# Job causing depression/anxiety, getting worse



## Antigrav01 (Oct 11, 2010)

Soooo...hi. I've been a member for years, but only rarely even signed on and browsed any of the threads. This will be my first post too. Things in the way of depression and general anxiety/stress have been getting worse and worse for me lately, so i've been drawn back to this forum. This time I feel really compelled to post something. This post is long, but I need to get it off my chest for anyone willing to read it all. Clever, humorous Facebook posts can only do so much for venting.

I work as a cashier at a grocery store. I desperately needed a job 3 years ago and it was the only place that would hire me. I felt strong enough to do it, but it certainly wasn't easy in the beginning. In fact, it was quite hard. Riding to work (I didn't have a car at the time) would bring back those horrible memories of my mom driving me to school and id get this dreadful, sinking gut feeling because I hated going to school so much. I started at the worst possible time to start at a busy grocery store for someone with social anxiety; the holidays. AND I was getting like 37-39 hours too. But hey, I survived somehow. Honestly, I do have this job to thank for helping me get better with my social anxiety though. I've come a long way. I'm not _cured_. I don't think ill ever be...but i'm so much better. Most of my co-workers are nice to be around and I consider some of them my friends. We'll goof off or talk about stuff when the store is dead. There would have been NO way I would have lasted 3 years if it weren't for them and my wonderful bosses (except that one *****). I had one boss that seemed to understand what I was going through and kinda pushed me instead of coddling me. Didn't like it at the time, but looking back, it helped. I wish corporate would stop moving managers around because having a good relationship with your boss is so important. Anyway...

My problem with my job isn't related to social anxiety much anymore, but something else. I can't stand it there anymore. I can't take scanning one more ****ing thing or facing one more half-brained ****ing customer anymore. Excuse the language, but my patience for that place is getting close to 0 and I can feel myself losing it. "It" being my sanity. That job is making me more and more depressed and stressed out, its very noticeably physically affecting my quality of life. I can almost kind of feel the anxiety in my muscles and veins. I'm not involuntarily shaking though...yet. Coming home depressed isn't all that unusual, but short fits of rage and what I call mini-panic attacks are starting to happen. For an example, just a few days ago my foot got caught in my clothes hamper lid thing and I flipped out. Threw it across the room yelling at it and hitting whatever was close to me. I haven't cleaned and reorganized my room in over a month (this is unusual for me, I like my room neat) and I find myself not caring about anything or anyone and in a near constant bad mood.

These people...these miserable, self-absorbed, consumer zombied people. If anyone on here has had a retail job they would know _exactly_ what I think about the customers at my store. Everything including all the extremely lame and barely thought out jokes they'd say when they catch you standing at the register doing nothing, all the cold shoulders when they very blatantly ignore your "hello", the screaming banshee kids, the audacity to argue with me over a *****ING COUPON CLEARLY LABELED MUST BUY 2* or the arrogance in thinking that because they are incapable of reading a sign correctly, they should get that item for free, etc. Even the stupid ones who don't understand how to type in their ZIP code or that when my light is off i'm closed. These people are certainly not making my time at that place any easier, to say the least. 
There are some good ones though. They're not all bad. One time one of them even gave me a $50 gift card during Christmas and left before I could say a proper thank you and there is this lovely, nice old deaf couple that come through my line from time to time. I remember one customer making me laugh hard enough that I had tears in my eyes. She probably thought I was high or something since all she was doing was speaking in a horrible, fake accent. I must have been having a really bad day that day, because it really wasn't _that_ funny. ...I don't do drugs by the way.

What is really the main cause of what has been incrementally happening to me though is the actual job itself. Putting it a way to best describe how I feel about it, cashiering for a busy grocery store is nothing more than slaving for slightly above minimum wage by making a computer go beep, over...and over...and over...and over...and over again. To my fellow cashiers: Have you ever said "have a good day" so often that the words start slurring together? Oh its even worse when im put on the express lane. No, it does *not* make the day go faster. I feel completely worthless when i'm at my job. I know i'm intellectually capable of much more and that's what causing all of this. I'm worth more. I'm capable of doing more. It's not like this job is making me believe otherwise, but that's the problem. Its like torture. I'm locked in a cage or a prison, being forced to do some worthless task. I feel like an NPC. There ya go, a perfect comparison to my fellow gamers. I feel like an emotionless NPC that is forced to stand there and be used by people too lazy to scan their own damn groceries. Of course I could be the happy, bubbly cheerful type of cashier, but we all know that's never going to happen. Even on my good days where I actually smile when i'm there I don't do that.

