# unemployed in a relationship



## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

Is there any guys my age here that never worked or have been unemployed for a while and have a girlfriend? Is it posible?


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## Broshious (Dec 23, 2006)

It is possible, just not easy. For some reason girls think it's okey for them to be unemployed, but not us. There are girls out there that do not find unemployment a deal breaker, however, so just keep looking.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Broshious said:


> It is possible, just not easy. For some reason girls think it's okey for them to be unemployed, but not us. There are girls out there that do not find unemployment a deal breaker, however, so just keep looking.


What are you talking about? Where do you get the idea that women think that??


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## Broshious (Dec 23, 2006)

Penny said:


> Broshious said:
> 
> 
> > It is possible, just not easy. For some reason girls think it's okey for them to be unemployed, but not us. There are girls out there that do not find unemployment a deal breaker, however, so just keep looking.
> ...


I apologize. I was a bit annoyed at the time. I think you're talking about this statement:

"For some reason girls think it's okey for them to be unemployed, but not us."

That was a mischaracterization. I think you must admit though that there are a _minority_ of women that do think this way.

If you're talking about the rest, just ask most women if they'd date a guy without a job and see what kind of answers you get.


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## davemason2k (Feb 11, 2005)

Cmon guys, you know the answer to this. 99 percent of guys are more than willing to overlook employment status, money situation, and confidence problems in a girl as long as she's hot, but if you're guy with any sort of confidence issues or career path question marks, don't expect pity from women. That's why fat girls and SA guys are pretty much screwed. Or not screwed. :afr


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Broshious said:


> If you're talking about the rest, just ask most women if they'd date a guy without a job and see what kind of answers you get.


I think that was done in this forum or voting booth, cannot remember which not all that long ago.


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## Airick10 (May 10, 2007)

davemason2k said:


> Cmon guys, you know the answer to this. 99 percent of guys are more than willing to overlook employment status, money situation, and confidence problems in a girl as long as she's hot, but if you're guy with any sort of confidence issues or career path question marks, don't expect pity from women. That's why fat girls and SA guys are pretty much screwed. Or not screwed. :afr


 :ditto


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

davemason2k said:


> Cmon guys, you know the answer to this. 99 percent of guys are more than willing to overlook employment status, money situation, and confidence problems in a girl as long as she's hot, but if you're guy with any sort of confidence issues or career path question marks, don't expect pity from women. That's why fat girls and SA guys are pretty much screwed. Or not screwed. :afr


That is a load of crap. And it actually reveals very shallow thinking on your part. Physical attraction only goes so far, I thought we were talking about RELATIONSHIPS which has to have more than looks involved. It would seem that you are speaking only of getting laid, a big difference.

Quit making sweeping generalizations, they are never accurate. Dont say "WOMEN think this or that" because you are saying that 50% of the human race feels the same about a single issue, can you not see how silly that is?

Plenty of guys with SA have relationships, I have seen plenty of "fat" girls in relationships, these generalizations are simplistic as much as they are inaccurate.


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## Airick10 (May 10, 2007)

Penny said:


> That is a load of crap. And it actually reveals very shallow thinking on your part. Physical attraction only goes so far, I thought we were talking about RELATIONSHIPS which has to have more than looks involved. It would seem that you are speaking only of getting laid, a big difference.
> 
> Quit making sweeping generalizations, they are never accurate. Dont say "WOMEN think this or that" because you are saying that 50% of the human race feels the same about a single issue, can you not see how silly that is?
> 
> Plenty of guys with SA have relationships, I have seen plenty of "fat" girls in relationships, these generalizations are simplistic as much as they are inaccurate.


 :ditto

You are both correct, but saying things in a different way. Okay, so Dave is generalizing (like we haven't seen that here). But the point he is making is more right then wrong. There are exceptions to every rule.


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## Andrew White (Aug 18, 2007)

Who wants to date someone that can't even find a job? I speak from personal experiece...though I can't say I have actually _looked_ for a job recently.


