# Obsession With Schizophrenia/Losing My Mind



## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

This post is a bit long but I wanted to include
everything. I BEG those of you diagnosed with a
psychotic-spectrum illness to read through and
respond. And anyone with any insight at all, feel free to respond. You would be doing me an enormous good.

For the past 14 months I have become increasingly
obsessed with the idea of developing
schizophrenia/psychois. I'm currently 24. Throughout
childhood I've always been somewhat withdrawn and
shy, and actually dropped out of high school due to
social anxiety. I went back and graduated and then
went to community college and graduated. Currently
unemployed due to anxiety/depression issues. I spend
a good part of my days looking up information and
taking online tests regarding schizophrenia. 
I've always been somewhat anxious, but it has never
been disabling until the past 6 or so months. I have
days where I struggle to get through simple tasks
like doing the dishes or folding laundry without
having severe anxiety and then follows depression.
This has caused me to increasingly avoid these
activities thus increasing my anxiety. 

I had begun a course of Zoloft roughly 5 months ago and have had
some success, but I'm definitely not feeling like I
used to. I've been having varying degrees of
disturbed sleep for the past 6 months: vivid bad
dreaming, occasionally having the 'feeling' of
beginning my dream cycle before I'm fully asleep
(this lasts only a few seconds but is still very
disturbing and unpleasant).

My biological mother (I was adopted) was diagnosed as
schizo-affective in her late thirties. She becomes
manic-psychotic. There is some question about whether
her illness was drug-induced as she had abused
anti-psychotics through her late teens, twenties and
thirties without actually needing them (don't ask me
why).

What makes me really panic and start to believe that
I am prodromal is that I will sometimes get a thought
in my head (could be paranoid, could be totally
nonsensical) like "omg, my pet lizard is going to
kill me" and I can't get it unstuck, and then I'll
start to believe that I believe it, then it passes.
These irrational thoughts tend to be very reactive to
the situation I am in and tend to ricochet off of one
another (one leads to another) but are never
significant enough that I actually remember them a short time later; they come and go and vary on topic. They are usually accompanied by some degree of panic or fear. Also, sometimes if I am very tired or before falling
asleep, my brain composes geometric patterns or
rudimentary pictures of basic objects using the
static of my closed eyes. Also, sometimes when I am
looking at anything I will get a sort of unconscious
thought/feeling which will cause panic that I think
it is something else for a split second which makes
me feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes for a
fraction of a second I will look at something, such
as a stick and think it's a snake for example, and
this is usually accompanied by fear. Also, I
sometimes have a 'stuck in my head' kind of feeling.

I am so terrified of losing my mind it is all I think
about most of the day. My wife is annoyed from my
constant need for reassurance that I am not going
crazy and my endless barrage of questions about my
behavior and talking. She is very perceptive and has
repeatedly assured me that I am not becoming ill. The
fear has consumed me for so many months, I'm at a
loss. I simply want to become ill if I am going to,
or just have this fear end.

I should also say that I have been to two
psychiatrists and two family physicians who all
assure me that I do not appear to be developing a
psychosis. The last psychiatrist I visited diagnosed
me as having hypochondria. I'm still not convinced,
as noted above.

In short, does what I describe sound like what any of
you experienced before having your first psychotic
break? And also, before having your first psychotic
break, did any of you OBSESS and FEAR that you were
going to become ill or 'lose your mind'?
Please respond. You would be doing me an enormous favor.

