# People think you're gay?



## Squid24 (Nov 23, 2009)

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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*Hmm*

Well, first off, your private/romantic life is your own business. You're an adult and- so long as you do your best not to respect others and don't go against the law of the land- nobody has any right or authority to dictate to you what your private life should be.

But I do understand how frustrating this must be for you.

But, for the moment, let's let the expectations of others fall by the wayside. You're under no obligation to prove yourself to anyone. What do you want? Never mind what other people might expect of you based on nonsense stereotypes and conventions that aren't even real. What do you want? Do you want to move forward to a position where you find it easier to talk to women? More confidence approaching women?

Contrary to popular belief, most men are not experts at talking to women. The amount of times I've walked into posts, accidentally broken chairs, fallen over and even talked about waste management for not other reason than she was beautiful and I forgot what planet I was on. Anyway, the point is, it's not 100% easy for anyone.

You seem worried to admit that "at 23 you've never even talked to a woman". From what you say, it seems you feel as if admitting that is like admitting to some kind of horrible thing. Look, you're 23 and it's cool. Whether you've spoken to women or not is not the measure of you so there's no need for you to define yourself based on that. Since I'm guessing you've spoken to your mother and I'm guessing your Mom is a woman, it's not really true to say that you've never spoken to a woman. Yes, I know, you weren't asking your Mum out on a date but the principle is the same. You can be comfortable talking to you Mum, I assume so there's an example of you being comfortable talking to women.

Think of something you do well. Sports, hobbies, some skill, talent. Picture yourself doing that thing. Fully associate yourself in that memory. See yourself in full colour and bright pictures doing that thing well. Now, you're confident when you're doing this thing well, aren't you? Now, can you take the confidence you get from doing this thing well and use it in other areas of your life? Say, talking to women? Can you talk to women in the manner that you do that thing you do well?

The courage to be who you truly are right now is more attractive than seeking to conform to other people's "expectations".

Hope it all works out for you.


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## CeilingStarer (Dec 29, 2009)

I hate the "never around a girl so must be gay" thing. It's not like I'm ever around a boy either. However, that just means I'm a closet gay. You can't win. I also sometimes wish I was born gay, so that other dudes could do some of the approaching.


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## Steve123 (Sep 13, 2009)

While its not said out in the open, I get the feeling the longer I go without dating the more friends (or friend rather) and family, especially my mother, start to think I'm gay. Not the sound crude but any brief glance at my internet history should dispell that notion (okay I sounded crude).


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## TRENNER (Sep 21, 2009)

If anyone believes you're gay when you're not, just tell them with a straight face, "I'm not gay. I'm attracted to sheep and goats!!!" Then, watch their reaction.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Yeah, people assume I'm gay, too. They don't realize I'm just too shy to ask a girl out.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

I have the opposite problem. People assume I'm straight. You know, no-one has to explain the way they live to anyone else. I can understand it's frustrating when you're trying to date and the person assumes you're not into them, but as for anyone else it's none of their business. Let them think what they want.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

A lot of people made that assumption about me when I was younger since I didn't seem to have any issues about not having a boyfriend. I was 15-17, why did I have to have a boyfriend? :b


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

My friends said it to me, they were just joking. But I got the feeling at the same time they were actually thinking there was a possibility I could be seen as I've had a long dry spell with women...more like a drought, but oh well, press on.


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## kelly0205 (Jan 28, 2010)

People are so nosey. They look for any little shred of gossip to distract them from their own drama. Not sure why it doesn't occur to people you may be taking your time to find a mate? That would be too easy and refreshing to assume something like that though.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

When I was younger some people thought I was gay, but the majority were morons, so I guess that doesn't count.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Cerberus said:


> Heh People tend to ask me about it in round about ways, such as "Do you look at gay pornography?" When I said, besides lesbian porn, no, then they went on asking something along the lines of "Are you sure? Have you ever looked at it deliberately?"


Wow, what kind of people ask you those questions? Ask them if they ever got it up the rump next time they ask, and look serious...


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

They probably do, not like I've ever done anything that could prove otherwise...

still, gets annoying...


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## MindOverMood (Dec 12, 2009)

Even though he was joking, my dad said " what are you gay?" because I've never had a gf or had sex before.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

Try *being* gay and not wanting anyone to know that you are!


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

As a single woman over 30, I've been asked that before. I look very feminine too!!! Stupid people! :no

ETA- And yeah, I know about "lipstick lesbians"... but still, just because I'm not married. :roll


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I don't recall ever being asked, but I'm sure relatives and co-workers have probably wondered, especially now that I'm reaching that age where society expects people to get married.

I don't have to worry too much about my immediate family. I think they pretty much understand that the 100% absence of women from my life for the last 29 years is a result of my social retardedness, not being gay. I don't even have guy friends either, so yeah, I think they understand the situation.


