# Talking to strangers in public



## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

I have anxiety talking to strangers. I want to start chatting up women and getting their numbers, hopefully by next weekend. Here is my list of exposure goals:


Say hello to every person I walk by on the trail
Tell parents I have social anxiety
Speak first to a cashier, say "How's it going" to a cashier, and maintain as much eye contact as possible
Ask retail store workers questions, like if they have a job opening (even though I don't need a job)
Giving nonsexual compliments to random people (Nice hat!)
Stopping attractive women and asking for their numbers
I will update this thread with my experiences.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

"


Stopping attractive women and asking for their numbers"

Why dont you try the ones already stopped, i wouldnt stop any walking in the street its just not natural. Instead hit places where they are in a fixed spot, this will give you time to first atleast make some eye contact, and convey interest, instead of jumping on her while she is walking around.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I don't suggest you all of a sudden stop attractive women and ask them for their number especially if they are at a grocery store trying to run errands. I know some women who get annoyed when men do that. How about you try to have a friendly conversation with them first before asking them for their number.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

Paloma M said:


> I don't suggest you all of a sudden stop attractive women and ask them for their number especially if they are at a grocery store trying to run errands. I know some women who get annoyed when men do that. How about you try to have a friendly conversation with them first before asking them for their number.


lol or even making eye contact


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

*Daily update: Monday*

- Random exposure: Talking to Jehovah's Witness at my door

I was not that nervous because I have had lots of religious debates. I've never had one of this nature however (at home, not at college). I told the Jehovah's Witness that I didn't believe in the Bible, and considered it as ancient literature like the Epic of Gilgamesh. We talked a bit more and then he gave me some booklets and left. No regrets there.

- Telling parents I have social anxiety

At dinner my family talked mostly about my younger brother's eagle scout project, and how he isn't taking initiative with it. I know he has social anxiety, but I've so far been too nervous to tell my parents that I have social anxiety and that he probably does to. This dinner would have been the perfect opportunity, but I couldn't do it. An anxiety-increasing factor may have been that fact that my mother had an angry outburst at me when I told the family about my discussion with the JW as I mentioned previously.

NAT: My parents will ask me to explain what SA is, and this will result in me shaking and choking up or even crying as I recount to them how my life has been wasted. 
Questioning NAT: All I have to say is, "_____ probably has social anxiety, like me." Whatever questions they ask I will be able to answer to my own discretion. I will be able to avoid mentioning all of my sadness and disappointment and thus the chance of me breaking down is low.

- Saying hello to strangers on trail

I rode my bike to a lake where lots of people walk. I was already nervous, but I also realized that I smelled bad. This convinced me to turn back and try again tomorrow. This would have been a NAT, but I think that I actually did smell bad. Tomorrow I will drive to the lake.

- Saying "how's it going" to a cashier

I've been putting off doing this because it seems to be the hardest.

NAT: You don't actually need to buy anything because your mom buys groceries. The cashier will pick up on your nervousness and the fact that you are buying only a couple items and will feel creeped out. She will think you are hitting on her.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

*Tuesday*

- Good, how are you?

Hairstylist asks me "How are you?" I say, "Good, how are you?" I find this difficult to say. I usually just say "Good"

Cashier says "Hi how are you" "Alright" I respond. I should have said "Good, how are you?" but I was too nervous. This is a stepping stone towards saying "How's it going" to a cashier.

- Saying hello to strangers on trail

I drove to the lake. My parents don't know about exposures, so I told them I was going disk golfing. I way overestimated my ability to do this exposure. I thought that it would be easy. Evidently I wasn't motivated enough, or didn't do enough exposures to build up to this one.

NAT: Men will think you are hitting on their wives/gfs. People will ignore you and think you are a pathetic freak.

- Telling parents I have social anxiety

The whole family didn't eat together, so I might as well wait until I can tell them all at once.


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## DreamBig (May 23, 2012)

I have the same problems you have but I'm feeling more confident everyday. The hardest one for me would definitely be telling my parents I have S.A.D, talk about awkward conversations. Good luck with your endeavors. Your making some good progress!
And on a side note, I when someone asked me"How are you?", I responded "Good, how are you?"; it was the first time in my life I did that. Like you, I always said good.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

*Wednesday*

- Random Exposure: Phone call from prospective employer

An employer called me. His phone cut out or something or he hung up. I waited 30 minutes until I called his cellphone back. Part of that time was spent researching the company, because I was afraid he would ask if I had any questions about the company. Then I got nervous: would he be annoyed I waited so long? Was he put off by my conversation so he hung up? I didn't call his other phone after he didn't answer his cellphone, but I should have.

