# Well, my life is over.



## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

I failed all my classes this semester. All for stupid reasons like not turning in final essays and skipping a final.

But Allison, you may ask, why on earth would you do such a foolish thing?

I dunno. By the time finals rolled around I'd been locked in my room for about three weeks solid (skipped class for weeks), I had no idea what any of the finals actually contained, and was having panic attacks at the thought of leaving the house. When I was trying to complete the papers, I was so thoroughly convinced of my imminent failure that I could barely get past the second or third page. 

I have no idea what to do. My ambitions have always hinged on getting my bachelors degree and then going to graduate school. I'll never get into a graduate school now - that's assuming I even get my bachelors.

Tentative plans:

1. inpatient treatment at a psychiatric hospital
- But I must wait until after Christmas. I ruined my brother's birthday once at the age of 15 by attempting suicide the night before, I will not ruin Christmas. Even if I am pretty consistently suicidal.
2. take a semester off
- I'm already behind schedule. Academics is the only thing that keeps me going, otherwise I'm just overwhelmed with depression.
3. drop out
- And shame my family by being the only one since my grandparents to not graduate college? Unlikely. I don't think my parents would allow it.
4. never reveal grades, take next semester as if nothing has happened
- Extreme risk of the exact same thing happening again.

I have no idea what to do.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

Wow. That's unbelievably sucky and I am sorry you are going through this. I know you like your program and you seem like a dedicated student.

Do you think inpatient treatment would help you? I mean, have you tried things like that before? I'm not sure what goes on there, but I would imagine you would need to weigh your needs with what you could gain by admitting yourself.

I have no, no, no idea if this is possible at your school, but I had a friend who went through a severe depression and totes bombed all his classes one semester. I don't know exactly how it happened, but he somehow got the grades to not count for his GPA? I think he saw a school counsellor and advisor and stuff and explained the situation. He was able to transfer to another school and still got in, since that semester didn't kill his transcript. It might be something worth looking into, if you want to go to grad school and want to keep steady marks.

Do you know what you would do if you took a semester off? If academics is what usually keeps you going, I would try and make sure you have a plan and goals you want to achieve if you take a semester break. I've known that to help some people though, to put things back into perspective.

Good luck. I really really really hope things work out okay for you.


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## Rubisco (Nov 20, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear this. I imagine it'd be terrifying, especially since you had no control over it... you also sound like me-- a lover of academics with plans for grad school who would be mortified to fail a class (or in my case, even make an A-). 

Taking a semester off to recover sounds like a great idea. Even though you may feel the pressure to finish school in the standard amount of time, don't let it break you. Your well-being in the long run is more important than finishing college in exactly 4 years or less. From what I hear most people don't finish in that amount of time, and it doesn't hurt them in their careers.

I agree with Perfectionist. Talk to an advisor, dean, or someone else with authority and plead your case. It sounds like it was totally beyond your control. If you can get a professor to vouch for you and say that you were doing well in classes up until this attack, you might get some sort of solution.

By the way, kudos to you for being such a selfless person and deciding not to ruin Christmas for your family! Takes a strong and upstanding person to realize that.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Oh bezoomny,I've read so many of your posts the last couple of years-I've always so admired your obvious intelligence. I know without a doubt you'll work past this one way or another. Someone with your intellect,character,humor-you are BOUND to be successful in your life. This is only a bump in the road,your family is so fortunate to have you. Please let us know what's going on and how you are.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

I'm really sorry to hear this, but you shouldn't give up hope. Treat yourself first, then get back to school. Grad schools are understanding of "problem" semesters like yours. Forget about school and worry about getting better, and after you are, you'll see that there are still many opportunities available to you.


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## pacoismybear (Dec 8, 2010)

You know what? I'm pretty sure that most schools do allow you to submit a letter to the dean asking to have those classes completely taken off of your transcript. You would just have to cite medical problems, personal issues or something like that, but I'm sure in your case they would probably consider doing this. But definately talk to a counselor. Although if I were in your position, I would opt for option #4 and never reveal my grades to my family until I had things smoothed out. Its true that family can help you through tough times, but sometimes they don't need to know all of the details, especially if you say they would be REALLY disappointed...it may just add to your stress level. Good luck.


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## MindOverMood (Dec 12, 2009)

Hope things work out for you, stay strong:rub


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## Giraffe (Sep 7, 2010)

Yes, get yourself some professional help, and then petition to have the term stricken from your record. If anyone ever questions the gap, all you need say is that you were having health problems.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

I don't have anything constructive to add, just want to say good luck with whatever you choose. Also your life isn't over, I felt like mine was after I flunked a bunch of classes (didn't have a medical reason, I was just stupid/lazy) but it was just a bump in the road.


