# I feel "fake" when I am trying to socialize...



## mechagirl

So this week I had a therapy session were I, my therapist & someone else she brought along went to a local Starbucks. The idea was to have one of our regular sessions which usually involves me having a conversation with another person for a few minutes after which then the person leaves & we go thru & analyze the conversation, how I performed, etc...only this time the conversation was much longer & in a more casual "realistic" environment(Starbucks) than the silent room we use to have the therapy.

ok so I guess it went well...I was a bit nervous but not too much...my therapist later sent me an email saying she thought I did great & not to second guess what i did or try to overanalyze how I did b/c she felt I did nothing wrong. (We will discuss more during next week's session.)

The thing is, although on the outside I guess I did ok, I can never actually get myself to enjoy socializing itself... I feel like I still don't want to be there talking with people...Maybe this is my Asperger's disorder coming thru...its like socializing is such an emotionally exhausting & unpleasant chore for me I'd rather be home by myself doing something I find interesting...

so I guess if I continue my therapies I may eventually learn to fake being social b/c I need it to function in the world, but I'll never be able to get used to it & truly enjoy it...

have any of you been able to get rid of that "fake" feeling & learn to actually enjoy socializing? I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people. :|


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## FairleighCalm

That is interesting. Most socializing is "fake" or shallow in order to get to sincere and meaningful socializing. Where we can "open" up and disrobe our mental and emotional selves. You are learning the equivalent of "the basics". Once you get the basics down you can explore making it an art form that serves your purpose. Just a thought.


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## PuzzledMike

Something I find helpful is to remember to focus on what others are saying instead of worrying about what they might be thinking of me. Sometimes it is not so easy - my mind can easily drift off and I start to wonder if I've said enough, and then worry about what they might be thinking of me, and then find I'm not hearing any of the conversation. But if I banish those thoughts and concentrate on what others are actually saying then it goes OK.

Of course all formal human interaction feels fake and odd. That's because it isn't really natural, it is a game to a very large extent. But learning to play the game (at least a little) is the price we have to pay in order to get to more natural interactions.

Mike.


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## Atticus

I think everyone has an "on" button they push when they socialize. I can't always find mine, but its there :lol Pushing the on button can seem kind of fake.

I think I've done what you describe, which is learn to socialize enough to function. I can appear to enjoy socializing for brief periods, or for longer periods in rare circumstances that really favor my needs. I sometimes enjoy the actual experience, but afterwards I always feel drained. Even when it went well.

On a side note, I don't hear all that much about how people's therapy goes, but I like the approach your therapist is taking. Hope it helps.


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## Maslow

First of all, you have a great therapist to go to that extent with you. Most wouldn't.

I don't enjoy socializing most of the time. It's a forced activity, like pretending to like cross country skiing when it's really about as much fun as listening to opera. My problem is, I don't connect with people and it's actually gotten worse over the years. I still have that feeling that I'm different from everyone else.


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## mechagirl

My current therapist is actually a psych student at University of Miami, so maybe that has something to do with her being so involved in my therapies...Maybe Im sort of her "project," haha. Yeah she is great, sadly she told me she's moving to another state & is leaving the school this summer ...Im really bummed about that. :sigh 

Im wondering if that feeling of social fakeness is only felt by SADers or do non-SADers feel it too but just shrug it off...


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## tomcoldaba

mechagirl said:


> Im wondering if that feeling of social fakeness is only felt by SADers or do non-SADers feel it too but just shrug it off...


I think that non-SADers feel the social fakeness but just shrug it off. Then again for them it is not a big deal as they not have to deal with the fear we face in these situations. We are overcoming the fear of SAD to engage in social fakeness which is exhausting.


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## Decade

Wow, your therapist sounds really cool. Every therapist I had just suggested that I talk to people and left it at that.

I also feel fake when I try to socialize...and I hate that because I can't stand fake people...


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## Atticus

I think everyone fakes it when socializing. I think I have an aversion to being fake because I spend a lot of time on the outside, socially, looking in at people interact. I noticed that one of the main differences between myself and more successful people, was that they were able to "perform" or play a role. Probably out of envy, I learned to hate that performing ability, and when I try to play a role, I feel conflicted at best.


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## Maslow

I read something last night that made a lot of sense. When interacting with others, notice commonalities. I'm not talking about shared interests or appearance, but the fact that we are breathing the same air and have a similar existence in nature. If you become aware of these things, relating to others becomes more natural.

