# Had a dear online friend...and now I don't



## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

I'm at the point I have almost no friends in my everyday life. The two that remain live so far from me that we mostly communicate online, so even they feel like online friends. Anyway, for years, the best way I've been able to connect with anyone has been online. And even that is hard because my social anxiety extends into the online world as well. Even there, I've had trouble opening up and expressing myself. 

To make a long story short, a few years ago I made a good friend online. I felt a connection with him. Recently, he stopped answering my e-mails. I thought he was just busy. But then I found out that he blocked me on all of his accounts. I tried confronting him about it peacefully in a room where we both would occasionally chat, and he immediately left. I mean, just my name popping up made him run. The thing that is most upsetting about it is that it came after I let him hear my voice for the first time. I'd heard his voice many times, but had always been too afraid to do anything but type back. So I finally got up the courage to speak, which was extremely hard for me, and now I've been totally cut off. And let me tell you, this does nothing to help my anxiety.

I've had trouble sleeping for a few nights now. It's 8:15 in the morning and I'm still awake. Not so much because of him, but because this incident forces me to look at how empty I really feel. I can go for long stretches without paying much attention to that gaping hole, but this experience is making me feel it. Bad. My friendship with him was always a small source of entertainment and happiness. A bright spot. If my day was f'd up, I knew I could go online, and interacting with him made me feel better. And now, that's all gone, and I'm left wondering what it is about me that is so undesirable or weird. What did I say or do to cause such a reaction? And also, what is going to replace that bright spot for me?

I know that my therapist is going to tell me to reach out to people in real life. She's always recommending that I go to more social events to meet people, even advising me to strike up conversations with strangers. She has helped me in some ways, but I feel like she has no concept of how crippling my social anxiety can be. Part of the problem is that I don't want any more "real life" friends. I don't trust people. I hate people. At least online, I can take them in the doses I can handle them. But even that has turned out to be a failure.

On a similar note, I've been pretty active on another forum lately, although people rarely respond to my posts there and I have no friends there. A couple of nights ago, I started a thread of my own. I actually got a good discussion going. Then the moderator deleted the entire thread for being inappropriate. I have no idea why. So, yeah, I'm starting to feel like it's me. 

I'm just lying here, sleepless and exhausted, wondering what is wrong with me that I managed to drive my friend away. And wondering what is going to replace this feeling for me. I just feel totally empty. I can feel my depression setting in again, when it had improved quite a bit over the last few months. But this is making me realize how...nothing...my life is. I'm just going through the motions with absolutely no enjoyment, little human connection, and a string of failures in every aspect of my life.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

Online friends are fickle. I found trying to get too invested in them causes pain. You think they will stick around but then one day they are just gone. Never to be seen again. It shows that people like us, lacking in friends, tend to put too much emphasis on our one source of *possible* friendships. Meanwhile people who aren't socially inept don't really put much thought into it. They tend to see it as passing the time with a random stranger rather than trying to build a long lasting friendship. 

Your chances of building a long term thing on the internet is quite slim. Sure you can give each other skype and what-not, try to keep in contact, but in reality you still sort of need a physical bond to really keep anyone around.Otherwise what usually happens is they eventually just become another username in your skype list that you end up never talking to.


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## gamingpup (Jul 10, 2013)

Well your friend sounds like a complete **** lol. How about finding people on SAS that live near you build up a bond and meet them? While some people on SAS can be really shallow most of us are all in the same boat so its pretty easy to relate with each other? Hope things look up I hate the feeling of being caged in a loneliness that you think you've created for yourself


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## NatalieM (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm really sorry that's happened. The poster above me is right. We put way too much emphasis on friendships. Especially with online friends, it's easy to see them as perfect, because you only see parts of their personality. They aren't. They really aren't. They are just like everyone else. The important thing for you to do now is to take care and account of your own behaviour. You want to stop obsessing over this person who has decided to remove themselves from your life. They have made the mistake - not you. Every time you think of them, or check out their online activity, note it. Even write it down it you have to. Then try and distract yourself. Play tetris if you have to! Anything to stop yourself from obsessing. 

It'll take time, but eventually you will be able to work through this period and in the future you will have this experience to help you in other relationships. I hope I've been of any use to you whatsoever. I've had a similar experience. I wasn't strong at the time, I made a lot of stupid mistakes and felt horrible about myself. I'm stronger now. x


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## NatalieM (Jun 19, 2014)

gamingpup said:


> Well your friend sounds like a complete **** lol.


Haha yes, basically :clap


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

Thanks to all of you who responded. It really helps.

I absolutely agree with the two of you who said that we put too much emphasis on online friendships. This has been a problem for me for quite a long time. I do tend to get wrapped up in a fantasy of what I think could happen, what I think a particular person is, and also what I want that person to think of me. And I know it when it's happening. I'm conscious of my own self-manipulation. I managed to avoid this trap for a few years, until I met this particular person. In addition to having social anxiety, I also have avoidant personality, and sometimes I choose to live in a fantasy world, even at my own expense. I agree that socially confident people do not run into this problem. They handle online relationships for what they are: interactions with strangers. For me, it has often become addictive.

