# Would you go out with someone you aren't interested in



## stars (Nov 20, 2009)

just to gain experience or expose yourself to such a situation (dating etc.) ..
I know it sounds cruel, i just want to know.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

No. Never.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

No. It's not fair to either person. Nobody should ever have to settle for less than what they want. And the other person deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be their partner.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

^I totally agree


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

No, and I think that's a very dubious practice.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

No.


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## anonymid (Oct 16, 2005)

Futures said:


> No. It's not fair to either person. Nobody should ever have to settle for less than what they want. And the other person deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be their partner.


This. Plus, I'm terrible at faking interest. I wouldn't be able to pull it off even if I wanted to.


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## stars (Nov 20, 2009)

Ok just wondering..and what if you knew that the other person wasn't really that serious about you..


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

if their personality was ok and i wasn't interested in their looks (face), maybe.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Absolutely I would. I did, actually, for about two months earlier this year, and I found it to be a valuable and often enjoyable experience. In fact, the more I got to know her, and the closer I got to her, the more I liked her. In the end, despite that it was clear that she wanted me a lot more than I wanted her in the beginning, _she_ ended it. You see, I had been beyond a first date before this year, so I was (and still am) working from a disadvantage as far as relationships go. I'm just now learning what most guys have known since they were teenagers. I learned a lot about how to date, initiate intimacy, kiss, talk to women, and especially how to feel. I've still got a lot to learn, but that was the biggest bit of progress I've yet made in my progress against SA.



Futures said:


> No. It's not fair to either person. Nobody should ever have to settle for less than what they want. And the other person deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be their partner.


If we never settled for less than what we want, we'd all be married to rich, intelligent, rocket-scientist supermodels. Unfortunately, there aren't enough of those to go around, and those that actually exist are seeing other rocket-scientist supermodels. It seems that a lot of people with SA (like myself a few months ago) have unrealistic standards when it comes to dating, especially given their social handicap. I'm not saying that we should just go for anyone that comes along. But sometimes, when we lower our standards a bit, we find something within those people that we didn't find so attractive initially that we really like. Girls, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming. Guys, cast your net wide, and one of the oysters that you accidentally pull up might be hiding a pearl.

As far as what other people deserve goes, if a person you weren't quite attracted to was interested in you, don't you think they would want the chance to show you that they could be someone you might want in the long term? Don't they _deserve_ a chance? Don't you think that, if they were to date you even for a short while, they would enjoy the time they spent with you, however fleeting?

I find that sometimes we rationalize ways to preserve our own loneliness, perhaps because we think that these principles somehow make us "good" people, cloaking ourselves in morality to keep ourselves within our comfort zones. I can guarantee you that many of those people we reject because we don't find them attractive don't think we're "good."

I've argued this point before, and have gone largely ignored. When I ask why everyone should have high standards, I get no answers. High standards might work for highly attractive people, but not necessarily for the masses of average people out there. And yet, this thinking seems to persist among us, leaving a lot of people who buy into this very lonely. It left me lonely for 4 years in college, when there were a few women who were interested in me who I ignored because I wanted someone "better." If you disagree, let me know why, and hopefully I can convince some people to get out there rather than letting loneliness prevail.


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## Deathinmusic (Jun 5, 2009)

Not in a million years. That is just cruel.


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## Steve123 (Sep 13, 2009)

No. Though I probably SHOULD as practice, I still wouldn't.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

No, but sometimes i think i have to settle for a person that i'm sortof interested in but not really that into. The kind of people i'm very interested in tend to be out of my range.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

I did. For years. It was awful. Never do it.


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## Cleary (Nov 10, 2007)

I have.
It never lasts very long. which isn't surprising.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Perhaps then there is a distinction that should be made between people who CAN attract enough people to be able to pick which of these he/she is most interested in and those of us that aren't so attractive. People who can attract lots of people shouldn't, and those that can't should.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

^Well, I'm not exactly popular with the guys and I still wouldn't go out with just about anyone. I did once go on a blind date with a guy who wasn't my type, and it was quite a boring date. I guess I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not interested in :stu


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

If I were absolutely convinced that my feelings about someone would never change and they were certainly not my type, then I wouldn't ever show any false hope by agreeing to go out with them. However, if I were not immediately interested in a person but thought there might be a chance that my feelings would change, I probably would be inclined to go out on a date or two, in order to give things a chance. 

