# I'm so lonely and its my fault



## Megannnn (Feb 19, 2014)

I really only have two close friends. One of them I feel like I cannot get overly personal with and the other is too self obsessed with her own problems sometimes I'll be on the phone with her for hours while she complains about her "boy problems" and as soon as I bring up the fact that I feel lonely and that no one really gets what I'm talking about she'll say "I'm youre friend?" and then come up with an excuse to get off the phone. I've been relying on her for so long that now that shes making more friends and going out constantly she's completely forgotten about me, and thats when I realized exactly how weirdly lonely I feel. I always try and give people more than what they expect, whether it comes to birthdays (I'll try and surprise my friends by getting them copious amounts of gifts- just because I love how it feels to surprise someone) or running to their house with chips and cake if theyre feeling down, no one before has ever done anything for me (with the exception of one person who wrote me a letter on my birthday, which I promptly started crying over because of how significant it felt). The small friendships I make besides these always end because people realize how boring I am. The last two guys I liked cut me off completely after a certain amount of time, and I feel as if I hadn't done anything to them. Thats what bothers me the most, that theres just something about me thats bothers people enough to end friendships abruptly with me. Having anxiety makes it so much worse too because lately I've been relying on concerta and ativan to balance out my moods constantly (I stopped taking antidepressants because they werent doing anything for me) Just lately it feels like I'm the only one not getting anywhere in life. One of my friends has a boyfriend (And also has guys constantly throwing themselves at her because shes so pretty) and the other has a job now and goes to parties with strangers and since I relied on them for so long as my only source of people to be social with, now I just feel alone. Nothing has changed for me, I'm stuck in this rut while everyone else is continuing with their lives and experiencing things, I'm just doing what I always do, nothing has changed. My anxiety makes it almost impossible for me to make friends, but even then, I find it incredibly hard to connect with anybody for some reason. Is there anybody here whos dealt with feeling alone and has somehow overcome that?


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## chaosherz (May 15, 2011)

Sorry I didn't read that except the first and last lines. But I can say I am in the same position. I have about 2 friends who I see maybe once a month each, so I don't even know if you can call them friends. I am always lonely but it is my own fault too. I pushed away everyone I ever met in life, too shy to pursue or maintain friendships because of my SA. And now here I am, sitting alone at home like I do every night, wishing I could go out with someone and just live a semblance of a normal life...


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## yeswedreamaboutyoufloyd (Nov 2, 2015)

@Megannnn I feel the same and I know hot it feels to be and to feel alone, and not to be able to go out there and find someone to count with. It's been almost 7 years without a real friend, and I just don't care anymore, you know? I'm like, "Oh, seven years without a friend? I'll never find someone to be friends with. So, what the hell do I still bother myself with that?". But sometimes I feel really, but really, really sad and alone that I wish I had someone just to talk with. I just carry on with my life, doing whatever I need to do on daily basis and hoping that someday I will have a friend or just someone to talk, to laugh with, to care about.
@chaosherz I think it's kind of my fault too. Mainly because I don't put myself out there, but it's because I can't, because of my social phobia/anxiety. It's not because I don't want to. But I have to carry on with my life. And like I said to Megannnn, I hope one day I find someone to be friends with, but someone that really care about me, not someone false.


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## yeswedreamaboutyoufloyd (Nov 2, 2015)

Why the hell * Sorry for the mistakes.


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## xennon (Nov 17, 2015)

Well at least you have two friends I just have my boyfriend. I understand you completely though just made a post about this too. I just don't know how to get close to people but I have had a "friend" like yours once that didn't really care and I ended up doing dumb terrible things with her just because I wanted her company. So yea don't force it with the wrong people. Now making good wholesome friends I don't quite understand how to do myself yet but I cann say not everyone is worth being friends with.


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