# Been living as a shut in since 1999.



## TCyan

Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.

I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.

I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.

I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.

All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.

The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.

I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.

I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.

I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.

I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.

Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.

After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.

But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.

So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.

I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.

One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.

Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.

When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.

Edit: Read more here.


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## theseshackles

Any siblings?


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## Diacetylmorphine

Interesting read.

I was in a similar situation after high school, spent about 2 years in my room with my video games and little contact with the outside world. I sometimes wish i could live like that forever but i realized i was missing out on a lot, even though I don't see my friends much i think it's still important...

I think the parent thing is something that forced me to try and get out there, as they aren't getting any younger. So I know I have to learn to be self sufficient, eventually.


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## Jemma

"All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today." 
*-* Pope Paul VI
​


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## TCyan

theseshackles said:


> Any siblings?


Yeah I have a brother, he's going to be 23 soon. He's living with us too, but he has a job and a social life. I don't think he would take care of me if my parents were to suddenly leave. Heck I wouldn't want to put that burden on him.

I also have a cousin that's antisocial and still lives with his parents. He's probably around 35~ years old and at least has a job.

I have an aunt that is in her 50s or 60s. She stayed with her parents until they died and then moved in with her sister. She also does not do anything. She had jobs here and there, but she's mostly a shut in like me.


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## low

I read it all. No judgement. I've been similar for about 6 years now though not as extreme and I thought I was bad (no offence, I mean that in the nicest way). Personally I'm bored everyday I do the same thing as you, other than I go for walks when it's quiet, late evening/early morning. I'm miserable also. 

The way I see it is I'd rather go through other types of pain and make a go of it than the emotional pain that comes from living a solitary life. Too long I've sat literally staring at walls with negative thoughts festering in my mind all day. Simply, there has to be more to life than this. I'm terrified really and it's going to be hard. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes.

I just want to put out to you also, though you probably already know this. Have you not considered when your parents do eventually die (since you've mentioned it) you are going to have a much tougher time looking after yourself than if you'd started to make posative changes before hand?


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## theseshackles

Well for the sake of survival after your parents pass on there are a lot of work at home jobs you could choose to do.


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## Hot Chocolate

I was a shut in during periods late 2004s - late 2006 and when I met someone on the net and he gave me a job but I left that and it continued my downward spiral again...losing many things outside and right now the future is still uncertain for me even though I got a job but I don't know if I ever would be a temporary shut in again. Though my parents do actually find me a burden...so I got little to no choice but to face the harsh realities out there now and then...

I can understand your condition but being a young lady like me wanting to be shut out of the world seem really unusual to many...


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## Ron Jeremy

I am in a similar situation only my parents (horrible people) are dead and I was kept captive till I was 15 then when I escaped I wound up in prison for three and a half years,I had a social life for maybe 3-4yrs then I just quit because it was waayyy to exhausting.:afr now i have a sugar momma that enables me and I have to pay the rent physically so basically I'm her sex doll and I cant wait to die. This is just another prison sentence.


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## TCyan

low said:


> I just want to put out to you also, though you probably already know this. Have you not considered when your parents do eventually die (since you've mentioned it) you are going to have a much tougher time looking after yourself than if you'd started to make posative changes before hand?


Like I said, I've been considering suicide once there is nobody left to take care of me. I really hate the idea of living past 50 years old too.



theseshackles said:


> Well for the sake of survival after your parents pass on there are a lot of work at home jobs you could choose to do.


Not really, most stay at home jobs require you to talk on the phone, and I have a major phobia of that. And if there are any where I can just work over the internet, I can't imagine I would make enough money from that to live on.


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## uponit01

I feel i have had SA throughout my life, but like you it really hit me when i tried to go to college. Needless to say, it was a bad experience and i withdrew from the world. Didn't leave the house for two years straight. Not for mail, trash, drive, walk...nothing. Of course the more time you spend alone with your negative thoughs the more they will build on each other. Thankfully I found a doctor and pills that helped. What I'm trying to relate to you is take a small step first. I've been to the lowest of the low and just spent time waiting to die, I got to that now or never feeling and gave it my best to change things. Don't give up yet.


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## theseshackles

Cmon dude you totally need to get laid before you leave this world

Let that be your motivation to stick around a little longer


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## Kon

Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.


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## stranger25

I've been like that for 6 years or so, but it wasn't like the past-911 new millenium stereotypical "video games, TV, and living in moms basement (I never had a basement before) thing (I still go out) but it's only now that I'm starting to break out of it for real. Once I prayed to God and asked for help and direction in life and now he's showing me the way. I'm still not truly happy though and I'm not gonna go around boasting that the world is perfect and if someone isn't content it means they're a danger to society because that's completely false. But I can see all the injustices out there and I think the only way you can really come to terms with this stuff is if you're living it. With the pain and despair. I've been at rock bottom mentally and spiritually and in general several times and have on occasion started seriously questioning my existance and purpose, and wondering if I should even bother living in this matrix anymore.



TCyan said:


> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.


Wow that's unreal. I'd love to experience something like that. So weird how something like that can change the outlook so much.


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## softshock11

Wow reading this gave me a sinking feeling in my chest. This sounds scary. No offense. I really fear ending up like that..i guess its cool youre happy living that way (or at least made yourself believe that you're happy)
I used to live as a recluse, or a "shut in" with my boyfriend for a few years when i was 18.. then we broke up (for reasons not being my SA) i moved back home and I'm going to admit I was so much happier being a shut in at his place... yet it was miserable. I hate how confusing that was for me.

Now that im 21 and expected to be midway through college and partying it up every weekend, which is what i expected of myself -__- Its only become a nightmare. I get panic and tons of anxiety in school, I stopped going.. which made me feel disappointed but im trying to push myself to try again this September.
I'm realizing that i've strayed away from so many friends, and so many opportunities in life and its left me in a rut of depression, its so lonely sometimes i think i hear voices.

It kinda just blows my mind reading about someone who doesn't mind the lifestyle I'm terrified of living.

More power to ya I guess.


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## TCyan

theseshackles said:


> Cmon dude you totally need to get laid before you leave this world
> 
> Let that be your motivation to stick around a little longer


I've been told many times on other forums that I should just get a hooker or whatever. I really don't want that. And I really don't care about dying a virgin either. I just don't care about it.



Kon said:


> Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.


I never learned how to ride a bike or swim or anything. I've never been into nature. I hate being outside, I dislike bugs. I never did anything outdoorsie when I was not a shut in either. As a kid, all I did was spend my summer vacations in my room. I had a few friends, but all we did was play video games.


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## wrongnumber

^ Do you want to at least attempt getting treatment?


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## TCyan

LaRibbon said:


> ^ Do you want to at least attempt getting treatement?


Like I said in my opening post, I don't want to change. I like living this way. It's great not having any responsibilities. I know it will end someday but everything ends eventually anyway. I just don't care about the idea of having a full time job, paying bills, buying food at the grocery store, being around people socially, all that crap is awful sounding to me. My panic attacks basically keep me from doing anything socially anyway and I refuse to take medication. I'm quite content right were I am.


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## wrongnumber

TCyan said:


> Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No.


I'm just saying attempting treatment might be a good idea to prevent a suicidal crises later.

Anyway, apart from that, what do you want us to say?


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## TCyan

LaRibbon said:


> I'm just saying attempting treatment might be a good idea to prevent a suicidal crises later.
> 
> Anyway, apart from that, what do you want us to say?


Not really looking for answers or help here. I just wanted to make my mark on the world, maybe scare some people into not wanting to become like me, ect. I just like talking about myself and reading about others that have their own problems.


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## bloodswordfire1473

hey that was a great read


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## CeilingStarer

I could have ended up that way if my family allowed it. I still like to get outside though, and do solitary things. The "grown-up" life is pretty horrible I have to admit. I feel like a slave, and dream of just going hermit for a year or so... basically until my savings run out.

It's like I'm not messed-up enough to be a complete recluse, yet I'm not social enough to fit in with society. I don't even agree with the program either which makes it harder.

Ah well dude... not going to pass judgement or offer advice really. I guess I just wish you the best, and hope that you find your footing when your folks pass.


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## Mae West

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.


I don't understand how you can say you are happy and don't want to change and then in the next sentence say "Life is a pain and I hope I don't live much longer." I don't think happy people think life is a pain.


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## Clipper

Kon said:


> Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.


Something like this was going to be my suggestion also. To try to get 'lost' in the outdoors, maybe go on a roadtrip or camping trip for a longer time than normal. Get away from your life as it is for a while. I think this will help get a new perspective which is what is missing

Take care bud


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## dutchguy

Hi

I can relate to much what you say. I am almost 25 now and I lives like you for the past 4/5 years. I know its not 12 years. But after I quit school I just did almost nothing. I also drown myself in internet. It like a non stop tranquillizer for me. It keeps me away from my own feelings away from reality. I think its very easy to get stuck in this "lifestyle". I know that if I don't change anything in my life I can make it also a period of 12 years. 
And also I know if I don't change I would end up dead our homeless. Still I don't do anything about it. I think it's because depression. What you (and I ) experience as the "outside world" is not the real world. You don't have to experience it like that. What you now see as the outside world is not a realistic view. 

You also say you don't want social contact etc. But I think you are so much detached from what real life can be for you that you don't even know what you can experience "out there". Of course you can get a panic attack if you would now go outside living etc. Because you are so in-experienced in it.

I think you must quit all addictions, and all things that you use to run away from reality. Stop internet/tv/video games/junkfood(sugar). Just sit down, be around your parents and don't go to your room before youre actually going to sleep.

Eventually talk to your parents a bit. May be they have a good idea what you can do. Take a easy job. It doesn't have to be full time. I know you don't like the job, I know you can't anjoy it. But you have to realize you can't get instant results with getting this. Slowly you have to do everything to get closer to people, to get real social connections. When you can make it to this point you dont even think about going back to youre old life.

I am actually thinking about going on vacation all by myself. Because I now realize recently I have to break this habit of "non living". 

You are 30. You can still do anything you want to do. You can have friends/girlfriend/work. You can marry. But don't wait for it. 

I know I don't have real good advice for you, but you must tell yourself that there's much more in life then you now can think of.


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## gleek

You said that you don't want to change but are you really sure? Perhaps your subconscious part of your brain is longing for change.


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## TCyan

Forgot to mention, I have celiac disease and I'm very limited to what kind of foods I can eat. I'm also hovering around 105-115lbs, always changing. I'm 5'9" tall and pretty darn close to anorexia. This is also hard on me because I feel like I never have any energy to even try to do something simple like exercise on our treadmill. I eat three, sometimes four healthy meals a day, but I can't gain weight. I'm sure it's something I could probably go to the doctor to check on, but I just don't want to go.

And about the whole "I can find someone someday and get married" that some of you have suggested. I don't think I really want to. The very last thing I want is to have a kid that is as screwed up as me. This is another reason why I want to just stay single/virgin. I don't trust birth control either. I can't trust people (I can't even trust my own family) so I doubt I can trust a girlfriend/wife. It's just another thing for me to avoid all together. People that are as screwed up as me shouldn't be reproducing.



gleek said:


> You said that you don't want to change but are you really sure? Perhaps your subconscious part of your brain is longing for change.


Well sure, if there was such thing as magic and I could be cured by the wave of a hand, then sure I'd do it. But other than that, no. I like living like this. It's not going to last forever I know, but what else can I do? I've been a shut in for so long now that It's too hard to socialize in public without having panic attacks. My panic attacks are like full blown uncontrollable seizures.


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## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> Forgot to mention, I have celiac disease and I'm very limited to what kind of foods I can eat. I'm also hovering around 105-115lbs, always changing. I'm 5'9" tall and pretty darn close to anorexia. This is also hard on me because I feel like I never have any energy to even try to do something simple like exercise on our treadmill. I eat three, sometimes four healthy meals a day, but I can't gain weight. I'm sure it's something I could probably go to the doctor to check on, but I just don't want to go.
> 
> And about the whole "I can find someone someday and get married" that some of you have suggested. I don't think I really want to. The very last thing I want is to have a kid that is as screwed up as me. This is another reason why I want to just stay single/virgin. I don't trust birth control either. I can't trust people (I can't even trust my own family) so I doubt I can trust a girlfriend/wife. It's just another thing for me to avoid all together. People that are as screwed up as me shouldn't be reproducing.
> 
> Well sure, if there was such thing as magic and I could be cured by the wave of a hand, then sure I'd do it. But other than that, no. I like living like this. It's not going to last forever I know, but what else can I do? I've been a shut in for so long now that It's too hard to socialize in public without having panic attacks. My panic attacks are like full blown uncontrollable seizures.


Your still at the "teenage level". If you ask a male teenager he would probely also say he doesn't want kids and dont want to marry. Of course you don't want you are far to in experienced.

I can relate to all what you say, but I know its all wrong thinking. Its all because you're depressed. You are far to long in this state of mind. I think I can't and maybe nobody can proove that youre totally wrong. Because you're un reachable . Find the truth yourself. You can still become "normal". 
Set a goal for yourself. I think going on a vacation is the easiest and the most realistic thing you can do for yourself. Go all alone. Go for a "beach trip". 
You have to set a goal for everyday like. Go on vacation, go to the beach everyday, after that eating out, go to a bar, go to sleep. And then repeat.

It just costs you 7 days of your life. You can always decide to go back and never come out of the house again if you prefer.

Going to a strange place, meeting people you are never going to meet again. Can be a oppertunity to train yourself socially and become more at ease.

What you also can do is tell your problems to as many people you know, family, old friends? They have a far more realistic view of the world then you now have. Maybe they can proove you wrong.

Nothing is easy, but you have to create trust that it will become easy in time.
the idea of going on vacation had a big impact on me. It didn't lasts so I felt back into my old life style as soon as I was home. But the impact was do dramatic. I found a person inside of me I never had seen before.


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## TCyan

Going on a vacation alone is far to extreme for someone in my situation.

I've also never had any alcohol in my life, so going to bars is pretty much out of the question. Sure I could just drink water, but the main thing is being in such a social environment would force me into panic attacks easily.

And like I said, I have celiac disease so I can't eat out at restaurants without being extremely careful of what I eat, but there's always contamination to worry about too, so it's best I don't eat out at restaurants.

I don't have any money either so I can't just up and go on vacation for a week. I've never done any traveling in my life and I get motion sickness very easily (from when I used to travel with my family when I was in my child/teen years)

Yeah I could go on and on and on throwing excuses at you all why I can't do anything. But this stuff is real, and I don't want to fight it. Panic attacks are extremely debilitating for me. They cause me to hyperventilate to the point I just pass out from too much oxygen intake.

I don't know what else to say, other than I hope nobody else ends up like me, cause I'm definitely a lost cause.


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## s0dy

I guess the best advice I can give you for now is: try to leave the house more often, even if you don't interact with people (honestly I would even advice against interacting with people, too much risk of them doing something that would make you lock yourself home again)

To give you my personal example, for the last 3 years (almost 4) I've kept my social interaction to a minimum, I can spend one month without getting outside the house, but every now and then I do make an effort to get out and spend a bit of time outside (I do prefer some place in the middle of nature without any house nearby, but if I can't do that, a walk on quiet streets around town is also good, as long as I avoid people I'm fine)
But don't think I'm much of a positive thinker, I do feel like a leech, sucking on my parents money and life, yet just the thought of getting a job (not the job itself, the stupid, unnecessary social interaction that has nothing to do with the job) makes me want to sit in a corner and look at a wall (real men don't cry, right?).
I always think that if I won the lottery (i.e. large amount of money, enough to live the rest of my life without a job), I would live pretty much the same way, if not worse, except I would move out of my parents house, just moving out for me would be a "once in a lifetime achievement".

But things can only be done if you are willing to do them, you did say you don't want to change and that's quite a barrier to overcome. I wish you good luck!


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## TCyan

s0dy said:


> I always think that if I won the lottery (i.e. large amount of money, enough to live the rest of my life without a job), I would live pretty much the same way, if not worse, except I would move out of my parents house, just moving out for me would be a "once in a lifetime achievement".


Oh yeah that would be great. I'd move out and just live in solitary in my own house. I'd just have groceries delivered to me and be in complete isolation. Would be amazing.

Going outside isn't that big of deal for me. I know agoraphobic people tend to not be able to even step outside, but I can go outside just fine. It's being around people that turns me into a panic attack mess, which describes me more as a Hikikomori instead. It's something I just can't fight. Seeing people in person near me just freaks me out. I'm allergic to people. My parents and little brother are the only ones I can be near. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, nope, can't stand being near them.


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## Kon

TCyan said:


> Seeing people in person near me just freaks me out. I'm allergic to people. My parents and little brother are the only ones I can be near. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, nope, can't stand being near them.


I think to a large extent I could live/prefer to live with little social interaction except for the internet, 1-2 close friends/girl friend/spouse, parents and I would be fine/happy with that. And I'm not anxious around most people. I'm just severely introverted. But if I couldn't be outside to look at lanscape, mountains, oceans, caves, nature, the sun, the stars, animals, etc. I would be severely depressed. Maybe you could try to slowly learn/enjoy to do stuff like that in your backyard (landscaping, etc.) and slowly build up related interests and you may find that you will get pleasure from it. It will make life less boring, I think? People are not necessary for hapiness. I do some lanscaping in my house and even exercise in my backyard. If I was rich I'd probably get a big gym in my backyard. That would be cool.

Edit: Forgot to mention. I hate all jobs also but when I do similar tasks of those jobs for my own, I enjoy them. It's kind of like sex. If I was paid to do it, I'd hate having sex. It would become a total monotous chore.


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## TCyan

I'm going to add some more to what I should have typed in the opening post. I might just continue to add on to this topic over time like a journal.

---------------

I was pretty anti-social and strayed away from people when I was in my teen years. I did take Karate for a little while (and quit soon after) and I joined the school band in jr high. In highschool, I joined the marching band. So on the outside, I probably seemed like your average student.

But ever since elementary school, I was put into special classes that are for students that have trouble with their school work. I like to call it the level between the mentally challenged and the normal students. In these classes, we were extremely babied and had class work and tests that were very nerfed versions of the normal classes work.

This continued on into jr high and high school. In high school, I was exempt from all state exams and graduation exams. Half of my classes, we didn't do anything but watch movies and play with crayons all year long. I felt like I was never getting challenged at all. So through all of my high school years, I felt like I was too stupid to be in normal classes, but too smart to be in these special classes. This really screwed up my mind in a mental way that I can't really describe. I believe this is why when after I finished high school, I felt like there would be no way I could go to college. It was just a terrifying thought that I would have to be in full normal classes.

And that's only part of the reason. I also didn't want to leave home to go live in a dorm or whatever. Hell I never even thought about WHICH college I wanted to go to. I never even thought about what I want to study and what I wanted to do for a living.

This eventually led to me quitting my job and becoming a shut in. The straw that broke the camels back so to speak happened when I went to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder. I was left home alone that night and I felt like the world was ending around me. All I felt was impending doom. I wanted to kill myself so much. I ended up punching walls all around our house hard enough to bloody up my knuckles and leave blood marks everywhere on the walls.

This lead to me being under suicide watch for a few days. And of course after trying anti-depression pills for a few months and seeing other doctors, nothing changed, in fact I just got worse. So that's basically how I just became a shut in. I also had a severe panic attack right in front of my parents one day when they were talking about me going to college. After that, they stopped pushing me. I'm sure I scared them.

Anyway, back to my school years.

I remember having at least 3 girls in my life that seemed to be interested in me.

One girl lived a few houses down from me. She was a few years younger than me and we both went to the same jr high school at one point (about 6th grade?). She used to smile and look at me a lot but nothing ever really happened between us. I was far too anti-social to say hi to her. But one day she and her friend came over to my house one day when I happened to be out in the front yard. They tried to scare me with a cricket by throwing it at me. I didn't even flinch even though I'm extremely scared of bugs, especially of the cricket/cockroach types. They looked a little bummed out that they didn't scare me. Nothing much happened after that, they just went back home.

In 7th or 8th grade, another girl was interested in me. I found a note in my locker, that was all coded. She also left me a translator note to translate her message. She basically said she liked me and told me not to tell anyone about this, it was signed Anonymous so I didn't know who it was. But this kind of information was too hard to keep secret. I ended up telling a friend in the hallway between classes and she just so happened to be standing right behind me. At this point I knew who it was, but she left me another note saying she didn't like me anymore. Oh well, blew that one. I did get to talk to her one day after school but I was too nervous to say that I knew who she was and she didn't mention the letters either. Nothing happened yet again. In high school, I occasionally saw her, but she turned into a Gothic girl and looked like she was no longer my type. Not to say that I was going to try and ask her out or anything, I wasn't. I'm pretty sure she was too ashamed to date someone like me openly during jr high. She probably liked me, but thought I was too nerdy looking to be a boyfriend for her. She probably had her social status too high for me. That would explain why she only wanted to talk to me through secret coded messages.

Then the girl I met while working when I was 17-18 years old. I was working at a grocery store as a cashier, was a bagger before that. About a few weeks before I quit, was when I noticed this girl always looking at me and smiling and stuff. She would give me a lot of attention for someone I never talked to. I never talked to anyone I didn't need to, but I noticed her a lot.

On my final day was when I decided to ask her out to lunch. I figured if she turned me down, no big deal, I'm out of there anyway. If she did accept, I could just go on a test run and see what it's like to be on a mock date. Sure enough she did accept. I was nervous as hell asking her and she seemed pretty nervous too. If I had to guess now, I would say she probably had a little bit of SA as well. We went over to a fast food place near by within walking distance. I was pretty nervous about ordering food because at this point in my life, I haven't really done that much at all. Plus I had to order though a speaker. It was one of those dine outside fast food places.

Anyway, I noticed right away that she was really nervous too and I don't think she ever ordered anything for herself either. So I had to do the ordering for the both of us. What kind of sucked was I was wearing braces at the time so I didn't want to order something like a burger. I would have gotten food stuck in my braces. So since I just ordered some fries, she also only wanted something light.

Anyway we talked a little. I mentioned that I "wanted" to go to a tech school or something, although in the back of my mind, I really didn't. She said she wanted to go to college or something too. I don't really remember too much, but we ate together and talked together. This was the very first time in my life that I have ever done anything like this with a girl. And If I had to guess, this was the first time for her too.

It's weird to say, but while I was with her, I felt like a totally different person. I was still nervous as hell around her, but at the same time, I did stuff I never would have. I felt like I could accomplish anything. I had confidence in myself. I felt like I had to take care of her because she was the one feeling anxious and nervous. It was a really great feeling. Like I said, this was probably the only time in my life where I felt truly happy.

But then we said our goodbyes and she hugged me. I think in her hug she was desperately hopping I would ask her for her number or something, but I didn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do such a thing. Even after all the great feelings of confidence I had, I still felt this impending doom feeling that I needed to stay away from. I was far too scared of stepping into my first relationship.

We never saw each other again after that.

That I feel was my one and only shot at possibly having a normal life. If I had started a relationship with her, I might have been able to drive myself into wanting to be a better person for her, by going to college and getting another job and actually living.

I tend to think about it a lot. How my life would be different if I had only taken that other road.

The reason I was quitting that job was I wasn't getting paid the right amount of money for one, and thanksgiving vacation was coming up and we (my family) were going to see my family (grandparents, ect) and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off. Kind of sucks now that I think about it. If I had just stayed working at that store, I wonder if I would have just kept at it all these years or not. For some reason, I quit that job, and just could not for the life of me find another job. I was far too deep into my depression and anxiety to look for another job. I also hated driving so much, it's one of my highest fears.

...............


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## modus

I'm not here to judge, but this is definitely interesting. At a crossroads, you chose the path of least resistance. I was at the same crossroads during my high school years. I only considered doing what you did because I was fully addicted to video games at an extreme level. I talked about wanting to stay home forever and just take care of my parents while I stay home and play video games.

But eventually there came a point where my parents ended my gaming habit. They had been enablers for years and years but one day they finally just wouldn't give in. I was like 17 years old and I was crying and crying.. but I knew it was the right thing. I felt the draw of the games but resisted.. I actually went back to them a couple times but was able to pull myself out of it again. To this day, I feel the temptations still lingering inside me to go back to MMO gaming, but I'm now in complete control. I just bat away those thoughts.

I don't know if taking this path will work out for me, but I've already decided it's do or die. I'll just keep going until my mind or body fails me, trying to live a normal life. I just have this desire to be successful with a job and with girls that won't go away. I often feel pathetic, hopeless, incompetent.. but that only makes me angry and more motivated to change myself. Anger is unfortunately my biggest motivator. I feel wronged, I feel like I need to prove that I'm not a joke.

Life is hard. It's really, really hard. It's taking more effort than I thought it would.. but I've made my choice.


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## ambergris

I think becoming a shut-in is about more than social anxiety. Basically, at eighteen, you made the choice not to grow up. You pressed the pause button on your life because you didn't believe you could cope with adulthood.

I'm just wondering: were your parents controlling or overprotective when you were a kid? Because if your parents have been running your entire life from birth, the idea of going it alone is pretty terrifying, and you're probably not going to feel capable of it.


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## UltraShy

Wow, you're really f***ed up. Please don't take that as an insult, as I most certainly don't mean it to be. I relate to certain parts of your extreme tale, being really f***ed up myself, though not in the exact same ways.

One way I differ is that I graduated from college. Really the only reason I went to college was because it was the expected thing to do. Society sold me a pile of BS about the value of college. College also gave me a viable excuse for not getting any job from 1991-1995, as my job was student. Also, being a student was what I'd been trained to do and it was simply the natural progression from HS.

Then I graduated in May 1995 and I had a business degree. OK, now what? I wasn't able to answer that simple question, and now I sit here still living with my mother at the age of 38.

Interesting that you've never consumed alcohol. I never drank either till I was over the age of 30, so one can be a late bloomer. Now I drink virtually ever damn night (alone). I don't go to bars, as bars are where one might go with friends and I don't have any of them in real life.

Seems like I'm on the road to nowhere, and it appears to be a dead end. My father died in 2005. My mother is 82 so the sands of time are running low for her. She's in good health for her age, but still 82 isn't young. Then I'll liteally be all alone.

I'm not at all happy, but trying to change scares the crap out of me and being so far gone such change seems impossible.


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## nervousman

tcyan, I was like you for a few years. I've always been real quiet, but my Freshman year of high school I totally freaked out and ended up dropping out of school for halff of a semester during my soph year. I did nothing but stay indoors, watch tv and browse the internet. Eventually my parents told me they would call the cops on me if I didn't go to therapy. So, I went and with the help of medication and therapy I was able to go back to school. 

To be honest though, I've never been the same. Sure, I finished school and made a few friends (for a few years), but now I'm 30 and I still have no social skills. I go to work and feel isolated from everyone, then I go home (parents house) and feel lonely. Everyday is a struggle and certain times (Like tonight) I feel very depressed. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days where I didn't have to face the world and could just be unemployed. Problem is, that would be just as depressing after a while. Frankly, I don't have much hope that the rest of my life will be anymore meaningful. I'm one big socially F'ed up person and I'm at the point where I hate even attempting to meet people. Why bother? Do women like really anxious guys? hahah righttttttt... I think Charles Manson has a better chance of finding true love than I.

Anyways, ever since high school I've been a mess and that hasn't changed with age or experience. Everyday I go to work I feel the same anxiety and awkwardness that I did when I was 18


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## Kon

bluedragon said:


> u sound selfish to me,stop leeching


I can't understand how anybody with true SAD could ever say something like that. This forum sometimes confuses me?


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## kesker

Agreed, kon.

This breaks my heart. If not for a few lucky breaks, who knows, maybe I could be standing in your shoes. I am puzzled by your assertion you are happy and don't desire change. Is this something you have tell yourself in order to keep going? This seems excruciating. I hope you can find a way into the outside, if that's what you truly desire. Take care.


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## VCL XI

I've also been a total no-hoper since I left my last job almost five years ago. While I'm far from content being an avoidant parasite, it's shamefully preferable to the daily horrors of employment or school. I still look for work and keep active with creative pursuits, but it's getting harder for me to find motivation or make a real effort because I'm far more miserable when I'm struggling to be self-sufficient and getting absolutely nowhere. Then again, nearly everyone else I know pushing 30 is in a similarly desperate situation.


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## kostyalevin

Your life sounds pretty great if you ask me. It sounds like you're happy.

When's the last time you did something to make someone else happy? Like your parents. It sounds like they really love you. Do you love them back? They do a LOT for you. Do you ever do nice things for them?


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## TCyan

I appreciate all the replies and most of you talking about your own lives. I'm reading every word.



ambergris said:


> I think becoming a shut-in is about more than social anxiety. Basically, at eighteen, you made the choice not to grow up. You pressed the pause button on your life because you didn't believe you could cope with adulthood.
> 
> I'm just wondering: were your parents controlling or overprotective when you were a kid? Because if your parents have been running your entire life from birth, the idea of going it alone is pretty terrifying, and you're probably not going to feel capable of it.


I don't really feel like they were controlling. More like the never pushed me. Instead of going on a 5th grade week long camping trip, I didn't want to go, so I didn't. I tried to learn how to swim, nearly drowned, then they never pushed me to try anymore. I took Karate and earned a few belts, but didn't like fighting/sparring with the other kids, so I quit, again they didn't push me. I was an extremely stubborn kid when I was young. All I wanted to do was sit in my room and play video games. They wanted me to have some kind of extracurricular activity, and I didn't. Eventually I joined the band/marching band though, cause that was finally something I liked. But I did not like the marching band stuff. But I put up with it because it was better than taking Physical Education (P.E.). That was my worst fear. I was thought to have some kind of learning disability in elementary school, so I had basically no challenge all the way through high school. I was getting exempted from all major tests and the tests I did do were always "dumbed" down a few grade levels.



UltraShy said:


> One way I differ is that I graduated from college. Really the only reason I went to college was because it was the expected thing to do. Society sold me a pile of BS about the value of college. College also gave me a viable excuse for not getting any job from 1991-1995, as my job was student. Also, being a student was what I'd been trained to do and it was simply the natural progression from HS.
> 
> Then I graduated in May 1995 and I had a business degree. OK, now what? I wasn't able to answer that simple question, and now I sit here still living with my mother at the age of 38.
> 
> Interesting that you've never consumed alcohol. I never drank either till I was over the age of 30, so one can be a late bloomer. Now I drink virtually ever damn night (alone). I don't go to bars, as bars are where one might go with friends and I don't have any of them in real life.


Yeah, not once in my life, even now, do I know what I would like to do for a living. So that's another reason why I didn't want to go to college. I didn't know what I wanted to study for. Of course that's just one of the many reasons I didn't go, main reason being I was far too afraid, my social anxieties were beginning to come out much stronger, ect. I couldn't stand the thought of driving more than a few miles away from my house. I had so much crap going on in my mind at that time, that I would just go into panic attacks just thinking about it.

Yeah, I don't ever plan on ever drinking. That was something that was engraved in my head when I was in kindergarten. Alcohol is bad for you. So yeah, I'm never going to drink. I've never had even a slight temptation to try. It's just not for me. I don't have any friends or anything so I never go out to bars or anything like that either. I'm pretty much at home 24/7/365.



kesker said:


> Agreed, kon.
> 
> This breaks my heart. If not for a few lucky breaks, who knows, maybe I could be standing in your shoes. I am puzzled by your assertion you are happy and don't desire change. Is this something you have tell yourself in order to keep going? This seems excruciating. I hope you can find a way into the outside, if that's what you truly desire. Take care.


Well, I truly am happy. I feel like I'm a 13 year old on permanent summer vacation. I sleep as long as I want, I get 3 meals a day, I watch TV, play video games, watch anime. Life couldn't be better.

But I do understand that this is not a healthy life and this lifestyle will not last forever. But I don't care. I just don't care. I feel bad being a human leech, but not bad enough to change. It's too hard to change because anytime I do go out in public (even to a place with very little amounts of people), It's just pain and suffering all over again. My body refuses to be around strangers.



kostyalevin said:


> Your life sounds pretty great if you ask me. It sounds like you're happy.
> 
> When's the last time you did something to make someone else happy? Like your parents. It sounds like they really love you. Do you love them back? They do a LOT for you. Do you ever do nice things for them?


My parents are the best. They treat me with respect and love me very much. And I do love them back. But have I done anything nice for them? Not really. I do a few choirs around the house here and there, but that's about it. I never get them presents or anything for birthdays or Christmas, because I can't go out without risking panic attacks.


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## kunak

well since my cat threw up on my bed at 3 am ive been up reading this. Very interesting read I have to say and I can also relate to much of what you said. I really dont want to work and I can see myself being a shut in socially as I really dont talk to anyone outside of my family. I enjoy nature, thunderstorms, the night sky ect. ect. and I like to get out and enjoy it by myself. Besides that Im not to bothered by not socializing because the anxiety makes it very unpleasant at times so I have been avoiding it alot the past years without much worrying about it. The whole drinking/partying thing doesnt interest me much eathier and I dont care for it.


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## TiNGxPoPs

holy cow. i feel bad for you brotha. The only thing I can recommend is remember, you only live once. Is this the way you want to live? You are ALMOST past your prime in life. Why not try to enjoy the many wonders of life that everybody else has enjoyed?


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## amfsew40

TCyan said:


> . It's great not having any responsibilities. I know it will end someday but everything ends eventually anyway. I just don't care about the idea of having a full time job, paying bills, buying food at the grocery store, being around people socially, all that crap is awful sounding to me. .


I thought I had problems before reading all these posts, but now I have decided I am fine,
You are putting your head in the sand if you really think its allright not having any responsibilities. You dont care about not working, paying bills etc, but guess what? This is the real world, You cant spend your life depending on your parents. I would love for someone else to be paying my bills, paying my rent. No body works because they want to. Most people work because they HAVE to. Take your frigging head out of the sand and start being responsible. No welfare syustem will look after you when your partents are dead.
Maybe you think I am not terribly sympathetic to you, I do feel sorry for you being in your situation, I am horrified that a person can become like you. You also comment that your parents pushed you to do some things and then seemingly gave up. Well you also have to take responsiblilty for that too. I know what it feels like to not want to go out. I hate being sociable. I could spend my life being anti social tyo, but thats NOT REALISTIC. You say you are happy being as you are, but get some help, because you cannot live your life opting out of all responsibilities. At the very least. Bloody hell!!!


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## dutchguy

Are you sure you dont have other health isues besides the celiac? Do you eat enough calories a day?
Do eat a lot of sugar?, because that can mess up your bloodsugar level which can cause anxiety. Also stop using caffeine if you drink coffee, tea, soda.
I think its also importent you quit all things that are addictive. If you play video games all day. Stop it, if you watch television all day, stop it. Just try it for one week. See if you feel any different. Maybe you are way to much into "daydreaming/nonreality/videotelevisioninternetgamereality". Step out of that fake world. After about one week try to leave the house for something as going to a grocery store. Before you go make sure you have eaten enough. 

Just try it.

edit: I think you have to realize there is something you dont know about in life! You have never seen the other side of life. Find out where you will be easily accepted, then go do that. If you think you are accepted LAN-party then go to one.


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## dutchguy

amfsew40 said:


> I thought I had problems before reading all these posts, but now I have decided I am fine,
> You are putting your head in the sand if you really think its allright not having any responsibilities. You dont care about not working, paying bills etc, but guess what? This is the real world, You cant spend your life depending on your parents. I would love for someone else to be paying my bills, paying my rent. No body works because they want to. Most people work because they HAVE to. Take your frigging head out of the sand and start being responsible. No welfare syustem will look after you when your partents are dead.
> Maybe you think I am not terribly sympathetic to you, I do feel sorry for you being in your situation, I am horrified that a person can become like you. You also comment that your parents pushed you to do some things and then seemingly gave up. Well you also have to take responsiblilty for that too. I know what it feels like to not want to go out. I hate being sociable. I could spend my life being anti social tyo, but thats NOT REALISTIC. You say you are happy being as you are, but get some help, because you cannot live your life opting out of all responsibilities. At the very least. Bloody hell!!!


I don't think it helps him if you make him aware of things like paying bills etc. A person without a life doesn't care about such "external"things. He needs a motivation to start live again. He needs to get back in touch with his feelings. 
All the things like, working, paying bills has no meaning to some one like him. I think he wouldn't do anything if his house where on fire. He needs the joy of life. Then he can handle and make sure about things like money etc.


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## TCyan

TiNGxPoPs said:


> holy cow. i feel bad for you brotha. The only thing I can recommend is remember, you only live once. Is this the way you want to live? You are ALMOST past your prime in life. Why not try to enjoy the many wonders of life that everybody else has enjoyed?


I really don't look at it as "I'm missing out on life"... I'm living the way I want to. It feels completely natural to live this way for me. Everyone always wonders what they want to be when they grow up. I want to be a shut in.



dutchguy said:


> Are you sure you dont have other health isues besides the celiac? Do you eat enough calories a day?
> Do eat a lot of sugar?, because that can mess up your bloodsugar level which can cause anxiety. Also stop using caffeine if you drink coffee, tea, soda.
> I think its also importent you quit all things that are addictive. If you play video games all day. Stop it, if you watch television all day, stop it. Just try it for one week. See if you feel any different. Maybe you are way to much into "daydreaming/nonreality/videotelevisioninternetgamereality". Step out of that fake world. After about one week try to leave the house for something as going to a grocery store. Before you go make sure you have eaten enough.
> 
> Just try it.
> 
> edit: I think you have to realize there is something you dont know about in life! You have never seen the other side of life. Find out where you will be easily accepted, then go do that. If you think you are accepted LAN-party then go to one.


No I stay away from sugars. I don't drink coffee, tea, or soda. I only drink water, and have been for at least 10-12 years. I believe I may have something wrong with my thyroid. I burn lots of calories just sitting doing nothing, which is why I am so skinny and can't gain any weight. But yet again, I just don't care to go to the doctor. I hate taking medications. I don't even take over the counter stuff for the occasional headache or anything like that. I'm probably one of the most clean people on earth when it comes to meds.

I don't really think I am addicted to video games or tv or anything. I just do that stuff because I have nothing else to do. I can and have just sat around doing other things besides those and didn't feel like I was craving anything. I've dedicated days where I'll just clean the house the entire day and not watch any TV/play any games, and I was fine. I do yard work during the summer (just our house). An addict would push things aside or forget to do other things, I'm never this way. I'm pretty OCD so I keep up with the things my parents want me to do around the house.

If anything I'm addicted this lifestyle as a whole, because I refuse to change. But I'd rather die than change. Put me in a mental hospital in a straight jacket and padded room. I'm not changing. My panic attacks don't help either. I know I'm absolutely screwed up in the head. I just don't care.


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## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> I really don't look at it as "I'm missing out on life"... I'm living the way I want to. It feels completely natural to live this way for me. Everyone always wonders what they want to be when they grow up. I want to be a shut in.
> 
> No I stay away from sugars. I don't drink coffee, tea, or soda. I only drink water, and have been for at least 10-12 years. I believe I may have something wrong with my thyroid. I burn lots of calories just sitting doing nothing, which is why I am so skinny and can't gain any weight. But yet again, I just don't care to go to the doctor. I hate taking medications. I don't even take over the counter stuff for the occasional headache or anything like that. I'm probably one of the most clean people on earth when it comes to meds.
> 
> I don't really think I am addicted to video games or tv or anything. I just do that stuff because I have nothing else to do. I can and have just sat around doing other things besides those and didn't feel like I was craving anything. I've dedicated days where I'll just clean the house the entire day and not watch any TV/play any games, and I was fine. I do yard work during the summer (just our house). An addict would push things aside or forget to do other things, I'm never this way. I'm pretty OCD so I keep up with the things my parents want me to do around the house.
> 
> If anything I'm addicted this lifestyle as a whole, because I refuse to change. But I'd rather die than change. Put me in a mental hospital in a straight jacket and padded room. I'm not changing. My panic attacks don't help either. I know I'm absolutely screwed up in the head. I just don't care.


But why do you think you get panic attacks? Do you have low self-esteem?
Do you care what other people think of you?
Do you remember why you started a "shut in"life when you're 18?
And why don't you care enough about your health to go to a doctor? Ok you said that you don't want to take medicines but is this the only reason. Isn't smarter to first go to a doctor?


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## polardude18

Aww poor thing, I understand how you feel. I have been more or less a shut in sense the age of 16 (when I started my homeschooling) and now I am 19 and have never had a job, started college, or learned to drive. I am currently doing things to change where my life is at and become a nurse, I hope that works out.


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## Monroee

You sound like a Schizoid with Agoraphobia to me.

But that seems a little too easy to say. You mentioned that you aren't truly happy. That to me, makes me want to say that you are suppressing your emotions, & I think maybe a round of CBT could really benefit you. Of course, I'm fully aware that you're not going to do it just because I say you should. You have to want to change.


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## Tar

This advice is small, and not very constructive, but I'd say get out of your house for a week and do anything outside, only come back to sleep? You'll realise how fun you can have out there.


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## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> But why do you think you get panic attacks? Do you have low self-esteem?
> Do you care what other people think of you?
> Do you remember why you started a "shut in"life when you're 18?
> And why don't you care enough about your health to go to a doctor? Ok you said that you don't want to take medicines but is this the only reason. Isn't smarter to first go to a doctor?


Yeah I do have extremely low self-esteem, depression, SA disorder (was diagnosed with this), when ever I see people in public, I automatically think they are judging me and looking down at me. All I feel is hate towards myself. All of this leads to me having insane panic attacks. Then as I am having the panic attacks, I know I'm drawing in more attention, so that makes it even worse.

Do I remember why I became a shut in? Well, I had just quit my job. I didn't want to get another job and I was too scared to go to college because I didn't think I could handle it. Plus I hated the idea of having to drive somewhere far from home. Whenever I did drive, I never went anywhere but to school and to work, which were both close to home, the place I worked at was right across the street from my school. I'm am extremely scared of driving.

So basically, I just started living a shut in's live at that point. My parents took me to see doctors and psychiatrists and I was given anti-depression meds and stuff, but that only made me feel worse as at one point I just stayed in bed for like 4 days straight not eating and feeling extremely dead in my mind. We tried different medications and those also just made me more depressed instead of less. So we gave up on the idea that I could be fixed. So then I just live the way I am because it's the only thing I can do without feeling pain/depression.

Living like this for 12 years, I've never felt depressed but only a few times this entire time. I've just learned to enjoy being this way. It's just the way I am suppose to be.



Tar said:


> This advice is small, and not very constructive, but I'd say get out of your house for a week and do anything outside, only come back to sleep? You'll realise how fun you can have out there.


Can't really do this. I don't drive, don't have a car, and where I live, there's nothing to do within walking distance. I have no friends or anyone to hang out with. There's really no point in going outside for me. And as I said before, just being around people automatically puts me in extreme stress and I go into panic attacks. You're basically telling me "Go walk on lava, it'll be fun!" No thanks.


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## ambergris

bluedragon said:


> i cant understand selfish ppl


yeah, and lots of people don't understand trolls



amfsew40 said:


> I thought I had problems before reading all these posts, but now I have decided I am fine


Awesome, that means you can stop posting and go away.


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## KennethJones

TCyan said:


> Like I said in my opening post, I don't want to change. I like living this way. It's great not having any responsibilities. I know it will end someday but everything ends eventually anyway. I just don't care about the idea of having a full time job, paying bills, buying food at the grocery store, being around people socially, all that crap is awful sounding to me. My panic attacks basically keep me from doing anything socially anyway and I refuse to take medication. *I'm quite content right were I am.*


But are you really? I am in your exact same situation and I consider my life a nightmare.

It sounds like you are suffering. You say one thing but i can't help but think you are truly feeling something else. Maybe i am wrong. maybe i am just projecting too much.


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## Kon

bluedragon said:


> i cant understand selfish ppl


It's not selfishness. It's fear. That's what anxiety is mostly about.


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## Tar

TCyan said:


> Yeah I do have extremely low self-esteem, depression, SA disorder (was diagnosed with this), when ever I see people in public, I automatically think they are judging me and looking down at me. All I feel is hate towards myself. All of this leads to me having insane panic attacks. Then as I am having the panic attacks, I know I'm drawing in more attention, so that makes it even worse.
> 
> Do I remember why I became a shut in? Well, I had just quit my job. I didn't want to get another job and I was too scared to go to college because I didn't think I could handle it. Plus I hated the idea of having to drive somewhere far from home. Whenever I did drive, I never went anywhere but to school and to work, which were both close to home, the place I worked at was right across the street from my school. I'm am extremely scared of driving.
> 
> So basically, I just started living a shut in's live at that point. My parents took me to see doctors and psychiatrists and I was given anti-depression meds and stuff, but that only made me feel worse as at one point I just stayed in bed for like 4 days straight not eating and feeling extremely dead in my mind. We tried different medications and those also just made me more depressed instead of less. So we gave up on the idea that I could be fixed. So then I just live the way I am because it's the only thing I can do without feeling pain/depression.
> 
> Living like this for 12 years, I've never felt depressed but only a few times this entire time. I've just learned to enjoy being this way. It's just the way I am suppose to be.
> 
> Can't really do this. I don't drive, don't have a car, and where I live, there's nothing to do within walking distance. I have no friends or anyone to hang out with. There's really no point in going outside for me. And as I said before, just being around people automatically puts me in extreme stress and I go into panic attacks. You're basically telling me "Go walk on lava, it'll be fun!" No thanks.


Oh damn, sorry about that. :/


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## TCyan

KennethJones said:


> But are you really? I am in your exact same situation and I consider my life a nightmare.
> 
> It sounds like you are suffering. You say one thing but i can't help but think you are truly feeling something else. Maybe i am wrong. maybe i am just projecting too much.


Well in the sense of pure human judgment, I know what I am doing is wrong and this is not the way a person should live. In that sense, I am not happy. I do sometimes lay In bed wishing I could be normal.

But in reality, I enjoy having this life of nothingness. I remember what it was like to have responsibilities when I was in High school and when I had a job. It was a lot of work and I hated every moment of it. I realize everyone works and not everyone loves their job, but this was on a different level for me. I truly hated that lifestyle to the point that I probably would have killed myself had I not became a shut in. It was that bad.

I'm not sure exactly what brought on the extreme stress and panic attacks, but that stuff started happening soon after I quit my job. It was like my body was screaming at me that I need to just stay away from adult life and live as a child.

Maybe I am suppressing feeling as some of you say, I don't really know.


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## dutchguy

So your "shut in " is caused by social anxiety/ low self esteem. Do you agree with that?
You also realize this is not a normal life. Ok you said you're happy but being happy doesn't mean that you must keep your life unchanged. (also I almost can't believe you're truly happy, I think you don't even know what really being happy means)

Don't you think that fixing the cause of all of this. Focusing on how to fix the low self esteem, anxiety is your main job at this point?
You shouldn't focus so much on the results of all and what possible results can happen in the future. Because that is not going to help you anything.


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## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> So your "shut in " is caused by social anxiety/ low self esteem. Do you agree with that?
> You also realize this is not a normal life. Ok you said you're happy but being happy doesn't mean that you must keep your life unchanged. (also I almost can't believe you're truly happy, I think you don't even know what really being happy means)
> 
> Don't you think that fixing the cause of all of this. Focusing on how to fix the low self esteem, anxiety is your main job at this point?
> You shouldn't focus so much on the results of all and what possible results can happen in the future. Because that is not going to help you anything.


You're right, I don't know what true happiness feels like. I'm living in some fake happiness realm right here. But this is the best I can get without effort. I don't know but, I think I'm afraid of success, I'm afraid of true happiness, I'm afraid of accomplishment, I'm afraid of so many things that would lead to a normal life. I'm afraid of having a normal life. I'm too scared of everything to even bother trying. I just want to stay in my bubble forever. Then when there's nobody left to take care of me, throw me in a mental hospital so I can be in a padded room to rot the rest of my life away. Or I will commit suicide like I've said before.

You're all right, I can't really be happy if I've been contemplating suicide for the last few years. But that's just my trump card once my parents are no longer around, or if they decide to kick me out someday. It's a total last resort. I believe most people that do kill themselves don't do it because they want to, they just feel that they have no other choice, a last resort. That's how I see it, and that's the way I'm living.


----------



## LucidVision

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.


Very interesting story.

Thank you for sharing.


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> You're right, I don't know what true happiness feels like. I'm living in some fake happiness realm right here. But this is the best I can get without effort. I don't know but, I think I'm afraid of success, I'm afraid of true happiness, I'm afraid of accomplishment, I'm afraid of so many things that would lead to a normal life. I'm afraid of having a normal life. I'm too scared of everything to even bother trying. I just want to stay in my bubble forever. Then when there's nobody left to take care of me, throw me in a mental hospital so I can be in a padded room to rot the rest of my life away. Or I will commit suicide like I've said before.
> 
> You're all right, I can't really be happy if I've been contemplating suicide for the last few years. But that's just my trump card once my parents are no longer around, or if they decide to kick me out someday. It's a total last resort. I believe most people that do kill themselves don't do it because they want to, they just feel that they have no other choice, a last resort. That's how I see it, and that's the way I'm living.


I get it, I can relate to much what you write. I work part-time so thats my only confrontation with the truth. Actually I must be thankfull to myself that I still go on with that, because otherwise I wouldn't see the real world anymore and totally lost contact with it just like you now do.
I think it's very logical people seek comfort and a stress-free living. Because you suffer from SA (and maybe avoidant personality disorder) it is logic that you stay in the house and shut in because that's for you the only way to get comfort.

I think U should start working to overcome some of your SA, did you seriously do something yourself about it or at least try something in the past 12 years?
I don't mean trying to get a job or go sporting. But just try to be around people more often and prove to yourself that not all your anxious thoughts are true.
Social contact is very important for everyone. It gives meaning to your life. And inspires you to do things and brings you emotions that literally set you into motion to do something.

I think you should not give up on yourself. Don't picture a future full of awful things for yourself. You can be happy, you can be just like "everybody". Yes u will want that, maybe you can't believe it right now.

U need some friend which can pull you out of the house and takes to to places. Maybe that's your first goal, find 1 friend. Or someone that can function as one.


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## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> I get it, I can relate to much what you write. I work part-time so thats my only confrontation with the truth. Actually I must be thankfull to myself that I still go on with that, because otherwise I wouldn't see the real world anymore and totally lost contact with it just like you now do.
> I think it's very logical people seek comfort and a stress-free living. Because you suffer from SA (and maybe avoidant personality disorder) it is logic that you stay in the house and shut in because that's for you the only way to get comfort.
> 
> I think U should start working to overcome some of your SA, did you seriously do something yourself about it or at least try something in the past 12 years?
> I don't mean trying to get a job or go sporting. But just try to be around people more often and prove to yourself that not all your anxious thoughts are true.
> Social contact is very important for everyone. It gives meaning to your life. And inspires you to do things and brings you emotions that literally set you into motion to do something.
> 
> I think you should not give up on yourself. Don't picture a future full of awful things for yourself. You can be happy, you can be just like "everybody". Yes u will want that, maybe you can't believe it right now.
> 
> U need some friend which can pull you out of the house and takes to to places. Maybe that's your first goal, find 1 friend. Or someone that can function as one.


I have been out in public a few times in the last 12 years. It amazes me each time I do go out, how the city grows. Literally empty fields will suddenly have completed buildings. But yeah, I have been outside. I've gone to get my eyes checked a few times, cause I was having vision problems. I had to go to the bank a few months ago because they were over charging my bank account.

Each time I have gone out in public, all I was met with was stress. The time I went to the bank, there was only a few people there so I didn't have a panic attack, but I don't really see this as a huge accomplishment. I just see it as, I didn't panic because there was only a few people there.

Last time I went to get my eyes checked a few years ago, there were a lot of people there and I did have a panic attack. I was curled up on the floor hyperventilating like crazy and my mother had to get me out of there. So now anyone of you can say, "Well why don't you just keep making visits to public places that have a few people and eventually you'll get used to it, and then you can up it by going somewhere with more people, and just keep doing that"...

I understand that this might help, It might even solve a lot of problems down the line. But my parents don't have time to be taking me places to ease me back into public. We just don't have time for that stuff. It puts too much stress on my blood pressure and the panic attacks always feel like I'm going to die (which I'm sure everyone that has panic attacks would say). I just don't care enough to put myself through these things.

Even If I could find a friend to help me, I doubt they would want to put up with me for so long. I'd have to hire a nurse or something to help me long term, and I don't have any money. I know I just talked about the bank, yes I do have some money from when I worked, but I don't want to spend that. In 12 years, I haven't bought anything for myself.


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## kunak

Very interesting thread. I hope you stay with us on these forums and continue to post.


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## TCyan

kunak said:


> Very interesting thread. I hope you stay with us on these forums and continue to post.


Yeah I was thinking of maybe keeping some kind of blog here. I've never really kept track of my life before. I imagine I could have some stuff to say every now and then. I've been talking about myself since about 2001 on other forums that were not forums like this and were just general discussion forums. It's kind of hard to talk to people that don't know what SA is and can't really understand me. I know I'm pretty messed up, even for this forum's standards.

I hope I can at least be an example of what not to become for those on this forum that might eventually become like me. Like a scared straight program.


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## softshock11

TCyan If you think you're "happy" now imagine how truly happy you could be if you face your fears? It sucks that the programs you were in didn't challenge you enough but you should try to challenge yourself and really get more out of life. If not the most at least more than you're getting out of it now.

Find yourself, Create yourself...just don't give up on yourself.

I believe a good life is about finding the thrill in making mistakes having relationships bloom, make friends, make enemies, handle it, go through emotions and especially have experiences _outside the house_... naturally we weren't meant to be stuck in 4 walls anyway

i totally understand and can relate to the comfort of being inside and not facing the world but wouldnt you like to have more memories and experiences other than the cliffhanger at 1999?


----------



## antonina

TCyan said:


> But ever since elementary school, I was put into special classes that are for students that have trouble with their school work. I like to call it the level between the mentally challenged and the normal students. In these classes, we were extremely babied and had class work and tests that were very nerfed versions of the normal classes work.
> 
> This continued on into jr high and high school. In high school, I was exempt from all state exams and graduation exams. Half of my classes, we didn't do anything but watch movies and play with crayons all year long. I felt like I was never getting challenged at all. So through all of my high school years, I felt like I was too stupid to be in normal classes, but too smart to be in these special classes. This really screwed up my mind in a mental way that I can't really describe. I believe this is why when after I finished high school, I felt like there would be no way I could go to college. It was just a terrifying thought that I would have to be in full normal classes.
> 
> ...............


It's interesting hearing about how you felt babied in special education classes. I often see this with other special ed teachers in that they make everything so easy or just do a lot of art.

I also have one aide that wants to baby the kids and feels overly sorry for them. As I have issues I don't feel this will help them. I never was in special ed though. It's interesting to hear your perspective since you are a student of special ed.

My other question is that I wonder if they correctly diagnosed you. It sounds like you have many relatives with similar issues. You also have many food sensitivities.

I work with many students on the autism spectrum. I was wondering if you might have high functioning autism. If this is your issue, knowing that you have it might help you to learn how to live with it better.

I also think you should never give up. There was some guy that was in his forties that was making changes for the first time in his life. He was in a very similar situation to you, except he working at an online part time job. Don't give up. Also if you used to be in special education you should be eligible for services for people with disabilities.


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## CollegeKid

Their is no "Correct" way to live your life. we just have our ideal standard as a society.So im not gona say what your doing is wrong. I wish you the best.


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## TCyan

antonina said:


> It's interesting hearing about how you felt babied in special education classes. I often see this with other special ed teachers in that they make everything so easy or just do a lot of art.
> 
> I also have one aide that wants to baby the kids and feels overly sorry for them. As I have issues I don't feel this will help them. I never was in special ed though. It's interesting to hear your perspective since you are a student of special ed.
> 
> My other question is that I wonder if they correctly diagnosed you. It sounds like you have many relatives with similar issues. You also have many food sensitivities.
> 
> I work with many students on the autism spectrum. I was wondering if you might have high functioning autism. If this is your issue, knowing that you have it might help you to learn how to live with it better.
> 
> I also think you should never give up. There was some guy that was in his forties that was making changes for the first time in his life. He was in a very similar situation to you, except he working at an online part time job. Don't give up. Also if you used to be in special education you should be eligible for services for people with disabilities.


Well I wasn't really in special ed. I was in something else that is in between special ed and normal classes. It was basically normal classes, but I got far less homework and all my tests were "dumbed" down a few grade levels. So by no means was I in special education.

Basically I would attend the normal classes with everyone else, but when it was time to take a test or something like a quiz, I would be sent off to a different room with less students and there would be like 3 teachers in there that would pay extra help to each of us. Also like I said, our tests were altered to be much easier.

Like for example, a question on the test. In the normal classes, it would be a multiple choice and have like 6 choices to choose from (A,B,C,D,E,F), but in our class, that same test would only have two choices, (A,B) plus the teachers in there would basically just give us the answers because they didn't want to deal with us. I don't want to make it sound like they were improperly teaching us, but that's basically how it was. All of the students in these classes were below average students that were getting freebie help so that they could pass their classes and move on.

I just feel like I was being cheated on my education. I never got this special treatment from them because I was smart enough to blow through these altered tests because of how the multiple choices were only down to two. And like I've mentioned before, I got exempt from all state exams and the graduation exam. I was also exempt from having to take a foreign language class. All these things add up to me just feeling like crap. I didn't want all this special treatment.

I could go on and on about this too, like how my English 4 class, we didn't do anything all year long except watch movies and play with crayons. This is one of the special classes that none of the normal students would be in. There I was at 17-18 years old, not learning anything from English 4. Movies all year long, and they weren't even educational movies.

I don't know, I just have this grudge against my education, and I feel like if I had gone to college, I would have failed and wasted a bunch of my parents money. I couldn't handle that kind of responsibility.


----------



## antonina

TCyan said:


> Well I wasn't really in special ed. I was in something else that is in between special ed and normal classes. It was basically normal classes, but I got far less homework and all my tests were "dumbed" down a few grade levels. So by no means was I in special education.
> 
> Basically I would attend the normal classes with everyone else, but when it was time to take a test or something like a quiz, I would be sent off to a different room with less students and there would be like 3 teachers in there that would pay extra help to each of us. Also like I said, our tests were altered to be much easier.
> 
> Like for example, a question on the test. In the normal classes, it would be a multiple choice and have like 6 choices to choose from (A,B,C,D,E,F), but in our class, that same test would only have two choices, (A,B) plus the teachers in there would basically just give us the answers because they didn't want to deal with us. I don't want to make it sound like they were improperly teaching us, but that's basically how it was. All of the students in these classes were below average students that were getting freebie help so that they could pass their classes and move on.
> 
> I just feel like I was being cheated on my education. I never got this special treatment from them because I was smart enough to blow through these altered tests because of how the multiple choices were only down to two. And like I've mentioned before, I got exempt from all state exams and the graduation exam. I was also exempt from having to take a foreign language class. All these things add up to me just feeling like crap. I didn't want all this special treatment.
> 
> I could go on and on about this too, like how my English 4 class, we didn't do anything all year long except watch movies and play with crayons. This is one of the special classes that none of the normal students would be in. There I was at 17-18 years old, not learning anything from English 4. Movies all year long, and they weren't even educational movies.
> 
> I don't know, I just have this grudge against my education, and I feel like if I had gone to college, I would have failed and wasted a bunch of my parents money. I couldn't handle that kind of responsibility.


It sounds like you were in the resource specialist program, which is special education. Students go to all the general education classes but get pulled out for tests. They also get many accommodations. They also may have one special class.

It is unfortunate though that many programs like these aren't run the right way. If you were exempt from state exams you had to have an IEP or at least a 504 plan. This doesn't mean you are not intelligent only that you learn differently.

I have students in my SDC class that have IQs of 120, but they have severe behavior problems and don't function in the regular class.

I have one boy who has Asperger's (on the autism spectrum) and he was having huge anxiety attacks in the regular class so he comes to my class to do his work. He also has huge issues with social skills. Over the year and with my help he has managed to make a small group of friends.

You should check out what kind of services you could get. I know at the very least you can qualify for disability services just for having a psychiatric disorder.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at school.


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## kingjay

Well, you can't blame your parents for that, you have to get out and do what you have to do, it is your responsibility to do so, no one elses!


----------



## Darkrian

This is scary that I can relate to you in almost exactly every way. Except I don't have nearly as bad anxiety as you do in social situations and I can go out in public fine and do things, but I still get lots of anxiety in situational circumstances. I am also depressed which results in those bitter sweet feelings about how you're happy, but you're not. And how you want to change, but you don't. Or how you have a fear of being successful. I don't know what causes it. But I suffer closely to the same things you do. I am miserable, but at the same time happy with my life. It is strange indeed. People from the outside who don't understand always judge and it's terrible. The only difference is I am 19 and my parents made me move out with my Uncle because they believed they were enabling me (when it had nothing to do with them), and I am now under support of social assistance financially because without it, I probably would have ran out to the forest and just starved to death, which I would have preferred. But I can't exactly do that to my family who know I have a very high potential in life with high standards and very good talents in a variety of subjects. Sucks that I can't apply them. Almost like having a Bugatti Veyron but a crappy 2 cylinder 5 HP engine in the front that can only jerk the wheels forward momentarily but will never get them moving. To top it off, the only way of coping with that is to refer to Nihilism to convince myself that I am no different than let's say, a grain of sand perhaps, which is actually true. Only in a scientific sense (I suppose).


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> I have been out in public a few times in the last 12 years. It amazes me each time I do go out, how the city grows. Literally empty fields will suddenly have completed buildings. But yeah, I have been outside. I've gone to get my eyes checked a few times, cause I was having vision problems. I had to go to the bank a few months ago because they were over charging my bank account.
> 
> Each time I have gone out in public, all I was met with was stress. The time I went to the bank, there was only a few people there so I didn't have a panic attack, but I don't really see this as a huge accomplishment. I just see it as, I didn't panic because there was only a few people there.
> 
> Last time I went to get my eyes checked a few years ago, there were a lot of people there and I did have a panic attack. I was curled up on the floor hyperventilating like crazy and my mother had to get me out of there. So now anyone of you can say, "Well why don't you just keep making visits to public places that have a few people and eventually you'll get used to it, and then you can up it by going somewhere with more people, and just keep doing that"...
> 
> I understand that this might help, It might even solve a lot of problems down the line. But my parents don't have time to be taking me places to ease me back into public. We just don't have time for that stuff. It puts too much stress on my blood pressure and the panic attacks always feel like I'm going to die (which I'm sure everyone that has panic attacks would say). I just don't care enough to put myself through these things.
> 
> Even If I could find a friend to help me, I doubt they would want to put up with me for so long. I'd have to hire a nurse or something to help me long term, and I don't have any money. I know I just talked about the bank, yes I do have some money from when I worked, but I don't want to spend that. In 12 years, I haven't bought anything for myself.


Your panic attacks sounds very serious. I have no experiences with them. I see why exposure don't works for you. I think exposure for a lot of people don't works if they hold on to there false ego.

Can't you get therapie for this?

Are there certain sort of thoughts before/in your panic attack? Can you see some connection like"I do this I think this then I start to hyperventilate, then I get a panic attack"?

Is it possible to get a panic attack while you're cycling a decent speed?
I think it would be a great way to exposure self to the outside world. While you still hold some "control".


----------



## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> Your panic attacks sounds very serious. I have no experiences with them. I see why exposure don't works for you. I think exposure for a lot of people don't works if they hold on to there false ego.
> 
> Can't you get therapie for this?
> 
> Are there certain sort of thoughts before/in your panic attack? Can you see some connection like"I do this I think this then I start to hyperventilate, then I get a panic attack"?
> 
> Is it possible to get a panic attack while you're cycling a decent speed?
> I think it would be a great way to exposure self to the outside world. While you still hold some "control".


I never wanted to try therapy. The doctors that wanted me to do it would talk about how they would just force me to do things that I'm in fear of. And that was back 12 years ago before my panic attacks were as strong as they are now. I can't imagine trying now.

My thought process during a panic attack? Yeah I can sometimes feel it building up just before it happens. It's far too difficult to control, so I just let it out.

Cycling? I never learned. We don't have any bicycles either.


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> I never wanted to try therapy. The doctors that wanted me to do it would talk about how they would just force me to do things that I'm in fear of. And that was back 12 years ago before my panic attacks were as strong as they are now. I can't imagine trying now.
> 
> My thought process during a panic attack? Yeah I can sometimes feel it building up just before it happens. It's far too difficult to control, so I just let it out.
> 
> Cycling? I never learned. We don't have any bicycles either.


mm..Go find therapy then. It doesn't matter you didn't want it before. Even if you now don't want it. Just do it, begin things you don't want to do. The danger of being so isolated(including myself) is that you get way to much in your head. I can think all day and night about how this, how that, can't do this, because of that. Sometimes you have to step out of your own thinking and just do things. It will bring your focus/concentration on something else then your own (not working) brain.

Start experience things yourself not only think about it. Thinking about something is very different of experiencing something.


----------



## Reposada

I have read all the posts in this thread and am fascinated by your story, TCyan - and also everyone's responses. I'm in my 50s and have lived with this mess, though not to the same extent. Back in my day, I hated my parents and had to get out, managed to find a boyfriend, one bad husband, and finally a good one, had 2 kids, etc., but stumbled through over a dozen jobs, always quitting fairly soon (the longest lasted a year or so) because of my misery in having to deal with people. (I grew up very isolated with no sibs, a sociopathic mother and a stepfather who disliked me, just a ridiculous almost feral upbringing - well, sorry - I think I rambled off on that because I'm new here.)

Anyway, I do have some advice that I hope you'll consider. I'm sure your parents and brother do care about you and perhaps they could help you with a plan to qualify for SSI, which would enable you to survive after your parents can no longer support you. It's about $700 a month but you also can get food stamps (and some delivery places like Schwan's or whatever do take foodstamps or you might could find a way to force yourself out once a month to buy food?) - and you'd also qualify for Medicaid in case you needed healthcare.

Now you'd have to dig deep (as you may have done when you went to the bank?) and find the courage to find ONE doctor who'd help you qualify. However, instead of looking for a doctor to help, you could just first apply to the Social Security Administration and list your extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks (the major symptom of generalized anxiety order) and also please emphasize your Celiac disease and the fact that due to not being able to process/digest food properly, you're frequently exhausted and don't have the energy, just from that physical disease, to work. Use whatever tactic ends up qualifying you - and you DO have several qualifying conditions. I'm thinking the Celiac disease may be the best main diagnosis that qualifies you (and it's easy to find doctors to keep signing the renewals every year or whatever they require to remain qualified) 

If you are denied, get your family to go to a lawyer to help you. They can only charge a flat amount ONCE and you don't pay them if you're denied. And THEY can handle most everything with the lawyer, meaning you'd only have to occasionally personally appear somewhere to give testimony or whatever - don't worry about that now, you might not have to do it much - and just "gut" your way through it by dissociation, reciting poetry in your head, just whatEVER to get that qualification.

I believe the Social Security people would want you to go to THEIR doctors anyway which would save you the step of trying to seek out medical help before you apply. Maybe your brother or parent(s) could go with you to the Social Security office, if need be, but you can start the application completely online or on the phone.

Due to the special nature of your problems - severe social phobia - your parent(s) and/or brother could explain to the social security person that you actually CAN'T talk on the phone or visit them -- or at least if you do, you're likely to become very ill and have an attack. Then if you must get on that phone or go to that office, you know they're forewarned of your extreme embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and likelihood of running away or fainting or curling up in the corner -- hell, it's your future LIFE we're talking about -- so just force yourself to go and whatever happens, it's ok. The end result could be decades of peaceful, contented life! It's worth a bit of battling for that, isn't it?

In my opinion, there's NOTHING wrong with being a hermit by choice. History is full of examples and it used to be a respected choice, among spiritually inclined people - or maybe just anyone who had that kind of personality. It's harder now (due to the need for so much money!) but also easier in some ways (Internet, ordering food online to be delivered - though I don't know if Amazon grocery store takes food stamps, but I know the Schwan trucks do and you could at least survive on that, but I think you could probably find a way to get some beans, rice, and dried milk - or whatever basic staples you can digest - delivered to your house through an online shop? (and if you could find a way to get your parents to leave you their house, that would help enormously)

Well, I'm rambling -- but I can tell by your posts that you are an extremely intelligent person - and from your comment about a recent successful trip to the bank - I honestly believe that you could pull this off, and just go ahead and accept your conditions and try to plan for your future past your parents' ability to cope. Oh -- and if you lived in your parent's home, perhaps your brother could bring you your groceries bought with your food-stamps? (assuming this plan works and I just feel 99% sure it WOULD if you made it your mission)

I don't know what part of the country you live in, but in the cheapest areas, you can get an efficiency or rent a trailer and pay utilities (just barely) with the SSI check - and then use foodstamps for food. Maybe you could move near your brother so you'd have someone to do the occasional essential interacting that you couldn't manage? And if you do yardwork, perhaps you could grow some of your food? Well, that gets into money - ordering seed and probably needing to interact with people at the farm co-op store, etc.

Sorry to go on, but I think it's perfectly FINE to be a hermit - it's just such a shame that your support system may disappear on you when you're still a relatively young person and then you might die due to this insidious disease, complicated by your physical ailments. I hope you find a way! Good luck.


----------



## Dumbfounded1

Jam. I didn't read all the responses, but I enjoyed the original post. I have delved way deep into the mind, it's working and such, I found this post to be pretty enteraining. I'm at a new low in life, like the bulk of that beautiful energy I was born with is dead and opportunities to use it have permenantly passed. First time experiencing numbness, not just towards people and the world, but at my singular, dire situation. Like from this point life will never be anything but a fraction of what it could have been, and I'll always know it. Chance is the determining factor....

The biggest problem of this life thing is perception, because we as people can choose what we want to believe. I don't actually know much about you or where your head's at TC, but I'll give you these 2 cents. A lot of people are simple minded and life passes them by. Some are more perceptive and keen. They often feel strong urges and thoughts that govern their bodies and their lives that they can't understand. They don't even have the capacity to explain what's wrong. But YOU. You are fairly perceptive, yet very articulate.


----------



## TCyan

Reposada said:


> I have read all the posts in this thread and am fascinated by your story, TCyan - and also everyone's responses. I'm in my 50s and have lived with this mess, though not to the same extent. Back in my day, I hated my parents and had to get out, managed to find a boyfriend, one bad husband, and finally a good one, had 2 kids, etc., but stumbled through over a dozen jobs, always quitting fairly soon (the longest lasted a year or so) because of my misery in having to deal with people. (I grew up very isolated with no sibs, a sociopathic mother and a stepfather who disliked me, just a ridiculous almost feral upbringing - well, sorry - I think I rambled off on that because I'm new here.)
> 
> Anyway, I do have some advice that I hope you'll consider. I'm sure your parents and brother do care about you and perhaps they could help you with a plan to qualify for SSI, which would enable you to survive after your parents can no longer support you. It's about $700 a month but you also can get food stamps (and some delivery places like Schwan's or whatever do take foodstamps or you might could find a way to force yourself out once a month to buy food?) - and you'd also qualify for Medicaid in case you needed healthcare.
> 
> Now you'd have to dig deep (as you may have done when you went to the bank?) and find the courage to find ONE doctor who'd help you qualify. However, instead of looking for a doctor to help, you could just first apply to the Social Security Administration and list your extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks (the major symptom of generalized anxiety order) and also please emphasize your Celiac disease and the fact that due to not being able to process/digest food properly, you're frequently exhausted and don't have the energy, just from that physical disease, to work. Use whatever tactic ends up qualifying you - and you DO have several qualifying conditions. I'm thinking the Celiac disease may be the best main diagnosis that qualifies you (and it's easy to find doctors to keep signing the renewals every year or whatever they require to remain qualified)
> 
> If you are denied, get your family to go to a lawyer to help you. They can only charge a flat amount ONCE and you don't pay them if you're denied. And THEY can handle most everything with the lawyer, meaning you'd only have to occasionally personally appear somewhere to give testimony or whatever - don't worry about that now, you might not have to do it much - and just "gut" your way through it by dissociation, reciting poetry in your head, just whatEVER to get that qualification.
> 
> I believe the Social Security people would want you to go to THEIR doctors anyway which would save you the step of trying to seek out medical help before you apply. Maybe your brother or parent(s) could go with you to the Social Security office, if need be, but you can start the application completely online or on the phone.
> 
> Due to the special nature of your problems - severe social phobia - your parent(s) and/or brother could explain to the social security person that you actually CAN'T talk on the phone or visit them -- or at least if you do, you're likely to become very ill and have an attack. Then if you must get on that phone or go to that office, you know they're forewarned of your extreme embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and likelihood of running away or fainting or curling up in the corner -- hell, it's your future LIFE we're talking about -- so just force yourself to go and whatever happens, it's ok. The end result could be decades of peaceful, contented life! It's worth a bit of battling for that, isn't it?
> 
> In my opinion, there's NOTHING wrong with being a hermit by choice. History is full of examples and it used to be a respected choice, among spiritually inclined people - or maybe just anyone who had that kind of personality. It's harder now (due to the need for so much money!) but also easier in some ways (Internet, ordering food online to be delivered - though I don't know if Amazon grocery store takes food stamps, but I know the Schwan trucks do and you could at least survive on that, but I think you could probably find a way to get some beans, rice, and dried milk - or whatever basic staples you can digest - delivered to your house through an online shop? (and if you could find a way to get your parents to leave you their house, that would help enormously)
> 
> Well, I'm rambling -- but I can tell by your posts that you are an extremely intelligent person - and from your comment about a recent successful trip to the bank - I honestly believe that you could pull this off, and just go ahead and accept your conditions and try to plan for your future past your parents' ability to cope. Oh -- and if you lived in your parent's home, perhaps your brother could bring you your groceries bought with your food-stamps? (assuming this plan works and I just feel 99% sure it WOULD if you made it your mission)
> 
> I don't know what part of the country you live in, but in the cheapest areas, you can get an efficiency or rent a trailer and pay utilities (just barely) with the SSI check - and then use foodstamps for food. Maybe you could move near your brother so you'd have someone to do the occasional essential interacting that you couldn't manage? And if you do yardwork, perhaps you could grow some of your food? Well, that gets into money - ordering seed and probably needing to interact with people at the farm co-op store, etc.
> 
> Sorry to go on, but I think it's perfectly FINE to be a hermit - it's just such a shame that your support system may disappear on you when you're still a relatively young person and then you might die due to this insidious disease, complicated by your physical ailments. I hope you find a way! Good luck.


