# Can't connect with people



## Keeppushin (Sep 5, 2011)

I have this "problem" with connecting with people and it is by far the most frustrating element in my SA. I am normally very quiet, and when I do speak what I say is boring, and I speak with absolutely no emotion or enthusiasum . It's not that I am really afraid to say whats on my mind... I just have nothing to say. The biggest part of this is when I talk to people (stangers, co-workers, etc..) EVERY conversation is awkward. Like I put out some kind of weird vibe? I try to focus on the conversation and what is being said but by the end I can totally read that this person feels extremely awkward/almost intimidated by me? WTF?! I seriously feel like they can read my mind and see that I am thinking about whatever the hell it is i'm thinking about! So I have tried resorting to just smiling, laughing at what they say, trying to be this total nice guy when i'm not! I mean i'm nice but not that damn nice! And that technique does not work at all btw, helps but thats it. Anyone else have this issue? Any help?


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

" I seriously feel like they can read my mind and see that I am thinking about whatever the hell it is i'm thinking about!"

They cant though, No one can read anyone else's mind


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## akt (Jun 21, 2011)

most people can't read minds, but I guess they can read your facial expression, your eyes, body language...

I have that same trouble, although I don't really care about connecting with people anymore. If they are talking about something I'm familiar about I'll try talking about it and commenting, or think of something I read online and casually mention it just to have something to say (usually when I mention things from online people have no idea what I'm talking about though), if they get weirded out then there's nothing I can do and atleast I tried.


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## artynerd (Sep 3, 2011)

thats my problem too, I get really shy and nervous like im giving a public speech so I become speechless and blank.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

I have the same issue. I feel like sometimes I am pulling teeth to get someone to talk to me. Usually people around my age. I am great with talking to people who are about ten years older or more. I am also attracted to older guys. It's also why I loved volunteering in hospice and in the ER. Older people love me as much as I love hearing what they have to say!

The communication/connection problem is weird because I am very talkative because I have no one to talk to, but when I start talking I can tell people are tuning me out. It is hard for me to give directions to people because they tune me out all the time and then become upset and say, "You didn't tell me what I was supposed to do!" It is unfortunate because I am becoming more and more quiet and distant in conversations with my peers. They do not listen to me and I am finding that I do not want to listen to them.


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## dreamingfear (May 23, 2010)

medicinmels said:


> I have the same issue. I feel like sometimes I am pulling teeth to get someone to talk to me. Usually people around my age. *I am great with talking to people who are about ten years older or more. I am also attracted to older guys.* It's also why I loved volunteering in hospice and in the ER. Older people love me as much as I love hearing what they have to say!
> *
> I am becoming more and more quiet and distant in conversations with my peers. They do not listen to me and I am finding that I do not want to listen to them.*


This is how I feel about age groups, but my personality is very introverted and I usually don't care to connect with most humans,but it helps if they're older. I can't get close to most people my age, especially women my age. But I like the elderly so I've been considering volunteering helping the elderly. Glad to hear it's been working out for you!


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## obsidianavenger (Sep 1, 2011)

when you're anxious your mind works less efficiently and you tend to blank out. it sucks. the good thing is that the more you are around someone, the more comfortable you will be around them, and the less anxious, so it should be easier to have conversations. also, it sounds like you have some false beliefs going on... people can't read your thoughts, and its unlikely that they are as dismissive of you as you think they are. and try not to withdraw further, it makes things worse, at least in my experience.


