# Being ambitious when you have SA?



## lucyinthesky (Mar 29, 2009)

I've always aimed very high in life, and like trying to be the best at things. I'd like to get into a top university, have a successful career and learn other languages in the future. However, I hate hate hate getting attention. Sometimes I'd intentionally do things as badly as I could to avoid standing out. Social anxiety seems to have great significance on both future plans and how you currently live your life....

Do you think it holds you back, or do you still have ambitions in life?


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## gilt (Jan 7, 2010)

SA certainly held me back early in my career lucyinthesky. I won't bore you with the details, but it took me a long time to work up to the point where I feel the work that I'm now doing matches my abilities. And I'm not a mathematician as I had planned in college, although I'm directing my future goals there in my company.

I know you don't like attention, but try to evade it or minimize after your successes. Don't avoid your success (even those few times), it's not fair to yourself!


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

SA has held me back because I am ambitious and was raised in a family where being "modest" is favored. When I lived with my parents I felt like I could not be myself because I had to be the person they wanted me to be. When I moved out I started living life like I wanted and I gained confidence and freedom. SA can sometime lower others' expectations of you because they think because you appear shy you must not be confident, interesting, ambitious etc.


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## robtyl (Sep 2, 2010)

SA has definitely held me back and cut off a lot of opportunities for me, but I've always tried to do my best to push through despite this. I have what I call 'combination' SA, where I occasionally become 'normal', with lots of energy, excitement and enthusiasm for life. During these fleeting moments I form a really positive outlook on things and everything seems achievable... but then I lapse back into my normal state after not too long.

I've resolved to mentally try to hold on to these thoughts though, even when I don't feel so positive, and try to live them out as best I can. And to some extent I've done that. I got into law at a top uni, worked my ar$e off to go on exchange to London for a year, got into Honours this year and will travel to Malaysia to study for a couple of months around July. I've also found a really cool place in Ecuador where they accept volunteers for free to help out at a small village school for young children... they have a blog online and people go there from around the world - it looks amazing! I'll have to learn a bit of Spanish to be able to go (which I am currently doing in my spare time). But this stuff isn't easy... I've lived in pure isolation for a number of years now and have often questioned my determination to get through and push on with plans to be successful. I've also failed at interviews and done quite poorly and questioned the use of trying hard when I will just fall flat on my face... but there's nothing else to do for me than to keep trying. And there's never any harm in trying. Better than to wallow.

I think self-pity is a supremely destructive force. A lot of people often forget that there is someone always much more worse-off then they are themselves. There are people are deaf, blind and dumb - they are physically and mentally incapacitated. All it takes to do well in life (however you conceive that to be) is to form an idea, decide what it takes, and go for it. In other words: Do what you _need_ to do, to do what you _want_ to do. Success doesn't come easily, and many people forget this too. During my time in London (a life-changing experience), I met a truly inspirational person who overcame absolutely horrid circumstances (worse than many people on here have experienced) and reached an epiphanous moment in which he decided never to give up. He worked as hard as he could, got into Oxford, graudated, secured a job recently with a magic circle law firm and is teaching himself Mandarin (and is now semi-fluent). This guy does a whole heap of activities, always trying to extend and improve himself - and best of all, he often made the effort to share his enthusiasm with others.

I think it's important to decide what you want out of life and escape the trap of self-pity that is all too easy to fall into. And I have had my fair share of setbacks, but I will persist until I get where I want to be. Most importantly, no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. For me, I want to be important; I want to change the world, even if only in a small grassroots manner; I want to _matter_; I want to learn new things; see new places; meet new people; use all the potential I believe I have; and be the best person I can be. How I do this and whether I eventually get there is up to me.

Decide what you want to do, determine how to go about achieving it, and just do it. Just decide, and the rest falls into place. It won't be easy and you can expect difficulties. But most people who do well in life didn't find it come easy to them. He who says he can and he who says he can't are _both_ usually right.

I was so happy when I saw your thread because on these forums there is so much negativity, self-pity and self-loathing that it makes me sick sometimes. The world can be whatever you want it to be, if you just make the effort, stop feeling sorry for yourself and find the courage to try, try and try some more. Success is a journey - not a destination. And this journey is different for everyone... as long or short, as near or far, as comfortable or uncomfortable as the individual wishes it to be.

