# Is it inappropriate for a guy to...



## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

OK so I'm a sensitive person and idk if I take things too seriously. But it really pisses me off when guys say they're "raping" you (as in kicking your butt in a game). A guy I'm kinda going out with told me that. Isn't it inappropriate for a guy to say that to a girl, even in that context?


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## Kilgore Trout (Aug 10, 2014)

I think the fact that you are kinda going out with him might change it from a rather insensitive thing to say to sort of a sexual reference.

But anyway, if I didn't like something my SO said I would somehow point it out to them in a "I'm not mad but don't say it again please" manner.


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## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

waterfairy said:


> OK so I'm a sensitive person and idk if I take things too seriously. But it really pisses me off when guys say they're "raping" you (as in kicking your butt in a game). A guy I'm kinda going out with told me that. Isn't it inappropriate for a guy to say that to a girl, even in that context?


I could definitely see myself taking the p*ss (depending on the comfort level of the relationship some of that could be risque) but I can't see me ever saying that TBH.

Maybe that's the way young people are speaking now :stu.

I'd see it like using the "N" word, while I'm "allowed" to use it I've never actually called someone that, why would I?

Come to think of it I don't even think I'd say it (the raping thing) during a role play scenario (you know what I'm talking about).

However at the end of the day what is considered appropriate is subjective, I don't really know if there's a consensus on telling people that you're raping them.


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## Witchblade (Jun 17, 2017)

You're not oversensitive, it's obviously inappropriate. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to say to other guys either. You should talk to him about it and if he doesn't take it seriously then cut him out of your life, you don't need to be around people like that.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

waterfairy said:


> OK so I'm a sensitive person and idk if I take things too seriously. But it really pisses me off when guys say they're "raping" you (as in kicking your butt in a game). A guy I'm kinda going out with told me that. Isn't it inappropriate for a guy to say that to a girl, even in that context?


 I don't really think anything is always inappropriate. There are too many different types of people who don't all think the same way.

That said, if you think it's inappropriate you should just say so and if they keep doing it just don't hang around them if you have that option.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

I mean he using it in a way to say he's winning in the game....not the best word to use but I don't think he means anything bad by it.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Well guys often say that to each other in their teenage years and some might continue it when they are older. But if he is in some sort of relationship with you then that's not really appropriate. He probably didnt mean it in a bad way. Maybe talk about it to him, or next time it happens? He might have not seen it as a bad thing or as a big deal.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

I'm a guy and that would offend me too. I wouldn't play with anyone who said they are raping me. I'd slap the controller off their hands and tell them to speak properly.

There are more polite ways to trash talk.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

He is being an immature ****.

Pardon my French, but sometimes I just can't mince my words.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

I think a lot of people use such figures of speech without even considering how offensive it could be (see the prevalence of phrases like "So gay" and "No ****" and "That's retarded," for example)...much of the time I don't think they intend to be insensitive...but yeah, it's a really crass way of saying something, and I do wish people would think more often before they speak. :/

I think I've seen women use this phrase too, and that doubly confuses me.


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## thestolentimes (Jun 21, 2017)

You are not being oversensitive. That is not okay, I would have told him off right away.


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## Chris S W (Mar 5, 2017)

I don't like to hear that kind of vulgar analogy either, and I think it does sound more inappropriate for a man to say to a woman. Although I can see the funny side, or use of it, from his point of view, like: he's dominating you so badly in the game that he might as well be raping you. But yeah, if you have a problem with that, tell him off. That's what my older brother's wife does to him, it's quite funny. Or talk to him and tell him your point of view on it.


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

It's tacky and poor sportsmanship imo


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## Vladimere (Sep 4, 2015)

No it's not. Not at all. There is reality and then there is the game. It's sh!ttalk and nothing more. Yes you are being a little sensitive. Don't focus on losing.

I've been gaming since home computers first hit the market. I'm old and grey. Sh!ttalk is just what guys do and really, it's his way of inviting you in. It's not really personal. It's just part of the challenge. And after hearing and saying "you got raped" thousands of times, I haven't gotten layed once (damnit). Of course there is such a thing as a male sh!ttest as well. Possible relationship innuendos aside, yes your taking it personally.

Is he really a rapist nightmare monster? Or a cute guy? There is reality and then there is the game. Stop worrying.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Vladimere said:


> And after hearing and saying *"you got raped"* thousands of times, *I haven't gotten layed* once (damnit).


