# I dream of a shy girl.



## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

That is what I'm missing. I'm sure of it.

I want a girl who I can come home to at night who wants to do nothing but hang out with me. A girl who I can go out with and know that neither of us is going to pressure the other into a situation they don't want to be in.

I also think that if two extremely shy people were together, they'd lose some of that shyness to support the other. I know when I'm around another timid person, I actually feel a lot less pressure and they seem to as well.


The problem with all of this is that it's not exactly easy to find shy girls around my age (22) who are also local. And even if I could, the probability of us being compatible in other ways is unlikely.

She has to be out there, but how in the hell do I find her?


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Shy girls are probably hiding in their houses like the rest of us SAers. 

There are a lot of shy people though. Its a common personality trait, they still are out there. Shyness isn't exactly SA where one has to hide in the house.


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## 2Talkative (Nov 1, 2007)

I think he meant a girl with SA not shy. I quite often catch myself typing shy realizing later it wasn't shyness it was SA.

I think for me this would be the only way to keep up in a relationship most "normal girls" don't want to be bored to death.... and like to go out a lot.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

i had a shy girl. it was great, and we did make eachother less shy enough to go out and do things together now and then.

we're just friends now, which is nice. shy doesn't = perfect, but i would like to find another girl as shy but more compatable.


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## WR1986 (Nov 30, 2009)

What I would do for a shy girl.. They don't have to be SA but it would be nice so we could help each other. Loud girls are usually the ones I bore..


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## SOME (Jul 13, 2009)

shy girls....:love2 Iv'e have seen some really shy girls at my school, they were soo pretty. I really loved the way they dressed, they had self respect, didn't dress like those attention *****s.

I think the best bet in finding a shy girl like you would be...umm there gonna need money soon, so work is a possibility. Also college.


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## TATA (Sep 18, 2008)

why don't we have a sort of match.com forum/topic here? So that people have more probability to meet other shy ones... just a thought


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

I can't think of too many guys who are attracted to loud, extroverted/aggressive women. I know I'm not. Shy girls FTW.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

:yes


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## Phibes (Mar 8, 2009)

I don't think it would be good for yourself or for any future children you may have if things progress. 

A. If she's also shy and would rather stay indoors she'll drag you down too. No chance of survival when you really think about it.

B. Any offspring you may have will have a greater chance of being shy/SA because of both parents carrying the trait. 

Personally, I'd rather be with a girl who isn't super introverted or extroverted. Just someone chillin' in the sweet spot.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

TATA said:


> why don't we have a sort of match.com forum/topic here? So that people have more probability to meet other shy ones... just a thought


I've actually considered starting a dating/matching website for shy and introverted people.

It seems like on these other sites every other profile has the word "extroverted" in it.


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## justpassinby (Oct 21, 2008)

Its essential that our mate understands us. I can say when I was dating, the one thing that broke the deal every time was that I was a shy, reserved, introverted homebody.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Phibes said:


> I don't think it would be good for yourself or for any future children you may have if things progress.
> 
> A. If she's also shy and would rather stay indoors she'll drag you down too. No chance of survival when you really think about it.
> 
> ...


hey!.. shyness and even SA don't ensure those are true. as long as you are both leading a healthy, balanced life or attempt to work on your SA so that it doesn't hold you back in the long run, i don't think it's right to assume they'll be dragged down if they are with a partner with similar problems. 

i think that if a couple is at a point where they have awareness over their SA enough to not let it come in the way of their parenting skills (which can take a long time for some, but it's certainly possible), they can raise a child that doesn't carry or pick up that trait. nothing is wrong with shyness or introversion too! it's just when it becomes so severe that it has a debilitating effect on their life, which isn't true for many shy people out there.

when you are older and 'grown up', there's not much wrong with being a home body as well and preferring to stay in for most evenings.  some people just enjoy that more for various reasons. i think it can just be a bad if you refuse to go out or it becomes an actual fear and negatively affects you mental and/or physical health.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

If there's anything I've learned in my 14 years of social retardation and medication dependency, it's that shyness does not compliment shyness. You will be hard pressed to find someone that feels _exactly_ the same way you do about their social anxiety, has the same triggers, the same activities that are _not _affected by their SA and so on. Furthermore, while the idea of just sitting at home all day wallowing in your cooperative anxieties might sound appealing, it's incredibly unhealthy. Even those of us with the worst borderline agorophobic tendencies need to get out every once in awhile. And which one of you is going to be responsible for getting the other worked up over such adventures?

