# Learning to play the dating game



## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

I have recently learned that I am pretty crap at dating. I don't want to be sad and I have no intention of being single any longer. So I will have to make it happen.

It is called the dating game and it should probably be viewed as just that: a game. Any game can be learned. I have learned and mastered other social games, so there is no reason to believe this one cannot also be learned.

First point of order: I just signed up for two more parties at the socializing website I use.

Second: Work on how I look. This means I will lose some weight (gotten a bit chubby this year, too much time in front of the computer) and I will exercise more.

Also: I will get a new haircut and buy new clothes.

I will post about my progress (and failures :b) on here. 

Any comments and advice is appreciated. If any of you is doing a similar thing - post it up.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Good luck, your steps all sound logical and you've put yourself into the right situations to begin meeting people. I guess all you can do from here is enjoy yourself at these events as much as possible as those vibes will rub off on potential dates.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

You're gonna be fine.

Wish I could figure it out.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Thanks for the replies.
@AussiePea I am not enjoying it at the moment. It is more like problem solving at this stage.
@minimized I have not figured it out at all myself. But millions do it. Surely, I can learn this.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

All good ideas. You're sweet and cute; surely you'll have success! I'm looking forward to updates.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Why do you think you're crap at it?

You're female, young, attractive face - that should put dating on easy mode. You'll have endless options to choose from, online, on your phone, at social events. Only difficulty will be choosing a good one from all the potential guys (or girls if you like that too). 

The thing women don't realize is they have intrinsic value just from being a woman. In contrast, men have to do something, be something, have to initiate contact and conversations, have to chase. Just by being female they control access to dating, access to the hoo hoo and the snoo snoo. It's blue chips. All men want it, and want it bad, they'll climb over each other like dogpiling zombies trying to get up a wall in World War Z for a chance. 

You just sit on a pedestal and pick a winner out of the pile. There's millions of single guys near you looking to date. Which one do you want? Free guy buffet.


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## TimeUpComeOn (Oct 10, 2015)

Dating involves emotions,
Emotions involve possibility of "Love",
Playing a game with emotions, therefore playing with love,
is dangerous and unnecessary,
and it's too much big of a deal,
to make game out it.
Also it means both party are manipulating in some sort of way,
they are "playing a game".
Hm,
****ed up.


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## TimeUpComeOn (Oct 10, 2015)

There is no worse thing then,
waking up by someones side,
knowing that whatever they say,
is part of their "game",
how sincere can that be ... how natural can that be ...
And just thinking about that,
I need to think twice before saying anything to person I want to be with,
makes me sick.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

srschirm said:


> All good ideas. You're sweet and cute; surely you'll have success! I'm looking forward to updates.


Thanks. I have not had much luck at all so here is to hoping it will change.



mjkittredge said:


> Why do you think you're crap at it?
> 
> You're female, young, attractive face - that should put dating on easy mode. You'll have endless options to choose from, online, on your phone, at social events. Only difficulty will be choosing a good one from all the potential guys (or girls if you like that too).
> 
> ...


That is an overly simplified view on the matter. Clearly there are lots of girls on here who have a hard time dating. It is not as easy as you make it out to be.



TimeUpComeOn said:


> Dating involves emotions,
> Emotions involve possibility of "Love",
> Playing a game with emotions, therefore playing with love,
> is dangerous and unnecessary,
> ...


Yes, playing a game is somewhat manipulative but you know.... I met a guy at the weekend. I talked to him for 3 hours. He walked me home, asked for my number and kissed me good bye. He never called and I was pretty upset tonight.

I am done being nice and true about who I am. If being successful at dating means playing a game and pulling people's strings then so be it. I can learn that. 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## TimeUpComeOn (Oct 10, 2015)

Lisa said:


> Yes, playing a game is somewhat manipulative but you know.... I met a guy at the weekend. I talked to him for 3 hours. He walked me home, asked for my number and kissed me good bye. He never called and I was pretty upset tonight.
> 
> I am done being nice and true about who I am. If being successful at dating means playing a game and pulling people's strings then so be it. I can learn that.


