# Establishing a casual fling



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Okay.

I don't do relationships. I have no desire to be that involved with someone. Having said that, I'd like to have a physical involvement from time to time. I've just experienced a messy situation where I went home with a girl a couple of weeks ago thinking it was a one-night thing only to have her want a relationship with me. Cut to this morning, I'm sitting in her lounge room explaining to her that I don't want to commit to anyone and I leave with her crying on the couch.

I hate doing that sort of thing, I don't want to use people but I'd still like a little something from time to time.

My question to you guys is have any of you successfully established a friends-with-benefits situation with anyone? How soon is too soon to clue people in to exactly what it is you want? I don't want to string people along.

FYI, I'm a bisexual female, if it matters. Any advice on this issue would be appreciated.


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

Hmmm...sex with no strings attached is a pretty messy topic for most people. I would say the best way to go about this is to find the right kind of bar or club in which people just looking for "fun" are hanging out. You also might wanna look for a website that specializes in casual encounters or something of the sort. Overall, I'd say it's better to just be upfront about what you want. That's probably the way to keep the tears to a minimum. I hope that helped. :stu  


Matt


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## Argo (May 1, 2005)

pyramidsong said:


> My question to you guys is have any of you successfully established a friends-with-benefits situation with anyone?


I think those are notorious for never working.



> How soon is too soon to clue people in to exactly what it is you want?


I think you should be upfront with that as soon as possible. Doing anything else could make the other person feel like you were stringing them along. Maybe it would be a little weird to tell them right when you first meet them (unless, like another poster said, it's one of those bars or websites that specialize in that sort of thing) but before it gets physical they ought to know what your intentions are.


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## kaylynn (Oct 28, 2005)

I’m kind of in the same situation. I want a relationship without having a boyfriend. I don’t want to be with someone just looking to casually hook-up with different people. So I guess I want something monogamous, but not long-term committed. But I also want us to be friends and get along and actually like each other. Maybe it comes down to wanting to feel safe with someone, connected. Not having to worry about breaking-up or meeting their friends or hanging out all the time. I don’t think I could ever actually suggest this to a man though. I mean, I can hardly make small talk much less say “hey, would you like to be my friend and, oh, also have sex next Tuesday, you know, if you’re not busy?” Really, I have no idea how you would actually approach this. Especially as a girl. The double-standard makes it more complicated. Yeah, so I guess what I’m saying is I don’t have any advice and I’m totally unhelpful. And my post is a little off topic. You’re welcome in advance........ :|


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## AliBaba (Nov 16, 2005)

So we have two women with social anxiety, looking to have casual sex :yes   But, one lives in Maryland and the other in Australia :roll :roll :no  


Matt


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

kaylynn said:


> I'm kind of in the same situation. I want a relationship without having a boyfriend. I don't want to be with someone just looking to casually hook-up with different people. So I guess I want something monogamous, but not long-term committed. But I also want us to be friends and get along and actually like each other. Maybe it comes down to wanting to feel safe with someone, connected. Not having to worry about breaking-up or meeting their friends or hanging out all the time. I don't think I could ever actually suggest this to a man though. I mean, I can hardly make small talk much less say "hey, would you like to be my friend and, oh, also have sex next Tuesday, you know, if you're not busy?" Really, I have no idea how you would actually approach this. Especially as a girl. The double-standard makes it more complicated. Yeah, so I guess what I'm saying is I don't have any advice and I'm totally unhelpful. And my post is a little off topic. You're welcome in advance........ :|


Nah, it's nice that someone else gets it. In my experience very few women are like this. Or at least admit to it.

AliBaba and Gumaro- :lol

I was actually thinking how nice it would be to have a male lover for a while. Ain't geography a ******?


