# Being used?



## shy_girl (Dec 12, 2006)

This is the situation (if you don't mind reading lol). A while ago I was at work and started talking to this guy. Found out we got on pretty well, had many things in common. We were just friends and that was it I thought. Then I left my job there, he phoned me up and asked me to come out for a drink, nothing much there either I thought. Then, and this was back in October, he told me he was attracted to me. Then he said shall we go in my car, it was late at night, and he started coming on to me real strong. I just told him to cool it, and he did, I said i rang him which i didn't lol. 

Then the other day I was talking to him on msn, and it all came back to the same subject. He basically says he really likes me yeh, but it all comes down to sex with him. I feel like he only wants to see me so he can have sex. Now I do like him, and it was me who actually initiated the talking on msn after so long, but I just feel like maybe I should let him go. 

Question is: 
Is this the kinda thing that goes through all guys minds? 
Thing is I'm still a virgin and am a bit hesitant because I haven't had any real long term things.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## ott (Aug 2, 2005)

I doubt this guy is after any kind of real relationship, although I'm no expert on the field. If your spider senses are telling you that he's up to no good then they're probably right.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

If you just want to have sex with him, then maybe. If you are looking for a relationship, then no. It sounds like he's being pretty direct. Don't expect him to change for you either.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

shy_girl said:


> He basically says he really likes me yeh, but it all comes down to sex with him. I feel like he only wants to see me so he can have sex.


 Um, I wouldn't be surprised if that were true. I figure this is basically how most guys think? Ofcourse I could be wrong. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing given the situation. Why did you decide to contact him again through MSN?


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

i would run in the opposite direction.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



ott said:


> I doubt this guy is after any kind of real relationship


No guy is. Anybody who says either wise is either lying or is completely feminized to begin with.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

Well, relationships are part of our culture. That doesn't mean everyone has to buy into it. Guys want sex but there's a difference between wanting a one-night stand and wanting something more lasting. I don't think it has much to do with being feminized.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Lyric Suite said:


> ott said:
> 
> 
> > I doubt this guy is after any kind of real relationship
> ...


Wow I guess I'll just say I disagree with your opinion. That may be your feelings but that's not mine. Sure I'd consider myself not the most masculine guy (because of sa) but I'm not completely feminized either. Strangely enough I don't have a desire to have a different girl every, week, month or year. If that's the definition of a guy then I'll opt out of it.


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## shy_girl (Dec 12, 2006)

dez said:


> shy_girl said:
> 
> 
> > He basically says he really likes me yeh, but it all comes down to sex with him. I feel like he only wants to see me so he can have sex.
> ...


Well I felt bad at how I had left it last time I saw him, but you guys are probably right. I just wanna guy who is a bit different, but then again maybe I'm asking too much lol


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Lyric Suite said:


> ott said:
> 
> 
> > I doubt this guy is after any kind of real relationship
> ...


?? Ok, so you say guys don't want relationships. Ehh... that's why many guys are married or in long time relationships ?? That post made no sense at all.

Personally, if i met a great girl then sex etc... isn't something i would really think about. I like her and want her to stick around so things like that can be done later. But if i just thought a girl that liked me a bit looked attractive then maybe i would go for sex only .....


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Well, I'd forget the whole "is this what all guys want" question, as it's irrelevant to this particular situation and no-one can answer it anyway. This guy isn't a "user" per se, because he was absolutely honest, and kudos to him for that, but don't expect more. He can't have been more upfront about his desires and expectations, and it doesn't make him wrong, or you, but unfortunately it does mean you want different things. 

Move on. I'm sorry this is happening but if you expect more from this guy you'll only end up hurt. :hug


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Carbon Breather said:


> ?? Ok, so you say guys don't want relationships. Ehh... that's why many guys are married or in long time relationships ?? That post made no sense at all.


The fact many men settle for long term relationships (mostly due social pressure/brain washing and the trappings of initial infatuation) doesn't mean that is their first priority in life, particularly in today's increasingly matriarchal society which has given supreme reign to feminine ideals when it comes to family values and has all but annihilated the image of the father figure (or that of the 'family' to begin with).

