# How should a therapist address anxiety?



## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

I don't know what to think.
When I went to my therapist I was expecting to be asked about my specific fears and to communicate them but my therapist doesn't ask me such questions. I told him that I am afraid of the exams and of failing but that was already it. He never digged deeper and he also doesn't ask me other questions like for example wether I have familiar problems or any other problems. I thought that if I go to a therapist he'd ask me all kinds of questions and try to get a grasp of my entire situation but he doesn't.
He said that talking about fears isn't very effective and that you can spend 20 years talking about fears without getting anywhere.
Instead he showed me a breathing exercise which is supposed to help against fear.
But I doubt that such exercises are really able to help you with really strong or acute fears. 
If all people needed to learn is a few breathing exercises then this means the therapist doesn't have to know anything about the patient other than that he has fears. 

I really thought that fears which are basically all based on thoughts needed to be battled on a thought level and not just with a few breathing exercises.

I really have the desire to talk about my fears and to get some of the fears off my chest which drag me down but I never get the chance to even bring this up. 

I don't know what to think about this.


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## Guy Foxe (Nov 25, 2011)

You probably just haven't found the right therapist. Different therapist use different styles. I've been to three therapists. One when I was a teenager who just gave me random sorts of tests (still no idea what the point was), one that used to tell me things like "Latino's like you are a very emotional people, that is why you get so irritated." I would explain that my family had only been in Latin American one generation, that we were from Germany before that and that I didn't think I was very emotional but then later she would harp back on how Latino's were so emotional. Which would make me irritated and she would take that as confirmation that I so "hot blooded." (She said a bunch of other stuff that seemed pretty racist too during my visits.)

Anyway, the third therapist I went to used to actually dig and find out about my whole situation and not just project onto me. I got the most from him until I moved.

In other words, you just have to dig.

Here is the link of a therapist my friend went to and got a lot out of it:

http://drorma.com/2011/06/28/five-myths-and-five-truths-about-emotions-part-one/

I found the stuff on his site pretty useful for thinking about anxiety.

Anyway, maybe you should try another therapist is my point.


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

Thanks. I will give him a few more sessions and then I'll see what comes out of it. But what I already worry about is that if this doesn't work for me then I'll be frustrated and disappointed and probably even think that maybe it's my fault that it didn't work.


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## Guy Foxe (Nov 25, 2011)

It will definitely *NOT* be your fault. Finding a therapist that really works for you is a little bit like finding a friend or roommate that you really get along with. It takes some work but it is so worth it in the long run.

My experience is that you need to try it for a couple of sessions and then if it doesn't feel like a good match try another therapist who takes a different approach.

And trust you gut instincts about this sort of thing. You probably know what you need.

Anyway, good luck with it.


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi, the problem is that maybe I'm simply someone who cannot be helped.
I also tried self-help books and stuff which probably for others but not for me and this also makes me feel like maybe it's my fault.
The therapist also said that I resist everything. But what if I feel like an advice simply doesn't "work" for me? Then this is how it is.
For example if my therapist makes suggestions such as finding a hobby to feel better but this stuff doesn't address my real problems (fear of exams and other stuff) then in my opinion this advice doesn't work for me or help me. I want to address the real issues and being told stuff like go walking or go jogging doesn't cut it for me but my therapist is like: You simply resist everything. 

Bottom line is, I can't tell if it's me or him. What if I'm simply immune to most advice? I also listened to a book from Seligman called flourish. In this book he suggests methods like writing down 3 positive things every day. He said that these methods even work for highly depressed people. But such advice wouldn't do much for me. The fact that it helped others also doesn't help me. I can write down 3 positive things every day (if I even find some) and my situation is still as crappy as always and my circumstances still make me drown in hopelessness and despair. Then how does this stuff help me? Or how does jogging help me when I feel hopeless in my mind? All these advice do not really solve anything.
But maybe this simply shows that psychology is unable to really help people. After all psychologists cannot change your circumstances. 
But if all there is to psychology is making a few suggestions like go jogging or do some meditation then it's really disappointing.


