# Angry black woman



## Butterflyluv (Feb 12, 2013)

*Angry Black Woman*

I'm quiet,really quiet actually with social anxiety. Often times I feel like I come off weird to others or not aware of my body or voice or facial expressions. There is this person at work who is super aggressive. They often yell at me to get out the way or ask me why I'm doing this or that in a tone that I know means 'you're dumb' even though I'm doing my job and what I'm suppose to be doing. I hate confrontation so I just don't say anything and walk away. We'll one day the person is being aggressive as usual and asks me a question. I try to calm down and try not to mess up my speech or look stupid and the person looks at me weirdly. I thought I had messed up again but no the person was like why are you yelling at me,why are you rolling your neck and being an angry black woman.

I was shocked at first because I was sure I was calm, I don't even yell, I hate hearing my voice and I usually get the comments of what? Speak up! I apologized to him and said that wasn't my intent but he kept making fun of me with another coworker making sassy gestures. I just gave up and continued with my work. I feel like I can never win,now they think I'm an angry black woman which is nerve racking with the social anxiety. This whole situation makes me more flustered,overwhelmed,nervous and defeated. The whole time I wanted to hide in a whole and never speak again or just be even more quiet.

What should I do?


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## losteternal (Apr 1, 2013)

Throw a bucket of water over the stupid prick would be my reaction.but that could land you in trouble. There is no point trying to have a sensible conversation with someone like that so try to ignore it.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

People like to accuse others of being angry all the time when it's really only irritation. I had that happen to me in my last job. I remember getting an e-mail from my brain dead boss one time accusing me of yelling at someone who I had never yelled at. SHE was the one who did a lot of yelling. I even made a post about it. VanDamMan had a good suggestion ull out your phone and tell her you want to record her. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f39/how-to-handle-a-boss-who-yells-at-you-761450/

Not that it would have really helped that much - it was a totally disfunctional workplace. I found the best thing to do was to make accusation at others. Take lots of notes about what is going on and send it all to personnel. I was doing that and my boss eventually put me on paid administrative leave - for 6 whole months. I would have won the battle eventually but the people up above my boss shut my entire secion down because it was so badly managed. That's the way things work - brain dead boss didn't get fired, just the people who worked for her. A few years later she was forced into retirment. It's a game of survival I'm afraid. Think longterm and just outlast the jerks- they will get theirs eventually.


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## Socialanxiety11 (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm white, but Don't let people talk to you any kind of way. People just call you that to "keep you in your place", docile, and weak because they want to be proven right. Screw stereotypes and stick up for yourself.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Say something like, "keep this s*** up and I'll show you an angry black woman."

Is your coworker black? If not it would be extremely inappropriate for him to call you an angry black woman. 

But clearly you're suppressing your resentment of his treatment of you. People treat you the way you let them treat you. Take him aside one day and tell him you don't appreciate his UNPROFESSIONAL attitude and it better stop.


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## wraith (Feb 22, 2010)

I'm too drunk to read anything but the post title, but what the **** does color have to do with anything?


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## ANXPhoenix (Mar 17, 2013)

They're just being racist and stereotyping, don't let them get to you. You can be any way you want. 
You can be quiet, loud, aggressive, passive, prudish, sexy, emotional, calm, fun, boring, etc.

Stereotypes are just labels that others place on you, they do not reflect who you really are. To them you may be an "angry black woman", but just ignore that and see things as they truly are.

If you are being a little louder and standing up for yourself more, then that is a good thing! You are being a "strong and confident person"

And if you are just being how you normally are then don't listen to them period! They are just trying to provoke you and make you feel bad, and you don't have to give in to this. There is a strength in this as well; the strength to be happy with who you are.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

Screw those people. Take them aside one at a time quietly and let it be known you won't put up with it. Most people are more receptive one-on-one and less likely to try and get tough with you if they don't have friends around to impress.


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## Butterflyluv (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm going to try to be more confident. What should I say to them when they make comments like that? I honestly think they are trying to provoke me because I'm so quiet and nice. They don't even think I'm black,they ask everyday my ethnicity because I'm too nice and polite to be black. I thought everyone would be professional at work so I'm surprised on people's maturity in the workplace and the questions they ask me.


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## Butterflyluv (Feb 12, 2013)

AngelClare said:


> Say something like, "keep this sh*t up and I'll show you an angry black woman ."
> 
> Is your coworker black? If not it would be extremely inappropriate for him to call you an angry black woman.
> 
> But clearly you're suppressing your resentment of his treatment of you. People treat you the way you let them treat you. Take him aside one day and tell him you don't appreciate his UNPROFESSIONAL attitude and it better stop.


