# Losing it



## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Let's see. Where do I start? I'm a 24/m that has never had a gf. I've never even had a girl that was a friend. 

This really didn't start bothering me until about 5 months ago. It was actually right around my birthday,so I think that might have something to do with it. Around this same time, I started getting muscle twitches all over my body. I went to the doctor to see if anything physical was wrong with me, but everything checked out. During the next couple months, my anxiety became worse, and I started losing my temper a lot. I basically broke almost everything in my apartment: tv,surround sound system,DVD player,computer. I also put about 10 holes in my walls. (It's been a few months now, yet my apartment still looks the same.) 

Around November, I finally broke down and went to see the college counselor. I'm still seeing her once a week now, but things just haven't changed at all. This thing is driving me crazy. It's all I think about 24/7. It pisses me off to see all these other guys with their girlfriends, yet I'm sitting home alone in my apartment with no female companionship at all. I just feel like it's never going to change. I know I can't say that for a fact, but it just seems that way. I see no indication that things are going to get better. 

My couselor tells me to get a part-time job, but I don't think that's going to help my situation. I've had jobs before and didn't meet any girls. I feel that even if I go to some social gathering nothing's going to happen because I don't approach girls. Girls sure don't approach me, either. It's not that I'm ugly. I get looks from girls a lot when I'm out and about, but that doesn't really get you anywhere. I'd rather be the guy that's actually with a girl than the guy she just checks out from across the room. He's getting a lot more out of it. It just pisses me off so much that other guys are living it up, but I'm miserable every minute of the day. The thing that really makes it bad is that this affects my ability to have some kind of sexual relationship. I know that's not the only thing in a relationship, but it sure is a big part of it. I get these images in my head of couples engaged in sex, and it just sets me off. Why do I have to suffer while other guys have these experiences? 

I had an angry outburst about 2 hours ago. I broke the only thing left in my apartment: the stereo. I just bought it a few weeks ago when I was feeling better. Now I'm right back where I started. 

Forgive me if this post seems disorganized. Logical structure is the least of my worries right now.


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

:hug 

Have you tried personals? I know it sounds like a corny way to meet people, but honestly it a lot less scarier when you get to know someone through IM first/ phone later, then meet. And I'm not saying right away, just take your time getting to know that person, it can take weeks, even months, send pictures each other, youre bound to come across someone interesting. And keep in mind that most guys need to email girls to get some response, not the other way around. From personal experience I liked getting longer , more meaningful messages from guys, not something like " hey, sup? you look good, gimme a call (***) ***-**** , cya " - that wont get you anywhere. 
Girls like guys who are down to earth, honest and show interest in them. 

Some websites I looked at:
Match.com
okcupid.com
yahoo personals
nolongerlonely.com
place4friends.com

Theres probably more. 

Good luck


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

KnglerXT,

The job your counselor suggested is to take your mind off of thinking about relationships and make money at the same time. The thing is that we have to start relating to people correctly before we jump into more intimate relationships. We have to learn how to become a friend first.

I know it's frustrating; I am in the same situation as you and I'm 30! I don't have the violence part, but I do get angry when I see people my age and younger married with children. I just remember that all that is stuff I don't have to deal with right now. We can't see the problems that a lot of couples have, so it is just a waste of thought.


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## schooley (Mar 25, 2005)

http://www.sosuave.com


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

schooley said:


> www.sosuave.com


 :teeth This is so stupid that it has to work. I'd have to be loaded on valium before I tried it though.

Well girls, do you think the hershey kisses approach would work?


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

schooley said:


> www.sosuave.com


 Yeah. I've looked at that site before. There's some good information on it, but it doesn't seem to be geared toward people with SA, though. I can't work up enough courage to do some of those things. The information is worthless without the ability to act on it.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

millenniumman75 said:


> KnglerXT,
> I don't have the violence part, but I do get angry when I see people my age and younger married with children. I just remember that all that is stuff I don't have to deal with right now. We can't see the problems that a lot of couples have, so it is just a waste of thought.


