# Internal dilema with marriage



## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Hi Brand new here. Curious if any other guys have experienced this:

I've been with my wife for 11 years now. We met very young and she was the first person I ever dated, kissed, etcc.

Come to find out I think I've had SA for a long time and never knew it. I am starting to feel this obsession over the fact I missed out on my late teens/20s years to go out and sow my oats. I don't want to hurt her. But I don't know what to do about all these thoughts and feelings I have about regret of not being more "active" when I was younger. 

I know I can't recapture the past. Just looking to see if any other guys with SA are/were in my position. 

Thanks for any thoughts.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

VanDamMan said:


> Hi Brand new here. Curious if any other guys have experienced this:
> 
> I've been with my wife for 11 years now. We met very young and she was the first person I ever dated, kissed, etcc.
> 
> ...


Do you love her? If so, then there's your answer.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

kind of hard to 'sow your oats' when you have SA. i can kind of see where youre coming from. i miss my first gf but i dont know if i would be sexually happy if she were the only person i was with. each person is different in bed but the best sex ive had is with someone i cared for. random hook ups are mainly a let down.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

nubly said:


> kind of hard to 'sow your oats' when you have SA. i can kind of see where youre coming from. i miss my first gf but i dont know if i would be sexually happy if she were the only person i was with. each person is different in bed but the best sex ive had is with someone i cared for. random hook ups are mainly a let down.


It is hard. However I at least know something about women now and know what is wrong with me.

Many people have said the same thing to me about random hookups being shallow. I agree. And yet I feel like perhaps this is a rite of passage that I've missed and been made hollow. Similar to getting your drivers license, graduating from highschool/college, shaving, etc...

Even though the random hookups sucked, is it something you think you needed to experience or benefited from?

I've asked these types of questions with women and I don't think they have the ability to see it from a guy's perspective.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Neptunus said:


> Do you love her? If so, then there's your answer.


Love and infidelity aren't always mutually exclusive.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

VanDamMan said:


> Love and infidelity aren't always mutually exclusive.


Wow. :no We'll have to agree to disagree then.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

VanDamMan said:


> Even though the random hookups sucked, is it something you think you needed to experience or benefited from?


 yes i do think that i needed to experience this. male or female, what person wouldnt want to know how sex with others feels like? its exciting at first but you feel kind of bad afterwards. still its something i think everyone should experience with.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

Do you honestly think these new hookups will be worth your while, if it ruins you marraige or breaks your wife's heart?

Almost everyone with SA has some difficulties with relationships, and many missed opportunities when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't think dwelling on it will do any good. Keep your thoughts focused on your present and future.

Why does it matter if you've figured out "something about women" now? You're with the supposed love of your life. If you do decide to go ahead and sow your oats, I hope at least tell your wife you're looking for an upgrade so she has a chance to do the same.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

nubly said:


> yes i do think that i needed to experience this. male or female, what person wouldnt want to know how sex with others feels like? its exciting at first but you feel kind of bad afterwards. still its something i think everyone should experience with.


Thanks for your honesty.



Perfectionist said:


> Do you honestly think these new hookups will be worth your while, if it ruins you marraige or breaks your wife's heart?
> 
> Almost everyone with SA has some difficulties with relationships, and many missed opportunities when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't think dwelling on it will do any good. Keep your thoughts focused on your present and future.
> 
> Why does it matter if you've figured out "something about women" now? You're with the supposed love of your life. If you do decide to go ahead and sow your oats, I hope at least tell your wife you're looking for an upgrade so she has a chance to do the same.


Thanks for your response.

I wish could just not dwell. But I've been "not dwelling on it" for 12 years and that technique hasn't really worked that well for me. Too much pushing stuff down has the tendency to come right back up. This is someone I do care for and don't want to hurt. Otherwise I wouldn't be talking to strangers on SAS to pick their brains.

I do expect most women to react negatively to my OP. Men and women, even ones with SAD, have a different paradigm of the world.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

Yes I know I'm a chick and inflicted myself upon this thread when I was specifically asked not to.

It sounds though like you don't want a woman's opinion because you are looking for a certain response (screwing around is totally worthwhile!) and you think women are less likely to give it.