To be honest with you I find it extremely inappropriate with any race calling me that, I think you are right about suppressing my resentment for his attitude towards me. I guess in my naive mind I thought once you're an adult working that you would be mature and professional but I thought wrong but of course they think I'm uptight but I don't believe in asking other people personal stuff at work.


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## Butterflyluv (Feb 12, 2013)

ANXPhoenix said:


> They're just being racist and stereotyping, don't let them get to you. You can be any way you want.
> You can be quiet, loud, aggressive, passive, prudish, sexy, emotional, calm, fun, boring, etc.
> 
> Stereotypes are just labels that others place on you, they do not reflect who you really are. To them you may be an "angry black woman", but just ignore that and see things as they truly are.
> ...


I'm going to try to do this more, I find it funny though that when I do stand up for myself they bring it back around to make me feel stupid. For example someone said I know you use food stamps.I told them I have never used those in my life and he replied that since I was black that I had to have used them. I told him it was a stereotype and he said stereotypes are there for a reason. Ugh. I just don't understand why we label others anyway,yes your race is part of you but it's not everything you are.


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## meowtsetung (Mar 3, 2013)

If you live in the USA, contact the EEOC or your state's Department of Labor and get advice on how to proceed. Most countries have similar departments at the local and national level.

Meanwhile, you should be logging all of the racism and harassment in a written log: time and date, what was said, who said it, etc.

Don't show anyone at work the log or let them know you have it. Keep it in a private place like your pocket or deep inside your handbag.

You can use your phone to record conversations, too. Don't forget to take pictures of anything incriminating. If they send you nasty emails or voice mails, record them or forward them to a non-workplace account and save them for evidence.


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## Butterflyluv (Feb 12, 2013)

meowtsetung said:


> If you live in the USA, contact the EEOC or your state's Department of Labor and get advice on how to proceed. Most countries have similar departments at the local and national level.
> 
> Meanwhile, you should be logging all of the racism and harassment in a written log: time and date, what was said, who said it, etc.
> 
> ...


I might have to look into that hmmmm...thanks these were helpful tips.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Butterflyluv said:


> someone said I know you use food stamps.I told them I have never used those in my life and he replied that since I was black that I had to have used them.


 That's blatant racism. Write down exactly what was said, when it was said, and who else was there when things like that happen. Then compalin to personnel that people are creating a hostile work environment.

Some states have a Fair Employment Law. Under the Fair Employment Law harassment in the workplace may be illegal under two circumstances. The first is when an employer, supervisor or co-worker singles a person out for harassment because of that person's race, color, creed, ancestry, national origin, age (40 and up), disability, sex, arrest or conviction record, marital status, sexual orientation or military services. The second situation is when the content of the harassment itself relates directly to any of these protected characteristics (i.e. sexual harassment, use of derogatory ethnic or religious terms, age or disability related comments, etc.)


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## GaterBoy (Dec 31, 2013)

My theory is that because you are quiet and polite they are calling you the opposite to get a response, it's probably entertainment for them, but when you have social anxiety it's like an uncomfortable spotlight being shone on you. I would try and throw some humor back at them and derail their idiocy, so they think it doesn't bother you and move onto someone or something else.


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## DIVAMC (Dec 11, 2013)

I live this reality every day. I am 5'8.5", I have wide shoulders, and I am an alpha female. Because I have raging anxiety issues and social anxiety, I don't reach out to people. I pretty much show up, do what I have to do, and try not to have a panic attack. Because I am not accommodating or "happy", it automatically translates as angry. Being a large black woman and perceived as "angry" is not a good thing. I am fully aware that if I were a petite, blonde haired, blue eyed variety...I would be perceived as demure or (at the worst) spunky.

DISCLAIMER: If you are not a black woman, you will not understand. In our community, we have to be strong, capable, supportive, nurturing, and forgiving. In public, we have to be accommodating, warm, nurturing, understanding, smart (but not too smart...less we intimidate white people), capable, flexible, AND docile. If we don't smile as much as humanly possible, we have an attitude. If we speak with authority, we are yelling. 

Example: My male, Caucasian co-worker yells, curses, slams stuff around in the office. He verbally berates other employees to our patients and he uses obscene hand gestures. No one has ever said a thing to him. I got a couple of phone calls from my supervisor threatening to move me because she said someone complained about me talking on the phone to the patients too loud. 