:|

It's odd that you think there's a comparison to be made there.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

Thanks for the input everyone. 

He texted me that last night and I just ignored his text. I'm afraid I'll come off as uptight if I say anything. The funny thing is, I won, but he said he was raping me in the beginning. Idk if he said it because he was getting annoyed that I was teasing him about it. Honestly I don't even like him that much so is it even worth the aggravation?

These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


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## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

waterfairy said:


> Thanks for the input everyone.
> 
> He texted me that last night and I just ignored his text. I'm afraid I'll come off as uptight if I say anything. The funny thing is, I won, but he said he was raping me in the beginning. Idk if he said it because he was getting annoyed that I was teasing him about it. Honestly I don't even like him that much so is it even worth the aggravation?
> 
> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


I say speak up (anxiety permitting), they're probably just be trying to banter but misjudging the tone and crossing the line. Not all guys would cross the line and not all of those that do would continue to do so if you made them aware.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

*
*

looks like it is not considered socially acceptable:


> *StarCraft 2 player kicked from tournament after rape comment*
> 
> Professional _StarCraft 2_ player Mihaylo Hayda has been kicked from a qualifying match following tweets stating he will "rape" his female opponent during their match, Kotaku reports.


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## Chris S W (Mar 5, 2017)

waterfairy said:


> Thanks for the input everyone.
> 
> He texted me that last night and I just ignored his text. I'm afraid I'll come off as uptight if I say anything. The funny thing is, I won, but he said he was raping me in the beginning. Idk if he said it because he was getting annoyed that I was teasing him about it. Honestly I don't even like him that much so is it even worth the aggravation?
> 
> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


Not all guys are like that. I'm not even sure if that's normal. I don't think it is.


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

@waterfairy

I think it's pretty normal among online gamers to use words like that, and often I don't think it they mean by it. It's very easy to throw a couple of words at someone you'll talk for 5 minutes and then never ever see again. You heard the insult a couple of times and then start using it yourself against them. Suddenly you have said it thousands of times, and it just becomes a word you use out of habit, and not because you necessarily mean anything when using them. I think it is one of those words that holds no value, worth or meaning to gamers. It's like saying "Good game" to someone you just beat 100-0 in a basketball game - it really wasn't a good game but you say it out of habit anyway.

I can understand it may sound disrespectful and bad to non online-gamers, but really I don't think he meant anything by it.. Still, if you find that kind of language inappropriate tell him.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

waterfairy said:


> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


Take a closer look at the segment of men you're hanging out with, attracting or seeking out, and how to find alternatives. I don't think I've heard a guy make "jokes" like those my whole life.

And be more assertive about what you don't like -- perhaps it's a gradual process where when you don't object to their less extreme inappropriateness they get worse and worse until they're stopped.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

Ominous Indeed said:


> @waterfairy
> 
> I think it's pretty normal among online gamers to use words like that, and often I don't think it they mean by it. It's very easy to throw a couple of words at someone you'll talk for 5 minutes and then never ever see again. You heard the insult a couple of times and then start using it yourself against them. Suddenly you have said it thousands of times, and it just becomes a word you use out of habit, and not because you necessarily mean anything when using them. I think it is one of those words that holds no value, worth or meaning to gamers. It's like saying "Good game" to someone you just beat 100-0 in a basketball game - it really wasn't a good game but you say it out of habit anyway.
> 
> I can understand it may sound disrespectful and bad to non online-gamers, but really I don't think he meant anything by it.. Still, if you find that kind of language inappropriate tell him.


We weren't playing online though. He was referring to Scrabble lol


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

Paul said:


> Take a closer look at the segment of men you're hanging out with, attracting or seeking out, and how to find alternatives. I don't think I've heard a guy make "jokes" like those my whole life.
> 
> And be more assertive about what you don't like -- perhaps it's a gradual process where when you don't object to their less extreme inappropriateness they get worse and worse until they're stopped.


I hate to say it but it really does seem like I attract guys like that. Idk why... But for that reason, I think that I'm the problem. It makes me think that I'm too sensitive.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

I told the guy that I didn't like what he said and instead of simply leaving it at "I'm sorry," he had to go onto labeling it as "non-PC." The thing is, we've both established that we hate PC culture, so it seemed like a weird thing to say. Label it what you want, but I don't like when guys say that they're "raping" me and based on many of your responses, I doubt many girls would.


