# Getting over that telephobia



## ~Jessie~

I have many goals that I'd like to achieve and I feel if I write them all down, I automatically will feel overwhelmed with it. So I'm just going to tackle one goal at a time. 

I was very hesitant to post this because I am really worried I will not follow through with what I say and of course others will think badly of me for not following through. What an irrational fear can do to you if you allow it to take over your thinking. 

So I've had a fear of using the wonderful invention, the phone, for such a very long time. I don't really know why it has become such an issue for me but it is one of the few things that is stopping me from moving forward in my life. I'll list all my fears relating to the phone and then my goals for overcoming it little by little.

*Fears - Answering the Phone:*
I will talk to a stranger.
I will talk to the wrong person.
I will be yelled at on the phone.
I will not know what to say back to them.
I will not remember what was said.
I will not be able to end the conversation, gracefully.
I will mispronounce something while speaking.

*Making the Call:*
I will dial the wrong number.
I will talk to the wrong person.
They will hang up on me.
I will not know what to ask them.

*Phone Related Issues:*
Feel pressure to keep conversation interesting.
I don't feel like I can multitask while talking on the phone.
I don't feel comfortable leaving messeges.
I don't like using the phone when other people are nearby.

However some of my fears are because I am not very skilled with using the phones in general. From not having to use one for over 10 years, I am not familiar with all the buttons on the wireless phones, including my cellphone. I'm afraid I'll press the wrong thing and it may call a random person. I guess talking to someone I don't know skyrockets my anxiety more than keeping a conversation going and using the phone. I don't know who the person so I don't know HOW to talk to them and therefore find myself trapped in an awkward conversation on the phone with them. And i'm sure there is more fears I have but those ones are what I can think of at the moment. 

My goals towards overcoming this fear is going to be very slow. My mom recently told me something that made me want to get over this fear and gave me a little exposure therapy of it yesterday in the morning. She wanted me to have a conversation with her on the phone while in the same room. Seemed really silly to do but it actually helped me a bit. She said when I feel anxious that I can say this phrase _"The phone is my friend"_. Again, sounds really silly but it helps me. 

So what I'm going to do is for now. I'll do the following off and on for a few weeks. 
1. Talk to my mom on the phone several times a week
2. I will not 'hide' and be quiet and freeze up when the phone rings in my home. If I'm feeling brave enough, I'll just hand the phone to the nearest person instead. 
(Normally I will shy away and be silent so someone else has to reach it and answer it, no matter how inconvenient it may be for them.)

And that is all I will be tackling for now. I want to take this slow and I want to make sure I defeat this fear once and for all. I believe if I overcame this it would be 40-50% of my SA gone. A lot of it has to do with using the phone and i'm at a stand still in my overall progress because of it. I have so many things I want to do and I don't feel I can since it all leads back to the phone.

I'm not sure how often I will post my progress but I will be posting updates about it as much as I can. I am not on any meds or anything, this is just pure me tackling this fear. I am tired of waiting to see another therapist. It is time to take matters into my own hands. 

There is no time limit to this either. I am trying not to do anything that would scream "overwhelming and pressuring" to me right now.


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## Chri588

I know exactly how you feel. I hate using phones. I think my biggest fear is not knowing what to say, or saying the wrong thing. If I really have to make a call, I will go over the conversation again and again in my head, trying to cover everything that could be said. I put off having to make the call for hours on end, I hate it. 

Good luck with your goals, hope you manage to beat this fear, and I think that taking it slow is a good idea. Don't want to try and tackle too much at once.


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## ~Jessie~

Making the call for me never happens because of those same fears. Once in a blue moon I will answer the phone without hesitation but I can't always wait for that "blue moon" moment haha

It also doesn't help that I don't have very many people I can call for 'exposure' therapy anymore. I am going to just take baby steps up the ladder to tackle the fear. 

A safety behaviour that I do is sometimes I will wait til the answering machine gets it and if its my brother or my mom, they usually will say "Hey, its me, pick up the phone" so I do and have a brief conversation. But even for family, it is still nerve-wracking because I am just not use to talking on the phone very much. 

I just thought of how I sometimes sound angry when speaking to someone on the phone but it is just because I am super nervous about it. I don't want to give off that impression of being negative towards anyone at all.


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## millenniumman75

I am getting better at this - no one has ever yelled at me. I'd yell right back at them!


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## Miss Meggie

That's a great list of fears and you seem to have some good exposures planned! In my experience, having a good understanding of your fears and a set list of exposures really helps get over the fear.
I understand completely your fear of the telephone. I was 17 before I made my first phone call. And, like you, it was to my mother. It wasn't really until the last few months that I've felt more comfortable making phone calls. I still get anxious calling places like my doctor's office and stuff, but that anxiety is going away too.
So I wish you luck. Please post as you go along!


