# Eye Contact Problem



## notcoolzeus (May 25, 2010)

I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with social anxiety and more with OCD but maybe some of you can relate. Well, probably not since I can't even find much on it with google. Anyway, a lot of people have the can't make eye contact problem. Well not me. I have a problem when I'm in a waiting room, on the bus, or really whenever people are around and not talking that I don't know where to focus my eyes. I guess I'm just scared of someone making eye contact back and then me awkwardly looking away. Then I'll start sweating, turning red, and worrying. Yes I know it's irrational but tell that to my mind. No one else thinks about this stuff but it controls me to the point where I hardly leave the house anymore unless I'm drunk. Six months ago I never even thought about it. I was fairly outgoing and comfortable around people. I really don't know what changed in me but I want to change back .

I would love to hear any ideas to improve my situation since I'm pretty miserable right now. If you want to just chime in and say things will get better I'll take that too. I'm trying to be an optimist for once.


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## walkerbonbon (Jun 2, 2010)

So what do you do then? Where do you look? On the bus, you can cetainly focus on the outside, and in waiting rooms, you can casually thumb through a magazine.

So is it the anticipation of eye contact that is making you nervous then?


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## danberado (Apr 22, 2010)

When I'm in public, I have this constant fear of looking in *the general direction* of other people, not to mention eye contact. Its grounded in a fear of people thinking I'm staring at them. If I'm not talking to someone I go to great lengths to position myself so that nobody is in my direct line of sight.

Don't know what would help. Maybe slowing your eye/head movements as you look away, to make it seem more casual and less like you're darting from the eye contact. When you think about it, a millimeter of eye movement would be enough to lose the eye contact and appear that you're looking into space, in an unfocused manner. If you look indifferent people will probably be none the wiser.


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## ctrlaltdelete (May 13, 2010)

Instead of over analyzing and obsessing about appropriate eye contact around others, give yourself a distraction. I find the best way to cope with this is to act like I'm doing something with my cell phone. If you don't have a phone, look out a window or read a magazine or book; work with your settings. Also, if someone does happen to make eye contact with you, don't be the first to break it. It feels less awkward when it's the other person looking away and not you.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

ctrlaltdelete said:


> Instead of over analyzing and obsessing about appropriate eye contact around others, give yourself a distraction. I find the best way to cope with this is to act like I'm doing something with my cell phone. If you don't have a phone, look out a window or read a magazine or book; work with your settings.


^Best method I can think of.

Anyway, the problem I have is that I never know who is okay with eye contact and who is not and I worry about it. This is silly, because I'm no mind reader and I'm only going to be with people for a brief while (maybe even seconds) so who cares? Some people seem to expect eye contact and a greeting and others seem like they just want to be left alone. Sometimes I worry that people think I'm staring at them too. I worry about being creepy. Bleh!


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## dysphoricmaniac420 (Jun 7, 2010)

I'm in the same boat as you, except maybe a little more severe. It really interferes with my life. I cannot make eye contact with anyone, not even my family. I start thinking that they are thinking bad of me.


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## notcoolzeus (May 25, 2010)

Definitely some good advice here. I have tried to preoccupy my thoughts by looking through my phone but I have to go to court ordered hour long AA meetings and it's kinda tough to look at my phone for an hour. Literally the entire hour I'm thinking about where I'm looking. I used to be okay during these meetings too. Anyone have any advice how to get through these without going crazy? And yes I do sit in the back and that helps a little but not enough. God forbid someone sits next to me...


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## JohnMartson (May 31, 2010)

i usually kinda like stare at my desk or into space or something and pretend im thinking deeply about the conversation which i really am anyways
i am a bit worried that i will make awkward eye contact but its usually ok


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## Emanresu (Jun 2, 2010)

I suffer from the same problem as you and I found it very helpful, like previously stated, to distract yourself. Try doing complicated math problems in your head, recite something complicated you've heard, or you can also carry a cell phone or hand held video game around with you.


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## notcoolzeus (May 25, 2010)

My OCD is soo bad that it's almost impossible for me to distract myself from the thoughts. I'll keep trying the distraction method but it hasn't been working so far. Another thing, it's gotten so bad that when I'm with a group of friends and were just talking I don't know where to look. Well, I'll look at whoever's talking but it still is always on my mind. It's especially bad when no one is talking. God I'm so weird.


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## bazinga (Jun 9, 2010)

Focus on one eye, don't shift between eyes so much.
If you're like me and almost never make direct eye contact, just look at a person's lips, eyelids, nose, anything but the eye.

If you try hard at listening, you'll find yourself less distracted by eye contact.


