# A struggle for the life i deserve!



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Hello and good morning/afternoon people.

I'm gonna start keeping this "journal" to write down my efforts to do something new in my life and get out of this miserable, boring and unhealthy life i currenly live.

The roots of my social anxiety problems goes back to where i was a child. I began growing fat, which in turn made me isolated. No 1 cared, my class-mates thought that i am a lone freak and my teachers, even after countless times of seeing me alone and without friends, didnt care. I never had a very good friend of mine, only temporary acquaintances, never had a grilfriend (of course), 
and when i moved in another city for a college busines degree, i decided to start a new life.

Instead of that, i grew fatter, i avoided the few opportunited i had to make some good friends and meet girls and my only activity was staying in my house playing videogames day and night. The only good thing that came out of the college time was proving to myself and the other that i can live alone in a new city and the presentantions helped me face the anxiety i feel when i am the center of attention.

Then the worst thing happened in my life, the army. The army, which is obligatory here, is more or less a society of mostly young men where usually the most dominant conversation is sex, girls, and of course living together in a single building. It was the most horrible time of my life. Withing 2 months i lost 30 kg (from 286 pounds to 220 pounds) because of the daily training and the few hours of sleep(approximately 3-6 hours of sleep every night, depending on your obligations, which differs from day 2 day).

I had to share everything with the others, even the bathroom, many would mock me for my excessive weight, and generally it was a living hell. I was sooo anxious and frightened that i actually stopped eating. The first month i would eat once or twice a day. I lied about my sex experiences, making up stories about girlfriends i never had, but they could see it in my eyes that i was a virgin. Most co-soldiers knew it, they just didnt bring up the subject to avoid insulting me, especially after so many times of craftily avoiding sex-themed conversations, either by pretending to be tired, or in a hurry etc.

Eventually after the initial training i served the rest of the 9 months far away from home in the country's borders, where i developed a i-take-no-crap-attitude defending my personality by being offensive and rude whenever possible.

Needless to say the army made me even more anti-social, inhibited, and lately the lack of sexual intercourse really gets to me.

I feel like, now that i lost all of this weight, ironically thanks to the army, i need to do something to change my life. If i keep living like that then my life would make no sense. So im gonna update this thread with my efforts because when i am exposed to all of you, it makes me feel more obliged and responsible about my actions.

I am sure that you see in my stories a lot of similarities with yours, so PLEASE do not hesitate to comment with your experiences, advices and opinions because that will help me a lot.

All of my goals must be short-terms so i can achieve them.

Goals:

1: _Start working on my family shop_.
I often avoid working there because of the heavy interaction with many people i dont know (customers). I will have to fight my shyness and lazyness and find a motivation to start working.

_2: Go into a Gym._
Yes, a gym will help me lose the rest of my pounds and help me live a healthier life.

3: _Eat healthier_
I will have to stop all the deliveries and the junk food if i am to lose weight.

4: _Start to communicate with others_
I must stop avoiding speaking to people and be more friendly and socially condident with them.

5: _Build self confidence._

All of the above goals will eventually lead to the next 2 crucial goals, 1. start a new activity (sports or something else) and 2. make a friend which in turn will make me more socially active and extrovent.

I am tired of being fat

I am tired of being lonely 

I am tired of having no girlfriend

I am tired of feeling like i am an underachiever
:mum:mum:mum:mum:mum:mum:mum:mum:mum


----------



## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Great goals! please keep us posted on your progress


----------



## harry26 (Dec 4, 2014)

i think army training compulsory after the study of youth which makes to challenge and more plucky of all the Generation.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

RIGHT NOw i am about to go to a gym and register as a member.
I am soooo anxious because, as you know, i dont really like socializing with others, with my SAS and all.
I dont have a good feeling about it, i feel like the others will laugh on me and my weight, we will see....


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Update: Ok so i am back from the gym. when i found the gym i started feeling anxious. I walked up the staircase and started hearing some men shoutings and yellings, probably because of some heavy exercise. I though that if the gym is full of young macho guys i'll be feeling very inferious every time i visit it. 

