# How come attraction/interest is 99% of the time one sided?



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Because there are too many people around and chances are they all don't end up liking someone who also likes them. Probably.


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## Crimson Lotus (Jul 26, 2013)

Because most of us around this forum with SAD are probably at least below average when it comes to overall attractiveness which makes mutual attraction less likely and creates the false perception that it's the same for everyone.


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## Idontgetit (Nov 1, 2013)

Fat chicks/guys need loving to


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Only happens to people who don't know what double standards are most of the time.


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

komorikun said:


> :sus
> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else.


I don't think attractive people experience the same thing. Everyone an attractive person is attracted to will automatically be attracted back to them. They can focus entirely on availability & compatibility with each, which appears to be the storyline of most Hollywood movies - it is the perspective of the physical elite. Their problems with relationships boil down to: "Are we available to each other?" and "Do we get along?"


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I know these feels -.- it makes me feel like I'm incredibly picky and bad, maybe I am?

Also inb4 people who experience this are shallow/awful people :lol

Oh to be fair, few people are attracted to me anyway, and it's not like I even meet many people because of SA.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

VanGogh said:


> I don't think attractive people experience the same thing. Everyone an attractive person is attracted to will automatically be attracted back to them. They can focus entirely on availability & compatibility with each, which appears to be the storyline of most Hollywood movies - it is the perspective of the physical elite. Their problems with relationships boil down to: "Are we available to each other?" and "Do we get along?"


 I disagree. Everybody is not attracted to the same thing. There are plenty of people who are considered good looking who I don't find attractive. Even Johnny Depp claims he has been turned down by women.

To answer the OP: Simple law of averages.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

likeaspacemonkey said:


> Become more attractive, lower your standards, or wait for a miracle :stu


True. I got to go on a diet, join a gym, and get a better haircut. Get some better photos taken and try more with the dating sites. Maybe some other stuff.....


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

TicklemeRingo said:


> I disagree. Everybody is not attracted to the same thing. There are plenty of people who are considered good looking who I don't find attractive. Even Johnny Depp claims he has been turned down by women.
> 
> To answer the OP: Simple law of averages.


Yup.


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> I disagree. Everybody is not attracted to the same thing. There are plenty of people who are considered good looking who I don't find attractive. Even Johnny Depp claims he has been turned down by women.
> 
> To answer the OP: Simple law of averages.


Johnny Depp says that so he can seem more relatable. He's lying.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

VanGogh said:


> Johnny Depp says that so he can seem more relatable. He's lying.


How could you possibly be so sure of that? Unless... Oh my god you're Johnny Depp! Why are you and Tim Burton such bros by the way? Also ask Helena Bonham Carter where she buys her clothes plz and let me know. Cheers.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

VanGogh said:


> Johnny Depp says that so he can seem more relatable. He's lying.


It's possible, but it wouldn't change my point either way.

People who you consider good looking, or society at large considers good looking are not some monolithic bunch who all think alike and all have the same tastes. They are just as varied in personality as anyone else.

Some of them even have *gasp* problems with anxiety and insecurity.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> How could you possibly be so sure of that? Unless... Oh my god you're Johnny Depp! Why are you and Tim Burton such bros by the way? Also ask Helena Bonham Carter where she buys her clothes plz and let me know. Cheers.


Ok you found me out. I am Johnny Depp

:hide


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## eveningbat (Jan 21, 2013)

komorikun said:


> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


It has always been like that with me.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Do you think it's that everyone is trying to date out of their league?


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

I don't think there are 'leagues'.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Do you think it's that everyone is trying to date out of their league?


 yes sometimes thats the case. other times its just preferences.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

TicklemeRingo said:


> I don't think there are 'leagues'.


Okay. Then "trying to date someone more attractive than themselves."


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Okay. Then "trying to date someone more attractive than themselves."


Surely that's subjective? :stu


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Surely that's subjective? :stu


Yes, there are absolutely no objective measures of beauty whatsoever. :roll :no Come on now...


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I think it's like 80% objective, 20% subjective.


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## CheekyBunny (Nov 10, 2013)

I don't know this feel because, well...am I the only one who doesn't get attracted to someone unless I can feel/sense/am pretty confident that they're attracted to me *first*?


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

TicklemeRingo said:


> I don't think there are 'leagues'.





komorikun said:


> Okay. Then "trying to date someone more attractive than themselves."


Where does this assumption come from that people should only be attracted to people in the same league? How about "everyone is a hypocrite" because "everyone is attracted to attractive people" regardless of how they themselves look. Really, it's not complicated.

You see this attitude all the time when unattractive men try to hit on attractive girls. They get branded as *creepy *for liking the same thing that everyone else does.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

CheekyBunny said:


> I don't know this feel because, well...am I the only one who doesn't get attracted to someone unless I can feel/sense/am pretty confident that they're attracted to me *first*?


That's called insecurity.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

CheekyBunny said:


> I don't know this feel because, well...am I the only one who doesn't get attracted to someone unless I can feel/sense/am pretty confident that they're attracted to me *first*?


I mean I might push my thoughts aside and try to not think about it if I feel that there is no way in hell the guy is attracted to me. But I often think to myself within a group of people I wouldn't mind banging guy A and guy B.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I think it's like 80% objective, 20% subjective.


^Well even that's a subjective statement :b I'd disagree with those numbers, so...

But yeah, like the space monkey says, there are tendencies/trends/patterns...


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I think it's like 80% objective, 20% subjective.


Finally, someone agrees. I would say more like 90% objective and 10% subjective though. Regardless, it's a "majority rules" type thing for sure.


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## Parsnip (Sep 5, 2013)

I assumed this was just one of those natural things that happens because not everyone is attracted to everyone, leading to a fair few situations where one person is going to feel less than enthusiastic about reciprocating the affections of another. 