- [X] Saying hello to strangers

1) Spent half hour walking on neighborhood trail. walked by woman on bench. Did not say hello. NAT: I will be stone-faced and monotone, and she will be creeped out.

2) Went back to trail. Said hello to two people. IDK what compelled me to finally do it, but I did it.

3) Once I completed this, I realized I could go to the lake. The lake is different because it has lots of people on it, and some of them looked threatening to me (lower class youths). Also in more crowded places, it is less normal to say hello.
Surprisingly, I did it. At first I walked around without saying hello to anyone. It was hard to make that first hello, but then it was easy. NAT: People will think you are singling them out.
Once I said the first Hello, I could convince myself that people knew I was not being creepy because they could see I was saying hello to everyone. And then I no longer cared if people said hello back. When people ignored me was actually the funniest part, and not the horrendously embarassing thing I imagined. Far more people responded than I had thought would, and my vocal delivery seemed far better than I expected. The NAT that I will come across as a robot is totally unfounded, at least in this domain.

- Saying "how's it going" to a cashier

1) Said hello first to cashier. Next time, I will say "Hi, how's it going" or just "how's it going" in such a situation.

2) On the high of my lake experience, I went to the grocery. I could have said HIG (hows it going) but didn't. NAT: Your speech will me mechanical and sound like a robot. the cashier will think you are needy and interested in him. Nearby customers and workers will overhear you.(this didn't bother me at the lake because that was not near my house. At this local grocery there is greater chance of seeing people again)

3) I also went to Walmart. NAT: You have one item. People will think you are weird if you go to the cashier and not the self-serve. (This is actually rational IMHO. Therefore I will no longer visit WalMart or places with self-serve)

A complication of this exposure: I don't actually do my own grocery shopping, my mom does. So I just buy random single items, which adds to my unease. I feel like a sociopath trying to start conversations with teenage cashiers.

TODO: Tell my parents what I did at the lake, and use it to transition to my SA. Ask my mom to let me do the grocery shopping. Visit a gas station or other stores and say HIG to worker. Call prospetive employer.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

*Thursday*

- [X] Telling my parents I have SA.

I think I was able to do it because I had a good opening topic to lead to SA. I told them about saying hi to everyone at the lake. Then I told them I was doing it as part of an exposure therapy regimen that I had forced myself to do because of my social anxiety. We had a great conversation. Now I don't have to be secretive about doing exposures. I asked my mom if I could buy the groceries in order to interact with cashiers. I also brought up my concern that my brother might have SA.

-[ ] Saying HIG to cashier

Only went to cashier once. It was more awkward for me because the cashier was a transvestite, I think. NAT: ppl will think I'm hitting on a transgender.

TODO Friday: Talking to cashiers - Grocery shopping? Asking ppl in mall for directions? Asking managers at stores about job openings? Saying hi to everyone at the local trail?


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## One Man Wolfpack (Aug 11, 2011)

Congrats on telling your parents, I don't think I could ever do that. 

I'm going to try talking to cashiers whenever I have the chance from now on, also saying hello to people I pass when I go for a walk.


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## SupaDupaFly (Sep 1, 2011)

wow your gonna stop attractive women and ask for their number? you my friend have balls. wish I would even have the courage to even THINK that!


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

*Hi.*



lokor said:


> NAT: Men will think you are hitting on their wives/gfs.


I think it might be best if you just try ladies without partners - or at least ones that don't have them with them? Probably a good idea, Buddy.

Btw - what does NAT mean?


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

don36:
A NAT is a Negative Automatic Thought. It's one of the confabulated reasons that you give yourself for not doing something (when in reality you are just afraid and creating excuses). CBT involves recognizing these NATs and questioning them, and then testing them in "exposures" by interacting in the real world. By doing this you are supposed to recondition your mind by providing feedback on its error.
When I had worse SA I spent a lot of time reading psychotherapy books in the library.

Before and during an exposure, I am filled with NATs. I have learned to treat them as if they were drug-induced hallucinations.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Ok, no worries - thanks for the info - let us know how you get on with the experiment.

Btw mate, I think it's a pretty amazing thing to do too - it takes a lot of courage to approach people like that. Good for you!


