# Daughter with SAS



## smileyone (Jan 22, 2013)

My daughter has all the signs of SAD. She's 14. She doesn't like feeling like this and it breaks my heart to see her like this. She has asked to see a therapist. So I started researching about therapy for it. Seems like Cognitive Beharior Therapy may be the best way to go with her. I have one therapist and she lists CBT on her bio. Another therapist doesn't list CBT. Is there additional training licensing for CBT or should most all therapist know about CBT? My husband sees the therapist that doesn't list CBT. We were going to go have our daughter see the same therapist ( at different times) as my husband he has similar issues and thought it might be helpful to the therapist if she saw both of them. Thoughts? Should I stick with one that specifically says CBT. She wants to start therapy ASAP so I don't want to waste precious time with the "wrong therapist"


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## sickofshyness (Oct 18, 2011)

My psychologist is trained in CBT-but only uses it somewhat. I think what is more important is that the therapist has true understanding and experience with SA. Is your husband getting help in his therapy? Your daughter has to feel at least somewhat comfortable with the therapist. Maybe ask your daughter is she would be comfortable going to the same therapist or if she wants a different one. Best wishes!


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

Perhaps you should ask the therapist whether she can do CBT. Possibly she does, but did not list it. The fact that your husband sees her suggests that she has some knowledge in this area, so possibly she can, since it falls within the same general area.


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## Implicate (Feb 1, 2011)

It is great that you are recognizing your daughter's issues, and acknowledging that treatment is important to her health! It's also great to see that she is comfortable enough with you to tell you that she needs therapy! It seems like your familial unit is very strong and supportive, which is just what she and your husband need!

I'd suggest talking to your husband about how his therapy sessions go, which I assume since you are considering using the same therapist he uses, is positive and beneficial. Also call the office and explain your concerns and that you are interested in implementing CBT, and see what she offers, if not she may be able to refer you to a good therapist that utilizes it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

smileyone said:


> My daughter has all the signs of SAD. She's 14. She doesn't like feeling like this and it breaks my heart to see her like this. She has asked to see a therapist. So I started researching about therapy for it. Seems like Cognitive Beharior Therapy may be the best way to go with her. I have one therapist and she lists CBT on her bio. Another therapist doesn't list CBT. Is there additional training licensing for CBT or should most all therapist know about CBT? My husband sees the therapist that doesn't list CBT. We were going to go have our daughter see the same therapist ( at different times) as my husband he has similar issues and thought it might be helpful to the therapist if she saw both of them. Thoughts? Should I stick with one that specifically says CBT. She wants to start therapy ASAP so I don't want to waste precious time with the "wrong therapist"


They don't really have to specialize in CBT, just SA. The rest can come from a book or tapes or online. Basically, you do something and then talk about it.


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## johnbostonn (Feb 2, 2013)

A case study on a seventh grade Native American student. The author describes a 'day-in-the-life' of following a student around during her school day, and some recommendations made over the semester's observations of her overall.


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## Skitzo (Feb 2, 2013)

ManuelVinn said:


> No, it's all about early childhood, and your mother didn't do everything right if you have SA


I agree 100%


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## skbsoccermom (Feb 2, 2013)

This is my first time posting here, so I hope I'm doing it right. I totally disagree that SA is the parents fault. My daughter was diagnosed with selective mutism at a very young age (4) which is an early form of SA. I noticed that she wouldn't speak to people or make eye contact, but she was always verbal and even animated at home with her immediate family members. I also have an older son who does not have anxiety. My husbands father had severe anxiety and panic attacks, so I have no doubt it's genetic. Anyway, I took her to a therapist at an early age and once she was in school, I educated her all her teachers about selective mutism, and the importance of not making her speak out loud. I learned alot from the therapist too, about not pressuring her to speak in public. Eventually she started speaking in public, playing sports, and making friends. Although the SA never went away, she has been doing pretty well. I am noticing that as she gets older (she is 16), she is having difficulty coping with comittments. She tends to back out of things at the last minute, and is having alot of anxiety about a strict soccer coach. I am concerned because we are looking at colleges, but with her difficulty in following through on things, I don't want to set her up for failure. My question is this .. my husband sees her lack of following through on comittments as laziness, but I think it has more to do with the anxiety. Is this something that is typical of SA? I try encouraging her without being pushy. I don't want to send the message that it is ok for her to make a committment, and then not follow through, but I also am very sensitive to her anxiety because of what she went through as a small child. Sorry for the long post, but any insight is helpful because she isn't always able to recognize or verbalize these feelings.


