# My boyfriend expects me to change for him



## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

I have an idea. You should marry him, have a few kids. You'll probably fight all of the time because of you know, the fact he doesn't actually appreciate you as a person. Then you should get divorced and have a custody battle for the kids.

Or you can leave him right now. But hey, it's your choice.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Unfortunately it sounds like a reasonably fundamental issue with the relationship and expecting one party to change in order to make the other happy (when it's a core aspect of their personality) is a pretty tough ask. If becoming more extroverted is something you genuinely wish to achieve for your own happiness (not his) than perhaps there would be the possibility of things moving forward and you both being more socially compatible however if it's something you view as part of who you are and an aspect of your personality that you are comfortable with, than trying to change that for him would only be doing yourself a disservice. You are not on this planet to make other people happy at the expense of your own, you need to do things for you. If changing is not going to make you happy than there is only one option, and the one which I doubt you would want to hear.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Is there a way you could met him half way with this. Don't change who you are, but I guess in relationships we need to compromise a little at times. If you can't do it explain this but if it it somethibg you'd like maybe do it slowly with your boyfriends full support. Don't respond to demands either.


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## Khantko (Apr 27, 2012)

two choices:

1) go out with boyfriend meet new people and satisfy his wishes 

2) split up and find someone else with similar habits

i've heard many times about these kinds of relationships they never work in the long run, you are just delaying the inevitable 

cheer up, you'll meet the introvert of your dreams one day


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

I wouldn't change for anyone and maybe he should be more introverted. I think people should like you for who you are and not try to turn you into who they want you to be.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

If he was average it might be okay but from what you have posted before it sounds like he is quite extroverted. That is just going to cause conflicts. Extroverts get restless when with one person all the time. They really enjoy socializing with numerous people. 

And it might be an age thing too. Young guys are often real into their friends for whatever reason. 

I had similar problems with my exes. It got to a point where I would fantasize about their friends and family being run over by a big truck. I really enjoyed hanging out one on one with my exes but their stupid friends always tried to ruin it.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

If you've been together for 4 years and he's saying this sort of stuff now, then, all I can really say is that I'm sorry.


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## davidc (Nov 20, 2008)

That he says he gets bored spending time alone with you is more worrying than the rest. Even if you do make an effort to be more outgoing, it might not be enough in the end.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

He either has to love you as you are or move on. This isn't something that can be forced out of us. If you would like to change yourself then maybe he can help slowly expose you to more social situations. But he has to understand that some days you just won't feel like it.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

davidc said:


> That he says he gets bored spending time alone with you is more worrying than the rest. Even if you do make an effort to be more outgoing, it might not be enough in the end.


I agree with David's sentiment. It's not necessarily your personality that's the problem, it's that he's getting bored. He's bored and thinks why am I bored? Because I spent my time with my girlfriend who spends time at the house. He wants more stimulation, that's why it seems like it's coming from no where after 4 years. Maybe find introverted ways to spice things up? If not, I'd start thinking about an exit plan. Never change yourself for someone, you will end up hating yourself and them for it.


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## Donnie in the Dark (Mar 15, 2011)

Lasair said:


> Is there a way you could met him half way with this. Don't change who you are, but I guess in relationships we need to compromise a little at times. If you can't do it explain this but if it it somethibg you'd like maybe do it slowly with your boyfriends full support. Don't respond to demands either.


 This is good advice. You can understand his frustration, right? But at the same time you can't just completely change and make your SA suddenly disappear, or turn into an extrovert. But you could explain this to him and promise to make an effort to accommodate his wants a bit. 
In the end how you live is your choice not his.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Donnie in the Dark said:


> This is good advice. You can understand his frustration, right? But at the same time you can't just completely change and make your SA suddenly disappear, or turn into an extrovert. But you could explain this to him and promise to make an effort to accommodate his wants a bit.
> In the end how you live is your choice not his.


So the first option, then.


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## Donnie in the Dark (Mar 15, 2011)

Sacrieur said:


> So the first option, then.


 Sorry, I don't know what you are referring to.


