# My tip for guys like me who have SA (and now a video added)



## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

If you're having trouble in the dating world, I think it's because you're taking it too seriously. When you see that girl, you're taking it too seriously like it's a life or death situation. Just make eye contact and smile. Yes: smile. When you're with her, stop trying to think about what she's thinking or how you're coming across. The irony is that the more you focus on these things, the worse the date will come out. I know this because I used to be like that all the time.

One way to deal with this is always try to meet new people. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. I know that a lot of people with SA are sensitive like I am to failure. But it softens the blow when you have options. If one person rejects you, talk to other people who are either already in your life or you're meeting for the first time.

Edit: I found this link of a site that features a series of short videos that someone uploaded from a TV special. It deals with 3 guys who have a lot of problems (maybe even a form of SA) in dating and need confidence. Highly recommended.

http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com/2006/08/watch-seduction-school-episode-video.html


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

Sounds simple, but that's very good advice. I think oversensitivity is one of the biggest problems with most of us.


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## thecurerules (May 31, 2004)

Imagine if some guy with social anxiety disorder approached around 20 girls everyday for a month. Not necessarily with the intention to attract and seduce but to have normal, fun conversation...I bet it would be a life changing experience.

I don't care who you are or how bad your social anxiety is, it would be a giant step in overcoming anxiety and fear.

I would love to try something like this, but just thinking about approaching a girl is absolutely terrifying.

:hide


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## Restless Mind (Jul 19, 2006)

*Re: My tip for guys like me who have SA*



Strength said:


> If you're having trouble in the dating world, I think it's because you're taking it too seriously. When you see that girl, you're taking it too seriously like it's a life or death situation. Just make eye contact and smile. Yes: smile. When you're with her, stop trying to think about what she's thinking or how you're coming across. The irony is that the more you focus on these things, the worse the date will come out. I know this because I used to be like that all the time.
> 
> One way to deal with this is always try to meet new people. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. I know that a lot of people with SA are sensitive like I am to failure. But it softens the blow when you have options. If one person rejects you, talk to other people who are either already in your life or you're meeting for the first time.


Good advice.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I don't take it too seriously. In fact I don't even bother trying to date anymore. I figure what girl is going to be interested in someone my age who has no job and still lives at home and does nothing?

Relationships look like way too much work for someone with SA as bad as mine. Having to take her out to dinner and keep a conversation going...meeting her family and friends...getting dragged out to social events by her...and other things we'd rather not do. I can't see myself going through all of that nonsense.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

This is good advice. However, I have to be honest and utter the cliche "easier said than done". 

I'm not trying to be an ***, but I've heard this a million times and I'm still 22 years old and I have never touched a girl.


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## beckjcream (Feb 20, 2005)

thecurerules said:


> Imagine if some guy with social anxiety disorder approached around 20 girls everyday for a month. Not necessarily with the intention to attract and seduce but to have normal, fun conversation...I bet it would be a life changing experience.
> 
> I don't care who you are or how bad your social anxiety is, it would be a giant step in overcoming anxiety and fear.
> 
> ...


sounds like a good idea, but my problem is that i don't even know how to have a normal, fun conversation with a random stranger much less an attractive girl. its not my sa that gets in the way but my lack of an appealing personality and developed social skills.


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

Where i live people don't walk up to random persons and start to talk. If i did that with my somedays weird personality they would probably call the police or something :cig 


...And what do you mean by fun conversation? The weather, favourite booze, favourite animal, how much a bear poops, why icecream melts so fast ??


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

Kim the mighty panda :lol ... those guys are great


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

I think that site is funny. They assume that all guys dream is a hot blonde woman, nothing else really matters. Just by looking perfect like a Playboy model she is the girl of your dreams. It doesn't matter if she's nice or smart...... 


WTF is Kim??


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Carbon Breather said:


> Where i live people don't walk up to random persons and start to talk. If i did that with my somedays weird personality they would probably call the police or something :cig


Not trying to create a pessimism party, but that's how it is here as well. IMHO, people don't like it when you just go up and start talking to them. When it comes to girls, I think they know what's going on. Now, if it's, say, a girl that works, oh, at the register at K-Mart and you go there once or twice every other week and you think you have some positive signals, it may be worth trying then. Although, if she isn't interested, you can't go to K-Mart anymore. I can't imagine ever just going up to a girl you don't know at all. Not only is it strange and uncommon, it's really just inappropriate. Real life does not equal the movies. Unfortunately, to meet members of the opposite sex, you've got to hang around them, as in with friends or work. Look at me giving advice. Ugh. I feel sick.


