# My online boyfriend



## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I found my boyfriend here, right here, on this website a year ago but we haven't met yet in person cause of our social anxiety and because we live way too far from eachothers (not even the same country).

I make a little less than $10 a month (my country is very poor with lots of scarcity) and he is working but what he makes, he spends in rent, etc. 

I think it's about time for us to meet but I don't know how to tho, I thought about making a gofundme thing but I don't know if people will really care enough to help us save and found the money to meet? And how to promote it? I don't have many friends...

Any advice? Thank you very much. :kiss::laugh:


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

What job pays less then 10 bucks a month ... it is unreal because it does not hold in economical sense.
Even if you are from Afghanistan which has lowest minimum wage you would earn like 84 USD.

Basically ... it does not hold water and I don't understand why do you need to make up things. It's ****in* ridiculous.


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## Ignopius (Mar 19, 2013)

10 dollars a month is going to go nowhere in the U.S. Maybe just give what you have and your bf can fund the visit?


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## identificationunknown (Jan 23, 2014)

awww.. this is such a cute love story.

How about you try fund raising or make a donation thread?

Wishing you all the best!!!


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## Kanova (Dec 17, 2012)

Reasons LDRs don't work


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## Fat Man (Nov 28, 2013)

So how do you guys communicate, through Skype or something?


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## Nonsensical (Mar 29, 2013)

NanoStar SOUL said:


> So how do you guys communicate, through Skype or something?


She uses her 10 dollar internet subscription of AOL.


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## SuperSky (Feb 16, 2011)

While I'm a bit sympathetic, 1 year is child's play. Try 6 and get back to me then.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> I found my boyfriend here, right here, on this website a year ago but we haven't met yet in person cause of our social anxiety and because we live way too far from eachothers (not even the same country).
> 
> I make a little less than $10 a month (my country is very poor with lots of scarcity) and he is working but what he makes, he spends in rent, etc.
> 
> ...


De que pais sos ??



RuNNer90 said:


> What job pays less then 10 bucks a month ... it is unreal because it does not hold in economical sense.
> Even if you are from Afghanistan which has lowest minimum wage you would earn like 84 USD.
> 
> Basically ... it does not hold water and I don't understand why do you need to make up things. It's ****in* ridiculous.


Not quite, if this is a job that pays "under the table" it could happen. Jobs like babysitting, cleaning houses and so on would make you that money if you don't do it every week, you know like they are not permanent jobs.


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## lizzy19 (Jun 16, 2012)

Hopefully everything works out for you


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

RuNNer90 said:


> What job pays less then 10 bucks a month ... it is unreal because it does not hold in economical sense.
> Even if you are from Afghanistan which has lowest minimum wage you would earn like 84 USD.
> 
> Basically ... it does not hold water and I don't understand why do you need to make up things. It's ****in* ridiculous.


Hey, thank you for being so rude. 
First of all, I'm not going to go through all the explanation of how the inflation works in my country and why do we get paid so little and basically why we have currently the worst minimun wage on earth cause you won't believe me anyways... my country is Venezuela and yes, it's about $18 a month but where I work, I don't make much. What do you want me to say? Is it my fault? Is it?

Yeah we have been comunicating through Skype.

And no, it's not a babysitting job, I work in a very recognized radio station here as a producer but I don't get paid ****. That's how reality is HERE. And if you don't believe me then START reading about WORLD news.

Seriously, I don't even know why did I post this here. People in this forum has always been rude/not helpful at all.

Is this really what we call a helpful forum? No wonder why we all have social anxiety if we're all mean to others. :frown2:


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## foe (Oct 10, 2010)

Nonsensical said:


> She uses her 10 dollar internet subscription of AOL.


I recently read somewhere that there are still 2.5 million Americans using dial-up connection through AOL.

No joke!


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

To everyone sending good wishes thank you very much


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## zoslow (Jun 2, 2014)

I hope it works out for you so that you can meet. Maybe try that gofundme thing.

I know what it feels like to be in your situation. In my case it took too long for us to meet up and she ended up finding somone else... ahwell. Best of luck.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

Man. If I could give you money I would. Well, i may be getting a job soon. Maybe if I can get $500 I'll send it to you if we keep in touch (hope that didn't come off as creepy). You wouldn't owe me back a single dime either. 

I've never lived in poverty, but I've always empathized with it. Some people will just be thick headed beasts that will never understand.


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## londonguy202 (Jan 10, 2014)

Caramelito said:


> To everyone sending good wishes thank you very much


good luck and wish you all the best. hopefully you can meet him oneday


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Caramelito said:


> Is this really what we call a helpful forum? No wonder why we all have social anxiety if we're all mean to others.


Bitterness? Jealousy? Bad moods? Random hate? I don't know what's up with some of the replies in here. They are not impressive, for sure.

Crowdfunding isn't realistic for something like this. It might be possible to find a single benefactor or two who would pay for the entire cost (depends on your connections with other people), but you're probably not going to get 1,000 random people to donate $5 each.

If you're stuck making so little, then any trip funding is going to have to come from your partner, and that may be a lot to ask for someone who's just making enough to pay rent.

If a meeting isn't going to happen soon (or at all, or only as a 'one-time thing'), then it would be time to think about the future of the relationship and what exactly you want out of it: Are you both going to be in this for the long-term while _not_ seeing each other over long periods of time (if at all)? Would one of you be open to eventually moving to the other's location? There will be some things to consider.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Hey, thank you for being so rude.
> First of all, I'm not going to go through all the explanation of how the inflation works in my country and why do we get paid so little and basically why we have currently the worst minimun wage on earth cause you won't believe me anyways... my country is Venezuela and yes, it's about $18 a month but where I work, I don't make much. What do you want me to say? Is it my fault? Is it?
> 
> Yeah we have been comunicating through Skype.
> ...


Nah, of course it's not your fault. But when you wrote "less then 10 USD a month" it sounded like you have regular paying job. Radio station seems like regular paying job but yeah, Venezuela is in deep shi* right now, I got contacts there, they tell me there is no toilet papers in the store. Nicolas Maduro should pack his bags.

Ah come on I didn't want to be rude, just realistic. I treat everyone with disrespect until I see they deserve otherwise. Also it's somewhat hard to understand my reality checks because I seem brutal and I am ... hah .. You know the story about the scorpion and a frog? Scorpion asks a frog to carry him over the river and frog agrees and then scorpion stings a frog and frog says: "Why did you sting me now we gonna both drown!", a scorpion replies: "Ahhh it's in my nature!". So welll, maybe it's my nature to be like this.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Hey, thank you for being so rude.
> First of all, I'm not going to go through all the explanation of how the inflation works in my country and why do we get paid so little and basically why we have currently the worst minimun wage on earth cause you won't believe me anyways... my country is Venezuela and yes, it's about $18 a month but where I work, I don't make much. What do you want me to say? Is it my fault? Is it?
> 
> Yeah we have been comunicating through Skype.
> ...


What ? I gave the example of babysitting and stuff and I did believe you and was using that example to show that earning that kind of money is possible. Why do you start telling me to read about world news and those kind of things ?


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

sajs said:


> What ? I gave the example of babysitting and stuff and I did believe you and was using that example to show that earning that kind of money is possible. Why do you start telling me to read about world news and those kind of things ?


No hablaba de ti, tranquilo.
(I wasn't talking about you, don't worry)

Your example was completely valid.:wink2:


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> No hablaba de ti, tranquilo.
> (I wasn't talking about you, don't worry)
> 
> Your example was completely valid.:wink2:


Ah ok, no sabia que venezuela estaba TAN mal. Tenes planes de quedarte o de irte ?


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

sajs said:


> Ah ok, no sabia que venezuela estaba TAN mal. Tenes planes de quedarte o de irte ?


Pues si muy mal, además tenemos un control cambiario bastante fuerte, entre otras cosas como inseguridad, escasez de productos básicos, etc.

De irme tengo muchas ganas pero el problema es de dónde saco el dinero. :frown2:

Aquí no hay futuro.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Pues si muy mal, además tenemos un control cambiario bastante fuerte, entre otras cosas como inseguridad, escasez de productos básicos, etc.
> 
> De irme tengo muchas ganas pero el problema es de dónde saco el dinero. :frown2:
> 
> Aquí no hay futuro.


Aca en argentina tambien hay control cambiario, la inseguriad hay bastante pero tampoco estamos en un limite se podria decir (estoy seguro que hay lugares mas peligroos), la escasez de productos basicos la sufrimos un tiempo y me parece que ahora va a empezar a pasar otra vez.

Tambien, para usar uno de esos sitios no tendrias que tener una cuenta en el banco en usd ? Si tenes un pais tan estricto con el tema va a ser dificil, a menos que la habra el chico a quien queres visitar si no tiene esta restriccion. No?


