# What do you think about those who overlap relationships?



## absreim (Jun 19, 2012)

By relationship overlapping, I'm referring to looking for another relationship while still in one, and breaking up only when the new relationship is secured.

Personally, I consider it unethical, akin to continuing to interview for jobs after already accepting an offer. One who does that is using one job offer to hedge one's bets while looking for something better. The ethical way to pursue a better job offer is to _take the risk of being unemployed_ by declining your existing job offers when the deadline for making a decision comes up. Likewise, I believe one should _take the risk of being single for a while_ by breaking up before pursuing a relationship with another person.

The ethics/morality of relationship overlapping is an issue that pops up frequently but I haven't heard much discussion about whether it is right or wrong, so I am curious about what everyone else thinks.


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

If your relationship is exclusive then it would be wrong to intentionally look for another while you're still dating, however, I completely disagree that it's wrong to look for another job after taking an offer. That said, I don't think many people intentionally set out to look for another relationship but rather it just happens, you're bored/unhappy with your relationship but you aren't sure if you want to end it or keep trying, you meet someone who strongly interests you, you deny that that interest exists, and eventually you can't deny it anymore and break up and start dating them.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

Not a fan. My ex-boyfriend overlapped with me and then overlapped on me. I should have ran for the hills when he first revealed his true colors. But he was hot.


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## baloff17 (May 28, 2014)

This is so common that I don't know what the point is in even being upset about it.

I've had lots of women friends over the years, and I don't think _any_ of them have ever dumped their current guy until they had the next one lined up and ready to go. Maybe not overlapping per se... but at least they knew there was someone in the wings waiting to date them. It's like the normal way to do it. Guys do it too, but not as much.

I don't know... I think a lot of non-SA people are terrified of being alone, and that causes them to always look before they leap.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

What he said ^
It happens all the time, don't waste your feels on it.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I don't believe this is common for people in long term relationships tbh, at least not for people with a heart. For high school esk week long flings then yeah, that would probably be the norm.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

It seems like everybody does this* and it bothers me a lot. It's treating people as so interchangeable. I see it as insulting to both people... like, they didn't respect the last person enough to break it off with them, and they didn't like the new person enough to risk being single for them. It's like "eh, either of you will do". No regard for anybody's feelings or people being hurt. It's super scummy.


(*maybe I just keep bad company tho)


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## AndrewUK83 (May 27, 2014)

karenw said:


> Speak for yourself, this isnt true from my perspective. Its not the normal way to do it with whom ive been in a relationship with & vice versa. In fact men struggle more so to being alone than women. Theres more men on this forum than women. If you have SA you dont really know what those without it do.


Hmmm I think it happens with both genders quite a bit, I think guys a lot of the time only want someone because they miss the perks like sex, yes there are more men on here but I wouldn't say that is anything to do with men struggling more being alone, generally guys are more obvious on the internet for a start, a lot of girls don't like announcing their gender for all the hassle it might bring. Also whilst I am not saying the girls on here have an easier time, it just seems more ok socially for a girl to have SA=Shy/Quiet type and still lead a relatively normal life than it does for a guy.

I have seen far more threads on here where girls have had relationships even if they have trouble with it, guys its all seems to be crushes/do you think she is into me threads. Even if girls arent super hot they will get hit on, this leads them to hang around with people so its easier to make friends more often that not they have had several relationships, where as the guys have none despite their SA being at similar levels because even if a girls finds it hard to talk to a guy, most non SA guys will have no problem talking to a girl. You flip that situation around the guy has SA and is sat in a corner no non SA girl is gonna go talk to him in a social situation.

There always exceptions of course.



lisbeth said:


> It seems like everybody does this* and it bothers me a lot. It's treating people as so interchangeable. I see it as insulting to both people... like, they didn't respect the last person enough to break it off with them, and they didn't like the new person enough to risk being single for them. It's like "eh, either of you will do". No regard for anybody's feelings or people being hurt. It's super scummy.
> 
> (*maybe I just keep bad company tho)


I think its just society as a whole people have become as disposable as inanimate objects, its like how kids are they will only want the latest stuff once they have it their old things go in the bin despite there being nothing wrong with the older item. As someone mentioned the grass always seems greener, you dont quite get that excitement you did when first dating, well that new guy/girl I met at that party seems like a laugh a minute maybe ill try him, unfortunately relationships arent all excitement they arent meant to be a friday party all day every day but thats what people seem want/think how it should be.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Sounds weak.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

lisbeth said:


> It seems like everybody does this* and it bothers me a lot. It's treating people as so interchangeable. I see it as insulting to both people... like, they didn't respect the last person enough to break it off with them, and they didn't like the new person enough to risk being single for them. It's like "eh, either of you will do". No regard for anybody's feelings or people being hurt. It's super scummy.
> 
> (*maybe I just keep bad company tho)


:yes


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## BehindClosedDoors (Oct 16, 2014)

I've seen this happen with a few people I know. It's like they aren't brave enough to let the other person go and they want to keep them around as a backup plan while they pursue another partner. Just in case that new person doesn't pan out, they have their old stand-by to fall back on. It's just sad. I never fail to lose respect for the one who does that to someone else-but they really don't care do they? Because it's a selfish act perpetuated by a selfish person. They can't care because they only care about what they want in the first place.


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## baloff17 (May 28, 2014)

karenw said:


> If you have SA you dont really know what those without it do.


Haha, yes I do! None of my friends have SA, and most people I meet or deal with on a daily basis don't have SA either. In fact, I've been observing people who don't have social anxiety and how they operate my entire life...whereas it's hard to observe what people with social anxiety do since they usually isolate themselves so much. So yeah, I actually know more about what non-SA people do than what people like me do. 

But anyway, my opinion earlier in the thread was just based on my personal observations and the people I've known over the years. If you don't know people who overlap relationships, or if you think men do it more often than women do, then that's your experience and just as valid.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

A friend of mine just got into a new relationship. The guy only told his girlfriend that it was finished and he'd met someone else on the same day that he asked my friend to make their relationship official. He and my friend been going on dates for a couple of months. That's ****ed up.

Or maybe I'm a moralistic prude stuck in a previous century and that's totally acceptable. But stuff like that makes me want to go live in a cabin in the woods somewhere.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

People tend to have a hard time rejecting each other. They fear a worst case scenario, like a super sad, super hurt, super angry person exploding at them with tears or questions or insults... or even threats to harm them or oneself. The whole process can be cringe-inducing bad and make both parties feel horrible.

So just in case, they try to passive-aggressively end a relationship. Becoming more distant, less available, less talkative, less nice. Hoping the other person will fade away or end it themselves abruptly.

The overlap tends to happen when a relationship has died but hasn't been buried yet. Or when it's shown signs of dying and people want out but don't want the horror story break up moment. They want to delay the inevitable while also moving on at the same time. Hoping for a way out, an easier way. 

Than just being honest and telling a person to their face "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, it's over between us." It's the right thing to do, people know that, people hope others will do that for them if it's how they feel and not drag it out. But it's scary. You don't know how badly it will go.

I've had people threaten to kill themselves when I rejected them.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

karenw said:


> Wrong but anyway today is a new day, I've now lost interest


Wow, what a see you enty :idea


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

mjkittredge said:


> I've had people threaten to kill themselves when I rejected them.


Won't people have the same thoughts/feelings from being rejected regardless of whether the rejecter is present to hear them? Someone who feels suicidal after rejection is probably going to feel as suicidal after a fade-away as they would after a face-to-face telling. You can't control anyone's reaction, only whether you are there to witness it.


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## Marko3 (Mar 18, 2014)

In a Lonely Place said:


> I don't like it but that's just how some people operate, always thinking the grass is greener and never being alone. Hard to trust those kinds of characters.


yup


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## baloff17 (May 28, 2014)

mjkittredge said:


> People tend to have a hard time rejecting each other. They fear a worst case scenario, like a super sad, super hurt, super angry person exploding at them with tears or questions or insults... or even threats to harm them or oneself. The whole process can be cringe-inducing bad and make both parties feel horrible.
> 
> So just in case, *they try to passive-aggressively end a relationship. Becoming more distant, less available, less talkative, less nice. Hoping the other person will fade away or end it themselves abruptly.*
> 
> ...


I had to bold that one section for truth. _Every_ time I've been dumped, it's been done to me in that way. After a while I got better at realizing what that sudden coldness, distance and irritability actually meant. One of the last relationships I was in, when it started happening I was actually able say to her, "Hey, from the way you're acting, I don't think you want to be in a relationship with me any more. Well, I don't want to keep you here if you don't want to be here." And the girl agreed. One of my few proud moments in an otherwise embarrassing and disheartening dating history, haha.

