# What if I turn into a serial killer?WARNING: DISTURBING VIOLENT AND ****ED UP CONTENT



## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

*[deleted]*

* Deleted because content is outdated and I don't want to get new crap because of an old post because people don't read all the 14 pages and don't know what's changed so yeah. Time to put this thing to rest folks *

(1 year later than OP or so)

Hello dear people,

I've returned from being absent for a long time from this thread, and there are a few things I'd like to say.

For starters I want to say that if I could delete this thread I would, since it no longer has a purpose. I started it because I was confused and scared and in search of answers that I found thanks to some of you. Understanding the proces behind your thoughts is vital, even moreso when you're not content with them.

Anyway, I consider this a closed thread. Ofcourse practically it isn't and you can still reply and naturally I wouldn't mind that, it's just that the "problem" I was having ( of what nature that problem was you can decide for yourself, so have I, and through it I have solved it ) is now gone.

I thought it would be right to let you guys know how it's revolved. So for those who care, I have realized how this whole thing was the result of anxious thoughts about being insignifficant, ignored, not being seen or valued, which lead to a burning desire of achieving that which I thought I was lacking, a desire that couldn't be fulfilled because the wrong that people had done to me was all in my head. This turned me into an angry, bitter and paranoid misanthropist searching for the ultimate recognition. A potential "solution" was found and that formed the base of an obsession.

The insight to that came a long time ago but for some other reasons I have returned to this forum and I felt like this thread was something unresolved so here I am dealing with that since getting rid of all you witnesses would cost me too much ammuntion

You all have a good day


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## abom (Feb 28, 2012)

I think this is definitely something you should seek help for. Especially if you're having these thoughts and are scared of them yourself.


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## DAM71392 (Jan 28, 2012)

cool story bro , tell me how it ends


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## april14 (Feb 29, 2012)

ummmm......okay??


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

yeah you should really seek help this is something totally abnormal


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I see you're on prozac, perhaps that has something to do with the thoughts? I think (not 100% here) some kids on medications like that have brain chemistry changes that include thoughts like this.

ETA: Def talk to someone about this.


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## biffyclyroluver (Mar 4, 2012)

You are a good person, because you understand that your thoughts are wrong, so I would contact a doctor or therapist before you begin to believe your thoughts are good.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

Barette said:


> I see you're on prozac, perhaps that has something to do with the thoughts? I think (not 100% here) some kids on medications like that have brain chemistry changes that include thoughts like this.
> 
> ETA: Def talk to someone about this.


yeah thats what i was thinking, talk to your doctor asap, before you do something stupid


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

Believe me human flesh is something you don't want to eat raw, really it could get you sick, which most cannibals actually cook it. I think for you it's more, "curiosity", maybe, but I still suggest seeking help as they aren't "good" thoughts that are in your mind. You've never actually killed someone but thoughts of it are in your mind and that may be a sign of frustration for you, you're dealing with tough things or you feel unhappy and are really "disturbed" right now. I hate people as well, but I don't let myself get carried away, I probably only feel this way because of being alienated for so long. Punching your friend and killing your friend are two different things, yet another sign of frustration. Seriously it sounds like you need help, even if you're not psychotic. Maybe it's just killer instinct.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

I wont lie, this scares me.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

You should find ways to channel your thoughts into a more constructive outlet, like art or running. Your brain is wired differently. It's not your fault. But you can't act on your impulses.
I actually don't recommend therapy, based on research that therapy for psychopaths is ineffective. It teaches them to better manipulate others, and increases crime rate.


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## BarryLyndon (Jun 29, 2010)

Leave the animals alone


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## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

Dude no offense but this is boring. It's not disturbing at all, I read it for nothing.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Nada said:


> I wont lie, this scares me.


Well, I sort of warned you didn't I?


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Dude no offense but this is boring. It's not disturbing at all, I read it for nothing.


Ummm it's not supposed to entertain you, it's obviously something that bothers the original poster, it's not a "LOL LOOK HOW DARK AND EDGY I AM." as most people would like to say, but she feels a sort of aggressive nature, I suggest she picks up a sport, something to outlet all that anger and desire to hurt others.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Barette said:


> I see you're on prozac, perhaps that has something to do with the thoughts? I think (not 100% here) some kids on medications like that have brain chemistry changes that include thoughts like this.
> 
> ETA: Def talk to someone about this.


I feel stupid for not thinking about this being the cause. The meds also recently got raised to 30mgs.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Meds will not explain the whole picture, such as the animal torture when you were younger.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Dissonance said:


> Ummm it's not supposed to entertain you, it's obviously something that bothers the original poster, it's not a "LOL LOOK HOW DARK AND EDGY I AM." as most people would like to say, but she feels a sort of aggressive nature, I suggest she picks up a sport, something to outlet all that anger and desire to hurt others.


Like Dissonance said, this wasn't meant for entertainment purposes. I suggest that if you're bored and looking to entertain yourself, go watch a movie, read a book, play an instrument, play Skyrim or watch porn, whichever you enjoy the most.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Dude no offense but this is boring. It's not disturbing at all, I read it for nothing.


people here have problems **** face, and need to vent


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

Reading this was chilling to say the least.
The bit about the dog and the animals especially upset me and made me pretty effing angry. I really don't like that, and if I ever knew someone who mistreated a dog/pet or family member I'd be over their house with a bat for some home schooling. (yes, you aren't the only one who feels like cracking heads sometimes)

And I bet there's some other good people who would do exactly the same if you pulled some more of your sick actions on a dog, or some other helpless person who can't fight back. 

To be honest, everything you have said disturbs me, at least you have aired the blatent problem and I really think you should see a doctor / shrink / therapist or whatever before things really do get serious and you end up spending life in prison and having hurt some innocent person.

It's sad to say that but it's what I believe will happen next.

Also, stop treating your friends like crap. You're lucky to have them. :no


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nothingman said:


> I know this might scare you or upset you. *I might even like it if it does*.


That's twisted.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

laura024 said:


> You should find ways to channel your thoughts into a more constructive outlet, like art or running. Your brain is wired differently. It's not your fault. But you can't act on your impulses.
> I actually don't recommend therapy, based on research that therapy for psychopaths is ineffective. It teaches them to better manipulate others, and increases crime rate.


But are you saying I'm a psychopath?


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> That's twisted.


I am aware of that.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

nothingman said:


> But are you saying I'm a psychopath?


Maybe. I'd at least say you have characteristics of antisocial personality disorder.


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## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

50piecesteve said:


> people here have problems **** face, and need to vent


Did... you just call me a **** face?


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

You defiantly need to go talk to someone. 

Thoughts are thoughts-but you don't want to act on these things. Thoughts like this drive people mad, and crazy. Your not a bad person for thinking thoughts like this. I think your just in a bad place- and if meds, where just upped, it could be causes an effect too. Depression also makes anger show differently. 

Meds do a lot of weird stuff.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Did... you just call me a **** face?


From what I've seen so far I've come to the conclusion that you have the ability to read. So yes, I think you're right when you think he called you a ****face.


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## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

nothingman said:


> From what I've seen so far I've come to the conclusion that you have the ability to read. So yes, I think you're right when you think he called you a ****face.


Actually, I'm trying to figure out if it was the f word or the s word. Because of the censors and all


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## HackerZC (Jan 2, 2011)

Wow...um... yeah you should talk to a professional about this. It's honestly so far beyond my level of understanding and ability that I can't really process all of it. 

What I will say however, is that regardless of your thoughts or feelings, what really matters are your actions.You can't really control what you think or how you feel, only how you act on those thoughts and feelings. 
Believe me, I've been in a place where I've honestly considered killing someone (thought about how I'd do it and everything). Even though I couldn't control the way I felt, or the thoughts that came to me as a result, I could control my ability to act on them, and I made the CHOICE not to.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> Reading this was chilling to say the least.
> The bit about the dog and the animals especially upset me and made me pretty effing angry. I really don't like that, and if I ever knew someone who mistreated a dog/pet or family member I'd be over their house with a bat for some home schooling. (yes, you aren't the only one who feels like cracking heads sometimes)
> 
> And I bet there's some other good people who would do exactly the same if you pulled some more of your sick actions on a dog, or some other helpless person who can't fight back.
> ...


I know it's wrong to treat the friends I have so badly. A lot of people here don't even have one friend in real life and if they did, they would treat them really well. They are all good people. They mean no harm to me. I know they don't deserve it, but I can't stop treating wrong. I know it when I do something wrong, but I feel no regret. Does that make any sense to you at all?


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Actually, I'm trying to figure out if it was the f word or the s word. Because of the censors and all


I think it's the f word. I never came across that combination with the s word.


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

This guy deserves a padded cell, the more I read the more I am just amazed and the pure lunacy. If this is a troll it's an absolutely sick troll. (and by sick I meaning sickening)

this thread is making my blood boil to be honest.



nothingman said:


> The thought of having someone begging for forgiveness, for his life, at his knees, at my feet, is thrilling.


LOST FOR WORDS. power hungry control freak


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## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

nothingman said:


> I think it's the f word. I never came across that combination with the s word.


I was shooting for the s word, for me it's the opposite, I've never seen a combination with the f word


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## biffyclyroluver (Mar 4, 2012)

The fact you have even made a thread asking about this means you are a good enough person to choose the right path...and by you even writing this means you may of addmitted after a murder because you have a strong conscience...


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> This guy deserves a padded cell, the more I read the more I am just amazed and the pure lunacy. If this is a troll it's an absolutely sick troll. (and by sick I meaning sickening)
> 
> this thread is making my blood boil to be honest.
> 
> LOST FOR WORDS.


I'm a girl. And what's a padded cell? But no, this is not me trolling you. Sometimes I like to troll people but not with a subject like this. But if this thread is upsetting you, maybe it's better if you leave? This is why I left a warning in the title and I used that exclamation post icon thingy. That's what it's meant for, right?


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

You can't blame someone for having a different brain that lacks empathy. It was probably a combination of genetic and environmental traumas that caused the OP to be how she is today. As long as she doesn't commit any heinous crimes, leave her alone. Calling her names won't change anything.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> This guy deserves a padded cell, the more I read the more I am just amazed and the pure lunacy. If this is a troll it's an absolutely sick troll. (and by sick I meaning sickening)
> 
> this thread is making my blood boil to be honest.
> 
> LOST FOR WORDS. power hungry control freak


I do admit I'm a bit of a control freak. But it's usually not about controlling people like that, more like that I always need an exact time and location and I want everything exactly clear and planned out because I'm scared of arriving late for an appointment or getting lost.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> I was shooting for the s word, for me it's the opposite, I've never seen a combination with the f word


Ah okay, that's possible, I live in the Netherlands so I don't really have a good view on which English abusive words are used the most often.


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## VagueResemblance (Apr 17, 2010)

Taste of human flesh? So what. I have a morbid curiosity myself. I don't think I'll ever actually find out, but I'm alright with that.

Hitting someone because you were having a bad trip? So you hit someone because you were having a bad trip. Happens. The violent thoughts then seeped into and colored the rest of the trip. That also happens.

Dead animals do bother me, honestly. Your dog..please do give her away if you find yourself wanting to choke her again, or kill anything. That's very sad.

That misanthropy is the most worrisome though. Eventually that'll lead to greater social isolation. That, allowed to go on long enough, can lead to some serious emotional disturbances. There are good people out there, you have a social network now, find more friends, better friends. 

And then.. this all seems like thoughts than any impulse and plan of action. I hope I'm not wrong!  But. There's the fact you're asking for help instead of skipping off and stabbing and chewing on random people. There's the general air of the note. There's the fact that I've had all these thoughts and worse and never did turn violent, and today they are mostly gone. This really sounds like something a professional would help you with, but from the angle of 'disturbing recurring obsessive thoughts' rather than 'dangerous psycho about to explode.' 

Basically, is this a thing of depression/frustration/something else, or a genuine, real homicidal impulse? Do you really want to kill someone? This world is already kind of a crappy place, filled with injustice and pain; would you want to add more? To pour on the agony, for the victim, for their family, for the friends? That's what you need to really examine.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

laura024 said:


> You can't blame someone for having a different brain that lacks empathy. It was probably a combination of genetic and environmental traumas that caused the OP to be how she is today. As long as she doesn't commit any heinous crimes, leave her alone. Calling her names won't change anything.


But I doubt that I completely lack empathy. For example, I love my mom. I don't show that to her. But I know that if something would happen to me, she would be upset, and I hate the thought of that.


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nothingman said:


> I'm a girl ...... But if this thread is upsetting you, maybe it's better if you leave?


Yes, you are a girl, congratulations. As long as you realise that both men and women will get the exact same treatment had they said the stuff that's in the origional post. No special treatment bs

And yeah, I think I will leave the thread, it's pointless saying anymore, you need help ASAP, and the forum can't provide you with the level of help you need at this moment in time. I'm not upset, I'm angry that you are even having such a level of crazy thoughts, mainly annoyed that you harmed animals, something I take VERY seriously. (Because animals show you love no matter what, and you abused that trust with your dog when you did that horrible thing) It makes me angry that in that moment in time nobody was there to protect the dog.

I made a post on page 1 as well, at the bottom.

I hope you get better, for everyone's sake. :blank
don't do anything stupid.


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

> Antisocial personality disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which a person's ways of thinking, perceiving situations and relating to others are abnormal - and destructive.
> 
> People with antisocial personality disorder typically have no regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the law and the rights of others, landing in frequent trouble or conflict. They may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems. And people with antisocial personality disorder may not be able to fulfill responsibilities to family, work or school.
> 
> Antisocial personality disorder is sometimes known as sociopathic personality disorder. A sociopath is a particularly severe form of antisocial personality disorder.


If these are just *thoughts* I'd get help before you snap and turn a "sociopath".

Prevention helps.

If you are having these thoughts you need to figure out why.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

nothingman said:


> But I doubt that I completely lack empathy. For example, I love my mom. I don't show that to her. But I know that if something would happen to me, she would be upset, and I hate the thought of that.


You don't have to be completely devoid of it....it's just an abnormal lack of it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I would see a doctor.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> Yes, you are a girl, congratulations. As long as you realise that both men and women will get the exact same treatment had they said the stuff that's in the origional post. No special treatment bs
> 
> And yeah, I think I will leave the thread, it's pointless saying anymore, you need help ASAP, and the forum can't provide you with the level of help you need at this moment in time. I'm not upset, I'm angry that you are even having such a level of crazy thoughts, mainly annoyed that you harmed animals, something I take VERY seriously. (Because animals show you love no matter what, and you abused that trust with your dog when you did that horrible thing)
> 
> ...


I was not in want of special treatment just because I'm a different gender. But I was reffering to you saying "This GUY needs a padded cell." You were talking about me right? So that's why I said "I'm a girl", because I thought you misunderstood that. Not that it really matters or changes anything else. Just stating the facts.


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## Nogy (Feb 13, 2011)

Interesting thread. I've always been intrigued by the dark minds of serial killers, i've spent hours reading about them before. Not because i relate to them, its just interesting to know how their mind works. Your post isn't very disturbing to me, compared to some of the things i've read before. Then i read the part about you almost hanging your dog as a child. Many murderers first victims were animals. The fact that you didn't actually kill it says something i guess, that you don't lack total empathy. The fact that you even tried it though would worry me, if i was you.


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## Meta14 (Jan 22, 2012)

You should write a book. That was interesting to read.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

NatureFellow:1059762322 said:


> nothingman said:
> 
> 
> > I'm a girl ...... But if this thread is upsetting you, maybe it's better if you leave?
> ...


Get off your damn high horse man, this is someone who is having disturbing thoughts and actually has the courage to talk about them to others so she can get some help, and all you can say is that it makes your blood boil? So much for empathy. The fact that someone else's issues (which haven't even fully been acted upon) would upset you so much even when she fully admits they're wrong makes you seem like the psychopath, to be honest.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Meta14 said:


> You should write a book. That was interesting to read.


From all the things I've written on my pc, I probably could. My psychologist says I'm substantially better in writing than speaking, but I guess that the most of us here are like that.


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## FireIsTheCleanser (Aug 16, 2011)

nothingman said:


> From all the things I've written on my pc, I probably could. My psychologist says I'm substantially better in writing than speaking, but I guess that the most of us here are like that.


You _should _write a book, I find myself relating to a good chunk of this, and it would be interesting to read about another person.


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD (Jun 24, 2011)

nothingman said:


> Seriously, what if you're crazy, like the Jeffrey Dahmer type crazy, the serial killer type of crazy, the cannibal type of crazy? What are the chances? What would you do?
> 
> The thing is, I'm starting to scare myself. My thoughts, fantasies, questions, actions. I really need to know: is this normal, or am I seriously messed up and should I seek help immediately? I'll give some examples below.
> 
> ...


nope not scary at all deary. i been around the block with this stuff. i been in places and seen guys who thought they were cowboys, multimillionnaires, professional sport stars and even watched them play a one man football baseball hockey game depending on if it was those sports seasons of course. any traumatic experiences happen that afterwards stuff like this started? hear voices, see thing? have mental illness in the family?


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> I was shooting for the s word, for me it's the opposite, I've never seen a combination with the f word


F word, and I apologize, don't think the OP posted this up to entertain nobody


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD (Jun 24, 2011)

FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Did... you just call me a **** face?





nothingman said:


> From what I've seen so far I've come to the conclusion that you have the ability to read. So yes, I think you're right when you think he called you a ****face.





FireIsTheCleanser said:


> Actually, I'm trying to figure out if it was the f word or the s word. Because of the censors and all


aaaaaaaagh .........those good ol social anxiety support bleeped out profanity words directed at other members........just puts a warm feeling in ya heart dosent it? B***h A**HOLE S*** F*** just soothes the soul am i right guys? LOL


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## HackerZC (Jan 2, 2011)

> The thought of having someone begging for forgiveness, for his life, at his knees, at my feet, is thrilling.


To be honest, this sounds like something from a BDSM scene. I can totally feel you're desire to be dominant... and actually in a roll play situation what you described would be pretty hot.


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## s0dy (May 23, 2011)

nothingman said:


> Seriously, what if ...


I only read the first post, so I don't know if anyone else said this but...could it be OCD related?