 I don't look at it like that. I want to deal with that stuff. Yeah, no relationship is perfect, but at least they're in a relationship. They have access to experiences that I don't. They have companionship and I don't. I'm not interested in getting married anytime soon. I just want to date.

This reminds me of that famous phrase: It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Equisgurl said:


> :hug
> 
> Have you tried personals? I know it sounds like a corny way to meet people, but honestly it a lot less scarier when you get to know someone through IM first/ phone later, then meet. And I'm not saying right away, just take your time getting to know that person, it can take weeks, even months, send pictures each other, youre bound to come across someone interesting. And keep in mind that most guys need to email girls to get some response, not the other way around. From personal experience I liked getting longer , more meaningful messages from guys, not something like " hey, sup? you look good, gimme a call (***) ***-**** , cya " - that wont get you anywhere.
> Girls like guys who are down to earth, honest and show interest in them.
> ...


 Yeah. I've looked at those personals, but there aren't really that many girls in my area that have profiles. Of the ones that do, most are not my type. The few that I was interested in meeting never replied to any of my e-mails. You would think that someone who goes through the trouble of putting up a profile on one of those sites would actually take the time to respond to messages.


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## Karla (Dec 26, 2005)

schooley said:


> www.sosuave.com


it makes it seem like it's all part of a game doesn't it? THe guy has some strategy to win the girl and when he does, he sleeps with her and then he just leaves her. I can't speak for the other ladies here, but i can't stand guys like that. I rather have someone who's honest and i can have a real conversation with then some smooth talker who only wants to sleep with you.


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## Maseur Shado (Jun 7, 2005)

wituckius said:


> schooley said:
> 
> 
> > www.sosuave.com
> ...


This approach would only work on women who like the meet-cutes...for m'self, I'd take the chocolate kisses, then turn around and walk away. :lol


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

Well, I don't know why you feel like that all of a sudden. Nothing's changed, you know. Girls aren't necessary to eat, sleep, breathe and live your life.


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## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

knglerxt said:


> Equisgurl said:
> 
> 
> > :hug
> ...


My roommate has been in a relationship for 5 months with a guy ... and they are extremely happy together. They met on Match.com. BUT.. here's the thing.. she didn't pick his profile. Her friend found him and picked him for her. She said she didn't see him as her "type" but went out with him on her friends' prompting... and now she's glad she did. Sometimes we don't do ourselves justice by thinking we know our own "type".


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## schooley (Mar 25, 2005)

Karla said:


> schooley said:
> 
> 
> > www.sosuave.com
> ...


Every girl says this. Every ****in one. And ya know what, when you've been rejected so many times so painfully, so bitterly, ya stop buying into it. I've tried being nice. I was the epitome of nice. I was described as a puppy dog. Girls said they wish they're boyfriend was like me. But when I'd try to make that happen, they'd cringe and shudder if not flat out laugh. So obviously, "nice" and "honest" isn't the answer.

so suave doesn't teach you to be a "smooth talker", although you can use the material to become that. So suave teachers you self improvement. It teaches guys how to fix a section of their life, overcome their social fears, and have a good time with girls. Most of the people who post their aren't looking to exploit women for sex, they're looking to become the man that attracts women for companionship, fun, and long term relationships. The idea is that you must be able to date several women before you find that special one. Also, if you can't improve yourself, than you don't deserve that woman.

knglerxt, I agree that not everything on so suave is good material. But for the most part, I think their is a lot it can teach saers. For instance, it promotes self respect, taking responsibility for one's life, and even lays out plans for how to overcome social fears. Go onto the discussion board, and read some of pook's articles like "perfect is boring" and "15 lessons". Their is a lot SAers can draw from this.

I mean their comes a point where you have to stop using SAD as an excuse to not take chances.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Zephyr said:


> Well, I don't know why you feel like that all of a sudden. Nothing's changed, you know. Girls aren't necessary to eat, sleep, breathe and live your life.


