# Anyone else purposely sabotage their friendships?



## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

One of the primary symptoms of a person with borderline personality disorder is "a history of alienating everyone around them, and/or constantly alternating between idealizing and devaluing people in their lives." With the most recent person I lashed out at, it wasn't because he had done anything wrong - more like the fact that he hadn't actually done anything at all. For some reason, I don't feel guilty about my actions - I don't feel like there is any other way I could have handled the situation, although it does make me feel sad that I resorted to taking out all my internal anger on him. He is not the first person who I have treated as an outlet for my anger, and I am afraid he may not be the last.

Among other things, I called him a 'spoiled man-child,' 'selfish *****,' 'illogical,' 'the biggest flake of all,' and I also told him that I wished he'd kill himself just yesterday. Bear in mind this was all through texting, and I haven't even seen him in person at all since the last time I visited him and his roommate's house. I guess I only became impatient with him in the first place because I felt that he had given me a false impression of caring about me. I guess he does care, or at least used to, but only in a passive/distant way, like how you would care about an article on a missing child in the paper. He wouldn't admit that, and simply kept accusing me of being 'delusional' and making up a story about him and the way everyone else thinks when it comes to social interactions, and even tried to convince me that my social anxiety factored into my skewed perceptions of people. It got to a point where his idiotic and senseless defenses just made me far more angry than I had been to begin with, and I consequently derailed into the slew of petty insults that followed.

I can't help feeling this way about him in particular because at the very least, everyone else who didn't really care about me has rejected me upfront. I guess he doesn't really think when he makes statements and assumes that I would interpret them in the same way he does. He later told me that "just because I wish you well and bear no ill will towards you, doesn't mean that I am obligated to fulfill any of your expectations of me," as well as "Do you think I owe you my time?" Well, how can you possibly ask a question like that and then go on to say that you genuinely care about a person?? I tried telling him he was illogical and a waste of time to reason with, and the only thing he would respond with was that he wouldn't respond to me again unless I was being "pleasant," or the next time I saw him in person (which makes no sense because I never said I was going to randomly drop in on them again, so how can he say that there would be a "next time"?).

I know he isn't a bad person at heart, but there are so many other reasons to resent him for that I won't get into now, because this post has already gone on too long.


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## WhoAmISupposedToBe (Jun 21, 2013)

I know exactly what you mean I do this in friendships or any kind of relationship with guys. Maybe I'm so ****ed up that eveytime Im kind of happy I mess it up by saying the wrong thing :/


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

I know I went way overboard with some of those messages, but I feel like it doesn't make any difference in the end, the outcome would have been exactly the same regardless of whether I chose to message him in the first place.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Living with BPD is really pure hell. I was just diagnosed with it last year. I'm still learning about what it involves for me specifically, but I can def identify with alienating and idealizing/devaluing. It scares me to think that I do these things without even thinking about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I have a long way to go I think before I even start making any kind of progress therapy-wise. Anyway, I can understand why you texted what you did, and how being in the moment it seems like the only real response that makes sense. Please don't beat yourself up over it too much, that doesn't fix anything anyway. At least you recognize the patterns and the behaviors, and from what I understand that's half the battle.


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Living with BPD is really pure hell. I was just diagnosed with it last year. I'm still learning about what it involves for me specifically, but I can def identify with alienating and idealizing/devaluing. It scares me to think that I do these things without even thinking about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I have a long way to go I think before I even start making any kind of progress therapy-wise. Anyway, I can understand why you texted what you did, and how being in the moment it seems like the only real response that makes sense. Please don't beat yourself up over it too much, that doesn't fix anything anyway. At least you recognize the patterns and the behaviors, and from what I understand that's half the battle.


Thanks for your understanding. I don't really blame myself, I have so much internal anger all the time that people can't really begin to understand and he just made himself an easy target for it, I guess. If I may ask, have you done anything similar in the past?


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## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

thanks so much for this thread.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Earl of Lemongrab said:


> Thanks for your understanding. I don't really blame myself, I have so much internal anger all the time that people can't really begin to understand and he just made himself an easy target for it, I guess. If I may ask, have you done anything similar in the past?


