# Joke So Bad It's Funny



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Two fish in a fish bowl, one fish turns to the other and ask. Do you know how to steer this thing?


----------



## Ashley1990 (Aug 27, 2011)

Two birds in a nest ..just came out of their shell

One says..hey u stole my furry blanket....haha


----------



## JustThisGuy (Mar 24, 2012)

Two dogs are sitting on a sidewalk, one dog says to the other, "Nice weather, isn't it?" The other dog says, "Holy sh*t! A talking dog!"


----------



## emmanemma (Apr 16, 2012)

whats long, brown, and sticky









a stick =(


----------



## Craig788 (Apr 16, 2012)

^ lol


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

:um


----------



## AnotherRawAddict (Apr 21, 2012)

What do you call a cow playing a musical instrument

A Moosician


----------



## Grimsey (Apr 21, 2012)

Do you want to hear a joke about pizza? ... Nevermind, it's too cheesy!

I LOVE watching people's reactions to this joke.


----------



## Luka92 (Dec 13, 2011)

My cringe gland usually explodes when I hear these kind of jokes in real life, but this thread cheered me up a little bit.


----------



## AnotherRawAddict (Apr 21, 2012)

Have you guys heard about the scarecrow that got a nobel prize for being outstanding in his field?


----------



## Ashley1990 (Aug 27, 2011)

AnotherRawAddict said:


> Have you guys heard about the scarecrow that got a nobel prize for being outstanding in his field?


 Haha..yes it was the main Highlight in Birds nest newspaper...:boogie


----------



## KiwiGirl (Nov 13, 2011)

What do you call a pair of underwear thieves ???

A pair of knickers.


----------



## Frunktubulus (Jan 8, 2012)

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his mouth?
He drank tea before it was cool.


----------



## Nefury (May 9, 2011)

R91 said:


> What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
> Dam.
> 
> A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here." The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
> ...


You shouldn't be allowed anywhere near this thread!


----------



## Mia Q (Dec 30, 2010)

A man walked into a bar. 

It hurt.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

A cat crossed the road to meet the chicken.


----------



## Prometheus7 (Mar 22, 2012)

So funny that I forgot to laugh.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Nobody.

Nobody Who?

...

Nobody Who?


----------



## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange Who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

There's no need to cry!


----------



## eroscristina (Apr 20, 2012)

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him


----------



## Luka92 (Dec 13, 2011)

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fish.


----------



## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Why did it take Buddha so long to vacuum his couch? He had no attachments 

Why did the pony have to stay after school? He got caught horsing around

A:My dog has no nose 
B:How does it smell? 
A:Terrible

Why did the energizer bunny have to go to court?
He was charged with battery


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.


Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing


What was the Blonde doing in the tree?
Raking leaves of course.


Whats the best thing Patty can make?
Cake


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.


----------



## MF Doom (Mar 12, 2012)

- You know how Stevie Wonder's wife looks like? 
No
- Neither does he


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

What did the toaster say to the grilled cheese sandwich? You are toasted. I just made that up.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Why did the crow get scared? Because it sat on a scarecrow.


----------



## Stilla (May 13, 2009)

Luka92 said:


> Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fish.


:teeth


----------



## Neo1234 (Mar 6, 2012)

How to make a fool of water.?
Heat the water and then don't take a bath. =P


----------



## MrSoloDolo123 (Aug 2, 2010)

What do you call a person with no body and a nose? nobody nose.


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

* Knock Knock,*


* Who's There?*


* Banana,*


*Banana Who?*


* BANANA-RAMA! :banana:banana:banana:banana:banana*


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

A piece of string walks into a bar,
The bartender throws the string out saying; "We don't serve strings here!"

The string thinks for a minute, ties itself in a knot and teases it's ends and walks back into the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says: "Hey, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?"

String replies: " Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"


----------



## nonesovile (Dec 4, 2011)

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.​


----------



## xTKsaucex (Jun 23, 2010)

German joke:

Knock knock

Who's there?

The Gestapo


----------



## flykiwi (Jul 18, 2011)

R91 said:


> What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
> A pool table.


