# Misdiagnosed Bipolar



## 4Philip

Hi. I'm Philip. About 3 years ago, I found a way to completely get rid of my social anxiety for periods of one to a few days, which I would call 'the state'. In other words, I would attain this freedom from social anxiety, hold onto it for a day or two, and then lose it, afterwards seeking to find it again. In these 'states', I behaved differently, and for the most part I was completely at a loss for what to do, as the sticks and carrots I normally ran from and chased no longer held any power over me. But I enjoyed socializing, so I did that. 

There are a few directions I can think to take this in. One is to take on the question of how I managed to rid myself of my anxiety, albeit temporarily. Two is to go into more description as to what this state is. And Three is to ignore both of those things and carry on with the story. I'll try to explain the first two things as quickly as I can without missing anything and move so I can move onto the third without too much delay. 

So how did I manage to get rid of my anxiety? It happened quite randomly. I was journaling about an idea I had when the thought of needing to be viewed favorably by others in order for it to work came up, and instead of dismissing the idea altogether, I decided to tackle it. But the thing is, I couldn't make a friend, so there was no way I could become well liked. I started journaling. _Others don't look kindly on people like me, even if I'm caring and intelligent. It's like it not in there nature, its as if people are programmed to read weakness, and they subconsciously give respect to whoever has confidence indiscriminately, and pity the man who lacks it._ I was about to give up, throw in my pen, when..._wait a second, what if I acted confident. If I acted confidently, even if I made a mistake, people would subconsciously respond with respect, and that respect would reinforce my confidence. Holy ****. Holy mother ****ing ****! That's it._ It was as if suddenly the puzzle was solved and I called this girl to try it out, I acted confidently, and it worked. From that moment, I was a different person, no anxiety, no vanity, no neurosis to speak of, it was euphoric, until I stopped believing and it all faded in a veil of haze three days later. 

So now, to continue with the story. I decided to try to find it again and it took me about a week, but I finally landed upon the right insight, something along the lines of _if I just be myself, then even if I mess up and people judge me, I'll feel good_. It was, at that time, still fresh in my mind how good it felt to socialize and be myself, but looking at that line now, it doesn't spark anything. Anyhow, I was fine while I was in the state, but in between, I was desperately doing whatever I could to find it, and sometimes that was simply acting in embarrassing ways to show myself it didn't matter. I ended up just draining myself whenever I did those things, which just frustrated me because I had no embarrassment in the state, even if I got rejected or did or said something stupid and I just wanted to be there. 

Now, let me tell you what brought me to the ER and got me diagnosed as manic. I visited a neighbors house to say hi. I was living with my parents at the time, in high school, and to my parents, aside from when I was a toddler, I had always had tremendous social anxiety and been shy, albeit very talkative when I felt comfortable. Suddenly, I was making house calls and to their friends to top it all off (sadly, I didn't have many friends to go to). They called my psychiatrist and he told them to take me to the emergency room. I went, but completely indignant. I had been riding a wave of the state which had passed, but I didn't know it yet. That's the funny thing about the state, your mind can kind of trick you into thinking its still there when its not and you don't really know until you're in a social environment and suddenly your old friend anxiety waltzes through the door. But boy did I know it as soon as we crossed into the hospital. I started getting really angry while my mind desperately looked for a way to prolong the state. They put me into a room and as my frenzied brain tried to find a way to subvert my anxiety, I was asked to put on a hospital gown. Suddenly, all my emotions were replaced by indignation and I refused. They told me if I didn't they would have to restrain me and I said, without any anger or anxiety, "so be it". It was like a switch had flipped in my mind and without 'the state', I was anxiety free in an environment that should have put me into overload. 

I feel like this is getting long and I don't know if anybody is gonna read it so I'm just gonna summarize. I ended up in that calm but defiant mood for three weeks where they kept me in a psyche ward because, although I was behaving normally, I refused to take their medication. Eventually, the anxiety came back, I caved and started taking it, got out of there, believed I had bipolar for a while, tested it a number of times by, and I would advise nobody to do this themselves, pulling multiple all nighters, taking lots of drugs that should have pushed me over the edge, stopping all medication I had started for bipolar etcetera etcetera, with no results aside from a somewhat buzzed state after the all nighters and what was typical for the drugs. Anyhow, a year later, as I was finishing high school, I had a state inducing epiphany which burned bright, fizzled, and led to some more of the same nature but no mania, which for me put the last nail in that coffin. After explaining everything to both of my parents and my psychiatrist everyone agrees what I was hospitalized for was not mania/bipolar. I managed to get the state a few other times, but for the last few months, despite trying a few times, I've been completely dry.

