# Missing out on dating



## Gadget (Jun 23, 2006)

Anyone else feel they are missing out on the joys and fun of dating. im 25 and feel that im the age where i should be meeting and seeing girls in the hope of finding the perfect one i.e. what most other guys are doing.

cept with SA im just doing nothing and not only missing out but also affecting my future as the pool of possible partners gets smaller as they pair off. Also im not getting the experience to build a long term relationship.

In my mind it just seems a harder and harder task to do as the yrs slowly go by.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

i hear you. im upset im missing out on all the possible STDs i may have gotten if it wasnt for dating :wife 

i dont know if im missing out on dating. aside from my ex-girlfriend, ive been out with three women and well, it was somewhat nervewracking. i know thats due to SA but i didnt enjoy the actual 'dating' with those three women so im not too bummed out about 'missing out' on dating


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Gadget said:


> Anyone else feel they are missing out on the joys and fun of dating. im 25 and feel that im the age where i should be meeting and seeing girls in the hope of finding the perfect one i.e. what most other guys are doing.
> 
> cept with SA im just doing nothing and not only missing out but also affecting my future as the pool of possible partners gets smaller as they pair off. Also im not getting the experience to build a long term relationship.
> 
> In my mind it just seems a harder and harder task to do as the yrs slowly go by.


I don't think it takes experience to build a long term relationship. It requires certain characteristics in the individuals involved. They include self-control, honesty, ability to love, both people being open, communication (directly tied to openness), flexibility and the ability to compromise. On the otherhand it may bother some potential dates that you have never been in a relationship. But do I think that experience is a necessity for a long-term relationship? No. You could have an individual that has plenty of experience but doesn't possess the characteristics I listed. The individual that has the characteristics I listed is much more likely to be successful in a relationship.

I personally was never into the dating part. I always wished I could just skip this part and go straight to the relationship part because to me the actual relationship part is where you start to form a deeper connection and create experiences and memories together. The dating part is where you get to figure out if the other person likes you or can't stand you :afr :hide Sure you learn more and more about each other the longer the relationship has existed but I'm talking the initial basic getting to know eachother through dating part. SA I think inherently makes most of us want everyone to like us and see us in a positive light (don't want to look stupid) so in turn I'm just that much more sensitive to this part of the process.

But I know what you're saying about your lack of dating can start to make you think, "hey what if I missed the girl that was perfect for me because I didn't ask her out". Not to worry you but every missed oppertunity brings you one step closer to ending up by yourself. I actually thought that I was so late in the game that I was going to end up with a girl that was like 5+ years younger than me (or even more likely all alone) not because I wanted this but because like you said my age range is reaching the point of being locked in for the long haul.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Yes, I also feel this way. I'm 30 and have never dated. I've never even considered it as a realistic possibility until this year when I've been getting longings to go on a date. I have no desire to get married but it would be nice to go out with someone and enjoy each other's company both emotionally and physically.

Today I had to take a trip out to a local neighborhood I have only been to a couple times. The bus route goes right by two of the big three colleges in my city (I went to the other one of the three, not one of these two). I was struck by the youth and energy of the school students and how they seemed so cool and vibrant. I saw them walking together and laughing and hanging out at the local coffee houses. It was depressing because I realized that I missed out on all that when I went to high school and college. I never had any social life and still don't. It was also depressing because I found a lot of the girls attractive and had to realize that they're eight or so years younger than me. I still feel like I'm in my early '20s anyway because I've had so few life experiences. It stinks.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

> I saw them walking together and laughing and hanging out at the local coffee houses. It was depressing because I realized that I missed out on all that when I went to high school and college. I never had any social life and still don't.


Yeah that bothers me too. I necessarily missed out on all of that.

Dating, not so much.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

31, never dated, 'nuff said :sigh
I hope that'll change soon :yes.


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

Wait... you didn't hear?
Young people don't date anymore... they hook up.

I'd like to try dating sometime... but that requires a willing female.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I have no desire to go on casual dates with women. I think it is impossible for me, anyway. Even the idea of going on a date with some woman and having to sit in a restaurant for an hour talking sounds like the ultimate nightmare. I think the only way something like this would work for me is if we were already friends, or at least knew each other fairly well already.

I'd love to be in a relationship, but I can't see myself ever dating any time soon. It pisses me off to think about how much time I've wasted already. I would love to go on "dates" with someone I was comfortable with. Go to a movie, a concert, or go bike riding, or to the beach, or things like that. It would be friggin' awesome to be able to do that. That's probably the biggest thing I miss about not being in a relationship.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

The first few dates are the most fun...usually things go downhill from there, for me anyway.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

I'll be 23 this weekend, and I feel like I have already completely missed the whole "dating stage" of a young person's life by 2-3 years.