As much as this has been hurtful over the last week, I want to take the opportunity to remind myself...again...that it's pointless to get wrapped up in online friendships. I just need to find something to fill the void.


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## ByMyself19 (Feb 5, 2014)

inthewater said:


> I'm at the point I have almost no friends in my everyday life. The two that remain live so far from me that we mostly communicate online, so even they feel like online friends. Anyway, for years, the best way I've been able to connect with anyone has been online. And even that is hard because my social anxiety extends into the online world as well. Even there, I've had trouble opening up and expressing myself.
> 
> To make a long story short, a few years ago I made a good friend online. * I felt a connection with him. Recently, he stopped answering my e-mails. I thought he was just busy. But then I found out that he blocked me on all of his accounts. I tried confronting him about it peacefully in a room where we both would occasionally chat, and he immediately left. I mean, just my name popping up made him run. The thing that is most upsetting about it is that it came after I let him hear my voice for the first time. I'd heard his voice many times, but had always been too afraid to do anything but type back. So I finally got up the courage to speak, which was extremely hard for me, and now I've been totally cut off. And let me tell you, this does nothing to help my anxiety.*
> 
> ...


Reading this made me really sad.. I can understand your inner pain..It's so frustrating when people bring hopes to your life and then suddenly abandon you..He is heartless for doing such cruel thing to you..If he had a problem with your voice at least he must confront you without ignoring and hiding from you like a coward.I can feel that you are in a massive emotional pain now which I have had experienced before..Us people with SA are hyper sensitive so it's hard for us to forget someone quickly whom we felt a connection with..even an ex online friend.It will take some days to fade away your pain..Remember that god will punish him for emotionally hurting an innocent girl like you.

We can't trust all the people we meet online..We never know what's the true face behind their mask.But as someone said before here in SAS forum we can meet people who are in same boat like us so they know how we feel,we think.You can make better online friends here who actually care about you without taking advantage of you. :hug


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## Randomguy555 (Apr 26, 2014)

Yup it sucks. Special people come in and out of your life all the time. 

Time to find a new online besty!


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## Sarah86 (Jun 27, 2014)

The internet is great for some things, and I've had two online friends for over 10 years now. One is a bit aloof, and forgets how to type or use email, but that's just him, and I've come to accept that. I love to write, and therefore he gets tons of emails. He doesn't like to communicate much, so I hear from him every once in a while. My other friend and I talk pretty much every day, unless he's on leave, or in-between deployments. I've met a lot of people online, who claim to be my "friend", but then disappear when it's no longer convenient, or the novelty of it all has worn off and they're running to the next "friendship" which will inevitably end the same.

The way I look at life, is that if you're important to me, and in my world, then you are my friend. The degree of friendship does not correlate to whether it is in person, or through the computer. Of course we place a lot of emphasis on friendships, as these are the people we choose to be in our lives, and to share our life stories with. These are the people who are supposed to make a difference. If this person was a jerk to you online, you can bet they are the same way in real life.

It's easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself. If you did not live up to their expectations, whatever they were, then it's just that...their expectations, and we're not here to live up to them. 

You obviously cared for this person, as their disappearance has had an effect on you. Unfortunately, it might just be time to let them go, and allow yourself to go through the grief process and move on to healing. It hurts, and it isn't always easy, but you have made the first step in reaching out and seeking support.

Hopefully, you will be open to forming new friendships, and will not allow the actions of another to jade you in your moving forward. You are amongst people who have shared your life experiences in one form or another, so you have a world of support at your fingertips, 24/7.

Best wishes for your heart to heal....{{{hugs}}}


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

Sarah86 said:


> I've met a lot of people online, who claim to be my "friend", but then disappear when it's no longer convenient, or the novelty of it all has worn off and they're running to the next "friendship" which will inevitably end the same.
> 
> The way I look at life, is that if you're important to me, and in my world, then you are my friend. The degree of friendship does not correlate to whether it is in person, or through the computer.
> 
> It's easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself. If you did not live up to their expectations, whatever they were, then it's just that...their expectations, and we're not here to live up to them.


Today was my day off, and I had a lot of time to think about all of this. I have mellowed out a little, compared to how I felt this morning. But I feel the same way you do, Sarah86. It doesn't matter if a friend is in my everyday life or online life, they're still my friend. But I guess I took this friendship to heart more than he did. I knew him for about four years, but we really got close over the last year and a half. So, to be suddenly dropped and blocked, without any kind of warning, is just perplexing. Also, when I talked to him with my voice, he was very kind and flattering about it. I thought it went nicely. This reaction is just confusing.

I guess that is a big part of what bothers me. I wish I knew why this happened. Even if it is some irrational thing in his head, and I'm guessing it must be, I wish he would tell me what it is. But I know I will likely never find out.

Right now, I am pretty leery of making any new online friends. Or any kind of new friends, for that matter. But online friends especially, because it so easy for them to do something like this and not care if they hurt you. And you may never even know who they really were. I have been burned this way in the past, but online friendships appeal to me because I am able to keep that comfortable distance.

