# I hate myself...No body to talk to



## drucilla (Oct 14, 2015)

Hi, apologises in advance if I am ranting, but quite honestly I have nobody to talk to..

I feel miserable with everything since I remember myself. I would assume it is anxiety and maybe mild depression even though I have never been diagnosed. I hate myself, I hate my life.. I see no point.. For a first I have no aim, no goal, no nothing...

I hate the way I look, I think I am way to ugly and fat and that kills my buzz to even put an effort into looking good.. Most of my week I spent working - I am a carer in a Residential home, so even dressing up for work is not an option as pretty much my job is quite messy, involving long exhausting hours.. Lately, I am getting totally fed up with it.. I am 22 and in agony because of my back pain due to all the manual handling.. I need to work 50+ hours a week if I want to manage with the bills and save some money... Not only I find my job extremely boring but lately I find the service users extremely annoying.... I know it is a horrible thing to say and I feel horrible about it but listening to the same thing e.g. "I want a pink top" every five seconds for 7=13 hours a day, 6 days a week for the past 2 years is getting on my NERVES...

I recently graduate in top 10 of my class.. and yet can't get a job... can't get to an interview, and despite what my tutors tells me that I am good, smart blah blah I just don't believe it... I don't think I know anything as I spent more time working than studying.. I am not confident that I can do any graduate level job and my anxiety doesn't help... My tutors are encouraging me apply for a PhD and I am hesitant.. Main reason I don't think I am good enough for it.. I have fear of disappointing them.. every time I submit a work I am shivering that it will be horrible and I will fail.. I hate them reading my drafts as I think they will realise they have been wrong and I am not good at all, and they will regret wasting their time with me... Every time I work in a team I feel as if people are nice to my face but talk behind my back (and in the case with my care job I know that is the case)... so that lead me to question am I such a horrible person?

I don't have friends... I have always find it hard to make friends but I have never had any since I moved to the UK.. It just looks like people don't like me... have no one to go out with, no one to chat to... I don't even know what I want t do any more.. as everything that I feel eager to do I need money for that I don't have.. I can't afford Masters in the fled I want without it it will be hard to progress onto a PhD that I want.. I want to travel can't afford to.. I live in a house I hate with people I can't stand paying 1/2 my salary for the rent of a room in a house that I don't even have time to stay as I am working most of the time... I am not happy in my relationship either, even though there is no apparent reason it... I just wonder what the hell is the point of leaving if i do is the same thing every day one after the other... nothing brings me pleasure .. I just want to be happy to have nothing to worry about and leave my life.... which I cannot do because of financial reasons.. I cannot even go out for a meal without feeling horribly guilty for spending.. I hate spending on myself as I don't think I deserve it...

It is just I never feel enough.. I am not good enough in anything.. I am not thin enough, I am not beautiful enough, I am not good enough daughter or sister, or a friend or a partner.. I am not smart enough.. I think I am a horrible person because I bust in uncontrollable anger sometimes and can be so irritable... T feel like I am a boring person and that is why nobody likes me and everybody hates me... I think am a lazy person for not just doing something 24/7 and sitting in front of the TV... I think am stupid and that I need to know more and do more... I just want peace... and never seem to get any... don't know what to do ...


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Message me any time. You are not alone. We are here for you.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

It's terrible the things we tell ourselves. But the thing is to try and start to challenge all of this negative self-talk. 

I find it hard to do things too - I can find it very hard just to make a phone call. I have to psych myself up for it.

You need to stop giving yourself such a hard time. Just make one small change at a time. Then it won't overwhelm you.


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## Shawn81 (Jul 9, 2014)

I have a lot of the same issues. Self-loathing/hate, no friends, no one to talk to. I've spent the last two days just sitting here refreshing this forum, which is all I do anymore when not at work. Every once in a while someone will talk to me on and off for an evening, maybe two.

What are some of your interests?


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## drucilla (Oct 14, 2015)

Mainly reading.. when I manage to queit the voices ;D


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## stopdepression (Oct 17, 2015)

*drucilla, my friend*

I can totally relate to what you have written. I've had the same thoughts and feelings as you do. I've had depression with Social Anxiety Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder for 45 years before getting treatment. (Notice the acronym for both these conditions/illness is SAD)

The things you wrote about are common for a lot of people. Not to minimize how you feel. It's to let you know that you are not alone. There are people that truly care about people and YOU. People who have been "there" or are "still going through it." Many people are afraid of the stigmas, judgment, or labels. It was my biggest fear that my coworkers would find out about my depression. I thought they would shy away from me. I was outgoing at my job. Other than that I do things solo. I am a Registered Nurse. I too, take care of patients. I suffered through not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to take a shower, not eating, not sleeping, staying in my dark cozy cave. I didn't want to go out, but when I did, I wanted to go home. Sometimes it was just to the grocery store. I was forgetful, tearful and had difficulty concentrating. The only thing I do is watch TV or go on the computer.It was to have movement going on before my eyes and sounds of people talking or laughing on the show. It distracted me, even if for a short while. I only watch comedies or light-hearted shows or go on the computer. I've cried enough. I want to laugh again. I'm sure you do to. I hope you find this helpful. Keep us posted. Okay?

I know the challenge of having to be 100% when you only have 10% in you. I love my career, but there are days I want to quit. not just my career. Quit everything. Quit breathing. Quit my heart from beating, quit my life on this earth. It's hard work, both physically and mentally. The only thing that keeps me going are the patients who are thankful that you are taking care of them. Making sure they are not in any pain, talking with them, educating them, getting to know the person, not the patient, getting you fresh water, helping you bathe and changing the bed linens, changing dressings, assisting walking, and heading off potential problems.

