# Tomorrow I See A Counselor



## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Tomorrow I see a counselor about my dating/sexual frustrations. I have a friend who saw him and ended up getting a girlfriend. I doubt he can help me because it's women who won't date me, but at the very least I won't mind having someone to vent to.

What should I expect?

I've never been to a counselor before.


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## MechanicallyMinded (Jul 17, 2017)

They will be calm and collective and won't push you where you want. The biggest issue you'll find is that you didn't say everything you wanted to say, and you'll find it hard to admit stuff at first but when you do you'll be rewarded with advice

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## MechanicallyMinded (Jul 17, 2017)

They usually ask simple questions first and let you bring out the rest, but be prepared because the hardest and first question they ask is "What brings you here today?"

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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Hmm usually the first session is an intake one, where they get to know you. Update us .


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Kevin001 said:


> Hmm usually the first session is an intake one, where they get to know you. Update us .


For sure. 

Anyone else? It's in 3 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

All depends on the type of therapy, it will vary, but the first session should be the therapist putting you at ease and explaining things. My advice would be to try to keep as open a mind as possible . Good luck.


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

I'm getting kind of nervous LOL &#128540;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MechanicallyMinded (Jul 17, 2017)

wmu'14 said:


> I'm getting kind of nervous LOL
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hang in there man it will be okay just breath deep

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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

So I went. I don't know if I should go again.


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

wmu'14 said:


> So I went. I don't know if I should go again.


Why? How'd it go?


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Neal said:


> Why? How'd it go?


Fine. I don't know how comfortable I am in saying my frustrations. I mean, I did tell him, but it feels like a privacy violation LOL How much can he really help, too?


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## MechanicallyMinded (Jul 17, 2017)

What was your overall feel of it. Was it just uncomfortable?

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## MechanicallyMinded (Jul 17, 2017)

If that's the case seeing the same person a couple of times can help it feel less like a violation, you can't let yourself convince yourself that you can't use a little bit of help just because it feels uncomfortable. You could be robbing yourself of something good

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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

wmu'14 said:


> Fine. I don't know how comfortable I am in saying my frustrations. I mean, I did tell him, but it feels like a privacy violation LOL How much can he really help, too?


I mean, to be honest your frustrations aren't all that odd so chances are he's heard similar things before. You'd just have to keep going until you got more comfortable. I don't like seeing them either but I've got some helpful insight from them. How much they help can depend on how open minded you are and what their expertise is. The one I'm talking to right now specializes in interpersonal communication but he probably wouldn't be able to help me with something like an eating disorder.


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Yah I know he's heard similar things because he helped my friend. It still makes me uncomfortable. I mean, these things are largely confidential and it feels like a privacy violation, even though I answered his questions. He says he can help try to change me but that's a scary thought and I don't know what he means about it. It makes me feel stupid having to see him. I had dreams last night everyone knew everything about me. I'm scheduled to see him again in a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Only a couple people see a counselor? Wow. No wonder why everyone here has SAD LOL


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

@wmu'14 he won't tell anyone, he _can't_ tell anyone, if he does he is out of a job.

I wouldn't worry too much about things for now, you should go back imo, and go along with what he says, you owe it to yourself to give it a proper and honest go mate. Therapy is all about you and getting yourself where you want to be . There is no other point to this other than to help you realise your goals, that is what he is going to be focusing on, end of.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Make sure you tell him you have SA and that you are having trouble because it feels like a privacy violation. Ask him anything you are concerned about, like what he plans to do to help you. I was a counseling intern, and the only time a therapist can talk to anyone else about you is if you are a threat to yourself or other people (homicidal or suicidal) and then it is only to get you help from another professional (like hospitalization if you are seriously suicidal). Therapists have heard almost every strange thing in the book, so you are not going to shock your therapist or tell him things that bring out judgement in him unless you are a serial killer or something like that. Ask him things you really want to know so you can learn to open up more around him. This should help for practice talking with potential dates, too. Learning to be open, asking for what you need to feel safe, and asking questions in general are all really important skills in a romantic relationship, too. Also tell him what would make you more comfortable if you can think of things like that. Therapy is supposed to be about having a safe space where you can be yourself and have someone help you learn how to heal. The therapist doesn't make you heal, he encourages you and helps you find the parts of yourself that are supportive and strong and you heal yourself with practice.


