# How do you talk to your wife / girlfriend about ...weight ?



## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

As with many here on SAS ...I may not be the best communicator.
I have yet to find a way to meander into the topic of weight gain...without causing intense hurt feelings in my fiancee.

For background, my fiancee doesn't eat much...she actually eats less than I do. But she is very inactive. Occasionally she starts an exercise program, but usually quits due to knee pain (she has bad knees).

*However, I do not want her to fall into the trap of joint pain leading to less exercise, leading to more weight gain, leading to more joint pain making it harder to exercise.*

No matter how gently I bring up the issue, she usually responds with intense feelings of shame, and becomes even less motivated to exercise.

Even when she *is* exercising, if I make any sort of comment, she then complains that she feels like I'm pressuring her, and loses the mood to exercise.

I don't know what to do again. I know issues of weight strikes women differently than it affects men.... and I usually encourage my fiancee, by letting her know that I find her sexy and attractive ...and that's not a lie... without being explicit...let's just say...the sex-life is still very active, I have not lost my attraction for her.

But...obviously I know the weight gain bothers her...she mentions it often enough (other women tell her mean stuff sometimes :frown2....and I want to motivate her...because at the end of the day...getting into shape only has benefits ...but everytime I try to suggest an exercise regime etc...she gets intense shame...
:frown2:


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

I myself struggle with my beer "pouch" to the point when co-workers began mentioning it.
Do you know what happened ?
my fiancee encouraged me to exercise. As my beer pouch goes down, she compliments me on how much more muscular I look. I still have a long way to go before I can acheive action hero physique (I may never get there, but its good to have goals)

Yet...when I try exactly what I mentioned above, towards her...it backfires horribly.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

She seems really sensitive, being direct is the way to go. Let her know why and let her know you're there for support. Workout together, nothing to be ashamed of just slowly improve.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Kevin001 said:


> She seems really sensitive, being direct is the way to go. Let her know why and let her know you're there for support. Workout together, nothing to be ashamed of just slowly improve.


***DISCLAIMER***
At the risk of sounding sexist....sometimes I feel like it's easier to drive a camel through the eye of a needle than to have a productive conversation with your female intimate partner about her weight.

Again. Not meant to be taken sexist. If any women seeing this are struggling with weight too...then I am sorry...the purpose of this post is to seek help on tackling this issue.

My fiancee was not skinny when I met her. I have seen her gain weight, and I have seen her lose weight ...once....so I know she can do it...if she is motivated...I just can't find a way to motivate her.

The one time she managed to shake the weight...was a time we were taking different classes at university...we were separated for months...so she spent all her free time exercising, until we graduated.

That was years ago...obviously we are both working adults now, and neither of us have the same amount of free time we did in college. I don't expect her to get back *that* small.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't think it will really be possible to motivate her, if you've already tried. It might be better if she gets inspiration from other women she identifies with (not random models/attractive women or women who remind her of the ones who you said make mean comments.)


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

So I guess you've got to pay women she identifies with to exercise & eat healthy portions 🤔


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Can't count how often in your threads you say some variant of, "Not to be sexist, BUT..." :roll If that word "But" works its way in there...maybe stop yourself and move on. It's the same as when somebody says, "No offense, BUT..." You just _know_ the next thing is going to be offensive, and the person saying it knows it, too.

Anyway. In my experience, suggesting that somebody exercise, especially somebody already sensitive about their weight, no matter how kind you _think_ you're being (also in my experience, most people who THINK they're being helpful and tactful are being anything but), likely won't work. I am obese, and I too am mostly sedentary. You know what I wish someone would do to motivate me to exercise? *Offer to exercise with me.* So I'm not out there doing it all on my own, and feeling lonely and stupid and like what's the point, nobody cares about this but me--if I'm the only one accountable, well, there goes my motivation and purpose. What's the point of improving myself if nobody cares but me? (Some may consider this unhealthy, but it's how some of us feel, especially if we suffer from low self-confidence. We're obviously not all content to just do stuff for ourselves. We're motivated by people showing enthusiasm for us.)