 You can live your life for a period of time without being bothered by this. Yes. It's different for everyone. *But* after awhile, it's going to get to you. The reason it doesn't get to most people is because most people never have to experience this.

For example, you take most guys and tell them that they're going to have to wait until they're 30 years old to date. What do think most of those guys would say? They'd probably say you're crazy. Why would they have such a problem with that? Biological urges. That's why. If most guys had to go that long without some kind of physical intimacy with a girl you'd have a lot of angry guys in this world. I guarantee you that.

Think about it. If this isn't such a big deal, then why do the vast majority of people seek out companions? Why aren't there more single people in the world? Why do most people have companions way before they get to my age?


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## RX2000 (Jan 25, 2004)

The bottom line knglerxt, is that you have to put yourself out there and TRY to meet a girl.

Of course you are never gonna meet anyone sitting alone in your apt breaking stuff....

You said you are in college. You've gotta get yourself out of your comfort zone. I know its hard... I know its almost impossible when you have SA, but you still gotta do it. 

You have 2 possibilites: 1 - Sit in your apt all day breaking stuff and thinking of relationships that will never be OR 2 - Getting out and looking for a girl...

I was in the same place you are about 2 yrs ago, but I got out, went on a study abroad program, and met the love of my life. You dont have to go abroad (altho it helps because most American girls... umm what word can I use without getting censored.... well, they arent the best girls in the world, I'll just say that  ) but you can do the same thing on your campus. You can either live with the frustration and fear OR overcome it. Those are the only 2 options. You gotta pick....


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## cj (Jan 25, 2004)

Well i don't know about anyone else, but i'd be reluctant to get involved with a guy that bust up his apartment. Anger scares me, and I avoid angry men. I'd get the place fixed up, so that when you do have a woman over, she doesn't go running in terror. What will you do if you get angry with someone when you are in a relationship?

Good luck


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

cj said:


> Well i don't know about anyone else, but i'd be reluctant to get involved with a guy that bust up his apartment. Anger scares me, and I avoid angry men. I'd get the place fixed up, so that when you do have a woman over, she doesn't go running in terror. What will you do if you get angry with someone when you are in a relationship?
> 
> Good luck


 First, I only get that angry when I'm by myself. Most of it comes from this severe anxiety. My counselor even said that when men have severe anxiety mixed with depression that they are more inclined to act angry. I would never do that with someone around. I've never been in any physical confrontation with someone in my entire life. I would never hurt a woman I was with. Keep in mind that I haven't always been this angry. I'm usually an easy going person.

Second, the reason I haven't fixed the apartment is because I don't believe my situation is going to get any better. So, what's the use? I'm the only one that ever sees it. Of course, if I were to meet a girl I would definitely fix the apartment. There's no way I would let anyone walk in my apartment and see the stuff I've done to it.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

RX2000 said:


> The bottom line knglerxt, is that you have to put yourself out there and TRY to meet a girl.
> 
> Of course you are never gonna meet anyone sitting alone in your apt breaking stuff....
> 
> ...


 I've looked at the clubs my school has to offer, but the only one I would be interested in joining is the chemistry club because I'm a chemistry major. *But* science clubs aren't exactly a melting pot of attractive, single college females. The odds definitely would not be in my favor. So, I don't think I would meet a girl that I'm attracted to in a place like that.

It's not really about going places and doing things. You can do that all you want to, but if you have social anxiety nothing is going to happen. Girls aren't going to just walk up to me just because I'm there. Trust me. I've tried that, and it doesn't work. That's why I think it's hopeless. I've tried "being out there", but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe other guys have more luck with that. I don't.


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## Argo (May 1, 2005)

knglerxt said:


> First, I only get that angry when I'm by myself. Most of it comes from this severe anxiety. My counselor even said that when men have severe anxiety mixed with depression that they are more inclined to act angry. I would never do that with someone around. I've never been in any physical confrontation with someone in my entire life. I would never hurt a woman I was with. Keep in mind that I haven't always been this angry. I'm usually an easy going person.