It sounds good in theory, anyway. I'll have to try it next time I talk to somebody.


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## GingerDawn

I don't think of it as faking but I used to. I think its likened to the same analogy as what christians call living in the spirit where you discipline yourself despite how you feel. It may not seem genuine but in reality it may be the real them. They are exercisng their spirit. I am not a christian anymore but the parelell is good to draw from. Most people really do not fake but they are trying to be nice, and speak out of hope, and draw on good things despite how they feel in the present. That is a good thing to do. I think it only is fake when the good emotion is really exaggerated but it many cases they are honestly wanting to laugh. In general it is just them disciplining themselves. That is what you are sensing. The spirit and soul difference. If their body is not properly nourished then you sense this in their emotion too. The body also affects their emotions you sense under their talk. Most people are good people that are overworked with alot of responsibilities and they have alot on their mind. They are only trying to give you the best they can. Try to think of it that way.


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## Peanuts

In my younger years socializing wasn't something I thought much about because it just seemed to happen. But as I grew older it's as if I switched bodies or minds with someone else. Even though I was a quiet kid I had a fair amount of friends but that number grew smaller as the years passed. Fast forward forty years and I feel like someone dropped me off on the wrong planet. I often find myself watching other people and thinking that I am like none of them and could never be. Even though I can initialize a conversation it doesn't mean I can keep it going and the day to day work place socializing is even harder. I know everyone has their own things to deal with but to me they still look more comfortable on any given day than I ever have in my life time.


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## Carolas

The worst part for me about socializing is that my mind goes blank when I am reaching for something to say to start a conversation or to keep it going. Totally blank. I just stare at the person I'm socializing with and feel like a total idiot. After a while, they walk away. Thank goodness this doesn't happen all the time, but it happens often enough to become an issue. I envy people who can say something off the top of their head, they just seem to know what to say in any social situation.


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## NutterButter

Oh, I totally get feeling fake. Fake smile, fake laughing even, making perfunctory small talk. I observe how other people act (e.g., laughing hard over something that isn't really funny) and just mirror it back. But I'm uncomfortable, so I think that people see through me and know that I really want to be somewhere else.


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## trancediva88

NutterButter said:


> Oh, I totally get feeling fake. Fake smile, fake laughing even, making perfunctory small talk. I observe how other people act (e.g., laughing hard over something that isn't really funny) and just mirror it back. But I'm uncomfortable, so I think that people see through me and know that I really want to be somewhere else.


 :ditto


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## kelso

MASLOW and GINERDAWN you have hit the nail on the head, for me anyway.

MECHAGIRL at my age you come to realize that all "socializing" is fake. It is a silly ritual we hang on to so we appear "well bred" (in the old days) or "polictally correct" (modern days). I loath it, quite frankly, and that is why I do not socialize as I cannot deal with the rot that goes on!
To this day I cannot say "good night" to anyone as I troop off to bed. In the the 1950's, during the wool boom, there were great and wonderful cocktail parties at my parents house. When it came to bedtime the children had to "do the rounds" and say "good night" to every blasted stuck up person there. It was totally and utterly fake, all this social protocol and to this day I view it with distain.


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## mechagirl

Another thing that Im currently having trouble with in my therapy exposures is answering personal questions. Like Ive posted about here before, b/c my SA has me disabled & has always kept me single, I hate when people ask me about what I do for a living, or where I went to school, if Im married, have bf, ect...I try to explain without revealing I have SA or on disability but I end up rambling & making no sense. How do you explain to someone who works 9-5 that you do not work & just do stuff around the house, offer no valid reason as to why, without making it come off as you are a freeloader who's just lucky to be able live with mom so you can just sit around all day. I wish I didn't have to answer these types of questions when I socialize...but you are expected to or if not you're considered rude, a snob or a weird loner. :rain


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## Jolese

I think socializing certainly can feel fake when it's a new skill that we are working on. It's sort of like any skill that is new to us. We don't first get on a bicycle and know how to ride well, or first sit down at a piano and know how to play Beethoven. It's someting that takes practice, practice, practice. The more we do it the more we become familiarized with it, the more comfortable it feels, the more our sense of capability increases. As to answering personal questions about your SA, you can give as much or as little information as you feel comfortable giving. Be vague if neccessary, or just say you don't like talking about that subject, than change the tide of the conversation by asking the person the same question they've just asked you or asking them something else you would like to know about them.