And don't be blatant about it like, "Hey honey, let's go exercise! So your knees don't give out someday!" Do it casually, like, "Hey honey, let's go for a walk! By that park you love so much! Bring the camera and we can get some pictures, or we can get a coffee on the way back," or yadda yadda, whatever she's into. Maybe you can make it into a little contest--"Bet you I make it to that tree or up this flight of stairs before you do!" if she's into competition or whatever. (I'm not, but some people are.) Bring an MP3 player, dance around to some music, "Let's try to walk until this chapter/podcast ends." Maybe use some phone app, like...that Pokemon thing or whatever, or try geocaching, something to get out and about. (If the pandemic has you stuck at home maybe you can do a scavenger hunt inside. Hide love notes around the place and give each other a time limit to find them so you have to rush around. Pretend the floor is lava. Dunno. Be creative. Look up stupid games kids play. Offer rewards.)

Jeez I would love it if I had somebody to not just sit there and advise (nag) me to go exercise, on my own, for my own benefit, but to *encourage* me by coming along and making it a shared activity with some personal accountability too. It makes it so it's not all on me. It makes it feel like this person cares enough to put themselves out there with me. A partner activity. Alas, I have no partner and no motivation, no one to genuinely care about my wellbeing.

(If you feel too tired after work to accompany her, _welllllll_... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

If you've already tried that, well...she has her own reasons, rational or not, to not wish to do it. Maybe, like me, her life has been full of people who decided not to encourage and build her up, but to belittle and tear her down, and your (well-intentioned?) advice for her to work out is just a reminder of the people who pretended they cared about her wellbeing as an excuse to criticize her weight. (Often after somebody outright mocked me like this, they then insisted, "Hey, I'm just thinking about your _health_! It's not my fault you're so sensitive!" While they were jeering at my physical health, none of those people cared about my _mental/emotional_ health...)

Maybe she's not as sensitive as you think. Maybe you're not as tactful about this as you think.

...But that's just my repeated experience, perhaps I assume too much. :stu Maybe her circumstances are completely different. You asked for advice, take it with a grain of salt, who am I but a fat woman who knows what would motivate herself the most to exercise.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

How many different ways does she need to tell you "Don't bring this up again" before you stop doing it? She obviously doesn't like it and doesn't want to hear what you have to say so that is pretty much where it should end.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Could probably get more creative about it I heard some theme parks are a good way to burn calories because it takes a lot of walking plus some of the rides. Water parks probably too because of all the stairs you have to climb up. Could visit somewhere with lots of stairs. Also trampolines. 

I think if she's not very motivated then expecting her to do more than maintain healthy weight is probably a bit much, getting really built isn't for everyone. Should be able to do that by finding intuitive ways to fit in walking etc. Of course some people are luckier than others and have a high metabolism or something. No matter what I do I'm often still underweight (I don't check regularly but did and I'm 95 pounds again. It's often around that. I'm 5'2" too but it's still on the low side.) It probably got worse when I was swimming regularly then people were commenting on my skinnyness more. Of course I'm still really unhealthy atm so it doesn't mean much. Probably poster child for weight meaning little lol.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

WillYouStopDave said:


> *How many different ways does she need to tell you "Don't bring this up again" *before you stop doing it? She obviously doesn't like it and doesn't want to hear what you have to say so that is pretty much where it should end.


Well, if she doesn't want to hear it then why does she complain to me that "so and so made a comment about my weight" ...how am I supposed to respond to that ? Am I supposed to lie and say it's not true ?

I just...don't know what I am supposed to say about the issue anymore.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

tehuti88 said:


> Can't count how often in your threads you say some variant of, "Not to be sexist, BUT..." :roll If that word "But" works its way in there...maybe stop yourself and move on. It's the same as when somebody says, "No offense, BUT..." You just _know_ the next thing is going to be offensive, and the person saying it knows it, too.
> 
> Anyway. In my experience, suggesting that somebody exercise, especially somebody already sensitive about their weight, no matter how kind you _think_ you're being (also in my experience, most people who THINK they're being helpful and tactful are being anything but), likely won't work. I am obese, and I too am mostly sedentary. You know what I wish someone would do to motivate me to exercise? *Offer to exercise with me.* So I'm not out there doing it all on my own, and feeling lonely and stupid and like what's the point, nobody cares about this but me--if I'm the only one accountable, well, there goes my motivation and purpose. What's the point of improving myself if nobody cares but me? (Some may consider this unhealthy, but it's how some of us feel, especially if we suffer from low self-confidence. We're obviously not all content to just do stuff for ourselves. We're motivated by people showing enthusiasm for us.)
> 
> ...