Thank you.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

I've had an OCD obsession dealing with schizophrenia before. Are you familiar with Pure O? It's basically getting obsessive thoughts or fears stuck in your head that you just can't seem to let go; to the point where your mind seems to bring it up at all times, without you even wanting to think about it. The reason for this was that I at one time heard people where I life call me names all the time, everywhere I went. I thought I was having a psychotic episode. There's much more to it, but basically, this disorder has done it's very best to make me feel that whatever I fear at the time is real, even though it's not. Obviously, I can't diagnose you, but since your psychiatrists and family physicians have told you that you are not being psychotic (the same thing that they told me btw), I think there's a safe chance to say that you are not going insane, but that you might have a different anxiety disorder like OCD. 
The unconscious fears and thoughts you get all seem very familiar to me, as does the worrying about stuff. The thing you mentioned about forming patterns etc., also is a common trait in OCD.
Thing i'd like to know is; when you look at a stick and fear it's a snake, do you actually totally 100% believe it is a snake for a second, or do you get a random thought in your head, accompanied by fear that tries to convince you of that?


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

whattothink said:


> In short, does what I describe sound like what any of
> you experienced before having your first psychotic
> break? And also, before having your first psychotic
> break, did any of you OBSESS and FEAR that you were
> ...


I do not have experience in this personally. I am a trained medical specialist.

It sounds like you are describing something similar to a mood disorder, and you are experiencing psychosis, however, you can't have schizophrenia unless you hear voices and sounds that do not exist, or in other words, you imagined them.

Typically, "loosing your mind" can be associated with stress.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Metalunatic said:


> Thing i'd like to know is; when you look at a stick and fear it's a snake, do you actually totally 100% believe it is a snake for a second, or do you get a random thought in your head, accompanied by fear that tries to convince you of that?


Thanks very much for the informative reply. Yes, I absolutely know that it is not a snake. It is just the random thought/fear. This leads me to conclude that I am becoming crazy which causes more anxiety and more fear.

I have not ever heard any voices or had hallucinations, but I am more or less expecting them to begin.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

ourwater said:


> I do not have experience in this personally. I am a trained medical specialist.
> 
> It sounds like you are describing something similar to a mood disorder, and you are experiencing psychosis...


What?! You think I AM experiencing psychosis? Please tell me that was a typo...


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

I didn't think that I was having psychosis at this point, I was in fear that I will develop it in the future.

As an example, this is an online test that I frequently take, it tests for early psychosis:

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/misc-tests/schizophrenia-test/

According to this test, it does not appear that I am suffering from psychosis. I scored a 4.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

whattothink said:


> What?! You think I AM experiencing psychosis? Please tell me that was a typo...


A typo in that little sentence? What would it possibly mean? 

Psychosis is pretty common. People with the flu can experience flu induced psychosis. The reason that I say it sounds like you are describing a disorder is the fact you are medicating the problem, so I suspect something is going on.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

whattothink said:


> Thanks very much for the informative reply. Yes, I absolutely know that it is not a snake. It is just the random thought/fear. This leads me to conclude that I am becoming crazy which causes more anxiety and more fear.
> 
> I have not ever heard any voices or had hallucinations, but I am more or less expecting them to begin.


Alright, what you are describing is exactly how I experience my "intrusive thoughts", which are basically random, unwelcome, involuntary thoughts that make no sense to you as a person whatsoever and as a result cause you fear/anxiety because you are sitting there wondering why you have them in the first place and why they affect you so much even though you know it's not true. Trust me, i've definitly felt like I was losing my mind because of it at times. To name an example; at one time I feared getting a cerebral hemorrhage because I had read somewhere that headbanging could cause that. Every time I headbanged, I seemed to feel that I got physical symptoms that fit the description of a cerebral hemorrhage. As soon as I forgot about that fear, these "symptoms" went away. Same with a heartattack; they made a film of my heart, and it turns out I was worrying so much that I was simply hyperventilating.
If not schizophrenia or psychosis, has any of the psychiatrists/physicians ever mentioned anything to you about what you *could* have?


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## HarryHaller (Dec 23, 2011)

ourwater said:


> I do not have experience in this personally. I am a trained medical specialist.
> 
> It sounds like you are describing something similar to a mood disorder, and you are experiencing psychosis, however, you can't have schizophrenia unless you hear voices and sounds that do not exist, or in other words, you imagined them.
> 
> Typically, "loosing your mind" can be associated with stress.


