# Girls - what really turns you on?



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

I know, confidence, charm, being wined and dined...all that stuff...but I went from pretty confident in this department to clueless in the span of one weekend with my gf. She was never one of those girls that had sex like crazy with her boyfriends, so I feel I've made a lot of progress in that department because we do have sex fairly often (still not as much as I would like, but I'm a guy, I guess most of us have impossible expectations). 

The thing is, I did everything right this weekend, took her out to dinner, talked about her problems...just treated her right in every way, like usual...and we still didnt have sex the whole weekend. One night she was tired, the next day she wasn't in the mood, the next night it didn't even come up. Its like she's either turned on or not and there's no middle ground. I can't believe she could be that black and white on the issue.

The problem is it starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I start to feel resentful...like why am I putting so much effort in when she doesn't care about pleasing me ONE time in a whole weekend. I wish she was more into it, that there was more passion. It starts to make me realize I have to resort to game playing and being cocky and a dick to her just so she doesn't take me for granted.


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## AlisonWonderland (Nov 4, 2010)

Wow, you sound lovely. A real charmer. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity, it's NOT about 'her not caring about pleasing you ONE time in a weekend'.
1) She may have her period, don't push it.
2) She's just not that into you.
3) She's a bit sick of you being 'cocky and a dick' so that she doesn't 'take you for granted' that she's thinking she'll be better off without you. With someone that can make her orgasm.
Hope that helps.


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## Innamorata (Sep 20, 2011)

It sounds like you do that stuff just to get laid, not cos you actually care. Maybe that's your problem.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

AlisonWonderland:1059417599 said:


> Wow, you sound lovely. A real charmer. Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity, it's NOT about 'her not caring about pleasing you ONE time in a weekend'.
> 1) She may have a her period, don't push it.
> 2) She's just not that into you.
> 3) She's a bit sick of you being 'cocky and a dick' so that she doesn't 'take you for granted' that she's thinking she'll be better off without you. With someone that can make her orgasm.
> Hope that helps.


She's not on her period, she tells me that no guy has treated her as well as I have, and I give her orgasms nearly every single time. That's after NEVER having an orgasm from a guy in her life before. I don't even enjoy sex unless she gets off. Please don't presume to know me or how I treat people. I always put everyone else first...it's just that sometimes I wonder why?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Innamorata:1059417611 said:


> It sounds like you do that stuff just to get laid, not cos you actually care. Maybe that's your problem.


 Then I misrepresented myself. I do care about her. We talk about everything. She's said she has never been so open with a guy before, telling me things she never told her ex of 3 years. I DO care, but I also care about sex, and because I am sexually attracted to her AND i am a guy, it's hard to hang out with her for 3 days without getting sexually frustrated if we don't have sex. I must be crazy.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

rymo said:


> The thing is, I did everything right this weekend, took her out to dinner, talked about her problems...just treated her right in every way, like usual...


You mean that she didn't repay you with the sex that she clearly owed you after you were so nice to her? Outrage!!!!!!!


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Holy Christ forget I asked. Here's a guy fairly new to relationships trying to figure things and just getting blasted, on an SA forum no less. I am looking for a relationship that is romantic and has mutual passion, and I'm wondering why one weekend the passion would just disappear, especially when we had such a great weekend.


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

Well at least you got her this far I could only wish.


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## AlisonWonderland (Nov 4, 2010)

I apologise for presuming to know you, I judged purely on your first post, which may well not be a true representation of your personality.
Now, some advice for you, there is a reason you have been 'blasted'. Considering the amount of misogyny on this SA Forum, that's a shocker in itself. There'll be a post soon along the lines of 'women are such hoes. how dare she treat you this way. kill her. i hate women. women are evil', not to worry.

She may just not want to have sex. Some people just don't have high sex drives - even men, there could be many reasons - be it natural low sex drive or medication. If this is a problem for you I suggest you need to talk it over with her. Regardless, I suggest you talk it over with her anyway. We aren't mind readers, we just don't know her (or you). Ask her.


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## humourless (Sep 27, 2011)

A mature guy I imagine...well mature in years anyway.


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## AnxiousA (Oct 31, 2011)

rymo said:


> Holy Christ forget I asked. Here's a guy fairly new to relationships trying to figure things and just getting blasted, on an SA forum no less. I am looking for a relationship that is romantic and has mutual passion, and I'm wondering why one weekend the passion would just disappear, especially when we had such a great weekend.


How long ago was this weekend? (I mean, was it a one off weekend, or has it disappeared for a while?)

There are numerous things, libido is affected by things like medication, illness, depression, body image problems. Women can be really affected by things like stress or unresolved upset. Hormone problems, mestrual cycle (not necessarily TOTM, many women have a dip in interest at other times of the month) tiredness or overwork could all be a factor. Also, things like Anaemia.

Have you asked her if she is okay? Fluctuating sex drive is normal, but a sudden dip might be a symptom. Best thing to do is to ask her about it, but in a non confrontation way - make sure she knows you are coming from a place of concern and caring about her, not just because you want more sex!


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

shynesshellasucks:1059417637 said:



> Well at least you got her this far I could only wish.