I think I am going to wait a couple of weeks and e-mail him one more time, and ask if he can at least give me an explanation for his behavior. I am sure I won't get one, but I am going to try. After that, I will abandon it for good.

I haven't been a member here very long, so I never even considered looking for friends here. I am not even sure how to go about doing that. But maybe I will try. I know that many people here know how it feels to live this way.

I am lucky in my "real life" that I am not entirely alone. I am not single, so I have that support. The problem is that I am not able to express to him the depth of my SA or my depression. He knows I suffer from both, but I have a very hard time expressing my emotions, even to him. He does not comprehend how hard it is for me to go out in public or even go to work at times. But everyone wants friends outside of their relationship, and I barely have that right now. As I mentioned earlier, my two closest real life friends live a couple of time zones from me, so I have reached out to others online; and this is where it got me. I am also older than those of you who responded, and I think it just gets harder and harder to make friends as we age.

Anyway, thanks for all of the words of support. I am still really frustrated with this situation, and still depressed about it. I'm sure I will be for a while. But venting here helped a great deal, and reading your responses let me know that I am not alone. So, thanks.


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## RedViperofDorne (Jan 2, 2011)

Steiner of Thule said:


> Online friends are fickle. I found trying to get too invested in them causes pain. You think they will stick around but then one day they are just gone. Never to be seen again. It shows that people like us, lacking in friends, tend to put too much emphasis on our one source of *possible* friendships. Meanwhile people who aren't socially inept don't really put much thought into it. They tend to see it as passing the time with a random stranger rather than trying to build a long lasting friendship.
> 
> Your chances of building a long term thing on the internet is quite slim. Sure you can give each other skype and what-not, try to keep in contact, but in reality you still sort of need a physical bond to really keep anyone around.Otherwise what usually happens is they eventually just become another username in your skype list that you end up never talking to.


Yeah, that's exactly how I feel about online friends. It's not worth getting too emotionally invested in them. I've done that in the past, then just ended up feeling miserable when they disappeared or stopped wanting to talk to me.


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## Diáfanos (Feb 3, 2011)

This is definitely the thing when it comes to online relationships, whether platonic or romantic. A lot of communication can get lost within another realm; especially when it comes to body language, 70-80% of connection responsible for making chemistry. There are a lot of projections (both good and bad) thrown about as well. It's like you're literally talking to a wall which ricochets the definitive qualities of these projections. You could've also been held responsible, when reality merges with a situation where this perfect union came completely crashing down, to a reality which had never existed in the first place, in comparison.
Previously, I was also as naïve as you, to have a personal belief deeply rooted within my mind in subjugating the self in favour of the harmonious, peace-ridden external world, which held as one of my deep convictions. It transferred all the way through online communication, via written text, primarily. It got to a point where I had emotionally invested my time, my energy, among other things in light of bringing this one relationship to flourish.

Long story short, it was definitely an experience which had awoken _the self._. You cannot have the peace in the external world, the reflection of your fantasy world collected within the unconscious realm, if one doesn't fully have peace within themselves. Merging with other sentient beings just for a chance to fulfil the longing deep inside.. It sounds as if a form of emotional detachment, but this has brought me peace to whatever I was going through a few months ago. It brought me *answers*, it brought me *closure* and that's what we people always want. Create yourself, a closure at your own fingertips. Start doing things *for yourself that you have constantly been putting off that brings joy. *Whatever it is.Start small.
Don't look outside.


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## Quinn the Eskimo (Jan 22, 2012)

Im sorry to hear that, I have basically 3 friends in my life and one of them is an online friend who I once used to be very close to..

yet she barely responds to me anymore.. in other words shes done with me..

if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up


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## Kind Of (Jun 11, 2014)

The one thing people can be relied on for is to say things they don't mean and to benefit themselves, not others.

I've had the same thing happen, and on top of everything else it has me pretty hopeless about having people who matter in my life. Right now there are two people I can actually "hang out" with offline, and soon they're leaving and I will have no one. Everyone I befriend online and off either has strong antisocial and narcissistic tendencies, is a broken person looking to be fixed, just wants attention from someone who'll listen to their problems, or is a man looking to get laid. People have all kinds of uses for me and consider me (as a stranger) worth trusting with everything from sensitive data to their personal problems to their belongings, but friendship and genuine love never seems to enter the picture.

Nobody I know is being upfront with me as to what about me is so obviously off that I attract this while people who are essentially the same as me actually have some semblance of a social life. I'm not stupid and I know that if two people in similar settings with similar personalities are having a vastly different outcomes as a rule, there's something very dissimilar going on there. Maybe they're trying to spare me, thinking it will simply go away on its own.

I've opened myself up, I've closed myself off, I've improved my posture to look less weak, I've stopped letting people cross my boundaries for any reason, I've stopped taking on the burdens of others, I've improved my outlook, I've tried to put on a tough front so no one smells blood in the water... not a damn thing has worked. Still, everyone I ask says nothing's wrong with me.

