# Why is it some girls are never asked out?



## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

In high school I thought it was a matter of my own standards. There was never a good fit. In college, however, I have a lot of male friends, but still never been asked out. I am not worrying about it since I am still young. I am not in a rush to be in a relationship. But there is still the wonder if I am doing something wrong. 

Girls who are not asked out--are we doing something wrong?


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## Rex92 (Oct 6, 2011)

Hate to sound cruel, but maybe it's a looks thing? Are you pretty like?


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## Rex92 (Oct 6, 2011)

If it's not a looks issue, maybe they feel a bit intimidated they you have so many male friends and/or just assume you're out of their league? 

Why does it always have to be the guy that makes the first move anyway? If one of the guys you fancy is a friend, surely you should feel a certain degree of comfort about asking? It's 2011. Don't mean that in a rude way.


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## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

No, it's not a looks thing. I prim well and have a nice body, and I am approached by guys because they tend to think I am cute. They will be flirty with me, but if anything comes out of that, it has at most been a friendship. 

A girl making the first move is not something I have a problem with, but fear of rejection, making a friendship awkward, and simply being the inexperienced one makes it harder. So while I do like a friend right now, it is not worth taking the risk. Frankly though, I don't even know how a guy does it. What does making a move even mean? It was a big enough step for me to befriend the boy, you know?


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

If it's not a looks thing, it's either standards or intimidation.


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## Harpuia (Apr 10, 2010)

I keep thinking that there is some random process when it comes to socialization. So I know how ya feel. Lol.


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## Rex92 (Oct 6, 2011)

Miss Bee said:


> No, it's not a looks thing. I prim well and have a nice body, and I am approached by guys because they tend to think I am cute. They will be flirty with me, but if anything comes out of that, it has at most been a friendship.
> 
> A girl making the first move is not something I have a problem with, but fear of rejection, making a friendship awkward, and simply being the inexperienced one makes it harder. So while I do like a friend right now, it is not worth taking the risk. Frankly though, I don't even know how a guy does it. *What does making a move even mean?* It was a big enough step for me to befriend the boy, you know?


"Hey, do you want to go out for [insert whatever here] sometime, just me and you?"


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## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

Meeting up with guys one on one has always been with ones I liked, but I've always used that to become better friends with them. But maybe it has just been an issue of not being what they've wanted. But I could never be so forward to outright state my intentions. I was more forward with the last boy I liked--I'm sure he knew it and he certainly enjoyed it, but he got in a relationship with another girl. He was a charmer though, so it was easy to be flirty with him. The current boy I like is so theoretically incompatible it is just intimidating and I tend to see him a lot, but generally in groups when out so we only tend to be alone between classes.


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## gomenne (Oct 3, 2009)

Rex92 said:


> Hate to sound cruel, but maybe it's a looks thing? Are you pretty like?


Yes it is exactly this, looks. It's all about looks, a guy would never ever look twice at an ugly girl. And I say that from my own experience.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

I think looks play a big part in it. But as Miss Bee says that doesn't sound like an issue for her. 

I think the issue is just age. At your age the type of boys you like are probably going to be into more outgoing/social girls. In a few years that will die down. 

Come back when you are 24, if you have the same problem we will figure out why.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Miss Bee said:


> No, it's not a looks thing. I prim well and have a nice body, and I am approached by guys because they tend to think I am cute. They will be flirty with me, but if anything comes out of that, it has at most been a friendship.
> 
> A girl making the first move is not something I have a problem with, but fear of rejection, making a friendship awkward, and simply being the inexperienced one makes it harder. So while I do like a friend right now, it is not worth taking the risk. Frankly though, I don't even know how a guy does it. What does making a move even mean? It was a big enough step for me to befriend the boy, you know?


If the guy never tries anything on you, it's either because he finds you unattractive or because he's painfully shy.

Get him drunk.


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## lad (Sep 26, 2011)

From a blokes point of view, either they think you're too pretty for them, you act as if you're not interested or they just like you as a friend. I'm sure if you make it more obvious when you like someone they will respond.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Miss Bee said:


> In high school I thought it was a matter of my own standards. There was never a good fit. In college, however, I have a lot of male friends, but still never been asked out. I am not worrying about it since I am still young. I am not in a rush to be in a relationship. But there is still the wonder if I am doing something wrong.
> 
> Girls who are not asked out--are we doing something wrong?


***Edited by post author due to stupid remark***

You're still young. It may be that you're simply very shy. I know at least a couple girls in college who I thought were absolutely gorgeous, but they had no (or limited) experience with relationships simply because of their shyness or SA (and unfortunately, it's hard for a fellow SAer to break through that  ).

