# Cheating



## ambriehl (May 17, 2015)

This will probably be a long post, just a warning.
This has been bothering me for quite sometime and the weight of it is seriously getting to me. (Hope this is on the right thread).

I'm 18, diagnosed with BPD and a myriad of other things (social anxiety included).
When I was 16, I was in a long distance relationship with my now boyfriend (we live together now). At 16 I had known him for about 6 months, dating for almost as long, (he was 17/18 ) however this was the peak of pretty much all things bad for me. I was in an emotionally/mentally abusive home, I was friends with a terrible person who only contributed to my disorders (encouraged my ED, said my scars were "cool", ect), and my suicidal thoughts and self harm were at their greatest.
I was around this mentioned person nearly everyday, and even stayed over at her house more than my own home (although she also had her own home problems). She was my age, a lot more outgoing and loud, she was very violent and had schizophrenic episodes and was a compulsive liar, constantly shoplifted, also into drugs, which was all a whole new scene for me. 
Long story short I ended up cheating on my LDR boyfriend with her 19 year old step brother (who lived in the same house), we didnt go all the way or anything, I was a virgin, but cheating is cheating. I wish I knew there was a clear cut reason for why I did it, but I mainly chalk it up to my serious abandonment issues and lack of affection (I mean I was in a LDR, not much intimacy there) and the fact that I was young, stupid, and in a bad place.
I told my boyfriend nearly immediately, but he forgave me pretty quickly. He is seriously the best person I have ever known and I felt very lucky to still be with him. 
However, less than a month later we split, I was (unreasonably) upset that he hadn't come down to meet me despite two attempts, and my friend had convinced me that it was a lost cause (despite the fact she was in a LDR herself and she had cheated multiple times). 
Literally the night after we split I ended up having sex with a guy I had just met that night, I was frustrated and figured I had nothing else to lose. Boyfriend found out about this because of passive aggressive posting to social media.
The split in our relationship marked the period of time that I was doing pretty much anything with anyone because I just didn't care.
Ultimately, 3 months later we were back together but I was still "emotionally" cheating on him, for lack of better words. Mostly attention seeking online and stuff like that and still being involved (talking, flirting) with a guy from a previous LDR.
Once we met this all pretty much stopped, not counting a few isolated, vengeful (after fights or when I discover something he has been hiding from me), strictly online incidents regarding attention seeking. I'm also a very open, very sensitive, insecure and vulnerable person, which is also how he is, to a lesser degree.
All in all I know very well that everything I did was terrible, and I feel very guilty about it constantly, and that nothing about what I was going through/none of my disorders justifies what I did, it only explains why I did it. 
However I constantly see cheaters demonized (generally for good reason). And things like "once a cheater always a cheater" and just really terrible things said and "friendly reminders" that cheaters are scum and terrible people. Like I literally just saw something that said "cute dating tip: don’t cheat on your partner you ****ing pathetic piece of ****". I get where its coming from and I'm not trying to say its not fair, but I can't help but feel these things directed towards me. I can't help but think that I will always be this terrible person, and that one day my boyfriend will see it the same way everyone else tends to.

Point is, do you think its fair to lump me into a group of generalized "monsters"? I feel like there's at least somewhat of a difference between a 16 year old cheating in a LDR and a 20-something year old cheating in a completely physically/emotionally committed relationship.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I have a lot of sympathy for people with borderline personality disorder, it can be an awful disorder, and I hope you're able to get the support and help you need. A side effect of BPD from what I've gathered is you engage in these behaviours as a reaction to your strong emotions caused by unpleasant things in your life and then the way you feel about what you've done creates more emotional turmoil in you which can lead you to do similarly destructive things again, like an unbreakable cycle. Is that something you relate to?

