# Should I let the friendship go?



## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

Well, not really letting go, but realizing we won't get to hang out anymore?

Since my best friend (or maybe you could call them _only_ friend?) got married last year.
Today I found out they're expecting a baby this fall.

I guess I'm happy for them and should be, but I just feel like the friendship is basically
over as far as actually hanging out and I'm going to have to let it go.

In about 2014 when I started my new job we started hanging out more since I was really
stressed out and just wanted to hang out. We'd go out go dinner on Fridays about once
a week and we went to work out a few times a week. Then they told me they didn't have
time to work out with me but we still went out to eat pretty often.

Then that kind of stopped again and every since then we really only hang out a few times
a year. They moved into their new house about three years ago and I've only been over
there about 3 or 4 times.

Last year we started going to work out again but again after about a month they told me
they needed a few weeks off because they were too busy. But I never heard back so
we never started working out again.

Last year we did go out for my birthday out of town with some other friends which was nice.
But I'm afraid if I don't ask again this year that it won't happen. And I don't know if I should
bring it up, and risk the consequences of feeling pushy or rude, or if I don't say anything
and they don't offer to do anything then feeling left out.

I really enjoyed last year since I rarely ever get to do anything for my birthday, and I haven't
really done anything social since then.

Part of me feels like I should just accept the fact that they're married now, they'll have a kid
later this year, and we really won't be able to do anything, or if so it'll be once a year or every
few years at most.

I wanted to go to a new place in town and I asked a while back if they'd like to go but they said
they're just too busy right now. So I accept that I guess.

It's just annoying to me that they used to say we needed to hang out more, but lately it just feels
like it takes an act of congress to do anything, and I end up being more depressed because
I know it'll be months and months before we get to do anything else.

Partly I wonder if they just don't like me anymore.

There's other people I know I could hang out with, like acquaintances if I started going to church again,
but they're really just acquaintances and I don't think it would be the same thing really. And it would be
forced because I believe most all church friendships are forced, unless you are already friends, that's
been my experience.


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## Dan the man (Jul 4, 2013)

It's a fact of life people change and move on. What people have in common at one time can change over time. Does this mean this friendship has to stop?

No. not necessarily. especially since you sounded pretty close. But it can naturally grow apart.

Maybe not church but maybe there's other places you can meet up folks. If not there's always message boards/forums on whatever your interests are. Thats how I met a good amount of people I communicate with these days


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## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

It's what I did. All my former friends are married with young kids now but me. They're all on a different wavelength doing different things and now we can't really relate to each other anymore. People change unfortunately and they grow apart.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

Yeah I figured. I had another friend I used to hang out with and also went to church with, and when they stopped going to church it wasn't long since we stopped hanging out. I haven't seen or heard from them in about 5 years.

I've tried message boards and stuff but it's not the same since I want in person interactions. Well there was a hobby group that had a forum and I have been to in person meetups for that but aside from a few people I mostly get ignored when I go to them, and I decided to skip it this year as I just didn't feel up to it.

People say, oh you have to go out and meet people but it just doesn't work that way for me. It's the other people who get to go travelling, on trips, in the relationships, marriages, having houses, etc. That stuff never happens for me. I think I'm too old and messed up socially and personality wise anyway to make it happen.

When you go to church at my age, it's basically 4 groups. 1) The young kids, 2) the youth group that actually do stuff (but I'm too old for), 3) the people my age (which are mostly all married and probably have one or more kids and don't do anything except family weekend trips and such) 4) the old people that probably meet up a few times a month. There really aren't any guys my age to hang out with that aren't tethered to kids and wives in their free time. At my old church, there are exactly 0 that fit into my category. At the church I was going to two years ago, there were basically 3 or so guys like that and most of them were extremely socially awkward and just didn't really do anything anyway. So pretty much no chance to hang out or do anything. Well, pretty much like myself. Depending on the church, group 2 or 4 could compose the majority of it, with no group 1 or 3.