If I recall correctly, sometime ago I read an article (or was it a forum post by a psychiatrist? can't recall) that I found extremely interesting.
Although it was about paedophilia and not sociopathy, but it was mentioned that it could pretty much apply to any other thing of the same kind.
If my memory doesn't betray me it was related to Purely Obsessional OCD, in the example presented the person was sure he was a paedophile (i.e. someone who finds kids sexually attractive, not necessarily someone who sexually abuses them), yet he would not be sexually aroused when near children, in fact not even the thought of such thing would pass through his mind. But would be aroused if he saw kids on TV or photos.
What was happening was that his OCD "decided" to start picking on taboo stuff, in his case, paedophilia, in other cases people would be afraid they were turning into the kind of person who would become a serial killer.

Again, I'm not quite sure if I actually read that or dreamt it up. :lol (I'll see if I can find a link to it. Although you can find numerous other cases just by googling)

The curiosity about the taste of human flesh is in my understanding pretty normal, it comes from normal curiosity people have about taboos (the forbidden fruit is the sweetest).

Of course that doesn't mean you couldn't be "the real deal". Although I think that just the fact that you do notice those thoughts and impulses would normally mean there's not much danger.


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## Knowbody (Jul 5, 2011)

yea, you sound a lil bit off. but um....my suggestion to you is to buy a PS3 or 360...buy the following games Modern Warfare 3, Battlefield 3, and Uncharted series and get the urge to kill out of you by killing thousands of people online in the virtual world.


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## Knowbody (Jul 5, 2011)

Grand Theft Auto is a huge stress reliever also, you can literally go Terminator on a whole city and gun it out with cops and SWAT as well. I'm serious, you will feel better if you buy these games.


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## Kascheritt (Mar 7, 2012)

No, not the animals! ;/ 
Weird stuff, I do have some crazy thoughts of my own, but that's just it. I'm the boss of my mind and imagination. 

You should seek help if it is changing your behavior towards other people.


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

Well, it's good that you're at least seeking help. And it's good that you haven't actually acted on your thoughts yet--you haven't seriously hurt or killed anyone. I think that's the most important thing, at this point in time. It means that if you keep the thoughts and feelings you have in check, and don't act on them, you can still live a life you don't have to feel ashamed of. If I were you I would be worried about slipping into a place where your judgment isn't reliable...so what I'd recommend is for you to tell a therapist about these thoughts asap so they can help you learn ways to control them. Unless you really are a psychopath, in which case you probably don't want to learn to control them...it's hard to tell what exactly you "have" just from reading your post, you should really get a diagnosis, and get help, and go from there.


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## lazy (Nov 19, 2008)

what's your relationship like with your parents or other family members? Were they emotionally there for you? or neglected? were you beat or abused in any way?


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

This whole thing reminds me of the movie Audition - a man meets the love of his life, but she's secretly a deranged serial killer - and sadly for him she thinks he's cheating on her and enacts a little bit of vengeance... 










To the OP, you're not strange or a sociopath. I think the fact that you're airing these views out in public and realise to some degree that their wrong is proof of that. I would seek some help though - particularly if the thoughts are intrusive.

I wish you luck. 
*sends e-hug :hug


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD (Jun 24, 2011)

Paper Samurai said:


> This whole thing reminds me of the movie Audition - a man meets the love of his life, but she's secretly a deranged serial killer - and sadly for him she thinks he's cheating on her and enacts a little bit of vengeance...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


i have this on my pc but keep forgetting to watch it.


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## Mello (Oct 1, 2009)

You have a lot of classic psychopath traits, like wanting to be in control and feared by someone else, your the one that gets to decide their fate, and I'm guessing the thought of that gives you a rush. I think you should be worried and seek help, you can't change your thoughts by trying to ignore it, if anything it might manifest itself, and you might get stronger urges to act upon it. Tell your psychologist ASAP.


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## Setolac (Jul 26, 2009)

nothingman said:


> Seriously, what if you're crazy, like the Jeffrey Dahmer type crazy, the serial killer type of crazy, the cannibal type of crazy? What are the chances? What would you do?
> 
> The thing is, I'm starting to scare myself. My thoughts, fantasies, questions, actions. I really need to know: is this normal, or am I seriously messed up and should I seek help immediately? I'll give some examples below.
> 
> ...


but you're female. So its basically harmless. nothing to worry about


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## Stef93 (Mar 20, 2012)

I find it pretty brave of you to post something like this because it might seem disturbing to others. I could simply say that you're crazy but that's not going to help anyone. Therefore I think you deserve a serious answer.

- The taste of human flesh I am personally not interested in. However it's not the strangest thing in the world. I noticed you live in The Netherlands and I know that tasting human flesh was done before on television (Proefkonijnen aflevering 2, BNN).

- If you were to (over)think about why people want others to be happy there are a lot of people that do it to make themselves feel good. Like donating to a good cause like Unicef. Especially the rich. I don't think it's very strange that your motivation for others to be happy could be for other people to like you. You say you hate yourself, so it makes sense that subconsciously you're looking for proof that says you're not. 

- I don't like to label someone negatively but it does sound like sadisctic actions. As if you like to inflict pain on others, starting with animals. Your motivation is unclear to me and it sounds like it's unclear to you too. You said you know your friends don't deserve to be treated wrongfully but you can't stop doing just that. In order to change that I think you need to figure out why you still want to hurt the 'innocent' friend or animal. You said you know they don't deserve it. You have to ask yourself whether that is how you feel it too. Not wheter it makes sense but if it truly feels like that. If you're sure that you don't do it because they might deserve it, I suggest you go over the memories when you did hurt your friends or dog or birds. Try to relive it and try to feel how you felt before hurting them, trying to figure out why the desire was created and make it specific. You don't start punching random people or kill every random animals you see, so makes it different.
Putting dead animals under the microscope seems to indicate a fascination for dead bodies. I'm not a 100% sure on that but it's not the strangest thing. Coroners deal with dead bodies all the time and they're not labeled crazy.

- It seems like you have a combination between low self-esteem and narcissism. You hate yourself but you 'know' you're better than others. Losing interest in other people's wellbeing also sounds like narcissism. Like you feel you are the most important thing in your life, which is not that uncommon. Like I said if you were to think about why people do things to help or save others it might just be because it makes them feel good about themselves. Selfish but not crazy. 
Honestly I feel that I am the most important person in my life. Maybe I feel like that because it's not going so great with me and it's my brain trying to tell me to prioritize. Anyway, I'm a bit narcissistic but I don't despise people in general. I also don't hate 'bad' people simply because they are necessary. If there are no bad people, humans can't learn. If Hitler did not exist, how would modern racism be? If there are no killers, what will remind us that killing is not a good thing? Without bad people and bad thing happening the human race will not move forwards. It's a needed balance and that's how i cope with bad thing and bad people. That is why I don't hate killers even though I do not condone killling.
What was the point of human interaction to you in the past? There was a point once but not anymore. Can you find joy in communication or participating in activities with your friends? Or can you find joy in doind things you like in general? Because if you don't it sounds like anhedonia and you should look into that if that's the case.

- I wonder how much of a fantasy it is. Because if it's just a fantasy it's exactly that, a fantasy. I ask this because the way you described your fantasy came across as if you see it as a game. Like you don't feel the need to do it in real life, which is a good thing.
I know you have some conscience because you're worried about what you might become. You ask us wheter it's normal or crazy, right or wrong, approval or disgust. This tells me that you didn't make a decision yet about in what direction you want your life to go to. You might not believe me but you a choice between a normal/decently happy life (if you don't give in into the desires, talk about it, actively seek help and try to change it), an unfulfilling life (if you never make up your mind) and a horrible life (if you choose to be a killer). Those are your options. Everyone here will tell you to take the 'normal' life.

- Again, I don't know where the thoughts come from. Only you can know. By bad trip, did you mean you used drugs? If so that's an obvious influence. However it seems to be an obsession with pain and if you want it to go away, you can't do it alone. 

Are you crazy? I don't think so. I think it makes sense. I think that most of these desires are taught. By your parents or friends or your own beliefs. I don't think it's actually a part of you, but an attachment. Like a parasite. You see that you're not feeling right. You know what others think of these things. 

There are other ways to be unique than being a killer. What are you good at, what are your hobbies? Try to find a different way to be remembered. You know what it's like to kill. You start to think like a killer. Use it to your advantage. You can work with the police or in a prison. Your understanding of these things gives you a great advantage, once you can seperate it. 
If you keep dwelling in these fantasies it's only going to get worse for you. It will become more confusing and scarier. These thoughts are not good for you. I'd say try to dismiss these thoughts and get more control over it. Everytime you think about killing or hurting someone, tell yourself that you don't want these thoughts anymore. After doing that focus on other things like, singing, sports or entertaining YouTube videos.

So all in all I don't think you're crazy. However I do think you're not going in the right direction and that eventually it's going to hurt everyone you know including you. If you learn to control your thoughts and don't act upon them it's nothing to worry about. But that's very difficult to do without help. 
I'd say you are a good person. I think you care about what other people think of you and that you want to be good. You are confused though and confused people do very strange things. Which makes it difficult for you to see what is right and what is wrong. If you want to be a good person, and you DO have a choice!, you need to work on it. Preferably with someone you trust. If there's noone, talk to a professional. Medication might help but it's not the solution. 
Try to change and work on it. It can make a lot of people, including yourself much happier. You can always start killing later .


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Dr Hobo Scratch MD said:


> nope not scary at all deary. i been around the block with this stuff. i been in places and seen guys who thought they were cowboys, multimillionnaires, professional sport stars and even watched them play a one man football baseball hockey game depending on if it was those sports seasons of course. any traumatic experiences happen that afterwards stuff like this started? hear voices, see thing? have mental illness in the family?


I only hear voices and see things things that aren't there when I'm on drugs. Which is about 1 day a week. Never had any hallucinations when I was clean and sober though. Only mental illness in my family that I know of is my grandmother's depression and an alcoholic uncle.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

50piecesteve said:


> F word, and I apologize, don't think the OP posted this up to entertain nobody


Well I didn't really mind so we're all good here.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

s0dy said:


> I only read the first post, so I don't know if anyone else said this but...could it be OCD related?
> 
> If I recall correctly, sometime ago I read an article (or was it a forum post by a psychiatrist? can't recall) that I found extremely interesting.
> Although it was about paedophilia and not sociopathy, but it was mentioned that it could pretty much apply to any other thing of the same kind.
> ...


That's possible. Obsessive thoughts are nothing new for me.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Knowbody said:


> Grand Theft Auto is a huge stress reliever also, you can literally go Terminator on a whole city and gun it out with cops and SWAT as well. 'm serious, you will feel better if you buy these games.


I've played GTA3 and san andreas. Awesome games indeed, but they don't do much wonders for frustation in my case. I can understand that that kind of thing works for others though.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

lazy said:


> what's your relationship like with your parents or other family members? Were they emotionally there for you? or neglected? were you beat or abused in any way?


Relationship with my father is basically non-existent. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I used to visit my father 1 day a week, but I never bonded with him and barely talk to him. I visit him 1 day every two weeks now, but that's only because I'm forced to, and because this way he'll keep paying my mom money for clothes and stuff. He's a quiet person that almost never laughs and even if we try to talk to eachother, we only end up annoyed and bored He doesn't know anything about me, apart from my name and age. I'm sure he's a good man but I could not care less if something happened to him because I have no emotional connection to him in any way.

The relationship with my mother is okay. I love her, she loves me, we talk sometimes, but nothing deep or emotional, just shallow stuff. I don't see her that much since she's got a fulltime job and is currently also studying a master's degree.

Then there's my stepfather, who is a nice guy, he was with us immediately after the divorce, so when I was 2. He's funny, good to my mom and kind, but we've had some misunderstandings a few years ago. By this I mean that I was scared of him because I felt sexually assaulted, because he was always making sex-related jokes about me and touched me in places I didn't want to be touched. But I've put that behind me because I think he didn't mean it like that and it was all just one big misunderstanding. I stayed away from him for a while and nothing like that has ever happened again. And now we get along just fine.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Please seek out a therapist. This isn't normal.


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## kitshiv01 (Mar 6, 2012)

[QUOTI'm not upset, I'm angry that you are even having such a level of crazy thoughts,E][/QUOTE]

Lol dumb.. I think most if not all people with some sort of mental illness have *crazy* or *abnormal* thoughts, even myself.. extremely offensive. Who are you to judge what is or isn't acceptable when it comes to illness.

And serial killers aren't born to be that way, they do have problems of some sort..that is obvious enough. The fact that she is trying to talk it out is huge and really applaud her for it, if anything can be avoided that is definitely a start.. to NOT keep it inside etc


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Setolac said:


> but you're female. So its basically harmless. nothing to worry about


What are you saying, that all women are evil, or that women can't be dangerous because they're weak? Tell that to the guy who lost a tooth by me hitting him. That's the good thing about being a lesbian. You can hit guys and actually hurt them ( because you're not worried about breaking a nail or something like that like all the other girls ), but they'll still be hesitant about hitting you back because you're a girl.


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## googleamiable (Jun 5, 2009)

a couple things:

1 - you mentioned recreational drug use in your OP. you should cut anything like that out of your life immediately. because for certain people, drug use can intensify and distort confusing, paranoid or otherwise undesirable thoughts and emotions. 

2 - like others have said (and i noticed when you've replied to people saying this, you dont acknowledge it), thoughts and feelings are one thing but actions are another, and hurting your dog was an immoral action. one that (or anything similar) should not be repeated ever, on any animal or person.

edit-also wanted to mention, i think you can gain clarity into this issue if you are honestly critical (critical in the analysing sense ) of yourself. in your OP there's a paragraph about all the attention a sadistic criminal can receive and that it's exciting. i guess to me it's a question of whether this issue at its core is about that, and as such the sadistic/masochistic feelings you have are the tool you've latched onto, to hypothetically achieve that notoriety/status/attention/validation. or, whether you genuinely want to act violently towards animals and people. this is interesting and if you can answer that ill reply again


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## skilwit (Mar 13, 2012)

*Been There...*

You know how they say, 'It's always the quiet ones' - well that was me.. Quiet, yet violent underneath.. all it was was anger I didn't know what to do with as a teenager.. serial killers looked to have a release for their anger.. a release I sought.. but I realized that even serial killers never succeed to get out of their anger (hence the reason they call them SERIAL killers).. They can't stop themselves and eventually get themselves caught. It's not being done out of necessity - it becomes an all out lust they can no longer intelligently control...

So don't segregate yourself for your thoughts - demand you thoughts to change..(the book of James in the Bible really kicks bad thoughts in the rear). Also, you're really never as weird as you think you are or sicker than the average Joe or Jane.. We all have to fight off the demons or they win. Demand control of yourself and your thoughts. The Bible describes man as having two members within him - one being evil and one being good. So fight the 'good' fight and play to win.. Just like serial killers like control; control your thoughts before you become an uncontrollable thinker.. Really after you kill someone - you would have a lot more thoughts to have to fight off than even you do normally...not just conscience, but fear of imprisonment and shame..and the inevitable feeling of requiring to kill more persons to sustain a 'numb' feeling... All in all I think people that haven't talked themselves out of killing someone else should consider taking their own lives as a substitute.
It's amazing I'm not the next hannibal lector.. (but when you think about it, people do not taste nearly as good as chicken - just ask the Donner Party)... 
So get busy living, or get busy dying.. 
P.S. I had family trouble too - Daddy asked me to hold the hose in his car window while he sat in the car (while it was on). and Mommy watched crying.. do you understand what my parents were trying to get me to do for them? So things can make you angry.. but having this event happen to me (amongst many other traumas) has caused me to seek God zealously.. Don't let the devil win. He wants you to kill and hate and blame and go to hell with him (remember you're dealing with a professional liar).. Also remember to play to win over your thoughts.. You want control and I'm telling you that I know that God can help. Bless you and feel free to contact me if this is getting to be too much to handle.. I am still fighting off my anger, but usually winning. :- )


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## SupaDupaFly (Sep 1, 2011)

Everything you said reminded me of that tv series dexter.but yeah it's still good your still sane and haven't lost it completely. Like someone said here before. You should channel that frustration and urge of doing those things with something positive.talk to a therapist first ASAP before you think all those thoughts you been having are right.


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## wootmehver (Oct 18, 2007)

nothingman said:


> given the oppurtunity to try it, I would. If only for the idea, the curiosity. They say it tastes like pork but has a structure like beef, but also that it's a little bit sweeter.


That's nice that humans taste sweeter. 
But SA sufferers can be bitter.
Need to have a cannibal taste test to see if intros taste better than extros.


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## grenchen (Jan 3, 2012)

u should see a therapist.. lol jk i thought this was pretty normal, a lot of people here seem to take you seriously though for some reason... i mean come on, you're obviously not gonna do something and only want attention/be special, you even said so in your post


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

kitshiv01 said:


> Lol dumb.. Who are you to judge what is or isn't acceptable when it comes to illness.


I think I am in the position to judge when said person *tried to hang a dog*.
I have two dogs myself, and I've kept and cared for pets all my life.
I'm not dumb, either. hahhahahahah what a child-level insult you have there.

Sometimes a kick up the a-s is better than a pat on the back :yes

Thanks for understanding, now please can all these try hards stop quoting me so I don't have to come back to the thread to explain the absolute obvious.  Thanks again. Toodles.


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## Starstuff13 (Feb 14, 2012)

I don't think you would like to be brutally murdered for such a pointless and selfish reason. as good as you think it might make you feel, i guarantee it will make the person you're killing feel much worse. you get 1 chance at existing, don't end someones life permanently, to temporarily fill a lust that wont even last long. It is good that you recognize the insanity, get help before you become the insanity


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## Beelz (Jan 22, 2012)

... aside from the canibal / killing points i feel very simlar sometimes. its like this other side of myself that i'm scared of.


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## TheoBobTing (Jul 8, 2010)

Do you find yourself developing a taste for fava beans and chianti?


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## Fanta can (Aug 13, 2011)

These thoughts are totally normal as long as you never act on them. Everyone has fantasized about killing someone at one time or another. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Everyone is sick. Dexter is one of the most popular shows on television and games like Manhunt and GTA sell like hotcakes. I'd say there's tons of people who are curious about the taste of human flesh too. I know I am! I'm not ashamed to say that and I don't think anyone else should be. You don't need to see a therapist for thinking about this stuff unless you actually planned on doing it. Its totally normal. Its called morbid curiosity. Just because I've read books about serial killers and often find myself thinking about the crime from the killer's perspective doesn't mean I'm a serial killer in the making. As a matter of fact, cops have to think like killers to capture them. Ever consider going into law enforcement? Most CSI investigators went into their line of work because they had a morbid curiosity with crime and the human anatomy. Again, totally normal...