I stopped for a moment, then kept moving forward. To my relief there was nobody in the reception desk to greet me. The receptionist was a trainer herself so she was busy. That gave me time to observe the gym and feel a little bit comfortable with the area. Then she noticed me. She was around 40s, only wearing an athletic t-shirt and a pair of kneepads O__O' with sport shoes.

when she approached i started speaking first and became tongue tied for a second. I was only stuttering in my attempt to greet myself but finally i managed to get past this and obtain informations for the gym. 

I registered for a 1-month memebership and once i finish writing here, im gonna wear proper athletic clothes and visit the gym again for my first exercise day.

Wish me good luck, i feel im gonna need it..


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Just returned from gym.
The owner greeted me and he trained me for the first day. I was very anxious about how i would look like in front of the others but thanks god the gym wasnt very populated. Of course there were some moments i w'ld think everybody is looking at me but that wasnt the case.

I am glad everything went well in my first gym day, i told them im gonna visit them 2morrow at 9-10 am. Hope i will, cuz both the owner, the trainers and the atmosphere was very friendly


----------



## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

I like these kinds of threads. Keep us posted


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Today was a very productive day. I visited the gym again, the exercises were more difficult this time, i spent approximately 2 hours and 5-15 minutes at the gym, then i took some rest in the home and went to work to the shop for 3-4 hours. Aint much, but its a good start. 
Bad thing is, some foreign customers came to the shop and i had to speak in English in order to communicate with them, so i started feeling very anxious again. At a point i wished they could just go away without buying anything.

I also managed to keep a balance on what i eat, which is a good thing.


----------



## mind_games (Nov 30, 2008)

Keep it up John Kas!


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Every time theres holidays like christmas sometimes i feel so nostalgic and sad about the past, about my loneliness and what could i have achieved if i didnt have SA issues and was a normal guy like everybody else. Social anxiety makes us feel like underachievers, losers and mean. I say mean because when you have SA you sometimes feel like jealous of others and their achievements.

For example, i logged in to my facebook account some days ago and noticed an old school-mate is now travelling around Europe, uploading pictures of himself and his international friends from Poland, and Spain and Germany... when i saw his pictures i felt so sad and depressed, because i could be just like him if i ever really tried to, instead i chose the easy life of getting fatter and fatter and isolated from the world.

Have you ever logged into facebook and feel jealous of someone you know because of his achievements, too?

It really saddens me that i wasted (and still wasting) my time in front of a computer playing videogames like Skyrim or some mmorpg rather than pursuing meanigful activities in my life like visiting other countries, getting more friends etc. Now, what worries me most is that not only i feel sad about myself every time i see those pictures of my old school-mates, but i also feel like i hate him. And i dont want to end up like a miserable hater... which i already am... i guess 

I also failed miserably on the shop goal... i havent even set foot on my shop the last week...actually the last time i went to the shop was in my last post above...

At least i had the gym to make me feel better, every time i exercise i feel like i'm losing weight anfd my muscles are growing but the last 4 days i stopped the gym too and surrender to eating junk foods again D: which is a really dissapointing fact. And the fact that the gym closed for the holidays is not really an excuse. And those m&m are so tasty 

The gym will reopen in 2 of January, this Friday. I plan on visiting it of course. At least now that i am acquiainted with the trainers there im not so anxious.


----------



## scubadiver007 (Dec 27, 2014)

I personally think your priority should be to lose weight and not to worry about talking to strangers since I think it would be your weight that is stopping you. Playing computer games means you still repress the motivation and drive by saying to yourself how much it will improve your life.

This should be of some inspiration (a recent story from my local paper):

Lady loses 3 stone in nine months


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*It happened 10 minutes ago*

I just went out to the balcony, to see the city. I turned left, to see the mountain. I was suprised: the whole mountain was covered in snow. I rarely get to see snow where i live, so i love snow since my youth age.

A sudden emotion of sadness overwhelmed me though, because i desperately want to visit the mountain and..you know, play with the snow  but i dont have friends. And i wont go alone. I tried to tell my parents to visit the mountain this weekend but they might be busy. And the snow wont wait till' weekend.

