# I'll never get asked out due to my gender.



## Allegory (Jan 8, 2011)

I'm a guy. Guys don't get asked out. It's just a fact of life. :blank

I'll never know what its like to have someone actually make the decision to ask me out, the piece of mind knowing that someone gives a **** enough about you to actually want to initiate something with you.


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## Meta14 (Jan 22, 2012)

Yeah, kind of sucks. SA is easier on girls, since they don't have to initiate as often, and it could seem like they're playing hard to get.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Yes they do.


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

Tell me about it. I go for long walks every weekend hoping that some girl will talk to me, but it never happens. I did get asked directions by two hot chicks one time, but they left before I could ask them to marry me. :|


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## gizmogt83 (Mar 15, 2012)

Hey it's not so easy on us either. The few times that my friends have made me go out with them, a couple guys have talked to me and then call me a stuck up ***** when I'm too nervous to say anything back


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## gizmogt83 (Mar 15, 2012)

I'm a chick by the way


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

Ape in space said:


> I did get asked directions by two hot chicks one time, but they left before I could ask them to marry me. :|


See what happens when you forget to bring your chloroform soaked rag with you on your walks? Missed opportunities...


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

gizmogt83 said:


> Hey it's not so easy on us either. The few times that my friends have made me go out with them, a couple guys have talked to me and then call me a stuck up ***** when I'm too nervous to say anything back


But at least guys approach you.

That is the key difference here. Women are the approached, guys are the approachers. This is bad for guys who are shy, or awkward, because they can't step into those shoes.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Once a woman asked me to buy her a drink. She left right afterward.


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## Tristeza (Aug 22, 2010)

I was asked out by my girlfriend, so I guess it's not impossible...


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

VanDamMan said:


> Once a woman asked me to buy her a drink. She left right afterward.


LOL


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Tristeza said:


> I was asked out by my girlfriend, so I guess it's not impossible...


You're from Brazil, though.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

I was asked out before, gender is a nonfactor.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Except that it's 2012 and women DO ask men out, so....


The thing is, people don't typically just randomly walk up to strangers and ask them out. That usually only happens at bars and it's b/c the person wants to get laid, not have a lasting relationship. If you want to get asked out, you have to put yourself out there. Talk to women. They won't ask you out if they don't know you in some way.


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## RiversEdge (Aug 21, 2011)

BobtheSaint said:


> I was asked out before, gender is a nonfactor.


this.

I'm a woman, I know these things. :um


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

If girls never ask out a guy, how do lesbians ask each other out....the mysteries of the world.

As to the main topic, I've seen seen a girl ask out a guy before.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Just don't expect anything to happen, then you won't have to worry about not being asked out. Just go about your life doing whatever you can to be happy.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I guess us guys need to approach more women. That's the answer.


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## shyguyy (Mar 1, 2012)

Wanna go out sometime, OP?


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## Pandemic (Jan 6, 2012)

> Yeah, kind of sucks. SA is easier on girls, since they don't have to initiate as often, and it could seem like they're playing hard to get.


=/ No.


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## missalyssa (Jun 18, 2011)

Idk in my past relationships its probably about 50/50 in me vs the dude in who approaches who.

U just gotta go for what u want sometimes. Often I would only get approached by guys I wasn't attracted to... Then I realized its up to me to talk to guys too , if I want to get what I want lol. 

My current bf I asked to dance at the bar.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

when i was abusing oxycodone i had the courage to ask out every pretty little thang in Texas, got rejected quite a few times but you got to play the percentages man. Rejection is gonna happen eventually someone's gonna say yes and all those no's were totally worth it


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

It's interesting how some like to pretend that gender makes no difference at all. Differences between genders exist. There is likely a good biological/evolutionary reason why men are much more likely to initiate than women. It sucks, but that's just the way it happens to work in most cases. No point dwelling too much on things you'll never be able to change though.


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## liktheangel (Oct 23, 2010)

I'm a female and I asked a guy out once. Something that I was pushed into doing but I did it and I got rejected. I'm glad I got rejected though. I'll never do anything like that again. Guys usually never ask me out. I'm not sad about it either though.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

"I'll never get asked out due to my gender." --- This is a cop out.

The problem is your SA, your attitude, and the negative image you are projecting onto other people. Your gender should be the least of your concerns.


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## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

huh said:


> It's interesting how some like to pretend that gender makes no difference at all. Differences between genders exist. There is likely a good biological/evolutionary reason why men are much more likely to initiate than women. It sucks, but that's just the way it happens to work in most cases. No point dwelling too much on things you'll never be able to change though.