So, I understand. It's painful to give out trust and care to someone only to be slapped in the face for it, and for me I have to go against my own nature to ensure that I don't wind up surrounded by people who'll suck me dry and leave me for dead. The worse I feel, the better I want to make others feel so that at least someone isn't suffering in a world that should care but doesn't - and that's the worst idea since Shake Weight.


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

ksatria said:


> Long story short, it was definitely an experience which had awoken _the self._. You cannot have the peace in the external world, the reflection of your fantasy world collected within the unconscious realm, if one doesn't fully have peace within themselves.
> 
> Start doing things *for yourself that you have constantly been putting off that brings joy. *Whatever it is.Start small.
> Don't look outside.


Ksatria, I agree with all of that. I think when things like this happen, it's best to focus on improving yourself as much as possible, rather than wallowing in the loss you feel. And yes, spending too much time in a fantasy world can only lead to disappointment in reality. It's better to focus on creating a reality you enjoy, creating a self you can respect. I still hope that my friend will change his mind and get over whatever happened in his perception, but I will never allow myself to feel this kind of closeness with him again. It is too much.

Thanks again for all the support, everyone.


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

Kind Of said:


> The one thing people can be relied on for is to say things they don't mean and to benefit themselves, not others.
> 
> Everyone I befriend online and off either has strong antisocial and narcissistic tendencies, is a broken person looking to be fixed, just wants attention from someone who'll listen to their problems, or is a man looking to get laid. People have all kinds of uses for me and consider me (as a stranger) worth trusting with everything from sensitive data to their personal problems to their belongings, but friendship and genuine love never seems to enter the picture.
> 
> So, I understand. It's painful to give out trust and care to someone only to be slapped in the face for it, and for me I have to go against my own nature to ensure that I don't wind up surrounded by people who'll suck me dry and leave me for dead. The worse I feel, the better I want to make others feel so that at least someone isn't suffering in a world that should care but doesn't - and that's the worst idea since Shake Weight.


Kind Of, yeah, I think we are very similar. People online and offline tend to trust me easily and come to me for comfort. At work, a guy told me that he always feels relaxed around me. I think it is because I am outwardly a quiet and calm person. People know I'm not going to betray their trust, and I don't. And I don't intentionally do things to hurt people. Even though I consider myself very asocial and misanthropic most of the time, I guess one thing I can say for myself is that I do try to treat others with kindness as much as I am able. I try not to let my negativity and depression get in the way of being a decent human being. But unfortunately, a lot of people do not play by those rules. And those of us who do, often suffer for it. But I don't want to lose that part of myself, even when it backfires on me.

I think online, especially, we have to be careful of people who are as antisocial as we feel. Because a lot of people who fall into this category do not know how to treat others and don't care how they make you feel. It gets dangerous and hurtful to get close to someone, no matter the relationship. I guess it goes with the territory of human interaction. People mostly suck.


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## Sarah86 (Jun 27, 2014)

The hard part about trusting someone is thinking they will be around forever, and then they aren't. Friendships are difficult to navigate at times, with the majority either slowly fading over time, or ending abruptly without warning.

The slow fade is really the ideal, as time and life events change the fundamentality of our friendships; however answers can be had to ease our minds and hearts knowing we did everything we could to hold onto this friend, but the time had come and gone for this person in our life, and now it's time to move on.

The abrupt ending of a friendship is the worst. One day your friend is here, and the next they are gone. Phone calls, emails, and texts go unanswered. The inevitable insecurity that it must have been something you did creeps in, and the frantic thinking mode takes over every waking thought, because if only you could talk to them, it would all be better...if only...

There is no fantastic way to end a friendship. It can be painful and it can bend and twist our perception, which inhibits our ability to make friends, or become close to someone in the future, as we don't want to be hurt again. It's normal to mourn your friend, because in reality, the death of a friendship is just as devastating as the death of the friend them self.

You can allow yourself one more attempt to elicit a reply from your friend, but do so with the knowledge that you may not hear from them, and that they are the one who will lose out in the end. Unless you committed an egregious act against them, come to the realization it is not your fault, and you are worthy of having true, honest, and caring friends who not only help you when times are good, but pick you up when you fall.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, my one friend who replies twice a year to my hundred or so emails, doesn't care about me any less than the one who talks to me each day; it's just his way of doing things, and I accept that because I love him and care about him. People are all different, and sometimes we have to accept their flaws, if we are to keep them in our life.

There are many reasons why people come and go, and it's hard to accept them. Maybe he is busy, or perhaps he is afraid of emotions he's having. It could be that he is insecure, or it could be something has happened to him to make him pull away. If you do end up writing him, let him know that you care for him and that you miss his friendship. Try not to delve into an emotional abyss, as guys don't always respond so welcoming to how us girls like to emote, so be succinct and honest, but most of all, be yourself.

I do wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need to talk...I'm more than willing to listen...{{{hugs}}}


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## masterridley (Jan 20, 2007)

Sarah86 said:


> There are many reasons why people come and go, and it's hard to accept them. Maybe he is busy, or perhaps he is afraid of emotions he's having. It could be that he is insecure, or it could be something has happened to him to make him pull away. If you do end up writing him, let him know that you care for him and that you miss his friendship. Try not to delve into an emotional abyss, as guys don't always respond so welcoming to how us girls like to emote, so be succinct and honest, but most of all, be yourself.


