# for the guys-- what if you are getting intimate with a girl...



## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

and noticed she has scars and/or cuts on her body? clearly self-inflicted.

partly i am curious to know if it would completely change your opinion of her, how you would judge her based on that, if it would change your decision to precede with whatever you were doing, etc etc



(i guess females can answer too)


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

It turns me on to be honest, I might be in the minority though.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Yeah, that's one of my fears.... that I get a significant other who notices what I've done and it grosses/freaks him/her out. (Well, my ideal mate would uh... nevermind). Anyway, I have similar apprehensions.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> It turns me on to be honest, I might be in the minority though.


it turns you on? seriously?
okay.. well.. i wasn't expecting that answer but that's allright with me.

i remember once stumbling upon a professional photo of a nude model who was really beautiful and she had scars on her body and it made me so happy that i wept a little


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## caithiggs (Jan 11, 2009)

I wouldn't be intimidated (though I'm a girl and it seems like guys are less likely to cut themselves, etc.) If I found out my SO had scars from self harm the only thing it would do is strike up an interesting conversation topic about their self history.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

if i saw it, i would maybe stop and talk about it in a mature manner, as it is a serious subject. After this talk, the relationship would resume as normal because the person you are with likes u for u, and should be compassionate to what you went through in the past. This is based on the maturity level of the person you are dealing with.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> it turns you on? seriously?
> okay.. well.. i wasn't expecting that answer but that's allright with me.
> 
> i remember once stumbling upon a professional photo of a nude model who was really beautiful and she had scars on her body and it made me so happy that i wept a little


Yeah it means the girl might be as ****ed up as i am and that's pretty hot to me, in fact we could even cut each other if she was into that.


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## coldmorning (Jul 4, 2007)

Hard to say as I haven't been in that situation. I'd probably be upset but wouldn't show it. I've never really understood cutting or why it happens, but I'd likely feel sorry for her. In terms of relationships, I seem drawn to people I feel sorry for so oddly enough it might make me feel closer to her.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

to the op, sounds like a girl with BPD you cant save them. Id run, fast.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

As long as she gets help for it, I would not see a problem.


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## hyacinth_dragon (Dec 28, 2008)

I've known lots of BP girls to self harm. If I had a boyfriend who cut himself, I dont' know what I'd do. I could be friends with a guy who did that, but I would not want to be his girlfriend until he had gotten treatment for his underlying problems .


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

As Auron said, I would ignore it during the intimacy.

I would definitely ask about it later though, and be willing to discuss it. I would definitly want to know if they were still doing this or, or if they have stopped (and how they managed to stop).

I'd expect honesty in this situation, it would be important to me. If they still cut, or used to cut, wouldn't be as important to me as being honest about the situation when I asked.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I'm kind of spontaneous and might ask what happened in the moment. What Auron posted sounds a lot better, I don't always make the right decision in the moment. Damn hindsight.


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

Wouldn't change my opinion of her or stop what we were doing but I would be concerned about her and probably bring it up at a later time.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

If we are speaking honestly it depends on how bad/recent the cuts were. If there were a few minor ones it would not bother me. If we are talking fresh deep cuts I would honestly probably freak out and leave. Im not saying that I dont have my own problems by any means but I would not be able to "preform" under those circumstances. Nor would I think its appropriate to be intimate with someone who is dealing with those issues.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> to the op, sounds like a girl with BPD you cant save them. Id run, fast.












well i hope no guys run out on me!


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## DaveM (May 29, 2008)

nothing to fear said:


> well i hope no guys run out on me!


You just skimmed over 4-5 posts of people saying they wouldn't mind and you're only taking to heart what one person wrote?

That's not cool. Don't be hard on yourself. Yeah, I know it's easier said than done, but it only begins to reverse once you realize just how bad this negative energy really is.

Anyway, I'd ask right up front what is wrong, and I'd do my best to make my SO realize just how irrational some beliefs may be. I certainly wouldn't be weirded or anything- just concerned.

