# Should I just leave him since he's already 'planned' on leaving me?



## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

My boyfriend and I have been together since late June. Well, technically, we got together in February but he broke it off after about 2 months. We became friends with benefits over the summer and I lost it to him, and we got back together afterwards. After being dumped the first time, I still have trust issues with him even though the control dynamics have changed and he's not as much of an "uncaring a**hole" as he was the first time around. However, when we got back together, he Still said "I'm going to end up hurting you, you know. I'm going to leave you in the future. That's just how it is." I b*****ed him out for that one big time and he apologized and said he would take it day by day. He's made many efforts to make me happy and be the nice guy, not bringing up leaving at all, but I still hate the fact that I keep thinking he's still that same dude that's going to end up leaving me again. Because that's what he said. I mean wtf haha.

Anyway, now I feel like I'll never be able to truly be comfortable with him because of how much he's shown that he might not care about me. He takes me out every weekend and sees me almost every day at college and does all the cute boyfriend sh** that he's supposed to do. But I keep thinking to myself, if he's going to end up leaving Again, why did I even sign up for this when he stated a long time ago that he doesn't care enough to be serious. I've talked to him about it and he apologized for saying it and said he wants to "be around me" and thinks we have a "decent thing going on". But I want more than just a "decent thing" goddamnit. I really like him, and I'm not sure if he's just terrible at expressing his feelings in words or if I'm just a temp girl to him.

So, should I just leave him and find someone equally as amazing that won't "know" he's going to hurt me ahead of time?

Any thoughts on this overly long rant would be appreciated.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

He sounds very immature, and an *******. I'd leave.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

You're 18 so you shouldn't want this relationship to last forever. My advice is to take his approach and just enjoy each other right now knowing that you two don't have a future together. However, if you can't live with that (which is understandable) then you should break up with him and pursue someone who is willing to give you the security that you want. You really hold the power here so do what is best for you.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

I may be pessimistic but I hold a view similar to your boyfriend. If you are lucky, only one relationship in your entire life will NOT end. You can pretty much assume all your relationships will fall apart at one point or another. I routinely start sentences when I'm talking to my boyfriend with "When we break up...". I don't see why this an offensive view to some people - it's certianly realistic.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

huh, guess I'm alone in thinking it's a dickish thing to say. whatever, I hate everything right now.


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## MaxPower (May 1, 2012)

A dick thing to say. I would save him the trouble and dump him myself.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I'd stick with it but keep your eye out for something better.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

Confront him about it. If you dont get the right answer, then leave.


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

If someone told me they were going to do anything to me that would hurt me doesn't matter what it is, punch me in the mouth, break up with me eventually, I've always had a "get them before they get me" rule.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

He sounds like a jerk. You should tell him your concerns though and if he still holds the view that eventually he will hurt you, then you should break if off.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

You could easily find someone to take this guys place that would actually add a spark of romance.

I can't think of anything less romantic than, "Heyyyyy, I'm gonna break up with you one day probably", or whatever it is that he's getting at. He probably just finds you attractive, so he's doing nice things for you to keep the sex going.

A douche bag that takes you out to dinner, and buys you anniversary gifts is still a douche bag.


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm going to confront him (yet again) this weekend and hopefully get a straight answer... even though when I don't it's probably not going to change anything haha. I wish breaking up with incredible people was easy.


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## elvin jones (Dec 12, 2011)

Some people just have that pull. You can't explain it and even hate yourself for falling under their spell. Particularly if the highs are really good they almost make up for the crushing lows. At the end of the day you have to decide if it is worth it, sounds like you are willing to put up with his nonsense. Hard to say what should you do. 

The logical thing to do is to break it off but relationships are never logical.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Sounds like a complete butt hole to me. And no offence intended but he seems to have worked out the minimum level of niceness to keep you sweet and locked in to what is essentially a 'halfway house' relationship limbo. You deserve better.



Canucklehead said:


> I can't think of anything less romantic than, "Heyyyyy, I'm gonna break up with you one day probably", or whatever it is that he's getting at. He probably just finds you attractive, *so he's doing nice things for you to keep the sex going.*
> 
> A douche bag that takes you out to dinner, and buys you anniversary gifts is still a douche bag.


This as well. The 'I'm going to end up hurting you' bull sounds to me like he's getting a pang to his conscious every once in a while about the situation - but regardless it's way to sweet a deal for him to stop it.


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## AriesTrying (Mar 19, 2009)

> Sounds like a complete butt hole to me. And no offence intended but he seems to have worked out the minimum level of niceness to keep you sweet and locked in to what is essentially a 'halfway house' relationship limbo. You deserve better.


Totally.

I'm sorry to say that I think he told you that he'd leave you early on so that he can have a guilt-free conscience when he finally does do it. I can't imagine going into a relationship with someone who tells me that. (Unless I'm 100% okay with the fact that it's a relationship that lasts for as long as _he_ would want it to. But if you think you'll be hurt by a breakup, just end it now. He doesn't sound serious, or very caring. I do believe that people can change, but personally I believe that it takes years of determined hard work and self-reflection to do so. Do you think he's really all that different a person from the first time you were together?

You deserve better.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Canucklehead said:


> * He probably just finds you attractive, so he's doing nice things for you to keep the sex going.
> 
> A douche bag that takes you out to dinner, and buys you anniversary gifts is still a douche bag.*


Yes!!! I love that one. +1 trillion.


