# My friends forced me to hang out with them?



## Sweetlolly

I'm a 19 year old female with several types of anxiety disorders, including social anxiety, and I feel VERY uneasy being outside of my house on some days. I didn't give in to this, and I try to leave my house more often, but I want to take things slow and I am in no rush.
But my friends are a huge problem for me sometimes. I have these 2 friends that I started hanging out with 8 months ago, when college started (that's where I met them). They are both pretty awesome, but they're different from me. They're extroverted and they love going places and doing stuff, whereas me - I'm heavily introverted, plus, I'm terrified of the outside world (agoraphobia over here). They want to help me - they always try to make me do stuff with them (nicely, of course), and I do join them if I'm feeling well that day, but if I don't feel well, I don't go. Here's the problem - I feel like I rarely cancel our plans, but they don't feel the same way - whenever I cancel, it's just too often for them. We literally see each other every single day for several hours and it's SO exhausting. When I come home, I can barely even function. I have tried explaining it to them, how much things wear me out and overwhelm me, but they just don't seem to get it.
Here is what happened today and it's the reason I'm writing this - we were exiting our class and I was just so ready to head home and just relax since I've hardly had any sleep for the past week because of constant worry about finals. And here's what they did - they told me I have to hang out with them today instead of "rotting in front of my computer for another day". Of course, they made it playful and it was all like "come ooon, it will be fun, we wanna hang out with you, please come with us". It was so frustrating, I just wanted to tell them to back off and just let me go home! I told them, MULTIPLE times, I'm headed home and I just wanna go back home, I mean, they're psychology students too and they know about my anxiety. I guess they thought they were helping me when they were literally carrying me into the tram with them when I was ready to leave. I am not even joking - they grabbed me so I couldn't move and pushed me into the tram with them. I was basically kidnapped by them.
The rest of the day was several hours of torment. They took me to a place CRAMMED with people to eat, where I barely contained myself from having SEVERAL anxiety attacks, walked all over the town with them feeling so dizzy amongst so many people, before finally coming home, all sweaty, terrified and worn out. I honestly believe they had a wonderful time today, while I felt like I was dying. 
I have no idea what to do anymore. I've already had an almost fight with them, where I explained to them to stop inviting me out to clubs because that's just not my thing and it scares me to death usually. They accepted that, but now they INSIST I join them wherever they go after class, when all I want to do is head home and rest because class makes me very tired. 
I have no idea what to do. Anyone any advice?


----------



## Imbored21

You have good friends. You're damn lucky imho.


----------



## tidbit

It sounds like they're really trying their hardest to make you feel included and involve you in situations that are outside your comfort zone. Perhaps they're being to forceful about it, but I believe from what you've described, that their intentions are good. They're just going about it the wrong way. 
Maybe instead of focusing on how anxious you are when you're out with them, try and instead focus on having fun and being in the moment.


----------



## Sweetlolly

I wish I was "just" anxious. I don't sleep at all, I sleep like 3 hours every single night, I'm completely stressed out about finals and my body needs certain things a couple of times throughout the day. I am extremely tired. I can't focus on them and "trying to have fun" when my head is dropping.


----------



## Penguinfan

Sweetlolly said:


> I wish I was "just" anxious. I don't sleep at all, I sleep like 3 hours every single night, I'm completely stressed out about finals and my body needs certain things a couple of times throughout the day. I am extremely tired. I can't focus on them and "trying to have fun" when my head is dropping.


I understand that you have finals going on, and especially with social anxiety going out to public areas even with friends is very anxious. I used to be like that but I've hung out with my friend a few times and it doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore becauase I got used to being out in public areas. Tell them that you have finals right now, and after they are over, you can hang out. Being honest, I wish my friend was like your friend because I would love to be asked to hang out rather than me always asking.


----------



## hmweasley

I think it's nice that they seem to want to include you in everything that happens, and I think their hearts are in the right place. I would try to sit them down for a serious discussion on why it is you sometimes don't want to go out. If you haven't, maybe flat out tell them that you have good days and bad days, and sometimes you just really need to stay at home. Hopefully they'll understand or at least be willing to listen.

Also, maybe suggest that they spent more time at home with you if that's an option you're comfortable with? That might be easier on you, but you still get to spend time with them. Maybe you just want to be alone or they really want to go out so that won't work, but maybe that could be an idea for whenever they really want to spend time with you but you're not entirely up to going out. It might be some sort of compromise.


----------



## Dilweedle

It's good they're getting you out of your comfort zone, but they should step back every once in a while and give you some time to recharge. Maybe you could just tell them you're stressed out and need some sleep, spend the weekend resting or doing something simple like watching a movie with them or something.


----------



## chompers

Yes, it sounds like your friends care about you and it's nice that they make an effort. At the same time they need to respect your needs and boundaries, and stop trying to "fix" you. You need to communicate your needs and boundaries to them clearly and calmly, probably with some tact since it seems like your headspace is not that relatable to them.

This is an unhealthy dynamic that is going to blow up eventually, probably when you are physically and mentally unable to take any more, by the sounds of it. So, if you don't discuss this with them now, it will probably be a lot more messy when it's forced out of you. Good intentions are great, but people patronizing you and thinking they know what's best for you and ignoring what you tell them isn't. 

Perhaps it would be helpful to frame some of your preferences under introversion rather than as a pathology of anxiety, and from what you describe it sounds like this would be accurate. There's nothing wrong with being introverted and it's not something you need exposure for.


----------



## Malek

Focus on finals, explain it's importance and promise to hangout afterwards, they'll understand.

I used to have friends like that, they'd try and try to coerce me outside.... 

They have eventually given up on me.


----------



## You Reach I Teach

You're lucky, I'm so lonely and hope everyday maybe just maybe my friends might call me out ... just maybe.


----------



## SofaKing

I think it's reasonable to invite them over for a serious conversation. Let them know how much you appreciate their efforts to overcome your anxiety, but that their methods are too aggressive and it's becoming counter productive. It's important that you recognize their best intentions and promise to work with them, but at a different pace. Perhaps they'd be interested in working on a schedule with you where you set the amount of time you spend on the kind of exposure therapy they are interested in.


----------



## ikrisskross

To be completely honest, you are *damn* lucky to have friends like that. I was literally talking to someone about this the other day that I wish I had friends that would invite me to places because I've rarely been invited anywhere damn near my entire life. People conveniently forget about me all the time, which is stupid considering anytime that I ever do go out with people, people would text me like "You're so funny, glad to hang out with you today, you should hang out with us more often!"... And then forgotten about.

That being said, don't fight with them over this.. Because they're being good friends and trying to include you; I really want to stress this because I don't want you to lose them as friends and regret it later by not having anyone to hang out with or talk to. This is nothing a quick and easy conversation with them can't solve. Maybe explain that you have a bit of anxiety? They may try and help you. Let them know you're busy with finals and stuff (they should definitely understand!).

Stepping out of your comfort zone is great for you. It's helped me out immensely. Just do as you said, take it slowly, have a conversation with them.


----------