I think it just boils down to whether or not you can be happy in your marriage without "sowing your oats". If you have been thinking about this for 12 years and can't move past it, it's probably putting at least some sort of damper on your marriage. Maybe even just talking to someone about this like your wife or a counsellor or something, would help you move past it. 

And if not, then it's up to you whether or not giving up your marriage is worth the experience you feel you missed. Keep in mind though that your marriage is an experience as well, one which a lot of people yearn for with the same strength you yearn for random hookups and flings.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Neptunus said:


> Do you love her? If so, then there's your answer.


:agree

And for me, if I were in your position, I wouldn't care. I sometimes regret not "playing the field" when I was younger (not necessarily sex, just messing around), but if I'd married young and had a happy 11 year (and hopefully lifelong) marriage to a woman I loved, I wouldn't care in the least.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

VanDamMan said:


> Love and infidelity aren't always mutually exclusive.


you're a brave, brave man to say this, but its true.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Have you considered role-playing and/or experimentation with your wife? If you explain this to her, she might be open to doing things a bit differently than you normally do.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

You don't mention much about the actual relationship; how close it is, etc. A lot of your answers could lie there.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Perfectionist said:


> Yes I know I'm a chick and inflicted myself upon this thread when I was specifically asked not to.
> 
> It sounds though like you don't want a woman's opinion because you are looking for a certain response (screwing around is totally worthwhile!) and you think women are less likely to give it.


I don't mind advice from women. I've asked others.

I just don't think, as young female, you could possibly understand the frustrations young guys with SA go through. I am sure you could pretty much go to any club/bar and just stand there. Literally just stand there, and some guy would come up and offer to buy you a drink, etc, etc. Guys have to work for it a lot more. It is hard to be charming when you are anxious and depressed about everything.

So while I do think some women with SA can have regrets, I don't think it is anywhere even close to what guys might feel. BUT, that is why I am here to see if any other guys felt this way. I've read many guys with SA feel this way at some point.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

IHeartSteveMcQueen said:


> you're a brave, brave man to say this, but its true.


If we can't be honest in this anonymous environment, what is the point of even conversating. Makes no sense to lie here. Lying if for the real world ;-)


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

In response to your original dilemna, just know that you're thinking of risking everything you currently have, a known quantity, for the possible realization of what amounts to a fantasy. I pretty sure that no one has ever opted for the fantasy and later regretted it. I mean, what could go wrong?


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Atticus said:


> In response to your original dilemna, just know that you're thinking of risking everything you currently have, a known quantity, for the possible realization of what amounts to a fantasy. I pretty sure that no one has ever opted for the fantasy and later regretted it. I mean, what could go wrong?


you're are correct atticus. it is going from known to unknown. Hence why getting feedback from anyone I can is helpful in trying to nail down how I feel and where to go.

To be honest, I don't have any particular fantasy. I just feel alot of pang and regret thinking about the past. When I see an attractive woman I litterally freeze up as I am simultaneously overcome with emotions of libido, inadequacy, hope, sorrow. I physically feel bad. I know I could do some cognative/behavioral therapy. That only manages the symptoms though. It doesn't really address the root of the problem(which is what I'm trying to figure out).


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## El Sonador (Sep 25, 2009)

About a year ago, I wrote a short story about a man who have been married for 20 years and then one day he starts looking for some flings, because his wife started to sound boring to him, but at the end he knew he was wrong but it was kind of late.

2 days ago, someone posted a comment on that story , a comment that says everything I want to say to you :

----------------------------------

I loved this story ! That's what we are all somewhat going through ,aren't we ? We live in a capitalist society where feelings are taken for granted .We started losing our humanity and losing the values, like family and love and sacrifice and struggle to keep things together and we are ready to lose grip of what we have in an instant when we feel that we are full of it and we search for new alternatives, but everytime we want more and more and then we come to a self realization that we had already lost the most valuable one, without making effort for him / her . This story ,puts that in our plates in a very simple way. Says wake up and love your family while they are still there and be grateful because you are a lucky chap that you have one ,while a lot don't.