You sir, are either a charlitain or just foolish. "Trained medical specialist" - get off this board, telling this kid "you are experiencing psychosis". Care to substantiate your professional assessment?

OP, while I can't say your fears are completely unfounded, I will say that I have worried about developing a psychotic disorder a lot in the past, looked up the criteria, obsessed ad nauseam. In my case this has largely been a result of worry and obsessionality. _A common feature of anxiety disorders is a fear of losing one's mind_, and delving into psychopathology and trying to find evidence that you're becoming psychotic can make one more vigilant and worried about any sign it's actually happening, even inconsequential, benign cognitive-perceptual experiences. Does this make sense?

While I totally relate to this post, please direct your concerns to a psychiatrist or mental health professional; the alarmist responses you may get on here will probably intensify your concerns.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Well, I'm not experiencing psychosis right now and have not in the past. It bothers me that you so freely exclaim that I am crazy when that is my deepest and most consuming fear. I've been to two psychiatrists who told me I do not appear to be developing psychosis.

I merely wanted helpful insight from people who are/have experienced similar problems that I have, people who have been psychotic, or someone who generally has something constructive to say. What, specifically, causes you to believe that I am experiencing psychosis? 

I am not self-medicating. I do not smoke, drink or do other illicit drugs and have not done so heavily in the past (aside from a bit of binge drinking for a year or so early in university). My doctor prescribed Zoloft to help with what he says is anxiety and depression.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Metalunatic said:


> If not schizophrenia or psychosis, has any of the psychiatrists/physicians ever mentioned anything to you about what you *could* have?


One diagnosed me as being hypochondriac, and had mentioned panic attacks/depression/generalized anxiety.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

HarryHaller said:


> You sir, are either a charlitain or just foolish. "Trained medical specialist" - get off this board, telling this kid "you are experiencing psychosis". Care to substantiate your professional assessment?


I never said that, so I'm not sure what exactly your quote means, or how it relates to my schooling. There are types of depression that involve psychosis. Go do your phishing elsewhere.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

whattothink said:


> One diagnosed me as being hypochondriac, and had mentioned panic attacks/depression/generalized anxiety.


Right, i'm guessing stuff like this is common in anxiety disorder, not just OCD then. It might really be worth it to have it checked out then, because knowing what's wrong with you is much better than having to keep on wondering, and I speak from experience there.



ourwater said:


> I never said that, so I'm not sure what exactly your quote means, or how it relates to my schooling.


You did:


ourwater said:


> It sounds like you are describing something similar to a mood disorder, *and you are experiencing psychosis*, however, you can't have schizophrenia unless you hear voices and sounds that do not exist, or in other words, you imagined them.


I also disagree with that someone who has schizophrenia has to have auditory or visual hallucinations. There's a bunch of symptoms for it, other than that. Just like someone can have hallucinations without being schizophrenic, so can someone be schizophrenic without hallucinations, which is why I think HarryHaller called you a charlitain.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

I think a critical factor for psychosis is the loss of insight. While I do not feel that this is declining, and I pride myself on insight into my own behavior and others', I fear that at some point it will disappear and I will become a confused, helpless pawn in the onslaught of nonsensical thoughts. 

An important factor in my mother's case is that there is some question about whether or not it was drug-induced. And, in her case, she jumps into a psychotic episode instantly. There is no gradual deterioration. One day she is 100% well, and that evening she is manic-psychotic. She does not seem to have any negative symptoms or residual psychotic symptoms common in schizophrenia. Her diagnosis varies between bipolar and schizo-affective.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

Metalunatic said:


> You did:


Word for word in the other post I did not, because my post was never quoted. It was an obvious attack of my status as a professional.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Please stop the derailment


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## HarryHaller (Dec 23, 2011)

OP, this is a terribly worrisome and frightening thing, this apprehension that you will lose your mind and become psychotic, but this board is not going to clarify things for you. Your doctors sound credible. Use your insight to manage this, which you aptly noted truly psychotic folks often don't have.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

But to the folks who have experienced a break-down, I would really appreciate your experiences. Did you obsess and fear that you were going to become ill before you did? Or did it blindside you?