I think it's important for you to have a sense of empathy and care for yourself, and not try to form your opinion of yourself based on what other people say about you (very difficult, I know, I haven't really managed this at least not consistently.) They're just looking out for themselves and their own wealthfare and they have their own values which are formed by their life experiences, Humans are largely myopic. You have to love yourself unconditionally because no one else will.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

As long as it doesn't hurt anyone who cares? Just don't get caught.


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

thetah said:


> Staff Edit


This. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

If you are open with him about your issues, then he can make his own informed choices. The behaviour would still be highly questionable, but at least he wouldn't be blind to it (which is not fair to a partner who's supposedly important to you).

If you were to continue the dodgy behaviour and hide it from him, there is no acceptable excuse for that -- it's just reprehensible no matter which way you spin it.

It comes down to communication.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

You are not a monster, I wouldn't go that far. But still you should take responsibility for your actions. Cheating on someone is the worst thing you could do to somebody.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Betrayal of trust is a pretty big issue. It doesn't show much in the way of maturity.
Taking responsibility and handling things the right way does.


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## sociallydiseased (Jan 5, 2013)

You can't really use a condition to justify or mitigate problems that you have in your life. The more time you spend making excuses for yourself, the less time you're using to try and correct the behaviorial habits.

I mean, I get it. BPD is rough. I was diagnosed with BPD myself, I've been abandoned by my mother and best friend, I have a sense of apathetic moods when it comes to people's feelings, and I didn't have a home life conducive to healthy emotional well-being. But I've never cheated, and I refuse to do it. Why would I want to put someone through the same s*** I was forced to go through? You can't whine about your woes and continue the same behavior and try to justify a very ugly, uncaring action. It helps no one and you're only hurting yourself and the person you're with when you do it. 

I am NOT judging you, but I'm definitely admonishing you. It's going to be very hard to find happiness living your life the way you are, seeking attention from others, when you should be strengthening yourself and trying to rid yourself of the parts of you that urge you to cheat.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Hmmm....I'm really not sure about some of this.

First, you're not a "monster". But what bothers me is that I hear a lot of guilty feelings and remorse, but I don't see any resolve that you'd never do it again. I hate clichés, but ya know that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" seems to prove true in so many cases.

I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. It's a really nasty, vicious disorder...I've been diagnosed with half a dozen different things, and if I could choose one to get rid of, it would be BPD, even above my anxiety disorders. It causes so much suffering I think because it's so easy to forget that I have it, it's so easy to forget that it's affecting my behavior, my decision making, my reasoning...it all gets to be so unrealistic, so black and white at times, and I don't even realize it. My therapist and psychiatrist are constantly working with me, to make me more self-aware, and to help me make some sort of progress. It's a battle I haven't been winning lately. So, you have my sympathies wrt that. I hope you can make more progress than I have, I really do.

I don't have any sympathy for you though, because you cheated. I mean, you made a conscious decision to cheat. It didn't happen by accident. Nobody forced you to do it. You just said "f*** it, I don't care about the consequences, or who I hurt, I just want what I want right now".

I was married to my ex-wife for 18 years, and it ended because she cheated. She literally woke up one morning and became someone else. She decided she didn't want any more responsibilities. She decided that she was going to stay out all night, even on weekdays, go clubbing with boys half her age, neglect her kids, and let me raise the kids by myself basically. That went on for a year before I finally left. She is one of the most selfish, narcissistic, immature women I have ever met. I seriously feel sorry for my kids because she's the custodial parent. I worry about her ability to parent...they have no moral compass with her. I hope they look up to me and their grandparents more than they do her. 

I've been married twice, and had my share of girlfriends in between. I have never, ever, not once, ever cheated. I don't get that whole mentality.

I don't like people that hurt and manipulate other people like that. Good luck to you. I hope you never do it again, and not for your sake, but for whatever guy your with.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Touka said:


> This. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.


The OP already said that she's in the wrong for her actions so I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve.