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Yeah, I know this problem... I met most of my ex gfs online, whether it be through forums like this or dating sites, and a two of them unfortunately never moved past that phase. It's funny, because, as naïve as it may sound, I was actually seriously considering marrying my last gf who was also a LDR. I immediately started saving, looking into living in her country, all that. And then, all of a sudden, she was gone! There were supposedly a billion reasons for this, but I was incredibly hurt nontheless. Maybe, in a way, I still am. 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need to ask yourselves a few questions. Now, I know from experience you probably do not want to hear this, and I hate being "that" guy, but:
a) Do you both have enough money to eventually move past this online stage? And if not right now, is it possible that you can change this within a reasonable amount of time?
b) Is either of you, or both of you, prepared to and capable of emigrating to the other's country?
c) Are you secure enough in these feelings, and I mean *really* secure enough in your feelings for each other?

Anyway, best of luck to both of you!


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

sajs said:


> Aca en argentina tambien hay control cambiario, la inseguriad hay bastante pero tampoco estamos en un limite se podria decir (estoy seguro que hay lugares mas peligroos), la escasez de productos basicos la sufrimos un tiempo y me parece que ahora va a empezar a pasar otra vez.
> 
> Tambien, para usar uno de esos sitios no tendrias que tener una cuenta en el banco en usd ? Si tenes un pais tan estricto con el tema va a ser dificil, a menos que la habra el chico a quien queres visitar si no tiene esta restriccion. No?


Si, tengo un amigo en Argentina que me cuenta sobre todas estas cosas y es bastante parecida la situación porque la Krishner se ha venido copiando de todas las cosas malas del gobierno de Maduro y Chavez.

Si, el chico es de Estados Unidos. No tiene esta restricción.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

Metalunatic said:


> Yeah, I know this problem... I met most of my ex gfs online, whether it be through forums like this or dating sites, and a two of them unfortunately never moved past that phase. It's funny, because, as naïve as it may sound, I was actually seriously considering marrying my last gf who was also a LDR. I immediately started saving, looking into living in her country, all that. And then, all of a sudden, she was gone! There were supposedly a billion reasons for this, but I was incredibly hurt nontheless. Maybe, in a way, I still am.
> 
> I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need to ask yourselves a few questions. Now, I know from experience you probably do not want to hear this, and I hate being "that" guy, but:
> a) Do you both have enough money to eventually move past this online stage? And if not right now, is it possible that you can change this within a reasonable amount of time?
> ...


Thanks for your answer Metalunatic 
a) He does have some money saved, I don't, even if I tried the currency that we have in our country is worhtless, I could change my situation in a reasonable amount of time (let's say one or two more years) but this is just if I get a better scenario, enviroment, job, with more sacrifices, etc.

b) I am capable of, the thing is that money is also needed, any kind of visa needs money, specially the fiancé visa. This is an option, but it is going to take some time.

c) I am secure enough in the feelings we have for eachothers, but at the end of the day like someone said above, sometimes what your heart wants is not realistic, maybe this will end up being like a platonic love cause yeah, how are we going to make it work longlasting? Even tho that's not an issue for me, I'm very patient. He's just not that much.

But then... How do you let go someone you "love" just like that  ?


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## Surly Wurly (May 9, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Is this really what we call a helpful forum? No wonder why we all have social anxiety if we're all mean to others. :frown2:


the posts in this thread are completely toxic, don't take it as representative of what humans are like

theyre probably just getting cancer from the fact that you have a partner. hope you get to meet your boo and be happy


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Surly Wurly said:


> the posts in this thread are completely toxic, don't take it as representative of what humans are like
> 
> theyre probably just getting cancer from the fact that you have a partner. hope you get to meet your boo and be happy


No, no, take it exactly as a representative of what the majority of humans are like. But there are some exceptions.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

Surly Wurly said:


> the posts in this thread are completely toxic, don't take it as representative of what humans are like
> 
> theyre probably just getting cancer from the fact that you have a partner. hope you get to meet your boo and be happy


Thank you very much Surly Wurly :kiss: :nerd:


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## Surly Wurly (May 9, 2015)

sajs said:


> No, no, take it exactly as a representative of what the majority of humans are like. But there are some exceptions.


noone i know irl has reason to get all butthurt just because someone has a partner, its pretty normal



Caramelito said:


> Thank you very much Surly Wurly :kiss: :nerd:


yw

gotta say i'm still getting used to the vibe on this forum :L


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## Fooza (Sep 4, 2013)

You won't get much financial advice on here, after all this is a place is to support mostly emotional problems.

Having said that, you could sell your personal items/clothes/computer if you're desperate to get a flight ticket. 'Love' does all sorts of desperate things to people.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Surly Wurly said:


> noone i know irl has reason to get all butthurt just because someone has a partner, its pretty normal
> 
> yw
> 
> gotta say i'm still getting used to the vibe on this forum :L


I am not talking about if they have reasons or not. I am just saying that people usually act this way. That.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

I think he should be the one visiting you, unless you are going for a one way ticket, in that case it should be you to move from Venezuela.


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## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

The safest way for you and him to meet is in the US. And according to your economic situation he would have to buy you a ticket.
I don't see any other better way.

BTW, who is he?


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

WTFnooooo said:


> The safest way for you and him to meet is in the US. And according to your economic situation he would have to buy you a ticket.
> I don't see any other better way.
> 
> BTW, who is he?


His username is jhat


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree with the person that said to sell things. It's something easy to do on the side. Try to think of an item that may not be easily available to people in the US that you can sell maybe on eBay? Or just start off selling goods you own? Sell baked goods? Babysit? Since your boyfriend is a US resident maybe he can try something like mTurk to earn money on the side. 

I also agree with Just Lurking that crowdfunding doesn't seem to be realistic for this. 

I would think try to accumulate as much money as possible, then check to see if you can do something like a working holiday visa or a temporary working visa in the US. I would think it'd be a lot easier for you to earn more money then especially if you could live with him while you work there and it'll give you time to get to really know if this is a person you want to be with. Since it's a temporary thing, you can always go back.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

pineapplebun said:


> I agree with the person that said to sell things. It's something easy to do on the side. Try to think of an item that may not be easily available to people in the US that you can sell maybe on eBay? Or just start off selling goods you own? Sell baked goods? Babysit? I'd personally try to sell things online though since it's less time consuming and easier to do on the side.
> 
> I also agree with Just Lurking that crowdfunding doesn't seem to be realistic for this.
> 
> I would think try to accumulate as much money as possible, then check to see if you can do something like a working holiday visa or a temporary working visa in the US. I would think it'd be a lot easier for you to earn more money then especially if you could live with him while you work there and it'll give you time to get to really know if this is a person you want to be with. Since it's a temporary thing, you can always go back.


I agree 100% I have been thinking of babysitting / au pair, cause I have tried to get the work visa but there's like no job avaliable for me and I have a bachelor of science in communication but nothing, it seems to be easier to get there as an inmigrant than the right way. I also applied past year for the 2016 Diversity Visa Lottery but didn't win it either.

:crying:

Isn't it funny how there are too many "bad" latino inmigrants there living perfectly fine and young people like me who wants to have a chance to meet the loved one can't even visit?


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

I'm sorry that just sounds awful ):


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

You know what I think ... hah ... I really think in natural works of order of this ... or at least part of normal function of nature ... when a girl just have no options then guy must step up.

Like my grandad used to say: "You have to be a captain, sometimes sea weather will be ****ed up, sometimes sea will be calm like oil but good captain does the best no matter what. And enjoys his pleasures in mean time".

For example, problem ... it's a hole. Two people have a hole in front of them. They need to jump into the hole but realistically neither of them wants to go first. Because woman and men are equal. BUT, even if girl says she gonna go first ... man should step up, do whatever he MUST do, not that he CAN do, but MUST do so everything either goes good or not ... then it's a just sad story. But male must try, male ... male must be a rock hard rock, when everything falls apart, when your home is take, when your money is taken ... then male steps up and leads on to better future. Like in a war. That's what I think.


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

^ Exactly. Society want us to believe men are disposable.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I don't think men are disposable.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

M0rbid said:


> ^ Exactly. Society want us to believe men are disposable.


No it means that woman and children can be careless but men should not have that luxury.

If you are careless then you don't think too much. When you think about something for a long enough you will find a way. Same principle is with money which is needed. Man needs to think. Process. Risk. Gather.

In my opinion that's natural way of how things work since time of memorial. And odds were pretty good for humans.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> Thanks for your answer Metalunatic
> a) He does have some money saved, I don't, even if I tried the currency that we have in our country is worhtless, I could change my situation in a reasonable amount of time (let's say one or two more years) but this is just if I get a better scenario, enviroment, job, with more sacrifices, etc.
> 
> b) I am capable of, the thing is that money is also needed, any kind of visa needs money, specially the fiancé visa. This is an option, but it is going to take some time.
> ...