The only thing that sticks out to me as especially sick is the fact that you've done harm to animals. That's textbook killer stuff and totally fuc_k_ed up. If it happened a couple of times when you were a kid, I wouldn't worry about it, but if its something you did a lot or something you still do I'd seek help immediately.

Oh, and I can't help but think you made this thread just for attention. Anything with "Serial Killer" in the title has to get a minimum of five pages of replies. This just proves my point that everybody is sick. You may be getting pages and pages of people telling you how sick you are, but you're no sicker than anybody else here. The vast majority of these people, myself included, only clicked on this thread because they saw, "WARNING: DISTURBING AND ****ED UP CONTENT". Whether we want to admit it or not, as soon as we saw that, we all thought, "oh s_h_it, this I gotta read". We're naturally interested in taboo things. It doesn't make us evil.


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

Try to stay off the drugs, its possible that these contribute to the thoughts along with anxiety and depression (if you've got it.). 


^^^ Lowkey's got a nice reply - Ive always wondered what it would be like to kill someone, although unless the circumstances were dire then its likely I wouldn't do it.


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## kitshiv01 (Mar 6, 2012)

LowKey said:


> These thoughts are totally normal as long as you never act on them. Everyone has fantasized about killing someone at one time or another. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Everyone is sick. Dexter is one of the most popular shows on television and games like Manhunt and GTA sell like hotcakes. I'd say there's tons of people who are curious about the taste of human flesh too. I know I am! I'm not ashamed to say that and I don't think anyone else should be. You don't need to see a therapist for thinking about this stuff unless you actually planned on doing it. Its totally normal. Its called morbid curiosity. Just because I've read books about serial killers and often find myself thinking about the crime from the killer's perspective doesn't mean I'm a serial killer in the making. As a matter of fact, cops have to think like killers to capture them. Ever consider going into law enforcement? Most CSI investigators went into their line of work because they had a morbid curiosity with crime and the human anatomy. Again, totally normal...
> 
> The only thing that sticks out to me as especially sick is the fact that you've done harm to animals. That's textbook killer stuff and totally fuc_k_ed up. If it happened a couple of times when you were a kid, I wouldn't worry about it, but if its something you did a lot or something you still do I'd seek help immediately.
> 
> Oh, and I can't help but think you made this thread just for attention. Anything with "Serial Killer" in the title has to get a minimum of five pages of replies. This just proves my point that everybody is sick. You may be getting pages and pages of people telling you how sick you are, but you're no sicker than anybody else here. The vast majority of these people, myself included, only clicked on this thread because they saw, "WARNING: DISTURBING AND ****ED UP CONTENT". Whether we want to admit it or not, as soon as we saw that, we all thought, "oh s_h_it, this I gotta read". We're naturally interested in taboo things. It doesn't make us evil.


Agree to all of that. :yes


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

LowKey brings up a great point. I think that most of us have have some degree of morbid fascination. Personally, I've always been fascinated with the psychology behind homicide, rape, abuse, and general sociopathy.

However, just because I have an interest, doesn't mean that I have an urge. And even if you did occasionally fantasize about it, it would be okay. But it doesn't sound like you occasionally fantasize about it. It sounds like it takes up a lot of cognitive space and that really concerns me. The thoughts may just be thought and lead to nothing. Or they really could be thoughts/events leading up to a chain of murders. I don't know, but it's definitely something too serious to risk. As so many people have said before me, please seek professional help. Bring it up with your therapist. Discuss lowering the dosage of your meds. We can only do so much for you on this forum.

I'd be a liar if I said I didn't think less of you for hurting your dog. However, I do give you a lot of credit for recognizing that you're wrong and that you're brave enough to discuss it here. Thank you for sharing. I really hope that everything goes alright (for your sake, your dog's sake, and your "best friend's" sake).

Also, I'm just gonna leave this song here...being relevant and totally bada$$ and all...


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## blinds8 (Feb 3, 2011)

This reminds me of the remake of Halloween and Aleister Crowley Lucifairianism etc. for some reason lol good luck to ya though you got some mean **** going on there I'll pray for ya.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

michael1 said:


> a couple things:
> 
> 1 - you mentioned recreational drug use in your OP. you should cut anything like that out of your life immediately. because for certain people, drug use can intensify and distort confusing, paranoid or otherwise undesirable thoughts and emotions.
> 
> ...


I do acknowledge that thoughts are one thing and actions are another. So far my thoughts haven't lead to drastic actions. I've discussed the matter with my psychologist today, but she really had to push to get it out of me. Guess she saw immediately that something was up. We agree that there's one side of me that begs for attention, wants to ask for help and be taken seriously but never learned how to ask and achieve that in a way like other people do. Then, there's this other side that wants anything bút attention. That just wants to be left alone, 
push everyone away, because I'm terrified of intimacy. I honestly don't know which side is at work here. It could be that I wrote this for one reason but now feel like it's another reason. I don't know. God, I wish my brain wasn't this complicated.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

skilwit said:


> You know how they say, 'It's always the quiet ones' - well that was me.. Quiet, yet violent underneath.. all it was was anger I didn't know what to do with as a teenager.. serial killers looked to have a release for their anger.. a release I sought.. but I realized that even serial killers never succeed to get out of their anger (hence the reason they call them SERIAL killers).. They can't stop themselves and eventually get themselves caught. It's not being done out of necessity - it becomes an all out lust they can no longer intelligently control...
> 
> So don't segregate yourself for your thoughts - demand you thoughts to change..(the book of James in the Bible really kicks bad thoughts in the rear). Also, you're really never as weird as you think you are or sicker than the average Joe or Jane.. We all have to fight off the demons or they win. Demand control of yourself and your thoughts. The Bible describes man as having two members within him - one being evil and one being good. So fight the 'good' fight and play to win.. Just like serial killers like control; control your thoughts before you become an uncontrollable thinker.. Really after you kill someone - you would have a lot more thoughts to have to fight off than even you do normally...not just conscience, but fear of imprisonment and shame..and the inevitable feeling of requiring to kill more persons to sustain a 'numb' feeling... All in all I think people that haven't talked themselves out of killing someone else should consider taking their own lives as a substitute.
> It's amazing I'm not the next hannibal lector.. (but when you think about it, people do not taste nearly as good as chicken - just ask the Donner Party)...
> ...


Thanks for your good advice, but I'm not religious so sorry, none of that "God can help" stuff for me.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

wootmehver said:


> That's nice that humans taste sweeter.
> But SA sufferers can be bitter.
> Need to have a cannibal taste test to see if intros taste better than extros.


Now that's an interesting question.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Beelz said:


> ... aside from the canibal / killing points i feel very simlar sometimes. its like this other side of myself that i'm scared of.


The weird thing is that I'm usually not really that afraid of it. That's only sometimes. The other time it's just like, I don't care, let it happen.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

TheoBobTing said:


> Do you find yourself developing a taste for fava beans and chianti?


Never tried either of them. Honestly I don't even know what that is.


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## A Wanderer (Mar 20, 2012)

*Hm.*

"WARNING: DISTURBING VIOLENT AND ****ED UP CONTENT"

...Well that about guarantees a person to click.

As for my advice, I'm afraid you're beginning to embrace this part of you. I know that you know it's wrong, but you know that there are some areas here that you can help. As said before, the drugs.

I think there's hope for you; I don't think I'll be seeing you on the news or anything like that.


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

wow.. and I thought I had messed up thoughts a few years ago but that was nothing compared to this

though I can relate to a certain point. Maybe that's why I found this so disturbing to read. Just having the thought in the back of my head that I could possibly snap too after many years of loneliness and struggling with yourself. Especially if you've read about it all the time and seen documentaries on TV and such of perfectly normal people just snapping after years. 

Yes, I've always felt a certain kind of sympathy for many murderers like that too because people hated them even though they had been rejected and hurt by that very society themselves (I'm thinking of those Columbine High School shooting guys) and nobody seems to care about that. Emotional scarring is apparently no big deal, some even consider it 'useful' (directed @ the bullying is useful thread on this forum) but once it get's physical it's all bad and evil.. 

I guess I'm very lucky to have a fear of gory things. Just the idea of stabbing someone with a knife or anything grosses me out. Even if I had to do it for self-defence.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

LowKey said:


> These thoughts are totally normal as long as you never act on them. Everyone has fantasized about killing someone at one time or another. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Everyone is sick. Dexter is one of the most popular shows on television and games like Manhunt and GTA sell like hotcakes. I'd say there's tons of people who are curious about the taste of human flesh too. I know I am! I'm not ashamed to say that and I don't think anyone else should be. You don't need to see a therapist for thinking about this stuff unless you actually planned on doing it. Its totally normal. Its called morbid curiosity. Just because I've read books about serial killers and often find myself thinking about the crime from the killer's perspective doesn't mean I'm a serial killer in the making. As a matter of fact, cops have to think like killers to capture them. Ever consider going into law enforcement? Most CSI investigators went into their line of work because they had a morbid curiosity with crime and the human anatomy. Again, totally normal...
> 
> The only thing that sticks out to me as especially sick is the fact that you've done harm to animals. That's textbook killer stuff and totally fuc_k_ed up. If it happened a couple of times when you were a kid, I wouldn't worry about it, but if its something you did a lot or something you still do I'd seek help immediately.
> 
> Oh, and I can't help but think you made this thread just for attention. Anything with "Serial Killer" in the title has to get a minimum of five pages of replies. This just proves my point that everybody is sick. You may be getting pages and pages of people telling you how sick you are, but you're no sicker than anybody else here. The vast majority of these people, myself included, only clicked on this thread because they saw, "WARNING: DISTURBING AND ****ED UP CONTENT". Whether we want to admit it or not, as soon as we saw that, we all thought, "oh s_h_it, this I gotta read". We're naturally interested in taboo things. It doesn't make us evil.


Thank you for the advice. I've actually thought about studying psychology first and then study a master's degree in forensic psychology. That might be a good thing because then I could, I don't know, satisfy my curiosity by analyzing someone else's mind instead of my own. And maybe it will discourage me to keep obsessing about this kind of stuff.

But no, the hurting of animals has not happened a lot and not recently, and by that I mean not for years.

And I understand that you can't help thinking this thread was made for attention. But really, aren't all posts made to make someone reply to them? By including the WARNING: thing in the title I was actually hoping that less people would read it because I didn't want people who were likely to to be horrified and disgusted and upset and start calling me names or call the police or something to look at it. It is interesting that you say that anything with serial killer in the title has got a minimum of 5 pages of replies. Maybe everyone is sick indeed.


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## iluvpurpleandpugs (Mar 16, 2012)

Wow...just wow. I've got to say, I'm worried about you. Those thoughts are not normal at all, and you need to seek help fast. You know these thoughts are wrong, but some of your actions suggest you act impulsively. The fact that you could do something like that to your own dog is frightening. I only hope that you get the help you need before you do anything worse. I feel sorry for you, because it must be terrifying to think about things like this...I cannot imagine what it must be like. I think you're a good person, with a good heart trapped inside a body with a disturbed mind. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to get these emotions under control so you can move on and have a good, productive life.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

A Wanderer said:


> "WARNING: DISTURBING VIOLENT AND ****ED UP CONTENT"
> 
> ...Well that about guarantees a person to click.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I've noticed that a lot of people clicked. My intention was actually the opposite of that. I guess I have some things to learn about psychology huh?

You're right that I'm beginning to embrace this part of me. I didn't put up much a fight, I admit that. I give up on fighting way too fast I think. That's something I should change.

And as for my face on the news: I hope that won't ever happen. It's worse enough when one person sees a picture of me, let alone everyone around the world... You've just subconsciously encouraged me not to embrace this side of me, lol.


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

oh and people getting aggressive towards someone who abused an animal usually make my blood boil too.. 

I bet you guys aren't even vegetarians or anything right? How the fk can you judge people for hurting an animal then? Hypocrites


fk I feel weird again after reading this thread.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> LowKey brings up a great point. I think that most of us have have some degree of morbid fascination. Personally, I've always been fascinated with the psychology behind homicide, rape, abuse, and general sociopathy.
> 
> However, just because I have an interest, doesn't mean that I have an urge. And even if you did occasionally fantasize about it, it would be okay. But it doesn't sound like you occasionally fantasize about it. It sounds like it takes up a lot of cognitive space and that really concerns me. The thoughts may just be thought and lead to nothing. Or they really could be thoughts/events leading up to a chain of murders. I don't know, but it's definitely something too serious to risk. As so many people have said before me, please seek professional help. Bring it up with your therapist. Discuss lowering the dosage of your meds. We can only do so much for you on this forum.
> 
> ...


Tool is an awesome band.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

nothingman said:


> Never tried either of them. Honestly I don't even know what that is.


Aw, man! You missed the "Silence of the Lambs" reference? That makes me sad. I thought it was funny.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

CoolSauce said:


> oh and people getting aggressive towards someone who abused an animal usually make my blood boil too..
> 
> I bet you guys aren't even vegetarians or anything right? How the fk can you judge people for hurting an animal then? Hypocrites
> 
> fk I feel weird again after reading this thread.


Yeah that's one of the reasons I included a warning in the title.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> Aw, man! You missed the "Silence of the Lambs" reference? That makes me sad. I thought it was funny.


Ah, Silence of the lambs. It did sound vagely familiar somewhere. I've downloaded that movie but I still have to watch it. When I do I'll probably understand your joke.


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

het is meer een confrontatie met problemen waar ik persoonlijk tegenaan gelopen ben maar nergens kwijt kon denk ik. Respect in iedergeval dat je dit hier zo neerlegd.


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## kennyc (Nov 15, 2011)

Don't you ever think it has something to do with your anxiety disorder? One explanation linking it to your anxiety could be that your brain thinks it's under threat from something and so it forces you to think up disturbing or violent things you could do to survive the threat. I've noticed that I have violent and generally disturbing thoughts when I'm feeling very anxious.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

nothingman said:


> Thank you for the advice. I've actually thought about studying psychology first and then study a master's degree in forensic psychology. That might be a good thing because then I could, I don't know, satisfy my curiosity by analyzing someone else's mind instead of my own. And maybe it will discourage me to keep obsessing about this kind of stuff.


That sounds like a great idea! It's much better to use that energy and obsession to inspire a career rather than to hurt people. 



CoolSauce said:


> oh and people getting aggressive towards someone who abused an animal usually make my blood boil too..
> 
> I bet you guys aren't even vegetarians or anything right? How the fk can you judge people for hurting an animal then? Hypocrites
> 
> fk I feel weird again after reading this thread.


Although you have a point, I believe that there is a difference between killing for food and killing for pleasure. :? Would that make all carnivorous species evil then? (Although that calls into question whether cannibalism is wrong...hmmm, I gotta go rethink things.)



nothingman said:


> Ah, Silence of the lambs. It did sound vagely familiar somewhere. I've downloaded that movie but I still have to watch it. When I do I'll probably understand your joke.


Pffft. I wish that was my wit. Credit goes to a different poster.


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> Although you have a point, I believe that there is a difference between killing for food and killing for pleasure. :? Would that make all carnivorous species evil then? (Although that calls into question whether cannibalism is wrong...hmmm, I gotta go rethink things.)


I'm not saying it's good. I don't think it's good and I never hurted an animal intentionally.

It's just that when people, in my eyes, act hypocritical like that it can really annoy me though I usually refrain from voicing my thoughts on it since I know it's not socially acceptable thinking


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

CoolSauce said:


> oh and people getting aggressive towards someone who abused an animal usually make my blood boil too..


# That does not make sense.

So, you're saying if someone tried to hang a dog and nobody was there to protect the dog at that moment in time then you WOULD NOT feel angry that nobody was there to protect the harmless animal? :roll

Your mentality is in the wrong place, there is a gargantuan leap of a distance between buying food that gets put on the market shelf whether it's bought or not....and abusing pets....I see pets as family. :yes

Bring on the next hater to be honest, you people poke fault at the wrong person :teeth

thanks for understanding.


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## TheQuietGirl20 (Feb 20, 2012)

If you are upset about the thoughts and try to reassure yourself you aren't like that. It could be Pure OCD. It's like a mental form of OCD


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## hrnmhmm (Feb 23, 2012)

Curiosity is not unusual but I imagine it would take a good deal of apathy or disorientation to act on it for your own satisfaction in spite of the victim. And then some degree of consistency in that disposition to act on it again.

I sometimes feel the same curiosity. Being so detached from the world.


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## contranigma (Jun 24, 2009)

nothingman said:


> - They say that it is common for sociopaths/killers to be fascinated by dead animals and their remians, that they hurt animals before taking the step of hurting a human. Well, when I was little I used to bring home dead birds. I put one in a jar. One day it was gone, my parents had discovered it and threw it away and I was very upset. Oh, and I almost hang my dog once and she nearly choked to death. I also like putting dead small animals under a microscope. I'm still hoping for the day we finally get to cut into some animal during biology class.


I don't know if this was already mentioned, because I didn't read the last two pages, but many people have been most upset about the fact that the original poster hurt animal. I quoted the part about that and if you read it, it doesn't say that they actually hurt any animal besides their dog. I think collecting dead animals is a lot different and less troubling than torturing and killing the animals. The thing about the dog is more troubling, but I'm not sure based on how the OP worded it whether or not almost hanging the dog was an intentional act.

I think a real psychopath could and would recognize that they were abnormal, but I don't think they would worry about it. If you didn't have empathy for other people, why would you worry about not having empathy for other people? If you lack empathy, you shouldn't be bothered about hurting others, emotionally or physically. Maybe you are worried about legal repercussions if you act on these fantasies?


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## Disastuh (Mar 20, 2010)

I'm not so sure about the suggestion that you could be a "psychopath." It seems that you would either suffer from social anxiety _or_ have ASPD, because there's a very different neurobiological basis for the two. On the one hand you have overactivation of the amygdala, and on the other it's underactive such that you experience a marked deficit in the emotions of fear, worry, etc. If you're truly socially anxious, then it may be that these thoughts you're having are more related to OCD.