_[Staff Edit]_


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

It just sounds like a real emotional roller-coaster of a life. As for what society thinks, well yeah, it's an extremely low thing to do however given your age, one would hope that as you mature that cheating aspect of your personality will disappear. Get new friends btw.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

You were young and you did dumb s***, partially because you were young, possibly partially because of your condition. What you did WAS wrong, there is no doubt about it, and making excuses for it isn't going to help you, it doesn't matter whether other people's excuses for cheating were any more or less legitimate than yours.

However, should you feel bad or guilty for it still? My thoughts.... no. Guilt is good, because it helps us learn from bad experiences and become better people. However, if you've learned your lesson, accept that what you did was wrong in a mature, calm way, guilt loses all meaning and usefulness. We all do bad things every now and again, usually without realising it. The right thing to do is to accept what we did as bad, take our lessons from it, and move on with our lives.


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## Aribeth (Jan 14, 2012)

I don't know where these people come from but there's nothing wrong with cheating. Don't listen to them.


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## sociallydiseased (Jan 5, 2013)

Aribeth said:


> I don't know where these people come from but there's nothing wrong with cheating. Don't listen to them.


Well, it's pretty s***** to be the one to get cheated on.


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> The OP already said that she's in the wrong for her actions so I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve.


Despite her saying otherwise, her entire post is her trying to excuse her behaviour and trying to separate herself from other cheaters. But she is no different from them because most other cheaters probably have intricate reasons as well but despite their attempt to justify their actions it is *always *an abhorrent thing to do. For example, I know someone who cheated on their partner [who was bipolar, that might be relevant] because their partner did it first. Does that make it no longer a terrible thing to do to someone? In my opinion, they're just as bad as their partner.

[sorry that turned into a rant, feel free to ignore everything beyond the first sentence]


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## sociallydiseased (Jan 5, 2013)

Whatever. Cheating, killing, hating, lying... None of it makes anyone happy.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

Being 18 and cheating , I don't see ant problem , in fact I'd expect it . Even more so with a LDR . 
Move on meet lots of guys and have lots of Fun . Worry about a relationship when your old like 30 + .
Be free


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

How can someone knowingly trust a cheater?

Just saying...

Have fun with your life but don't be surprised if no one takes you seriously if you never take them seriously.

This isn't directed at OP or anyone else btw, I'm just stating my personal stance on cheaters.

That said, the past is the past. If you want a serious relationship and make it clear that's the intention yet cheat afterwards despite all this knowledge, then that would be called hypocrisy. 

Also I agree with what someone else said about being able to judge and love yourself by your own personal standards and what not. At the same time if you do something you deem clearly in the wrong yet try to justify it with excuses and feel as if everyone else is wrong, you're going to find yourself in many debates. 

Perhaps it would be best not to use the word love or commitment lightly. You're not a monster though.


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## anynamewilldo (Jun 15, 2015)

Obviously cheating is awful, one of my ex gf's cheated on me and it is soul-crushing. but you did it and you can't change that. Besides you were young and in a long distance relationship, I mean its set up to fail. I would say he is likely to not trust you again in a hurry and the relationship will never be the same again but its your choice...


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## Caramelito (Apr 6, 2014)

I was going to agree with other users that also have a BPD (cause so do I) until I saw them judging ambriehl for what she did in the past... Let me tell you something, you can't judge without knowing, I don't know if you guys have heard about this but doing those things with no inhibitions (can be sex, drugs, food, etc) is a way to self harm, and it's just totally (yes I find it totally understandable) to see a BPD cheating on someone cause that's the way some might cope with losing or not feeling enough in a relationship, searching for more attention, which she clearly mentions... also searching for love/people to hang out with/ kiss whatever... just so she can forget about the feeling of being alone/abandoned/in a bad enviroment or who knows what.

