# 3 weeks into new job and feeling destroyed



## Raro

I started my new job 3 weeks ago and each week has got steadily worse. It's an admin based role so I need to 'work well with others', which isn't really happening right now because I feel overwhelmed with everything. I'm working with mainly extroverts who are constantly joking around with eachother and are clearly bonded. Then there's silent me, becoming more invisible by the hour. I so want to join in but I can never find the words and anyway I've been quiet too long now to suddenly pipe up. 

I feel bad because in the interview I know I came across as fairly sociable/outgoing, and now I feel like the ones who interviewed me are wondering why I don't say anything and am not gelling with the others. Basically, I'm far from living up to expectations. This is getting me down to the point that I'm losing weight from worry and can't stop crying.

My lowest point was last night. Drinks after work. Pure hell. I just could not relax, said barely anything and when I did, it came out wrong and weird. The worst thing for me about SA is this aspect...where you say things you don't mean, in a strange way and you get the freak look. Hate it. 

Anyway, I'm feeling extremely lost and disappointed. Any tips gratefully received.


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## BlackHollywood

Don't worry Raro, I feel the same as you.

I started my current job about 5/6 months ago and I still find it hard to socialize. I thought it would get better in time, but it's pretty much just stayed the same. The funny thing is I actually get on OK with the older people that work there, but the people my age I just can't gel with. I always feel like they find me boring. 

I think my problem has to do with a variety of factors. Only part of my problem is not actually knowing what to say, it has more to do with (1) finding the courage to say the things I want to say and (2) actually being interested in talking to people. Sometimes I find I just want to get on with things and not be bothered trying to socialize and make money at the same time. I am the sort of person that resents having to worry about making friends in an environment where all I'm really there to do is make money. However, because so many other people find it easy to work and socialize, I now feel like I'm a freak if I can't do these things. Interacting and working, for people with SA, is like carrying out two different work tasks at once! It really is very frustrating, and yet it feels so lonely being the 'quiet one.' 

I just can't connect with people at work. I think I'm too aware of what I'm saying and whether or not it will get around. It's not like I can be open with my work colleagues, because I feel like being too open with people that I work with could potentially put me in a very vulnerable position. Also, they've all been working together for years and years. They all already have a bond based on time alone. For me, time doesn't make me gel with people. If I don't gel with someone, I just don't gel. I won't be able to get comfortable. Even after 6 months I still don't really feel comfortable. 

Anyway, my point is don't beat yourself up about it. Tell me, are you the type of person who starts to 'warm up' after you've been around people for a while, or do you find it hard to connect to people?


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## jesse93

I feel the same way, I started my new job 3 weeks ago, and same as you, all of these people are extroverts, and have convos with each other all the time, when I first started they all attempted to connect with me, but they soon found out how shy and awkward I was, so they gave up trying, now every day at work, I just sit there quiet as everyone has convos with each other. My sister is the one who helped me get this job, because she works there also, and she invited me out to dinner last friday with 2 of my other coworkers, I sat there across the table from my 2 coworkers, and said nothing for the whole 2 hours that I was there, it also made me sad because while I was at this dinner, they were talking crap about the other coworkers.. I can only wonder what they say about me behind my back :/

Anyway, I don't have much advice as you, because I'm in the same situation, but I hope you find some way to connect with these people.


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## Raro

BlackHollywood said:


> Don't worry Raro, I feel the same as you.
> 
> I started my current job about 5/6 months ago and I still find it hard to socialize. I thought it would get better in time, but it's pretty much just stayed the same. The funny thing is I actually get on OK with the older people that work there, but the people my age I just can't gel with. I always feel like they find me boring.
> 
> I think my problem has to do with a variety of factors. Only part of my problem is not actually knowing what to say, it has more to do with (1) finding the courage to say the things I want to say and (2) actually being interested in talking to people. Sometimes I find I just want to get on with things and not be bothered trying to socialize and make money at the same time. I am the sort of person that resents having to worry about making friends in an environment where all I'm really there to do is make money. However, because so many other people find it easy to work and socialize, I now feel like I'm a freak if I can't do these things. Interacting and working, for people with SA, is like carrying out two different work tasks at once! It really is very frustrating, and yet it feels so lonely being the 'quiet one.'
> 
> I just can't connect with people at work. I think I'm too aware of what I'm saying and whether or not it will get around. It's not like I can be open with my work colleagues, because I feel like being too open with people that I work with could potentially put me in a very vulnerable position. Also, they've all been working together for years and years. They all already have a bond based on time alone. For me, time doesn't make me gel with people. If I don't gel with someone, I just don't gel. I won't be able to get comfortable. Even after 6 months I still don't really feel comfortable.
> 
> Anyway, my point is don't beat yourself up about it. Tell me, are you the type of person who starts to 'warm up' after you've been around people for a while, or do you find it hard to connect to people?


Hi! Thanks so much for getting back to me with your story. It seems we are in a similar boat.

As for your questions, I do find it hard to connect to people when the start has been difficult. Like in the case with my job, I've been quiet from the start so now it's going to be extra hard to connect as I feel I'm already the weird one and invisible because I don't join in or talk.

When I meet people on an individual basis, in a non stressful environment (as in not the first day of a new job) the chances are we will get on and connect but when I'm confronted with a group, I shut down and in doing so I quickly get the 'strange' label. It's very disheartening.

Anyway, trying to stay positive. Just about keeping the Sunday blues at bay.


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## Raro

jesse93 said:


> I feel the same way, I started my new job 3 weeks ago, and same as you, all of these people are extroverts, and have convos with each other all the time, when I first started they all attempted to connect with me, but they soon found out how shy and awkward I was, so they gave up trying, now every day at work, I just sit there quiet as everyone has convos with each other. My sister is the one who helped me get this job, because she works there also, and she invited me out to dinner last friday with 2 of my other coworkers, I sat there across the table from my 2 coworkers, and said nothing for the whole 2 hours that I was there, it also made me sad because while I was at this dinner, they were talking crap about the other coworkers.. I can only wonder what they say about me behind my back :/
> 
> Anyway, I don't have much advice as you, because I'm in the same situation, but I hope you find some way to connect with these people.


Hi there!
Thanks a lot for replying. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I'm trying to get as many tips or advice as possible on how to conquer this, as I need the job! lol. I will pass on anything useful. Try and stay positive.


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## ICat

I have to start looking for a job soon, and this is one of the things I worry about. It's been pretty much like you described in my past job which was partially reason why I quit


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## Mutiny

I am the same way! Been here three weeks and I haven't really connected with anyone. I like the comment "I can't work and socialize at the same time, that's asking too much." I feel the same way.


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## xRoh

Aww seems like many of us are in the same position! I too have just started a new job. Been there for about 3-4 weeks now and I still get that really nervous feeling the day before I have to go in. Once I'm there though, I seem to be fine.

I'm the same, in that one on one, I can talk to people and have a nice conversation, but if there is a group of people I am unfamiliar with, it's like a nightmare. I try to involve myself.. I refuse to stay quiet.. but I can't help but feel ignored and left out because I'm the newbie.


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## andy1984

i'm the same after 2 and a half years. i'm quiting in a month.

maybe there is a job where i fit in and can talk to my co-wokers... maybe.


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## xxx13

3 weeks? I'm on my first day in my new job and I already wanted to leave.


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## randomperson86

It definitely sucks to have to start over with a new job, new environment and new people - who already know each other and have their little inside jokes.

I've been invited to hang out with some co-workers before for happy hour, and I was so uncomfortable and felt even worse when my friend told me I needed to talk. It was awful, and I don't even drink, I just wanted to spend time with two of my friends that I used to work with (and they decided to invite some other co-workers I don't really know)

What do you mean by "admin based role"? Do you mean an administrative assistant role? What kind of work are you required to do?


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## itsocietynotyou

You feel vulnerable because they wouldn't think twice about bad-mouthing you out of a job.. It's called a 'sociopath'.. But if telling yourself it's you, and you're just 'sick', than by all means..


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