Oh come on. If you're that poor at expressing your feelings it'll have to come out some way. If you're too afraid to directly confront someone, I'd have to expect it'd spill over into a flood of passive aggressive behavior. The things you've described in this thread represent a serious problem and I think you should follow the advice of your counselor.



> Second, the reason I haven't fixed the apartment is because I don't believe my situation is going to get any better. So, what's the use? I'm the only one that ever sees it. Of course, if I were to meet a girl I would definitely fix the apartment. There's no way I would let anyone walk in my apartment and see the stuff I've done to it.


If you think it's too humiliating to let anyone else see it, then why do you allow _yourself_ to be exposed to it everyday? You've got to pick yourself up, man. The more you tolerate the mess you've made the more subtly normal it will seem to you. Hell, you've already talked yourself into believing it will never get better. Can't you see that you're just digging a ditch and sleeping in it every night?

Clean up your home and get it repaired. You'll feel so much better not to have the squalor of your darkest point constantly surrounding you.


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## RX2000 (Jan 25, 2004)

knglerxt said:


> I've looked at the clubs my school has to offer, but the only one I would be interested in joining is the chemistry club because I'm a chemistry major. *But* science clubs aren't exactly a melting pot of attractive, single college females. The odds definitely would not be in my favor. So, I don't think I would meet a girl that I'm attracted to in a place like that.
> 
> It's not really about going places and doing things. You can do that all you want to, but if you have social anxiety nothing is going to happen. Girls aren't going to just walk up to me just because I'm there. Trust me. I've tried that, and it doesn't work. That's why I think it's hopeless. I've tried "being out there", but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe other guys have more luck with that. I don't.


Yea, like I was really expecting to meet a girl my type in Mexico.... :lol

And when I say "Get out there" I dont mean just go out and stand around waiting for someone to come to you. You are a guy, and guys *usually* have to chase the girls. Thats life, get over it. You need to be proactive.

I think the worse thing you have going for you is your attitude. Like I said before, moping around your apt breaking stuff isnt going to get you a girlfriend. You have to go find one.

I bet there's not a man in the world who has had a girl come to his apt, knock on the door, and say "Hi! Can I be your girlfriend?" This seems to be what you are waiting to happen, but trust me, it never will. :lol

Its hard for a LOT of guys to do this tho, I know.... And its probably 10x harder to do with SA.... I know this too... I had severe SA when I left to go to Mexico, and even now I still deal with it, altho its not as bad.

You just have to ask yourself, how miserable are you gonna let your SA make you?


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

knglerxt said:


> Zephyr said:
> 
> 
> > Well, I don't know why you feel like that all of a sudden. Nothing's changed, you know. Girls aren't necessary to eat, sleep, breathe and live your life.
> ...


You know, I think it's largely because that's what most people think you're "supposed" to do. If you believe you want to do that, then fine. But like I said, girls aren't really needed, unless you want to have kids for some reason. Maybe I'm just weird, but even though I've hardly ever even talked to girls in my life, I'm anything but angry. I've heard lots of guys complain about them and it's nice not to deal with that headache. With social anxiety I have enough problems on my plate right now. But anyway good luck in whatever you want....


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Argo said:


> knglerxt said:
> 
> 
> > First, I only get that angry when I'm by myself. Most of it comes from this severe anxiety. My counselor even said that when men have severe anxiety mixed with depression that they are more inclined to act angry. I would never do that with someone around. I've never been in any physical confrontation with someone in my entire life. I would never hurt a woman I was with. Keep in mind that I haven't always been this angry. I'm usually an easy going person.
> ...


 You might have to elaborate some more on your first response. I'm not sure that I know what you mean. Let me make a stab at it, though. I'm not afraid to confront people. If someone pushes me far enough, I will confront them. That has just never happened to point of it getting physical,i.e. fighting. I would only fight to defend myself. Yes. Of course, I've had disagreements with people before. Who hasn't? I can express my feelings to someone without putting holes in the wall. Like I said before, everytime I had an outburst like that I was alone. I mean I wouldn't invite someone over, and then turn around and start breaking stuff in front of them. I do have a little bit of self control.

