# 31 and never had a girlfriend...



## Nightwisher

Anyone else in a similar situation? I am 31, and never had a girlfriend...as in never had a girl who was attracted to me, never held hands with me and never made love and everything else most people do by age 21. 

I have been on a couple of "dates" with girls from work, but it never amounted to anything and I realize now it was "just being friends". 

I have had "almost friends", as in acquaintances who I would hang out with from activities (believe it or not, Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to meet people) but never had anything close to a girlfriend. And I'm 31!

I feel like it's too late at this point. Younger women will want nothing to do with me and older women are too experienced and will find me childish. At the same time I realize it is all but impossible for me to find someone, I really do want someone...

And I feel like a failure too. 31, and no girlfriend, no career really (work in a restaurant) no degree, only recently moved out of my parent's house, and I'm over 30. When people bring it up I just lie and say I had a girlfriend a year ago and quickly change the subject, because if they found out I was 31 and never had a girlfriend I think they would assume I'm a psycho with prostitutes buried under my backyard and a dog that talks to me. 

Anyone else in a similar situation?...and has anyone started dating WAY later in life and had success?


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## DarrellLicht

I never had anyone steady. I might get to hang out with a female once every other year and I'm lucky to get to hang out a second time. 

It doesnt help I live in a sparsely populated area, and I don't really have a desire to go out. 

My thoughts on 'dating success' would be if you actually enjoyed yourself while hanging out with the person. Most of the time it felt like a job interview to me.

Hate to sound like a Debbie Downer, but guys like us arent an ideal option.. And there are lots of options out there despite that we're not bad people. When a person in question has certain expectations for a love prospect, all the given choices always takes away the overall satisfaction of the decision they make. That seems to be the case anyway.. Grass is always greener, the strain of 1st world life.

It's tough all over dude :yes


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## northroad

I had my first relationship at 27, and it was pretty much a failure. It lasted for much longer than it should have because I put up a front, hoping to prolong it so that I could learn. 

I'm 29 now. One big problem we have is that just about any opposite sex our age is going to be very experienced relationship wise and is going to expect the same. I doubt any ladies are going to want to date a guy that has the experience of a teenager. Our maturity can only make up for so much


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## intheshadows

I relate to you all.


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## zork2001

I relate, I don’t think I have the maturity of a teenager though. I kind of agree with moroff but at the same time I don’t really try… like at all… in fact I will go out of my way to avoid it. I don’t know why I just always have, anything above friendship makes me feel so firkin uncomfortable.


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## Mongoose

I'm in the same boat. I don't even bother to try to get a date anymore - too late. No woman in her right mind will ever go out with me - an unemployed virgin loser who has lived with his parents his whole life - over guys who have normal lives. If my parents were dead, I'd just kill myself and get it over with. Because my life is over.


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## visualkeirockstar

Damn I'm 8 years behind.


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## Nightwisher

Mongoose said:


> I'm in the same boat. I don't even bother to try to get a date anymore - too late. No woman in her right mind will ever go out with me - an unemployed virgin loser who has lived with his parents his whole life - over guys who have normal lives. If my parents were dead, I'd just kill myself and get it over with. Because my life is over.


 You should never be that down man...look on the bright side, nowhere to go now but up.


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## Mousey9

I wouldn't say younger women will want nothing to do with you, I've seen a lot of them with older men, some even prefer it. As long as you have your **** together...

I really don't have much to offer here, just trying to prevent myself from getting into that position. But with the direction my life is going, and the fear of the opposite sex, it's quite possible.


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## Mongoose

Nightwisher said:


> You should never be that down man...look on the bright side, nowhere to go now but up.


That's like saying I might as well keep playing the lottery because I can't get any poorer than I am.


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## Starss

Do people think you're gay because you've never been in a relationship? I had a lady ask me this when I was 17 and she was like oh are you a lesbian then because I didn't have a boyfriend. I'm like are you for real and that ***** was ugly as **** and I'm like so beautiful and she had the nerve to say that to me. I especially hate when ugly people think they're better than me because they're in a relationship.


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## harrison

Starss said:


> Do people think you're gay because you've never been in a relationship?* I had a lady ask me this when I was 17 and she was like oh are you a lesbian then because I didn't have a boyfriend. *I'm like are you for real and that ***** was ugly as **** and I'm like so beautiful and she had the nerve to say that to me. I especially hate when ugly people think they're better than me because they're in a relationship.


Maybe she was hitting on you?


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## Starss

PHP:







don36 said:


> Maybe she was hitting on you?


Umm no people always expect for me to have a boyfriend because of the way I look but since I'm single they think I'm a lesbian and I hate that.


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## harrison

OP I don't think it's ever too late. I guess the important thing is to see what it is that hasn't worked in the past and try to change it. If it's anxiety that holds you back from talking to women, try to find ways to lessen that anxiety. ( Obviously easy for me to say but otherwise things will never change. )


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## harrison

Starss said:


> PHP:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Umm no people always expect for me to have a boyfriend because of the way I look but since I'm single they think I'm a lesbian and I hate that.


Sorry I was just a being a bit cheeky. ( Although it's possible. ) You'll find that people will think what they want to anyway - what's important is that you do something to make yourself happier.

To answer your question - no, nobody ever thinks I'm gay but there were a couple of guys once that wished I was. :um Very disturbing indeed!


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## Lance01

*There's hope*

It bothers me to know that you guys are feeling the same way I used to. I never thought I would ever get a girlfriend. One day about a year ago I decided the hell with it and decided I had nothing to lose. It sucked feeling so lonely all the time and I had enough. It's really like everything else you just have to make a conscious effort to do something about it. The fear of rejection and awkwardness probably held me back more than anything. So I just started randomly striking up conversations with strangers on the street. I figured the worst that could happen is they would walk away. I would talk to anyone and everyone about anything. This really helped. It took awhile, but now I actually have no problem talking to women I don't know. And if I ask them out and they say no I don't go home and hide. I realized that everyone is different and thats their choice if they do not want to interact with me. Now I just move on to the next person and don't let the rejection affect my confidence. You guys should try this.


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## Overthinker80

I'm 33 and have never had a girlfriend even though I've had one night stands so this worries me but I simply refuse to believe there isn't a woman out there who I'd like that would be willing to go out with me.

There's a lot of different kinds of people in the world and I just refuse to believe that there's no woman out there who would understand my situation but the problem is that I don't have a job or direction and ****ing live with my parents which makes me feel REALLY pathetic at this age and yeah, I have a hard time believing any woman would want me till I get my **** together.

However, there are reasons why I'm at where I am and I know I'll figure things out eventually and I think once I have a semi-decent job and my own place that never having had a gf won't be enough by itself to drive away a truly cool girl but she's going to have to be very understanding and just all around awesome to deal with me. If she's not and judges me for my situation than **** her she can **** off.

Man, talk about anxiety this thread has now triggered my worries that I'll never find anyone.

****, that's an invitation for someone to come in and say things will all work out haha.

Gotta love good old Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is of course one of the reasons I am where I am.

Now someone please come and tell me I'm right that things will work out and I'm truly not as ****ing pathetic as I feel...


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## BillDauterive

26 and never had a GF, much less even been on a date, held hands with a girl, kissed a girl, had sex (please!), etc. I see it being that way if I even reach 30.

I'm going to have to hate lying to people and telling them that I've had sex and had a girlfriend in the past but just don't have one now. Ugh....


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## ChuckBrown

This totally sucks, I am 29. I am constantly worrying if I do find someone, my inexperience will be a huge turn off. Women my age have some much dating/relationship experience. How good can I be in my first relationship? 

I think if I get a young girl they won't know any better. Then I feel really ****ty, I am just going to be alone forever.


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## farfegnugen

Women complicate things, often needlessly. Find yourself and a direction you want to go in and don't worry about what you can't change. There will always be someone out there with an open mind if you give yourself a chance.


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## Overthinker80

farfegnugen said:


> Women complicate things, often needlessly. Find yourself and a direction you want to go in and don't worry about what you can't change. There will always be someone out there with an open mind if you give yourself a chance.


Good advice.

Me personally I'm just going to work on becoming awesome.

It might take years before I'm happy with myself and where I'm at but I figure when I am there will be a woman who will be also.

I don't think any of us is ****ed in our situations if we just work on what we can accomplish at the moment and let relationships come later.


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## mm1212

I am 33 years old....a female by the way...and completely understand where u are coming from. I have only been in a few relationships if u can even call them relationships. The last one lasted 2 years and he completely used me and know i am in debt cause i trusted him and he shouldnt have been trusted..so my life took steps backwards just when i was going ahead. I am with someone know but he lives far from me...so shall see what happens. My whole life has been hard. I have never lived on my own..only when i was in a relationship with someone who had their own place. I dont live with my parents but i did live with them til my mid 20's and know i rent from my brother. I constantly get a few people at my job asking me when i will live on my own and one of my coworkers said the other day that if i dont move out know i will be living with my brother til im 80...people who dont have anxiety cant possibly understand what we have to deal with. Most likely i will never get married or have children...i will be 34 this december and would not want my child to have the life i had...i have an ok job...and recently got a raise but i dont make enough to live on my own because of debt i accumulated from my last relationship and first time in my life have a car payment so i barely get by...my boyfriend cant give up his job he has bills and he is 28 just for the record and has no mental illness and recently moved back with his parents to get himself back together and save money so he can move out again...there are people out there without a mental illness who do not live on their own...i would say to all on here dont give up and keep fighting...it is soo reassuring that i am not alone...have i considered ending it all...sure i have...but i have to keep going...dont have a choice hugs to all


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## Richard Pawgins

life sucks


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## mm1212

and yes i have also lied and told a few fibs to make myself look better to others cause i was embarassed of my life


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## Bergv

mm1212 said:


> I am 33 years old....a female by the way...and completely understand where u are coming from. I have only been in a few relationships if u can even call them relationships. The last one lasted 2 years and he completely used me and know i am in debt cause i trusted him and he shouldnt have been trusted..so my life took steps backwards just when i was going ahead. I am with someone know but he lives far from me...so shall see what happens. My whole life has been hard. I have never lived on my own..only when i was in a relationship with someone who had their own place. I dont live with my parents but i did live with them til my mid 20's and know i rent from my brother. I constantly get a few people at my job asking me when i will live on my own and one of my coworkers said the other day that if i dont move out know i will be living with my brother til im 80...people who dont have anxiety cant possibly understand what we have to deal with. Most likely i will never get married or have children...i will be 34 this december and would not want my child to have the life i had...i have an ok job...and recently got a raise but i dont make enough to live on my own because of debt i accumulated from my last relationship and first time in my life have a car payment so i barely get by...my boyfriend cant give up his job he has bills and he is 28 just for the record and has no mental illness and recently moved back with his parents to get himself back together and save money so he can move out again...there are people out there without a mental illness who do not live on their own...i would say to all on here dont give up and keep fighting...it is soo reassuring that i am not alone...have i considered ending it all...sure i have...but i have to keep going...dont have a choice hugs to all


I see life as a learning experience and I dont believe that a life can take steps backwards the way you wrote it. Even if life sets you back it doesn't really because you have learned so much. You have become so much wiser and experienced. You write about about having children and getting married if that is what you want make it your dream accept it as a dream and life by it think about it every day. Im also having trouble with bonding to people, I am very closed and seem to always listen to other peoples problems other then talking about mine myself.
You guys/girls will all be fine. Why? no reason... I guess life is too complicated to life by the rules so you'll have to make your own.

GL all

Hopeless person


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## CeilingStarer

Meh.


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## Just Here

I'm just wonder how much your time you spend trying to find girlfriends. Do you keep your head in a buckets? Are you to picky about the girls you would like to date? Do you shower and keep yourself clean? I just don't get it there are lot of ways to meet people. Some of this has to do with SA but at 33 years and no date. Your not trying hard enough. Just my opinion.


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## senrab

OP, I completely identify with you...here's my story, maybe it will help in some way:

I am a 31 year old woman who will be 32 in 3 weeks. I have never had a boyfriend in my life. No kissing, no handholding, no nothing. It's the greatest tragedy of my life. When people ask me if I'm dating anyone, I usually blurt out "no, I have problems with shyness" or "I'm private about that" and change the subject. I've also been asked two or three times if I like girls. Because if someone hasn't been dating for years and years, they _must_ be gay by default! [sarcasm]

It really didn't bother me until I reached 26 or 27. At that time, my friends were either starting to get engaged or serious with their partners. [to their credit, none of my truly close friends have ever pried about my love life.] I guess I assumed in my youth that everything would just fall into place, like it seemed to for everyone else? This sounds dumb, but sometimes I thought I would meet a guy in some chance encounter in a train station and we would instantly fall in love, like in the movies? I know that in reality, it usually never happens this way. But I'm a hopelessly sentimental romantic who daydreams a lot and I can't help it. I tried reaching out 2 or 3 years ago with online dating. I went on a few dates. They were nice guys but none of them worked out. Then I had a crush on my cousin's brother-in-law, and I wrote him a letter and told him so. [frigging love letters] He wrote a very kind note back, saying that he was currently dating someone he cared for a lot. (They're now engaged and getting married in September.)

I can count on my fingers the number of times I've been approached by a guy in person. My therapist says it's because I am radiating an aura, a forcefield of negativity, like "stay away from me". And she's absolutely right. I have been told by various friends & family that I am attractive (I think I'm average looking, like most people in this world) and my appearance nowadays is a lot better than when I was younger.

I shut down the dating stuff a year ago, when I fell into a major depressive episode. It's been really hard trying to come back from it. My depression is partly being fed by this stuff and other SA issues + grief, and the other part is definitely biological and chronic.

I've gotten over the things that held me back when I was younger. At that time, I was terrified of the physicality of sex, and I also had some religious guilt combined with my asexuality as a teenager. I know that that last part sounds weird, but I really wasn't interested in anything having to do with romance all throughout my teens. Now, the thing that's holding me back is that I'm over THIRTY and I have no experience at all. What guy is going to frigging understand something like that? I feel like I've royally effed myself over. (and by the way, I did try looking for shy people to communicate with when I was online dating, but it was difficult because I would speak to them on the phone and have to endure painful silences coming from the other end.) The other aspect that cancels out a lot of potential mates is that I absolutely do not want children. I have never wanted kids since I was a kid; I will have to manage my mental illness for the rest of my life and I don't want the full-time job of raising a child to exacerbate that; and I inherited my mental illness and lack of living up to my potential from both of my biological parents.

As I get older, this thing is wearing on me more and more. I dread going to the OB-GYN, not for the reasons you might think, but the fact that I have to dredge up my big fat zero when it comes to my amount of sexual partners. A couple months ago, I was at my psychiatrist for my monthly check-in, and he asked me if I was dating anyone. I burst into tears. My therapist told me a few weeks ago-in a caring tone-that it would be tragic if I spent the rest of my life alone. She says she firmly believes that there is someone out there for everyone, and there are guys out there who don't care about my inexperience. I don't believe her.

All the advice I've read out there seems to go like any of these phrases: you'll find someone when you stop looking, stay busy with hobbies/activities and that person will be there, be happy with yourself already and then you can make someone else happy, and crap like that. "Nobody can make you feel complete." What's wrong with feeling lonely and wanting a companion in order to lift that loneliness? I've come to realize that friends and family, no matter how much they may care about me, cannot fill this void in my life anymore. They can't be there for you in the way a partner can. **However:** I am only saying this about me personally. If it's enough for anyone else, then that's awesome.

I realized the other day why I think I have ended up at this point. I was telling my therapist about how I feel like I have a dark side and I feel like I'm living a double life. I appear to be OK, but if I happen to confide in people close to me just how much of a loner I tend to be, and how low I really get when I'm just buried in depression, they are quite surprised. Talking about my "dark side" made me realize that even when I was as young as 12 or 13, I just felt like I was not worth dating or being with because of my depressive tendencies and just wanting to disappear a lot. And I've unconsciously thought that for the past 20 years. It's an illness or something. I know there are many people out there who are depressed, and/or still have SA-and still end up finding relationships. Not me. My lack of self-worth must be even worse.

I don't see a way out of this for myself. Obviously my depression is fooling with my mood and desire to put myself out there, but I cannot stand bars and clubs...they make me extremely uncomfortable. I'm reluctant to go the online route again because I don't want to get sucked into the internet "pen pal" thing. (it happened to me the last time and now I know better). This sounds sad, but I find myself wishing hours or days away.


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## riderless

Here's my take.
Your mind has become like a broken record. You keep listening to the same negative drivel every day. You believe every negative thought that comes in to your head.
Somehow you have to snap out of it.
Suggestion? Take risks. Do things differently which force you to think differently especially about yourself.
Clean your act up. Pretend to be light-hearted even if you don't feel it. Make yourself loveable. That sounds crass I know but the dating game is one of the shallowest in town. Wouldn't you prefer to date a well-presented, fun loving woman? She might feel depressed in reality too. But she has to pretend everything is AOK when dating. So ham it up, I say. Take acting classes even.
Have I gone too far now?