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## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

I do agree that an unemployed girl has a waaaaaay better chance of getting a bf than an unemployed guy getting a gf. I havent had a girlfriend since I was in my teens. It was alot easier then because at that age, you just have fun because your whole life is ahead of you and you dont have to worry about getting a job. But at 21, you are expected to have a career and live on your own and all that, and if not, you are known as a "lowlife". Thats how I feel myself as, and I still mentaly feel like I am 16 or something. So because of all this, I brainwashed my self that I cant even talk to a girl till I get a job. Or I just use that as an excuse because I am extremely shy and dont even know what to say to girls. Like everyone who has a hard time getting a job, it is my goal to eventualy have a steady one. Having a job and a girlfriend would give me so much confidence, and that is somthing I have absolutly zero of.


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## Johnny1234 (Nov 16, 2006)

I dont believe that for one second. Why? Because if you are in college, you don't need to have a job. What if you are in graduate/medical/law school? Absolutely no time for a job. And if you are not in graduate school, just get a job lol.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Airick10 said:


> Penny said:
> 
> 
> > That is a load of crap. And it actually reveals very shallow thinking on your part. Physical attraction only goes so far, I thought we were talking about RELATIONSHIPS which has to have more than looks involved. It would seem that you are speaking only of getting laid, a big difference.
> ...


No his point is incorrect.

But I can already see where this is going, the ever-so-tired, much done to death argument of women have it easier than men....men with SA suffer and women with SA skate by on their looks and have it "easier"....blah blah blah.

If you want to go through life believing this kind of crap its certainly your right to do so. But that is not reality or how the world works.


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## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

"And if you are not in graduate school, just get a job lol."


If I could just get a job I wouldnt have needed to create this topic.


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm more of a victim than any of you, so shut up! Just shut up!

Why has victimization become a competitive sport? It's obvious white, middle class, males, such as myself, have been unduly mistreated for far too long! I say we group together and revolt! Of course, white males with SA may not get much sympathy, but that's why we have to SPEAK OUT......oh, that's right...the whole SA thing.....Okay, that's why we need to run SA people for office....oh, I forgot again...Oh **** it, we'll all grow beards and stage a revolution, castro-style! Oh, that's right, the beards might make us stand out among our peers -- we don't want that. 

Well, I suppose that leaves us with legos. We can pretend to stage a revolution by playing with legos. Cheer up, comrades. After all, a revolution without legos is a revolution not worth having.


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## srj985 (Aug 21, 2007)

I don't agree that it is harder for a man to get in a relationship being unemployed than a woman. In fact, I know a lot of girls who work who have b/fs that don't. Some of the b/fs are sorry and losers who take advantage of deperate woman and have no problem using them, while some are great guys. While the materialistic woman might not want a man without a job, there are many strong women who have husbands who stay at home. I am a biomedical science major and there are quite a few female professors (biology and chemistry) who have husbands who are stay-at-homes. The closest person as a best friend to me has a mother who works for the U.N. whose husband gave up his job so that the family could relocate to Geneva and he doesn't work. 

You can't make a general rule as it is becoming quite common for the woman to work and husband to stay home. As for the victim stuff, please, you must get past that (we all do), the victim mindset is a downer. 

Personally, would I date someone who is unemployed? It depends. Job security is becoming a thing of the past and many smart, hardworking people find themselves without a job. 

I don't have a problem with a guy not having a job but I don't like taking care of anyone either, so if he were jobless and we were married, he had better keep the house spotless and get up at the same time as me every morning as I am not pleasant to those who get to sleep in. The same goes for women: if I stayed at home, I would make sure the house was clean and all that because that would be my job, unless he was a millionaire and then I would just shop and take lunches in Paris . 

Sorry, guys if I have wondered off the topic as it is 2:41 am and I am perfecting my technique of procrastination.

P.S. All but one of my b/fs were unemployed and it never became an issue, in fact, none of the guys I have dated have even owned their own cars but then again we weren't married and didn't have responsibilities that it involves.


