# Being The Side Guy



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I think I'm done, man, I really think I am.

I texted my gf on the 4th, told her that I hoped she was having a good day, hoped she'd have a glass of red wine and relax and watch the fireworks with her kids.

I haven't heard back from her.

I do have a confession to make. She's married. Which. Makes me...the side dude. (google side chick if you want a really ugly, nasty definition).

I don't know. She calls me her boyfriend. She calls herself my girlfriend. For anyone that hasn't followed this little story, yeah, we've had sex, seen each other naked tons of times, she has stayed over at my place for multiple nights in a row.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. It's really messing with my head. I don't hear from her for days. I don't think this is what I signed up for.

I don't know man. I'm just thinking out loud. I don't know what I want anymore. But I'm not sure that this is it.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Oh dude...(shakes head)...you've been supporting an affair all this time?

FFS...dude..F F S.

I'm sure there is way way more to this story, but please don't be "that guy".

I know that the booty may be cutie, but it isn't right...and you probably know that you can't even expect to treat the relationship in the same way. So at the very least, don't get all butthurt at the lack of consistent contact.

That is all...


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

What's the situation with the husband? Are they separated but not divorced yet? Loveless marriage just staying together for the sake of the kids? Or is she in love with you both? 

Sounds complicated and messy. Hope he doesn't discover you two and become homicidally enraged.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Yeah I remember you saying that ages ago and I think I held off on telling you that's a bad idea, either because of how you reacted to some other people who were trying to give you advice at the time (none of who brought that up weirdly, I think everyone glossed over that fact except me,) or maybe some other reason but probably that. Then I forgot about it.

Yeah... Well that was never a good idea but you know that.

It's not fair on that guy if he doesn't know about this, she told you initially that she didn't want anything serious clearly because she's married. There's just no possible way this is going to end well.


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## legallyalone (Jan 24, 2014)

What's the situation here, were you and her cheating, or is her relationship open, or is her relationship basically dead and neither care anymore? Anyway, only you can know if you can handle it, and it sounds like you know you can't. Maybe you could just deescalate the relationship to be something less serious, stop the sex.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

My gf, and I...

I just don't don't know...

She...idk. She has been abused. She hasn't had sex with him or messed around with him in over five years (so she tells me).

My God man, you don't understand, she is SOOO fine, and he just abandons her, he ignores her, he pretends like she isn't even there.

A woman this fine, this beautiful, he pretends just isn't there. What. The. Actual. F***.

She's not happy with him but she has to stay with him. It's sooooo f-ing complicated man.

And I thought I could have her. I thought she could be mine. Sort of.

But no. It looks like that was just a f-ing fantasy.


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## M0rbid (Jan 11, 2011)

BAD idea. You have no idea what her husband is capable of doing to you if he finds out.


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## thetah (Dec 25, 2014)

You dun goofed.

At what point did you not expect an extra-marital affair to become complicated and riddled with issues?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

She...doesn't care about him anymore, much. I mean, she cares about his overall well-being, but they're not close. They haven't had sex in five years now.

She wants intimacy.

She wants what I can give her I guess, but I don't want to be her f-ing prostitute anymore.

What I mean by that is, I want more than sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex is mind-blowing, it is just f-ing awesome, but I want more. And she's never, ever, ever there.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

legallyalone said:


> What's the situation here, were you and her cheating, or is her relationship open, or is her relationship basically dead and neither care anymore? Anyway, only you can know if you can handle it, and it sounds like you know you can't. Maybe you could just deescalate the relationship to be something less serious, stop the sex.


She's cheating. She wants intimacy. She wants someone that pays attention to her, that loves her, that romances her, that holds her in bed at night. Her husband doesn't. There's nothing left there between them.


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## Daveyboy (Jan 13, 2013)

No self pity please...

You knew beforehand you were invading someone's marriage..
Doesn't matter if she was happy or not..

It's wrong....


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

KyleInSTL said:


> Oh dude...(shakes head)...you've been supporting an affair all this time?
> 
> FFS...dude..F F S.
> 
> ...


Well, bro, it's not even like an affair.

I mean, yes, it is. But..this guy doesn't give a flying f*** about her, man. He doesn't.

She's been abused. They don't have an intimate relationship anymore. He uses her. Think about it for a minute. Seriously. WWYD?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Daveyboy said:


> No self pity please...
> 
> You knew beforehand you were invading someone's marriage..
> Doesn't matter if she was happy or not..
> ...


No, no, no. No self-pity for me, if that's even what you're getting at. I'm not sure.

What about her? What about her being in an abusive marriage where she has no real way out?

Btw, I'm telling you, most guys would kill to be with this girl. I'm not just talking about physical appearance, I'm talking inside as well.

So I should have just ignored her. Told her to f*** off. Let her keep going, trying to raise her kids in an abusive marriage.

OK Daveyboy. OK.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

thetah said:


> You dun goofed.
> 
> At what point did you not expect an extra-marital affair to become complicated and riddled with issues?


Dude, my whole life is complicated and riddled with issues.


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## legallyalone (Jan 24, 2014)

Just out of curiosity, how much of her marriage do you know from independent sources, and how much about her marriage were you just told about by her?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Yeah I remember you saying that ages ago and I think I held off on telling you that's a bad idea, either because of how you reacted to some other people who were trying to give you advice at the time (none of who brought that up weirdly, I think everyone glossed over that fact except me,) or maybe some other reason but probably that. Then I forgot about it.
> 
> Yeah... Well that was never a good idea but you know that.
> 
> It's not fair on that guy if he doesn't know about this, she told you initially that she didn't want anything serious clearly because she's married. There's just no possible way this is going to end well.


Well, initially,

She did NOT TELL ME SHE WAS MARRIED. She didn't tell me she was married until we were pretty far into this.


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## idoughnutknow (Apr 7, 2014)

TenYears said:


> She...doesn't care about him anymore, much. I mean, she cares about his overall well-being, but they're not close. They haven't had sex in five years now.
> 
> She wants intimacy.
> 
> ...