As for your second response, my apartment has only looked like for the past few months. Before then, I never put holes in the walls and broke all my belongings. Let's say that I fix my apartment and replace the stuff I broke. What then? I'd be right back where I started. I'd still have the same problem.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

RX2000 said:


> I think the worse thing you have going for you is your attitude. Like I said before, moping around your apt breaking stuff isnt going to get you a girlfriend. You have to go find one.


 I have a bitter attitude about it because I've endured this for far too long. What makes it even worse is seeing everyone around you succeeding. It makes you think,"Well, what's wrong with me?"


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## monkeymagic (Jan 25, 2006)

GIRLS CAN SENSE WHEN A GUY IS AGRESSIVE OR ANGRY ON THE INSIDE AND THEY RUN AWAY- IF THEY ARE QUICK ENOUGH.

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BUT LOTS OF GIRLS ARE ANGRY BECAUSE THEY HAVE DATED AGGRESSIVE MEAN MEN AND ARE TOO SCARED TO DATE AGAIN BECAUSE OF THAT.

ALSO REJECTION IS PART OF DATING IF YOU ARE A MAN. MOST GIRLS SAY NO TO MOST MEN. ASK 50 GIRLS OUT AND ONE MIGHT SAY YES. ALL MY MALE FRIENDS WHO DATE GET REJECTED TWENTY TIMES AS MUCH AS THEY ARE ACCEPTED. THEY JUST KNOW THAT WOMEN AREN'T USUALLY EASY AND THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GIRLS DO.  

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AN ARROGANT ARSEHOLE WHEN ASKING GIRLS OUT BUT JUST BE BRAVE AND DON'T GIVE UP SO EASILY.

HOWEVER I GUESS I DON'T KNOW YOU SO DISREGARD MY ADVICE IF IT MAKES YOU SADDER RATHER THAN BRAVER :con


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## Argo (May 1, 2005)

knglerxt said:


> You might have to elaborate some more on your first response. I'm not sure that I know what you mean. Let me make a stab at it, though. I'm not afraid to confront people. If someone pushes me far enough, I will confront them. That has just never happened to point of it getting physical,i.e. fighting. I would only fight to defend myself. Yes. Of course, I've had disagreements with people before. Who hasn't? I can express my feelings to someone without putting holes in the wall. Like I said before, everytime I had an outburst like that I was alone. I mean I wouldn't invite someone over, and then turn around and start breaking stuff in front of them. I do have a little bit of self control.


You claimed you only "get angry" when you're by yourself. I have a hard time believing you'd be able to keep that Jekyll/Hyde split preserved if you ever had to actually deal with anybody on a regular basis --- say a relationship. If you didn't actually punch them out, I'd expect all those negative feelings to vent themselves more subtly. Bottom line, the stuff you're doing ain't normal and you ought to get and follow a therapist's advice.



> As for your second response, my apartment has only looked like for the past few months. Before then, I never put holes in the walls and broke all my belongings. Let's say that I fix my apartment and replace the stuff I broke. What then? I'd be right back where I started. I'd still have the same problem.


I was never claiming that fixing up your apartment would be the magic fix to your problems. But I do believe you're only making it worse by tolerating such damage. Being back where you started is an improvement over now; at least then you weren't having irrational fits of anger.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Argo said:


> knglerxt said:
> 
> 
> > You might have to elaborate some more on your first response. I'm not sure that I know what you mean. Let me make a stab at it, though. I'm not afraid to confront people. If someone pushes me far enough, I will confront them. That has just never happened to point of it getting physical,i.e. fighting. I would only fight to defend myself. Yes. Of course, I've had disagreements with people before. Who hasn't? I can express my feelings to someone without putting holes in the wall. Like I said before, everytime I had an outburst like that I was alone. I mean I wouldn't invite someone over, and then turn around and start breaking stuff in front of them. I do have a little bit of self control.
> ...


