# Power of Curiosity: For Those Who Have Trouble Holding Conversation



## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Hello all,

I hope everyone on here is still making great strides. This is something that happened a couple of days ago. It's not really a triumph for me, because I've been over this part of anxiety for a couple of years, but I just realized how certain things I happened to have read about recently match up with what I've been doing to succeed with normal conversation. I thought this would help other people triumph in one-on-one conversation, and so I think this is the proper place for it. If you're having trouble with conversation, read on; this is for you.

So, I happened to be at a 7-11 the other night. For those of you who aren't aware, they've got those baked nacho doritos with queso inside (Good Lord...). I wanted to try them, so I bought some, but the guy said the ones that were out there were old, and so he wanted to make me some fresh ones. Quite alright with me. Anyways, I was waiting there near the counter, and another guy walked in. All he wanted to buy was something to smoke, and I think a snack. I'm quite happy with how my life is going right now, and I've got no worries, but it kind of does bother me a little bit that I have no social life. It's weird, because it didn't before, but now I'm finding myself bored a lot. So, I've been making moves to change that up. So we were standing there in silence for a minute. I took a look at him, saw what he was wearing, and I noticed his shoes. You learn to make certain observations about people on-the-fly. I could tell by how he put his clothes together, he was somewhat into fashion. Especially into his shoes. People who dress that way, 9 times out of 10 collect sneakers.

So, to pass the few minutes of silence, I said, "Hey, what do you call those?", and gestured down at his shoes with a nod of my head. He let me know, and I said, "Those don't look like the kind you could just find in a store (I wasn't even saying that as a fact, just making conversation)...do you collect?" This really got him talking. Mind you, I don't really know much about this stuff, just what certain brands look like, and the fact that there have been big sneaker releases in recent events and they've led to shootings and stuff like that. You'd know that just by catching the news or reading the newspaper. So, I brought up how a lot of people go crazy for that brand of sneaker, "Jordans". So then he had a lot to say about that, and he started talking about fashion.

I'm pretty into fashion, so I had some stuff to say about that too. At this point, we had been talking in the store for 5 minutes, and the clerk had given us the things we paid for, so we started walking towards the door. So, in the back of my mind, I had been thinking about collecting sneakers. When we get outside, I let him know that and ask him where I should start. He had a lot of knowledge on that too. Said he learned how to restore sneakers, and I started asking him about that. Here's the kicker here. Would you believe that we ended up sitting on the curb and talking about life until 2:30 AM? I got there at just after 12 AM. And it stopped at 2:30 AM, because I ended it by exchanging contact info and went home.

So, how does one become proficient enough in the art of conversation? This is the most important tip you'll ever need here. I've been reading some highly recommended self-help books over the past few months, because I'm always looking for something to help improve myself with. Of these, I've read books such as The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane, and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

By the way, if you're wondering which one of these you'd get the most out of, I highly suggest The Charisma Myth. It not only tells you about charisma, and how people with it behave, but it gives you actual exercises you can integrate into your daily life effortlessly so that you will subconsciously start exhibiting these behaviors. In other words, you'll start acting like someone with charisma. I didn't get past chapter 4 of the book, because I got busy with school work, but I had already started noticing subtle differences in how people were talking to me. I started to get a lot more people initiating conversation. It was a daily thing for me.

Anyways, back to the key thing I noticed in both of these extremely highly rated books, as well as others. When they talk about conversation, they all say to follow this key rule: "*Don't be interesting, be interested.*"

Now, after hearing that, do you see how that applies to that nearly 3-hour conversation I just spoke about having?

1. I wanted to start a conversation, and I began taking in his appearance so that I could try to figure out what kind of person he was. I could tell that he was interested in fashion, and knew he had something to say about it, so that was my focus.

2. I became *interested* in that by asking him about his sneakers. (It's important to note here that you don't really have to be 100% interested in the topic. You don't even have to be 1% interested. You can feign it completely. If you know they have something to say about the topic, and they're not in any kind of bad mood, they WILL talk.)

3. Pretty much rinse and repeat. He was telling me about sneakers, cool. We talked about that for five minutes or so and then he brought it into fashion, which would have been easy enough for me to do either way. I went there with him, and when we got outside, I brought it back to sneakers for a few minutes, but in a different way. I asked him how to get started collecting. I was *interested* in something that I knew was a hobby of his. He said he liked to restore sneakers, I became *interested* in that as well. He was making certain points, and I was agreeing with him. Then I stayed on topic, but linked it to something else. I mentioned how it seemed that a lot of people seemed to just be following the crowd with what they wear instead of just wearing what they want (wearing things because other people make a big deal about them). Then this branched out into insecurity issues of people just being afraid to be themselves, then it turned into people our age not knowing who they want to be and what they want to do with their lives, then it turned onwards to career talk and the different work experiences we had.