I know what you mean..a year ago if I could see myself I would have been ecstatic..now it's nice but I still want more.. i want everything to be perfect. Maybe after years and years of misery I want everything to be perfect and Utopian...no worries no issues just fun and happiness...unfortunately that's not the reality of life....


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

We've talked about it in the past and she is tired a lot from her job, which I totally understand...but then when we sleep for 9 hours and its a Sunday morning with nothing to do it would be nice if we could share a passionate moment.

This is where I admit I screwed up bad, I kind of got quiet and ignored her like a baby for a few hours...its embarrassing to even think about..but I was so frustrated...I wish I wasn't so horny all the time, it's just annoying...

Yeh that didn't go over well but we talked about it and continue to do so so I hope we can be even better off in the end once we work through this


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Is she on the pill? Also, I think in general men are more into morning sex than women.


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## missalyssa (Jun 18, 2011)

Tease her all day a little to build up the tension... Like kiss her neck and nibble at her ears and whisper to her how hot she is.. Playfully give her a bum grab while making dinner etc. And lots of sexy eye contact... Then when u get into bed keep rubbing all of her sweet spots.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

au Lait said:


> You mean that she didn't repay you with the sex that she clearly owed you after you were so nice to her? Outrage!!!!!!!


I Lol'd,

Good sarcasm,


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## The Silent 1 (Aug 21, 2011)

It seems like the response to some of the misogynistic comments made on this site is to instantly demonize any guy who expresses issues with women, even at the point of misconstruing his words.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

rymo said:


> It starts to make me realize I have to resort to game playing and being cocky and a dick to her just so she doesn't take me for granted.


You know what works.

And I suspect you knew the kind of replies you'd get from women when you made this thread... 

And I think you know what to do now..


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## missalyssa (Jun 18, 2011)

Or try this!!! Let her sleep but when she gets up to shower ask to shower with her.. Then you get to playfully rub soap all over eachother and kiss her etc it's hot she might like it, just be careful where the soap gets and use lube! 

Or change up the technique try a comfortable position that won't hurt her. She might get sore from sex. Maybe have her lay down on her stomach and you go from behind? Or take it slow and sensual.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

No girl wants to have sex with a jerk. Period!
Stop being mean and maybe she will actually want to have sex with you.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

There was a bit of a flurry of accusatory responses and it's not surprising. While you might be frustrated that your sexual compatibility is out of sync, it is highly inadvisable that you treat her like a 'cocky dick' or start playing games. I think it would have more of a negative outcome than a positive one.

You need to explain to her that you are attracted to her and want to share passion, those are the key words. It's not just about sex, a great deal of it is made up by intimacy. 

With that said, it is understandable that you should feel out of place about it, but be sure not to let your moral fibres weaken as you look for a resolve in the situation.


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

For gods sake these people are a-holes to you man. Makes me feel kinda sick. You ask for honest help and everyone clamps their legs shut and shouts rape. I don't know if their like totally stupid or if they just lack a human soul but either way don't listen to them cause they don't know the sh** they're shoveling. 

You are in the right man. Sex is a part of a functional relationship, especially if it has been introduced into the relationship. So everyone else can put their jonas brothers chastity rings away for the time being or bugger off. If you are having difficulty in your relationship I'd say talk to her about it. Perhaps it is a chemical thing or perhaps it is a sign of ill health in the relationship. 

Whatever you do, don't trust these people. They're inability to recognize your human qualities is clearly a sign of their own poor existence. Rather, they are too f***ed up in their own minds to be able to help you mon frere. God I'm disgusted with you people right now I gotta get off here before something goes horribly wrong. Good luck to you. Hope things get better.


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## nonethemore (Oct 18, 2010)

Innamorata said:


> It sounds like you do that stuff just to get laid, not cos you actually care. Maybe that's your problem.


Exactly what I was thinking.


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## fingertips (Jan 11, 2009)

PLarry said:


> For gods sake these people are a-holes to you man. Makes me feel kinda sick. You ask for honest help and everyone clamps their legs shut and shouts rape. I don't know if their like totally stupid or if they just lack a human soul but either way don't listen to them cause they don't know the sh** they're shoveling.
> 
> You are in the right man. Sex is a part of a functional relationship, especially if it has been introduced into the relationship. So everyone else can put their jonas brothers chastity rings away for the time being or bugger off. If you are having difficulty in your relationship I'd say talk to her about it. Perhaps it is a chemical thing or perhaps it is a sign of ill health in the relationship.
> 
> Whatever you do, don't trust these people. They're inability to recognize your human qualities is clearly a sign of their own poor existence. Rather, they are too f***ed up in their own minds to be able to help you mon frere. God I'm disgusted with you people right now I gotta get off here before something goes horribly wrong. Good luck to you. Hope things get better.


uh, take that, strawwomen


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## cassandraobrero (Oct 28, 2011)

sexy talk during the day through text or calls before you meet at night.


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## Umirin (Oct 23, 2011)

Dump her bro !.. Any woman who uses their sexual power to make men do things is terrible..You sound like a real nice guy and shouldnt have to put up with that !