Despite the many claims that attractive people do not experience such a thing it shockingly happens to them too. There's always someone who wants the person who isn't you, and you'll eventually run into quite a number of them. Particularly on the internet/when actively looking for a partner, it kind of increases the chances of going "hi, I like you" and having them (im)politely excusing themselves.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

arnie said:


> Where does this assumption come from that people should only be attracted to people in the same league? How about "everyone is a hypocrite" because "everyone is attracted to attractive people" regardless of how they themselves look. Really, it's not complicated.
> 
> You see this attitude all the time when unattractive men try to hit on attractive girls. They get branded as *creepy *for liking the same thing that everyone else does.


I don't assume that but you are going to get super frustrated in life if you only go for people way more attractive than yourself.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

I think it's worth mentioning that when it comes to physical attractiveness, people don't always see themselves the way others might see them.

Never assume that a person you think is physically attractive also thinks of themselves as physically attractive.


^I could replace the word 'attractive' with 'unattractive' there too.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Because that's the way life works. You could always settle if you don't like being alone. I figure that's what most people do.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I was actually talking about attraction in general. Of the few people I've ever turned down they all had a personality that didn't really work for me, one of them was actually fairly physically attractive to me. It's about 60-40 for me on personality physical attributes I think. So I'm more likely to be attracted to someone with a 10/10 personality who is not quite my type than someone with a bad personality who is very attractive physically to me.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I was actually talking about attraction in general. Of the few people I've ever turned down they all had a personality that didn't really work for me, one of them was actually fairly physically attractive to me. It's about 60-40 for me on personality physical attributes I think. So I'm more likely to be attracted to someone with a 10/10 personality who is not quite my type than someone with a bad personality who is very attractive physically to me.


Yeah I've turned down more than a couple guys because of personality, even though they were physically more attractive than I think I am.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Law of average I guess. This is why I think dating is a numbers game. There are enough women I find attractive to hope that at least one would find me attractive as well.

I defiantly think people try to date out of their league. Especially those who have dated a very attractive person.



tbyrfan said:


> Finally, someone agrees. I would say more like 90% objective and 10% subjective though. Regardless, it's a "majority rules" type thing for sure.


Hmm, 90% objective seems a little high. If that's the case people must really settle more than I think.


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## Neo1234 (Mar 6, 2012)

I have no idea.I think it'd be better to ask them as to why they arent interested,only they can tell the reason(s)!
Anyway,imo, It's because a person wants someone better than their previous partner(s),so,while wanting that someone better,they can't really see /find/reciprocate interests in persons who like them,or may be in some cases someone still might not be over their ex ,which results in not liking/showing interests in others.So at the end of the day, I guess it's all about standards overall.I also tend to think that you can get better persons as you get on with your life and someone will definitely click where interests will be reciprocated


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I don't understand what the law of averages means.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I don't understand what the law of averages means.


Yes I'm probably using the term incorrectly, but basically I mean because there are much more people that each of us find unattractive than attractive, the likelihood that we will be attracted to someone who also finds us attractive is relatively small...

...or that the likelihood that someone we are not attracted to will attracted to us is quite high...

I'm probably not making sense. I'm tired :yawn Basically: odds/percentages


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## Mr Blues (Apr 1, 2011)

Yup it pisses me off too.

And because it's so rare to find a woman I like who feels the same way about me, whenever it does happen (which is rare) I get clingy and she quickly loses interest...


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Oh, the denial in here about 'leagues'... They exist, all right - they're just not as 'strict' as most people would make them out to be, and you'll see exceptions every now and then.

And leagues aren't just about physical attractiveness...

*Like attracts like...*



komorikun said:


> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


Few questions come to mind: How often does this happen to you? How many are you talking about? At what stage are you losing out on guys (first contact? after chatting? first date?), and when or how are you coming into contact with them (meeting them IRL? dating sites? through mutual interests?)?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Just Lurking said:


> Oh, the denial in here about 'leagues'... They exist, all right - they're just not as 'strict' as most people would make them out to be, and you'll see exceptions every now and then.
> 
> And leagues aren't just about physical attractiveness...
> 
> ...


It varies. In real life and on dating sites. In person and on dating sites 95% of guys that send messages or ask me out I'm not attracted to.

I haven't gone on a date in a year or more but those I met from online that I liked lost interest after 2 dates even though they were pushing for sex. There were several others that I wasn't attracted to after the first date, so I stopped answering their texts/calls. But I really have not tried enough. Probably need to meet 30-50 guys to find 1 boyfriend with online dating. I hate blind dates.

And lately I have been meeting people thru other means and yep the ones I find attractive are not interested in me clearly while the ones that do ask me out I have zero interest in.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

That was kind of a general reference to 'law of averages' up there, but I think he meant that if you keep at it, you'll eventually click with someone.

Are the guys you're interested in (much) younger than you? That would skew those numbers.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Just Lurking said:


> That was kind of a general reference to 'law of averages' up there, but I think he meant that if you keep at it, you'll eventually click with someone.
> 
> Are the guys you're interested in (much) younger than you? That would skew those numbers.


Younger but not that much younger. It's hard to say because I'm not just talking about now, I'm talking about stuff that happened between now and 9 years ago.

The ones that hit on me in person are various ages early 20s, mid 20s, mid 30s, and one old one, 50s maybe.


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## cosmicslop (Nov 24, 2012)

komorikun said:


> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


I've seen someone make a venn diagram for this phenomenon. The overlap was so tiny. It was made as a joke, but it's still painfully true. It makes me wonder what kind of first impressions do I give off irl.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


 Look on the bright side. At least you're not hopeless. There are a lot of people who would be happy if anyone was interested in them. I'm as lucky as you are but in a different way. I'm not really interested in any kind of relationship so I'm lucky in that way because if I was, I'd be hopeless.