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## komorikun

senrab said:


> *All the advice I've read out there seems to go like any of these phrases: you'll find someone when you stop looking, stay busy with hobbies/activities and that person will be there, be happy with yourself already and then you can make someone else happy, and crap like that. "Nobody can make you feel complete." What's wrong with feeling lonely and wanting a companion in order to lift that loneliness? *I've come to realize that friends and family, no matter how much they may care about me, cannot fill this void in my life anymore. They can't be there for you in the way a partner can. **However:** I am only saying this about me personally. If it's enough for anyone else, then that's awesome.
> 
> I realized the other day why I think I have ended up at this point. I was telling my therapist about how I feel like I have a dark side and I feel like I'm living a double life. I appear to be OK, but if I happen to confide in people close to me just how much of a loner I tend to be, and how low I really get when I'm just buried in depression, they are quite surprised. Talking about my "dark side" made me realize that even when I was as young as 12 or 13, I just felt like I was not worth dating or being with because of my depressive tendencies and just wanting to disappear a lot. And I've unconsciously thought that for the past 20 years. It's an illness or something. I know there are many people out there who are depressed, and/or still have SA-and still end up finding relationships. Not me. My lack of self-worth must be even worse.
> 
> I don't see a way out of this for myself. Obviously my depression is fooling with my mood and desire to put myself out there, but I cannot stand bars and clubs...they make me extremely uncomfortable. I'm reluctant to go the online route again because I don't want to get sucked into the internet "pen pal" thing. (it happened to me the last time and now I know better). This sounds sad, but I find myself wishing hours or days away.


I don't really know the best way to meet people but for me I've always found someone during periods where I felt very lonely/horny/stir crazy. During these periods I'd go to bars and clubs every week and occasionally sleep with someone. Most of the time it ended there but a few times the guy was still interested and so was I....then boom relationship.

When I don't go looking nothing happens. If it were not for bars and online dating, I'd likely be a virgin. I've only ever slept with 2 people that I didn't meet thru those methods and both of those I met at youth hostels.

If you don't like bars or online dating I suppose you could try going to meetups. It's not quite as direct as bars/online dating but there are a lot of lonely people looking for both friends and bfs/gfs. And they tend to be in their late 20s to mid 40s. So about the right age for you. I did get asked out 3 times at meetups. Not as fast/frequent as bars and online dating but waaaaay better than my everyday life (zero).


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## Batavirus

Hi, just came through Google on this site, very interesting and lots of relatable stories. When I first read this post, I recognized it, having on and off moods of terrible loneliness and frustration.
I am 47 years old, in a week I will be getting 48, I have never had a girl-friend and don't know how it feels to be wanted, desired of be loved. Thanks to medicine I have a certain control over my feelings, but I know how depression feels like. Sometimes it is very hard not to get very angry at the world, and women in general. It feels like I've never been given a chance to 'shine', to care or to love. There have been moments where women turned me down, while there was not even a friendship to be had, or immediately saying 'we can never be more than friends' I don't understand how people can judge so quickly, I would never say such a thing. But it seems to be rather common.
When I was 30, I was quickly going down, no friends, no hobbies, a very, very dark place. Then by chance I came on a ad which talked about Shy People, there was even a kind of club. They organised workshops, activities and there were a lot like-minded people, and even women (!).
I discovered I could talk pretty good, and thanks to my many, many hours of reading a very handy general knowledge. Friendships seemed to come pretty quick, and I got to know a lot of nice men and women. Still, the women could talk to me very openly, and honest. But they 'saw me like a brother', in those heady, new days I was not interested in going 'further', at that period I was just happy connecting.
Then, more and more people around me, started getting relationships, thanks to the club lots of people were getting more assertive and growing (a wonderful sight to see), but I stood around and watched it all.. after a few years, most friends did not keep up, and I was getting lonely again. Luckily I did meet some nice people, and even a female friend, with who I can travel and go to movies and such. I do like her, but there seems to be nothing more. 
At this moment in life, I have given up, I realise that it is too much to ask for anyone to accept a 47 year old male, who is set in his ways, unexperienced in love (sex is not really an issue, I have paid for it, and learned much, have never regretted it), I have no idea how to love someone, let alone be loved.
I think that is the most important issue; if you want a partner, look at it from the other way: what is it he or she needs to see in you. 
What I have learned is, that it always starts with being open, friendly, accepting and not having expectations. Listen to the other, really LOOK at the person you are talking too, be ready to ask questions, to answer and also be prepared to alter your opinion.
At this moment I still can enjoy talking to strangers, listening to their stories, and share some small parts of their life. 
One of the best things is to make a women laugh, this give me joy to last a long time.
I cannot give anyone advice to find a partner, what I can say is; do not be afraid, talk to people, find your place, and try to enjoy the things you CAN have.


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## intheshadows

I feel like a freak.


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## Carvinbass

intheshadows said:


> I feel like a freak.


Good god, I don't want _anyone_ to feel like a freak. I know what that feels like.

I'm going to be honest here:

I'm a 37 year old virgin. I have always had severe, crippling social anxiety disorder. When I was a teenager, I was far too messed up to have a girlfriend. I got heavily into music & art (hey- better than drugs and alcohol). Fast forward 20-something very short years, & here I am.

I got by- made a living doing soul-crushingly boring jobs (I always had post highschool educational interests, but could never afford them!).

& while I will NEVER regret my explorations into art & music (they saved my life- several times over!), I have NEVER learned about women.

I'm sitting here, alone, in my apartment. I'm almost 38. Never had a girlfriend. Only after much therapy & medication, am I able to realize what i missed when i was young. I can barely keep my anxiety in control enough to make a living. My job is intellectually boring as boring can be ,but it pays well, for now!

ll I can say is...

...Batavirus, & anyone, everyone else-Good god i have always felt alone. Part of me has died to loneliness, but not to empathy, never to empathy.

Good god, you are not alone. NEVER alone. I do not care who you are. period...

...suffering. If ever there were a true crime, that is it!

To suffer- oh god (& I am not even religious)

... terrible!:cry


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## SheSaidDestroy

I'm also in the same situation. Don't understand why its so easy for others to form relationships. They break up, get sad and 2 weeks later they are with someone new!!

I won't ever give up though and no one else should either, if its what they truly want. Going to give online dating a whirl and see what happens. I promised myself i would have a girlfriend by the end of the year. But so far it doesn't look like its gonna happen.


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## Sonnyboy

Same with me and I am 37. Its really difficult.

I think that guys are age that have not been in relationships are not going to be understood very well by most normal woman, which makes it even harder to form a relationship.

I think a woman who has been alone would understand us better. I still have hope that I can find a woman like this that will accept me. I tried giving up on woman, but it did work for very long. 

I don't really think I have wasted my life even though I have not really had a normal life. I am still learning things about one way life is. Some people think we should be more like them, but we are not like them so are life is going to be different.


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## MusingForX

Im 28 and am just starting to date.

I have to say being alone is a bad habit. I have gotten over SA but i am just emotionally unavailable. Trying to emotionally open up to people is hard so its rather easier to be alone and single.

I have had or still have a hard time controlling the effects of my own emotion. And then with friendships I became more emotionally intelligent and I react properly but it is on my own terms.

A relationship though requires a full disclosure and its unpredictable. Its tiresome. You have to be able to communicate your thought but you dont want to be overbearing and emotionally suffocate the other person. Its a fine line. You want to make emotionally significant moments and as a guy you have to take the lead. It is work.

I can actually see the steps to get into a commited relationship but i would become a different person. Its that step from being a private person to sharing all of it with another that is causing significant problem.


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## mudfox

I'm 35 and never had a girlfriend. I don't like anyone being close to me or vice versa, I think it's all a load of crap. I like music movies games sports tv and food. Hope this helps.


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## TobeyJuarez

I gave up about two weeks ago...


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## Richard Pawgins

life sucks and then u die


thus is life


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## Mongoose

I'm 35, never had a girlfriend, and still really hate being alone. I still get really lonely, but at this point, asking a woman out is so pointless because nobody will ever accept me. I'm resigned to the fact that my life will always be empty and unhappy because I just never got used to being alone. I think my whole life has been a waste. I'm still alive only because I don't want to hurt my parents.


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## Lizz13

*re*

I do not know for why but I can not give up. .


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## starsonfire

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that people like me are a minority and that I have even less chances to find someone than an average person. I also realized not everyone is meant to have love in their life and be loved back. It doesn't matter what you do or who you meet, some people draw others in like a magnet, while other people will always suffer from unrequited feelings.


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## TheBlackPigeon

Right now, I'm going on 34 years without any kind of a _real_ intimate relationship with a woman (not sex, although I haven't had any of that, either). I know that social anxiety had a huge role to play in that. And, the fact that the last date I went on with a woman ended up with me getting ditched and spending my night walking almost two hours back to my house. I never opened up to another woman since then.

But, that was a long time ago.

As much as I hate to say it, I know that the possibility of me never being able to have a strong intimate relationship with a woman is a very real one. As of this writing, I am living at home again, trying to earn a Bachelors degree and do something more meaningful with my life. Couple that with the fact that I'm a bit of a chubb butt, and you have a recipe for rejection in the Game of Love. But you know what? I keep on trying, despite the outcomes. Why? Because I still deserve to be happy, regardless. While being more open with women may not lead to romance, it _has_ helped me to make some very wonderful and supportive friends of both genders. And I'm OK with that. And for as hard as it can be, the chubb butt part can be fixed, as well.

Anyway, I don't know if this will help or inspire in any way. But, at the very least, I'd like to be able to let folks know that there is light at the end of that dark, stinky tunnel we've been crawling through all these years. Scout's Honor.


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## Mongoose

I think I also deserve to be happy, but what I think doesn't matter, when nearly everyone thinks inexperience disqualifies me from being in a relationship.


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## Sindelle

I'm 28 and I had my first date only at 22, and my first kiss at 26. Had sex once during a one night stand, but never saw the guy again and haven't been with anyone since.

I am not the kinda girl men want apparently. I'm too unattractive, too introverted, and I'm only really interested in "weird" stuff like videogames and fantasy novels. I can't really relate to anyone my age because I probably am more like a teenage girl than an almost 30-year-old woman.


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## elektrified

This is probably going to sound lame, but my mother's first relationship was with my father at age 40. She had me when she turned 42. I also know someone who is 35 that has never been in a relationship.

I would try online dating. I actually do. It's not as taboo as people think, but you do have to go through a lot of frogs before you find your prince/princess.


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## eyedlemon

I know a guy who is about 40. We all know he is a virgin--he makes sketchy claims that he's had some experience with girls (never actual sex), but the facts don't add up.

Well, recently I saw on Facebook that he is dating a lady--a normal-looking one--with a couple kids. He's proof that there is hope even at 40.


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## jennyjo

I'm a 32 year old female and I've never been in a relationship. I pretty much just stopped trying in my twenties.

I'm introverted enough that I'm okay with being alone but it is a bit lonely at times. I sometimes wish for the companionship of being in relationship, but my big problem is that I really need it to be a serious relationship, I have too many issues to get into something casual, I need that trust. I can't do random hookups like friends do.


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## h00dz

There is always hope never give up!


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## Richard83

starsonfire said:


> I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that people like me are a minority and that I have even less chances to find someone than an average person. I also realized not everyone is meant to have love in their life and be loved back. It doesn't matter what you do or who you meet, some people draw others in like a magnet, while other people will always suffer from unrequited feelings.


I'm afraid I have to agree. And many more people know this is true, but people just love to believe in fairytales and do wishful thinking. 'Hope' for things like that seems to be nothing more than one of the survival tools/instincts mother nature gave us.


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## YourHandInMine

Hi..., I'm 25, will be 26 in couple of months..never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship with a girl. I live with my parents, working and trying to finish school still...Just so frustrated/depressed/miserable..all the bad and hopeless words you can think of... found this site through google today when i was searched for never having a gf. As I read all the stories on this post, i started to cry and just wanted to break down...i just imagined the loneliness of the other people who like me have been feeling and imagined my self in their place as most of the people were older than me. I hope I don't make it to my late 20's if i'm still going to be single. i'm sure there's a lot of mental things wrong with me from all these (10+) years of being depressed...never really had confidence and always just this never ending fear, anxiety, and shyness or feeling not good enough or just worthless. I do try to act normal and try to seem normal when im in public so no one sees my misery. Girls never took interest in me like the way they do with other guys who don't do a darn thing to attract them other than just exist and that just gets me down or mad ..and i'm always nice if i ever do get the chance to have a conversation with a girl, .. i guess im just not good looking or something. i get so mad seeing or hearing about guys who've had a chance to be with a girl or who get's his chances so easily and mistreats their gf or not love them enough (and i know it's the girl's fault sometimes too but that's another story)..just feel so cursed. i have a hard time gathering my thoughts properly sometimes and maybe it's because i'm not open socially or talkative so have inadequate experience? i dunno.. i feel like it's true what someone else said about those sayings like "the right time will come"..etc, etc. ..i feel like it's all just BS and maybe i'm just meant to be alone :/ I day dream a lot of just having that special someone near me, holding hands and cuddling, making love.. all the things i'll probably never get to have ..it's so hard to be positive and do things that i even like sometimes just because im so miserable. There are times I do feel motivated and wanting to make better of things but it only lasts for a moment. i truly hate my life and i suck so much at it.. i wish i could give this chance of life to someone who lost theirs and could have done better with it... *sigh*


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## Futures

32 year old virgin, unemployed, subpar looks, and still live at home with my parents in the suburbs, and have non-existant social skills. Needless to say, I'm about as low as you can get on the desirability scale.

I don't know about the rest of you, but mentally I'm kind of stuck in my teen years. I may be 32 but I still feel like I'm searching for my first teen relationship. I want to experience youthful love where two people are on the same level and having these first experiences together.

I don't even look at women my own age with any interest whatsoever (and they don't look at me either ha!). But even if they were...they're looking for marriage and children, I'm looking for my first date!

I want a girl that's like 18-20. But of course, that's not going to happen. So I just sit here rotting away in loneliness, fantasizing about the life I wish I had, that everybody else gets and seems to take for granted.


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## quetzal

First of all, I'm really sorry for posting here even though I am not a 30+ member! I enjoy reading posts in this section because the topics are interesting. Anyway, you can tell that I have SA because I feel disproportionately guilty for even posting here, haha, so my point is that I don't mean to intrude.

I've been having a bad day, anxiety-wise, and I really appreciated reading many of the responses here. While I am younger, I relate to many of you in that (a) I have recently moved back in with my parents, (b) I am currently unemployed and have been hopelessly interviewing for months, (c) I have never, ever been in a romantic relationship with anyone. I feel more and more distanced from friends who all seem to be getting engaged/married and starting amazing careers.

This post really struck a chord with me:



senrab said:


> I realized the other day why I think I have ended up at this point. I was telling my therapist about how I feel like I have a dark side and I feel like I'm living a double life. I appear to be OK, but if I happen to confide in people close to me just how much of a loner I tend to be, and how low I really get when I'm just buried in depression, they are quite surprised. Talking about my "dark side" made me realize that even when I was as young as 12 or 13, I just felt like I was not worth dating or being with because of my depressive tendencies and just wanting to disappear a lot. And I've unconsciously thought that for the past 20 years. It's an illness or something. I know there are many people out there who are depressed, and/or still have SA-and still end up finding relationships. Not me. My lack of self-worth must be even worse.


It actually helps to know that other people feel this way. I am realizing that at the root of my difficulties in relating to others (both in my complete lack of romantic life and in my disintegrating friendships) is this belief that I am a failure and I am not worthy of being cared about. Which, of course, just starts a self-fulfilling cycle of isolating myself from others, "proving" that I am incapable of forming deep connections with others. I am not sure how to break this cycle, honestly. But it really helps, at least, to know that others have the same struggle. Thank you to everyone who posted such thoughtful, honest responses here. I often feel hopeless about my own future-- but I really believe that all of you are worthy of meaningful relationships (Especially since we care so much about others and have to try so, so hard to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable. Even if, on our bad days, we DO mess up sometimes and have difficulty being good friends/partners to others.) If I can have empathy for everyone here, it challenges my constant negativity towards myself and the underlying belief that I am a failure, particularly when evaluating myself based on healthy people's/society's standards. The absence of a deep, fulfilling relationship is difficult to live with, but perhaps moreso, this belief that I am not even worthy or deserving of one makes everything so much harder.


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## estse

This thread really strikes a chord. I'm 33 and etc.

I'd love to meet someone and form a healthy relationship, but the general feeling is that I'm not right and capable.

So I meet people most months, but they're usually extroverted and strong willed with statements (for example) such as, "I know the difference between being quiet and focused, and being quiet due to weakness," or some such saying.

Trying online dating (have been for years), but give up after a few days of inactivity (no responses to my comments and/or questions) and some rejection, which is fine and dandy.

Etc. Etc. Death.


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## thevandal

I am turning 34 this year and I've never had a gf. I think the longest stint I had was like a month and it wasn't even serious. After that it was just a series of random flings every few years...nothing major. I am a dude btw. I am looking but it's hard for me to go outside these days and socialize...oh yeah and I don't have any friends.


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## Justanothersmurfinhell

In a very similar boat to the rest of you, 30's had a couple of unsuccessful relationships but they were ages ago, but still looking and trying but have no idea where to meet a woman now very frustrating to try and find that person but gotta keep at it.