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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

You just need to keep putting yourself out there. They're out there, trust me- girls looking for one night stands or no-strings attached sex. There are an awful lot of girls out there who simply don't want a relationship, but are interested in sex, esp. sex w/ someone they find attractive on a semi-regular basis- the same kind of thing you're describing. I don't think you did anything wrong. This kind of thing is always difficult. In the past, I've had girls tell me right before um...er, certain things happened, that they can't get involved with anybody right now, and that they hope I understood. The way they said it was polite, but firm and serious. They wanted to let me know that they were down for tonight, but that was it. That I wouldn't see them again after that, and that she is not interested in having a boyfriend or anything like that. So, maybe you can try that. You don't want to say too much, because that would kill the moment, so it's tricky. And you don't want to say it too soon. As long as you say something, there's really nothing wrong with what you are doing. Now, she may be lying, and just saying that she understands, but is actually hoping that this turns into a relationship. But you did try to let her know. With a lot of girls, I don't think you'd have a problem at all. They may be looking for the exact same thing as you. You know you want some, it's out there...now go get some!  Oh, and send the pictures to my email address. :lol


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

You just need to film it, and show me so then I know what you are talking about exactly. 

jk

....[awkward silence]...

anyway...

ummm....yeah I have....but the other person knew it beforehand....basically if you get intimate very quickly with someone, they should know it's not a real "relationship".....and if they don't clue in on it....then....I don't know....just tell them...or mayybe you can tell them beforehand


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## Eraserhead (Sep 23, 2006)

> basically if you get intimate very quickly with someone, they should know it's not a real "relationship"


That seems reasonable. I certainly hope that's the case, anyway. It would make things simple.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

kaylynn said:


> I'm kind of in the same situation. I want a relationship without having a boyfriend. I don't want to be with someone just looking to casually hook-up with different people. So I guess I want something monogamous, but not long-term committed. But I also want us to be friends and get along and actually like each other. Maybe it comes down to wanting to feel safe with someone, connected. Not having to worry about breaking-up or meeting their friends or hanging out all the time. I don't think I could ever actually suggest this to a man though. I mean, I can hardly make small talk much less say "hey, would you like to be my friend and, oh, also have sex next Tuesday, you know, if you're not busy?" Really, I have no idea how you would actually approach this. Especially as a girl. The double-standard makes it more complicated. Yeah, so I guess what I'm saying is I don't have any advice and I'm totally unhelpful. And my post is a little off topic. You're welcome in advance........ :|


It really is about as simple as how you said. I'd say a majority of guys would be interested in this kind of thing with minimal strings attached. The complicated part is where you desire a monogamous relationship at the sametime for the short term. I don't see why you would desire it to be monogamous unless it's for disease control reasons. Also what if the other person wants to break it off 1 month in, would you be hurt? To me it sounds like you desire to control the relationship; you want to determine when it will end. I hope in no way my lingo sounds like I'm trying to slam you because I'm not. I'm just wired differently. I don't see how you can find someone your attracted to create a sexual relationship and yet no get attached to a point where you desire a longterm relationship with them.

The only way I see it working is if you go into the encounter with the mindset that it could last 1 night or it could last 3 months; however long it's lasts is okay with you.


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## loner2389 (Oct 28, 2006)

Well you could easiy find guys to do that with. Hell if you're good looking you could pretty much go up and ask a guy in a bar "Hey wanna go ****?" and 8/10 times they'll say yes.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Strength said:


> You just need to film it, and show me so then I know what you are talking about exactly.
> 
> jk
> 
> ...


:lol


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## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

I suck at the whole dating game (for now getting MAJOR HELP  ) 

Some things that may help.

Know what you want and get better at screening for that kind of person. You already know who you want so you're half way there already =)
Have some questions in mind without being totally blatant and obvious. This way if you find a relationshiper you won't waste your time.

Get at venues where there is an abundance of bisexual women. 

I know one night stands happen a lot. I know that friends with benifits happens a lot. =) I think a big thing has to be with the way you frame it. Just let them know that you had a biatchn time and are out to have fun right now. What does it matter if we are in relationship or not if we enjoy hanging out? 

Some of my buddies juggle girls and they are upfront about it.

Yea I hangout with other girls but what does that matter? Aren't we having a good time right now? Don't you like it when we blah blah blah? Then why are you trying to ruin it? 

Then if they go out and don't happen to get the girl they want at the club Bam hit the phone and they got some cutie pie to fool around with. 

Hope you get that pink abundance you desire


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

It won't work, somebody will end up caring, maybe you.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

"Pink abundance".


*snort*


Heh.


Heh heh.


BWAHAAAAAA!


:haha 


Love it.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

I think its hard having a fling with someone you like/respect. Esp if they like you back, there might be hurt feelings involved. Find someone you can't stand, and who can't stand you, you know in your heart it could never work, but the chemistry is so intense for both of you that you can just act on it freely.


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## soundsgood (Nov 7, 2005)

> I don't want to use people but I'd still like a little something from time to time.