That said, I have never had a desire to randomly date random girls. I want to find "the one"...that woman who I will settle down with and spend the rest of my life with and raise a healthy family.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

It seems like some of you want to skip dating altogether and go right into a relationship. It seems like you'd have to date somewhat to find "the one"? She or he isn't just going to land in your lap. Even if you spoke on the phone and/or the internet and became close emotionally, that doesn't guarantee anything. You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...


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## Gadget (Jun 23, 2006)

I agree with Ashley, which is why i really wish I was dating. On the phone/internet/emails is a good first step but the only way to have a proper relationship is to actually be with the person... in person.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

For what it's worth, don't feel discouraged or lose hope.  You can still get to the point where you can date. You just have to put yourself out there, then you can gain some experience. Easier said than done, I know...but it can be done if you try.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...


im just looking for someone who is as messed up as i am. i dont know about having an internet relationship though. long distance relationships are difficult


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> It seems like some of you want to skip dating altogether and go right into a relationship. It seems like you'd have to date somewhat to find "the one"? She or he isn't just going to land in your lap. Even if you spoke on the phone and/or the internet and became close emotionally, that doesn't guarantee anything. You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...


No you didn't miss anything from me  I was simply saying that is the most dreaded part because that's where the impression is made as to whether the person sees you positively or negatively. That's why I wish you could just skip this part.


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## lowwwwwi (Dec 23, 2006)

I can empathize with many of the posts here.
I'm 28 and currently in a 2 year relationship that is going very well.
When I was 25, I was dating a little bit. When I was 22?
I was totally clueless. It was sad. But it is paramount to stay dedicated to
improving yourself. I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 22 and was a virgin until I was 25.

I'm in a good spot right now in my life but I still want to improve.
The progress I've made in 10 years is pretty incredible
and I'm looking forward to improving on it in anyway possible since I'm trying to make up for lost time.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> It seems like some of you want to skip dating altogether and go right into a relationship. It seems like you'd have to date somewhat to find "the one"? She or he isn't just going to land in your lap. Even if you spoke on the phone and/or the internet and became close emotionally, that doesn't guarantee anything. You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...


I simply have never had a desire to date random girls. To me, you're either in a relationship or you're not. The only way I could get to the point of wanting to be in a serious relationship is to become friends with the girl first. We all know now that usually works out.

I guess I just have a problem with "dating". It seems too casual for me.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*

I see your point, but I guess in my mind, dating is inevitable. You'd even have to "date" your friend to see if you hit it off romantically.



Gumaro said:


> Strange Religion said:
> 
> 
> > You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...
> ...


Long distance is a *****. Don't go that route if you can avoid it. 
I'm not trying to say all long distance relationships don't work, but you don't want to put yourself through that unless either one of you plan on relocating or something.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



scairy said:


> Strange Religion said:
> 
> 
> > It seems like some of you want to skip dating altogether and go right into a relationship. It seems like you'd have to date somewhat to find "the one"? She or he isn't just going to land in your lap. Even if you spoke on the phone and/or the internet and became close emotionally, that doesn't guarantee anything. You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...
> ...


Unfortunately, yes. That's the risk you take when dating. 
I haven't had the best of luck with guys, I'm willing to say I have the worst luck with guys, haha But I just try to keep an open-mind and date again when I'm ready. Sometimes a break is needed so I can heal emotionally.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> I see your point, but I guess in my mind, dating is inevitable. You'd even have to "date" your friend to see if you hit it off romantically.


This is why dating is too casual for me. What in a "date" isn't in going out as good friends?

I guess my ideals are just not the way things work in society. **** the social anxiety. Society pisses me off just as much.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

To me, a date would be like trying to be more than friends. Then again, I guess it depends on how you look at it, you know?
Maybe if I thought more along the lines of "Just consider him a friend", instead of considering him as a potential partner, things wouldn't be as stressful for me when I'm going out. The truth is, when you go on a date, people are actually checking you out and seeing if you're relationship material. That's why I hate the fact that I'm still not quite comfortable eating in front of my date. I'm paranoid about that. I know relationships require dining out and who wants a girl who barely eats? I'm getting better at it though.

...and I know what you mean about the way society looks at things. I see certain things differently than society and it seems like you do too. That's ok. Stick to what you believe in if it works for you.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> The truth is, when you go on a date, people are actually checking you out and seeing if you're relationship material.


This is where me and society don't get along well at all. There is too much room for interpretation for what is and is not a date. There isn't enough structure in society's attitude towards relationships for me to understand what "dating" means.

I really think I was meant to be born in the 1940s or 1950s.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Haha a lot of these guys now-a-days are sorry as hell and don't know how to treat a girl right. I almost wish I was from that older generation too so I could find someone decent.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Deleted


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## Woody (Nov 16, 2003)

...


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



lowwwwwi said:


> I can empathize with many of the posts here.
> I'm 28 and currently in a 2 year relationship that is going very well.
> When I was 25, I was dating a little bit. When I was 22?
> I was totally clueless. It was sad. But it is paramount to stay dedicated to
> ...


What did you do when you were 22 that changed your life? How did you get to kissing a girl then?


