# Do YOU Reject People Because of your S.A. fears?



## TheGMan (Jun 10, 2004)

I was just responding to another topic, while also dealing with some personal issues and basically re-evaluating my whole life. I realized something about myself I've somehow avoided acknowledging. Perhaps it was easier to avoid the truth.

My entire life I have felt like a VICTIM of S.A. I have felt disliked, rejected, and wronged by those I love when I did manage to have relationships.

The reality is there are many times in my life where I have been the aggressor and my "victimhood" is only related to my perceived rejection..AFTER I rejected someone or failed to show interest,etc.

If this doesn't make sense, I will give you a scenario. Someone shows some level of interest in you ( though if you have S.A. I think you might be less likely to pick up on this), you fail to respond. They, possibly hurt/offended, move on.

Now I know a lot of people will say that no one ever shows interest in them and that if someone did they would make sure to do something with the opportunity. For me, it doesn't work that way.

I often thought that no one liked me. I have gone through long periods of time when I didnt notice any interest- though (not coincidentally) these were times when I was the most withdrawn ( and not working outside the house or otherwise obligated to be around people). However, there have always been some women/"girls" interested in me- to some extent. Sometimes I was completely oblivious, but they were there. I don't mean a LOT. I just mean enough. Yet, for the most part, I rejected them, Unintentionally or not. Often these were women I really really liked or even loved.

Why would I do this? While I could speculate on why someone with S.A. or a "S.A. male" would do this, I can only speak of my own experiences.

Often its just plain fear from S.A. Afraid to talk, afraid to call, afraid to "make a move." Rejection can be subtle. It doesn't have to be turning someone down for a date or saying means things. It could be failing to respond to non-verbal cues or any number of things.

Some of it is just social awkwardness and lack of social skills- like not "reading" people and recognizing interest.

The rest is pretty blatant rejection that comes from the fear of bad outcomes, performance anxiety, and perfectionism. For example, you may already conclude in your head that things will not work out. You don't get involved in something because you don't want to deal with the unhappy ending. Maybe you fear you wont perform perfectly ( or adequately, depending on your issues), so you avoid having what should be a good experience.

I have thought of several situations in my life. I don't want to list them all here, obviously. But a couple examples:

I had a crush on this girl for around 2 years. There was a lot of obvious mutual interest, at least I thought so. When I realized the window had closed, I asked her friend about it. "She didn't know if you liked her." HUh? I figured I did pretty much everything besides write it in the sky, but I guess not. In retrospect I see where I rejected her in some ways or failed to really respond. I always thought she was toying with me. Maybe she thought the same thing about me?

A girl requested to be setup with me. I was uncomfortable with the whole situation but I did find her attractive. I wouldn't have minded. I ended up spending a day with her and she rode in my car. The only thing I said to her all day was that she could change the radio station if she wanted. That's it. I have S.A., you know. She would hang out around my house because her best friend was my best friend's GF. She ended up with boyfriend and had to make a point to let me know, including what they were doing. I was pissed. Her friend told me " Well, she didn't think you liked her. You didn't TALK to her." Makes sense, but at the time I felt hurt.

Even the first time I had a real GF- I rejected her at first. She asked me on a date to see a movie. I told her to go with someone else and made a suggestion. Eventually we went. Then I didn't even realize it was a date or what a date really was. I thought it was all about the movie. She let me know she wasn't really interested in the movie at all.

Most regrettably, I have rejected a woman I really love. And I don't know if I can use S.A. as an excuse my whole life, but the reason is in there. My anxiety precludes certain experiences when I am struggling with perfectionism and performance expectations. It's taken as personal rejection. So I hurt others, and that's the worst thing about my S.A.

A lot of S.A. is focused on how we think others perceive us, but a lot of life deals with how others think we perceive THEM. From reading here for 6 years, I honestly don't think a lot of us "get" this.

I don't want to make anyone feel bad if you really don't receive any romantic attention, but I very much suspect others have situations like mine where you are either completely oblivious to it or you unintentionally reject potential suitors.