It makes a difference... To a limited extent. Does it mean nothing to you that girls on here, with social anxiety nonetheless, have asked men out? I myself have asked guys out. It does happen. Like others have said, people generally don't just ask each other out randomly, or when they hardly know each other (unless they're at a bar or club trying to hook up). Therefore, if you want to get asked out, you need to start getting to know some ladies better --- then they have the chance to start liking you. I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but it comes across as kind of offensive to assume girls are incapable of asking men out. Makes us sound rather weak. :/


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

This guy I was talking to and kind of getting to know in highschool asked for my number before break, I called him pretty soon after that, and he asked me out then because calling that soon just to chat made it kind of obvious that I was into him. I guess him actually asking was sort of initiating, though I was giving pretty strong signals, and that could be considered initiating as well. 

also, a female relative of mine was the one to ask her now husband out.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

The only thing to do for guys is to do the approaching.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

millenniumman75 said:


> The only thing to do for guys is to do the approaching.


That's super tough when SA gets in the way.


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## Taylorshane (Mar 9, 2012)

BobtheSaint said:


> That's super tough when SA gets in the way.


^ this


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## Sanctus (Dec 10, 2010)

I have asked out girls before and the first time is hard , but after that it feels normal like going out with a friend, do not overthink it you will end up giving up just go for it , you have nothing to lose and even if u get rejected you gain experience


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

BobtheSaint said:


> That's super tough when SA gets in the way.


Asking out a girl seems like a mountainous task to someone with SA, but it's more like a large speed bump. If you go too fast you might hurt yourself, too slow and you won't get over it. But if you do it right you look back and it was never as bad as it seemed.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Yes, you will probably rarely if ever get asked out as a guy. That's just reality, unfortunately. But Rymo has wise words.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

rymo said:


> Asking out a girl seems like a mountainous task to someone with SA, but it's more like a large speed bump. If you go too fast you might hurt yourself, too slow and you won't get over it. But if you do it right you look back and it was never as bad as it seemed.


I know, it's fine. I don't mind doing the approaching myself, since I don't think badly about rejection anymore. In my opinion, I'd say approaching somebody is a lot better than sitting on your hands having to take what comes to you, because you're the one who's controlling the attention from who you want. Being approached is nice and flattering but that's involuntary attention, you can end up attracting a lot of attention that you don't want, and there isn't a thing you can do about it because you can't control it.

SA can stop a guy from approaching, but SA can cause a woman to be uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and sometimes unresponsive from getting approached so much. That's my take on the issue, SA sucks and can be nerve-racking on anyone...


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## Sadr00008 (Mar 9, 2012)

Of course its for guys job to do the initiation. That's how it should be.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I've been asked out, and I'm a guy. I am a handsome boy model though.


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## Blawnka (Dec 12, 2011)

Can't really say girls actually ask guys out, maybe 1 out of every 2000 girls will ask a guy out, otherwise guys are expected to make all of the moves. It's just a fact, and it does suck.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Ape in space said:


> Tell me about it. I go for long walks every weekend hoping that some girl will talk to me, but it never happens. I did get asked directions by two hot chicks one time, but they left before I could ask them to marry me. :|


Ah I relate. I often go for walks.

It sucks seeing loads of couples walking past with their kids or their dog, being reminded of how much being lonely and single stings and thinking 'I'll never have that' too.

Even going into blockbuster video and seeing a group of friends laughing, choosing a film and snacks. Oh that must be nice.

Anyway it's true, women rarely approach or initiate and are favourably bias towards extraverts. It's not a strict rule but virtually all of the time. There's little reasonable arguement against this.


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## Gryffindor85 (Nov 7, 2011)

Sometimes I wish I was a girl so I would get approached instead of being the one that is expected to do the approaching. I hate how even though this is 2012, people still believe in traditional gender roles.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I've been asked out 3 times out of 4,and I'm not overly attractive. So girls do take the initiative if they like what they see I suppose, maybe because they were frustrated that I wasn't being forthcoming xD.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

kreeper said:


> It makes a difference... To a limited extent. Does it mean nothing to you that girls on here, with social anxiety nonetheless, have asked men out? I myself have asked guys out. It does happen. Like others have said, people generally don't just ask each other out randomly, or when they hardly know each other (unless they're at a bar or club trying to hook up). Therefore, if you want to get asked out, you need to start getting to know some ladies better --- then they have the chance to start liking you. I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but it comes across as kind of offensive to assume girls are incapable of asking men out. Makes us sound rather weak. :/


I'm not assuming that girls are incapable of asking guys out or trying to make them appear weak. I'm only saying that guys are more likely the ones to initiate and this probably has biological/evolutionary roots. However, human nature and biology in general is full of exceptions to the rule, and some women do ask guys out. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but that it's probably statistically less likely.