To hell with all of it,
They make you learn the "arts" so you can defend yourself,
but in fact, 
in no time you become just one of million mindless zombies,
that will never experience life at fullest,
because,
you always need to have your hand on a break,
thinking,
like you are dealing with underground,
not may-be-love-of-your-life,
And it's a shame,
because you want to be safe,
and you like,
find an answer,
a technique,
and the same stuff,
destroys you from inside,
because what every living being,
at least normal wants,
is - to be sincere and happy,
and that's only possible without tinkering around.

He didn't call you back,
to be honest,
I would also be upset,
not because someone is not necessary fond of my company,
but,
hey, let's hear from each other and tell me about it,
I'm strong to listen others opinions,
but maybe not so strong to see you selling me that whole transparent **** all over again,
and not having a decency to stand up like real human being,
and voice your **** up.

It sucks, I'm sorry.


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## nihilistquestion (Aug 17, 2015)

It's a rigged game tho so goodluck but meh


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## TimeUpComeOn (Oct 10, 2015)

Asks a number,
Takes you home,
Never calls again,
Obviously he thinks he's a manager of football club,
so he's fishing for "substitutions and first 11 players",
In other words,
Douchebag.

Everyone who agrees with me, fear not my fellow SA whatever people,
Because,
I never had problems with dates,
All girls wanted me,
But I was never shallow,
So even if I didn't get connected to a girl,
At least on first date I destroyed those pricks who are such *******s to manipulate girls,
and every girl that was in my company,
romantically or not,
got lecture from me about that.
And then they opened their eyes,
here is someone not ugly or anything,
preaching me about how guys can be different.

And I ****ing love it, I feel like I healed someone.
He's a douchebag,
Fukk him, how stupid you need to be,
to be involved with a girl, like that and not call?
Why should you be together anyways, I mean,
he could call like a friend,
you can meet like friends,
but no,
he does not call,
he's not interested.
What a scum.

I'm gonna continue my deed and 
whenever I'm dating someone,
I'm gonna tell them the same story,
even if we end up enemies.

I'm gonna win this battle.
They can't stop me.
They never did.
I'm infinite.

Just fukk him.


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## TimeUpComeOn (Oct 10, 2015)

TimesUp docuhes ComeOn change uppppppppppp!


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## natsumeri (May 17, 2012)

Seems nowadays looks are everything why so much make up and cosmetics are booming, everyone judges on impression on how you look but with a great attitude anything can be pushed aside i hope good luck on your journey.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

"That is an overly simplified view on the matter. Clearly there are lots of girls on here who have a hard time dating. It is not as easy as you make it out to be."


It's simple because it's true. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but I've been dating for over a decade. Have you ever made a dating profile? Tinder? Okcupid? Plenty of Fish? Other ones? Once you set it up the messages will flood in. Read, check out their profiles, respond, they'll ask you on dates. 

What is hard about that? The only hard part is choosing which one you want out of all the options. Seriously if I was a girl I could line up so many dates it would be ridiculous.

I know you're upset about the guy who didn't call. But you could call him. Do it. Stop waiting and being passive and go for what you want. Cast a wider net, make a profile, take initiative. 

There are so many single guys out there longing for companionship. I would be willing to bet money over 50% of them would find you attractive and agree to go on a date with you. Guys are not as picky as women. And they're sick of having to be the ones to chase.


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## Euthymia (Jul 15, 2015)

mjkittredge said:


> "That is an overly simplified view on the matter. Clearly there are lots of girls on here who have a hard time dating. It is not as easy as you make it out to be."
> 
> It's simple because it's true. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but I've been dating for over a decade. Have you ever made a dating profile? Tinder? Okcupid? Plenty of Fish? Other ones? Once you set it up the messages will flood in. Read, check out their profiles, respond, they'll ask you on dates.
> 
> ...


Threads(check my signature quote) have been closed for mentioning what you are talking about because it breaks the "who has it worse" rule which refers to comparing the problems men and women have.

Whether or not women have it "easier" is completely irrelevant and it helps no one by pointing it out.

