# Anyone struggle with depersonalization?



## Cheryl (Oct 26, 2009)

I don't remember when I got this symptom, but I think it spiked somewhere around when the abuse in my previous relationship began. I've felt very detached from reality - I can do things, like go to the park, but feel like I am not really there. When I get home, I sit back and say, "Oh, yeah, I did go to the park today, didn't I?" I can remember, I have memories, but they don't feel like physical memories. They feel like conjured up ideas. I've also noticed with exs, I have begun to shut them out - to pretend they don't exist. I can look at a picture of them and feel just a spike of anxiety/depression, and quickly shut it out. I feel nothing but negative when I speak with them, so I avoid them. 
Additionally, I have a fixation with people - an impulse control issue, I think. I feel that my hobby is association with people, but I have an obsession with it - I fixate on one specific person, need to talk to them consistently, etc. If they don't have the time, I fixate on being with/around someone else.


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## FallenofTrack (Jul 23, 2010)

Yeah, I have had depersonalization experiences as well. Wow, it's really validating to come on this site and see that other people have experienced the same thing. I didn't even know that there was such a disorder until I saw your thread and then I read about some of the symptoms associated with the disorder. I used to feel detached a lot a few years back. I would feel like I was in a daze and it would take a while to become clear minded again. It was such a werid experience, and even scary on a few occasions, because I would become detached when walking around town, especially if I was in an unfamilar area. Your example about going to the park and then having to think about whether or not you actually went because the experience of it just didn't seem real, hit home with me, because I used to experience that a lot. I would go some place and I would be so detached from it, that I would then think about the experience later on and try to recall the events that occurred.


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## TheGMan (Jun 10, 2004)

Yep. All the time. I have posted about it in this section. I used to be fully aware of a few short episodes over the past 8-10 years but lately it seems like it's my default setting. it seems like a coping mechanism for me during times that seem so bad they must be unreal.


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## PeopleAreStrange (Jun 4, 2009)

I've had derealization 24/7 for 10 months. But I'm done with counting. The key is to accept and it will eventually go away. Hang in there.


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## LALoner (Dec 3, 2008)

Welcome to my life.


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## deadkittens (Jan 19, 2010)

.......


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## endlessdisorder (Jul 24, 2010)

I used to have that all time, but it went away (for the most part) when my depression lessened. Sometimes I wish I still had it though. It made stuff a lot easier to handle it.


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## Manifold (May 14, 2010)

I used to have it when I was younger. It started when I was about 7 years old and lasted until 14. Never experienced it again after that.


It was a really odd experience. I knew I was there but it didn't feel that way, sort of like a dream. The perception of myself and my surroundings was deeply affected. It's hard to describe it even today.


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## Cheryl (Oct 26, 2009)

I've noticed my deper. seems to drop when I sleep. When I dream, I dream only about my two most recent exs that I have shut out in order to stop the pain and trauma. When I'm in these dreams, I feel very real. I wonder if it's possible that my mind is trying to expose me to my worst fears while I am most relaxed/unable to be hurt by it. Last night, I dreamed my recent ex, Caleb, had deleted me off facebook/disappeared/cut all contact. I am absolutely terrified of entirely losing people. I woke up and had to make sure he hadn't, it was that real.


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## ShyViolet (Nov 11, 2003)

I remember feeling a bad case of derealization when I was 7. Of course I didn't know the term at the time, but it was really freaky and I didn't know how to explain it so I didn't tell my parents. I have felt it a number of times over the years since then, but I think now that I know what it is it's easier to cope with.


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## cmp (Jun 24, 2010)

wow. This has been happening to me my entire life. I have tried so hard even since I was little to explain what it was like to my parents. They looked at me like I was crazy so I just stopped talking about it. I am on medication now and it has stopped a little but I still experience this several times a week. I feel like I am not real and nothing around me is real. Kinda of like a dream...but kinda not it is too hard to even explain or imagine unless you have experienced it for yourself. I just wish people would believe me and understand what I mean when I tell about this experience. It is a good feeling to hear that other people know exactly what I am feeling!


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## Xephere (Jul 29, 2009)

I think I may have the same problem. For a while now I've had this strange haze over my vision that would make everything look like a dream. When I'm under extreme stress, it's almost like I'm watching a movie or something. 

Everything seems like a big blur. My short term memory isn't very good, and on top of that nothing remotely excites or interests me. I also daydream a lot so that helps me feel even more detached from my physical environment.


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## Belshazzar (Apr 12, 2010)

I feel like depersonalization is almost my default state of existence. But it's not necessarily always negative. Sometimes life feels like a nightmare, and sometimes it feels like a dream (why isn't there a word opposite to nightmare?).