That's just what she tells you, I wonder what her husband would say if someone asked him? Sounds like she's just trying to manipul8 you brah

If she's that wonderful and gorgeous you really think her straight husband hasn't had sex with her in 5 years broooooooo what are you are high???

you're basically a walking dildo at this point lol


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

legallyalone said:


> Just out of curiosity, how much of her marriage do you know from independent sources, and how much about her marriage were you just told about by her?


Everything I've been told is just by her.

We work together. But we're both kind of "outsiders", we don't mix in with the other people we work with. At all.

Anyways, it's becoming obvious that I'm being used. Which, is fine, if you're OK with being used in the way that you're being used.

But not OK if it's not.

And. I don't know. I just. Don't want to settle. I want more than this.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

idoughnutknow said:


> That's just what she tells you, I wonder what her husband would say if someone asked him? Sounds like she's just trying to manipul8 you brah
> 
> If she's that wonderful and gorgeous you really think her straight husband hasn't had sex with her in 5 years broooooooo what are you are high???
> 
> you're basically a walking dildo at this point lol


Maybe you're right, bro.

Maybe you're right.

That's why I'm on here right now, trying to figure this **** out, you think I like being used? I guess this might be funny to you, what the f*** ever, I'm trying to figure this **** out.

Instead of making jabs,

School me.

Tell me what you think I should do, you're the expert, you know how to handle relationships, and you know how to treat the ladies.

School me.

Go ahead.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

She's married and she spends nights at your place? Are you sure she's married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

Karma, you just one side dude in probably dozens lol


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## MetroCard (Nov 24, 2013)

You've been showing off your "girlfriend" when you're really just a side dude! She only using you for sex and she just eye candy to you anyway. Find someone else bruh.



> Karma, you just one side dude in probably dozens lol


Most likely.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

nubly said:


> She's married and she spends nights at your place? Are you sure she's married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. The story seems a stretch - fine girl, no intimacy for 5 years. While it may be true, it is also extremely hard to believe that length of time, and given that, would not just take her word for it that she is married.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

And why can't she do something about her marriage again? Something seems off.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

MetroCard said:


> You've been showing off your "girlfriend" when you're really just a side dude! She only using you for sex and she just eye candy to you anyway. Find someone else bruh.
> 
> Most likely.


Yeah, Metro, I was actually waiting for you to respond to this.

Ya know...Metro....

This is just too easy....

I could respond with "Well, at least I'm getting laid".

Or, I could respond with "At least I'm getting my D S'ed"

Or, I could respond with "At least I'm spending my time with a beautiful woman, wrapped around my arms".

And....on and on....

But, nah, I won't do that....

I'm above all that.

I'll just say...good luck, bruh.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

TenYears said:


> Seriously. WWYD?


Chill...I'm not calling you Satan's spawn or anything...I get it.

I'm just saying, that you've got yourself in an unhealthy spot for this situation.

If you can, you need her to make a decision. If she's in as bad a situation as you say, then hopefully she'd choose you if pressed. If not, I guess you have to either accept that you'll be treated poorly and may not even know all there is to know about how she spends her time away from you.

I wouldn't be able to drop the emotional connection, but that's your last recourse and treat it as a sexcapade.


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## idoughnutknow (Apr 7, 2014)

TenYears said:


> Maybe you're right, bro.
> 
> Maybe you're right.
> 
> ...


It's the opposite of funny.

She isn't worth the emotional issues she may cause you, be it in the present day or in the future. She's a cheat, a liar and seemingly a great manipulator and these generally couple together with a whole host of other negative traits that would probably eventually hurt you in some way if you ever dated her. You aren't her boyfriend, she's in a monogamous marriage with someone else. She probably just calls you that because she knows you'll appreciate whatever meaning you take from the boyfriend label being given to you. My guess is she knows this and it's why she used that term specifically.

No good will come of sleeping with her, obviously apart from the enjoyment of intimacy with someone you find physically attractive. If you're morally okay with potentially ending a marriage, okay with how the husband will react when he finds out that his wife is cheating on him (he will probably work it out eventually), okay with how your co-workers probably think less of you as a person because of what you're doing, and okay with the fact that even if this lady does leave her husband she probably won't ever enter into an actual meaningful relationship with you unless it's extremely beneficial to her... then feel free to continue the vacuous, hollow Friends with Benefits relationship you currently have with her. If you've got issues when any of those things then stop what you're doing with her.

You're emotionally attached to her, but it seems as if that isn't reciprocated on her end. Does she reply to you as quickly as you do to her when you want to talk about your issues? Does she ignore you for days on end? Do you spend more time with her when she's going through some kind of difficulties as opposed to when you want to meet up on your terms? I'm seeing a whole lot of things she has told you about her marriage and to be frank they seem like the kind of thing someone would say if they wanted to justify cheating on their partner, that may not be entirely true. I can't imagine an abusive man not wanting to have sex with his wife at any point in a five year period. Physically or emotionally abusive partners probably wouldn't let their spouse spend days away from home at a time staying at work colleague's houses either. She doesn't want committment so she doesn't want an emotional connection (or relationship) with you, whether she's actually in a relationship already or not.

How much evidence do you have of her husband existing? Isn't it a little strange that you worked with someone, became friends with them and then slept with them and never knew their marital situation? This whole thing doesn't really add up at all.

Something seems massively wrong with this situation and I'd strongly recommend you do yourself a huge favour and steer clear of seeing this woman outside of the workplace. Obviously you're going to know a whole lot more about what's going on than anyone else here but it does seem as if she has you wrapped around her little finger, to put it one way. Try to look at what's happening from an outsider's perspective and see how you feel about it then.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Its ok. I would of done the same thing. At least you had a good time while it lasted.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Man I am just devastated.

I don't even....

How did I even....

How do I break it off with her though? This gurl is seriosly so fine. Man you have no idea. No idea.

