# Given up on relationships



## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

I've really lost interest in relationships. I have no faith that there are decent people out there anymore and I've given up. I don't want a boyfriend again. I just don't think it's worth it. I find as time goes on I want to date less and less. I've been single for over a year now and stopped dating altogether 8 months ago. Somehow the planets aligned and all of my friends became single at the end of last year but they all have boyfriends now so I've withdrawn from them as of late. I do get lonely at times but I still just don't want to deal with it, I don't think it's worth it. I can't imagine that this is a healthy way to feel. Anyone ever gone through this or am I just that abnormal? I figured if I had any shot of someone understanding me it would be here. anyone?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Pixiedust,

That sounds about right. I feel the same way sometimes, being 30, and never gone "up to bat" so to speak. Part of this is our anxiety mindset. To be honest with you, we do think intrinsically that there are good people out there. We are just too overcome with fear and anxiety to find it out.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Hey millenniumman75. I've been up to bat and I feel like I've been run over by a freight train. I've been cheated on by almost every boyfriend I've ever had. All of my friends have in one way or another cheated on their boyfriends or have gotten involved with married men, who of course lied about being married. I'm just not willing to put myself out there again. Fear? yes. Anxiety? yes. I think that the majority of people are just plain old bad.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

You have to keep trying - there are good people out there. If they appear like a Maury show guest, drop that zero and find yourself a hero!


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

:lol Yeah but my point is kinda that I don't want to try anymore. I'm done, given up. I also have avoidant personality disorder so it's probably no surprise that I'll never put myself out there again.


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## crowing_for_repair (Nov 15, 2003)

pixiedust, not sure if what you're feeling is the same, but i'm kinda holding off on that whole thing too. i keep ending up with people i know i don't want to be with, and it's a big mess. more trouble than it's worth. i don't mind it though, i like being single. 

i think it is abnormal, in the sense that most people either aren't single, or spend their time obsessing about the fact that they are. especially this time of year. but i'm comfortable with it. 

not sure if some of it may be related to anxiety, and knowing i would tend to settle, because i'm too afraid to challenge myself with somebody i would really really want to be with. 

like what gumaro says, just take the time to work on yourself, enjoy it. somebody will come along when the time is right, and knock your socks off..


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I'm reluctant to "give up" because that seems so final. Yes, it gets very frustrating being alone all the time and having people tell me there is someone out there. I'm sure my frustration is reflected in alot of my posts and the truth is it does hurt inside. But if I give up then I lose all hope, which is not something I'm willing to accept. Right now it feels completely hopeless that I'll ever meet someone who is willing to accept me, but if I give up then I know for sure it will never happen. Hope is not a good thing to lose.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

That's why I say that I used to date. Past tense. Not present, and not future.

It costs too much money and emotions to find someone and to keep them. There's too much fakery involved. Too much crap that you have to "forgive" just to keep someone in your life. And there's no possibility of equality in human romance. Someone's always gonna get dominated. That's the worst part.


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

Being single can have it's advantages. You can do, go, or not do anything you want to, without having to think about another persons wants or needs. You can totally be yourself and not have to worry if your partner will find some basic personality trait in you that annoys them, prompting them to want you to change. And then when you are unable to change or you are unwilling to change, then your partner can decide to leave you. And of course, if you're single you never have to worry about your partner cheating on you. You can have this freedom for many many years or possibly even all your life. And I should know, because I lived that life for almost 25 years.

As I got older I began to realize what I was doing to myself. I was living my life very self centered and selfishly. I avoided any possible relationship because I was afraid of the way it would eventually end. I also had SA, so that just made it easier for me to avoid. And it was also a convenient excuse. I gave up on ever possibly having a meaningful relationship with a woman. I just didn't think that I was capable of handling it or the hurt that it would eventually cause. I had experienced my parents infidelity, fighting, and eventual divorce. I thought that I was happy being single and that it was my destiny.

But then I quit my full time work and I had a lot more free time on my hands. That was when the full force of loneliness hit me. I became very depressed. I was depressed because I knew that I had denied myself the wonderful experience of intimacy and romantic love. I had no fond memories to look back on (except childhood). I became very afraid that I would be alone for the rest of my life, never experiencing the simple closeness to another human being that most other people just take for granted. And I had done this to myself all because of fear.