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## Wolfen

mechagirl said:


> I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people. :|


+1
With me it's like I'm trying to be someone I'm not, "betraying" who I really am (or have become). When I'm around people I feel physically different and I hate being that person.
It's as if there's this little voice in my head saying "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?! Just quit it!". :|


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## Still Waters

I know what you mean.I become overly aware of my facial expressions, mannerisms,sound of my voice etc. Something will lodge in my head as a good thing to say- but it won't exactly match what they are talking about. I know this as the words are leaving my mouth but it's already to late!


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## Makaveli

Maybe as individuals with SA we have wired ourselves in a way that the natural human element of socializing is foreign to us. Having said that, I was recently informed by the 2 people who took care of me the most outside of my parents (my Dads youngest brother and sister) that as a toddler I was always one to keep to myself and would be playing with my toys alone and be protective of possessions etc. This is interesting to me as it's definately shaped the way I am today.

I often find that socialising is a really fake thing and I'm referring to stuff like weddings, parties, clubs and functions/events. I just feel as though people are fake and not being themselves as compared to everyday life. Maybe it's just me (or us) but I find it all a big to do about nothing really. I've felt different socially with people I've spent my whole life with such as family (eg at a wedding) than I have when in a non confronting environment such as a lunch at home with the same people.

I honestly have succumbed to the fact that I'll never be an extrovert social type who loves to go out and have that big circle of friends and always going to nightspots, events and parties and whilst a large part of me longs for that connection and desire to be social and consistently outgoing, a small (but still relevant) part of me wants to accept that maybe it's not who I am at all and that this is perfectly fine, even though it's not seen as something that's a desirable and favourable quality to have (being the social type that is).


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## AK32

I stopped trying, b/c it seems everytime I try I end up looking like a fool.


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## Banana Cream

I put on my happy face & try to play the best actress I can when I walk out my front door. Goals- learn new things, bring joy to others, help anyone who needs a friend.

The goals are real, but my acting might be terrible.


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## SecretButterfly

Me too. I think because I don't know who I am. I never accepted myself, and feel like im always someone else, and don't know who to be or who I am. I get nervous and i never know what to expect of myself. I can be nice and sweet or a real ***** that just dosnt want to even bother with anyone. I am not choosing this. Its like someone else is controlling me. I hate this.


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## tiredandworn

I put on a great mask when I have to. I have to be fake every day of my life when I am inteacting with other people. Just simply when they say how are you? And I answer " great !!" 

I am a Gemini, and there are two discinct parts to myself. One part is someone who can be quite engaged and help others. I can sound great. Its not really fake. The other side is pretty much a mess. And thats the part of me that has to be fake when talking with other people. Over the past couple of years, the strong side of me has waned. While the mess side of me becomes more prominent. So the fake mask is utilized whenever I am interacting with other people.


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## OregonMommy

To the OP, that's a wonderful therapist, there ought to be more like that, who are more involved, hands on. I had a life consultant to whom I disclosed that I was socially phobic, partly agora, and she did meet me in public places to help me get morecomfortable.

Regarding social situations, and I am assuming this means events mostly like parties and the like, it is awkward because it is mostly superficial, but sometimes you might meet some one who you can have a real convo with. Just because the situation is superficial, doesn't mean you have to be; but not to disclose overly personal info. either, no one likes TMI. And people do know when you are being genuine and when you are not. I have actually met one or two people who did seem to be superficial, who didn't like me because I was being sincere. But for the most part, some people do. I have had to put on a mask, initially, until I find ways to relax.

Now, at a party, the worst is where you don't know any one and I can't just go up to people and start gabbing like some one else can. If I have to, I will consume a beer or glass of wine to loosen me up a bit, but have to be careful about that.

Socializing is hard for shy,introverted people, it really is, Sometimes I will find another person like me at an event, who is more quiet, and keeps to themselves. It takes a good deal of effort for an introvert, and I've found ways to cope.

There have been times when I've gotten butterflies in my stomach and have to excuse myself and go to the bathroom for a time-out, because it is exhausting.


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## NaturalHUru

I sometimes have to remind myself that humans are social beings. Which can make me feel less human I guess. Socializing and putting on that mask can be exhausting. I think as time goes by, the mask is becoming more transparent. I get tired of being fake so I feel like my fake happy face is starting to become obvious. I still give it all my effort though, and try to be all the things that social people are.

