# Guy I met online wants to meet in person, am terrified



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

For the past few weeks, I've been emailing and texting a guy I met online through last.fm. We have a lot in common and he seems like a wonderful person. He's mentioned meeting up several times and so far I've been making excuses not to (can't afford to travel, am busy with work, etc), which are partly true, but actually I'm just petrified. My anxiety is manageable most of the time, but this kind of situation is the sort of thing that would cause me to have a huge panic attack unless I got very drunk beforehand. I'm severely lacking in confidence and am pretty sure this guy would be majorly put off by how I am in person after getting to know me online. The two don't really match up. I'm terrified that I won't live up to his expectations, whatever they might be, and further proving my own fear (that's been well-founded in the past) that I invariably end up putting people off/causing them to lose interest. I would like to meet him but I'm just too scared. I don't want to **** up a potential friendship. The foundations are there from our online/text conversations but I feel like I'd blow it by meeting him in person. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can deal with the anxiety of this?

EDIT: I don't know exactly what his intentions are. I don't know if he's interested in me romantically or just as a friend, but I'd really like to be able to gather the courage to meet him.


----------



## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

Maybe you should talk on the phone first. That might alleviate some of your anxiety and concerns about not being the same person as you are in "real life." Just keep in mind that I'm sure he's nervous too.


----------



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

Double Indemnity said:


> Maybe you should talk on the phone first. That might alleviate some of your anxiety and concerns about not being the same person as you are in "real life." Just keep in mind that I'm sure he's nervous too.


That's a good idea but I think I'd be almost as anxious doing that as talking to him in person  What I need is some kind of confidence quick-fix, but I don't think that exists. I'm wondering if I should wait until I've started therapy next month and am feeling better in myself before I meet him, or stop texting/emailing him altogether and think of a reason why I don't think we should stay in touch. I'm so sick of avoiding/missing opportunities because of my ridiculous problems.


----------



## NoIce (Sep 10, 2011)

Don't be concerned with being confident; just go. Assume and accept that you will be super anxious, and be honest with yourself that that is just the kind of person you are right now.

Does he know about your condition?


----------



## Rest or Real? (Apr 1, 2011)

Skype?


----------



## jillfie (Dec 10, 2011)

Skype has helped me to be less nervous with someone I just met


----------



## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Oh my!

I think you may talk to him on phone before meeting him. I think good idea. I hope he doesn't talk in maths.


----------



## forex (Dec 29, 2010)

why don't you tell him the truth ?
if you tell him your fear of failure/anxiety will be less because he'll understand the situation and he will act on it.


----------



## ZeroX4 (Feb 25, 2010)

^That, pretty much.

Just be honest with him about how you feel when it comes to meeting in person. He should understand. If you continue to make a lot of excuses, he'll probably think he's the _problem _here.

If you actually decide to see him, just try to have fun and not worry about this imaginary contest of needing to "live up" to his expectations. If he's really a good guy, it really won't matter. For all you know, he might be just as scared/anxious as you, if not more. I think talking on the phone would be a good thing to do before meeting up.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Just be honest with him. Talking on the phone or skyping is a good idea.

Ok I usually say this to guys but it applies to chicks as well. The person that you portray online, unless you're lying, is the _real you_. The shy, timid person you portray in real-life is NOT the real you. It's your SA holding back your true self.

Never let your SA define who you are and rob you of your individuality.


----------



## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

I'd tell him the truth. With the friends I've met offline I was always upfront about my emotions and my intentions and always made them clear to them. And in return they were too, which helped make our meet-ups more successful.

And he's most likely as anxious/nervous as you are, so talk to him.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Drink a little bit before the date or take a vicodin.


----------



## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

I'm exactly the same way so I guess I'm looking for helpful advice too.


----------



## intelligentsensory (Dec 19, 2011)

either the guy wants sex, a GF, or a wife... either way i am sure he is interested in you... like you are in him too. that is how the game is played... both are interested and want to move to the next level. for a girl, you can just make yourself look pretty, use perfume, and don't forget what you two talked about.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

tutliputli said:


> I'm wondering if I should wait until I've started therapy next month and am feeling better in myself before I meet him, or stop texting/emailing him altogether and think of a reason why I don't think we should stay in touch.