This article may help if you're concerned: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2748873/


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## Setolac (Jul 26, 2009)

nothingman said:


> What are you saying, that all women are evil, or that women can't be dangerous because they're weak? Tell that to the guy who lost a tooth by me hitting him. That's the good thing about being a lesbian. You can hit guys and actually hurt them ( because you're not worried about breaking a nail or something like that like all the other girls ), but they'll still be hesitant about hitting you back because you're a girl.


oh so you're a lesbian, sorry. What I said applies to women only. Carry on..

Women are inherently reluctant to do what they say. This is the reason why women are less likely to commit suicide even if they say they are going to do it.


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## Cletis (Oct 10, 2011)

To the OP:

Definetly need some help with this. However, the fact you are disturbed by these thoughts and you _know_ they're wrong is a good sign.

Good luck.


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## Deserted (Jul 25, 2011)

I am enjoying this thread. OP, you should write a book. I'd buy it.


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

You seem intelligent enough to know the consequences of such actions, I'm sure you know where the line is. It's not unusual to think such things, just don't vocally express these thoughts, lol. I don't think cannibalism is widely accepted anymore, my ancestors did it back in the day, but then they were running around naked and killing each other. Hmmpf


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD (Jun 24, 2011)

what drugs do you do op? either way go inpatient. you need a professional to see you over not a bunch of hee-haws on a web forum based on dysfunction with members who have a rap sheet of there own problems. seek professional right away. today!


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## TheoBobTing (Jul 8, 2010)

Wacky Wednesdays said:


> I don't think cannibalism is widely accepted anymore, my ancestors did it back in the day, but then they were running around naked and killing each other


Yeah, my grandparents were weird too.


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## sonofanarchy (Feb 19, 2012)

Woah. That's awesome...

Way better than being normal, imo.

Embrace your will to power.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Dr Hobo Scratch MD said:


> what drugs do you do op? either way go inpatient. you need a professional to see you over not a bunch of hee-haws on a web forum based on dysfunction with members who have a rap sheet of there own problems. seek professional right away. today!


I have a professional to see me over. Seeing a psychologist almost every week. We discussed it yesterday.

The drugs: usually it's weed, sometimes xtc, sometimes truffles ( almost the same as psychedelic mushrooms ).


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Deserted said:


> I am enjoying this thread. OP, you should write a book. I'd buy it.


If it ever comes to that I'll make sure to let you know.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Setolac said:


> Women are inherently reluctant to do what they say. This is the reason why women are less likely to commit suicide even if they say they are going to do it.


My professor seems to have a different idea, based on the methods that the two sexes prefer. Statistically, men use more brutal methods to kill themselves, such as a gun, while women tend to use things like drug overdose. The reason for men successfully killing themselves more often would be because guns are more sure at working, while overdosing a drug is harder.

Feel free to disagree all you want, I'm inclined to believe my Psych professor who has been a clinical psychologist for over 50 years, then some dude on the interwebzzz.

Ahem. Sorry for interrupting the topic of the thread.

OP - whether it's traits of psychopathy or pure OCD, it would be best to talk to your therapist about this.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Monroee said:


> My professor seems to have a different idea, based on the methods that the two sexes prefer. Statistically, men use more brutal methods to kill themselves, such as a gun, while women tend to use things like drug overdose. The reason for men successfully killing themselves more often would be because guns are more sure at working, while overdosing a drug is harder.
> 
> Feel free to disagree all you want, I'm inclined to believe my Psych professor who has been a clinical psychologist for over 50 years, then some dude on the interwebzzz.
> 
> ...


You're not interrupting the topic of the thread. Anything even slightly related can be discussed here. And these are some very interesting statements and questions. So you study psychology?


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## googleamiable (Jun 5, 2009)

nothingman said:


> I do acknowledge that thoughts are one thing and actions are another. So far my thoughts haven't lead to drastic actions. I've discussed the matter with my psychologist today, but she really had to push to get it out of me. Guess she saw immediately that something was up. We agree that there's one side of me that begs for attention, wants to ask for help and be taken seriously but never learned how to ask and achieve that in a way like other people do. Then, there's this other side that wants anything bút attention. That just wants to be left alone,
> push everyone away, because I'm terrified of intimacy. I honestly don't know which side is at work here. It could be that I wrote this for one reason but now feel like it's another reason. I don't know. God, I wish my brain wasn't this complicated.


i don't think you should be confused about that apparent discrepancy. and i think it's human nature to have conflicting moods and thoughts, seems hypocritical but its how we are. take DMX (rapper), on the same album he'll have songs about redemption and praying, and songs about violence. it's not so much a question of "which side is real?", because they both (or all) are.

so yea, im like that too, i want attention, a gf, intimacy, but im also scared of having that and at other times just want to be alone. stuff's ok.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

Setolac said:


> oh so you're a lesbian, sorry. What I said applies to women only. Carry on..
> 
> Women are inherently reluctant to do what they say. This is the reason why women are less likely to commit suicide even if they say they are going to do it.


What you implied before about this issue kind of struck a nerve with me. I decided to let it go because it was pages in the past when I first posted. However, since it's back, I'd like to add my two cents... Have you read a study that women are inherently reluctant to do what they say, or did you pull that out of your ***? If you seriously have literature of the manner, I apologize for being so defensive. But as a woman, I'm sure you could see why this claim would upset me if you didn't have evidence to back it up. Please post it because I really would be interested in reading it from a source that is more academic and a little less condescending.

I have to say that I disagree with your suicide theory. Yes, statistics do show that even though more women suffer from depression, more men have completed suicide. One reason is that depression is more stigmatizing for men than it is for women. (Men generally tend to externalize their problems while women generally internalize them. Having an internalizing emotional disorder may make a man feel less masculine.) Therefore, it is possible that many men who suffer from depression suffer in silence and aren't counted as depression statistics. Another explanation is that women tend to pick more feminine suicide methods (pills/cutting) while men usually turn to something more aggressive (firearms/hanging). Since men tend to generally use more lethal methods, it only makes sense that they complete more suicides. It isn't that women aren't serious about killing themselves. It's just that there's something more beautiful and romantic about slowly bleeding to death in the bathtub vs. blowing brain and skull matter up against the wall.

I'd also like to critique what nothingman said about lesbians vs straight women. She makes it sound like lesbians and women are two separate categories when they're really not. Homosexuality isn't a third gender. It's a sexual orientation. There can be femme lesbians and there can tomboy straight women. I'm a heterosexual woman and a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighter. I've submitted many men and I've been submitted by many men on a dirty, sweaty wrestling mat. And I LOVE it!

I also look down on women taking pride in hitting a man without being swung back at. In my opinion, if you're tough enough to throw a punch, you should be tough enough to receive one.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

Monroee said:


> My professor seems to have a different idea, based on the methods that the two sexes prefer. Statistically, men use more brutal methods to kill themselves, such as a gun, while women tend to use things like drug overdose. The reason for men successfully killing themselves more often would be because guns are more sure at working, while overdosing a drug is harder.
> 
> Feel free to disagree all you want, I'm inclined to believe my Psych professor who has been a clinical psychologist for over 50 years, then some dude on the interwebzzz.
> 
> ...


Meh, didn't see the 7th page. I could have left that part out of my argument since you already explained it so well. Oh well. What's done is done.


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## T-Bone (Oct 1, 2010)

Nothing about this scares me. I have no idea why people are flippin out. Theres not really anything wrong with feeling sorry for serial killers i don't think when you think about how they got to that point, but you have to feel sorry for the victims as well. I've had thoughts of murder, but thats all they were, thoughts. not considerations. if you start planning out doing something horrific you should seek help.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

My brother's going through the same thing. He said he was much worse when he was on prozac (he has SA and OCD). I could get you in touch with him, if you'd like. I think the fact that you know these thoughts are wrong and that you have sympathy means that you're not a psychopath.


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## Wacky Wednesdays (Apr 10, 2011)

TheoBobTing said:


> Yeah, my grandparents were weird too.


True story, bro. My Fijian great great grandparents ran around killing each other. It was tradition to feast on captured/fallen enemies. Another tradition was to kill the lowest ranked villagers and use their bodies as foundation of the chiefs bure (house). 
They were a little on the eccentric side.

Anyway sorry to detract from the issue, OP. Good luck with your devious thoughts!


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## fonz (Oct 15, 2008)

I love watching docos on serial killers,and I always hope they get away with it


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## slimswavy (Mar 21, 2012)

SomebodyWakeME said:


> Nothing about this scares me. I have no idea why people are flippin out. Theres not really anything wrong with feeling sorry for serial killers i don't think when you think about how they got to that point, but you have to feel sorry for the victims as well. I've had thoughts of murder, but thats all they were, thoughts. not considerations. if you start planning out doing something horrific you should seek help.


I feel the same way..I'm not scared and I have no freaking idea why some people are freaking the f**k out. I've had thoughts of murder too, though I know I could never actually do it. As everyone else says, you gotta get some help asap. I'm here if you ever wanna talk one on one.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> What you implied before about this issue kind of struck a nerve with me. I decided to let it go because it was pages in the past when I first posted. However, since it's back, I'd like to add my two cents... Have you read a study that women are inherently reluctant to do what they say, or did you pull that out of your ***? If you seriously have literature of the manner, I apologize for being so defensive. But as a woman, I'm sure you could see why this claim would upset me if you didn't have evidence to back it up. Please post it because I really would be interested in reading it from a source that is more academic and a little less condescending.
> 
> I have to say that I disagree with your suicide theory. Yes, statistics do show that even though more women suffer from depression, more men have completed suicide. One reason is that depression is more stigmatizing for men than it is for women. (Men generally tend to externalize their problems while women generally internalize them. Having an internalizing emotional disorder may make a man feel less masculine.) Therefore, it is possible that many men who suffer from depression suffer in silence and aren't counted as depression statistics. Another explanation is that women tend to pick more feminine suicide methods (pills/cutting) while men usually turn to something more aggressive (firearms/hanging). Since men tend to generally use more lethal methods, it only makes sense that they complete more suicides. It isn't that women aren't serious about killing themselves. It's just that there's something more beautiful and romantic about slowly bleeding to death in the bathtub vs. blowing brain and skull matter up against the wall.
> 
> ...


I wasn't taking pride in hitting a guy without being swung back at ( I'm not saying you said I did ). I guess it just comes in handy. It would be a lot fairer if I received one back though. But he was very forgiving since after a few hours I was clear enough again to explain that I was having paranoid delusions about my friends locking me up with some sort of invisible demonic monster and left me there to die and that it was some kind of sick joke. Marihuana can do that to ya sometimes.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

It's ironic that someone joked today that she imagined my subconscious to be nothing but "Kill this person, kill that person, kill them ALL!" That's not true ofcourse. But I find it interesting. She probably thinks that because I tend to look angry all the time without even noticing it.


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nothingman said:


> It would be a lot fairer if I received one back though.


This.

Let me stick this little problem maker in the mix, if you were a guy at that moment in time, I wonder how he would have reacted then


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> This.
> 
> Let me stick this little problem maker in the mix, if you were a guy at that moment in time, I wonder how he would have reacted then


Probably he would've reacted the same. He's a bit of the live and let live, peace love and icecream hippie type lol. And he looks like jesus.


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nothingman said:


> icecream hippie type and looks like jesus.


the first time I smiled in this thread. :teeth


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## LittleSister (Jan 22, 2011)

We are one of the same. I've had very similar thoughts (minus the flesh eating - I have a distaste for meat). I've never told anyone before. Ever. A rare thing for me, but I figure that it's something best left in my head out of fear of the kind of reactions that have already been demonstrated on this thread.

I will probably never tell anyone about those thoughts... In person anyway. I don't think you're a freak. As said before, we all have curiosities and fascinations even if we don't want to admit it.

When I was 8 I killed some frogs and skinned them. I don't know why I did it and it scares me somewhat because the thought of doing something like that to an animal now makes me cringe (at least the killing part anyway).

You can get all wrapped up in your fantasies, but I've never seen a dead body before - although some part of me would like to out of curiosity I'm still not sure how I would react/feel/etc. Fantasies will only take you so far but seeing and hearing the real thing might snap you out of it.

Ever seen the video of that American (I think) guy getting his head cut off with a knife? I'm into gore, but it was very... Well, at first shocking. He screamed for much longer than I would have expected. It's not like in the movies... People struggle, scream, bleed a lot, have real fear in their eyes.

Ever seen the movie "Girl, Interrupted"?

But ... I can relate.

And to the poster who mentioned the Columbine Massacre... Everyone feels sorry for the victims of that shooting. To be honest I always felt more empathy towards the shooters *Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold*, who in my eyes were the real victims of the tragedy. Did everyone forget that they killed themselves?


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## LittleSister (Jan 22, 2011)

Monroee said:


> My professor seems to have a different idea, based on the methods that the two sexes prefer. Statistically, men use more brutal methods to kill themselves, such as a gun, while women tend to use things like drug overdose. The reason for men successfully killing themselves more often would be because guns are more sure at working, while overdosing a drug is harder.
> 
> Feel free to disagree all you want, I'm inclined to believe my Psych professor who has been a clinical psychologist for over 50 years, then some dude on the interwebzzz.
> 
> ...


I have a friend who is a paramedic... Here in Aus he thinks men are more likely to hang themselves whereas women are more likely to gas themselves in their car.

And yes, overdosing is hard...


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

LittleSister said:


> We are one of the same. I've had very similar thoughts (minus the flesh eating - I have a distaste for meat). I've never told anyone before. Ever. A rare thing for me, but I figure that it's something best left in my head out of fear of the kind of reactions that have already been demonstrated on this thread.
> 
> I will probably never tell anyone about those thoughts... In person anyway. I don't think you're a freak. As said before, we all have curiosities and fascinations even if we don't want to admit it.
> 
> ...


Well, I think it's a good thing that you at least talked about it here. I actually think the reactions were not that bad. I expected a whole lot of namecalling and stuff. I've never heard about the Columbine Massacre though. Didn't see this mentioned anywhere here too?

And I've seen some gore videos, some teens murdered men in Eastern Europe somewhere. Also there's this vid we call "Kneusje wil duiken" here in Holland. Translated: idiot wants to dive. A lot of people are disgusted by it but I don't have any trouble watching those things. Guess I just have a strong stomach.

Never seen a dead body in real life though. I'm visiting the university in Amsterdam soon, and after that we'll go to some sort of exhibition with real dead bodies. I wonder how they got a hold of those bodies... I can't imagine that someone would willingly approve their body to be used for art after you die.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

LittleSister said:


> I have a friend who is a paramedic... Here in Aus he thinks men are more likely to hang themselves whereas women are more likely to gas themselves in their car.
> 
> And yes, overdosing is hard...


This depends on what drugs you have access to I think. 6 strong XTC pills and my entire stash of prozac pretty much guarantees serotonin poisoning. That and a particular painkiller that you can get easily here in Holland also makes it really hard on your liver. I could have done this about a month ago. But I didn't. It does give me some hope that I had the chance but ignored it.


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## TheoBobTing (Jul 8, 2010)

nothingman said:


> And I've seen some gore videos, some teens murdered men in Eastern Europe somewhere.


Did one video involve a hammer and a screwdriver?


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## InMyDreams55 (Apr 1, 2011)

:door


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## dunno1234 (Sep 3, 2011)

Thank you OP for reminding me of this gangsta a*s song.


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## pancake111 (Sep 3, 2011)

I would definetly talk to someone about this.


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## SimplyStatic (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm not a doctor but you don't seem like a psychopath/serial killer to me. You're expressing worry and concern to other people with the hopes that maybe they can help you. Psychopaths have no true feelings/emotions, and this includes empathy. So if you were really that messed up then how would you figure we could help you? I'd guess you're probably just really anxious all the time and in "fight" mode rather than in flight mode. You definitely seem to know right from wrong.


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## alte (Sep 4, 2010)

LittleSister said:


> And to the poster who mentioned the Columbine Massacre... Everyone feels sorry for the victims of that shooting. To be honest I always felt more empathy towards the shooters Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who in my eyes were the real victims of the tragedy. Did everyone forget that they killed themselves?


Following a similar line of thought, Ted Kaczynski, (the Unabomber) was recognized as gifted from a very young age. He enrolled in Harvard university at age 16. He completed his PhD from the University of Michigan by age 25. His dissertation thesis was so complex that his mentor said it could be understood by only 10-12 people in the country. He did significant research for his age in mathematics. By age 25, he was appointed assistant professor at UC Berkley. He then had difficulty lecturing students due to nervousness (public speaking anxiety is hardly uncommon). Subsequently, he resigned at age 27, then became passionate about anarcho-primitivism to the point he began to live in the wilderness and learn self-sufficiency skills. When he saw corporations and government eroding the natural habitat he lived in, he sought revenge.

People label him as mentally ill. Ignoring the media and public bias, I see him as someone who passionately believed in a cause (questionably misguided one). He was naturally peaceful and only out of desperation resorted to violence. He contributed more to society than many people will. In different, more kinder circumstances, he could have accomplished much more too.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

TheoBobTing said:


> Did one video involve a hammer and a screwdriver?


Yes.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

SimplyStatic said:


> I'm not a doctor but you don't seem like a psychopath/serial killer to me. You're expressing worry and concern to other people with the hopes that maybe they can help you. Psychopaths have no true feelings/emotions, and this includes empathy. So if you were really that messed up then how would you figure we could help you? I'd guess you're probably just really anxious all the time and in "fight" mode rather than in flight mode. You definitely seem to know right from wrong.


Yeah that's what I'm thinking now too.


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## northstar1991 (Oct 4, 2011)

That is disturbing. You should definitely seek help!


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

nothingman said:


> Also there's this vid we call "Kneusje wil duiken" here in Holland. Translated: idiot wants to dive.


lol. I showed that one to a few people in school, last year. probably scarred them for life.. heh


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## anhedonic (Dec 19, 2011)

The pathology is strong in this one.

This just means you would be willing to do what most others are afraid of, in certain situations.


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## Col (Mar 18, 2012)

Nothing in your post seemed that weird to me. I like dead animals and stuff like that too. But this


> Oh, and I almost hang my dog once and she nearly choked to death.


That is ****ed up and pisses me off.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*nothingman*

Well, its an interesting read!

I'm sure that if you decide to ignore your empathy, you may become a killer. 
Some people say that anyone would become a killer, under the correct set of circumstances!
There is nothing anyone can do to stop you, so I'm just going to ignore that part, as I have some suggestions for alternatives, if you like.

