# Friends who never text first or initiate conversation..



## Alwaysanxiousgirl

Does anyone else have any issues with this and know how to deal?

I know I’m probably over thinking this entire situation, but back in March I started talking to an old friend from HS, trying to reconnect with her in hopes of becoming closer because I really need girlfriends (I pretty much only have guy friends). We started talking and things seemed okay; she responded well so I suggested that we hang out so we could catch up and, after a lot of trial and error trying to match both our schedules, we did. We met up and talked for like four or five hours and before I had to go we made unofficial plans to hang out again, but so far it’s been a month and she hasn’t gotten back to me about them. We talk like once a week, if that, and it’s always me initiating the conversation, and our conversations are very brief. When we talked in person she mentioned that she doesn’t really like to text a lot, and I sort of understand, but whenever she tells me she’s going to get back to me about something (like, for example what she thought about last week’s episode of a show we both watch) and she doesn’t, I take it personally. I guess I’m just confused because when we talk I don’t feel like she’s doing it out of obligation or anything, but as far as the friendship aspect goes, I don’t know where she stands. And in the past I’ve tried to hint about hanging out and she’ll agree and say we should, but then it just turns into another cycle of her never getting back to me about it.


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## Nads

I'm going through something similar. Like I'm always the one to initiate everything when it comes to my friends. I'm tired of it. I wish friends would just call or text every once and while to hang or do something. Makes me wonder sometimes if they only hang because they feel obligated. I don't know. It sucks even more when you see them on Facebook doing things with their other friends and not including you. Friends really start to suck more and more as you get older.


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## musiclover55

I got tired of that too, so I stopped. Now I have 0 friends.


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## Overthinker80

Tell me about it.

My "best friend" from high school and College probably does not consider me a friend anymore because I didn't contact him for almost a year after he moved across the country, and while I realize that I should have called him, he's just as much to blame as me, in fact, more so, because I called him several times last summer and he only returned my calls after like a month with one single message to say that he was pissed at me for calling so early and waking him up lol.

Now I have been leaving messages on his phone and he refuses to answer my calls and I know it's because he's decided he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because it's all MY fault that we don't talk.

I'll admit I put in very little effort, but he puts in ZERO effort so it's a double standard.

And now after calling him like 10 times I finally left him a message sincerely apologizing and telling him how much his friendship means to me but that if he doesn't want to be friends anymore and won't call me back then there's nothing I can do it about it and I'm just going to have to accept it, and wished him the best in life and said I hope his life is going well and he's happy.

I screwed up, but apparently there's no double standard and it's TOTALLY ok he didn't call me EVER, even when I called him first.

If he'd EVER left me a message I would have returned his calls promptly (the only time I didn't was the last time where he just got back to me to yell at me for waking him up...but I guess I should have)....but he NEVER called.

He was ALWAYS that way, in highschool and college and the whole time I knew him he probably called me a total of about 10-12 times while I probably called him over 100 times, and of the few times he called me most of them were him calling me back, barely EVER calling me first.

And I don't even care and forgive him for that, but apparently he can't forgive me for the same.

It makes me question how many "friends" I've really had in my life who wouldn't turn their back on me if I screwed up or hold up a double standard.


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## Alwaysanxiousgirl

Nads said:


> I'm going through something similar. Like I'm always the one to initiate everything when it comes to my friends. I'm tired of it. I wish friends would just call or text every once and while to hang or do something. Makes me wonder sometimes if they only hang because they feel obligated. I don't know. It sucks even more when you see them on Facebook doing things with their other friends and not including you. Friends really start to suck more and more as you get older.


I totally understand where you're coming from...especially about the FB posts. 
*sigh*


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## Alwaysanxiousgirl

musiclover55 said:


> I got tired of that too, so I stopped. Now I have 0 friends.


That's exactly what I am afraid of.