Its so hard not to be able to find a way to enjoy what life has to offer. But if you have social phobia issues you cant do things by yourself and you need others (family,) to do things together. I wonder when i will ever touch and feel a little snow in my life, again...


----------



## scubadiver007 (Dec 27, 2014)

With safety in mind, yes you can go to that mountain alone. All you need to do is give yourself the permission.

Western society is so hung up about having to do things with other people.


----------



## mind_games (Nov 30, 2008)

scubadiver007 said:


> With safety in mind, yes you can go to that mountain alone. All you need to do is give yourself the permission.
> 
> Western society is so hung up about having to do things with other people.


+1 Go out there and give yourself this experience. Even if it's not your ideal situation, it's still a more unique experience than staying in.


----------



## ilsr (Aug 29, 2010)

John Kas said:


> And i dont want to end up like a miserable hater... which i already am... i guess


that is strange, I'm the same way myself. I want to be neutral around people. But then unconsciously people react to me like I am envious and hateful of everyone else being much better off around me. how do we fix this unconscious anti-social negative development. Certainly quacks never knew how to fix it; just siphon the patient's money for their living, etc.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

scubadiver007 said:


> With safety in mind, yes you can go to that mountain alone. All you need to do is give yourself the permission.
> 
> Western society is so hung up about having to do things with other people.





mind_games said:


> +1 Go out there and give yourself this experience. Even if it's not your ideal situation, it's still a more unique experience than staying in.


 I see what you both are trying to say. Although, there is a question: How will i go to the mountain alone? I never use the taxi, or the bus, so i just dont know the means to get there. I dont even know where in the mountain i should go. For example, i dont know if there is a hotel, or a restaurant somewhere that people usually go.

Today i woke up and found out that my aunt,uncle, their family and grandma all decided to go to the mountain to enjoy the snow, except for my family which did stay at home. -__-'

I felt sad. I told them i want to join them but they had already left so.. it was too late.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

ils25r said:


> that is strange, I'm the same way myself. I want to be neutral around people. But then unconsciously people react to me like I am envious and hateful of everyone else being much better off around me. how do we fix this unconscious anti-social negative development. Certainly quacks never knew how to fix it; just siphon the patient's money for their living, etc.


 I think the only way for people to like us in this situation is to stop being neutral and start congratulating and complimenting them for their achievements and pretend to be happy about them, either we really are or not.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Hello there, and Merry Christmas to everybody.

Ok, so some good things happened the past 6 days.

First, remember the last posts where i complained about not having the ability to go to the near mountain which was very snowy etc etc?

well, i told my parents that i really like going into the mountain and they planned it to go the previous Sunday (4/1). I went 2 the mountain, it was very snowy, and it made me very happy. we played with the snow and i explored the area a little bit. So much fun!

The Monday i spent 2 hours at the gym, and during the stretching exercises an old friend of mine, from high school appeared. That made me A LOT of nervous and anxious about exercising in front of him. while doing it, he and his friend started laughing, and of course, i started thinking that they laughed at me. Sooo i acted like a coward (like i always do) and skipped some of the stretching exercises.


The best thing though, is that today, we visited the snowy mountain again 
Not the mountain from before though, but another mountain located in a state next to ours. I had fun exploring some of its villages and then sat down and eat in a local restaurant.


----------



## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

John Kas said:


> Hello there, and *Merry Christmas* to everybody.
> 
> Ok, so some good things happened the past 6 days.
> 
> ...


I was so surprise to read that. Then I checked your location and realized that the Greek celebrate Christmas on the 6th of January. Happy Christmas to you!


----------



## wanderer13 (Jan 13, 2012)

Hey there countrymate

Looks like the army actually had a pretty positive effect on you! Congratulations on losing all this weight, from my understanding and experience the most important thing you can do when you want to change your life, is to have a big focus on the body image: Nothing reminds you (and everyone around you!!!) how far you have gone more than your new look.

Another thing is that people that are close to us, will sometimes subconsciously want to remind us who we WERE, so it might be good to create some distance if they are an obstacle to our growth...especially if these people are our own parents as is often the case.

