# Ladies with online dating profiles



## ForeverStallone (Apr 4, 2011)

Curious to know does your inbox get flooded and if so do you reply to everyone or just the ones that stand out somehow? 
The ones you do reply to, how do they standout? Is it their initial message that catches your attention most or their overall profile? Are the messages witty, funny, honest, sexual, lame?

Just trying to get an idea of how to get a girls attention online. Its easy to just ignore and delete the messages that don't catch you're attention especially if you're getting a lot of them daily. I can easily find canned lines that will stand out but then I have to keep playing some character that I'm not.


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## debutante (Dec 29, 2009)

i've tried it a few times and yes the inbox gets flooded. i reply if i sense that the person read my profile or if they left a funny joke in my messages.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

They get hundreds if not thousands per day. Obvious.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

stranger25 said:


> They get hundreds if not thousands per day. Obvious.


Not all women on all sites do. And if they do, it is mainly because the guy has not read the profile or cared about whether they actually match as people and instead looked at the picture (her looks) and sent off an email. Hmm...lots of women caring more about how a woman looks than about her profile....hmm...


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

joinmartin said:


> Not all women on all sites do. And if they do, it is mainly because the guy has not read the profile or cared about whether they actually match as people and instead looked at the picture (her looks) and sent off an email. Hmm...lots of women caring more about how a woman looks than about her profile....hmm...


And even after all this it's ironic when you get a woman saying there are no good guys out there. Gee, Ya think? sure about that lady?


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

stranger25 said:


> And even after all this it's ironic when you get a woman saying there are no good guys out there. Gee, Ya think? sure about that lady?


Well, who says quantity equals quality?


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

joinmartin said:


> Well, who says quantity equals quality?


Love that saying, and I agree with it.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

When I used to look for guys on dating sites years ago, I would only get a few messages. Then again I don't dress the way that attracts men, like outfits showing cleavage or pictures in underwear. So I don't know how many messages girls like that get, probably a lot. Anyhow, I would usually read their profile and try to determine what kind of person he is and what he is looking for. Never replied to those who were looking for casual sex or perverts who'd write something sick. I'd also look at their interests to see if we have something incommon. Otherwise I wouldn't be interested since we probably wouldn't have anything to talk about.


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

I've honestly never been comfortable with the use of dating sites and don't plan to use one. I think it is too based on the picture. And even I'm like that. But not in the way you think. It's not like I look at a guys picture, decide if he's hot or not, and discard. It's like I'll look at someone's picture and try to construct what they MIGHT be like based on it. Everything down to what their voice and mannerisms might be like.

For example, a had a friend who lived in my area and posted on the same forum as me and from his picture he looked really mean and serious. But when I met him in real life through other friends, I had all of his personality wrong. He did not fit the persona I imagined him. I had another friend who I met through the same forum and she was very pretty and quiet and seemed very confident. We hung out and I did not expect the Southern accent to pop out (even though she was from Hawaii) and she was totally awkward like I was.

I hate it when my brain creates these stupid misconceptions about people.


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## CK1708 (Mar 30, 2011)

I guess the girls who look like ****s will get hundreds of replies per day, most of then are due to guys not reading the profiles first and plus you will get girls just wanting the attention and aren't interested in meeting people.

Go onto a dating website, make a fake profile and just sit back and watch how many guys inbox you


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

Good for me, I always read a profile entirely through and make a reference to show that I took the time to do it. I only write to people I'm serious about wanting to get to know more. Which hasn't been in a while, most of the people I've gone out with from dating sites are women who contacted me first. Most of the women I contact, who contact back seem disinterested in their e-mails, and the ones who contact me obviously are at least a little interested, so things always seem to end up going further. So I like to show the person I'm writing to that I'm definitely interested, and not just writing because of a picture. Also, I'm hilarious.


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

This could be an informative thread for the fellas here if it doesn't end up laden with misogynistic nonsense. It would be good if more ladies could respond.

Anyway,

I *wouldn't* respond to a guy if:
-he was outside of the 'expectations' I noted in my profile, which were pretty loose...all i said was be in the age range and have some direction in your life. responding shows he clearly didn't read the profile.
-he just sent a message like 'hey'. or something poorly worded, excessive text speak, etc.
-had an incomplete profile, or if his profile was like 'yo im here 2 see gurlz'. Once again, excessive text-speak really bothers me.
-Excessively sexual. I understand some people are cool with that but I'm not.

I *would* respond if the message was: 
-honest, 
-straight forward. 'Hey I saw your profile and I noticed _____, well (something something, we have something in common, etc). Not a vague message as I mentioned earlier
-it doesn't even necessarily have to be funny or witty. I'm terrible at both, so i wouldn't expect a guy to pull a joke out of his back pocket either.
-Maybe just mention _what_ you liked about the woman's profile, to show her that you read it thoroughly.