 :agree so just call me! nah, kidding j, hope all is well. peace out homie


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

It's pretty easy for a girl to get laid and with no strings attached that's a guy's dream. It really shouldn't be hard to do. Just be upfront about what you want.
The catch is usually in those situations, someone becomes attached. You may end up falling for the guy (or girl)...who knows, but it could definitely happen and it's not fun when feelings get in the way.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Strength said:


> basically if you get intimate very quickly with someone, they should know it's not a real "relationship".....


I don't think so. Some people who become intimate quickly actually develop a relationship. It's best for her to be honest about her intentions.


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## Vincenzo (Sep 24, 2005)

I think the argument that casual arrangements are likely to end painfully is redundant, because the same basically applies to 'real' relationships.

'You totally shouldn't date that girl, the statistical likelihood is that sooner or later one person will decide to end it and you'll have to experience an unpleasant breakup.' It's silly.

Anyway, best of luck in finding someone.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

*Re: re: Establishing a casual fling*



soundsgood said:


> > I don't want to use people but I'd still like a little something from time to time.
> 
> 
> :agree so just call me! nah, kidding j, hope all is well. peace out homie


Cheeky! :lol

Thanks for all the replies, people. 

I've come to the conclusion that I can't really ask for advice on this topic, everyone sees this sort of thing differently. I appreciate all your viewpoints, though.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

A lot of people seem this way. I hate sounding insensitive about it but it seems as though people become 'attached' a little too easily (well from my experience in any case).

When I think about myself and what my life would've been like totally SA free I realise I would've always been more of the 'freelance' type, lol. Sometimes I feel like all I wanted was something physical without all the emotional strings attached, but it seems hard these days to maintain this kind of mind set and to not be hung out to dry by others who do not see it morally acceptable enough. *meh*


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

put a profile on POF. YOu'll get plenty of opportunities.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

The key to FWB is for everyone to be on the same page from the beginning. If you just happen to meet someone then you don't know if that person is dating around for relationships or if they are just looking for a fling also. Just be up front before you go forward and let him or her know that you arent looking for a relationship and you are just looking for fun. Just be prepared that people looking for a relationship may leave at that point. You just have to keep looking until you find someone that is ok with it.

Being bi gives you a few more options that straight or gay people don't have. You can be with a man, woman, or both. I know for a fact there are people in each situation that are looking to just have fun just like you are. There are also those looking for a more permanent realtionship so open comunication up from will avoid much of the drama experienced afterwards. But if someone ends up really liking you then they can't help having feelings for you even if the agreement was no relationships but you have no control over that, except to not be so likeable


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## gandalfthegrey (Feb 14, 2010)

one word


escort.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

This is another one of those ancient threads.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Dude, I know- this one's four years old... 

I'm still facing the same dilemmas, though. *sigh*

It ain't easy being non-monogamous with a conscience in a conservative world, eh?


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I'm curious: how did you get into her pants in the first place?


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

We were drunk and attracted to each other....

It ain't rocket science.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Well, I get drunk at bars/parties and get attracted to girls, but I don't really end up in bed with any of them. Perhaps it's a different game for me because I'm a guy, but I'm just wondering how it was that you two met and how you sort of sealed the deal.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

We were drinking a lot of beer, talking for hours, she kissed me and that was that, I guess... I ended up at her place. To be honest I think it's easier for girls to hook up, generally.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Good luck , ive tried that. Didnt work out for me. I feel either way people are still using each other even if theres an agreement. Just masturbate is my advice lol


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Masturbation is fun, but sometimes you just want the warmth of another body.

Sorry to keep asking, but how was it that you two first stated talking in the first place? Did you approach her or did she approach you and what did you/she say when you/she did?


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

ha! I only wish I could get into these situations with a cute girl..dang it..


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## herb the dolphin (Mar 26, 2010)

I think you can do this by being honest, but I don't think it will last very long. As a general rule, people want to have a genuine connection with other people, and it's hard to do that if you're always having meaningless sex. 

I remember I used to have something like this on the go but then I would see people in my life and think 'wow, I bet it would be possible to have a relationship with that person', but then I couldn't because I was doing this casual thing and it made me feel unworthy. 

At the same time, I think I have a lot of barriers that will prevent me from ever having a real relationship with someone... I think I'm good at caring and being open and such... it's all the day-to-day life situations that I just can't do.


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