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Njodis said:


> I think it is impossible for me, anyway. Even the idea of going on a date with some woman and having to sit in a restaurant for an hour talking sounds like the ultimate nightmare.


I would imagine being seated face to face in a restaurant and expected to hold a conversation and impress her is the equivalent to getting up in front of a class to give a speech. Both sound dreadful.

I can envision what my 1st date dinner would be like:

Within the first 2 minutes I'd be called shy and asked if I talk at all. By 5 minutes, she'll be asking me if I have any friends and what I do on weekends, which my answer will be "no" and "nothing." By minute 6, she's going to realize that this date is going nowhere. Another few minutes will pass and both of us will feel extremely uncomfortable because of all the silence. ...The date will end with her telling me that I'm a nice guy but we're not on the same page blah blah blah. And I'll be stuck paying the bill. Game over, I lose.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> I see your point, but I guess in my mind, dating is inevitable. You'd even have to "date" your friend to see if you hit it off romantically.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Long distance is a *****. Don't go that route if you can avoid it. 
I'm not trying to say all long distance relationships don't work, but you don't want to put yourself through that unless either one of you plan on relocating or something.[/quote:22501]

In my case, if I want to find somebody, long distance is pretty much my only option. I only want someone clingy and inexperienced like me, thats near impossible to find locally.


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## Jaded_Jester (Sep 16, 2006)

When I am sad or depressed that I don't have 'anybody' in my life, I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I can't trust them anyways. 

Geez, I wouldn't even know what to do on a date :lol 

Njodis I agree with you, the thought of going to a restaurant for a date is scary! So many things to overanalyze......


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

It's a nightmare. I'm a total 'tard at dinner. I can feel myself analyzing how I eat and every move I make. I even glance at my date to see if he's watching me eat. The last time I went out, the guy said "Stop being a girl and just eat." Klonopin helps because I'm much worse without it, but I still get paranoid when it comes to that. Oh and then there's the conversation aspect of it and trying to think of something to talk about. I hate silence. 

LoneLioness, I'm sorry. If you're doing the long distance thing, I really hope it works out for you.


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

not a bit, dating is utterly boring.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Yeah, I'm missing out. It sucks.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out. But then I remember my (limited) experiences in dating, and then I wonder what I'm truly missing. Even though I had bad experiences, dating for a female is always the same thing:

1. Dress up in uncomfortable clothes

2. Know how to laugh and smile at everything the guy says

3. Know what questions to ask the guy

4. Never talk about yourself

5. Don't eat too much

6. Always, always, always flirt. Flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt. Toss your hair, giggle like a moron, and lean over so he can see your cleavage and your underwear (not at the same time, though, because then you look like a ****. Be a tease, but not a ****).

When I remember it that way, then I'm pretty good at forgetting about it.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> 6. Always, always, always flirt. Flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt. Toss your hair, giggle like a moron, *and lean over so he can see your cleavage and your underwear* (not at the same time, though, because then you look like a ****. Be a tease, but not a ****).


Girls actually make an effort at that? I'm not saying I don't look when the opportunity is there, but I make damn sure I don't get burned for fears the girl will think I'm some sick pervert.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out. But then I remember my (limited) experiences in dating, and then I wonder what I'm truly missing. Even though I had bad experiences, dating for a female is always the same thing:
> 
> 1. Dress up in uncomfortable clothes
> 
> ...


IMO, that's a bad generalization. I don't wear uncomfortable clothes. I usually wear a nice, fitting pair of jeans and a cute top...and I don't do the majority of those ridiculous things mentioned, especially leaning over so he can see my cleavage and underwear. I flirt, just not that way.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> IMO, that's a bad generalization. I don't wear uncomfortable clothes. I usually wear a nice, fitting pair of jeans and a cute top...and I don't do the majority of those ridiculous things mentioned, especially leaning over so he can see my cleavage and underwear. I flirt, just not that way.


It's the best way I know of to sum up how incredibly difficult and stupid it is to have to play the cute girl routine on a date. Hey, it comes easy for you. That's great. But since it comes so easy for you, you can't step back and see how fake it all is. Especially if you aren't the kind of person who likes to play cute. Because playing cute means you can't really be yourself. You have to be nice, you have to be a little bit funny, you have to laugh, you have to smile. But you can't have one intelligent thought come out of your mouth when you're dating a guy, unless you want to scare the poor dear off. :b


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*




PGVan said:


> Girls actually make an effort at that? I'm not saying I don't look when the opportunity is there, but I make damn sure I don't get burned for fears the girl will think I'm some sick pervert.


If a girl's thong is peeking out of her jeans, then she put some thought into making sure that would happen. And she won't bend over in public for just anyone. Even the biggest airhead has enough scruples to know when to wield the sex appeal and when to keep it locked up in the safe. If they claim they didn't know it was going to happen, that's bull. They have to say that. It's all part of the "cute" act. If a girl comes out and admits she knew what she was doing, that gets her labeled as a tease (the worst kind, not the "flirty in a sexy way" kind).