----------



## Ambivert (Jan 16, 2010)

yes,yes,yes,yes x1000 yes. It's my defense mechanism, I push others away before they can have the chance to push me away. I've sabotaged so many potential relationships because of it. I relate to the "aggressor" part, I set myself up to be the victim even though its reverse, I delude myself.


----------



## shappy127 (Oct 12, 2009)

i know exactly how you feel. i have pushed away people my entire life. i have been verbally abused by my father my whole life and it has left me unable to trust people and made me unable to express my true self around ppl for fear of rejection. i have this mental barrier that makes it so hard for me to develop strong relationships with people..even with my parents, who i barely even talk to, my sister, who i never really call anymore, and especially the love of my life, which i was so lucky to find. she is so wonderful, beautiful, and the sweetest thing in the whole wide world, and i keep pushing her away..and it makes her miserable. i keep seeing her as interference in my life..but really she is here to save my life from going to shambles


----------



## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

Yes. So many people tried to be my friends this year and I pushed them all away because I was scared.


----------



## Twisted Muffin (Mar 18, 2010)

Yep...so true. When somebody shows any intrest in me I always ignore it, thinking iut's my imagination and when they actually come out and say it I always reject them. Despite the fact that I actually liked some of them. In fact, today something completly unexpected happened. There is this guy which my friends always teased me with because I said I liked his hair. >.> I didn't like him, and I was certain that he was always laughing at me behind my back. when a friend informed me that he would have gone out with me if I had talked to him. Now...I don't really care, but I failed to notice anything AT ALL. - EPIC FAIL-


----------



## TheCanadian1 (Sep 14, 2009)

Unfortunately yes.

I've left good relationships because I felt I wasn't, "good enough" for them. I felt I was holding them back in a social way... not going out with them and stuff.


----------



## GnR (Sep 25, 2009)

Good post man. I identify with almost all of it.

I am getting a little tired of calling it SA though; it's low self-esteem for me, simple as that. You talk about the victim syndrome, and I don't want to tell myself I'm this way because of a "disorder", or anything else other than my own choices. I'm not saying it isn't real, just that for me, it almost seems like a form of avoidance and delusion to say that I'm a victim of a disorder. I've hurt (and rejected) many people, and felt justified in doing it (deluded), all because I hate myself. 

Time to figure out how to be ok with myself, so eventually, I can be ok with others.


----------



## TheGMan (Jun 10, 2004)

GnR said:


> Good post man. I identify with almost all of it.
> 
> I am getting a little tired of calling it SA though; it's low self-esteem for me, simple as that. You talk about the victim syndrome, and I don't want to tell myself I'm this way because of a "disorder", or anything else other than my own choices. I'm not saying it isn't real, just that for me, it almost seems like a form of avoidance and delusion to say that I'm a victim of a disorder. I've hurt (and rejected) many people, and felt justified in doing it (deluded), all because I hate myself.
> 
> Time to figure out how to be ok with myself, so eventually, I can be ok with others.


I know exactly what you mean. S.A. is real but it can also be used as a crutch/excuse. At least I know I've done it. I feel bad when I hurt people. I don't want to make excuses, but I know I have to deal with S.A. to correct that.


----------



## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

counterfeit self said:


> yes,yes,yes,yes x1000 yes. It's my defense mechanism, I push others away before they can have the chance to push me away. I've sabotaged so many potential relationships because of it. I relate to the "aggressor" part, I set myself up to be the victim even though its reverse, I delude myself.


Ya that's usually the way i deal with someone who fancies me - push em away so no one gets hurt. If i keep doing this i will end up alone for the rest of my life. So now i'm training myself to be less standoffish when someone shows interest.


----------



## carefree (Nov 16, 2008)

awesome post! definitely made me own up and re-evaluate things. very very wise post!!!


