# Giving up on girls



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Have you ever reached the point where you honestly have given up on women?

I have.

I personally feel like I'll never get into a relationship with a woman. I just don't have the capability to be a boyfriend. I am kind, gentle, and intelligent, and these are things that are positive, but they aren't enough. I just don't have "whatever it takes" to go from being "the friend" to "the boyfriend."

However, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Whatever happens will happen. I'm just not going to chase girls anymore, or dream about love, because I was never meant to have it. Love from friends, yes, but from a girlfriend? Nope, it was never meant for me.

I am the stereotypical loner male bachelor, and that's the way it is and the way it will stay. Better to focus my efforts on making friends, than torturing myself over never having had sex or a first kiss. As far as I'm concerned, porn is the only real sex outlet I will ever have - so I might as well get used to it.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

The answer to getting what you want surely isn't to stop trying to get it.
You say you're kind, gentle, intelligent but those traits aren't "enough" to go from friend to boyfriend...but you're not the one who gets to decide what "enough" is.
Each individual girl gets to decide what "enough" is, for herself...so don't stop trying just because you haven't reached your ultimate goal yet. Just asking girls out should be the goal, so that you've succeed whether they are interested or not.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

A long time ago, even if a woman were attracted to me, constant attention over my appearance would prevent me from not feeling self-conscious, it's hard/would take too long to explain. Also, I need my privacy, I like to live alone.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

WintersTale said:


> Have you ever reached the point where you honestly have given up on women?
> 
> I have.
> 
> ...


Yes. Every word you wrote applies to me as well.


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## Ambivert (Jan 16, 2010)

The old words..."it will come when you least expect it" is so true. I've had it apply to me a couple times and it will apply to you too. Just get busy and don't desperately think about girls all the time, it will make you mentally better off. But try to cross getting busy with getting out there.


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## Harpuia (Apr 10, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> Have you ever reached the point where you honestly have given up on women?
> 
> I have.
> 
> ...


I was that way... for 3 years. Dunno what made me want to try again though.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

You never know, you might find once you stop chasing it it will fall into your lap.

I think it's good that you're comfortable with your singledom. That's where I've gotten to too right now - focusing on other things in my life, because finding a relationship just isn't working out. An SO isn't a requirement for happiness.

I hope you still value your kindness and intelligence, as they are wonderful traits. And if you ever do find yourself in a relationship, they are qualities that will make you a great boyfriend.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Are you going to try dating guys?


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## Jenikyula gone mad (Nov 9, 2009)

Do you work out? Do you work on your appearance? Are you attractive? Believe it or not, women do care about these things. Physical chemistry is what starts many relationships. If you are confident in your appearance, and work on looking as good as you possible can, you will attract more women. It's a sure thing, because you already sound like awesome boyfriend material. If you feel you have done all that you can, put in the maximum amount of effort into your appearance, don't give up. Keep putting yourself out there. You're young, and the world is filled to the brim with people. You'll find someone.:yes


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Im not ugly and im already ready to throw in the towel. I cant take care of myself let alone another person on top of it with depression and anxiety.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Pretty much so yeah. I think i would have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding a girl that i click with.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

nemesis1 said:


> Pretty much so yeah. I think i would have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding a girl that i click with.


You can change those odds by playing the lottery less or asking out more girls. In any case, you're in control of your odds.


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## Ivan AG (Sep 29, 2010)

Why does human existence revolve around sex and death?

All about being the "playa" and a pimp.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

VanDamMan said:


> Are you going to try dating guys?


Do you want my fist in your face?


