# Some Thoughts



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'm putting this here instead of the Coping or other boards because it's still pretty related to schema therapy and my experiences as understood through schema...

Progress with schemas is obviously difficult and doesn't usually result in constant, daily improvement. I feel like today is kind of like the equivalent to "The Empire Strikes Back" in that regard.

I think I'm confident in many aspects of my life, but not in others. I think I'm intelligent, witty, open-minded, considerate, and more... but I can't help but still feel that I'm not very good in anything regarding romantic relationships or attractiveness there. The immediate, most natural reaction is to go, "Shut down. Turn off. Romantic interaction is disgusting and perverted at all levels. It's impossible, but you don't want this anyway. It's shameful and embarrassing. Stop it." Etc, etc, etc.. because it sort of leads me to feel more on the "bad" side than "good" side if I remain in the moment of frustration rather than shut down.

I don't want to take that path though (being conscious of typical schema patterns is becoming very, very awesome). I want to stay with these feelings (still feels shameful/embarrassing and generally poopy), even if they aren't pleasant. I can't address this well if I shut down and withdraw from it.

I'm not finding evidence that I could be attractive in any sort of romantic sense though. I have plenty of evidence that I can make for a great friend, and I believe that from the actual experiences I've had with people, but I can't even seem to _cognitively_ convince myself that I could effectively be involved in romantic interaction (so that I could at least have something to go back to in proving my doubts wrong), let alone get to the point where I can _feel_ it's true too.

It's also a bit disappointing to have the "Sci-Fi Harry Potter Battlestar Galactica" book as the recommended reading material from my therapist. What a joke. :lol

I never heard back from the Schema people when I emailed them awhile back, but maybe I should call them instead. I have doubts there will be anyone near me though, so I don't want to present it as the only option for me. It's just that nothing has ever captured as complete a picture of my difficulties as well as examining schemas (and their interaction) does. Everything else just seems so watered down and broad... like taking a weak headache pill for a severe concussion.

I've been taking on the social exclusion head on, but that's a bit simpler to deal with for me since I at least know that there are ways to be around people... I just have to do it and "avoid avoidance" while testing assumptions to reality.

I contacted a close female friend of mine to tell her about how I might possibly be meeting at least one person I've been interacting with on PoF (friendship purposes at best since I'm obviously not mentally ready for anything else). I notice I act in ways that sort of cancel out the possibility of anything more than friendship (even though it still feels like the odds of someone liking me in that way are astronomically small). This girl has been somewhat flirty though, so I contacted me friend to see what she thought about it. Her response:



> She could be looking for friendship... though it sounds doubtful since she seems to be rather flirtatious. And I think it's great that you're headed this direction. More and more people are meeting through the internet. It's a great idea, broadening horizons and whatnots. Just be safe and all. I'm sure I don't need to mention the usual blah blah about being yourself. Just relax and have fun. Forget about it being a potential date, and just be comfortable in your surroundings. You're a super awesome guy! Aaaaaand only a super awesome girl is worthy. So be picky, butthole. Have fun! Let me know how it goes.


I like how she presents it as being so easy. :lol


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeh the schmea stuff takes time and needs daily practice. The thing abut lifetraps is there isnt always evidence for - if you have systematically avoided romance, then its possible there IS NO EVIDENCE - this is where schema departs from CBT.

Which lifetrap are you referring to WRT feeling attractive? If its emo inhib, defectiveness or emo dep, then yes its possible you will never have had experience to draw on. So the key is starting to express and uncover emotions first. You are only just seeing that you might be able to feel attracted to a girl (before you said you didnt even have that) - so this is a sign of prgress. You are also EXPRESSING the desire to have and to be desired - THATS PROGRESS TOO!!

So, the stage you are at now is perhaps the one that you have been avoiding out of fear, and so suppressed desire completely - feeling UNDESIRABLE. You are perhapos now on the same page as a lot of other SAS;'ers, in feeling romatically shy or inadequate. This is where you must learn ITS OK to feel and want love and desire, and to being to learn how to filrt, to express interest, and to feel comfortable with the opposite sex within this new frame of reference.

This, Im sorry to say - may take you a long time depending on where it comes from. It has taken me a very long time (read years) and I am only just understanding it. Schemas are slow to change - do not feel you are slacing or that you are inadequate, its just how these things begin to alter


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

My response falls right into the typical response you'd expect from the emo inhib schema... I feel like I feel "too much" if I let loose a bit, and that it will just lead me to not feel very good. That one is going to be pesky. 

Overall, the unattractiveness falls into many schemas it seems, but emo dep/inhib and defectiveness for sure.

I'll just have to be patient. This is big stuff.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

:yes


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

OK... Just to confirm how much of a dork I am.................




“Emotional deprivation!”
“Subjugation!”
“Social isolation!”
“Emotional inhibition!”
“Defectiveness!”

“Go Schema!”

“By your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN SCHEMA!”

Captain Schema, he’s a zero.
Gonna keep me from ever being a hero.

He’s five schemas magnified
And he’s never fighting on my side

Captain Schema, he’s a zero.
Gonna keep me from ever being a hero.

Gonna keep on putting asunder
All my happiness, joy and wonder.

“You’ll pay for this, Captain Schema!!” (me, the ‘villain’) 

We’re the Schemateers!
You can be one too!
'Cause ****-ing up Adam’s life is the thing to do!

Feeling and Relating is not the way!
Hear what Captain Schema has to say!

“The Power will never be Yours!”


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

:nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw :nw 

wow


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Maybe Sock Man and Swiffer Sweeper Man will help out though.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

?????????????

Im british

I dont get it


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

If you're not familiar with Captain Planet, it will make no sense (the last post though was just my made up characters from the shame photo thread). :rofl


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

The introspective Rambo (Rambo, right?), with that blank expression, is still cracking me up.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Rambo has feelings

Deep deep feelings


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Rambo has feelings
> 
> Deep deep feelings


Let me guess the coping mechanism...

OVERCOMPENSATION to feeling vulnerable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

You dont wanna be around when someone triggers his abandonment

Holy Crap


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'll just take your word for it. :lol


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

"You didnt return my PM when you read it"

"Do you like hunting knives? I like hunting knives. Are those ropes too tight?"


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