Also, if she's not responding, it is possible that the woman you message is already carrying on an online conversation with someone else and is not comfortable corresponding with multiple guys at once.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

This part of the system is rigged. It's too bad.


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

I think everyone should post a picture of themselves on a dating site. Like Eliza just said, she was having a conversation with someone, but then was worried what the person would think if they saw a picture.

If everyone had a picture to begin with, they wouldn't have to worry about that. Once they contact you, they already know what you look like. It's helped me with my confidence when women write me first or even reply to something I've written them. I don't have to worry about what they think about my appearance (at least not entirely).


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Even if you pass the physical attraction you need to be interesting and have money otherwise it's game over.


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

Motionless Sway said:


> I think everyone should post a picture of themselves on a dating site. Like Eliza just said, she was having a conversation with someone, but then was worried what the person would think if they saw a picture.
> 
> If everyone had a picture to begin with, they wouldn't have to worry about that. Once they contact you, they already know what you look like. It's helped me with my confidence when women write me first or even reply to something I've written them. I don't have to worry about what they think about my appearance (at least not entirely).


that's definitely true. it makes the exchange completely honest and up front from the start. i was just trying POF out and wasn't comfortable online dating at the time (living at home, SA, super busy with school, etc) but if i set up another profile it would definitely have a pic.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Okay then explain why a guy needs to "have direction in life" on the online dating profile and a woman doesn't. I blame men for being vagina beggars but I think there's more too it.


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

stranger25 said:


> Even if you pass the physical attraction you need to be interesting and have money otherwise it's game over.


So rob a bank and you'll be both interesting AND have money. :boogie

In all seriousness, you've obviously given up at this point, and this topic is about how to get a lady's attention in an online dating site, not about "What's the point?"


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Eliza said:


> Anyway,
> 
> I *wouldn't* respond to a guy if:
> -he was outside of the 'expectations' I noted in my profile, which were pretty loose...all i said was be in the age range and have some direction in your life. responding shows he clearly didn't read the profile.
> ...


I agree with this.

What I noticed about dating sites is that unless the site ensures only people within a chosen age group can contact you, most of my messages are from guys 40 and older. This is even after I write specifically in my profile that I'm not interested in guys over 30. So I like how eHarmony only gives me matches that are a) within my desired age group and b) more likely to be compatible. I once had a 60 year old man from Washington on Match.com try to convince me we would be a good fit. It was a nice try, but he's old enough to be my grandpa.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Motionless Sway said:


> So rob a bank and you'll be both interesting AND have money. :boogie
> 
> In all seriousness, you've obviously given up at this point, and this topic is about how to get a lady's attention in an online dating site, not about "What's the point?"


I can't say I've given up, but I'm aware of certain things.


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

laura024 said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> What I noticed about dating sites is that unless the site ensures only people within a chosen age group can contact you, most of my messages are from guys 40 and older. This is even after I write specifically in my profile that I'm not interested in guys over 30. So I like how eHarmony only gives me matches that are a) within my desired age group and b) more likely to be compatible. I once had a 60 year old man from Washington on Match.com try to convince me we would be a good fit. It was a nice try, but he's old enough to be my grandpa.


I hope if I'm single and 60, I won't be doing that...


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## StevenGlansberg (Apr 1, 2009)

I am yet to get a reply since filling out a profile about a month ago. Kind of frustrating...not sure if my expectations are just too high or what. I know people have kind of said some but any tips?


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

StevenGlansberg said:


> I am yet to get a reply since filling out a profile about a month ago. Kind of frustrating...not sure if my expectations are just too high or what. I know people have kind of said some but any tips?


Do you have a link to yoru profile or do you want to Copy & Paste what you have written if you're afraid to share your photo? Maybe you could start a thread and we could share some advice.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

I hope more women seriously respond to this. I think it could be really useful information.

I've never been on a dating site before so to be honest I don't know. I agree with everything Eliza said below though, and I imagine this is how I would select who to respond to.

Even on this site, I get the odd "Heyz, I notice ur a gurl want to hang?" pm and no, I generally don't respond. If it's written honestly with actual grammar and punctuation, I almost always do. So basically my suggestion would be to seem friendly and somehow show you have actually read her profile.



Eliza said:


> I *wouldn't* respond to a guy if:
> -he was outside of the 'expectations' I noted in my profile, which were pretty loose...all i said was be in the age range and have some direction in your life. responding shows he clearly didn't read the profile.
> -he just sent a message like 'hey'. or something poorly worded, excessive text speak, etc.
> -had an incomplete profile, or if his profile was like 'yo im here 2 see gurlz'. Once again, excessive text-speak really bothers me.
> ...