Don't just 'stop'. That's the type of thing you regret even years down the road, wondering what could have been.

I'd suggest going with the truth. And really, how he reacts to 'the truth' will be a good indicator of whether or not he's worth meeting in the first place. Tell him your anxious about it and that you'll do it when you're ready.


----------



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Deep down I know it would probably be best to be honest with him, but I'm worried how he'll take it if I tell him I have anxiety and depression. Some people aren't open-minded about mental health issues and opening up about my problems has caused me a lot of upset in the past.



NoIce said:


> Don't be concerned with being confident; just go. Assume and accept that you will be super anxious, and be honest with yourself that that is just the kind of person you are right now.
> 
> Does he know about your condition?


You are absolutely right. It's just really, really hard to accept because I'm anything but ok with the kind of person I am at the moment.

I mentioned that I'd left uni due to 'some problems with anxiety' (pretty vague) and he didn't comment, but it was just a small detail in quite a long email so maybe he didn't even register it. I also mentioned that I'm shy and that I'd be nervous meeting him, but he didn't really comment on that either.



phoenixwright said:


> Just be honest with him. Talking on the phone or skyping is a good idea.
> 
> Ok I usually say this to guys but it applies to chicks as well. The person that you portray online, unless you're lying, is the _real you_. The shy, timid person you portray in real-life is NOT the real you. It's your SA holding back your true self.


Yeah, I agree. Coming off as dull and/or devoid of personality is something I really stress over. I've almost convinced myself that not meeting him in person and keeping communication strictly online is preferable to meeting him and him being put off. My self-esteem is fragile and I don't know if I could handle that.



Just Lurking said:


> I'd suggest going with the truth. And really, how he reacts to 'the truth' will be a good indicator of whether or not he's worth meeting in the first place.


Yeah. You're right.

Hmm :sigh


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

tutliputli said:


> Thanks for the advice, everyone. Deep down I know it would probably be best to be honest with him,* but I'm worried how he'll take it if I tell him I have anxiety and depression. Some people aren't open-minded about mental health issues* and opening up about my problems has caused me a lot of upset in the past.


Yeah I have the same concerns. People say that it's best not to reveal your problems to someone when you first get to know them. But when people start asking questions about you to get to know you, they will inevitably see that something is amiss with you. And it just seems like I make things WORSE the more that I hold off on explaining the SA thing once they have this idea in their head that something is amiss about me. In the beginning stages when someone gets to know me, I have my avoidance shield up very high. I evade asking questions, I try to reveal as little as possible. I try to "find a way out". I try to redirect the conversation towards the other person.



> Yeah, I agree. Coming off as dull and/or devoid of personality is something I really stress over. I've almost convinced myself that not meeting him in person and keeping communication strictly online is preferable to meeting him and him being put off. My self-esteem is fragile and I don't know if I could handle that.


I have worries about appearing dull and devoid of personality as well. But he has talked with you for weeks and he wants to meet with you. So there's a good chance that he doesn't feel you are dull and devoid of personality. And even if he rejected you after the meeting, it's important to not be discouraged. You can't depend on his approval to prop up your self-worth. That's fake confidence.


----------



## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'd say to also try skpe first.


----------



## clt851988 (Jun 9, 2011)

I've been in the same situation before and in fact I made plans with a guy I met online to meet him for the first time on New Years Eve. Even though I've done this sort of thing 4 times already it doesn't make it any easier but I just think that meeting up with this person could be the start of a great relationship. In fact, I met my ex this way.

Remember, you only have one life and you should take risks otherwise you're not really living.


----------



## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

How far away are you two? You said something about traveling. If it's really far, I wouldn't suggest it. Long-distance relationships are bogus. 

And yes, if he wants to meet you, his intentions are romantic.


