# How to "find yourself"??



## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

So, I've come to the recent jarring (ok not really) realization that I am completely, undoubtedly full of ****. I look around at other chicks my age and I see everything that I despise, needy, compliment fishing, completely vapid, stupid, shallow, women. Then I realized...That's exactly what I am. I've become everything I hate. You know those girls who constantly complain about their looks to ANYONE who'll listen?? That's me. I went from wanting to stab those girls in the face to actually being one, and that's terrifying. I'd like to apologize to anyone here who's had to deal with my bull****, there are quite a few, (and you know who you are because you've all completely stopped talking to me, so thanks.) Anyways, I realized that I'm this way because I have absolutely no ****ing idea who I am or what I'm worth. I've heard some people talk about "finding yourself", and that sounds like something I desperately need to do...but I have no idea what that means or even where to begin. I deleted my facebook today because all it did was add unnecessary baggage to my life, so I guess there's step 1.

Now what??? Can someone explain how to go about this? Cuz I'm completely lost. (Obviously)


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## Consider (May 1, 2013)

Much respect for deactivating that joint. Best thing I ever did back in the day. If you want to change/find your whole self, personality, morals, standards, etc., it will need to be done in baby steps. Confronting this most herculean task will be quite the obtuse hurdle to leap, so it may be best to take it in pieces. Relevant question: do you smoke pot?


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## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

Consider said:


> Much respect for deactivating that joint. Best thing I ever did back in the day. If you want to change/find your whole self, personality, morals, standards, etc., it will need to be done in baby steps. Confronting this most herculean task will be quite the obtuse hurdle to leap, so it may be best to take it in pieces. Relevant question: do you smoke pot?


Yeah I do, maybe I need to quit numbing myself so much?


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## Consider (May 1, 2013)

I was thinking something just this side of contrary; don't utilize it as a tool for deactivating emotion, but as a device to inwardly stretch past your own thought processes and challenge them from a different point of view. But first, conspire some ideas upon which you'd like to brush on. Like a sort of game plan. What in fact makes you think you've suddenly become the thing you most loathe?


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## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

Everything I do annoys me, and I don't understand why I'm that way...It's like I've completely lost touch with myself.


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## SpyNumber403 (Apr 21, 2013)

I think this is common for your age (I'm guessing you're 18-26).... It's the big identity crisis everybody has when they sort of grow out of their "I have got this world pegged" phase. Anyway, I don't know if there is a way. If you ask Buddha, there is no self to find anyway. We're all just changing in whatever way we are in response to what happens around us.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Hmmm I only recently underwent something similar to you, though it was a combination of other things as well, such as being easily impressionable and a people pleaser back in the days, so I easily lost my identity through others. A part of my journey to finding myself actually started with a terrible relationship but I don't advise that xD. I'm still going through that journey myself, so I don't think I can provide any constructive feedback. I just allow myself to be rather open-minded to the many different people I encounter, and through getting to know their interests, I feel this innate passion spark and so now I have a shyt ton to research and read about. I mean the best way to discover your passions, likes or dislikes really is to explore and develop an opinion for yourself. However, if you are judgmental and not open to getting to know people, you limit your exposure to things that you might have never discovered yourself.

This identity crisis seems to be a pretty common phenomena, there's even a term coined for it called the "quarter-life crisis." I'm certaintly in the midst of it but I think I have found at least a little part of me in this journey of "finding yourself."


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## graymatter (Mar 31, 2011)

Try starting here.





Relax, take deep breaths. Accept your thoughts and feelings and be aware of your mind but not fixated on them.


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## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

pineapplebun said:


> Hmmm I only recently underwent something similar to you, though it was a combination of other things as well, such as being easily impressionable and a people pleaser back in the days, so I easily lost my identity through others. A part of my journey to finding myself actually started with a terrible relationship but I don't advise that xD. I'm still going through that journey myself, so I don't think I can provide any constructive feedback. I just allow myself to be rather open-minded to the many different people I encounter, and through getting to know their interests, I feel this innate passion spark and so now I have a shyt ton to research and read about. I mean the best way to discover your passions, likes or dislikes really is to explore and develop an opinion for yourself. However, if you are judgmental and not open to getting to know people, you limit your exposure to things that you might have never discovered yourself.
> 
> This identity crisis seems to be a pretty common phenomena, there's even a term coined for it called the "quarter-life crisis." I'm certaintly in the midst of it but I think I have found at least a little part of me in this journey of "finding yourself."


Being impressionable is a problem of mine as well. If I meet someone who likes to be around me, I will completely change myself to become more likeable to them...just because that doesn't happen very often. I also tend to hold my tongue as not to disappoint or upset them.