The more I think about it, it's obvious how pathetic the whole act of dating really is among people. Both girls and guys have to be fake if they want to get a date in the first place. Then they have to keep being fake in order to keep the attention of another person they want something serious with. Does the act ever end? I really don't think so, not anymore. Even marriage has to be one continuous act of fakery to be successful. When reality comes crashing in, that's when divorce happens.


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## emptybottle (Jan 3, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out. But then I remember my (limited) experiences in dating, and then I wonder what I'm truly missing. Even though I had bad experiences, dating for a female is always the same thing:
> 
> 1. Dress up in uncomfortable clothes
> 
> ...


LOL! At least there's an upside to not dating. I don't have to do any of that crap.

So if guys generally don't like women talking about themselves, what kinds of stuff _do_ you talk about to keep a guy interested in you? I mean, other than asking him about his interests... I am inexperienced and clueless about these things.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> The more I think about it, it's obvious how pathetic the whole act of dating really is among people. Both girls and guys have to be fake if they want to get a date in the first place. Then they have to keep being fake in order to keep the attention of another person they want something serious with. Does the act ever end? I really don't think so, not anymore. Even marriage has to be one continuous act of fakery to be successful. When reality comes crashing in, that's when divorce happens.


Hahah. I like you.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> [quote="Strange Religion":03e47]IMO, that's a bad generalization. I don't wear uncomfortable clothes. I usually wear a nice, fitting pair of jeans and a cute top...and I don't do the majority of those ridiculous things mentioned, especially leaning over so he can see my cleavage and underwear. I flirt, just not that way.


It's the best way I know of to sum up how incredibly difficult and stupid it is to have to play the cute girl routine on a date. Hey, it comes easy for you. That's great. But since it comes so easy for you, you can't step back and see how fake it all is. Especially if you aren't the kind of person who likes to play cute. Because playing cute means you can't really be yourself. You have to be nice, you have to be a little bit funny, you have to laugh, you have to smile. *But you can't have one intelligent thought come out of your mouth when you're dating a guy, unless you want to scare the poor dear off*. :b[/quote:03e47]

Haha maybe that's what I'm doing wrong, but I refuse to act like some dumb bimbo.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



no_name said:


> :lol Not that I have any experience in all this but I've watched other people and like reading your posts. It's a lot like approaching someone/anyone on first meeting and all that acting is something I can't perform for a long while.


Neither can I. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make underwhelming attempts at being flirty and funny when you hate flirting, and you don't have a real sense of humor (unless you count sarcasm as a sense of humor, which most people don't, and especially not on a date)? When dating literally gives you a headache, then you have to stop doing it.



emptybottle said:


> So if guys generally don't like women talking about themselves, what kinds of stuff _do_ you talk about to keep a guy interested in you? I mean, other than asking him about his interests... I am inexperienced and clueless about these things.


I couldn't tell you, to be honest. There has to be some guys out there that actually don't mind the girl talking about herself (without dominating the conversation, of course, because anyone who does that is rude). But you have to be careful what you talk about, and then you have to mentally keep track of what you're saying, how long you're talking, and what the guy's reaction might be. A lot of girls probably can get away with talking about themselves on the first date. But there's a fair amount who get slapped on the Universal Dating Black List (it's not real, but it would help if there really was one) the moment they open their mouths. Unfortunately, the biggest "flaw" on the first date is intelligence. If a guy asks you, "What do you like to read?"...well, that's a trick question. Same with "So, what kind of movies do you like?" They're testing you, and if you say that you read things they find intimidating, or like movies that aren't traditionally "girlie", you're more likely to fail. *(For example, since I've committed past sins such as reading Kafka, and actually liking Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I'm doomed to be the crazy spinster with twenty cats who lives in that weird house on the cul-de-sac with the dilapidated gargoyles and the designer cobwebs hanging on the porch). *



BeNice said:


> Hahah. I like you.


Dear God, then you really need to seek emergency medical care. :b



Strange Religion said:


> Haha maybe that's what I'm doing wrong, but I refuse to act like some dumb bimbo.


Good. Because you should not have to become something they're not in order to get laid, or to get a husband.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*

*Shado*

Eh? If I'm going out on a date with a gril, it's because I wanna get to know her. The more she talks about her self, and opens up - the better.
I don't need to know every last intimate detail on the first date, but yeah, generally her talking about herself = thumbs up.

Also, I've never "faked" who I am for _anyone_, and I've still had
quite a number of girlfriends. Note that this doesn't mean I tell everyone
what I'm thinking, or how I feel at any given moment, just that I don't
say/do anything that goes against my personal beliefs just to make
a good impression. In fact, I hate talking about myself anyways,
so the less she asks about me, the happier I am.

I'll admit, I've had a few "one-nighters" where the girl was
only into me because of my looks or something stupid like that,
but you know... that made me feel kinda good about myself too.