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## Guy Foxe (Nov 25, 2011)

I think I get what you're saying. Let ms see if I can repeat it to you as I hear it: It is important to understand the root of your problem so that you can change it. What is the use of trying to change exterior circumstance if the root of your problem is still there festering.

I think that is totally true. By itself, just going for a jog or writing down 3 positive things isn't going to do anything. 

But I guess your psychologist would say that doing these sorts of exterior things helps to change the interior. Kind of like an actor who dresses like the king so that he can start to feel like him. 

I don't think by itself doing these exterior things can change everything but maybe if you find a pscyhologist who can get you to do both, work on the inside and the outside at the same time...maybe that will take.

Either way, I can't see how it is your 'fault'.


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

the probelm is that i cannot change or solve any of the problems which depress me or scare me. i have no influence on them this is why i dont even know how psychology could help me other than saying something like _deal with _it or _get over it_ or _others are in worse situations than you stop being a sissy_... 
but none of those advice help me. my circumstances are too bad to not be totally depressed.


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## Guy Foxe (Nov 25, 2011)

When therapy has worked for me, it has mostly been in two ways:

First, it has helped me to understand how my particular circumstances have helped to shape my hang-ups. That didn't really change my situation, but it did give me some perspective into why I'm screwed in this particular way rather than another.

Second, with a cognitive approach I did learn how to identify thought patterns that led me into downward spirals or kept me from thinking clearly about my problems. Figuring out how to recognize my triggers helped to avoid going downt the rabbit hole over and over, and, learning skills like how to listen and communicate helped me to get closer to those who were most important.

Of course, no psychologist is going to solve all your problems. But I think a good therapist will help you to make incremental changes that will hopefully help you improve your overall quality of life. 

I certainly think it is worth a try.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

norad said:


> He never digged deeper and he also doesn't ask me other questions like for example wether I have familiar problems or any other problems. I thought that if I go to a therapist he'd ask me all kinds of questions and try to get a grasp of my entire situation but he doesn't.


I ha the same thing going to the psychiatrist. Hardly bothered to explore the things I was alluding to and I felt deflated afterwards. Surely they should be asking loads of questions. I



> He said that talking about fears isn't very effective and that you can spend 20 years talking about fears without getting anywhere.


WTF? I'd go see someone else. CBT is about the best thing there is as far as I understand it.



> Instead he showed me a breathing exercise which is supposed to help against fear.
> But I doubt that such exercises are really able to help you with really strong or acute fears.
> If all people needed to learn is a few breathing exercises then this means the therapist doesn't have to know anything about the patient other than that he has fears.


I'd definitely see someone else.



> I really have the desire to talk about my fears and to get some of the fears off my chest which drag me down but I never get the chance to even bring this up.
> 
> I don't know what to think about this.


I think this guy sounds like a quack. Infact print off this page and show it to him. I'd say it to his face if I could. I absolutely deplore this kind of irresponsibility from health professionals...



> Hi, the problem is that maybe I'm simply someone who cannot be helped.


The problem is that you *think* you can't be helped. This is not a good way of approaching th matter.



> I also tried self-help books and stuff which probably for others but not for me and this also makes me feel like maybe it's my fault.


Which self help books. Can you be sure they worked for other people? People who have the same problems you do? I wouldn't put too much hope in things like that. Don't put yourself down just because some book writes a cheque it can't cash.



> The therapist also said that I resist everything. But what if I feel like an advice simply doesn't "work" for me? Then this is how it is.
> For example if my therapist makes suggestions such as finding a hobby to feel better but this stuff doesn't address my real problems (fear of exams and other stuff) then in my opinion this advice doesn't work for me or help me. I want to address the real issues and being told stuff like go walking or go jogging doesn't cut it for me but my therapist is like: You simply resist everything.


