# Relationship issue



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

hello, I was looking for some advice on this one issue and it relates to a social anxiety problem...

ok so I've been with this girl for a few months now, but a problem has arose on the issue of piercings, she wants me to get one on my face (either lip or tongue) and I am opposed to this
she says if I loved her (which I do) i'd get it as it is important to her and sees it as like a symbol of our relationship

however I have a great fear about getting one, I think i'd be very uncomfortable with how i look and i just...don't want one, I have told her this but she got mad and said she can't date me unless I do this at christmas time 

she lives in another country to me at the moment so she wants it done when I'm there....

I said on a whim that I'd do it as I can't handle life without her, but I've just been getting better with SA thanks to the confidence this relationship gave me and I know it'll get worse if I do this...
i just wish she didn't have to base everything on it?

I basically have two options, either I get it and feel terrible with myself and about my apperance until maybe we end up living in the same place at least, or I don't get it, we break up, and i lose not only the person I love but my greatest friend....I've confided in her in ways i have no one else

so yeah I know this is a weird issue but i just feel stuck and it's stressing me out

any advice?


----------



## Touche Turtle (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi Nixon firstly seeing as you said shes in another country have you met eachother IRL (In Real Life) yet? I went with a friend of mine to get his tongue pierced recently I was surprised at how quick they did it and I even felt like i wanted to get one done (a bit hehe).

If your really self-concious about a piercing on your face, the tongue would probably be the best place to get it.

My wife recently told me she wanted to get tatoo with my name on it, I used to think that tatoos didn't look good on people but after looking at some of the designs and talking to the artists I could see why people would go through with it.

I think the best advice I would give you is to research it as much as you can, see if you can go to a shop that does piercings, talk to people who have had them done. A good thing about piercings is that they are not permanent as much as tatoos. Have you expressed all your concerns with it to her? Does she have one/some and does she want to get one together with you? Also thought about alternatives?

All the best.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

yes we met in real life....and it was great

yeah she has some and wants the experience and all that kinda thing.

i know I'll not feel too bad about it when I'm with her it's just when I come back home and get like.....jeered by people it might lead to some....bad feelings about myself.....but i guess it's not forever.


----------



## SADLiath (Aug 5, 2005)

Well, there's one thing I can say about this ...



Nixon said:


> she says if I loved her (which I do) i'd get it


That kind of makes me think she's a little immature. If you love me you will? When you really don't want to? I think if _she_ really loved _you_ she wouldn't try to make you do things against your will.

Other than that, well, I'd like to get a tattoo someday, and my fiance is absolutely against it. No debate. Will I do it anyway? Maybe; it's my choice. Will he leave me over it? I doubt it. But if he does, then he wasn't that great in the first place.

If you really like her, though, and want to date her anyway, it might be something you have to do. If that's the case, Touche Turtle's advice is good.

That might sound a little harsh. If it does, I'm sorry. :hug

If this was me, I'd be wondering too. I'd never be so bold with my own life. :hide

Good luck with this. Let us know what you decide, 'k?


----------



## likewater (Aug 3, 2006)

Nixon, I will be honest with you as I am with everyone on this board. lets clarify what your two options mean. one) be a man and don't let her dictate what you do to your body or two) you can give in and have to deal with everything that comes with it. the piercing really is not the issue here, the issue is that she is making you do something you do not want to do. once you open that door it is basically a pandoras box, you will be her subordinate rather than being on the equal ground that you are now. once she sees you as beneath her your relationship will lose any possibility of being a healthy, pleasant one. this is the unfortunately reality of the situation, make your choice wisely.


----------



## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

I'd never get a piercing. The whole idea just freaks me out.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

it's like....she wants to do things she enjoys with her boyfriend (piercings) and wants to know i care about her enough to do this

she says i shouldn't care about what other people think more than I do about her feelings ....


----------



## unnamed (Jun 8, 2005)

Nixon said:


> it's like....she wants to do things she enjoys with her boyfriend (piercings) and wants to know i care about her enough to do this
> 
> she says i shouldn't care about what other people think more than I do about her feelings ....


What about your feelings? She obviously doesn't care about that. As likewater said she will pull the same trick on everything if you give in on this. Resist the whip try to think rationally.


----------



## Disintegrate (Jun 28, 2006)

Don't stick something in your face just because some girl wants you to. There are other ways to show that you care besides giving up your self-respect.


