# Too scared to date-



## roadwarrior48

I actually am shocked that I haven't seem someone else post this somewhere- (it probably has been posted somewhere in the past, I just haven't seen it and I haven't been on this forum for long...)

I was asked on a date 2 weeks ago. I have depression and agoraphobia. (Social anx. with the agor. of course!)

Normally I do not EVER go to things anymore, but I went to this 'anxiety-safe' function.... have not dated for a LONG time, have not WANTED to date (for various valid reasons), now I've sort of been thinking about it... but my depression and Agora. has been MUCH worse the past few weeks.... wouldn't you know it- someone comes along when I am much more screwed up with anx. and depression than normal...

I think I can really fake very well how I look, as compared to how I feel. I can laugh and I think I might actually 'look' confidant, I know I was dressed nice, looked nice, but thought people would be able to sense the 'emotional crap' (of fear, depr., etc.), or see the facade that we can sometimes put on... you know- the veneer we can wear, when we feel HORRIBLE....

So this nice looking person walks up to me, starts chatting, we talk for about 10 mins, which is awkward because I haven't even really LOOKED at the opposite sex for a few years- he asked me to go out some time, and I really could barely 'compute' what he was saying! I mean, when you are really depressed with social anx. and agor., it SERIOUSLY takes a hit on the self-esteem and self-worth...

Thankfully (or probably to my detriment), I had somewhere where I needed to be right after I spoke to him. I imagine I will run into him again, which I actually am AFRAID of. Even though I WOULD like to go out with him if I wasn't so terribly DEPRESSED more than usual right now...

I wish there was a way to say- "Gee, I'd really LIKE to go out with you some time- but I'm QUITE screwed up right now, I need to get some of my psych. issues under more control. Could you ask me again in a few weeks or a couple months?"

Wouldn't that be nice if we could just put people on 'hold' like that? That's what I need right now. This seemed like a really nice person, really interested in me.... 

There's no way in heck I could say 'yes' at this point, I AM having a horrible set-back.... Cannot go anywhere with someone I don't know right now...
Dang...... just when someone comes along....

Do some of you just HATE YOURSELVES because of MISSED OPPORTUNITIES because of illness????? Because this is what I'm doing right now. VERRRRY much not liking myself....very much feeling like my life is being ruined and controlled because of anx/depr/agora.

Can't explain how horrible I feel. I used to not really mind being alone, now I think it would be nice to be with someone.


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## soulstorm

If you are prepared to be alone the rest of your life, go ahead and postpone the date, because this chance may never come again. Sadly I know this from experience.


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## jook

Hey RW: This ain't an easy one. I can see SOULSTORM's point when he says "the chance may never come again." I can also see your point in not wanting to add more fire to your current mental/emotional state. You know more than anyone,how much you can handle right now. Well, you can say, "It's just a date." But at this stage in life dating has more significance than when you're "21, and havin' fun". Things move quicker, and more directly towards attachment and hooking up. So, I respect that you're not taking a running jump off that cliff. But perhaps you could ease up to it a little. What if you tell him you're not interested in dating anyone right now but you can chat on the phone sometime, (just to keep the possibility open). That's probably what I would do


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## jrconnn

Maybe just meet for lunch and you pick where you feel comfortable.It could be a pleasant experience.Just a thought.


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## roadwarrior48

All good ideas. 
Yes- after taking a holiday from dating (8 or 9 yrs) I've realized that - gee- there are not as many opportunities to date as there used to be! Sad really, that it's slim-pickings! (Suppose everyone is 'happily' married!)
For now- terror rules. 
I think I have to get my depression under control right now.... (just started a different med. 4 days ago. The depr. is in the stage of 'gee, it's a dog food commercial and look how happy everyone is' and start to cry. Yeah- THAT stage of depression...)- I thought I might be able to fake it, but I just feel that I cannot represent myself properly right now... if I can get that under control, then I can be dealing more with just anxiety, not both.
We can all 'fake' that we're alright to get through things, which I've done a MILLION times but I'd hate to seem too depressed or messed up on the FIRST date. Heck- I WOULD run like hell if the guy was THIS depressed!
Maybe I can put him off for a while.....
You know what it feels like to be SOOO disappointed or HATE yourself because you've missed an opportunity because of chickening out of a situation? I REALLY feel this right now... but also- the depr. is bad... maybe I can put him on 'hold'- what can I say to him?
I'm going to this thing (at least I'm supposed to) on tues. in all goes well, and he might be there. What can I say to him to put it on hold?

I've been on a dating-free holiday for too many years to even remember this stuff... 
Thanks.


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## roadwarrior48

(I am now literally HYPERVENTILATING as I'm visualizing going to this thing Tues. with the possibility of seeing him.....damn, I'm too old for this crap.... the fear that is, not the possibility of dating. Haven't had anxiety for some time, to the point that I am hyperventilating. So discouraging to have a relapse- or re-entering territory that I have not been in for a long time.)


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## trs18

This is so weird, because I was thinking about posting
a thread about this. I missed my chance with a really
great guy last year, because I was so depressed and very
stressed because of school. He saw me at the lowest point
in my life, and it really sucks that he didn't talk to me sooner.
We took the same class for 3 years in a row, and he was 
too scared to talk to me.
Sorry if I'm venting, but it has been on my mind a lot lately (sigh)


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## jrconnn

I was thinking if you were to go,this guy might be struggling as you are and you might find common ground.If not, at least you get it out of you system and not blame yourself and move on.