OP you are at a good start with a positive attitude and I believe if you keep at it you will find a good date for yourself.
Just remember to be social a lot to increase your chances.


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## Orbiter (Jul 8, 2015)

TimeUpComeOn said:


> Dating involves emotions,
> Emotions involve possibility of "Love",
> Playing a game with emotions, therefore playing with love,
> is dangerous and unnecessary,
> ...


I agree.
People **** up eachother, creating depressed, life hating, pessimistic individuals and calling that a "game" is a slap to the face of all those people who where at the receiving end of all the drama.
That's the problem with humans though everything is a "game".
That mentality is really messing up humanity.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

I think Lisa's mention of the word "game" is completely innocent. I've been known to use the phrase myself. It's just a colloquialism.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Is that you in the avatar? You're very pretty. Should get heaps of guys after you.

I really hate dating - although the internet has sort of made it a bit easier I guess. At least you can meet lots of people quickly.

I hope things work out for you and you meet someone nice.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

Lisa said:


> I have recently learned that I am pretty crap at dating. I don't want to be sad and I have no intention of being single any longer. So I will have to make it happen.
> 
> First point of order: I just signed up for two more parties at the socializing website I use.
> 
> ...





mjkittredge said:


> Why do you think you're crap at it?
> 
> *The thing women don't realize is they have intrinsic value just from being a woman.* In contrast, men have to do something, be something, have to initiate contact and conversations, have to chase. Just by being female they control access to dating, access to the hoo hoo and the snoo snoo. It's blue chips. All men want it, and want it bad, they'll climb over each other like dogpiling zombies trying to get up a wall in World War Z for a chance.
> 
> You just sit on a pedestal and pick a winner out of the pile. There's millions of single guys near you looking to date. Which one do you want? Free guy buffet.


Ok honestly OP, you can either listen to his sound advice, and land a guy finally, or whatever, object out of some principle even though the logic is sound, and keep struggling. Idk why people choose identifying and wearing the label of an SA sufferer over practically changing their lives and practically solving your problems with the realities on the ground. Listen to what he said:

*The thing women don't realize is they have intrinsic value just from being a woman. *

You are the chooser. The "game" is in your favor. Take his advice, and you'll get a guy. Or, do a whole bunch of unnecessary steps, and make things more difficult for yourself :stu Don't know what else to tell ya.

But you literally just have to just post pictures in your online dating profile that show you put at least some effort into your appearance, practice basic conversational skills that people with SA lack, and you should be fine.

Or, jump through hoops and take a dozen unnecessary steps. Up to you :stu Stop making things more complicated than they have to be.

Also, I can't understand why girls are hyper picky. Idk about you, but I don't necessarily have to feel like it's The Notebook to date someone. But, a lot of women choose loneliness for some odd reason instead. Like, if there are thousands of guys on a dating site, and you reject 99% of their profiles, but are still alone, then you probably need to change your whole perspective on dating. It's not the 99% of guys with the problem. :stu

Anyway, this vid basically sums up what's actually going on here:


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Euthymia said:


> Threads(check my signature quote) have been closed for mentioning what you are talking about because it breaks the "who has it worse" rule which refers to comparing the problems men and women have.
> 
> Whether or not women have it "easier" is completely irrelevant and it helps no one by pointing it out.
> 
> ...


It's very relevant when you look at what men have to go through to get a date vs what women do.

If I had it as easy as women do I'd be swimming in dates ect.

So many of the ones on here don't realize the power they have, the potential, how easy it can be. I just want to open their eyes too it, but they don't want to believe it.

Wish I could trade places with them for a month, our minds switching bodies. They can be me and see what it like trying to date, and I can be them and go get tons dates, then at the end report back to them. "You didn't get a single one? Typical. I got one every day of the month. Sometimes several in a single day."

It's not gender wars to point out reality. Your tagline about "Pursuers and selectors" is traditionalist bull**** - some women wake up and realize they can pursue, some men elevate their status & value high enough they can be the selector.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Gojira said:


> *The thing women don't realize is they have intrinsic value just from being a woman. *
> 
> You are the chooser. The "game" is in your favor.
> 
> ...


