# nobody likes me at church



## jane

I go to a church for students and young people.

Since the beginning of this year, I introduced myself, I chatted with others, I went to lots of church activities, and generally really made an effort to make friends. 

But still, nobody invites me to their house, or even sits with me in church. I have a highly developed sense of responsibility, and I think I did my part, but others aren't reciprocating. 

Should I talk to my pastor about social anxiety and isolation?? What could he do?? 

And aren't people at church supposed to be nice? Why don't they like me??


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## anxiousgirl

No, people aren't supposed to be nice to others just because you're at church. You could talk to the Bishop, but what can he seriously do? He can't force others to befriend you, or sit with you. If it's not working, have you thought about going to a different church?


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## Roped

i think you could try going to another church too..i dont know why people are like that..its really disturbing,its like their afraid of making contact too..your right,people should really try to make an effort at church to reach out to eachother,thats what Jesus would do,dont you think?but i cant blame them,im probably guilty to it myself many times...but i try if i see somebody new at our church to talk to them.
many people(myself included probably)are just so caught up in themselves and dont want to be disturbed in their worlds...its sad...
i wish we could all start to listen more to eachother and take the time,its not easy to try to make contact so i wish people could appreciate that more when someone does it and just be there for that person for a while


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## SJG102185

I usually feel like no one likes me when I go to church to. It's probably because I have SA... but just because people are at church it doesnt mean they're not going home, and cheating on their wives or molesting little Johnny. I dont really go that often anymore, but when I do I remind myself why I'm really going, and then it's not so bad.


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## jenkydora

I too held that belief that the parish community would scoop me up and welcome me with warm embrace.
So not true, i was hit with icy cold reality when I was confronted by a regular goer who was most disgusted with my small sons conduct, that was our first time at church but definitely not my last. I had every right to be there as anyone and I still wanted so much to be felt welcome, when I realised I didn't need them to make me feel welcome that I was okay without their approval. I still go, but I know now that they are just like everybody else. Not perfect.
Go for God, nobody else. You will feel good.
Not easy, but I know how you feel.
jenky


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## Gena320

It stinks how you haven't been able to connect with people. I pray that doesn't happen to me when I go to church. Although I don't expect everyone to like me, I would like to be good friends with atleast one or two people. Church is supposed to be a place that's spiritually uplifiting, and encouraging...a place for people with similar beliefs to congregate and help each other out...where you can go and recharge your batteries so to speak. I'm terribly sorry to hear that you're not benefitting at all from your meetings. It's almost depressing, isn't it? I just hope you can connect with someone eventually or find a church that meets your spiritual needs. I agree that you should go for God and nobody else, I also think that you should look to Christ's perfect example and not focus on the hypocrisy that the other church members may possess. Good luck to you, I hope it works out.


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## bender3008

I was "black-listed" from a pentecostal (assemblies of God) youth group
for having long hair. like Jesus did.
I was dis-fellowshipped.


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## hoof_hearted

bender3008 said:


> I was "black-listed" from a pentecostal (assemblies of God) youth group
> for having long hair. like Jesus did.
> I was dis-fellowshipped.


It's definitely quite extreme to be blacklisted for having long hair but this would be their reason why:

Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice- nor do the churches of God.

1 Corinthians 11:14-16

The only reason people think that Jesus had long hair is because this is how he has been depicted by most artitsts. Given what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians I think it is safe to assume that He did not.


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## bender3008

hoof_hearted said:


> bender3008 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was "black-listed" from a pentecostal (assemblies of God) youth group
> for having long hair. like Jesus did.
> I was dis-fellowshipped.
> 
> 
> 
> It's definitely quite extreme to be blacklisted for having long hair but this would be their reason why:
> 
> Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practice- nor do the churches of God.
> 
> 1 Corinthians 11:14-16
> 
> The only reason people think that Jesus had long hair is because this is how he has been depicted by most artists. Given what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians I think it is safe to assume that He did not.
Click to expand...

Sorry, It is very safe to know that he did have long hair.
Jesus was a Nazarene. They were never supposed to cut their hair or beard. People now just want to quote Paul's opinion on this one point--- because it suits the style they like--short hair on men. 
I actually don't believe a whole lot of what Paul had to say. 
By his reasoning it would be a "shame" to a woman to cut her hair short as well. And how short would be too short for Paul? 
He said a lot of other things the women in the church today don't listen to as well. 
If they did, they'd all look like and act like the Amish.
So why should I listen to what he said? or what the other christian short-hairs tell me?
One last note:
_"Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?"_

How does the nature of things teach anything of the kind? if it did, men's hair would only grow to whatever Paul's acceptable length was. No, nature teaches me the exact opposite. Because my hair keeps on growing. long. By nature.