If I'm around people that seem non-judgmental, then I usually leave the gathering energized. But if I'm completely uncomfortable (which is usually with extremely extroverted people) then I just want the night to be over. I feel most comfortable with people I've known forever who know how I am, so I know they're not analyzing me. 

Meeting new people is the worst. I don't know what to say. And then I'm branded as "the quiet girl". It gets so old. Why do people always have to talk? They're usually not really saying anything! Can't really share that sentiment because then I'll come off as mean or stuck up, which I've been referred to since I don't talk as much as "I'm supposed to".

ETA: Oops! Sorry, I just noticed that I posted in the 30 and above thread. Please don't kick me out, I like it in here!


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## deanol

> I put on a great mask when I have to. I have to be fake every day of my life when I am inteacting with other people.


and



> I put on my happy face & try to play the best actress I can when I walk out my front door.


I wonder if this is a technique that can be exploited further. What about envisioning yourself as someone (say a fictional character you admire) and then projecting yourself into that person in your day to day life.

So I like Jed Bartlett of the West Wing. If I projected myself into that persona and went to meetings and interacted with people as though I were him, would that help to overcome some of the SAD issues over meeting people. I wouldn't impersonate him! No changing voice, but thinking how would Jed Bartlett deal with the people in this meeting, would he pick up the phone and speak to someone to get the information he wanted? If so, I'll pretend I'm he and pick up the phone.

I don't know if this will work and of course the character you pick must be a help not a hinderance. I'd quite like to try it to see if I can put some emotional distance between me with my SAD, and Jed Bartlett without it in my day job. Just like a real actor who gets into character.


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## sarafinanickelbocker

Hmm well first of all that seemed like a triumph to me. Nice. Uhm as for fakeness. I actually enjoy socializing with people sometimes. However, when I don't have anything to say I'd rather sit and be quiet but other people get creeped by this and need chatter. When I have to force chatter to get rid of awkward silence (ugh, I wish it was okay to be silent sometimes) then yes, I feel fake and I will always feel fake and I will always be and act more nervous in those situations.


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## shymomma

mechagirl said:


> So this week I had a therapy session were I, my therapist & someone else she brought along went to a local Starbucks. The idea was to have one of our regular sessions which usually involves me having a conversation with another person for a few minutes after which then the person leaves & we go thru & analyze the conversation, how I performed, etc...only this time the conversation was much longer & in a more casual "realistic" environment(Starbucks) than the silent room we use to have the therapy.
> 
> ok so I guess it went well...I was a bit nervous but not too much...my therapist later sent me an email saying she thought I did great & not to second guess what i did or try to overanalyze how I did b/c she felt I did nothing wrong. (We will discuss more during next week's session.)
> 
> The thing is, although on the outside I guess I did ok, I can never actually get myself to enjoy socializing itself... I feel like I still don't want to be there talking with people...Maybe this is my Asperger's disorder coming thru...its like socializing is such an emotionally exhausting & unpleasant chore for me I'd rather be home by myself doing something I find interesting...
> 
> so I guess if I continue my therapies I may eventually learn to fake being social b/c I need it to function in the world, but I'll never be able to get used to it & truly enjoy it...
> 
> have any of you been able to get rid of that "fake" feeling & learn to actually enjoy socializing? I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people. :|


I almost always feel fake when socializing with someone I don't know. Its so hard for me to co me up with something to say so I have to create this fake small talk which I hate. Once the conversation is over I analyze it for hours afterward thinking about what I could have said better. Its hard...best of luck to you though!

Oh and I agree with the part about socializing being exhausting...and I would rather be home doing something I enjoy. I feel the EXACT same way. I would rather be on the computer or playing games or something rather than being fake and subjecting myself to the toture of socialization.


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## millenniumman75

I think it is a bit normal to be honest - we just notice it a lot more. There is a lot of superificality, that's for sure. We kind of have to get through that outer layer if we want to get to know people, though. When in Rome....:lol


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## Its Not Me Its You

millenniumman75 said:


> I think it is a bit normal to be honest - we just notice it a lot more. There is a lot of superificality, that's for sure. We kind of have to get through that outer layer if we want to get to know people, though. When in Rome....:lol


Thats true. Every relationship you ever have with someone would've/will start from small talk, sadly.

Initial small talk is all crap. Don't stress over it feeling fake because thats exactly what it is, fake.


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## root

This topic totally hits home with me. I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I realize more and more how I really do not enjoy being in social situations, but at the same time feeling this terrible guilt about not engaging those very same situations.

