# Being too nice to girls at university



## .95596 (Aug 24, 2012)

I think I am being too nice and polite to girls at my university. One girl in particular that I am interested in and that I kind of have a crush. I have been sending her and others old exams, typing up study guides for exams, and helping with any questions concerning the material in labs or lecture amongst other things. 

But I feel that I am being too nice and I was wondering if it is a turn-off to girls when a guy is too polite. I have an inkling that my being altruistic and helping her out might be a turn-off. It is not as if I have "crossed the Rubicon" by any means and have overstepped any boundaries with her. I guess I just want her to like me and I in turn am helping her out to show her that I like her.

I am not sure if she has reciprocated any interest, but she texted me today saying that she wanted to be in a lab with me next semester, but couldn't get an override from the professor to get into the already filled class.

Maybe this is a sign that she might like me, but I am helpless when it comes to deciphering subtle messages when it comes to social situations with the opposite sex... that coupled with my social ineptitude.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Politeness is a turn-on. However, I'm kind of curious--why are you sending her old exams and typing up study guides? That's not being "nice," exactly. It's trying a bit too hard, I'd say. And if you try too hard, people might take advantage of you or become just plain confused. Scale it back a bit.


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## .95596 (Aug 24, 2012)

pita said:


> Politeness is a turn-on. However, I'm kind of curious--why are you sending her old exams and typing up study guides? That's not being "nice," exactly. It's trying a bit too hard, I'd say. And if you try too hard, people might take advantage of you or become just plain confused. Scale it back a bit.


Yeah, I guess it is a bit desperate. But I want people to like me and since high school I guess doing peoples homework, projects (etc.) was my way of "attempting" to make friends. However, in the end I am always just left bruised and used like an old, unwanted toy.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

shyguy1990 said:


> Yeah, I guess it is a bit desperate. But I want people to like me and since high school I guess doing peoples homework, projects (etc.) was my way of "attempting" to make friends. However, in the end I am always just left bruised and used like an old, unwanted toy.


I'm very sorry to hear you're left feeling unwanted. In an ideal world, people would take your efforts just as kindness. But I don't think people are too comfortable when a friendship seems unbalanced, which is why it's usually best to dial it back.

Good luck to you.


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## vanishingpt (Mar 9, 2012)

I think nice guys are great, but I'd also like him to be able to stand up for himself/others and not let people walk all over him. I think people can still be nice but stern at the same time.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

shyguy1990 said:


> Yeah, I guess it is a bit desperate. But I want people to like me and since high school I guess doing peoples homework, projects (etc.) was my way of "attempting" to make friends. However, in the end I am always just left bruised and used like an old, unwanted toy.


This happened to me once. In freshman year of college, I wanted my suitemates to like me, so I helped one of with all of her essays. It took me a while before I even realized that I was practically writing them for her. She ended up ditching me and a bunch of her friends and becoming a bully. At this point i've just stopped helping people anymore out of fear of being used. It's important to be able to make your own decisions without the influence of anyone else, and to make those decisions for yourself and not to please others.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I'm a nice guy, that said I do stand up for myself if I feel I'm constantly being taken advantage of. Like at work this jerk coworker keeps asking to borrow my phone. "Only 15 mins man... " *2 hours later* "Uhhh again, I need my phone man, and plz don't text on it, I don't pay for text... " :sus (bad enough I'm paying like $178 a month for 4 phones for my whole family >< )

Now I'll usually come up with an excuse like, "Oh my phone is broke. " or "Sorry I don't get free calls til after 8. " I think he got the picture, he treats me like crap now haha.

I guess you can't please everyone. If someone is a user like that, I suggest you avoid them, they'll get the hint eventually, granted they're not too dense. :roll


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## catcharay (Sep 15, 2011)

Gosh, don't bend over backwards like that..they are taking advantage - a sign of disrespect. Your worth is higher than that...


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## Rich19 (Aug 11, 2012)

well what your doing is a great way of gaining their freindship but if u want something more you will have to stop helping them so much. Why would they want to risk having a relationship with someone who gives them so much help.