----------



## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

BurningHeart said:


> Don't stick something in your face just because some girl wants you to. There are other ways to show that you care besides giving up your self-respect.


Totally agree. You could always turn the tables "You know that I don't like this idea, if you cared about me, you wouldn't push the issue" this is not (IMO) a make or break deal..... Now, if she wanted you to remain faithful, that would be different.........;-) :b


----------



## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

She's more than a little immature. She's using emotional blackmail to try to get you to do something you don't want to do. I'll admit I have a bias against piercings and tattoos (I'm old) but if it was any other issue, like your choice of a school or a job, she'd have no business making the choice for you. Not because you're a guy, either. Same issue if the genders are reversed.


----------



## clenched_fist (Jan 4, 2004)

SADLiath said:


> Nixon said:
> 
> 
> > she says if I loved her (which I do) i'd get it
> ...


 :agree

_She sees it as a symbol of your relationship? :con 
Symbolically meaning she can get you to do want she wants? :b

If you don't get it, she's gonna break up with you? :con
Sounds sketchy and immature to me.

I'm not against piercings, but don't get one if you really don't want one. If you give in, who knows how she'll try to change you next and what she'll use as an ultimatum.

Why not just get her a ring or something instead?_


----------



## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

realspark said:


> BurningHeart said:
> 
> 
> > Don't stick something in your face just because some girl wants you to. There are other ways to show that you care besides giving up your self-respect.
> ...


Exactly.



likewater said:


> the piercing really is not the issue here, the issue is that she is making you do something you do not want to do. once you open that door it is basically a pandoras box, you will be her subordinate rather than being on the equal ground that you are now.


Yep.

That would be the same thing as me asking my boyfriend who's against getting a tattoo to get one. If you really love someone, you accept them as they are and for the way they feel about things.


----------



## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

Reframe it like they said. 

You could always do this back to her depending on what you want. My friend does this all the time. His girl always buys him smokes and recently bought a system for his car. Totally Awesome. Have fun with it dude.


----------



## sangha (May 9, 2006)

Sounds like she wants a ring in your nose so she can attach her very short leash to it


----------



## lilly (Mar 22, 2006)

If she loves you then she wouldn't make you do something you don't want to do. Only you can decide what you want to have done.
For someone to break up with you because you wouldn't have this done is very strange to me.


----------



## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

You have control over your own body. If you don't want a piercing, don't get one. She's probably just trying to pressure you into getting one by bring up the whole symbol of relationship thing. I'm sure there are other ways you two can think of to show your commitment.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

she also says that she's done things for me which she may not have wanted to do and she didn't even question it she just did them....and I'm like...well I would never ask YOU to do something you didn't want to....

she thinks it's bad that I even question this or have concerns....


----------



## mico (Aug 11, 2006)

Nixon said:


> she also says that she's done things for me which she may not have wanted to do and she didn't even question it she just did them....and I'm like...well I would never ask YOU to do something you didn't want to....


There's a major difference between doing something for someone because you want to and emotionally blackmailing someone. Major difference.

She sounds like an idiot to me. You'd be better off telling her to sling her hook. No doubt you'll not do that, but the least you can do is stand your ground, otherwise she's going to walk all over you.


----------



## -black- (Sep 20, 2006)

Well, if you really don't want to, then I don't think you should get a piercing. But I think that you should do something else that shows that you definitely do love her, and tell her this and if she breaks up with you b/c you didn't get the piercing, then she's not worth it.

What do you do to show her you love her? I don't really know. I guess you could throw her a party, take her on a trip she's always wanted to go on, or even just take her on a really romantic picnic or something.

Hope I helped!


----------



## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

I dont care if a supermodel wanted me to get a piercing, I'd show her the door.


----------



## instil (Aug 19, 2005)

likewater said:


> Nixon, I will be honest with you as I am with everyone on this board. lets clarify what your two options mean. one) be a man and don't let her dictate what you do to your body or two) you can give in and have to deal with everything that comes with it. the piercing really is not the issue here, the issue is that she is making you do something you do not want to do. once you open that door it is basically a pandoras box, you will be her subordinate rather than being on the equal ground that you are now. once she sees you as beneath her your relationship will lose any possibility of being a healthy, pleasant one. this is the unfortunately reality of the situation, make your choice wisely.


Well said sir! I woulda said 'eff no girl!' Im gonna let some girl make me get a piercing, no chance in hell.

