# Are your parents hoarders?



## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

I know there is another thread asking if you personally are a hoarder but I wanted to tailor one specifically to your parents.

I am coming to a lot of personal insights lately. The latest one being that my moms semi-hoarding ways had a deep effect on my socializing growing up. I was always so embarrassed by it, I never even entertained the idea of someone coming over to my house to spend the night. Was always embarrassed when someone would see my house from the outside if they drove by.

Some anecdotal evidence says we have a lot in common with Children of Alcoholics:


> 1. Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
> 
> 2. Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
> 
> ...


Is this you?


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## Toad Licker (Nov 2, 2007)

Neither of my parents are hoarders, I don't think I have any on either side of my family either.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

My Mom is a bit of a hoarder. Our house is very neat and orderly, but behind every closet and cabinet door is a ton of S**t!! Our food pantry has so much stuff in it that it's literally impossible to even have the slightest clue what's in the back. The door on our freezer barely closes because there is so much stuff jammed in there. She used to take up 3/4 of my brother and I's closets with all her extra clothes that she hasn't worn in many years.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

My mom has an inability to want to get rid of things. She keeps things from the 80s. There are closets and rooms in our houses full of things, but not to the extent that I see on hoarding shows. She just has alot of stuff.


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## polardude18 (Oct 13, 2009)

My parents are not hoarders, but I am a child of an alcoholic. I never knew there were specific characteristics of children of alcoholics, but it is true that those kinds of addictions (either to hoarding, drugs, alcohol, etc.) have effects on the children later in life. 

I can very much relate to most all of the characteristics you listed above, especially numbers 8 and 9.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Banzai said:


> I don't get it...what's children of alcoholics got anything to do with hoarding? :con
> 
> And no, my mother especially is the complete opposite.


Its an addiction your parents have that you don't have any control over. It is something that you can't relate to your peers about and therefore feel isolated.

There are actually different levels though. The ones you see on the shows are level 5s, the highest. I think I was in somewhere between 2-3:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding#Levels_of_hoarding

More detailed PDF:

http://www.nsgcd.org/resources/clutterhoardingscale.php


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## HTF (Nov 15, 2009)

my dad is some what a pack rat, but not bad enough to call him a hoarder.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

my sister is a hoarder, I can't even walk into her and her husband's apartment without feeling stressed out.


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## heyJude (Aug 1, 2009)

Yeah, I think my parents are hoarders. Especially my mom. Her bedroom closet is jammed with bags and bags of apparel from the '80s, and other things she doesn't even use anymore. Things she just doesn't want to part with because they hold sentimental meaning. Same with our hallway closet. Now, don't even get me started on our garage...I don't know who dumps more stuff in there, my mom or my dad. Piles of junk they don't want to part with. I can't even remember the last time I could walk through there without bumping into/stepping over something. 

Because my parents are hoarders, I've made it a point to throw out/recycle/donate anything and everything I haven't used in the past 6 months. I feel so much better afterwards.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

My mother is a hoarder - that is probably where I developed mine. 
It wasn't nearly as bad when I was little, but it's like there's things I feel I have to keep in case I ever need to look up information.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

My father is.

I cannot relate to most of the list.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

My father is a hoarder. He's a ****ing drunk too.
Most of that list is me, though i don't find people i can rescue, lol.


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## Duke of Prunes (Jul 20, 2009)

My grandmother is sort of a hoarder but not. She's just got lots of useless stuff, but she's not obsessed with collecting it. Neither of my parents are though.


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## christ~in~me (Dec 18, 2008)

Yes!!! they have like 3 of everything.it took them a month to move into a new house!


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## Miss Meggie (Nov 19, 2009)

My mother is a terrible hoarder. Everything you can imagine, she has stacks of it. Books, magazines, articles from magazines and newspapers (which she usually can't remember why she saved when she happens to come across them), clothes/toys from my siblings' and my childhood, anything.
My father saves things, but I wouldn't really call him a hoarder. He has the ability to throw things away if he realises they are unimportant.
My sister is a little along the lines of my mother, except that she only has her room to store her stuff in so, consequently, she doesn't have as much stuff. She recently got her own apartment in South Carolina, so I can imagine she has hoarded a bit more stuff since she's been gone. She is moving back to Connecticut in about 8 months, though, so she probably won't want to collect too much stuff since she'll have to pack it all up and move back.
I'll save stuff. I usually have things that I'll keep if they relate to my "special interests," like food magazines, Harry Potter-related stuff, Titanic-realted stuff, poetry. But I've recently gotten much better about throwing things that I'll never use/need/realise that they are missing away. Where my mom seems to feel that she won't remember a certain event if she throws away a reminder of it, like a movie ticket or receipt, I'll only save them if they are related to my interests (receipts from the purchases of my Harry Potter books, ticket stubs from Harry Potter/LOTR/anything with Adam Sandler or Gerard Butler/My Chemical Romance concerts).