----------------------------------


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

VanDamMan said:


> If we can't be honest in this anonymous environment, what is the point of even conversating. Makes no sense to lie here. Lying if for the real world ;-)


yup, you can still love someone and hurt them. I'm also of the belief that reconciliation is still possible after cheating, I'd be more hurt if my significant other fell in love with someone else. That would kill me.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

VanDamMan, here's my short answer: DON'T DO IT. It ain't worth it.

99% of guys here would sell their souls to the devil to have a relationship like you have.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

Witan said:


> VanDamMan, here's my short answer: DON'T DO IT. It ain't worth it.
> 
> 99% of guys here would sell their souls to the devil to have a relationship like you have.


Not to mention some girls too! :yes


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Witan said:


> VanDamMan, here's my short answer: DON'T DO IT. It ain't worth it.
> 
> 99% of guys here would sell their souls to the devil to have a relationship like you have.


 dunno about 99%. there are quite a few that don't want to get married.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

Honestly I don't like the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex. I would never do it. I don't regret sleeping with different guys. Each person is different when you sleep with them. I experienced all different things, had a lot of fun, and now I'm in a relationship and I don't have any desire to have anything to do with another man. But then again, we haven't been together for 11 years. 

But you are in a relationship with your wife, have been for a long long time and you love her. Sowing your oats or whatever shouldn't be worth breaking your wife's heart. Love and infidelity are not mutually exclusive, but you should care enough about her feelings to not do it. Think about if she cheated on you, how would you feel? I know that if my boyfriend cheated on me, I would be totally heart broken, I would feel stupid and hurt and worthless. My boyfriend was in a 3 year relationship back way before we met. He was completely in love with her and thought she was the greatest thing on the earth, but it turns out she was a ***** and was only with him for sex and was cheating on him for their entire relationship. All 3 years, she just continued to go out to bars, meet guys, sleep with them... I know how bad and stupid he must have felt and I would never in a million years want to make him feel anything like that again. It breaks my heart to think about him feeling like that.


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## IDK (Jan 16, 2009)

I understand your struggle, but I think it is more complicated then you think. You don't even know if 'sowing your oats' would have brought you any more fulfillment then what you feel now though. You are just speculating on what could have happened but you have no idea how it would have turned out. 

It sounds to me like maybe you and your wife are having relationship problems maybe? Something else is making you think about life alternatives. This seems to be a common thing though. It also can lead to cheating and irreparable damage to your relationship so tread lightly. If everything in your marriage was perfect, the last thing on your mind would be thinking about all the sex you could have with other women you know? 

Maybe your marriage has hit a rut and you are bored, or you are just having a bad day. I suggest you just think more, are you really just feeling bad about not taking advantage of being single? Or is there something wrong in your marriage that is driving you to think about doing something crazy?


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

.....guys :[ :no I think this post is making me want to rethink ever getting married and just stay a virgin all my life and stay away from guys. I thought my biggest issue would be finding a guy who fit with me, but that'd be too easy!
You have a wife now, you're not in the past anymore. If you do decide that cheating is what you want to do, I hope at the very least you have the decency to tell her you're gonna do it. If you have to lie about it and keep it a secret then you know it's something that can really hurt her and if you really love her you shouldn't want to hurt her. This post makes me reaaaallly sad btw


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## duskyy (Oct 23, 2009)

nubly said:


> yes i do think that i needed to experience this. male or female, what person wouldnt want to know how sex with others feels like? its exciting at first but you feel kind of bad afterwards. still its something i think everyone should experience with.


I never understood the point of sex without love, you might as well just use your hand. I have only been with one girl in my life, I thought it was love at the time but she was just using me and I regret it 100%. I don't even miss the sex, I just miss the intimacy. I don't see why anyone would WANT to have sex with random people and not have any expectations of it going somewhere.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

^^^^^^^^wow, just wow.


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## duskyy (Oct 23, 2009)

IHeartSteveMcQueen said:


> ^^^^^^^^wow, just wow.


what do you mean? Am I weird for thinking like that? lol.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Even if you decided to end your marriage and make up for lost time, what makes you think you're even capable of doing so now? I mean, if you still have SA, it's probably going to be pretty difficult to do. 