I appreciate your time in writing this post. This does look very promising.

But the problem is, I've never actually been diagnosed with whatever I have that causes these panic attacks. I've only been diagnosed with depression and SAD. The panic attacks came up after I quit going to the doctors.

Also, the celiac disease, I've never been officially diagnosed with celiac disease either. I only recently (about summer of 09) changed my diet to a gluten free diet. The reason I changed my diet was because I have had stomach problems all of my life and we never really could figure out why. I think even trips to the doctor as a kid, they never could figure out out either, they would just say I'm not digesting food properly or whatever, it's been forever ago.

Anyway, around the summer of 09, I started having even more problems with my stomach and was having cramping all the time. My uncle right around that time was officially diagnosed with celiac disease and so my mother just figured maybe it was possible that I had the same thing. So I agreed to change my diet to gluten free. It's been about two years now on this diet and I have to admit, my stomach problems have mostly gone away. Apparently it takes several years for your stomach to heal itself.

But I don't know if it's actually celiac or if it was just the change in diet that helped me. We've thought about getting a test done for celiac but I either have to go to the doctor and have a tube shoved down my throat into my stomach, or we have to pay like $200 to mail in a saliva test. I sure don't want to go to the doctors obviously, and I just feel like spending $200 is a waste of money.

But I guess if I have to get tested in order to apply for SSI, then we might have to think about it. I'm just afraid if it turns out I don't have celiac, then that's going to be one less thing I can use to get SSI.

I've read on other forums about agoraphobics getting SSI, but they always lose it after a few months because they have to reapply or something, and it get denied. I don't know what this means, but I don't like the idea of it.

I never talk to my parents about all this what I call "adult" stuff. So they could be doing things behind my back in order to help secure my future, at least leave the home to me and things like that. But I don't think we're getting government money for my "disability".

Also, I'm extremely afraid If I were to go talk to the social security people, what If it's a nice quiet room with only one guy, and I don't have any panic attacks? I can be completely calm in some situations. It really just comes at random. They would have to put me in a room full of people and make me panic in order to confirm I really do have this thing. It's all just a little too unreliable to me though. I can't guarantee I'll have a panic attack in a room full of people either.

I feel like I'd have to go through an entire body exam so they could see if my thyroid is messed up, if I have any problems with my brain, ect, ect.

This is why I just avoid life all together. I don't want to deal with any of this. Even if I was magically cured from panic attacks right now, I'd still want to avoid public situations.

It's stressful even thinking about doing this, and I haven't even decided anything yet.


----------



## Nick9075

I am age 36 and reaching this stage myself. I have be un or underemployed for the past 2 years and just lost another temp job after two days after I started because the temp agency pulled my credit report and saw all of the credit cards that have been chargedoff. How does someone get ahead or associate with anyone in society when unemployed or underemployed people are seen as losers & tards??

I have no friends, literally no one other than my father that I can talk to and have zero job prospects. Oh, I have a BA in Accounting & MS in Finance. Both are worthless because of my bad employment background.

Don't get to your mid 30's or worse because then you will find your options are very very limited.

Oh I would love to 'get out of this state' and get some help but no one accepts anyone on the states (Massachusetts) health insurance program and therapists & psychologists charge $500 per session at least

Myself, I have an inheritance plus savings of almost $300,000 but I feel like I will be in this same place in four years at the rate I am going


----------



## Kon

Nick9075 said:


> I am age 36 and reaching this stage myself. I have be un or underemployed for the past 2 years and just lost another temp job after two days after I started because the temp agency pulled my credit report and saw all of the credit cards that have been chargedoff. How does someone get ahead or associate with anyone in society when unemployed or underemployed people are seen as losers & tards??
> 
> I have no friends, literally no one other than my father that I can talk to and have zero job prospects. Oh, I have a BA in Accounting & MS in Finance. Both are worthless because of my bad employment background.
> 
> Don't get to your mid 30's or worse because then you will find your options are very very limited.
> 
> Myself, I have an inheritance plus savings of almost $300,000 but I feel like I will be in this same place in four years at the rate I am going


Not trying to compare battle-scars but what the hell...I know where you're coming from. I was there. And with a less job-oriented degree (B.Sc.). I also had a greater debt (student loans and credit cards of ~$100,000) and creditors were hounding me. I had 0-1 friend as I basically hung around my parents and the library. No girlfriend, either. It didn't bother me except for all the constant criticism from others. As weird as it sounds, I actually had a great time doing stuff on my own (e.g. reading, cycling, training) except for the criticism part and the lack of sex/companionship.

I also didn't have any inheritance or assets. If I had $300,000 at that time, I would have been ecstatic. I managed to turn it around (societal-speaking) in my late 30s. Somewhat due to medication but mostly due to luck (meeting 1 person who helped/guided me). I don't know how common this is but weird/unexpected things do happen. I still messed up more recently but I'm in pretty good shape (e.g. financially).


----------



## Nick9075

Kon said:


> I also didn't have any inheritance or assets. If I had $300,000 at that time, I would have been ecstatic. I managed to turn it around (societal-speaking) in my late 30s. Somewhat due to medication but mostly due to luck (meeting 1 person who helped/guided me). I don't know how common this is but weird/unexpected things do happen. I still messed up more recently but I'm in pretty good shape (e.g. financially).


I have enough to live on for about 40 months until I am homeless. And no I don't give a **** about doing stuff like 'traveling the world', blowing it on whatever --- I just want a normal life and not constantly get **** on by everyone because everyone seems so darn petty & vindictive these days. 
How can you turn it around at this age?? at least careerwise when it seems like your career history follows you forever (at least bad credit generally disappears after 7 years)...

And also someone with no career history and not much work history cannot just go out and 'get a job' (no offense to the OP or those suggesting it). It doesn't work like that in todays economy when you must have a rock solid employment history and meet 100% of requirements to get considered for even the lowest job


----------



## rctriplefresh5

bloodswordfire1473 said:


> hey that was a great read


agreed


----------



## Chantal

Sounds like me for 7+ years. The only reason I'm not a complete shut-in anymore is that I was forced to get a job after ending up homeless last year. 

Wish I had better advice.


----------



## SolaceChaser

Lose your unproductive habits one activity at a time. It takes step by step. Start doing more productive things, even if it's in your house. Try some cbt or a religion. I was in your situation once, but I FORCED myself to try different things, even shrooms (awesome). Step by step, even when I was feeling like giving up, I kept my faith in myself. No way Im going out like that. You have gifts you have to unlock, your disease is your talent.


----------



## donttalkmuch

TCyan said:


> I appreciate your time in writing this post. This does look very promising.
> 
> But the problem is, I've never actually been diagnosed with whatever I have that causes these panic attacks. I've only been diagnosed with depression and SAD. The panic attacks came up after I quit going to the doctors.
> 
> Also, the celiac disease, I've never been officially diagnosed with celiac disease either. I only recently (about summer of 09) changed my diet to a gluten free diet. The reason I changed my diet was because I have had stomach problems all of my life and we never really could figure out why. I think even trips to the doctor as a kid, they never could figure out out either, they would just say I'm not digesting food properly or whatever, it's been forever ago.
> 
> Anyway, around the summer of 09, I started having even more problems with my stomach and was having cramping all the time. My uncle right around that time was officially diagnosed with celiac disease and so my mother just figured maybe it was possible that I had the same thing. So I agreed to change my diet to gluten free. It's been about two years now on this diet and I have to admit, my stomach problems have mostly gone away. Apparently it takes several years for your stomach to heal itself.
> 
> But I don't know if it's actually celiac or if it was just the change in diet that helped me. We've thought about getting a test done for celiac but I either have to go to the doctor and have a tube shoved down my throat into my stomach, or we have to pay like $200 to mail in a saliva test. I sure don't want to go to the doctors obviously, and I just feel like spending $200 is a waste of money.
> 
> But I guess if I have to get tested in order to apply for SSI, then we might have to think about it. I'm just afraid if it turns out I don't have celiac, then that's going to be one less thing I can use to get SSI.
> 
> I've read on other forums about agoraphobics getting SSI, but they always lose it after a few months because they have to reapply or something, and it get denied. I don't know what this means, but I don't like the idea of it.
> 
> I never talk to my parents about all this what I call "adult" stuff. So they could be doing things behind my back in order to help secure my future, at least leave the home to me and things like that. But I don't think we're getting government money for my "disability".
> 
> Also, I'm extremely afraid If I were to go talk to the social security people, what If it's a nice quiet room with only one guy, and I don't have any panic attacks? I can be completely calm in some situations. It really just comes at random. They would have to put me in a room full of people and make me panic in order to confirm I really do have this thing. It's all just a little too unreliable to me though. I can't guarantee I'll have a panic attack in a room full of people either.
> 
> I feel like I'd have to go through an entire body exam so they could see if my thyroid is messed up, if I have any problems with my brain, ect, ect.
> 
> This is why I just avoid life all together. I don't want to deal with any of this. Even if I was magically cured from panic attacks right now, I'd still want to avoid public situations.
> 
> It's stressful even thinking about doing this, and I haven't even decided anything yet.


It seems like you don't want help or want to change then. You have an excuse for everything. The first step to get help is going to the doctor, and if you're unwilling to do that, then...


----------



## donttalkmuch

Reposada said:


> I have read all the posts in this thread and am fascinated by your story, TCyan - and also everyone's responses. I'm in my 50s and have lived with this , complicated by your physical ailments.


Resposada, thank you for taking the time to make this post. I share *a lot* of similarities to the original poster, and I will be taking some of your advice. :yes


----------



## rctriplefresh5

TCyan said:


> I appreciate your time in writing this post. This does look very promising.
> 
> But the problem is, I've never actually been diagnosed with whatever I have that causes these panic attacks. I've only been diagnosed with depression and SAD. The panic attacks came up after I quit going to the doctors.
> 
> Also, the celiac disease, I've never been officially diagnosed with celiac disease either. I only recently (about summer of 09) changed my diet to a gluten free diet. The reason I changed my diet was because I have had stomach problems all of my life and we never really could figure out why. I think even trips to the doctor as a kid, they never could figure out out either, they would just say I'm not digesting food properly or whatever, it's been forever ago.
> 
> Anyway, around the summer of 09, I started having even more problems with my stomach and was having cramping all the time. My uncle right around that time was officially diagnosed with celiac disease and so my mother just figured maybe it was possible that I had the same thing. So I agreed to change my diet to gluten free. It's been about two years now on this diet and I have to admit, my stomach problems have mostly gone away. Apparently it takes several years for your stomach to heal itself.
> 
> But I don't know if it's actually celiac or if it was just the change in diet that helped me. We've thought about getting a test done for celiac but I either have to go to the doctor and have a tube shoved down my throat into my stomach, or we have to pay like $200 to mail in a saliva test. I sure don't want to go to the doctors obviously, and I just feel like spending $200 is a waste of money.
> 
> But I guess if I have to get tested in order to apply for SSI, then we might have to think about it. I'm just afraid if it turns out I don't have celiac, then that's going to be one less thing I can use to get SSI.
> 
> I've read on other forums about agoraphobics getting SSI, but they always lose it after a few months because they have to reapply or something, and it get denied. I don't know what this means, but I don't like the idea of it.
> 
> I never talk to my parents about all this what I call "adult" stuff. So they could be doing things behind my back in order to help secure my future, at least leave the home to me and things like that. But I don't think we're getting government money for my "disability".
> 
> Also, I'm extremely afraid If I were to go talk to the social security people, what If it's a nice quiet room with only one guy, and I don't have any panic attacks? I can be completely calm in some situations. It really just comes at random. They would have to put me in a room full of people and make me panic in order to confirm I really do have this thing. It's all just a little too unreliable to me though. I can't guarantee I'll have a panic attack in a room full of people either.
> 
> I feel like I'd have to go through an entire body exam so they could see if my thyroid is messed up, if I have any problems with my brain, ect, ect.
> 
> This is why I just avoid life all together. I don't want to deal with any of this. Even if I was magically cured from panic attacks right now, I'd still want to avoid public situations.
> 
> It's stressful even thinking about doing this, and I haven't even decided anything yet.


i have ssi and food stamps...but one thing you msut remember is that you need a legal address to get them...and if your parents are dead you can';t


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## AlphaHydrae

I didn't read everything.
However, I suggest that you do find something to do, you don't know how long your parents can support you. 

You can still get a job or something and continue with your so called "relax" life.

I just think life might be more bright or fun or at least for yourself, you will explore more. When a person find something new and fun facts, they become more hyped.


----------



## ZRebellion

people in this topic should lighten up
all in all he's not living that bad of a life
having fun gaming,surfing on the net,without to much worries

yes it's not a good life by a society pov
but there are a _*LOT*_ worse things to live through
war,violence,terrible diseases or accidents....no matter how ****ed up you think your life is,it's not that bad,you're actually living a good life


----------



## Reposada

I hope things works out for you, DontTalkMuch. And everybody here. There's always something you can at least think about trying to do. Oh - and if you have any relative, like a sibling, you could use that as a permanent address, assuming you're homeless.

There's also a program called "SSDI" and if your working parent is dead - either one of them I guess - and if they worked enough quarters to qualify (10 quarters I think?), then you could apply for SSDI on their record - at least if your condition started before the age of 22 - oh I don't know the details but it's worth checking to see if there's a way to qualify for that program.

Are there any jobs where you need to interact very little with people? I don't understand all those people who talk about online work opportunities - as TCyan said, I believe, you have to be a telemarketer or talk on the phone alot? That wouldn't be very good for severe social phobia - I guess. Night watchman seems a bit scary but might fit the bill somewhat? 

Working behind the counter at a 7-11 or hotel would require dealing with people, but my strange form of social phobia tended to not show up with strangers, especially when it was just one or two. Parties are my world's worst fear. Well, any kind of thing where I'm expected to be "witty" and sparkling and all the crap, so even a lunch out with a friend turns into a trembly, sweating trauma - yet when I did work, it wasn't really the public that got to me, so I think I could probably do the hotel counter work or even hotel maid type thing, as long as the boss wasn't too horrible.

With more big box businesses being open 24 hours, maybe a shift from 11pm to 7am or something wouldn't require too many people? Anybody else have ideas for jobs with little "mingling" required with other people?


----------



## modus

ZRebellion said:


> people in this topic should lighten up
> all in all he's not living that bad of a life
> having fun gaming,surfing on the net,without to much worries


True, we don't need to remind him of what he's done, I'm sure he's aware of all the criticism he'd receive anyway. I don't even want to criticize him though.. all I feel for him is pity. My impression is that he feels unfulfilled but the draw of his instant gratification lifestyle is too strong. I've been there, addicted to games and leeching off parents. To be honest, I don't even think I was human back then. I was so far gone that the one and only thing that mattered was food and games.

I wasn't even capable of making the decision to snap out of it until my parents forced me to stop. Maybe that's not the case for OP but the way he describes his situation echoes my experiences so closely that I have to wonder.


----------



## J Dynamo

Get your D wet before you die dude, Make it a goal. Pay for it if you have to


----------



## Kon

ZRebellion said:


> people in this topic should lighten up
> all in all he's not living that bad of a life
> having fun gaming,surfing on the net,without to much worries
> 
> yes it's not a good life by a society pov
> but there are a _*LOT*_ worse things to live through
> war,violence,terrible diseases or accidents....no matter how ****ed up you think your life is,it's not that bad,you're actually living a good life


I agree. In some ways I envy the OP except for the fact that he doesn't get to be outside with nature. For me that is the greatest pleasure along with reading/learning and creating stuff. Sex is kind of nice too. People are being way overly judgemental. The only problem is in the future if the money runs out. That will be difficult, so he should find someway to plan for that.


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## TCyan

exobyte said:


> True, we don't need to remind him of what he's done, I'm sure he's aware of all the criticism he'd receive anyway. I don't even want to criticize him though.. all I feel for him is pity. My impression is that he feels unfulfilled but the draw of his instant gratification lifestyle is too strong. I've been there, addicted to games and leeching off parents. To be honest, I don't even think I was human back then. I was so far gone that the one and only thing that mattered was food and games.
> 
> I wasn't even capable of making the decision to snap out of it until my parents forced me to stop. Maybe that's not the case for OP but the way he describes his situation echoes my experiences so closely that I have to wonder.


I just have no reason to want to change. My life is far too easy right now. It's like telling a billionaire that sits in his mansion doing nothing for 12 years to say "Hey, give ALL of your money to charity and go live poor for awhile, see how it feels", I doubt many billionaires would want to just up and change their lifestyle.

I know it's not exactly like that example, but it's just extremely hard for me to be motivated to want to change my life to something that will most definitely be difficult, stressful, a growing experience, a life experience, and all that jazz, when I can just say "No" and sit here in the comfort of fantasy life, that's a true fantasy for the time being.

And like I've said before, I'm not addicted to games or tv. I just don't have anything else to do, so I do those things. I can stop playing games and watching tv whenever I want. It's not the games/TV that are keeping me from going outside, it's the panic attacks and stress from SA that are keeping me from going outside.

But as I said, even if I were magically cured, I think it would be difficult to just jump back into society. That's why convicts that have been in jail for decades need to slowly be reintroduced to society. That's kind of what I need, but not until I figure out my panic attacks and SA, which sadly I can't, and I don't really want to. I feel like these things are just apart of who I am. It would be like chopping off one of my arms to suddenly lose my panic attacks and SA.

See, it's extremely hard for me. Part of me wants to have a normal life, but at the same time, I see how you all and a lot of people have a lot of problems in your everyday lives. It's very scary for me. Life looks too damn hard for me. I'd rather not live with a minimum wage income and just barely squeaking by on bills and everything else.

So I think I'm just going to continue to ride this boat until it sinks.



J Dynamo said:


> Get your D wet before you die dude, Make it a goal. Pay for it if you have to


Apparently you're a "loser" if you're like 25+ years old and still a virgin. Well I must be a loser then. I don't mind. I like women very much, but I don't think I could perform both as a partner or in sex when I'm as messed up as I am. I've been away from human interaction for so long now, I don't even know how I could manage. I really just don't think about this anymore. Honestly, thousands of people die everyday that are still virgins. It's not a big deal. It's not like some major accomplishment people must obtain. Only society makes it that.



Kon said:


> I agree. In some ways I envy the OP except for the fact that he doesn't get to be outside with nature. For me that is the greatest pleasure along with reading/learning and creating stuff. Sex is kind of nice too. People are being way overly judgemental. The only problem is in the future if the money runs out. That will be difficult, so he should find someway to plan for that.


My parents do plan on leaving the house to me, and that's paid off. So I will have some money leftover after they pass on from life insurance or what not. The problem will be, how long will I survive after that? But right now, I just don't care about even thinking about it.


----------



## modus

Alright, guess I assumed wrong about game addiction in particular but not really about pleasure/comfort addiction. Can I blame you if you're comfortable? No, because you my be right. Maybe "who we are" isn't a choice.

Like I said, I don't want to judge, only analyze.. it just seems like it's not what you want but what you'll settle for. But you're right about how hard it is to recover. At the worst of times, I had a vicious panic attack during a psych session. At the best of times, I'd feel optimistic about what might be. I've reaped no rewards yet, other than some self-respect.

The hardest part of recovery is accepting that you will fail hundreds of times and trusting that the 1,256,324th time you'll succeed. It feels like we're looking for a straw of hay in a needle stack, sometimes we doubt the straw is even in there.

What a wonderful existence.


----------



## Man Is An Island

exobyte said:


> Alright, guess I assumed wrong about game addiction in particular but not really about pleasure/comfort addiction. Can I blame you if you're comfortable? No, because you my be right. Maybe "who we are" isn't a choice.
> 
> Like I said, I don't want to judge, only analyze.. it just seems like it's not what you want but what you'll settle for. But you're right about how hard it is to recover. At the worst of times, I had a vicious panic attack during a psych session. At the best of times, I'd feel optimistic about what might be. I've reaped no rewards yet, other than some self-respect.
> 
> *The hardest part of recovery is accepting that you will fail hundreds of times and trusting that the 1,256,324th time you'll succeed. It feels like we're looking for a straw of hay in a needle stack, sometimes we doubt the straw is even in there.*
> 
> What a wonderful existence.


I don't think I've seen the essence of my life captured so precisely. When the odds are so improbable and you have not experienced even the slightest of successes with a great deal of effort, you simply have to resign yourself to the reality that you will be on the losing side of life. If I had some talent or ability that would provide a glimmer of hope, I could have some faith in that. Unfortunately, with all of my intractable defects and limitations (referring to my intellectual retardation more than my 'mental illnesses'), I know that I will always be a parasite; at best, a low wage laughingstock for my peers and social betters; and at worst, a drain on my parents' savings and well-being, and eventual homeless scavenger. I only wish that, as a social parasite, I would be given the same treatment as that applied to bacterial or insect parasites: extermination.


----------



## Reposada

Oh my, ManisanIsland, you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself. Life is precious and all humans deserve their lives and deserve to be treated kindly by others. The bullies and other psychopaths in this world are the only "really" disabled people, imo, because they're lacking the only thing in life that matters - caring enough about others so as not to harm them. And at least 4% of the population are psychopaths! (I actually think it's more like 10% - at least.) So please don't think you're worthless.

There are many books about loners and hermits - it really IS a valid choice as a human. Shyness is not a crime, it's not a sin, it's not even a flaw. It's just a trait - often a form of hypersensitivity, which often comes with great creativity. I see that in many posts here, and I can certainly tell, even from your brief post, ManIsanIsland, that you are NOT retarded. You wouldn't be able to write so well if you were.

But even IF you were, that wouldn't dim your value as a creature who deserves his or her place on this earth. I've really enjoyed this thread - you know guys, we're SOCIALIZING  - and I am happy to hear that TCyan's parents are leaving their house to him! One of my grandmothers lived to be 101 - it's much more common these days with all the breakthroughs in medicine - so I hope that you, TCyan, have many years with your parents - or at least one of them - in your life. I'm sure you can be a great help to them, not having to be alone in their final years. Many old people are left alone, so if that's all you do, it's a HUGE thing - being a companion and good son and brother to your family members. Be proud of that!

It doesn't mean you can't maybe someday think of trying something new - but as you say, if you're happy, hey, that's a "win." So many people, even with large social networks, are not happy. So many people are evil and bringing pain and even death to others. I'd say you were quite a winner, when you really look at this miserable world.

Of course this is coming from a severe social-phobia sufferer who just got lucky to be a bit pretty as a girl and finally attracted a really good man, who's set me up for life (not to be rich, but to be able to inherit our house and his job pension and I can draw social security on his work records, etc.) I have done little out in the world - but I've loved my husband and children and tried to be a good mother and I've tried not to hurt other people - and heck, that's enough. It's also enough to be a good son. Or to just try to be a good person, even if you're all alone. Where there's breath and your mind works, there's always a chance for SOME joy - and that's all anybody can hope for anyway, no matter what their circumstances.


----------



## taffysaur

dude, i could have written so much of this. not all, but a lot.
except i'm not even brave enough to admit to this kind of stuff (+ the stuff about me that's even worse) _online_.
so, well done + all taht.

i also feel like a parasite on my parents. that's the _one_ thing that motivates me at _all_, is guilt over having to be 'taken care of'.
i'm pretty much waiting 'til my mother dies to off myself too, but for different reasons to you.

i also have severe panic attacks for no real reason.
i was in hospital recently for something else, + i had a line put into my neck + they had to change the dressing on my neck every monday, wed, fri. + i _dreaded_ those days. when they came i'd pray to teh great god atheismo that the nurses would forget.
one time i just remember getting _really_ crazy + being like _i have to get out of here! let me up!_ + next thing i remember i'm on the toilet in the bathroom, out of my bed, surrounded by nurses + breathing thru an oxygen mask.
another time i almost fainted on the subway, because i'm so scared to be outside my room. i'm actually blacking out + thinking _"i'm dying. what if i fall on the tracks? what if i don't? what kind of molestations will i be left open to?"_ after that i was diagnosed w/a :heart arrhythmia brought on by my pre-existing anxiety.

i was okieday thru primary (elementary) school. i got bullied 'cause i was small + a smart-a55, but i'd even win the bullies over to my side sometimes, 'cause i was quick-witted + had an ease of conversation.
then in highschool, the bullying got worse, i obviously hit puberty, everyone hated me + i was realizing how much i hated them back.
it got too much so i dropped out in yr 9 (last year completed was yr8 tho) + did yr10 over _two_ yrs by home schooling, which wasn't very effective 'cause i'm lazy + the work bored me. i don't feel like i ever learned anything _from_ school. it just so happens i like to learn + am a good student who reads a lot on his own, so i breezed thru it + resented everyone there (with reason, believe me. it's not a persecution thing).

my psychiatrist said after i completed my school certificate that i should go back to school for my senior years (11+12).
i was reticent, but she pushed me + i'm so glad, 'cause it was the best school. everyone was so friendly, no matter how different you were from them. no cliques. teachers who cared. i _enjoyed_ going to school every day!
for the first year, i had no friends, + was fine w/that. i walked around w/my head down, did my work, answered questions if i absolutely had to, but i was glad it wasn't like school used to be; i never once while there had to deal w/the dreaded words from teacher: "group work".
did anyone else hate this? it's humiliating when everyone but me instantly pairs off + the teacher has to _force_ me on someone who's only gonna resent it. rather work by myself, which is what i did in yr11 + i did really well.
if that had been the last year of school i might have been okieday...

i'll stop here, i'll pm you sometime w/some other stuff, but i'll leave it here for now unless you indicate you _want_ me to go on w/this bullsh*t.


----------



## Haiku McEwan

Reposada said:


> Oh my, ManisanIsland, you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself. Life is precious and all humans deserve their lives and deserve to be treated kindly by others. The bullies and other psychopaths in this world are the only "really" disabled people, imo, because they're lacking the only thing in life that matters - caring enough about others so as not to harm them. And at least 4% of the population are psychopaths! (I actually think it's more like 10% - at least.) So please don't think you're worthless.
> 
> There are many books about loners and hermits - it really IS a valid choice as a human. Shyness is not a crime, it's not a sin, it's not even a flaw. It's just a trait - often a form of hypersensitivity, which often comes with great creativity. I see that in many posts here, and I can certainly tell, even from your brief post, ManIsanIsland, that you are NOT retarded. You wouldn't be able to write so well if you were.
> 
> But even IF you were, that wouldn't dim your value as a creature who deserves his or her place on this earth. I've really enjoyed this thread - you know guys, we're SOCIALIZING  - and I am happy to hear that TCyan's parents are leaving their house to him! One of my grandmothers lived to be 101 - it's much more common these days with all the breakthroughs in medicine - so I hope that you, TCyan, have many years with your parents - or at least one of them - in your life. I'm sure you can be a great help to them, not having to be alone in their final years. Many old people are left alone, so if that's all you do, it's a HUGE thing - being a companion and good son and brother to your family members. Be proud of that!
> 
> It doesn't mean you can't maybe someday think of trying something new - but as you say, if you're happy, hey, that's a "win." So many people, even with large social networks, are not happy. So many people are evil and bringing pain and even death to others. I'd say you were quite a winner, when you really look at this miserable world.
> 
> Of course this is coming from a severe social-phobia sufferer who just got lucky to be a bit pretty as a girl and finally attracted a really good man, who's set me up for life (not to be rich, but to be able to inherit our house and his job pension and I can draw social security on his work records, etc.) I have done little out in the world - but I've loved my husband and children and tried to be a good mother and I've tried not to hurt other people - and heck, that's enough. It's also enough to be a good son. Or to just try to be a good person, even if you're all alone. Where there's breath and your mind works, there's always a chance for SOME joy - and that's all anybody can hope for anyway, no matter what their circumstances.


What a wonderful and inspiring post. Your words have brought me some comfort about my life. This is one of the most interesting and helpful threads I've ever come across. Only here would someone like him find helpful and kind replies and that's why I'm forever grateful to have come across this site.


----------



## TCyan

Haiku McEwan said:


> What a wonderful and inspiring post. Your words have brought me some comfort about my life. This is one of the most interesting and helpful threads I've ever come across. Only here would someone like him find helpful and kind replies and that's why I'm forever grateful to have come across this site.


Yeah, I just found this site too. Had no idea there was such a forum for SA. I've been talking about my life on general forums on gaming websites and other random forums. I got a lot of replies from people that just didn't understand SA at all. It's nice to have a place where I can communicate to people that at least know a little bit about what I'm going through. I know I'm probably a very extreme case here too. There's no telling how many people out there are just like me that don't know about this forum.

Just before I found this site, I was getting pretty wound up and needed to vent badly, and I'm glad I found this place. Let's just say people were getting sick of me posting on other forums I went to.

Life is rough, and now I can see so many people also have SA. I kind of felt alone there for a long time.

---

Back to the topic. I was thinking today trying to remember just how far back my SA may have started. I think I might have had it as early as 5 years old. I remember being extremely scared of going to Preschool and holding on to my mothers leg crying. I don't know if that counts as a possible SA incident or not.

I also had a major habit of sucking my thumb and I didn't quit that till I was 17 years old. I had buck teeth from probably 1st grade onward. I didn't get braces till I was 17, which is how I quit the thumb sucking habit. The braces straightened everything up so I'm okay in that department now. I remember being made fun of occasionally throughout elementary and jr high because of my buck teeth, like the entire class laughing together at me (in 7th grade). I'm sure this didn't help my SA one bit. I do remember being extremely shy in my childhood years.

I also remember having a little bit of gray/white hair as early as 1st grade. (Naturally black hair). I remember that old saying that stress causes white hair. Then I must have been one stressed out kid. Again, just another thing to be self conscious about. I've had and kept the salt & pepper look all my life since then.

I remember having eye surgery for lazy eye in 2nd grade. I had to wear this big ugly cotton ball over my eye for a few days in school. Just another thing to be made fun of.

So I guess I've had SA for much longer than I thought, perhaps?


----------



## Reposada

I'm sorry about all your problems, taffysaur, and hope you never have to go through the medical thing, with the line in your neck, again! That sounds horrific. Another phobia of mine is blood tests (not shots - I don't mind those - but when they wrap that plastic thing around your arm to squeeze it and then withdraw blood - ai yi yi.) I hate that SO much - even more than parties, and that's saying something.

I'm glad you had a good year in school - and some sort of ok experiences in the lower grades. School was torture for me but I had ONE good year - at age 12 (grade 7 in the US). The others were appalling. I was chubby (not even really that fat - 115 lbs - 52 kg - at 5'1") but this dastardly boy got the entire school yelling fat-baby at me whenever I walked in a classroom or even just walking down the sidewalk or hall.

Honest to God, back then in 1970, I dreamed of taking a gun to school and killing him. This was long before I'd ever heard of "school shootings" but to this day, when I hear of one, I can't help but think that the person may have been tortured into doing it and I can't help but empathize with them.

I despise the school situation - to me, it's the most cruel place in the world besides prison. It sure was for me. My older son was bullied pretty badly at age 7 and I took him out of school and ended up homeschooling because I honestly thought he was going to be killed (he got hurt badly enough on the last day that we took him to the doctor to make sure his jaw wasn't broken - it was black and blue and swollen.) At 7 !! He explained to me that every kid who had something "wrong" with him (mine wore glasses) was always picked on - if you were chubby or eccentric or shy - etc. He had already "learned" that that was just the way it was.

And teachers NEVER know jack. Few bullies are stupid enough to pull their crap in front of teachers - why can't schools realize that? It's in the bathroom or hallway or in a private corner - and then the other kids are encouraged to be heartless by all the laughter and the benefits that come from being a bully - oh the whole thing makes me worry about the future of mankind. But anyhow, I got my kids out of that - and somehow survived without committing murder, just barely, and I'm always amazed that anyone comes out of that system relatively "normal." If there is such a thing.

Well, I've taken over this thread and didn't mean to - but thinking back to all the stuff I went through in childhood and adolescence, and through the 20s really, it really gets to me to hear about everyone's struggles. It often DOES get better as you get older, whether you marry or "get over" your shyness or not. It doesn't always, and I worry for everyone because this world is such a cruel place and it takes so much money to survive - but there is at least some truth to the new program for bullied gays - it does OFTEN get better if you can just bide your time and try to find a way to get through it.

A huge breakthrough for me was something you alluded to, taffysaur, and that was just dropping the extreme embarrassment and ADMITTING to people that I'm a social disaster. I say it upfront upon meeting people, quite often - "I'm trembling because I'm so nervous meeting people - I've got social phobia" - it's kind of amazing what you can get away with when you get older - and the people you have to deal with get older. They just shrug and say, "Aw, what a shame" and then get on with the conversation. Young people, I believe, are all so embarrassed and sensitive themselves, that they can't just accept that and not act like you're a leper for being so open or having a "problem" (like anybody gets through life without a boatload of them - sheesh)

I hope for many of you young people that you hang in there and life just eases up on you. I know it can happen because it has for me. And please know it's not something you should be ashamed of - it's just a condition - like red hair or being really short - like so what? But I know it's not that easy, but if people in general were kinder, it would be - well, it should be. Good luck!


----------



## taffysaur

Reposada said:


> I'm glad you had a good year in school - and some sort of ok experiences in the lower grades. School was torture for me but I had ONE good year - at age 12 (grade 7 in the US). The others were appalling. I was chubby (not even really that fat - 115 lbs - 52 kg - at 5'1") but this dastardly boy got the entire school yelling fat-baby at me whenever I walked in a classroom or even just walking down the sidewalk or hall.
> 
> Honest to God, back then in 1970, I dreamed of taking a gun to school and killing him. This was long before I'd ever heard of "school shootings" but to this day, when I hear of one, I can't help but think that the person may have been tortured into doing it and I can't help but empathize with them.


yeah, same here, kinda. i used to fantasize about bringing a knife to school though. it wasn't _way_ before school shootings (it was well after the boomtown rats _"i don't like mondays"_ one, for instance, but only a couple yrs before columbine. but i didn't know there was such a thing).
but eric harris + dylan klebold were just d*ckholes, though. if _i'd_ done murder, it would have only been to the three or four people whom i felt had done me injury. not *innocent* people too. i mean, _everyone_ made fun of me, but i wouldn't murder them just for _that_.



Reposada said:


> I despise the school situation - to me, it's the most cruel place in the world besides prison. It sure was for me. My older son was bullied pretty badly at age 7 and I took him out of school and ended up homeschooling because I honestly thought he was going to be killed (he got hurt badly enough on the last day that we took him to the doctor to make sure his jaw wasn't broken - it was black and blue and swollen.) At 7 !! He explained to me that every kid who had something "wrong" with him (mine wore glasses) was always picked on - if you were chubby or eccentric or shy - etc. He had already "learned" that that was just the way it was.


yup. kids learn the hierarchy pretty quick. i can remember literally my first day of a new school in a new town in first grade; _first day_, man. + i was put in my place immediately.
(co-incidentally- _or maybe not so much_- by the *younger* brother of the *older* kid who led the kliq who later did more than any other single person/group to ruin any chance i had at a normal life. teh lord works in mysterious ways, no?)



Reposada said:


> And teachers NEVER know jack. Few bullies are stupid enough to pull their crap in front of teachers - why can't schools realize that? It's in the bathroom or hallway or in a private corner - and then the other kids are encouraged to be heartless by all the laughter and the benefits that come from being a bully - oh the whole thing makes me worry about the future of mankind. But anyhow, I got my kids out of that - and somehow survived without committing murder, just barely, and I'm always amazed that anyone comes out of that system relatively "normal." If there is such a thing.


i agree. worst. place. ever. (+ yeah, prison is like my biggest fear, so... _hah_)
or, i _would_ say that if i hadn't had such a good time at senior high. it was just a great school. know why?
something that appeared alla time in the information my psychiatrist accumulated for me (she specifically chose a school according to _my needs_... i miss her), was "adult learning environment", + that's what it was.
you called the teachers by first names (although i *never!* i always called them "sir" or "miss" or "mr. fitzsimmons" or w/e 'cause i'm too shy to address them so intimately, haha! except my art teachers. it's easier w/them, know what i mean?), you weren't babied, but you were expected to take responsibilty.
i.e:- it was a kinda "exclusive" school- not in terms of intellectual/academic requirements as much as that the people who were accepted _wanted_ to learn. they _wanted_ to be there, not to pick on me (or anyone _else_. why _would_ you?)

anyway, hey TCyan, sorry i'm posting like so much, but i was just kind of encouraged by reading what you had to say, identifying so strongly, + seeing other people assent, not make fun of you or tell you to get a job.
i just thought it was ending up as a kind of cool collab, you know? like you said, making/leaving some kind of mark, because everyone has a story, + everyone's is interesting.
but if you have some kind of original intent just say so d00d, np.



Reposada said:


> I hope for many of you young people that you hang in there and life just eases up on you. I know it can happen because it has for me. And please know it's not something you should be ashamed of - it's just a condition - like red hair or being really short - like so what? But I know it's not that easy, but if people in general were kinder, it would be - well, it should be. Good luck!


thx! 
i personally see _"hope"_ as my enemy at this point, but i feel what yr saying.
i feel terrible when i read of other people hurting, too. it's why i responded to this thread/TCyan's post.

but i must make _one_ objection if you'll allow me.



stranger25 said:


> Once I prayed to God and asked for help and direction in life


plz don't confuse the boy.
teh point is he needs to get his head *into* reality.
kthxsry!:teeth


----------



## Man Is An Island

Reposada said:


> Oh my, ManisanIsland, you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself. Life is precious and all humans deserve their lives and deserve to be treated kindly by others. The bullies and other psychopaths in this world are the only "really" disabled people, imo, because they're lacking the only thing in life that matters - caring enough about others so as not to harm them. And at least 4% of the population are psychopaths! (I actually think it's more like 10% - at least.) So please don't think you're worthless.
> 
> There are many books about loners and hermits - it really IS a valid choice as a human. Shyness is not a crime, it's not a sin, it's not even a flaw. It's just a trait - often a form of hypersensitivity, which often comes with great creativity. I see that in many posts here, and I can certainly tell, even from your brief post, ManIsanIsland, that you are NOT retarded. You wouldn't be able to write so well if you were.
> 
> But even IF you were, that wouldn't dim your value as a creature who deserves his or her place on this earth. I've really enjoyed this thread - you know guys, we're SOCIALIZING  - and I am happy to hear that TCyan's parents are leaving their house to him! One of my grandmothers lived to be 101 - it's much more common these days with all the breakthroughs in medicine - so I hope that you, TCyan, have many years with your parents - or at least one of them - in your life. I'm sure you can be a great help to them, not having to be alone in their final years. Many old people are left alone, so if that's all you do, it's a HUGE thing - being a companion and good son and brother to your family members. Be proud of that!
> 
> It doesn't mean you can't maybe someday think of trying something new - but as you say, if you're happy, hey, that's a "win." So many people, even with large social networks, are not happy. So many people are evil and bringing pain and even death to others. I'd say you were quite a winner, when you really look at this miserable world.
> 
> Of course this is coming from a severe social-phobia sufferer who just got lucky to be a bit pretty as a girl and finally attracted a really good man, who's set me up for life (not to be rich, but to be able to inherit our house and his job pension and I can draw social security on his work records, etc.) I have done little out in the world - but I've loved my husband and children and tried to be a good mother and I've tried not to hurt other people - and heck, that's enough. It's also enough to be a good son. Or to just try to be a good person, even if you're all alone. Where there's breath and your mind works, there's always a chance for SOME joy - and that's all anybody can hope for anyway, no matter what their circumstances.


Thank you so much for your response. I tend to have dark moments and my only release is venting on here. I really feel I relate to the sentiments of the OP although I am not quite as seriously shut in. It's not too often someone gets me to rethink my stubborn perspective, but you did. Thank you again.


----------



## antonina

Reposada said:


> Oh my, ManisanIsland, you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself. Life is precious and all humans deserve their lives and deserve to be treated kindly by others. The bullies and other psychopaths in this world are the only "really" disabled people, imo, because they're lacking the only thing in life that matters - caring enough about others so as not to harm them. And at least 4% of the population are psychopaths! (I actually think it's more like 10% - at least.) So please don't think you're worthless.
> 
> There are many books about loners and hermits - it really IS a valid choice as a human. Shyness is not a crime, it's not a sin, it's not even a flaw. It's just a trait - often a form of hypersensitivity, which often comes with great creativity. I see that in many posts here, and I can certainly tell, even from your brief post, ManIsanIsland, that you are NOT retarded. You wouldn't be able to write so well if you were.
> 
> But even IF you were, that wouldn't dim your value as a creature who deserves his or her place on this earth. I've really enjoyed this thread - you know guys, we're SOCIALIZING  - and I am happy to hear that TCyan's parents are leaving their house to him! One of my grandmothers lived to be 101 - it's much more common these days with all the breakthroughs in medicine - so I hope that you, TCyan, have many years with your parents - or at least one of them - in your life. I'm sure you can be a great help to them, not having to be alone in their final years. Many old people are left alone, so if that's all you do, it's a HUGE thing - being a companion and good son and brother to your family members. Be proud of that!
> 
> It doesn't mean you can't maybe someday think of trying something new - but as you say, if you're happy, hey, that's a "win." So many people, even with large social networks, are not happy. So many people are evil and bringing pain and even death to others. I'd say you were quite a winner, when you really look at this miserable world.
> 
> Of course this is coming from a severe social-phobia sufferer who just got lucky to be a bit pretty as a girl and finally attracted a really good man, who's set me up for life (not to be rich, but to be able to inherit our house and his job pension and I can draw social security on his work records, etc.) I have done little out in the world - but I've loved my husband and children and tried to be a good mother and I've tried not to hurt other people - and heck, that's enough. It's also enough to be a good son. Or to just try to be a good person, even if you're all alone. Where there's breath and your mind works, there's always a chance for SOME joy - and that's all anybody can hope for anyway, no matter what their circumstances.


I think that's a wonderful post to point out the inherent worth of every human being. I work with special education kids and I often see them not feeling as valuable as other kids. I think it's important for more people to see the value in diverse people. People contribute to the world in many ways sometimes without knowing it.


----------



## Spineshark

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


Wow first half of that is exactly the same as me, Only i'm on 8 years but the way things are going i think i'll make 12 :S


----------



## TCyan

I Am Annie said:


> I fail to see the point of this thread if you are content with how you are living. Sure, you got a lot off your chest -but what help can this site provide you if you reject any piece of advice unless it's what you want to hear which is something along the lines of 'I support you! Way to go! Keep living how you are living!'


Not really looking for help, never was. I simply wanted to vent and see what others thought about it, that's all. I don't know how else I can explain it. I also posted this for others that are like me that can still saved. Anyone that's shutting themselves in, don't end up like me.


----------



## taffysaur

Bluepanda said:


> Wow first half of that is exactly the same as me, Only i'm on 8 years but the way things are going i think i'll make 12 :S


i'm the median at 10yrs, here.



I Am Annie said:


> I fail to see the point of this thread if you are content with how you are living. Sure, you got a lot off your chest -but what help can this site provide you if you reject any piece of advice unless it's what you want to hear which is something along the lines of 'I support you! Way to go! Keep living how you are living!'


that's not the point. it's like he said, everyone's got a story to tell, + maybe some people would want to hear it- for whatever reason.
plus he also said he hates his life. i think it's just that he feels the rut he's dug himself so firmly + decidedly (not to mention comfortably, safely) _into_, is now too deep to get out from again (or rather, to begin with).

that's kinda the reason i'm too cowardly to make a post quite like that. i feel like people would misunderstand my intent.

that + be reviled.


----------



## SilentWitness

@ TCyan -Thank you for sharing your story and to all the others who shared and live similar lives. I haven't read anything like this before and it did make me a little sad, but you sound pretty upbeat and who knows what the future holds. 

I agree taffysaur, everyone has a story to tell and this is the best place for it.  I haven't the same experience but I empathize and understand how a severe condition of SA/panic attacks can enable this to happen.

I get 'cabin fever' even after 2 or 3 days straight without going outside so I am amazed how you guys can stand it. But we're all wired differently which is evident from everyone's stories and varied coping mechanisms.


----------



## antonina

I Am Annie said:


> I hope that in seeing other people gain from this you will realise that you can still get the happiness you are after - you know, the true kind.


I work with special education students and I am required by law to provide them with positive behavior support because that is what works better. Attacking them only makes them resist even more.

Some of the kids when they feel comfortable enough actually begin to do things they never thought they would do before.

Also who are you to judge what is right and wrong? I have been working with disabilities and I know that people all have very different strengths and abilities. What works for one person doesn't work for another.

Judgment is also an excellent way to shut someone down completely. Nurturing works far better. Many people never got the nurturing they needed at home or they got too much negative feedback at school to develop a positive sense of self-esteem and being able to succeed. Bashing them further is not going to help.


----------



## TCyan

antonina said:


> I work with special education students and I am required by law to provide them with positive behavior support because that is what works better. Attacking them only makes them resist even more.
> 
> Some of the kids when they feel comfortable enough actually begin to do things they never thought they would do before.
> 
> Also who are you to judge what is right and wrong? I have been working with disabilities and I know that people all have very different strengths and abilities. What works for one person doesn't work for another.
> 
> Judgment is also an excellent way to shut someone down completely. Nurturing works far better. Many people never got the nurturing they needed at home or they got too much negative feedback at school to develop a positive sense of self-esteem and being able to succeed. Bashing them further is not going to help.


I'm just not totally sure I have any disabilities. I'm not totally against the idea, and if it were true, it might explain a lot.

I do have some minor speech impairments. I can talk to my family like 98% of the time completely normal and not have any speech hiccups, but every now and then, I do sometimes forget words mid sentence or word a sentence wrongly. I believed I was diagnosed with this in grade school.

Also in grade school, I had a hard time doing homework and paying attention in class. I personally think I was just being lazy and purposely not doing those things because I had other things on my mind like cartoons and video games. But my parents and teachers decided It must have been something else and I needed to be put in special classes. I also remember being sent a few times a week to this small room where it would be just me and this teacher. She would do these "games" with me like the "memory" card game, and remembering colors with shapes and stuff.

I guess they were trying to determine if I had any learning disabilities? I was never told the results though. But since it was more engaging and one on one, I was more focused and had it easy doing those tests.


----------



## antonina

TCyan said:


> I'm just not totally sure I have any disabilities. I'm not totally against the idea, and if it were true, it might explain a lot.
> 
> I do have some minor speech impairments. I can talk to my family like 98% of the time completely normal and not have any speech hiccups, but every now and then, I do sometimes forget words mid sentence or word a sentence wrongly. I believed I was diagnosed with this in grade school.
> 
> Also in grade school, I had a hard time doing homework and paying attention in class. I personally think I was just being lazy and purposely not doing those things because I had other things on my mind like cartoons and video games. But my parents and teachers decided It must have been something else and I needed to be put in special classes. I also remember being sent a few times a week to this small room where it would be just me and this teacher. She would do these "games" with me like the "memory" card game, and remembering colors with shapes and stuff.
> 
> I guess they were trying to determine if I had any learning disabilities? I was never told the results though. But since it was more engaging and one on one, I was more focused and had it easy doing those tests.


What I have heard is that people with learning disabilities and ADD often think they are just being lazy. They also are told this often by other people which only makes it worse.

I always have my students when they are in 5th grade start coming to the IEPs because it's important for them to know what's going on and be aware of what they need. I know some teachers don't though. I also try to teach them to advocate for themselves. Often when they go to middle school they may get lost in the crowd so they need to know how to ask for help and not feel ashamed. It sounds like they kept you in the dark about what was going on. I don't think that's really helpful. It's better to know what your strengths and weakness are so you can compensate for them. I also try to help the kids learn that they are not lazy and not to feel bad about themselves. I then try to teach them how to try and compensate for their special needs.

Also, try not to see yourself as a totally hopeless case. There was this guy on this site who was shut in like you for ten years and he actually overcame it step by step. I'll try to see if I can find out what his name was. Anything can happen. There are stories of homeless drug addicts who were on the streets for years that somehow managed to get clean and turn their lives around. Anything is possible. Take it one day at a time and good luck to you. You also have a certain bravery to share your story with the world.


----------



## Reposada

"I hope that in seeing other people gain from this you will realise that you can still get the happiness you are after - you know, the true kind"

I've tried to just let this go, but after a few days, it still bothers me. Are you sure you know what "true happiness" is for every person, at all times, in all circumstances?

I'm miserable in groups where I'm required to interact. MISERABLE. I do force myself from time to time, and some are worse than others (I like singing in choirs but dread and often dodge the 'potlucks' the choir has every year to get members to 'mingle' - I hate dinner parties and tremble/stammer through them and have several days of post traumatic reactions.)

I don't want to change. I do what I want - I have a family, I have some close friends that I meet up with or talk on the phone to - but I don't want to 'overcome' my social anxiety anymore. I think some people may just be introverts who are worn out by being with people a lot and need a lot of 'down time' or solitude. What's wrong with that? Even if they need a LOT? Like Emily Dickinson or J. D. Salinger - what if someone enjoys being alone a LOT? Why can't that be 'true happiness' for that person?

Now I think there can be a mission for this board even for people who are happy alone because most of us have to force ourselves to deal with people and we can commiserate, and offer support or hints, etc., but that doesn't mean we're all losers and hopeless if we embrace solitude and introversion. It's just another way to be human. Why must there be only one way to be 'truly' happy? Are you truly happy 100% of the time? Well, maybe you are, but I'm truly truly happy much of the time when I'm alone - singing, dancing, walking, writing, reading, fantasizing, planning, cleaning my house, surfing the 'net, reading message boards, watching tv or films, playing games, whatever. Some of the happiest moments of my life. What's wrong with that?


----------



## FrogBaseball

It could be worse. I'm 34 and have been a shut in since I was 16 (dropped out of high school). Although, I did go to college for 3 years and got an associate degree. But that's it. Just be glad you don't have a sister that decided you have nothing better to do than raise her baby. Being used isn't fun. I've probably looked up suicide every week for the last few years.


----------



## Nick9075

antonina said:


> What I have heard is that people with learning disabilities and ADD often think they are just being lazy. They also are told this often by other people which only makes it worse.
> 
> Also, try not to see yourself as a totally hopeless case. There was this guy on this site who was shut in like you for ten years and he actually overcame it step by step. I'll try to see if I can find out what his name was. Anything can happen. There are stories of homeless drug addicts who were on the streets for years that somehow managed to get clean and turn their lives around. Anything is possible. Take it one day at a time and good luck to you. You also have a certain bravery to share your story with the world.


Stories like that are few & far between. I have floundered for 2 years and now basically labeled as unemployable in one of the best job markets in the USA. How old were these homeless drug addicts?? Were they in their 20s and did they have family to pay for their rehab and connections to get them a job?


----------



## yourfavestoner

Wow. What a thread. Spent 20 minutes reading through it.

Your childhood sounds almost identical to mine, including the one positive experience with a girl. I had that experience too as a junior. I asked a girl to dance & like the girl in your post, she seemed more nervous than me. I want to recapture that feeling. The feeling I felt that night - but I doubt I ever will.

I think I would've gone down your path - but my parents are on the opposite end of the spectrum as far as enabling goes. I HAD to go to college. There was no other option. My parents....I dunno if they'd let me live with them after college.


----------



## WeiEast

Huh.
This topic disturbs me on several levels.

One, I can relate to it in some way. What if it happens to me?
Well maybe it was the jolt of reality I needed.

Two, you seem like a cool guy. I like your writing. You remind me of my closest friend in that way.
But I know we and everyone else can't help you without your consent. And somehow I doubt you'll ever give it.

I wonder how many great people are in the same situation?
It's such a shame.


----------



## AnthroSquid

Wow I don't envy what you're going through. I don't blame you for giving up. I'm 24 and have some of the same problems, but I couldn't imagine living like this until I was 30+. I would have probably killed myself by then. But if your parents are getting old, then I would at least try to change SOME things. At least enough to get a job somewhere. You don't have much to lose at this point anyway.


----------



## FrogBaseball

"You don't have much to lose at this point anyway." That's why living this way can be a plus. It just can't last forever.


----------



## TCyan

FrogBaseball said:


> It could be worse. I'm 34 and have been a shut in since I was 16 (dropped out of high school). Although, I did go to college for 3 years and got an associate degree. But that's it. Just be glad you don't have a sister that decided you have nothing better to do than raise her baby. Being used isn't fun. I've probably looked up suicide every week for the last few years.


That's rough. Sometimes I wonder if going to college is even worth it. Especially with the economy now.



yourfavestoner said:


> Wow. What a thread. Spent 20 minutes reading through it.
> 
> I think I would've gone down your path - but my parents are on the opposite end of the spectrum as far as enabling goes. I HAD to go to college. There was no other option. My parents....I dunno if they'd let me live with them after college.


I wish college was just as mandatory as going to public school from grade K-12 is, and that colleges were as common as high schools are. If this were the case, I would have went without any problems.

I don't know why, but the way it is right now was just too big of a decision for me to make when I was 18 years old.



yourfavestoner said:


> Your childhood sounds almost identical to mine, including the one positive experience with a girl. I had that experience too as a junior. I asked a girl to dance & like the girl in your post, she seemed more nervous than me. I want to recapture that feeling. The feeling I felt that night - but I doubt I ever will.


Yeah, like I said, probably one of the happiest/greatest moments of my life having lunch with that girl. I think it helped me a lot that she also was extremely nervous and might have had SA as well. She just made me feel like I was on top of the world.

There's no way I could ever experience that again. Such a bummer too. I think that was THE crossroad in my life and I took the wrong road.



WeiEast said:


> I wonder how many great people are in the same situation?
> It's such a shame.


I imagine far too many to count.



AnthroSquid said:


> Wow I don't envy what you're going through. I don't blame you for giving up. I'm 24 and have some of the same problems, but I couldn't imagine living like this until I was 30+. I would have probably killed myself by then. But if your parents are getting old, then I would at least try to change SOME things. At least enough to get a job somewhere. You don't have much to lose at this point anyway.


Well my parents are still in their mid 50's, so if nothing bad happens anytime soon, I expect them to live at least 20 more years. I'm not too worried yet. My aunt lived with her parents until they passed and she (my aunt) was in her early to mid 50's.

If I could get a job online and not have to ever talk to people on the phone or via microphone/webcam or anything like that, then I'd give it a shot, but nothing like that exist as far as I know. I don't think I'm very qualified for online work anyway.


----------



## Zen Mechanics

dutchguy said:


> Hi
> 
> I can relate to much what you say. I am almost 25 now and I lives like you for the past 4/5 years. I know its not 12 years. But after I quit school I just did almost nothing. I also drown myself in internet. It like a non stop tranquillizer for me. It keeps me away from my own feelings away from reality. I think its very easy to get stuck in this "lifestyle". I know that if I don't change anything in my life I can make it also a period of 12 years.
> And also I know if I don't change I would end up dead our homeless. Still I don't do anything about it. I think it's because depression. What you (and I ) experience as the "outside world" is not the real world. You don't have to experience it like that. What you now see as the outside world is not a realistic view.
> 
> You also say you don't want social contact etc. But I think you are so much detached from what real life can be for you that you don't even know what you can experience "out there". Of course you can get a panic attack if you would now go outside living etc. Because you are so in-experienced in it.
> 
> I think you must quit all addictions, and all things that you use to run away from reality. Stop internet/tv/video games/junkfood(sugar). Just sit down, be around your parents and don't go to your room before youre actually going to sleep.
> 
> Eventually talk to your parents a bit. May be they have a good idea what you can do. Take a easy job. It doesn't have to be full time. I know you don't like the job, I know you can't anjoy it. But you have to realize you can't get instant results with getting this. Slowly you have to do everything to get closer to people, to get real social connections. When you can make it to this point you dont even think about going back to youre old life.
> 
> I am actually thinking about going on vacation all by myself. Because I now realize recently I have to break this habit of "non living".
> 
> You are 30. You can still do anything you want to do. You can have friends/girlfriend/work. You can marry. But don't wait for it.
> 
> I know I don't have real good advice for you, but you must tell yourself that there's much more in life then you now can think of.


All your posts in this thread have been on the money. The OP is living in a fantasy land and has convinced himself he is happy with his way of life, and maybe it's too late to try and persuade him otherwise.. You might say, 'oh he's happy so why try and change anything', I just worry that he will get to 60-70 years old and look back on his life and feel he has wasted it. It's not even just the 'no socialising' thing, sure there is nothing wrong with being a hermi. but never getting out and seeing the amazing sights of the world, art, music, culture, creativity etc etc or just nature.. Sure you think you are happy now, but imagine you wake up one morning in another 12 years and suddenly want more from life, and feel this horrible sense of regret you didn't make the necessary changes 20 years ago. Reading this thread you make a lot of excuses, and it definitely sounds like you have a child-like mentality. There is not much anyone can do to change your mind no doubt, I just hope something happens internally soon


----------



## Zen Mechanics

TCyan said:


> Yeah, like I said, probably one of the happiest/greatest moments of my life having lunch with that girl. I think it helped me a lot that she also was extremely nervous and might have had SA as well. She just made me feel like I was on top of the world.
> 
> There's no way I could ever experience that again. Such a bummer too. I think that was THE crossroad in my life and I took the wrong road..


This is where you are wrong.. And it actually made me quite sad to read this part, the fact that the highlight of your life is one small meeting with a girl 12 years ago. This is the perfect example that you are *not* as happy with your current life as you think you are. If your life was great you would have forgotten about that one little incident years ago. I can't remember heaps of the 'dates' I went on, even though they were very nice, simply becuse better things have happened since. This can happen so easily for you as well, why do you think it can't? Imagine if you were so happy just from a lunch and a hug, how happy you could be in an actual relationship with someone who loves you. It is possible.. You could be living that life very soon if you just made the effort


----------



## TCyan

Zen Mechanics said:


> All your posts in this thread have been on the money. The OP is living in a fantasy land and has convinced himself he is happy with his way of life, and maybe it's too late to try and persuade him otherwise.. You might say, 'oh he's happy so why try and change anything', I just worry that he will get to 60-70 years old and look back on his life and feel he has wasted it. It's not even just the 'no socialising' thing, sure there is nothing wrong with being a hermi. but never getting out and seeing the amazing sights of the world, art, music, culture, creativity etc etc or just nature.. Sure you think you are happy now, but imagine you wake up one morning in another 12 years and suddenly want more from life, and feel this horrible sense of regret you didn't make the necessary changes 20 years ago. Reading this thread you make a lot of excuses, and it definitely sounds like you have a child-like mentality. There is not much anyone can do to change your mind no doubt, I just hope something happens internally soon


I do have a very child-like mentality. I feel like I have some kind of mental block where I cannot grow up. I've been living 12 years on summer vacation in my mind and I never get tired of it.

There's really nothing outside of my house that interests me, culture, arts, nature, going to the bar with some buddies and picking up girls, all that stuff is not for me and never will be. I'm 100% introverted.



Zen Mechanics said:


> This is where you are wrong.. And it actually made me quite sad to read this part, the fact that the highlight of your life is one small meeting with a girl 12 years ago. This is the perfect example that you are *not* as happy with your current life as you think you are. If your life was great you would have forgotten about that one little incident years ago. I can't remember heaps of the 'dates' I went on, even though they were very nice, simply becuse better things have happened since. This can happen so easily for you as well, why do you think it can't? Imagine if you were so happy just from a lunch and a hug, how happy you could be in an actual relationship with someone who loves you. It is possible.. You could be living that life very soon if you just made the effort


I admit I'm happy with my currently life in the sense that It's an extremely easy life and I'm just extremely content. I am also not happy because I'm a leech on society.

And about 12 years ago. I was being more specific that I'll never meet another woman that likes me on first sight and also has lite to moderate SA.

Not to mention my social skills are completely gone (not to say I had any to begin with), I have panic attacks far too easily, and I'm just not interested in dating.

This lifestyle is just too good to be true and I'm stubborn. Why should I put myself through a countless number of panic attacks to TRY and fix myself, when there's no guarantee that will even work. Really, I'm content with my life the way it is.


----------



## WeiEast

Well you apparently don't have problems talking to people online.

Why not start out with an online friend? Perhaps you can work your way to meeting up with them sometime after you've talked for a very long while.

Even if not, having an online friend to confide in has helped me by miles.


----------



## TCyan

WeiEast said:


> Well you apparently don't have problems talking to people online.
> 
> Why not start out with an online friend? Perhaps you can work your way to meeting up with them sometime after you've talked for a very long while.
> 
> Even if not, having an online friend to confide in has helped me by miles.


I met a woman online a long time ago, probably like 8 or 9 years ago. We became pretty close. She had SA and had her own problems. But she broke it off with me because she moved on with her life and couldn't keep waiting for someone like me that refused to budge. I think It was hard on her for me to just be sitting here doing nothing while she moved on with her life. Had we not lived so far apart from one another, I think we could have had a thing going. She literally moved away across the pacific ocean at one point. That was a 6 year long relationship that ended a few years ago.

I'm not really interested in doing that again. It was hard for me to just sit down on a daily basis and talk to her in a chatroom. I liked it, but at the same time I didn't. We talked on the phone together too, and again I disliked it so much even though she really wanted to talk to me. Doubt I can be friends with any guys either. I'm just extremely anti-social.

Even when I play in online social games (like mmorpgs), I never talk to anyone, never join guilds/squads/clans, and I just take my character, find an empty part of the game world, and play/fight mobs all by myself.

But you're right, I do communicate well (in forums) because I'm in control. I can come and go as I please and I don't feel like I'm making people wait for me to reply at any particular moment. I can take as much time as I want to type exactly what is on my mind.


----------



## WeiEast

Well, why didn't you like talking to her on the phone? Maybe it was too much for you.

I think this kind of progression could be good for you:

Email -> MSN or other instant message -> Skype (they talk and you type) -> Skype (phone) -> ?


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## Lifetimer

TCyan,

You obviously have a lot of fear and also it is easy to see you are hiding from the world. It is also clear your self confidence and self esteem is very low. All these are the classic symptoms of toxic shame. The fear ... the hiding ... low self-esteem & low self-confidence -- and of course social anxiety. All these symptoms are of toxic shame (TS can involve many other symptoms as well). I have overcome ALL these symptoms I've just mentioned and no longer have SA, of which I had for a lifetime (but I have it no more! ). I will state that I've never been a shut-in as you are, but I believe your Agoraphobia is just a symptom of the larger problem ... that of toxic shame. It doesn't matter how bad you have it, you CAN overcome it. You just need to know what your true problem is (of which I already told you what I believe it is) and you need to take action on it! Because, you know, your parents can't take care of you forever, nor should they!

You claim you are comfortable and don't want to change, but _that is the problem! _You have gotten into a comfort zone in which you are avoiding everything that you are not used to, and you are only dealing with things that you ARE used to -- in other words, you are stuck in a terrible "comfort zone". Read the following short article by Dr. Robert Glover (well, technically it is a post). Dr. Glover explains in his article what a comfort zone can do to a person and he gives ideas of what to do. Here is the link: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20110

Whether you read the above article or not (though I certainly hope you do), the most important thing for you to do is to read my thread by clicking the link at the bottom of this post. Be sure to read _all *my* posts_ on my thread and not just the first three posts. The first 3 posts of the thread are just a general overview. I provide much more information throughout the thread that I couldn't fit into those first 3 posts. You are of course welcomed to read the posts that other people have written there, but I feel the main thing is to focus on all my posts (of that thread) because I generally provide the most information there about toxic shame.

Actually, the best thing to do is to get those books I recommend on my thread (I do not profit in any way if you purchase the books). But if you do not want to do that, then at least read my thread.

You MUST get out of being stuck living in a "comfortable" state. You just do not realize the downward slide you are currently in. Twelve years is bad enough already. Imagine 10 ... 20 ... 25 ... 30 years from now. If your parents aren't around at that time, then what would you do? Even if they *are *still around, you are putting a burden on them -- as well as wasting any potential you have for a worthy, useful life. I know you are in a bad way right now, but trust me, you CAN get better!

Lifetimer


----------



## TCyan

WeiEast said:


> Well, why didn't you like talking to her on the phone? Maybe it was too much for you.
> 
> I think this kind of progression could be good for you:
> 
> Email -> MSN or other instant message -> Skype (they talk and you type) -> Skype (phone) -> ?


We started with instant messaging, Then after several months tried talking on the phone. I didn't like it because she was calling me long distance and that just made me feel extremely undeserving, I guess? I felt like she really shouldn't have been calling me because of the cost. And I wasn't going to be calling her for the same reason. Didn't want long distance bills piling up.

(All of this was before Skype even existed)

But talking on the phone like I've said before is just very difficult on me. I get extremely nervous even if it's like someone I've known all my life like my parents/grandmother/family. No matter how comfortable I eventually get on the phone, I just don't like it. I'm just afraid of phone conversations.


----------



## WeiEast

Yeah I realize Skype wasn't around then. 

My sequence is for you to use now.

I used to be shy on the phone with strangers (although I realize it's everyone for you) and having someone talk to me while I typed on Skype really helped. But again, that wouldn't be the first step to recovery for you since I think that's rushing it.

Why not make a small step? If you don't like someone online or get nervous, you can just block them and forget it.

And I think it has a lot of potential to help you. Far more than just forcing you outside and into a therapist's office or whatever.


----------



## jimity

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


If the urge to suicide doesn't hit you, then the fear of starving to death will hit you. I had this same problem for quite around 5 years time. I could do nothing. I sat in my room all day long playing games and watching tv. The only thing that got me outside was my father who is harsh in his punishment and forced me to get a car, to get a job and to do all the things I need to do like banking. I had to teach myself how to do stuff but slowly using any thing I could use to my advantage... booze mainly. Over time the public anxiety dipped and I could do many things without worrying. Its all about change for me. The fear of change.


----------



## TCyan

jimity said:


> If the urge to suicide doesn't hit you, then the fear of starving to death will hit you. I had this same problem for quite around 5 years time. I could do nothing. I sat in my room all day long playing games and watching tv. The only thing that got me outside was my father who is harsh in his punishment and forced me to get a car, to get a job and to do all the things I need to do like banking. I had to teach myself how to do stuff but slowly using any thing I could use to my advantage... booze mainly. Over time the public anxiety dipped and I could do many things without worrying. Its all about change for me. The fear of change.


I guess lucky (or unlucky) for me, my parents don't have any intention of kicking me out. I also don't have enough money to buy a car (as I've said I have an extreme fear of driving). I don't have any intention on drinking alcohol either so that's a crutch I refuse to use.



WeiEast said:


> Yeah I realize Skype wasn't around then.
> 
> My sequence is for you to use now.
> 
> I used to be shy on the phone with strangers (although I realize it's everyone for you) and having someone talk to me while I typed on Skype really helped. But again, that wouldn't be the first step to recovery for you since I think that's rushing it.
> 
> Why not make a small step? If you don't like someone online or get nervous, you can just block them and forget it.
> 
> And I think it has a lot of potential to help you. Far more than just forcing you outside and into a therapist's office or whatever.


I think you're right about this having potential to help me. I imagine coming to this forum and talking about my life can be seen as an initial step.


----------



## dutchguy

..


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## dutchguy

Zen Mechanics said:


> All your posts in this thread have been on the money.


thank you


----------



## AkwardNisa

you say you're happy....but you admit that you are just too afraid to try to change. that's not the same as being happy with you're lifestyle. that's just being stuck. 

idk i'm probably just misunderstanding. and i'm really late lol


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## TCyan

This past week, my mother has been out of town visiting her mother (my only living grandmother) and I've had to take the role of my mother at home. I've been cooking dinners, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the house, washing clothes, washing dishes, basically taking care of my brother and father.

I've done this a few times over the last 12 years when my mother or both of my parents went out of town for a week or so.

I really have to applaud mothers/women (and men that do this too) that can keep up with house chores on a daily basis 365 days a year. Just working like this for one week really opens my eyes to what the everyday mother has to go through.

I definitely learn to appreciate my mother a whole lot more whenever she is at home. I help her out sometimes when she's home, but really, I don't do enough.

And before anyone says, yes I should have gone with my mother to visit my grandmother whom I haven't seen in over 12 years. It's very hard for me to travel since I get motion sickness easily and I don't like to take any meds for motion sickness. I did consider going a lot the few days before she left. I was literally laying in bed just thinking about going for like half an hour at one point.

There's the risks of panic attacks while there.

There's those annoying questions "What have you been up to?" from aunts/uncles/cousins that don't know anything about me to this point.

Then there is sitting around for a week doing absolutely nothing. I can't socialize with anyone there because we have nothing to talk about between us. It's been like this ever since I was a kid. I have cousins around my age that I was pretty comfortable around back then, but now they are all adults with big lives. I've got nothing to bring to the table.

I honestly don't see how anything positive can come out of traveling 8 hours away from home to visit people I can't be comfortable around. And it's not like these people are strangers. I've known them all my life, visiting them 2 or 3 times a year for like 15~ years through my childhood and teen years. I just cannot be comfortable around them.


----------



## emptybottle2

TCyan said:


> I've been cooking dinners, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the house, washing clothes, washing dishes, basically taking care of my brother and father.
> 
> I've done this a few times over the last 12 years when my mother or both of my parents went out of town for a week or so.
> 
> I really have to applaud mothers/women (and men that do this too) that can keep up with house chores on a daily basis 365 days a year. Just working like this for one week really opens my eyes to what the everyday mother has to go through.


Why don't you start taking on all the chores regularly as a way to pay back your mother? Why let her be exhausted from doing chores at her age when she has a young person around who could be helping out?


----------



## Anna

man, it's strange reading this thread. i think i know where you're coming from TCyan. i lived it, for too many years. that was a _hard_ way to live for me though, even though everything was taken care of and everyone thought i was pampered. i was so guilt-ridden and overwhelmed i couldn't do anything to stop it... and it just kept snowballing. i couldn't breathe if i thought about any of it, so i just kept distracting myself with bull****.

i didn't want to change because i didn't think it was possible after all those years. it was too painful to think about so i just kept living in my little bubble. i felt i was content not having to worry about anything. and if i stayed away from people i didn't have to think how ****ed up i must look to everyone else, so i just kept isolating myself more and more until i was terrified of EVERYTHING. i had to keep avoiding everything so i didn't have to worry about anything. and i sure couldn't take care of myself since i was so stunted, so my plan was to kill myself when everyone finally left me.

i don't know exactly what made me decide to change or what my first step was. i'm pretty sure i just started trying a bunch of different random things (and so, of course, failing _a lot_), but at some point this phrase popped in my head, "just keep going." it became like a chant i'd have to say to myself when i took my first steps with anything new, just to get through the panic. those beginning steps out of that safe little hell were _really_ hard, but now looking back i can't remember the pain. i just know i did it and i feel better now.

there's no quick fix for this, it'll take years. that isn't to discourage you, that's just the reality of it. and it actually made me feel better knowing i wouldn't have to be "all better" by next year or whatever. i gave myself time, tried not to add even more pressure with a ridiculous deadline.

i know you said you weren't really looking to be fixed anyway, you just wanted to share. i appreciate it dude. i found that way of living to be so lonely it was dehumanizing. i thought i was the only one then. so i thought i'd just share my story with you too. take care of yourself. you'll figure out whatever it is you want and whether it's worth it or not. just keep going and good luck. :heart


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## sarahsocialanx

I was wondering if you have problems in the online community or if it is just strictly face -to-face social situations that make you have panic attacks? I mean, you have a knack for listening and responding to people here. I also enjoy your writing and it seems everyone else is pretty interested in hearing about your life. I hope you continue with a blog of some sort or expand to other forms of creative writing.

Either way, your story really helped me today as I feel I'm sliding towards becoming a hermit. Something as simple as taking out the trash is becoming terrifying as I might run into someone along the way. I guess you helped me in that even though you've been hidden away there, you are still reaching out to all of these people and making an impression, be it good or bad.


----------



## akt

I've been living my life almost the same way. Going to be 29 in a few months. I pretty much play video games and watch movies all day. My parents aren't 'supportive' though, both my parents have their own issues though. Sometimes they yell at me to get my drivers license, since they don't really understand the whole being scared/anxiety thing.

Scary thing is, as I'm getting older I feel like I'm getting worse and drifting away from reality and society more and more. Even online chatting isn't as easy as it was 5-10 years ago, simply because even online people expect someone at my age to be living a normal life. Some days I want to change, other days I look at other people and all their life problems and think I'm lucky I don't have to worry about everyday things like them. Although sometimes I don't like my life, I know if it were to change I'd miss the fun times of just playing games and watching movies all day. As someone else said, maybe people just don't want to grow up.

I've never had a job. Besides 1 time a job that my dad got me when I was 17, it was only 3 months. I have tried applying for jobs a few times, one Starbucks called me in for an interview, and I did go in but they didn't hire me...I guess they could tell I was too messed up to work. I even tried Walmart (risking the label someone like me would get working there) and they never call me back. Since I don't drive and there's not much transportation where I live it's hard to find a job anyway. But I have made attempts in that department. I of course didn't go to college. I have looked into online classes but don't have the money for it. Now I'm worried since at my age I don't really have any work experience I'm going to really be in trouble later in life.

And yeah, I think about suicide one day. Playing video games and watching movies actually helps keep me going..I think "hey I want to live to play that game coming out next year!" apart from that I'm not worried about dying. I don't like to talk about it much since people hear suicide and it can get you in trouble, but really, I don't want to live homeless later or struggle in life or whatever.

I think it's good you don't drink, it's too easy to use alcohol as an escape when you get sad and depressed. 

anyway..sorry for rambling, this is your thread. just that I can relate to some parts of your life!