I can't judge, I totally understand that behaviour, I hate cheaters, yes I have been cheated in the past and I have also made some mistakes that I do regret doing but it's just an impulse, I couldn't be able to explain this without being judged by non borderline personality disorder individuals or others that are just too blind and focused in their own color (which is also a BPD thing so I can't judge that either) so I am just going to answer ambriehl's question.



> Point is, do you think its fair to lump me into a group of generalized "monsters"? I feel like there's at least somewhat of a difference between a 16 year old cheating in a LDR and a 20-something year old cheating in a completely physically/emotionally committed relationship.


First of all, no need to be categorized as a monster... You are unique and just like any other human being you are allowed to make mistakes... What you did might be wrong, that's right... But it's just the way your personality is. Right? So you have two choices... 1. Either you learn from that experience and just deal with your own BPD which you might know what triggers you and how do you usually act so you don't hurt the ones you "love" just like you've been hurt in the past or 2. Embrace the fact that you'll keep doing that again (you'll cheat again, it doesn't matter if it's in a LDR or a completely physically/emotionally committed relationship). Cause we, BPD usually repeat our mistakes.

My opinion? Yes there's a difference, but cheating is cheating... boys tend to care a little more about phisically cheating and women emotionally. And that's it, we need emotional stability and we think we can get that from people (forgetting that it's all in ourselves)... But that's my opinion, right?

At least I've been always honest about cheating/seeing others/feeling bored/not feeling in love anymore all the time.

And by the way, Phersephone was right with the unbreakable cycle... that's basically how it works.

Come on guys, I know most of you don't like to be judged by your SAS right? It's just the way YOU are... BPD is extremely complex and it's just a very VERY personal journey but I expect a little RESPECT and understanding, and if you IGNORE what BPD is, please read about it...

And one last thing


> She is one of the most selfish, *narcissistic*, immature women I have ever met.


I totally understand you, but I also know that we attract narcissistic people very easily, unfortunately. I also had a BAD experience with a narcissistic in the past so I'm sorry... But at least I know how to identify a narcissistic person now and STAY AWAY FROM THEM!!! hahaha


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I have BPD.

But I have never, ever cheated.

I have a history of attracting narcissistic, selfish people, as was mentioned.

But I have never, ever once cheated.

I also self harm. But I don't self-harm in ways that hurt other people. I don't cheat, and then rationalize it as "self harm".

Because I've never cheated.

I have never, ever cheated. It's not because of poor impulse control, or anything else. I've had opportunities to cheat...I've had plenty. But I chose not to because it's just wrong, and no matter how lonely I feel, or neglected, or used, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone that way, ever.

Cheating is not just an "accident" or a "lapse in judgment". People that cheat have serious, serious integrity issues. There's a big difference there.

You do not walk across a room, trip over the rug, go flying through the air, have your pants come off, and land on a member of the opposite sex and have your penis accidentally go into their vagina, and say "Oops, OMG, I just don't know what in the world happened there, it wasn't my fault". No. No. No. That's not what happens when people cheat. It's a conscious decision.

I would just add that I believe that people who think there is absolutely nothing wrong with cheating on and hurting a romantic partner, are probably sociopathic. Seriously. Someone with a complete lack of conscience.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

Cheating bla bla 

It's a choice you made to do something you want to at a particular time because you are a free person to make that choice . 
it doesn't mean you are a bad person .


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

You're 19. I wouldn't worry about it.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

Cheaters are not hideous monsters/unforgivable demons nor are they hopeless or unable to change. Yes, it's a horrible thing to do. Yes, a majority of people who do it will do it again. No, this doesn't mean "once a cheater, always a cheater." There are complex psychological reasons people cheat. That's not an excuse for the behavior, but it's not a reason to lump them in the same category as murderers.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

TenYears said:


> I have BPD.
> 
> But I have never, ever cheated.
> 
> ...


There are a few points to consider though.

She didn't actually have sex when she cheated

She was in a short term ldr and probably having a bpd episode

She was young and young people do stupid **** even without mental illness. You could say being a teenager is a mental illness in itself due to the underdeveloped brain.