It isn't a big secret that most men regret being married (even when jokingly expressed an internal conflict is apparent), and for the most part the prospect of eternal female companionship restricted to one single individual is enough to send most guys running in terror, particularly at a young age, where the mere expectation of anything long term whatsoever is all but laughable (girls, take notice). Mind you, this has nothing to do with 'sex' (sexual liberation is after all a matriarchal value. Later on this). Most men are more then comfortable to mate with one single female for the rest of their lives (unless a better option comes along. This goes both ways), it's the obligation that comes with union that turns them off.

The latter is due the fact that on the onset, the number one priority for a male is self realization and the winning of social status among other males (this is done through the idea of 'honor', a conception most females don't seem to understand). This phase is interceded by the need for spreading ones genes, hence, the drive for sexual intercourse and the increased predisposition to short term infatuation (which lasts several months up to one year, just enough to ensure the protection of the female during an eventual pregnancy). After that the drive for social conquest is resumed this time in concomitance with the need for mating, all though both forces appear in lesser forms (i think nature didn't plan for us to live long lives and doesn't quite know what to do with us after a certain point).

From what i see the female perspective seems to be different. Their number one priority is union, possibly with a male who is particularly successful with his climb towards social status (ironically and by extension, women are turned off by men who make union their first priority).

All this creates a conflict of perception because our current conception of long term relation is female sided. Our cultural values impose the generally accepted belief that true happiness can only be achieved through union with the opposite sex (the myth of love), marriage being the number one goal in a man's or woman's life. _This is a completely feminized conception_. Happiness for males means status and honor, which can give way in an infinite number of possibilities in how those impulses are going to be satisfied. The need for companionship follows a different path, one that is compulsory to the word 'need' itself rather then the mental state inherent in the term 'happiness'.

The fact females cannot understand the needs of males (and vice-versa) mixed with the cultural conception of union (which of course most of them are very comfortable with. Women are naturally inclined to look for the 'one' right away) gives women the impression they can seek and most importantly _impose_ long term union over males, on the wrong assumption this is what males want as well, and worst yet, the correct way (based on what society tells them). Those males who don't comply are some how morally deficient and portrayed as villainous (I.E., jerks).

Now, here's the kicker. Because society and the institution of family union gives women the certainty they are going to get a long term union no matter what (or worst yet, has made union redundant given there are better ways for women to assure support for them and their litter, I.E., divorce) has lead to a deterioration of all the ideals and the conception of the lady which made women desirable on long term in the first place. This means a lessening in the cultivation of female beauty (as well as personality) and a complete focus on the only remaining item of the list: sexual attraction.

This of course has lead to another huge miss conception, that is, that all men want is sex. Most men know this is complete rubbish. Sexual desire is like food, you crave for it when you need it but don't care about it in between. Constant exposure will result in abuse, guilt and boredom, which is made worst by the fact a lot of men are naturally driven to asceticism.

This means that the idea all guys want is sex comes from women. It's not by accident that the sexual revolution started with women, and it's not hard to see that the moment women take control over their own sexuality a society will become extremely libertine and sexually liberated (where 12 year old girls will walk around half naked, by their own will and with the approval of their scantly dressed mothers). This is true for most cultures with strong matriarchal tendencies (take the ancient Celts, where it was customary for women to expose their genitals as a form of 'greeting' every time the men came back from battle or a long expedition, and where most lived in a general nakedness), where as patriarchal societies will almost always lead towards restriction of female sexuality, sometimes to ridiculous extends (Islam anybody?).


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Screw that status and honor I couldn't give 2 ****s about, I want to be loved by one female in a long term relationship.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Prodigal Son said:


> Screw that status and honor I couldn't give 2 @#%$ about, I want to be loved by one female in a long term relationship.


And i say screw long term 'relationships' and a life of complete servility to the myth of love.