You're lucky because you can settle if you choose to. You might not be 100% happy if you do that but there are a lot of people who choose to settle and have 70% of what they want instead of nothing.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Look on the bright side. At least you're not hopeless. There are a lot of people who would be happy if anyone was interested in them. I'm as lucky as you are but in a different way. I'm not really interested in any kind of relationship so I'm lucky in that way because if I was, I'd be hopeless.
> 
> You're lucky because you can settle if you choose to. You might not be 100% happy if you do that but there are a lot of people who choose to settle and have 70% of what they want instead of nothing.


I'm not expecting perfection. I just want to be attracted to the guy, not have too many fights, and not live in poverty. I don't know how it works when you date someone you are not attracted to. I'd probably avoid sex as much possible.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

komorikun said:


> I don't understand what the law of averages means.


Given a large enough sample size, random events will even out and approach the expected values:










In your case, it means that if you date enough people eventually you will find someone you are mutually attracted too.

.....

On a side note:

I don't understand Ramanujan Summation:










http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_+_2_+_3_+_4_+_⋯


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I'm not expecting perfection. I just want to be attracted to the guy


 Well, aren't you ever kind of attracted to someone? I just mean that even if you're not completely into him, other aspects can fill in for some of the lack of physical attraction. That's going to fade as he ages anyway, right?



> not have too many fights, and not live in poverty.


 You can never be too sure about the poverty aspect (many times people who used to do well fall on hard times for various reasons). As far as arguments, I don't know. Most people will eventually have their fair share of arguments no matter how well they get along



> I don't know how it works when you date someone you are not attracted to. I'd probably avoid sex as much possible.


 What will you do if you marry (or get used to) someone you're super attracted to and he loses his hair and gets fat in 15 years?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

> You can never be too sure about the poverty aspect (many times people who used to do well fall on hard times for various reasons). As far as arguments, I don't know. Most people will eventually have their fair share of arguments no matter how well they get along


Occasional arguments is okay but frequent ones not so much....



> What will you do if you marry (or get used to) someone you're super attracted to and he loses his hair and gets fat in 15 years?


By that time he will have grown on me, so that's fine. I can deal with a spare tire, as long as he doesn't gain like an absurd amount (70 pounds+).

Oh yes. One more requirement: If reproduction is expected then the guy has be intelligent.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Well it's already been said, but my first thought was because people want what they can't have.


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## Ineko (Jan 5, 2014)

Idontgetit said:


> Fat chicks/guys need loving to


yes, yes we do


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## eveningbat (Jan 21, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Yes I'm probably using the term incorrectly, but basically I mean because there are much more people that each of us find unattractive than attractive, the likelihood that we will be attracted to someone who also finds us attractive is relatively small...
> 
> ...or that the likelihood that someone we are not attracted to will attracted to us is quite high...
> 
> I'm probably not making sense. I'm tired :yawn Basically: odds/percentages


Quite true.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Yes I'm probably using the term incorrectly, but basically I mean because there are much more people that each of us find unattractive than attractive, the likelihood that we will be attracted to someone who also finds us attractive is relatively small...
> 
> ...or that the likelihood that someone we are not attracted to will attracted to us is quite high...
> 
> I'm probably not making sense. I'm tired :yawn Basically: odds/percentages


Not sure that's true.

In terms of personality, I think 'compatibility' one way will often imply compatibility the other. So there would be a greater than average chance that if you liked somebody for their personality, they would like yours as well.
In terms of looks.. I'm not sure it's true that we find more people unattractive than attractive. That definitely hasn't been the case for me at least.


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## mdiada (Jun 18, 2012)

Life has a deranged sense of humor


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Yes I'm probably using the term incorrectly, but basically I mean because there are much more people that each of us find unattractive than attractive, the likelihood that we will be attracted to someone who also finds us attractive is relatively small...
> 
> ...or that the likelihood that someone we are not attracted to will attracted to us is quite high...
> 
> I'm probably not making sense. I'm tired :yawn Basically: odds/percentages


It makes plenty sense.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

99% of the guys that try to get with me are nothing like the kind of thing I'm into. It's like they have no idea.


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

VickieKitties said:


> 99% of the guys that try to get with me are nothing like the kind of thing I'm into. It's like they have no idea.


It seems a bit irrational to think a guy could somehow get in your head to know who your ideal guy was. If that was possible, then every hookup would be a perfect match.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

changeme77 said:


> It seems a bit irrational to think a guy could somehow get in your head to know who your ideal guy was. If that was possible, then every hookup would be a perfect match.


I think 60 year old obese rascal scooter guys would know I'm not into it, that's the level of ridiculousness I'm talking about.


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

VickieKitties said:


> I think 60 year old obese rascal scooter guys would know I'm not into it, that's the level of ridiculousness I'm talking about.


What's a rascal scooter guy lol.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

changeme77 said:


> What's a rascal scooter guy lol.


Those guys with type two diabetes from their lifelong obesity that have so given up on life that they just ride motorized carts everywhere instead of walking their fat asses around. Obliviously athletic, twenty something metal chicks wanna get with that, right? (not)


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

VickieKitties said:


> Those guys with type two diabetes from their lifelong obesity that have so given up on life that they just ride motorized carts everywhere instead of walking their fat asses around. Obliviously athletic, twenty something metal chicks wanna get with that, right? (not)


Ohhh those scooters!! LOL

Think of the positive side. If he tries a sneaky kiss on you, he can't do the runner.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

changeme77 said:


> Ohhh those scooters!! LOL
> 
> Think of the positive side. If he tries a sneaky kiss on you, he can't do the runner.


But yeah, those are the cool dudes that try to hit on girls. The good guys don't make passes, you gotta pick them yourself.


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

VickieKitties said:


> But yeah, those are the cool dudes that try to hit on girls. The good guys don't make passes, you gotta pick them yourself.


If the good guy is at least somewhat intelligent he will realise the good girls don't make passes so will have to initiate things himself.


