# Girlfriend does NOT think im hot...should I be disappointed?



## dman93

We've been dating for 6 months now. Thought we were both very attracted to eachother. We talked about random stuff yesterday. The topic came up and she said "honestly, i like you, but i dont think youre hot or sexy". I was at loss for words. The entire time i thought she was attracted to me. I dont really look at her the same anymore. That kinda hurt (although i know she didnt mean to, was just being honest with me). 

I think shes hot/sexy, she doesnt think im hot/sexy. ??? 

I just dont know if I can see her the same way if the feeling isnt mutual. Wondering if I should end it

P.S we had sex many times with no problem...


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## Moxi

I'd take it contextually, I guess. I can name people I'd be happy to have sex with who aren't conventionally hot or sexy, but I consider them attractive due to other factors.

I don't know, sometimes people settle for what they don't really like. I don't know your relationship or your girlfriend, though.


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## dman93

Moxi said:


> I'd take it contextually, I guess. I can name people I'd be happy to have sex with who aren't conventionally hot or sexy, but I consider them attractive due to other factors.
> 
> I don't know, sometimes people settle for what they don't really like. I don't know your relationship or your girlfriend, though.


She has said im very cute, etc etc. but still not hot or sexy?? So if a hot or sexy guy were to approach her, she would say "leave. i have a bf"...??? Give me a break.


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## Moxi

dman93 said:


> She has said im very cute, etc etc. but still not hot or sexy?? So if a hot or sexy guy were to approach her, she would say "leave. i have a bf"...??? Give me a break.


I would assume so. Women don't function like men tend to think they do, where they'll sell to the "highest bidder". Women don't even agree with men on what that would be.

If she chose you and calls you cute, she thinks you look plenty attractive and wants what you have over what some stranger with bigger muscles and a few extra inches of height has.

Totally fine to think it's weird that your girlfriend would say that, by the way, just think you're thinking about women wrong.


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## a degree of freedom

I guess I share @Moxi's reservations ... though hopefully she in particular finds you attractive on the whole. I'm not sure I know how to have a relationship where there isn't mutual attraction _on the whole_, because I don't know that romance is possible without that. Maybe it just wasn't the best choice of wording on her part ... no idea.


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## SFC01

its a bit weird to say that to your other half - dont know what to think of it really.

Obviously she would be bull****ting if she said your were the hottest guy on the planet but to come out with that is a bit strange and would make me think differently as well.

I`ve always felt my girlfriends were hot and sexy to me, although they all could have done with some work 

I would never ask a partner that question about me though, coz I think I know what answer I would get !!


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## nubly

Does she say offensive things without thinking about what she's saying? Thats not something you say to your partner.


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## millenniumman75

I'd flat out ask her about it.


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## crimeclub

That's one of those things you file away in the "Do not ever say this to my partner." file.

Just try not to let yourself get insecure about it, especially during your intimate moments, the insecurity itself can turn into a whole other even worse problem. If she's overall attracted to you enough to be with you for 6 months and also have sex regularly, and if you can keep any potential insecurity in check then I don't see why the relationship should end. There are LOTS of relationships out there where one or both people aren't physically attracted to each other and it doesn't seem to affect the relationship much.


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## daretobelieve

Ask her if everything between you two is okey. For some it might be a red flag. Maybe she's giving a sign that she has gotten a bit bored with you. It hurts but somehow break ups happen.


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## Twilightforce

Damn she's probably thinking of someone else everytime then .


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## The Library of Emma

Even if someone isn't immediately attractive, it's been scientifically suggested (some would say proven) that if you think highly of a person or love them, they really do look better to you. The fact that she doesn't think of you this way might say more about the way she regards you than your appearance alone, and that needs to be discussed.


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## SofaKing

Be concerned, honestly. 

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## SwtSurrender

Dump her yo. And also tell her the same thing she told you. The worst you can do is cheat on her, but hey maybe she's also cheating on you since she told it to your face that you don't arouse her *****. Hey sex is sex, works well when she's thinking about someone else ey? Scare her, ask her if she wants to break up. I always used to ask bfs if they wanted to break up and it would annoy them, but I was asking and letting them know they can find better women. She might leave you.


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## sad1231234

Thats good, now you know she's attracted to your personality, and not your appearance. And she's being honest too which is good. I mean do you want someone who only gives a damn about you because you're tall and handsome and have big muscles, or do you want someone who loves you for the real you?


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## SFC01

sad1231234 said:


> Thats good, now you know she's attracted to your personality, and not your appearance. And she's being honest too which is good.


Would you not want your other half to think you''re hot and sexy, at least a bit ?