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## bigchris407 (Dec 20, 2006)

One thing that has always mystified me about women is how they come to this assumption that all men want is sex. I mean yes, it is in our nature to want to have sex... also it feels pretty good. But sometimes it seems that women take that leap with only the tiniest signs of lust. I may have misread the post, but it sounded like you guys knew eachother a little while before he came on to you. The fact that he got rejected and still stuck around to talk on msn shows he's interested in a little more than sex. 
I remember on time I went on a date with a girl. I spent 20 min. over dinner talking to her about what I wanted and how I was old fashioned and wanted a real relationship. I was more than a gentlman with her, we had a good time, laughed a lot. I made one mistake and that was enviting her to my place to watch movies... which btw was really all I meant and she calls me a few days later and accuses me of only wanting sex from her. This blew my mind. I explained it to her and she said she understood and she felt better but I was left wondering if I really wanted to date a girl that didn't listen to a word I said... over dinner anyway. Now this guy probably doesn't want to marry you or anything and since you are a virgin I respect that you want to take things slow but girls, please give us guys a break sometimes. Plus, I don't think you want a guy that doesn't want you... do you?? I mean that's why girls hang out with gay guys right. There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy eachother, sometimes the guys just has to test the waters which also by the way lets us know who we are dealing with. If a girl wants to jump in the sack right away, I usually just think of them as fun girls, not relationships but if I don't test the waters, I will never know.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Er, how's about we stay away from the whole "men want" "women want" thing....?

I mean, I couldn't give a toss about having children, a diamond ring or union with a man who has status and can give me security. On the flipside, most of my single heterosexual male friends want to settle down and have kids with a good woman. Gender-based arguments help no-one. True, there are social trends but for crap's sake, individuals are individuals and to reduce them to nothing more than their plumbing and chromosomes insults pretty much everyone. I bet you've been reading the sosuave forums, Lyric Suite.  

Anyhoo. Topic.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

When I was a virgin and I went out on dates, I only went so far. Sometimes things got too hot n' heavy and I made sure I let the guy know I wasn't ready to go all the way. The ball is in your court, it's up to you what happens. You do want to make sure you're really into him and that he's not out just to sleep with you. It seems like you want something more.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



bigchris407 said:


> sometimes the guys just has to test the waters which also by the way lets us know who we are dealing with. If a girl wants to jump in the sack right away, I usually just think of them as fun girls, not relationships but if I don't test the waters, I will never know.


I hate the double-standard that's out here. You said if a girl "jumps in the sack right away", you don't consider her relationship-worthy and all that b.s. Most guys do the exact same thing, it takes two to have sex, but the guy has the nerve to think of the girl as "less than" after it happens.
It's sickening.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



pyramidsong said:


> social trends


Social trends? Hardly, i'm talking about human nature here.



pyramidsong said:


> I bet you've been reading the sosuave forums, Lyric Suite.


Tsk, sosuave is filled with n00bs. Most of them are not perceptive enough to look at the big picture... :b


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*

...


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Nevermind then.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

shy_girl said:


> Well I felt bad at how I had left it last time I saw him, but you guys are probably right. I just wanna guy who is a bit different, but then again maybe I'm asking too much lol


What do you mean "a bit different"?


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## shy_girl (Dec 12, 2006)

BeNice said:


> shy_girl said:
> 
> 
> > Well I felt bad at how I had left it last time I saw him, but you guys are probably right. I just wanna guy who is a bit different, but then again maybe I'm asking too much lol
> ...


Good question. I don't know, possibly someone who gives a damn about me, and not just to whether they can get what they want or not. Maybe its just that I attract the wrong guy, but I have been out with a few guys and they all seem to have the same mindset. I could have just jumped into bed with the first guy, but I wanted to wait for the right one, but I'm just wondering now whether there is a right guy out there lol.



> I may have misread the post, but it sounded like you guys knew eachother a little while before he came on to you. The fact that he got rejected and still stuck around to talk on msn shows he's interested in a little more than sex.


Yeah, you have a point, but I just don't get why sex is the first thing that comes into his mind as soon as he told me he likes me.


