# RESOURCE: Common SA thoughts and some challenges



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Just like the title says ....

The main thing you are aiming to ask is: WHERE IS THE COLD, HARD, UNEMOTIONAL EVIDENCE THAT THESE THINGS ARE TRUE?

A: _Everyone is looking at me_
B: *MIND READING;* Without being inside someone else's mind, how can you be sure that ANYONE has a particular interest in watching your behaviour? You cannot know this unless you ask them or look up - and in fact in SA we tend to 'go inside' ourselves and block out the world around us. *OVERGENERALISATION;* "Everyone" is? Really? Or is it one? Two? *MAGNIFICATION:* What would it matter if they actually were? What would happen? Are they going to text their mommas and poppas and say "hey ya gotta hear about this LOSER". What influence do they have over the people they might contact? Does one disapproval necessarily lead to unending abandonment and abuse? Are they really ideally placed to be the absolute weigher of humans? The ultimate judge of human worth? Why? Would you do the same to them, or anyone else? When someone is "embarrassing" do you decide that they must be beheaded, or do you say "heh that dude made a bad. Right, whats for tea?"

A: _Everyone can see me shaking / blushing / my lip wobble_
B; *MAGNIFICATION: *Aside from all the relevant ones from above, its worth knowing that human nerve ending feedback in the body is FAR more sensitive than the human eye. So when we 'go inside' ourselves, and start to hyper-focus on any sign of feeling shakey or blushing, becuse we are now paying extra attention to what is already a strong stimulus it feels HUGE. However, to the observers eye, the movement is barely perceptible. Video is a great way to confirm this but hard to set up. In addition, the more we focus on it, the worse it gets. (NB The solution to this problem can be partially found HERE. *CATASTROPHISATION: *What would happen if you saw someone shaking? Would you run away and tell the first person you saw? Or would you feel slightly sorry for them, perhaps even nurturing? If people wanted to avoid you after seeing you shake, does that make them caring human beings or something else? What would happen if you were to disclose your nervousness? I actually find that when I do people are VERY understanding, and a lot of people pipe up and say they feel the same. Then your anxiety drops as you know you will not be judged!

A: _I am boring / have no social skills_
B: *LABELING:* You are placing yourself into an extreme, black and white category. Have you EVER, IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, said even ONE interesting thing? Does anyone find you interesting? If you speak to no-one, how can you know this for a fact? If you are suffering anxiety, perhaps this gets in the way of being natural and connecting with people in order to use empathy to understand if you are 'losing' them. Its good manners to check to se if someone is still foloowing you. *DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: * Because you feel anxious, it is very hard for you to express yourself. But, when you feel comfortable with someone, how do you feel about your 'skills' then? In fact, "social skill" is not about techniques and approaches - it is simply allowing yourself to be caught up with the mood. There are 1000's of different personal styles and really there isa only what works FOR YOU. Again the attentional training exercise will help hugely here.

A: _My mind always goes blank_
B: *OVERGENERALISATION*: Are there times when it doesnt? When you are more comfortable, do you find you can keep your train of thought? *MAGNIFICATION:* Why does it matter if you lose the thread? You can just say "Oh BUM I lost my train of thought then. I was going to make the most amazing point ever. Oh well lets talk about muffins instead". How valuable was that conversational gambit anyway? *MIND READING:* What do you imagine others are thinking when you lose the thread? "KILL HIM. RIP PARTS OFF HIM. CANCEL HIS CREDIT CARDS. DO NOT LET HIM REPRODUCE EVERRRRR" or perhaps its just "oh, I was following that." or "oh silence, I guess I better say something now". You don't know, so dont assume!

A: _I must ask that girl out _
B: *SHOULD STATEMENT:* You harass yourself with impossible demands and tell yourself there is absolutely no other way to be. You are thinking in *ALL-OR-NOTHING* terms - either you are an utter success or the scum of the earth. You may *DISQUALIFY THE POSITIVE* and not see that you actually tried. You may commit *MAGNIFICATION*, blowing up of other peoples skills, the importance of her approval, and you may deflate your own good points and see yourself as weak or pathetic. You would be *LABELING* of course, because no one is 100% anthing - including weak or pathetic. How have you been strong lately? Its also an approval addiction, where you measure your own worth based on the opinions of others. You must learn a new value system that has a love of yourself at its core - begin taking care of yourself. Start a hobby or learn an instrument. AIM FOR SELF-GROWTH instead of admiration from others.

A: _People are so mean - they always attack me for being shy_
B: *MIND READING: *Are they attacking you, or do they in fact want to talk to you? Perhaps it is THEIR ILLOGICAL THINKING that you 'should' be talkative. Perhaps they mind read YOU and presume you dont like them, and so ask you why you are shy in a fit of childish pique? Did it ever occure to you that other people have cognitive distortions too? If someone disapproves of you, maybe it is because of THEIR screwy thinking. Its only if you buy into their abuse, or misinterpret their neutral comments badly, that you feel bad. ITS OK for you to be shy - its a human, normal trait. In fact they could be kinder and try to be nice, so if they dont - who is being screwy now? *LABELING*: Only Vlad the Impaler was 100% mean. People are a collection of may different traits - sometimes they are mean, but not always and not all of them. Thats *OVERGENERALISING*. If one person shows a bad trait, you see that as reflecting the whole of humanity - and thats the *MENTAL FILTER.*

A: _I felt like such an idiot - they must have thought I was a real klutz_
B: This one is a stinker - and very core - for SA. Its *EMOTIONAL REASONING*. You FEEL anxious or depressed and you take this feeling as evidence that people are judging you, or that you came across badly. It is very insidious and colours everything you take in. But your FEELINGS are not facts - your feelings come from the thoughts and meanings you attach to the events around you. As its the brains job to attach meaning to things before you can 'feel', it makes sense that if you are attaching meaning based on how you feel at the time, then your assessment may be way off base. HAVE YOU GOT EVIDENCE, OR DID YOU JUST 'FEEL' IT?

A: _If no one says nice things to me then I must be an idiot / ugly / boring_ OR _In order to be valuable I must have a boyfriend / girlfriend_
B: This is an *ASSUMPTION* and a *RULE*. ASSUMPTIONS are of the "if ... then" construction and RULES are "In order to ... I must". But they are not true. In logical terms, they are NON-SEQUITURS - the outcome does not follow logically from the input. If people are not outwardly nice, it may be they are shy. It may be you radiate animosity or never make eye contact and so people dont feel open enough to compliment you. You forget the rules of RECIPROCITY - that you get back what you give in the world. The less aproval you want, the more you tend to get, especially if you are giving instead of expecting!! You may also be disqualifying the positive (she didnt mean that comment, she just pities me) and labeling (idiot). Having a boyfriend may make you FEEL wanted, but it does not equate to value or human worth. Approval is transient - if your value is based on the coddling of another, who may not be so willing to pet you 100% of the time, then your moods will be the mercy of your lover's whim.

As i think of more I will add them, or feel free to post any you are having trouble with.

Ross


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## bobbawobba (Dec 4, 2008)

lol "dont let him reproduce ever!"thats hilarious.i like that


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## StimulateYourBrain (Nov 20, 2011)

this is things i really need to know. Thanks alot man


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## Tweedy (Jan 10, 2010)

Thanks for this!!


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## SweetNSour82 (Dec 19, 2011)

Thank you!!!!!


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## Jene (Jan 13, 2012)

That's really amazing, thanks. I was having a hard time with shyness today, but after reading what you wrote, I feel energized! I'm going to beat this social anxiety thing if it's the last thing I do (although I hope it isn't!).


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