# Struggling at new job



## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

I have a new job, finally in the field I want to be in. It was a real struggle to get through the interview process (had 2 interview rounds, verbal reasoning, phone interview, standard stuff in a big organisation). (Skip to last paragraph for problem)
When I had started the previous job, I had a really hard time right at the start, including terrible social anxiety in meetings where I had to introduce myself, and then those dreaded meetings where we had to 'go around the room' and explain our work. I hated that job really, but I think I slowly improved through constant exposure to it.

I knew I needed some sort of medication to make things easier when starting this new job. Beforehand, all I had taken was Propranolol, when needed, before big meetings I feared the most. This time I asked my doctor for escitalopram, an SSRI. SSRI definitely worked on the anxiety front but I suffered from terrible insomnia, and debilitating sexual side effects. Quit after two weeks.

Really wanted something that worked. Told doctor of insomnia so was prescribed Mirtazipine 15mg. I couldn't really tell if this worked. It made me happier but didn't do much for depression, made me sexually numb, and 'depolarized' emotionally - almost like I couldn't feel certain emotions like nostalgia, effect of music etc.. didnt like it. I finally decided I didn't like medication and stopped cold turkey after 2 more weeks (4 weeks in total on medication).

My sex life jumped back into life. What an amazing feeling. Surprisingly I didn't suffer any major withdrawal effects. However within7 days my anxiety returned.

My main struggle at work is this. Performance in meetings. When I need to string more than a paragraph together with a room of say 10 or more people, I fail miserably. If I'm put on the spot, my mind will go blank causing me to rush through what I'm saying and try to get the attention off me as quickly as possible. But if I don't say anything I'll end up feeling depressed because of job performance impact. It is the fear of the mind going blank that then causes all the physical symptoms to come. Racing heart, red face etc. I'm almost 30 and I still can't get over this and am losing hope. What else can I try? I also get frustrated at colleagues who know so much less than me on a topic but take charge in the meetings, saying what I wanted to say.


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## Artnot (Dec 25, 2015)

Are you actually being told that you are under performing or is this sort of a self-evaluation?


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

In the meetings? No. But anyone can feel they are underperforming if they are unable to listen and communicate effectively in them. What's the point of working extremely hard, knowing everything, but have nobody recognise or know what you know due to anxiety?


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*Compete*

3rd finga:grin2:

don't back down


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

you decided to stop breeding?



bruised said:


> i stopped reading at sex life


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

I've tried not backing down. Sometimes it's better to keep the mouth shut, than take the risk of saying what you want to say, and explode into a near panic attack (red face, sweaty palms, shaky voice. People in the room just feel sorry for you, and impacts your career more than if you'd just have kept your mouth shut.
Of course, when you are put on the spot by someone else (e.g. Jamie, can you tell us how your system works etc --> something you know very well), then THAT's when the real problems start, as you have no choice but to speak. However my avoidance mechanism in this case is to give very short statements and redirect attention away from me, which if course, does not help me much either.


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

But I've found even when I'm not in a meeting, say in my room, and I try to 'test' if I can be coherent on the spot, I will fail. When my brain knows it had to perform, it gets hijacked and my mind goes blank. However when I'm comfortable with friends, I can converse freely and have no issues. Do I have something besides SA? Autism maybe?


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

jamie1029 said:


> In the meetings? No. But anyone can feel they are underperforming if they are unable to listen and communicate effectively in them. What's the point of working extremely hard, knowing everything, but have nobody recognise or know what you know due to anxiety?


Can't they tell if someone is underperforming by their work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiffiduliu (Jul 7, 2014)

If you really are unhappy at your job then find a new one. Complaining gets you no where in life.

Do something about it.


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## jamie1029 (Mar 1, 2014)

Agreed, but was just hoping for techniques and stuff in meetings..


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Join a group where you can practice speaking up about your ideas. ??? Exposure treatment.

Congratulations on getting a job in your field. Best of luck to you.


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