Today I'm engaged to be married - something you referred to as one continious "faking session". I'd have to disagree again.
If you're gonna marry someone, you better damn well have an open
communication with the person. My fiancee knows me inside out,
and I know her just as well. Loving someone in spite of their unflattering qualities is a vital part of any long-term relationship.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Strange Religion said:


> It seems like some of you want to skip dating altogether and go right into a relationship. It seems like you'd have to date somewhat to find "the one"? She or he isn't just going to land in your lap. Even if you spoke on the phone and/or the internet and became close emotionally, that doesn't guarantee anything. You still have to date and see if you connect in person. Maybe I'm missing something...


I would rather skip the dating stage and find the perfect girl knock on my door. It would be like the Dharma & Greg TV show.

It is too hard to find the right person for me. I have a list of things I'm looking for that about 25% of girls my age would pass. Then she has to like me and still be single. Each day, more and more of these girls get into relationships and get married.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Naitzmic said:


> *Shado*
> 
> Eh? If I'm going out on a date with a gril, it's because I wanna get to know her. The more she talks about her self, and opens up - the better.
> I don't need to know every last intimate detail on the first date, but yeah, generally her talking about herself = thumbs up.
> ...


My heart's almost warmed by your testimonial. Okay, not even close. You're just an exception to the rule. Which means nothing to most of us here.

You, and others of your ilk, will call me jaded and cynical. Well, duh, Sherlock, what an obvious clue ye have there. But my observations come not only from my own experience, but the experiences of others that I have witnessed and read about.

I'll take a crack at a guess here with my old dead brain and say that the reason you had an easier time of it compared to many of us is that you were able to "pass" as a normal person. You have some personality, you have a decent ability to communicate when necessary. And you don't fall into one of those niche groups which makes it almost impossible to get a date. (Like, who actually wants an intelligent woman who isn't girlie? Show of hands. *crickets chirping* Yeah, just like always :mum ).

See, the better you are at passing for a relatively normal person in this society, the more likely you are to not only get a date, but get the right kind of dates. And eventually, you might just luck out and get the right kind of person for a relationship. But you have to be able to fake having a personality. Specifically, the kind of personality everybody wants to be around. See the key words there? "*...personality everybody wants to be around."*

Now, people with SA obviously have one big old glaring problem. The lack of personality people want to be around, of course. Which is why so many of us have had to fake it before if we wanted to get some, and then something more than getting some. You can only keep that act for so long before you either drive yourself into more self-hatred than you already have (yes, it's possible!), or you become so cynical at having to be an actor/actress in an ongoing soap opera with alternating love interests who may or may not be worth the warped plot lines they're dragging you into during the story.

So kid, you got lucky. Pat yourself on the back and thank whatever deities you believe in for that good fortune. But leave it at that.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> So kid, you got lucky. Pat yourself on the back and thank whatever deities you believe in for that good fortune. But leave it at that.


That's just it though. If I got lucky, so can anyone else.
I'm not that freaking special.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Naitzmic said:


> That's just it though. If I got lucky, so can anyone else.
> I'm not that freaking special.


Nope, you're young.

Really, you just don't have enough experience to realize just how truly difficult it is to keep running around out in the dating world and getting nowhere. And it's never about making your own luck unless you have something to offer another person. Really, most of us don't have anything to offer. Some might have looks, others might have some vague semblances of personality, some might have an appealing sense of humor, some might have gobs of cash. But...that leaves the rest of us, who are gifted with absolutely nothing that could be attractive to anyone else, unless we are willing to settle for unstable people who might very well do some kind of harm to us. (That, kids, is truly settling).

Sorry, you're an exception. That's all.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

Heh, yeah I am young. I won't deny that.
You seriously have no base to talk about my experience though,
so I'm not really gonna reply to that, except to say that
I haven't spent my 23 years under a rock. I've lived.

It is your own choice though.
If you have no attractive qualities, then you're not
taking care of your own interests at all.
Because, see, you can do things to increase your "attractiveness"
without "faking" anything at all.

If you're into Lord of the Rings, that's an easy +1 attractiveness to
other LotR fans. If you like working out that's a +1 in the eyes of
any fitness freak. So really you can increase your own attractiveness
just by taking care of your own interests.
There's always _someone_ out there who will
be able to share something with you.

Hating yourself is one thing, but accepting it is another.
If you're fat and hate yourself for it, start working out.
Not because it'll improve the way others feel about you,
but for your own sake.
If you need to improve, then do it.
Don't just sit there and say "I hate myself" and be too lazy to
try and change that fact for the better.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



no_name said:


> Yes but it's pretty difficult when you can't actually a)find decent people b) be able to communicate well with them and able to hold their interest before they go drifting off to someone who will give them what they want.


a) Yeah, that _is_ hard.

b) Those aren't decent people, in my opinion...


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Naitzmic said:


> It is your own choice though.
> If you have no attractive qualities, then you're not
> taking care of your own interests at all.


