# Don't you just hate it to be the Second Option?



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

I just hate it when I am put as a second option, or plan b. Like if this person isn't available, you would be the fallback. Why can't people treat you as a priority and not a fallback option? If only people treat others like that, they won't be feeling **** about themselves. They would not feel less important. Sorry guys. Just venting. Ugggh


----------



## FunkyFedoras (Aug 30, 2013)

Sorry! I can't say I've been where you have, but your story is still completely relatable. Those times suck but I guess the only thing you can do is continue to build your relationship with the person until you're choice #1


----------



## T Studdly (Jul 20, 2013)

I was always plan B too >:/


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

FunkyFedoras said:


> Sorry! I can't say I've been where you have, but your story is still completely relatable. Those times suck but I guess the only thing you can do is continue to build your relationship with the person until you're choice #1


First, thanks for responding. And yeah. I guess that is the only way to deal with it. People can be so ungrateful sometimes though that all your efforts are put aside because they know that you'll be there when they have no one to run to.


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

T Studdly said:


> I was always plan B too >:/


And don't you just hate that? I can never count how many times people put me as plan B. Even online. A lot of times, I try to continue with the conversation but when someone's online, they just ignore you completely. geez.


----------



## lordseshomaru86 (Aug 13, 2013)

I was the "plan B" best man at my friends wedding, and he still had me in the ceremony (I believe it was out of pity). I felt so embarrassed just standing there like an idiot while the "real" best man got to hold the rings, stand with the couple, and do all the best man stuff


----------



## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm always second. Second choice for friends and third wheel when I'm hanging out with more than one of them. I hate it. I try to treat my friends equally, especially since I don't have best friend.


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

lordseshomaru86 said:


> I was the "plan B" best man at my friends wedding, and he still had me in the ceremony (I believe it was out of pity). I felt so embarrassed just standing there like an idiot while the "real" best man got to hold the rings, stand with the couple, and do all the best man stuff


I think it was nice of your friend to include you on the wedding. But he should've given you some part. And don't think that it was pity. Think positive. He included you because he wants you there.


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

Ntln said:


> I'm always second. Second choice for friends and third wheel when I'm hanging out with more than one of them. I hate it. I try to treat my friends equally, especially since I don't have best friend.


Same! Because I'm the only one without a girlfriend. So I can be the third wheel. lol. I try to joke though. When I'm anxiouys or depressed or even mad. I always joke, can be offensive most of the time though. :|


----------



## dreamingescape (Sep 1, 2013)

I feel the same


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

dreamingescape said:


> I feel the same


:rub


----------



## T Studdly (Jul 20, 2013)

jap said:


> And don't you just hate that? I can never count how many times people put me as plan B. Even online. A lot of times, I try to continue with the conversation but when someone's online, they just ignore you completely. geez.


I do, it really hurts my feelings, my old friend did that to me too, I guess I was just the "loser friend" to him.


----------



## Sky High (Aug 26, 2013)

It's relatable, and I think to more people than most people think. I have a friend that exhibits this behaviour as well and while we do still go out occasionally, it's not as much as before. That's just because I'm not a fan of being someone's plan B all the time, so I won't be as active towards a person like that. Basically, if I become your Plan B, you become my Plan B. Simple enough, and that way I don't have to feel **** about it.


----------



## Mustafa (Aug 15, 2012)

Being a lonely sometimes has it benefits when you are socially awkward. You wont have to deal with problems like that. Ha.


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

Sky High said:


> It's relatable, and I think to more people than most people think. I have a friend that exhibits this behaviour as well and while we do still go out occasionally, it's not as much as before. That's just because I'm not a fan of being someone's plan B all the time, so I won't be as active towards a person like that. Basically, if I become your Plan B, you become my Plan B. Simple enough, and that way I don't have to feel **** about it.


Wow, that does sound like a good advice. Thanks!


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

Mustafa said:


> Being a lonely sometimes has it benefits when you are socially awkward. You wont have to deal with problems like that. Ha.


sure yeah. But being lonely kinda triggers my depression. :s But thanks for responding


----------



## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

It's happened to me, too. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm not even second choice, but more likely the last option. It's as if I'm just a way for them to kill time. I've even spent time with "friends" who seemed to forget I was even there. Similar to Sky High, I would spend less time with these people. You can often tell when others aren't that interested in you and are just using you as some kind of place-holder. That makes me withdraw. They clearly don't want to be around me and I don't want to be hurt, so I tend to stay away.


----------



## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

I don't think I've been plan anything with the girls I fall for

Off to hijack that bus full of cheerleaders again I guess


----------



## Erik20 (Jul 31, 2013)

TryingMara said:


> It's happened to me, too. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm not even second choice, but more likely the last option. It's as if I'm just a way for them to kill time. I've even spent time with "friends" who seemed to forget I was even there. Similar to Sky High, I would spend less time with these people. You can often tell when others aren't that interested in you and are just using you as some kind of place-holder. That makes me withdraw. They clearly don't want to be around me and I don't want to be hurt, so I tend to stay away.