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## mdiada (Jun 18, 2012)

VickieKitties said:


> But yeah, those are the cool dudes that try to hit on girls. The good guys don't make passes, you gotta pick them yourself.


Ive waited then picked then waited then picked... All to no avail. Its really depressing sometimes.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

mdiada said:


> Ive waited then picked then waited then picked... All to no avail. Its really depressing sometimes.


Forgive me for noticing that you live in Kentucky, this might be a contributing factor. Keep it up, you got it!


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

komorikun said:


> It always seems like the ones that like me I don't find attractive. And the ones that I like are interested in someone else. :sus


That has been my experience too :|


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Do you think it's that everyone is trying to date out of their league?


Lets put it this way. I believe that some characteristics are more attractive than others on average, and these characteristics differ depending on the gender. *If you were lucky enough to have the right cards up your sleeve since birth, you're going to have a lot of people to choose from in terms of potential partners.*

The less cards up your sleeve, the more you are bound to have a hard time finding a suitable partner.

While we all desire the _creme de la creme_ of the opposite gender, some of us lower our standards with more ease. I have a friend who has very low standards and keeps getting laid and hoping from one relationship to another because he's easily attracted to girls most would find unattractive. In a way, that's somewhat of a blessing! To answer your question, I believe we don't all seek companions from outside of our league.



TicklemeRingo said:


> I don't think there are 'leagues'.


I have a feeling that Megan Fox is out of my league. I could be wrong though :lol


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Mr Bacon said:


> Lets put it this way. I believe that some characteristics are more attractive than others on average, and these characteristics differ depending on the gender. *If you were lucky enough to have the right cards up your sleeve since birth, you're going to have a lot of people to choose from in terms of potential partners.*
> 
> The less cards up your sleeve, the more you are bound to have a hard time finding a suitable partner.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have a female acquaintance like that. She is very pretty but seems to be fine with dating semi-ugly guys. So she goes through many, many men. Never single for more than a month or 2.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I don't think being attracted to people others don't find attractive is having low standards. Having low standards is dating someone you don't find attractive just to get sex/be in a relationship.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Yes, I have a female acquaintance like that. She is very pretty but seems to be fine with dating semi-ugly guys. So she goes through many, many men. Never single for more than a month or 2.


Do you think you tend to put more emphasis on a male's physical appearance than most women do? That's the impression I have, based on your posts and I find it rather amusing! I'm not judging you negatively, just genuinely interested in your answer.

The stereotype tends to be "_guys go for looks, girls go for personality._" Even if it's over-simplified, of course.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Mr Bacon said:


> Do you think you tend to put more emphasis on a male's physical appearance than most women do? That's the impression I have, based on your posts and I find it rather amusing! I'm not judging you negatively, just genuinely interested in your answer.
> 
> The stereotype tends to be "_guys go for looks, girls go for personality._" Even if it's over-simplified, of course.


No. Not really. I'm just more honest than most women. It's a lie that women don't go for looks. It's just that it's sometimes very hard to find a boyfriend so women settle for guys they rather not have sex with. That's why in so many marriages the husband complains about never getting sex. It's not that the wife isn't horny, it's that she doesn't find her husband sexy.


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## mdiada (Jun 18, 2012)

VickieKitties said:


> Forgive me for noticing that you live in Kentucky, this might be a contributing factor. Keep it up, you got it!


Haha thanks! Wont lie either, Kentucky sucks when it comes to trying to find anyone.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

komorikun said:


> No. Not really. I'm just more honest than most women. It's a lie that women don't go for looks. It's just that it's sometimes very hard to find a boyfriend so women settle for guys they rather not have sex with. That's why in so many marriages the husband complains about never getting sex. It's not that the wife isn't horny, it's that she doesn't find her husband sexy.


As someone who struggles with dating, and not all that physically. That is scary. That is like my worst fear and a huge reason I don't want to get married.

I'm not bothered that women go for looks. Its good that women are more open about the men they find attractive. Gives me and idea of what they like. I just want to be desired as sexy and being settled for is something I don't want to experience.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

komorikun said:


> No. Not really. I'm just more honest than most women. It's a lie that women don't go for looks. It's just that it's sometimes very hard to find a boyfriend so women settle for guys they rather not have sex with. That's why in so many marriages the husband complains about never getting sex. It's not that the wife isn't horny, it's that she doesn't find her husband sexy.


I know plenty of pretty girls who could find handsome fellas, yet go for the average looking guy because he's got "an amazing personality", which makes him appear sexy in their eyes. At least that's what they say, and they're in their early 20s so it's not like they're trying to settle with a lousy fat husband. My mother herself admits she's willing to overlook physical flaws if the guy is charming. Which is why she married my very short dad, although she had many guys lining up for her when she was young. :lol She has even done a bit of modeling!



Jesuszilla said:


> As someone who struggles with dating, and not all that physically. That is scary. That is like my worst fear and a huge reason I don't want to get married.
> 
> I'm not bothered that women go for looks. Its good that women are more open about the men they find attractive. Gives me and idea of what they like. I just want to be desired as sexy and being settled for is something I don't want to experience.


If that makes you feel any better, plenty of guys on here are good looking chaps yet their SA is the main reason they're not getting much action. I mean, just check the muscle thread! That being said, I remember seeing a pic of you and you were on the overweight side of things, if my memory is correct? I could see how this plays against you.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Mr Bacon said:


> I know plenty of pretty girls who could find handsome fellas, yet go for the average looking guy because he's got "an amazing personality", which makes him appear sexy in their eyes. At least that's what they say, and they're in their early 20s so it's not like they're trying to settle with a lousy fat husband. My mother herself admits she's willing to overlook physical flaws if the guy is charming. Which is why she married my very short dad, although she had many guys lining up for her when she was young. :lol She has even done a bit of modeling!


