# My friends don't seem to realise how much they hurt me



## skay87 (Nov 6, 2015)

Hello all, first post, but I needed to share this with a group of people who're not in my day to day life to find out if I'm just overly sensitive, or if I have a reason to feel aggrieved. For context I'm 27, so this is going to be a long lost.

I've always tried to bend over backwards for my friends, yet no-one has ever really been there when I need them. I can trace this back through my whole life. I was always the little kid in our group of friends who was made fun of. Friends would borrow toys or videos and break them. 

It got to a whole new level in high school. I was bullied all the way through primary school and for four years at high school. I also had a lot of deal with - several bereavements, illness (I was already getting treated for depression) and my mum's first heart attack, but I seemed to finally be making what I thought were real friends. I think the first sign that their friendship didn't mean as much to them as me however came when my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia. I was obviously totally devastated, so I contacted the girl in my group of friends who I felt was closest to and we went out for something to eat. Instead of me being able to lean on her, Instead I remember spending the evening helping her with her own family problem. Fast forward 11 years and her dad's just walked her down the aisle and her daughter has a grandfather. My dad died six years ago. But I spent that night comforting her when it was my time of need. With two ill parents and no other family left, I spent the bulk of my time outside of school with them, but I still wanted to see my friends. One day I realised they'd made arrangements and hadn't included me. I asked why and one of them responded "You're no fun anymore".

Towards the end of my time at school I didn't manage to get a place at University (despite really good marks...story of my life), and one by one my school friends ditched me. By the time I started university (I managed to get in through clearing), I was friendless, but they were all posting pictures of Bebo of nights out and stuff.

My dad was really ill when I started uni, so I couldn't really participate in Freshers week. By this point I was also seeing a psychotherapist and suffering panic attacks so I felt very isolated. But slowly I managed to make some friends. 

So at uni things weren't so bad. I had friends I saw during the day, but no-one seemed to want to be a closer friend, or a really good friend. I lived an hour away from university and while I'd go to their houses (sometimes two hours away) and meet them in town (taking up a lot of time and costing me money), none of them ever visited me, despite having plenty of invites.

Towards the end of university though, my dad's health deteriorated rapidly, and I had a breakdown. I took a year out of uni, both for my own sake, and to help look after my dad. In that time my mum became seriously ill, then my dad died, then I was in hospital, then my mum was seriously ill again and had an operation. Even my dog died. It was understandably the worst time in my life. I was devastated, and with no other family around, I was counting on my friends being there, or even texting me once in a while.

Instead I had a year of almost complete silence. Three of them came to my dad's funeral and that was almost all I saw of them.

A few weeks after the funeral I became aware that I really wasn't physically well, but I pushed on. One friend who I'd known my whole life broke up with her boyfriend, and out of the blue she asked me if I could help her move out. So I travelled an hour and a half to help her pack and go home. I really wasn't up to it, and after helping for a while I felt too ill to continue. She left me to go home alone, but I didn't even make it to the bottom of her street before I collapsed. I lay on the street in my own sick for 20 minutes before I could actually pick myself up and head back to her house. She threw a strop and said she couldn't give me a lift, and I couldn't be that sick. So I left again. I made it home and ended up in hospital just a couple of days later. She didn't visit me, in fact no-one other than my mum did.

But when that same friend was moving again a few months later, stupid me helped her move again. I even spent a day stripping wallpaper and sanding walls and floors for her.

The next few years were very lonely. I had occasional contact with one uni friend, but as she got further into her studies she became very arrogant. Some of my friends have mentioned that it's difficult to visit me because I live an hour away (yet I don't drive and find it easy to visit them), when I moved out and into town no-one helped me to move, and in the 8 months I was in my flat, I had three visitors. My mum wasn't well enough to visit so I basically spent 8 months alone. When I had to give up my flat because of financial problems, no-one helped again.