Two, lip,tongue, eyebrow rings........thats girly stuff, for real. Not a good look on a straight guy, dont do it man! Please dont do whatever she asks, you better man up here buddy! Make us guys proud :hs


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

it's very difficult though because really as well as being my girlfriend she is my best friend too, being with her has made me a more confident and i think, better person and if we broke up over this she's already said she wouldn't want to talk to me....

basically without her there'd be a huge unrefillable void in my life and the concept of living without her makes me feel empty just thinking about

yet I do agree with what you all say on this issue and I shouldn't do it....

i think i'm sort of....in love against my better judgement.....

i dont know what to do


----------



## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

Right now, she is attempting to manipulate you. I know you love her. It's very possible her break-up threat is hollow, and she's just saying that to scare you. Of course, it is also possible she's not bluffing...but that's the chance you gotta take, because I think you'll just end up miserable if you let her treat you this way.

Why don't you suggest something else to symbolize your love? I don't think she realizes that a piercing is only a symbol of love to her, and for you it would only be a symbol of resentment and embarrassment. A real symbol of love is something that is mutually chosen by both people, it's not something that is forced by one person onto the other. Maybe some kind of trinket or engraving, or a poem, a song or artwork? You could even plant a tree. Anything can be a symbol, be creative. Good luck.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

well I just told her I didn't want it and she freaked out.

SHe said the piercing is a part of who she is and me denying the piercing is my denying her

crazy......it's weird she was saying all this stuff about how she loved me and wanted to be together forever and all of that and then as soon as I got down on the piercing.....complete shift....saying she's going onto anti depressants now and stuff....as if I'm destroying her or something....ugh there's like...no solution.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

I keep thinking maybe I made the wrong decision, maybe I should have just done it, it's not like I'm happier now, and at least I'd have her affection and something of actual worth in my life with her

even though i agree with all of what you guys say about it's wrong for her to do this and all of that.....

ugh I feel really......really bad.....what if we like....never talk ever again......

well thanks a lot for the comments and advice anyway.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

I know there'll be some other girl out there who would maybe treat me better, but I doubt there will be one i like as much

i mean i know she has this downside but there were so many good things about her, she's smart and funny and a great conversationalist and we had so much fun, oh god 

it's hard to really explain but i have a lot of memories tied to her, signifcant ones...and it's like....sad to think that, everything I felt and feeled ended up not being towards something more lasting.....it sort of destroys the meaning that I felt those feelings held

i'd like to think one day I wont care but having never felt this kind of intensity of emotion in the past, who knows what a minefield dealing with the after effects may be for me, I'm a very emotional person in general

and like I said she made me a lot more confident in general

and maybe a piercing would be better than this life, but I guess either way I'd feel down a lot and this way.....i feel I made a good point based on a well grounded principle, wheras I feel she is being petty....


----------



## likewater (Aug 3, 2006)

Nixon, you made the right choice. the fact that she left you over a piercing means she was immature and quite honestly a bit nuts. had you stayed with her no doubt you would have ended up being even more hurt in the future. its better to avoid such people, I realize thats no consolation, but I think you did well on this.


----------



## Melyse (Sep 7, 2006)

Hey. Did she break up with you? I'm a bit late to this topic but it sounds like she needs a bit of professional help. Perhaps all those good qualities you love about her are her true self and the emotional blackmail and why she is doing this might be an area she needs the professional help with. But I don't know enough to make judgement. I agree that it's for the best that you didn't let yourself get pressured into the piercing. Maybe you two would be better off as friends if that's possible. Then you can enjoy her as a best friend but not have such tight strings.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

yeah she said that I was making the choice to breakup with her as the piercing to her was the proof that I loved her

and so by not getting it she couldn't believe me or date me

so yeah

i dont know if we'll stay friends or not to be honest.


----------



## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

Nixon said:


> yeah she said that I was making the choice to breakup with her as the piercing to her was the proof that I loved her and so by not getting it she couldn't believe me or date me


I'm really sorry. However, I guess you now have proof on how much she loved you.


----------



## Melyse (Sep 7, 2006)

Sorry to hear. But congrats on staying true to yourself, even if she couldn't understand that.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

well....i'm sorry to say this but she talked me round and I agreed to get it

probably a mistake but either way I'm screwed anyway and I guess the only one that suffers this way is me


----------



## instil (Aug 19, 2005)

Nixon said:


> well....i'm sorry to say this but she talked me round and I agreed to get it
> 
> probably a mistake but either way I'm screwed anyway and I guess the only one that suffers this way is me


 :no

I cannot support this decision


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

probably not the best decision......she was in hospital and......I just felt an overwhelming sensation of compassion at that moment and I just couldn't say no

I'm so weak :afr


----------



## Tommy1 (Sep 26, 2006)

I think you should reconsider. If/when your relationship ends, you'll still be stuck with a piece of scrap metal or another hole in your face that you don't want.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

hm well I have another 2 months until I'm supposed to be getting it so maybe things will fizzle out by then.....