You really think you're going to come off making it sound so easy...not with me around, kid.

A person can only work on those interests to make them attractive qualities IF they happen to be attractive interests. You listed LOTR as an example of an interest. Now, you do realize how many people don't find that attractive, right? And even among those who do, that doesn't mean they'll find someone. I've been there, done that in the Star Wars community. The problem with a lotta of you male geeks is that you all want the cheerleader porn queen, even when you're a geek. So you don't give the geek girls the time of day, day of the week, second Monday of every two months...



no_name said:


> Yes but it's pretty difficult when you can't actually a)find decent people b) be able to communicate well with them and able to hold their interest before they go drifting off to someone who will give them what they want.


+1 for the obvious truth inherent in this statement.

So don't preach the "feel good" crap to me, okay? Or to anybody else who knows the score. Because if it ain't happening, it ain't happening.


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

Shado is right mostly. If you have an uncommon personality/aura/vibe you're not going to find many people who resonate with it to begin with; no matter how many trivial materialistic interests you have in common.

There are tons of fish in the sea, but only a miniscule percentage of them are my "type". And if they are my 'type' they are already married or located far away in some distant land that I have no access to.

I have dated several times before, and let me tell you: it is all futile when virtually every young woman (within + or - 3 years of my age) in this area either smokes , drinks booze regularly, and goes to parties. In most cases, the dating ended on the first date. There are so many young women who constantly jump from one relationship to another not knowing exactly what kind of person they want. I am completely turned off by that and want a long-lasting relationship.

I go for girls that are on a similar attractiveness level as I am: Not models and not below average; but just slightly above average. Like a 6-7.8 out of 10. No, I don't like cheerleaders or barbie-dolls at all. Nor do I like the goths. I don't like girly girls and goths because they TEND to be annoying and just don't look right to me. I like the ones with uncommon and natural beauty that don't draw a lot of attention. The ones that don't flaunt it but have a quiet and clean dignity that they carry themselves with.

I take care of my body, I work out regulary...etc. So I expect the same from the woman I want to be in a relationship with.

Combine that with the fact that I'm not religious (Atheist) and born into a family whos religion is looked down upon with suspicion and distance from the majority and the media. Let's see if you can guess it? 

ALL of the clubs/groups located in my area are not even congruent with the few and highly uncommon interests I have in the first place, so I would be a total fake to try and join them.

Also, the university that I'm enrolled in is a well-known as a "party" college. I have no other options because I cannot afford moving out of my parents house to a college that I would want to attend. (Like MIT) And I am distinctly the opposite of the "party" type. Not to mention my schizoid tendencies.

To add even more adversity to this situation, even if two people share the same interests, philosophy and outlook on life, there is always the issue of chemistry on many different levels.

For instance, two Star-Wars Loving, LOTR cheering, PC Gaming geeks, who share everything in common doesn't mean that they would want to be in a relationship with each other. Chemistry plays a very big factor, and if that chemistry is not there, no relationship will form.

You have to admit there are more subtle forces at work that determine lasting attractiveness besides exterior looks and common interests. 

If you have the most commonly shared "chemicals"/vibe/personality or whatever you want to call it that attracts two people together, then you will have a greater chance at being in a relationship. It just so happens that people with SA don't have the type of chemistry (the invisible force) that is common in most people without SA.

If you have the right chemistry, and have SA, and luck, then yes, you are an exception in my opinion and be thankful for it. But there is no need to make it sound so easy and rub it in the face of others.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Haha. I saw a girl today that I was kinda attracted to. She was working at the supermarket. Thats a pretty rare event. I'll be attracted to maybe one girl a year if I'm lucky. Maybe one day I'll realize that I have to act on that attraction or I'll have to wait a year for another chance.

Still though, in my defence I haven't been a functional person for very long - I was living under my SA rock for 21 years. Been almost a year now. And I've had one g/f in that time so I'd say I'm doing ok - even though that came about by pure luck.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> You really think you're going to come off making it sound so easy...not with me around, kid.
> 
> A person can only work on those interests to make them attractive qualities IF they happen to be attractive interests. You listed LOTR as an example of an interest. Now, you do realize how many people don't find that attractive, right? And even among those who do, that doesn't mean they'll find someone. I've been there, done that in the Star Wars community. The problem with a lotta of you male geeks is that you all want the cheerleader porn queen, even when you're a geek. So you don't give the geek girls the time of day, day of the week, second Monday of every two months...
> 
> So don't preach the "feel good" crap to me, okay? Or to anybody else who knows the score. Because if it ain't happening, it ain't happening.


The lotr thing was, obviously, just an example.
I'm sure you have some interest that isn't as geeky.
Point was, focusing on your own stuff _will_ increase your
"rating" in one way or another.

I don't consider myself particularly good-looking,
nor very interesting, yet still all my life I've been dating the
"hottest girl in class" or similar. My ex was homecoming queen,
and things like that. Now why do you think that is?