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## Mister Spirit

The thing I hate about this is that the topic of girlfriend/marriage always comes up at least once in every conversation I have with someone. It's brutally annoying. I say I'm not gonna get married because it's the truth. Where is the girl that's supposed to fall for me? Probably already married with kids. I'm 30 years old and I've probably "dated" (fling isn't really the right word) about three times total when I was in my teens. I also lost my virginity in my teens. That's all the experience I have with females. Yes, I lie all the time about how I've had dates in my 20's (I almost entered a relationship when I was 21), but that's not the case. It's only to avoid further detail in conversations. I've also had very low libido ever since going on anti-depressants and even coming off of them, my libido hasn't been the same. I'm fine with that though. It's far too difficult to find decent women. Even then, most I do come across are a) already in relationships b) not interested in me c) not interested in dating/relationships. And seriously, at my age without a steady financial life, good looks and any redeemable traits is a turn-off for females. So I feel like I shouldn't be looking and focusing on this part of my life. There are days when I do feel pretty frustrated because how many females will understand my situation or even relate? Will I only meet the ones that would rather just judge me or make assumptions or criticize me for having social problems and depression? I've even thought of getting castrated. I wish I was asexual. It's such a pain. Being 30 feels so out of place and too late. The one thing that particularly bothers me is that _if_ I do find someone that accepts me for who I am, then we'll probably already be in our 60's and will have missed out on the experiences of sharing moments of youth. Whatever.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

This will be me in two months. I don't want to turn 31.


----------



## senrab

quetzal said:


> First of all, I'm really sorry for posting here even though I am not a 30+ member! I enjoy reading posts in this section because the topics are interesting. Anyway, you can tell that I have SA because I feel disproportionately guilty for even posting here, haha, so my point is that I don't mean to intrude.
> 
> I've been having a bad day, anxiety-wise, and I really appreciated reading many of the responses here. While I am younger, I relate to many of you in that (a) I have recently moved back in with my parents, (b) I am currently unemployed and have been hopelessly interviewing for months, (c) I have never, ever been in a romantic relationship with anyone. I feel more and more distanced from friends who all seem to be getting engaged/married and starting amazing careers.
> 
> This post really struck a chord with me:
> 
> It actually helps to know that other people feel this way. I am realizing that at the root of my difficulties in relating to others (both in my complete lack of romantic life and in my disintegrating friendships) is this belief that I am a failure and I am not worthy of being cared about. Which, of course, just starts a self-fulfilling cycle of isolating myself from others, "proving" that I am incapable of forming deep connections with others. I am not sure how to break this cycle, honestly. But it really helps, at least, to know that others have the same struggle. Thank you to everyone who posted such thoughtful, honest responses here. I often feel hopeless about my own future-- but I really believe that all of you are worthy of meaningful relationships (Especially since we care so much about others and have to try so, so hard to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable. Even if, on our bad days, we DO mess up sometimes and have difficulty being good friends/partners to others.) If I can have empathy for everyone here, it challenges my constant negativity towards myself and the underlying belief that I am a failure, particularly when evaluating myself based on healthy people's/society's standards. The absence of a deep, fulfilling relationship is difficult to live with, but perhaps moreso, this belief that I am not even worthy or deserving of one makes everything so much harder.


I'm glad my post helped you in at least some small way.


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## Richard83

Futures said:


> 32 year old virgin, unemployed, subpar looks, and still live at home with my parents in the suburbs, and have non-existant social skills. Needless to say, I'm about as low as you can get on the desirability scale.
> 
> I don't know about the rest of you, but mentally I'm kind of stuck in my teen years. I may be 32 but I still feel like I'm searching for my first teen relationship. I want to experience youthful love where two people are on the same level and having these first experiences together.
> 
> I don't even look at women my own age with any interest whatsoever (and they don't look at me either ha!). But even if they were...they're looking for marriage and children, I'm looking for my first date!
> 
> I want a girl that's like 18-20. But of course, that's not going to happen. So I just sit here rotting away in loneliness, fantasizing about the life I wish I had, that everybody else gets and seems to take for granted.


I have the exact same thing. Maybe I could get a woman my age, but only because after 15 years of experimenting with guys, women start changing their priorities and want to settle down with a 'nice guy' who can be a good father. But I didn't have any of that; when I was in my 20's and looking for a gf, a girl like her wasn't looking for just a 'nice guy' like myself. And of course in theory it's possible for a 30+ year old guy to get a young girlfriend, but not when you're a loser with no confidence, job, experience and/or money.


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## aladdin

i am with my first girlfriend now at 38, but only after many years of aggressive online dating. i dont know how long it will last so i'll just try to enjoy the moment. even if it doesnt last forever, i can die happy knowing that someone in this big world liked/loved me once


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## hypestyle

so is there ever a non-awkward way to state that you've never had a girlfriend (not to mention the various other milestones of romance/sex)? When in groups of guys/peers this is a topic I loathe..


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## Richard83

hypestyle said:


> so is there ever a non-awkward way to state that you've never had a girlfriend (not to mention the various other milestones of romance/sex)? When in groups of guys/peers this is a topic I loathe..


Not in my opinion there isn't. I'm just glad that the 3 good friends I have don't ask me about my sex stories and stuff when we're having a beer. I think they know I have nothing to add, so I just wait it out whenever they exhange relationship stories, just laughing along (not knowing what they're talking about). Makes me feel really good about myself, feeling like a ****ing 14 year old


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## hypestyle

I'm pretty aggravated about my lack of experiences but I try to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it; at the very least, I've avoided the more blatantly reckless tactics of seeking out hookers and the like (I'm not in Nevada/Amsterdam)... I see recurring news briefs about johns busted by undercover cops, lol.. no thanks..

at the same time I loathe the possibility of a woman casually asking similar questions about first (fill in the blank) or something dating related, and I really have nothing to offer...


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## Richard83

hypestyle said:


> I'm pretty aggravated about my lack of experiences but I try to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it; at the very least, I've avoided the more blatantly reckless tactics of seeking out hookers and the like (I'm not in Nevada/Amsterdam)... I see recurring news briefs about johns busted by undercover cops, lol.. no thanks..
> 
> at the same time I loathe the possibility of a woman casually asking similar questions about first (fill in the blank) or something dating related, and I really have nothing to offer...


Well, I am from The Netherlands (which includes Amsterdam), and I don't understand the whole fuss about prostitution. To quote George Carlin: if ****ing is legal and selling is legal, then why isn't selling ****ing legal? I think in some cases it can be a great outlet for years and years of sexual deprivation and frustration. I never tried it, but not because I think it's fundamentally wrong. If a prostitute is doing the work because she chooses to, I don't see the problem. Besides; if you keep it legal, it's easier for the authorities to regulate it. Just like alcohol: people will do it, whether it's legal or not.


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## hypestyle

so, culturally, how does it work in the Amsterdam red light districts? is it like the movies where women stand in the windows? (my guess is no...)


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## Richard83

hypestyle said:


> so, culturally, how does it work in the Amsterdam red light districts? is it like the movies where women stand in the windows? (my guess is no...)


It is actually, they stand or sit so you can see beforehand what you're buying. And let me be clear; I wish the world would work in such a way that this wouldn't be necessary. But like I said, if we don't do it this way, it will go underground where the 'working conditions' for those women will be way worse. I lived close to a street where prostitutes were, and there was police there all the time, to keep an eye on things. Sure, it still attracts some criminal activities and some women are still forced into doing it (that's one of the reasons why I won't try it; you can never tell from the outside whether or not a woman is doing it voluntarily). But when it becomes illegal and it goes underground, I fear for what will happen then.


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## Destiny1017

I see a lot of guys sad about their lack of experience and fear girls will dislike them for it. Just remember that there are girls in the same situation as you, you are not alone or weird, it happens to a lot of people, men and women. 
You do have to push your self past your comfort zone though or nothing will change. The pain you may feel from being out there and trying to meet people is a better pain than not doing anything at all and being stuck in the same place.


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## July

Destiny1017 said:


> Just remember that there are girls in the same situation as you, you are not alone or weird, it happens to a lot of people, men and women.


Exactly.

I'm a girl and I'm in the same boat. So that wouldn't a problem for me at all. On the contrary - probably it would make me even happier :clap
I'm 27. I haven't been in a relationship. Not just in the relationship - I never had a date. Or sex. All my physical contact with men were few drunk making-outs with random guys, which I didn't let lead to sex, because I was feeling awkward and stupid.
I don't think it will not change - I'm a not teenager, my personality will not change anymore, I am who I am. I fully accepted the role of weirdo, of outsider. I moved to a new country, where I don't know anyone, and no one knows me, so at least no one knows that I'm single all my 27 years, haha.

Only thing that I still have is hope - since I was clumsy and shy 15-years-old girl, bullied by others, I was always hoping to meet other freak like me. And I'm still hoping to meet one today - stranger, weirdo, virgin, foreigner, whatever... Other soul without money, friends, big happy family or social status, and together we could drink wine in the evenings and maybe even mornings, experiment with our bodies, talk, confront our fears, go for a walk and make ironic inapropriate jokes about life and death.

Probably this idealistic vision will never come true. Probably I will still have it in my sixties. But - damn - this dream/hope/belief helps me to survive now.


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## meepie

I'm 23 and dating someone who is 33 - I'm his first girlfriend. I'm sure there are lots of people like you.


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## h00dz

July said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I'm a girl and I'm in the same boat. So that wouldn't a problem for me at all. On the contrary - probably it would make me even happier :clap
> I'm 27. I haven't been in a relationship. Not just in the relationship - I never had a date. Or sex. All my physical contact with men were few drunk making-outs with random guys, which I didn't let lead to sex, because I was feeling awkward and stupid.
> I don't think it will not change - I'm a not teenager, my personality will not change anymore, I am who I am. I fully accepted the role of weirdo, of outsider. I moved to a new country, where I don't know anyone, and no one knows me, so at least no one knows that I'm single all my 27 years, haha.
> 
> Only thing that I still have is hope - since I was clumsy and shy 15-years-old girl, bullied by others, I was always hoping to meet other freak like me. And I'm still hoping to meet one today - stranger, weirdo, virgin, foreigner, whatever... Other soul without money, friends, big happy family or social status, and together we could drink wine in the evenings and maybe even mornings, experiment with our bodies, talk, confront our fears, go for a walk and make ironic inapropriate jokes about life and death.
> 
> Probably this idealistic vision will never come true. Probably I will still have it in my sixties. But - damn - this dream/hope/belief helps me to survive now.


I think I'm in love already... 

In all seriousness though, I'd like to find someone just like that.. I know women like yourself are out there, its just my ability to find them and them to find me is terrible at best.


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## kimberlyace

I guess I haven't really had too much difficulty with the dating aspect of SA but what I can't comprehend is how you guys get/hold down jobs and drive vehicles. Just thinking about it makes my heart race and makes me teary eyed.

Anyways, being a 30-40 virgin should be nothing to feel ashamed about. Most people are too quick to throw it away. 

Knowing that I might be someone's first wouldn't be a turn off, in fact it would definitely be a turn on. Try not to give up hope. I know it's easier said than done.


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## robinsky

*About Me*

I found this to be an interesting thread as this relates to me very much. I am not afraid to admit that I am a 31 year old male and have never had a girlfriend - girls have never even really taken an interest in me, except in a friendly way.

Currently, I am going through a really tough time. My colleague is a stunning redhead and she has a really great physique and personality and earlier in the year, found myself falling for her. Those feelings resurfaced recently and left me in a real down state. When even joking about the christmas kiss or sexy santa outfit, sometimes the responses I get are really heartbreaking. Of course I would never expect anything to happen but even so, it is a dent on my confidence.

Like most men who have posted, I too have practically 0 confidence when it comes to women, am painfully shy and was also bullied mercilessly when I was a child (though I never told anyone about this) and basically has played a large part in my adult life.

I don't really have any friends to speak of except 2 close, good friends who have known me for ten years plus. I can't imagine us not being friends now after everything we've done together but you feel at a certain point, you want more out of life, but I'd never sacrifice my friends for anything. I am a firm believer in loyalty.

What upsets and angers me is that looks play a vast part in women determining their men and vice versa - its sad that looks have to be one of the most important factors in determining a man or woman's worth. Looks alone won't do that - its personality, something which I myself don't have much of as I feel it was drained away through past wrongs (bullying).

Also, people's lifestyles these days tend to be about boozing etc. and going to clubs and dancing and getting plastered - that's not my scene at all. I can't understand that. If people want to do it, so be it but to me, its immature. I have values and my pride and would rather meet a woman who has self-respect and decency and shares similar interests to me. I do think people who have these so called lifestyles kind of judge other men and women respectively who do not fall into this category as they feel them unnatural because they don't share the booze/dance lifestyle etc. I do believe it is a shallow thing.

I too suffer from depression and can't see my situation changing anytime soon but have come to the conclusion that despite the pain that comes with it that I need to take steps in order to get my life back on track - do something that might make your life a success and be remembered for it, even if it deprives you of the one thing you truly want out of life.

Furthermore, I have tried dating websites etc. and had 0 luck. Also, if I did hook up with a woman, I'd be lost because basically, I am a solitary guy who has little social life and not much of a past to speak of. That's hardly going to thrill a woman. I'm quite reclusive as I enjoy doing certain things - I'm not the outgoing type, really. Don't get my wrong. I do enjoy outdoor activities.

When it comes down to it, I think I am just old fashioned and because things in society have changed, I just feel I missed the boat as I haven't moved with the generation.

Another thing which may act not in my favour is experience - I don't have any in the female department at all. I wouldn't know where to start, either. To me, sex is an issue because I do one day want to have kids, but I just don't see it happening. I know I need to change my mindset about this which is what I am trying to do.

I think that this aspect of my life (finding a gf) might have passed me by now. However, no way will I change who I am or what I do to suit anyone else - I am who I am - take me or leave me as you will. If I died celibate or without a gf, I wouldn't be too disappointed as long as I had had a successful life, though I would always wonder what if.

Sorry if this sounds negative but its just the way I see things.


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## cliffclavin

The good news is, and I can speak from past experience on this, if a woman likes you, she won't care about what experience you've had or haven't had with dating or what you don't have to offer her. The problem is going through rejection after rejection before getting to a few women that are into you.


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## mzmz

*see this is why i come to this site*



Overthinker80 said:


> I'm 33 and have never had a girlfriend even though I've had one night stands so this worries me but I simply refuse to believe there isn't a woman out there who I'd like that would be willing to go out with me.
> 
> There's a lot of different kinds of people in the world and I just refuse to believe that there's no woman out there who would understand my situation but the problem is that I don't have a job or direction and ****ing live with my parents which makes me feel REALLY pathetic at this age and yeah, I have a hard time believing any woman would want me till I get my **** together.
> 
> However, there are reasons why I'm at where I am and I know I'll figure things out eventually and I think once I have a semi-decent job and my own place that never having had a gf won't be enough by itself to drive away a truly cool girl but she's going to have to be very understanding and just all around awesome to deal with me. If she's not and judges me for my situation than **** her she can **** off.
> 
> Man, talk about anxiety this thread has now triggered my worries that I'll never find anyone.
> 
> ****, that's an invitation for someone to come in and say things will all work out haha.
> 
> Gotta love good old Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is of course one of the reasons I am where I am.
> 
> Now someone please come and tell me I'm right that things will work out and I'm truly not as ****ing pathetic as I feel...


^ your existing makes my existing feel better. Thank you.



mm1212 said:


> I am 33 years old....a female by the way...and completely understand where u are coming from. I have only been in a few relationships if u can even call them relationships. The last one lasted 2 years and he completely used me and know i am in debt cause i trusted him and he shouldnt have been trusted..so my life took steps backwards just when i was going ahead. I am with someone know but he lives far from me...so shall see what happens. My whole life has been hard. I have never lived on my own..only when i was in a relationship with someone who had their own place. I dont live with my parents but i did live with them til my mid 20's and know i rent from my brother. I constantly get a few people at my job asking me when i will live on my own and one of my coworkers said the other day that if i dont move out know i will be living with my brother til im 80...people who dont have anxiety cant possibly understand what we have to deal with. Most likely i will never get married or have children...i will be 34 this december and would not want my child to have the life i had...i have an ok job...and recently got a raise but i dont make enough to live on my own because of debt i accumulated from my last relationship and first time in my life have a car payment so i barely get by...my boyfriend cant give up his job he has bills and he is 28 just for the record and has no mental illness and recently moved back with his parents to get himself back together and save money so he can move out again...there are people out there without a mental illness who do not live on their own...i would say to all on here dont give up and keep fighting...it is soo reassuring that i am not alone...have i considered ending it all...sure i have...but i have to keep going...dont have a choice hugs to all


^ I know how you feel. the last guy i was with put a dent in my credit and my life, and i just feel blank about men in RL



SheSaidDestroy said:


> I'm also in the same situation. Don't understand why its so easy for others to form relationships. They break up, get sad and 2 weeks later they are with someone new!!


