# The Eating and/or Body Image Issues Recovery & Support Thread (Possible triggers)



## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Good thread, strawberryjulius!

I became a restrictive eater seven months ago, although I was an emotional eater long before that. I binge occasionally, and I just finished a serious and prolonged episode yesterday. My usual binges last two to three days, but this last one was three weeks! Every morning I would tell myself, _today is the day I stop binging. _Didn't work, of course. But as of today, I'm back into restrictive eating and serious exercise.

My goal is to stop obsessing about what I eat. I went on vacation last month, and I spent most of my time worrying about food. What a way to spend a vacation. I'm going away for a month this summer, and I want food to be the last thing on my mind! I'd also like to minimize the frequency and severity of my binges.

Edit: "Stop obsessing about what I eat" is a pretty lofty goal. How can I break it down into smaller and more achievable goals?


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

strawberryjulius said:


> - eat mindfully & eat all my food in the kitchen


This is a good one. My goal for the next few days is to eat at the table and to not do anything while I'm eating - just focus on the food.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Your post definitely helps. I can relate to so much of what you write!



strawberryjulius said:


> i used to pretty much wake up every morning just so i could eat all day


Yesterday I was wishing that I didn't have a job so I could spend the whole day eating and then doing cardio to burn it off.... Not good.



strawberryjulius said:


> so, say i am worried about something, rather than eating and eating my worries, i'd try and work out if there's anything i can do about what i'm worrying about, if so, i go and do that,


This is good. I've taken the last year off school but I'm returning next month. I'm really anxious about that. I know I should be reviewing the material (the courses I'm taking build on other courses I've long since forgotten), but I haven't made myself do it yet. Next time I feel like eating through house and home I should get out my books and study. Well, I should study anyway, even if I don't feel like binging.



strawberryjulius said:


> i think continuing to not weigh myself is probably a good idea.


I'm with you here. I intentionally don't own a scale, although I've started weighing myself at the gym. I think it would be good for me to focus on eating reasonable portions of healthy food, and let my body do its own thing.



strawberryjulius said:


> so far i've eaten when hungry and i've eaten everything in the kitchen. i did eat all these little bits of biscuit that my mum made. i only wanted to taste one...there were four and i couldn't just leave them so i ate them all. =/ i don't know why i do this!


It's so hard to stop! I spent last weekend at my parent's, and my mom left five muffins on the counter. I ate them all (with tons of butter), and then proceeded to eat an insane amount of cereal heaped with sugar, followed by dried oats mixed in butter and also heaped with sugar. Sugar is my crack.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

strawberryjulius said:


> if there's ever junk food in my house i feel compelled to eat it all straight away so it's gone and not tempting me. i'm going to try and go without tomorrow. *not in a restrictive way* ...i'm having a hard time explaining myself, gah. i just want to learn to feel relaxed around junk food and i'm not going to go crazy and eat it all. :b


I do the same thing. I rationalize eating tons of food because then I think, well at least it won't be there tomorrow for me to binge on. I used to avoid binging by not eating any junk at all. That worked for several months, but things just blew up this month. I think maybe I need to be a bit less restrictive. Whenever I start a binge, I think, _this will be my last one, and I'll get back to eating healthy tomorrow_. Then I feel compelled to continue with the binge because I think how I've already screwed up, and since I'm forcing myself to be perfect tomorrow, I might as well get as much pleasure out of this today as I can.

My therapist gave me an analogy that you might find interesting. Her uncle works in an orphanage in Africa, and they've learned not to send the kids to school right away because they're too busy worrying about food to focus on school. Instead, they have them work in the kitchen for a while. The kids see all of the food being made, and they learn that there will always be enough for them to eat. I think it might help me to try to be less perfect and stop telling myself I'm going to avoid certain foods altogether. If I give myself good (ie tasty) food every so often, I'll learn that it's always there. Maybe it will reduce the severity of my binges.



strawberryjulius said:


> also..since eating mindfully i feel a lot more relaxed about what i'm eating. i'm not feeling extreme guilt about my lack of nutrition. i eat healthy 90% of the time so there's really nothing to be worried about.


:yay

Good luck today! I think instead of trying to "go without", I'll make a goal to be "better than yesterday" for the next few days. I binged yesterday, so this will sustainable for a few days :b.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

I ate so much today, and so much crap that I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's strange. I didn't feel stressed out, I just love food and wanted to enjoy it. A lot of it. And yet I kept eating after I was full. At that point I wasn't enjoying it. So I started for the pleasure, but continued for the pain - as a punishment, maybe. 

It really hit me today that I don't really want to stop binging, so that's my goal: to want to stop. All this binging can't be good for my body. I need to find the motivation to have a tough love approach and do what's best for my health, instead of giving in to my cravings.

First step: tomorrow I'm going to write down the negative consequences of binging vs. what I get out of it.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

I'm sorry your day didn't go well, strawberryjulius.

I continue to binge .


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I binge at night before I go to bed. It's the worst time I could Binge. It's why I'm 36 pounds overweight.

My goal is to eat breakfast in the morning to kick-start my metabolism and stop binging at night


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

^I think it's a good idea to see a psychologist. Have you seen one before?



ryobi said:


> I binge at night before I go to bed. It's the worst time I could Binge.


Welcome ryobi! This is when I do most of my binging as well.

I keep telling myself "today is the day I stop".... I don't think I need to tell you how that's turned out.

Goals: 
Chew food at least 20 times
Put up signs in my kitchen that say:Are you really hungry? Or...Are you thirsty - drink water
Are you tired - sleep
Are you anxious - breathe deeply
Are you depressed - journal
Are you stressed out - tackle what's stressing you head on
Do you need comfort - aromatherapy
​Maybe I'll just do this today and not even try to curb my eating.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

How's it going, ryobi and strawberryjulius?



viv said:


> I keep telling myself "today is the day I stop".... I don't think I need to tell you how that's turned out.


Tomorrow's the day I stop. For reals.

Previous goals:
Chew food at least 20 times - have not been doing this consistently
Put signs up in my kitchen - done, but I ignore them

Tomorrow's goals:
Actually read the signs I put up in my kitchen before I start eating
Eat mindfully with no distractions


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Another day, another binge . I've put on over twenty pounds in the last month. 
I was going to say, "tomorrow's the day I stop," but to heck with it. Imma keep going. Maybe my organs will give out soon. 

Best of luck with your goals, strawberryjulius.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)




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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

strawberryjulius said:


> i'm going to do something a little bit taboo, but it's something that has worked for me. from what i can see from the past few months when i'm not eating junk food i seem to binge less. i seem to get off track when i eat anything sugary and then it's all down hill from there.
> 
> i know people say that i should treat myself once in a while but i just can't do it sensibly.


Yes! It seems a lot of people recommend treating yourself to moderate amounts of sugary/unhealthy food every so often, but I can't do it. I'm better off when I avoid junk food altogether.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I think I'm going to join in on this awesome thread. I've been dealing with BDD/ED for five years now. I've gone through a variety of symptoms over the years. I'm in both one-on-one therapy and a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group (which I absolutely recommend; it has helped me so much) right now and am making progress, but not nearly as fast as I'd like. 

My goal right now is to try and accept that uncomfortable full feeling. I've really screwed up my digestive system over the years, and my stomach gets distended even if I eat a very small meal. So it can be extremely uncomfortable to eat the portion sizes that are required of me. I just started taking probiotics to correct this problem and they seem to be helping so far.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

^Welcome to the thread, gustafsg! 

I posted earlier about the possibility of my organs giving out - now I can say with certainty they're being affected. Yesterday I noticed it was kind of hard to breathe, and that feeling continued today. My body must be struggling to process all the sodium, fat, and sugar I've been stuffing into it. 

My motivation to stop binging is lackluster. I have spurts of motivation, but they're incredibly short lived. The fear of becoming overweight isn't enough to stop me, so I think I have to start focusing on the other effects of my binging. I'm essentially poisoning my body. I need to find the kindness towards myself to stop this toxic behaviour. Punishing my body because my mind is distressed isn't right. Having said that, I'm off to the kitchen to dig up some more food, even though I'm not hungry.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

Thanks for the Welcomes!

I'm not supposed to eat pork, (I'm morally against it) and I havn't eaten pork in over a year but the last three days I've eaten pork three days in a row...Ughh


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

^Sorry to hear that, ryobi. Are you under a lot of stress right now?

I felt really fat, ugly and hopeless earlier today, to the point that I didn't want to live anymore. The importance I place on appearance is so unhealthy. I'm maybe 10 pounds over the 'healthiest' weight for my body. Having thoughts of suicide over a few pounds is really messed up. 

It's good though that I feel down about it today, because it might give me the incentive to start eating healthier. I'm thinking more about my health, and less about my weight, so that's a good first step. The tricky part from here will be avoiding falling into restrictive eating, which I have a tendency to do. 

Did you see your doctor again strawberryjulius, and have you given more thought to seeing a psychologist?


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Finally! A day without binging! :yay


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*as i read this i ate a bunch of swiss rolls*

and felt guilty, and thought maybe i shouldn't and maybe if this and maybe that but i did and now i'm a fat slob. it took 4 minutes.

before that, i convinced myself that i could survive today on a falafal and a soup. Yeah, when i type it out it looks just as stupid to me.

I find not having a scale helps. I mean, i bought one when i was 15 and would obsessivly werigh myself everytime i went into the bathroom and getting rid of it helped me not obsess over weight. I just started to realize I even have a problem, and so now its started to occer to me my liver has been abused my whole life through my not eating enough!

I like this thread, i think it will help me be less restrictive/binging


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

viv said:


> Finally! A day without binging! :yay


Way to go!

I screwed up today. Skipped dinner. Somehow justified it in my head by the fact that I consumed alcohol while I was out tonight. When, of course, I know it is unhealthy to skip meals and just gets me into a nasty downward spiral.

I'm not going to let this derail things though.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*I had stress over money yesterday*

SO i went and restricted AND binged but i think today will be better becuase my plan is perfect for the next 4 days so long as i stick to it.
Work is stressing me though becuase they always want me for extra days 
im not sure how to deal:mum


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*i never eat breakfast which is prolly bad*

Last night I drank and then had no self control..i ate two packets /4 swiss rolls. i feel so awful about that. i'm thinking maybe ill have breakfast this morning? i dunno. I do pretty well on days I work at the shop.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

viv said:


> ^Sorry to hear that, ryobi. Are you under a lot of stress right now?
> 
> I felt really fat, ugly and hopeless earlier today, to the point that I didn't want to live anymore. The importance I place on appearance is so unhealthy. I'm maybe 10 pounds over the 'healthiest' weight for my body. Having thoughts of suicide over a few pounds is really messed up.
> 
> ...


I haven't been under any more stress than usual. I think it's just a lapse in discipline.

It's good that you're starting to think more about your health than your weight. Health is what's important


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

It's been a tough week. My dad had one of his mood swings recently and when he gets like that, you best watch out. I accidentally let slip that I had been talking with my therapist about how he is sometimes verbal abusive, and oh man, was he pissed. Now I'm reevaluating things...I'm not sure living at home is the healthiest environment. On the other hand, last time I was living on my own, symptoms were out of control and it was a complete disaster.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

This is a great idea for a thread! It's comforting to read other people going through the same kind of thing.