LOL this made me laugh. XD

Okay okay.. What's it called when you give money
to a bison???.. a buffaloan! ahah 
x_x


----------



## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

What does it say on a musician's tombstone?

I _didn't_ wake up this morning.


----------



## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

the Republican party


----------



## xTKsaucex (Jun 23, 2010)

Ape in space said:


> the Republican party


:clap


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

What would a mouse call this joke?

Dinner.


----------



## NoIce (Sep 10, 2011)

Why did the chicken commit suicide? 

To get to the other side.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

^ The Dark Meat side of the force, Am I right?


----------



## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

What's brown and sounds like a bell?









Dung!


----------



## typemismatch (May 30, 2012)

Knock Knock!

(pretend I'm not in)


----------



## Chris16 (Nov 1, 2010)

What did the stone say to the Rock?


He sa-IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE STONE SAID TO THE ROCK!


----------



## BlueScreen (Jun 16, 2012)

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "whats with the long face?"


----------



## ppl are boring (Jun 2, 2012)

A vampire walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The vampire takes out a used tampon and puts it in the glass of hot water.

The bartender says "what are you doing?". The vampire says "I'm making tea".


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

^wtf?

Lol!


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

ppl are boring said:


> A vampire walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The vampire takes out a used tampon and puts it in the glass of hot water.
> 
> The bartender says "what are you doing?". The vampire says "I'm making tea".


Haha, oh man.


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again. 
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar." 

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts. 
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?" 
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.


----------



## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee before it was cool.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

One day, a priest died and went to heaven. When he got to the golden gates, he saw the Apostle Peter standing behind a counter. And in front of him was a Taxi Driver. Peter handed the Taxi Driver a golden staff, and a silk robe, and said "Welcome to Paradise". The priest then got to Peter, and Peter handed him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest said, "What's the deal? Im a priest, and he was a driver. Why did he get the golden staff and silk robe, and me these cruddy things?" "Do not take it personally." Peter said. "You see up here, we judge things by your perfomance on earth. You see, while you preached, people slept. But while he drove, people prayed."


----------



## bigdan23 (Feb 28, 2012)

''Doctor Doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live''

Doctor: ''OK just wait over there a minute''


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Great white shark bites Justin Bieber, only to spit him back out. The other sharks ask why? The Great white says, he taste as bad as he sings.


----------



## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

two peanuts were walking down the street. one was assaulted.....



Van Gogh is at a bar. The bartender says to him, "can I get you a drink?" 
Van Gogh says, "no thanks, I've got one 'ere". 

Shakespeare is at a bar. he starts causing a commotion, thee-ing and thou-ing all over the place. the bartenders says, "you're barred!"


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

leonardess said:


> *two peanuts were walking down the street. one was assaulted.....*
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> This made me laugh so much.


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

A man is walking down the street with a big grand father clock. Another man bumps into him and the grand father clock smashes into pieces. The man with the clock says why don't you watch where your going. The other man says why don't you wear a wrist watch like everyone else.


----------



## Xenos (Jun 24, 2012)

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "would you like a martini?" Descartes says "I think not," and disappears.


----------



## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

I'm not even.... :doh


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Xenos said:


> René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "would you like a martini?" Descartes says "I think not," and disappears.


You stole that joke. I saw it on another thread. :sus


----------



## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

A gorilla walks into a bar, has one drink, and then leaves without saying a word. He then goes on a social anxiety forum to complain about his experience. True story.


----------



## Define Lies (Jan 17, 2012)

I was going to make a joke on chemistry, but all the good ones argon.


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

Mother and father onion are out playing with their baby onion in the street when the unthinkable happens and the little onion gets knocked down by a car.

The mother and father rush him to hospital. There the medical staff take over and the mother and father roll in circles around the waiting room for hours as the medical staff fight to save the baby onion's life.

Hours later the operating theatre doors swing open and the surgeon onion rolls over to the mother and father who at this stage are beside themselves with worry.