Anyhow that's my story. Hope it helps anybody going through something similar


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## Starcut83

While bipolar manic episodes do have to potential to basically have no fear, quite literally, I had overcome much of my social anxiety in the midst of no mania. Now after my last episode and finally feeling more like myself, some fear and doubt has come back but not as many as I had prior to the episode. I think it's important to have an awareness of how others may perceive you even if you manage to not care so much or possibly at all about what they _might _be thinking of you.

A big part of this I think is realizing a lot of what we worry others might be judging us for is really just us judging ourselves and projecting it. Think more positively of ourselves and the world around us and it can make us feel like we're living in a different world. 

My mind has adjusted back down to reality from the manic state I was in but lot of the "programming" of self-confidence, self-trust, and self-belief has remained. Not to the levels it was at while manic, but that's a good thing.


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## 4Philip

Starcut83 said:


> A big part of this I think is realizing a lot of what we worry others might be judging us for is really just us judging ourselves and projecting it. Think more positively of ourselves and the world around us and it can make us feel like we're living in a different world.


It's funny, that was actually one of my semi-state inducing epiphanies. I realized that my fear of others' judgement was really just a fear of my own judgement that I framed through others eyes and why should I be so afraid of my own judgement in the first place. It didn't give me the full on state, I think because it wasn't anything actionable, but it did make me lend less weight to my anxiety for about a day or two after realizing it. When you first realized it, what effect, if any, did it have on you?


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## harrison

The first thing I would caution you against is actually wanting to be manic or seeing it as pleasurable. It _can_ be - especially at the very beginning of an episode but it can also be a terrible feeling. What you might do when you're manic can also have serious repercussions. It's not something I would want to try and induce. For me it's something that inevitably happens when I reduce my medication because I can't stand the side-effects.

The second thing I'd caution you against is taking drugs. If you have any predisposition to mental illness I'd be very careful with that.

Also, I can understand you're worrying about what people think of you due to the anxiety - I suffer from that too, but have you given any thought to what people would think of you when you're manic? For people that have done things during mania they regret that's something to consider too.


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## Starcut83

4Philip said:


> It's funny, that was actually one of my semi-state inducing epiphanies. I realized that my fear of others' judgement was really just a fear of my own judgement that I framed through others eyes and why should I be so afraid of my own judgement in the first place. It didn't give me the full on state, I think because it wasn't anything actionable, but it did make me lend less weight to my anxiety for about a day or two after realizing it. When you first realized it, what effect, if any, did it have on you?


I honestly am not sure because I realized it through meditation which naturally decreases self-judgement and that of others as well. I looked back and realized that had been a large part of what was keeping me so self-conscious.

A combination of meditation and exposure therapy are what worked for me the most.


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## 4Philip

harrison said:


> The first thing I would caution you against is actually wanting to be manic or seeing it as pleasurable. It _can_ be - especially at the very beginning of an episode but it can also be a terrible feeling. What you might do when you're manic can also have serious repercussions. It's not something I would want to try and induce. For me it's something that inevitably happens when I reduce my medication because I can't stand the side-effects.
> 
> The second thing I'd caution you against is taking drugs. If you have any predisposition to mental illness I'd be very careful with that.
> 
> Also, I can understand you're worrying about what people think of you due to the anxiety - I suffer from that too, but have you given any thought to what people would think of you when you're manic? For people that have done things during mania they regret that's something to consider too.


I appreciate you trying to help, but please don't insinuate that I have something I just wrote an entire post about not having,
thanks


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## harrison

4Philip said:


> I appreciate you trying to help, but please don't insinuate that I have something I just wrote an entire post about not having,
> thanks


My apologies - I must have misunderstood your post.


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## acstar

Hey there, I hope you're doing alright. It sounds like you had quite the experience on being able to live anxiety-free even if for only a few days. It's true they could definitely misdiagnose easily, after all mental health terms are just labels and there are large spectrums from which they are derived. From this context there's nothing in particular that stands out as "abnormal" other than the sudden realizations but hey anyone can have those. 

From personal experience I can look back and say I had an inflated self esteem and worry free attitude a few months leading up to a manic episode. I didn't know it at the time but my emotions were heightened, i took impulsive decisions. I was also very talkative, so yes mania can be very appealing at first for anxiety, I agree. The funny thing is I was seeing a therapist during this time and she couldn't tell what path I was heading down. The mind is a complicated matter, I think theres just too much we don't understand yet.

I have a question for you, when you say you took a lot of drugs, was that feeling different than the state of mind you experienced before? Also you've talked about feeling good, did either of these instances or somewhere in between leave you feeling depressed at all? just curious


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