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## fingertips (Jan 11, 2009)

Umirin said:


> Dump her bro !.. Any woman who uses their sexual power to make men do things is terrible..You sound like a real nice guy and shouldnt have to put up with that !


but she didn't use her "sexual power" to make him do things. she just didn't want to have sex.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

I think this is a common problem in relationships, actually. So, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. I mean, it's just one weekend, right? She may just not be feeling it for that weekend. But, if it continues every time she sees you, watch for signs of her not wanting you to even touch her. That would be an indication that something is wrong with the relationship. But, if she's still affectionate otherwise, just cut her a little break. Maybe she's mad at you for something or, like I said, just not feeling it. Not a big deal...

As far as you saying you're nice...I understand why you say that. But, don't say that to her! Don't tell her, well, I've been soooo nice to you, why can't you at least... That won't work in your favor. Basically, don't make anything of it and don't pout over it. It's not that attractive, you know? If it becomes an every day kinda thing, then you can ask her what's going on. But, women don't want to feel like that's all you want or that's your ultimate goal. And, you could be coming across like that?


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## Umirin (Oct 23, 2011)

fingertips said:


> but she didn't use her "sexual power" to make him do things. she just didn't want to have sex.


_*The problem is it starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I start to feel resentful...like why am I putting so much effort in when she doesn't care about pleasing me ONE time in a whole weekend.*_

He shouldnt have to feel like hes doing something wrong, resentful and put so much effort into her and she cant even show her appreciation. A similar scenario would be some house wife conning her husband into buying her things/taking her out just so he can get a bit of action. Absolutley outrageous.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

nonethemore said:


> Exactly what I was thinking.


Well you couldn't be more off base. Read the rest of the thread before jumping to conclusions.



SAgirl said:


> No girl wants to have sex with a jerk. Period!
> Stop being mean and maybe she will actually want to have sex with you.


I'm not being mean, I'm not sure where you got that from. Yes, I made one mistake this weekend and pouted a bit like a baby, but I said that was a dumb mistake made out of frustration and we've since moved on. You also have to realize that she is immature in a lot of ways, and that I've gotten her to open up more than she ever has and she feels happy in a relationship for the first time in years. That's why I feel like, wow, I've done so much, and she's in such a good place, why wouldn't she want to have sex? I treat her like a princess but also challenge her at the same time...I'm confident around her, I please her, and I show her respect without being a doormat.

All that being said, I DID go over her house last night and we finally had sex. I just tried to be my same old self, expecting nothing, just going with the flow...I still had to initiate it but to my surprise she actually agreed. I'm not really sure what changed except that we got over the awkwardness that was this weekend...I just don't want to go through that again...as selfish or chauvinistic as it may sound, I do enjoy sex [with her] and I don't know if I could handle only having sex 30% of the time that I see her or so. I hope this trend doesn't continue but we'll see.

I did talk to her over the past few days and it seemed that she is just in a rut when it comes to certain things like her job, and that is why she wasn't overly turned on. My issue is, and this probably relates to my SA and lack of confidence, is that I want her to feel like she can escape from her problems when she is with me but sometimes I wonder if I have that ability. I feel like I am on vacation when I am with her, I want her to feel that same level of ease and comfort around me, but I guess that takes time.... What do the women think about that? We've been dating for over 2 months and as I've said she is more sexual than she ever has been with other guys (despite my whiny thread) and has opened up to me an incredible amount about a lot of things...but she still isn't always able to escape from her issues when she's with me. Maybe that's impossible, but that's what I want to work towards. That's not to say I just want to ignore problems - I want to talk about everything and try to work through things together, whether they are her issues, my issues, or issues with our relationship..and then at some point after that I just want us to be able to relax, enjoy each other's company, and have passionate sex (lol....)


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

fingertips said:


> uh, take that, strawwomen


Like a hollow man?


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Umirin said:


> He shouldnt have to feel like hes doing something wrong, resentful and put so much effort into her and she cant even show her appreciation. A similar scenario would be some house wife conning her husband into buying her things/taking her out just so he can get a bit of action. Absolutley outrageous.


That scenario is not even remotely the same.

She didn't feel like having sex. That is normal. No one should feel like they have to have sex, and no one should assume that their partner owes them sex b/c they ~do so much for them~. Relationships are about respect. You should do things for the other person b/c you care about them, not b/c you want to keep track of your deeds and tally up how much they owe you in return. And that respect extends to not trying to coerce your partner into doing something that they don't feel like doing. She shouldn't have to "show her appreciation" by doing something when she doesn't want to.



PLarry said:


> For gods sake these people are a-holes to you man. Makes me feel kinda sick. You ask for honest help and everyone clamps their legs shut and shouts rape.


lol what the hell. no one even mentioned rape in this entire thread.

so did you actually read the replies here or..?

Anyway, OP you're getting the replies that you are getting b/c it seems that you don't understand that sometimes people don't want sex. It's nothing personal, and you can't expect your partner to always be in the mood when you are. You can't make them want to have sex if they don't want to. There will be times in any relationship where one person won't be in the mood. That's just a fact of life. You also shouldn't expect to get laid just b/c you are nice to her. That makes it seem like you are disingenuous in your actions.