That link didn't work. Was it this video with the nail in her head?


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

srschirm said:


> All good ideas. You're sweet and cute; surely you'll have success! I'm looking forward to updates.


Hey srschirm,

long time no see! How have have you been?



nihilistquestion said:


> It's a rigged game tho so goodluck but meh


Yes, it is rigged and I will now rig it in my favour.



natsumeri said:


> Seems nowadays looks are everything why so much make up and cosmetics are booming, everyone judges on impression on how you look but with a great attitude anything can be pushed aside i hope *good luck on your journey*.


Thanks.



Euthymia said:


> Threads(check my signature quote) have been closed for mentioning what you are talking about because it breaks the "who has it worse" rule which refers to comparing the problems men and women have.
> 
> Whether or not women have it "easier" is completely irrelevant and it helps no one by pointing it out.
> 
> ...


Thanks.



don said:


> Is that you in the avatar? You're very pretty. Should get heaps of guys after you.
> 
> I really hate dating - although the internet has sort of made it a bit easier I guess. At least you can meet lots of people quickly.
> 
> *I hope things work out for you and you meet someone nice*.


Thank you.
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Dating shouldn't be about games, it should be about you having as much fun as possible and bringing someone along for the ride that enjoys your company.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Lisa said:


> Hey srschirm,
> 
> long time no see! How have have you been?


I've been pretty well, overall! Thank you for asking. How about yourself? :smile2:


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

rdrr said:


> Dating shouldn't be about games, it should be about you having as much fun as possible and bringing someone along for the ride that enjoys your company.


I hate this idea. Life itself isn't really fun. I think humor is important but I despise the idea that I'm worthless if I don't perform some 2 hour standup bit complete with fireworks and free food just for the chance to talk for a half hour or so. Dating should be about who you enjoy being around, especially at the times of life where there is nothing really happening except you know, life.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

knightofdespair said:


> I hate this idea. Life itself isn't really fun. I think humor is important but I despise the idea that I'm worthless if I don't perform some 2 hour standup bit complete with fireworks and free food just for the chance to talk for a half hour or so. Dating should be about who you enjoy being around, especially at the times of life where there is nothing really happening except you know, life.


Why do you hate the idea of having fun?

In my experiences, dating becomes an exhausting miserable exercise if you try too hard at it. Why not agree to do things that you enjoy, and that the other person might as well?

In the least you'll be doing something you like, and in the most they will have fun too and you can get to know each other better during the experience.

Sure dating is better with people you enjoy being around, but you have to put yourself first. Your date is just a date, not an audience or potential client.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Gojira said:


> Anyway, this vid basically sums up what's actually going on here:


Gojira,

I sent you friend's request yesterday because I thought you were a pleasant guy. Today you post a link to a video belittling women's dating issues in my thread? WTF!

I appreciate feedback and others' opinions but that is just rude. Stay out of this thread!



mjkittredge said:


> ----
> It's not gender wars to point out reality. Your tagline about "Pursuers and selectors" is traditionalist bull**** - some women wake up and realize they can pursue, some men elevate their status & value high enough they can be the selector.


mjkittredge,

I am just going to quote a snippet of your many and very long posts in this thread.

First: You are are no less rude than Gojira for posting another link to that youtube clip! WTF!

It seems to me that what you are trying to do is drown out others' views by swamping this thread with very many very long posts.

Constructive criticism is cool but what you are doing is basically saying that I am all wrong, that my problem does not exist and that I should just get a grip. Screw you for that and that youtube clip!!

I am going to say the same that said to the other rude guy: Posting ridiculing videos in the positive thinking thread is hostile! Are you looking to create a conflict?


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

rdrr said:


> Why do you hate the idea of having fun?
> 
> In my experiences, dating becomes an exhausting miserable exercise if you try too hard at it. Why not agree to do things that you enjoy, and that the other person might as well?
> 
> ...


I don't mind having fun, but anybody who has been in a long long relationship knows that people who require that constant entertainment are going to probably bail the first time something serious happens. I'd rather have someone who likes to be with me when I'm not doing anything at all, when I'm staring at the TV or asleep than someone who thinks I should be their only source of fun for decades.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

So I guess this thread will explode.

