# Are girlfriends or boyfriends something to be deserved?



## failoutboy (Jan 4, 2014)

*.*

.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes. Everyone deserves to feel loved.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

No, nobody ever deserves anything really.

We certainly believe that people deserve certain things though, because it makes us sad to think about people suffering.

I guess there's a difference though between wishing that everyone could have love, and thinking people actually deserve it.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Yes. Me and my girl have had a rough time and we deserve each other's affection and love. Being deprived of that kind of closeness and acceptance is a horrible feeling and wreaks havoc on your sense of well-being. I also believe people with SA are more deserving of it, because they will appreciate it more.


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## Arkiasis (Jun 29, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> No, nobody ever deserves anything really.


People do deserve to have health care, education and safety from crime.


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## ToeSnails (Jul 23, 2013)

I believe people deserve a CHANCE of getting those things. 
What they do with said chance are up to them selves.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

You deserve a relationship if you put effort into getting into and maintaining one. 
Even mail order brides/husbands aren't home delivered.


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## Glass Child (Feb 28, 2013)

Nothing is deserved, especially people.


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Yes.


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## HelpfulHero (Aug 14, 2013)

Your company is something to be deserved.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I would say that it is a blessing in this case.
Friends are more important, though.


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## InimitableJeeves (Aug 27, 2012)

Arkiasis said:


> People do deserve to have health care, education and safety from crime.


Agreed.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Arkiasis said:


> People do deserve to have health care, education and safety from crime.


I _want _ them to have those things to.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

No, it's not like you can force someone to date another because that person deserves it.


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## Raeden (Feb 8, 2013)

Yes. The government should force members of the community into domestic partnerships to ensure that every person has a mate.


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Raeden said:


> Yes. The government should force members of the community into domestic partnerships to ensure that every person has a mate.


Absolutely, and instead of names people should have numbers assigned instead. It's only fair.


komorikun said:


> No, it's not like you can force someone to date another because that person deserves it.


It isn't implied that people should be forced. As people say someone deserves a better life, it could be said that someone deserves a partner. It's different than saying that he/she must have one. At least that's how I see it.


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## foe (Oct 10, 2010)

Not deserved but love is something everybody should experience.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Raeden said:


> Yes. The government should force members of the community into domestic partnerships to ensure that every person has a mate.





moloko said:


> Absolutely, and instead of names people should have numbers assigned instead. It's only fair.


And thinking certain thoughts should also be a crime. :b (am I doing this right?)


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

I never really understood what 'deserve' means.


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## Putin (May 21, 2013)

i wouldn't say any individual "deserves" another individual, but a fundamental characteristic of any stable society has been that men and women, as long as they remain within the law and customs of the society, can expect to find a mate. They'll be a few exceptions, sure, but just being average should pretty much guarantee not being alone or an outcast


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

Arkiasis said:


> People do deserve to have health care,


Spoken like a Canadian.

If everybody deserves X (e.g. healthcare, or a gf/bf), who is responsible for giving a specific person X? The government?


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## sweetpotato (Apr 5, 2012)

I don't think that anybody deserves a boyfriend or girlfriend. Not referring to OP or anyone who answered "yes", but here's my point of view: if someone believes that they are being cheated or deprived of a relationship to the point that they feel they are owed one, then if/when a relationship does come along, it will be more about that entitled person and his or her ego than the other person.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

No. You can't "deserve" another human being like they're a reward.


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

No. Part of dating is being successful at playing the game and good gameplay means you achieve a significant other as a reward. If you don't play the game or you suck at it, you earn nothing.


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## BillDauterive (Oct 24, 2012)

I feel that everyone should at least be able to EXPERIENCE it once in their lifetime. Too bad I will most likely never be able to, just for the chance to bond and relate with most of humanity out there.

And I feel its easy for those here who voted "no", when they already have a partner or at least have experienced having a partner once in their lifetime. : /


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

Yes, if they are willing to put the effort in improving themselves to become the best they can be and if they respect people as equals, then he/she is more worthy of a partner. I'm talking in a general sense here, not saying that such a person deserves the affections of a certain person.


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

BillDauterive said:


> I feel that everyone should at least be able to EXPERIENCE it once in their lifetime. Too bad I will most likely never be able to, just for the chance to bond and relate with most of humanity out there.
> 
> And I feel its easy for those here who voted "no", when they already have a partner or at least have experienced having a partner once in their lifetime. : /


This is true, I imagine a lot of people saying no will have had love at some point. When you've had no one interested in you, it's a bit difficult to be rational on this topic.



diamondheart89 said:


> No. You can't "deserve" another human being like they're a reward.


So would you also say that a mother cannot deserve a son?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Things are getting way creepy these days.