But then my new fear of being lonely for the rest of my life superseded my old fear of being hurt. That was when I realized that love is always worth the risk (when the other person is free of course). Sure, I may get hurt or my partner may get hurt. There are never any guarantees that a relationship will last a life time, or any amount of time for that matter. But I and my partner will always have the memories of the good times we had together. Those memories will stay with us for the rest of our lives. And nothing can take that away. Even if we have a bitter hurtful breakup, we will still have the good memories. And in my opinion that's a pretty good deal compared to the alternative: loneliness, depression, no pleasant memories, low self esteem, and hopelessness.

pixiedust, if I were in your place, I would enjoy my new found happiness in being single. It's apparent you have had some bad relationship experiences. But I would never give up hope on finding someone special. Believe me, you don't want to be alone the rest of your life. There are men out there who would treat you with kindness and respect. I realize they may be few and far between, but they are there. I would just be careful about who I give my heart to.

As for me, well I finally found a girlfriend after all these years. It was 6 months yesterday that we first met on the internet and 3 months since we first met in person. It's been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I would never ever cheat on her. I can hardly wait until I can see her again on Valentines Day - and make some more wonderful memories.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

I just wanted everyone to know that I've read and appreciate all of the responses but I just don't know what to say. I'm really confused and hurt right now and I really can't even think past today.


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## David1976 (Nov 8, 2003)

hey pixie.... just take care of yourself right now... you'll get the feeling back... it's just not the priority right now...


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

Woody said:


> pixiedust, if I were in your place, I would enjoy my new found happiness in being single.


pixiedust, I apologize for that statement. As I know you must be hurting right now. Just give yourself some time. Things will get better. I was just remembering the time (many years ago) when my attempted relationship failed. It was not a good relationship, but it still hurt. However, after a period of time it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And for a while I was glad to be single. That's what I was referring to when I made that statement. I hope you feel better soon.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

Basically what the other two posters said about not rushing it. But I'd also like to add that you shouldn't force the feeling, either. If you literally never feel like you WANT to be in a relationship, even when someone else (or yourself) thinks that you NEED to be in one...well, go with the want, not the need. Not everyone needs to be in a relationship in order to feel fulfilled. 

It can go both ways, after all.


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## Madmonkeypoo (May 3, 2004)

I understand you pixie. I haven't given up totally on hope but I'm not looking either. I just came to terms with myself and said "if it happens it happens, if it don't it don't" and left it at that. Rather than sit in misery and worry about it I focus on other things to better myself. Even though it bugs the hell outta me when my non-virgin friends start talking about all the wonderful sexy things they do with their boyfriends and sit there quietly like a dork while they ramble on, I keep my head on my goals and objectives and I'm content with my situation.


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## RX2000 (Jan 25, 2004)

Yea most guys are jerks who only think with their dicks and will cheat at the drop of a hat.

Us guys who would DIE before cheating seem to be pretty rare. So if you ever do find one of us, make sure you hold on tight. :b


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm going to try to put my feelings into words the best that I can. I've been single for a long time now. Before my ex I was single for a REALLY long time. I think that it was just a fluke. This isn't about him anymore, that was a long time ago. The hard part is that I feel that I'm not capable of being in a relationship (my ex even told me that I wasn't). So even if my desire to be with someone else and open myself up again came back I still wouldn't be able to be in a relationship. I think I'm starting to come to terms with that. As sad as it is, I have given up hope. I've lost faith in people and I'll probably never trust a man again. So yeah, it sucks that I had to go through all of these things but at the end of the day, no matter what, I know that I'm not someone who can be in a relationship and that's what I'm really struggling to come to terms with.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

pixiedust said:


> The hard part is that I feel that I'm not capable of being in a relationship (my ex even told me that I wasn't).
> 
> I think I'm starting to come to terms with that. As sad as it is, I have given up hope.


