# How do guys with SA get gf's?



## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

Hello,

If you are a guy with SA who has or has had a girlfriend, can you please open my mind as to how you went about dating?

Because right now I can only think of the following scenarios:
a.) your SA is low enough that you are regularly in social situations with friends and strangers, and you can hit it off with a girl and ask her out
b.) sometimes you have severe SA and other times you don't, and you found her when you had low SA and asked her out
c.) With some people / situations you have no SA, you two met and talked with no inhibitions and then being so comfortable, you asked her out
d.) you're really hot and girls are naturally drawn toward you, and they're the ones who are nervous when you're around
e.) You have low to low-moderate SA and you found a girl who had moderate to hi-moderate SA who clearly liked you and you felt less intimidated in asking her out so you asked her out.
f.) You won the equivalent of the lottery jackpot: Although being shy and passive, found a woman you liked who also liked you and she was the one who asked you out.

So please tell me whether your case falls into one of the above categories, if not, please enlighten me and make me more open-minded.


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## Qolselanu (Feb 15, 2006)

I don't actually have a gf but I do feel more confident around girls. Especially, as of recently, heh.

But the source of my confidence goes back around a year ago. And the experience was quite traumatizing, yet un-traumatizing.

Read my story "I struck back with anger" for details here: http://www.socialanxietynewsletter.com/news-02.html

Edit: I am quite serious when I say a gunshot would have made me feel better at that moment. The fear I felt for a few seconds whent I asked that girl to prom was beyond legendary.

Maybe that wasn't helpful actually. Yeah I have no advice besides trying a benzo.


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

No, my SA is pretty bad, in pretty much all situations, especially when it comes to girls. Girls aren't "naturally drawn towards me" but people do say I'm good-looking. Still, what's the point if you don't always feel it? I went through 19 years of never having anyone, regardless of how I look. What changed for me kind of what Qolselanu described. I was tired of listening to what my anxiety said and decided to take another route. But this only happened b/c I realized through no fewer than 20 painful screw ups w/girls that the pain I experienced by listening to my anxiety was so bad and maybe, just maybe, by not listening to it, even if I did get rejected (straight up...or down the road), it wouldn't be half as bad as obsessing over what could've been. And that's where I am, 1st relationship under my belt and first painful break up under by belt. It's still way less painful than what would've happened if I listened to my anxiety. I'd have nothing to show for it. And I wouldn't be the better person that I am today. Maybe read my novel (aka thread). It goes through most of the things I delt with despite having SA.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

my gf has SA and even then it was hard.


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## cat burglar (Sep 2, 2006)

I've had girls in the past come up to me and introduce themselves and give me their number, but usually they weren't my type so I didn't do anything.

A few months ago I met up with the kind soul who runs SAS Secret Santa and we hit it off. :love in the past I had two none-SA girlfriends, one of which made the first move. With the other one, I took a huge risk (my SA was pretty bad at the time) and introduced myself to her the very first time I saw her -- we chatted and she thought I was sweet.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I can't offer any advice on how to get a girlfriend. I've considered this many, many times as I've never had a girlfriend, never dated and I'm 31. I've come to the conclusion that it's going to be almost impossible for me to get a girlfriend. I don't know if I should even try because it will almost definitely lead to sadness. I'm just too separated and isolated from the world at large. I feel the only girl I could possibly date would be a girl who is somewhat in the same boat as me. That way we could understand each other and be totally messed up together. But that's a pretty narrow pool of people and finding someone to whom you're attracted narrows the pool even more.

If I had any sense I would probably just ignore the idea of dating permanently and focus on other stuff, like a priest. I'll probably end up doing that but I would like to try dating at least once just to say I've done it. I never want to get married or have kids so it's not a question of trying to find a long-term partner. I'm just glad I have a low libido because if I had a high libido with this permanent wall around myself I'd be in even worse shape than I am.


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## opium43 (Mar 23, 2006)

i'm not currently in a relationship, but of all the dates and relationships i've had, it's been the girls who've asked me out. my sa is too severe to just roll up on some random girl and ask her out. heck, even if i think i'm getting signals from a girl, my sa is still too severe to make a move. plus the whole rejection thing would really mortify me :afr .


