# I can finally say I no longer have SAD



## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

I've been a member of SASforum for many years. My presence has been dwindling because I have (finally) made it to the other side. 

About five years ago, I really didn't see myself getting much better and almost felt resigned to a life of loneliness and depression. I can say with some certainly I don't feel like that anymore. I am a much different person than I once was. It was hell of a lot of work though. 

I had a high level of anxiety for as long as I could remember. Talking to anyone was almost painful. At the time, I thought this was a normal part of living. When I was about thirteen, I realized that for reasons unknown, I was severely unhappy. I couldn't wrap my head around why people my own age seemed to enjoy life so much. After contemplating suicide, I asked to see a therapist and my Mom agreed. A psychiatrist started me on a regimen of medications shortly thereafter.

I started taking Paxil and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Finally I was able to say things without feeling like I would be crushed if I said something 'wrong'. I continued to see that psychiatrist for years, still suffering from bouts of depression. Although I continued to be very shy and had difficulties making new friends in high-school.

I went to college and soon dropped out due to severe depression. My parents took me in again and I slogged through my days pretty directionless. So, I started seeing a therapist (again) and she was very intuitive. She was a big follower of the cognitive behavioral therapy approach. Along with a new job, my confidence and zeal for life started to come back. I felt so good that I didn't desire to be on medication any longer. When I told the psychiatrist there, he essentially said' than you have no reason to be here' and I was kicked out of their program. To this day, I still think he acted irresponsibly. He was an *******. 

I did see a few therapists again, on and off. The last one I saw seriously was a pretty sexy woman. She wore bright red lipstick and these beat-up low heals. After so many sessions, we came to an impasse. I wasn't making any decisions in my life and I just didn't know what to say anymore. She said 'well, I don't want us to come and stare at each other for every visit'. So I didn't. 

In between all this, I had started to hang out with some friends. First, with my close friend who used to live next door and then with my cousin. My job involved working with the public, which was very hard at first. I remember actually pacing for several minutes to phone customers that their work was ready. My palms would get sweaty trying to help people on the floor. I did my best to not hide in the back. 

So, here I sit. Some major milestones for me: I went on a short camping trip with a bunch of guys. Only one of whom I knew well. I traveled to Poland alone to visit my dear brother. I've gone on several dates. I had sworn off dating in high school because I didn't feel mentally stable enough. One summer romance, however brief, remains one of my best memories. She was an incredibly passionate kisser. 

I went back to school, earned an associates in liberal arts. This was particularly challenging because I had to fight many insecurities in order to get work done. After hemming and hawing, I finally contacted someone in a field that I was interested in. I have been interning with her for about two months now and I am most likely going to transfer to another school in order to begin my path for that profession. 

I am proud of where I have come from as it has been a long journey. I took incremental steps. I allowed myself to feel pain in order to grow as a person. I still experience things that knock me on my ***. The difference though, is that I know I can handle the obstacles. Life is enjoyable enough for me now, that I see setbacks like speed-bumps. Life isn't easy. But I can see how clearly it is worth the effort. 

It's hard to describe what needs to happen in order to get better, especially because I know everyone has different reasons for experiencing anxiety. For me, what worked was gradual exposure, coupled with using what I learned and applying it to real-life situations. You really have to push your boundaries as well. It's a lot like exercise, where, initially it is very difficult. Once you get into a rythym though, your muscles learn and it seems more natural. 

I intend for this synopsis of my recovery to show how making small steps can lead to a big change. I remember reading many recovery stories on here and they seemed pretty hallow because they were just brimming with optimism. I've always valued honesty and realism and I hope that came through here.

TLDR: I went through a lot to get where I am now: therapy, exposure and persistence.


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## Donnie in the Dark (Mar 15, 2011)

It definitely sounds like you earned it. I think you are right in that there isn't a quick fix, and SA doesn't just suddenly go away- you gave it time and plenty of positive and intelligent action. 
I'm really really pleased for you


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## jvo (Apr 24, 2013)

:clapThat's great! The honesty is appreciated, because only expecting sunshine and roses will lead someone to failure. Congrats on your success and may you continue in your current state.