I've drawn attention to this a number of times in other threads but I still feel not enough people have seen it to I'll post it here for you to - I have undertaken to adopt this as my life philosophy:






Good luck to you and all that you wish for. Keep a positive mindset, maintain the focus and determination, and do whatever it takes to be where you want to be. And don't let anyone _ever_ convince you otherwise 

x


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## lucyinthesky (Mar 29, 2009)

gilt said:


> SA certainly held me back early in my career lucyinthesky. I won't bore you with the details, but it took me a long time to work up to the point where I feel the work that I'm now doing matches my abilities. And I'm not a mathematician as I had planned in college, although I'm directing my future goals there in my company.
> 
> I know you don't like attention, but try to evade it or minimize after your successes. Don't avoid your success (even those few times), it's not fair to yourself!


I'm really glad you're now doing something that you believe matches your abilities... that's great  And yeah, you're right with everything you said. Thanks 



Mae West said:


> SA has held me back because I am ambitious and was raised in a family where being "modest" is favored. When I lived with my parents I felt like I could not be myself because I had to be the person they wanted me to be. When I moved out I started living life like I wanted and I gained confidence and freedom. SA can sometime lower others' expectations of you because they think because you appear shy you must not be confident, interesting, ambitious etc.


That makes a lot of sense to me... my family are very similar in wanting to remain 'modest'. And yeah, I think people never expect shy people to succeed; it just doesn't seem to make sense for most, with confidence so encouraged from a young age etc.



robtyl said:


> SA has definitely held me back and cut off a lot of opportunities for me, but I've always tried to do my best to push through despite this. I have what I call 'combination' SA, where I occasionally become 'normal', with lots of energy, excitement and enthusiasm for life. During these fleeting moments I form a really positive outlook on things and everything seems achievable... but then I lapse back into my normal state after not too long.
> 
> I've resolved to mentally try to hold on to these thoughts though, even when I don't feel so positive, and try to live them out as best I can. And to some extent I've done that. I got into law at a top uni, worked my ar$e off to go on exchange to London for a year, got into Honours this year and will travel to Malaysia to study for a couple of months around July. I've also found a really cool place in Ecuador where they accept volunteers for free to help out at a small village school for young children... they have a blog online and people go there from around the world - it looks amazing! I'll have to learn a bit of Spanish to be able to go (which I am currently doing in my spare time). But this stuff isn't easy... I've lived in pure isolation for a number of years now and have often questioned my determination to get through and push on with plans to be successful. I've also failed at interviews and done quite poorly and questioned the use of trying hard when I will just fall flat on my face... but there's nothing else to do for me than to keep trying. And there's never any harm in trying. Better than to wallow.
> 
> ...


What you called 'combination' SA reminded me of myself a bit: whilst I'm very very shy at times I can also have the energy and enthusiam you described. You're very right about holding onto those positive thoughts as well. That's so good that you've achieved all those things! It's great to hear something in contrast to the stories of people with 24hr xbox lives... shows it is possible  Good luck with the trip to Ecuador, it looks like a fantastic experience! A while back I went on a trip to Malawi and did some volunteering, that was great. I certainly think learning Spanish is a good move too... that will open so many more doors in the future. I know what you mean about doubting yourself, but also agree with how there's never any harm in trying  Self-pity certainly does destroy you.

I always get so motivated when I meet inspirational people. I recently got rejected by Oxford though in uni applications, so guess I won't be able to become exactly like the man you met :b You never know though, I might go there for my Masters! I think what you mentioned about him always trying to extend himself and sharing his enthusiasm is something everyone needs to focus on a lot more (including me).

Oh, I watched that video you linked just before I checked the replies to this! I saw it in the motivation videos thread. It certainly made me think a lot :yes Particularly about how I should knuckle down and get working 

Success certainly is a journey, and this website should be so much more positive! Maybe negativity should be banned, haha. Good luck with your plans; with your mindset I'm sure you'll achieve each and every one!

