# My therapist just nods at me, help!



## Relz (Oct 31, 2011)

I had my first real session with her today. It was an hour long; every time I said something she just nodded and stared at me anywhere from 3-7 seconds without saying anything. It made me extremely uncomfortable and it seemed like a good portion of the session was spent in silence like this. 

I should note that this is the first time I have seen a therapist and I don't really know what to expect.
I should also note that I am using my college's counseling & mental health center and the therapist is an intern. I can't afford a real therapist off campus nor do I have proper transportation, so my options are limited. 

So tell me, is this normal for therapists to do? Or is this a bad sign? Should I tell her it makes me uncomfortable?


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Relz said:


> I had my first real session with her today. It was an hour long; every time I said something she just nodded and stared at me anywhere from 3-7 seconds without saying anything. It made me extremely uncomfortable and it seemed like a good portion of the session was spent in silence like this.
> 
> I should note that this is the first time I have seen a therapist and I don't really know what to expect.
> I should also note that I am using my college's counseling & mental health center and the therapist is an intern. I can't afford a real therapist off campus nor do I have proper transportation, so my options are limited.
> ...


This isn't normal. Your therapist should be listening to you and asking questions, not just nodding.


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## JackNoah (Oct 30, 2011)

I think you should go back a few more times and see if it gets any better. I agree with Witan, as a qualified professional she should be offering advice and asking questions rather than just giving you a wall to speak to.


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## Relz (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I will try a few more sessions with her and see if I am making any progress. 
I've just learned that my school can help me change therapists if it becomes a problem, so it looks like I'm not necessarily stuck with her after all. :boogie


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## FriedGold (Oct 23, 2011)

I think it's best to bring it up now. I had a similar experience that turned me off therapy forever. 

The only therapy-like interaction I've had was at a psych school with a grad student getting her masters. She never responded to what I said or asked follow up questions. It got to the point where we would sit in silence for *way* too long and I would say I had to leave early because it was so uncomfortable. She insisted I had to see her twice a week, which was really expensive (although cheaper than a real therapist) and I didn't have the spine to say no. 

After a few months I told her I would appreciate some sort of feedback because I didn't know what to talk about when we just sat there. She said she thought I was quiet because I didn't like her. :um What kind of a mental health professional thinks (and then says) that to a patient instead of trying to get to the root of the problem? I said I wouldn't be back.

She called me the next week to set up another appointment but I said no, that it wasn't a "good fit." That felt empowering, but I'm never going through it again.


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## theJdogg (Sep 18, 2009)

Did she give you an informed consent with a description of her theoretical leanings? I find it very odd that she failed to describe her techniques to you. My therapist didn't but I can recognize the techniques and she knows that. A psychoanalytic psychotherapist may want you to free associate for a while. Did she give you an original instruction? A person centered therapist (another guess) often reframes what you said so it's a very client directed therapy. It's kinda common for therapists-in-training to use pct for the first session or two or to get a feel for the isssues and what techniques would work best. It's also effective. I've made all types of connections when a therapist or fellow grad student is using pct. I'm in a counseling masters program and these are the only texhniques I could think of to describe what your therapist did. In the next session, ask the therapist to describe her theretical background and techniques. If things are still confusing, request to talk to her supervisor. Another thing, counselors and psychologists tend to be over-thinkers much like us SAers. I believe that many suffer from SA and are worried about screwing up. If it doesn't seem like you established a therapeutic relationship, find a different therapist. Sometimes, we don't connect with clients for whatever reason. It's not a big deal to see a different therapist. Hope this helps a little and doesn't make it more confusing. When I write on my iPod, my stuff can get a little confusing.


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## theJdogg (Sep 18, 2009)

FriedGold said:


> I think it's best to bring it up now. I had a similar experience that turned me off therapy forever.
> 
> The only therapy-like interaction I've had was at a psych school with a grad student getting her masters. She never responded to what I said or asked follow up questions. It got to the point where we would sit in silence for *way* too long and I would say I had to leave early because it was so uncomfortable. She insisted I had to see her twice a week, which was really expensive (although cheaper than a real therapist) and I didn't have to spine to say no.
> 
> ...


