# Do you think this forum is too obsessed with looks?



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I feel like recently it's become an even bigger point of discussion? What do you think?


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## nullptr (Sep 21, 2012)

I would agree, many blame their problems on their looks when in reality it's social problems.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I think given the nature of SA, the fact people are so self conscious about human interaction, how they are perceived by others and their frustrations with being unable to enter relationships as a result, it's understandable. Unfortunately I believe a lot of the time SA and our physical self perception go hand in hand.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

I like my personality and feel my ability to express it in real life is partially compromised by my looks. I would be much more confident if my looks were improved in some facets.

That said, the (few) posters who make daily threads on the same subject get a bit irritating.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I've found myself recently, because of all the threads here, becoming more self concious about my own appearance when before I thought I looked all right, not amazing but OK enough to live a decent life. So I'm making a concious effort now to try and rationalise everything on this subject I read.

It is a shame so many people on this forum have such low self esteem physically though (and in general too of course), but definitely to be expected with SA.


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## alenclaud (Mar 31, 2013)

Compared to other places I frequent on the interwebs, yes (in fact, there's a huge contrast in most cases). It's something I'd have to partly expect from an SA forum.


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## BadGirl (Jan 6, 2013)

Agreed


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## Bluestar29 (Oct 26, 2013)

Better to blame it on something ( looks, statues, wealth, ect) for our lack of attracting others. 

This is what seems to be the recurring theme among posters.


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## Parsnip (Sep 5, 2013)

To be fair I think the obsession with looks found in certain areas of SAS is no different to the obsession found in other large forums with a large number of single, frustrated individuals.

The only thing I've noticed here is that there appears to be a habit of pushing people to obsess, with very little actual support for those who are expressing some frankly disturbing fixations on their appearance. Which is understandable, but at times it feels very, very unhealthy with a just a whole load of people jostling to engage in mutual mental masturbation when it comes to confirming that they're forever doomed due to their appearance.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

i think its easier to be good looking because there isnt much work to be done. Its a lazy way to improve yourself without having to do the bigger work.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

karenw said:


> What I dont get is this appearance thing re clothing, who seriously gives two hoots what you wear on a night out. It's like how do you get dressed each day let alone at night, it's borderline attention seeking to me, you're not going to be liked for doing it at the end of the day. Everyone just gets bored of it surely.


There's a thread called what clothing are you wearing in general discussion right now that you made though 

I think everyone's guilty at some point but the attitude towards the subject on this forum is very unhealthy in my opinion.



Parsnip said:


> The only thing I've noticed here is that there appears to be a habit of pushing people to obsess, with very little actual support for those who are expressing some frankly disturbing fixations on their appearance. Which is understandable, but at times it feels very, very unhealthy with a just a whole load of people jostling to engage in mutual mental masturbation when it comes to confirming that they're forever doomed due to their appearance.


Yeah, I agree.


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## karenw (Aug 20, 2012)

I knew someone was going to say that, my thread title should read comfy clothing thread that was the intention. For those on this forum who let's say have severe low self esteem, lack of confidence etc etc it's doing them the world of good seeing the same old same old by the exact same posters each time. It's so obvious it's vanity, Bdd is a cop out for some, obviously reading between the lines of what they post on threads no assumptions made.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Persephone The Dread said:


> There's a thread called what clothing are you wearing in general discussion right now that you made though
> 
> *I think everyone's guilty at some point* but the attitude towards the subject on this forum is very unhealthy in my opinion.
> 
> Yeah, I agree.


Guilty of what? Guilty because they want to be good looking and successful? That would be inappropriate guilt imo


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

CopadoMexicano said:


> Guilty of what? Guilty because they want to be good looking and successful? That would be inappropriate guilt imo


guilty of being a bit vain, perhaps guilty wasn't the right word though. However, that was in regards to threads in general that discuss physical things in-depth. The people who have really severe issues with their looks on this forum obviously need help but sadly aren't getting it.

Yeah, sorry that post before didn't really make much sense now I read it back.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

Definitely.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

lisbeth said:


> Definitely.


Walk a mile in our shoes, I dare you.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

euphoria04 said:


> Walk a mile in our shoes, I dare you.


Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

lisbeth said:


> Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.


I'll believe it when I see it.


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## karenw (Aug 20, 2012)

What at 19, ummm, youve got alot to learn! Keep dreaming in your own bubble


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

euphoria04 said:


> I'll believe it when I see it.