I only read what Jesus had to say. Paul (Saul of Tarsus) never even met him in person. He claimed he had a vision of Jesus on the road to Damascus (Syria). That is all. I think he was seriously deranged and more. He made a bunch of ****e up, that is now over half of the new testament.

QUIT FOLLOWING PAUL
he was a self mutilated eunuch (cut his own balls off ) nutjob.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah

I think its poopie that you feel like no one likes you  I agree with Roped up there - try a different church! My church is so warm and friendly, I love the way it makes me feel and people always come up to chat afterwards. It plays uplifting music and everyone sings and is in such a good mood after  Its like having my batteries recharged once a week!!


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## millenniumman75

Bender3008 has nice hair, by the way. I wish mine was that blond!

I don't know why people are so rigid; it may be due to their own sin - who knows. There is also the possibility of their shyness (I have seen something like this during jury duty, when it was me who actually initiated the conversations!). 

Jane - I would first try to be more approachable/physically present at functions. It would be kind of like "if you are around a lot, the more likely you would enter other's minds when it comes to events". If that doesn't work, try the group leaders for tips on what to do. Some of this may actually be SA and your interpretation, though.


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## bender3008

anxiousgirl said:


> No, people aren't supposed to be nice to others just because you're at church. You could talk to the Bishop, but what can he seriously do? He can't force others to befriend you, or sit with you. If it's not working, have you thought about going to a different church?


Firstly, Gee, thanks for the support milleniummnan75! thanks very much 

As to the quote above (by anxiousgirl):
WHAT THE...?
Are you not supposed to "...love thy neighbor as thyself" ?

People in Church aren't supposed to be nice?

I wonder what Jesus would say to that statement?

What about "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"

If I were not a Christian and read that (no, people are not supposed to be nice...etc, I would have never darkened any door of a church. Ever. Why should I ?

Yes Jane, OF COURSE they ARE supposed to be nice. But they're far FAR from perfect (even though many seem to think they are -or come off that way, for sure.)

Jane, YOU are right and they ARE wrong. And I have experienced it as well.
Try a different church if possible. Keep looking until you find one where the people DO ask you to activities if they are having any


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## hoof_hearted

Bender, minor issue but since we're talking about it I think it's important to get to the truth of the matter.

http://www.thercg.org/articles/djhlh.html


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## yeah_yeah_yeah

> But still, nobody invites me to their house, or even sits with me in church. I have a highly developed sense of responsibility, and I think I did my part, but others aren't reciprocating


Ok this is a question with the potential to light a major fire. I am not saying this judgementally or even presuming to know anything about you AT ALL - *its just a question* ...

As you think back through life, has anyone ever accused you of having a specific personality flaw? I dont mean like 'being boring' or 'being ugly' or 'being shy' ... has anyone ever called you something that made you feel odd, like it didnt fit, or that offended you but somehwre deep down, struck a dischord? Examples such as seeming entitled, perhaps seeming judgemental, or feeling that other do not pull their weight? Perhaps that you do not get what you deserve?

I am only saying it based on that ONE quote up there, but I think it would be wrong at this point to only look at the the 'them' side of the equation. I learned a HUGE amount about myself when I looked at the parts of myself I didnt like - but THAT DIDNT FIT WITH A "IM A VICTIM' MENTALITY. I looked for the ways I might actually do wrong to others and that might actually cause me to BE REJECTED. I realised there were things - and acting to change them has revolutionised my relationships.

Is it possible that in some way you come across as entitled, or more deserving, or judgemental? That perhaps you may do SOMETHING to invite rejection upon yourself? If there are, do not be ashamed. Do not be angry. It is human and RIGHT that we make mistakes, and that we do things that we see as undesirable. But as humans we have the capacity to see them and choose to change - if we can have the courage to do so.

If your life seems to be a procession of similar events - ask yourself - is there something I AM DOING to make this keep happening?

You may find it one of the most liberating things you ever did 

Ross


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## daddyboy

Hey don't know if this applies/is true or not but don't SA's often come off as aloof or egotistical because they are so quiet and withdrawn???

e.g. If folks at church get to know you better maybe they'll understand better and you can form more meaningful friendships there??

Then again as has already been said you may be attending a church full of uncaring ritualists - maybe a new church would help.

???

Rob


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## bender3008

Daddyboy-Hey don't know if this applies/is true or not but don't SA's often come off as aloof or egotistical because they are so quiet and withdrawn???

Hello sir.
you use "they" instead of "we" concerning social anxiety.
So I assume you do not have this curse.
Yes - we (I) probably do appear aloof and stuck up to most strangers.
Because I fear them; on a basic instinctual level.
Nothing could be further from the the truth (me being "snobbish"),
but how would they know that? They don't. What do we do?