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## 147258 (Dec 19, 2010)

While many are familiar with such vision problems as astigmatism and near/far-sightedness (myopia and presbyopia), many people are not familiar with strabismus. Strabismus is more commonly known as being "cross-eyes" or "having a lazy eye." Strabismus is the designation which covers both of these problems, and it is possible to cure these conditions without the use of eyeglasses or contact lenses.

To define it thoroughly, strabismus is the condition where both eyes are not able to properly wok together in focusing on an object. In order to clearly see things, the eyes must work in tandem to focus and determine distance simultaneously. If you strain your eyes too hard, this can cause a lot of harm, and make the whole process difficult.

When we do not concentrate on an object, our eyes will lose their focus, and they will go off with a mind of their own. One eye may continue to focus, whereas the other will do its own thing. A person can be classified as cross-eyed when one eye is completely in focus and the other is out of focus due to being out of position; a person is classified as having a lazy eye when one eye is in focus, but the other one is much slower in catching up in its focus - when compared to the opposite eye.

During stressful events, our eyes and the muscles surrounding them tend to tense more, and adverse eyes strain is the result. Because of the tension, the muscles around the eye may pull the eyeball in any direction they may feel. There are also times where strabismus can by an unconscious thing. Internal mental distractions can cause the eyes to lose focus and look away from an object. Scientists have shown that the left eye is connected to our emotional side, and the right eye is connected to our thought processes. If you know which eye is your lazy eye, this will greatly help you figure out what your mental distractions may be in losing your focus.

Those who are found to have strabismus are often also found to have the qualities of ADHD - and, they may also be misdiagnosed with ADHD as well. Those who have these problems have a very difficult time trying to be stable with themselves, and they often fight to gain a dominant presence when relating to people. These racing thoughts can prove to make someone feel that they lack self-control, all the while worsening the situation even more.

Strabismus problems can be alleviated by simply relaxing. Once you relax, you will be able to determine exactly what these inner distractions are. Only then will you be able to address the problems and take the necessary steps to fix the issues. Just by resting and giving yourself a break is often all you need to cure the most common vision problems which we all know so well.


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## apartment7 (Aug 25, 2007)

ctrlaltdelete said:


> Also, if someone does happen to make eye contact with you, don't be the first to break it. It feels less awkward when it's the other person looking away and not you.


That's good advice. Suddenly and quickly avertying eye contact looks far worse than gently holding their gaze for a while and slowly moving your eyes away (or letting them break it).

I used to have a massive fear of eye contact. Not actually looking up much, it was easy to believe that everyone was staring at me (which is of course totally irrational).

The way I got over it was to start slowly looking around and finding that hardly anyone was looking at me. In fact I sometimes now look around in crowded rooms and actually want people to look at me so I can test my reaction to it. Not that I stare at anyone for long periods but I'm much better now at scanning the room and getting a feel of who's in there and I notice that other people do the same.

Try experimenting with some fleeting eye contact, catching someone's eye as you look past them or while turning your head. It should become easier. Another good tip is when queuing in a shop, slowly look around you and notice where other people are looking. Some may be looking at you briefly but you'll see most are just looking around idly in exactly the same way you will be doing. If you get anxious, pick something up and study it. Anything to take your focus off of you.

It will all seem daunting at first but if you stick with it, it'll become easier. I used to be so terrified of making eye contact that at work I'd spend all day looking straight ahead at my work station, I'd also avoid queuing in shops as the combination of the cashier and other people around me was almost unbearable. If I can improve, and I have greatly, then there's a good chance you can too.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

Guys I have really bad eye contact problems too and I hate to say it but these methods while helpful in the short term only enforce the behavior of avoidance. Ive been trying to make eye contact a lot more and just deal with the stress.... along with some therapy and meds. Its helped a lot more then when I was just fake looking at my cell phone or staring at the ground all the time.v


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

Having trouble keeping eye contact is a common symptom of autism.


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## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

dysphoricmaniac420 said:


> I'm in the same boat as you, except maybe a little more severe. It really interferes with my life. I cannot make eye contact with anyone, not even my family. I start thinking that they are thinking bad of me.


That sounds like me.


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## paleocountry (Jun 15, 2012)

*Speakers have a choice*

Whether they know it or not, speakers have a choice. They can either have me look them in the eye and miss everything they say, or look at their mouth and have me listen well. Eye contact is so distracting that I don't hear, remember or understand what they are saying. If people actually want to be heard, they need to be willing to have me look at their mouth while they are talking. I care a lot about hearing what people say, understanding it and responding to what they have said if that is appropriate.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

My ADHD/abuse problems even in preschool affected my ability of eye contact.










There can be many reasons for having difficulty making eye contact. It's an important part of nonverbal communication. The way I deal with it is that I try to smile, think positive.


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