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## HarryHaller (Dec 23, 2011)

ourwater said:


> Word for word in the other post I did not, because my post was never quoted. It was an obvious attack of my status as a professional.


Not personal, dude, but your perplexing denial of things you clearly posted on this thread is alarming. I encourage you to not give medical advice or tout that you are a "professional", as it may be harmful to others.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

HarryHaller said:


> Not personal, dude, but your perplexing denial of things you clearly posted on this thread is alarming. I encourage you to not give medical advice or tout that you are a "professional", as it may be harmful to others.


Your misinterpreting my post like others. Take the OP advice and stop derailing the thread please.



whattothink said:


> I've been having varying degrees of
> disturbed sleep for the past 6 months: vivid bad
> dreaming, occasionally having the 'feeling' of
> beginning my dream cycle before I'm fully asleep
> ...


I would discuss this more with your doctor, especially if you haven't already.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

ourwater said:


> Word for word in the other post I did not, because my post was never quoted. It was an obvious attack of my status as a professional.


I don't think he was attacking your "status as a professional" at all, just what you said to the OP.



whattothink said:


> But to the folks who have experienced a break-down, I would really appreciate your experiences. Did you obsess and fear that you were going to become ill before you did? Or did it blindside you?


I think you might find people's experiences to be too varied to get an accurate answer. Also, the one thing that will help is getting yourself sorted out by a psychologist/psychiatrist, not by us on this board. The thing with a psychosis is simply put that you don't know the difference between what is real and what isn't anymore, which you obviously still do, so it's safe to say that you're not psychotic. I think my psychologist once said when I had this fear "if you truly were psychotic, you most likely wouldn't be worrying about being psychotic."


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

ourwater said:


> Your misinterpreting my post like others. Take the OP advice and stop derailing the thread please.
> 
> I would discuss this more with your doctor, especially if you haven't already.


I would say the derailment began with you. I have mentioned this to my doctor and has said this happens with severe anxiety/depression. Serotonin is very important in regulating sleep, and depression causes altered serotonin levels.

No offense, and not to depreciate your record as a medical professional, but is your training focused on mental health or did you briefly touch on the topic? Because it does not seem like you are terribly knowledgeable of psychosis and your advice is bordering on misinformation. As another poster said, to a delicate audience, misinformation can be devastating and should be avoided. So unless you really know what you're talking about, some things are better left unsaid.

Could a mod please clean this up a bit?


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## basuraeuropea (Jul 25, 2012)

ourwater said:


> I do not have experience in this personally. I am a trained medical specialist.
> 
> It sounds like you are describing something similar to a mood disorder, and you are experiencing psychosis, however, you can't have schizophrenia unless you hear voices and sounds that do not exist, or in other words, you imagined them.
> 
> Typically, "loosing your mind" can be associated with stress.


you're absolutely wrong, ourwater. one suffering from schizophrenia, nor psychosis for that matter, may not "hear voices and sounds that do not exist," but rather vary in terms of symptomatology present. the psychotic range may include one to all of the following: hallucinations, delusions, catatonia, and/or disordered thought. schizophrenia has an even more restricted set of criteria.



ourwater said:


> The reason that I say it sounds like you are describing a disorder is the fact you are medicating the problem, so I suspect something is going on.


and she isn't medicating a psychotic-related disorder, she's taking an ssri, and the taking of an ssri does not necessarily correlate to the development nor the predisposition of a psychotic-spectrum disorder and even if it did, correlation does not imply causation. and nor does taking an ssri "mask the problem," as that class of medications isn't used for said disorders.

and ourwater, by your own admission you haven't completed nursing school, and even those who are registered nurses do not have the skill set to diagnose between the psychotic spectra of disorders, and i would imagine that most general practitioners might have a difficult time differentiating between, say, schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder, for example. so you, as a medical assistant or a phlebotomist, or whatever 'medically professional' title you hold at the moment, are definitely not qualified to diagnose, much less based on one post.

to the OP - you certainly don't come across as suffering from a psychotic-spectrum disorder now as ourwater has suggested.