I don't think it's got to do with emotions. These guys have been conversing for 4 years now. btw, that proves that he definitely wasn't in it for her appearance or her voice, so he couldn't have changed his mind just because they Skyped once as she fears. Nor can anyone do something so terrible that it forces the other person to throw away a 4-year relationship.

If I HAD to put my money on something, I would say that his gf or his wife found out and forced him to block the OP. That sounds more reasonable to me.

In any case, it's not the fault of the OP, that's for sure. Something that sudden only points to problems on his side.


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## altghost (Jul 13, 2012)

I think offline, the same thing happens, only it's more drawn out, instead of an overnight disappearance. Withdrawing emotionally, rarely initiating anything.. Because how can someone say "it's not working out" without causing pain? It's probably by the by... I am sorry, OP, that you had to go through this.. wishing you the best while your heart heals


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## Sarah86 (Jun 27, 2014)

masterridley said:


> I don't think it's got to do with emotions. These guys have been conversing for 4 years now. btw, that proves that he definitely wasn't in it for her appearance or her voice, so he couldn't have changed his mind just because they Skyped once as she fears. Nor can anyone do something so terrible that it forces the other person to throw away a 4-year relationship.


It's amazing how the psyche works at times. I only mentioned that option because I've witnessed it in action. I've known people who have had online relationships for years, only to have them end, because when you can't associate the communication with a voice, or a photo, the only thing you have to rely on is your own imagination. When one of those correlating options are crossed off the list, it then becomes real, and for some, they can't handle real, panic sets in, and they disappear without explanation. It happens more often than we think, and it is very unfortunate. You would think all the time invested is at least worth something, but there are those who place no value in that investment, and can pretty much throw it away without hesitation.

Likewise, there are actions one can commit toward another person that can end a long standing friendship. Lines can be crossed, feelings hurt to the point of disrepair, betrayal of trust...the list is endless. Perception is reality, and we can't impose ours on someone else. What we perceive as harmless, may not appear that way to the other person. I don't believe that the case here, but in some instances, it is what happens.

There are many reasons of why he just decided to end contact, and most probably, as you deduced, there are no good ones. The only thing left is to ask the hard questions, without the added drama, and wait to see if he is/was a friend, and can be man enough, to answer. Most signs point to no, but I am an optimist who always holds out hope...even when the situation seems rather hopeless. 

Have a beautiful and blessed day...{{{{hugs}}}}


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

masterridley said:


> If I HAD to put my money on something, I would say that his gf or his wife found out and forced him to block the OP. That sounds more reasonable to me.
> 
> In any case, it's not the fault of the OP, that's for sure. Something that sudden only points to problems on his side.


Yeah, that is the conclusion I have come to. It can't be something I did, because I didn't do anything. On the contrary. Things seemed to be going particularly well when this happened. The situation is still hurtful, but I know I didn't do anything. Something had to have happened on his end. Your guess may be right. I have no idea.



Sarah86 said:


> When one of those correlating options are crossed off the list, it then becomes real, and for some, they can't handle real, panic sets in, and they disappear without explanation. It happens more often than we think, and it is very unfortunate. You would think all the time invested is at least worth something, but there are those who place no value in that investment, and can pretty much throw it away without hesitation.
> 
> There are many reasons of why he just decided to end contact, and most probably, as you deduced, there are no good ones. The only thing left is to ask the hard questions, without the added drama, and wait to see if he is/was a friend, and can be man enough, to answer. Most signs point to no, but I am an optimist who always holds out hope...even when the situation seems rather hopeless.


I have been guilty of letting online and real life relationships fade away. But fading away is different than suddenly cutting someone off without any explanation. As you wrote, some people can throw away a friendship and never give it another thought. Anyway, yes, I do plan to write him one last time, but I'm going to wait a while before I do it. Maybe give him time to process whatever he is thinking or feeling right now. He may not even read it and probably won't respond, but it's worth a shot.

Thanks for the responses.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Quite a disheartening read, and all good supportive posts that I need not reiterate. All of my online relationships eventually fizzle out. Often I feel as if I'm intruding too much, I type quite abit and easily get carried away. 

Eventually I get bored of their boredom, their short word responses which are spread out in long intervals. Then my effort recedes as well. I willingly let most of my friendships die out if I feel that a person doesn't appreciate me, would rather I leave them alone, etc. So be it, my gift to them. I never blocked anyone though, so if they wanted to catch up, y'know, there's a window.


This bloke took the coward's way and didn't even have the decency to explain anything, you're much better off without him, regardless of the past good times. As many stated before, a facade of loving friendship can be easily constructed online. Honeyed words and false promises/claims can sway the heart. Actions will always speak volumes, and is preferable when it comes to judging character.


Don't let this dissuade you from trusting possible genuine friends please, yes humans do suck as a whole, yet once in awhile you'll come across cool people, yet if you block everyone and quit on placing effort in making friends, your loneliness will last for years. 