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## Thix (Jul 14, 2012)

If your husband likes his therapist, I'd suggest going that route. If your daughter doesn't feel like she's garnering anything from the sessions you can always switch later on. The important thing is that you _are_ trying, so try no to stress too much about which one's right. You've already made the decision to get her help and that's what matters most.


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## John316C (May 1, 2011)

smileyone said:


> My daughter has all the signs of SAD. She's 14. She doesn't like feeling like this and it breaks my heart to see her like this. She has asked to see a therapist. So I started researching about therapy for it. Seems like Cognitive Beharior Therapy may be the best way to go with her. I have one therapist and she lists CBT on her bio. Another therapist doesn't list CBT. Is there additional training licensing for CBT or should most all therapist know about CBT? My husband sees the therapist that doesn't list CBT. We were going to go have our daughter see the same therapist ( at different times) as my husband he has similar issues and thought it might be helpful to the therapist if she saw both of them. Thoughts? Should I stick with one that specifically says CBT. She wants to start therapy ASAP so I don't want to waste precious time with the "wrong therapist"


you might want to ask yourself if you are doing something that is creating this problem that your unaware of... the problem may also originate from other people. the problem always originates from PEOPLE and not your daughter. unless you find the source and abolish the fear your daughter will continue exhibiting social anxiety. something may be happening to her or she may be witnessing something.


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## No Matter What (Jan 26, 2013)

*Completely Agree*



John316C said:


> you might want to ask yourself if you are doing something that is creating this problem that your unaware of... the problem may also originate from other people. the problem always originates from PEOPLE and not your daughter. unless you find the source and abolish the fear your daughter will continue exhibiting social anxiety. something may be happening to her or she may be witnessing something.


Nothing can be addresses as at fault without considering the surroundings, and for a person, it means all the people they have to be in contact with. And for a child..no matter what age..they are always considered a "CHILD" especially by their Mother..and we can actually start right there..and stay there for a long time..There is a book 
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Your-Adult-Children/dp/1594153175
All moms need to read this no matter what they define themselves as spiritually.

Love the one you are with while the are alive, and to do that, put your ego aside
and try helping yourself to help them. Otherwise when it is too late your heart will burn much worse than it is burning now...LISTEN.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

@smiley: My therapist specializes in CBT therapy. One thing I would suggest is referring your therapist to Dr. Richards' socialanxietyinstitute.org website for some tips on how to help people with social anxiety disorder. The truth is most therapists don't have much experience with social anxiety, and they try to use forceful methods like exposure therapy early on in the treatment. It would be better if you found a therapist who was gradual in their treatment.
[Removed quotes -Jones-]


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

I would go with a therapist that knows CBT. I don't believe that SA is completely 'curable' but I believe that anyone can control their SA to live a relatively normal lifestyle. Just don't expect your daughter to get better right away as it may take awhile. Also please ignore the people that blame their parents for their SA. If you want to know what it is and what causes it, it's better to do your own research than to listen to some bitter people online.


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

skbsoccermom said:


> Although the SA never went away, she has been doing pretty well. I am noticing that as she gets older (she is 16), she is having difficulty coping with comittments. She tends to back out of things at the last minute, and is having alot of anxiety about a strict soccer coach. I am concerned because we are looking at colleges, but with her difficulty in following through on things, I don't want to set her up for failure. My question is this .. my husband sees her lack of following through on comittments as laziness, but I think it has more to do with the anxiety. Is this something that is typical of SA?


Yes, I think it is typical of SA. I have done the same.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

John316C said:


> SA is a SYMPTOM you cant cure symptoms! you have to find the source


This is quite true. and I agree. When you find the source of the symptoms it's
possible to be cured.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

Skitzo said:


> I agree 100%


Whoa....this is such crap. While mothers can damage their children, you have to consider biological issues and environmental issues as well.

I would have sneered at the biological/genetic excuse for anxiety and depression until I was diagnosed with it. I spent $1,800 and half a day in a clinical psychologist's office taking a myriad of tests. Meds aggravate my conditions.....it's just a hell I'll live with and always be in as long as I'm in this human body.