(By the way you should be a motivational speaker )


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## MattFoley (Dec 5, 2009)

Sorry this is probably really rambling as I wrote this straight through and didn't edit it. Hope it makes sense:

Robtyl, what you're doing and the attitude that your trying to have is so good and it's something I've been struggling to cultivate in myself my whole life. I have so many ambitions, so many things that I want to do with this life that I have let slip away because I was not sure I was capable of doing them. Not only that but my entire life people have been critical of the choices and decisions that I choose to make. Unfortunately, all of this time I have decided to listen to these negative opinions and have built my life around the idea that this is the sensible thing to do. 

One of the greatest lessons I've learned up to this point in my life is that stubbornness and a drive to follow your own path, no matter what anyone tells you, is the most important thing to have. There have been so many times when I've shared my ambitions with family and friends and they have told me how naive and ridiculous I am. Everyone has an opinion on how we should live our lives and we are lead to believe that the majority opinion is the one to follow. I can’t help but feel how fundamentally wrong this is though.

Like in that video you posted he talks about all of the people who decided to go against the grain and how that was the greatest choice they could have made. This belief is part of who I am now. There will be an endless stream of people in your life who will more than willing step up and tell you how ridiculous, naive, and foolish you are for pursuing something that is not “typical”. These are the same people who are unwilling to take a risk in their own lives in order to pursue something that is extraordinary. They value comfort over anything else. The more and more I think about it, I don’t want to look back on a life of comfort. I want to look back on a life where I pushed myself and I found out what I was made of. And if I fail in my pursuits, so be it. At least I can say that I believed in something and had the drive and fortitude to go after something that no one else believed was possible. 

It’s always made me wonder what would happen if instead of society as a whole knocking people for trying the impossible, we were to encourage each other. I can’t help but think that the world would be such a different and better place. Think of all the ideas that have been suppressed, all the dreams that have died out for lack of encouragement. When we’re kids we dream like crazy and somewhere along the line we’re taught to think more “realistically”. We’re basically taught that comfort and practicality are the end goals of life. 

But in general, at least in my particular experience, we aren’t encouraged to think passionately about what we believe in unless it’s what everyone else believes in. We either live in shame of the dreams we once had and make comfort our goal in life, or we harden ourselves to the criticism that we receive and pursue our dreams anyways.

I honestly feel happiest with my life when I choose to take the second path. I put the blinders up, become willfully ignorant of the criticism of others and challenge myself beyond what anybody thinks I’m capable of. The goal on this path isn’t comfort, it’s personal growth. It’s something to look back upon and be proud of. And yes, it takes building 1 brick at a time. It takes people making fun of you for even trying. It takes small steps and a devotion to pick yourself back up again after you fall. It takes swallowing your pride when things are hard. But the deep seated belief in what you’re doing keeps you going.

I am personally beginning to be able to draw strength from this defiance. My life can’t be about shying away from the challenges that face me. It can’t be about being comfortable and choosing not to push myself. I don’t want to regret my actions or lack thereof when I look back on my life. We all only get one chance at this and I’d like to think that I did the right thing.


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## Yella (Sep 27, 2010)

I think my SA has affected the level of ambition I have. But I notice when my level of ambition is at its lowest (usually after being unemployed for months, or something of that nature) I find my SA kicks into high gear. But then I will build up that ambition again which pushes the SA to a more tolerable level. Not sure if that makes sense. 

So I find that once I come up with goals and really decide to achieve them, and not let anything stop me then my SA doesn't affect my ambition as much. Every time I become successful at achieving on of those goals, I notice that my SA bothers me less.


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## uhhhbrandon (Dec 21, 2010)

becks said:


> Sorry this is probably really rambling as I wrote this straight through and didn't edit it. Hope it makes sense:
> 
> Robtyl, what you're doing and the attitude that your trying to have is so good and it's something I've been struggling to cultivate in myself my whole life. I have so many ambitions, so many things that I want to do with this life that I have let slip away because I was not sure I was capable of doing them. Not only that but my entire life people have been critical of the choices and decisions that I choose to make. Unfortunately, all of this time I have decided to listen to these negative opinions and have built my life around the idea that this is the sensible thing to do.
> 
> ...