This job is killing me from the inside out. Of course not having had a girlfriend for 6 years and no one showing interest is also a big contributor to my personal problems, BUT that's a topic for another day. I know what I have to do though. I need to get out of there as soon as possible before I end up having a panic attack right there at the register. It's causing me way too much stress and I don't want to go through another episode of clinical depression again. I'm planning on leaving out of state for 7 weeks to take some audio engineering classes in October and my manager said she could put me on student leave for that time, but i'm seriously considering not coming back. I even told her that. If I quit before I leave i'd have to find a job since I don't have enough money to tie me over, but no one would hire me if they knew I would be leaving in October. Obviously id have to tell them because that would make me look terrible. What about sticking it out until October, then find a new job after I get back? It would still be a temporary job. I don't know when ill be getting a "real" job, if ever. Any place that makes anything higher than pocket change (that's what I call our poor excuse of a minimum wage) would be looking for someone willing to commit. I want to be able to move out from living with my mom and sister and I won't be able to do that making less than $10 an hour. I make $8.50 now and thats still nowhere near enough. I can't even think of starting back at minimum wage again. I guess the best I can do is be honest with them and hope for the best. My uncle keeps trying to get me to apply to the window making company he works at. I guess ill give in and try them.

So yeah, I know I need to leave. I just need a lot of help in coping with things in the mean time. Thanks if you made it this far in reading all that.


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## Tymes Rhymes (May 28, 2014)

@Antigrav01

It is as though you've taken the words from right out of my mouth. The only difference between you and I is that I've only been working at my job for 4 months and I'm already sick of it.

I too am a cashier at a grocery store and my job has been causing me an immense amount of depression and anxiety which is only getting worse.

This store was the only place that would hire me as well. I'm not some abhorrent figure either. The job market is terrible and after applying to a myriad of places, these guys were the only ones to give me a call back.

The only part where you and I differ is that I don't consider my co-workers or managers my friends. I don't talk to them unless it actually pertains to the job but I guess that is just a matter of preference.

At work, I suffer from mini-panic attacks caused from my anxiety. I start to hyperventilate everyday right before I clock in and I have to calm myself down. If I reach a point of homeostasis, I then spend the rest of the day trying not to be annoyed by customers and co-workers while also realizing how pointless it all is. This job causes my depression.

Zombies huh? Suiting analogy. I see customers buy HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of dollars worth of food only because they saw something on TV Then they spend a few minutes holding up the lane only to dig out a coupon that will save them $0.40 on their frozen vegetables.

We are a materialistic culture for sure and that therefore drives the vapid populous to be highly consumeristic to acquire said materials.

Rude, pathetic, self-aggrandizing, miserable, zombies.

Express lanes suck because customers come in quick succession to each other not allowing me to gather my thoughts.

Every time a customer with a large cart full of groceries comes into my regular lane, I scan and hear it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. The bane of my existence. You wake up, get ready, go to work, all to hear that ever so vexatious sound of "beep." I think that I've unintentionally conditioned myself to get sick whenever I hear that beep because every time that I scan an item I feel ill.

A lot of customers are rude, void of any intelligence, and are only out for themselves. Are there "nice" customers? Sure but I don't even trust them because I've had "nice" customers turn into the devil incarnate because of a perceived injustice while later proving that they were wrong about whatever they were mad about.

"Have a nice day." "Have a good one." I say these so much that I start to flub over my words and not mean it. I am essentially reciting from a script to appease my bosses so that they can continue to have people come back.

We are actually told to feign an interest in peoples lives and hold conversations with them. I've seen managers do this and as soon as the customer leaves, the manager trash talks them. They don't care about the customer, they just want their money yet some customers are too dumb to realize it.

I don't belong there. I am capable of much more. I've had a few customers tell me as much as well by the way I speak and carry myself. I hate it there and my stress, depression and anxiety are only further becoming a detriment as I stay there.

You can NEVER make a living working in the retail environment unless you become the head store manager which is another thing.

My store manager is ****ing clueless as to how to run the register or do anything other than bag groceries which is sad. How she became a store manager is beyond me and things have been disorganized at my store ever since she transferred to it.

I stand and ring out items, that is it. When the store is dead, I stand waiting around for customers to come to my lane. I actually got yelled at for trying to find something to do during a dead period. At least as a CC( bagger) you get to move around. As a cashier, you are expected to just stay put for 8 ****ing hours of the day.

Retail sucks and I would love to be able to leave it right now.