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## Weoh (Nov 22, 2009)

My mother is definitely a hoarder, but I don't think it had any major affect on me. It is embarrassing for my parents to have people over, though.


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## xtina (Jan 3, 2010)

yes, that is me, almost identically.
both of my parents are alcoholics/addicts. they both have a tendency to hoard things (moreso my mom) and are both ocd about certain things.


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## anonymid (Oct 16, 2005)

My dad definitely was; my mom definitely is not.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

My mother certainly is.

My father is dead and his ashes are being hoarded in a box in my brother's basement.


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## antonina (Oct 25, 2008)

My parents both have tendencies to hold onto things and have lots of clutter around. They both have psychiatric issues also. I can identify with a lot of the adult children of alcoholics behaviors.

Also there is a show called Hoarders on AandE on cable. They also have a website.
http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/

I noticed from watching some of the episodes that the children suffer quite a bit from this. Some of them were even removed from the home by CPS because it was deamed unsanitary. It really is devastating.


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## power2theweak (Jan 2, 2009)

Yes, my dad is a hoarder. I am just starting to realize how growing up in that environment contributed to my social issues. I could not have friends over. The hoarding was shameful...something that I always hid from others. I never felt that anyone understood. I thought (and still feel) that people would blame me for not cleaning things up. Cleaning up does not solve the problem. Often, you get yelled at for moving things...and it is just a matter of time until things are back to "normal"--as abnormal as that is.

I have a fear of answering the door/having people come over. Did that come from my fear of socializing or because I've always been afraid that others would see all of the clutter? Perhaps they both play a part. It is hard to maintain friendships when you are always making excuses for why they can't come over.

Unfortunately, I am again living with my dad. His whole life is chaotic, a mess, and filled with stress (which he brings on himself)...his cluttered house is just one area. Being around my dad means I am subjected to his chaos. It is maddening. I hope to be out of here soon.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Mine aren't despite I'm quite materialistic myself. They don't tend to collect anything or DvD collections etc, they are do have ornaments but nothing really collectable. They spend money on holidays more I guess.


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## Emptyheart (Sep 15, 2009)

My Mom is a hoarder..shes always complaining about my room being a mess when her room looks like dump! I always clean her room.


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## knuckles17 (Jun 27, 2009)

wow i thought it was just me my parents well my dad keeps EVERYTHING and BTW the reason bigbird could not fly is because not all birds can fly look at chickens the dodo bird and several others


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## RosieApple (May 10, 2010)

My mothers parents were hoarders and she has always tries her best not to be. 
There was still alot of clutter in my upbringing. 
My mother is always fighting against the clutter and even goes to tidy my grandfathers house each week.
I am a bit of a hoarder myself. 
I relate to quite a bit on the list.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Out of my father+stepmother and mother+stepfather, only my stepmother does the hoarding thing.

I had alcoholism in my family growing up though, and can relate to most of the 15 things on that list.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

Yep... it wasn't so bad really when I was little - some but not bad.. but when I got to be a teen it started getting real bad... it was one reason I would NEVER had anyone over (one reason)... I never took friends to meet my parents... never wanted them to see what I came from. I really wish I'd had parents I felt REALLY proud of... but it just wasn't what I got - can't change that.

So it has passed to all of my brothers and sisters and to me. I fight it like the plaque but have a tendency to not throw stuff out 'just in case I need it'... my garage and shed are full of stuff I need to get rid of.... my house isn't so bad but the problem is that I moved from a two story farmhouse that I owned in Maine to a 960 sq ft trailer in Florida and so there is not enough space for my stuff - I've been trying to get rid of stuff for 10 years but it's hard.