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## Guest (Aug 25, 2006)

The advice is good. I wouldn't recommend just approaching random girls, though. I tried that a few times and its just pointless cause its so obvious what you are doing and it isnt really appropriate. The only thing it is good for is getting over "whats the worst that can happen" fear cause you'll see that its no big deal what she says, but then again you aren't getting a positive response either so don't keep doing it.


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## thecurerules (May 31, 2004)

Approaching a girl for conversation is inappropriate? That doesn't make any sense at all. Guys approach girls all the time. Some of them get rejected, others get laid, and some of them even get girlfriends.

Just because the girl you approached gave you a hard time and reacted in a rude, unfriendly manner (inappropriate behavior right there) doesn't mean the next girl will do the same thing. And besides, like I said, *you're not approaching because you're interested in the girl and you want her phone number*. You're approaching because you just want to talk...tell her she looks like an interesting person to talk to, or you would like her opinion on something (use your imagination). There is nothing inappropriate about approaching someone for conversation...


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> Approaching a girl for conversation is inappropriate? That doesn't make any sense at all. Guys approach girls all the time. Some of them get rejected, others get laid, and some of them even get girlfriends.


I've never seen it.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Well, this guy doesn't. But that's just me. My whole point is that most people meet members of the opposite sex through friends, work, school, etc. Not that approaching someone isn't going to lead to anything. Just from my perspective it's out of the question... for me.


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## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

Forget what the girl thinks or how she feels. Just go up to her and 484 other girls and say the same, tired pickup lines. They love that stuff.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

thecurerules said:


> like I said, *you're not approaching because you're interested in the girl and you want her phone number*. You're approaching because you just want to talk.


My logic is the complete opposite of that. I have pretty severe SA, so I don't talk to anyone (including my own family most of the time) unless I want or need something. So if I'm ever going to approach a women, it's going to be because I think she's smokin hot and I want phone number.


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

BeNice said:


> Well, this guy doesn't. But that's just me. My whole point is that most people meet members of the opposite sex through friends, work, school, etc. Not that approaching someone isn't going to lead to anything. Just from my perspective it's out of the question... for me.


Yeah. I have known one guy in my life that hooked up with a girl he met in a club. The other have met girls in school, work, through friends.
The dating scene doesn't exist here. I don't know anyone who have gone out with someone they didn't already know.

The problem is that in school i was to shy and messed up to talk to girls. At work there are 90% guys. The people i sometimes hang out with know very few girls and i'm not interested in them. I've given up on the whole relationship thing.......


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## Guest (Aug 26, 2006)

I used to read that seduction stuff and I did a couple of "approaches." Yes, they are right it does give you a high, but nobody is going to have a high success rate just randomly approaching. I'd like to see the so-called masters try it. They may be good with women, but they still aren't going to pick up random girls that easily.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

I really don't know what the "percentages" are of success, but if you're looking for a significant other you just need one to work. So what difference does it make if the success rate is high or low if you want a committed relationship with one person? It's like in baseball or soccer, most swings at the plate or shots on goal won't be successful, but you still go for it because of the chance that it could.


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## likewater (Aug 3, 2006)

strength, that video is awesome man, thank you.


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## Goran (Dec 9, 2003)

beckjcream said:


> sounds like a good idea, but my problem is that i don't even know how to have a normal, fun conversation with a random stranger much less an attractive girl.


Yep.


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## biggoofybastard (Jul 26, 2004)

Great vids, neil is my new hero


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

It seemed like all the girls that the tall guy approached during the end were smiling and gazing at him. Yet it said he only got one girls number on the last night. I'm guessing it had to be a lack of asking.

The funny part was they were saying looks don't matter which can be true. If you don't have the looks you better have one hell of a personality to get her attention and keep her interested. If you noticed the guys struggled at the beginning because their socializing sucked. They were getting those looks that I'm so familiar with that say "you're creepy, thank God I'm in a public place and not a dark alley with you". 

My problem is I will always have the anxiety which is something that just won't work. The anxietyt that I get just standing next to a women between the age of 18-40 is just as bad as the time when I almost got shot. The 3 guys had minimal anxiety problems as there weren't any obvious symptoms. There are those times where my anxiety is low enough to where I can talk somewhat but then I run into the problem of "wow this guy is boring doesn't he have any interesting things to talk about"? 