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

If I see something like "must be ambitious" or "must have direction in life" which basically are euphemisms for "must make an acceptable amount of money", the first thought that goes through my head is "b*tch will be off if I ever lose my job".


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## Emptyheart101 (May 18, 2011)

Ya I tried it..I'd get a couple messages a day. 
It's funny..I ran into a couple of relatives on that dating site..one of them was my dads brother..he's married. :/ LOL


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

heroin said:


> If I see something like "must be ambitious" or "must have direction in life" which basically are euphemisms for "must make an acceptable amount of money", the first thought that goes through my head is "b*tch will be off if I ever lose my job".


Although I'm sure there are some girls who really are looking for a sugar daddy, I think wanting a man with ambition is generally well, wanting a man with ambition. As long as he TRIES hard and is passionate about what he wants, he is ambitious. No one really wants a lazy bum who puts forth no effort.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

laura024 said:


> Although I'm sure there are some girls who really are looking for a sugar daddy, I think wanting a man with ambition is generally well, wanting a man with ambition. As long as he TRIES hard and is passionate about what he wants, he is ambitious. No one really wants a lazy bum who puts forth no effort.


Sugarcoating. I'm sure many want a man with ambition. They're free to seek what they want. They don't have to answer to me or anyone.

But, the bottom line is that unless you "realize your ambition", i.e. keep getting more and more successful (if you claim to be ambitious but there's no improvement in your level of success, your ambitiousness doesn't mean much), you'll be dropped like a hot potato. It isn't pleasant, and it isn't fairy tale like, but it's fairly likely and it's good to be aware of it.


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## ShyViolet (Nov 11, 2003)

I would reply if he was decent looking (does that make me shallow?), his message was polite, and he had things in common with me. I wouldn't respond if his profile had hardly any information and/or a title like "Hey ladies, stud 4 u", he was way older than the age range I said I was looking for, if all he said was something like "Hey baby" and nothing else.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

There are a few problems you run into with dating sites. There still seems to be way more men than women on the sites which results in certain women getting flooded with messages. There are many guys out there that are A-holes that ruin it for the rest of the guys. I've heard many times where a woman rejects a guy for whatever reason then all of a sudden he starts insulting her and freaks out on her.

Since it is so skewed in the M/F ratio, women have a large selection of men to choose from. Many times they can get away with the short messages or winks to get a response. 

Guys get stuck in a catch 22 when it comes to the messages they send. It doesn't seem to matter to some whether it is a long thought out message or something short and to the point. either way they don't get a reply. 

I guess the best thing anyone can get from this thread is how to keep a message short yet still stand out.

I'm not maing this a gender war over who has it harder. It's just how it is and I know some women on the sites have just as much trouble as guys do. Maybe the good looking guys don't have any trouble meeting people online the same as good looking girls. I wouldn't know because I'm not a good looking guy.


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## ForeverStallone (Apr 4, 2011)

Useful replies from all the girls (and guys too). Thanks for all your input especially Eliza for your detailed post. Keep them coming. Also guys feel free to add to this. What's worked for you in the past?


stranger25 said:


> Okay then explain why a guy needs to "have direction in life" on the online dating profile and a woman doesn't. *I blame men for being vagina beggars* but I think there's more too it.


I agree with this. There's lots of competition so the girls get to pick and choose who they want to reply to and possibly eventually meet. I mean wouldn't you if you had a whole bunch of women messaging you? There's no way that you could reply to every single message you receive and try to get to know all of them. That's the game, you either play or you don't, it sucks buts that's life. That's the point of this thread, to find out how to stand out.
Btw thanks for bumping the thread stranger. I've read your posts in other threads and I agree with you on some things but not everything. And I empathise with you on your problems because I have some of the same ones. Let's not turn this thread into a gender war though since the mods have been shutting them down in the last couple of days.

@CK1708 - I was thinking of doing exactly that just to see what sort of messages a girl receives.

I did have my own profile before and I got a few messages but it became too overwhelming for me after a few messages back and forth with a couple of girls, plus it took me forever to think of a reply. And I didn't like rejecting the ones who I wasn't attracted to because I know how I'd feel if it happened to me so I stopped going to the site altogether. Since I'm not really expecting anything from this, when I do put up another profile and start sending out messages, I can at least get used to getting rejected. How's that for looking at the positives?


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Hmmmm, I'm still waiting for my first unsolicited message on a dating site. Maybe the picture of me in the bunny suit is a turn off.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I hope to God this thread doesn't get flooded with male responses :roll


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

Are all dating sites paid? I'm guessing they are...
What are the better ones out there? Do they work, in the sense of meeting up and, well, dating?

It seems alot of them are for older folks whove separated and are looking for some companionship which somehow turns into casual sex. Or am I generalising...


