# Is it ok not to want to meet my half-sister?



## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Hello everyone. I come here for advice because this is such an amazing community and you've helped me a lot in the past  Thank you.

So here is my problem I would like advice on.
My father has been terrible to me my whole life. He never physically hurt me. He just was absent all the time. I had to cope with him never showing up when he said he'd pick me up, not picking up the phone when I would call him, fake promises etc. To say it briefly, he never bothered to actually try and see me, and he never gave us any real financial support though my mom really had trouble making ends meet. I grew more and more disappointed and sad until finally, I decided not to talk to him anymore and erase him from my life. It made me feel so much better.

At first he didn't notice, but now, 4 years later, he's using his daughter, my half-sister, to get to me. She added me to facebook and I couldn't ignore her. I don't even know exactly how old she is, i'm guessing around 10-12. The reason I don't know her is because I never saw my dad, so I never saw her either....
She says she misses me and wants to see me, and even though I don't feel like I have a connection with her, I just can't refuse a little girl who wants to see her big sister. What bothers me is I know 100% my father is behind all this. He's too coward to talk to me himself! It enrages me. She tells me dad is happy with my school results... like, WHAT? He's happy with them?!! Well it's no thanks to him I'm getting an education! I want to scream at him. And she tells me we will meet up, with our father. She asks me how is school (what kind of 10 y/o asks that?? that's how I know my father is behind the computer too), asks me why i'm angry my my father... 
I really, really don't want to meet up! Is it wrong of me I don't particularly crave a relationship with this girl I have seen maybe 3 times in my life? It hurts too much still to be reminded of my father.... I know it's an ambush
I don't know what to do, I feel trapped....


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

I think you should really tell him how you feel.


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

I think you should tell him how you feel while not involving your half-sister. She's basically communicating under guidance from him so she shouldn't be the target. Facebook allows you to put people in different "Friend Lists" so only certain people can see photos, feed items, chat with you, etc. Maybe put her in a list where she's still your friend but she can't put you on the spot. I'm really hesitant to directly penalize your half-sister for the actions of an adult. Others may disagree. 

In the meantime, I'd inform your Dad through other channels (e-mail, letter, etc.) that you wish no contact and that you would appreciate if he did not use family members as back doors for communication.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

I don't feel ready, especially because I know he'll just stand there and won't open up to me in return or apologize and I will feel even worse after that...
I remember once in my teenage years he asked me to write him a letter with everything I felt wasn't going right with him and my life. I did, and he never answered or mentionned it ever again. Can you imagine how frustrating that is?


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

Marni3 said:


> I don't feel ready, especially because I know he'll just stand there and won't open up to me in return or apologize and I will feel even worse after that...
> I remember once in my teenage years he asked me to write him a letter with everything I felt wasn't going right with him and my life. I did, and he never answered or mentionned it ever again. Can you imagine how frustrating that is?


If you're not ready, there's no need to rush. It's only when you make your final decision that you need to commit to it. Whatever you decide, it's up to you. If he didn't respond to the letter, perhaps he was hoping that you writing it would simply help get it out of your system. Sometimes writing stuff does. Maybe he was hopeful that, after your letter, things could move forward. If there is to be a relationship, communication needs to exist. Silence won't work. It's probably the silence that lead him to the Facebook friendship with your half-sister.

I've thought of something else. There is the possibility that he realizes what he did and how absent he was. Perhaps he is sincerely remorseful and has regret. Maybe he'd like to erase that piece of the past and regain contact with you. Recent events would explain that. Among the questions asked was how you were doing in school. It seems like he cares. Maybe it's a good idea to think about it before you respond. People make mistakes. Forgiveness is an admirable quality.


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## ashleyskye (Jan 6, 2015)

I know she is a kid, but I dont think its wrong to tell her that you just arent interested. She is old enough to understand.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

I am not really interested in meeting her. I feel a bit guilty about that.
The fact is, she's going to want to meet up with her parents, and I really can't handle that.
Just after a few messages she sent me mentioning my "father" I started crying and I did so for the entire evening afterwards. It's one of those wounds you just can't heal, and seeing her or having her even mention my father will hurt me a lot.
I'm hoping that if I see her once I will have fulfilled my duty and she will lose interest. 
I'm kinda scared the rest of my family will think I'm extremely selfish for not wanting to see her. I know it's not her fault. But I don't understand why we need to have a relationship... It's not my responsibility to take care of the children my father has, right? ugh but i really feel trapped


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

shorefog said:


> I've thought of something else. There is the possibility that he realizes what he did and how absent he was. Perhaps he is sincerely remorseful and has regret. Maybe he'd like to erase that piece of the past and regain contact with you. Recent events would explain that. Among the questions asked was how you were doing in school. It seems like he cares. Maybe it's a good idea to think about it before you respond. People make mistakes. Forgiveness is an admirable quality.