I don't know if I can do it bro.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

idoughnutknow said:


> It's the opposite of funny.
> 
> She isn't worth the emotional issues she may cause you, be it in the present day or in the future. She's a cheat, a liar and seemingly a great manipulator and these generally couple together with a whole host of other negative traits that would probably eventually hurt you in some way if you ever dated her. You aren't her boyfriend, she's in a monogamous marriage with someone else. She probably just calls you that because she knows you'll appreciate whatever meaning you take from the boyfriend label being given to you. My guess is she knows this and it's why she used that term specifically.
> 
> ...


You're right.

It's hitting me like a freight train.

You're right.

Man I'm just so, so sad. I mean, that was my girl. I'm falling apart here.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, I mean, you know, next time she wants to come over...

I mean, sumbiach what do I do? Say no? What are u crazy?


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

She's married?!

This explains so much. Why the "no stings" start, her reaction to saying "I love you", why her coworkers say she isn't good, her going silent...

Oh man, I was really rooting for you.

Maybe she in a failing relationship. Maybe. You can't really know for sure.
Have you two ever talked about that?
Have you met her husband?


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeah the signs were definitely on the wall from the beginning, they just have too much baggage and complication in their lives for it to ever work and sadly it just ends up, more often than not with you being hurt. 

I'd definitely, as hard as it may be, walk away from this, I fail to see how it can improve.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

caveman8 said:


> This. The story seems a stretch - fine girl, no intimacy for 5 years. While it may be true, it is also extremely hard to believe that length of time, and given that, would not just take her word for it that she is married.


It's actually common in failing relationships, how they look doesn't overcome the resentment in the relationship which is enough for the couple to never be intimate. I know one person in this situation, both at the height of physical genes but won't even look at each other these days. Too hard to divorce though, apparently.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Yeah I remember you saying that ages ago and I think I held off on telling you that's a bad idea, either because of how you reacted to some other people who were trying to give you advice at the time (none of who brought that up weirdly, I think everyone glossed over that fact except me,) or maybe some other reason but probably that. Then I forgot about it.
> 
> Yeah... Well that was never a good idea but you know that.
> 
> It's not fair on that guy if he doesn't know about this, she told you initially that she didn't want anything serious clearly because she's married. There's just no possible way this is going to end well.


Yeah I remember I brought this up also, and everyone just sailed right by it. And I remember that I was surprised, no one said a thing about it.

Not now though lol.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> She's married?!
> 
> This explains so much. Why the "no stings" start, her reaction to saying "I love you", why her coworkers say she isn't good, her going silent...
> 
> ...


She and her husband really haven't had sex in five years. She's using me. I've come to realize that through this thread. You were right Skeletra,

You were all right. I was a fool.

You win.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Well when you say she was using you, it's not necessary in the manner of her never caring about you. Using you for emotional and physical support for sure and selfishly so perhaps, but I'd be very surprised if she didn't give a **** about you.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Well that's just it man, she does care for me. But everybody is telling me she's just using me. I think she does care for me: But everybody else is telling me I'm cray-cray


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Well it's not that, it's more that even though she cares for you, she's married and inevitably the marriage is going to take priority, whether she's happy with it or not. 

I mean she has kids, of course the marriage is going to take priority. 

That's why you'll always be the 3rd wheel in these situations.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Yeah. Maybe what's getting at me is that I didn't think I'd be SUCH a third wheel. Idk man. I'm such a fool. Anybody that ends up in this situation is just exactly that...a fool. I let her play with my heart, I let her play with me, come and go as she pleases, and now I'm realizing I don't like it, at all, and I think, as fine as she is, that I would just rather be alone.

And I know that sounds crazy. I know it does.

Ffs I may be working with her this morning. There's actually a good chance of that, working side by side, one on one with her. Ffs. Please dear God, no.

Just no. Not today.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Skeletra said:


> She's married?!
> 
> This explains so much. Why the "no stings" start, her reaction to saying "I love you", why her coworkers say she isn't good, her going silent...
> 
> ...


And she didn't tell me that she was married until we were pretty far into it.

And then I was embarrassed to tell anyone.

Idk, whatever mans it doesn't even matter now. I'm so f**ked.

F*** me. I'm gonna come home tonight and just get hammered. It doesn't even matter anymore.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

the cheat said:


> If you're in a relationship with a married woman whom you also work with...you're gonna have a bad time.
> 
> The fact that you didn't know she was married when the relationship began isn't much of an excuse as to why you let it continue until now. Once you learned she lied to you about her relationship status, you should have cut ties.
> 
> It doesn't sound crazy to want to be alone rather than being in an unhealthy relationship with a married co-worker. It'd sound crazy to continue in that relationship, especially if a large part of it is simply because she's hot.


I know this, I know all of this, I know. There is no excuse for letting it continue on, man, I'm a grown man, I know this.

But the day after I let things go, the day after I cut ties with her, I will want her back in my bed. I know myself. I know me.

But I just don't think I can do it anymore.

Maybe she should have been just a fling. And nothing more. And I just wanted too much. Idk.

Ffs.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Oww, you need to calm down. You seem a bit flustered. Which is understandable. This is a tricky situation.
you didn't knowingly become the other guy, she just told you afterwards. It's not your fault.

But it is a bit foolish to expect her to put you higher. Specially when she has kids. And specially if those kids are young.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

AussiePea said:


> It's actually common in failing relationships, how they look doesn't overcome the resentment in the relationship which is enough for the couple to never be intimate. I know one person in this situation, both at the height of physical genes but won't even look at each other these days. Too hard to divorce though, apparently.


If the timeline is true, I'd wager TenYears is not her first on the side.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

My mother had the same situation going on when I was a kid. Her intention was to grasp another branch before letting go of the current one. Unfortunately that fell through for her. And her further pursuits in later years.
That situation made the home life very weird, and I was too little to comprehend what was going on. Do you want to get shot by some guy? because that wouldn't be too far in this dudes mind. My dad once confided to me about one day driving around in the truck with a .45 looking for my mother and this dude in question. 