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## Antigrav01 (Oct 11, 2010)

I consider myself "real" with the customers. I mean, I wont be _totally_ open with them. When they ask "how are you" ill just say "not too bad" or "pretty good" even though its the complete opposite. It's to save any sort of awkwardness, really. I don't converse with them unless they initiate a conversation, and even then, I wont purposely try to keep it going if you know what I mean. I'm not mean to even the worst customers, but if im angry or annoyed, they'll know it. If i'm happy and actually not minding their presence, they'll know it. I'm never fake and over the top with my external emotions like a couple of my co-workers. I don't know why customers play along with it or act like their cashiers are being genuine. Me personally, if you aren't being real with me, don't even bother. This isn't a theater, this is real life. I think it's worked out well since some customers seem to like me. They're nice to me, so i'm nice back and hopefully they know that if I laugh or smile, it's a genuine reaction. As much as I don't like being around people usually, I do really like making connections with people when I _am_ around them.

And yeah, consumer zombies. Our self-checkouts require a store card to use. If they scan an item before scanning their card, a message will pop up clearly explaining that they need that card. What would an intelligent person do? Probably call a self-checkout attendant over to look their card up or find a regular register. What do so many of our customers do? Stand there like morons scanning something a few times wondering why it's not working. Oh it says I need my card? No matter, ill just keep scanning stu- Oh its still not working? Let me keep trying. I just...I just cant fathom the stupidity. How could another human being be so stupid? If a sign said the stove was hot, would they still touch it? Probably. And when my light is off, that means i'm closed. I had one guy come in my line while it was closed and he was still talking to his friend. I kept telling him that I was closed (politely) while I was scanning out my last customer. He kept ignoring me and talking to his friend. When he finally looked my way, I think I got snappy a bit and told him much more sternly that I was closed and to go to another line. He got pissy with me and stormed off like it was my fault he's a moron. I have so so many examples of people being completely oblivious. And just flat out rudeness. The bags are right next to us, so we have to bag the groceries too. There have been times where customers will just reach right over the counter for their bags, yanking the bag holder thing, forcing me to hold it down so it doesn't fly up. Or they'll stand RIGHT FRIGGEN NEXT TO ME while i'm trying to bag their stuff and take the bag out of the holder when i'm barely done filling it up. Those things _really_ tick me off. Ill give them small glares.

On the rare chance I get to watch the self-checkouts, I don't mind working there as much. I can actually move around and things are FAR less repetitive. If im working nights/late evenings (done at 10pm, 11pm, or 12am), at the end of the shift, I'll get to collect go backs or garbage. Unfortunately, there are a few people who always seem to get to be the self-checkout people. I used to do it a lot, but hardly much at all anymore. I suspect favoritism. At least I get put outside for lot duty when the lot guys go on vacation or someone's sick. People are always like "stuck out there again, huh?" when I prefer it much more than being inside slaving at a register. Being outside definitely has its fare share of rudeness and stupidity though. Cars parking in the no parking zone, blocking my way into the lobby. Cars parking in the space right in front of me while im loading the cart caddy up, forcing me to unload the whole thing so I can turn it around. Yeah, that happened. One guy got out of his car, looked at me, and kept walking. I wanted to knife his car up so badly. People sometimes just stand there in the lobby chatting with their friends, blocking me from bringing in more carts or will suddenly stop while im behind them and wonder why my 5'5" self wasnt able to stop the momentum of like 500lbs worth of carts on a dime. But still, being outside isn't nearly as bad as being inside, overall.

I hate people and I hate my job. I'll take an extra 5 minutes or so when im on my break or lunch. We aren't allowed, obviously, but so far no one has done anything about it even though a couple of the coordinators don't like it. I don't care. I'll take an extra 5 minutes if I want to, those breaks are too short and my job is too stressful. You cant eat food and go to the bathroom in less than 15 minutes, so i'll take my time. I wear my jeans too, even though we are only allowed black or khaki pants. What are they going to do, fire me? They'd be doing me a favor. No one has said anything about the pants though, even the store manager. I openly defy rules like that including using my tablet or phone when no customers are in my line or having a drink at the register because it keeps me sane. It makes me feel like I have at least SOME control over my environment. It really does feel like a prison there. Im surprised they don't make us wear the same haircut. They did, for a time, try making us stand "in our spot" when no customers were in our lines, which was a small piece of tape at the end of the register line. We cashiers collectively refused to follow that bull****. Corporate was hanging out at the store for a time and they're the ones who made us do that. We refused to even while they were still there, not just after they left. Couldn't even read the magazines when we were supposed to stand there. Good thing they gave up on that.