----------



## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Not specifically SA, but rather feelings of extreme insecurity and lack of trust. I find it hard to believe someone would want to be my friend or gf, and even if they did initially, I'm sure I'd be rejected once they got to know the "real" me. That's something I can't handle emotionally so I don't even risk it. Who knows how differently I would have turned out if I'd chosen to open myself up to people.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

That is a lot to take there, G :lol


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

TheGMan said:


> I was just responding to another topic, while also dealing with some personal issues and basically re-evaluating my whole life. I realized something about myself I've somehow avoided acknowledging. Perhaps it was easier to avoid the truth.
> 
> My entire life I have felt like a VICTIM of S.A. I have felt disliked, rejected, and wronged by those I love when I did manage to have relationships.
> 
> ...


I fear they will turn against me. That last paragraph is pretty spot on. In fact, if the attention is semi-blatant and innocent, I will blow it off or feel totally uncomfortable by it.


----------



## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

I think this is one of the most relatable posts I've read on this board in my time here. I can completely understand what you speak of because I do this a lot myself. As a result of SA I do often seem standoffish but there are also a decent amount of times when gals or even potential friends show interest & I'm either oblivious to it, don't know what to do with said interest, or caught up in my usual cycle of avoiding the potential to be rejected. My actions as a result are often what you say, me rejecting people who were initially willing/looking to give me a chance. For me this goes for all types of relationships, family, friends, or romantic. I have a very poor self esteem & terrified of letting others in to know me or help me know myself better. 

On the topic of rejection itself I also often blow a lot of things out of proportion. For example someone I know not finding something I find funny to be amusing for themselves. I can & often do misinterpret that as they don't like my humor therefore they don't like me which isn't likely to be true but as a result of that interpretation I then quickly fall back into the cycle of pushing people away. I think self belief is a huge part of this dilemma, being able to be ok with yourself with people even when not tip top


----------



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I claim I don't have SA, but I still reject people when they try to gt to know me. My whole work experience has been like that for the last 2 years! I used to blame other people by thinking they were too "immature" or "we just don't have a good vibe". The truth is, is that I was probably the one going around with the stuck-up attitude with disregard of the simple fact that it was I who judged a book by its cover.

There has been many things I've come to understand about myself over the years; however, this ONE thing of not feeling an "urge" to communicate within certain daily contexts still perplexes me. I know it isn't something complicated—these things usually aren't—but I suppose I'm simply confused about the subject and in need of some clarification. There is a part of me that understands I am capable and that I should just "get used to it" and start conversations with people (which I have), but there is another part of me that is just as sure of my position of being not interested. The two things have been battling in my head for years now, even while I've managed to come to terms with certain levels of self-confidence, etc.

I'm trying to take a new approach. I'm not going to fight what I feel anymore. This does not mean I am going to run from my fears like in my SA days, but rather this means I am going to wait for a certain "urge", pinpoint it and learn from that more. I'm not going to interrupt the process by forcing a connection by doing things I typically wouldn't do. Instead, I'm going to just be myself in every way possible and take mental notes of instances in which I feel sociable, mainly. I figure things usually happen naturally and I should learn from that. When I fight for something I tend to exhaust myself and get obsessed about it. This approach is much more doing the things I enjoy, EVEN if that means being UNSOCIABLE—this is going far beyond anything I've ever done. In other words, I'm going to enjoy my life the way I enjoy my life, and unless I feel a certain "urge" or "telling" I guess that I'm living my life the way I want to live it and in the moment. You see, just because I don't feel an urge to be sociable in this point in my life, I tend to feel urges to do other things like school or learn something new, etc. When you focus on the things you truly want to enjoy everything seems to come to you easier being that your attitude probably changes and so does you view of certain things. I don't know how else to describe it, but it is something I'm just testing as I go...