Either they are lying to you or lying to themselves to make their choices seem more reasonable. Trying to rationalize. In order to not be miserable people do this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choice-supportive_bias


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

likeaspacemonkey said:


> It's always a combination of factors. Bone/muscular structure and other genetically established characteristics are without a doubt some of those factors. But that's not all what physical attractiveness consists of. There's elements of someone's physical attractiveness that are very much established by the individual, the way they style themselves, physical and verbal mannerisms; and those different choices attract different individuals with different personalities. From personal experience I can say those elements tend to be huge in my finding someone physically attractive or unattractive, and they're established by that individual. Also, a person's physique standards are modified probably on a not-that-conscious level by repeated success or lack thereof, or bad experiences with people with certain types/styles. Learned behaviour. Like that, there's a bunch of factors, lifestyle stuff, personality stuff, income (sometimes), etc etc etc. Narrowing everything down to a couple things in shortsighted.
> 
> Anyway everyone's got their personal preferences and priorities.
> 
> Also glad to see you posting, you frenchie mofo.


I see, when I become less active for 2 weeks because I have to deal with certain issues IRL I'm already missed? aaaah feels good, man 8)

I'm up for a second round of golden ratio or deeper meaning of objectivity-related debating anytime, you silly psycho hehe


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> If that makes you feel any better, plenty of guys on here are good looking chaps yet their SA is the main reason they're not getting much action. I mean, just check the muscle thread! That being said, I remember seeing a pic of you and you were on the overweight side of things, if my memory is correct? I could see how this plays against you.


It doesn't make me feel better because I'm well aware of how SA can screw things up and can make someone attractive seem to have a bland personality. Plus I don't like that so many of my SAS brthren and sisters are struggling so much in dating.

You are correct about my weight. Its a never ending struggle. On one hand I'm proud that I can continue to lose weight on the other hand its really demoralizing that after losing roughly 65lbs (my current weight being 236) thats I'm still quite big. Add in the depression episodes and my weight tends to go up and down.


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## CharmedOne (Jun 1, 2013)

Mr Bacon said:


> I see, when I become less active for 2 weeks because I have to deal with certain issues IRL I'm already missed? aaaah feels good, man 8)
> 
> I'm up for a second round of golden ratio or deeper meaning of objectivity-related debating anytime, you silly psycho hehe





likeaspacemonkey said:


> http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...transsexual-800722/index8.html#post1069457817
> ^
> The audience wants it :yes


Yup. Lol. Welcome back, our crispy friend with the crackling wit.


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

arnie said:


> In your case, it means that if you date enough people eventually you will find someone you are mutually attracted too.


I'm pretty sure that people don't date each other unless there is attraction on both sides to begin with. So how does one get the law of averages working for them when they're not even making a dent in the numbers?

What you are saying would make sense if you said the act was meeting someone face-to-face with no other activities. Eventually, yes, being face-to-face with enough people means that the law of averages will work out so that at some point any person will find themselves face-to-face with someone mutually attractive. The mean time to get to that point is decreased with communications since for at least some people physical attraction isn't the only factor. However this is the land of SAD. Very face-to-face occurrences are happening and when they do happen there is minimal communication. Further, even when there is communication the fact that the person with SAD has been experiencing a profound drought compared to an average person (let alone someone physically attractive) they will be less appealing to the other due to their lack of experiences or relatability.


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## Glass Child (Feb 28, 2013)

I'd like to know where you got that statistic~


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Glass Child said:


> I'd like to know where you got that statistic~


I pulled it out of my ***.


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## Sam M. (Sep 15, 2008)

I think it boils down to people always wanting someone more attractive than they are.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Sam M. said:


> I think it boils down to people always wanting someone more attractive than they are.


Ah but can a person ever really _know_ how attractive they are?

*strokes chin philosophically*


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## Sam M. (Sep 15, 2008)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Ah but can a person ever really _know_ how attractive they are?
> 
> *strokes chin philosophically*


Well, I think some people may try for more attractive people to make themselves feel more attractive, or to gauge how attractive they are.

People are a mess, aren't we?


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Sam M. said:


> Well, I think some people may try for more attractive people to make themselves feel more attractive, or to gauge how attractive they are.
> 
> People are a mess, aren't we?


Could be. I don't know.

I think often people mistakenly assume that everyone who is deemed good looking realises/believes that they are good looking, and that people who are deemed "ugly" realises etc...


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

TicklemeRingo said:


> I think often people mistakenly assume that everyone who is deemed good looking realises/believes that they are good looking, and that people who are deemed "ugly" realises etc...


What most people say about you is likely the truth. I've been told i'm ugly far more than being told i'm attractive (up to a few years after puberty ended so it wasn't an "ugly duckling" situation), so it makes logical sense that I must be ugly. Attractive people who think they're ugly haven't been through that kind of thing - they often never get bullied much or at all, or grew out of their awkward phase.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

VickieKitties said:


> Those guys with type two diabetes from their lifelong obesity that have so given up on life that they just ride motorized carts everywhere instead of walking their fat asses around. Obliviously athletic, twenty something metal chicks wanna get with that, right? (not)


 Type 2 diabetes doesn't necessarily come from being obese. I have T2D and I have never weighed more than about 200 pounds. At 5' 11" that's not bad. And I was closer to 150 most of my life. T2D is something you're more likely to get if it's in your family.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Type 2 diabetes doesn't necessarily come from being obese. I have T2D and I have never weighed more than about 200 pounds. At 5' 11" that's not bad. And I was closer to 150 most of my life. T2D is something you're more likely to get if it's in your family.


Ah, a gentleman and a scholar. Thanks for setting me straight


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Could be. I don't know.
> 
> I think often people mistakenly assume that everyone who is deemed good looking realises/believes that they are good looking, and that people who are deemed "ugly" realises etc...