I have a love/hate relationship with food and NO self control, but lately I've been trying to be healthier (I'm a hypochondriac and I'm terrified I'm gonna get Type II Diabetes) and lose 10 lbs., while learning how to control myself with food. If there's junk around me, then I'll eat it all, regardless of being hungry, or even enjoying it. I'll eat food and after a while just not enjoy it, feel sick and maybe even disgusted by it, but still feel compelled to eat. I started a diet maybe a month ago and have gone down a dress size since then (from 10 to 8, and now my 8's starting to feel loose), and I felt decent cause I was able to cut out all forms of sugar and processed/fried food for 5 days (wanted it to be a week but I broke). Then I restricted my diet and I made my only treat be 3 squares of very dark chocolate, and I was able to stick to it very well. I even introduced other treats from the caf, and was able to just have a little food with 1 treat, and for once could control myself.
But the past week has been BAD. Probably from the stress of school ending all I've been thinking about is sugar. Whatever treats I've had in my room the past few days are eaten within an hour, because I just can't stop myself from eating it all. So now I can't buy anymore treats cause I just can't hold back. Plus, I've been eating more sugar and more fried things, and the fears of diabetes and other health problems are going strong. So I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself for it, and I feel like I'm gaining back everything I've lost even though it's just been 5 days and my clothes are still getting looser. I'm so close to my goal, but I'm just reverting back to the way I was. And I'm terrified for when I'm home, cause my mom will bring me treats from bakeries and things, while also being a big burden cause I'm either too skinny or too overweight. In the same day she's told me that I eat too much and am gaining weight, and then later that I'm too skinny and that she's afraid I'm anorexic. I just want a healthy relationship with food and my body.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Barette said:


> This is a great idea for a thread! It's comforting to read other people going through the same kind of thing.
> 
> I have a love/hate relationship with food and NO self control, but lately I've been trying to be healthier (I'm a hypochondriac and I'm terrified I'm gonna get Type II Diabetes) and lose 10 lbs., while learning how to control myself with food. If there's junk around me, then I'll eat it all, regardless of being hungry, or even enjoying it. I'll eat food and after a while just not enjoy it, feel sick and maybe even disgusted by it, but still feel compelled to eat. I started a diet maybe a month ago and have gone down a dress size since then (from 10 to 8, and now my 8's starting to feel loose), and I felt decent cause I was able to cut out all forms of sugar and processed/fried food for 5 days (wanted it to be a week but I broke). Then I restricted my diet and I made my only treat be 3 squares of very dark chocolate, and I was able to stick to it very well. I even introduced other treats from the caf, and was able to just have a little food with 1 treat, and for once could control myself.
> But the past week has been BAD. Probably from the stress of school ending all I've been thinking about is sugar. Whatever treats I've had in my room the past few days are eaten within an hour, because I just can't stop myself from eating it all. So now I can't buy anymore treats cause I just can't hold back. Plus, I've been eating more sugar and more fried things, and the fears of diabetes and other health problems are going strong. So I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself for it, and I feel like I'm gaining back everything I've lost even though it's just been 5 days and my clothes are still getting looser. I'm so close to my goal, but I'm just reverting back to the way I was. And I'm terrified for when I'm home, cause my mom will bring me treats from bakeries and things, while also being a big burden cause I'm either too skinny or too overweight. In the same day she's told me that I eat too much and am gaining weight, and then later that I'm too skinny and that she's afraid I'm anorexic. I just want a healthy relationship with food and my body.


I feel you may be over-stressing on this. I saw your post a pic of your outfit pic and you have a stunning waist to hip ratio. :b I can't imagine you needing to lose any weight. I know there must be a lot of girls lighter than you, but you have to remember that the the bmi scale doesn't work for tall people like us. (It goes up by the square of the height ^2 instead of the cube ^3) Type 2 diabetes is very uncommon in skinny people. (being overweight increases your odds 90 times) In fact, I read that many diabetics have there symptoms vanish overnight when the get gastric bypass surgery because they're not eating as much anymore.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

arnie said:


> I feel you may be over-stressing on this. I saw your post a pic of your outfit pic and you have a stunning waist to hip ratio. :b I can't imagine you needing to lose any weight. I know there must be a lot of girls lighter than you, but you have to remember that the the bmi scale doesn't work for tall people like us. (It goes up by the square of the height ^2 instead of the cube ^3) Type 2 diabetes is very uncommon in skinny people. In fact, I read that many diabetics have there symptoms vanish overnight when the get gastric bypass surgery because they're not eating as much anymore.


Thank you! I just want to lose some lbs that have been very persistent in the last few years, I don't trust that BMI scale anyway, I think recent studies have proven that it's super unreliable. I'm just trying to get happy with myself really, and to get a healthier relationship with food cause I think that'll help lend to the former too.
And the diabetes thought is totally irrational cause it'd take A LOT of sugar for me to develop it, but I can't shake the fear. But it's not like cutting out a lot of the sugar in my diet would do me any harm, anyway, ha.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*^*



strawberryjulius said:


> i would (and i'm sure others would too) really appreciate it if people did not waltz in and comment on the appearances of the participants of thread. while flattering, it is not helpful and can sometimes be harmful (such as, someone might feel like their problems are being dismissed) and is really, really not appropriate for this thread. thank you for your cooperation.


i 2nd this


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

My binging is getting worse. As in, I-could-shock-a-talk-show-audience-with-how-much-I-eat worse. 

I need someone to make me stop. I don't care about myself enough to do it.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

hmm, i did okay today i guess. i stuck to the no-honey thing. forgot about the timer and felt unsatisfied with the food i ate. i will remember to do the timer thing tomorrow.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I weighed myself this morning and I've gained almost 10 pounds in a month. I couldn't believe it! I've been working out so hard.It's so disapointing.
I binged last night, big time. I ate so many treats...I eat when I'm depressed. Does anyone else eat when they're depressed?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> and welcome to the thread barette!


Thanks!

Today I got an exam package! Not good! I went to the gym and I'm only 7 lbs from my goal weight, so I'm so close! But having this exam package is definitely gonna put me back! It's filled with Poptarts, Twizzlers, M&Ms, Rice Krispies and just everything I've been avoiding buying because I can't control myself when i's around me, I usually get a box of Poptarts and eat the whole box within an hour or two cause I just can't stop myself. I've already eaten 4 of the treats within getting it and I'm just thinking about the rest, even though I don't want them. I really want to build self control so if I can't stop myself soon, I'll just throw them all away. It's better to waste it all than to eat it all.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Oh yeah, strawberryjulius, I was going to mention DBT. Basically, it's a form of therapy that was originally developed for borderline personality disorder, but has since been adapted for a variety of mental health issues. It incorporates a number of standard CBT practices with mindfulness and meditation. In group, we go through different 'modules' where we learn about things like emotional regulation, distress tolerance and assertiveness (which, of course, is pretty good for the SA as well). The mindfulness aspect has been really nice, because I definitely have a tendency to zone out, something that never ends up working in my favor.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

*I've put on eight pounds in four days. *My back hurts from the flesh watermelon that's sprouted on my stomach, and my shins hurt too. I wish there was some sort of inpatient program I could go to. I think a week of "detox" would help me learn that I could live without binging. My body is convinced I need a package of cookies, tub of ice cream, loaf of bread, and five bowls of pasta to make it through the day.

But:
a. There's no local inpatient program for binging (not serious enough, I guess). I'd probably have to go to some wildly expensive resort-type place in the States. 
b. I start school on Monday

What should I do? I'm not strong enough to stop on my own.



strawberryjulius said:


> i'd say that this has probably been my best week in a while.


Yay!

Edit: Ahaha, scary thought. *My weight has increased by 25% in six weeks.*


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## AmericanZero (Apr 17, 2012)

viv said:


> Maybe my organs will give out soon.


I used to try to force myself to eat healthier foods, but I gave up and just eat whatever chemically poisoning McFrankenstein I want now. Amazing, I lost ten pounds in the past month and a half with only walking 6 miles a day.

I am now only 25 pounds over down from 80 when I started.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> i am the same and it's something i just can't figure out. i had a bit of chocolate given to me for easter and i literally could not go a day without touching it. i just...do not understand..at all. sigh.


Something that helps me some is when I'm having one of those moments where I'm eating and eating without enjoyment and without being able to stop myself, I try to just think about why. So I mean, like, I ask myself "why do I want this so bad? it'll be there tomorrow. Why do I need to eat it _now_?" and questions like that, and usually it helps some to really get to the root of why and to keep myself from eating evrything.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*Please somone help*

with the stress of all of this and my constant self restriction I have no energy
I think my liver is having problems and its making me realize how bad i have been...just can someone on this thread talk to me?

I'm scared.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

mzmz said:


> with the stress of all of this and my constant self restriction I have no energy
> I think my liver is having problems and its making me realize how bad i have been...just can someone on this thread talk to me?
> 
> I'm scared.


:squeeze

The fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a bad person. What is going on with your liver?


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

Right now I'm having trouble keeping myself from binge eating. If there is junk food in the house at all it's gone in a day or two at the very most. I've tackled the problem so far by trying not to keep certain foods in the house--but it seems like once I stop eating one type of junk food I find myself reaching for another. I haven't weighed myself in over a month because I know I've gained. 

This month my goal is to exercise as many days out of the week as I can (Exercise helps me tremendously. Less anxiety, fewer cravings, etc) and to try to eat slower and more often throughout the day.


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## NomadChild (Apr 30, 2012)

Although I'm a recovering, I'm going to lose no more then 5lbs. This will be done by exercising right and eating a more healthy meal. I've been in the swing of eating more so this should be ok.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Ate almost 3640 calories yesterday, went to the gym and burned off a little more than 1000, but that's still a ton of calories. I feel bad, but it's forced me to get right back on my diet.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

AmericanZero said:


> I used to try to force myself to eat healthier foods, but I gave up and just eat whatever chemically poisoning McFrankenstein I want now. Amazing, I lost ten pounds in the past month and a half with only walking 6 miles a day.


I used to do an hour of cardio a day, but I don't have much free time anymore. I spend maybe 15 minutes per day on the internet because that's all I have time for. Yeah, I could cut down on my sleep to exercise, but I chose not to.



strawberryjulius said:


> viv, remember how you had that day without binging? how did you manage that? did you do anything differently that day or did it just happen?


The day I didn't binge was a less stressful than usual day. I've had three more of those days since. I started binging around the time I registered for school, after taking a year off. I finally started class on Monday and managed not to binge Monday through Wednesday, I think because the thing I had been dreading finally started and it wasn't as bad as I had expected. But I messed up at work on Thursday, and that triggered another binge. I binged yesterday as well, and I've already eaten a lot of crap this morning.



gustafsg said:


> Are there any intensive outpatient programs near where you live? This won't give the same level of support as inpatient, but it might be a viable alternative.


There are, but they're publicly funded and thus hard to get into. You need a referral from a physician (I have no diagnosis), and even then patients are prioritized based on the severity of their illness. My health is in no immediate danger. I eat too much. So what?


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Ugh, made the mistake of weighing myself. I'm up 4 pounds. Shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel like the biggest fat*** in the world right now.


