# As per request, my story its long!



## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

I will put this in parts.

Some history:

I have always battled with SA, only recently when it exacerbated to the point of having anxiety attacks and seriously interfering with my everyday life did I know it actually had a name. Like most people, I just thought I was more timid and shy than most. I could go on about that, but we all have the same stories of lack of esteem and confidence. :afr 

I also battled what I know realize is depression as well. I always just thought that I was REALLY lazy. I had motivation for nothing unless my husband was home or unless I had made plans with the very few (like 1) friend I had.

Meanwhile, I started questioning if teaching is what I wanted to do, if I wanted to pursue other careers (a LOT of anxiety in giving up what you went to school for), plus we were trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully. I could barely handle the disappointment every month, so we stopped. Soon after my anxiety began to become exacerbated.


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## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

Fast forward: When I had my second attack at school infront of my kindergartners, my principal drove me to the ER to meet with crisis management. I had already seen my regular GP, but he just put me on paxil and kept changing the dose, not much good. The social worker that I spoke with suggested that I seek counseling, something that I was terrified of and the ER doc prescribed Klonopin. He also made me take off the 3 day week before Easter break.

At this time I decided to take advantage of the family medical leave act and take medical leave for the rest of the school year. My attacks had gotten so bad that I was afraid of what they would do to my students and I was no longer good to anyone like this anyway. :fall 

The Friday before Easter I had a really bad break down. I wouldn't leave my bed, I cried at the top of my lungs and when my husband asked helplessly what he could do I asked for my mommy. A very scary moment for all involved. I almost agreed to be admitted to the hospital. My mom and dad dropped everything and came down. While they didn't really help, I had calmed considerably and it was comforting, even for a 30 year old to have her mom close by.


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## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

She brought these tapes with her. A whole set by Joyce Meyer. As I listened to the ones that she suggested first, I was confused. It was mostly about overcoming abuse and it didn't pertain to me. But I pushed through anyway, finding out that Joyce is a great speaker. She really draws you into her with her levity and down to earth attitude. She supports everything she teaches with scripture.

When I finished this section I looked through the box for the next set of tapes and low and behold there was a collection on confidence! I couldn't get tape 1 in my player fast enough! I listened while I went for a walk, since it was a beautiful day. From listening to this first tape I had God revealed to me in such a way that made me stop and cry in the street.

You see, all these years I have looked for confidence within myself and measured myself by my and my husband's accomplishments. I had become very materialistic and judgemental of others, thinking, well if I have more than them then I am better and they can't say anything to hurt me. It turns out that confidence doesn't come from things, nor from others, not even from within ourselves. It comes ONLY from trusting in God. He is the only thing that you can have confidence in. Our worth is not measured by what we have, our accomplishments or our failures. So long as our confidence lies only in him, no man can touch that or affect our worth. :banana 

But I was still kind of thinking, "ya, but I am not a great person, I am not nice enough, or holy enough, or even go to church." But Joyce said that we will NEVER be good enough to EARN Gods gifts. He created us to fail and no person on earth is without sin, nor "good" enough to earn his love. The revelation: he will give it to us anyway! He loves us that much that no matter how we fail, no matter how we don't "measure up" to the yardsticks created by man's religion, he will bestow his love and gifts upon us. :yay That means that as long as I trust in him, keep my confidence in him, I am worthy of all he has to give.

Well, I could hardly wait to listen to tape 2 and 3. I learned that if we try to take too much control in our lives, if we lose sight of him, he will break us until there is nothing left of us to give (i.e. my attacks that rendered me useless, my all time low).

God does not was us to have self anything. There is a breaking that has to take place in our life. God will break you. He will break the pride that is lodged in the fleshly nature. It has to be broken for humility to come. God will run you through certain sets of circumstances until you finally realize that apart from him you can do nothing. In returning to Him and resting in Him you shall be saved. In quietness and in trusting confidence shall be your strength. People are trying to do things on their own. So we struggle until we finally learn about the grace of God.

Suddenly, I am realizing why I had to go through this. I am no longer asking "why me".

Tape 3 was about "Doing things Afraid". She said that the bible says "Fear not, for I am with you". She said it doesn't say don't shake, or sweat, or feel the feeling of fear, but as long as we know that our confidence lies in him, we can overcome anything, large or small. Calling for pizza or making a career change. She said that the feeling of fear is often much worse than the task itself. She said that we have learned fear from trying to protect ourselves from emotional pain. We have experienced things that now keep us in bondage. Some of us are afraid to do anything, seek help, begin therapy, anything! She said that the only fear we should have is a reverent fear of God. Every other fear is Satan's way of trying to get control of us.

She said that even though we may "feel" afraid, we should trust that God will give us strength and "DO IT AFRAID". I think that is so powerful. We are human and as such new things are going to make us uncomfortable, but we can choose to be pitiful or powerful. PITIFUL or POWERFUL.

Learning these things has made me realize that I don't need my husband to make me feel happy (which I typically waited around for him to do). I am worth something great because God thinks I am. He came to earth and died for me. If I trust that he walks before me in all situations, even if I feel a little panicky or if I feel afraid, I know he will give me the strength to get through it.


