# School Problems, No Friends *VERY LONG, RANT*



## galaxywolf33 (Oct 7, 2017)

VERY LONG RANT. This is basically a messy summary of my life over the past four years. Sharing all of this is really difficult for me. For the past two years, I been considering sharing my story on the internet but I've always been afraid that someone who knows me will see this and know exactly who I am. I want to start from the beginning of my experience with social anxiety, and how it has affected me since.

This started in seventh grade, I had just moved to a new school. I was always really quiet, but I still did presentations in class and spoke to people. At my new school, we did a presentation and I remember this exact moment when I stood in front of the class and just stood there for like two minutes, frozen. I couldn't say anything, or move and I had a bloody nose right there in front of everyone. My partner was telling me to say something, and people just stared at me. I still have terrible nightmares about this moment, and I can't believe it ever happened. This never happened to me before, and I never felt like that before. And for the next two years of middle school, I never talked to anyone else but my one friend and my teachers. I never did presentations, I couldn't speak to other people, or in front of the class. My friend and I became really good friends. We told each other everything, and she said I was her partner in crime. We were the same kind of ethnicity, so we kind of had similar lives. The next thing really hurt me though. She wanted to go to a different high school with her old friends from her old school back in elementary school. She had already applied, and was in the process of getting accepted. Her family had been doing the paperwork for her to transfer to that high school. And she told me all of this the day she got accepted. I was happy for her, but I felt really upset, because I thought we were good friends but obviously not. She had better friends. I am glad she got into a good school, but it was so unexpected. I knew that she was interested in the school, but she never told me anything else. I acted like I was happy for her, which I was but I was also really upset because I knew that I would have no friends when high school started.

When high school started, and weeks passed, I made some acquaintances at my high school, but they weren't friends. I hate going to school because I have no friends, everyone ignores me, and when I actually get attention, people are just trying to be nice and it seems like their making fun of me. But some people just don't even try to act nice, and are just rude and talk behind my back even when I'm right there. This girl said rude stuff about me, and someone pointed out that I was right there and she was like, "so? it's not like she'll tell anyone". Something along those lines, I don't know exactly but they really hurt.

I know I don't have the best social skills, but I couldn't make one friend after trying to talk to people, introduce myself, I even ask some people if I can join their group in classes. In the first year of high school, I really tried so hard to make at least one friend. This one other girl who seems like she's in the same situation as me doesn't want to be my friend either, even though I ask to be her partner because there's nobody else and I don't have a partner either and it's become like a routine where we're always partners now but we're not even friends and we don't talk. I join a small group, and they're already good friends and I couldn't be bothered to interrupt cause they're having some conversation I don't know about. 

Last year, and the start on this year, I've just felt ignored because whatever I do, I just cannot make a friend. I cannot join clubs either, because you need to buy a student card and I don't even know what to join because I'm not good at any sport and I am definitely NOT making a club. If I did, probably it would stupid and nobody would join. I have no friends so it would be just me and the stupid idea would be all mine. 

My old friend doesn't even talk to me anymore, and stopped talking to me after like three months of high school. It kind of seemed like she was annoyed at me, and didn't really care cause all she was saying was "ok, cool, " and things like that. I stopped bothering her, because that's all she was saying. She told me she was too busy with high school, and didn't have time to chat. Now we stopped talking completely, and I haven't talked to anyone since. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I have so much on my mind, and I haven't said anything for over a year now. 

Back to the situation now, that I'm in tenth grade. I still have no friends, I stopped trying because nobody seems to want a new friend or even putting in the effort to try to be my friend because I'm too quiet. I also hate going to class, but I've never skipped a class ever. I spent last year everyday doing homework during lunch, and so as this year. I just find somewhere to work so people don't have to see how pathetic it is that I do homework everyday and I have no friends. And there's not even that much places to go because pretty much everywhere has people, so I hope nobody in my classes sees me. I've been so unmotivated to do homework because I've been getting so much but I haven't even been completing it. I was a straight A's student last year, because I worked super hard and now I'm just happy if I'll pass. But what's even the point right now, because I have no clue what job I even want to have. My parents suggesting all these careers like doctor, lawyer to me. I just have no interest in careers and jobs and stuff right now because I'm 15. And it all seems pointless to me, putting in hours of work to do something. Also I have had bad insomnia for the past like three years now, and it takes me like two to three hours to fall asleep so I'm always lacking sleep so I'd rather use the time to sleep and not do homework. Sometimes I could sleep for 20 hours, and just wake up in the afternoon if I could.

