# Schema Therapy Update



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hi

Thought I would write an update. I know I dont have SA, and havent done for a while, and in fact I am in therapy for BPD related symptoms. Those would be extreme anger outbursts, chronic fear of being abandoned, persistent lifelong cycle of explosive and damaging relationships in all spheres of life including work, familial, social and romantic, persistently unstable sense of self (I dont really know who I am), acute feelings of emptiness (when not in therapy or actively doing something therapeutic), self-damaging impulsivity, intense episodic dyshporia, depression, irritability and anxiety lasting a few hours (affective instability) and 'transient stress related paranoid ideation'. Social anxiety can come as part of all that but not any more. The paranoia brings fear when it strikes but thats not the same as SA. My therapist said I am tremendously high functioning but have BPD traits underneath.

I have started with my schema therapist who seems very, very different to any therapist I have ever been to. She felt that I am on the Borderline Personality Disorder spectrum, but that the hard work I have put into overcoming some of its component features has really paid off. There are however still BPD elements to approach.

She is very, very empathic. She is able to read me even after 2 sessions, but I know this has been made easier because I gave her a 20 page primer on 'me' and all the schema work I had done myself. The realisation I need to be honest about my feelings and that I had never experienced validation for my problems in life has meant that even in two sessions we are really far down the road, and she felt that all the self-help I have done was massively beneficial - like, saving 6 months of therapy, beneficial, so it would seem that investing in the books (a total cost of £45 or $90) has effectively saved me £2160 ($4320) in therapy bills.

She said she realises that what I really need at first is simple validation - to be told that yes - the experiences I had as a child were bad, and that it is understandbale that i now have these problems in life. I realise how uncomfortable being validated makes me - it is just totally alien, and it explians why I have always felt like 'I am making it all up'. I could process praise, but validation was just like a brick being dropped in the room. It felt distinctly odd. 

She is trying to help me build on expressing emotions instead of bottling them up, and all my courage has had to come to the fore in revealing some of the darker elements of myself. Given that she knows EVERYTHING, and talks to me like a human being, suddenly it is like a weight off my shoulders. I can feel this black sense of shame that so often hangs over me starting to subside. Again through the self help, she feels that I have gained a lot of self-insight to the point where I can observe my moods as they happen - provided they dont go beyond a certain level. At one point they did go past this level and I dissociated in session, which I felt able to tell her about. She said she would watch out for it, but that my honesty would be a massive help to the sessions. I also listed all the ways that I might scupper therapy and things that had gone wrong in the past.

I am working mainly on mistrust and abuse as a core schema first of all, and we will be doing some 'mode' work as well. My modes seem to be Self-Aggrandizer, Abandoned / Angry Child, Vulnerable child, Punitive parent (to myself), and Detached Self Soother. I am getting able to spot my modes as they happen.

Right now I have much more of a sense of calm simply knowing that I have told her everything, that there is someone there who will listen and who knows exactly what they are doing. I also have like a 'mentor' who I used to work with who I meet with regualarly. He is an awesome listener and he told me I have inspired him to become a counsellor!  Whee.

Anyway thats my babble

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

You've made quite a journey so far, and it looks like you're with a great therapist here.


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## ~AJ~ (Jan 23, 2008)

excellent ross!

I cant wait to hear how this changes your life

keep us updated, thanks!! and good luck!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Shes been away on a conference for the last week and a half! Poop. I am needing my schemas tweaked!


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Boo on that!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Thought I would add another little update. At the last session, she began to identify my modes and how often they flip. In BPD modes are ALMOST like discrete personalities, but not quite (hence the term borderline). In BPD, almost all of the 18 schemas are present, and I know that I have 15 of them, so it becomes difficult to work with them as they cause such rapid and continual change in modes. 

Modes can be thought of as coping behaviours. Everyone has them, but with increasing disorder the modes become less adaptive and less integrated. Healthy modes are mixed in with each other to create balance. Unhealthy ones are not. My therapist nocitced how much I am flipping and suggested we work with modes, which I am looking forward to. I have noticed that my personality can shift from being hyper, to very afraid, to belittling myself, to hating people and finally to deep depression in a matter of hours, sometimes minutes, and this is a regular thing. Its amazing that I had been unaware of it before - so much of this was buried outside my consciousness - or perhaps I didnt want to look at it. Its not nice when you begin to see them, and to a certain extent it makes me want to hide away for fear of them surfacing. But that is what the mode work is for - to gain some control over them.

My therapist is cool - shes ok with me emailing her between sessions. She is super cool, and so empathic and understanding. Exactly what I have been needing. I feel super attached to her already, but mehh thats one of my schemas kicking off too ... :stu

So schema is currently like a holding pattern for me. With BPD I know it can take some years to overcome, but the years of CBT and the very positive relationships I have had with some therapists in the past hopefully mean that a large chunk of that work is done.

The real STUNNER in all this though has been the awareness of my own Schema Chemistry, or the tendency all humans have to be attracted to what is familiar, as opposed to what is good for them emotionally speaking. I have always complained that people reject me, invalidate me, abuse me and ultimately reject me - but now I see that in fact I was CHOOSING the very type of person who would be most likely to do this. Its a very subtle process (Mr Freid called it the 'repetition compulsion') that I am only just starting to understand - but its implications are huge. If I always chose people that would treat me that way, then I was living inside a prison that I actuall ymade for myself. I saw the world as rejecting me because I was vile, disgusting. But in fact I FELT vile and disgusting and was chooisng people who would directly confirm that. The presence now of people in my life who dont do that has made me see exactly how I was maintaining that endless loop of abuse and invalidation.