You're welcome. Yeah, it sucks how money makes the world go around, doesn't it? Been there... It's an amiable goal you have, to try and change your situation, especially considering your SA (which I'm assuming you have since you're on here! ) That's how I always felt about it too; if someone was worth it in my eyes, she'd get my dedication and I'd not be afraid of any and all setbacks, nor let anything get in my way. Except it was often the woman in question that *got *in the way, ironically. Or out of the way, if you want to get technical. :lol

It kind of bothers me you say your bf is not a very patient guy, though. It should always be a two way street, and especially in LDRs, both of you should be commited to it in roughly equal proportions, otherwise one of you is going to feel like they are carrying all the weight, feeling like you are less important to your partner than you are to them, that sort of thing. So be sure to keep that in mind; never make that mistake of being the one to do all the work, especially since, from the sound of it, he's going to have to be the one investing into this more heavily on the financial side due to your currency being weak.

Maybe it's an option for you to go to college there? You have the perfect age for it. I personally am, if all goes well, going to study Psychology in the US at the start of next year, although in this case it is for me, not for any woman. I can take student loans with me from my own country, but I know it's possible for foreign students to receive compensation in some form or another there, or so I've been told. Like I said, I haven't researched that too much because I get the student loans from my own gov. So maybe something like that might be worth checking out. Or the au per thing!

As for the "How do you let someone you "love" go just like that, I'm not sure if that was a question directed at me or more of a general "I couldn't possibly do that" thing, but if it's the former, since she's a (from the looks of it soon to be ex-)forum member on here... She just changed her mind one day. Lots of emotional trauma from her past, she hurt me as a result by accusing me of things I never did or intended to do. It basically just devolved into fighting and blame-gaming, so yeah... 
If it's the latter; You don't! You don't just "let go" of someone, especially if they're your first. It took me *four months* to regain any small sense of self, feelings, and purpose back after we (my first gf and me, not the lady I just spoke of) split. I felt like I could as well have offed myself. So yeah, the old saying "time heals all wounds" might not be entirely true in the sense that certain things will always hurt when you think back on them, but it is true in the sense that time will allow you to move past almost anything live can throw at you!

That said, if you're that convinced and/or hopeful this will work, then why not do what you feel is right? Go for it. For all you guys know, things will work out. People here just give well-meaning advice, and even though not everything they say might resonate with you right now, it is always worth it to consider all pro's and con's of a situation before diving headlong into it. That is not to say you should overthink everything, because if you think too much, there is no more room for feeling. And feeling is what makes us feel human, it is what makes us "feel" (harhar) alive. Take it from someone with OCD, which in my case means that I'm a chronic overthinker and my own thoughts are my worst enemy a lot of the time.

Tl;dr: Consider all your options carefully, but not to the extent that the thinking and pondering overrules your feelings of happiness and joy, because before you know it, the feelings you're wanting to take all these actions for will be killed off by the excessive planning of said actions and their execution.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I find every single one of your paragraphs full of mature advice. I'm very thankful. Yes I have thought about these things a lot cause I'm also a chronic thinker specially at night. 

I'm going to stick to the plan of the au pair thing for now, then If my life gets better and I can make money cause I don't think it's fair for him to pay for everything we can think and start planning something for the future, like moving in together, or who knows what. 

I'm very thankful for your answer. 

:smile2:


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> I agree 100% I have been thinking of babysitting / au pair, cause I have tried to get the work visa but there's like no job avaliable for me and I have a bachelor of science in communication but nothing, it seems to be easier to get there as an inmigrant than the right way. I also applied past year for the 2016 Diversity Visa Lottery but didn't win it either.
> 
> :crying:
> 
> Isn't it funny how there are too many "bad" latino inmigrants there living perfectly fine and young people like me who wants to have a chance to meet the loved one can't even visit?


I'm not sure what au pair is haha but definitely give it a go but if you can, try to sell things on the side since it wouldn't require too much of your attention and it'd be easier to accumulate money. I had edited my post after you replied - I mentioned that since your boyfriend is a US citizen maybe he can sign up for mTurk and try to earn extra income on the side (check out reddit for tips).

Could you not find a job in something unrelated for working holiday visa/work visa? I am in a similar situation actually as my boyfriend is in the US and I'm from Canada so I looked up holiday visas before. I could essentially find any work. My sister had done a working holiday visa in Australia for a year and she worked 6 months as a waitress and 6 months for their government so it really doesn't have to be career -oriented whatsoever. You don't need a degree for a retail or some office jobs and it'd pay more than what you're earning now. It would mean a detour from your career to do so, but I guess financially you would be way better off considering your currency is so weak.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Scratch the lottery. Or ask God. He has a plan for you.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Word of advice OP: Put that runner90 guy on your ignore list and you wont have to see his posts anymore.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

I hate to bring in the seriousness in all this. It's good how you've found eachother and have this connection. Saying that, because of this distance AND the time invested, it might be time to have a serious talk about where you two are going. Do you have plans? Who's going to move where and more importantly when?

Having NOT read all this thread, I think you guys need a tight plan to not only meet up but to stay together as well. Now as you've only being going out for a year, you may find all this a bit too pressurising. Well if you lived near each other it would be. But you haven't met (and when you do meet, you may find there's no chemistry. It happens) and you don't won't just be penpals forever. So either two things are gonna happen: either you get together and probably get married... or you break up down the line. Which is gonna hurt more down the time.

This is why I'd never get into an online relationship, especially an international one. The odds are just too heavily stacked against a happy ending. The only thing I'd recommend once again is you two having a mature discussion over what is going to be done and WHEN you two can expect to live together. And if it's too vague or if you guys aren't satisfied with it well... at least you know sooner. It's gonna be hard.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

RuNNer90 said:


> No it means that woman and children can be careless but men should not have that luxury.
> 
> If you are careless then you don't think too much. When you think about something for a long enough you will find a way. Same principle is with money which is needed. Man needs to think. Process. Risk. Gather.
> 
> In my opinion that's natural way of how things work since time of memorial. And odds were pretty good for humans.


Uh wow, okay. That's some screwed up sexist crap you're spewing right there.

The reason the OP can't do anything isn't because she's a "woman" it's because she lives in a crappy country and doesn't have the luxury of making the same amount of money we do here in our decadent first world countries. The fact she's been repeatedly attacked about it is hilarious and goes to show you how moronic people who earn the top 1% of the world's wealth can really be.

The boyfriend should obviously go and visit the OP since the cost of living is lower the other way around. It will take a lot of hard work to get the OP to visit the states, since my country is screwed up when it comes to that. And really the only way to become a citizen is by marriage. There's always Canada though.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

You are twisted. I'm a male and if I'm writing something "sexist" it's all in favor of woman.

I didn't say she can't do anything because she's a woman but I wrote she have a luxury to not do anything, then responsibility for "saving the day" falls on a man. And I'm okay with that.

If there is dire situation and I'm relationship with someone, it's me who takes the risk no other way around. It's me who pays the tab. 

For example: if my girlfriends wants to see me, and we live apart, and she got sucky job in suck-**** country and her hands are tied to the maximum it's MINE responisibility to give my best to earn some money and make things happen. Make things rolling. Rolling, rolling down the river yeeeeeeeha!

But then again, I was always misunderstand lizard emperor of rising sun.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

RuNNer90 said:


> You are twisted. I'm a male and if I'm writing something "sexist" it's all in favor of woman.
> 
> I didn't say she can't do anything because she's a woman but I wrote she have a luxury to not do anything, then responsibility for "saving the day" falls on a man. And I'm okay with that.
> 
> ...


I can see where you're coming from. Although how you're saying saying it may not give the right impression.

Whilst the woman may seem lost in such a dilemma, the man shouldn't really have that luxury. He has to instill a sense of security that makes his partner feel that no matter how hopeless the situation seems, he has everything under control and will do all to make sure everything is all right. This is why women like confident men. But confidence isn't just about being some extrovert: it's about being positive and possessing self-control. People in self-control generally don't panic or become pessimistic. They take responsibility to find a resolution.

So in OP's case, whilst I'll class paying for her to come over as a different matter entirely, OP would feel better if her boyfriend says "Look we need a serious talk about where all this is going, and how we intend for this to happen. Cos we can't just be online visit each-other periodically for the rest of our lives." At least you shouldn't accept that. You both deserve better than that from a relationship.

Now I'm no sexist, so if he hasn't brought it up, of course OP should take control. As I've said before, you can bury their heads in the sand, wing it and hope everything turns out fine. The cold truth is this whole thing is gonna end up in 2 ways - a marriage or a break up. And if it's the latter then it's best to find that out sooner rather than later.

Playing devil's advocate, I'm incredibly wary of relationships where one partner is doing all the work and provisions, especially for someone overseas. But in SAS or any forum, I'm all about helping the OP.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Yeah, I can ... give out ... wrong expression, but my intentions are the ones that matter. So One who reads my stuff should always read it with care and careful and if it sounds out of place - gauge me, contact me, defy me ... and I'm going to either ... correct myself or give you deeper insight on what I mean.

