there, I'll be able to speak freely, but I'm not sure. I am pretty intelligent, have some honors classes. I also participate in cross country and Track long distance runs, I'm very fit, and most people cannot tell that I don't speak to them unless someone tells them. Took like 3-4 weeks for some teachers to find out. But at my new school, which is small, the teachers all already knew before I got to their class, so there was less stress in it for me


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## Eloa (Jul 30, 2013)

victoriangirl said:


> I need something explained to me; Lately I notice that I just do not want to talk, like I have no energy to say anything, yet I have enough energy to go out for a run. I've never been a big talker and have anxiety around people but to completely want to go quiet for a long time is quite new to me.
> 
> Besides not wanting to talk, it is like my brain shuts down and because this usually happens at work, I begin to communicate with my eyes and hands. People either probably think I have completely lost it, or they think I am working on this very important piece of paper and I need to concentrate.
> 
> ...


I have this same problem! I've been wondering about it too. I've been thinking maybe its SM but can that really happen suddenly in adulthood?

Also, sometimes I really want to say something, but I can't, because its like my mouth has gone on vacation and doesn't want to do any work anymore (even though, because I'm quiet, it wasn't really doing much work before either).


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## annabrown (Jun 9, 2014)

Hello, this thread may be old but I really need some help. My girlfriend has selective mutism as well as social anxiety and has had it nearly all her life. She is now 18 years old and currently at university doing stage management which asks for her to be able to communicate with people in a team and crew based system. However she has been asked to do a presentation where by she has to speak for ten minutes about a topic of theatre she chooses. She is confidant in the subject and is confidant in her academic abilities however she is saying to me that she cannot do the presentation because she has to speak it and because of her selective mutism she knows that she wont say anything. This is very upsetting for her and as I am trying to help saying you can practice with me and the other people in her flat she refuses to saying that she knows it will be pointless because she wont say anything in that situation. Because of this she knows she wont get a good grade and will loose marks for eye contact, speaking and so on. Which just brings it full circle and means she is even more upset. 

Does any one have any tips on how I can help her?


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