I am fully expecting lots of newbies coming in now trying to fan the flames. I will probably also receive aggressive pms telling me to shut it and whatever.

Just to remind everyone: This is a positve thinking thread.

Oh well :/


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## dotBSC (Apr 9, 2013)

.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

srschirm said:


> I've been pretty well, overall! Thank you for asking. How about yourself? :smile2:


Good to hear you have been well.

I am doing ok, too. The dating thing is a very big deal right now but apart from that things are quite alright. 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

Lisa said:


> Gojira,
> 
> I sent you friend's request yesterday because I thought you were a pleasant guy. Today you post a link to a video belittling women's dating issues in my thread? WTF!
> 
> I appreciate feedback and others' opinions but that is just rude. Stay out of this thread!


Lol, are you just soliciting high fives then with this thread?

If you actually listen to what we said, you would understand it's not belittling or rude in the slightest, it's advising you what you actually have to do! :doh

Anyway, the vids about the oddness of needing the feeling of people "being there" for you, OVER practically solving your problems, it seems you are trying to accomplish the former instead of the latter with this thread, it would appear :stu

Thanks for the friend request, but I also like friends that don't jump the gun or overreact, and only want you to tell them what they want to hear.

So, it's still accurate - post some pictures of you looking your best on an online dating site, practice simple conversation and small talk skills that SA suffers lack, and don't be excessively picky, and you will land a man. Or, do whatever, it's your life, but I personally would rather not take 12 steps to do something that should take 3. I'm just telling you what guys look for when they message a girl; take it as intel for your dating mission, or don't, and do it the hard way :stu

So point of video - yes your feelings are important, but if your serious about this whole dating thing, then do the above instead of making it an ordeal. Solve it realistically, I doubt you need a bunch of dating parties that most people end up not liking anyways :doh


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Lisa said:


> So I guess this thread will explode.
> 
> I am fully expecting lots of newbies coming in now trying to fan the flames. I will probably also receive aggressive pms telling me to shut it and whatever.
> 
> ...


Well it really shouldn't be a game. You're not alone in feeling annoyed and discouraged by the shallow games people play with each other.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

rdrr said:


> Dating shouldn't be about games, it should be about you having as much fun as possible and bringing someone along for the ride that enjoys your company.


I hear you! I was looking to have fun but that did not work out so well.

I intent to play a game until I meet someone nice. From that point onwards I would very much expect to enjoy again. It is just about getting there.



knightofdespair said:


> I hate this idea. Life itself isn't really fun. I think humor is important but I despise the idea that I'm worthless if I don't perform some 2 hour standup bit complete with fireworks and free food just for the chance to talk for a half hour or so. *Dating should be about who you enjoy being around*, especially at the times of life where there is nothing really happening except you know, life.


Absolutely. I am just looking to increase the chances of meeting someone. Once I meet someone nice I would expect to not have to play games anymore. Seriously, if someone is in a relationship and plays games, then they are in the wrong kind of relationship.



rdrr said:


> Why do you hate the idea of having fun?
> 
> In my experiences, *dating becomes an exhausting miserable exercise if you try too hard at it. Why not agree to do things that you enjoy, and that the other person might as well?*
> 
> ...


I have every intention to enjoy and do stuff I and the other like doing.

But first I need to find someone nice. And that is what this thread is about: Increasing the chances of meeting someone. I am basically on a mission


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Lisa said:


> Good to hear you have been well.
> 
> I am doing ok, too. The dating thing is a very big deal right now but apart from that things are quite alright.


Yeahhh, join the club. I'm still single too.  It's okay, our time will come.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

srschirm said:


> Yeahhh, join the club. I'm still single too.  It's okay, our time will come.


It will 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

And now back to the actual topic of this thread.

The diet is in full swing. I only had broccoli for lunch :lol

I am still recovering from a bad cold so I have to hold off on the exercising for a few more days.

