# being a hermit



## hefferdoo (May 3, 2007)

i noticed that when i don't get out alot and am being a hermit my anxiety gets worse...like im unemployed right now but a few months ago when i was working i was fine and went out by myself all the time, like shopping and on walks and stuff, but now that im not working im used to being inside and im very dependent on my boyfriend, i won't leave the house unless he goes with me...my anxiousness like comes in waves..it will be really severe for months and then just go away for a few months...anyone else like this?


----------



## Jean (Jan 18, 2007)

i am totally like this. i went through a very bad spot a few years ago wherein i didn't go out for about 10 months and then when i did i was having a panic attack about every 5 minutes. i couldn't do anything for myself either. even just going to the grocery store was hell. 

that said, i really do prefer to stay indoors, at home. i worry sometimes that i stay home too much, but i just like to. since i've been on benzos it is much, much easier to do the things i need to do. so i often find that i stay home even more now since i don't fear that i will turn into an agoraphobic again. does this makes sense? probably not... but i do understand what you're going though. it is like the chicken or the egg deal, what came first? the anxiety or the solitude? :stu


----------



## outcastlonerfreak (May 4, 2007)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



Jean said:


> i really do prefer to stay indoors, at home. i worry sometimes that i stay home too much, but i just like to.


That's me exactly. Although the longest I have not gone out of the house is only four days I think, maybe even less. I have no idea exactly because I lose track of the time. I can never seem to remember the last time I went out of the house but that does not mean anything since my memory is generally terrible. Usually my mom gets me to go out every once in awhile even though I don't want to. I only go along with it because I don't want her or anyone else to know that something is wrong with me. Otherwise I would gladly stay in the house for ten whole months like you did. What a nice time that would be! I would love to not work for that amount of time!!


----------



## Labyssum (May 4, 2007)

I have the same problem...If I didn't have to go outside to shop, I probably wouldn't go out at all... :sigh I force myself to go out with my mom, I find it really helps going out with someone, going out alone is too stressful.


----------



## zarathustra55 (Mar 3, 2007)

I feel a little less anxiety when I'm out a lot, but I don't really talk more than I do when I hardly get out of the house....I guess I just wear myself out and stop being nervous after awhile...you would think that it would help me, but it really doesn't for some reason.


----------



## Anonymous Dude (Mar 25, 2007)

I stayed in for about a year, feel alot more comfortable not having to deal with anybody or anything. I'm still making up stuff I shoulda been doing that year.


----------



## Speak Easy (Jun 27, 2006)

i was out of school last year for something like 5 months when my SA was at its peak. the worst thing about becoming so reclusive is that it turns into a vicious cycle: you stay home instead of going out > you feel safe locked up in your room > you know don't wanna go out anymore > you become accustomed to living a reclusive life > you stay home instead of going out. so, when now put into a social situation your anxiety soars.


----------



## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

Being a hermit sounds good to me. I hate dealing with society(people) and their little self made laws and annoying ****ing quircks. It's all so damn complicated...and boring!

Staying in doesn't make my anxiety worse.


----------



## Speak Easy (Jun 27, 2006)

Logan X said:


> Staying in doesn't make my anxiety worse.


why would it? i mean, let's think about it in terms of ease. a cosy little room with an inpenetratable solid steel door packed with an endless collection of DVDs and other free personal entertainment would be the perfect place for someone with social anxiety. but is it healthy? i think not.
of course, if we do not face our problems and become misanthropes as we blame our problems on the rest of the world, we will feel better about ourselves, but is this healthy in the longrun? i think not.
i leave it at this: the easiest way out is not always the best way out.


----------



## Jean (Jan 18, 2007)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



outcastlonerfreak said:


> That's me exactly. Although the longest I have not gone out of the house is only four days I think, maybe even less. I have no idea exactly because I lose track of the time. I can never seem to remember the last time I went out of the house but that does not mean anything since my memory is generally terrible. Usually my mom gets me to go out every once in awhile even though I don't want to. I only go along with it because I don't want her or anyone else to know that something is wrong with me. Otherwise I would gladly stay in the house for ten whole months like you did. What a nice time that would be! I would love to not work for that amount of time!!


that was a very difficult time. i had saved-up a lot of money (easy to do when you never go out because you are afraid of, well, everything) and so i was able to live on it for quite a while. my anxiety has never been worse though. i couldn't even eat in restaurants it was so bad, and since i obviously wasn't getting help at the time i was drinking a lot. i have never been more messed-up and suicidal before or since. so when i stay home these days (like today) i sometimes start to fear that i will revert back to that state. it is a frightening place to be when you are afraid of everyone, including yourself.

