# Cant go anywhere by myself



## shymomoffour (May 9, 2012)

I have a problem where I cant go anywhere by myself. I have to take one of my kids with me. Most of the time I get my husband to get things from the store for me just so I dont have to go. I dont want people to look at me as if they could read my mind and know everything Ive been through. When I do have to go to the store I get the whole months worth so I dont have to keep going. If I buy something and have to return it...I dont. I just keep it when I dont need it. I try to pay all the bills I can through the drive thru or by mail. I have to fight my fears just so I can go to my kids sports or school events. I feel like Im influencing my kids not to go anywhere. One already doesnt want to go anywhere like me. The others arent there yet. My oldest is really outgoing and I have to again swallow my fears just to take her places. I feel like even in the car people are looking at me and judging me...if they only knew. Ive also had trouble fitting in as a half breed. Both races dont take me as either. Ive always moved and had to make new friends...so I promised I would never do that to my kids. We havent moved from this house for 10 years.


----------



## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

You shouldnt care so much about other peoples opinion of you. They don't know you, so why is their opinion so important? Though you may be thinking all these negative thoughts, its a real possibility that the other person isn't thinking anything negative at all. I know it's annoying when people stare/glare/ect... but there is nothing that can be done about that. People will be people, so just ignore them and go on about your business.


----------



## VaeVictis (Jan 18, 2012)

I understand shymom, but as you said this is affecting how your child is behaving. My mom was so protective of me and a worrier as well(and still is to a certain degree) when I was a child that it affected me growing up so much that I didn't learn how to take (healthy) risks and ended up contributing to me being such a passive and fearful person as a teenager, and I ended up carrying it into my adulthood.

At the very least you need to see a therapist that deals primarily with anxiety issues. Talking with those of us who have been through similar issues will help, but I think you need someone face-to-face. 

And about the fear of judgement? Trust me, everyone's messed up in their own way. They just hide it better.


----------



## shymomoffour (May 9, 2012)

Its even worse now since the kids are on summer break. They are always bored at home so I have to keep leaving the house to take them places. In my mind I dont want to but I dont want them to think Im a bad mom so I do whatever they ask to go. Just today the drive thru was to long so I had to go inside...I had to take alot of breaths first and then I just sat in the car before I finally went inside. 

Also my husband works more now and I cant rely on him to stop by the store after work. What kind of wife would I be asking him to do something that I can really do by myself...and hes so tired all the time...I just want to cry when I go to the stores. Its just something I dont want to do...I dont want people looking at me...and I have to take all my kids with me to make me feel secure. How will I be when my 4 year old starts school? I will have to wait till they get out just so they can go with me. Little things I just cant do by myself that may seem so simple or not a problem to someone else!


----------



## anmickie (May 21, 2012)

Hi shymom. I totally get where you're coming from. I absolutely hate going anywhere by myself. Most parents would live to get out without a toddler in tow. Not me. I always take him with me everywhere. I try to get the grocery shopping done during the week because my husband gets really mad if I want him to go with me. But trips to Costco where it is always so no and crowded I always save for the weekend. I also try to leave the house early in the morning to go grocery shopping since there's fewer people to deal with. Now with summer I also have to force myself to get my kids out of the house or they go stir crazy. So far we've just gone to the park so it's been ok. I have good days and bad.


----------



## kittykat44 (Feb 27, 2012)

*I'm sorry*

Hello shymom. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't have children, which I can imagine adds another layers onto the difficulty of social anxiety. But I also struggle with going out in public by myself. I will try to drag my boyfriend along or go to a drive through before getting lunch at a restaurant. I go to the local market that is smaller and less crowded, with personal check out machines so at to avoid interaction. It's very frustrating and humiliating. People tell me I shouldn't care what others think of me. The problem lies in the fact that I simply cannot do that. I am conscientious, worried about offending others, over analytical, personalize everything. It's a whirlwind of character traits that's making it more and more difficult to overcome SA. ANYWAY, the point of this message was to say you're not alone. I think most people, especially if they see someone who is slightly nervous, are not thinking mean thoughts. Have you tried therapy or medication? I've found listening to self-help CDs in my car by Pema Chodron, a female buddhist teacher, helps alleviate many of the negative thoughts. She also has books, if you like to read  Best of luck in your endeavors!