Yeah, I have. I tend to bottle up my anger. And it comes out sometimes in totally inappropriate ways. I don't blow up, but I self-harm. And sometimes the stuff I hold in turns into resentment, and comes out towards that person later instead of when I should have expressed it, and they're probably left wondering what the hell I'm so upset about. The way that I deal with my emotions in general is just reeeeally ****** up, and has been I think since I was a little kid. Probably has a lot to do with abuse I went through as a kid...I was taught that expressing how you feel is not allowed. Trying to relearn what I've known since I was three years old is impossible really. But I'm still going to therapy anyway. How long have you had bpd (or known that you have it)? Are you in therapy?


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Yeah, I have. I tend to bottle up my anger. And it comes out sometimes in totally inappropriate ways. I don't blow up, but I self-harm. And sometimes the stuff I hold in turns into resentment, and comes out towards that person later instead of when I should have expressed it, and they're probably left wondering what the hell I'm so upset about. The way that I deal with my emotions in general is just reeeeally ****** up, and has been I think since I was a little kid. Probably has a lot to do with abuse I went through as a kid...I was taught that expressing how you feel is not allowed. Trying to relearn what I've known since I was three years old is impossible really. But I'm still going to therapy anyway. How long have you had bpd (or known that you have it)? Are you in therapy?


I think my BPD was definitely inherited from my mom and also compounded by abusive environment, like yours. I think I've always known in the back of my head that I definitely have something similar to it, but it wasn't until recently when someone I chat to on this forum mentioned it to me that I realized it definitely describes my past and present behaviour towards people. I am like you in that I had a tendency to hold on to anger for extensive periods of time until it got to a point where I just exploded out of nowhere, causing irreparable damage. I think the waves of destruction caused by this disorder are comparable to that of a hardcore drug addict, if not worse. I'm going in for a psychotherapy session this coming Tuesday, actually, and am pretty positive that I'll receive the diagnosis then.


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## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

TenYears said:


> I was taught that expressing how you feel is not allowed





Earl of Lemongrab said:


> I think my BPD was definitely inherited from my mom and also compounded by abusive environment.


no its your fault stop being a victim


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

inna sense said:


> no its your fault stop being a victim


No it's not, stop being a troll


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## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

Earl of Lemongrab said:


> No it's not, stop being a troll


why am i wrong?...take your time :b


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

inna sense said:


> why am i wrong?...take your time :b


Nah, I wouldn't waste energy trying to argue with a troll.


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## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

Earl of Lemongrab said:


> Nah, I wouldn't waste energy trying to argue with a troll.


ok, let us know how your psychotherapy session went.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

The alienation component of BPD stems from a fear of rejection. I wouldn't say you are purposely sabotaging anything.

Have you considered it as a type of defense mechanism? When people have been neglected, abused, or rejected by friends or boyfriends or family members in their past, they often treat future relationships with a fair amount of distrust and "lashing" out when you feel like he's becoming distant or passive, or could possibly abandon you is a logical behavior for anyone.


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

calichick said:


> The alienation component of BPD stems from a fear of rejection.
> 
> Have you considered it as a type of defense mechanism? When people have been neglected, abused, or rejected by friends or boyfriends in their past, they often treat future relationships with a fair amount of distrust and "lashing" out when you feel like he's becoming distant or passive, or could possibly abandon you is a logical behavior and characteristic of how many normal people react as their experiences in the past have dictated.


It's not necessarily that I feared rejection - I guess you could say I was lucky that he was willing to talk to me again in the first place, but I became resentful of the fact that it seemed like he was "all talk." He has a gf who he seems to treat like a princess while she already has all the social support she needs, and I just felt like I was being treated like second rate garbage in comparison even when I'm already at the bottom of the barrel. I made this other thread about him before I started sending those messages: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...g-to-be-treated-like-second-hand-crap-995369/
I honestly don't think he is a bad person at all, even though he believes I think that about him and took offense to the notion. I think he is just horribly naive and I am easily frustrated with those kinds of people. He always tries to be polite/civil towards me and takes any hint that I am feeling less angry as a positive sign (even though it isn't, just find some of his arguments laughably appalling). It's like trying to reason with a child who really doesn't know any better, but has good intentions all the same - frustrating, and not really worthwhile to continue trying.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

To sum (let me know if anything is incorrect I just glanced over the other thread)

He is one of your only friends
He has a girlfriend
You aren't jealous of that fact
You want him to invest more in your friendship
You care about his academic status

Is that right? 

It's really dangerous to rely on a guy in a relationship for emotional support. You have to understand they're not women, they have a limited capacity to offer in any situation and it's not going to get better as time goes on with the gf.