Fair enough if its been a long relationship but this is at 6 months in.

If it was me, I would have to clarify with her first before doing anything else.


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## Worried Cat Milf

I felt my feelings get hurt when I read this. She may really not have meant much by it, but still, how do you say that to your partner? If I'm dating someone, in my eyes, that person is the goddamn sexiest thing I've ever seen

Sent from the future


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## Rainy Cakes

Well its not like she doesn't love you. Without sounding like an ******* here, not everyone can be sexy. Its like another term beyond cute. If that makes sense.
I dunno. Stop thinking into it, if you're on a site like this the chances of you being that are slim, aha.


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## Karsten

Yeah, I'd be pretty disappointed. Thats just not something you tell your partner, ever. EVER.

You can be the judge of what she meant by it, but the main issue is whether its going to affect the way you feel about yourself. Things like that can make you insecure and thats practically the death of any relationship.


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## Persephone The Dread

Wonder why she said that to you. If I had to guess, I'd assume she's ambivalent and can't decide if she wants to break up with you or not so she's trying to get you to make the decision for her, or become more attractive to her (but surely she's not that simple minded... To think that's likely...)

I mean I don't want to project but who wants to date someone who they don't find sexy? What's the point? Especially if she's young, seems odd to me.

There is one possible alternative, and that's that she has a very fixed narrow definition of hot/sexy based on what society thinks, that she doesn't personally subscribe to. And when she calls you cute, cute does it for her more than 'hot/sexy.' I mean if you google hot/sexy I'm not even going to bother, I'm sure most of those guys that pop up do **** all for me. Still it's odd to not use it for the emotional reaction and as some kind of fixed category instead, and the fact she told you that is weird either way.


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## Reset Button

She might not like you thinking you're sexy or hot. Maybe she's seen a girl checking you out or she's seen you checking a girl out. Could just be jealousy on her part.


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## Lohikaarme

Wow, that's... blunt. If I had to guess I'd say she probably meant she still likes you, just not in the conventional/standard way of finding you "hot" physically. Obviously, if you've had sex many times there must be other things that draw her to you 
I wouldn't stress it further. If you break up someday, eh what can you do? At least you were honest with each other.


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## SparklingWater

Hmm from the 93 in your username I'll assume she's a bit on the young side and perhaps may get pass on lack of tact or relationship experience even though that's really pushing it. You basically can't have a relationship if you don't consider what you say to your partner. If this is a one off thing let it go. If she consistently says ****ty thoughtless things give the relationship some thought.


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## Malek

Sounds like she's purposely planting the seeds for a way out of the relationship, so that it starts to slowly end and she can date other more "attractive" men. 

People are very good at manipulating other by subtle comments like that. They play it off as playful banter, yet in the end it always has the intended affect they were aiming for.

Time will tell.

Perhaps you should of bluntly retorted that without makeup, she wasn't so easy on the eyes herself? 

Maybe that blunt/rough yet honest personality is what is so appealing you?

Most girls white lied to me, claiming they found me attractive while they were secretly chatting up and/or getting pounded by other guys, some of my friends---ex friends, lol so I don't really know, maybe honesty is good??

I suppose from a female perspective, or anyone really, it's a double-edged sword, either the person you're dating, you don't find as attractive, cute maybe, but not hot, like not top of the list, so they can either white lie, keep that info to themselves, to spare feelings, or they can be bluntly honest and stir up abit ole drama, either way, the other person loses.

Ideally you would want to be with a person you deem attractive, and you're genuinely honest and upfront about that---otherwise people would settle more often---physically speaking---newsflash, in the real world, they sadly don't. Thems the breaks, can't really sugarcoat a harsh reality with honeyed words and wishful thinking.

There are obviously other qualities that will makeup in a partner, their entertaining personality, charisma, humor, whatever it may be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder though, true, so her perception of handsome isn't necessarily the same as another women's true---however, she clearly stated, matter o' factly that she deems other men are more attractive than you, physically. 

Why? What would be the point?--To hurt your feelings?-- Plant drama, or sabotage the relationship due to boredom?---Who knows? Only she.

You could confront her about it sure, yet that honestly sounds like a downward spiral and just isn't a good idea. If it's just that one instance, and she proves by her actions that she can be a loyal and loving girlfriend, there isn't really a logical reason to fall into that drama trap. 




.... If we go by fantasy standards, celebrities, models, photoshop and movie magic---are average people really that hot anyways? Girls without makeup and guys without muscles, are they hot? It all depends on an individuals standards of attractiveness.