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## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

And now:

Since then my husband cannot believe the difference in me. I have shed my depression. My depression came from my negative feelings of self-worthlessness. I have energy to spend and want to learn even more. I know I can allow my husband to spend 2 hours washing the car and then watch all the NHL playoff games because I don't need his attention to feel special. I only need God to feel special.

I know that I need to learn to accept myself as I am because I am all I have. In 60 years I don't want to look back and think about how much joy I lost out on because I wanted to be like someone else. I will never be what God does not want me to be. I need to follow his lead and listen for his call.

For the first time in 3 years I am happy. In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt this good. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from me, and I know that God has taken it from me. First he broke me to get my attention, now he has built me up. I have made phone calls that I would have passed off on my husband, smiled at people and said hello when normally I would have crossed the street.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I feel he has made me whole again!

All this ties into my therapy. She said we will work on finding my self worth and confidence and the anxiety and depression will begin to fall away. I can hardly wait to see her again! 

I have all but stopped taking my benzos (just at bedtime because I still struggle with a racing mind when I try to sleep).

I wish this same peace for all of you. My life is so much better than it ever has been. I finally see clarity. I see the end of the tunnel and I know that even though I will always be a work in progress, I am going to overcome because He will give me the courage and the strength.

Now I know that was really long, but you asked for it! I love you all and hope the best for each of you. Please ask me any other questions!


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## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

I just thought of one more thing. Some people who may take the time to read this may be put off because it is faith based. Let me assure you a few things.

I have no religion, I have God. Religion is a creation of rules by man.

I do not go to church.

I do not own a bible.

I enjoy a good R rated movie or TV show like NIP/TUCK as much as the next person.

Too many people are afraid of spirituality because they think they can't be good enough to do it. You only have to be human. It is not taboo. You don't have to be a bible beater. You just need faith.

Truseeker shares some really uplifting things in the spirituallity section. Its worth checking out. Its a shame not more participate.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

Great story, christie. I'm happy you've found your way home. 

It's none of my business of course, but you might want to drop Joyce a line and let her know what a difference her talks made for you. I think she'd appreciate it. 

I wish you the best of luck in sustaining the faith you feel now. That's been the challenge for me, to keep that faith alive, in the midst of everyday life.


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## christiem (Mar 1, 2006)

shwin said:


> Funny how that works eh? We turn to God only when we are at our lowest. If man did not have troubles in life, he would not turn to God.


You are right. I believe that's why he gives us troubles. He tries as hard as possible to get our attention and too many of us ignore him. Some people say that things are so bad its too hard to have faith. I believe that's when our faith must be the strongest because that's when he is testing us. Some trial come from the devil and we are meant to walk with God to overcome and some come from God so that we will learn to keep our faith and trust in him.

thank you for taking the time to read. it means a lot to me.


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## Brooklyn79 (Apr 15, 2006)

Amazing post! I'm so glad for you, Christiem : )


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## Jess (Oct 23, 2004)

*good for you*

great post, I agree with you...faith in God has helped me thrugh many rough times. Great job!!


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## persistent1 (Dec 18, 2004)

I am happy for you and the progress you have made. I have heard it said that the opposite of fear is faith. Sounds like you are finding this out first hand. I would also mention that a lot of your quotes such as "I can do nothing apart from God" and I can do all things through God(Christ) who strenthens me are actually quotes from the Bible. I wouldnt be afraid to read the Bible. Albert Ellis (psychologist,atheist, and Christian basher)actually admitted that the Bible is probably one of the most successful self-help books ever written! I also want to thank you for reminding me of a lot of truths about trusting God. My spiritual life is a work in progress and I dont read the Bible very often like I probably should but I have always counted on certain scriptures such as the ones quoted above to help me through some challenging times in my life. Thanks again for your tremendous inspiration!


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## Dante3214 (Jan 16, 2006)

Whoa, that's incredible...


And I just realized that I found God!



It was me all along!


(not satire, I just never trusted in myself)



*falls over*


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

Dante3214 said:


> And I just realized that I found God!
> 
> It was me all along!


But...I'm God. There can't be two of us. :hide


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## persistent1 (Dec 18, 2004)

Zephyr said:


> Dante3214 said:
> 
> 
> > And I just realized that I found God!
> ...


So you mean to tell me that God isnt the omnipotent, almighty, ever-present God that I thought he was? * You mean God actually has Social Anxiety, sometimes hides under chairs, and delights in sarcasm? You guys have really shattered my image of God! I suggest you keep looking!*


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## quietpond (May 2, 2006)

pained irreverence and makes light of someone else's story...self-degrading, typical


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## sangha (May 9, 2006)

God bless you, christiem

I too have found God and that has helped me tremendously. One of my breakthroughs occurred when I was about to fly to Florida with my mom (who has Alzhiemer's) but I didnt have any govt-issued ID. A week before the flight I applied for it at the DMV, but it was supposed to take up to two weeks to receive it. The night before the flight I was getting terribly anxious that I might not be allowed on the plane and my mother would go crazy. I started praying to God that the mailman would come and deliver my ID before I had to leave for the flight. In the middle of praying I realize something, and asked God to forgive me for begging Him to do something for me. Instead, I put myself in His hands and asked merely that whatever happens to me, he keep my mother's suffering to a minimum. I felt good about that.

The next day, the mailman delivered my ID about 10 minutes before the taxi came to bring my mother and I to the airport.


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