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## Alwaysanxiousgirl

Overthinker80 said:


> Tell me about it.
> 
> My "best friend" from high school and College probably does not consider me a friend anymore because I didn't contact him for almost a year after he moved across the country, and while I realize that I should have called him, he's just as much to blame as me, in fact, more so, because I called him several times last summer and he only returned my calls after like a month with one single message to say that he was pissed at me for calling so early and waking him up lol.
> 
> Now I have been leaving messages on his phone and he refuses to answer my calls and I know it's because he's decided he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because it's all MY fault that we don't talk.
> 
> I'll admit I put in very little effort, but he puts in ZERO effort so it's a double standard.
> 
> And now after calling him like 10 times I finally left him a message sincerely apologizing and telling him how much his friendship means to me but that if he doesn't want to be friends anymore and won't call me back then there's nothing I can do it about it and I'm just going to have to accept it, and wished him the best in life and said I hope his life is going well and he's happy.
> 
> I screwed up, but apparently there's no double standard and it's TOTALLY ok he didn't call me EVER, even when I called him first.
> 
> If he'd EVER left me a message I would have returned his calls promptly (the only time I didn't was the last time where he just got back to me to yell at me for waking him up...but I guess I should have)....but he NEVER called.
> 
> He was ALWAYS that way, in highschool and college and the whole time I knew him he probably called me a total of about 10-12 times while I probably called him over 100 times, and of the few times he called me most of them were him calling me back, barely EVER calling me first.
> 
> And I don't even care and forgive him for that, but apparently he can't forgive me for the same.
> 
> It makes me question how many "friends" I've really had in my life who wouldn't turn their back on me if I screwed up or hold up a double standard.


That sucks, and I understand what you're saying when you talk about "Double standards"...I lost one of my best friends like that too three years ago...it sucks, and it really does make you wonder whether you meant anything to them at all if they can just end it just like that. But people change, I guess..


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## Berzerko

same thing happened here, tried to re-connect with old H.S friends the whole experience was awkward. sometimes people just wanna be nice and feign interest because its easier than turning someone down idk


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## nrelax11

She either doesn't really want to hangout or like you said, she doesn't like texting. I know a few people who are the opposite and refuse to talk on the phone. I should be the one to talk though, because I tend to not talk to my friends that often, not because I dont care about them, but because of my anxiety. Im glad my best friend understands though. Hell, they all have girlfriends anyways and dont hit me up that much either.


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## cloud90

idk I never text first, They always do.
But then again i only have female friends/benifits.


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## Puppy Parent

I'm in the same situation with everyone I know. I no longer really think I have any friends.

I see all their posts on Facebook and they're hanging out with everyone else/each other/random people, but never me. No one wants to start a conversation with me, the only phone calls I get are from my mother. Not sure what's wrong with me but eh. 

At this point, I'm fairly sure I could be in serious trouble and need someone to lean on or pick me up/help me etc, and no one would be willing. Sometimes I wonder how society will ever go on..


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## Frostbite

I am that friend that *'never text first or initiate conversation'

*I always respond when they do. I don't initiate anything because it's safer that way I guess.


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## Nojz

I am that friend. I'm not very good at initiating conversation unless I've got something specific to say.

I do reply though. Eventually. Usually.


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## Overthinker80

Frostbite said:


> I am that friend that *'never text first or initiate conversation'
> 
> *I always respond when they do. I don't initiate anything because it's safer that way I guess.


Just make sure that you don't hold it against your friends though if they don't contact you for a really long time, like even a year, cause if you do that's totally unfair and a double standard.

If this is the way you are and you lose contact with people because of it, then you are at least PARTIALLY to blame.

I should know because I have a hard time making myself contact my old friends, but at least I do it once in a while, and like in my story, I have friends who won't even do that much and then blame me.


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## TobeyJuarez

Lol...I'm "that guy" but only in real life... If its people I only know over the internet I will try to initiate ad much as they do but I never initiate texting or calling unless its a girl I'm interested in... Otherwise I let other people do the initiating.. I don't know why... It'd just a habit I've fallen into


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## Kris10

Girls are flakey. That's why I don't have girlfriends.

guys will ALWAYS talk to me

I say stick to guy friends.


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## ChuckBrown

I don't have any friends, not sure if I want any. A girlfriend would be nice.