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

Jenikyula gone mad said:


> Do you work out? Do you work on your appearance? Are you attractive? Believe it or not, women do care about these things. Physical chemistry is what starts many relationships. If you are confident in your appearance, and work on looking as good as you possible can, you will attract more women. It's a sure thing, because you already sound like awesome boyfriend material. If you feel you have done all that you can, put in the maximum amount of effort into your appearance, don't give up. Keep putting yourself out there. You're young, and the world is filled to the brim with people. You'll find someone.:yes


I appreciate the helpful, constructive place this advice comes from. Just a few things: attractive wud be a relative, subjective construct determined by more things than looks and it's not a static so asking someone if they are attractive is a tricky one. Some women will really care about looks but they will do so on relative, subjective ways so making himself look as good as he possibly can might be counter productive unless there's already been a decision made on what kind of girl he wants to attract or he's entered into a rapport relationship with a girl he wants to attract.

I've spoken to lots of women about this and many of them went personality, confidence in self, vibe, how they made them feel and then arrived at physical attraction. Those other things led to the development of the physical chemistry


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

All I can say is I felt like giving up, and for a while I have. Honestly, I think the feeling will keep arising no matter how hard we try, and not giving up and trying is what sometimes suppresses that loneliness, so to say I will forever quit with trying to find a girlfriend is probably pretty improbable. I am also pretty stubborn. It took me years and years to find the good things about me that I appreciate and still that isn't enough in most cases, and while in the past it may have mattered what I thought, it doesn't matter to others anyway in the big scheme of things.

We also tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. It just hasn't happened, but the real question for me is why hasn't it happened? This can be answered a million different ways or a million wrong ways, so all I can really say for sure is it just hasn't happened. I must admit though, it seems pretty ridiculous how hard it appears to achieve for some of us.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Ivan AG said:


> Why does human existence revolve around sex and death?
> 
> All about being the "playa" and a pimp.


Because sex is integral for existence. It is supposed to be a big deal.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> Do you want my fist in your face?


:lol


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> Have you ever reached the point where you honestly have given up on women?
> 
> I have.
> 
> ...


porn is the sole reason you're a loner
the porn has taken control over you it has brainwashed you into being an emasculated wimp
stop watching porn, and be a man, take whats yours


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## malaise (Aug 18, 2009)

Jenikyula gone mad said:


> Do you work out? Do you work on your appearance? Are you attractive? Believe it or not, women do care about these things. Physical chemistry is what starts many relationships. If you are confident in your appearance, and work on looking as good as you possible can, you will attract more women. It's a sure thing, because you already sound like awesome boyfriend material. If you feel you have done all that you can, put in the maximum amount of effort into your appearance, don't give up. Keep putting yourself out there. You're young, and the world is filled to the brim with people. You'll find someone.:yes


Okay this bothered me. Physical attraction may initiate a relationship but it won't keep it going. It's not as simple as that, "oh just work on looking your best and you're set!" Anyways, guys who invest too much into their appearance can be a turn-off, I personally find not giving a sh*t much more attractive. That being said, I don't think the O.P should be so pessimistic about his chances. Everyone has walls that need to be broken down before a real connection can develop, some more than others. It just takes time and the right person. Don't close yourself off yet


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

Yes. But it's nothing to do with the women. It's me that has the problem. I just cannot muster up any courage or boldness to ask someone out. Can't be done.

My self-esteem has hit rock bottom and has been there for some time. The last thing I want to do is further shatter it and have it affect other areas of my life which I am trying to hold together, like my job, my future projects etc. Just can't risk it.


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

Jenikyula gone mad said:


> Do you work out? Do you work on your appearance? Are you attractive? Believe it or not, women do care about these things. Physical chemistry is what starts many relationships. If you are confident in your appearance, and work on looking as good as you possible can, you will attract more women. It's a sure thing, because you already sound like awesome boyfriend material. If you feel you have done all that you can, put in the maximum amount of effort into your appearance, don't give up. Keep putting yourself out there. You're young, and the world is filled to the brim with people. You'll find someone.:yes


I think this is good advice, although it is common sense some guys sometimes just seem to ignore it due to laziness or other factors. I still feel I don't look my best, but I still am working on it. Still though, looks may not develop social skills or other stuff guys lack but it is a really good start and it can lead to confidence.