Honestly, I'm not preaching anything at all.
You base your opinions on your experiences,
I speak from my own.
There's no need to hate me just because _you_ have been
extremely unlucky. If anything, I'd say you're the exeption. Not I,
seeing as even the dorkiest of my friends managed to get a girlfriend.

I'm not trying to make anything sound easy.
What I said was that if you feel you need improvement - improve.
Never said it was easy, or even that it would be successful.
Just that unless you _try_ you have no place complaining.

*But* seeing as this has gone completely off-topic,
I'm gonna stop right now. I have no interest in changing your life philosophy. What works for me may not work for you. That's fine.
Point is, your opinion isn't any more valid than mine because of it.

If you really feel the need to keep "arguing" with me,
send me a PM or add me to MSN ([email protected]) or something,
because I now feel that the two of us have completely hijacked this thread with off-topic rants.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> Naitzmic said:
> 
> 
> > It is your own choice though.
> ...


Bull. I'm what could be described as a 'geek' but I've never, ever found the cheerleader porn type interesting or attractive. In fact, there have been a few females here who've posted their pics which show them to be traditionally attractive, and naturally get the appropriate accolades, while I'm sitting here going, "boring." I won't name names. I'm more interested in the quirky looks and personalities. I like girls who are shy and nerdy and mousy. Of course, that type doesn't seem to like me either, so I guess it doesn't really matter....


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Naitzmic said:


> If anything, I'd say you're the exeption. Not I,
> seeing as even the dorkiest of my friends managed to get a girlfriend.


Fine, then I'm an exception because I'm the lesser sex? How lovely.

I won't waste my time battling with you. But you haven't won, either. It's called a draw.



Zephyr said:


> Bull. I'm what could be described as a 'geek' but I've never, ever found the cheerleader porn type interesting or attractive.


That just goes down as an exception. Which proves nothing.

It's been fun, but this argument is getting old. So to make everyone happy, I'll just say ugly girls like myself can never get a date, or a decent date. There, that's what you all wanted to hear, right? Good.

That doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with the male criteria of attractiveness, though. And that doesn't mean ugly girls have to be happy to accept their status in society, either.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Meeting someone has become even more of a foreign concept to me. I realize that my potential is much less than other guys my age, but it really doesn't depress me terribly these days. It's just my life circumstances at the moment. I've heard everything from everyone about how to meet girls, etc. I find it incredibly annoying. The truth has been spelt out to me in everyday life. People can sense your social ineptitude. They don't ask me about girlfriends, if I've met anyone, if I'm interested in someone, hooking me up, etc. People have told me "maybe they just thought you weren't interested". Nonsense. I'm not the brightest, but I'm in touch with what's going on around me. There are some things you can just tell.


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## Naitzmic (Apr 11, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Maseur Shado said:


> Fine, then I'm an exception because I'm the lesser sex? How lovely.


I never said you were the lesser sex.
Point was, even ugly geeks manage to find someone eventually,
provided they even make an effort to do so.



Maseur Shado said:


> I won't waste my time battling with you. But you haven't won, either. It's called a draw.


"Battling"? "Won"?
I'm not out to "win" anything.
This was an exchange of opinions, at least on my part.
Everything isn't meant as an attack, honey.



Maseur Shado said:


> Zephyr said:
> 
> 
> > Bull. I'm what could be described as a 'geek' but I've never, ever found the cheerleader porn type interesting or attractive.
> ...


Well, it does prove that not everyone are superficial assholes,
now doesn't it? There are plenty of decent people out there.
It's just a matter of finding them.



Maseur Shado said:


> It's been fun, but this argument is getting old. So to make everyone happy, I'll just say ugly girls like myself can never get a date, or a decent date. There, that's what you all wanted to hear, right? Good.


Get a date - sure they/you can.
Decent date? That kinda depends how high your own
standards are, I guess...



Maseur Shado said:


> That doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with the male criteria of attractiveness, though. And that doesn't mean ugly girls have to be happy to accept their status in society, either.


This is true.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Perhaps it's because I'm 30 and am getting to the point where I'm looking back at my life and all the missed opportunities and wasted years I've had, but I've been overwhelmed lately by thoughts of dating someone and how fun it would be. What's funny is that throughout my twenties I never really considered this in any realistic manner. But now that I'm in my thirties it's hitting me that I'd like to be in a casual dating relationship. I'd love right now to register on a dating site but I feel I have a lot of work to do on myself first before I could ever be with someone else. So it's frustrating knowing that I'd like to meet someone but realizing that I'm not ready.

But I'm particularly ready for a physical relationship, having never had that ever. I've literally been longing for that lately, so much so that I've even considered finding someone online who is just looking for sex, a sex hook-up, just so I can get this monkey off my back. But I know that that wouldn't be right. I want my first time to be with someone special and for it to be a wonderful moment of sharing between us. But if it ever happens it'll be so far off that it's been really frustrating me lately. I feel like people all around are having this wonderful experience of sex and I'm completely missing out on it, almost as if I'm not a member of "the club". Anyone else feel the same way?