Rude.

Yeah, I spent a long time being unattractive. i.e. it's only in the last year or two that any of my effort has started paying off at all. I've been on the receiving end of an awful lot of bullying, rejection and humiliation for my appearance over the years. I've had all of the negative experiences commonly described on these forums. I've only recently managed to overcome the deep-rooted insecurity and self-loathing that results in. So don't assume.


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## Putin (May 21, 2013)

Maybe. But what do you expect in a society that judges everyone by their superficial appearance?


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## LivingZombie (Oct 31, 2013)

Lisbeth is very sexy now, true. I saw her on Jenny Jones, from Geek to Chic. 

Euphoria is still trying to battle these negative behaviors... you just have to point it out to him and he will realize it though, he handles criticism better than most on here.

It honestly doesn't matter how good looking any of us are because we still have insecurities and a distorted perception of ourselves. The "beautiful people" on here are critical of themselves still, doesn't really matter that everyone else sees them differently.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

karenw said:


> What at 19, ummm, youve got alot to learn! Keep dreaming in your own bubble


Bit unnecessary.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

I battle them because they're real and every so often I'm reminded of how they impact my life. I spent months convincing myself that I was better looking than I gave myself credit for, then all it took was one external knock on my appearance and it all came crashing down.

And I don't believe someone goes from ugly to sexy in a year or two. There's a difference between simply not being attractive, and dressing modestly. If it were that easy, I would have long since made the lifestyle changes.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

euphoria04 said:


> I battle them because they're real and every so often I'm reminded of how they impact my life. I spent months convincing myself that I was better looking than I gave myself credit for, then all it took was one external knock on my appearance and it all came crashing down.
> 
> And I don't believe someone goes from ugly to sexy in a year or two. There's a difference between simply not being attractive, and dressing modestly. If it were that easy, I would have long since made the lifestyle changes.


The process took a lot longer than a year or two, but it's only in the last two years that I've felt I looked at all presentable and only in the last year that anyone's found me attractive. I've changed a lot. I shouldn't be expected to pull out old photos to prove it.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

lisbeth said:


> The process took a lot longer than a year or two, but it's only in the last two years that I've felt I looked at all presentable and only in the last year that anyone's found me attractive. I've changed a lot. I shouldn't be expected to pull out old photos to prove it.


What was the 'process'? Going to the gym? Because I would take being overweight over a weak facial bone structure any day. The former is eminently fixable, the latter not so much.

Anyways congrats on the change.


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## LivingZombie (Oct 31, 2013)

It really is easy. Behaviors aren't changed overnight, a habit can be formed in under a year though. If I did drugs everyday, I'd be an addict in a month (been there done that). I've been negative my whole life... and now that I realize it I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It might be the Wellbutrin, but it doesn't make me feel that different; I don't feel any stimulant effects anymore. I treated myself to some things this month, I'm focused on being positive and bettering myself; not just my appearance but my mind as well.

Think about how you can be better tomorrow than you were today. It's not too big of a goal. Just make small improvements each day. Keep advancing, don't look back. It seems like you just lulled yourself into a title you didn't feel you deserved, so it was pretty easy for someone to take it from you. It's okay to be realistic. SA makes people think lower of themself, not see themselves accurately. 

People call me ugly to my face sometimes, in my own house. I tell them, "**** you", but what I really want to do is make a scene and tell them to get the **** out and never come back. However, that's not the solution. I really believe the guy that called me ugly is intimidated by me. He pulled his ~34 year old sister from being alone with me; if I'm so ugly he wouldn't be concerned. Think about why they felt the need to say that about you. Think about what's wrong with them instead of what they say about you.

People that insult you are likely insecure as well, or just plain mean. When someone judges you or insults you, LOOK AT THE SOURCE. I've been telling myself this for years. I don't envy these people, I'm not jealous of them, I don't even like them. So why should anything they say bother me? It shouldn't. It bothers us because we dwell on it.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

euphoria04 said:


> What was the 'process'? Going to the gym? Because I would take being overweight over a weak facial bone structure any day. The former is eminently fixable, the latter not so much.
> 
> Anyways congrats on the change.


The gym thing is something I'm still working on.