I'm not saying what she did was OK at all, but she knows this. She told him right afterwards so that's on him to decide if he wants to deal with it. I just don't think you can say anything until the stars were aligned so to speak and you were in her exact position, at the time, living her life.

The 'sociopathic' people you are describing are the ones who cheat repeatedly while feeling no guilt about it.

Hopefully if OP avoids people like her 'friend' and gets help to cope with her emotions/symptoms it should be OK.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Your boyfriend still trusts you because you told him about the cheating almost immediately. Being honest about it is a lot easier to forgive and re-trust than if you'd covered it up for months. And as long as you're honest with him and he forgives you, it's between the two of you and the opinions of uninformed outsiders don't matter.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

nubly said:


> You're 19. I wouldn't worry about it.


This. Still young. As for the phrase, it expects perfection. People arent.


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## Raeden (Feb 8, 2013)

50piecesteve said:


> You are not a monster, I wouldn't go that far. But still you should take responsibility for your actions. Cheating on someone is the worst thing you could do to somebody.


Eh, I can think of some worse things.


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

OMG!
The OP cheated on her boyfriend.. Someone needs to call the police.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

thomasjune said:


> OMG!is The OP cheated on her boyfriend.. Someone needs to call the police.


OK, so what you're really saying is (sarcastically) is that it's OK to cheat on her bf. Come on bro, say what you mean.

Just come out and say that she cheated on her bf and you think it's OK.



_Staff Edit_


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

TenYears said:


> OK, so what you're really saying is (sarcastically) is that it's OK to cheat on her bf. Come on bro, say what you mean.
> 
> Just come out and say that she cheated on her bf and you think it's OK.


 Come on bro. I'll say what i Want to say. No is not ok that she cheated but is not the end of the World. She's only 16 years old. There's no need to try and shame her. I'm pretty sure you're not perfect and nether am I.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

ambriehl said:


> Point is, do you think its fair to lump me into a group of generalized "monsters"? I feel like there's at least somewhat of a difference between a 16 year old cheating in a LDR and a 20-something year old cheating in a completely physically/emotionally committed relationship.


Yeah there is a difference. Teenagers are expected to be immature and impulsive, leading them to more likely cheat. And in your case you can add BPD in which impulsivity, recklessness and self-harm are common traits. Your relationship does sound like a whole lot of drama and stress, but ultimately it's up to your bf if he decides that's the sort of relationship he wants. Not really sure if you will change with age, but the fact you show remorse and don't try to justify it, minimise it, hide it, or deflect blame is a sign you may have the capacity to change.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

thomasjune said:


> Come on bro. I'll say what i Want to say. No is not ok that she cheated but is not the end of the World. She's only 16 years old. There's no need to try and shame her. I'm pretty sure you're not perfect and nether am I.


Of course the consequences are not going to be the same when she's 16 as they probably would be when she's, say 20. But that doesn't make it OK. Why would it be OK?? What makes it OK, just because she's 16? There's no shaming going on (not from me, anyway) but it's just wrong.

Does she go through this magical transformation or something when she turns 18, on her 18th birthday, that makes it all of a sudden OK? Wtf? It's not OK when you're 16 and it's not OK when you're 20 and it's not OK when you're 30 and married with kids. IT'S NEVER OK TO DO THIS!


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Question for people who cheat: can you not just restrict yourselves to open relationships? I mean, if you know you're going to do it, wouldn't it be easier just to be upfront about it?

I don't see anything wrong with having multiple partners. I just think it's wrong to have them if you both don't know about it beforehand and agree to it.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

truant said:


> Question for people who cheat: can you not just restrict yourselves to open relationships? I mean, if you know you're going to do it, wouldn't it be easier just to be upfront about it?
> 
> I don't see anything wrong with having multiple partners. I just think it's wrong to have them if you both don't know about it beforehand and agree to it.