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## sabueed (May 8, 2008)

Well apparently if you haven't had a gf by the age of 10 you are gay.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I was asked straight up whether or not I was gay once by a family friend when I was 16 and in a bad place. It wasn't because I didn't have a girlfriend; it was most likely because I was being quiet by comparison to the other really extroverted guys in my family.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Neptunus said:


> As a single woman over 30, I've been asked that before. I look very feminine too!!!


Uhhh, so do I. So do a lot of us.

Sorry, not to attack you, but this misconception annoys me. An awful lot of us don't conform to the stereotype. We "femmes" (no-one uses "lipstick lesbians" anymore) are far more common than people realise. Trouble is, everyone assumes we're straight.

Sorry again, I don't mean to have a go at you specifically. Just trying to address a no longer relevant stereotype.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

pyramidsong said:


> Uhhh, so do I. So do a lot of us.
> 
> Sorry, not to attack you, but this misconception annoys me. An awful lot of us don't conform to the stereotype. We "femmes" (no-one uses "lipstick lesbians" anymore) are far more common than people realise. Trouble is, everyone assumes we're straight.
> 
> Sorry again, I don't mean to have a go at you specifically. Just trying to address a no longer relevant stereotype.


Hey, no problem! "Femmes," I'll remember that. 

As for the more masculine stereotype, at least where I live, it is still quite relevant.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Fair enough. But yeah. My public service announcement of the day for everyone: next time you see a really feminine woman, remember she may be a "woman's woman."

You're welcome.


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## Duke of Prunes (Jul 20, 2009)

My friends used to think I was, and my mum probably thinks I am, but their opinions are meaningless because I'm comfortable enough with my straightness that I don't feel like I have to do anything to prove it.


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## Nathan18 (Sep 15, 2009)

Both my parents have asked me if I'm gay. My mum was more direct about it. I guess it's because I never talk about any girls or have brought anybody home. 

Nobody else has ever asked me.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

This is one of those topics that comes up on a semi-regular basis on SAS, with guys complaining that everyone assumes they're gay because they lack a GF or wife.

My brother didn't come out as gay till he was over the age of 40 and I never even suspected he was gay. I never saw him with women in any romantic manner, but then it's not like I saw him with guys either to clue me in on this. It wasn't an issue I really thought about, but I guess I just assumed him to be asexual.

I don't think anyone thinks I'm gay, though I have no way of knowing what's running through their minds. At least nobody has ever been bold enough to ask "Hey, Karl, are you gay?"



Neptunus said:


> As a single woman over 30, I've been asked that before. I look very feminine too!!! Stupid people! :no
> 
> ETA- And yeah, I know about "lipstick lesbians"... but still, just because I'm not married. :roll


I wouldn't make any such assumption, even though the idea of lipstick lesbians is VERY hot and I'd be thrilled if they felt comfortable engaging in graphic & prolonged public displays of affection. I suspect the rest of the straight male community is with me on this when I say to lipstick lesbians: you gals need to kiss in public, preferably as often as possible.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

i am a girl and not often, but sometimes people think i am gay. i have somewhat more masculine features (it sucks), and i am a tomboy, but i'm still straight. the friend i hang out with came out of the closet about 3 years ago, and she's one of the only people i have to hang out with so i think sometimes my mom wonders if i am gay, and my siblings have even prodded. my brother used to be a little bothered by it, and my mom probably the most since she's a christian. my friend respects that i am straight though, and nothing has ever come up (thank god, that'd be awkward, lol) but i always get a comment here and again...

i am 21 and never had a boyfriend. i'm painfully shy and not incredibly attractive so i just kind of float around. it doesn't help that i dress down...but i wear make-up just to indicate that i care to a degree, lol.

when i told my therapist i had never dated a guy he said 'some girls don't like boys'...and i had to tell him i was straight. i wondered if it was because of my facial features. i hate my face :/


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

^ actually, lot of guys like tomboys so don't let that bother you.

In Bend it Like Beckham, same dilemma with main characters. It bothered everyone and they didn't have a clue. That's how it usually goes, just silly gossip.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

haha, that's right. i saw that movie, but i think i saw it before my friend came out of the closet so i just thought it was an interesting scenario, lol. funny :b


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## haikupoet (Feb 9, 2010)

I think there is good evidence that a significant number of people assume a guy is gay if he doesn't visibly have girlfriends. Of course, not everyone is observing you all the time, so they would have to be close.

I suppose its only a problem if girls think you are gay and won't approach you or misinterpret your approach or hints about dating. Since men are generally required by social norms or evolutionary psychology (take your pick) to be the initiate contact and show interest in a woman they want to date, this might not be much of a problem in reality.

Chances are an individual girl you're asking out probably won't know you well enough to think you are gay.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It bothers me that guys think I'm gay, not because I have anything against gay people, but it's like the final straw. It's bad enough that I can't get a girlfriend, but the fact that I'm also considered a sexuality I'm not...it really bothers me.

Also it adds an uncomfortable element, because they think I'll hit on them or something. It actually would be easier if I *could *be gay, because then at least I'd have someone...but I can't change my sexuality. My attraction to girls is so deeply ingrained, and I have absolutely no attraction to other guys.