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## shnbwmn (Jul 13, 2012)

Be nice, but not a push-over. Girls like nice guys that are independent. Do stuff for her in a way that shows you don't need her. I know it sounds weird but that's how it works (I learnt the hard way). They like a challenge, something they can't have. If you're overly nice, you take that drive away and the attraction dies. I'm not saying you must be a douchebag, but like others have said: tone it down a bit, don't be her servant. 

Good luck btw


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## litare (Oct 22, 2012)

niceness is a turn-on. But maybe dial it down a bit or just make sure to try and spend time doing other things with her to try and get a feel for if she is interested in you or just your help.


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## .95596 (Aug 24, 2012)

Thank you all for your advice and input. 

What are signs that she might be interested in me? She asked me for a pen the other day and actually gave it back and she always asks me questions regarding lab/class material in person and through text. Might these be signs, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?


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## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

pita said:


> Politeness is a turn-on. However, I'm kind of curious--why are you sending her old exams and typing up study guides? That's not being "nice," exactly. It's trying a bit too hard, I'd say. And if you try too hard, people might take advantage of you or become just plain confused. Scale it back a bit.


this...


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## JohnWalnut (May 2, 2012)

It's a problem if you are being nice to others, especially girls in order to expect them to "like" you back. That doesn't happen. At best, you make a friend, at worst, people will take advantage of you.


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## Droidsteel (Mar 22, 2012)

I don't think politeness is a turn off, but some of the stuff you mentioned sounded a little obsessive.


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## .95596 (Aug 24, 2012)

Droidsteel said:


> I don't think politeness is a turn off, but some of the stuff you mentioned sounded a little obsessive.


How's it obsessive? On my part or her's? I guess her asking me questions about class material and for past exams might be a bit excessive, in a sense obsessive.

However, there can't be obsession on my part since she is the one asking me to send the tests and notes, and I am not just sending them to her out of the blue. As I stated before, "I have not crossed the Rubicon" in any way.

After re-reading my first response I guess the rhetoric I used could have led to some misinterpretation.


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## shnbwmn (Jul 13, 2012)

What StarryMessenger said. I doubt she's interested if all your conversations are work-related. Try talking to her about non-work things and see where that leads. But I honestly think she's exploiting your kindness.


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## shammie (Oct 31, 2012)

Being blunt... and speaking from experience.

There is a line between 'being nice' and 'being used'. If you're going out of your way, regularly, you are 'being used'. "doing peoples homework, projects" is not benefiting them, as they're not learning. It's not benefiting you, as you're not being seen as a friend, you're seen as a means to an end.

A friend will occasionally let you see their answers because you forgot to do the paper last night. A friend will not want you to do their homework for them, let alone their projects.

In my experience with women, there is a definite mental line between "That was a sweet thing to do" and "OK, this is getting a bit creepy". Likewise there's a line between "Aw, he's nice" and "Well, that's this semesters homework tied up - I can have a night in now with my bf".

And forgive my bluntness...



> She asked me for a pen the other day and actually gave it back and she always asks me questions regarding lab/class material in person and through text. Might these be signs, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?


That's your wishful thinking. She asked for a pen, as she needed a pen. She gave it back, as it's the polite thing to do. I used to obsess over things like that, but really... don't. It's unfair to you. She asked you questions because you've already proven yourself knowledgeable on the topic.

I'm not saying she's purely using you. She may view you as a friend. Do you ever text about anything that isn't work? Do you meet up for coffees to chat? If you don't - don't fret. Invite her out for a coffee. If you only talk class, say it'd be fun to chat about non-class stuff for a change - what's she into, bands, etc?

But is she coming on to you? Not from what you're saying.... sorry.

One sec... there's a comic that perfectly defines my messed up thinking previously.

Ok.... if we are at all alike, please, read this, in the spirit it is intended.

http://xkcd.com/513/


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I fail to understand how being "too nice" can be a bad thing?

One of the most idiotic things about the human race.


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

Learning the words "No" and "**** you" and knowing when to use them might be one of the most empowering things a person can learn in this cruel/snaky world.


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