Just imagine what is for a girl to have a STRONG and by that I mean strong in willpower, connections, intelligence, overall adjustable boyfriend who can take care of first himself and then take care of her? That a Man! 

It's in woman blood not to take control. Ok, let's not generalize thing but ... for the most part. Man should take more of risks, find inner strength, no matter the odds, when everything falls apart he needs to be rock solid ... in nutshell - he needs to give all he got to preserve things he loves. And I really mean everything. Then it just depends how far you are willing to go. I think man should be able to go all the way.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Also in this case ... it's not about fairness ... who gives two ****s if something is a bit more or less fair if everyone is having good time?

It's about mind over matter, it's about crushing trough problems if needed and if only thing that it takes is to sober up, stand your ground and make some money then it's not even hard thing to do.

I remember back in 2008 when I just left the army I had almost nothing in my pockets. I went to the streets to steal and work on getting a some kind of job and security. My family at that moment was not even in the country ... and I had a girlfriend ... and she didn't support me much but hey - she's a girl, I cannot expect her being involved in my business especially if it's dirty ... my obligation for the day is: earn enough money to live, earn enough money to enjoy with my girlfriend. Everything besides that was not important. 

I would wake up 5 in the morning, work at dockyards until noon, then I would eat something, in two'o'clock I would go and do "other businesses", then I would take a sauna, then I take my girlfriend for a nice dinner. And expensive one. It's not dignified to take girl into Burger King. We would eat lobsters and drink 50 USD bottles of wine.

Then I would come home, all exhausted, every bone killing me, my mind killing me because I need to be strong and break every obstacle but then I would find some other pleasure to numb the feeling of my existence and then you fall asleep and circle would go on and on.

And today situation is better then ever. I got job, I got my other businesses, I got security behind my back but I'm always willing to THINK about how to make more money, how to make OTHER PEOPLE not work so much ...let me be the powerhorse, I'm going to take care of it. It's my obligation as a man. Not to sit in the room and cry to my mommy (I was wondering how chinesse call out to their mom? Something like cho cho chaaa mamaaa hahahah) and let time pass ... don't let time pass ... time is our slave not other way around.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

macky said:


> I hate to bring in the seriousness in all this. It's good how you've found eachother and have this connection. Saying that, because of this distance AND the time invested, it might be time to have a serious talk about where you two are going. Do you have plans? Who's going to move where and more importantly when?
> 
> Having NOT read all this thread, I think you guys need a tight plan to not only meet up but to stay together as well. Now as you've only being going out for a year, you may find all this a bit too pressurising. Well if you lived near each other it would be. But you haven't met (and when you do meet, you may find there's no chemistry. It happens) and you don't won't just be penpals forever. So either two things are gonna happen: either you get together and probably get married... or you break up down the line. Which is gonna hurt more down the time.
> 
> This is why I'd never get into an online relationship, especially an international one. The odds are just too heavily stacked against a happy ending. The only thing I'd recommend once again is you two having a mature discussion over what is going to be done and WHEN you two can expect to live together. And if it's too vague or if you guys aren't satisfied with it well... at least you know sooner. It's gonna be hard.


Macky:
I know exactly what you mean and we had that conversation months ago, since then we started arguing a little more cause I felt like we both were kinda wasting our times and we already had feelings involved, HOWEVER, the reason why I felt that was because 1. he said he cannot afford a fiance visa and 2nd. cause he doesn't want to get married.

So that leaves us with like no options cause if he's not coming here cause he said he never would come to a **** hole like Venezuela (and I wouldn't let him either, too dangerous) but he doesn't want to get married or get the fiance visa then where is this going to go?

I seriously started to think that we were just going to meet and that's it, things would stay there cause there's like no plan, I want to meet him cause I feel like I deserve it after all this time and all the feelings I have, but on the other hand I don't think there's a future, cause it seems kinda impossible... you know?

Before I met him my plans in life were going to europe (I was an exchange student in Hungary and I have a good host family there and they feel like a second family) so I could finally leave this country and start working in building a better future with hard work, to help myself and my family that would stay here but then I met him and it's not like he gives me an option to have a better future with him, no... he just wants us to meet and see what happens in the future (which seems fair enough) but then I want to go to europe and he says he would love to go there and stay with me without a visa for as long as he can.

But then I say, well if you stay there without a visa what would you do for work? Would you help me out? He says no cause I couldn't work and I say well, I wouldn't like to take care of someone tho. I need a partner who's also going to be a help not just a burden you know what I mean? This might sound selfish but imagine you, in a new country, working your *** off, while you have someone at home eating and sleeping? Is it my responsability? Just for "love"?

Mmm... That's like the downside of the story. I have told him a million times that I am whilling to work wherever I had to but he doesn't like the idea of working so much, in fact his dream is to own a land, live off the grid, with almost no money, growing plants and having two goats and chickens and stuff and me living there with him.

But I don't see myself doing that right now, I'm only 23 years old you know? I can't imagine my life locked in that cabin or whatever for the rest of my life. Yeah it would be nice to stay there and sleep as long as I want and etc but I also want to do other things in life that I always wanted to do such as travel cause I love to travel and discover new places.

Am I being selfish? Am I stupid? I feel stupid for being in a long distance relationship. I feel stupid for being in love.



So I don't know where is our relationship going to go cause we have had this conversation a long time ago and I bring up the subject often but he just doesn't seem to like to talk about this. So I couldn't tell you. I wish I knew. For some peace of mind.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

pineapplebun said:


> I'm not sure what au pair is haha but definitely give it a go but if you can, try to sell things on the side since it wouldn't require too much of your attention and it'd be easier to accumulate money. I had edited my post after you replied - I mentioned that since your boyfriend is a US citizen maybe he can sign up for mTurk and try to earn extra income on the side (check out reddit for tips).
> 
> Could you not find a job in something unrelated for working holiday visa/work visa? I am in a similar situation actually as my boyfriend is in the US and I'm from Canada so I looked up holiday visas before. I could essentially find any work. My sister had done a working holiday visa in Australia for a year and she worked 6 months as a waitress and 6 months for their government so it really doesn't have to be career -oriented whatsoever. You don't need a degree for a retail or some office jobs and it'd pay more than what you're earning now. It would mean a detour from your career to do so, but I guess financially you would be way better off considering your currency is so weak.


That sounds nice, I would have to find a webpage where to find those jobs tho. Do you know any? Which one did you use? :smile2::grin2:


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Caramelito said:


> Macky:
> I know exactly what you mean and we had that conversation months ago, since then we started arguing a little more cause I felt like we both were kinda wasting our times and we already had feelings involved, HOWEVER, the reason why I felt that was because 1. he said he cannot afford a fiance visa and 2nd. cause he doesn't want to get married.


Sounds like excuses.



> So that leaves us with like no options cause if he's not coming here cause he said he never would come to a **** hole like Venezuela (and I wouldn't let him either, too dangerous) but he doesn't want to get married or get the fiance visa then where is this going to go?


There are plenty of options. I even gave one: Canada. You could probably get a visa to Canada much more easily than you could to the states, or even citizenship. He could visit then.



> I seriously started to think that we were just going to meet and that's it, things would stay there cause there's like no plan, I want to meet him cause I feel like I deserve it after all this time and all the feelings I have, but on the other hand I don't think there's a future, cause it seems kinda impossible... you know?


It is if one end isn't willing to put in any effort.



> Before I met him my plans in life were going to europe (I was an exchange student in Hungary and I have a good host family there and they feel like a second family) so I could finally leave this country and start working in building a better future with hard work, to help myself and my family that would stay here but then I met him and it's not like he gives me an option to have a better future with him, no... he just wants us to meet and see what happens in the future (which seems fair enough) but then I want to go to europe and he says he would love to go there and stay with me without a visa for as long as he can.


Do it and do it for you. If he's holding you back he's not worth being with in the first place. You should feel enabled by his companionship and not disabled. I told my gf all of my life ambitions and created plans in such a way that she could do whatever she really wants with her life and is enabled to get there. At no point did I lock her down into doing what I want.



> But then I say, well if you stay there without a visa what would you do for work? Would you help me out? He says no cause I couldn't work and I say well, I wouldn't like to take care of someone tho. I need a partner who's also going to be a help not just a burden you know what I mean? This might sound selfish but imagine you, in a new country, working your *** off, while you have someone at home eating and sleeping? Is it my responsability? Just for "love"?


No it's not your responsibility. You are not responsible to take care of your partner. I think you have a very keen insight on this point and I applaud you for being so rational.



> Mmm... That's like the downside of the story. I have told him a million times that I am whilling to work wherever I had to but he doesn't like the idea of working so much, in fact his dream is to own a land, live off the grid, with almost no money, growing plants and having two goats and chickens and stuff and me living there with him.


That sounds highly unrealistic.



> But I don't see myself doing that right now, I'm only 23 years old you know? I can't imagine my life locked in that cabin or whatever for the rest of my life. Yeah it would be nice to stay there and sleep as long as I want and etc but I also want to do other things in life that I always wanted to do such as travel cause I love to travel and discover new places.