----------



## Nick9075

akt said:


> I've been living my life almost the same way. Going to be 29 in a few months. I pretty much play video games and watch movies all day. My parents aren't 'supportive' though, both my parents have their own issues though. Sometimes they yell at me to get my drivers license, since they don't really understand the whole being scared/anxiety thing.
> 
> Scary thing is, as I'm getting older I feel like I'm getting worse and drifting away from reality and society more and more. Even online chatting isn't as easy as it was 5-10 years ago, simply because even online people expect someone at my age to be living a normal life. Some days I want to change, other days I look at other people and all their life problems and think I'm lucky I don't have to worry about everyday things like them. Although sometimes I don't like my life, I know if it were to change I'd miss the fun times of just playing games and watching movies all day. As someone else said, maybe people just don't want to grow up.
> 
> I've never had a job. Besides 1 time a job that my dad got me when I was 17, it was only 3 months. I have tried applying for jobs a few times, one Starbucks called me in for an interview, and I did go in but they didn't hire me...I guess they could tell I was too messed up to work. I even tried Walmart (risking the label someone like me would get working there) and they never call me back. Since I don't drive and there's not much transportation where I live it's hard to find a job anyway. But I have made attempts in that department. I of course didn't go to college. I have looked into online classes but don't have the money for it. Now I'm worried since at my age I don't really have any work experience I'm going to really be in trouble later in life.
> 
> And yeah, I think about suicide one day. Playing video games and watching movies actually helps keep me going..I think "hey I want to live to play that game coming out next year!" apart from that I'm not worried about dying. I don't like to talk about it much since people hear suicide and it can get you in trouble, but really, I don't want to live homeless later or struggle in life or whatever.
> 
> I think it's good you don't drink, it's too easy to use alcohol as an escape when you get sad and depressed.
> 
> anyway..sorry for rambling, this is your thread. just that I can relate to some parts of your life!


At least you are 29. Try being 36 and feeling like you have NO options. Money at this point isn't the issue. The issue is this feeling of being unemployable and unable to change it. I live alone in a 2 bed condo apartment outside of the city but have no support network and no one to 'network' with.


----------



## CleverUsername

Gradual exposure for all phobias, social phobia is no different. First step is hardest.


----------



## TCyan

emptybottle2 said:


> Why don't you start taking on all the chores regularly as a way to pay back your mother? Why let her be exhausted from doing chores at her age when she has a young person around who could be helping out?


You're right, except she's home all the time nowadays and she get's bored if she has nothing to do. So she likes to keep busy somehow. My parents love to keep busy, and don't like down time. It wouldn't hurt if I offered more help though.



sarahsocialanx said:


> I was wondering if you have problems in the online community or if it is just strictly face -to-face social situations that make you have panic attacks? I mean, you have a knack for listening and responding to people here. I also enjoy your writing and it seems everyone else is pretty interested in hearing about your life. I hope you continue with a blog of some sort or expand to other forms of creative writing.
> 
> Either way, your story really helped me today as I feel I'm sliding towards becoming a hermit. Something as simple as taking out the trash is becoming terrifying as I might run into someone along the way. I guess you helped me in that even though you've been hidden away there, you are still reaching out to all of these people and making an impression, be it good or bad.


Like I said a little earlier, forums are easy for me, but places like chat rooms are more difficult for me.



akt said:


> anyway..sorry for rambling, this is your thread. just that I can relate to some parts of your life!


Not at all, I encourage others to post their stories if they want. I may not reply to everyone's posts, but I do read everyone's posts/stories. I'm seeing more and more that I am not the only one out there that have these living conditions.



CleverUsername said:


> Gradual exposure for all phobias, social phobia is no different. First step is hardest.


Yes, but nobody I know in person is willing to work with me on a daily basis to help me. And I'm too stubborn to take that first step myself. It's like I'm on cloud nine and you all are telling me to come back down to earth.


----------



## antonina

Nick9075 said:


> Stories like that are few & far between. I have floundered for 2 years and now basically labeled as unemployable in one of the best job markets in the USA. How old were these homeless drug addicts?? Were they in their 20s and did they have family to pay for their rehab and connections to get them a job?


Actually the homeless drug addicts were not young. This is in San Francisco at Glide Memorial Church, which is a very open minded church and focuses on love and nurturing people. The work they do there is amazing. I have volunteered in their soup kitchens and give them money. Volunteering is also very healing for depression and anxiety. Instead of focusing on yourself you are giving to someone else.

Anyway here is the link:
http://www.glide.org/page.aspx?pid=406

Every week at Glide they have someone come up and talk to the congregation about how they changed their lives. It is actually a very positive place.


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## antonina

Actually here is the link to their drug recovery program.

http://66.211.107.100/page.aspx?pid=380

They deal with street people and have some pretty amazing success stories.


----------



## Reposada

Zen Mechanics said:


> All your posts in this thread have been on the money. The OP is living in a fantasy land and has convinced himself he is happy with his way of life, and maybe it's too late to try and persuade him otherwise.. You might say, 'oh he's happy so why try and change anything', I just worry that he will get to 60-70 years old and look back on his life and feel he has wasted it. It's not even just the 'no socialising' thing, sure there is nothing wrong with being a hermi. but never getting out and seeing the amazing sights of the world, art, music, culture, creativity etc etc or just nature.. Sure you think you are happy now, but imagine you wake up one morning in another 12 years and suddenly want more from life, and feel this horrible sense of regret you didn't make the necessary changes 20 years ago. Reading this thread you make a lot of excuses, and it definitely sounds like you have a child-like mentality. There is not much anyone can do to change your mind no doubt, I just hope something happens internally soon


This concept really fascinates me. I wonder if Emily Dickinson looked back on her life and regretted staying at home writing poetry? I think it MAY be that some people value their personal freedom so much that they think they have a better life than, say, a blue collar worker who works 9 hours a day at some drudgery from 18 to 65 and acquires a spouse they get tired of but can't afford to leave - and kids who are ungrateful and ridiculously expensive but yet they don't appreciate the hard work you've done and they even look down on you after you pay for their university - while you're still working in the paper mill or trying to sell appliances on commission or whatever.

I hated working so much (and always had low man on the totem pole jobs) that I consider it living like a queen to have my freedom, my time, to spend as I like, mostly, instead of having to be somewhere at 8 am and do what some boss tells me all day till I'm too tired to do anything but go home, manage dinner, and collapse. And in America, most people get 2 weeks off a year! Are you kidding me? I used to sit at my desk as a secretary and dream of lying in a gutter - at least I'd be FREE. Unless you have a job you love, well, I think it sucks. Maybe if you're an extrovert, that's one silver lining to working, but for me, it just made the drudgery many times worse, having to constantly deal with people because I HAD to.

I'm nearly 60 and looking back, if I had a choice of a life of relative leisure and personal freedom but no contacts - or I could work 50 years as a clerk or something and have a marriage, kids, etc., but still had to punch that time clock, hey, I'd take the hermitage in a New York minute.


----------



## Kon

Reposada said:


> I hated working so much (and always had low man on the totem pole jobs) that I consider it living like a queen to have my freedom, my time, to spend as I like, mostly, instead of having to be somewhere at 8 am and do what some boss tells me all day till I'm too tired to do anything but go home, manage dinner, and collapse. And in America, most people get 2 weeks off a year! Are you kidding me? I used to sit at my desk as a secretary and dream of lying in a gutter - at least I'd be FREE. Unless you have a job you love, well, I think it sucks. Maybe if you're an extrovert, that's one silver lining to working, but for me, it just made the drudgery many times worse, having to constantly deal with people because I HAD to.
> 
> I'm nearly 60 and looking back, if I had a choice of a life of relative leisure and personal freedom but no contacts - or I could work 50 years as a clerk or something and have a marriage, kids, etc., but still had to punch that time clock, hey, I'd take the hermitage in a New York minute.


I feel the same way and I have a pretty high-paying job with some level of independence. Most work feels like torture to me. My SAD is mild compared to my work anxiety. I just don't feel like I was designed for the way work is organized. I'm not sure why but I've always been fascinated by the nomadic/hunting & gathering lifestyle. Just a more modern version. I'm not sure what it would look like? I don't even have any depression at all and yet I've thought that a painless death would be easier than doing some of the really tough jobs that people do. Maybe I'm just a whimp? I'm particularly repulsed by the applied health professions. Unfortunately, that's what I chose. But then again, I can't think of even 1 job/career I would want to pursue, even though I love learning/exploration.


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## crimsoncora

Damn this is just plain damn! Your really sad individual, i cant imagine how much your mind imprisons you.

Failure should never be an option.

You inspire me to live my life to fullest and never end up like you ever, instead accomplish the goal of living life to fullest. Am half way to destiny. Thanx for sharing.


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## Owl Eyes

I can't stand to see someone wasting a potential life like this. You tell yourself you enjoy it but deep down inside you know you're missing out. You say you plan to just 
"kill yourself" when your parents die, but I think if you haven't killed yourself already then there's something inside of you telling you that you should live. You have been living like this for so long which is why you "don't care." I'm not saying you should get a job/girlfriend because that's the generic life everyone has but I'm saying you should try doing something to at least feel fullfilled before you die. In my humble opinion, that's an important part of life, reaching self-actualization.


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## TCyan

Owl Eyes said:


> I can't stand to see someone wasting a potential life like this. You tell yourself you enjoy it but deep down inside you know you're missing out. You say you plan to just
> "kill yourself" when your parents die, but I think if you haven't killed yourself already then there's something inside of you telling you that you should live. You have been living like this for so long which is why you "don't care." I'm not saying you should get a job/girlfriend because that's the generic life everyone has but I'm saying you should try doing something to at least feel fullfilled before you die. In my humble opinion, that's an important part of life, reaching self-actualization.


Hate to say it, but I do plan on just killing myself. The reason why I haven't now is because of the pain it would cause my family. That's why I said I'd wait until they were gone first.

I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything out there that I would regret not doing later in life. I'm just so introverted that nothing outside of this house is interesting at all. I'm totally content with living and dying in this house and never accomplishing anything.

Whether a sane person is typing all this or not, I don't have an answer. For all I know, I could be extremely insane. But like I've said before. I just don't care enough to want to change. This is absolutely heaven for me, having no responsibilities besides very minor stuff to do around the house and that's it.

You have to realize, I've been this way for 12 solid years. Any normal person would have been driven to madness by now. But not me. I've had my days where I was very depressed, but I always got past them because I knew living this way is just so much easier than trying to fight against my anxieties and panic attacks in the real world.

I'm afraid to say, nothing anyone can say will ever make me want to change. Not family, not men, not women, nobody. I'm willing to rot in this room for the rest of my life.

I know it's sad, but there's no hope for someone like me. I'm too stubborn to listen to any of you.


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## debbie1122

*Debbie1123*

Have you done a psych outpatient program? At those there are others in the same situation. I have done them and it let's you get your feet wet with people who understand.


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## OpiodArmor

TCyan said:


> Hate to say it, but I do plan on just killing myself. The reason why I haven't now is because of the pain it would cause my family. That's why I said I'd wait until they were gone first.
> 
> I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything out there that I would regret not doing later in life. I'm just so introverted that nothing outside of this house is interesting at all. I'm totally content with living and dying in this house and never accomplishing anything.
> 
> Whether a sane person is typing all this or not, I don't have an answer. For all I know, I could be extremely insane. But like I've said before. I just don't care enough to want to change. This is absolutely heaven for me, having no responsibilities besides very minor stuff to do around the house and that's it.
> 
> You have to realize, I've been this way for 12 solid years. Any normal person would have been driven to madness by now. But not me. I've had my days where I was very depressed, but I always got past them because I knew living this way is just so much easier than trying to fight against my anxieties and panic attacks in the real world.
> 
> I'm afraid to say, nothing anyone can say will ever make me want to change. Not family, not men, not women, nobody. I'm willing to rot in this room for the rest of my life.
> 
> I know it's sad, but there's no hope for someone like me. I'm too stubborn to listen to any of you.


I find your resolve very commendable. Not many people could do what you have done, that is for sure. (No I'm not being sarcastic, your right, most people would be driven mad by that.)


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## masticatedZagreus

I've been a chronic shut-in for the last year, though I do go for walks late at night most evenings. The only other immediate relative who I live with incessantly nags me, and is passive aggressive to a point where I'm basically stripped of all dignity. I write, and I guess I'm okay at that. Otherwise, alone. No friends, and certainly no girlfriends. An acquaintance of mine tried to hook me up with someone earlier this year...didn't work.


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## Hyzenthlay

First off, I want to say thanks to TCyan for sharing and starting this, and to everyone who's contributed with their own stories/insights. This has been a fascinating read, and no matter your "judgement" on the lifestyle in question, it takes courage to post such an open account of your life, and then respond to criticisms with the grace that TCyan's shown thus far. I applaud you, sir.

I also applaud Reposada and Antonina for their inspiring posts. I've been slipping into a lifestyle like this myself since school let out in April and I failed to find a fulltime summer job (again). My parents are enablers of the same sort, if not worse (I can actually suck my father into my video game abyss with me!) and as long as they're alive I (and my zoo) are set, if I can stand it. Which, as time goes by, gets easier to accept, not harder. So when it comes down to it, I don't *really* want to change. And posts that suggest I should, or that I need to, while probably true, only succeed in making me defensive and bitter. Which is extremely unhelpful.

Posts like Antonina's and Reposada's, on the other hand...are inspirational. They don't make me want to run away and hide, they make me think for myself of ways I can change, and it's not even anything in particular they've said...it's more the fact that if people like them exist in this world, then maybe it's not so scary after all. So thank you guys, so much, for being kind. 

And to TCyan: I really hope you do figure out some way to survive comfortably after your parents pass, because I believe it would truly be a waste if you were to kill yourself. I'm going to contradict some people here, but to me you seem remarkably mature and insightful, if stubborn. You've certainly made an impact here, and the world needs more people like you, not less. :heart


----------



## TCyan

Hyzenthlay said:


> First off, I want to say thanks to TCyan for sharing and starting this, and to everyone who's contributed with their own stories/insights. This has been a fascinating read, and no matter your "judgement" on the lifestyle in question, it takes courage to post such an open account of your life, and then respond to criticisms with the grace that TCyan's shown thus far. I applaud you, sir.
> 
> I also applaud Reposada and Antonina for their inspiring posts. I've been slipping into a lifestyle like this myself since school let out in April and I failed to find a fulltime summer job (again). My parents are enablers of the same sort, if not worse (I can actually suck my father into my video game abyss with me!) and as long as they're alive I (and my zoo) are set, if I can stand it. Which, as time goes by, gets easier to accept, not harder. So when it comes down to it, I don't *really* want to change. And posts that suggest I should, or that I need to, while probably true, only succeed in making me defensive and bitter. Which is extremely unhelpful.
> 
> Posts like Antonina's and Reposada's, on the other hand...are inspirational. They don't make me want to run away and hide, they make me think for myself of ways I can change, and it's not even anything in particular they've said...it's more the fact that if people like them exist in this world, then maybe it's not so scary after all. So thank you guys, so much, for being kind.
> 
> And to TCyan: I really hope you do figure out some way to survive comfortably after your parents pass, because I believe it would truly be a waste if you were to kill yourself. I'm going to contradict some people here, but to me you seem remarkably mature and insightful, if stubborn. You've certainly made an impact here, and the world needs more people like you, not less. :heart


Thank you very much.

A number of people have also opted to private message me talking about how their lives are similar to mine as well. It's kind of depressing to see so many stories about people living this way. But I did make this thread in hopes to just get the word out that there are people like me out there.

I just wanted people that were headed down the same path as me to see that maybe this is not the path you should continue on. I get that most people will see this and then immediately realize that they need to change. Then there's others like me that just cannot change. I don't know what our futures hold, but all we can do is enjoy what we have right now.



debbie1122 said:


> Have you done a psych outpatient program? At those there are others in the same situation. I have done them and it let's you get your feet wet with people who understand.


I haven't tried anything accept a few trips to several psychiatrists and took anti-depression medications when I was 18. These things only made my SA and panic attacks worse, so I stopped doing them. Never tried anything since. I really don't want to try anything that's going to cost money, because I just don't trust in anything actually working. I think you have to at least believe that the treatment will help you, and I cannot do that. I just like being the way I am.


----------



## antonina

Hyzenthlay said:


> First off, I want to say thanks to TCyan for sharing and starting this, and to everyone who's contributed with their own stories/insights. This has been a fascinating read, and no matter your "judgement" on the lifestyle in question, it takes courage to post such an open account of your life, and then respond to criticisms with the grace that TCyan's shown thus far. I applaud you, sir.
> 
> I also applaud Reposada and Antonina for their inspiring posts. I've been slipping into a lifestyle like this myself since school let out in April and I failed to find a fulltime summer job (again). My parents are enablers of the same sort, if not worse (I can actually suck my father into my video game abyss with me!) and as long as they're alive I (and my zoo) are set, if I can stand it. Which, as time goes by, gets easier to accept, not harder. So when it comes down to it, I don't *really* want to change. And posts that suggest I should, or that I need to, while probably true, only succeed in making me defensive and bitter. Which is extremely unhelpful.
> 
> Posts like Antonina's and Reposada's, on the other hand...are inspirational. They don't make me want to run away and hide, they make me think for myself of ways I can change, and it's not even anything in particular they've said...it's more the fact that if people like them exist in this world, then maybe it's not so scary after all. So thank you guys, so much, for being kind.
> 
> And to TCyan: I really hope you do figure out some way to survive comfortably after your parents pass, because I believe it would truly be a waste if you were to kill yourself. I'm going to contradict some people here, but to me you seem remarkably mature and insightful, if stubborn. You've certainly made an impact here, and the world needs more people like you, not less. :heart


Hey, thank you for your kind words. I hope my posts can be helpful at times and make a difference. I also wish that more of the sensitive introverted people in the world could hook up more. I think that's the only place where people will really understand us. I think we are probably HSP (highly sensitive persons). If you're interested Elaine Aron has written a lot about it. If you're an HSP it's important to take care of yourself and not care so much about what other people think. They are not walking in your shoes. The more accepting you are of yourself, you also will find that the social anxiety goes down too because you are not so obsessed with what they think of you. Good luck to you, you are still very young. I wish I had known more about this when I was your age.


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## BoringBum

Tcyan, which is it? Are you happy or are you miserable?

Really man, come on, this is no way to live your life. Nothing in life is as bad as one makes it out to be in their minds, while their thinking about it. You are making life seem super-scary, but how would you know if haven't really experienced it in so long. 

I'm telling you man, try and find the motivation to get better. In the end, you will be happier, right? So why not try and get over this hurdle, to in the end, create something that results in positive changes in your lifestyle. 

Research shows that the number one thing people can do to increase their affect (in the present emotional state) is to be surrounded by people they like (i.e. - friends). So you have the opportunity to experience many new things in life like friendships, relationships, new hobbies, etc. if you can find the motivation to start setting small goals and attaining them. 

Again, nothing in life that we want to take on is as scary as our minds make it out to be, it is just a pain the ***, but not anything that can't be done!


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## dutchguy

Well I must say I think you are to far stuck in your own little world to help yourself out of it. I'm afraid I will follow the same path as you did, actually it inspires me to push myself as soon as possible out of it before its to late to do it all by meself.

I think your story is so sad, its all not necessarily how you live right now. I think someone should literaly pull you out of your house and push you true life.

I don't live in the USA so its a little to far to meet you but is there anyone on SAS that hasn't that bad anxiety who can pull TCyan out of the house?


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## Makaveli

The above post was well said.

Id like to know. The whole friendships and relationships thing, I have alot of trouble interacting with people and while it may not look it, I feel as though I will get rejected and I guess it comes to deep rooted experiences from the past.

So now I have boundaries up and am totally avoidant. Unfortunately all these obvious irrational thoughts seem to just be never ending. I just don't know how to clear my mind. 

I get crazy anxiety on unfamiliar things and panic/struggle. Interacting with people etc. 

I find it hard to change my frame of mind to that whole positive and rational you mentioned. I don't want to harm myself ever but the sheer strength of the depression at times is paralyzing.

Good advice though.


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## TCyan

BoringBum said:


> Tcyan, which is it? Are you happy or are you miserable?
> 
> Really man, come on, this is no way to live your life. Nothing in life is as bad as one makes it out to be in their minds, while their thinking about it. You are making life seem super-scary, but how would you know if haven't really experienced it in so long.





> _I'm telling you man, try and find the motivation to get better. In the end, you will be happier, right? So why not try and get over this hurdle, to in the end, create something that results in positive changes in your lifestyle._


I'm fine with the way I am now. Really! I wake up when I want. I go to sleep when I want. I eat whenever I want. I have no limitations in my world. Everything that I'm missing out on outside of this house, I don't care.



> _Research shows that the number one thing people can do to increase their affect (in the present emotional state) is to be surrounded by people they like (i.e. - friends). So you have the opportunity to experience many new things in life like friendships, relationships, new hobbies, etc. if you can find the motivation to start setting small goals and attaining them.
> 
> Again, nothing in life that we want to take on is as scary as our minds make it out to be, it is just a pain the ***, but not anything that can't be done!_


I don't like being around people (as proven by my anxieties and panic attacks), I don't need friends, I don't need relationships or hobbies or anything of that sort.

I just don't see what would be so great about having a minimum wage job, living by myself in a crappy apartment all alone and working full time just wasting my life away. I'm not going to suddenly find out that I love being around people and want to go out on the town and have a good time. That's just not who I am. I'm introverted. I did have a life when I was younger, and I hated all of it.

Yeah I'm wasting my life away (at least according to all of you, and society) right now being a shut in, but I love living this lifestyle. I just don't care about what I could be missing out on. I know it's not going to last forever, but for now, at least I have my family, and that's all I need.


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## RetroDoll

TCyan said:


> I'm fine with the way I am now. Really! I wake up when I want. I go to sleep when I want. I eat whenever I want. I have no limitations in my world. Everything that I'm missing out on outside of this house, I don't care.
> 
> I don't like being around people (as proven by my anxieties and panic attacks), I don't need friends, I don't need relationships or hobbies or anything of that sort.
> 
> I just don't see what would be so great about having a minimum wage job, living by myself in a crappy apartment all alone and working full time just wasting my life away. I'm not going to suddenly find out that I love being around people and want to go out on the town and have a good time. That's just not who I am. I'm introverted. I did have a life when I was younger, and I hated all of it.
> 
> Yeah I'm wasting my life away (at least according to all of you, and society) right now being a shut in, but I love living this lifestyle. I just don't care about what I could be missing out on. I know it's not going to last forever, but for now, at least I have my family, and that's all I need.


you're not missing much.


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## Aly

Well if you're extremely miserable, YOU need to fix yourself. I know that you're somewhat happy living like that, but if you let yourself go into the outside world, you'll be so much happier, I promise you that. 
You can't just let your parents support you your whole life, that won't get you far. 
Try reconnecting with that girl, i'm sure she wouldn't mind since she was crazy about you(unless she's married)
I probably didn't help at all, but good luck. Just remember, you have to give yourself the motivation to do so.


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## TCyan

Aly said:


> Well if you're extremely miserable, YOU need to fix yourself. I know that you're somewhat happy living like that, but if you let yourself go into the outside world, you'll be so much happier, I promise you that.
> You can't just let your parents support you your whole life, that won't get you far.
> Try reconnecting with that girl, i'm sure she wouldn't mind since she was crazy about you(unless she's married)
> I probably didn't help at all, but good luck. Just remember, you have to give yourself the motivation to do so.


Nope, I'm pretty sure she's long gone with her own life by now. I never got her last name or number or anything, so I can't contact her. I wouldn't even if I could.


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## Cornerstone

There are needs that want to be satisfied. Most of your needs seem to be satisfied.
But one crucial need is left unsatisfied: the need to be useful. I think happiness is not satisfaction of this and this need, but the satisfaction of the total of needs. also the ones that are more "metaphysical" and not just material.
So i understand that you are satisfied with your life. But there are certain needs that are completely unfulfilled (for now). And if happiness is the satisfaction of the totality of all those needs, material and "spiritual", then you are not happy. Rather some needs are satisfied.


----------



## Cornerstone

You should see your various needs as the personnel of a company you're running. They need to be all balanced. One need shouldn't be satisfied at the expense of more important ones.

For example one need might be the need to escape reality.

Another might be the need to be useful to others.

The first is the easiest to satisfy. But through satisfying it, you make the fulfilment of the second one impossible.

The first need is, if we follow the metaphor of a staff, a fun guy that makes ambiance. 
But secretly he's stealing, the company is suffering because of it. So you should fire him, even though he is fun.

I thought like this when i wanted to quit smoking. I saw smoking as a need that seemed fun, but was spoiling it for more important needs, the need to be healthy, for example. So I "fired" this need.

I'm sorry if it sounds a bit idiotic, but i'm hoping i can get something across.


----------



## BTW

TCyan said:


> Not really, most stay at home jobs require you to talk on the phone, and I have a major phobia of that. And if there are any where I can just work over the internet, I can't imagine I would make enough money from that to live on.


Maybe I am naive, but I would have thought that in the whole world wide web there would be some way to make money like this somewhere, and if anyone can find it, you can. It might take a lot of effort and time to find something, but it would surely be better than just giving up.


----------



## TigerB

I've been following this thread a little bit since it came out. I think TS is either in denial about not being happy or just enjoys getting sympathy from people here. I really don't mean dissrespect, but I don't buy your claims. I know I can't relate to people like you, but you're still human and to live life to its fullest it's not possible to be as happy as you can be this way. Or atleast that's what I believe.


----------



## TCyan

tigerblood said:


> I've been following this thread a little bit since it came out. I think TS is either in denial about not being happy or just enjoys getting sympathy from people here. I really don't mean dissrespect, but I don't buy your claims. I know I can't relate to people like you, but you're still human and to live life to its fullest it's not possible to be as happy as you can be this way. Or atleast that's what I believe.


I don't know how I can convey how I feel, but I really do feel happy living this way. I do understand that it isn't the CORRECT way to live. Is it really that hard to understand that even though I know this is wrong and I know I'm causing pain on my family, that I just don't know what else to do? I don't have any motivation to do anything. I have no sense of direction at all.

This is more like a extreme illness than something I can just brush off and force myself to "get a life". I'm sick, and I know I'm sick.

I'm definitely not looking for sympathy either.

I don't really understand why some of you say I'm living in this false happiness. I think I would be dead by now If I wasn't enjoying this a little bit. Like I've said countless times. 12 years. And I'm still not bored of this lifestyle. I enjoy it.

Really, if anyone can remember back to your childhood (if anyone had a childhood like this) when you had summer vacation from school and had nothing to do but sit around playing video games and watching TV for the entire vacation. That's what it's been like for me for 12 years. It just never gets tiring for me. Most people couldn't handle it and would probably be depressed all the time or whatever, but not me. I did go through that at one point, but I got passed it. Now this is just completely normal for me.

My mind is extremely simple, and living this way is just great. Who knows, I might have some a mental disorder and not even know.


----------



## axxvita

TCyan said:


> I don't know how I can convey how I feel, but I really do feel happy living this way. I do understand that it isn't the CORRECT way to live. Is it really that hard to understand that even though I know this is wrong and I know I'm causing pain on my family, that I just don't know what else to do? I don't have any motivation to do anything. I have no sense of direction at all.
> 
> This is more like a extreme illness than something I can just brush off and force myself to "get a life". I'm sick, and I know I'm sick.
> 
> I'm definitely not looking for sympathy either.
> 
> I don't really understand why some of you say I'm living in this false happiness. I think I would be dead by now If I wasn't enjoying this a little bit. Like I've said countless times. 12 years. And I'm still not bored of this lifestyle. I enjoy it.
> 
> Really, if anyone can remember back to your childhood (if anyone had a childhood like this) when you had summer vacation from school and had nothing to do but sit around playing video games and watching TV for the entire vacation. That's what it's been like for me for 12 years. It just never gets tiring for me. Most people couldn't handle it and would probably be depressed all the time or whatever, but not me. I did go through that at one point, but I got passed it. Now this is just completely normal for me.
> 
> My mind is extremely simple, and living this way is just great. Who knows, I might have some a mental disorder and not even know.


Honestly, I think you have Asperger's. Maybe you don't have that but something is abnormal with you and whatever condition it is has a name. Would you feel better knowing you have a condition with a name that others do? I remember my parents yelling at me when I was 7 and to turn off the nintendo because they said I would not be inside the house all summer long playing video games. So they put me in swimming classes and because I took at subtle interesting in modeling at age 9, modeling classes. All during the summer. I never gained anything from these classes and was even made to be a weirdo by the other girls in the modeling class when I was 9 and said this 20-something man dating her mom was cute. But everyone was ew at me. I have just said the wrong things at all the wrong times.

I even did something such as "girl scout brownies" when I was 7-8 and still rejected by my female peers. I guess I was never meant to have female friends. :|


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## axxvita

And I still cannot swim. The teachers at the ymca made sure I never leveled up past "gold fish" level. *rolls eyes*


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## 40watta

I would get too horny. I need that physical contact. You need some girls!


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## Lone Raccoon

TC may I ask If video games are big part of your life? If so how many machines do you own?


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## Geronimo2006

I am also a shut-in, but unlike you I do not live with a parent (my father died in 2009 and I moved to town in 2004). The issue for me is my appearance, which exposes me to public ridicule and humilation at the hands of some cruel young men. PC games are a critical part of my strategy for numbing the loneliness and depression. Humans are supposed to be social-animals but we have always at one stage or another ostracised people for being different. Thankfully this is in the decline for ethnic, religious, sexual-orientation minorities etc. but the stigma of ugliness is alive and well. It is apparently okay to mock and humiliate us in public because of how we are born. As with Black people denied their rights in the past, we are asked to accept this as "natural".


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## TCyan

ghostintheshell said:


> TC may I ask If video games are big part of your life? If so how many machines do you own?


I'm not a big gamer. I only have this one PC (not a gaming machine), one monitor. I don't have any video game consoles. The last console I had was a PS2. I grew up with the original Nintendo, SNES, Sega Genesis, N64, PS1 and finally PS2.

Current gen console games just don't appeal to me.



Geronimo2006 said:


> I am also a shut-in, but unlike you I do not live with a parent (my father died in 2009 and I moved to town in 2004). The issue for me is my appearance, which exposes me to public ridicule and humilation at the hands of some cruel young men. PC games are a critical part of my strategy for numbing the loneliness and depression. Humans are supposed to be social-animals but we have always at one stage or another ostracised people for being different. Thankfully this is in the decline for ethnic, religious, sexual-orientation minorities etc. but the stigma of ugliness is alive and well. It is apparently okay to mock and humiliate us in public because of how we are born. As with Black people denied their rights in the past, we are asked to accept this as "natural".


I'm not too fond with my looks either. I guess since I was able to attract attention from the opposite sex in my school days, I'm not as bad looking as I think? But I do tend to hate my looks and what not. It is pretty sad how people treat others by how they look. I was picked on a few times in Jr high school because of how much of a nerd I looked and It was pretty humiliating. It knocks you down a couple of levels on the confidence scale.


----------



## CosmicNeurotica

I am exactly like you in nearly every way. I am 30. I am a shut in. I have no friends. I watch tv. I play video games. 
The thing for me was, I was complacent with it. Tv and comedy makes me feel that's my home. Like those are my friends. 
I rarely talk to anyone at all. 

Lately I've gotten on the internet to make friends and that was a mistake..

The main difference between you and me, it seems, is that I desperately want to get out. I need love so bad. I become attached to potential friends easily. And when they leave, it's the end of the world for me. I want to talk to them every day. Because I have no one else. 
I've been out before. I've had sex, a girlfriend. I've done a few things (been around some bad people). But over the last 7 years or so, I just can't do anything. I lack any type of skills to be independent. I'm slow. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. My mind is so incredibly lazy. I just don't care. 

The last few nights I've been crying my *** off. And been rejected. By everyone. Some people say nice things, which is nice and makes me feel good. But in the end, you don't care about me enough to help me. You only feel pity for me. 

And so the cycle continues. Forever. I drink every night. That's the only thing I have. And it only gets worse. 

I think about killing myself many times. Sometimes I come close. But I end up just living another miserable day. For years.


----------



## TechNet

TCyan, you may not believe this but I have near enough the exact same mindset as you.
Though I'm still only 20 now, It's been about 1 year of shutting off the outside world.

I do the same, Sit in the house, never go out, play computer games & watch movies...
And I am also happy about it, I like being an Introvert, keeping to myself and just doing my own thing.
Although I'm happy about it, I wouldn't mind having a small social life. I would like to have a relationship with someone but I don't know anyone to even try.

I have no friends, & I'm a virgin. Had 2 girls in the past, totally f**ked both those up.
I don't like social events, not even with my family. I never talk to my family, I just sit on my PC all day.

I feel like I'm a waste of space to everyone else, but then in my mind I'm just living exactly how I want to. Who doesn't want to sit back playing games & watching movies all their life?

And I can't really see a way out of it, I keep waiting for something to happen, Like some girl who I somehow magically meet & she'll stay with me.
I'm a clever guy, I learn a lot of stuff because I have the time to read about everything. But because I have no social life what so ever, I know it won't ever happen.
:/


----------



## TCyan

PlanetarySauce said:


> I am exactly like you in nearly every way. I am 30. I am a shut in. I have no friends. I watch tv. I play video games.
> The thing for me was, I was complacent with it. Tv and comedy makes me feel that's my home. Like those are my friends.
> I rarely talk to anyone at all.
> 
> Lately I've gotten on the internet to make friends and that was a mistake..
> 
> The main difference between you and me, it seems, is that I desperately want to get out. I need love so bad. I become attached to potential friends easily. And when they leave, it's the end of the world for me. I want to talk to them every day. Because I have no one else.
> I've been out before. I've had sex, a girlfriend. I've done a few things (been around some bad people). But over the last 7 years or so, I just can't do anything. I lack any type of skills to be independent. I'm slow. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. My mind is so incredibly lazy. I just don't care.
> 
> The last few nights I've been crying my *** off. And been rejected. By everyone. Some people say nice things, which is nice and makes me feel good. But in the end, you don't care about me enough to help me. You only feel pity for me.
> 
> And so the cycle continues. Forever. I drink every night. That's the only thing I have. And it only gets worse.
> 
> I think about killing myself many times. Sometimes I come close. But I end up just living another miserable day. For years.


I can definitely see that wanting to get out of this slump would be a bigger priority for me if I did used to do things that I miss, like having relationships. That's probably one thing I don't crave or miss because I've never experienced it. That's a big reason why I'm just not motivated to try and change. I don't know what I'm missing, and I don't care about it.



TechNet said:


> TCyan, you may not believe this but I have near enough the exact same mindset as you.
> Though I'm still only 20 now, It's been about 1 year of shutting off the outside world.
> 
> I do the same, Sit in the house, never go out, play computer games & watch movies...
> And I am also happy about it, I like being an Introvert, keeping to myself and just doing my own thing.
> Although I'm happy about it, I wouldn't mind having a small social life. I would like to have a relationship with someone but I don't know anyone to even try.
> 
> I have no friends, & I'm a virgin. Had 2 girls in the past, totally f**ked both those up.
> I don't like social events, not even with my family. I never talk to my family, I just sit on my PC all day.
> 
> I feel like I'm a waste of space to everyone else, but then in my mind I'm just living exactly how I want to. Who doesn't want to sit back playing games & watching movies all their life?
> 
> And I can't really see a way out of it, I keep waiting for something to happen, Like some girl who I somehow magically meet & she'll stay with me.
> I'm a clever guy, I learn a lot of stuff because I have the time to read about everything. But because I have no social life what so ever, I know it won't ever happen.
> :/


Yeah, I feel the same way. Can't help but to enjoy living this way, yet feel like a burden on family or society. But there's no reason for me to want to change. You could tell me all the fantastic stories about stuff people do in their adulthood and I'd just nod and say "no thanks, not for me". Nothing appeals to me. All I want to do is live my stress free life in my room for as long as I can.


----------



## Neptune

Kon said:


> Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.


Word!


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## Neptune

TCyan said:


> Not really looking for answers or help here. I just wanted to make my mark on the world, maybe scare some people into not wanting to become like me, ect. I just like talking about myself and reading about others that have their own problems.


TCyan, you said you've gone to doctors in the past? How did they diagnose you, just curious. As Agoraphobic with Panic Disorder or? I'm interested because you say you are happy (although you say you are aware of not being "really" happy) with just staying in and playing vid games and stuff, which hey, to each his own you know, that's cool. I'm just wondering if maybe there's another underlying problem? I too am interested in reading other people's stories and I found your story to be interesting and couldn't help but want to analyze it a bit  It's good, you're complex (which I see as a good thing )


----------



## Neptune

TCyan said:


> I'm fine with the way I am now. Really! I wake up when I want. I go to sleep when I want. I eat whenever I want. I have no limitations in my world. Everything that I'm missing out on outside of this house, I don't care.
> 
> I don't like being around people (as proven by my anxieties and panic attacks), I don't need friends, I don't need relationships or hobbies or anything of that sort.
> 
> I just don't see what would be so great about having a minimum wage job, living by myself in a crappy apartment all alone and working full time just wasting my life away. I'm not going to suddenly find out that I love being around people and want to go out on the town and have a good time. That's just not who I am. I'm introverted. I did have a life when I was younger, and I hated all of it.
> 
> Yeah I'm wasting my life away (at least according to all of you, and society) right now being a shut in, but I love living this lifestyle. I just don't care about what I could be missing out on. I know it's not going to last forever, but for now, at least I have my family, and that's all I need.


I know what you mean when you say, "according to you all and society" though. I think in America especially there is a of societal pressure, to fit a certain mold, to be "successful" when hey, maybe someone is truly, genuinely happy NOT being what we as a society deem as "successful" I think these societal pressures create a lot of problems in people, making them feel less, depressed etc. because they aren't "successful" and are therefore looked down upon by others. It's a pretty sh*tty deal.

On another note, and sorry if you feel like I'm bombarding you with questions, I find your lack of wanting to connect with people interesting and it's why I wondered if there could be another underlying problem. Then again, you're here speaking with us aren't you? Maybe you want to connect with others more than you realize?


----------



## Neptune

axxvita said:


> Honestly, I think you have Asperger's. Maybe you don't have that but something is abnormal with you and whatever condition it is has a name. Would you feel better knowing you have a condition with a name that others do? I remember my parents yelling at me when I was 7 and to turn off the nintendo because they said I would not be inside the house all summer long playing video games. So they put me in swimming classes and because I took at subtle interesting in modeling at age 9, modeling classes. All during the summer. I never gained anything from these classes and was even made to be a weirdo by the other girls in the modeling class when I was 9 and said this 20-something man dating her mom was cute. But everyone was ew at me. I have just said the wrong things at all the wrong times.
> 
> I even did something such as "girl scout brownies" when I was 7-8 and still rejected by my female peers. I guess I was never meant to have female friends. :|


I was thinking Schizoid Personality Disorder or Aspbergers


----------



## Neptune

but i could be totally wrong! just the perception i've been getting from what i've been reading. this is all just written word so it's hard to tell really.


----------



## TCyan

Neptune said:


> TCyan, you said you've gone to doctors in the past? How did they diagnose you, just curious. As Agoraphobic with Panic Disorder or? I'm interested because you say you are happy (although you say you are aware of not being "really" happy) with just staying in and playing vid games and stuff, which hey, to each his own you know, that's cool. I'm just wondering if maybe there's another underlying problem? I too am interested in reading other people's stories and I found your story to be interesting and couldn't help but want to analyze it a bit  It's good, you're complex (which I see as a good thing )


Well, I only went to two different doctors/psychiatrists. One gave me medication for depression, which did not work at all. It only made my depression worse. I took it for about 5 months.

The other psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression and social anxiety disorder. The day I was diagnosed with SAD, I was left home alone and I fell into a deep depression to the point of wanting to kill myself. Long story short, I had bloody knuckles and there was blood on walls all over the house that night. My parents were pretty shocked at what I did. It's kind of hard to remember it because It was like my mind went blank and my body is reacted on it's own.

This psychiatrist also wanted to push me right way in the first session. He talked about how I must do this and that, a bunch of things that I was extremely afraid of (driving being one that I remember). Just being told that I need to do these things was making me freak out in my mind.

Anyway, yeah I've never been diagnosed with Agoraphobia because after that incident, we all just gave up on seeing doctors/psychiatrists. I just quit going outside in general after I left my job, and just by default became an agoraphobic. After I quit my job, I literally had no reason to go outside anymore, so I never did.



Neptune said:


> I know what you mean when you say, "according to you all and society" though. I think in America especially there is a of societal pressure, to fit a certain mold, to be "successful" when hey, maybe someone is truly, genuinely happy NOT being what we as a society deem as "successful" I think these societal pressures create a lot of problems in people, making them feel less, depressed etc. because they aren't "successful" and are therefore looked down upon by others. It's a pretty sh*tty deal.
> 
> On another note, and sorry if you feel like I'm bombarding you with questions, I find your lack of wanting to connect with people interesting and it's why I wondered if there could be another underlying problem. Then again, you're here speaking with us aren't you? Maybe you want to connect with others more than you realize?


I used to get depressed from lack of social activity probably around year 2-3 of my agoraphobia, but It eventually passed and I haven't had any depressive moments happen again since. I feel like everyday is completely normal for me now, living this way.

I don't know if there is some kind of underlying problem or not. It would surely explain a lot if I did have something else.


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## dutchguy

TCyan,

What are you waiting for? Why do you think you should wait until your parents are gone and then end your life?
Do you know why you think this way? Because you're not really living. You must start a life for yourself. You don't have to do it for some one else, but then do it for your own body. It's not on this earth to sit around waiting until the end.
Panic attacks, anxiety, depression are obstacles but not goals on itself to fill your life with. 

Ok your past was bad or not functional, but come on ,its enough, try something else!
And don't say "but I feel fine this way or you have no motivation to change anything"
Come one anyone should feel that way if he was living a life like you do.

Come on TCyan! COME ON!

I think a lot of social anxiety comes from overthinking to much. You have to stop yourself! how? by doing something!

A lot of people( I think everybody) blames about feeling lazy and ****ty when they have nothing to do.
Please go back to life!. Think about yourself as that innocent child you where born. This is not your end. You're not done, you may have another 50 years of life ahead of you.
COME ON!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## moke64916

TCyan. I feel sorry for you. I really do. You are experiencing the same symptoms people that have been in prison for 20 years and longer. THen when they get out it's a shock. It is out of their comfort zone. I think you are not happy, you are just so comfortable with being in your house and escaping through video games, TV, and internet. I have had araphobia. THe only way to get past your problems is to force yourself to get out of the house. It will feel scary at first, but the more you are out there, the more comfortable you become. Your parents are big enablers. You are aware of what your situation is. You are 30. You know what you need to do to get yourself out of this cycle. I do not need to give you advise. You have to truly want it in your heart to become a normal functional contributing member of society. It's not too late though. But I can not help you if you don't want to change. Nobody can help you if you don't truly want to change. I think you should give medication such as Xanax, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Librium, or some anti-anxiety med to take when you leave the house. The medications help. It will take a LOT of work on your part to change. It will take years of work to undo what reality you have created. You are smart. You know what you need to do. None of us can help you if you are not willing to help yourself.


----------



## Titanic Explorer

TCyan said:


> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. .


Then what is the problem? If you are happy and don't want to change, then nothing will change- Don't let life pass you by. Staying inside and watching tv is not a life. Been there done that, and I realized my life was ticking away...I hope you can overcome this, it's a lifelong struggle- take baby steps if you are commited to a change...
But if you are happy with the way things are, then there is nothing that can be done

But i really hope you will be willing to change, and ask for help need be. I once had a friend whose situaion was like the one you described- but in the end she took her own life. 
If you ever get to that point, please do NOT give up on life


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## Titanic Explorer

moke64916 said:


> TCyan. I feel sorry for you. I really do. You are experiencing the same symptoms people that have been in prison for 20 years and longer. .


I think many people who are housebound will readily admit it feels like they are in a prison cell- the 'bars' they need to cut through is their own willingness to step outside. For some people, it is no easy task.
But sadly, many do resign to live lives in self imposed isolation...


----------



## Marlon

Deep inside you, I know you want to change. No one wants to live in isolation, if you do then you are telling yourself a lie. You wouldn't be on these forums if you were comfortable with your lifestyle. You stated that you are unhappy with your lifestyle but you don't want to change. I can tell you now that you do want to change ... you are just afraid of changing.

Psychiatrists, I don't even know what they are for. Medication, same as psychiatrists. It just boils down to the fact that the only person who can change you is you.

Sometimes I feel the best way of overcoming anxiety is by plunging ourselves in the deep end.


----------



## CosmicNeurotica

moke64916 said:


> TCyan. I feel sorry for you. I really do. You are experiencing the same symptoms people that have been in prison for 20 years and longer. THen when they get out it's a shock. It is out of their comfort zone. I think you are not happy, you are just so comfortable with being in your house and escaping through video games, TV, and internet. I have had araphobia. THe only way to get past your problems is to force yourself to get out of the house. It will feel scary at first, but the more you are out there, the more comfortable you become. Your parents are big enablers. You are aware of what your situation is. You are 30. You know what you need to do to get yourself out of this cycle. I do not need to give you advise. You have to truly want it in your heart to become a normal functional contributing member of society. It's not too late though. But I can not help you if you don't want to change. Nobody can help you if you don't truly want to change. I think you should give medication such as Xanax, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Librium, or some anti-anxiety med to take when you leave the house. The medications help. It will take a LOT of work on your part to change. It will take years of work to undo what reality you have created. You are smart. You know what you need to do. None of us can help you if you are not willing to help yourself.


Yeah, I can relate and agree to this. I've always said my condition is like being on house arrest. I may as well have committed a serious crime and am being punished for it. 
It's not being happy, it's being complacent. 
TCyan, You (and me) both know we need to change. But we have no motivation to. Where will we get motivation when we feel we can just stay here and live? 
The parents _are_ the problem in these situations. As enablers, they don't help us out. They don't start _us_ on the path to be able to help ourselves.

Maybe you don't try because you feel when you do try you can't function? Words are hard to come by, ideas are hard to put into words. It's like you spend so much time not even having friends to talk to, it's just hard to even speak because you live so much in your head.

How did we end up this way? 
I think it's a combination of possible aspergers (in my case), our natural shyness, and of course the enablers.
Because if we had good people to help us along the way all these years, you and me both could have been (and be) experiencing the many joys of what life should truly be about, and be able to do it alone.

So now what? 
You're right moke. The only way to change is to feel it in our heart and want it enough. Which I have done a few times. But I always end up right back here where I started. Meds don't help. People won't help. What are you supposed to do when you try to help yourself, but in doing so need the help of others who are just never there?
Always back to square 1.


----------



## TCyan

PlanetarySauce said:


> You're right moke. The only way to change is to feel it in our heart and want it enough. Which I have done a few times. But I always end up right back here where I started. Meds don't help. People won't help. What are you supposed to do when you try to help yourself, but in doing so need the help of others who are just never there?
> Always back to square 1.


Even if my parents offered to help me, I'd refuse to hell and back, so that's probably why they just let me be. My mother occasionally says "You should get a job doing such and such" and I immediately go into "LALALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU" mode in my mind like a child because I don't want to hear it. Sometimes she'll say something like "We should find you a nice girl", and all I do is roll my eyes thinking "Yeah, right" in a pessimistic way.

Whenever I do try to listen to what she is talking about, being a specific job she found that she thinks I could do, I just sit there thinking panicky thoughts and getting extremely nervous and anxious. Then I say or do whatever I can to just change the subject or walk away.

I can't do anything but hide in my room for the rest of my life. It's too stress-free and comfortable in here for me to want to experience anything else in life.


----------



## CosmicNeurotica

TCyan, you don't get lonely?
What do you do for friends? 
Don't you want a relationship with someone to share your life and experiences with?

And yeah, I do what you do as well. But just having someone say to do something is not helping. Help me get into therapy. To be around others who _can_ help me. 
Because it's clear you parented me this way for this long and it didn't work, I don't see how you can help me now.

Does your mom still try to treat you like a child? Mine does. My mom is an overbearing do everything for you smothering type of person. She tries to do everything for everyone else so much she doesn't do anything for herself. It's like an obsession. She's addicted to this.. wanting to baby children thing. 
If she sees a baby or child, she gets giddy it's almost sickening. 
And my step-dad is just a person I never connected with. We hardly talk. I still feel uncomfortable around him even after him and my mom have been married for 22 years.
He was never a dad. Probably because I rejected him as a dad. Not because I don't like him. But because he's not my dad. Hard to explain that one really. We just never meshed with that type of relationship. 
Right now he's just the guy my mom married, had a daughter with, and I'm just the guy stuck living with them.

But back to my original question, don't you ever get lonely? I find just complete loneliness the main reason I want to die.


----------



## Akemi

TCyan said:


> Sometimes she'll say something like "We should find you a nice girl", and all I do is roll my eyes thinking "Yeah, right" in a pessimistic way.


*This makes me slightly curious... TCyan, do you believe in or have a waifu? Are 2-dimensional girls vastly superior to 3-dimensional girls? Are you completely disinterested in the idea of a 3D relationship, or are you simply pessimistic about it?
Myself, I am truly disinterested in 3D relationships. Years of completely absorbing myself in anime and visual novels have led to me being purely attracted to 2D, and I literally believe real people are pig disgusting. I see images of typically "good looking" people and I just feel very turned off. However, send me a lewd image of (and I hope this doesn't lead to much flaming) an attractive loli, and I will feel very happy inside.
*


----------



## kooshi

I can relate to you in some ways...
This was very sad to read it almost made me cry. I really hope that you get better so you can live the life that you want to live.
I'm looking for hope too. I'm getting medication in August, zoloft. I'm scared that it won't help me and that I will live in misery forever. But maybe it will help me and I can become the person that I want to be. So then I can get a job, get a G1, hang out with friends, and experiance more things like teens are supposed to.
This post really touched me. I hope for the best I'm sure you'll find it.


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## TCyan

Akemi said:


> *This makes me slightly curious... TCyan, do you believe in or have a waifu? Are 2-dimensional girls vastly superior to 3-dimensional girls? Are you completely disinterested in the idea of a 3D relationship, or are you simply pessimistic about it?
> Myself, I am truly disinterested in 3D relationships. Years of completely absorbing myself in anime and visual novels have led to me being purely attracted to 2D, and I literally believe real people are pig disgusting. I see images of typically "good looking" people and I just feel very turned off. However, send me a lewd image of (and I hope this doesn't lead to much flaming) an attractive loli, and I will feel very happy inside.
> *


Wow, this came out of left field.

Yeah, I really love anime and my favorite anime are romance dramas. Watching characters fall in love and develop relationships and start families, tragic breakups, love triangles, and all that "girly" stuff, I really like a lot. I suppose this is kind of why I don't really care about wanting to experience it myself in real life? I'm not totally obsessed with anime like a lot of people, but I do like to watch it quite a bit.

I am attracted to real life women, or should I say "3D girls". I'm not attracted or anything by "2D girls" or anything like that. I just watch anime for the engaging stories. The art style in anime is very nice to look at, but that's about it. No I don't have a "waifu".

I just find it funny that I understood your post word for word. I didn't think I would run into someone like you on this forum.

I do understand the concept if what you describe, that being attracted to anime characters more than real life people. But I don't think I fall in that category. I think I just appreciate anime art style for what it is and that's it. There's no doubt that anime girls can look extremely attractive, but I don't see them as living beings. It's just art.


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan, Why do I think you ignore the good suggestions people make and only answer the post that let you stay in this life.

I'm some what in the same situation as you are. Aftet I quit school at the age of 20 I didn't do anything social anymore. I'm now almost 25 and I'm very stuck in this lifestyle. But I recently created little breaks in this lifestyle. Like going for a walk almost everyday, riding my bike almost every day. And going to work. I never saw the real problem for this kind of lifestyle that we have, but it really is a problem. This is no way of life. Yes you get used to it after a while. But you know, because I'm now more aware of what I am all missing I suddenly see al lot of people that seem interessting to me and that I would love to be friends with. But until now I haven't got any.

I can't stand it!, myself but also you. This is not neccecary at all. We are to isolated thats why we have all kinds of excuses to not change the way we are. Don't expect your brain to react differently after more and more thinking. STOP thinking by start doing. Overthinking causes a lot of problems.


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## Akemi

TCyan said:


> I am attracted to real life women, or should I say "3D girls". I'm not attracted or anything by "2D girls" or anything like that. I just watch anime for the engaging stories. The art style in anime is very nice to look at, but that's about it. No I don't have a "waifu".
> 
> I just find it funny that I understood your post word for word. I didn't think I would run into someone like you on this forum.


*I am very pleased you understood everything I said! I was half worried some of the terms I used would fall on deaf ears. I can appreciate that you simply view anime as art. I suppose to each his own.
I was also skeptical that I would meet someone, at the very least, anime-competent on this forum.
You mentioned enjoying romance anime? Which would be you favorite? I hope I am not derailing this thread too much. Personally, I am a fan of KEY adaptations. Kanon, AIR, Clannad. Toradora was also very enjoyable!

I used to simply view anime as art, however eventually I fell into the horrible spiral that is attraction to 2D. My "waifu" is Saya. From SnU. If you understand that, I will be truly impressed. I do it all. Candle-lit meals for two, celebrating anniversaries, the works.
*


----------



## Paper Samurai

Akemi said:


> *I am very pleased you understood everything I said! I was half worried some of the terms I used would fall on deaf ears. I can appreciate that you simply view anime as art. I suppose to each his own.
> I was also skeptical that I would meet someone, at the very least, anime-competent on this forum.
> You mentioned enjoying romance anime? Which would be you favorite? I hope I am not derailing this thread too much. Personally, I am a fan of KEY adaptations. Kanon, AIR, Clannad. Toradora was also very enjoyable!
> 
> I used to simply view anime as art, however eventually I fell into the horrible spiral that is attraction to 2D. My "waifu" is Saya. From SnU. If you understand that, I will be truly impressed. I do it all. Candle-lit meals for two, celebrating anniversaries, the works.
> *


In my experience, people who think alot and/or introverts (particuarly in our age group) are quite likely to be into anime heh  Hence why there is actually quite a few fans here on SAS - heck there's even an entire Anime group set up on here with there own dedicated sub forum.


----------



## michaelj203

Sounds like you're afraid of what's called "the spotlight". That's a term I heard from a counselor I was going to a few years ago. Those with SA feel the spotlight come on them as soon as they leave their homes or at least feel like they are coming out of hiding. It was interesting when you talked about hating christmas and fearing happiness. These things aren't necessarily social things but they put you in the spotlight because they make you feel less insignificant. I don't think you are happy as much as you are content with just being out of the spotlight, because you feel totally insignificant.


----------



## TCyan

Akemi said:


> *I am very pleased you understood everything I said! I was half worried some of the terms I used would fall on deaf ears. I can appreciate that you simply view anime as art. I suppose to each his own.
> I was also skeptical that I would meet someone, at the very least, anime-competent on this forum.
> You mentioned enjoying romance anime? Which would be you favorite? I hope I am not derailing this thread too much. Personally, I am a fan of KEY adaptations. Kanon, AIR, Clannad. Toradora was also very enjoyable!
> 
> I used to simply view anime as art, however eventually I fell into the horrible spiral that is attraction to 2D. My "waifu" is Saya. From SnU. If you understand that, I will be truly impressed. I do it all. Candle-lit meals for two, celebrating anniversaries, the works.
> *


KEY/Kyoto Ani are my favorite. I've seen AIR and Clannad (Clannad After Story, simply amazing), but not Kanon yet. I've also heard of Toradora but haven't seen it yet. I do plan on watching both of these soon though. I assume Saya no Uta is what you are talking about? I haven't heard of that. I haven't tried any visual novels yet and I rarely read manga. I usually just stick to anime.



michaelj203 said:


> Sounds like you're afraid of what's called "the spotlight". That's a term I heard from a counselor I was going to a few years ago. Those with SA feel the spotlight come on them as soon as they leave their homes or at least feel like they are coming out of hiding. It was interesting when you talked about hating christmas and fearing happiness. These things aren't necessarily social things but they put you in the spotlight because they make you feel less insignificant. I don't think you are happy as much as you are content with just being out of the spotlight, because you feel totally insignificant.


That makes sense. I do feel like I'm being watched by everyone when I am out in public, and when I am having a panic attack, the last thing I want to do is draw attention, yet having the panic attacks draws attention because of my hyperventilation and crouching on the floor and what not. It's very unpleasant.


----------



## Owl Eyes

TCyan said:


> Hate to say it, but I do plan on just killing myself. The reason why I haven't now is because of the pain it would cause my family. That's why I said I'd wait until they were gone first.
> 
> I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on anything out there that I would regret not doing later in life. I'm just so introverted that nothing outside of this house is interesting at all. I'm totally content with living and dying in this house and never accomplishing anything.
> 
> Whether a sane person is typing all this or not, I don't have an answer. For all I know, I could be extremely insane. But like I've said before. I just don't care enough to want to change. This is absolutely heaven for me, having no responsibilities besides very minor stuff to do around the house and that's it.
> 
> You have to realize, I've been this way for 12 solid years. Any normal person would have been driven to madness by now. But not me. I've had my days where I was very depressed, but I always got past them because I knew living this way is just so much easier than trying to fight against my anxieties and panic attacks in the real world.
> 
> I'm afraid to say, nothing anyone can say will ever make me want to change. Not family, not men, not women, nobody. I'm willing to rot in this room for the rest of my life.
> 
> I know it's sad, but there's no hope for someone like me. I'm too stubborn to listen to any of you.


being suicidal is considered "madness" to me. I wish you, or no one, ever felt that way. oh well, i can't force you to change your mind. you are very stubborn :no


----------



## TCyan

Owl Eyes said:


> being suicidal is considered "madness" to me. I wish you, or no one, ever felt that way. oh well, i can't force you to change your mind. you are very stubborn :no


It's more like I'd rather end it on my own terms then waiting for the unknown in the future. Good or bad, I'd rather just avoid the bad and be done with it. But you're right.


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> It's more like I'd rather end it on my own terms then waiting for the unknown in the future. Good or bad, I'd rather just avoid the bad and be done with it. But you're right.


You're so out of touch with reality. You take yourself way to seriously. There's nothing wrong with you!
Yes you have anxiety isues but I think thats not the reason why you feel the way you do now, its because of your long term isolation. You have no goal in life, nobody is going to give his all best if there is no goal to look out to.

Start thinking about a plan how you can live a life that looks like other peoples life. Don't even think about how to solve your anxiety, focus on getting a life.
The good feelings, the motivation, the rewards, the friends, the girlfriend will all come after that.
And why not, you have nothing to loose when you're waiting until dead.


----------



## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> You're so out of touch with reality. You take yourself way to seriously. There's nothing wrong with you!
> Yes you have anxiety isues but I think thats not the reason why you feel the way you do now, its because of your long term isolation. You have no goal in life, nobody is going to give his all best if there is no goal to look out to.
> 
> Start thinking about a plan how you can live a life that looks like other peoples life. Don't even think about how to solve your anxiety, focus on getting a life.
> The good feelings, the motivation, the rewards, the friends, the girlfriend will all come after that.
> And why not, you have nothing to loose when you're waiting until dead.


I don't know. I've been reading a lot of topics on this forum from people that work and generally have lives, but still are living in a difficult world, not able to find relationships with anyone, and just feeling generally miserable about their lives.

What makes you think I can get a life and get a girlfriend have good things happen in my future? I just don't see that happening. The best I can aim for is a crappy low pay job and being alone the rest of my life. That sounds worse than how I'm living right now, and worse than just being in a grave.


----------



## dutchguy

TCyan said:


> I don't know. I've been reading a lot of topics on this forum from people that work and generally have lives, but still are living in a difficult world, not able to find relationships with anyone, and just feeling generally miserable about their lives.
> 
> What makes you think I can get a life and get a girlfriend have good things happen in my future? I just don't see that happening. The best I can aim for is a crappy low pay job and being alone the rest of my life. That sounds worse than how I'm living right now, and worse than just being in a grave.


I see some people doing very crappy jobs but are very happy. If you have no children or wife you don't even have to work that hard because you probaly don't need that much of money.

Why I think you can have everything in life, because I still work at and see a lot of people. They are not in majoity but I see people that I can be friends with because there not that extrovert themselfs or are very nice to me and not judgemental. I just can see it almost imidiatly when a person is from the "introvert" type.

I think your goal should be to become friends with such people. Some people are very easy and acceptable for anyone. Then you are not alone anymore. From that stage you can step by step further and maybe find a girlfriend one day.
While being "out there" you maybe find potentional talents in yourself, music?, painting? and then you can find more easily same minded people.

I just think there's still a lot of uppertunity for you but you don't see it. But that doesn't matter just do what other people are doing, but do them your own way, you are not different then them.


----------



## TCyan

dutchguy said:


> I see some people doing very crappy jobs but are very happy. If you have no children or wife you don't even have to work that hard because you probaly don't need that much of money.
> 
> Why I think you can have everything in life, because I still work at and see a lot of people. They are not in majoity but I see people that I can be friends with because there not that extrovert themselfs or are very nice to me and not judgemental. I just can see it almost imidiatly when a person is from the "introvert" type.
> 
> I think your goal should be to become friends with such people. Some people are very easy and acceptable for anyone. Then you are not alone anymore. From that stage you can step by step further and maybe find a girlfriend one day.
> While being "out there" you maybe find potentional talents in yourself, music?, painting? and then you can find more easily same minded people.
> 
> I just think there's still a lot of uppertunity for you but you don't see it. But that doesn't matter just do what other people are doing, but do them your own way, you are not different then them.


I appreciate all the effort, but I just don't have any motivation to do anything. At the very least, perhaps others like me are reading your posts and getting the deal, but I'm not.


----------



## CosmicNeurotica

TCyan, once you step outside of the world you live in and get things going, you will wonder how you ever lived like you do now.
It kind of hurts me a bit actually that you didn't seem to care or respond to my earlier post. I don't mean to hijack your problems with mine, this is your topic, but I was hoping we could find some sort of connection and relation to our problems.

But for whatever reason, you're just plain stubborn. You really don't want help? 
If not, why did you post this?
I think one of the topics underneath mine was right. You're just looking for any way you can for any excuse to stay the way you've been living. 
I for one ****ing hate living like this. But there's not much I can do by myself..


----------



## TCyan

I guess I got sidetracked by another post.



PlanetarySauce said:


> TCyan, you don't get lonely?
> What do you do for friends?
> Don't you want a relationship with someone to share your life and experiences with?
> 
> And yeah, I do what you do as well. But just having someone say to do something is not helping. Help me get into therapy. To be around others who _can_ help me.
> Because it's clear you parented me this way for this long and it didn't work, I don't see how you can help me now.
> 
> Does your mom still try to treat you like a child? Mine does. My mom is an overbearing do everything for you smothering type of person. She tries to do everything for everyone else so much she doesn't do anything for herself. It's like an obsession. She's addicted to this.. wanting to baby children thing.
> If she sees a baby or child, she gets giddy it's almost sickening.
> And my step-dad is just a person I never connected with. We hardly talk. I still feel uncomfortable around him even after him and my mom have been married for 22 years.
> He was never a dad. Probably because I rejected him as a dad. Not because I don't like him. But because he's not my dad. Hard to explain that one really. We just never meshed with that type of relationship.
> Right now he's just the guy my mom married, had a daughter with, and I'm just the guy stuck living with them.
> 
> But back to my original question, don't you ever get lonely? I find just complete loneliness the main reason I want to die.


I used to get lonely like around year 2-3 of my being a shut in, but after that? No I don't anymore. I have my family, and that's enough. If you mean lonely as wanting a girlfriend, again no, I don't think about that anymore. I'm just numb to loneliness now. It's completely natural for me.

I don't have any friends and I don't want any friends. I guess the occasional person to talk to online is okay, but I haven't had any good friends online to talk to in a friendship/relationship manner in several years. It's really hard for me to make friends with people online, because I just want to spend time alone. I don't really want to be chatting in AIM/MSN for minutes/hours at a time with someone. I did that enough a few years ago and It didn't help me. Those friendships ended.

Someone to share my life experiences with? Haven't thought about it. That and a lot of adult things I just don't ever think about.

Both of my parents treat me well. I don't ever feel like I'm being treated like a kid or anything. They know I am grown up. I'm definitely closer to my mother. We talk about random stuff on a daily basis. My father, I just don't click with him. I love both of them very much but it's really hard to be around him and talk to him. I don't think I've ever sat down and had a talk about anything with him ever. I imagine he wishes we had that father/son connection, but I just can't with him. My brother can connect with him a little better than I can.


----------



## dutchguy

But you shouldn't follow your emotions so much. The situation that you're in is very logical everybody would feel that way after long term isolation. How can u espect motivation from that?!

You should now force yourself to think as rational as you can, dont follow the path of "i feel no motivation" "i feel anxiety" "i feel numb".


----------



## Zen Mechanics

Akemi said:


> *This makes me slightly curious... TCyan, do you believe in or have a waifu? Are 2-dimensional girls vastly superior to 3-dimensional girls? Are you completely disinterested in the idea of a 3D relationship, or are you simply pessimistic about it?
> Myself, I am truly disinterested in 3D relationships. Years of completely absorbing myself in anime and visual novels have led to me being purely attracted to 2D, and I literally believe real people are pig disgusting. I see images of typically "good looking" people and I just feel very turned off. However, send me a lewd image of (and I hope this doesn't lead to much flaming) an attractive loli, and I will feel very happy inside.
> *


wut. what is a 'loli'?


----------



## Cornerstone

You should read the novel "Oblomov". It's about someone like you.

Anyway, you place us before some interesting questions. Indeed, who are we to say how you should live your life? if your parents are willing to feed you till the end of your days, so be it. Maybe you should ask yourself whether they are happy rather than yourself. 

People go on about a "real", "full" life. This is debatable. They have no objective arguments. It is the life society desires of its members.

In the "real world", everyone is fighting for a place under the sun; This people consider the purpose of their life: to have fought for something and claim it.
You don't have to fight. You are given a small space to inhabit. Any desire you have is catered for.

Kind of like an animal that's born in a zoo and wouldn't know what to do in the wildlife.


----------



## dutchguy

Cornerstone said:


> You should read the novel "Oblomov". It's about someone like you.
> 
> Anyway, you place us before some interesting questions. Indeed, who are we to say how you should live your life? if your parents are willing to feed you till the end of your days, so be it. Maybe you should ask yourself whether they are happy rather than yourself.
> 
> People go on about a "real", "full" life. This is debatable. They have no objective arguments. It is the life society desires of its members.
> 
> In the "real world", everyone is fighting for a place under the sun; This people consider the purpose of their life: to have fought for something and claim it.
> You don't have to fight. You are given a small space to inhabit. Any desire you have is catered for.
> 
> Kind of like an animal that's born in a zoo and wouldn't know what to do in the wildlife.


But life is pointless if you don't set goals for yourself. Staying depressed and feeling numb is no reason to do nothing anymore in life.


----------



## ambergris

dutchguy said:


> But life is pointless if you don't set goals for yourself. Staying depressed and feeling numb is no reason to do nothing anymore in life.


All too often, goals are just another thing for depressive people to use to beat themselves up. We set ourselves goals in order to overcome our depression and anxiety, we fail to achieve them because we're depressed and anxious, we feel like failures and our depression and anxiety get worse. It is a vicious circle.

Goals are not a treatment program or a magic solution to give your meaningless life a purpose. If they are not something that you genuinely want to achieve then they are worse than useless.


----------



## TCyan

Cornerstone said:


> You should read the novel "Oblomov". It's about someone like you.
> 
> Anyway, you place us before some interesting questions. Indeed, who are we to say how you should live your life? if your parents are willing to feed you till the end of your days, so be it. Maybe you should ask yourself whether they are happy rather than yourself.
> 
> People go on about a "real", "full" life. This is debatable. They have no objective arguments. It is the life society desires of its members.
> 
> In the "real world", everyone is fighting for a place under the sun; This people consider the purpose of their life: to have fought for something and claim it.
> You don't have to fight. You are given a small space to inhabit. Any desire you have is catered for.
> 
> Kind of like an animal that's born in a zoo and wouldn't know what to do in the wildlife.


I think my parents are very saddened knowing that I am missing out on "life", but they still support me 100% on how I choose to live. My mother still tries to get me to at least think about getting a job and she sometimes talks about how I should find a girlfriend, but it all falls on deaf ears. My dad one time said to me that I'm missing out on so much. But I don't care.



dutchguy said:


> But life is pointless if you don't set goals for yourself. Staying depressed and feeling numb is no reason to do nothing anymore in life.


I don't know what to say other than, this is just all opinion. I don't need goals and I'm not living all sad and depressed. I'm fine the way I am.


----------



## modus

TCyan said:


> I don't know what to say other than, this is just all opinion. I don't need goals and I'm not living all sad and depressed. I'm fine the way I am.


Then why in the world did you make this thread? Since you put a *thumbs down *as an icon next to your thread title, the first assumption is naturally that you are unsatisfied.

What is the overall message you're trying to convey to us? The moral of the story?


----------



## TCyan

exobyte said:


> Then why in the world did you make this thread? Since you put a *thumbs down *as an icon next to your thread title, the first assumption is naturally that you are unsatisfied.
> 
> What is the overall message you're trying to convey to us? The moral of the story?


First of all, I didn't select that thumbs down, I had my adblock/no script on and for some reason, it defaulted to that thumbs down for some reason. It's ironic I know.

I said before in the topic that all I wanted was to vent and see what people thought. That's it. Then I also realized that this would be a good read for others like me that might be falling into this kind of lifestyle as well, and that maybe they should change before it's too late, like me and some others here. I just feel like It's far beyond repair to fix my life and I don't really want to. That's all.


----------



## fonz

Are you on the unemployment benefit? If so,wouldn't the employment agency be hounding you to look for work? Or do your parents pay you an allowance?


----------



## TCyan

fonz said:


> Are you on the unemployment benefit? If so,wouldn't the employment agency be hounding you to look for work? Or do your parents pay you an allowance?


I'm not on unemployment, and I don't get an allowance. I've only bought 1 thing in the last 12 years with my own money, and that was a $10 game.


----------



## Knowbody

I can relate


----------



## fonz

TCyan said:


> I'm not on unemployment, and I don't get an allowance. I've only bought 1 thing in the last 12 years with my own money, and that was a $10 game.


But wouldn't it be a good idea to get some money saved for when your parents are gone?


----------



## TCyan

fonz said:


> But wouldn't it be a good idea to get some money saved for when your parents are gone?


I imagine they will leave me all of their money after they are gone. It might last me a little while at best. These are things I just don't think about.


----------



## nervousman

TCyan, you should join the military and fight terrorists.


----------



## CosmicNeurotica

I get disability. And I use most of it on liquor.
Glad you're happy living this way. I'm not.


----------



## nervousman

Getting a job really helped me. It didn't help my social anxiety, but it helped to distract me from my extreme isolation and lonelyness. I also never take vacations. If I'm off for more than 2 days in a row I get very depressed about not having a girlfriend. At this point I just wanna feel ok and get through lifer with some joy


----------



## justpassinby

I was a shut-in for an extended period of time. I was a shut in for about 7 years. I didn't live with my parents, though. My mother would never have tolerated that. I always needed to have a job, in spite of having SA all of my life, because I could not fall back on parents. 

Eventually I found a job to escape the physical manifestations of SA (blushing, TMJ/grinding teeth, anorexia, brain fog, headaches, mental confusion, others) and found a job working at home. I had the advantage of working out of my home as I was too anxious to work around people. 

After a couple years working at home, I began doing weird things to entertain myself like drinking and chatting online (that stuff is weird to me now as I do social things and am sober no offense to those who do that stuff). I also had problems with paranoia and became a hypochondriac. I would look up illnesses, and inspect my body for any symptom that would indicate an illness and worry myself into a frenzy over it. I was in a relationship at the time, but we were more like roommates, as I spent most of my time chatting.

The only times I would leave my house were to go to the grocery store to shop or visit my mother. During those outings, I wanted to be invisible. I did not want to look at people, let alone talk to them. My paranoia about being stared at sometimes was not actual paranoia, but people truly observing me closely and suspiciously, as I probably looked ill and uncomfortable. I did not keep up with my hair style as I was out of touch with friends and trends, and the only opinion and input I had was from myself, and how could I give an informed opinion of my own appearance if I was a shut-in with no social skills? I would go to my mothers and hardly speak a word, just go there to be there and try to be normal because normal people visit their parents.

I had created this nice small world where I could function at a low level. I think I fooled myself into believing I was content at the time, because I had nothing to compare it to, like a healthy, full social life. I look back and see it as quite a flat existence. I spent so much time in isolation, I did not bounce my ideas off of other brains, and suddenly became this intellectual philosopher/poet, when in actuality, I was just in a dark place spinning my wheels. 

Being a shut-in made my anxiety worse because eventually I had to change my life in order to be happy. I had to go outside because I eventually became too restless and unhappy. I was in for a rude awakening because people around me were definitely unforgiving, the ones I first encountered during my early years of re-entering the world. I was weird, awkward, had no style, no personality, I was fragile, scared, confused, clueless. The world seemed so hostile after leaving that safe bubble. People are downright nasty, verbally abusive. One example was a vendor at a movie rental. The way he looked at me...hard to explain. Like how someone would inspect a really ugly bug or something, I don't know.  When I purchased my movies I remember him looking at me like that, like I wasn't a person. Then he said "you have yourself a nice little day" in a real condescending tone. So, my appearance and behavior were both way off the social scale.

I'm glad I had that time, in a way, because I can see how far i've come from that lonely place. I found a nice balance between shut-in and social. I'm definitely not a social person, but there are some aspects to socializing I cannot go without anymore when comparing those specific times in my life. If you are content and happy with your life as a shut-in, I believe you. You have no reason to come on here and lie and want to change. But if you had something else to compare it too, it would change your perspective I think. It takes going through discomfort though.


