# Therapist Doesn't Give Me Guidance



## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

I have been seeing a therapist since January about my general anxiety and social anxiety. I have always had problems connecting with people because of my fears of being judged and I have trouble being honest about my feelings, etc.

We spent the first month going over my childhood and it gave me great clarity for why I am this way. This felt good because I now understand myself better and I don't feel as frustrated about why I'm like this anymore.

BUT....

Eight months later and I keep coming in talking about the challenges I face with social situations and how I tend to avoid them and she always confirms how I feel and I've done a GREAT job of opening up but she NEVER gives me advice about what to do now (strategies, tips, etc.) She always responds to my anxiety problems by looking for the source of it (my past) which is great but it's not helping me be more confident TODAY.

I've been very patient and I do like the part about going to therapy to talk openly and honestly about my feelings because I don't have anyone in my life to do that with (at least not that I'm comfortable sharing with) so on one account it's nice. But on the other account it's frustrating and I wonder if she's taking me for a ride because she never tells me how to cope in the present. It's like she's stuck in my past and only wants to talk about that or just confirm my feelings.

But why doesn't my therapist say "Try this" or "This is what you should work on TODAY." She spends so much time digging into my past and providing REASONS for why am I the way I am but not how to solve the issues. She always seems to avoid giving me direct advice.

I got bold enough to share my feelings today and I even said "So what do you suggest I do now about my lack of confidence and anxiety?" I told her that I don't feel we're making anymore progress. And she answered my question with a question about how does that make me feel that I feel that she can't help me? ARRRGGGHH!!! I don't want to talk anymore about my past and how I feel I want a direct answer as to why you don't give me specific advice! (I didn't say that last part but I think I will next week.)

I think it's time to leave and maybe try CBT. I've heard that deals more with the here and now. I know and understand my past better, but therapy has done nothing and hasn't provided any strategies for TODAY.

Any advice? Anyone else felt this in therapy?


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

Yeah, I've been doing psychodynamic therapy also, for a year and a half, and I had similar frustrations. But then all of a sudden it started helping. I think it was from forming a relationship with my therapist. My anxiety has gone way down lately.

The insight you gain from understanding where things come from is not actually very helpful - it was Freud's approach, and it never really worked very well. My understanding is that you need to actually reexperience disowned and painful emotions in order to properly integrate them, and so that's what a lot of my therapy has been about. There are good neuroscientific reasons for why you need to do this. If you don't do this, they're still there, waiting to be set off in situations that are similar to when they got set down. I've always had problems with close relationships, and I think that is why. 

I did CBT when I was younger, but it doesn't go as deep as psychodynamic therapy, and it eventually "wore off". Having trouble with close relationships contributed a lot to that though. And I did NOT learn the cognitive techniques very well. I recently got Mind Over Mood and it's a great workbook for actually learning them. 

I think I probably should have gone with CBT last year, just to get more functional, and then maybe done psychodynamic later. It was very frustrating being so nonfunctional while still doing therapy, and CBT is a lot better at getting you on your feet more quickly.

My first session with my CBT therapist 20 years ago was like "what are your goals", and we made a list of how to accomplish them. She gave me homework exercises to do through the week. It was great.


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## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

I think I want to try CBT. I need a more direct approach with guidance/homework/strategies, etc. I've read that therapists aren't supposed to give you advice but if I ask for it at least give me a direct answer to why you won't or give me a referral. It's to the point where every session we talk about the same things and I feel like a broken record. And I do all the talking while she just reaffirms and confirms everything I say.

I need advice, lady! LOL

I've told her several times that I would like more strategies but she always beats around the bush with some vague statements about my feelings. I feel I'm in touch with my feelings now. It's been 8 months and I want some tips to help me deal with my confidence. Once I asked her what I can do for my anxiety/worries and she said "Well, I can't tell you because I think you can handle it." WHAT? That should have been my clue to cancel. (Actually I tried but she encouraged me to try again so I did.) So I came here for help and she tells me I can figure it out? If that's the case why am I here?

The more I type, the more sure I am that I want to end this. I think I will start looking for other options. I think I just needed to vent. Thanks for responding.


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

ski-li said:


> The more I type, the more sure I am that I want to end this. I think I will start looking for other options. I think I just needed to vent. Thanks for responding.


You're welcome, and good luck with your search.

I know it can be difficult to quit a therapist, but if you find yourself wavering, make a list of pros and cons for the two options. And you can always go back for psychodynamic later if you still have deeper problems to deal with.