Don't let anyone hold you back from being the person you want to be.



> Am I being selfish? Am I stupid? I feel stupid for being in a long distance relationship. I feel stupid for being in love.
> 
> 
> 
> So I don't know where is our relationship going to go cause we have had this conversation a long time ago and I bring up the subject often but he just doesn't seem to like to talk about this. So I couldn't tell you. I wish I knew. For some peace of mind.


I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am, many of them painful, but all of them worthwhile. In the end there are two kinds of people: those who talk about doing things and those who actually end up doing things.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> That sounds nice, I would have to find a webpage where to find those jobs tho. Do you know any? Which one did you use? :smile2::grin2:


From what I know of my sister and what I've read, you usually have to find the job like any other local there once you land there so the job search pages would be the local ones like Indeed.com, Monster.com, etc.

And after reading your reply to Macky, I wouldn't be willing to go through such a sacrifice for your boyfriend if I was in your position because it seems you want it more than he does. To detour your career path and take the risk that you may not find a job on a holiday visa for someone like him seems too risky. He seems to have a lot of excuses as to why he can't pull his own weight - he has only enough money to spend rent (reasonable) but then seems content on expecting to live off you if you guys were to go to Europe and not trying to financially contribute (he has enough to visit Europe but not pay for your plane ticket or he's suddenly going to work harder to go to Europe but can't do the same to help you afford the plane ticket? You really want that in a partner?). The lack of security is a bit alarming - I mean I understand that technically there isn't a guarantee that you two will work out when you meet. It could go horribly wrong especially if one of you guys haven't been completely honest. But then there's also the fact that you guys also have two very different lifestyles you are aiming for which might cause resentment on both parts to build over time. A relationship is about two people working together.

EDIT: Sacrieur kinda spoke my mind and beat me to the punch... lol


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

Yeah, I have tried Monster and Indeed but no luck at all, I think it's because I'm from south america maybe? 

I know it seems crazy, and I'm very aware of the situation but I feel attached to him and to the feelings. You know? It's like I know his plans and ideas are not realistic and that he is kinda holding me back but I feel like we could meet? Maybe? Before making a drastic desition such as stop talking/breaking up? You know?

I feel very thankful for having those responses cause YES it's very important to have people telling you what they see from their perspective and sometimes what I see is not what it really is... I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm so blind right now, so frustrated, so locked up, hopeless, etc that YES its very VERY helpful to have those responses, cause YES you are so right, and yes I also strongly believe that a relationship must be two people working together towards something. But he is so not doing it, I don't find him doing anything cause of his SA, or who knows what. Maybe there's something I don't know? 

I don't know what I'll do, yes the lack of security is alarming, very alarming, very disappointing too, I can't just stay here hoping and whishing and waiting for imposible things that might never happen. 

The way you guys make me feel about this situation is kinda starting to make me step back and evaluate things from another perspective, with my feet on the ground cause yeah, It's like there's no future whatsoever. So, now what am I going to do? And how am I going to do it?

I really don't like the thought of being alone, It would hurt me a lot, specially cause I care about him. :'( 
But I also care about myself and I should always want the best for me even tho this might sound selfish I think he's being selfish too.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Doesn't look good.He doesn't have the funds to go see you and doesn't want to get married. Immigration laws are tough in the US and I don't think you can come here without being married to him or you have property/money in Venezuela. Since you don't have the funds and he doesn't want to make the effort to bring you to the states, it's better to stop wasting your time and move on.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

nubly said:


> Doesn't look good.He doesn't have the funds to go see you and doesn't want to get married. Immigration laws are tough in the US and I don't think you can come here without being married to him or you have property/money in Venezuela. Since you don't have the funds and he doesn't want to make the effort to bring you to the states, it's better to stop wasting your time and move on.


Sad, straight but true. :crying:
But how do you move on just like that?


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Caramelito said:


> I really don't like the thought of being alone, It would hurt me a lot, specially cause I care about him. :'(
> But I also care about myself and I should always want the best for me even tho this might sound selfish I think he's being selfish too.


If you put in your work it's up to him to put in the remainder. If you end up being alone it won't be on you.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

Sacrieur said:


> If you put in your work it's up to him to put in the remainder. If you end up being alone it won't be on you.


Agreed. Thank you.


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## zoslow (Jun 2, 2014)

I think you should have another serious talk with him. And really put all your thoughts and doubts on the table and hear what he has to say about them. Cause yeah it is a difficult situation but I think you two could make it work out if you're both willing to put in hard work and make compromises. But if you aren't on the same page then making this become reality will be very difficult if not impossible. Now that you've written more about the situation it seems to me like he needs to take this more seriously and help you figure out how to solve things instead of avoiding the discussion.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

zoslow said:


> I think you should have another serious talk with him. And really put all your thoughts and doubts on the table and hear what he has to say about them. Cause yeah it is a difficult situation but I think you two could make it work out if you're both willing to put in hard work and make compromises. But if you aren't on the same page then making this become reality will be very difficult if not impossible. Now that you've written more about the situation it seems to me like he needs to take this more seriously and help you figure out how to solve things instead of avoiding the discussion.


See I know he's not going to compromise or make sacrifices, we're not on the same page whatsoever. We DO want to meet, but the future is just nothing clear, nothing secure.

:frown2:


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## zoslow (Jun 2, 2014)

Caramelito said:


> See I know he's not going to compromise or make sacrifices, we're not on the same page whatsoever. We DO want to meet, but the future is just nothing clear, nothing secure.
> 
> :frown2:


Then you must feel for yourself if it is right or not and if you are willing to wait and see what happens or if you should move on. Personally I think when you really care and like/love someone you are open for some compromising and sacrifies. But not everyone is like that and I guess it works fine if both are like that but if not, it can cause issues ahead.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

It's understandable that you can't just easily cut the relationship cold turkey. It is a big decision and one that only impacts you and him, so it is easy for us to give you advice because we don't experience any consequences, but moreover, we have no emotional attachments. Breaking up may not be the necessary solution if you guys have a serious talk and the results ends up in him actually putting the effort. For what it's worth, I am in a similar situation but we're handling it differently. Both my boyfriend and I are from SAS as well, but he is perfectly willing to overcome his anxieties to come see me. It makes no sense to make a commitment such as a LDR if he isn't going to try to overcome the SA parts that would prevent the relationship from progressing.

If he still doesn't want to put in the effort though, it will be very painful to break up - that's understandable. All those hopes, dreams, goals that come with a relationship are also things one loses. But I think it'll be less painful than to continue being with someone whom is making it obvious they aren't willing to contribute as much as you and not considering how this impacts you. Moving to a different country is a huge sacrifice and one to not take lightly.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

pineapplebun said:


> It's understandable that you can't just easily cut the relationship cold turkey. It is a big decision and one that only impacts you and him, so it is easy for us to give you advice because we don't experience any consequences, but moreover, we have no emotional attachments. Breaking up may not be the necessary solution if you guys have a serious talk and the results ends up in him actually putting the effort. For what it's worth, I am in a similar situation but we're handling it differently. Both my boyfriend and I are from SAS as well, but he is perfectly willing to overcome his anxieties to come see me. It makes no sense to make a commitment such as a LDR if he isn't going to try to overcome the SA parts that would prevent the relationship from progressing.
> 
> If he still doesn't want to put in the effort though, it will be very painful to break up - that's understandable. All those hopes, dreams, goals that come with a relationship are also things one loses. But I think it'll be less painful than to continue being with someone whom is making it obvious they aren't willing to contribute as much as you and not considering how this impacts you. Moving to a different country is a huge sacrifice and one to not take lightly.


EXACTLY!! You seriously know what I'm going through, it's exactly like that. YES YES AND YES.

Thank you so much for your understanding and I REALLY hope you and him can overcome the SA and make it work for good, for better, for both of you, you deserve it.

Me on the other hand I'm just feeling worse than ever, I feel sad and more hopeless... but oh well. C'est la vie.

<3


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> EXACTLY!! You seriously know what I'm going through, it's exactly like that. YES YES AND YES.
> 
> Thank you so much for your understanding and I REALLY hope you and him can overcome the SA and make it work for good, for better, for both of you, you deserve it.
> 
> ...


Haha thank you very much. We are in a similar situation in that it's been 2 years and there were times where it was possible for one to meet but not the other due to financial and health problems but we finally have decided on this summer just a little passed our 2 years and then hopefully I go visit him in NY around Christmas/New Years to see the famous ball drop.

It is sad, but I can tell you coming from a relationship where I wanted to make things work out and was constantly the one trying to come up with solutions, I ultimately did not regret that that relationship ended. At the time I was scared to be alone like you and very much emotionally attached even though logically I knew it wasn't a good situation to be in and that there wouldn't be a happy ending for me. Coming to terms with that took awhile but I ended up finding someone who is a much better partner.

