# How do you make new friends at college?



## DeeperUnderstanding

So I'm a loner, and sort of keep to myself. I'm not happy with my situation, and I want to make some friends...however, I don't really know to do it. Everyone seems so social and outgoing, how does a shy, anxiety ridden guy fit into that kind of circle?

I'm thinking about just going up to someone at lunch and asking if I can sit with them. Is this how you usually make connections at uni?

How did you make friends at college?


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## somethinginthewind

I was in a small program.. only about 40 students with a lot of team/group work & we were all nuts about our program so it was actually pretty easy since there was so much in common already. I met a number of people going to Halloween pub as well, a lot easier to approach ppl if you're all in costumes! ; )


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## somethinginthewind

Auron said:


> This would be a great way, if i wasnt overwhelmed in anxiety, and actually had a purpose of going besides getting tipsy by drinking by myself. I think the worse place you can probably get friends, let alone a date is at a pub. Unless of course, you arent going by yourself.


Yeah I've definitely only had bad experiences with guys at bars. But somehow Halloween events are just fun because you get an instant conversation starter if their costume is interesting/funny/sexy etc. and I swear I was warmly welcomed on the dance floor by the girls who also had cat costumes on haha. I was a lot more confident in disguise, gotta say.


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## Just Lurking

Auron said:


> It didnt go well. i said something and they answered in a simple way to cut the convo.


I find this is usually the response I get whenever I attempt to talk to someone previously unknown to me. I know it's not possible to connect with -everyone- but it would be nice to have a bone thrown to me every now and then. I can't really help my social ineptness and awkwardness as I talk to someone... They see that in me so quickly... 

...I guess I could try wearing a Halloween costume when I go back to school in September. I'm sure it would make for a conversational starting point...


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## Attica! Attica!

I met pretty much my only friends here so far my freshman year at an orientation for my major.. me and 3 other girls just kind of hit it off and started chatting nonstop. I haven't made any more good friends since then, and I'm about to start my junior year! 

Everybody says, join clubs, join clubs, and I think that may be true after all. I'm going to force myself to go to a few club meetings for things I'm interested in, like a ski and fishing club, just so I can maybe make a couple more friends...

And of course, chatting with people who sit next to you in class. :afr That was never very successful for me, even if I managed to make conversation with someone one day, I'd feel doubly awkward the next day, and not be able to say much. Sometimes it feels like the longer I've known someone, the worse my SA, unless its a good friend. But a lot of people can do this much better than I can 

Your idea sounds good though, most people welcome extra company at lunch, especially someone sitting alone.


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## Traci

Good question. I've yet to make any friends from college. :S I've tried talking to classmates and such but nothing ever comes of it. I was maybe gonna join a club but the one I was intrested in meets at a different campus so that's not really helpful.


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## SilentLoner

I'm friendly with a lot of people but I don't think I can say I really have any friends at college. I occasionally meet up with my old roomate for lunch but thats it.

One of the first things I discovered when I began college was that I was very accustomed to being a loner and actually had a low tolerance for company a lot of the time.

Anyways, I'd reccommend joining a club, good way to meet a lot of people.


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## LostPancake

the only time i ever met people in college was in taking art classes. it was like hanging out with a group of 20 people 8 hours a week, which gave you time to get to know them. slowly.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

LostPancake said:


> the only time i ever met people in college was in taking art classes. it was like hanging out with a group of 20 people 8 hours a week, which gave you time to get to know them. slowly.


Hmm, maybe I should take an art class?

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions everyone. I'll try community groups as well.


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## SADuser

It's easiest to capitolize on friends during group tasks. 
During my first year at uni, I was lucky enough to sit next to someone who I think recognized my quietness, and took me in. But ultimately, It depends on the person. 
Once the first year of uni's up, it obviously gets harder. Approaching someone is an ok idea, but I don't have the confidence to do it. 
There's always those really nice people who like talking, even to us, no matter what. These are good opportunities. Mind you, my school my be a lot different to yours.


