# Are you attracted to your therapist/counsellor?



## Cepp

Or is that just me? Mine seems to get more and more attractive everytime I go... She's in her 40s and always looks stunning, I wish something would happen...


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## mcmuffinme

don't do it. it's bad for you mentally, and bad for your therapist legally. let's just say i have a family member that went through this the hard way, and it was ugly.


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## NoraTorious

It could ruin her career and make you even worse off. 

But I admit, mine is super dreamy. I would never think of doing anything with him, besides the fact we are both married people, I just think it is a really bad idea and nothing good can come of it. :no


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## panopticon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference


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## Deathinmusic

I don't think there's anything wrong with having feelings like that for your therapist, especially if you really find her/him attractive. This is a person who listens to your deepest, darkest thoughts and problems and is very understanding and supportive. They are helping you cope and helping you become healthier. Feelings can arise. My advice would actually be to talk about it with the therapist. I'm sure they would understand it and it could be a fruitful thing to talk about, if you trust the therapist enough. It's unlikely something between a patient and a therapist will happen, although it's certainly not unheard of. But basically it would be seriously unethical for the therapist and probably unhealthy for the patient and for your therapist/patient relationship.

As for me, I am not interested in my therapist in that way at all, even though she is somewhat attractive. I see her as a maternal figure.


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## odd_one_out

I think it can be dangerous to mental health if you fall in love with them. Mine must have been really unattractive to me and incompatible with me because I didn't develop such feelings despite being primed for it. I think some socially isolated people can be vulnerable to developing such feelings and mistaking interest, compassion, and empathy for love and attraction. I also don't think professionals realise there's such a vulnerability in this group. Crushes might also get in the way by distracting you from the process. Anyway, if any make advances it's a big no no. I think it's considered a form of abuse because it can have devastating consequences.


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## percyblueraincoat

*hmm*

As a trainee, my signature is on a very long document which includes within it the undertaking that I will not have a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone I treat or work with in a therapy capacity for six months after the completion of that therapy or change work.

Therapy brings up emotions and feelings as part of the healing process so crushes can sometimes happen. Hey, I'm a handsome guy (so says my Mum) and I'm sure a lot of my female therapy clients will remark to their friends how they swooned the moment they entered my office and didn't do so because of that dodgy aftershave I got from the supermarket that makes me smell of motor oil mixed with curry.

Finding someone sexy or attractive is a natural thing and it's fine to have crushes. But be mindful of transference and the fact that any decent therapist would rather saw their own arm off then create such a conflict of interest. They are there in a healing role. Not necessarily just there because you're paying them to listen. But they work with you not on you and as a guide for the healing process within you which has already begun.


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## Cepp

Once I'm in the room and start talking about stuff those thoughts tend to give way pretty quickly, mostly because sessions are so short or maybe because it's the first time I've actually managed to open up to someone, the time just flies and it's over before it started.

Anyway, I don't think anything will happen, she was just on my mind more than usual last night.


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## Black_Widow

I began to experience this kind of thing once. Early last year, when I was on a waiting list for NHS CBT treatment for a second time around (which never came about in the end for a couple different reasons) I had to attend an assessment appointment at the therapy service clinic I'd been referred to with a male mental health professional. I think he was a psychologist or something along those lines. 

Anyways, ahead of time I was very nervous about seeing him. In part because I was worried about that exact thing happening! As knew there was a chance it could. And my track record of working effectively with members of the opposite sex who I find attractive is not good. Inevitably this has happened to me at times in actual work situations. And each time it sets off alot of obsessive thoughts and feelings, alongside strong SA symptoms, whether I am or am not around the person - which also strongly negatively impacts on my ability to communicate face to face with them. I was worried the same thing would happen this time. And it did start to, although not quite in the way I expected. 

Normally this is what happens when I meet somebody and instantly realise I have a strong physical attraction to them. In this instance, when first meeting the guy, it immediately struck me he wasn't my physical type. I remember initially feeling very relieved at realising this, as I was thinking along the line's of "thank god I don't fancy him. That means I can probably feel comfortable enough around him to answer his questions coherently throughout the session." However, the problem snuck up on me quite a bit later on, when I started to realise he had a really warm, calm, caring kind of manner that I was attracted to (plus noticed he had a really nice smile). I knew that this came out of professional interest. And didn't believe it meant anything else. But even so, it still had the effect on me it did. To my shock, I suddenly realised I was having starter crush type thoughts about him after we'd finished the session - which carried on for quite a few days after I'd seen him. This disturbed me alot. As it was unexpected, and I knew the circumstances were totally inappropriate. Not sure to this day whether or not he'd have been the actual person to have carried out my CBT treatment - if certain circumstances hadn't since occurred that led to me changing my mind about using the service. But if he had, I think I probably would have had to ask to see a women therapist, and just given my reasons as feeling more comfortable speaking to somebody of the same sex. I would have felt bad. Because I got the impression he was extremely good at his job and a very nice guy. But I knew if I started seeing him regularly this could potentially become a big problem. As it would have been far too much of a distraction for me to be able to properly concentrate on any actual therapy work we did - which for me would mean little progress. Not to mention the awkwardness it would have most likely caused the poor guy in doing his job if he'd ever picked up on it! Which in the end I believe he most likely would have. Or at least would have suspected it.


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## caflme

No, I've had 3 over the last 14 years and it never happened for me... thankfully. One was a priest, one was a woman and one was not my type at all... I guess I've been lucky.