Pixiedust,

Your ex was not very nice. Who is to say that your next relationship won't go better than that one did? You shouldn't lose hope completely over it. Just take the time to work on yourself. That is what I am doing.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

My next relationship was better but he left me too.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I think you've just had some bad experiences with men. Trust me, we're not all slime balls and there are guys out there who would give anything for a chance to love and treat a woman with respect. It makes me sick to see or hear about guys cheating on their wives or girlfriends. They don't even stop for a second to think about how lucky they are to have someone who cares about them. But for some men that's just not good enough, they need more. I can't even coprehend cheating, I could never hurt someone I truly cared about. I don't beleive for a second what your ex said, I think it was just a way of hurting you, trying to make you beleive you aren't fit for anyone else which of course isn't true. 
You're hurting inside now and I think you do need some time away from relationships to ease the pain. But I do think in time, if you are willing you will find someone who can love and respect you in a way that nobody else ever has.


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## Molten Universe (Feb 17, 2005)

I'm sorry to hear about your problems pixiedust. It seems appalling to me that there would be so many cheating guys out there. Like some others have said, there _are_ some of us who would never cheat...but I can't say just how you would go about finding them.

For me it's a source of depression every day that I have never been able to have a girlfriend. I doubt that I would give up entirely, but it's hard not to lose hope when the odds seem so stacked against you.

Still, I'm not going to give up entirely, and I don't think you should either. I mean, you don't _have_ to be in a relationship if you don't feel like it, but you can still stay open-minded to the possibility...


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## Nae (Nov 10, 2003)

don't give up. You don't *need* a relationship. I was going to say something else about keeping status quo for a while is just fine as long as you are content, but i forgot how best to explain it.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I can't really offer any advice, seeing as I will most likely remain alone forever. I'm not really trying to get into a relationship; I'm waaay too scared of rejection/embarrassment. It takes a lot of guts (in my opinion) to get yourself out there and date. I think it's great that you've had the courage to do it. I agree with what other people have said - not all men are scum. There are plenty that are, but if you're willing to take risks I think you will be able to weed them out and find a good one.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Thanks everyone. It's nice to hear that there are some decent guys out there even though they're near impossible to find. Right now I'm not thinking much about this as my grandfather went into the hospital a few weeks ago and I received word this morning that he's not doing well. My mom has also been very ill since the summer and she's going back to the hospital tomorrow. I barely have the energy to deal with my life much less worry about my inability to be in a relationship. I probably have given up for good but I don't know and I just can't think about it anymore.


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## Aleister45 (Feb 12, 2006)

I haven't dated in over 5 years. Since my ex-wife left me I have had very little confidence in dating let alone talking to someone. I spend my time being a full time dad and playing my guitar. I want to date again but I'm not even sure how to meet someone or what to say because I feel like I would get rejected anyway. I guess I've just accepted that I'm going to be alone. :afr


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Yeah, this thread reminds me of nothing but how much my life sucks and will continue to suck. I'll never have a normal life. At least you have your son Aleister. Try to enjoy your relationship with him.


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## Aleister45 (Feb 12, 2006)

Actually it's 3 daughters, but I do enjoy my relationship with them.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Aleister45 said:


> Actually it's 3 daughters, but I do enjoy my relationship with them.


 Oops :hide I don't know why I thought it was a son. That's great, 3 girls, I'm sure you're a great dad to them.


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## Aleister45 (Feb 12, 2006)

I try to be a good dad and they all seem to like me so I guess I'm succeeding. :lol


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Aleister45 said:


> I try to be a good dad and they all seem to like me so I guess I'm succeeding. :lol


 That's great Aleister45. I would have liked to have kids but I'll be too old for that soon.



Gumaro said:


> we should all move to an island and form our own community


 Ok, I like islands but only if I don't have to wear a bathing suit.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Oh and I'm tired of people (especially older people) saying to me "oh, you're such a pretty girl. Why aren't you married?" so I'm trying to come up with some really good snotty responses.

For example: "I don't know, for some reason men just don't like axe murderers. I can't figure it out?"

If you can come up with any, please let me know. I'd like to have a little variety to spice things up.


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## Aleister45 (Feb 12, 2006)

Here's a few ideas. You could say' "Silly humans, That does not exist on my planet." or maybe you could ask' "But what do I do with them when I'm sick of them" or you could say"I'm already married.....to (God or Satan) your choice. You could say "We haven't found the right man yet,( and then look beside you and say) "Isn't that right"? Or you could say""You haven't found one that won't scream when you torture him" or "They all seem to have a problem with the smell of the dead bodies". Hope this helps.


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