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

marsia said:


> Make sure you tell him you have SA and that you are having trouble because it feels like a privacy violation. Ask him anything you are concerned about, like what he plans to do to help you. I was a counseling intern, and the only time a therapist can talk to anyone else about you is if you are a threat to yourself or other people (homicidal or suicidal) and then it is only to get you help from another professional (like hospitalization if you are seriously suicidal). Therapists have heard almost every strange thing in the book, so you are not going to shock your therapist or tell him things that bring out judgement in him unless you are a serial killer or something like that. Ask him things you really want to know so you can learn to open up more around him. This should help for practice talking with potential dates, too. Learning to be open, asking for what you need to feel safe, and asking questions in general are all really important skills in a romantic relationship, too. Also tell him what would make you more comfortable if you can think of things like that. Therapy is supposed to be about having a safe space where you can be yourself and have someone help you learn how to heal. The therapist doesn't make you heal, he encourages you and helps you find the parts of yourself that are supportive and strong and you heal yourself with practice.


Okay, yes, he stressed that everything would be confidential.

One thing I'm not sure about: Do I let my frustrations really come out, or do I be more rational?

I let some of my frustrations come out because I'd like him to know I'm seeing him for a reason, but on the other hand, it makes me look really bad. It makes me look like that's how I am all the time and he didn't really see any of my positive traits.

Like he asked me how high school and college were, for example, and I told him a couple reasons they were horrible, but there were a lot of great things in them too, particularly college.

He asked me to create a list of fun things I've done for next time, so I hope he sees my positive side next time.

And for sure: I definitely think there wasn't enough time. We barely put a scratch into me LOL!!!!! Also, I didn't get a chance to ask him how he'd help.


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

No just go ahead and be honest with him. You're there to get help not impress him.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

wmu'14 said:


> Okay, yes, he stressed that everything would be confidential.
> 
> One thing I'm not sure about: Do I let my frustrations really come out, or do I be more rational?
> 
> ...


Usually the first session is a bunch of formalities where a therapist gets your history and what you want out of therapy. They start to get you know you a little, and hopefully you get time to ask questions. Since you didn't get that, be sure to bring up your questions first thing next session - even bring a list and have it out and ready if it helps. When the therapist is getting to know you you may want to show both sides of yourself - that you are competent and happy at times and that you are also struggling in some ways. Usually you spend much more time on what you are struggling with because you are there for help with that, but it does help to know someone's strengths, too. Like you said though, there isn't a lot of time, so if in doubt, I would ask him what he wants to hear about, the hard stuff for you or sharing what you are good at, too. Also concerns like that you are worried you may look bad just discussing your problems are really important to bring up because the more open you can be, the better your therapy sessions will go, but you also don't want to push yourself to the point where you feel so vulnerable that it shuts you down. You deserve a therapist who you can trust, and he needs to demonstrate that he is trustworthy, so you can say if you are not ready to talk about certain things yet until there is some trust build up.

Also knowing more about how he works as a therapist will help you know what would be more helpful for you to bring up with him. Usually in the first couple of sessions the therapist is more willing to talk about themselves and in later sessions, they want to focus more on you and may see lots of questions about you suddenly as a distraction from focusing on you. So ask all your questions now while you can!

Good luck and I hope it all works out great for you!