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## BoringBum (Jan 10, 2011)

Why do you try so hard to connect? Maybe that is your problem right there. It's like if someone says, "don't think of a pink elephant!" of course you can't help but think of the pink elephant. If you continue "trying" to connect with others, I think you will continue to be disappointed. Your attempts will be futile, because of our internal mechanisms of not being able to pull off what we sometimes wish solely because we are just so focused on pulling it off. For that reason, it is probably best just to completely stop this process of trying so hard. Just let it go and be who you are, even if you think you come off as a bit weird or stoic. When you are not pushing your mind so much to something it's not completely comfortable doing, the mind will not be as resistant to change. It is like trying to push an elephant to go in the direction you want it to. No matter how hard you try, the elephant is too resistant to your attempts. Only by slowly guiding the elephant will you be able to get it to go where you want him to. So stop worrying about it and just have conversations with others for the sake of having conversations, not because you are trying to get over some connection hurdle.


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## BoringBum (Jan 10, 2011)

Also, don't try and be too nice or change who you naturally are. If you are boring, embrace that part of your personality and let it come out in the conversations. If you try too hard to shift the equilibrium of your own personality one way or the other while interacting with others, like I just posted, you will not really get anywhere.


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## keyla965 (Jan 13, 2011)

i dont think i connect well with people either, and i think that everything that comes out of my mouth is boring, flat and stupid. So i listen most of the time


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## martinm1 (Oct 11, 2012)

keeppushin said:


> i have this "problem" with connecting with people and it is by far the most frustrating element in my sa. I am normally very quiet, and when i do speak what i say is boring, and i speak with absolutely no emotion or enthusiasum . It's not that i am really afraid to say whats on my mind... I just have nothing to say. The biggest part of this is when i talk to people (stangers, co-workers, etc..) every conversation is awkward. Like i put out some kind of weird vibe? I try to focus on the conversation and what is being said but by the end i can totally read that this person feels extremely awkward/almost intimidated by me? Wtf?! I seriously feel like they can read my mind and see that i am thinking about whatever the hell it is i'm thinking about! So i have tried resorting to just smiling, laughing at what they say, trying to be this total nice guy when i'm not! I mean i'm nice but not that damn nice! And that technique does not work at all btw, helps but thats it. Anyone else have this issue? Any help?


dude this is exactly how i feel omg i try so hard to connect with people and end up just freaking out and being awkward and weird


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## abbs (Oct 11, 2012)

medicinmels said:


> I have the same issue. I feel like sometimes I am pulling teeth to get someone to talk to me. Usually people around my age. I am great with talking to people who are about ten years older or more. I am also attracted to older guys. It's also why I loved volunteering in hospice and in the ER. Older people love me as much as I love hearing what they have to say!
> 
> The communication/connection problem is weird because I am very talkative because I have no one to talk to, but when I start talking I can tell people are tuning me out. It is hard for me to give directions to people because they tune me out all the time and then become upset and say, "You didn't tell me what I was supposed to do!" It is unfortunate because I am becoming more and more quiet and distant in conversations with my peers. They do not listen to me and I am finding that I do not want to listen to them.


This is pretty much the story of my life, haha. I can talk to older people such as ones from my parents generation so much easier than those my age. I've been told I have an old soul. Maybe you do too.


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## jayjaythejetplane (May 13, 2011)

dreamingfear said:


> I usually don't care to connect with most humans


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## omega2 (Jan 9, 2013)

*No connection, different wave length*

I also find it hard to connect with people. I never knew other people who found it hard to connect also get along so well with older people. Old people love me. Usually. And then the post about being an old soul. That's interesting, only to the extent that it explains why it's hard to connect with younger people. But though I get along better with older people I wouldn't say I connect with them. There are the odd individuals, but I never develop friendships anymore. And I don't really "try" to either. Ive been becoming much better at just relaxing and being myself, but I feel like "me" is just so damn introspective and feeling that I don't come up with things to say often, even to people I know very well. Unless we've been hanging out for a while and the conversation finally gets warmed up and we're on a roll with a topic. Otherwise - blank - just like people said. Really interesting. It's just a shame because I WANT to connect with people. But I would rather just "connect" and not have to win them over first in conversation. What would be really nice I guess is to find someone I could hang out with, whome with we had mutual enjoyment of eachother's company, and were on the same wavelengh. I guess that's the problem with some of us introverts is we're on a different wave length, or some of us older souls. <3 people.