I would try to make other friends....Good luck on the therapy session though, it might be better to resolve the childhood abuse issues before you transfer those emotions to other people who aren't trained to handle it.


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

calichick said:


> To sum (let me know if anything is incorrect I just glanced over the other thread)
> 
> He is one of your only friends
> He has a girlfriend
> ...


It's a stretch to say that we were "friends" - I hadn't even talked to him at all in 2 years before we made contact again, and at the time I think he expressed interest in developing a friendship with me. His roommate told me that he just doesn't really understand how to communicate with me and feels that I react to his every move with "intense judgment," which destroyed any certainty about how he should act. You are right, I should forget this person and try to meet other people - I had gotten my hopes up way too high for him, and was inevitably disappointed. He isn't any different from anyone else who has rejected me upfront, he's just more defensive about it.
I would like to continue my friendship with the roommate, but I'm afraid he has resolved not to talk to me anymore because of what happened.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

I assumed it was a friendship since the title of the thread =\

He hasn't rejected you, he just doesn't have that emotional capacity to accommodate you with the gf and all.

Any potential girls to befriend in any of your classes? Why just limit yourself to these two guy roommates?


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## Earl of Lemongrab (May 15, 2012)

calichick said:


> I assumed it was a friendship since the title of the thread =\


Well, ok - I guess you could say it was a "potential" friendship.

I've come to terms with the fact that no one can really empathize with me, and it will be impossible for me to hide the fact that I am disappointed in life from other people, which is an instant turnoff for most. I set my hopes really high for this particular person because I thought he was different from all those other people, or at least he had given me that impression. We have a bit of "history" that I haven't gotten into here. Idk, it's hard to explain myself...I am not really the person who sent him all those nasty messages. I think with time, he may be able to see that and give me another chance. I won't count on it, but I won't be disappointed if he doesn't either, because it's obvious that I regret getting back in touch with him in the first place.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

Don't you use this forum EOL? For support?


I wouldn't trust 99% of the people in my life with anything I've said here straight from the heart.

Anyways, I understand the splitting. Either completely infatuated or it's completely over.


Step back from him and don't let that happen. You'll realize that distancing yourself from letting the obsessive tendencies take over your mind can be in fact beneficial. Which is why I'm a huge advocate in investing your emotions not only in one person or thing. I've learned this lesson one too many times in my life and I'm still learning how to control that.


The best way to counteract obsessive behavior is to not rely solely on one person to provide you with everything. You'll be ok.


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## Guigo (Sep 22, 2012)

Earl of Lemongrab said:


> One of the primary symptoms of a person with borderline personality disorder is "a history of alienating everyone around them, and/or constantly alternating between idealizing and devaluing people in their lives." With the most recent person I lashed out at, it wasn't because he had done anything wrong - more like the fact that he hadn't actually done anything at all.
> 
> I guess I only became impatient with him in the first place because I felt that he had given me a false impression of caring about me. I guess he does care...


Thinking back I've sabotaged friendships and relationships many times before with people... the few friends I've had, family members, and my first and only girlfriend. I wonder if I'm a little BPD...

In the quoted post, you described my recent actions towards my current crush.

I didn't go as far as cursing or calling her names but I did tell her I didn't want to see her or talk to her anymore, that I liked her too much and she should give me some time to try and forget her.

She said what I was saying is horrible, that I was making her feel guilty, that she already liked this guy that's why she wouldn't stay with me.

I didn't believe her.. (she said she liked one guy, I knew she was flirting with someone else she met after me)... I started making theories and assumptions as to why she wouldn't give me a chance, asked her what she didn't like about me and told her to be honest and not sorry about telling me something I might not want to hear. (I guess I felt that if I already lost her I shouldn't care about seeming pushy or desperate)

When she held on to her story I told her good-bye and if she wanted to talk to me again not to buII**** about the reason she wouldn't give me a chance.

Right the next day she texted me and asked if I was better... she never stopped talking to me. And me being the dumazz I am replied.
I don't know if I'm glad for this or if I'm starting to hate her.
Is she retaliating for making her feel bad? Does she care about me that much in a friendly way?... I'm confused

She has a crush on my uncle... he doesn't like her though but he is another person I "idealize and devalue", he is 4 years older than me, we work together and I consider him more like a brother than an uncle, but whenever we go out on party together, or when he is talking to his friends I feel a little jealous, envy his social skills and sometimes feel rejected by him.. that's when I leave the party without telling anyone, leaving people wondering what the heck happened to me.