Walking or jogging. Is this as part of a wider strategy or is this it?



> i have no influence on them this is why i dont even know how psychology could help me other than saying something like _deal with _it or _get over it_ or _others are in worse situations than you stop being a sissy_...


I am personally not convinced of the efficacy of psychology _per se_. Some individual therapists may be good IDK. What I am aware of is that CBT is both empirically based and puts the tools you need to firmly into your hands. The therapist in this instance is a teacher. You are learning the subject so that you can apply it to yourelf rather than relying on an "expert". When it comes to your emotions there is only one expert. You...


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi, I also think I will get a new therapist.

I even asked him about CBT and he said he knows CBT but he said that you can go even deeper. But what he does is not deeper. As far as I understand it you talk a lot in CBT right? And you're asked tons of questions. He does none of that. His relaxation exercise doesn't help me with my fears and thoughts.
I am really disillusioned. He studied this stuff for years and doesn't seem to understand fears very much. How can you address fears only with such silly relaxation methods?

My problem is that I have always had depression and fears. And then due to my circumstances it got a lot worse. I have a lot of real health problems which cannot be cured with medicine which totally drag me down and make me feel like life is pointless. The stuff I liked I cannot do anymore. My life only consists of worries and things I hate.

I don't know how should a therapist help me? Shall he tell me that my diseases aren't that bad? Or shall he tell me that my life doesn't suck? But being told this doesn't help me because I know what I feel and think. I even have a hard time getting up in the morning. Even leaving the house is totally uncomfortable for me cause I got problems with my eyes. I have so many aches and pains in my body and various other crap which is totally depressing. I cannot change these things. I wish I could. If my problems could be removed or solved then at least I could have hope. If my problems were only psychological then there was hope but I cannot change my health and also not my messed up situation. I really don't know how anyone should help me with this. I bet other people in my situation would also be depressed.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

My old one was the same way, I have so much anxiety and she only taught me breathing exercises, she never asked where it came from, what my fears where, nada, even when I started to tell her where it probably began, she pushed it aside :/ I gave her up but idk probably shouldn't have because I cant ever get a new one.


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

RawrJessiRawr said:


> My old one was the same way, I have so much anxiety and she only taught me breathing exercises, she never asked where it came from, what my fears where, nada, even when I started to tell her where it probably began, she pushed it aside :/ I gave her up but idk probably shouldn't have because I cant ever get a new one.


That sucks. Why cant you get a new one? But I think going to a therapist who sucks will only make you worse. At least it makes me feel worse. It upsets me and angers me. I go home after the session and only feel empty and angry. That's not helpful at all.

If a therapist isn't really able to solve ones problems then I'd at least expect some empathy or that he tries to understand your situation but my therapist acts like it doesn't matter at all what my problems are. I have the impression that he'd say exactly the same stuff to every person no matter what their situation is. 
I'd not even have tried therapy if not so many people had told me to. I already expected that therapy wouldn't work and that psychologists cannot really do much for me expect give some ridiculous advice and it seems like I was right.


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## cosmicserpent (Jan 7, 2011)

norad said:


> I don't know what to think.
> When I went to my therapist I was expecting to be asked about my specific fears and to communicate them but my therapist doesn't ask me such questions. I told him that I am afraid of the exams and of failing but that was already it. He never digged deeper and he also doesn't ask me other questions like for example wether I have familiar problems or any other problems. I thought that if I go to a therapist he'd ask me all kinds of questions and try to get a grasp of my entire situation but he doesn't.
> He said that talking about fears isn't very effective and that you can spend 20 years talking about fears without getting anywhere.
> Instead he showed me a breathing exercise which is supposed to help against fear.
> ...


Get a new therapist immediately. He or she is wasting your time.


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## cosmicserpent (Jan 7, 2011)

Breathing exercises are all well and good, but it doesn't cure anything. We are trying to find a *CURE* here.