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## Secretly Pretentious

I'm ashamed to admit that I am that friend that never initiates anything. Hanging out or talking with people feels more anxiety provoking than pleasant because of my SA. Plus I'm convinced that my company is more of an annoyance than anything for others. So I tend to avoid it. I'm even more ashamed to admit that I often fail to respond to texts/messages. I'm often out of ear-shot of my phone since nobody really talks to me anyway. So I see texts hours after they've already been sent. I wonder if it would be appropriate to send a text back after so long. Before I know it, it's been 2 weeks and I'm still stressing about making a decision. By then, I decide it would be too weird to respond back. I'm embarrassed that I don't have any friends because of my behavior, but I definitely think it's for the best. I'm just not psychologically well enough to enjoy people the way they should be.

I wouldn't be surprised if your friend in question is like me. Be friendly to her if you ever see her, but don't waste your time/energy trying to bond. It's not any fault of yours. It's just a handicap of hers.

Of course that's assuming she acts this way with everyone. If she enjoys talking and going out with other people besides you, then something totally different is going on. She's probably doesn't have any interest in you and is too cowardly to say it.


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## To22

I'm very much like that. I rarely initiate, I only do so when I feel it's important or necessary. I just find conversation very mundane & tedious(especially texting). If I try forcing myself to converse I end up saying really weird things. I rarely long for *close* friends...

...anyways, although I've never been on the other end of the stick, I can imagine how uneasy a situation like this would be. She may not be amused in many of the ways you are when it comes to socializing and so certain acts of relationship management don't come natural to her. In regards to her not living up to her plans, she may just get too caught up in the moment. She may feel like what she says is most appropriate and she may have an underlying urge to be a good friend, but when the future arrives feelings or other things get in the way.

Does she have many other *close* female friends? If she doesn't, she's definitely the type that needs more reason to initiate (like potential romance or the planning of an activity that doesn't revolve around conversation). If she does she may not be resonating with you that well.


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## callmebas

musiclover55 said:


> I got tired of that too, so I stopped. Now I have 0 friends.


This.

I had one friend who didn't call or care at all. I was the one initiating everything, and kept this going on because i was afraid of losing even the half friend i had. But in the end i got mad, thinking 'who does he think he is', and now i don't give a damn about that self centered ****. He called me once after 2 months of no contact and i ignored, and 2 months after that, not even text. That's how much he cared.


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## Overthinker80

callmebas said:


> This.
> 
> I had one friend who didn't call or care at all. I was the one initiating everything, and kept this going on because i was afraid of losing even the half friend i had. But in the end i got mad, thinking 'who does he think he is', and now i don't give a damn about that self centered ****. He called me once after 2 months of no contact and i ignored, and 2 months after that, not even text. That's how much he cared.


But he DID call you, so I say give him another chance.

Like I said, I didn't contact my friend for a year and I really should have and don't know why, but now I am trying to contact him and if he was ever a good friend he should return my calls.

Afterall, we went to both college and high school together and he NEVER initiated, so he has no leg to stand on saying I'm wrong for taking a year to call him when he NEVER called me (well, just once to yell at me for waking him up, and that barely counts).


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## quetzal

Secretly Pretentious said:


> I'm ashamed to admit that I am that friend that never initiates anything. Hanging out or talking with people feels more anxiety provoking than pleasant because of my SA. Plus I'm convinced that my company is more of an annoyance than anything for others. So I tend to avoid it. I'm even more ashamed to admit that I often fail to respond to texts/messages. I'm often out of ear-shot of my phone since nobody really talks to me anyway. So I see texts hours after they've already been sent. I wonder if it would be appropriate to send a text back after so long. Before I know it, it's been 2 weeks and I'm still stressing about making a decision. By then, I decide it would be too weird to respond back. I'm embarrassed that I don't have any friends because of my behavior, but I definitely think it's for the best. I'm just not psychologically well enough to enjoy people the way they should be.


I am also somebody who rarely texts first or initiates conversation with friends, and this response in particular really resonated with me.

I am truly ashamed of the friendships that I've ruined due to my anxiety and self-loathing. I will get a response from a friend, be very genuinely happy to hear from them... and then literally take weeks or months or years to respond because I am so worried about what to say. I will think of the other person during my week, create imagined responses... and never actually respond to them. I have an unhelpful but deeply rooted belief that if others truly got to know me, they would not want to be my friend, which makes it hard for me to see myself as anything other than a bother to others.

