# I'm going to break up with my boyfriend today.



## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

Yesterday was our 11 month anniversary, and I've been putting off breaking up with him for about four months. It's just really scary because I don't have a lot of friends, even though I'm in college and see other people my age almost constantly. I know I'm going to be extremely lonely but it's gotten to where I don't have a choice. Does anyone have any advice on how to not go crazy?


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## john kimble (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok you didnt say why your breaking up with him. Your breaking up with him because you have a limit amount of friends?


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

Hmmm I don't know. Just keep busy. Go to the gym or read or do whatever you like to do.

Why are you breaking up with him?


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

why are u breaking up with him


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

Oh sorry I'm so distracted I didn't even realize I didn't explain haha. It's a really long story. I've just had it with him. He refuses to sleep at my apartment because of my dog, but since I have always had a dog and always WILL have a dog, that's kind of an important thing. Also he has a drinking problem. It took me two weeks to convince him to sleep at my place because I was having nightmares and feeling depressed, and when he finally did, he woke me up at almost 1am so drunk he could barely stand, to ask if he could walk over to my place to sleep there (because he knew I was upset with him). Then he kept me up all night drunkenly flailing around in the bed and throwing his arms and legs on me, and this morning I asked him if he still wanted to do something for our anniversary (he told me yesterday that we would celebrate today since we went to a football game last night with his friend who is about to move away, which was fine with me) he said it wasn't important because it's only our 11 month anniversary and that NEXT MONTH is the big one, and that he was watching a football game on tv anyway. I'm mostly just tired of him ignoring when I'm upset to the point that I have to pick a fight to let him know something is wrong, because he just doesn't care as long as he gets to do what he wants. That might not have been a very coherent explanation but it's the best I can do. The bottom line is that we just make each other feel like **** and I don't think that's something that is going to change.

The reason I kept putting off leaving him is that I'm afraid to be completely alone-- I'm sure I can figure out things to do on my own, I guess I just really needed to rant. I don't know what to do without him.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

well if you dnt know what to do without him i suggest you stay with him , plus you are afraid of being alone.Sounds like if you leave you'll be making a bigger mistake then if you stay.. If that makes any sense


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

Being afraid of being alone probably isn't a good enough reason to stay. You were alone once and you managed okay. If you feel like you want to break up with him and you've given it thought and tried talking to him and fixing problems then you should. Dragging it out won't make it better or you happier.


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## NoName99 (Jul 3, 2011)

^ This.
The fear of being alone is not a good reason to maintain a relationship. If you two don't get along and aren't happy together, it might be best to break up or you're just making yourself miserable.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

I ended it. He said the reason he doesn't care about the things I think are important, like our anniversary, is that he thinks the things I care about are stupid.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

Well then it sounds like it was good that you broke up with him. A person who cares about you would not think anything you care about is stupid.


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## lynnb (May 10, 2011)

tigerlilly said:


> I ended it. He said the reason he doesn't care about the things I think are important, like our anniversary, is that he thinks the things I care about are stupid.


What a jerk. He doesn't deserve to be with you. It's very mean to say that the things you care about are stupid.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

You don't deserve someone who does not respect you and doesn't even have the time to do the little things with you. His excuse is a complete copout and only reinforced the fact that you have made the right decision, as hard as it may be. It will be difficult for a while but you will manage and you will be happier in the long run because there will be someone else out there who actually treats you like you deserve.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

I think you're better off being alone than being with someone who disrespects you in that way.


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## NoName99 (Jul 3, 2011)

tigerlilly said:


> I ended it. He said the reason he doesn't care about the things I think are important, like our anniversary, is that he thinks the things I care about are stupid.


Idiot. You're better off.


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## JamieHasAnxiety (Feb 15, 2011)

meh... 
just do it and get it over with, thats the easy part, coping to be alone is another thing.
took me like 4 months to learn to be alone. i still dont like it. =\


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

That ^ is why I created this thread. I got it over with already, and I feel really lonely even after two hours. I don't know what to do with myself.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

It is strange to suddenly find you have all this free time and not knowing what to do with it. If you have any hobbies or something which you can fill time with then those are a good start.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

Ospi said:


> It is strange to suddenly find you have all this free time and not knowing what to do with it. If you have any hobbies or something which you can fill time with then those are a good start.


It's not the extra time so much as it is the fact that I don't have any real friends. I asked my two so-called friends to hang out today, and neither of them even bothered to answer me.