Certainly though, if there were no romantic interest whatsoever on my part, I wouldn't lead a person on. I would just see it as being a waste of time, for the both of us, if I gave the impression that something might be on the cards, and I wouldn't have the heart to just use somebody for experience.


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## creep (Jan 29, 2009)

STKinTHEmud said:


> If we never settled for less than what we want, we'd all be married to rich, intelligent, rocket-scientist supermodels. Unfortunately, there aren't enough of those to go around, and those that actually exist are seeing other rocket-scientist supermodels. It seems that a lot of people with SA (like myself a few months ago) have unrealistic standards when it comes to dating, especially given their social handicap. I'm not saying that we should just go for anyone that comes along. But sometimes, when we lower our standards a bit, we find something within those people that we didn't find so attractive initially that we really like. Girls, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming. Guys, cast your net wide, and one of the oysters that you accidentally pull up might be hiding a pearl.
> 
> As far as what other people deserve goes, if a person you weren't quite attracted to was interested in you, don't you think they would want the chance to show you that they could be someone you might want in the long term? Don't they _deserve_ a chance? Don't you think that, if they were to date you even for a short while, they would enjoy the time they spent with you, however fleeting?
> 
> ...


I don't think its about finding a rich-intelligent-supermodel-astronaut, for most people its about finding a person with right chemistry, if that's not present, more than likely you're both just going to end up hating each other in the long run. This might not even be any less difficult for some of the most attractive among us than for anyone else.

As for more casual dating, I might go out with people I wasn't entirely sure about but I certainly wouldn't lead someone to think it was anything more than I knew it to be. Maybe because I've a deep abating need to be appreciated, not having that is really no different than being alone, and I know that the other person would want that to, so why hold them to the one proven place they are never going to find that?

What about what happens, which often does, while dating this person, you meet someone new, someone who's much closer to that ideal match, who you know you'd be much happier with. Do you suddenly cast off and break every promise you've ever made to the first? Because you know, I think there's nothing in the world that might make a person feel like garbage quite like realizing they were just a stand in for some better person.

Besides, even being in a relationship I actually would want to be in is a lot of trouble, why the hell would I want to go through a lot of stupid effort to maintain one I don't even really care about?


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

I don't see why not. Maybe after you get to know someone you might like them. Maybe you find out you have a lot in common. Then whatever it was about them that made you not interested might have less influence.


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## Toad Licker (Nov 2, 2007)

Sure, what are you doing this weekend? :wink


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## BreakingtheGirl (Nov 14, 2009)

no


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## Groundskeeper (Feb 6, 2010)

Nope.


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## Dub16 (Feb 28, 2010)

No. But if I thought that I was just uncertain whether I liked them or not then maybe it would be worth one date to find out.

But if I knew for a fact that I wasnt interested then no. There wouldn't be any point.

EDIT: (stop talking gibberish and answer the Question Dub..... No!)


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

stars said:


> just to gain experience or expose yourself to such a situation (dating etc.) ..
> I know it sounds cruel, i just want to know.


I haven't been able to do it yet. My therapist says that I should. I think I am way too picky because I don't want to go through all the "work" and "stress" of trying to start a relationship with someone who I may not want a relationship with in the end. She said that's what people do and most of the time things don't work out anyway, even when you are initially attracted. She says I never know what I might be passing up if I don't get to know a person's personality.


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## rickthegreat (Dec 22, 2008)

BrokenDreams said:


> I haven't been able to do it yet. My therapist says that I should. I think I am way too picky because I don't want to go through all the "work" and "stress" of trying to start a relationship with someone who I may not want a relationship with in the end. She said that's what people do and most of the time things don't work out anyway, even when you are initially attracted. She says I never know what I might be passing up if I don't get to know a person's personality.


I agree with your therapist.  Me also thinks you over-analyzing it a little. I mean it's just a date or two right? Like other people said you might end up liking them. At some point she will bring up the talk anyway of where you stand in this and you can just tell her you're not that into her at that point of that is the case. Or you don't have to wait to be prompted man. But I mean I've known some women who have a "3 date rule". They are pretty much ready to go on 3 dates (unless it's terrible) to get to know the guy better. There's no commitment or anything. They say the 1st date is nerves anyway and trying to impress each other or whatever. I dunno. Give it a try.  Oh and in a "do looks matter" thread I recall some people saying that they initially were not attracted but then once they got to know them they were. One even went from, and I quote, "eww", to being his boyfriend. So it can happen.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

no.


