# Secretly drinking every day at work to hide anxiety



## Dazzer1 (Jul 21, 2008)

Hi every one. 
I have been reading this board for some time now and thought I might start my 1st post here regarding my Social anxiety and how it has interlocked with an alcohol problem. I would love to know of anyone who has had a simular experience with alcohol and Social Anxiety.


I dropped out of college when I was 18 because I just couldn't face doing stand up presentations in front of the class, since then I have worked in Telesales jobs which I got partly because of the fact that I don't have to speak to customers face to face, but having to work among so many other colleagues in all of my jobs have always been quite stressful for me making me unable to make proper sales calls because I knew they were listening which made me anxious.

This leads me to my next point: I feel almost completely free from my anxiety whilst under the influence of alcohol. I sometimes think that this is how other people must feel when they are normal. I have drunk before all my interviews and got the job. 

In My most recent position I drunk every single morning before going in to work, I drunk a small bottle of Vodka mixed with a cheap fruit drink, (I hate spirits but for some reason I was then under the impression that vodka smelt less than any other alcohol) I drunk this in a Starbucks toilet close to my work. It was like a ritual to me and I absolutely hated it, I used to look in the mirror in the toilet every day drinking my disgusting Vodka at 8:30am and think "What the hell have I become that I have to do this to feel normal for a few hours??" But I had to do it because I know what it feels like when I have not drunk walking into work - I can't describe it in words but the anxiety is so intense worrying if someone is going to come and talk to me and looking like an idiot that, and I can't make proper sales calls I.e: can't do my job. It feels like I'm constantly in a life or death situation, seriously.

But it doesn't end there, after 2 -3 hours the alcohol wears off and I can feel the anxiety coming back and lose the confidence to make calls and talk to people so the minute Lunchtime comes I go straight to the pub and drink 3 pints of Stella (5% beer) throughout the lunchtime period (no food because it makes the alcohol last less for the longer in the afternoon) and then in the afternoon the alcohol wears off around 3:00pm - 3:30pm. In this particular job I could sometimes sneak out and get 2 large cans of beer from the local store and quickly drink them in the starbucks toilet near my work and come back, something which I did everyday for the last few months I was at the job and I know I started getting noticed doing it.


But needless to say doing this every day for over a year REALLY wore me down and I hadn't mentioned that when I went out in my free time I had to drink before leaving the house and always end up doing drugs like cocaine and ecstasy at the height of my binges, just more escapes from reality really. My kidneys used to constantly ache and I felt absolutely terrible and started getting the shakes and needing a drink when I woke up just for the journey alone to get me to the starbucks toilets to have my Pre-Work Vodka. My life had become revolved around privately drinking in toilets with a suit on, like a complete slave to alcohol and my Social Anxiety.

Eventually I got sacked from this last job because of my constantly stinking of alcohol and coming in late from being so worn out, (They only let me keep my job for so long because I was always hitting my target for sales but fired me when I stopped performing so well towards the end).


And here I am, I have been off work since January and have stopped drinking by seeing a alcohol therapist and mainly because I no longer have to face social situations like working and going out. But as for my social anxiety which is the real issue, I have been on a waiting list since January to see a therapist because being in the UK and using the NHS, I haven't made any progress at all.

The big problem is that I have to get a job now because I am living with my parents who don't have much money and debt collectors are threatening to come at me left right and centre for my credit cards and loan repayments which I haven't been able to pay since January due to not working, but I am still waiting for treatment for my condition, which if anything has worsened. 

My Doctor has prescribed me Fluoxitine, Citalopram, and Amitrypiline and none of them relieve my anxiety. I am more hopeful of CBT. 

My dielema is whether to start drinking again and go back to work (The anxiety is really that severe that I would have a nervous breakdown in an interview without drinking). Or to wait for my treatment.



I look forward to hearing any responses, and from anyone who has similar problems even if they are not of the same magnitude. Thank you.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Alright, I didn't read all that, but from what I read you have a serious problem.

My advice is to use a benzodiazepine if you can get one. Don't tell your psychiatrist you are an alcoholic and be sure to mention that you have tried pretty much every SSRI there is, even if it's not true. You said you are in the UK, well good luck.

I know you're supposed to be honest with your doctor, but too many doctors are afraid of benzos so the easiest and quickest solution is to lie, sadly.

And if you have an addictive personality, be careful.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Get some benzos like klonopin or valium instead of drinking everyday.