The surgeon onion, wiping sweat from his brow after the intensive duty which he has completed, asks for calm and informs the parents that there is good news and bad news. "I'll give you the good news first," says the surgeon onion. "Your son is alive. The bad news, I'm loath to report, is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Define Lies said:


> I was going to make a joke on chemistry, but all the good ones argon.


:clap


----------



## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

ccoop said:


> Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
> 
> Why did the Koala fallout of the tree? Because someone threw a fridge at him.


Rofl, that first one was hilarious. Kind of not even a joke, just a statement.


----------



## Monotony (Mar 11, 2012)

ppl are boring said:


> A vampire walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The vampire takes out a used tampon and puts it in the glass of hot water.
> 
> The bartender says "what are you doing?". The vampire says "I'm making tea".


Lol


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

A surly English overseer is standing at the entrance to a construction site in London. It’s a filthy, wet day. 

He sees approaching him a shabby figure, with clay pipe clenched in mouth and a battered raincoat, and scowlingly thinks, Another effing Mick on the scrounge. 

The Irishman shambles up to him and asks if there’s any casual job going. “You don’t look to me,” says the supervisor, “as if you know the difference between a girder and a joist.” “I do, too,” says the Irishman indignantly. “The first of them wrote Faust and the second one wrote Ulysses.”


----------



## Husker9019 (Aug 14, 2011)

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone? Because he was hit by a truck.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Husker9019 said:


> Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone? Because he was hit by a truck.


Awww.  lol


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

shelbster18 said:


> Awww.  lol


It's OK though Shelberino because he was on the organ donor register so his liver saved another little boy's life.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Jollygoggles said:


> It's OK though Shelberino because he was on the organ donor register so his liver saved another little boy's life.


:yay


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

shelbster18 said:


> :yay


But then that little boy's immune system rejected the transplant and he died days later due to multiple organ failure. 
His parents had gone to buy him an x-box at the time so he died alone.

I'm so sorry.


----------



## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

Jollygoggles said:


> But then that little boy's immune system rejected the transplant and he died days later due to multiple organ failure.
> His parents had gone to buy him an x-box at the time so he died alone.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


Epic. I lold, and I never laugh out loud.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Jollygoggles said:


> But then that little boy's immune system rejected the transplant and he died days later due to multiple organ failure.
> His parents had gone to buy him an x-box at the time so he died alone.
> 
> I'm so sorry.


:cry


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

From Gabriel Iglesias:

This little kid walked up to me one day with his arms curled upward. He said, "Excuse me sir, excuse me. I need medicine." I was like, "OMG, Are you okay? You need medicine?" The boy looked at his arms and replied, "Uh Huh, 'case these pythons are sick."


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

GameGuy said:


> From Gabriel Iglesias:
> 
> This little kid walked up to me one day with his arms curled upward. He said, "Excuse me sir, excuse me. I need medicine." I was like, "OMG, Are you okay? You need medicine?" The boy looked at his arms and replied, "Uh Huh, 'case these pythons are sick."


:teeth


----------



## pythonesque (Jun 16, 2012)

Buddha goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza. When the waiter asks him what he wants on it, he replies, "Make me one with everything."

Buddha orders a pizza. Half an hour later, the delivery guy shows up at his door with the pizza, and Buddha hands him a twenty dollar bill. The latter pockets the money and prepares to leave. Seeing this, Buddha asks him, "Where's my change?" to which the boy replies, "Don't you know that change comes from within?"


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Question: If Jesus was around today, what vehicle would he mostly likely own?



Answer: A "Christ"ler


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

GameGuy said:


> Question: If Jesus was around today, what vehicle would he mostly likely own?
> 
> Answer: A "Christ"ler


That made me laugh out loud.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

shelbster18 said:


> That made me laugh out loud.


Did it really? I thought it was more corny than funny.
And I'm the one who came up with it!


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

GameGuy said:


> Did it really? I thought it was more corny than funny.
> And I'm the one who came up with it!


Maybe I just find corny stuff funny.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

shelbster18 said:


> Maybe I just find corny stuff funny.


:b


----------



## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

Q: Who told the gorilla that he couldn't go to the ballet?