It's impossible to know what other people are going through, especially pals online, even if they confide in you a great many things, it's possible they omit quite a bit of details to spare themselves the judgment or to not elicit disapproval from the other individual.


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## Sarah86 (Jun 27, 2014)

Malek said:


> Quite a disheartening read, and all good supportive posts that I need not reiterate. All of my online relationships eventually fizzle out. Often I feel as if I'm intruding too much, I type quite abit and easily get carried away.


I do the same thing. Some people appreciate the time and effort taken into sharing so much with them, and others are more content with one word responses with months in-between. My friends are my friends, and like you, I never close the door completely on anyone. It can hurt to lose someone, but I would rather have a second of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special. {{{hugs}}}


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## NatalieM (Jun 19, 2014)

One of my tutors once said in a lecture that, in our field of work, the best thing you can do is "find your people". I think this is also applicable here! Sometimes it's really obvious when people aren't "your people".... in fact I find MOST people I interact with on a day to day basis aren't my people, and because of my SA I can't even forge fakey connections with them. But every now and then in life you stumble across someone who just seems to get you so clearly... And, I think, that when you have SA you really find those connections to be extra specially precious. And so it hurts extra specially more when it turns out that connection wasn't what you thought it was.

Just remember - there will be other special people. They don't come around all the time and sometimes they don't stay for very long. But they are out there. And they will understand. xx


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## ilikesloths (Jun 1, 2014)

It's easy to hide online. People tend to exaggerate and lie. I think that his reaction is probably out of fear - when he heard your voice, things probably felt too real, and his online presence was threatened. I don't know the specifics of your friendship, but a lot of people view online friendships and relationships as a fantasy. That doesn't mean the connection and emotions aren't true. I'm sure he's bothered as well, since he doesn't want to face you. Try your best to let it go.


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

Malek said:


> Often I feel as if I'm intruding too much, I type quite abit and easily get carried away.
> 
> This bloke took the coward's way and didn't even have the decency to explain anything, you're much better off without him, regardless of the past good times.


I have the same problem. Typing too much. Expressing too much. It's funny. We have SA and have trouble talking in RL, but no trouble expressing ourselves in text. And yes, I do think he is acting very cowardly. It's a weird place to be emotionally. I feel very angry, but I also feel sad, and also sorry for him.



Sarah86 said:


> I do the same thing. Some people appreciate the time and effort taken into sharing so much with them, and others are more content with one word responses with months in-between. My friends are my friends, and like you, I never close the door completely on anyone. It can hurt to lose someone, but I would rather have a second of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special. {{{hugs}}}


Yeah, I agree with that, Sarah. Some people don't get how much effort and/or patience you put into a friendship. And they don't care. I didn't think he was one of those people, but I guess I was wrong. I don't plan to close the door on him completely either. If at some point he wants to talk again, I will be up for it. But I will have to keep him at a certain distance from then on.



NatalieM said:


> One of my tutors once said in a lecture that, in our field of work, the best thing you can do is "find your people". I think this is also applicable here! Sometimes it's really obvious when people aren't "your people".... in fact I find MOST people I interact with on a day to day basis aren't my people, and because of my SA I can't even forge fakey connections with them. But every now and then in life you stumble across someone who just seems to get you so clearly... And, I think, that when you have SA you really find those connections to be extra specially precious. And so it hurts extra specially more when it turns out that connection wasn't what you thought it was.
> 
> Just remember - there will be other special people. They don't come around all the time and sometimes they don't stay for very long. But they are out there. And they will understand. xx


Natalie, I have felt this way all my life. When you have SA, it is so hard to meet someone who feels right, whether as a friend or a romantic partner. It's hard for "normal" people. It's damn near impossible for us. So, yes, it does feel precious when I find someone who gives me that feeling, and I tend to invest a lot in that person and maybe expect more than they plan to give. I always thought he was one of my people. Actually, I still think he was. But I think something went wrong. Not my fault, but something happened in his mind.

I'm not going to get into a lot of detail with this, but this friend of mine shared with me many times that he also suffers from SA and depression and anger and he rarely goes out. So I could always empathize with him that way. And someone who was once a mutual friend of ours told me that she knew he had a lot of problems. She gave me some specifics, but I never knew if they were true. And I didn't ask, because I didn't think it was my business.

So, in a way, this makes it even sadder for me because, while it was still a jerk thing to do, I realize that maybe the friendship became too much for him. Maybe he couldn't handle crossing that line, although he was the one who pressed for it, not me. Anyway, because he knew how SA feels and because we got along so well, I thought he was...one of my people. And that makes it painful.



ilikesloths said:


> It's easy to hide online. People tend to exaggerate and lie. I think that his reaction is probably out of fear - when he heard your voice, things probably felt too real, and his online presence was threatened. I don't know the specifics of your friendship, but a lot of people view online friendships and relationships as a fantasy. That doesn't mean the connection and emotions aren't true. I'm sure he's bothered as well, since he doesn't want to face you. Try your best to let it go.