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

marsia said:


> Usually the first session is a bunch of formalities where a therapist gets your history and what you want out of therapy. They start to get you know you a little, and hopefully you get time to ask questions. Since you didn't get that, be sure to bring up your questions first thing next session - even bring a list and have it out and ready if it helps. *When the therapist is getting to know you you may want to show both sides of yourself - that you are competent and happy at times and that you are also struggling in some ways. Usually you spend much more time on what you are struggling with because you are there for help with that, but it does help to know someone's strengths, too.* Like you said though, there isn't a lot of time, so if in doubt, I would ask him what he wants to hear about, the hard stuff for you or sharing what you are good at, too. Also concerns like that you are worried you may look bad just discussing your problems are really important to bring up because the more open you can be, the better your therapy sessions will go, but you also don't want to push yourself to the point where you feel so vulnerable that it shuts you down. You deserve a therapist who you can trust, and he needs to demonstrate that he is trustworthy, so you can say if you are not ready to talk about certain things yet until there is some trust build up.
> 
> Also knowing more about how he works as a therapist will help you know what would be more helpful for you to bring up with him. Usually in the first couple of sessions the therapist is more willing to talk about themselves and in later sessions, they want to focus more on you and may see lots of questions about you suddenly as a distraction from focusing on you. So ask all your questions now while you can!
> 
> Good luck and I hope it all works out great for you!


For sure. I think he may've got the impression that I'm just incredibly anxious and frustrated. But I am very content with a lot of things in my life: financial situation, great job with great coworkers, how much my medication has cured my anxiety, etc. Overall I am very happy with myself. He didn't really see that. I think he needs to see that we don't need to start at Square One, we can start a few levels above that.

(I think that's a big one: we didn't get to how much the medication has 'cured' me)

We also didn't get into what really frustrates me: dating. I mean, I told him I like my job and that dating/girls are what frustrates me most of all and is the main reason I want to see him, but we didn't really talk about that. He definitely saw that's an issue though because I had a hard time saying that. I mean, that's confidential information. Even though I talk about it a lot on SAS, only a close friend knows my dating frustrations drive me insane. It's a very sensitive topic for me. Very confidential. So we probably could've talked about it more if I talked about it more, but I wasn't willing to yet. It can be uncomfortable talking about.

We talked about how I didn't tell anyone I was seeing him and how that made me feel guilty because I feel like I should tell my family and that I was afraid they'd find out without me telling them myself. We talked about how I was concerned about him not keeping the stuff I say confidential. We talked about how I was a loner in high school and college but branched out a bit more in college. He asked me about my hobbies, and I got very anxious saying my hobbies because I don't like talking about myself. He said he was happy seeing me when I first set up the appointment and then at the appointment I asked him why he had said that and he said he knows I have frustrations. We talked briefly about my social anxiety history: when I first noticed it and when I got medication for it.

One item I wonder is I know my friend's told him a lot about what I tell him about my dating/girl frustrations, but I don't know exactly what and how much he knows.

I hope your 'good luck' isn't 'good-bye.' I like getting therapy about my therapy LOL.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

wmu'14 said:


> For sure. I think he may've got the impression that I'm just incredibly anxious and frustrated. But I am very content with a lot of things in my life: financial situation, great job with great coworkers, how much my medication has cured my anxiety, etc. Overall I am very happy with myself. He didn't really see that. I think he needs to see that we don't need to start at Square One, we can start a few levels above that.
> 
> (I think that's a big one: we didn't get to how much the medication has 'cured' me)
> 
> ...


Hi! Well, I shouldn't coach you too much on your therapy. Each therapist works in their own way, and I don't want to get in the way of you forming a good solid relationship with your therapist (like "too many cooks spoil the broth" syndrome). Mostly I want to say that what you are writing me, you could tell him when you are ready. All of your concerns are perfectly normal and really good things to bring up with him.