Btw this stoke me as weird :"I never use the taxi, or the bus". Well, do you want to keep doing the things you were doing or try something else? 

Nice thread


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Hello there wanderer

Yes, i sometimes think of how i want to look like in the future. I think it is called Visualization. It gives you some motivation boost, which is temporary. 

Now this is exactly what my parents do, they remind me of who i was to prevent me from getting fat again. But.... how can we create some distance with our own parents?

I wanna try something else, but on the previous case there was also a practical matter: The taxi would require a lot of money to go from the city 2 the mountain.
I am anxious of doing new stuff so i am so worried about what others might say, i dont want them realize that i live in a city for the past 24 of my life and i dont even know its still adresses and locations well enough


----------



## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

Good luck!


----------



## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

yes, i hate that I have to "struggle" to live a life everyone can so easily attain..

Yesterday was my first day of class, and I was bymyself, I however got to talk to a lab assistant that seem younger than she was... and she really was.. she was 18...

and I thought to myself, what the hell was I doing at 18 ? it just dawned on me then ..that i can't let my life idly pass me by....

and after my 2 classes, I felt so weird waiting for a [email protected] 23 ..when others just simply headed out to their car... it didnt help my retarded dad was 2 hours late, I stood by the door and kept looking for him .. not once did he come in -___- he expected me to be outside standing under the gazebo looking out for him..despite it being wet and cold.. and when I fnally came out.. he seemed to have an attitude >.> 



Then sunday, after work..it was drizziling... i live 2 minutes away from work-- 
my dad showed up in the parking lot... and shouted " BriTtAnY!" .... I just kept walking >.> 

that was so fuggin embarassing... he's worked before as a teen.. if his dad did that to him he'd be thoroughly embarassed -___- 

Idk.. I feel I lead a really embarassing llife//

sorry for my rant.. I just had to get it out today...

but congrats on your attemps at change ^^


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Sugarslippers said:


> yes, i hate that I have to "struggle" to live a life everyone can so easily attain..
> 
> Yesterday was my first day of class, and I was bymyself, I however got to talk to a lab assistant that seem younger than she was... and she really was.. she was 18...
> 
> ...


I see.
well Your father makes you look like a grown up girls who still depends on her family that annoys you? Or is it his clumsiness?

Me too i feel very guilty and bad when i say that i am 24 and still depend on my family's money to live, and that they were paying my college.

Although, by what you are saying i dont see any embarassing life. Your father behavior is normal for many people.where i come from, (Greece) 7/10 parents speak very loudly and they are clumsy, over more they like interfering in your personal life till you become 30 years old. I myself hav felt embarrased mostly by my mother several times be4, but i know both my and your parents act like that cuz they love us.

Have you tried talking to your father about it?


----------



## shycat69 (Nov 16, 2014)

I like the positive way that John has been since his experience in the army. I am sure that he can reach his goals. I wish him all the best in his future life and experiences. Sometimes its necessary to struggle for the life you want, deserve. He certainly is struggling and the weight loss during his time in the army was not a bad thing. It jump started his desire to improve his life. 

Good man


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*Update Tuesday 13 January 2014*

The last days i surrended to my laziness and obesity.

Today, i tried to recover. with success. I dont kno why, but in the evening a strange feeling of confidence and need 2 gym-like feeling overwhelmed me, so i closed my laptop, got dressed and went to my gym. BIG MISTAKE

Gyms tend to be very crowdy at evening and nights. Although i suspected that i risked and visited the gym nonetheless.

when i entered the gym it was indeed populated, most of the people being young and athletic, both men and women, which really made me feel inferior.

But i kept pressing my feelings so i started exercising. After 20-30 minutes of training even more girls showed up which made me feel worse. I dont like people looking at how fat and stupid i look like while training.

Over more, not only did they challenged my social phobia, they also made me depressed, cuz every time i see a cute woman it reminds me that i cant have a girlfriend because of my social phobia and inexperience. And they were there doing some... martial arts training using loud music and dancing and there was one woman i really liked in particular and couldnt stop watching her. (Stalker?)