My intent isn't to offend anyone here or argue the whole "guys have it harder" line that some seem to try to mention whenever they get the chance. I just want to point out that gender differences do exist, even though it seems to be more politically correct to act as if they don't.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Somehow, I wouldn't completely feel right if she did the asking.
At this point, the only thing I would ask is that the signs would be a bit more obvious that she liked me so I would ask her out. That'll probably improve though.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

I think some women will ask guys out. You just have to put yourself in situations where they're around and feel comfortable to do so. Like a common activity. I think a lot guys will also not directly approach women and would prefer to wait for the right place and time. And they're some that just expect everyone else to make all the effort.


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## squidd (Feb 10, 2012)

I've been asked out before, I'm so clueless I asked her what she ment. Ended up being the longest relationship I've ever been in and we're still friends. 
Kind of wish it would happen more often though


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> You're from Brazil, though.


What's that supposed to mean exactly?

Anyways..
I'm sure that men tend to ask women out more often than the other way around, but I'm also sure a woman would initiate if there was someone she was interested in rather than just stand idly by.

I've asked out surprisingly many (considering how impossible it has seemed when I realised I liked them), but never been asked out myself..
But it probably has more to do with general undesirability than with gender :um
..which I guess would also explain why they have said no when I've asked.. Oh god..! :fall


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It's nice when someone shows interest in you, but a lot of feeling comfortable with the dating process is trial and error and experience. I think for those of us who are forced to approach, I think it gives us a chance to develop certain aspects of ourselves unlike those who do not have to approach and experience the effects. It's funny how somethings seem really difficult until you find that right attitude and mentality to deal with it in a healthy manner.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

millenniumman75 said:


> Somehow, I wouldn't completely feel right if she did the asking.
> At this point, the only thing I would ask is that the signs would be a bit more obvious that she liked me so I would ask her out. That'll probably improve though.


I'm feel the same now. I'd rather approach anymore. It wouldn't feel right, and it's never worked out to be passive in my position before.


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

once you can beat your sa, you'll find that its actually better to be the asker! yes, better!
I remember a few girls that i went out with that I didnt want to see again. so how did I get rid of them? easy! just sit back, relax and do nothing and bam, its dead. No rejection necessary! haha!

It would suck to have to constantly have to reject people your not attracted to! and imagine how it is for girl having to reject all these people who are twice their size and statistically more likely to be stalkers, rapists and killers!

and yes, we dont get to enjoy as much attention as girls, but we dont have to deal with periods, makeup, body shaving, catty politics, discrimination, rapists, sexual harrassment, playas, pms, and abuse.
and how bout when girl get older! pros and cons, people.

and hey, if ya just wanna feel what its like to get asked out, theres always gay bars! 


but yeah, the more you can get over sa, the better things get! instead of having to sit around waiting for people to hit on you, you can go out and hit on anyone you see and as many people as you want! so get some therapy, medication, exposure..gogogo


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## Mind in Flight (Feb 24, 2012)

VanDamMan said:


> Once a woman asked me to buy her a drink. She left right afterward.


That happened to my friend once. For that reason, I never buy drinks for anyone who asks. I've also had a bartender ask me to buy them a shot. I had to wait 10 minutes before she served me after I said no :b



WintersTale said:


> But at least guys approach you.
> 
> That is the key difference here. Women are the approached, guys are the approachers. This is bad for guys who are shy, or *awkward*, because they can't step into those shoes.


Girls sometimes approach guys. But it doesn't really help really awkward people. I rarely approach anyone and, on the off chance I get approached, I usually make things really awkward then the girl will just walk away. Lol :doh


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

The closest thing a girl will do to asking out a guy is send out strong signals that she is interested. 

Being a women is a lot easier when it comes to romance.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Findedeux said:


> The closest thing a girl will do to asking out a guy is send out strong signals that she is interested.
> 
> Being a women is a lot easier when it comes to romance.


Perhaps when it comes to getting the ball rolling yes but once it is it is just as difficult for both parties.


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## Onomatopoeia (May 27, 2011)

I was asked out last week. It's rare, but you never know! It could happen unexpectedly!


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Sphere said:


> Of course women ask guys out too or they would have to just sit and wait for the right guy to ask them out which could take bloody ages.
> 
> The problem is, a large majority of girls have no attraction for quiet/shy/introverted men and the girls that do are generally the type of girls that won't approach so it's just a case of making yourself more desirable to the other girls that will approach and ask you out.


It's not necessarily that women don't like shy/introverted men. It's more that if you don't talk no one can tell what sort of person you are. If someone talks a lot you can tell much more quickly if you like their personality or not.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

komorikun said:


> It's not necessarily that women don't like shy/introverted men. It's more that if you don't talk no one can tell what sort of person you are. If someone talks a lot you can tell much more quickly if you like their personality or not.