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## cj123 (Nov 30, 2007)

Great thread! My eating disorder over the past ten years has prevented me from making progress from overcoming my social anxiety, and it is always encouraging to read or hear about people challenging their eating disorders. I know how powerful the eating disorder thoughts can be, and combined with social anxiety, it can be psychologically draining. It takes a lot of courage and strength to challenge it and to eventually overcome it; I truly believe everyone has this inner strength within them if they are willing to use it. I am quite guilty of letting my eating disorder completely take control and not using my own strength.
I love your "one day at a time" mentality strawberryjulius. I am always thinking about the future: 1 week from now, one year, 5 years...It is good to think about the future to a certain degree but not to the point that it makes the present overwhelming and unpleasant. I can completely relate to the restrictive eating and binge eating. I have cycled between anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS. I am not as extreme as I used to be but still have a long ways to go. My biggest problem is turning straight to restricting after a binge. For the last 8 months I have been in the cycle of healthy eating, one binge and feeling "out of control", heavy restriction for a few weeks, back to healthy eating, one binge, and then again the heavy restriction. My binge eating is not that often, but when it does happen, I still let it affect me emotionally afterwards. The only way I will break this cycle is if I do binge, not go straight back to restriction because that just sets me up for a binge again. I had a frustrating past week because I splurged on a lot of cake and then got into the "all or nothing thinking" mode and ate much more food. I immediately went straight back to restriction. It's disappointing because I ate healthily consistently for over a week, and I should have accepted the fact that I overate one day and moved forward the following day. I still mentally place too large a signficance on certain types of food, and I am so fearful of binges to the point that most of the time I keep little food in my apartment and eat my food outside of it. This makes it almost impossible to have a roommate. My goal for this year is to be able to have food comfortably around me in my apartment without my anxiety skyrocketing.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

I hope this thread is stickied. I have both sex addiction and i go through binge cycles. I feel like they stem from the same hang ups and feed off of each other. Sometimes I feel like the only possible value i could have is sexual. Since I don't have the body to be desired by all of the people I want to attract I get upset and over eat. Its almost like the perfect viscous cycle. I have been doing well by eating sensibly for the last few days and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so lets hope I get some lexapro. I have found that it takes enough of the edge off anxiety and depression to help me cope without going into an all out super binge where I eat 6000 plus calories a day for several days in a row. I also found a non 12 step group for sex addiction and eating disorders. The 12 step literature depresses me. I can't tackle a problem when the first thing you say to me is that I am powerless. 

Does anyone else deal with other compulsions as well as eating and body weight problems.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

I've come back on here recently, if anyone here wants to check out the support group I started a while back. It's in my signature.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Well, I'm upset. I'm 99% sure that one of my meds (Celexa) was making me binge, which for some reason is a lot harder to take than if it was purely my fault. 

I stopped taking the Celexa on Saturday, and for the past two days I haven't had any intense cravings for carbs or sugar. I just wish I had connected the dots sooner.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

viv said:


> Well, I'm upset. I'm 99% sure that one of my meds (Celexa) was making me binge, which for some reason is a lot harder to take than if it was purely my fault.
> 
> I stopped taking the Celexa on Saturday, and for the past two days I haven't had any intense cravings for carbs or sugar. I just wish I had connected the dots sooner.


Different meds work for different people. Did you contact a doctor about switching to something else? It's good that you've been able to avoid the cravings, but if you suddenly eliminate antidepressants without consulting anyone, you could be setting yourself up for problems.

Hope everyone is doing okay. My week's been alright. I had two pretty good days earlier this week. But I've felt really sad since last night. I was thinking of all the bad things I've done to cover up my body image and food issues. I usually push the shame into some deep corner, but for some reason, I was really overcome with guilt yesterday. I can't stop thinking how my life could've been if it hadn't been for all of this crap. Yes, I had SA before, but it was manageable. But add dysmorphia and eating problems into the mix and you have a disaster. I was such an accomplished person in high school and now I'm nothing. I've completely wasted the last five years of my life.


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## Laura1990 (May 12, 2012)

I am also a night time binge eater. I am desperate to lose about 10kg, but I can't seem to manage the night time binges.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

Yesterday was the 7th day I did not overeat. I started lexapro 10 days ago and it has given me just enough of a break from the overly powerful emotions to tackle my compulsive eating. I still get on the scale daily but since I feel good the number doesn't bother me. Right now I am outside typing this with no shirt on. I am valuable so it doesn't matter if I have a little extra adipose tissue. That will dissolve away with time. The most important thing I have learned so far is the power of thought. I have been tackling my negative thoughts. I never knew I had so many. No wounder I was eating compulsively. I was telling myself bad things about myself 500-1000 times a day. I can't find it but I read an article years ago where a woman related compulsive eating to drug use. It was all about escaping our thoughts. It was just the eating. It was the thinking about eating, the going to get the food and finally the eating. I would get hours of mental release focusing on food. Now I am combating the untruths about me by replacing them with irrefutable statements like I am valuable.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks strawberry Julius. I know that feeling of falling off the wagon and feeling that you will be off for a minute. Just remember that you cannot undue weeks of good behavior in a few days. I Went through a period of daily weighing regardless of what I ate a while ago. I discovered that my weight dropped precipitously after returning to a healthy diet. I hypothesis that I eat a lot of high sodium foods when I binge. French fries, fried chicken, hamburgers, and soda are my biggest binge foods. I also eat a lot of ice cream which bloats me and makes me feel bigger. After my body has caught up and processed all of the food and my sodium levels return to normal all of that extra weight comes off. I realize that even on my worst binge weeks I gain no more than two pounds. I don’t like gaining but two pounds is easily reversible. 

Last night I wanted to go to popeyes chicken. Earlier that day I had made a list of many of my positive attributes. When I could not positively think the desire to binge away I went back to the list and highlighted all of the positive attributes I would be jeopardizing by compulsively eating. Later I made a more permanent list of reasons why I will not give into compulsive eating. I hope this helps. 

I am a competent man . I am a confident man. I am a valuable man. I am a punctual man. I am a affable man. I am a loving man. I am a loved man. I am a genuine man. I am a intelligent man. I am a thoughtful man. I am a inspired man. I am a compassionate man. I am an attractive man. I am an athletic man. I am an artistic man. I am an ethical man. I am an emotionally stable man. I am an emotionally expressive man. I am a peaceful man. I am an ambitious man. I am a kind man. I am a nice man. I am a forgiving man. I am sexy man. I am a spiritual man. I am a audacious man . I am an honorable man. I am a positive man. I am a diligent man. I am a responsible man. I am an open minded man. I am a faithful man. I am a fashionable man. I am a honest man. I am a tactful man. I am a humble man. I am a self respecting man. I am a wise man. I am a dignified man. I am an impressionable 

Reasons not to Compulsively Eat

1.Compulsive eating violates my confidence by allowing me to give into and run from fear
2.Compulsive eating violates my attractiveness by encouraging avoidant behavior and making me unhealthy
3.Compulsive eating violates my ethicalness by redirecting my resources to unhealthy behaviors 
4.Compulsive eating violates my emotional stability by causing me to give into surmountable emotions 
5.Compulsive eating violates my emotional expressiveness by causing me to run from my emotions
6.Compulsive eating violates my peacefulness by causing me to betray my values
7.Compulsive eating violates my ambition by distracting from my goals 
8.Compulsive eating violates my sexiness by making me unhealthy and distorting my body image 
9.Compulsive eating violates my spirituality by causing me to take refuge in self pity instead of my spiritual practices
10.Compulsive eating violates my audacity by causing my to conform to the automatic inclinations of my mind
11.Compulsive eating violates my honorability by causing me to act in reprehensible ways 
12.Compulsive eating violates my positivity by causing me to give into negativity
13.Compulsive eating violates my diligence by causing me to loose focus
14.Compulsive eating violates my responsibleness by causing me to act irresponsibly 
15.Compulsive eating violates my honesty by causing me to give into denial 
16.Compulsive eating violates my self respect by disrespecting my health and longevity 
17.Compulsive eating violates my wisdom by causing me to give into instant gratification
18.Compulsive eating violates my dignity by causing me to abandon my values. 

I am a confident, attractive, ethical, emotionally stable and expressive, peaceful, ambitious, sexy, spiritual, audacious, honorable, positive, diligent, responsible, honest, self respecting, wise, and dignified man. I choose to make wise choices in honor of these wonderful, god given, attributes.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

Don't feel bad guys. I lost 20 pounds this winter, and I gained all the weight back in less than 2 months. It's so frustrating. I don't feel like I've been eating that much, but I guess I have......

I kind of have a paradox going on. The more I surf the more weight I gain. You would think I would lose weight...


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## Cipher (Nov 12, 2011)

I don't think I have a disorder, but I do get really self-conscious about having too much fat and not enough muscle and binge eat junk food at times. I tend to wear baggier clothes to hide my figure and go through periods of starving myself to lose weight. I want to start working out next week and eat more healthier foods and not so much junk food. By the end of the summer, I'd like to have lost ten pounds and gained some more muscle. I think if I can maintain a healthy diet and regular exercise plan, I'll feel better about myself.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Binged again. pfffff


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

Strawberry Julius what’s been causing you to binge?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I feel SO horrible right now. I fell of my diet for about a month now and though I haven't gained anything, I haven't lost anything. If I'd stayed on my diet I could be up to 10 lbs less right now, instead I'm stagnant. Starting now, I'm eating 1200 calories a day and working out every other day, no excuses. I need to, I can't look like this for any longer. I'm hoping to be 137 (I'm 5'10") by the end of June.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I know this probably won't change how you feel at all Barette, but based on your pictures, you really don't need to lose weight. And depending on how active you are, restricting your intake to that level might only screw up your metabolism and overall body function. 

I'm going to try and not be triggered by that post though. I've also been struggling with wanting to drop the pounds, but right now, my priority needs to be getting ED/BDD in order. And that's impossible to do if I'm in a bad pattern of restricting or bingeing.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I've been thinking about your post for a few days now Barette and I've been thinking about what would be a good way to reply to you. What I've been wondering about is how long have you felt this need to lose weight? Was it triggered by a recent event at all?

I just...I've always had latent feelings of body dissatisfaction but I actually developed eating problems after a few stressful events in my life. I did lose the weight I wanted to lose but I was never quite happy with the way I looked. I also developed a fear of gaining weight so I became incredibly hyper-vigilant about what went into my mouth/how much exercise I did. I think I ended up much more depressed at the low weight than I was at the higher weight! 

That's why I'm focusing on accepting my body and eating mindfully. I believe my body will find the right weight for myself over time - one that I do not have to worry excessively about in order to maintain it. 

I also agree with gustafsg that 1200 calories seems a little low. But maybe you have a bird-like appetite and feel satisfied on that, I wouldn't know. :b I'm over a foot shorter than you (4'9) and I like to eat around 1400-1500 calories. :stu


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

tjames said:


> Strawberry Julius what's been causing you to binge?


Almost missed this, sorry tjames.

Hmm, one thing probably was an assignment that I couldn't figure out (figured it out now, woo, ha) and another health issue I have. I also just find it difficult to break out of the habit once I get started.

I think today might be my most binge-free today in a week or so. There's still a few hours left in the day though so who knows what will happen. :b


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

It has been two weeks since I have binged. I have stayed in my 500 calorie deficient for all but two days. I go to the shambala Buddhist center on Tuesday and have a cookie, a few nuts a cracker or two. I think next time I will stick with one cookie and a handful of nuts and try to leave 300 calories available for that. Identifying compulsive eating as one of my two main coping mechanisms has really helped. Working on my self talk was another positive step. I weigh 256.8 I weighed 314 two years ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Since then I have gotten my blood sugar under control. One doctor told me that I no longer have diabetes. Another doctor told me I don’t need to have the three month blood sugar test done anymore since it keeps coming back within range. My blood work is excellent. My goal is to loose a pound a week. If I set my goal too high I will associate my self worth with meeting that goal. Then any set back or thought of a set back will trigger deep emotions of fear and anxiety which may trigger compulsive eating. I am doing this for me and me alone so I am in no hurry. I will be just as valuable at 200lbs as I am at 256. I am currently rotating through push ups, sit ups, squats and pull ups in between studying for my massage therapy national exam on the 12th. Once I have passed the test I will create an hour long work out plan with the squat, pull up, bench press, and crunch being the centerpieces. I will use abdominal days as a form of rest day and practice belly dancing instead of lifting weights. But for right I will focus on my 10 minute dog walks, increasing by one minute per week, maxing out at 30 minutes. Fifteen minutes of stretching twice a day, and 6 minutes of meditation in the morning, increasing one minute per month. I wish everyone luck on their fitness journey.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I'm going to get back into it again and make myself some goals for the week. I'll check back daily to report on how I'm going.