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## Openyoureyes (Jun 13, 2012)

I think you had some big goals for yourself and I'm glad you told your parents. I could never man up and do that lol. It would be just too awkward. Oh, but I actually like talking to cashiers. Only if I feel confident that day.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

I'm not going to update this every day anymore - just on days that I do something worth sharing.

- [ ] Talking to women at Farmer's Market

This was a failure. I walked around and looked at all the hot women, occasionally following single women or two women and then chickening out. I aimed to high, I think. I've stopped strangers before and even started conversations with strangers, but never on a sexual/romantic level. I think my problem was that I was unwilling to do any practice exposures to build my confidence - eg, asking for directions, asking for change, giving complements.
The only benefit of doing this was that it was a kind of "recon" mission. I thought of lots of plans and ideas while walking around creepily. For instance, I realized that next time I need to set much more discrete goals: in the first hour I must speak to at least one woman. And, I need to set punishments for not completing my goals. This is something I learned from the website http://blog.beeminder.com/akrasia/. If I don't complete my goal (barring unavoidable circumstances), then I must lose five dollars by leaving it in an envelope on the sidewalk. The idea is that humans are more averse to loss than gain. Losing five dollars to me is like losing a book, and I can't stand that because I love books. I've tried this with other exposures, and it seems to work well.

So my goals for next week are:
[ ] Tell a woman she is attractive within the first hour of being at the market
[ ] Talk to at least two women in the next 45 minutes of being at the market

Both carry the fine of $5 if not completed.

NAT: I am not worried about what the women will think of me when I approach them - I'm afraid that a nearby man will attack me, or I will talk to minors by mistake and everyone around will think I'm a pervert.
(In reality, it is very unlikely that any of the women I approach are under age, and if one is, I would just move on)
(And who cares if people think I'm weird for hitting on them - I've done more bizarre things)


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

*First Attempt at Chatting up the Ladies*

I just went to the market for the third time. I finally got the nerve to talk to two women. The conversation went like this:

"Excuse me, don't take this the wrong way, but you guys are the hottest women I have seen in the last twenty or so minutes and I had to talk to you. My Names ____"

"I'm ____" shake her hand. "____" says her friend, not shaking my hand because she has her hands full.

"We are just waiting for a friend." One says "What are you doing?"

"I am talking to people. And trying to barter with the store owners."

"Oh, that's a good idea."

Silence. My mind was utterly blank. I have watched what are called daygame pickup videos on youtube and what an expert would have done in this situation is ask if they had BFs or any random question. But I either couldn't think of this or was afraid to ask a question. They said they had to go on and I said goodbye to them.

This is the first time I have ever hit on a woman! Although the awkward end makes it a little incomplete.

I have spent HOURS trying to approach women in the market. I just happened to see these two hot women standing alone in a relatively uncrowded area. The next step: stopping women who are walking in crowded areas.

As often happens when I talk to people in public, the people outside us disappear from my mind. This is the opposite of how I feel when I am about to approach the person. I think that all the people around are going to disturb me. I guess this is my brain trying to assess the situation before I go into it, because it knows that I will not be aware of the potential threats as I am talking.

Another note: I have found that the monetary penalties for not completing exposures, which I mentioned in the previous post, does not work. It's not that I can't give up the money, it's that it doesn't compel me to do the exposures. However, it does work well for other goals, like reducing sugar intake. I believe that the penalty emphasizes the negative consequences of an action. You tend to be over-positive when eating food, thinking that it won't harm you; thus, you need the negative emphasis. Anxiety involves an excessively negative filter on reality, so I can see how monetary penalties for not completing exposures would not work well. You can't motivate yourself to be friendly by saying to yourself, "bad things will happen if I don't do this." But my opinion may change.


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## windchimes (Jun 26, 2012)

A safe way I have met people, where you dont have to talk long but you can work on your SA with are garage sales, I have come a long way in learning how to neg and talk with people and have basic short conversations, and I love to get a good deal at the same time.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

windchimes- thanks. Similar things I have done are asking about job openings at stores or asking about the lost and found at stores.


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

Another update-

I seem to be in a slump - that is, I haven't been making much progress lately. Today I went to the market and didn't approach any women. The reasons may be as follows:

1) I did not do enough pre-exposures during the week before. In fact, whenever I tried to do an exposure the week before (such as ask for a job opening), I would turn tail and run. This may have reinforced my avoidance tendency. I found myself avoiding following a woman _immediately_, which would result in me losing sight of the woman.