I've also noticed that these patterns are cyclical for me: I will feel bad about myself for losing a friend and sad that the relationship ended, which will make me even more reluctant to risk developing a close friendship with someone, making it even more unlikely that I will initiate conversations with someone new I've met (and may really like!). It doesn't make logical sense to act the way I have with people that I genuinely care about, but social anxiety isn't very logical, I guess.

This isn't a very helpful reply, OP, but I guess I'm just chiming in to agree that it may not be personal? It could be, and I've also been on that side of it, which is definitely very painful. But there may be more to it than that. I really hope that you are able to find some great friends (maybe including this former high school friend, maybe someone else) who make you feel appreciated and welcomed and cared about, which you absolutely deserve. Good luck!


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## always starting over

It sucks because my attitude is "if they can't bother to text me first at least once, then f*** em". Then we just never end up talking again, and I take that as proof that they never liked me in the first place.


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## jimjam

always starting over said:


> It sucks because my attitude is "if they can't bother to text me first at least once, then f*** em". Then we just never end up talking again, and I take that as proof that they never liked me in the first place.


I used to (still do) have this thought process. I'm slowly learning that its not true. That its an unrealistic unhealthy thought.

But then again, when I send out a single text message to a person asking "whats up?" maybe once every two weeks... and never get a reply... well, I don't know what to think. Its creepy looking to see only texts on my side of the conversation, with no replies. It gives the impression that they don't want to respond, ya know?


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## BakedBanana

I have a friend who just doesn't understand why I never initiate conversations, hes simply over thinking the situation thinking that I'm not interested in talking, that's just me, I barely initiate conversation because I prefer to just chat about important things to people. I hate the "hey how are, ok cool *end of conversation*" which is what it turns into with him, that or repetitive stuff.


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## ShakeyHands

BakedBanana said:


> I hate the "hey how are, ok cool *end of conversation*" which is what it turns into with him, that or repetitive stuff.


Dude, I've been talking to a girl that does this EXACT, i mean EXACT thing... and while i think it's cool because it shows she atleast remembers my existence; it is weird sometimes....one night she asked me if had plans and I responded "no,, y? wanna chill?" Only to find out she was already at some bbq or sumthing... (????????)


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## friendlyfires

I stopped trying to initiate, now I have 0 friends. It's been 6 months.


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## Miyu

I know how it feels. way too well.

and then after they don't contact me for like a ... month? again, I intiate a contact with quick "well, long time no see/talk/hear, how have you been?"

and yep, I'm not kidding, in 99% no one ever replies. it's like they're mad at me for not contacting them for so long. but it was THEM who "BROKE" the contact. them who didn't care enough to at least say hi. it really does get exhausting after a while. and for some friends even if I like drop a message weekly/bi-weekly, like a quick "hello" ... no one ever replies. and even when they do ... it seems forced.

for god's sake, if you don't wanna hang out with me, JUST SAY SO.

and thaat's how I lose all my friends. I wanna talk to them, but they never reply ... and after some time I just stop sending them messages, or do it less frequently, since I don't wanna annoy them ... and then I "give them some space" ... and then I contact them again ... and then, either they don't reply or they reply in a very angry/annoyed/dissapointed tone (it's very obvious even from FB messages or texts ...) like they're angry with me for not contacting them for so long. I DID. but I stopped after a while, cause you DIDN'T REPLY and I didn't wanna annoy you further.

is it such a big deal to write "hi" back, intiate some quick talk? just so that I know that you are still interested in being my friend, that we're still on the ... same waveline? 

it's horribly exhausting and once I really don't have energy to keep up with trying to intiate contact with someone again and again anymore ... I lose friends. 

*rant off*


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## PurrPanther

Here, in this town anyway, the most common type of people who do that also tend to only text you when they are either bored, lonely or...need something from you. That's why I stick to my 1 only girl best friend and family


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## Catgut

I believe most of you are overthinking the problem. Think of facebook, texting, etc as a tool that could lead to social interaction, but not an actual conversation, because it is not. Frankly, I imagine that it must be annoying to constantly receive purposeless messages from some friend that I like somewhat, but I'm not gungho about.