Weight gain, using a hell of a lot of chemicals on my skin, cycling through at least three different hair colours and countless haircuts, threading my eyebrows, braces, bleaching my teeth... also I guess I grew into my face, but most of it was intentional. I really believe that everybody can improve their looks a lot. Each minor tweak doesn't make much of a difference, but together they make a lot of difference. I like Mr Bacon's thread on the topic.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I'm content with being mediocre in the physical looks department. What I can't get over is lacking personality and confidence in verbalization.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

Blaming everything on other people seems to be a recurring theme.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

Charmander said:


> Blaming everything on other people seems to be a recurring theme.


Seconded.


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## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

True dat


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

I think it's the age demographics of the site. If your biggest worry in life is how you look then you are doing all right. Work on the things you can improve and quit worrying about meeting everyone else's standard of what is attractive.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I think looks are obsessed with this websight.


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

What annoys me the most is its always the good looking ones here who seem to get invited out to parties on the weekend and stuff then come on here and sort of boast about how they were hit on and have had loads of sex oppurtunities. Im an ugly retarded looking cu** so this bothers me so much. My birthday is in just over a week and I cant do f*c* all because im an ugly **** and I have no friends.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Rich91 said:


> What annoys me the most is its always the good looking ones here who seem to get invited out to parties on the weekend and stuff then come on here and sort of boast about how they were hit on and have had loads of sex oppurtunities. Im an ugly retarded looking cu** so this bothers me so much. My birthday is in just over a week and I cant do f*c* all because im an ugly **** and I have no friends.


Have you thought about going to a concert/stage performance/comedy act/ the cinema, something you can do alone? I know it might seem depressing, but it's better than literally doing nothing on your birthday if you want to do something. Last year on my birthday I went for a walk with my brother. I'm not living the life I want to exactly either, and I'm not happy all the time, but you can sort of learn to appreciate smaller things and then gradually work towards bigger things.

It's definitely possible, I wish I could give more advice but I guess it just has to come from within somehow. I know what I'm talking about too because I had a very active social life at uni and then had to transition to living back with my parents, no friends in this town, and going out basically never most of the year. I've been actively forcing myself out of the house on occasion this past month though, when you get used to doing stuff alone it can be quite fun in it's own way.

Also if you go to concerts sometimes you can talk to people in the crowd and stuff, like I did last time. I didn't have long conversations or anything they were all very small, but you know, little steps.

To be honest, your looks really shouldn't be inhibiting your ability to make friends.


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## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

This forum is just a Mirror on society as a whole. The media plays up looks considerably. Look at magazines and TV. The world is obsessed with appearance when it should not be. I think this is where the issue lies, SA just brings an added layer to it.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

As surprising as my answer might sound, I don't think this forum is obsessed with looks.

There is a tendency to post more threads around the topic of looks, sure. For instance, the growing frequency of "do I look ugly" picture threads.

However, I believe the controversial theories surrounding the importance of physical attractiveness are mainly being pushed by a few select "militants." Their threads tend to involve gender wars or heated debates, and the drama steers plenty of curious eyes towards them. In other words, we're feeding them what they seek - *attention*.

If I was a member of some sort of SAS peace regulation board, I would advocate a boycott policy to remedy to this problem!

*On a side note, the misinformation/hate directed against the female gender on the frustration boards is disturbing me more than the 'looks endemic.'*

My, god... I've just written this post like some sort of official recommendation to the IMF. That's when I know it's time to get off the keyboard and get back to real life :lol


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## tieffers (Jan 26, 2013)

It would really seem so, but since self-image issues are practically comorbid with SA, discussions about BDD, self-esteem, and self-image are very appropriate here.

it's like yes brain I would life a heaping of self-loathing and real/unreal ugliness with this social anxiety you've graced me with thank you so much.


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## Sinatra (Mar 13, 2013)

Our society is and that in turn cause this forum to be as well.


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## InimitableJeeves (Aug 27, 2012)

Sinatra said:


> Our society is and that in turn cause this forum to be as well.


This is true.



euphoria04 said:


> And I don't believe someone goes from ugly to sexy in a year or two.


That's a good point.


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## Mlochail (Jul 11, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I've found myself recently, because of all the threads here, becoming more self concious about my own appearance when before I thought I looked all right, not amazing but OK enough to live a decent life. So I'm making a concious effort now to try and rationalise everything on this subject I read.
> 
> It is a shame so many people on this forum have such low self esteem physically though (and in general too of course), but definitely to be expected with SA.