I really think you need to sever ties with a person who would create a miserable situation for her family for her purpose of self gratification. A high maintenance mother is pretty far away from desirable. I don't care how 'fine' she is. You clearly have no idea how much you made an already bad situation worse for that family.

Don't talk to this woman anymore.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

She says she is just friends with her husband. They haven't had sex in, like five years. Her kids are, 16 and 17, and she has one that's grown.

Maybe I was hoping, reaching, wishing. She has told me from the beginning that she doesn't want a commitment. So, yeah, I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I just...really like this girl. Of course. And she's married. Of course.

*sigh*

Ffs


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

No, of course I don't want to get shot. She has told me that he's asked her if she's having an affair. Too many nights at my place I guess. She tells him she's staying with a friend, but I don't think he's buying it. 

She's told me that her husband is nothing more than a friend to her. They're staying together for the kids. That's it. He doesn't work, he's on disability, she works her a** off, two jobs to support him and her kids, and she doesn't even love him. So she says.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

yeah im caught up in something similar. I met this chick on Ok cupid and well she is still married. They are in the middle of a divorce but our first date was crazy her ex kept texting and calling her asking her if she was with someone. Oh and Get this I went to High School with this dude!! and he remembers me!!! So yeah very awkward situation. Good luck to you.


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## Smallfry (Oct 11, 2004)

I'm sorry to hear that she was married after all that time, wish I had some advice probably stay away from her before you get sucked in further


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

caveman8 said:


> This. The story seems a stretch - fine girl, no intimacy for 5 years. While it may be true, it is also extremely hard to believe that length of time, and given that, would not just take her word for it that she is married.





nubly said:


> She's married and she spends nights at your place? Are you sure she's married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are so many people on here having such a hard time believing that she's married? I don't get it, I must be missing something. I mean, why would she lie about that? If anything, I would think that she would lie about being married and tell me that she's single.



Smallfry said:


> I'm sorry to hear that she was married after all that time, wish I had some advice probably stay away from her before you get sucked in further


Yeah...uhm,, yeah....you're right. I thought I could keep my emotions out of this. She's so beautiful, inside and out, and I thought I could have a friend (fwb) that I could sleep with, and someone to talk to, and I just got in way over my head. I want so much more than this. It's killing me that she doesn't want more, but I mean, I'm not stupid, I know all the reasons why.



Skeletra said:


> Oww, you need to calm down. You seem a bit flustered. Which is understandable. This is a tricky situation.
> you didn't knowingly become the other guy, she just told you afterwards. It's not your fault
> 
> But it is a bit foolsh to expect her to put you higher. Specially when she has kids. And specially if those kids are young.


 Yeah, I'm pretty upset. She still hasn't texted me back. Which is strange.

And I know. I know it is, but I can't help what I want. I mean, I'm just being brutally honest here. I don't know how I got so over my head. She is such an awesome woman, I wish I could send a pic and have her join this site, lol, you would see for yourself.

Ugh. Fml. Somebody just shoot me, please.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

TenYears said:


> Why are so many people on here having such a hard time believing that she's married? I don't get it, I must be missing something. I mean, why would she lie about that? If anything, I would think that she would lie about being married and tell me that she's single.
> 
> Yeah...uhm,, yeah....you're right. I thought I could keep my emotions out of this. She's so beautiful, inside and out, and I thought I could have a friend (fwb) that I could sleep with, and someone to talk to, and I just got in way over my head. I want so much more than this. It's killing me that she doesn't want more, but I mean, I'm not stupid, I know all the reasons why.
> 
> ...


Why would she lie about being married? So that you wouldn't want a relationship since she's already taken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the collector (Aug 15, 2010)

Bro...if he is abusing her what would he do to you if he knew you were sleeping with her??? Hopefully it won't come to physical violence but still...you just never know these days...

Man what a complicated situation.I feel for you bro..I was involved with married back in '06.It was only online and over the phone though...it ended and I became a semi alcoholic..fortunately I got over the drinking.
I'm not gonna judge for the affair..I can't...I've been a cheater myself.The heart is crazy like that..life is crazy..we all just want to he happy...we make mistakes trying to find that happiness...if only life was easy...but it ain't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

nubly said:


> Why would she lie about being married? So that you wouldn't want a relationship since she's already taken.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Yeah I didn't think of that. Probably because it would be just...stupid...and it probably wouldn't work. Actually, if that's what she did, then it didn't work.



the collector said:


> Bro...if he is abusing her what would he do to you if he knew you were sleeping with her??? Hopefully it won't come to physical violence but still...you just never know these days...
> 
> Man what a complicated situation.I feel for you bro..I was involved with married back in '06.It was only online and over the phone though...it ended and I became a semi alcoholic..fortunately I got over the drinking.
> I'm not gonna judge for the affair..I can't...I've been a cheater myself.The heart is crazy like that..life is crazy..we all just want to he happy...we make mistakes trying to find that happiness...if only life was easy...but it ain't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can protect myself.

I don't think anyone believes me, but I really didn't know that she was married. She didn't tell me until two to three months in. I was shocked. And embarrassed. And that's why I didn't say anything. I never, ever would have even flirted with her if I knew she was married. I swear to God. I work with plenty of married women at work, and a few kind of get around. I would never, ever start anything with them. I steer clear of them. I don't want to be some kind of home wrecker or something. Ffs man. People think I want to hurt (or have absolutely no regard for) her kids? Are you crazy?

There are other things that I'm not even gonna divulge here. I'm getting raked over the coals enough as it is. Ffs man. F*** that noise. I'm just...gonna keep it to myself.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Why are so many people on here having such a hard time believing that she's married? I don't get it, I must be missing something. I mean, why would she lie about that? If anything, I would think that she would lie about being married and tell me that she's single.
> 
> .


Because her story is a stretch and she's already lied. Why wouldn't you be wary of anything she said regardless of what it was?


