# Therapy Group Helped Imm, Now I'm Reverting



## Michael1973 (May 25, 2005)

10 years ago, a CBT therapy group for SA started in my area. Getting involved with that was one of the best things I ever did. I learned a lot about changing my thinking habits and met some fantastic people. There were periods in my life where having this group in my life made me immensely happy. At one point, I even took over leading the group to ensure that it wouldn't end after a previous leader moved on.

Sadly, this group has fallen apart and it's hard for me to deal with. When I try to contact the members to gauge further interest, I barely get any responses. I've tried to arrange get-togethers in recent months that almost nobody expressed interest in. For awhile there, I really felt like I had this talent to help people who've suffered as I have, but how do you do that when you don't have enough members to run the group? I feel as though my self-esteem went way up when the group was doing well, and now it's way down again.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Could you advertise on Craigslist, flyers in coffee shops, college campuses etc. for a new group to be formed? Maybe some of the old members would help you to run it? I think it's wonderful you could be part of a group like this. If I were in your town, you'd have me as a new member! I really hope you find a way to do this - sounds so deeply satisfying!


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## Michael1973 (May 25, 2005)

marsia said:


> Could you advertise on Craigslist, flyers in coffee shops, college campuses etc. for a new group to be formed? Maybe some of the old members would help you to run it? I think it's wonderful you could be part of a group like this. If I were in your town, you'd have me as a new member! I really hope you find a way to do this - sounds so deeply satisfying!


I actually have a decent source for new members. The problem tends to be that people who've joined more recently were less committed than previous members, acnd that makes the group hard to manage. For this to work effectively, you need to have mostly the same people there each week and I personally like to have at least 7-8 at a meeting (or more).

What's been normal until recently is that each session of group would contain roughly 3-4 new people and 7-9 people coming back. Therefore, with an average absensce rate of 3 per week, we still get a good group most of the time. But now, I'm only hearing from 3-4 who want to come back and that's the problem. Another problem is that I really feel the group would benefit from a co-leader, but nobody is willing.

Thanks for the suggestions, though. It's appreciated.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Michael1973 said:


> I actually have a decent source for new members. The problem tends to be that people who've joined more recently were less committed than previous members, acnd that makes the group hard to manage. For this to work effectively, you need to have mostly the same people there each week and I personally like to have at least 7-8 at a meeting (or more).
> 
> What's been normal until recently is that each session of group would contain roughly 3-4 new people and 7-9 people coming back. Therefore, with an average absensce rate of 3 per week, we still get a good group most of the time. But now, I'm only hearing from 3-4 who want to come back and that's the problem. Another problem is that I really feel the group would benefit from a co-leader, but nobody is willing.
> 
> Thanks for the suggestions, though. It's appreciated.


Could you have the new members commit to a certain number of weeks? It seems like this would not work as well therapeutically as a drop in group where people are not accountable to the group. I wonder if you advertised it as x number of weeks or months if you would get less turn over?


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## Michael1973 (May 25, 2005)

marsia said:


> Could you have the new members commit to a certain number of weeks? It seems like this would not work as well therapeutically as a drop in group where people are not accountable to the group. I wonder if you advertised it as x number of weeks or months if you would get less turn over?


Anytime the group has run, it was announced up front roughly how many weeks it would run and that regular attendance was expected. For some reason, it worked very well for a long time, but nowadays people commit initially then only show up whenever. That makes it extra-challenging as the leader, because I never know what to plan for. It also makes the group less effective.

I do appreciate your comments. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this anymore.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Michael1973 said:


> Anytime the group has run, it was announced up front roughly how many weeks it would run and that regular attendance was expected. For some reason, it worked very well for a long time, but nowadays people commit initially then only show up whenever. That makes it extra-challenging as the leader, because I never know what to plan for. It also makes the group less effective.
> 
> I do appreciate your comments. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this anymore.


If I were you I would charge money for the group and get it all up front, then maybe people would come because they already paid for the whole time. I can't think of any other incentives that might help.

That must be so frustrating. Do you think people are changing because they are plugged in to their computers so much? I find it really hard to connect with people, and it's not just my social anxiety. I think it used to be easier to connect with people, because there was less wide-scale escapism into entertainment. People used to just escape into tv when they got home, now they can do it all the time on their smart phones. I feel like the whole society (not just me) has gotten more afraid and insular because there are more and more addictive forms of escape. Do you find this also?