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## Chopkinsca (Jun 16, 2006)

I'm constantly "spaced out" in a derealization state. Everything feels like a dream, memories and experiences are fuzzy. I find the more anxious I feel, the further I derealize. Yep, it's my life.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Yup, been diagnosed with DPD, emphasis on severe derealization. I've explained it so much on this forum, I'm just going to leave it at that. It's hell. The only other user I know who has it as much as me is shadowmask but he probably got tired of explaining it, too. Hah.


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## thebirdsaresinging (Aug 6, 2010)

*Dependent Personality Disorder and AUTONOMY.*

It's funny, all I did last night was type into the google search bar "I feel dumb and retarded" and one of the first few links took me here. I've been struggling with social anxiety, dependency, depersonalization(!) for a good long while, though I'm only 23. Read all your posts. Reached Homersxchild's DPD post and ran to wikipedia to (re)read everything.

"Autonomy for the accommodating dependent: focus on adaptation, or how to respond to the changing environment."

So important.


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## Cheryl (Oct 26, 2009)

I'm just tired of this 2-D feeling. I feel like I know that I am existent, but I don't feel like it. I definitely felt something more than this as a kid, but I honestly can't remember the feeling. I get brief swings of emotions..love, sorrow, etc, and then my brain just shoves it out and goes back to its comfortable numbness. It doesn't make me anxious - I'm so used to the feeling. It just sucks.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

thebirdsaresinging said:


> Reached Homersxchild's DPD post and ran to wikipedia to (re)read everything.


I don't have Dependent Personality Disorder, mistake of an abbreviation, DPD stands for Depersonalization Disorder, you know, what this topic is about.


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## Justonekitty (Apr 12, 2010)

My entire relationship with my ex is depersonalized. It seems so surreal like a dream. We traveled to a few states together and I met him on the net. No one knew about him except a couple of friends and they didnt know how I met him. It was my first relationship. Its very weird when I think about it. It really was like a dream. Its the strangest feeling in the world. I have some bad childhood memories like that and chunks that I just dont remember.


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## dizzyizzy919 (Aug 7, 2010)

every once in a while i have an experience with depersonalization. for example, when my boyfriend and i first got together it would be the same as the park reference. i would late be like "oh yeah, he is my boyfriend, isn't he?" and even now i hafta constantly remind myself he's my boyfriend. and even though i pretty much know as a fact we're together i feel very emotionally detached about it.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Homersxchild said:


> The only other user I know who has it as much as me is shadowmask but he probably got tired of explaining it, too. Hah.


Well, maybe a little. :b That, and I've lived with it for so long, it's not necessarily much of a problem anymore (not to say I wouldn't love to get rid of it). I've learned (or been forced) to cope, which is pretty easy considering the memories of what it's like to be DP free is hazy at best. It's been over ten years now since I've experienced "reality". I suffer from the typical symptoms, 2d vision, brain fog, dream-like dissociation, emotional blunting, all that good stuff. They remain consistent seperate from my anxiety. I believe in my case it's tied to emotional trauma and depression. I've noticed when I'm in a really good mood the dampened emotional reactions and brain fog lift a bit. I relate to what you mentioned about the manufactured feeling of memories, Cheryl. It's also hard for me to differentiate between what actually happened and what I created in my imagination. They both "feel" the same, if you know what I mean.

Do you ever go on dpselfhelp.com? It was a pretty good community the last time I was there, I haven't really checked it out in months though.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

Yeah, I've basically learned to live with it by now. I wouldn't say that I learned how to cope with it though, I keep designing tattoos that describe it haha. Probably not the best way to cope with it. I don't expect it to go away any time soon. Not that I'm not making my way through various medications. Abilify actually started working! I had flashes of reality, but then I had a horrible reaction and couldn't get off the floor for days. Sad, really. 

I'm on dpself.com but I don't go there often. Its always the same repeated crap. 'Do other people get this?' 'I want to kill myself' etc. Its way too pessimistic for me and not active enough. I prefer SAS.


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## oliveyou (Sep 26, 2012)

SPREAD AWARENESS ABOUT DEPERSONALIZATION
No one knows what depersonalization is, and it is a big problem. My psychologist had no clue how to deal with me. I'm trying to put together a pamphlet of different people's experiences and hand them out to local doctors. I won't be psychologist for another 8 years and we can't wait that long. People are suffering and need help. What I'm asking you to do is write a testemony in my inbox. How much you suffered, how no one understood you, what brought it on, what past experiences added to it, how you coped, and most importantly, how NO ONE KNEW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. I believe when psychologists see the pain people are going through, they'll begin to speak up and reach out. I will be printing out these testimonies and putting them in a book which I will hand out to every psychologist and psychiatrist within a 100 mile radius of me. My dad is also a doctor and is able to help me send these letters out to a mass amount of people. Please, send me your testimony. I'm aiming for 100. All will be anonymous of course, unless you want your name written down. They can be as short or as long as you please. You can be facing dp or dr right now, or in recovery. Lets just do this, please. No more living in lonely agony. LET'S SOLVE THIS! LET YOUR FRIENDS KNOW!