I notice it when they never seem to have time to hang out, but when they do, it's something lame like just lunch. Meanwhile you can see on Facebook all the "fun" they're having with other people.

Reminds me of a while ago when a friend asked me to "catch up." I hadn't seen her for almost a year because she cancelled on a lot of our plans. We agreed to meet at the university that we both go to, since she had to go talk to a teacher. I assumed we would spend a couple of hours together because we hadn't seen each other for so long.
However after about half an hour her boyfriend called, apparently they already planned to go to the movies.

So yeah, that really felt like she just had some time to kill so she might as well finally hang out with me to get that over with.


----------



## Glass Child (Feb 28, 2013)

I had someone use me once as a backup 'friend' and call me terrible things after helping them.
Now they have no one :'D


----------



## Valtron (Jul 6, 2013)

YES!!!! Story of my life. I feel like people have other better friends. I'll admit that's part of the appeal of a romantic relationship to me; knowing that I can't be replaced. That's also why I love having pets. They don't replace you. And family too. 

Friends will come and go, that's why I've learned to be my own best friend (as cliche as that is). I've gone out alone to events and have been fine. Don't need anyone.


----------



## Scarlett0 (Jul 15, 2013)

That happened to me in high school. My "best friend" did that to me. I realized because all through our so- called friendship she overpowered me. She was always just talking about herself and I was always supporting her with advice and I'd always apologize and make things up to her whenever she was jealous of me. It was ridiculous. I hated seeing her mad when she was jealous and she'd put me in a situation where I'd have to feel guilty. And it really made no sense why I was her "friend" for so long. But I'd be second option at times because that's the message I sent out. I was always so nice and supportive and people who aren't your real friends will take advantage of that and make you feel less than what you are. Don't make it seem like you rely on that person either. Make sure that person knows that you have other friends and will leave the friendship if he or she does anything to question your friendship. Everyone just know when you're being taken advantage of and end the friendship. Better to have no friends.


----------



## Wishful78 (Sep 2, 2013)

I hear ya Jap. I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend. Realize that only you have the option not to be plan B. Perhaps due to your depression, you'll change around your schedule to hang out with said friend or perhaps they realize that you're "always available." Find something else more productive or fulfilling in your life.


----------



## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

I was pretty much always second/last option, but then I got to the point of rejecting or preventing any friendships from happening. It seemed much better to just not put myself in that position anymore...of constantly feeling hurt by my friends. However, now I wish I didn't have such a wall up. It's extremely difficult to change.


----------



## Erik20 (Jul 31, 2013)

Damn I think I just got ditched and it reminded me of this thread.
A friend of mine invited me to her graduation. Afterwards we would all eat and have some drinks at her place. I would arrive a little bit later at the "party" because I had to quickly take care of something.

Anyway, when I finally arrived at her place I hit the buzzer but no response, tried a couple of more times still nothing. I also called her about 5 times in the hour that I was waiting for her outside but she didn't pick up. Sent a text saying I was at her place. After that I decided to just go home. I had a missed call from her on my way home, so I called her back... Three times. Again no luck...

She just texted me hours later saying "I don't know what happened...no problems with the buzzer... blah blah blah, but didn't mention all my calls.
I don't really understand it because she invited me. And it also bothers me that even if it was a huge misunderstanding, she knew I was supposed to be there, but didn't wonder what was taking me so long. There weren't that many people so it would be noticeable.
Btw I normally wouldn't call this much but it takes me about an hour to get home so I had to be sure.


----------



## corbeaublanc (Jan 29, 2013)

plan b? No...since it is likely that these friends have other friends. More likely plan D.. ...D for depressing. So what-I can't be fun just because you don't see me as fun/talkative/etc? People don't give others a chance


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

corbeaublanc said:


> plan b? No...since it is likely that these friends have other friends. More likely plan D.. ...D for depressing. So what-I can't be fun just because you don't see me as fun/talkative/etc? People don't give others a chance


^ ;~;


----------



## JustRachel (May 22, 2013)

I've been plan Z since I've been "ill". My 'friend' made that obvious when she asked me to do something with her and said she'd already asked her and her and her and her so there's nobody else. Her exact words, well including there names. Great feeling isn't it :lol


----------



## teopap (May 12, 2013)

It happened recently. I was the plan B. They were my ex-friends (from my college). They decided to call me for a coffee, (later I realized some of their friends were away for holidays, so that's why they called me) but after this they did not want even to answer me to facebook and tried to avoid me. It's funny, because when we were close friends, I was a priority for them. Now, things are changed.

People always dissapoint me, always. That's why I don't want to have any friends.