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## wallenstein (Mar 27, 2013)

Sacrieur said:


> I have an idea. You should marry him, have a few kids. You'll probably fight all of the time because of you know, the fact he doesn't actually appreciate you as a person. Then you should get divorced and have a custody battle for the kids.
> 
> Or you can leave him right now. But hey, it's your choice.


This


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

This probably won't be what you want to hear, but I think your boyfriend is on to a good thing. We all need friends, introverted or not. 

Are there any friends of his that you feel at least somewhat comfortable with? Maybe you could start slowly and hang out with him and one or two other people that you're OK with, and see how that goes.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

After almost 4 years, a relationship normally has gone stale. All that stuff about you he was probably just using as a scapegoat for the real issue. Even if he'd apologized, he'd remain discontent and would lash out again from time to time.

It could turn real ugly, so I say break off the relationship now when you're more or less still friends and move on.

Edit: Btw, you do need to change, but it can be hard to change when you're with someone who has always known you.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

My problem is that you shouldn't have to change. He's literally telling you to stop being so introverted because he doesn't like it.

Exactly what future do you see with this guy? He thinks you need to change to fit HIS needs and be who he wants you to be, rather than how you actually are. And unless he undergoes some massive internal epiphany that's not going away any time soon.

He's being controlling, you said yourself he's demanding all of this. My bet is that he'll leave before too long, at least if you resist. He might even become emotionally abusive if he doesn't.

Four years? That's great, so give him a chance. One. For being committed this far. But you shouldn't have to put up with this.


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

Dump him and find someone who understands. He seems to fail to understand that ur supposed to be his best friend and put you over his bros


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## AdamUK (May 1, 2004)

I disagree with most of what people are saying other than the reply saying he Might be onto a good thing!

correct me if I'm wrong but the b/f sound understanding normally but out of fraustration said those things.

sounds like he just went about telling you in the wrong way. This is a 4 year relationship so I am frankly annoyed with people saying break it off!

I guess it comes down to would you like to change and what is realistic in changing. your posting on an SA forum which tells me you must want to change some things about the way you are.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Was this just one day or one incident where he said these things? Or is this an ongoing theme where he expresses these sentiments a lot?


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## Haunty (Oct 24, 2008)

Read "The Power of Introverts" by Susan Cain and then tell him to read it.

"Demands" in a relationship are not a good thing, caring concern is another thing. But when an introvert and an extrovert are together, there has to be compromises on both sides, and both have to be willing to compromise.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

KelsKels said:


> After almost 4 years, he is saying hes tired of me being an introvert. He told me I need to hang out with other people more and be with his friends. He said hes sick of spending all our time alone together, and hes gotten to the point that he likes spending time with his friends more than me because he gets bored. He thinks I should be able to change all my insecurities and anxiety and be happy and make friends. He demands all of this and said "I don't expect it all to happen this month.. but I cant wait ten years."
> 
> What the **** am I going to do? Hes the only person I have in my life other than my parents. I have no idea what to do.


ihmo you are not the same person who started dating him 4 years ago (15 years old), you've both changed, maybe its time to move on


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## DubnRun (Oct 29, 2011)

I would love an introvert gf, more so than an extrovert. damn
dont be quick to change for anyone you don't fully trust i guess


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## GotAnxiety (Oct 14, 2011)

Dump him and date me! 

Problem solved.


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Uhh no.

Introversion isn't something people need to give up ffs.


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

Sphere said:


> Many people don't seem to understand what introversion is, it does not mean a person spends all there time alone and never goes out and doesn't spend time with friends. Most introverts enjoy socializing, they just "need" to spend time alone to recharge. Extroverts are the opposite and feel drained when alone and "need" to recharge by socializing.
> 
> I think your boyfriends request is reasonable depending on the circumstances, It doesn't sound like he's asking you to become a full on extrovert, he just wants some of the time you guys spend together to include other people and not just the two of you. You could do something with him and his friends occasionally, you will both have to work out how often that happens and compromise.
> 
> ...


What an odd thing to say.