Before that i had to share a training machine with another woman, but she had changed the machine difficulty level to better suit her abillities. Then it was my time to use the machine but i didnt know how to change the difficulty level. I could ask the trainer but that would be embarassing for me cuz my trainer wasnt there (he is only there every morning). So my second choice was to ask the girl at how to change the difficulty. Even more embarassing! Ita unbelievable how many little and STUPID problems people with social phobia deals with every day.

Sooo i decided to use the machine using the woman's difficulty level hoping that no1 would notice. Miserable eh?
To my suprise though I noticed that the difficulty level was already average 2 difficult for me, which made me think that this woman was apparently stronger than me. That sucks..

By the end though, i was very happy that i faced my social phobia issues and kept training in an environment full of better trained and better good looking people than me.


----------



## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

John Kas said:


> I see.
> well Your father makes you look like a grown up girls who still depends on her family that annoys you? Or is it his clumsiness?
> 
> Me too i feel very guilty and bad when i say that i am 24 and still depend on my family's money to live, and that they were paying my college.
> ...


Lol I wish i was greece or came from a traditional family..so Id have a reason ..atleast, to be dependent and home bound  and yah I talked to my dad abt it.. and he said he wouldn't do it again..so I hope he'll keep his word

Meanwhile, I came back from work... and it was really good, a girl gave me a sandwhich to go home with ^__^ i work w/ hella sweet people :3


----------



## slowlyimproving (Jan 2, 2014)

Keep moving forward. Some days you will have a "lapse", everyone does! Just get back up and continue with your quest for a better and more fulfilling life.


----------



## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

Hi John! I can relate to everything you said in your post. We have army conscription here too, and when people talk about sex and girls....
I agree with you : if we didn't have SAS, our life would be exactly like others, only much better!

I'm not sure if there' zumba classes near where you are, but I feel they're a lot way more efficient at shedding pounds than regular gyms exercises, and the classes usually are mostly all girls, with a couple of guys, but even thats' rare. It will help you lose weight and get more comfortable in the presence of women. You won't have to talk to them or make eye contact for a start until you feel comfortable. I didn't LOL

Good luck....you deserve a better life....all of us do!


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

Hello people, i am back....
I left the SA forum for a while, but i returned. I didnt find my thread at the Goal setting category so i thought they deleted it, but it was stored. SO i will start updating my news here, again.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

So my last post was at 1-13- 2015, and now its April 9. What did i change since then?


Well, lets start with my weight and obessity. Somewhere in mid-january I abandoned most of the gym activities so i got a little bit fatter, too. I did it because, as most of us, i am weak, and i am so obsessed with unhealthy food. Besides, obesity is a huge part of what created and maintains my SA.

Sooo i started skipping gym and eating unhealthy foods... untill Thurday, 12 of March.
That night, i saw a dream of a girl i really like. I dreamed of her. I dreamed that i was sitting, on a couch, with the rest of the family. On top of me was that girl-yes! she was sitting on me. She hugged me like i was her boyfriend and started fondling each other!! The rest of the family didnt notice as they seemed to have a hot argument about...something. I could almost feel her skin, although it was a dream.

How do i remember all this? I am writing down every personal experience on a Microsoft Office OneNote. ^ ^

Anyway, next day, when i woke up, i was shocked and sad by the dream. I was sad because, i knew that this would only be a dream. I would never have Maria (thats the girl's name) and she would never like me. 

It somehow motivated me though to at least go to the gym that day. I visited the gym, and then i decided to avoid eating unhealthy foods for the rest of that day. And i succeeded. Since then, i started living a healthy life again.

I started going to the gym again, day after day. I downloaded new motivating songs for my MP3, so i could listen to them while in gym, so i dont lose interest. 

I lost SOME weight too, but i need to do more. Unfortunately, i am a little bit fatter than when i started this thread  by 2-3 kg.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*Studying English*

Studying English!!!

So, from 24 of March, Tuesday, im following English lessons.