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## thewall (Feb 1, 2009)

my heart goes out to you. i hope you can just take a break for awhile and get everything worked out. i'm sure you will be able to redeem yourself in future semesters once you're back in the right frame of mind for school.


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## Rizo (Dec 12, 2010)

Wow that is awful, especially all your classes. I did the same thing in my second year, but I only failed 2 classes. I was so home-stuck that I went through the same thing as you, didn't know what was going on with regard to the material, didn't have the motive to learn it etc etc. Time was running out and I flaked on one of my finals, and on the other I didn't even know the date I felt so ashamed looking up my exam schedule. 

I enrolled in a different program and haven't let that happen since. I wish you all the best...and from personal experience, take a break but DO SOMETHING with that time, try your best not to sit at home and wallow away otherwise you'll never go back. I took that summer to go travel and "find myself" came back a semi-new man. I hope you can do the same, good luck girl!


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

lonelyjew said:


> I'm really sorry to hear this, but you shouldn't give up hope. Treat yourself first, then get back to school. Grad schools are understanding of "problem" semesters like yours. Forget about school and worry about getting better, and after you are, you'll see that there are still many opportunities available to you.


Definitely treat yourself first. School can wait a semester. Something needs to be realigned. It will take a bit of time to undo the negative thinking that led to the agoraphobia. It can be undone, but there is time involved.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

You seem to be a very bright person. Now granted, I don't know anything about graduate school and how they do their thing, but surely if they talk to you, meet you, get your story, etc., then they will _know_ they have on their hands someone who _belongs_ in graduate school?

How well did you do in your previous semesters? I was thinking maybe if you were to talk to someone about it, you could start with a professor you've previously had... and get some advice from someone who knows you, your work ethic, and what you're capable of.

It's not the end of the road... It's just a speedbump.


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## Kwtrader (Oct 10, 2007)

i did something similar in my senior year of college i just skipped the last 2-3 weeks of two of my classes which means i miss the finals i was basically just struggling with anxiety and not sure what i wanted to do with my life. 

so i was too scared to look at my grades. when i did eventually look at my grades instead of F's my teachers had mercy and gave me "I"'s for incomplete (did not affect my gpa) which i did'nt even know they could do so i was quite happy and relieved. so good luck i hope ur school does "I"'s too. mine was some state college.


anyway it is a good idea to work on your social problems/improving social skills first before continuing with college. i feel i would have been much farther ahead if i had great social skills and no degree as oppose to no social skills and a degree.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. 
No doubt you are getting better advice from the other posters here than you will get from me, but I value your posts and your obvious intelligence should not go to waste - the world needs people like you in it. So, here is my opinion:

Get help. you will self combust if you try to continue like this. I know it's difficult and scary, but I think your best bet is to tell your family about the difficulties you are having. It's either that or try to continue to pretend that you're maintaining, which clearly you are not. I urge you to start telling people of your truth.

Doing so, "admitting" that you are having these problems doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human. It means that you are taking necessary steps to ensure that you are able to live the kind of life you want, later down the line. So, no matter how you think your family and others may take it, no matter if you're afraid they will see you as a failure, you really have to do it because it does NOT mean that is what you are. But if you try to continue to lead this double life which is so obviously causing you untold pain, then it could guarantee that you WILL become a failure later. You don't need that kind of stress. I cannot imagine how it must be for you, living in that kind of pressure cooker. 
So, start reaching out. There are counsellors, you can google support groups, any family members you can tell about this, any and all avenues of support and help you can think of - begin to do it. You have to start somewhere. I think it would be a good idea for you to put education on a back burner for a while and get the help you need first. 
Please believe me when I say, you are _young_. You CAN go back, when you are ready. Take this grain of truth from a 46 year old. You can go back, you really do have plenty of time.

And here's a shocker: it sounds to me that maybe, _just maybe_, after you do the seeking of help and sorting yourself out life-wise, that you do not want to do the things you've been doing. What if you're a square peg trying to shoehorn yourself into a round hole? Are you doing the whole college thing because that's what your whole family has always done? Have you ever given yourself time to figure out if that's really what YOU want to do? Given yourself permission to maybe do something different? It's ultimately your life, not anyone else's. Maybe you need a year off to see what else the world has to offer. Maybe you need to travel. Maybe work for a while and plan a temporary escape to experience something different. All I'm saying is, there is a hint in your post that everything you do has always been assumed. Sort of expected, planned out, by association, for you. There are plenty of areas in which someone with your intelligence would be needed. Plenty of ways in which you could utilize it. 
It just may be that your not being able to leave the house, not wanting to know about finals and the like is due to something unspoken and unacknowledged.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I agree with Leo, and I think taking a semester off, seeking help in that period and then seeing where you actually want to go from there would be the best option. Failing a semester of studies is seriously no big deal, there are ways around that and getting your academic life back on track. I failed a semester in my first year of uni but I still graduated even if 6 months later and it has not affected my chances after graduation so do not get worked up over that.