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Heres how it went with me: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... 54807.html


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

i met my ex gf on this forum. ive dated a few times since but theyve all been women that i 'met' in online chatrooms. we would talk first for awhile before actually meeting up. i think that a decreased in my SA helped though


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## cat burglar (Sep 2, 2006)

*Re: re: How do guys with SA get gf's?*



IcedOver said:


> If I had any sense I would probably just ignore the idea of dating permanently and focus on other stuff, *like a priest*.


such as...? molesting children? :con


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

andy1984 said:


> Heres how it went with me: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... 54807.html


Wow you're one positive guy. Thanks for sharing the experience and you got crazy self control, lol. I'd be afraid to have a girl under the sheets with me. I don't think I could help getting ridiculously turned on.

In the end I think your outlook maybe the best for us sa people. You're trying life, creating memorable events to look back on and smile at while others of us are stuck sitting in fear or sadness.

Oh and my experience was more like "E". I had moderate or more like severe sa. she had sa not as bad as mine. Though I guess realistically it was more of a friendly conversing than gf/bf type deal that wishful thinking wanted to become more but realistically couldn't.


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

I wish I knew.


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## striper (Jun 15, 2007)

For me getting a girlfriend is usually when I'm feeling good about myself and not experiencing episodes of SA. That is when I'm working steady, drinking less, getting outdoors and keeping busy. Then I will run into a girl or meet online and set up a coffee date. I usually stumble through the first two encounters or dates, then I reach a point where I feel comfortable around her. If she likes me, poof, I have a new girl. Looking at myself objectively, I guess I am a pretty good catch, but self esteem issues and shyness keep me from reaching my potential. I never keep girlfriends for long though. I just can't seem to meet the right one. Maybe I purposely avoid meeting the potentially right ones because of fear and self loathing. My self confidence needs major work. I'm too self effacing. But, like I said, I do have my infrequent good days. I don't know if you can relate to that or if it helps.


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## SilentProphet (Jun 1, 2007)

*Re: re: How do guys with SA get gf's?*



Gumaro said:


> i met my ex gf on this forum. ive dated a few times since but theyve all been women that i 'met' in online chatrooms. we would talk first for awhile before actually meeting up. i think that a decreased in my SA helped though


Thats how i met the girl who pretty much made me " emotionally dead" Talked to her for 2 years and she was always the one who was , "we need to meet up, i love you" I never pushed anything, she was the one who wanted to take things further, then again she was "normal", but she knew i had anxiety stuff but i was willing to make any sacrifice to see her. She ended up getting back together with her husband during a split up( husband she was going to divorce) and then everything was fine and dandy for her  so she slowly started just getting me out of her life. When things were bad tho and she felt "LONELY" boo-hoo who got a call? But then the guy cleaned up his act and i got left in the gutter  Gotta love selfish women :lol


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## Qolselanu (Feb 15, 2006)

I think I need my own catagory, heh. What I tend to do, (not that I actually know what I'm doing of course) is to put myself through extremely traumatizing situations where I find myself pushing myself as far as my mind and body can take.

I'm not sure how to explain it further. Well for one I got over the fear of asking girls out by my story that I linked above by meeting that fear head on, even if I knew I was doomed to get a "no." (She had a bf at the time.)The unbelievable terror I felt when I asked that girl to prom let me know that _I can do it, I can ask girls out. _ Yeah that's only a part of finding a girl, but the fear I felt then let me know that if THAT can't knock me down then there is no way in hell that anything else can. The confidence I got from that is very valuable.

Something else happened to me just recently that really taught me to get over the fear of just being around a girl I like and trying to get her to notice me. I found out that the chemicals that cause nervousness and excitment are actually the same, but the factor that decides whether you are nervous or excited is a person's perception of the situation. All I knew of being around a girl I like is nervousness because I want them to eventually know that I like her, and like an idiot with the girl I asked to prom, I wasted no time in confronting that nervousness, even if it wasn't the best way to court a girl. So i basically let this girl know how I felt about her before we had talked much. (Not that very savvy I know. Remember I don't know what the hell I'm doing!) It didn't go well for me. Tears were shed, etc; it was bad. Thing is this girl and I spent the rest of the day together at a music show. So, I had some time to reflect about what I did earlier. I was thinking, "Yeah great going moron, letting her know how you felt before you talked with her much. Look how much pain you're in for being stupid." But after that I didn't feel that nervous about getting to know her. I felt the opposite. I felt excited about talking with her. I did my very best to keep a conversation flowing cause that's what you gotta do. I was able to do that because I wasn't _that_ nervous about being around a girl I like. I guess I can learn lessons well after a traumatic experience. What happened was we talked for hours. Sure there were some silences, but that's probably a given as we are both quiet. But I thought we had a good talk. We even had a few good laughs. I really liked it.