I don't know how old you are, but if you've been married for 11 years, I'm guessing you're around 30 or so. It would be kind of hard at that age to jump right back in the party scene and expect to pick up girls that are 10 years younger or so for random hookups. The game only gets harder as you get older.

You're probably just best off staying put, if you're happy with your wife. I'm almost 29 and have never even had the opportunity to sow even a single oat.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

illlaymedown said:


> .....guys :[ :no I think this post is making me want to rethink ever getting married


 you'd be surprised at how many women cheat.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

thepretender said:


> what do you mean? Am I weird for thinking like that? lol.


no, not at all.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

IDK said:


> I understand your struggle, but I think it is more complicated then you think. You don't even know if 'sowing your oats' would have brought you any more fulfillment then what you feel now though. You are just speculating on what could have happened but you have no idea how it would have turned out.
> 
> It sounds to me like maybe you and your wife are having relationship problems maybe? Something else is making you think about life alternatives. This seems to be a common thing though. It also can lead to cheating and irreparable damage to your relationship so tread lightly. If everything in your marriage was perfect, the last thing on your mind would be thinking about all the sex you could have with other women you know?
> 
> Maybe your marriage has hit a rut and you are bored, or you are just having a bad day. I suggest you just think more, are you really just feeling bad about not taking advantage of being single? Or is there something wrong in your marriage that is driving you to think about doing something crazy?


You are correct. Other parts of my life aren't where they should be. I've decided I need to improve those, including getting my SA in control, before I make any rash decisions.



illlaymedown said:


> .....guys :[ :no I think this post is making me want to rethink ever getting married and just stay a virgin all my life and stay away from guys. I thought my biggest issue would be finding a guy who fit with me, but that'd be too easy!
> You have a wife now, you're not in the past anymore. If you do decide that cheating is what you want to do, I hope at the very least you have the decency to tell her you're gonna do it. If you have to lie about it and keep it a secret then you know it's something that can really hurt her and if you really love her you shouldn't want to hurt her. This post makes me reaaaallly sad btw


Shouldn't avoid marriage. But just make sure you and your significant other are mature and emotionally healthy beforehand. Prenuptial marriage counseling should be mandatory for everyone getting married



Futures said:


> Even if you decided to end your marriage and make up for lost time, what makes you think you're even capable of doing so now? I mean, if you still have SA, it's probably going to be pretty difficult to do.
> 
> I don't know how old you are, but if you've been married for 11 years, I'm guessing you're around 30 or so. It would be kind of hard at that age to jump right back in the party scene and expect to pick up girls that are 10 years younger or so for random hookups. The game only gets harder as you get older.
> 
> You're probably just best off staying put, if you're happy with your wife. I'm almost 29 and have never even had the opportunity to sow even a single oat.


That is complete BullSh!t(The mods her are very strict about what they consider appropriate language. Apparently one isn't allow to say Beat_ff.)

Its never too late. I work near a university and I've been invited out plenty times by hot girls.....always declining though.

I know alot of you are saying don't. But then you don't really give any kind of alternative to what ails me. Makes me think you aren't objectively looking at it.


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

You might feel different if in fact you did have a chance to be more "proactive" when you were younger, its really not all its cracked up to be, in the end of the day, theres nothing worse then coming home to an emty house and looking back on your day feeling hollow and wondering if theres more to life then just hooking up and going out for drinks with buddies. 

You need to talk to your wife, for all you know she could be having the exact same thoughts. Relationship is a process of constant evolution, you grow together as a couple to compliment each other, you will have issues and obstacles and thats perfectly normal. 
On this end, I think most of us would give anything to know what it feels like to be loved and wanted. Dont throw it away.


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## stylicho (Nov 8, 2003)

There is an old saying that goes something like this "I'm married, I'm not dead". I think having sexual desires for other women is normal. But a marriage is beyond sex. When you get married you join that other person and become one for life. You should be able to discuss this and any other thing with your wife. If you feel you have to have sex with other women ask your wife if she will swing. I don't think you can be arrogant enough to think you can do it but she can't. Although I really don't suggest the swinger idea I guess it could be a last resort. Just my two cents


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## Emptyheart (Sep 15, 2009)

Do you still love her?