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## ourwater (Jun 2, 2012)

Good luck with your schizophrenia diagnostic OP, and I hope things work out for you. The public mod clean up announcement was cute.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

****Thread Lock Advisory****
Keep this thread on topic please. There have been some non-sequitur posting that isn't needed.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Discovered a few good tidbits of information to allay my fears for the day. Apparently they have created a new diagnosis for potential schizophrenic prodromes to be included in the 2013 DSM. It'll be called attenuated psychosis syndrome. After looking over the criteria, I do not match any of the symptoms. And even if one does, there is only a 10-25% chance that the individual goes on to develop schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder.

If anyone is interested, here is my source:

http://www.dsm5.org/proposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=412

Also, I read that as there are a number of genes involved in the development of schizophrenia. Offspring of those diagnosed schizophrenic tend to suffer from depression, panic disorder and social difficulties more than the general population.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

whattothink said:


> Also, sometimes if I am very tired or before falling
> asleep, my brain composes geometric patterns or
> rudimentary pictures of basic objects using the
> static of my closed eyes. Also, sometimes when I am
> ...


I've actually experienced similar things. I'm always making up mental images from the random patterns in things, whether it's the "static" behind my eyelids or the dots in tiles of a ceiling or the weave of a rug. For a long time I saw a dragon in the carpeting of the waiting room at the mental health clinic, but then it disappeared, which was odd, since they didn't change the carpeting! :?

There is nothing inherently weird about that, I'm sure many people do it. Witness how many people make pictures out of clouds in the sky.

Also sometimes I'll see something and for an instant cannot identify what it is, or else misidentify it. I saw a rabbit once and had no idea what it was, all I could see was fur, and the color brown, and a large dark eye, and a long ear. After a brief moment of confusion it sorted itself out in my head and was a rabbit. Ditto once when I saw a hawk, for some weird reason my first thought was, "Turkey!" :roll I'm not sure what exactly this is, it seems more like a perception problem than any kind of psychosis but I couldn't say. Your experience sounds different from mine, but still, doesn't seem psychotic in itself.

I'm diagnosed with OCD and possible schizotypal personality disorder, which is sometimes considered a mild form of schizophrenia, but I'm not psychotic, I just have strange thoughts and paranoia sometimes. Your concerns sound primarily OCD in nature to me--you're not the first person here to have worried that you're going to become psychotic. You sound lucid and self-aware and you're using reason, which you likely couldn't do if you were truly psychotic. I believe on some level you already know this  but thought I'd contribute what little I could anyway.

I hope you can find some peace of mind with this problem. (ETA--I can see you've already posted as such. :blush )


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

tehuti88 said:


> I've actually experienced similar things. I'm always making up mental images from the random patterns in things, whether it's the "static" behind my eyelids or the dots in tiles of a ceiling or the weave of a rug. For a long time I saw a dragon in the carpeting of the waiting room at the mental health clinic, but then it disappeared, which was odd, since they didn't change the carpeting! :?
> 
> There is nothing inherently weird about that, I'm sure many people do it. Witness how many people make pictures out of clouds in the sky.
> 
> ...


Thank you soo much for your response. My mind was at ease for a short while, but it never lasts. I'm always set in my head that I am definitely getting it or am probably getting it, regardless of evidence to the contrary. I really appreciate your time and thoughts in your response, it was quite illuminating.

I've done some online tests for schizotypy in the past and never qualify as testing positive for it, but I do score high in the social anxiety part of the test. Schizotypy sounds interesting. I've read somewhere that while there is no evolutionary benefit for schizophrenia, it is - obviously - so common. It went on to say that there is some benefit to certain characteristics of schizotypy. I guess extreme schizotypy, or schizophrenia, is the evolutionary price.