I think I've managed to learn how to behave in a social context on a superficial level. There are a few rare people that I can connect with on a deeper level, usually people who are also social misfits and who appear to share a significant part of my own problems.

With those few people, I can develop a reasonably satisfactory one-on-one relationship, probably because there's no need for the 'fake' outward appearances. What I absolutely cannot do, is function in a social group on any other level than a very superficial one. This is tough on the work floor, where you have to function somewhat. I consider myself lucky enough that I am able to function at my current job though, being surrounded by a few mostly non-judgemental people, who have little desire to connect outside work.

I feel as though there should be no need to play games in social contexts, but it appears the rest of mankind seems to disagree. That makes me feel really bitter. It makes life so difficult.


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## Kon

mechagirl said:


> I feel like I still don't want to be there talking with people...Maybe this is my Asperger's disorder coming thru...its like socializing is such an emotionally exhausting & unpleasant chore for me I'd rather be home by myself doing something I find interesting...have any of you been able to get rid of that "fake" feeling & learn to actually enjoy socializing? I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people. :|


No, I think it's an introversion/Asperger's thing. Socializing is a necessary annoyance for the exchange of ideas and to find one who shares similar interests/physical comfort/sex.


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## Snuffy

root said:


> This topic totally hits home with me. I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I realize more and more how I really do not enjoy being in social situations, but at the same time feeling this terrible guilt about not engaging those very same situations.
> 
> I feel as though there should be no need to play games in social contexts, but it appears the rest of mankind seems to disagree. That makes me feel really bitter. It makes life so difficult.


In my teens and twenties, people disliked me mostly because I was "strange". Now in my thirties, people dislike me because of the negative outlook that's grown on me like a poisonous black mold.

Having finally learned that it's necessary, I do communicate more than I used to/would like to, but what comes out of my mouth is so often involuntarily pessimistic that it would be better for me to remain silent. The people at work who approach me with chipperness sometimes walk away frowning, and for that I do feel guilty... Christmastime is especially difficult: co-workers hanging up decorations around the desks, excitedly chatting with each other about gift-buying and socializing... Meanwhile, I'm grumbling to myself over their noisiness - and if someone overhears me, I'm (understandably) shot a nasty look. Somehow, I've grown incapable of adopting other people's good moods; that in itself makes pleasant social get-togethers feel all the more out of reach.

Hiding from others still remains the best option for me -- not only to ease anxiety, but also to avoid spreading my surliness. It seems quite impossible to get out of this predicament now.


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## LALoner

"have any of you been able to get rid of that "fake" feeling & learn to actually enjoy socializing? I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people."

I have to really trust someone and be pretty much alone with them to stop faking things and if they hurt me in the slightest way I go back to fake and it takes me days or weeks to trust them again.


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## kebo

NaturalHUru said:


> I sometimes have to remind myself that humans are social beings.


That's interesting, My attempt in helping myself is reminding myself to stop calling others "The Normals" in my head. Bad Habit. I'd done this as a child into my late twenties - I think this placed a great distance between myself and getting help. Also, I gave up getting close to most because I thought they didn't have the capacity to understand and stuck with the few people who felt "safe"

"have any of you been able to get rid of that "fake" feeling & learn to actually enjoy socializing? I just cant ever see myself enjoying talking to people."

It depends on my mood, when I'm volunteering(helping people..this is where I win) or have similar interests with others. My great fails are when I worry or self sabotage myself beforehand by telling myself how scary it'll be(usually there's no point after I've worked myself up. Once the drama and violin music comes out...it's difficult to stop. I'm on a roll)


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## wside

i found this thread hoping to find a forum for real people, i read all these comments and i use to be exactly like you guys, i dont know how much you people have grown since when this thread was made but incase someone still checks this i have to put in my thoughts. society is fake. you people are smarter than the rest of the people around you because you do not accept simplicity like they do. nobody will ever get anywhere with each other if everyone is fake and cant find the power to search within themselves to comfortably speak what they truely mean. i believe most of you know what im talking about when i say that these same people that you make yourself socialize with are evil. i walk around all day focusing on what i think, and finding my peace of mind by knowing how i really feel about where im at,why, when, and who is around me. i cannot tell you how to act because only you know how you want to act but please try to be real, you will start to learn, and what you worked for for a week might be destroyed in a day but please do not keep being fake. today the world we live in is anything but good and you guys gotta come to realize that and study about the things you really care about. beleive me when i tell you it aint easy..but this is the only way i can find happiness in the way i act and i learn from it, and it lets me excel even faster than the fakes around me, and i search for the real people and strengthen them to think that we are superior, because we are.2pac is the realest motha****a to ever walk this earth when i listen to him speak it helps me find the power to be real. this is not a quick solution to your social problems. once you start to be real you begin to understand yourself more and more and you keep growing. be strong willed. dont let fakes drive you crazy, its hard but you gotta realize that when everyone around you is fake, that is the most important time to be real.