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

VanDamMan said:


> Hi Brand new here. Curious if any other guys have experienced this:
> 
> I've been with my wife for 11 years now. We met very young and she was the first person I ever dated, kissed, etcc.
> 
> ...


i think that's absolutely natural for someone without experience who has been in a very long term, monogamous relationship. it would be for both males and females, not necessarily always for sexual encounters.

i've heard that many times from people who have gotten married and settled down at a very young age who said they wish they had waited longer and experienced more freedom and independence in their youth before making long-term commitments with their partner. (i even hear that in reference to people moving in too soon with their partners, rather than being on their own first).

that's not to say that they didn't, and still don't love the person they are with. things may have very well ended up being the same down the road (in respect to getting married eventually), but it is different and more life experience which could have potentially made you learn more about yourself in the end.



> _Love and infidelity aren't always mutually exclusive._


absolutely. 
women most definitely cheat too. i probably know an equal amount of women and men who have cheated.

i think it would be insanely difficult to make an agreement with your wife and for her to give you the green light to have 'no strings attached' sexual relations with other women. it can happen (i read a lot of Savage Love..), but, particularly when it's one sided it can be hard for anyone to not feel some jealously or inadequacies.

you say it's your libido as well... is your sex life with your wife sufficient for your needs? are you open with her when it's not enough?

did she also lack experience when she met you? if she did, then i wouldn't be surprised if she has had similar feelings at some point. it might not be for the same reasons, but perhaps you aren't alone with thinking you have missed out and "what could have happened..." if you two had settled down much later.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

VanDamMan said:


> I don't mind advice from women. I've asked others.
> *
> I just don't think, as young female, you could possibly understand the frustrations young guys with SA go through. I am sure you could pretty much go to any club/bar and just stand there. Literally just stand there, and some guy would come up and offer to buy you a drink, etc, etc. Guys have to work for it a lot more. *It is hard to be charming when you are anxious and depressed about everything.
> 
> So while I do think some women with SA can have regrets,* I don't think it is anywhere even close to what guys might feel.* BUT, that is why I am here to see if any other guys felt this way. I've read many guys with SA feel this way at some point.


very common misconceptions often made here. 

talking about this with a therapist seems like a very good idea. if there are issues within your marriage that may relate then seeking relationship counseling may be beneficial as well.


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## IntrovertGirl (Apr 17, 2006)

What if your wife suddenly ended the marriage? How would you feel? If you'd feel relief and excitement about moving on with your life, maybe you should seriously consider ending the relationship. It's not fair to you or your wife to stay in a marriage like that. Considering you married young, it's likely that you didn't fully think these matters through before. It's not necessarily about how much experience you had before, but how satisfied you are in the relationship now.

On the other hand, if you think you'd miss your wife if she was suddenly out of your life, you should really question whether leaving is what you want. Either way, you can't have everything. Decide what's important to you and be honest.


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## rickthegreat (Dec 22, 2008)

Not married so I can't relate to that dynamic but I know what you mean about the younger years. You totally have my empathy. But anyway I'm solution-driven, so how about this idea? 

I am kinda surprised no one has brought up swinging or polyamorous relationships. (I've been know to think outside the box though.  ) She might be open to it. She might also understand and let you have some fun on your own for a while. You guys probably think I am crazy, but marriage is about being open no? So you should at least bring it up. Nobody has to get hurt or anything. 

I mean supposing you all are the non-SA spouse that is married to an SA person and he/she feels like VanDamMan does? Knowing what you know about SA, would you let your spouse have an affair of any kind? 

There's this movie--I forget what it's called. Long story short: The husband gets paralyzed. He feels bad for his wife. He -- that's right **HE** tells his wife to go on and meet someone else. You know, have an affair. Okay, so this situation is not exactly the same, but you know.  

Wish you the best Van.


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## El Sonador (Sep 25, 2009)

rickthegreat said:


> Not married so I can't relate to that dynamic but I know what you mean about the younger years. You totally have my empathy. But anyway I'm solution-driven, so how about this idea?
> 
> I am kinda surprised no one has brought up swinging or polyamorous relationships. (I've been know to think outside the box though.  ) She might be open to it. She might also understand and let you have some fun on your own for a while. You guys probably think I am crazy, but marriage is about being open no? So you should at least bring it up. Nobody has to get hurt or anything.
> 
> ...