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

Makaveli said:


> Are all dating sites paid? I'm guessing they are...
> What are the better ones out there? Do they work, in the sense of meeting up and, well, dating?
> 
> It seems alot of them are for older folks whove separated and are looking for some companionship which somehow turns into casual sex. Or am I generalising...


No. POF (Plenty Of Fish) and OKCupid are free. All the other ones I know of are paid.
Upon browsing POF I mainly saw 'older folks' exactly as you've said, and younger folks who are obviously not looking for anything serious...will probably try someplace else next time :blank



bwidger85 said:


> I hope to God this thread doesn't get flooded with male responses :roll


It's already been soiled by a few poopy pants babies. Waahhh. It's too bad they're going to get this thread locked. I won't even mention names or start on them because I will most certainly be banned from this site.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Eliza said:


> It's already been soiled by a few poopy pants babies. Waahhh. It's too bad they're going to get this thread locked. I won't even mention names or start on them because I will most certainly be banned from this site.


General insults, even directed at no one in particular, can result in severe tanning and other.

At least it's happened to me, but I'm a male and am treated quite unfairly.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

ForeverStallone said:


> Useful replies from all the girls (and guys too). Thanks for all your input especially Eliza for your detailed post. Keep them coming. Also guys feel free to add to this. What's worked for you in the past?
> I agree with this. There's lots of competition so the girls get to pick and choose who they want to reply to and possibly eventually meet. I mean wouldn't you if you had a whole bunch of women messaging you? There's no way that you could reply to every single message you receive and try to get to know all of them. That's the game, you either play or you don't, it sucks buts that's life. That's the point of this thread, to find out how to stand out.
> Btw thanks for bumping the thread stranger. I've read your posts in other threads and I agree with you on some things but not everything. And I empathise with you on your problems because I have some of the same ones. Let's not turn this thread into a gender war though since the mods have been shutting them down in the last couple of days.
> 
> ...


Some guys just want a girl. Some guys get rejected 100% of the time. It doesn't matter what they do. PUA, new wardrobe, therapy, career, car, tattoos, they just can't live up to common standards. Some guys just want any girl no matter what she looks like. I like girls who are christians like me and believe in fair morals. I might not be able to get a super model like Lady Gaga but even average girls seem to be hard to get.

The only thing I have going for me is "above average" looks. I have a crappy "job", live with my parents, don't drive, have no friends, have a social anxietal problem I have a hard time shaking off, and have "boring" hobbies according to society. I don't have the social charm either. Looks might be enough to lure a girl in but if everything else sucks, once they see the real you it's game over.

I've never touched illegal drugs. I don't drink. I've never been arrested. I'm a virgin. I have an introvert personality, and I'm a christian. I'm like those weird "nice guy" only survivors in horror movies that watch the girl have sex with the bad boys and then get killed by jason voorhees. I'm like any of the other dateless males you'll hear life stories from. The ones that unfortanetly never interacted with girls, and never had friendships with them, and yadda yadda.

Nowadays people are calling me Norman Bates.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

if a guy has a profile about how he likes to drink and/or party I am not interested. If he says anything about sex I'm not interested. 

I don't know I guess I just looked for guys with similar interests as me... guys in my area who were around my age who were at least a little attractive (I'm not picky appearance-wise.) 

I didn't expect anything spectacular in their messages to me. A simple "Hi, how are you doing?" was good enough if I liked their profile.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

Oh, I also didn't like it when guys would send me messages saying "wow. you are beautiful." or something similar. I usually just ignored them. Try having a real conversation with me about something other than what I look like.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

pretty much what Eliza said. "Oh, I see you like this, I do too" or "I'm from the same city, what do you do for work?" and things like that.

I get a message every few days, certainly not everyday. I especially do not respond if the message is full of horrible spelling/grammar/text speak...yes, nobody's perfect and I probably sound judgmental, but I don't know you from Adam so that's my first impression. 

I did go on a date via OKC 3 weeks ago. He was really nice, but I soon could tell he was quite different in person than he was in writing. His writing style was very enthusiastic and animated. But when I met him in person, his handshake was weak and his voice/speech patterns were very monotone and he sounded like he just wanted to take a nap. I liked the more energetic guy I was corresponding with.

So I would say just be yourself, but obviously don't get too personal right away. Admit up front that you're shy, I say so right in my profile. But I also put a positive spin on it, I say something like "however, I enjoy getting to know people and their company." good topic


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## jmoop (Jul 12, 2009)

stranger25 said:


> The only thing I have going for me is "above average" looks. I have a crappy "job", live with my parents, don't drive, have no friends, have a social anxietal problem I have a hard time shaking off, and have "boring" hobbies according to society. I don't have the social charm either. Looks might be enough to lure a girl in but if everything else sucks, once they see the real you it's game over.
> 
> I've never touched illegal drugs. I don't drink. I've never been arrested. I'm a virgin. I have an introvert personality, and I'm a christian. I'm like those weird "nice guy" only survivors in horror movies that watch the girl have sex with the bad boys and then get killed by jason voorhees. I'm like any of the other dateless males you'll hear life stories from. The ones that unfortanetly never interacted with girls, and never had friendships with them, and yadda yadda.
> 
> Nowadays people are calling me Norman Bates.