Pretty much everything those guys have gone through is familiar to me. Except I've actually approached a group of women to have them belittle me on two occasions and no I wasn't a jerk either time.

The hosts were studs. There were two reasons why they had so much success with the ladies. 1. They were good talkers 2. They were charismatic.

One thing I am learning, women love crazy guys. When I'm crazy I've had women want to take pictures with me and groups of women trying to talk to me. But why do I have to act crazy for them to show so much outward interest? Maybe it's because when I do crazy things my signs of SA disappear?


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Strength said:


> I really don't know what the "percentages" are of success, but if you're looking for a significant other you just need one to work. So what difference does it make if the success rate is high or low if you want a committed relationship with one person? It's like in baseball or soccer, most swings at the plate or shots on goal won't be successful, but you still go for it because of the chance that it could.


Yeah but when you're self-esteem isn't the highest to start with and your success rate is zero the more failed attempts you have the crappier you feel. It's like not trying is a self-defense mechanism to save whatever self worth you have left.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Carbon Breather said:


> BeNice said:
> 
> 
> > Well, this guy doesn't. But that's just me. My whole point is that most people meet members of the opposite sex through friends, work, school, etc. Not that approaching someone isn't going to lead to anything. Just from my perspective it's out of the question... for me.
> ...


I sometimes think this is best for us. If you can eliminate the desire and attempts you can push it out of your mind allowing you to spend time doing other things that you enjoy and succeed at there by making your life happier and healthier. I wish there was an over the counter supplement that reduced sexual attraction.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

scairy said:


> It's like not trying is a self-defense mechanism to save whatever self worth you have left.


Yeah I can understand that, I used to go through that very thing. I was a hermit and very closed off to people for almost a year for that very reason. You just have to logically talk yourself out of it. If you found out that today was the last day you would be alive, would you be satisfied with what you have done today? Would you be proud to know you gave it your best shot?


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Too bad I am unable to even have a basic conversation without wanting to faint or even throw up. It wouldn't matter how many girls I'd approach if I can't even talk to them!


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Carbon Breather said:


> BeNice said:
> 
> 
> > Well, this guy doesn't. But that's just me. My whole point is that most people meet members of the opposite sex through friends, work, school, etc. Not that approaching someone isn't going to lead to anything. Just from my perspective it's out of the question... for me.
> ...


I've hung around many of the opposite sex. You can lay me out whatever you want about "you have to love yourself before someone else" or "just be confident". It's all absurd to me. If I could get a camera on myself hanging around with others, it would explain. You can't just not say anything. You can't just be there. It's not acceptable, and it makes people uncomfortable. Most girls that I meet have absolutely no interest in me. It's so obvious. Nobody is too interested in me. I say unexpected things out of forcing myself to talk... that's me. I have nothing much to offer in social situations. I'm always open to them, it seems, but they always end up disappointing. I'm just wondering how long this lasts.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

BeNice - it would take some practice to get to know people and what they talk about. This can be done, but we have to do it with patience, self-discipline, self-tolerance/praise. :yes


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## Christian (Oct 5, 2006)

Someone had said that the guy was charismatic, and I think that's very true. Charisma is what happens when people have a "high" confidence about them. So when you talk to ANYONE you don't know that well (or if you wanna bring life into the conversation with someone you do know), you have to not care what the other person thinks. We are humans, and though we use language, most of our thoughts and feelings are communicated through the body. We watch people for clues as to what they're feeling, and we are informed of how they respond to us or others. So when you approach a stranger, they will, if they are natural and typical, seem surprised. This surprise can also be fearful. So what usually happens is, we pick up those signs subconsciously and all of our confidence disappears like a baloon popping. All of a sudden we want to escape because we think we are offending or attacking someone else. 

Somehow, the gurus in this video have trained themselves to disregard the signs of the strangers they approach. What also helps is the way they approach (relaxed, confident, light, no worries), which is another subconscious way of communicating to the other person: do not be afraid. In doing this, they are able to make the other person feel safe. If they do it wrong, like the project-guys did, the other person picks up on the nerves, the fear, the "heaviness," and everything else. When they sense this, they start to feel unsafe, which leads to rejection and a desire to escape, possible hostility, etc.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

I just wonder how many girls those 2 "gurus" approached before managing to have success with those 2 girls they showed in the video. It's possible they could've tried to previously get the phone numbers of many other women and bombed. But with the power of editing they could've made it look like they had success with the first women they approached. I'm not saying this is what happened, but I don't think nobody in the video made it clear that those 2 women were the first women the gurus approached. Also, you just never know in the land of television what is real and what is fake. I'm hoping this was not fake.