Didn't you get a lot of compliments on your hair and stuff?... What did you do what those? Eat them?


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## Raphael200 (Aug 18, 2012)

I say!Indeed!


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Have you thought about going to a concert/stage performance/comedy act/ the cinema, something you can do alone? I know it might seem depressing, but it's better than literally doing nothing on your birthday if you want to do something. Last year on my birthday I went for a walk with my brother. I'm not living the life I want to exactly either, and I'm not happy all the time, but you can sort of learn to appreciate smaller things and then gradually work towards bigger things.
> 
> It's definitely possible, I wish I could give more advice but I guess it just has to come from within somehow. I know what I'm talking about too because I had a very active social life at uni and then had to transition to living back with my parents, no friends in this town, and going out basically never most of the year. I've been actively forcing myself out of the house on occasion this past month though, when you get used to doing stuff alone it can be quite fun in it's own way.
> 
> ...


I couldn't go to the cinema on my own, I'd be too ashamed.

as for making friends, I wont make any now as its too late, everyone has there social circle set now. Im so down about that as im gonna miss out on life now.


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## hughjames95 (Sep 21, 2013)

Almost everyone on here is somewhat concerned about their appearance, hell even those without SA are concerned about their looks too. It's human Nature.


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## Occasional Hope (Dec 9, 2012)

I think on most forums which aren't focussed on particular issues like SA there will be a more healthy balance of attitudes towards topics like these from posters. The negative posts concerning looks will be balanced out by the positive ones. Here, however, most of us are very self-critical and so the balance will naturally tend towards negative attitudes. The idea I guess is that we have to learn to notice when we're simply feeding these negative attitudes rather than actually trying to change them or, if that's not possible, to find a way to deal with the realities of our situation and determine what we can realistically do to improve it. (Easier said than done to be honest and I'll probably forget my own advice within a few hours :b)

It's hard not to get caught into a vicious circle of negative thoughts regarding your looks when society at the moment seems to have an overwhelming desire for physical perfection rather than a variety; everything is becoming standardized to within an inch of its life, even what is considered beautiful.

I don't believe the main cause of my SA is my attitude towards my looks but it does get bad sometimes, especially after reading frustration threads about how looks will always leave us at a disadvantage (I try to avoid them but sometimes the temptation is too strong :b). What normally helps me is to look at photos of celebrities which haven't been touched up. It helps to remind me that the perfect standards set by the magazines are pretty much unreachable, even for those who are considered the most beautiful and handsome in society. It is also interesting to me when I notice that some of the 'imperfections' that have been removed by the touch-up are actually physical characteristics that I personally find attractive.


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## Heartbreaker (Sep 2, 2013)

Definitely, half of these forums' post consist of angry rants about their gene pools...


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Mlochail said:


> Didn't you get a lot of compliments on your hair and stuff?... What did you do what those? Eat them?


Yeah I appreciate that some people like my weird hair colours but it is just that - my hair. Which can be changed in fact tge one time a while ago when I posted just my face and crappy hair I got no basically no comments  I think that shows how big a difference little things can make I guess...But that really is not the point either way. There's a lot of people who post a disturbing amount about how they are doomed, clearly that is not true. If you're.in isolation most of the time it's easy to compare yourself to others and ruminate on things.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Rich91 said:


> I couldn't go to the cinema on my own, I'd be too ashamed.
> 
> as for making friends, I wont make any now as its too late, everyone has there social circle set now. Im so down about that as im gonna miss out on life now.


If this is a.problem you feel you can't overcome you should move town because no one will expect you to know anyone, trust me the social circles are never fully set if you can slowly learn to adopt the right attitude.

As for the cinema, a lot of people go alone. It's no big deal and no one will care that you can't talk while you are watching anyway.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Agree with Charmander and Mr.Bacon, especially on what he said about the vitriol aimed at women. I'm on my phone and can't be bothered to quote and edit. But I agree with them.


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## Mlochail (Jul 11, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Yeah I appreciate that some people like my weird hair colours but it is just that - my hair. Which can be changed in fact tge one time a while ago when I posted just my face and crappy hair I got no basically no comments  I think that shows how big a difference little things can make I guess...But that really is not the point either way. There's a lot of people who post a disturbing amount about how they are doomed, clearly that is not true.