Believe it or not, there is always a positive spin to something negative. I challenge you to give me a scenario in which there is nothing good to be had.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> Yeah it means the girl might be as ****ed up as i am and that's pretty hot to me, in fact we could even cut each other if she was into that.


you sick f***! :O

nah i'm kidding. if you like ****ed up girls then i'm perfect for you!


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

DaveM said:


> You just skimmed over 4-5 posts of people saying they wouldn't mind and you're only taking to heart what one person wrote?
> 
> That's not cool. Don't be hard on yourself. Yeah, I know it's easier said than done, but it only begins to reverse once you realize just how bad this negative energy really is.


nah i was actually kidding about the sad face.

i'm past that stage where i was just constantly depressed and hateful towards myself for any damage i've done, so i'm actually more positive than i was before and accepting of who i am. this is just a slight worry of mine i always have in the back of my head since i'm never sure how a guy will react.

but anyway thanks for the responses guys! =) they are mostly reassuring that this shouldn't be such a big worry. well hopefully not.


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## Eraserhead (Sep 23, 2006)

It depends. If she kept her scars (and her cutting habit) a secret, then it wouldn't be a pleasant surprise. But if I we were that intimate, that means I care about her. I would empathize, not judge. 

This actually happened once, but she was candid about it. I wasn't bothered. We're all imperfect.


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## NeedleInTheHay (May 20, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> you sick f***! :O
> 
> nah i'm kidding. if you like ****ed up girls then i'm perfect for you!


and you seem to have good taste in music!


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I would ask her about it later on.


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

NeedleInTheHay said:


> It turns me on to be honest, I might be in the minority though.


I think I would find it a bit hot too. I'm not sure why. I would be a bit worried if she was still actively doing it though and try to help her.


NeedleInTheHay said:


> Yeah it means the girl might be as ****ed up as i am and that's pretty hot to me, in fact we could even cut each other if she was into that.


Yeah that might be interesting...


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## mind_games (Nov 30, 2008)

It wouldn't turn me off her or anything, but I would want to talk about it, if not then or sometime later. I'd just want her to be okay I think.


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## IllusionalFate (Sep 10, 2008)

I would probably bring it up afterwards out of concern. If they were self-inflicted, it would not negatively impact my opinions/feelings for her at all... like Nicolay said, I would empathize rather than judge.


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## seanybhoy (Mar 2, 2008)

I would feel sorry for her that she felt the need to take such actions to cope with whatever **** she had the misfortune to experience/continue to experience.

As for furthering a relationship with her then yeah i wouldn't like runaway and be like ew freak but i'd certainly have to know what triggers her harming that's for sure so i could at least empathise with her actions/behaviour.

In the long run though it would probably break my heart to see someone i love hurt themselves in that way knowing i was powerless to stop them .


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

It wouldn't change anything, but it would be a topic brought up later on when the time was right.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

I guiltily admit to being in the "turned on" camp.


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## liarsclub (Aug 23, 2008)

--


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

VCL XI said:


> I guiltily admit to being in the "turned on" camp.


_nice_











liarsclub said:


> probably fall deep in love. I would feel so much compassion, it would probably make my heart burst.


awww


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## Graye (Jan 21, 2009)

I knew someone who admitted to attempting suicide twice with drugs. In the moment, it freaked me out, but after a while I put it in the back of my mind since she was somewhat like me. 

If this person didn't keep her 'issues' completely secret, then the cutting wouldn't bother me after a while.


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## deanna_b87 (Jan 27, 2009)

For one, is this a girl you're ONLY getting intimate with, or someone you're seeking a relationship wth as well? Because if it's just sex, then roll with it. And if it's a relationship, then talk it out. Ask her what the deal is behind her scars-- She might have a story to tell.

Also, scars mean they're in the past. If you see fresh cuts, that is most definitely a cause for concern.

As a recovering cutter myself, I know that I wouldn't want anyone to judge me based on something that happened in the past, just because the effects are still ingering on my skin.