I do not buy things... people give me stuff and I feel bad saying no... so I tuck it in the garage and hope they forget they gave it to me... or I'll have to put it somewhere so they don't ask where it is if they come around... I really hate lying so I can't do that.

So yeah.. it's a little clutter... scale of one to ten... my dad's place, my sisters and my nieces and nephews... 8-10... my place 4-5... I really want it to be about a 2-3.


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## Silvermyst (May 13, 2010)

WoW... I can easily relate to the list. I haven't talked to my Dad since I was 15 due to his alcoholism. I am convinced my hubby is a hoarder. I had him build an office out in the garage, just so he would have somewhere to put his things. He gets kinda pissed off when I throw his stuff away, like shirts with holes, computers from like 1997. Why does he need a box of old computer cables that probably don't even work? So the garage has become his safe heaven from his crazy wife....


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Hey I made this thread!

This goes with the ACOA thread as well.


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## hatepickingnames (May 14, 2010)

My mother and grandmother are out of control with hoarding. I have told them that if there is something they want preserved they need to mark it and put it out in front because when they die I am hiring some kids and a commercial dumpster and tossing it all out. We have tried to help organize them forever but they always have some excuse.

The really silly thing is they are OCD about the parts people can see...but the basements and attics are ridiculous. I don't buy the sentimental excuse either because if you asked them to tell you what was down there that is so important they couldn't tell you what most of it is. It's not even useful stuff either it is 100% junk. In fact they both tossed out some really good useful things like tools and supplies when their respective spouses died...but they can't get rid of the useless nonsense like the 8000 empty butter dishes or 100 strands of burnt out Christmas lights.


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## power2theweak (Jan 2, 2009)

That is the thing with hoarding...they collect USELESS junk...but somehow they assign value to it. Magazines, empty boxes, video cassettes, records, newspapers...

I have begged my dad to start sorting through his stuff. He is 70 years old and not in the best health. I do not want to inherit his huge mess. Of course, I know that he will never part with any of his stuff...I will be stuck with MONTHS of work after he passes...and I really resent that. He has said, "I just hope you realize how valuable that stuff is." Yes, Dad, I do...it's all going straight into the dumpster. I have thought about just burning the whole house down...too bad that isn't a viable option.



hatepickingnames said:


> My mother and grandmother are out of control with hoarding. I have told them that if there is something they want preserved they need to mark it and put it out in front because when they die I am hiring some kids and a commercial dumpster and tossing it all out. We have tried to help organize them forever but they always have some excuse.
> 
> The really silly thing is they are OCD about the parts people can see...but the basements and attics are ridiculous. I don't buy the sentimental excuse either because if you asked them to tell you what was down there that is so important they couldn't tell you what most of it is. It's not even useful stuff either it is 100% junk. In fact they both tossed out some really good useful things like tools and supplies when their respective spouses died...but they can't get rid of the useless nonsense like the 8000 empty butter dishes or 100 strands of burnt out Christmas lights.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

One way I helped to not pass this to my son is that I got him to understand that if he took a picture of it... got rid of it... but still had the picture... then he would still have the memory... that when it comes to 'things that have no real value'... that it is a memory or a feeling he is trying to keep and not forget... not 'the thing'... so now when he wants to keep something I ask him if we can take a picture and get rid of it... usually he says yes.

I've done that with papers to a point now... if there is something I want to keep - like a magazine... I go through it first and tear out the articles I want... and put just those articles in a binder in a plastic sleeve and keep it on a bookshelf... it has helped as books and magazines are my weakness. Oddly this has kept me from keeping a LOT.

I hate bugs and I got it through to my son that we cannot keep boxes or newspapers and stuff because they are nests for bugs... so that has been eliminated.

I inherited so many parts of hoarding but have learned over the years to control it and not let it control me.

I'm still bad with tools and car parts and nails, screws, nuts and bolts and stuff... they are all out in my garage - to be sorted one day... righttttttt.... I used to keep scrap boards and lumber and building supplies but finally donated it all to Habitat for Humanity.

That was a huge help too cuz it made me realize that all that cr*p that I had laying around could really help other people... now I resort to wanting to have my stuff be used by someone who needs it rather than keep it in a worthless and unusable state.

People now give me stuff BECAUSE they know I will find a home for it where it will be useful - even if it means I will take it to Catholic Charities or the Pregnancy Resource Center, The Humane Society Thrift Store or similar organizations.