I just find it hard to believe that a complete stranger can go up to another complete stranger (whether it be a man approaching a woman or a woman approaching a man) and within minutes have a date set up/have their phone number. I just find it very odd for this to happen with 2 complete strangers. It would seem people would need to have at least SOME familiarity with each other. There is no way I can go up to a woman I've never seen before and start intimately talking to her. I give the guys in those videos all the credit in the world for having the guts to approach complete strangers and trying to get something going with them. I think by women watching these videos they can see how difficult it is for us guys.

Lifetimer


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

Lifetimer said:


> I just find it hard to believe that a complete stranger can go up to another complete stranger (whether it be a man approaching a woman or a woman approaching a man) and within minutes have a date set up/have their phone number.


If this were to happen to you, and a girl talked to you for a few minutes and you thought she was attractive, are you telling me you would not be okay with getting to know her better or setting up something for a later date?


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Strength said:


> Lifetimer said:
> 
> 
> > I just find it hard to believe that a complete stranger can go up to another complete stranger (whether it be a man approaching a woman or a woman approaching a man) and within minutes have a date set up/have their phone number.
> ...


Personally I'd be having a panic attack and want to get away from there as fast as possible.


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## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

Lifetimer said:


> I just find it hard to believe that a complete stranger can go up to another complete stranger (whether it be a man approaching a woman or a woman approaching a man) and within minutes have a date set up/have their phone number.
> 
> Lifetimer


I've done it before, several times - I was extremely nervous, but I did it. I willed myself to do it.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Strength said:


> Lifetimer said:
> 
> 
> > I just find it hard to believe that a complete stranger can go up to another complete stranger (whether it be a man approaching a woman or a woman approaching a man) and within minutes have a date set up/have their phone number.
> ...


I think the thought of hooking up with an attractive total stranger is something that "sounds" good and that we dream about, but in real life if it happens to us then it kind of freaks us out. I think the first reaction that we will think will be something like, "You're a stranger - I don't know you or anything about you!". I don't think it would matter how attractive the person is... I believe most people will still react this way. This is how I felt when about a month ago a girl (along with her friend) approached me at a restaurant. It felt really awkward and out of place for me, and because of that I blew the opportunity and didn't hook up with her in any way. Even though the girl was decently attractive my feeling inside was, "Who is this girl and why is she trying to get something going with me when she doesn't even know me?". If you want to read about the details of what happened that day then click this link: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/vie ... highlight=

Yes I will admit I regretted not at least giving her a chance - mainly because these kind of opportunities don't happen to me every day. However, as I said, it just felt odd to me to all of a sudden be possibly getting involved with a complete stranger and instantly having a conversation in regards with the possibility of having a date (even though we didn't get to that point, the possibilty was there... had I followed through).
Had I met her before and had familiarity with her then it would've been much easier to possibly get something going with her.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. :con

Lifetimer


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## Guest (Oct 16, 2006)

I have done a few of these "cold approaches." Never had any success, but its kinda fun and empowering to try them. I don't think it's a good way to meet people, but it'd be fun to do it with a friend and joke about it.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

We need to bring back the 60's...Even I might have a shot in the era of free sex and rock n roll lol.

Hey if you can approach that many woman...you dont have SA lets be honest.

My problem is probably not talking to woman, I dont faint or anything..my problem is being relaxed, social and friendly. I tend to talk to them like id talk to my boss..like a professional at work.

Girls want funny, charismatic guys....I cant do that..even though I can be funny when people get to know me.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Matt J said:


> My problem is probably not talking to woman, I dont faint or anything..my problem is being relaxed, social and friendly. I tend to talk to them like id talk to my boss..like a professional at work.
> 
> Girls want funny, charismatic guys....I cant do that..even though I can be funny when people get to know me.


Matt,

I hope you don't mind but I took your above quote and replied to it in the "Coping With Social Anxiety" section of this forum. I did this because I felt my reply had more to do with how SA stunts a person's psychological growth than it necessarily has to do with relationships. Here is the link to my reply to your quote:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/vie ... hp?t=54509

Lifetimer


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