# I just can't do this anymore...



## End0fTheRoad (Oct 10, 2014)

I failed many job interviews and honestly I couldn't care less, I knew job would only make me much much worse than I was, and it is true.
There is no way I would ever pass interview, I shake, sweat, I'm extremely anxious and awkward and weird looking and all that doesn't do me any good while being judged and watched by interviewers.

My parents then found me some job (they don't give a **** about my SA or depression or anything else, they just call me lazy and retarded and tell me to "be normal") where I have to work with people, speak, interact and worse of ****ing all I have to sitt right next to my boss, he sees all I do so I have to work all the time, he asks me questions so I'm always scared and just cant relax AT ALL.
I didn't have to go to interview or anything, my parents took care of that, all I had to do is show up and just work, and they told me they will kick me out if I don't, so I have no choice...

I work 8-10 or even more hours per day and combine that with very severe SA, extreme depression, being introverted and just hating world and people and its ****ing hell.
When I'm at work I just stare at clock, look down, and just try to pass time to go home.
They all see that im awkward and most of people already gave up on me, they dont even say Hi anymore, and those that do try to speak with me always tell me to speak more, not be shy and **** like that.

Work is not that easy but its not problem, If I was alone I would gladly do it for 20 hours a day, but problem are people.
I'm so mentaly exausted, suicidal, depressed every day after work that I just cant do anything.
Today I worked for 10 hours and I honestly cant move anymore, I'm sitting here in my room staring at screen, I cant even take ****ign shower or eat, My brain is so exhausted that I cant do anything anymore.
I will probably sleep only 2 hours tonight and repeat same **** tmrw.

I was like this since first day of job and I will be until they fire me (which will be very soon) and I can't wait for it, but then I will have to look for another job and go through same **** again, untill I just end it one day.

**** this life, I have enough issues even without job or any of that ****.


----------



## pbjsamm (Jul 16, 2013)

You can do this. Please don't ever give up. I don't know you but I like you and you seem like you have such heart and kindness, and can use your experience to learn and grow as a person, if you let it be your teacher, and not bang yourself over the head for being different, for being sensitive, for being the introvert that by nature.. you are. You are here for a reason. I know it's hell, sitting next to your boss and feeling nervous all day and frustrated with the situation, with the surroundings, and feeling monitored and unable to relax because of all the people!!!! It is tough to deal with so much external stimuli and close quarters as an introvert who likes privacy, solitude, and space. You are not alone in your feelings. Your feelings are what they are. They are a part of you. The best advice I can give is to not try to fight with your feelings. Don't berate yourself for having them. If you find the negativity is automatic, just ride the wave of negativity. All thoughts and feelings are transitory. I know some feelings persist and can wear you down and make you feel like you can't take it anymore, but you need to hold on and keep going because there is a reason to your life. There is pain for a reason, just as there is happiness. 

Ending it is definitely not the way. There are other jobs out there and there is bound to be one that suits your personality. Just keep looking. Push through the feelings. Don't push them away, but work through them. I know you're struggling. I feel the struggle when reading your post. I live the struggle because like you, I experience tremendous social anxiety in the workplace. However, you can't escape working, so you can either a) press on and try to grow and heal during the process -or- b) find a job that better suits you, personally, and maybe the anxiety will naturally abate. 

Honestly, I think the world has so much to offer you but you're so caught up in your worries and anxiety and obsessing over them... as many of us on this site are... that you don't give your mind/body the break it needs. 

I highly recommend the Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety by John Forsyth and George Eifert. I really think you should read this and the first chapter alone will open your eyes.

Anxiety is part of life. No one is immune to it, and some experience it to a greater degree at times than others, but it's something not to obsess over, but to just live with and by living, you have to not obsess over your feelings, but rather let them be, and accept them for what they are and what they are revealing to you. Please be kind to yourself. Try to rest, try to shower, try to eat. Turn off your computer and don't read about anxiety or how to solve it, get rid of it. At least, take some time away from doing that.

You'll be okay. We're here to support you!!! The true power to deal with these feelings is within yourself though. You are strong.


----------



## JamesM2 (Aug 29, 2012)

I feel your pain - work has a similar effect on me. I come home so depressed and drained from being around people all day - I never cook on weeknights because it's too much effort, and I can't enjoy anything so I end up on forums like this all night, just constantly refreshing the page, whiling away the time until it's time to go to bed so I can get some sleep before having to get up and go through the same crap all over again. 

I just do not cope well being around other people for extended periods of time. This constant alienation I feel from having to spend so much of my life at work around my co-workers is horrible and makes me hate life so much.


----------



## End0fTheRoad (Oct 10, 2014)

@pbjsamm I can't deal with people anymore, I just want to be left alone, people did this to me (bullying, being beaten, laughed at, made fun of) so no matter what kind of job I get I will still have to be around people, nothing will change, I just want to be left alone...
Sometimes I'm so exhausted from anxiety, depression, worries that I can't lift 5 pounds, my coworkers always look or laugh at me, they think I'm really weak.