I feel they would not because of 1 key reason, they would HATE to be cheated on themselves.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

AussiePea said:


> I feel they would not because of 1 key reason, they would HATE to be cheated on themselves.


Is that true?

Cheaters, tell me how you feel about cheating. Would you be mad if your partner cheated on you?


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Of course the consequences are not going to be the same when she's 16 as they probably would be when she's, say 20. But that doesn't make it OK. Why would it be OK?? What makes it OK, just because she's 16? There's no shaming going on (not from me, anyway) but it's just wrong.
> 
> Does she go through this magical transformation or something when she turns 18, on her 18th birthday, that makes it all of a sudden OK? Wtf? It's not OK when you're 16 and it's not OK when you're 20 and it's not OK when you're 30 and married with kids. IT'S NEVER OK TO DO THIS!


I already said/know is not ok to cheat.
You know what else is not "ok".. A 40 plus year old Man trying to make a 16 year old feel worse about herself.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

thomasjune said:


> I already said/know is not ok to cheat.
> You know what else is not "ok".. A 40 plus year old Man trying to make a 16 year old feel worse about herself.


He's not "making her feel worse about herself" in some intentionally demeaning manner, he's simply stating that it's not the right thing to do. She's not a kid, she doesn't need to be patted on the back and told it's all okay, she needs to realise it's wrong and that it's a **** thing to do. People need to be accountable for their actions.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

thomasjune said:


> I already said/know is not ok to cheat.
> You know what else is not "ok".. A 40 plus year old Man trying to make a 16 year old feel worse about herself.


No, that's not my intention, and you know that it's not.

You've obviously run out of arguments, so you're just attacking me. You know it's wrong to cheat, but you've just run out of comebacks, so you're telling me I'm just trying to make her feel bad about herself.

What the actual **** man, am I supposed to make her feel good about herself for what she's doing? Seriously. How about having some accountability. The things that you say and do, the choices that you make, have very real consequences, and the earlier in life that you realize that, the easier your life will be in the long run.

If she had posted on here that she was a 16 year old girl that had just had her heart broken by a boyfriend that had cheated on her, I can guarantee you that the replies would be full of sympathy for her, and full of rage at her 16 year old boyfriend for being such a douchebag. Even though he's 16. I personally don't believe that being 16 years old gives you a free pass to do anything you want to do. Yeah of course, we all make mistakes, man, especially at that age, but if you make choices that deliberately hurt people, then you get what you have coming to you. Ffs.


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

Attacking you? _Removed_ Anyway I'm done with this thread. You have a good day.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

TenYears said:


> Of course the consequences are not going to be the same when she's 16 as they probably would be when she's, say 20. But that doesn't make it OK. Why would it be OK?? What makes it OK, just because she's 16? There's no shaming going on (not from me, anyway) but it's just wrong.
> 
> Does she go through this magical transformation or something when she turns 18, on her 18th birthday, that makes it all of a sudden OK? Wtf? It's not OK when you're 16 and it's not OK when you're 20 and it's not OK when you're 30 and married with kids. IT'S NEVER OK TO DO THIS!


No magical transformation, but there is a gradual transformation and in general a 16yo isn't going to reason as well as a 30yo with kids.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

caveman8 said:


> No magical transformation, but there is a gradual transformation and in general a 16yo isn't going to reason as well as a 30yo with kids.


And that still doesn't make it OK.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

No one is saying it is.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

So....

let me get this straight...

because she's 16....

she should be able to cheat on her bf.

And have no guilty conscience about it, whatsoever.

And take that experience into adulthood, where she's one day married with kids, and just move on with that and, yeah, uhm, go on to cheat again.

Oh.

Oh. Kay.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

Again, no one said that.

She was going through a troubled time in her life at a young age, and does feel bad about it. She is concerned about being labelled a monster, a cheater, as in once a cheater always a cheater. I say no.


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