# I'm really really obsessed with my best friend. Please help.



## DarkFox

So, I have this best friend that I am extremely attached to. I've known him my whole life since we went to the same church as little kids, but we started becoming really close a year and a half ago, and remained best friends ever since. We both have social anxiety and we both are extremely shy, which is probably why we became best friends. I have other besties too but he is number one in my book. He's the only friend I have that doesn't have another group of friends to hang out with. He's always open for me to come talk to him. I look up to him like a big brother, and I always have the urge to hug him. I just wish I could cling to him and snuggle up to him without it being weird. At home, he's always in my mind. I'll usually roll my blanket into a ball, hug it, cuddle it, and pretend it's him. He's the only reason I look forward to school every day. If he doesn't call me for one day, I'll burst into tears missing him. I lay in my bed fantasizing about him constantly, I'll fantasize about us cuddling, about me stroking his hair, just different things like that. But the weird thing is is that he's rude. Not as mean as he used to be last year, but still comes off as rude. He used to purposely hurt my feelings and make me cry, but I always came running back to him. Now he's not as mean anymore but like I said he's still KINDA rude. He's mostly easy to talk to though. But anyway, I seriously have some kind of disorder, this is not regular obsession. I'm constantly thinking about him and constantly just wanting to be in his arms. Any time I'm sad, I always go to him for help even though he never really cares and doesn't know how to comfort me. He doesn't think I'm creepy or anything because he doesn't know I'm obsessed with him this much. But it's really tearing me apart because I'm tired of crying like I am right now just because he happened to not call me tonight. I'm tired of him always being glued to my mind. I'm tired of being jealous of every single person he talks to that's not me. Someone please give me advice on how I can help this. I also want to know what this disorder is called. Oh and if it helps any, I'm a 14 year old girl and he's a 15 year old guy.


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## xlavenderx

I'm not trying to belittle your situation, I know how real these feelings can be. I used to be very obsessive like that as well, and it's a painful thing to go through. But I imagine hormones have a lot to do with it.

The thing is, it's not okay that he's rude to you - but do you find it makes you more attracted to him in a way? Because that's how it used to be for me.

I think you should try cutting off contact. I can't imagine being around someone that I like all the time and trying to not like them - how would that even work? And you need to find ways to distract yourself - do you have any hobbies? You should know that you deserve someone to like you back, and to think about you in the same way - not someone who's rude to you. Maybe it would help to work on your confidence a little.

You need new things to think of. Anytime you think of him, force yourself to think of something else. It's going to be really hard, but it's probably for the best. You do deserve better.


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## KaitlynRose

DarkFox said:


> *He's the only friend I have* that doesn't have another group of friends to hang out with.
> 
> But the weird thing is is that *he's rude*. He used to *purposely hurt my feelings and make me cry*, but I always came running back to him. *I'm constantly thinking about him* and constantly just wanting to be in his arms. Any time I'm sad, I always go to him for help even though he *never really cares and doesn't know how to comfort me.* Someone please give me advice on how I can help this. I also want to know what this disorder is called. Oh and if it helps any, *I'm a 14 year old girl* and he's a 15 year old guy.


What you are suffering from is something known as emotional dependence. It is a phenomena where you rely solely on one person, a single pillar, and in your mind you revolve around this person. You disregard any red flags or warnings and create excuses to keep that person by your side, for what ever reason, even if said person may not deserve to. You have hit your adolescent years. This desperate clinginess you are experiencing is most likely a hormonal imbalance in the brain. There is truly nothing you can do except wait it out and avoid doing something reckless (for example, to put it bluntly, agreeing to sexual favors or physical intimacy with this childhood friend of yours. You are so dependent on him it seems you will do _anything _for him to stay by your side. This mentality is not healthy, as it could result in doing something you will regret later) while you are experiencing these heightened emotions. Your hormonal influxes should level out as you grow older and mature. It is just a teenage phase that will eventually pass. In the meantime, I suggest creating some distance between the two of you until you cope on your own. He is _supposedly_ your friend, a human being, not a drug or intoxicating obsession.