- Challenge beliefs about body/food etc. For example, if I'm feeling fat, remind myself that I if I am eating mindfully - my body will find the right weight for itself and that there is no correlation between my body being thin and happiness.

- Don't snack right after meals. Which I won't be so compelled to do if I...

- Eat all meals in the kitchen - including snacks. Chew my food thoroughly. Might even time my meals for 15 mins again.

- Write about how I'm feeling in the morning and whether I have any situations today that may trigger a binge episode. Assess each issue and figure out what I need. For example, if I'm feeling sad, plan something for myself during the day that will make me laugh. Or if I'm feeling anxious or stressed about something, deal with the situation if I can or distract myself and let go if I can't.

Seems like a lot of stuff but it's not really. I think the challenging beliefs part will be the most....challenging..:b


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Congrats on your two weeks tjames. All you goals sound very good, I wish you all the best.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Today went well, a day without binging, woo!

I did pretty much everything except I ate a couple of things at the computer. But that didn't seem to derail me at all.

I'm feeling a bit stressed at the moment about an assignment but I'm sure I'll work it out eventually.

Oh, and it's so nice to not feel uncomfortably bloated.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

Congratulations on a good day strawberryjulius. I know what you mean I feel so much lighter and lively when I don’t have that uncomfortable post binge bloat


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

While I have tapered out in my harmful eating habits, I still continue to be obsessed with food and body image, so I need to separate myself from viewing food too much as a luxury or reward.

I will say that engaging in CRON/Nutritarianism has really helped me though. I will not recommend it to those with serious EDs or similar, but it did help me transition from the "dieting" mentality to eating clean and healthfully as a lifestyle.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I started binging last night then I stopped, so I consider that a success. I always binge at night. It's the worst time to eat. The good news is I've lost a few pounds over the last couple of weeks...


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I'm going to give a little update right now and I'll reply to people's posts tomorrow when I'm less busy/exhausted, hah.

I didn't do so well yesterday. I was feeling down in the morning and ate all my meals at the computer. I can't say that I binged but I did eat emotionally, if that makes sense. I fixed up what was bothering and went on for the rest of the day feeling pretty positive.

Today went well, only ate a few things at the computer and didn't binge. I'm feeling a lot more accepting of my body right now. I just don't really care too much about my weight because there's more important/exciting/rewarding things in my life that I want to focus on. I'm really glad about this and hope this new attitude will keep me from going into restrict mode! 

My mum made a cake on the weekend and I went a day without eating it today. If you're reading this going OMG RESTRICT MODE. No, no, this is challenging my "must eat junk food every day until gone so it stops looking at me/must not waste food" thoughts. I'm also trying to ask myself whether or not I really feel like or am craving this food. And I'm not so I didn't eat any. If I don't want any tomorrow I also won't have any, but we'll see what happens.

Hope everyone else is going alright this week.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

Congratualations on bringing your binging more under your control. What is Cron/nutritarianism?


Ryobi I think it takes more will power to stop bingeing once you have started than it does not to start at all, so kudos.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I am having a horrible time right now. And it's about something so stupid. 

Someone tagged me in a Facebook photo. I can't stop ruminating about how terrible I look in the picture, especially next to a group of very attractive women. I should be happy that I've been social enough lately to even be tagged in a photo. But instead, I keep going back to the photo and obsessing over how fat my face is...my face has always been a bit wide, but the bingeing just exacerbates it by causing bloat. I'm very tempted to untag myself, but I'll still know the photo is there and I'll still be tempted to go and nitpick my physical imperfections. Ugh, brain, please STOP.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

@tjames: Thank you! 

@Chrystalline: I have issues with viewing food as a reward too, how are you going to go about challenging that? I'd like to hear about CRON/Nutritarianism too but I guess I could just google. :b

@ryobi: Congrats on stopping yourself from binging midway. Did you do anything special to achieve that or did it just happen?Like tjames I think it's harder to stop when you're binging rather than not at all so I think you should be very proud of yourself. 

@gustafsg: :squeezeand I'm glad to hear that you've been social lately.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

So I didn't do too well today. I was feeling upset about the fact that I've put on weight (haven't weighed or measured myself or anything...but I can feel that my pants are tighter=/) and I bought a pack of biscuits yesterday.

Those biscuits? You want some? They're gone. It was a small packet though...if I can make myself feel better about it at all, haha. I also ate some other things but I didn't feel massively bloated so maybe it wasn't so bad? I don't know.

I read a book about stopping binging/restricting called The Rules of "Normal" Eating. It's a pretty good book and there's a chapter on body acceptance. When I read it for the first time I was like no..no..I can't do this! I'm still not feeling very confident in myself about it and I...just, I don't know, I think I'm worried that if I accept my body then I'll become overweight. Hmm. But I've never been overweight in my life so I guess that's not very rational?


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

This is the place where I bought the book from in case anyone's interested. http://www.bulimia.com/index.cfm


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Oh, and I'll stop posting soon I promise hahaha. I just wanted to say that I *learned* today that maybe I'm not quite ready to buy more-than-one-serving quantities of junk food yet. Lesson learned!

Edit: Sorry, sorry. I'll add *buying junk food and hiding it in my room = also not good idea* I'm less likely to binge on something if it's something my mum bought and it's in the pantry. I'd hate to have to explain it to her...ugh.

And woo, we have 101 posts on this thread now!


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

No worries strawberryjulius, I enjoy reading your posts 

I'm in a hardcore relapse. But can you relapse if you never fully recovered in the first place? All I know is that after a period of progress, I'm completely out of control. My dad has noticed and had the nerve to tell me that therapy is a waste of time and that "no wonder you're getting fat again." Gee, thanks dad. 

He has a point though. I'm really not putting much effort into my recovery. And I've definitely gained some weight, although I'm too afraid to get up on the scale and see how much.

I can't stand myself right now. I feel like a complete failure. :rain


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

An almost normal day, wooo. More details tomorrow.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

@gustafsg: For some reason I call you gustave in my head because I'm a moron. :lol Sorry, as I was saying...I'm sorry that you're relapsing now and that your dad's not being very...er supportive. Is there anyone in that you can talk to about this that's a little bit more understanding? You're welcome to vent here of course but I know that it feels better to have someone in real life you can talk with. Until then I'll squeeze you to death via the internets :squeeze


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Hm, okay. So yesterday went fairly well and so is today. But but but I wanted to talk about something I noticed while eating breakfast yesterday morning.

In the book I read the author suggest asking yourself midway through the meal to ask yourself whether you're enjoying your meal. I never really considered this very important. I noticed that about halfway through my meal I did stop enjoying myself (because I was already satisfied) but I continued shovelling food into my mouth because I didn't want to leave anything behind. 

If I think back to before I had eating issues, if I ate a meal I'd take what I need to eat and if I took too much and became full I'd stop eating. Seems like a pretty simple concept but I find it so hard now.

I'm get really, really anxious about wasting food. I'm absolutely terrified of my mum going through the refrigerator and going "No one ate this! Now we're going to have to throw this away!" etc etc.

I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I'm being ungrateful if I don't eat everything. Ughghg. And my parents are always nitpicking how I eat, if I eat too much they're like ARE YOU EATING AGAIN? If I eat too little they're like...actually I can't remember what happens then :lol My mum will call me "strict" and praise me for it...even if I'm in restrict mode. =/ My parents also don't seem to be pleased if I eat healthy or unhealthy...if I eat healthily I'm too strict and need a treat...if I eat a treat my dad has a go at me for it. Sigh...

I'm wondering what other people's experiences are regarding food and eating in their homes/with their parents/family etc.

I think I went a little off-track here. I meant to say that I'm not really enjoying my food properly because I'm shovelling it in and not just eating to satisfaction.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> @gustafsg: For some reason I call you gustave in my head because I'm a moron. :lol Sorry, as I was saying...I'm sorry that you're relapsing now and that your dad's not being very...er supportive. Is there anyone in that you can talk to about this that's a little bit more understanding? You're welcome to vent here of course but I know that it feels better to have someone in real life you can talk with. Until then I'll squeeze you to death via the internets :squeeze


I think I freaked out a little prematurely. The last two days haven't been too awful. Not great, but could be worse. I just need to take it day by day before I completely lose it.

But thanks so much for the support. I do talk with my therapist about this stuff, but of course, it's not the same as a friend or family member. My mom knows everything, but I still have a hard time broaching the topic with her. I guess I still have too much shame surrounding the whole thing.

Anywho, it's great to see that you've had a few good days! Keep it up! I like your goal about only eating in the kitchen. I might have to adopt that.


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## AmericanZero (Apr 17, 2012)

ryobi said:


> Don't feel bad guys. I lost 20 pounds this winter, and I gained all the weight back in less than 2 months. It's so frustrating. I don't feel like I've been eating that much, but I guess I have......
> 
> I kind of have a paradox going on. The more I surf the more weight I gain. You would think I would lose weight...


I lost 60 pounds in 3 months a little over a year ago and I'm pretty sure it's never coming back because I can't even stomach the amount of food I used to eat...it's disgusting. I've been really lazy about losing the last 20 or so though :/.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I'm not sure if I have BDD or not. I know that I starve myself. I skip a lot of meals, and when I eat, I usually leave at least half of what's on my plate. I've never been comfortable with how I looked...I've always hated my own body, how I looked. This goes back to when I was a kid.

Since my girlfriend died six weeks ago (she killed herself and died in my arms 47 days ago) I have lost 51 pounds. I'm five foot ten, 149 pounds. I'm still losing weight. It's not really something I consciously do. I just don't eat anymore. Sometimes I think I'm starving myself to death, because I have had suicidal tendancies and thoughts, and one serious attempt. I don't know, maybe that's crazy. Maybe this is all in my head. If this is the wrong thread for me, please just let me know.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*i ate alot recently*

my friend i told about some of my problems, and she guilts me, but she doesnt understand it will lead me to me just starving myself when shes not around. People just dont get its not making us eat that will solve the problems. or stopping us, either. its that we need control, safely.

I think i'm pretty far from suicide by starvation (or any other means, now that i'm in love), however my bf is sort of on the brink, and if he goes, i'll want to go, too.
:roll


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

TenYears said:


> I'm not sure if I have BDD or not. I know that I starve myself. I skip a lot of meals, and when I eat, I usually leave at least half of what's on my plate. I've never been comfortable with how I looked...I've always hated my own body, how I looked. This goes back to when I was a kid.
> 
> Since my girlfriend died six weeks ago (she killed herself and died in my arms 47 days ago) I have lost 51 pounds. I'm five foot ten, 149 pounds. I'm still losing weight. It's not really something I consciously do. I just don't eat anymore. Sometimes I think I'm starving myself to death, because I have had suicidal tendancies and thoughts, and one serious attempt. I don't know, maybe that's crazy. Maybe this is all in my head. If this is the wrong thread for me, please just let me know.