Since you said you had lots of male friends, it might be that a guy who's interested in you never has enough time alone with you to ask you out. It's a possibility. If there's a guy you like, maybe invite him over to watch a movie (just the two of you). It's very suspicious to me that you have lots of guy "friends". I'm guessing at least a couple want to be more than that.

But yeah, 18 is still young.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

lad said:


> From a blokes point of view, either they think you're too pretty for them(...)


I don't buy it.

Many, many guys will think too highly of themselves and approach women too young/attractive for them, even thought they have a beer belly, or are starting to grow grey hair.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

Miss Bee said:


> In high school I thought it was a matter of my own standards.


Maybe you haven't disposed of those standards?

I'm curious as to what these standards are. Or were.


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## confinedbyanxiety (Oct 28, 2011)

well MISSBEE, as an older (29) and married mother I think I can shed some helpful advice  First of all this is such an exciting time in your life!!!! I will start by saying that I hope this doesnt come off like I think I am the best, because I have lots of my own issues that I struggle with that I think are major  I am fairly physically attractive BUT I think either due to a guy not being attracted to a girl, OR major intimidation factor, there are a few things you can do to sort this out  At your age, here are some tips (more for guys you know, but also for new guys you are meeting)

1) JOKE THE SQUARE! - someone told me about this and I think it is GENIUS! lol Do you really like this guy?? When you are out together, or in a group, joke around with him about you two dating, or say something like "Everyone has been telling me that you are madly in love with me soooo... this is awkward"... lol IN A JOVIAL WAY!! You will both laugh.. and you will easily to able to determine how he think about you from his reaction  (IMO)

2) SMILE and BE HONEST - I have a friend who ALWAYS played it cool and she was attractive but never got asked out. The whole "school is crazy right now, super stressed out, busy", etc,etc says I have no time dont bother... or if we were out dancing, she would care so much about looking good that she didnt just be OPEN and friendly... go get a drink beside where the guy is and say HEY! 

Also, put out there what you are looking for... guys never seem to be romantically into you... have you given any indication that YOU are into them?? You can do this without making your friendship awkward... ask your guy friend to get coffee and walk your dog with you if you have one  lol IMO most guys arent going to want to "waste" an afternoon with a girl and her dog if he is not remotely interested. OR, if he is the kind of guy thats just a really great friend, what does he talk about?? other girls?? you have to listen to the cues  good luck!


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## JGreenwood (Jan 28, 2011)

Miss Bee said:


> No, it's not a looks thing. I prim well and have a nice body, and I am approached by guys because they tend to think I am cute. They will be flirty with me, but if anything comes out of that, it has at most been a friendship.
> 
> A girl making the first move is not something I have a problem with, but fear of rejection, making a friendship awkward, and simply being the inexperienced one makes it harder. So while I do like a friend right now, it is not worth taking the risk. Frankly though, I don't even know how a guy does it. What does making a move even mean? It was a big enough step for me to befriend the boy, you know?


Would you like to go on a date with me??

There. Now you've been asked out by a guy!


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## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

The reason I have male friends is because I don't approach others, but boys approached me. That, and I am in a male dominated major in college and also play an instrument in male dominated section. But thank goodness for the friendly ones who made me comfortable and also had friends that are sweet people that I've been introduced to.

I did use to have the standards of wanting a musician, particularly of the violin family. Over six feet tall, blue eyes, and light hair preferred and rivaling my intellect. I have found two boys that fit this, both of which were attracted to me at some point most seemingly, but never liked me. Or if he did, he liked another more. I also wanted a good, nice boy. However, of these standards, the only one remaining is the musician one. But I am not worried right now. It is really just things I was wondering for future reference. And after all, this is my first year where I've attempted to open up. I was even called outspoken today, so it is getting much better! Thank you all!


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## Just Tony (Oct 4, 2010)

Either I have no confidence, or you are a goddess.

Pretty much what some other poster said miss. Probably because of standards or intimidation.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Wow. Implying that the OP is ugly? Really? Way to be rude you guys. This is supposed to be a support forum, in case some of you were confused. It boggles my mind that people would actually tell someone something like that on a forum like this where many people already struggle with body image issues. I'm sure there are a lot of people here struggling with relationships that will read replies like the ones in this thread and start to think they are ugly.

It's not all about looks. Beauty is subjective. There is no single person who is considered universally attractive or unattractive. 