I gave up dating sites because I couldn't find a guy like you.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

There's thousands out there. I'm only one of them.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

stranger25 said:


> Even if you pass the physical attraction you need to be interesting and have money otherwise it's game over.


What do you consider an interesting person? You can have all the hobbies and social skills in the world and still be single. Girls don't really care if you can take care of yourself financially and be independent. Most just expect it at certain ages. They care about personality and how you act towards them. If this is interesting to them, then they will date you.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

Makaveli said:


> Are all dating sites paid? I'm guessing they are...
> What are the better ones out there? Do they work, in the sense of meeting up and, well, dating?


OKCupid is one. I have a profile on there. I don't msg anybody first though, too proud for that.

I am on another one as well, where I did meet someone, and we took it further. But I cannot name the site. It is not for erm.... normal people.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

rdrr said:


> What do you consider an interesting person? You can have all the hobbies and social skills in the world and still be single. Girls don't really care if you can take care of yourself financially and be independent. Most just expect it at certain ages. They care about personality and how you act towards them. If this is interesting to them, then they will date you.


I feel like giving you some kind of medal.  Thank you.


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

heroin said:


> OKCupid is one. I have a profile on there. I don't msg anybody first though, too proud for that.
> 
> I am on another one as well, where I did meet someone, and we took it further. But I cannot name the site. It is not for erm.... normal people.[


so OKCupid and Pleny of Fish

what's this side not for normal people? pm if need be, i wanna know now!


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

Eliza said:


> No. POF (Plenty Of Fish) and OKCupid are free. All the other ones I know of are paid.
> Upon browsing POF I mainly saw 'older folks' exactly as you've said, and *younger folks who are obviously not looking for anything serious*...will probably try someplace else next time :blank
> 
> .


Meaning just casual dating/friendships or casual fling type stuff?


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Interesting thread. Thanks, ladies, for your input. 

I've been a member of Plenty of Fish for the past few months but have only sent one real message. I wasn't necessarily interested in dating the woman, but just wanted to talk about something she mentioned in her profile. To my surprise, she replied, and we exchanged one or two e-mails. As far as showing overt interest in a message, I haven't been able to do it yet. I composed a message to one woman and hit "Send" but apparently the system had somehow logged me out while I was typing, so it wasn't transmitted. I took that as a sign that I'm not ready yet, and didn't try again.

I'd never use one-word messages, text speak (UGH!) or come ons, but I still have a feeling that a more detailed, longer message still wouldn't be enough to make yourself stand out. My fear is that if you make an initial message too long or reference too much of what she said, a woman is going to think that you're some kind of stalker. What do you ladies think of this idea?


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

okcupid is not only my favorite free site, but my favorite dating site, period. That's where I've met most of the people I've gone out with. I stopped being active on it for a couple years and I still got a message from a lovely lady I ended up going out with a couple weeks ago.

I like the profiles and people seem to be more active there.


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## ForeverStallone (Apr 4, 2011)

Haydsmom2007 said:


> if a guy has a profile about how he likes to drink and/or party I am not interested. If he says anything about sex I'm not interested.
> 
> I don't know I guess I just looked for guys with similar interests as me... guys in my area who were around my age who were at least a little attractive (I'm not picky appearance-wise.)
> 
> I didn't expect anything spectacular in their messages to me. A simple "Hi, how are you doing?" was good enough if I liked their profile.





Haydsmom2007 said:


> Oh, I also didn't like it when guys would send me messages saying "wow. you are beautiful." or something similar. I usually just ignored them. Try having a real conversation with me about something other than what I look like.


Thanks. That was helpful



senrab said:


> pretty much what Eliza said. "Oh, I see you like this, I do too" or "I'm from the same city, what do you do for work?" and things like that.
> 
> I get a message every few days, certainly not everyday. I especially do not respond if the message is full of horrible spelling/grammar/text speak...yes, nobody's perfect and I probably sound judgmental, but I don't know you from Adam so that's my first impression.
> 
> ...


That's the problem with anything online, people can have different persona's so you don't even know if you're talking to the real person or not. Or maybe their online persona's are the real person but they just can't express themselves in real life, like a lot of us here I guess.

