# Sexual Surrogate... Ever Tried One?



## Friek (Aug 12, 2017)

I've been in contact with a woman who works a sexual surrogate. Basically, they're therapists that help you deal with sexual dysfunctions (from ED and vaginismus to more ephemeral things like shyness and fear of intimacy).

I have absolutely no romantic experience, no past relationships, and have never so much as held a woman's hand romantically. I constantly struggle with feelings of inferiority and the idea that I am an inconvenience or my presence offends women automatically. Rationally, I can understand that at least some part of the population could or would be attracted to me, but I can't believe it or act on it.

It was getting to the point where I was considering hiring an escort service or maybe even a prostitute to try and demystify the idea of being physically intimate with someone and expressing sexual desire. I'm not really hung up on my virginity, but while I've been making progress with platonic friendships and talking to new people, I haven't made any romantic progress in some three or four years of work on my anxiety and depression and it's not only frustrating, but dangerous. This is a common and powerful depression trigger for me.

I was wondering if anyone around here had tried a sexual surrogate and could give some idea of if it helps. Basically, the take you through some anxiety exercises, then into a mock-up of a relationship, with sharing, growing physical intimacy, to kissing, touching, sex and even a sort of break-up after the program ends. I was just wondering if anyone could give me advice about it. I'm still waiting to hear back from my regular therapist and get his thoughts. I really feel like I need to try a new thing after years without demonstrable progress.


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## MadnessVertigo (Sep 26, 2016)

I would if I knew any available. My experience with a prostitute was really wonderful but I have too much anxiety to repeat. Because it is illegal it makes it that much more nerve wracking... how do surrogates do this legally?


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## Sabk (Jun 15, 2017)

Hmm, Interesting concept. 

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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

So the idea is that after being with a prostitute, you'll lose all your anxiety & depression? And you'll gain confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex & you will no longer feel inferior?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Ms kim said:


> So the idea is that after being with a prostitute, you'll lose all your anxiety & depression? And you'll gain confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex & you will no longer feel inferior?


 Well, I wouldn't expect miracles but the basic idea of it seems valid to me. I mean it's basically the same concept as on the job training. :lol

We know that works for some people.


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## MadnessVertigo (Sep 26, 2016)

Ms kim said:


> So the idea is that after being with a prostitute, you'll lose all your anxiety & depression?


There is no one thing that one can expect to cure all anxiety and depression. However, I don't see why seeking physical, intimate touch should be seen as so different from talk therapy and drugs. You can read hundreds if not thousands of stories on this forum of people paying lots of money for therapy that hasn't helped them at all. Perhaps being touched, and having ones sexuality acknowledged instead of painfully repressed just might be more therapeutic than being pumped full of drugs.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Well, I wouldn't expect miracles but the basic idea of it seems valid to me. I mean it's basically the same concept as on the job training. :lol
> 
> We know that works for some people.


What if 3 women were interested in you at the same time & you had to choose one from the following:

Contestant#1 is a virgin who has been patiently waiting for a man. She has SA and doesnt have a clue about anything, but it's possible that by reading sex manuals she would be able to manage.

Contestant#2 is a former prostitute. She has no other work experience. If you are able to take care of her, that's fine, but if you should ever run into financial difficulties, she'll go back to her trade.

Contestant#3 is a prostitute. She explained to you that eventhough she wants to be with you, she has no intentions of quiting her important job of comforting men with anxiety and giving them confidence.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Ms kim said:


> What if 3 women were interested in you at the same time & you had to choose one from the following:
> 
> Contestant#1 is a virgin who has been patiently waiting for a man. She has SA and doesnt have a clue about anything, but it's possible that by reading sex manuals she would be able to manage.
> 
> ...


 I'm curious. How do I know these 3 and why do I have to choose? And why am I interested back?


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

MadnessVertigo said:


> There is no one thing that one can expect to cure all anxiety and depression. However, I don't see why seeking physical, intimate touch should be seen as so different from talk therapy and drugs. You can read hundreds if not thousands of stories on this forum of people paying lots of money for therapy that hasn't helped them at all. Perhaps being touched, and having ones sexuality acknowledged instead of painfully repressed just might be more therapeutic than being pumped full of drugs.