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## davemason2k (Feb 11, 2005)

Penny, you're right. In the longterm no one has an advantage over the other sex. My point is, it's easier for a women with SA to start a relationship than it is for a guy with SA. Why? Because most men approach women they find physically attractive. How many guys do you think say "Gee golly, that Amy girl is real cute, but man, she seems a bit awkward and she's currently unemployed, so I'm gonna have to pass"? Pleaseeee. Now lets reverse the situation. Lets say 2 guys approach a girl. One has SA and one doesn't. One makes real good eye contact, one doesn't, one keeps the conversation interesting, and the other has numerous awkward silences. Please, tell me who will end up with the girl and who will end up sitting at home playing playstation 3. :lol Do you understand my point?


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## srj985 (Aug 21, 2007)

it depends on which one was the cutest


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## Airick10 (May 10, 2007)

davemason2k said:


> career path question marks


This is the main phrase I agree with Dave on. Having a job right here right now is not necessarily the backbreaker. It is if you have a plan. Students are working on a career, so there is a plan. If there is no goal and no ambition, then what is the girl to expect from the guy as far as a long-term boyfriend/husband?


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Hey, that's something everyone can enjoy!


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

davemason2k said:


> Penny, you're right. In the longterm no one has an advantage over the other sex. My point is, it's easier for a women with SA to start a relationship than it is for a guy with SA. Why? Because most men approach women they find physically attractive. How many guys do you think say "Gee golly, that Amy girl is real cute, but man, she seems a bit awkward and she's currently unemployed, so I'm gonna have to pass"? Pleaseeee. Now lets reverse the situation. Lets say 2 guys approach a girl. One has SA and one doesn't. One makes real good eye contact, one doesn't, one keeps the conversation interesting, and the other has numerous awkward silences. Please, tell me who will end up with the girl and who will end up sitting at home playing playstation 3. :lol Do you understand my point?


You are assuming here that all men care about is how a woman looks and while that may be true in your case or some others, I dont believe it is overall. Physical attraction is one facet of any relationship and usually the first feeling but alone it cannot support any kind of real relationship.

And personally I would run as fast as I could from any guy that can ramble on, slick and fast talking. Give me the shyer guy.


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## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

Penny said:


> And personally I would run as fast as I could from any guy that can ramble on, slick and fast talking. Give me the shyer guy.


 Amen to that.


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## winduptoy (Jun 21, 2005)

Like the car thing, I don't care if he has a job or not. Doesn't anyone else want to date someone simply because they are attracted to them and like being around them? Not because they will have a "stable future" or something. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. . .


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## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

winduptoy, I wish there was more girls with your way of thinking.


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## GTI79 (Feb 2, 2004)

Cerberus said:


> Well, I suppose that leaves us with legos. We can pretend to stage a revolution by playing with legos. Cheer up, comrades. After all, a revolution without legos is a revolution not worth having.


 :nw :nw :clap :clap bravo! bravo!


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Isn't this thread kind of missing the point a little? I have SA but I want to work in the end. I know I have to. I don't want to be 30, living at home with my mom without a job. I like to figure that is enough. Technically, I have a job anyway. Plus, I have money.. or did... spent most of it on an apartment I don't live in. Still don't have a g/f, though.

But as one poster mentioned, as long as you aren't one of those guys that takes advantage and uses women.. There is a difference between having SA and not being able to have a job because of that and being some lazy guy that demands money from his g/f for booze or whatever.


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## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

benice, what point is missing from this thread?


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Oh, well, none. I think I just meant that guys here may worry too much about their employment status when it comes to girls. Anyway, would you really want to be with a girl that cared that much about your job?


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I don't think it's unreasonable for a woman to want a guy that has a job.

This is coming from an unemployed guy. Although hopefully it won't be that way for long. :afr


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## LoverBoy (May 9, 2007)

Just get a job =) 

And BTW if my girl is unemployeed she better be doing something with her life. I was unemployeed in HS for a bit because I was doing sports and taking Advanced Placement classes. I just got done with my Chrysler Internship and you better bet my *** I am going to college fulltime and got a temporary job at BK until I find something better. 

Have a passion for SOMETHING and just go for it. 
No slacking allowed.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Unemployment and SA has nothing to do with slacking.


