# Dumped by my first girlfriend



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

Figured I'd put this here since there was a few people who followed my dating threads in here. 

As the topic says I got dumped today. Felt something was wrong for a while and sadly I was right. 

I asked her what was up with her behaviour lately and if she had lost her feelings for me and her response was that she had done exactly that. 

Appearantly she had more friend-feelings then boyfriend-feelings for me now for a few weeks and had been putting off dumping me in the hope that the feelings would come back.

I was/still am sad but when I was driving earlier I started having negative thoughts (some suicidal thoughts re-emerging from my past also) but luckily I got rid of them. 

Instead of focusing on the negative I'm trying to look at the positive side and that I at least got some new experiences.

I think the problem was that I was too tentative physically. We would've been together for 2 months next week and we hadnt even made out, only kissing a little bit when coming/leaving. 

Really annoying because I was scared to go forward in case she wouldnt like it, ending up with her having just friend-feelings for me because we didnt progress sexually/physically.

Pretty sad and bummed out right now but I guess thats normal. Just going to take it one day at a time now and hope to get in a better mood in a couple of days.

Man I could use a hug right now =/


----------



## StevenGlansberg (Apr 1, 2009)

Sorry to hear that. Good learning experience for you at least.


----------



## wmw87 (Apr 20, 2011)

I think overall you should view your relationship as a positive experience. Didn't you say in another thread that being in a relationship helped you overcome your SA? That's tremendous.


----------



## tropic (May 28, 2011)

^They're right , it was a positive experience for you, even if hurts right now.


----------



## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

Winning!


----------



## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

Awwww..... that's too bad, I was rooting for you. :|

But yeah, the experience you gained from it is priceless, so you at least know you can do it, and your next relationship will be easier. Probably not much comfort now, but it'll get better.


----------



## Raulz0r (Jun 4, 2011)

well take it this way, it's her lose


----------



## insight girl (Jan 15, 2006)

awwwww... here's a hug... :squeeze

Next time you see her, maybe you should just take her and have your way with her so she knows you mean business...


----------



## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

Nessy said:


> Really annoying because I was scared to go forward in case she wouldnt like it, ending up with her having just friend-feelings for me because we didnt progress sexually/physically.


That's the problem I would have too. Anxiety creates a _blindness _that prevents me from reading these signs that tell me to advance, wait, stop or retreat.
Would be awesome to find girls that were more *expressive *and who do not wait for the man to do most of the moves.

I still think you're better off alone without this girl. She didn't have patience for you. She at least ended it quicker than later, it could have been worse.


----------



## kostyalevin (Apr 20, 2011)

Breaking up sucks. Definitely a good experience though.

Did you not want to be physical with her? Or were you just unsure about whether she wanted it? I think 90% of the time, if a girl is attracted to you, she would prefer it if you took control of the physical stuff. Whether _you_ want it is a different question. But if you do, as insight_girl said above, "just take her and *have your way with her* so she knows you mean business...".


----------



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

I did want to be physical with her Kostyalevin, I really did. The problem was that she sent so much mixed signals so I didnt know if I should proceed or not. With the next girl I guess I have to force myself to be more physical.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It was probably better that things didn't go far. It would be a bigger mess. :stu


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Aggjhghghgh...not even making out??? Of course she thought of you as a friend. You really had nothing to lose going for it, especially after hanging out sooo much. That's what guys and girls do. Oh well, still a great experience and now u know u have the ability to get girls, so keep it up!


----------



## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Aw, it's ok *hug*

Learning experience!


----------



## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

It's alright, it's just the beginning for you and you'll learn how things work as you go along. Onto the next one


----------



## iDifferent (Jun 14, 2011)

This is exactly what happened to me. You seem to be doing better than me man, she was my only connection to other people. Now I'm in bed all day doing nothing because I have nothing to do and nobody do do it with.


----------



## insight girl (Jan 15, 2006)

Nessy said:


> I did want to be physical with her Kostyalevin, I really did. The problem was that she sent so much mixed signals so I didnt know if I should proceed or not. With the next girl I guess I have to force myself to be more physical.


