# The Secret Thread



## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

Share just one secret at a time. Post something here that you think is so shameful about yourself, that you are afraid to admit it. There will be no judgment here. If anyone does judge, I welcome a moderator to remove the post or even shut down the thread if it gets to hostile. I want this to be the thread where you can feel safe, sharing who you really are with others, with the world. No more shame. Let it go. If you want to help someone get over the shame, I encourage that. 

I'll go first, of course. There is another fear I have, that goes hand in hand with social fears. It is my fear of vomiting. I am terrified of doing it and even more terrified when someone else does it in my presence. Not too many years back, I was driving my brother home from a club we had gone to. He was drunk and high, so of course I had to be the designated driver. It soon became apparent that he was not feeling very well. Multiple times I had to stop the car so he could vomit out the side of the door. It finally became too much for me. So what did I do? I stopped the car, in tears, in utter TERROR, and abandoned my brother and the car at the side of the road. I left another human being, who was incapacitated, alone to fend for himself because of a silly fear of vomiting. He somehow drove the car the rest of the way home, but he could have DIED because of me. That is my secret shame for today. 

But I'm going to let it go. The world is an imperfect place. I ****ed up. But I forgive myself for it. At least I will try to.


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## peace_love (Oct 24, 2008)

I like the idea of this, but sorry, I don't wanna share my secrets publicly. Plus, I doubt most people on here will. They will make something up, so.


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

peace_love said:


> I like the idea of this, but sorry, I don't wanna share my secrets publicly. Plus, I doubt most people on here will. They will make something up, so.


That's okay. You don't have to. It is just something I thought I would try.


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## peace_love (Oct 24, 2008)

DiscardYourFear said:


> That's okay. You don't have to. It is just something I thought I would try.


Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty. I'm sure your brother forgives you.


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## Telliblah (Sep 19, 2015)

One time I clogged a toilet with too much TP.
There was nothing to unclog it with, and I was too ashamed to let people know!

so...

no **** this


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## JohnDoe26 (Jun 6, 2012)

Mine is pretty benign. When I was about 13, I was at KFC, I chewed the tip of a straw and put it back in the container at the counter. Minutes later I hear a girl freak out in the dining area saying that her straw was chewed on and that she just noticed and "eww, omg, I drank out of it!!!"; she demanded that she talk to the manager and she caused a huge commotion. The even more horrible thing is that I still chuckle thinking about it to this day.


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

JohnDoe26 said:


> Mine is pretty benign. When I was about 13, I was at KFC, I chewed the tip of a straw and put it back in the container at the counter. Minutes later I hear a girl freak out in the dining area saying that her straw was chewed on and that she just noticed and "eww, omg, I drank out of it!!!"; she demanded that she talk to the manager and she caused a huge commotion. The even more horrible thing is that I still chuckle thinking about it to this day.


I don't think that's benign. I even get why you did it. A part of me is kind of laughing along with you.


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## JohnDoe26 (Jun 6, 2012)

I also noticed that these days the straws in fast food places come wrapped. Perhaps what I did was pretty common...


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

peace_love said:


> Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty. I'm sure your brother forgives you.


He does. He was angry and scared at the time. Who could blame him? 
Thank you for saying that, though.


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## UnusualSuspect (Feb 24, 2014)

I eat puppies for breakfast.

(no, not really)


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## JohnDoe26 (Jun 6, 2012)

DiscardYourFear said:


> I don't think that's benign. I even get why you did it. A part of me is kind of laughing along with you.


To be honest with you I wasn't even thinking (it wasn't malicious). It was along the lines of putting chewed gum under a school desk. But still, you could imagine the reaction of the lady. And she was African American.


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

Telliblah said:


> One time I clogged a toilet with too much TP.
> There was nothing to unclog it with, and I was too ashamed to let people know!
> 
> so...
> ...


I've seen this happen countless times in public bathrooms.


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## Telliblah (Sep 19, 2015)

DiscardYourFear said:


> I've seen this happen countless times in public bathrooms.


It was a private bathroom!


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

AwkwardUglyWeirdo said:


> I eat puppies for breakfast.
> 
> (no, not really)


I've eaten worse things. 


JohnDoe26 said:


> To be honest with you I wasn't even thinking (it wasn't malicious). It was along the lines of putting chewed gum under a school desk. But still, you could imagine the reaction of the lady. And she was African American.


Yeah, at 13 we probably don't put much thought into what might happen next.


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## Fangirl96 (Apr 13, 2015)

I slept in my mom's doublebed for a year when i was 15. I guess that counts as weird to other people. But it just happened naturally because of depressing reasons. And my own bed was like sleeping at a rock, and i slept in my parents bed all the time as a child, so it wasn't weird to me. And it was a huge bed. But it's not something i would admit to other people that i did. I miss not sleeping alone.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

I don't really have any secrets besides being a porn addict and self-harmer. I think most people here already know that too. I'm a pretty honest person.