----------



## TCyan

justpassinby said:


> I was a shut-in for an extended period of time. I was a shut in for about 7 years. I didn't live with my parents, though. My mother would never have tolerated that. I always needed to have a job, in spite of having SA all of my life, because I could not fall back on parents.
> 
> Eventually I found a job to escape the physical manifestations of SA (blushing, TMJ/grinding teeth, anorexia, brain fog, headaches, mental confusion, others) and found a job working at home. I had the advantage of working out of my home as I was too anxious to work around people.
> 
> After a couple years working at home, I began doing weird things to entertain myself like drinking and chatting online (that stuff is weird to me now as I do social things and am sober no offense to those who do that stuff). I also had problems with paranoia and became a hypochondriac. I would look up illnesses, and inspect my body for any symptom that would indicate an illness and worry myself into a frenzy over it. I was in a relationship at the time, but we were more like roommates, as I spent most of my time chatting.
> 
> The only times I would leave my house were to go to the grocery store to shop or visit my mother. During those outings, I wanted to be invisible. I did not want to look at people, let alone talk to them. My paranoia about being stared at sometimes was not actual paranoia, but people truly observing me closely and suspiciously, as I probably looked ill and uncomfortable. I did not keep up with my hair style as I was out of touch with friends and trends, and the only opinion and input I had was from myself, and how could I give an informed opinion of my own appearance if I was a shut-in with no social skills? I would go to my mothers and hardly speak a word, just go there to be there and try to be normal because normal people visit their parents.
> 
> I had created this nice small world where I could function at a low level. I think I fooled myself into believing I was content at the time, because I had nothing to compare it to, like a healthy, full social life. I look back and see it as quite a flat existence. I spent so much time in isolation, I did not bounce my ideas off of other brains, and suddenly became this intellectual philosopher/poet, when in actuality, I was just in a dark place spinning my wheels.
> 
> Being a shut-in made my anxiety worse because eventually I had to change my life in order to be happy. I had to go outside because I eventually became too restless and unhappy. I was in for a rude awakening because people around me were definitely unforgiving, the ones I first encountered during my early years of re-entering the world. I was weird, awkward, had no style, no personality, I was fragile, scared, confused, clueless. The world seemed so hostile after leaving that safe bubble. People are downright nasty, verbally abusive. One example was a vendor at a movie rental. The way he looked at me...hard to explain. Like how someone would inspect a really ugly bug or something, I don't know. When I purchased my movies I remember him looking at me like that, like I wasn't a person. Then he said "you have yourself a nice little day" in a real condescending tone. So, my appearance and behavior were both way off the social scale.
> 
> I'm glad I had that time, in a way, because I can see how far i've come from that lonely place. I found a nice balance between shut-in and social. I'm definitely not a social person, but there are some aspects to socializing I cannot go without anymore when comparing those specific times in my life. If you are content and happy with your life as a shut-in, I believe you. You have no reason to come on here and lie and want to change. But if you had something else to compare it too, it would change your perspective I think. It takes going through discomfort though.


Thank you for sharing this. It is just an extremely laid back and comfortable lifestyle that I have that there is no reason for me to change, and no reason for me to want to change.

I imagine it would be extremely hard to change, which Is why I don't even want to try. One of my biggest fears is failing. I know failing is an everyday thing for normal people, you fail, you get back up and try again. But for some reason, I hate failing so much that I'd rather just die.


----------



## justpassinby

TCyan said:


> Thank you for sharing this. It is just an extremely laid back and comfortable lifestyle that I have that there is no reason for me to change, and no reason for me to want to change.
> 
> I imagine it would be extremely hard to change, which Is why I don't even want to try. One of my biggest fears is failing. I know failing is an everyday thing for normal people, you fail, you get back up and try again. But for some reason, I hate failing so much that I'd rather just die.


Failure is inevitable, in fact I do it so much now that i'm not even scared of it anymore:teeth


----------



## antonina

TCyan said:


> I imagine it would be extremely hard to change, which Is why I don't even want to try. One of my biggest fears is failing. I know failing is an everyday thing for normal people, you fail, you get back up and try again. But for some reason, I hate failing so much that I'd rather just die.


You have to look at failure in a different way and not by society's standards.

Anything you do that stretches beyond your comfort zone should be viewed as a success. You can't compare yourself to others because you are unique in your personality and abilities. In my class I have students who are reading at 1st grade level in 5th grade. One is going onto 6th grade with a second grade reading level. I told him to view this as success because he is better off than when he started and he will keep improving. Don't ever compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to yourself.

It is important not to focus on failure or society idea's of success. Any growth is a victory. It also would probably make your mom happy too. I think if she saw you trying she wouldn't care about failure. Any stretch beyond your limits is a victory.

I think the problem is you feel hopeless, but maybe that's because you're judging yourself by society's standards. You are not hopeless. Don't give into death without a fight.


----------



## dreamingfear

For a decent portion of my life I've been a loner and a hermit too. And just like you I have a low desire for human contact and was happy living like that! Me and you, TCyan, are introverts. And I've noticed that there are several types of people with social anxiety disorder on this forum. There are a lot of people on here who yearn for social interaction and they WANT to get better in hopes of being able to be more social. I've noticed that with my social anxiety disorder, instead of wanting to get rid of the disorder in order to become more social, my issue that is that I'm trying to get AWAY from humans. I want to get help for my disorder so that I can TOLERATE humans, not so that I can become super social with them. I find it refreshing when I can meet other introverted social anxiety people like me. 

Going back to when I was a loner and a hermit on and off in life, the recent times were most of 2010 and a lot of the first half of 2011. From January to July in 2010 I would only hang out with a friend once a month and I would often go one to two weeks straight without leaving the apartment. The only things I would go outside for was going to my weekly therapy sessions and going to walmart. I would avoid talking to my best friend on the phone some of the time because I didn't have the social energy for it, and my main social interaction was with internet friends. July through December of 2010 was still very much the same but I was slightly more social on certain weeks or months. January to May of this year was the same pattern with certain weeks being barely more social than others. I felt content with not being bothered by human presence but the suffering part of social anxiety is wanting to get a job and being too scared to apply or go to interviews or face people on the job. Luckily I have a small part time job working in stock now, at least it's better than being a cashier and dealing with customers even more. The past two years hasn't been the only time, for many other years of my life I would spend most of my time in solitude spending a lot of time online. A lot of the time, especially the past two years, I would be too paranoid to go outside because of humans. I enjoy being outside some of the time but I wish there weren't nearly seven billion humans sprawling around the Earth like ants on a goddamn banana! I understand how confusing or back-and-forth you probably feel about "should I change things or should I not? Can I really get past the social anxiety?" I wish you luck with whatever you decide. And just know someone understands your introversion.


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## Kon

dreamingfear said:


> I've noticed that with my social anxiety disorder, instead of wanting to get rid of the disorder in order to become more social, my issue that is that I'm trying to get AWAY from humans. I want to get help for my disorder so that I can TOLERATE humans, not so that I can become super social with them.
> 
> I enjoy being outside some of the time but I wish there weren't nearly seven billion humans sprawling around the Earth like ants on a goddamn banana! I understand how confusing or back-and-forth you probably feel about "should I change things or should I not? Can I really get past the social anxiety?" I wish you luck with whatever you decide. And just know someone understands your introversion.


I can relate to a lot of this. I think people make many of us guilty for feeling this way. I don't anymore. Either than my family and 1 friend, I really don't care to interact with other people. And even they can be too much sometimes. But other humans are a necessary evil because other humans can do/know stuff that I can't do or know (I really enjoy learning). Work and supporting myself is the big problem because I can't avoid people, even though they often irritate me immensely. Surprisingly, I like observing humans from a distance, as long as I don't have to participate. But I still prefer nature much more. I have further problems in that my sensory issues around human sounds (both soft and loud) irritate me immensely as I suffer from misophonia. I honestly don't have that much trouble making friends but I find that after a while I really don't want to be around with them. If I had tons of money, I'd be pretty much of a hermit with exceptions noted above.

In some ways I envy TCyan except for the fact he has few non-social interests it seems? His future also seems kind of a downer, because of the financial aspect. I've often dreamed of selling everything I have and moving to some isolated, scenic spot but finding such a place that's safe, cheap and has all the modern conveniences which I do enjoy is pretty hard to find. I think I wasn't designed to live/interact with so many people close together. I feel like I'm living in an over-populated rat cage.


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## TCyan

justpassinby said:


> I also had problems with paranoia and became a hypochondriac. I would look up illnesses, and inspect my body for any symptom that would indicate an illness and worry myself into a frenzy over it.


I forgot to mention, I also have been through this. I used to look up illnesses pertaining to what I was feeling like at the time and immediately freak out thinking something was seriously wrong with me. I even had panic attacks thinking I had something really bad, when all it ended being was a muscle cramp or something that I didn't need to worry about. Now I make sure that I never go to those medical websites ever again. That was really driving me to paranoia and insanity.



justpassinby said:


> Failure is inevitable, in fact I do it so much now that i'm not even scared of it anymore:teeth





antonina said:


> You have to look at failure in a different way and not by society's standards.
> 
> Anything you do that stretches beyond your comfort zone should be viewed as a success. You can't compare yourself to others because you are unique in your personality and abilities. In my class I have students who are reading at 1st grade level in 5th grade. One is going onto 6th grade with a second grade reading level. I told him to view this as success because he is better off than when he started and he will keep improving. Don't ever compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to yourself.
> 
> It is important not to focus on failure or society idea's of success. Any growth is a victory. It also would probably make your mom happy too. I think if she saw you trying she wouldn't care about failure. Any stretch beyond your limits is a victory.
> 
> I think the problem is you feel hopeless, but maybe that's because you're judging yourself by society's standards. You are not hopeless. Don't give into death without a fight.


I understand that I should only care about my own progress and not about society expects, but I can't get it out of my head that I'm just going to fail no matter what I do. I know failure is inevitable, but for me, it's worse than like, causing physical pain on myself. I don't do anything like cutting, but I have scratched myself and hit my head over and over with my hands whenever I was faced with something I thought was so awful, that I'd rather feel physical pain than feel the mental pain. I haven't done this in many years now though, but I could defiantly see myself going right back to that if I were pushed.

I don't see going to the bank and being around a few people and then coming back home without having a panic attack as a minor success like I should, I see it as absolutely nothing happened and I gained nothing from it and there's no point in moving forward. That's just the way my mind interprets my life.


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## Globe_Trekker

TCyan said:


> I tend to think about it a lot. How my life would be different if I had only taken that other road.


I'm sorry to hear you've been living as a shut in for this long. I don't really know what to say except that this sentence reminds me of a poem by Robert Frost called _The Road Not Taken:

_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I can tell you that I have also been living as a semi-shut in for the past 7 years (except for the occasional trips to university). I tend to regret my past choices a lot, but I don't think it's very useful to do so. It's better to focus on the present and future. You're not alone in this.


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## CosmicNeurotica

TCyan.
You don't know what you're missing. 
You're missing experiences of life that are like heaven. You will never know what heaven on earth feels like. You take the bad with the good. The bad only makes you stronger so that when the good comes around again, it's just that much more blissful.

I know what I say are only words. That's all they can be. But life has too many joys to just sit and do nothing. You have no idea what you're missing... no idea at all... 
So many natural chemicals in your body. Drugs. That will never be released because you don't stimulate your senses to another level. 

That's what's waiting for you friend on the other side. Not fear. Only the realities of life. Releasing chemicals of ecstasy and sadness, where sadness and crying is a good feeling and helps you see.
You need life. You need experiences. Your mind can't grow without it. Explore as much space and feel as many emotions as you possibly can. Be human. Be beyond human.
You will know more and be more than anyone else possibly can.


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## FabledHero

TCyan, seems like you have too big of a fear of failure. You have low self-esteem, judge yourself a lot, overly critical etc etc. I would recommend working on changing your thought process, to more positive things, and challenging yourself. Use failure to improve at things. Everyone fails. I often think the people who are best at things, are the ones who fail the most, as they keep getting better and better, learning from each mistake. I really believe everyone has the potential to become great at things, what seperates people who acheive from people who don't, is their mindset. Change your mindset and succeed. It's not easy, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it imo.


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## weil

How on earth have you managed to get along with your parents for this long? I'm only 20, but I'm already starting to be annoyed at everything my mom does


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## kesker

I notice you are continuing to engage just about anyone who responds to your thread. You've taken the time to join SAS and are diligently monitoring, at least, this portion of the forum. Is this a cry for help? Is there actually a longing to be out in the world? Are you too quick to dismiss yourself? Are you really a shut in? 

Don't mean for this to be a cross examination, just curious. Take care.


----------



## phoenixwright

I lived as a _Hikikomori_ for the most part for 14 months when I was 18-19. Then I started seriously applying for jobs, got work, then went to University. I was a Hikikomori 4 and a half years before I heard of the term when I saw the Welcome to the N.H.K anime series. I subsequently downloaded and read the manga and then I bought and read the novel the anime and manga was based on.

I really liked Welcome to the N.H.K. The experiences of Sato Tatsuhiro resonate strongly with me. I was never into drugs like him. But internet and video game addiction has a similar neurological chemistry to psychological drug dependence.

Not only do I regret ever being a Hiki, but I regret allowing social anxiety and anxiety in general to cause the harm that it did in my life. And I hate that my family just stood by allowing me to do it. My older brother (who is supposed to be like my father figure. Since my own father has no real interest in my life) has said, "see I told you that isolating yourself from peers, putting off getting a car, etc. would come back to haunt you." But then I'm like thinking, "if you really cared, you would have taken more initiative and intervened." A good parent is one that is authoritative (not authoritarian. There's a difference. Authoritative parenting is firm and involving but also loving and understanding.) If I become a father one day, I'll know what to do based on the mistakes the two "father figures" in my life made, based on what I learned from my mistakes and life experiences and based on what I have learned from taking a developmental psychology course as one of my psych options in University.

The video games, the TV, the internet, etc. That's basically all an escape. Dealing with the outside world does suck in many ways. But there are rewarding experiences out there. My last job wasn't something I was passionate about by any means. But I liked my co-workers and the appreciation and recognition I got. There was a point where I thought I would never be able to enjoy work. And while the volunteer work I do sucks a lot of the time (especially when it doesn't pay. lol), it can be really rewarding when you do good in someone else's life in your community.


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## TCyan

PlanetarySauce said:


> TCyan.
> You don't know what you're missing.
> You're missing experiences of life that are like heaven. You will never know what heaven on earth feels like. You take the bad with the good. The bad only makes you stronger so that when the good comes around again, it's just that much more blissful.
> 
> I know what I say are only words. That's all they can be. But life has too many joys to just sit and do nothing. You have no idea what you're missing... no idea at all...
> So many natural chemicals in your body. Drugs. That will never be released because you don't stimulate your senses to another level.
> 
> That's what's waiting for you friend on the other side. Not fear. Only the realities of life. Releasing chemicals of ecstasy and sadness, where sadness and crying is a good feeling and helps you see.
> You need life. You need experiences. Your mind can't grow without it. Explore as much space and feel as many emotions as you possibly can. Be human. Be beyond human.
> You will know more and be more than anyone else possibly can.


I don't know what to say. I read all that and still just think It's not what I want.



FabledHero said:


> TCyan, seems like you have too big of a fear of failure. You have low self-esteem, judge yourself a lot, overly critical etc etc. I would recommend working on changing your thought process, to more positive things, and challenging yourself. Use failure to improve at things. Everyone fails. I often think the people who are best at things, are the ones who fail the most, as they keep getting better and better, learning from each mistake. I really believe everyone has the potential to become great at things, what seperates people who acheive from people who don't, is their mindset. Change your mindset and succeed. It's not easy, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it imo.


I get the idea, it's just I don't like failing in front of other people. I can fail doing something in the privacy of my own space and brush it off, try again. But failing around people, I'd rather chop an arm off. I don't know how to change that feeling. But the biggest thing is I just cannot go out and be around people without having panic attacks.



weil said:


> How on earth have you managed to get along with your parents for this long? I'm only 20, but I'm already starting to be annoyed at everything my mom does


Close family. I have cousins in their mid to late 30's still living with their parents too, although they still have social lives and jobs and what not. It's not that they are afraid to move out, it's just easier and cheaper to stay home. But I do have a lot of cousins that are married and have kids and have their own places. Then I have some cousins that are younger than me that are engaged to be married.

I don't know. My parents are just great. They give me all the space I need, and they still ask me to help clean up around the house or cut the grass. None of what they tell me to do bothers me at all. I don't throw fits like a little kid that would rather play games than go work on the house. I gladly set aside my games/tv to do other projects. But again it's not like I'm desperate to do other things, If they never asked me for help, then I'd just stay in my room forever easily.



kesker said:


> I notice you are continuing to engage just about anyone who responds to your thread. You've taken the time to join SAS and are diligently monitoring, at least, this portion of the forum. Is this a cry for help? Is there actually a longing to be out in the world? Are you too quick to dismiss yourself? Are you really a shut in?
> 
> Don't mean for this to be a cross examination, just curious. Take care.


_"Is this a cry for help?"_ - I don't know. I do like to see what others think about me, but I'm not looking for help. I like living the way I am now.

_"Is there actually a longing to be out in the world?"_ - Not really. Just fine in my room.

_"Are you too quick to dismiss yourself?"_ - Probably, but I don't care enough to change.

_"Are you really a shut in?"_ - Very much. I can count how many times I've gone out in public on one hand.

I went to the E.R. once (panic attack related).

I went to the eye doctor twice because I was having burred vision. First visit, had a major panic attack while in the waiting room and then in the examination room. I got claustrophobia from that small dark examination room. After I got out of the examination room, I was put back in the waiting room and had my panic attack. It was probably the worst one I've ever had. I also got extremely dehydrated. Second visit, they allowed me to go straight to the examination room so could skip the waiting room. But there were far less people there so I did better.

I went to the bank most recently (didn't have a panic attack, but there was only like 3 people there.)

A few years ago, I went to another bank to reclaim my money because the state took it from me not using my accounts actively enough. I guess they thought I was dead or something. I didn't have any problems then either because there was hardly anyone at the bank. But I did have a hard time talking on the phone to the state office or whatever.

That's about it. I haven't gone outside for anything else.



phoenixwright said:


> I lived as a _Hikikomori_ for the most part for 14 months when I was 18-19. Then I started seriously applying for jobs, got work, then went to University. I was a Hikikomori 4 and a half years before I heard of the term when I saw the Welcome to the N.H.K anime series. I subsequently downloaded and read the manga and then I bought and read the novel the anime and manga was based on.
> 
> I really liked Welcome to the N.H.K. The experiences of Sato Tatsuhiro resonate strongly with me. I was never into drugs like him. But internet and video game addiction has a similar neurological chemistry to psychological drug dependence.
> 
> Not only do I regret ever being a Hiki, but I regret allowing social anxiety and anxiety in general to cause the harm that it did in my life. And I hate that my family just stood by allowing me to do it. My older brother (who is supposed to be like my father figure. Since my own father has no real interest in my life) has said, "see I told you that isolating yourself from peers, putting off getting a car, etc. would come back to haunt you." But then I'm like thinking, "if you really cared, you would have taken more initiative and intervened." A good parent is one that is authoritative (not authoritarian. There's a difference. Authoritative parenting is firm and involving but also loving and understanding.) If I become a father one day, I'll know what to do based on the mistakes the two "father figures" in my life made, based on what I learned from my mistakes and life experiences and based on what I have learned from taking a developmental psychology course as one of my psych options in University.
> 
> The video games, the TV, the internet, etc. That's basically all an escape. Dealing with the outside world does suck in many ways. But there are rewarding experiences out there. My last job wasn't something I was passionate about by any means. But I liked my co-workers and the appreciation and recognition I got. There was a point where I thought I would never be able to enjoy work. And while the volunteer work I do sucks a lot of the time (especially when it doesn't pay. lol), it can be really rewarding when you do good in someone else's life in your community.


Yeah I've seen Welcome to the NHK. Those scenes when he was outside and then he felt like everyone was staring at him looking down on him, that's exactly what I feel when I'm in public. I get the feeling I'm not suppose to be there. It's very nerve racking.

I've thought a lot about doing voluntary work. But it's the people I can't stand to be around. And If I was going to do work, I might have well just be working a real job and making money.


----------



## phoenixwright

TCyan said:


> Yeah I've seen Welcome to the NHK. Those scenes when he was outside and then he felt like everyone was staring at him looking down on him, that's exactly what I feel when I'm in public. I get the feeling I'm not suppose to be there. It's very nerve racking.


I can relate to that feeling. I can be very uncomfortable in public. I give off a "stay away" vibe in public. Which is unfortunate because connecting with another human being is one of life's greatest pleasures.



> I've thought a lot about doing voluntary work. But it's the people I can't stand to be around. And If I was going to do work, I might have well just be working a real job and making money.


For volunteer work, I found a particular niche that worked with me and stuck with it. I often hate or dread the work though. But I also love it often too. If you are out of the workforce, it wouldn't be a bad idea to volunteer to keep busy a bit. Even when I was working a full-time paid job I kept with the volunteering. Because who knows, maybe it can lead to a paid opportunity in the future. Probably not. But you never know.


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## Eugenie

I think you do want to change more than you admit to it. I think you are scared you can't and are thus afraid to want it in case you become bitterly disappointed if it turns out change isn't possible. 

The thing is, change is possible for anyone who is willing to be patient and take small steps. Every day you could do one tiny thing and over time those things will add up and in five years you could find yourself with a very different life that fulfills you and makes you feel proud. You have nothing to lose. 

I think you need to find something in life that excites you and that you care about- is it anime? Or gaming? You could write reviews of anime for websites, or a street press. You could set the whole thing up online so that you don't have to go outside at first. Or you could order some books about learning to draw manga and start producing your own and post them online. I think if you had a project, and did something successfully and got positive feedback about it from other people you could start to build enough confidence to make bigger changes in your life down the track. You write very well, and are obviously intelligent. 

If you are interested in some other subject, what about studying for a degree or course via distance/online education? You might enjoy writing papers and achieving good results in your courses might give you a boost. Plus it would make it easier to get a job down the track if you want one.


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## AkwardNisa

Um. I first read this as living as a **** since 1999.


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## Kon

AkwardNisa said:


> Um. I first read this as living as a **** since 1999.


That thread would get even more hits


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## InfiniteBlaze

dreamingfear said:


> For a decent portion of my life I've been a loner and a hermit too. And just like you I have a low desire for human contact and was happy living like that! Me and you, TCyan, are introverts. And I've noticed that there are several types of people with social anxiety disorder on this forum. There are a lot of people on here who yearn for social interaction and they WANT to get better in hopes of being able to be more social. I've noticed that with my social anxiety disorder, instead of wanting to get rid of the disorder in order to become more social, my issue that is that I'm trying to get AWAY from humans. I want to get help for my disorder so that I can TOLERATE humans, not so that I can become super social with them. I find it refreshing when I can meet other introverted social anxiety people like me.


Finally someone on this site that is just like me


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## TCyan

Eugenie said:


> I think you do want to change more than you admit to it. I think you are scared you can't and are thus afraid to want it in case you become bitterly disappointed if it turns out change isn't possible.
> 
> The thing is, change is possible for anyone who is willing to be patient and take small steps. Every day you could do one tiny thing and over time those things will add up and in five years you could find yourself with a very different life that fulfills you and makes you feel proud. You have nothing to lose.
> 
> I think you need to find something in life that excites you and that you care about- is it anime? Or gaming? You could write reviews of anime for websites, or a street press. You could set the whole thing up online so that you don't have to go outside at first. Or you could order some books about learning to draw manga and start producing your own and post them online. I think if you had a project, and did something successfully and got positive feedback about it from other people you could start to build enough confidence to make bigger changes in your life down the track. You write very well, and are obviously intelligent.
> 
> If you are interested in some other subject, what about studying for a degree or course via distance/online education? You might enjoy writing papers and achieving good results in your courses might give you a boost. Plus it would make it easier to get a job down the track if you want one.


I like gaming and I like anime, but I'm not willing to write reviews or learn how to draw it. I don't have a passion for anything really. I've never once in my life known what I wanted to do for a living. Even to this day, I don't know what I'd like to do for a living.

A lot of people have suggested me reading/writing books. I've never read a book in my life. I've read some in school, but I found it extremely boring and my mind wanders too much for me to focus. Might be ADD or ADHD. I've noticed when I'm just trying to go to sleep at night, sometimes my mind will be going full speed thinking about anything and everything. Sometimes takes me several hours to finally go to sleep.

I'm sure it's because my brain is bored of my mundane life. Still isn't enough for me to want to do anything about it though. I've had problems sleeping over the years, but as of right now, I sleep pretty good.

But yeah, I just don't really have any interests in anything in particular. I don't like to read books. I don't like to write. I don't like to paint. I don't like work.

I was pretty good at playing a musical instrument (trombone) back in jr high and high school. I was in the marching band in high school. It's hard to believe I did such a thing. Playing in a orchestra doesn't sound like something I'd want to pursue though. Far too many people are involved and being on a stage, no thanks. Plus I haven't played in 13 years (left the band my senior year) and I sold my trombone.

Really, if I can just get a job that I can do online only, never having to talk on any phones or web cams, then I'd be set, as long as It paid enough.


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## spaceygirl

I think it really doesn't matter if you're a shut-in or seem to have a "normal" day to day life of a 30-year old(ish): relationship, go to work, get groceries, etc. You can still feel like crap about your life, have no friends, fear every social interaction and just feel empty inside. The external situation is pretty irrelevant to happiness if you're unfulfilled. 

I don't mean to downplay people's suggestions of going out more, getting a job etc. I'm just saying that won't magically change things, if you aren't happy to begin with (I should know). You do seem to want interaction with people (hence the posting here) so I hope you can find some small happiness in these connections on here, they are not insignificant, we are all people trying to find our way...


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## antonina

> I don't see going to the bank and being around a few people and then coming back home without having a panic attack as a minor success like I should, I see it as absolutely nothing happened and I gained nothing from it and there's no point in moving forward. That's just the way my mind interprets my life.


I read about a woman who had agoraphobia for like 20 years. They had her start just going outside her door. If you made it all the way inside a bank without a panic attack I would take that as a *major victory* not a minor one.

Also the apathy you speak of is exactly what depression is. I'm sorry the medications you took in the past didn't work for you, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some different ones that would help. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right medicines. As the others have said I think you are a good writer and you do have some talents you're just too depressed to recognize any of your good qualities, or have any motivation.

Also I used to have terrible panic attacks and Paxil really stopped those for me. When Paxil stopped working I have started taking Celexa. I know before I started taking those medications things were getting really bad for me. It won't give you a miracle cure but at least it takes the attacks away.

I don't like failing in front of other people either. The medication has helped make it not so intense. I also realize that I just need to not care so much.

I really feel for you, I've been there with the intense feeling of failure. I hope you can find some help.


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## TCyan

antonina said:


> I read about a woman who had agoraphobia for like 20 years. They had her start just going outside her door. If you made it all the way inside a bank without a panic attack I would take that as a *major victory* not a minor one.
> 
> Also the apathy you speak of is exactly what depression is. I'm sorry the medications you took in the past didn't work for you, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some different ones that would help. Sometimes it takes a long time to find the right medicines. As the others have said I think you are a good writer and you do have some talents you're just too depressed to recognize any of your good qualities, or have any motivation.
> 
> Also I used to have terrible panic attacks and Paxil really stopped those for me. When Paxil stopped working I have started taking Celexa. I know before I started taking those medications things were getting really bad for me. It won't give you a miracle cure but at least it takes the attacks away.
> 
> I don't like failing in front of other people either. The medication has helped make it not so intense. I also realize that I just need to not care so much.
> 
> I really feel for you, I've been there with the intense feeling of failure. I hope you can find some help.


Paxil is one of the medications I was on. I had really bad side effects, like worse depression, daily nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, on and on, it was horrible. I was on it for about 2 or 3 months, then another month of weaning off of it. I was basically in bed the entire time I was on it.

I don't remember the other drug I tried, but it was basically the same thing.

The reason I don't like taking medications now is I have a hard time swallowing pills. I have some kind of swallowing fear or something. I even have a hard time eating. Another reason I don't like medications is the risk of side effects and the idea of my personality changing. I'm very paranoid about taking any kind of drugs now. So, I won't try any more medication.

And the agoraphobia thing, It's not really like that. I can go outside just fine. It's being in public that sends me into panic mode. Basically If there was an entire city where nobody existed but me, I'd be fine walking around in it no problem. So I'm not really unable to leave the house in that sense. I just choose not to leave because, there are people out there. That's why I like the terms "Hikikomori" and "NEET", for people that just stay shut and don't bother going outside, because they are being supported by family or some other means that they see no reason to go outside.


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## antonina

You may not have agoraphobia but you managed to be around strangers in a bank that's still a *major victory* if you are only around your family all the time.

I also had a phobia of swallowing pills. I used to crush my Paxil and swallow it with apple sauce. It still worked. After so many years of doing that I eventually just got over the pill swallowing phobia.

Since you live with your family if you took medication, they could easily warn you of any personality changes. You could start on a very low dose.

There are also herbs now like St. John Wort. You might find that herbs or supplements could help and have less side effects.

Celexa has less side effects than Paxil. Paxil made me slightly nauseous for a whole month. I was so desperate I was willing to do anything. After a month it went away.

Anyway, view your time at the bank as a victory. Give yourself a break.


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## TCyan

antonina said:


> You may not have agoraphobia but you managed to be around strangers in a bank that's still a *major victory* if you are only around your family all the time.
> 
> I also had a phobia of swallowing pills. I used to crush my Paxil and swallow it with apple sauce. It still worked. After so many years of doing that I eventually just got over the pill swallowing phobia.
> 
> Since you live with your family if you took medication, they could easily warn you of any personality changes. You could start on a very low dose.
> 
> There are also herbs now like St. John Wort. You might find that herbs or supplements could help and have less side effects.
> 
> Celexa has less side effects than Paxil. Paxil made me slightly nauseous for a whole month. I was so desperate I was willing to do anything. After a month it went away.
> 
> Anyway, view your time at the bank as a victory. Give yourself a break.


Well I wasn't alone or anything. I still had my mother with me. I don't drive, so she had to drive me. I don't have a car anymore either so it would be hard for me to start going out in public by myself without asking for rides all the time. I don't want to do that.


----------



## antonina

> Well I wasn't alone or anything. I still had my mother with me. I don't drive, so she had to drive me. I don't have a car anymore either so it would be hard for me to start going out in public by myself without asking for rides all the time. I don't want to do that.


It doesn't matter if you were with your mom, you still were out in the open with strangers that's a big deal.

As far as getting about what about getting a bicycle? I had a friend that found one for free on Craigslist.

Also when I have to take a train or go someplace nerve wracking I plug into my music then I know most people won't bother me. You could also wear sunglasses if that helped you.


----------



## TCyan

antonina said:


> It doesn't matter if you were with your mom, you still were out in the open with strangers that's a big deal.
> 
> As far as getting about what about getting a bicycle? I had a friend that found one for free on Craigslist.
> 
> Also when I have to take a train or go someplace nerve wracking I plug into my music then I know most people won't bother me. You could also wear sunglasses if that helped you.


Don't know how to ride a bike. It's 100°F+ with high humidity every day during the summer here, and no trains in our city. Walking is pretty much impossible.


----------



## paulyD

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


you say that you dont want to change and that you are happy the way you are

but i dont beleive you. theres something that doesnt seem quite right i dont know what it is. why would you write a big post like that if you dont want to change ? whats the point in writing all of that if you are not looking for help?

i think deep down you are unhappy and deep down you DO want to change. however i think you are in denial about this. you wont admit that your unhappy and that you want to change

and i beleive the reason for this is that you are scared to change. you are in your nice comfortable cacoon at the moment and you dont want to leave it. you are scared to step out of your comfort zone and thats why you are pretending that you are happy so you dont have to admit it


----------



## TCyan

paulyD said:


> you say that you dont want to change and that you are happy the way you are
> 
> but i dont beleive you. theres something that doesnt seem quite right i dont know what it is. why would you write a big post like that if you dont want to change ? whats the point in writing all of that if you are not looking for help?
> 
> i think deep down you are unhappy and deep down you DO want to change. however i think you are in denial about this. you wont admit that your unhappy and that you want to change
> 
> and i beleive the reason for this is that you are scared to change. you are in your nice comfortable cacoon at the moment and you dont want to leave it. you are scared to step out of your comfort zone and thats why you are pretending that you are happy so you dont have to admit it


And as I've said before, even if I did want to have a normal life, I'm not going to make those first steps to change. I'm still completely fine living the way I have been for the last 12 years. I'm in no hurry to change, and I don't want to.


----------



## Joe

No offence or anything but Im afraid ill be like that when im your age I really dont see any way ill snap out of it, I barely speak (and when I do ive got a really wierd voice and i just get nervous and try and shut up, not just mentoined to me in high school but pre-sa years people said my voice was wierd) I get nervous if i go anywhere outside and i just feel hopeless


----------



## Joe

AkwardNisa said:


> Um. I first read this as living as a **** since 1999.


 A **** with social anxiety would be awkward and thats the first time ive laughed in ages lol


----------



## Alduriam

I also think that deep down you want to change, else you haven't have took the time to post about your life. The fact you admit you are unhappy shows that you are longing for more. And it's natural: every human wants happyness!

You want to help yourself but you are afraid to try and fail.

But can it really be worst than it is now?


----------



## TCyan

Alduriam said:


> I also think that deep down you want to change, else you haven't have took the time to post about your life. The fact you admit you are unhappy shows that you are longing for more. And it's natural: every human wants happyness!
> 
> You want to help yourself but you are afraid to try and fail.
> 
> But can it really be worst than it is now?


Of course it can be worse. I don't want to live alone in a crappy house/apartment working a crappy minimum wage job that I hate and having even less of a social life that I do now with my family. There's just no other way it will be any different. I'm not going to find a high paying job and buy a nice house and suddenly have a big social life with a wife and kids and all that. It's not going to happen. I don't see any point in trying. This is the way I've always felt over my entire life.

If I ended up with a crappy job and crappy place to live, I might have well just be dead.


----------



## Megasili

You said you don't like doing anything. Painting, reading, working, writing, etc.
Are you sure you don't like writing?


----------



## TCyan

Megasili said:


> You said you don't like doing anything. Painting, reading, working, writing, etc.
> Are you sure you don't like writing?


Well, when I think of writing, I think of writing fictional stories or something. I'm not good at that. If you mean writing as in writing about myself, then apparently I'm okay at that? But I really don't think I could make a living writing about myself. Even if I sat down and just dedicated a month of writing down everything possible thing about myself, it wouldn't be more than a few pages at most. I don't think I could write a book on myself or anything like that.

If you mean writing as just a hobby, then I'd say no I'm not really all that interested in it. I spend my time doing other things like watching tv and playing pc games. That's just the stuff that keeps me entertained. I've never collected baseball cards or anything as a kid. I don't think I've ever had any hobbies. I liked music when I was in school, but I dropped that like a ton of bricks when I reached my senior year. It just wasn't something I wanted to pursue. I was in Karate for a little while. Hated it because they made us fight each other. I would have stayed if it was just everything else, but fighting the other students, no thanks, so I quit. Shame too, I was really really good at it. I was also pretty good in high school band.

Writing as in, just keeping a journal on my life? I've thought about it, but It just seems more than a hassle than anything. I'd rather not. I think just typing out this topic and all these replies is good enough, I don't need to make key notes about everything that happens on a daily basis, especially since hardly anything ever happens.


----------



## Megasili

you said:

_That's kind of what I need, but not until I figure out my panic attacks and SA, which sadly I can't, and I don't really want to. I feel like these things are just apart of who I am. It would be like chopping off one of my arms to suddenly lose my panic attacks and SA.

_On the surface and deep down, I completely believe you don't want to change. It's funny that this thread has gone on so long. It shouldn't have gone any further than your first post. But most people can't grasp that you really don't want to change, and that you're not looking for advice or suggestions. I didn't get it at first either.
I think this is just your way of socializing and passing the time. I bet in the past when you've posted on other forums, you got a lot of strong reactions, angry ones too. I think you kind of like shocking people, even enjoy it 1%.. admit it! You might think you don't need or want any kind of human interaction, but all of this counts as interaction, don't you think?


----------



## Megasili

TCyan said:


> Writing as in, just keeping a journal on my life? I've thought about it, but It just seems more than a hassle than anything. I'd rather not. I think just typing out this topic and all these replies is good enough,


"just typing out this topic and all these replies is good enough."
Yes that's what I meant. You do at least enjoy this. I'm not sure what my original point was. Maybe that if there's one thing, there are bound to be more. Or the fact that you actually seem human now, admitting you like something, and less of a perplexing curiosity than you seemed in the beginning: "i'm a shut in and i love it" type of thing.


----------



## Roscoe

are you afraid of even a little challenge, like maybe stepping out of your safety bubble every now and then?


----------



## TCyan

Roscoe said:


> are you afraid of even a little challenge, like maybe stepping out of your safety bubble every now and then?


I'd be totally fine with a stay at home internet job and being stuck in my parents house for the rest of my life.

That's the problem though, finding a job that I can do for 30+ years that pays enough to live on by myself that never requires me to talk on a phone or a web cam. As long as I can get food delivered to me, I don't need anything else. If my computer breaks down, I could just buy a new one online, have it delivered.

There's nothing for me outside this house.


----------



## Megasili

Yes, he is. terrified. and if he didn't have that terror, he'd be unrecognizable to himself.. like if you lost your leg or arm or face. and that would be even scarier!


----------



## jingeliot

According to you "Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope"
I see your point. You aren't scare, the real problem you have is you are too lazy. You are spoil your body and mind too much and just let they do anything they want. Have you even "talk, feel" them?
You don't wanna change because you see there is no point to change your life. You just listen and do anything executive your mind and body talk to you but in reality, have ever you listen to what they really want ? Be a good father to them, good to them, love them but not spoil them. Really recommend you do some self mediation (http://files.myopera.com/tanhhien/blog/minhhoa.gif) around 1h-2h/day to understand your deep mind and (http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=185&u=14156706) around 1h/day to understand deeply about your body. That is the at least time you must do everyday and do it non-stop for 4-6 month. You will understand what I mean by saying you are spoil , no, more exactly, you are poison your body and mind which lead you become like this.

Until you finish exercise above, you will see your goal in deeply mind and want to get out.

Just get out the home by this way. Uhm, don't pay internet, TV, electric money, beak your cell phone (or your sim card if you are poor ), until the time you are too hungry, you will get out of home to get some food. Well, I'm try this before and can not patient more than 3 days with only water. I feel exhaust and somehow manager to go outside get food (100m and I think I go to the end of the world), I pay no attention to them because my stomach is grumble and I want to get the food by all mean. I wanna live. Well, I know that you may don't afraid of death, but what about torture until die. The nearly hungry to death will make your live instinctive active, try it. Well, not after you do those exercise above


----------



## mastershake

Jemma said:


> "All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today."
> *-* Pope Paul VI
> ​


I love this quote. Thanks for sharing.:yes


----------



## TiredandWeary

Were all different aren't we, thats the conundrum isn't it with these forums. Were all different people and we all have differing outlooks on our past and also our future's. Thats why it's hard trying to tell people what to do because ultimatley we just dont know each other well enough to make those snap judgements/decisions.

I must admit, I was a bit like you, in the sense that I was a bit a shut-in, now not as serious, a bit more like a semi-recluse (I still did things like volunteering). After finishing school and not accepting life's changes I found solace surfing the internet and just staying in and doing nothing. For 7/8 years, that was my life, not doing a great deal.

Take a look at my thread/story. I'm sure you'll see some similarities:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/the-past-present-and-future-my-story-129485/

I think one of the problems I had was my regrets about the past and I feel you have some too especially with the girl you worked with at the grocery store. It's hard constantly thinking about what could have been but when it's all said and done, you cant change the past, you can only change the future.

I was also like you in the sense that also tried to make myself believe that I liked my secluded life and to a degree I did start to believe it, instead of living on the outside I lived on the internet and as we all know, the internet is so big and has a world of information to keep one occupied for long periods of time, but at the same time I also kept having those thoughts of my old friends and the girl that I liked living great exciting lives without me while I sitting infront of my computer every day/night doing literally nothing, and it would just make me very depressed.

Well people change, situations change and all of a sudden I've now got a job. My first 'proper' job since leaving school in 2003. It's scary and really hard, especially getting up at around 6:00am every morning but I've come to the conculsion that, Whats the worst that can happen? They fire me? big deal, and then, Whats the best that can come of all this? I actually start to enjoy it and start to really enjoy the money I get paid every month (Believe me, I already have). It's a no-brainer.

I dont know why I've bothered making this post because like I say at the very start, were all different and I'm not trying to change your mind as you admit yourself, you enjoy your life. I dont know, I just think that I just wanted to put my point/life story across as someone was a shut-in, was a recluse but wanted more, wanted a life and now has got the chance at living one. I've now got my feet firmly on the first steps on the ladder to finally getting some sort of happiness in my life.

T&W


----------



## kunak

mastershake said:


> I love this quote. Thanks for sharing.:yes


Heaven must be hard work then.


----------



## _AJ_

you could try making a forum like this one and live off the advertising revenue and order pizza everyday online


----------



## TCyan

TiredandWeary said:


> Were all different aren't we, thats the conundrum isn't it with these forums. Were all different people and we all have differing outlooks on our past and also our future's. Thats why it's hard trying to tell people what to do because ultimatley we just dont know each other well enough to make those snap judgements/decisions.
> 
> I must admit, I was a bit like you, in the sense that I was a bit a shut-in, now not as serious, a bit more like a semi-recluse (I still did things like volunteering). After finishing school and not accepting life's changes I found solace surfing the internet and just staying in and doing nothing. For 7/8 years, that was my life, not doing a great deal.
> 
> Take a look at my thread/story. I'm sure you'll see some similarities:
> http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/the-past-present-and-future-my-story-129485/
> 
> I think one of the problems I had was my regrets about the past and I feel you have some too especially with the girl you worked with at the grocery store. It's hard constantly thinking about what could have been but when it's all said and done, you cant change the past, you can only change the future.
> 
> I was also like you in the sense that also tried to make myself believe that I liked my secluded life and to a degree I did start to believe it, instead of living on the outside I lived on the internet and as we all know, the internet is so big and has a world of information to keep one occupied for long periods of time, but at the same time I also kept having those thoughts of my old friends and the girl that I liked living great exciting lives without me while I sitting infront of my computer every day/night doing literally nothing, and it would just make me very depressed.
> 
> Well people change, situations change and all of a sudden I've now got a job. My first 'proper' job since leaving school in 2003. It's scary and really hard, especially getting up at around 6:00am every morning but I've come to the conculsion that, Whats the worst that can happen? They fire me? big deal, and then, Whats the best that can come of all this? I actually start to enjoy it and start to really enjoy the money I get paid every month (Believe me, I already have). It's a no-brainer.
> 
> I dont know why I've bothered making this post because like I say at the very start, were all different and I'm not trying to change your mind as you admit yourself, you enjoy your life. I dont know, I just think that I just wanted to put my point/life story across as someone was a shut-in, was a recluse but wanted more, wanted a life and now has got the chance at living one. I've now got my feet firmly on the first steps on the ladder to finally getting some sort of happiness in my life.
> 
> T&W


But I like living this way. If money wasn't a problem, I'd stay a shut in for the rest of my entire life. I just have no reason to go outside. I'm not tricking my mind into thinking this is how I want to live, this _*is*_ how I want to live.



_AJ_ said:


> you could try making a forum like this one and live off the advertising revenue and order pizza everyday online


Sounds like a great idea, except I have no knowledge on how to get started, and I'd probably need money to start the forum to begin with. I'd rather not spend what little money I have left on a gamble.


----------



## luffy

jingeliot said:


> According to you "Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope"
> I see your point. You aren't scare, the real problem you have is you are too lazy. You are spoil your body and mind too much and just let they do anything they want. Have you even "talk, feel" them?
> You don't wanna change because you see there is no point to change your life. You just listen and do anything executive your mind and body talk to you but in reality, have ever you listen to what they really want ? Be a good father to them, good to them, love them but not spoil them. Really recommend you do some self mediation (http://files.myopera.com/tanhhien/blog/minhhoa.gif) around 1h-2h/day to understand your deep mind and (http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=185&u=14156706) around 1h/day to understand deeply about your body. That is the at least time you must do everyday and do it non-stop for 4-6 month. You will understand what I mean by saying you are spoil , no, more exactly, you are poison your body and mind which lead you become like this.
> 
> Until you finish exercise above, you will see your goal in deeply mind and want to get out.
> 
> Just get out the home by this way. Uhm, don't pay internet, TV, electric money, beak your cell phone (or your sim card if you are poor ), until the time you are too hungry, you will get out of home to get some food. Well, I'm try this before and can not patient more than 3 days with only water. I feel exhaust and somehow manager to go outside get food (100m and I think I go to the end of the world), I pay no attention to them because my stomach is grumble and I want to get the food by all mean. I wanna live. Well, I know that you may don't afraid of death, but what about torture until die. The nearly hungry to death will make your live instinctive active, try it. Well, not after you do those exercise above


this guy is absolutely right.

you say you are not truly happy and the only way you can truly be happy is if you become the person you want to be. the only way to do that is to take the hard path.


----------



## TCyan

luffy said:


> this guy is absolutely right.
> 
> you say you are not truly happy and the only way you can truly be happy is if you become the person you want to be. the only way to do that is to take the hard path.


When I said I'm not truly happy in the first post, I meant that I understand this is not the correct way to live according to society. I realize that.

But I am really happy living as a shut in because I don't have to cross any hard paths. I've not had any anxiety or anything since the last time I went outside in public. I only stress out going outside, so why should I even bother going outside? I'm fine right where I am.

I'm being completely honest when I say I want to be a hermit for the rest of my life. All I need is the money and I'm set. I'd disappear from these forums and never talk about it ever again. There's no hidden cry for help or anything here. I just need to figure out how to get some money without going out in public.

Else I'm just going to end my life when the time comes, cause I don't care.


----------



## TiredandWeary

TCyan said:


> But I like living this way. If money wasn't a problem, I'd stay a shut in for the rest of my entire life. I just have no reason to go outside. I'm not tricking my mind into thinking this is how I want to live, this _*is*_ how I want to live.
> 
> .


See, I like others dont really understand why you bother coming on here to be honest. If your not going to take on board any of the advice, and to be fair, In this 14/15 page thread there has been some bloody good advice, why dont you just lock the thread and be done with it.

You say your happy, well done, but to be honest you came on a SA forum and poured your heart out, vented, you called it. You wouldn't have had to vent if your were truely happy, hell you wouldn't be on this forum if were truely happy.

I suggest you take some of the suggestions people have made and at least do something, stop replying to every person with that childish 'I like my life the way it is'. It's almost like you enjoy it, like a true wind up merchant.

T&W


----------



## TCyan

tiredandweary said:


> see, i like others dont really understand why you bother coming on here to be honest. If your not going to take on board any of the advice, and to be fair, in this 14/15 page thread there has been some bloody good advice, why dont you just lock the thread and be done with it.
> 
> you say your happy, well done, but to be honest you came on a sa forum and poured your heart out, vented, you called it. You wouldn't have to vent if your were truely happy, hell you would be on this forum if were truely happy.
> 
> i suggest you take some of the suggestions people have made and at least do something, stop replying to every person with that childish 'i like my life the way it is'. It's almost like you enjoy it, like a true wind up merchant.
> 
> t&w


That's just not the way I see it. I admit I'm a pretty screwed up individual. I did post this topic because I was feeling like I needed to shout to the world what was going on in my mind. I admit If I were really happy, I would have never came here to begin with.

I honestly just wanted to see what others thought about me, that's all. I wasn't looking for help or anything. I do see how it was interpret that way, but honestly I don't know whats going on in my mind. All I know was, I was pretty depressed before I made this topic, and then I felt better after spilling my guts. I just enjoy seeing what others think about me, good or bad.

I guess this topic is no longer needed then, cause there's not much left anyone can really tell me that would make me want to change. I'm just looking for that magical cure that doesn't exist.


----------



## Oobin

I hope this isn't rude, but your post is fascinating. It's just not often that we get to see how people with this much anxiety feel. Hopefully it helps people understand.

Though I've lived with anxiety, I've only had a short stint of agoraphobia. This was due to severe withdrawal from benzodiazepines that really messed up for a few months. It was scary, and I hated to think that my life would be like that. I'll admit another part didn't mind it though. I was safe and I could be left alone. 

Do you have a backyard(or a front yard though it's a bit more imposing)? That was something I'd do-- Just step out into the backyard, one step. Two steps. More. Give it time. Increase daily or weekly. Eventually I started going outside to jog but by then the benzo withdrawal symptoms were wearing off so it was easier. Jogging was good though-- if you can get to this point someday-- because you're not stopping to look at pedestrians or say hi. You basically just run right by them. No confrontation. Baby steps, right?


----------



## TCyan

Oobin said:


> I hope this isn't rude, but your post is fascinating. It's just not often that we get to see how people with this much anxiety feel. Hopefully it helps people understand.
> 
> Though I've lived with anxiety, I've only had a short stint of agoraphobia. This was due to severe withdrawal from benzodiazepines that really messed up for a few months. It was scary, and I hated to think that my life would be like that. I'll admit another part didn't mind it though. I was safe and I could be left alone.
> 
> Do you have a backyard(or a front yard though it's a bit more imposing)? That was something I'd do-- Just step out into the backyard, one step. Two steps. More. Give it time. Increase daily or weekly. Eventually I started going outside to jog but by then the benzo withdrawal symptoms were wearing off so it was easier. Jogging was good though-- if you can get to this point someday-- because you're not stopping to look at pedestrians or say hi. You basically just run right by them. No confrontation. Baby steps, right?


I've said several times, and I understand not everyone is going to read every single post I've posted, but I'm not afraid of stepping outside. I can go out in my back and front yard with no problems. It's going out in public that I cannot do. Just being around people sends me into panic attack mode instantly. So I just don't bother going outside at all.


----------



## TiredandWeary

TCyan said:


> That's just not the way I see it. I admit I'm a pretty screwed up individual. I did post this topic because I was feeling like I needed to shout to the world what was going on in my mind. I admit If I were really happy, I would have never came here to begin with.
> 
> I honestly just wanted to see what others thought about me, that's all. I wasn't looking for help or anything. I do see how it was interpret that way, but honestly I don't know whats going on in my mind. All I know was, I was pretty depressed before I made this topic, and then I felt better after spilling my guts. I just enjoy seeing what others think about me, good or bad.
> 
> I guess this topic is no longer needed then, cause there's not much left anyone can really tell me that would make me want to change. I'm just looking for that magical cure that doesn't exist.


I'm sorry if I came across as angry (I was just leaving for work). To be honest, do what you want man, just dont live to regret any more things that you could do in the future.

You say going out in public sends you out into a panic, well just look at it this way, your nothing and the millions of people out there are nothing as well, we're all totally insignificant at the end of the day and you going out isnt going to change the world of the millions but it might just change yours.

T&W


----------



## brokenhearts

I never cry at anything, but you made me cry. As I was reading your story, it was like I was reading about myself in the future.



> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college.


Especially after reading this. It's what my life is right now. I'm scared to death of going to college and university and I'm positive that I will start getting panic attacks if I do go. (I've had a few before but not major) It's been 2 years since I graduated and since I've been telling my parents that I'll go to college the following year. But it hasn't happened and they keep pestering me about it every day.



> Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope.


Same. Except I can't stand my parents, they would never let me live at home without a job. I would prefer having a full time job, living in an apartment and being a hermit. I've told them a bit about my disorder but they simply do not understand what it is and think I'm just making excuses.

I do have great friends, lots of friends. The only people on earth where when I'm with them, my disorder goes a way for a split second. I love the outdoors, I love nature, but if there's going to be lots of people around, chances are I'll just stay home.

I've turned down good job opportunities because of my fear. I was working full time at an industrial building as a production worker for 2 years. Doing night and day, 12 hour shifts. It was extremely tough but it was the only job where I didn't have to be social, so I stayed. I just took the summer off because my body couldn't take it anymore.


----------



## TheExplosionist

brokenhearts said:


> I never cry at anything, but you made me cry. As I was reading your story, it was like I was reading about myself in the future.


When I think of how many years have been wasted, hardly going out, having no hope and shame of being so far behind others, it makes me cry.

Act now. The depression is only going to get worse.


----------



## kostyalevin

TCyan said:


> I've said several times, and I understand not everyone is going to read every single post I've posted, but I'm not afraid of stepping outside. *I can go out in my back and front yard with no problems. It's going out in public that I cannot do. Just being around people sends me into panic attack mode instantly. So I just don't bother going outside at all*.


If you did not experience panic attacks when in public, would you be more interested in trying to meet people? Don't they have drugs for that sort of thing?

Have you thought about why you get panic attacks?

For what it's worth, I respect you for knowing yourself well enough to know what you really want in life. And that you understand what you're doing isn't "normal," but you're comfortable with that.


----------



## TCyan

brokenhearts said:


> I never cry at anything, but you made me cry. As I was reading your story, it was like I was reading about myself in the future.
> 
> Especially after reading this. It's what my life is right now. I'm scared to death of going to college and university and I'm positive that I will start getting panic attacks if I do go. (I've had a few before but not major) It's been 2 years since I graduated and since I've been telling my parents that I'll go to college the following year. But it hasn't happened and they keep pestering me about it every day.
> 
> Same. Except I can't stand my parents, they would never let me live at home without a job. I would prefer having a full time job, living in an apartment and being a hermit. I've told them a bit about my disorder but they simply do not understand what it is and think I'm just making excuses.
> 
> I do have great friends, lots of friends. The only people on earth where when I'm with them, my disorder goes a way for a split second. I love the outdoors, I love nature, but if there's going to be lots of people around, chances are I'll just stay home.
> 
> I've turned down good job opportunities because of my fear. I was working full time at an industrial building as a production worker for 2 years. Doing night and day, 12 hour shifts. It was extremely tough but it was the only job where I didn't have to be social, so I stayed. I just took the summer off because my body couldn't take it anymore.


I didn't mean to make anyone cry, but I appreciate that a lot. I'm pretty emotional myself and It's nice to hear that my story was moving enough.

Like anyone else would say here, You should try your best to not end up like me. Do whatever it takes. Try your best. Don't give up like I did. Get your friends to help you. Do something everyday, even if it's just a tiny step. If there's any part of you that does not want to end up like me, then grasp that part of you and run with it.



kostyalevin said:


> If you did not experience panic attacks when in public, would you be more interested in trying to meet people? Don't they have drugs for that sort of thing?
> 
> Have you thought about why you get panic attacks?
> 
> For what it's worth, I respect you for knowing yourself well enough to know what you really want in life. And that you understand what you're doing isn't "normal," but you're comfortable with that.


I don't see any reason to why I would want to meet people. I just can't comprehend it. If I was just suddenly cured of panic attacks, I'd still just stay the way I am, shut in. It's not just the panic attacks that keep me shut in, it's the entire world itself. I don't want to deal with it. It's a fear that I cannot describe.

I cannot stand drugs. I'm very sensitive to medications and I get extreme side effects every time. I also cannot take pills because I have a swallowing problem. I'm paranoid about my personality changing from drugs too. I don't want to change the way I am.

Have I thought to why I get panic attacks? I don't know. I just feel like I'm being judged the moment I step into a crowded area. The spot light is on me and everyone is watching me. I know that's just all in my head, but I can't overcome it. So I just don't bother anymore. Staying inside is nice.


----------



## kostyalevin

TCyan said:


> I honestly just wanted to see what others thought about me, that's all. I wasn't looking for help or anything. I do see how it was interpret that way, but honestly I don't know whats going on in my mind. All I know was, I was pretty depressed before I made this topic, and then I felt better after spilling my guts. *I just enjoy seeing what others think about me, good or bad.*


This seems to contradict what you just said. Why do you not get panic attacks when people judge you on this forum?


----------



## TCyan

kostyalevin said:


> This seems to contradict what you just said. Why do you not get panic attacks when people judge you on this forum?


Cause It's being around people that messes me up, not reading text on the internet. Yeah whenever people online say stuff to me that hurts my feelings or makes me angry, I can get upset, but not to the point of having a panic attack.


----------



## Oobin

kostyalevin said:


> Don't they have drugs for that sort of thing?.


If it was as simple as a pill, none of us would be here.


----------



## johnkim

While my experience is not as extreme as you do, I resonate with your point about happiness.

sometimes I stay home for many days and watch TV shows/movies to kill my time. Am I 'happy'? Yes because my senses are numbed by these stimuli. However, deep down, I'm not happy. I know I can be doing better things.

I do hope you can get out of your hole. Make a concrete plan and start doing it a little step at a time.

Start out by going to a local mall/supermarket every day. Just walk around when there are a lot of people. When you are comfortable with that. Start looking at people while you are walking. Make brief eye contacts. Don't do it excessively though because it might look aggressive/creepy. When you are comfortable with that, try get a volunteer job at helping people.

Best of luck in your transition.


----------



## andy0128

I suppose we can all somewhat relate to your circumstances. Your lifestyle is now habitual and as its gone on for so long you probably fear the normal life more than ever. However, even though you said you were ok with doing this it sounded as though you also had a feeling of wasting your life. I would say to you that it isn't too late too change even after all this time. You could get some councelling and set a few small goals; there is no point expecting for big things early on, you will have to slowly ease yourself back into society otherwise you could risk being majorly dissapointed. Don't expect it to be easy but at this stage what do you have to lose?


----------



## IcemanKilmer

I think I'm in very similar situation. I too am mooching off my parents. The only time I go outside is to either go to work, donate plasma, or go to the liquor and grocery store. I only work 9 hours a week because I can, because my parents are well off financially and I know they will let me stay in their house for free.

I do go on walks and jogs too, but by myself. I think I kind of have the same mentality as the OP. I'm not happy, but I'm not that depressed, either. I'm kind of just stuck in neutral, with a constant feeling of loneliness (about a 3 or 4 on a 1-10 scale). I've never showed much emotion throughout my life, and in the past 4 years I've showed almost no emotion at all because I'm by myself the majority of the time.

When I was hanging out with my friends I was eventually driven to suicidal thoughts so I got out of that situation and isolated myself. I felt like if I kept putting myself around my friends I may have done something bad to myself. So, I can relate with the OP when he says maybe this is best to isolate ourselves. I've seen how being around people can make you truly want to die.


----------



## thisgirl

I can honestly say this story has brought a few tears to my eyes. This was me in the past. My anxiety began in 1999 too, but I was only 13 years old at the time and it wasn't that severe yet. It got worse and worse over the years, to the point that I was a completely withdrawn person in high school. Started college and dropped out, and pretty much stayed indoors everyday. No job, no nothing. Mom paid my bills, did everything for me. Spent my days playing video games and watching TV. Rarely wanted to go outdoors. But the only difference with me was, after a few years of this I became terrified of living the rest of my life like this. And regretful of all the things I missed out on. It inspired me to make a change, and face all of my fears. Life for me is now way better than it has ever been. 

I know you're not looking for advice here. But it makes me so sad to know you're living this way. It's unfair that we have this horrible anxiety that makes even the simplest things so difficult for us. Making a change is very scary and sadly some of us never attempt it. I wish you could've gotten the chance to see what life can really be like. You are not just a worthless person, you're entitled to feel happy and loved just as much as anyone else. I am so sad that you have given up, but trust me it is never too late to make a change. I can really relate to your story, it really hits home for me. We are strangers to each other but I am crying for you.


----------



## TCyan

To the last few posts.

I wish I could say something positive but, I cannot. Nothing's changed since I've made this topic. Like I've said over and over, I just don't have any motivation to want to change. I'm far too comfortable right where I am. I just don't see any potential in wanting to live a "normal" life. It just looks like crap no matter how I imagine it. I know for a fact that I would not be happy and I know I would just consider suicide. But if I just stay in my little bubble here for as long as I want, maybe another 10 or 20 years, I'll be perfectly happy because I won't have anything to worry about (besides my parents life spans).

Then when I'm all alone, then I can decide if I'm just going to die or if I'm going to step outside. By then, it'll be far too late to have a normal life, and I'm okay with that. It sucks I know, but that's just the only way I see it. I'll probably have to get myself into a mental hospital or something. I'd rather be in a padded room than be looking for jobs. I'm sure if I just throw a major panic attack in front of a lot of strangers, someone will take care of me. A straight jacket sounds nice.



thisgirl said:


> We are strangers to each other but i am crying for you.


I appreciate it, but you really shouldn't. I don't deserve it or anything for that matter. I'm not sad. I just want to stay curled up in a little ball in my room for eternity.


----------



## thisgirl

I just can't control the tears. I don't think any other story here has ever made me cry like this. I know you're so used to this lifestyle, you are not sad about it. But it makes me very sad. You deserve so much better than this. It's so unfair. If only there was a magic pill that could cure it all.


----------



## mastershake

Gonna party like it's 1999.


----------



## JamieHasAnxiety

Reading that made my heart beat stronger and sink. I don't have anything to say that you haven't mentioned already, so good luck, and I hope god blesses you with a way out, and that you have the courage to take it.


----------



## TCyan

thisgirl said:


> I just can't control the tears. I don't think any other story here has ever made me cry like this. I know you're so used to this lifestyle, you are not sad about it. But it makes me very sad. You deserve so much better than this. It's so unfair. If only there was a magic pill that could cure it all.


Yeah but even if I was magically cured, I don't think I'd want to just jump out into the world and be like nothing happened and move on. I'd still want to just be left alone. Honestly, if I didn't have panic attacks at all in public, I'd still not want to get a job or move out or meet people. I've always strayed away from all that stuff all my life. Being magically cured would just make me a leech in general, instead of a leech because of SA.


----------



## fonz

What keeps you going? What makes you look forward to the future?


----------



## TCyan

fonz said:


> What keeps you going? What makes you look forward to the future?


See, I don't even understand this question. I just get up everyday, play some games, watch some tv, eat, shower, go to bed, repeat. Been this way the entire time. I don't think about the future because all I see is death.


----------



## Hot Chocolate

I could understand how you feel.

Really. If only my family is stable and well-off, I could be like you, living day by day without a care.


----------



## TCyan

My family is far from well off... We're not rich or anything, and we're not poor, but I shouldn't be living here anymore. But I can't imagine not living here.


----------



## VanDamMan

Jemma said:


> "All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today."
> *-* Pope Paul VI
> ​


I was thinking something similar.

Life is scary, even for regular folks.

You need some meds to get you started. See a doctor. Once you get active you can think about decreasing meds.


----------



## TCyan

Can't take meds. They don't work, I can't swallow pills, and I don't want my personality to change. I'm very panicky/OCD over taking any kind of meds.


----------



## VanDamMan

TCyan said:


> Can't take meds. They don't work, I can't swallow pills, and I don't want my personality to change. I'm very panicky/OCD over taking any kind of meds.


Then break them up into a powder and mix it in with food.

Your personality doesn't change. You just start seeing different viewpoints and options you never saw before. If you really don't like them, you can always quit.


----------



## LostSoldier

I believe I'm very similar to you, Tcyan. Only difference is is I actually go out, try to find jobs (which I did) but because I'm a loner, no girlfriend, no real friends, no one to really talk to except my family, i would lie to just stay in bed all the time, watch TV and play video games. That's what I used to do a lot. Now I work, but often times, I'm very depressed and contemplate suicide unless I revert back to my room. And even then, I want to die because I'm 22 and live with my mom still. I feel like I am a nuisance to everyone who simply don't want me around. So my room is almost like my safe haven to shut out the world.

I'm just getting tired of life. I piss so many people off. My family, friends, my supervisors, other drivers on the road, etc. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong so I wish I could just stay in my room so society won't have to deal with me.


----------



## Reposada

I'm so sorry you've been so unlucky, Lost Soldier. Please try to be your own friend and love yourself and the bits of the gift of life that you've received, even if small. I feel I do empathize to an extreme extent with wanting to hide and not 'bother' anyone. It's so painful. Often, though I'm not implying this has anything whatsoever to do with your life because I don't know you - but often, people who weren't really loved or even perceived as separate individuals when they are children live with a kind of permanent shame and embarrassment. That's partly my issue. I believe my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I was just an inanimate object with no one to trust - so I sort of learned to depend on myself for 'socialization' or entertainment or whatever you call it - and I learned to adore solitude. School only made matters worse because I got there so damaged - no father, no siblings, very few who had ever liked me, let alone loved me. I knew I had a father who didn't care - never even sent a birthday or Christmas card. Met him as a teen and found out, yep, I was absolutely right - he expected me to love him and be interested in his life, of all things, but had not one bit of interest in mine (or in me or my children - his grandchildren - but he didn't really see them as that. I guess he was a Narcissist too. Oh well. C'est la vie.)

We all have our stories. Sometimes the 'bad luck' if you even want to call it that - is that we were born with genetics that made us extremely shy and avoidant. I still spend some time feeling sorry for myself - and I swear I don't want to bring the divisive subject of religion into this yet again - but Buddhism as a psychological system (NOT as a religion) helped me probably more than anything. Just Noble Truth #1. Life is suffering. Not just me. Not just the few other sad stories I know about some other people. But for everyone. Maybe not everyday but a lot. Eventually, it just boils down to suffering. But the next two of those basic tenets of that philosophy also gave me a sort of salvation - just stop wanting things to be different.

Hell, the high point of a good day can be a delicious drink of water when you're thirsty, if you stop and really think how wonderful that sensation was - getting that drink. And some of us have so much more! I know there's suffering here that is relentless and cannot be relieved. The Buddha guy himself simply said, try it, it may not work for you, but it worked for me, and the simple solution was forget to worry about yourself - yep, you had appalling luck (here, I'm not talking about anyone but myself so please don't take this as 'advice' or accusations towards anyone here - everyone is different.) Anyhow, I acquired this view that I would look for those moments when I was thirsty and the water gave me incredible pleasure.

There's a story or something in Buddhism about a guy who was chased off a cliff by a tiger and falling to certain death, but managed to grab a strawberry on the way to his death, and no strawberry ever tasted so sweet - it was delectible. And sheesh, I do NOT mean that for anyone to think they should commit suicide - this guy didn't choose to be chased off the cliff by the tiger - but hey, it is what it is. Life is what it is. If you can savor ANY of its moments, please do. But also, please consider not bringing on extra suffering by wanting wanting wanting - more friends, more love from family, more 'normalilty', adulation, sex, power, money, fame, achievement, 'self actualization' - sometimes a drink of water can be the ultimate fabulous moment - as good as anything the greatest pop star or oil tycoon ever experiences.

And if you really can reach the 'selfless' state - then you wouldn't have social anxiety because you'd realize it didn't matter anymore. (Now I'll never get THERE, lol, but I believe that some could or have.) And finally, maybe for some who are hopeless, a monastery stay in a place with a vow of silence or something might be a last ditch effort to save your life? Some people need the pressure OFF. To be told when to get up, what to do, not to be allowed to expect stuff - and there are some monasteries where I think that's still possible - a controlled life without any expectation of figuring out how to make yourself accepted. You are part of the universe, whether anyone 'accepts' that is really as strange a concept as whether the tree in your back yard is accepted by all the people in your neighborhood. It's not up to them. That tree is alive and it's part of the whole - in a way, it is everything and so are you. Everything that any other creature is - there's no 'lesser' being and there are no 'greater' ones - there's just one.

And here I hit a wall when I try to fit in bullies and narcissists and psychopaths - I guess their way of coping is to elevate their painful inadequate feelings of despair by the pleasure of having power and strength over others by hurting them. In any case, if there is any thing that doesn't belong, it's that. Evil. I've meandered off into a digression I shouldn't but these thoughts help me, a lot. And nothing else really has - when I had friends I was constantly afraid of losing them - well, you know. The grass (in my humble opinion) is seldom greener in the other person's backyard, unless you make the decision that it probably is. And even if it is, so what? Your life is what you hold in your hands right this second - and that's all anybody ever has, anyway, no matter how much money, accolades, lovers, friends, fans, you have. It's never enough until you decide that YOU, all by yourself, are enough, and you're content to just look for those occasional moments that bring you even a bit of joy - like the first drink of water in the morning.

Sheesh, no, I'm not drunk. I may be going crazy but what a lovely, understanding board to be 'different' on. I do read everyone's posts and I worry about everyone here. I wish I knew how to help relieve your suffering - but please know, that it's a universal condition - the pain of life - and the potential for little joys in life. For me, I guess I believe that's about all there is. It took me decades to get there, but I like that resignation - it sustains me and it strengthens me when I need to do something really badly, like make some money or make myself face dealing with other people to help my kid or something.


----------



## Cornerstone

LostSoldier said:


> I. And even then, I want to die _because I'm 22 and live with my mom still_. .


in europe this is very normal. so it's relative.


----------



## primalrose

Cornerstone said:


> in europe this is very normal. so it's relative.


Yes And in many asian cultures, this is also normal! Many kids live with their parents right until they're married so please do not judge yourself harshly, as hard as it is. I am sorry you feel so down about your life...your life reflects my own so closely and I sympathize with you. It's a battle everyday in your head to try and be happy and not let the misery of feeling alone, socially challenged and lost swamp you. I feel such a huge burden to my boyfriend sometimes especially, I am constantly depressed with random mood swings and he even admitted because of my depression, it is hard to love me sometimes. My mother admitted to me she saw me as a failure and is ashamed of talking about me to her extended family. It makes you feel like you're a waste of space. It hurt so bad I questioned whether it was worth living anymore. Please don't lose hope...try your hardest to find something healthy that makes life worth living. I am hoping love will give me the necessary help I feel I need. I am just doing whatever I can, I still believe it's worth fighting to try and live life.


----------



## s0dy

Cornerstone said:


> in europe this is very normal. so it's relative.


Well, as far as Europe, I can tell you both me and my cousin (he's 23, but his problems are different, not SA) are seen as awful, spoiled, useless people who only think about themselves by anyone except our own parents.
So, your mileage may vary, depending on the country and even on the zone inside each country...


----------



## antonina

Reposada said:


> I'm so sorry you've been so unlucky, Lost Soldier. Please try to be your own friend and love yourself and the bits of the gift of life that you've received, even if small. I feel I do empathize to an extreme extent with wanting to hide and not 'bother' anyone. It's so painful. Often, though I'm not implying this has anything whatsoever to do with your life because I don't know you - but often, people who weren't really loved or even perceived as separate individuals when they are children live with a kind of permanent shame and embarrassment. That's partly my issue. I believe my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so I was just an inanimate object with no one to trust - so I sort of learned to depend on myself for 'socialization' or entertainment or whatever you call it - and I learned to adore solitude. School only made matters worse because I got there so damaged - no father, no siblings, very few who had ever liked me, let alone loved me. I knew I had a father who didn't care - never even sent a birthday or Christmas card. Met him as a teen and found out, yep, I was absolutely right - he expected me to love him and be interested in his life, of all things, but had not one bit of interest in mine (or in me or my children - his grandchildren - but he didn't really see them as that. I guess he was a Narcissist too. Oh well. C'est la vie.)
> 
> We all have our stories. Sometimes the 'bad luck' if you even want to call it that - is that we were born with genetics that made us extremely shy and avoidant. I still spend some time feeling sorry for myself - and I swear I don't want to bring the divisive subject of religion into this yet again - but Buddhism as a psychological system (NOT as a religion) helped me probably more than anything. Just Noble Truth #1. Life is suffering. Not just me. Not just the few other sad stories I know about some other people. But for everyone. Maybe not everyday but a lot. Eventually, it just boils down to suffering. But the next two of those basic tenets of that philosophy also gave me a sort of salvation - just stop wanting things to be different.
> 
> Hell, the high point of a good day can be a delicious drink of water when you're thirsty, if you stop and really think how wonderful that sensation was - getting that drink. And some of us have so much more! I know there's suffering here that is relentless and cannot be relieved. The Buddha guy himself simply said, try it, it may not work for you, but it worked for me, and the simple solution was forget to worry about yourself - yep, you had appalling luck (here, I'm not talking about anyone but myself so please don't take this as 'advice' or accusations towards anyone here - everyone is different.) Anyhow, I acquired this view that I would look for those moments when I was thirsty and the water gave me incredible pleasure.
> 
> There's a story or something in Buddhism about a guy who was chased off a cliff by a tiger and falling to certain death, but managed to grab a strawberry on the way to his death, and no strawberry ever tasted so sweet - it was delectible. And sheesh, I do NOT mean that for anyone to think they should commit suicide - this guy didn't choose to be chased off the cliff by the tiger - but hey, it is what it is. Life is what it is. If you can savor ANY of its moments, please do. But also, please consider not bringing on extra suffering by wanting wanting wanting - more friends, more love from family, more 'normalilty', adulation, sex, power, money, fame, achievement, 'self actualization' - sometimes a drink of water can be the ultimate fabulous moment - as good as anything the greatest pop star or oil tycoon ever experiences.
> 
> And if you really can reach the 'selfless' state - then you wouldn't have social anxiety because you'd realize it didn't matter anymore. (Now I'll never get THERE, lol, but I believe that some could or have.) And finally, maybe for some who are hopeless, a monastery stay in a place with a vow of silence or something might be a last ditch effort to save your life? Some people need the pressure OFF. To be told when to get up, what to do, not to be allowed to expect stuff - and there are some monasteries where I think that's still possible - a controlled life without any expectation of figuring out how to make yourself accepted. You are part of the universe, whether anyone 'accepts' that is really as strange a concept as whether the tree in your back yard is accepted by all the people in your neighborhood. It's not up to them. That tree is alive and it's part of the whole - in a way, it is everything and so are you. Everything that any other creature is - there's no 'lesser' being and there are no 'greater' ones - there's just one.
> 
> And here I hit a wall when I try to fit in bullies and narcissists and psychopaths - I guess their way of coping is to elevate their painful inadequate feelings of despair by the pleasure of having power and strength over others by hurting them. In any case, if there is any thing that doesn't belong, it's that. Evil. I've meandered off into a digression I shouldn't but these thoughts help me, a lot. And nothing else really has - when I had friends I was constantly afraid of losing them - well, you know. The grass (in my humble opinion) is seldom greener in the other person's backyard, unless you make the decision that it probably is. And even if it is, so what? Your life is what you hold in your hands right this second - and that's all anybody ever has, anyway, no matter how much money, accolades, lovers, friends, fans, you have. It's never enough until you decide that YOU, all by yourself, are enough, and you're content to just look for those occasional moments that bring you even a bit of joy - like the first drink of water in the morning.
> 
> Sheesh, no, I'm not drunk. I may be going crazy but what a lovely, understanding board to be 'different' on. I do read everyone's posts and I worry about everyone here. I wish I knew how to help relieve your suffering - but please know, that it's a universal condition - the pain of life - and the potential for little joys in life. For me, I guess I believe that's about all there is. It took me decades to get there, but I like that resignation - it sustains me and it strengthens me when I need to do something really badly, like make some money or make myself face dealing with other people to help my kid or something.