A masochist can be a good thing in alot of careers, you know.
How are your grades? If they are really good, you could become a brain surgeon or like, plastic surgery. 
You would be able to cut into peoples faces for a living, and get paid QUITE well.
If you feel aggressive, you can take up boxing or mixed Martial arts and that always looks like alot of fun!
Probably one of your biggest problems is boredom.
Are you getting laid?
Showing aggression to woman often happens when a man gets no sex, and/or feels like they owe it to him becuase of how he was raised/beliefs

As for tasting human, there are some countries that do it, I'm sure if you had enough money you could, but it's not really necessary, is it?
Soposed to taste gross, and I think cannibals only "Like it" to be shocking.
SO lame.

I'm sure there are other careers where you can get things on.


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## Luka92 (Dec 13, 2011)

At least you are aware that those thoughts aren't normal. Still, maybe you should seek help. I used to read about serial killers and other criminals a lot (morbid curiousity, I suppose), but I never had any psychopatic fantasies.


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## VerbalHologram (Feb 19, 2007)

Below is a list of the 14 most common traits of serial killers. 
1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.
2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.
3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.
4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.
5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.
6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.
7. They hate their fathers and mothers.
8. They are commonly abused as children — psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member. 
9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.
10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.
11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.
12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.
13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.
14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.
Source: Internal Association of Forensic Science, an article written by FBI Special Agent Robert K. Ressler
"The Serial Killer," Harold Schechter


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## Cletis (Oct 10, 2011)

OP:

The fact you're worried about becoming a serial killer means you probably won't.


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## Bbpuff (Sep 1, 2010)

There was another thread like this awhile back. I dont really remember much, but it was about a guy saying how handsome he was, and that he felt superior to everyone else. And he constantly had morbid thoughts abou killing, but he acted like it was alright. Like he saw nothing wrong with it because he was superior to everyone else. Honestly if you want my advice, like everyone else I think you should tell a therapist about this.. Please control yourself, and never act upon this..


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## AshCash (Oct 31, 2009)

Maybe you will get your own show,like dexter!


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## TigerRifle1 (Jan 25, 2012)

And I thought I was messed up for driving past the houses/apartments of girls that I like.


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## fredbloggs02 (Dec 14, 2009)

You write clearly and very methodically. I find it all the more curious you confess to people here and follow up with the the thought that you might like to see some of us disturbed. You sound just like one of Sade's villains, word for in parts, but I won't speak about that, because that will upset people. A single difference between you and one of them is that they practised their fantasies in stages untill their inhibitions declined. Your writing feels more frenetic, more anxious, reflective in that you wonder whether you would enjoy them, so I don't think you're like them, but then he was a writer trying to make a point... How old are you may I ask? Also, had you heard these ideas elsewhere before considering them? Do you feel guilty about these thoughts? How long have you had these thoughts? I wouldn't accuse you of thought crime, big difference between thinking things and doing them you know, infact I know someone who used to have very guilty thoughts like you, I think they can run parallel with ocd, don't blame yourself for them they are not your fault, I think minds that order or care more than most test themselves, but if you want to get this checked or get help for peace of mind, you perhaps should.


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

y'know what, if she turned into a serial killer now I wouldn't even care because I took a well deserved break from the forum and this thread is still dragging on like a nasty case of gangrene in the nether regions.

I don't even care about my spelling.
Probably impeccable as always. :blank < ---- my poker face irl

Thanks for understanding.
best regards,


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

You live in the Netherlands, get your *** to a cafe and munch on some hash cookies, smoke a fat *** blunt and by the end of it you'll be so high that the crazy **** youre thinking of will disappear.

Smoke some of that sticky icky green **** homie


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

mzmz said:


> Well, its an interesting read!
> 
> I'm sure that if you decide to ignore your empathy, you may become a killer.
> Some people say that anyone would become a killer, under the correct set of circumstances!
> ...


My grades are pretty bad. I don't know how the education system works where you live but here in the Netherlands I'm in high school where you have different lvls of difficulty and I'm in the 5th year of the 6 of the highest lvl called Gymnasium. So it's pretty hard.

Becoming a surgeon is no option. I'm sure that I don't want to study medicine. Boxing and stuff like that might be a good idea though. Most of the time when I feel agressive I direct my anger towards the wall, but that's not really healthy since my knuckles are pretty messed up already.

Boredom is definitely a factor though. And, no I'm not getting laid lol but I'm just 16 so that's normal. Although if you think about the way society is developing, it will probably become abnormal soon when you see that the majority of 12 year old girls dress like ****s... And I'm not a guy by the way. I may look like one though but that's just because I dress and behave like one and I don't like guys but if your statement is biological, then that doesn't matter.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

BananaCat said:


> Sounds like something I saw on a show once called "OCD bad thoughts." Also, I agree with the people who posted that your meds may be to blame. They can do some funny things. Definitely reach out for professional help. Hope things get better for you.


Thank you. My psychologist didn't say anything about the possibility of my meds being the cause. Next time I see her I will ask her about that.


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## tinkerbomber (Mar 14, 2012)

*talk to me*

There is more that meets the eye with me....


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## Later (May 5, 2011)

Are you interest in taxidermy? I was watching My Strange Addiction and the artist collected dead animals and stuffed them, for years in her apartment

I'm not trying to diagnose you, it is scary to think you're anti social resulting in being a serial killer. I've been with little kids brought in by their parents, they're young they have no remorse towards others especially hurting animals.. having conduct disorder. You should continue to receive counseling and therapy


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

VerbalHologram said:


> Below is a list of the 14 most common traits of serial killers.
> 1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.
> 2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.
> 3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.
> ...


1. I'm female ( although extremely boyish lol. )

2. Most people consider me intelligent. Never done an IQ test though but soon I will. I think I'll score pretty high.

3. I will probably repeat this year's class because I never made any homework and have trouble with mathematics. But I have had a job for about 5 months now though.

4. My family is not more unstable than the usual yelling and arguments between parents and children. I tend to avoid situations that will make my father mad. Like I have to deny the existense of my stepfather Jack, and can never say his name. Laughing during dinner and spilling things can upset him pretty bad also but I guess that's normal. I cannot remember it myself but my brother said that when we spoke of my stepfather when we were little, he would flip out and drop us off somewhere while we were just little kids crying. I just know not to do it and if I don't everything's fine. Besides when he is angry now, he doesn't start yelling or stuff like that. He's just even more quiet than usual and stares at you with a piercing look. But for the rest of it my home environment is peaceful.

5. My mom left my father when I was 2. Since then I see him one day a week, sometimes 1 day in two weeks. But I don't feel connected to him in any way so if it were up to me I would never go there again because we barely talk anyway so I don't see the point.

6. As far as I know no criminal history. Only a grandmother with depression and an alcoholic uncle. Although my father did do some weird things after the divorce, like breaking into my mom's garage and filling the gas tank with the wrong fuel, causing my mother's car to stop in the middle of the road. I don't think it was his intention to seriously hurt anyone by that though. Later he also broke into the garage again at night and glued all the doors and windows of my stepfather's car with that kind of yellow sticky foam, so that we couldn't get the doors and windows to open anymore, but we got that off in the end.

7. I love my mother. I don't love my father but I don't hate him either. I actually have no emotion or feeling or connection to him at all. We tend to go our own way, he shows no interest in me and I show no interest in him. We never do anything together either, but that's fine by me. What I do hate is to alone in the same room with him because then there will be a lot of awkward silences. Honestly, the only interest I have for the man is the interest in his wallet he pulls out every Saturday to give me some money. Seems harsh but that's the way it is.

8. Physically abused never. Sexually, well, maybe. Not sure about that. That's a bit complicated. My stepfather liked to make sexually tinted jokes about me all the time. Whenever I was sitting next to him or hugged him he liked to touch my breasts. He also touched my *** quite often. But it never went further than that because I made sure I was never close enough to him for him to try something like that again. After a while he just stopped trying and I could get close to him again if I wanted to without anything happening.

9. Never been in an institution. Although there were some times that I wish I were and that I wanted to tell others to call an ambulance and lock me up somewhere because I was having so many (self-)destructive thoughts and actions that I was doubting the safety of both myself and others around me. This never happened when I was drugfree though, only when I had smoked weed and taken xtc. Psychiatric problems, well that one is quite obvious, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place... :'D

10. Except for the fact that I'm the most destructive person I know ( see my thread: Why am I so self-destructive? ) I've never had a SERIOUS attempt. One intentional overdose and one time I wanted to know what it felt like to hang myself and whether I had the guts to do it or not. I did, but got my feet on the ground again after a few seconds, and that was also the plan. Other than that I've only had some fantasies and plans made but nothing serious.

11. Interested yes, but not from a young age.

12. Last time I was 8 years old.

13. I did start a fire on a street during one of our local holidays here. Police made me put it out and I got away with a warning.

14. I wouldn't say I'm sadistic. When I see people hurt on the news it's more like carelessness. Usually when I act wirth the goal of hurting someone it's not because of pleasure but anger and jealousy so no. Does cutting up earthworms because it's fun to watch the seperated sides crawl into different directions count as tormenting small creatures? I mean, they're earthworms. Nobody cares about earthworms right?

That's about it.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Makaveli said:


> You live in the Netherlands, get your *** to a cafe and munch on some hash cookies, smoke a fat *** blunt and by the end of it you'll be so high that the crazy **** youre thinking of will disappear.
> 
> Smoke some of that sticky icky green **** homie


Trust me, I regularly smoke blunts and use bongs and waterpipes. Ofcourse I do, I'm Dutch! You can walk around the street with a huge joint here and all that happens is some people looking at you funny. But actually, my thoughts and fantasies are the most violent and destructive while I'm high.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Later said:


> Are you interest in taxidermy? I was watching My Strange Addiction and the artist collected dead animals and stuffed them, for years in her apartment
> 
> I'm not trying to diagnose you, it is scary to think you're anti social resulting in being a serial killer. I've been with little kids brought in by their parents, they're young they have no remorse towards others especially hurting animals.. having conduct disorder. You should continue to receive counseling and therapy


I only brought a dead bird home and stored it for a week or so until my stepfather discovered it and threw it away. I did have some animal bones of mice and birds but I lost them. As for roadkill, I can't resist examining it closely and sometimes touching it ( it's a miracle I haven't contracted a disease yet ) but not collecting and stuffing them.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NatureFellow said:


> y'know what, if she turned into a serial killer now I wouldn't even care because I took a well deserved break from the forum and this thread is still dragging on like a nasty case of gangrene in the nether regions.
> 
> I don't even care about my spelling.
> Probably impeccable as always. :blank < ---- my poker face irl
> ...


I'm not an expert since English isn't my native language but your spelling seems fine to me.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Cletis said:


> OP:
> 
> The fact you're worried about becoming a serial killer means you probably won't.


Yes, that's true I guess. Creepy avatar by the way...


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

TigerRifle1 said:


> And I thought I was messed up for driving past the houses/apartments of girls that I like.


I think that's perfectly normal. During a sleepover I stayed up the entire night because I was watching the girl I've been in love with for 5 years now sleep. *creep-mode on*


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Super Marshy said:


> There was another thread like this awhile back. I dont really remember much, but it was about a guy saying how handsome he was, and that he felt superior to everyone else. And he constantly had morbid thoughts abou killing, but he acted like it was alright. Like he saw nothing wrong with it because he was superior to everyone else. Honestly if you want my advice, like everyone else I think you should tell a therapist about this.. Please control yourself, and never act upon this..


I don't constantly have thoughts like this. Handsome I am most certainly not. I do sometimes feel superior. That's really odd about me. I'm very insecure and have low self-esteem/worth/respect and I hate myself half of the time but at the same time I think very decrying of others and ridicule them because I believe that I'm smarter than them. And I'm not proud of it, but I have a tendency to make comments that others find very racistic. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the Dutch politician Geert Wilders? Well, I sort of see him as a national hero. ( A lot of people will like me a LOT less after admitting that. ) I'll be honest with you, I don't like Islam very much and I'm sort of paranoid about muslims all the time. Even though I know it's bad and arrogant, I feel a lot better when feeling superior than when I value myself not more than a penny.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

AshCash said:


> Maybe you will get your own show,like dexter!


God no, if anyone ever tries to film me with the intention of it coming on TV I will rip the ****er's camera out of his hands and run away...


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

nothingman said:


> I think that's perfectly normal. During a sleepover I stayed up the entire night because I was watching the girl I've been in love with for 5 years now sleep. *creep-mode on*


that's sexy


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

fredbloggs02 said:


> You write clearly and very methodically. I find it all the more curious you confess to people here and follow up with the the thought that you might like to see some of us disturbed. You sound just like one of Sade's villains, word for in parts, but I won't speak about that, because that will upset people. A single difference between you and one of them is that they practised their fantasies in stages untill their inhibitions declined. Your writing feels more frenetic, more anxious, reflective in that you wonder whether you would enjoy them, so I don't think you're like them, but then he was a writer trying to make a point... How old are you may I ask? Also, had you heard these ideas elsewhere before considering them? Do you feel guilty about these thoughts? How long have you had these thoughts? I wouldn't accuse you of thought crime, big difference between thinking things and doing them you know, infact I know someone who used to have very guilty thoughts like you, I think they can run parallel with ocd, don't blame yourself for them they are not your fault, I think minds that order or care more than most test themselves, but if you want to get this checked or get help for peace of mind, you perhaps should.


What does it mean to write methodically?

I've never heard of any Sade or the villains of this Sade. Could you tell me something about this villains of Sade?

I turned sixteen in september. And yes have seen and heard some of the ideas before having them, like the cannibalism thing. I've had all these thoughts for about, well, something between 6 months and a year.

Whether or not I feel guilty is a tough question. How would you describe guilt? Is guilt knowing that you did something wrong? Because I am aware that these thoughts are wrong and unusual. Or is guilt regretting having them? Because I don't really regret it. Or is guilt thinking: I am a bad person for thinking/doing this? Because I do wonder whether this makes me a bad person but I don't know for sure that it makes me a bad person. Or lastly, is guilt hoping you never do something again? I don't have that either. My strongest emotion that I feel about having these thoughts is curiosity, almost fascination with my own mind. And that's the funny thing. There are three kind of minds that I'm interested in: the minds of the criminal, the minds of the mentally ill and the mind of my own.

And I'm already getting help from a psychologist, been seeing her for 2 or 2 and a half years now. But I've almost given up hope for ever achieving peace of mind. Maybe one day I won't be anxious or depressed anymore but I don't think I will ever have complete peace of mind. I'm way too uptight for that.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

CoolSauce said:


> that's sexy


It was actually kind of weird because I think she was dreaming about laying next to her boyfriend while it was actually me. Kind of awkward when she suddenly puts her arms around you and lays her head on your chests while she's asleep and she has no idea that she's doing it. I didn't mind at all though haha. Happiest night of my life. Is that sad?


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## CoolSauce (Mar 6, 2012)

nothingman said:


> It was actually kind of weird because I think she was dreaming about laying next to her boyfriend while it was actually me. Kind of awkward when she suddenly puts her arms around you and lays her head on your chests while she's asleep and she has no idea that she's doing it. I didn't mind at all though haha. Happiest night of my life. Is that sad?


not sad for my standards. I could only dream of watching the girl I had a crush on for years sleep let alone her grabbing me while doing so, lol

but yeah, looking at it in an objective point of view it's kind of sad I guess :\


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

Cletis said:


> OP:
> 
> The fact you're worried about becoming a serial killer means you probably won't.


I stand by this Philosophy.


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## straightarrows (Jun 18, 2010)

I always ask my-self: How I didn't become a serial killer??? 

when I read about them on Wiki I really feel :haha:haha ,,,,,,,


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## NatureFellow (Jun 14, 2011)

nothingman said:


> I think that's perfectly normal. During a sleepover I stayed up the entire night because I was watching the girl I've been in love with for 5 years now sleep. *creep-mode on*


I nodded my head at the monitor in approval.
NOW BACK TO MY ARGUEMENTATIVE STATE
Let's do this, sister.


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## thuzzy (Mar 30, 2012)

Well this is fascinating, it's really interesting what you've been saying. I'm not sure if you've ever considered Asperger syndrome? But some of this sounds kind of similar to that.


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## bexx (Mar 30, 2012)

All sounds pretty familiar to me. You might wanna seek help. I wouldn't, but if you want to change, which it seems you do, go for it.


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## 213 (Mar 15, 2012)

jeffrey dahmer is hot


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## 213 (Mar 15, 2012)

gurl this thing is normal, nbd, well at least for the majority of us from the serial killer community


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## UgShy (Mar 6, 2012)

you should talk to a therapist.. tell them this


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

Please don't kill anyone! D:


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

thuzzy said:


> Well this is fascinating, it's really interesting what you've been saying. I'm not sure if you've ever considered Asperger syndrome? But some of this sounds kind of similar to that.


I have considered Asperger's yes. I've actually asked to get tested three times but they never did. Both my current and former psychologist think that there's a possibility. I've done a lot of unofficial tests that say that there is a large possibility. My general practioner was okay with it also. But just because there is this one jerk who gives me something like mother-daughter family therapy ( it's just about practising to talk with my mother, I think it's stupid but whatever ) who thinks he knows everything about me, disagrees with it and doesn't think that that could be the problem, testing is off the table. They don't see the added value of it. But I do. I think it would help a lot with my identity issues. Otherwise I just keep wondering and worrying about it.


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## ainsleigh (Dec 6, 2011)

I think that it's better that you've voiced how you feel and the truth rather than keep it in. That's courageous of you, especially when what your feeling is so extreme. I think keeping it in would just perpetuate the intensity of the feelings. 

You have some powerful energy pent up there. Ever thought of putting it to positive use rather than destructive use? Boxing? Martial arts? Creative expression? Art? Painting? 

Are you currently getting therapy for this?


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

ainsleigh said:


> I think that it's better that you've voiced how you feel and the truth rather than keep it in. That's courageous of you, especially when what your feeling is so extreme. I think keeping it in would just perpetuate the intensity of the feelings.
> 
> You have some powerful energy pent up there. Ever thought of putting it to positive use rather than destructive use? Boxing? Martial arts? Creative expression? Art? Painting?
> 
> Are you currently getting therapy for this?


Honestly I'm not sure what I'm getting therapy for anymore. It used to be for social anxiety and depression but I don't think they can help me any further than they already have.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

I am truly at a loss for words...