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## Judi

I have an issue where I barely talked to anyone in my class in first year, even working in groups I would talk in the group (if I had to) and barely even make eye contact out of class time. I only had one friend who I could be myself (or as close as I can around) in my class. It's much harder to make friends in consecutive years, especially when they recognise you and you don't say anything but advert your gaze. My friend failed a subject so I'm in all her classes except one and going to that one (which is tomorrow) is making me anxious ._.;. So my advice is be friendly even if it's not outgoing and do what you can in first year, it's the easiet time for everyone to get to know each other. As for making friends after your image as a shy person has been established? I wish I knew... 
Once I did do that in year 8 where I asked a group if I could hang out with them for a day... it was really awkward, and unpleasant... When I first started uni in a different course (when before I changed my major) I talked to various people, I didn't become friends with all of them right alway, and to be honest we weren't exactly good friends. But it's still a better choice then waiting for someone to come to you.


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## JS86

WintersTale said:


> So I'm a loner, and sort of keep to myself. I'm not happy with my situation, and I want to make some friends...however, I don't really know to do it. Everyone seems so social and outgoing, how does a shy, anxiety ridden guy fit into that kind of circle?
> 
> I'm thinking about just going up to someone at lunch and asking if I can sit with them. Is this how you usually make connections at uni?
> 
> How did you make friends at college?


Talking regularly in class (without monopolising conversation, which will instead bring resentment) is a good way to at least get yourself known, at the very least. Saying nothing is a ticket to being anonymous or hard to get to know. By talking you become familiar to your fellow students and more approachable.


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## Metallic

I'm actually a lot more comfortable talking to people that I sit next to in class, which is why I almost always try to sit next to someone. However, I haven't really made any close friends doing this, mostly only acquaintances, but it probably doesn't help that there's usually only like 4 girls per 100 kids in all of my classes. I tried joining clubs (Society of Women in Engineering), but I still found it difficult to make friends there because it was more about learning proper etiquette with companies and meeting with them rather than bonding with the members. You obviously want to find friends so keep trying and don't get discouraged!


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## Snow Bunny

Traci said:


> Good question. I've yet to make any friends from college. :S I've tried talking to classmates and such but nothing ever comes of it. I was maybe gonna join a club but the one I was intrested in meets at a different campus so that's not really helpful.


Ditto to everything you've just said, with the whole different campus thing and everything xD


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## LostPancake

JS86 said:


> Talking regularly in class (without monopolising conversation, which will instead bring resentment) is a good way to at least get yourself known, at the very least. Saying nothing is a ticket to being anonymous or hard to get to know. By talking you become familiar to your fellow students and more approachable.


yeah that's true. it's good exposure therapy as well.

it also might help to have a conversation starter, like carry around a book that you like, or a tshirt of a band you like. or bring your pet rabbit on a leash, lol.


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## MissChocolateMilkshake

I didnt make any friends at the community college I attended. Hopefully, I can make some friends at the University this upcoming semester. At the CC I used to attend, they didnt have any clubs or anything like that. So the University have a bunch of clubs I can join.


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## TheCollegeCupid

If you want to make more friends in college. The shortest piece of the puzzle I can share is this:

People make more friends at the rate and speed that they are introduced to new people.

There are two ways to meet new people.

1. Introduce yourself to new people
This is what 99% of people tell you to do when you ask them how to make more friends. This works, except that you only have so much time and energy.

2. Get introduced to more people by your friends. 
This is where the true power of becoming massively popular lies. Of course, this depends on whether you have friends who know a lot of people.

Making friends with the "right" people can literally land you with like a couple hundred friends over night. I call those people "social connectors". Social connectors are people who are very well connected with other people. They aren't typically hard to make friends with - that's why they have so many friends. Example: If you're looking to meet more girls, a good social connector to make friends with might be the flamboyant gay guy who's bbf's with a million hot girls.

Making friends with social connectors seems obvious, yet no one does it. Notice how many of your own friends are social connectors...

Once you've done this, you will become very well known. If you make friends with 5 ordinary people, you have 5 new friends, and they will introduce you to their 5 friends. That's 25 people.

If you make friends with 5 social connectors, they will introduce you to their 50 friends. That's 250 people. Seriously that's no joke.

Once you've done this, you can organize some group activities like some of the other posters suggest. Presto, you have all the friends you can handle.