I am more at awareness on that one at the mo. I have just finished a 'relationship destruction cycle' (a common part of BPD) and am now wondering what to do about finding new friends. Its hard because I know my schema tendencies are still there, but at least I now have guidance. Its hard for me to accept that guidance because for so long I have felt I must look after myself - but I must open myself up to that and overcome the pride and fear.

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Again, great update! That schema chemistry is definitely powerful, but your awareness should be of great benefit to you as you go forward.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

:yes Im almost scared to make any new friends ATM though, in case I accidentally schematise myself! Like Emma said in that email, its a sensitive time right now. I feel like a 5 year old! :afr It literally is like growing up all over again, but in a safe environment.

Wow. Schema.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Yeah, I can see why there would be hesitance, particularly if you're looking out for as many schemas as you're targeting. I start to get dizzy when I just look at two instead of one!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

thats why we have switched to mode work. Apparently quite common in BPD, cos there are so many schemas, they tend to come out in groups which form almost a separate personality (hence borderline). At the moment I am just learning to recognise my modes and what trips them off.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Vulnerable Child, Compliant Surrenderer, and Detached Protector (occasional Demanding Parent too) seem to be my biggies.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

:yes

Vulnerable Child, Punitive Parent, Demanding Parent, Compliant Surrenderer, Angry Child, Detached Protector, Aggrandizer. And boy do those guys like to fight it out ... from minute to minute :afr

Healthy Adult is there too though  Go Healthy! Whoo! :clap


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Another update! 23/06/08 << UK date format 

We have been working on my modes, though we also discussed my concerns for the future of therapy. She said that as I will be in it a long time, I need to accept that there could be dirutpions and changes. The thought of not having Emma kind of filled me with dread but I didnt really want to show it, but as she asked me to always be honest I told her and she was cool. We talked about moving onto group therapy in the future, like tackling stages. One to one, then group and so on.

Then we did some imagery work. I had been talking to her about a strong sense of pressure I have been feeling lately, like frustration, anger, feeling 'stuck', like wanting to smash somthing but even that wouldnt help - like I am ridiculous. Full of rage but totally impotent (no not that kind) so the rage just multiplies inside. She asked me if I could find an image of Little Ross where I had felt that, and she got me to close my eyes. It was quite nice, she was speaking softly and it was a bit hypnotic. Quite soothing. I thought of when I used to lay in bed feeling the same way, but when I would dissociate. She asked me what I looked like and I was just blank, my eyes glazed. I was about 13 in the picture. I wanted the pain t stop but it wouldnt, and the closest I could get was to just lay there or sleep. She asked me what I was feeling, and I said I was scared my mum would come in - because she would atart to make me feel worse, criticise me, put me down - and I would have to tell her some lie to get rid of her. She asked me what I needed from her at that moment, and it was just "i need her to go away, to get out of my room". Then something broke the image and we talked around it a bit.

She pointed out that part of my Detached Protector mode is to intellectualise my emotions. Instead of stating them, I start to clothe them in theory and use high level language ... she wanted me to stay in Vulnerable Child mode, and use the words that he would use. I found it too hard so we stopped.

She told me that at the moment we are trying to get me to stay in vulnearble child more so that I can access the feelings that I needed to be met and did not. At the moment I cant let myself to go in there. I am too detached from it.

As homework I have to go about naming my modes something that makes sense to me. I named my self-aggrandizer mode "Unattractive Lord Flasheart" after the character in the Blackadder series, but with a serious overcompensation issue.

Not seeing her for 2 sessions now, am a bit worried TBH. Realised how very very attached to her I have become in only a few sessions. Mehh typical BPD .... :stu

Felt much more chatty with women though, as have been doing lately. i think she is healing my women schema! heh

As I left I got the usual sense of fear and discomfort that I had said or done something wrong. I felt a bit fake, like I might have overcompensated some today. I reran bits of the session in my head then caight myself and 'held it'. I felt that same pressure, "just please go away, i dont want to feel like this" after. I always get the urge to phone my mum after ... even though shes the last person I want to talk to ... ???


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Fascinating update, Ross. As you know, I also am a heavy user of "detached protector." I think I've only been vulnerable for maybe 100-150 seconds over the past couple years. :lol

How does she encourage you to stay in this mode? It seems like it's so fragile when experienced that it can easily go away, especially if detached protector is such a common, habitualized mode. It's like having a bird land on your shoulder, and someone tells you to pick it up gently and put it in a cage so you can have it readily available... If I even move for a second, it will bolt...Or it will bolt anyway once it sees it landed on a person. It seems like accessing "vulnerable child" is this hard.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Thats where the therapist comes in! Its them that gets you into it really, and then its just a case of becoming comfortable with it in imagery. Thats how it seemed to be anyhow ..


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

You guys are using terminology that I'm not familiar with. What other schema resources are you tapping into?


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

A therapist!

But also reading:

Reiventing Your Life - Klosko and Young
Schema Therapy: A Practitioners Guide

I have posted a lot of stuff on Schema in the past so I tend not to re-explain every time I write it. Im really posting this up for guys that a) are interested in my therapy progress or b) are interested in Schema.

A good site to go to for definitions and so on is www.schematherapy.com


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Thanks.

I will check the site and look into the second book (I have Reinventing).


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