I agree to a point. Yes, shyness inhibits someone to get to know someone else at a certain rate or level, but shyness is also an indicator of something "off" because obviously there is something the person is uncomfortable about. In general, people want to be carefree and less bogged down with negative emotions, etc., but of course women like shy guys and guys like shy women too. Now that I'm increasingly moving away from shyness in general, I am more focused on girls who are on my wavelength. So a shy person would probably appreciate another shy person more than an outgoing person would a shy person.

In the end, there are enough girls for guys and vise versa no matter what position you find yourself in mentally. There may be more problems if your not mentally or spiritually prepared, but there still is an excess of people you can meet of whom will be a great match, so no worries. Shyness is a great inhibitor for men and women because they typically do not put forth the kind of effort it takes (i.e. risking rejection) to meet people, or they are caught up in mental barriers or excuses, which is very hard to break (I know). The greatest way to overcome shyness is to take action and gather experiences which will in turn change into confidence. The more you risk the more reward both manifested physically as well as mentally/spiritually. So when a shy person restricts him/herself from taking action they are not learning from experiences that will help change their mind state. It is extremely important to challenge your comfort levels and allow yourself to learn and grow. And sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it or eliminate realistic realities just to feel more confident and then learn and grow from there.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

I don't know if I'd want to get asked out. Asking someone else out dictates that you only find girls that you are actually attracted to.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

Sphere said:


> The problem is, a large majority of girls have no attraction for quiet/shy/introverted men and the girls that do are generally the type of girls that won't approach so it's just a case of making yourself more desirable to the other girls that will approach and ask you out I don't consider attractive enough to be worth dating.


Fixed.


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## luceo (Jan 29, 2011)

Mind in Flight said:


> Girls sometimes approach guys. But it doesn't really help really awkward people. I rarely approach anyone and, on the off chance I get approached, I usually make things really awkward then the girl will just walk away. Lol :doh


Haha glad I'm not the only one. I've been approached by girls quite a few times, but I've managed to mess up almost every single one of them.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

komorikun said:


> I almost never get asked out and when it does happen (maybe once per year) 90% of the time there is zero attraction. It has been like this my whole life. Only when I went abroad was it a little better. Bars and the internet have been my salvation.


I know how you feel, I have gone to bars and guys have asked me to dance and I say no because I'm to shy to be able to talk to them. I know they were probably thinking that I was stuck up. You're right the internet does make conversing easier.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

If it's something that you want bad enough, then you will overcome what is holding you back. If you keep telling yourself that it's too difficult, then you don't want it bad enough.


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## flowingwater (Mar 17, 2012)

Women have it a ZILLION times easier than men in the dating game. That's a FACT.
All girls have to do is show up and smile, and they'll have 20 willing guys lined up right then and there. It doesn't even matter what they say. 

You have no idea how desperate guys are. I particularly saw that when I was "dating"(FB) a reallly hot girl in highschool. She'd get hit on ALL the time in the most cheesy ways, whether it be on facebook, clubs, cinema..whatever.
It's this sort of desperate behaviour among men that's one of the reasons why women tend to only spread their legs for deadbeat jocks who don't give them any attention.

That was a bit of a side-step, but I think guys with SA have it worse than women with it. Even the ugliest of women get hit on once in a while. Just doesn't happen to your plain dude. He actually has to invest money and time into getting laid, and even THEN it's a number's game.

I credit myself having gotten laid to the fact that I'm probably above average in the looks department, coupled with the fact that I discarded all the 'disney' nonsense on how to attract women, and instead opted for what really appeals to them (atleast chicks in my agegroup) AKA acting disinterested and douchy. Works every time, 50% of the time..


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## randomprecision (Aug 19, 2011)

Careful what you wish for. I had a coworker that suddenly out of the blue wanted to set me up on a date with someone she knew. She was practically begging and explaining that this person was very much alone and in need. I ended up having a panic attack and all i could manage was shaking my head and saying no. 
That was years ago but I don't wish for anything anymore.


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

Macimate said:


> You have no idea how desperate guys are. I particularly saw that when I was "dating"(FB) a reallly hot girl in highschool. She'd get hit on ALL the time in the most cheesy ways, whether it be on facebook, clubs, cinema..whatever.
> It's this sort of desperate behaviour among men that's one of the reasons why women tend to only spread their legs for deadbeat jocks who don't give them any attention.
> 
> That was a bit of a side-step, but I think guys with SA have it worse than women with it. Even the ugliest of women get hit on once in a while. Just doesn't happen to your plain dude. He actually has to invest money and time into getting laid, and even THEN it's a number's game.
> ...


You might be onto something...Desperation is really offputting and disinterested dudes seem more attractive, you always end up wanting what you can't have :blank It's sad that you have to be an @hole in the process though.

lol @ disney nonsense. So no handholding and cheesy terms of endearment.

Fking mind games.