That's why I think you should just take her and throw her up against a wall and make out with her... and see what she does. If she responds well, then tell her in her ear what you want to do to her. A guy did that to me and I LOVED it... but that's me 

What do you have to lose...


----------



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

The same thing has happened to me before. Looking back it was easy to blame myself but now I kind of look at it as BS. I mean, I frankly think it is BS that the man always has to make the moves, even if it is the case socially. It may even be biological, but I don't want to go there. I mean, if the girl is comfortable I think it is unfair she demands the man to make the moves all the time. It is stupid in my opinion unless someone can change my mind here...

Maybe next time you should just try to be friends with a girl for a while and get comfortable with her first before you even think about a relationship, and if a relationship doesn't happen then let it be and continue to be friends with her if it permits.

Do you still want to keep in contact with her or attempt to continue to be her friend? Or do you find it too painful/pointless to do so?


----------



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> Maybe next time you should just try to be friends with a girl for a while and get comfortable with her first before you even think about a relationship, and if a relationship doesn't happen then let it be and continue to be friends with her if it permits.
> 
> Do you still want to keep in contact with her or attempt to continue to be her friend? Or do you find it too painful/pointless to do so?


Being friends with a girl first is the way to the friend-zone so not going to do that 

I think I might continue to see her as a friend. We had a pretty clean breakup and she's a fun girl to be around, it could also be nice to have a girl friend.

Can't really say its painful. I think that either A. I imagined having more feelings for her then I actually did or B. I I'm suppressing my feelings, because I was pretty much over the breakup the day after o.0

I feel pretty normal, but of course its kind of sad to not have someone to snuggle with and show affection.

Now that I know I can get a girlfriend I have a different view on the whole thing. Before it was very distant and unobtainable but since I've experienced it, I know that it can happen again.

Must admit that I never really had those head-over-heels-in-love-luvvy-duvvy-feelings for her. Never experienced that in my life actually. Maybe because I wasnt too attracted to her in the start.

After I got to know her I thought she was cute but in the start I was not sure whether or not I should proceed to due to me questioning if I found her attractive. I'm guessing thats not a good start to a relationship.

Was kind of funny yesterday at the store, I noticed a cute girl and looked a bit at her and she looked back at me and smiled, then it happened once more when I noticed her again in the store and both times I actually felt quite confident instead of nervous.

Was actually considering starting up a conversation with her and asking her for her number but figured maybe it was a bit early after the breakup.

I see now that this post became a bit long so thanks to anyone who reads the whole thing ;P


----------



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

insight girl said:


> That's why I think you should just take her and throw her up against a wall and make out with her... and see what she does. If she responds well, then tell her in her ear what you want to do to her. A guy did that to me and I LOVED it... but that's me
> 
> What do you have to lose...


Could that actually work? Started thinking about her a bit now and starting to feel sad that I've lost her  Looked at some pictures of her and actually started to cry a bit


----------



## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Nessy said:


> Could that actually work? Started thinking about her a bit now and starting to feel sad that I've lost her  Looked at some pictures of her and actually started to cry a bit


Well you've lost something, and so that's a very normal response.

If you think about your earlier post about doubting your attraction to her, that could mean 1 of 2 things.

1. Maybe you're focusing on that to lessen the pain of the break-up. If it wasn't such a good idea to begin with, then it's a small loss.

2. Maybe she picked up on your ambivalence accurately. For a lot of people, getting the vibe that the other person isn't all that interested will either kill their interest, or have them wanting out to protect themselves before they get left.


----------



## tropic (May 28, 2011)

Nessy said:


> Being friends with a girl first is the way to the friend-zone so not going to do that


Not always, I was friends with my ex before we started dating and know of many cases like that.


----------



## insight girl (Jan 15, 2006)

Nessy said:


> Could that actually work? Started thinking about her a bit now and starting to feel sad that I've lost her  Looked at some pictures of her and actually started to cry a bit


I'm sorry you are sad. I'm confused to as if I am being dumped by someone so I feel your pain. :hug

If you are not that attracted to her I would say no. But if you are and you like her, when you see her again say, "I've wanted to do this for quite awhile, but I've was too (insert feeling like nervous, shy, scared etc.)" And then just go for it like a guy in a movie. If she backs away, then you'll know. Act like you just can't resist her...