He is not remorseful. Or if he is, he's way too proud to even admit it to himself. You must know I'm not the only child he has done that to.
My older half sister went through the same and eventually got adopted by her stepfather and changed her name to his. She also has no more contact with our father. 
After my mom left him because of him constantly cheating on her, he moved on to another woman and got 2 boys with her which he also doesn't care or provide for. And after that, another woman, with a boy and girl, and he's now stuck with that last woman because he's too old now to have women fall for him. He just goes from woman to woman and leaves them alone with kids they have to provide for.

Now that I'm succeeding in college he says he's "happy with my results"? like, it satisfies him? He had no role in it AT ALL. He was a burden. How is he not ashamed to tell me that. The only thing that should come out of his mouth when he's talking to me should be that he is sorry. But he acts like a tough guy and that will not do.

He wrecked my self esteem. That's what feeling like your own father doesn't give a **** about you does to you. I'm going to live with that my whole life. So I cannot forgive him. He didn't even have the decency to ask for my forgiveness anyway!


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Base on your post, there's a possibility it might not even be your half sister who wants to meet you, but simply your dad using her name to talk to you. If thats the case, you're pretty much just rejecting your dad, not your half sister.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Blue Dino said:


> Base on your post, there's a possibility it might not even be your half sister who wants to meet you, but simply your dad using her name to talk to you. If thats the case, you're pretty much just rejecting your dad, not your half sister.


It seems like it, but if it really is her, I don't want to be mean to a 10 year old :um


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Marni3 said:


> It seems like it, but if it really is her, I don't want to be mean to a 10 year old :um


Do you know how things are between her and your dad? I guess you could always suck it up and bond with her. If you guys end up growing close, when she's older, you can turn her against your dad. :lol


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Blue Dino said:


> Do you know how things are between her and your dad? I guess you could always suck it up and bond with her. If you guys end up growing close, when she's older, you can turn her against your dad. :lol


I have no idea how their relationship is, like I said I only saw her 3 times or so. But since she's younger and our father lives with her I suppose it's an okay normal father-daughter relationship?
But yeah I don't care about turning her against our father, one I'm trying to move on, and 2 i think she'll realize it by herself as she gets older


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

You've seen her 3 times, you don't have a relationship with her. It's not like you're cutting her out of your life because she never was in your life and your only connection to her is through your dad. So don't worry about being mean to a 10 year old, she'll forget you. I understand it's hard, I'm not currently on speaking terms with a certain family member and so that also means not seeing her children, but it's important to realize it's just blood, she's not your sister, she didn't grow up with you, there's no bond there, so you're not hurting her.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Shameful said:


> You've seen her 3 times, you don't have a relationship with her. It's not like you're cutting her out of your life because she never was in your life and your only connection to her is through your dad. So don't worry about being mean to a 10 year old, she'll forget you. I understand it's hard, I'm not currently on speaking terms with a certain family member and so that also means not seeing her children, but it's important to realize it's just blood, she's not your sister, she didn't grow up with you, there's no bond there, so you're not hurting her.


That's how I feel. I don't even think of her as family because I never see her. I mean I don't even know her age or her interests etc. 
I just don't know how you tell someone you're not interested in having a relationship? I don't want her to feel like I did when my dad rejected me


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Well I am genuinely busy right now (in the middle of exams)
Shouldn't even be here but this is really on my mind a lot

Just scared she (well, my father really) won't let go
But I guess we'll see I'll just delay. 
When college classes start again next month I'll be busy every week day and most weekends so... :blank
I just wish I could go away to a far away land


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## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

Shameful said:


> You've seen her 3 times, you don't have a relationship with her. It's not like you're cutting her out of your life because she never was in your life and your only connection to her is through your dad. So don't worry about being mean to a 10 year old, she'll forget you. I understand it's hard, I'm not currently on speaking terms with a certain family member and so that also means not seeing her children, but it's important to realize it's just blood, she's not your sister, she didn't grow up with you, there's no bond there, so you're not hurting her.


Right!