Putting principles and religious beliefs aside, I believe if two people really loved each other, he wouldn't do it even if she gives him the permission, and he wouldn't ask her such a thing in the first place.

Yes, marriage is about being open and all, but its about being in love too, and I can't really see someone who's in love running having sex with other people just because he wants to "sow his oats" , that's just my two cents .

The movie you mentioned is "Breaking the Waves (1996) ", My mind loved the story, my heart hated it .


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## buddyfed (Mar 26, 2010)

Very interesting thread.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

This is a good example of why its better to date around for a few years. How do you know if you have a healthy sex life if you've only been with one person.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

VanDamMan said:


> Love and infidelity aren't always mutually exclusive.


This is very true... they aren't always mutually exclusive... love and sex are two different things... they can and hopefully do occur at the same time but often don't.

Oftentimes what hurts a person worse than the affair is the fact that they are being lied to. It is the fact they assume that the other person having to satisfy some need elsewhere is a reflection of them being inadequate, them not being worthy, them failing. It hurts because when your husband/s.o. can't turn to you, tell you what is hurting him and what he needs then that means he doesn't trust you and that hurts way more than not being loved. You can have all the I Love You's... and the physical presence of a man in your house calling himself your husband, but if at the end of the day he doesn't feel safe or trust you enough to tell you what is real and pretends that all is well - lets you live a lie with him - that is what hurts.

Because once you find out he has had sex with someone else it makes you question EVERYTHING... it makes you question whether you are attractive, whether you are funny, whether the memories that you have shared were real, whether what they felt for you was real, whether any part of your life was real or if it was all a lie, a big joke and that you were the naive stupid wife that bought into all of it. It is ego... and it damages your self-esteem.

I would advise you to talk to her honestly... tell her what you are feeling and tell her what you are contemplating. Show her enough respect by doing that and tell her that you do Love her... that you don't want to lose what you have but that you don't know how to deal with these feelings and urges. I know it will be hard, it will suck to have to tell her those things but it will preserve some level of honesty and respect if you at least give her that much.

She may even feel the same things - if she was young when you met her. Also consider if she does... how would you feel if she went to be with another man? Would you allow that and continue on with your marriage as if it didn't occur.

I can really understand your frustration - but lying is so complicated, and it never gets easier.

JMHO, take what you can use and leave the rest.

I feel for the level of frustration you express though - it is a horrible feeling to need that experience and to know it is wrong and yet to really feel you need to do it and yet, not wanting to risk what you have and hurting those you love.

I hope you find the way, the answers you need and I hope it all works out well for you - regardless of what you do.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I would take to your wife about it. Maybe she has the same idea. The role playing thing would kick in, then. Imagine what you could do!

I have always wondered about that myself - I am not married, though. I am at the other end of the spectrum. Nearly 35 and single, etc.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Another resurrected thread, would be interesting to hear the update though.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

nubly said:


> This is a good example of why its better to date around for a few years. How do you know if you have a healthy sex life if you've only been with one person.


I agree that is typically a good idea. The only problem is what if you happen to meet "the one" first? It would suck if you let that person go so you could have some more experiences. It is a tradeoff that each person must decide for themselves.

As for the OP, though this is an old thread, I will admit I have had some of the same feelings. I met my wife when I was 15yo and she was my first girlfriend and first everything else. I feel I did miss out on many experiences I could have had if I were single, especially in college. I didn't know what SA was back then but I always knew I had issues. I felt lucky for finding a woman and I put all my effort into making it work. I alwyas felt that if I were single again, I would stay single for a long time.

I have looked back and pondered how my life would be different if I hadn't gotten married at 18. I can think of a hundred different scenarios of how my life could be different. Some better, some worse. It ultimately comes down to if I would trade what I have now for what I could have had. I can never come up with a scenario that would make me give up what I have now.

My question to those who have had multiple partners in their lifetime is this: After the newness has worn off, is sex really any different with different people? I always tell myself that sex is sex. It may be new and exciting with a different person but over time I think it would become the same. I would rather work to keep it new and exciting with the person I have.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

^ your wife is a lucky lady indeed.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

leonardess said:


> ^ your wife is a lucky lady indeed.