Some people here seem to be under the misguided impression that all a woman needs to do is passively sit back, say/do nothing, and relationships will just fall into her lap.

In reality, flirting is a two way street. If you're not showing signs that you are open to it, then a guy will not attempt to flirt with you or ask you out. I would say that's the most likely reason. Maybe the men who have approached you were interested, but didn't think that you would reciprocate. It also could be a matter of simply having not met the right guy yet. There may be a friendship connection with them, but not a romantic spark. Give it time. I didn't start dating until I was in my early 20s. It happens differently for everyone. There's no set timeline when it comes to meeting someone whom you are compatible with.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I don't think you should have to think you are doing anything wrong. It simply could be the case that you haven't found the right fit as you mentioned. Don't lower your expectations or standards because you are beginning to wonder that you won't find this kind of guy that suits you anytime in the next however many years. 

If you have an interest in any of your male friends, guage the situation. Is there anything more that you could be doing yourself to show that you are interested in them (if so)?? 

I don't understand the age old tradition that a gal should always be the one to get asked out, (not that that's the way I typically do things anyway), but instead of waiting for the guy to ask you out if you like him, take the lead and show your interest!


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

The reason why I haven't asked girls out is because I think they are already going out with someone! :mum


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

millenniumman75 said:


> The reason why I haven't asked girls out is because I think they are already going out with someone! :mum


Same here, mm75.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Maybe guys have approached you with the intent of asking you out, but thought twice of it after getting bad vibes from you (ie, you seeming closed-off or uninterested - pretty common for us SAers).


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

It's not just girls. Guys have the same problem. 

What do you do to attract positive attention? 

If you are quiet and don't talk to people, relying on your looks to get a date, then I am afraid you will be waiting for a long time. If you don't let people get to know you and make them want to know you better than you might as well be part of the furniture. If you stay on the sidelines and wait for someone to come to you then you're just a pretty picture on the wall. You'll be given a glance now and then but people won't stop and take a closer look. 

You have to put yourself out there. You have to go where people are. Join in with some groups. Talk to people and let them get to know you. 

Sounds like pretty good motivation to overcome some of your SA.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I agree with Amo.

And another thing is, if you're very attractive, many guys won't ask you out because your looks intimidate them.


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## Ashley1990 (Aug 27, 2011)

I was really shy at school n spoke less...that may be the reason


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

gomenne said:


> Yes it is exactly this, looks. It's all about looks, *a guy would never ever look twice at an ugly girl. *And I say that from my own experience.


I don't know about that. Seems a bit too extreme. But attractive girls get hit on daily. I know this one girl who complains (I think she secretly enjoys subtly bragging) about how she can't even grab a cup of coffee without being hit on. She is very pretty so I could see why guys approach her.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

gomenne said:


> Yes it is exactly this, looks. It's all about looks, a guy would never ever look twice at an ugly girl. And I say that from my own experience.


Lol.

And you think women don't do that?

The only way they'll date an ugly guy is if he has a high social status.


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## Propaganda (Oct 26, 2010)

Maybe you smell funny.... no, seriously : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pheromone


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

no one asks me out either


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## lonesomeboy (Aug 29, 2005)

nope..me never as well


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## rgrwng (Aug 25, 2011)

i think the more i want to ask women out the more pressure i feel to fail, so i just end up not trying and enjoying from a distance of more than 100 feet.

i see many women everyday, and eventually i find something i like about each one, so looks are not high on my list. most i see around are married or in relationships, so yeah, i don't want to go for it and be in a bad place if their boyfriend shows up.


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## Visionary (Apr 13, 2010)

They probably think that you want to be friends. Make a move first.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

If I read correctly you pursue contact with guys you're interested in, but stop short of making your interests clear. If these guys don't like you "that way", you end up being occupied with guys who aren't intereted, which might be why guys who are interested walk away. They may assume you're involved with the guys you're spending "friend" time with.


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## Miss Bee (Oct 15, 2011)

Atticus said:


> If I read correctly you pursue contact with guys you're interested in, but stop short of making your interests clear. If these guys don't like you "that way", you end up being occupied with guys who aren't intereted, which might be why guys who are interested walk away. They may assume you're involved with the guys you're spending "friend" time with.


How early am I supposed to make my intentions clear? I waited on the last one to become closer friends and meanwhile he got in a relationship, but if he is ever single again, don't you know I'll want to go for it. However, there is another friend I am attracted to, but I don't know him very well. I don't know how to flirt with a guy I don't see very often and who I have only seen with our mutual friends, with the exception of short conversations between classes.


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