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

It means I disagree.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Sphere said:


> Many people don't seem to understand what introversion is, it does not mean a person spends all there time alone and never goes out and doesn't spend time with friends. Most introverts enjoy socializing, they just "need" to spend time alone to recharge. Extroverts are the opposite and feel drained when alone and "need" to recharge by socializing.
> 
> I think your boyfriends request is reasonable depending on the circumstances, It doesn't sound like he's asking you to become a full on extrovert, he just wants some of the time you guys spend together to include other people and not just the two of you. You could do something with him and his friends occasionally, you will both have to work out how often that happens and compromise.
> 
> ...


I'm inclined to agree with this based on just this post alone. I don't necessarily believe your boyfriend wants you to become an extrovert. The simple truth is, you will probably always be introverted and you're comfortable that way, and that's okay. From the sounds of this post alone, he seems to appreciate you being introverted. He probably meant to communicate that he'd like to meet you in the middle by asking you to compromise and spend some time with his friends, and I think that's quite fair. In moments of frustration, sometimes the way we talk comes off as an attack, despite us meaning well. You both have needs. It's somewhat selfish to not attempt to get to know and spend time with other significant people in his life aka his friends especially when he's been sacrificing for you, by spending all this alone time.

If you can both feel satisfied with this compromise, then I don't think breaking up is necessary. After all, relationships are about finding people who compliment our personalities and bring out the best in us, not people who mirror us. It's natural to feel defensive towards someone who challenges us, even if it will help us grow. Finding someone who is equally as quiet may be detrimental by enabling your SA. To coddle you or enable your SA would be doing you a disservice, he is just helping you grow a little by helping you with your SA, not asking you to change your introverted character. As sphere said, introverts like to socialize too, so you not wanting to spend time with his friends has more to do with your SA than you being introverted.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

I think at the very least you should have a conversation where you explain what you feel is the proper way to communicate to you. Perhaps you are not opposed to the idea of trying if it was asked of you, maybe even offered to be your partner and help you overcome it. But demanding and expecting and making a decision FOR you without even including you is disrespectful at best and at worst flat out controlling.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

I was reading this blog of yours. Based on that, you don't want to add him as another reason for your SA, so dump him. I've read other blogs about your relationship with him, and all I can say is he doesn't seem like someone you should even care about.


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

You said a request, I thought it was a demand. Also, telling other people that they're giving poor advice. I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't said that. I'm one of those people. It's up to the OP what she wants to do, I was just telling her what I thought.


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## HitGirl (Mar 12, 2013)

Yeah that's rough. Guys come and go though. If this one can't like you for you at this point after all this time, I say either give it a try for a while if you confortable and you love him enough, and if it doesn't work out, it might just be for the best to just split. I for one would have been pissed by his "bored of just being with you" comment. That's a bit disturbing to me.

There probably are better, more understanding guys out there imo.


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## little toaster (Jul 5, 2012)

You can still be an introvert and have plenty of friends. It's nice to spend some time apart with your own group of friends.

It's nice to be a little independent so that you don't have to depend on each other for every single thing when you can take care of it by yourself and with your friends without getting him involved.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Gizamalukeix said:


> You said a request, I thought it was a demand. Also, telling other people that they're giving poor advice. I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't said that. I'm one of those people. It's up to the OP what she wants to do, I was just telling her what I thought.


She said demand.


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## Gizamalukeix (Sep 16, 2012)

That's what I meant lol. I know she said demand, that's what I said.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

just let him hang out with his friends. If you're going to monopolize all his free time then you're going to have problems.RT


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Oh.

I have trouble deciphering language sometimes.


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## Durzo (Jun 4, 2011)

KelsKels said:


> Thats the thing, he has tons of time with his friends I dot see him at all Tuesday-Friday because I work 10 hour days at school. Then he works and goes to school also so we don't have much time Saturday-Monday. He has a game night every Saturday he stays with one group of friends.. then he picks up his best friend from work a lot and they hang out afterwards. Even when he's home he's always spending time with his brother's friends. So trust me, I do not monopolize his time. I use to in high school, but definitely not any more.. yet he still gets upset that I don't spend time with his friends. It's like he has to be around tons of people all the time. He's an extreme extrovert


It sounds like he wants you in his life more in the way he wishes to live it... more than wanting to be part of your life and how you wish to live yours, if that makes sense to you. It sounds like he wants to spend time with both you and his friends a lot, but the clash of personalities is making it impossible. To be honest If a compromise isn't met, which will require work on both of your parts, then this will only end badly.