Yeah, she knows it. She's spoiled rotten. Sometimes she complaines about stupid stuff and I have to remind her where she came from.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

^ lol

don't get cocky, kid.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

leonardess said:


> ^ lol
> 
> don't get cocky, kid.


I'm not trying to be. It's just that no matter how well you are doing in life, sometimes we all have to be reminded where we came from to put things in perspective. I am grateful for everything I have worked for and I know how easily it can all go away.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

tlgibson97 said:


> I agree that is typically a good idea. The only problem is what if you happen to meet "the one" first? It would suck if you let that person go so you could have some more experiences. It is a tradeoff that each person must decide for themselves.
> 
> As for the OP, though this is an old thread, I will admit I have had some of the same feelings. I met my wife when I was 15yo and she was my first girlfriend and first everything else. I feel I did miss out on many experiences I could have had if I were single, especially in college. I didn't know what SA was back then but I always knew I had issues. I felt lucky for finding a woman and I put all my effort into making it work. I alwyas felt that if I were single again, I would stay single for a long time.
> 
> ...


yes its different with different women. They don't move feel or touch the same


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

tlgibson97 said:


> I agree that is typically a good idea. The only problem is what if you happen to meet "the one" first? It would suck if you let that person go so you could have some more experiences. It is a tradeoff that each person must decide for themselves.
> 
> As for the OP, though this is an old thread, I will admit I have had some of the same feelings. I met my wife when I was 15yo and she was my first girlfriend and first everything else. I feel I did miss out on many experiences I could have had if I were single, especially in college. I didn't know what SA was back then but I always knew I had issues. I felt lucky for finding a woman and I put all my effort into making it work. I alwyas felt that if I were single again, I would stay single for a long time.
> 
> ...


Dude. This is a great post. I agree, particularly with your last paragraph.

One thing that gets me is how people feel pressured (and this include women) to have sex with as many people as possible, as if it is some kind of goal to obtain. While sex can be fun, at times having sex with random people can leave one empty and with low self-esteem...or so I've been told.

I understand where the OP is coming from. I'm currently in a relationship and it kills me to know that if I commit that while I give up having sexcapades with other guys, the guy I'm with has had sexual experiences with another woman. Or more so, it kills me to know that he has had sex with others, and whereas if I commit to life, I give that up completely. It seems unfair, doesn't it?

But at the same time, one has to think of it this way: Would you rather have a bunch of casual, meaningless sex with a bunch of people and come home to an empty house or would you rather make love to one person you care about for the rest of your life? Only you can choose.


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## El Sonador (Sep 25, 2009)

I would rather find the one right now and I know I will be happy and grateful for having her in my life, why in the world would anyone choose meaningless sex over that? if anyone is feeling like they want sex with other people right now, you should just just go ahead and break up with your spouse, because they deserve better.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

WineKitty said:


> Another resurrected thread, would be interesting to hear the update though.


:yes


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I understand where the OP is coming from. I'm currently in a relationship and it kills me to know that if I commit that while I give up having sexcapades with other guys, the guy I'm with has had sexual experiences with another woman. Or more so, it kills me to know that he has had sex with others, and whereas if I commit to life, I give that up completely. It seems unfair, doesn't it?


My wife had a few partners before she met me and she actually does feel bad for me that I didn't have any before her. It never really bothered me that she had been with others. They were before me and you can't change the past. I just don't ask her about them and she doesn't tell.

This may sound wierd to most people but she felt so bad about me only being with her that she gave me permission to cheat on her just once. That was quite a few years ago so I doubt the offer still stands but it felt odd to me. I never took her up on the offer and the situation never offered itself. I doubt I could ever do it anyways just out of respect.

It was probably just one of those tests women give to their men to see what they would do. I'm surely not going to fail that one.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

tlgibson97 said:


> I'm not trying to be. It's just that no matter how well you are doing in life, sometimes we all have to be reminded where we came from to put things in perspective. I am grateful for everything I have worked for and I know how easily it can all go away.


only joking, I thought you were. joking, that is.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

leonardess said:


> only joking, I thought you were. joking, that is.


I'm always joking


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