----------



## Rufiko (Sep 8, 2013)

Scarlett0 said:


> That happened to me in high school. My "best friend" did that to me. I realized because all through our so- called friendship she overpowered me. She was always just talking about herself and I was always supporting her with advice and I'd always apologize and make things up to her whenever she was jealous of me. It was ridiculous. I hated seeing her mad when she was jealous and she'd put me in a situation where I'd have to feel guilty. And it really made no sense why I was her "friend" for so long. But I'd be second option at times because that's the message I sent out. I was always so nice and supportive and people who aren't your real friends will take advantage of that and make you feel less than what you are. Don't make it seem like you rely on that person either. Make sure that person knows that you have other friends and will leave the friendship if he or she does anything to question your friendship. Everyone just know when you're being taken advantage of and end the friendship. Better to have no friends.


OMG IVE BEEN IN THAT SITUATION :um


----------



## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I can understand how that would feel. I've never been 'plan B' for a sexual or romantic situation though. I've been, plan A, and I've been... plan.... not a plan.


----------



## carolinexo (May 12, 2013)

Scarlett0 said:


> That happened to me in high school. My "best friend" did that to me. I realized because all through our so- called friendship she overpowered me. She was always just talking about herself and I was always supporting her with advice and I'd always apologize and make things up to her whenever she was jealous of me. It was ridiculous. I hated seeing her mad when she was jealous and she'd put me in a situation where I'd have to feel guilty. And it really made no sense why I was her "friend" for so long. But I'd be second option at times because that's the message I sent out. I was always so nice and supportive and people who aren't your real friends will take advantage of that and make you feel less than what you are. Don't make it seem like you rely on that person either. Make sure that person knows that you have other friends and will leave the friendship if he or she does anything to question your friendship. Everyone just know when you're being taken advantage of and end the friendship. Better to have no friends.


^ This was exactly what happened to me when I was in high school. I was friends with her for 3 years & I finally decided to leave our friendship for good.


----------



## nerak67 (Jul 27, 2008)

I have a friend who does this to me all the time. She wants to do things with me when she can't get a date. I always went along until lately when I've stopped being available. I guess I'm being a little passive aggressive but .....


----------



## TrueAstralKnight (Jun 23, 2012)

"I really need a friend right now"

I've lost track of how many times one girl has sent me this and yet when I want to talk with her heart to heart, she's never available. Yet I still put up with her because I have no one else.


----------



## hulkamaniak (Mar 21, 2008)

Yep, and it is blatantly obvious. If my friend cant find someone else to hang with, he hangs with me and we have a good time. In the rare situation I end up with him and his other friend we barely even talk and they just chill - so I can obviously see I am just a back up option


----------



## Frequence (Aug 29, 2013)

Yeah I only have one friend, and I'm his only friend as well, so I never have that problem. But hit me up on Skype if you wanna talk. ;L


----------



## rikkie (Sep 27, 2013)

Whenever I'm put in that situation, I try to remind myself that being second is better than nothing. Granted I just say that to feel better.
I've been in both places--being the second option and having someone as the second option. It's never fun. The fact that I know how much it sucks to be the second option makes me feel much worse when I do it to someone.


----------



## Michael M88 (Oct 1, 2013)

I'm usually not an option what-so-ever.


----------



## jap (Jul 1, 2013)

Yeah. Kind off hard when your friend has another friend. Then they prioritise the other friend instead of you. Bummer but that's life D:


----------



## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

yeah it sucks. I rather not be friends with anyone until I find one that will be worth the time. What scares me is that if I leave the friends I have now I wont have anyone.


----------



## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Yeah...


----------



## VeMuñeca (Sep 5, 2013)

That's why I no longer want friends. I do it to protect myself. I am tired of being the ignored one and being the person who gets called boring.


----------



## weekendoffender (Oct 13, 2013)

It completely sucks, I used to have two "best friends" who started leaving me out as a third wheel. Back in high school when they started getting more "popular" friends who drank and smoked, they completely ditched me. They didn't invite me to Knott's Scary Farm, which we went to every Halloween, they stopped talking to me, talked trash behind my back and even stopped saying hi to me in the hallways. It made me feel like crap since I knew that I never did anything to either of them. Ever since then it seems like I have never been someone's priority but rather, their back up plan.


----------



## AshleyAnn (Sep 15, 2013)

I know the feeling :/ Never fun to be the plan B friend.


----------



## EternalTime (Oct 10, 2013)

Yeah it sucks pretty bad, I've had quite a few 'friends' in the past treat me that way


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I don't make a very good second option since I need to know at least a day beforehand. My sleeping cycle is always effed up so I need to prepare plus it takes me forever to get ready.


----------



## Conquer Fear (Aug 11, 2013)

I have had only one friend in the last decade, we have been to hundreds of games together, but that was the extent of the friendship. Over the last few years, it has become painfully obvious I am a plan B, C, or D. He tells me about hanging out with his other friends when I see him. During that time, he basically ignored my calls or never called me. He then tells me now that he has almost no friends and I am completely available to hang out and he could care less. 

I even told him, I don't see the point, I only see him about 4 times a year. He acted surprised but not really concerned, and still wanted limited contact. 

The whole thing pisses me off so much, on one hand, I have no other friends, but I phucking hate being ignored and want him out of my life so I don't have to feel so worthless.


----------