The way I see it, is he should devote some time to JUST you with no friends, and you should spend some time socialising with him. This is the only way I see it working in the long run, eventually one of you will get fed up and snap. However if you do not want to become more social and meet half way, then that is your choice and completely fine. If you do want to become more extroverted, then this can be some motivation to keep trying to progress.

If it was me, I would give being more social a go, and if it was making me unhappy and not going down a road I wanted to be headed, I would explain that to him. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend time with his friends a lot, nor is there anything wrong with him wanting to. It is just one of many personality clashes that happen. Unfortunately compromise is the only way forward if you wish for the relationship to succeed. It has been 4 years though, I would definitely make any decisions slowly and seriously....


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## Snow Bunny (Jan 28, 2009)

Sounds like a poop head.


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## SPC (May 14, 2011)

life01 said:


> ihmo you are not the same person who started dating him 4 years ago (15 years old), you've both changed, maybe its time to move on


bump


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## JAkDy (Jan 23, 2011)

I'd give the more social thing a shot seeing as you sort of want it too anyway at some stage, but probably worth a chat with him to let him know it is difficult. Then maybe a plan from now to where you want to go (so steps or social milestones to what your goal is).

Most concerning thing is that he reckons your alone together time is boring, that's a whole different kettle of fish. Though he may have said that in the spur of the moment.

I think he just wants what you want in a way, you would prefer he accept that you're not this way necessarily, and he'd like if you take him for who he is with friends and all cause that's a part of who he is. 
Maybe he feels uneasy that you don't like it if he's hanging with friends too much or something and figures it wouldn't be an issue if you all got along together. Do you ever tell him he doesn't spend enough time with you or spends too much time with his friends?


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## enzo (May 30, 2011)

I don't know why some are attacking the guy for his request. It sounds like a reasonable position.

Four years is a very long time. You're both different people than you were at the start, especially considering your age. But I think regardless of age, people inevitably grow apart.

If you want to make it work, and he matters to you, _this_ is the best advice here:



Sphere said:


> Many people don't seem to understand what introversion is, it does not mean a person spends all there time alone and never goes out and doesn't spend time with friends. Most introverts enjoy socializing, they just "need" to spend time alone to recharge. Extroverts are the opposite and feel drained when alone and "need" to recharge by socializing.
> 
> I think your boyfriends request is reasonable depending on the circumstances, It doesn't sound like he's asking you to become a full on extrovert, he just wants some of the time you guys spend together to include other people and not just the two of you. You could do something with him and his friends occasionally, you will both have to work out how often that happens and compromise.
> 
> ...


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Oh no he's just demanding she become the person he wants her to be. He thinks there's something wrong with her.

That's not reasonable. That's unreasonable.

As for how long you've been together being a factor, that's just escalation of commitment. If he's abusive is it suddenly okay because you've been together for four years?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Sacrieur said:


> As for how long you've been together being a factor, that's just escalation of commitment. If he's abusive is it suddenly okay because you've been together for four years?


That's true. I learned about sunk costs in my business classes. She doesn't have a kid with him and he's not supporting her financially, so the 4 years really don't matter. If anything it would be best not to marry your high school sweetheart.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I think his request is pretty reasonable. If the relationship with him matters a lot to you, you should push yourself to hang out with him and his friends. Whether or not you can change your "anxieties and insecurities" is up for debate, but you can definitely manage them.

Look at it from his perspective: if you had other friends, wouldn't you want him to spend time with them as well? Especially after being together for four years? 

And if it doesn't work out and you end up breaking up, there's no reason why you can't keep a friendship with him. Of course, you'd have to give each other some time apart, but you can pursue a friendship with him afterwards if you grown apart.


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

I guess reading everything here, I would say if you can calmly discuss it, is there any way you can try say to balance a trade. You get a "Date Night" (just you and him) and he gets a "Party" night (where you guys get together and hang out with him and his friends). 