There are success stories on her for sure. People meeting on SAS and living comfortably with one another. But I promise you that they suffer from the same problems any 'normal' couple does and probably a few unique ones exacerbated by their anxieties. There's nothing more uncomfortable than to use anxiety as an excuse for not wanting to go to a public restaurant on Valentines Day and having your significant other, who suffers the same affliction, look at you, disappointed but required to empathyze.


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## alex999 (Oct 21, 2008)

I like shy girls, but truth be told I'd like someone who is a bit more outgoing than me...I mean not like a loud super extroverted party girl but someone less shy than me. There was this girl I was really into 2 years ago that fit that criteria, quiet but still outgoing. It never worked out but the thought of dating her gave me more motivation to overcome SA. I miss those days....


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Xeros,

The fortunate part is that the girl does not have to be "shy" or socially anxious. Not everyone likes to be social all of the time. It can be tiring. What you really want is something that appreciates you for who you are.


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

Seems to me an introverted gal would be best, & that doesn't necessarily mean she's shy or has SA, rather that she tends to keep to herself most of the time. That's the type of person that would suit me best I think. I wouldn't rule out shyness or SA traits but introversion to me to be the most important of the 3


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

path0gen said:


> If there's anything I've learned in my 14 years of social retardation and medication dependency, it's that shyness does not compliment shyness. You will be hard pressed to find someone that feels _exactly_ the same way you do about their social anxiety, has the same triggers, the same activities that are _not _affected by their SA and so on. Furthermore, while the idea of just sitting at home all day wallowing in your cooperative anxieties might sound appealing, it's incredibly unhealthy. Even those of us with the worst borderline agorophobic tendencies need to get out every once in awhile. And which one of you is going to be responsible for getting the other worked up over such adventures?
> 
> There are success stories on her for sure. People meeting on SAS and living comfortably with one another. But I promise you that they suffer from the same problems any 'normal' couple does and probably a few unique ones exacerbated by their anxieties. There's nothing more uncomfortable than to use anxiety as an excuse for not wanting to go to a public restaurant on Valentines Day and having your significant other, who suffers the same affliction, look at you, disappointed but required to empathyze.


I would think that being in a relationship, being wanted by even one person, and having intimacy and romantic fulfillment, would make both partners stronger and therefore decrease anxiety. Often, our moods change from time to time, so when one partner is feeling adventurous and the other is feeling not so adventurous, one will at least attempt to drag the other out, and if they both understand their problems with SA, the tendency will be combat it, and thus go out. Since there are two of you dragging one another out of the house, chances are, you will be going out more often. And simply having someone to do something with on a Friday night might provide added encouragement.

Personally, I don't have much of a problem going out and making acquaintances through mutual friends, but I do have a problem with initiating romantic relationships. The way I see it, if I were to meet a semi-agoraphobic woman who is better with romantic relationships than I, we would complement each other nicely. I could encourage her to go out more often and introduce her to my friends, and she could teach me tenderness and intimacy. And we might both be happier for it. (And now I'm getting a bit carried away with that fantasy. Sadness.)


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## fern (Nov 16, 2008)

STKinTHEmud said:


> The way I see it, if I were to meet a *semi- agoraphobic *woman who is better with romantic relationships than I, we would complement each other nicely.


Well there's a statement I never thought I'd see.


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## cmed (Oct 17, 2009)

i couldnt really bond with someone who never shuts up and all they want to do is party


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## Kelly065 (Aug 25, 2009)

Most of the really shy girls don't go out much. So your best bet would be to try to meet someone online.


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## destructobox9000 (Dec 5, 2009)

I also dream of a girl like that, then I wake up and realize it will probably never happen, the way my life is going at the moment (or maybe even my entire life up to this point?)


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## secretlyshecries (Sep 10, 2009)

This is kind of interesting to read given I've always felt the same (wanting someone shy/quieter than most) and I'm a girl. After awhile with the guys I see around, I start to think they're all loud and social people but I've known some really nice shy guys so I know this obviously isn't true. I just forget sometimes I suppose.


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

I'm afraid that even shy girls don't like SAers...
sadly, we are all destined to die alone

At least I know I am


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Some Russian Guy said:


> At least I know I am


You don't know anything for certain.


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## leomouse (Dec 1, 2008)

personally, i would not want my partner to be as shy as I am since i'm really trying to improve and i'm hoping to be more outgoing in the future. i don't think i would like the super outgoing insensitive type of guy either but a good guy that is willing to understand and emphasize with my problems. 
one thing i also realized is that two people who are exactly the same won't always be the best match. with my bf, we are quite different from one another but some things connect us and i have some strengths that he doesn't have and he has abilities and personality traits that i wish to attain someday.
i think intreversion can be a very good quality to have as long as it's balanced and the person is happy and is living their life (but not SA or shyness which is just negativity).