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## Pam

I saw a therapist about 10 yrs ago and, like Black Widow, the first time I saw him, I was relieved to see he wasn't someone I'd be attracted to at all. And as a matter of fact. I thought he was gay (the way he walked, spoke, carried himself, his aura, his unique & stylish taste office decor,and he was really feminine. Sorry for stereotyping, but later he even told me he knows he can easily be mistaken for being gay) So I really thought there won't be any silly transference crush.

Boy was I ever wrong! Then a couple months later, i found out he was married--and to a woman! I was so jealous I could barely stand it. I got over it after a few months tho. For me, part of the fantasy was that he was going to save me by loving me....but believe me, if we had acted on it, I know it would have caused me more damage than the "heartbreak" I felt.

I don't know if you want advice, but mine is to stay patient/therapist. A relationship might sound nice now, but they always end and imagine how you'd feel then. Like suing them. If it's just sexual, then I say there's nothing wrong with imagination, just don't act on it.

As far as telling her how you feel, I did that, and he started uncomfortably squirming around in his chair and then cut the session short. To this day i don't know why--at the time I felt horribly rejected!!! (Maybe no one ever had a crush on him before and he didn't know how to handle that, IDK)


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## Misanthropic

I was forced to go to a fine therapist when I was younger.


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## MrDisaffected

Nope, but I wish I had been, would have made therapy more appealing!


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## MrDisaffected

Misanthropic

"forced", suuure pal  Hehe


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## Just Lurking

I've never been attracted to any therapist or counsellor I've seen... If I was, I'd switch to someone else... That would probably be a little too distracting~


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## General Specific

No because my therapist is a guy and I'm into girls.


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## mrbojangles

I was attracted to the first counselor I ever went to. She was a student working on her degree, and I was one of her first clients. She was originally from Colombia, and very physically beautiful. Plus she had a Latin sensibility which made her very easy to talk to. She wasn't that much older than me, so I never really felt comfortable opening up to her on an emotional level. Most of the time we just talked about music, movies, and other random things lol. It was cool to realize that I helped her as well. Like I mentioned before, I was one of her first clients, and sometimes she would mention how nervous she would get with certain clients. I guess my shyness put her at ease :stu 

I stopped going after a while. It was kind of expensive, and I didn't think it was worth it at the time. It was nice having someone to talk to about my life though.


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## RyeCatcher86

Nah. My therapist's a dude. Though he is really attractive.


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## Green Eyes

I had a crush on a therapist I had two years ago. I was in a clinic for a year and he was one of the therapist who worked there. He was 10 years older than me. It wasn't really good for my therapy. I didn't like it that I had a crush on him, because it felt like I wasn't allowed to have that on him or something. I was too scared to talk about it with anyone. Should have done that. It was really bothering me at that time. Now I have another therapist, I have never seen him since I left the clinic and I don't really think about him anymore. Luckily now I have a female therapist, so I can't get a crush on her. It's so not fun to have a crush on your therapist. At least not for me.


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## jessckuh

I was attracted to my counselor. She was HOT! UGH! I even dreamed about her once and everytime I saw her I thought to myself "I wish I'd looked like her" 

That was it though. No scary stuff like trying to touch her or fliriting. Aren't we too shy to do anything dangerous anyways? lol


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## HumanWonder

Oh definitely. I'm not wishing something would happen because he's married and I know if someone found out he could be fired, but throughout my session I have to remind myself to stop fantasizing about him. 

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to your therapist, but I suggest finding a different therapist if your attraction is getting in the way of the effectiveness your therapy.


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## Under17

If something were to happen, that'd be great. I don't really care about rules of professionality and there's plenty of teachers I wanted to bone. Once again, the ads on this site are making me lol, .004 condoms? Really?


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## contranigma

No.


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## senrab

No, I am extremely curious about her, though. I think about her a lot. I have begun to discuss this with her. She told me it was very brave of me to actually discuss her *with* her....she says a lot of clients won't do that. I am hetero, but for a while I was confused about my feelings for a while there. I have read a lot of other people's stories on a psych board and they feel like their relationship with their therapist is like a maternal one. I see mine as a teacher/student relationship.


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## layitontheline

Yeah. Well, I was. I was 16ish, and she was in her 30s. She was my CBT therapist. What a babe. I still remember her high heels. Those dresses she always wore. I should go back to her...


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## wxolue

I can't understand people's warnings about the "dangers" of having a relationship with your therapist. Sure it could be bad to act on feelings that might not be mutual, and sure it may damage their career if it gets out (not sure how it would), but since when has that stopped people from having affairs or flings with other people? It wont damage you (mentally) any more than you already are.

I have not had a therapist I've been attracted to, nor have I had one that's attractive.


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## jimmythekid

I've found a couple of my previous pdocs attractive but haven't had any romantic attraction to them.
I did have a crush on a GP I saw once though. I got a little obsessed.


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## senrab

wxolue said:


> I can't understand people's warnings about the "dangers" of having a relationship with your therapist. Sure it could be bad to act on feelings that might not be mutual, and sure it may damage their career if it gets out (not sure how it would), but since when has that stopped people from having affairs or flings with other people? It wont damage you (mentally) any more than you already are.
> 
> I have not had a therapist I've been attracted to, nor have I had one that's attractive.


I believe it's actually considered by the mental health profession to be a form of abuse. But I get your point...yes, when has the threat of a career ending stopped anyone?


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