If you care about her, you would be nice to her regardless of whether or not you think it will get you sex. You also wouldn't resort to playing childish games or acting like a dick towards her as means to attempt to manipulate her into doing what you want. You've mentioned in past threads that her last boyfriend treated her like crap. I would hope that you would strive to be the polar opposite of what he was. But I can tell you up front, if you think that being a dick to her is the answer to your problem, then you are in the same league as the last guy.

I seem to recall you mentioning in another thread her asking you to wear cologne for her, and you refused, in order to "show her who's boss". Interesting now that you expect her to do something she didn't feel like, when you refused to do the same for her.


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

au Lait said:


> lol what the hell. no one even mentioned rape in this entire thread.
> 
> so did you actually read the replies here or..?


Most certainly. It is what we in the business call a flare for the dramatic. You know, beyond literal interpretation. Like a metaphor, allusion, allegory, etc. Come on, you know... something that is saying one thing but means something else.

The point being an overreaction to this guy's sexual impulses. But you would've figured that out eventually.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

PLarry said:


> Most certainly. It is what we in the business call a flare for the dramatic. You know, beyond literal interpretation. Like a metaphor, allusion, allegory, etc. Come on, you know... something that is saying one thing but means something else.
> 
> The point being an overreaction to this guy's sexual impulses. But you would've figured that out eventually.


People are reacting to the way he's speaking of the situation, not his sexual impulses. I don't think it's a good idea to throw the concept of rape around like that. It's a pretty serious topic.


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## iBlaze (Nov 1, 2011)

Best thing to do, just understand that she has her reasons for not wanting to do it. Get over it and move on, maybe she'll be passionate next weekend.

Just be lucky you have a girl that you're happy with :/


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

au Lait:1059419737 said:


> Anyway, OP you're getting the replies that you are getting b/c it seems that you don't understand that sometimes people don't want sex. It's nothing personal, and you can't expect your partner to always be in the mood when you are. You can't make them want to have sex if they don't want to. There will be times in any relationship where one person won't be in the mood. That's just a fact of life. You also shouldn't expect to get laid just b/c you are nice to her. That makes it seem like you are disingenuous in your actions.
> 
> If you care about her, you would be nice to her regardless of whether or not you think it will get you sex. You also wouldn't resort to playing childish games or acting like a dick towards her as means to attempt to manipulate her into doing what you want. You've mentioned in past threads that her last boyfriend treated her like crap. I would hope that you would strive to be the polar opposite of what he was. But I can tell you up front, if you think that being a dick to her is the answer to your problem, then you are in the same league as the last guy.
> 
> I seem to recall you mentioning in another thread her asking you to wear cologne for her, and you refused, in order to "show her who's boss". Interesting now that you expect her to do something she didn't feel like, when you refused to do the same for her.


I do treat her well, that was the only time I didn't and it was just out of pent up frustration. Its not going to happen again. I never said I treat her well just for sex, but I will admit I was frustrated when I created this topic and it shows in my first post. I also didn't say I treat her like a dick to get her to do things, but again I was frustrated and it was a passing thought related to the whole bad boy thing..."well if I ignore her and treat her like crap she wont walk all over me." The reality is, she doesn't walk all over me. That was just how it felt in that moment due to sexual frustration. That being said, if this becomes a regular occurence it would probably be a deal breaker for me because as much as it sucks I am horny almost 24/7 and I would have to find someone a little more sexually compatible.

NOW, as for the cologne thing. As I mentioned she is somewhat spoiled, somewhat immature...used to getting what she wants. The cologne thing was just one of many examples of what I believe were tests to see if I could handle her, to be strong enough to put her in her place. She has never specifically referenced that incident but she has said that she likes how I stand up to her and how i don't give in to her all the time. She wants someone confident and strong who can do that. What girl doesn't? Is wearing cologne that big of a deal? No...but her attitude about it suggested to me that she didn't really care one way or the other and she just wanted to test me (whether she knew that was the case or not). That's not to say I don't do things for her...that's far from the case..but I can tell when its better to stick to my convictions and when its better to take care of her needs. In other words, ill take care of her without drastically changing my ideals..unless it is for the better. And its true, she shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, I will never make her feel that way again, but deep down I do wonder if we are sexually compatible and if that will become an issue later on.


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

au Lait said:


> People are reacting to the way he's speaking of the situation, not his sexual impulses. I don't think it's a good idea to throw the concept of rape around like that. It's a pretty serious topic.


I think you might be taking me too literally again. But let's not argue over semantics, or else in a few posts we'll realize we have been agreeing this whole time but with different words.

The manner in which he speaks offends you and you have projected a character onto him as he has noted. You summed up his whole existence to fit your schema of him being a misogynist. The problem with that is that language as we have already found is a funny thing and open to interpretation. But regardless I concede.

We should get together and talk about the holocaust sometime.  (too soon?)