 Okay. I see what you're talking about now. Of course, I have gotten angry around people before. I just have self control. I mean everyone gets angry at people sometimes. I just know that going off in public isn't a very smart thing to do. People would probably call the cops on me or something.

I've had to deal with people on a regular basis before. I was in the Air Force for 4 years. I've had a couple of other jobs since I've been out. I haven't been living like a hermit for the past several years. If I had a gf, I wouldn't physically abuse her. Like I said before, I don't get physical with people when I get angry at them. Unless of course, they get physical with me. Then, it's self-defense.


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## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

Just my perspective: 

A) I do think it would be good to have a therapist to provide an outlet for your anger - not in substitute or as a full resolution to your issues but in tandem to getting out and meeting women. As you find your calm, women will find you more attractive. Really, we can see pent up frustrations.... we can, and it will reduce the odds of meeting a really quality person 

B) There are numerous, in fact, infinate studies on the effect that our immediate surrounding have on us. You may have only had a home that has clear reminders of your frustrations for a few months, but fix it. You don't need that to cement feelings that will only serve to keep you miserable. We are what we believe ourselves to be. If you believe that you can repair ... the hole in the wall.... the frustration.... the hole in your social life... the hole in your heart.. you WILL. We become what we envision. Even if you just went with the trendy Feng Shui concepts: you will make your home a sanctuary that allows positive feelings to flow and pushes negative feelings away. The chinese, although they have their faults in government, have excellent advice medicinally in many cases. 

May your soul heal enough to find it's mate, my friend. I certainly sympathise.


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## Urkidding (Oct 12, 2005)

knglerxt said:


> RX2000 said:
> 
> 
> > I think the worse thing you have going for you is your attitude. Like I said before, moping around your apt breaking stuff isnt going to get you a girlfriend. You have to go find one.
> ...


I can easily empathize with you as years ago I went through what you are experiencing now. I didn't break everything in my apt., though, and put only one hole, not ten, in one of the walls. 

Seeing what *seems* like everybody else having someone, we do tend to think, "Well, what's wrong with me?" Often the answer is "nothing." Dating is a basically a game that shouldn't be taken too seriously. That's not to say that it's insignificant or not worthwhile, rather as many options as possible should be left open in an attempt to connect with as many possible matches as one can. It's a number's game.

How does one increase their odds of finding someone to date?
First, the seeker must get out, if not physically, at least thru the computer or classifieds. Second, the person needs to lower his expectations, which sometimes means lowering his standards. That's not to say that a guy or gal needs to date anyone, but there is too much fixation in the dating world which reduces the pool of good dating prospects. Guys don't need the obviously "hot" girls; girls don't need the obviously outgoing, confident guys.

You may want to consider a dating service or personals as another poster has suggested and this time decide to connect with those who don't exactly match your profiled type. There's a lot of potential benefit in meeting, and even dating, girls who really aren't your preferred type. They just might have a roommate who is your preferred type. And all of this is good practice for you, and you'll be out of your apt.

Some posters here have commented on your anger. I think you are the biggest victim of your frustration, but I see no problem with your letting anger out. Contrary to what Argo has said, I don't see how it makes you a Jeckyl/Hyde or how it carries over to how you treat others. If you can afford to break up your items, go ahead and do it. Items are replaceable, people are not. I broke up items, etc., in my lonely frustration with the dating/relationship scene, but I've never laid a hand on my current or previous significant others. If you ask me, I'd be more wary of a guy who never seemed to let his anger out at all.

You say that you're interested in Chemistry and you'd consider joining a club, and that's cool. If I were you, I wouldn't limit myself only to that, though. Maybe try things you might have no interest in where more girls may be present. For example, I'd imagine that a cooking class would be mainly girls. Not interested in cooking? So what--your aim is to meet girls, right? If you're the only guy there, they may very well fight over the privilege of helping you measure out the ingredients
for that new recipe.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Wrennie said:


> Just my perspective:
> 
> A) I do think it would be good to have a therapist to provide an outlet for your anger - not in substitute or as a full resolution to your issues but in tandem to getting out and meeting women. As you find your calm, women will find you more attractive. Really, we can see pent up frustrations.... we can, and it will reduce the odds of meeting a really quality person


 I see what you're saying with this, but everyone has frustrations with something. Like I said before, I haven't always been this angry. So, why did I not meet anyone then?