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## flowingwater (Mar 17, 2012)

Wacky Wednesdays said:


> You might be onto something...Desperation is really offputting and disinterested dudes seem more attractive, you always end up wanting what you can't have :blank It's sad that you have to be an @hole in the process though.
> 
> lol @ disney nonsense. So no handholding and cheesy terms of endearment.
> 
> Fking mind games.


 I think women have a thing for sarcastic dudes who don't put them on a pedestal or take them too seriously. It messes with their inflated self-image (from having guys hit on them all the time) and they want to prove that they're good enough. I guess it's basic psychology


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

Macimate said:


> I think women have a thing for sarcastic dudes who don't put them on a pedestal or take them too seriously. *It messes with their inflated self-image (from having guys hit on them all the time) and they want to prove that they're good enough.* I guess it's basic psychology


Agreed. But it's nice to see differences across societies. Try doing that in India and you'll be stuck in a rut. Not to be judgmental but traditionally, Indian men have always been OTT with romance but Indian women love it. They want to be chased and lavished with attention. Italians are also very straightforward and hands on, from experience. They don't beat around the bush, that's for sure. Guess that's the difference between boys and men. Too bad they have a sleazy rep.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

Meta14 said:


> Yeah, kind of sucks. SA is easier on girls, since they don't have to initiate as often, and it could seem like they're playing hard to get.


Just to challenge your assumption, SA can be harder on girls when society places our entire worth on whether we are attractive or not. You don't get asked out when you're not pretty.

I think the appropriate way to view the hardships of SA in relation to gender is that it is different for guys and girls, and shouldn't be arbitrarily assessed as harder for one group or the other. There are unique social pressures and expectations put on both genders and SA effects each one differently.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

****THREAD LOCK WATCH****​
*Please refrain from making comments that attract misogyny and conflict or this thread will be locked. Please see the following forum guideline:*​


> *Who has Social Anxiety*
> 
> This site is not a competition - it's not about whose particular brand of SA is the worse, who suffers more than whom, or who has the right to call their problems Social Anxiety. The belittlement of others' suffering will not be tolerated.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

Macimate said:


> Well no need to be an *******. I think women have a thing for sarcastic dudes who don't put them on a pedestal or take them too seriously. It messes with their inflated self-image (from having guys hit on them all the time) and they want to prove that they're good enough. I guess it's basic psychology


It's really about having some self-respect. The "desperate people" you're referring to must be sacrificing all of their self worth to someone they hardly know. It's not about women having it easier (because they do not), it's just that things have more value when it's earned and not passed out like candy. A person can be confident and have respect for themselves without behaving badly.


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## Meta14 (Jan 22, 2012)

mcmuffinme said:


> Just to challenge your assumption, SA can be harder on girls when society places our entire worth on whether we are attractive or not. You don't get asked out when you're not pretty.


I really don't want this to get locked, but I want to point out that a SA guy's inability to be socially active directly affects his ability to ask women out, whereas being SA won't generally affect a girl's attractiveness.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Meta14 said:


> I really don't want this to get locked, but I want to point out that a SA guy's inability to be socially active directly affects his ability to ask women out, whereas being SA won't generally affect a girl's attractiveness.


You don't get asked out much if you don't talk. Usually guys will ask out women that they have had conversations with in the past. Maybe if you are very good looking you will still get asked out even if you never say anything. I don't know why but when men imagine themselves as a woman they always think they would be a beautiful woman.


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## Shygirl427 (May 25, 2008)

Not comparing in anyway. Just venting...don't want this thread to get locked 
But...you guys make it sound so easy for a girl to get asked out. I have NEVER been asked out IRL. But online i get messages everyday from guys saying how attractive I am. Now I know to some degree their just saying what I want to hear but I look exactly the same in person and nothing happens. I don't think I've ever got hit on in my life. I'm not really sold on the idea of online dating but yet I do it because I feel like it's the only way for me to date. I much rather for it to occur organically but I dont Think it's possibly for it to happen that way :/


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## Brad (Dec 27, 2011)

You think you have it bad, its even worse for gay/bi guys like me. What are the chances of getting asked out by a guy when you yourself are assumed to be straight, and so are most other guys


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## shyguyy (Mar 1, 2012)

Brad5 said:


> You think you have it bad, its even worse for gay/bi guys like me. What are the chances of getting asked out by a guy when you yourself are assumed to be straight, and so are most other guys


Lipstick


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## MaskOfSanity (Feb 16, 2012)

I used to always feel like the OP. I still do sometimes. A person with SA can sit back and see how men compete for a pretty girl. It crushes a guy's ego to lose that competition, but to not even be in the competition? Sure it hurts, but what about the girl? What usually happens? She picks the best looking alpha male of the bunch, only selecting from the choices dropped in her lap.