So, to summarize that last point. I was interested in things I knew the guy had opinions on, and I linked the conversation to sub-topics. From nice sneakers, to fashion, to following trends, to following trends for insecurity reasons, to people not knowing who they are, to talking about who we wanted to be. Now, of course I maintained interest by asking more questions and saying general statements, but of course I didn't type out my every-word, because it was a nearly 3-hour conversation. I think you get the idea with what I was saying. If not, ask me. I've been pretty confident for some time that I could talk to anybody. I realized now through reading those books, and being aware of what I've been doing that this is why.

I was going to type some cliff-notes here, but I know how much this would have helped me back when I didn't know where to start with this stuff. So, I'm not going to risk dampening it's effect for those who need it by cutting it down. Practice these

Well, there's my enormous post for July


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Yes, curiosity is key! 

I've been saying this to anyone who will listen.

Suspending judgment is also very important, I think.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Preach, brother! Lol

Yes, that's another something I didn't mention. All judgement does is alienate. So, unless you're looking to practice your debate skills, don't do it.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

This is great, AntiAnxiety. I've mentioned in other threads that the key to conversation is to ask a lot of questions, but you've provided a great example and you're obviously much better at this than I am.

Most people love to talk about themselves and the things that they enjoy. If you can get them to talk about themselves you can usually figure out what it is they enjoy and get them talking about that. That's great for a couple of reasons:

1. You don't have to know anything about what they're talking about (though it helps, of course) -- most people are happy to explain what they're talking about because it gives them a chance to show off their knowledge.

2. If you can keep people talking about themselves, you don't have to spend as much time talking about yourself, which is often a source of embarrassment for people with SA. ("What do you do?" "Um...er...well, not much, really.")

3. If you ask questions and appear interested, people will find _you_ interesting. Strange but true. Conversely, people often find it off-putting if you just start talking about yourself for no reason.

It's great that you were able to take a look at this person and find something to talk about, but it's helpful to have some "stock" questions available if nothing obvious presents itself, or if asking would be weird. If you're a guy trying to start a conversation with a girl, it might be weird to ask her about her shoes. (Maybe not, depending on the shoes.)


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

truant said:


> 1. You don't have to know anything about what they're talking about (though it helps, of course) -- most people are happy to explain what they're talking about because it gives them a chance to show off their knowledge.


Yeah, I used to worry about seeming ignorant (it seems that is a common concern for others here too), but it turns out it's perfectly ok to know nothing about a topic. If you are genuinely curious about it, people usually like to be the expert and are happy to have something they can speak with confidence about..


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Wow. I'm happy to see that some people have accepted this stuff as fact already and are vouching for it.

I'd see people saying they struggle with conversation a lot on here, and all I could say is to pretty much keep doing it, and it would come through trial and error. Now, I realize there are some steps you could follow that will allow people to make progress the same day they start trying them.


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## AndreaXo (Mar 22, 2014)

Thanks for writing this post AntiAnxiety, it's really encouraging to see these kind of posts on here. The Charisma Myth sounds interesting and since you recommend it, I'll definitely get a copy for myself.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

AndreaXo said:


> Thanks for writing this post AntiAnxiety, it's really encouraging to see these kind of posts on here. The Charisma Myth sounds interesting and since you recommend it, I'll definitely get a copy for myself.


Take it from somebody who's not even a book person at all. You HAVE to read what's in there, lol.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank you for this. Your advice and that story is so practical and encouraging. I especially like what you said about being interested as opposed to interesting. I am definitely taking this into consideration. Thank you for breaking down how you approached the conversation as well rather than just telling the story alone that makes it easier to apply the advice to our own lives as well. Thanks again.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> Thank you for this. Your advice and that story is so practical and encouraging. I especially like what you said about being interested as opposed to interesting. I am definitely taking this into consideration. Thank you for breaking down how you approached the conversation as well rather than just telling the story alone that makes it easier to apply the advice to our own lives as well. Thanks again.