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## Vladimere (Sep 4, 2015)

tehuti88 said:


> :|
> 
> It's odd that you think there's a comparison to be made there.


I don't understand why it's odd. Unless your trying to infer that an actual rape, a real one is some how inconsequential for male victims because women somehow suffer trauma worse than men. I'm sure that's not where your going here.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

waterfairy said:


> he had to go onto labeling it as "non-PC." The thing is, we've both established that we hate PC culture, so it seemed like a weird thing to say.


For most people, "I hate PC culture" is a way of saying "I'm racist/sexist/homophobic/insensitive and I'm damned tired of people complaining when I show it." (For the rest, it's a way of saying they love how their Mac makes them special.)


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

The thing about guys who say that while playing games is they sound like 12 year old boys trying to be 19 year old dudebros who act like 12 year old boys.

also this:



> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


Isn't funny on any level.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

Afreen88 said:


> Your being 'too sensitive' is not the problem. It sounds like you don't respect your own feelings and you're too accommodating. Although I understand it's difficult, you don't need anyone to 'confirm' whether what you feel is right or wrong. What you feel is what you feel and someone such as a partner should listen, respect and take your hurt feelings on board. Simple as that. I suggest you talk to your partner, tell him you felt uncomfortable with what he said and you're expecting not to be spoken to like that again.


You're probably right. But I think I feel this way because my ex and I constantly fought over the insensitive things he said. I can't help but think that I take things too seriously for this reason.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

Paul said:


> For most people, "I hate PC culture" is a way of saying "I'm racist/sexist/homophobic/insensitive and I'm damned tired of people complaining when I show it." (For the rest, it's a way of saying they love how their Mac makes them special.)


Well none of those words describe me. Please, let's not make this political. My point is, it seems like he gave a backhanded apology.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

It is _clearly_ an inappropriate thing to say (regardless of intent). I actually remember in my old WoW guild (which was a guild for "mature" players) someone said something akin to that in guild chat and one of the women in guild reacted _very_ badly (it turned out she had been sexually abused as a kid).

So yeh, although the intent to cause harm might not be there, the _actual_ harm most certainly can be, and it's an inappropriate (and stupid) thing to say.


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## Sabk (Jun 15, 2017)

Weird and stupid, definitely.

Inappropriate, that'd depend on my mood. Sometimes I just let phrases like that slide because I can't find it in myself to care one way or another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Witchblade (Jun 17, 2017)

waterfairy said:


> Thanks for the input everyone.
> 
> He texted me that last night and I just ignored his text. I'm afraid I'll come off as uptight if I say anything. The funny thing is, I won, but he said he was raping me in the beginning. Idk if he said it because he was getting annoyed that I was teasing him about it. Honestly I don't even like him that much so is it even worth the aggravation?
> 
> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


There are some decent guys, don't lose sleep over ditching these pricks. Jokes aren't innocent or harmless just because they're jokes, communication doesn't work that way. Why is the idea of slipping something into your drink funny? I'm not saying he would do the actions he's joking about, but you need to be concerned with what makes it funny to him, and what that says about his feelings on consent and you. When someone uses rape as shorthand for victory, I'm not saying all of them are necessarily going to go as far as to rape someone, but what does that say about his thoughts on consent? At the very least, he has no respect for rape victims who might hear what he's saying, and really he doesn't have respect for anyone because who would even tell a guy like that something so personal, so he doesn't know.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

waterfairy said:


> I told the guy that I didn't like what he said and instead of simply leaving it at "I'm sorry," he had to go onto labeling it as "non-PC." The thing is, we've both established that we hate PC culture, so it seemed like a weird thing to say. Label it what you want, but I don't like when guys say that they're "raping" me and based on many of your responses, I doubt many girls would.


This would be the clincher for me. Problematic colloquialisms and misunderstandings are one thing, as some people don't fully comprehend the power behind the things they say nor the social/emotional/political baggage. They're not trying to hurt you, they're just not thinking. They don't know. It's another, however, when someone _tells_ them something they've said hurts them, and instead of being genuinely apologetic for causing distress/discomfort (intentionally or not, agreeing on the nature of the interaction or not), they lecture and/or back-handedly insult the person for having the audacity to be "so sensitive" or "so PC." The conversation instead becomes one of strategic blame-shifting, whether it's a matter of embarrassment at being confronted or simply petty anger. Suddenly, it's not about you anymore; it never could have been...it's only about the way your feelings influence their feelings, and whose feelings get the privilege of validity.