but i don't mean to get on my soapbox here. by no means do i actually take my own advice. even now i only talk to two people regularly and one of them is my psychiatrist, once a week. i feel like i should add that she thinks my hermit tendencies are ok, she just wants me to get more exercise. go figure. :sigh


----------



## Jean (Jan 18, 2007)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



LDG 124 said:


> i was out of school last year for something like 5 months when my SA was at its peak. the worst thing about becoming so reclusive is that it turns into a vicious cycle: you stay home instead of going out > you feel safe locked up in your room > you know don't wanna go out anymore > you become accustomed to living a reclusive life > you stay home instead of going out. so, when now put into a social situation your anxiety soars.


 :yes totally. add subsequent (or pre-existing) depression to that mix and you something that is pretty difficult to recover from.

one other thing though: i find that if i stay home and do productive, creative things i tend to feel less guilty because i have a purpose for staying in. when i draw or paint or work on music all day i actually feel pretty good about myself! :boogie


----------



## Billygruff (Feb 24, 2007)

Being an unemployed hermit has made me very weak physically from lack of movement/exercise, and seriously dented my brain functions and especially further damaged my fragile social skills. Also, im not the only one hurt, as my family has to deal eith me each day and being from a conservative culture only intensifies the pain as people view weirdness and mental illness as a shifting from society's conforms. Ahhhhhh i suck.


----------



## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

_And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in._

I have my moments. I mostly work and come home, but I do go out ocassionally. If I didn't, I'd probably lose my mind, whatever is left of it.


----------



## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

I went from going to school regularily, out daily, to being a hermit. There was a point where I'd go into town maybe once a month at most. (lived miles out of town, rural home) So I was only out with family or alone with nature. When I got back more integrated with society, my anxiety was far LESS of a problem than it had been since... well maybe since I was 12 or younger. I don't see how getting over exposed every day helps anything --- it makes things worse. After my 'hermit time' it's really been an almost miraculous change in severity... still a problem but less. Though I wasn't really a hermit because of anxiety... that was part of it but I had other circumstances. I don't see whats so bad about it either. I still got exercise, stayed healthy, studied for fun (learned more than I did in school!), and interacted socially online... all that good stuff.


----------



## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



Speak Easy said:


> i was out of school last year for something like 5 months when my SA was at its peak. the worst thing about becoming so reclusive is that it turns into a vicious cycle: you stay home instead of going out > you feel safe locked up in your room > you know don't wanna go out anymore > you become accustomed to living a reclusive life > you stay home instead of going out. so, when now put into a social situation your anxiety soars.


thats so damn true...but knowing it isnt changing anything :hide


----------



## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Doesn't matter if I'm hidden away (which is 95% of the time) or out in the community around thousands of people.

I'm still alone.


----------



## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



libbyberk83 said:


> Doesn't matter if I'm hidden away (which is 95% of the time) or out in the community around thousands of people.
> 
> I'm still alone.


Ever live in a small town? I wonder if you did because of how it might compare to more populated places. I've had suprising experience of SA or lack of SA in different pop density areas (anonimity?)


----------



## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

*Re: re: being a hermit*



Mayflower 2000 said:


> Ever live in a small town? I wonder if you did because of how it might compare to more populated places. I've had suprising experience of SA or lack of SA in different pop density areas (anonimity?)


I live in a suburb of 60,000. My neighbors live a few feet away on all sides, yet we don't converse. It's typical Minnesota - we're nice and polite, but we don't get involved.

The thought of living in a small town or down south scares me.

I like the anonymity, but it's too easy to be a recluse.


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Now that I'm moving away to live on my own (2.5 hour drive from my parents), I'm a bit concerned that I will have extremely few social contacts. I will know three people near my apartment, but only one of them is someone I'd call a friend (and coworker).

I'm going to try to give myself exposure exercises to make myself become more comfortable with eating out alone. I think it would be psychologically beneficial to become comfortable doing this, even if I wasn't sitting with anyone. It's better than shutting myself in my apartment all day during non-work days.


----------



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I think that we need to try doing the opposite of what we have done until now. "Do what you've always done, get what you've always got".

Something that has clicked for me lately is this over-riding sense of perfectionism I have about EVERYTHING. I cant just go out - I have to go out, make the entire city laugh, get the girl and have a dance off with Michael Jackson (and win) just for the evening to be acceptable.