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

cosmicserpent said:


> Breathing exercises are all well and good, but it doesn't cure anything. We are trying to find a *CURE* here.


I see it exactly the same way. I asked him if fear (thoughts) do not need to be dealt with on a thought level and not just breathing exercises but he told me stuff like when you do those exercises then you're relaxing and you cannot be relaxed and afraid at the same time and when you do those exercises then the thoughts will not have power. I think this is nonsense. I can sit there all day doing this exercise and there can still be a war raging in my mind and I am totally restless. I'm really kind of amazed by his advice.

But the question is wether there is a cure. If you're depressed, like me, because of being sick which I cannot change then I don't know how you could cure that. He told me stuff like accept what you can't change as if stuff like that would help me. If I could just get over it I'd have done it by now.
And the other thing I'm afraid of has to do with final exams which I feel like everything depends on. I'm totally afraid of them and have been afraid of them for years and now where they are getting closer I feel much worse. But this breathing stuff definitely doesn't help me with my fears.
But at the same time I don't know what would help me. Usually when one is dealing with fear one would try to disarm a fear by thinking about what is the worst thing which could happen. But such stuff doesn't work for me cause the worst thing must not happen. I simply cannot remove the pressure because too much depends on those final exams. And also the people I know tell me that I have to do it because otherwise it'll all be over which also doesn't help me but only makes it worse for me.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

norad said:


> I have so many aches and pains in my body and various other crap which is totally depressing. I cannot change these things. I wish I could.


What kind of aches and pains? How old are you? From the way you are talking I get the impression you are advanced in years, am I right? Ill health, aches and pains, etc. are not things that simply come with old age. There is always a cause and older people have just had longer for their condition to deteriorate that do younger people.

Perhaps you could do with radically altering your diet and taking up some light pilates type exercises. People often say that they eat healthily but opinions differ on what constitutes "healthily". I suffer from fibromyalgia and keeping active and stretching lots is the only thing so far that helps. But I lack motivation and sometimes feel very fatigued. Raw vegetables, B vits(high potency) and minerals(including chromium) all help greatly with staving off fatigue and keeping me relatively active. Pilates and yoga are the best thing for keeping the joints young and the muscles in good condition.

Exercise is also very helpful for depression. Relaxation will do depression no good but can be helpful with anxiety(although not SA I don't think). A good CBT course will help you stick to a exercise regime also. I think CBT principles should be taught in schools. I have only a rudimentary understanding and haven't yet been on a course but I will hopefully be doing it in the new year...


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## norad (Oct 24, 2011)

Hello,
I don't know why I have so many aches and pains. No doctor could really help me. Back when I was still working out which was basically my only hobby and the only thing I enjoyed I had pain in joints all the time and no doctor found anything or could help me. I don't know what is wrong with me I only know that something is wrong. Long time I was treated like a hypochondriac because I was "officially healthy" but then I more or less accidentally found out by showing a few odds things to some of my doctors that certain things are clearly wrong with me which point to fundamental genetic problems and this basically settled it for me. I cannot do anything against genetic stuff. 5 years ago I was still in the gym lifting weights, something I couldn't do now anymore. Now I even have pain in my shoulders and other areas without doing anything. It's simply pointless.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

norad said:


> Hello,
> I don't know why I have so many aches and pains.
> 
> ...I had pain in joints all the time .


Which joints are painful? All of them? There are so many things that pass the doctors by, unless you get a good doctor. Fibromyalgia can cause pain in and around the joints. Lupus can manifest in joint pain.

If you have been lifting weights and not stetching this can put strain on your joints. Poor posture can effect you joints more than you might think and can cause serious pain in the shoulders neck and arms.

Try going to a pilates or yoga class and going on a raw food diet for a while.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Norad, you could overcome your fear of exams by taking practice exams. Exposure is the most effective therapy for phobias. Obviously, you also need to be confident in your ability to do well on the exam.


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