What better way to prove you're inferior than to pay for sex? It's not therapeutic. I think you'll feel even worse afterwards.


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## Friek (Aug 12, 2017)

Yeah, I don't know where that hypothetical came from myself. What brought that up?

I was just hoping that having some practice expressing being attracted to someone and experiencing physical contact would make it easier to believe it could happen in a non-medical setting.

I would love to hear directly from someone who did something like this. @MadnessVertigo, would you be willing to share anything about your experience? I don't know if I would be comfortable having sex with someone, even a therapist, but I would like to have someone to touch and touch me back, at least. It's exposure therapy, basically. I feel uncomfortable letting people know I'm attracted to them, so I would work on that with the therapist, in a controlled setting.


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## KILOBRAVO (Sep 17, 2011)

Ms kim said:


> What better way to prove you're inferior than to pay for sex? It's not therapeutic. I think you'll feel even worse afterwards.


on the contrary , I'd say it probably takes great courage to make this move if the person was someone like the original poster who suffers a lot from anxiety and other problems. calling someone Like that inferior isn't helping anyone.


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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

I've never heard of something like that. Sounds ridiculous, lol.

You're going to get attached to her and she's going to break your heart, I assume. But that's all part of the process, I guess.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Friek said:


> Yeah, I don't know where that hypothetical came from myself. What brought that up?


You


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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

OP isn't talking about prostitution. This is why we can't have nice things at SAS - because some high strung maniac has to come in and smear their ideals on something that's barely related.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

KILOBRAVO said:


> on the contrary , I'd say it probably takes great courage to make this move if the person was someone like the original poster who suffers a lot from anxiety and other problems. calling someone Like that inferior isn't helping anyone.
> if anything, the prostitutes are somewhat interior if their only "career" choice is nothing more that opening their legs for 10 minutes and taking money from lonely men rather than doing something more respectful for a living.


Thread starter first used the word inferior. That's what I referred to.

But now you call the very prostitutes who comfort you inferior. First you use them then you look down on them.


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## Sabk (Jun 15, 2017)

OP spoke about therapists who deal with people with sexual dysfunction. Sex being a possible part of the therapy. I'm sure it doesn't have to lead to that in all cases. Might be a case by case judgment call. 
If this is the case, then the woman or man for that matter has studied psychology/psychiatry and specialized in sexual dysfunctions. 
There is the assumption that they would only be women because OP is male, I'm guessing. Which I don't believe is the case.

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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

SorryForMyEnglish said:


> _Staff edit_


Sorry, what I meant to say was, "OP isn't talking about the moralities of prostitution". He's talking about a specific and rather expansive service (by the way he described it) and asking whether anyone has ever tried it.

You could argue a case about the morality of prostitution for BOTH sides of the coin, and I'm sure you can find an appropriate thread for that in the S&C Section.


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## MondKrabbe (Sep 7, 2015)

Man this thread got derailed like nothing else. I'm curious about the OP's situation as well. I have 0 experience in any of this, even a simple hug or hand holding. As much as I like to be touched, it happens so infrequently that it feels like a hot iron is being put on my skin.

Maybe it sounds strange but some of us would love to know what an intimate touch (which isn't exclusively sex) feels like. Just to have the experience of it.


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## HiddenFathoms (Jul 18, 2017)

.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Well, real sex is a beautiful thing. I do believe it can change your life if done right. Not gonna change everything, but at least make a difference. I'm glad this is legal.


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## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

I think sexual surrogates are a great idea. Talking about your problems is only gonna do so much, so having someone who can physically help you, in a professional manner, would probably help more. Hope it helps you, OP.


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## Friek (Aug 12, 2017)

Thanks, HiddenFathoms! I appreciate the point in the right direction.

Really, I do appreciate that lots of women are exploited sexually, but if I do go the route of having sex with someone, I would be sure to do so ethically and safely for all involved. The woman I'll be talking to tomorrow is a therapist and she'll be describing her program. I don't even know yet if it involves actual intercourse yet.