I think this is a really incredible post and has some deep wisdom in it. When you are constantly in a state of wanting you make yourself miserable. It's important to recognize even the smallest of things like the beauty of nature or just a cool drink of water as you said. Your posts are helpful in giving others a different way of looking at things.


----------



## roxyruby

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


Hey, don't worry, you can start taking positive steps forward from anywhere, and you can just take tiny positive steps forward.

You say you are happy and miserable at the same time.

But is it possible that you just mean *comfortable* instead of happy?

People can adapt to Depression or a circumstance they'd prefer to not h ave and find it comforting and familiar - and then maybe they call it happiness when it's really a feeling of comfort and familiarity.

I believe that you don't need to take big positive steps forward. You only have to take the tiniest positive step forward.

Taking one tiny, tiny positive step forward, even if it's so tiny it seems silly, will lead to a chain reaction or positive spiral upwards, even if that's just feeling slightly better or slightly more hopeful.

That could be asking your parents to help arrange a therapy visit for you. Or that could be getting a book or asking your parents to get a book for you about overcoming depression/agoraphobia/panic attacks.

There's lots of self help resources online. You could check that out. You don't have to do anything except for the tiniest positive step forward.

You could click on a self help website and then take a break, and then just read one line, then take a break, etc.

It doesn't matter how small your positive steps forward are because the only point is to make a positive step forward - that's the only point. And you should feel great about that and praise and reward your self!

You have the chance for something exciting to happen - and you can make this happen simply by working towards it, no matter how slowly.!!!

Maybe start by listing some life occurrences or accomplishments that would excite you - don't limit your self - let what truly excites you in life be free.

Then think of the tiniest positive step to do to work towards making this become a reality.

You may have to work on the depression first. Just be very easy and gentle on your self. - You've had it hard so respect that and make sure that you be very understanding, gentle, and patient towards your self.

Misery and Depression is unworthy of you. You are an amazing person!


----------



## TCyan

I'm sure everything that's been said so far can be a great help to others that are like me that happen to sit and read everything in this thread. This was basically was I was going for when I made this topic. Just to vent, and maybe help others like me with you guys trying to help me. It means a lot that so many people here have taken the time to type so many suggestions, helpful/positive words, and show me that I'm not the only one out there that is like this. I wish I could say that I'm doing something about my situation, but I'm not. There's just nothing that can change how I am. It's extremely messed up, I know, but I just don't care about anything, including my own life.

I'm probably going to stop checking up on this thread/site now, because I've gotten my fill from venting, and there's really nothing here left for me to say. It's just kind of depressing now reading this topic.

I do appreciate everyone at least trying to help me, but I never had any intention on listening to anyone here. I might try to get SSDI or something, but I'm staying a shut in for the rest of my life. It's just my fate.


----------



## Cornerstone

You yourself won't change. Maybe something external will change you. Oblomov got out of his bed for a girl, for example.


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## Crazy777

Ok this is scaring the crap out of me!:afr I'm basically a shut in already, like you i hate the idea of paying bills, having a job, etc, also dont care about relationships either (seems like useless drama to me). The crazy thing is I also like this life style of being a lazy slob (basically) but i also know that when my parents die some day ill either a. consider suicide at that point or b. get lucky and somehow manage on my own. The hole job thing like i said I dont care for it, only job that looks like fun is being a game designer. What i'm trying to say is im worried that while im trying to avoid becoming a complete shut in it might still happen anyways. Hell im in college and only have one friend there! I usually just keep to my self which probably doesnt help but i cant help it >.< Damn this comfort zone of mine!!!


----------



## kunak

Well this has been an amazing thread. I hope you come back to post from time to time or whenever something new happens such as going out in public. I see myself as similar to you in many ways and I understand why you dont want to change.


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## Ultima

Well at least you're doing what you want. Other then that, I would say try to plot ahead. Set goals from which you avail. Just try to gradually branch out the rest of your life. Its not over for you at 30.


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## Ultima

This is off topic but what games do you play?


----------



## daniel11206

**** this is depressing because this was me at one pint of my life, how i got over it i basically forced myself to go outside everyday cause i had ****ing dreams that i wanted to go after i didn't give a **** about the anxiety anymore. I told myself i rather die from having so much anxiety than live this ****ty life. And i forced myself to go out, yeah i feel so much anxiety i even had a bunch of panic attacks but guess what i found out anxiety can kill me, and later i found out anxiety isn't even that bad, if anything i sometimes enjoy the feeling. 

And yeah at 30 u still have time.


----------



## gricky

this was a very long thread. i read all of it and feel very badly now. i had a good job at a cpa firm but got overwhelmed by tax season and left. my friends are all gone now as NJ is too expensive to live in. im 55 and have not gone on a date in 33 years. so now my parents are my only friends and they are in their 80's and in failing health. my social anxiety is pretty bad, to the point where if i go on an interview my hands shake and i stutter. i dont want to be alone and i dont want to have no purpose in life. i was able to function for a long time by drinking (alot) but i stopped drinking because i was blacking out frequently. i have no answer but i know im not happy at all.


----------



## GreatEscape

I've read through the entire thread. It's been a fancinating read. Sorry to hear about your circumstances.

TCyan, a few times throughout the thread you mentioned that if you found a work at home job online that didn't require talking on the phone or being on webcam, you would do it.

Have you considered writing articles to make some money? This is a service which is very much in demand, so there is no shortage of people who want articles written on websites such as Fiverr, Elance and Freelancer. You don't need to talk on the phone to anyone, nor do you have to leave the house.

From reading your posts, you are clearly intelligent and a good writer so it's well within your capability.

You said that you hate being a leech off your parents. If you earned money this way, you could pay them rent and no longer have the burden of being a leech. Even if you only wrote 4 articles per day for $5 per article, you would be earning $20/day, which is $140/week.

You could pay your parents about $80/week rent and keep $60/week for yourself. That is assuming you charge $5 per article though. You could earn more once you get used to it and build a reputation.

People don't expect the articles to be a masterpiece at this price, so there isn't a need to worry about them being perfect or being any sort of expert on the subject you are writing about. You just need to do some research on the topic, then write coherently.

This can only happen obviously *if you take action* though. Many people don't make money online because they procrastinate and put things off. I know as ive been there myself.

If you want to do this, you need to set a specific time when you are going to signup to the sites and submit your article service. Whatever time you decide i.e. 10am on a Monday morning, then just take action and do it. If you have the attitude "i'll do this maybe sometime in the future", you'll likely procrastinate and it will never get done".

If you want any help signing up to sites such as Fiverr, Elance, oDesk, Freelancer, etc.. just PM me and i'll help or you can go on the Warrior forum and start up a topic. There is a lot of very experienced people there who are willing to help.

Id recommend signing upto at least 5 sites as then you are more likely to get your first order sooner than if you only signup to just one or 2 sites.


----------



## TCyan

Decided to pop back on this forum to check up on my thread and post what has happened for the last month or so, also reply to any posts there may be.

To start off, nothing has really changed in the last month. I am still just a shut in. I haven't done anything to try and change. I still have no motivation to do anything. I perfectly fine with living this way.

I had some family over briefly a few weeks ago. One of my aunts came out right away after just entering the front door saying "Why don't you have any kids yet?" and then went into a rant about how I should just get someone pregnant and have them drop the baby off here at the house just so my parents can have a grandchild. Now before you think anything negative about this, she was just joking around. My family on my fathers side are very sarcastic and like to joke a lot. I knew she was just joking with me and all that.

But all kidding aside, it still made me feel uncomfortable knowing that, just being reminded, that I'm 30 and still a virgin. It doesn't bother me at all when I'm just doing my usual shut in life, watching tv or playing games. But when others point it out to me, it's just a sour reminder.

I don't want any kids and I don't ever plan on having any kids. So the way I see it, it's even better for me to just stay a virgin.

Lucky for me, my family didn't stay long. They all went out to some casino near by, with my parents. I stayed home because again, I can't handle crowds, hate social activities, and get motion sickness from riding in a vehicle.

Hmm, don't think anything else has happened. Just kicking back and enjoying my laid back lifestyle.



Cornerstone said:


> You yourself won't change. Maybe something external will change you. Oblomov got out of his bed for a girl, for example.


Not sure what to say about this comment. There's never going to be a specific someone that I'd change for, because I don't talk to anyone at all in person, and don't have anyone I'm remotely close to even online. The act of my parents passing away would be the only thing that might change me. But I could very well just end my life instead, which is what I think I would do. Those of you saying "how can you think ending your life will be so easy? A lot of people are unable to do it, what makes you think you can?". Well, I'm not 100% confident I could, but I do think about it a lot. I feel like I've been mentally preparing myself for years and years now. I won't go into details because that is against the rules of this forum, but I do have a plan, as grim as that may sound.



Ultima said:


> Well at least you're doing what you want. Other then that, I would say try to plot ahead. Set goals from which you avail. Just try to gradually branch out the rest of your life. Its not over for you at 30.


Yeah I do set goals. Goal #1, wake up. Goal #2, watch TV... really that's basically all I do on a daily basis and it never gets boring. Goal #3, play game and get past a specific level. ect.



Ultima said:


> This is off topic but what games do you play?


Currently, Minecraft. Sometimes I play Maplestory. I have Terraria too, but I quit playing until they release some major patches. I play a lot of old games like NES, SNES, and Genesis too.



daniel11206 said:


> **** this is depressing because this was me at one pint of my life, how i got over it i basically forced myself to go outside everyday cause i had ****ing dreams that i wanted to go after i didn't give a **** about the anxiety anymore. I told myself i rather die from having so much anxiety than live this ****ty life. And i forced myself to go out, yeah i feel so much anxiety i even had a bunch of panic attacks but guess what i found out anxiety can kill me, and later i found out anxiety isn't even that bad, if anything i sometimes enjoy the feeling.
> 
> And yeah at 30 u still have time.


Difference here is, I don't ever want to go outside. You had this drive to want to go outside and you eventually fought your anxiety. I don't have any drive to want to go outside. I am 100% fine with being a shut in forever. There's absolutely nothing I want outside of this house. The world can blow itself up for all I care.



gricky said:


> this was a very long thread. i read all of it and feel very badly now. i had a good job at a cpa firm but got overwhelmed by tax season and left. my friends are all gone now as NJ is too expensive to live in. im 55 and have not gone on a date in 33 years. so now my parents are my only friends and they are in their 80's and in failing health. my social anxiety is pretty bad, to the point where if i go on an interview my hands shake and i stutter. i dont want to be alone and i dont want to have no purpose in life. i was able to function for a long time by drinking (alot) but i stopped drinking because i was blacking out frequently. i have no answer but i know im not happy at all.


That's rough.



GreatEscape said:


> I've read through the entire thread. It's been a fancinating read. Sorry to hear about your circumstances.
> 
> TCyan, a few times throughout the thread you mentioned that if you found a work at home job online that didn't require talking on the phone or being on webcam, you would do it.
> 
> Have you considered writing articles to make some money? This is a service which is very much in demand, so there is no shortage of people who want articles written on websites such as Fiverr, Elance and Freelancer. You don't need to talk on the phone to anyone, nor do you have to leave the house.
> 
> From reading your posts, you are clearly intelligent and a good writer so it's well within your capability.
> 
> You said that you hate being a leech off your parents. If you earned money this way, you could pay them rent and no longer have the burden of being a leech. Even if you only wrote 4 articles per day for $5 per article, you would be earning $20/day, which is $140/week.
> 
> You could pay your parents about $80/week rent and keep $60/week for yourself. That is assuming you charge $5 per article though. You could earn more once you get used to it and build a reputation.
> 
> People don't expect the articles to be a masterpiece at this price, so there isn't a need to worry about them being perfect or being any sort of expert on the subject you are writing about. You just need to do some research on the topic, then write coherently.
> 
> This can only happen obviously *if you take action* though. Many people don't make money online because they procrastinate and put things off. I know as ive been there myself.
> 
> If you want to do this, you need to set a specific time when you are going to signup to the sites and submit your article service. Whatever time you decide i.e. 10am on a Monday morning, then just take action and do it. If you have the attitude "i'll do this maybe sometime in the future", you'll likely procrastinate and it will never get done".
> 
> If you want any help signing up to sites such as Fiverr, Elance, oDesk, Freelancer, etc.. just PM me and i'll help or you can go on the Warrior forum and start up a topic. There is a lot of very experienced people there who are willing to help.
> 
> Id recommend signing upto at least 5 sites as then you are more likely to get your first order sooner than if you only signup to just one or 2 sites.


Sorry, just not interested in writing articles. Not my thing.


----------



## kunak

Hey glad to see you back here for a bit. I find you posts very interesting and I can relate. Hope you keep returning every once in a while to update us on anything new happens or whenever you want to say something


----------



## LucidVision

We should stop criticizing TCyan.

His story offers some good insight into how the human mind works. In order to protect his ego, he literally had to distance himself from it completely. And guess what, he's probably happier than many people on this forum. 

However, he only got things half right because his ego still exists and its bigger than ever. That's why he continues to be a shut-in because it's his ego that fears change. 

Many of us should adopt his ability to find happiness in the little things of the present moment rather than ego derived things, but at the same time, we have to do it by transcending the ego rather than completely avoiding it, as is in his case.

By transcending it, you will remove all fear and have the freedom to make better choices in life and create a life of purer intention. 

Thanks for your story TCyan. I would recommend you read some book by Eckhart Tolle. They might help you to find inner peace and perhaps with enough awareness, you'll be able to take small steps towards something different. Best of luck!


----------



## Nick9075

gricky said:


> this was a very long thread. i read all of it and feel very badly now. i had a good job at a cpa firm but got overwhelmed by tax season and left. my friends are all gone now as NJ is too expensive to live in. im 55 and have not gone on a date in 33 years. so now my parents are my only friends and they are in their 80's and in failing health. my social anxiety is pretty bad, to the point where if i go on an interview my hands shake and i stutter. i dont want to be alone and i dont want to have no purpose in life. i was able to function for a long time by drinking (alot) but i stopped drinking because i was blacking out frequently. i have no answer but i know im not happy at all.


Sorry to hear that. I have been trying to get a 'real' job for over a year now -- many interviews but NO offers --- hard for me to get thru the whole 'Walk me thru your Resume' question as well as questions like strenghts/weaknesses & career goals -- I have been 'temping' (at least my Resume shows continous temp jobs) since 2009 but not good enough. 
I don't have this problem with being a shut in (my apt is too messy, cluttered & dirty to spend extended periods of time in) but my employment history makes me feel like a loser


----------



## Veritastar

I'm kind of a shut in, but I have a few reasons for not interacting with people, it's not really something I volunteered myself for. The only reason why I haven't gotten really sad is because I am really introverted and love spending time alone, or time in quiet places. I'm not quite as extreme with my solitary lifestyle. I go outside, and on Sundays I interact with people at church, and I sometimes go to the store with my parents, or go outside and run around our local track. I love the outdoors a lot. 

I can't say I really hate my life, because I don't. I give myself just enough to feel comfortable but to not have an empty life. I have a lot of vision problems, and I have some minor learning disabilities that make it so it's a little hard for me to learn stuff sometimes. I have a few good reasons for being a semi-shut in. I am going back to college after Christmas. I have finally gottento the point socially finally where I feel like I can start my life. I know it's going to be terrifying but I really want to become a psychologist and be able to help people. That desire is so strong it over rides my fears sometimes. I know it's going to take a lot of effort, but I really want it enough I'm willing to go through something terrifying like interacting with people a lot. I am not really afraid to talk to people at all but I am afraid to interact with people a lot. I guess this is going to force me to get over that. I suppose it's for my own good.


----------



## ItemEleven

*Been living as a shut in since 1999.*

Misread the title. Lol. Instead of an H I saw an L. skipped the in. The joys of reading too quickly.


----------



## TCyan

I've kind of looked into getting SSDI, but from what I'm reading, I wouldn't be able to. I'm reading that I'd need documented doctor visits, medication, and all this other stuff that I don't do.

"claimants with mental impairments should be mindful of the fact that medical documentation of their condition (and the restrictions brought about by the condition) is of the utmost importance."

"Disability claimants who suffer from panic attacks should maintain a consistent relationship with a qualified mental health professional, preferably a psychiatrist (more weight is generally given to the treatment notes provided by an MD)."

So just that alone, I can't get SSDI because I refuse to step outside just to go to a doctor so that I can give them money to tell me something I already know, that I have agoraphobia, even if it means I might be able to get SSDI. I'd rather just jump off a cliff.

I had a small panic attack today because my mother was talking about how I should try looking for a job. Just TALKING about it makes me have a panic attack. Now I'm in a bad mood and feel terrible. She backed off and said I don't have to if I don't want to. She said she's just extremely worried about me. I know all this but there's nothing I can do.


----------



## Nick9075

TCyan said:


> So just that alone, I can't get SSDI because I refuse to step outside just to go to a doctor so that I can give them money to tell me something I already know, that I have agoraphobia, even if it means I might be able to get SSDI. I'd rather just jump off a cliff.
> 
> I had a small panic attack today because my mother was talking about how I should try looking for a job. Just TALKING about it makes me have a panic attack. Now I'm in a bad mood and feel terrible. She backed off and said I don't have to if I don't want to. She said she's just extremely worried about me. I know all this but there's nothing I can do.


Getting a job is hard.. I don't interview well so I cannot get hired.. Today at an interview the interviewer asked for to describe typical day & day to day. I could tell that he wasn't interested at the end of the interview. How do I 'talk' about projects involving reconciliation of numbers in an interview other than just general information?


----------



## cellophanegirl

TCyan said:


> I've kind of looked into getting SSDI, but from what I'm reading, I wouldn't be able to. I'm reading that I'd need documented doctor visits, medication, and all this other stuff that I don't do.
> 
> "claimants with mental impairments should be mindful of the fact that medical documentation of their condition (and the restrictions brought about by the condition) is of the utmost importance."
> 
> "Disability claimants who suffer from panic attacks should maintain a consistent relationship with a qualified mental health professional, preferably a psychiatrist (more weight is generally given to the treatment notes provided by an MD)."
> 
> So just that alone, I can't get SSDI because I refuse to step outside just to go to a doctor so that I can give them money to tell me something I already know, that I have agoraphobia, even if it means I might be able to get SSDI. I'd rather just jump off a cliff.
> 
> I had a small panic attack today because my mother was talking about how I should try looking for a job. Just TALKING about it makes me have a panic attack. Now I'm in a bad mood and feel terrible. She backed off and said I don't have to if I don't want to. She said she's just extremely worried about me. I know all this but there's nothing I can do.


I don't think you should be looking for a job. I'm having trouble with the job search/my anxiety, and I am much less of a recluse than you, and less resistant to change as well. If anything I think you should be looking for a therapist. I think it would be helpful to you, and would also help you get on SSDI. Your therapist could probably even help you through the steps you need to take to get disability.

It sounds like your mom has a lot of anxiety issues too and is scared to confront you even though she is not happy with the way things are.

You're probably going to come up with some excuse as to why you don't need to/shouldn't do any of this, but I think you need to take it into consideration, even if just so you don't end up 60 and homeless.


----------



## TCyan

cellophanegirl said:


> I don't think you should be looking for a job. I'm having trouble with the job search/my anxiety, and I am much less of a recluse than you, and less resistant to change as well. If anything I think you should be looking for a therapist. I think it would be helpful to you, and would also help you get on SSDI. Your therapist could probably even help you through the steps you need to take to get disability.
> 
> It sounds like your mom has a lot of anxiety issues too and is scared to confront you even though she is not happy with the way things are.
> 
> You're probably going to come up with some excuse as to why you don't need to/shouldn't do any of this, but I think you need to take it into consideration, even if just so you don't end up 60 and homeless.


You're right, the excuse I choose to say here is, therapy cost too much money, and I don't want to waste money on something I know won't help me, because I've already been down that road. It's just a waste of time (for me). Not to mention It's hard for me to go outside let alone go to therapy.


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## thankyouberry

Have you considered writing a book about yourself? If you can get it published, it could bring you some extra money, maybe.


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## TCyan

thankyouberry said:


> Have you considered writing a book about yourself? If you can get it published, it could bring you some extra money, maybe.


I have nothing else to write about myself other than everything I've already posted in this thread. This entire thread pretty much sums up my whole life up to this point.


----------



## kunak

Can you describe what you do on a day to day basis? Like after you get up in the morning? I think im pretty much the same as you minus 12 years :$


----------



## TCyan

kunak said:


> Can you describe what you do on a day to day basis? Like after you get up in the morning? I think im pretty much the same as you minus 12 years :$


Watch TV, play video games, browse the internet. It's all I need and it never gets boring to me.


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## donttalkmuch

There are therapists that will come to your house for your sessions. Would you be willing to do that?


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## TCyan

donttalkmuch said:


> There are therapists that will come to your house for your sessions. Would you be willing to do that?


I don't really see a point if it cost money. I'm not going to get help from it. I'm far too stubborn to change the way I am.


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## Gimmicks

This is scary to me.. I worry a lot that I'll end up exactly the same way. I've been stuck in my house for 3 years already. Even though I do like the idea of not having any responsibilities and being able to do whatever I want I know it's not realistic. I think the difference between me and you is that I haven't completely given up yet. Because I don't like knowing that suicide is going to be the only option left for me if I continue this lifestyle. It's sort of funny to me that fear is motivating and holding me back at the same time heh. Anyway, I won't tell you what you should do or that you must get help, obviously you know all of that. I don't think anyone can change or help themselves unless they really want to. Thanks for sharing your story though, I was starting to feel like I was the only one in this kind of situation.


----------



## MojoCrunch

I've finally managed to get through this thread and honestly, this has been one of the most interesting and honest threads I've ever come across. Actually quite saddened me and had an odd effect on me. Going to have to agree with that one guy who said you should write a book about this. I'd totally read it. The fact that I could have easily become like this if I didn't have nagging family members says a lot. It certainly seems like your situation came to this b/c your parents let you. And that you seem to be a huge slave to technology. I feel like despite my outer appearance I am just like you deep down inside.

I'm extremely scared of going out there into a world I really don't want to be a part of in the first place. I can't help but agree with you when life just seems like you work and do all the things people say you're supposed to do and die. Sure I've graduated college and gotten those elements of my life done with, but there is no passion for it. I don't really care about my career or anything, I just do it. I feel like I just go along with it because it's all I can do. Lot's of stuff happens in the world and I listen to others opinions, but then I get apathetic about it. Why do these people care so much? It doesn't really matter. You really think your foolish opinion really counts? There's nothing we can really do about it.

I can't believe that in 12 years you've only been outside about 6 times. It reminded me of my long period of depression. Would never leave my comfort zone or have motivation to do anything, even eat and shower. I was just a zombie, didn't care about anything or anyone, and just sat there waiting for the sun to go down so I could just go to sleep. But I was happy at the same time. Because I didn't have to have any interaction with anyone and get panic attacks b/c my fear was so great. Could listen to music and spend time doing things to numb anything. 

I don't know how I got out of that rut. Deep down it's still there. I really just don't care about anything despite what people see on the outside. The world just moves on really fast and it's like I don't care.

As for your situation, do what you feel is best. It's your life. Seems like those years went by in a blur. You mentioned life being frozen in that of your 13-year-old self. If I had to chance to be a kid again and do all these things I would choose it in a heartbeat. But mentality wise I'm not a kid and my aging self feels like it has to keep up with things around me b/c my aging brain tells me to. And I hate it so much. 

Anywho, sorry for the rambling. I think that it's great that you put this out there and explained things. I hope things work out for you in the best way possible and that you could be happy.


----------



## TCyan

Gimmicks said:


> This is scary to me.. I worry a lot that I'll end up exactly the same way. I've been stuck in my house for 3 years already. Even though I do like the idea of not having any responsibilities and being able to do whatever I want I know it's not realistic. I think the difference between me and you is that I haven't completely given up yet. Because I don't like knowing that suicide is going to be the only option left for me if I continue this lifestyle. It's sort of funny to me that fear is motivating and holding me back at the same time heh. Anyway, I won't tell you what you should do or that you must get help, obviously you know all of that. I don't think anyone can change or help themselves unless they really want to. Thanks for sharing your story though, I was starting to feel like I was the only one in this kind of situation.


Don't give up.



MojoCrunch said:


> I've finally managed to get through this thread and honestly, this has been one of the most interesting and honest threads I've ever come across. Actually quite saddened me and had an odd effect on me. Going to have to agree with that one guy who said you should write a book about this. I'd totally read it. The fact that I could have easily become like this if I didn't have nagging family members says a lot. It certainly seems like your situation came to this b/c your parents let you. And that you seem to be a huge slave to technology. I feel like despite my outer appearance I am just like you deep down inside.
> 
> I'm extremely scared of going out there into a world I really don't want to be a part of in the first place. I can't help but agree with you when life just seems like you work and do all the things people say you're supposed to do and die. Sure I've graduated college and gotten those elements of my life done with, but there is no passion for it. I don't really care about my career or anything, I just do it. I feel like I just go along with it because it's all I can do. Lot's of stuff happens in the world and I listen to others opinions, but then I get apathetic about it. Why do these people care so much? It doesn't really matter. You really think your foolish opinion really counts? There's nothing we can really do about it.
> 
> I can't believe that in 12 years you've only been outside about 6 times. It reminded me of my long period of depression. Would never leave my comfort zone or have motivation to do anything, even eat and shower. I was just a zombie, didn't care about anything or anyone, and just sat there waiting for the sun to go down so I could just go to sleep. But I was happy at the same time. Because I didn't have to have any interaction with anyone and get panic attacks b/c my fear was so great. Could listen to music and spend time doing things to numb anything.
> 
> I don't know how I got out of that rut. Deep down it's still there. I really just don't care about anything despite what people see on the outside. The world just moves on really fast and it's like I don't care.
> 
> As for your situation, do what you feel is best. It's your life. Seems like those years went by in a blur. You mentioned life being frozen in that of your 13-year-old self. If I had to chance to be a kid again and do all these things I would choose it in a heartbeat. But mentality wise I'm not a kid and my aging self feels like it has to keep up with things around me b/c my aging brain tells me to. And I hate it so much.
> 
> Anywho, sorry for the rambling. I think that it's great that you put this out there and explained things. I hope things work out for you in the best way possible and that you could be happy.


Thanks for the post. I appreciate it.


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## kunak

Wow mojocrunch that was a great post. Pretty much sums up how I feel about all the BS in the world. I really dont want to be a part of a world either where your life is based on working and when your not working your to tired from work to do anything else. Seems like a lot of people don't care though and just go day to day without thinking about it.


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## nathanunsure

I think you had MDD, try smoking some pot atleast to see if you want to do something while your high!


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## kunak

Oh I forgot to ask what part of the country do you live in?


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## daniel11206

TCyan said:


> You're right, the excuse I choose to say here is, therapy cost too much money, and I don't want to waste money on something I know won't help me, because I've already been down that road. It's just a waste of time (for me). Not to mention It's hard for me to go outside let alone go to therapy.


what therapy u tried? i did CBT and felt that it did help and many times when i felt it was a waste of time.

U should try ACT it helped me maybe it'll help u

But then again u said ur to stubborn to change, but i hope u do its never to late u still have many years left of life.


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## TCyan

kunak said:


> Oh I forgot to ask what part of the country do you live in?


I prefer not to say.



daniel11206 said:


> what therapy u tried? i did CBT and felt that it did help and many times when i felt it was a waste of time.
> 
> U should try ACT it helped me maybe it'll help u
> 
> But then again u said ur to stubborn to change, but i hope u do its never to late u still have many years left of life.


I didn't do anything specific but talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist and take anti-depressants. All this did was make things worse.

The main reason why I don't want to try any therapies is the cost of money. Then second is I'm too stubborn to change.


----------



## Monsoon

This advice might come too soon for you right now though. But if/when you get to the point where you're comfortable, don't be afraid to go to the library or reach out in your community to explore any interests.

Do you have any sort of interests beyond video games and anime? I like video games too (not much anime, but hey I watched all that Americanized stuff like Dragon Ball Z like every boy did lol), but sometimes I'll find myself on, say, wikipedia just looking up sh-- I'm curious about.

Ever found yourself doing that? Do you like to read or write? I know this is just a forum but at least through this electronic medium, your posts are very clear and it doesn't seem like you have a problem expressing your thoughts.

If you find something your interested in, don't be afraid to look further into it. If your parents are willing to supply you with video games, I'm sure they won't mind spending some money on other stuff you're interested in.

I have SA but I'm in school learning about something I'm very interested in.


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## MyHollis

Hi there. Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm always so interested in hearing other peoples stories and how similar they are to mine. I'm not a "shut in" but sometimes I wish I was. 

I actually moved out in 1999. I was a senior in high school and I called my mom's bluff and moved out. I supported myself by working at a movie theater, which was pretty surprising to me because of my SA. I puked every night before I left the house, because I knew I'd be dealing with people. If I didn't puke at work, I would puke when I got home. Eventually, my body transitioned from puking in social situations to actual panic attacks. Whenever I would go to the grocery store or a restaurant, I would run to the bathroom and cry and hyperventilate. And that's IF I was able to get out of my car. Sometimes, I would drive up to the store and just pass by. Thankfully, Wal-Marts are 24 hours, so I would go around 3am when it was dead to do my shopping. Ahhh, but then the stockers would be in there and I would feel like they were all looking at me. Anyhoo, I could go on for days about my life with SA, so I'll spare you the rest of my life story. 

I wish I could say that I'm cured and I've transformed in to a social butterfly. However, these days I still spend my off time in my house. If I'm not at work, I'm probably at home tending to my dogs and working on arts and crafts. 

It does tend to get lonely. And I go through phases of depression. When it hits, it hits hard. But, I think I've lived with it for so long that I know it eventually will slow down and allow me to breathe. Do you find that you don't take deep enough breaths? haha That actually might just be me. :b


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## jallajallaping

Hi, been reading the entire thread...

I've been unemployed for extended periods of time in my life, and preferred to stay home in my apartement for the most part. But I don't think I qualify as a true shut-in because I've always had the urge to go outside for walks, 
either in nature or in the city. But I've always felt dissociated from society even during the periods I've been working. With one exception where I had a job were I actually went along with the people I worked with. 
Unfortunately I and others were layed off due to economic downturn, and I spiraled into an extended period of unemployment again because I could never bring myself to apply for a job. This last job I had, I had help with getting.

Anyway, there have been times I've stayed indoors for like a week, but I've always been forced out because I had to buy groceries.

Back in 2005, after being unemployed for a long time, I eventually received a letter from the unemployment office calling me in for an interview. With the letter there was an empty list where I was supposed to fill out the jobs I had applied for (I had none). Also several print outs of job offers. I almost felt he knew I hadn't done anything. So rather than face that meeting, I just gave up the benefits and went without any economic support whatsoever. This went on for many months until I ran out of money and had to call my mother and tell it like it was. She was pretty shocked. So I moved out of my apartment and to my mother in a different part of the country. Lived with my mother and sister for about a year in her relative small apartment. This eventually took a toll on my fifteen year old younger sister because I slept in her room, and she didn't feel like she had a personal space anymore. My mother said I had to move to my dad. It was very difficult to ask my dad about it, because he lives with a woman that might not approve of it. They accepted, but things were a bit tense. This spurred the motivation to do something about it. I went on unemployment benefits again (going to the unemployment office felt worse than going to the dentist). I was offered a temp job fixing someone's house (I have no carpenting skills, but managed to do things with some instruction from the house owner). I started to look for a place to live on my own. When I found it, it felt so good to have my own place again, even though the one room apartment was really small. But it took some courage to call up the company and arrange the contract.

Last year I was hospitalized for six months and I eventually started becoming institutionalized. I got used to being in a safe, structured environment with predictable meals and nurses that I could call on day or night if there was anything I needed help with.

When it came close to being discharged from the hospital I had a really tough time dealing with it, it freaked me out.I talked to my psychologist at the hospital and she said I needed some exposure to the life outside the hospital. So we did some really simple things, like going to the nearby grocery store and buying a few things. And we also took a ride with the bus, because I was scared of taking the bus. Mostly because I had to use crutches at the time, and was scared of falling in the bus with people looking at me. But it didn't happen, and it never happened when I took the bus alone later. In fact, some people were nice and gave up their seat to me.

Not sure where I'm going with this, but that's some of my experiences. I'm on welfare at the moment. I used to feel guilty about having unemployment benefits, but the type of welfare I am on now is meant for people that for whatever reason isn't able to work at the moment. So I feel comfortable with that.


----------



## Reposada

I was so happy to see you still posting here, TCyan. I enjoy reading your posts very much and would also love to read your book, if you wrote one. They're basically free to write now, it's weird. My husband is a professor and just wrote a book - sent a pdf file to CreateSpace or something like that - they sent him a proof - and a week later his book was listed there and on Amazon and Barnes & Noble - and he gets $12 or so for every copy he sells. Of course it's for a class he's teaching and it's about Assembly Language = but anyway, I don't think they care what you write about - they don't even read it - they just put it in production for you and I don't think it costs anything at all, though he paid $40 so he would get a higher commission.

Well, that's a load of rubbish about nothing but if anybody here's interested in writing about their experiences with social anxiety/phobia or anything else, these days, there's no Doubleday editor to worry about or whatever used to give authors fits back in the old days.

This subject is endlessly fascinating to me, as I think many of the most creative people in the past have been recluses - which accounts for their ability to be creative in the first place - and there may be reasons associated with how their brains work or whatever. The work world really does suck. I think I had 19 jobs and only really sort of enjoyed one: handing out shoes at a bowling alley and tallying up their sheets at the end to figure out how much they owed (back when you had cash registers with real buttons and a drawer that popped out and nobody had credit cards.) Ah, good times. But as usual, I only lasted a year or less, even at that, and I liked it. I honestly don't know how people sell their lives for $. Unless you love what you're doing, what's the point of being alive if you're going to just give your life to some creepy boss doing stupid crap that's a waste of time and, well, life. I don't know how people carry on with it, really I don't.

Sorry your mother got on the job thing though, TCyan. I was hoping she'd just have adjusted finally and completely - and you'd be ok for decades to come, and so many people live to 100 and beyond, and you could just relax and live your life the way you want. Which is what rich people did for eons - working was even looked down on as a disgusting thing to have to do, lol. Ah, but leisure - that's a life worth living! And people used to recognize that - probably still do, those with trust accounts or inheritances and what not. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I betcha Emily Dickinson or J D Salinger never looked back on their lives and said, if only I could have gotten up early every day to go work at the store for 40 years - or if only I'd had 10 kids to look after, what a joy my life might have been.... :roll

Maybe tell your mother if she can find you an in-house online job, where you can do it all at home with no phone chatting or any of that crap involved, you'd certainly consider it, she'd have a 'mission' - wouldn't find anything (because there isn't anything like that, is there?) and she'd give up? It sounds like you hardly cost anything to support so what's her problem? Think of the people with housefuls of pets they spend a fortune on. And she gets a loving son to keep her and your dad company in their old age for the pittance it costs to feed you. Maybe she'll come around - I bet part of her doesn't even want you to leave - women just get neurotic about junk a lot - like, what if your life is ruined because you never have a career, wife and family - well, it WON'T be - many men with all those things have lives that ARE ruined BECAUSE of career & family. Women too. What a weird culture we're in - there AREN'T enough jobs for everyone because machines make things now, and the few that need people - well, there are people who work for a pittance and that's where the jobs are - India, Thailand, etc. The whole thing is a house of cards about to fall. Well, I'm rambling, but good luck to you, and to all of you who want to be shut-ins - I wish you luck in your endeavor. I've been on the other side and it sucks - the inside is the best, imo, if you can figure out how to stay in it (and maybe get out in the backyard to get a bit of vitamin D occasionally)


----------



## Juliette

TCyan - I read that you're content to watch TV, Anime and play PC games every day.

I'm curious to know if you ever feel like you're going stir crazy and doesn't every day feel like groundhog day to you?

This is not a criticism, as I say, I'm just curious.


----------



## TCyan

Monsoon said:


> This advice might come too soon for you right now though. But if/when you get to the point where you're comfortable, don't be afraid to go to the library or reach out in your community to explore any interests.
> 
> Do you have any sort of interests beyond video games and anime? I like video games too (not much anime, but hey I watched all that Americanized stuff like Dragon Ball Z like every boy did lol), but sometimes I'll find myself on, say, wikipedia just looking up sh-- I'm curious about.
> 
> Ever found yourself doing that? Do you like to read or write? I know this is just a forum but at least through this electronic medium, your posts are very clear and it doesn't seem like you have a problem expressing your thoughts.
> 
> If you find something your interested in, don't be afraid to look further into it. If your parents are willing to supply you with video games, I'm sure they won't mind spending some money on other stuff you're interested in.
> 
> I have SA but I'm in school learning about something I'm very interested in.


I have some interests, but I don't have any interest in doing those things as a living. I like video editing, I like computer stuff, but none of these things I want to do for a living.



Reposada said:


> I was so happy to see you still posting here, TCyan. I enjoy reading your posts very much and would also love to read your book, if you wrote one. They're basically free to write now, it's weird. My husband is a professor and just wrote a book - sent a pdf file to CreateSpace or something like that - they sent him a proof - and a week later his book was listed there and on Amazon and Barnes & Noble - and he gets $12 or so for every copy he sells. Of course it's for a class he's teaching and it's about Assembly Language = but anyway, I don't think they care what you write about - they don't even read it - they just put it in production for you and I don't think it costs anything at all, though he paid $40 so he would get a higher commission.
> 
> Well, that's a load of rubbish about nothing but if anybody here's interested in writing about their experiences with social anxiety/phobia or anything else, these days, there's no Doubleday editor to worry about or whatever used to give authors fits back in the old days.
> 
> This subject is endlessly fascinating to me, as I think many of the most creative people in the past have been recluses - which accounts for their ability to be creative in the first place - and there may be reasons associated with how their brains work or whatever. The work world really does suck. I think I had 19 jobs and only really sort of enjoyed one: handing out shoes at a bowling alley and tallying up their sheets at the end to figure out how much they owed (back when you had cash registers with real buttons and a drawer that popped out and nobody had credit cards.) Ah, good times. But as usual, I only lasted a year or less, even at that, and I liked it. I honestly don't know how people sell their lives for $. Unless you love what you're doing, what's the point of being alive if you're going to just give your life to some creepy boss doing stupid crap that's a waste of time and, well, life. I don't know how people carry on with it, really I don't.
> 
> Sorry your mother got on the job thing though, TCyan. I was hoping she'd just have adjusted finally and completely - and you'd be ok for decades to come, and so many people live to 100 and beyond, and you could just relax and live your life the way you want. Which is what rich people did for eons - working was even looked down on as a disgusting thing to have to do, lol. Ah, but leisure - that's a life worth living! And people used to recognize that - probably still do, those with trust accounts or inheritances and what not. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I betcha Emily Dickinson or J D Salinger never looked back on their lives and said, if only I could have gotten up early every day to go work at the store for 40 years - or if only I'd had 10 kids to look after, what a joy my life might have been.... :roll
> 
> Maybe tell your mother if she can find you an in-house online job, where you can do it all at home with no phone chatting or any of that crap involved, you'd certainly consider it, she'd have a 'mission' - wouldn't find anything (because there isn't anything like that, is there?) and she'd give up? It sounds like you hardly cost anything to support so what's her problem? Think of the people with housefuls of pets they spend a fortune on. And she gets a loving son to keep her and your dad company in their old age for the pittance it costs to feed you. Maybe she'll come around - I bet part of her doesn't even want you to leave - women just get neurotic about junk a lot - like, what if your life is ruined because you never have a career, wife and family - well, it WON'T be - many men with all those things have lives that ARE ruined BECAUSE of career & family. Women too. What a weird culture we're in - there AREN'T enough jobs for everyone because machines make things now, and the few that need people - well, there are people who work for a pittance and that's where the jobs are - India, Thailand, etc. The whole thing is a house of cards about to fall. Well, I'm rambling, but good luck to you, and to all of you who want to be shut-ins - I wish you luck in your endeavor. I've been on the other side and it sucks - the inside is the best, imo, if you can figure out how to stay in it (and maybe get out in the backyard to get a bit of vitamin D occasionally)


Thank you for that wonderful post.

I think one of the reasons why I don't care to do anything with my life is, I don't want to work for someone else. I want to be my own boss, and work whenever I want. I do have some interests in things, but I don't want to do those things for a living working for someone else. But I have no idea how to start my own company and I don't really care to.



Juliette said:


> TCyan - I read that you're content to watch TV, Anime and play PC games every day.
> 
> I'm curious to know if you ever feel like you're going stir crazy and doesn't every day feel like groundhog day to you?
> 
> This is not a criticism, as I say, I'm just curious.


I'm not going crazy. This feels completely normal to me. I imagine anyone else would go insane from it, but I'm totally content with this lifestyle. I never get bored of it.

No it doesn't feel like I'm just repeating days over and over again until the end of time. Each day has it's upsides and downsides. Some days I have nothing to watch on TV, other days I have tons of stuff to watch. Some days I feel extra tired, other days I have a lot of energy. Some days I'm bored with my video games, other days I'm happy playing my video games. It never gets old to me.


----------



## Juliette

Hi TCyan - When I said stir crazy, I didn't mean to infer that you were (are) crazy. You're obviously not. I meant in the sense of becoming totally fed up, restless and distressed.

The only reason I asked is because I live alone and due to SA I haven't worked since my thirties, so my days are spent at home watching TV, on the computer, reading books, etc.  

I find after a while, though, that I begin to get  _really_ fed up, depressed and restless looking at the same ole walls, day after day (stir crazy) so I have to get out simply for a change of scenery - even if it's just to wander around the shops for an hour or so.

You have replied and you say you don't get bored or restless - wow, that's amazing.

As others have said - you come across as very intelligent and your story is fascinating.


----------



## TCyan

Juliette said:


> Hi TCyan - When I said stir crazy, I didn't mean to infer that you were (are) crazy. You're obviously not. I meant in the sense of becoming totally fed up, restless and distressed.
> 
> The only reason I asked is because I live alone and due to SA I haven't worked since my thirties, so my days are spent at home watching TV, on the computer, reading books, etc.
> 
> 
> I find after a while, though, that I begin to get  _really_ fed up, depressed and restless looking at the same ole walls, day after day (stir crazy) so I have to get out simply for a change of scenery - even if it's just to wander around the shops for an hour or so.
> 
> You have replied and you say you don't get bored or restless - wow, that's amazing.


I think I used to go stir crazy back in the first few years. But I got used to it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I've been fine with it for 8+ years now. I never feel like I have to get out or anything like that. I'm totally content right where I am, inside this house. I don't even like going outside that much because there's so many insects around here and I just hate them.


----------



## CleverUsername

This is one of the best threads on this site.


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## Reposada

That's so interesting, Juliette, because my work experience was the exact OPPOSITE. I had to sit in one chair, behind a desk, all the blasted day long, answering the phone talking to people I didn't know about things I didn't care about - I had to take orders from jerks doing things like making 700 copies of some meeting agenda - then going to the post office to check their mail, make their coffee, it's was being a SLAVE.

At home, it's incredibly, incredibly delicious. I can read anything I want - go to the library and get a pile of books as heavy as I can carry for free - I can sing, I can dance, I can write, I can meditate, I can exercise, I can watch news or movies or other tv shows, I can walk or use the stationary bike, I can lie in the sunshine outback, I can grow a little garden, and any moment I decide I'm bored, I can go find ANYTHING I want to do. There must be literally a MILLION things I can do -- and at work, how many things can anybody do? Very few!

I think some people don't understand that some people are INTROVERTS and others are extroverts. Introverts draw strength and great joy from solitude. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world (in my case, I had an abusive childhood, and I never ever forget to be grateful that I'm safe and I'm free.) I suppose extroverts don't have the kind of inner resources that never ever run out, and so they get bored or restless or whatever.

I know that I lived to be 200 I would never have the time to do the things, in solitude, that I have in mind to do. I only regret that I don't have more time alone! And yeah, in my case, I'm not afraid of strangers, so I can also go the mall and wander around window shopping (though I seldom bother because it's boring) or go to church or the community choir I belong to - there's dozens of other clubs I could join but why bother because, like I said, I never run out of ideas. I don't even get it.

Work is like being in shackles, like being put in a cage in handcuffs, it's like giving your life to someone else - I often thought, if this is what I have to do for the next 4 friggin' decades, it's suicide time because there's nothing to lose anyway. There's always a bully, there's always people trying to hurt you or put you down - and if you're FREE, wow, that's the greatest joy I can possibly imagine in the whole world.


----------



## kunak

wow reposada that was an amazing post and very true. I also hope tcyan stays on this site because he is one of my favorite people on this site and his posts really hit home for me at least


----------



## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I think I used to go stir crazy back in the first few years. But I got used to it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I've been fine with it for 8+ years now. I never feel like I have to get out or anything like that. I'm totally content right where I am, inside this house. I don't even like going outside that much because there's so many insects around here and I just hate them.


 Sorry if this is offensive, but I think the point is not whether you're content or not. The point is whether you're living the right way. You say you used to "go stir crazy", then got "used to" it. Prisoners do the same thing. At first they can't stand living cooped up inside a tiny, suffocating rectangular cell, but they gradually get used to it, then they come to fear being released becaused they don't know how to live in the outside world. Does that mean they ought to stay in their cell all their life?

But if you really think this is the life you truly cherish, I guess it's all right. I, for one, have never felt lonely or bored because I'm a born loner. I'm not planning to become a hermit, but I love to be alone nonetheless, and I believe solitary life is perfectly valid and desirable for some people.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> Sorry if this is offensive, but I think the point is not whether you're content or not. The point is whether you're living the right way. You say you used to "go stir crazy", then got "used to" it. Prisoners do the same thing. At first they can't stand living cooped up inside a tiny, suffocating rectangular cell, but they gradually get used to it, then they come to fear being released becaused they don't know how to live in the outside world. Does that mean they ought to stay in their cell all their life?
> 
> But if you really think this is the life you truly cherish, I guess it's all right. I, for one, have never felt lonely or bored because I'm a born loner. I'm not planning to become a hermit, but I love to be alone nonetheless, and I believe solitary life is perfectly valid and desirable for some people.


I wouldn't put it that way. I wasn't going crazy in that sense. I pretty much enjoyed being a shut in right off the bat. I just got lonely/bored/depressed every now and then back in those first few years. But I guess you are right, I probably got used to it like a prisoner gets used to living in jail over time. I don't regret what I've done over the last 12 years though, and I hope I can continue to live this way another 12+.


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## fonz

It's a pity you couldn't take advantage of this situation. If you'd applied for some sort of disabilities benefit,I reckon you could have built up savings of $100000+ in 12 years which would get you through a few years after your parents without having to work...


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## Juliette

Hi again, TCyan - You said in an earlier post that your parents are kind and supportive and I think that's great, but are they able to support you financially?

I know you said in an earlier post that you don't like talking about finances and benefits as it's 'grown-up' stuff that you don't want to think about, but if your parents don't earn very much (or are on benefits themselves) then I think it is something you should think about in fairness to them.

Your parents may be struggling financially to support you but may be too afraid to let you know in case it upsets or worries you.

If they are well-off, well, no problem, but if they are struggling financially, then I believe you would definitely qualify for some sort of disability benefit/allowance (I don't know what it's called in the US - I'm in Britain) because of your SA and panic attacks, thereby giving you some money to help out with bills.

I know it's hard for you to speak to anyone about this (if I recall you said you don't like using the phone or going out in case of having a panic attack) but maybe your Mum or Dad could speak on your behalf to someone in the Disabilities/Benefits department.

Surely a Disability advisor would come to your house to speak with you if you're unable to go there? After all, there will be others who suffer like you and are claiming benefits to which they are entitled. You also have proof of your condition as (again, if I recall) you saw a Psychiatrist when you were younger and you were diagnosed with SA and panic attacks - so it's on your medical record.

EDIT: Oops, I've just gone back and read your post (post number 320 on 17th August) regarding SSDI.

Nevertheless, I still think you _may _be able to claim if they know your story - you will never know unless you try...


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## Juliette

Reposada said:


> That's so interesting, Juliette, because my work experience was the exact OPPOSITE. I had to sit in one chair, behind a desk, all the blasted day long, answering the phone talking to people I didn't know about things I didn't care about - I had to take orders from jerks doing things like making 700 copies of some meeting agenda - then going to the post office to check their mail, make their coffee, it's was being a SLAVE.
> 
> At home, it's incredibly, incredibly delicious. I can read anything I want - go to the library and get a pile of books as heavy as I can carry for free - I can sing, I can dance, I can write, I can meditate, I can exercise, I can watch news or movies or other tv shows, I can walk or use the stationary bike, I can lie in the sunshine outback, I can grow a little garden, and any moment I decide I'm bored, I can go find ANYTHING I want to do. There must be literally a MILLION things I can do -- and at work, how many things can anybody do? Very few!
> 
> I think some people don't understand that some people are INTROVERTS and others are extroverts. Introverts draw strength and great joy from solitude. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world (in my case, I had an abusive childhood, and I never ever forget to be grateful that I'm safe and I'm free.) I suppose extroverts don't have the kind of inner resources that never ever run out, and so they get bored or restless or whatever.
> 
> I know that I lived to be 200 I would never have the time to do the things, in solitude, that I have in mind to do. I only regret that I don't have more time alone! And yeah, in my case, I'm not afraid of strangers, so I can also go the mall and wander around window shopping (though I seldom bother because it's boring) or go to church or the community choir I belong to - there's dozens of other clubs I could join but why bother because, like I said, I never run out of ideas. I don't even get it.
> 
> Work is like being in shackles, like being put in a cage in handcuffs, it's like giving your life to someone else - I often thought, if this is what I have to do for the next 4 friggin' decades, it's suicide time because there's nothing to lose anyway. There's always a bully, there's always people trying to hurt you or put you down - and if you're FREE, wow, that's the greatest joy I can possibly imagine in the whole world.


I do agree with a lot of what you say, Reposada. I would imagine there are not many people who actually enjoy their jobs and like going to work - they just do so to survive and pay bills.

I used to work in an office shuffling papers around a desk and couldn't wait until 5.30 to get home. But now I'm home most of the time, I go stir crazy after a while and have to get out - I guess I just can't win.

Maybe my situation is a little different from yours and TCyan's, though, as - if I remember rightly - you live with your husband and TCyan lives with his parents and brother, so you both have people to talk to if you wish.

I'm divorced and live alone (I do have an adult child who lives and works in a nearby town) but it means I don't have anyone in my house to talk to if I want to. Maybe that's why I feel the need to get out and about because the house just becomes claustrophobic after a while (even though it's not a small house).

Having said that, I do prefer to be on my own for much of the time.


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## TCyan

fonz said:


> It's a pity you couldn't take advantage of this situation. If you'd applied for some sort of disabilities benefit,I reckon you could have built up savings of $100000+ in 12 years which would get you through a few years after your parents without having to work...


Doubt it. I've read stories all over the net about people with agoraphobia getting SSDI, they only get a few months or a years worth, and then get cut off from it and people have to reapply and mostly get rejected.

I somehow think that it's because they expect you to get better while receiving SSDI so you can support yourself and get a job. They really don't want to give you free money for the rest of your life unless you have a physical disability that keeps you from working. Something like agoraphobia, they don't understand.



Juliette said:


> Hi again, TCyan - You said in an earlier post that your parents are kind and supportive and I think that's great, but are they able to support you financially?
> 
> I know you said in an earlier post that you don't like talking about finances and benefits as it's 'grown-up' stuff that you don't want to think about, but if your parents don't earn very much (or are on benefits themselves) then I think it is something you should think about in fairness to them.
> 
> Your parents may be struggling financially to support you but may be too afraid to let you know in case it upsets or worries you.
> 
> If they are well-off, well, no problem, but if they are struggling financially, then I believe you would definitely qualify for some sort of disability benefit/allowance (I don't know what it's called in the US - I'm in Britain) because of your SA and panic attacks, thereby giving you some money to help out with bills.
> 
> I know it's hard for you to speak to anyone about this (if I recall you said you don't like using the phone or going out in case of having a panic attack) but maybe your Mum or Dad could speak on your behalf to someone in the Disabilities/Benefits department.
> 
> Surely a Disability advisor would come to your house to speak with you if you're unable to go there? After all, there will be others who suffer like you and are claiming benefits to which they are entitled. You also have proof of your condition as (again, if I recall) you saw a Psychiatrist when you were younger and you were diagnosed with SA and panic attacks - so it's on your medical record.
> 
> EDIT: Oops, I've just gone back and read your post (post number 320 on 17th August) regarding SSDI.
> 
> Nevertheless, I still think you _may _be able to claim if they know your story - you will never know unless you try...


We're okay financially. They are extremely worried about my future when they are gone, but other than that, we are okay as of this moment. I couldn't care less about my future.


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## Reposada

I understand what you're saying, Juliette - maybe you could join some clubs - book clubs or, well, Toastmasters, or something, lol. There are many groups these days - and there are charities you can volunteer for and be around people.

I just think that even if I were alone, I wouldn't go stir crazy because if I did, I'd just join more stuff. But there ARE people, and I think I one of them, who would never go stir crazy because of being alone. Some people are extreme introverts - and I think I'm one of them. I'm not afraid of joining a book club - I'd just much more enjoy doing more stuff on my own.

That said, I do have a husband and kids - heck, if I didn't, I'd have to shackle myself to some desk being unlocked only to make coffee for roomfuls of my 'betters' and making those 700 copies -- well, you know. I just couldn't take that. I'd rather be homeless.

BTW, there are homeless people who don't interact with others - not that I'm saying it's a reasonable option - but I'd sure consider it (having no shame, I guess.) San Francisco is pretty kind to the homeless, and there are other places. Some communities are even trying to reach out to them, with soup kitchens and places for them to get out of the cold. I know it's a pretty wild and crazy idea, but it's certainly been done - by many. 

In fact, I believe I read somewhere that the noblest thing of all for an elderly person in India to do was to become a beggar. I forget the logic - maybe it's related to Buddhism or giving up all things to become a wandering ascetic? Anyhow, it's pretty 'out there' I realize, and if being around people was NOT an option you could survive, then it isn't worth mentioning, but I can imagine being a 'bag lady' lol. Like I said, one of my fantasies when shackled to that dreaded desk was trying my luck in lying in a gutter, it was THAT bad. At least you could get up and walk about if you wanted to - as a secretary, I could go to the bathroom (if I didn't take too long) and that was about the extent of my freedom :mum


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## Reposada

Is it possible that if they left you their house, you could sell it and find some very tiny cabin with enough land to have a little garden and maybe eke out an existence growing beans or raising chickens? Another wild idea - OR if you had enough money left over from selling the house, figure out how to get a lot of dried beans or perhaps your brother would be willing to give you a small amount of food to survive on? 

This was back when I was working and years ago, but I figured out that with $8 a week,I could eat very well -- and probably survive on $20 a month, if I had to. Dried milk (preferably dried whole milk or baby formula, so you'd get some fat in your diet), dried or canned beans or peas, and rice. I think you could be quite healthy or a diet like that, with just those 3 things, or something similar, more suited to your Celiac disease. And do without electricity or phone or any of that junk. People did so for millenia - it is possible - though it would be quite an adventurous challenge. But if you could find a deserted cabin, maybe you could manage to survive somehow? Especially if you had a goat that gave milk and survived on the grassland or something like that? 

Oh I know - a guy named John Seymour who was an early advocate of 100% self sufficiency. Maybe your mom could check out his book at the library - he has explicit instructions for everything to be completely self-supporting. Even if you didn't get much from the house, perhaps you could just buy a bit of land in the country, have a tent, like nomads do in the Middle East - surely that wouldn't cost much. And some blankets? And a lot of effort in either raising food or raising grazing animals and slaughtering them (he raised rabbits and gave explicit instructions on how to deal with all the details of feeding and killing them to eat -- or chickens)?? I know it's a crazy idea but suicide is too. IF you get that house, you've got an asset that you could exchange for a much much simpler set-up, on some land, and then you just have to figure out how to get enough food and you're set?

Anyway, this shows the extreme thinking I went through when I had to work, lol. But in my case, I was willing to work enough to get that $8 per week, and didn't mind being around people for those few hours, at a 7-11 or something, and rent a single room somewhere near to a job like that - so my case was easier to solve than yours, if you can't stand being around strangers at all. Them I have no problem with - I just don't want to give up most of every day the rest of my life. I don't care if I have anything or not.

p.s. another idea I had: maybe you could clean up your brother's house or do some yardwork for him and he would pay you enough to buy food - and then, doing without all the mod-cons, you'd have enough to survive, esp. if you could downsize your parent's house to something tiny?? Oh well, keep thinking - there could be options for survival without having to deal with other people (after your parents pass on.)


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## Reposada

John Seymour:

In 1963 the family moved to a farm near Newport in Pembrokeshire. The 1970s saw Seymour's publication rate reach a maximum, In 1976 _The Complete Book of Self-Sufficiency_ was published, a guide for real and dreaming downshifters...

His farm in Wales welcomed visitors seeking guidance on the smallholders life, a project which expanded to the School for Self-Sufficiency when he moved to County Wexford in Ireland during the 1980s. Here in 1999 he was taken to court for damaging a crop of GM sugar beet.... John Seymour spoke and wrote with a memorable turn of phrase, with humour and, not shrinking from technical detail, a chemical formula where it made an explanation clearer. Television provided a means of leaving more memories: like that of him quoting George Borrow as he tramped across a wet Welsh upland under a battered umbrella. 
_John was as much at home in the humblest house on a hillside, as in the manor house of landed gentry. He was like a force of nature, always willing to listen, always interested in learning about new - or very old - ways of working the land. He was a one-man rebellion against modernism ..._ Herbert Girardet, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Seymour_(author)#cite_note-0More brainstorming: I realize one would have to deal with SOMEONE in order to sell one house and get some land or a cabin but maybe your brother would be willing to do that for you - it wouldn't take long - and you could give him a share of the money you made in return for him dealing with the real estate agents?


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## RichardLS

*the future*

what are you going to do when your parents pass away? commit _____?


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## TCyan

RichardLS said:


> what are you going to do when your parents pass away? commit _____?


I know saying and doing are two different things, but yeah that is my general plan. I just don't like the idea of living to be an old man. There's nothing in life that I would regret missing if I died today.


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## flower2blossom

TCyan, 
I read your thread over the weekend and sincerely want to thank you for sharing your story. You are very honest and respond to replies, even criticism, with grace. You are obviously very intelligent. Your story gave me insight into my problem. I have been mentally shut in, I guess. 

I've found I have many similarities with you although I'm female and much older than you (46). In addition to social anxiety and panic attacks, I have fear of driving, am prone to motion sickness, and really scared of failure. You also mentioned that you didn't want to work for someone and preferred being your own boss That's exactly what I wanted and started my own business last year. 

It (starting business) might sounds good but I lately got depressed and didn't want to do anything. And I've realized that I have actually given up on my life a long time ago when I was a teenager. I developed a severe form of anxiety when I was 13 and continued to live but didn't really want to deal with realty. I graduated from school, moved to the US, and got jobs, married, etc. , but I was always hiding in a bubble and dissociated from reality. As I read your thread, I've become aware that I really have to deal with reality to go to the next level. Yes, I'll probably be able to work at a certain level and keep some sort of friendship etc., but I was feeling tired and miserable. I was so scared of opening up myself to others because I didn't want to get hurt... I didn't want to do my best for my work because I might fail and be disappointed with myself.. So my efforts have always been half done and I was frustrated with the results. 

I've finally realized that "I" will have to live my life.. Not anyone else. I'll have to face problems, make mistakes, and get up again.. No one can live life for myself. It may be tough but rewarding at the same time. I've already been feeling miserable and frustrated so why don't I give myself a try? 

TCyan, you are young and can't probably imagine that you'll be an old man someday. I didn't know that either, until half of my hair turned gray and I started having a knee pain when I jogged. I really want you to get out of the comfort zone a little by little and enjoy outside one day. I know it's scary.. It's still scary for me, too, but I've decided to face the reality. My time is limited. I want to succeed in my business and enjoy my life more.

It's a shame and waste for the world that a person like you, intelligent and insightful, will hide from the world without sharing your talents (well, you are doing so in this forum, though). But it's your life, too, I understand. If you decide to stay in your house for the rest of your life, please take care of your finance, though. I'm from Japan and hear tragic stories about hikikomori people after their parents die. Please take care and keep sharing :yes


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## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I know saying and doing are two different things, but yeah that is my general plan. I just don't like the idea of living to be an old man. There's nothing in life that I would regret missing if I died today.


The very fact that you regard suicide with such indifference clearly demonstrates that your present lifestyle is seriously amiss, unless you espouse Schopenhauerism and believe suicide is true salvation. At first I thought you really liked your life... Now I think you're a miserable pariah who is incapable of even hating oneself and wallows in lethargy and self-deception. You've thoroughly deceived yourself into confusing comfort with happiness. You're being shamefully childish and should be embarrassed of yourself.

I'm sure you experienced suffering and injustice, but that doesn't mean you should let your life degenerate to a point you can throw it away at any moment. You might think you're hiding from the brutal outside world and its cruel denizens to find joy from small things like games like Maple Story, but you're in fact simply vegetating without purpose because you're too afraid of growing up, and it seems more than a decade of isolation has pretty much stunted your mental growth. Seriously, don't you feel sorry for your parents? For yourself?

If you suicide or die with such mentality, I wouldn't consider your life as tragic. It's outrageous. And even comical. Even when I was teetering on the verge of suicide I had lots of things I didn't want to let go... It's just sick to see a human being saying "There's nothing in life that I would regret missing if I died today". I'm not saying you should try to be an outgoing, social person at age 30. I'm saying that your life deserves more respect than this. I'm saying that your life can be more than a hollow husk.

Don't you want to do something? Something more than trendy video games? Something more than scribbling down dismal posts on SAS? Something more than suiciding just because your parents pass away? Being a recluse is one thing, letting oneself sink into existence devoid of meaning is another. There are lots of hermits who truly love their life, and you can be one of them if even a tiny jot of self-esteem remains inside you. Apparently, it's too late to change your mind, I'm afraid, but are you sure you want to live this way? Are you sure you don't care whether you die or not? Even to a depressed outcast like me you appear pretty despicable. And you should check my signature. It perfectly describes your state.


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## CleverUsername

I feel like this thread should be a sticky in the forum.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> The very fact that you regard suicide with such indifference clearly demonstrates that your present lifestyle is seriously amiss, unless you espouse Schopenhauerism and believe suicide is true salvation. At first I thought you really liked your life... Now I think you're a miserable pariah who is incapable of even hating oneself and wallows in lethargy and self-deception. You've thoroughly deceived yourself into confusing comfort with happiness. You're being shamefully childish and should be embarrassed of yourself.
> 
> I'm sure you experienced suffering and injustice, but that doesn't mean you should let your life degenerate to a point you can throw it away at any moment. You might think you're hiding from the brutal outside world and its cruel denizens to find joy from small things like games like Maple Story, but you're in fact simply vegetating without purpose because you're too afraid of growing up, and it seems more than a decade of isolation has pretty much stunted your mental growth. Seriously, don't you feel sorry for your parents? For yourself?
> 
> If you suicide or die with such mentality, I wouldn't consider your life as tragic. It's outrageous. And even comical. Even when I was teetering on the verge of suicide I had lots of things I didn't want to let go... It's just sick to see a human being saying "There's nothing in life that I would regret missing if I died today". I'm not saying you should try to be an outgoing, social person at age 30. I'm saying that your life deserves more respect than this. I'm saying that your life can be more than a hollow husk.
> 
> Don't you want to do something? Something more than trendy video games? Something more than scribbling down dismal posts on SAS? Something more than suiciding just because your parents pass away? Being a recluse is one thing, letting oneself sink into existence devoid of meaning is another. There are lots of hermits who truly love their life, and you can be one of them if even a tiny jot of self-esteem remains inside you. Apparently, it's too late to change your mind, I'm afraid, but are you sure you want to live this way? Are you sure you don't care whether you die or not? Even to a depressed outcast like me you appear pretty despicable. And you should check my signature. It perfectly describes your state.


I am happy with my life, but I do know that this is wrong. So that's why I'm all stating that there's nothing wrong with me living this way because I enjoy it, but also saying if I died, I wouldn't regret anything, because I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I feel like I cannot contribute to humanity at all. There's no reason for anyone or anything to even want me or need me.

It's like when someone that is 100 years old finishes their bucket list and has absolutely nothing left to do in this world, and can die happy. I feel like I'm already there. I don't have anything else to do. I can just die.

Yeah, I guess in a way I see suicide as a salvation. I just don't want to _potentially_ feel pain and suffering after my parents are gone, and would rather just die. Look, if I could sit in my room doing nothing and was just being given free money for the rest of my life, then I would live my life out no problem. It's the idea of having to get a job, go outside, be around people, that causes me to think I'd rather just die than bother doing that stuff.



CleverUsername said:


> I feel like this thread should be a sticky in the forum.


Even better, If I could make money just talking about my life on a forum, I'd be good.


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## lazy

Prepare yourself for a career in the video gaming industry...


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## Djdemic

I'm scared to end up like this. I'm 16 and I can see my self like this if i keep keeping myself locked inside. At the moment I think my SA is starting to fade slowly


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## fonz

TCyan said:


> I just don't want to _potentially_ feel pain and suffering after my parents are gone, and would rather just die. Look, if I could sit in my room doing nothing and was just being given free money for the rest of my life, then I would live my life out no problem. It's the idea of having to get a job, go outside, be around people, that causes me to think I'd rather just die than bother doing that stuff.


How would you feel about living with other people away from your parents - other SA people? Given your situation,you might be able to find people on this site who live nearby who would be happy to let you move in with them. When the time comes,you should definitely try out a few options rather than just pulling the pin...


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## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I am happy with my life, but I do know that this is wrong. So that's why I'm all stating that there's nothing wrong with me living this way because I enjoy it, but also saying if I died, I wouldn't regret anything, because I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I feel like I cannot contribute to humanity at all. There's no reason for anyone or anything to even want me or need me.
> 
> It's like when someone that is 100 years old finishes their bucket list and has absolutely nothing left to do in this world, and can die happy. I feel like I'm already there. I don't have anything else to do. I can just die.
> 
> Yeah, I guess in a way I see suicide as a salvation. I just don't want to _potentially_ feel pain and suffering after my parents are gone, and would rather just die. Look, if I could sit in my room doing nothing and was just being given free money for the rest of my life, then I would live my life out no problem. It's the idea of having to get a job, go outside, be around people, that causes me to think I'd rather just die than bother doing that stuff.


 You're being unreasonable. You're just 30. Some members on this forum are over 60 years old and trying to change. You have no right to say you can just die because there's nothing to do. No one has the right to say that kind of thing, for that matter. Remember that you're languishing in the mental prison made by your distorted mentality. It's so hard to get out because you're both the jailer and the prisoner. But at the same time, if you decide to go out, you can shatter it at any moment.

Who knows? Perhaps when your parents actually pass away you'll realize you in fact want to live badly. People often do that when faced with death itself. I experienced the same thing ; it was when I was looking down at the distant ground from the rooftop of my apartment that I realized I didn't want to die at all. You're a lot older than me but it seems you have no idea what death really is. To you, death is but a word you can throw to shock people. Let me tell you it is not so simple. I wasn't afraid of getting crushed to smithereens ; that kind of pain was no big deal compared to what I was going through at that period. It was the glimpse of absolute nothingness that freaked me out. So I'm still alive. I'm not that happy, to be sure, but I'm still alive and I'm glad I am.


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## notMiceElf

This summer I've had nothing to do for days so I found myself inside for a week, I thought I was bad. I hope that you can over come this even though you don't really see it as a problem - it actually is and I'm not trying to judge you but it's just common sense.


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## TiredandWeary

ndh505 said:


> You're being unreasonable. You're just 30. Some members on this forum are over 60 years old and trying to change. You have no right to say you can just die because there's nothing to do. No one has the right to say that kind of thing, for that matter. Remember that you're languishing in the mental prison made by your distorted mentality. It's so hard to get out because you're both the jailer and the prisoner. But at the same time, if you decide to go out, you can shatter it at any moment.
> 
> Who knows? Perhaps when your parents actually pass away you'll realize you in fact want to live badly. People often do that when faced with death itself. I experienced the same thing ; it was when I was looking down at the distant ground from the rooftop of my apartment that I realized I didn't want to die at all. You're a lot older than me but it seems you have no idea what death really is. To you, death is but a word you can throw to shock people. Let me tell you it is not so simple. I wasn't afraid of getting crushed to smithereens ; that kind of pain was no big deal compared to what I was going through at that period. It was the glimpse of absolute nothingness that freaked me out. So I'm still alive. I'm not that happy, to be sure, but I'm still alive and I'm glad I am.


:agreeWell said that man.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> You're being unreasonable. You're just 30. Some members on this forum are over 60 years old and trying to change. You have no right to say you can just die because there's nothing to do. No one has the right to say that kind of thing, for that matter. Remember that you're languishing in the mental prison made by your distorted mentality. It's so hard to get out because you're both the jailer and the prisoner. But at the same time, if you decide to go out, you can shatter it at any moment.
> 
> Who knows? Perhaps when your parents actually pass away you'll realize you in fact want to live badly. People often do that when faced with death itself. I experienced the same thing ; it was when I was looking down at the distant ground from the rooftop of my apartment that I realized I didn't want to die at all. You're a lot older than me but it seems you have no idea what death really is. To you, death is but a word you can throw to shock people. Let me tell you it is not so simple. I wasn't afraid of getting crushed to smithereens ; that kind of pain was no big deal compared to what I was going through at that period. It was the glimpse of absolute nothingness that freaked me out. So I'm still alive. I'm not that happy, to be sure, but I'm still alive and I'm glad I am.


You are right, I don't know what it's like to be right there at the edge, ready for death. And I'm not just throwing the word around that I'm going to end my life as to get attention or anything either. When the time comes, I'm not going to post goodbye messages all over the internet or anything for attention, I'm not going to do any of that. I'll just be gone and nobody online will ever know. You probably didn't mean it in that sense, but I felt like I had to say it. I just don't care about my life. I've sat here for 12 years thinking about it, so I've had plenty of time to put a lot of thought into it. It's just a life to me, it's not a precious thing, it's not something I should cherish. I just see it as a curse. I am one of those people that think humans are a virus to the planet and the earth is slowly dying because of us. One day this planet is just going to end and life will just seize to exist. Just my opinion of course.

I just don't see a point in doing anything constructive in life. I just want to sit here in my room until I die, either by my own hands or of some freak illness or something. Honestly, if there was a way to erase this planet from existence and everyone on it, I would do it. See, now I'm starting to sound potentially like a mass murderer. I know I'm crazy. But, as long as nobody forces me outside, I'm 100% content and there's no worries. If anyone ever forces me outside... I'm either going to end my life, or do something even more unspeakable. And I'd rather do the former.

I'm not afraid of being tossed into a padded room in a mental hospital either, if it means being in isolation for 99% of the time, then sign me up for it. I don't care how bored I'd get, I want to screw my mind up to the point where I just go numb and quit thinking. I'd want to turn into a vegetable.

This entire post shows how much I hate being around people. The panic attacks are that bad to me. The grim reaper is welcome to take me whenever he wants.

P.S. And I only think about all of this when posting on this forum. 99.99% of my days, I'm happy, playing video games, watching tv, passing the days away one at a time, not thinking about negative stuff at all. I'm just fine when I'm not thinking about anything.


----------



## CleverUsername

lazy said:


> Prepare yourself for a career in the video gaming industry...


Nice chinaman picture, I've seen many of his prank calls on youtube.


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## kunak

ndh505 said:


> You're being unreasonable. You're just 30. Some members on this forum are over 60 years old and trying to change. You have no right to say you can just die because there's nothing to do. No one has the right to say that kind of thing, for that matter. Remember that you're languishing in the mental prison made by your distorted mentality. It's so hard to get out because you're both the jailer and the prisoner. But at the same time, if you decide to go out, you can shatter it at any moment.
> 
> Who knows? Perhaps when your parents actually pass away you'll realize you in fact want to live badly. People often do that when faced with death itself. I experienced the same thing ; it was when I was looking down at the distant ground from the rooftop of my apartment that I realized I didn't want to die at all. You're a lot older than me but it seems you have no idea what death really is. To you, death is but a word you can throw to shock people. Let me tell you it is not so simple. I wasn't afraid of getting crushed to smithereens ; that kind of pain was no big deal compared to what I was going through at that period. It was the glimpse of absolute nothingness that freaked me out. So I'm still alive. I'm not that happy, to be sure, but I'm still alive and I'm glad I am.


Did you ever stop to think that some people are just extreme introverts by nature? I understand your probably an extrovert with some SA thus you cant understand how someone could stay inside for so long. What you are saying is that he should just get out and "enjoy life". Mabye he really enjoys the introverted lifestyle. Pretend for a moment that 90% of the world were introverts and the rest were extroverts. Socializing and going out so much would be looked down upon and staying in more would be the better, more enjoyable lifestyle for people. When you say that he would be sad at the end of his life for not living what do you mean by living? Getting up every morning and going to work or going out to the bar with friends? Maybe even something like getting married and having a family? Many people, extroverts included don't like the idea of having a family or getting married and staying single is what they choose to do.


