# My friend thinks I am "too attached" to her



## glumdrop (Mar 28, 2014)

I met my best friend last year when I was a freshman in college, and now I am a sophomore. We've been friends for a little over a year, but our friendship has been one where it is like we've known each other for much longer. We have been very close, and have supported each other through many things. I don't think I have ever felt closer to someone or more comfortable with a friend. I have been a person, one of the main people that she has gone to to talk about things and problems, and she has been that to me. We have almost a "sister" type of relationship. She's a year older than me and the way we get along or act towards each other is almost like that of an older/younger sister. 

We currently live together with two other girls in a dorm style suite, and things were fine over the past months. We would see each other everyday, and not always talk a lot or hang out, but a lot of times we would, sometimes other friends would come to our room. We both have our separate class schedules and other things to do so it's not like we spend time together 24/7. Often, I would sit at the kitchen table, and she'd come out to join me. I sometimes would join her at the kitchen table if she was sitting there, but I tried to avoid it to give her space. Sometimes we would talk a lot about our day or things that happened. Sometimes we would just sit silently on our computers. I felt like it was mostly her initiating though to sit and talk with me because when she would get back from class I figured she might want to relax or something and not always talk to me. Ever since we started living together, I would always keep some distance and try not to be annoying or a bother especially if she was in her room. However, she had always been comfortable with me as well and would have no problem coming into my room to say something or ask something.

Besides the time spent together hanging out in the kitchen, often on the weekends she would ask me if I wanted to go a few places with her. I would almost always go. I am more of a "homebody" type of person, and I don't have many friends and all I would plan to do is relax and get homework done. We would also spend time with two of our other friends on the weekends. A lot of these weekends would also be spent helping her. She would ask me to help her a lot of times with projects she had and I would always be willing to help. Not only do I learn a lot from her, but she is my friend so of course I am willing to help. I am a type of person who is very caring and helpful and would do anything for the people I care about.

Anyways so as of around 4 weeks ago, things suddenly changed. I think everything changed when she thought I copied her about something. We worked it out (it was a misunderstanding) and it seemed normal for a day or two, but then as the weeks went on she just stopped talking to me. It went from her telling me about everything that was going on, to literally nothing. She went in her room everyday and acted completely uninterested in even saying "hi" to me. Of course I was very confused, especially when it seemed like although she was in a bad mood in general for a while, it got to the point when it was literally only me she was being weird to/ignoring. I tried asking about it once when we already made plans to do something with other friends and had to walk there together, and I asked her what was wrong. She told me she wanted to be alone and that it had nothing to do with me or anyone else and that she was just going through something. I accepted her answer completely and felt much better, but still remained confused about why she was isolating herself from me only, as her mood got better.

As time went on we would exchange words here and there, but nothing much. She borrows things from me a lot, which I don't mind but it kind of bothered me when she asked me to borrow a few things when she wasn't even talking to me. I am a very understanding and easy going person and I have no problem when someone needs to be alone, especially when they are going through something, but once again I saw that she was normal towards everyone else and not me. I felt kind of used at those points.

I left her a note when I went to go home for a day, wishing her good luck on something she was going that day and telling her that I hoped everything was well. I also said that I missed her. I didn't expect her to say anything about it, but she texted me saying she appreciated it and that we would talk soon. The next week went on like it had, and eventually I asked her when she would want to talk. We decided to talk that Friday and here's the main point from the conversation and my notes:

"I just feel that you are too attached to me and there needs to be some detachment"
- I don't feel I am too attached? Or more attached than a normal person would be to a friend? I mean I always think people are going to leave me because I am not good enough.

"I am not going to be here forever, I am going to graduate next year and I don't know what I or you will be doing"
- I'm not sure why this is relevant because I already know this/it is over a year away

"I always bring you places and you seem so miserable and miserable when we are with our other friends"
- I am NEVER miserable and I love spending time with her and my other friends. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable if I go to a party with them, but that was like, twice and it's just not my scene.

"I feel like you always get anxious or offended when I want to be alone in my room and sometimes I felt obligated to sit with you at the table or sometimes you would come out and sit with me and I felt like I had to be there"
- I never felt that she was obligated to sit or hang out with me and I don't care if she goes into her room. The only time it made me feel anxious is over these past couple of weeks because of everything 

"I've tried to help you so much (with my anxiety n depression problems), but you just haven't made any progress and I just can't do it anymore because it is exhausting"
- She has helped me a lot, and when she would bring up things like this it hurt me because I trusted her and opened up to her with info I don't give to everyone. I felt like she was using it against me in this conversation. I NEVER expected her to do anything for me and it is not my fault that she took on a role that no one forced onto her. Also I have helped her as well SO MUCH! Not only with her problems but just with projects and such.

"I feel like so many of our conversations have just been so negative and I just can't be around so much negativity"
- We would have so much fun together and talk about all different kinds of things so I don't feel that this is true

"You are here 90% of the time"
- I am not sure why it matters to her because I live here too and we have separate rooms

"I feel like I just need to be around more "driven" people"
- This hurts my feelings because I feel like she's basically saying she's above me or better than me. We are very different people and things are harder for me because of my anxiety and I am not on the same level as her but I continue to try so if that's not being driven in my own way I'm not sure what is?