A: Just the people who are in charge of that decision.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Okay, this isn't a bad joke, but it is HILARIOUS!

Robin Williams once said, "Time is the best teacher. But unfortunately, it kills all of its students."


----------



## Gusthebus (May 22, 2012)

GameGuy said:


> Okay, this isn't a bad joke, but it is HILARIOUS!
> 
> Robin Williams once said, "Time is the best teacher. But unfortunately, it kills all of its students."


really GameGuy stealin my sig are you? :mum:b


----------



## Queen of Spades (Mar 17, 2012)

Why did the banana go to see a doctor?
Because it wasn't "peeling" well.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Why did the girl cry? Because a man told her to get off his lawn.


----------



## pythonesque (Jun 16, 2012)

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Gusthebus said:


> really GameGuy stealin my sig are you? :mum:b


I couldn't help it.

LOL! HE'S A COMEDY GENIUS MAN!


----------



## Define Lies (Jan 17, 2012)

If you take the 'D' out of 'medal', just watch those Ethiopians compete for the ultimate prize *


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

What's the worlds WORST joke, that everyone ALWAYS laughs at?


Your Face.


----------



## Luka92 (Dec 13, 2011)

Midget shortage.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

pythonesque said:


> What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
> 
> Bison.


Haha, I love that one.

Why did the apple turn brown? Because it was being a bad apple.


----------



## pythonesque (Jun 16, 2012)

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.


----------



## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

I was gonna tell a joke about my penis but it's too long.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Twelve Keyz said:


> I was gonna tell a joke about my penis but it's too long.


:haha


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Once a long time ago on a battle ship, the man in the crows nest suddenly shouted "CAPTAIN! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!" The Captain looked at his assistant and said "Bring me my red shirt". After he got his shirt, the Captain ordered his crew to open fire, and the battle lasted all day long. After the battle, his assitant went to him and asked "Captain, why did you have me bring you a red shirt?" The Captain replied, "Because, if I had happened to be shot during the battle, the crew would not have noticed my blood, and the would have continued to fight on." The next day, the man in the crows nest suddenly shouted "CAPTAIN! THERE'S TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" The Captain quickly looked at his assistant and said "Bring me my brown pants!"


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

What did the spoon say to the fork? Stick it in there. :teeth


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

shelbster18 said:


> What did the spoon say to the fork? Stick it in there. :teeth


I dont get it.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

GameGuy said:


> I dont get it.


That's why it's a lame joke.


----------



## CumulusCongestus (Jul 2, 2012)

Quick! Get rid of my used drum set! I don't want any repercussions.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

This isn't really a joke, but it's related.

I just had two AF pilots come to my desk and ask me if I know where a local Raquetball court is. I told them there's a tennis court just up the street a little ways. One of the pilots looked at his friend and said, "I have a tennis racquet but no balls. I got no balls." He friend looked at him and said, "Well we already knew that."


LOLOL!!!!!


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

What did the pipe say to the cigar? You are smokin'.


----------



## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

My favourite joke

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

^LOL!!


----------



## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

What happens when two snails get in a fight? They slug it out.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Why did the Hells Angel's fists always fight each other?

Because they Love and Hate each other.


----------



## Joe (May 18, 2010)

There was a fight in the chippy, the fish got battered.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

jJoe said:


> There was a fight in the chippy, the fish got battered.


Heh.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

One evening, my mothers friend was outside helping us with some yard work, when she bent over.

I was afraid the real moon would be to ashamed to come out anymore.


(true story)


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

What did the pencil say to the ruler? 

You rule.


----------



## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

^Hahaha.








to _i_: Get real! 
_i_ to







: Get rational!


----------



## Furious Ming (Dec 13, 2011)

Who is the world's greatest thief?

Atlas.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

Furious Ming said:


> Who is the world's greatest thief?
> 
> Atlas.


I don't get it.


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

One afternoon, my friend and I were talking. Just the typical chit chat. When he suddenly asked me, "Do you ever have Deja Vu?" I looked at him as said, "Didn't you just ask me that?"


