# Would you lie to a potential partner about never being in relationship before?



## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

So I've been thinking about this recently, say if a miracle was to occur and i met someone who was a potential partner for me, what would i say about never being in a relationship before? As I'm 30 years old and never had a girlfriend, so if i told a potential gf about this im guessing she would be pretty freaked out as its a fairly strange situation to be in. So I'm guessing i would have to lie and say ive had relationships before if i dont want them running a mile from me and thinking im some kind of freak.

I hate lying but i guess it would need to be done in this situation, right?

What would you do?


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

I wouldn't want someone to lie to me and I would never lie to anyone else. The last man I dated was 47 and had never been in a real relationship before (only friendships with no intimacy). It did not bother me in the least. It made me feel great that he felt he could trust me and wanted to date me and share experiences with me.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

caflme said:


> It made me feel great that he felt he could trust me and wanted to date me and share experiences with me.


This is exactly how I'd feel if I found out a potential partner had never been in a romantic relationship before.

Don't lie about it. Relationships built on lies can get pretty stressful.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I would never lie about never having dated at my age. However, I'd only reveal it to someone I trusted and certainly not on a first date or anything; that's a sure way to get a woman running for the hills. If the conversation got around to past relationships, I'd just try and change the topic or say I wasn't comfortable talking about it. Something like that isn't their business until I feel it's something I want to tell them. Even so, I'd still be scared about the reaction because it is very odd.


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## drealm (Jul 7, 2009)

It depends how good at lying you are and if you can live with the guilt. I suck at both, so I always confess.

Here's no lie:

All normal women whom don't suffer from mental disorders and thus don't have lowered expectations and standards will shrug you off.


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

this is something i've often wondered myself. i agree with some of the others. i would have to get to know and trust the person enough to tell them. most would not understand and it is an embarrassing topic. definitely not something that i would be open about right away. just avoid the conversation instead of lying. if someone finds out u lied later on, it can lead to trust issues.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

wtf would be the point? Even if it lead to a long-term relationship they would end up finding out you lied at some point, either through you or someone else.


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## sansd (Mar 22, 2006)

Of course not.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

drealm said:


> It depends how good at lying you are and if you can live with the guilt. I suck at both, so I always confess.
> 
> Here's no lie:
> 
> All normal women whom don't suffer from mental disorders and thus don't have lowered expectations and standards will shrug you off.


I disagree. Why would it put someone off? Particularly if she had already got to know you a bit and she liked you. My tuppence worth: don't volunteer the information too early on, but don't lie either.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Me no lie. Me not like lies. Me think lies hurt feelings. Me feel if me was to lie and then become close, me would eventually tell pretty woman at point in time. Me not good at not telling truth. Meh.

**Edittt
Me went to pretty date's cave one time and me told pretty woman me never been in long relationshps before. Woman was suprised but me noticed me felt good and me did not care because me thought if woman did not understand than she not "wit it". True story.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

^you tell nice story.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

me know, but thank you anyways:b


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## TRENNER (Sep 21, 2009)

I would absolutely not lie but would take my time in mentioning the fact. If a prospective partner has time to bond with you and to see you as nice and normal enough, he/she will be much less likely to run away upon getting the news. When people do run away from discovering something like this, they typically _do not_ know the other person too well.


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## drealm (Jul 7, 2009)

Madison_Rose said:


> I disagree. Why would it put someone off? Particularly if she had already got to know you a bit and she liked you. My tuppence worth: don't volunteer the information too early on, but don't lie either.


Because normal people are ridiculously selective and have other options.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

No,I wouldn't.I he'd ask me about it I would tell the truth or if he didn't I would probably wait until we were a little bit more close.

My current bf haden't been in a relationship before he met me and he was 30 and I don't mind.Why would I?And I don't belive it's because I have a mental disorder or something,not all women are superficial *****es you know 

By the way if someone that was a potential bf/gf and who knew that you had social anxiety,I think they could understand why you haven't been in a relationship..