Also, girls I'm attracted to seem to sense that I'm *not *gay. I guess it's a vibe I give off. However, it's a needy vibe (something I'm trying to change), so they don't want to date me, anyway.


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## theCARS1979 (Apr 26, 2010)

yeah i was annoyed about that back in highschool once. Just last year too. That one was considered harrassment and was reported to my manager. the individual doesnt say nothing to me anymore. He better not dare. I hardly see him anyway.I think I people do that type of sh** for attention.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't know if people think I'm gay alot or not, tbh I'm not too sure what alot would be. 

I do have 2 instances of gay guys pursuing me. Once was at the gym about a year ago, really akward. Another was on a dating site, I guess he knew I wasn't gay but he contacted me and was looking for intimate encounter, so of course I responded.....


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## mbp86 (May 11, 2010)

My mom also asked me if I was gay because I've never had a girlfriend. When I said no, she replied, "are you sure?"

Now she knows how frustrated and stressed out I am about being single. I told her that I never know what to say around people I don't know (and even people I semi know) and that finding people is extra tough for me because I don't drink or go to clubs.

She thinks just because I'm handsome, smart, and nice that I shouldn't have anything to worry about. I guess women were less picky back in her time.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

My ex boyfriend used to talk a lot about people thinking he was gay... best I could tell - he soooo was not. But he used to say frequently how relieved his brother and dad and co-worker were to know he wasn't gay. I think HE seemed relieved to know he was not gay. I was his first real girlfriend, his first intimate kiss, his first intimacy of any kind... he was 47. It lasted about 6 months... the good part.... his SA took over and he just couldn't be around me... but if nothing else good happened for him when he was with me maybe it was that... maybe it was the reassurance he needed to convince himself and everyone he was straight. Who knows... maybe all I ever was was just a test for him to prove himself with.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

It just amazes me how easily it is for people to resort to thinking someone must be gay if they don't actively show their sexuality to everyone. If you don't wave it around and tell everybody about it people seem to find excuses you'd have for not wanting to do this.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

I got that from my mom around 16. It really hurt and showed how clueless she really was.


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

I always find myself somewhat flattered when people ask if I'm gay. The question itself implies I have some sort of fashion sense.


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

D11 said:


>


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

^ What the hell is that thing?


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

XxArmyofOnexX said:


> ^ What the hell is that thing?


Is that from the movie Alien w/Sigourney Weaver?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

caflme said:


> Is that from the movie Alien w/Sigourney Weaver?


Probably is.


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## JayDontCareEh (Jul 16, 2007)

Lol @ AliBaba's posts, and sig.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

People think I'm gay when I "sport-tap" other guy's butts for moral support. I don't get it... (kidding).


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

WintersTale said:


> Probably is.


Correct. It's a screencap from the "Chest Bursting" scene in Alien:






Back on topic: People always think I'm gay. Although we seem to be in the midst of some type of societal shift in which an individual can be single and over the age of 22, without being thought of as a "rear admiral" if you will.


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## Manifold (May 14, 2010)

I was never told that, but I know people in my family think so because I never had a girlfriend. It’s funny because my father also displayed symptoms of social anxiety, and because he didn’t approach women my grandfather started thinking he was gay. Good thing my father understands what I am going through and doesn’t jump into conclusions.

It’s kind of silly to jump into conclusions like that, I don’t approach women, but I don’t approach men either, so why would people think that? It would be more understandable if they thought I was asexual, rather than homosexual…


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

AliBaba said:


> Correct. It's a screencap from the "Chest Bursting" scene in Alien:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lol sometimes these threads just get so damn off topic lol


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## Mr. Frostie (Nov 2, 2008)

MindOverMood said:


> Even though he was joking, my dad said " what are you gay?" because I've never had a gf or had sex before.


Wait a minute, what?

Your father ridicules you because you don't have sex? That's *extremely *weird. We have an unspoken don't ask/don't tell policy when it comes to that kind of stuff in my family.


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## xtina (Jan 3, 2010)

yeah, recently someone anonymously asked me "someone told me you're a lesbian. is this true?" so apparently there's a rumor going around that i am. i don't understand how rumors like that surface from thin air...like, what are they based on? do people assume these things just because i've never had a boyfriend and i'm not some ****? hahah whatever, i know i'm attracted to men , though often intimidated.


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

I would just tell everyone: "Yes, I'm a lesbian". This could actually result in more men being interested in you. :eyes


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

lol I've had 3 gay guys hit on me and back in school my male friends used to ask if I was gay because I didn't talk to girls.

Ridiculous


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## Revan (Jun 28, 2009)

One of my classmates once said (while I was in earshot) that if you didn't have a girlfriend by my age you were either gay or really ugly. My older brother also makes gay gibes from time to time but I don't think he means it literally. Just ribbing like siblings do.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

That makes me feel a lot better. 27 and never been kissed...*(%($!


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