These days I've managed to gain a new group of friends, but again I think their friendship means a lot more to me than it does to them. The reason I've actually been thinking about all of this is that I've become aware that these days I dread my birthday. My birthday's in less than a week and once again I'll be doing nothing. I wrote down on paper earlier today what I've actually done for my birthday in recent years:

16 - Each and every one of my friends forgot. 
18 - Ditto.
20 - I was still at uni. Two uni friends took me for lunch then I went to a student society meeting only to be informed most of them had gone for a drink because they "couldn't be bothered with the meeting". They all knew it was my birthday.
21 - The same friend who I helped move house came out with me. I paid for dinner and drinks and then we went to a casino. She got bored and went home. She lived a short distance away. I lived an hour away. I went home on my own.
22 - It was days after my dog died, and it was the same year I'd lost my dad and that my mum and I had both been ill, so I spent the day with my mum. All my friends forgot.
23 - My friends forgot. I went to dinner with my mum.
24 - I was skint. My friend invited me to hers over two hours away. We went to the zoo which was extortionate and I never got to see what I wanted because she went in a strop and demanded we go to the ape house at the other end of the zoo (despite the fact she lived near the zoo and could visit again). We went for dinner. I had a glass of wine. She's teetotal and went in a bad mood and made us divide the bill item by item. We went back to her house. She kicked me out when Strictly came on and I travelled home on my own in the dark. The day cost me well over £100 and I was miserable. I haven't seen her since.
25 - All my friends forgot, though my new work colleagues remembered. I went to dinner with my mum.
26 - Had a breakdown weeks before. Did nothing. Didn't get a single card. Got some facebook messages.
27 - Nobody wanted to do anything. Went to dinner with my mum.

Now this year. I let people know in advance I wanted to do something. A friend suggested a spa day and I found a spa near me (so I though great - for once I might not need to travel!!). Friend went in a mood when I told her I wanted to go to spa where I live. Instead I decided to invite a bunch of people to the pub (not even where I stay, but again in the nearest city which means travelling and expense for me). All but two said they were busy (some are working so I'm not upset at them) or couldn't make it. Of the two who said yes one has now cancelled. An acquaintance I haven't seen in years has invited me out though, so I may take her up on that.

I'm sorry for writing an essay, and I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party because I don't mean it to sound that way. I'm just at the end of my tether. I've tried finding new friends (which is always the #1 suggestion) but three groups of friends in and it's the same old crap.

I don't have friends I can trust with serious stuff because I don't think they care. I've been getting treated for depression and anxiety for over a decade and I've only ever been able to tell four people. I also found out earlier this year that I'll probably never be able to have children. I told one friend when I found out, but in a recent conversation with her she'd clearly forgotten all about it, which hurts.

As for men? Don't even go there. 

I just...I'm sick of sitting in my house waiting on the odd invite for something because I know when it's me making the arrangements that I'll invariably be let down. I feel I've wasted what should have been the best years of my life because I've been so continually let down.

Sorry for the rant, on a real downer today.


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## ShadowOnTheWall (Dec 24, 2010)

Sometimes people don't always notice the feelings of others and act intensively without meaning, and at times like that you need to bring ti to their attention


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## skay87 (Nov 6, 2015)

ShadowOnTheWall said:


> Sometimes people don't always notice the feelings of others and act intensively without meaning, and at times like that you need to bring ti to their attention


I've tried, trust me I've tried. But it's been a decade of being treated like dirt week in week out.

Right now it's my birthday and not had one call or text. I'm in the UK so it's late afternoon so...

I've had facebook messages, but I just wonder how many of them would have remembered if facebook hadn't reminded them.

As predicted the only people that have made any effort are my mum and one of her friends.


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## aaaa1111bbbb2222cccc3333 (May 10, 2015)

Are there any positive sides to your friendship, or are they just *ssholes all the time? Cause what you described doesn't look like friendship at all. Honestly, if they're just using you and never give in return, i would ditch them. It sucks to be alone, but in that case it seems to be the lesser evil.


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## ShadowOnTheWall (Dec 24, 2010)

thedevilsblood said:


> Are there any positive sides to your friendship, or are they just *ssholes all the time? Cause what you described doesn't look like friendship at all. Honestly, if they're just using you and never give in return, i would ditch them. It sucks to be alone, but in that case it seems to be the lesser evil.


Agreed, these people don't seem like your friends. Find some better friends, even if you have to endure being alone for a bit


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## skay87 (Nov 6, 2015)

Well today I unfriended a lot of people on Facebook. I'm going to trim it down further with a view to maybe leaving facebook altogether. If people still want to be my friend then they'll contact me away from that site.