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## heyubigrockstar (Jul 15, 2008)

that's rough, its really good that you're getting treatment though. i would wait for the treatment. if you start drinking again the same thing will happen all over again. and like they said get a benzo, librium is really helping me.


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## Maike (Sep 29, 2004)

personally I think the valium thing is a bad idea!! It's very hard but we have to face our fears and not resort to numbing drugs. I'm sure I'd feel calm on valium but I know it's not the right thing for me and that a highly addictive drug like that is just going to compound problems. It's great that you've stopped drinking though and are on the waiting list for therapy. Are there any jobs you could do that have minimal client interaction or are you looking for another sales job?


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## ThirdEyeGrind (Feb 7, 2006)

I wouldn't start drinking while working again. I know from experience. I use to drink Vodka and go into work all the time and I would feel how I thought I should feel, but one day somehow I drank too much and it was obvious. I did get to keep my job though, somehow. I guess cause I mostly keep my mouth shut and work like a slave.


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## katelyn (Jul 11, 2006)

I used to have a problem with alcohol. I would drink every day at school in the toilets, because alcohol makes me feel normal. It's just as you said Dan, it makes me feel like normal people must feel all the time - able to act spontaneously and free from the constant worrying about what people are thinking etc.

I don't remember anyone noticing my drinking. I certainly never got in trouble with it, although some people in my class knew. It could be that the teachers also knew but didn't want to do anything. Anyway, I only stopped this daily drinking when I left school. I had to stop using alcohol to cure my anxiety after I went to hospital with a stomach problem caused by that.

Now, things have improved for me since that time. I'm on citalopram, and I find it has helped my mood significantly, and also reduced my anxiety. And I also do CBT and mindfulness: using these techniques is sometimes really powerful for me, although it needs a lot of determination.

I really don't recommend going back to work, if that means you will start drinking again. Your health is too important for that. But don't expect too much from your therapist either - I've seen an NHS therapist and she didn't help me, and I think others on this site have had bad experiences with them. I hope it's different for you of course. In my opinion though, doing CBT could be very helpful. There are some excellent posts on this forum about CBT and mindfulness too, together with recommendations of books to use.

Another option (although not ideal) is to look for a less socially-demanding job, drink to get through the interview, then stop again and use other methods to control your anxiety while working. I don't want to recommend this for obvious reasons, but I know from experience that sometimes it really is the only way to get through something as demanding as an interview. Provided you were not discovered of course.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

A combination of meds and CBT are clearly the most effective weapon against SA. Either alone can still work good.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

Noca said:


> Get some benzos like klonopin or valium instead of drinking everyday.


He's in the UK, so he has a snowball's chance in hell of getting benzos, except a tiny script for a couple weeks.

I've often been highly critical of the US DEA and the medical community for promoting benzo-phobia, which I contend only produces more problems than it solves as folks will just drink if they can't get benzos. I feel sorry for the original poster, but he's a perfect example of what I've so often ranted about -- an innocent victim of a very screw-up system.


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## Strategist (May 20, 2008)

Don't wait for NHS, I'm pretty sure there are some books out there that have CBT and other techniques that can be helpful. Try the self-help section of a library or bookstore, and there's always Amazon.com/ebay. Good luck.


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## emeraldoceans (Sep 13, 2006)

Wow Dazzer1000, your story sounds so much like mine. I havent worked now in over 8 years (being unable to hold down a job due to SA) but when i did work, i would frequently use alcohol as a method of coping and getting through difficult situations. One job in particular required me to work on reception 3 mornings a week and out the back the rest of the time. I would drink before going to work just to get through those 4 hrs of having to face people and answer phones in front of a roomful of strangers. I was repulsed and disgusted with myself too but to me that was the only way that i could get through it. At that time i knew nothing of benzos, i now take them on an as needed basis instead of using alcohol as i could see myself headed for serious trouble if i kept that up.

Your right, it really does start to wear you down and does absolutely nothing to help with your anxiety. Please dont start drinking again to get a job. See your doctor and ask for a benzo and CBT is definately a step in the right direction. 

I wish you all the best mate. Wow reading your post brought back alot of memories for me. I feel your pain, i know how you feel :kiss


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## flawless (Aug 2, 2008)

don't bother with Valium they great to start off with gets rid of all of your anxiety and worries. but after a while they will catch up with you.been on Valium myself for 13 years and my social anxiety is worse then ever and Ive lost most of my memory worst mistake of my life.but best of luck which ever rout you decide to go with.