I tried to make this strategy as simple as possible, but I realize that to some people on this forum, it may seem intimidating to do all of this. Let me know what you think about this strategy. Making more friends requires confidence. I can expand on it or give more details if you like.

I also go into severe detail on the science behind how to make more friends in college and climb to the top of your social circle on my blog.

Find more info here: 
www.TheCollegeCupids.com


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## this portrait

Wish I knew the answer to this question. I'm in my third year now, and while I've found my boyfriend (who I consider to be my best friend), I still have yet to go beyond acquaintances with everyone else.


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## IDK

I think doing an art class would be your best bet. When I took one it was a smaller class and had a chilled atmosphere, basically you are given projects to do and all you do is work on them independently. The environment allows for alot easier interaction with others and the art is a great conversation starter. I met a cute girl too that I _knew_ liked me but because im an idiot I missed my opportunity, one of my many life regrets...


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## nycdude

I also need some new friends, but everyone else seems to keep to themselves or hang out with their own little group of Friends. Joining a club might help but i am not sure.


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## Kelsea N

TheCollegeCupid said:


> Making friends with the "right" people can literally land you with like a couple hundred friends over night. I call those people "social connectors". Social connectors are people who are very well connected with other people. They aren't typically hard to make friends with - that's why they have so many friends. Example: If you're looking to meet more girls, a good social connector to make friends with might be the flamboyant gay guy who's bbf's with a million hot girls.
> 
> Making friends with social connectors seems obvious, yet no one does it. Notice how many of your own friends are social connectors...
> 
> Once you've done this, you will become very well known. If you make friends with 5 ordinary people, you have 5 new friends, and they will introduce you to their 5 friends. That's 25 people.
> 
> If you make friends with 5 social connectors, they will introduce you to their 50 friends. That's 250 people. Seriously that's no joke.
> 
> Once you've done this, you can organize some group activities like some of the other posters suggest. Presto, you have all the friends you can handle.
> 
> http://thecollegecupids.com/blog/?p=271


okay so i get what he/she means, but i don't think it necessarily works. i mean i have (or had, i'm not sure) a friend who was like what you'd call the most properly connected person...yet he had so many casual friends that he generally doesn't know if he knows someone or not or what their name is. so in a lot of conversations he's just being cheerful and polite while having no idea what's going on (and he doesn't even have sa). and to be honest, that's a lot like what i was like in hs, but i didn't like a lot of the people i was "connected to". i think just clubs, people in your classes, etc, are good places to start. and as for the costume thing: it does lower inhibitions, but between costumes and drunkenness, it's hard to remember/recognize these friends later.


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## Freiheit

At my school I don't really get to socialize because people don't really talk to me and my classes are like independent study types, well some of them. Plus people have their own lives and busy schedules so it's just not happening.


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## scriabin221

I found it useful to find an area possibly other than the cafeteria where people hang out. Sometimes on campuses, there is a smoking area. If you don't mind second hand smoke, this is a great place to hang out and meet new people. Half the people I know now, I met there, including my girlfriend who doesn't even smoke. It good because you're likely to find the same people hanging out there. Also, if you have some sort of a rec area, you could try that as well. Clubs are good, but you have to be careful to make sure you have something in common with the other people other than the club theme. Be patient, though, it takes a while, it really does. I had two friends, one who I only saw at school for three whole semesters. You'll have a dozen acquaintances for a while, but eventually you'll end up friends with a couple. But definitely try to find a break area. You'll meet people quickly there.


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## Becca1803

glad to know that other people struggle with this. I am a student at a school of 40,000+ students and my majors are both pretty large. I've realized lately that besides the friends I met in the dorm freshman year, I really haven't made any new ones. This has lately been upsetting me and my Social Anxiety is growing worse, I think because of my self confidence getting lower and lower. I find it difficult to talk to people in class, because I always feel like I'm going to come off as weird or creepy. And I've joined one club, but ppl mainly go to it to gain something about the field of interest, not to make friends. And I used to party more than I do now, but I never made really good friends from parties. They jsut became my "party friends", not real ones. If anyone can figure out the way to make friends in a big university, lemme know!