^ I dont get it either when i do date it takes a long time for me to start anew. some people seem to act like getting into and out of relationships is like getting out of a car



Mongoose said:


> I'm 35, never had a girlfriend, and still really hate being alone. I still get really lonely, but at this point, asking a woman out is so pointless because nobody will ever accept me. I'm resigned to the fact that my life will always be empty and unhappy because I just never got used to being alone. I think my whole life has been a waste. I'm still alive only because I don't want to hurt my parents.


^whoa buddy! relationships are nice but why is not having one making you so miserable??? theres lots more to life!
like friends and things to do.



Sindelle said:


> ...and I'm only really interested in "weird" stuff like videogames and fantasy novels. I can't really relate to anyone my age because I probably am more like a teenage girl than an almost 30-year-old woman.


^same but some other intrsts and im 36



thevandal said:


> I am turning 34 this year and I've never had a gf. I think the longest stint I had was like a month and it wasn't even serious. After that it was just a series of random flings every few years...nothing major. I am a dude btw. I am looking but it's hard for me to go outside these days and socialize...oh yeah and I don't have any friends.


^this is basically me. only im 36. and i have been in some longer stints with manipulators. I'm very lonely. and now is the age iu get to realize no kids for me! at least im ugly enough now i font constantly get asked if im gay.


----------



## millenniumman75

The key is to build up friends first. Become comfortable with interaction with multiple people, THEN progress it. We need a good foundation of friends.


----------



## dotofdots

Im 31 also and never had a girlfriend well when I was 13 I had one for a few weeks and just were friends but that was enough. I think its best just living single and learning to like it, and find your own peace through god.


----------



## Mongoose

cliffclavin said:


> The good news is, and I can speak from past experience on this, if a woman likes you, she won't care about what experience you've had or haven't had with dating or what you don't have to offer her. The problem is going through rejection after rejection before getting to a few women that are into you.


Not my experience at all. By the time a woman finds out about your inexpeirnce, she still isn't going to know you well enough to "like" you. She'll think there's something "wrong" with you. The only way out of virginity and inexperience is to lie like a rug about it.


----------



## LoungeFly

millenniumman75 said:


> The key is to build up friends first. Become comfortable with interaction with multiple people, THEN progress it. We need a good foundation of friends.


I like this idea. It's hard though when you don't have a lot of friends. But I do feel like if I became friends with someone first, and took things slow, I'd be comfortable. Problem is many guys ( or women on the flip side ) aren't patient enough. We live in a "want it now" society. And that can be really really difficult when you suffer with SA and are just not comfortable.


----------



## Daveyboy

LoungeFly said:


> I do feel like if I became friends with someone first, and took things slow, I'd be comfortable. Problem is many guys ( or women on the flip side ) aren't patient enough. We live in a "want it now" society. And that can be really really difficult when you suffer with SA and are just not comfortable.


Exactly...

It is one reason I would NEVER EVER try online dating..

I know a few co-workers who have done/do this...
To me they are serial daters.. Judging their dates after 1 or 2 meetings...

I would be judged as boring, quiet, dense and nervous..
Instead of the REAL boring, quiet, dense guy I am.... haha


----------



## LoungeFly

Daveyboy said:


> Exactly...
> 
> It is one reason I would NEVER EVER try online dating..
> 
> I know a few co-workers who have done/do this...
> To me they are serial daters.. Judging their dates after 1 or 2 meetings...
> 
> I would be judged as boring, quiet, dense and nervous..
> Instead of the REAL boring, quiet, dense guy I am.... haha


*hugs*

I had/have a profile. In 2008 I accepted a date from someone who had just moved to the area. The first date was fine. After the 2nd date, I simply didn't know how I felt about him. He was nice, but I like to take my time. He liked me quite a bit, and started kissing me in the car. I was freaking out on the inside, and tried not to show it on the outside. ( I really can't kiss and stuff with people I don't have feelings for ) The next day I emailed him telling him I needed things to slow down, that I've never really dated before and moving that fast was not something for me. I never saw him again.

Now I have another guy who has asked me, but I'm terrified. Very very scared. I just don't know how to handle this stuff.


----------



## millenniumman75

LoungeFly said:


> I like this idea. It's hard though when you don't have a lot of friends. But I do feel like if I became friends with someone first, and took things slow, I'd be comfortable. Problem is many guys ( or women on the flip side ) aren't patient enough. We live in a "want it now" society. And that can be really really difficult when you suffer with SA and are just not comfortable.


 Well, that's on them. If we want the real deal, we have to work on it. We end up better off, as will our future friends!


----------



## Ayla189

LoungeFly said:


> I like this idea. It's hard though when you don't have a lot of friends. But I do feel like if I became friends with someone first, and took things slow, I'd be comfortable. Problem is many guys ( or women on the flip side ) aren't patient enough. We live in a "want it now" society. And that can be really really difficult when you suffer with SA and are just not comfortable.


Exactly, I've only been interested in searching for genuine, platonic relationships. Having a strict, religious upbringing didn't help on top of having SA. I'd always be set up on blind dates and the families expected you to get engaged a few dates later. :blank It was just an incredibly awkward situation and I'd have to end it quickly. Don't worry the men moved on and got married within a year to some other women. :teeth


----------



## PerfectDark

Daveyboy said:


> Exactly...
> 
> It is one reason I would NEVER EVER try online dating..
> 
> I know a few co-workers who have done/do this...
> To me they are serial daters.. Judging their dates after 1 or 2 meetings...
> 
> I would be judged as boring, quiet, dense and nervous..
> Instead of the REAL boring, quiet, dense guy I am.... haha


If oyu never try it, how can you know how it actually is?

All I hear is lame excuses and rationalizations. Thats fine, I do them too. But at some point they have to be overcome...at least if you want to solve your issues. The real reason your dismissing it is because you fear judgment from doing it and from the women you might meet.

However you could also see it as therapy. It's social training and cheaper than therapy.


----------



## keep2myself

When I was pre 18 I had girlfriends I friended, I was afraid to even literally kiss for the first time. Well, those girls were hot and ran off, and I learned to kiss eventually, but not until I was 17 did I eventually .. get taken all the way by one of these beautiful creatures, sex made me nervous, afterwards I would shake like a leaf. Plenty of good girls I wish I would have stayed with over the years. This is a problem now days with men having nothing to offer, little coping skills, don't do emotional connections well, and the list can get really long, we get left in the dust more often than not these days.


----------



## forex

30 and foveralone, i think it will eventually be a prostitute when i get my own crib.
been looking for almost a year now.


----------



## Cyberboy82

running man said:


> Every time I sign up for POF - I feel ashamed. I leave it a week and then give up without really trying, deleting my profile in the process. I
> There's no one to judge me.


LOL dude you are like my mirror image. Even when women contact me I sabotage it on purpose because i don't see how it could ever workout anyways...


----------



## Richard83

forex said:


> 30 and foveralone, i think it will eventually be a prostitute when i get my own crib.
> been looking for almost a year now.


You're from where I'm from I see, so getting a prostitute should not be a problem


----------



## forex

Richard83 said:


> You're from where I'm from I see, so getting a prostitute should not be a problem


lol , it still scares me to walk through the red light district. :|


----------



## Locut0s

We need a badge and secret handshake


----------



## Mochyn

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to get a girlfriend because I know how girls think but I'm not attracted to girls, that'd also make it easier because I wouldn't be nervous around them but it's no fun being with someone you're not attracted to.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

I'm the same way. Just turned 31 and never had a girlfriend.


----------



## truthwigga

If I was in your situation I'd be very scared, no joke. At 25 it feels terrible, but at 31? It already feels like everyone has moved on in life and has lots of experiences. It already almost feels too late. At 30? I'd be scared ****less that the boat has passed.


----------



## Mongoose

truthwigga said:


> If I was in your situation I'd be very scared, no joke. At 25 it feels terrible, but at 31? It already feels like everyone has moved on in life and has lots of experiences. It already almost feels too late. At 30? I'd be scared ****less that the boat has passed.


Yeah, try looking for a woman who won't mind that you're 35 and have never had a girlfriend. You might as well look for the Loch Ness Monster. No matter how well a woman knows you, she'll run when she finds out. Women think a guy like that must be mentally ill, gay, asexual, a weirdo, etc., etc. Yes, it can be too late.


----------



## LoungeFly

truthwigga said:


> If I was in your situation I'd be very scared, no joke. At 25 it feels terrible, but at 31? It already feels like everyone has moved on in life and has lots of experiences. It already almost feels too late. At 30? I'd be scared ****less that the boat has passed.


I can understand the feeling, but I promise, it hasn't passed. I know people who were virgins later in life and lost it later in life. Past 30


----------



## Mochyn

Mongoose said:


> Yeah, try looking for a woman who won't mind that you're 35 and have never had a girlfriend. You might as well look for the Loch Ness Monster. No matter how well a woman knows you, she'll run when she finds out. Women think a guy like that must be mentally ill, gay, asexual, a weirdo, etc., etc. Yes, it can be too late.


 Loch Ness Monster right here, oh no wait I mean woman, I'm a woman that wouldn't mind, and I never run, I might drop my chocolate :teeth


----------



## riderless

31 and never eaten Japanese natto?
you haven't lived yet, I tell you.


----------



## Esugi78

Joining the club, although to be honest I'm not sure I'll ever find someone since I'm introvert and simply not a talker, and about every single women I've met like to talk... a lot!


----------



## cudaguy

LoungeFly said:


> *hugs*
> 
> I had/have a profile. In 2008 I accepted a date from someone who had just moved to the area. The first date was fine. After the 2nd date, I simply didn't know how I felt about him. He was nice, but I like to take my time. He liked me quite a bit, and started kissing me in the car. I was freaking out on the inside, and tried not to show it on the outside. ( I really can't kiss and stuff with people I don't have feelings for ) The next day I emailed him telling him I needed things to slow down, that I've never really dated before and moving that fast was not something for me. I never saw him again.
> 
> Now I have another guy who has asked me, but I'm terrified. Very very scared. I just don't know how to handle this stuff.


The thing about online dating is some people are just looking for sex rather than a relationship. Chances are he was probably one of these guys. When he realised he wasn't going to get to sleep with you he moved on. It is highly unlikely because of you, your email or because you havn't dated before.

Personally, if we were dating and you told me you were inexperienced etc, it would not bother me in the slightest. Infact, it would probably make the whole thing feel more special.


----------



## cudaguy

Esugi78 said:


> Joining the club, although to be honest I'm not sure I'll ever find someone since I'm introvert and simply not a talker, and about every single women I've met like to talk... a lot!


I'm not much of a talker either and for sure it does make finding a relationship more difficult. I'm 33 now and i've had a few girlfriends. In most cases, the relationship ends after a few weeks or a month. But occasionally you do find someone you can talk with and those are the relationships that last.

You will get rejected, your feelings will be hurt. It's unavoidable and it happens to all of us. Even for the most beautiful girl you can think of. But you can't let it write you off, you need to remember it happens to all of us and then get back out there.

Make sure you put the effort in to go out and put yourself in the position where you can meet new people. Even if it's online dating. It's scary I know but we have to do it.


----------



## Mongoose

Mochyn said:


> Loch Ness Monster right here, oh no wait I mean woman, I'm a woman that wouldn't mind, and I never run, I might drop my chocolate :teeth


Maybe a needle in a haystack is a better analogy. No women out here would ever accept a guy like me.


----------



## Esugi78

cudaguy said:


> I'm not much of a talker either and for sure it does make finding a relationship more difficult. I'm 33 now and i've had a few girlfriends. In most cases, the relationship ends after a few weeks or a month. But occasionally you do find someone you can talk with and those are the relationships that last.
> 
> You will get rejected, your feelings will be hurt. It's unavoidable and it happens to all of us. Even for the most beautiful girl you can think of. But you can't let it write you off, you need to remember it happens to all of us and then get back out there.
> 
> Make sure you put the effort in to go out and put yourself in the position where you can meet new people. Even if it's online dating. It's scary I know but we have to do it.


Hey thanks  but actually I'm not afraid of meeting girls, or even afraid of rejections. I tried a few times pursuing them but in the end it just gets too boring for them since I rarely talk . I'm not giving up either but it's looking less and less likely to meet someone that could return my feeling


----------



## Mochyn

Mongoose said:


> Maybe a needle in a haystack is a better analogy. No women out here would ever accept a guy like me.


You're definitely underestimating women and their capacity to love. I think you're probably underestimating yourself and your lovable qualities but I've not met you, so you could be bob'on there :b


----------



## Mongoose

Mochyn said:


> You're definitely underestimating women and their capacity to love. I think you're probably underestimating yourself and your lovable qualities but I've not met you, so you could be bob'on there :b


If I were underestimating myself, girls would've been interested in me. None of them ever thought I was good enough. Now I not only don't have enough "lovable qualities," but I have unlovable qualities, namely virginity, living at home, and a low-paying dead-end job.


----------



## truthwigga

Mongoose said:


> If I were underestimating myself, girls would've been interested in me. None of them ever thought I was good enough. Now I not only don't have enough "lovable qualities," but I have unlovable qualities, namely virginity, living at home, and a low-paying dead-end job.


What advice would you give to your 25 year old self and how would you go about it?


----------



## Mongoose

truthwigga said:


> What advice would you give to your 25 year old self and how would you go about it?


I would have told myself not to go to grad school because it left me with a worthless degree and so much debt that I'll never be able to move out and get my own apartment.

I would have told myself to save up all my money so I could move out.

I would have told myself to socialize and make as many friends as possible.

Too late now.


----------



## ravens

Mongoose said:


> I would have told myself not to go to grad school because it left me with a worthless degree and so much debt that I'll never be able to move out and get my own apartment.
> 
> I would have told myself to save up all my money so I could move out.
> 
> I would have told myself to socialize and make as many friends as possible.
> 
> Too late now.


Mostly the same for me except the college part. Only went to college for a few months but it was a community college. Should have gone to college and got a degree in some computer course. That's what I thought I was going to do when I was in high school.

Never had the money to move out,
Had chances to socialize but never did.
Like you say too late now.


----------



## ilsr

ravens said:


> Mostly the same for me except the college part. Only went to college for a few months but it was a community college. Should have gone to college and got a degree in some computer course. That's what I thought I was going to do when I was in high school.
> 
> Never had the money to move out,
> Had chances to socialize but never did.
> Like you say too late now.


Here I am going to community college again. (for what? an AS in accounting maybe, ) I do have a batchelors in csci. but like Ultrashy it doesn't help with severe SA anyways.
Well I gues i could be speaking for myself. Ultracompetitive for any
computer job (worth something in compensation that is). got to keep
working on it, off the job too. I never kept up enough..


----------



## ilsr

Mongoose said:


> If I were underestimating myself, girls would've been interested in me. None of them ever thought I was good enough. Now I not only don't have enough "lovable qualities," but I have unlovable qualities, namely virginity, living at home, and a low-paying dead-end job.


I think there was one guy around here posting recently he had a wife, yet they discussed how he had trouble at social functions. He's lucky enough
to even find a wife that accepts him and willing to talk about trials with SA.
Most women would never give a chance.


----------



## ilsr

cudaguy said:


> I'm not much of a talker either and for sure it does make finding a relationship more difficult. I'm 33 now and i've had a few girlfriends. In most cases, the relationship ends after a few weeks or a month. But occasionally you do find someone you can talk with and those are the relationships that last.
> 
> You will get rejected, your feelings will be hurt. It's unavoidable and it happens to all of us. Even for the most beautiful girl you can think of. But you can't let it write you off, you need to remember it happens to all of us and then get back out there.
> 
> Make sure you put the effort in to go out and put yourself in the position where you can meet new people. Even if it's online dating. It's scary I know but we have to do it.


I think there's also the problem that often times using online dating, the woman is looking for a "regular" guy. Once even with meetings or such it's found out how severe SA the guy has, it's probably over. Women for the majority just don't plain respect an SA guy who has little influence among other males which is due to the inherent definition of severe SA itself. person of low debilitating social skills and literally has no influence externally or sense of being a degree of comfort among strangers or the social world in general.


----------



## Keirra

I am 34 and I have never had a boyfriend. Guys are just not interested in me. I am apprehensive of online dating sites. I don't think I would meet any guy's expectations because I am so unexperienced.


----------



## Graycat

Personally, I have rejected "normal" guys when they ask me out. I seek out the guys who are socially impaired like I am. I don't want a guy who wants to go out socializing. I don't do bars, clubs, parties, etc. A "normal" guy wouldn't usually be quite happy with a girl like me (although some actually are since they liked to hide me away as their own). I find my best relationships have been with men who are quite not "normal".


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

What is normal?

I used to think I was normal, until therapists and my peers deemed that I wasn't. 

I actually feel "normal" is a society construct. If you don't fit into the round hole, you are considered abnormal. I'm actually quite proud I'm different, all the cool kids are that way.