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

Wait what? A few days ago you were yelling and screaming in that other thread about how cheaters are selfish sociopaths with a complete lack of conscience..and now it turns out that you're sleeping with another mans wife.
What the hell man ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bizarre (Jan 21, 2014)

TenYears said:


> I think I'm done, man, I really think I am.
> 
> I texted my gf on the 4th, told her that I hoped she was having a good day, hoped she'd have a glass of red wine and relax and watch the fireworks with her kids.
> 
> ...


You didn't sign up for this? uh... you most certainly did. That is so crazy to me when people say that. SMH. Everyone says this but anyone messing with a married person knows exactly what they are getting into and its no reason to cry foul later. Sorry,...but not sorry. She and you should be ashamed of yourselves. >


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Confront her. Ask her where you stand in this relationship. The fact that she's not putting any effort pretty much answered that question, but I'm just assuming. Assuming is the mother of all **** ups. You should give her a call, say what you're feeling, and tell her to be honest because people lie.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Well, Ive said this already, idk how many times. I didn't know she was married.

I. Didn't. Know. She. Was. Married.

I. Didn't. Know. She. Was. Married.

Ffs man.

Judgemental much?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Farideh said:


> Confront her. Ask her where you stand in this relationship. The fact that she's not putting any effort pretty much answered that question, but I'm just assuming. Assuming is the mother of all **** ups. You should give her a call, say what you're feeling, and tell her to be honest because people lie.


Yeah, that's...a huge grey area. She says, with all the conviction her cute little pixie shaped body can muster up, that she does not want a relationship. But then she does things that completely, totally go against that. She does things that make me think she wants so much more.

Yeah, maybe is time for a talk.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

caveman8 said:


> Because her story is a stretch and she's already lied. Why wouldn't you be wary of anything she said regardless of what it was?


But he knows more than we do. We don't know the entire story. We don't know her personality.

I think her being married makes sense. Also that she might not have had any sexual relationship with him could be true. But if anything, that part might be fake. Lots and lots and lots of guys, and probably girls too, use that story on dating sites to have their adventures. It inspires sympathy, and makes it easier to justify. But it also happens in real life. I know a couple who hasn't had sex for 11 years because of his ED, and another one who hasn't had sex for 15 because they hate each other, but they're waiting for the kids to move out. Just because they're both super models doesn't mean they'll have sex every time they see each other.

TenYears- She might not be replying for many reasons. Kids will come first, and that likely means putting her husband before you.
She may also have a turbulent time at home.
Lots and lots of explanations here. Ask her when you see her.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

There are people in this thread that are just looking for any excuse to bash, and to shame me.

*sigh*

Sl** shaming.

Yes, lol, I'm a sl**. But I'm a damn good one.


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## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

No expert but it kinda sounds like you attach your self-worth and happiness to her?

Maybe that wording comes off too strong. But a lot of people do that type of stuff with someone they're interested in and since you're dating her it's not hard to conceive.

So when she leaves you hanging for long periods of time it wrecks you and you feel lost and probably have anhedonia towards most things.

There seem to be two questions. One, is the relationship good for both of you, and I'm not going to make any personal judgments there. Seeing as I don't know her at all and I only know you from posts.

The second question is, can you handle that her family might take priority at times?

Presuming that's why she leaves you hanging. Maybe it's time with friends, her two jobs and being too tired after, could be any number of things on top of family. But regardless of what it is can you adjust to that.

What I do know is it sounds like you get along well when you are together. So those questions should be given careful consideration and maybe you need to discuss it with her. Everyone is saying you need to end it and I won't deny that's a real possibility. But there is some chance, even if it's a small one, that this is good for both of you, maybe... again, not an expert.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

mattmc said:


> No expert but it kinda sounds like you attach your self-worth and happiness to her?
> 
> Maybe that wording comes off too strong. But a lot of people do that type of stuff with someone they're interested in and since you're dating her it's not hard to conceive.
> 
> ...


Maybe I do, maybe I do attach my self-worth and happiness to her. Idk. Sometimes it feels like my feelings for her are so, so much stronger than hers for me. I'm not that "clingy guy", I do give her plenty of space. I texted her July 4th to see how she was doing and haven't heard back, and I haven't texted or called her since. I figure she's just busy, with life. But I really, really miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss her giving me that "take me into your room now" look. I miss having her in my bed. I miss her smile, and the way she smells, and I miss undressing her...I miss her so much. She is so, so much more than just a fling. I want to protect her. I want to make her happy. I want her to be happy with me.

I think this relationship might actually be good for both of us. But there are all these loose ends, all these issues that need to be addressed, and I...just don't know if that's ever going to work out. And, more importantly maybe, I don't know if I can live with some of this as it is...some of it is driving me insane.

I totally understand that her family has got to take priority, I get that, I have kids of my own. I understand that. I just...it just drives me absolutely crazy, I get so, so depressed when I don't hear from her for a few days. I start thinking that she's gotten bored with me. Or maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. Or maybe she wants more than I can give her. It also drives me cray-cray that I seem to want her so much more than she wants me. I mean, physically and emotionally. She seems to be OK with really sporadic meetups, with even weeks in between sometimes. She's fine with it. I'm not. I don't know what to do about that.

Those are really the reasons I created this thread. Not to be bashed, or shamed by some of the users here. I guess I just need a clear-headed, unemotional second opinion. I feel like I'm in too deep in all of this to think clearly. I don't trust myself to make any decisions about our relationship right now. I'm way too emotional.

Thank you for the input. I thought a lot about your post. Those are the questions I need to find answers to.


