# 'How to Poop at Work'



## Babygirly (Dec 2, 2004)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


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## Buerhle (Mar 6, 2006)

opcorn 

very interesting. thanks for new vocabulary and advice for this situation.


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## roswell (Feb 4, 2006)

haha, i remember running across that like... 3 years ago. there was also another one like this.


rofl - turd burglar... *wipes tear*

that's classic...


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## Dreamcatcher (Nov 8, 2003)

opcorn


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## Argo (May 1, 2005)

Those are great. What's really bad, though, is when you're in the stall and someone comes in the room without realizing you're there. They think they're all alone, so they revert to their natural state --- which can be highly embarassing. I once was in a stall next to a guy who had to give himself a pep talk:

"Come on, you can do it. Okay okay. [Sucks in deep breath]. You've got this. Okay, you can do this. ["plop" noise]"


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## Jnmcda0 (Nov 28, 2003)

Argo said:


> Those are great. What's really bad, though, is when you're in the stall and someone comes in the room without realizing you're there. They think they're all alone, so they revert to their natural state --- which can be highly embarassing. I once was in a stall next to a guy who had to give himself a pep talk:
> 
> "Come on, you can do it. Okay okay. [Sucks in deep breath]. You've got this. Okay, you can do this. ["plop" noise]"


That's when you use the Camo-cough or the Astaire. :lol


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## Babygirly (Dec 2, 2004)

HAHHAHAHAHAHA^ well.. I think people who FART in restrooms are RUDE.. So when they do.. I like to go "....Ewwwww!" Pretty loud so they hear.. lol. and yeh.. I crack up to myself.. but try not to let them hear me laughing.. duno if they end up embarrassed or what.. I guess I am just a sick, bored individual.

...Hahahahahahahahahahaha. .


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

^^^That's from a FEMALE, too!

My problem is that I will never remember all of the terminology! I am so afraid of watermelons.
It's bad enough that I use potty protection papers, put toilet paper in the bowl so I don't make too much noise, and usually wait to let loose until somebody camo-flushes!


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## RedTulip (Nov 9, 2004)

Thanks for the tips. Just let me tell you I was laughing so hard reading your post. The laugh did me good tho. I actually feel pretty good right now. :lol :lol :lol


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## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

purpleice said:


> Thanks for the tips. Just let me tell you I was laughing so hard reading your post. The laugh did me good tho. I actually feel pretty good right now. :lol :lol :lol


 :agree 
I got tears from laughing so hard at this. :rofl


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## Mehhalic (Jun 6, 2005)

omg I am so sorry but this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time :lol :lol :lol :lol


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## Nonamia (Nov 8, 2003)




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## Danny Boy (Apr 6, 2006)

*Poop Wage*

not sure if this is over the top but @#$% it i'll share it with you anyway. Basically i have a job in the north of England that i hate. Its that boring that i go for half hour dumps (even when i don't need em) and just read magazines to waste time and avoid working - nice career choice! I found out that my mate does the same thing.

Anyway, we devised a plot to see who was paid the highest hourly 'poop wage'. Basically you time how long your poop takes (time in the cubicle) than add up all the time at the end of the week and work out how much money your boss paid you for taking a dump! So far my mates winning, but i wracked up £16.40 worth of dump time last week, i'm very proud of that achievement

Jesus, i really need a new job!


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## SebFontain (Jan 27, 2004)

^ Hahahahaha that is too funny!! Man the funnyest moment I have ever whitnessed in a bathroom was around the age of 14 when I was at a baseball game. I had to go #1 really bad so I left my seat to go to the bathroom right after an inning. Well I made my way into the bathroom and the bathroom was completely full except one standing urinal. I was in luck so I took it. As I am peeing I fear a fart followed but another fart, followed by another, and another, and another, and another. There were 7 farts total, one after another that came from different stalls!! I swear it sounded like 7 people all took stalls lined up and farted right in a row!! OMG there were so many guys in the bathroom that lost it and cracked up!! Yep I will never forget that... Including what I like to call my very own "Walk of Shame when I was 5 years old at the movie theatre with my grandma. Hahahaha MEggie knows what im talking about :lol


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## Squizzy (Dec 21, 2004)

Mehhalic said:


> omg I am so sorry but this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time :lol :lol :lol :lol


same :lol :lol


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## ladybugs (Jun 14, 2006)

wow, this is hilarious.


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## sonya99 (Sep 5, 2005)

Argo said:


> Those are great. What's really bad, though, is when you're in the stall and someone comes in the room without realizing you're there. They think they're all alone, so they revert to their natural state --- which can be highly embarassing. I once was in a stall next to a guy who had to give himself a pep talk:
> 
> "Come on, you can do it. Okay okay. [Sucks in deep breath]. You've got this. Okay, you can do this. ["plop" noise]"


oh geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!











Babygirly said:


> HAHHAHAHAHAHA^ well.. I think people who FART in restrooms are RUDE.. So when they do.. I like to go "....Ewwwww!" Pretty loud so they hear.. lol. and yeh.. I crack up to myself.. but try not to let them hear me laughing.. duno if they end up embarrassed or what.. I guess I am just a sick, bored individual.
> 
> ...Hahahahahahahahahahaha. .


aww, that's sorta funny hehe but I would never do that because I think everyone has the right to fart in the bathroom :b


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## OnyxHeart (Jun 13, 2005)

Speaking of pooping...


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

bluemonday said:


> Speaking of pooping...


Women poop?!? :shock :fall


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## OnyxHeart (Jun 13, 2005)

Lonelyguy said:


> bluemonday said:
> 
> 
> > Speaking of pooping...
> ...


Wonders never cease


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## CWoods (May 10, 2013)

*On a more serious note...*

This is totally good stuff, but, I like CANT poop at work. It's an anxiety thing. Have you got it too? Need folks like us to take this survey for the good of all. https://www.psychdata.com/s.asp?SID=153888

~Avoid the WATERMELON, use a CAMO-COUGH! lolz


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