----------



## shymomoffour (May 9, 2012)

Scorpion said:


> I'm not 30+ can i still post here? I'm the same as you for years now i've always had to go out with my mum or sister like moral support or something i cant describe it just makes going out less awkward when theres someone there with me, and as ur a mum i can say this to you because my mum and dad when i was younger took me _nowhere _i was sure my anxiety came from that i lived indoors growing up and now im mid twentys and never go out unless i really have to and with someone i know, so i think it does affect others around you esp young ppl coz they'll copy what you do! i guess i saw being indoors all the time as normal and it escalated to what i have now. I feel bad for you coz its not ur fault so im not saying it im just telling you my story being from parents who always stayed indoors and how that affected me.


Im really glad you posted on here because it helps me know how my kids probaly feel with staying at home all the time. My oldest is really outgoing and I take her everywhere and just have to take a breath before leaving my front door. My middle girl doesnt want to go anywhere even if shes asked by her friends she just declines like I always do. I feel bad that she is copying what I do and she just never wants to talk about it.The only thing I never decline on are birthday parties. We go to every one we get invited to since I hardly give my kids bdays at least they can have fun at others. Which may be a mistake too since they see what they are missing out on...I dont know. My youngest girl is like my oldest she spends a night with her friends and I have to breathe again just to talk to the parents. My son will start school this coming year and Im already getting nervous since we have to wait in the hallway with parents and make small talk that Ive tried avoiding when my girls were that age.

But yeah thanks for the advice on not letting my kids stay inside like your parents did to you...cuz I really dont want them feeling the way I feel everyday. And it helps to know younger peoples opinions...it really does help! Thanks


----------



## trancewriter (Jul 30, 2011)

Thanks for posting about this. I have the same problem....it seems since my anxiety has worsened along with my depression I will only go out if I absolutely have to and then I will time it to a time when stores are not busy like grocery shopping on Monday nights. Sometimes it is hard to avoid since I have to take my 80 year old father shopping and he is a social person....actually likes the crowds on Saturdays in the stores....but then I am with him. It is harder when you are alone for sure because all the attention seems focused on you. I find that it helps me sometimes to say over and over again in my head "it doesn't matter", "nothing matters" when I start feeling nervous around people. I also sometimes try to read Bhuddist material or meditate before I leave the house...it puts me in a calmer state of mind...also telling myself in my head that "most people arent' thinking about me but have their own problems" also helps or "they don't care"...something like that....


----------



## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I have been having this problem before. I am not used to going anywhere by myself, but now that I have my own car, that means I can go anywhere I want to go but I would always try to drag my sister along. I actually had to go the mall by myself yesterday because my sister had a lot of homework to do. At first I felt sick to my stomach when she told me she couldn't come,but heck I went to the mall on my own anyway to buy a gift. It was soemthing that I had to do. I felt really accomplished after I came back. I stayed at the mall for a while and even decided to chill at the food court and eat some food. I was very proud of myself. Just try to face your fears and you will see it's not as bad as you thought it was.


----------



## shymomoffour (May 9, 2012)

anmickie said:


> Hi shymom. I totally get where you're coming from. I absolutely hate going anywhere by myself. Most parents would live to get out without a toddler in tow. Not me. I always take him with me everywhere. I try to get the grocery shopping done during the week because my husband gets really mad if I want him to go with me. But trips to Costco where it is always so no and crowded I always save for the weekend. I also try to leave the house early in the morning to go grocery shopping since there's fewer people to deal with. Now with summer I also have to force myself to get my kids out of the house or they go stir crazy. So far we've just gone to the park so it's been ok. I have good days and bad.


I also leave early in the morning when there are fewer people! My kids are my security blanket for sure! It just feels so awkward going places by myself. Im already thinking about Christmas cuz thats when I have to buy presents by myself...and its making me anxious already!! The school clothes and school supplies shopping is getting to me too and summer just started. But like one of these post I do say in my head that everyone has problems...no one is looking at me... no one cares what Im wearing...Im just glad when Im safely home and no one can see me.


----------