In the end, we all age, wither, and die like ugly old prunes---hopefully, so in the end, what the hell does it matter? In a perfect world, ideal partners would love each other based purely on each others "souls" or whatever the hell you wanna call it, consciousness.

This statement sounds like it's usually reserved for couples or old couples that have been together for far too long..

Six months in?---Hmm.


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## Neal

Thats definitely not a good sign unless we're taking this waaaay out of context. To me thats like the equivalent of a guy telling a woman "we're just chillin".


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## Vanishing Dreams

If you think attraction as only to do with physical, then you need to grow up. In general guys cares more about having a "hot" gf than girls care about having a "hot" bf. My sister never thought her ex husband was physically that attractive (they divorce out of things that has nothing to do with looks).


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## SFC01

Vanishing Dreams said:


> If you think attraction as only to do with physical, then you need to grow up. In general guys cares more about having a "hot" gf than girls care about having a "hot" bf. My sister never thought her ex husband was physically that attractive (they divorce out of things that has nothing to do with looks).


Do you have a partner ?

@*dman93* , give us an update then ?


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## Vanishing Dreams

SFC01 said:


> Do you have a partner ?
> 
> @*dman93* , give us an update then ?


currently, nope.


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## michaelthedepressedmess

That's really insensitive and honestly if my SO said that to me in any serious context I would probably leave them. Not for the fact if that's really true or not but for the fact that they were being that insensitive. Even if I thought my significant other was unattractive I would never tell them because that's hurtful and she had to know it would hurt you. She sounds like a **** if I'm being honest. Respect yourself my dude and don't ever let anybody talk to you like that.


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## Neal

Vanishing Dreams said:


> If you think attraction as only to do with physical, then you need to grow up. In general guys cares more about having a "hot" gf than girls care about having a "hot" bf. My sister never thought her ex husband was physically that attractive (they divorce out of things that has nothing to do with looks).


I dunno... That sounds like a strange thing to say. Strange thing indeed.

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## Vanishing Dreams

Neal said:


> I dunno... That sounds like a strange thing to say. Strange thing indeed.
> 
> Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk


Well I'm sure it's not fun to hear, but I don't think I could lie to my partner if she asked me that and I didn't think she was hot. Personally I wouldn't care all that much if my partner told me that, but then again it never happen to me. I would hope she find me normal, decent and/or passable at the very least.


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## Neal

Vanishing Dreams said:


> Well I'm sure it's not fun to hear, but I don't think I could lie to my partner if she asked me that and I didn't think she was hot. Personally I wouldn't care all that much if my partner told me that, but then again it never happen to me. I would hope she find me normal, decent and/or passable at the very least.


Well I mean, it would work in your case, but that's not what he wanted nor expected to hear. And as a result he is already looking at her differently and the relationship might sour. Either she doesn't know him well or doesn't care. Because after a while you know who you need to treat gently and who you can be blunt or crude with. I wish there was more context because I feel like we're not getting the whole story.

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## roxslide

I mean, I guess at least you know she's an honest person if she has the balls to say that to your face.

Idk, I would ask her about it. Let her know you felt hurt by that comment and want to give her a chance to clarify if she feels like you misunderstood. I think everyone's priorities are different. I think some people are able to put stuff like that on the back burner if the person has other qualities they find desirable, like personality, chemistry with each other, even money honestly.

I have been called cute though and told by people that I don't seem sexy at all though. I think there's different types of attractiveness that people prefer, maybe that's what she meant? 

However if she keeps on saying things like that that make you feel like garbage, then break up with her immediately.


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## Persephone The Dread

Malek said:


> Sounds like she's purposely planting the seeds for a way out of the relationship, so that it starts to slowly end and she can date other more "attractive" men.
> 
> People are very good at manipulating other by subtle comments like that. They play it off as playful banter, yet in the end it always has the intended affect they were aiming for.
> 
> Time will tell.





Neal said:


> Thats definitely not a good sign unless we're taking this waaaay out of context. To me thats like the equivalent of a guy telling a woman "we're just chillin".


Yeah, that's what I thought.


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## truant

Kind of tactless to say, but I don't think it _necessarily_ spells doom and gloom. I don't think any of my partners thought I was physically attractive enough to call "cute" let alone "hot". None of them ever said anything about my appearance at all. Tbh, I would have assumed they were lying to make me feel better if they had. Those relationships still lasted 5-10 years.

People don't have to find you "hot" to want to be in a relationship with you. I guess it's a blow to the ego to hear it spelled out, though, and I'm not saying it's cool and you shouldn't be upset about it. Ideally they would be, and if you have to be hot to your partner to be in a relationship with them that could be a real problem. I know I'm not attractive so it's just never been a condition for me. I wouldn't be able to date if it was. I just try to make up for my physical limitations in other ways.