Damn, I should be a dating adviser or something awesome like that...


----------



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

I'm so confused :/ I got all these awesome memories with her and thinking about never holding her again makes me sad. But I dont know if I'm just sad that I dont have a girlfriend anymore or if its her I'm sad losing. 

I think I'm just going to stay away from her for a while and hope that my feelings for her dissipate. She deserves a guy that thinks she looks as awesome as she is as a person and sadly that guy isnt me.

Dont think I'm going to look for a girlfriend for a while now,considering waiting till I'm moving into my own place in February next year. So you wont have to hear more about my drama until then hopefully!  

Thanks to everyone who has posted here and helped me


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Nessy,

Maybe you just weren't ready yet. It is not good to feel like you have to force things. It'll come with time and confidence. You will be fine.


----------



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Give it time to heal and live and learn! It's not always your fault in the grande scheme of it all!


----------



## Hamtown (Jun 10, 2010)

Well i hope you can stay friends with her!But really its a blessing in disguise man, you managed to push yourself and actually get a relationship.If its your first time thats what you have to expect man, you had mixed feelings throughout but if you can brush yourself off and learn something from it you will only become greater from the experience.

Plus your only 20.I admire that mate because before i know it i'm going to be the same age and if i want to get rid of anxiety i know i am going to have go through similar experiences.But i will be ready for it.


----------



## josh23 (Nov 26, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear that dude.:hug


----------



## MrZi (Mar 31, 2011)

sorry to hear that.

i too don't like that the guy is supposed to make the 1st move....why?
the way i've always thought about it is like this: if a girl really likes me, she'll realise that i'm either too shy or just being respectful, so she'll initiate the 1st move.
if someone breaks up with you for not making the 1st move because your "supposed" to, then she's not worth it.

i'm negative about pretty much everything, so i might be wrong.


----------



## Dan iel (Feb 13, 2011)

Nessy said:


> Figured I'd put this here since there was a few people who followed my dating threads in here.
> 
> As the topic says I got dumped today. Felt something was wrong for a while and sadly I was right.
> 
> ...


I feel ya pain. I hope your alright. When you break up your self esteem and confidence plumet. Time heals everything and you learn so much. There will be someone better suited to you anyway I bet. Just takes time!






Check the video/soung out, it's funny but true, it will make you feel better


----------



## JunkBondTrader (Nov 22, 2010)

Hey at least you can say you have an ex! Even though it didn't last long, it is still a triumph! You've made a great step toward something that you probably had a lot of anxiety about. And you've learned from this experience. Take what you've learned for your next relationship


----------



## Sunny 137 (Jul 5, 2011)

*hug*


----------



## Zima (Jul 6, 2011)

Nessy - 

Were you actually in an official relationship? Did she call herself your girlfriend?

I'm just not sure how you can *not* make out(or have sex, for that matter) while being in a relationship for 2 months. 

Anyway, 2 months is not a long time, you'll be alright very soon. Though yes, I'm sure it sucks now, but you should NOT be looking at her pictures or communicating with her in any way. Anything of that sort just prolongs the grieving process.


----------



## Nessy (Mar 3, 2011)

I was over it a week afterwards so I can't really say I'm grieving anymore  And yes we were officially a couple. I was petrified to kiss her/make out because she sent so many mixed signals and she was as reluctant as me when it became to being physical so it really never went anywhere. We had been together for 5 weeks I think btw, not 2 months (not that it matters, it was still too long without escalating physically).

Going to try to force myself to be more physical with the next girl I date and hopefully she has some more experience, knows what she wants and shows it. 

Cant believe this thread is still kicking though, like a month since we broke up


----------



## Exi Kid (Jul 3, 2011)

It was a pretty compelling story haha


----------



## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

Liquid courage, not too much to make a fool of ye but enough to add some bravado! Even if you don't do that, this is still a great experience for you dude. You know you can be good enough for someone, and you can always ask her what happened if you still talk to her, assuming you want to hear possibly hurtful words.


----------

