# More personality change with schema



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Tonight I feel like I had another huge jump towards deep personality change as a result of observing my schema modes. After an evening out with my drum teacher, I was chatting via PM to a certain highly regarded, red haired intellectual, known to frequent this board occasionally, when suddenly all this stuff hit me. I plonked the PM I wrote to Lord Ginger of The Sprocket in an email to my psychotherapist as we are working with modes at the mo. Here is the mail ... black is me talking to my therapist and blue is me talking to Grandmaster Ketchup Face:

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_I had been out tonight with my drum teacher to discuss how I can go about becoming a professional drummer. I noticed I was doing what I always do in therapy with you - chasing off after a subject and then getting lost. When I left him to go home, I also did the same thing I do after our sessions - I instantly go into "action replay mode" and feel an IMMENSE pressure from inside to analyse the entire interaction for possible mistakes - the post event processing I learned about when dealing with social anxiety. I managed to use mindfulness to stop it, but it was very difficult.

However, when I got back, I wrote this PM to another friend, Adam. You and I talked about my babbling being my detached protector - but I think that might only be a small part of it. See what you think of this ... I know when I came back I had [a lot of impulsive urges] which suggests that the evening WAS stressful for me ... but equally I could have just let my teacher speak and taken the pressure off myself! I had gone there to get his advice after all! He did keep trying to talk ... anyway here is the PM I sent my friend:

just tonight I went to meet with my drum teacher. When I am around someone who I respect or want to impress, or who has some bearing on my future, I babble. Something pops up in the conversation and I get an idea. I chase off after it, realising half way through that in fact I am trying to bring up a story that makes me look good or display competence or understanding I wish to be approved of for (it didnt start that way but somehow...) ... and then suddenly I realise I have lost the script. Once Ive said the bit that i hoped to either impress them with or make them laugh with, I havent got a clue why I started spaeking, and then have to embarrassedly track my thoughts back. Then i realise that what i was saying had no damn connection AT ALL.

i caught myself doing it over and over tonight. I even pointed it out to him ... I said "why the hell do I keep babbling and losing my damn train of thought?". he was totally cool with it, where in the past I woulda just presumed he thought I was a dick and then rolled with that thought, feeling more and more stupid - so awareness did at least help there because I chose to mention it ... BUT I still carried on doing it anyway!! Yeah as you say, like watching a movie, even though I said to myself "pay some damn attention!". Still though, I have never actually pointed it out to someone before and apologised like that. I thought before that its my detched protector trying to intellectualise (We talked a little about it in therapy), but I dont think it is now, well at least not purely.

I think its partly my Self Aggrandizer trying to impress, and then I feel guilty for it .. and ashamed for trying to inflate myself or seek praise. I think I then punish myself for it, and then as I walk away, something inside me starts to worry if I have done something to ruin the relationship. I think I fear that my conceitedness and desire to impress will have made them angry or disgusted at me - and thats why the urge to rerun the scene is so powerful. Im scared of being left or abandoned for being conceited - Entitlement and Abandonment collide in a supernova! I think doing something different tonight might be a breakthrough there though - pointing it out. I dont feel bad about it looking back, where I would normally. I think thats the key. Awareness first, understanding the root and then doing something different. I think thats where the more emo therapy stuff blends with the CBT ... Keeping monitoring and getting that awareness. It almost develops out of sight, you just start to notice and question more but dont realise you are.. and then suddenly its like ALL UP IN YOUR FACE, too big to miss, and you can go .. hey mabbe I will do something different. It sure felt different anyway ... 

He had been noting how hard it is to change schema behaviour despite having awareness and it just sort of provided that clarity. So its possible then that when I babble wih you, I am in fact tryng to impress you with my psychology knowledge or wow you with my personal insight, which may or may not have any relevance to the discussion at all ... haha for some reason I find that really funny ... I guess its good if you can laugh at yourself ... _

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I am amazed at how comfortable I have become with total honesty about such unpleasant parts of my character ... but then she never makes me feel bad about it. We just look at why its there and start to understand what it is I feel I am missing and trying to get with that behaviour. Then Its about learning how to get that need met without having to go into a subconscious mode  Suddenly I have this acute awareness of why I babble around certain people, why I lose my train of thought, and why i can seem self-inflating to some. To others my personality will seem disordered, neurotic and self-centred. Knowing that this urge drives all my interactions with others, and then gradually removing the need for the urge by fulfilling the need in a healthier way ... changes my personality.

I expect to others all these things are obvious for all to see .. but as is always the same with schemas, you are the only one who cannot. Now I can .. wowz

Hurray


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

wow, personality change with schema sounds interesting. I wish I had the financial means to access a change. anyways,


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

keep 'em comin'


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