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## behindAsmile (Jul 18, 2013)

*NAIL on the head*



medicinmels said:


> I have the same issue. I feel like sometimes I am pulling teeth to get someone to talk to me. Usually people around my age. I am great with talking to people who are about ten years older or more. I am also attracted to older guys. It's also why I loved volunteering in hospice and in the ER. Older people love me as much as I love hearing what they have to say!
> 
> The communication/connection problem is weird because I am very talkative because I have no one to talk to, but when I start talking I can tell people are tuning me out. It is hard for me to give directions to people because they tune me out all the time and then become upset and say, "You didn't tell me what I was supposed to do!" It is unfortunate because I am becoming more and more quiet and distant in conversations with my peers. They do not listen to me and I am finding that I do not want to listen to them.


 and you hit the nail on the HEAD


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## behindAsmile (Jul 18, 2013)

*the beginning*

so iv noticed that i am slowly losing all real social ability i can fake it easy but i fell so hallow so third person just watching my false self go about day to day life tell im all alone with my self and depression hits and my body wants to quit. It started artistically i could not put in to words or draw or paint or describe my pain or loneliness with others i spent months on months with never saying more then two or three words to anyone and now my will to try is fading im slowly socially degrading only way i got this much out is because I am pretending that this will never be seen  so anyone with some tips or resources it would be ok to leave a link to it


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I have the same issue, I desperately need help as well. I crave social interaction yet I suck at maintaining it.


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## prehistoric (Jul 17, 2013)

I share the same difficulties like everyone else just communicating w/ other people. I'm just not good w/ small talk. I feel as though other people are the ones making more of an effort just to try and engage in conversation w/ me and my brain just simply shuts down. My facial expressions don't help much either. Alot of the time this is me :|

I wish I was more of a welcome party. Sometimes I go through repeated questions and broken dialogue.


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## TeenAngst (Jul 14, 2013)

BoringBum said:


> Why do you try so hard to connect? Maybe that is your problem right there. It's like if someone says, "don't think of a pink elephant!" of course you can't help but think of the pink elephant. If you continue "trying" to connect with others, I think you will continue to be disappointed. Your attempts will be futile, because of our internal mechanisms of not being able to pull off what we sometimes wish solely because we are just so focused on pulling it off. For that reason, it is probably best just to completely stop this process of trying so hard. *Just let it go and be who you are, even if you think you come off as a bit weird or stoic.* When you are not pushing your mind so much to something it's not completely comfortable doing, the mind will not be as resistant to change. It is like trying to push an elephant to go in the direction you want it to. No matter how hard you try, the elephant is too resistant to your attempts. Only by slowly guiding the elephant will you be able to get it to go where you want him to. So stop worrying about it and just have conversations with others for the sake of having conversations, not because you are trying to get over some connection hurdle.


This whole post is the best advice for you so far. Acceptance is key and can help you tremendously in bonding with people later on. But it is a muscle that needs to be practised - the silver lining is, while you can't expect external results immediately, accepting your so-called awkwardness in public will lower your inner anxiety and make a huge difference.


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## TeenAngst (Jul 14, 2013)

I forgot to add, feeling boring and like you have nothing to say is common in SA. And I am not going to lie, having SA can make people look boring to other people, especially because of the whole resorting to nice guy/girl in times of extreme shyness

I do not know you, so correct me if I am wrong, your feelings could be caused by anxiety alone...
But I can't help but feeling the person who finds you boring the most is yourself?
Aside from trying to connect with people, what other projects and interests do you have?
You don't have to live like a rock star or be James Bond, but for the love of god, never ever settle for a lifestyle that YOU would find boring!
Because if you do, people will intuitively pick up on it, and thus, find you boring as well. 
These so-called exciting people around, are not always exciting in the objective sense - they just think they are. It would be impossible to fake this passion, so in your case, maybe it is time to make it become the truth

If you for example learned just one skill this year that you are passionate about,(like I don't know, cooking?) it would add something to live for. You could become a visual artist, a musician, a dancer(I know, I know), or start to read gothic litterature. Just about anything that would make YOU passionate and give you a sense of wonder, I guarantee you, will make other people feel this as well. 
You need to do some self-evaluation and come up with your own definition of what would make you happy. Your anxiety has already trapped you in the company of other people, don't let that feeling transfer into the time you spend alone too!
Let go of yourself.