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## wjc75225 (Jul 24, 2010)

ski-li said:


> I think I want to try CBT. I need a more direct approach with guidance/homework/strategies, etc. I've read that therapists aren't supposed to give you advice but if I ask for it at least give me a direct answer to why you won't or give me a referral. It's to the point where every session we talk about the same things and I feel like a broken record. And I do all the talking while she just reaffirms and confirms everything I say.
> 
> I need advice, lady! LOL
> 
> ...


Sorry to say it, but you may need a new therapist. Mine teaches CBT and gives me tips on how to push myself outside my comfort zone little by little. What ever you read that said therapists aren't supposed to give advice is full of BS. That's exactly what they're for. I mean, if you want someone to just vent to, that's fine, but a true therapist should also give advice. My therapist doesn't even really use the word "therapist" .. She uses the term "goal coach". The sport is socialization.


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## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

Exactly! That's why I quit yesterday. I honestly started to feel like she was just stringing me along for the money. If your therapist can't give you a straight answer or a plan for how she can or can't help then that's a sign. 

I do realize that all therapists are not coaches but she should explain that when I ask for advice or refer me to someone else. Not just answer my question with another question and keep affirming my feelings every week.

I'm looking for a CBT in my area now. Thanks for the confirmation.


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## wjc75225 (Jul 24, 2010)

ski-li said:


> Exactly! That's why I quit yesterday. I honestly started to feel like she was just stringing me along for the money. If your therapist can't give you a straight answer or a plan for how she can or can't help then that's a sign.
> 
> I do realize that all therapists are not coaches but she should explain that when I ask for advice or refer me to someone else. Not just answer my question with another question and keep affirming my feelings every week.
> 
> I'm looking for a CBT in my area now. Thanks for the confirmation.


No problem! And good job for quitting her! She probably was in it just for the money. I have been to therapists like her who wouldn't really do anything. It can take some time to find a good therapist. Maybe there are reviews online for therapists in your area?


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

ski-li said:


> I think I want to try CBT. I need a more direct approach with guidance/homework/strategies, etc. I've read that therapists aren't supposed to give you advice but if I ask for it at least give me a direct answer to why you won't or give me a referral. It's to the point where every session we talk about the same things and I feel like a broken record. And I do all the talking while she just reaffirms and confirms everything I say.
> 
> I need advice, lady! LOL
> 
> ...


Ultimately, if you don't get along with your therapist, even if they are top-notch, you won't make any progress. Sounds like you need to start externalizing and taking some chances. Many therapists are hesitant to say that tough because they think it needs to come from you.

If she is really saying crap like "Well, I can't tell you because I think you can handle it." leave.


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## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

VanDamMan said:


> If she is really saying crap like "Well, I can't tell you because I think you can handle it." leave.


YES! She literally said this to me in Month 2 when I asked her how to deal with my anxiety. Her words were "I am not going to tell you what to do because I think you can handle it." So the next week, I tried to quit via phone and she encouraged me to come back and be more open about what I need.

She told me that I need to be more honest about what I need instead of internalizing it. Great point. She was right about that so in the coming months I did just that. I told her that it really turned me off when she said she wasn't going to tell me what to do about my anxiety and she admitted it may have come off wrong but she STILL DIDN'T PROVIDE ANY STRATEGIES. She kept going back to my past. Which was fine for clarity but that doesn't help me deal with things TODAY.

So in the next 6 months I found myself asking over and over again "So do you have any advice for exercises or things I can do to help with my anxiety and depression?" "I am stuck in a rut, what advice would you give me?" So then she goes back to how I feel and my childhood. I spent 8 months listening to her explain how my parents are the reason I am what I am today but never any take-home strategies or tips.

One time she even asked ME what I think I could do to help myself in social situations. UMMMM.... isn't that what I am paying YOU for?

So on my last day, I gave her one more chance and expressed my frustration (and for me that was hard but I did it.) She said "I can't really give you any more tips other than what you've been doing." (Mind you.... she was referring to the tips/practices I learned ONLINE, not in therapy.)

How crazy is that I was in therapy but going home to the Internet to get helpful advice about my anxiety. I even told her that the online strategies were more helpful than what I was getting in therapy and she never addressed that or seemed to suggest a solution or provide a referral. Her default move was to go back to my past.

Now I'm angry I gave her so much of my time and money. And I was paying for my therapy out of my own pocket. Horrible. Lesson learned. Always get a referral. I found her on one of those online therapist directories.


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## ski-li (Jan 18, 2004)

wjc75225 said:


> Maybe there are reviews online for therapists in your area?


That's exactly how I found her and I would never go to someone again without asking the right questions (interviewing the therapist so to speak) and getting a referral.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin (Nov 28, 2009)

That's exactly why I asked for cbt and not any another kind of pychotherapy.

Sounds like you're going round in circles, my advice get another therapist who specialises in cbt.


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