Thanks, ilikesloths. I am working on letting it go. It's just hard. I talked to him for years, and we had some great times and a good connection. Not knowing why it ended is the worst part, but I likely never will know.


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## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

Malek said:


> This bloke took the coward's way and didn't even have the decency to explain anything, you're much better off without him, regardless of the past good times.


How do you know that? Do you know that person? Have you read his mind? Do you know all the details of what was going on between the 2 of them? Are you sure the OP is not willingly letting some sensitive information untold or is not taking something important into consideration(cause to her it may not seem important but it may be very important to him)? As long as you were not part of this issue, you are simply assuming a lot and harshly judge that individual based on your doubtful assumptions alone.

As for the OP, I know this is probably very painful to you, especially if you had feelings for that guy. Could that have been the issue? Have you told him anything like that recently?


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

sad vlad said:


> As for the OP, I know this is probably very painful to you, especially if you had feelings for that guy. Could that have been the issue? Have you told him anything like that recently?


No, that was not the issue at all. Nothing like that happened. And as you said to Malek, yes, I am leaving out a lot of details. I don't want to post the details of our friendship or what I know about him here. It's not relevant anyway. The thing is that we were talking, everything was going well, he was very nice about my feeling shy, and then he cut me off. It's not like there was a fight or anything awkward. We were having a totally normal conversation at the time this happened. It was like every other time we ever talked, except that I was using my voice. That's why it is confusing. I tend to agree with those who have said he might have a jealous girlfriend or wife, or something along those lines. Maybe something came up that he didn't want me to know. But I know that I did not do anything. Something happened on his end, and suddenly.


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## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

inthewater said:


> except that I was using my voice.


Since there were no romantic feelings in that relationship, from any of you(are you sure he wasn't interested in you?), then your voice is not that important no matter how it may sound. We are far more selective with potential lovers than mere friends, especially online friends that you may never see in real life. Moreover, if you have regularly talked with someone for 4 years, it is highly unlikely to let go of it because of something so unimportant.



inthewater said:


> he might have a jealous girlfriend or wife


Wouldn't you know that? After so much time(even far less time), people know almost everything about each other. Because they get to feel very close and trust each other very much. So they are covering pretty much all possible topics and get to share day to day events, problems, frustrations, small achievements and so on. Or is he suffering from a severe case of paranoia? That could explain a possible secret.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

sad vlad said:


> How do you know that? Do you know that person? Have you read his mind? Do you know all the details of what was going on between the 2 of them? Are you sure the OP is not willingly letting some sensitive information untold or is not taking something important into consideration(cause to her it may not seem important but it may be very important to him)? As long as you were not part of this issue, you are simply assuming a lot and harshly judge that individual based on your doubtful assumptions alone.
> 
> As for the OP, I know this is probably very painful to you, especially if you had feelings for that guy. Could that have been the issue? Have you told him anything like that recently?


Fair enough, I was just dishing out a rather crude opinion based on what limited information the OP described and I concur that no one outside can really know all the details/situation for sure. Perhaps he suffers from crippling SA and hearing the beautiful melodic voice of the fairer sex was just too real for him and he crumbled under pressure?--There can be no way to know for certain, only she can inquire from him what the deal is, that's why I recommend she keep the window of friendship open, yet don't place too much emphasis on tracking him down and forcing himself to explain things, that's his prerogative and no one else's.

Perhaps he actually does have a rather disheartening secret and he wanted to protect her from knowing the truth because he cares too much and realized that getting too close would of led to pain anyways so he ended it ahead of time...




11:40


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## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

sad vlad said:


> Since there were no romantic feelings in that relationship, from any of you(are you sure he wasn't interested in you?), then your voice is not that important no matter how it may sound.
> 
> Or is he suffering from a severe case of paranoia? That could explain a possible secret.


I don't think it was my voice itself. He seemed to respond well to hearing me. I mean, I don't think he thought it was ugly and decided to run. It wasn't that way at all. And also, I never knew him to be judgmental about things like that. I heard him interacting with all kinds of other people on voice many times.

And I do think he could be suffering from a severe case of paranoia and has dreamed up some reason we can't talk. He can be like that. But it's never been this extreme.



Malek said:


> Perhaps he suffers from crippling SA and hearing the beautiful melodic voice of the fairer sex was just too real for him and he crumbled under pressure?
> 
> only she can inquire from him what the deal is, that's why I recommend she keep the window of friendship open, yet don't place too much emphasis on tracking him down and forcing himself to explain things, that's his prerogative and no one else's.


Malek, yeah, that first statement has crossed my mind, too. I think he has very little experience with women. In any capacity. Maybe once he heard me and I became a real woman, not just words on a screen, suddenly it was scary. I don't know.

And I agree. I'm not going to track him down. Doing that would just reinforce any paranoia or bad feelings he may have. And it's not worth the energy. I'm just going to e-mail him one more time, and let it die if that's what happens. If I run into him eventually in one of the rooms where we both used to go, that's not my fault. And he'll probably just run anyway if that happens.


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## sad vlad (Nov 9, 2013)

inthewater said:


> I do think he could be suffering from a _*severe case of paranoia*_ and has dreamed up some reason we can't talk. He can be like that. But it's never been this extreme.