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Welll, I talked to him and basically put it all out on the table, saying that if I was just a temp girlfriend/not important to him I didn't want to do this anymore. He then proceeded to bring me my favorite food and swore that he's just terrible with words and that I mean a lot to him. Well, he convinced me enough for me to keep this going. xD I don't think I'll ever know what he really thinks, but eh. Case closed I suppose, for now.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

sorrwel said:


> Welll, I talked to him and basically put it all out on the table, saying that if I was just a temp girlfriend/not important to him I didn't want to do this anymore. He then proceeded to bring me my favorite food and swore that he's just terrible with words and that I mean a lot to him. Well, he convinced me enough for me to keep this going. xD I don't think I'll ever know what he really thinks, but eh. Case closed I suppose, for now.


Hmmmmmm....

That was incredibly nice of him. I'd keep vigilant though, it might be a ploy.

Tell him you want to take a break from sex, for like 1 month. See what he does.


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Canucklehead said:


> Tell him you want to take a break from sex, for like 1 month. See what he does.


Lol will do. That'll have to take some good acting but I'm curious as to what he'll say.


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## Lonelygirl1986 (Sep 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound right it sounds inconsitant to me. I would never go near anyone who was that flippant. I am always weary of the people who put on dating sites they only want to date and not long term. "Looking to date but nothing serious", what is that all about? To me you date someone to hopefully marry them at the end. 

He might be using you for sex, I dated a guy once after a few dates I saw him perving on my body, he didn't like cuddling either. Then he said there wasn't enough feelings going on after.


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## deltarain8 (Sep 26, 2012)

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

deltarain8 said:


> "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou


Those are incredibly wise words.

It's so hard to be sure of what's real and what isn't though. At some point you might just be guessing, which is probably all the more reason to move on.


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

He does not sound like a nice guy.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Jeez, makes me wonder why you posted a thread if you're doing your own thing anyway. And it sounds like you're happy to milk the sitaution just as much as he is being honest here - resulting in you now having this mexican standoff kind of deal where both parties waits to see who screws the other person first. Not a particularly healthy relationship dynamic.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

deltarain8 said:


> "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou


Ya this.



Canucklehead said:


> Those are incredibly wise words.
> 
> *It's so hard to be sure of what's real and what isn't though*. At some point you might just be guessing, which is probably all the more reason to move on.


Life is like the matrix, but with considerably less bullet time. :b


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Paper Samurai said:


> Jeez, makes me wonder why you posted a thread if you're doing your own thing anyway.


I wanted to get other people's opinions on it. :/ I value other people's opinions and I do take them into consideration. If I was doing 'my own thing', I probably wouldn't have even confronted him anyway. This thread has given me a lot to think about, but I'm not going to base Everything off of it.

And I don't personally feel like I'm milking the situation. I'm not trying to get free stuff and I'm not trying to make him worship me or something, I just want him to confirm that he's changed his mind about everything, and he's given me hope that he has.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Well I'm glad things are patched up right now. 

I see both views on this. On one hand, why date someone who's thinking ahead to the break up. On the other, it's true, hopefully only one relationship will not end in your life. I suppose the only truly off-putting aspect of this is he's declared this rather early on in the relationship. Call me crazy but the beginning should be full of cartoon hearts around your heads.  He may just be an incredibly realistic person which is interesting if he does all the typical boyfriend-y things. It doesn't really matter though. If you're happy with him and he treats you well, then I'd go with it. It's all in the interpretation I guess (and how he explained it).


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

sorrwel said:


> I wanted to get other people's opinions on it. :/ I value other people's opinions and I do take them into consideration. If I was doing 'my own thing', I probably wouldn't have even confronted him anyway. This thread has given me a lot to think about, but I'm not going to base Everything off of it.
> 
> And I don't personally feel like I'm milking the situation. I'm not trying to get free stuff and I'm not trying to make him worship me or something, I just want him to confirm that he's changed his mind about everything, and he's given me hope that he has.


I think I should have re-worded my original response a little more subtly looking back - but my opinion hasn't changed. A little context - I know two other girls who are in the same situation, and this thread just got to me. End of the day though, the choice is completely up to you, but that being said the relationship sounds about as healthy as drinking the piss of a radio-active walrus with aids.

There's been a power shift - with you now having more control - but I can't imagne that this won't change as some point, and then he'll just revert to being that douche nozzle that he was at the beginning.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

If you can't trust what is the point?


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Sorry if I sounded defensive, Paper Samurai. I think you do bring up some good points. I know that the logical thing would be to cut this relationship loose, but the emotions won't let me do that at this point. I have gotten some good insight from this thread though.

Thanks seafolly  And canucklehead, deltarain, and everyone else who's posted in this thread. This sounds really stupid but I have no idea how to quote multiple people at the same time, so I can't respond to more than one post at once. xD


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## elvin jones (Dec 12, 2011)

People just don't understand. Life is never simple and to the point like that. Obviously the logical thing would be to leave but like I said before relationships are rarely logical. Once you become emotionally invested things get muddled and complicated. 

I would tell you that you deserve better but you already know that. You just have to live everyday using the best judgement you can and hopefully you won't regret it later on. Sometimes no decision ever seems like the right one, especially if you tend to grieve over past mistakes like I do over and over again. Many sleepless nights later I still haven't figured out a way to follow my own advice.


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