# will getting a significant other change us? get rid of SA?



## onlylordknows (Apr 27, 2004)

I think when a guy finds a girlfriend, he finds confidence. His self esteem raises. If I would've had girlfriends in high school and college, I can only assume that my SA would be significantly lower. I wouldn't be so afraid of rejection and criticism or whether people are judging me. If I found a girlfriend in college right now, I would grow as a person in many ways. I think through the physical activities that a guy shares with a girl, he becomes a man. That's what has been lacking in my growth. I've never had a girlfriend and confidence has decreased. I know that I need to work on myself and build a social life with friends before I have a chance with a girl but I think having a significant other will help change us (at least in my case)

or are we doomed forever?


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Well, I personally don't think it would get rid of my SA at all, but it sure would help it. I think it's maybe a bit ignorant to think that having a girlfriend is going to solve all of your anxiety problems, but I know what you're saying.

I think the biggest problem for me is having very low confidence and self esteem. I think it would really help my self esteem a lot to know that a woman actually thought highly enough of me to want to be in a relationship with me. I'm not saying that I need someone else to make me feel happy, and I know that probably sounds corny, but it really sucks to have never had anyone attracted to you. I think it would be a massive self esteem boost, which in turn would help my SA a lot. :stu

Unfortunately, I am far too shy to ever make the first move, which means that I have about a 0% chance of ever being in a relationship. I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic. I can only hope and pray that sometime in my life the stars align and some poor woman finds me attractive enough to ask _me_ out. :lol


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## onlylordknows (Apr 27, 2004)

maybe I need to find a group of friends first.. who can help me and bring me out of my shell. I don't know if that will ever happen :/


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I really doubt it would change much for me. I would likely feel better about myself and be more willing to go places if I had someone to go with me, but I would still be painfully shy and awkward.


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## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

Having a SO never took my anxiety away, nor did it help lessen it. In fact, it can make it worse if they don't understand/accept the fact that you have SA in the first place. But, having someone who's supportive of you can make a difference.



> or are we doomed forever?


Nope. But depending on another person for fulfillment/solving your problems isn't the answer.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I don't feel its healthy to depend on another person for happiness and I don't expect a girlfriend to cure me of anything. I do feel however it would help my self esteem tremendously and make me happier in general. I've never had anyone love me before so I have no idea what it must feel like to be desireable and attractive to another person. That feeling alone would do wonders for me, to know another person actually finds me worthwhile and cares about me. I've never had that before so I can only imagine what it must be like . I've been alone my whole life and I'm not happy this way.
I have low self esteem but I don't _hate_ myself either. Still, I don't feel its right to seek a relationship just to verify myself through another person. I want to love someone as much as they love me, it has to work both ways. I'm just starved for the affection and companionship thats been absent my whole life :sigh.


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## custard25 (Feb 19, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

I think it would help to raise your self esteem, whenever I see a girl staring at me I get all happy and start talking more, but that dosent happen often


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

I find it hard to believe having a significant other will get rid of SA, unless your anxiety revolves entirely around getting girls/guys. Ofcourse it'll help build confidence and self esteem but relying on a having a person for happiness and to cure you isn't very realistic.


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## lubs (Sep 17, 2006)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

It helps, but it's not a solution. Keep in mind having an SO also opens up a whole new can of worms- meeting the parents, friends, etc. You may have that small boost of confidence...but once you meet that hot friend your boyfriend has had a crush on for years...if you're like me, you'll be consumed with insecurity & doubt once again :sigh


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## boxofcheapwine (Apr 3, 2007)

Personally I think having a supportive network of friends that you hang out with on a regular basis does better for one's SA than having a significant other--that is unless your SA mainly revolves around dealing with members of the opposite gender.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid*



lubs said:


> It helps, but it's not a solution. Keep in mind having an SO also opens up a whole new can of worms- meeting the parents, friends, etc. You may have that small boost of confidence...but once you meet that hot friend your boyfriend has had a crush on for years...if you're like me, you'll be consumed with insecurity & doubt once again :sigh


Oh no...my jealousy would probably get the best of me. :hug

Yeah, I can see the ups and downs of having an SO, but I don't think it would get rid of our SA. It may help make one feel better...or not. I wouldn't depend on it.