I hope things work out for you and if not, that you have the strength to move on. It's okay to be alone, it is much worse being with someone you know who won't or is incapable of giving the love and support you deserve and need back because over time you will grow resentful or bitter and feel empty. The pain of break up is temporary, but the pain of being with someone who doesn't make you truly happy will continue for as long as you two are together. Most importantly, it's time you can't get back! You are so young and you have lots of dreams and goals of travelling, who knows who you might meet on the road. You seem like you are ambitious and level-headed - you can handle this situation no matter what the outcome will be. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

pineapplebun said:


> Haha thank you very much. We are in a similar situation in that it's been 2 years and there were times where it was possible for one to meet but not the other due to financial and health problems but we finally have decided on this summer just a little passed our 2 years and then hopefully I go visit him in NY around Christmas/New Years to see the famous ball drop.
> 
> It is sad, but I can tell you coming from a relationship where I wanted to make things work out and was constantly the one trying to come up with solutions, I ultimately did not regret that that relationship ended. At the time I was scared to be alone like you and very much emotionally attached even though logically I knew it wasn't a good situation to be in and that there wouldn't be a happy ending for me. Coming to terms with that took awhile but I ended up finding someone who is a much better partner.
> 
> I hope things work out for you and if not, that you have the strength to move on. It's okay to be alone, it is much worse being with someone you know who won't or is incapable of giving the love and support you deserve and need back because over time you will grow resentful or bitter and feel empty. The pain of break up is temporary, but the pain of being with someone who doesn't make you truly happy will continue for as long as you two are together. Most importantly, it's time you can't get back! You are so young and you have lots of dreams and goals of travelling, who knows who you might meet on the road. You seem like you are ambitious and level-headed - you can handle this situation no matter what the outcome will be. I wish you the best of luck.


I had literally tears running down my cheeks after reading this, I know exactly what you're describing cause I've been feling most of those things and yeah, basically you know how I feel and where I'm at cause you've been here too.

I admire you for being in a LDR for over 2 years, I think I couldn't do it for what you just said "it's time that you can't get back". But we're all different, maybe he has been giving you the security that you need to stay by his side and you feel comfortable with him. Who knows?

You have no idea how much you have helped me. Thank you SO much.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> I had literally tears running down my cheeks after reading this, I know exactly what you're describing cause I've been feling most of those things and yeah, basically you know how I feel and where I'm at cause you've been here too.
> 
> I admire you for being in a LDR for over 2 years, I think I couldn't do it for what you just said "it's time that you can't get back". But we're all different, maybe he has been giving you the security that you need to stay by his side and you feel comfortable with him. Who knows?
> 
> You have no idea how much you have helped me. Thank you SO much.


I am glad I was able to help :crying:


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> I find every single one of your paragraphs full of mature advice. I'm very thankful. Yes I have thought about these things a lot cause I'm also a chronic thinker specially at night.
> 
> I'm going to stick to the plan of the au pair thing for now, then If my life gets better and I can make money cause I don't think it's fair for him to pay for everything we can think and start planning something for the future, like moving in together, or who knows what.
> 
> ...


Why thank you, kind lady!  I've read some of the later posts here though, and the impression I'm getting is that your boyfriend isn't really as dedicated to this as you are. Previously you had said it was impatience, which can be understandable, but like I said, if you both are not equally or roughly equally committed to your plans, or even might have different plans, it's not really going to work out, you know? So let me ask you honestly; do you think he just doesn't want this is much as you do? From the sound of it, pineapplebun pretty much already helped you make up your mind though!


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Macky:
> I know exactly what you mean and we had that conversation months ago, since then we started arguing a little more cause I felt like we both were kinda wasting our times and we already had feelings involved, HOWEVER, the reason why I felt that was because 1. he said he cannot afford a fiance visa and 2nd. cause he doesn't want to get married.
> 
> So that leaves us with like no options cause if he's not coming here cause he said he never would come to a **** hole like Venezuela (and I wouldn't let him either, too dangerous) but he doesn't want to get married or get the fiance visa then where is this going to go?
> ...


This is all reminding me of a relationship I had probably 1000 years ago where after going out for a year with a chick who was at my uni, I myself was about to start uni.. one that was 60 miles away. She was gonna go back to her country or travel the world in a couple of years, and I was the settled type. So she questioned our future. I should've listened and done the right thing at that point, but didn't. Took a year of a strained LTR before she broke it off. So my refusal to acknowledge the inevitable just resulted in both of us wasting a year (my freshers year incidently, never fitted in with my dorm cos I was too busy travelling back to see the girl...).

You ask where your relationship is going. Look, you can't control this dude, or make him want to travel about or move to another country, or even travel to visit you. Of course you're not stupid. Love is not logical. It's human instinct, and wanting a happy ending. And you've invested so much, it's harder to let go. But reading your post, it's all "well we'll try to meet each other and then see what happens. And even though we got disagreements over working in Europe.. well let's just see what happens". That's exactly what I'm saying you shouldn't do.

Like you said, if he's not getting the fiancé visa and unwilling to get married, where's it going? Well if you want to stick with him, that's what you have to accept and you shouldn't stay in the hope he'll change his mind. This is where you're gonna have to either accept this or move on. And there is no easy way to get over it (well there is an easi-ER way but that's for if you do go through with it).

I'm waffling now so to wrap it up, if your ambitions and goals conflict and can't be compromised, or if he's unwilling to work to make this all work, maybe you're just too different. You could have last-ditch effort to discuss this but if he isn't budging, then perhaps it's time to admit that it wasn't meant to be. I'm a bit tipsy btw and sad from recalling that LDR girlfriend.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Another Porcupine Tree fan? We're invading mwahahahahahaa.

Sorry I have no constructive advice to give, apparently I have to comment on every Porcupine Tree related thing I see now, it's very soon going to become an OCD thing I think. I wish you luck though.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Sad, straight but true. :crying:
> But how do you move on just like that?


It is hard, but it would be even harder if you met the guy in person and shared physical things, right ?

You will have to evaluate this very carefully.


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## Sheviboy (May 28, 2015)

I'm available. Just saying  on your point well you could try maybe doing some online surveys I guess they pay decent. If you make $5 a day through that then you can make 150 in a month so in 6 months 900, then you can meet him in a location where 900 bucks is enough! You can also try asking Ellen for cash (I have seen it work) and try crowd funding. May the force be with you ?


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Macky:
> I know exactly what you mean and we had that conversation months ago, since then we started arguing a little more cause I felt like we both were kinda wasting our times and we already had feelings involved, HOWEVER, the reason why I felt that was because 1. he said he cannot afford a fiance visa and 2nd. cause he doesn't want to get married.


Instincts are GOLD in emotional business like relationships, love etc. Your gut tells you what your subconscious knows. For example: gut feeling when people know someone cheats them - it's usually subconscious telling you the right thing because usually heart wants the other thing and brain tells the another story and brain comes from subconscious levels so many times, especially when you don't want to believe in something.

So, in this case - if you are really into someone, Visa would be a least of problems. If I like a girl that likes me over some period - heck I would clean the streets for 6 months to get money to visit her.



Caramelito said:


> So that leaves us with like no options cause if he's not coming here cause he said he never would come to a **** hole like Venezuela (and I wouldn't let him either, too dangerous) but he doesn't want to get married or get the fiance visa then where is this going to go?


If there is love - a man goes into pits of hell. Venezuela . This is where heart plays a big roll. In this situation it's also okay to listen to the heart and go for it no matter what because brain don't seem to comprehend sometimes risk is very valuable if there is loving person in the whole picture. I would never come to a ****hole like Venezuela sounds like he does not give a ****. That's sad.



Caramelito said:


> I seriously started to think that we were just going to meet and that's it, things would stay there cause there's like no plan, I want to meet him cause I feel like I deserve it after all this time and all the feelings I have, but on the other hand I don't think there's a future, cause it seems kinda impossible... you know?


No plan? Tell me about it. I was in some "relationships" where woman also didn't provoke the plan because ... they just didn't care too much. And of course then I would take the wheels and do the plan because I sense I have obligation to do that. So maybe he is calculating and "no plan state" is good for ... him?.



Caramelito said:


> But then I say, well if you stay there without a visa what would you do for work? Would you help me out? He says no cause I couldn't work and I say well, I wouldn't like to take care of someone tho. I need a partner who's also going to be a help not just a burden you know what I mean? This might sound selfish but imagine you, in a new country, working your *** off, while you have someone at home eating and sleeping? Is it my responsability? Just for "love"?


Is he a boy or a man? This is weird ... he would go ... but ... he would not work, no providing? Wtf ...



Caramelito said:


> Mmm... That's like the downside of the story. I have told him a million times that I am whilling to work wherever I had to but he doesn't like the idea of working so much, in fact his dream is to own a land, live off the grid, with almost no money, growing plants and having two goats and chickens and stuff and me living there with him.