I don't know if I'd be willing to admit I'm shy, not in my profile anyway. I don't want to identify myself with my shyness. It would be like a self fulfilling prophecy. For a girl it's easier to say you're shy but for a guy it's usually perceived as a weakness.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

ForeverStallone said:


> Thanks. That was helpful
> 
> That's the problem with anything online, people can have different persona's so you don't even know if you're talking to the real person or not. Or maybe their online persona's are the real person but they just can't express themselves in real life, like a lot of us here I guess.
> 
> I don't know if I'd be willing to admit I'm shy, not in my profile anyway. I don't want to identify myself with my shyness. It would be like a self fulfilling prophecy. For a girl it's easier to say you're shy but for a guy it's usually perceived as a weakness.


I don't see it as a weakness, because I'm shy like you...but I see what you mean. I guess just keep trying. Good luck


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

Motionless Sway said:


> okcupid is not only my favorite free site, but my favorite dating site, period. That's where I've met most of the people I've gone out with. I stopped being active on it for a couple years and I still got a message from a lovely lady I ended up going out with a couple weeks ago.
> 
> I like the profiles and people seem to be more active there.


Were most if your relations from the site just casual dating/fun or something more than just physical stuff (if that was the case of course).


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

Makaveli said:


> Were most if your relations from the site just casual dating/fun or something more than just physical stuff (if that was the case of course).


No, I'm not the kind of guy who looks purely for physical relationships, especially on dating sites. I always look for the potential of a relationship.

I've had three girlfriends, and one came from okcupid. It's great because you can do everything for free, from messaging, IM'ing, and there are so many members that you would be bound to find many people from any area you are from.

Since moving away from San Francisco (which always has a lot of members on all dating site, it being a large populated area), it's been hard to find people from where I live now.

I updated my profile there today and have seen many women from my new area now. I'm optimistic about finding someone again.

I've only had one bad first date, but it wasn't from okcupid, I think it was from PlentyOfFish several years ago...she was...interesting...I think she only wanted a booty call and she was an alcoholic.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I have almost 2000 new(unread) messages on Pof. I only reply to people who I think have stuff in common with me and are attractive


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Shauna The Dead said:


> I have almost 2000 new(unread) messages on Pof. I only reply to people who I think have stuff in common with me and are attractive


Wow. I rest my case.

I'm telling you *guys*. Everything you hear me preach is the truth. :blank


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Shauna The Dead said:


> I have almost 2000 new(unread) messages on Pof. I only reply to people who I think have stuff in common with me and are attractive


With all those interested observers, it can possibly ensure you can get a free meal at a decent restraurant (hopefully) for the next 6 years!


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## hickorysmoked (Mar 7, 2010)

stranger25 said:


> Wow. I rest my case.
> 
> I'm telling you *guys*. Everything you hear me preach is the truth. :blank


Would you show interest in someone if you didn't have anything in common and found them unattractive?


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

stranger25 said:


> Wow. I rest my case.
> 
> I'm telling you *guys*. Everything you hear me preach is the truth. :blank


Not only do you not have evidence that there aren't men on dating websites out there with similar number of messages (I got over a 100 messages during my time on one dating website so it is possible for men. Still, I am English and many women do like the accent so...) but a woman is, of course, more than free to make her decisions about who she responds to based on who she likes the look of. Same as a guy is. Might want to pick that case back up again. Just a thought.


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

stranger25 said:


> Some guys just want a girl. Some guys get rejected 100% of the time. It doesn't matter what they do. PUA, new wardrobe, therapy, career, car, tattoos, they just can't live up to common standards. Some guys just want any girl no matter what she looks like. I like girls who are christians like me and believe in fair morals. I might not be able to get a super model like Lady Gaga but even average girls seem to be hard to get.
> 
> The only thing I have going for me is "above average" looks. I have a crappy "job", live with my parents, don't drive, have no friends, have a social anxietal problem I have a hard time shaking off, and have "boring" hobbies according to society. I don't have the social charm either. Looks might be enough to lure a girl in but if everything else sucks, once they see the real you it's game over.
> 
> ...


Wow, are you me?


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

Makaveli said:


> Meaning just casual dating/friendships or casual fling type stuff?


Casucal dating/friendships imo, not necessarily sex. A lot of the profiles I browsed were people who appeared to be there for fun or had signed up just to see profiles (you only get a limited 'trial' of the site unless you sign up). I'm talking about people around my age early to mid 20s, I'm sure older age groups might be on there looking for an actual relationship.



IcedOver said:


> I'd never use one-word messages, text speak (UGH!) or come ons, but I still have a feeling that a more detailed, longer message still wouldn't be enough to make yourself stand out. My fear is that if you make an initial message too long or reference too much of what she said, a woman is going to think that you're some kind of stalker. What do you ladies think of this idea?


I'd say longer = better (). I wouldn't consider him a stalker. But I really don't want to talk like I'm every woman. Just my personal opinion that a long message indicates that the guy is truly interested.