People need to stop investing emotionally in *tools* such as the phone or the internet. There are so many nuances and cues from actual face to face or phone interaction that can't be conveyed through a text message.

When dealing with people who have moved to another city/state/country, realize that you're lucky if you trade emails once or twice a month. That's just how it is. Invest in building relationships with people that are actually AROUND you - not only you won't become frustrated by the inevitable awkwardness of sustaining a prolongued conversation with someone you haven't seen in years, but it'll also help you deal with your social anxiety.

As for the politics of texting, I find that this method works best: always reply soon after you see the message, be objective, brief, and always *offer* something - eg, "I'm going to the bar/club/movies/mall, call me if you wanna meet up". Notice from this example how you can invite people without depending on their answer; if they don't reply or flake, their loss, they lost the opportunity to hang out at the bar or whatever.

tl;dr version - just chill and don't act clingy with facebook or phone messages


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## Alwaysanxiousgirl

Catgut said:


> As for the politics of texting, I find that this method works best: always reply soon after you see the message, be objective, brief, and always *offer* something - eg, "I'm going to the bar/club/movies/mall, call me if you wanna meet up". Notice from this example how you can invite people without depending on their answer; if they don't reply or flake, their loss, they lost the opportunity to hang out at the bar or whatever.
> 
> tl;dr version - just chill and don't act clingy with facebook or phone messages


That's really sound advice, but I think the last part is the part that a majority of us (or at least I do) struggle with. It's really hard for me not to read into things and take things personally, especially when it keeps happening. And I'm not the kind of person who goes "Well, screw them then." I take the self-pitying 'What's wrong with me?' route.


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## jimjam

Catgut said:


> I believe most of you are overthinking the problem. Think of facebook, texting, etc as a tool that could lead to social interaction, but not an actual conversation, because it is not. Frankly, I imagine that it must be annoying to constantly receive purposeless messages from some friend that I like somewhat, but I'm not gungho about.
> 
> People need to stop investing emotionally in *tools* such as the phone or the internet. There are so many nuances and cues from actual face to face or phone interaction that can't be conveyed through a text message.
> 
> When dealing with people who have moved to another city/state/country, realize that you're lucky if you trade emails once or twice a month. That's just how it is. Invest in building relationships with people that are actually AROUND you - not only you won't become frustrated by the inevitable awkwardness of sustaining a prolongued conversation with someone you haven't seen in years, but it'll also help you deal with your social anxiety.
> 
> As for the politics of texting, I find that this method works best: always reply soon after you see the message, be objective, brief, and always *offer* something - eg, "I'm going to the bar/club/movies/mall, call me if you wanna meet up". Notice from this example how you can invite people without depending on their answer; if they don't reply or flake, their loss, they lost the opportunity to hang out at the bar or whatever.
> 
> tl;dr version - just chill and don't act clingy with facebook or phone messages


This right here is the solution.

Thing is, I tend to slip in and out of this frame of thinking. There'll be some weeks where I can text a thousand people all day and not care. Then the next week, I'll be hanging on every reply, waiting for something to happen. Its painful, because I feel like I gain (and lose) good habits in a fluctuating cycle.

I can't just be stable for once. Its always a damn roller coaster ride.


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## JustRachel

I'm the friend who never initiates :um 
I just don't know what to speak about lol, and I don't want to hassle people.

I'm terrible with responding to. I'm usually to busy to reply, read the message then forget its there to even reply. By this point they usually send me a second text, and I get it straight away and won't reply because then it seems like I've ignored the first text and I'm only replying because they've sent a second, so I leave it an hour or so and tend to even forget to reply again :doh

I wouldn't take it personally, honestly. People just forget to reply or don't know what to speak about to initiate a convo :lol

Just text her if you want to speak, if she doesn't want to talk she wouldn't reply at all.


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## andy0128

Do not chase around these people incessently. After one or two reminders they will know they need to meet you (they haven't forgotten) and if they don't after that then it means a) they're not interested b) or very busy. If you pester them too much then you appear clingy and annoying, at which point they will probably want to cut you off for good. Try and find other people to hang out with. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.