----------



## NoIce (Sep 10, 2011)

tutliputli said:


> Thanks for the advice, everyone. Deep down I know it would probably be best to be honest with him, but I'm worried how he'll take it if I tell him I have anxiety and depression. Some people aren't open-minded about mental health issues and opening up about my problems has caused me a lot of upset in the past.


It is of course your own choice, but I would wonder...
If you are interested in him, wouldn't knowing his stance on such things be important?

Maybe telling him has more weight behind it than you think! 
How would you feel if you got to know him more, something happened, and THEN you found out that he has a chip on his shoulder about those with mental illnesses?
Of course this is the worst case scenario, but his reaction to your confession could be as important as the act of you telling him.



> You are absolutely right. It's just really, really hard to accept because I'm anything but ok with the kind of person I am at the moment.


I'm going to get all preachy for a second here :um.
So, consider my post finished here if you'd rather I not :b, and I wish you every luck with this whole thing!

I remember a realisation I had before almost as my recovery started. I think sometimes we view getting better as transforming into an better self, when in fact it is more like moving what you have now to a better place.

No matter how much you may hate what you are now, you need to be real with it; not because it is "_One of the Ten-Top-Tips! to change your life 4ever!", _but because the process of re-evaluation is an organic one. You're always going to carry a bit of the side you hate right now, and if you don't accept it regardless of how bad it is, then you will always end up hating or regretting a part of yourself.

99% of my SA is gone, but I don't feel all that different, I am the same person and I'm ok with that, I just feel like my circumstances have changed. I don't think I couldve got to where I am now without accepting and taking ownership of what I had.

I think this is a good time for you to do the same, and if everything goes mammaries-up, you'll know that at least it went that way with you being as honest as you could have been, and not holding anything back. If it does work out, then you'll be in a real, open, honest relationship, and you won't feel like youre hiding things in the closet.

sus I really don't like it when I sound like this)


----------



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

Just a little update: I explained about my anxiety and depression in an email, and that this would affect when I'd be able to meet him. He sent me a text saying he totally understood, that there was no pressure to meet anytime soon and to take my time. He texted me yesterday asking if we could meet next month. Theoretically that'd be fine, but I'm quite run down and stressed at the moment and I feel different every day, so I don't want to make any solid plans yet. I don't want him to think I'm fobbing him off if I have to postpone meeting again


----------



## Nathan Talli (Dec 13, 2010)

Why not just message him on a day when you are feeling awesome with low anxiety? Yeah he might be busy, but he might not.


----------



## papaSmurf (Jun 16, 2008)

tutliputli said:


> What I need is some kind of confidence quick-fix, but I don't think that exists.


It doesn't, unfortunately! Certainly it would be nice to find some way to shed all your anxieties before meeting up, but if you keep putting things off until then you might never meet up at all. The reality is that you are going to be nervous no matter what when you first meet this hombre, but there's no reason that should preclude you from having a good time! The dude obviously enjoys talking to you, and that's unlikely to change even if you are a bit anxious. It's also worth keeping in mind that all the talking you guys have done already should make it fairly easy to fall back into your usual conversational style once the initial shock of meeting has worn off.

And heck, if he's the type to be put off by the nature of your personal struggles (it sounds like he's not, based upon what you've said!), then he's hardly worth your time anyways.

Definitely I agree with all the folks who suggested that you ease into things by talking on the phone first, though.



> ...or stop texting/emailing him altogether and think of a reason why I don't think we should stay in touch. I'm so sick of avoiding/missing opportunities because of my ridiculous problems.


Don't do this, whatever you do! Like you say, you'll only regret it if you blow him off. With that in mind, your options are to ignore him and be miserable, or to meet up and potentially have a great time. Sure, it'd hurt were you to get rejected(which, again, is super unlikely!), but I imagine the beating you'd give yourself for avoiding this opportunity altogether would be nearly just as bad. It's scary for sure, but all the best things in life require you to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Don't let such a great chance slip away just because it might not be perfect!