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## pita

I think you can definitely lessen your fear of phones. I've made significant improvements, myself. Good luck with your goals.


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## Jessie203

Nice job Jessie. You seem very mature and practical with approaching this.
I'm very sure you will soon be a chatterbox on the phone!!! =)


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## Pr0n

I don't have much problems answering the phone, but calling is just traumatic. I don't know why, but I hate making phone calls. I feel childish when I have to make someone else make callings for me.


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## ~Jessie~

Aww thank you everyone. I have been avoiding it right now for the time being because I have a wedding to stress over instead lol.

I suppose my fear stems a bit from how I've seen my family handle it, they had some arguments over the phone in the past and so I worry that one of them will do the same with me. Also it didn't help that when my grandparents were still around(all have passed now), my dad's mom wouldn't ever say bye at all. She would talk to you on the phone and when conversation ended, she'd hang up on you lol. It kind of confused me since a few times I wanted to say something else and I would hear a click on the other end :lol

I didn't include the bad effects it has on me but as a result of this fear. I can't make appointments for anything or call to cancel if I need to, get a job and dating(not that it is on my top priority list at all right now) and just anyone who wants to talk to me on the phone. 

I may ask my mom to do a little bit of exposure later if there is time or tomorrow. For now I am keeping my cellphone with me as usually I shove it off somewhere across the room to avoid anyone who calls me instead of texting which doesn't happen that often, thankfully. It was my sister's phone before so some of her friends forget and call her on it instead of on her new one. Would be nice to get another cellphone but don't have the funds for it *sigh*


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## danberado

Yeah, I have this phobia too and was thinking of starting my own goal thread about it, but having noticed this, I think I'll just leech off yours instead! I've been putting off 3 or 4 important phone calls for a few months now. I was also going to call a job resource program today, but couldn't build up the nerve.

My current goal is to make all of these calls by the end of the week.


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## strawberryjulius

Keep up the good work. 

I think I've conquered my fear of calling people for the most part but I'm still scared of answering.


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## danberado

I just had a phone call _about_ my anxiety and now I'm going to be feeling weird and uncomfortable about it all day. What a nightmare.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin

A good trick is to smile when you answer the phone, it will come across in the communication and get things off on a good start. Some people are just miserable though, unwavering positivity winds them up no end.


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## Hello22

I used to have this problem a long time ago - i just couldnt pick up the phone. I found the more exposure i got from answering calls, the less anxious i would get making/ answering calls in the long run.


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## danberado

For me answering isn't the same at all, because the onus is on the caller to get to the point.


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## Keith

I used to have a really bad phone phobia but i manged to mostly overcome it i still hate leaving messages and sometimes calling to order food but i do it. Sometimes i still won't answer my phone but overall I've gotten a lot better with practice. My last job really desensitized me with phones i had to answer the phone there and talk to strangers which was so tough at first, i felt super anxious every time the phone rang and sometimes i would just let it ring and let a a co-worker pick it up but with practice i became alot more comfortable with it.

I just want to wish you luck and i just wanted to share so that you can see that it is possible to make improvements with practice.Keep working at it and you will get alot better!


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## Glacial

I don't really have telephonobia anymore, but I used to. I remember sometimes I would start to dial a phone number 15 times and hang up midway each time. There have even been times when I dialed the entire number and hung up real quick after the person answered because I got too scared...I think it was when I was calling about a job of all things! That was about three years ago.


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## Jendayi

I've had a phone phobia since 2006 and I believe I know exactly where it stems from. Shortly after my ex and I broke up, his dad called me with some extremely upsetting news. The relationship, itself, had already been pretty psychologically traumatizing but what his dad told me on that day sent me close to the edge of a breakdown. I thought the tears would never stop but somehow they did and I went back to work( I was home on my lunchbreak at the time). Well...my work involved being on the phones and in the middle of a call, the tears came back. I had to leave work and called in for the next two days. And now, four years later, any phone interaction triggers the memories of that day. I hardly ever answer the phone or return calls unless its my family.


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## Girl_Loner

I used to have all the same symptoms as you Jessie,
phone calls were terrifying.I just wouldnt do it. On the rare occasion
I would but it was only because the alternitive was worse. 
Being made to order food knowing that If I didnt I would get yelled at.
I would do crazy things like get changed into 'good' clothes brush my hair,
brush my teeth wait till other people were out of the room. As I was scared they would hear what I said and think I was stupid or they would distract me while I was on the phone and I would mess it up.