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## DarkmanX

Only in real life. I've felt that ever since i was a child. Don't think it's due to them not wanting to talk to me but i don't know. It's worse now than before cus i don't really have a relationship with my old friends anymore. 

So when i see them it's almost as if they wait for ME to said hi to them or just initiate convo when i meet someone. But then if i'm quiet they don't talk yet i'm considered "not talkative" (not by friends though)? Double standard i feel. Like someone else said these past years i've been on a thing were if they don't say hi to me then i just walk by like normal. Basically i don't expect a hello. If it happens it happens, if it don't? Well, then it just don't. Just tired of feeling the pressure of always having to be the one doing it.


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## Empty7

Alwaysanxiousgirl said:


> Does anyone else have any issues with this and know how to deal?
> 
> I know I'm probably over thinking this entire situation, but back in March I started talking to an old friend from HS, trying to reconnect with her in hopes of becoming closer because I really need girlfriends (I pretty much only have guy friends). We started talking and things seemed okay; she responded well so I suggested that we hang out so we could catch up and, after a lot of trial and error trying to match both our schedules, we did. We met up and talked for like four or five hours and before I had to go we made unofficial plans to hang out again, but so far it's been a month and she hasn't gotten back to me about them. We talk like once a week, if that, and it's always me initiating the conversation, and our conversations are very brief. When we talked in person she mentioned that she doesn't really like to text a lot, and I sort of understand, but whenever she tells me she's going to get back to me about something (like, for example what she thought about last week's episode of a show we both watch) and she doesn't, I take it personally. I guess I'm just confused because when we talk I don't feel like she's doing it out of obligation or anything, but as far as the friendship aspect goes, I don't know where she stands. And in the past I've tried to hint about hanging out and she'll agree and say we should, but then it just turns into another cycle of her never getting back to me about it.


I think you should see the whole thing from her point of view. From what you've said there is no possibility that she doesn't like to talk to you and less likely that she is neutral to you. I think she likes you but either she is too shy to talk first to you, either she is waiting for you to initiate the conversation since you are the only one that always does _(I used to be in her situation and I didn't even noticed at that time until my friend told me that I never initiatie the conversation, and my first thought was "Wow, He is right !")_ or maybe she has a lot of friends to hang out with, she likes talking to you but she is more interested in other friends, even though I belive it's the second one. You said you talk to her for hours, it seems like a lot of time, what are you usually talking about ?


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## jbobbrown

This thread might just be dead but I'll go ahead and yap on anyhow.

I find myself in the same situation in terms of initiating conversation. No one talks to me- and this is in person, not just text or phone. I will be sitting next to other people, in classes at my university, and no one ever spoke to me. It was odd. Now I find myself at the end of college and realize, I made absolutely no friends with anyone I went to school with. I made a couple with some people I work with over summers, and try to stay in touch with them- but again, via text or phone call, they neeever get in touch with me. Granted- they are men, and I am a women, and they are more conservative men, so they are probably odded out at the concept of a woman who is a friend. One of them is engaged, and as a rule then, I am infrequent and thematic with my conversation with him so as not to weird him out. But then there's another guy- though he has a girlfriend- who is more open to being called and will happily converse about whatever...and then he always makes up some bull s*** story about "Oh I was going to call you but...." CMON YOU NEVER CALL ME! ADMIT IT! But naturally, I never say this, I just roll my eyes and let him go through the motions. Then lastly, there's another guy- far more chatty- who is deep into social networking, which I personally am not, so he generally responds to all texts etc but again, he never initiates.

Then in person, I have no idea why its so impossible for me to carry on a conversation. A lot of people seem to be pinning convo starters as extroverts, but most people would call me an extreme introvert; or if they're closer friends, they'd call me a ranter. I can be really articulate and involved in things I care about- I just can't for the life of me do small talk unless I genuinely care about a person. And it seems that everyone in college only forms the necessary "connection" and "similarity" by talking about parties or football games or doing group studying- none of which I do. I just find no delight in losing my motor skills; I don't give a damn about football; and I only genuinely learn things by studying on my own. I have absolutely no way of connecting to any of these people. And now college is over in a few months for good, and I'm wondering...whhhaaat the f***, people always go on about how meaningful and friend-earning college is. I have no friends and had a miserable time and resented the whole damn lot of it. Ah well.