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## Qolselanu (Feb 15, 2006)

Gadget said:


> Anyone else feel they are missing out on the joys and fun of dating. im 25 and feel that im the age where i should be meeting and seeing girls in the hope of finding the perfect one i.e. what most other guys are doing.
> 
> cept with SA im just doing nothing and not only missing out but also affecting my future as the pool of possible partners gets smaller as they pair off. Also im not getting the experience to build a long term relationship.
> 
> In my mind it just seems a harder and harder task to do as the yrs slowly go by.


Same here, except I'm 19. There's no way I'll give up though. Never.


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## deist78 (Nov 12, 2003)

dating can be great. but you also have to prepared to handle the emotional pitalls of a relationship. for example you have to be prepared to get dumped. i got dumped over a month and i am still devestated to the point i contemplated suicide. so you have to make sure that you are in proper mental condition before you think about dating.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Naitzmic said:


> *Shado*
> 
> Eh? If I'm going out on a date with a gril, it's because I wanna get to know her. The more she talks about her self, and opens up - the better.
> I don't need to know every last intimate detail on the first date, but yeah, generally her talking about herself = thumbs up.
> ...


Luv your post.


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



Zephyr said:


> Maseur Shado said:
> 
> 
> > The problem with a lotta of you male geeks is that *you all want the cheerleader porn queen, even when you're a geek. So you don't give the geek girls the time of day, day of the week, second Monday of every two months...*
> ...


Yah I'm not sure either that geeky males are like that. On the contrary I feel overwhelming competition when considering any geeky girls I might have interest in! "they're all taken" sorta thing.



BCdude said:


> Not to resurrect a dead post or anything, but am I the only guy here who is NOT looking for a serious relationship?
> 
> [...]
> 
> I have read through all the posts here, and it seems like most of the guys and some of the girls want to skip the whole dating process and just find 'the one' If you are one of those aforementioned people, then be prepared to look for a long time.


I'm confused as you started by asking about serious relationships, and ended talking about something completely different. There is nothing inherent about serious relationships and pickyness. It's just as likely for a person to be overly picky when they want to date a lot. If not moreso, because those situations tend to focus more on surface traits that get overshadowed when considering the long term.


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*

double post


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



BCdude said:


> And if it leads to a committed relationship (i.e. marriage), fantastic!


I can't wait to meet the man of my dreams <3 But I still have a few more years to wait, oh well. That's all.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*

I realize this is an old thread, but I just read through it and if it counts for anything I second everything that Maseur Shado wrote, especially:



Maseur Shado said:


> It's been fun, but this argument is getting old. So to make everyone happy, I'll just say ugly girls like myself can never get a date, or a decent date. There, that's what you all wanted to hear, right? Good.
> 
> That doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with the male criteria of attractiveness, though. And that doesn't mean ugly girls have to be happy to accept their status in society, either.


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## nothing_to_say (Nov 21, 2006)

But what's a "decent" date ? :stu


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

oh, sorry. I don't know. For me it's just can't get a date. At all.


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## nothing_to_say (Nov 21, 2006)

Same here :sigh


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



nothing_to_say said:


> But what's a "decent" date ? :stu


someone who treats you decently...or looks decent.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

*Re: re: Missing out on dating*



BCdude said:


> Not to resurrect a dead post or anything, but am I the only guy here who is NOT looking for a serious relationship?
> 
> Me, I just want to put myself in situations where I am around women I am attracted to, and to see if they are attracted to me. This means I just want to date, and if a date leads to a hook up great! If it leads to a relationship, awesome! And if it leads to a committed relationship (i.e. marriage), fantastic!


I really don't know what a "relationship" is. What is the difference between a relationship and dating? Is it that you're exclusive to each other and aren't "dating around"? If that's so then that's what I want. I don't want to go out and find some girl just to hook up with and then go date someone else or have her dating someone else at the same time. I want to find someone with whom to be exclusive for at least a little while. BUT (and this is a big but) I never, ever want to move in, get married or have kids and this is something that scares me about the prospect of being in a relationship, that eventually the girl will start wanting a long-term commitment. But really, I'm getting ahead of myself when I've never even been on a date.

Right now I'm certain that I want to try and date as soon as my life situation (job and other stuff) allows it. I'm 31 and I've been having a lot of regret lately about letting this area of my life slip by. I'm finally realizing that I don't have to be lonely and so completely disconnected from others. I want to find a woman with whom I can completely be open and have no reservations. Recently I've been craving that kind of emotional and physical connection so much it's been difficult to concentrate on things I should be doing such as searching for a better job. Call me Frustrated.


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## Fireflylight (Sep 2, 2004)

I wish I had boyfriend all the time. I agree w/ Gumaro tho, that dating can be stressful. But if I met the right guy...


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## Retreat (Jun 20, 2007)

ddd


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