# Ive been left behind and blame myself for not trying harder.



## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

hey im new here so im guessing you just have to launch in somewhere with a problem at some point. Apologies for the length, I tendency to ramble.

I graduated 2 nearly 3 years ago now with a Masters degree in xxxxxxxxxxxx (I might fill that gap later), I've sent out 100's CV's, made a portfolio website, printed portfolio booklets. After all this I have had 3 interviews, two in England so I have had to fly over which costs money I don't have. I didn't get those jobs.

It just bugs me that people I went to uni with have got jobs, earning money, getting fully qualified, whereas I'm stuck in a rut. And not to sound mean but I was good at it, the only thing holding me back is shyness/anxiety/social phobia, whatever you want to call it (I haven't decided if I want to tag a name to it yet). When I was working in an office I would literally fear the phone ringing and having to talk to someone and sound stupid not knowing the answers etc, I also put off calling people for the same reasons, in my year there, I called one person even then there was a few days of a delay between being asked to do it and actually doing it. In my job evaluation she called me taciturn which kind of ate me up for a good while after looking up what it meant (she was right, I know). 

I know I am probably to blame for a lot of it as after graduation (the second time) I kind of hit the wall with everything to the point where I couldn't even send out my CV without getting anxious about the what ifs so I stayed frozen. I felt so detached while studying my concentration wasn't there which led to me not putting the effort needed into getting the result I wanted, (I still was in the top quarter of people) that kind of ate me up as well taking away a lot of my self confidence in what i do.

I have built myself up though and go on CV binges sending them out, post or email, I never ring up and ask are they employing (too shy). So recently I'm getting more replies but still I haven't got the experience they are looking which is understandable. But then the fear comes in if I actually want to work in an office knowing how quiet I get. BTW at home I am witty tell jokes sarcastic one liners, I laugh like I don't care, but not in work, I have a serious filter that stops me saying what I really want to for fear of embarrassing myself by sounding stupid or annoying someone, or going bright red (that as well!)

I could go on but I've rambled enough for now, I guess I'm just looking for other peoples advice or experience in coping with being shy in the workplace and how to cope etc with being ignored/rejected by recruiters, employers etc. for lacking confidence. 

Or just tell me to wise up and realise how many times I said 'I' and stop having a pity party (But I hope you won't do that, I'm my own worst critic!)


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## The Phantom Pain (Oct 6, 2010)

All I can say is keep trying. If you're not strapped for cash maybe try gunning for an internship or something, but of course that's easier said than done when you have SA holding you back.

The only thing you can hope for is you get into a situation at work where you'll finally feel just as comfortable there as you feel at home. Most co-workers are generally OK unless you run into the occasion jerkoff, but dealing with those is just something you have to get used to.


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## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

Hey, thanks.

I've tried an internship two years running but didn't get it either time! mucho confidence boost (The man that runs it I hear is a right awkward git, his loss).

I was even thinking of trying a call centre like exposure therapy for my aversion to the phone but the jobs where I live are few and far between and theres always someone with a sparkling outward personality that is ahead of me. 

Sometimes it gets me down a bit (hence joining here tonight) other times I feel free not being tied to a desk job but money doesn't grow on trees!


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## The Phantom Pain (Oct 6, 2010)

Yeah, it's tough.

The few jobs that I've got in the past have been because I've clicked with the HR person interviewing me and it was a little easier for me to be myself and I was lucky enough to get hired. It's rare, but I assume it's the same way for most people with this disorder. The trick is to not get too down if you get rejected though.

So hopefully I don't sound like a broken record, but I wish you luck.


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## amt0715 (Feb 20, 2014)

Don't give up. Keep bugging people, whether by phone, email, or post. Eventually, they'll give you a chance. When I was graduating and look for a job I was in a similar situation where I had sent out 100s of resume's and had gotten very little feedback. So I started hitting the job market in waves. I'd send out like 20 one week, then the next week another 20 or so, but I'd also resend another email to the original 20. I finally got like some 7 or 8 interviews in just one week. Don't get discouraged.


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## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

Cheers, I go through the waves as well, problem is as I'm in Northern Ireland and most of the architecture jobs are in England I have to be careful not to jump at every chance because it gets expensive flying back and forward to interviews, (I have another on Monday in Manchester) especially when you don't hear back for months then they ask you for an interview the next day!

I have made a list of 25 local firms that I told myself to ring and ask about recruitment (After that I've exhausted wee norn iron, lol), I kind of put off doing that as I hate talking on the phone (one of my little quirks!)


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## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

So to update, a week later.

I had a job interview (that Manchester one), then a job offer 20 minutes later. So I now have to move city and start again, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

It will be an experience if nothing else!!


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## Lifeofanartist (Nov 11, 2003)

Wow things really moved fast! Congrats!


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## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

Cheers, but now the fear and self doubt are really creeping in. Having to start all over again, probably being lonely with no friends in a city I don't know. I had the same pattern a few years ago when I had to move to England and remember being really lonely and quitting my job 3 months before my contract ended and moving home!