Anyways, I'm doing pretty good in my classes, but just not with homework. In class today, we had to do a group work thing and I was the "leader" cause everyone has to be leader at least once and it was my turn. I was last, obviously. My group did no work at all, and I ended up doing it myself and even filling in their questions as well so I don't get a bad mark as leader. I even did that when they were the leader because I didn't want to get a bad mark for not contributing.

I did have lots of support with my social anxiety last year, because I got accommodations for oral presentations, and stuff. Now, my teacher keeps picking me to answer when she knows about my accommodations because she talked to me about it. I would get the wrong answer, I would say "1" and then she'd be like "okay, 3". Yesterday, she picked me to answer the question and like always, I said it quietly even though in my head, it sounds normal and I don't think it's that quiet. She told me to talk louder and it's not that hard. She also started talking about how we're gonna do lots of presentations this year, and I need to have social skills, and she had students who were quiet and they didn't do so well all in front of everyone. After she said that, I started tearing up. I actually cried like ten times this month because of having to speak, and I don't know why it's so upsetting for me. Like when my teacher picked me to read out something, and I didn't say anything and my eyes were getting watery. Everyone looked at me, and then my teacher skipped me. I swear I do not know anyone who is as quiet, and unsocial as I am in real life. I've seen others talking online on forums like this, but in real life, I don't know anyone who is like me. 

What's even worse is that my younger sister (ninth grade) went to high school this year, and since high school I have been pretending and lying to my family that I have friends when I don't because they know my old friend went to another high school. It seems weird to them because my old friend always came over, and now I don't have any friends to come over. I'm not close with my parents cause they're always spending time with my younger sisters. And I'm home alone pretty much everyday of my life, because they always go out without me. My sister doesn't care whatsoever, cause she's literally a spoilt brat. Just today, she got new expensive figure skates when my mom refused to buy me a new comb because I haven't brushed my hair in weeks because I left my comb at my aunt's house when we were sleeping over and my mom told me to let my baby sister brush her hair and I forgot to take it back so now I'm stuck using my fingers as a comb.

I also disabled all my social medias so people don't find me and make fun of my 1 follower count. And yesterday, I need photos for my lab report but had no social medias to get the photos cause it was due today. I put off asking until the day before it was due.

I think I'm gonna end here. This paragraph or whatever has been so disorganized, I just wanted to get some of this out. I really don't know what to do, and I don't even know if I could ask for advice for my situation because even I don't even know what to think. Well, thanks for reading. Sorry if I wasted your time.


----------



## ClearSightM (Oct 8, 2017)

I haven't had things as severe as you have, but things have been pretty rough for me socially as well. After 8th grade, all Summer long, I was constantly depressed about none of my school friends wanting to hang out and I couldn't bring myself to ask them. Once I got to 9th grade, I was just content with being able to see them in school after not seeing them all Summer. This content feeling continued throughout high school for some reason, even during Summers, so I never built up a good network of friends to have outside of school. Now I'm in college, people have largely gone their separate ways, and I fully regret never making deep-rooted friendships. My first year of college went well as I had a study group of seven other people who I really enjoyed being around, but now things have regressed severely in this second year in so many ways. I just want people to be around who I share something with. I'm struggling to find friends and do things outside of home lately too, so I came to this site. Reading your post truly makes me feel bad for you, and just know that I will be praying things start to look up for you during this time. I'm glad you built up the courage to let others know about this, and though I'm not much better in certain social situations, I would feel bad about not giving you any real advice here. So even though I'm having a bad time myself, my best advice based on my interactions would be to get involved in little events at libraries and things of that nature. I know my local library has video game tournaments and other opportunities for meeting other people. For you, and I would probably do the same thing, I would look for libraries and other venues outside of your immediate area so you don't run into people from your school as I know how discomforting that would be. I know that's not facing your fears head-on per se, but it's a good step in the right direction until you become more comfortable around people in general. It sort of allows you to turn over a new leaf and get to know people who don't already have misguided judgements of you. I'm sorry people have been ugly toward you, and hope things improve. Hopefully we call can overcome these barriers despite the overall antisocial trend in society.