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

If the subject came up in the early dating phase, Yes I would almost certainly lie about it. But once it progresses into a solid relationship with feelings, then I'd come clean about it.

I know it's not good to lie but I think any logical person would understand why we'd lie about something like this.


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

I hope not, but I surprise myself sometimes. 

I'd rather just not bring it up at all.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

bwidger85 said:


> Me no lie. Me not like lies. Me think lies hurt feelings. Me feel if me was to lie and then become close, me would eventually tell pretty woman at point in time. Me not good at not telling truth. Meh.
> 
> **Edittt
> Me went to pretty date's cave one time and me told pretty woman me never been in long relationshps before. Woman was suprised but me noticed me felt good and me did not care because me thought if woman did not understand than she not "wit it". True story.


rofl!


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

Sure, but I have a feeling all those skeletons rattling in the closet being carried by the monkey on my back might give me away. I say, *might*.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

So I see most of you guys say 'no' you wouldnt lie but obviously you guys are a lot more understanding and sympathetic to this situation, people without SA aint so understanding and sypmathetic ime.

Also I see some of you say avoid the subject, but thats pretty hard when someone just flat out asks you when your last relationship was. How can you avoid the subject when your put on the spot like that?


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

IcedOver said:


> I would never lie about never having dated at my age. However, I'd only reveal it to someone I trusted and certainly not on a first date or anything; that's a sure way to get a woman running for the hills. If the conversation got around to past relationships, I'd just try and change the topic or say I wasn't comfortable talking about it. Something like that isn't their business until I feel it's something I want to tell them. Even so, I'd still be scared about the reaction because it is very odd.


I mostly agree with this post.

Another reason I might hold back is, supposed 5 years from now, I am dating another woman, for some reason she meets the girl whom I currently dating and that girl says: "*me .. no I wasn't dating Vincymon, I wasn't his girlfriend- he must have got the wrong impression*"

Imagine how that would come across ?

Women sometimes have a very strange and specific definition of relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if 6 months form now my gf says that we weren't dating we were just 'h_anging out_' .... it wouldn't be the first time.


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## herb the dolphin (Mar 26, 2010)

I don't know what you'd expect to get out of a relationship that starts off with you lying about who you are and what your life has been like. They're going to find out eventually, so you might as well come out with it.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

If I was in this situation I probably wouldn't lie about it. I'm pretty awful at lying and I'd die of guilt eventually so it's better for me to be honest.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

nemesis1 said:


> Also I see some of you say avoid the subject, but thats pretty hard when someone just flat out asks you when your last relationship was. How can you avoid the subject when your put on the spot like that?


Her: So, what was your last relationship like?
Him: Well, actually I'm pretty inexperienced, relationship-wise. How about you?

The trick here is to be _absolutely fascinated_ by anything she tells you about herself - with a bit of luck she'll enjoy talking about herself and be so flattered that she won't pursue your relative inexperience. If she does pursue the subject in spite of you not wanting to discuss it, she's being a little rude, and you're justified in saying "let's keep it light and carefree tonight - we can talk about the heavier, more personal stuff when we get to know each other a little better. "

Or you could answer the question with a joking "Well, I'm very picky - not many people come up to my high standards!" This implies your relative inexperience, but, more importantly, pays her an implied compliment. It doesn't matter if it's not true, because you say it jokingly - raised eyebrow, cheeky smile, etc. 
Say, for the sake of argument, that your date looks like this:








You then go on to say, "I mean, I want someone who's gorgeous, witty, smart, has brown hair, green eyes, a nose ring..." Again, this is piling on the flattery pretty thick, but it should make her giggle and distract from your dating history.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

I'm terrible at lying about big things like that. I mean how can you pretend you had a relationship you never had? That would cause extreme stress if they start probing for details. I'd probably just avoid talking about it, and hope they get that I don't wan't to talk about it. 