Anyway, great post. Very insightful.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

baloff17 said:


> I had to bold that one section for truth. _Every_ time I've been dumped, it's been done to me in that way. After a while I got better at realizing what that sudden coldness, distance and irritability actually meant. One of the last relationships I was in, when it started happening I was actually able say to her, "Hey, from the way you're acting, I don't think you want to be in a relationship with me any more. Well, I don't want to keep you here if you don't want to be here." And the girl agreed. One of my few proud moments in an otherwise embarrassing and disheartening dating history, haha.
> 
> Anyway, great post. Very insightful.


Thanks, sorry you've been through that several times yourself. Very demoralizing, the slow suffering end where you want to hang on but intuitively, you know in your gut, you can feel that it's over.

Good to hear you recognized the symptoms and called it early with that one person. You did what she was too afraid to do, simply be honest. And handled it quite well I'd say. Hopefully you being a respectful gentleman in the way you ended it will show her she can do it herself and not every guy will blow up at her for it with a huge drama display.

Maybe she was on the fence about it, weighing the pros and cons. But usually once a person starts thinking hard about whether or not they want to be with a person, they can always find reasons to leave.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

mjkittredge said:


> People tend to have a hard time rejecting each other. They fear a worst case scenario, like a super sad, super hurt, super angry person exploding at them with tears or questions or insults... or even threats to harm them or oneself. The whole process can be cringe-inducing bad and make both parties feel horrible.
> 
> So just in case, they try to passive-aggressively end a relationship. Becoming more distant, less available, less talkative, less nice. *Hoping the other person will fade away or end it themselves abruptly.
> *
> ...


Yes, the bolded part is true. I'm a wussy myself. I pretty much just moved away (or once they moved) and stopped contact with my exes. That's how I ended it. I've always been single for long periods of time between relationships. I don't understand why some people can't stand to be single even for a few months.

What is really creepy is apparently some people will pretend to still be relatively happy with the relationship....all the while looking for someone better.

I think especially men just start to be a-holes in order to get the girl to dump them. That's probably why women initiate divorce more often.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

My ex-wife did this. She cheated with multiple guys before I finally found the proof I was looking for. And she cheated after that. I believe she planned on telling me at a certain point when she was ready, and so when I confronted her with the evidence instead she just totally lost it...biting, scratching, hitting, kicking me, right in front of the kids. Yeah she was a real mature, real classy lady. Mom of the year.

I was in a relationship but it was almost a year after I had moved out from my ex-wife. She had refused to give me a divorce, so we were still married. (she finally did sign the papers).


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## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

"Overlapping" can certainly seems like a breach of contract of sorts. I think it all depends on the context of the relationship and the level of transparency from partners.

I feel like if I'm desiring someone else, such feelings are bound to permeate into my behavior with my current partner, meaning I'm not truly committed and courteous. Plus, breakups can be cold when it's basis is finding someone new.

I'd rather progress in the way a committed person should, to the very end.. rather than feeling satisfied in taking shortcuts, subsequently failing to instill proper support and understanding from my current/ex-partner (even in myself).



komorikun said:


> I think especially men just start to be a-holes in order to get the girl to dump them. That's probably why women initiate divorce more often.


I highly doubt that. You don't think it's more likely that guys become jerks simply because they fell out of love or because they've been jerks all along? Rather than playing some stupid game to get someone else to initiate divorce?

There are a lot of things to consider when it comes to divorce. Some feel that women tend to have much more probability to gain from divorce (child custody, money, etc) than men and thus lead to more women initiating divorces. There's probably other significant variables that contribute to the divorce disparity as well, such as hormones and gender dynamics.


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## Travis Bickle1971 (May 7, 2014)

If you know someone who does it best not to waste your time on the scumbags.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Why?


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## the collector (Aug 15, 2010)

I think doing it for the purpose of finding someone better and then breaking up once you find that person is kinda tasteless.But, limiting yourself to one person indefinitely in a monagomous relationship is against human nature.Your inviting a $h!t storm by starting this thread OP as most people on this site believe in evolution and would agree with my viewpoint.This thread will probably be locked soon.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

I think it's immoral and shows a definite lack of character. To simply rationalize it by saying that it's common or depends on the situation seems wrong or questionable at best. The first girl I dated did this to me. I also came to realize that she did it to a different guy as we just started dating. Some people just seem to be serial daters and feel the need to constantly be in a relationship apparently.