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## pinklove (Oct 19, 2008)

If you know they aren't for you then I say don't go on a date with them because it may get their hopes up and that isn't fair. If you aren't sure then give them a shot and go out a few times to see.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

creep said:


> I don't think its about finding a rich-intelligent-supermodel-astronaut, for most people its about finding a person with right chemistry, if that's not present, more than likely you're both just going to end up hating each other in the long run. This might not even be any less difficult for some of the most attractive among us than for anyone else.


And if you don't find "chemistry" with anyone, what then? Worse yet, what if no one finds "chemistry" with you? Are you to continue through life completely alone, or do you go out with people you don't find so much chemistry with to find out how to generate chemistry?



creep said:


> As for more casual dating, I might go out with people I wasn't entirely sure about but I certainly wouldn't lead someone to think it was anything more than I knew it to be. Maybe because I've a deep abating need to be appreciated, not having that is really no different than being alone, and I know that the other person would want that to, so why hold them to the one proven place they are never going to find that?


I'm not saying you should lead anyone on, I'm just saying go out with him/her, even if for a little while, and in this time, usually both partners are trying to figure out whether they like one another in the first place, so you don't need to talk about whether or not it could be long term. Frankly, I found that seeing someone was proof enough that I was appreciated. Yes, I wanted more, but at least I felt as if I could get more.



creep said:


> What about what happens, which often does, while dating this person, you meet someone new, someone who's much closer to that ideal match, who you know you'd be much happier with. Do you suddenly cast off and break every promise you've ever made to the first? Because you know, I think there's nothing in the world that might make a person feel like garbage quite like realizing they were just a stand in for some better person.


I'm not sure what promises you're breaking here. I'm not saying you should get married to someone you aren't that interested in, just date them. And people break things off with people they are dating all the time. Lots of people do it, and many don't see anything wrong with it. I've heard it described as "dating around." So yes, if you meet someone you like better and that someone is interested in you, end it with the other person and move on.



creep said:


> Besides, even being in a relationship I actually would want to be in is a lot of trouble, why the hell would I want to go through a lot of stupid effort to maintain one I don't even really care about?


A lot of people see dating as fun. Even if you don't, it would be valuable experience when you find that someone you really want to put in the effort with. Regardless, if you get to any "base" with that person, I think it would be pretty fun...


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

No, _*never.*_ I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me, in fact, I'd kick their *** so far they'd be in Western Australia. That's just using someone and it's wrong.


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## Phibes (Mar 8, 2009)

Nope, they must be physically and mentally up to par to get my sap rising.


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## ratbag (Aug 2, 2009)

I put personal interest before desperation. I hate leading people on.


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## Lensa (Mar 12, 2010)

No, I really wouldn't. I'm not desperate for experience and to date them just for the exposure would be really unfair for the other person anyway.


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## creep (Jan 29, 2009)

STKinTHEmud said:


> And if you don't find "chemistry" with anyone, what then? Worse yet, what if no one finds "chemistry" with you? Are you to continue through life completely alone, or do you go out with people you don't find so much chemistry with to find out how to generate chemistry?


Doesn't chemistry by definition, run both ways? Anyway, I know alone and really, it typically only has to be as awful as you decide to imagine it to be. "Hell" the favorite cliche goes "is other people".

As far as casual dating goes, where there is no pretext about what either party is looking sure, I see nothing wrong with that. It probably would be a good idea to do that least somewhat anyway, to get a better idea of what's out there and what you're actually looking for. But really though, if you've been out with a person a couple of times and your interest in them is still pretty still luke warm chances are thats not going to change very much.

Where the problems arise is when there are uneven feeling between you and the other person. Its too easy to lead the person with the stronger feelings on or to give them false hope where there is none. Its cruel. It hurts. Its the kind of thing that leads to long-standing grudges and drinking and the writing of bad poetry and the joining of therapeutic internet forums.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

BrokenDreams said:


> I haven't been able to do it yet. My therapist says that I should. I think I am way too picky because I don't want to go through all the "work" and "stress" of trying to start a relationship with someone who I may not want a relationship with in the end. She said that's what people do and most of the time things don't work out anyway, even when you are initially attracted. She says I never know what I might be passing up if I don't get to know a person's personality.