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

Ok tigerlilly,,,, search your heart,, do you really absolutely positively want to get rid of your boyfriend and be alone?


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

olschool said:


> Ok tigerlilly,,,, search your heart,, do you really absolutely positively want to get rid of your boyfriend and be alone?


With a boyfriend like that, eventually it would feel like being alone anyway. She doesn't deserve it and it would honestly be a terrible, terrible decision to stay with him just to avoid feeling lonely for a few months as she rebuilds.

She made the right decision, without a shadow of doubt.


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## Zugzug (Jan 16, 2011)

tiger thanks for making this thread this really hit home for me. I am going thru the same thing right now...basically I met this girl online a couple months ago and we hit it off. I met her at starbucks (she was a supervisor there at her young age) and I fell for her. We had fun and watched movies and did everything together. However, she sorta pissed off my family by being non chalant and not saying hi appropriately (and some other subtle things too) and now they dont like her and convinced me to get rid of her. I also sorta freaked out cuz she moved into college rez and I had to mingle with her friends, anxiety galore. So I initiated the breakup a couple weeks ago. 

Now I feel very alone, I am wondering if what I did was a mistake. I enjoyed her company...but my family and cousins told me "it was the right thing to do"...I miss her though

I seriously have no friends (well 1) beyond family...she was my best companion, I have one other "Friend" but he doesnt care about me too much, all I do is go to his house and play guitar and drink beer. when nightfall comes we say goodbye and thats it


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

olschool said:


> Ok tigerlilly,,,, search your heart,, do you really absolutely positively want to get rid of your boyfriend and be alone?


Are you for real?

Guy sounds like a jerk. She can do whatever she wants. Being alone isn't that bad.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

I think you made the right choice. Well done for following through. 

It is tough being alone, it is tough going from being with someone and having someone fill your time constantly to having nothing. As Ospi said. 

It is about finding other things which make you happy, about trying new things which could bring happiness. You never know what is around the next corner, as long as you are walking around the corner things will be ever changing. New people will enter your life and new interests will keep you busy. 

I have been through a lot, I have been completely friendless and even now have limited ones in this country. When I am alone and lonely I do things to improve myself. It is more about not getting bogged down when things aren't going right and changing things till you are happy again.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I did this a few years ago and experienced similar loneliness. It only lasted a few days as a result. If it's the type of loneliness I had it's more painful than remaining in a bad relationship. Just depends how bad it is. Sorry to say that but it's the truth. It needed another year before the time was right to break up.


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## Hadron92 (Apr 17, 2009)

Honestly, you can do better than that guy.

Good thing you broke up with him.


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## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

olschool said:


> well if you dnt know what to do without him i suggest you stay with him , plus you are afraid of being alone.Sounds like if you leave you'll be making a bigger mistake then if you stay.. If that makes any sense


I would suggest the total opposite. Don't stay in a relationship if you are unhappy - even if you don't have many other friends. This would be a good opportunity for you to try some new things, meet some new people, and make yourself happy.

As far as what to do when you are alone, STAY BUSY. I don't know what you are into, but do not let yourself sit around with nothing to do. That's when I fall into a large amount of depression - especially when I broke up with a girlfriend of 2 years. Good luck!


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## mr hoang (Aug 14, 2011)

Tigerlily you don't have to be alone, I'm here for you  haha. Glad you broke up with him.


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## fatelogic (Jun 21, 2011)

no advice but... *writes some notes down*


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

Well... I took him back on the condition that we're going to therapy together. :um


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Honestly he sounds like a regular college guy.


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

tigerlilly said:


> Well... I took him back on the condition that we're going to therapy together. :um


my first reaction to this is that therapy shouldn't be necessary at only 11 months into a relationship...then again, I'm sure it'll at least be beneficial to you both and help you sort out your feelings. best of luck to you. dealing with relationship problems and breakups is certainly not easy.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

tigerlilly said:


> I ended it. He said the reason he doesn't care about the things I think are important, like our anniversary, is that he thinks the things I care about are stupid.


Charming fellow.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

What is with some women that they can't stand to be alone (I guess they're called "manaholics")? I just don't get it. Forgive me, but the need to have a man in one's life is a sign of weakness. My advice to you is not to even consider dating again for at least a year. Focus on yourself only.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

BKrakow said:


> my first reaction to this is that therapy shouldn't be necessary at only 11 months into a relationship...then again, I'm sure it'll at least be beneficial to you both and help you sort out your feelings. best of luck to you. dealing with relationship problems and breakups is certainly not easy.