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## Michael1973 (May 25, 2005)

marsia said:


> If I were you I would charge money for the group and get it all up front, then maybe people would come because they already paid for the whole time. I can't think of any other incentives that might help.
> 
> That must be so frustrating. Do you think people are changing because they are plugged in to their computers so much? I find it really hard to connect with people, and it's not just my social anxiety. I think it used to be easier to connect with people, because there was less wide-scale escapism into entertainment. People used to just escape into tv when they got home, now they can do it all the time on their smart phones. I feel like the whole society (not just me) has gotten more afraid and insular because there are more and more addictive forms of escape. Do you find this also?


I hadn't considered that as a reason, but it certainly sounds valid. It's one of the things I dislike so much about today's technology. Growing up, I was constantly berated for being anti-social, which did nothing except make my SA worse. Now, it's perfectly acceptable to stand in a room with another person and completely ignore them...

Regarding my group, though we never charged a fee to join, the entire process was based on a widely available (though somewhat pricey) therapy program, which members were required to have. Although the high price dissuaded a few people from joining, I often felt that this requirement assured that members were serious about our mission.

Another thing that has changed is that recent members haven't really bonded like we did originally. That bond was another reason we were so successful back in the day. I suppose when people aren't emotionally invested in an activity, it doesn't affect them as much when they can't be there. It's hard to say -- I'm just speculating at this point.


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

I know what you mean about that feeling of bonding being missing in most social interaction (or in your case, in your group at the moment). I was just at the vet for an hour and a half, and the people there were so open to bonding, actually maybe a little too much. My cats and I kept meeting dog owners with really friendly dogs who really wanted to get to know my cats. The cats kept getting friendly dog noses in their faces and were pretty freaked out. But the dog owners were so open and nice and really opened up. I find that going to places like dog beaches is such a fun thing because people with dogs learn to be open and happy for the most part from living with dogs who are like that. Either that or more open people like the company of dogs. I think having a dog makes you get out of your house and interact with other dog owners, too, so it's its own free social club.

I day dream about a day when I will know how to make a cafe or social club or some activity club for introverts where people feel like they can hang out and not be judged and be themselves. My husband's friend who is very introverted sometimes comes over and we all play German board games. It's great because they are all beautiful games and each different and interesting in a new way. 

I wonder if people in your group are not interacting as well with the CBT as the group focus as members previously did. I find that people have less attention span and want everything to be easy and entertaining and not require as much work on their part. I think maybe it's a wired thing. I wonder if you interspersed the therapy with interesting books like Brene Brown's really engaging books on vulnerability, fear, and shame if it would help to get people engaging on a more personal level? 

It sounds like the group dynamics are different than before because there are not as many returning members to keep the group norms alive. Does the group break down at around the time that people start to be in conflict (like happens in most group process) or is it that they never bond and feel like a group in the first place? 

I am surprised how on this site, people I have written to are not that interested in going deeper into their social anxiety together. Maybe it is the nature of writing to each other instead of being face to face, but I find that people want to bond on the level of complaining or other interests rather than going deeper into trying to figure out our relationship to anxiety. I joined this site to try to work out my fears with other people, but am ending up feeling rather frustrated that it is so hard to find others to bond with over trying to get better. I often feel like I do in everyday life where people want to bond over the surface things, and I am not very good at that and end up feeling different and a little lonely. There are very supportive people on the site, too, though, so I keep coming back. 

Anyway, those are my rather unorganized thoughts for the day. Hope you are able to find other more rewarding avenues to be with other people in the mean time!


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## tooljunkie (May 31, 2014)

You're very brave for taking that role on Michael1973. Was the group run by a licensed therapist when he/she moved on? I've been to one CBT group but had to drop out due to ia change in insurance. I loved going there and would jump at the chance to attend again. 

Have you tried meetup group to find interested people. I think people may want to join but the nature of social anxiety makes us a bit flaky. It's also what makes it frustrating trying to engage someone with social anxiety. I can admit this cause I'm that way when I get too outside my comfort zone. It's something I'm aware of so I actively try to be better at keeping my commitments or stepping further outside my comfort zone.

If holding a CBT group is your passion keep working towards making it happen and try not to let it affect your selfesteem too much. It's not you why people don't commit, it's their social anxiety.


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