You're absolutely welcome. I'm not here to tell stories, because that seems pointless. No one here gets anything out of that. I started posting here regularly again, because I wanted people to experience my success. Once I realized that there were people who were tired of the same depressing talk, just like I was, I knew there were people who could benefit from what I had to say. Any thread I post in here will have something that someone can take away from it. That way, you can create your own stories =)

By the way, after a few tries with this, this will become second nature.


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## misanthropy101 (May 11, 2014)

Very well written and easily understood. Thanks dude.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

I have a question though. How do you find the balance between being interested in the other person and talking about yourself? I've noticed in the past when I tried to improve my conversational skills that when I would talk about myself the other person would either be silent, ignore me, or keep talking about themselves. And even though I would ask them questions about themselves and be interested they'd never seem to do the same for me. Someone told me that I should only talk about myself when asked a question specifically. Is this the rule to follow generally?

Also about the book on charisma and how to win friends and influence people, I've never really wanted to read those books. I'm not trying to discount that they've helped you though. It just seems like those books are saying you have to become this super outgoing person to be successful socially. It's not my goal to be an extroverted social butterfly. I just want to be an introverted person with average social skills. Do those books try to convince readers that they have to change their nature and personalities or just teach communication skills?


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

misanthropy101 said:


> Very well written and easily understood. Thanks dude.


You're very welcome ^_^



seeking777 said:


> I have a question though. How do you find the balance between being interested in the other person and talking about yourself? I've noticed in the past when I tried to improve my conversational skills that when I would talk about myself the other person would either be silent, ignore me, or keep talking about themselves. And even though I would ask them questions about themselves and be interested they'd never seem to do the same for me. Someone told me that I should only talk about myself when asked a question specifically. Is this the rule to follow generally?
> 
> Also about the book on charisma and how to win friends and influence people, I've never really wanted to read those books. I'm not trying to discount that they've helped you though. It just seems like those books are saying you have to become this super outgoing person to be successful socially. It's not my goal to be an extroverted social butterfly. I just want to be an introverted person with average social skills. Do those books try to convince readers that they have to change their nature and personalities or just teach communication skills?


I'd say I'd be interested for a while and then I'd start to mention things about myself more and more. Don't forget, being interested doesn't just mean asking things about the person you're talking to; it involves asking things about what the person is talking about as well.

Regarding the book on charisma, let's just say there are so many things in there that you can kind of choose what you want to use and, in a sense, you turn a knob on your communication skills. Turn it all the way up, or turn it up just enough to hold a conversation.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Okay, noted. Now, can you expound on the part about how you incorporated tips from the charisma book and people started initiating convos with you more? Can you provide an example of a scenario that happened to you please? If you don"t mind. I've always wanted to talk with someone whose overcome sa so I'm taking advantage of this opportunity. :yes


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> Okay, noted. Now, can you expound on the part about how you incorporated tips from the charisma book and people started initiating convos with you more? Can you provide an example of a scenario that happened to you please? If you don"t mind. I've always wanted to talk with someone whose overcome sa so I'm taking advantage of this opportunity. :yes


Gladly. I just won't say exactly what was in the book, because it's one of the few books I feel is worth buying. This is kind of simple. The book tells you about doing several things and their effects on a conversation, and then it tells you exactly how to do those things; for example, being in the moment. I would go to school, do my homework and then read some of the book. Or I would just read some of the book in the morning before going out. Then, I would just put into action whatever I learned in the book.

Even when you're not actually talking, there are several things you can do to appear approachable. So, I'll just give one example.

I was sitting in a class of mine one day when I realized this was happening. On several occasions, I had people who were sitting in front of me turn around and ask me about something in the class. It was weird to me, because they had people on either side that they could have asked, and I never really spoke in class. Basically, they elected to talk to the quiet guy behind them instead of the outspoken people that were next to them. This actually happened to me from all angles. Now, this wasn't anything coincidental like that. Even when I went food-shopping, people would randomly talk to me. I started to have complete control over the group conversations I was involved in.

Mind you, I didn't even finish the book, because I got lazy, lol. Only got halfway through when all of this started up. Most of the time, I'd just let the interaction die out. Like I said, I'm lazy, lol.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank you again, I really appreciate this advice/encouragement. It really is going to help me.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

seeking777 said:


> Thank you again, I really appreciate this advice/encouragement. It really is going to help me.


You're welcome. You might want to check out my mountaintop thread that's also on the front page. I brought up how powerful this stuff is for job interviews.


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