# Major change for the first time in a long time



## bigchris407 (Dec 20, 2006)

OK... so this morning I got up with a serious attitude and let loose on the frustration board. It's way too long to repeat so if you are interested, please read. I also posted something on coping board that was more about how to deal with what I just ranted about constructively. I went out tonight and tried something I never tried before. I used anger as an ally and besides a few very brief moments, I was almost anxiety free... I even noticed I was almost smiling the whole night even though for the past I don't know how long I've had a face like my dog just died. 
What I mean by using anger as my ally is a bit complicated still in my mind but I will try to get this accross as well as possible. 

Sit. A 

I was over at a friends house and was hanging out with 2 buddies, one which I have known for almost 22 years. Now we barely hang out anymore because the one is a jerk and my long term friend doesn't call me anymore after I've call at least 3 times so it's his loss. Anyway, I needed a short lift and on the way over there we got into a small arguement about traffic laws and he got all huffy and puffy. Now normally I would feel terrible, say what the hell is wrong with me, I'm a hopeless loser, I always piss him off even though the guy really is extremely troubled and probably had SA worse than I do. Instead I, in my mind, told myself wait a minute, even if it was a silly arguement, it's not my fault my supposed friend can't handle a convo. that really only lasted a min. tops. So instead of directing my anger inward which is the story of my life, I directed in outword, but I didn't say anything. I just made up my mind that if nothing else, he was just as much at fault as I was and after about 5 min. the sit. was over and I felt good. Really good!!!!! Where as yesturday I would have walked into work angry and miserable and in no mood to talk to anyone. 

Sit. 2 

I work at a club and do 4 nights a week. This week we have making of the band or whatever, the Puffy Daddy show, doing the show in our club so Tues I was needed for work. Now I didn't go and didn't phone my boss as well as I failed to bring in my SS card on Monday. So normally I would be a mess thinking about how much of a failure I was and how my boss was going to lose all respect for me if he had any to begin with and next week I'll be gone. But fueled by the success I had with my friend I used my anger to basically say who cares if he thinks that... it wasn't mandatory that I show up on Tues. and the SS card thing wasn't very important to them... so I'm going to go up to him, explain why I didn't come to work and see what happens. He acted like nothing happened and things were exactly the same. Normally I would go in a semi grovel and say I'm so sorry bla bla bla it will never happen again and have this look in my eyes like please don't hell at me and as a security guard that's not the persona security bosses like. 

Sit. 3

Well now I am feeling great. That's 2 pitfalls that I not only got through but succeeded beyond anything I can remember for a long time. So I'm feeling pretty great by now. So we go into the meeting and I realize I smell pot on me... my friends were smoking b4 work. Now I know for a fact it's not the pot that changed me b/c normally I am double paranoid when I'm high. So I'm standing in faily close quarters about 4 feet from my boss and I'm wondering if everyone else smells it. Not the first 2 things were a success but in this sit. I would be about urinating myself. I would be so incredibly paranoid I would probably end up looking psycho with my eyes going back and forth and then I'd say everyone sees how nervous and pathetic I am, they all think I'm just a loser pothead and I'm gonna get fired after the meeting. Instead I almost had a smile on my face. I immediately took the attitude that if I get fired, I'll just get another job. Plus it's a night club for crying out loud, they don't drug test, and they may not smell any of it to begin with. Well low and behold the meeting ended and I went about my business. 

3 situations that would have torn me apart and left me wondering how could I be such a loser, man I wish I was dead, I am hopeless yesturday, I have just gone through and now I have a half grin on my face. I was going around shaking everyones hand which I never am able to do because I don't want to look at them b/c I just know they think I'm a weirdo loser. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't wait to come back home and tell you guys. To top it all off, a really beautiful girl started talking to me a little towards the end of the night. Now we are not allowed to flirt but we can be a "host" so that means I can only flirt a little. Well I didn't flirt, that is still something I need to practice on my own, but I talked to her with almost no fear. Normally I'm trying to think of something to say that is just magic and will sweep her off her feet... at this point girls look at me and quickly turn the other dir. Well she stuck around for bout 10 min and then left. At this point my normal reacion is aww man, you blew it. You know what, she would never be interested in you anyway, you're such a dork... you get the point. Well instead I said well, next week I'll see her again and we'll se if she stands next to me again, I'll talk to her again. Right b4 we closed I saw her with another dude which... well you get the pic. I wouldn't have been happy. Instead saring with a blank look or nervously turning away, even though she was a good 10 feet away, I winked at her. I've always tried that but my face muscles are always so tense I can't pull it off but I did it like I was friggin Fred Estaire or something and smiled and she SMILED BACK!!! Again, this can't be happening. All because of the realization I have come to about using anger as a tool. Now I doubt I am cured or anything but it's something that worked and I am definately going to have to monitor how this progresses because I felt better tonight than I have in a LONG time. 
If you actually made it to the end, thanx for reading this and I will try to let you guys know if anything else comes of this little idea.


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## TheContrary (May 2, 2006)

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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

That sounds really great. Well done!


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