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## PhilipJFry (Jan 24, 2012)

It's mind blowing to me. I've been cheated on in the past and had an ex-girlfriend who started a relationship with me, when she was already in another relationship. I was aware that she was already in a relationship and while we both had feelings for each other, I told her that nothing could happen while she was with him. She lied to me and told me that she had broken up with him, so she could carry on two relationships at the same time.

I don't get why it's easier for some people to cheat, than to be honest and just end the relationship. I guess some people are just really afraid to be alone or don't care if they hurt anyone, as long as they're happy. But, yeah, it's sad that so many people are doing this.


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

lisbeth said:


> It seems like everybody does this* and it bothers me a lot. It's treating people as so interchangeable. I see it as insulting to both people... like, they didn't respect the last person enough to break it off with them, and they didn't like the new person enough to risk being single for them. It's like "eh, either of you will do". No regard for anybody's feelings or people being hurt. It's super scummy.
> 
> (*maybe I just keep bad company tho)


I agree completely with this. It's very insulting and hurtful.
Which is hypocritical because I have done this before. I think it breeds out of a lot of insecurity and fear of being alone. I hope I will be secure enough in myself so that I would never do it again.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't know, seems very alien to me. But I don't experience attraction very often. It would be very unlikely that I'd know of someone else I wanted to date while being in a relationship with someone else, even if I did want to end it. Then you sort of feel a bit exhausted, and breaking up with someone is hard. Yeah, I think I'm too emotionally all over the place for that kind of jumping from one thing to the next attitude. A few months at least.



baloff17 said:


> This is so common that I don't know what the point is in even being upset about it.
> 
> I've had lots of women friends over the years, and I don't think _any_ of them have ever dumped their current guy until they had the next one lined up and ready to go. Maybe not overlapping per se... but at least they knew there was someone in the wings waiting to date them. It's like the normal way to do it. Guys do it too, but not as much.
> 
> I don't know... I think a lot of non-SA *people are terrified of being alone*, and that causes them to always look before they leap.


Yeah, that's probably it. I knew a guy who did this too though.



lisbeth said:


> A friend of mine just got into a new relationship. The guy only told his girlfriend that it was finished and he'd met someone else on the same day that he asked my friend to make their relationship official. He and my friend been going on dates for a couple of months. That's ****ed up.
> 
> Or maybe I'm a moralistic prude stuck in a previous century and that's totally acceptable. But stuff like that makes me want to go live in a cabin in the woods somewhere.


Oh wow, I think I'd have to stop dating him if I found that out.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Didn't think I'd find a topic that was agreed upon 100% on SAS - but I guess this is it.


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## absreim (Jun 19, 2012)

Paper Samurai said:


> Didn't think I'd find a topic that was agreed upon 100% on SAS - but I guess this is it.


There is nothing close to a consensus in this thread. Some of the respondents are ok with overlapping, others find it unethical.


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

It depends on the relationship. A lot of people just seem to have that attitude of dating certain people for convenience or companionship rather than for the individuals themselves. Some people seem to have a mutual understanding that it's casual even if they are committed and they don't really care about things like that because they have others lined up too.

But for the most part it is horrible. I don't even relate to people in long-term relationships who get into new ones within the few months after breaking up. I couldn't do that if I really valued someone as a person and not just as someone to fill the position of my partner.

Nothing wrong with doing that with jobs though. There's no implied agreement with employers that you won't do that but in a monogamous relationship that tends to be an assumed expectation/agreement.


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## absreim (Jun 19, 2012)

Fruitcake said:


> Nothing wrong with doing that with jobs though. There's no implied agreement with employers that you won't do that but in a monogamous relationship that tends to be an assumed expectation/agreement.


To clarify, I definitely wasn't saying that looking for a job while working at a company is unethical.

