# Fear of being left out/ alone and frusterating friends



## ChristieL4 (Dec 14, 2014)

Hello! I've never been on here before but I though I'd share what's frusterating me social anxiety wise and maybe people can relate and stuff 

I've been pretty shy my whole life but lately it's pretty much gone away after going on cipralex (medication for depression and anxiety) and just trying hard o change how I think. It's so awesome I finally feel free to say what I want and be myself in front of others! However there's one thing that hasn't gone away like at all, getting anxious about being left out. I get so anxious about this that I've been waking up everynight and worrying about it the rest of the night and not getting much sleep. 
The thing is I have some friends who are really great friends that hang out alot without me. I know that makes them sound like jerks but it's kinda different then that, their the kind of people that never ask people to hang out they just always kinda happen to be around each other and I don't live with them so I'm not. They're just really kinda groupy and absent minded and don't really think about inviting anyone else too. And I've talked to them about it many times and I think everythings good they've told me they like hanging out with me so I don't think that's it. PLUS I've never really been as good of friends with them as they are too each other so all in all I think it makes sense.
I just still get so stressed out because I don't know how to like make my way into their hang outs and I feel so left behind and I can't stop stressing about it. Plus I thought maybe I was going to live with them next year and that made me happy cause then I could hang out with them so much more and be more in the group but then they told me their house is full and ever since that I feel more stressed out. I get SO anxious about this and I don't know why! I'm just really afraid to be alone I think, if I wasn't friends with them I think I would be alone all the time and that scares me.
And the thing is I've always kinda felt like this with friends even when I DID hang out with them as much as they hung out with each other.
Anyone have any advice/ opinion/ can relate? :b


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## kitchen patio (Dec 15, 2014)

Haha yeah I can relate.

Being excluded is pretty much the only social fear I have left. It just happened to me two days ago actually. (This isn't to make this about me, I just want to illustrate a point and show how common your sentiment is.)

I was taking a pretty tough class last quarter (C systems programming). There was a dude in the class that I knew since freshman year but didn't hang out with much besides studying. We started working together to help each other out in understanding the concepts. I got to know some of the people he knew in that class. I told him I go to the gym three days a week and invited him to come work out. So occasionally he would go to the gym with me. I also started studying (ie hanging at the library) with his other friends from that class a bit.

As is the case with people with few friends, this guy knew more people than I did. He also has a social life - goes to parties and drinks on the weekends. Anyway, I also started asking his friends whenever I went to the gym. When no one wanted to go to the gym (which was most of the time), I would go alone. I still had a blast, but more people amped it up. Some days I actually preferred going on my own because there were no distractions. I would still always go with people if I could.

I should mention: that that original friend I had always talked about hanging out and going to parties, but whenever I would hit him up about it I'd never get an answer. I'm a third year in college and I haven't really partied or anything (read: had a real college experience). I had no friends in highschool so I kinda regretted not making things happen as of yet. I didn't want to use my friend, but I figured that we were pretty good friends at that point. Also, to be honest I think I'm a funnier and more entertaining guy to be around than he is (despite the fact that he has more friends). He's a very nice guy, but tbh I don't understand why he has so many friends compared to me.

So fast forward to a few days ago. It is the end of the quarter (finals week), a friend of that friend (who is my friend also now) says that our group should drink together on friday before we go home. This is the first time I've really been invited to something like this (at least in college) as sad as that is lol. I'm underage for a few more weeks so he was going to buy the booze. I'm actually a little excited because this is the first time I'm going to hang out with this group in a non-studying and non-workout context.

Friday rolls around (my finals ended wednesday - I stayed in the college town two extra days to hang out with these friends) and he doesn't hit me up. I stayed up pretty late and no one contacted me. This was weird because I was getting texts all the time from the group text.

Suspicions start to creep in. Are they hanging out without me? Are they purposefully excluding me? Are they fake friends? There is a pretty good chance they were just tired af because finals ended late for the guy who had planned this whole thing. Me personally, I passed out after my last final ended. I could understand if he was tired. But I have this nagging suspicion that has been bothering me the last two days since I've gone home.

Because of all the years of being alone, I had to rely on myself. I didn't have people to help me in every class. I'm by no means the smartest guy, but I have had to struggle through things on my own. Because of that, I was able to help every one in that group with things. I actually helped out two of them significantly on major areas. I started to wonder if maybe they were using me. I tried to "act as if" and make myself seem like the social guy that I wanted to be, but maybe they could see through me and saw that I was a loser haha.

***Skip the above if you don't care***
In any case, I don't have answers to the above questions. And I don't think you can know for sure either. I know this is tired advice but the most important thing I can say is look for an activity that doesn't really need people that you like and focus more on that. I started going to the gym consistently last quarter and it has done a lot for my general wellness. The gym is great because you can go with or without people, so there is no excuse. I made lifting into a game that I can compete against myself with every week. Doing a physical activity (as well as pranayama/meditation) also helped me with anxiety, which is the thing you should deal with first, if you have it.

The other thing is that people are drawn to positivity. I would avoid trying to desperately be a part of their group. There are plenty of other people out there. Maybe work on making friends elsewhere? Honestly that group doesn't seem like a great one. Especially if they are stressing you out indirectly.


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