My mum took me out for my birthday again. I got one card. I got piles of facebook messages but almost all of them were from acquaintances...some friends didn't bother at all. As usual. One friend who'd said they couldn't make it for my birthday was tagged on a "impromptu night out" in the same area I'd wanted to go out to...so that's that I guess.
@thedevilsblood - sometimes there's good times, but its always on their terms. They suggest something and I go along with it. I suggest something and its either ignored or considered inconvenient. @ShadowOnTheWall - sometimes I think I'm just friends with them so I'm not alone, but I had a period of about three years where I had no real proper friends and my mental health was a lot better. Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I like being alone and feel forced to have friends because society thinks being alone is abnormal. I might try being abnormal again, it's less hassle and no-one will be around to disappoint me.


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## ShadowOnTheWall (Dec 24, 2010)

skay87 said:


> Well today I unfriended a lot of people on Facebook. I'm going to trim it down further with a view to maybe leaving facebook altogether. If people still want to be my friend then they'll contact me away from that site.
> 
> My mum took me out for my birthday again. I got one card. I got piles of facebook messages but almost all of them were from acquaintances...some friends didn't bother at all. As usual. One friend who'd said they couldn't make it for my birthday was tagged on a "impromptu night out" in the same area I'd wanted to go out to...so that's that I guess.
> 
> ...


I don't think your only choice is to accept crappy friends or be alone. I mean maybe you'd be alone eventually but you could always try meeting new people. Maybe try a club or hobby group or something


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## skay87 (Nov 6, 2015)

ShadowOnTheWall said:


> I don't think your only choice is to accept crappy friends or be alone. I mean maybe you'd be alone eventually but you could always try meeting new people. Maybe try a club or hobby group or something


Every time I try joining a group it's a disaster...People are always nice at first, but they soon show their true colours. I don't think I trust anyone these days.


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## ShadowOnTheWall (Dec 24, 2010)

skay87 said:


> Every time I try joining a group it's a disaster...People are always nice at first, but they soon show their true colours. I don't think I trust anyone these days.


You've had some bad experiences, don't let it sour you on humanity as a whole. There are good people out there as well


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## lonerroom (May 16, 2015)

skay87 said:


> .


I am so sorry your "friends" treat you that way. Every single friend I ever had my entire life was like that to me too, maybe worse, when I used to have facebook, not even 1 friend would even aknowledge my birthday, one friend who I knew for a few years never remembered my birthday either. My friends never made an effort to contact me when plans were being made, they left me out all the time, they stole things from me, or "borrowed" something from me and broke it. They always got money from me, I always treated them to movies, food etc and they never appreciated it. My friends even had sex on my bed on my 15th birthday a long time ago. My friends also would mess up my room when they used to come over, and I have met different people who I thought were friends but they all turned out to be like that. I even tried to have friends who were older than me and they hurt me too. One time on a Halloween there was a get together at someone's house and they told me it was cancelled but when I walked to her house to say hi, the get together was going on and everyone was shocked to see me there. 2 years ago I found one person who I knew in daycare in kindergarten/1st/2nd grade we reconnected on facebook, we hung out a total of 3 times, then after that he said he was busy everytime I asked to hang out and usually he ignored me when I tried to contact him, eventually I got rid of his number. People who I thought were my friends in college also treated me this way, after hanging out with me 2 times or so they would ignore me and not want to hang out anymore. On my birthday 2 years ago, I hung out with one person for a little while but then he faked being sick so he could leave. Most of my birthdays were spent alone too.

15th birthday - 2 friends had sex on my bed on top of the covers right infront of me and another girl who was there

16th birthday - alone, I invited my friends, no one wanted to come

17th birthday was spent with some friends who all ignored me most of the time at someone else's house

18th birthday was spent alone

19th birthday alone too

20th with some friends but I got food poisoning when a girl thought it was a good idea to put raw meat on the pizza.

21st birthday was alone

22nd birthday alone again then after a couple more lonely birthdays I hung out with 1 college friend who faked being sick to leave early, after that alone again. My birthday in 2015 was spent with my parents for the first time I spent it with both of them, my dad usually forgets my birthday too, he also gets my age wrong alot too.

I completely understand your issue with friendship, I have it so bad too, I have no friends right now at the moment. I am trying to not care so much but it still hurs that everyone treats me like that. And when I read your post I felt really sad for you because I understand all too well that kind of treatment. I have even tried to make friends online but people online only like me for a little while before they too just ignore me after a little while. If you want, we can talk and be internet friends, I really understand the pain of bad friendships, I might understand more than anyone else on this site.


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