So heres my list of opposites to try:

1) Stay in and play computer / Go out of the house and see people this weekend
2) Expect god himself to attend the club I'm at / Expect an average evening
3) Be super cool, smooth and a sex bomb / Behave in an average way
4) Hold an entire room of people rapturously drawn to me / Be averagely interesting
5) Have something to say ALL THE TIME / have some silences and boring moments

It makes me feel relaxed to think I might not be cracking a whip over my head all evening.

On top of the external focus I have been using and talking about myself a little more, I'm intersted to see what happens with this lot.

Ross


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Nice list, yeah_yeah_yeah. 

I'm a perfectionist in some regards, but I don't think I've held such high expectations for myself when I go out. Nevertheless, I'm glad you're getting away from pressuring yourself into expecting perfection in social contexts (which are out of our direct control). 

I can definitely echo your thought that we should start doing the opposite of what feels safe/comfortable. I'm obviously not suggesting we walk on the edge of a cliff, but I instead refer to getting rid of those safety behaviors that we intellectually think aren't actually so helpful in practice.

Most fears aren't grounded in what is most likely to happen. Reality, while not perfect, is a HELL of a lot better than what our fear-riddled minds tell us it is.

I am actually excited to get settled in my apartment and have some average nights out!!!!!


----------



## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

Almost four years ago now, I was pretty much housebound. I dropped out of college, and because my family was going through some issues, my parents didn't do anything about the fact that I wasn't in any condition to return to school or find a job. I was left alone at home all day, and that was fine with me. I got used to not being around anyone, always felt that everyone was judging me, and I had all day to convince myself of those things. This of course made my anxiety worse. Whenever I was convinced to leave the house, I could not even go into a store and buy something by myself without freaking out. I did not want to interact at all with the cashier. I thought I would look stupid somehow.
I would never want to go back to that life again. Now when I go into a store by myself and buy something, I still think of those days.


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

MadLib said:


> I used to stay in the house and never go anywhere. These days I try to have something to focus on like school or work, though I'm having trouble holding jobs...
> 
> I usually take at least one class, but no more than two. There is still so much free time in between. I try to run errands like get the groceries and what not or take a walk. Doing something productive usually makes me feel better when I come home and veg out.


Yeah, I've always experience some guilt if I'm lounging around without any productive accomplishments for the day. If I have a job though, I can relax all weekend guilt-free.


----------



## Wolfen (Apr 26, 2004)

Nah, it IS ok to be a hermit. It's only society that wants to make these people feel bad about themselves, since it doesn't fit into their ideal situation of the "Happy Family". Having to pay extra if you go alone on vacation would be one piece of evidence of this. Another would be that you can always win TWO tickets for this-or-that, instead of just one. And then there's that ridiculous $$$-day most people refer to as Valentine's Day.

I don't mind being looked upon by most people as a hermit/weirdo/person to avoid. If they have a problem with me acting the way I do, that's ts for them, not for me. I LIKE my own company. It's only when I have to be around people that my self-confidence drops now and then. 

I say now and then coz sometimes I have these "I'm different than most people and therefore superior" moments. And that feeling I like A LOT.
To me being different is good. Different in a good or a bad way, that makes no difference to me. I HAVE to be different.


----------



## fraidycat (Oct 29, 2004)

> Something that has clicked for me lately is this over-riding sense of perfectionism I have about EVERYTHING. I cant just go out - I have to go out, make the entire city laugh, get the girl and have a dance off with Michael Jackson (and win) just for the evening to be acceptable.


i never seen it put this way before, but *raises hand* I get like this too. If I'm not the "belle of the ball" I feel unimportant, disliked or something. I missed out on so many significant events (prom, graduation etc..)because of this mentality. It's so stupid and unnecessary. I mean, really, we don't need to put so much pressure on ourselves to enjoy things or to be a part of something. Especially if it means missing out on more of 'life'. I like the approach of trying to be ok with being/feeling average.

Come to think of it, one of the most confident, popular people i know comes across as pretty plain. She's attractive and successful, but doesn't flaunt it. Nor does she necessarily dress the best, have the funniest stories, wittiest remarks or anything. She's just herself, not showy, edgy or pretentious. During conversations she's more likely to hang back and go with the flow then control what's going on. Maybe there's something to it...


----------



## BeachGaBulldog (Feb 13, 2007)

I always have been more of an "inside" person. My parents always tried to get me to go outside more. Pretty funny when most kid's parents didn't want them to stay outside so much. Its part of my "comfort" zone. I hate going to places where there are lots of people. Always have. One thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE is going to the grocery store.


----------