Now, why I said supposedly before is due to a few aspects you mentioned, unconscious or not, that seem a bit alarming to me. Firstly, you stated he does not really care about your problems and does not know how to comfort you. What you are doing is desperately pushing yourself onto others in hopes of receiving a sense of affection, adoration or even love (your fantasies, whether they are towards a "big brother" figure or not, confirm this theory). I am warning you now that you will not find it with this boy, and most likely not with anyone else around your age. Such emotions -- true, pure emotions not an impulsive and ephemeral feeling that slaps on a label of "love" -- are something that must be developed and understood with maturity. Secondly, you mentioned he has purposely hurt your feelings and made you cry in the past. I believe he could sense this reliance and dependence you are creating towards him, and he tried to purposely hurt you in hopes of you backing off a bit. You must understand relationships of any kind are comprised of two people; what he does obviously affects you and what you do affects him. This dependence you have is unhealthy for you and it must also feel suffocating for him. Try to give him some space. It will benefit the both of you.

In your life you should make bonds with multiple people, many small pillars to support you. If you rely on one single person and that one pillar threatens to crumble or go away, then you crash and burn. The threat of this happening (this childhood friend not calling you every day or talking to you) has already caused you much emotional distress. It may take a few days, a week, perhaps two at most but if you keep your distance from this boy and remove the rose-colored glasses so to speak that are blinding you and your perception, this "obsession" of yours should fade.


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## DarkFox

KaitlynRose said:


> What you are suffering from is something known as emotional dependence. It is a phenomena where you rely solely on one person, a single pillar, and in your mind you revolve around this person. You disregard any red flags or warnings and create excuses to keep that person by your side, for what ever reason, even if said person may not deserve to. You have hit your adolescent years. This desperate clinginess you are experiencing is most likely a hormonal imbalance in the brain. There is truly nothing you can do except wait it out and avoid doing something reckless (for example, to put it bluntly, agreeing to sexual favors or physical intimacy with this childhood friend of yours. You are so dependent on him it seems you will do _anything _for him to stay by your side. This mentality is not healthy, as it could result in doing something you will regret later) while you are experiencing these heightened emotions. Your hormonal influxes should level out as you grow older and mature. It is just a teenage phase that will eventually pass. In the meantime, I suggest creating some distance between the two of you until you cope on your own. He is _supposedly_ your friend, a human being, not a drug or intoxicating obsession.
> 
> Now, why I said supposedly before is due to a few aspects you mentioned, unconscious or not, that seem a bit alarming to me. Firstly, you stated he does not really care about your problems and does not know how to comfort you. What you are doing is desperately pushing yourself onto others in hopes of receiving a sense of affection, adoration or even love (your fantasies, whether they are towards a "big brother" figure or not, confirm this theory). I am warning you now that you will not find it with this boy, and most likely not with anyone else around your age. Such emotions -- true, pure emotions not an impulsive and ephemeral feeling that slaps on a label of "love" -- are something that must be developed and understood with maturity. Secondly, you mentioned he has purposely hurt your feelings and made you cry in the past. I believe he could sense this reliance and dependence you are creating towards him, and he tried to purposely hurt you in hopes of you backing off a bit. You must understand relationships of any kind are comprised of two people; what he does obviously affects you and what you do affects him. This dependence you have is unhealthy for you and it must also feel suffocating for him. Try to give him some space. It will benefit the both of you.
> 
> In your life you should make bonds with multiple people, many small pillars to support you. If you rely on one single person and that one pillar threatens to crumble or go away, then you crash and burn. The threat of this happening (this childhood friend not calling you every day or talking to you) has already caused you much emotional distress. It may take a few days, a week, perhaps two at most but if you keep your distance from this boy and remove the rose-colored glasses so to speak that are blinding you and your perception, this "obsession" of yours should fade.