I can call anyone now, I do still have slight hesitation but only for a minute. 

My family all knew to do a certain 'ring' twice/hang up then call again
and I would answer. Amazing they didnt realise that this was NOT typical behaviour.

But I was challenged through therapy to make my next appointment myself, and not to get someone to call for me. Over time this helped a great deal and I slowly grew more comfortable calling and answering the phone.

I think your on a great track, and your right give yourself time.

You can do it.

x


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## knitknack

*always been that way*

I have always had an issue with the phone. I thought it was just me for the longest time. I was looking online and found out that it's an actual fear. I get a lot of friends tell me they don't like to make phone calls but I don't think they understand the extent of this fear.

My anxiety rises just thinking of making or answer the phone. As the phone rings I plan what I'm going to say when someone answers. I want to listen to what they say when they answer to make sure I've called the right place. What if I called the wrong number, what if it's a different business/office now? Someone answers and I they mumble so I don't really know what they've said, my anxiety goes up. I start to speak and stumble over my words and the person doesn't hear my so I have to repeat myself. I don't know what to say, I say the wrong thing, I called the wrong department, I don't know the answer. The person is mean, making me feel stupid. When the call is over, I cry, all the emotions are able to be released and the worst part is, I have to call somewhere else.

I'm lucky to have my husband who usually makes all my phone calls for me. He hates doing it and always says the wrong thing but at least I don't have to always do it. I try and put everything in his name or else they'll ask for me to be put on the phone. I email when I can even when someone says to call them. I try and text but feel bad if they don't have unlimited texting.

I avoid jobs that require I use the phone and I have in the past kept working as the phone rang, waiting for someone else to answer it.

My recent issue: I want to see a therapist about my anxiety but I have to call and make the appointment. I've already called a couple places, one isn't accepting new patients (cried after that call) and the other transferred me twice to an answer machine where I relunctantly left a message after 3 tries.


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## ~Jessie~

Oh, I hope all of you are working on overcoming it are doing well. I give good luck to you all 

I haven't made an update about this for a long time but I figured I would post to say something anyway. I have a lot going on with me, healthwise. So I've had to see my doctor and other doctors a lot lately and that means I've had to get phone calls from all the places and make appointments. Well.. I haven't really made much progress with it or really done any exposures either and feel horrible. 

However after recieving bad news about what I have to deal with, have a parasite in me and taking pills for it isn't easy for me. I have a fear of choking so been hard on myself about it. Why this ties into the phone goal is that the second something I have, my doctor thought he was doing something nice for me by not making me make another appointment to see him. He told me over the phone instead. Explained to me I have some form of arthritis, go me NOT! As I was making small responses, my voice squeaked a bit(almost found it funny enough to laugh but never did out of nervousness). He asked how I was and for some strange reason I was calm enough to say "I just have anxiety when using the phone" and so he kept the conversation as brief as possible. It was nice for a change to get that out.

I rarely tell anyone while I am talking on the phone to them that I am experiencing anxiety. But I figured well.. my doctor knows about it, he always talks to me about it when I see him for something else so just tell him your nervous" and so I did. I got a bit teary eyed afterwards just from thinking "Wow, did I just talk to my doctor on the phone and say that to him. I feel great.". It just felt good to do. I'm probably going to need to talk to more than one doctor in the coming months.

I also almost came close to making an appointment for one of the previous visits to see my doctor but right when the lady on the other end was searching for available time slots for me. I had to hand the phone over to my mom. Maybe one of these days I will get better with actually making an appointment. I don't like to because I never know when someone is able to bring me to and from there. So I let the person who can drive me make the appointment aka my mom. :sigh

So that is all I have to share about the phone goal for now. As right now I am just trying to keep positive from dealing with a possible Scoliosis, a parasite and apparently I have arthritis now. Ain't my life fantastic? Not really. :rain


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## spacechild

i want you to use love and humor to conquer this fear jessie. i want you to start dialing random numbers and say something to make them laugh. or say something you find embarrising about yourself. practice this. practice picking up the phone when the phone rings, maybe fart or burp into it, say sorry if you must, we are human after all. but let go of your insecurities one step at a time, untill they dont even own a spot in your brain, these thoughts dont deserve a spot in your brain


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## cheesybread

*First time poster*

I have been Googling this 'phobia' recently because I may suffer from it.

My story may be interesting to some, so read on - right from the start;

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All throughout my life I have never been shy or bad with people. I was always confident and extremely social. Eventually I started my own business several years ago, this is where things took a turn for the worst (after a few years). _My best skill turned into my worst nightmare_.

