# When people won't leave you alone



## saa (Apr 22, 2014)

Hi all

I've had my ups and downs with Social anxiety over the past 17 years. It would get slightly better when I am in a good place professionally/personally and worsens a great deal when I am not.. 

My anxiety is special in that I didn't dread being around people when it first started, on the contrary, I had always been a pretty social person, but I would get this extreme fear of people's looks/stares. With time however, it's gotten to a point where I would avoid them or avoid eye contact just so I don't offend them. 

This attitude has been drawing me a lot of hostility. A lot more than any normal person can handle.. This symptom is apparently called hypervigilance and it's often associated with PTSD. In my case, it happens at the eyes' level. I often can't focus my eyes in one direction while having a conversation while there are people around (always checking) and always on guard as though there is some danger coming my way. Quite a few people find this attitude and the fear in my eyes offensive (go figure)! Not knowing why and not understanding enough about it, I guess some of them take it personally and become very hostile to me! (like I don't have enough to worry about already)

The past 3 years have been particularly tough. So tough on me, I've decided to withdraw myself from my normal environment just to get a little of my sanity back (I have the luxury of being able to work remotely). So I've decided to travel while practicing Dr. Richards CBT tapes until I get a little better. I had tried medication in the past and psychoanalysis, but without any notable progress, so I am hoping I'll be able to bury this thing once and for all by following through with CBT.

Anyways, I am in Spain now where I share an office with a few local guys/gals. A couple of them don't particularly like my hypervigilance, and though I try to be as friendly to them as I can to convey the message that I mean no harm, it's not working. Three times already I've been asked when I was leaving out of nowhere! I'd be talking to them about something different and they would bring it up... Way to make a foreigner welcome!

The trouble is that each time they ask I fail to stand my ground and get back at them with a reaction like "WTF is it to you?", and instead I play along pretending I didn't get it or that they are just being friendly. Partly because of the power/energy that this anxiety drains from me and the frigging anxiety that kicks in when I am in the middle of the conversation, and also because of my good nature and the fact that I don't like confrontation. 

Not sure anyone here had similar experiences or gotten over one of these situations, but I find it particularly difficult to do "come backs" and be assertive while anxious... extremely frustrating that I can't get back at bullies and shut them down like they deserve.

Any experiences with visual hypervigilance and how you were able to curb it/get over it are also welcome.

Thank you!


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