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

I don't know about being turned on but I think if I noticed in a moment of passion I would probably try to make her feel more beautiful, maybe even hint at playful biting or slapping or something. I would want to keep her relaxed even if we didn't continue, the real discussion would be for another time unless she wanted to open up then


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

VCL XI said:


> I guiltily admit to being in the "turned on" camp.


That's 3!


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## ShyFX (Mar 6, 2006)

It wouldn't turn me off or anything. But I would be concerned if she was still doing it because it would hurt to see her do that to herself..even if she got some kind of release from it. I have some scars of my own (not from cutting) that I'm really self conscious about so I would try my best to be understanding.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

ok im really not trying to be an ******* or anything and I am into some interesting stuff myself. But I think that being sexual attracted to self mutilation might indicate a serious mental problem.


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## seanybhoy (Mar 2, 2008)

You took the words out my mouth.


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## Prism (Dec 17, 2004)

This would bother me quite a bit if I felt comfortable enough to get intimate with this person and yet they didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me about their past. If I was aware ahead of the fact than it's all good. I suppose it becomes a trust issue.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Rasputin_1 said:


> ok im really not trying to be an ******* or anything and I am into some interesting stuff myself. But I think that being sexual attracted to self mutilation might indicate a serious mental problem.


i'm sure they are not aroused at the thought of the girl going through emotional pain that causes her to cut herself. it's probably much more just the S&M thing, which could go both sides rather than just one person hurting themselves for the other's pleasure. either way; purely a fantasy and fetish and doing it simply for pleasure, or because of underlying emotional or psychological issues are completely different things.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

if anyone asks just tell them you had unprotected sex with a porcupine


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

nubly said:


> if anyone asks just tell them you had unprotected sex with a porcupine


Because nothing says "mental health" quite like intercourse with spikey wildlife. Get out of my fantasies, nubly.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

nubly said:


> if anyone asks just tell them you had unprotected sex with a porcupine


Or accidentally stumbled into a room full of razor-wire ala _Suspiria_.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

nothing to fear said:


> i'm sure they are not aroused at the thought of the girl going through emotional pain that causes her to cut herself. it's probably much more just the S&M thing, which could go both sides rather than just one person hurting themselves for the other's pleasure. either way; purely a fantasy and fetish and doing it simply for pleasure, or because of underlying emotional or psychological issues are completely different things.


I dont think so. because in the case you are describing they know its real. They know you did it because you hurt. I suspect most of the people who are turned on have done done it too and are "excited" to meet someone who has as many problems as themselves.

Again I would say both parties in this situation are in need of help.


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

Rasputin_1 said:


> ok im really not trying to be an ******* or anything and I am into some interesting stuff myself. But I think that being sexual attracted to self mutilation might indicate a serious mental problem.





nothing to fear said:


> i'm sure they are not aroused at the thought of the girl going through emotional pain that causes her to cut herself. it's probably much more just the S&M thing, which could go both sides rather than just one person hurting themselves for the other's pleasure. either way; purely a fantasy and fetish and doing it simply for pleasure, or because of underlying emotional or psychological issues are completely different things.





Rasputin_1 said:


> I dont think so. because in the case you are describing they know its real. They know you did it because you hurt. I suspect most of the people who are turned on have done done it too and are "excited" to meet someone who has as many problems as themselves.
> 
> Again I would say both parties in this situation are in need of help.


I've never done it to myself. I'm sure why it turns me on. Maybe because scars are sort of like piercings or tattoos which I like on a girl sometimes? I don't know, you see enough porn on the internet you get jaded and move on to something more exciting/different, then something else, etc. Eventually you see some pretty crazy stuff and get weird fantasies/kinks/fetishes. That may be why.
I also have a fascination with blades and collect swords and knives.
Blood can be sexy in the right circumstances.
Pain as well.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

Bredwh said:


> I've never done it to myself. I'm sure why it turns me on. Maybe because scars are sort of like piercings or tattoos which I like on a girl sometimes? I don't know, you see enough porn on the internet you get jaded and move on to something more exciting/different, then something else, etc. Eventually you see some pretty crazy stuff and get weird fantasies/kinks/fetishes. That may be why.
> I also have a fascination with blades and collect swords and knives.
> Blood can be sexy in the right circumstances.
> Pain as well.


