# My husband is Schizoid. How to cope..?



## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

*EDIT*: I posted this as a response;
Since he works in the military he is allowed to talk to the counselor whenever and surprisingly he did. I didn't ask him to or anything. He went and told him how he doesn't have conversations with me, is an ***hole to me, and doesn't show affection. The counselor said it is all related to how he was raised, because when he was a kid his parents did not show affection, talk to each other, and only his mom did all the chores. His parents were only staying together for the kids, which actually did more damage than it did help.. With the sex drive problem, the counselor says he's been told this thousands of times by newly weds and it is a normal thing for the first year or 6 months of marriage. He chose his coworkers over me because he is looking for acceptance, and knows i'm always here & doesn't need my acceptance anymore since we're married.

Anyways, the counselor would like to see both of us, because we never had pre-marital counseling and would like to see my side of the story, how i'm feeling, etc.

--Maybe he has social anxiety, I've thought about this before.. but asked and he says he feels no anxiety it's just that his mind is completely blank during conversations. He doesn't have any problems with confronting people, calling people, talking to new people (well except keeping conversation), he only gets anxiety if he's late for something, or something big is going to happen at work, and thats normal right?

Oh well, I suppose we'll just have to go to that counselor. 

*------Orignial Post:*

Schizoid is not Schizophrenic.

I think he is schizoid, i'm not telling him hey you're schizoid. SO STOP TELLING ME TO STOP DIAGNOSING HIM, I suggested the possibility to him, i'm asking for ways to cope with him not for reasons you think i'm stupid for thinking he's schizoid.

Not sure if this is the right forum topic to post this in or not.. Anyways, let me explain my situation.

I've been with my husband for 4 and 1/2 years total, but married and living together for 6 months. Before we moved in & got married he joined the Marines after our 2 year anniversary, so after that we only saw each other every 3 months for a week or weekend until I moved in a year and a half later. When we first met, he was so nice, so caring & loving, he was also depressed & I was too and we would help each other through tough times.
Later in the relationship he would not want to be kissed or not be affectionate at all, but I just thought he was being an *** and it would go away eventually.

Now: Maybe 3 weeks after living here with him, he's just distant. He doesn't like kissing, touching, hugging, cuddling, going out with me, or anything sexual. We don't fight, we just play video games together and that's it. I compliment him, cook for him, physically give him affection. I give him affection in every way I possibly could, hoping that he will return the favor. He doesn't have any friends & doesn't care to have any, he is not close to his family, he can't hold a conversation with me.. for example.. Me: How was work, anything interesting happen? Him: No, it was boring. Me: Oh,.. well I had a dream last night *tells dream*. Him: That's cool/terrible/weird. He doesn't ever start conversation, we never have long conversations.. nothing. He doesn't compliment me, or do anything to make me feel good about myself. If I ask to go out to eat he gets whiney and asks why.

I confronted him earlier about this.. he didn't really say anything except that I was making him mad by saying he could be schizoid & he also said it's not a problem if he is. I told him that I feel lonely in my own marriage. He had nothing to say.. It's even harder for me because my family is 1000 miles away, i moved here for him. He was not professionally diagnosed, I just found out what this was last night. He fits the symptoms perfectly, no emotions, indifferent to praise & criticism, prefers solitary activities, etc.

I don't want to leave him? I always said I don't believe in divorce.. There are things I do love about him, he's funny & i love gaming with him, but I just don't know how to cope with his detachedness .. I feel so unappreciated, like all he wants me for is to make him food..


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## brandonmag (Jan 21, 2013)

Could be a phase. The marines is a pretty hardcore lifestyle, well in my opinion. I'm sure it changes some people. 

I don't know what to tell you. Everyone has emotions.


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## asc (Nov 8, 2011)

brandonmag said:


> Could be a phase.
> 
> Agreed.
> 
> If I were you and this behavior of his continues I would try to talk to him about maybe seeing a professional counselor/ doctor to discuss this/ his symptoms to get some help.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

I wouldn't diagnose someone else. Especially since you dont know what is going on in their head. I could easily throw in avoidant personality disorder because people with this often change when someone goes past a certain boundary. And the whining when you leave also fits. Or depression can numb your feelings, make you distant. I cant think of any others right now, but it could be many things. 

also just because he says nothing, it doesn't mean he isnt angry at you /indifferent to criticism. 


I think you should have a proper conversation about this and ask him why hes acting this way, how he feels etc.