For example, when I was in the Air Force I had several guy friends, and I was calm pretty much all the time. I didn't break up my dorm room or anything like that. I was happy with my life at that point. But I didn't meet any girls the whole 4 years I was in there.

That's the reason it's so hard for me to think positively about this. I've had friends and been fairly happy with life before, but when I was in that position nothing came of it. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## Wrennie (Sep 12, 2005)

The key word in that last paragraph was "happy". Now, if you can have that again, with the addition of more advanced social skills (that's where the therapist comes in), it just might come to something. I suspect you weren't as "happy" as you think you were or you wouldn't be commenting now that "nothing came of it". Could be that in the back of your mind you weren't as happy as you think you were... you were waiting for more to develop.. when it didn't, you became angry/disappointed. A therapist would be useful also in helping you figure out what it is that you want, dispell frustrations as they come along rather than build them up, and maybe give you tools to progress in the direction you are hoping for. 

Regarding my earlier input: Yes, everyone has frustrations at times in their life. We all have our issues. My perpective was looking forward from here, giving ideas on how to progress.... not advice on how to view the past that you cannot change. If you are unable to turn your face forward, away from obsessing over what didn't happen before, to focus on what you might create for your future, you are stuck for sure. Even if you go forward as a pessimist, forward is forward. There's nothing positive about looking back at holes in the walls. Pull yourself up by the boots and get yourself a bucket of spackle. Fix your walls and your focus. There's nothing back there worth wallowing in.


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## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

knglerxt said:


> Biological urges. That's why. If most guys had to go that long without some kind of physical intimacy with a girl you'd have a lot of angry guys in this world. I guarantee you that.


See China. Their one child family policy + patriarchial system = lots of guys and very few girls. You think you have it hard, try being a Chinaman growing up in central Asia (something like 70-30 ratio now).


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## Korie2006 (Feb 5, 2006)

I understand the angry part, more than I can explain I get that. It isn't really about having a significant other, it's about not being able to connect with people which is a basic human need, love and acceptance are needs. The thing is, you think you get a girlfriend and you instantly get both needs met. Well, yeah, until she leaves you. What you need are the social skills to make connections and build relationships. Start little, baby steps, tiny little baby steps...wow that takes me back! This is what I know as you make progress, you will at times feel better and at times worse. You will make mistakes that will have you calling the suicide hotline...or in your case, smashing stuff; but it gets better, ask anybody here who has done CBT; then sign up for it and dedicate yourself to it, one tiny baby step at a time. It won't work to put the weight of the fulfillment of your needs on another person, been there, screwed that up. Fix yourself first.


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## knglerxt (Jan 18, 2006)

Korie2006 said:


> I understand the angry part, more than I can explain I get that. It isn't really about having a significant other, it's about not being able to connect with people which is a basic human need, love and acceptance are needs. The thing is, you think you get a girlfriend and you instantly get both needs met. Well, yeah, until she leaves you. What you need are the social skills to make connections and build relationships. Start little, baby steps, tiny little baby steps...wow that takes me back! This is what I know as you make progress, you will at times feel better and at times worse. You will make mistakes that will have you calling the suicide hotline...or in your case, smashing stuff; but it gets better, ask anybody here who has done CBT; then sign up for it and dedicate yourself to it, one tiny baby step at a time. It won't work to put the weight of the fulfillment of your needs on another person, been there, screwed that up. Fix yourself first.


 I'm seeing a therapist now, but I just don't think any of the things she tells me to do will help solve my problem. For example, she told me to join Facebook to meet some students at college. I did that, but it seems that if you don't already know anybody at school it's not going to work. People don't add you as their friend unless they already know you. A lot of good that's going to do me.