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## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

Worthiness is imposed, isn't it? Relationships are not founded nor perpetuated through worthiness, but trades of benefit.

Perhaps...
perhaps...

What people mean by " I don't deserve" is that they'd feel guilty for allowing someone else to commit to them? As if life easily offers grander rewards elsewhere, deeper rewards. It can seem a bit ironic, considering this type of "deserve" likely indicates relative selflessness.



persona non grata said:


> I never really understood what 'deserve' means.


It often confuses me as well.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

apx24 said:


> This is true, I imagine a lot of people saying no will have had love at some point. When you've had no one interested in you, it's a bit difficult to be rational on this topic.
> 
> So would you also say that a mother cannot deserve a son?


Why would a mother "deserve" a son?? I don't understand that mindset at all.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

Deserve isn't the same as entitled.

Anyway, I know people who are good, lonely, and want a relationship but it eludes them. Yes they deserve to be in one. That doesn't mean they feel a sense of entitlement / that others owe them a relationship. But they're deserving. Likewise there are people who are pr.cks or apathetic, and don't deserve relationships but they get in them anyway for whatever reason.


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## VisualAttraction (Jun 12, 2012)

Well, no one deserves to have another human being, that's just a ridiculous concept.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

What's really weird is some people seem to think some guys are more deserving of casual sex than others.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> Whether someone deserves a mate depends on the system of mating that is in place. If arranged marriages were the norm or something like that, then I'd say, if that place valued fairness, people deserve a mate.
> 
> Mating in many parts of the world follows a free market system these days. Women market their goods and men compete with each other for access to those goods (although the reverse is gaining some ground). In this system, no one deserves a mate. Whether you get mate in this system depends on your aptitude, work ethic, and emotional status.
> 
> Many people determine their mating preferences based on the fleeting emotion of love, which is partly why marriages and partnerships are currently so unstable. Being that love is the predominant measure for the forming of relationships that aren't just for hedonist purposes, I don't think anyone can really say people deserve a mate.


Women totally compete with each other too. Why do you think women are so big on makeup, hair, jewelry, fashion, dieting, and plastic surgery?


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

wrongnumber said:


> Deserve isn't the same as entitled.


Ah, it's exactly this that I think but couldn't say. You managed to put it very simple and clear. And people are mixing those two in this thread, they are very different. I think some people deserve, but are not entitled to.


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

Well I think that people that deserve a good partner deserve it, but people who don't, don't, although it's always nice to see an awful person with and awful partner lol but yea it really depends on the person.


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## mike91 (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't think I deserve a girlfriend I have to many problems and a few I cant fix due to the mistakes I have made


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## elitebutterfly (Feb 2, 2014)

Everyone deserves to be loved, but you need to earn it as well and that entails uncertainty, patience, luck and some more patience - rather than rage quitting and going on a rampage against humanity.


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## BillDauterive (Oct 24, 2012)

I'd like to see the breakdown in voting from those who are currently or have been in a relationship vs. those who have never been in one so far. :blank


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

No one deserves it.


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## Tumbling Destiny (May 13, 2012)

I'm quite surprised by the results since I thought that "Yes" would've been the overwhelming response. Maybe the wording of the question has me a bit confused.

I do believe that relationships are something to be deserved, but I do not think that everyone deserves them (especially those that put no effort into actually obtaining one). Although unfortunately the amount of effort an individual person has to put in to deserve a relationship seems to vary widely.


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## entangled (May 20, 2014)

No


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## cosmicslop (Nov 24, 2012)

No. The word 'deserve' in this sense has negative connotations, and if I ever heard anyone say they deserve a bf/gf, I'd think they're whining that they should have someone to fulfill their want of just having someone. If someone cares so much about deserving an S/O they can go apply for citizenship in Singapore and have the government set up dates for them.


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## Sinatra (Mar 13, 2013)

Its foolish to think that you deserve anything.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> I guess I meant "actively compete" as in pursuing. I'm well aware that women compete with each other.


How are men actively competing? I don't really see men dueling for women's attention too often. They only compete indirectly.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

Tumbling Destiny said:


> I'm quite surprised by the results since I thought that "Yes" would've been the overwhelming response. Maybe the wording of the question has me a bit confused.


Yeah I couldn't vote in the pole because deserve is used like entitled here, which I don't agree with. Also the Elliot Rodger thing has freaked everyone out and polarised them.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> By primarily doing the pursuing.


Much of the time the only reason the pursuing happened in the first place is because the woman gave the green light in some way.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> Sure, sure. Women are the gatekeepers because they're the reproductive bottleneck. It's still generally the male's role to overcome whatever obstacles the female puts up to screen for worthy and unworthy males though.