But! a lot of _them_ 
are actual snobs that I'd sooner not know anyway.


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## bender3008

Everybody is trying to intellectualize a reason for church people to be aloof to anyone with social anxiety.

They don't have it, they like crowds. (Obviously Jesus never had to deal with it,--salesman that he was, or a million other things that we have to deal with) They should act as Jesus would have them if they claim to be "Christian" ...but they actually all follow "Paul" (Saul of Tarsus).....
not Jesus.


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## bender3008

Everybody is trying to intellectualize a reason for church people to be aloof to anyone with social anxiety.

They don't have it, they like crowds. (Obviously Jesus never had to deal with it,--salesman that he was ...note...I don't think I would have liked him very much in person.especially talking in riddles -i would have told him "out with it!-what the hell are you trying to say? speak in plain ...whatever language, doofus. I didn't like that he was ****ed up enough to actually curse a tree. you know...the fig tree incident. What kind of idiot god does that? or a million other things that we have to deal with) They should act as Jesus would have them if they claim to be "Christian" ...but they actually all follow "Paul" (Saul of Tarsus).....
not Jesus.


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## daddyboy

Yes I goofed there it is a definite WE for me because I definitely have had SA from a VERY early age.

Not saying it's right for folks to automaticaly asume we are egocentric and not sayin' it's right for us to assume any of them are the same until proven otherwise.

DaddyBoy


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## soldierforchrist

this sounds like a sign that u need to find a new church. not everybody at every church will be nice. remember were all sinner and need his forgivness. so there will be people who havent recieved that forgivness andwill still be living the old lifestyle and probbly will look at u and see u loving christ and judge u. becuz jesus said u will have persectuion. and maybe ushould talk to the pastor. but i recommend u move to another church.


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## sherrysilver

jenkydora said:


> I too held that belief that the parish community would scoop me up and welcome me with warm embrace.
> So not true, i was hit with icy cold reality when I was confronted by a regular goer who was most disgusted with my small sons conduct, that was our first time at church but definitely not my last. I had every right to be there as anyone and I still wanted so much to be felt welcome, when I realised I didn't need them to make me feel welcome that I was okay without their approval. I still go, but I know now that they are just like everybody else. Not perfect.
> Go for God, nobody else. You will feel good.
> Not easy, but I know how you feel.
> jenky


Great Advice :yes


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## daddyboy

Amen Jenky - Go for God!!! People will let you down every time!!

What was said before is also right on - try another church - you may find a "friendlier" flock...

Rob


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## SecretOne

Well, I am in leadership at church, a large church, and I truly feel like few of the staff like me. They like my work but I don't know if they like me. I'm not an easy person to get to know and don't find crowds easy. I work best one on one. It's really hard to be in leadership and feel like no-one likes you. I've even thought of stepping down.


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## jane

I'm doing a lot better at church and just wanted to update this post. 

First, I think I just needed to give it more time. Friends aren't made instantly-they take time to develop. Also, I understand now that plenty of new people come to church, only to leave a few months later. It's taxing for church members to be befriend people who're just going to disappear. 

Secondly, I talked to my pastor about social anxiety, and I'm really glad I did. He gave me some spiritual advice, and it was really comforting that he knew my situation and was praying for me. Also, I live in a student town, and lots of new people come in September. At the pulpit, he asked us to welcome new faces and make them feel at home. I know he did this partly because of me, because I reminded him that isolation and anxiety is a problem for some.


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## Solitario

Great to hear you're doing better. I was in the exact same boat: I joined a new church for young adults a little over a year ago and didn't really make any friends the first 5 or 6 months, only some acquaintances. I did all the activities and stuff- hikes, parties, etc. For a long time I was like "Man, am I ever gonna make any friends here?" Finally I was talking to a guy once and he's like "Let's hang out some time" and since then I've been fine. Glad I stuck it out.


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## Scrub-Zero

i was kicked out of a chruch because i didn't really talk to anybody.
One year with them and in the end i had no friends, so they assumed i was a false christian and said i should change my attitude or leave :lol

But thats okay. I got a bible and eyes to read it. I got a voice and intelligence to pray. I got an apartment and my room to worship. I am a church


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## Hot Chocolate

I use to go to church when I was young. I was sort of pestered into going. I find that most of them are too self-centered around christ and I couldn't feel their connection so I stopped going. 

I studied in a christian school and don't think just because they were baptised and faithful to God means they are a complete saint. No. They have feelings like normal people and they do feel the need to seek approval from people too. They also bully and tease despite. But I really love chapel session the most so it's something I really look forward to.