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## roadwarrior48

trs18 said:


> This is so weird, because I was thinking about posting
> a thread about this. I missed my chance with a really
> great guy last year, because I was so depressed and very
> stressed because of school. He saw me at the lowest point
> in my life, and it really sucks that he didn't talk to me sooner.
> We took the same class for 3 years in a row, and he was
> too scared to talk to me.
> Sorry if I'm venting, but it has been on my mind a lot lately (sigh)


******
DANG! Can't you find that guy somehow? There HAS to be a way, start super-sleuthing- HEY- ask the instructor/prof.- you can get it out him!!!! THEN - you have to drum up the courage to call the guy!


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## roadwarrior48

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_!!!!! I was going to go to this thing tonight, where 'said dude in question' would be. 
I was beginning to jam out, but Jook was starting to make me feel accountable!!! :blank

So I was going to go, somewhat out of 'group accountability'. I wanted to show you guys that I could do it- to whatever degree I could...

DARN it!!!!! This thing is on Tuesdays, at SIX THIRTY P.M. 

I just read my emails - and LOW AND BEHOLD - they changed things and IT IS AT 5:30 today. They are having a potluck (I really don't know ANY of them yet) and potluck involves even MORE socializing than a somewhat coffee speaker/forum with some chatting.

If I leave now- I WILL BE AN HOUR late. And of course I do NOT have anything to bring for a potluck unless I ran to grocery store, which would mean I'd be even LATER, but WHO brings food an hr. late to a potluck? Who shows up to a potluck and HOUR late? Rather useless to even go now.

And of course upon arrival, everyone turns and looks. And of course- I'm sitting there not eating. Wow, THAT feels like it would be a comfortable situation...

DANG! I'm sitting here with NOTHING to do and that thing is going on right now. I didn't want to disappoint ME or you guys..... I missed last week b/c I was sick w/ a virus, so it'll be 2 weeks before I have a chance to see 'possible date dude'. 

Going to that thing tonight was a chance to possibly see this guy again (who asked me out but I chickened out because of anx./agora.), but I also had a real reason I couldn't) but it was also my thing this week where I could SEE and TALK to other humans, as I'm not involved in anything right now. DARN DARN DARN.

Oh look! It's SELF-LOATHING knocking on my door! Gotta go!

(Maybe next week I can go.....)


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## Yarg

Well, at least people ask you out. Be thankful you're not male because it's even worse for us. Having anxiety is bad enough, but then having to actually find and ask someone out...ugg. I get one of three responses from females...a creeped out expression, pretending i'm not there, or laughter.


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## Esugi78

If you miss it, you miss it roadwarrior, but you said there might be another event next week? Just try and go to that one then, beating your self up due to a situation you can't control won't do you any good :b


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## WoofWoof

I agree, so what you missed this one. Its probably a blessing because you were beginning to catastrophize over the man that showed an interest in you.
Take a breath, redirect your thoughts (if you can) and if you have someone to go along with you to the next event then you might feel more comfortable chatting a little with a man. This truly was not your last chance, but rather a door opening. Everything is perspective.
I didn't become comfortable dating until I hit my 40's when I finally realized EVERYONE is vulnerable and thinking about how THEY are being judged.
If I say something stupid and its pointed out to me I laugh and agree. Trust me, everyones insecure but the key is once you truly understand that then you can relax a little and not be terrified of not being perfect.


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## roadwarrior48

Yarg said:


> Well, at least people ask you out. Be thankful you're not male because it's even worse for us. Having anxiety is bad enough, but then having to actually find and ask someone out...ugg. I get one of three responses from females...a creeped out expression, pretending i'm not there, or laughter.


At least people ask me out? :hahaActually I have not been on a date in YEARS. (Although I have been avoiding dating as well, for various reasons.)
Now that I've gotten older and AM starting to WANT to meet someone, I don't even know where people meet anymore....

Come on, what kind of witch would LAUGH at a man when being asked out? Are you serious? You can't be serious.... not many women would do that....that's horrible....

Don't guys sort of get used to doing the asking? But I guess if a persons not asking regularly... that the problem I think. If we don't do something regularly, we can have way more anxiety about it. And I suppose it's not every day that someone asks someone on a date.... look at me! It's been years! But if I went out regularly, it wouldn't give me such anxiety....

Rejection is a terrible thing- my secret worry I guess, is that if I DO go out with someone on a date, I'm afraid they'll RUN from me because they can sense great anxiety or depression.... SERIOUS fear of rejection.... Not an easy thing. 
What if it was a world full of guys too afraid to ask gals out, and all the gals were too afraid to go out when they are asked?

We'd cease to exist as a society! Somehow we have to get it together.... I need to conquer fear of rejection somehow, that's a nasty one for a lot of us.


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## roadwarrior48

WoofWoof said:


> I agree, so what you missed this one. Its probably a blessing because you were beginning to catastrophize over the man that showed an interest in you.
> Take a breath, redirect your thoughts (if you can) and if you have someone to go along with you to the next event then you might feel more comfortable chatting a little with a man. This truly was not your last chance, but rather a door opening. Everything is perspective.
> I didn't become comfortable dating until I hit my 40's when I finally realized EVERYONE is vulnerable and thinking about how THEY are being judged.
> If I say something stupid and its pointed out to me I laugh and agree. Trust me, everyones insecure but the key is once you truly understand that then you can relax a little and not be terrified of not being perfect.


Wooooah! You're my hero. (Not kidding.) I need to adopt your attitude about dating. Wow. But people look so dang SURE of themselves though.... 
Did you ever SERIOUSLY fear dating? As is, hyperventilate and panic attack and chicken out after being asked or say no to dates when you wanted to say yes???


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