----------



## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

As others have said using skype is a good idea. A lot of the time with these online friendships things aren't always the same when the persons meet face to face. The chemistry can just not be there or it feels too weird making it an awkward rather than pleasurable experience. Talking on video cam can do a lot to help bridge that gap. It can be quite intimidating but really it's a win-win situation. If it goes well then it bodes well for when you meet up properly and if it doesn't for whatever reason you can save yourself a lot of time.


----------



## LittleSister (Jan 22, 2011)

I used to talk to a guy for like a year. We were pretty heavily emotionally involved with each other, so much so that he came over from the UK to meet me! He was here for a month... I soon realised we weren't as compatible as a couple as I thought... We had good times though. 

Don't put off meeting him for too long - there are just some things you can't gauge over the internet. Even on Skype. 

I met a guy off the net again a year ago, we met after a week or so of chatting. He was great, we're living together now 

If he's into you, he'll happily come to you. And yes, it sounds like his intentions are romantic...


----------



## tutliputli (Feb 22, 2009)

Nathan Talli said:


> Why not just message him on a day when you are feeling awesome with low anxiety? Yeah he might be busy, but he might not.


That's a good idea. I could spring it on him - then maybe he'll be the one who's anxious :lol



papaSmurf said:


> It doesn't, unfortunately! Certainly it would be nice to find some way to shed all your anxieties before meeting up, but if you keep putting things off until then you might never meet up at all. The reality is that you are going to be nervous no matter what when you first meet this hombre, but there's no reason that should preclude you from having a good time! The dude obviously enjoys talking to you, and that's unlikely to change even if you are a bit anxious. It's also worth keeping in mind that all the talking you guys have done already should make it fairly easy to fall back into your usual conversational style once the initial shock of meeting has worn off.
> 
> And heck, if he's the type to be put off by the nature of your personal struggles (it sounds like he's not, based upon what you've said!), then he's hardly worth your time anyways.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your wise words, this all makes a lot of sense. I totally agree with you, and I really do hope that we'd be able to slip into natural conversation quite easily given that we've communicated regularly online for a while now. The regret of not going would be far worse than the feeling of rejection and it's always good to try and push yourself in certain ways.



andy0128 said:


> As others have said using skype is a good idea. A lot of the time with these online friendships things aren't always the same when the persons meet face to face. The chemistry can just not be there or it feels too weird making it an awkward rather than pleasurable experience. Talking on video cam can do a lot to help bridge that gap. It can be quite intimidating but really it's a win-win situation. If it goes well then it bodes well for when you meet up properly and if it doesn't for whatever reason you can save yourself a lot of time.


Yeah, I might suggest it. I'm not worried about chemistry because I don't want anything like that, but I am hoping that he could be a friend.



LittleSister said:


> I used to talk to a guy for like a year. We were pretty heavily emotionally involved with each other, so much so that he came over from the UK to meet me! He was here for a month... I soon realised we weren't as compatible as a couple as I thought... We had good times though.
> 
> Don't put off meeting him for too long - there are just some things you can't gauge over the internet. Even on Skype.
> 
> ...


Aw, that's awesome that things worked out so well for you. Congrats! Yeah, he's already agreed to come to me but it's not too far anyway (only an hour's train journey).

Hmm, I need to think about all this. Thanks for all the replies and advice everyone.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Just to warn you, I get suspicious of girls online who delay meet-ups repeatedly. The last time that happened to me, the girl had a boyfriend the entire time that she was talking to me. She's one of those attached women who flirt with guys online because they're not quite emotionally satisfied at home. If I was that guy, I probably would still chat with you. But I wouldn't invest too much into you and I'd be talking to other girls on the side. Since I'd have no idea in that situation if you were telling the truth or you were just some bored married housewife seeking attention... You just never know with the internet. It's not always real. Syndacus the other day referred to Plenty of Fish as Plenty of Flakes. So true. Online dating is filled with a bunch of BS.


----------



## ShyGirl123 (Jan 10, 2012)

When I had to get a tooth pulled I was extremely anxious, about people being inside my mouth that is. I was given these little anxiety pills that helped more than I could've asked for! See if your doctor can prescribe anything like that!


----------



## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

^good advice


----------