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## ndh505

kunak said:


> Did you ever stop to think that some people are just extreme introverts by nature? I understand your probably an extrovert with some SA thus you cant understand how someone could stay inside for so long. What you are saying is that he should just get out and "enjoy life". Mabye he really enjoys the introverted lifestyle. Pretend for a moment that 90% of the world were introverts and the rest were extroverts. Socializing and going out so much would be looked down upon and staying in more would be the better, more enjoyable lifestyle for people. When you say that he would be sad at the end of his life for not living what do you mean by living? Getting up every morning and going to work or going out to the bar with friends? Maybe even something like getting married and having a family? Many people, extroverts included don't like the idea of having a family or getting married and staying single is what they choose to do.


 You have seriously misunderstood the entire thread. This isn't about staying a loner. This is about life and death. I'm a die-hard introvert myself, and I'm not planning to have a family. I'm saying that living as a shut for more than a decade doing nothing save for playing video games like some human vegetable wishing humanity itself perished, then killing himself when parents pass away because he doesn't want to work and can't stand humans, is plain wrong, because it's simply trampling on the values of his own life and relinquishing the right as human being. Do you really believe this is the right way to live? Do you really belive he is right in saying he isn't afraid of killing himself because he has nothing to do at age 30? He himself admits he is not really happy but is staying this way because he doesn't want to change, and I'm reminding him he still has a lot of hope and can change if he wants to.


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## James_Russell

Wow this was a really grim read.

I can't work out the purpose of this thread. Did you want validation that you're right to have given up? Or just want to bring down everybody with you?

I'm really sorry your life has turned out like this and that you feel you've nothing left to give. But I wish you hadn't posted this. And really wish that I hadn't clicked on it


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## TCyan

I'm not really wishing humanity to perish, I just feel like there's no point in doing anything because the world is eventually going to end someday anyway... 5 years, 10 years, 100 years from now, maybe even next year, who knows? Life is nothing to me, the universe is so huge, you cannot even physically imagine how big it is. I just think there's no reason to put effort into anything. I want to just sit back and live a comfortable life with absolutely no responsibilities or stress. I don't want to have to live like a slave to the government and work for a living paying taxes for the rest of my life.

Life is pathetic and cruel. You all can do what you want, I don't care, just let me live the way I want.


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## kunak

ndh505 said:


> You have seriously misunderstood the entire thread. This isn't about staying a loner. This is about life and death. I'm a die-hard introvert myself, and I'm not planning to have a family. I'm saying that living as a shut for more than a decade doing nothing save for playing video games like some human vegetable wishing humanity itself perished, then killing himself when parents pass away because he doesn't want to work and can't stand humans, is plain wrong, because it's simply trampling on the values of his own life and relinquishing the right as human being. Do you really believe this is the right way to live? Do you really belive he is right in saying he isn't afraid of killing himself because he has nothing to do at age 30? He himself admits he is not really happy but is staying this way because he doesn't want to change, and I'm reminding him he still has a lot of hope and can change if he wants to.


what exactly are you saying he should change into? An extrovert?


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## kunak

TCyan said:


> I'm not really wishing humanity to perish, I just feel like there's no point in doing anything because the world is eventually going to end someday anyway... 5 years, 10 years, 100 years from now, maybe even next year, who knows? Life is nothing to me, the universe is so huge, you cannot even physically imagine how big it is. I just think there's no reason to put effort into anything. I want to just sit back and live a comfortable life with absolutely no responsibilities or stress. I don't want to have to live like a slave to the government and work for a living paying taxes for the rest of my life.
> 
> Life is pathetic and cruel. You all can do what you want, I don't care, just let me live the way I want.


Great post man I agree. I enjoy watching videos about how huge the universe is on youtube. It really puts things into perspective. Yes I agree that we should try to live as happy as we can for however long our lives last but in the end it is only a picosecond in the scale of the universe and it doesn't really effect anything. You should try out amateur astronomy its pretty cool. You can even just use Google sky if you want lol


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## greenwood

Beleive it or not, I know what yur going thru and your feelings bout things because I've had them myself. At the present time, I suggest you just need to chill out, get your mind occupied on something other than youself and your problems. Get yourself a pet like a cute little puppy. I have a litle chihuahua, myself, and I would not want to leave her for anything. There's always people around who are worse off than you are. Find some of these people and make a lifelong friend....Hang in there, things will work out.


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## greenwood

Just another little note: There's people who don't have a nice place to live and don't have a computer like you do. Also people who are sick and struggle every day. Just chill out and quit feeling sorry for yourself.


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## TCyan

greenwood said:


> Just another little note: There's people who don't have a nice place to live and don't have a computer like you do. Also people who are sick and struggle every day. Just chill out and quit feeling sorry for yourself.


Exactly, there's other people out there that need help, I don't need any help. I'm fine. As I've been saying throughout this entire topic, I just wanted to speak my mind on this forum, and listen to what some of you had to say. I'm not going to actually do anything anyone suggests though, cause I'm completely comfortable right where I am. I'm not feeling sorry for myself either.

Plus, a lot of others have posted in here, or maybe just read this topic, and maybe have found some answers for their own problems. I think this topic has helped at least one person out there.


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## kunak

TCyan said:


> Exactly, there's other people out there that need help, I don't need any help. I'm fine. As I've been saying throughout this entire topic, I just wanted to speak my mind on this forum, and listen to what some of you had to say. I'm not going to actually do anything anyone suggests though, cause I'm completely comfortable right where I am. I'm not feeling sorry for myself either.
> 
> Plus, a lot of others have posted in here, or maybe just read this topic, and maybe have found some answers for their own problems. I think this topic has helped at least one person out there.


I think you might have to put in big letters right at the top of your first post exactly what you said there so people will get the message


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## TCyan

flower2blossom said:


> TCyan,
> I read your thread over the weekend and sincerely want to thank you for sharing your story. You are very honest and respond to replies, even criticism, with grace. You are obviously very intelligent. Your story gave me insight into my problem. I have been mentally shut in, I guess.
> 
> I've found I have many similarities with you although I'm female and much older than you (46). In addition to social anxiety and panic attacks, I have fear of driving, am prone to motion sickness, and really scared of failure. You also mentioned that you didn't want to work for someone and preferred being your own boss That's exactly what I wanted and started my own business last year.
> 
> It (starting business) might sounds good but I lately got depressed and didn't want to do anything. And I've realized that I have actually given up on my life a long time ago when I was a teenager. I developed a severe form of anxiety when I was 13 and continued to live but didn't really want to deal with realty. I graduated from school, moved to the US, and got jobs, married, etc. , but I was always hiding in a bubble and dissociated from reality. As I read your thread, I've become aware that I really have to deal with reality to go to the next level. Yes, I'll probably be able to work at a certain level and keep some sort of friendship etc., but I was feeling tired and miserable. I was so scared of opening up myself to others because I didn't want to get hurt... I didn't want to do my best for my work because I might fail and be disappointed with myself.. So my efforts have always been half done and I was frustrated with the results.
> 
> I've finally realized that "I" will have to live my life.. Not anyone else. I'll have to face problems, make mistakes, and get up again.. No one can live life for myself. It may be tough but rewarding at the same time. I've already been feeling miserable and frustrated so why don't I give myself a try?
> 
> TCyan, you are young and can't probably imagine that you'll be an old man someday. I didn't know that either, until half of my hair turned gray and I started having a knee pain when I jogged. I really want you to get out of the comfort zone a little by little and enjoy outside one day. I know it's scary.. It's still scary for me, too, but I've decided to face the reality. My time is limited. I want to succeed in my business and enjoy my life more.
> 
> It's a shame and waste for the world that a person like you, intelligent and insightful, will hide from the world without sharing your talents (well, you are doing so in this forum, though). But it's your life, too, I understand. If you decide to stay in your house for the rest of your life, please take care of your finance, though. I'm from Japan and hear tragic stories about hikikomori people after their parents die. Please take care and keep sharing :yes


Thank you for posting. I to have a little bit of gray hair, but I've had it since I was 6 years old. If stress causes gray hair, then I must have been stressed out even at that age.



a pers0n said:


> Wow this was a really grim read.
> 
> I can't work out the purpose of this thread. Did you want validation that you're right to have given up? Or just want to bring down everybody with you?
> 
> I'm really sorry your life has turned out like this and that you feel you've nothing left to give. But I wish you hadn't posted this. And really wish that I hadn't clicked on it


I'm sorry you read it then. I honestly don't know what you were expecting. Maybe come kind of cheerful on the road to recovery topic? Not everyone has that storybook happy ending. I wasn't intending to bring others down, I'm just telling it like it is, straight up.


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## jsgt

Ive been following this thread since I came to this site. Who cares if society doesnt agree. Its your life, so do what you please. Thanks for the informative read.


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## ndh505

kunak said:


> what exactly are you saying he should change into? An extrovert?


 Can you elaborate? I offered a paragraph of reply and you brazenly parried it with two irrelevant sentences. I cannot accept your reasoning that only extroverts can achieve independence from their parents instead of killing themselves. Also, I'm not attacking his solitary lifestyle nor introverted personality ; it is his pernicious complacency, nihilistic resignation, mental inertia and refusal to see obvious truths that I disapprove of. And you have yet to answer my question ; do you really believe he's right in saying he isn't afraid of killing himself because he has nothing to do at age 30? I'm not sure whether your blatant, nonsensical, and almost dyslexic distortion of my words is intentional or not, but I find it highly unreasonable.

To answer your question, I'd say he should change into a proper adult with responsibilities and purposes. He is trapped in his adolescence ; it's time he grew up.


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## Escape Artist

Been there, done that.

Making something of your life is far more rewarding.


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## ndh505

TCyan said:


> Exactly, there's other people out there that need help, I don't need any help. I'm fine. As I've been saying throughout this entire topic, I just wanted to speak my mind on this forum, and listen to what some of you had to say. I'm not going to actually do anything anyone suggests though, cause I'm completely comfortable right where I am. I'm not feeling sorry for myself either.
> 
> Plus, a lot of others have posted in here, or maybe just read this topic, and maybe have found some answers for their own problems. I think this topic has helped at least one person out there.


 Since my harangue apparently doesn't move you, I'm giving up. It's your life, after all. But I suggest you have a serious conversation with your parents, if you haven't had one so far. Tell them what you think about the world and yourself, what you're going to do in the future, and why you have to live this way. They deserve to know.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> Since my harangue apparently doesn't move you, I'm giving up. It's your life, after all. But I suggest you have a serious conversation with your parents, if you haven't had one so far. Tell them what you think about the world and yourself, what you're going to do in the future, and why you have to live this way. They deserve to know.


Oh yeah, I'm sure they will feel so relieved when I tell them I'm going to kill myself after they pass away.

I'm not telling them anything. They know enough to worry about me, and that's all. I don't care enough to say "I'll be okay" or anything, because I won't be okay. I don't care what happens in the future.


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## cloister2

*shut in*

Just came across this thread in a search engine. I am 32 and a semi shut-in in my parents house over the last 10 years. I have frittered away many hours in the same way as the op.I guess with me it's a matter of not being able to accept that so much of life is just work. Work towards education, get a job, work to raise kids, maintain relationships, pay the bills, water the lawn, struggle, strife... and all for what? Your house in the suburbs? That's it? That's all there is to life? (But actually I realized I want all these things. Its all I really want.) I guess I never realized that the point of life is struggle. Must be some naivete there. I feel like a fool, actually. I've worked a few months here and there and traveled, however. But I spent a lot of time alone. I am dealing with depression, social anxiety, and quite a few other issues. I would definitely prefer being out there experiencing life. Unfortunately I missed out on all of the important experiences of youth so it's damn hard. (my only focus was academic. and in a way I even failed there.) I volunteer a couple hours a week. I'm looking for work though, anything available.

But anyways I dont mean to hijack the thread, just wanted to comment.


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## akt

cellophanegirl said:


> I don't think you should be looking for a job. I'm having trouble with the job search/my anxiety, and I am much less of a recluse than you, and less resistant to change as well. If anything I think you should be looking for a therapist. I think it would be helpful to you, and would also help you get on SSDI. Your therapist could probably even help you through the steps you need to take to get disability.


I hope you also consider this one day. You don't have to do it right now, but when your parents are older it would be time for you to start considering it (before they pass away). You don't have to work and pay taxes, make the government pay for you. Your parents worked and payed taxes to support you, maybe think about getting something back from it instead of just killing yourself right away.


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## TCyan

I honestly don't think it would be possible for me to get SSDI. I've got my mental problems, but physically, I'm fair. I am extremely underweight and have no energy all the time, but I could still get myself to clean the house for a day. I don't know, seems to me going through all the processes of getting into therapy and then applying for SSDI, it's way too far fetched of a plan and I doubt it would work.

I can just see going to therapy and saying "I've been in my house for 12 years"... He's going to look at me and think I'm either lying and trying to get free money from SSDI, or some other crap like "Oh I can fix you up right away, take these drugs!" and avoid the whole SSDI thing all together.

It just seems like a lose lose situation no matter what. I just don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I look rather young for my age too... not having a stressful life has lead me to staying young I guess?


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## at286

low said:


> I read it all. No judgement. I've been similar for about 6 years now though not as extreme and I thought I was bad (no offence, I mean that in the nicest way). Personally I'm bored everyday I do the same thing as you, other than I go for walks when it's quiet, late evening/early morning. I'm miserable also.
> 
> The way I see it is I'd rather go through other types of pain and make a go of it than the emotional pain that comes from living a solitary life. Too long I've sat literally staring at walls with negative thoughts festering in my mind all day. Simply, there has to be more to life than this. I'm terrified really and it's going to be hard. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes.


Almost everything in this post is like how my life is/has been.


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## vidory

No offense but reading your post actually made me angry. You say you aren't looking for help, yet you made this post...you say you're always wondering what would have happened if you had started dating the girl from the grocery store...or hadn't quit your job...'what if' questions aren't something people who don't want to change ask themselves.

You do want to change because if there was a magic button in front of you that could make your life instantly better with true happiness replacing the anxieties, I'm sure you would press it...just like everyone else on this forum, only you are too scared to admit it right now.

I'm sure you have made yourself believe that you are "happy" with your life with no responsibilities, but that's only because you have never had any. You were never challenged, so you don't know what it feels like to gain something through your hard work. you've never truly loved someone. You've never had to worry about how you're going to pay the rent next month. Your parents have somehow created a void for which you now live in, which most parents would never have allowed. But what you don't realize is that they did it out of their love for you, and yet you want to repay their love with suicide? Do you know how selfish suicide is? I see people who face life and death everyday...I meet mothers who pray to live a little longer to see their children grow up, and yet here you are thinking about suicide just because things won't be handed to you on a silver platter any more, well tough luck that's the way things work around here!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing just to tell you how much your life sucks. Because everyone can see that you are an intelligent person (as you've been told a few times). Personally, I know I would never write as well as you do after being shut in a house for twelve years playing video games. So if I were you, I'd take a few hours out of my day to write something, a story...a book...whatever. Get out of the house! go to the park and watch the kids play, you don't even have to talk to any one. I know anxiety can be hard, but that doesn't have to be an excuse for things!


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## ndh505

*I'm getting angry*



TCyan said:


> Oh yeah, I'm sure they will feel so relieved when I tell them I'm going to kill myself after they pass away.
> 
> I'm not telling them anything. They know enough to worry about me, and that's all. I don't care enough to say "I'll be okay" or anything, because I won't be okay. I don't care what happens in the future.


 You're incorrigible. And plain intolerable. Never have I seen an individual as contemptible as you. I was planning to step out of this thread but your immoral and lackadaisical retort really pisses me off. I badly wish you understood Korean, or I were more fluent in English. Then I might be able to persuade you. Or convey sheer disgust welling up inside me, at least. Since neither is the case, I guess this post, too, will fail to move you, but I'll try nonetheless, because I, unlike you, know human beings should from time to time do something for the hell of it instead of procrastinating for an eternity or giving up for good.

Deducing from your posts, you know what you're doing with your life makes your parents miserable and unhappy. You also know what you're going to do is so vile your parents won't be able to accept it. Yet you indulge in sloth and self-deception, refusing to change and ignoring your parents' suffering. This I find repugnant. Just think about it, for God's sake! Your parents gave life to you, rejoiced when you uttered your first word, and brought you up with unconditional love and infinite understanding. This was not because they expected something in return. They sacrificed themselves so that you could grow up into a respectable adult and become the master of your destiny. You, with revolting insensitivity, callous egoism and embarrassing naughtiness, trampled on this modest hope by becoming a hopeless, good-for-nothing shut-in.

Nevertheless, they allow you to live in their house, even though you are but a thick-skinned parasite sponging on them and they have every right to kick you out. Don't you feel sorry for them? Don't you feel it is downright heinous that they should spend their last days watching their son shrivel and wither into a vegetable? This is a sin. You defile and exploit parental love, one of the holiest things on earth, and now you deny them even the truth. They will pass away without knowing what their precious son has become nor what he will do. Then you will kill yourself ; a grotesquely comical denouement sane people cannot let happen.

And you keep blabbering that you are happy, you are content, you don't feel sorry for yourself, so you have no problem and the world should accept your nasty behavior. I scoff at these absurd excuses. I cannot but wonder whether you are an incurable ignoramus or a talented deceiver, whether you truly do not see the problem or you are just feigning denseness and stupidity. Let me give you an analogy ; a romantic five-year-old boy proclaims he is going to marry his mother. Adults will smile at his unspoiled innocence. But if he still harbors this desire when he is eighteen, this is a serious problem, partly because this is incest and thus unacceptable by society, partly because his mother is unwilling to be ****ed by her own son. But the main reason is that this marriage will result in his own misery and misfortunes for various reasons that need not be said.

You are no better. You, aged thirty, irresponsibly luxuriate in your juvenile fantasy - no work, no stress, no responsibilities, forever a child - that you should have grown out of two decades ago, as if you are some modern Peter Pan, unaware that you are destroying your life and forsaking the right as human being. It is perfectly natural that many right-minded people feel it incumbent upon them to shatter your fatuous delusion and drag you out of the mire of lethargy and complacency you wallow in. Yet you refuse to see what you actually are with moronic mulishness. Still worse, you blame the world for not understanding your disfigured mentality. Really, really annoying.

You moaned and whined about the universe being too enormous and your life being too insignificant. Sadly, there exist a number of empty-headed, nihilistic lazybones who find in you their own perverted egos and sympathize with you, and with their encouragement you reinforce your sick, pathetic outlook on life that the only way to be happy is to accept you cannot be happy. Frankly, I do not see what the size of the universe has to do with this. What I want you to do is rescue your sorry life for your own good, which, in my opinion, doesn't concern the universe that much.

Let me tell you once more ; every life is worth living, and all efforts to negate this truth are misguided, foolish and bound to fail. I know this is not something you will understand just because I tell you. You will have to discover it by yourself. And you will never reach this truth if you refuse to listen to people's advices and continue hiding in your suffocating mental den. Your mind has already become a veritable fossil, whether you are willing to accept it or not, and I get a feeling you will manage to deceive yourself once more, my criticism notwithstanding.

Well, it's your life, not mine, but I'm not sure whether I should stop caring about you. Perhaps I shouldn't have started wrangling with you from the beginning, but I couldn't bring myself to ignore this thread because I was frighteningly similar to you just a few years ago. Fortunately, I grew out of it, and you had better do the same.


----------



## Fireflies

*Good luck...*

Everyone on this message board already said what I would have wanted to say to you. It's your life and your decisions. So, good luck to you and please be kind to your parents; they are probably heart-broken. I wish you well.


----------



## TCyan

vidory said:


> No offense but reading your post actually made me angry. You say you aren't looking for help, yet you made this post...you say you're always wondering what would have happened if you had started dating the girl from the grocery store...or hadn't quit your job...'what if' questions aren't something people who don't want to change ask themselves.
> 
> You do want to change because if there was a magic button in front of you that could make your life instantly better with true happiness replacing the anxieties, I'm sure you would press it...just like everyone else on this forum, only you are too scared to admit it right now.
> 
> I'm sure you have made yourself believe that you are "happy" with your life with no responsibilities, but that's only because you have never had any. You were never challenged, so you don't know what it feels like to gain something through your hard work. you've never truly loved someone. You've never had to worry about how you're going to pay the rent next month. Your parents have somehow created a void for which you now live in, which most parents would never have allowed. But what you don't realize is that they did it out of their love for you, and yet you want to repay their love with suicide? Do you know how selfish suicide is? I see people who face life and death everyday...I meet mothers who pray to live a little longer to see their children grow up, and yet here you are thinking about suicide just because things won't be handed to you on a silver platter any more, well tough luck that's the way things work around here!
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing just to tell you how much your life sucks. Because everyone can see that you are an intelligent person (as you've been told a few times). Personally, I know I would never write as well as you do after being shut in a house for twelve years playing video games. So if I were you, I'd take a few hours out of my day to write something, a story...a book...whatever. Get out of the house! go to the park and watch the kids play, you don't even have to talk to any one. I know anxiety can be hard, but that doesn't have to be an excuse for things!


Sorry, I can't be around people without having a panic attack. You say it like it's so simple to just go out and hang out at the park in a corner by myself. Not going to happen, would rather cut my arms off. I'd rather feel physical pain than those emotional pains that I get from panic attacks.



ndh505 said:


> You're incorrigible. And plain intolerable. Never have I seen an individual as contemptible as you. I was planning to step out of this thread but your immoral and lackadaisical retort really pisses me off. I badly wish you understood Korean, or I were more fluent in English. Then I might be able to persuade you. Or convey sheer disgust welling up inside me, at least. Since neither is the case, I guess this post, too, will fail to move you, but I'll try nonetheless, because I, unlike you, know human beings should from time to time do something for the hell of it instead of procrastinating for an eternity or giving up for good.
> 
> Deducing from your posts, you know what you're doing with your life makes your parents miserable and unhappy. You also know what you're going to do is so vile your parents won't be able to accept it. Yet you indulge in sloth and self-deception, refusing to change and ignoring your parents' suffering. This I find repugnant. Just think about it, for God's sake! Your parents gave life to you, rejoiced when you uttered your first word, and brought you up with unconditional love and infinite understanding. This was not because they expected something in return. They sacrificed themselves so that you could grow up into a respectable adult and become the master of your destiny. You, with revolting insensitivity, callous egoism and embarrassing naughtiness, trampled on this modest hope by becoming a hopeless, good-for-nothing shut-in.
> 
> Nevertheless, they allow you to live in their house, even though you are but a thick-skinned parasite sponging on them and they have every right to kick you out. Don't you feel sorry for them? Don't you feel it is downright heinous that they should spend their last days watching their son shrivel and wither into a vegetable? This is a sin. You defile and exploit parental love, one of the holiest things on earth, and now you deny them even the truth. They will pass away without knowing what their precious son has become nor what he will do. Then you will kill yourself ; a grotesquely comical denouement sane people cannot let happen.
> 
> And you keep blabbering that you are happy, you are content, you don't feel sorry for yourself, so you have no problem and the world should accept your nasty behavior. I scoff at these absurd excuses. I cannot but wonder whether you are an incurable ignoramus or a talented deceiver, whether you truly do not see the problem or you are just feigning denseness and stupidity. Let me give you an analogy ; a romantic five-year-old boy proclaims he is going to marry his mother. Adults will smile at his unspoiled innocence. But if he still harbors this desire when he is eighteen, this is a serious problem, partly because this is incest and thus unacceptable by society, partly because his mother is unwilling to be ****ed by her own son. But the main reason is that this marriage will result in his own misery and misfortunes for various reasons that need not be said.
> 
> You are no better. You, aged thirty, irresponsibly luxuriate in your juvenile fantasy - no work, no stress, no responsibilities, forever a child - that you should have grown out of two decades ago, as if you are some modern Peter Pan, unaware that you are destroying your life and forsaking the right as human being. It is perfectly natural that many right-minded people feel it incumbent upon them to shatter your fatuous delusion and drag you out of the mire of lethargy and complacency you wallow in. Yet you refuse to see what you actually are with moronic mulishness. Still worse, you blame the world for not understanding your disfigured mentality. Really, really annoying.
> 
> You moaned and whined about the universe being too enormous and your life being too insignificant. Sadly, there exist a number of empty-headed, nihilistic lazybones who find in you their own perverted egos and sympathize with you, and with their encouragement you reinforce your sick, pathetic outlook on life that the only way to be happy is to accept you cannot be happy. Frankly, I do not see what the size of the universe has to do with this. What I want you to do is rescue your sorry life for your own good, which, in my opinion, doesn't concern the universe that much.
> 
> Let me tell you once more ; every life is worth living, and all efforts to negate this truth are misguided, foolish and bound to fail. I know this is not something you will understand just because I tell you. You will have to discover it by yourself. And you will never reach this truth if you refuse to listen to people's advices and continue hiding in your suffocating mental den. Your mind has already become a veritable fossil, whether you are willing to accept it or not, and I get a feeling you will manage to deceive yourself once more, my criticism notwithstanding.
> 
> Well, it's your life, not mine, but I'm not sure whether I should stop caring about you. Perhaps I shouldn't have started wrangling with you from the beginning, but I couldn't bring myself to ignore this thread because I was frighteningly similar to you just a few years ago. Fortunately, I grew out of it, and you had better do the same.


I don't know what to say. I read every word, and none of it effects me in the slightest. I'm too messed up to be moved by such a magnificent post. All these intelligent big words mean nothing to me. Don't get me wrong. You are extremely good at English. I can tell you are extremely angry and frustrated. I'm sorry though, nobody can get through to me.

The panic attacks and anxiety I get from being around people is so great, that obviously nothing I say here will be able to describe how much I hate it. I could list things I'd rather do. Jump off a bridge. Cut my arms off. Cut my legs off. Slam my head in a pile of bricks over and over. But nothing I say matters because nobody understands what it is like to be me.

I don't think I have mentioned it, but I have caused physical pain to myself. I've punched walls until my knuckles bled. I've hit myself in the forehead multiple times over and over and over again. I've been in situations where I've held a knife in the kitchen and just stood there staring at it.

Yes my life sucks and I hate it. I hate living this way.

But, I don't care. It's too easy, too comfortable. I don't have panic attacks, I don't have anxiety attacks. So why should I bother going outside? I choose to live this way. I've grown accustom to this lifestyle.

Honestly, I don't see any other way I can avoid death. It will happen. I don't want to feel those anxiety attacks anymore ever again. I don't.

Anyone who remotely cares about me in this topic, stop it.


----------



## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I don't know what to say. I read every word, and none of it effects me in the slightest. I'm too messed up to be moved by such a magnificent post. All these intelligent big words mean nothing to me. Don't get me wrong. You are extremely good at English. I can tell you are extremely angry and frustrated. I'm sorry though, nobody can get through to me.
> 
> The panic attacks and anxiety I get from being around people is so great, that obviously nothing I say here will be able to describe how much I hate it. I could list things I'd rather do. Jump off a bridge. Cut my arms off. Cut my legs off. Slam my head in a pile of bricks over and over. But nothing I say matters because nobody understands what it is like to be me.
> 
> I don't think I have mentioned it, but I have caused physical pain to myself. I've punched walls until my knuckles bled. I've hit myself in the forehead multiple times over and over and over again. I've been in situations where I've held a knife in the kitchen and just stood there staring at it.
> 
> Yes my life sucks and I hate it. I hate living this way.
> 
> But, I don't care. It's too easy, too comfortable. I don't have panic attacks, I don't have anxiety attacks. So why should I bother going outside? I choose to live this way. I've grown accustom to this lifestyle.
> 
> Honestly, I don't see any other way I can avoid death. It will happen. I don't want to feel those anxiety attacks anymore ever again. I don't.
> 
> Anyone who remotely cares about me in this topic, stop it.


 I see. I'm still angry at you and really pity your parents, but now I see I'm unable to change you no matter what I do, so I'll leave you in peace from now. I should have realized from the beginning some Asian teenager ranting at you won't change a thing. At least, this enabled me to use a number of big English words I always wanted to use, so you've helped me in a way, and I'm sure this thread has helped a lot of people in various ways. I'm leaving, then. Just remember it's never too late.


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## Zeddicus

I feel as if I could've written this post word-for-word.

O, dear life. Why must things be this way.


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## fonz

TCyan said:


> Anyone who remotely cares about me in this topic, stop it.


What do you want from people here? Why did you come back after taking that break from the forum if you weren't going to listen to what anyone had to say no matter what?


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## jsgt

Whats so hard to understand about the reason he created this thread? Its to help people as he has stated many times before. Stop reading into it too far. Hes already said he doesnt want to change, hes content with is life, ect... Let him live and stop trying to save him. 

Why does everyone keep badgering him accusing him of 'trying to reach out' while he's made it clear that he is not. Hes just here to help and educate.


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## GreatEscape

TCyan said:


> Sorry, just not interested in writing articles. Not my thing.


I understand that writing articles isn't a fun thing to do, at least for most people. But you said yourself earlier in the thread that if there was an online job that didn't involve talking on the phone to people or being on webcam, then you'd do it.

Writing articles isn't something which would consume your entire day. You only need to spend a couple of hours per day on it to write about 4 articles.

Due to your panic attacks, you've ruled out the possibility of getting a job outside, so online is your only option in your present circumstances.

It ultimately comes down to; Do you want to remain a leech on your parents until they die or do you want to do something a couple of hours a day which you don't enjoy, to contribute to the household income? You said your mom was on your back recently to find a job, so helping your parents financially im sure you can see would be a good step forward. Most peoples work doesn't interest them, but they still do it to pay their way.

Another point is that if you did write articles, it could just be a stepping stone for moving onto other online work which is a bit more involved and more interesting, such as building affiliate websites, etc.. Really the possibilities are big online, but you have to take the first step.


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## olschool

I know exactly wat u mean--- i still there so i cant say anything to help you. Just know that you are not alone:yes


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## Lone Raccoon

> Been living as a shut in since 1999.


Yeah. The Matrix was that great...

sorry but the topic has been around too long. the runner up was:

"I knew I would find Bill Clinton here."


----------



## flower2blossom

TCyan,
I read your entire thread last weekend and posted a comment. Thanks for the reply. Since I read your thread and did some energy work (EFT), for some reason, I've had deeper understanding of my own problems. I was feeling like you last week (although I went out) wishing to escape from this world, and didn't want to do anything, but I had a nicer week after that. I've realized how much I feared failure and embarrassment, and the fear has really held me back from doing what I wanted for a long time. 

So, although some people questioned your reason to start this thread, it is actually helpful for some readers :yes

That said, I really want you to start going out, if you can, little by little...
I know how uncomfortable panic attacks are because I used to be terrified of leaving my home, too. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous, and feeling pains over head, neck & shoulders when I went to work. I didn't get along with my parents and lived alone so had to make my living. But my panic attacks have become much manageable these days. 

If you really decide to stay inside (as I wrote it last time), please discuss your finance with your parents. I have a friend, 53 years old, who has suffered from social anxiety with little work experience. I suggested he apply for disability but has never done it. Now his mother is over 80 years old and has cancer. He doesn't know how he will make his living in the future.

As mentioned, in Japan, hikikomori (shut it) has become a social phenomenon and many of those who didn't plan their finance have committed a crime like social security fraud.

Please take care of yourself!


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## Reposada

I've been enthralled by this thread and I'm shocked at some of the vicious posts lately. Good heavens. The man hasn't broken any laws, isn't a drug addict, is a companion to his parents, helps them out with chores, hey: that's a good life!

It's nobody's business to cast judgment on such an innocent person. Save your sanctimonious fury for murderers, thieves, and pedophiles, please. People who've done something WRONG.

This thread has been extremely fascinating and helpful to me. There's a very silly idea that seems to be taken as gospel among some people here that everyone who's out there working is gloriously happy and "good." Everyone out there married is gloriously happy and "good." Everyone out there with children is gloriously happy and "good." And if there's someone who refuses to do any or at least one of these things is somehow "deficient" or "bad."

There are married people who kill their spouses; workers who shoot their co-workers; people who drown their children. I suppose you wouldn't be so angry at them because they're living up to your ludicrous standards as to what a reasonable person is.

I salute you TCyan - and I'm glad poor Emily Dickinson and millions of other recluses haven't had to put up with the kind of abuse you're getting. Being a hermit used to be an honored choice - and you're not even close to a hermit - but even if you were, so what?

Life belongs to the person who's living it and it's nobody's else's business - well, I guess if your parents decided to kick you out that would be their right, but nobody else on this thread or anybody else in the world has the right to berate you. And this thread has investigated some very important existential questions, such as what MUST a person really be required to do?

I think they must avoid hurting other people and not break any laws, unless the laws are unjust. Period. I don't understand where people come up with all this rancor - jealousy perhaps? narrow-mindedness? stupidity?

You enjoy the rest of your life, TCyan, however you please! The angry people here are the ones with a problem: examine yourself, cruel people, and fix that MAJOR flaw that you have and TCyan doesn't have! That would be a good place to start. There's nothing nearly so wrong with social anxiety as with this cruelty towards TCyan or any other reclusive person who suffers from social anxiety - it's a condition like having red hair or being born with a club foot. 

A person deserves respect and concern and not hatred for having a clear issue that he can't help and didn't intentionally cause. But the haters here HAVE caused hurt to another person and therefore should be ashamed! You're the intentionally cruel (and therefore seriously flawed) ones, not him!


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## dutchguy

I do think you still can have a happy life. You are just to depressed to see it. I think that why whatever someone here would say to you it doesn't ever come really true to you.

I think the most realistic option to rescue you would be that someone would take care of you. Or you should be in a intensive all day therapie. 
Someone should take you litteraly by hand and take you true life without you going back in hidding mode.

Words are not going to make you take action anymore. Are you willing to take the help of some one around you? May be someone on SAS lives near you and can do something things with you. Just like walking outside or whatever. Some one should take care of you.


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## vidory

Reposada said:


> I've been enthralled by this thread and I'm shocked at some of the vicious posts lately. Good heavens. The man hasn't broken any laws, isn't a drug addict, is a companion to his parents, helps them out with chores, hey: that's a good life!
> 
> It's nobody's business to cast judgment on such an innocent person. Save your sanctimonious fury for murderers, thieves, and pedophiles, please. People who've done something WRONG.
> 
> This thread has been extremely fascinating and helpful to me. There's a very silly idea that seems to be taken as gospel among some people here that everyone who's out there working is gloriously happy and "good." Everyone out there married is gloriously happy and "good." Everyone out there with children is gloriously happy and "good." And if there's someone who refuses to do any or at least one of these things is somehow "deficient" or "bad."
> 
> There are married people who kill their spouses; workers who shoot their co-workers; people who drown their children. I suppose you wouldn't be so angry at them because they're living up to your ludicrous standards as to what a reasonable person is.
> 
> I salute you TCyan - and I'm glad poor Emily Dickinson and millions of other recluses haven't had to put up with the kind of abuse you're getting. Being a hermit used to be an honored choice - and you're not even close to a hermit - but even if you were, so what?
> 
> Life belongs to the person who's living it and it's nobody's else's business - well, I guess if your parents decided to kick you out that would be their right, but nobody else on this thread or anybody else in the world has the right to berate you. And this thread has investigated some very important existential questions, such as what MUST a person really be required to do?
> 
> I think they must avoid hurting other people and not break any laws, unless the laws are unjust. Period. I don't understand where people come up with all this rancor - jealousy perhaps? narrow-mindedness? stupidity?
> 
> You enjoy the rest of your life, TCyan, however you please! The angry people here are the ones with a problem: examine yourself, cruel people, and fix that MAJOR flaw that you have and TCyan doesn't have! That would be a good place to start. There's nothing nearly so wrong with social anxiety as with this cruelty towards TCyan or any other reclusive person who suffers from social anxiety - it's a condition like having red hair or being born with a club foot.
> 
> A person deserves respect and concern and not hatred for having a clear issue that he can't help and didn't intentionally cause. But the haters here HAVE caused hurt to another person and therefore should be ashamed! You're the intentionally cruel (and therefore seriously flawed) ones, not him!


I think you would have considered me as one of the "haters", but you have to realize that people weren't really hating on his lifestyle. Rather, he is actually seriously considering suicide after his parents dies and there is no one to take care of him... Now if there was as you said a "good" person who was considering suicide after he/she has nobody to live for, I would have become a "hater" as well. I don't know how broadminded you are to consider suicide as "just another lifestyle to accept"...

By the way, I don't think anyone here were being intentionally cruel to the OP, we all had the best intentions of somehow helping him, except now I realize he doesn't need anyone's help.


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## Zeeshan

vidory said:


> I think you would have considered me as one of the "haters", but you have to realize that people weren't really hating on his lifestyle. Rather, he is actually seriously considering suicide after his parents dies and there is no one to take care of him... Now if there was as you said a "good" person who was considering suicide after he/she has nobody to live for, I would have become a "hater" as well. I don't know how broadminded you are to consider suicide as "just another lifestyle to accept"...
> 
> By the way, I don't think anyone here were being intentionally cruel to the OP, we all had the best intentions of somehow helping him, except now I realize he doesn't need anyone's help.


No, no he doesnt. Nor does he wants anyones help

But honestly some of the saddest stuff i have ever read in my entire life, especially the part about thinking about a girl from 12 years ago. Heart Breaking stuff this

This is the most extremes of cases.


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## luchiss

Hey you know that your actually inspiring people that read this. Me reading this right now is mind boggling


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## Scott777

TCyan said:


> If I ended up with a crappy job and crappy place to live, I might have well just be dead.


Sorry for dredging this up from so long ago, but I kind of relate to this sentiment. At the same time, it totally sticks in my craw.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. For the first three years of college I was totally freaked out about the prospect of having to go out and meet people, and thus spent most of my time in my room on the computer watching cartoons online (on one occasion, one of my especially smart-alacky acquaintances showed his girlfriend my room, referring to it as "Scott's natural habitat"), becoming more and more isolated and fearful of people as time progressed.

Switching majors this year to a field that at least requires me to get out and network a little, I decided to go out a fair number of times a week to socialize in structured events, whether it be an anime club or my program's social fraternity. I've found that I've enjoyed myself a little, even if I'm not having a blast. But at the same time, a part of me thinks that the damage done by my years of general isolation have taken their toll. I'm not sure I can successfully interview for an internship or a job in my field due to awkwardness and anxiety (though that doesn't mean I won't try; I will at least show up for any interviews granted to me).

That's where I disagree with that bit of yours that is quoted above. I'm halfway convinced that I might never attain the accomplishment and compensation that the typical graduate in my field attains. I might stay at the same entry-position, behind-the-scenes role for my entire working life. I might even have to go back to one of the menial jobs I've previously worked at. And I must say that I'm excited to get out of college and get a job. Any job. Preferably a good job that's relevant to my major, but I'm open to anything that will allow me to live independently, without the need for welfare, even if that lifestyle isn't typically affluent. I suppose my dream right now is to stop being a financial drain on my parents, so that they can give my younger brother the same opportunity to go to school they gave me and for them to enjoy themselves and eventually retire, as they have wanted to do. I really cannot wait for this to happen.

I don't suppose my current mindset would've come about without me getting out of my room every once in a while and seeing that outside life, while hard, isn't personally as scary as I thought and comes with its own pleasures.

What I suggest to you, if you're open to the suggestion, is to get out of your room for a week. Take a vacation if you have the resources, or take day-long walks if you don't. Try not to focus on what people may think about you, but rather on the places and scenery. Bring a camera along and try to develop a passion for photography. Write in a journal about what you've seen. Try to learn the routes and schedules of the mass-transit systems of any place you decide to go. Bring/check out some books to read. Send a letter or two to your family (which I'm sure they'd love). If you're feeling adventurous, order a meal or two at a restaurant. But do try to avoid staying in and watching TV and just generally spending all your time in front of one screen.

And if that doesn't do anything for you, you can go back to your lifestyle at the end of a week. Really, there is not much to lose and much that could be gained from venturing outside for a while.


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## Reposada

Sorry if I overreacted, Vidory, but I think a person whose social anxiety is so severe that he is considering suicide is someone who deserves empathy, sympathy, and concern, and not any kind of negativity. This disease frequently causes suicide - sometimes the pain of it negates any other possitibility.

I felt personally attacked for having a disease that I can't help. Some people really CAN'T see their way out of it. The "cures" always involve forcing yourself to deal with the very thing you desperately fear: therapy, gradual exposure, etc.

I too have offered suggestions to try - but I also believe that it's OK to be a hermit. It's not a crime or a sin and having a psychological problem as severe at TCyan's social phobia is something that's far from trivial -- it may well be untreatable. So just blithely criticizing or being angry if he can't accept your suggestions - well, I think that's inappropriate.

But again, apologies if I offended - but I was offended and hurt and reacted. Like fussing at a cancer patient who can't make himself face chemo. Sometimes, you just can't take it! And a person's life belongs to that person and not to anyone else. Sometimes the only choice a person has is to end it all because it's too painful and frightening to do otherwise. That's part of what this DISEASE can entail. And this disease is not a "choice" that we sufferers are making because we're lazy, stupid, or being stubborn on purpose, any more than that cancer patient who's reached the end of his or her tether is, or the MS patient who just can't go on anymore with their crippling disease.


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## dutchguy

I still think he should have external help from someone. From what I have read you can't fix this by yourself.


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## andemar

There is nothing wrong with the dude. He knows who he is and what he wants........good grief!!!


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## andemar

The only reason he thinks of suicide is because he believes how he is living is wrong by society standards so there is some guilt and there is no reason to feel guilty.


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## icemocha3

> The only reason he thinks of suicide is because he believes how he is living is wrong by society standards so there is some guilt and there is no reason to feel guilty.


true. By society standards (american standards) this way of living is "wrong". Which leads to depression and more isolation.


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## SereneBeing

Sometimes a good way to crawl out of a deep dark hole like being a shut in is to use a hobby as a rope out of said hole.
Video games is obviously a hobby BUT, it tends to be a lonely activity. (online gaming not withstanding) 

Maybe if you have other interests or hobbies, you can engage in groups or social functions centered around that hobby.
These being like minded people who share your interests and views...for the most part.
Example would be if your into anime, I know there are anime conventions and shows going on all over the place, yes?
Where better to meet people that you'd actually WANT to be around then there?
This would give you the all important ability to network...which means: knowing a guy, who knows a guy, who needs some help at his business where he makes or sells ______.

Job = $
$ = independence
independence = peace of mind
..and not having to worry about when the folks croak. :flush

Don't let life pass you by.
Think of ways to re-engage... you've done it before.
Just have to put what is more likely then not, a higher functioning mind, to work :idea

Wish you the best :yes


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## tony starks

I don't actually have this disorder (or at least I don't think so). I signed up pretty much just to respond to this specific thread.

I can relate in a sense with the appreciation for a life lead in isolation/solitude. I actually spent a pretty good portion of my teenage years up until my early twenties trying my best to fit in with society and live a fairly normal social life. I had early social hang ups about dealing with other people but I soon learned those interactions weren't nearly as nerve racking as I made them. I built up a social life and eventually moved out of my parents house and lived in an apartment on my own where people were constantly coming by, to the point that I felt like the drama of having a 'real social life' wasn't even worth it. I moved back in with my dad after that, mostly for financial reasons, and he got cancer. I got a job and took care of him till he died, at which time I moved out on my own again. This whole time, however, I distanced myself further and further from my friends. I got down to a very select few of people that I still considered friends (literally 2-3 people) until I started to see even these people less and less. 

The strange thing is that I wasn't unhappy or lonely. In fact I was happier than I was before when I had many more friends. My job requires me to deal with people, but beyond the basic necessities of work I mostly keep to myself. I got deep into literature, poetry, music, science, politics, life. The intricacies of being alive and being a human being are enough beauty and busy work to fill a thousand isolated lifetimes. You don't want to connect with other people, go out to bars/parties, get married, get into fistfights, run from the police, run your own company, etc? Then don't. I won't tell you you aren't missing out on something vital by not trying these things. But that doesn't mean you have to live a life of misery or even boredom. If I had the rest of my life to live on someone elses dime while reading/writing/studying whatever I want, that'd be a much better dream come true than landing a high paying job or marrying some super model.

I'm not saying not to try and face your fears or whatever, I don't have this disorder and don't know what its like. Other people could give better advice there. I just think you seem intelligent and should consider exploring the conceptual world beyond video games and television. Read some Bukowski, man. Or maybe some Hemingway. You say you liked band, pick up an instrument. Not to prove you can do it, and not to fill the time: you should do these things because the battle is the reward. The process of improvement is the best feeling in the world, and when you exert effort on something you actually enjoy you will see improvement. It's not just watching and registering the improvement, though, it's applying it that is actually so fulfilling and worth-while: whether it be improvement of the mind, body or soul. It's a process that makes you whole. That's my two cents. Best of luck to you.


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## TCyan

I've read everything up to now from my last post.

I still appreciate people offering help. Those posts would no doubt help others that read this topic that might be living like me, but me personally, no dice.

Most of you that post say I should go out and meet people, but that's the thing I can't do. I have to learn how to walk before I can run. Saying "Go out and meet people that have similar interests as you" is like telling someone to learn how to run before learning how to walk. I don't want to hang out with people that have similar interests with me. I don't want to hang out with anyone period. And sadly, I don't want to "learn how to walk" either.

Then some of you say I should just go outside and hang out at random places and just sit alone. Well, there's really no good places within walking distance where I live. I'd have to walk for a good hour just to find a social place. I can't drive. And again, why would I want to go where people are. There are no social places that are empty like parks around here either.

-

I did like to play in the band back in school, but I don't see how going back to playing again would help me in any way. First of all, I injured by back in high school being in the marching band in the first place. I've bad lower back problems since then. I know it sounds like just another excuse, but that one is a good excuse. I just don't have any interested in playing music anymore. Who needs a trombone player anyway?

-

I appreciate those that have said that it's relatively okay for me to live this way, as long as I'm good with it.

It feels kind of wrong reading that though. I still think it's wrong, but I don't want to change. It's like I'm stuck in a hole 50ft deep and my parents throw food down to keep me alive, and I don't accept the rope they throw down to climb out. I just want to stay down here, cozy and alone. One day, my parents won't throw food down anymore, and I don't know what will happen then.

-

Then the remark of someone said "The feeling accomplishment for succeeding in something can really feel good".

In theory, yeah, but, I hate that feeling. I hate being praised. That's why I hate birthdays and Christmas. I hate being given stuff. I hate the attention. I hate the feeling of success even if I was completely alone and accomplished something big. I don't like to praise myself for something good. Occasionally I'll let one slide, but most of the time, It just makes me feel horrible.

Take some tomato sauce, cheese, and sliced pepperoni. Slap them on a frozen pizza crust. Pop that in the oven at 350°F for 30 minutes. Bam!, pizza. I did it. I don't see that as an accomplishment, anyone can do that.

I think I set the bar extremely too high for myself. But I cannot help it. It's just the way I think. It's just the way I am.

I just don't have any real hobbies or interests in ANYTHING that could be of use that I would want to do for a living. Maybe I should get a job shoveling manure. But, I have a small weak body, can't even do manual labor. I seriously get tried so easily. I feel like I'm 50+ even though I'm only 30. Got a bad back too.

-

Oh well, I've run out of things to say. Anyone reading this entire topic and getting to this point that has anything to say, feel free and post something. Your suggestions can be helpful for others like me that actually want/need help. I still think this topic is good for at least that. I'm a lost cause.

Also, those that have read this entire topic. Wow, I'm very impressed.

-

I was suggested by someone in a PM that I should open a blog and put a paypal up and accept donations? I don't know about that. I really don't think I should be given money by anyone. It just seems really selfish. I wouldn't have anything to offer but simple blog posts. I know being given money would be a "motivation" factor to help me, but I honestly don't think I could do it. I wouldn't want to be given tons of money and not have anything to show for it, ever. So that's pretty much out of the question for me.


----------



## Miwo

I have not read all 21 pages of your thread, but I can relate to some things you mentioned.

I dont know about you, but after playing so many video games, so much anime, everything all starts to be the same. I started becoming jaded. Anime follows the same typical cliches that you have seen over and over again. How many stupid romance shows begin in a high school. Why do only teenagers pilot huge robots? Why do fighters always call out their special attacks? This is what I mean by same old ****, different coat of paint! Same with video games........Reiteration of the same stuff, with better graphics. The games that truly are revolutionary are far and few between. Most are just tried and true formulas of genres that are already been beaten to death. 

So why havn't you become jaded yet if you are completely submersed in this kind of stuff? Hasn't this happened to you yet? I came to this realization about 2 years ago. I think this was a turning point for me because it let me set some solid goals for myself that have made me much happier in life than I was before.


----------



## ChiefHuggingBear

I don't know why a thread like this isn't deleted. What about liability issues admins? The guy is talking about killing himself, it doesn't sound like he's kidding around either.


----------



## TCyan

Miwo said:


> I have not read all 21 pages of your thread, but I can relate to some things you mentioned.
> 
> I dont know about you, but after playing so many video games, so much anime, everything all starts to be the same. I started becoming jaded. Anime follows the same typical cliches that you have seen over and over again. How many stupid romance shows begin in a high school. Why do only teenagers pilot huge robots? Why do fighters always call out their special attacks? This is what I mean by same old ****, different coat of paint! Same with video games........Reiteration of the same stuff, with better graphics. The games that truly are revolutionary are far and few between. Most are just tried and true formulas of genres that are already been beaten to death.
> 
> So why havn't you become jaded yet if you are completely submersed in this kind of stuff? Hasn't this happened to you yet? I came to this realization about 2 years ago. I think this was a turning point for me because it let me set some solid goals for myself that have made me much happier in life than I was before.


I don't know, cause being a shut in for 12 years makes me this way? I know all the anime cliche's and I still enjoy watching them. Anime romances that start in high school? I'll watch it!

Video games never get boring to me. And I only play like 3 games total. In the last 12 years, I've even gone back to old games from the late 80's and early 90's. Modern games are pretty awful, I don't like current gen games.

I just don't get bored of my mundane life.



ChiefHuggingBear said:


> I don't know why a thread like this isn't deleted. What about liability issues admins? The guy is talking about killing himself, it doesn't sound like he's kidding around either.


I don't know. If this topic is breaking any rules, then go ahead and close/delete it. It's not like I'm going to at this moment. I talk about it in my future yeah, but who knows what my future holds.


----------



## dutchguy

I have respect of your story but with focusing so much on it, it only becomes worser.

I think that this is the time you have to say to your self STOP WHINING! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

The past is the past and now is the time to create your future. Create some visions for yourself for the future. Accept a simple job, accept every friendly person in to your life. And start doing instead of sitting around. You are 30 years old, you have good family that will help you sort things out, and until now help you financially in every way. You are intelligent enough to make something of your life. And drop the high standard. Face the truth, basically you now have zero life. Create at least a life with some social contact, a job, a apartment or house for yourself. That are all things you can achieve. 

From now one just say to yourself STOP WHINING, and every excuse that follows and makes you think different, REJECT IT. Even if its true. Become a bit more hard on yourself, don't be so soft and thread yourself like a baby, come on you're not a kid anymore. And remember yourself that you don't have have a perfect career going on, or a particular car or clothes or looks. Happiness doesn't rely on that. You can be happy with having a lot of "imperfections". 

Now stand up, and stop being such a little boy!

Ps. One day you will die and everything is over, until you die just tryout different things in life, if one doesn't work go to the next. Taking action is extremely important, so is social contact. Be hard on yourself like you are in the army, they don't let you dwell on feelings and thoughts for hours, days, weeks, months, years. Everybody would become sick of that! Now take action, come out of hiding in any way and face the world. And be hard on yourself! and set somewhat "easy goals" that don't require being "perfect". 
So, ordinary job, ordinary friends, and ordinary clothing and so one. See it as creating a starting point for your new life. You will be doing fine!

pss. Cut out "avoidance helpers" Like computers, television, games what ever. Keep busy, don't stress, but keep bussy. It doesn't matter if you don't know where your going at this point in your life. Now you are going nowhere and at least setting your self on a track of going after certain things, like the job, the social contact, the apartment, the sport, is bringing you somewhere. 

You have to do this for yourself. If you don't do this for yourself, Imagine that little boy that was born 30 years ago, being you. What kind of life do you give to such an innocent baby. I hope now the life you are living right now. Do it for him, make him happy. 

No excuses tolerated anymore TCyan, its over STOP WHINING! and start taking care of your inner child.


----------



## Zeeshan

This thread is great, it was the reason i joined

I thought my life was in the gutters, but after reading this, i have a new appreciation for things i can do.

As for living by society's standards, well the bottom line is, it is what it is. We cant change society, and they are the only standards one can live by. Society has changed, 


For TCCYAN

Maybe you should try something radical. Have you thought about getting some illegal drugs, i know it sounds crazy but right nnow you have 0 life. In essence even if you were an alcoholic, or a drug addict, at least you would meet people, That life is better then what you have now, which is nothing


----------



## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I don't understand. I don't remember having any hopes, dreams, or expectations as a child.
> 
> Well, here where I live, they can disqualify you for SSDI for agoraphobia. There's tons of threads/forums about it online all over the internet that people with agoraphobia cannot get SSDI, or they do get it, but then lose it after awhile. Seems like a total waste of time and effort to even try.
> 
> Plus I need some kind of proof that I've been with agoraphobia for 12 years. What proof do I have? Word of mouth from my parents? That doesn't cut it around here. I've dealt with doctors/psychiatrists/psychologists when I was younger and they just don't care about what I have to say. All they want is your money and to shove pills down my throat.
> 
> Not my fault I'm allowed to continue to post in here. If you're that desperate to get rid of me or this topic, report me, become a moderator, do something to forcefully remove me from this site. I'm not forcing you to read any of this. Can't you just ignore this topic whenever it is on the front page? I get it you hate me, but I just don't care. I don't know if you are some pro-life person that hates the idea of anyone dying for stupid reasons or not, but you just need to let me go. I don't care about my life. It's my life. I can do whatever I want with it.


Don't you get it? What I'm telling you is that you should at least* try *before killing yourself. You may be right in saying that they aren't that enthusiastic about providing support, but surely they don't reject every single person who asks for help? If you get rejected, you don't lose anything. You can tell me it didn't work and I may shut up. If it turns out well, your thought may change a bit. And it's perfectly possible that you are subconsciously exaggerating the difficulty, so I don't see why you can't give it a try.

And about this proof... Frankly, I find it hard to believe that Americans are so ridiculously bureaucratic. But even if they are that rotten, doens't this thread prove your problem? Can't you show this to those guys? Are you going to answer it won't be enough? Then I have nothing to say, since I don't know how things work in your country, but I really don't get why you so obstinately refuse even to try to change the situation before abandoning your life when you perfectly know it's wrong to live this way.


----------



## Reposada

ChiefHuggingBear said:


> I don't know why a thread like this isn't deleted. What about liability issues admins? The guy is talking about killing himself, it doesn't sound like he's kidding around either.


But the responders are trying to help by making suggestions to avert that possibility that he's mentioning and he's talking about after his parents die, which could be decades in the future. Social problems have caused many many suicides - more from bullying than from isolating yourself and not being able to face getting a job - and to ban the subject would be a much more dangerous "solution". Then no one could ever say they were thinking about killing themselves on this board? And so no one could get any advice or encouragement when they were just that desperate?


----------



## Reposada

ndh505 said:


> Don't you get it? What I'm telling you is that you should at least* try *before killing yourself. You may be right in saying that they aren't that enthusiastic about providing support, but surely they don't reject every single person who asks for help? If you get rejected, you don't lose anything. You can tell me it didn't work and I may shut up. If it turns out well, your thought may change a bit. And it's perfectly possible that you are subconsciously exaggerating the difficulty, so I don't see why you can't give it a try.
> 
> And about this proof... Frankly, I find it hard to believe that Americans are so ridiculously bureaucratic. But even if they are that rotten, doesn't this thread prove your problem? Can't you show this to those guys? Are you going to answer it won't be enough? Then I have nothing to say, since I don't know how things work in your country, but I really don't get why you so obstinately refuse even to try to change the situation before abandoning your life when you perfectly know it's wrong to live this way.


America is ridiculously bureaucratic, especially when it comes to the vaguer disabilities, such as social phobia or agoraphobia which many people just refuse to believe isn't just a 'choice' to avoid working. (probably because so many people hate their own jobs and wish they could drop out of the workforce themselves)

But your post gave me one more idea in connection with TCyan - just an idea. If his parents lived long enough, it's much easier to be declared "disabled" the older you are. My grandmother lived to be 101. If one of his parents lived to the point where TCyan was in his 60's or even 50's, I think the Celiac disease maybe combined with the psychiatric problems, which at that point, would have a long history - well, I think if he's lucky and his parent(s) survive long enough, the chances of receiving SSI would be vastly improved.

I think you need 10 quarters of work to receive a regular pension from Social Security when you reach age 62 - but maybe I'm wrong about that. What's that - 2.5 years? If that doesn't help TCyan, maybe it might help someone else who's biding his or her time and desperate about the future - I'm pretty sure being "retirement age" and being out of the workforce for decades and living alone (obvious psychological problems whether they 'buy' agoraphobia or not) and having ANY kind of physical problems, like TCyan's celiac disease - well, I just think the chances at that point would be good for receiving SSI, Medicaid and food stamps.

But you have to work up the courage to go apply. Actually, his parents or maybe even his brother could apply for him and explain that he's agoraphobic and therefore can't make himself apply. They still might require some kind of examination, but they might be willing to send a doctor or psychologist to his home for that "proof".

I'm just brainstorming - but imo just about everybody's life is a tale told by an idiot - so there's nothing to be ashamed of, imo, in trying to think of "out of the box" solutions. He just needs a small sum of money to have his basic needs met, especially if he inherits his parents' home.

OH, there may be the possibility of a "reverse mortgage" - if TCyan were old enough when his last parent dies; if the house he inherits is paid for; then he could get that "reverse mortgage" thing possibly, which is to borrow what the house is worth and leave the house to the bank (meanwhile, you get to stay in the house without paying the payments on the mortgage as long as you live.) However, I understand he has a brother, so that's perhaps a complication? Well, just more brainstorming.

And I thought that was part of the mission of this board? Trying to think of advice to help people afflicted, in varying degrees, by "social anxiety." Sometimes it IS so bad you can't function in society - and that's just the reality of it. And people on the more severe end need just this kind of brainstorming to figure out how to survive as a hermit once their benefactors can no longer help them.


----------



## Fireflies

*You're very popular...*

I have never seen a post responded to quite like yours was; I'm jealous. You should feel secure in the knowledge that people care. If all the people who wrote to you are just strangers, imagine how receptive people would be in real life. You have a fascinating story and, even in writing, a charisma.

I only read a small sample, but all I can advise is: have a goal, take small steps, and have a person(s) you can rely on for help along the way...none of us can do it alone.

Good luck and, in the mean time, have fun with your life any way you know how.


----------



## jlohrman

*Interesting*

I believe I could help you, but you seem to have no faith in hope for progression. It seems slightly asinine to give advice where it's unwanted.

But you obviously lied about that, because you never would've posted that unless you wanted someone to help; either by just reading what you have to say, or to provide imput for yourself, or for sympathy.

I'm not trying to bring you down at all, in fact I feel for you and believe your problems lie deep in subconscious tendencies; though I have no real degree in psychology.

You just need to find that without change, no one is ever happy.


----------



## hoborg

I experienced a similar lifestyle for a while, i don't know if it was due to the same reasons. It was during university semester break and I wasn't working at the time. I basically spent every day watching anime/movies or playing video games. Your brain get's very addictive to this kind of lazy lifestyle and it's hard to break out of (I'm still trying even to this day with internet addiction - read the book "the shallows"). I realised what this does to you though, it means you stop thinking. When you're taking part in these activities that require minimal brain power (yes even video games) and reward you with instant gratification your mind is blank and your brain is being fed chemicals to keep you in a good mood so you want more.

The best cure i found was to ditch the electronic entertainment, even just try for a couple of weeks and start reading books. Read about the great men in history and things that interest you. You'll find your mind starts to engage again and at least in my case it was like a 10 ton weight being lifted off my shoulders once the cravings stopped. You start to be able to critically think and analyze again which is the only way you'll see any form of self improvement. Seriously, even if you think what I'm talking about is complete bs, try it for 2 weeks. What have you got to loose? If you see nothing in your life improving and your not feeling any better go back to how you were. Otherwise you may just find that you're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for.

The other thing i did was start to train for powerlifting. Any kind of exercise will alter your mood and your mental state. See:
http://www.oldtimestrongman.com/strength-articles/iron-henry-rollins
_"It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable_."

The 3rd thing i did was really get back into music. There's some amazing music out there that can take you to places you never thought possible and inspire you.









And lastly I was fortunate enough to travel. I went o South America and saw some amazing things. From the value of the moon in the Atacama Desert to the Nazca lines to the amazing city at Machu Picchu

I'm not religious or usually into motivational stuff but check out this guys youtube channel for more motivation:
http://www.youtube.com/user/etthehiphoppreacher

I didn't honestly mean for this post to be so long but the point I'm trying to make is there's so much out there past mass entertainment. You only get one shot and you got to make the most of it. I'm telling you, know matter how comfortable you feel in your current situation and how flat line your emotions are, if you be proactive there is so much out there you can experience that will amaze you. Heck, watch the discovery channel for half an afternoon. The world is an amazing place. You don't even have to be social in the slightest to take the recommendations here. It's just about taking control of your own life.


----------



## DK3

TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


I can totally relate to this post and understand where you're at. I'm ten years older than yourself nearly, but went through a similar (although not as long as yourself) period of social isolation and reclusive behaviour. Just like yourself, it was when I was living at home. I would spend most my time in my bedroom either watching TV or chatting online and didn't go outside AT ALL or see anyone, for 6 full years. The longer time went on the harder it was for me to deal with social situations, even my family became difficult, and I would eat alone in my room.

I think this is what ultimately SA can lead to if you don't tackle your fears or have no reason to. A complete isolation and shut down and it's very difficult to break out of it then and you feel very abnormal and strange when you do go outside.

What got me out of this rut and this 6 year isolation period was meeting a couple of understanding girls who gave me the confidence and emotional support so that I began to feel more normal again. Also alcohol helped.

But the real turning point for me was when I moved out and into my own place around 2000. That changed things a lot as I could no longer hideaway and live in isolation. I found myself adapting to my new situation. It was quite difficult at first and I needed a lot of help and support but eventually my confidence grew and my quality of life improved dramatically.

I'm still very much a loner, and live alone. I don't have friends or socialise and I've begun to accept that's just how I am. I think some people are just happier that way or at least can enjoy less stressful and uncomplicated lives more. However it's good to be in a more semi-social environment where you can see your neighbours around you, go shopping, go out for walks or bike rides etc rather than just shutting yourself away indoors for years on end.


----------



## Kusjmamire

hoborg said:


> I experienced a similar lifestyle for a while, i don't know if it was due to the same reasons. It was during university semester break and I wasn't working at the time. I basically spent every day watching anime/movies or playing video games. Your brain get's very addictive to this kind of lazy lifestyle and it's hard to break out of (I'm still trying even to this day with internet addiction - read the book "the shallows"). I realised what this does to you though, it means you stop thinking. When you're taking part in these activities that require minimal brain power (yes even video games) and reward you with instant gratification your mind is blank and your brain is being fed chemicals to keep you in a good mood so you want more.
> 
> The best cure i found was to ditch the electronic entertainment, even just try for a couple of weeks and start reading books. Read about the great men in history and things that interest you. You'll find your mind starts to engage again and at least in my case it was like a 10 ton weight being lifted off my shoulders once the cravings stopped. You start to be able to critically think and analyze again which is the only way you'll see any form of self improvement. Seriously, even if you think what I'm talking about is complete bs, try it for 2 weeks. What have you got to loose? If you see nothing in your life improving and your not feeling any better go back to how you were. Otherwise you may just find that you're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for.
> 
> The other thing i did was start to train for powerlifting. Any kind of exercise will alter your mood and your mental state. See:
> http://www.oldtimestrongman.com/strength-articles/iron-henry-rollins
> _"It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable_."
> 
> The 3rd thing i did was really get back into music. There's some amazing music out there that can take you to places you never thought possible and inspire you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And lastly I was fortunate enough to travel. I went o South America and saw some amazing things. From the value of the moon in the Atacama Desert to the Nazca lines to the amazing city at Machu Picchu
> 
> I'm not religious or usually into motivational stuff but check out this guys youtube channel for more motivation:
> http://www.youtube.com/user/etthehiphoppreacher
> 
> I didn't honestly mean for this post to be so long but the point I'm trying to make is there's so much out there past mass entertainment. You only get one shot and you got to make the most of it. I'm telling you, know matter how comfortable you feel in your current situation and how flat line your emotions are, if you be proactive there is so much out there you can experience that will amaze you. Heck, watch the discovery channel for half an afternoon. The world is an amazing place. You don't even have to be social in the slightest to take the recommendations here. It's just about taking control of your own life.


Just wanted to say that i love this post, for myself, for the threadstarter, and probably for a lot of people on here!
I read Henry Rollin's page, gave me motivation to go back into weightlifting, it's so true what he says!

And great tip about reading about great men in history.

I am interested in military-type great men. Like the Spartans, i heard they were really hard trainig people. Do you know any books about the Spartans?

Can you recommend any great books about great men in history that motivate?

Thanks


----------



## lolly28

gosh this is such an interesting read. Its sad all your experiences in life are 12 years ago  its like you just stopped trying 12 years ago - something must have happened for you to suddenly just stop trying. I know you have been given lots of advice here and you said you don't want that advice - you are happy the way you are. What about your parents? Do you not feel sad that they still have to look after their son who is 30? They have to go to the shops for you - you live in their house. I can imagine how heartbreaking it must be for them to see their son still at home not living a life. They wanted you to go to college and have a great life. I really feel sorry for your parents and family. Ive not offered you any advice here as you dont want it - i wish you good luck in the rest of your life x


----------



## weiweidav

im pretty much same as u, altho i turned 26 now....but age seems meaningless these days. the days of the week seem meaningless as well. in fact my attitude towards everything apart from my online games is cbf. 

ive been in this situation for 6 yrs now....but ill prob be same as u in 4 years. haha!...prob shudnt laaugh about this

neway i heard u watch anime, i been watching quite a bit too, lately i just watched one called "Welcome to the NHK" its pretty good...its about hikikomoris as well, and is quite realistic than most animes. i loved the beginning but the ending wasnt that great....i wish it wud be perfect, but nothing in life ever is.


----------



## someguy8

Ive been 100% shut in for past 3 years. Zero contact with any of the outside world. Im not gonna write an essay on why but i gave up on being "normal" when i was 19 and i havent been happier since i was a youngin. 

Just sit in my house, play video games, not a worry in the world. I wish i could of been a kid forever but doing what i do now is better than the "real" world. Besides there is nothing in the outside world that can get me what i desire. I just want to live in the worlds inside my head. Even if i was a billionare id be unsatisfied. So whats the point. 

Am I really happy though? Im not depressed. I cant fully live out any of imagination just inside my house either though. I guess im fine just a bit bored. I crave adventure. But i dont think the real world has anything to offer, especially in these times. Ladee


----------



## roses6

Hmm I wish I could have just stayed at home for the rest of my life, but that simply won't be socially acceptable. I would love to just stay at home all day and read or just surf the net. But I am away from home and that sucks.


----------



## roses6

I realise how old this thread is, but to the OP, don't you get asked by extended family about why you're living this way? Do you ever see them?


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## bson1257

I've been living as a shut it for about 2 years. The only way that could change is if I lose a ton of weight.


----------



## Ysonesse

I've been a shut-in on and off my entire life (which is pretty long). It's coming to bite me in the end now that I can't get a job anywhere, and I have to worry about supporting other people.


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## fonz

someguy8 said:


> Even if i was a billionare id be unsatisfied. So whats the point.


People keep saying this sort of stuff on this forum,but how would you know how you would be with that much money? I know a lot more of my worries are about how I'm going to have enough money to get me through my life rather than my social skills...


----------



## TCyan

Zeeshan said:


> For TCCYAN
> 
> Maybe you should try something radical. Have you thought about getting some illegal drugs, i know it sounds crazy but right nnow you have 0 life. In essence even if you were an alcoholic, or a drug addict, at least you would meet people, That life is better then what you have now, which is nothing


I'm not interested in drugs, alcohol, or meeting people. I'm quite content with having what you call "nothing".



Reposada said:


> America is ridiculously bureaucratic, especially when it comes to the vaguer disabilities, such as social phobia or agoraphobia which many people just refuse to believe isn't just a 'choice' to avoid working. (probably because so many people hate their own jobs and wish they could drop out of the workforce themselves)
> 
> But your post gave me one more idea in connection with TCyan - just an idea. If his parents lived long enough, it's much easier to be declared "disabled" the older you are. My grandmother lived to be 101. If one of his parents lived to the point where TCyan was in his 60's or even 50's, I think the Celiac disease maybe combined with the psychiatric problems, which at that point, would have a long history - well, I think if he's lucky and his parent(s) survive long enough, the chances of receiving SSI would be vastly improved.
> 
> I think you need 10 quarters of work to receive a regular pension from Social Security when you reach age 62 - but maybe I'm wrong about that. What's that - 2.5 years? If that doesn't help TCyan, maybe it might help someone else who's biding his or her time and desperate about the future - I'm pretty sure being "retirement age" and being out of the workforce for decades and living alone (obvious psychological problems whether they 'buy' agoraphobia or not) and having ANY kind of physical problems, like TCyan's celiac disease - well, I just think the chances at that point would be good for receiving SSI, Medicaid and food stamps.
> 
> But you have to work up the courage to go apply. Actually, his parents or maybe even his brother could apply for him and explain that he's agoraphobic and therefore can't make himself apply. They still might require some kind of examination, but they might be willing to send a doctor or psychologist to his home for that "proof".
> 
> I'm just brainstorming - but imo just about everybody's life is a tale told by an idiot - so there's nothing to be ashamed of, imo, in trying to think of "out of the box" solutions. He just needs a small sum of money to have his basic needs met, especially if he inherits his parents' home.
> 
> OH, there may be the possibility of a "reverse mortgage" - if TCyan were old enough when his last parent dies; if the house he inherits is paid for; then he could get that "reverse mortgage" thing possibly, which is to borrow what the house is worth and leave the house to the bank (meanwhile, you get to stay in the house without paying the payments on the mortgage as long as you live.) However, I understand he has a brother, so that's perhaps a complication? Well, just more brainstorming.
> 
> And I thought that was part of the mission of this board? Trying to think of advice to help people afflicted, in varying degrees, by "social anxiety." Sometimes it IS so bad you can't function in society - and that's just the reality of it. And people on the more severe end need just this kind of brainstorming to figure out how to survive as a hermit once their benefactors can no longer help them.


Thanks.



Fireflies said:


> I have never seen a post responded to quite like yours was; I'm jealous. You should feel secure in the knowledge that people care. If all the people who wrote to you are just strangers, imagine how receptive people would be in real life. You have a fascinating story and, even in writing, a charisma.
> 
> I only read a small sample, but all I can advise is: have a goal, take small steps, and have a person(s) you can rely on for help along the way...none of us can do it alone.
> 
> Good luck and, in the mean time, have fun with your life any way you know how.


Thank you.



hoborg said:


> I experienced a similar lifestyle for a while, i don't know if it was due to the same reasons. It was during university semester break and I wasn't working at the time. I basically spent every day watching anime/movies or playing video games. Your brain get's very addictive to this kind of lazy lifestyle and it's hard to break out of (I'm still trying even to this day with internet addiction - read the book "the shallows"). I realized what this does to you though, it means you stop thinking. When you're taking part in these activities that require minimal brain power (yes even video games) and reward you with instant gratification your mind is blank and your brain is being fed chemicals to keep you in a good mood so you want more.
> 
> The best cure i found was to ditch the electronic entertainment, even just try for a couple of weeks and start reading books. Read about the great men in history and things that interest you. You'll find your mind starts to engage again and at least in my case it was like a 10 ton weight being lifted off my shoulders once the cravings stopped. You start to be able to critically think and analyze again which is the only way you'll see any form of self improvement. Seriously, even if you think what I'm talking about is complete bs, try it for 2 weeks. What have you got to loose? If you see nothing in your life improving and your not feeling any better go back to how you were. Otherwise you may just find that you're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for.
> 
> The other thing i did was start to train for powerlifting. Any kind of exercise will alter your mood and your mental state.


I'm not addicted to video games or tv or anything like that. I can step away from that stuff whenever I want. If I had to say I was addicted to something, it would be that I'm addicted to living like a child. I don't want to grow up and have responsibilities.

I did try exercise. But since I have an extremely hyper metabolism, I burn calories like crazy. Being only 110~lbs doesn't help either. I feel like I'm starving every day even though I eat 3 full meals a day. I could easily eat like 6 times a day and not gain weight. Exercising is just too hard for me. I don't have any energy at all.



DK3 said:


> What got me out of this rut and this 6 year isolation period was meeting a couple of understanding girls who gave me the confidence and emotional support so that I began to feel more normal again. Also alcohol helped.