Yeah I know couple of guys like that, sleep all day, look if some new plant has grown, listen to the ****ing owls all day ... maybe it's cool for them, but I like action personally. Life is more then living of the grid. Money makes opportunities, opportunities = experiences. Experiences are cool because we are limited time overhere. We are also young, it's time to experience, trough quality relationships of course ... but money is needed for good life, it's integral part of our being to have normal life. It's like ... you are not even ready for something like relationship if you don't have a plan for yourself or instead leech off someone ... huh ...



Caramelito said:


> But I don't see myself doing that right now, I'm only 23 years old you know? I can't imagine my life locked in that cabin or whatever for the rest of my life. Yeah it would be nice to stay there and sleep as long as I want and etc but I also want to do other things in life that I always wanted to do such as travel cause I love to travel and discover new places.


Didn't even read this but you prove my point that I wrote sentences before.



Caramelito said:


> Am I being selfish? Am I stupid? I feel stupid for being in a long distance relationship. I feel stupid for being in love.


Nah, you are not selfish. It seems your lifestyles, willpower maybe even emotional intelligence is not on the level. For example - I don't like to spend rest of my life in a cabin. I want to make good money on Thursday, fly off to Egypt Saturday, came back on next Thursday then go downtown on Sunday to some club to viciously kiss my girlfriend in club and to have great time with her, Monday another working day make some money so we can enjoy ourselves more. Next Wednesday go out of town into another town and eat out, and one day just stay at home and watching movies enjoying in quiet. We can always be in a cabin as long as there are opportunities. By fixing us in ONE PLACE like ... some farm or **** ... it's ... haha ... I don't know, it's not my style and I don't like it.

But some people do  like him.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

Caramelito said:


> Thanks for your answer Metalunatic
> a) He does have some money saved, I don't, even if I tried the currency that we have in our country is worhtless, I could change my situation in a reasonable amount of time (let's say one or two more years) but this is just if I get a better scenario, enviroment, job, with more sacrifices, etc.
> 
> b) I am capable of, the thing is that money is also needed, any kind of visa needs money, specially the fiancé visa. This is an option, but it is going to take some time.


Wait - he has money saved, but you are asking for money to meet here? I don't believe the guy should pay everything but given your situation it seems reasonable in this case.

Anyway, given he wants to live off the land, you don't is a big difference. Curious, how old is jhat?


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I have read all your comments but I don't know what to say cause we have talked about all this and he says that he doesn't want anything for the future but he still wants to meet me, but I don't want to meet just once and then just move on with this you know? I thought this was a serious relationship but apparently it's not. I don't know but he's been very toxic to me for the past few months and I've been feeling very sad to the point I feel physically sick from stress and toxicity and from him not motivating me at all and wanting me to quit job (cause he just recently quit his) and stuff like I'll never get anywhere I'll never have anything, I'll never do this, I'll never do that, come with me live in the cabin forever, blabla, he's 27 I'm 23.

I don't know, last thing I told him two days ago was that I needed to stop talking to him for a few days cause I was feeling the symptoms of a heart attack or a heart failure cause of the anger and stress when talking to him hearing all the bad words and discouragement like I was showing him myself getting ready to go to the radio station and I was doing my makeup and picking up a nice outfit and stuff and he was like you should quit to be happy like I am you should feel the freedom that I have right now plus you dont get paid **** no real money your currency is worthless what you do is worthless you drive all the way there and you get ready for nothing you should just stay and when are you going to quit what are you waiting for like how long is it going to take you to quit? You're not getting paid ****? You should get a real job but wait you'll never get a real job and I cried my *** to work cause come on... that's not the motivation I need. That's not what I want I don't want to be a burden for anyone, I want to manage to keep a job even if I don't get paid ****, etc etc etc... it feels like he wants to drag me down with him but he feels good where he's at. 

I don't want that for my life, but the reason why I stopped talking to him it's because I really felt pain like, I am seriously scared, I still have like those symptoms for a heart attack and I don't want him to kill me just because of all the stress. I think I deserve better. I can't be this stupid.

:'(

I'm so depressed right now.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

Caramelito said:


> I have read all your comments but I don't know what to say cause we have talked about all this and he says that he doesn't want anything for the future but he still wants to meet me, but I don't want to meet just once and then just move on with this you know? I thought this was a serious relationship but apparently it's not. I don't know but he's been very toxic to me for the past few months and I've been feeling very sad to the point I feel physically sick from stress and toxicity and from him not motivating me at all and wanting me to quit job (cause he just recently quit his) and stuff like I'll never get anywhere I'll never have anything, I'll never do this, I'll never do that, come with me live in the cabin forever, blabla, he's 27 I'm 23.
> 
> I don't know, last thing I told him two days ago was that I needed to stop talking to him for a few days cause I was feeling the symptoms of a heart attack or a heart failure cause of the anger and stress when talking to him hearing all the bad words and discouragement like I was showing him myself getting ready to go to the radio station and I was doing my makeup and picking up a nice outfit and stuff and he was like you should quit to be happy like I am you should feel the freedom that I have right now plus you dont get paid **** no real money your currency is worthless what you do is worthless you drive all the way there and you get ready for nothing you should just stay and when are you going to quit what are you waiting for like how long is it going to take you to quit? You're not getting paid ****? You should get a real job but wait you'll never get a real job and I cried my *** to work cause come on... that's not the motivation I need. That's not what I want I don't want to be a burden for anyone, I want to manage to keep a job even if I don't get paid ****, etc etc etc... it feels like he wants to drag me down with him but he feels good where he's at.
> 
> ...


Honestly, to me it just sounds like he's using you to fill a void of loneliness.

He sounds very toxic now. The fact that he knows your situation and is being this blatantly disrespectful to you shows he sees no true worth within you. Someone like that is far from being worth your time.

It's good that you don't want that in your life as you shouldn't. Clearly you deserve better, and I hope you know that. He's not worth dwelling over in my opinion. He's playing you, and he knows it. It's up to you on whether or not you want someone this belittling to topple you down.

However; your unfortunate pain is completely understandable, but don't let him define your self worth. You've lasted this long throughout life, so continue to hold onto your strength as it hasn't completely atrophied from you.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> I have read all your comments but I don't know what to say cause we have talked about all this and he says that he doesn't want anything for the future but he still wants to meet me, but I don't want to meet just once and then just move on with this you know? I thought this was a serious relationship but apparently it's not. I don't know but he's been very toxic to me for the past few months and I've been feeling very sad to the point I feel physically sick from stress and toxicity and from him not motivating me at all and wanting me to quit job (cause he just recently quit his) and stuff like I'll never get anywhere I'll never have anything, I'll never do this, I'll never do that, come with me live in the cabin forever, blabla, he's 27 I'm 23.
> 
> I don't know, last thing I told him two days ago was that I needed to stop talking to him for a few days cause I was feeling the symptoms of a heart attack or a heart failure cause of the anger and stress when talking to him hearing all the bad words and discouragement like I was showing him myself getting ready to go to the radio station and I was doing my makeup and picking up a nice outfit and stuff and he was like you should quit to be happy like I am you should feel the freedom that I have right now plus you dont get paid **** no real money your currency is worthless what you do is worthless you drive all the way there and you get ready for nothing you should just stay and when are you going to quit what are you waiting for like how long is it going to take you to quit? You're not getting paid ****? You should get a real job but wait you'll never get a real job and I cried my *** to work cause come on... that's not the motivation I need. That's not what I want I don't want to be a burden for anyone, I want to manage to keep a job even if I don't get paid ****, etc etc etc... it feels like he wants to drag me down with him but he feels good where he's at.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry. I do however believe that there comes a point where you have stop wondering/ hoping/ rationalising and instead you have to make a decision. Either accept his indifference/ negative influence... or decide that you deserve better. It's a waste of time trying to change people, or expect more from them. And in this case, I don't see any incentive for him to change whatsoever. He seems completely at ease with where he's at, so much so that he belittle you, your job and your ambitions with no concern that you'll leave him out of being insulted, let alone because of a difference in life goals.

Maybe your relationship has shifted over its course, but certainly from this point onwards... what you see is what you're gonna get.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

O yeah you get the "freedom speech" ... so being in nature and having a farm is = free. Those people know **** about freedom. Same as some of my "friends", they want to go hiking into the mountains full of bears and wolves and ... yeah that's "freedom". Their only dream is to own a farm, work 16 hours a day to have at least lunch and dinner and that's "freedom". When I tell them I don't like that life and that that ain't "freedom" then they start to spit on me, how I don't know how "beautiful nature is" and etc. (not even mentioning that's another topic right there!).

BUT when they need money, suddenly I'm good, I like nature and I'm not such "a city guy" ... suddenly their perspective is "changed". Freedom my ***. It has nothing to do with freedom, more with: doing the **** I want, doing minimum I need and not giving too much **** about anyone else but me, me, me, me and my farm. You should quit your job, do nothing and fantasize about farm life. Right. Girl that's 23 year old. Gimme a break.