What if she wants someone more polite, intellectual, or quiet? We'd hope so, right? That's the fantasy. But what if she really does want that? What if she has SA? Sure it may be easier for her to get a date, but if society tells her she can't be the "initiator", she has SA, and she is _not_ getting attention from the right kind of guy... is it really easier for her?

I understand the frustration... but if you think it's easier to be a girl with SA, it's probably random sex that you're jealous of, not of a relationship.

That being said, 3 of my 5 (ever) girlfriends initiated. But ya know, you have to at least put yourself on their radar. Bitterness and hopelessly stubborn fantasies are bad for people with SA. It will cause you much pain.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

That probably won't happen, true. You can thank society for dictating what men and women should and shouldn't do. 

Gender norms FTLose(?).


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## Blawnka (Dec 12, 2011)

I can really only see it happening if the guy is attractive, or quite out going.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

Macimate said:


> Women have it a ZILLION times easier than men in the dating game. That's a FACT.
> All girls have to do is show up and smile, and they'll have 20 willing guys lined up right then and there. It doesn't even matter what they say.
> 
> You have no idea how desperate guys are. I particularly saw that when I was "dating"(FB) a reallly hot girl in highschool. She'd get hit on ALL the time in the most cheesy ways, whether it be on facebook, clubs, cinema..whatever.
> ...


Sure it's easier to find dates/someone to have sex with more than finding a meaningful relationship. I've had countless dates/ short term relationships and it was very difficult for me to find a long term relationship.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

What's off putting though is that when guys prefer women to ask them out/initiate first and the women (like me) actually initiates or asks a man out, they reject because they feel uncomfortable that a woman asked them out. Such bull****! That makes me angry.


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

I don't get asked out, either. I've always been the one to do the asking. And then I get ignored for being weird. Apparently it's still weird for some guys to be asked out by women.

It's a human problem, not a boy problem.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

squidlette said:


> I don't get asked out, either. I've always been the one to do the asking. And then I get ignored for being weird. Apparently it's still weird for some guys to be asked out by women.
> 
> It's a human problem, not a boy problem.


It pisses me off because that was the only way I was to ever get a guy and most guys reject me because they think it's weird that a woman asked them out.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

MidnightBlu said:


> What's off putting though is that when guys prefer women to ask them out/initiate first and the women (like me) actually initiates or asks a man out, they reject because they feel uncomfortable that a woman asked them out. Such bull****! That makes me angry.


Jeez. You're not the first girl to complain about this, and I'm genuinely curious as to how often it happens in real life. If you don't mind, could you describe exactly what you experienced when you tried it and the circumstances surrounding it?

It just strikes me as odd that any guy would reject a girl solely because she approached him first. I mean, if he isn't attracted to her in the first place and never would've thought of asking her out himself, of course he may reject. But for him to go through the following thought process: "damn, she's cute... oh god, she's approaching me first, f**k that" sounds borderline-insane. I certainly wouldn't do it, nor do I know any guys who I suspect would, but maybe I underestimate how much they value tradition and their faux-pride.


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

MidnightBlu said:


> It pisses me off because that was the only way I was to ever get a guy and most guys reject me because they think it's weird that a woman asked them out.


I'm a bit fed up with this whole, "Oh, just stand in the corner with your boobs and your butt and your double X chromosomes, and SOMEBODY will hit on you" crap, aren't you?

I'm mildly attractive. I'm relatively in shape, I'm smart, and I have a crazy broad variety of interests to talk about. But people don't approach me just because I'm female. If you put off awkward vibes, most people won't bother. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. If you're socially retarded, you have to work for it. Period.

And heck, even if I DO the asking, and somebody says yes, I still don't put off the right vibes for people. Why? Because social anxiety makes me brick up and I get told that I seem cold or distant. I guess I work backwards. I put off crazy vibes FIRST, then the robot vibes. I wish I could get a personality transplant.


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

anomalous said:


> It just strikes me as odd that any guy would reject a girl solely because she approached him first.


I was just about to say that. Rejection is just a part of the game when you do the approaching, no matter which gender it is. Whoever it is who does the asking, if the person isn't interested, they will say no, and if they are interested, they will accept. I also find it odd that any guy would refuse purely because the girl is asking. These guys are either just using that as an excuse to say no, or they have other options and like to be judgemental. But that is true of both genders. If you asked a large sample of guys, I'm sure most would look favourably on women approaching them, even if they weren't interested.


