# Root Cause



## Brax (Jun 15, 2005)

I've FINALLY really admitted it to myself. And shut up; it was when I was sober. I finally admitted that I'm still afraid that the world is out to destroy me. And I mean everyone, deep down; I'm afraid that you want to destroy me, or that at least you will.

It started out as a defence mechanism. I couldn't trust anyone. That was honestly the world that I was living in. Abuse was something I couldn't avoid. But it became a compulsion, from a willful adaptation to a messed-up situation.

And now I'm programmed this way and I must deprogram myself.

Ain't psychology grand? Well, it isn't psychology's fault. Psychology was set up because human mental ficilities are quite... in need of their own science. Complex motherhumper that is is. 

My psychotherapist said that I have a talent for insight. My ego loves him.

I think that my issue with my homosexuality likely stems largely from the fact that it was mostly males who abused me in school. Sure, the females typically ignored me like the plague, but it was the males who had it in for me so much that they invested much of their time during school to making sure that I knew what hell was like.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Brax said:


> I think that my issue with my homosexuality likely stems largely from the fact that it was mostly males who abused me in school. Sure, the females typically ignored me like the plague, but it was the males who had it in for me so much that they invested much of their time during school to making sure that I knew what hell was like.


Brax,

This is the area you will need to defeat - you see that. The walls against other men will need to be broken down. A lot of the guys who taunted had their own issues - mainly covering up their fear with bravado. I can tell you that there are a lot of decent people out there - a lot of the guys here at SAS are pretty cool. You are a lot more like them than you think :yes.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hi Brax

Your feelings and fears about the world are very similar to my own. I have always found it very difficult to trust and that is a sad thing because it stops us from letting the good ones in, and makes us invest too much time in the bad ones.

I find your posts witty and I think you are a clever dude with a lot of bravery.

Ross


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## Brax (Jun 15, 2005)

Aw thanks =D


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Hey Brax,
These feelings of defensiveness suck, but at least you know possibly the causes. Anyway, in a some ways, no one can vanquish you. You have poetry, images and people who testify and witness to your fighting spirit, talent and growing ability to chart your own emotional path.

I have this too to some extent. My dad was not the best at creating emotional/physical safety, so I have this gnawing feeling that all men are out to met me.

-------
Ross, nice hole in the head, very nice!


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