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## toughcase (Mar 16, 2013)

May I ask if you still feel the physical symptoms of anxiety though? Do you still have trouble breathing/tense up like a bad habit when you're in crowded places or social situations? (Even though you can handle them and have the knowledge that you're in no actual danger) Thank you.


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## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

toughcase said:


> May I ask if you still feel the physical symptoms of anxiety though? Do you still have trouble breathing/tense up like a bad habit when you're in crowded places or social situations? (Even though you can handle them and have the knowledge that you're in no actual danger) Thank you.


I still tend to tense up in more socially intense situations. But I deal. I try not to be too hard on myself when there's a lot going on. My brain is so saturated by everything, I try first to focus on the experience.

A tactic that I have employed many times is to create a small, obtainable goal to push myself. For instance, I was tryin to go clubbin alone for the first time. I said to myself, "if I make it inside then the night will have been a success. I did something new." From there, I asked a few girls to dance. No luck finding anyone, but it was a big step.

The common thing to do is to compare yourself to your peers. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they're doing. if you want to experience a life not bound by fear, you have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself. If that sounds heavy, it is. The scary feeling is learning to trust yourself when you have doubted for so long. It's a continuous battle.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

^Learning to react differently to things that happen. Very true. It's thought training and yes, it's a battle.

Life will always be stressful. Learning to handle it and keep it in perspective is the most important part.

Well done, man.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

sherbert! I am so proud of you. you've expressed what has to be done beautifully. thank you for taking the time to make that post and share with others what it took for you to overcome SA. I have missed you around here, but i am so happy for you that you accomplished what you set out to do. I suppose this means you won't be around here much if at all. All the best to you.


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## Supra (Jul 19, 2012)

congrats


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## graymatter (Mar 31, 2011)

Inspiring. Thank you for sharing.


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## TrueColor (Apr 21, 2013)

I'm really glad for you. Thanks for sharing your experience. Very encouraging


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## yettobediscovered (Nov 4, 2012)

sherbert said:


> I still tend to tense up in more socially intense situations. But I deal. I try not to be too hard on myself when there's a lot going on. My brain is so saturated by everything, I try first to focus on the experience.
> 
> A tactic that I have employed many times is to create a small, obtainable goal to push myself. For instance, I was tryin to go clubbin alone for the first time. I said to myself, "if I make it inside then the night will have been a success. I did something new." From there, I asked a few girls to dance. No luck finding anyone, but it was a big step.
> 
> The common thing to do is to compare yourself to your peers. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they're doing. if you want to experience a life not bound by fear, you have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself. If that sounds heavy, it is. The scary feeling is learning to trust yourself when you have doubted for so long. It's a continuous battle.


I have never copied what anyone has said on the internet onto my computer until now. That line "if you want to experience a life not bound by fear, you have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself" just spoke to me tremendously. I don't quite understand it yet, but I will and when I do, jesus christ. It hasn't hit me yet, but it will hit me how that statement hits the nail on the head. I just know it does, call it intuition. I think I wait to hear certain things from other people and I don't know I'm waiting to hear it until I actually hear it and I've definitely been waiting to hear "if you want to experience a life not bound by fear, you have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself...he scary feeling is learning to trust yourself when you have doubted for so long. It's a continuous battle." So thank you very much for sharing all that with us. Very helpful. Nice realization. I hope you end up finding your bliss. Sounds like you're on your way. Keep it up yo haha


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## G4Z (May 8, 2013)

Congratulations.



sherbert said:


> if you want to experience a life not bound by fear, you have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself.


:yes

I'd even change it to: You have to let go of your rigid perception of yourself.

Period. As long as we have rigid beliefs about ourselves and the world, life is bound to be hard. We should always be open to the possibility that maybe what I think isn't really true.


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## Darkwindz (Mar 30, 2013)

That is brilliant, mate. It is hard to get over it, but when it happens it's like a weight lifted and you can think clearly. I got over S.A a few months ago, but I still occasionally get anxious at times. I think it's natural for S.A. to stay with you for a few months after, but soon enough you will be free of S.A.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

congrats


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## Theillusiveman (Mar 18, 2013)

Awesome. Some of the "forget about it" types seriously need ti see this.


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## Diáfanos (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks for the insight from a long time member, I bookmarked it and looking forward to reading this.

And Congrats


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