So yeah that's my style. I can learn a lot in one day, but I have to traumatize myself to do it haha. I guess I put myself through so much stress at once that I hard-wire a lesson into myself so I do not make the same mistake again - cause why I want to go through that much trauma again over the same thing?

So yep. I don't know if that made complete sense. I could flesh it out I suppose. But that's generally what I do to learn how to court girls or even learn about life in general: Traumatize myself so that I do not make the same mistake again. And then make whole new mistakes. Also, there is a side effect of confidence. At the end of the day I'm glad because I put myself through something so traumatizing that I know the next thing that happens can't incapacitate me.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

My tactic is to become a fidgety weirdo and blush uncontrollably when interacting with females. It doesn't really seem to be working, though.


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## Qolselanu (Feb 15, 2006)

Njodis said:


> My tactic is to become a fidgety weirdo and blush uncontrollably when interacting with females. It doesn't really seem to be working, though.


I used to do that too, but then I got angry at myself so I pushed myself.


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## LonelyEnigma (Jan 7, 2007)

....


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

I still don't get it.

Could SA guys who have had girlfriends please tell me how you developed the relationship?

Because I think there are several steps you need to pass, and my anxiety makes me screw up the first one sometimes, and the second one all the time, so I don't see how I can get a gf right now:

1.) Introducing yourself and First impressions
2.) Getting to know each other's personality and interests, Getting more comfortable with each other
3.) She likes you and you like her
4.) You ask her out
5.) You find a place for a date, dress appropriately, act appropriately and not awkward
6.) You drive her home, close the date (hopefully with a non-awkward kiss?)
7.) You wait a bit to call her, and she says that she wants to see you again

How did you get through all of those steps? I have trouble with steps 1 and 2, and would like to know how to do them smoothly and advance to the next steps.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I can't offer you any advice about steps 1 and 2 because I've never been on a date but I will amend your step 7. I happened to catch an episode of "Beauty and the Geek" in which they were doing a quiz of dating know-how. They said that the best time to arrange for a second date is during the first date (but only if the date is going well, of course). That way you avoid the awkward business of having to call and ask if the date went well and whether she wants to go out with you again. And for us with confidence problems, locking in a second date before the first one is over will stop us from agonizing in the interim over whether she likes us.


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## AJFA88 (Jun 16, 2007)

I had a girlfriend two years ago. bah, high school stuff. But anyways, she was the quiet type and she wasnt that hot, but for some reason her personality really got into me. I worked with her at a supermarket as cashiers. so i had the time to talk. Later on i told her that i liked her. from then on we started to get to know eachother. Then we went out on dates and what not. Eventually my anxiety grew bigger because of some family problems. I changed quite alot. Became very insecure=jelious. afterwards she said she only wanted to be friends, and it just got my anxiety worse. It was funny...yet sad. Sad but true.

I guess have you to be on guard. Daily places such as Work, school, and other places. look around. What i usually did was look around, make eyecontact with a girl. if we share eye contact for some days/weeks. I would eventually go and make some introduction. ask the time...make a silly question and from then on make a simple conversation. afterwards when you see her again greet her. if she wonders why you are shy, tell her that you are usually like that with people you dont know well, and that is if she isnt shy herself. 

my advice is...if you get to this point, dont rush things up. dont go to neverland wondering if she likes you. if she thought you were ugly, etc, etc. force yourself to think as "just a friendship," but doing casual flirting and showing interest little by little. When you get comfortable, give her some facts about yourself, the interesting ones, not the bad ones! but dont over do it to the point where you sound like an arrogant *******. if you think of a joke or something to make the conversation more fun, then say it, dont hold back. or else you'll regret it later on.

later on ask her to go some place. i dont mean a one on one dinner in a restaurant. but something rather simple. tell her, "hey you want to go to the mall and buy this blah blah i need," or "i have to go to some place" and make a detour on the park and take along walk. if you feel more secure, invite her to watch a movie. If she does show more interrest on you, then tell her how you feel. Get to know a little bit more and go on dates. If you match you'll eventually hook up.

If you want to make a good impression, then i guess my advice is kind of good. but im no date expert. you'll never know though, you can meet someone in a whole different way, and that person might be the one who is trying to impress you and thinking about what to do to get your full attention. so look around


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

*Re: re: How do guys with SA get gf's?*



vincebs said:


> I still don't get it.
> 
> Could SA guys who have had girlfriends please tell me how you developed the relationship?
> 
> ...