If they ask directly though, it's best to say the truth, although you may want to soften it like "i've never been in a serious relationship'' rather than ''I've never been in a relationship''. Although that's kind of misleading...so maybe not.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

When I first started dating my ex he would talk about every girl he had gone to school with, every girl in his neighborhood, every girl he'd worked with and met... looking back, now, I realize that by flooding me with that much 'girl' info he was trying to keep me from asking about his 'dating history'. When he finally admitted that I was the first girl he had ever dated seriously - I was stunned and in awe of him. I couldn't have cared less and was just glad he was with me. I was actually relieved because I knew I had no competition and that there was no girl in his memories that I was being compared to - odd I still fell short of what he needed (ouch)... but still... he never stopped doing that thing about talking about all the girls he had gone to school with/ met/known/grown up around and it got to be harder and harder to hear about.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

That in particular would be a difficult lie to keep up. A lot of times you can just tell that that was someone's first kiss or first time. Even if you weren't outright found out, you'd still have to deal with casual questions about your past. It's a bad lie to tell.

I've been in a relationship before, but my advice to someone who hadn't would be to dodge the question until you're ready to be honest.


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

nemesis1 said:


> Also I see some of you say avoid the subject, but thats pretty hard when someone just flat out asks you when your last relationship was. How can you avoid the subject when your put on the spot like that?


it's not hard because if someone did that to me, i'd explain to them that i do not want to discuss my past with them nor do i care to hear there's. tell them to talk about something else, almost brush it off as if your past caused u too much pain and u don't want to bring back memories (without directly saying that). many people don't like talking about their past if it caused them heartbreak. how do they know why u don't want to discuss it?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

lonelygirl88 said:


> it's not hard because if someone did that to me, i'd explain to them that i do not want to discuss my past with them nor do i care to hear there's. tell them to talk about something else, almost brush it off as if your past caused u too much pain and u don't want to bring back memories (without directly saying that). many people don't like talking about their past if it caused them heartbreak. how do they know why u don't want to discuss it?


This is actually good advice, and one that's been given to me before. Basically say, "I don't talk about past relationships", and leave it at that.

As far as if she pursued the subject...well, I'd probably get a little annoyed. I don't think it's a big deal that I've never been in a relationship before...I mean, what's the big deal? Does it somehow make me lesser than someone who's dated 20 girls by my age? :roll

If it really came down to it, I'd lie.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Generally avoiding talking about past relationships sounds good to me. Either finesse around it as some have suggested, or simply state that you're not interested in talking about past relationships, as Winter'sTale suggested.

You may lose a great opportunity to hear about her past relationships, though. And by great I mean the way it's great to step up on an aluminum ladder during a lightning storm.


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## Hank Scorpio (Oct 28, 2008)

Madison_Rose said:


> I disagree. Why would it put someone off? Particularly if she had already got to know you a bit and she liked you. My tuppence worth: don't volunteer the information too early on, but don't lie either.


She'll be wondering "What's wrong with him that nobody's wanted him until now?"


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## Steve123 (Sep 13, 2009)

No, I figure my clumsiness would make it way too obvious anyway.


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## metallica2147 (Feb 15, 2010)

I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't say anything until she asked. That is, if I ever do get in a relationship anyway.


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## creep (Jan 29, 2009)

To what extent is it actually their business anyway? Unless there's something in your past that's going to affect them, like an STD, a series of illegitimate children or the crazy ex- who's got a few issues to settle just as soon as they complete their 'time-served', you're under no obligation tell them, unless you just really want to for some reason. The past is the past. Most people I would think, prefer to hope the current relationship is the really important one to the one they're with, most talk of past relationships, what you've done or not done, unless its strictly anecdotal, tends to be a bit unflattering anyway and risk suggesting some kind of weird hang up. Best to dodge the subject for the most part.

Talking about something else or telling them you aren't really interested in discussing it should usually work. If they persist in knowing, I think I'd be less willing to answer, even if my level of experience was something to boast about, as my basic assumption would be they're looking for something to draw a value judgment from and its just not the kind of thing I care about being judged for.


