# Dreams



## shiznit (Nov 21, 2004)

It's funny because I never heartedly saw myself as someone with dreams. I am slowly realizing that I have one the greatest dreams in the world, the true understanding that self acceptance will result in indescribable things for us SAS'ers. 
When I say indescribable, I mean it. I mean it because for the most part, us SAS'ers live life blind, day and day out. We lack to see the most important things in our lives as we are so self absorbed. Right? All we think about is ourselves and the resultive hell we create as a result. 

I understand now my happiness grows consistently as a result my self acceptance. Even though I have been told all others make similar mistakes, it meant nothing because my immediate self disagreement overpowered their statements. After focusing on how others make mistakes all the time, I was convinced. That convinced me I can screw up as I have many a times, but will ultimately succeed as a result with the right mind set. Read on please. 

Anyways, I know now that I have had great dreams for a long time, since 1995 to be exact, am I old or what? :kma I never saw the dreams clearly and I believe most SAS'ers are in the same boat. I am slowly learning to appreciate all I have been through and understand where I am today. It's nice.

I was so low once to think of death as my reality, I understand but laugh at it now. Think about it, we overcome this crap we call SA, and we can be amazing. To truly feel that accomplishment will make me cry for joy, for sure. Am I wrong? We will overcome crap we have created in our own minds over the years and acquire what I believe to be of the most beneficial skills in life, communication. Please argue that if you disagree. Thanx.

Speals


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## Melusine (Jun 19, 2004)

Speaking of dreams, i was actually going to post a seperate thread, dreams seem to be a popular title, but anyways, it's not exactly totally positive, but, anyway, i dreamt that i was working for this corporation, and i was *gasp* handing out cigarettes to people dressed in camel outfits (you know, the camel guy?) :lol Yeah, wierd....
I don't know why....could it have some sort of symbolism to it?


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## Farren (Jan 5, 2006)

> I am slowly learning to appreciate all I have been through and understand where I am today. It's nice.


Speals, great post... I love it. When I have SA-free days, it feels like I am literally 100 pounds lighter. Everyone carries baggage, but those with SA tend to pack and unpack that baggage more often than necessary. One day we will put it down for good.


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## shiznit (Nov 21, 2004)

Farren said:


> > those with SA tend to pack and unpack that baggage more often than necessary. One day we will put it down for good.


Thanx for your belief Farren. You are exactly correct. Our day is to be our drive. I so have my really bad days but strive to forget them and remember the good ones. Keeping them fogged glasses clean is damn tough, but keep wiping, as seeing the positive should be sweet.

Speals.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

shiznit said:


> It's funny because I never heartedly saw myself as someone with dreams. I am slowly realizing that I have one the greatest dreams in the world, the true understanding that self acceptance will result in indescribable things for us SAS'ers.
> When I say indescribable, I mean it. I mean it because for the most part, us SAS'ers live life blind, day and day out. We lack to see the most important things in our lives as we are so self absorbed. Right? All we think about is ourselves and the resultive hell we create as a result.


Yes Farren, I agree also. I'll keep thinking about unfogging the glasses too.

Do you mean the dream of awakening from the dream? If so, then yes. The path to "radical acceptance" does lead to that great place of awakening, of seeing.

And totally, self-absorption has been a poisonous symptom of what I call our mental "malgorithms". I still feel like I can't see! I want to see. It's like floating, eyes closed, in the ocean, and opening them only to find how far from the shore you are.

I feel that self-centering is different from self-absorption. In centering, I am being present.

I am trying so hard right now but I am so stubborn and infuriated that it fuels my self-absorption to he point where I find I keep missing out on the good things in life. I am totally focused on some self-destructive delusion when I feed into my fury and self-loathing.



> I understand now my happiness grows consistently as a result my self acceptance. Even though I have been told all others make similar mistakes, it meant nothing because my immediate self disagreement overpowered their statements. After focusing on how others make mistakes all the time, I was convinced. That convinced me I can screw up as I have many a times, but will ultimately succeed as a result with the right mind set.


I couldn't agree more. What I have tried to do for years now is see my mistakes and the mistakes of others in a warm, loving, accepting light. It feels good when I and others can warmly accept each other's mistakes. I don't mean the kind of "mistakes" the president makes. I mean the beautiful, everyday kind. The kind that means we are trying in earnest to live and love. It becomes comedy when viewed with loving and accepting eyes. I often forget to feel this way-- forgive myself for how I feel I've failed myself. And I've _really_ failed myself recently, treating myself with abuse, neglect and contempt.



> Anyways, I know now that I have had great dreas for a long time, since 1995 to be exact, am I old or what? :kma I never saw the dreams clearly and I believe most SAS'ers are in the same boat. I am slowly learning to appreciate all I have been through


That's funny 1995 (age 20) is when I realized that I wasn't just some worthless, helpless ragdoll living with fate in a trash heap. I remember it perfectly: I was on a train from Rochester to Manhattan one afternoon when I actually realized that I was a legitimate, real human being and that the rest of my life was up to me. I didn't even think I was alive before that.

Since then, however, my dreams have been so large and great that coming to grips with the day to day reality of making them happen has also been difficult.

So as a result, I have found that gratitude for what you are and what you have and what you've been through... has (on account of major, major depression) been enormously difficult to develop, but essential to experiencing the beauty of living.

I agree that overcoming the delusions, illusions and thoughts we have are the accomplishment for a lifetime. Our steep learning curve somehow contributes to the profound level of our subsequent clarity and the deep empathy and compassion we are able to feel. Oh, yes, and communication. For me, most often, communication with myself, resulting in secure and sincere, fearless communication with others.

You know, I think this post just changed my day. I was feeling so bitter but you reminded me that I have a great deal to feel grateful for.  Thank you so much.


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## shiznit (Nov 21, 2004)

That is an awesome post popeet!!



> Do you mean the dream of awakening from the dream?


That is kinda what I meant. You're right in that I have been living somewhat in a dream world. By that I mean just living day to day while assuming things were going to work out in the long run.

What I meant by dreams was that now I actually have long term goals. I know what I want to do with my life from a career standpoint. I know what I will be able to do SA free. I have faults I have created as a result of comparing myself to my father for years. I am slowly accepting that I am not him, I am me. I have begun my journey by getting an awesome job that is teaching me the basics I need to succeed. Simply, the dream is to accept myself and always continue to better myself. Sorry if that is confusing.



> mental "malgorithms"


That is an an excellent way to define our minds mathematically. The key is understanding that we internally created these malgorithms ourselves, generally as a result of experiences with the external environment. It's all perception.



> I am totally focused on some self-destructive delusion when I feed into my fury and self-loathing.


I do the same when I really need to be the strongest. I have an idea now as to why I do this, why I will immedieately start feeling sorry for myself when tough situations arise. I lack the ability to control my emotional state. I become very self emotional because I am addicted to that self loathing feeling. This addiction puts me back to square one in certain areas. Without a doubt, I am better than I was a year ago, I have come a long way.



> It becomes comedy when viewed with loving and accepting eyes.


I am looking forward to that day for sure. So many areas of my life I take too way seriously. The ability to laugh at your own and others mistakes is a beneficial attribute.

Sorry, this is a partial reply, but thanx popeet. Your post has been very beneficial. Thanx.

Speals.


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