I don't know that this counts as a traditional eating disorder, but I, for one, don't mind if you seek support from this thread. Of course, it's not my thread...

You definitely have an eating problem, but it sounds like it's a symptom of a severe depressive episode. Which is completely understandable, considering the awful circumstances. I know this is all cliched advice, but do you have anyone to talk to? Or have you thought about seeing a therapist?


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

@TenYears: I am very sorry about what happened to you and you're absolutely welcome to post on this thread. I am not very knowledgeable about your particular circumstances but I do think the first thing you should do is find yourself a good therapist - if you haven't already. Keeping up with your daily activities (although difficult, I'm sure) is important too. Perhaps seeing your doctor would be a good step too?

Again, you're very much welcome to post here about what's going on for you. Take care of yourself. :squeeze


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

@mzmz: I'm sorry that your friend isn't very understand. My experience is pretty similar to yours - people just think that we need to eat more or less. It's very frustrating. 

What's going on with your boyfriend? Do you want to talk to us about it?


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

So, I've done well both today and yesterday. Actually, woah, I haven't binged today at all and it's 4:37pm and I hadn't even realised how little (little as in normal amounts of food for a little lady like myself not restrictive!) I've eaten today. I've been pretty busy doing school work and things so I guess I just haven't thought about it.

I actually went with my boyfriend to see his parents on Sunday night. We went to a place nearby to have dinner. I had a really nice time and I'm being to feel more comfortable with them as time goes by. Yeah, I'm really happy about it.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> So, I've done well both today and yesterday. Actually, woah, I haven't binged today at all and it's 4:37pm and I hadn't even realised how little (little as in normal amounts of food for a little lady like myself not restrictive!) I've eaten today. I've been pretty busy doing school work and things so I guess I just haven't thought about it.
> 
> I actually went with my boyfriend to see his parents on Sunday night. We went to a place nearby to have dinner. I had a really nice time and I'm being to feel more comfortable with them as time goes by. Yeah, I'm really happy about it.


Congrats! I'm glad you had a good day and that you were able to have fun eating out.

I wish things were going that well for me. Yesterday, I went out to try bridesmaids dresses on while my best friend tried on wedding dresses. She's always been very thin. But the whole time, all I could think was "no wonder she's getting married and I'm still single" because I felt disgusting. I should be happy for her, but surrounded by mirrors, I only could think about how bad I looked. I felt better after I paid for the dress and got out of that place.

And then, today I finally checked my weight. Yep, it's up. And now I feel like crap.

I can't let this derail my progress, because it's more important that I get my eating stable than worry about my weight.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I'm still here. I haven't binged at all this week even thought I've felt like doing doing so a few times (thanks to some _wonderful _people posting triggering material on the forum and the mods actually did something, thanks mods). I think I've been too busy to binge. Working, studying, looking after two cats, cleaning, making my own dinner..gah.

I also weighed myself and I have gained - however, I don't think it's too bad for someone that is still eating junk food (pretty much) daily and only doing moderate exercise. I did feel a little bad at first and thought, oh hmm, should start cutting out this and eating this instead of this but then I was like NO, hold your horses Berry, you know that only leads to restriction and that just leads to another week of binging. And I think it's important to remember that even though my weight is up nothing has changed in my life, I still have a job, people still love me and I just got an assignment back where I got 59/60 so...poo you weight gain the world didn't end, I'm not going to let you get me down!!


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

^I like that attitude


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> @mzmz: I'm sorry that your friend isn't very understand. My experience is pretty similar to yours - people just think that we need to eat more or less. It's very frustrating.
> 
> What's going on with your boyfriend? Do you want to talk to us about it?


Thanks, Strawberry.

Well he hasent said anything recently: WE'VE MADE PLANS TO LIVE TOGETHER IN 6 WEEKS! So he's as focused and excited as I am about that.
We are saving money for our future together, and I know cooking for another person will help with eating unhealthy food and then binging and starving out of remorse.

I am not around my friends who know now, so its better. Right now i'm just trying to get the number of calories i believe are appropriate.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Gah, if only that attitude would last for a little while longer.

I binged on Friday night after work. Something unpleasant happened during the day and..ugh, don't want to talk about it.

I've eaten normally for the last two days though. So I guess I can pat myself on the back for not binging the next few days after.


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## wolfsblood (May 5, 2012)

I'm not sure I belong here but I have lost over 50 lbs in the last 4 months thanks to depression. I have been really trying hard lately to gain weight but I have had a really hard time doing it. I have been eating more than usual but i have still not gained any weight. Eating feels like a chore I sit there and chew the food but i do not enjoy it. I hate to eat. I do not feel any enjoyment out of it I try to gain weight but I just keep losing weight.I feel like some kind of mental patient. I hate to eat. What should I do?


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

You're welcome to post here wolfsblood - my only concern is whether I can be of much help to you. Have you sought treatment for your depression at all? Could there be any medical issues for why you're having a hard time gaining weight?


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Okay, I'm going to put a mega trigger warning on this post.

I haven't done so well today, in the morning I ate my breakfast as usual (went fine) then decided to binge on a packet of chips. I felt really bad about this.

Later on I started thinking about how low my weight used to be and then I started fantasising about going into restrict mode and seeing if I could go even lower this time. I went and weighed myself to see how much I'd have to lose and I wasn't expecting my weight to be so high. I had a panic attack and quickly got some scissors and started scratching my leg. I eventually calmed down and stopped. 

After a few hours of still thinking of restricting I've decided to keep going with eating normally. A few weeks ago I lost quite a bit of weight because I was experimenting with something diet-wise for my digestive issues and there wasn't very much I could eat. I eventually stopped because I didn't think it was for me. I didn't like the way I looked when I hit the lowest weight and I've sort of realised that I actually look quite skeletal and scary once I get down there, I can't imagine how I'd look if I got lower...

Eeek, I'm still fantasising about restricting. Damnit, damnit. :<


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I just wanted to point out that I'm not a nazi about who is allowed to post here. You don't necessarily have to have anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, EDNOS, etc. to post. Any kind of issue where you're not eating "normally" (according to what is normal for you) or have any kind of obsessive fixation on a certain body part is absolutely - or a combination of the two - is absolutely fine.

What I don't welcome here, if this makes it easier are: people who simply want to lose weight and people who don't have eating/body issues who tell us to "just eat, just stop eating! but I LIKE a woman with curves! but *I* like your body <insert creepy compliment> so therefore you shouldn't have issues because being attractive to me is the most important thing (HA) etc. etc." Pretty simple, no?

So please don't ask my permission, you already have it. <3


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I did really well today, woo! I had to go to the doctor's today to get more Lexapro and at the start of the week I identified this day as a possibility for triggering a binge. (I get anxious when I can't follow my schedules.) I moved some things around to make today easier and it all worked out really well. I'm quite proud of myself.

I've also been experimenting with different types of eating these past few months (as in eating no junk at all or eating junk food every day...sorry I can't think of a better description, haha) and I've discovered that the best approach is probably eating healthily on weekdays and being a little lenient on weekends/special events etc. and allowing myself to eat something if I crave it (and if it's a genuine craving and not me trying to eat away stress or depression etc.) I know this must seem pretty obvious to everyone else...but, I don't know, this is a revelation for someone who thinks I either need to be totally perfect or eating junk constantly.

I also bought a book on body image. I haven't started reading it yet but I'll no doubt have things to say when I do.


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## JenN2791 (Aug 21, 2011)

I have been binge eating like hell for the past week (cravings from my upcoming period I suppose). It's horrible. I haven't exactly gained all that much really... but I'm not exactly happy about my eating habits either.

I've been a highly loyal fan to Starbucks as well... all that sugar heh....


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I felt pretty bad/stressed this morning because I had to call my phone provider to find out why my account was suspended. I felt like binging but instead I just made the call and felt really good afterwards. I'm really happy about this.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Today's not over yet but I've done well.

I weighed myself this morning and it was way lower than I expected it to be. I'm thinking that my high weight from the other day was just water weight. Considering the fact that when I last weighed that much (over a longer period of time) my jeans wouldn't fit and my jeans are fitting just fine.

Is it bad that this totally brightened up my day? Sigh. =/


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*Hot here*

It's hot here so I ate coffee, one salsa and chips, one frozen margarita and some instan noodels and some popcorn.

and ALOT of water and healthy juice


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Gah, I had a really sucky weekend. My boyfriend came over on Saturday and had dinner with us (not the sucky part - that was lovely) and my mum had a go at me for how much I ate at dinner. It was really embarrassing. I explained to her that I'd rather her not embarrass me in front of my boyfriend. I can't remember what she said exactly but she had the same old attitude - that I get upset over nothing etc. etc. I said to her that I just wanted her to apologise and take some responsibility for the things she says and she just ignored me. Sigh, at least I tried.

Today's going well so far. I woke up feeling really depressed but I just powered through my day. I did a run on the treadmill and some stretches afterwards and it relaxed my body temporarily (I can feel it tightening up again, ugh). I also watched some anime after study to relax and I've so far felt my mood pick up a little.

I think for this week I'm just going to focus on cheering myself up and de-stressing when I can. I might even start off the day with a little meditation.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I had 2 really good days earlier this week. Gotta celebrate the small victories. And I managed to go out to the beach in a two-piece, something that is not easy for me to do.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

gustafsg said:


> I managed to go out to the beach in a two-piece, something that is not easy for me to do.


Good for you! That takes a lot of courage. I don't think I'd be able to do that no matter how much weight I lost.

Checking in again because I need to motivate myself to stop binging on chips. Somehow in the past year I developed the horrible habit of eating half a big bag of tortilla chips in one evening. Sometimes more than that. :no

Yesterday I went on a shopping trip and in an extraordinary moment of willpower I did NOT buy any tortilla chips or binge food. We'll see how this goes.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

gustafsg said:


> I had 2 really good days earlier this week. Gotta celebrate the small victories. And I managed to go out to the beach in a two-piece, something that is not easy for me to do.


I'm glad to hear that.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

And thanks for bumping. I've gotta kick my butt. Might be easier for now since I'm on holidays for two weeks.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> And thanks for bumping. I've gotta kick my butt. Might be easier for now since I'm on holidays for two weeks.


No problem! Happy to help with the butt kicking 

I'm just trying right now not to be triggered by the latest "do you think I look fat" thread. I can't believe how many people think a perfectly healthy looking woman is fat. And then someone told her she'd be skinny in no time if she starved. Facepalm.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

Yesterday was a bad day. I came home from work with plans to go to the gym, study, work on my current projects, etc. But I ended up doing none of those things. I stayed home with my boyfriend who made his amazing vegan curry. And then I had dessert. I had two cookies and 3/4 a pint of soy ice cream. Biggest binge I've had all week. :no If we would have had tortilla chips (thank god we didn't) they would have been gone, too. 

Woke up with this morning with a very deserved food hangover. I disgust myself. But I will try to not fail so hard today.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I came across this and thought I'd share...it's cute


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Hehe, that is cute. Thanks for sharing!  I am the pear and the kiwi fruit and sometimes the strawberry. :b


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

I am failing so hard. I have no damn self control, you put junk food around me and it disappears. Yesterday was all right until I went out with my friend for drinks and ended up eating NACHOS_._ Nachos are binge ground zero: the one food I promised myself I was done with forever.:bash and I ate them.

Makes me feel terrible. Why do I have no self control? The rest of today is going to be all about making myself stay AWAY FROM the grocery store and my binge foods.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

^At least you made it part of the day. That's good news! I am a terrible night-eater. It's difficult to resist. 