Please, keep the responses flowing!


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

whattothink said:


> My mind was at ease for a short while, but it never lasts. I'm always set in my head that I am definitely getting it or am probably getting it, regardless of evidence to the contrary.


And that's another typical OCD trait; reassurance seeking and always questioning the answers that disprove what you are afraid of.


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## WanderingSoul (Apr 22, 2012)

Metalunatic said:


> And that's another typical OCD trait; reassurance seeking and always questioning the answers that disprove what you are afraid of.


Right. As a fellow OCD sufferer I have to chime in and say this sounds like OCD. And by asking people questions you are simply seeking reassurance. You're never gonna find THE ANSWER that will satisfy you. It will keep going and going. Until you get bored of it or find the willpower to fight it.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

For anyone else struggling with the problem: I find it helpful to read through this sometimes.


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## GirlAnachronism (Sep 27, 2012)

You sound EXACTLY like me. I have OCD, and I constantly obsess about maybe being schizophrenic. Two of the people I dated in the past were schizophrenic, so I've experienced it and know a bit about it. I'm also withdrawing from Klonopin, and the withdrawal is giving me visual hallucinations, so it's making me think I have it even more. I get anxious everyday, all day, all the time...and it's followed by depression because I get depressed about the anxiety. I've always been shy too. I also dropped out of high school because of my social anxiety (and also because I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was in pain) and haven't really been able to finish college because of the anxiety too. 

I've been on sooo many medications, and none of them helped except like Klonopin. But I'm trying to get off of everything now. 

Also, I have a pet lizard too lol. I don't think she's going to kill me, but I'll have really disturbing thoughts/dreams about her being killed or injured or multiplying into dozens of lizards (I know that sounds crazy.) 

Last night before I went to sleep I stared at my celing for awhile, and my eyes kept using the static that I saw on my ceiling to make geometric shapes, fractals, patterns with bright neon colors, etc. It seemed really strange, and it might be from the klonopin withdrawal, but I'm not sure. I went for a walk yesterday and kept thinking different objects were animals. I saw a pile of leaves and thought it was a raccoon, so I jumped. One time I was walking with my friends in the dark, and I thought the twigs we were stepping over were snakes, so I screamed "aaah snakes!" and my friends just looked at me like I was crazy. It felt horrible. Someone told me once that these are "anxiety induced hallucinations" but I'd never heard of that before. I've had these types of visual distortions since i was young..like 14 years old. Last time I had them I thought they were from taking too much prozac, but I guess not, since I haven't been on prozac in four years. 

I understand exactly how you feel. If I have schizophrenia or something, I want it to just happen and stop having these strange feelings like I'm on the verge of going insane. It's nerve wrecking to feel like this all the time. I don't think you have hypocondria. People have told me I might have that too, but I know the problems I'm having are real and very disturbing.

You might just have OCD and really severe anxiety. That's what I feel like I have. Though I'm still pretty paranoid that I'm going insane, but I've been trying to reassure myself that it's just anxiety and OCD. I'm glad I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings. 

If you find out what you have, or you have some kind of psychotic break, please post about it or let me know? I know that sounds weird... But I'm worried and afraid of what might happen to me too. And if I go to a psychiatrist, they might diagnose with me with something I don't have, and I don't want to be put on a bunch of crazy medications that won't help me. 

Good luck.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Nice post! I should clarify that I didn't actually believe that my pet lizard was going to kill me, lol. It's more that my thoughts are racing and I will have intrusive, random, nonsensical thoughts then fixate on them.

I've been to two psychiatrists, two GP's and a therapist. They all tell me that it's anxiety and depression and it does not appear to be early psychosis. Through my extensive research of psychosis, I found it most helpful not to look up symptoms and do tests, but to go to a schizophrenia message board. After looking through their posts, it's clear that the most essential element to psychosis is insight, which they utterly lack. It's as though something had gone wrong very early in their development. From what I've read, during their first break they were, for the most part, completely unaware. They only realized they were becoming ill when friends and family told them. I've never read of a single case of schizophrenia beginning in people like you and I.