As far as environment, have you been in a typical public school, even in the decent upper-middle-class areas??? Kids are CRUEL, and the cruelest ones are acting so to fend off their own insecurities. It's fight or be beaten. Most quiet kids don't have a chance of coming out of middle school normal.

Therapy only works for a child whose perception is genuinely skewed. If she feels like everyone hates her, and everyone really is avoiding her, then she is living in reality and not hallucinating or being paranoid. However, most therapists will say "oh now, do you really think that EVERYONE hates you?" -- well, in her school, everyone but her teachers, and that's everyone to a teenager.

A therapist will make sure that your child's self-esteem and self-worth is in tact, and if not, she'll talk her into believing new things about herself. Next, they'll judge how accurate your child's perceptions are (perception is our personal reality after all). If your child manages to convince the therapist that the other kids really ARE avoiding her at all costs (just using this as an example), then the therapist will attempt to make the child believe that something is wrong with everyone else (they're jealous, insecure, etc).

What it boils down to is that young teens with social anxiety are trying to fit into a broken peer group. I've got one honor student in pre-med, one in high school on Lexapro (possible bipolar), and a depressed 14 year old.....I have a 33% success rate with my kids, and can't say where their successes and problems stem from. If I had it to do over, I would have homeschooled them all and had them spend their days volunteering at local shelters where they could build their people skills amongst kind, intelligent, caring adults. After all, it's the adult world they're going to spend the rest of their lives in.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

John316C said:


> you might want to ask yourself if you are doing something that is creating this problem that your unaware of... the problem may also originate from other people. the problem always originates from PEOPLE and not your daughter. unless you find the source and abolish the fear your daughter will continue exhibiting social anxiety. something may be happening to her or she may be witnessing something.


John, that is a very uninformed, incorrect explanation you just gave. The problem CAN lie within the person -- it's not always external. Genetics DO play a part in depression AND anxiety disorders. Not all of us are wired the same.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> This is quite true. and I agree. When you find the source of the symptoms it's
> possible to be cured.


Anxiety is a SYMPTOM? Well, then mine is a symptom of bad genetics......which means meds should be the answer. Meds can alter my "symptoms" alright, but very negatively. Sometimes there is NO "cure."


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## St1mpak (Dec 11, 2012)

FormerOptimist said:


> Next, they'll judge how accurate your child's perceptions are (perception is our personal reality after all). If your child manages to convince the therapist that the other kids really ARE avoiding her at all costs (just using this as an example), then the therapist will attempt to make the child believe that something is wrong with everyone else (they're jealous, insecure, etc).


So the therapist checks the integrity of the patient's reality "map", and, even if it remains intact, might actually attempt to warp/reinforce their experiences with rationalizations (everyone else is jealous, etc)?

That's not a solution, it's a mental bandaid.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

FormerOptimist said:


> Anxiety is a SYMPTOM? Well, then mine is a symptom of bad genetics......which means meds should be the answer. Meds can alter my "symptoms" alright, but very negatively. Sometimes there is NO "cure."


Meds won't adjust genetics, so I'm not seeing
why you say they should be the answer. I'm confused with this
and not following your reasoning.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

FormerOptimist said:


> John, that is a very uninformed, incorrect explanation you just gave. The problem CAN lie within the person -- it's not always external. Genetics DO play a part in depression AND anxiety disorders. Not all of us are wired the same.


The problem can lie within the person and not be external. A good example
and easy to see is PTSD. Soldiers exhibit psychological consequences
as a result of being exposed to traumatic events in wars. 
They come home and have symptoms even though they are no longer
exposed to that stressful environment. The original
source was external but something inside the person has been changed.
This can most likely be healed the same way as traumas from childhood.
Children can exhibit symptoms from earlier traumatic events. Those 
symptoms don't necessarily mean that there is an ongoing problem in
the environment, although that could be the case.


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## Royals (Jul 20, 2012)

I would advice spiritual healing


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

John316C said:


> every physiologically sound person is wired the same.
> im not talking about someone who is wired badly genetically.
> im talking in regards to this persons concern for her daughter.
> we dont' ASSUME that her daughter is genetically problematic. we assume she is healthy physiologically and then we check off "things."
> ...