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## jbrisson777 (Feb 17, 2014)

eternalmind said:


> Cheers, but now the fear and self doubt are really creeping in. Having to start all over again, probably being lonely with no friends in a city I don't know. I had the same pattern a few years ago when I had to move to England and remember being really lonely and quitting my job 3 months before my contract ended and moving home!


It'll be hard at first!!!!! But remember that it's hard for everyone at first. Though some have more confidence, it doesn't make them better than you. You should be proud of yourself for even going. A lot of people who suffer with SA would never dare. You are brave. They picked you for a reason, because they saw something special in you. Just keep swimming!


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## AnotherGuy (Aug 5, 2013)

You sound like a really smart guy. I mean, of course you are. You surely realize that your academic achievements so far are a testament of what a hard worker you already are. You can't change that. And the fact that you care this much that you let it bother you in such a way only supports that.

I'm sure you'd make an excellent employee. There's got to be a way to boost your confidence up somehow.

Now, one thing I do not agree with is being called out in an interview, and the interviewer using the word "taciturn". What if quiet and reserved is your personality type? Do you not deserve to make a living because you're reserved?

I've seen countless examples of people who are strong and silent, only to shine through as dynamos when put up against the task at hand. I'm one of those people. I've surprised myself when put in professional environments.

If you were boastful and wiry at the interview, would she have called you "jittery" or "excitabe"? Just goes to show that if you don't have one thing against you, they'll often *find *one.

Keep plugging away, man. You're bound to land something. You're a man of qualifications. It's what you've busted your hump for in school.


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## twistedlogic89 (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm in the same situation. I know how tough it is. It makes you feel broken - like everyone around you is successful and normal and you feel like your feet have been cemented into the ground. I basically just stopped looking at facebook. Seems like everyone I graduated with has not only gotten a job but they've moved onto second jobs already. Their ambitions were too high for their first company so they just simply moved on to another better one. Just strapped on their job helmets and got a jobby job. 
It's almost laughable. I decided to get certification in something (since I'm a total failure at my college major) and I'm trying to get a menial job in the meantime so I can save up for my move out of state. I can't even get a callback from a custodial positon. I have YEARS experience as a custodian while I went to university. It's just insane. I wish I had advice for you but I myself don't even know what I'm doing.


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## AnotherGuy (Aug 5, 2013)

twistedlogic89 said:


> I'm in the same situation. I know how tough it is. It makes you feel broken - like everyone around you is successful and normal and you feel like your feet have been cemented into the ground. I basically just stopped looking at facebook. Seems like everyone I graduated with has not only gotten a job but they've moved onto second jobs already. Their ambitions were too high for their first company so they just simply moved on to another better one. Just strapped on their job helmets and got a jobby job.
> It's almost laughable. I decided to get certification in something (since I'm a total failure at my college major) and I'm trying to get a menial job in the meantime so I can save up for my move out of state. I can't even get a callback from a custodial positon. I have YEARS experience as a custodian while I went to university. It's just insane. I wish I had advice for you but I myself don't even know what I'm doing.


I'm sorry to hear all of that. It sure is all madness and insanity out there. Sometimes I feel like my having gone to school meant nothing at all. It really is maddening.


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## Jfisch (Mar 11, 2014)

Generally this way of thinking is what keeps anxious people from getting any better, because an anxious person won't just adapt when new things about themselves are introduced, say a new diagnosis or maybe somebody said a critique of them, but anxious people generally have no sense of self its more so just kind of thinking you're wrong because someone said you were. Because being anxious is normal, but since people get stuck in it but just basically being like " I have anxiety and I can't seem to find any thing to actually take it away, so It's here for ever" because actual positive thinking is an an absolute thing worth actually trying. But to be positive you have to realize that you have been thinking negative, but if you can't seem to think of happy thoughts on your own and just go with like cliche ones, you're just talking to yourself really. 
Which is hard for everyone to understand because it's easy to let anxiety take over you're being because it makes you anxious.


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## Ciaran128 (Mar 19, 2014)

Congrats on the job offer! It'll definitely be scary but in an exciting way I'm sure. It sounds like it's the right move career-wise. As someone else from 'wee norn iron' I'm quite jealous of your opportunity :b Good luck.


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## eternalmind (Feb 24, 2014)

Thanks guys, i havent been on here for a few weeks, busy moving/finding place to live, having second thoughts, third thoughts, haha. But I moved and am starting work tomorrow, thanks for the advice and am going to try hard (easier said on here!). not try to be overly social or anything cuz thats not me, just make small changes, ask questions, work hard and try to recognise when Im feeling overwhelmed/out of my depth and do something so it doesnt get too bad!


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## Melodies0fLife (Sep 17, 2012)

Totally understand what you're going through. It's even harder for us because this system of interviewing and hiring requires that you sell yourself both on your resume and in person interview. Someone with low self esteem and who is modest is going to have a much harder time impressing other people.


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