Don't worry abt her, like you said its just your dad using her..BC if she really missed you she would have came around more than 3 times..

As for your dad, I wouldn't give him the time of day... He had so many years to reach out , but he did nothing..and you tried, you explained in a letter how you felt ,called etc...

Now the ball is in his court.. U did your part.


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## SupahNinjaCat (Nov 2, 2013)

Its seems like a story of my grandfather
he keeps seducing women and ran away after bearing a child from a woman and he has *ALOT *of children, he even has a 12 year old daughter and my mom is currently forty-years old.

When he died half of his children didnt visited the funeral but my family did and before my grandfather died he pleaded to my mom to visit him but she refused because he abandoned her in the end she cried in his funeral regretting her decision...
*SO TRUST ME *you should meet up with your father and talk about your feelings directly to him no matter how icky it sounds just to fill a hole in your heart and he might open up to you after you said your certain feeling. *ITS COMPLETELY OKAY TO CRY WHILE SAYING YOUR FEELINGS TO HIM*


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

SupahNinjaCat said:


> Its seems like a story of my grandfather
> he keeps seducing women and ran away after bearing a child from a woman and he has *ALOT *of children, he even has a 12 year old daughter and my mom is currently forty-years old.
> 
> When he died half of his children didnt visited the funeral but my family did and before my grandfather died he pleaded to my mom to visit him but she refused because he abandoned her in the end she cried in his funeral regretting her decision...
> *SO TRUST ME *you should meet up with your father and talk about your feelings directly to him no matter how icky it sounds just to fill a hole in your heart and he might open up to you after you said your certain feeling. *ITS COMPLETELY OKAY TO CRY WHILE SAYING YOUR FEELINGS TO HIM*


I disagree.
Maybe in a few years I'll have the strength to do that but there's really no rush so I think I can wait before I'm ready (if I ever am). 
My father never pleaded for me to see him, he just uses his daughter now to try and trick me into seeing him. Maybe if he'd actually ask himself and be honest and direct instead of resorting to cheap tricks, and maybe if he actually apologized, at least once, and sincerely, I would talk to him
But I doubt any of these things will happen anytime soon

Thanks for your advice anyway.


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## SupahNinjaCat (Nov 2, 2013)

Marni3 said:


> I disagree.
> Maybe in a few years I'll have the strength to do that but there's really no rush so I think I can wait before I'm ready (if I ever am).
> My father never pleaded for me to see him, he just uses his daughter now to try and trick me into seeing him. Maybe if he'd actually ask himself and be honest and direct instead of resorting to cheap tricks, and maybe if he actually apologized, at least once, and sincerely, I would talk to him
> But I doubt any of these things will happen anytime soon
> ...


No problem, Its just up to you when you're ready to meet-up with him


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Honestly, its a bit of a guilt-trip situation which can be tricky.. but if i was in ur shoes... id say to ur little half sister really politely and nicely that its a shame u didnt get to know her more and under other circumstances you'd like to meet her, however, your/her father and yourself have had soo much distance and awkwardness over the years that you'd prefer to stay away from him and anything connected from him as you fear it will end up badly. I always think being honest and forward is the best, so long as ur not rude or insulting. if she takes it unwell, at least u know u said it in the correct and nicest way.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Bunnymoo7 said:


> Honestly, its a bit of a guilt-trip situation which can be tricky.. but if i was in ur shoes... id say to ur little half sister really politely and nicely that its a shame u didnt get to know her more and under other circumstances you'd like to meet her, however, your/her father and yourself have had soo much distance and awkwardness over the years that you'd prefer to stay away from him and anything connected from him as you fear it will end up badly. I always think being honest and forward is the best, so long as ur not rude or insulting. if she takes it unwell, at least u know u said it in the correct and nicest way.


Thanks, I think that's probably the best (and only) option... Now the tough part is how exactly I'm going to explain that nicely to a 10-12 y/o... 
And I know I'm still going to feel guilty. 
But there's probably no better choice

Thank you all for your help, it was nice to see people understanding my problem and not judging me or thinking that I am selfish.


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Marni3 said:


> Thanks, I think that's probably the best (and only) option... Now the tough part is how exactly I'm going to explain that nicely to a 10-12 y/o...
> And I know I'm still going to feel guilty.
> But there's probably no better choice
> 
> Thank you all for your help, it was nice to see people understanding my problem and not judging me or thinking that I am selfish.