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## lad (Sep 26, 2011)

Some of the replies on this thread are ridiculous. Rymo nothing wrong with wanting sex because you're in relationship with someone you like.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

If I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the mood. There's really nothing a guy can do to change that and it's not a reflection of my attraction to him. When I was on the pill, I had virtually no sex drive. To answer your question, what turns me on is direct clitoral stimulation. Flowers, dinner, and talking are nice, but they aren't turn ons.


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## anonymous soul (Sep 8, 2011)

@ OP

Have you talked to her about it? from your description she doesn't exactly sound like a nympho...and she may have just not been in the mood..it happens


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Double Indemnity:1059419892 said:


> If I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the mood. There's really nothing a guy can do to change that and it's not a reflection of my attraction to him. When I was on the pill, I had virtually no sex drive. To answer your question, what turns me on is direct clitoral stimulation. Flowers, dinner, and talking are nice, but they aren't turn ons.


You don't get turned on mentally? Like if a guy is being funny, handsome and charming? Or if you listen to a sexy song that reminds you of some guy? Just through physical contact?


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

Here's my two cents, based on my experiences.

First off, there is no reason to be in a sexless relationship. Sex is not the only thing, but it is something. Have you considered that maybe she's not that into you, or the wrong person for you? You have every right to get the type of relationship you deserve, and that includes plenty of sex. If not her then someone else. The fact that she went a few days of seeing you without wanting to have sex should raise an eyebrow. Of course there will be ebbs and flows where you won't want any, or she won't want any, but I see a yellow flag. That's just me. 

I normally do not take a woman's advice when it comes to relationships (sorry ladies). Ever since I took on that philosophy my dating frustrations decreased. They are well intentioned but the problem is that their advice is pretty much all over the map. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, many, many times they will say one thing and do the complete opposite. Often they don't even know why. Good luck trying to figure that out. Instead of listening to her words, watch her actions. It'll speak volumes about what she really believes. What woman has a boyfriend she doesn't have sex with? That's saying something about how she feels towards you!

When a woman likes a guy, she wants to spend time with him, do things together, talk and share with him, and have sex. Plenty of it. When a woman is in a relationship with a guy she likes she typically wants to have more sex than he does.

There is no such thing as a perfect person or perfect relationship. Women are human, and so are we! However, I don't feel there is anything wrong with having a wish list of what you want in a relationship with a woman. Hell, I even show mine to women I date. It's a good way to communicate and see if you two are compatible, and start a dialogue. It also let's her know that you have standards and that if she wants to stick around then what's required of her. 

So here is what I'd do. What good is all this if there aren't some action items.
- stop taking her out to dinner and trying to impress her. Instead do the fun stuff you like to do and invite her along. It's a good way to check to see if you two are compatable, and if she is supportive of who YOU are.
- have fun, tease her, and try to have sex with her. If she says no then ask her what's wrong. 
- if the answer seems like BS then start dating other women, immediately. It just may require the breakup talk. 

Personally I'd rather be by myself, (or just have booty calls) as opposed to be in a sexless committed relationship with someone that I'm not compatible with.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

thenyteowl:1059419911 said:


> Here's my two cents, based on my experiences.
> 
> First off, there is no reason to be in a sexless relationship. Sex is not the only thing, but it is something. Have you considered that maybe she's not that into you, or the wrong person for you? You have every right to get the type of relationship you deserve, and that includes plenty of sex. If not her then someone else. The fact that she went a few days of seeing you without wanting to have sex should raise an eyebrow. Of course there will be ebbs and flows where you won't want any, or she won't want any, but I see a yellow flag. That's just me.
> 
> ...


Again it is not sexless and I do think she likes me..as I said she has sex more with me that she has with any ex, and I'm the first guy to even get her off. She even sent me a cute letter saying she likes me.

HOWEVER, you bring up a lot of great points and honestly...should I be satisfied just bc she's having a lot of sex compared to her past? I want to do two things. I want to follow your advice and do my own thing and invite her along and see if she is truly into me for the right reasons...and I want to talk about it if she doesn't want to have sex. If she gives me BS repeatedly then you're right...I should start looking for someone else. It just seems more and more that I am doing so much for her and that she doesn't really care about me (not just talking about sex)...and that she would rather just have someone that takes care of her. I am not going to fully jump to this conclusion yet but I will just continue on keeping the things you said in mind and reserve judgment for a bit.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

^^

Yeah, those silly women, what do they know about what they want. :blank

--------------------

OP, maybe you and her are just lacking in sexual compatibility. Sometimes both partners have to adjust to fulfill each other's needs and desires. Talk to her about it. If , however, you guys can't give and take enough to make each other happy in the long term, then it may just be a lost cause. She can't force herself to be completely different than she naturally is and neither can you. You have to decide whether the relationship is worth having with or without the sex. And remember that most people don't have an equal sex drive to their partner, some people just are more horny than others. Tell her how you feel when she shows no interest in having sex with you and let her explain her side. If you both try, you could reach a happy medium.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Yeh that's what I'm going to work on...getting to a happy medium...but now I am starting to come to a dreadful realization...I really am doing too much to please her...I watched gossip girl with her for christs sake..this is bull****...we have done a lot of things that we mutually enjoy but also a lot of things that only she enjoys...has she ever even tried to watch something I like? No...I even asked her to go out this Saturday to drink and go dance and she didn't even want to do that...what the ****?...how did I not realize this was going on? I am such a chump...