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## bigchris407 (Dec 20, 2006)

How is this a double standard?? She is talking about someone who she has known for a while and stuck around after she didn't sleep with him. I'm talking about judging someone based on their actions on a first date. But that doesn't mean my views wont change or that I shut the girl out for a chance of a relationship just b/c she sleeps with me but it seems like she's talking about shutting the guy out because he showed an interest in sex. Two different situations.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

I wasn't talking about the girl who posted the topic at all. I was just going based on what _you_ said in your post about "testing the waters" and not considering a girl who "jumps in the sack" as a relationship. Those were your words and your opinion, but now you've explained yourself better.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

shy_girl said:


> BeNice said:
> 
> 
> > [quote="shy_girl":3ceb5]Well I felt bad at how I had left it last time I saw him, but you guys are probably right. I just wanna guy who is a bit different, but then again maybe I'm asking too much lol
> ...


Good question. I don't know, possibly someone who gives a damn about me, and not just to whether they can get what they want or not. Maybe its just that I attract the wrong guy, but I have been out with a few guys and they all seem to have the same mindset. I could have just jumped into bed with the first guy, but I wanted to wait for the right one, but I'm just wondering now whether there is a right guy out there lol.
[/quote:3ceb5]

I guess it depends on how long you're willing to wait. Trust me, I'd still be waiting for "Mr. Right" if that was the case. I met someone I really cared about and I know he cares about me so things happened naturally.
He's not the love of my life or "the one", but he's a good guy...and I was way horny. lol I'm so bad...

My biggest fear was having regrets about who I lost my virginity to, but I don't. You'll know when the time is right.


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

*Re: re: Being used?*



pyramidsong said:


> This guy isn't a "user" per se, because he was absolutely honest, and kudos to him for that, but don't expect more. He can't have been more upfront about his desires and expectations, and it doesn't make him wrong, or you, but unfortunately it does mean you want different things.


 :agree I like that he was honest. So many people refuse to be honest, for fear of losing someone or something they want. Others just assume their partner is on the same wavelength, a dangerous assumption to make. Most people don't speak of expectations at all...not until the relationship is falling apart. So kudos to him, he cared enough to lay it on the line, to prevent a possible heartbreak.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Strange Religion said:


> bigchris407 said:
> 
> 
> > sometimes the guys just has to test the waters which also by the way lets us know who we are dealing with. If a girl wants to jump in the sack right away, I usually just think of them as fun girls, not relationships but if I don't test the waters, I will never know.
> ...


But that's a generalization. Not all guys are jumping into the sack with a woman after a few dates. But in a way this double standard screws some guys over. Example: A guy is attracted to a girl but doesn't want to move too quickly. He wants to form a deep meaningful connection. The girl is thinking why doesn't this guy want to sleep with me. He must be gay or doesn't like me. I can't take it, I'm moving on. Bottomline in my opinion you have to get to know the person before you can make a judgement call like oh he's gay or doesn't like me because he hasn't attempted to have sex with me and at the same time you can't make a judgement call because you heard someone jumped into the bed rightaway with someone. Perhaps they were fed lines. Perhaps they were looking for love and thought the sex would lead to love and a relationship. You have to know their state of mind what they're looking for and the only way to know this is through getting to know them.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: Being used?*



Lyric Suite said:


> pyramidsong said:
> 
> 
> > social trends
> ...


Humans can be nothing more than animals but they can also be a lot more than animals. It's their choice as to what they want to do and be. Those that want sex an nothing more have that right. Those of us that want more than that have the right to pursue this. I will grant you for most finding sex is easier than finding love. I guess I'm a greedy guy. I see sex as more commonplace than love. Love is priceless making it far exceeding sex on its own. Most people have found sex but few have found immortal love. Sure you could say with money you can find a wife that falls in love with you for the money but she really hasn't fallen in love with you; she's fallen in love with the money. Sex alone with no love would leave me empty; and being a young adult in america I feel less of a man for saying that, lol.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



scairy said:


> Strange Religion said:
> 
> 
> > bigchris407 said:
> ...


I didn't use the word "all", I said "most" guys are just as willing to jump into the sack, but it's the girl who gets the bad wrap. That was my point. 
If a guy didn't want to sleep with me, I wouldn't think he's gay, that's just silly. I wouldn't doubt there are girls who think that way though.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Being used?*



scairy said:


> Lyric Suite said:
> 
> 
> > pyramidsong said:
> ...


It's great that you feel that way. I just wish more guys had that mentality...at least the ones I go out with...


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