Hmm...I see what you did there...it's kinda hard for me to do stuff without revealing my true intent though...my fiancee reads my body language..*very* well (its almost impossible for me to plan a surprise)...so if I try the "let's go for a walk" route...she will most likely figure out what I am up to.

I remember once she asked me to do some dance video with her...I wasn't very interested in it (I felt silly doing it)...I tried to pretend but like I said...she is very good at reading my body language...so she got turned of the whole idea...and hasn't done much since.

And as for your jibe about people being tactful, but actually being mean instead...well I don't know how to do that ! When I try too hard to be tactful, I end up holding in my feelings and not saying anything. And then when I do say something...it comes out ...insensitive ?
So what am I to do, lie about my feelings to avoid causing hurt...or be honest and risk being interpreted as insensitive.

Also..our work schedules are very busy...so...it's not always practical for us to exercise together...often times our schedules crash...which is why I wish she had the motivation to do it on her own.

It's gonna be kinda sucky, after my 24hr shift, after taking an hr drive to where my fiancee works...to still then muster up the energy to go walking with her.

But...if that's what it takes...I guess somehow I will have to find the energy to do it...because talking obviously isn't helping.

thanks for the advice


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## Micronian (Nov 11, 2004)

VIncymon said:


> Well, if she doesn't want to hear it then why does she complain to me that "so and so made a comment about my weight" ...how am I supposed to respond to that ? Am I supposed to lie and say it's not true ?
> 
> I just...don't know what I am supposed to say about the issue anymore.


My girlfriend occasionally also talks about her weight, and she also asks if I think she's attractive--which immediately puts me on the spot! Because I, myself, like to exercise I give her the reasons why I exercise:
1) I don't want to spend more $ on clothes
2) When I get older I don't want to be feeble to the point where I can't walk across the room or lift a table, etc.
3) The older I get, the slower the metabolism I'll have, therefore the best time to exercise is now.
4) I love meeting goals, and I love the concentration needed in good exercise, and I love the challenge of me vs. me.

I tell her these reasons, and she gets encouraged--but she gets encouraged to exercise mostly because she wants to support me. I figure a good way to get your wife to exercise is for you to commit to exercise first. When she sees the work you do, she'll get encouraged to see how *easy* it looks. Then you can also start modifying your diet. Ask her to make meals for you without sugar, more salads, make her see how easy it is to make a protein shake, learn about nutrition, and so on. A change in food choices will also help lose weight, and the assistance she gives to your weight loss will rub off on her to also want to lose weight.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Micronian said:


> My girlfriend occasionally also talks about her weight, and she also asks if I think she's attractive--which immediately puts me on the spot! Because I, myself, like to exercise I give her the reasons why I exercise:
> 1) I don't want to spend more $ on clothes
> 2) When I get older I don't want to be feeble to the point where I can't walk across the room or lift a table, etc.
> 3) The older I get, the slower the metabolism I'll have, therefore the best time to exercise is now.
> ...


I already exercise almost everyday. What you're suggesting means I basically have to turn myself into a fitness guru...just to motivate her to start exercising. That's rough buddy.


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## sabbath9 (Dec 30, 2014)

I read somewhere that the singer Adele has lost a hundred pounds of body weight just by getting healthy meals delivered. 



I can't cook much, just macaroni and tuna. So a lot of the times I just eat whatever snacks are available. If I could afford decent meals I'd probably lose weight too.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

VIncymon said:


> I already exercise almost everyday. What you're suggesting means I basically have to turn myself into a fitness guru...just to motivate her to start exercising. *That's rough buddy.*


Damn. Turns out hard work is...hard work. :roll

It's sounding like you're the one who isn't motivated enough here.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

I might have missed a few posts and some information but I think I'd stop mentioning it to her at all. Let her bring it up and then very carefully respond.  (always in flattering terms)

She obviously gets upset so maybe just start running together or something similar.