Thank you so much for the kind advice, that really cleared things up for me. I have a few comments about some of the things you said: About him probably feeling suffocated and him hurting me so I'd back off, is kind of hard to believe. Despite how desperate for him I sound, I hide my fantasies and obsessions about him very well. He used to be mean to me, as he was mean to every one else, because it was closer to the time when his mother passed away. It pretty much warped his mind into a demented view of life. He would go on and on about how he just wants to kill, he would strongly put out his "atheism" (I put in quotations because he acted like he still believed) because he was so upset with God for taking his mom away. It took a while for him to warm up to people and move on, but he has, and even today he says he regrets all the terrible things he has said to me. And about me saying I hide my true feelings for him earlier, I mean that at school, I act like a normal friend. He actually really enjoys talking to me and calls me the most understanding/best friend he has. He calls me almost every day, staying on the phone for hours, discussing things with me and making me laugh. It's just that I hide my strong obsession from him, he has no idea. I cry about him, cuddle my blanket thinking of him, fantasizing about him, etc. at my house. He has no idea I do any of these things, and I've never given him any hints that I do. Also, I DID say I looked up to him as a big brother, but at the same time I'm deeply in love with him (obviously). It's kind of weird, but I can't help it. Every one, including me, thinks we make the perfect couple since we're both so quiet and shy, and that we hang out and talk all the time.


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## DarkFox

xlavenderx said:


> I'm not trying to belittle your situation, I know how real these feelings can be. I used to be very obsessive like that as well, and it's a painful thing to go through. But I imagine hormones have a lot to do with it.
> 
> The thing is, it's not okay that he's rude to you - but do you find it makes you more attracted to him in a way? Because that's how it used to be for me.
> 
> I think you should try cutting off contact. I can't imagine being around someone that I like all the time and trying to not like them - how would that even work? And you need to find ways to distract yourself - do you have any hobbies? You should know that you deserve someone to like you back, and to think about you in the same way - not someone who's rude to you. Maybe it would help to work on your confidence a little.
> 
> You need new things to think of. Anytime you think of him, force yourself to think of something else. It's going to be really hard, but it's probably for the best. You do deserve better.


Thank you so much for your kind advice. Yeah, it was very difficult putting up with someone I loved deeply being mean to me. But that was only because of his mother's passing, and he has moved on now. So he's not mean like he used to be. He regrets every thing he's done that has made me upset. He DOES come off as a bit rude though. Like, he doesn't intentionally try to be rude, it's just how he is.

You're right, maybe I need to just sit back, relax, and think of something else or find some hobbies to do. It will be very difficult to cut off contact though, because he's the one who calls me and I just can't find myself to decline his calls  And at school it's like a daily routine to hang out with him. Not only would if be hard for me to stop, but it would be hard for him too, because he sees me as a best friend as well.


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## FunkyFedoras

So...all I got from all of that is that you have a major crush on this guy. The way you described everything sounds like what someone with a crush would say. Or maybe it's more like a possessive thing where you want him to just be yours and no one else's but it doesn't have to do with feeling that sort of attraction. You just want some person to monopolize. 


Maybe it's what someone before me said about emotional dependence.


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## Nothing123

I think its just hormones and a huuuge crush (both things ive had to deal with too) I know its hard cos u see him at church and school so its hard to 'avoid' him, but maybe try some new hobbies to keep u occupied? Dnt talk to him unless he talks to you first. Dont call him or anything and see what happens? All 15 year old boys are idiots (sorry, but its true) lol. 

Sorry if i sound mean, im really not trying to be. Just being blunt and honest,

Im sure there are a FEW
that are emotionally balanced and mature but... it doesnt seem likely. Ur friend is at that stage where he doesnt know what he wants, how to get it and when he does get it, doesnt know what to do about it. Focus on you and your life, your interests, etc. Trust me, guys at that age are a waste of time..


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## plarp

its called first love. Im sorry hes rude, but thats just something you will have to learn to accept.

let its run its course and you will get over him eventually


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