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## DoveAgain

It hasn't been that easy for me to make friends. Yes, you can always try those tips that people always suggest like introducing yourself, talking to classmates, joining clubs, etc. but even then, it's not easy as you would think to make friends. There needs to be something more to keep the friendship going once you've made small talk. I think there just needs to be a natural connection or have similar personalities or _something_. Otherwise, there's not going to be any reason to keep meeting and it will eventually just die out.

I've made a few acquaintances, people I might have lunch with a few times a month or so (which really isn't often at all in the college world, considering we all live at the same school), but I realized I don't really have anyone I can hang out with. At the end of the day, I don't really click with anyone well enough. Everyone also already has their own lives, their priority friends that they do everything with.

I'm in the stage where I'm about to just accept being a loner at this school. I never have any personality when people try to talk to me so no one ever bothers to get to know me further, not that many people talk to me in the first place. I feel like I'm becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm turning into the person people expect me to be--quiet, boring, serious, and no personality or sense of humor whatsoever. It's awful. I know when I'm really, really comfortable and happy with someone, I'm a different person and am much more lively, talkative, and silly, but that side is almost non-existent now. I just hate that I'm becoming the false image of what people see me as. I'm treated that way so that's what I become. I feel like my social skills are getting even worse because my confidence has become so low. I've been feeling so self-conscious and vulnerable walking around campus, and I feel so inadequate seeing everyone else and how different they are.

If you're fine with just acquaintances though (well, they could turn into friends for you), here's how I met mine. With both of them, it happened kind of naturally. Both happened to be because we were on the same bus, getting off the same stop. With one of them, I asked her where a building was and she happened to be heading the same way. We started talking while heading there and then exchanged numbers as we left. The first weeks of school have a more social atmosphere where it's more socially acceptable to converse with strangers and make small talk, so it didn't feel really weird or anything. With another, we were also on the same bus, heading to the same place and she wanted to know if we were at the right place. Then we bumped into each other later again and started talking from there. With the third, I actually went out of my comfort zone and sought them out. I'd seen them at our floor meeting and they looked like the quieter ones so I decided it wouldn't be that scary to try to approach them first. They're nice but I don't think I click that well with them. Just barely enough to meet with once in a while for a meal but not enough to be close. Plus, because I took my time transferring to this school, pretty much everyone here is a couple years younger than I am, and I think it does make a bit of a difference. I thought it wouldn't, but it's not really the best confidence-booster for me to hang out with people years younger than I am, and then also _still _being the most socially awkward.


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## Benmiller

DoveAgain said:


> I'm in the stage where I'm about to just accept being a loner at this school. I never have any personality when people try to talk to me so no one ever bothers to get to know me further, not that many people talk to me in the first place. I feel like I'm becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm turning into the person people expect me to be--quiet, boring, serious, and no personality or sense of humor whatsoever. It's awful. I know when I'm really, really comfortable and happy with someone, I'm a different person and am much more lively, talkative, and silly, but that side is almost non-existent now. I just hate that I'm becoming the false image of what people see me as. I'm treated that way so that's what I become. I feel like my social skills are getting even worse because my confidence has become so low. I've been feeling so self-conscious and vulnerable walking around campus, and I feel so inadequate seeing everyone else and how different they are.


You assume that other people see you the same way as you see yourself, but that's so far away from the truth. It's the same as with people with anorexia: they think they're fat, and they can't believe other people wouldn't think that too. You, and I and others on this forum, have a similar problem with our personality. But you have to see that other people are so busy with their own lives, that they just don't have the time to judge you all the time (you may judge other people a bit more often because you are insecure btw.). 
So actually it's YOU who's setting up failure for yourself, because you're thinking you're boring at school and stuff, and so you're unconsciously living up to your own expectations!
But WHAT IF you'd just completely turn that around, and think you are funny, talkative and all the other things you just know you are. THEN your unconscious mind will work with you instead of against you.
What harm could it do if you just thought positive? What good has any negative thought or limiting belief ever done to you? Try to completely let them go!
I'm still overcoming these things too by the way, I bought a program called 'Social Dynamix', and though I still have some work to do, I know it won't take years, and it has already helped me quite a bit. You should check out that program too, I think it will really help you a lot. Two things to keep in mind though are: 
- Apply what you learn, that's the most important thing
- take it slowly. Learn one thing, then apply it, and if you got that down, 
move on to the next thing, so it doesn't overwhelm you.