As my (service) business grew, the more clients I had to respond to. The problem was that I was always the 'go-to-guy' for EVERYTHING, and many of my clients seemed to be calling me _unusually_ often, and for things I cannot solve or will never have a positive answer to. It's like they set me up to just be a person to blame, as if I control the weather - the thing I rely on to get work done.

Let's say for example, I can't do work if it's raining outside. A client would call me in order to find out why I'm not working, even being told before that I don't work during the rain! I mean, even without me saying - isn't it obvious? The work I do requires it to be fair, not raining or wet!

Anyway, these calls and many similar would come in non stop, every day, for every hour. Clients would always be calling to see where I'm at in my schedule, when they know damn well when I will be arriving as it has been planned in advance. _The work I do is scheduled weekly, on the same week day, all year round for every client._

*ANYWAY*... I eventually got into this habit of avoiding my phone calls, and letting them go to voice-mail - this way I can actually know if the caller has something important for me, or just wants to chit chat and waste my time with *stupid* questions. Unfortunately for me, the callers refused to give up trying to contact me, they would leave messages saying, "Why don't you ever pick up? I just want to know when you will be by" - I *never* answer because I'm *sick* of telling them.

At this point, I never returned phone calls. Some clients would call me so often, it would actually become extremely awkward to see them in person by the time I'd arrive to actually get any work done for them.

Example;

*Customer:* Why didn't you answer your phone? I called 1000 times!

*My mind:* Because I'm not available to hold your hand 24/7, and you are smothering the hell out of me with questions I can't answer without a negative answer. (_they ask me questions where all of the answers are 'no'_).

*What I actually say:* I'm not good with technology, I haven't figured out my phone yet - but I'm here! Don't worry!

Eventually, I would actually fire these clients without notice, and only if they hadn't made a payment yet. I just couldn't bother to face them anymore after coming up with all of these excuses to protect *them* from me telling them off.

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Also note, that every single one of my clients disregards the fact that I have several other clients. They all call for me to reschedule them prior to rainfall, unfortunately this isn't fair to the clients who have the reserved dates that I set for them.

I get calls like this every hour, and you can understand why I just can't answer and say, "No, sorry" "No, sorry" "No sorry"...

If I don't answer = Bad Guy

If I answer and say "No sorry" = Bad Guy...

WHAT THE HELLLLL?!?!?!

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*My lousy advice:*

Never avoid your phone calls from the start, it gets into a nasty habit that doesn't fix the phobia, it makes it worse. It makes personal relationships awkward with the people you avoid, regardless of how needy they are.


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## OutrageouslyAdorable

I always hope it goes to voicemail lol


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## ~Jessie~

Wow, this thread is still kicking. I sort of gave up on trying to overcome the phone phobia. I had several stressors going on that made me not want to deal with the phone issue. Btw.. I'm better now physically, although arthritis is still pretty irritating to deal with. Anyway, I started seeing my old therapist and she's been trying to get me to overcome this phone problem. 

I had told her that the phone is one of my top anxiety filled things to deal with, if I were to overcome it. It would maybe be half my anxiety gone since a lot of what I want/need to do involves using the phone. Although it isn't technically using the real phone invention, she's asked me to try using Skype for exposure therapy. I've been reluctant to use it but have to talk to my family members or people I'm most comfortable with through it at least a couple times a week or so. I just don't want anyone to call/video call me at random. It has to be a 'scheduled' call and I told everyone who wishes to talk to me on there that "please don't expect much from me" lol

I feel like I can only last maybe 5-10min and then I need to log out and take a breather from it haha. Anywho, that's where I'm at with the phone right now.


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## la79

*phone phobic too!!*

I'm so glad I found this forum as I thought I was the only person 'afraid' of talking on the phone!! It's mostly when people are watching or sitting nearby as I think I'll say the wrong thing and then panic and look a fool! 
I used to not like ringing anyone and would psyche myself up for hours beforehand. I do think lots of practice and repetition helps, also preparing what I'm going to say before I ring the number, as long as I have my beginning words I feel alright but I still get heart palpitations and a sense of dread when the phone rings in the office!x


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## ihatephones

I wouldn't quite describe my problem as a fear of telephones. I just utterly hate them. They're invasive, impersonal and they often require you to mask rash decisions that you can't think through because the person on the other end expects you to make a decision. 

Why else would they have called? Everytime someone calls me, I can't help but imagining that it must be some kind of life-or-death situation for them or else they'd use better forms of communication such as mail or electronic mail so I often fail to take myself into account and agree to something that I did not want to agree to or later on regret. And since i don't want to use a telephone, I am often hesitant of calling back and rectifying the situation.