ForeverStallone said:


> Thanks. That was helpful
> 
> That's the problem with anything online, people can have different persona's so you don't even know if you're talking to the real person or not. Or maybe their online persona's are the real person but they just can't express themselves in real life, like a lot of us here I guess.
> 
> I don't know if I'd be willing to admit I'm *shy*, not in my profile anyway. I don't want to identify myself with my shyness. It would be like a self fulfilling prophecy. For a girl it's easier to say you're shy but for a guy it's usually perceived as a weakness.


I was saying this in another thread. Maybe we should refrain from usign that word to describe ourselves, because it scares people off :lol . Maybe say you're 'reserved' or say how you're not into partying, drinking etc and that you prefer a quiet evening, or whatever. I think that would seem less scary for the non-shy masses :lol


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

joinmartin said:


> Not only do you not have evidence that there aren't men on dating websites out there with similar number of messages (I got over a 100 messages during my time on one dating website so it is possible for men. Still, I am English and many women do like the accent so...) but a woman is, of course, more than free to make her decisions about who she responds to based on who she likes the look of. Same as a guy is. Might want to pick that case back up again. Just a thought.


NO guy will EVER get that many messages on the internet. I don't care who you are. 100? that's nothing compared to 2,000 my friend. I don't even bother talking about the dating site issue with men and women because it's a no brainer.


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## beethoven (Jan 17, 2011)

I was on OkCupid and PoF on and off for a few months and I did receive a few messages, maybe 30 for the 4 or 5 months I had an active profile. However, the girls that wrote me weren't usually my type. 

I ended up dating 3 girls I met on these sites, including my current girlfriend. I think 50% of the girls I wrote to replied back, but I didn't message every good looking girl I saw. I am very picky when it comes to intellectual and personality types, so I actually read their profiles and only messaged girls who had similar world views (which is an absolute minority).


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Unfortunately, you must be good looking to get anywhere on dating sites. Being funny and having an eccentric personality gets you you-knowhere. I think this includes both men and women.


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## IcemanKilmer (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm not sure why people are even trying to say that online dating is the same for men and women. It's not even close. It's a joke, in fact, how much insanely easier it is to be a woman on an online dating site. 

I'd say guys have a much better chance to get a girl if they go out into real life and try to get a girlfriend. At least women irl will listen to what you have to say. You'll get turned down a fair amount, but not as much as online dating, and when they do turn you down you can even ask them what is wrong with you and expect to get a response, as opposed to online dating.

Irl, you just get a better idea of what the woman is thinking, which is way better than getting no response, which is what happens over 90% of the time online.

Most importantly, the women in irl are much more attractive percentage-wise compared to the women in online dating.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I will chime in since I am a lady and do lady things, as well as put myself on dating sites. 

What i did with mine is, I put a little quiz toward the bottom, questions like, dark or milk chocolate, barefoot inside or shoes, pre-Soon Yi Woody Allen or Post-Soon Yi, Dr. Ruth or Dan Savage, and so on. this goes where the "First date" crap would normally be. it served several purposes - it was (I hope) a fun ice breaker, gave the fellas something to write and an opportunity to show several sides of themselves, and it let me know that they took the trouble to read my profile. Plenty of guys do the canvassing thing - but I can understand why. It IS easier to be a woman in the dating game than a guy - on a website or elsewhere. I'm not gonna make out like it isn't, however, it is also true as has been pointed out, that quantity does not necessarily mean quality. what I find funny is those who pay for "serious" membership and say they really really really - no, really! want a serious relationship, yet when I have put on mine that I am NOT looking for that, somehow they are still interested. Or, the ones who offer right away to send certain pictures, or just go ahead and send them. hilarious. 

Generally speaking and broadly stereotyping, I'd say dating sites are rather an insincere way to meet anyone as there is little risk involved, and life is about nothing if not risk. It's a good way for everyone to stay "safe". 

The fellow I'm seeing now lives very simply - rents a couple of rooms in someone else's house, has a nice little job with local gov't - not saying I'm an enlightened, female dating despot - just saying, gobs of money are not necessarily required. 

Personally, I guess with SA and all, I'm drawn to those who don't put a lot of pressure on me, someone I can really talk to who can talk about many things.... someone like me I suppose. I'm a person who knows a little about a lot of things, and has certain opinions, although a carbon copy would not be good, that's just boring. But a person has to have ideas and responses have to show some thought and reflection, a certain awareness of self. that kind of thing. But, hey, that's just me.


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## RyanJ (Mar 31, 2009)

leonardess said:


> I put a little quiz toward the bottom, questions like, dark or milk chocolate, barefoot inside or shoes, pre-Soon Yi Woody Allen or Post-Soon Yi, Dr. Ruth or Dan Savage, and so on.