I know thats the one thing I have against porn on the internet, although I would never want to ban it or anything. People just look up weirder and weirder stuff and Im all about exploring your sexuality and I think American society as a whole is way to closeminded about this. However I do think SOME fantasies are unhealthy. Im not going to list them for fear of getting this thread closed cutting is def on the list.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

I think "slight turn-on" is being confused for "obsessive, life-endangering paraphilia". 

Additionally, I think pornography is more responsible for making one aware of their little kinks rather than creating them.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

It wouldn't bother me at all. I have a few scars here and there too.
Hell, i used to bang my head on walls and punch myself, so id be one hell of an hypocrite to go and judge someone for their SH scars.

I'm kind of tempted to be turned on by scars. To me they're a sign of someone who didn't get an easy life and i can relate to that.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

liarsclub said:


> probably fall deep in love. I would feel so much compassion it would probably make my heart burst.


As long as she could accept mine and she didn't do it to herself anymore, I wouldn't be phased at all.

But I'm in the same boat as liarsclub. I would most likely proceed to kiss them softly and tell her that I loved every inch of her, scars and all. It would certainly ignite the passion..


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

It wouldn't turn me off or anything, because I would be interested in him, not what is on his body, really. I would be curious about them, though.

As for myself, I always get afraid of it.


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## southward (Jul 25, 2008)

I have old scars on my body so I wouldn't mind it so much. If they were fresh, I would stop and try to talk to them about it. Other peoples' blood freaks me out.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

As long as the cuts weren't open (infections) - then again, she'd be my wife which means I'd love her unconditionally.


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## Lateralus (Oct 28, 2007)

I think I would want her even more. Seeing her past anguish, I would want to make her feel desired...not like pity though, it comes from the heart...a longing feeling, like you just want to hold them closer. I guess I'm in the "turned on" crowd too


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

Rasputin_1 said:


> I dont think so. because in the case you are describing they know its real. They know you did it because you hurt. I suspect most of the people who are turned on have done done it too and are "excited" to meet someone who has as many problems as themselves.
> 
> Again I would say both parties in this situation are in need of help.


Just because people admitted to being 'turned on' by this, be it whatever reason they may have, it doesn't mean they continue self-mutilation slash harm for ones own pleasure and especially not on behalf of the suffering of said other parties.

More often than not, I think you'll find that discovering scars on a person you are emotionally attached to will, by the very least, evoke some deep feelings of protectiveness and a deep, inner passion for that person. Being somewhat 'sexually aroused' because of this physical/emotional enhancement is just a bonus for most of us, even if it does mean we're ****ed up.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Jaiyyson said:


> But I'm in the same boat as liarsclub. I would most likely proceed to kiss them softly and tell her that I loved every inch of her, scars and all. It would certainly ignite the passion..


awww









reading this thread makes me want a b/f now, lol


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

The scars wouldn't turn me on - it's like the broken pot that has been glued together. It actually knows what it is like to be broken and put back together - and NO LEAKS!


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

nothing to fear said:


> awww
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Same.


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## MaidMarian (Feb 18, 2009)

I have scars, and never met a guy yet who objected to them, or thought I was gross because of them.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

I don't know. The subject has never come up.

The only person I've ever seen in real life who was obviously a cutter was some cashier at a local grocery store. She had scars up & down both arms as if cut by a razor blade or such in the past, something which I'd previously only seen in an online pic.


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## lucyinthesky (Mar 29, 2009)

Self harm is looked down upon a lot in society, it's seen as worse than things like alcoholism often :/

It's not an easy thing to talk about, and most people go to great lengths to hide it.

Hmm


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