They just told me I will have to work Saturday too, that only made it 10 times worse, I only get Sunday off and we all know how fun Sunday is, as soon as you wake up you worry about Monday, I'm not a ****ing robot, I'm a person.

My only hope at this point is to win lottery but guess what my SA is so bad that I can't walk in store and buy a ****ing ticket, I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I won't last much longer like this.
@JamesM2 I honestly don't have energy for anything when I come home, I take shower like once in a 5 days and even then I have to prepare all day to take simple 5-10 min shower.
I can't even brush my ****ing teeth or get anything to eat most of the time I just sit in this chair and play games, or just sit on bed and stare at wall thinking how I have like 50 more years of this ****.

There is just no place for people like us in this world, nobody understand us and even if they did they wouldn't care, they think we can just snap out of it or that we are like this because we like it...


----------



## pup55 (Aug 26, 2012)

End0fTheRoad said:


> There is just no place for people like us in this world, nobody understand us and even if they did they wouldn't care, they think we can just snap out of it or that we are like this because we like it...


That is so not true.....

Nothing i can say will make you think positive..but that's what you have to do


----------



## End0fTheRoad (Oct 10, 2014)

pup55 said:


> That is so not true.....
> 
> Nothing i can say will make you think positive..but that's what you have to do


Thinking positive when you have so many serious issues is pointless and useless, that would be just deluding myself at this point.

How is it not true?
Most of people don't even know what SA is, what it does to a person and how it ruins lives.
To have gf, job, house, family, or just to survive you have to speak, and we can't do it.
Parents don't understand you, don't care or just ignore it, people say you dont be shy, just snap out of it, you will grow out of it, they think you are retarded, consider you a loser.
You have hard time getting job, friends or anything else.


----------



## End0fTheRoad (Oct 10, 2014)

Had another great day at job:

"does he ever speak"
"I don't think he has any emotions or expressions"
"he needs to relax"
Got weird looks, and stares, like usually.

Already lost few pounds (I'm really skinny without even losing any weight), started getting grey hairs, and I'm completely exhausted, can't even move anymore, let alone lift anything.

Only one good news from all this, hopefully my heart will give up soon so I can finally be "free" from this ****ty life.
I would like to go to sleep and never wake up but that is just too much to ask for, cuz you know that would make it easy for me...


----------



## ilsr (Aug 29, 2010)

if you don't mind, what is the job? I'm curious why you have to work next to the boss all day?

to share, I don't pass job interviews anymore. I usually get laughed at. Even with prior
work experience. Sometimes they even ask me questions not related to the job or
even a work "situation" related question. just to try to get me to say how I waste my time during the day


----------



## theghost0991 (Mar 29, 2014)

I understand you. The people are actually quite easy after a while. Ya just smile, regardless of how they behave toward you, it doesn't really even have to be a real smile. My real problem is im sure I will be fired soon, that is what is causing me stress.

Unpopular opinion, but, this might be somewhat good for you. After my first customer service job, my SA got a little better. The customers bad attitudes affect you less and less over time.


----------



## RWA123 (May 17, 2012)

My old job took the same toll on me mentally and physically for eight years before I quit. If you feel yourself headed down that dark road you should sit your parents down and explain to them that you need help more then you need a job right now, hopefully they'll understand. Good luck.


----------



## End0fTheRoad (Oct 10, 2014)

Yea, I was laughed @ and made fun of in every interview I went to.
They see I'm really awkward and nervous and they just have fun with insulting me and laughing at me.

For me it won't get easier with time, I was this way since I was born, I just want to be alone, and years and years of bullying didn't help at all, I just can't go on anymore.
I honestly dont know what to do...
More time I spend around others more I see how awkward I am and how I don't belong here, so I just hate myself more, and others too, and it all makes my depression and sa worse.
My only hope at this point is money, if I had like 50k dollars I would move away to my old country and could live there my whole life with that money, wouldn't have to be around others or work ever again.

There is nothing for me to look forward to, I dont have hobbie, friends, girl, or anything else and tbh I don't want any of that either, I have enough stress already, don't need any more.

They even laugh at my face, today pretty much everybody was laughing at me, I wish It was all in my head but it is not.
Then they make fun of me being quiet, just working and not speaking, like no matter what I do I will be laughed at.
I know I'm awkward and really quiet but you dont have to remind me of that every ****ing single moment of the day, you know I didnt just wake up one day and said I will be awkward and not talk at all, there is reasons or reasons actually why I am like this.
Why cant people just understand that not everybody is same, and quiet people are people too...

I tried working out for past 5 years, but just can't.
Being super skinny and not being able to gain weight, plus extreme depression, sa and many many other problems dont go well when combined.

To think I have 50 more years of this left..............
Hopefully my heart gives up soon, there is just no point in trying and no place here for someone like me.


----------

