# Is it possible to be single and happy?



## Spazcol (Oct 14, 2006)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 25 and haven't been with a girl in 5 years and only had 2 girlfriends in my life.

I often think if I had the choice 'turn off' the part of me that yearns for companionship would I do it? I mean if it meant the difference between being happy but alone or unhappy and living with the hope of finding someone.

Can it be done? Should it be done? Should people who struggle with relationships just give up and concentrate on making themselves happy as best they can?


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## itsmemaggi (Sep 26, 2005)

I believe it can be done. I'm not sure I'm one of those people, however. My goal is to be like that, but I crave companionship of that kind so much (I have since I before I can remember, believe it or not), that I don't know how my life could ever feel "complete" without a spouse/family.

xoxo
Maggi


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

If you're using phrases like "turn off that part of me" I'm guessing no, but I'm sure some people can. Of course you can get by without one but the truth is most people come to want relationships at some point or another. That's why people put themselves out there despite the chances they will more than likely get heartbroken. They decide it's worth the risk I guess.


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## Christian (Oct 5, 2006)

Yes!
I have often thought about becoming a preist or a monk, not because of SA, but because our lives require *relationships* (which can mean a number of things), not romance.


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

Spazcol said:


> I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 25 and haven't been with a girl in 5 years and only had 2 girlfriends in my life.


To be honest im pretty tired of the "i have only had..." most people i know have had 1 or 2 GFs and i think that is normal, they are also "normal" people without anxiety and **** like that.

If someone with anxiety problems has been able to have one GF they are lucky.

I've been single all my life and sometimes i'm happy but most of the time can't really say that i am but i don't know if it's because i'm single or not :con


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## redkit (Mar 14, 2006)

I am alone and very happy. 
Women makes me depressed.


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## el33 (Sep 18, 2006)

I'm perfectly content in my singleness when I'm alone at home. Or in the company of other male friends.

Only when I'm exposed to the company of women and couples do I get the feeling of longing for companionship.

And yes, if I could, I would most definitely "turn off" that part of my human nature that controls this longing.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

To live a happy life as a single,I think it can be done but I don't think a whole lifetime as a single is a good life..But to live happy as a single in periods that I think can be done.
I'm single and I feel quite ok with it now..
Everybody wants to meet someone,but maybe you should give it some time.You are still young and you do have a lot of time finding someone  

And I agree with the person above me who wrote that the number of girl- or boyfriends is not the important thing..
It seems that it is important to people that they haven't been with many enough..I think that to find someone is the more important thing..


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## Tommy1 (Sep 26, 2006)

I think I would be happy if not for the SA. Being single is not so bad, just the fear that it will never change. Maybe it is easier when you don't know what you are missing


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## IndigoGirl (Aug 13, 2006)

I think it's possible, but it's innate for people to desire companionship at some point. I don't think I'll ever want to be completely alone, though I like having noone to impress, sort of. I will just fill my time with things that will keep my mind off it.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I've been single my whole life. Its not what I want but I'm trying to accept it. I don't know if I will ever be completely happy and at peace this way. I don't want to depend on another person for my happiness, but I think it would make life much more enjoyable if I had someone to share it with.


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

Happiness is possible, you just have to find it in yourself. I had an English teacher in high school who was 47 years old, and she's never been married and never had kids. I imagine she must have dealt with issues of lonliness at times, but she made her life work out for her. She had a great passion for teaching and she loved her students very much. The students loved her too. She was an active person who went swimming and diving. I remember she was a big fan of Oprah Winfrey, and even got tickets to be in the audience one day. Also, my teacher had a movie star crush on Keanu Reeves, and one year, a student gave her a Keanu Reeves poster as a birthday gift. She was a fun lady.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Of course it's possible. You have to be happy with yourself first, so I've been told. That's the main goal, to love myself and feel complete on my own. If a great guy comes along, fine, but I don't feel like I need someone.


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## jerzeyb (Nov 19, 2005)

it can only be possible, if you decide being alone is what you want. if being 'with someone' is important to you(maybe the most important thing to you), then it is unlikely that you would ever be happy by yourself. it's all a matter of how you perceive being single.


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## Skroderider (Oct 4, 2006)

Well, of course for some people it might be possible to be single and happy, why not? But if you're asking this question, then you'll probably won't be happy alone. You might be able to _convince_ yourself that you are happy, which is IMHO another thing completely.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

It's not possible for me. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and I felt absolutely horrible. I was never alone and empty. I was in deep depression for a week after, I didn't talk to anyone. 