A psychiatrist once told me that schizophrenia is not a single disorder, but a product of different malfunctions. So, while people like you and I might have some issues like intrusive thoughts, we never cross over into psychosis because we have insight, among other things which schizophrenics do not.

But if I do have a psychotic break, I will be sure to tell everyone  Here's another reason I don't think I'm becoming ill. At my _absolute worst_ my girlfriend/wife brought to the ER because she thought I was suicidal (I wasn't really, I just made the mistake of telling her I had random thoughts of suicide). After telling the psychiatrist EVERYTHING, he more or less chuckled that I was so thoroughly convinced I was going insane. He told me severe anxiety and depression can do extreme things to the mind and assured me I was not becoming ill. He prescribed an anti-anxiety med and increased my Zoloft, which has actually helped significantly. Although, I still suffer from mild depression and a fear of going insane sometimes.

Another website I find helpful is the following. It includes an exhaustive list of anxiety symptoms, all of which account for our perceived early-stage schizophrenia. Also, the fear of going insane is a very common symptom of an anxiety disorder, not of schizophrenia!

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml

Not one person who has had a psychotic break has posted. Don't be afraid to share, we would love the insight.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Overall, for me, I think this is all the result of having too much time on my hands. An unoccupied anxious, depressed mind that has a natural tendency to hypochondria led to this. If you have obsessional thinking, are introverted and sensitive, you should keep yourself busy and not become depressed because your thoughts will turn sour.

I noticed that since I've gotten more involved in life, things have gotten a bit better. We just need to continually become more involved in life and long-term goals again so we have something to think about instead of ruminating over our every thought/emotion.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

GirlAnachronism said:


> You sound EXACTLY like me. I have OCD, and I constantly obsess about maybe being schizophrenic. Two of the people I dated in the past were schizophrenic, so I've experienced it and know a bit about it. I'm also withdrawing from Klonopin, and the withdrawal is giving me visual hallucinations, so it's making me think I have it even more. I get anxious everyday, all day, all the time...and it's followed by depression because I get depressed about the anxiety. I've always been shy too. I also dropped out of high school because of my social anxiety (and also because I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was in pain) and haven't really been able to finish college because of the anxiety too.
> 
> I've been on sooo many medications, and none of them helped except like Klonopin. But I'm trying to get off of everything now.
> 
> ...


BTW, my official diagnosis was major depression, SA, anxiety disorder NOS, and hypochondria. He also mentioned the possibility of OCD, but he didn't diagnose it.


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## GirlAnachronism (Sep 27, 2012)

Ah, I see. Well the intrusive thoughts you fixate on sound to me like OCD, but I guess it could be a symptom of a few different disorders..especially an anxiety disorder. I tend to over-diagnose myself with things I think. Though I still have no idea what could be wrong with me. 

I was kind of thinking the same thing. That they lack insight, and we do not. I guess there is a difference. But maybe there's different levels of schizophrenia or psychosis? Also, I don't really trust what psychiatrists have to say, but I guess they would probably know if you were going insane. I told a psychiatrist at a mental hospital I was at awhile back about the visual distortions I was having. Like ones where I think a pile of leaves is an animal, but it turns out to just be a pile of leaves. And I think they may have diagnosed me with schizophrenia, or something similar, because I was put on a few anti-psychotics after that. It's horrible that they misdiagnosed me like that, because I was really young and the medications messed me up. So, you can't always trust psychiatrists. I'm sure you're not schizophrenic or psychotic though. 

It's a relief to know that there are other people out there who feel like this, who haven't actually had a psychotic break or became schizophrenic. That gives me hope that maybe I'm really fine and just have some kind of severe anxiety disorder. I'd rather have that than schizophrenia or psychosis. 

