# My parents overwork me...



## barbarr (Jan 10, 2014)

Hello!

I'm a high school/teenage student and I just want to express my frustration at how my parents overwork me. Their expectations always seem to be too high.

I guess I'll start with my background. I'm Asian; more specifically, Indian. My parents moved to the US and I was born here. I've grown up primarily with Asian (immigrant) and white middle-class students, and my high school is really competitive because it ranks well among public schools. Ever since elementary school, my parents have focused on academics and made sure I studied and got the highest grades possible. And as long as I can remember since then, I've gotten into trouble when my grades weren't at the TOP, as in A+ kind of top. Thus, they find grades like 96 irritating, while grades like 98 are okay. (And I'm talking about individual assignments, not even overall averages.) But when a grade is "okay" they never say anything or acknowledge I'm working hard; they just protest that I should work harder.

I had a choice at middle school. I could have fallen into my parents expectations, or I could have underperformed and seen what would happen. My logic at the time: since I got lectured or shouted at whenever my grades were low, the best way to make them shut up is to satisfy their expectations, right? So for the past few years, I have been working up to my parents' expectations. Soon enough, they did in fact shut up. The quietest year was 8th grade.

Then high school came along. Our high school does class ranking (which, in my opinion, is one of the worst systems ever developed because it directly pits student against student), so my parents really wanted me to be among the top ten individuals. Like, really really really really wanted me to. When ranks came out at the beginning of 10th grade, I didn't even look at mine because I just didn't want to know my rank. I remember how my mom asked for my rank, and I said I don't know. She demanded I show her my rank card, even though I didn't even know my _own_ rank!

So I gave the rank card to her, and her face immediately twisted into genuine disappointment. Even shame. And in my head I was thinking, "oh my god oh my god I'm in trouble." And she complained, "you're ranked third in your class."

What??!!

So I'm dealing with the kind of parent who's not even satisfied with third rank in a competitive public school. But stupid Sophomore me, thought "Oh maybe it's normal for parents to be that strict, maybe she wants me to work harder." So I sucked it up and worked harder. Ranks come out Junior year, and my rank dropped to fourth. My parents were FURIOUS. It was almost as if they had lost something really really valuable to them, when I dropped rank by one freaking seat. And in the meanwhile, stupid me is thinking, "Okay I'll give them a third chance; they're right and I should work harder."

So Junior year comes. I decided to participate in competitions because my friends were; my parents immediately seized on my interest and demanded I practice, practice, practice, until I become top there too. I ended up winning loads of competitions in math and science and even writing, moving on to state levels and feeling awesome about myself. I even come up on Google Autocomplete now - as a high school student - because of all that competition experience. But every single time, at the end of a competition, my parents would beat me down. They'd say that I didn't try hard enough, and that's why I've never gone to a national tournament. They also said that I'm a shame to the family and that their relatives would be making fun of them, because oh-my-gosh *gasp* their son didn't even win a national competition.

I'm a Senior now. I've finally come to my senses and realized that my parents' expectations are pure bull****. Every time I try, and meet an expectation, they just raise their standards higher so I never truly reach them. I'd compare myself to Tantalus; my parents make me work harder to reach a goal, then move the goal out of the way, and expect me to just work harder in response. And in the end I don't even know what I'm working towards.

When my rank came out at the beginning of this year, I was salutatorian once again. And my parents were, predictably, disappointed. That was my breaking point. I started journaling about how terrible I felt, and I just kept working and working. I still am. During the first semester, I was accepted to a top private school and was really excited. My friends were also happy for me and congratulated me for making it through the uber-selective admissions process. But predictably, my parents were disappointed. Because that school isn't good enough for them, apparently. They're so close minded; they just want some school that's higher on the US News ranking list. For prestige.

But you know what, I don't even care anymore. If I don't get in anywhere else, I will definitely attend the out-of-state college. I'll leave my parents. I WANT to leave my parents. Badly. I eagerly look forward to the day I leave. And they shouldn't expect me to call back often. Ever. Never ever. Because if parents don't want their kids to hate them, they shouldn't MAKE their kids hate them.

I feel like I'm going through some kind of coming-of-age process. I don't want to be controlled by my parents my whole life, and remain robotic and subject to self-blame whenever I don't meet their standards. It's not fair that I had to go through all that pressure - and now, as a 17 year old student, I'm stuck with hatred, self-pity, and a nonexistent social life. Luckily, I've never felt suicidal or even depressed. Just upset. Continually upset.

I wonder what high school would have been like if I had just decided not to conform to my parents' academic expectations. I am sure I'd be much happier right now. I'd be healthier emotionally. And especially, I wouldn't be hating my parents to the degree I am now.

Phew, that felt good to get out of my system.


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## Mask132 (Dec 23, 2013)

I actually read all of this. 

Don't waste your time hating your parents. It's not worth it. Yes, I know it sounds irritating from someone who didn't have to deal with them- but you know what? Soon you'll be 18 and free to do your own thing, so why spend even _more_ time of your life wondering what could have been, and why it happened that way, and blah blah blah? I'm not saying it's easy- on the contrary, it sounds like you've been through a load of b***. I'm just saying, you're young, you're (obviously) smart, you have the grades to chose whatever college you like and the years to chose whatever life you like. You're free. Concentrate on improving yourself in the ways _you_ want instead of the ways your parents want, and let that be your only "revenge".

NOW I MUST ADD SOMETHING FUNNY TO BREAK THE TENSION, BECAUSE THAT SPEECH WAS TOO SERIOUS.


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## yuttayuth (Sep 16, 2013)

I agree with Mask123. It's no worth wondering what your life would have or could have become. Appreciate it, and navigate your own course. Your life definitely sounds frustrating --- and I could imagine the assailed noise from your parents. Prepare and hope for the passage you inspire several months from now.


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## ASB20 (Jun 5, 2013)

It has to be said, I'm sorry: Your parents are *******s. Grade-A *******s.

You've done spectacularly through life so far, and I mean, damn. Those are serious achievements. What your parents are doing is treating you as a tool for their own status and prestige, and that isn't parenting. That's manipulation, and straight-up, they're bad parents.

You're right to say, "Screw them." You've clearly got potential in spades, so do what _you_ can see yourself doing. Leave them in the dust. Blood, ultimately, isn't thicker than water, no matter what the dumb adages might say.


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