Good advice by the way.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Twinkiesex said:


> Being impressionable is a problem of mine as well. If I meet someone who likes to be around me, I will completely change myself to become more likeable to them...just because that doesn't happen very often. I also tend to hold my tongue as not to disappoint or upset them.
> 
> Good advice by the way.


I wouldn't say I've ever gone to the extremes of completely changing myself to be likeable to someone else, but I use to find myself compromising a great deal which is how I began to lose my identity through others. Nowadays, I am too detached but I'm trying to find a balance. A coworker of mine recently admitted that they use to try to embody a peron they admired, and it was quite evident that they really wanted me to do the same to them to bridge the gap from acquaintences to friends. Like they'd mention how they'd want me to adopt similar lifestyle choices, lingo, taste in music, etc. However, I think deep down we can feel a disconnect or internal upset when what we're doing isn't in alignment with who we really are. I've realized I wasn't put on this earth to impress or please others. I try my best to be a decent person, as in a caring and considerate friend, and if people don't like me (and I didn't do anything wrong to them), well I really don't care because trivial people don't matter. No matter what you say or do, or don't do, you can't please everyone and some people will assume the worst of you. Instead of thinking someone is quiet because they're shy, they will assume it's because that person is stuck up. And what's the point of pleasing anyone else, if you aren't happy yourself?

I use to be just like you in the sense that I was conflict avoidant, and didn't want to give my honest opinion because I didn't want to upset my friends, for fear that it'd mean losing their friendship. But honestly, in a real friendship, you should be able to express yourself authentically (of course with tact), and for each person to respect any differences in opinion or values, etc. Just as the speaker is responsible for being tactful in their speech, the listener has as much responsibility to try to understand their intent, without jumping to conclusions. It's draining and possibly toxic, to be around people who make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. So I'm learning to be honest with people about my thoughts. I don't mind openly disagreeing anymore. It may upset someone, but sometimes people deserve to be called out for their bad behaviour or because they need that tough love, for their own sake.


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## jimjam (Aug 22, 2012)

Well, I think finding yourself is actually quite easy. It takes a bit of a change in perspective first. You have to acknowledge these inherit truths about reality:

1. As SpyNumber403 (and Buddha) has said, there is no "definite self" to find. We are constantly in a rapid state of change, and we are adapting to our environment. Just as you learned to walk helped you in moving around the world, we are now "learning" to be adults to traverse a new kind of world (an adult social world). This is another important transitioning phase, and you have to realize that a lot of your values and morals may be in flux during this time. Relax and keep your mind open to new experiences and ways of thinking.

2. Though there is no permanent "definite self" to find, there are things that you can use to define yourself in the moment. Simple things, like "my favorite color is green," or "My favorite movie is Austin Powers." Think of all the things that you like most in the world, and write them down. Memorize them, if you haven't already, and really let it sink in that this is part of "you" and that these answers may change over time, and that's OK. But in the meantime, "I like green" or "Yeah, baby, yeah! Judo Chop!" is something that represents who you are now, and is a way to relate to other people who share these similar feelings, and share similar experiences.

3. Don't use "individualism thinking" to try and be "edgy" or "different." In fact, STOP TRYING TO BE UNIQUE. If everyone were unique and different in every way, we'd be unable to relate to each other at all! Trying to bee too different only pushes you away from society. Embrace the similarities with your peers, and use that as a way to connect with people. Its OK to be like others sometimes. This leads into the next rule:

3. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. Sorry, its the truth. But just because you are not a special unique little snowflake, doesn't make you any less important. Every brick in a wall, ant in a colony, and every cell in your body is important. Just because they are one-of-many, doesn't downplay their importance at all. You can be the best doctor in the world, or the best fry cook in town. It doesn't matter what you do with your life, there is no "right" way to live. If you love working with food, do it. If you love working with your hands, do it. If you love drawing, do it. If you love cutting hair, do it. There is no wrong answer. Every person, and every job, and every role in life is important.


Once you figure all of that out, the rest is simple.
Life is all about exacting your will. Fulfilling your wants and desires.

If you see an apple on a table, and you want to eat that apple, you first decide to do it, then walk over, pick it up and eat it. That's exacting your will. There's no anxiety, no contemplation. Its a simple task! You move your feet, then your arm, bite, and chew.

Every aspect of life is the same, no exceptions.

If you see someone who is attractive, walk over and go talk to them. If you want to go to a concert, buy the ticket and go. If you want to learn to cook, then start cooking. JUST DO IT.

If you want something in life, then go for it. It won't come to you. Get walking. Reach out your arms, and take a bite!