A black woman with SAD is bound to be labelled and harassed. I have had panic attacks, I have called in sick, I've been moved and isolated. I have been belittled, verbally attacked, the lady in my office has (on more than one occasion) sprayed me with chemicals...but I'm the enemy because I don't smile enough or seem happy enough. 

I hope that this post is not deleted because people need to know that this disorder has many faces, but not the same reception. I am made aware every day that it is unacceptable for me to have/show any form of weakness. The world does not care. I have actually talked to my therapist about it. She seemed genuinely surprised that black women can be vulnerable. It is so frustrating that it literally makes you want to cry...but think about it. When is the last time the world cared one iota about a black woman's tears?


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## XnatashaX (Jan 6, 2013)

I think it would depend on how often this has happened. At some point it might require a visit to HR. 

If people are being idiots I usually try to say something sarcastic in response. Usually they will laugh and back down. The only downside to this approach. ( or maybe an upside if you happen to extroverted) is some people can see this as an open invitation to become work place buddies. I am not extroverted at all, so it just causes more unneeded anxiety.


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## Terranaut (Jul 11, 2013)

Are you even black?:b

Just kiddin'. I have been on the other side of that coin. I worked in a busy wire room of a NY bank on Wall St just out of high school. I encountered some rude females. They were black mostly. I don't want to assume that this wouldn't be true if they were white but office life can be a prison which forces you into situations with people that have no couth. I had mentioned on another thread that because of my situation being the eldest of eight I didn't get to go to college until I could pay for myself. So, my early 20's were lonely and over-worked. This ugly little middle-aged ewok-looking black woman (ewok from Star Wars) comes over and asks me when I'm getting married. The she says "never mind, who would marry a creep like you"?" She was serious. And I was hurt and outraged. She had no business talking to me like that--not anyone actually. 

I used to feed about 40 typists and other personnel their work because I had to look it over and put directions on it for handling. If you weren't busting your last bit of speed, I'd get this stair of hate from one or two as if--well, I don't even know because I'm from Brooklyn and I don't know from racism and some of these women were from the south and looked at me like I was some kind of "cracker"--just seething hate. Another had such a nasty attitude--and whenever she pulled her hair up into this bun thing she was extra moody. She made a mistake and gave me something I wasn't supposed to get. So I excused myself and said, ___ her name, I get the impression that the debit party want the other kind of processing than the kind I was handling. She snatches it out of my hand and says "give it here, I don't have time for impressions". This was typical every day behavior for her and she was assistant supervisor. She called an Asian girl she didn't like an effing frying pan face. And used to say stuff like "don't be staring down my mouth". It was enough to make you drink just dealing with the mean manners in that office. There were women of color there who I loved too, some fraternally, some literally, so there was no born-in bias. But I'm sorry you have to feel that kind of stupid office crap.


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## DIVAMC (Dec 11, 2013)

Terranaut said:


> Are you even black?:b
> 
> Just kiddin'. I have been on the other side of that coin. I worked in a busy wire room of a NY bank on Wall St just out of high school. I encountered some rude females. They were black mostly. I don't want to assume that this wouldn't be true if they were white but office life can be a prison which forces you into situations with people that have no couth. I had mentioned on another thread that because of my situation being the eldest of eight I didn't get to go to college until I could pay for myself. So, my early 20's were lonely and over-worked. This ugly little middle-aged ewok-looking black woman (ewok from Star Wars) comes over and asks me when I'm getting married. The she says "never mind, who would marry a creep like you"?" She was serious. And I was hurt and outraged. She had no business talking to me like that--not anyone actually.
> 
> I used to feed about 40 typists and other personnel their work because I had to look it over and put directions on it for handling. If you weren't busting your last bit of speed, I'd get this stair of hate from one or two as if--well, I don't even know because I'm from Brooklyn and I don't know from racism and some of these women were from the south and looked at me like I was some kind of "cracker"--just seething hate. Another had such a nasty attitude--and whenever she pulled her hair up into this bun thing she was extra moody. She made a mistake and gave me something I wasn't supposed to get. So I excused myself and said, ___ her name, I get the impression that the debit party want the other kind of processing than the kind I was handling. She snatches it out of my hand and says "give it here, I don't have time for impressions". This was typical every day behavior for her and she was assistant supervisor. She called an Asian girl she didn't like an effing frying pan face. And used to say stuff like "don't be staring down my mouth". It was enough to make you drink just dealing with the mean manners in that office. There were women of color there who I loved too, some fraternally, some literally, so there was no born-in bias. But I'm sorry you have to feel that kind of stupid office crap.