Amazing post. You just spoke for me. I have huge goals for myself, but I'm always doubting whether or not I am making the right choices or will be able to even have success. Also, your right about people trying to get you to go in another path or talk "sense" into you.


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## salma (Jan 20, 2011)

I am an ambitious person despite my social anxiety. I became a law graduate despite the many presentations I had to carry out and the fact that I knew no one in the same course as me. I was terrified at first but looking back they were the best 3 years of my life!!!









The only problem now is that I am in a job that I am overqualified for, but hopefully aim to get a new job soon  (if I dont chicken out)


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## cubanscorpio (Jun 30, 2010)

Deep down I still have many many ambitions. Has SA stood in my way? Most definitely. But truely, I think a better question is "Why have I let SA stand in my way of my ambitions?" When ambitions are really all we're about, and life is about. Shouldn't our purpose in life be greater than some "fear"? Is our need to satisfy other's perspective of us really that strong that we put aside the purpose of our existance in order to meet it? Why do we consern ourselves so much with other's perspectives when we're supposed to be looking out for our own interests?

Your post really strikes me because of all the crap that SA brings along with it, not being able to strive for my ambitions and do what I have been put on this earth to do is probably the thing that hurts the most.

Like you, I used to also aim very high in life. However, it's nowhere near in comparison to where I am now. Which probably explains a lot in relation to the feelings of depression and low self esteem.


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## broseph (Jan 18, 2010)

I am extremely ambitious, way too ambitious for my own good actually. The problem is I am just as afraid of failure so I'm always worrying about things and it's holding me back.


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## confidencelost (Sep 3, 2010)

I have very high ambitions too. I have a very strong creative drive. I want to create things that are innovative and significant to the world. I find that there are two problems with social anxiety and my ambitions though. The first is the obvious one: social anxiety stops me doing things with other people if I can help it. Many of the things I want to be doing are extremely difficult if not impossible without others. However, the second problem is that even when I am working on something alone, and am obviously not anxious, I feel like by being alone I am making the my social life situation worse, so I feel guilty and don't progress towards my ambitions very far. I feel like I'm very much stuck between a rock and a hard place in that sense.

I still think it's possible to aim high and succeed though.


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## softshock11 (Jan 9, 2011)

I have a lot of ambition and passion for my goals. I sometimes spread myself too thin with everything I want to accomplish - but my SA does hold me back from getting it done because it seems I have to deal with people to make my dreams come true.
What a pain having that in my way.


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## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

Mae West said:


> SA has held me back because I am ambitious and was raised in a family where being "modest" is favored. *When I lived with my parents I felt like I could not be myself because I had to be the person they wanted me to be. When I moved out I started living life like I wanted and I gained confidence and freedom.* SA can sometime lower others' expectations of you because they think because you appear shy you must not be confident, interesting, ambitious etc.


i feel the same way , was it hard to live on yourself ?


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## RichardWood (Jan 26, 2011)

Yeah,I feel the same. And I have achieved some of them.


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## fredbloggs02 (Dec 14, 2009)

Are you saying your ambition is halted by anxiety or the ambition is part of the anxiety? Is it really you to believe "success" comes through study and getting into a "top university?" Is that not something to do with the anxiety itself? As a kid my parents might have told me to aim high but since when did high become "the best"? I've been held back sure and in times of happiness I've been very good but never did it cross my mind to be "the best." Even to be competitive in times when I've been competitive I knew that the best came from inside me, it wasn't out there. The best was me in a time zone where noone could touch me and that reached out and clambered over people on their terms be it athletic or otherwise. Why out there? Why out there telling you you need to be the best? Why not say it yourself? I don't think the best ever comes from out there really. In the end I think all you get from out there is a number you're conditioned to respond to keep chasing and you fall into the background and you become the queen of a chessboard I think. I think this is how buissiness is run and no individual succeeds in buissiness really, not to me anyway, only pieces. Athletes don't dive or run to the note of the crowds cheers, they block them out. I mean when you run for prime minister are you going to tell the people they know the way for you to lead yourself to lead them? Are you going to get there by telling them they know the way you're merely the messanger to their best understanding of what they need? Where does that leave a person though? That sounds a lot like bouncing a ball from the people's understanding back to them, forgive the metaphor. That turns a person into the wall that sends the ball back, to me. Say a lot of them wanted different things? Which of them are you? You can't listen to all of them so I guess you have to decide which ladder to climb. You can't lead and be SOLELY the advice you acknowledge, at that point you'd become...nothing surely. I don't know maybe it's all outside, an unconscious decision but I don't think there is such a thing as a high achiever. That's not a person, that's other people talking to me. Other people don't talk of people as "high achievers" in the future, not to me, only in the present after they've done something by their own hand. I'd rather be at the bottom of my own ladder than at the top of someone else's. This is just my experience, probably worthless.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