I know today is going to be a stressful day (I committed to going to an event this evening) Hoping that it doesn't get to me too much. 

I just realized something...it has been a full 6 days since I binged on chips! Yay!


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I've had a bad morning so far. Went to the dentist...Not fun. I have two cavities in my wisdom teeth and will have to have them taken out. The dental hygienist was lecturing me about not sipping pop/grazing food throughout the day. I felt humiliated. :rain


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*had a really bad day yesterday*

I went on an eating and spending binge beucase i was stressed over money!

Does anyone else do this?

I am trying to keep a log of what i eat and spend but so far every day i start writing things down i fail and spend/eat more then i would if i had not started the log!!!!!

anyone have any tips??


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I am going through my computer files and I just came across photos of me when I was thinner. 

Pffffffffff.

..Pfffffffffffffffffffff.

I can't believe I complained about my body back then.

You can see the lower abdominals coming through (that middle line thing, does that makes sense?)

The. lower. abdominals. Holy shiitake mushrooms people.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

^this is really insightful stuff, and if ED wasn't yelling so loud in my year, I might actually believe some of it. 

But nothing will get through right now. I am having the worst case of the uglies I've had in ages. It started with me looking for a decent photo to use for an online profile. Every picture looks worse than the one before it. The worst thing is, before I started to treat my body like trash, I actually wasn't that awful looking. Not beautiful, but not horrible either. Now I look terrible. And I have this soundtrack in my head that says "you're so ugly" "what a fata**" "no wonder you're single" "you look disgusting" and it won't shut up. 

I just want to crawl in bed and hide my ugly face from the world. I'm sure this awful feeling will pass, but I wish it would happen sooner rather than later.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Okay, it's a new day and the intensity of my hardcore BDD attack has been reduced, somewhat at least. Has anyone had this? Where the self-hatred gets so intense for a little while that you just can't focus on anything? How do you get out of that mindset? I've found that the only thing that works for me so far is to sleep and hope it goes away in the morning.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

^My boyfriend has joked that taking a long nap or sleeping for the night is like hitting *reset* on your brain. I think he's right, personally. I'm the same way. It is amazing how much better I feel after a good night's sleep. 

I'm doing better now. Binges have ceased, weight has stabilized a bit. I've been too anxious to hit the gym lately. I think I've just become sick of eating so much junk food every single day.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

joinmartin said:


> First of all, you're not failing. And you do have self control.
> 
> Food takes its power from you. If we deny ourselves something then it becomes a temptation and has a kind of power over us. I gave up drinking fizzy drinks recently and lost a lot of weight. But I made the mistake of denying myself them. Which meant I wanted them more. I resisted buying them but what resists persists and I ended up feeling bad about the whole thing.
> 
> ...


That's very good advice, I try to think that way. It can become hard.
But i find if i FOCUS on eating healthy, then a cookie or a drink doesn't send me into the kind of tailspin of binge eating self hatred that can result on focusing on what one CANnOT hAVE



gustafsg said:


> Okay, it's a new day and the intensity of my hardcore BDD attack has been reduced, somewhat at least. Has anyone had this? Where the self-hatred gets so intense for a little while that you just can't focus on anything? How do you get out of that mindset? I've found that the only thing that works for me so far is to sleep and hope it goes away in the morning.


yEAH, HONESTLY most days i dont notice BDD or eating problems. Its the days where i just get distraced..it seems for me its all or nothing. I either can think of nothing else, or I barely notice it. Needless for me to mention what sets me off most is people telling me i dont eat enough or to eat more, right?


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I've been binging so much lately I've been having gallbladder attacks, but I get so depressed at night...

If I could stop binging at night, I'd lose weight and I'd be happy with my appearance and I could surf better...

but I can't stop fml


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## clutchcity10 (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm not certified, I'm not really anything accredited. But I use to be incredibly fat, lost weight and became a competitive swimmer.

If any of you guys want advice, just PM me.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

I have been having ED relapses (bulimic/EDNOS related rather than anorexia) and it terrifies me I'll go back to how I was before. My therapist doesnt seem to be helping at all either. I think I'm going to change seeing him.


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## John The Great (Jul 23, 2012)

I keep thinking to myself "Once I reach this goal, I'll be happy and things'll change" but it never happens, no matter how many goals I reach. I'm now saying "Once I reach 10% body fat with abs showing, that'll be it" when I'm a perfectly reasonable weight/body fat percentage. 

I only recently realised that the only people that need to possess such a physique are certain athletes, some performers, and most models who all have more flexibility in the nutrition/exercise area than me. Not to say I won't try for it, but I was attempting to get down so low uncomfortably quickly with a 1000 calorie deficit that and feel I should take it slow an easy as there's no deadline, just my paranoia


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Hmm, it's been awhile! I've been on vacation and had some up days and some definite down days. Now that I'm back, it's time to get my butt back in gear. Time to start taking recovery seriously!


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## Dissonant (Sep 22, 2012)

So, I thought I'd put my 2 cents in to this thread and see if I belong here.

I've been an emotional eater for many years... stemming from childhood food-related abuse. I currently weigh 290 pounds. I was more around 240 in my early 20s but then I had a major medical crisis and my weight has ballooned back since then.

Most of the issue is my diet -- I have severe shame issues and body image issues around sexuality and I feel so sexually frustrated that I tend to use fast food as a coping mechanism  (sorry if that's too much information) I also exercise a little bit, I need to do more but I'm finding it difficult with my other medical issues.

My body image is even worse, I think. I'm pretty sure it's justified in my case though. I just don't want to cause anyone to feel disgusted by asking them out, you know? :sigh

Not sure what else to say... I want to lose the weight again but at this point it seems like a pipe dream.


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## Marleywhite (Aug 24, 2012)

awww that is so cute. I am the blueberry and strawberry. Yummy!


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## Dissonant (Sep 22, 2012)

Definitely the watermelon and kiwi here.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

Im the banana and strawberry


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I'm so sick of this crap. Why is it that other people can recover after a few months and it takes me over five years? I should want this more and yet I don't put in any effort whatsoever. Sometimes I really can't stand myself.


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## silicone93 (Jul 19, 2012)

My good thing is that I'm stable at 51kg.... whether that is actually a good thing or not remains to be seen, because I'm trying to loose fat and put on muscle.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I was doing good all day then I gorged last night. I just keep gaining more and more weight. I woke up in the middle of the night in a rage, probably from low blood sugar. Does this happen to anyone else that tends to gorge at night?


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## Vic Damone Jr (Jul 1, 2012)

Oh man, I'm so happy I found this thread. I have terrible binge eating issues. I just spent three months over the summer getting in shape (after which I had six-pack abs for the first time in my life), then experienced a bout of extreme depression in early September which triggered my binge eating habits again, and I've now gained back 15 lbs of fat in less than 30 days. Yes, you read that right. Some days, I've eaten over 10,000 calories. I look awful and feel worse. I fear it's going to take me months to get back to where I was, but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm so disgusted with myself right now. Binge eating is ruining my life.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Vic Damone Jr said:


> Oh man, I'm so happy I found this thread. I have terrible binge eating issues. I just spent three months over the summer getting in shape (after which I had six-pack abs for the first time in my life), then experienced a bout of extreme depression in early September which triggered my binge eating habits again, and I've now gained back 15 lbs of fat in less than 30 days. Yes, you read that right. Some days, I've eaten over 10,000 calories. I look awful and feel worse. I fear it's going to take me months to get back to where I was, but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm so disgusted with myself right now. Binge eating is ruining my life.


I feel for you...I go in and out of the binge eating but I am in huge binge mode right now. Can't stop eating...it's really out of control and I know I've gained weight but I'm too scared to look at a scale. I'm super bloated and disgusting and I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I have no self control.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I'm glad to see this thread back up again. 

I lost about 10 lbs and went down 2 dress sizes and now I'm beginning to gain it back because I can't stop myself from eating. The past few weeks I've had around 3,000-4,000 calories a day, maybe 5,000 on a really bad day, because I keep forcing myself to eat despite getting no enjoyment. I've been feeling too anxious in classes and in NC to stop myself from finding comfort in food. But then I start eating junk to feel better, and some weird part of my brain doesn't allow myself to stop. It's like, since I've nobody here, I'm going to keep eating and eating and let food be my company. Luckily I've gotten it down to 2500 a day about, though I'm still in constant discomfort because I'm forcing the food upon myself.

I'm getting worried because I'm starting to not be able to fit into my clothes, only within 3 weeks of loss of control. Yesterday I wore a skirt that used to fit me perfectly, but now cuts into my stomach and has difficulty zippering and closing. But I can't stop eating. This morning I had a thing of caramels, and I ate the entire box despite feeling sick halfway in and getting no pleasure from them. Pretty much I've been eating until I feel sick and literally cannot take in any more food, and once the stomach pains stop I eat again and just repeat the cycle.


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## Bowie (Oct 22, 2012)

I've recovered to a healthy weight of 119 at 5'7" 
I can't take it anymore, I look terrible, I feel I even looked better at my high weight of 123. I had to gain weight so fast that its all just fat. So I have decided to start losing again, I'm getting married in 33 days and I have to look perfect =[ Does anyone else have issues with not being able to digest starch?


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## kj87 (Sep 30, 2012)

strawberryjulius said:


> what this thread is about: i've been a restrictive and/or emotional eater for over three years now and i'm sooooooo tired of it so i thought i'd make a thread where i talk about my recovery journey.
> 
> i'd like to invite anyone to join me, it doesn't matter what kind of eating and/or body image issue you have, so long as you're someone who *wants* to recover.
> 
> and i'd like to ask anyone who does not have any eating or body image issues to please butt out unless they have some constructive advice. thank you!





strawberryjulius said:


> er, and i'm going to put a blanket *WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGERS* over this whole thread, so you've been warned!
> 
> i haven't really done so well today (binged in the morning.) something really upsetting happened on monday night and i've been having a really hard time just letting myself feel sad about it. it feels so damn uncomfortable so i just want to binge, damnit! so i'm just going to relax and be kind to myself today and get back on track tomorrow.
> 
> ...





strawberryjulius said:


> *11:43pm update*
> 
> i didn't weigh myself this morning. instead of *just* abstaining from weighing myself i've been trying to challenge my belief that if i don't weigh myself i will become fat. so i've been telling myself, "eating when i am hungry will not cause me to gain weight, so i don't *need* to check my weight." it is calming me down a bit.
> 
> ...


..........
..................
.................................................................

.................. Dude...... Just eat the cheeseburger :rub


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Today is the official day I stop eating a ton. I'm hoping to cut back to 1500 a day so I can start losing weight, just to get back to where I was before I starting my non stop eating.

So far I resisted the urge to get a Chick-fil-A spicy sandwich and Ben and Jerry's fudge brownie ice cream that I was crazy craving, so I decided there might be chocolate and something good to eat at the caf so I didn't go. I was on my way to Target to get the ice cream, which is next to a CFA, but turned around midway there so I'm proud of myself. I did have some tater tots and got a cup of ice cream and mixed in chocolate cake they had, so that was my substitute for the splurge, and it was actually really good, hit the spot. And I had it with a small side salad and cottage cheese. I don't have any more snacks in my room, and I'm not going to buy any more, because as soon as I do I feel this weird obligation to eat them all in one sitting. So if I have a really bad craving, then I have to go out and by a one serving of w/e it is (candy, ice cream, etc) rather than something with multiple servings in it. So I'm feeling pretty good and excited, I can't expect myself to resist the bad food all at once, but I was able to choose a better option that was a lot less calories.