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

VIncymon said:


> As with many here on SAS ...I may not be the best communicator.
> I have yet to find a way to meander into the topic of weight gain...without causing intense hurt feelings in my fiancee.
> 
> For background, my fiancee doesn't eat much...she actually eats less than I do. But she is very inactive. Occasionally she starts an exercise program, but usually quits due to knee pain (she has bad knees).
> ...


How to lose weight:
1. Stop running
2. Stop using the bicycle
3. Start walking in slopes
4. Start eating healthy

If you want stronger body then you might have to do 1 or 2, however if you just want to lose weight solely, 1 and 2 are absolutely not necessary at all. Walking instead of bicycling and running is also much safer and better for the knees.

In fact only number 4 is necessary to get a perfectly fine looking body. You/She needs a diet regimen, not a training one. If she eats very little, she eats very little but also very unhealthy. If you eat two chocolate plates a day, very little I know but also not very filling, definitely nothing that can sustain your hunger for a day, but you have in fact as a normal person almost eaten all of your entire daily calorie intake.

What you can do is take the lead in the kitchen, and start cooking some healthy food  The weight will then sort itself out eventually.


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

sabbath9 said:


> I read somewhere that the singer Adele has lost a hundred pounds of body weight just by getting healthy meals delivered.
> 
> I can't cook much, just macaroni and tuna. So a lot of the times I just eat whatever snacks are available. If I could afford decent meals I'd probably lose weight too.


Macaroni is calorie bomb. Having gone up and down in weight over the last 2 years (on purpose) the easiest way to go down in weight is to drop these things in that order:

1. Sauce,Oil,Soda,Butter any kind of liquid that adds a lot of calories without actually being very filling
2. Pasta, Potatoes, and Rice
3. Diary products (Cheese, milk)

If you stick to mostly meat, and vegetables you are going to plummet in weight. Dependent on your weight you might not have to drop all of them, or maybe even at all, but instead just decrease the portions, so for example instead of eating 3 potatoes, eat 1 potato, but increase the amount of vegetables to still feel as full etc.

For example, if you want to snack, you could snack cucumbers. Why is that? One whole cucumber only contains 40 calories! This means that you could eat 15 cucumbers and it will still contain less calories than a normal meal with meat, pasta, vegetables and sauce. If you add in the oil etc to make the food, you might be able to bump that number even higher, like up to 20. Realistically you can't eat 20 cucumbers because 20 cucumbers is going to take up too much space physically in your stomach.


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

@cafune never brings it up to me


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## cafune (Jan 11, 2011)

@Sekiro that's because i accept you as you are, darling


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

cafune said:


> @*Sekiro* that's because i accept you as you are, darling


but why cant i have three strips of bacon with breakfast


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## cafune (Jan 11, 2011)

Sekiro said:


> but why cant i have three strips of bacon with breakfast


what are you on about; ofc you can. here i'll cook it for you myself.


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

cafune said:


> what are you on about; ofc you can. here i'll cook it for you myself.


awwww yesssss :D


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

VIncymon said:


> ***DISCLAIMER***
> At the risk of sounding sexist....sometimes I feel like it's easier to drive a camel through the eye of a needle than to have a productive conversation with your female intimate partner about her weight.
> 
> Again. Not meant to be taken sexist. If any women seeing this are struggling with weight too...then I am sorry...the purpose of this post is to seek help on tackling this issue.
> ...


Tough. Maybe lead by example? She sees you eating right and exercising and wants to join? Idk bro. Her motivation has to come from within.


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## cafune (Jan 11, 2011)

okay, so i just perused this thread and no.

nononononono.

nonononononononononono.

there is no way _you_ can discuss this. imo your role as a partner is not to tell her that she needs to alter some fundamental aspect of herself. just, no.

you could let it slip to your gp/doctor that you want _them_ to bring up how where she carries her mass is problematic _if they agree_. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HEARS ENOUGH OF THIS ANYWAY. why kick a dead horse. if she at any point starts to make an effort, offer support and no criticism of any kind. say nothing if you can't do this.

also, physical activities do not need to be exercise. exercise is so loaded, but enjoying a couples dance class isn't, y'know? do something _fun, together_.



VIncymon said:


> Well, if she doesn't want to hear it then why does she complain to me that "so and so made a comment about my weight" ...how am I supposed to respond to that ? Am I supposed to lie and say it's not true ?
> 
> I just...don't know what I am supposed to say about the issue anymore.


what you are supposed to say is 'how dare soandso say xandy. they don't know what they're on about. i think you're perfect.' that's what you're supposed to say. take note.