----------



## bottleofblues

Lance01 said:


> It bothers me to know that you guys are feeling the same way I used to. I never thought I would ever get a girlfriend. One day about a year ago I decided the hell with it and decided I had nothing to lose. It sucked feeling so lonely all the time and I had enough. It's really like everything else you just have to make a conscious effort to do something about it. The fear of rejection and awkwardness probably held me back more than anything. So I just started randomly striking up conversations with strangers on the street. I figured the worst that could happen is they would walk away. I would talk to anyone and everyone about anything. This really helped. It took awhile, but now I actually have no problem talking to women I don't know. And if I ask them out and they say no I don't go home and hide. I realized that everyone is different and thats their choice if they do not want to interact with me. Now I just move on to the next person and don't let the rejection affect my confidence. You guys should try this.


And howz that going for you? Like have you got any dates yet?


----------



## bottleofblues

senrab said:


> OP, I completely identify with you...here's my story, maybe it will help in some way:
> 
> I am a 31 year old woman who will be 32 in 3 weeks. I have never had a boyfriend in my life. No kissing, no handholding, no nothing. It's the greatest tragedy of my life. When people ask me if I'm dating anyone, I usually blurt out "no, I have problems with shyness" or "I'm private about that" and change the subject. I've also been asked two or three times if I like girls. Because if someone hasn't been dating for years and years, they _must_ be gay by default! [sarcasm]
> 
> It really didn't bother me until I reached 26 or 27. At that time, my friends were either starting to get engaged or serious with their partners. [to their credit, none of my truly close friends have ever pried about my love life.] I guess I assumed in my youth that everything would just fall into place, like it seemed to for everyone else? This sounds dumb, but sometimes I thought I would meet a guy in some chance encounter in a train station and we would instantly fall in love, like in the movies? I know that in reality, it usually never happens this way. But I'm a hopelessly sentimental romantic who daydreams a lot and I can't help it. I tried reaching out 2 or 3 years ago with online dating. I went on a few dates. They were nice guys but none of them worked out. Then I had a crush on my cousin's brother-in-law, and I wrote him a letter and told him so. [frigging love letters] He wrote a very kind note back, saying that he was currently dating someone he cared for a lot. (They're now engaged and getting married in September.)
> 
> I can count on my fingers the number of times I've been approached by a guy in person. My therapist says it's because I am radiating an aura, a forcefield of negativity, like "stay away from me". And she's absolutely right. I have been told by various friends & family that I am attractive (I think I'm average looking, like most people in this world) and my appearance nowadays is a lot better than when I was younger.
> 
> I shut down the dating stuff a year ago, when I fell into a major depressive episode. It's been really hard trying to come back from it. My depression is partly being fed by this stuff and other SA issues + grief, and the other part is definitely biological and chronic.
> 
> I've gotten over the things that held me back when I was younger. At that time, I was terrified of the physicality of sex, and I also had some religious guilt combined with my asexuality as a teenager. I know that that last part sounds weird, but I really wasn't interested in anything having to do with romance all throughout my teens. Now, the thing that's holding me back is that I'm over THIRTY and I have no experience at all. What guy is going to frigging understand something like that? I feel like I've royally effed myself over. (and by the way, I did try looking for shy people to communicate with when I was online dating, but it was difficult because I would speak to them on the phone and have to endure painful silences coming from the other end.) The other aspect that cancels out a lot of potential mates is that I absolutely do not want children. I have never wanted kids since I was a kid; I will have to manage my mental illness for the rest of my life and I don't want the full-time job of raising a child to exacerbate that; and I inherited my mental illness and lack of living up to my potential from both of my biological parents.
> 
> As I get older, this thing is wearing on me more and more. I dread going to the OB-GYN, not for the reasons you might think, but the fact that I have to dredge up my big fat zero when it comes to my amount of sexual partners. A couple months ago, I was at my psychiatrist for my monthly check-in, and he asked me if I was dating anyone. I burst into tears. My therapist told me a few weeks ago-in a caring tone-that it would be tragic if I spent the rest of my life alone. She says she firmly believes that there is someone out there for everyone, and there are guys out there who don't care about my inexperience. I don't believe her.
> 
> All the advice I've read out there seems to go like any of these phrases: you'll find someone when you stop looking, stay busy with hobbies/activities and that person will be there, be happy with yourself already and then you can make someone else happy, and crap like that. "Nobody can make you feel complete." What's wrong with feeling lonely and wanting a companion in order to lift that loneliness? I've come to realize that friends and family, no matter how much they may care about me, cannot fill this void in my life anymore. They can't be there for you in the way a partner can. **However:** I am only saying this about me personally. If it's enough for anyone else, then that's awesome.
> 
> I realized the other day why I think I have ended up at this point. I was telling my therapist about how I feel like I have a dark side and I feel like I'm living a double life. I appear to be OK, but if I happen to confide in people close to me just how much of a loner I tend to be, and how low I really get when I'm just buried in depression, they are quite surprised. Talking about my "dark side" made me realize that even when I was as young as 12 or 13, I just felt like I was not worth dating or being with because of my depressive tendencies and just wanting to disappear a lot. And I've unconsciously thought that for the past 20 years. It's an illness or something. I know there are many people out there who are depressed, and/or still have SA-and still end up finding relationships. Not me. My lack of self-worth must be even worse.
> 
> I don't see a way out of this for myself. Obviously my depression is fooling with my mood and desire to put myself out there, but I cannot stand bars and clubs...they make me extremely uncomfortable. I'm reluctant to go the online route again because I don't want to get sucked into the internet "pen pal" thing. (it happened to me the last time and now I know better). This sounds sad, but I find myself wishing hours or days away.


You sound a lot like me, i've been told i'm good looking, have no desire whatsoever for kids, and also probably give off the aura of 'don't approach me'. I've had opportunities in the past, very few admittedly, but my low self esteem and depression would always **** it up for me.
I personally wouldn't care that you'd never been in a relationship if i liked you because i've never been in one either! But i don't know how many men or woman out there who are experienced would feel the same way.
To be honest if someone was into me and then when they found out that i was inexperienced decided i wasn't for them then well i don't think i'd want to spend my time with someone that judgmental. I'd rather be with someone who has a bit more compassion.


----------



## DyingBreed

In some ways, I have a very different experience from most of you - I spent most of my teens and early 20s in relationships, and even then I never cared too much if I was single or not - I actually always felt happier and free when I broke up with someone. So I was surprised just how much I can relate to what a lot of you said. Despite my dating history, I'm still fairly inexperienced sexually (the most frequent reason I ended relationships was because I still wasn't ready, didn't think I ever would be, and didn't want to waste any more of his time). By the time my scars had healed enough that I actually wanted a sexual relationship, I was in my late 20s, and way too embarrassed to admit my inexperience and too scared to just jump in and do everything wrong. Add to that the fact that I pulled myself out of the dating pool at 21 and have grown extremely used to being alone and.. well I feel like I'll never get back into the dating scene. 
Channeling my younger, more relationship-savvy self, though, I do have some comments to make. First, you have to remember that girls (/guys) are a varied lot and what we look for differs. For example, most women like confidence in a guy, but some strongly prefer the shy guys. Unfortunately, since like usually attracts like, shy people often end up liking other shy folks, so both are too scared to make a move, meaning it is especially important for us to make an effort and put ourselves out there. If you have the attitude that 'no one will ever want me' you create a self-fulfilling prophecy - you don't take as many risks as you need to, and you're likely to emit an "I'm not worthy" vibe, which will make people who don't really know you think you probably _aren't_ worthy. Instead, recognize that just as you will only be interested in certain people, you yourself are only a good match for certain people (the ones who like shy guys, who are sympathetic to whatever other circumstances apply, and are compatible in whatever other ways are important to the two of you). No one is attractive to everyone, and everyone will face rejections (which I prefer to think of as mismatches - you're just not the person they're looking for). But if you keep at it, and keep striving for personal growth, then yes chances are you will find a good match for you.


----------



## ihatetechnology

Hah! I think I have ALL of you beat! I was 39 before I had a boyfriend (I'd dated guys, but it wouldn't last) and I was literally one month from being a 40 year old virgin.

I met the guy online. I write, and he read my stuff, and we emailed each other for a couple of weeks before he asked me out. He already knew what I looked like, and he seemed nice, and I saw a picture of him on his blogger profile and thought he looked interesting, so we went out. He kissed me goodnight three times (he had to go to work right after our date.)

So, it seemed like bliss at first. He called me right away and we talked for a while. I told him I was a virgin and he was okay with that. So we had sex about a week later. I thought I would marry the guy. But the problems began almost from the start.

I was 12 years older than he was. He purposely dated older women. I think that was rooted in childhood, when his parents got divorced. I think it hindered his development, and from then on, since his father left the family and his mom started drinking, he started looking for mom. I didn't want to take care of anyone. I had more ambition than he did, and I worked more jobs, and made more money (I had a ton of bills at the time.)

He also thought he had Asperger's syndrome, which meant it felt like I was dating a robot at times. He could be so insensitive and clueless, and that wasn't fun at all. The relationship lasted about three years and three months longer than it should have (we dated for three and a half years) and the reason we didn't break up sooner is that I didn't want to give up (although I should have.) It took me so damn long to meet him, and who knows when I would find another guy.

So we broke up three and a half years ago, and I haven't had a boyfriend since. I don't think he's had a steady girlfriend since (we're still friends, and we do favors for each other like proofread each other's writing and give rides if our cars are in the shop.)

Right now, I have a horrible, terrible, obsessive crush on a man I cannot have. He's married. He's super nice and thoughtful and kind to me, and after being teased by boys and picked on and physically assaulted and insulted from middle school on, the fact that he's nice to me is enough to make me wet. Add in the fact that the guy is super-wholesome looking, tall and in shape, and I'm a mess. I never would have paid attention to him (I'm terrified of men because no matter how I act, they are ****ty to me, or condescending) except for the fact that I got my hair cut, and two weeks later he said "I know it's been a couple weeks, but I noticed you got your hair cut, and it looks really flattering." Men NEVER say stuff like that to me, so I beamed and said thank you, and from then on, I'm always hoping I will see him. We both teach. He doesn't have any classes so far this semester, and I only saw him once. But he asked for my help with a computer and also asked for a good book to explain the difference between MLA and APA formats for papers. He said, "it seems like I'm always asking you for help." I told him it was okay, but my God, I just want to hug him sometimes, because I think he has a little going on with his self-esteem and being hard on himself, the way I'm hard on myself. It's torture, because even with my terror of men, if he hadn't been wearing a wedding ring, I would have invited him out for coffee so we could talk about our wacky students.

It's torture, but it is sort of fun--kind of like being in school and having a crush on a boy. I catch myself analyzing his looks, what he says, the info he shares with me, etc. 

In a way I want to thank him, because I had a hysterectomy a little over four years ago, and I thought, well, that's that. I thought I'd never feel sexual feelings again. But after several years of not seeing any men in this town that turn me on, I want to devour this man. There might be just a wee bit of chemistry between us, and at least two people have asked me what would happen if either one of us crossed the line. I don't think I would, because I couldn't deal with the guilt, and this guy seems way too honorable. Maybe I'm romanticizing him too much, but he seems very thoughtful and kind, and maybe just a little hard on himself, maybe some low self-esteem, definitely some OCD. I am totally physically attracted to him--very wholesome looking, preppy, normal looking--no tattoos or piercings, which I despise. And he's closer in age to me (not that anything would happen) but still looks boyish. Men my age just don't seem appealing, because the majority of them look old (I don't).

Ugh. What a long post. But cheer up men, I finally got laid at 39, but as for finding true love... well, I don't think that's going to happen. And I'd rather be alone than be with someone who bores me or who treats me like crap. Wish I had some advice for you. I definitely want someone who is in shape, or if he's overweight, not to the point where he can't move. I'm fat myself, but working on losing weight, and I can fit in amusement park rides and downhill ski. Go out and do something that women enjoy doing too, like maybe a book club. Have something you're pursuing. Better jobs mean better money. You don't have to be rich, but working part time means you're broke all the time. If you're okay with this, when you do meet a girl and you hit it off, be creative about coming up with low-cost fun things to do (besides sex) so that not having any money doesn't become a drag all the time.

I used to think it was all about looks, but even beautiful women have problems being in good relationships, and I've seen some truly hideous women who are married AND they manage to have affairs. I give up. Good luck, men.


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## ihatetechnology

Keirra said:


> I am 34 and I have never had a boyfriend. Guys are just not interested in me. I am apprehensive of online dating sites. I don't think I would meet any guy's expectations because I am so unexperienced.


I was 39 before I got my first boyfriend. My post is at the end of this thread. Please read it.

Hugs to you. I know how you feel!


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## senrab

bottleofblues said:


> You sound a lot like me, i've been told i'm good looking, have no desire whatsoever for kids, and also probably give off the aura of 'don't approach me'. I've had opportunities in the past, very few admittedly, but my low self esteem and depression would always **** it up for me.
> I personally wouldn't care that you'd never been in a relationship if i liked you because i've never been in one either! But i don't know how many men or woman out there who are experienced would feel the same way.
> To be honest if someone was into me and then when they found out that i was inexperienced decided i wasn't for them then well i don't think i'd want to spend my time with someone that judgmental. I'd rather be with someone who has a bit more compassion.


sorry, I didn't see this until now. Thanks for reading that wall of text. I get what you're saying - I think if the other person who has more experience is weirded out or flat out rejects you, they're not worth being with anyway.

I wish I had an update on this front but I don't. However, there has been a change for the better on the depression front. I went through another bad time shortly after I wrote that post and I don't remember much of this past autumn. My psychiatrist added-of all things-an antipsychotic to my med cocktail and that has seemed to pull me out of the abyss. I am at least interested in my art/graphic design again. I still have the same old **** when it comes to socializing.


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## Kiwong

This thing bothered me until I was 40. Then I became seriously ill, and my priorities changed to survival and regaining my health. Since then issues related to sex and relationships are much less important to me, and I think I am happier because of it. Rejection made me feel pretty miserable at times.


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## chefdave

I'm also 31. And although I have had a girlfriend before, in September I would have been celibate for 10 years.

At no point over the past 10 years have I felt that girlfriend would seriously improve my life as I've always had more pressing issues to deal with: usually involving housing or work, and as my SA makes it difficult for me to connect with people I've always viewed relationships as more trouble than they're worth. Having said that I did message a girl on a dating site earlier today (I didn't plan to do this, I was just bored and her profile seemed OK) and going over my account history I discovered that I fired off 3 messages around 12-18 months ago, although none of these girls responded. I can't say I blame them. 

I'm quite looking forward to celebrating my 10th anniversary in September and I don't envisage that my 'dry spell' will be broken between now and then. I'm not sure how to celebrate it though. Maybe a fancy restaurant, table for 1?


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## snow7

Yes, it's about your state of mind, not looks or job success... SA is very crippling, had crippled me all my life. I'm 38, still pretty, have a respectable job and education, but my social life and relationships were always meager to non-existent and it's mostly my doing since I kept distancing myself and turning away opportunities. I was both shy and reserved for many years and socially awkward. I did not like the social scene and have difficulty relating to strangers, even to people I know and like. As for men, my way of avoiding relationship was crushing on men who were in some way unavailable and just keeping away from them because of it even when it was torture. And of course a crush would linger for YEARS sometime, and I would reject even guys who were attractive to me because, you know, I'm not REALLY in love with him! Now I know that it was self-sabotage due to anxiety. Unfortunately, the older you get the tougher it is to meet men unless you make a real effort, and like others have said, online dating and such raise issues even more to the point when you would rather not put yourself through it. You are used to being alone and kind of go along with it, but every few months or so you get that terrible existential attack of fear- oh my god, how did I end wasting so many years of my life on nothing, and now I am getting close to the age when having children will be a lot more difficult.


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## senrab

snow7 said:


> Yes, it's about your state of mind, not looks or job success... SA is very crippling, had crippled me all my life. I'm 38, still pretty, have a respectable job and education, but my social life and relationships were always meager to non-existent and it's mostly my doing since I kept distancing myself and turning away opportunities. I was both shy and reserved for many years and socially awkward. I did not like the social scene and have difficulty relating to strangers, even to people I know and like. As for men, my way of avoiding relationship was crushing on men who were in some way unavailable and just keeping away from them because of it even when it was torture. And of course a crush would linger for YEARS sometime, and I would reject even guys who were attractive to me because, you know, I'm not REALLY in love with him! Now I know that it was self-sabotage due to anxiety. Unfortunately, the older you get the tougher it is to meet men unless you make a real effort, and like others have said, online dating and such raise issues even more to the point when you would rather not put yourself through it. You are used to being alone and kind of go along with it, but every few months or so you get that terrible existential attack of fear- oh my god, how did I end wasting so many years of my life on nothing, and now I am getting close to the age when having children will be a lot more difficult.


You're right about the state of mind thing. How many of us have seen people in relationships who are quite unattractive? I've been having the "oh God I've wasted everything" feelings of terror too.

FYI on the children thing - my mother was almost 42 when she and my father adopted me, and she was almost 44 when they adopted my sister.


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## senrab

ihatetechnology said:


> Hah! I think I have ALL of you beat! I was 39 before I had a boyfriend (I'd dated guys, but it wouldn't last) and I was literally one month from being a 40 year old virgin.
> 
> I met the guy online. I write, and he read my stuff, and we emailed each other for a couple of weeks before he asked me out. He already knew what I looked like, and he seemed nice, and I saw a picture of him on his blogger profile and thought he looked interesting, so we went out. He kissed me goodnight three times (he had to go to work right after our date.)
> 
> So, it seemed like bliss at first. He called me right away and we talked for a while. I told him I was a virgin and he was okay with that. So we had sex about a week later. I thought I would marry the guy. But the problems began almost from the start.