I'm looking for someone to share each other's experiences with by the way, to help each other and tell about our progress and keep each other motivated. If you or someone else would like to do that, please contact me

Greetings Michiel


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## Adrianooo

Hey guys, I guess that's the place in this forum to ask this question so I'm just gonna make a quick review of my situation and if anyone could share a few tips, i'd be very grateful.

I'm currently a university freshman (studying in Germany) and I've just started my second term/semester etc. I didn't really make any friends during the winter term, I actually met only two people I'd stop to chat if we see each other on the street or in class. One of the reasons (besides my obviously bad social skills) is that I live in another city, not the one my uni is located in and therefore I don't go there everyday. I also didn't go to any parties. The thing is that, even though I've got some ideas how to socialize, everybody seems to know each other (idk how that happens) and they walk around in groups or sit together in class. So I'm kinda worried they'd think I'm a creep if I go and just talk to them. Furthermore, they already have some experiences together, so that makes it a bit more difficult for me. Not to mention I have absolutely no idea how to start a conversation with someone. I'm trying some things though. One of the guys I met earlier knows more people than me and as we've talked often during last term, I just introduced myself to some of the ppl he knows. I'm also moving to (hopefully to a dorm) the city my uni is in, so I could try talking to my roommates, go to parties and build up from there. Despite that, I'm not really confident everything's gonna work out. So if anyone has been in a similar situation or could imagine it and share some advice with me, I'll be eternally thankful


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## FakeFur

I'm currently a senior at a state college with a diverse student body of over 30,000 people. I have been at this school for 3 and a half years. 

I have yet to make a single friend. 

When I was a freshman I thought to myself that there was absolutely no way I would go my whole college career being friendless. No way. But within these years, I've tried to make friends, and I failed. Over and over and over and over again.

Well, I sure proved myself to be wrong about it not lasting this long.

I may not be able to help since I haven't been good at making friends myself, but I will say that I truly hope you have much better luck than me OP. I hope you don't end up like me.


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## JoeRamone

Like many other here, I have a had a pretty terrible time at University (currently in my final year). I believe some of this is down to my preconceptions of University life, based on American films. I thought I would be going to parties, having one night stands, and making a groups of friends for life. This was not the case. I missed out on halls, and lived in private accommodation, with three girls who I had never met, and have not seen since. I had nothing in common with them and was a 'fourth wheel'. 

I thought I would be able to make friends on my course. Things started okay, started to talk regularly to some people in my class, but within a month two of these people left University, and the other changed courses about six weeks after that. At this point I could see social groups forming around me, but was still optimistic about meeting new people. Since this point I have not made any friends what so ever, short conversations which mainly consist of, dates of exams, deadlines etc. Other than that, I get one word answers. 

I just kind of accepted this until a point in my second year, when I was getting really depressed about over hearing these parties that I obviously wasn't at, so I told myself to meet some people outside of University. Looked into joining some clubs, but have very limited hobbies/interests. I did join the gym, but went with headphones, so it was pretty counter productive. 

Basically, at this point I've given up on building any relationships. If I start speaking to a women they think I'm flirting, and get the answer 'I have a boyfriend', when all I'm doing is commenting on the book she's reading/music she's listening to, in the hope of forming friendship based on common interest. As for meeting other guys, this is impossible, I do not want to go to a bar/pub on my own for fear of humiliation, and one guy can't just approach another without coming off as weird. If I do get a conversation going with another guy I'm terrible at conversation, and don't how you go about setting up a 'man-date', just setting up a situation in which to see them again, without coming across as really, really weird. 

Basically, I'm relying on getting a job, and reinventing myself to meet some new people.


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## swampchild

The only way I made "real" friends was through my week-long orientation that my university does for first years, and through my work at the school paper (which is a very serious job I get paid for!)

JOIN CLUBS.


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