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## sctork (Oct 23, 2006)

*Re: re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid*



leppardess said:


> Having a SO never took my anxiety away, nor did it help lessen it. In fact, it can make it worse if they don't understand/accept the fact that you have SA in the first place.


that was my experience with my ex. he made my SA 10x worse. he was very manipulative and he played on my fears to get me to stay with him. he knew it, too and he loved that he could control aspects of my life because of my SA. but at the same time he would blame ALL our problems on it and even accuse me of faking to get attention or make things harder on him. in the end, i would have chosen spending the rest of my life alone over spending another day with him.


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## Your Lover Scrub Ducky (Jul 26, 2004)

no...
i dont need to be with someone to manage my sa.

i dont need anyone for anything.


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## Failure (Feb 4, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

No, having a gf/bf will not get rid of SA.


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## Restless Mind (Jul 19, 2006)

It may help, but it will not get "rid" of it.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

I have a gf and i still have SA, so the answer is no.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

There is no cure for SA. But an understanding SO would change my life. I have a strong avoidance of social events because there is never anyone to go with. A lifetime of being the third wheel is really humiliating. In the past I would attempt to go out whenever I was invited, now it's just awkward. Friends, especially when you get to your mid 20's, start really pairing off. Secondly, I have pretty much closed myself off to my family and friends because it pains me to think what others think of me. I am a functioning SA sufferer, I live on my own and work, but a lack of a girl friend over the years is a pretty big clue that something is a little off. Thirdly and most importantly, I think I have a lot to offer someone and vice versa -- to love and be loved, how great would that be.


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

...


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## Jim_eternal (Apr 8, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

A significant other can certainly prove to be beneficial to social anxieties, as long as the are understanding of the condition that you face. I don't think the can prove to be a cure-all (though I once did) but they can help. They can also of course, set you back or make things worth, either intentionally or unintentionally.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

confidence? yes
self esteem? yes
happy? yes
free of SA? no


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

I agree with the others. I have more confidence when I'm with my girlfriend. When I'm away from her, though, I'm the same old shy person.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/goodbye-for-now-t62339.html


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

...


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

I feel it could absolutely benefit me to date a woman. If I could go out with someone and know that they like me and are there because they like me and truly want to be with me, that would make me extremely happy and would go a long way towards boosting my self-confidence.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

I don't think it matters...
I've had girlfriends come and go all my life, and now
I'm engaged to be married.
Hasn't made much of a difference at all.
Then again, my condition could have been worse had I been single.
I wouldn't know.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

*Re: re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid*



Gumaro said:


> confidence? yes
> self esteem? yes
> happy? yes
> free of SA? no


 :agree


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

it doesn't get rid of it...never has for me anyway.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

*Re: re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid*



Woody said:


> I think richie's post is more about depression and loneliness than SA. Having SA can cause a person to be unable to find an SO. Not being able to find an SO can cause a person to become depressed/lonely. I'm not saying that it can't also help with SA, I just don't think it can "get rid of it" (for someone who has suffered from SA since childhood), IMO.


I agree, I only posted that link because it fits the topic so well.

I am under the personal opinion that there is no cure for life long SA, at least for me.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

Sure, being with someone else could never "cure" our social anxiety. For most of us shyness and social awkwardness is a vital part of who we are and has been with us all our lives. And, a few others have mentioned, having a significant other opens up more avenues of anxiety like the pressure to commit when you might not want to ever, meeting your SO's friends and family and being judged and possible anxiety over a physical relationship.

But I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I feel that if I were to date someone (I've never dated anyone) my confidence would certainly be raised. I have a complex where I feel that no one likes me and if I had someone whom I knew liked me that might make me feel a lot better. But of course I could be wrong and maybe I'm just too far down in my hole for anything remedy it.


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## nesteroff (Nov 14, 2003)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

I don't think it cures it, even when you're with an empathetic supportive person. At best, I think a good significant other can help you face the challenges of SA, but I doubt they will be the cure.

You can still find a girlf friend without having friends first. If you meet a girl who also has SA, for instance, chances are she will understand and won't judge you for it.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I perosnally think it would make it worse for me because If i cant even handle stuff on my own how can someone else do it for me. I mean if I do get a SO that would cause me to obsess and cant think of anything else mainly because of no confidence, low self esteem, limerence, etc.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: will getting a significant other change us? get rid of S*

In a word, no. It might help in some ways, but you have to address the deeper issues in order to make real progress.


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## Whiteout (Oct 31, 2005)

no, it won't help. Maybe make you feel a little less alone tho


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

I felt less lonely. I had happier times in that moment when I was with them. But my conversation skills or confidence didn't really go up any, and still had social anxiety.


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