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

Invisiblehandicap said:


> I wouldn't diagnose someone else. Especially since you dont know what is going on in their head. I could easily throw in avoidant personality disorder because people with this often change when someone goes past a certain boundary. And the whining when you leave also fits. Or depression can numb your feelings, make you distant. I cant think of any others right now, but it could be many things.
> 
> also just because he says nothing, it doesn't mean he isnt angry at you /indifferent to criticism.
> 
> I think you should have a proper conversation about this and ask him why hes acting this way, how he feels etc.


He whines when I ask to go out to eat with him. I wouldn't go out to eat by myself yet, he wouldn't care if I left him home by himself. He doesn't want to do anything with me, but if a work buddy asks him if he wants to come out & drink.. he's always down.. I did sit down with him earlier and showed him was schizoid personality disorder is, and he agreed to having most if not all the symptoms, I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he said no. I'll give him a compliment, and the only thing he says is No. When he gets compliments from work and tells me about it, he thinks they are lying to him. I think i'll tell him about trying counseling, but if that's his personality will it really even help..


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## enfield (Sep 4, 2010)

the whining also fits schizoid

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder


> People with SPD "feel lost" without the people they are normally around, because they require a sense of security and stability
> 
> The question of whether SPD qualifies as a full personality disorder or simply as an avoidant attachment style is contentious.


anyway they are just imperfect classifications. but he seems to fall somewhere around there.


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

Although, yes he does beg and beg and beg for me to come to parties or whatever; little get togethers with coworkers. I always ask him why, because it's a bunch of guys, they don't want a wife there. He wanted me to go skiing with him and 4 other guys, that sounds like a guy only thing to me.. Ended up not happening.


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## ImWeird (Apr 26, 2010)

enfield said:


> the whining also fits schizoid
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder
> 
> anyway they are just imperfect classifications. but he seems to fall somewhere around there.


Wikipedia isn't a reliable source for information.

On a side note, my closest friend is a schizoid. Diagnosed. He only has a few friends and is very reluctant to even do stuff with people most of the time. It actually seems like he dislikes 99% of the people he meets and he's not afraid to show it and push them away. Honestly, if your husband is a true schizoid there is probably little you can do. Most of them get nowhere in therapy because they don't see anything wrong with themselves; they like being alone. They also tend to get worse over time.

I'd try to give your hubs some space for a while to see if it subsides, but if it doesn't you should probably try to get him to therapy to see what's up. Just because you think he's a schizoid doesn't mean he is. You need an official diagnosis, not a wikipedia one. Good luck!


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## Special (May 27, 2012)

You're not a professional so don't just go around throwing random diagnosis.

This is probably depression imo.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

xTaylor said:


> He whines when I ask to go out to eat with him. I wouldn't go out to eat by myself yet, he wouldn't care if I left him home by himself. He doesn't want to do anything with me, but if a work buddy asks him if he wants to come out & drink.. he's always down.. I did sit down with him earlier and showed him was schizoid personality disorder is, and he agreed to having most if not all the symptoms, I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he said no. I'll give him a compliment, and the only thing he says is No. When he gets compliments from work and tells me about it, he thinks they are lying to him. I think i'll tell him about trying counseling, but if that's his personality will it really even help..


I have most of those schizoid symptoms and I dont have schizoid. I will act schizoid if I feel like someone has gotten to close to me. At least go onto a schizoid forum and ask them and do more research. I would not rule it out as unchangeable behaviour just yet.


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## brandonmag (Jan 21, 2013)

Yes, never diagnose someone without a medical background. We could all think we have aids, schizophrenia, bipolar, or anything like that without a proper diagnosis. Doctor's aren't always right either, always seek a second opinion. 

Go easy on him, no one likes to be pestered.


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

Special said:


> You're not a professional so don't just go around throwing random diagnosis.
> 
> This is probably depression imo.


Obviously. I was suggesting it to him. I didn't go up to him like, hey you're schizoid. The title was for simple & shortness. He used to be depressed, he says he likes him self & where he is in life, he has goals in his job. If he his depressed though, he sure shows it differently than I do.


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## brandonmag (Jan 21, 2013)

If he wanted to go skiing, it shows he's not completely antisocial and does have interests. I hate to be blunt, but maybe you should both seek counseling as it's usually not "just" one persons fault.


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## Nessie91 (Jan 5, 2012)

His symptoms could fit into a range of things.. i wouldn't try and diagnose him off the internet. My therapist said that's a wrong thing to do.
Unless he goes to a mental health doctor and they do a professional diagnosis. 

You probably make him mad by saying "oh yeah you're schizoid".