Ur welcome. And shes not that young. She should understand at least a little even if shes dissapointed. And if she doesnt know, perhaps when shes older she'll be able to understand and respect ur decision more


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

I can actually relate to some of this. My dad too was a total deadbeat and was never there for me. It was mainly my mom and grandma who raised me and he wouldn't pay child support until my mother sent him to court. (I even remember being there, funnily enough, as young as I was.) Anyway, safe to say we were never on good terms. I haven't seen him since I was 12.

As with your sister, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to meet her. I myself have a lot of half-siblings and I never felt any desire to meet them at all. I know sometimes some people will try and make me feel guilty about it, but the truth is, just because you guys share DNA does not mean you are obligated to want to meet them. Unfortunately, there are always some people who will try and make you think otherwise but it's not so. It's *your* decision to make. Don't for one second let them make you think otherwise. It really sounds like your dad is manipulating you through your sister, which is a giant red flag to me. Since there is no bond there or relationship, it's understandable why you'd see her as a stranger. That's what they essentially are.

That being said, I'm really very tired of having various people tell me I'm an ******* for not wanting anything to do with him or his side of the family. Knowing how toxic he is, I know better. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that just because you guys are related does not in any way mean you are obligated to love and care for them or respect them. Very early on I learned that blood alone doesn't make a family. Life experiences, love, and respect are what makes a family, which I share none of those key things with them. If a person is toxic, or just an *******, then it's really for the best that they not be in your life, regardless if you're related or not. They are really just strangers to me, as I'm sure you feel similarly too. Anyway, I get how you feel.


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## Catty (Jan 4, 2010)

If you don't mind me saying this, I think you really would like to meet your little sister but it's your dad who's putting you off. 

Could you not exchange letters and cards? You can get her handwriting then and it makes it more easier than communicating on FB. You could write to her through normal mail in the post and form a penfriendship with your sister. Could you get another family member (adult) to be there for when you meet your sister?

IMHO you don't want to see your dad and you don't have to meet him. Maybe you should talk about it with your mum or friends that you trust, and explain how you would like to get to know your sister a little more but not see your dad.


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Perkins said:


> I can actually relate to some of this. My dad too was a total deadbeat and was never there for me. It was mainly my mom and grandma who raised me and he wouldn't pay child support until my mother sent him to court. (I even remember being there, funnily enough, as young as I was.) Anyway, safe to say we were never on good terms. I haven't seen him since I was 12.
> 
> As with your sister, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to meet her. I myself have a lot of half-siblings and I never felt any desire to meet them at all. I know sometimes some people will try and make me feel guilty about it, but the truth is, just because you guys share DNA does not mean you are obligated to want to meet them. Unfortunately, there are always some people who will try and make you think otherwise but it's not so. It's *your* decision to make. Don't for one second let them make you think otherwise. It really sounds like your dad is manipulating you through your sister, which is a giant red flag to me. Since there is no bond there or relationship, it's understandable why you'd see her as a stranger. That's what they essentially are.
> 
> That being said, I'm really very tired of having various people tell me I'm an ******* for not wanting anything to do with him or his side of the family. Knowing how toxic he is, I know better. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that just because you guys are related does not in any way mean you are obligated to love and care for them or respect them. Very early on I learned that blood alone doesn't make a family. Life experiences, love, and respect are what makes a family, which I share none of those key things with them. If a person is toxic, or just an *******, then it's really for the best that they not be in your life, regardless if you're related or not. They are really just strangers to me, as I'm sure you feel similarly too. Anyway, I get how you feel.


I think you can totally relate cause our situations are so similar!
Thanks for your opinion. I'm pretty sure I know I'm just going to tell her that I'm not interested now. The only thing that makes me stressed out is how to tell her :blank


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

Guys I still haven't found the nerves to tell her I don't want to meet... Ugh
Now she talks to me on facebook and I hardly want to answer because I feel it's all info that's going to go to my dad and I hate that. I know it's probably being a little paranoid.
But I want no info on me going to him, he doesn't deserve it!


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## Marni3 (Dec 7, 2013)

I kind of want to block her on facebook and not have to deal with it anymore since I'm never going to see her in real life anyway but I feel like that's not really fair


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Just explain that it's not her fault and it isn't personal, but you're not capable of a relationship with her right now due to your father. Hopefully she'll respect that for now.


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## tonyhd71 (Jul 27, 2014)

I have a half-sister way older than me that I've never really thought much about.

I've been curious in meeting her, but it just seems pointless. She's like 40 years old, justseems like an ackward thing I should avoid.


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