De-stress, put study on hold, get some help and just concentrate on that without worrying about other things,


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## nycdude (Mar 20, 2010)

i am in a similar situation, i failed 2 classes and passed 2. The reason i failed was i either did not feel like going to school or i did not pass a test due to not studying. Plus i did not get any help either like going to my schools learning center.


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## Ambivert (Jan 16, 2010)

That sounds tempting. Maybe I should just drop my class next semester, I really am not interested in the education system anymore. I already have a degree for fracks sake and I still haven't found what I like! I'm getting tired of being pegged into the education system and being molded into a good little cog for the societal machine. But there's no other alternative...hunter-gatherer lifestyle?? That would suck too... I'd have to skin a beaver and make a pelt out of it for clothing then live in a log cabin and collect small berries around my cabin for sustenance.


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## quietgal (Oct 18, 2007)

Sorry to hear that, I know a little how you feel. At the end of every semester I just kind of drag myself over the finish line by doing the bare minimum. At times I fantasize about just dropping out or whatever. Even if you like what you're doing overall, it all seems so pointless sometimes. I think you may definitely need some time off from the exams and the paper-writing and deadlines, but that doesn't mean you have to give up academics while you're away. You can still read and learn and work on things outside of school, as long as you have access to an academic library.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Oh dear. 

Well, for starters, you need to apply for academic consideration. Go see a professional and have them write your school a letter explaining your mental state and they may very well wipe this from your transcript depending on what the doctor/therapist says and how compassionate the review committee is. 

Only you know what's best. My agoraphobia is chronic and when I took a semester off I just got incredibly worse. Our roots are different though. I merged back in by taking distance ed. courses through the university which kept my mind busy and still in academic mode but I could hole up as much as I wanted. 

It's not the end of the world. You can recover from this. In the very worst case scenario you just rethink your path. I too had a plan and I had to change it thanks to chronic anxiety trouble. I'm still grieving over medical school but life does go on and we find other things to make us happy. You can still do this, I know it.


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## helicon1 (Apr 15, 2005)

I'd echo the sentiments about taking some time off. Also, as seafolly said getting a letter from a professional would be a good route to go. This doesn't have to stay on your academic transcript. I know because I'm a current grad student who was in the same situation. 

About 5 years ago I failed an entire semester just because I stopped going to class the last month and skipped all my finals. I should have went and got that letter from a professional, but at the time didn't really care much about anything, and had no intentions of going to grad school. I was lucky enough to get a letter after the fact from a doctor who I had seen 2 or 3 times, a year or so before that. I was surprised he even remembered me all those years later, but he had no problem with writing me a letter. So I wouldn't worry too much about the academic side of things right now.


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## rcapo89 (Jun 3, 2009)

OP did you receive my PM?


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## Darksideofthemoon (Oct 22, 2010)

wow bezoomny, this situation you're in sounds very similar to what I went through during the fall semester. I had started out the semester great but the last 2 months were horrible. I forced myself to attend a few finals but missed a few others because my attacks had gotten so bad when I left the house. I also missed presentations and only passed 1 class. I'm already 2 years behind and am thinking of taking the semester off as well to straighten my life off, as well as the fact I might not be able to attend because my grades were so bad.

So don't worry you're not alone, and good luck to you. get professional help, talk to somebody on campus to try and take the grades off your transcript, and possibly try online classes.


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## julie14401 (Jan 10, 2011)

Don't give up. Your life is far from over. College is very difficult for me also but the thing that keeps me going is the fact we will only be in college for around 6 or 7% of our lives. You have lived many years before college and you will live for many more years after college. In ten years from now, once you are married with children, college will just seem like a tiny speck on a huge piece of paper. 4 to 6 years is really no time at all. If you are afraid that next semester will be the same as your last one, there is no shame in going to community college for a few semester and then transferring back. Do whatever you have to do to graduate.


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## ready (Sep 2, 2009)

This is late, but I'd say take a semester off, get treatment/do something else constructive with your time, and start again when you feel ready.


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## zappy (Feb 19, 2011)

I failed classes my last semester of undergrad, yet still managed to graduate. I did some traveling for a year....when I came back, those problems were still waiting for me. I wouldn't trade my travel experiences for anything, but it's still going to haunt you when you try again.

I want to apply for grad school, but am settling now for taking a few online graduate classes. The only thing I found that helps is to have someone to prod you--I get scared to look at class emails, etc., so I have my boyfriend do it sometimes. It's weird because I was perfectionistic and got amazing grades my whole life until college. 

Good luck to you, know others have rebounded, and you can do it!


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