Nothing else to report on as yet.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

Lisa said:


> And now back to the actual topic of this thread.
> 
> The diet is in full swing. I only had broccoli for lunch :lol
> 
> ...


And, that is great progress :clap

Working on yourself and valuing yourself is a big part of both overcoming SA and relationship hurdles.


mjkittredge said:


> That link didn't work. Was it this video with the nail in her head?


Yes it is 

The point of the video is pretty relevant on solving the root of a problem vs. dwelling on the feelings caused by the problem, and which makes the most sense.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Lisa said:


> Absolutely. I am just looking to increase the chances of meeting someone. Once I meet someone nice I would expect to not have to play games anymore. Seriously, if someone is in a relationship and plays games, then they are in the wrong kind of relationship.


That is what a lot of us guys with SA struggle with I think, and maybe all guys to some extent even without SA. Most guys are boring as hell. 3/4 of my life now is work, and when I'm not at work I tend to try to fit in stuff like the gym, shopping, and cooking with maybe an hour of a computer game or something before I go to sleep. How many guys get shot down every day because they don't happen to have some great itinerary planned out for the perfect date to impress someone? I just want to find someone who I can stand to be with and makes life a little better - its the little things that matter to me more than the big stuff but I seem to be alone in that mind set a lot.


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## Gojira (Jun 1, 2015)

knightofdespair said:


> That is what a lot of us guys with SA struggle with I think, and maybe all guys to some extent even without SA. Most guys are boring as hell. 3/4 of my life now is work, and when I'm not at work I tend to try to fit in stuff like the gym, shopping, and cooking with maybe an hour of a computer game or something before I go to sleep. How many guys get shot down every day because they don't happen to have some great itinerary planned out for the perfect date to impress someone? I just want to find someone who I can stand to be with and makes life a little better - its the little things that matter to me more than the big stuff but I seem to be alone in that mind set a lot.


That basically sums up excessive pickyness... you listed traits of what ought to be a great person to date ie. dating material. You know, just a regular person.

But you are correct, we can't just be ourselves, we have to hop on one leg to woo and impress.

But I think a big chunk of women's dating woes are due to being highly selective... good guys you mentioned don't get responses to their messages. For what? Being the average person? If that's so, then women really can't be upset that they are alone if they are weeding out perfectly good matches because they are not prince charming :doh

I never got to welcome you back, btw  Hope you are well.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Lisa said:


> Gojira,
> I sent you friend's request yesterday because I thought you were a pleasant guy. Today you post a link to a video belittling women's dating issues in my thread? WTF!
> I appreciate feedback and others' opinions but that is just rude. Stay out of this thread!
> mjkittredge,
> ...


I'm not meaning to be rude or hostile towards you. It is not my intention to drown out anyones opinion (not that it would work anyway) or cause conflict.

In some of my comments I am dealing with my own frustrations with the dating game, venting my thoughts and feelings.

As for the video, I think you are interpreting it in the most negative light possible.

It is not meant to dismiss women or their problems or your problems. It is highlighting gender differences in approaches to problems. Sometimes people, typically women, just want to vent about issues they face and not hear solutions or advice, they simply want someone to listen and have sympathy. Other times people, typically men, when they hear someone complain about problems and issues, they want to try and fix it, and they don't listen well or offer much if any sympathy or emotional support. The video does try to make a joke about it, and it's open to interpretation.

Even if the genders were reversed and the nail was in the guys head, I think the message would be the same - be more logical and reasonable than emotional to deal with the problem in the simplest most direct way. If a person just complains and won't accept advice the problem persists and they complain more and it gets worse and worse.

I'm not saying you're all wrong or that your problem does not exist. You want more success with dating and have experienced what you deem to be failure.

I'm trying to have a positive message for you with my posts, that you can do more and make it easier for yourself. I want to encourage you to think outside the box, to be more logical than emotional, to realize and utilize your advantages since you are female and attractive.

Go call that guy instead of assuming he's not interested. There's no law against doing that, no rule that makes any sense saying you can't. Try. Go for what you want. Go make a profile on a dating site. Watch the messages pour in by the hundreds.