It sounds like a person centered therapist, but not a very good one. Pcts don't instruct clients. Again, it sounds like your therapist failed to adequately explain the techniques or adjust to a more eclectic view. In therapy, the relationship is more important than technique most of the time. Certain therapies do work better than othersdependinf on the issues and client. She seemed to have some issues about you herself aka countertransference. Trust me, I know several with countertransference and boundary issues. I got my share of issues too but that's i'm working on them in therapy so I won't do what this therapist did to you. It's too bad. Don't give up on therapists altogether.

Btw, sweet spaced reference.


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## FriedGold (Oct 23, 2011)

theJdogg said:


> It sounds like a person centered therapist, but not a very good one. Pcts don't instruct clients. Again, it sounds like your therapist failed to adequately explain the techniques or adjust to a more eclectic view. In therapy, the relationship is more important than technique most of the time. Certain therapies do work better than othersdependinf on the issues and client. She seemed to have some issues about you herself aka countertransference. Trust me, I know several with countertransference and boundary issues. I got my share of issues too but that's i'm working on them in therapy so I won't do what this therapist did to you. It's too bad. Don't give up on therapists altogether.


She didn't talk about technique or strategy at all, and the only form I signed was generic to the school. Thank you for this...I know nothing about psychology so it's very insightful.



theJdogg said:


> Btw, sweet spaced reference.


Thanks!


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## theJdogg (Sep 18, 2009)

FriedGold said:


> She didn't talk about technique or strategy at all, and the only form I signed was generic to the school. Thank you for this...I know nothing about psychology so it's very insightful.
> 
> Thanks!


That sucks. It's amazing what they can get away with when they(Myself included) are in training. Our professors taught us to inform our clients a little bit. Not the whole theory, but some basic expectations so the clients aren't left confused like you and relz were. I'm sorry.

I considered changing from theJdogg to tyres or tfu or brian topp as my sas name once. I think I may on a different site one day. I'm more than a little obsessed with the show so I was super stoked to see your avatar name.


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## Relz (Oct 31, 2011)

theJdogg said:


> Did she give you an informed consent with a description of her theoretical leanings? I find it very odd that she failed to describe her techniques to you. My therapist didn't but I can recognize the techniques and she knows that. A psychoanalytic psychotherapist may want you to free associate for a while. Did she give you an original instruction? A person centered therapist (another guess) often reframes what you said so it's a very client directed therapy. It's kinda common for therapists-in-training to use pct for the first session or two or to get a feel for the isssues and what techniques would work best. It's also effective. I've made all types of connections when a therapist or fellow grad student is using pct. I'm in a counseling masters program and these are the only texhniques I could think of to describe what your therapist did. In the next session, ask the therapist to describe her theretical background and techniques. If things are still confusing, request to talk to her supervisor. Another thing, counselors and psychologists tend to be over-thinkers much like us SAers. I believe that many suffer from SA and are worried about screwing up. If it doesn't seem like you established a therapeutic relationship, find a different therapist. Sometimes, we don't connect with clients for whatever reason. It's not a big deal to see a different therapist. Hope this helps a little and doesn't make it more confusing. When I write on my iPod, my stuff can get a little confusing.


Nope, she gave me nothing like that at all. The only paper work I was ever given was before my initial session with a counselor who would assign me to a therapist.

I asked her last time how she plans to help me in our last session; she described it as talk therapy with homework assignments.

I think my problem with her is that I don't know whether she's actually making an effort to understand me. I feel like her responses tend to err toward pity. In our first session she told me that she can't even imagine how it must feel to have lacked social interaction with peers for such a long time. And she makes a worried face at me. I don't usually look her straight in the eye, but whenever I look up (usually during her long periods of silence) she is always making it, and nodding. It could be that its just a face she makes when she's thinking (perhaps the over-thinking that you mentioned), but it makes me nervous and along with the things she says, feels like she's judging me.

She does ask questions now, usually along the lines of "how does that make you feel". Perhaps it is client-centered as you say, since it is as if she's expecting me to lead the sessions? But its just too much for the moment. I feel uncomfortable talking to her through the thick, awkward silence. :afr Should I try to tell her this?