Has anyone ever complimented you on pronouncing a word correctly? No? That happens to me on a regular basis. White people complaint that I don't smile, but the white man in my office can cuss as much as he wants. White people are SURPRISED that I am well spoken. I don't want to assume it is because I'm extremely introverted, but it is hard not to take it personally.


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## BohemianFree (Nov 28, 2013)

Butterflyluv said:


> I'm going to try to do this more, I find it funny though that when I do stand up for myself they bring it back around to make me feel stupid. For example someone said I know you use food stamps.I told them I have never used those in my life and he replied that since I was black that I had to have used them. I told him it was a stereotype and he said stereotypes are there for a reason. Ugh. I just don't understand why we label others anyway,yes your race is part of you but it's not everything you are.


You are dealing with an irrational person, it's important that you know that. This person sounds out of his fcking mind..and for your own mental health you should realize that this man has a far more serious mental issue. If you have an HR department please report this...and the angry black woman comment.


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## BohemianFree (Nov 28, 2013)

DIVAMC said:


> Has anyone ever complimented you on pronouncing a word correctly? No? That happens to me on a regular basis. White people complaint that I don't smile, but the white man in my office can cuss as much as he wants. White people are SURPRISED that I am well spoken. I don't want to assume it is because I'm extremely introverted, but it is hard not to take it personally.


And it's part of the constant struggle, but you cannot expect them to understand, agree,or sympathize with any racial issue you're having...there's no stepping outside of that world and there's no acknowledgement of how real it is. A black woman with SA is hell


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## Terranaut (Jul 11, 2013)

DIVAMC said:


> Has anyone ever complimented you on pronouncing a word correctly? No? That happens to me on a regular basis. White people complaint that I don't smile, but the white man in my office can cuss as much as he wants. White people are SURPRISED that I am well spoken. I don't want to assume it is because I'm extremely introverted, but it is hard not to take it personally.


Oh I see what you're saying. It's racist--as if they're shocked you're not slouchy about your manner of speech. No, no one has complemented me for routine things but they have said I have very good diction--although I do have a pronounced New Yawk accent and had to work to get rid of it when I did narrations on training videos. When I heard myself say "computiz and dolliz" on tape, I was appalled and took diction lessons that my employer paid for.

My first ltr g/f was black and from the south (NC). She didn't sound very much southern but she had some southernisms. You didn't dare try to correct her because she took it as a right to speak that way as if it were Ebonics. But to me, it was the sound of dumb white trash that she didn't realize was where those expressions came from. I've watch the show COPS and I see those white cops from the south using the same language--where he at? Where's the gun at? Get outta da car slow real quick, "whenever I came around the car he was already running".

I guess its just cultural but personally I'd prefer the appearance of self discipline to get things right. I more wanted her to not embarrass herself by saying things like "envelote" when she meant "envelope". Or she would misuse the word "whenever"--which is one I've heard quite often now that I live in VA. They say things like "whenever I got home last night you were asleep". That doesn't make sense. It is not an unknown that you got home last night.

I don't know if they tech that wrongly in schools in the south or if it's just family traits. But what some people see as "black speak" or ghetto-English" is mostly the errors of the white people with whom blacks interacted way back when and not a measure of stupidity or laziness on their part.

I tried once to suggest my girl just tweak a couple of things to sound better and she wasn't having it. So, I had to accept it. And she was worth over-looking those things I would think should be easy to change if one wanted to. Perhaps if people who want to legitimize Ebonics--misuse of the rules of English--were to be shown that most of that seemingly lazy or undisciplined speech comes from backwoods "crackers", they'd be first on line for diction lessons. :b

ETA: As a native NYer, there were plenty of native NYer black females you spoke just like me and didn't have the southerisms. But it never surprised me or caused me to say "you're well spoken". I just new it was regional at its base.