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## power2theweak (Jan 2, 2009)

caflme said:


> I inherited so many parts of hoarding but have learned over the years to control it and not let it control me.


Glad to hear that, Betty. The thing with my dad is...he doesn't want to control it. His mess isn't a problem to him. I guess you learned the hard way how horrible it is for the families of hoarders. I'm glad that you are not subjecting your son to that kind of chaos. Loved the picture thing you taught him, BTW!


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

power2theweak said:


> Glad to hear that, Betty. The thing with my dad is...he doesn't want to control it. His mess isn't a problem to him. I guess you learned the hard way how horrible it is for the families of hoarders. I'm glad that you are not subjecting your son to that kind of chaos. Loved the picture thing you taught him, BTW!


Hi... yeah... none of my dad's/sister's mess is a problem for him either (she lives with him and contributes to it) until the city sends him a letter to clean it up or get fined $100/day to clean up his inside stuff because it is a public nuisance. Then he will clean it up just enough to shut them up... never that much... and then reaccumulate stuff till it is just as bad or as worse as it was before. It's gotten 10x worse since my mom died ten years ago.

My dad says when he dies it will be our problem because we are the only one's that are bothered by it. He's always trying to give me stuff... I now take everything he wants to give me and dispose of it before I get it home. One time when my sister was out of state I made up an excuse of needing newspapers for a paper drive at my son's school... prompting my dad to load my entire car with all the newspapers/magazines that were there for the last 10 years... (I hated to lie but it was real bad)... I put took them all straight to the recycle center. There are so many cockroaches in their place that nothing that comes from there can come into my house.


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## Madbritt (Nov 12, 2008)

My dad is! he always complains about my room being messy, but he keeps old papers and a junk in his truck, garage, and on tables. It's funny, I think I might be a hoarder too because of him, I keep junk all over my desk. My mom gets mad about the junk and always threatens to throw it away, but never does.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

I cleared out my dads cupboard the other month and found a packet of dried pasta with a use by date of 1995.

lol


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

galaxy1 said:


> I cleared out my dads cupboard the other month and found a packet of dried pasta with a use by date of 1995.
> 
> lol


I was looking for something once 5 years ago (2005) and found a can of Vienna Sausages that was dated 1978 - that is really crazy.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

caflme said:


> I was looking for something once 5 years ago (2005) and found a can of Vienna Sausages that was dated 1978 - that is really crazy.


haha wow! i like clearing all the useless stuff out every now and then. my dad seems very reluctant to throw things away, my friends mum has a habit of keeping the cupboards stacked with out of date products too. i tend to buy things for specific recipes or meals so all the food usually gets eaten before it gets a chance to turn ,sometimes when i change my diet around things can get forgotten about though.


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## matt20 (Apr 22, 2010)

My grandfather was a "Semi-hoarder". A large, suburban 4 bedroom, full basement house, packed with stuff. Now there wasn't piles of stuff all over the floor, everything was pretty neat and orderly. (Although the upkeep of the house was another story). He owned several businesses over the years, a plant business (houseplants..when that was a big thing in the 60's) and a book business run from the basement, and later a retail hardware store (and later ended up bringing back all the unsold merchandise and fixtures to sit in the basement and rot). Well, he passed away in September and I've been helping my grandmother throw stuff out, move, pack, and clean so she can move into a condo, which she is doing in a few months. It's very difficult for her though as every item has a purpose and meaning and has taken lots of effort to convince her to get rid of items. I have found everything you can imagine...receipts going back to the 1940's, shopping bags to stores that haven't existed in 25 years, food items well past their date, everything you can think of that most people would have thrown away. It is kind of neat to see, sort of a walk into the past, and at least is something that has been keeping me busy for the past several months.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

I am careful with expiration dates but not neurotic. I do rotate my cupboards every 4 months and pull older stuff to the front and try to think up a meal to use them - if I can't then I donate it to a food cupboard so that they can give it to someone who will use it. I think the biggest thing that keeps my hoarding somewhat under control is charitable donations... knowing that someone can really use it and needs it.

But... that said I know that the date on cans and stuff is a sell by date ... not a hard and fast must use date... so I have stretched it before - just not more than a month.

I hate waste... I really hate it... so wow, maybe I am a little neurotic about it lol.


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