Can I ask you something? You don't have to give any details, but when the sex thing was imminent, what was going through your mind? Was your internal monologue something like "OMFGTHISISFINALLYHAPPENINGAFTER ALL THESE YEARSICANTBELIEVEIT"? (even though this guy ended up not being right for you at all - I'm just talking about at that moment)


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## eloepp

I can't say I'm in the same boat, but it's almost worse, so please let me share my story. None of this is exaggerated or a lie. I've been in one.. just one relationship ever, and I even married that woman. She adored me and took all my crap. She was perfect and I was not. I sat on the computer all day and neglected her. Even so she never once judged me, complained, or put me down ever and she would do anything for me. She was the one...She even said she had dreams about a guy when she was younger and I was the guy from her dreams. She was a little lazy and didn't have a great job, but that didn't bother me one bit. She was, in my mind, perfect for me. I couldn't believe she loved ugly me and all my odd behaviors. But she did... completely and utterly. I'm weird I don't think any other women would put up with me without complaining and she even went above and beyond all expectations I could have. But, in the end, I took her for granted. I wanted a comfortable life so I let her join the Navy at the age of 29. I continued to neglect her while she was gone. She is a very codependent person, which can be a good thing, so needless to say it didn't last. I literally took the one person I could find that loved and adored me for who I was and let her go. Maybe even pushed her away a little. I just assumed we would always be together. It's the worst thing I could have lost. Far more so than any amount of money, a car, a house... It's been 8 months and I'm still crying  I have no confidence and no hopes for another relationship. At my last job I think the only female I talked to my age was my boss.

Anyway my point is... most relationships nowadays end in separation and it's very, very painful sometimes. Not saying you should be alone forever, but I'd personally rather have just always have been alone if I can never work it out with her. Every second of every day is painful. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to have a panic attack because it's overwhelming.


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## eloepp

oh, also I should say... some advice for people who haven't been with anyone... you will meet somebody someday. somebody who is perfect for, and I would like to part some wisdom. unless you've been in a relationship or are just a really good person, you might make bad mistakes. Sometimes things have to be learned the hard way, but just listen when I say, if you know you have the one for you.. deep down.. you will know. even if you get a little sick of them from time to time, that is natural. NEVER take them for granted, always respect them, and listen to the little things. remember what you were like when you first met, what you did, and don't stop doing those things, even if it seems like a chore or extra spending. sounds cliche but it's the truth. it's not what broke up my relationship, but she mentioned things later and I live in regret now.


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## notwanted

Got you all beat. 51-year-old male, never dated, never held hands, never kissed a girl, thus never had sex with a girl unless I paid for it. In my teens and 20s I always got rejected by women, so I gave up at 30 just accepting that romance isn't meant to be for some, and I'm one of them.


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## londonguy202

notwanted said:


> Got you all beat. 51-year-old male, never dated, never held hands, never kissed a girl, thus never had sex with a girl unless I paid for it. In my teens and 20s I always got rejected by women, so I gave up at 30 just accepting that romance isn't meant to be for some, and I'm one of them.


Wow, I thought i was the only guy who is nearly 30, no real GF and no sex. Maybe im not alone


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## Cheshirecat88

*fake plastic love*

I cannot commit to people. I've had many relationships, all failures. It's typically my own fault. I enjoy the company of another yet cannot trust a soul. Perhaps, you are lucky. You could've had a deplorable person such as me for a girlfriend. However, I do want to believe there is a match for all, humans are not meant to be alone. We choose it.


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## mellowyellow321

To the OP, you are not missing much. The grass is always greener on the other side, my friend. I have been in several meaningful relationships: some short-term and long-term. And, to be honest, after all the time, energy, and money spent during the relationship I wonder if was worth it.

While I am grateful for the experience, in the end, you will remember your first love and your last (imho). Maybe your first gf will be the one. Try to be positive and maybe utilize some online means of dating like Okcupid, which is free. Right now, my parents are giving me an earful of how I should settle down and start a brood, but that's the last thing on my mind because of my career ambitions.

In short, tomorrow is a new a day for you but you have to change your routine. Try to put yourself out there by asking a friend introduce you or going to a social event with a friend to meet new people. The same brings the same...


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## londonguy202

Cheshirecat88 said:


> I cannot commit to people. I've had many relationships, all failures. It's typically my own fault.


It's not your fault ever. You are a great person and might be a wonderful caring girlfriend. A guy will be lucky to have you


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## millenniumman75

It is better to be a virgin at 30 than having been in four failed relationships, some of them with kids. Not me, but it happens!


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## londonguy202

millenniumman75 said:


> It is better to be a virgin at 30 than having been in four failed relationships, some of them with kids. Not me, but it happens!


Very true, im happy i didnt have failed relationships, my heart and my wallet could not take it. Plus if kids happened it would be a mess in the courts


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## millenniumman75

londonguy202 said:


> Very true, im happy i didnt have failed relationships, my heart and my wallet could not take it. Plus if kids happened it would be a mess in the courts


 Yep.

The lesson is, guys........Don't aspire to become Maury show panelists!

If I see one more Manila envelope, I will SCREAM!


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## GoEasy

Don't worry my friend. World is too big to be alone. I am almost 32 and in similar situation. And too add, I have nothing to pity myself..I had good parents, good education with two university degrees, and also a good job since 8 years, and have seen half the world till now. From the eyes of the crowd, I am successful and shall have nothing to complain. In addition, i am into sales and have no problems talking to strangers. But still I never had a girlfriend. Don't know the reason. Some say high standards, some say you are too short (it is never a problem in the sales job though), some say just lack of experience by now. I mean, who cares. One thing I have learned till now is; life never stops. If it doesn't have to happen, then better not. I am not going to cry on it. Happy and sad phases come by and go; it is like a cycle that will never stop. Woman is just one aspect of life... it depends on you if you just want to give up on all other aspects, just because you are not getting a woman. Try for having a girlfriend, it will make you sad at times that you dont have one. But do not blame yourself.. your own life is more important for you than any other woman on earth. Keep walking...cheers!


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## hypestyle

I'm 40 and more pissed off than ever. I really feel cheated, socially. I'm not feeling this. I just want somebody cute to socialize with who thinks I'm neat and vice versa. It's not the most drastic or vainglorious dream. But inevitably, it's forever out of my reach. I can't even get the B, C or D love-life package, let alone the A package.


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## andyrose

*dont worry i am 33 and never had a girlfriend or a friend*

hi don't worry your not alone I am 33 and never had a girlfriend or even a friend I put it down to the fact that I am ugly and have no money that's what girls want.:yes


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## DeeperUnderstanding

andyrose said:


> hi don't worry your not alone I am 33 and never had a girlfriend or even a friend I put it down to the fact that I am ugly and have no money that's what girls want.:yes


That isn't what girls want.

Girls, however, want guys who like themselves and have ambitions and goals. I sometimes think that's my problem; I tend to have just sat back and not really gone after things. I'm trying to be better in my 30's.


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## straightarrows

Nothing new +1


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## Mongoose

millenniumman75 said:


> It is better to be a virgin at 30 than having been in four failed relationships, some of them with kids. Not me, but it happens!


Some people don't mind having several kids from several different people. I've known a few. It's not better to be a virgin at 30, unless it's by choice, and the person is happy with that choice.


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## Mongoose

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> That isn't what girls want.
> 
> Girls, however, want guys who like themselves and have ambitions and goals. I sometimes think that's my problem; I tend to have just sat back and not really gone after things. I'm trying to be better in my 30's.


I've never known a woman for whom money and looks were a problem.


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## HappyHappy

*Don't give up*

I've recently begun dating a guy who has never had a girlfriend at 30. I was a bit surprised to find out--how did he go this long without a relationship?

I actually almost gave up on him a few times because I didn't think he was interested in me. I started everything, and if I didn't call or text him- we didn't talk. These are all signs of a guy who isn't that into you.

I'm so glad I didn't give up, and kept pursuing him. He is a great guy, and I feel I've got myself a catch that the other girls failed to figure out. I wonder how many women have been interested, only to decide that he didn't like them back or try hard enough, giving up something great.

I do have to add though, he works a steady job, has his license, and has goals he works toward. If not, I wouldn't probably be interested because those are priorities of mine. Not money and material things, but someone who can pull their own weight an set and achieve goals with me.

I just wanted to share and encourage everybody not to give up. Work on getting yourself to a place where you can mutually take part in building a life with someone if you aren't already, and make sure that when you meet someone your interested in, you find ways to show her (without being over the top of course) that you do like her.


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## Mongoose

HappyHappy said:


> I do have to add though, he works a steady job, has his license, and has goals he works toward. If not, I wouldn't probably be interested because those are priorities of mine. Not money and material things, but someone who can pull their own weight an set and achieve goals with me.
> 
> I just wanted to share and encourage everybody not to give up. Work on getting yourself to a place where you can mutually take part in building a life with someone if you aren't already, and make sure that when you meet someone your interested in, you find ways to show her (without being over the top of course) that you do like her.


I've worked full-time one year in the last five years. I've had one interview since September 2012. I can't even get a minimum wage job because now I'm considered "unemployable" for having been out of the job market for so long. So yeah, I have given up on the idea that there will ever be a woman in my life.


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## lesedwards

Join clubs for the friends aspect.
Also learn some game. It will take you far


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## Nightwisher

Mongoose said:


> I've worked full-time one year in the last five years. I've had one interview since September 2012. I can't even get a minimum wage job because now I'm considered "unemployable" for having been out of the job market for so long. So yeah, I have given up on the idea that there will ever be a woman in my life.


 I'm new to being a manager, and I've stumbled onto a very AWESOME secret. I've seen them hire two people after interviewing them and looking at their reference. Best part is? They looked at the references...AND DIDN'T CALL THEM IN TO CHECK ON THEM!

Honestly, at least A THIRD of all employers will just nod and smile and believe whatever believable references you put down and not look them up. And the best part is even if they do and don't hire you, do you REALLY think they'll phone other employers and tell them?

Just apply and lie on your resume/application. It can't hurt and isn't illegal (unless you want to work for the FBI or something)

Just lie like a rug and see what happens. What do you have to lose?


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## Darktower776

HappyHappy said:


> I've recently begun dating a guy who has never had a girlfriend at 30. I was a bit surprised to find out--how did he go this long without a relationship?
> 
> I actually almost gave up on him a few times because I didn't think he was interested in me. I started everything, and if I didn't call or text him- we didn't talk. These are all signs of a guy who isn't that into you.
> 
> I'm so glad I didn't give up, and kept pursuing him. He is a great guy, and I feel I've got myself a catch that the other girls failed to figure out. I wonder how many women have been interested, only to decide that he didn't like them back or try hard enough, giving up something great.
> 
> I do have to add though, he works a steady job, has his license, and has goals he works toward. If not, I wouldn't probably be interested because those are priorities of mine. Not money and material things, but someone who can pull their own weight an set and achieve goals with me.
> 
> I just wanted to share and encourage everybody not to give up. Work on getting yourself to a place where you can mutually take part in building a life with someone if you aren't already, and make sure that when you meet someone your interested in, you find ways to show her (without being over the top of course) that you do like her.


Good for you for pursuing the relationship where many others would not have.


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## tombobby55

When I went through puberty at the age of 12, I was pretty much "skipped over". I vowed that I would never be "compared" with anyone. The embarrassment was overwhelming and I decided the best thing for me would be to withdraw into myself. No dates, no dances, no proms, no nothing. That also meant no friends, but that, too, was going to have to be all right. It also helps to be 5' 9" tall and weigh 360 pounds. The weight thing here is the clincher: when you don't even want yourself, no one else will want you either. If any of this is "too much information", I apologize.


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## hypestyle

it's veering toward too late for me. My lack of vertical career movement despite recently acquiring a degree, still living with a parent because I hadn't been able to afford my own place, and even still living in a city I don't relate to anymore are all issues. I'm not interested in trying to build a family here, not at all. I'm loathe to even pretend that I think this is a "great place to live & work" anymore. I'm just not interested in being dishonest in small-talk like that. I've become very embittered.

I'm saving money for a move, but now I have to start selling clothes or giving them away..
Ironically I have a lot of vacation time saved up.. but I'm loathe to actually plan a vacation.. if a job inquiry/interview request comes in for an out of town position i've applied for, I'd be scrambling to try and make arrangements for that..


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## Genetic Garbage

27 year old virgin, never kissed, never held hands and never been on a date. I blame all the things I can't change like my height, race, ugliness and lack of intelligence. Apart from that, I am broke, have no prospects of ever having a good job and no car. If I don't have a car, I might as well be physically disabled or a mutant circus freak. I am not even talking about owning an expensive, luxury car but most people expect you to at least own an ordinary car. And who is going to date someone who will make minimum wage for the rest of his life? This is if I will ever be able to find a job in the first place. At this point it's just too late. If I told a woman I was a virgin, it would raise all kinds of red flags and she would run in the opposite direction as fast as she can. So the only option for me is to accept that I will remain forever alone. I really wish I was born with better genetics.

Nothing will change in three years.


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## Boomaloom

To the guys, lets put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. Lets say you go on a dating site and see a girl there, 33, who is looking for a relationship. You chat for awhile online, hit it off. She is similar to you in many ways. Not very outgoing, has had no success with "real world dating" and is trying online now. 
You eventually go on a date. You hear more about her job, (which she doesnt like, but it pays the bills), her family background, etc etc. Then when you get to talking about lovelife experience she is very open and honest and tells you she has always has anxiety and intimacy issues which she is conquering but has never had a steady boyfriend.......

Would you jump up from the table and run the opposite way? If you did you'd be an idiot.
Is it so hard to think that a woman might give you the same chance as you would be prepared to give to her in that situation?


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## Mongoose

Boomaloom said:


> Is it so hard to think that a woman might give you the same chance as you would be prepared to give to her in that situation?


Yes, because that's totally unrealistic. The vast majority of women will run from a guy like me.


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## sunflower22

If u dont think younger women want, and older wont, then why not narrow it down to someone your age? Believe it or not, there is allure to a man that hasnt been in a relationship or had very few. No ex drama, no baggage, & hopefully willing to learn. Im tired of hearing men say things like "the vast majority of women". ^^^ if your preception is that, then you wont have good expectations when you do come across the right woman. Assuming we are all alike, you wont see a good one.


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## Mongoose

sunflower22 said:


> If u dont think younger women want, and older wont, then why not narrow it down to someone your age? Believe it or not, there is allure to a man that hasnt been in a relationship or had very few. No ex drama, no baggage, & hopefully willing to learn. Im tired of hearing men say things like "the vast majority of women". ^^^ if your preception is that, then you wont have good expectations when you do come across the right woman. Assuming we are all alike, you wont see a good one.


 I'm not saying all women are alike. I'm saying the ODDS of finding a woman who would accept me is so low that there's no point in trying, just like the odds of winning the lottery are so low that there's no point in playing.


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## sunflower22

Maybe im still naive or like the challenge, but im glad the odds are low. Id like to think theres only one meant for me. While I use to think something was wrong with me (and theres plenty ) ive now learned that I know what i want, what I dont, what im willing to compromise on. It may take ten days or ten years, but i have no doubt theres someone who will accept me, the way i have accepted myself. One day, when you have the right woman, wont it feel good to know she was so rare and precious?


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## The Sleeping Dragon

I'm not really in the same boat other than being 31 and never been in a relationship.

But here is what I've learned over the years. I was wrong. Girls were interested. I just never wanted to see it. I was too depressed a long time. And I pushed everybody back whenever they were talking to me. A girl at my former job once said to me - she was gorgeous by the way and was interested in talking to me be it platonic or not - that I have very high walls. Meaning I won't easily let somebody in. I assume this is for most of the people here the same.

Than a few years ago I realized a girl I even liked, liked me back. The problem there was I've never learned to act. I always waited to long because of my own insecurity. I need to know for certain if I won't fail. Because failing would take too much of a toll in the state I was in. I was very depressed a few years back, never been that bad. I was walking to a cliff. I never really stood on the edge. But I know I was dangerously close in going to a place I could not come back from.

What I mean is that the way we see the world in our state is not how the world really is. We think one thing and we make it true. Trust me somebody out there liked you once. You either never saw it, you were not interested at the time, or you just never noticed her. 

Where to start? Well first of all. A women who cares for you would not care about experience. That's very superficial. When I look at myself and see me fall for a women, I take the bad with the good. And with bad I don't mean necessarily bad but things I don't like. For example if she has a big family that she is close too. I am not like that. So it concerns me. Yet I still would go out with her. See? And I believe women are just like that as well. Love is all about compromise. Giving something up in return for something else. When you really like somebody it just doesn't matter. 

TL;DR

Perception is screwing us all over. Our minds are warped. The truths we have learned are false.