I find it interesting that when you let go of certain goals and kind of excuse yourself from achieving them you loosen up a bit and take in your surroundings a bit more (at least for me). After all, life is meant to be enjoyed. Without sounding pessimistic, maybe some of us aren't ready or will never be ready for certain things? This is not meant to say that we can't achieve them, but maybe we need to experience more first, and maybe we never get to that point, or maybe we simply don't want to? This isn't to say the things you have in life now can't be enjoyable though. I think if there is something I need to learn then I will try my best to learn from it, but I guess some things are better to let happen naturally. :stu


----------



## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

To be honest, this just happened to me a week ago. There was a mutual liking between me and a girl, and in the end she lost interest because I wasn't affectionate enough. I can't become close and I can't "open" up even though I was trying really hard. She ended up taking a liking to someone else, because she didn't "know me" as well as she knew him. Despite her being the first person I ever personally told of my anxiety and depression...I wasn't sure whether to be angry with myself or her on that matter to be honest. She didn't see how hard I was trying, and how confused and upset I was over the whole thing. Well, at the time. I've mended pretty well over the past few days to be honest.

I saw it as a learning experience. Now I understand the phrase: "You can't love others until you love yourself". 

Vulnerability is a very, very scary thing to me.


----------



## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

joinmartin said:


> "To be honest, this just happened to me a week ago. There was a mutual liking between me and a girl, and in the end she lost interest because I wasn't affectionate enough. I can't become close and I can't "open" up even though I was trying really hard. She ended up taking a liking to someone else, because she didn't "know me" as well as she knew him. Despite her being the first person I ever personally told of my anxiety and depression...I wasn't sure whether to be angry with myself or her on that matter to be honest. She didn't see how hard I was trying, and how confused and upset I was over the whole thing. Well, at the time. I've mended pretty well over the past few days to be honest."
> 
> Just a second here. How do you know she lost interest because you weren't affectionate enough? Were you inside her mind? How do you know she lost interest? How do you know it was because of something you did?
> 
> ...


She actually said to me "I need affection in a more obvious way" She took a liking to a guy because he was more affectionate towards her. She ACTUALLY told me that she wanted to look else where because I was withdrawn. To be fair, she admitted to me that she was a complete attention *****, so I wasn't entirely to blame. I shouldn't beat myself up too much I guess.

As for me not being able to get close or open up, whenever I talk about personal issues and stuff, I start to shake and stutter. Maybe I can do it but it's very hard and sometimes I'm not sure whether it's worth the hassle. Although, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what being "close" is in a sense. Maybe someone could fill me in.


----------



## sash (Nov 16, 2009)

No, I'm usually the one at the other end. I open up myself to others and I receive rejection and hurt many times. I love interaction with people...its just that in groups I struggle to make myself heard and I become self conscious (that's where my SA kicks in). Otherwise, I love it when someone says hi or acknowledges me. It makes me feel like...wow, that person is friendly and it makes me open up more. If someone takes the time to initiate conversation with me, I will not let them down. I will also not hide from someone I knew if I saw them in the store (guess, I'm different in this way).


----------



## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

I have. I rejected hang outs and dates even.


----------



## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

Great post. Making me think about some things I need to think about. You truly do need to love and accept yourself before you can have meaningful relationships.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

sash said:


> No, I'm usually the one at the other end. I open up myself to others and I receive rejection and hurt many times. I love interaction with people...its just that in groups I struggle to make myself heard and I become self conscious (that's where my SA kicks in). Otherwise, I love it when someone says hi or acknowledges me. It makes me feel like...wow, that person is friendly and it makes me open up more. If someone takes the time to initiate conversation with me, I will not let them down. I will also not hide from someone I knew if I saw them in the store (guess, I'm different in this way).


Ditto. I've never rejected someone because of SA. If I like someone, I would respond, or even take the initiative, but I've never rejected someone I like (save once, but that was more of a "sticking to my guns" thing that resulted indirectly from previous rejections, and not SA).


----------



## TheGMan (Jun 10, 2004)

STKinTHEmud said:


> Ditto. I've never rejected someone because of SA. If I like someone, I would respond, or even take the initiative, but I've never rejected someone I like (save once, but that was more of a "sticking to my guns" thing that resulted indirectly from previous rejections, and not SA).


I always thought the same thing until I really thought about it. Of course, I'm not saying all of us would have this in common- just that some of us might and not realize it.