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## fluidglide (Mar 1, 2009)

*reply*

the poster of this thread is a very pathetic model of a human male who has no confidence, courage, or will power.

the poster is underdeveloped as a human being. he still thinks like an infant.

if you think your issues or even most of your issues will go away or be solved by being in a relationship, you are wrong.

most guys, if not all guys, want that cute, quiet, shy, somewhat reserved, naturally beautiful (without much makeup), girl next door look, wholesome, sweet, caring, girl for a long term relationship but very few will ever find them.

if you are not in high school or college, you are out of luck because the pickings are just not there. what are the odds that you will find that right girl (with all the qualities you are looking for) in your local supermarket by herself?

girls that you are looking for are already taken by the guys who actually have confidence and can approach girls. all of the girls that you would be interested are already in relationships with guys who there first, who managed to beat you in the game of life and time.

grow up and mature into a real adult man and stop dreaming and fantasizing that your dream girl ( who will be so sweet and nice to you and accepting of all your faults) will just drop out of the sky one day.

in the back of every straight guys mind, we all want the same thing. do you think you can compete against the hordes upon hordes of other men all striving for the same few prized girls (all the rest are too old, too ugly, or too emotional damaged, or have kids, or maybe even GASP, not like you).

if you want this fantasy ideal girl of yours, be a god damn man and grow as a person and work towards your goals of getting that "shy girl" you want.

if you don't, one day you will wake up realizing that you are still alone at 40 without a chance of ever finding companionship.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

What you say about high standards might be true, fluidglide, but you don't have to be a d*** about it. You don't really think a guy with SA will change simply because you insulted his maturity and manhood, do you?


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

fluidglide said:


> bla bla bla


wow. what?


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## 2Talkative (Nov 1, 2007)

STKinTHEmud said:


> What you say about high standards might be true, fluidglide, but you don't have to be a d*** about it. You don't really think a guy with SA will change simply because you insulted his maturity and manhood, do you?


What he said ^^^

If it was as easy as cursing people out and picking on them then we would all be ****ing cured.

Anyone else noticing a pile of posts like that one above maybe it's the time of year or something but seems like everyone is pissed these days we are all in this **** show together seems like some people forget that.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

fluidglide said:


> the poster of this thread is a very pathetic model of a human male who has no confidence, courage, or will power.
> 
> the poster is underdeveloped as a human being. he still thinks like an infant.
> 
> ...


As much of a douche as you're being about it, and as similar as I am to the OP, I really think you hit the nail on the head.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

fluidglide said:


> the poster of this thread is a very pathetic model of a human male who has no confidence, courage, or will power.
> 
> the poster is underdeveloped as a human being. he still thinks like an infant.
> 
> ...


This is a site for people who have social anxiety, moron. I seriously doubt you're in your 40's. And, if so, you should be taking your own advice; flaming on a board focused around mental disorders is hardly mature. While you're thinking on that, you might want to consider some anger management therapy as well.


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## zookeeper (Jun 3, 2009)

fluidglide said:


> the poster of this thread is a very pathetic model of a human male who has no confidence, courage, or will power.
> 
> the poster is underdeveloped as a human being. he still thinks like an infant.
> 
> ...


You're my hero.

In the most sarcastic and ironic way possible.


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## leomouse (Dec 1, 2008)

i don't know if you meant that as tough love or whatever but i agree with the point that he has to go after those girls and stop dreaming although the insulting didn't help. i disagree that they're all taken, there are alot of girls out there who posses these qualities and NO not all men want the same qualities in a woman.


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## fluidglide (Mar 1, 2009)

this is tough love this person needs. 

there is a saying that you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar but there is also much scientific research showing that humans will react more to fear than compassion. persuassion works only so far but force can make people do amazing things.

when a person has done enough talking, persuading, shouting, or even pleading to a person to change or do something, the last resort may be force with a strong hand. 

people, humans are creatures of habit and after the age of 15-20 (the teenage, puberty years) where there is such a change and transformation, people become very stubborn to change. 

when people get in a rut and are stuck in a certain state for a long time, they can actually subconsciously trick themselves into staying in that state, because it is so familiar and comfortable. 

this is why many adult people still live with their parents and get away with it. this is why some criminals prefer to stay in prison where their needs are met without really working for it. this is why some people can sit on their asses and make other people take care of them and support them. and the reason is because THEY CAN. 

until you pull the plug on a person's life support, take away their gravy train, push them out of their comfort zone, and remove their training wheels, people will still keep on being dependent, attached themselves to old, outdated ideologies, never mature as a person, and grow static in nature and thinking.