I just hope I'm not the one making this situation out to be worse than it is; that I may fear her judging me so much that I end up judging her instead.


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## theJdogg (Sep 18, 2009)

Relz said:


> Nope, she gave me nothing like that at all. The only paper work I was ever given was before my initial session with a counselor who would assign me to a therapist.
> 
> I asked her last time how she plans to help me in our last session; she described it as talk therapy with homework assignments.
> 
> ...


I misspoke abuot the initial theories thing. Some do that and some don't. The important thing is that you shouldn't be confused about the process. You are the most the most important person in therapy. Be honest with your therapist about how you feel about the process. I can't really give my opinion on what's going on. I could only guess based on what I read. Sorry, I can't tell you what to do.


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## bottleofblues (Aug 6, 2008)

Give her a chance, i take it this is not costing you anything? Personally i have seen a lot of therapists over the years and the only one that really was any good, was a female psychologist but the first time i saw her i had a similar experience to you i felt real uncomfortable around her cos i was the only one doing most of the talking and she was just listening and not doing much talking.
And i remember thinking oh great here i go again another 'douchebag' but the second session went much better she was articulate and understanding, i think she was just using that first session to size me up, ie see what sort of approach she should give me. The best thing i ever got from her was the reality that everybody is different, there is no one size fits all approach, if you are a therapist you have to tailour your therapy to suit the clients individual's needs.
I'm not saying that this particulat therapist is not necessairily impcompetnet (beleive me there are alot of them out there) its just that if its only your first session, it might take a sess of 2 for you to 'warm' to them.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Relz said:


> I had my first real session with her today. It was an hour long; every time I said something she just nodded and stared at me anywhere from 3-7 seconds without saying anything. It made me extremely uncomfortable and it seemed like a good portion of the session was spent in silence like this.
> 
> I should note that this is the first time I have seen a therapist and I don't really know what to expect.
> I should also note that I am using my college's counseling & mental health center and the therapist is an intern. I can't afford a real therapist off campus nor do I have proper transportation, so my options are limited.
> ...


That is how it was with the last person I saw, which lasted one session. He would literally stare and make me feel uncomfortable because he wouldn't say anything. I had to ask him what he wanted me to say at one point.

I also think he's gay, which doesn't bother me in and of itself, it was just a weird combination. Oh yeah, and I told my brother I saw him, told him some of the things I said to him (which my brother then relayed to the therapist). The therapist then had the nerve to say I should've known better than to talk about our appointment with someone else, given I am a psychology graduate. Just a weird guy all-around. My brother doesn't seem to mind him though.


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## Dying note (Mar 17, 2009)

I agree with what some others have mentioned, to give it a few more sessions before making a decision to change. I think you should definitely bring up your concerns to her about what makes you uncomfortable because it all (or should, I guess) help her figure out the best way to approach helping you specifically. I hope things work out and it's good to hear you've chosen to begin therapy at all. Deciding to speak to someone was the hardest thing I've ever followed through on.


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## katiec2312 (Sep 23, 2011)

I think it depends on the therapist.. but if she makes you feel uncomfortable I definitely think you should try another. 
When I saw my college therapist she was the exact same, and would just sit and stare at me until I spoke again and I hated it! So I stopped seeing her and went to one through my doctor and the second therapist was so much better, she could tell how nervous I was about talking so did the same amount of talking as me, if not more, and would prompt me with lots of questions so I didn't feel uncomfortable. 
So I think you should maybe try a different one, I'm not sure if they just have different styles or one was better than the other but I'm glad I changed therapists.


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

She could be taking notes down, but if shes the same after a few sessions then quit and get a new one if possible.


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## Relz (Oct 31, 2011)

Thank you guys for all the responses!
Two sessions ago, I let her know that it makes me uncomfortable me and she has been talking with me more, and nodding less.  I'm glad that she has listened to my concern. I've decided to keep seeing her at least until I exhaust my set number of free sessions.


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## cosmicserpent (Jan 7, 2011)

The best therapist is one that actually experienced similar things that you have. This is a prime indicator that they are not just recalling things from med school, and actually have first-hand experience.


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