My therapist said the same thing! She called it "dating around." She said to go for it and just enjoy myself. I feel that some of us with SA are so concerned for other people's feelings that we forget to respect our own. I also find that I've been far too picky, and for some reason, I've had the bs moral mindset that if I were to go on even one date with someone, she would have to be the love of my life.



creep said:


> Doesn't chemistry by definition, run both ways? Anyway, I know alone and really, it typically only has to be as awful as you decide to imagine it to be. "Hell" the favorite cliche goes "is other people".
> 
> As far as casual dating goes, where there is no pretext about what either party is looking sure, I see nothing wrong with that. It probably would be a good idea to do that least somewhat anyway, to get a better idea of what's out there and what you're actually looking for. But really though, if you've been out with a person a couple of times and your interest in them is still pretty still luke warm chances are thats not going to change very much.
> 
> Where the problems arise is when there are uneven feeling between you and the other person. Its too easy to lead the person with the stronger feelings on or to give them false hope where there is none. Its cruel. It hurts. Its the kind of thing that leads to long-standing grudges and drinking and the writing of bad poetry and the joining of therapeutic internet forums.


I've always been confused as to what "chemistry" meant, and I feel that there will never really be perfect chemistry between two people. One person will like the other more than the other does that person, if only a little. Really, I think what matters is how we feel with another person rather than any complicated mind reading having to do with guessing how the other person feels about us.

If it's clear after a dating for awhile that you absolutely won't get along with that person, then sure, that would be a good time to end it. I might say go beyond the first few dates, since I don't think it's possible to really know what a person is like after the first few dates (especially since these dates tend to be more nervous). What I'm saying is that we should at least give someone those dates.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

no i wouldnt. id rather be alone


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

> If it's clear after a dating for awhile that you absolutely won't get along with that person, then sure, that would be a good time to end it. I might say go beyond the first few dates, since I don't think it's possible to really know what a person is like after the first few dates (especially since these dates tend to be more nervous). What I'm saying is that we should at least give someone those dates.


The more and more I read this thread I am thinking that my initial opinion should be updated to maybe... all of you have made some really good points about answering yes to dating someone you are initially not interested in. As long as you are not repulsed by the person or find them really offensive... yeah... I can see why going out with someone, giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeing where things go would actually be a smart idea. That is why I love this site... the threads that I initially am against I sometimes learn enough from to realize I could've been wrong and then some other threads that I've agreed with I've been convinced against... and others I've remained staunchly committed to my views.... thanks to everyone here.


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## MiceElf (Apr 19, 2007)

Gads...once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away..I _married_ someone that I really wasn't all that interested in.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

MiceElf said:


> Gads...once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away..I _married_ someone that I really wasn't all that interested in.


Me too... took a few years but I eventually was in love with him, was never captivated or attracted to him and we never had 'chemistry' but we were compatible and ended up being happy and built a nice little life together.


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

STKinTHEmud said:


> My therapist said the same thing! She called it "dating around." She said to go for it and just enjoy myself. I feel that *some of us with SA are so concerned for other people's feelings* that we forget to respect our own. I also find that I've been far too picky, and for some reason, *I've had the bs moral mindset that if I were to go on even one date with someone, she would have to be the love of my life.*


I told my therapist that unless I thought a woman could be the "love of my life", I didn't want to lead her on. I told her that there is no way I wanted to have to break up with someone and hurt them. I said that even as bad as being dumped is, dumping someone else would be infinitely more painful to me than being dumped.

She pointed out to me that most people don't like breaking up with someone and that many would rather be the one being dumped than doing the dumping. Most people understand that more often than not things don't work out and they will likely break up in the end.

Now I think it's fine if you are going out because you like the person and would like to get to know them better as a potential mate or just as a friend. If it is someone that you have no emotional interest in and you go out with them for selfish reasons like sex, money or other perks, then that is wrong. Unfortunately a lot of guys ask girls out just because they want to have sex with them even though they have no intention of any other possibilities. That is just WRONG!