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

213 said:


> jeffrey dahmer is hot


No way man.


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## Col (Mar 18, 2012)

Later said:


> Are you interest in taxidermy? I was watching My Strange Addiction and the artist collected dead animals and stuffed them, for years in her apartment


Taxidermy is a hobby and has nothing to do with serial killing. I absolutely hated the way they treated her on that episode. Taxidermy isn't even weird, people make a living from it.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Col said:


> Taxidermy is a hobby and has nothing to do with serial killing. I absolutely hated the way they treated her on that episode. Taxidermy isn't even weird, people make a living from it.


All I know is it certainly makes the biology classroom a lot more interesting.


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## Smoothie (Feb 14, 2012)

I think is kinda worrying,reminds me of the guys
from that show were they show the lives of psychopaths,I'm afraid that maybe when you have a bad day you can just flip...
Try searching for help.Like said before,please let you'r dog with someone else you can trust,you said you almost killed her,that's horrible.
But you want help,since you made the post,so that's a good sign.


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## IGdwight (Apr 4, 2012)

I too am fascinated with the lives of Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, Richard Kuklinski, etc.. Are you under heavy substance abuse if I may ask? I cannot help but conclude that is one reason one becomes too lonely and starts to become interested in things like these. I believe you can still be helped because these feelings of yours is a result of social experiences, childhood upbringing, and etc..Anyway, most of the time serial killers are sexually motivated when they kill. I cannot help but notice your gender is stated as a female. Regardless, I dont believe any doctor can fix this. This is up to you. Don't let the people who have treated you bad before make you become like this. Don't be a product of how society mistreated you. Rise up? Use this dark time to motivate yourself to be better. Am I making sense here? I just wanted to help..


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## beshino (Feb 19, 2011)

Interesting thread. Had something to say, but then I actually deleted it accidentally.. so.. ya. It's much more interesting seeing all the replies though. Seeing what people get their motivation from. I personally don't get the obsession, but I've seen worse. Indirectly, people do a lot more stuff that's even more heinous, and people find this disturbing? It's too hypocritical. Humans think that they're.. so special.



NatureFellow said:


> I nodded my head at the monitor in approval.
> NOW BACK TO MY ARGUEMENTATIVE STATE
> Let's do this, sister.


 lol. I don't know why you're being so stressed about this when there are clearly MUCH more things you should be worrying about. I mean.. People eat and skin dogs in Asia. You think that just because people don't share your empathy for animals you have to argue? Just don't come to the thread. Eat a vegan burger, and advocate for it if you want. Talking to someone like this is fruitless (not insulting you op btw just saying that talking like that is fruitless).

I will say this though.. Cause and effect are the only thing I worry about. Emotions are just a perspective, there's really no "bad", it's just a social construct and ambiguous thing in my opinion, but, you should think of the purpose of your actions. Just know that there are certain repercussions for your actions, and more or less, any action for that matter. Whether your thoughts are clubbing seals, and poaching bears, it makes no difference to me. Just know what you're getting yourself into when you do something.

"psychotic" "bad" <--- Some funny labels people keep throwing around. Who is anybody to judge? Seriously..


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

I personally wouldn't be afraid of you at all. Well, I'd fear you since you're a person and I have SA, but I wouldn't feel physically endangered.

You don't sound at all like any sociopath. You have a very clear recognition that you shouldn't actually do any of the things you think about. Sociopaths lack such awareness. Or they know, but don't give a damn 'cause they find killing and other destructive criminal behavior to be a whole lot of fun.

I gather a lot of folks enjoy violence in their imagination just like you. That's the only way I can explain all the gore-fest gross-out films that I avoid. I'm fine with violence if it's necessary to the plot & I can still eat while watching, but there is quite a large genre of cinema where using as many gallons of fake blood as possible seems to be the objective. Special effects artists endlessly try to one up another by creating an even more disgusting movie scene.

You mentioned dead birds. Well, it's not like you killed them and folks are fascinated by all sorts of different things. Certainly not the most common interest, but I wouldn't try to read much into it. There are lots of guys who've spent a lifetime collecting firearms, and after a lifetime of collecting deadly weapons they drop dead of old age having never fired at any human at all. They're not the least bit dangerous despite having all the equipment to be so.

We could also get into sexism here. You're female and you'd be a statistical oddity if you became a serial killer. I assume I won't offend any feminists on SAS. I've yet to hear any women demand equality by saying "we're ever bit as brutal & blood-thirsty as any man!":lol

You remind me of a subset of folks with OCD who have to stop frequently while driving as they worry they ran over somebody. Are they bad drivers who run over folks. Nope. They just irrationally worry, such that every bump feels like it could have been a body. Your worry seems to be of a very similar style.

BTW, Jeffery Dahmer lived only about 8 miles from me. I'm also in the state that brought you Ed Gein, who though digging up the dead and making lamp shades from their skin was a nifty decorating idea. Don't think Martha Stewart would agree.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

UltraShy said:


> I personally wouldn't be afraid of you at all. Well, I'd fear you since you're a person and I have SA, but I wouldn't feel physically endangered.
> 
> You don't sound at all like any sociopath. You have a very clear recognition that you shouldn't actually do any of the things you think about. Sociopaths lack such awareness. Or they know, but don't give a damn 'cause they find killing and other destructive criminal behavior to be a whole lot of fun.
> 
> ...


Great Post.


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## ShyGirl123 (Jan 10, 2012)

DAM71392 said:


> cool story bro , tell me how it ends


^this

But on a serious note I think of everything but eating people's flesh. We have sort of the same thoughts... Message me if you wanna chat sometime, I think I would enjoy talking with you...


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## Christina123 (May 26, 2011)

Just sounds like severe depression to me. I've wanted to punch people before and felt everyone was dumb when it was a matter of my own suffering.


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## falling down (Oct 17, 2011)

wtf


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## AtmosphereIsHipHop (Sep 7, 2011)

falling down said:


> wtf


lololol


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## NotAnExit (Apr 9, 2012)

Woah...Well I just read this and Im a bit reluctant to say, alot of this hits close to home. I mean Ive never humored hurting animals or consuming human flesh, but just the violent fantasies. Going through the details if you were to do such a thing.The thoughts have been some what of a way to vent for me, just let off steam. I mean I know for a fact that I woud never take a life.Its against the law and then theres the morality of it. If asked to give the best reason out of the two for never doing such a thing, the morality of it would have to go in second place.But thats just me.

Im thinking alot of this just has to do with my current frustration and being unhappy with where my life is at the moment. I dont read all that much about serial killers but I know ive heard somewhere about the different motives involved...Comfort, lust, power, all that shizz, and power stood out to me. Someone could feel powerless in ones life and its take it to such an extent where they think "what better way to come out on top than to take someones life" it's one of the ultimate taboos. 

When you said that is's like you hate yourself but think youre better than most people I couldnt help but snicker. I once reffered to myself as a "self loathing narcissist" hah. Whatever, just basically keep your unit on ya lol I'd be interested in hearing more about your situation so yeah... watching this thread.


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## maddi76 (Apr 9, 2012)

i have a close friend who's the exact same way, but he's always been very kind and loving to me, although very selfish and self centered. he talks alot about the things you said here, 'cept that was when he wasn't medicated. and now that he is he still mentions the misanthropy every now and then. but i think what you both have in common is flip sides, and i agree somewhat with your ending. but just remember, is it better to kill many people and have them group up in fear against you and take you down? or is it better to be loved by many people and have them protect you at all costs? from experience, i know that the last one is true. i play a real sweetheart in public and around other people, and carefully weigh their reactions, and try to help people and genuinely care. see, when the king is loved, his country will die for him. but when he is feared, they will end him. remember this, for survival, at least. but yeah, get help. it sounds kinda serious, have you suffered any kind of childhood issues? just wondering, not to be too nosey...


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

NotAnExit said:


> Woah...Well I just read this and Im a bit reluctant to say, alot of this hits close to home. I mean Ive never humored hurting animals or consuming human flesh, but just the violent fantasies. Going through the details if you were to do such a thing.The thoughts have been some what of a way to vent for me, just let off steam. I mean I know for a fact that I woud never take a life.Its against the law and then theres the morality of it. If asked to give the best reason out of the two for never doing such a thing, the morality of it would have to go in second place.But thats just me.
> 
> Im thinking alot of this just has to do with my current frustration and being unhappy with where my life is at the moment. I dont read all that much about serial killers but I know ive heard somewhere about the different motives involved...Comfort, lust, power, all that shizz, and power stood out to me. Someone could feel powerless in ones life and its take it to such an extent where they think "what better way to come out on top than to take someones life" it's one of the ultimate taboos.
> 
> When you said that is's like you hate yourself but think youre better than most people I couldnt help but snicker. I once reffered to myself as a "self loathing narcissist" hah. Whatever, just basically keep your unit on ya lol I'd be interested in hearing more about your situation so yeah... watching this thread.


I think that under the right circumstances, everyone is capable of murder. Everyone. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to debate this. Truth be told, you can never know for sure unless you try. And I wonder: if I tried, could I? You say that the determining factor is that it's against the law, not that it's immoral. Have you never broken a law before then? Or are you just scared of being locked up in prison or getting the death penalty? ( I don't know where you live, but in my country that's forbidden ) What you say about feeling powerless in your life definetely applies to me. And I just love the description "self loathing narcissist". I have to remember that one.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

maddi76 said:


> i have a close friend who's the exact same way, but he's always been very kind and loving to me, although very selfish and self centered. he talks alot about the things you said here, 'cept that was when he wasn't medicated. and now that he is he still mentions the misanthropy every now and then. but i think what you both have in common is flip sides, and i agree somewhat with your ending. but just remember, is it better to kill many people and have them group up in fear against you and take you down? or is it better to be loved by many people and have them protect you at all costs? from experience, i know that the last one is true. i play a real sweetheart in public and around other people, and carefully weigh their reactions, and try to help people and genuinely care. see, when the king is loved, his country will die for him. but when he is feared, they will end him. remember this, for survival, at least. but yeah, get help. it sounds kinda serious, have you suffered any kind of childhood issues? just wondering, not to be too nosey...


From my own experience, when you're nice to people they kick you when you're down, they abuse your kindness, they turn your back on you when you need them most even though you've been there for them every single time. They ask for you to sacrifice something all the time but never do anything in return. The weak and the kind are used as the crutches for the selfish and the strong, who don't even need crutches. I have never been selfish, up until the past months. You have no idea how being selfish once in a while can boost your self-esteem.

Self-centered I've been since the day I was born. But I don't think that's uncommon with socially anxious people. After all, most of us think that every whispering student is talking about us behind their back, that all the wrong in the world is caused by us, that everyone is out to get us, that people act *****y because of us. We all think that everything is about us and because of us. That's what self-centered means. Self-centered is not the same as selfish, but I'm sure you knew that already right?

I'm not sure when my misantrophy is worse. When I was off meds a while ago, I basically hated everyone. Now when I'm on meds I just hate almost everyone. Logically I would assume that it's better to be loved than to be feared. I've tried being kind, caring and helpful. All genuine. I've sacrificed a lot for the people I love. I tried to help them so many times that I was beginning to feel more of a therapist than a friend. I wasn't loved, I was used. So now I'm trying something different. Being feared creates a huge thrill for me. It makes me feel strong and dominant and powerful, which is the exact opposite of the pathetic lap dog I've always been, following people around, giving them everything they need while I'm dying inside.

You think people love you, you think people are grateful, but when they have to protect you instead of the other way around, they **** you from behind and stab you in the back. They leave you broken on the floor like the worthless piece of **** that you are, they give you a kick in the face with dog **** covered boots.

When people group up against me, well, at least I'll be different, at least I'll be special, at least they finally see me as a threat that needs to be elimanted instead of some unimportant insect crawling on the floor.

Childhood issues. There's enough of those to talk about. Well, there's my parent's divorce at age 2. Suddenly my mom was packing all her things and I had no idea what was going on. This is actually the first memory that I have. Then we're in this strange new house with a strange new man. I cried for days that I wanted my daddy.

The divorce left my father cold and distanced. We barely talk, he never smiles. I only see him once a week, but emotionally he's absent in my life. Now, I don't wish I had mý father, I just wish I had á father. I don't wish for a better relationship with him, I just wish for a strong protective man that I can feel safe with, that I can trust with anything. Not this uninterested, bitter, dead-eyed person that does nothing but make fun of me with my brother who he obviously loves a lot more than me.

My relationship with my mother is weird. We love eachother but we can't talk to eachother. We never learned how. Even if she has the time which is not very often due to her work and study, it's all awkwardness.

Then there's my stepfather who sexually abused me in the past. I never told my mom because I didn't want her to kick him out because then she would be all alone again. I also thought or still think that it was my fault. I don't know what I think about that.

I moved a few times so I never made any friends in my hometown. I did make some friends at school though. I was never bullied or anything until high school. Like probably all of us here, I was the weird kid. Everyone thought I was a boy at first while actually I'm just a lesbian girl who dresses like a boy. People have made a lot of fun about me for that, but luckily it didn't go much further than words and some pushing and trying to let me stumble. It really wasn't that bad, I learned to ignore it and now everything's fine.

What I've been struggling with a lot is identity. First it was sexual identity and preferance and coming out and all that. Now, it's more complicated than that. Who am I and what do I really want? Am I a good or a bad person? Am I crazy or not? Am I just different or something else? Hundreds of these questions keep nagging me and they can't be answered and that frustrates me since I have a disgust for uncertainty.

Also up until about 6 months I've had a bit of a messias-complex. I always needed to help 
and save everyone at all costs, espescially my own costs. For example I met a girl on the internet, who said she was being abused by her mother. I spent such a long time trying to convince her to go get help and giving her advice and stuff. I also trusted her with my own problems. Then suddenly she's saying she's going to kill herself and disappears for me for 4 days. After a lot of sleepless nights I had just decided to finally take a train to where she lived to check if she was okay, she appeared again, this time sending me dozens of photos of her naked and talking all kinds of nasty stuff. Turns out she was 8 years older than she said she was and that she was lying about everything and was simply a sexaddicted attention seeking maniac. It took me about 6 months to break off contact because I still felt like I had to save her from something. I get that a lot with people, even the ones I barely know. If something bad happened to them or to someone else it was always my fault because somehow it was my responsiblity to save the entire goddamn world.

I've had some more experience with manipulative *****es. The girl I've loved for 5 years, the girl I've basically been obsessed with for 5 years is one too. From the moment she knew that I loved her more than anything else, she abused that fact by trying to let me do everything for her ( which I did because I was always afraid of losing the one thing I had that I felt like it kept me human ). She's gotten through 5 relationships since I know her and every ****ing time I have to hear her whine about all her boyfriend troubles, give her advice and talk her through it every ****ing day, solve all her problems and clean the mess up after the douchebags leave her and then comes the next one and I don't even get a thank you for everything, for 5 years I've been a pathetic little slave and I hate myself and her for that. How are you supposed to try and save another one's relationship every single day while at the same time you wish it would die bloody because of the jealousy ripping you apart every day.

I don't mean to whine or anything because I know that these things happen to almost everyone at least once during their lives but I'm only telling all this beccause I know that in fact it hás changed my view and personality a lot. Like I never learned how to stand up for myself, never felt worthy, always felt useless and as the last choice. I never learned how to ask attention in a normal way and I never learned how to talk with people I know in real life about my problems because I was always too busy trying to solve everyone elses.

And finally there is the typical self-destructive behaviour that I can't seem to stop with or find an exlanation for. Drug and alcohol abuse, all kind of forms of self-mutilation, all that. When I say drugs I mean pot, xtc and mushrooms. Alcohol is mostly scotch or vodka.

I'm not mentioning things like social anxiety, depression and sleeping problems because I think we all have that here so that's pretty obvious.


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## Rodin (May 11, 2011)

Sounds like you got yourself lots of great material for a horror movie script.

Just because you think certain things is not in and of itself a cause for concern. Everything in horror films had to be _thought_ by someone.

As long as you don't act on your thoughts, it's not that big of a deal in my opinion.


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## MushroomGeek (Apr 14, 2012)

BarryLyndon said:


> Leave the animals alone


HELL YEH! they have done nothing to you!!


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

This is fascinating. I can't wait to see how it turns out.


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## falling down (Oct 17, 2011)

arnie said:


> This is fascinating. I can't wait to see how it turns out.


Stay tuned to the news.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Christina123 said:


> Just sounds like severe depression to me. I've wanted to punch people before and felt everyone was dumb when it was a matter of my own suffering.


Everyone feels like punching dudes in the nose occasionally. Quite often they deserve it.

However, I never felt the need to set anyoone on fire and taste their flesh. :sus


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

CoolSauce said:


> oh and people getting aggressive towards someone who abused an animal usually make my blood boil too..
> 
> I bet you guys aren't even vegetarians or anything right? How the fk can you judge people for hurting an animal then? Hypocrites


Violence towards animals is a classic precursor to becoming a serial killer. And yes, of course your right. People feel nothing about buying prepackaged meat in the store but will get all teary eyed if someone snaps a chickens neck in front of them. It's called empathy.

I'd rather be a hypocrite than a serial killer.


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## BobbyByThePound (Apr 4, 2012)

My enemies must be deleted. I don't want to eat their flesh, though. But as long as you don't act on the those thoughts, you ain't no serial killer. Your actions, not your thoughts, are what counts.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

I guess I've had similar thoughts... aside from the cannibalism stuff of course. If you recognize it's abnormal and you're questioning it, chances are it's nothing more than a fantasy.

at least i hope that's the case anyways.


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## Cat5 (Dec 12, 2010)

I know that if it wasn't for Christianity I would have been a mess of a human being. I know for sure I would be dead by now. I'm not sure what I would have been capable of had I lived my life without the restraint that a healthy fear of God brings.

Anyway, you do need to do something now to prevent yourself from doing something bad OP. You don't just risk jail time, you also risk standing in front of an angry God at the end of your life and eternal damnation.


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## GD8 (May 7, 2011)

BobbyByThePound said:


> My enemies must be deleted. I don't want to eat their flesh, though. But as long as you don't act on the those thoughts, you ain't no serial killer. Your actions, not your thoughts, are what counts.


I haven't read the OP's post because I know it's just gonna piss me off a lot but like I said in the other thread, every serial killer starts by just thinking about it. the fact that he/she hasn't acted on his/her thoughts *yet *doesn't mean anything.