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

xTaylor said:


> He whines when I ask to go out to eat with him. I wouldn't go out to eat by myself yet, he wouldn't care if I left him home by himself. He doesn't want to do anything with me, but if a work buddy asks him if he wants to come out & drink.. he's always down.. I did sit down with him earlier and showed him was schizoid personality disorder is, and he agreed to having most if not all the symptoms, I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that and he said no. I'll give him a compliment, and the only thing he says is No. When he gets compliments from work and tells me about it, he thinks they are lying to him. I think i'll tell him about trying counseling, but if that's his personality will it really even help..


It is strange that he would go out with people from work though. If he were truly schizoid he would have no desire to do that.

Have a look at this video and tell me what you think...


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

jonny neurotic said:


> It is strange that he would go out with people from work though. If he were truly schizoid he would have no desire to do that.
> 
> Have a look at this video and tell me what you think...


I don't think he's narcissistic.. & he only wants to go out if im there and if theres alcohol involved. He's 20, and can't buy alcohol yet so whenever he's given the option to drink he takes it because it makes him stress free, he says.

I talked to him yesterday again and he's upset that he is emotionally detached & doesn't know how to socialize. I told him to maybe try counseling but he says that's for the weak..


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

Was your husband always like this? It sounds like you've been with him for a 
while. If he wasn't like this before I wonder what accounts for the
change. Maybe he's got other things going on that he's not wanting
to talk about. He might be schizoid or whatever, but he would probably 
need to see it himself as a problem to be able to work on it. Just some
thoughts on this.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

xTaylor said:


> I don't think he's narcissistic.. & he only wants to go out if im there and if theres alcohol involved. He's 20, and can't buy alcohol yet so whenever he's given the option to drink he takes it because it makes him stress free, he says.
> 
> I talked to him yesterday again and he's upset that he is emotionally detached & doesn't know how to socialize. I told him to maybe try counseling but he says that's for the weak..


Have you asked him whether he gets anxiety when you start to do sexual stuff? Or is it emotional numbness or loss of interest? etc


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

Invisiblehandicap said:


> Have you asked him whether he gets anxiety when you start to do sexual stuff? Or is it emotional numbness or loss of interest? etc


He doesn't get anxiety, he just has a low sex drive, when i first moved here it was through the roof and it just slowly started to fade. He just doesn't feel the need for it as much.


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

pbanco said:


> Was your husband always like this? It sounds like you've been with him for a
> while. If he wasn't like this before I wonder what accounts for the
> change. Maybe he's got other things going on that he's not wanting
> to talk about. He might be schizoid or whatever, but he would probably
> ...


No he wasn't always like this.. when we first met he was so nice & loving. Then maybe like a year or a little more into the relationship, he didn't want to kiss me anymore, then when he left to the marines he was lovey every time he came home every few months, but when he was gone he was cold, like he forgot how much he loved me every time he went back to base. Then when i moved in he was lovey for the first month and then nope!


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

Don't the marines turn people into robots so they will do what they're told and not think about what they're doing??? That could account for his change in behavior, and his behavior in general???


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## pbanco (Jan 13, 2013)

xTaylor said:


> No he wasn't always like this.. when we first met he was so nice & loving. Then maybe like a year or a little more into the relationship, he didn't want to kiss me anymore, then when he left to the marines he was lovey every time he came home every few months, but when he was gone he was cold, like he forgot how much he loved me every time he went back to base. Then when i moved in he was lovey for the first month and then nope!


I hope you can find a solution for this. If he was different before then
it seems unlikely that he turned schizoid now but who knows. I feel like it's a deep rooted personality characteristic. It certainly sounds like stuff to talk about with him. Maybe a couples counselor could help. My wife and I tried that when we had problems. One time we didn't like the therapist and he didn't help. Another time we went to a therapist who did Imago Therapy and we found her very helpful. It could be hard to get him to try something like this, I guess.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

pbanco said:


> If he was different before then
> it seems unlikely that he turned schizoid now but who knows. .


This. You cant just suddenly get a personality disorder like you can suddenly get an anxiety disorder. Its different.

The thing that's missing I guess is, what changed? where there any significant events before he started to loose interest?


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## xTaylor (Aug 18, 2011)

pbanco said:


> I hope you can find a solution for this.  If he was different before then
> it seems unlikely that he turned schizoid now but who knows. I feel like it's a deep rooted personality characteristic. It certainly sounds like stuff to talk about with him. Maybe a couples counselor could help. My wife and I tried that when we had problems. One time we didn't like the therapist and he didn't help. Another time we went to a therapist who did Imago Therapy and we found her very helpful. It could be hard to get him to try something like this, I guess.





Invisiblehandicap said:


> This. You cant just suddenly get a personality disorder like you can suddenly get an anxiety disorder. Its different.
> 
> The thing that's missing I guess is, what changed? where there any significant events before he started to loose interest?