----------



## sqwaaaz

Mongoose said:


> I'm in the same boat. I don't even bother to try to get a date anymore - too late. No woman in her right mind will ever go out with me - an unemployed virgin loser who has lived with his parents his whole life - over guys who have normal lives. If my parents were dead, I'd just kill myself and get it over with. Because my life is over.


Yes, it's sort of obvious that we won't be able to get a standard woman when we have mental problems ourselves. No one wants to partner with someone below their own level. So, you would need to target women that _aren't_ quite in their right mind, so to speak.


----------



## intheshadows

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/06/01#.U5SSBtJOVMs


----------



## intheshadows

Women won't be impressed that I used the odd ***** in the past decade.


----------



## Mongoose

sqwaaaz said:


> Yes, it's sort of obvious that we won't be able to get a standard woman when we have mental problems ourselves. No one wants to partner with someone below their own level. So, you would need to target women that _aren't_ quite in their right mind, so to speak.


 Seems like a recipe for disaster.


----------



## M0rbid

Mongoose said:


> Seems like a recipe for disaster.


lol agreed


----------



## soulstorm

I really don't care whether a potential mate is a virgin or not. I'm simply interested in A) does this person have an acceptable level of emotional baggage B) are our philosophical views compatible...and C) are we attracted to one another? Outside of that, I don't really care about social status or past relationships.


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## TOYOTAFJ45

gooday guys i to am like you i havent had friends in over 10 years and also never had a girl friend nor friends that are girls. People always ask if i am gay and i just wont to hurt them i turn 30 in 5 months and it,s only getting worse. I only spoke to my sister recently about it and she could not belive  that i have lived like this for so long. She also said that it will pass but they dont know what it is like to fight through each day :| . I am centerly not ugly so i have been told but like every one has said no one wants some one with no expereance . I just wont to know what it's to have some one in my life


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## ilsr

You guys just 30 or over. There are some of us, possibly more than a few, if you count the lurkers, who are over 40 and still in the same situation. 

I went back to community college for a different major and geez, I'm getting into arguments with a girl (in her mid-late 20's also back in school) who is kind of a study partner. I think what happened she eventually sensed I was
in this ****ty situation then started treating me more disrespectfully and it got even worse when I tried to stand up for myself. I feel like I've been through the wringer of a breakup or a divorce and I've never been in a real physical relationship. 

Yeah, same here, I'm not ugly. I'm not gay. I look over 10 years younger and get carded sometimes. I workout, and i could be dressed up lik a movie star and such but within 2minutes a girl or even any "normal" person will peg me as a weak loser anyways and undeserving of respect. 

I was having 'neutral" first half of this year. But now everyday it's like depression dumps again. Everyday is a fight, like why even bother. I step out of the door, and I'm humiliated in some way again like every day seemingly. Then thinking "Maybe there's a way I can "get out" of this life quietly without anyone noticing. But then it'll kill my parents too. But my brother and cousins don't ****ing care anyways. They probably thought I was bad my whole life and deserve this" etc.


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## Metus

northroad said:


> I had my first relationship at 27, and it was pretty much a failure. It lasted for much longer than it should have because I put up a front, hoping to prolong it so that I could learn.
> 
> I'm 29 now. One big problem we have is that just about any opposite sex our age is going to be very experienced relationship wise and is going to expect the same. I doubt any ladies are going to want to date a guy that has the experience of a teenager. Our maturity can only make up for so much


I wouldn't assume what they expect from you. Besides, a fair amount of single women in their late 20s and early 30s are looking for a good man that will stick by them to settle down with.

Don't worry about how many women you've been with. Don't even let the thought enter your mind. Have your crap together in your life and act like you actually deserve a woman when you interact with them. Because you do, just as much as anyone else.


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## millenniumman75

Metus said:


> I wouldn't assume what they expect from you. Besides, a fair amount of single women in their late 20s and early 30s are looking for a good man that will stick by them to settle down with.
> 
> Don't worry about how many women you've been with. Don't even let the thought enter your mind. Have your crap together in your life and act like you actually deserve a woman when you interact with them. Because you do, just as much as anyone else.


 This is correct.

I am starting to see it.


----------



## Mongoose

Metus said:


> I wouldn't assume what they expect from you. Besides, a fair amount of single women in their late 20s and early 30s are looking for a good man that will stick by them to settle down with.


Correct, which is why women become increasingly unwilling to consider an inexperienced guy as they get older. If a woman is looking to spend the rest of her life with a guy, she's not going to waste her time on a guy who she thinks has mental problems and will be bad in bed, to boot.


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## RD7

Mongoose said:


> Correct, which is why women become increasingly unwilling to consider an inexperienced guy as they get older. If a woman is looking to spend the rest of her life with a guy, she's not going to waste her time on a guy who she thinks has mental problems and will be bad in bed, to boot.


Why don't you try and find out? You don't have to tell anyone that you have mental problems, and being inexperienced isn't a crime. Perhaps it's more common than we think? If you found a girlfriend it's possible that she wouldn't know any better unless you told her. Instead of worrying what others think - focus on number 1 and the bigger problems to hand.


----------



## RD7

Metus said:


> Have your crap together in your life and act like you actually deserve a woman when you interact with them. Because you do, just as much as anyone else.


That's what I'm getting at. You deserve a woman just as much as anyone else, you deserve to walk in the park just as much as anyone else, etc.

Modern life is like an attack on self esteem but you have to cut through all of the crap and put things into perspective. Women have just as many insecurities about themselves if not more (wearing makeup).


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## ilsr

RD7 said:


> That's what I'm getting at. You deserve a woman just as much as anyone else, you deserve to walk in the park just as much as anyone else, etc.
> 
> Modern life is like an attack on self esteem but you have to cut through all of the crap and put things into perspective. Women have just as many insecurities about themselves if not more (wearing makeup).


sorry for interloping. I appreciate the posting of positive supportive words.

I'm not the OP you are responding to. But at my age now, it's come to the point that I realize everybody thinks I'm a screw case and will never deserve a "normal" woman just like anyone else.

Even pretty women and acquaintances I've come across will be friendly with me because I'm not a badass they can actually talk to where I mumble too much and reveal my total self to them anyways, but of course they and everyone else think I came from the wrong stock to ever seriously be considered for a regular relationship like "everyone else".
Just talking for 5 min, is enough to be classified in the "not a contender, harmless" immediately in each and every case.

Maybe one reason is because I never fit in, and I never tried to fit in and always avoided or just "hung around" like a parked car. But of course we can go on endlessly about that.


----------



## ilsr

Mongoose said:


> Correct, which is why women become increasingly unwilling to consider an inexperienced guy as they get older. If a woman is looking to spend the rest of her life with a guy, she's not going to waste her time on a guy who she thinks has mental problems and will be bad in bed, to boot.


Exactly Mongoose. I've seen it firsthand myself. Even if a "normal guy" in a relationship "slips up" and starts to have mental problems, the gf is often quick to leave.

I've actually went on a date with a hot woman close to my age. All we did was dinner, and it was pretty much over after that. During the dinner she did some thump on the table to emphasize her point then turned to me and said oops, i hope you don't think I was too rowdy for you. Meaning she thought I had avoided loud expressive social people my whole life and had little experience. But sad to say it's pretty much true. And so much is said nonverbally it quickly becomes apparent what someone thinks of or ascertaining their level of respect of you.


----------



## Schmosby

sqwaaaz said:


> Yes, it's sort of obvious that we won't be able to get a standard woman when we have mental problems ourselves. No one wants to partner with someone below their own level. So, you would need to target women that _aren't_ quite in their right mind, so to speak.


I do, I like women with worse issues than me.


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## Lilly00

I'm 33 and never had a boyfriend. Been on dates, but nothing that turned into a relationship. Although my last date, the guy was ready on Date #1 for us to be in a relationship, was texting for hours every single day, always asking me what I liked about him (before we even met in person), and told me he was deleting his online dating profile after our 1st and only date. I ended it cause he was so clingy. I would like marriage and children someday too, but I don't want to rush. Going on 1 or 2 dates does not equal a relationship. We are just getting to know eachother. A guy that smothers me and is needy, clingy, and desperate is a HUGE turn off. I agree with online dating that a lot of them are desperate and are serial daters. Not something I want. I want a guy to go out on dates with and have fun with, and doesn't need constant reassurance from day 1 about our future. Dating is about getting to know someone and deciding if you are compatible, and that takes awhile. Yet this guy was ready for us to be exclusive right way. Thats very scary to me cause you don't even know me! He was always needing reassurance that I liked him and that is a sign of insecurity and not a good quality in a man.


----------



## hypestyle

... as usual, I can't even get to the first base of a first date.. Never any girlfriends.. no first kiss, first fling, let alone first sex.. I'm increasingly angsty and angry about it now. It's become more personally aggravating.


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## wvbry

Glad to know I'm not the only one! I am a 32 year old female...I had my first date at 19 and have gone on dates since then, but nothing close to a relationship. I get so worked up about the actual "date" that I am not myself and come off as uninterested. It takes me a while to get comfortable with someone - especially guys - but it's hard to get that amount of time if the guy loses interest :/


----------



## ilsr

Lilly00 said:


> I'm 33 and never had a boyfriend. Been on dates, but nothing that turned into a relationship. Although my last date, the guy was ready on Date #1 for us to be in a relationship, was texting for hours every single day, always asking me what I liked about him (before we even met in person), and told me he was deleting his online dating profile after our 1st and only date. I ended it cause he was so clingy. I would like marriage and children someday too, but I don't want to rush. Going on 1 or 2 dates does not equal a relationship. We are just getting to know eachother. A guy that smothers me and is needy, clingy, and desperate is a HUGE turn off. I agree with online dating that a lot of them are desperate and are serial daters. Not something I want. I want a guy to go out on dates with and have fun with, and doesn't need constant reassurance from day 1 about our future. Dating is about getting to know someone and deciding if you are compatible, and that takes awhile. Yet this guy was ready for us to be exclusive right way. Thats very scary to me cause you don't even know me! He was always needing reassurance that I liked him and that is a sign of insecurity and not a good quality in a man.


Thanks for your honest thoughts. I would agree a man who is insecure is definitely doomed to never have a decent mate much less one he dreams about. I'm just comfirming doomed is doomed. Insecure SA guys have to "fake" being "secure" about themselves, and it only lasts a short while before the female loses respect and leaves whatever (whether it was just hanging out, a few dates).

Because we SA guys are not "winners". Only winners mate and have kids, often they have multiple mates and the usual baggage. It's like power, tyrants can get more and more of the resource because they can. It's inequitable, it's unfair, but that's the reality we live in our short lives, all of us, winners or not.

The only equalizer to us all, whether SA guys who never have a mate. Starving kids in third world countries who die early. Virgins who die in wars. Born retarded people who will never have a family of their own. Millions of suffering people; so the only ironic equalizer of life is we all die and we have short lives. Kind of ironic one has to be so ruthless, and be a "winner" and take advantage of others, and be able to influence others with power that they can have a "normal" family life and have kids to pass on their genes because no one lives forever.

So we choose to waste our time on these boards or not. Or just type whining about our condition for some small salve to our lonely torment.
Or help others in the same situation realize the true horror and depth of their sure doom.


----------



## The Sleeping Dragon

I barely begun asking girls out. Twice in my life. Failed miserably obviously. I feel like a loser admitting this. How can I be this ill prepared this late in my life...


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## Tomyx

I've had sex twice, once with a girl who was almost attracted to me, for like a week. But yeah, never had a girlfriend.


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## M0rbid




----------



## millenniumman75

Schmosby said:


> I do, I like women with worse issues than me.


The Knight in Shining Armor deal. One would have to be careful, though.


----------



## Schmosby

millenniumman75 said:


> The Knight in Shining Armor deal. One would have to be careful, though.


Yea I think if a girlfriend is too capable I feel like a spare cog, I like to have a needy partner to look after, otherwise what is the point of me.


----------



## millenniumman75

Schmosby said:


> Yea I think if a girlfriend is too capable I feel like a spair cog, I like to have a needy partner to look after, otherwise what is the point of me.


 To a point, it's valid.

I would want my girlfriend to be able to stand on her own too feet. 
I guess I have been at the self-improvement thing for so long. That's what I get for taking over a house from my dad (two story four bedroom) - I have to do everything or it doesn't get done.


----------



## IcedOver

They say that age doesn't matter, but yes, it kind of does affect perception, especially when you're 38 and have zero experience (and I mean nothing, ever). I've been trying over the past few years, but perhaps I've not been trying in the right way. I know what I'm looking for, but perhaps what I'm looking for isn't attainable. If I desired a regular girlfriend, I may be able to swing that, but I don't believe I do, and certainly never want to get married. As a result, I'm holding myself back, and each year has brought another tick to the age. It's really nothing to complain about, but it does wear on me to think that I've never experienced any kind of sensuality with anyone, when this is something that is achieved commonly, as easily as riding a bike. I have only myself to blame, though.


----------



## apx24

Schmosby said:


> Yea I think if a girlfriend is too capable I feel like a spair cog, I like to have a needy partner to look after, otherwise what is the point of me.


I can understand this feeling.


----------



## lyricalillusions

I'm 32, gay, and never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed or had sex. Hopefully someday.


----------



## Richard Pawgins

lyricalillusions said:


> I'm 32, gay, and never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed or had sex. Hopefully someday.


Even women have a hard time getting women...

if you liked men you probably would have gotten laid a long time ago.


----------



## mirror13

Im in the same boat except im a female. I have never been in a relationship before and I have very bad anxiety about my lack of experience. I also worry whether anyone would date me. 5 dates is the longest relationship ive had.


----------



## johndaniels

The thing I got going on is I don't have "high confidence" everywhere but I have pretty decent confidence most places. Just everyday I think about: every woman I've ever met hasn't had sex with me, what the **** is wrong with me. Like the original post I find myself thinking "I'm ****ing useless I can never do this" but it's not confined to interactions with women-- when I'm talking to females that's all I'm focused on I don't get down about it until I'm alone again-- but every other thing I do (work, driving(why?), ordering food, standing in a crowded room) I find the thought of "why try, not like I'll ever amount to something biologically, I'm loam. Lower than dirt. Useless. Why try."

I don't know why I keep thinking about never having a girlfriend when I'm doing other things and I don't have a problem with the things that I'm getting down on myself about.


----------



## EMPx

Never really had a girl friend I'm now 32 going 33. I'm quite open with who I am, even the fact that I'm still a virgin. Unlike most people I don't care what others think of me and the insignificant opinions of human monkeys. I live my life the way I want to. 


Emphasis in society people concerned only about image, money, power and status. Everyone concerned about how everyone else perceives them. 


Look at it another way. If you meet someone you like go for it ask her out for a drink. If she turns you down. It wasn't meant to be. Move on an carry on.


When the end comes ad least you can say you took every chance you had. Live with no regrets and die with no regrets when the time comes as it does for all of us eventually.


----------



## Agricola

EMPx said:


> Never really had a girl friend I'm now 32 going 33. I'm quite open with who I am, even the fact that I'm still a virgin. Unlike most people I don't care what others think of me and the insignificant opinions of human monkeys. I live my life the way I want to.
> 
> Emphasis in society people concerned only about image, money, power and status. Everyone concerned about how everyone else perceives them.
> 
> Look at it another way. If you meet someone you like go for it ask her out for a drink. If she turns you down. It wasn't meant to be. Move on an carry on.
> 
> When the end comes ad least you can say you took every chance you had. Live with no regrets and die with no regrets when the time comes as it does for all of us eventually.


This is good advice. You really have to be OK with yourself and not allow other people to determine how you feel about yourself. Society is weird; look at all the messed up celebrities that are held up as the most interesting people in the world.

It is also true that rejection is not necessarily a bad thing. In most cases it probably means the relationship would not have worked out anyway, so no loss really.


----------



## Srylance

Oh, these stories are really not encouraging.  This is my biggest fear, i don't think i'd have the will to live on, beyond 40 by myself.


----------



## Agricola

Srylance said:


> Oh, these stories are really not encouraging.  This is my biggest fear, i don't think i'd have the will to live on, beyond 40 by myself.


You are still young, so don't fret.


----------



## EMPx

Yeah your still in your twenties you got time yet. When you hit 30+ chances at that age are remote unless your really attractive etc. If you hit forty the gig is up.


----------



## Hayman

I remain without never having had a girlfriend, never had a date (never even been close…), never kissed, held hands e.t.c… Basically, people half my age have more experience than I do. Some of it is down to people simply not liking me for whatever reason, I'm invisible to most women (those who see me just 'talk down' to me like a child regardless of how I act) and because of the fear of rejection and embarrassment, I simply haven't got it in me to approach anyone. 

I believe it's pretty much 'Game Over' when you hit 30. Sadly I passed that milestone a few months back and I'm now actively winding down my efforts (or the efforts I can put in with SA, rather…) to find someone. Turning 30 just seems to create another hurdle and if I've never got over any previous ones, I don't know how adding another will change matters. Besides, when you get upwards of 30, you'll find practically everyone is already married with young kids, or at least in a serious/long-term relationship. Those who are left single (i.e – me) are more or less hung out to dry. Not only that, what lady in their right mind would want to go out with a 30 year old virgin with absolutely zero relationship experience? Be honest... I could have probably just about got away with this five or six years ago with embarrassment. Now? It's a serious black mark against me.