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## LoverBoy (May 9, 2007)

Not working on improving yourself
Not facing your fears
Reacting to your emotions rather than taking charge 

That's what it comes down to. This stuff will be hard. You will go through a lot of pain and emotions. But you will become a better person for it. I went through the same process many of you have to or will choose to go through. It is definitley worth it. 

The choice is yours. And you will get rewarded for accordingly.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Well aren't you special


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## IronMaiden86 (Jun 2, 2006)

LB, did you not read the posts, if I could just "get a job" I would have a f***ing job. This has nothing to do with slacking, you dont know me or my kind.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

njodis said:


> I don't think it's unreasonable for a woman to want a guy that has a job.


...and vice versa.


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## crazyg (Jun 18, 2005)

Penny said:


> davemason2k said:
> 
> 
> > Cmon guys, you know the answer to this. 99 percent of guys are more than willing to overlook employment status, money situation, and confidence problems in a girl as long as she's hot, but if you're guy with any sort of confidence issues or career path question marks, don't expect pity from women. That's why fat girls and SA guys are pretty much screwed. Or not screwed. :afr
> ...


 :clap Bravo. Well said.


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

Does anyone have any ideas of how a person can go about 'showing' to a potential partner that they won't be a leech?

I mean, in my case, I'm disabled, on disability. I'm financially secure. I don't work at all, except maybe the rare odd 'handyman' type job. I'm not a student. I'm not a spender, and even if my partner was making far more money than I, I wouldn't have interest in their money besides a reasonable sharing if the situation allowed for it. I can take care of myself, and could and would do well to take care of the 'household' stuff if my partner was working... including making sure they have a nice meal to come home to and stuff like that. Or even if they or we had a child, I'd do the majority of that work. But, how can I show it? Or explain it? 

I mean, I'm just assuming that a person will assume that I'm either lazy, a leech, has no goals, or won't contribute a fair effort to 'chores' when with a partner.

And when I assume, I make an *** out of... me... but you know what I'm saying.


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## LoverBoy (May 9, 2007)

Why can't you get a job?


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## Sad_ape (May 26, 2007)

My brother and very close friend both got into relationships before they became employed... both have lived with their girlfriends for over 3 years now. I think thats great motivation to start working and bettering your life actually. 

I agree about the confidence and (to a lesser extent maybe) job thing. I've been somewhat lacking in confidence with myself and I get absolutely no sympathy for it at all. Not even from close friends. They all think it's very unattractive (and i think new friends no longer have any interest in me because I'd shown weakness). You can be sensitive, shy, quiet and reserved, and people will still like you, but if you show any sign of being depressed or lacking in confidence people will be repulsed by you (unless you're a famous rockstar or have like 10 million dollars to blow or something...). As a man you're expected to be strong and determined as well as provide security etc... If you're an emotionally depressed wimp no one will want anything to do with you. Sucks and a difficult step to overcome (probably impossible for most of us, hence some of the reasons for social anxiety in the first place) but I think thats the reality of it.


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

LoverBoy said:


> Why can't you get a job?


Are you asking me? :eyes


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## LoverBoy (May 9, 2007)

no the topic creator.

What is stopping you from contributing your time or creating value in exchange for cash?


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## realrage (Jul 11, 2005)

LoverBoy said:


> Why can't you get a job?


Maybe you wouldn't have to ask the question if you did a little research about how the disorder you supposably have affects the people with it.



LoverBoy said:


> Not working on improving yourself


So your assuming that because someone doesn't have a job they are not working on improving themselves? That is absurd.



> Not facing your fears


Again, assuming you know that people are not facing their fears because they are not working. Your simplistic way of thinking is overwelming.



> Reacting to your emotions rather than taking charge


You really seem to believe you have people figured out. In reality you have no idea where people are at in their lives and have no place in judging whether a person is taking charge of their life based on whether they work or not. That is ludicrous. Your mentality frightens me. For some people it is a very long road to becoming employed, one that is a process and obviously harder than you can imagine.



> That's what it comes down to.