I've been trying to get him to go to therapy on his own for almost the whole time we've been dating. He has an abusive father and severe emotional issues, but since he was suicidal in high school and was forced to go to therapy as a teen, he was afraid to go back. He volunteered to go with me because he knew I wouldn't take him back otherwise.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

artandis said:


> Being afraid of being alone probably isn't a good enough reason to stay. You were alone once and you managed okay. If you feel like you want to break up with him and you've given it thought and tried talking to him and fixing problems then you should. Dragging it out won't make it better or you happier.


Good point.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

The girl my ex started dating right after me made him go to couple's therapy after about six months of dating...there was always an issue with them. He and I were hanging out at his place (yep we stayed friends) and he had to lie to her and say I wasn't around, for starters. It was also clear she had something else to whine about so he gave me that tired look and waved me off. Long story short, they did months of therapy and in the end just ended it. My thinking is if you need therapy this early on, it's not going to end in marriage. It's noble of you to want him to seek help and help him out with the abuse issues, but it's definitely far better to do it as a friend. Nothing you care about "is stupid." The first few years are supposed to be blissful and happy and all kinds of fun. Sure, people fight, but the happiness should outweigh the tough spots.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

tigerlilly said:


> I've been trying to get him to go to therapy on his own for almost the whole time we've been dating. He has an abusive father and severe emotional issues, but since he was suicidal in high school and was forced to go to therapy as a teen, he was afraid to go back. He volunteered to go with me because he knew I wouldn't take him back otherwise.


I don't know the details of the relationship. I give you credit for trying to make it work with him, but don't ever let his past be an excuse him for him. He is what he is what he is, and therapy only does so much.

Also, don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him. There are two problems with this:
1) It's not good for yourself.
2) He may figure out you pity him and will resent you for it.

Anyway, what do I know. Hope things work out with you two. You never know, I guess.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Good luck tigerlilly. I guess sometimes it is nicer to stay in a disfunctional relationship than to be alone - not sure if its better or not.

Don't stop trying to spend time with friends and meeting others though!


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## spaceygirl (Dec 4, 2009)

had the issues of counselling come up before? personally, I find it highly disngenuine if someone is "willing" to go to counselling only when you break-up with them..anyways, I hope things work out for the best for you! listen to your gut feelings...


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

My question is what the hell is a 11th month anniversary? Typically anniversaries are to commemorate a particular day each year. I think it's absurd to denote arbitrary days as ___ anniversary. I would understand 6th month but 11th? Do you celebrate every month then? It makes no sense to me.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

jamesd said:


> My question is what the hell is a 11th month anniversary? Typically anniversaries are to commemorate a particular day each year. I think it's absurd to denote arbitrary days as ___ anniversary. I would understand 6th month but 11th? Do you celebrate every month then? It makes no sense to me.


People need reasons to celebrate. It makes life more bearable. I don't blame new couples for celebrating "x" months or whatever. It can be almost insufferably annoying sometimes, but if they're happy then who am I to say they're wrong. The world needs more happiness.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Witan said:


> People need reasons to celebrate. It makes life more bearable. I don't blame new couples for celebrating "x" months or whatever. It can be almost insufferably annoying sometimes, but if they're happy then who am I to say they're wrong. The world needs more happiness.


I agree. 
I never was one to count months but hey, why not?


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

I know. You're all right, I should have stuck with my decision. I'm weak and pathetic. I created this thread to help me get through the tough time immediately after leaving without taking him back, and it didn't work.

And as for the anniversary thing-- I call it an "anniversary" because I don't know a more accurate word for that. I don't think that just because it's not only once a year that means it's stupid to make note of it.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

tigerlilly said:


> I know. You're all right, I should have stuck with my decision. I'm weak and pathetic. I created this thread to help me get through the tough time immediately after leaving without taking him back, and it didn't work.
> 
> And as for the anniversary thing-- I call it an "anniversary" because I don't know a more accurate word for that. I don't think that just because it's not only once a year that means it's stupid to make note of it.


You're not weak or pathetic. When you're ready to let go of him there will be supportive ears (eyes?) to vent to here.


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

OP, don't beat yourself up. breakups are tough and a lot of people have trouble making a clean break. just go easy on yourself and take some time to clear your head and think about what you want.


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