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## DIVAMC (Dec 11, 2013)

BohemianFree said:


> And it's part of the constant struggle, but you cannot expect them to understand, agree,or sympathize with any racial issue you're having...there's no stepping outside of that world and there's no acknowledgement of how real it is. A black woman with SA is hell


I want there to be a better understanding. I want someone to say it is okay for me to be vulnerable. I want it to be okay for me to NOT be able to carry all the weight. I want it to be known that just because a black woman is not smiling does not mean that she has an attitude! I want to not be the default bad guy in professional setting. It is not fair that white women are victims and black women are angry. This is not acceptable. I have come across women of different races that have played many different roles, but never had a race of women that is painted with such a broad brush. Why does no one recognize our fear? If you were constantly scrutinized and vilified, would you not go deeper into a shell?


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## BohemianFree (Nov 28, 2013)

DIVAMC said:


> I want there to be a better understanding. I want someone to say it is okay for me to be vulnerable. I want it to be okay for me to NOT be able to carry all the weight. I want it to be known that just because a black woman is not smiling does not mean that she has an attitude! I want to not be the default bad guy in professional setting. It is not fair that white women are victims and black women are angry. This is not acceptable. I have come across women of different races that have played many different roles, but never had a race of women that is painted with such a broad brush. Why does no one recognize our fear? If you were constantly scrutinized and vilified, would you not go deeper into a shell?


I want the same things you do...and I can only pray that as the generations pass society and our people grow into something better.


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## DIVAMC (Dec 11, 2013)

Terranaut said:


> Oh I see what you're saying. It's racist--as if they're shocked you're not slouchy about your manner of speech. No, no one has complemented me for routine things but they have said I have very good diction--although I do have a pronounced New Yawk accent and had to work to get rid of it when I did narrations on training videos. When I heard myself say "computiz and dolliz" on tape, I was appalled and took diction lessons that my employer paid for.
> 
> My first ltr g/f was black and from the south (NC). She didn't sound very much southern but she had some southernisms. You didn't dare try to correct her because she took it as a right to speak that way as if it were Ebonics. But to me, it was the sound of dumb white trash that she didn't realize was where those expressions came from. I've watch the show COPS and I see those white cops from the south using the same language--where he at? Where's the gun at? Get outta da car slow real quick, "whenever I came around the car he was already running".
> 
> ...


I will speak plainly. Your assertion that my manner of speaking is akin to ebonics is offensive! I have a degree and am seeking a higher degree. I was educated in the north and the south, and I assure you that intelligence knows NO hemispheric demographic. This is the kind of thinking (if you can call it that) that I detest! You assume that I have some sort of mediocre dialect that solicits some form of correction.

I am a African American veteran, who works in a professional environment. The fact that I am constantly complimented on my grasp of the english language is a testament to the antiquated and racist view of minorities in this country.

Not all black people use ebonics and (for a very good reason) if they did, they would not use it in a professional setting. I am well aware of the spotlight I am under when I come to work. I would not give any small minded people the satisfaction of hearing me speak or otherwise express myself in a manner that can be categorized in an "urban" or even "regional" manner.

If your girlfriend felt comfortable enough, in your presence, to speak in a way that did not reflect perfect english...maybe she misjudged your character. You obviously saw that as a lack of her intelligence. Please do not misunderstand the truth. I am an example of a well spoken black women. I don't understand why anyone would expect any less.

Please see the disclaimer in my initial post. Apparently, it would bode well for you to read it again.


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## Terranaut (Jul 11, 2013)

DIVAMC said:


> I will speak plainly. Your assertion that my manner of speaking is akin to ebonics is offensive! I have a degree and am seeking a higher degree. I was educated in the north and the south, and I assure you that intelligence knows NO hemispheric demographic. This is the kind of thinking (if you can call it that) that I detest! You assume that I have some sort of mediocre dialect that solicits some form of correction.
> 
> I am a African American veteran, who works in a professional environment. The fact that I am constantly complimented on my grasp of the english language is a testament to the antiquated and racist view of minorities in this country.
> 
> ...


How could you say that? I didn't say anything about you. I said I understood where you were coming from and why your feeling offended is justified. After that I just made conversation that involved my own experience in an interracial relationship where I clearly said more than once that the issue of the langauge is not racial but regional and that the mannerisms those guys on your job seemed to be surprised you didn't have actually don't come from black people, they come from poorly educated and poorly disciplined white people. You completely misread--if you read at all. I'm sorry I wasted my time. You seem to want to be defensive no matter what. I'm disgusted. I don't know why I bother trying to be nice. It doesn't seem to matter. Either I get no acknowledgement at all or just get is crap in return form people who apparently don't read, don't think about what they read or assume the worst and just fire off a testy response. Keep it. Read me again. You owe me an apology.


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