Spoiler alert: it's not yours.

It's asinine, duplicitous, selfish, and immature--the mark of someone more motivated by the breadth and safety of their ego than the well-being of those around them.

None prime relationship qualities.



Vladimere said:


> I don't understand why it's odd. Unless your trying to infer that an actual rape, a real one is some how inconsequential for male victims because women somehow suffer trauma worse than men. I'm sure that's not where your going here.


Pretty sure she was referring to your seeming conflation of being raped and "getting laid" (i.e. consensual sex), not the consequences of rape on male victims' lives.


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## Twilightforce (Aug 7, 2016)

Yeah


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

waterfairy said:


> Thanks for the input everyone.
> 
> He texted me that last night and I just ignored his text. I'm afraid I'll come off as uptight if I say anything. The funny thing is, I won, but he said he was raping me in the beginning. Idk if he said it because he was getting annoyed that I was teasing him about it. Honestly I don't even like him that much so is it even worth the aggravation?
> 
> These incidents just make me wonder if this is how guys are. This other guy I'm dating made a couple of jokes about slipping something into my drink (obvious joke but still) and smacking me around. He also said he usually smacks and bullies other women around but not me. Again, obvious jokes (I think) but I don't like them. I'm always afraid to say anything about this stuff.


Where are you meeting these guys?? A psych hospital?? The chainsaw killer guy at the psych hospital used to say he would like to slip some LSD into my drink as a joke. And he wasn't really joking. He managed to put a piece of feces into some other guy's Pepsi. He was a raging narcissist.


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## catcharay (Sep 15, 2011)

Ai said:


> This would be the clincher for me. Problematic colloquialisms and misunderstandings are one thing, as some people don't fully comprehend the power behind the things they say nor the social/emotional/political baggage. They're not trying to hurt you, they're just not thinking. They don't know. *It's another, however, when someone tells them something they've said hurts them, and instead of being genuinely apologetic for causing distress/discomfort (intentionally or not, agreeing on the nature of the interaction or not), they lecture and/or back-handedly insult the person for having the audacity to be "so sensitive" or "so PC."* The conversation instead becomes one of strategic blame-shifting, whether it's a matter of embarrassment at being confronted or simply petty anger. Suddenly, it's not about you anymore; it never could have been...it's only about the way your feelings influence their feelings, and whose feelings get the privilege of validity.
> 
> Spoiler alert: it's not yours.
> 
> ...


Exactly this.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Vladimere said:


> I don't understand why it's odd. Unless your trying to infer that an actual rape, a real one is some how inconsequential for male victims because women somehow suffer trauma worse than men. I'm sure that's not where your going here.


:|



tehuti88 said:


> It says a lot that you seem to consider this a normal female reaction. Do you ridicule male rape, too? (My answer: Not even once. Not that any of the guys around here have ever noticed in the least when I or other women stood up for male rape victims, they're too busy insisting we have it easy. I guess our support for men means nothing.)





tehuti88 said:


> Here is one of the "male versus female" issues on which I actually agree. It always disturbs me how when male rape comes up, there are such wildly dismissive views about it...including a few in this very thread.
> 
> Why are prison rape jokes even a thing...? Not amusing in the least.





tehuti88 said:


> Pretty flippant responses to the issue of male rape...not that I'm surprised. Even the article doesn't seem to take it seriously.
> 
> I bet the victim didn't find it amusing...





tehuti88 said:


> I do agree with you regarding the treatment male victims usually receive, and it's something that frustrates me too. This feeling can often be missed/overlooked when I'm ranting in defense of women, but it's there. It's bad enough to be raped. It's even worse when all you get is ridicule or disbelief about it. (I hate thinking about what this guy might face after his recovery. I wouldn't be surprised if he got some joking. :/ )
> 
> ...
> 
> So, I should treat male rape frivolously, then? Somehow I get the feeling that wouldn't have gone over very well.





tehuti88 said:


> I speak out against male rape and the ridicule the victims receive all the time. But guys here never notice when I do.
> 
> And based on what I've seen, most ridicule aimed at male rape victims, at least on this forum (though I've seen it elsewhere in the media as well), comes from other males. I can't count how many times I've seen threads about underage boys being raped by their female teachers and guys here snicker, "Yeahhhh, I'd love to be 'raped' like that!" There's even the occasional comment expressing doubt that guys can be raped (by women). Plus the ever-awful "Don't drop the soap" jokes.
> 
> So...here's one voice who has criticized similar actions in the past. (I could go on a bit longer.) Guys ignore my voice. What am I supposed to do if I speak up in guys' favor and they don't even listen to me...? :/





tehuti88 said:


> A more extreme example are male rape (both statutory and forcible)/prison rape jokes. I see those all the time, including here on SAS, and it really disturbs me. What confuses me even more is that most such jokes come from other guys. :| I don't understand why such a thing is not only "acceptable," but is even considered so humorous in the first place.
> 
> Female rape might be disbelieved or ridiculed sometimes, but it's usually not considered to be humorous. So why is it different with male rape...? :|





tehuti88 said:


> ...Oh, and have fun conveniently forgetting about male rape victims, as always (who usually end up snickered at and disbelieved by--you got it--other men). Women have to remind you of this? You guys do your own gender another disservice.





tehuti88 said:


> Considering that the first part of your post makes mention only of female rape victims, and seems to disregard the fact that there are male rape victims too, I'd say that yes, you have bias. And oddly, some of that bias is against your own gender.





tehuti88 said:


> Oh my goodness. THANK YOU for bringing this up, I hadn't thought about it.
> 
> I hear so many male rape/prison rape "jokes" it makes me want to vomit. (Sadly, the majority of such jokes seem to come from other men. But I won't say more on that issue, just pointing out how little it's taken seriously by one's fellows. No wonder men don't want to report it when it happens.)
> 
> ...





tehuti88 said:


> Here's an interesting observation I've made, on this forum you'll probably find a lot more women who believe in/are sympathetic toward victims of female-on-male rape (both nonconsensual, and statutory), and a lot more guys who disbelieve in/doubt the very concept of female-on-male rape, downplay it, or else think it's something sexy _*that they would want*_. (Which is...the very _opposite_ of what rape means.)
> 
> If a thread about a female teacher involved in statutory rape of a male student ever pops up around here, take note of the responses--and the genders of the respondents--carefully...they'll be enlightening. A lot (not all, not most, but a lot) of the derision toward male victims...is from men.
> 
> Anyway, I echo those who say violence of any kind, except in defense, is bad, no matter who's dishing it or who's taking it. I won't comment on the phrasing or motivations of anti-violence campaigns, it'd just devolve into quibbling as always.





tehuti88 said:


> I've never found male prison rape jokes funny...have never understood why anyone would. Rape, male or female, prison or not, isn't funny, period. :/


Yes...quite clearly, I was saying that men don't suffer nearly as much when they're raped. How could anyone draw any other conclusion. :serious:
_(That there is sarcasm...I shouldn't have to type that, but I will just in case. If "you're sure" that's not what I meant, then why did you suggest that it is?)_



Ai said:


> Pretty sure she was referring to your seeming conflation of being raped and "getting laid" (i.e. consensual sex), not the consequences of rape on male victims' lives.


^ That right there.

The alternate interpretation of my earlier comment is...bizarre. :| I thought the bolded sections made my meaning quite clear.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

waterfairy said:


> We weren't playing online though. He was referring to Scrabble lol


I guess that does make it more amusing... Because it's _scrabble_. Like if you think about it, of all the games.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I guess that does make it more amusing... Because it's _scrabble_. Like if you think about it, of all the games.


I can't even picture that, someone going on like that over Scrabble. A very intense game for some people, apparently.


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## 2Milk (Oct 29, 2014)

I only use that online. I've never used it irl because it just sounds bad.


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## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

To be honest I used to make jokes like that when I was 13-15 so I understand that he just probably doesn't understand or care the implications or impact words like that have. I would never make a joke using that word now. But sometimes I still make offcolor jokes (not talking about rape though, but just generally offensive I guess).

