# Psychotherapy Assessment and Losing My Mind



## sarahproblem (Dec 2, 2014)

I feel like I am genuinely losing my mind.

I started attending sessions as part of a psychotherapy assessment and my second session was just over a week ago.

Since the sessions I find I can't stop processing thoughts and thinking things over and over. I honestly can't stop. I wake up at 3am to thoughts running through my head.

I barely say anything in the sessions but seem to leave feeling so much self hatred and doubt and feeling weirdly detatched and very insecure in my life.

I feel as though I am pulling away from everything I know in my life and also like I am never going to be able to properly engage with the world like a regular person. 

Last night I went out for the first time in literally years with a small group of 'sort of friends' and it has destroyed me. I feel sick over the thought of it actually.

I honestly don't think I am ever going to be able to do life in any meaningful way. 

I want to be able to say all this to my therapist but I don't know how to and I'm scared he will say that therapy isn't for me because if he does then I have no more routes to go down. I've done everything else. 

Just feeling really scared and lost today. 

Has anyone been though something like this? I feel so alone and dysfunctional.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Well therapy hasn't/didn't help me much. I still go but its mainly me "waking" myself up to make changes. I would keep trying though, give it more time. Sorry to hear about your struggles though. :hug


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

What kind of therapy is it? In what way(s) is it triggering the rumination?


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## sarahproblem (Dec 2, 2014)

Kevin001 said:


> Well therapy hasn't/didn't help me much. I still go but its mainly me "waking" myself up to make changes. I would keep trying though, give it more time. Sorry to hear about your struggles though. :hug


Thanks Kevin001. I do feel like I need to stick with it. I'm just so messed up at the moment.



splendidbob said:


> What kind of therapy is it? In what way(s) is it triggering the rumination?


It's psychoanalysis splendidbob. I'm finding that when I'm in the session I'm not able to ask the therapist questions but when I leave I immediately start ruminating negatively about myself in any way possible and also I find that I am still paranoid about my therapist too. I come out of there thinking he is playing games with me or trying to catch me out.

My thoughts about myself can be anything from being undeserving of the therapy to feeling as though I have done something 'wrong' or just that I hate myself or even that I'm a liar who's desperate for attention etc.

I continuously process thoughts like that but then I begin to have thoughts about what's actually going on (which as far as I can tell is what therapy is designed to do?) the problem is that I am able to make some connections but most of it happens so fast and in so much detail that I feel like I spend an entire week overwhelmed and needing to speak to my therapist about what's troubling me but I can't until the next appointment.

I started to make a quick note of anything that was really bothering me as a result of the therapy but I feel more and more confused each time and more and more unstable.

I was referred to child psychology when I was 14 years old which required the co-operation of my dad also. We attended one session in which each of us were spoken to separately by clinicians and they had urged me to go into treatment. We made another appointment at the hospital but unfortunately I discovered that my dad actually felt differently. On the way home in the car he told me that he'd only taken me there to scare me and to teach me a lesson. We never went back and I feel like if we had, my life could've possibly turned out better than it has so far.

So because of this I think I'm scared that if this doesn't work out for me then I'm out of options and any hope of a slightly more grounded life.

Just really hit a low point.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

@sarahproblem I would personally doubt that psychoanalysis will be much help to someone who ruminates a lot (this is only my opinion though).

My own personal experience with this type of therapy was a long time ago but I found it completely counterproductive for my problems (pure O OCD, which featured a lot of rumination). You don't have OCD, I imagine, but it might be that similar principles apply if rumination is one of your major issues.

How did you end up with psychoanalysis as the chosen type of therapy? was this on the recommendation of a psychologist or psychiatrist?


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## sarahproblem (Dec 2, 2014)

The rumination is pretty severe I would say. Although it's been this way without therapy too.

The referral happened after my last visit to my GP when I was in a crisis. She spent time reading through the entirety of my medical history and said that her decision to refer was based on the other treatments I'd had and the fact that the issue has been ongoing for more than twenty years. There are lots of self destructive symptoms present alongside my anxiety and whilst I'm on meds intermittently doing CBT etc, I keep finding myself back in crisis after so long. (I have a history of trauma, psychological abuse, neglect and instability beginning when I was 1 year old.)

I did explain to the therapist about the rumination last time but he still seemed to think that psychotherapy would be beneficial and suggested that I should possibly go into 3 sessions per week for two years. He said that "thinking was better than ruminating because thinking can go anywhere" but I have no idea what to do to change the way my brain is operating.

What have you found helpful?


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Ok, I don't want to come in guns blazing and say "that psychotherapy won't help" going against the opinions of medical professionals  But, it makes me slightly concerned though because G.P.s aren't going to be able to understand a complicated psych issue (being realistic). Have you seen psychiatrists or psychologists? Which country are you in? Which treatments have you tried before? (from professionals).

The psychotherapy might be helpful though, but it seems to me that if it is making you acutely worse, your therapist at least needs to know and be able to account for this or change his strategy.

Re myself, well obv our situations are different, but I found nothing really touched the OCD when it was bad, all I could do was not make it worse (which came from CBT, I guess). Over time my bad OCD kinda faded (seemingly on its own).


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## sarahproblem (Dec 2, 2014)

I'm in the UK. I agree about the GP referral to be honest and it's always such a struggle to say what you need to say in the allotted appointment time but she did ask me to come back after she'd had time to properly read through my medical history and then sent a detailed letter to the psych unit at the hospital which they then read back to me.

I was first assessed by a clinician there who then referred me to the clinical lead at the unit which is the guy who's my therapist at the moment.

Over the years I've had lots of person to person CBT, counselling and medication for anxiety and depression which I'm currently still taking but I seem to get so far into a sort of recovery, before finding myself right back at the beginning again. To me there is an issue which is still not being addressed and I want so badly to get out of this cycle and engage with life.

The only other time I was referred to a psychologist was at the age of 14 when I was referred to a child psychology unit. They did intend to treat me after the first initial assessment but my dad wouldn't allow it. This is what makes me think there ay be some use in therapy but I'm definitely struggling with the effects of it.

I'm glad to hear that CBT has been helpful for your OCD. I do try to keep up with the stuff I learned but it gets drowned out by all the other noise a lot of the time.

I guess I need to be honest with the therapist and hope he doesn't tell me there's no hope for me!


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

I suspected you might be in the UK 

Ok so it does sound (at least) like it is through a decent assessment, so yeh, its probably going to be the best you can do. There isn't a great deal of other choice here in the UK as I am sure you know (its either this or CBT, more or less).

So yeh, I think you need to explain the effects the rumination is having, and hopefully the therapist can adapt what he is doing to factor this in. Presumably he shouldn't drop you from the therapy just because it is causing you issues, I would hope he has more flexibility. Tread carefully with how you approach it though, I guess.


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## sarahproblem (Dec 2, 2014)

Thanks so much for the advice  Yeah I think I do need to be honest just so desperate to get better I don't want to mess it up before I've even given it a proper chance. 

I feel a little calmer about it. Hoping I can stay like this till Monday when I go back.


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