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## Bowie (Oct 22, 2012)

Barette said:


> Today is the official day I stop eating a ton. I'm hoping to cut back to 1500 a day so I can start losing weight, just to get back to where I was before I starting my non stop eating.
> 
> So far I resisted the urge to get a Chick-fil-A spicy sandwich and Ben and Jerry's fudge brownie ice cream that I was crazy craving, so I decided there might be chocolate and something good to eat at the caf so I didn't go. I was on my way to Target to get the ice cream, which is next to a CFA, but turned around midway there so I'm proud of myself. I did have some tater tots and got a cup of ice cream and mixed in chocolate cake they had, so that was my substitute for the splurge, and it was actually really good, hit the spot. And I had it with a small side salad and cottage cheese. I don't have any more snacks in my room, and I'm not going to buy any more, because as soon as I do I feel this weird obligation to eat them all in one sitting. So if I have a really bad craving, then I have to go out and by a one serving of w/e it is (candy, ice cream, etc) rather than something with multiple servings in it. So I'm feeling pretty good and excited, I can't expect myself to resist the bad food all at once, but I was able to choose a better option that was a lot less calories.


Why not cut back more?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Bowie said:


> Why not cut back more?


I'm 5'10", 1500 calories a day is enough that I will be able to lose weight even without exercise. Plus, I don't have enough self control to go from eating 3,000 calories a day, to eating 1200 or so.

That said lol, I bought a box of Whoppers, but besides the salad and cup of cake/ice ream mixture I ate earlier, I'm having a salad for dinner and hoping I can cut myself off at half of a box. So after I count I'm sure I'll be at or under my allowance.


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## Bowie (Oct 22, 2012)

Barette said:


> I'm 5'10", 1500 calories a day is enough that I will be able to lose weight even without exercise. Plus, I don't have enough self control to go from eating 3,000 calories a day, to eating 1200 or so.
> 
> That said lol, I bought a box of Whoppers, but besides the salad and cup of cake/ice ream mixture I ate earlier, I'm having a salad for dinner and hoping I can cut myself off at half of a box. So after I count I'm sure I'll be at or under my allowance.


But even if you're under you're allowance you're just eating junk and you'll get fatty and lose too much muscle, especially if you're not exercising!


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Bowie said:


> But even if you're under you're allowance you're just eating junk and you'll get fatty and lose too much muscle, especially if you're not exercising!


I'm not just eating junk, I'm having salads for dinner every day and most days for lunch. Right now I'm doing pretty good, my bloating's already gone down quite a bit, so I'm happy with my plan.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Barette said:


> I keep forcing myself to eat despite getting no enjoyment.





Barette said:


> But I can't stop eating. This morning I had a thing of caramels, and I ate the entire box despite feeling sick halfway in and getting no pleasure from them.


I do this too, and I don't know why.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

So far, in the past few days, it's worked for me. In the last few weeks I've eaten the entirety of the groceries I buy, I'm actually proud of myself when I don't eat every since thing I buy. Which is sad haha. So not buying it helps so much.



Barette said:


> I'm not just eating junk, I'm having salads for dinner every day and most days for lunch. Right now I'm doing pretty good, my bloating's already gone down quite a bit, so I'm happy with my plan.


Okay, that turned out to be a lie. Ate two CFA spicy sandwiches, a moon pie. That was all I've eaten today. W/e. Hard thing is when you don't have people to eat with, you don't have many options of what to get. I'm still at about 1100 calories today, but yes it is junk.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I ate half a container of nutella, peanuts, and cool whip last night and I felt terrible.
At least I ate coolwhip instead of icecream.
I haven't eaten icecream in a month...so ya me!

I tend to binge at night after I take medication, anyone else do this???


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Barette said:


> So far, in the past few days, it's worked for me. In the last few weeks I've eaten the entirety of the groceries I buy, I'm actually proud of myself when I don't eat every since thing I buy. Which is sad haha. So not buying it helps so much.
> 
> Okay, that turned out to be a lie. Ate two CFA spicy sandwiches, a moon pie. That was all I've eaten today. W/e. Hard thing is when you don't have people to eat with, you don't have many options of what to get. I'm still at about 1100 calories today, but yes it is junk.


That's great Barette! I think it's a success that you didn't binge, even if what you ate wasn't the healthiest. For me, breaking the habit of binging is the hardest part.



ryobi said:


> I tend to binge at night after I take medication, anyone else do this???


Not as such, but I believe the medication I used to be on (Celexa) triggered my binging. And night time is a bad time for binging for me, but I've always taken my meds in the morning.

Yesterday I was craving a chocolate glazed doughnut, but standing in line looking at all the varieties, I thought, _to hell with it. One isn't going to be satisfying. I'm going to get four. _ Then I felt guilty ordering and only got two.

I went to the grocery store right after and was going to buy more food, even though I wasn't craving anything else in particular. I just wanted to binge. But I looked at the calories of the sweets and walked out of the store.

And I learned my lesson with ordering two doughnuts. The chocolate glazed doughnut (what I was craving) was extremely satisfying. The other one had a sickly sweet filling I wasn't expecting and I didn't really enjoy it, but I ate it anyway. I actually felt sick after eating both doughnuts. The weird part is I'm so used to turning to food when I feel lousy, I thought about what I could eat next after the doughnuts to make me feel better, when eating was what made me feel sick in the first place. But I resisted, and only had an apple for supper!


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

^That's awesome that you were able to only get yourself to order two, and see that you only needed one to get the enjoyment feeling, and that you resisted getting anything else! That happens to me all the time, where I crave something but go overboard, but I try to store that feeling of "why did I eat that? I didn't even enjoy it, it made me feel even worse" in my memory, so next time I can just say "no" That's definitely the hardest part, is telling yourself no. You definitely sound like you're on the track to getting complete control.

Today I'm pretty happy with myself though! I had 2 treats, I was on the run and they were readily available where I was so I just went for them. When I was picking up a package I got a moon pie, and when I was at Barnes and Noble I was feeling stressed and got some chocolate covered strawberries. Both were only 1 serving each, so I still stuck to that. For dinner I had a salad. Tonight though, I was craving a milkshake, so I ended up driving around for an hour to try and clear my mind, and ended up going back to my dorm without buying anything, and ate some cheese I had. So I resisted, and had something healthy instead! And overall, about 1300 calories! I'm very happy. I want to start going to the gym, but being around so many other people, and fearing running into someone I know or kinda know, it's too much of an anxiety inducer right now, so I'm just gonna focus on food.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

My bingeing is back down, but now I'm getting back into the restricting pattern. I need to find that happy medium.

Oh, and there's a thread on SAS with a diagram of all the face shapes and people saying which ones they prefer...I'm finding it very triggering because I know my face shape is far from what most consider the ideal.



Bowie said:


> But even if you're under you're allowance you're just eating junk and you'll get fatty and lose too much muscle, especially if you're not exercising!


This is incredibly bad advice to be giving out in a thread about ED and BDD. 1500 cals is a perfectly reasonable goal, and depending on how much exercise she's getting, there are some nutritionists who would say it's actually too low.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I had a craving for a candy bar but I figured while I was in the store I might as well buy two. I ended up eating both candy bars which contained 40 grams of fat!

Even worse I've been working out but I didn't lose any weight this month. My goal is to lose 60 pounds this winter and get in shape but it isn't going as well as I would like. If I just didn't binge at night I think I could do it


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Barette said:


> Tonight though, I was craving a milkshake, so I ended up driving around for an hour to try and clear my mind, and ended up going back to my dorm without buying anything, and ate some cheese I had. So I resisted, and had something healthy instead! And overall, about 1300 calories! I'm very happy. I want to start going to the gym, but being around so many other people, and fearing running into someone I know or kinda know, it's too much of an anxiety inducer right now, so I'm just gonna focus on food.


Go Barette! I'm super impressed that you resisted the milkshake urge and just drove around instead!

If going to the gym is too much for you right now, what about exercising in your room or going for brisk walks outside?



ryobi said:


> Even worse I've been working out but I didn't lose any weight this month. My goal is to lose 60 pounds this winter and get in shape but it isn't going as well as I would like. If I just didn't binge at night I think I could do it


It's great you're working out, although I imagine it's frustrating not to see any results. What do you usually do at night before/during your binges, and how late at night is it?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

viv said:


> Go Barette! I'm super impressed that you resisted the milkshake urge and just drove around instead!
> 
> If going to the gym is too much for you right now, what about exercising in your room or going for brisk walks outside?


Thanks! I really can't believe I did that! I'm coming a long way from over 3,000 calories a day, I'm surprised by myself.

That's what I was thinking, I have enough room that I could do a few things, my dorm is super tiny so it's limited, but still, some is better than none. I haven't been to the gym in almost 3 months now and I'm noticing the muscle loss.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Barette said:


> That's what I was thinking, I have enough room that I could do a few things, my dorm is super tiny so it's limited, but still, some is better than none.


Yep! If your floors are relatively soundproof or no one's living below you, you could get one of those exercise steps, or just find something sturdy to use. Jumping (with or without a rope) is also an option if noise isn't a concern. Hula hoops are good and cheap, but you do need a decent amount of open space so you don't crash into things. I'm thinking about getting on one of those contraptions that turns your bike into an exercise bike. I think the low end models are around $50.

This thread has more ideas.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

viv said:


> Yep! If your floors are relatively soundproof or no one's living below you, you could get one of those exercise steps, or just find something sturdy to use. Jumping (with or without a rope) is also an option if noise isn't a concern. Hula hoops are good and cheap, but you do need a decent amount of open space so you don't crash into things. I'm thinking about getting on one of those contraptions that turns your bike into an exercise bike. I think the low end models are around $50.
> 
> This thread has more ideas.


Thank you! I've already got a few ideas from that thread, and I love that idea of those exercise steps thing, I've heard so many good things about step exercises. Once I get money I'm def gonna get one of those. I'm excited now! haha

That sounds like a great idea, that's a great price considering the machines are like hundreds.


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## colder (Oct 5, 2012)

I didn't get to work out for the last 4 days and now I feel totally disgusting.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

colder said:


> I didn't get to work out for the last 4 days and now I feel totally disgusting.


I've binged for the past four days and I feel really gross too. I'm at my highest ever weight as I type this.

I think there are many contributing factors to my binging, but a totally new one occurred to me yesterday. I think I binge as a form of self harm. Does anyone else do this?


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## colder (Oct 5, 2012)

viv said:


> I've binged for the past four days and I feel really gross too. I'm at my highest ever weight as I type this.
> 
> I think there are many contributing factors to my binging, but a totally new one occurred to me yesterday. I think I binge as a form of self harm. Does anyone else do this?


Oh I totally agree. It is autoagressive behaviour. It's self-sabotage. It's a sympthom of self-hatred. It's not an isolated condition.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*in restricting pattern*

I lost so much wight my thighs dont touch, I know i should not be proud of this!

I'm posting becuase i've been watching Abraham-hicks dvds and i think it's helping my overall well being SO much.

I highly recommend you google it. The dvd sets were at my local library...


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

viv said:


> It's great you're working out, although I imagine it's frustrating not to see any results. What do you usually do at night before/during your binges, and how late at night is it?


I usually eat then at some point I take medication. After I take medication I binge then I go to sleep.