It doesn't hold me back from being ambitious. I'll do anything if it's for the financial stability of my future. even face SA related fears. I even took public speaking without a second thought. If it gets me farther through school than that's all I care about.


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## fictionz (Nov 18, 2006)

Yes it has held me back a lot all these years. Sometimes I still wonder whether it's possible. But I am glad that such a thread has been posted up, somehow it makes me feel that it's still possible, because anything is possible. Certain words remain cliche as they sound, but it might as well be the absolute truth. I think it's important for me to maintain my belief so that I'll keep going down the path I chose that is along the lines of my dreams, regardless of what other people tell me be it closest friends or family, so that one day I'll get to the destination I have always wanted to reach. May God be with me always with this.


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## ambergris (Oct 15, 2010)

Ten years ago, I would have said I was ambitious. SA was actually useful to me in terms of passing exams and getting into a top university. Because I didn't have a social life, it meant that all the way through school and college I could devote myself to my work without being distracted by extra-curricular activities. It was only when I was a graduate student that I realised I didn't have the necessary social skills to go on and have a successful career. It doesn't matter how clever you are, if you can't network you're never going to progress. 

In retrospect, my obsession with academic achievement was mainly an attempt to compensate for my uselessness at everything else. I thought that if I could excel in one area, it might make up for not having any friends, never getting married, never having children. But, in the end, passing exams wasn't enough to make me happy or keep me sane. It wasn't an adequate substitute for friends or family. It worked for a while, but it wasn't a long-term solution.

Ambitions are good. Just don't focus on them like I did, as a way of distracting yourself from your problems, because however much you achieve it will never be enough.


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## lucyinthesky (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks for all the interesting replies... they've been great to read


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## joe11 (Jan 22, 2011)

I hate getting attention too but I always tried to forget that when doing things. I'd just do it and see what happens. If I did well and got attention I didn't like it though.

Regarding ambitions, I do have them I suppose but SA does hold me back somewhat. It is mainly in my personal life though rather than my professional life or career.

However it did hold me back from going to a top university. I could have gone to Trinity College which is the probably the biggest in Ireland and as that meant moving which at the time I didn't feel comfortable doing, I stayed living at home and went to a local college.

I'd love to travel too and learn other languages but I haven't gone anywhere besides England which was when I was a kid. It doesn't help though that my parents never liked to travel and I had nobody in terms of a friend to go with so I never went yet anyway.

In terms of other things I'd like to do, SA does affect me massively. I'd love to do team sports like soccer for example and individual things too but I never joined any club due to that. I'd love to go out with friends and go places but never do either.

Hopefully things will improve as I most likely will be leaving home this summer as I finish college.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

forex said:


> i feel the same way , was it hard to live on yourself ?


Hello forex,
It was hard at first to work full-time and support myself but I got used to it. By moving out I realized my parents had a lot of unhealthy coping skills (excessive worry, highly emotionally reactive to mundane things, negative thinking). Eventually it became easier to live on my own because I developed positive coping skills and was able to deal with challenges better than my parents did.


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## lucyinthesky (Mar 29, 2009)

I guess moving out and having a change of scene could be a big help, yeah.


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## Paris23 (Feb 20, 2011)

For me of course if not for SA I would have been a millionaire by now! But I never give up!!! I have a sort of a demonish will power more than any girl of my age can have! My friends even say that to me!!!  
So, SA! I'm not afraid of you! You can'
t hold me back!!! I'm set to achieve my goals now more than ever because I suffered from SA like s***! To the worst! It got me down so many times, and it cost me like 5 jobs! I'm no more afraid of it!


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