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## KILL__JOY (Jul 30, 2008)

*Man I really feel for you. Im so sorry you have to live like this. In my opinion you REALLY need some kind of benzo(if you can get them). I take xanax, I dont know what I would do without them. :kiss *


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Hi Dan,

terrible situation to be in. :hug 

Can you go on incapacity benefits for SA?
Could you do a tele sales job from home ? (Dunno if there is such a thing)

L.

Edit: a part-time job maybe for the mean time?


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## danielk (Jun 4, 2008)

I'd advise against a benodiazepine at this point. What happens if you're taking them as needed, they don't work (some people even experience paradoxical reactions), and then you turn to the alcohol (which works)? That's a recipe for disaster.

Dual diagnosis needs integrated treatment, and for that you need to be under the care of a specialist.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

danielk said:


> I'd advise against a benodiazepine at this point. What happens if you're taking them as needed, they don't work (some people even experience paradoxical reactions), and then you turn to the alcohol (which works)? That's a recipe for disaster.


Paradoxical reactions are not common -- and when they do happen they are usually in the elderly.

What happens if a benzo does work? The other side of your "what if a benzo doesn't work" coin. Though this is a moot point in his case, being in the UK, the land where benzos are all but banned.


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## danielk (Jun 4, 2008)

UltraShy said:


> What happens if a benzo does work? The other side of your "what if a benzo doesn't work" coin.


I think most doctors want err on the side of caution. That's a good thing.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

danielk said:


> UltraShy said:
> 
> 
> > What happens if a benzo does work? The other side of your "what if a benzo doesn't work" coin.
> ...


Yeah, many docs err on the side of "caution" where caution means making your patient's life a living hell instead of giving them drugs that have some risk.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

instead of alcohol i would self medicated with food


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## danielk (Jun 4, 2008)

UltraShy said:


> Yeah, many docs err on the side of "caution" where caution means making your patient's life a living hell instead of giving them drugs that have some risk.


What I see more often is wanton prescribing practices - an actual lack of forethought and ethical considerations. Pushing you through in order to get to the next patient, and so on.


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## saraeliz (Oct 2, 2008)

I can relate to what your saying. If I have a drink, I think that this must be what "normal people" feel like. It's not fair, and I know that life is not fair, but it's terrible to think that this is what my life will be like. Will it get better or will I be a slave to this anxiety? It's so hard for others to understand how debiliatating this is. I don't know what to do.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Benzos have been a lifesaver for me. Well, sort of. A good friend gave me some and I can feel the difference in social situations. Unfortunately, I don't always know when I am going to be in a situation where I will be nervous. They have helped me be able to make appointments on the phone, go to physical therapy, and even go out on a sort of date (really just went to see a movie with a girl). I still feel kind of nervous, but not nearly as much. My only complaint is the blank sort of feeling they give you. I'd rather feel that then be trembling and blushing. Blushing makes me feel terrible. 

If I wasn't injured, I may even try applying for jobs and going to dreaded interviews.

So many times I have gotten too messed up on alcohol to even enjoy myself. So many times I have said really stupid things. Sometimes I can't even remember things. I like to drink and I am not really ashamed of it. I just think that Klonopin is a much better aide for my anxiety.


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## emeraldoceans (Sep 13, 2006)

BeNice said:


> My only complaint is the blank sort of feeling they give you.


Wow ive never experienced anything like that on benzos. I still feel the same as i always do except im alot calmer


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## AskJeeves (May 25, 2005)

hey dazz!!! i'm in the exact same situation, except i drink before going to university!!

i carry 3 bottles with me in my bag, one bottle of coke, one water bottle with vodka in it (filled halfway) and another bottle which is empty (i use this bottle to mix the vodka and coke in!!)

theres a mcdonalds, like 20 mins away from my university, so every morning/afternoon, i head to the toilets and down the vodka and coke!! after i've finished i brush my teeth and my tongue IN THE ACTUAL TOILET to conceal the smell...then i spray myself with body spray and put a mint in my mouth!

i do it everyday...been doing it for 2 weeks so far!! 

its ridiculous how desperate i've become and i cant even believe it's part of my daily routine!! 

but i will quit eventually...just need to take baby steps i guess!

hope things turn out for the better dazz and good luck with the cbt!!! 

just wanted to post this to let you know that you are not alone!!


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