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Friek said:


> It was getting to the point where I was considering hiring an escort service or maybe even a prostitute to try and demystify the idea of being physically intimate with someone and expressing sexual desire. Im not really hung up on my virginity,
> 
> Basically, the take you through some anxiety exercises, then into a mock-up of a relationship, with sharing, growing physical intimacy, to kissing, touching, sex and even a sort of break-up after the program ends.


Mock-up kissing, touching & sex. Oh please!


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## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

Ms kim said:


> Mock-up kissing, touching & sex. Oh please!


Not seeing the issue. Could you explain for us idiots?


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## MondKrabbe (Sep 7, 2015)

TheWelshOne said:


> Not seeing the issue. Could you explain for us idiots?


She's under the impression that the OP has found the cure for his anxiety and depression, when in reality, all he's looking for is some experience in the field of intimacy. Not just sex, but touching and to be touched.


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## TheWelshOne (Sep 29, 2013)

MondKrabbe said:


> She's under the impression that the OP has found the cure for his anxiety and depression, when in reality, all he's looking for is some experience in the field of intimacy. Not just sex, but touching and to be touched.


Ah, got it. Really don't see the problem with it. It's the same as anything else, it's a skill to be learnt. And learning in a controlled environment minimises the problems. Especially with a *mental health professional.*


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Personally, I'm in favor of sexual surrogacy in theory, but I think it's mostly theory at this point. Not sure how well it works in practice.

And as others have said, this won't do much of anything to help a person's self-esteem or resolve feelings of inadequacy. The problem, in that case, is that a person isn't able to attract the interest of a partner, not the lack of sex itself. Which is why visiting a prostitute doesn't generally help, either. You're not going to boost your self-esteem if you know you only had the experience because you paid for it.

Sexual surrogacy is mostly designed to help people resolve problems like impotence/frigidity, or for people who aren't able to date for one reason or another (eg. owing to a disability). But I think wanting to have the experience of sex at least once is an understandable reason to see one. Not everyone is able to attract a partner.



tehuti88 said:


> If people here are always going on about how the men who see prostitutes shouldn't be shamed for it...then *the prostitutes themselves definitely shouldn't be shamed*


Thanks for posting this. Really drives me crazy when people shame sex workers and make nasty generalizations about them. Be nice if we could treat them like human beings once in a while.


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

Some prostitutes are proud of their job some are ashamed some are forced to work some work by choice, it looks like whenever people are talking about prostitution people got this very clear image of something.

People=variety

Sexual surrogate sounds like a good idea to someone whos been sexually abused and need some progress in order to break some barriers, or maybe not? No idea what a sexual surrogate actually do
In the right context anything can be good


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## Sabk (Jun 15, 2017)

I agree with Truant. In theory, it would be a good idea. And I'm curious to hear about this woman's program.
As I see it, it's not just sexual. It could be misleading to assume it all comes down to sex, due to the name of the profession. I'd assume, it would entail concentrating on many other factors surrounding sex, like intimacy, communication, interpersonal skills and the like. Being that it is a type of therapy, wouldn't the therapist and client explore root causes of issues (self-esteem, inadequacy, blockages, attachment issues, emotional distance, trauma, etc.) that lead to the client's sexual dysfunctions in order to work through them? I look at sex therapy in the more traditional sense and it sounds to me like sexual surrogacy is a more hands-on practice?
Of course, I don't know and this is just conjecture, but if I were to venture a guess on how it works, it's more than experiencing physical intimacy.

Again, the concept is interesting to me.
I can see how it would be a dangerous approach both for the client and the therapist, though. For example, a client/patient getting attached. It wouldn't be the first time a patient became obsessed with their therapist; I've read stories...

I also have professional huggers that come to mind. I remember watching a youtube video of a few people who had gone through the experience. Again, interesting concept.

I don't think I'd personally be a client/patient to either service, but they do intrigue me.

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## catcharay (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't see anything wrong w/ touch therapy, obviously with worker protections in place.


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## HenDoggy (Jul 26, 2014)

*Please stay on topic guys.*


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Hmm interesting.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

truant said:


> Thanks for posting this. Really drives me crazy when people shame sex workers and make nasty generalizations about them. Be nice if we could treat them like human beings once in a while.


Well, at least one line of my post remains.


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