I want to comment on what you say here. I agree that poor parenting is mainly the source of a problem like SA, but it isn't about teaching behaviors, it's about giving children all the love they need, without using them to dump
unresolved personal issues. I commonly witness parents dumping inappropriate anger on their children. Children are vulnerable, will be 
traumatized and not develop properly. Then the parent will wonder 
what happened.
I'm a parent myself of two teenage boys. I do my best but can't rule out the possibility that it hasn't been good enough in some respects. Just the fact that I have struggled with my own issues means that I haven't been fully able to be there for them.
So far though, I am pleased to see that they are far healthier than I was
at that age. The truth is, the mother is the more important parent for
obvious biological reasons. Some parents can be very poor at caring for
infants and the importance of that is greatly underestimated I think.
The root cause of my own SA was a lot of neglect that took place age
5 and younger. Thanks for this discussion.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

John316C said:


> every physiologically sound person is wired the same.
> im not talking about someone who is wired badly genetically.
> im talking in regards to this persons concern for her daughter.
> we dont' ASSUME that her daughter is genetically problematic. we assume she is healthy physiologically and then we check off "things."
> ...


My responses above in red....


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

St1mpak said:


> So the therapist checks the integrity of the patient's reality "map", and, even if it remains intact, might actually attempt to warp/reinforce their experiences with rationalizations (everyone else is jealous, etc)?
> 
> That's not a solution, it's a mental bandaid.


This is the reality of talk therapy. The counselor does it in question form, such as "do you think so-and-so is having issues in their own life that is causing them to lash out?" They put ideas into the child's head so that the child can rationalize their bad situation as a way to cope.

I spent a year in a Masters of Social Work Program and have a Masters in Human Services: Marriage and Family concentration. I've taken numerous psychopathology courses and had to develop knowledge about most psych meds and treatments. I'm telling you, the more you know and the more you experience within the field of "head medicine," the more pessimistic you become.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

St1mpak said:


> So the therapist checks the integrity of the patient's reality "map", and, even if it remains intact, might actually attempt to warp/reinforce their experiences with rationalizations (everyone else is jealous, etc)?
> 
> That's not a solution, it's a mental bandaid.


I want to add that "therapy" is NEVER about solutions, but about patches and management. That is just one major problem I have with the entire profession in general (psychology, counseling, psychiatry).


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> Meds won't adjust genetics, so I'm not seeing
> why you say they should be the answer. I'm confused with this
> and not following your reasoning.


I lost my initial reply due to some weird page refresh thing.....will try again.

Anything genetically based is _considered_ to be something medical that will respond to actual chemical/med treatment. I say considered because psych meds and psych conditions (serotonin, dopamine, blah blah talk) are NOT based in any kind of concrete science......it's all a guessing game, or else we'd have concrete medical tests where we can SEE these conditions.

Depression can be situational, like having a cheating spouse or a violent child in the home. When you remove the disturbing external factors, the depression lifts. In these instances, meds are not likely to help in any positive way.

Sometimes I feel that endogenous depression is a label that this current culture places on certain introverted people who do not fit present-day society's model of what they consider "normal and healthy." Maybe I would have been perceived differently and been better able to adjust had I lived 100 years earlier.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> The problem can lie within the person and not be external. A good example
> and easy to see is PTSD. Soldiers exhibit psychological consequences
> as a result of being exposed to traumatic events in wars.
> They come home and have symptoms even though they are no longer
> ...


I do believe that if a person is traumatized on a very deep level that it can and does alter brain chemistry. But the wonderful thing about the human body is that every cell recreates itself every year. If a person was stable at some point in time, they WILL eventually get back there again if they can struggle through and try to live as they did before the trauma. Although PTSD *could* turn out to be a degenerating condition like dementia, but I doubt it.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> I want to comment on what you say here. I agree that poor parenting is mainly the source of a problem like SA, but it isn't about teaching behaviors, it's about giving children all the love they need, without using them to dump
> unresolved personal issues. I commonly witness parents dumping inappropriate anger on their children. Children are vulnerable, will be
> traumatized and not develop properly. Then the parent will wonder
> what happened.
> ...


I'm sorry to hear of your early-childhood situation. All parents make mistakes and all parenting is inadequate -- being imperfect is part of the human condition.

What's wonderful is that children are blessedly resilient. As long as a child can feel unconditional love from their parents, they will sail through their parents' mistakes and blunders with no problem (and a little more wisdom for wear). Problem is that parents think that discipline and correction do not equate love -- nothing could be further from the truth. We have to guide our kids, not yell at or demean them.