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## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

TenYears said:


> I think this relationship might actually be good for both of us. But there are all these loose ends, all these issues that need to be addressed, and I...just don't know if that's ever going to work out. And, more importantly maybe, I don't know if I can live with some of this as it is...some of it is driving me insane.
> 
> I totally understand that her family has got to take priority, I get that, I have kids of my own. I understand that. I just...it just drives me absolutely crazy, I get so, so depressed when I don't hear from her for a few days. I start thinking that she's gotten bored with me. Or maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. Or maybe she wants more than I can give her. It also drives me cray-cray that I seem to want her so much more than she wants me. I mean, physically and emotionally. She seems to be OK with really sporadic meetups, with even weeks in between sometimes. She's fine with it. I'm not. I don't know what to do about that.
> 
> Those are really the reasons I created this thread. Not to be bashed, or shamed by some of the users here. I guess I just need a clear-headed, unemotional second opinion. I feel like I'm in too deep in all of this to think clearly. I don't trust myself to make any decisions about our relationship right now. I'm way too emotional.


Making important decisions about a relationship when your emotions are running high is disasterfuel. If you really consider ending this you should absolutely talk to her first. Really have a discussion about it. You can assume things about how she feels, what she wants, and all that but without talking to her you won't really know. It's far worse to throw away something that might be good than to risk it somewhat by discussing it.

Relationships are a lot like lightning in a bottle. Maybe there are women who look similar to her, with similar aspects that you relate to and admire, but there's no guarantee you'd hit it off with them. You may never get close enough to them, or them to you, to have the kind of connection that you do with your girlfriend.

Whether or not someone believes every individual is a unique snowflake, there is no denying that relationships are. You meet someone at a certain time, or it develops in a certain way, things just happen and chemistry forms that may not get replicated if you met another hundred women with her basic characteristics.

I'm not trying to say if this ends that you'd never have another relationship as good as this. But it definitely wouldn't be the exact same relationship. And that's true for both of you. She might not meet another guy as good as you or that is there for her like you. So that's worth at least trying to fight for. Or seeing if she feels like it is.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

*Update On This Trainwreck*

For those who don't know, and who are really, really bored and want to read this...

History is in the pages of this thread.

I just went almost two weeks without seeing, talking to, or texting my "girlfriend". I'm really not sure what we are anymore lol. Part of the reason we didn't see each other is because I missed work for health reasons. I was at the emergency room, for most of the day a week ago. I was almost admitted to the hospital. And when I came back to work this week, she didn't even ask how I was, if I was ok, if I was feeling better, nothing. That's really, really bothering me.

She's also....just....ffs....she's acting strange. Yesterday she was very passive aggressive, all day long, made a point of belittling me, and made me feel like I was committing career suicide by missing work for a whole week. She pretty much said that, but not in so many words. At the end of the day yesterday, she was just hostile...there's no other way to describe it. She was yelling at me at one point, in front of three other guys I was working with.

OK, now switch gears. Today I ignored her, I went on break and actually left the work location to avoid her. I did the same thing at lunch. I went out of my way to walk around her, and avoid her, and she saw me doing this. She started a conversation with me while we were alone at one point, and acted really friendly, she actually made eye contact with me, and got close to me, like she was really interested in talking. I didn't buy it. I talked to her, but after yesterday, I just didn't buy into it.

So right before quitting time, I was working with this girl, and my "gf" was working about six feet or so away from us. And we were flirting back and forth, mostly I was flirting with her. She had just had surgery (woman stuff) and was complaining about how the zipper in jeans kept hurting, irritating the scar. So I suggested she just show up for work tomorrow wearing boxer shorts or pajamas. The look one of the guys gave me that was next to us was just priceless lol. She kept bending over, and I swear to God, I know some of you won't believe me, but her boobs were showing, and I swear to God she was doing it on purpose. She kept saying, "Ughh this stupid shirt, and tugging at it, adjusting every time she got back upright". She must have done that twenty f-ing times, I swear.

Anyways I looked over at my "gf" and she just looked *absolutely, completely pissed off*.

Talk about getting mixed signals, man.

Once again, I don't know what to think about this girl, I can't get inside her head.

Yesterday she absolutely despises me, today she approaches and talks to me and acts jealous. I cannot figure women out, I really can't. I don't know if it's because some of them react solely on emotion, or if they're catty, or control freaks, or can't get rid of demons from their past, past boyrfriends...I have no idea.

I want to talk to her. I miss her. I'm serious, I really miss her, so much. But the way she acted yesterday REALLY pushed me away. At this point even just trying to talk to her about how I feel and about what's going on with us, would be such a huge risk. She's already burned me a couple of times in the last two weeks time. I'm starting to shut down, to put up walls, and shut her out. I don't want to, but it's just sort of a reaction...nobody likes to get burned...you can only have it happen so many times before you've had enough.

Would any of you take the risk and talk to her? Even though she might just tell you to f-off or laugh in your face or be really passive aggressive?


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I really am not one for games, to be frank. But, I guess you're doing the right thing...she thinks she's got you on her boy toy list...it's good to let her know that you've got your own life and interests going on.

If you have to game, I guess game on...keep playing hard to get until she makes her own decisions.

I wish I had that kind of magic with women to make them that interested. I'm good at making friends, but having women dropping clothing? That's a different level, altogether.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

KyleInSTL said:


> I really am not one for games, to be frank. But, I guess you're doing the right thing...she thinks she's got you on her boy toy list...it's good to let her know that you've got your own life and interests going on.
> 
> If you have to game, I guess game on...keep playing hard to get until she makes her own decisions.
> 
> I wish I had that kind of magic with women to make them that interested. I'm good at making friends, but having women dropping clothing? That's a different level, altogether.


 Thanks...your opinion matters to me, man.

I don't have "magic" with women, lol. At my workplace, there are several women that absolutely love to be flirted with, and they flirt back, even though some have boyfriends / husbands. It really feeds their egos, I think. But yeah, man, she was doing it on purpose, the first six or seven times she did it, I wasn't sure, but *duh* I mean come on she kept doing it over and over and over. I don't want to hurt my "gf", I really don't, but I don't mind making her a little jealous, not after the way she's been treating me. I have no problem with that, at all.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Lot of people here with judgment. Even in a terrible marriage she is always going to have guilt and obligations that you will never understand or hear about until a week later in your current situation. The best thing you could do is either have her divorce and have her be yours legit or walk away if it won't go that way - the position you're in is going to lead to a ton of pain and problems.