Judging from the people I've dated so far I don't see myself ever dating someone who says that but... to be honest I don't mind offensive humor as long as it's clear to me that the person doesn't actually hold those views. Even so... this guy seems like a douche and like he might be in fact sexist, at the very least an idiot, if he can't get why a joke about "raping you" while you guys are dating isn't concerning. He sounds like an idiot going HAM over a game of scrabble and also brushing off your comments with the whole "PC" thing. I would dump him, if you haven't already.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

@Witchblade I agree that making comments like that is messed up, but it seems like that's the norm nowadays :/ I don't wanna just straight up dump these guys for what they've said, but at the same time idk if talking to them about is enough. It doesn't change their perception of things. I hear what you all are saying, but I'm just afraid that I'm overreacting to things that most guys do (at least, from my experience, most guys talk like this). 
@Ai He didn't straight up say that I was wrong for being mad at him, but it sure seemed like it to me. But yeah why not apologize genuinely and leave it at that? I don't understand why people seem to get offended when you point out stuff like that.
@scarpia No, on OkCupid :lol
@roxslide I honestly don't even really like him, but idk how to tell him lol


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

What about when a guy says it would be romantic if he threw me off a pier?? lol


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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

waterfairy said:


> What about when a guy says it would be romantic if he threw me off a pier?? lol


Lol, what the ****?


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

waterfairy said:


> I don't wanna just straight up dump these guys for what they've said


If, after you've educated him about why these types of comments aren't appropriate, he still does it without any effort to cut it out, then that seems like a red flag. A glaring one at that, because if a guy can't wrap his brain around how it's inappropriate or if he's too blockheaded to even consider it, then how else is this attitude going to manifest itself in the future?



waterfairy said:


> I'm just afraid that I'm overreacting to things that most guys do (at least, from my experience, most guys talk like this).


Taking offense or issue with this is definitely not overreactive. It's *grossly* inappropriate.

As for '_most guys talking like this_', maybe you're hanging out with a bad crowd or something. Personally, I can only recall a handful of instances in my life where I've heard "rape" being used like this, and jokes about domestic violence have also been extremely rare. Mind you, I don't spend much real-world time with other guys, but that does include 13 years working in an online gaming environment with countless... 'unfiltered people'.

Maybe this is a geographical thing, like if "a place far, far away" happens to be the deep American South or some place like that. I guess some areas would be more prone to this type of thing than others.

A lot of guys are disgusting, offensive, sexist pigs -- there's no doubt about it, but there are a lot of guys who... are not... as well.


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## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

waterfairy said:


> What about when a guy says it would be romantic if he threw me off a pier?? lol


I honestly think that joke could be funny depending on the conversation (not just out of nowhere) and would probably respond with something just as vile... like I think it would be romantic to keep his head in my refrigerator lol. But you have to be careful about joking about stuff like that with someone you don't know well. I'm not sure it says that he's violent but I think it definitely says that he has no tact and little emotional intelligence if he keeps saying stuff like that without realizing you are uncomfortable about it.


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## Kandice (Jan 26, 2017)

That was inappropriate and guys like him needed to be called out for that behavior. Stay away from disgusting guys like that; they don't deserve to be in a relationship.


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

Yeah if he's really into you he can change that. I've had to change some of the immature things I used to say also. All part of becoming an adult.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

waterfairy said:


> @Witchblade I agree that making comments like that is messed up, but it seems like that's the norm nowadays :/ I don't wanna just straight up dump these guys for what they've said, but at the same time idk if talking to them about is enough. It doesn't change their perception of things. I hear what you all are saying, but I'm just afraid that I'm overreacting to things that most guys do (at least, from my experience, most guys talk like this).


It's very common for people to use that kind of phrase in online gaming, so it isn't surprising to me, nor does it inherently indicate he is malicious or doesn't care about rape even, it could just be a case of him being so immersed in a culture that he has picked up the language and has started using it without much thought.

But... As others have noted, the point here is that he tried to suggest you are being politically correct, and that its no big deal (after you told them you were offended). That does raise a red flag.

Now it might be that he knows, really, that he shouldn't be saying things like that and is trying to convince you as an attempt to convince _himself_ using that kind of phrase isn't a bad thing (especially if it is a phrase he has used a lot). After all, nobody likes accepting they have been doing something ****ty even if it is by accident. This isn't a great sign either, but its better than him trying to shift the blame with purposeful intent (that is a very big red flag).

What I would personally do when dealing with someone who uses that phrase, would be to say something like:

"Would you still say that to me if I had been raped?" and (if he says no) "How would you know I hadn't been?".