As for me giving up, I haven't given up yet. I just see life being very ****ty without having a gf. Given the circumstances I'm on now it seems like a long journey in getting a gf. There just seems to be so many obstacles I need to overcome, still though, the way I see it, trying to improve my chances with women is better than staying on my butt not doing anything.


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## anxiousnervous (Jan 7, 2011)

I'm going to give you the chance I never had. I implore you to go to this page:
http://www.scribd.com/mobile/documents/8963450?query=orgasm
download the pdf. Don't let the title fool you it is not about orgasms, but in all my life, this guy has the most accurate and honest view on the whole "how to get a women" thing. I am very interested if you read this, I will try and pm you to see what you think of it. The key part I got out of it is don't be a guy who appears to be easily available, and in fact you shouldn't be easily available to just any woman. Right now you may be so desperate that you think any woman is going to make your life whole. I have, as many other guys, been there, so don't take it personally. The woman you want should in fact be someone you like. I'm not going to go into everything because you have to read that book. I am telling you this because I don't want to go through life and get stuck with one or more catastrophic relationships, or worse to never have loved at all. My friend just read the book.


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## Teflon (Jan 10, 2011)

I am in exactly the same situation that you mentioned. I have tried dating on and off for years and consistently failed. I have never had a girl friend despite sporadic attempts over the years at dating. I have learned a few things from these painful experiences which I would like to share.

1. Firstly in my case the frequent failures with women are completely a result of anxiety. When dating I suffer from a range of symptoms including shaky hands, racing thoughts and a quivery voice at times (the anxiety seems to have caused low self esteem to). The harder I try not to do this the worse it gets. In the end I pay little attention to the women on the date as I am so wound up keeping my self together. I also stop being myself.
2. As a result of all the anxiety I suffer I have had extensive depression for a long time. When I got depressed I started looking for reasons why, the worst one being that the depression was a punishment for being weak.
3. I have since learned that the depression and my dysfunctional behaviours are not automatically linked as I thought they were. I have just completed a 8 week mindfulness course that I followed in a book and I am no longer suffering from depression even though I am still single. This has been a game changer for me, and if I can get the courage I will try dating again to see if the mindfulness has had any effect on my dysfunctional behaviour with women.
4. I figure it may allow me to be more natural and less anxious, maybe I can pay more attention to the date rather than spending all my energy trying to keep it together . Anyway the good news for me appears to be that I can remain dysfunctional but not have to suffer the depression. This is a good enough achievement, I hope it lasts. 

Good luck from a fellow sufferer


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

This may be a blessing in disguise for you, to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to get a girlfriend front. Not to say you will never have one, you could possibly have a gf in the future, but don't make it seem so mandatory, as there is so much more to life. I realize you have a few years on me and it can be annoying to hear youngings try and sound wise and such, but ever since I stopped putting pressure on myself to get a girlfriend or get laid, life has been much more pleasant. Hobbies give me constant enjoyment and the desire to move forward with life instead of getting stuck in a rut.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

I finally (possibly) have a GF after 4 1/2 years of SA misery. The night we first kissed (before the kiss), I remember off handily venting about how girls aren't attracted to nice guys. She said it wasn't their being nice that was the problem, just that they usually lacked confidence. I'd heard that a lot, but it's true. You can't be afraid to act, and at least with her, though I'd say I was a bit too timid for my own good that night, I still made damn sure I did act. 

I wouldn't have been able to do this a few months ago, I would have just let the moment fly by, wasting it. Don't hate yourself if you're not ready to make this sort of move just yet. Work on your own self confidence and self esteem first. When you feel you are ready, then make your move, and don't hate yourself if it goes wrong. Making it is an accomplishment in itself.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I kind of threw in the towel 3 years ago. But I still have a sex drive so that's always going to keep a small glimmer of hope alive, no matter what.

But I've never even been on a date before or even been friends with a girl. It seems like such an impossibility since I'm unable to hold conversations with women for longer than 1 minute.