What it comes down to is that people all struggle differently. Wouldn't you agree? Because we both agree they do, we would agree their recovery process would be different as well. Which means some people can't hold down jobs because they are not ready yet. These people usually go for treatment for help and work *DAMN* hard day in day out facing their fears. But because people struggle differently it takes some people years of therapy while not working to become ready. Does that mean these people are not working on improving themselves? Or not taking charge? Please answer this question for me.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

That's true because I have a job and in no way am improving myself or facing my fears.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Having a job makes my life miserable. Stay unemployed as long as you can. Ok, maybe not good advice.


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## LoverBoy (May 9, 2007)

I want you to imagine a highschool student who played video games over 10 hours a day. This person was extremely frustrated with his life to the point of cutting himself, getting constantly drunk, not going out to drive, pump gas, pick up dinner, go through fast food drive thrus, and anything else other than going to school and coming home. (He hated school and had a ton of anxiety attacks) He thought about killing himself. He really did not know how to connect with people and could not maintain any healthy relationships with his family or friends because he was so negative and his perceptions of the world were so ****ing skewed. GF? No Any school dances...PFFF hell no. 

....That was me 3 years ago man. Everybody has their own story but I have walked a similar path a lot of you guys are going through right now. And it's fine, everyone will go about this recovery process a different way.

My end goal was to become a well adjusted normal person. And I reached that. And from the recent experiences i have had I have come to find out that you can be unemployeed and in a relationship, but you have to be contributing value in some sort of way.

Maybe your unemployeed because your currently a full time student who is on the football, basketball, or some sort of extra curricular activities. Adding a job on top of that wouldn't make sense. But what value are you contributing to the people around you or society if you play madden/halo3/wow for 10 hours a day, do some chores around the house, and just dabble around everyday? And is that attractive?

The pain period is intense. It can take a much longer time to reach your goals. it is worth soo worth it.

You got to break this stuff down guys. It's just like playing sports, you can't expect to do things that Micheal Jordan or Wayne Gretsky could do in their prime right away. You have to build up to that.

And the only way to do that is to face your fears and to control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. 

Let's say I'm scared as hell to go out and pump gas at a gas station. It's an unfamiliar environment to me and I get a ton of anxiety. What could you do to gradually build up to being able to do it by yourself
-You could go with a friend/family member you feel close with and they stay in the car as you do it and not leave until you do.
-You could go with them as they pay and pump the gas.
-You could just go out with them and let them pay and pump while you stay in the car.

What about for getting a job?
-Go out with a friend/family and have them pick you up an app
-call employeers up to ask if they are hiring/status of application
-have family/friend stay in the car as you pick up an app/ ask if they are hiring
-have family/friend stay in the car as you drop off your app
- practicing job interviews with friends/fam

And then there is the social aspect of having a job itself in which you have to get used to social interactions with coworkers and customers that you may feel really uncomfortable with. Ask yourself what some of those steps are and act on them.

Recognizing what you want to achieve, finding out what steps you need to take, and taking those steps are going to help shape you into a new person. 

You will see things in a totally different way. The world around you will be a different one that you live in now. Yet it will only be because of those new experiences you have and the beliefs you have from them. 

And that's what it comes down to.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Random Word of the Day

Condescending: behaving toward other people in a way that shows you consider yourself socially or intellectually superior to them


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

LoverBoy said:


> I want you to imagine a highschool student who played video games over 10 hours a day. This person was extremely frustrated with his life to the point of cutting himself, getting constantly drunk, not going out to drive, pump gas, pick up dinner, go through fast food drive thrus, and anything else other than going to school and coming home. (He hated school and had a ton of anxiety attacks) He thought about killing himself. He really did not know how to connect with people and could not maintain any healthy relationships with his family or friends because he was so negative and his perceptions of the world were so @#%$ skewed. GF? No Any school dances...PFFF hell no.
> 
> ....That was me 3 years ago man. Everybody has their own story but I have walked a similar path a lot of you guys are going through right now. And it's fine, everyone will go about this recovery process a different way.
> 
> ...


Great post. I'm realizing that we have to _expose_ ourselves to that which we fear. Once we do this enough, we'll realize we really don't have anything to fear at all. Conquering social or any other type of anxiety requires _action_. You can't sit there and be passive, you have to act.


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