I can't get a GF (I'm not established enough to offer a productive 30 something woman what she wants) so I would try to brainwash myself into thinking that being single was my choice, and I was happy with that. I was wrong, not having a GF/companion is bothering me the most. Not my SA.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Single and Happy: Yes.
Lonely and Happy: No.


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## green and lonely (May 29, 2006)

Johnny_Genome said:


> Single and Happy: Yes.
> Lonely and Happy: No.


 :agree Well said.

I can't speak for anyone else, but it's definitely not possible for me. Day by day I try to convince myself that I don't mind it or that I really enjoy not having the responsibilities that come along with a relationship...but in truth, my life feels so empty and meaningless. Trying to delude yourself into thinking everything's OK just so that you can function well enough to go in to work every day is _not_ a happy existence. And even when I think I've fooled myself into thinking I'm all right for the moment, I can't help but be utterly terrified by the future.


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## Thumbelina (Sep 5, 2005)

Well, being in a relationship, even a relationship that's as good as relationships get, isn't a guarantee against unhappiness either. My husband is wonderful and I'm very happy with him, and it's great that I don't feel under pressure to find one anymore, but being with him hasn't solved my problems with anxiety, insecurity etc the way I thought they would ... because those are problems within ME.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Hopefully over the years my desire to with someone will have faded more than it already has. My estimate is age 31. 7 more years.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

moejo said:


> It's not possible for me. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and I felt absolutely horrible. I was never alone and empty. I was in deep depression for a week after, I didn't talk to anyone.
> 
> I can't get a GF (I'm not established enough to offer a productive 30 something woman what she wants) so I would try to brainwash myself into thinking that being single was my choice, and I was happy with that. I was wrong, not having a GF/companion is bothering me the most. Not my SA.


Im in the same boat. I cant imagine any woman being interested in me at all. But when I talked to my doc the other day she asked

"So when was the last time you had a girlfriend"

"I dunno, I think they were just starting to come out with colour t.v I think"

[giggle and laughter]

"Do you ever ask a woman on a date"

"What would I have to offer anybody...I mean I have no real life"

Then she just said "Thats the depression talking", and proceeded to tell me that my psych will help me with that...etc etc.

I told her that at work I can speak to female work colleagues, have a joke and a laugh no problem, and they cant quite figure out why im single...theyve commented about it...but I dont go anywhere to meet woman these days, and I cant bring myself to understand why a woman would bother with me in the first place.

I agree with you, not having a G/F or at least intimate relationships with woman bothers me far more than my SA ever will. I think about it all the time....


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

Carbon Breather said:


> Spazcol said:
> 
> 
> > I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 25 and haven't been with a girl in 5 years and only had 2 girlfriends in my life.
> ...


I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has been feeling like this lately towards SA people and their present + past relationships.


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## el33 (Sep 18, 2006)

> I told her that at work I can speak to female work colleagues, have a joke and a laugh no problem, and they cant quite figure out why im single...theyve commented about it...but I dont go anywhere to meet woman these days, and I cant bring myself to understand why a woman would bother with me in the first place.


The next time a girl of my age range genuinely asks me why I don't have a girlfriend, and/or why I've never had a girlfriend, I want to respond "For the same reason you wouldn't want to be my girlfriend."

I forget where I got that line, but I really want to try it out and see the responses I get. At the very least it ought to be a conversation starter.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

el33 said:


> > I told her that at work I can speak to female work colleagues, have a joke and a laugh no problem, and they cant quite figure out why im single...theyve commented about it...but I dont go anywhere to meet woman these days, and I cant bring myself to understand why a woman would bother with me in the first place.
> 
> 
> The next time a girl of my age range genuinely asks me why I don't have a girlfriend, and/or why I've never had a girlfriend, I want to respond "For the same reason you wouldn't want to be my girlfriend."
> ...


HAHA! Mmm you might be onto something here. Unfortunately in the situation I described above, the woman in question had long term boyfriends...so no hope for me there.

But ya im definately going to try that line myself. Nice one 

What do you think there response would be?

"Why wouldnt I want to be your girlfriend?"...or would they just go silent. I guess it depends on how keen they are.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I could never have a relationship and be happy. Of course, I would have to start binge drinking and take lots and lots of drugs. I'm too much of a nerd to do either of those things. Well, the 12 David Hasselhoff blow up dolls I'll probably buy out of despiration and I will live mildly satisfied.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

> not having a G/F or at least intimate relationships with woman bothers me far more than my SA ever will. I think about it all the time....