You could also start to do the same by looking forward to some activities in church. It will make you feel better and if you excel in them, people could be actually looking for you eventually


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## Not So Nervous Nelly

Could it be that you are projecting a negative attitude. Remember that you have to become the person you hope to attract.


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## anxiousinspringfield

I had a very similar experience. Firstly I grew up in the church, my grandfather was a minister and I feel like a good portion of my youth was spent going to church functions and revivals at neighboring churches. After I graduated high school I switched churches so I could see some of my old friends and possibly meet some other Christians around my age. One particular Sunday after service a group of us went out to get some pizza. I was sitting at the end of the table talking to a guy I had known for several years. He stopped me in the middle of our conversation to let me know everyone was back at the table and it looked like they were ready to say grace. I guess I must have been fairly oblivious to what was going on because not only was everyone staring at me, they were talking about me. Another friend, a guy I had met and spent some time with in high school, turned to his girlfriend and said, "Don't worry about it, he's not a Christian." Imagine how foolish I felt, having thought I was a Christian my entire life only to discover that I had been denied at some point in the application process. I held my tongue out of courtesy, but I never went back to that church again.

It's not hard to make someone feel welcome. If you go to a church and they can't even accomplish that, there's something wrong. Also, in my experience, the smaller the congregation the friendlier the reception. I doubt everyone would agree with that, but I've always received cold receptions at larger churches.


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## Solitario

cordzion said:


> I had a very similar experience. Firstly I grew up in the church, my grandfather was a minister and I feel like a good portion of my youth was spent going to church functions and revivals at neighboring churches. After I graduated high school I switched churches so I could see some of my old friends and possibly meet some other Christians around my age. One particular Sunday after service a group of us went out to get some pizza. I was sitting at the end of the table talking to a guy I had known for several years. He stopped me in the middle of our conversation to let me know everyone was back at the table and it looked like they were ready to say grace. I guess I must have been fairly oblivious to what was going on because not only was everyone staring at me, they were talking about me. Another friend, a guy I had met and spent some time with in high school, turned to his girlfriend and said,* "Don't worry about it, he's not a Christian."* Imagine how foolish I felt, having thought I was a Christian my entire life only to discover that I had been denied at some point in the application process. I held my tongue out of courtesy, but I never went back to that church again.


Why would he say that? Maybe he was joking.



cordzion said:


> It's not hard to make someone feel welcome. If you go to a church and they can't even accomplish that, there's something wrong. Also, in my experience, the smaller the congregation the friendlier the reception. I doubt everyone would agree with that, but I've always received cold receptions at larger churches.


This is true, but it think it's human nature. At a place with less people, people will reach out more. It's not a big deal to go up to someone you don't know and say 'hi' (for non-SAers, that is). At a place with a lot of people, it might be seen as a little creepy to just walk up to someone and say 'hi'. Not at a party, of course, but at a church, I think so. That's been my experience, anyway.


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## anxiousinspringfield

Solitario said:


> Why would he say that? Maybe he was joking.


It happened several years ago and I've given it a lot of thought since then. It wasn't sarcasm, I have a pretty keen ear for that. So then why did he say it? I have two ideas on this. 1) It was a Baptist church and I was very open with the fact I had no problems with drinking. It's not that Baptists think drinking is wrong, but being open about drinking is wrong. 2) I think a lot of it had to do with the girlfriend. I can't remember him dating anyone else before her so I think he may have been trying to straighten his act up to impress her. I guess it worked, they're married now I believe.



Solitario said:


> This is true, but it think it's human nature. At a place with less people, people will reach out more. It's not a big deal to go up to someone you don't know and say 'hi' (for non-SAers, that is). At a place with a lot of people, it might be seen as a little creepy to just walk up to someone and say 'hi'. Not at a party, of course, but at a church, I think so. That's been my experience, anyway.


I agree.


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## greytoblue2

jane said:


> I go to a church for students and young people. Since the beginning of this year, I introduced myself, I chatted with others, I went to lots of church activities, and generally really made an effort to make friends. But still, nobody invites me to their house, or even sits with me in church. I have a highly developed sense of responsibility, and I think I did my part, but others aren't reciprocating. Should I talk to my pastor about social anxiety and isolation?? What could he do?? And aren't people at church supposed to be nice? Why don't they like me??


 Good for you, first of all, put yourself out there and trying. Don’t give up, connections some times take time. I do feel like churches, some more than others, form groups and niches of people just like any other place, I know that can sometimes feel like rejection and it can hurt, I don’t feel like people intentionally do it they just do what they are comfortable with doing, and sometimes people don’t realize that other people feel excluded. Someone else mentioned trying to go to another church, that might be a good idea also to see if there’s another church that is a better fit for you, like I said, don’t give up and congratulations on putting in the effort .


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