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## da1 (Aug 6, 2014)

I have really bad SA and having a job really messes me up inside. For my last job I only managed to stay for 2 weeks before throwing in the towel. The location was near, working hours were decent and yet it was making me feel so miserable every single second of the day (even during weekends). The anxiety of being in the same room with the same colleagues for an entire day drains me faster than I could manage. I did not handle myself well and ended up offending some lady. Eventually, I had to get the hell out of that place because I messed up big time. In hindsight, I should have confronted the nasty behaviour and not have left the job but it is too late for that now. I really need the money so I gotta have a full time job. I think I have another job offer coming but the thought of going back to work freaks me out big time. Last night, as I was taking my evening walk, I found myself crying uncontrollably from the fear of being with people again. I'm a guy who has reached the mid point of my life expectancy and yet has not achieved the accomplish of somebody 12 years my junior. This is not doing great for my self esteem. Having a job: Can feel myself going insane. Not having a job: Feeling like the biggest loser in this world. And so the unhealthy cycle ensues.


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## BlueDay (May 6, 2014)

da1 said:


> Having a job: Can feel myself going insane. Not having a job: Feeling like the biggest loser in this world. And so the unhealthy cycle ensues.


This is the pickle I always find myself in as well! Damned if you do, damned if you don't. *sigh*


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## Strider579 (Sep 7, 2014)

Hey, I have some weird mix of SA and Aspergers, I hate social interactions and I see stupid people everywhere I go. The most depressing thing in my life is looking out at a world full of idiots and thinking "is this it?".

You have to work, but you don't have to like it. Take the skills you have, learn more and then look for something else.

The world is full of all those cool kids, who left school, left friends behind and are now exposed for what they really are, idiots. If you can learn to laugh at them (not to their face obviously), then you can learn to cope.


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## Antigrav01 (Oct 11, 2010)

I think social anxiety can be part of Asperger's, often times. I was never diagnosed, but when my mom used to work with autistic kids as part of her job, she would tell me how she notices similarities between my personality/behavior and that of people with Asperger's. I even took several online AQ tests and would technically rank as having it, but the score was low enough that I could also still be consider "normal". But whatever. We figure im just borderline. No need to get a diagnosis, because I doubt it'll change anything anyway.

Anyway...yeah. As much as I hate it there, it has helped me in some ways. My social anxiety isnt as bad as what it used to be and I think I can interact with people better. But at this point, that job is poison and I need to leave. And I will. Just need to find another job.


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Man i used to work in supermarket retail. I lasted 1.5 years. I felt dead as soon as i started work cos i knew id just be standing and scanning items or ripping open boxes to stack items on shelves.. I was very good at my job but it literally depressed me being there.
I wasnt even 'there'. I was on autopilot. Lame


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## Omgblood (Jun 30, 2010)

I was a pretty happy, optimistic, positive person before I began my job at the factory. Now I'm turning cynical, bitter and avoid getting close to people, not because I'm socially anxious, because I can really ****ing hate people at times. I should have quit the 3rd day I was there. It would have saved me a lot of grief in the long run, but the job pays over minimum and is flexible with school which is why I stuck it out. If I quit my job, will the next one be any better? Or will I run into the same stupid ****.


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## dgodfrey (Oct 11, 2013)

I know exactly what you mean. Having worked in JCPenney and Applebees the environment is enough to drive you crazy. We're all with more than these minimum wage jobs. We are not our jobs, we are our passions, hopes, aspirations, dreams, and wishes.


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## HannahG (Aug 31, 2010)

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like my job is killing me. It was bad before but getting worse. If there were better jobs out there, I'd take one but there isn't. So it's like I feel trapped and my soul gets squashed every day. Every person I speak to annoys me and I'm so sick of fake laughing or fake the stupid cheerful voice that my boss wants, that when I get home I'm am so completely exhausted that I can't do anything I like because I have no energy. 

It sucks.


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## Tymes Rhymes (May 28, 2014)

HannahG said:


> I know exactly what you mean. I feel like my job is killing me. It was bad before but getting worse. If there were better jobs out there, I'd take one but there isn't. So it's like I feel trapped and my soul gets squashed every day. Every person I speak to annoys me and I'm so sick of fake laughing or fake the stupid cheerful voice that my boss wants, that when I get home I'm am so completely exhausted that I can't do anything I like because I have no energy.
> 
> It sucks.


Oh indeed. Today, my head manager got on me for not saying "Hi" to someone.

