# Feeling more and more distant from friends



## penxyl (May 9, 2016)

I've recently felt incredibly detached from my friends and I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I get envious of how they're all going off and living their own lives and making new friends. No one ever really contacts me out of their own volition and I am usually the one who tries to initiate conversation. It's disheartening to admit this but I feel like none of my friends would consider me their best friend. Ranking shouldn't be a thing with friendships but I just can't help worrying and fretting over this. I desperately wish that at least one person would consider me near and dear to their heart, but my hopes remain low.

I get unneccesarily preoccupied with the idea that my friends aren't contacting me because they've got better things to do than bother with me, or they've got better friends. I see them interact with other people and the voice in my head is telling me that "See? They're having so much more fun with others" and that "You're so boring and mild, no wonder no one wants to talk to you". I'm especially filled with envy towards my friends that have made so many new friends and can just draw people's attention to them. I wish that I were as easily sociable and likeable as them and that I don't try to overanalyze everything I try to say and do in a social situation.

With the people that I am more comfortable with(friends) I still feel like I am trying to hard not to step on a sore spot whenever I interact with them. I try to say what they'd want to hear, or I try to be the least inflammatory during group discussions so as to not cause strife. I want to be liked by everyone which is an impossible task, yet I strive to do so anyway. I try to be neutral and thus, I don't have a trait that truly stands out as a unique indicator of who I am and I'm just known as the always nice and generally agreeable friend. I also tend to put on an air of peppy cheer so they've all ingrained the idea that I'm the "happy" friend as well. I feel slightly saddened at this, because to them, I am a two-dimensional projection of an emotion that I rarely now experience. Then again, it's my own fault for pretending to be something that I'm not.

I think that the main problem lies with me not being open enough with anyone. No one, not even my family members, knows about how I feel and what thoughts I have. I've tussled with finally admitting all my feelings with someone that I know, but I cannot find the strength within me to do so just yet. It's really conflicting when I simultaneously want to be closer with people and yet I'm unwilling to make the emotional investment required of it. Perhaps I shouldn't blame myself so much, but I've been beating myself up internally over this for quite a while and I think that it's really time to get some outside feedback. It's getting to the point where I'm feeling terribly lonely and guilty because since I'm doing nothing to help alleviate the situation, it's only natural that I don't deserve deeper companionship. I know that kind of thought is unreasonable to have but it keeps coming back to mock me. I'm sorry if this stream of thoughts was a bit jumbled as literary organization was never one of my strong points, and it still isn't. Thank you for reading through all this.


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## Innocent James (May 13, 2016)

I think it's normal for friends to fade away especially same sex friends which I learned the hard way


I was called gay in a derogatory manner by a women for having multiple same sex friends all my friends are male never had a female friend and she accused me of them being my boyfriends and kick me out of her house her boyfriend was my friend 


haven't tried making friends with the same sex since I guess society thinks it's a bad thing we gotta find girlfriends


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## b492394 (Feb 13, 2015)

i get how your feeling to a t. i used to hear things like that in my head all the time. maintaining friendships is so difficult when that thought of inadequacy exists. and the unique trait, i get that. i always searched for that trait that i could copy in others to create a more universal and appealing personality that people would have a higher chance of liking

but basically if you really wanna change, its gonna require a complete revamp of your way of thinking. you have struggled with insecurity your whole life, to the point where its stopping you from enjoying a relationship on any sort of emotional level. you censor yourself around others because that feeling of inadequacy puts a 'blanket' over your actual personality. friends are supposed to be supplements to life; not eat away at your quality of life. everyone has insecurities, but 'emotionally healthy' people's insecurities dont control them to the extent that they do to you. most of your friends probably dont have a constant internal negative voice reminding them of their own shortcomings. trust me, when that goes away, its like night and day. also your desire to want to be recognized by your friends is the biggest deterrent to getting better. i struggled with being slaves to the needs and wants and acceptance of others for my whole life and i used to be in that same "avenue of thought" that you are. what ive learned throughout YEARS of observation of 'emotionally healthy' people is that attraction is generated through confidence. most people are not attracted to insecurity, and to be honest it makes sense; people would rather be around people that are enjoyable and fun. im not saying your not enjoyable and fun, but insecurity and inadequacy dictate how you act around others. everything you do is mentally reviewed, relative to the type of people you are around. you dont say certain things out of fear of offending x/y/z. you want to be liked by everyone. these types of thoughts are not healthy, and if you wanna become able to project attraction naturally you have to completely reverse that. think of it like a see-saw: the more insecure you are, the less attractive you are to others. as the insecurity fades away, the confidence and attraction increase

on a more optimistic note, think of it this way. youve been able to have friends while struggling with insecurity your whole life. being able to do that isnt a simple feat, as most people arent attracted towards insecure people, so there's obviously something about you those people like or else they wouldnt keep you around. the key is to get to a state of mind where the idea of worrying about your friend hanging out with someone else becomes completely, and most importantly genuinely preposterous to you. when your live a life free of doubt, fear, insecurity, etc the attraction does it all by itself. you have your own unique personality that is not dictated by the thoughts of others, and that is what will do all the attracting for you and you will never have to worry about it again


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