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## F1X3R (Jul 20, 2009)

nothingman said:


> What does it mean to write methodically?
> 
> I've never heard of any Sade or the villains of this Sade. Could you tell me something about this villains of Sade?
> 
> ...


On not regretting, or hoping never to do something again, maybe that's just what you tell yourself.

Never mind that, my main question is do you have an identity issue? Is that why you're interested in the minds of the criminal (guilty), the minds of the mentally ill (weak), and your own mind (?). You are called nothingman after all.

Also, you mentioned your dad left you at a young age. Have you talked to your therapists much about that?


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

I


arnie said:


> This is fascinating. I can't wait to see how it turns out.


Honestly, I can't wait to see how it turns out either. I don't have any idea myself.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

falling down said:


> Stay tuned to the news.


It might take a while before you see anything on the news if you live in the USA or somewhere out of Europe if something would happen. I can't imagine that one murder in The Netherlands would be so interesting for the American press. Except if it's a very creative one ofcourse.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Cat5 said:


> I know that if it wasn't for Christianity I would have been a mess of a human being. I know for sure I would be dead by now. I'm not sure what I would have been capable of had I lived my life without the restraint that a healthy fear of God brings.
> 
> Anyway, you do need to do something now to prevent yourself from doing something bad OP. You don't just risk jail time, you also risk standing in front of an angry God at the end of your life and eternal damnation.


I don't believe in God so for me that's not something I will even consider a risk. Or at least I don't believe in the Christian god. I do think that there is some possibility for a higher power to exist, but that it will take a long time to find any evidence about it if there ever will be any evidence. Even if there was a God I don't think that he should decide who goes to hell and who doesn't.

For example, a policeman is chasing someone who is suspected of murder. The suspect runs away and the only way for the police to catch him is to take a shot at him, and even after threatening to do so he continues to flee. He takes the shot with the intention of not killing him, but it accidentally does. The suspect was actually guilty, but there was no way to know for sure ( except if you are God ). Does the policeman go to hell for killing someone? Or not, because it was an accident? Or does he, because he had no proof that the suspect was guilty? Or not, because he killed a murderer?

Just saying there are a lot of grey areas for this God if he were to exist. But I'm getting a little off topic here.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

F1X3R said:


> On not regretting, or hoping never to do something again, maybe that's just what you tell yourself.
> 
> Never mind that, my main question is do you have an identity issue? Is that why you're interested in the minds of the criminal (guilty), the minds of the mentally ill (weak), and your own mind (?). You are called nothingman after all.
> 
> Also, you mentioned your dad left you at a young age. Have you talked to your therapists much about that?


It could be that it is just something that I tell myself yes. During a party at my friend's house, I did the same thing to her cat as to my dog. I only stopped because I knew it was too suspicious. She would immediately know who did it. She was also angry at me for breaking a chair in the garden with an axe ( needed to relieve myself of some agression I guess ) and setting a decoration in the bathroom on fire. ( don't ask me the reason for that 'cause I don't know )

Apparently I also threw a drink in someone's face two times and threw a big sized rock at someone's back ( don't remember any of that, was stoned and drunk at the same time so my memory is not optimal to say at least ) I don't regret any of these actions as far as my conscious mind is telling me. Maybe unconciously I do regret it.

But you know, the cat's fine, I only regret I didn't find a better non-suspicious way. Breaking a chair makes for a lot less trouble than breaking a person. Someone said that the house could have burned down but it didn't, so I don't regret setting fire either. And I can't regret something that I don't remember. But maybe you are right. Do you think that if you are, I would feel guilty when dreaming about it? Because then, it's your subconscious at work, right?

I'm not sure about the identity issues. I often ask myself who I am and what I want to become. I often ask myself, have I changed or am I still the person I always was? Am I good or bad? Am I a boy in a girl's body or just a little less feminine? One thing I know for sure I'm very confused about is my political preference. I go from being a fanatic follower of a party that is very liberal and extremely intolerant of muslims, foreigners and other vulnerable minorities to having a very socialistic view and back. I went from being against drugs and alcohol to using and drinking in one day. I went from believing in a God for a while to an atheïst and then an agnostic. I went from disapproving the death penalty to approving and back. I think that those are some imporant issues that have changed for no obvious reason quite fast.

One thing I also noticed I tend to do is copy characters on TV or in books. The reason for me being interested in the minds of the criminal could be because I would rather have a negative identity than none at all, I don't know. And do you actually think that being mentally ill means being weak or have I misunderstood? Because I would have to disagree on that. I choose the name nothingman because the song Nothingman from Pearl Jam is one of my favourites, and because I often feel like a failure, or like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I would be no-one without this one particular girl because I had the tendency to copy her views. Honestly sometimes I don't know whether or not to act on the particular views of the moment because I think they might change all of a sudden to the opposite of that.

And yes I have talked to my therapist about my father.


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## metamorphosis (Dec 18, 2008)

nothingman said:


> But are you saying I'm a psychopath?


You show signs of extreme sociopath personality disorder. It was the same diagnosis Eric Harris had. He was also extremely narcissistic. I am only using him as an example that everyone knows about. A psychopath doesn't realize right from wrong. A sociopath does but doesn't care.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

metamorphosis said:


> You show signs of extreme sociopath personality disorder. It was the same diagnosis Eric Harris had. He was also extremely narcissistic. I am only using him as an example that everyone knows about. A psychopath doesn't realize right from wrong. A sociopath does but doesn't care.


I never knew there was a difference between those two.


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## metamorphosis (Dec 18, 2008)

A psychopath has usually lost complete touch with reality in that he/she does not know what is considered morally right or wrong

a sociopath knows what they are doing but do not care. Thats why sociopaths tend to be narcissistic and fantasize about being famous or living in infamy if they were to kill. Columbine,. the Virginia Tech murders are classic examples of very, very extreme sociopathic, narcissistic and pure hate, that grew over time towards people . You show warning signs. Stronger and stronger fascination about killing. Controlling people and living on forever in peoples minds due to an extreme masochistic, killing of people. Knowing it's wrong but not feeling remorse. And the abuse and fascination of dead animals from a young age.

Let me ask, are you addicted to any drugs/alcohol and has it escalated?


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## kennyc (Nov 15, 2011)

You don't know what you're talking about you naive little girl. What violence have you experienced that makes you so relaxed talking like this? Stop entertaining this child, she is just attention seeking.


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## Dannie (Feb 21, 2012)

Honestly, what it sounds like to me is that, and I could be wrong, you've psyched yourself up about it. Perhaps you have obsessed over the thought so long and asked yourself the question you've driven yourself mad?


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## loophole (Apr 15, 2012)

If your still taking prozac I would talk to the dr. immediately... I dont have time to read the whole thread.. I was put on prozac and it had the complete opposite effect on me.. turns out thats very common in people who are bipolar.. well i didn't have feelings of eating people... i totally gave 2 poops about anyone and everyone... it was terrible and scared the living day lights out of me... I eventually got a hold of the dr after deciding I could not live like this any longer.. and was immediately taken off of it..


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## metamorphosis (Dec 18, 2008)

kennyc said:


> You don't know what you're talking about you naive little girl. What violence have you experienced that makes you so relaxed talking like this? Stop entertaining this child, she is just attention seeking.


I am leaning towards an overreaction on her part but at the same time, I think it necessary to distinguish the differences in serious psychological conditions. If not for the folly of her's but for the needed information about basic serious psych. illnesses for others. To be honest with you, when I first came across this thread-

A) I was surprised no one was calling her out on certain nuances, actually huge differences between the disorders. She was rambling on about being possibly psychotic. Any person with psychosis would not even care about **** like that. It seemed like that was the definition she wanted to cling to. Being psychotic carries a lot of weight in psychiatric illness. Like ending up being instituted for long periods of time.

B) I was surprised people were posting and it had reached into 12 pages of text. I stopped reading after she knew no distinction on the huge differences in psychopaths and sociopaths. I felt like someone should at least take the time to correct her and to see how she responded to that.

C) She might fit certain criteria for another disorder even if alot of her true beliefs are in fact bunk rambling.

D) It probably wouldn't hurt her to get some psychotherapy. Attention on this scale, if false, shows a need for attention with a large audience and possibly low self-esteem at the least.

Those are my thought and beliefs on the matter. But yeah, rereading the original OP's thread shows not only inconsistencies with how either of these types of people would write about their feelings but even more telling is how she seems to play the crowd as the posts go on. A position of naietivity is not one that a sociopath takes, nor one that a psychopath would even be posting period!!!!


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## Mirror (Mar 16, 2012)

I actually posted a thread on the same topic recently. Not quite to the extent you have, but still. For me it's more of me thinking I'm going to go on a killing spree when I'm older and shoot a large number of people, mostly men. I'm not exactly sure why, probably for fame and to capture the minds of everyone, whether the reason be great or terrible. 

Although, a little while ago I spent hours just looking up cannibalists and seeing what they did. Especially Jeffrey Dahmer. It's fascinating for sure. So fascinating that I imagined myself doing that. I've also wondered what human flesh tastes like. I don't know though, it really bothered me that I thought all that stuff. 

I guess my only potentially decent advice is if you ever seriously think you're about to do something, to think of the person you care about the most, and make some sort of small connection to them. And if you can, just think about how it would affect them after all was said and done. If not resisting for yourself, then resist for someone else. However, if you're beyond that point, all I can do is wish you the best. 

Hell, I wish you the best either way. You can do it!


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## metamorphosis (Dec 18, 2008)

You want to learn about the most disturbing from the experts from both sides.
Here you go:

http://www.criminalprofiling.com/Psychiatric-Testimony-of-Jeffrey-Dahmer_s115.html


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

kennyc said:


> You don't know what you're talking about you naive little girl. What violence have you experienced that makes you so relaxed talking like this? Stop entertaining this child, she is just attention seeking.


What do you mean, I don't know what I'm talking about? I never said that I actually believe that I háve one of the many mentioned disorders in this thread, I was just worried about it and asking whether or not it was possible and what other people think. I only talk about events that have happened in my life, thoughts, fears, fantasies, feelings and actions that I have. How could I not know what I'm talking about if everything I talk about are just things that I personally experienced? Where have I said that I know for sure that I am like a killer? I have made no conclusions because I don't pretend to have the answers, because I don't. If I did tell you that I am like Bundy or Dahmer or Gein or whoever, you would be right when you say that I do not know what I'm talking about because I have not ever met someone like them.

Also, what makes you think a person has to have experienced violence in their life to be able to talk about this in a relaxed way? I would think that experiencing some sort of violence would only make me more nervous on the subject, therefore I would not be talking relaxed about these things at all if I would have witnessed some ( potentially ) lethal violence.

And despite of what you think, this post was not made with the purpose of seeking attention. It was made with the purpose of sharing my thoughts with people who might be able to answer some of my questions or help me. If I wanted attention I would have run naked through school covered in red paint screaming that someone was after me. I don't see myself doing something like that. Lastly, I personally believe that one can never know another man's motives for sure. Even if you would have a supernatural mind reading power, there could still be a subconscious motive that the person itself is not aware of. So, how can you say something like that?


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

metamorphosis said:


> A psychopath has usually lost complete touch with reality in that he/she does not know what is considered morally right or wrong
> 
> a sociopath knows what they are doing but do not care. Thats why sociopaths tend to be narcissistic and fantasize about being famous or living in infamy if they were to kill. Columbine,. the Virginia Tech murders are classic examples of very, very extreme sociopathic, narcissistic and pure hate, that grew over time towards people . You show warning signs. Stronger and stronger fascination about killing. Controlling people and living on forever in peoples minds due to an extreme masochistic, killing of people. Knowing it's wrong but not feeling remorse. And the abuse and fascination of dead animals from a young age.
> 
> Let me ask, are you addicted to any drugs/alcohol and has it escalated?


I'm not addicted to any drugs or alcohol but I do regularly use ( or abuse ) both of them. Compared to one year ago, my drug use has decreased a little. Back then I used to smoke pot almost every day.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Dannie said:


> Honestly, what it sounds like to me is that, and I could be wrong, you've psyched yourself up about it. Perhaps you have obsessed over the thought so long and asked yourself the question you've driven yourself mad?


At this point that seems to me the most likely thing that's happened yes.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

loophole said:


> If your still taking prozac I would talk to the dr. immediately... I dont have time to read the whole thread.. I was put on prozac and it had the complete opposite effect on me.. turns out thats very common in people who are bipolar.. well i didn't have feelings of eating people... i totally gave 2 poops about anyone and everyone... it was terrible and scared the living day lights out of me... I eventually got a hold of the dr after deciding I could not live like this any longer.. and was immediately taken off of it..


They decreased dosage to 20mgs. I was fine before they put me on 30 so.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

metamorphosis said:


> I am leaning towards an overreaction on her part but at the same time, I think it necessary to distinguish the differences in serious psychological conditions. If not for the folly of her's but for the needed information about basic serious psych. illnesses for others. To be honest with you, when I first came across this thread-
> 
> A) I was surprised no one was calling her out on certain nuances, actually huge differences between the disorders. She was rambling on about being possibly psychotic. Any person with psychosis would not even care about **** like that. It seemed like that was the definition she wanted to cling to. Being psychotic carries a lot of weight in psychiatric illness. Like ending up being instituted for long periods of time.
> 
> ...


I think that a lot of people didn't knew there was a difference, like I did. I appreciate that you have taken the effort and time to correct that. I want to be clear that I never self-diagnosed, that's why I'm asking you guys here what you think of it. And if you say there are inconsistencies I believe you. But what do you mean with playing the crowd?


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## kennyc (Nov 15, 2011)

nothingman said:


> What do you mean, I don't know what I'm talking about? I never said that I actually believe that I háve one of the many mentioned disorders in this thread, I was just worried about it and asking whether or not it was possible and what other people think. I only talk about events that have happened in my life, thoughts, fears, fantasies, feelings and actions that I have. How could I not know what I'm talking about if everything I talk about are just things that I personally experienced? Where have I said that I know for sure that I am like a killer? I have made no conclusions because I don't pretend to have the answers, because I don't. If I did tell you that I am like Bundy or Dahmer or Gein or whoever, you would be right when you say that I do not know what I'm talking about because I have not ever met someone like them.
> 
> Also, what makes you think a person has to have experienced violence in their life to be able to talk about this in a relaxed way? I would think that experiencing some sort of violence would only make me more nervous on the subject, therefore I would not be talking relaxed about these things at all if I would have witnessed some ( potentially ) lethal violence.
> 
> And despite of what you think, this post was not made with the purpose of seeking attention. It was made with the purpose of sharing my thoughts with people who might be able to answer some of my questions or help me. If I wanted attention I would have run naked through school covered in red paint screaming that someone was after me. I don't see myself doing something like that. Lastly, I personally believe that one can never know another man's motives for sure. Even if you would have a supernatural mind reading power, there could still be a subconscious motive that the person itself is not aware of. So, how can you say something like that?


I know why you have these thoughts and feelings. It's because you're anxious and your mind thinks you'r in danger. When it can't find any immediate danger in you're environment it goes looking for potential danger and so you're imagination goes wild. Do you understand that?

You're not a sociopath like the people you're "fascinated" with. If you were in a room with Ted Bundy or any other freak I doubt you would care about you're "fascination" with them then.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

kennyc said:


> I know why you have these thoughts and feelings. It's because you're anxious and your mind thinks you'r in danger. When it can't find any immediate danger in you're environment it goes looking for potential danger and so you're imagination goes wild. Do you understand that?
> 
> You're not a sociopath like the people you're "fascinated" with. If you were in a room with Ted Bundy or any other freak I doubt you would care about you're "fascination" with them then.


I understand what you mean. And honestly I don't know what I would do if I were in a room with someone like him. You can only know for sure when it actually happens, which does not seem likely obviously. I think I would at least talk with those you call freaks and ask a lot of questions. I'm not saying I wouldn't be scared at all, but I wouldn't run away, with the exception of the situation when there is a large possibility that I would be tortured for a long time.


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## kennyc (Nov 15, 2011)

nothingman said:


> I understand what you mean. And honestly I don't know what I would do if I were in a room with someone like him. You can only know for sure when it actually happens, which does not seem likely obviously. I think I would at least talk with those you call freaks and ask a lot of questions. I'm not saying I wouldn't be scared at all, but I wouldn't run away, with the exception of the situation when there is a large possibility that I would be tortured for a long time.


Good, I'm glad you understand it's just you're anxiety which you have no reason to be afraid of. Find something else to put you're imagination into like drawing or photography.


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## NotAnExit (Apr 9, 2012)

> I think that under the right circumstances, everyone is capable of murder. Everyone. But that's just my opinion. Feel free to debate this. Truth be told, you can never know for sure unless you try. And I wonder: if I tried, could I? You say that the determining factor is that it's against the law, not that it's immoral. Have you never broken a law before then? Or are you just scared of being locked up in prison or getting the death penalty? ( I don't know where you live, but in my country that's forbidden ) What you say about feeling powerless in your life definetely applies to me. And I just love the description "self loathing narcissist". I have to remember that one.


Hey you used the phrase, neat hah 
But yeah, well I am in the US, so we all know the rules about murder. I know its illegal to kill someone here, not only that, its immoral. Immoral in that "thou shall not kill" commandment sence. So basically I just meant that If I could kill someone and not have to worry about the legality, I might have to think on it a bit. It would depend on the circumstances and if I think I would get some sort of gratification out of it, be it revenge, or hell ..convenience. I dont think I would be plagued with internal conflict and guilt after the fact. and I think if I felt I had a damn good reason I probably wouldnt feel differently after the fact.

BUT I just want to put it out there that I am not planning on killing anyone so chill.

Anyways it's clear that this is a pretty controversal topic, and judging how many pages this post has, there is still much to be debated. You have every right to voice your opnion and just get it out there some of the thoughts you've been going over. (Im glad you did ) I do think it's sorta bull that some of your posts are being written off as attention seeking though. It dosent seem like you're doing that all all. Hell it's a forum, if you cant post any of your most "out there" thoughts here where can you? lol.