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## Monster123

It depends on who I am texting and what about. If I have something specific to say or ask then I can initiate but I have a hard time texting someone just to see how they are. Even though this is perfectly acceptable if you are already friends with someone, I always think I will be bothering them and I don't like the idea of people feeling forced to respond to me.

Hmm this is making me want to test it..


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## dark2spin3

This is too real. I am currently that friend that doesn't initiate contact. But not initiating contact has become broken even. And I'm afraid that this happened for a reason that was negative that came about without warning...sort of. A little clueless but not completely.... some things happened to my end that would not be tolerated if it were reciprocated to hers and I know it in my heart of hearts. But we don't talk about it thoroughly. There were some things I should have done differently and I still care for her very much.</3

The reason I don't initiate contact has to do with what I know the other person is expecting of me. I am that quiet chick that doesn't speak much. And in some ways I don't feel respected mutually. Every time this person calls I answer, majority time when we want to hang out, I'm there, regardless of what I'm doing. But I definitely know when she is busy. I've called a few times only to have it not be answered. We eventually talked a few times since that but she hangs with her boyfriend nowadays. I told her in the past how it bothers me when she always says how she wants to leave our state, to new and "better" things and people makes me feel like I make her miserable or steal her joy. I don't know if I should even bother her, she told me she feels indifferent about things.

Makes me feel like things are my fault but I am fed up with not having the appropriate or "awkward" or "negative" body language to most of the heartless beings I come in contact with in the world. So why try. I would prefer text over face to face and phone any day. One thing I wonder though, is why are others so unaccepting of the way people decide to socialize? And if you are a person with epilepsy, your nerves can be real bad.

Anywho, If you expect intelligent conversation every time we talk, I'm not going to talk to you everyday or a lot only to appear dumb and magnify a flaw yet again even though I know I'm very intelligent. You expect to have fun all the time, sometimes I don't feel like having fun because I'm not always happy. And I'm not a comedian. And sure these are things that should be "normal" and "easy" to the point that everyone "should be" doing but for some people it isn't.

I shouldn't have to constantly jump through hoops to show why I'm worth contentedness when we've known each other for years. As a result to me, she becomes no different from everyone else. And I hope I'm wrong, and maybe there is a different theory but judging me for whom I'm not at the moment is not the way to go. I enjoy the moments I do talk to this person but distracting EXPECTATIONS and indirect CRITICISM It's actually quite hard and draining.

But poster, them potentially feeling the way I do doesn't mean they don't want a friendship with you a lot of the time it's quite the opposite. Who knows maybe there is a different reason. ....If I feel like a person will eventually pick out anything about me and decide to use it against me, attack it, abuse or turn on me for whatever reason. Unconsciously self sabotaging the relationship is door 1 these days than to try to fix or invest time and emotions too deep because of having the notion that they will leave anyway. Everybody else already does anyway. Hopefully your friend isn't going through this.


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## Shirotora

Yeah, I too have this problem but to this day I still never got a reply back for messages I sent like three months ago. I gave up on messaging them because it's getting awkward for me seeing like five messages from me and none from them. :/


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## Trident44

Happens to me, too. And I think it's because I don't "offer" enough to my friends, socially. I mean, really, I don't. I'm always going to their houses, etc. I don't plan big interesting events to do/go to, it's always them... 

I think what it boils down to is me not being an interesting enough person... but it sucks, because I feel deep down that I have the potential to... I just feel that right now, I don't have the capacity to.. as a 23, unemployed college graduate living with his parents in the middle of Illinois suburbia..

I want to be able to organize fun **** to do with friends I meet in the future - if you do that, they'll be dying to hang out with you, I feel. 

I just want to do things beyond the boring: going to movies, watching tv at home, playing computer/video games, occasional bar/football game with my friends and their friends...