----------



## SSBU (Oct 8, 2017)

Honestly, I'm shook. First off I'm really sorry you actually had to go through all that. It's really changed my perspective on so many levels about social anxiety - I never knew it would be as bad as what you've faced! I personally think you taking up the decision to finally let out your emotions, some or the other way is a beautiful and a brave start to something that may hopefully end up positive for you. Right after you finished writing this, if the emotion you felt was similar to that of having a heavy weight removed off of your chest, then I'd sincerely say that you're on the right track... If it gives you any ounce of peace of mind then I'd suggest that you keep expressing your feeling. This is because from my experience keeping things bottled up only adds to the mental trauma more... I've always had problems in maintaining relationships and it's always me that drives the other person away and the way the guilt used to eat away in my heart was pure agony. I'd find that there is absolutely no way to change how you think or how you feel about things, BUT (for me at least) there are two ways to deal with the mental frustration - meditation (and I mean the actual, real deal not the fake westernized tripe they show around in chick flicks) and writing. I've never maintained a proper diary, but on some of the days when things are truly unbearable, I find a scrap of paper and be as honest as I can be about what hurt me and what didn't etc. Most of the time I sound like a whiny three year old, but good Lord does it get my frustration off of me. Eventually the scrap of paper would either get burned, or into the Garbage can. 
I'm not saying that these two things DEFINITELY will work for you, I mean c'mon, we're different people and we think differently but it doesn't hurt to try at all. Day before yesterday I had a serious breakdown and I wrote on this site for the first time and I actually felt glad. I hope you've felt the same after writing yours. I'm really sorry that I cannot give you any legitimate advice on how to handle your situation but I hope the fact that you realizing and knowing people acknowledge and empathize with your situation would give you some form of emotional comfort - that maybe you're not as alone as you thought you were. 
God bless you dear and I'll pray for your good health - physical, emotional and mental. I hope that you'll find true happiness and everything you are looking for one day


----------



## Discover2017 (Nov 9, 2017)

galaxywolf33 said:


> VERY LONG RANT. This is basically a messy summary of my life over the past four years. Sharing all of this is really difficult for me. For the past two years, I been considering sharing my story on the internet but I've always been afraid that someone who knows me will see this and know exactly who I am. I want to start from the beginning of my experience with social anxiety, and how it has affected me since.
> 
> This started in seventh grade, I had just moved to a new school. I was always really quiet, but I still did presentations in class and spoke to people. At my new school, we did a presentation and I remember this exact moment when I stood in front of the class and just stood there for like two minutes, frozen. I couldn't say anything, or move and I had a bloody nose right there in front of everyone. My partner was telling me to say something, and people just stared at me. I still have terrible nightmares about this moment, and I can't believe it ever happened. This never happened to me before, and I never felt like that before. And for the next two years of middle school, I never talked to anyone else but my one friend and my teachers. I never did presentations, I couldn't speak to other people, or in front of the class. My friend and I became really good friends. We told each other everything, and she said I was her partner in crime. We were the same kind of ethnicity, so we kind of had similar lives. The next thing really hurt me though. She wanted to go to a different high school with her old friends from her old school back in elementary school. She had already applied, and was in the process of getting accepted. Her family had been doing the paperwork for her to transfer to that high school. And she told me all of this the day she got accepted. I was happy for her, but I felt really upset, because I thought we were good friends but obviously not. She had better friends. I am glad she got into a good school, but it was so unexpected. I knew that she was interested in the school, but she never told me anything else. I acted like I was happy for her, which I was but I was also really upset because I knew that I would have no friends when high school started.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Discover2017 (Nov 9, 2017)

I've been there, I (54) wish I knew then what I know now. This is something that you can change. I am proof. If you want my advice just let me know. It could help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Dusky Wolf (Nov 20, 2017)

To be honest, I was in a situation similar to yours so I can relate.
Have you tried going to your school counselor?
It sounds like you just want someone to talk to in your life, someone to share your emotions with;
if you don't have a counselor in your school or if you don't want to talk to one, you could try writing to a penpal, there is a subreddit for it if you're interested.
I'm sure somewhere on the internet, there is a person that'd be willing to be your friend (hell, I can be your friend if you want to).
Is talking about your anxiety to your parents an option?
If it is you could ask them to send you to a psychologist or a therapist and maybe even consider taking some medications if necessary.


----------