I'm sorry I upset you, I like you and want you to have success.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

knightofdespair said:


> How many guys get shot down every day because they don't happen to have some great itinerary planned out for the perfect date to impress someone? I just want to find someone who I can stand to be with and makes life a little better - its the little things that matter to me more than the big stuff but I seem to be alone in that mind set a lot.


I agree...to me it's more about who you're with, than what you're doing. I like girls who can just take it easy and chill out without having to be constantly out and about (which I like too, but I also like to chill).


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Gojira said:


> That basically sums up excessive pickyness... you listed traits of what ought to be a great person to date ie. dating material. You know, just a regular person.
> 
> *But you are correct, we can't just be ourselves, we have to hop on one leg to woo and impress.*
> 
> ...


Yes, you can just be yourself.

I actually agree that women have the upper hand in dating to a large extent, especially on dating sites. My current gf told me just how many guys contacted her - for some reason she looked at my message to her and we went from there. But I certainly didn't jump up and down to try and impress her. I was just myself. I'm far too old for silly games - if a woman likes me we can maybe give it a go (if I like her obviously) but games are for kids.

You are over-simplifying the situation. Women have a hard time finding someone decent too. I hear about it constantly from my younger sister and now from my girlfriend's best friend. My sister actually said the other day that she thinks guys have it made nowadays with so many women on dating sites - especially older ladies. She used the word "smorgasboard".

It's all a question of perspective. It's hard for all of us to find someone genuine - and decent. So much bull**** nowadays you have to wade through.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

@Gojira Another thing to remember is that just because a woman might find it easier to initially get dates and attract guys - doesn't actually mean that much in the long term. First of all, the guys can be real arseholes anyway and secondly - they still have to develop and maintain a relationship.

Do you honestly think that just because someone is female they can now magically get someone to love and care about them? Ot that they can continue to keep that guy interested in them? They might have a bit of an upper hand initially, but that goes out the window fast.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

knightofdespair said:


> That is what a lot of us guys with SA struggle with I think, and maybe all guys to some extent even without SA. Most guys are boring as hell. 3/4 of my life now is work, and when I'm not at work I tend to try to fit in stuff like the gym, shopping, and cooking with maybe an hour of a computer game or something before I go to sleep. How many guys get shot down every day because they don't happen to have some great itinerary planned out for the perfect date to impress someone? I just want to find someone who I can stand to be with and makes life a little better - its the little things that matter to me more than the big stuff but I seem to be alone in that mind set a lot.


I think all of what you said is what most people have to offer and what most people's lives are like. And that is a good thing.

The dating game seems to all be about offering something special. Have you thought about joining meetup.com? Get to know a group that does stuff together and meet someone nice and normal who does not participante in the dating game.



mjkittredge said:


> *In some of my comments I am dealing with my own frustrations with the dating game, venting my thoughts and feelings.*


I gathered that. 



mjkittredge said:


> It is not meant to dismiss women or their problems or your problems. It is highlighting gender differences in approaches to problems. *Sometimes people, typically women, just want to vent about issues they face and not hear solutions or advice*,


And isn't that what you do, too?

I see that men struggle with the game. I have read many threads about guys not getting responses on dating sites, needing to bend over backwards to impress etc.

Women do not have those issues (generally speaking). And I can see how angry you and others are at how unfair it is. And you are quite right to be angry about that.

BUT: The game is not exactly easy for us, either. We just have different issues. And they are not all in our heads but are very real.

University educated urban men have very high expectations of potential partners. Women must be young (some really want to know with respect to your child bearing abilities, no kidding!), good looking, healthy and fit, popular, of reasonble wealth and with a high powered career.

And they do check all of that pretty much during the first conversation. It's an ugly game!

I read an article about dating in San Franscisco the other day. It pretty much described what is going on over here. Some guy commented that the only way you can find a partner in San Franscisco is if you meet them in another state and basically bring them with you.