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## JustThisGuy (Mar 24, 2012)

I stole $200 from my dad back when I was 14 or 15. Pretty shameful. It was for Christmas too. So I stole gift money from him that he was going to use on my mom. Pretty pathetic.


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## Tom5 (Mar 13, 2012)

I have have no need for lies or secrets, for I am a being of light, I am a being of darkness. For when I open my pearl white wings, children of the world find comfort from the rain,from the sun, and from harsh winds of life. Then I am known as the kind and loving guardian.

When I turn my back, and close my wings onto the horrors that I see children of the world do onto one another, I am known as the cruel and selfish guardian.






Umm...Secrets?


I can tell you , that when I was just a little child about 6 or 7 years of age, a boulder , a weight has been put onto my shoulders and I have carried this weight all of my life.

It's a long and a very strange story. When I was a little child, for my summer vacation, I use to go visit my grandfather at his farmhouse, which was completely separated away from modern world, from civilization. He lived way in the country, couple hundred miles away from my home in the city.

It was and still is a beautifull, place surrounded by green, tall forests. With green hills, fresh air, blue skies, clear rivers with lots of fish in them, and a landscape untouched and untainted by modern world. At night time, if you looked up into the sky , you could gaze thousands upon thousands of stars, due to the fact that skies were not polluted...You could get this feeling of worldliness, a sense of wonder. We raised crops, had horses, cows,goats,chickens,pigs.

There were a few other farms around us, positioned within a couple of mile radius from our farm. The community was tight, when ever work needed to be done, all of the people from all of the farms gathered together, and worked in the fields from dawn to dusk ,and at dusk, while the men were in the fields, women prepared dinner,everyone sat and celebrated a good days of work. They drank mead, ate homecooked meals,sang songs, danced.


Well anyways, I've only spent my summers at my grandfathers farm. We were surrounded by deep forests that went for countless miles in every direction. And of course they had wildlife in them, from deer,wild hogs,foxes,hawks,moose, The foxes were a constant menace on our chickens. Every now and then a chicken, will go missing. I've spoted foxes numerous times while roaming the woods. There were no other predators in these forests, so I could roam these forests freely even as a little child of age 6 or 7.
Ive been told, that deep and far away there were wolves, but they never traveled so far as to come to these parts.


Well, I remember the only time in my life where I had insomnia. Where I could lay in my bed, and for the life of me could not asleep, despite spending my whole day running around in the country, and totally physically exhausting my body. This lasted for a week or two.
Well one of these nights, being frustrated by not being able to fall asleep. I decided for what ever reason to go outside, and I decided to go visit our horse in the middle of the night. The horse was left in the field, tied on a rope on his face harness, to prevent it from roaming to far away.

And as I approached the horse, I could feel like I was walking through water, the air was heavy ,very heavy...I cant explain it any better than this.
I soon saw, that our horse was no more, what ever remained of it was being devoured by wolves. 
Now what I am about to tell you, I could never tell anyone, for the simple reason no one would believe me.
This was the first and only time in my life that I felt true fear, I was locked in my body, and I could not move. And then I saw that with the wolves there was a girl with short brown hair, maybe a year or two older than me. Then one of the wolves left the horse carcus and approached me, it walked up to me, extended its nose to my face, and licked my cheek, he was showing
his teeth, and had that "angry face" on him, with his facial muscles flexed. I could see its teeth, I could smell the fresh blood from its mouth. I thought that this was it, that I will be eaten by these wolves. But as soon as the wolf licked my face, he walked away.
I understood then that the girl was standing with the wolves, and thewolves did not attack or eat her. The wolves must of seen me to be of the same likeness as the girl, therefore they did not attack me.
So as soon as then wolf licked me,and walked away,my fear for them lifted a little bit and I decided to walk up to that girl and ask her why her wolves are eating my horse(I was6-7,logic). I walked up closer, and I cant explain it. Her eyes, shimmered in the dark, you know how you can see cats eyes in the dark, well this girl had these eyes. They were human eyes, but they shimmered in the dark. All of the sudden I had that feeling of being in the water, the air was thick. She did not reply, so I asked her what her name was,she did not say anything. 

(All my life I, for as long as I can remember that I saw people to be primitive or just plainly put simple in their nature, more animal than human in their nature. I could tell it just by looking at their eyes, at their face. )

Well as I looked at her face, I could not umderstand or fully grasp what I saw back then. But I saw someone so fully detached from the world, that nothing she saw or touched had an effect on her, it was like as if she was, something more, like she was somewhere else. I understood then, why then wolves did not eat her. They sensed it like I sensed it, the heavy air, the air did not stem from my fear of wolves, I believe that presence was hers. She never spoke to me, and I have no memory of how I got home.

See I woke up in the morning in my bed, and this whole experience would have been a dream, except my grandfather came and told me that the wolves killed and ate our horse...at the same place where I saw the horse lay dead last night....I could not tell him that I went outside at night, for fear of punishment.