2) I jacked off to porn the night before. This may explain the lack of drive I noticed today. I am considering giving up porn because it seems to lessen my drive for real women. I am starting to notice that certain behaviors seem to weaken my willpower and make me more likely to avoid social situations or eat unhealthy food. Porn is one of them. IDK if it's just porn or porn and masturbation.

3) I have not improved much since last week, and last week I only approached one set of women who happened to be in a good location where people were not surrounding them. I still have to get over the fear of public humiliation. (Perhaps plan non-sexual comments, unlike the pickup artists I am watching now, and just ask for a date)

4) It was extremely hot today, and I got tired of repeatedly following women.

5) I'm starting to reach an impasse. Now that I am looking for a real job, I feel much less safe when I am humiliating myself by doing bizarre exposures. The people who are offended by my behavior (like wearing offensive tshirts), may end up being coworkers. And my parents are very conservative. I don't feel like I can tell them that I am only interested in one-night stands and open relationships. Telling them _that_ would be a huge exposure in itself. I feel really creepy going to stores and malls and looking for women to hit on. I wish I could go to a bar or club, but I feel like I would need a wingman for that.

6) There are few hot women walking around by themselves. I don't want to approach women who have family or ugly friends with them. And I look even creepier looking around for women and determining if they are alone.

7) Recently I was at an orientation for something and the boss said that you should never give out your phone number to strangers. This made me feel more guilty about hitting on women.

New todos:
No jacking off until I have CA (cold approached) five women
No porn until I have CA 50 times
Find volunteering activity
20 minute meditation every day

Oh, and I'm just going to post updates on my blog on this forum from now on.


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## Fry3thousand (Mar 5, 2012)

That's great you chose goals to focus on, I wish you luck. That's already great you could talk to women at the market.


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## MrFlay (Jul 14, 2012)

Hi lokor, how's it going?

Congratulations. I'm very impressed with your progress! Taking the initiative to talk to strangers is something I've always found very hard to do. In real life or even on the phone. Heck, I rarely even take the initiative to call up my friends... And it sucks to have to wait for people to engage me.

I've been wanting to do something very similar to thing you're doing, but I've always felt like I'd be intruding on their personal space or something. I dont want them to dislike or even hate me just because I disturbed them at the wrong time. It's hard for me to do anything other people don't expect me to do... (I'm almost okay with calling my hairdresser to book time for a haircut - because that's what she expects of me when she picks up the phone, I guess)

I have read that if you don't expect to get anything from the situation, you'd feel less anxious. But I can't help it. I'm worried about what other people around me will think of me.

I have the best intentions before leaving the house, but I never manage to build up the nerve. I really want to be indifferent if they like me or not. Do you have any tips or tricks other than fining yourself for not completing your goals? 

Anyways, please keep at it and write more about your adventures. Remember to celebrate even small victories and try not to be hard on yourself for failing. Easier said than done, I know 

Thanks for reading.


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## Mlochail (Jul 11, 2012)

I really like the goal setting. But if you don't mind I would like to point some things out.

Giving nonsexual compliments to random people (Nice hat!) 
Personally if I was walking the street and some random person would say that to me, I would think they are mocking me rather then really liking my cap. If I'm talking to someone and they do it then, that's different.

Stopping attractive women and asking for their numbers 
I would not suggest you doing this, unless you are standing next to someone and get a bit of a convo going and then it might be ok (not sure myself as I'm socially retarded)

Good luck mate =)


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## lokor (Dec 21, 2011)

Mr. Flay-
Actually I've stopped fining myself because it doesn't work that well. It seemed to be working for a while, but then I accumulated so many fines that I wasn't willing to pay them off. It's not really possible for me to prove either way if fines work. But to answer you about gaining the nerve, I can say that doing progressively larger exposures will help alot. So if talking to random women scares you, prepare for it by asking a random person where they got something, or the time, etc.

Moasim-
I agree that the giving random compliments is pretty awkward. It's really just a preparation for talking to strangers. I'm trying to move away from such "humiliation" exposures. But I don't think approaching women in public places is bad. What many people don't realize is that many women enjoy being approached and flirted with, as long as it is done in the right way. Imagine you saw someone doing



 



 or 



 Was anyone hurt in this situation?

To answer both of your questions, though the exposures I'm doing are very "painful" and difficult, the prime motivation is that I need to build my social skills and exposures are a necessary part of doing this


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## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

I would advise that you should not forget the first steps and keep doing it. If you focus too much on advanced exposures, you may set back to the beginning.


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