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## stormtrooper (Jul 18, 2013)

I know what you mean. I can only talk to people who I am comfortable with otherwise I just shutdown. I don't know what to say so I tend to not say anything. Growing up with I was the quiet one. I just didn't talk to anyone really. Just kept my nose in books as it was the most comfortable place for me. 
Public speaking is hard for me, but I just focus on one point such as a clock or blank spot on a wall. Still a little hard but slowly getting easier.


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## Social Anxiety Institute (May 15, 2013)

Hey Keeppushin,

I think everyone with social anxiety disorder feels that they can't "connect" with others at certain times in their lives. 

I can relate to your situation as well. Throughout high school, I hardly ever talked to anyone in my classes, and so people probably just thought I was a recluse, and when I did talk to others, I usually spoke with little to none enthusiasm or feeling. 

And like you, I also felt like I had "nothing to say." I would hear someone talk to me and just think, "ok that's all well and good, but I really have nothing to offer to this conversation to make it better."

However, looking back I can see that these were simply negative beliefs I was holding about myself, and a lot of anxiety. Because I had so much anxiety in social situations when making conversations, the anxiety "blocked out" my rational, thinking mind. I could tell this was the case because when I took medications to reduce my anxiety, I was more talkative and creative about topics to discuss with others.

So I think the main reason for you feeling like you can't "connect" with anyone is because of social anxiety you experience. That is still the "root" problem, not your inability to socialize or make small talk with others. You will find that if your anxiety is decreased enough, you will have plenty of things to say to others which will put an image that you are more social, and build up a more positive image of you in others eyes.

Also, about putting out a "negative vibe," this is also a negative belief you hold that may not be true. However, even if it is true, just know that anxiety is at the root of the problem, and going to therapy and getting appropriate help for it is the best solution you have, at least that's what I found from my own experience.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope this post helped you some at least.

- Justin


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## behindAsmile (Jul 18, 2013)

Malek said:


> I have the same issue, I desperately need help as well. I crave social interaction yet I suck at maintaining it.


yea know the felling it make me sad and angry at the same time


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## behindAsmile (Jul 18, 2013)

prehistoric said:


> I share the same difficulties like everyone else just communicating w/ other people. I'm just not good w/ small talk. I feel as though other people are the ones making more of an effort just to try and engage in conversation w/ me and my brain just simply shuts down. My facial expressions don't help much either. Alot of the time this is me :|
> 
> I wish I was more of a welcome party. Sometimes I go through repeated questions and broken dialogue.


 yea really sucks when ur trying but making no progress and you fell like your annoying everyone so you hide


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## DarkmanX (Jun 27, 2013)

behindAsmile said:


> yea really sucks when ur trying but making no progress and you fell like your annoying everyone so you hide


Right. Then when someone tries to approach you (me), you end up speechless, voice cracking & just awkwardly smiling it off.

I hate small talk especially in closed enviroments like at a job or something where it's not like you can escape the people there if still wanna be/work there so you kind of have to force yourself to get by.


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## Skoomax (Aug 28, 2012)

TeenAngst said:


> I forgot to add, feeling boring and like you have nothing to say is common in SA. And I am not going to lie, having SA can make people look boring to other people, especially because of the whole resorting to nice guy/girl in times of extreme shyness


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm pretty sure i was born not to connect with people.


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