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

Hispanics would just say "you're starting to look fat, you need to exercise and/or change your diet" 

And they'll also use fat as a term of endearment 

"Gordita"

Different cultures take offense to different things

But personally if I was concerned about my partners health and physical condition I would address it. It's better to start early, especially if it's someone you're going to be with for the long run. Caregiving isn't easy in the future.


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## Raies (Nov 3, 2016)

tehuti88 said:


> Damn. Turns out hard work is...hard work. :roll
> 
> It's sounding like you're the one who isn't motivated enough here.


What?

He said he's already training every day basically.

If that amount of training isn't enough to motivate someone else, then it is not the form of motivation to be useful.
Frankly, relationships are a two sided deal - one should want to be healthy for their partner, but the other should be understanding about it. It isn't "I'll be what the **** I want and if you don't like it, its your problem".

Physical attraction is a big part of relationships and if one doesn't like it, well, sucks for that person. (Complain to whatever authority is responsible for making people evolve into preferring such things, I guess.....)

You could give him a break for trying to do something to fix an issue he has, rather than constantly criticize him for having wants/needs as a person, that are quite natural.

Nobody's elses problems with weight are his fault unless he's physically stopping them from exercising/eating healthy, and here he displays willingness to help his girlfriend to exercise.


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## GermanHermit (Sep 6, 2008)

I can't help but feel like you are talking about a stubborn, unreasonable person in need of care, who simply refuses to adopt your lifestyle! 

She's an independent grown-up woman with her own will! 

Is it really only the health issue you are worried about? 

From your description of her, that currently doesn't really seem to be that much of a problem! 
You got some terrific advice for that from the previous posters. 

Apart from that I really love that blunt refreshing direct Hispanic's way! 🙂
Teasing is a sign of affection. 
A good healthy relationship will handle that! 
No room for misinterpretation! 

Something else. 
I also noticed among other females that it nowadays seems very OK amused running down or teasing their partners or even male coworkers as if they were little boys or idiots! 
Only to highlight how much better they are or can do things! 
Or teasing about beer pouches and bald heads. 
And those poor men present simply play along. 
Feminism as it really is! 🙁
That's not OK!!!


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## GermanHermit (Sep 6, 2008)

@Raies:
I think tehuti88 meant it in an ironic way regarding working on the relationship!


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

Raies said:


> If that amount of training isn't enough to motivate someone else, then it is not the form of motivation to be useful.
> Frankly, relationships are a two sided deal - one should want to be healthy for their partner, but the other should be understanding about it. It isn't "I'll be what the **** I want and if you don't like it, its your problem".
> 
> Physical attraction is a big part of relationships and if one doesn't like it, well, sucks for that person. (Complain to whatever authority is responsible for making people evolve into preferring such things, I guess.....)
> ...


That's...actually pretty much what I was saying. :serious: Plus pointing out that his complaint about how "rough, buddy" it is to negotiate a relationship is kind of silly, since relationships tend not to be easy. His response to Micronian makes it seem he's seeking an easy solution to this, when there isn't one.



> You could give him a break for trying to do something to fix an issue he has, rather than constantly criticize him for having wants/needs as a person, that are quite natural.


OP also has a LONG history of basically complaining about every aspect of his relationship--he never seems happy about any part of it--so my snittiness was about more than just this thread. He has some pretty good things going for him, especially considering what his girlfriend puts up with regarding his family, but he only seems to see the negative. I imagine this could show up in his daily interactions with her sometimes (not necessarily intentionally, but it happens) and maybe that fuels some of her reluctance to improve, herself.

And none of the people who've criticized my weight or my feeble yet sincere attempts to better myself have ever given _me_ a break when I struggle or fail (in fact, whenever I mention wanting to do something to improve, I get laughed at--nobody bothers trying to "motivate" me to do anything), so... :stu Previously I had two posts in this thread, the first one with actual advice which OP asked for, so I'm not sure where the "constantly criticizing" is coming from.

Maybe, if anything, my post can help show how his GF might be feeling right now.



GermanHermit said:


> @Raies:
> I think tehuti88 meant it in an ironic way regarding working on the relationship!