----------



## Weston (Sep 23, 2006)

I think your letting your emotions get the best of you. Breakups can make rational people do some pretty irrational things. From what it sounds like you've only spent a short time where you were actually together and most of the relationship has been long distance. Add to this the fact that us SA people are very vulnerable, since we feel it will be very hard or impossible to find someone else. She really doesn't sound very emotionally stable. When your falling for someone who's unstable everything may seem great, but they will probably cause a great deal of pain in the long run. Whats her next irrational request going to be? You'll be stuck with this reminder of her for the rest of your life if things don't work out.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

this is true......but now I've agreed to it she'll be about a hundred times angrier and when I went against it she kept threatening to reveal personal information to this friend of mine and guilt tripping me by saying she'd gone on anti depressants

I suppose what I am planning on doing is just not talking to her for a while

but what the hell will THAT achieve?

if I don't get it she can do a lot of damage to my life by freaking out and fabricating stories about me to people I know.

if I do get it......well we all know how much that will suck.

I just want the ground to swallow me up.

geez this is such a mess I never shoulda agreed to it but i feared what she'd do oh mang......


----------



## Weston (Sep 23, 2006)

So she's either manipulating you with guilt/her anger or blackmailing your with stories to your friends if you don't get it? That sounds like true love to me.


----------



## Nixon (Oct 11, 2006)

you guys talk a lot of sense, a whole lot of sense

I dont know I shouldn't let her think I'm getting it as that's kinda mean

but then if I say i'm not getting it now ..... she'll freakout hardcore and I'll freak out in return.......

so yeah i'm just hoping somehow things will .....die down.


----------



## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

So you're considering getting a piercing you don't want because your girlfriend (supposed to be a term of positive connotations) is threatening to leave you if you don't, and because you fear she'll mess with your other relationships. 

This is your moment of truth, man. Get the **** away from her. Now.


----------



## instil (Aug 19, 2005)

*ahem*
:whip :whip :whip :whip 


you better man up, and end this with some self respect. because it will only get worse as time goes on....she'll own you.


----------



## rebek (Aug 1, 2004)

Don't do it. If you don't want to do it or your hearts really not in it. She should respect you more for making your own decision. And if she doesn't then does she really care for you and want to be a true friend to you.

I think a lot of people with SA are very vulnerable to being in relationships with people that really aren't good for us. I'm not saying just about you specifically I mean in general. Just the idea of being in a relationship makes us feel good even though after a while you may realize that the relationship isin't a healthy one at all. And that a person with higher self esteem wouldn't put up with it.


----------



## suncowiam (Nov 1, 2006)

Hmmm...

I agree with everyone else. Love is not about a ring on your face. Sacrfifices usually involves careers, babies, or where to live, but definitely not a face ring.

You should seriously reconsider what you're thinking here. Because, once you act on it, that action will label you. Every kind of relationship requires you to stand your ground. If you do not want one, then you shouldn't get it and especially something that will change your body. That's your body, your own sacred ground. No one else has any rights to it and should never, unless you're into s&m. But anyways...

Stick up for yourself.


----------



## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

That kind of makes me think she's a little immature. If you love me you will? When you really don't want to? I think if _she_ really loved _you_ she wouldn't try to make you do things against your will.

I agree


----------



## Dove (Mar 14, 2005)

What kind of girlfriend is she? It sounds like she's either not taking your relationship seriously and seeing if you'd really do anything, or she's just not worth being with because she sounds weird and unreasonable. What kind of person would break up with you because you don't want to do something to your OWN face? :con

If _she _really loved _you_, why would she even _think _about spreading bad things about you? Why would she want to harm you in any way? You should ask her that question, and tell us what she says. :b


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

i would definately be against the piercing. since you are very opposed to it then she should be respectful of your wishes. its you that is getting pierced, not her. if the role were reversed and she wanted to get the piercing but you didnt, then i can see how that would be a negative thing. but since you dont like them she should go with your wishes in this case


----------