I've never tried alcohol, and never will. And I don't know anyone outside my family that could help me like that.



lolly28 said:


> gosh this is such an interesting read. Its sad all your experiences in life are 12 years ago  its like you just stopped trying 12 years ago - something must have happened for you to suddenly just stop trying. I know you have been given lots of advice here and you said you don't want that advice - you are happy the way you are. What about your parents? Do you not feel sad that they still have to look after their son who is 30? They have to go to the shops for you - you live in their house. I can imagine how heartbreaking it must be for them to see their son still at home not living a life. They wanted you to go to college and have a great life. I really feel sorry for your parents and family. Ive not offered you any advice here as you dont want it - i wish you good luck in the rest of your life x


I'm happy/content with my life. Having no responsibilities is wonderful. I know my parents are sad about how I am. But I just don't care enough. My parents wanted me and my brother to go to college. My brother tried college and hated it, so he dropped out. He lives at home with us, but at least has a job. He's probably going to move out sooner or later too. I on the other hand, staying in my room forever.



weiweidav said:


> im pretty much same as u, altho i turned 26 now....but age seems meaningless these days. the days of the week seem meaningless as well. in fact my attitude towards everything apart from my online games is cbf.
> 
> ive been in this situation for 6 yrs now....but ill prob be same as u in 4 years. haha!...prob shudnt laaugh about this
> 
> neway i heard u watch anime, i been watching quite a bit too, lately i just watched one called "Welcome to the NHK" its pretty good...its about hikikomoris as well, and is quite realistic than most animes. i loved the beginning but the ending wasnt that great....i wish it wud be perfect, but nothing in life ever is.


Yeah I've seen NHK. Good stuff.



roses6 said:


> I realise how old this thread is, but to the OP, don't you get asked by extended family about why you're living this way? Do you ever see them?


Other than the very few times they've come here to visit us, I haven't seen any of them in 12 years. The ones that do visit never asked about it. I've missed out on lots of family reunions and funerals.



bson1257 said:


> I've been living as a shut it for about 2 years. The only way that could change is if I lose a ton of weight.


I've got the opposite problem. I'm super skinny and am currently around 110lbs. I've got no energy to do anything but watch TV and play games. I could easily sleep 12-15 hours a day too If I wanted, cause whenever I get 8-9 hours of sleep, I feel extremely tired in the afternoon, even more tired than when I go to bed at night.


----------



## primalrose

It's easy to become complacent and think you're happy/okay living the shut-in life...it's less painful then going out there and daring to live a fulfilling life. After being a shut-in for about 8 years, rarely going outside to do anything, I tried to go back to college and failed after 2 years when the social anxiety and depression finally won, but it taught me at least that I needed positive people in my life and a fundamental self-belief to get anywhere. I managed to find a partner that truly supports me, even though I had to endure alot of pain, drama and confusion to get to that point. Just wanna say to at least try and even if you fail, it becomes a slightly easier to deal with each time as long as you realize its okay to make mistakes and fail, socially or whatever. At first you think it's pointless, that you don't need to go through all this, but after finding love, I at least have hope and some desire to try and live and that living as a shut-in on the computer 24/7 is a soul-draining and sad way to "live" life.

Life is full of surprises, you might find somebody or something truly special, like a passion you never knew about, even from a complete disaster, like I did. Just dare to try and always keep telling yourself you are a flawed human being permitted to make mistakes and learn from them.


----------



## Juliette

TCyan said:


> I honestly don't think it would be possible for me to get SSDI. I've got my mental problems, but physically, I'm fair. I am extremely underweight and have no energy all the time, but I could still get myself to clean the house for a day. I don't know, seems to me going through all the processes of getting into therapy and then applying for SSDI, it's way too far fetched of a plan and I doubt it would work.
> 
> I can just see going to therapy and saying "I've been in my house for 12 years"... He's going to look at me and think I'm either lying and trying to get free money from SSDI, or some other crap like "Oh I can fix you up right away, take these drugs!" and avoid the whole SSDI thing all together.
> 
> It just seems like a lose lose situation no matter what. I just don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I look rather young for my age too... not having a stressful life has lead me to staying young I guess?


 Hi again, TCyan - You say don't want to try therapy or claim SSI as you don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I'm racking my brains to visualise what a typical agoraphobic looks like. Yes, if you're Caucasian you may look very pale from never going outside, but that's about all&#8230;or am I missing something?

You also say that the process of getting therapy and claiming SSI is much too far-fetched and probably wouldn't work. I appreciate that all this would be difficult for you to do after 12 years but at least you can say you have tried.  

Do you _really_ want to reach the age of 31...35... 40...50 or 60 years of age without having tried _something_&#8230;?


----------



## Ysonesse

Juliette said:


> Hi again, TCyan - You say don't want to try therapy or claim SSI as you don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I'm racking my brains to visualise what a typical agoraphobic looks like. Yes, if you're Caucasian you may look very pale from never going outside, but that's about all&#8230;or am I missing something?


Some people look too "normal" to have any major disabilities. (Speaking in terms of what is considered "normal" by regular, functional people in society). There's a perception that most people with mental illness are supposed to look homeless/disheveled/talks to themselves/insert stereotypical "crazy" behavior here. If you don't talk to yourself, regularly look after yourself (eat decently, take regular showers/baths), wear clean clothes, etc. then many normal people think, "There's nothing wrong with you! You're just lazy!"


----------



## Juliette

Ysonesse - Are the people who work in SSI really so backward to think that a person with mental health issues have to look 'a certain way?'

And if they do think like that, TCyan, prove those bureaucratic buggers wrong! And if you can't prove 'em wrong, at least you can say you_ tried..._


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## a123

How about you actually TRY attempting something, anything and just see how it goes. Whether it's therapy or applying for SSI just give it a go.


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## Ysonesse

Juliette said:


> Ysonesse - Are the people who work in SSI really so backward to think that a person with mental health issues have to look 'a certain way?'


Let me give you an example: My first and only meeting with an SSI rep in 2007, I was flat out denied because, according to this guy (in his words): "I don't see anything wrong with you. I don't see why you can't get a job. Or you could always get married." In other words, from his POV, I didn't look disabled.


----------



## Issues

I read this entire thread. Good read. 

Question: What games do you play?


----------



## Juliette

Ysonesse said:


> Let me give you an example: My first and only meeting with an SSI rep in 2007, I was flat out denied because, according to this guy (in his words): "I don't see anything wrong with you. I don't see why you can't get a job. Or you could always get married." In other words, from his POV, I didn't look disabled.


I'm sorry your experience of claiming SSI was so dismal and your claim was denied, but that shouldn't deter TCyan from trying to claim. His experience could turn out to be different, he may encounter someone who is more understanding. As I keep repeating, he will _never_ know unless he tries.

As a matter of interest, if a benefit claim is rejected in the US are you allowed to go to appeal as they do in the UK where I live?


----------



## Ysonesse

Juliette said:


> As a matter of interest, if a benefit claim is rejected in the US are you allowed to go to appeal as they do in the UK where I live?


You can appeal, although it helps to get legal counsel if you have any hope of winning the appeal. That's not always possible depending on the strength of your case (most SS attorneys take their fee if you win).


----------



## at286

Ysonesse said:


> Let me give you an example: My first and only meeting with an SSI rep in 2007, I was flat out denied because, according to this guy (in his words): "I don't see anything wrong with you. I don't see why you can't get a job. Or you could always get married." In other words, from his POV, I didn't look disabled.


I have encountered a few like the one you just described. They all think like that.


----------



## reliefseeker

Well..
After reading this, I think I might grow up to be like you one day.


----------



## TCyan

primalrose said:


> It's easy to become complacent and think you're happy/okay living the shut-in life...it's less painful then going out there and daring to live a fulfilling life. After being a shut-in for about 8 years, rarely going outside to do anything, I tried to go back to college and failed after 2 years when the social anxiety and depression finally won, but it taught me at least that I needed positive people in my life and a fundamental self-belief to get anywhere. I managed to find a partner that truly supports me, even though I had to endure alot of pain, drama and confusion to get to that point. Just wanna say to at least try and even if you fail, it becomes a slightly easier to deal with each time as long as you realize its okay to make mistakes and fail, socially or whatever. At first you think it's pointless, that you don't need to go through all this, but after finding love, I at least have hope and some desire to try and live and that living as a shut-in on the computer 24/7 is a soul-draining and sad way to "live" life.
> 
> Life is full of surprises, you might find somebody or something truly special, like a passion you never knew about, even from a complete disaster, like I did. Just dare to try and always keep telling yourself you are a flawed human being permitted to make mistakes and learn from them.


I hate to turn this around on you, but I don't think it's just that simple for a guy. No woman on earth wants a dude that's been a shut in for 12 years, has no job, and lives with his parents.

(Putting appearance, looks, ect aside) If it were the other way around, and I was a normal dude living a normal life, and I met a girl that was a shut in for 12 years, had no job, no friends, and lived with her parents, and I was attracted to her, it wouldn't bother me that she lived this way. But as a guy, I don't see how any woman with a normal life could suddenly see me as a potential boyfriend/husband.

It just doesn't add up. Don't women want someone that can support them? Someone they can look up to? Someone that has confidence? Someone that can protect them?

I can't do any of those, not even for myself.

I'm just not really interested in relationships in general. I like reading/watching romance novels/tv shows/movies, but It's just not something I'd like to experience in person.

Plus I don't want to have kids. I'm too afraid of passing down my genes of depression, social anxiety disorder, and all the other problems in my life to one of my children. I don't want to be a bad father either.

I'm very paranoid about any forms of birth control. So I think it would be best if I just stayed a virgin for life.

I just don't feel responsible enough to have a relationship with another person. I've been single all my life, why should I change that now?



Juliette said:


> Hi again, TCyan - You say don't want to try therapy or claim SSI as you don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I'm racking my brains to visualise what a typical agoraphobic looks like. Yes, if you're Caucasian you may look very pale from never going outside, but that's about all&#8230;or am I missing something?
> 
> You also say that the process of getting therapy and claiming SSI is much too far-fetched and probably wouldn't work. I appreciate that all this would be difficult for you to do after 12 years but at least you can say you have tried.
> 
> Do you _really_ want to reach the age of 31...35... 40...50 or 60 years of age without having tried _something_&#8230;?


I just don't think anything is worth trying.



Ysonesse said:


> Some people look too "normal" to have any major disabilities. (Speaking in terms of what is considered "normal" by regular, functional people in society). There's a perception that most people with mental illness are supposed to look homeless/disheveled/talks to themselves/insert stereotypical "crazy" behavior here. If you don't talk to yourself, regularly look after yourself (eat decently, take regular showers/baths), wear clean clothes, etc. then many normal people think, "There's nothing wrong with you! You're just lazy!"


Exactly. There's nothing wrong with me physically except being extremely skinny. In fact, I could even agree with them if they said "You're just lazy!", cause that's how I feel about it. I feel like I just don't want to do anything in life simply because I am lazy.



Juliette said:


> Ysonesse - Are the people who work in SSI really so backward to think that a person with mental health issues have to look 'a certain way?'
> 
> And if they do think like that, TCyan, prove those bureaucratic buggers wrong! And if you can't prove 'em wrong, at least you can say you_ tried..._


I don't get what is so great about saying "at least I tried".



a123 said:


> How about you actually TRY attempting something, anything and just see how it goes. Whether it's therapy or applying for SSI just give it a go.


Already tried therapy when I was 18 years old. It didn't work. I tried medication too and hated it. It gave me so many side effects. Made me feel worse.



Ysonesse said:


> Let me give you an example: My first and only meeting with an SSI rep in 2007, I was flat out denied because, according to this guy (in his words): "I don't see anything wrong with you. I don't see why you can't get a job. Or you could always get married." In other words, from his POV, I didn't look disabled.


That's really sad, but I bet I would get the same exact treatment.



Issues said:


> Question: What games do you play?


Just old games. I don't like current gen games.


----------



## someguy8

fonz said:


> People keep saying this sort of stuff on this forum,but how would you know how you would be with that much money? I know a lot more of my worries are about how I'm going to have enough money to get me through my life rather than my social skills...


I dont need money since my parents take care of that. Sure being a billionare would be nice but i cant get the things i really want with money. And social skills arent what i want.


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## loquaciousintrovert

I would be with a guy who had been a shut in for 12 years...as long as all the other things were in place, meaning he didn't treat me badly, swear at me, disrespect me or ignore me. If he treated me well and I connected with him, it wouldn't matter how he'd been living. Everyone has a past. It really wouldn't matter to me. You wouldn't care if a woman had been a shut it, why do you think no women could see past you being a shut in? Yes, some women would care and would reject you, but they're not worth your time at all.

As for the whole birth control thing...I totally get that. I don't want to have kids either. I am looking into a permanent method of birth control like a tubal ligation. For people who don't want kids ever, permanent methods are really the only way to go.


----------



## CopadoMexicano

ive been a hermit for 27 years..


----------



## TCyan

loquaciousintrovert said:


> I would be with a guy who had been a shut in for 12 years...as long as all the other things were in place, meaning he didn't treat me badly, swear at me, disrespect me or ignore me. If he treated me well and I connected with him, it wouldn't matter how he'd been living. Everyone has a past. It really wouldn't matter to me. You wouldn't care if a woman had been a shut it, why do you think no women could see past you being a shut in? Yes, some women would care and would reject you, but they're not worth your time at all.
> 
> As for the whole birth control thing...I totally get that. I don't want to have kids either. I am looking into a permanent method of birth control like a tubal ligation. For people who don't want kids ever, permanent methods are really the only way to go.


Well, it's not that I think no woman on earth could accept me for whom I am, but you have to admit there would be a very slim chance that I could find someone like you for example in my own city. It would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Not to mention the fact that I don't even go outside because of my panic attacks. Can't meet women if I don't go outside. The only women that could accept me are also the type that keep to themselves or are shut ins themselves. They aren't going to be out there in public places looking for guys like me. The biggest thing is not having a job. Even if a girl accepted me, I'd still feel too ashamed to date when I have no money.

There's online dating sites and all that, but I don't really feel comfortable putting a profile up and just telling it exactly how it is about me and expecting to find anyone interested in me that also lives near by.

I just don't have any self confidence in anything when it comes to meeting people. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

I'd like to think in a perfect scenario, that I would be a great boyfriend/husband. You don't want someone swearing at you? I don't swear at all (except to myself). You want someone to respect you? I can respect anyone. You don't want to be treated badly? I don't know how to treat anyone badly, other than what I'm currently doing to my parents by not trying. I suppose that counts as treating someone badly. But it's not intentional, I just don't know what else I can do. I'm stuck in this situation and don't want to change.


----------



## Cody88

TCyan said:


> Well, it's not that I think no woman on earth could accept me for whom I am, but you have to admit there would be a very slim chance that I could find someone like you for example in my own city. It would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Not to mention the fact that I don't even go outside because of my panic attacks. Can't meet women if I don't go outside. The only women that could accept me are also the type that keep to themselves or are shut ins themselves. They aren't going to be out there in public places looking for guys like me. The biggest thing is not having a job. Even if a girl accepted me, I'd still feel too ashamed to date when I have no money.
> 
> There's online dating sites and all that, but I don't really feel comfortable putting a profile up and just telling it exactly how it is about me and expecting to find anyone interested in me that also lives near by.
> 
> I just don't have any self confidence in anything when it comes to meeting people. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
> 
> I'd like to think in a perfect scenario, that I would be a great boyfriend/husband. You don't want someone swearing at you? I don't swear at all (except to myself). You want someone to respect you? I can respect anyone. You don't want to be treated badly? I don't know how to treat anyone badly, other than what I'm currently doing to my parents by not trying. I suppose that counts as treating someone badly. But it's not intentional, I just don't know what else I can do. I'm stuck in this situation and don't want to change.


You should try. Never give up. It's not too late. You're only 30. You could either try to get some jobs or go to college and get a career rolling by the time you're 34/35 and then women aren't going to care about your past  The worst thing we do is try to predict what people are going to think and then from not trying we create a self-fulfilling prophecy.


----------



## trendyfool

TCyan--I don't really know what to say, but I've had those same self-defeating thoughts before and not gone out of my house for days, even weeks in the past. Things can get better for you. The question is, do you really want them to change?

My guess is you do want your life to change. If you didn't, then why would you be complaining about it?

So then you have to realize that you're literally the only person in the world who can help yourself. Other people can offer you advice or money, but the only person who can things better for yourself, is you.

If you really want to get better, you're going to have to do it yourself. You're going to have to stop making excuses. Which is going to be very, very hard, because there are legitimate reasons why it would be hard for you to change your situation. But wouldn't you rather start getting out of your hole now rather than later? wouldn't you rather start today, instead of spending one month, one year, 10 years, in the life you live now?

Life is short. You have to do things, if you don't it's going to be over before you know it.


----------



## primalrose

TCyan said:


> Well, it's not that I think no woman on earth could accept me for whom I am, but you have to admit there would be a very slim chance that I could find someone like you for example in my own city. It would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Not to mention the fact that I don't even go outside because of my panic attacks. Can't meet women if I don't go outside. The only women that could accept me are also the type that keep to themselves or are shut ins themselves. They aren't going to be out there in public places looking for guys like me. The biggest thing is not having a job. Even if a girl accepted me, I'd still feel too ashamed to date when I have no money.
> 
> There's online dating sites and all that, but I don't really feel comfortable putting a profile up and just telling it exactly how it is about me and expecting to find anyone interested in me that also lives near by.
> 
> I just don't have any self confidence in anything when it comes to meeting people. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
> 
> I'd like to think in a perfect scenario, that I would be a great boyfriend/husband. You don't want someone swearing at you? I don't swear at all (except to myself). You want someone to respect you? I can respect anyone. You don't want to be treated badly? I don't know how to treat anyone badly, other than what I'm currently doing to my parents by not trying. I suppose that counts as treating someone badly. But it's not intentional, I just don't know what else I can do. I'm stuck in this situation and don't want to change.


Sorry you feel the way you do, when you have lived the way you have for so long, it feels like you're in a deep dark hole with no way out and I completely understand that. You feel you are so messed up there is no hope, but there always is. It's crushing to live with, and takes so much strength and motivation away. You tell yourself you don't want to change because it feels too overwhelming to even start.

Like I said, your urge/desire to step out there doesn't have to be about relationships. I think people like us have tendency to have crippling perfectionism; we don't want to even try to do anything unless its going to turn out perfect or as ideal as possible because we struggle to accept if it doesn't, but life is usually not like that and I often still struggle with that fact myself.

The number one thing that helped me started getting out more is accepting the fact that making mistakes is the way most of us learn and improve as human beings and even people who seem "perfect" often have plenty of problems of their own too. I still inferior with my poor social skills and lack of life experience but the only way to manage it is exposure, good or bad. The no. 1 thing is accepting that it's okay to fail and learn.


----------



## raindropsandflowers

I think it's cool that you are sharing your life for the world to see, or at least everybody on this board to see but you probably know what we are going to suggest to you.

The truth is you can't wait until your parent's die. I mean, it's good that you want to stay close to your family, which are good values but maybe you should try getting out there more? I mean it sounds like you want to do more things but your circumstances enable you? But don't allow yourself to be enabled anymore, do something about your current situation and go for something in life now while you have the chance. You may regret it and you only live once. You never know, your parents could live up to 90 years old and if your still living with them you may wish you could of done more in life. 

I say, go after your career girls, and it seems to me like you want a romantic relationship? But your not going to find one if you don't go outside the house and get a job and carry other responsbilities. I mean yes you may still get a girlfriend but eventually your gonna have to support the both of you, you can't be a kid in a marriage... lol

But I wish you the best of luck, I know it's hard to overcome social anxiety or enabling but sometimes you gotta make choices for yourself. You can't let excuses or your parents enabling truly enable you. I mean I'm 21 years old and my parent's are viewed as enablers because I am not forced to have a job but I still go to college and I know you can do it to. 

Well, bye and good luck and you need to get out there for your sake because you need to chase your dreams. Don't live life with regret and stuff. You can find the girl of your dreams, you can work toward the career you want, or you can do big things but ... God can only work with what you give Him.


----------



## raindropsandflowers

TCyan I read your other comments and you said your ashamed of dating a girl because... you don't have money. Which is understandable because usually the guy has to pay but you should explain to your girlfriend or potential girlfriend "Hey I'm looking for a job, and the least I can do is take you out to this place but with my parent's money I hope you don't mind but I am looking for a job right now.." If she's a nice enough girl she won't care and she'll understand and you can explain your life story but make sure this is in the process of GETTING YOUR LIFE ON TRACK.

Prove to her and yourself that your moving somewhere. I hope that's not rude sounding or arrogant sounding but... You sound like you want something better for yourself, but you can't be apathetic or lazy about it. You have to take initiative. Also if you drown yourself in self-pitying thoughts and focus on how much other people are enabling you, in reality you are enabling yourself.

And don't say "I don't want to change" because you DO that's why your on a forum to get encouragement and help from other sufferers of this disease or thorn at the side lol.. but we will all overcome.

You need to focus on moving somewhere.. But not just focusing.. I don't think you have a vision... 

Don't say "I know I need a job" actually thats a first step.. Make it more clear.. say "I want to go back to college, and become a teacher/dentist/firefighter".. Don't say "I can't get a girlfriend" Say "I can get a girlfriend.. if I continue working on myself and meeting new people." 

You got to take initiative in your life and not expect it to come to you or others to do it for you. I hope I'm not sounding like a jerk but.. If you want to do something.... Look at yourself.. Ask yourself:

CAREER QUESTIONS:

What would I be happy doing?

What does my personality entail my perfect job would be?

What job could I see myself excelling in and helping others in?

Will this job make me happy? Will this job give me purpose? 

How can I bless others with my job?

Do you want to be a dentist? A firefighter? A teacher? A musician? Hell even a person working at Taco Bell if that makes you happy. All I'm saying is...... Do something and the only way you can do something is 1. Applying for Jobs or 2. Applying for Colleges

You have MANY options. Like they say the world is your oyster. Find something that will make you happy and go after it but it will take ACTION.

I hope I'm not sounding like a jerk.... But if you want a girlfriend, if you want a career, you can't mope around all day... and expect it to come to you... You have to actually PUSH yourself....... WORK ON YOURSELF........... AND GO AFTER YOUR GOALS

This pastor or whatever I was listening to said "Be the person your looking for, person that they are looking for." or something along those lines which means.. If you want a nice girl .. Start becoming a nice girl.... Work on yourself basically... Do things that will improve you and make you happy.. And develop in you those things that will make your character thrive..

You did say that your nice already and respectable.. so maybe you don't need to work on your character as much.. You probably need to work on your GOALS more.. If you already have the personality type for a girlfriend PERFECT you don't need to work on your character.. You just need to expose yourself to woman you'd like to date... and talk to them..........

and also you need to work on your career goals for you.. and your future kids.. You want to inspire your family and be a leader in the household... If you want your kids to go to school and be industrious.. you have to set the example and this is not all about money... Its about making a difference in peoples lives (through your character importantly) but also using your talents to bless this world... We need teachers, we need dentists, we need construction men and woman we need nurses we need people in Retail/ House Keeping we need all those people to make the world go round

So since you already have niceness what you need is to push yourself more to become the person you want to see yourself being in the next 5-10 years.. You only live life once

So call a college, meet up with a college counselor and get yourself enrolled or look for a job or expose yourself to more women in a nice setting like a club or Church singles so you can get help and meet new friends and stuff


----------



## raindropsandflowers

Your blessed to be given the opportunity of everyone on this board telling you to do something with your life and telling you that life is too short. You should really take this message and apply it to your life. I'm sorry I hope I'm not sounding like a know it all prick but... We are trying to help you achieve something better for yourself and it's not going to happen if you keep staying in the house all day. I know that it can get hard suffering with social anxiety, I mean I have it myself so I may be a hypocrite but let me tell you this. You can do amazing things one day but only if you take the opportunity to do so.

I'm in college right now. So I'm imagining the stuff I can do. And all I'm saying is.... If you put a lot into helping yourself instead of making excuses for yourself and if you actually take initiative and be assertive in your goals, and call people up, or call up a college or organization you can get somewhere.

All you have to do is try.

Video games are fun but they don't suffice. I'm not saying you should feel horrible about your situation or yourself.... If all of us wanted to we could ALL feel sorry for ourselves.. and sometimes its okay and normal to but... Right now.. You sound like you want something out of life.. And you can get it.

What I'd suggest is... You make a list of what you want to do... The girl you'd like to meet... and WAIT for the girl.. WAIT for the RIGHT GIRL and go after your career goals... Be goal oriented. Volunteer.

Say "mom and dad, I'm not letting you enable me anymore" they probably enable you either because 1. they are enablers or 2. They thought you liked being enabled...

Your parents are already proud of you I'm sure... But think of how happy they will be when they see their son doing things that he wants to do and getting out there?

I REALLY hope you use your skills and do something big with your life BECAUSE YOU CAN, YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE. And I hope you meet the right girl.

This will all come in time. Don't rush the girl thing but as for the career thing.. You can get it. Also a nice place to meet a girl.. Could be here:

1. Clubs (Not like the Raves but like a Sports Club)
2. Hang out, ask friends (you need more of a social life.. seriously hang out with your friends lol I'm not saying that to be mean but you'd probably enjoy having friends around but make sure they are people you like lol)
3. The Gym (get a gym membership if you don't have one.. if you work out you'll feel better and you can meet a nice girl there probably)
4. Church lol

And I'd say I'm not sure if your spiritual but it doesn't hurt to ask God things you probably already ask Him if you are.. But I mean if you aren't spiritual it wouldn't hurt asking God for help.......

But dude.. Here are some quotes from The Bible

You should Live by this verse or a matter of fact we all should:

Ecclesiastes 9:10

10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

That means if you wanna do something you better do it now because once you die your life is over so make the moments and memories COUNT.

I'm not saying your lazy, but your main goal is to be diligent (hard working or working towards something)

Proverbs 10:4
Lazy hands make for poverty, *but diligent hands bring wealth*.

Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Good Luck Dude, and I hope I wasn't too hard on you.. but I think the first step that will get you anywhere.. is actually Creating a PLan that will help you move yourself to something better.

Don't just accept your problem like it's no big deal.. Face the problem and go after your dreams and most of all be happy.. You can be successful use the talents God has given you, and reach out to the world with that

God will give you somebody just wait or maybe you can ask Him Good Luck


----------



## TCyan

Cody88 said:


> You should try. Never give up. It's not too late. You're only 30. You could either try to get some jobs or go to college and get a career rolling by the time you're 34/35 and then women aren't going to care about your past  The worst thing we do is try to predict what people are going to think and then from not trying we create a self-fulfilling prophecy.


I know not everyone reads this entire thread, but I have said several times that I can't just go outside in public without having panic attacks. Everyone keeps saying "You should try and go outside..." Why? I just have panic attacks every time. It's not worth it.



trendyfool said:


> TCyan--I don't really know what to say, but I've had those same self-defeating thoughts before and not gone out of my house for days, even weeks in the past. Things can get better for you. The question is, do you really want them to change?
> 
> My guess is you do want your life to change. If you didn't, then why would you be complaining about it?
> 
> So then you have to realize that you're literally the only person in the world who can help yourself. Other people can offer you advice or money, but the only person who can things better for yourself, is you.
> 
> If you really want to get better, you're going to have to do it yourself. You're going to have to stop making excuses. Which is going to be very, very hard, because there are legitimate reasons why it would be hard for you to change your situation. But wouldn't you rather start getting out of your hole now rather than later? wouldn't you rather start today, instead of spending one month, one year, 10 years, in the life you live now?
> 
> Life is short. You have to do things, if you don't it's going to be over before you know it.


I don't feel like I'm complaining. I've said over and over how I enjoy living this way. I'm only answering peoples questions and in those answers, they might sound like complaining.

I like being this way. My only complaint is what I'm putting my parents through. But I refuse to try to change.



primalrose said:


> Sorry you feel the way you do, when you have lived the way you have for so long, it feels like you're in a deep dark hole with no way out and I completely understand that. You feel you are so messed up there is no hope, but there always is. It's crushing to live with, and takes so much strength and motivation away. You tell yourself you don't want to change because it feels too overwhelming to even start.
> 
> Like I said, your urge/desire to step out there doesn't have to be about relationships. I think people like us have tendency to have crippling perfectionism; we don't want to even try to do anything unless its going to turn out perfect or as ideal as possible because we struggle to accept if it doesn't, but life is usually not like that and I often still struggle with that fact myself.
> 
> The number one thing that helped me started getting out more is accepting the fact that making mistakes is the way most of us learn and improve as human beings and even people who seem "perfect" often have plenty of problems of their own too. I still inferior with my poor social skills and lack of life experience but the only way to manage it is exposure, good or bad. The no. 1 thing is accepting that it's okay to fail and learn.


I just don't have any motivation to change. I'm extremely fearful of failure.

---

And to everything raindropsandflowers, I can't do anything you suggest because I cannot go outside at all without having panic attacks. Just being around people give me panic attacks. I am allergic to people. I wasn't saying I want a relationship either. That's the last thing I want. I like being alone.

A lot of people that suggest me thing think all I need to do is go outside and hang around people and everything will magically change. That is not going to happen. Nobody seems to understand how it is for me. It's like you're telling me to grow wings and fly away.


----------



## Zeeshan

TCyan said:


> I know not everyone reads this entire thread, but I have said several times that I can't just go outside in public without having panic attacks. Everyone keeps saying "You should try and go outside..." Why? I just have panic attacks every time. It's not worth it.
> 
> I don't feel like I'm complaining. I've said over and over how I enjoy living this way. I'm only answering peoples questions and in those answers, they might sound like complaining.
> 
> I like being this way. My only complaint is what I'm putting my parents through. But I refuse to try to change.
> 
> I just don't have any motivation to change. I'm extremely fearful of failure.
> 
> ---
> 
> And to everything raindropsandflowers, I can't do anything you suggest because I cannot go outside at all without having panic attacks. Just being around people give me panic attacks. I am allergic to people. I wasn't saying I want a relationship either. That's the last thing I want. I like being alone.
> 
> A lot of people that suggest me thing think all I need to do is go outside and hang around people and everything will magically change. That is not going to happen. Nobody seems to understand how it is for me. It's like you're telling me to grow wings and fly away.


Maybe you should write a book about the nothingness that is your life. I bet it could become a best seller, and many will study you for years to come.


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## TCyan

Zeeshan said:


> Maybe you should write a book about the nothingness that is your life. I bet it could become a best seller, and many will study you for years to come.


Not interested in writing, reading, or anything productive for that matter.


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## trendyfool

TCyan said:


> I don't feel like I'm complaining. I've said over and over how I enjoy living this way. I'm only answering peoples questions and in those answers, they might sound like complaining.
> 
> I like being this way. My only complaint is what I'm putting my parents through. But I refuse to try to change.
> 
> I just don't have any motivation to change. I'm extremely fearful of failure.


okay, I was just trying to be helpful :/ but I guess I'm out of my depth here. And you don't believe you need to be helped, so yeah...


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## TCyan

trendyfool said:


> okay, I was just trying to be helpful :/ but I guess I'm out of my depth here. And you don't believe you need to be helped, so yeah...


It's okay. I know a lot of people think I'm looking for help, but I'm not. I only made this topic for the sole purpose to vent.

Now this topic is more or less helping others besides me that are in a similar situation as me, which I think is great.

If there is anyone out there reading this topic, and realizing they don't want to end up like me, maybe they can do something about it now before it's too late.


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## Zeeshan

TCyan said:


> Not interested in writing, reading, or anything
> productive for that matter.


You were concerned about finances in your life after your parents die, this could be the reason to do it


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## TCyan

Zeeshan said:


> You were concerned about finances in your life after your parents die, this could be the reason to do it


I don't care what happens to me after my parents are gone.


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## CopadoMexicano

I dont have any parents to help me. it sucks but i can barely function just fighting and trying to hide the anxiety that the police are out to get me for being macho. boy are the consequences rediculous.


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## primalrose

You have to have some desire to change, some measure of hope to do something...if you truly didn't care, you would not be here responding to everybody's post and keeping track of this thread for so long. Your motivation is surely more then just wanting to vent, especially if you're so content with your life?


----------



## Reposada

I don't want to change and I love this board - at least this thread. I think many of us who have disorders are fascinated by them - maybe that's not true in TCyan's case, but it is in mine. I didn't have the opportunity to be happy at home (my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder ai yi yi so that would have been hell on earth) but my happiest times are quiet, "non achieving" times, like fantasizing, watching tv and dvds, singing and dancing to music by myself, reading and posting on message boards - hey, it's a good life.

I had lots of jobs and those times were my most miserable times. Raising my children, who I really do love - but those were my most difficult times, and still are. I love my husband but the "romance" thing biologically fades after about 4 years and most people end up either screwing around, getting divorced, or as my hubby and I have done - we just do our own thing, each in his or her own room, watching tv, reading, all of the above, lol, most of the time.

What IS life? Why can't it be what you want it to be, as long as you aren't actively hurting other people? And good heavens, there are so many who are out there in the world, very active, and trying to hurt other people every day of their lives, due to envy or lust or greed or hatred... I mean sheesh - what an innocent little "disease" this is -- the desire to be left alone.

And if we want to peek in to a message board, even if we don't want advice and help out of a disorder we have, but just want to -- well whatever -- what's wrong with that? Well, I've already said too much on this thread, but I don't understand the anger. Sympathy or sadness - maybe even desperation to break through when you believe you can 'save' someone, but I think harsh criticism just makes the situation worse. I think this has been a very informative post - and even an encouraging one. 

For many people, Step One is stop being ashamed. Accept you have this disorder. So what? For many, that's the cure. You'd be amazed at how many people stay in acute distress because they can't just "own" who they are and what they have. I think that's part of the allure of this thread -- so many worry about what others think -- how shameful it all is -- blah blah... 

In the panoply of human issues, this is a wee innocent little one -- now it can kill you, if it's bad enough -- but it's nothing to be ashamed about (there was a time when no one could admit they had cancer it was so shrouded in shame -- I think social anxiety, agoraphobia, and avoidant personality disorder, etc., are like that now.) Step One -- it's not the possessor's fault! Maybe it can't be cured, but it can be accepted and faced - and for some, that IS the cure. I wish that was true for TCyan, but I believe he's helped many people by posting his story with unflinching honesty.


----------



## ndh505

TCyan is an attention seeker. He created this thread after realizing that he had frittered away 12 years of his life, hoping to receive love, pity and compassion he desires so much. He must be euphoric nowadays, since more than 20,000 people have visited this thread and hundreds of people have tried to enlighten him in vain. As long as this deluge of attention continues undeterred, he will be glad to wallow in complacency and self-destruction because he craves attention so much and any attempt to change his situation will threaten it. 

Before this thread, he was nobody, nonhuman, nonentity - now he is able to deceive himself that he is in control of his life, since every single time someone tells him it's wrong to live this way, he can simply refuse to listen, which gives him an illusion of power and significance. Also, by revealing to the world that he is a miserable pariah, he has managed to give himself a unique identity, namely, a pitiable loser plunging toward the nadir of his pathetic life, whereas before this thread his entire existence was amorphous, void and meaningless. 

He must shiver with twisted excitement whenever he moans and whines that he is a hopelss good-for-nothing, why he is ready to embrace death, why he has to choose this crappy existence, why his life is irrevocably stranded and so on. Who knows? Perhaps he gets horny while doing this. Morbid to the max, I'd say, something that transcends most people's imagination, but nothing is impossible with a person like TCyan.

The only solution to this problem, I think, is to ignore him. We have to ignore him completely and mercilessly. He won't find any motivation to change when he can just screw around for an eternity devouring all the attention we're giving him. Only when he realizes that his life has turned into hideous junk will he be able to see the ugly truth that he has been eluding for 12 years. I'm not sure whether he will decide to do something with his life or just let himself fade away and join the scum of this planet, but that's the only way to give him a chance. It's bloody obvious that it's uselss to reason with him when he will not listen to a word we say, so I suggest we treat him like an invisible subhuman he is. Stop giving him attention, or he will continue this charade for another 12 years.


----------



## theJdogg

Change if you want. It's up to you. If the rewards are high enough for you to leave the house, you will. I was tempted to do the same thing but could not trash the few goals I had made for myself. We, SAers, don't got it easy, but with persistence, we can change a great deal and accomplish a lot. Again, it's your choice. No one can tell you what to do.


----------



## a degree of freedom

ndh505 said:


> TCyan is an attention seeker. He created this thread after realizing that he had frittered away 12 years of his life, hoping to receive love, pity and compassion he desires so much. He must be euphoric nowadays, since more than 20,000 people have visited this thread and hundreds of people have tried to enlighten him in vain. As long as this deluge of attention continues undeterred, he will be glad to wallow in complacency and self-destruction because he craves attention so much and any attempt to change his situation will threaten it.
> 
> ...
> 
> The only solution to this problem, I think, is to ignore him. We have to ignore him completely and mercilessly. ...


ndh505 ... I feel your pain, or if not that, at least this post touched me deeply in particular. I could have written something so much like this, and it wouldn't have been from a good place. I'm just really sorry and want to say I know how you feel ... whether or not you would accept it, as I likely would not have.


----------



## ndh505

antireconciler said:


> ndh505 ... I feel your pain, or if not that, at least this post touched me deeply in particular. I could have written something so much like this, and it wouldn't have been from a good place. I'm just really sorry and want to say I know how you feel ... whether or not you would accept it, as I likely would not have.


So you don't like my theory? Then what do you suggest as the solution? This thread has reached 24 pages and he's just repeating that he's powerless, hopeless and meaningless. Frankly, I think we can't just go on like this.

P.S. By the way, you're right in saying that my situation is awful. That's why I think I know why TCyan is acting this way, because he became a recluse when he was a teenager. I won't purport to be a amateur psychologist but even I know that this kind of thing is the most egregious mistake socially awkward teenagers can make out of immaturity. I think he should correct that mistake now instead of letting that single mistake overwhelm his completely, and since every attempt to persuade him has failed, I can't but think the only way to get out of this quagmire is to ignore him.


----------



## a degree of freedom

ndh505 said:


> So you don't like my theory? Then what do you suggest as the solution? This thread has reached 24 pages and he's just repeating that he's powerless, hopeless and meaningless. Frankly, I think we can't just go on like this.
> 
> P.S. By the way, you're right in saying that my situation is awful. That's why I think I know why TCyan is acting this way, because he became a recluse when he was a teenager. I won't purport to be a amateur psychologist but even I know that this kind of thing is the most egregious mistake socially awkward teenagers can make out of immaturity. I think he should correct that mistake now instead of letting that single mistake overwhelm his completely, and since every attempt to persuade him has failed, I can't but think the only way to get out of this quagmire is to ignore him.


Maybe. I'm really just not up to theorizing about it. Only TCyan can live TCyan's life and make TCyan's decisions and live with the consequences.

But all things change. Nothing is forever. I've heard it said that free will certainly allows us to _waste time_ or to _save time_, but it is always finite.


----------



## Despina83

I sympathize with the original poster, but I think we all know that the best thing your parents could do would be to say either they're taking you in to talk to someone and get some help, or they're going to kick you out onto the street. It sounds harsh, but you know that you need to be driven to get professional help, even if they have to drag you kicking and screaming into that car. You say that all the meds you tried when you were a teenager just made things worse. A lot of time has gone by since then, has it not? I'm pretty sure there would be more options for you after all these years, and with the advances in medicine. If it's explained to them what affect your previous meds had on you, it's not like they're going to make you try them again. They're going to look in other directions. I believe that they would be able to help you if you just said to hell with it, this is no way to live, and let your parents take you to see someone. You think you're happy now, but when they do find the right treatment and meds for you, you're going to look back and be amazed at how much real happiness you've been missing. You're going to be SO glad you did it.

You're an intelligent guy, plain to see from your posts, and you're obviously attractive if you've had girls interested in you in the past. There's no reason in the world why a girl couldn't fall in love with you. Remember how good it felt when you were a teenager. You can have that again, and you *will* have that again. IF you take that first step, no matter how scary it might be. Force yourself to go outside, even just to sit. Start out by staying close to the house, so you feel like you're only a step or two away from "safety". And just RIDE out the panic. Force yourself to do it. A therapist wil HELP you to do this. Yeah, there's always going to be the risk of pain and suffering out in the world (there's plenty to go around), but at least you're LIVING. You're contributing to society. You'll gain so much self esteem.

But the bottom line is, if you're not willing to go get help, then your parents need to give an ultimatum: come with us or be kicked out. That's saving your life. Right now they're letting you waste away and throw away all your potential. You only get one life, don't flush it down the toilet.


----------



## TCyan

primalrose said:


> You have to have some desire to change, some measure of hope to do something...if you truly didn't care, you would not be here responding to everybody's post and keeping track of this thread for so long. Your motivation is surely more then just wanting to vent, especially if you're so content with your life?


I could just leave this site and not return if I really wanted. I really honestly 100% truthfully don't care about my life and will gladly stay that way I am for as long as I can. Then once the time comes, that's it, done, finished.



Reposada said:


> I don't want to change and I love this board - at least this thread. I think many of us who have disorders are fascinated by them - maybe that's not true in TCyan's case, but it is in mine. I didn't have the opportunity to be happy at home (my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder ai yi yi so that would have been hell on earth) but my happiest times are quiet, "non achieving" times, like fantasizing, watching tv and dvds, singing and dancing to music by myself, reading and posting on message boards - hey, it's a good life.
> 
> I had lots of jobs and those times were my most miserable times. Raising my children, who I really do love - but those were my most difficult times, and still are. I love my husband but the "romance" thing biologically fades after about 4 years and most people end up either screwing around, getting divorced, or as my hubby and I have done - we just do our own thing, each in his or her own room, watching tv, reading, all of the above, lol, most of the time.
> 
> What IS life? Why can't it be what you want it to be, as long as you aren't actively hurting other people? And good heavens, there are so many who are out there in the world, very active, and trying to hurt other people every day of their lives, due to envy or lust or greed or hatred... I mean sheesh - what an innocent little "disease" this is -- the desire to be left alone.
> 
> And if we want to peek in to a message board, even if we don't want advice and help out of a disorder we have, but just want to -- well whatever -- what's wrong with that? Well, I've already said too much on this thread, but I don't understand the anger. Sympathy or sadness - maybe even desperation to break through when you believe you can 'save' someone, but I think harsh criticism just makes the situation worse. I think this has been a very informative post - and even an encouraging one.
> 
> For many people, Step One is stop being ashamed. Accept you have this disorder. So what? For many, that's the cure. You'd be amazed at how many people stay in acute distress because they can't just "own" who they are and what they have. I think that's part of the allure of this thread -- so many worry about what others think -- how shameful it all is -- blah blah...
> 
> In the panoply of human issues, this is a wee innocent little one -- now it can kill you, if it's bad enough -- but it's nothing to be ashamed about (there was a time when no one could admit they had cancer it was so shrouded in shame -- I think social anxiety, agoraphobia, and avoidant personality disorder, etc., are like that now.) Step One -- it's not the possessor's fault! Maybe it can't be cured, but it can be accepted and faced - and for some, that IS the cure. I wish that was true for TCyan, but I believe he's helped many people by posting his story with unflinching honesty.


Great post.

-----------

ndh505, You've got me all figured out. You are right. I do like the attention. I could never find a forum until now that would listen to what I had to say, and give me so many responses in return asking me so many questions. It does make me feel like I'm someone now. Maybe I will just stick around for another 12 years answering questions and saying I don't want help. Why should you care about what I do? I think I will just stick around until this topic either closes, gets deleted, or I get banned or this site dies. Once that happens, I'm not going to remake the topic. Maybe I'll move on to another forum? Maybe I'll just stop talking to people online all together after this.

Honestly, this is the first time in 12 years that I've socialized with people online at this level. I've been to other forums, but never ever typed so much in my life. So, just let me live the way I want. Let me have my 5 minutes of fame. Quit caring about what I'm doing. One day, this topic will purge and you'll never see me again. I promise.


----------



## Reposada

ndh505 said:


> TCyan is an attention seeker. He created this thread after realizing that he had frittered away 12 years of his life, hoping to receive love, pity and compassion he desires so much. He must be euphoric nowadays, since more than 20,000 people have visited this thread and hundreds of people have tried to enlighten him in vain. As long as this deluge of attention continues undeterred, he will be glad to wallow in complacency and self-destruction because he craves attention so much and any attempt to change his situation will threaten it.
> 
> Before this thread, he was nobody, nonhuman, nonentity - now he is able to deceive himself that he is in control of his life, since every single time someone tells him it's wrong to live this way, he can simply refuse to listen, which gives him an illusion of power and significance. Also, by revealing to the world that he is a miserable pariah, he has managed to give himself a unique identity, namely, a pitiable loser plunging toward the nadir of his pathetic life, whereas before this thread his entire existence was amorphous, void and meaningless.
> 
> He must shiver with twisted excitement whenever he moans and whines that he is a hopelss good-for-nothing, why he is ready to embrace death, why he has to choose this crappy existence, why his life is irrevocably stranded and so on. Who knows? Perhaps he gets horny while doing this. Morbid to the max, I'd say, something that transcends most people's imagination, but nothing is impossible with a person like TCyan.
> 
> The only solution to this problem, I think, is to ignore him. We have to ignore him completely and mercilessly. He won't find any motivation to change when he can just screw around for an eternity devouring all the attention we're giving him. Only when he realizes that his life has turned into hideous junk will he be able to see the ugly truth that he has been eluding for 12 years. I'm not sure whether he will decide to do something with his life or just let himself fade away and join the scum of this planet, but that's the only way to give him a chance. It's bloody obvious that it's uselss to reason with him when he will not listen to a word we say, so I suggest we treat him like an invisible subhuman he is. Stop giving him attention, or he will continue this charade for another 12 years.


Good heavens. "scum of this planet?" "invisible subhuman"? Because he won't listen to you?? By the way, your pal Nietzsche went insane around age 40 and lived the rest of his life in asylums (or taken care of by his mother and sister, the only ones who'd put up with his ravings about "scum of this planet" and "invisible subhumans".) And he also intentionally became a recluse! I may have some of the details wrong but I'm close - WHY isn't your cruelty a worse "disorder" than TCyan's social phobia?

To my mind it is. Cruelty to a human being, especially one with an admittedly serious disorder, is unconscionable. Who made you read this thread? Why do you want to inflict pain and scorn on him? I think your post is far more reflective of problems that YOU have than problems that he has. Please don't come to this thread anymore because I'm very hurt and shocked by such horrific ad hominem attacks upon someone because they're honestly confessing their struggles with agoraphobia, in a calm, detached manner. I'm sure if he were begging for help, you'd find him "socially acceptable" but how dare someone look a reality in the face and define it, objectively.

I can only assume you don't really believe there IS such a thing as true agoraphobia or avoidant (or schizoid/schizotypal) personality disorders, and personality disorders are famously un-changeable, as they're ingrained within the personality itself - I'm not saying TCyan has this but that's basically the definition of personality disorders - they can seldom be treated, though some people do "grow out of them" - at least the gentler ones like Avoidant and Borderline. Would you beat someone up for having cancer? Most PD's simply cannot be helped; even famous psychoanalysts such as Freud, Klein, Kernberg, etc., concur. What - you know more than they do?

Antisocial Personality Disorder - where people get pleasure from hurting other people - now there's one that no one has figured out how to treat and it tends to be stable throughout life, even moreso than the others... There's your "scum of the earth". Oh well - where was I? I clearly remember multiple people saying they had been HELPED by reading this thread that TCyan started. Are you angry that they've said they've been helped? Do you hate us all or just the ones who won't comply with your demands that they act in accordance with what you define as acceptable? His life isn't up to YOU. And this is a great thread for ME. It's helped me a great deal. Does that make you hate me too? Where is this rage coming from?

It's a rare person who can clinically describe his own predicament, with clarity and calm, and that sort of thing is riveting, on a board that's meant to be a "support" for people with similar problems, people such as me. He's stated more than once that it's a "warning" to others - a lightpost to help the confused and desperate - and the multitude of "advice" posts have helped a lot of people. It's the most interesting thread on this board, imo, and I've tried to find others where there's more than platitudes after a plaintive cry for help. What we need is to look this disease in the eyes and "see it", in all its forms, from relatively benign to hopeless. It's a rare and special person who can do that, and stand up to such disdain as yours, and I applaud him for it.


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## ndh505

TCyan said:


> ndh505, You've got me all figured out. You are right. I do like the attention. I could never find a forum until now that would listen to what I had to say, and give me so many responses in return asking me so many questions. It does make me feel like I'm someone now. Maybe I will just stick around for another 12 years answering questions and saying I don't want help. Why should you care about what I do? I think I will just stick around until this topic either closes, gets deleted, or I get banned or this site dies. Once that happens, I'm not going to remake the topic. Maybe I'll move on to another forum? Maybe I'll just stop talking to people online all together after this.
> 
> Honestly, this is the first time in 12 years that I've socialized with people online at this level. I've been to other forums, but never ever typed so much in my life. So, just let me live the way I want. Let me have my 5 minutes of fame. Quit caring about what I'm doing. One day, this topic will purge and you'll never see me again. I promise.


So you do enjoy this situation. I knew you wouldn't deny it. Now I'm absolutely sure that cutting off the flow of attention is the best remedy for your SA. Other people will persist with this meaningless exchange of words for at least months to come without knowing that they're only exacerbating your disease, but I can't do anything about it, I guess. You'll be able to relish your small fame on this site. Congratulations.

By the way, you've been obstinately refusing to listen to anyone for months on end, but people are still concerned about you. So, if you tell them you're actually going to do something, how glad they will be? No matter how crappy the real world is, you always have all these people caring about you. You could give it a try, and if it turns out well, you'll be receiving real love and connection from real people, not pitying posts of anoynmous strangers.

Of course, I know you're vitually deaf and this post is meaningless. I understand why you live like this, but I can't pity you, because you've chosen this life by yourself, not the other way round. Running away is not the solution. You failed to see it at 18, and there's nothing wrong in it, but now you're 30 and you haven't grown up a bit. I'm glad I'm not going to be like you. My life sucks but at least I'm still alive, whereas your life is serene but you're already dead. I despise you, and knowing your existence was one of the crappiest experiences of my life.


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## ndh505

To Reposada : Sorry, but your polemic doesn't move me. Apparently, you think he's a helpless victim and suicide is euthanasia for him. And I disagree with your view. I don't think he's helpless. I don't think he has the right to kill himself. I don't think he's "looking this demon in the eyes". I think he's a despicable person who refuses to listen to anyone's plea, and that's why I'm angry. If he tries to change his situation for, say, a year, returns to this forum and announces he's truly hopeless, then I might agree there's no way for him. But he's repeatedly said that he doesn't want to try from the beginning. I hate this.


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## Cornerstone

ndh505 said:


> Only when he realizes that his life has turned into hideous junk will he be able to see the ugly truth that he has been eluding for 12 years..


Who says a normal life, with a career and a wife and a kid and a dog, isn't, in the final analysis, equally hideous junk...


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> I'm glad I'm not going to be like you.


Which was the point of this topic.



ndh505 said:


> I despise you, and knowing your existence was one of the crappiest experiences of my life.


I hope you have a wonderful life that you enjoy someday.


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## trendyfool

ndh505 said:


> So you do enjoy this situation. I knew you wouldn't deny it. Now I'm absolutely sure that cutting off the flow of attention is the best remedy for your SA. Other people will persist with this meaningless exchange of words for at least months to come without knowing that they're only exacerbating your disease, but I can't do anything about it, I guess. You'll be able to relish your small fame on this site. Congratulations.
> 
> By the way, you've been obstinately refusing to listen to anyone for months on end, but people are still concerned about you. So, if you tell them you're actually going to do something, how glad they will be? No matter how crappy the real world is, you always have all these people caring about you. You could give it a try, and if it turns out well, you'll be receiving real love and connection from real people, not pitying posts of anoynmous strangers.
> 
> Of course, I know you're vitually deaf and this post is meaningless. I understand why you live like this, but I can't pity you, because you've chosen this life by yourself, not the other way round. Running away is not the solution. You failed to see it at 18, and there's nothing wrong in it, but now you're 30 and you haven't grown up a bit. I'm glad I'm not going to be like you. My life sucks but at least I'm still alive, whereas your life is serene but you're already dead. I despise you, and knowing your existence was one of the crappiest experiences of my life.


jesus. you shouldn't despise this person, he just needs to be helped. think about how miserable he must be inside, the last thing he needs is to be hated.


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## Reposada

ndh505 said:


> To Reposada : Sorry, but your polemic doesn't move me. Apparently, you think he's a helpless victim and suicide is euthanasia for him. And I disagree with your view. I don't think he's helpless. I don't think he has the right to kill himself. I don't think he's "looking this demon in the eyes". I think he's a despicable person who refuses to listen to anyone's plea, and that's why I'm angry. If he tries to change his situation for, say, a year, returns to this forum and announces he's truly hopeless, then I might agree there's no way for him. But he's repeatedly said that he doesn't want to try from the beginning. I hate this.


Your mentioning of the 20,000+ views this thread has gotten. I think you're envious. I'm not sure why - I'll think about it. But your reaction has a very toxic side to it. If you "hate this" why are you continuing to read and post in this thread? There are many many many other threads here. Do you feel the need to "control" what's going on on this board among the other members who've said they've gained knowledge and help from this thread? And I've offered TCyan loads of advice - I don't want him to give up and kill himself - I think he may "grow out" of his condition. But I'm not angry with him.

He has a disease and he's posting in a forum about the disease! For heaven's sake, you'd think he'd plucked you off the street, thrown you down and made you listen! Stop being jealous of the number of views and get on with YOUR life instead of being cruel to a fellow human being. That's the only "real" disablity in this world, in my opinion. But when someone is inexplicably drawn to what he says is "despicable" - hmmmm. Control-freak-ism? Is he hitting a nerve - some fear or issue that you have that he's exposing? Believing the situation is hopeless is extremely common with agoraphobia, for heaven's sake. If you can't accept someone admitting how they feel, honestly, then don't you see that you have a problem? Please try to cultivate 'compassion.' Anger and hatred will ruin your life - if something as minor as this can make you so rageful, then I think you may have a major problem you need to address.


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## trendyfool

Reposada said:


> Your mentioning of the 20,000+ views this thread has gotten. I think you're envious. I'm not sure why - I'll think about it. But your reaction has a very toxic side to it. If you "hate this" why are you continuing to read and post in this thread? There are many many many other threads here. Do you feel the need to "control" what's going on on this board among the other members who've said they've gained knowledge and help from this thread? And I've offered TCyan loads of advice - I don't want him to give up and kill himself - I think he may "grow out" of his condition. But I'm not angry with him.
> 
> He has a disease and he's posting in a forum about the disease! For heaven's sake, you'd think he'd plucked you off the street, thrown you down and made you listen! Stop being jealous of the number of views and get on with YOUR life instead of being cruel to a fellow human being. That's the only "real" disablity in this world, in my opinion. But when someone is inexplicably drawn to what he or she says is "despicable" - hmmmm. Sadism? Is he hitting a nerve - some fear or issue that you have that he's exposing? Believing the situation is hopeless is extremely common with agoraphobia, for heaven's sake. If you can't accept someone admitting how they feel, honestly, then don't you see that you have a problem? Please try to cultivate 'compassion.' Anger and hatred will ruin your life - if something as minor as this can make you so rageful, then I think you may have a major problem you need to address.


this!


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## ndh505

Reposada said:


> Your mentioning of the 20,000+ views this thread has gotten. I think you're envious. I'm not sure why - I'll think about it. But your reaction has a very toxic side to it. If you "hate this" why are you continuing to read and post in this thread? There are many many many other threads here. Do you feel the need to "control" what's going on on this board among the other members who've said they've gained knowledge and help from this thread? And I've offered TCyan loads of advice - I don't want him to give up and kill himself - I think he may "grow out" of his condition. But I'm not angry with him.
> 
> He has a disease and he's posting in a forum about the disease! For heaven's sake, you'd think he'd plucked you off the street, thrown you down and made you listen! Stop being jealous of the number of views and get on with YOUR life instead of being cruel to a fellow human being. That's the only "real" disablity in this world, in my opinion. But when someone is inexplicably drawn to what he says is "despicable" - hmmmm. Control-freak-ism? Is he hitting a nerve - some fear or issue that you have that he's exposing? Believing the situation is hopeless is extremely common with agoraphobia, for heaven's sake. If you can't accept someone admitting how they feel, honestly, then don't you see that you have a problem? Please try to cultivate 'compassion.' Anger and hatred will ruin your life - if something as minor as this can make you so rageful, then I think you may have a major problem you need to address.


Are you curious why I have to be such a jerk? Because everybody else - with a few exceptions - has been super nice to him for months and it hasn't touched him a bit. Just think about all the compassionate posts he has received. Did they change him a bit? No. Isn't it obvious that your warm-hearted approach doesn't work? You say you don't want him to kill himself, but then how are you going to rescue him? Of course, now I see my approach is totally useless, and while I believe ignoring him is the solution, I know it won't happen, so I guess he will just end up killing himself.

Yeah, he's "hitting a nerve", as you say, because his present life is something I'm crazily afraid of. Yeah, I'm getting drawn to something I despise. I guess it's because I'm perilously close to winding up in his position and know no one should choose a path like this. I think it's some kind of self-hatred, if you understand. To you, he may appear like a symbolic martyr, but to me, he represents all the things I suffer from and fear.

Nonetheless, I admit this is getting ridiculous and I have lots of real-world problems to address. You're right in that. Thanks.

P.S. Let's assume that an 18-year-old member on this forum announces he's hopelessly agoraphobic, so he's going to be a shut-in, plays video games for the last of his life and kills himself when his parents pass away. What would you tell him? Would you say he is free to do it because it's not his fault that he has SA?


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## weiweidav

ndh505 said:


> So you don't like my theory? Then what do you suggest as the solution? This thread has reached 24 pages and he's just repeating that he's powerless, hopeless and meaningless. Frankly, I think we can't just go on like this.
> 
> P.S. By the way, you're right in saying that my situation is awful. That's why I think I know why TCyan is acting this way, because he became a recluse when he was a teenager. I won't purport to be a amateur psychologist but even I know that this kind of thing is the most egregious mistake socially awkward teenagers can make out of immaturity. I think he should correct that mistake now instead of letting that single mistake overwhelm his completely, and since every attempt to persuade him has failed, I can't but think the only way to get out of this quagmire is to ignore him.


who cant go on? noone said u have to worry about him, THIS THREAD ISNT ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN HEARING HIS FEELINGS. HE STATED THAT IN LIKE HIS FIRST POST.

yea he seems to keep saying he cant change. yes, hes seeking attention, he wants ppl to hear his story. doesnt everybody wants to be heard. 20,000 ppl willingly came onto this thread to hear it. 
u seem determined that he cud do better, tell me have u lived 1 day as Tcyan? have u had panic attacks so severe that u shake uncontrollably whenever ur around ppl??? i cant say i am as severe as he is, BUT i have very similar problems that my muscles in my body have tensed up and i cant even smile that it hurts so bad, i cant turn my neck, my hands are constantly shaking. i wud say that he has every reason to feel the way that he does. ur definitely ignorant, ive known ppl like u b4.

one of my family friends parent which ive known ever since i was small, in the early days when i became a wreck, i had to stay at her house for a while and she was one of these ppl. she thought she knew everything. she thinks anyone that gets tossed into the ocean will learn to swim. i often cud hardly breathe cuz i had similar panic attacks, all day. and she tried to make me go out on my own and get a flat, find a job, and start living normally (I WAS NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS CITY AT ALL BTW, and knew almost no one).


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## mom901

@TCyan and reposada: TCyan :what do you think would have happened if your parents had done what reposada suggests and given you the ultimatum of see a therapist (stick with it too) or get out? My son is on the way to becoming you, 24 now & not so far gone but won't go to a doctor or listen to any suggestions about his SA. Reposada, his dad won't entertain the idea of the ultimatum for one second, and I have to admit I wouldn't have the fortitude either. he would be on the street.
TCyan: your posts have helped and your further insights will help more, if you can prevent one other person from getting in your situation. Therefore, your life has meaning despite what you say! Before I found this site I felt alone for having a son like this.


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## Cornerstone

It's true. People like ndh505 are probably kinder and more helpful than "enabling", pitying people (who are a big part of the problem), although on the surface they may appear angry and mean.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> If he tries to change his situation for, say, a year, returns to this forum and announces he's truly hopeless, then I might agree there's no way for him.


But, I did try out living a normal life for a year. I did mention I worked for a year at a grocery store when I was 17. I hated every minute of it, and quit once a year (more like 15 months) passed because I couldn't take it anymore. And this was before I started having panic attacks. I hated driving. I hated being around people all the time. I hated pretending to be overly extremely nice to customers. I hated waking up super early in the morning. I hated all this stuff so much that I would rather do nothing with my life, which is what the last 12 years have been, or just be dead.

I did not like the idea that I was going to be stuck in a situation where I had to work for the next 50 years of my life making minimum wage working in a crappy grocery store. Cause, that's all that I was going to get. I never had any chance of going to college after having such a crappy school life, being treated like I was mentally challenged. If I went to college, I would have just been wasting money because I would have just failed every course.

I know my parents are wasting money on me right now, but at least it's their choice to waste money on me, and not me wasting their money on something they want me to do, and failing at it.

I just cannot explain it. I was able to barely tolerate going to elementary school, jr high, and high school. But once I graduated, everything just came crashing down on me. I wasn't ready to become an adult. I still don't feel like an adult to this day. Maybe there's some greater mental condition that's causing this, I don't know.


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## Reposada

I was looking for "jobs for loners" and ran into this possible job, if anybody here is interested in it. You are sent tapes from doctors/lawyers and such, and you type them up and send them back in, from your computer at home:

http://www.transcriptionessentials....ID=f6e35b8f47eb55a8eaefcdbe383430b1&board=3.0

The company sends the money to your bank to deposit it for the typed transcripts that you complete.

You'd probably need to take an online course in transcription, if there is such a thing.

The only other thing I could think of is night watchman but that would require dealing with people to some extent. Getting the job, reporting to a boss, calling the police if you saw something fishy, etc. But I imagine there are hours of just you. Oh and you'd have to drive to wherever it was - or take a cab, I guess.

Another idea for TCyan is his brother - maybe he could figure out how to be of help to him (cleaning house, yardwork, etc.) and rent a room from him - of course IF his brother was willing and in a position for that to be ok -- and it would be hard to know that decades in advance, but many siblings have ended up living together as adults.

My stepfather had three or four 'maiden' aunts who all lived together - and we're talking 1890's to 1960's - I think it was actually fairly common back then, as women didn't work and if they had any means whatsoever, there were some who just chose not to marry (or couldn't find a husband.) Anyhow, throughout history, it's been a common enough occurrence - many cultures have multi-generational homes with extended family - it's just economical.

And I'm still brainstorming, lol. So much can change in 10 years. People change - life IS change. I hope things work out for you, TCyan - it's possible!


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## Reposada

Here's a link of people discussing jobs for fellow loners:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=281x1320


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## dutchguy

I don't want to be rude to you. But stop being such a victem. You keep blaming the past end keep mentioning things that happened 12 years ago. From my point of view I see you just avoiding everything that requeres you to come out of your comfortzone. Youre just not living, and you seems to keep waiting until yout motivation comes back to do something. If you don't start doing anything then that motivation never comes. 

You are a shut in, thats a behaviour, change it!


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## Reposada

One more idea - hotel night-shift counter-clerk. There will be the occasional customer but I bet most of the time there's nobody around. Just an occasional call from somebody to get a wake-up call in the morning - and with this I'll try to shut up for a while, ahem:*

 I have a job right now that I hate because of the fact that I am a loner because of it. Nightshift Hotel Clerk. Nazi bosses won't let me sleep. I go in at 9pm, get off at 7am. Sleep from 11:00am to 6pm, wake up and do it allll over again. Talk about a ****ty job. Constantly disgruntled with the world that I never get to see and I am quite sure it led up to the demise of my year and a half relationship. Gotta take what you can get though..I'm not a quitter, not when I was job hunting for 5 months before getting this job. Now, I am a loner.


http://www.takethislife.com/employment/jobs-loners-really-52384/*


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## donttalkmuch

TCRyan, no matter how many times you say you DON'T want to change, I don't believe it. I can't believe anyone can be happy living the way you do. And if you want to change, you have to make some kind of small step. If you're too scared to go outside or travel for therapy, then there are therapists that will come to your house and evaluate you. You don't have to talk to them alone if you don't want to. Your parents can be there if you think it would help, I believe. 

You should commit to yourself to stop making excuses for EVERYTHING. I know that you probably have SA and a myriad of other problems, but you have that make that one small step. One step can change everything.


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## ndh505

Well, TCyan, I think I understand you better then most people here. I'm serious. See, you were 18 when you became a recluse. You were disillusioned at the world, terrified of people, and confused thoroughly. You were fed up with everything and didn't know what to do. You were, in short, an insecure teenager, just like me. And you still are, in many ways. I know how you must have felt because I'm a skinny bookish mental wreck myself and have been harassed pretty much all my life. I often feel like abandoning my life. I often feel I'm just stuck and pathetically hopeless.

But believe me : that feeling of hopelessness is almost always just an illusion. When I was 10, I ran away because I was so bitter and miserable, and when I was 13, I tried to kill myself but chickend out in the end. In retrospect, I can see they were all stupid mistakes. Understandable ones, of course, since I was so young, weak and fragile, and I believe they hugely contributed to my mental growth. We all learn from our mistakes. But, when I think about what would have happened if I had actually killed myself, I can't stand the thought of it. Then I'd be dead. Still a mistake, but a gross and irrevocable one. And I know that I'm still liable to end up making a similar mistake.

So, I believe that if you had resisted the temptation to give up at 18 and let time pass by, then by now, you may be laughing at that foolish thought. Do you really think you were mature enough to decide your whole future at age *18*? I doubt it. 18, that's pretty young, don't you think so? You may be a member of this forum, perhaps, but still you'd have realized that life is better then you thought. You'd be grateful that you hadn't succumbed to resignation. I think your decision to become a shut-in was a mistake, no more, no less. You may want to deny it, but it was neither inevitable nor necessary. And you should correct that mistake now instead of killing yourself.

Other people can be so compassionate because they regard you as an adult responsible for your own life. I've been a jerk because I regard you as a teenager like me, immature, vulnerable and susceptible to mistakes. I knew from the beginning that you were doing this because you liked the attention. And I think my mean posts have been effective in many ways. From my experience, compassion can be helpful, but sometimes that's not enough, even harmful. Sometimes we need to be jerked out of our self-imposed prisons. Other people's posts, in my opinion, are simply reinforcing your self-victimization.

People who tell you you can live this way, they can do it because they're speaking to a nameless recluse. I can't just let you wither away like this because I'm speaking to my possible future. You shouldn't let that single mistake destroy your life. Even if your agoraphobia proves to be insurmountable, there are still lots of ways open for you. I don't get why other people fail to realize this isn't about agoraphobia, but your attitude to life. People have suggested lots of things you can deal with without meeting people. You could have responded at any moment. But you've ignored all of them, saying that you don't want to do anything productive. So I can't but despise you.


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## Cody88

TCyan said:


> I know not everyone reads this entire thread, but I have said several times that I can't just go outside in public without having panic attacks. Everyone keeps saying "You should try and go outside..." Why? I just have panic attacks every time. It's not worth it.


That's because you've learned avoidance behaviors and now you get panic attacks because your sympathetic nervous system kicks in when you aren't used to dealing with certain situations. Panic attacks are definitely hard to beat but if you approach situations little by little you'll be able to leave without getting panic attacks. Start with going for a walk by yourself, then maybe go into a store, then work your way up until you can handle situations without getting a panic attack. Do whatever situations of your own choosing that will help you work up to it though. You can do it dude. Just gotta believe!  It's your own choice though, but there are ways to fix your life if you choose to pursue them.


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## ndh505

By the way, I think people who show him utmost compassion are the real cruel ones. They are treating him as if he's some kind of freak that is fundamentally different from everyone else and has the right to destroy his life if he wants to. It's natural that he continues to wallow in self-victimization. Just think about what people would have said if TCyan were 19 and had spent only one year as a shut-in. Then everyone would have told him he should stop being stupid and reclaim his life. We shouldn't let the fact that he has spent 12 years as a reclue fool us, because it's, in the long run, just a superficial difference. The decision he made 12 years before, namely, the decision to be a shut-in, that's the point of this thread, not its periphary results like lethargia or agoraphobia. Giving up everything and retreating from the world out of resignation is wrong, period. Just because he has continued it for 12 years doesn't mean that his decision becomes any more respectable.


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## rala095

thanks for posting this. I know what point you are getting at... if it makes you feel better I will try to have a better life because I know what happens after so many years of negative thinking. I am thinking now people would rather see me quiet than being myself, this cannot be true. I have been starting to think what is the reason for trying to do anything any more because at the end of the day no one cares. I have been trying to accept myself as this and I am tring to get out of this habbit right now. I am not asking you to change, however you helped me and who knows how many people. Reading your posts is like me in school. People talk about me infront of me and I just ignore it. This is my life and I am ****ing it up right now. 20 years from now I won't be thinking of the mistakes I did.. I will be thinking of what I didnt't do. I will be obsessing as I am now about all the **** I have messed up on, I will say I will do something so many times and I will walk right up to my problem and will not do anything about it. I am not doing anything about it because I think I will do it later... yes you have helped me because of all the people that have told me I am just an attention hog, I am self obsessed, I will not talk to anyone unless they talk to me this is all my problem... I will finally admit it's my problem. Social anxiety is completely up to you and I realize you can use that in a negative or positive way to do what you want with it. It is my decision to think I am worthless it is my decision to decide I am total **** compared to everyone else it is my decision to ignore people in the hallway or anywhere else. There is one person who will not give up and will continue doing anything and everything to make everyone feel good. I used to be this person. it is my fault everyone talks about me infront of my face and I do nothing about it. I have preset in my mind that I will not be as good as anyone in anything. One of my quiet friends is starting to pass me us socially because of this. 


.... i just wish you see someone like how I see you....


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## Juliette

*Quote Juliette:* _Hi again, TCyan - You say don't want to try therapy or claim SSI as you don't look like a typical agoraphobic. I'm racking my brains to visualise what a typical agoraphobic looks like. Yes, if you're Caucasian you may look very pale from never going outside, but that's about all&#8230;or am I missing something?

You also say that the process of getting therapy and claiming SSI is much too far-fetched and probably wouldn't work. I appreciate that all this would be difficult for you to do after 12 years but at least you can say you have tried. 

Do you really want to reach the age of 31...35... 40...50 or 60 years of age without having tried *something&#8230;?*

_*Quote TCyan: I just don't think anything is worth trying.


Quote Juliette: *_Ysonesse - Are the people who work in SSI really so backward to think that a person with mental health issues has to look 'a certain way?'

And if they do think like that, TCyan, prove those bureaucratic buggers wrong! And if you can't prove 'em wrong, at least you can say you__ *tried*..._

*Quote TCyan: **I don't get what is so great about saying "at least I tried"*.

Well, I tend to agree with the quote by the American writer and poet, Nikki Giovanni, who wrote:

 *"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."*

If you're not motivated to try anything for your own sake, TCyan, then try for the sake of your parents because, as you said before, they are worried about you.


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## a degree of freedom

Juliette said:


> *"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."*


Reminds me of: "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke


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## TCyan

Juliette said:


> If you're not motivated to try anything for your own sake, TCyan, then try for the sake of your parents because, as you said before, they are worried about you.


It's not that simple. If I'm not motivated for myself, then why should I be motivated for anyone else like my parents? I just don't care about anything. I want to stay the way I am.


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## Juliette

TCyan said:


> It's not that simple. If I'm not motivated for myself, then why should I be motivated for anyone else like my parents? I just don't care about anything. I want to stay the way I am.


No, I know it's not that simple. It's just that I'm probably a similiar age to your parents as I have a son in his twenties, so I guess I'm looking at your situation not only as a person with SA, but from a parents' point of view as well. I know if my son were a recluse I would constantly worry about him and wonder what would happen to him after I had died.

Reposada - Thanks for the information about transcribing jobs at home. I may look into this myself.


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## jg43i9jghy0t4555

TCyan said:


> Like I said in my opening post, I don't want to change. I like living this way. It's great not having any responsibilities. I know it will end someday but everything ends eventually anyway. I just don't care about the idea of having a full time job, paying bills, buying food at the grocery store, being around people socially, all that crap is awful sounding to me. My panic attacks basically keep me from doing anything socially anyway and I refuse to take medication. I'm quite content right were I am.


this. it really is a good life imo..

I really miss times when I was a little more like that, If I even stay in for a day or 2 at a time I have a much better time on my own than being out on the street, having peoples' expectations and faults projected onto me, trying to see in the bright sunlight.

I get what people mean by trying to change (I'm getting help where I live now, with government funded staff trying to make me talk to people in the house which I just don't), but really, what am I missing?

Imagination will always be better than reality. I've had quite a few pretty girls show some interest in school and university where I developed anxiety, but it's just awkward young love or whatever you call it, I don't seriously think real life can offer me anything like that long-term.

just my 2 cents.


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## Marakunda

You remind me of Sato off Welcome to the NHK... lol, that was a compliment... He's a cool guy imo.

Ever seen that anime? Tis amazing...

No judgement from me, I'd probably live like that if I could, but I can't, my family wouldn't allow it. My mom would be pissed, and if I kept it up, she'd probably kick me out...

Well, I hope you do what you think is right when the time comes....


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## Reposada

ndh505 said:


> By the way, I think people who show him utmost compassion are the real cruel ones. They are treating him as if he's some kind of freak that is fundamentally different from everyone else and has the right to destroy his life if he wants to. It's natural that he continues to wallow in self-victimization. Just think about what people would have said if TCyan were 19 and had spent only one year as a shut-in. Then everyone would have told him he should stop being stupid and reclaim his life. We shouldn't let the fact that he has spent 12 years as a reclue fool us, because it's, in the long run, just a superficial difference. The decision he made 12 years before, namely, the decision to be a shut-in, that's the point of this thread, not its periphary results like lethargia or agoraphobia. Giving up everything and retreating from the world out of resignation is wrong, period. Just because he has continued it for 12 years doesn't mean that his decision becomes any more respectable.


I promise I'm not posting to be angry with you - I appreciate your explaining yourself more clearly. I'm amazed that a 16 year old young man can write so eloquently, especially if you're Korean and English is your second language. I'm impressed with your facility with words - you have a real talent. I also believe TCyan is a talented and disarmingly honest writer and that's why his thread has been so touching (and involving) for so many of us.