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## dman93

realisticandhopeful said:


> Hmm from the 93 in your username I'll assume she's a bit on the young side and perhaps may get pass on lack of tact or relationship experience even though that's really pushing it. You basically can't have a relationship if you don't consider what you say to your partner. If this is a one off thing let it go. If she consistently says ****ty thoughtless things give the relationship some thought.


No shes not young. Im 22, shes 30, if that helps at all


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## dman93

SFC01 said:


> Do you have a partner ?
> 
> @*dman93* , give us an update then ?


Okay we are still together. She did clarify that she is physically attracted to me. But her definition of sexy/hot is different than how others would define it. Idk what to think..


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## 2Milk

Some people are just meant to be cute. I saw this girl the other day, she was beautiful and adorable. I wouldn't consider her "hot" but would still wife her up, she was super cute. It also has a lot to do with your personality. If a good looking dude acts like a bad boy most people will think he's hot, if he acts sheepish and shy most people will see him as cute.


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## steamylenses

Sorry, but what a b****.
I would leave her? You don't say this, ever. The person you are with does not always have to be attractive at first - but you learn to find them attractive if you truly love them. And then you find them extremely sexy and hot...But what is sexy and hot anyway? Reading this really makes me angry, as I cannot stand shallow people. 
If she doesn't think you are hot, why is she sleeping with you? Have you asked her?
How old is she? She sounds very immature.
Well, life will teach her....And you deserve better.


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## Tunesimah

I honestly wouldn't care if someone made a comment like that... but it really depends on the context and her demeanor. It is intriguing that she was so forward with saying this... maybe this was in reference to a celebrity or something... 

Physical attraction isn't that important to me though, and I'd imagine anyone I was with would feel similarly... Of course my ideal relationship is two disembodied brains in a jar... so sexy...


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## Mr Bacon

As long as she's still taking care of your needs, and doing her part inside this relationship... I wouldn't be bothered. 

There could be tons of interpretations for why she said that. Why bother projecting all the scenarios in your head and getting all paranoid?


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## Dev Diggs

It's like as if you told her that you really like her but you think her tits are small and her *** is huge. How would she feel then? Why doesn't she think about that before she opens her mouth?

Anyway, you're not compelled to date women with zero EQ.


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## SorryForMyEnglish

Wait, wait, wait. You all say that it's horrible she said this and that's something you never *say* to your partner. So do I understand this correctly, you'd be ok with that as long as it's not said out of politeness and sensitivity or ''EQ'' (speaking of which you're not compelled dating *men* with zero of it too, sisters), but if it's there, in your partner's mind and if that's what they really think but don't say? You can live with that and feel fine with them in that case? You're ok with being lied to like that? If you do then it's just a psychological defense then because it's the same thing and the only difference is if it's said or not. I personally would rather prefer it to be said to me cause it's honest.

Speaking of which, lots of men watch porn and pictures of women that they secretly or not so secretly consider super duper ''hot'' while being in a relationship (some even flirt with other women or purchase cam girls and some go to prostitutes and still consider it ok and an exception to the rule). How is that not the same thing to you? Their girlfriends/wives can only be fine with it if they compartmentalize it which they do and so do their partners who do these things.


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## andy1984

sounds like something I would say. I'm an idiot. dont say that!

now that the cat is out of the bag... I guess I would tell her how you feel. give her a chance to mitigate the effects etc. im sure theres a bag full of positive things she can say to counter your thoughts.

and then beyond that, you cant control how people act or think or feel. some people are weird and can love you 100% and say these things. maybe feeling too secure to say anything at all. sometimes you have to do most of the work yourself to let something go or endure the feelings when they happen.


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## SorryForMyEnglish

andy1984 said:


> sounds like something I would say. I'm an idiot. dont say that!
> 
> now that the cat is out of the bag... I guess I would tell her how you feel. give her a chance to mitigate the effects etc. im sure theres a bag full of positive things she can say to counter your thoughts.
> 
> and then beyond that, you cant control how people act or think or feel. some people are weird and can love you 100% and say these things. maybe feeling too secure to say anything at all. sometimes you have to do most of the work yourself to let something go or endure the feelings when they happen.


It's from 2017... :grin2: It just bothers me too so I posted here today.


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## andy1984

SorryForMyEnglish said:


> It's from 2017... :grin2: It just bothers me too so I posted here today.


oh lol. oops. you're a powerful necromancer.


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