Hmm. I see. Little things can indeed contribute to great changes. 
Want someone to tell you you look attractive? Well, you _do_ look attractive. You also have friendly looking eyes combined with fair pale skin. Which make you look rather approachable. It might also give one the first impression bias of you having a sweet persona.

How about that? :wink


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> If this is a.problem you feel you can't overcome you should move town because no one will expect you to know anyone, trust me the social circles are never fully set if you can slowly learn to adopt the right attitude.
> 
> As for the cinema, a lot of people go alone. It's no big deal and no one will care that you can't talk while you are watching anyway.


Thats my only hope then, to move to a new town or city. I dont know, I just feel as if thats it now.


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## Reckoner7 (Jan 29, 2007)

This forum is obsessed with alot of things not just looks. Due to the nature of SA, sufferers will hook into their own looks as a reason for feeling left out, rejected etc. The main problem however is the jealousy and resentment of others when others post their pics. Its always easy to take out our resentment and hatred onto others unfortunately. If you have insecurities about how you look, for some they may have negative feelings towards someone who they feel is attractive and looks as good as you may want to be themselves.


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## Subject 1 (Oct 30, 2013)

I voted yes.

I believe feeling attractive is important to everyone.
In my opinion If no one desires you physically, you are going to feel ugly.

Confirmation of being physically attractive can be in many forms.

In these forums we see it by how another poster responds to a photo of another person or how attentive they are to responding to you by visitor messages and private messages.

When people do not get these confirmations in life, they do think of themselves as ugly, unwanted and rightfully resentful.

I do not hold anything against people who are hurting because of the lack of positive response from people about their appearance.

However.
I feel I have no right to patronize these people.
Especially the people who have people implying they are attractive themselves.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Personality, humour, and intelligence (again) are what matters most on these forums. The beautiful people who lack these other three qualities will sink and bust, and only attract the attention of shallow, deceiving people.


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## Mlochail (Jul 11, 2012)

estse said:


> Personality, humour, and intelligence (again) are what matters most on these forums. The beautiful people who lack these other three qualities will sink and bust, and only attract the attention of shallow, deceiving people.


You know you're fcked when you only have 0.5 of those 3.


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I feel like recently it's become an even bigger point of discussion? What do you think?


I think people are googling 'ugly' and SAS comes up. :blank


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

No more so than anyone else.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

estse said:


> Personality, humour, and intelligence (again) are what matters most on these forums. The beautiful people who lack these other three qualities will sink and bust, and only attract the attention of shallow, deceiving people.


True. Hey why the name change? I changed mine too.

What if you dont fit on the internet or in real life? :um


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## cybernaut (Jul 30, 2010)

Yes. Many people also seem to have SEVERELY unrealistic expectations on this site.


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

i'm too ugly to be obsessed with looks


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

CopadoMexicano said:


> True. Hey why the name change? I changed mine too.
> 
> What if you dont fit on the internet or in real life? :um


To vainly unaccept who I was. M was a tattoo on my heart, and I was bleeding profusely.

And if you don't fit in, you'll be sunk by your tits and/or balls - whichever are larger and anti-boyant.

Again, I've ****ed up all over the place.


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## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

I don't know, I think so. This forum has made me more self-conscious of my looks, adopting the self-piteous attitude toward the "I'm so ugly, strange, weird-looking, something's wrong with my face, I got hit with the ugly stick." Yeah, I have those thoughts since I wasn't blessed with a pretty face. I'm pretty plain-looking for example, though I'm sure I'd look better with a smile and bright eyes. And smiling isn't exactly a facial structure, if you get what I mean. : P


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## HopefulDreamer (Feb 26, 2012)

Everyone has SA for different reasons. Some people developed it from being bullied about their looks. A lot of the "Am I ugly?" threads I think are just for attention because those people feel self-conscious because of their SA. However, there are others that wouldn't have developed SA if they hadn't been bullied so much about whatever flaw they're talking about. A lot of the time, if someone posts a picture it's because people will respond with: "Pics or you're not ugly."


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

ratherunique11 said:


> Yes. Many people also seem to have SEVERELY unrealistic expectations on this site.


Once I told some guy that he probably couldn't date a supermodel if he didn't have a job and he claimed that I looked like a man. Untrue, but I was just glad he didn't call me fat.
If you're looking for positivity on the internet try cuteoverload.com instead. :b


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