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

Getting married and expecting are two big life events and changes that are made in every aspect of a person's life. Have to consider that because of this that their priorities are changing (not just directly towards you, but everything in their life.) It's hard when seeing people move on, but that's how life works, especially as we get older and 'settle down'. If they still find some way to contact you such as texting occasionally then I doubt that they are not wanting you in their life anymore. It's just them having their priorities in different aspects. Perhaps reach out and just casually ask how he has been and see what happens. But don't expect much else.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

Yeah, that's what I figured. It's like when people get married, sometimes they have those "bachelor's parties" which basically comes back to "this is the last time we're going to be able to hang out again, since we're getting married".

I just have to accept that at my age, most people are tethered to priorities like marriage and kids, and while that's what's to be expected from people when they reach a certain age, it never will happen for me, and I have to realize that it's highly uncommon for most people who are social to any extent to NOT have those experiences when they get to a certain age. In fact those things happened somewhat later for this friend than others I know, where it happened in their early-mid 20s even. So it basically means that my prospects for hanging out and actually doing anything are going to get difficult, because what I'm looking to do for fun is more in line with what teenagers and people who haven't gotten married yet or in serious relationships want to do. Which of course I'm getting to old to fit into those groups.

I think what I'm going to do (and this is how I've usually gauged whether someone wants to keep in touch or not) is to just be quiet for a while and not text/message them for a few weeks/months. If it comes that I haven't heard anything back from them in 6 months to a year, then I'll know it's time to move on. It will hurt, but that's how it is sometimes. I know some would say these things go both ways, but I always think if someone wants to talk to me, they'll let me know. That's how I usually find out people are or aren't interested. If I never hear from them again, I know they've moved on, and that's ok too.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

That's just a common inevitable part of adulthood. People will often yearn for it, but aside of that with time, they will come to accept it and take it in stride. Especially if the person themselves start having their own families or marriage. They start bubbling to their own families and drift apart, aside from the annual or biannual hangouts maybe. With great friendships, they might still get together consistently to hang out even with families. But for people that are single still, this becomes harder to accept and adjust. A theme we often see portrayed in movies and comedies too.


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## Dan the man (Jul 4, 2013)

shyguy07 said:


> Yeah I figured. I had another friend I used to hang out with and also went to church with, and when they stopped going to church it wasn't long since we stopped hanging out. I haven't seen or heard from them in about 5 years.
> 
> I've tried message boards and stuff but it's not the same since I want in person interactions. Well there was a hobby group that had a forum and I have been to in person meetups for that but aside from a few people I mostly get ignored when I go to them, and I decided to skip it this year as I just didn't feel up to it.
> 
> ...


ive always liked the ritualistic/service part of Church.

But on the other side to that I've always found it to be on the cliquey side in general.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

Blue Dino said:


> That's just a common inevitable part of adulthood. People will often yearn for it, but aside of that with time, they will come to accept it and take it in stride. Especially if the person themselves start having their own families or marriage. They start bubbling to their own families and drift apart, aside from the annual or biannual hangouts maybe. With great friendships, they might still get together consistently to hang out even with families. But for people that are single still, this becomes harder to accept and adjust. A theme we often see portrayed in movies and comedies too.


Yeah, that's true. I always knew this was going to happen at some point, as that's the natural progression in life. In fact, I remember years ago they said I'd probably be part of their wedding party. Well, they eloped so that didn't happen at all. But yeah, I should've better been prepared, but you forget sometimes.

I've been through similar things before, where people, and even this person, drift in and out of life at various points in time. I just have to accept the big difference here, is that this, is permanent this time. And the annual catch up style thing, yeah not interested in that. Especially if there's really nothing to talk about for me. I'd rather just quit cold turkey, no hard feelings, just realize I'll never be like they are and have their experiences, and that's ok!




Dan the man said:


> ive always liked the ritualistic/service part of Church.
> 
> But on the other side to that I've always found it to be on the cliquey side in general.


Well I liked when I went to church in my early 20s/late teens. We used to go out of town to places like the beach, mini golf, etc. I really enjoyed that sort of thing. It also helped that I had friends that also went to that church. I hung around more when they were around. After they left, it wasn't the same, and I usually left as soon as service was over, although sometimes I'd go out to eat with people.