But I do disagree that there's only one way to live. Buddha gave up everything and retreated from the world, for quite a number of years. Jesus gave up everything that a "normal" person would be expected to pursue: marriage, career, socializing as a regular person, and went on his mission. Many have become Trappist monks who take a vow of silence and retreat from "real life" to monasteries where they give up everything and "withdraw from the world." Emily Dickinson did that; J. D. Salinger did that; Friedrich Nietzsche did that; Beethoven did that... My history is a bit hazy but I believe Michelangelo did something similar, though he had to eat, and therefore, took commissions and painted the Sistine Chapel, etc. - but I believe he was quite a loner. Isaac Newton never had parents, friends or lovers - and he couldn't get along with anyone (granted, he did work at university and even in Parliament so he did 'get out there' - but he certainly didn't follow society's "rules")

Ok, so some of them stayed busy and produced masterpieces - but what would the world be like if we all had to fit in society's "mold"? Being a hermit used to be an admired choice, among the Hindus and I believe in other religions as well. I'm not sure it's appreciated enough that "introversion" exists - avoidant, schizoid, and schizotypal personalities exist - it isn't a simple "choice" for some people. How can you know for sure that it is just a choice when you can't step into someone else's body and mind and KNOW that they're being lazy or stubborn? You can't make one model for humankind and declare that it's the only "right" way to be - and then try to whip everybody into shape because you've had similar proclivities and decided for YOURSELF that that was bad for you. I'm happy for you - but you can't apply the rules you've decided on for your life to everyone else.

Now I agree that it's so sad that, at this point, TCyan doesn't see anyway out other than to kill himself when both of his parents are gone and he runs out of money. I wish so much to try to help him think of an alternative - or a list of them - and at least to keep an open mind that maybe when that time comes, if not before, he can make himself try to find another way to go on. I can tell by his writing that he's a sensitive, extremely bright person who's had bad luck in school and in his physical fate (celiac disease, panic disorder, agoraphobia, etc.) - and even he said he went to a bank and managed to do ok (forgot how long ago.) So I think he might COULD force himself to find a "loner's" job or apply for SSI - and I wish he felt he could try that eventually and start visualizing the steps, and work up the courage to take them. 30 is young - so I want to choose to believe that he will change his mind and figure out a way to make things work out. But I don't want to harass him - the way people probably harassed Buddha, Jesus, Emily Dickinson, Nietzsche, Beethoven, etc. It's just one more cross that people with TRUE issues, whether medical, psychological, or simply "being different", have to bear.

I think he's helped a lot of people by expressing what's going on in his life, and he IS socializing, right here on this board, which is a great thing! I'm glad to have gotten to know him, even this little bit. It's an experience I'll never forget - he's touched me and I believe many others on this thread - and that's something to be proud of! Yes, he has significant problems - severe problems - but he didn't have to share them - he chose to, in order to communicate, reach out, and he's said many times: in order to help others hopefully to avoid his situation by understanding that it probably becomes more difficult as time goes on, at least for many.

Well, I hope things work out for you ndh, but I don't think being cruel is ever helpful. Maybe a toned down form of "tough love" might have a place - but saying you despise someone and consider them "scum" because of a very real condition that may well be beyond his control, that's a bigger flaw, in my opinion, than agoraphobia will ever be.


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## Ballerina

You remind me of that ever popular poem by Frost. ♫ 
_
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood 
And looked down one as far as I could 
To where it bent in the undergrowth;__
Then took the other, as just as fair, 
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,__
And both that morning equally lay 
In leaves no step had trodden black. 
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.__
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence: 
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference._


----------



## Reposada

A quote from one of my favorite books, "Party of One, the Loner's Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus: 

"...Since the beginning, loners had been out there, on their own, making and doing things. They had kept to themselves, liked their own company, thrived on their days alone. They had produced the Mona Lisa, Jungle Book, Taoism, Walden. How could I have known? In that nonloner world of teams and troops and congregations, who would have said, 'Psst, hey, loner. Here is a grand roll call of your forebears. Protoloners. 

"Down the years, around the world, they form a shining line -- in single file, of course. Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Isaac Newton, who as a boy would rather have tinkered and solved math problems than play. Rene' Descartes, the pioneering mathematician and philosopher who did his best work alone in his bed and said, 'I think, therefore I am.' Kipling, Thoreau, Beatrix Potter, Dickinson, who stayed home 16 years and wrote 2000 poems of startling passion. Lawrence of Arabia. 

"Crazy Horse, whom his own Sioux tribe called 'the Strange Man' but loved him for his laconic air of mystery. Austrian born philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein WHO LIVED AS A HERMIT. Philo T. Farnsworth, who invented TV single-handedly. Silent Spring author Rachel Carson. Brian Epstein. James Michener. Alec Guinness. Albert Einstein, who wrote in 1932: 'Although I am a typical loner in daily life, my consciousness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice keeps me from feeling isolated.' The same Einstein who observed wryly, 'To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.'

"All those for whom two is a crowd. Who braved the ridicule, rising time and again to the clear view through their own eyes, the wonder and horror they found and explored in themselves. Of course I would not meet them. We are not the type who meet. We do not wish to, in the flesh. We do not need to."

From pages xxiv-xxv. (The all caps are mine, not the author's)


----------



## Reposada

Irish poet William Butler Yeats:

I WILL arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,
*And live alone* *in the bee-loud glade.
*
*And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,*
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.


----------



## Ballerina

If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town!
If it's clear and yella' you've got juice there, fella!


----------



## TCyan

Reposada said:


> I promise I'm not posting to be angry with you - I appreciate your explaining yourself more clearly. I'm amazed that a 16 year old young man can write so eloquently, especially if you're Korean and English is your second language. I'm impressed with your facility with words - you have a real talent. I also believe TCyan is a talented and disarmingly honest writer and that's why his thread has been so touching (and involving) for so many of us.
> 
> But I do disagree that there's only one way to live. Buddha gave up everything and retreated from the world, for quite a number of years. Jesus gave up everything that a "normal" person would be expected to pursue: marriage, career, socializing as a regular person, and went on his mission. Many have become Trappist monks who take a vow of silence and retreat from "real life" to monasteries where they give up everything and "withdraw from the world." Emily Dickinson did that; J. D. Salinger did that; Friedrich Nietzsche did that; Beethoven did that... My history is a bit hazy but I believe Michelangelo did something similar, though he had to eat, and therefore, took commissions and painted the Sistine Chapel, etc. - but I believe he was quite a loner. Isaac Newton never had parents, friends or lovers - and he couldn't get along with anyone (granted, he did work at university and even in Parliament so he did 'get out there' - but he certainly didn't follow society's "rules")
> 
> Ok, so some of them stayed busy and produced masterpieces - but what would the world be like if we all had to fit in society's "mold"? Being a hermit used to be an admired choice, among the Hindus and I believe in other religions as well. I'm not sure it's appreciated enough that "introversion" exists - avoidant, schizoid, and schizotypal personalities exist - it isn't a simple "choice" for some people. How can you know for sure that it is just a choice when you can't step into someone else's body and mind and KNOW that they're being lazy or stubborn? You can't make one model for humankind and declare that it's the only "right" way to be - and then try to whip everybody into shape because you've had similar proclivities and decided for YOURSELF that that was bad for you. I'm happy for you - but you can't apply the rules you've decided on for your life to everyone else.
> 
> Now I agree that it's so sad that, at this point, TCyan doesn't see anyway out other than to kill himself when both of his parents are gone and he runs out of money. I wish so much to try to help him think of an alternative - or a list of them - and at least to keep an open mind that maybe when that time comes, if not before, he can make himself try to find another way to go on. I can tell by his writing that he's a sensitive, extremely bright person who's had bad luck in school and in his physical fate (celiac disease, panic disorder, agoraphobia, etc.) - and even he said he went to a bank and managed to do ok (forgot how long ago.) So I think he might COULD force himself to find a "loner's" job or apply for SSI - and I wish he felt he could try that eventually and start visualizing the steps, and work up the courage to take them. 30 is young - so I want to choose to believe that he will change his mind and figure out a way to make things work out. But I don't want to harass him - the way people probably harassed Buddha, Jesus, Emily Dickinson, Nietzsche, Beethoven, etc. It's just one more cross that people with TRUE issues, whether medical, psychological, or simply "being different", have to bear.
> 
> I think he's helped a lot of people by expressing what's going on in his life, and he IS socializing, right here on this board, which is a great thing! I'm glad to have gotten to know him, even this little bit. It's an experience I'll never forget - he's touched me and I believe many others on this thread - and that's something to be proud of! Yes, he has significant problems - severe problems - but he didn't have to share them - he chose to, in order to communicate, reach out, and he's said many times: in order to help others hopefully to avoid his situation by understanding that it probably becomes more difficult as time goes on, at least for many.
> 
> Well, I hope things work out for you ndh, but I don't think being cruel is ever helpful. Maybe a toned down form of "tough love" might have a place - but saying you despise someone and consider them "scum" because of a very real condition that may well be beyond his control, that's a bigger flaw, in my opinion, than agoraphobia will ever be.


I'm kind of speechless reading this post.

Reposada, it's like you said exactly what I've been trying to convey. I'm not book smart or anything. I don't know anything about all those people you talked about. But for some reason, it all makes a lot of sense to me. You are right, I am extremely sensitive. I cry at every little sad scene watching movies or tv. Even watching a news story that is covering some tragic happenings might make me shed tears.

Aside from that, I do feel like I should be a hermit on top of a mountain living by myself, living on the land. No idea how I'd get myself to that point and I doubt I could survive it, but it does sound like something I should be doing. Living in a temple away from society sounds great to me. I know I'd miss my tv and computer and games, but if it meant not having to be around people ever again, I just might take that risk. Sure, I'd like to live the American dream, with a wife and two kids, a dog, and a white picket fence, but honestly, that stuff just seems so far fetched to me. I think it would just be easier to build a duplicate of the great wall of China by myself, by hand. Just the thought that any woman on earth would love me as I am now, and accept me the way I am now, not going to happen. I know people always say "You don't know that for sure". You are right, but it's a mental block that I've learned and cannot unlearn. I wouldn't and couldn't believe it even if it did happen. I'd probably push anyone away that got near me.

I don't care about paying bills, paying taxes, voting for the next governor/president, working, having responsibilities, meeting people, remembering peoples birthdays or anniversaries or whatever, socializing, striving to be successful, doctor visits, taking medications, taking vitamins, living past 50,... seriously I could go on and on. I just have no interest in any of this. I hated it when I was a kid, I hated it when I was a teenager, and I hate it as a kid again. This is the reason doing nothing for 12 years never gets boring to me. I love sitting doing nothing.

Maybe I am destined to become some crazy person that goes out doing criminal activities like murder and other things. People get pushed to the edge to the point where they don't know what else to do. Maybe the reason I haven't become one yet is because my parents let me do what I want. Who knows what I would be doing if I was forced to live a normal life. I might be in jail right now, or even dead. I don't want to be some crazy axe murderer. But honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I was suddenly forced out into the world.

I think I went off on a tangent there. The bottom line is, Reposada, I really appreciate your posts. You are one of the few here that seem to understand me the most.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what I might do. All we can hope is, something good happens. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and relax, and not think about the future. That's all I can do now. Why stress out over trying and failing over and over, to maybe get one small step toward recovery, when I can be content right where I am right now.


----------



## Uncle Charlie

Okay, I don't understand, there has got to be something more to this. Why create this thread if you have no intention of changing? What kind of responses were you expecting? You claim that you simply needed to rant a little, but if you're truly happy then what sense would it make to do that? If I were to get promoted at work and use that extra money to buy a cabin in the mountains, I'd be quite happy about this turn of events, and hence, wouldn't feel the need to vent about it. It seems you've already made up your mind about who you are and what you want out of life, and it's quite tragic because you are basically an empty vessel who is letting the outside world have the last laugh. 

Your parents clearly care deeply for you and it's a wonderful thing that they are willing to comply with you being a shut in. But as much as they may love you as their son, I promise you that they are both hoping in vain that you will one day snap out of it and find yourself, but you are refusing to even attempt to meet them halfway. You say you're happy with yourself but why then would you consider offing yourself once your parents are no longer there for support? That doesn't sound to me like someone that has much respect for himself as a human being. You owe it to your parents and to yourself to at least try. As for your experience working at a grocery store and hating it with a passion, well, guess what? I had the exact same experience at nearly the same age, but instead of retreating to artificial and material comfort and allowing them to get the best of me, I instead applied to university vowing to make something of myself. We only get one life, and once it expires, that's it, game over. You cite bad experiences in school as a vital factor in why you turned out the way you did, but I had them as well. All through grade school I was always the goofy kid in the group who would ultimately amount to nothing and see all the others go on to become successful. Well, I took it upon myself to prove everybody wrong, but more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was better than that. In your case, instead of proving that you were above the ridicule, you instead curled into the feetle position and conceded that they were right about you all along, and that you are perfectly content knowing it.

I'm not trying to come across as a jerk or anything but things just don't seem to add up. You clearly wanted to get this out in the open, but for what? You don't care about changing yourself, nor do you care about taking advice that may positively shape your future. It seems to me you just want justification from others in regards to your actions so that you can feel better about the way things are going. You're seeking approval for the actions you're taking so that you'll have a reason to remain in your comfort zone. Your happiness is an illusion; nobody would be as nonchalant about offing themselves in the face of responsibility as you are if they really loved themselves as a person. They'd be willing to give themselves a chance. Sorry, but this is just the way I see it. At first I was sad for you but the more I think about it, the madder I get. Why? I don't know. Perhaps, empathy. Maybe at one time, I saw a bit of myself in you. ndh505 may have come across as quite blunt and at times harsh but nothing that he said was in any way wrong or unjust. People go on to run for congress, become astronauts, and run their own businesses. I'm sure that at one time or another they were doubting themselves, telling themselves that they could never pull it off, but eventually they had no choice but to push those doubts to the backburner and try their damndest to make things work. You on the other hand, haven't even tried. Are you truly fulfilled as a person? Or do you simply find it comforting not being in the presence of what you are afraid of? I find it hard to imagine you are truly happy but more or less relieved being within the confines of the comfort zone. 

In the end, only you can help yourself, I can't force you to step outside and live your life, whatever you decide to do about that is really up to you. But I will just close by saying not to let the outside world win, because you need to believe you are better than that. Obstacles are part of life and are made to be overcome and it is by overcoming that we as human beings gain that ever so satisfying sense of accomplishment, and with that accomplishment comes the even better feeling of fulfillment. Answer me this? Can you honestly tell me that you lived your life to the fullest? Can you tell me that you gave it an honest chance? I can tell you are an intelligent person from your posts alone but you do in fact have a problem on your hands and for your own sake, you need to fix it.


----------



## felula

I don't think there's one person out there who hasn't felt suicidal and/or wanting to live as a "shut-in" at some point in their lives, but they still force themselves to get out and live. You say you don't want to change, but I think the fact that you joined a SAD support forum shows that deep down you really do want to change...or at least want sympathy.

Just start taking some baby steps...apply for some night jobs stocking shelves at grocery stores, register for a couple classes at your local community college - even online classes if you'd prefer. You gotta get out and do something...NOW! Get out and do what God meant for you to do. : )


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## sas2012solar

*idk*

I bet you are normal. Just need to understand a few key ideas and you probably wouldn't be a shutin... although you'd still like time alone.


----------



## donttalkmuch

TCyan said:


> . Why stress out over trying and failing over and over, to maybe get one small step toward recovery, when I can be content right where I am right now.


But you are NOT content where you are.

Honestly, I think you do need professional help. I'm not saying that to be mean or insulting, I'm just being blunt.


----------



## philosophy

I've read about half of this thread now, and can definitely empathize with the severe panic attacks you mentioned. They can feel absolutely crippling in both the physical and mental sense. However, the odd exposure every couple months or years will unfortunately not bear any serious results. I think you would be pleasantly surprised, TCyan, how quickly they could improve if you steadily committed to it, though. I know that you feel rather apathetic and sometimes even content in your current lifestyle - but think about the future, mate! Is this something that you feel will still be sufficient in say, ten years? Check out this website below, they really helped me to overcome and essentially not fear the panic attacks.

http://www.panicend.com/


----------



## ndh505

TCyan, as I said before, I'm not attacking your lifestyle itself. I'm not urging you to reinvent your personality and become an outgoing person. I'm not making this huge fuss just because you're a shut-in. What I can't stand is your attitude. I'm saying that you should give meaning to your life. We humans are not mindless animals condemned to automatic movements and instinctive reactions.One can live without fame, wealth, relationship, comfort, and even happiness, but if his life is devoid of meaning, then that's not something we can dismiss as one of his peculiarities.

Everyone has to and can be *someone, *or at least strive to be so, whether he is extroverted or introverted, male or female, fortunate or unfortunate. Nietzsche was a loner, and his life was not a happy one, but few would claim his life was meaningless. Buddha was by no means a normal man, but his influence has been tremendous, especially here in Asia. Countless nonconformists and loners throughout history, though less well known, persued their dreams and hopes in their own ways, repeatedly overcoming themselves and battling prejudices of society, and this is what makes them respectable.

And your life, in my opinion, doesn't suffice. You aren't living. You withdrew from the world at age 18, have been vegetating for 12 years, and this thread is pretty much the only accomplishment of your 30-year existence. You say you're a sensitive person traumatized by dark events of the past. But that doesn't justify what you're doing. You can't blame your genetics and experiences. You've chosen to live this way, no external factors forced you, and no amount of your whining will change my opinion about this. And your choice is wrong.

You might think you have the severest SA on this forum, but I doubt it. I suspect your circumstances were not particularly harsh when you were 18. I suspect that even now, your agoraphobia is not as crippling as you insist. I suspect you are grossly exaggerating, both consciously and unconsciously. Sorry if I'm wrong. But I can't help it. How am I supposed to believe you when you relinquished your right as human being 12 years ago, now maintain you don't want to do anything productive, and say you'd be glad to kill yourself as soon as your parents pass away? How am I supposed to retain composure and regard you with compassion when you have inflicted so egregious wounds to your own dignity? How on earth am I supposed to accept you as who you are? I just can't.

I believe you'll realize your mistake sooner or later. This isn't something you can suppress. Even 12 years of inertia can't slay it. One day, realization will strike you and shatter your mental prison. Perhaps tomorrow morning, perhaps a decade from now, perhaps when your parents pass away, perhaps a few seconds before your death. I don't know when it will be, but you can't elude the truth forever. Until this ugly reality claws its way out, you may be able to wallow in self-deception, but the moment who you really are is revealed before you, you'll be badly wishing you had listened to other people.

By the way, I don't think you'll be able to kill yourself. Suicide is not for everyone. It's not for me, I realized it at 13, and it's not for you, either, deducing from your posts. Can't explain why, I just know. You're all braggadocio.


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## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> TCyan, as I said before, I'm not attacking your lifestyle itself. I'm not urging you to reinvent your personality and become an outgoing person. I'm not making this huge fuss just because you're a shut-in. What I can't stand is your attitude. I'm saying that you should give meaning to your life. We humans are not mindless animals condemned to automatic movements and instinctive reactions.One can live without fame, wealth, relationship, comfort, and even happiness, but if his life is devoid of meaning, then that's not something we can dismiss as one of his peculiarities.
> 
> Everyone has to and can be *someone, *or at least strive to be so, whether he is extroverted or introverted, male or female, fortunate or unfortunate. Nietzsche was a loner, and his life was not a happy one, but few would claim his life was meaningless. Buddha was by no means a normal man, but his influence has been tremendous, especially here in Asia. Countless nonconformists and loners throughout history, though less well known, persued their dreams and hopes in their own ways, repeatedly overcoming themselves and battling prejudices of society, and this is what makes them respectable.
> 
> And your life, in my opinion, doesn't suffice. You aren't living. You withdrew from the world at age 18, have been vegetating for 12 years, and this thread is pretty much the only accomplishment of your 30-year existence. You say you're a sensitive person traumatized by dark events of the past. But that doesn't justify what you're doing. You can't blame your genetics and experiences. You've chosen to live this way, no external factors forced you, and no amount of your whining will change my opinion about this. And your choice is wrong.
> 
> You might think you have the severest SA on this forum, but I doubt it. I suspect your circumstances were not particularly harsh when you were 18. I suspect that even now, your agoraphobia is not as crippling as you insist. I suspect you are grossly exaggerating, both consciously and unconsciously. Sorry if I'm wrong. But I can't help it. How am I supposed to believe you when you relinquished your right as human being 12 years ago, now maintain you don't want to do anything productive, and say you'd be glad to kill yourself as soon as your parents pass away? How am I supposed to retain composure and regard you with compassion when you have inflicted so egregious wounds to your own dignity? How on earth am I supposed to accept you as who you are? I just can't.
> 
> I believe you'll realize your mistake sooner or later. This isn't something you can suppress. Even 12 years of inertia can't slay it. One day, realization will strike you and shatter your mental prison. Perhaps tomorrow morning, perhaps a decade from now, perhaps when your parents pass away, perhaps a few seconds before your death. I don't know when it will be, but you can't elude the truth forever. Until this ugly reality claws its way out, you may be able to wallow in self-deception, but the moment who you really are is revealed before you, you'll be badly wishing you had listened to other people.
> 
> By the way, I don't think you'll be able to kill yourself. Suicide is not for everyone. It's not for me, I realized it at 13, and it's not for you, either, deducing from your posts. Can't explain why, I just know. You're all braggadocio.


I appreciate everything you say, but like you said, I might not want to change for another decade or right before I die. By then it really will be too late.

And I don't really care whether you think I can kill myself or not. There are plenty of easy ways to do it. I won't go into details since it is against the rules on this forum, but I've got plenty of ideas. I've been thinking about this stuff for years. It doesn't have to be something where I am in control to the very end.

But you are right about one thing. Maybe I'm not sick at all. Maybe this is just all in my head. But the bottom line is, I haven't done anything in 12 years, and I'm willing to go another 12 without any problem. That in itself has to be some kind of sickness, right? There's got to be something wrong with me, whether it's just pure stubbornness or not. I do have panic attacks though, that I can't fake. But as you said, could just be my body forcing myself to have panic attacks so I can get out of situations I hate. But I don't know how to stop that.

Honestly I just don't want to do anything with my life. I want to rot here in my room until I die. Period.

And to those that keep saying "If you don't want to change, why did you make this topic?". So I could leave my mark in this world before I'm gone? People that are dying or about to die always feel a little bit better when they leave a mark on the world somehow. Whether it's something as little as making one friend so at least someone will remember them after they pass, or doing something big like curing cancer. This topic is basically my entire life. People will read it, some will remember it well, others won't. Now I have no regrets when the time comes. I'm glad that I got to share my life story to a bunch of strangers online. That's what I'm going to settle with. Also, this topic is bound to help some people, as some have already claimed it has. That's always a good thing. I didn't intend it to be that way at first, but I'm okay with it helping people.


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## Reposada

"Everyone has to and can be *someone, *or at least strive to be so, whether he is extroverted or introverted, male or female, fortunate or unfortunate."

Well I really need to cease and desist and soon will, but what the heck does that mean? Everyone already IS someone.

Do you mean everyone must strive to be a "success"? Everyone must mingle with other people? Everyone must struggle to achieve the highest "level" in life that he can climb to? Everyone must strive to eradicate every flaw, till their final breath, even if it kills them?

Well, ok I admit, there are some points on the side of "tough love", at least for some, and SOME would have been happier if pushed to "succeed" in life. But for me, my happiest days were doing what I wanted to do - not struggling with a job and having to be around people until I was a nervous wreck. The days when I could be free, that's when I feel like a queen. The days when I worked as a secretary, a technical writer, a teacher, a programmer - were days when I felt like a slave. Like I had sold my life for a few pieces of silver. Life was worthless and I constantly dreamt of lying in a gutter somewhere - at least I wouldn't be ordered around like a piece of dirt, like a bird in a cage, like a chained wild animal.

I'm glad I loved going to school and university - I'm glad I love to study and learn - but I'm thrilled that I don't have to work! If it's so wonderful, then why do so many people resent it when someone doesn't have to? Now this is a whole different subject from TCyan's, I realize - I don't have social phobia to the extent that I can't work - I just don't want to. What's wrong with a life you enjoy as opposed to a life you feel obligated to trudge through, while miserable and wishing you were dead?

Yes, somebody has to work - somebody has to make money to survive - somebody has to mow the grass, clean the toilet, cook the dinner, wash the dishes... But how many people who are really able to avoid it, choose to? Kings and queens don't scrub the floor.

I do. I'd feel guilty making my husband work harder in order to pay someone to do it - and even guiltier if I expected him to help with the housework while he also has to work and make money. But if we had a trust fund to live on, I'm pretty sure we'd happily have whiled away our lives enjoying the time we had rather than doing all that crap.

Is it fair to TCyan's parents - maybe not - but maybe they DO get something in return for their kindness in supporting him. His love, his company, his help with chores, he may be an even greater help to them when their health starts failing and they need him to take care of them. Why is that so 'worthless', in your eyes? He MUST be "someone", you say. I still don't get it. Why?

Because you can't believe he's really happy? Is everyone happy who's picking up garbage, fighting in Iraq, out on the highway paving over the pot-holes, drinking themselves to oblivion because they're miserable with their lives? What "is" happiness? You're so sure you've got it completely figured out? And not just for you, but for everyone?

Well, I promised I'd hush. But I'm nearly 60 and I don't regret that I never had ambition and didn't become "somebody." Looking back, I most cherish every day of freedom from being under the thumb of some horrid boss doing some stupid crap that was boring, exhausting, life-devouring, and which I hated. Yes, I do housework - and I wouldn't have it any other way unless we were rich - but I don't enjoy it. I just get through it so I can get to some free time to really 'live' - just the way I want to - as idly as I want to. And those are the most delicious times of all!


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## Issues

Reposada said:


> text


thank you.


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## fonz

Reposada said:


> Is it fair to TCyan's parents - maybe not - but maybe they DO get something in return for their kindness in supporting him. His love, his company, his help with chores, he may be an even greater help to them when their health starts failing and they need him to take care of them. Why is that so 'worthless', in your eyes? He MUST be "someone", you say. I still don't get it. Why?


I think it's a gender thing - a man is expected to work to make a living. I honestly don't think a woman in the same situation as TCyan would get as much of a hard time because they'd be seen as being in that caring/cleaning type role rather than a lazy slob.


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## ndh505

Reposada said:


> Do you mean everyone must strive to be a "success"? Everyone must mingle with other people? Everyone must struggle to achieve the highest "level" in life that he can climb to? Everyone must strive to eradicate every flaw, till their final breath, even if it kills them?


Are you genuinely curious or is this merely a rhetorical question? I don't think it takes that much to be someone. You don't have to be successful, you don't have to mingle with others, you don't have to trudge toward an unattainable summit, and you definitely don't have to view life as a grim struggle that is unbearably protracted and punctuated by transient respites. But I do believe things like dreams, hopes, goals, and self-respect are worth some efforts.



Reposada said:


> Well, ok I admit, there are some points on the side of "tough love", at least for some, and SOME would have been happier if pushed to "succeed" in life. But for me, my happiest days were doing what I wanted to do - ....... What's wrong with a life you enjoy as opposed to a life you feel obligated to trudge through, while miserable and wishing you were dead?


This is a sweeping generalization. You talk as if the world is some prison from which one should run away in order to attain happiness. Most people are happier within the world, not without, regardless of their sociability. The fact that you weren't satisfied with your life doesn't mean much, because here we're talking about TCyan. How do you know that he'll be miserable and wishing he were dead if he gives up this lifestyle? Anyway, he has already mentioned that he is not really happy, just content, between which lies an unfathomable difference. Also, he decided to be a shut-in when he was 18, and I don't think anyone at that age is capable of making such a tremendous decision.



Reposada said:


> Yes, somebody has to work - somebody has to make money to survive - somebody has to mow the grass, clean the toilet, cook the dinner, wash the dishes... But how many people who are really able to avoid it, choose to? Kings and queens don't scrub the floor.


You have an unjustly negative attitude to work in general. I'd say kings and queens don't scrub the floor because they rule their kingdom, which is, in my opinion, no less important and noble, and certainly more arduous, than scrubbing the floor.



Reposada said:


> Is it fair to TCyan's parents - maybe not - but maybe they DO get something in return for their kindness in supporting him. His love, his company, his help with chores, he may be an even greater help to them when their health starts failing and they need him to take care of them. Why is that so 'worthless', in your eyes? He MUST be "someone", you say. I still don't get it. Why?


The vast majority of parents wouldn't desire this situation. And deducing from his posts, his parents aren't particularly fond of his lifestyle.



Reposada said:


> Because you can't believe he's really happy? Is everyone happy who's picking up garbage, fighting in Iraq, out on the highway paving over the pot-holes, drinking themselves to oblivion because they're miserable with their lives? What "is" happiness? You're so sure you've got it completely figured out? And not just for you, but for everyone?


He's already stated that he is not really happy. I won't purport to have figured out what happiness is, but I know what it is not. If I'm happy, I wouldn't want to throw my life away just because I don't feel like writing articles to earn money. I would want to prolong my happiness, even if it means spending some time on things I don't like.


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## TCyan

Well, I didn't choose to be a shut in when I was 18. I just had a "mid life crisis" when I was diagnosed with SAD and depression. I was put on suicide watch for a few days and laid in bed like a vegetable not doing anything for those few days. It was like my soul left my body. Then after that, I just started living like a normal 18 year old without a job would. After a few months, my parents started talking about me going to college, and I had a panic attack in front of them. After that, they said I can take my time and do whatever I want until I feel like it's time to do something. 12 years later, I still don't feel like I'm ready to do anything. I'm still having panic attacks when I go out in public, and I get bouts of weakness on a daily basis. I truly feel like there's no way I could get a job outside of this house. My overall heath has diminished over the last decade. I don't get much exercise and my body is just wasting away.

Bottom line is, I don't care. My parents are fine with taking care of me. My brother is 23 and still lives with us too. Only difference is, he has a life. I didn't decide when I was 18 that I wanted to be a shut in. It just happened that way over time. I couldn't really tell when exactly I decided I wanted to stay this way, but it wasn't for at least a few years after I started.

ndh505, would you still hate me if I got a stay at home job and still stayed home forever and never went outside? Is it just the fact that I'm not working or is it the fact that I'm not going outside that makes you mad?


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## Reposada

I think Fonz's point is a very good one. 

And I wandered way afield in my last post, but I wish that people were more accepting of eccentrics in this country - and didn't try to push the same work-ethic and standards on everyone, especially when there are some pretty powerful reasons for the eccentricity or failure to fall in line with society's expectations.

I also feel like ndh (and others who are so angry at TCyan) don't really believe that there are crippling cases of agoraphobia or social anxiety. That it's a minor problem that anyone who isn't lazy or stubborn can just choose not to let it bother them anymore.

It was my social phobia that probably made working so horrific for me that I'd rather be dead than back, chained to a desk, having to deal with people all day. I found a way to avoid that. And I did TRY, from age 19 to 33. But I just wanted to feel safe - I never wanted to kill myself (well, not after I got away from my childhood home, which was horrible and the cause of my extreme social anxiety and inability to be assertive, and therefore, I have to be the slave of everyone, which is an appalling lifestyle - at least in my opinion.)

And yes, my social phobia has faded quite a bit and I'm healthier now, but I think the many years of having the pressure of the workplace taken OFF of me - that's why I've been able to heal and find a great deal of happiness.

I'll admit that it's great that many people love working, are happy because of their work and their success, and my psychological issues are indeed "problems" - but I don't consider myself a bad person, who deserves to be despised because my social phobia and agoraphobia have been handicaps I've had to struggle with - and because of them, I've withdrawn from the world in many ways.

I thought this was a board to SUPPORT people with this difficult affliction, in all its forms - from the minor to the severe? Well, it's not my business to decide what this board is supposed to be - but I'm shocked that TCyan has encountered hatred and anger. Agoraphobia DOES exist and sometimes it's very profound. And in his case, it's complicated by physical disorders, if not full-on disabilities, as well. Should disabled people be hated and shunned, in general, because they don't live up to everyone's "work" standards?

Maybe you should tell people you're a writer, TCyan, and you're working on the "great American novel" but you don't want anyone to see it till it's finished and then they wouldn't hate you so much. Sheesh. I have some books by Italian journalist/writer Luigi Barzini. In the 40's or 50's, he worked for some Americans on some project or other, and he wanted to take 3 or 4 hours off in the middle of every day for a leisurely lunch and long siesta but he knew the American mindset would be horrified at his request. So he lied and told them he needed several hours off so he could work with a tutor on learning a new language - and then, of course, they were delighted to let him have his time off - as long as he was busily working instead of "lollygagging".

Anglo-Saxon working standards are harsh - especially in America. 9 hours a day, 50 weeks a year, many working overtime - I don't know how people endure it. Studies of primitive peoples in tribal situations show they work about two hours a day and the rest of the time, they play. No wonder there's so much anger and envy - how many people are really happy being worked to death, like a slave? Oops -- again, I keep wandering OFF topic -- but my social phobia made working EXCRUCIATING for me and then I stepped back and started questioning the whole system, which is another subject altogether and not really related to social phobia at all, except that introverts of all kinds find socializing to be exhausting and they gain strength from solitude, so I bet a lot of loners who withdrew from society (like I've listed time and time again) had some of the same attitudes I have. If I have to nearly kill myself to "fit in" and give up 90% of my life in order to follow the Anglo-American work ethic and societal requirements, then screw it - I want to find a cave to hide in!

P.S. One more of my many 'brainstorming' ideas which probably won't help but I keep trying... There are online dating and friendship agencies for the disabled. One of my problems is fearing ridicule and not being good enough - I wonder if other disabled people would be more accepting and therefore, maybe less intimidating, so an "eharmony" like site, except for people who disclose their disabilities up front, might be a way to reach out to others and maybe even find a friend or potential mate? Well, just a thought, but if I were alone and afraid to hit the social scene, that's where I believe I would try to stick my toe into the water, to find an accepting and empathetic soul to share my life with, even if just as a pen-pal. There are a lot of lonely, shunned people out there who aren't accepted due to not being "normal", whether their disabilities are psychological or physical.


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## kev

agreed with above - some of the responses on here are disgusting and should be ignored


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## Reposada

> This is a sweeping generalization. You talk as if the world is some prison from which one should run away in order to attain happiness. Most people are happier within the world, not without, regardless of their sociability. The fact that you weren't satisfied with your life doesn't mean much, because here we're talking about TCyan. How do you know that he'll be miserable and wishing he were dead if he gives up this lifestyle? Anyway, he has already mentioned that he is not really happy, just content, between which lies an unfathomable difference. Also, he decided to be a shut-in when he was 18, and I don't think anyone at that age is capable of making such a tremendous decision.
> 
> You have an unjustly negative attitude to work in general. I'd say kings and queens don't scrub the floor because they rule their kingdom, which is, in my opinion, no less important and noble, and certainly more arduous, than scrubbing the floor.
> 
> He's already stated that he is not really happy. I won't purport to have figured out what happiness is, but I know what it is not. If I'm happy, I wouldn't want to throw my life away just because I don't feel like writing articles to earn money. I would want to prolong my happiness, even if it means spending some time on things I don't like.


Didn't mean to ignore your questions - just got off on another rant. And I do think some other people have shared their stories on this thread and it isn't JUST for TCyan's concerns, in response to your point that my situation had nothing to do with his since "we're talking about TCyan." I think we're talking about a lot of people in this thread and their similarities and/or differences from him.

And your point about kings and queens and their arduous work. Do you think all rich socialites engage in arduous work because no one could possibly be happy just being idle? I think there are many "idle rich" people who don't work because they don't have to. And I doubt there are ANY rich people who take arduous jobs, like maid or yardwork or whatever, just because they want to. And plenty people, if not most, who don't feel the need to be "noble or important". In fact, I know few who do.

OH - and one other thing - another brainstorm. I'd be interested in reading your story, TCyan - and whether you admit it or not, you ARE a good writer. An objective, clear, honest relater of your own truth. Nowadays, you can have a book published for free! I know because my husband just did it - he's a professor of programming so it's a whole different kind of book - but anyway, you just write up your book as a PDF file and submit to one of the free publishers, and then it's put on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc., and you get 1/3 or so of the book's price when it's sold.

His book is $30 or so and he gets about $10 I think for each one that's sold. I've heard that every writer has to start with his "autobiography" in order to get the 'cobwebs' out and be truly ready to branch out. Maybe you could consider writing your autobiography, including your childhood experiences and just everything up till now, and title it "Autobiography of an Agoraphobic" or something that would catch the attention of fellow agoraphobics, social phobia sufferers, and even psychologists and the general public. I'd certainly buy it!

And it might lead to nothing more than being able to honestly tell people you were a writer and you'd published one book so far and were hoping to do more (whether you were or not) to get people off your back -- or it might sell enough copies to help you get some funds to save for that 'rainy day' in the future, to put off the inevitable running out of money in case you can't conquer your problems enough to work and can't find another solution -- or you might actually realize you ARE a writer and you can branch out and write other things, either all based on your own observations (continuing sequels to your first autobiography) or fiction or whatever.

You know, I bet there are a lot of people in your shoes. People with agoraphobia so severe they can't work, they can't even make themselves seek treatment or government disability benefits -- and yet they find themselves without (or fear being without) family support. We wouldn't hear about them, of course, because I bet many of them are much shyer and less brave than you are, TCyan, and couldn't bring themselves to talk about their predicament on a message board. Well - there's another reason your book might resonate with an un-reached segment of the population!

Anyhow, it's just a thought - but if you or anybody else is interested in self-publishing a book, I could get the name of the publishing companies for you from my husband, as he investigated a few places before deciding on one - the one he used was "Create Space". It's never been easier to be a writer - just write a book and publish it! If one or two people buy it, hey, you're a success  [though I might suggest using a fake name because obviously this subject stirs up responses filled with hatred and anger - yikes!]


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## weiweidav

ndh505 said:


> You have an unjustly negative attitude to work in general. I'd say kings and queens don't scrub the floor because they rule their kingdom, which is, in my opinion, no less important and noble, and certainly more arduous, than scrubbing the floor.


i loled when i saw that part. im sure it was noble of them to "rule their kingdom" instead of doing their own housework. but wot about playing archery, hunting wild animals, banging *****s, drinking wine while servants entertain them while ppl clean their castles for them? 
You really think the king would clean their own windows if only they had the spare time? cook their own feast? maybe some have done it a few times. seeing as from ur posts ur obviously a smart person i am shocked.

sure i agree on some things u say, like tcyan SHOULD do SOMETHING to try break out of his too comfy lifestyle, but my original judgement still stands. from all ur posts u think u know exactly the way the world ticks, and how everyone ticks. 
u also know the cure for tcyan becuz u kno exactly how he feels, seeing as u been thru SIMILAR exp, but not, the SAME experiences..

wana bet ur life on it then? if tcyan goes gets a job, lives in society, try to make friends, ask a girl out, after a year his symptoms will dramatically get better then? can u guarantee that he wont get hurt even more, **** him up worse than hes already is? becuz obv thats where all this resistance is coming from. hence why he is entitled to those strong feelings. 
i dont think u wud take that bet tho wud u? if this ends up putting him into deeper pain than he is already in for another 12 yrs wud u be willing to slit ur belly in seppuku as payment. but its not ur own life ur putting on the line after all. 
so therefore, tcyan is simply a lazy maggot, who refuses to do wat he shud, according to u


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## Reposada

I found this summary of some of Otto Rank's work (famous psychoanalyst who studied under Freud, and who Freud considered his most brilliant student):

First, there is the *adapted type*. These people learn to "will" what they have been forced to do. They obey authority, their society's moral code, and, as best as they can, their sexual impulses. This is a passive, duty-bound creature that Rank suggests is, in fact, the average person. 
Second, there is the *neurotic type*. These people have a much stronger will than the average person, but it is totally engaged in the fight against external and internal domination. They even fight the expression of their own will, so there is no will left over to actually do anything with the freedom won. Instead, they worry and feel guilty about being so "willful." They are, however, at a higher level of moral development than the adapted type. 
Third, there is the *productive type*, which Rank also refers to as the artist, the genius, the creative type, the self-conscious type, and, simply, the human being. Instead of fighting themselves, these people accept and affirm themselves, and create an ideal, which functions as a positive focus for will. The artist creates himself or herself, and then goes on to create a new world as well. 
*Life and death* 
Another interesting idea Rank introduced was the contest between life and death. He felt we have a "*life instinct*" that pushes us to become individuals, competent and independent, and a "*death instinct*" that pushes us to be part of a family, community, or humanity. We also feel a certain fear of these two. The "*fear of life*" is the fear of separation, loneliness, and alienation; the "*fear of death*" is the fear of getting lost in the whole, stagnating, being no-one. 
Our lives are filled with separations, beginning with birth. Rank's earliest work, in fact, concerned *birth trauma*, the idea that the anxiety experienced during birth was the model for all anxiety experienced afterwards. After birth, there's weaning and discipline and school and work and heartbreaks.... But avoiding these separations is, literally, avoiding life and choosing death -- never finding out what you can do, never leaving your family or small town, never leaving the womb! 
So we must face our fears, recognizing that, to be fully developed, we must embrace both life and death, become individuals and nurture our relationships with others. 
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/rank.html

I'm not sure it's really relevant here but something about the "Life and Death" part really resonated with me, in connection with my social phobia/agoraphobia, and I thought maybe somebody would find them interesting and pertinent to wanting to completely withdraw.


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## StayingMotivated

what are you going to do once your parents have passed? who will take care of you?


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## ndh505

TCyan said:


> Well, I didn't choose to be a shut in when I was 18. I just had a "mid life crisis" when I was diagnosed with SAD and depression. I was put on suicide watch for a few days and laid in bed like a vegetable not doing anything for those few days. It was like my soul left my body. Then after that, I just started living like a normal 18 year old without a job would. After a few months, my parents started talking about me going to college, and I had a panic attack in front of them. After that, they said I can take my time and do whatever I want until I feel like it's time to do something. 12 years later, I still don't feel like I'm ready to do anything. I'm still having panic attacks when I go out in public, and I get bouts of weakness on a daily basis. I truly feel like there's no way I could get a job outside of this house. My overall heath has diminished over the last decade. I don't get much exercise and my body is just wasting away.


So it wasn't a decision. The change occured throughout several years. I'd say, it's perfectly natural you still don't feel like doing anything. We overcome inertia not by sheer will, but by actually moving and taking actions. No one would do anything at all if he/she waited for motivation to magically appear. That's why so many people have told you to take some small steps.



TCyan said:


> Bottom line is, I don't care. My parents are fine with taking care of me. My brother is 23 and still lives with us too. Only difference is, he has a life. I didn't decide when I was 18 that I wanted to be a shut in. It just happened that way over time. I couldn't really tell when exactly I decided I wanted to stay this way, but it wasn't for at least a few years after I started.


This, too, is natural. Since there was no one forcing to get out of your comfortable lifestyle, and your environment was secure and comfortable, you were unable to find any motivation. By the way, you should have a conversation with your parents, because I just can't accept your claim that they are "fine" with this situation.



TCyan said:


> ndh505, would you still hate me if I got a stay at home job and still stayed home forever and never went outside? Is it just the fact that I'm not working or is it the fact that I'm not going outside that makes you mad?


Neither. It's the fact that you're wasting your potentialities without trying even perfunctorily even when you know it's wrong. While you've acknowledged that your lifestyle is wrong, and it's obvious some change is necessary, so many questions remain unanswered. Like, how strong is your agoraphobia? Is it curable? If it is, how long will it take? Is it worth it? What do your parents really think about you? What do you really mean when you say you're not really happy, but content enough to stay this way forever?

I'm absolutely sure your unconsciousness is exaggerating the severity of your circumstances, but how much I don't know. You won't know, either, if you don't try from the beginning. All this fuss originates from your refusal to do anything. If you had tried something, then probably most people wouldn't have tried to get through to you at all and accepted your allegation that you were simply destined to be this way. How can anyone determine the best course of actions for you when you don't try anything anyone propose? I know it's hard to destroy the routine that has continued for 12 years, but frankly, this is too much.


----------



## ndh505

Reposada, I respect your opinion, but you seem to have already decided that his agoraphobia is incurable. I'm sure it is in no way mild, but your undue emphasis on its severity is disturbing and inordinate. I get a feeling both of us are relying way too much on our own experiences and instead of viewing things objectively. I've now realized I'm guilty of this, so I guess I'll restrain myself, but you, too, are going too far ahead and justifying his predicament.

I don't want to sound rude, but I get a feeling you're simply venting all your pent-up feelings and unconsciously idealizing TCyan because your life didn't turn out well, without really considering what I write. I'm not against hermitship per se. What I object is his apathetic attitude, epitomized by his claim that he "does not want to do anything productive" and "want to rot" till his suicide. And whether you agree or not, I can't but suspect his repeated refusal to do anything to ameliorate his agoraphobia is more or less due to this overall lethargic life, not the actual severity of his agoraphobia.

Surely, you don't think he can continue this lifestyle unchanged then simply kill himself? I do not see why you have to so hastily conclude that he is already socially stranded so he shouldn't try from the beginning, when we all know that SA sufferers tend to exaggerate their circumstances, sometimes grossly. In this case, he gave up trying 12 years ago, and it's highly probable that a huge portion of his perception is distorted to some degree. Are you so credulous as to believe every single word he says? From his posts, it is obvious that even he does not view his life as right yet totally lack any motivation to do anything. You seem determined to convince him - and yourself- that he's free to go on like this, as if he has already exhausted all means. Thus I cannot agree with this subtle pessimism you support. Also, I want to remind you that he's already stated he likes the attention he's receiving. I suggest you modify your strategy, since it has made little headway and will continue to do so.



weiweidav said:


> so therefore, tcyan is simply a lazy maggot, who refuses to do wat he shud, according to u


 Yeah, he is certainly lazy, according to his following posts.



TCyan said:


> Yes my life sucks and I hate it. I hate living this way.
> 
> But, I don't care. It's too easy, too comfortable. I don't have panic attacks, I don't have anxiety attacks. So why should I bother going outside? I choose to live this way. I've grown accustom to this lifestyle.





TCyan said:


> Not interested in writing, reading, or anything productive for that matter.


If you're still curious or angry, PM me. I'm unwilling to post here anymore when TCyan isn't interested in anything anyone has to say.


----------



## TCyan

ndh505 said:


> By the way, you should have a conversation with your parents, because I just can't accept your claim that they are "fine" with this situation.


I have talked with them within the last 6 months or so. They asked me if I ever wanted to experience anything outside of this house. I said "No." They say "You are missing out on so much. You do know this isn't going to last forever, right? But we will take care of you for as long as we can." I see that as, they don't mind, because I'm their son. They aren't happy with me, but at the same time, they understand how screwed up I am, and will take care of me as if I was physically disabled. They still treat me as if nothing is wrong here. I never get the feeling they are looking down on me or anything like that.


----------



## ndh505

TCyan said:


> I have talked with them within the last 6 months or so. They asked me if I ever wanted to experience anything outside of this house. I said "No." They say "You are missing out on so much. You do know this isn't going to last forever, right? But we will take care of you for as long as we can." I see that as, they don't mind, because I'm their son. They aren't happy with me, but at the same time, they understand how screwed up I am, and will take care of me as if I was physically disabled. They still treat me as if nothing is wrong here. I never get the feeling they are looking down on me or anything like that.


 I still doubt they're all right... Who knows how they feel inside. Also, didn't you say they don't know you'll kill yourself when they pass away?

Anyway, I'm going to stop posting here. I know I made this promise before only to renege on it later, but this time it's real. This entire business suddenly appears pointless. It's not like this is a logical argument that can be concluded in a satisfactory way. As long as you refuse to listen, there's no point in this. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure what prompted me to do this from the beginning.

Well, I can see you're a nice person, and a talented, interesting writer. I get it my behavior has been disgusting, but still, I can't help feeling your attitude is plain wrong. And I still don't get what prevents you from taking all the jobs you can do without meeting people. Sorry, but I really don't get it. This has little to do with your agoraphobia, yet your lethargy seems to override everything. It's just sad that you should have let the world overwhelm you so completely.


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## Kusjmamire

I think you should do something crazy, to get yourself started with a new life.
I think if you continue living where you live now, you will keep being lazy forever.
The brain works with association. I am telling this from personal experience.
When i'm outside, or in my living room or kitchen, i have productive thoughts, motivational thoughts, and energy feelings.
As soon as i walk into my bedroom, it goes boom, energy level down, laziness in, take computer, browse the internet for hours.

You should do everything that is possible to get you able to seek a job.
That means, if your SA is currently too high to function in public, you need to get some benzo's , GHB, adderall or some other medication that works for you to be able to find and perform a job. Go for some hardlabour job, which pays good, and you can do a lot of hours. Work hard, it's only temporaly. Do everything you can to pump out cash every day.

Do this for 4-5 months.

Then get all your money together and move to a new place, eventually a new town, where they got good support groups and such.

Then slowly start getting off the medications while taking therapy, and take a more relaxed job where you have more free time to spend on therapy.

Believe me, having this 'fresh new feeling' in your new place will bring motivation with it.

Be sure to not bring your gaming consoles into your new place, and for the start force yourself to not laze around for a month. After a month this will be a habit and things will start to fall in place!

Motivation will be UP! Your life will go UP!.

In the meanwhile, repeat to yourself alot: 'I dont give a fck what other people say, do or think. I am going to do everything to set myself up again. Nothing i going to stop me.'

And just keep going until you end being a happy man with a healthy life and relationships in 1-2 years!


----------



## Ballerina

If I had a lot of time, I'd try to be the person who counted highest in the history of man. You should totally attempt it. One.


----------



## Lockup RAW Brain

*Can i hug you!*

Oh my god, I have never written something that I related to so deeply and I truly appreciate your honesty.. I am super sad, and your post brought tears to my eyes, (EVERYTHING DOES) but this really made me feel for you because I have extreme empathy for you. I felt like I was reading about my true self.

Have you ever tried any benzos? I am 35 and would have offed myself years ago if

)It were not for my parents, and 2) benzos. F Paxil, AND ALL SSRI's they are crap for what we have and it offends me that these A hole doctors prescribe them for our "Hermit" level of anxiety.

I feel like telling them do you want me to lay in bed waiting to die, or will you pick up your god damn pad of paper and give me an decent (whatever amount needed) supply of xanax or klonopin. The idiots who say they are so bad and are addictive do not have a clue (you seriously don't) as to what this man and I deal with every single day.

TO THE STINGY SHRINKS:

BEING ADDICTED TO BENZOS IS THE LEAST OF MANY OF US AND MY PROBLEMS!

READ THIS SHRINKS,

YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE MEDS THAT WORK BECAUSE YOU COULD CARE LESS ABOUT US AND ARE SUPER RICH AND SMART AND ONLY WORRIED ABOUT YOURSELVES.

BECAUSE OF YOUR REFUSAL TO PRESCRIBE THE ONLY MEDS THAT WORK, THANK YOU, I BECAME A HERION ADDICT, WHY? YOU THINK I GREW UP THINKING I WANT TO BE A JUNKIE! NOPE. NEWSFLASH- HEROIN AND OTHER ILLEGAL DRUGS WORK FOR SUICIDAL ANXIETY (NOT DEPRESSION MIND YOU)TOO.

IF YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM DISABLING, LIFE RUINING, SEVERE HERMIT ANXIETY , AND HAVE NOT HAD THE JOY OF BASICALLY WAITING TO DIE EACH DAY - YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BUSPAR OR ZYPREXA OR ANY OTHER NEW SSRI AND SHOVE IT!

I HOPE ANY DECENT DOCTOR WHO CARES ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE IS READING THIS POST.

I KNOW YOU WERE A STRAIGHT A STUDENT, GOOD IN MATH, SCIENCE AND SCHOOL SO NOW YOU ARE A PRESTIGIOUS DOCTOR . BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE OUR BRAINS OR CAN RELATE! EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ANXIETY AND ADDICTION YOU READ IN BOOKS OR CASE STUDIES. BIG DIFFERENCE.

SO EITHER I GET TO FIGHT THE URGE TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF EVERY DAY OR TAKE THE CHANCE OF BEING ADDCITED TO KLONOPIN. HMMM.....

YOUR CHOICE PSYCHIATRIST/DOCTORS WHO HAVE THE SWEETEST GIG IN THE SKY AND DON'T EVEN TAKE INSURANCE AND NOR DEAL WITH BLOOD, FECES AND CUTTING PEOPLE OPEN LIKE REAL DOCTORS. YOU ARROGANT JERK OFFS.

READ THIS AND THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BOX. WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET HIGH HERE, OKAY?

WE WOULD LIKE TO MAYBE HAVE ONE FRIEND, OR MAYBE EVEN A JOB OR BE ABLE TO ANSWER THE PHONE OR LEAVE THE HOUSE. IS THAT ASKING TO MUCH HERE?

BY THE WAY-THERAPY IS A TOTAL RACKET AND A JOKE FOR PEOPLE BORN WITH SEVERE ANXIETY AND MAKES THE PROBLEM WORSE.

YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO "TALK" MY ANXIETY OUT OF ME, I HAD A WONDERFUL FAMILY, GREAT CHILDHOOD, NO ABUSE OF ANY KIND, BUT WAS BORN WITH THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE.

WOULD YOU TALK BREAST CANCER OUT OF A PERSON, OR AIDS? DID'NT THINK SO. SAME DEAL. GET IT?

SO TAKE YOUR PAXIL AND STICK IT UP YOU A** AND GIVE ME BENZOS AND DON'T BE STINGY. YOU KNOW THEY ARE THE MAGIC BULLET.

BY THE WAY- SCREW EVERYONE WHO REPLIES TO MY POST SAYING THAT I AM BAD PERSON FOR SPEAKING THE FACTS AND TRY TO LECTURE ME ABOUT ADDICTION, SERIOUSLY, DON'T EVEN GO THERE WITH ME.

I APPLAUD THIS SWEET MAN AND HIS POST. FINALLY, A GOOD HONEST PERSON. BIG HUG -XOXO AUTUMN


TCyan said:


> Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
> 
> I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
> 
> I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
> 
> I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
> 
> All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
> 
> The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
> 
> I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
> 
> I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
> 
> I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
> 
> I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
> 
> Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
> 
> After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
> 
> But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
> 
> So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
> 
> I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
> 
> One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
> 
> Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
> 
> When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
> 
> Edit: Read more here.


----------



## bchris02

I was pretty much a shut in between 1998 and 2009. Had no friends, no life, nothing. It was non-stop misery. I have been trying to break out of my shell but its extremely difficult, especially since I get rejected every step of the way.


----------



## CoastalSprite

I won't pretend to understand such a condition because I can't stay in my house two days in a row without yearning to go out, but all the best OP. You seem like a good guy, intelligent, kind, and well-intentioned, and I feel like it's such a waste for you to withdraw from the world like you have. 

I also don't sense ndh's posts as containing any real malice or cruelty directed towards OP.


----------



## Veritastar

I was fine being a shut in... until I came in contact with some old friends and they seemed to have everything going for them. I suddenly wanted to have more of a life and haven't been able to hold still ever since. I am going back to school now and I am going to try really hard to become less socially awkward.


----------



## Juliette

CoastalSprite said:


> I won't pretend to understand such a condition because I can't stay in my house two days in a row without yearning to go out, but all the best OP. You seem like a good guy, intelligent, kind, and well-intentioned, and I feel like it's such a waste for you to withdraw from the world like you have.
> 
> I also don't sense ndh's posts as containing any real malice or cruelty directed towards OP.


I've been reading this thread from when it started back in June and ndh505 has been quite vitriolic at times. I can't go back and read all his posts as the thread is far too long. Maybe some of his comments have been deleted or modified.

I'd like to blame the fact the he is Korean and English isn't his first language, but I can't as his command of English is excellent and would put many of my fellow Englishmen and women to shame.


----------



## ohionick

I am not a shut in but i go everywhere alone, the mall, bars, the store even though it's extremely overwhelming being in public and being afraid of running into someone i know, i would lose my mind if i stayed in the house all day, so i just face that fear of people, i think most people on here have become victims of society and the media, society tells you to live in a certain way, act and walk and talk a certain way, dress a certain way then the media wither it be movies or music or magazines glamorizes these lifestyles and feeds it to the masses, i feel alot of SA comes from that especially in the teen years.


----------



## leave me alone

So you never want to experience anything outside of your house?

I can relate to you in lot of ways, but this one thing is different i guess. I know it is nearly impossible for me to have normal life, but i couldnt handle "life" if i didnt have atleast very little faith and chance of improving my current situation.


----------



## Icelanddude

sometimes i think some people are weak and some are strong and the weak ones like the people with SA and such just become a doormat for society unless they step up their game and start doing something with their lives.


----------



## CoastalSprite

Juliette said:


> I've been reading this thread from when it started back in June and ndh505 has been quite vitriolic at times. I can't go back and read all his posts as the thread is far too long. Maybe some of his comments have been deleted or modified.
> 
> I'd like to blame the fact the he is Korean and English isn't his first language, but I can't as his command of English is excellent and would put many of my fellow Englishmen and women to shame.


They're vitriolic at face value, certainly. But I don't sense on a deeper level he means to be cruel or malicious to the OP. Maybe I'm wrong but that's just my objective impression.

By the way OP- I really hope you don't kill yourself when your parents pass on. I'm just a stranger so I'm likely not worth listening to, but your existence has more worth than that :|


----------



## LukeUK

I read the first post and this summed up what I could be in 10 years...I already do most of the things the OP has stated...sigh


----------



## kev

CoastalSprite said:


> They're vitriolic at face value, certainly. But I don't sense on a deeper level he means to be cruel or malicious to the OP. Maybe I'm wrong but that's just my objective impression.


If you have the time, read more carefully, and you might change your mind. 
Besides, regardless of his intentions, he has been cruel not just to the OP but also to other members who have held different opinions to his own.


----------



## TCyan

You guys don't have to fight or argue about who's being too rude or rough or whatever. I'm not offended by anything or anyone in this entire topic. I've even seen the few posts that where much much MUCH worse compared to even what still exists in this topic now, and those posts got removed right away by moderators. I didn't even report them. ndh505 is okay with me.



Lockup RAW Brain said:


> Oh my god, I have never written something that I related to so deeply and I truly appreciate your honesty.. I am super sad, and your post brought tears to my eyes, (EVERYTHING DOES) but this really made me feel for you because I have extreme empathy for you. I felt like I was reading about my true self.
> 
> Have you ever tried any benzos? I am 35 and would have offed myself years ago if
> 
> )It were not for my parents, and 2) benzos. F Paxil, AND ALL SSRI's they are crap for what we have and it offends me that these A hole doctors prescribe them for our "Hermit" level of anxiety.
> 
> I feel like telling them do you want me to lay in bed waiting to die, or will you pick up your god damn pad of paper and give me an decent (whatever amount needed) supply of xanax or klonopin. The idiots who say they are so bad and are addictive do not have a clue (you seriously don't) as to what this man and I deal with every single day.
> 
> ...
> 
> I APPLAUD THIS SWEET MAN AND HIS POST. FINALLY, A GOOD HONEST PERSON. BIG HUG -XOXO AUTUMN


Thank you for the post. Yeah I'm just not interested in trying any medications. I'm paranoid about side effects and unwanted changes. I like staying they way I am. I just don't have any urge to change.



Starya said:


> I was fine being a shut in... until I came in contact with some old friends and they seemed to have everything going for them. I suddenly wanted to have more of a life and haven't been able to hold still ever since. I am going back to school now and I am going to try really hard to become less socially awkward.


I don't really have any old friends. I only have one, and I don't really want to "catch up" with him. He's got a wife and two kids last time I heard. There's no reason for me to get in contact with him. I couldn't even if I tried.



leave me alone said:


> So you never want to experience anything outside of your house?


I can't think of anything I want to experience in life out there. If I could stay in my room forever, I would.



LukeUK said:


> I read the first post and this summed up what I could be in 10 years...I already do most of the things the OP has stated...sigh


Better work on changing that. You don't end up like me, trust me.


----------



## ndh505

TCyan said:


> You guys don't have to fight or argue about who's being too rude or rough or whatever. I'm not offended by anything or anyone in this entire topic. I've even seen the few posts that where much much MUCH worse compared to even what still exists in this topic now, and those posts got removed right away by moderators. I didn't even report them. ndh505 is okay with me.


 No, it's a fact that I was rude. You may not have been offended, and I did see some deleted posts that you mentioned. But just becuase mods didn't delete all my posts doesn't mean my language was all right. At first it was your mention of suicide that angered me, but later I was angry at you as a person, and some of my posts were downright wrong. Well, whether you live this way or try to change, it's your choice, and as I said, I'm not going to write here anymore. While I still believe that your present lifestyle is wrong, now that I've cooled down, I must admit that I shouldn't have acted the way I did. It's no wonder others think I'm a cruel jerk. I apologize. I just hope someone will change your mind in the future, because, as others have told you, you don't deserve this.


----------



## trevor35th

I read the first 3 pages and last page of this thread, and to me, you truly sound content with your current lifestyle. There are a ton of people out there living in hell and struggling to survive.. at least you seem relatively content and are able to do what makes you happy. You refuse to give in to what society says you're supposed to do, which would put you right in the middle of hell. Everyone walks in different shoes, and you're making the best out of what was giving to you. That's what I got out of this thread... until your last post: "Better work on changing that. You don't end up like me, trust me". If I was in your situation, why not end up like you and be content?


----------



## TCyan

trevor35th said:


> I read the first 3 pages and last page of this thread, and to me, you truly sound content with your current lifestyle. There are a ton of people out there living in hell and struggling to survive.. at least you seem relatively content and are able to do what makes you happy. You refuse to give in to what society says you're supposed to do, which would put you right in the middle of hell. Everyone walks in different shoes, and you're making the best out of what was giving to you. That's what I got out of this thread... until your last post: "Better work on changing that. You don't end up like me, trust me". If I was in your situation, why not end up like you and be content?


Well, I meant it as, don't end up like me unless you have someone that will support you the way my parents support me. I could care less if anyone else wants to be like me and be a shut in forever, never having a "life". But I think this kind of life isn't for everyone though. Not everyone can shut themselves away from society for 12+ years and counting, and not go crazy from the isolation. Sure I'm at least socializing online, but I would imagine most people couldn't bare to live the way I do. I could be wrong though. Think about it, could any of you live with your parents for an extended amount of time and never go outside and be alright with it? And I don't know if anyone else could find the same support I have with my family.


----------



## loquaciousintrovert

I don't understand how you can say there's nothing outside you want to see when there's an entire world out there. You don't ever get curious about other places, what it would be like? I see pictures of Brazil, Japan and Sicily on the internet and get this terrible wanderlust, wishing I could go.

I have a desire to go live in another country.

I feel dissatisfied because I've never been out of the country, I'd go crazy if I knew I'd be locked in this house for 12 years.


----------



## TCyan

loquaciousintrovert said:


> I don't understand how you can say there's nothing outside you want to see when there's an entire world out there. You don't ever get curious about other places, what it would be like? I see pictures of Brazil, Japan and Sicily on the internet and get this terrible wanderlust, wishing I could go.
> 
> I have a desire to go live in another country.
> 
> I feel dissatisfied because I've never been out of the country, I'd go crazy if I knew I'd be locked in this house for 12 years.


I don't like traveling. I get motion sickness like no other. Plus I just don't really care about getting out there and seeing the world. It's all the same to me.


----------



## primalrose

trevor35th said:


> I read the first 3 pages and last page of this thread, and to me, you truly sound content with your current lifestyle. There are a ton of people out there living in hell and struggling to survive.. at least you seem relatively content and are able to do what makes you happy. You refuse to give in to what society says you're supposed to do, which would put you right in the middle of hell. Everyone walks in different shoes, and you're making the best out of what was giving to you. That's what I got out of this thread... until your last post: "Better work on changing that. You don't end up like me, trust me". If I was in your situation, why not end up like you and be content?


When you've been a shut-in for so long, your brain gets used to it in alot of ways. You convince yourself you're at least content with the way you are, and that at least you don't have to deal with so-and-so things. That you don't really need people to feel happy and they suck. I'd know since I have been a shut-in for nearly 9 years. I have gone out every now and then, but very very rarely. Only the past 2 or so years have I made an attempt to do things. A month ago I forced myself to go on a beautiful road trip with a boyfriend I met online and it reminded me just how much I was missing in life. It was so painful dealing with strangers the whole way through and I had alot of anxiety, but it was the first time I smiled and felt somewhat relaxed in years. When he had to go home and I was back into my usual routine of being on the computer for 10+ hours and never going out, my brain was struggling from the lack of stimuli. I'm happy I dared to go out and try and do something, it was worth the horrible anxiety attacks and it motivated a little to try and do more with my life. It's truly worth stepping out and willing to let yourself feel crappy, especially if you get to smile again.


----------



## trevor35th

TCyan said:


> Well, I meant it as, don't end up like me unless you have someone that will support you the way my parents support me. I could care less if anyone else wants to be like me and be a shut in forever, never having a "life". But I think this kind of life isn't for everyone though. Not everyone can shut themselves away from society for 12+ years and counting, and not go crazy from the isolation. Sure I'm at least socializing online, but I would imagine most people couldn't bare to live the way I do. I could be wrong though. Think about it, could any of you live with your parents for an extended amount of time and never go outside and be alright with it? And I don't know if anyone else could find the same support I have with my family.


I can sort of relate to your situation because I never socialize either, my family and all my old friends have moved out of state, and I have absolutely no incentive to socialize. Once every year or so, I'll try to talk to strangers or go out of my comfort zone, but it always makes me sick and plus I always make an *** of myself. I live with my brother, and he's the same way. I never feel lonely and I never have a desire to socialize.

Some people might consider me antisocial, but I don't see it that way. If I didn't have this debilitating panic/anxiety disorder, I'd be a different person. I do have feelings for others, I feel compassion and want to help others. Antisocial people actually lack anxiety or compassion when around other people. They have no feelings for others, and everything is just about them. I have major anxiety around other people, it consumes every cell in my body, and it gets me physically sick, which makes me different from an antisocial person.

Even though I dread talking to people, I do love going out. Just this past weekend, I drove 3 hours north to Wisconsin to visit a town I'd read all about on the internet. I didn't have to talk to anyone, but it was a rewarding experience just getting out, having a great time, and getting a change of scenery. I don't have anxiety unless I have to talk or perform in front of someone. If I can blend into a crowd, I'm all good. I think everyone here goes through different levels of panic or anxiety, but my gut tells me we can all get through it and maybe have a completely different life in the future if we don't let ourselves get too down and depressed in our day to day lives. Do whatever makes you happy and don't let anyone or anyone's expectations get you down. Anyway, that's my 2 cents for the day. :teeth


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## Antis

My parents would kick me out on the streets if I became like this. I guess it's based around family values?


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## TCyan

Antis said:


> My parents would kick me out on the streets if I became like this. I guess it's based around family values?


My parents see what I have as a crippling disorder. I see it the same way.

If you had a son that was mentally challenged and in a wheel chair, you wouldn't just kick them out of your house, right?

There's a difference from someone just being lazy and not working, staying at home, still socializing, going out, having fun, partying, making friends, not being productive with their lives, ect, and what I have. If I was going out and partying and making tons of friends, then my parents would kick me out. They see that I don't go out at all because I have panic attacks. They know something is wrong with me, so they allow me to be this way.

What, mentally challenged people in wheel chairs aren't allowed to play video games and watch tv all the time?

Sure, what I have can be worked with and I could turn my life around, but I don't want to. That's where my parents could be wrong and should push me to get better. But they don't. I'm glad they don't, cause my life would be a lot more miserable if I was being forced to try to change. I like being the way I am. It would be like telling an artist they shouldn't be painting and instead should be unclogging toilets for a living. I want to stay a shut in.


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## Antis

TCyan said:


> My parents see what I have as a crippling disorder. I see it the same way.
> 
> If you had a son that was mentally challenged and in a wheel chair, you wouldn't just kick them out of your house, right?
> 
> There's a difference from someone just being lazy and not working, staying at home, still socializing, going out, having fun, partying, making friends, not being productive with their lives, ect, and what I have. If I was going out and partying and making tons of friends, then my parents would kick me out. They see that I don't go out at all because I have panic attacks. They know something is wrong with me, so they allow me to be this way.
> 
> What, mentally challenged people in wheel chairs aren't allowed to play video games and watch tv all the time?
> 
> Sure, what I have can be worked with and I could turn my life around, but I don't want to. That's where my parents could be wrong and should push me to get better. But they don't. I'm glad they don't, cause my life would be a lot more miserable if I was being forced to try to change. I like being the way I am. It would be like telling an artist they shouldn't be painting and instead should be unclogging toilets for a living. I want to stay a shut in.


If you have a genuine uncurable physical disability it's not a problem. As for mental disabilities, they arise because of the way you live and continueously worsen as you continue your present life style. I can't even take a year out at age 18, my mum won't allow it, she sent me to university and made me be independent and face my problems early before my condition worsens and I turn into an unemployed, directionless 40 year old. It's best to tackle problems early before it spirals out of control and a decent mental state becomes unattainable. That's why once I turned 18 my mum slammed her hands down and said I've put my time and effort into raising you, you're not staying in my house and leeching or I'll kick you out. Early enough for me to still tackle my problems/disorders and turn my life around.

That's life...


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## TCyan

primalrose said:


> When you've been a shut-in for so long, your brain gets used to it in alot of ways. You convince yourself you're at least content with the way you are, and that at least you don't have to deal with so-and-so things. That you don't really need people to feel happy and they suck. I'd know since I have been a shut-in for nearly 9 years. I have gone out every now and then, but very very rarely. Only the past 2 or so years have I made an attempt to do things. A month ago I forced myself to go on a beautiful road trip with a boyfriend I met online and it reminded me just how much I was missing in life. It was so painful dealing with strangers the whole way through and I had alot of anxiety, but it was the first time I smiled and felt somewhat relaxed in years. When he had to go home and I was back into my usual routine of being on the computer for 10+ hours and never going out, my brain was struggling from the lack of stimuli. I'm happy I dared to go out and try and do something, it was worth the horrible anxiety attacks and it motivated a little to try and do more with my life. It's truly worth stepping out and willing to let yourself feel crappy, especially if you get to smile again.


I'm sure it's nice for someone to help you, like your boyfriend. I don't have anyone to help me though. I doubt I would allow anyone to help me anyway.



Antis said:


> If you have a genuine uncurable physical disability it's not a problem. As for mental disabilities, they arise because of the way you live and continueously worsen as you continue your present life style. I can't even take a year out at age 18, my mum won't allow it, she sent me to university and made me be independent and face my problems early before my condition worsens and I turn into an unemployed, directionless 40 year old. It's best to tackle problems early before it spirals out of control and a decent mental state becomes unattainable. That's why once I turned 18 my mum slammed her hands down and said I've put my time and effort into raising you, you're not staying in my house and leeching or I'll kick you out. Early enough for me to still tackle my problems/disorders and turn my life around.
> 
> That's life...


My parents tried to get me to go to college when I was 18, but since I started having panic attacks around that age, they felt sorry for me and let me just do whatever I wanted. It's too late for me now. I've let it become a giant disorder that I don't want to fix.


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## roses6

Do you post online on other forums and make friends online? Wondering because you said that you weren't in touch with people in real life.


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## TCyan

roses6 said:


> Do you post online on other forums and make friends online? Wondering because you said that you weren't in touch with people in real life.


I hang out on other forums, talk about video games and stuff... but I don't have any friends online. I don't talk to anyone in aim/skype/msn or any other messaging programs. I don't communicate via email with anyone.

There was a girl I used to have a "online relationship" with a few years ago, but we parted ways after she moved on with her life. She used to have anxieties and depression, and we would chat (and even talk on the phone sometimes) to each other day in and day out, about whatever we could, and just comforted each other. I helped her with her confidence and she eventually moved oversea to start working as a teacher. But I won't take full credit on helping her. I'm sure it wasn't only me that got her through her problems. We wanted to meet face to face someday, but it never happened.

We were good friends for at least 6 or 7 years online. She said she liked me a lot, but I think it was hard for her to want to be with someone like me. So we just ended communication with each other.

Honestly, it was hard for me to sit down and have conversations with her. It always felt like a choir whenever she wanted to chat with me or talk on the phone. I enjoyed talking to her, but at the same time, I just wanted to be left alone. I'm more of a forum person rather than a live chat/phone person. I like the freedom of being able to post on a forum, and then go do whatever I wanted. Being in a chatroom/IM or on the phone is too demanding of my time.


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## eh3120

TCyan said:


> Honestly, it was hard for me to sit down and have conversations with her. It always felt like a choir whenever she wanted to chat with me or talk on the phone. I enjoyed talking to her, but at the same time, I just wanted to be left alone. I'm more of a forum person rather than a live chat/phone person. I like the freedom of being able to post on a forum, and then go do whatever I wanted. Being in a chatroom/IM or on the phone is too demanding of my time.


It seems like you deem everything to demanding of your time. Honestly it seems like you have some serious self discipline issues. You dont want to change or do anything because it requires work that you are not willing to put in. So you have made yourself believe that this life is good enough for you but I think you know deep down thats not how you truly feel. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, dont be afraid of possibilities...disconnecting from change does not recapture the past, it loses the future.


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## leave me alone

TCyan said:


> Honestly, it was hard for me to sit down and have conversations with her. It always felt like a choir whenever she wanted to chat with me or talk on the phone. I enjoyed talking to her, but at the same time, I just wanted to be left alone. I'm more of a forum person rather than a live chat/phone person. I like the freedom of being able to post on a forum, and then go do whatever I wanted. Being in a chatroom/IM or on the phone is too demanding of my time.


Umm, this sounds way too familiar. It is kinda fun at start, but then you realize it is not what you are used to and feels unnatural. Also, "too demanding of my time" is exactly what i used to think, even though i had nothing meaningful to do anyway, its just that freedom of doing whatever i want (be it playing video-games, staring at the wall or whatever). 
I am not sure why i am posting this, but there ya go.


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