It sounds likely she is acting weird or avoiding you because her husband probably fought with her about it. Either that or something came up that made her feel weird about things.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

knightofdespair said:


> Lot of people here with judgment. Even in a terrible marriage she is always going to have guilt and obligations that you will never understand or hear about until a week later in your current situation. The best thing you could do is either have her divorce and have her be yours legit or walk away if it won't go that way - the position you're in is going to lead to a ton of pain and problems.
> 
> It sounds likely she is acting weird or avoiding you because her husband probably fought with her about it. Either that or something came up that made her feel weird about things.


Yeah, I've been here for a few years, and I'm always still amazed at how some members can so quickly and so easily pass judgment, on a mental health forum.

What you say makes a lot of sense. I mean, my divorce happened just a few years ago. And a lot of it had to do with my ex-wife cheating. I would say that I'm trying to somehow reconcile or come to terms with the past by acting out in my relationship with my gf, but that doesn't make sense because I didn't know she was married. She doesn't wear a wedding ring, not that I've ever seen. I didn't find out she was married until we were way, way into this, months into it.

She's not going to divorce him. That will never, ever happen. Even though they're just friends, and nothing more at this point.

If she keeps treating me like she did yesterday, I will kick her to the curb, I have no problem in doing that. Forget that. I will not put up with that.

I think it makes a whole lot of sense that maybe something came up that made her feel weird about things. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she wishes I was more, idk. Maybe she wants me to "fight for her". Maybe she has regrets. Idk.

I wonder what she's gonna be like tomorrow....I have no idea what to expect lol.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow, a lot has happened since the last time. Last time I checked you met this hot girl and were happily enjoying lots of great sex. Now she's married?!

If she lied to you about being married it wasn't your fault but how can you trust her now? 

Marriage is hard enough. Marriages go through tough times. Married people have moments of weakness and confusion. Why do you want to take advantage of that for sex? Think about her husband. How humiliating this must be fore him. Think about her children. 

People are just piling on you trying to give you the motivation you need to end this disgusting thing.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

AngelClare said:


> Wow, a lot has happened since the last time. Last time I checked you met this hot girl and were happily enjoying lots of great sex. Now she's married?!
> 
> If she lied to you about being married it wasn't your fault but how can you trust her now?
> 
> ...


Well, yeah she should have been upfront with me from the beginning. If she had, I probably would never have even pursued any kind of relationship with her. And I think that's maybe why she didn't. We talked for a while, I mean, as in days, a couple weeks, before she ever came over. She told me she had kids. I told her I did, too. I told her I was divorced. She just...never mentioned that she was married. I don't regret having a relationship with her...I'm not gonna lie about that. She's an awesome woman. I agree with what was mentioned earlier, I'm very attracted to her, and she's definitely one in a million, she's so beautiful inside and out, and I will probably never meet anyone like her, ever again.

I'm divorced, so I understand that marriages are hard, and they go through tough times. She's told me this is not just a tough time, and I believe her. She says it's over, and has been for a long time....they haven't even been intimate in over four years. They're staying together for the kids.

I'm not so much looking for people to tell me that I should "end this disgusting thing". I've gotten plenty of that. I guess I'm looking for the why. Yes, I know she's married, but for all intents and purposes, they are not even together anymore.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Do they sleep in the same bed?


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

TenYears said:


> I'm not so much looking for people to tell me that I should "end this disgusting thing". I've gotten plenty of that. I guess I'm looking for the why. Yes, I know she's married, but for all intents and purposes, they are not even together anymore.


I'm sorry if I seemed judgmental. I'm certainly biased when it comes to adultery. My ex-wife cheated on me. So, that's a sore spot for me.

I get that you felt like you met someone you click with and that's hard to find in this lonely world. You'll believe anything to hold on to that.

Just keep in mind that what she told you is basically what all cheaters say--my marriage is not working out and that's why I'm cheating.

I know one girl who is involved with a married man and that's the story he's telling her. My ex-wife didn't tell the man she met that she was married. And when he found out she made it seem like I was the bad guy when in fact we were in marriage counseling for her verbal abuse and borderline personality disorder.

If someone lies to you about something as serious as being married, it's like finding a single roach--there are more hiding behind the walls. Lying is part of her character and could very well be the reason her and her husband are estranged. Maybe you're not the first.

She's married. She lied to you about it. The wisest move is to walk away. But if you choose to proceed do so with great caution. Don't trust her. She needs to earn your trust. Verify everything she says.

And ask her, do you still sleep in the same bed as your husband? If the answer is yes then it's highly unlikely that they don't have sex.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

TenYears said:


> Well, yeah she should have been upfront with me from the beginning. If she had, I probably would never have even pursued any kind of relationship with her. And I think that's maybe why she didn't. We talked for a while, I mean, as in days, a couple weeks, before she ever came over. She told me she had kids. I told her I did, too. I told her I was divorced. She just...never mentioned that she was married. I don't regret having a relationship with her...I'm not gonna lie about that. She's an awesome woman. I agree with what was mentioned earlier, I'm very attracted to her, and she's definitely one in a million, she's so beautiful inside and out, and I will probably never meet anyone like her, ever again.
> 
> I'm divorced, so I understand that marriages are hard, and they go through tough times. She's told me this is not just a tough time, and I believe her. She says it's over, and has been for a long time....they haven't even been intimate in over four years. They're staying together for the kids.
> 
> I'm not so much looking for people to tell me that I should "end this disgusting thing". I've gotten plenty of that. I guess I'm looking for the why. Yes, I know she's married, but for all intents and purposes, they are not even together anymore.