The only correct reaction to that, imo, would be to immediately understand why using that kind of phrase isn't appropriate. Someone who attempts to justify the continued use of that phrase, when they realise they might be saying it to someone who may have been raped, isn't someone you should associate with.


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## forgetmylife (Oct 1, 2011)

here's my opinion

if you guys haven't been dating long and/or don't know each other super well (like super close friends or soulmates), then i'd say that's a pretty off the wall thing to say to a girl, especially to her face... even if it doesn't bother the girl... and it bothers you

guys will say anything amongst themselves though, and I do not agree with policing language, especially anything said in private (if it's even possible to police language in private conversations lol)

if it bothers you, and I can see how it would, it's your choice to associate or not associate with whomever you want based on whatever variables you choose (in this case choice of words/language/personality)... that or speak up and voice your thoughts/feelings

though, if i was with my soulmate, a long-time best friend, or a group of good guy friends, I'd want to be able to say/feel comfortable knowing I could say basically whatever I wanted (as long as I wasn't like coming at them personally or specifically, starting a fight, or verbally abusing them etc.). But they'd have to be ok with me and with who I really am and that includes what I choose to say in private. And they probably would be ok with that because otherwise they wouldn't be my best friend or soulmate for example in the first place...

there's no standard here and the conversation or whatever you wanna call it took place in private... therefore, it's really a subjective judgement you have to make. Everyone's different and people are ok or not ok with different things. There's no standard (or I should say law rather) here, although you could say there are common unwritten social rules. One would be that you don't tell a girl that you haven't been with for long that you are raping her in a video game. Just sounds awkward and off-the-wall...

and yea if you end up saying that to someone who actually has been raped, that's not good at all

then again, if you guys do bang then.... loljk, Im just jealous


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

To add a little more on this, and to provide some context (and why this isn't about political correctness or free speech)..

Rape is an _unbelievably_ risky thing to joke about. Many people don't appreciate how common rape and sexual assault are because its something that isn't openly talked about. Putting aside everything except the probability that he might say this to someone who has been raped:

http://webarchive.nationalarchives....view-of-sexual-offending-in-england-and-wales



> Around one in twenty females (aged 16 to 59) reported being a victim of a most serious sexual offence since the age of 16. Extending this to include other sexual offences such as sexual threats, unwanted touching or indecent exposure, this increased to one in five females reporting being a victim since the age of 16.


So if this guy says it to 5 women, he is almost guaranteed to say it to someone who has suffered some kind of sexual offence. And of those 5 women he has a 25% chance of saying "I am raping you" to someone who has been literally been raped.

So yeh, fairly conclusively not an appropriate thing to say, imo.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

waterfairy said:


> I hear what you all are saying, but I'm just afraid that I'm overreacting to *things that most guys do* (at least, from my experience, most guys talk like this)


Even if that _were_ true (and I really don't think it is), you owe it to yourself to be with someone who doesn't make you uncomfortable. If that's not "most guys," then that might limit your pool a bit... but it certainly doesn't eliminate it.

Settling for anything less than what you need in a partner does neither of you any service in the long run. And there definitely _are_ respectful men out there.


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## Going Sane (Oct 24, 2012)

lmao..


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

waterfairy said:


> @Witchblade I agree that making comments like that is messed up, but it seems like that's the norm nowadays :/ I don't wanna just straight up dump these guys for what they've said, but at the same time idk if talking to them about is enough. It doesn't change their perception of things. I hear what you all are saying, but I'm just afraid that I'm overreacting to things that most guys do (at least, from my experience, most guys talk like this).


 Well, here's the thing. If it bothers you, it bothers you. You don't need to explain yourself all that thoroughly. If someone says something like that to someone else and someone else gets upset about it, it should be obvious why.

It's fundamentally a ghetto sounding way to talk to someone and I'd be kind of worried about someone who doesn't understand why it might be offensive. While it sounds very much like a figure of speech you have a perfect right to be offended by it. It's not mysterious.


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## Lohikaarme (Aug 28, 2013)

waterfairy said:


> What about when a guy says it would be romantic if he threw me off a pier?? lol


If he likes to joke about "raping" you in games (Scrabble no less..), throwing you off the pier etc. there's plenty more where those came from...
Do you really wanna stay with that guy? He'd better have legendary prowess or something... cause he's clearly lacking in the humor department


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Considering the most commonly accepted definition of the word? Inappropriate and a poor choice of words at the very least.