Now I KNOW I have to follow nyteowls advice...I am going to tell her that I am going to the bar on saturday and if she wants to come she can...instead of just succumbing to whatever she wants. Ughhhh when did I lose control of this situation so bad...


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## humourless (Sep 27, 2011)

rymo

I don't understand how you can reveal all these details about your love interest on a forum, have them discussed and analysed by other people and feel justified in doing so. Surely it's none of our business! I mean, how would you feel if she was doing the same thing on another forum about you? We are not going to hear her side of the story so I'm not surprised that female members here are defending her inability to match your sex drive.


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

diamondheart89 said:


> ... If you both try, you could reach a happy medium.


I disagree with you somewhat. If her sex drive is low I dont feel there is a need to reach a 'happy medium' with sooo many woman out there. Not with very important issues. It sounds more like he would be settling. Why not just find one he is more compatible with? He already stated the importance of the issue and the amount of sex he wants. He already stated that *he's* the only one really giving in the relationship.


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## humourless (Sep 27, 2011)

Next thread name? 

"She's too demanding in the bedroom!"


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

rymo said:


> ..I watched gossip girl with her for christs sake..this is bull****...


Gossip girls???? WTF! Lmao. Did you paint each others toe nails during the commercials? Lmao.

I'm just messing with you man. It happens to the best of us.

So let me get this straight:
- she doesn't really like sex with you that much
- you take her out and try to impress her, with out her returning the favor
- you watch all the programs she wants to watch
- you only go places she wants to go
- you ask her to do stuff and mostly it's "no."

*So you never get a chance to take the lead? She never follows you?*

Well, let me amend that. You are taking steps to plan things. She just never really follows your suggestions.

Hope you're enjoying your happy medium. Pretty soon it'll be "let's just be friends. I like you but I'm not in love with you. Come over, gossip girls starts in 30 minutes."


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

thenyteowl said:


> I disagree with you somewhat. If her sex drive is low I dont feel there is a need to reach a 'happy medium' with sooo many woman out there. Not with very important issues. It sounds more like he would be settling. Why not just find one he is more compatible with? He already stated the importance of the issue and the amount of sex he wants. He already stated that *he's* the only one really giving in the relationship.


Of course you have to compromise in any relationship. Unless he wants to be a perpetual bachelor or have short sex-based relationships for the rest of his life. The idea of people being discardable and interchangeable isn't very healthy. Sometimes people mean more to you than what you can get out of them, whether its sex, money, or whatever. I already stated that if he doesn't think it'll work in the long term then he should end it, but that he needs to keep in mind that he may face similar issues in most possible relationships.


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

humourless said:


> Next thread name?
> 
> "She's too demanding in the bedroom!"


I'd rather have this problem! I'm just saying....


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

I'll just add that one weekend does not a relationship make. One or two "not tonights" doesn't say anything about a person's libido or willingness to compromise or whatever. If you like this women, you might want to slow down a bit with the absolute determinations.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

thenyteowl:1059419995 said:


> rymo said:
> 
> 
> > ..I watched gossip girl with her for christs sake..this is bull****...
> ...


I'm exaggerating a bit and she does enjoy sex (when we have it). not to be explicit but she says I have the biggest "hands" she has ever seen and for the millionth time I am the first guy to give her orgasms. She just gets turned on and off like a candle flame blowing in the wind. She also says I make her feel special in a way her ex of 3 years never did. I do believe this, and I am not a complete doormat.

However I thank you profusely for making me come to the realization that I am starting to go overboard with her. Its getting ridiculous and it needs to stop. It's time for her to start showing her appreciation for me and becoming interested in what I want to do. If that's impossible for her, then its over.


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

What is going on in this thread? Someone asks a simple question and everyone attacks him as if he is some kind of sexual predator for having basic human desires. 

To the OP: I wouldn't worry about it, it was one weekend without sex, many have never had sex at all, so think yourself lucky (This is not a criticism, btw, just trying to act positive)! 

To the haters: Would you be so angry if it was a woman complaining that her partner didn't talk to her often enough? Or that her partner didn't buy her enough gifts? (These are examples, btw, not trying to stereotype.) Because clearly if a woman desires gifts and conversation, she is looking to be "repayed" for having sex or whatever with her partner, right? Strangely, I don't see anyone suggesting this.

There is a lot of misogyny in society and on this forum, but also a lot of misandry. It seems as if only the misogyny is ever noticed, and the misandrists get off scot-free.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

humourless:1059419957 said:


> rymo
> 
> I don't understand how you can reveal all these details about your love interest on a forum, have them discussed and analysed by other people and feel justified in doing so. Surely it's none of our business! I mean, how would you feel if she was doing the same thing on another forum about you? We are not going to hear her side of the story so I'm not surprised that female members here are defending her inability to match your sex drive.