"I feel like I am your number 1 best friend and I just can't be that and I have other friends"
- She is my "number 1 best friend" at this point, but the only reason I ever felt comfortable labeling her as my best friend because she labeled me as that as well. We're not each other's only best friends, I never expected her to consider me her "number 1 best friend". I just thought that was dumb.

"I feel like we've just spent too much time together and I've never even gotten to spend this much time with so&so"
- This made me feel bad because most of the times we spent time together was her initiating it or me HELPING HER WITH STUFF. I would rarely ask her to do things because I felt like we already spent a lot of time together and it would be "too much". Haha I tried to avoid a situation that ended up happening anyway. She just made it seem like I am not the person she would be spending this much time with if she could help it and that I'm not worth her time.

"We shouldn't even have to communicate not talking, that's what happened with so&so and so&so and it's normal and a part of life. People change and leave and things change."
- She said this to me which I find is interesting because a recent friend who left her said something like this. I feel like she is treating me like how some of her bad friends treated her. I don't think this makes sense to say because we live together, but when I said that to her she got annoyed and said "but this is my home to relax and be by myself if I want" which is completely true because I said that to her first to let her know I understand wanting to be alone, but I just think she is missing the point.

So yeah that's basically it! I know it's really long, so thanks for reading if you can. I understand the situation as much as I can. I am very intuitive and like I said, understanding and easy going. I know a lot about my friend, and I feel like she may be pushing me away because a lot of the trust issues she has developed because of things that have happened to her, and then maybe she needed to make it look like I was the one with the problem. But I am not sure of course and cannot help but to feel bad or offended but some of the things that were said. It is hard for me to feel comfortable with people and to trust people so I feel that even if things go back to normal with my friend/roommate, it will still be really hard and confusing for me, and basically like starting all over again. Everything was so fine and chill and it just sucks because I didn't even do anything wrong to cause things to change.


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## MaxAnxiety (Feb 1, 2014)

sometimes I think certain people do see each other too much / spend too much time together.. not that it's anyone's fault it just happens. The problem when it gets to that point is little things that wouldn't normally bother you start to grate on your nerves.


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## GrainneR (Feb 7, 2014)

Yeah, i have attachment issues. And I was recently abandoned by all of my friends.

I can totally relate. It sucks.


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## AnnaLouise (Mar 26, 2014)

Same here, although I have never experienced with a friend that I have lived with. I imagine that would make it much harder.

I am going through something similar to this with a longstanding "sister like" friend right now. We both got attached, but she makes it sound like I am the one with issues. If I confronted her with the same thing, she'd rip my head off, basically.

I think, like what has already ben mentioned, that your friend might be projecting certain past issues of trust and being too close onto you, especially if you go out of your way to not try and take up a lot of her space or bug her by always being too available. My natural instinct is to try to be everything to my friend but this friend gets smothered by that, so I back off, even though it's hard for me.

Maybe even if you try hard not to be too available, your friend still senses the needy vibes. 

At this point, after dealing with all of that list of issues she has laid out for you, I would keep my distance even more. She's obviously going through something. I would just shut things down, go about your business, don't try to refute the points she's made (even if you don't agree with them). At least not yet. Maybe get involved in hobbies or other things that interest you, meet some new people. Show that you do have a life outside of your friendship with her. 

Give her time to miss you.


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## FunkyFedoras (Aug 30, 2013)

I think if she feels that strongly about it then just give her the space she wants? I am currently going through the exact same thing where my roommate thinks I'm too attached to her so she has been talking to me less, avoiding eating meals with me and avoiding our room altogether. And so I realize she is trying to distance herself so I haven't said anything about it and just let her do what she wants. I am so tired of it that I don't even care anymore. Anyways, if your friend feels that way and she is convinced you're being too attached to her, the most you can do is respect her wishes and be there if she needs someone to talk to.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

I've been going through a similar thing lately. It's really painful. I don't have any advice.


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

A lot of it is HER feeling attached to you and it bothers her, don't try to manipulate her feelings, it would be too fakey and bad, she is going through stuff right now the same as you, sorry, but better to focus on yourself.

I wish someone would have said that to me, I have been through something very very similar.

Good luck


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## masterridley (Jan 20, 2007)

I think this is entirely her problem, not yours. As you said, you tried to give her space, you didn't turn up at any party uninvited or anything, and you generally kept to yourself. If she wants to blame you for all her life difficulties, then she can go **** herself if you excuse the expression.

I think the only thing you can take out of this situation is that she isn't as good a person as you thought she was. But at least she's not going full aggressive on you so that's a plus. If I were you, I would try to protect myself ie leave her alone and try to find other people to hang out.

Also, if you want my opinion, this is bound to happen if you only hang out with one other person; then that person gets all the power in the relationship and as you know power corrupts, it really can bring the worst out of people.


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