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## kosherpiggy (Apr 7, 2010)

I don't think I could. I'm a good liar, but I wouldn't lie about something very big. Honesty is the number one thing that is the most important thing in a relationship.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

"What? You mean that you've never been in a a relationship? *What else have you lied about?*"

You just lost any trust you had.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

The only way I think is to preempt it. Volunteer the info before she asks. It would go down alot smoother if it came directly from you as opposed to responding to a question.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Its all very valiant being open and honest, but like Hank Scorpio said, they will be wondering what the hell is wrong with you that youve never been in a relationship before. heres a scenario;

nemesis meet girl who he really likes
girl asks nemesis about previous relationships
nemesis likes girl so much he decides to be honest and tell het the truth
girl gets weirded out and ditches nemesis as she has other options
nemesis gets depressed and goes back to his miserable, lonely life, wishing he lied.

I've been on several dates over the last few years with girls from the internet (none of which went anywere btw) and pretty much all of them were asking "when was your last relationship?", "how long have you been single?" "how long have your relationships been?"....etc

its gonna be pretty difficult to avoid the issue forever, and by never being in a relationship before ive already set-up myself up for failure, and theres nothing i can do about that. I cant go back in time.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Avoiding the question and acting ashamed makes it look like you have some sort of complex about it -- it turns it into a problem. Shrug it off or treat it like an amusing anecdote. If she still reacts badly, that shows she has a problem and you're better off avoiding someone that shallow and judgmental.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Madison_Rose said:


> Her: So, what was your last relationship like?
> Him: Well, actually I'm pretty inexperienced, relationship-wise. How about you?
> 
> The trick here is to be _absolutely fascinated_ by anything she tells you about herself - with a bit of luck she'll enjoy talking about herself and be so flattered that she won't pursue your relative inexperience. If she does pursue the subject in spite of you not wanting to discuss it, she's being a little rude, and you're justified in saying "let's keep it light and carefree tonight - we can talk about the heavier, more personal stuff when we get to know each other a little better. "
> ...


Awesome advice! Very smooth. Thanks!


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Hoth said:


> Avoiding the question and acting ashamed makes it look like you have some sort of complex about it -- it turns it into a problem. Shrug it off or treat it like an amusing anecdote. If she still reacts badly, that shows she has a problem and you're better off avoiding someone that shallow and judgmental.


+1


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## brettdavis4 (Mar 29, 2010)

drealm said:


> It depends how good at lying you are and if you can live with the guilt. I suck at both, so I always confess.
> 
> Here's no lie:
> 
> All normal women whom don't suffer from mental disorders and thus don't have lowered expectations and standards will shrug you off.


i think drealm is right to a certain point.

But, I had an epiphany about single women that have super high standards. They are single and will probably remain single for a very long time because they are wanting someone perfect and there is no one that is perfect.

The next time that comes up, I might try to change the topic or exagerate and say I've had relationships that have lasted a few months. Maybe at a later point, I could tell her the truth.


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

Not lie per se, but at this rate, I would disguise it, or soften the news (quite) a bit. Better way would be to dodge it completely, until the relationship further progressed, as people have pointed out here...

The stigma attached to never being in a relationship before is too great. Sure there are those who would not care about such things, and perhaps even be flattered by it, but those are few and far.


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## djr86 (Jul 23, 2009)

I know it sounds preachy, but honesty is best in relationships. I am 23 and have learned that a true relationship is one where each partner accepts and embraces one another--flaws and vulnerabilities included. In a relationship, you will want to eventually be able to expose your soul to that person, so you should not be embarassed to reveal something (that by the way is probably not as bad as you may perceive it to be). Let your life be about the future, not lying about your past--I know it's easier said than done, but I hope I was able to help.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

"joinmartin"--You make some valid points but I disagree with you that dating is not a job interview. It is. I could point out which gender for whom it is more of a job interview but this forum frowns on telling truths about one gender.