He probably wears CheGuevara t-shirts, nags about how politics sucks and how money sucks but he doesn't have it but deep inside himself he would like to have it. But wishes are one thing and reality is other. Just like in your example where you wanna go, you wanna sacrifice but other side is not willing so much, let's say he's pragmatic and phlegmatic to the bone. So what, after first 100 days at Ole' McDonald's farm you won't get bored? What you gonna play then? "Name that lettuce variety" game? 

What bugs me are his suggestions towards you. He suggests you things he is not willing to do himself. It's always good sign to DO something rather then SUGGEST. If you can suggest you can ****ing do it also. So I don't know what to think about that except it's a bit low, undermining also with a flavor of some "I'm in comfy zone do whatever you want to but I will go to farm no matter what and I will have my freeeeeedom". ****ing William Wallace over here.

I don't know how he even imagined any face to face life without substantial dosage of motivation for other part. Relationship is an agreement as I said before *******s just don't want to listen out - you hold my back, I hold yours. We against the world. Sip of tolerance, sip of planning, big loads of unlimited love, strength, willpower. Not giving out motivation ... that's really low thing to do if you care about someone. I like to motivate my significant other because I will feel better, she will feel better. It's double happiness. Persistence is needed. 


And now for you ladies and gentlemen: 

Old MACDONALD had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
And on his farm he had a pig
E-I-E-I-O
With a oink oink here
And a oink oink there
Here a oink, there a oink
Everywhere a oink oink
Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Caramelito said:


> I have read all your comments but I don't know what to say cause we have talked about all this and he says that he doesn't want anything for the future but he still wants to meet me, but I don't want to meet just once and then just move on with this you know?
> 
> ...


Well ****... I'm sorry to hear that. Especially since this too sounds way too familiar... I swear, don't ever try dating someone from on here again. I learned that lesson the hard way quite recently. :lol In all seriousness though, this sucks.

As others have said, you deserve to get treated better than as just a short-term thing, unless that was decided by both of you beforehand, but that clearly was not the deal here, so I'm just going to say that, as much of a cold comfort this sounds right now, please be happy that you now have your answer on where the two of you stand, that you now know of his intentions, and that you got saved the even more severe disappointment you might have experienced if the two of you actually were to have gone ahead and met up. You'd still be under the assumption that you two were serious, and get your feelings hurt even worse than they already are now. Again, cold comfort, I know, but take it from me when I say that it's better this way!


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## KILOBRAVO (Sep 17, 2011)

OMG. this thread..... and the POOR OP's predicament.

I know EXACTLY how this feels .

despite my 2.5 years... devotion, trust, encouragement, loyalty, understanding, dedication, to someone... however all my emotions spent on them I got hurt by them several times ( and they knew it )... and I still stayed devoted to them. 

But eventually , apparently, all this meant nothing to them and finally they disrespected me in the end and I couldnt take any more. pretty sad

I would never put myself through this again. its becomes much too painful if there isnt any Guarantee you can meet. .. and there has to be 150% trust. its a recipe for anxiety . Still..... you learn.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Worst **** someone can pull on you is that you don't know where you stand with them. If you know the situation clearly there should be no misunderstanding = easier life. Real life.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Sounds like a tough situation which shouldn't of even came up in the first place, sorry to say. Perhaps eventually he'll see reason, but for now his head is in the clouds in regards to not working, also living off the land costs money. This isn't a video game like Harvest Moon where you can just move to some isolated self-sufficient town utopia and have unlimited stamina and resources on the ground you can simply pick up and do your own planting and stuff, eventually living happily ever after.


Also if you met him on this site, why would you type all these negative qualities and also name him? Will he eventually read all this and feel guilty and then change?--Get a job, save, buy you a ticket? I'm just curious is all. Does he even visit or read on these forums anymore?


I don't mean to sound insensitive but I really really think he should reconsider his stance and get another job asap. If he truly wanted love, he'd be willing to work for it, he had a job before so he can obviously do it again, using SA as an excuse? Hmmm. Only he would know but is there a possibility he found someone else online or something and he's just purposely sabotaging the relationship by giving you unrealistic plans and expectations? Cause it seems to be that way. I never met anyone irl claiming they want to go off the grid and live off the land. It just isn't feasible. No, something tells me he isn't willing to fight to make this work, perhaps you should consider that if you ever finally do meet irl. Also if he pushes for sex on the first date and doesn't wait for you to initiate first, or pressures you into it, then you'll know his true ulterior motive.

LDRs take a large amount of work financially, emotionally, and time. It's ideal you meet in real life first to even see if you have real life chemistry before you both commit. If he is unable to provide such a meeting given the circumstances, then he sadly needs to be an adult and let you go so you don't feel trapped in an impossible situation wasting your time.

You should still travel to Europe and work hard, stick to your original plan and don't compromise it for something that might be just a fantasy.

I'm not saying LDRs don't work, they can, yet those are exceptions and wasting time is very disheartening in my opinion because it's by far the most valuable resource because it cannot be replenished.

I feel sorry for you both actually, getting emotionally connected with someone you can most likely never meet in real life is hell.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

Malek said:


> Sounds like a tough situation which shouldn't of even came up in the first place, sorry to say. Perhaps eventually he'll see reason, but for now his head is in the clouds in regards to not working, also living off the land costs money. This isn't a video game like Harvest Moon where you can just move to some isolated self-sufficient town utopia and have unlimited stamina and resources on the ground you can simply pick up and do your own planting and stuff, eventually living happily ever after.
> 
> Also if you met him on this site, why would you type all these negative qualities and also name him? Will he eventually read all this and feel guilty and then change?--Get a job, save, buy you a ticket? I'm just curious is all. Does he even visit or read on these forums anymore?
> 
> ...


He knows I've been typing this stuff here and he isnt happy about it, he also said he forgot his account password, which I doubt but that's what he said. I don't know, what can I say... :'(


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

Caramelito said:


> He knows I've been typing this stuff here and he isnt happy about it, he also said he forgot his account password, which I doubt but that's what he said. I don't know, what can I say... :'(


How does he know you're posting all this if he forgot his password. All you should do at this point is move on and recognize that you deserve far better than him. He's immature, rude, and inconsiderate towards you. I don't think you deserve that in the slightest.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

GGTFM said:


> How does he know you're posting all this if he forgot his password. All you should do at this point is move on and recognize that you deserve far better than him. He's immature, rude, and inconsiderate towards you. I don't think you deserve that in the slightest.


Because I told him and I read him most of the comments and he got upset and said "I don't want you to read any of the other comments any more cause I think they're brainwashing you".

:/

I know, right?


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Yeah, government is brainwashing you and also chemical from chemtrails that airplanes leave behind plays with your brain.

It's all because of Illuminati, I tell you. 

Incredible.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Our comments aside, I hope you told him the most important comments, the one's you've typed and repeated your true feelings about this whole matter. No one on here is going to know what it is truly between you two save for you two, no one even knows his side of the story. As for brainwashing, you've already known all this crap, you're just rationalizing at this point, otherwise you wouldn't of even made a thread. 

Out of curiosity, just how much would it cost him to come visit you for a couple days, how much to meet in Europe, or how much for you to vacation with him for a couple days? He could work another crap job for a bit I think if it meant he could meet you. He's free to do what he wants, just the same, so are you.

I'm sure many people could of had plenty of online girlfriends/boyfriends in the past which they would never meet ever, that sounds easy and safe, also ultimately disheartening.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I made up my mind and I dont think I will continue with this so called relationship so it doesnt really matter anymore... Really. 

:'(


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I think people can change, but that's ultimately up to them. If this was a recent thing and he's just not thinking clearly or something, maybe he could get another job and save to finally meet. Yet if this has been going on all year and he stands firm about no future... Do what truly feels right in your heart, you have to think of your happiness and future. Whatever you choose, best of luck.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

Caramelito said:


> I made up my mind and I dont think I will continue with this so called relationship so it doesnt really matter anymore... Really.
> 
> :'(


It seems to be for the best.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

Caramelito said:


> Because I told him and I read him most of the comments and he got upset and said "I don't want you to read any of the other comments any more cause I think they're brainwashing you".
> 
> :/
> 
> I know, right?


Oooh.. he knows your asking strangers for advice on your relationship? Tbh, from the moment you told him about this, that probably would've being the nail in the coffin. As for your later comment about what you've decided to do, I hope he hears it from you directly first rather than from reading it on here. Wow, you made do a 180 lol.


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

macky said:


> Oooh.. he knows your asking strangers for advice on your relationship? Tbh, from the moment you told him about this, that probably would've being the nail in the coffin. As for your later comment about what you've decided to do, I hope he hears it from you directly first rather than from reading it on here. Wow, you made do a 180 lol.


He knows. I've always been honest. Thank you for your answers and your advice Macky!


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

Strangers are better for advice because mostly they don't have agenda against you.
In contrast, someone who is close can give malicious advices to profit from situation.


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