I enjoy service as well, but I don't like the parts before it starts/after it's over where people walk around and talk to each other. I usually try to go in and immediately find a seat, and if I don't really push myself to stay, I'll find myself bailing out the door as soon as it ends. I just don't like walking around talking to people I don't know or standing around awkwardly, which are the only two real options you have at that point.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

You have to understand that buying houses, buying larger vehicles, these are all things that are usually done with the intention of having families (being in relationships and having children). That leaves me in a strange predicament. We want a house (ie we don't want to live with our parents or in an apartment anymore) but we also realize we aren't likely going to be in the situations where one actually _needs_ a house. This can be very confusing and sort of a circular loop where we want to move on to certain things of being an adult, in this case owning a house, but there are other aspects that don't seem to be for us. Yet at the same time we realize the things we want may not work without having those other things.

We also have to realize that some of the reasons for wanting our own spaces (ie owning a home or having our own residence be it apartment, condo, whatever), such as having people over to play games or watch movies, were things we may have done when we were younger, and at this point if that's still part of the reason we want such spaces of our own, we have to realize that most people are age aren't going to be interested/have the time to come over. So if we found ourselves not being invited to others' homes we have to realize that even if we had our own home/living space, that nobody is going to want to come visit. Hence another reason for realizing there is no point to our dreams without the usual progression of relationships/children.


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## Socialmisfits (May 14, 2021)

I hung out with my friends weekly or even more back in college and the years after graduating. now they're all working, married and in diapers (well their kids are) and I don't see them anymore, maybe at most once a year. They moved on, I didn't and now I don' even want to hear or see them anymore because I feel so out of place among them. 
I guess it is the way of life, I'm not too fussed about it because my anxiety has reached very high levels since graduating and the only time I feel relaxed is when I'm by myself.
There will probably be a time in the future where I will come to regret this but that is for the future and nobody knows what that will bring.


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## Unforgiven17 (Apr 15, 2016)

I have some experience more from your friends' point of view. I got married had a child about 7 years ago. My best friend was someone I saw every few months up until then. It usually revolved around going out for food/alcohol etc... usually in the evening /night.

We are both 35 (now) and she lives with her parents and still wants to do things we did when we were teens. I was happy to meet up and do other things but it was her who wasn't willing to change. I don't know your friend's situation, perhaps they have other friends with kids that they will do things with now they also will have children. For me, I would have loved it to still meet up with that friend but for an hour or so and go for lunch or something. I think I became boring now I have a child (soon to be 2 children), so it does work both ways.

Do you talk often or text or anything? Or do you literally just catch up face to face? I only ask as maybe you could maintain a friendship without meeting up to begin with. This could lead to meeting up sometimes. The friend I mentioned we just spoke to arrange to meet up, as we grew apart I guess neither of us spoke as neither of us felt the need to meet up anymore. In contrast, another friend I do see regularly now, we can go months not meeting up but rarely go a week without speaking.


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## MCHB (Jan 1, 2013)

Some of the hardest decisions I've had to make regard knowing when to let go.


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## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

I just wanted to update on this, after an experience I had last weekend.

There was an upcoming event that happens last weekend in town. We went to it last year, but I hadn't brought it up or was invited by them this time. Nothing was said and then I decided that I would just go to it, and see if they were there, and if they were then I'd see if I could hang out with them, if not, I'd just get my food to go and not hang around. Last year we went Friday after work. I didn't hear anything all week and then Friday they texted me and asked if I wanted to go on Saturday. So we went and a few others came and we hung out for a while so it was fun, and also nice to do something. Because it had been quite a while.

And at least it made me realize they hadn't forgotten about me. Also they seemed to have forgotten that I went last year so it was nice to know they invited me not just because we went last time.


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## mamarika (6 mo ago)

It's what I did. All my former friends are married with young kids now but me. They're all on a different wavelength doing different things and now we can't really relate to each other anymore. People change unfortunately and they grow apart.


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## CaptainRoommate (Aug 15, 2011)

In my experience it gets a little weird when my friends get married, but once they have kids...we're not really friends anymore, whether I like it or not. I can't be the guy who shows up and plays with the kids and gets called uncle or ends up a godfather. We hang out less and less and we just drift. It sucks, and I haven't found a way around it.


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