I wouldn't care if she did that, I'm discussing these things to make the relationship better and figure things out. I have no malicious intent, and its not like anyone here would have any idea who she is, so who cares?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Atticus:1059420005 said:


> I'll just add that one weekend does not a relationship make. One or two "not tonights" doesn't say anything about a person's libido or willingness to compromise or whatever. If you like this women, you might want to slow down a bit with the absolute determinations.


You're right...I need to take a breath for Christ's sake...this relationship is like all I think about...hence gossip girls...but I need to relax. lol I'm all over the place today...but I can certainly take things as they come aand not jump to conclusions in 2 seconds.


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

diamondheart89 said:


> Of course you have to compromise in any relationship. Unless he wants to be a perpetual bachelor or have short sex-based relationships for the rest of his life. The idea of people being discardable and interchangeable isn't very healthy. Sometimes people mean more to you than what you can get out of them, whether its sex, money, or whatever. I already stated that if he doesn't think it'll work in the long term then he should end it, but that he needs to keep in mind that he may face similar issues in most possible relationships.


I agree with you, and again I disagree with you.

I agree with you in that there is definitely compromise in any healthy relationship. All adults compromise with all relationships. Of course.

Stopping a relationship that isn't working out for you is also healthy. I feel it's one of the healthiest things you can do. Sticking around in a relationship where you are unhappy to me isn't healthy. Why stay someplace where you are not getting your needs met? That brings up an even more important question; what are his needs? What does he have to have in a relationship, and what will he not tolerate. Those are the things I don't compromise on. Other stuff is negotiable.

Taking note that he has dating options is not a bad thing. Developing them isn't a bad thing either. It's not that he is discarding people because he can't get something out of them. It's discarding situations where he isn't getting HIS needs met. At least the important needs, what ever that may be for him.

If the tables were turned, and it was a woman complaining about a guy she was dating that never took her out, never really reciprocated her nice gestures, never did anything she wanted to do, didn't really want to have sex with her that much, and only wanted to watch guy flicks...I'm sure the conversation would be different. There would be no problem telling her to date some other men, or at least to notice the yellow flags.


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

Atticus said:


> I'll just add that one weekend does not a relationship make. One or two "not tonights" doesn't say anything about a person's libido or willingness to compromise or whatever. If you like this women, you might want to slow down a bit with the absolute determinations.


Well said. Good point. I agree.

However, there are a few yellow flags that he's noticed. Keep an eyebrow up is all I'm saying. Even if only briefly. Relationship issues usually show themselves early.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

thenyteowl said:


> Well said. Good point. I agree.
> 
> However, there are a few yellow flags that he's noticed. Keep an eyebrow up is all I'm saying. Even if only briefly. Relationship issues usually show themselves early.


I'd file it away, too. The weekend and some of both of their actions probably mean something if they become parts of patterns.


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## humourless (Sep 27, 2011)

rymo said:


> I wouldn't care if she did that, I'm discussing these things to make the relationship better and figure things out. I have no malicious intent, and its not like anyone here would have any idea who she is, so *who cares?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Not you apparently.
> 
> To some extent we are fortunate that people like yourself are willing to divulge their personal life in detail, in order for the rest of us to reflect on our own situation. But does our feedback really help your relationship? In my opinion it trivialises or demeans what might potentially be a very important partnership for both of you. Some things are sacred. But each to their own I suppose.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

*ignores **** storm*

Intelligence is hot.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

YAHSAVEmePLEASE said:


> I'm good to go then :yes


Are the ladies all over you?


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## thenyteowl (Oct 26, 2011)

rymo said:


> ...However I thank you profusely for making me come to the realization that I am starting to go overboard with her. Its getting ridiculous and it needs to stop. It's time for her to start showing her appreciation for me and becoming interested in what I want to do. If that's impossible for her, then its over.


I just texted my girlfriend. We are making plans to meet this Thursday, and spend Friday together.

Me: we can either go out on Thursday night, and do some stuff on Friday, or you can come by me Thursday night and we can drink some wine....

Her: let's go by you on Thursday. Make sure you have x and y so I can make breakfast for us. I will bring z.

Me: Done. Can't wait to feel your warm body, and do you....

Her: blah, blah, blah

Me: blah, blah, blah

See how simple it was. I suggested something, we agreed on something mutually, and then I flirted with her a bit. She brings something to the table, and so do I. Last week I cooked for her, just because I wanted to. She did so for me a few days ago, because she wanted to.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

rymo said:


> You don't get turned on mentally? Like if a guy is being funny, handsome and charming? Or if you listen to a sexy song that reminds you of some guy? Just through physical contact?


Yes, I get turned on mentally/visually, but what I described is the only thing that's made me go from "not tonight" to "ok." I wouldn't suggest you start doing that though if she's made it clear that she's not interested.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

YAHSAVEmePLEASE said:


> :no


:yes


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

WalkingDisaster said:


> There is a lot of misogyny in society and on this forum, but also a lot of misandry. It seems as if only the misogyny is ever noticed, and the misandrists get off scot-free.


The OP said some things that have not represented his relationship in the best light. He has recanted on those things in additional posts and explained himself further. People reacted to his initial post, as it gave off a very entitled air.