On a positive note, I've had food poisoning or something the last few days and I've lost ten pounds! I'm so stoked


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

ryobi said:


> I usually eat then at some point I take medication. After I take medication I binge then I go to sleep.
> 
> On a positive note, I've had food poisoning or something the last few days and I've lost ten pounds! I'm so stoked


Try to set a new pattern for yourself. Maybe go for a long walk after supper, take a bath when you get home, hop into bed, take your medication in bed, and turn off the lights right away. See if you can make yourself stay in bed until you fall asleep. I type this as I stuff my face with chocolate :b. I'm in no position to give advice.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

Thanks for the advice^.

Food Poisoning is awsome-lol. Even though I'm still sick, I still managed to gorge last night. I'm hoping I can get some momentum from the weight I've lost being sick.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

I knew my restricting was going to lead back into binging and I did it anyways. And now, this entire week, I've been eating nonstop. I actually bailed on seeing an old friend from high school because I felt too fat and disgusting. I'm not at my highest weight -- that would require another 10 pounds -- but it's creeping back up there. Why can't I just eat like a normal f***ing person?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

After months of periodic binging (up to 3000 calories a day) and restricting (some days only having 200 calories) I decided to try and be better so I've been staying around 1200, or trying. There've been days of like 2000 or days of 600, but so far I've been trying to stay between 1200 and 1500 calories.

And today I went to the gym, because I've been losing a lot of muscle, and I figured it'll give me more energy, help get me into better shape, help anxiety and depression, and also good exposure to go to the gym. I even used the machines (like leg curl and bench press), which I always feel so self conscious doing, but I did them anyway. I only went for 30 minutes because I started to feel really sick (I'm getting my period, lol), but I'm still proud, and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm gonna try to go for 30-60 minutes every day, and let myself do every other day once and a while. I'm actually feeling really motivated to go, it felt good feeling my muscles get sore from a workout again.
Plus, I thought that I'd gained weight since I've been giving my metabolism the middle finger lately with my eating habits and also since I haven't been getting any sleep, but I've lost about 2 lbs, probably because I've lost so much muscle from laying in bed 24/7.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

Body image is at an all-time low right now. Everything is a trigger.


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## Vic Damone Jr (Jul 1, 2012)

Thought I had my binging under control, but it turns out old habits do indeed die hard. I just started shoveling food in my mouth for no particular reason. Counted it afterwards and it turns out I ate just over 2000 calories of food in about 30 minutes. Now I feel so bad I'm going to force myself to workout for a few hours after not sleeping in over 24 hours. Why do I do this to myself?


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

I've had problems with binging for most of my life but recently i watched a hodgetwins video and they have a cheat day every week or so where they eat whatever they want. (I know it's for working out but I think the principle could still apply to my situation.) I think instead of quitting cold turkey, which seems really daunting, it would be reassuring to have a day where you could eat whatever you want. That's what I'm trying. I'll keep this updated and tell you guys if it works or not.


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## HeyJuliet (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm so happy this thread exists!  

Binging and BDD have gotten the best of me for the past four years. I'm a monstrous binge eater. I can't remember the last time I went a day binge-free, but I'm doing my best to get some healthier eating habits. I also have serious BDD. I nearly flunked out of college due to skipping so many classes because I felt too fat and ugly to be seen by other people. I was too disgusted and ashamed of myself, and I would often isolate myself in my room instead of going to events or hanging out with friends. I also recently lost my job due to missing work for a whole week with no notice for this reason. 

I'm trying my best to pick myself back up. We can do this!


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

*Thread Revival!*

I want to bring this thread back! Who's with me?

So, how's everyone been doing? Since I last wrote in this thread, I was diagnosed with EDNOS and I had some therapy for it. One component of the program was making weekly meal plans using the exchange system, and I was quasi-compliant in following my meal plan. I had the occasional binge, but not nearly as often as before I was in treatment. I was a bit of a bad patient, though, in that I didn't eat all of my exchanges and it slipped under the radar for a while until they noticed that I was losing weight.

I read some books on binging and overeating while I was in treatment and I found a few of them useful, although others didn't help very much. I thought The Binge Eating and Compulsive Overeating Workbook by Carolyn Ross was pretty good.

Have any of you had any success from books on emotional eating/over eating? Which ones have you read?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Ooooh I'll have to look into those books, they sound good. 

I'm glad that the exchange system worked for you, even if you slipped at least you know that there's something that helps you and it's great that your binges are more manageable than they were! 

I had to use the exchange system for a short while (one of my diagnoses was an EDNOS, as well) but I didn't like it. They wanted me to see a nutritionist and continue with it but I didn't. My eating's a bit erratic the past 6 months or so, I get obsessed and anxious about it and will binge and purge every now and then, or maybe eat a ton then have to workout (like burning off 1000 calories or something) but for the most part I'm okay now. I concern myself with food and my body for most of the day, but I'm trying to eat healthy. Since I spend most of my day thinking about food and body image, I tend to lose my wits with food, but I'm trying to not think of it as end-all-be-all (like last night I ate till I felt nauseous and then still kept eating, but today I was very healthy and even worked out---whereas a couple months ago I would've given myself like a 500 calorie limit or something). This is better than even a month ago, where I would plot out my calories for the week, planning the binge then the restricting (like I'd slip and have maybe 4,000 one day, then not eat the next day while working out so I'd have a negative number to balance it out, or eat only 500 calories + workout for two days, just general obsessing like that) 
I'm doing the same as you, focusing on health and getting fruits and veggies and fats and some good grains, and trying to handle the anxiety and obsessiveness. I think about food most of the day, and I worry about it and get anxiety about my body which makes me feel bad and then want to eat, but I'm in better control of it. My EDNOS isn't major anyway, it's a byproduct of my other issues, so it's easier for me to handle it than it would be for someone who is solely plagued by an eating disorder. I'm lucky in that way I guess, but it is the most pervasive byproduct of them (more so than the SA and depression that my BDD causes). But I still hate the anxiety and obsessiveness. I'd like to be able to not think about food all day. The other day I had a cookie, then felt immense anxiety, then to placate that anxiety, I ate even more and more and more on food I didn't want and felt sick on afterwards, till I was much over my calorie limit. The week before that I had a cookie at my lunch break at work, then had to go o the bathroom to purge it because it gave me so much anxiety. I'd like to just eat a cookie and have that be that, instead of either purging it, or then eating up to 1000s of extra calories worth of food I don't even want for a reason that I don't even know. Sometimes I think it's a form of self-harm, like I hate myself or something so I eat and eat and eat to not numb the pain, but to punish myself. Over the course of maybe 4 months, I've gained like 5 lbs, then lost 7, then gained 10, and now I've lost like 3 lbs and hope to keep losing. Thankfully my metabolism is very efficient (it gains very easily, but also loses very easily).

Long story short, thanks for bumping this thread and recommending those books, I'm going to check them out. I'd like to just be rid of the anxiety and obsessiveness I have with food. It's pretty much my favorite thing to talk about, what I'm eating how I'm eating it what I should be eating what I shouldn't have eaten how much weight I gained how much weight I lost how much I want to lose... Hell, I've been writing and editing this post for like 25 minutes, and I could for longer...


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Thanks for helping me bring this thread back, Barette!

It sounds like you've made so much progress! And it's awesome that you're able to recognize your progress. 

I really disliked working with my dietician at the time, but I think it helped me in the long run. One of the main struggles I had with my dietician was getting variety into my diet. I see her point, but if I can eat my favourite vegetables and proteins everyday, why deprive myself of that? Yes, yes, balanced nutrients, and so on and so forth. I guess I'm just not at that point yet. 

I love thinking about food and nutrition, and as I recover from binging/restricting, I need to be careful not to slip into orthorexia. I love looking up all of the vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fibre, etc in foods and creating meal plans. (I have way too much time on my hands.) I'm also walking a fine line between eliminating foods for the sake of my overall health, and eliminating foods as an ED behaviour. But I am fascinated by dietary manipulation and want to try all sorts of eating schemes to see the effect on my mind and body.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

No problem! I forgot about this great thread. It's the place where I can ramble about my food choices (which I love to do---I love how you can see how much we focus on this given our posts XD)

I am right there with you when it comes to variety. I don't like variety in my diet. If you were to look through my posts on the "post everything you ate today" thread, I eat literally the same 3 meals every day. I get anxiety when I don't, I don't like to. I switch it up with the snacks (different dried/fresh fruits and treats---of which I go crazy on often--- but the basics are always the same). I used to love eating out but now I can't because it feels wrong, to change my meals. I don't like it. If I run out of certain things it feels wrong, too. I have recently and it feels just... wrong, haha. Having a pattern that I need to go by, maybe it's a way of ensuring I stay true. Since I've been doing this I have been better, so maybe it works? Even if you're not at that point you can still take vitamins and stuff in case you're missing something.

But it's great that you feel great! Why do you think you binge? Because I can't figure mine out. I said I think it's self-harm, but IDK. Self-harm seems most fitting, I feel sad and worthless so I eat and eat till I feel sick then eat more till I hate myself then keep eating. Then I might go to the gym and work to burn 1000+ calories then not eat the next day or eat as little as possible, as a way to maybe control my problems? Like cutting myself, then the body taking control and healing the wounds, maybe that's also what I do with eating. I don't get it though. Luckily when I don't "binge" anymore, I just eat maybe 2K+ calories (3K at most nowadays) and when I do, I don't restrict the next day. I just start over again. One day at a time, and it feels better. I try and erase the previous day's slip from my mind.

I do the same! I loooooooove reading about different foods and what they do and incorporating them into my diet and eliminating the bad stuff and then figuring out what goes with what. That _is_ what I liked about the exchange system, the part of having a fat with a starch for a snack and then a this with a that and a that with a this. I didn't like the quantity of food along with frequency and rigidity of the system, but I liked looking at foods as fats and starches and carbs and dairy and fruits and vegetables and all that. And having to have one with a certain other. And even if you cut it out then slip, I'm sure that having not had those things for alittle while will have done you good, and then if it's a slip, like I said, it's one day at a time. So if you slip, you can just ignore the past, and just focus on _today_ and what you want to make of today. I found that if I think "I don't want to eat this and that for a week" then I freak out and I never make it the week---I end up going nuts on what it was I wasn't "supposed" to eat. But if I go about my day like "Well, tomorrow I can have this. But for today I'd like to treat my body to a day of healthy and good-for-me foods. If I still want this cookie, then it will always be there tomorrow and I can have it tomorrow" Usually since I'm promising myself the choice to have it in the near future, then I am able to avoid it. And then, the next day, I don't even want it anyway. Next thing I know, I've gone a couple days having eaten very healthfully, and then better able to control myself over the treats that I _do_ have. So if you want to cut some things out for your health, then I say cut yourself some slack! Take it one day at a time.


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## error404 (Oct 18, 2010)

I haven't been restricting much as of late. I don't know whether to attribute that to just not caring anymore or because I binge too much to even think about it. Trying to decide if there is a lesser of two evils here. Probably not. I'm struggling between wanting to be healthy and fit or being thin as a rail. Anyways, that's about as much self-analyzing I can emotionally handle right now. This is screwing me over big time. Need to find better coping strategies.


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## nervouslyawaiting (Oct 6, 2013)

I haven't admitted this before, but I really think I am an emotional overeater. I'm not obese, but I'm about 14lbs overweight. I'd go to the supermarket after a tough day and buy a pack of biscuits and eat them all in one go when I get home. Even though before I go in I think "I won't buy a multipack of _anything_ because I have no control. So then I can just have one of something. But then I go ahead and buy them anyway. I'm so stupid. :afr

I didn't mention the frequency of the binges. Lately I went three weeks without a binge and was really proud of myself, but during stressful periods I can binge every night for about a week before I stop for a few days. It's the compulsiveness of it which frightens me.


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