I can only suspect this is the most reasonable cause. I happened to talk to people that could enter severe paranoid episodes. They can be triggered by smallest, harmless actions or words sometimes. Can be very difficult to keep it rational and get overwhelmed by fear. You can't do much, but hope he will get out of it and still trust you enough to want to get back to you. Time will tell.


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## Visi0n (Jul 3, 2014)

I know this isn't what you would like to hear but honestly thinking over and over about the reason as to why he stopped talking to you will only eat you up inside even more, it's very unhelpful thinking. I really understand what you're going through and I know what it feels like and it really sucks but try to get rid of anything that can remind you of him, even if that means avoiding the chat place where you met him for a while.

I really hope you start to feel better soon.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

inthewater said:


> And it's not worth the energy. I'm just going to e-mail him one more time, and let it die if that's what happens. If I run into him eventually in one of the rooms where we both used to go, that's not my fault. And he'll probably just run anyway if that happens.


Good idea. It's possible that he really likes you, but fears getting closer to someone who he can't physically be with. Like you mentioned, once you voice chatted with him you became a bit more real to him. I've been on the male side of these close online friendships once before, unfortunately, and it's a pretty emotionally painful experience - as great as they can be. Maybe it was hurting him too much, and he realized that he needs to focus on forming relationships in real life rather than online.

That's purely speculation though, I have no idea about either of you, but it's a possibility. I like the idea of sending him one final e-mail. You deserve and explanation, and hopefully you will get it. If not, it's a lesson learned about getting close to people online 



inthewater said:


> I've had trouble sleeping for a few nights now. It's 8:15 in the morning and I'm still awake. Not so much because of him, but because this incident forces me to look at how empty I really feel. I can go for long stretches without paying much attention to that gaping hole, but this experience is making me feel it.


I could relate to this a lot. It's not so much the absence of the person (while that's still part of it), but the realization of how lonely we really are. Honestly, maybe a break from internet socialization wouldn't be a bad idea? Like you, I have a hard time being around people and don't particularly care for hanging out with or being around people, but it could be worth a shot to try and get out a bit. Even if you go out and don't talk to people, it still feels good to be out of the house.


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## Laughing Fox (Jul 9, 2014)

Steiner of Thule said:


> Online friends are fickle. I found trying to get too invested in them causes pain. You think they will stick around but then one day they are just gone. Never to be seen again. It shows that people like us, lacking in friends, tend to put too much emphasis on our one source of *possible* friendships. Meanwhile people who aren't socially inept don't really put much thought into it. They tend to see it as passing the time with a random stranger rather than trying to build a long lasting friendship.
> 
> Your chances of building a long term thing on the internet is quite slim. Sure you can give each other skype and what-not, try to keep in contact, but in reality you still sort of need a physical bond to really keep anyone around.Otherwise what usually happens is they eventually just become another username in your skype list that you end up never talking to.


I agree with this, because it happened to me. exactly as listed above. And it's really sad how true it is. Honestly, my online friend, I thought they were one of a kind. We stayed up all day and night on skype, watching anime, youtube, playing games. Sometimes our skype calls would last 20+ hours and it's sad to say all that effort and love was for nothing. If anything, it became more of a pain than anything. Actually not being about to see them rather than on my screen, it was hard to cope with. When we became that deep with each other we started to hate the friendship because it was causing us both pain. Our skype calls were once filled with laughter and awesome conversations but later they were nothing more than complete silence and faint crying to one another.


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## altghost (Jul 13, 2012)

Laughing Fox said:


> I agree with this, because it happened to me. exactly as listed above. And it's really sad how true it is. Honestly, my online friend, I thought they were one of a kind. We stayed up all day and night on skype, watching anime, youtube, playing games. Sometimes our skype calls would last 20+ hours and it's sad to say all that effort and love was for nothing. If anything, it became more of a pain than anything. Actually not being about to see them rather than on my screen, it was hard to cope with. When we became that deep with each other we started to hate the friendship because it was causing us both pain. Our skype calls were once filled with laughter and awesome conversations but later they were nothing more than complete silence and faint crying to one another.


I think it's because online relationships dont have the same pacing as offline. It's too easy to spend all the time you want with another person, if they too are willing, so you end up spending hours on hours. every day. And then at some point, that 'high' wears off and you wish you could just have a normal relationship with them, see them once aday or a few times a week, as you would with anyone else. Butyou feel guilty about that, or you try to mindread the situation and guess that if you dont show up on skype like usual, the other person might be upset. I mean, odds are, you dont even spend that much time with family, so spending hours with someone is sort of elevating that person to a level higher than family. Of course it starts to wear thin.

I guess the way to prevent that is to upfront just limit your time from the get-go, but thats hard, esp if you spend a lot of time online. Or to tell them you want to start spending less time online but.. idk


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## SolusSAF (Aug 17, 2013)

It may not be you. What if he now has a serious girlfriend or is married? If that is the case, he may just cut everyone off so he would not "get in trouble" with his gf/wife.
It is really strange though, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.


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