I do it because i want to learn English, and perfect them. The reasons are many:

1: English is the first and international language. Almost every guy and girl of my age can handle speaking average English. I want to perfect them so i can be as good as them, and maybe better, because as you can probably tell im not good at it.

2: Because of my work i have to deal with foreigners every summer. Now i can do it easily if i improve my English.

3: I will no longer depend on subtitles when i watch movies.

4: It will booost my self confidence!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5: I will be able to communicate with people around the world. (just like now, but, with better English lol)

Of course, having SA didnt make the whole effort easy. The good thing is that i have a personal teacher so there are no other people in the class. And the teacher is a very good guy whom i trust and feel comfortable being with him.


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*March 11 2015*

I've been to the shop today. 

Do you remember in my first post, one of my goals were to start working on my family business.

One of the reasons i dont go to work is my SA- too much interaction with strangers, customers etc. Its embarassing.

But today i went to the shop and worked there for like, 3 whole hours.

Buying some new clothes (im happy for that)

Because of the Army days i lost a lot of weight so, now, the summer arrive, and i dont have appropriate clothes to wear on. Most of my summer clothes are for overwheights

So i visited a clothing shop to see what can i do about it. I wasnt very anxious about it because the owner was a good friend of my father and i felt comfortable with him. He shown me some good clothes that i really liked them.

Its wonderful how much you can raise your self confidence just by wearing some good looking clothes.

Im gonna visit this shop again and buy some new casual clothes ^ ^


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*March 12 2015*

Today was a good day too.

I went to the shop to work, for 3-4 hours.

Then, as i said to the previous comment, i bought some new clothes ^ ^

Now i know that comfortable clothes that you like can some times raise your confidence and make you more.. calmed.

The bad thing is i didnt want to go to the gym 

I only had time at evening but Gym is full of people by that time of the day and i just dont feel comfortable going to the gym because of that :/


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

*Bad guy lauging at me in the street?*

While i was returning from the gym i walked through a cafeteria. There, there was a company of 2 guys and a woman.

1 of them was kinda tall and fairly muscular. When he saw me he started smiling (and im talking about an ironic, wry smile) and then his friend immediately turned to look at me.

I was listening some music on my MP3 so i didnt hear what they were talking about although they started laughing behind my back : /

All of the above could be just SA illusions, you know, when we think they are talking about us but they are actually not talking about us.

But i will be damned if i waste the rest of my life on wondering if others mock me behind my back and complain about it later on some SA site.

Im going to keep training hard and eating healthy and then i wont give a damn what they say about me....


----------



## John Kas (Feb 5, 2014)

SO the past week was really great, in terms of exercising and losing weight.
I spent a lot of hours in the Gym, but it seems thats the only thing that i love doing those days.

Im not in the mood for anything else, the only thing i do is going at the gym and then wasting the rest of my day in my room playing games and browsing the internet.

unfortunately, today i met a good old friend who i hadnt seen him for years. He said that he is going to meet up with some of his old friends tonight and he invited me to come too. He said he will call me to remind me of it 

Now thats a difficult situation for me. I hate Socializing and since im so anxious when i am around people, i am thinking of some excuses to avoid it. On the other hand, i dont want to fool him cuz he is (was) a very good friend of mine and i am sure he will understand if i try to avoid it, besides i think he know i have SA. I mean, everyone knows they just dont tell it. 

What am i gonna do? :/


----------



## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

John Kas said:


> SO the past week was really great, in terms of exercising and losing weight.
> I spent a lot of hours in the Gym, but it seems thats the only thing that i love doing those days.
> 
> Im not in the mood for anything else, the only thing i do is going at the gym and then wasting the rest of my day in my room playing games and browsing the internet.
> ...


That would be terrifying to me too. I have a hard enough time meeting up with one old friend. In the past I've made up excuses when asked to meet up with a friend and some people they knew. Terrifying worrying how they might judge me and I'm not good at interacting with new people. The unknown with social situations is hard on me.

If he understands, sounds like he is a good friend  Maybe ask if you can do something just with him sometime later because groups bother you? Best of luck either way. If you ended up going, hope it went good


----------