:ditto
I can live with the anxiety. I go places alone, I have held down a full time job for close to 12 years, and I can function fairly normal in the world despite my severe shyness, low confidence and ongoing anxiety problems. I don't expect a relationship to turn my life around and make me a different person and I'm also well aware that its not healthy to depend on another person to bring me happiness. But I'm very, very lonely and I feel a strong desire for companionship and intimacy with another person. That alone is the most cruel part of this disorder and is by far the most troublesome for me. Its like a life sentence with no parole, I'm locked away in this world of lonliness with no hope in sight :sigh


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

Lonelyguy said:


> > not having a G/F or at least intimate relationships with woman bothers me far more than my SA ever will. I think about it all the time....
> 
> 
> :ditto
> I can live with the anxiety. I go places alone, I have held down a full time job for close to 12 years, and I can function fairly normal in the world despite my severe shyness, low confidence and ongoing anxiety problems. I don't expect a relationship to turn my life around and make me a different person and I'm also well aware that its not healthy to depend on another person to bring me happiness. But I'm very, very lonely and I feel a strong desire for companionship and intimacy with another person. That alone is the most cruel part of this disorder and is by far the most troublesome for me. Its like a life sentence with no parole, I'm locked away in this world of lonliness with no hope in sight :sigh


Thats EXACTLY where Im at as well. I can go places alone without too much trouble, ive held jobs for 5 years or more, and I can also function reasonably well in day to day life I guess, when I do actually venture outside my 4 walls  What I really need is a companion and intimacy, and like you, without that I feel like there is little point, and I might as well lock myself away and fade to black.

Talk about 2 peas in a pod  Unfortunately mate it doesnt make it easier for either of us does it.. :lol


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

el33 said:


> The next time a girl of my age range genuinely asks me why I don't have a girlfriend, and/or why I've never had a girlfriend, I want to respond "For the same reason you wouldn't want to be my girlfriend."
> 
> I forget where I got that line, but I really want to try it out and see the responses I get. At the very least it ought to be a conversation starter.


That's an excellent line. It really puts the ball in their court.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

I won't be happy as long as I'm single. 

My ultimate dream in life is to raise a successful family. I can't do that without the woman of my dreams.


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## Spazcol (Oct 14, 2006)

The reason I asked this question is because I feel this is the biggest obstacle I have dealing with SA. The problem I have is that I yearn for companionship yet keep everyone at arms length. 

It's particularly frustrating living with a house mate who is very social and goes out partying a lot and brings home a different girl every other week. This only fuels my self hate as it is my own aloofness that avoid social situations and dealing with the opposite sex. 

It's such a game of opposites. I want companionship but when someone is clearly interested in me I self sabotage so it doesn't happen. Anyone else experience this?


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## copper (Nov 10, 2003)

I pretty much gave up having any kind of relationship with anyone. I just am going to focus on improving myself at my job, and expanding my mind. Being single gives me lots of time to learn how to do different things. No woman would want me after finding out I never had any relationship with others. It is a big turn off for them. Most people would say that I am too negative, but at least I am not lying to myself.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

^ I can feel myself giving up too. No women would want me either, except for a meal ticket maybe. This is the source of my depression. Not SA. When I go out, everyone has a partner and I can't take it anymore.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

moejo said:


> ^ I can feel myself giving up too. No women would want me either, except for a meal ticket maybe. This is the source of my depression. Not SA. When I go out, everyone has a partner and I can't take it anymore.


I know, it really gets to me now, but you know if we completely give up and turn around at 60 with nobody...how are we going to feel then? I think we really need to force ourselves to get out there as much as possible, finding any little excuse we can.



copper said:


> I pretty much gave up having any kind of relationship with anyone. I just am going to focus on improving myself at my job, and expanding my mind. Being single gives me lots of time to learn how to do different things. No woman would want me after finding out I never had any relationship with others. It is a big turn off for them. Most people would say that I am too negative, but at least I am not lying to myself.


Unfortunately for me its the lack of a partner thats preventing me from getting motivated and inspired to do other things in my life, improve my career prospects, get fit etc...Ive hit a brick wall. I suspect its the same for a lot of people out there.


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## el33 (Sep 18, 2006)

It's a catch22.

You need to get out to meet women. But going out and seeing other people in happy relationships and knowing that the same can only happen for you after extreme and unusual effort - and even then with no guarantees - is soul crushing so you want to go back into your hole and never come out.


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