We should probably not fight in threads but read each other's posts and learn from one another.



mjkittredge said:


> I'm trying to have a positive message for you with my posts, that you can do more and make it easier for yourself. I want to encourage you to think outside the box, to be more logical than emotional, to realize and utilize your advantages since you are female and attractive.
> 
> *Go call that guy instead of assuming he's not interested. There's no law against doing that,* no rule that makes any sense saying you can't. Try. Go for what you want. Go make a profile on a dating site. Watch the messages pour in by the hundreds.
> 
> I'm sorry I upset you, I like you and want you to have success.


He was very likable but he was still the type of man I described above. And that kind of person sticks to the rules and expects me to stick to them, too. If he were interested he would have called.



mjkittredge said:


> I'm sorry I upset you, I like you and want you to have success.


It's all good http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

I see nothing wrong with seeing dating as a game as long as you are fair. Seeing stuff as game made it often easier for me than seeing everything as extremely important and dangerous or life destroying...


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

The Sorrow said:


> I see nothing wrong with seeing dating as a game as long as you are fair. *Seeing stuff as game made it often easier* for me *than seeing everything as extremely important* and dangerous or life destroying...


That's the spirit!


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## McFly (Jul 15, 2014)

Good luck with your weight loss goals and working on the dating game. It's that type of determination that a lot of us here need to work on, myself included. Dating is indeed a game, the type where you build yourself up after every defeat. I don't know how old you are, but you look young enough in your avatar to have plenty of time to find a partner.


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

Well, I love living vicariously so I await your next update.

That said, we guys can be stupid sometimes.

I've probably had about a dozen women on dating sites contact me but I haven't acted on it.

Granted, some of them were not attractive and some were not compatible with me but there were a few good ones where I am just so apathetic/indecisive sometimes.

If I knew they had SA or were very shy it might be a little different.

So moral of the story is don't message any guys with SA


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

McFly said:


> Good luck with your weight loss goals and working on the dating game. It's that type of determination that a lot of us here need to work on, myself included. *Dating is indeed a game, the type where you build yourself up after every defeat.* I don't know how old you are, but you look young enough in your avatar to have plenty of time to find a partner.


That is the way I am looking at it.



Findedeux said:


> Well, I love living vicariously so I await your next update.
> 
> That said, we guys can be stupid sometimes.
> 
> ...


Interesting. So online dating can bring some results for men. Why don't you make another go of it and make yourself go on every single date that you can get? That would be great experience. And who knows? You might meet someone nice.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//de.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

You are so brave...

This will be me when I get out of school...


I'll be boy patrolling...like its my job ... Like: I'm gonna need you to follow me down to the precinct ( my place) 😂 haha.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Playing the game:

I am still somewhat ill. It seems it is a proper virus rather than a simple cold. And it takes longer to recover from that. Consequently both the diet and exercising are on temporary hold.

I will go to another party on Saturday. In the meantime, someone who I spoke to at the last party (only briefly and as part of a group) contacted me. I agreed to have coffee with him on Saturday afternoon. He is not my type really but who knows? He might be very nice.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

7th.Streeter said:


> You are so brave...
> 
> This will be me when I get out of school...
> 
> I'll be *boy patrolling...like its my job *... Like: I'm gonna need you to follow me down to the precinct ( my place) &#128514; haha.


Well put. :lol


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

UPDATE

I am still on a diet, it is working but it is kind of slow.

I exercise regularly and that is going ok, too.

I have an appointment at the hairdresser on Tuesday. I will completely change the cut and color. Hopefully that will go ok and the color will be nice. 

I am actually dating someone now. I am kind of terrified of getting dumped although he seems sweet and nice. But I am just so anxious.


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## slowlyimproving (Jan 2, 2014)

Lisa said:


> UPDATE
> 
> I am still on a diet, it is working but it is kind of slow.
> 
> ...


Congratulations!


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

slowlyimproving said:


> Congratulations!


Thanks 

Hopefully it will go ok. OMG.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Lisa said:


> UPDATE
> 
> I am still on a diet, it is working but it is kind of slow.
> 
> ...


Awesome! Be confident. You're a catch, and this guy is lucky to be seeing you!


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

srschirm said:


> Awesome! Be confident. You're a catch, and this guy is lucky to be seeing you!


Thanks


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