I saw my own flaws in my kids and it caused me to have negative feelings toward them. If I did not have knowledge of transcendence (university was good for something after all), I would have probably been angry with or acted out towards my kids more (I still slipped up from time to time). It's horrible to see our flaws so prominently displayed in another human being; but then again, when we see our positive traits in our kids, we beam with pride.

Some people are sociopathic and cannot feel empathy, but in general, most people are just uninformed and modeling bad parenting behaviors that they themselves were exposed to as a child. Realizing this really helps a grown child feel empathy for their own parents' plight. Forgiving others of their transgressions toward us benefits us MUCH more than it does them. We have to be forgiving with ourselves too -- sometimes, we all just screw up......it's unavoidable.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

FormerOptimist said:


> I lost my initial reply due to some weird page refresh thing.....will try again.
> 
> Anything genetically based is _considered_ to be something medical that will respond to actual chemical/med treatment. I say considered because psych meds and psych conditions (serotonin, dopamine, blah blah talk) are NOT based in any kind of concrete science......it's all a guessing game, or else we'd have concrete medical tests where we can SEE these conditions.
> 
> ...


I am an optimist because I have mostly eliminated my SA through therapy
and it won't be coming back. I've been helped with other things too; depression for example. I don't think regular talk therapy can achieve this however. Life continually brings new challenges, as you say, but I have
tools I use to deal with it. When something brings up overwhelming
feelings, I can handle that, and so I am much less lively to be depressed.

So my condition certainly wasn't genetic. Brain chemistry can be altered
but that doesn't mean that's a good focus of treatment. People should
be treated as complex individuals, not as chemical reactions. Best to
be careful about concluding that something is genetic as that implies
it can't really be changed.
All the labels for people are not that useful. I never was diagnosed with
anything. I had a lot of "complaints" that I wanted fixed with therapy
and that mostly has happened. The different complaints were all treated
the same way, not with a separate medication for each condition.


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## paulyD (Feb 16, 2011)

smileyone said:


> My daughter has all the signs of SAD. She's 14. She doesn't like feeling like this and it breaks my heart to see her like this. She has asked to see a therapist. So I started researching about therapy for it. Seems like Cognitive Beharior Therapy may be the best way to go with her. I have one therapist and she lists CBT on her bio. Another therapist doesn't list CBT. Is there additional training licensing for CBT or should most all therapist know about CBT? My husband sees the therapist that doesn't list CBT. We were going to go have our daughter see the same therapist ( at different times) as my husband he has similar issues and thought it might be helpful to the therapist if she saw both of them. Thoughts? Should I stick with one that specifically says CBT. She wants to start therapy ASAP so I don't want to waste precious time with the "wrong therapist"


go with CBT. it's the best option for social anxiety. also read gillian butlers book overcoming shyness and social anxiety. that book will open your eyes a lot

also look at NLP (neuro linguistic programming). it's extremely effective for social anxiety when combine with cbt

your daughter is at the perfect age to overcome this. the socialization period is age 14-21 so if your daughter begins taking action right now then see can at least live the socialization period. i myself completely missed all of my 14-21. 
i didn't realize i had a problem until i was 19 years old. i didn't even know that i had social anxiety or that it existed until i was 20 years old. and i wasn't ready to take action until i was 22 years old because it took me 2 whole years of trial and error to figure out what works and what doesn't

on my journey i learn that cbt, nlp, and lots and lots of support(from a cbt therapist, friends, family, work colleagues, support groups) is the only thing that works. all the rest of it like medication etc... is a complete waste of time

here is what you should do:

*read gillian butlers book
*make a plan/set a goal (the correct plan to follow is in gillian butlers book. just take it step by step starting with ''changing thinking patterns''
*have 1-2 therapy sessions with an NLP practionaire
*see a cbt therapist
*join a support group
*get lots and lots of help from friends, family, school mates etc....
*tell all of your daughters teachers, school mates, school mates parents etc.. exactly what your daughter is going through. the reason for this is that people will social anxiety are often misunderstood. people misjudge their behaviour as being stuck up. people dont realize that you are actually terrified. this leads to people rejecting you and treating you badly- the exact things that your daughter probably fears. you'll be amazed at how people change towards your daughter when they realize what she is going through. people can't read morse code. they dont know that your daughter is scared of people
*start off with very small steps. take it slow and just focus on progress. your daughter might feel a bit disheartend with the fact that she is behind her peers or doesn't yet have the social skills they have. but that is the exact opposite of focusing on progress. that is focusing on perfection. you need to take small steps and be happy with your porgress. thats the only way to get better
*learn how to use nlp techniques such as modelling, anchoring, mental rehearsal, self image vizualisation. these things really work. paul mckenna does a lot of great stuff
*definately get your daughter to stick to a healthy diet and exercise routine. maybe even learn martial arts or kickboxing because people with social anxiety really need to toughen themselves up. learning martial arts could be the difference between suceeding and failing. i beleive it is that important for someone with social anxiety
**EVERYDAY LISTEN TO THINKRIGHTNOWS CONQUERING SOCIAL ANXIETY CD - WWW.THINKRIGHTNOW.COM. *

- the thinkrightnow cd is incredible. its the best self help porduct bar none in my opinion


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## smileyone (Jan 22, 2013)

*update*

Wow! I can't believe all the posts about poor parenting caused this. I won't waste my time addressing those comments as my daughter has had nothing but love and support from myself and her dad.
As for therapy, we are about to attend our 4th session. She loves her therapist and she even commented to me yesterday that she feels it is helping her alot. We have been told that the anxiety probably will never go away, and that is not always a bad thing, but she will learn how to manage it and mentally work her way through it. So far its working with her and I can see that she is really gaining alot out of the therapy. She feels very encouraged and I can see the changes.


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

smileyone said:


> Wow! I can't believe all the posts about poor parenting caused this. I won't waste my time addressing those comments as my daughter has had nothing but love and support from myself and her dad.
> As for therapy, we are about to attend our 4th session. She loves her therapist and she even commented to me yesterday that she feels it is helping her alot. We have been told that the anxiety probably will never go away, and that is not always a bad thing, but she will learn how to manage it and mentally work her way through it. So far its working with her and I can see that she is really gaining alot out of the therapy. She feels very encouraged and I can see the changes.


This is great news. Your daughter is very lucky to have such understanding parents, sometimes it can be very difficult to get parents to understand that it's not just something that you can "get over", that it takes time and a lot of work.

I was 14 when my SA was diagnosed, but we traced it all the way back to when I was a toddler before I'd even had any social experiences outside of the home and back then my parents were together and they were great.. so clearly SA is not all down to parenting problems or environment.. you can be the best parent you can be and still have a child with SA. It sounds to me like you are a very good parent, and a very supportive family.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

smileyone said:


> Wow! I can't believe all the posts about poor parenting caused this. I won't waste my time addressing those comments as my daughter has had nothing but love and support from myself and her dad.
> As for therapy, we are about to attend our 4th session. She loves her therapist and she even commented to me yesterday that she feels it is helping her alot. We have been told that the anxiety probably will never go away, and that is not always a bad thing, but she will learn how to manage it and mentally work her way through it. So far its working with her and I can see that she is really gaining alot out of the therapy. She feels very encouraged and I can see the changes.


My anxiety has mostly gone away, and that is improving continuously.
That happens as I uncover and feel the effects of poor parenting,
and for me it is not a theory, it is the reality of what happened to me.
This has nothing to do with assigning blame as I believe that my
parents did the best they could.


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## Hamster12 (Jun 11, 2012)

smileyone said:


> We have been told that the anxiety probably will never go away, and that is not always a bad thing, but she will learn how to manage it and mentally work her way through it.


That sounds like a good therapist. I can't believe all the negative comments about parenting either. I think it's definitely genetic, for two reasons:

1. I was a very fearful child in most situations. My sister is totally outgoing.

2. When I take Valium my SA disappears and as soon as it wears off after about four hours I'm back to SA.

I've done a lot of work with animals and if you look at dogs you'll see all the different personalities too, from timid to extrovert.

Yes, some dogs may be made timid from trauma, same with people, but for those who haven't had any trauma, it's just the way they are, from puppyhood on up.

And I like the quiet sensitive ones just as much as the mad gregarious ones (who can be a pain in the butt sometimes  )


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

Hamster12 said:


> That sounds like a good therapist. I can't believe all the negative comments about parenting either. I think it's definitely genetic, for two reasons:
> 
> 1. I was a very fearful child in most situations. My sister is totally outgoing.
> 
> ...