I want to do big things on regular basis. Collect things, go bungee jumping, mountain biking, camping, canoeing, kayaking, deep sea fishing, fencing, hunting, bird watching, dinner at fancy restaurants, international trips to help underprivileged children, hiking, cocktail parties, jet skiing, para-sailing, ride a God damn gondola in Venice, rock climbing, scuba diving, archery, swim with dolphins, triathlons, surfing, visit art galleries, volunteer at homeless shelters, wine tasting, etc., etc. 

I want to just find a way to get in a rhythm of setting up fun **** to do with my friends BY MYSELF. I feel that if and when you find the ability to organize fun events on a regular basis, more people will gravitate towards you and reach out to hang out...

But if you're a person who doesn't offer anything in a relationship and kind of "leech" off of others because you want to feel accepted, or just want friends, or feel your friends can give you a social status just by you being associated with them.. they'll probably not tend to want to hang out with you unless there's something else enticing them... (ie. you pay for them, you're good looking, etc.)


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## jimjam

Trident44 is absolutely right. I am a boring person with nothing to offer. I am aware of this, but honestly it's hard to get around when you have no friends.

For example, a few people I know had a small hotel party yesterday. Sounds fun, eh? But how would a person like me start something like that.

What would I do? Rent a hotel room, try convincing the 7 people I know to show up, then having to sit there awkwardly when only two show up... And I don't even know them that well so there isn't much to talk about.

Its hard to start doing things when I don't have a large pool of acquaintances to select from, and I don't have any experince with actually... Doing things. Like parties or renting a jet ski or something. I wouldn't even know how to start.

Honestly I don't know how to have fun.

And I do rely on my "cool" friends to give me "status" by association. Is the only time i ever do cool fun things. I IBT know how to start on my own.


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## jabberwalk

Miyu said:


> I know how it feels. way too well.
> 
> and then after they don't contact me for like a ... month? again, I intiate a contact with quick "well, long time no see/talk/hear, how have you been?"
> 
> and yep, I'm not kidding, in 99% no one ever replies. it's like they're mad at me for not contacting them for so long. but it was THEM who "BROKE" the contact. them who didn't care enough to at least say hi. it really does get exhausting after a while. and for some friends even if I like drop a message weekly/bi-weekly, like a quick "hello" ... no one ever replies. and even when they do ... it seems forced.
> 
> for god's sake, if you don't wanna hang out with me, JUST SAY SO.
> 
> and thaat's how I lose all my friends. I wanna talk to them, but they never reply ... and after some time I just stop sending them messages, or do it less frequently, since I don't wanna annoy them ... and then I "give them some space" ... and then I contact them again ... and then, either they don't reply or they reply in a very angry/annoyed/dissapointed tone (it's very obvious even from FB messages or texts ...) like they're angry with me for not contacting them for so long. I DID. but I stopped after a while, cause you DIDN'T REPLY and I didn't wanna annoy you further.
> 
> is it such a big deal to write "hi" back, intiate some quick talk? just so that I know that you are still interested in being my friend, that we're still on the ... same waveline?
> 
> it's horribly exhausting and once I really don't have energy to keep up with trying to intiate contact with someone again and again anymore ... I lose friends.
> 
> *rant off*


^^^ Story of my life. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Maybe they're busy with their own lives, or their own friends. That's why they kinda forget you. Some people are like that: they have already established friendships within their own circle, and if ever someone will try to befriend them, they won't really view that person as 'important'.


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## BeachGaBulldog

I refuse to initiate. I don't really have any friends, because I was always initiating everything. If they won't, to hell with them.


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## Deuce92

musiclover55 said:


> I got tired of that too, so I stopped. Now I have 0 friends.


Yep... Glad I'm not the only one... :|


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## EccentricCat

I'm kind of dealing with this now. I have friends I made in college. After college some moved one state over. Others only moved to the next town, about 45 minutes away from where my husband and I live. In spite of the 45 minute drive, my husband and I try to visit once or twice a month. However, it seems as though _we_ are always the ones to call them and tell them we are coming up. I realize there is a bit of geographical distance and the people are busy, but it would be nice once in a while to have them actually call us to find out when we will be coming up again.

And, they wonder why I kept questioning them about if they are truly our friends. I have spoken to them about whether or not they are. The last time I did, they told me that if I ever question them again, they won't be.

I don't understand people.


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