I'm almost certain I will be 'calling it a day' before the end of this year and simply accepting I'm going to be single throughout my lifetime. I'm tired of trying the best I can and I'm tired of tricking myself to the possibility of something happening when in reality, nothing ever does.


----------



## running man

I got my first girlfriend at 32.
She is 26. I'm her first boyfriend.

How we met / got together.... I got drunk at a work party and text her the words !!!! "Can I kiss you?" Luckily for me she wasn't turned off by this.

I am an anomaly I guess. But we now live together. 
Been an item for nearly 9 months. It's not easy but I'm happier than I was as a 'forever alone.'

I still have my anxiety, depression and OCD.


----------



## The Sleeping Dragon

running man said:


> I got my first girlfriend at 32.
> She is 26. I'm her first boyfriend.
> 
> How we met / got together.... I got drunk at a work party and text her the words !!!! "Can I kiss you?" Luckily for me she wasn't turned off by this.
> 
> I am an anomaly I guess. But we now live together.
> Been an item for nearly 9 months. It's not easy but I'm happier than I was as a 'forever alone.'
> 
> I still have my anxiety, depression and OCD.


There is still hope. Good to know. Though I realize it will not solve my problems. Wish I didn't had to feel like a 'forever alone guy'.


----------



## AngelClare

Just Here said:


> I'm just wonder how much your time you spend trying to find girlfriends. Do you keep your head in a buckets? Are you to picky about the girls you would like to date? Do you shower and keep yourself clean? I just don't get it there are lot of ways to meet people. Some of this has to do with SA but at 33 years and no date. Your not trying hard enough. Just my opinion.


It sounds insensitive but there is a lot of truth here.

Even good looking guys who get a lot of women often put in a lot of effort. The spend money on nice clothes, a nice car, they work out and they ask a lot of women out. Some guys who are average or below average looking do absolutely nothing and wonder why they don't have a girlfriend.

You actually have to put in work.


----------



## AngelClare

lyricalillusions said:


> I'm 32, gay, and never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed or had sex. Hopefully someday.


Have you ever been to a gay bar? I have some lesbian friends and they just go to bars and meet people. That's how it's done.


----------



## millenniumman75

Agricola said:


> This is good advice. You really have to be OK with yourself and not allow other people to determine how you feel about yourself. Society is weird; look at all the messed up celebrities that are held up as the most interesting people in the world.
> 
> It is also true that rejection is not necessarily a bad thing. In most cases it probably means the relationship would not have worked out anyway, so no loss really.


This is correct - don't let ANYONE pressure you into getting into a relationship - or having sex - if you feel you are clearly not ready.

I would take INTEGRITY over a "loose cannon" anyday.

I don't want to see new threads about "I am going on the Maury show to have a paternity test after my fling with Misty Raine!"


----------



## chompers

A lot of people, even those with some experience, are self-conscious about their looks, body, sexual "talent" or level of experience.

For all those that think inexperience makes them inherently undesireable, I'd say you can compensate for that. Everyone likes different stuff, and communication with a partner is really important. If someone is very experienced, but they don't listen to their partners needs or communicate their own needs, the experience is irrelevant. 

In other words, experience isn't everything. And it intimidates a lot of people who don't have a lot of their own. There are many people out there who'll be willing to work with you if you are honest, open, caring and willing to communicate


----------



## ocelot81

I'm in the same boat as many others in this thread, so I don't have much else to add other than 'hey +1'. 

I have recently made a few friends where I work, including a couple girls. One is actually high on my 'best friends ever' list and although we've had a couple 'encounters' and she knows I have a crush on her, it won't go anywhere. I can honestly say I love our friendship though, as I really haven't had female perspectives on things or really even conversed much with girls over the years. 

I had a chance with another girl in our close circle and, because I'm too picky and simply lack self-worth, decided to basically break her heart and turn her down. It felt terrible but I'm just not interested in her like that. I have yet another co-worker interested but...no.

I've had more issues, feelings and friendship/romantic oddities happen to me in the past few weeks than in my previous 33+ years, except for a couple of tiny moments. 

I'm just not sure an intimate, honest 1-on-1 relationship is in my future either. I'm too used to myself, my own thoughts, and not really caring much about others and their interests or thoughts at least for extended periods of time. I do care about people, and have improved on many things, listening, sympathizing etc. but I'm not sure I'll ever crest that last wave so to speak. 

Still, the friendships I have made lately make things a lot better, especially on the opposite gender side. It may not last real long but I am thankful. 

Girls -_-


----------



## minimized

Ugh, I have so much to look forward to. As I'm getting there. Inevitably...


----------



## hypestyle

Nightwisher said:


> Anyone else in a similar situation? I am 31, and never had a girlfriend...as in never had a girl who was attracted to me, never held hands with me and never made love and everything else most people do by age 21.
> 
> I have been on a couple of "dates" with girls from work, but it never amounted to anything and I realize now it was "just being friends".
> 
> I have had "almost friends", as in acquaintances who I would hang out with from activities (believe it or not, Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to meet people) but never had anything close to a girlfriend. And I'm 31!
> 
> I feel like it's too late at this point. Younger women will want nothing to do with me and older women are too experienced and will find me childish. At the same time I realize it is all but impossible for me to find someone, I really do want someone...
> 
> And I feel like a failure too. 31, and no girlfriend, no career really (work in a restaurant) no degree, only recently moved out of my parent's house, and I'm over 30. When people bring it up I just lie and say I had a girlfriend a year ago and quickly change the subject, because if they found out I was 31 and never had a girlfriend I think they would assume I'm a psycho with prostitutes buried under my backyard and a dog that talks to me.
> 
> Anyone else in a similar situation?...and has anyone started dating WAY later in life and had success?


Just wishing you well from afar. I'm 41 and I still haven't found my way to dating yet, nor a lucrative (stable) career path, despite finishing college a few years ago. My anxiety/depression combined with financial woes has ruined any recent opportunities to relocate. I really need my own place. My own apartment would do wonders for a sense of true independence and living under my own values. I'd feel at least nominally comfortable approaching women, since I wouldn't have to somehow defend living with a parent at this point in my life.


----------



## IcedOver

Almost the only thing that's making me want to "try" with women is my age -- 39. It'd be nice actually to have some experience in my 30s (i.e., I'm a virgin), even though it's just a number as they say. However, I'm finding that I just don't care. I'm looking for some very specific things, and my failure to find someone over the past couple years has, rightly or wrongly, colored my perception of all interactions with women. It's been flake after flake, failure after failure.


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## HowToOvercome

I can't say I'm at the age of 30, because I'm 25, but I know and understand how difficult it can be. To anyone reading this and who is feeling that life is hopeless, trust me, it will get better. You have to fight. I know as well as anyone on here just how hard fighting can be with severe anxiety, but you can't throw in the towel. I've been down the alley of lying about girlfriends, a social life, etc. I've felt the severe social anxiety, to where it's hard to even walk into a store without shaking. But believe me, fight. And if you take God seriously, hold that close. I had finally forced myself to see a psychiatrist, then a psychologist, then numerous doctors. It was hell. But then one doctor, who I am so thankful for put me on clonazepam, and that drug gave me my life back. At first it was still an immense struggle, and I still struggle, but as I fought overtime, I finally was able to breath a breeze of life again. And then I eased back into dating, normally starting at bars to ease the tension. And now, I have a wonderful girl whom I love. And I'm not saying that to state I have accomplished something some haven't, I'm saying that to tell people that there is hope. Fighting is key. You have to. Otherwise you will lose.


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## hypestyle

HowToOvercome said:


> I can't say I'm at the age of 30, because I'm 25, but I know and understand how difficult it can be. To anyone reading this and who is feeling that life is hopeless, trust me, it will get better. You have to fight. I know as well as anyone on here just how hard fighting can be with severe anxiety, but you can't throw in the towel. I've been down the alley of lying about girlfriends, a social life, etc. I've felt the severe social anxiety, to where it's hard to even walk into a store without shaking. But believe me, fight. And if you take God seriously, hold that close. I had finally forced myself to see a psychiatrist, then a psychologist, then numerous doctors. It was hell. But then one doctor, who I am so thankful for put me on clonazepam, and that drug gave me my life back. At first it was still an immense struggle, and I still struggle, but as I fought overtime, I finally was able to breath a breeze of life again. And then I eased back into dating, normally starting at bars to ease the tension. And now, I have a wonderful girl whom I love. And I'm not saying that to state I have accomplished something some haven't, I'm saying that to tell people that there is hope. Fighting is key. You have to. Otherwise you will lose.


how was approaching therapy, in the beginning? I've had some introductory "assessment" sessions, but because I'm dealing with a university that is on summer break, I've been put on hold to have a therapist for regular sessions until September.. :frown2:


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## Mongoose

HowToOvercome said:


> I can't say I'm at the age of 30, because I'm 25, but I know and understand how difficult it can be. To anyone reading this and who is feeling that life is hopeless, trust me, it will get better.


Normals think anyone over 25 who has never had a girlfriend or is a virgin is a loser. So I don't trust you that it will get better.


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## forex

Nightwisher said:


> Anyone else in a similar situation? I am 31, and never had a girlfriend...as in never had a girl who was attracted to me, never held hands with me and never made love and everything else most people do by age 21.
> 
> I have been on a couple of "dates" with girls from work, but it never amounted to anything and I realize now it was "just being friends".
> 
> I have had "almost friends", as in acquaintances who I would hang out with from activities (believe it or not, Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to meet people) but never had anything close to a girlfriend. And I'm 31!
> 
> I feel like it's too late at this point. Younger women will want nothing to do with me and older women are too experienced and will find me childish. At the same time I realize it is all but impossible for me to find someone, I really do want someone...
> 
> And I feel like a failure too. 31, and no girlfriend, no career really (work in a restaurant) no degree, only recently moved out of my parent's house, and I'm over 30. When people bring it up I just lie and say I had a girlfriend a year ago and quickly change the subject, because if they found out I was 31 and never had a girlfriend I think they would assume I'm a psycho with prostitutes buried under my backyard and a dog that talks to me.
> 
> Anyone else in a similar situation?...and has anyone started dating WAY later in life and had success?


same here , nothing but porn on my side.
at least you hade some dates , nice :wink2:
i dont even have female friends.


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## gumballhead

I just turned 23, and for the past couple of years, the prospect of aging and still being the same type of person I was in my teens is really haunting me. I realize 23 isn't old by anyone's standards, but the fact that I still am too shy to use a phone, drive to unknown places, or talk to women is bothersome. I've always procrastinated, and, when I was younger, I'd always figure, "Hey, my future self will have it all figured out" and then not even try to fix any of my issues. Now I see the error of that way of thinking, but it hasn't made me be more outgoing or anything. Yes, I'm a virgin, but I can proudly say I have at one point in my life, had a girlfriend. As a sophomore in High School, I dated a girl off and on for a couple months. We held hands and I kissed her a couple times, but that's as far as I've ever gotten. I'm glad I'm not still with her. Today, she's gotten obese and ugly, and lives in a trailer with a fat guy. They have a kid. I had a couple other semi girlfriends, but they drifted away from me when I became too timid to make a move on them. I know I'm not 30 yet, but I feel it, and I'm almost certain I'll still be where I am now when I do hit that age. That's only 7 short years away, and it scares me.


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## CopadoMexicano

im 30 and never had a girlfriend


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## peacelizard

I only had the whole girlfriend thing happen in the past three years or so (33 now) and I can honestly say that while it was a good experience to have, it also opened me up to a lot more pain than I had experienced before. So sometimes the saying "ignorance is bliss" is very true. 

And on top of that, I haven't had any luck with women since then and it's been 6+ months. I still think about her too. It's gotten a lot less but it's never gone away completely


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## The Sleeping Dragon

peacelizard said:


> I only had the whole girlfriend thing happen in the past three years or so (33 now) and I can honestly say that while it was a good experience to have, it also opened me up to a lot more pain than I had experienced before. So sometimes the saying "ignorance is bliss" is very true.
> 
> And on top of that, I haven't had any luck with women since then and it's been 6+ months. I still think about her too. It's gotten a lot less but it's never gone away completely


People say that so often there must be SOME truth to it, even if it's a big misguided to say one is better of never to have been in a relationship.

I wonder sometimes if that's the reason why I look younger than I am. No stress (at least not in that department). Not kidding here. And there is a thread about that. Personal theory.


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## Imbored21

brb in 9 years


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## SuperSaiyanGod

I'm 2 years away from this. Oh happy day. >_>


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## SpiderInTheCorner

I'd like an alternative to girls actually. Maybe a robot that looks like a human. I'd totally date it.


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## Contraries

All of this is just social construction, cultural agreement. There isn't anything inherently bad about your situation. And don't give me the 'primal instinct' argument, that's bull**** that hasn't applied for hundreds of years.

I learned more about relationships when not in a relationship than in them. Most of my interactions with girls were in the teens and early 20s, but it's so long ago that it might as well not have happened at all. There isn't any 'right way' of doing things in a relationship. There are morons who have been in dozens of relationships and still don't know anything about them. So, 'experience' is an utmost relative term.

I obsessed about this a few years back, and nothing I did worked. Now, however, when I finally don't give a ****, I get a lot of attention from women. Everyone wants what they can't have, and seniority is a great tool. You have to play it as "I'm better than you, so you can't have me," especially when dealing with people who are younger.

If someone asks you, say that you've had a few relationships and even more 'one night stands'. If you're a virgin, just omit the last part, because that's the only lie that they can unveil.


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## peacelizard

The Sleeping Dragon said:


> People say that so often there must be SOME truth to it, even if it's a big misguided to say one is better of never to have been in a relationship.
> 
> I wonder sometimes if that's the reason why I look younger than I am. No stress (at least not in that department). Not kidding here. And there is a thread about that. Personal theory.


I try really hard not to regret experiences, both because they're unchangeable and they make you who you are, but this particular one aged me some. Had quite a few firsts, not all good. I'll let you imagine what those might be.

It depends on the day and my mood that day. Some days, I think back with nostalgia and smirk; other days, I think "Huh. So this is what it feels like to be stabbed."

You can't have the pleasure without the pain, just as you can feel immortal and beg for death.

I don't know if these things are common to all relationships or just mine because I fell in love with someone who has cluster b traits lol


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## EMPx

People seem to forget yet another important factor. You can fight to get over your anxiety and win like I did. One battle won. Beating anxiety is but one thing. 


Speaking purely facts, figures and logically. If your not an attractive person you stand little or no chance of dating a woman you actually like. I've seen all too many people settle for a person their not remotely attracted to. They end up disgruntled and unhappy in the end. Not for me.


To feed someone false hope is not right. 


For those of you who are attractive and you beat your anxiety your options are open to love and much more. 


Social anxiety can be beaten though and you can live a more normal and happy life. That in it self was enough for me. I used to be a nervous wreck that wouldn't go anywhere. Now I'm confident and face the world. If I can do it so can you.


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## SA go0n

EMPx said:


> Speaking purely facts, figures and logically. If your not an attractive person you stand little or no chance of dating a woman you actually like. I've seen all too many people settle for a person their not remotely attracted to. They end up disgruntled and unhappy in the end. Not for me.


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## peacelizard

EMPx said:


> People seem to forget yet another important factor. You can fight to get over your anxiety and win like I did. One battle won. Beating anxiety is but one thing.
> 
> Speaking purely facts, figures and logically. If your not an attractive person you stand little or no chance of dating a woman you actually like. I've seen all too many people settle for a person their not remotely attracted to. They end up disgruntled and unhappy in the end. Not for me.
> 
> To feed someone false hope is not right.
> 
> For those of you who are attractive and you beat your anxiety your options are open to love and much more.
> 
> Social anxiety can be beaten though and you can live a more normal and happy life. That in it self was enough for me. I used to be a nervous wreck that wouldn't go anywhere. Now I'm confident and face the world. If I can do it so can you.


I don't buy that completely. Looks are a part of the solution. I don't think many people are delusional enough to deny that. But things like confidence and humor help. A good friend of mine isn't a good looking guy (especially after he got hit in the mouth with a beer bottle and broke four of his front teeth), but he's confident and has a way with words. And before you go there: he doesn't have money either.

Now, telling a socially anxious person to be confident in front of women and become a master of language is pretty much ridiculous. I mean, I might as well ask him to **** gold bricks while he's at it. But that's at the start. As with anything, it takes time and practice but it is attainable.

Also, I think the picture you paint is way too black and white. I mean, seriously. If you don't fit within the lines of some idea of beauty (which is culture specific, btw), then you're gonna have to settle or throw yourself off the closest bridge?

I agree we shouldn't be spoon feeding each other bull****, but this place is supposed to be supportive, no? And how supportive is this Dante's "Abandon all how, ye who enter here" picture that you paint?


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## EMPx

I'm a realist. There's being supportive and then there's lying to prevent from hurting other peoples feelings.


People are tough they can over come insignificant trivial's such as relationships. 


As for SA this can be beaten. Fact. 


Do you want the truth? or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear? 


I'm blunt, open and honest.


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