These are not good reasons for concluding your SA is genetic.
It pays off to be open minded and fully research the available
information on a subject. 
But finding a way to manage or cope with anxiety could be a good option
for people who don't want to get to the actual causes.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

smileyone said:


> Wow! I can't believe all the posts about poor parenting caused this. I won't waste my time addressing those comments as my daughter has had nothing but love and support from myself and her dad.
> As for therapy, we are about to attend our 4th session. She loves her therapist and she even commented to me yesterday that she feels it is helping her alot. We have been told that the anxiety probably will never go away, and that is not always a bad thing, but she will learn how to manage it and mentally work her way through it. So far its working with her and I can see that she is really gaining alot out of the therapy. She feels very encouraged and I can see the changes.


Your daughter is very blessed that she has a mom who actually cares enough to look into options that could improve the quality of her life. My parents always swept it under the rug -- hid it from everyone -- even though mine was inherited from them. I always wonder how my life would have turned out if my issues were being addressed at age 14 and throughout my teen years instead of being dismissed. Kudos to you.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> My anxiety has mostly gone away, and that is improving continuously.
> That happens as I uncover and feel the effects of poor parenting,
> and for me it is not a theory, it is the reality of what happened to me.
> This has nothing to do with assigning blame as I believe that my
> parents did the best they could.


Most "bad" parents are victims of their own faulty upbringing....they just model the broken parenting styles that they themselves were exposed to throughout their childhood. So many of us have had parents that just did not care (or were too overbearing), so it's natural for society to think that a youngster's issues are brought on by their parents (even if that's not always the truth).


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

Hamster12 said:


> That sounds like a good therapist. I can't believe all the negative comments about parenting either. I think it's definitely genetic, for two reasons:
> 
> 1. I was a very fearful child in most situations. My sister is totally outgoing.
> 
> ...


While I was never fearful growing up, I was riddled with anxiety and depression; and my sister is also very outgoing without an ounce of anxiety in her at anytime.

When I picked out my dog at 7 weeks, I also chose the quiet, timid one. And yes, she's very anxious and nervous......stays stuck to me like glue.  But she has a big heart.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

FormerOptimist said:


> Most "bad" parents are victims of their own faulty upbringing....they just model the broken parenting styles that they themselves were exposed to throughout their childhood. So many of us have had parents that just did not care (or were too overbearing), so it's natural for society to think that a youngster's issues are brought on by their parents (even if that's not always the truth).


I think that therapy can heal the wounds of childhood traumas which are the cause of anxiety. Some of it is not caused directly by the parents. Look at all the cases of sexual abuse. This stuff may come out in the therapy process. Other examples are circumstances, like a single parent having to work long hours to support the family. It is difficult to be a good parent under those conditions. Feelings don't follow logic however. The feeling of a child can be,"where is mommy or daddy", when these things are happening. In the end, as parents we are responsible for the welfare of our children.

I'm in agreement with what someone else said that any parent who brings
their child in for therapy is to be commended.


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## FormerOptimist (Feb 15, 2013)

pbanco said:


> I think that therapy can heal the wounds of childhood traumas which are the cause of anxiety. Some of it is not caused directly by the parents. Look at all the cases of sexual abuse. This stuff may come out in the therapy process. Other examples are circumstances, like a single parent having to work long hours to support the family. It is difficult to be a good parent under those conditions. Feelings don't follow logic however. The feeling of a child can be,"where is mommy or daddy", when these things are happening. In the end, as parents we are responsible for the welfare of our children.
> 
> I'm in agreement with what someone else said that any parent who brings
> their child in for therapy is to be commended.


Some things do break beyond repair. The more therapy, and the more pills popped, and the more one tries; it eventually becomes evident just how broken they really are.

Yes, there are many factors that play into one's mental condition. Ultimately for some of us, acceptance of our condition is the only peace about the matter that we will ever have while on this earth.


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

FormerOptimist said:


> Some things do break beyond repair. The more therapy, and the more pills popped, and the more one tries; it eventually becomes evident just how broken they really are.
> 
> Yes, there are many factors that play into one's mental condition. Ultimately for some of us, acceptance of our condition is the only peace about the matter that we will ever have while on this earth.


You'd be surprised what can be healed. Generally speaking people
are hoping for a quick fix. Pills and/or short term therapy can't
do much for deep issues.


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