But, just for consideration, one of the other definitions is "an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despolation"


99.8% would use/assume the primary definition, but just throwing this out there.


To be clear, not condoning or excusing, just expanding the discussion.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Afreen88 said:


> Abusing, plundering, violence..? Is this a better thing to be joking about? I don't get it.
> 
> You've made it sound like the primary definition of rape is inappropriate to joke about and this one isn't.


No...I'm not saying that....at all...but good job inciting conflict.

I'm merely offering that there are other meanings that aren't sexually charged.

If someone says, "I'm going to destroy you!", will you still take exception? Where would you like the line drawn?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk


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## reese444 (Dec 28, 2016)

if a guy is joking about rape that's really creepy


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Going crazy said:


> lmao..


SUPER helpful! Thanks for contributing. :smile2:


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## Vladimere (Sep 4, 2015)

Ai said:


> Pretty sure she was referring to your seeming conflation of being raped and "getting laid" (i.e. consensual sex), not the consequences of rape on male victims' lives.


No conflation really. There was no sex, consensual or otherwise after online banter. It's straightforward unless someone is trying hard to read into it. That is the point. If you try to find it you will do the mental gymnastics until you do find it. It's intellectually dishonest.


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## SorryForMyEnglish (Oct 9, 2014)

It is inappropriate. It's become their normal communication but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't raise your concern when they say that.


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## SorryForMyEnglish (Oct 9, 2014)

_Staff edit_

@*waterfairy* you can be against whatever you want but when you find something uncomfortable say it, don't suppress yourself for this guy to like you more as a cool ''pc culture-hating'' girl. What else are you going to sacrifice just for him to feel more comfortable with you?


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

@Just Lurking Might be my location. I don't live in the classiest part of the world lol
@roxslide That's part of the problem. Idk these guys very well and they're talking like that. And idk how to respond in an equally odd way because I just don't think like that lol
@splendidbob Yeah if he would have just said, "Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." And left it at that then I would have moved on. He even started saying that he thinks it's "non-pc" because you can argue that it insults people who do get raped but that it wasn't cool regardless. Then if he agrees it wasn't cool, then why did he bring politics into it? It seemed irrelevant to me. And like you said, rape is incredibly common. How the heck would he know if I'd been raped or not? Rape victims don't have "I'm a rape victim" written on their forehead. Also, if he knew that it offended me, wouldn't the thought cross his mind that maybe I was raped? It seems weird that he was more concerned with the issue of political correctness as opposed to how I felt about what he said.
@Afreen88 I think you made some good points. I'm gonna probably dump one of the guys, but the other guy is pretty cool overall. So I think I'm gonna wait and see what happens. If he says something else that's offensive, I'll let him know and see if he stops. 
@Lohikaarme These are two different guys I'm talking about lol One said he was "raping" me at Scrabble, and the other made a joke about slipping something into my drink and throwing me off the pier. 
@SorryForMyEnglish I guess I should just be more straightforward with how I feel and go from there. And if the guy doesn't respect that, then I'll dump him. I went through the same thing with my ex though. Told him constantly to stop saying hurtful things and he kept doing it. I'm not gonna put up with that again.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

tehuti88 said:


> SUPER helpful! Thanks for contributing. :smile2:


Lol my thoughts exactly :grin2:


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## StoneSean (Jun 17, 2017)

Everytime after i had sex with my gf i always say "you just got raped".

So far she have no problem with it.


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## waterfairy (Oct 20, 2016)

StoneSean said:


> Everytime after i had sex with my gf i always say "you just got raped".
> 
> So far she have no problem with it.


What the fu...


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## Going Sane (Oct 24, 2012)

tehuti88 said:


> SUPER helpful! Thanks for contributing. :smile2:





waterfairy said:


> Lol my thoughts exactly :grin2:


lol, was going to give my take on it but i think waterfairy got more than enough feedback already. 
i thought it was odd but kind of hilarious tht that guy would say that, but people say dumb **** all the time.

Best thing to do is give the person some kind of sign tht you are not comfortable with their behavior or what they said, sometimes they are too used to saying **** like tht or they can also have little respect so it is better to cut them off.

there , i contributed !


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