Calling one man out for something like that does not equal hating all men.



PLarry said:


> The manner in which he speaks offends you and you have projected a character onto him as he has noted. You summed up his whole existence to fit your schema of him being a misogynist. The problem with that is that language as we have already found is a funny thing and open to interpretation.


Can you please point out to me where I called the OP a misogynist? I'm curious what I said that caused you to jump to that conclusion.

But then perhaps it wasn't anything I said here at all. I've noticed a trend lately where people seem to assume that I view all men as misogynists based on my pointing out specific instances of sexism in other threads. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I do not view all men as misogynists. Just because I have pointed out misogynistic posts in the past does not indicate in any way how I see all men everywhere forever.

Also, I would like to know where I said that what wrote offends me. Because it doesn't. He posted his situation, and I posted my thoughts on it. All I can go on are his words, as this is a forum which relies on written communication and I do not know him personally. Might I be wrong? But of course. However, all I, or anyone else here, can react to are the words he has written. Doesn't mean I was personally offended. Just calling it how I see it based on what he said here.

It would seem that there is some projecting going on in this thread after all. Though not necessarily from me.



PLarry said:


> We should get together and talk about the holocaust sometime.  (too soon?)


Nah I'm good. But thanks for the offer.


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

au Lait said:


> But then perhaps it wasn't anything I said here at all. I've noticed a trend lately where people seem to assume that I view all men as misogynists based on my pointing out specific instances of sexism in other threads. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I do not view all men as misogynists. Just because I have pointed out misogynistic posts in the past does not indicate in any way how I see all men everywhere forever.


Oh no, you don't need to justify yourself. It was my bad. I seriously thought you were some other douchebag. Silly me. :troll Sooo... whoops. 

BUT... this aint over.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

rymo said:


> I know, confidence, charm, being wined and dined...all that stuff...but I went from pretty confident in this department to clueless in the span of one weekend with my gf. She was never one of those girls that had sex like crazy with her boyfriends, so I feel I've made a lot of progress in that department because we do have sex fairly often (still not as much as I would like, but I'm a guy, I guess most of us have impossible expectations).
> 
> The thing is, I did everything right this weekend, took her out to dinner, talked about her problems...just treated her right in every way, like usual...and we still didnt have sex the whole weekend. One night she was tired, the next day she wasn't in the mood, the next night it didn't even come up. Its like she's either turned on or not and there's no middle ground. I can't believe she could be that black and white on the issue.
> 
> The problem is it starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I start to feel resentful...like why am I putting so much effort in when she doesn't care about pleasing me ONE time in a whole weekend. I wish she was more into it, that there was more passion. It starts to make me realize I have to resort to game playing and being cocky and a dick to her just so she doesn't take me for granted.


Sex should not be the first goal of this relationship. That's the problem - from what you wrote, it looks like you are performing for her. That's not genuine. As for "sexual compatibility", is there really a such thing? You are too different people, that's all.


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## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

au Lait said:


> The OP said some things that have not represented his relationship in the best light. He has recanted on those things in additional posts and explained himself further. People reacted to his initial post, as it gave off a very entitled air.
> 
> *Calling one man out for something like that does not equal hating all men.*


I never suggested it did, and I didn't mean this thread particularly, although I think it is an example of how often on this site men's sexual or relationship problems are belittled, and the man often made to feel as if he is being too dominant or fixated on sex. I thought that it was unfair for so many people to assume that because the OP wanted to have sex with his partner, that all he ever wants is sex from a relationship, which I highly doubt is true.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

rymo said:


> I know what you mean..a year ago if I could see myself I would have been ecstatic..now it's nice but I still want more.. i want everything to be perfect. Maybe after years and years of misery I want everything to be perfect and Utopian...no worries no issues just fun and happiness...unfortunately that's not the reality of life....


I know what you mean. You get a hint of what it's like, then you realize what you've been missing out on all this time...and you become greedy and impatient and want it all right now.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

rymo said:


> NOW, as for the cologne thing. As I mentioned she is somewhat spoiled, somewhat immature...used to getting what she wants. The cologne thing was just one of many examples of what I believe were tests to see if I could handle her, to be strong enough to put her in her place. She has never specifically referenced that incident but she has said that she likes how I stand up to her and how i don't give in to her all the time. She wants someone confident and strong who can do that. What girl doesn't? Is wearing cologne that big of a deal? No...but her attitude about it suggested to me that she didn't really care one way or the other and she just wanted to test me (whether she knew that was the case or not).


FYI, in regards to the actual title of this thread: as a girl, yes- cologne is a definite turn-on. Anyway, from the way you've described the situation, it sounds like she wasn't asking you to wear it for a sweet, flirtatious reason though...


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Atticus hit the nail on the head, IMO. You seem to be moving too quickly here, as proven in a past thread I replied to. Slow down and take it easy dude. Let things progress naturally and dont force them. So the sex isnt at the level you'd like it to be. That doesnt mean that it will always be this way. As the relationship progresses, feelings will build and that fire will burn hotter. 

Heres a cheesy metaphor for the night. 
"Throw wood on the fire instead of gasoline".


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