Yep, exactly. Thank you.


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## Raies (Nov 3, 2016)

tehuti88 said:


> That's...actually pretty much what I was saying. :serious: Plus pointing out that his complaint about how "rough, buddy" it is to negotiate a relationship is kind of silly, since relationships tend not to be easy. His response to Micronian makes it seem he's seeking an easy solution to this, when there isn't one.


Ah, my apologies then, for not understanding the tone.


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## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

I'd try to live by example, but since people are human, at least once in a blue moon, I'm sure that if a person is overweight, they'll feel bad about it and express frustration over it. That's when you can step in and give them support and offer to help them. Or just offer to change up your health habits and ask if they'd like to come along. If you invite someone, it takes the focus more on your invitation than on anything else. But then again, there's a massive difference between body image vs body weight. I would just be supportive of health in general. No sense in fueling the fire if on the inside, they might already be self conscious of it.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

Like many have pointed out above, you can't make her do something she doesn't want or doesn't feel ready to do. You're worried about her health, it's hard, but you need to take a step back.

You can exercise and leave it open for her to join you if she so wishes, but that's all you can do (swimming? That's easy on the joints. And the prospect of a hot tub soak afterwards can make a swim class more appealing). Even if her joints break and she has a heart attack, it's all you can do. She's a grown woman and her own person.

Talking about weight is hard for women, because we get targeted by all the toxic advertising/*****ing/women's mags/etc. Your part is to be there for her, support her, and tell her what you think truthfully _if asked_. I know it's bloody hard (my partner also has some pretty unhealthy behaviours I can't help him out of).


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Lots of good advice here.
I saw the lil back and forth between @Raies and @tehuti88 ...and to make my point absulutely clear, all I meant to say was... I already exercise 3-4 times a week...if I still have squeeze in exercising with her when I *drive over to her place*...that's a lot of exercise.

Although yes, I get it. It's a problem...we're in this together...I gotta find the energy to push through.
@rabidfoxes I know it's a harder topic for women. I, can only imagine she gets double the amount of comments about her weight, than what I get about mine.

But I do love her. I'm not bitter about my fiancee....I want it to work. That's why I seek advice...when I'm stuck on an issue. I know some schools of thought are that all relationship problems can be solved between the couple, but I believe in the power of research, and reading.

And @tehuti88, whilst I admittedly don't know the details of your weight struggles, I probably haven't seen all your threads. If you're still willing to give it a go...then I salute you. But if you are single, and live alone...then the motivation has to come from within. 
I don't know who here laughs at your efforts at self improvement. But I am not laughing at you.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

@cafune ....aye aye captain points taken

(puts on glasses)
How dare xyz say pqyr about you...

Ok got it. Misdirect and turn the other person's insult into a playful banter.


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## cafune (Jan 11, 2011)

VIncymon said:


> @cafune ....aye aye captain points taken
> 
> (puts on glasses)
> How dare xyz say pqyr about you...
> ...


okay, wait. i need to nip this in the bud. i'm sorry/the tone of my post may have misled you, but i meant that part in all seriousness. if that level of outrage isn't part of your usual pattern of speech, you could say: 'i'm sorry that happened to you. i'm guessing you must have felt hurt by sarah's comment. she was out of line to say something so rude and obnoxious.' <allow your fiancée to respond if she wants> 'i hope you know you are beautiful the way you are. you know that i think so.' <she may say more things> etc. etc. basically, you agree with your fiancée, validate her feelings, make her feel _heard_. and you don't side with the stranger over her; you don't say 'wellll, sarah's right' or 'sarah only has your best interests at heart' or whatever else. any jokes come after.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

cafune said:


> okay, wait. i need to nip this in the bud. i'm sorry/the tone of my post may have misled you, but i meant that part in all seriousness. if that level of outrage isn't part of your usual pattern of speech, you could say: 'i'm sorry that happened to you. i'm guessing you must have felt hurt by sarah's comment. she was out of line to say something so rude and obnoxious.' <allow your fiancée to respond if she wants> 'i hope you know you are beautiful the way you are. you know that i think so.' <she may say more things> etc. etc. basically, you agree with your fiancée, validate her feelings, make her feel _heard_. and you don't side with the stranger over her; you don't say 'wellll, sarah's right' or 'sarah only has your best interests at heart' or whatever else. any jokes come after.