You may be right about having too much time on my hands. Obsessed thinking, introverted, and sensitive are perfect words to describe me lol. The problem is, my anxiety is making it really hard for me to start my life and keep busy. So it's kind of a catch 22. But I'll try. 

Thank you for the advice. I hope you've been able to put your own mind at ease about these thoughts. From what you've written it seems like you have. I think I probably just have really bad anxiety and OCD. I was diagnosed with PTSD, but I'm not sure that could have caused all that.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Yah, I was so convinced that I had 'a break from reality' (my exact words to him), and as I described it to him I was so certain. He said that it was acute depersonalization brought on by sleep deprivation. I still experience this pervasively, though at a MUCH milder level. This also sounds like what you might be experiencing. Mistaking one object for another, perceptual difficulties - they're all indicative of depersonalization, often brought on by prolonged anxiety.

I'm very sorry to hear that you were misdiagnosed. Some psychiatrists seem to not care about the ethical dilemma of putting a non-psychotic patient on antipsychotics. It seems ridiculous that they would prescribe them when you had no delusional thinking or hallucinations.

Check this out for some great info describing what you seem to be experiencing as depersonalization: http://www.anxietybusters.com/dpquiz.html


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## jonhart31 (Oct 4, 2012)

I scored a 32 on that test.


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## tchik tchik (Oct 5, 2012)

whattothink said:


> I didn't think that I was having psychosis at this point, I was in fear that I will develop it in the future.
> 
> As an example, this is an online test that I frequently take, it tests for early psychosis:
> 
> ...


Well I just took the test and got an 8 so if I were you I would quit worrying. Your doctors have both told you that you are not psychotic! Keep thinking about it, though, and it could become a self-fufilling prophecy, don't you think? All right, sorry for that but.... it sounds like you may be depressed.

BUT YES I think I understand your fear ---- I often worry about developing schizophrenia. I am 20 years old, and isn't this the age when it starts to kick in? I resent the time and energy wasted thinking about this. I know I am probably just being dramatic and foolish. Maybe I overwhelm myself with this fear in order to avoid focusing on true self-improvement? In other words, this irrational fear is merely a distraction that I can erase from my life if I try.

That said, my train of thought usually follows this pattern:
* Well, you wouldn't really be able to know if you were crazy, would you? My response to "hearing voices" is "No, never," but then again how do I know that life is not just a projection of my imagination? Blah. I worry that maybe I am crazy, but am just in denial? I have been considering going to a therapist for the past few months now, so why haven't I yet?


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## Sinners (Apr 26, 2013)

Thank you so much for this thread, it has really helped me so much. I have pretty much what the OP has described, an extreme preoccupation with schizophrenia. Even now as I write this, I am not 100% convinced that I do not have it (my paranoia is too acute sometimes) but some of these links have definitely helped. I too have been seeing a psychiatrist for some time about Anxiety disorder and he catagorically told me that I am NOT psychotic. However, I cannot help but worry that I have prodromal schizophrenia and I am going to eventually develop a psychosis. 

Either way, hope you are feeling better now OP and I hope I can eventually convince myself that I am not and never will be schizophrenic.


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

Glad to hear that something positive came from my ordeal. I still sometimes worry about developing schizophrenia, but not as much. And now, two years after all of this started, I'm beginning to regain control of my life again. I still research schizophrenia sometimes, but I'm much more able to recognize the source of this need: anxiety. Onset of generalized anxiety was the cause and not recognizing it caused even more anxiety and it was a miserable cycle of panic and despair for a good 1.5 years.

Just remember, if your obsession is the prospect of insanity and not in the insane thoughts themselves, you're not going crazy and you'll lose the fear eventually

Thinking back, this isn't truly the first time I've obsessed about it. I have an old account here and I found a post almost identical to the OP in this thread, and I mAde that post when I was 15-16 lol

Posted from iPod Touch


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## NoHeart (May 5, 2012)

I lost mine years ago.


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