She told me to get a part-time job. I could do that, but it's not going to help me meet any girls. I've had jobs before and didn't meet any women. I was in the Air Force for 4 years. I had several good guy friends, yet I still didn't meet one single female the entire time I was in.

How am I supposed to be optimistic about the future when all I've seen so far is no improvement? I've lived my life up to this point, but it just hasn't happened for me. It seems to happen to almost everybody else by the time they get my age. I don't see any indication that it's going to change any time soon.

I have no motivation to do anything any more. I've always made good grades, but this semester I'm failing 2 classes. I failed a class last semester because of this. If I could see something to show me that maybe it's going to get better, I could probably pull myself out of this. But until then I just can't do it.

You say take baby steps. I don't have time for baby steps. I'm 24 years old. I've gone too long already. Going to college doesn't make it any easier. I'm around girls everyday, yet I can't meet any. I've been at this college for over a year now. I still haven't met a soul. It's like taking a kid with diabetes to a candy store.


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## travo (May 20, 2004)

Take a minute and think man, no one's chances just stop because of what age you are. There are still single people your age (happens to be my age too) that are single for fun, or to focus on career. Wherever you live there are thousands upon thousands, if not millions of eligible women not far off.

So let's not lose perspective. The problem you have is being able to talk to them and start a relationship. Tackle that. Scared to start? Think about this, you only remember your last success or failure. You may fail a few times, but what happens when you succeed? Keep looking, find the right woman by communicating. HELL NO you can't guarantee a timeline on that, but it's certainly not going to happen before you start.


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## unleashed (Feb 6, 2006)

knglerxt, honestly man at this point you should seriously consider online dating. Sign up for something like match.com and create an intriguing profile with a few pictures. Be very, very tenacious. Email every single girl you dig. Mention why their profile caught your eye (aside from the fact you thought she was hot). You could mention how cute she is, but they've heard that a million times, so don't focus on the physical. 

When a few get back to you, they're interested! so keep it up, write them back, write some interesting things about yourself, and throw in a couple questions for her at the end. You've got nothing to lose. After a few emails, don't feel like you need to rush it, see if she's got an AIM or MSN messenger screen name and chat it up whenever you're both on. Get to know her like that for a while, for as long as you want (or until she can't take it anymore and just HAS to meet you). 

These kinds of sites no longer have the 'only creepy peeps do that' stigma they used to. She can't call you, she can't show up at your place, she can't ever see you in real life until you're absolutely ready, and you WILL be if you find someone who just clicks. 

Seriously brother, don't lose hope now, you're still a young guy with nothing but time. You've got to understand this is going to take some time, so if it doesn't happen right off the bat, don't beat yourself up. Baby steps are steps nonetheless. 

You're post really got to me, so I hope this helps. 

DO IT!!! get signed up and get to searchin'!!!


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## Korie2006 (Feb 5, 2006)

Ok, to hell with baby steps, for a moment. You'll see what I mean in a minute. What you need to do is walk up to a beautiful woman and say something to her. Ask her directions somewhere. Ask her if she's taking so and so's class. Yeah it'll feel like death but you'll live, and even worse you'll stumble. It won't be easy and you won't get it right but you have to do it. Here's why, you can't get from here to there in one giant leap. To convince yourself that you can get from here to there at all, you have to go in and stumble your way through it. Once you see that's it's possible and it's possible for you, you'll also see that there is knowledge that you are missing and skills you need to pull this off. To get that, you have to learn it and you have to practice it, one little step at a time. To make yourself do it, you'll have to first throw yourself off that cliff. If you do it, in a year you'll be 25 and have made a year's progress. If you don't do it, in a year you'll still be 25. Not that you have to listen to me, I'm 38, what do I know about being 24.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

24's not that old man, relax. You'll get there. It's normal for people with SA to be late bloomers.

Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer! You get to skip all the high school BS and get right to the serious (?) relationships. 

I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 26. 

I think you just have to find the right girl, and it'll happen for you. Also, you've got to learn to open yourself up and risk it.


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