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

No, I wouldn't.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

BrokenDreams said:


> I haven't been able to do it yet. My therapist says that I should. I think I am way too picky because I don't want to go through all the "work" and "stress" of trying to start a relationship with someone who I may not want a relationship with in the end. She said that's what people do and most of the time things don't work out anyway, even when you are initially attracted. She says I never know what I might be passing up if I don't get to know a person's personality.


There is usually a strong, strong possibility one becomes used to dating. I used to feel the same way about going out, meeting people, getting rejected, etc, etc. Now I just don't let it bother me as much. I try to put my focus on enjoying myself, and that includes NOT sacrificing doing the things I like to do just to make my date happy. In other words, if she wanted to go to her parents house-no. If she wanted to see an opera or something stupid like that-no. If she wanted to sit, relax and watch a movie or something then I'm cool with that. Why? Obviously, it is because dates often don't pan out (at least for me), so I'm not going to waste my time doing something only one of us is interested in UNLESS we were already in a relationship. It is pretty much your perception of the whole ordeal, but often times it does take a little bit of work but I suppose the payoff is huge when you find what you want.

Point of emphasis: you'll get used to it. Just try and focus on the things you like to do. Probably not the advise you wanted to hear, but it helps...


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

BrokenDreams said:


> Now I think it's fine if you are going out because you like the person and would like to get to know them better as a potential mate or just as a friend. If it is someone that you have no emotional interest in and you go out with them for selfish reasons like sex, money or other perks, then that is wrong. Unfortunately a lot of guys ask girls out just because they want to have sex with them even though they have no intention of any other possibilities. That is just WRONG!


If there is no emotional interest (at first), must it be all about sex or money? Can we not enjoy that person's company outside of sex, enjoy hanging out, joking around, going hiking, watching movies, talking, etc.? (I think sex is definitely part of the fun and that it's very important in a relationship, but that's not all there is to it.) And if there is no emotional interest _before_ all this fun happens, does that mean there won't be emotional interest _after_ it happens? Would all the fun an intimacy all be a waste even if an emotional interest never developed or can you walk away from seeing someone feeling happy with the good times you had together?


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## meowgirl (Aug 24, 2009)

No, that's messed up. Once it happens to you, see how you feel about it then.


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## so_so_shy (Sep 5, 2005)

Yes i would go on a date with someone i am not interested in. No harm in giving it a chance, and who knows you could actually develop interest once you get to know the person. Now if after a couple dates i still have no interest, then i wouldn't bother with it anymore.


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## stars (Nov 20, 2009)

How is it desperation. I fail to see that point. Don't you talk to people who you know you are not going to become good or lifelong friends with ?? Just to practice talking? If someone asks you out even they aren't 100% sure they like you.. 
Anyway, thanks for all the opinions. 
And to the person who said the therapist thing, same here someone suggested this to me, just wanted to know what other socially anxious people would have to say..


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## bobthebuilder (Jun 17, 2009)

stars said:


> How is it desperation. I fail to see that point. Don't you talk to people who you know you are not going to become good or lifelong friends with ?? Just to practice talking?


I dont >.> If i do not like someone/think i wont seem then again i just dont talk to them...or for very long. I dont do it purposely, its just the way I seem to work.


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

Most likely not or I would be pretty up front about it and make it as a friends hanging sort of thing. Feelings are a tricky thing and I dont want to hurt someone else if I know up front. If we become friends and then there is a further connection cool. But I dont want to go on a date with someone I am not into and hurt them.


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

no I wouldnt and couldnt do it, Id rather just stay single


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

No,not really.I wouldn't have liked it if someone went out with me just for the practice of it..
My first boyfriend wasen't really interested in me when we started dating,he was hung up on some girl he had a crush on for several years and he even told me that he didn't think I was that attractive when we first started going out.:roll Made me feel like he just went out with me because I just conviently turned up then and I never forgot that.
Anyway,just an illustration to show why it might not be a good idea..

Of course it would be totally different if it was a blind date and that is because it's a blind date


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

No, I wouldn't. I've had the opportunity before, and haven't taken it. I'd rather die a virgin than ruin someone else's life like that.


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## MiceElf (Apr 19, 2007)

*I told him when I met him ...*

used me anyway...


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## ktbare (Sep 13, 2009)

Huh?? No way ever, and it is very, very cruel.


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