Thats an interesting scenario though..being in a room with a serial killer, I know that Im a bit fascinated by them as well, but the idea of being in a room with one would cause me to be more um...aware...of my surroundings. If I knew there was a chance of having a decent convorsation with the person, that would be pretty neat. I would just be on the look out for anything in the room that could be used as a weapon and make sure it's closer to_ me._

It would be something to hear from other prozac users and get their opinion on any of this, because you say you're on it. Im actually on 40mg myself right now. Ive heard some people complain about the "flatline affect" and feeling almost numb.That could explain why something like murder dosent seem to rouse any strong feeling of outrage or disgust. Or it could be something else entirely...


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## F1X3R (Jul 20, 2009)

nothingman said:


> I'm not sure about the identity issues.* I often ask myself who I am and what I want to become.* *I often ask myself, have I changed or am I still the person I always was? **Am I good or bad?* Am I a boy in a girl's body or just a little less feminine? One thing I know for sure I'm very confused about is my political preference. I go from being a fanatic follower of a party that is very liberal and extremely intolerant of muslims, foreigners and other vulnerable minorities to having a very socialistic view and back. I went from being against drugs and alcohol to using and drinking in one day. I went from believing in a God for a while to an atheïst and then an agnostic. I went from disapproving the death penalty to approving and back. I think that those are some imporant issues that have changed for no obvious reason quite fast.
> 
> One thing I also noticed I tend to do is copy characters on TV or in books. The reason for me being interested in the minds of the criminal could be because I would rather have a negative identity than none at all, I don't know. And do you actually think that being mentally ill means being weak or have I misunderstood? Because I would have to disagree on that. I choose the name nothingman because the song Nothingman from Pearl Jam is one of my favourites, and because I often feel like a failure, or like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I would be no-one without this one particular girl because I had the tendency to copy her views. Honestly sometimes I don't know whether or not to act on the particular views of the moment because I think they might change all of a sudden to the opposite of that.


I think the bolded part is what your serial killer concern _might_ be boil down to. I obviously could be wrong here.

I relate to "copying" fictional characters and changing my mind on things like political views. I think there's a lot of empathy involved in that.

No I don't mean that mental illness is a weakness, but it's often perceived by others as a weakness and held as an insecurity by those with an illness.

I really doubt you are going to turn into a serial killer. I mean, you offered a warning to your thread, if you don't care about hurting people why put that in?


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## Taboo710 (Feb 15, 2009)

Sounds to me like you might have purely obsessional OCD. Go to an OCD forum and you might get more support as it seems like people aren't being very supportive on here. But don't take my word or any of the other people telling you you are this or that because only a shrink can tell you for sure (and I don't trust them 100% of the time anyway).


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## olschool (Sep 3, 2011)

Wat scares me sometimes in my thoughts,,,, if I killed someone I wud feel nothing at all.. I played it in my head 1000 times and each time I feel nothing no matter the situation. I'd go home and sleep like a baby . So , I feel ya bro


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## beshino (Feb 19, 2011)

You know, I didn't really know where you got the idea from at first. I'm starting to understand that the reason why you find it a pleasurable emotion doing the things you do is to obtain the idea of significance. It IS needed in a human being, and it seems that you haven't really had an emotional balance to fill in a feeling of worth.

It's explained in your posts.. About the girl you're with and how she doesn't reciprocate your emotions. Somewhere I know that there really isn't anything you could do about her.. It's nice that you came to share that with us and find self worth. You took a big step forward I see, but in the wrong direction. It makes sense. I think you know that it isn't going to help you, and you really haven't had an emotional rock to help you out and keep you grounded in your life. It's.. regrettable, but not outwardly impossible to find something substantial that can help you.

I think you know that if your feelings aren't being reciprocated in your life, then you should choose to fill in that void with something more productive. You see what you're doing with your gf, and it's really not her fault. It's not yours either. I think you know she isn't going to return your love as readily as you give it, and it's somewhat of a conflicting emotion to keep on thinking of a person who doesn't really view you that way emotionally. You can't help it.

You need somebody to talk too. Professionally, online.. You can find people who can reciprocate a response you need to put you in the right direction. Meet more people, and try to make some new bonds. What you have isn't all that's out there. You see those obsessions are really just a band-aid. If you need to feel worth, then you should search for it. There's more people out there. 

=(-_-)= Oh shoot.. Op is probably not here. 

But anyway.. You seem really smart and considerate. I hope you the best.

Wait a minute.. I hate the word smart.. what I actually mean is that you seem like an awesome person. ya. der ya go.

Oh yeah, one more thing. There are a LOT of different type of jobs out there. If you're anything like me, then it seems that you're having trouble finding out what you want to do. Just think for a minute. Everybody can't be super intelligent doctors and soforth. What have you liked doing before in school? What did you enjoy doing? Do you want to talk to people? Do you want to build stuff? Are you an artist? All sorts of jobs out there. Hopefully you can pick one you enjoy. ALOT of people change their mind with that shiz. Just do what you enjoy. ^_^


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

I got my name from a fictional character who's is a serial killer. I added the X to the name because it makes it look more mysterious. The name of the book is Next Victim by Michael Prescott, good book that was. I like Dexter. He kills the ones who deserve it. I wish I was like him.


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## F1X3R (Jul 20, 2009)

MobiusX said:


> I got my name from a fictional character who's is a serial killer. I added the X to the name because it makes it look more mysterious. The name of the book is Next Victim by Michael Prescott, good book that was. *I like Dexter. **He kills the ones who deserve it. I wish I was like him.*


Oh, you kill the ones who don't deserve it? That's no good.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

MobiusX said:


> I like Dexter. He kills the ones who deserve it. I wish I was like him.


o rly? :sus


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## F1X3R (Jul 20, 2009)

arnie said:


> o rly? :sus


Well, Dexter kills the other serial killers.


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

beshino said:


> You know, I didn't really know where you got the idea from at first. I'm starting to understand that the reason why you find it a pleasurable emotion doing the things you do is to obtain *the idea of significance*. It IS needed in a human being, and it seems that you haven't really had an emotional balance to fill in a feeling of worth.
> 
> It's explained in your posts.. About the girl you're with and how she doesn't reciprocate your emotions. Somewhere I know that there really isn't anything you could do about her.. It's nice that you came to share that with us and find self worth. You took a big step forward I see, but in the wrong direction. It makes sense. I think you know that it isn't going to help you, and you really haven't had an emotional rock to help you out and keep you grounded in your life. It's.. regrettable, but not outwardly impossible to find something substantial that can help you.
> 
> ...


I think you're right and this idea of signifigance and worth and being noticed has a lot to do with it. But before I say anything else I want to start with apologizing for being absent on this site for so long and thanking you all for caring.

I'm very happy to tell you that this stupid obsession hasn't been on my mind for several months. I guess it was a temporarily thing and I'm glad for that. I've been feeling quite alright for the last few months, with the exception of some alcohol abuse the last weeks but whatever, at least I've stopped cutting and I'm absolutely sure that I never want to hurt myself again like that.

Also, I've completely abandoned the idea of suicide, I'm not even considering it anymore, I've realised that I want to stick around, just because of all the experiences I will be missing. Actually it has been a long time since I have felt this good and I have no idea where it's coming from, but you know what, that doesn't matter


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## daniz023 (May 29, 2012)

BarryLyndon said:


> Leave the animals alone


And Britney.


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## MachineSupremacist (Jun 9, 2012)

nothingman said:


> Seriously, what if you're crazy, like the Jeffrey Dahmer type crazy, the serial killer type of crazy, the cannibal type of crazy? What are the chances? What would you do?
> 
> The thing is, I'm starting to scare myself. My thoughts, fantasies, questions, actions. I really need to know: is this normal, or am I seriously messed up and should I seek help immediately? I'll give some examples below.
> 
> ...


You're welcome.


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## Luctor (Aug 10, 2012)

I think by default psychopaths aren't socially anxious. How can a someone that has no regard for human life be concerned with how people perceive them.

I think you're looking for attention.


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## timtron (Jul 28, 2012)

Nothingman its been a while since you first posted this whats going through your head now? I ahvent bothered to read the 13 pages of replies.

You don't sound like a serial killer, you sound like youre becoming psychotic. I'm a Nurse and seen similar cases in the mental health ward. One patient I remember saying "I just wanted to see what it was like to cut off my big toe and chew it! Its a once in a lifetime experience" - he was earlier caught by police walking through Sydney chewing his actual toe - after killing someone as well. There are other bizarre homicides with deluded thoughts like these as well. 

These thoughts are usually from elevated dopamine or serotonin levels. I noticed you wrote youre on prozac - which elevates serotonin. Sounds like a side effect and that youre on the wrong drug. You might want to let your doctor know what your thinking.


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## Bec de Corbin (Jul 31, 2012)

Why did you attempt to hang a dog? Was it an accident or an experiment and how old were you? This part is the most interesting and may mean something.
I mean... if you were old enough to understand that a dog may die in significant discomfort.

As for bringing in an examining dead stuff it isn't a sign of evil... assuming you didn't go out there with a frying pan and headjob cats and mice.


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## DeniseAfterAll (Jul 28, 2012)

> Oh, and I almost hang my dog once and she nearly choked to death.


Holy ****, so you actually did *act it out* already? Dog or not, you've caused suffering. You need help, girl. Please don't do that again


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## darkandempty (Aug 9, 2012)

as i read the first post i was thinking to myself holy sh*t theres another one like me. my mind is sick and twisted and my whole existence is a web of lies to shield the world, and the people i care about, from knowing i am a heartless monster who would rather kill a person and eat their heart than listen to them prattle on about some pointless conversation. the psychosis comes and goes and im only dangerous once in a while, but the dark thoughts are there all the time.

you arent a psychopath or you wouldnt care that you had these thoughts. 

my best advice to you is DONT TELL ANYONE about it unless you are afraid you might actually act on them. if there is no real danger, theres no sense in starting something that will get blown out of porportion. and it will.


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## D3T0X (May 8, 2012)

go in a mental facility immediately, your a treat for society, people like you shouldn't walk around, often times these people aren't on the internet, in forums, but we have a chance here, maybe we can prevent you from killing innocent people, get help fast


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## Mustafa (Aug 15, 2012)

well, i don't agree

*MM75 edit*


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

*You said, "I've been feeling quite alright for the last few months, with the exception of some alcohol abuse the last weeks but whatever, at least I've stopped cutting and I'm absolutely sure that I never want to hurt myself again like that.

Also, I've completely abandoned the idea of suicide, I'm not even considering it anymore, I've realised that I want to stick around, just because of all the experiences I will be missing. Actually it has been a long time since I have felt this good and I have no idea where it's coming from, but you know what, that doesn't matter."*

I've kinda been around the block and back and I'll tell you a few things. One is that the above behaviors don't solve your problem.

It just sounds like you're running as fast as you can away from your feelings. The problem is no matter where you go, there you are. The same person, same problems, same feelings. Only after an escape move you have a hangover, killed somebody on the road during a psychotic episode, cuts and scars or in jail. And let me tell you about scars. I'm 54 years old and they so don't look pretty when you're my age and your grandkid asks you what they are. And as you get older, they get more pronounced and white so even the person who is taking blood at a blood bank knows that you were a cutter.

So rather than you scar yourself for life or kill yourself or somebody else, maybe think about feeling whatever it is you're running from.

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you need a professional who can help you dip your toes into the feelings very slowly and safely.

For decades I ran from feelings because I thought they would kill me. Just the one or two seconds I allowed myself to feel was so overwhelming I couldn't breathe. But I've since learned that feelings won't kill you, whereas trying not to feel will, i.e. wrapping yourself around a telephone pole in a drunken stupor.

I still struggle with dipping my toes into feelings. I sometimes run away. But I don't cut or drink or think of suicide anymore. The feelings I have taken on are just that..........feelings.

One more thing and I promise I will stop nagging you.  The reason feelings from something in our past appear to be so intense is because you are seeing them through a younger self. Some of my traumas took place when I was 5 years old. Think of how a 5 year old would feel in a house fire as opposed to a 20 year old. A 20 year old would be afraid, but would understand to get out and would eventually see that they were safe. A 5 year old has absolutely no control over his/her safety, so the feeling is powerlessness, terror and no way out. Feelings from the past appear to be strong because they are from the point of view (usually) of when you felt powerless and terrorized with no way out. That's why they seem to be able to kill you. But they are just feelings and as an adult, we are able to deal with them better. We just don't think we can.

Sorry for the long explanation. I'm both a trauma survivor and a Licensed Professional Counselor (now a librarian tho


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## awaken7 (Aug 19, 2012)

Actually, most serial killers understand that society considers what they do 'wrong' but they don't care. A lot of them feel as though they've been delt a bad hand in life and so they have the right to get back at people. 
I think to be curious about anatomy, violence, and flesh is considered somewhat odd but definitely not sociopathic in and of itself. But, thinking/fantasizing about who/how you would kill is a common trait to all serial killers. Usually, right before serial killers being to kill there is a tragic event that occurs in their life which sort of pushes them over the edge. 
I am not a psychologist, but I am studying to be one. I would strongly suggest you seek professional help from a psychologist (not a psychiatrist or a primary care physician) asap.


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## T-Bone (Oct 1, 2010)

Nothingman, you sound alright you know that? We should hang out sometime.


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## caughtinthematrix (Jan 11, 2008)

chantellabella said:


> *You said, "I've been feeling quite alright for the last few months, with the exception of some alcohol abuse the last weeks but whatever, at least I've stopped cutting and I'm absolutely sure that I never want to hurt myself again like that.
> 
> Also, I've completely abandoned the idea of suicide, I'm not even considering it anymore, I've realised that I want to stick around, just because of all the experiences I will be missing. Actually it has been a long time since I have felt this good and I have no idea where it's coming from, but you know what, that doesn't matter."*
> 
> ...


great advice


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## partus (Aug 20, 2012)

it seems that some people don't really care if they might end up in prison


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## Slimeball (Feb 8, 2012)

Why don't you get some practice by flying to the U.S.A and offing me first? I don't care if you eat me or not.


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

A lot of people with SA meet the personality of that of a mass murderer than a serial killer. Serial killers usually blend in with the crowd and people who knew them are shocked to find out what they did. This is not true for mass murderers. I'm violent but wouldn't do anything since 1. I know the consequences and especially 2. I don't want to. I don't want to kill another person. I still have violent thoughts sometimes. I call people names for whatever reason I can find and insult them and sometimes even torture them and I smile about it. I know this might not be normal but it's more like a game for me than something realistic. 

I sometimes like to cheer for the bad guy in movies and books. But if they crossed the line and did something I really disgust and hate then I want them to pay for it. This would include killing animals and innocent old people. I can't stand that. Maybe my violent thoughts are part of my abuse. Most likely.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Slimeball said:


> Why don't you get some practice by flying to the U.S.A and offing me first? I don't care if you eat me or not.


Um...what the hell? :afr

I think you need to seek therapy, at the very least. Your thoughts aren't normal, and you need help.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

lol I remember this thread


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## kaykay609 (May 30, 2011)

Hello dear people,

I've returned from being absent for a long time from this thread, and there are a few things I'd like to say.

For starters I want to say that if I could delete this thread I would, since it no longer has a purpose. I started it because I was confused and scared and in search of answers that I found thanks to some of you. Understanding the proces behind your thoughts is vital, even moreso when you're not content with them.

Anyway, I consider this a closed thread. Ofcourse practically it isn't and you can still reply and naturally I wouldn't mind that, it's just that the "problem" I was having ( of what nature that problem was you can decide for yourself, so have I, and through it I have solved it ) is now gone. 

I thought it would be right to let you guys know how it's revolved. So for those who care, I have realized how this whole thing was the result of anxious thoughts about being insignifficant, ignored, not being seen or valued, which lead to a burning desire of achieving that which I thought I was lacking, a desire that couldn't be fulfilled because the wrong that people had done to me was all in my head. This turned me into an angry, bitter and paranoid misanthropist searching for the ultimate recognition. A potential "solution" was found and that formed the base of an obsession.

The insight to that came a long time ago but for some other reasons I have returned to this forum and I felt like this thread was something unresolved so here I am dealing with that since getting rid of all you witnesses would cost me too much ammuntion 

You all have a good day


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## ACCV93 (Sep 6, 2012)

I'm very glad you dealt with the issues you had been going through.  I read the first post OP, and I'll admit it was quite disturbing. And what it made it all the more disturbing is how similar you sound to a lot of people on here (The part where you said you hate yourself but think you're better than other people) I hope you have found some peace of mind though


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)




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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

nothingman said:


> Hello dear people,
> 
> I've returned from being absent for a long time from this thread, and there are a few things I'd like to say.
> 
> ...


Cheers


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## ivva (Jan 20, 2013)

I think you should look for help (Maybe the therapist is going to freak out but..trying is not bad at all) and try to drive your impulses into some kind of artistic activity so you can have better control of them ( play an instrument,etc.)

At least you are concious that those thoughts are kinda creepy so.. 
maybe you can try eating different animals to see difference on their meat (try eating rabbit or something) instead of thinking about eating human flesh..that's creepy 
I hope the best for you, don't turn into a killer and It's gonna be alright (?)


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## zygomatic (Feb 28, 2013)

Sounds like you tend to have sociopathic tendencies. Be careful what you wish for. If these thoughts become a dominating presence, seek help at a hospital that can aid you in getting relief from these suffocating thoughts. Even if you don't act on them, having them will drive you truly insane.


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

people who have SA bad enough and show it in their behaviors would more likely turn out to be mass murderers, serial killers are better blending in with the crowd, mass murderers are more dangerous if you ask me since something inside them explodes and leads them to killing as many people as they can without worrying about getting caught since many kill themselves after, this is opposite of the serial killer, either one can kill more than the other, I wonder how many killings the average serial killer and mass murderer have to compare them


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## thephantommenace (Aug 4, 2012)

you can kill me


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## ManuelVinn (Jun 14, 2012)

This is messed up


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

You seem to be glamourizing killers. But they are a dime a dozen and no one really cares about them once their 15 minutes are up. Nowadays, it's getting so common you may not even get the 15 minutes of pleasure for the penalty of death or a lifetime of jail. Do you actually like anyone?


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## trap beat (Mar 5, 2013)

Not to be on a negative side but you really seem like you just want attention. That you get satisfaction out of being labled a psychopath. It really comes off like you are just making yourself believe theese things and want to immediatly jump to hey yeah im crazy im gunna be dexter. Idk bout this post. Either troll as hell or just confused child wanting attention.yeah first post and sorry for spelling.


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