I am certain I developed my hatred of telephones at an early age. My parents were seperated and would constantly argue over the telephone, often dragging me in to come and talk to either one of 'm through a phone.

In later life, I ditched school a lot and subsequently, a lot of teachers would phone my home and ask me where I was. Or worse, they'd get a parent on the line telling them that I was absent. 

At some point, I just stopped picking up the phone because every time someone called, it was usually to get me to do something I didn't want to do. (And that's a pretty big deal for a teenager or younger)

Now I run my own business and I try to make it a point that customers email me. I selectively answer my phone calls and it makes me incredibly nervous when a new customer calls. I can deal with phone calls if I can identify the number and know who calls but I start sweating and becoming nervous when an unknown number (As in a number I don't recognize. Unknown numbers I don't even bother answering because every time I do, I end up regretting it. Usually telemarketing and those guys just don't give up making me incredibly nervous and prone to agree to something just to have them bugger off) 

This habit interferes with my work, definitely. Most people forgive me because I specialize in an area of expertise where certain anti-social character traits aren't completely unexpected but why do they always insist on calling me?

Just now I wrote someone an email and they insist on calling me. They even call me during hours that I am not even willing to acknowledge the existence of my phoneline. (I state the hours I am answering the phone when I hand out my number). And because I think that if they call me at this hour, it must be an emergency, I treat it as such.

Sometimes people try to teach you a lesson by calling you on purpose, thinking it is their duty to make you more acquainted with telephony. It doesn't work that way, if it's someone I know well or someone that I had a good impression of it, it all comes a lot easier.

What I dislike even more are people who prioritize phones over people whom they are talking to in person. I had to do this a few times when I thought carrying my cellphone with me would be a good idea and I hated every moment of it. As a result, I couldn't even focus on what was being said and I once again agreed to things I did not want to agree to.

And writing about it actually made me feel better.

Despite this being some sort of anxiety, I don't think it's entirely unjust. Phones are an intrusive devise and they always interrupt work or your train of thought. If people do not want to use them, others should just respect that. Imagine a world where Twitter, Facebook and whatnot are all mandatory! Absurd.


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## ~Jessie~

How my phone phobia had started was from getting too many calls from my school for my absense due to my anxiety. I think a lot of the calls from others only seemed negative to me so I didn't want to answer it after awhile until I just couldn't answer it out of fear of upsetting someone. Some of the reason was getting yelled at for my mistakes I made and the best way to deal with it at the time was to avoid the phone entirely.

I rarely answer it now because my family gets a lot of telemarketers and one of my aunts loves phoning us frequently to speak to my mom. It's gotten to a point that even my mom avoids the phone and my aunt - but she'll take one day a week to answer all the random calls to get them off her back lol

I'm slowly getting better with using the phone. I had one really nice skype conversation with my only friend, hope to have another soon. I have spoken to my younger sister on the phone several times. Brief as she makes me anxious on top of using the phone(I never show my true emotions to her like crying, laughing, etc..). I answered a phone call on my cellphone to which it was my dad.  I rarely answer my phone. :/

I'm still very anxious with talking to people I don't know very well on the phone and using the phone when others are nearby on either end of it though. If I can get past that uncomfortable feeling than I think it will be easy to demolish the other little fears I have with using the phone.


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## angiemarie

Good job with your goals! Reading this actually made me feel a lottttt better, because this is something I am currently working on as well. My boyfriend will ask me to make a simple phonecall, and I never can do it. As of a week ago, I have been calling a friend or family member up, for just a random chat. Going to work my way up. Baby steps.


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## treeshine

Just resurrecting the thread... 

I find it interesting (and sad) when I contemplate how many people probably look up therapy and counseling for mental health issues online, and then navigate away when they realize scheduling an appointment involves the telephone barrier. I know that happens to me, frequently. 

How am I supposed to get out of this pit of despair without using the phone? I guess give it another 20 years and hope, by that time, online appointment scheduling is mandatory?

:um

/vent


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## cutelildeadbear

Ugghh this is one of my biggest issues. I hate the phone. My father was the same way. For the longest time I would get other people to make calls for me. Of course that doesn't fly at work. A good way to get out of it was to send emails, but my last boss hated email and insisted that we call people. One of the reasons I ended up having my nervous breakdown actually. Anyway, one thing that has always helped me when I didn't have a choice but to use the phone is write down exactly what I would say. From the first hello and introduction to the points that I needed to make or questions that I needed to ask. It might help.


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