Later that day, we went to see our neighbor to another farm to see if he suffered any livestock loses from the wolves. He did not, so while trying not to give anything away of what I saw last night, I asked where do children come from?(I was 6 or 7) They told me that children are brought by goats from the forest...(we were standing and milking the goats)
I was so excited, because I thought that , that girl was going to be my sister, all of it added up. She came from the forests with the wolves, its only matter of time before goats bring her out of the forest.

Every summer after that I visited my farm, I use to wait outside for her, hoping she would come, I use to go wonder deep into the depths of the forests looking for her, looking for the wolves. After a couple summers, a couple years, as I grew older and more knowledgeable, I began to hate, and doubt my self. I hated my self, because I was so afraid of the wolves.
Was she their prisoner and she was afraid to speak? Why dint I drag her with me, If I was brave then, she would be here now with me. Then there was then side of me that protested that the whole experience took place, how could she live with the wolves, did she eat raw meat. Not possible. But I know very well that this experience really happened, it just doesnt fit into what I would consider to be a part of my accepted fabric of reality.
Experience is too fantastical, too many things down add up, yet it happened. So I never told anyone.


So ever since that day, I carried a weight most people could not comprehend. I lost to the wolves, to my weakness. Something... I never had what you would consider"love" for anyone or anything in this world. But I think for 
how ever long the wolf girl encounter lasted, I felt "love" then, and I dont mean love in romantic sense, I mean love in ........Of meeting someone of your likeness...... the presence of heavy air, the features,the eyes, the skin was just too smooth, too perfect...When I looked in her eyes, Its like she had spoken a thousand words to me with out making a single noise.

All my life I had this weight, I can see through every single person, know what they are going to say before theh say it. See in their eyes simplicity of their nature.
There was absolutely no other human like that wolf girl.


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

@Tom5: wow!

I don't feel like I have any secrets ... just things that don't represent who I am, and which are no longer interesting.
@DiscardYourFear: I appreciated that.  Speaking of abandonment, one day as teenagers my sister and I needed to break into our own home (well, without breaking anything). We figured the window on the second story above the garage was probably unlocked and we only needed to push it open and take out the screen. My sister was wearing a dress but she wasn't about to lift me up to the roof, so she had to be the one to go up. I only glimpsed her falling and she was on the concrete of the driveway before I knew anything was wrong. Her head was bloody and she was badly confused but conscious. I basically panicked and had no idea what to do, but my neighbor was outside at the time and helped her over to his house and called for an ambulance. I was still just as helpless when the ambulance arrived and I only tried to stay out of the way. It never occurred to me that being her brother I might have some business being in the ambulance with her and at the hospital with her. Nor did it ever occur to me to call our parents. So off she went to the hospital. Meanwhile, I evidently had arranged to play chess with a resident at a nearby nursing home where I volunteered, so I went off to play chess. By the time I was done there, nothing about my sister was to be found in my mind and it was evening when my mom called me saying no one had any idea where I was and that she was at the hospital with my sister did any of this strike me.

So yeah, my sister falls off the roof and I'm like "cool, well I guess she's in good hands" when the ambulance shows up and go off and play chess like nothing happened. My sister gave me such a hard time over it!


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## prettypony (Sep 13, 2012)

Honestly, I think the most shameful thing about myself /is/ myself. I'm sure many people here feel the same way. Thinking back on all the stupid or awkward things I've said and done makes me cringe.


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## JDsays (Oct 20, 2015)

Telliblah said:


> One time I clogged a toilet with too much TP.
> There was nothing to unclog it with, and I was too ashamed to let people know!
> 
> so...
> ...


I've been in the same situation! It was sooooo freaking awkward. But this was many many years ago and I can look back on it and laugh now.


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## DiscardYourFear (Oct 19, 2015)

senkora said:


> @*Tom5* : wow!
> 
> I don't feel like I have any secrets ... just things that don't represent who I am, and which are no longer interesting.
> 
> ...


I would have been terrified in the same situation and probably would have reacted similarly to you. Even down to the she's in good hands. Stuff like that, when someone is weak, injured, sick makes me feel helpless.


prettypony said:


> Honestly, I think the most shameful thing about myself /is/ myself. I'm sure many people here feel the same way. Thinking back on all the stupid or awkward things I've said and done makes me cringe.


Yep. I could fill pages and pages of the stupid or awkward things I have done and said.


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## Telliblah (Sep 19, 2015)

JDsays said:


> I've been in the same situation! It was sooooo freaking awkward. But this was many many years ago and I can look back on it and laugh now.


Huh, you also unclogged it with your hand?


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

JustThisGuy said:


> I stole $200 from my dad back when I was 14 or 15. Pretty shameful. It was for Christmas too. So I stole gift money from him that he was going to use on my mom. Pretty pathetic.


I stole like 2-3 dollars when I was very young, and I felt so ashamed I had to go give it back to my mom and apologize :crying:


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## JDsays (Oct 20, 2015)

Telliblah said:


> Huh, you also unclogged it with your hand?


I didn't know what to do so I just pretended like it never happened. I know, I'm a horrible person :frown2:


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