Since he works in the military he is allowed to talk to the counselor whenever and surprisingly he did. I didn't ask him to or anything. He went and told him how he doesn't have conversations with me, is an ***hole to me, and doesn't show affection. The counselor said it is all related to how he was raised, because when he was a kid his parents did not show affection, talk to each other, and only his mom did all the chores. His parents were only staying together for the kids, which actually did more damage than it did help.. With the sex drive problem, the counselor says he's been told this thousands of times by newly weds and it is a normal thing for the first year or 6 months of marriage. He chose his coworkers over me because he is looking for acceptance, and knows i'm always here & doesn't need my acceptance anymore since we're married.

Anyways, the counselor would like to see both of us, because we never had pre-marital counseling and would like to see my side of the story, how i'm feeling, etc.


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## lfields (Jan 24, 2013)

*I think you might be right.*

I will tell you that I dated someone who had all of the classic traits of schizoid personality. When I first met him he masted his personality disorder. He put on a false front and was very sweet, attentive, had good conversation and seemed like an easy going guy. There were little red flags during the first few weeks that I thought were odd behavior but nothing to make me think something was wrong. Yes, something seemed a little off but not to the degree that I would think he had a personality disorder. Then 3 to 4 months in I started seeing that false personality unravel and his disorder bubble to the surface.

Since your husband was away in the military for the majority of your relationship for extended period of time, he was probably able to successful hide his disorder or perhaps he was in the phase where the disorder was starting to develop.

Needless to say, in my situation by the 5th month into dating this guy, I knew something was wrong. Same situation as you mentioned. Absolutely no friends, stayed to himself. Very moody, displayed very little emotion, was cold and unsympathetic if I was sick or distressed about anything important. He was not supportive or encouraging. Showed little emotions, had no interpersonal or communication skills. His conversations became shorter and shorter. "how was your day, good, cool, well talk to you later". Like he didn't care what I had to say or was unconcerned about what was going on with me. Wasn't worth the dialogue as far as he was concerned.

He kept everything in his head. He stopped sharing what was on his mind. You had to figure out if he was mad at you or not. Constant brooding. Implored the silent treatment when he was mad at you, and you had to figure out what you could have done or say to deserve this type of emotional abuse.

The guy I was dating was 50 years old and I will tell you it will not get better if in fact your husband is schizoid. It will only get worst, as most schizoid do not see that they have a problem interacting with others. You will be the only one in the relationship, and it will be quite lopsided. Your emotional needs will not be met at all. You will be frustrated beyond belief. Most schizoid will not change, they expect you to accept them the way they are and see it as just how they're hardwired.

I feel for anybody in a romantic relationship with a schizoid. I broke it off with my boyfriend when I realize what was going on. He lives in ignorance believing nothing is wrong with him. He has been unable to have a successful long-term relationship for years, because as soon as any balanced thinking woman finds out something is seriously 'off' here, they walk away. He currently has his mother living with him, and I'm sure she just feeds the disorder and make it possible for him to continue to become more entrenched in his ways. Glad I figured it out when I did and got the heck out of dodge.


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## Cletis (Oct 10, 2011)

I was told I was "Schizoid" by a Psychiatrist once. I disagreed with him because I want social contact but my SA prevents me from going after it. I didn't go back to him.


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## vancouver (Apr 7, 2012)

xTaylor said:


> Since he works in the military he is allowed to talk to the counselor whenever and surprisingly he did. I didn't ask him to or anything. He went and told him how he doesn't have conversations with me, is an ***hole to me, and doesn't show affection. The counselor said it is all related to how he was raised, because when he was a kid his parents did not show affection, talk to each other, and only his mom did all the chores. His parents were only staying together for the kids, which actually did more damage than it did help.. With the sex drive problem, the counselor says he's been told this thousands of times by newly weds and it is a normal thing for the first year or 6 months of marriage. He chose his coworkers over me because he is looking for acceptance, and knows i'm always here & doesn't need my acceptance anymore since we're married.
> 
> *Anyways, the counselor would like to see both of us, because we never had pre-marital counseling and would like to see my side of the story, how i'm feeling, etc.*


I think it would be a great thing for you both to together go into some counseling sessions. Hopefully you have the courage to speak your mind (can be a problem with SA), it should help a lot in getting your message through if the 3rd person (counselor) is there to relay your thoughts back at him.

I see you mentioned the word divorce in a previous post, from checking out your profile and assuming your husband is in the same age range. You two are still _very_ young, so don't feel _locked in_ if it doesn't work out.

Best of luck though!


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