Hmmm, I don't know what to say. Maybe it's just one of those things where you have to do it yourself to believe it. Our thoughts are so irrational b/c of our anxiety. I already have my negative thoughts saying that yeah I lucked out once but there's no way I can repeat it. A part of me wants to submit and believe it. But then again, I was even more sure this time last year that I was hopeless and that there's no way I could ever open up to a girl. And then, not without a lot of soul-searching, stress, fear and 1000 other emotions, I did. And something tells me I will again.

Trust me, all those things, I thought I could never do them either. Why? Simply, because I never did. Feelings don't change until our behaviors do. I mean there was this girl who clearly liked me last year, at a dance when my back was toward her, she kept tapping me, wanting me to take a look at her costume, I later found out. Never turned around. She literally almost slapped me across the back and it was like I was frozen in a cube of ice. I did nothing. One of many stories...Just stay determined. If you want something badly enough, you'd be surprised how much pain you'll endure to get it.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Aggressive girls who initiated conversation with me and made all the first moves. Also dropping obvious hints that even a social retard like me could get...eventually.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

It's not just that I have low self-esteem, but I just don't see how any woman, 98% of whom only want confident guys, would like someone awkward like me. Maybe you guys who had girls get interested in you are very hot. Maybe I'm being close-minded, but I don't see how most women could be attracted to a guy with low confidence who doesn't have a dominant leadership streak to him, no matter how smart and witty he happens to be. It seems that I can only identify negative signals, like her looking at her watch or looking around and not talking to me, but I would never know if a woman is interested in me because I ignore slight positive cues and treat other positive cues as her being nice and courteous.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

Prodigal Son said:


> Aggressive girls who initiated conversation with me and made all the first moves. Also dropping obvious hints that even a social retard like me could get...eventually.


A lot of guys don't get girls initiating anything, or dropping hints. So that doesn't really work. I think vince is wondering what you do in that case.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

vincebs said:


> It's not just that I have low self-esteem, but I just don't see how any woman, 98% of whom only want confident guys, would like someone awkward like me.


I know exactly what you mean and feel the same about myself. However, some women are attracted to guys who are shy and quiet and have an "innocent" vibe. I think they find a shy guy who is considerate and kind to be kind of sweet and much different from the rowdy party guys whom they usually encounter.

To look at the opposite side of the coin, the prevailing assumption is that most guys like easy party girls. But for me a thoughtful, more reserved girl is much more attractive.

So I would lower your percentage of girls who like super-confident guys from 98% to something like 65%. We just have to find those girls.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

I've never seen a woman in real life attracted to shy, innocent guys. I mean, I've heard of them on the Internet like on forums, but I have yet to see the real thing. Where are they found? I've talked to shy girls and they want confident guys, and I've talked to confident girls and they want even more confident guys. And it's not like I hang out at bars and clubs much, mostly on college campus and sometimes at online group meet ups.

You're saying that 35% of women don't mind unconfident guys? What city and neighborhood do you live in?



IcedOver said:


> vincebs said:
> 
> 
> > It's not just that I have low self-esteem, but I just don't see how any woman, 98% of whom only want confident guys, would like someone awkward like me.
> ...


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

*Re: re: How do guys with SA get gf's?*

Could SA guys who have had relationships tell me how each of the seven steps below went for them?

How anxious were you? Or did everything just flow as you let the chemistry take over?



vicente said:


> I still don't get it.
> 
> Could SA guys who have had girlfriends please tell me how you developed the relationship?
> 
> ...


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## GaSS PaNiCC (Mar 27, 2007)

well ill be going to england next week pursuing this one thing, ill let you guys know my progress, and how i will develop my relationship with details, wish me luck. Im giving myself a chance no matter what, i deserve this more then anyone, and so do all of you. Gl


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

*Re: re: How do guys with SA get gf's?*



IcedOver said:


> I can't offer any advice on how to get a girlfriend. I've considered this many, many times as I've never had a girlfriend, never dated and I'm 31. I've come to the conclusion that it's going to be almost impossible for me to get a girlfriend. I don't know if I should even try because it will almost definitely lead to sadness. I'm just too separated and isolated from the world at large. I feel the only girl I could possibly date would be a girl who is somewhat in the same boat as me. That way we could understand each other and be totally messed up together. But that's a pretty narrow pool of people and finding someone to whom you're attracted narrows the pool even more.
> 
> If I had any sense I would probably just ignore the idea of dating permanently and focus on other stuff, like a priest. I'll probably end up doing that but I would like to try dating at least once just to say I've done it. I never want to get married or have kids so it's not a question of trying to find a long-term partner. I'm just glad I have a low libido because if I had a high libido with this permanent wall around myself I'd be in even worse shape than I am.


i know how you feel


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