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

Ape, when I've encountered that attitude, it seems so ancient an idea that I'm flabbergasted by it. But yeah, there are plenty of men out there who still buy into the idea that being pursued by a woman makes them less of a man. Just like there are women (and men) out there who still believe that a man should pay for everything on a date.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

When I was in middle school some random girl approached me and asked me to go to some dance with her. I was so surprised that I just stammered 'no' and she left disgusted. Never happened after that.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

squidlette said:


> I'm a bit fed up with this whole, "Oh, just stand in the corner with your boobs and your butt and your double X chromosomes, and SOMEBODY will hit on you" crap, aren't you?
> 
> I'm mildly attractive. I'm relatively in shape, I'm smart, and I have a crazy broad variety of interests to talk about. But people don't approach me just because I'm female. If you put off awkward vibes, most people won't bother. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. If you're socially retarded, you have to work for it. Period.
> 
> And heck, even if I DO the asking, and somebody says yes, I still don't put off the right vibes for people. Why? Because social anxiety makes me brick up and I get told that I seem cold or distant. I guess I work backwards. I put off crazy vibes FIRST, then the robot vibes. I wish I could get a personality transplant.


You have a very good point. I've just been told by people that the reason guys probably reject me because they don't like to be asked out by women. I guess the people telling me that could be wrong. I've been told I'm very good looking by guys according to my pictures and in person, that I am great and fun to talk to with a great personality, but when I message guys on dating sites, I get rejected more than being interested back. I think it's my profile and some pictures (I don't smile a lot, I don't like my smile it makes my face look huge and mouth too wide). I guess my social awkwardness shows on my profile as well. It sucks, I don't intend it to be that way. Or maybe the guys don't like Asian girls. I'm really bad at socializing and getting relationships and guys. I worked VERY HARD to get my past dates and relationships and right now I have a lovely boyfriend who I am going to be married someday. It's not always like 1-2-3 easy.

I don't like that crap either like you stated. I almost never get hit on by guys in person even the not as attractive looking guys hit on me. It's not true that just because you're a female you're going to get hit on by guys 24/7.


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

Well I dont think people in general get asked out much. Most relationships happen through dating sites or friends of friends, or work. You usually have to have connections. But even in the less popular way of finding a date, guys usually are the ones to randomly approach girls. Like in bars. But even then you need to have friends with you and stuff. Meh idk. Thats just my opinion.


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## Resonance (Feb 11, 2010)

This again.

If you hate being a man so much, get a sex change.


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## Skttrbrain (Jun 17, 2011)

Macimate said:


> Women have it a ZILLION times easier than men in the dating game. That's a FACT.
> All girls have to do is show up and smile, and they'll have 20 willing guys lined up right then and there. It doesn't even matter what they say.
> 
> You have no idea how desperate guys are. I particularly saw that when I was "dating"(FB) a reallly hot girl in highschool. She'd get hit on ALL the time in the most cheesy ways, whether it be on facebook, clubs, cinema..whatever.
> ...


Hmmm, I have to disagree with you. In my experience, guys enjoy fun, easy-going girls (which a lot of us sa girls are not). Sometimes a guy will smile and talk to me, but then they realize how awkward or insecure I am. I have a hard time carrying a conversation without blushing, avoiding eye contact, sweating, sometimes even stuttering ick. I dunno, I've never found dating to be easy.. I've been on two blind dates and I pretty much had a full-blown panic attack before and during them. Oh, and I'm 25 and have never had a boyfriend so I'm not making this shiz up. And I do want a boyfriend .. I think my eyes well up everytime I see a happy couple. Ugh, long rant.. sorry.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I've been approached, but in a passive way. The girl always expects me to ask _her_ out, or to make the first move.

And I just can't. It's impossible for me. I shrink away, and get shy or have a panic attack. With the exception of some female friends, none of who I fancy, I generally have a hard time talking to girls (at least attractive ones!)


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nobody has asked me out ever
brb crying a river.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

NatureFellow said:


> nobody has asked me out ever
> brb crying a river.


Don't worry, you're still young.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Meta14 said:


> Yeah, kind of sucks. *SA is easier on girls*


Well we can tell where this thread is headed....opcorn


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## MrGilligan (Apr 29, 2012)

Girls ask people out sometimes... It just depends on who you meet.

How do you think lesbians start dating? Someone's got to ask...


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

Witan said:


> Well we can tell where this thread is headed....opcorn


Uh oh. :um


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

MidnightBlu said:


> What's off putting though is that when guys prefer women to ask them out/initiate first and the women (like me) actually initiates or asks a man out, they reject because they feel uncomfortable that a woman asked them out. Such bull****! That makes me angry.





MidnightBlu said:


> It pisses me off because that was the only way I was to ever get a guy and most guys reject me because they think it's weird that a woman asked them out.


Only in the sense that guys will still feel like they need to make the first move. If you do the asking, they likely would consider it too forward and that you would be driving things.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Witan said:


> Well we can tell where this thread is headed....opcorn





BobtheSaint said:


> Uh oh. :um


The post in question was made BEFORE a Lock Watch was posted. Nothing like that has been posted since, therefore DO NOT dig it up and quote on it - it will only fuel things and lead to a lock warning.