Not everyone but most realize it. Mirrors and compliments and a steady stream of dates without trying would probably give someone a decent hint.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> No. Not really. I'm just more honest than most women. It's a lie that women don't go for looks. It's just that it's sometimes very hard to find a boyfriend so women settle for guys they rather not have sex with. That's why in so many marriages the husband complains about never getting sex. It's not that the wife isn't horny, it's that she doesn't find her husband sexy.


 This is one reason why I tend to think "horny" has a different meaning to women (in general) than it does to men. (I could be wrong about men in general) Generally, when a man says he's really horny, he's not going to be that picky. I've had great sex with many people who I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to.

Attractive men might have a different attitude about it but if you're a dude and you can't just go out anytime and cast your net and get someone you're seriously attracted to, you're probably going to be willing to take whatever you can get.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

VanGogh said:


> Not everyone but most realize it. Mirrors and compliments and a steady stream of dates without trying would probably give someone a decent hint.


For some, sure, but you might be surprised how many people are insecure about their looks despite being found attractive by others.

Humans are not simply coldly logical/rational beings. We are creatures of emotion.

The big problem a lot of people on this forum seem to have is viewing themselves as hopelessly and irreversibly different to everyone else (which is perfectly understandable, of course). It's common to hear people refer to others as _'normals' _here. I can understand why people say that, but it's a way of thinking that can actually be quite self-sabotaging.

While I certainly wouldn't want to downplay or underestimate the effects of Social Anxiety, depression and low-self-esteem; one of the things you learn as Social Anxiety's grip on you lessens is that other people are really not as different as perhaps you/we previously assumed. We do actually have a lot more in common with others than many of us here seem to think. That discovery can have quite a powerful positive effect on confidence, in my experience.

Outward appearances can be very deceiving. People who might outwardly look like they shouldn't have anything to worry about can often be quite insecure underneath their exterior. Everybody is insecure about something. Everybody knows self-doubt, fear and embarrassment. It may not be precisely about the same things, or to the same extent as others but....you get the idea.


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## jamesjameson (Dec 30, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> How could you possibly be so sure of that? Unless... Oh my god you're Johnny Depp! Why are you and Tim Burton such bros by the way? Also ask Helena Bonham Carter where she buys her clothes plz and let me know. Cheers.







you reminded me of this


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

TicklemeRingo said:


> While I certainly wouldn't want to downplay or underestimate the effects of Social Anxiety, depression and low-self-esteem; one of the things you learn as Social Anxiety's grip on you lessens is that other people are really not as different as perhaps you/we previously assumed. We do actually have a lot more in common with others than many of us here seem to think. That discovery can have quite a powerful positive effect on confidence, in my experience.


Humans are also 99% genetically similar to chimpanzees but that 1% difference makes all the difference.

The other part not being acknowledged is that a lot of us might not care about that 1% difference. It's not we who are the ones deciding to keep ourselves away from others, it's the others who keep away from us. Maybe not for people with severe SAD but for anyone who simply is a little different, it doesn't matter how hard one tries - the world is filled to the brim with people who will close their arms and turn their backs.

It is an unspoken aspect of society. Everyone knows it, most people consciously do it, most people see others do it. Yet nobody publicly acknowledges it because it would take away from a society's idea of itself that it's saintly when in fact most humans are the spawn of satan and just hide it well.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

VanGogh said:


> Yet nobody publicly acknowledges it because it would take away from a society's idea of itself that it's saintly when *in fact most humans are the spawn of satan and just hide it* *well*.


Sorry to sound harsh, but if virtually everyone you come in contact with is choosing to keep away from you then it might not just be because you have social anxiety.

EDIT: ^That said, I don't know what kind of challenges you've dealt with in life or what kind of troubles you have, so forgive me for being presumptuous.


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## Testsubject (Nov 25, 2013)

Is it really 99%? That is depressing.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Testsubject said:


> Is it really 99%? That is depressing.


If so then 99% people don't know what double standards are and it's the 1% do know that's worth it in the end.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

It's not like you sit down, think of what attracts you, write that on a piece of paper and hold it up to every person you see, see if they fit the criteria, then decide "ok, I'm going to have a crush on this person". Most of the time attraction, in my opinion, isn't under your control. Initial attraction, anyways.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> If so then 99% people don't know what double standards are and it's the 1% do know that's worth it in the end.


What do you mean? I think you said that earlier in the thread too but I didn't get it.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

If you're so hard-up for a date, that's really the wrong question to be asking yourself.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

moroff said:


> If you're so hard-up for a date, that's really the wrong question to be asking yourself.


This is the 2nd time you've been pissy with me. Just because of that one thread. Really hold a grudge, man.


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

Look who's counting..


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> What do you mean? I think you said that earlier in the thread too but I didn't get it.


Basically most people try to go out of their league hence it's one sided.

I know someone who wasn't that good looking and she's a mean, self-centered pessimist yet she had the ego to think that she had a chance with this handsome, friendly, loving guy who already had a loving, beautiful girlfriend.

She never got him in the end.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> Basically most people try to go out of their league hence it's one sided.
> 
> I know someone who wasn't that good looking and she's a mean, self-centered pessimist yet she had the ego to think that she had a chance with this handsome, friendly, loving guy who already had a loving, beautiful girlfriend.
> 
> She never got him in the end.


Oh but for the most part I don't think it's a concious decision. I mean sometimes people avoid some people they are attracted to in favour of someone else based on concious decisions, and if you do that a lot and are unsuccesful then yeah, maybe you should reevaluate and see if you're asking for too much. But a lot about attraction is based on innate factors that people have no control over.