now i don't know the poster well enough but if you just read the title of his post "i dream of a shy girl", you can clearly see that he needs to be more proactive and aggresive. 

he is "dreaming", not acting or doing, or being. he is in his own head, thinking, fantasizing, and not moving out of his mind into getting that girl. stop dreaming and act, do, and be.

if he wants to find a great girl, he needs to change. that is a fact and no one can deny it. any girl who he will attract at this stage will be like him, and she will have probably the same mental issues as this person.

humans are not static beings. we change by the milisecond and slowly grow and mature as we grow older.

if i was a girl, why would i want a guy like this poster who clearly has no confidence in himself, who can't seem to hold his own when interacting with other people, and potentially appears to be a weak person. as a woman i would want to find a strong, dependable man who can be there for me if i am weak ,or scared, and who can potentially protect me from the evils of this world. any self respecting, truly worthy girl worth half her salt would have some standards and want such a guy.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Unfortunately, fluidglide is actually kind of correct in some regards. Like I said before, though, it's not that hard. I have known all kinds of women and not one of them was picky about a career and place in life. So, you are actually kind of wrong, fluidguide, about living at home and "getting away with it" or however you see it. Not everyone progresses on the same level and expecting the same level of maturity and development out of every individual is a little much. There are plenty of women that have had bad experiences with seemingly accomplished, "independent" men. Really, most of the relationship drama that I know of involves a man that has his own apartment and pays for all of his food and utilities, and it's usually the guy that is more at fault. People just suck and men surely have their issues going on as much as women. Having your own apartment and a nice job isn't going to guarantee you a relationship at all. If you look at the photo section of this message board you will find guys with expensive cars (at least to me, having never even driven a car) and other things that I cannot imagine having, but they are often perpetually single.

Fluidglide is right in that you can't sit there in wish for a "shy girl", because this is just a silly concept to hold onto to begin with. I've known plenty of quiet and/or "shy" girls, but I imagine none of them were interested in me and half of the time I was not interested in them. If anything, they probably wanted a more confident, outgoing guy, and that is _fine_. I was never interested in them enough to begin with. There was a girl that was interested in me that had a nice car, her own place, etc., and I had no interest whatsoever. I like "different" girls, sure. Putting people into categories isn't helpful, especially when it comes to describing what I am attracted to. I am attracted to what I am attracted to. I could give you a description of my girlfriend and you could classify her after that, but she probably wouldn't fit into being socially anxious or anything else. There is a reason that I like the women that I like and I find that the less picky you are, the better off you are. Sleeping on my mom's couch, though, doesn't seem to be bringing me down that much. There are a lot of negative attitudes and bitterness towards women out there, however, and dropping that can be a start.


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## Tragito (Jul 24, 2009)

TATA said:


> why don't we have a sort of match.com forum/topic here? So that people have more probability to meet other shy ones... just a thought


I agree.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

fluidglide: I don't agree with your methods, but I do agree with the message. You make a good argument about shaking people out of their comfort zones, but I think that when you inspire fear in a person who is already anxious, you'll make him retreat further within himself. I think he, like many of us, has had enough harsh criticism and insults, and as a result of our internalizing those remarks, have developed anxiety. A few more insults might make his problem worse. After all, it might be part of what caused the problem in the first place.

As to your point about how most girls want a capable, confident man, I wholeheartedly agree. I just posted a comment about what "confidence" and "a real man" might mean to a girl here:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/how-do-i-get-women-78114/


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

The only thing I take issue with is that you say you want a girl, and then describe something more akin to a houseplant than a cognizant human being...


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Sorry fluid. I can't exactly take your post to heart when you're on the same forum as me and have made a thread about wanting to find friends because you have few.

I said nothing of my life, nor how I behave in social situations. So how do you know I'm a pathetic excuse for a man hoping the girl of my dreams rings my doorbell some day? You don't.


So I'm glad you read dating article in GQ and felt like sharing your vast knowledge, but tone it the hell down. 


P.S. the people over at the tourettes could use some help. Maybe you should go there and tell them to get off their asses and stop shouting. I don't think anyone has thought of that yet.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

I like this post lol.

I think quietness is an attractive personality trait, personally. 

My boyfriend is not shy, though. He's very outgoing... He's fairly anti social, though. Which I love because he's not dragging me all over town, he's happy and I'm happy just staying in and being alone. He's perfect. I like that he's outgoing, I feel that it makes up for me when we do go out. and in certain situations I don't have to talk much because he does all the talking. But I like that he's not very social and doesn't like going out and prefers staying in with just me. Because that's what I like to do. My dad is the same way... he's pretty anti social but he's really personable and well-liked.


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