Huh ? well that's a lot more complex than what I initially thought you meant.:get
Thanks anyway.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Do you work out? If you were to get really into it, she might find your drive inspiring.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

how come my various posts got deleted meanwhile a bunch of posts here are horrible but apparently totally acceptable :haha. when is this thread gonna get closed?

anyway I'm pretty sure they're aware of their own body. maybe painfully aware.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

You don't if you want her to keep being your wife/girlfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

VIncymon said:


> But I do love her. I'm not bitter about my fiancee....I want it to work. That's why I seek advice...when I'm stuck on an issue. I know some schools of thought are that all relationship problems can be solved between the couple, but I believe in the power of research, and reading.


I think you're totally right on research and reading. And I wish your relationship all the best. It's hard when you see your partner struggle with something and can't help. My partner had a hard time with basic things like brushing teeth/showering/etc. I tried 'let's do this together', reasoning, begging, nagging, ridiculing (yep, not proud). In the end, the only thing that worked was encouraging him to seek therapy for his depression.


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## Zatch (Apr 28, 2013)

andy1984 said:


> Deleted post.


Ikr. Life's a beach. :con

A solid consistent meal plan would work best, as suggested earlier (Ominous Indeed gave a small wealth of info that even I plan to implement honestly). Alas, being even slightly overweight tends to **** with people's mentality, and that effect can snowball coupled with things like depression or obstacles that might not be readily apparent. This can happen over YEARS and dismay people from trying or gaining proper momentum.

You can always change your diet for the better. Both of you can. There will be pushback from your usual appetites but I think it's less radical than adopting a full blown workout regimen for most people, especially those that are working a job to boot. Give it time and commit to it yourself, offer her to join you in the endeavor along the way.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

RelinquishedHell said:


> Do you work out? If you were to get really into it, she might find your drive inspiring.


Thanks to my 2weeks of quarantine...I got a solid 2weeks of uninterrupted work-out...and she has complimented me on it....I'm hoping that eventually complimenting me on it...will translate into motivating her.

PS for those who haven't read earlier posts...my gf was very active at a point...karate classes and all. (Of course that was b4 work life LOL)...so...yea...

I have also struggled with exercise/life balance myself, and even I admit....it was the time I spent in CoVID related lockdown isolation that really inspired me to exercise ...heck I even started yoga.


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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

Offer to be her workout partner. Think of things you can do together, etc. Be encouraging and not critical.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

VIncymon said:


> Thanks to my 2weeks of quarantine...I got a solid 2weeks of uninterrupted work-out...and she has complimented me on it....I'm hoping that eventually complimenting me on it...will translate into motivating her.
> 
> PS for those who haven't read earlier posts...my gf was very active at a point...karate classes and all. (Of course that was b4 work life LOL)...so...yea...
> 
> I have also struggled with exercise/life balance myself, and even I admit....it was the time I spent in CoVID related lockdown isolation that really inspired me to exercise ...heck I even started yoga.


 You do realize that (to a great extent) exercise is pretty much all about aesthetics? While most people certainly will look (subjectively) "better" if the exercise regularly, they may not benefit too much healthwise from extra exercise (beyond the daily activities associated with working and living). Going out of your way to exercise is ALWAYS going to be extra work. It's usually going to be the last thing you really want to be doing once the newness of it wears off and it becomes just another monotonous chore.

This is why people tend to go back and forth on weight gain and weight loss. They do the exercise/fitness routine for awhile and it gets old and they quit. They gain weight or whatever and want to look like they did before and so they start back up again. Over and over.

At the end of the day, people who exercise vigorously don't usually live much longer than people who don't (assuming that the people who don't are still reasonably active). You have a better chance of maintaining a scheduled daily walk or something than a beat the hell out of yourself cardio workout however many days a week that would be. Light exercise is better than no exercise and maintaining a scheduled activity long-term is way better than seesawing. IMO.

Of course walks in nature are more likely to be something you'd look forward to than getting on a machine and walking in place. But still. Walking is natural and easy. If you're trying to motivate someone who does not enjoy strenuous activity, you want to give them options that don't suck the life out of them and make them hate it.


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