If he tells a joke about me I pretend to laugh and make it seem cool, but if we weren't so close I would probably punch him in the face.

Anyway this post is already too long.. I should probably go see a psychiatrist instead.


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## Guigo (Sep 22, 2012)

calichick said:


> Anyways, I understand the splitting. Either completely infatuated or it's completely over.
> 
> Step back from him and don't let that happen. You're realize that distancing yourself from letting the obsessive tendencies take over your mind can be in fact beneficial. Which is why I'm a huge advocate in investing your emotions not only in one person or thing. I've learned this lesson one too many times in my life and I'm still learning how to control that.
> 
> The best way to counteract obsessive behavior is to not rely solely on one person to provide you with everything. You'll be ok.


I'll admit I hadn't read that before... great advice I guess that's why I wanted to stay away from this girl... maybe I know myself better than I thought.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*Very good thread*

I never cause any trouble. 
This holds fast until today.
Other people do it to me.

I do anything / everything for everyone. √

When the first girlfriend quit, and the next ones
and the first employer and each one ever since,
this leads to a dismal outcome. The trend continues downward, including countless successful blips of girlfriends, more friends and employment.

Nothing lasts. I knew that from the very first rejection. Quite enlightened then. 
Stewpot of bottled misery. No lives lost yet, except mine.
Ridiculous pride of maintaining friendliness. Not easy

Still on an undefined inner project to take action when the time comes. Level head. No reason to harm. The harm comes from people who leave you in the dust


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## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

Especially with my online relationships. A lot of them fell apart. Once with me getting mad at a girl I cared deeply about. Feeling jealous both that she had a life and that she would never really be in mine. That's a bad way to word it. Because she could have been in my life. She didn't live that far away. But I have social anxiety and in real life I'm just... less. Normal people can't understand how much it hurts to be nothing in real life. Genuinely nothing.

One girl I just stopped talking to. Even though she was a perfect angel to me. Maybe I had other reasons at the time... but truthfully it just hurt too much. That in real life I could never make her happy. She'd have given me a chance if we lived close. But I couldn't. I couldn't take more from her knowing I had so little to give. I couldn't see every bit of love she had for me slowly fade away. Later she'd tell me I broke her heart by abandoning her.

I feel bad about everything. At the same time I know I made those choices as a broken person. And I'm still as broken right now. If not much more so.

This is why I sometimes fantasize about death. I don't know how to make anyone's life better. I just make it worse. Including my own life.


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## Justlittleme (Oct 21, 2013)

I did, but I had to in that case. [i'm engaged to someone i love]. I had a good friend, he knows who he is. But lets face it, our fates were funny.......... very very funny. (not really but he gets the joke). I wish him best, sometimes we get lost. He and me got along well but, it was too bizarre for us, we weren't suppose to be what was that, that was something nonexistent.

Our realities aren't that, and life is about balance, he knows it too.

Other then that, people drifted away, we both sabotaged equally. Maybe I can look up to him ... as a light. Like I told him I would.

It's emotional, we cared about each other as friends, but we both know it's not ... yeah.
Too "little".

He knows how blessed we are, I want him to keep faith, he brought it back in my life, I can't show him, he knows how strange it is.

He's not a thorn but just a rose himself. And I understand that I wasn't his first "friend", I hope he realizes he is like me, and is able to move on.

He needs someone to match him though, to fit his life, I did pray for him and he doesn't know but... he's "ahead" of me. Maybe I overreact.

I don't want to get sad, but my other friend, she is my world forever. I will never forget her... she's my guidance and a lot of me. She kept me happy =), I hope atleast I brought her a bit joy, she endured the pain more than me. No I won't forget her, and if I should I will pray for him afar - my ex best friend. haha


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I would never do that for no reason. There is always a reason for me to end it which is that person who has no respect towards me and in the case where they care about their feelings and not mine. That is obviously not a friend.


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## oood (Nov 1, 2012)

A while ago I started ignoring my friends and didn't stop. When I was still friends with them I obsessively envied, criticised and analysed them inside my head while appearing nice and obsequious irl. I don't think I'm capable of being a good friend to anyone..


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

EOL has been permanently banned?

:cry


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## entangled (May 20, 2014)

I was going to say no but looking at my history overall... shh... it.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

failoutboy said:


> Hi CC, I think EOL verbally attacked G so that is why she got PBed.


She was temp banned at first.


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