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## blair (Feb 1, 2010)

It would come out eventually, so I don't see the point of lying about it. My inexperience with..everything..would make it all pretty obvious anyway.


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## haikupoet (Feb 9, 2010)

leonardess said:


> Sure, but I have a feeling all those skeletons rattling in the closet being carried by the monkey on my back might give me away. I say, *might*.


Simply poetic. Can I steal it?


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## haikupoet (Feb 9, 2010)

I do not volunteer negative information that I feel is unnecessary to reveal, but I tell the truth if asked a direct question.

Some people consider this a crime of omission. I can understand that if I had been married and divorced and omitted it, maybe, but even there I think unless it affects the health and safety of the other person, they can find out when I have more than a casual relationship going.


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## Forwhatiamworth (Mar 3, 2013)

I would say don't even bring it up until they ask. The past is the past for a reason. But if she asks, tell her the truth. I don't see never being a relationship as a valid excuse to turn someone down or break up with them


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## NoHeart (May 5, 2012)

Honesty is very important, in any kind of relationship I think. But that's just me.


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## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

bwidger85 said:


> Me no lie. Me not like lies. Me think lies hurt feelings. Me feel if me was to lie and then become close, me would eventually tell pretty woman at point in time. Me not good at not telling truth. Meh.
> 
> **Edittt
> Me went to pretty date's cave one time and me told pretty woman me never been in long relationshps before. Woman was suprised but me noticed me felt good and me did not care because me thought if woman did not understand than she not "wit it". True story.


jar jar... is that you?


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## Soilwork (May 14, 2012)

NoHeart said:


> Honesty is very important, in any kind of relationship I think. But that's just me.


True, and I wouldn't lie if asked, but I would do my best not to bring the subject up either.


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## Fenren (Sep 20, 2009)

I'm definitely going to start lying more initially, being honest about your lack of inexperience [especially if you're over 30] is a seriously bad idea if you don't want to remain single.

If you're a woman then it's regarded more as "a healthy choice" if she's never been in a relationship and once she's open and ready for one, she'll say yes to the next decent guy that approaches her.

Being a guy though with no previous relationship experience is a major red flag from the get go!
Here's what some women said when I asked if me being inexperienced matters:

"I would be wondering if a man had no relationship experience, how close he is to his mother and if the umbilical cord was ever cut?
I would be asking a lot of questions as to the relationship with momma. For me, red flags would be zipping up.
mental health, etc... not to be rude, just being honest.. would be something of dire 
issue for me as to how this can be. I would be very wary of the situation."

I would think you were most likely emotionally unavailable and I would not date them.

Obviously you have some issues you might need help with--maybe try therapy.

The acceptable reason (to me) for any man not having an LTR by a certain age is because he's never dated, and that's possible if you're a terribly shy recluse or an agoraphobic. I don't particularly consider them date-worthy since they lack self-confidence.

You might want to start off small--make some new friends, take a class of interest, do meetup groups, and warm up socially, to take further steps. <--- Actually quite good advice!

If I were you, I'd lie.

Me - "but I like being honest."

More than you like being dateless?


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## Green Eyes (Sep 6, 2009)

I rather don't want to lie, but if someone would ask I would lie a little about it. I think I would say that I never had something serious. At 23 a lot of people think it's a bit strange if you never had a boyfriend or kissed. I wouldn't lie about still being a virgin.


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## WannabeDifferent (Feb 22, 2013)

Madison_Rose said:


> Her: So, what was your last relationship like?
> Him: Well, actually I'm pretty inexperienced, relationship-wise. How about you?
> 
> The trick here is to be _absolutely fascinated_ by anything she tells you about herself - with a bit of luck she'll enjoy talking about herself and be so flattered that she won't pursue your relative inexperience. If she does pursue the subject in spite of you not wanting to discuss it, she's being a little rude, and you're justified in saying "let's keep it light and carefree tonight - we can talk about the heavier, more personal stuff when we get to know each other a little better. "
> ...


My god!!!! This is perfect!!!


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

depends


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