When I was a client, I would say that something was hard for me to talk about because there is abuse in my upbringing, and I didn't want to pass that kind of negative energy on to the therapist, but they are used to it and have learned how to take care of themselves. I think most of us have content from our lives that we have been taught is shameful or too private or too much to share with others, but that is truly what therapy is for - sharing with someone things that are beyond what you can share with most people and asking for guidance about them. So trust is a total necessity, trust and a feeling that the therapist is on your side and understands where you are coming from. I have been to a therapist who acted better than me, played the expert teaching the uninformed, naive client, and that didn't work at all. It shut me right up, and that pretty much ended any growth I would ever get out of seeing her. Then I have had therapists who keep asking me questions until they really understand just where I am coming from, and they truly get me, and I remember how helpful they were to this day and am really grateful. The therapist asking good questions was really key for me (so I could go deeper into my understanding of myself and my reactions), and me being able to ask back exactly what they meant was equally important.

Anyway, it sounds like talking with him could be good practice for dating - like talking about your hobbies and getting comfortable talking about yourself. I actually have a list of things to talk with people about because I am not good at talking about myself on the spot with strangers either. I adjust my list depending on who I am talking with and what I guess they might be interested in. A lot of that sort of stuff is just ice breakers and not meant to bring up judgments about ourselves, but of course if you have SA like us, we can see how we could be judged for things like our hobbies!

So I find the first couple of sessions with a therapist a little frustrating because they have to do all this intake and not get to the real reasons you are in therapy that much, and of course I waited until I really need to go to therapy and wanted help immediately, not a couple sessions down the road! So don't despair if the first couple of sessions are a little slow. Also, you might consider keeping a journal or protected word document of what you want to bring up in therapy, or even what you talked about and your reactions to that. It is sort of like having a mini-session with yourself where you clarify your goals and explore your reactions to what was brought up.

Anyway I really encourage you to bring up your concerns with your actual therapist. And I don't mind if you ask me questions - it's nice to share what I have learned about being a client, because I do think there are passive clients who expect the therapist to magically fix them, and active clients who learn to ask for what they want and to tell their therapist if something needs tweeking in the sessions, and the active clients, of course, heal and learn about themselves much faster!


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

Try to be patient with it. Like others are saying, it takes a few sessions before you can really say how it's going and get an idea of how you would like it to go. Having goals or something specific you have concerns about that you'd like help with is really important so there is some purpose or aim to what you are doing. I know it can be really hard talking about very personal things with a therapist even knowing nothing is going to leave the room. Just saying some things out loud is really really hard and doesn't escape you without a sickening feeling. But stick with it a little while. Go at least 3 times if you can and then reflect on it. I've probably seen at least 10 different therapists and sometimes it was really helpful. My favorite was a university counselor I can't see anymore since I'm not in school, but there is one lady I've gone back to a couple times for a group of sessions and would go back to if I felt I needed to. I think it works best the more specific and directed you are about what's bothering you. Like others are saying as well though, don't bother trying to be anyone except yourself. You don't have to impress them or try to reward them or worry what they will think of you. You're paying them money to avoid concerning yourself with those kinds of distractions. Even if the material is very personal, still think of it as business, as a service you are purchasing.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Oh, also I saw that you are scheduled to see him in a month. I imagine you are doing that because therapy is very expensive, but once a month is a really long time between sessions. Could you work out a sliding scale deal with him so you could go more often?


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

Ill reply to the previous couple posts when I have more time. Thanks for your answers. I'm not ignoring you. I am pressed for time right now.



marsia said:


> Oh, also I saw that you are scheduled to see him in a month. I imagine you are doing that because therapy is very expensive, but once a month is a really long time between sessions. Could you work out a sliding scale deal with him so you could go more often?


Actually I'm on vacation the next couple weeks, and he's on vacation the following week, so unfortunately I won't meet with him for a while.

I'm not completely sure how often he wants me to see him. Were it not for the vacations, I think he'd have scheduled it, like, the 15th, so a couple weeks.

I definitely don't want to see him once a month in these early stages because I want to get to the gritty stuff sooner then later.


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## wmu'14 (Sep 17, 2010)

I feel very frustrated right now but don't see my counselor for another couple weeks. I hope I see him more often once we aren't on vacation anymore.


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