This thread is already on thin ice, don't fall through it.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

MidnightBlu said:


> What's off putting though is that when guys prefer women to ask them out/initiate first and the women (like me) actually initiates or asks a man out, they reject because they feel uncomfortable that a woman asked them out. Such bull****! That makes me angry.


 Were these guys extroverts? I think many shy guys would be thrilled if a girl asked them out. I can only imagine a man having a problem with it if he doesn't have any trouble being the initiator himself. MANY shy guys simply can't do it so they'll sit around half their lives wishing some girl would ask them.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

PickleNose said:


> Were these guys extroverts? I think many shy guys would be thrilled if a girl asked them out. I can only imagine a man having a problem with it if he doesn't have any trouble being the initiator himself. MANY shy guys simply can't do it so they'll sit around half their lives wishing some girl would ask them.


I think most of them were. I messaged guys who seem interesting to me regardless if they sound extroverted or introverted. I noticed more extroverted guys aren't as into me than introverted guys. In person, not very many extroverted guys go after me either. Usually most extroverted guys just want extroverted women, at least in my case. I don't know how other shy people or SASers get extroverted partners. It always bothered me how certain guys don't want to get to know me just because I'm socially inept or shy. Well, no need to worry about that anymore. I got a great boyfriend.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

MidnightBlu said:


> I don't know how other shy people or SASers get extroverted partners.


 Well, you have to realize there are different types and levels of shyness/introversion. For example, I'm almost a complete recluse these days. But if/when I do get out and about, I can pretty much interact with people relatively well. Though I seriously doubt I could actually make myself ask someone out.

But the point is there are people who have it worse than me and people who are much more outgoing than me. I'd say there are quite a few people here who actually have jobs and a few acquaintances (even if they don't exactly qualify as friends).

But frankly, I wouldn't _want _an extroverted partner. Maybe that's part of the problem? Incompatibility is a major issue. I always wanted a shy GF. The shy girls always seem to want the outgoing guys.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

I've asked out quite a few, but never been asked out by others.. I suppose that's just because I'm very unattractive though -.-
I wouldn't mind if a girl asked me out though. I don't see why that should make me feel uncomfortable at all. Well.. it'll obviously make me nervous, but not uncomfortable in the sense of being emasculated.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

Maybe girls don't ask out certain guys because they aren't attracted to them? Or maybe it's because the guy has done absolutely nothing to make himself interesting enough to be asked out. Forget you had social anxiety for a moment and pretend you see a strange girl just walking down the street. Would you ask her out? Of course not because you don't know her at all. You don't even know if she is your type. All you might know is that she's hot, and that's not always enough to date someone.

No offense guys, but suck it up and just do it already. Just because you have social anxiety does _not_ mean you are incapable of asking a girl out. You simply choose not to due to fear, and fear is almost always only in your head.


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## Garretoo (Jan 19, 2011)

I had a conversation with my friend recently, and he was saying in other countries besides the US women will actually approach guys more and its not such a formality like it is here for the man to initiate things. Don't know how much truth there is to that, but it wouldn't surprise me.


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## gomenne (Oct 3, 2009)

I'm a girl and i have never been asked out in my life, is that due to my gender ?


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## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

Yeah, it kinda sucks. but someone has to do it and why not make it the manly man!


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

don't blame looks on gender, I know plenty of guys who get harassed by women. Yes, there are some desperate women out there, I have seen them first hand and it is not a pretty sight when the guy wants nothing to do with them :teeth


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## Invisigirl (Oct 11, 2011)

gomenne said:


> I'm a girl and i have never been asked out in my life, is that due to my gender ?


:ditto

Maybe I'm hallucinating that I'm a woman, when I'm really a man. That'll explain a lot. :afr


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

I hope to meet someone sooner than later.. not offended at women making a first move.. at this point i'm trying to avoid the automatic nervousness I might have had as a kid.. (girls just never approached me back then.. on scattershot occasions, whenever word would get back to me about a girl who 'liked' me, I dismissed it out of hand, figuring it had to be some kind of elaborate prank.)


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## TellMeMore (May 8, 2012)

Legendary said:


> Last time I approached a girl she called the police. The time before that, I approached a girl and said hey(I guess I said it creeply) she didn't reply, she made a face and walked away. I will never do this again.
> 
> I am considering Japanese love dolls but they are to expensive and they don't talk back. I don't want to lust on it, I really want the doll to talk to me and share walks on the beach with.....YEAH, This.


WTF lol thats kinda like extreme. How did you actually approach her man, I ve actually never had that kind of problem. Am not saying girls didn't ignore me, but i ve never had girls view me as a creeper to that extent.

You should watch my strange addiction on TLC they have an episode of a guy who has a japanese doll, he looks to me very highly educated and looks happy to me. Maybe that would help you.


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