I'm sure most of the guys I've found attractive have been 'out of my league' but it's not difficult really lol I'm not good looking and my personality could use some work in areas. Mostly there just haven't been many guys though that I have been properly attracted to in the past. Obviously if you meet new people all the time your success rate should be higher for mutual attraction though, in theory anyway.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

Because 100% want a piece of the top 20%.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Oh but for the most part I don't think it's a concious decision. I mean sometimes people avoid some people they are attracted to in favour of someone else based on concious decisions, and if you do that a lot and are unsuccesful then yeah, maybe you should reevaluate and see if you're asking for too much. But a lot about attraction is based on innate factors that people have no control over.
> 
> I'm sure most of the guys I've found attractive have been 'out of my league' but it's not difficult really lol I'm not good looking and my personality could use some work in areas. Mostly there just haven't been many guys though that I have been properly attracted to in the past. Obviously if you meet new people all the time your success rate should be higher for mutual attraction though, in theory anyway.


That theory is true.

I get what you mean with those innate factors, I'm of Asian background and I'm attracted to white girls and many white girls I know wouldn't date an Asian - I do find them physically attractive but that preference to not date Asians is where it ends. That's who I am and if they can't accept that, fudge them lol.

There's plenty of attractive girls out there but I'm aware of where I stand in relation to them.


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## VanGogh (Jan 13, 2013)

euphoria04 said:


> Because 100% want a piece of the top 20%.


And that top 20% won't settle for less than the top 2%.


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## hasbeenpugged (Nov 10, 2013)

I am wondering what these numbers are based on? top 20% of what? Datebility? 

It's my dating experience as well that the people I am attracted to end up liking me for who I am but not in a romantic way, wheres there are types that are into me that I just cannot connect to. And I am not talking physically.

It's a good thing that there are rare exceptions.


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## venusinscorpio (Jan 29, 2014)

I'm having the same problem. What's the solution?


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

venusinscorpio said:


> I'm having the same problem. What's the solution?


Either change your standards or keep playing the 'game'.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

Or... work up the guts to talk to guys you do find attractive.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

venusinscorpio said:


> I'm having the same problem. What's the solution?


Improve yourself to the best of your abilities in whatever capacity that will make you more dateable or lower your standards. You aren't entitled to dates, you're going to have to work like the rest of us.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Unless you're one of those people who has never ending lists like 'eyes must be this exact percentage away from each other and they must have this exact shade of blue car' you're probably not going to be able to do much about your 'tastes' and preferences. You can't just consciously change most of this stuff. So basically the best option is to be comfortable with the idea of not being in a romantic relationship. If you can find someone who's mutually attracted to you then great, if not there's probably not much you can do about it unless the reason people are put off is down to something about your personality you feel you can change.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Unless you're one of those people who has never ending lists like 'eyes must be this exact percentage away from each other and they must have this exact shade of blue car' you're probably not going to be able to do much about your 'tastes' and preferences. You can't just consciously change most of this stuff. So basically the best option is to be comfortable with the idea of not being in a romantic relationship. If you can find someone who's mutually attracted to you then great, if not there's probably not much you can do about it unless the reason people are put off is down to something about your personality you feel you can change.


^what this dudette said


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## Durzo (Jun 4, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I'm not expecting perfection. I just want to be attracted to the guy, not have too many fights, and not live in poverty. I don't know how it works when you date someone you are not attracted to. I'd probably avoid sex as much possible.


Pick two out of the three. Thats usually how I do it and how I see most people do it. Just like with emotionally stable/attractive/intelligent. Usually its two out of three again. For example my girlfriend is attracted to me and we dont fight, but im broke as **** with no job haha.

Also dating sites are really odd for finding attraction imo, most people I have found attracted to in real life I may not have from just pictures.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Story of my life. But it's because I have no self-esteem so attractive men make me feel ugly. When I feel ugly I'm not going to flirt or show interest. Unattractive men I don't feel that pressure, so I'm more myself, so they usually take that as interest. 

I suppose if I flirted and showed interest in more men that I thought were good looking, then I might get some good action. But I'm terrified by the notion of dating, and also feel to revolting for any good looking man to want. The idea makes me feel preemptively humiliated! I'm reading this book "The Beauty Myth" and one part stood out to me more than all the others (that book is highlighted so much it practically glows!) and it was talking about all these ads we see of beautiful women being presented sexually, usually pictured in ecstasy.. That basically is how you describe make up ads, clothing ads, perfume ads that we see everywhere... And the author said "I don't look like that, so I don't deserve to feel like that" and that is the EXACT way I feel. Too ugly to receive any enjoyment from the opposite sex. Until that changes, my lonely situation won't. But my brain keeps telling me the only way to change it is to look different... so basically, yes, interest I receive is one-sided and leads to nothing because I can't go out with someone I have no attraction to. My loneliness is not that starved for attention, yet.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

^ Hey Barette I haven't seen a comment for you in a long time. Welcome back (assuming you've been gone)


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Jesuszilla said:


> ^ Hey Barette I haven't seen a comment for you in a long time. Welcome back (assuming you've been gone)


I have been! And thanks.


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## Royals (Jul 20, 2012)

You have to be attractive to the types who think you are attractive. If not, you could either change yourself to get the mutual attraction, or just stay yourself and keep searching


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Waiting for a guy you find attractive to approach you probably isn't the best option. How many girls here frequently approach men they find attractive?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

bwidger85 said:


> Waiting for a guy you find attractive to approach you probably isn't the best option. How many girls here frequently approach men they find attractive?


I won't ask out a guy if I risk having to see him again. It would be too embarrassing if he is not interested. I don't know if I feel like clubbing either.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I won't ask out a guy if I risk having to see him again. It would be too embarrassing if he is not interested.


 I know it might feel embarrassing but in reality, most men are not going to think anything of it. If he sees you again, what's the worst thing that's going to happen?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> I know it might feel embarrassing but in reality, most men are not going to think anything of it. If he sees you again, what's the worst thing that's going to happen?


Tell other people that I'm a horny gross old woman that hit on him. Anyways, there is no one that I'm terribly interested in at the moment.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Tell other people that I'm a horny gross old woman that hit on him.