PS you can always inbox me to talk, this is what I am dedicating my life to.
email your testemonies to [email protected]


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## losermanlol (Sep 23, 2012)

I tend to analyse in real time, everything that leaves my lips.

I am constantly trying to tune the response.

I might ever say that I would rather agree with someone slightly than disagree, or just nod my head lol, but not really agree.

Most times I feel that I'm not really there. Then again, some times I do.

Or maybe I think I do :S


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I've started to realize that I've been doing this since I was really, really young. When I was three, four years old I remember being abused by my mom. I called her my monster (or momster). I vaguely remember being abused in almost every way that you can imagine that someone can be abused. I had dishes, glasses thrown at me, was punched, slapped, kicked. I'm pretty sure that's when I learned how to "go somewhere else". I could literally leave what was happening...be there, but not really be there in my head if that makes sense. I would totally detach. I remember everything appearing to be two dimensional, flat, sort of not real. I've always been able to "tune things out". My parents have always had these really nasty fights, and I would just go somewhere else in my head. I also have had huge memory lapses before. Not sure if that's related to depersonalization or not.


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## losermanlol (Sep 23, 2012)

It's like the situation, once it reaches a point that a person cannot handle, the brain just either chooses to or just shut down in certain areas.


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## GirlAnachronism (Sep 27, 2012)

I have depersonalization too. I've had it since before I can even remember. I actually didn't know there was a name for it until I was 14. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this  But I know how difficult it can be to live with. I constantly feel as if I'm living in a dream, and like I'm detached from myself. Like my body is not my own. My hands will do things and my mind will not realize what they're doing. I feel like I'm just floating all the time. It's kind of strange that I feel like it effects me ALL the time, because I know a lot of people just have episodes of it sometimes. 

I'm sorry you're going through that though. It's your brain's way of coping with difficult, anxiety provoking people/situations. Maybe you'd be worse off without the depersonalization because you'd be too anxious or depressed to deal with your problems. I think it also happens a lot with abuse, so that could be why it got worse after you were abused by your ex.


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## GirlAnachronism (Sep 27, 2012)

shadowmask said:


> Well, maybe a little. :b That, and I've lived with it for so long, it's not necessarily much of a problem anymore (not to say I wouldn't love to get rid of it). I've learned (or been forced) to cope, which is pretty easy considering the memories of what it's like to be DP free is hazy at best. It's been over ten years now since I've experienced "reality". I suffer from the typical symptoms, 2d vision, brain fog, dream-like dissociation, emotional blunting, all that good stuff. They remain consistent seperate from my anxiety. I believe in my case it's tied to emotional trauma and depression. I've noticed when I'm in a really good mood the dampened emotional reactions and brain fog lift a bit. I relate to what you mentioned about the manufactured feeling of memories, Cheryl. It's also hard for me to differentiate between what actually happened and what I created in my imagination. They both "feel" the same, if you know what I mean.
> 
> Do you ever go on dpselfhelp.com? It was a pretty good community the last time I was there, I haven't really checked it out in months though.


 Wow. That sounds exactly like me. Except I don't actually remember a time in my life that I didn't have depersonalization. I remember when I was like 6 years old I looked in the mirror and felt like it wasn't me. And I started to wonder why I always felt like everything was dream-like, and thought that maybe not everyone else felt this way. When I was 14, I was telling my friend who has Schizophrenia about it, and he told me it was dissociation and depersonalization, and that he had it too. I remember crying for weeks because I had had no idea that there was actually a name for it, and that other people experienced it too.

It's a pretty bad problem for me, but I guess I've gotten use to it for the most part. If I didn't try to get use to it, I wouldn't be able to function or do anything. It's separate from my anxiety, but I think it might get worse when I'm anxious...or sometimes it's so bad that it makes me more anxious. I also can't really differentiate between what happened and what's in my mind a lot. I wish I could explain that better...

I've never heard of any sites that help with depersonalization. I've looked up sites for dissociation, but most of them have a lot of people with DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I don't have more than one identity..so that doesn't really help me.


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## MollyAmins (Sep 25, 2012)

I've definitely experienced depersonalization and derealization. I'll often feel completely out of touch with reality, like I'm in a movie or in a literal glass jar. The world will feel blurry and sort of closed in, and it will often look very two-dimensional. I feel very detached, like I'm just drifting through life without truly coming into contact with it, just a quiet observer. It can be very unnerving, but sometimes it's okay. I describe it sometimes as feeling as if I'm outside my own body, like I'm not an actual being.


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