I'm so tired of HAVING to engage with every biological life-form that infiltrates our presence.

Having to ask, "How are you?" "Did you find everything okay?" etc etc, all the while feigning an interest in them by having an inflection in your voice as you speak to them.

I'm so tired of pretending to be happy to serve hundreds of customers that I couldn't care less about.


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

Cashiering is such a horrible job. I've done it with two other jobs and I absolutely* despised* it. When I first started I honestly couldn't believe how awful people can be to you when you're only trying to help them. I couldn't get over how entitled people can be and the temper tantrums they throw at you when you say no to their ridiculous demands or scream at you for things beyond your control (i.e. prices, store policies, membership cards, proof of ID). I also noticed that no matter how you try and rectify the situation, nothing will make them happy. You can't win. And unfortunately I dealt with these kinds of people often in the form of junkies, which made it all the more unpleasant for me.

It got to the point to where whenever I was on my way to work I literally felt like I was walking on my way to the gallows. And as soon I got there my stomach would be in knots and I'd be one hair away from a panic attack. I'd always be on edge and very serious to the point where I had co-workers nag on me for being "weird". Which reminds me, that's another part of the job I never liked. The constant disrespect by both management and customers. As a cashier you *are* a valuable asset but you get treated like dirt. It's horrible. At my last job unfortunately part of the job involved occasional cashiering, so it's no surprise I often tried to avoid doing it. But when I was specifically called up there all the anxiety and dread I experienced before with my other job would *always *come right back and... yeah. Hell.

Honestly, those who are doing cashier work are doing the Lord's work because it's basically a job where you get pissed and sh*t on every day.


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## HannahG (Aug 31, 2010)

Perkins said:


> The constant disrespect by both management and customers.


^^ Yes. This goes for being the person on the other end of the phone too. I've had many programs (cancer society, suicide help line, credit cards, health assistance line) In all programs people treat us like S***.

And when I hear people complain about the retail clerk, cashier, etc, I try to remind them "Yes but they spend 8-10 hrs a day, all day every day yelled at, disrespected, and they are doing the job purely because they have no other choice. They put up with everyone and everything and yet NO ONE gives them respect." I often get the response "Then they should just quit". Like jobs grow on trees... I don't get humans sometimes. It's just...awful.


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## Tymes Rhymes (May 28, 2014)

Perkins said:


> Cashiering is such a horrible job. I've done it with two other jobs and I absolutely* despised* it. When I first started I honestly couldn't believe how awful people can be to you when you're only trying to help them. I couldn't get over how entitled people can be and the temper tantrums they throw at you when you say no to their ridiculous demands or scream at you for things beyond your control (i.e. prices, store policies, membership cards, proof of ID). I also noticed that no matter how you try and rectify the situation, nothing will make them happy. You can't win. And unfortunately I dealt with these kinds of people often in the form of junkies, which made it all the more unpleasant for me.
> 
> It got to the point to where whenever I was on my way to work I literally felt like I was walking on my way to the gallows. And as soon I got there my stomach would be in knots and I'd be one hair away from a panic attack. I'd always be on edge and very serious to the point where I had co-workers nag on me for being "weird". Which reminds me, that's another part of the job I never liked. The constant disrespect by both management and customers. As a cashier you *are* a valuable asset but you get treated like dirt. It's horrible. At my last job unfortunately part of the job involved occasional cashiering, so it's no surprise I often tried to avoid doing it. But when I was specifically called up there all the anxiety and dread I experienced before with my other job would *always *come right back and... yeah. Hell.
> 
> Honestly, those who are doing cashier work are doing the Lord's work because it's basically a job where you get pissed and sh*t on every day.


Ahhhh....so you definitely know how it is. Working as a cashier, you begin to realize how one-sighted, narcissistic, and solipsistic people can be.

You are trying to the best of your ability to be kind only to get treated akin to dirt by customers and co-workers.

Walking to the gallows is an apt analogy. I feel this way all of the time before work while i'm on the way to work. My heart thumps, my stomach is in knots right before I clock in.

I've had co-workers treat me like crap because I don't talk often. I've had managers get me in trouble because I don't talk to them.

Working basic customer service jobs really shows you just how stupid people can be. whether with customers or co-workers.


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## WhiteKitty (Jun 4, 2014)

I am also going through some awful work stress ....a few times, I didn't know if I was getting sick but I felt light-headed and shaky...other times I feel my chest is so tight, I don't know if I have a physical health issue or not....and that feeling itself makes it worse.

my manager pulled out the "We saw you work this way on camera"...so now I am super paranoid


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