Then you guys get to see each other, you still get plenty of alone time , he still gets plenty of time with the boys. And you get to see each other a couple nights a week. Obviously not that exact compromise but I think something like that would be worth trying if you want to make it work.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

I think when you're in a relationship you should want to make the other person happy and vice versa. It appears that for 4 years he has accommodated your SA and spent a lot of time alone with you. Maybe it's time now for you to accommodate him a little and move outside your comfort zone.

What is your relationship like now? Do you guys go out? How frequently? Do you ever hangout with anyone else as a couple? What is it that you don't do that he wants you to do?

Try to be very specific about what he wants. If he wants you to be just like him then that is not possible. If he just wants you to go with him when he hangs out with friends then that sounds reasonable.


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## Soilwork (May 14, 2012)

I think the key word here is "expects". If he was merely encouraging you for your own benefit then it might be different but it sounds to me as though he is quite demanding.

I really don't know your relationship with him well enough to make an informed decision, but I would say that if it really matters to him that you have a busy social life then it probably won't work out between you two in the long term.


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## AdamUK (May 1, 2004)

sounds like you push yourself to do things difficult to do already with school etc. that's courageous so don't be to hard on yourself.

Your b/f must be anxious about something? can't you explain to him that what he's anxious about you get just being in a room with people.


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## enzo (May 30, 2011)

Sacrieur said:


> Oh no he's just demanding she become the person he wants her to be. He thinks there's something wrong with her.
> 
> That's not reasonable. That's unreasonable.
> 
> As for how long you've been together being a factor, that's just escalation of commitment. *If he's abusive is it suddenly okay because you've been together for four years?*


Straw Man attempting to Appeal to Emotion. Unless, you're referring to his request as "abusive", which is deserving of a post of its own.

You've misunderstood my post. Time is only a factor in the likelihood that they've grown apart and was never used to weigh in favour of them staying together.


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## DiceMan (Mar 26, 2012)

Not to sound like a dick but every other month you post pretty much the same **** about your bf.

Not going to change until you do something. Conform or bounce.


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## rapidfox1 (Sep 13, 2010)

Either work out your problems together where both of you will find solutions in order to be happy.

Or split up and be independent. Perhaps in time, you can ind an introvert boyfriend.

Don't end up together if the both of you will be unhappy. You don't want to spend the rest of your lives unhappy just because of each other.

Then there's the fact that you fear solitude. Tis better to be alone than in bad company. Accept solitude to be at ease with it.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

KelsKels said:


> Thats the thing, he has tons of time with his friends I dot see him at all Tuesday-Friday because I work 10 hour days at school. Then he works and goes to school also so we don't have much time Saturday-Monday. He has a game night every Saturday he stays with one group of friends.. then he picks up his best friend from work a lot and they hang out afterwards. Even when he's home he's always spending time with his brother's friends. So trust me, I do not monopolize his time. I use to in high school, but definitely not any more.. yet he still gets upset that I don't spend time with his friends. It's like he has to be around tons of people all the time. He's an extreme extrovert


I wouldn't tolerate that. If you were hanging out every day and he wanted to see his friends once or twice a week, okay. But if you only see him a couple days a week then I don't think it's too much to ask that those times be one on one.

It might not even be you being shy. You might just not enjoy hanging out with his friends because you don't like being around groups of people or you may simply not like his friends very much. Personally, I only like being around certain people and I'm rather particular.


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

is this relationship over yet? any update?


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

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## Theillusiveman (Mar 18, 2013)

KelsKels said:


> I tried to explain how difficult and awkward it is for me and he said I just need to* "try harder" *to get along.


Oh no, not one of those. If someone tells me that one more time, I my just wake up in prison for what I'll do to them. I just wish SA was just more well known and more respected, because it's actually a nasty disorder that screws up nearly everything.


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

Give him a list 5 pages long what all you want to change in him. That should fix the problem.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

sounds like a silly excuse to want you to change, I can understand if someone wants another to change their behaviour because its hurting them. but sounds a bit lame moaning about being bored.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

KelsKels said:


> But I really dont spend much time with him at all! It's like he's just bored unless hes hanging out with his friends. It's so frustrating.


What do you guys do together?

Maybe you just need to do more fun things together.


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