# Friends not really being friends after all. The paranoid mind or reality?



## The Sleeping Dragon (Sep 29, 2011)

Hi,

I'm pretty much paranoid a lot. Even with friends and what their motives might be, such as certain comments they make. Lately I'm starting to think a few of my friends aren't that good of friends and that I've been valuing my friendship with them too much. Usually I just look at how long I know somebody and base on that that we're good friends. It seems logical. 

Example: two of my friends in the group sometimes make little remarks that cut really deep. Is this banter? Is this just male friendsip where you do that? I don't know. Maybe they are just being infantile, refusing to grow up. But I honestly don't know if I'm blowing this up regardless what the truth might be. 

It usually is in the relationship department, that I never been in one that is. It hurts like hell when they do that. I don't comment on it I usually just ignore it. But it brings me down. And usually for the rest of the day or a good chunk of it. And always it crosses my mind that they do this to get some sort of sick power of it. But I don't know why. They have it all. Girls, carreer, degree, house, car. In sort they are very succesful people. It's not very often that they do this though. Am I defending them too much?

How do I deal with friends who overstep? I don't want to be a whiny ***** about it, yet I also want them to realise they are being *******s in my eyes. And I'm starting to resent them for it. Yet I still view them as good people, and friends, and I wish I could keep it that way.

Also a short questions for those who never been in a relationship. Do your friends ever ask you or engage you in a coversation about why you never been in a relationship, not even a fling? They never do with me. At most I get a "oh but you are just shy" comment. But common, they are smart people, and they must know this is not normal? Right? Or can people be that blind?

Don't get me wrong. I am glad nobody asks. It's embarrassing. But it is always normal for friends to worry, no? Secretly... I'm worried that nobody ever asks for the following reason. That I'm so unattractive physically and mentally that it's obvious I'll be alone forever, that it is hard to even imagine that I could end up in a relationship. Nobody likes telling a good friend that he is a freak.

Sorry for the long post.


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## CrystalizedLove (Dec 29, 2014)

They probably don't realize it causes you this much pain. You should say something like "hey, that's not cool" next time they make a comment. If they don't stop once they realize it upsets you, you should probably find new friends. 
I would also tell you not to be so hard on yourself. You probably don't want to hear this but.... Lots of people of all ages have been single their whole lives. It's not an indicator of a character flaw, it just means you haven't met the right person. And it certainly doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.


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## The Sleeping Dragon (Sep 29, 2011)

CrystalizedLove said:


> They probably don't realize it causes you this much pain. You should say something like "hey, that's not cool" next time they make a comment. If they don't stop once they realize it upsets you, you should probably find new friends.
> I would also tell you not to be so hard on yourself. You probably don't want to hear this but.... Lots of people of all ages have been single their whole lives. It's not an indicator of a character flaw, it just means you haven't met the right person. And it certainly doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.


You are probebly right, thanks.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

I'm glad you brought the paranoia vs. reality dilemma here. It's something that I always think about.

The real difficulty that I have with these types of thoughts is that what if it is both? In that I am being paranoid, but that I'm not wrong about my assessment of them either? What am I supposed to do if they're BOTH applicable?


Sorry if it seems like I'm hijacking your thread.


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## The Sleeping Dragon (Sep 29, 2011)

BlazingLazer said:


> I'm glad you brought the paranoia vs. reality dilemma here. It's something that I always think about.
> 
> The real difficulty that I have with these types of thoughts is that what if it is both? In that I am being paranoid, but that I'm not wrong about my assessment of them either? What am I supposed to do if they're BOTH applicable?
> 
> Sorry if it seems like I'm hijacking your thread.


Yeah sounds familiar. The irony is that you can never be sure. But it's a faux pas to actually ask somebody about it (in real life).

(And you're on topic so I don't see any hijackers. )


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

The Sleeping Dragon said:


> Yeah sounds familiar. The irony is that you can never be sure. But it's a faux pas to actually ask somebody about it (in real life).
> 
> (And you're on topic so I don't see any hijackers. )


 Ok, no worries then.

Yeah, you really can never be sure. That's why it's difficult what to do next. And yeah, if you were to ask somebody, I get the impression they would pick up that you would come off as insecure and maybe a little nuts, haha.

There's that saying "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" that comes to mind here.


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## DespicableWeakling (Sep 9, 2015)

No one truly has friends. In some countries (most asian countries and the UK), people are quite explicitly not interested in you. In loads of other western european countries and the US, I've noticed an attitude I like to call the phony treatment. Basically, they hug you, seem excited, kiss you on the cheeks, treat you like family. Then, ask them for a ride somewhere, and they'll just say "**** no." They don't really care about you, it's an act.

This makes it increasingly difficult to bond with people in those phony countries.


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