# HOLY SHEET - BREAKTHROUGH



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

YEAH

Just a big, mu-fuggen BREAKTHROUGH. Like, digging down and finding the source of all that crazy, foul black **** at the core of my soul ... who put it there .. how to get it out ....

OMG I feel like I just found the damn key. Im sticking it in my pocket so no fu**er can steal the thing.

WOW

(schema rocks)


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## Polar (Dec 16, 2006)

*steals key and jumps onto rooftop*

Catch me if you can!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Draws heat seeking missile launcher from belt, presses 'fire and forget' button, then calls in serious airstrike on rooftop and observes 14,000 gatling rounds strip one little black clad ninja naked

WHEEEE I have figured it out!  Yay!!!


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## Polar (Dec 16, 2006)

Ow crap, that was unexpected.

Well, congrats for figuring it out... 

Whatever it is and how and such.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 3, 2008)

Congrats! I am curious to know how this came about (although I know it is via that schema thing), unless that is personal.
But I am very happy for you.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I identified the source of all the really black, horrible stuff. All the words that go through my mind when I have a 'moment' ... "sick, pervert, selfish, disgusting, conceited, stuck up, creep, only out for yourself ... all the words I internalised about myself, the ones that make me feel that if anything good happens, I should be punished .. I should punish MYSELF ... wanting happiness is WRONG ...

I know who said them, I know why, I know its still happening even now. I know what I need to do, I know where to concentrate my efforts. Theres a wall to climb to get there, but I feel like I finally found the answer. I cant believe it was staring me in the face, even today as a 30 year old man. Yeah it came up through the schema stuff, but not all in one go ... I teased it out slightly and then just sat on it for a while ... then talking to people ... I dunno, something CLICKED. Suddenly I stopped being ashamed of my feelings, stopped pushing them down, and saw it for what it is.

But without the schema stuff, they were buried under shame, I couldnt look at them because I felt too GUILTY. Suddenly that lifted - i felt empowered to think for myself, to find my own truth. I couldnt look at it whilst I felt too GUILTY to, and instead I made it a part of who i was. But it wasnt - it was the words of someone who was hurting, bitter, emotional, blaming and hurtful. I dont have to feel GUILTY OF THINKING THIS ABOUT HER ANYMORE. IT WASNT MY FAULT!!!

Ahhhhhh I feel like a marathon runner who just turned into the final straight.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I feel like I just took the biggest emotional dump of my life.

Now it really IS time for a holiday


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

:yay :yay :yay :yay :yay :yay :yay :yay :yay :yay 

:banana :banana :banana :banana :banana :banana :banana :banana :banana


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I have no idea what you are talking about, but WTH.....

:boogie :boogie :boogie


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Thank you!

I feel like rambo - tooled up with the weapons of war I need to fight the final battle!!

Wheres mah goddamn M249, Mu-fugga?!!!!!


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

You crazy.

But congrats man!!


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 3, 2008)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> I identified the source of all the really black, horrible stuff. All the words that... etc


Again, well done.  I certainly think this is a major turning point for you.


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## Cake (Jan 9, 2008)

yeeeeeeeeah boyyyyyyyyy

that does sound like a mu-fuggen breakthrough. :nw :nw


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Ahhhhhh I feel like a marathon runner who just turned into the final straight.


Oooh, nice analogy since I can relate to it! :lol

Yes, you're on Cloud 9!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Update for today = how this new information is feeding into my day to day experience:

A few weeks back I had noticed I felt as if I might be attacked at any point when walking down the street, and that I had a lot of violent fantasies. THIS IS NOT SA - but reflects a deeper mistrust and sense of abuse. Sure enough, I have the Mistrust and Abuse schema - but I didnt completely understand why. My dad had been rageful and sometimes physically abisive, my mum was mainly critical and humiliating. But I remember when I used to get beat up on the street when I was younger, that I felt I had no right to stand up for myself, that I deserved to be punished and abused. I have been carrying this around all my life, reasoning that I was bad, despicable, disgusting.

So when I realised that these were the words my sister had been feeding to me since I could speak, that I was selfish, self obsessed, mean-hearted, disgusting, unlovable - when all I wanted was for her to love me, I internalised that. I SURRENDERED to this idea, and made it part of ME. It is just about the only schema I surrender to - the rest are all overcompensations.

Anyway, my fear on the streets came from being beaten up a lot when I was little (like 5-11) - but suddenly I realised why I felt I DESREVED IT - at my core, I felt descpicable, unworthy, unlovable, disgusting, almost as vile as a paedophile or sex offender - thoigh I had never done anything of the sort. It had come from what my older sister had been telling me forever. So when I was abused verbally or physcially, I would respind how I did to her (and when my dad would hit me) - by freezing, by accepting my punishment, by feeling saddened. Aware this is how I react, I became even more terrified of people attacking me because I felt there was NOTHING I could do to stop it - after all, I deserved it.

But it didnt tally. I have trained martial arts, I know I can be loud mouthed when I want to ... so, suddenly I knew why I held myself back from standing up for myself. As I walked around town today, I STILL felt on edge (insight alone is not enough to cure a lifetrap - insight comes quickly but change takes time and hard work) and that people might hurt me, BUT I felt more confident in myself that I could handle it - because now I am ALLOWED TO. 

All through one piece of information.

It will still take me a long time to grow to trust people, and to be able to pick the trustworthy ones from the untrustworthy ones, and I realise there are still other contributing factors from my parents and literally a lifetime of being bullied. But now I realise how lifetraps KEEP THEMSLEVES GOING and actually draw you into the situations that see your past repeated, I FEEL THAT THE PAST NO LONGER HAS TO BE THE FUTURE.

Next comes the imagery, cognitive, letter writing, and therapy work to begin to change the patterns in my friendships, romantic life and with my family. May take a while, but now I have a map 

Ross


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## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

Awesome 
Now go relax! lol you deserve it.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

:squeeze


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Wow, that's some great stuff above. Sounds like you've got a nice new avenue for exploration.


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