Instead, what I find unethical is continuing to interview for jobs after already accepting an offer for a job that hasn't started yet, the purpose of which is to hedge one's bets in case a better offer comes along. I think many people would agree with me on that.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

absreim said:


> By relationship overlapping, I'm referring to looking for another relationship while still in one, and breaking up only when the new relationship is secured.
> 
> Personally, I consider it unethical, akin to continuing to interview for jobs after already accepting an offer. One who does that is using one job offer to hedge one's bets while looking for something better. The ethical way to pursue a better job offer is to _take the risk of being unemployed_ by declining your existing job offers when the deadline for making a decision comes up. Likewise, I believe one should _take the risk of being single for a while_ by breaking up before pursuing a relationship with another person.
> 
> The ethics/morality of relationship overlapping is an issue that pops up frequently but I haven't heard much discussion about whether it is right or wrong, so I am curious about what everyone else thinks.


They are normal and I am not because I am 17 and it has been two years since I spoke to any girls I like or have been interested in.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

I'd consider it cheating. There are worse things though.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

My friend does this all the time. She's terrified of being alone. It's unethical imo, but it seems to be pretty common.


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## LolaViola (Jun 23, 2013)

I think it's a pretty crappy thing to do.


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## Implicate (Feb 1, 2011)

I think this needs added to list of reasons why monogamy is a joke.

Frankly, I don't do exclusive relationships because there are always better options out there. 

And to say that continuing interviews in the hopes you will find a better opportunity is unethical literally made me chuckle. Corporations are SO ETHICAL, how could you ever dare to keep your best interest in mind...


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Implicate said:


> I think this needs added to list of reasons why monogamy is a joke.
> 
> Frankly, I don't do exclusive relationships because there are always better options out there.
> 
> And to say that continuing interviews in the hopes you will find a better opportunity is unethical literally made me chuckle. Corporations are SO ETHICAL, how could you ever dare to keep your best interest in mind...


It is a joke but it's human nature for the vast majority to be incapable of the alternatives, so what can you do?


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## Implicate (Feb 1, 2011)

AussiePea said:


> It is a joke but it's human nature for the vast majority to be incapable of the alternatives, so what can you do?


You have a pool of over seven billion people to choose from, and there are definitely a few that are capable of the alternatives.

Frankly, with a pool of seven billion, I'm not willing to settle on a relationship with just one in the first place, but if you were so inclined it does exist.


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## absreim (Jun 19, 2012)

Implicate said:


> And to say that continuing interviews in the hopes you will find a better opportunity is unethical literally made me chuckle. Corporations are SO ETHICAL, how could you ever dare to keep your best interest in mind...


I think it is in one's best interest stop interviews after accepting an offer, whether or not you care about the company with which you have accepted the offer. It might not matter much for people who just move from entry-level job to entry-level job, but in industries where skilled people are scarce and people make a name for themselves, engaging in that practice could tarnish one's reputation to the point that I think it just isn't worth the risk.

Think of it from the perspective of the employer. After a candidate accepts an offer for employment, the employer must say no to everyone else they were considering. If the person who accepted the offer later decides not to follow through with it, the company must make the embarrassing and possibly costly actions of reaching out to recruiters and candidates again, telling them essentially that "our preferred candidate bailed on us so we are settling for an alternative in you." I know if I were a manager, I would be quite upset at candidate who made me go through this process, and might be inclined to tell the company who they ended up working for what they did, which has a good chance of getting them fired...

TLDR: whether or not you care about screwing over a company by declining an offer after accepting it, burning bridges with people in the industry you are working in is not worth the potential benefits of hedging your bets.


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

If you're dating, you're dating. When you're not happy, just say so and move on. Overlapping is a bit disrespectful.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

I don't think any less of them. Sure, it sucks to be undermined but it isn't always a one sided situation.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

If you're just "dating", then it's fine. But an actual, official, exclusive relationship? Nah...that's ****ed up. I think anyone who does that is a scumbag, for sure. Or just a coward, too afraid to be honest with people.

The problem is people settle for the first Tom, Dick or Harriet they find and then do stupid **** like cheat because they're not happy. STOP ****ING SETTLING. A relationship should be meaningful. Only get in one if you think there is serious potential. Not after dating for 3 days.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

rymo said:


> The problem is people settle for the first Tom, Dick or Harriet they find and then do stupid **** like cheat because they're not happy. STOP ****ING SETTLING. A relationship should be meaningful. Only get in one if you think there is serious potential. Not after dating for 3 days.


Finally someone has the guts to say it. This is what I have been saying. Guys always settle for less than what they want. I myself will never settle. There's no point in dating someone you don't like.


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