# If you think people won't like you...



## rpmth (Jan 23, 2011)

A friend of mine gave me some very helpful advice, and I've paraphrased/expanded on it to share with everyone:

If you think people won't like you or if you think you should have done or said this or that, the worst thing you can do is to keep worrying they won't like you or that you should have done or said this or that. People notice that your nerves are overactive and they won't want to get closer because they don't know what you'll do or when.

I knew that for a long time, actually, and I let it get to me because that certainty that I'd turn people away just made me even more of a nervous wreck: it was a vicious cycle.

Medication to help in this process? Why not: SSRIs can take the edge off and help you cope a little bit better.

Think people won't like you because of this or that quirk? Most people who truly dislike someone dislike him because of a character defect, not because of a quirk. Quirks are immutable. But unless you're a total sociopath you can correct TRUE character defects - selfishness, dishonesty and disloyalty tend to be the ones that repulse potential friends the most. If you know how to share, you have a good honest conscience and you can keep secrets and stand by what you believe you MUST NOT worry about whether you will say or do what you should say or whether you said or did what you should have said or done.

Hard to work on? I struggle with it every day. Keep struggling. It's the only way.


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## cubanscorpio (Jun 30, 2010)

yea this concept that we change how we naturally act because we want the other person to approve of us does not work at all and makes me wonder why so many of us get stuck trying this idea thinking it will someday work. you're more likely to be liked if you just act as you are and just be respectful. the consistency of being a certain way (which ever way that is) supports trust and thus the bonding process. people will better be able to form an accurate perspective of your personality if you are consitent with the way you act. if you change up your behavior regularly you will be seen as kind of loopy and not centered; and this is not condusive to being respected or just accepted for that matter.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

This is all good, but it's important to remember that no matter how social and charismatic you become, there will always be somebody out there who will find a reason not to like you. You can't please everybody all the time. This is why it's important not to act out in order to please anybody and stay true to who you are. Because there are people out there who will like you for you.


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## Krikorian (May 16, 2011)

rpmth said:


> If you think people won't like you or if you think you should have done or said this or that, the worst thing you can do is to keep worrying they won't like you or that you should have done or said this or that. People notice that your nerves are overactive and they won't want to get closer because they don't know what you'll do or when.


Damn, now I'm nervous about being nervous, and nervous that my nervousness about being nervous will make others nervous.


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## absintherobette (Jul 8, 2011)

Good advice.


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## odicepaul (Jul 20, 2009)

Krikorian said:


> Damn, now I'm nervous about being nervous, and nervous that my nervousness about being nervous will make others nervous.


makes me nervous just thinking about it! :afr


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## rpmth (Jan 23, 2011)

Krikorian said:


> Damn, now I'm nervous about being nervous, and nervous that my nervousness about being nervous will make others nervous.


:yes

I know what you mean. But at that point there is only one thing to do:

LAUGH.

Ideally, you'll find someone who's understanding, trustworthy and open-minded and explain the situation calmly and carefully. It's always better if you can find someone to laugh with you.


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## rpmth (Jan 23, 2011)

AntiAnxiety said:


> This is all good, but it's important to remember that no matter how social and charismatic you become, there will always be somebody out there who will find a reason not to like you. You can't please everybody all the time. This is why it's important not to act out in order to please anybody and stay true to who you are. Because there are people out there who will like you for you.


An important qualification. However, even this needs to be qualified.

Everyone desires and even needs to be loved. It is right to search to make oneself lovable, although this should be done with higher aims in mind. Your reputation should reflect your character, though sometimes it does not--but if your character is good, then that's all that you need to worry about. And while it is true that you should not judge your character simply by what others think of you, you can use their opinions as a gauge to help yourself.

On the other hand, it is true that not everyone will like you, and being "popular" should never be an end in itself.

The danger, though, is that as a reaction to social anxiety one develops a crusty and off-put persona and pushes everyone away, thinking, "If they don't like me it's because they're idiots." Eventually it can get to the point where you push away even people who WANT to be friends because you're so defensive.

Qualifications on which I speak: personal story of my junior high school experience.


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