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## SpyNumber403 (Apr 21, 2013)

jimjam said:


> Well, I think finding yourself is actually quite easy. It takes a bit of a change in perspective first. You have to acknowledge these inherit truths about reality:
> 
> 1. As SpyNumber403 (and Buddha) has said, there is no "definite self" to find. We are constantly in a rapid state of change, and we are adapting to our environment. Just as you learned to walk helped you in moving around the world, we are now "learning" to be adults to traverse a new kind of world (an adult social world). This is another important transitioning phase, and you have to realize that a lot of your values and morals may be in flux during this time. Relax and keep your mind open to new experiences and ways of thinking.
> 
> ...


that's really helpful advice for me, personally. I'm going to have to read this now and again. I knew there was something to be had with the buddha thing but you really spelled it out. :yes


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## chickenfett (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm going out to find myself right now. If I come back before I return, please tell me.


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## sas111 (Oct 20, 2010)

Relations are vital for personal growth and self discovery. No wonder I'm a mess.


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## SpyNumber403 (Apr 21, 2013)

sas111 said:


> Relations are vital for personal growth and self discovery. No wonder I'm a mess.


Yes, this is true. They say you become like the people you hang around with. They help you form your identity. I hang with myself...and I become more and more like nothingness.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

I found myself with the help of the other SAS members. I considered my whole life, just as it was, finally without doubt about what I've experienced. Then, I builded on my happy-go-lucky individualistic personality from when I was little and much happier. I've always had a wicked sense of humor, but I felt I had to suppress it for fear of offending others. Also, most importantly, I considered how much more empathy I posses than most people, and have been using it to talk with new people and feeling what they feel. When I do this, I can practically read their minds! I don't let my doubts get in the way of the love I have to offer, and others' lies that must be erased with truth.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

jimjam, everyone is special, even you. We really are just like snowflakes.


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## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

jimjam said:


> Well, I think finding yourself is actually quite easy. It takes a bit of a change in perspective first. You have to acknowledge these inherit truths about reality:
> 
> 1. As SpyNumber403 (and Buddha) has said, there is no "definite self" to find. We are constantly in a rapid state of change, and we are adapting to our environment. Just as you learned to walk helped you in moving around the world, we are now "learning" to be adults to traverse a new kind of world (an adult social world). This is another important transitioning phase, and you have to realize that a lot of your values and morals may be in flux during this time. Relax and keep your mind open to new experiences and ways of thinking.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I have a pretty big problem with number 3. I guess I just feel like...why would I want to try to fit in with a bunch of people who have completely shunned me??

None the less, good advice


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

It's all about balance with your third. The need to fit in reconciled with the need to be different. It's really up to you how different you want to be. If you are, then you are, but faking it just to be different may be what jim jam meant. Just as long as you conform enough to fit in, you can lead and influence others with your uniqueness.


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## Twinkiesex (Apr 12, 2013)

Rufus said:


> It's all about balance with your third. The need to fit in reconciled with the need to be different. It's really up to you how different you want to be. If you are, then you are, but faking it just to be different may be what jim jam meant. Just as long as you conform enough to fit in, you can lead and influence others with your uniqueness.


I don't think I fit in at all, and believe me I've tried really hard. It just seems like the harder I try to be normal the more people realize it and push me away even more.


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## jimjam (Aug 22, 2012)

Twinkiesex said:


> I don't think I fit in at all, and believe me I've tried really hard. It just seems like the harder I try to be normal the more people realize it and push me away even more.


Name one thing you like, right now. I'll be damned if there isn't another human being within 5 miles of where you live that likes that same thing. Just talk about that. It opens up a world to new things. Don't get "stuck" in your own individualist world.

Hell, I'm a nerdy gamer guy. I sit inside and play games. But last week I went into the forest to pick wild onions out of the dirt. Why? Because a friend said it was fun. And I trust that my friends have good taste in fun, therefore I took an interest in his interest. And guess what? It was fun. I also love pizza. So I decided to put the onions on a pizza and share it. And fun was had all around.

Its quite simple. Fitting in is as simple as enjoying things, and letting others know you enjoy them.



Twinkiesex said:


> It just seems like the harder I try to be normal the more people realize it and push me away even more.


Let me put this in the form of another analogy:
If you try to wear jeans that are two sizes too small, every will notice the bad fit and look at you weird. If you try to force yourself into something that doesn't fit, of course they will notice! But for the wrong reasons.

But if you just wear pants that fit you, no one will notice you. But, suddenly, you'll start to notice all the people around you who are also wearing fitting pants in your size. And hey, look at that! You're comfortable and you have something in common with others. Win win!

Don't get too comfortable in your old slacks. And you know what? If someone recommends that you try a different brand, give it a chance. You might like it.


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