You should get a full medical exam. There is no exam or blood work that detects depression. Rather, it is a self-evaluation questionnaire of your signs and symptom and the psychiatrist putting all these things together. There may be physical illness/condition that attribute you to feeling this way. Get blood work level checked. Your thyroid may not be working properly. There could be a host of reasons for how you are feeling, Durcella. Hormones and chemicals in your body that are depleted or not effective. Or you may be clinically depressed. And you can't just "snap out of it". I've had depression 45 years now, twice your young age. I suffered as a child not knowing what was wrong deep down inside. Back then, no one ever would think a child could have depression. My depression became extremely powerful, taking over my life. I was in nursing school when it really hit and it hit hard. I developed an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa. It was hard to concentrate sometimes. It was difficult, but I was the valedictorian of my graduating nursing class. This didn't mean a thing to me. I wasn't happy or sad, just numb.

Your age group is one of the prime age groups(18-25 years old) that people start to see and feel the signs and symptoms you are experiencing. After you get your medical exam, go to a psychiatrist and/or therapist or a publically funded mental illness treatment center. Don't stop until you find the right one. It is worth the effort. I can not tell you how much my psychiatrist truly care. I've never felt this cared for in my life. It is a team effort to work on your issues. I know I am not a doctor or claiming to be one, but it does sound like depression to me. You cannot, nor have to, fight this battle alone. I know the struggles, the pain, the hopelessness you are going through. The best thing you can do as you put it is "rant" about it. You are not ranting, you are sharing your story, and by doing that you are helping other people.

I do hope you seek medical help. If nothing is showing up medically, it may very well be depression. Then you can start to get the appropriate treatment. Don't let it advance to where it costs you your family, your husband, your children (perhaps someday), your job, your co-workers, your money, your house, and your health. Do something now. You deserve it to yourself to find happiness. I'm not there yet, but I am closer than I was 5 years. I hope you will meet up with one another in beating this depression..the signs and symptoms can be overcome.


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear that, Drucilla. I think it's important to identify your own self worth and what you can offer so you can feel better. Graduating in the top 10 of your class is impressive, and while you struggle with going to work every week, sounds like you're a very capable and hard working person. Difficulty in finding a job and making ends meet is very common in people of our age demographic and is more of a societal issue than a negative reflection of you. 

Would you be so critical of someone else in the same position as you? I relate to everything you're saying. I feel like I'm always bound to mess up. And even if I do impress someone, it feels like it's only a matter of time before I disappoint them. But these are things I try to tell myself when I get overwhelmed. 

I hope you feel better soon anyway


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## ShadowOnTheWall (Dec 24, 2010)

Clubs and hobby groups is the easiest way imo


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## drucilla (Oct 14, 2015)

Rixy said:


> I'm sorry to hear that, Drucilla. I think it's important to identify your own self worth and what you can offer so you can feel better. Graduating in the top 10 of your class is impressive, and while you struggle with going to work every week, sounds like you're a very capable and hard working person. Difficulty in finding a job and making ends meet is very common in people of our age demographic and is more of a societal issue than a negative reflection of you.
> 
> Would you be so critical of someone else in the same position as you? I relate to everything you're saying. I feel like I'm always bound to mess up. And even if I do impress someone, it feels like it's only a matter of time before I disappoint them. But these are things I try to tell myself when I get overwhelmed.
> 
> I hope you feel better soon anyway


Thanks for the encouraging words


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## drucilla (Oct 14, 2015)

ShadowOnTheWall said:


> Clubs and hobby groups is the easiest way imo


Indeed it is the easiest way, however I don't really like clubs, and groups make my anxiety worse :serious:


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## Shawn81 (Jul 9, 2014)

I don't do clubs, and can't handle groups either. So I sit here and obsessively check forums all day on my days off even though I'm not actually talking to anyone. It's great!*

*not actually great


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## Robot the Human (Aug 20, 2010)

It sounds like you should shave a bit of that busy life away. I'm convinced that people can literally work themselves to their graves, and it's usually a very gradual process. I know it's rough out there trying to balance work and pleasure. Do you have a plan B or will plan A get any better toward the end? I hope you can find a way to at least slow down that treadmill you are on, if not jump off of it for a while. 

If I was a doctor, I'd write you a prescription to spoil yourself with something immediately. Everyone must obey doctors' orders! I hope you can find a way to do something for yourself. Not only does it sound like you need it, but you definitely deserve it.


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## GreyWorld (Oct 8, 2015)

Well, look at it this way: Your professors know their jobs well, right? And they wouldn't tell a student they were good unless they really were good. So they must have confidence in your knowledge and skills, even if you don't. You may not FEEL as if you're good enough, but you must be, or so many people wouldn't be saying so. It is hard to accept that sometimes. I know the feeling of never quite measuring up to other people's expectations, of never being good enough for anyone or anything no matter how hard you try. You are fortunate to have furthered your education, which at least gives you some job options that people like me don't have. The fact that you were able to do that while battling social anxiety issues, depression, and back pain, and working at a difficult job, says a lot about what a capable, smart, strong person you can be. I'm certainly impressed with you.


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## nexus321 (Mar 4, 2013)

I had back pain too, this is what I did. Get a yoga mat and do some pilates stretches, google images it's really simple. And secondly get a better chair with back support. Trust me it works!


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