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## Jenikyula gone mad (Nov 9, 2009)

joinmartin said:


> I appreciate the helpful, constructive place this advice comes from. Just a few things: attractive wud be a relative, subjective construct determined by more things than looks and it's not a static so asking someone if they are attractive is a tricky one. Some women will really care about looks but they will do so on relative, subjective ways so making himself look as good as he possibly can might be counter productive unless there's already been a decision made on what kind of girl he wants to attract or he's entered into a rapport relationship with a girl he wants to attract.
> 
> I've spoken to lots of women about this and many of them went personality, confidence in self, vibe, how they made them feel and then arrived at physical attraction. Those other things led to the development of the physical chemistry


I agree, attractiveness is subjective. However, things like good hygiene, good grooming, and physical fitness are not.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

I've given up on the entire human race. 

So at least you're not to that point yet.


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## fredbloggs02 (Dec 14, 2009)

Jenikyula gone mad said:


> I agree, attractiveness is subjective. However, things like good hygiene, good grooming, and physical fitness are not.


I respectfully disagree. Those seem like subjective words to me. Who knows? Maybe every one of those words adds up to something you relate to like I don't know "making an effort" and that phrase is a decidedly confident one to you. An attractive man is a man who "makes an effort" maybe. If I went to a gym I could easily come out a hairy builders bum like Homer Simpson with some premature muscles built on an underlayer of flabilicious fat professing to have peaked my physical fitness. Or maybe a gimpy little cross country runner...with sideburns and a little birdseye, bumfluff, crusty beard patch is how all men aspire to surpass eachother on the "physical fitness" front. Moreover that IS every girls' godlike vision of a man who exudes physical fitness is it not? If not I'd suggest these are subjective words too unless I miss the point..hehe.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

I know the feeling. It seems that being polite, and generally pleasant, and taking care of ones apearance is not enough. 

It's easier said than done to simply give up on girls...I do sometimes think ''I don't need anyone'' but something reminds me that i am missing out and it hurts. Unrequitted love is the worst feeling of all.

Porn is a bad idea in my opinion because it only leads to more frustration and it gives a twisted view of relationships/sex.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Well, I'm actually a bit of a metro sexual, in that I have really good hygiene, and I keep myself neat and trimmed.

I suppose the issue is of me being overweight. Girls don't like chubby guys.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> Well, I'm actually a bit of a metro sexual, in that I have really good hygiene, and I keep myself neat and trimmed.
> 
> I suppose the issue is of me being overweight. Girls don't like chubby guys.


My problem is probably avoidance. I am scared to **** (words can't adequately explain the fear) to ask other people for favours, help, companionship, etc., i.e. expressing my dependence in any way. Asking someone for romance would probably be harder than suicide for me.

I don't think my problem is looks. While I'm not good looking, I think I can reasonably state that I am not hideous looking either. Probably average looks for people from my ethnic group. But goddamn it if I proactively ask other people to confirm that. Wouldn't even ask my mum for her opinion, much less other people.


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## i a (Jan 5, 2011)

I wish I could. I can't. I need companionship.

I cannot give up on girls. I have always liked girls. I will always continue to like girls.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I've given up on men. I think I'm fully a lesbian now.


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## Mr. Frostie (Nov 2, 2008)

Maybe the girls would like you better if you didn't have a girl's haircut.

Just saying. :hide


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

My life's motto. :yes


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## beethoven (Jan 17, 2011)

Find something interesting to do, a passion, something you are absolutely in love with and pursue it with drive and determination, be good at it. It should be something that requires you to be active, so if you love watching TV it doesn't apply. It could be playing an instrument, singing, writing, painting, helping people, helping animals, whatever makes you feel fantastic about yourself. That will certainly attract women that admire what you do or that just admire your drive.

Oh, and losing weight will help too, most people are attracted to healthy-looking people, it's biological. So put an effort on living a healthier lifestyle.


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