Staying together for the kids is basically just wasting those good years the two of you could have been making a good life. She has made a choice already, a choice to use you when she feels like it and stick with him for financial support or to avoid dealing with the failed marriage. At any point she could either change her mind and decide to tell him everything, or he could find out and endanger you. She is intentionally leaving you in limbo which is selfish and she wouldn't if she actually cared enough to commit. You have already had something special but it will just go further and further downhill from where you were at, you might as well just give up on her and cut her loose - which is not really what you want to hear but it isn't going to end well no matter what else happens.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I appreciate the feedback. I really do, although some of it I disagree with and some of it is very hard to read. So thank you for that.

I asked for advice, I asked for feedback, and opinions. But I wonder how many of those giving advice have been in this situation before...starting a relationship with a girl and then finding out she was married several months into it. I don't mean to lace that with sarcasm, or any hostility at all...I just really do wonder how many have been in this situation.

I'm not proud of the fact that I'm dating a married woman. Despite some of the comments I've received in this thread, along with a couple of PMs, yes, you're absolutely right, it is somewhat embarrassing to have participated in another thread about cheating, and arguing how immoral and hurtful that is, and then finding myself in a relationship with a cheater. Congratulations. You're right. Maybe in some way my situation makes you feel better about your own. I don't know. And tbh, I don't care. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I really, really hope you find other ways to boost your ego and your self esteem. Otherwise you have a long, long road ahead of you.

I kind of broke the ice at work today, a little bit. And later on she talked to me. And we started flirting with each other again. At one point I was working on a project, and finished, and looked around and she was standing right behind me, staring at me. That was a bit creepy-ish. So I asked her "Uhmm...what are you doing...standing there so you can stare at my ***"? And she said that yes, she most certainly was, and she liked it. I won't go into more....there was just a lot of playful banter back and forth, reeeeally cheesy stuff. 

I've tried talking to her several times and chickened out. I'm gonna message her, and tell her how I feel. And, it's not all stuff that she may want to hear. I'm going to be brutally honest. Sometimes the way she treats me really, really upsets me, huge. I'm gonna call her out on that.

If she responds back and I feel like what we have still has a pulse, then I have some questions for her that I want to follow up with. If not, then well...acknowledge...move on. That's all I can do.

What we have is really amazing when it's "on". When we're on the same page, when we communicate, when we spend time together, when we talk and express how we feel and don't hold anything back, it's just...amazing. We can spend hours in the bedroom, and not even realize that we've just spent hours in the bedroom. She will come over after work, and not leave sometimes until pretty late, and have a pretty bad drive ahead of her.

My God, she is not the evil woman everyone is making her out to be. She's really not.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

TenYears said:


> . Maybe in some way my situation makes you feel better about your own. I don't know. And tbh, I don't care. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I really, really hope you find other ways to boost your ego and your self esteem. Otherwise you have a long, long road ahead of you.
> .


I guess all those bashing on Tim Hunt never considered that perhaps one day they themselves might one day say or do the wrong thing or be stuck in the wrong situation, accidentally or not, or be one with a minority opinion different from the masses.. And those doing so had no problem with Hunt's life being ruined.


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## ForeverInBloom (Oct 4, 2010)

What makes you believe that he doesn't care about her? She could be emphasizing that part but for all you know, he could be trying to work it out with her but she just doesn't. I know this because I've witnessed this happen with people I'm close with and the exaggeration is crazy.

Fankly, this is also her fault. She is choosing to cheat rather than communicate with her partner. If she isn't satisfied by her marriage with this man, why is she still with him then? She has the option of filing for divorce, or talk to him about their marriage but she is choosing to do neither.



TenYears said:


> Yeah, that's...a huge grey area. She says, with all the conviction her cute little pixie shaped body can muster up, that she does not want a relationship. But then she does things that completely, totally go against that. She does things that make me think she wants so much more.
> 
> Yeah, maybe is time for a talk.


When it comes to women, I think you should focus on what she does rather than what she says. A lot of times I've had women tell me something I like, then they do something completely different (and sometimes the opposite). What do you want? If she doesn't want what you want, hate to say it, but it seems like you're wasting your time.

If she only recently told you she was married, what does that say about this woman? Are you sure you want something with this woman, LTR wise?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Ugh, you guys are making my head huuuurt.

I can't know everything for absolutely sure, because I'm not there, at her house. I have to trust her.

He's on disability. According to her, he's perfectly capable of doing things that you and I do, driving, running errands, household chores and stuff, but he does nothing, he stays in bed all day. I think she's afraid to leave him because of the kids, but also because he is on disability. It doesn't pay much. Not enough for him to support himself. I believe he doesn't care about her. I believe he has nowhere else to go. She works two jobs to support him and her kids.

I can kind of understand why she didn't tell me right away that she was married. She probably thought it would scare me away. I mean, and she's right, it would have. This is the second time (at least, that I've posted this).

I really, really care about this girl. I really do. She ran into some trouble at work the other day (I posted about it in another thread) and I dropped everything. She was really upset, she was crying. And I did everything I felt like I could do to try to help her calm down, I talked to her, we talked for quite a while that day. I gave her my advice, as to what she should do. I gave her a big hug. And I tried to talk to her until she felt better. I let her vent. I listened. A lot.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is just incredible, it's amazing. But I love just hanging out with her, too. I told her all this in an email the other day. We've gone to the park, we've gone out to eat a lot, we've gone to the baseball park, and to the museum. I like being with her. Somehow I feel like a "normal" person when I'm with her. Well, almost lol. It's been a while since we've been together outside of work, probably three weeks now, and I still really, really miss her. And she's told me she wants to see me too.

Given the circumstances I just described, what's so wrong about that?

And, once again, she is not the horrible, evil woman you guys are making her out to be. She's really not.



ForeverInBloom said:


> What makes you believe that he doesn't care about her? She could be emphasizing that part but for all you know, he could be trying to work it out with her but she just doesn't. I know this because I've witnessed this happen with people I'm close with and the exaggeration is crazy.
> 
> Fankly, this is also her fault. She is choosing to cheat rather than communicate with her partner. If she isn't satisfied by her marriage with this man, why is she still with him then? She has the option of filing for divorce, or talk to him about their marriage but she is choosing to do neither.
> 
> ...


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