Two words: The Stranger :teeth


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

> I'm not sure why people are even trying to say that online dating is the same for men and women. It's not even close. It's a joke, in fact, how much insanely easier it is to be a woman on an online dating site.


Well, is getting loads of messages (if that is indeed the case because one cannot assume that all girls on all dating websites get loads of messages) from random guys who have just looked at the photos and not at the profile (quite often what happens) making things easier?



> I'd say guys have a much better chance to get a girl if they go out into real life and try to get a girlfriend. At least women irl will listen to what you have to say. You'll get turned down a fair amount, but not as much as online dating, and when they do turn you down you can even ask them what is wrong with you and expect to get a response, as opposed to online dating.


Erm...you'd ask a girl what was wrong with you if she turned you down? What's that going to achieve. Other than to make you feel bad. Also assumes the rejection is always about the guy and or what he did or did not do. Another way of feeling bad for no reason. Women online will listen to what you have to say too.



> Irl, you just get a better idea of what the woman is thinking, which is way better than getting no response, which is what happens over 90% of the time online.


90% of the time all guys online get no responses? Really? I get a lot of responses from girls online and I'm no Brad Pitt lookalike. I've even got an arm that's different from the other arm.

In real life you do get the opportunity to calibrate to her responses, true. But the women in real life (some of them) are the women on the dating websites so it's basically talking to the same people.



> Most importantly, the women in irl are much more attractive percentage-wise compared to the women in online dating.


I don't know where you get that from. Very attractive women online and in real life. And again, some of the women in real life are the women online.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

leonardess said:


> pre-Soon Yi Woody Allen or Post-Soon Yi,


LOL this is very funny. Well-written post. I hope things go well for you and your fellow.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

RyanJ said:


> Two words: The Stranger :teeth


ah, hadn't thought of that :

Seattle Times or The Stranger?


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

senrab said:


> LOL this is very funny. Well-written post. I hope things go well for you and your fellow.


thanks muchly!


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## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

leonardess said:


> What i did with mine is, I put a little quiz toward the bottom, questions like, dark or milk chocolate, barefoot inside or shoes, pre-Soon Yi Woody Allen or Post-Soon Yi, Dr. Ruth or Dan Savage, and so on.


It's a shame I would have answered those flawlessly, but I don't look pretty enough.


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## RyanJ (Mar 31, 2009)

leonardess said:


> ah, hadn't thought of that :
> 
> Seattle Times or The Stranger?


Oh the x vs y format just looked like something out of lovelab. I used to browse those for the fun of it. Plus it said Dan Savage lol... I'm not really familiar with the times / nwsource format. Do they do the same kind of thing?


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## reno316 (Jun 13, 2009)

joinmartin said:


> Not only do you not have evidence that there aren't men on dating websites out there with similar number of messages (*I got over a 100 messages during my time on one dating website so it is possible for men*. Still, I am English and many women do like the accent so...) but a woman is, of course, more than free to make her decisions about who she responds to based on who she likes the look of. Same as a guy is. Might want to pick that case back up again. Just a thought.


I remember in one thread you said you have had women approach on the street, and in bars. You're definitely the exception to the rule.

It may be normal for you to get attention from women, but I bet a majority of guys on these dating website wouldn't have hundreds of women messaging them.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

just wanted to bump this thread.....

Here's a message I received today, an example of what *not* to do:

"HEY LADY,HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?I WAS JUST ON HERE HOPING TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND HONESTLY YOU PAGE CAUGHT MY ATTENTION WITH ITS SIMPLICITY AND HONESTY."

:haha


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

senrab said:


> just wanted to bump this thread.....
> 
> Here's a message I received today, an example of what *not* to do:
> 
> ...


I'm always curious what guys write. What was wrong with this message in your opinion? He wrote a question and told you why he messaged you. I see two things that are kind of off: 1) "lady" 2) caps....but that is it.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

bwidger85 said:


> I'm always curious what guys write. What was wrong with this message in your opinion? He wrote a question and told you why he messaged you. I see two things that are kind of off: 1) "lady" 2) caps....but that is it.


yes, and those two things are what's wrong...especially the all caps. I don't know this person from Adam and that's all I have to go on. If I sound mean, oh well.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Any message I write takes me literally an hour to compose. Not because it's long, but because I'm constantly switching back and forth studying her profile to make sure it fits well. I'm not lying or anything, just trying to judge her personality and then go from there.

The problem with this is sometimes I can come off as being someone that I'm not.


Nothing frustrates me more than when I spend the time to write a girl a unique and personalized message only to have her completely ignore me. I'll see that they read the message, see that they viewed my profile....nothing. 

I respond to every message I get unless it's complete spam. Even if I'm not at all interested in the girl, I feel too bad just ignoring her.


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