----------



## Ysonesse (Dec 25, 2009)

My SA would be the primary reason for me rejecting someone NOW. But it was also the same reason that forced me not to reject someone when I was younger.


----------



## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't reject them, but I won't make very much interest in girls and even just friendships if I feel way inferior to them.


----------



## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

Yes I have, & it is horrible, I have had guys ask me out and I have rejected them because I was afraid of being alone with them & trying to find something to talk about without sounding stupid.


----------



## ScarletMacaw99 (May 5, 2010)

If I feel like someone will like me less after hanging out with me, then yes, I'll probably turn down invitations.

But *anyone* could talk to me if they clearly convinced me that they are non-judgmental.


----------



## kellys13 (Oct 10, 2010)

wow i see this post was from earlier this year, but it was a great read. i just joined this site & am so glad i'm not alone. i've been feeling like an idiot for rejecting so many potential friends & dates. :/


----------



## neeko (Aug 9, 2010)

This has been a good read. Mainly because it clearly demonstrates that even though there is that possibility of rejection, it could be the case that maybe the person really did have an interest but they were just scared.

When I read the first post by Gman, I was thinking, Wow, I could have written that. I did write this whaatt! Not seriously but you know it is really close to what I have experienced before. Made me wonder if this is something that everyone goes through, not just those who think they have SA, maybe this is just a human condition, but it's just worse or the people with SA haven't put enough effort or its been too tough for them, etc..


----------



## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

I like interacting with people, but usually when someone tries to get too close, i get very distant, and i draw down the personal barriers, it's my defence mechanism


----------



## introvert33 (Jun 23, 2010)

I'm glad you came to this insight, and shared it with us. Its so much better than a poor me attitude. Sure we have troubles with people and relationships, but its not just due to our difference and lack of understanding by others.

I definitely relate, I'm clueless unless its blatant and then I just think their not genuine.


----------



## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

This is really pertinent to my specific situation right now! I went on two dates with a cool guy, but at the end of the second date I told him I just wanted to be friends. After that I felt really guilty about my decision, and when a couple people asked why I did I realized I didn't really have a good answer for why I rejected him. I realized I was just scared of the idea of a relationship.

I kind of told him this and he was surprisingly really understanding, which helped- so I'm trying again with him now. 

It's hard to accept the responsibility that comes with what some could call a potentially dependent relationship, but for the sake of progress I'm going to try and do it...


----------



## mrbojangles (Oct 8, 2009)

YES, all the time. I can feel rejection coming from a mile away, so I figure that if they're going to reject me sometime down the line anyway, I might as well reject them before they reject me. I've made the mistake of trying to get close to others too many times, I think I've learned my lesson.


----------



## Mayonaka (Oct 11, 2010)

I'm the same way. My roommate is trying to get me to hang out with one of her friends at work who I just commented and said was cute. I'm terrified. I don't actually want to meet him. I just thought he was cute. So that happens a lot. I'm trying an online site and Even then the thought of meeting up with people on there terrifies me too.


----------



## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

Not really. People don't really talk to me so I don't get chances to reject them.


----------



## StevenGlansberg (Apr 1, 2009)

I relate to a lot of what you said in your post, and the most disheartening part of it to me is that we or I reject people without even realizing it. If I can't recognize normal social cues now or if I can't understand that what I think I'm doing might convey a different message to others now, I don't think I'll ever be able to.


----------



## SkateDVS96 (Sep 30, 2010)

i can relate to this topic in so many ways, i hate being misunderstood all the time


----------



## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Definitely do as well. Mainly with relationships I find that I tend to reject opportunities without even giving them a go based on the irrational fears I have about them before they even become anything to begin with.

Hypocritical of me since one of my main fears IS rejection, lol.


----------



## Lateralus (Oct 28, 2007)

Ospi said:


> Definitely do as well. Mainly with relationships I find that I tend to reject opportunities without even giving them a go based on the irrational fears I have about them before they even become anything to begin with.
> 
> Hypocritical of me since one of my main fears IS rejection, lol.


I'm in the same boat (and I must say I am not a fan of this boat).


----------