----------



## ShadyGFX (Jul 18, 2012)

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. *ba dum tss*


----------



## GameGuy (Oct 5, 2011)

One day, the Dalai Lama walked into a pizza shop and asked to order a pizza. When the cook asked what topings he wanted, the Dalai Lama said, "Can you make me one with everything?"


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

Why did the pirate have a laptop? So he could pirate music.


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

I walked into Target but I missed.

I stole this joke.


----------



## typemismatch (May 30, 2012)

The aerobics instructor was found guilty of murdering her student. She got a long stretch in prison.


----------



## typemismatch (May 30, 2012)

knock knock

(hmm, that sound's like the door, except it was only two knocks, who the hell knocks with just two knocks, it's usually more like knock knock knock knock knock... nope it probably wasn't the door)

knock knock knock

(aw shiit someone's definitely at the door, i wonder who is there, maybe i should shout: "who's there?", but who the hell shouts who's there through a door)


----------



## typemismatch (May 30, 2012)

Paris Hilton walks into a bar, barman say: why the long face?


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

typemismatch said:


> The aerobics instructor was found guilty of murdering her student. She got a long stretch in prison.


----------



## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

algorithm - what happened when Al Gore finally learned to dance.


----------



## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

the other day i saw a guy behind the Indian takeaway, injecting himself with curry, poor *******.

a week later, he was found in a korma.


----------



## Insanity Within (Jun 15, 2012)

How do you make a door scream? 
you twist its knob


----------



## readingfan (Aug 10, 2012)

*Not sure if this counts as a bad joke, but here it goes.*

The following is a long joke that a friend gave me a long time ago, I call it the Anti-Target, but you can substitute any store you want to. Yes, for those of you that have read it before, I took some of them out.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

A blind man walks into a bar. He bumped his head and fell down.  ah so tasteful.


----------



## nork123 (Oct 22, 2009)

why did the condom fly across the room?

because it was p*ssed off


----------



## shelbster18 (Oct 8, 2011)

nork123 said:


> why did the condom fly across the room?
> 
> because it was p*ssed off


:teeth


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

Kid: What did the grape say when the Elephant stepped on it? 

Adult: I don't know, what did the grape say when the Elephant stepped on it? 

Kid: Nothing ... its just gave out a little wine.


----------



## Jcgrey (Feb 5, 2011)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


----------



## SteveD210 (Aug 22, 2012)

What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
Kara-tea.

Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.

Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

- Bigfoot has a big foot, does that mean he is one legged or is his other foot regular size? 

- I once took the milk out the fridge and poured some in a cereal bowl. Then I put the lid back on the milk and the bowl in the fridge. I see where I went wrong now. 

- I once got pulled over for going the speed limit. Went to court and the judge said he would drop the charge of speeding in a school zone. But I still got a ticket. 

- What do you call a baby Bigfoot? Small foot.


----------



## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

Your moma sooo uglleehhh when she went to a haunted house she came back with a job application


----------



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

How can you tell all letters are boys? Cause their all mail. :wink


----------



## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

What's my name?

Joe. 

No, silly, it's Bob.

*rimshot*


----------



## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

What's brown and sticky? 
A stick :rofl It's funny because it's true.


----------



## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

What's green and red and goes a million miles a hour

A frog in a blender 

What's green and brown and goes a million miles an hour 

Same frog 2 days later


----------



## loaner (Apr 15, 2014)

Why did the tomato run across the road? Because he wanted to Ketchup


----------



## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

Grog ha ha ha ha what a joke .


----------



## JustThisGuy (Mar 24, 2012)

When the drapes asked the carpet whether its colors matched, the carpet simply lied.


----------



## i suck at life (Mar 14, 2014)

yo momma so stupid, she bought tickets to see xbox live lol

heard that on youtube..made me loti (laugh on the inside)


----------



## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

Know why they call softcore porn soft? 'Cause it doesn't get ya hard!








Thank you. I'll be here all week.


----------



## IVthBeasty (May 2, 2014)

I got a tattoo recently. The tattoo is a box of laxitives, Why you ask?


BECAUSE I MAKE **** HAPPEN!!!


----------