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## Mae West

Makaveli said:


> Maybe as individuals with SA we have wired ourselves in a way that the natural human element of socializing is foreign to us. Having said that, I was recently informed by the 2 people who took care of me the most outside of my parents (my Dads youngest brother and sister) that as a toddler I was always one to keep to myself and would be playing with my toys alone and be protective of possessions etc. This is interesting to me as it's definately shaped the way I am today.
> 
> I often find that socialising is a really fake thing and I'm referring to stuff like weddings, parties, clubs and functions/events. I just feel as though people are fake and not being themselves as compared to everyday life. Maybe it's just me (or us) but I find it all a big to do about nothing really. I've felt different socially with people I've spent my whole life with such as family (eg at a wedding) than I have when in a non confronting environment such as a lunch at home with the same people.
> 
> I honestly have succumbed to the fact that I'll never be an extrovert social type who loves to go out and have that big circle of friends and always going to nightspots, events and parties and whilst a large part of me longs for that connection and desire to be social and consistently outgoing, a small (but still relevant) part of me wants to accept that maybe it's not who I am at all and that this is perfectly fine, even though it's not seen as something that's a desirable and favourable quality to have (being the social type that is).


I think a lot of people with SA who have never been social in their life have very high expectations of the "social world." Correct me if I'm wrong but when you say "fake" are you referring to the fact that, in group situations such as parties and weddings people make small talk with each other? I've noticed small talk and ego boosting tend to make up most of the conversation. Then, when people are one on one or with a smaller group they let their guard down. I think the "point" of bigger group functions is to simply "check in with each other" and 'have fun." Also, big group situations might arouse anxiety in "normal" people which may cause them to act more superficial or fake.

I think when you determine whether you are a "social person" or not really comes down to your level of interest in other people. If you are interested in people you know and feel the need to "check in" with them on a regular basis than you are a "social person." If you are not that interested in others or are only interested in a few special people than you may not be a "social person." Either way, in my opinion, it's your call.


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## pickyone

Peanuts said:


> In my younger years socializing wasn't something I thought much about because it just seemed to happen. But as I grew older it's as if I switched bodies or minds with someone else. Even though I was a quiet kid I had a fair amount of friends but that number grew smaller as the years passed. Fast forward forty years and I feel like someone dropped me off on the wrong planet. I often find myself watching other people and thinking that I am like none of them and could never be. Even though I can initialize a conversation it doesn't mean I can keep it going and the day to day work place socializing is even harder. I know everyone has their own things to deal with but to me they still look more comfortable on any given day than I ever have in my life time.


This describes how I feel for the most part although I do have very social days (and they are few and far in between)


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## TenYears

I had a very rare episode last weekend in which I, somehow, was able to hold a normal conversation with an almost complete stranger for a few minutes.

I'm at Little League baseball practice, me & my son were one of the first ones there. We're borrowing the high school practice field. So I'm helping with the equipment, lots of confusion going on about which field to we're supposed to be at, we finally find the right one, & I started talking to one of the asst coaches, & it came off as totally natural, almost effortless. A very rare thing for me.

We were talking about generators, oddly enough, because he's in machine pitch baseball (the generator powers the machine). 

Anyway, it was all a waste. It was fake. I kind of wish I'd never talked to him at all.

He sits with my wife now at the baseball games, & barely acknowledges my existence. Maybe they're sleeping together. Wouldn't be surprised, given her track record over the last year or so.

It's all fake. It's all b.s. None of it's real. I laugh at the people who enjoy doing it, who love socializing, because it's all a game, it's all so rehearsed, it's not real, man. I hate it when I get forced into doing it. I even think sometimes people who put on this show, who socialize, "make conversation", fake it, are weak. It's not real, none of the people involved in the conversations are being real, it's all b.s. Sometimes I sit back & watch people doing this & laugh inside.


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