 OK. But even if that happens once or twice, most people are not like that. Especially once they get past college.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> OK. But even if that happens once or twice, most people are not like that. Especially once they get past college.


They may not say something nasty like that but people do chatter/gossip. So no way. I'm only willing to hit on guys if I'm very drunk and not likely to see the person again. But I don't go clubbing anymore so that situation does not occur anymore.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> They may not say something nasty like that but people do chatter/gossip. So no way. I'm only willing to hit on guys if I'm very drunk and not likely to see the person again. But I don't go clubbing anymore so that situation does not occur anymore.


 Well, you know that's your best chance for success, right?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Well, you know that's your best chance for success, right?


What is?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> What is?


 Clubbing.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Clubbing.


I don't think it would work so well in the homeland. Plus I'm too old to do that regularly.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I don't think it would work so well in the homeland. Plus I'm too old to do that regularly.


 Have you tried? What about just normal bars where you go in and sit down and wait for a guy to buy you a drink?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Have you tried? What about just normal bars where you go in and sit down and wait for a guy to buy you a drink?


I don't have anyone to go with anyways. I'm certainly not going alone. Sit down bars are the worst places to meet someone. Most people just stay with their groups. I want to find a guy that has trouble meeting women and is on the quiet side. I kind of doubt guys that go clubbing regularly and hit on me will be that type. I've had enough of extroverts who have many friends. Those types drive me insane with insecurity and jealousy.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I don't have anyone to go with anyways. I'm certainly not going alone. Sit down bars are the worst places to meet someone. Most people just stay with their groups. I want to find a guy that has trouble meeting women and is on the quiet side. I kind of doubt guys that go clubbing regularly and hit on me will be that type. I've had enough of extroverts who have many friends. Those types drive me insane with insecurity and jealousy.


 What about internet cafes or coffee shops? I find it hard to believe you don't get approached when you're out and about. Men are usually pretty forward. Do you ever give guys you're interested in signals or anything?

Women are never too old for guys to be interested.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> What about internet cafes or coffee shops? I find it hard to believe you don't get approached when you're out and about. Men are usually pretty forward. Do you ever give guys you're interested in signals or anything?
> 
> Women are never too old for guys to be interested.


I only get asked out at meetups, not while out and about. It has always been this way. I went to university for 6 years full-time (at age 18-19, age 28, and age 34-36) and only once did I get a guy interested in me. And that was some weird Iranian who called my home phone over and over while I was gone, so bad that my roommate unplugged the phone.

Men really are not that forward. Maybe if you are hot and walk around in sexy clothes. For average women being approached by strangers is not common.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> I only get asked out at meetups, not while out and about. It has always been this way. I went to university for 6 years full-time and only once did I get a guy interested in me.


 You know if you are really shy a lot of people might interpret it as not wanting to be bothered. I mean, I'm sure you probably know that but if guys are not approaching you, there has to be a reason and I don't think it's your looks.

Do you think they get the impression that you might say something that will embarrass them? Most of my life, I have refrained from talking to females because the ones I was interested in always seemed like they might not react so well. I was literally afraid to talk to them.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> You know if you are really shy a lot of people might interpret it as not wanting to be bothered. I mean, I'm sure you probably know that but if guys are not approaching you, there has to be a reason and I don't think it's your looks.
> 
> Do you think they get the impression that you might say something that will embarrass them? Most of my life, I have refrained from talking to females because the ones I was interested in always seemed like they might not react so well. I was literally afraid to talk to them.


Do you honestly believe that women get asked out all the time? You really have no idea what it is like to be a woman.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Do you honestly believe that women get asked out all the time? You really have no idea what it is like to be a woman.


 Well, you're right about that. I don't. But I know how men are and men will usually at least try if they're interested unless they think it might not go so well.

You have a good point. I don't have a lot of experience. I'm just telling you why I have always shied away from women I was interested in. I tend to be interested in women who have strong personalities (the way they carry themselves is very attractive) and I have said the wrong thing to them a few times and paid the price.

If a guy is shy, he might be reluctant to approach you even if he is very interested. Even if he seems like the kind of guy who shouldn't have any problems with women, looks don't necessarily give people confidence.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't think it's necessarily about having double standards or aiming too high. For example, I have somehow attracted a few girls who would, from a neutral perspective, be considered attractive or had fairly nice personalities. But I didn't really feel it. Whereas, the girls I'm attracted to rarely seem to notice me, even if they would be considered less desirable from a neutral point of view. And no, it has nothing to do with "the chase" or whatever either.

I think it might be linked to SA. We tend to be more tense around people we like, which can be interpreted as coldness or a sign of being uninterested. On the other hand, we are more relaxed among people we're not-so-much attracted to, which might give off signals of being interested.


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## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

Perhaps the reason why you like the people you do is _because_ they don't like you in return. Their unavailability is what makes them attractive to you. Anyone who shows an interest in you seems less and less appealing.

This is very common.


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## CaramelTron (Feb 8, 2014)

I find Johnny Depp unattractive. I find Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Michael C. Hall very attractive. It depends on taste. 

I like blond men with hair who are in their 20s/30s.. Only guys who shave their heads and are in their 40's seem to like me back.


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## CaramelTron (Feb 8, 2014)

Ntln said:


> I don't think it's necessarily about having double standards or aiming too high. For example, I have somehow attracted a few girls who would, from a neutral perspective, be considered attractive or had fairly nice personalities. But I didn't really feel it. Whereas, the girls I'm attracted to rarely seem to notice me, even if they would be considered less desirable from a neutral point of view. And no, it has nothing to do with "the chase" or whatever either.
> 
> I think it might be linked to SA. We tend to be more tense around people we like, which can be interpreted as coldness or a sign of being uninterested. On the other hand, we are more relaxed among people we're not-so-much attracted to, which might give off signals of being interested.


Reading this, I realise this may be true


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