Men are gatekeepers too. They are very picky about who they will commit to.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

This seems to be an argument more over semantics than about substance.
Whether "deserve" is the same as "have a right to", whether it implies you don't have to make any additional effort, whether it means you are more deserving than others and so on..

I would absolutely say people deserve to have a good life that makes them happy.
This includes not being homeless and not starving, even though it you have to work for the money to pay for those things if able to.
And it includes not suffering from loneliness, even though you have to put in the effort, attention and respect to have other people around.
Sadly not everybody get what they deserve though. But I think it's a dangerous attitude if we start to say it's 'fair' and 'right' when people are miserable and lonely.
And if you agree with that, then at least to some extent you agree that people do deserve not to feel that way.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

It's ridiculous to try to use evolutionary psych (pseudoscience) to say how we should behave when that's clearly not how people are actually behaving.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> In terms of mate selection, males have much less to lose (some sperm), while women could end up pregnant. Not only this, but population growth is more dependent upon the number of females available than the number of males because sperm is cheap. These two reasons are why females tend to be the gatekeepers. Males aren't nearly as picky as females because they don't have nearly as much at stake in reproduction.
> 
> Oh sure, they might be picky about what woman they want to be seen with in public because males pursue prestige, but when it comes down to mate selection beyond social purposes, many males aren't nearly as picky as females.


So now you are only talking about sex and not relationships.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Cerberus said:


> No. Reproduction is the purpose of relationships. Pretty much everything else in that relationship is for that purpose. People might enjoy these other things for recreation, but that's what it all comes down to.


That sounds like a very unhealthy (and offensive) belief.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Cerberus said:


> Why? It's not prescribing anything.


You're saying reproduction is the purpose of relationships. So what, are couples who don't want to reproduce just faking their relationship?


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

If you like someone enough, they are plenty deserving of your companionship.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

No, that was the mistake Elliot Rodger made.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

Cerberus said:


> No. Reproduction is the purpose of relationships. Pretty much everything else in that relationship is for that purpose. People might enjoy these other things for recreation, but that's what it all comes down to.


Everything you're saying is evolutionary psychology, a philosophy I generally disagree with because it confuses "what is" and "what ought to be" in society. But it doesn't explain people who don't fit the mold like non-heterosexual people or even men like me who like assertive and opinionated women.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

vicente said:


> Everything you're saying is evolutionary psychology, a philosophy I generally disagree with because it confuses "what is" and "what ought to be" in society. But it doesn't explain people who don't fit the mold like non-heterosexual people or even men like me who like assertive and opinionated women.


I think the problem is also that many people who claim to know how evolution works and what it want us to do, supposedly, really only spout off their own biased view of things. For example, the whole "men want to spread their seed, while women want a monogamous stable provider" was from research conducted on animals, and was later found to be flawed and inconclusive and largely biased, yet people still state that as "evolutionary fact" every day on the internet. There were another set of studies later showing that female animals regularly conduct extra-monogamous matings, whilst also having a "stable provider". So really, all our "evolution makes us do ______" is just a set of conclusions based off the behaviors of other mammals which are interpreted by whoever is doing the research based on their own biases. We don't really know what the objective reason is behind the things we do and how it may differ from person to person. Basically, most of these ideas are a smattering of facts skewed to fit whatever bias people hold. So, it's silly to live your life according to those "principles".


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

vicente said:


> Everything you're saying is evolutionary psychology, a philosophy I generally disagree with because it confuses "what is" and "what ought to be" in society. But it doesn't explain people who don't fit the mold like non-heterosexual people or even men like me who like assertive and opinionated women.


Evolution doesn't care about exceptions to the rule so long as the vast majority are reproducing. It's not a perfect process, but in general it works and that's what matters.

Example of evolution just going with what's "good enough":


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

diamondheart89 said:


> I think the problem is also that many people who claim to know how evolution works and what it want us to do, supposedly, really only spout off their own biased view of things. For example, the whole "men want to spread their seed, while women want a monogamous stable provider" was from research conducted on animals, and were later found to be flawed and inconclusive and largely biased, yet people still state that as "evolutionary fact" every day on the internet. There were another set of studies later showing that female animals regularly conduct extra-monogamous matings, whilst also having a "stable provider".


Who cares what other animals are doing? Their offspring are up and walking within a day. Humans take well over a decade to mature. Our needs are vastly different.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

arnie said:


> Who cares what other animals are doing? Their offspring are up and walking within a day. Humans take well over a decade to mature. Our needs are vastly different.


That's what I'm saying. Both sets of research was conducted on other animals, rather than based on humans. And they used it to come to various conclusions about humans. I wouldn't suggest living your life based around those conclusions.


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