# The Secret to Overcoming SA



## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

*Skip to bolded section if you're too lazy to read*

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I claim to have a one-size-fits-all solution to everybody's problems. I do, however, have a method that may drastically change the way you perceive your social behavior.

I'm not about to preach to you mindfulness, meditation, or the benefits of CBT. I'm simply going to share an experience.




> There was a time when I worked as a bank teller, and not a single day passed without feeling anxious. I would say that I was socially anxious about 95% of the time. As you can imagine, this job required continual interaction with people. So if I was anxious 95% of the time, that must mean that 5% of the time, I was in an unanxious state of mind. In this extraordinary state, I was living in the moment, able to communicate with coworkers and customers in a natural way. There was no worrying, no analyzing, no thinking,  _no anxiety_.
> 
> What caused me to enter into this unrestrained state of mind? One day, before work, I got into a huge argument with my mom. Keep in mind that for me to engage in a verbal fight with another person, let alone my mom, is an incredibly rare sight. I'm not going to tell you what the argument was about, because that's not important. What is important is how I behaved at work immediately after that. When I walked into my bank, my blood pressure was sky-high, and I was in a very heated mood. When I opened my window, I persuaded my first two customers to open new accounts. This was an extremely pivotal moment, because I could barely withstand small talk with customers, let alone find the confidence to convince them to open a new account.
> 
> Another day, before work, I was in sitting my car listening to an old Loveline recording on Youtube. Adam Carolla was talking to a guy on the phone about why he can't attract normal women. Adam and Dr. Drew go on to tell him that he's a schizoid and he isn't using emotionally significant conversation. Adam says, "They would be much more attracted to a guy that sat there and talked about killing himself over dinner, than one who just sat there and [said] 'I like white bread with mayonnaise on it'". Right after hearing that, I walked into work and immediately engaged my coworkers with emotionally charged conversation. Their reaction to me was completely different than normal. I had their full attention, as I was effortlessly spewing out joke after joke. For the first time, I was hearing genuine laughter.



 These two instances stick out to me the most when I think back to my days working at the bank. There were other times when I felt unanxious, but those were few and far between. *What drives me crazy is not knowing why this state was always temporary and inconsistent.*

*I think we enter an anxiety-free state when we emotionally desire to communicate with someone. The problem with most of us who have SA is that we loathe it. The answer is simply, a change in attitude.*  Too often in public we worry about the way we look, walk, talk, and act. We overthink the most insignificant details. Ultimately, we are afraid of people judging us.

Normally this is the point where you read something like, "Stop thinking about it so much. No one is really judging you." But that advice blows. *Rather, I'm going to suggest that you begin to envision that every single person in the world is your friend. Acknowledge everyone that you come into contact with. Don't think about what to say. Simply believe that they are your friend. It sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. But it is the solution to SA.*

The next time you go out, whether it be the grocery store, gym, or bookstore, look into the eyes of every person that walks by you. Hold your eye contact for 2-3 seconds. If they are looking back at you after those 2-3 seconds, give them an indication that you acknowledged them. That means nod your head or say hello. Keep it simple. In the other case, if they immediately turn away after they noticed you looking at them, they are probably more scared than you, inside their head and not living in the moment.

Perhaps you already have a few friends. Next time, don't be so detached when you see them. Engage them in a friendly, emotional, and physical way. I know this sounds like dumb advice, but more often than not we tend to be lacking when it comes to revealing our friendlier side.

*The secret to overcoming SA isn't meditating for an hour each day, or taking medication that briefly reduces your symptoms, or drinking alcohol to temporarily lower your inhibitions. The secret to becoming SA free is believing that everyone in society is approachable and making the effort to acknowledge and talk to them.*


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## slappedass30 (Aug 2, 2012)

That's a very interesting way of thinking and viewing things. This definitly has caught my attention but the real question is, has this led you to be more open and successfull, socially, and has the anxiety and physical effects of SA diminish or gone away?


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## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

slappedass30 said:


> That's a very interesting way of thinking and viewing things. This definitly has caught my attention but the real question is, has this led you to be more open and successfull, socially, and has the anxiety and physical effects of SA diminish or gone away?


This is more of a hypothesis than a proven solution. I've spent the majority of my life as a recluse, so now when I engage in conversation with people, I realize how desperately my conversation skills need work. However, the more often I approach people in the mindset that they're my friend, the easier it becomes to talk to them. People definitely respond to me more positively than when I'm 'in my head' and acting complacent. The more invested I am in making friendships and being friendly, the less present my anxiety is, and the more I feel in control of social situations.


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## Equimanthorn (Aug 5, 2012)

Sounds somewhat logical. I wish I could say this is a brand new concept that I can try out but I think I've told myself similar things before. Imagine everyone is a friend. Realize we are all just people out in the world trying to make a go of things and nobody is any better or worse than me. 

I'm not sure this is enough to truly overcome SA. Sometimes SA is so bad, you even feel it when you're with close friends, so just because you believe someone is a friend doesn't make it go away. And then there's the fact that the obvious truth of the matter is that not everyone is a friend, and some are even enemies. So you'd have to have a very strong mind to convince yourself of something that really isn't true. 

It sounds great on paper I'm just not sure how far you can stretch it in the real world. Yes social anxiety is a disorder of fear, if you can get yourself out of a mindset of fear and shift instead to love, and believe that nobody is really out to get you or judge you, maybe you can have an easier time and not feel so anxious.


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## DavidJacobsen (Aug 6, 2012)

I can overcome SA, with a lot of alcohol, that works fairly fine for me. Only problem is I can't be drunk all the time. Well I could, but that would be a bad idea.


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## Flame Sixtyone (Aug 27, 2009)

Perfect advice! And it works (gradually and over time, even months)


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Yes good advice, I can verify it works for me too. The more compassion i feel towards others the easier it is to talk to them. If i put on my mildly misanthropic persona, I feel even more cut off from people and wont talk to them. However if I think of them as a fellow suffering human being, it makes them on the same level as me, and i feel driven to say something to them or at least smile.


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