# I feel evil



## melonyellow (Apr 17, 2017)

I have a problem with extreme obsessive thoughts. It's pretty much the root of all of my problems. I spend most days trying to get work done, but I'm so paralyzed by intrusive thoughts that I can't focus. I hate when people ask me what I've been up to....I don't want to tell them "oh you know, just staring at my wall and worrying." I've been stuck in my head ever since I was a kid. I used to have a lot of interests in art, music, movies, video games etc. but I feel as if they are all being replaced with my narcissistic thoughts and obsession with other people. I spend a lot of time thinking about what makes people tick. My mind wants to have a ****in philosophical conversation with me 24/7 but I just want to shut it off and enjoy things... I'm bad at talking to people because I don't know what to say...It feels like everyone is so excited and enthusiastic about everything. The only thing I am truly enthusiastic about is music, but I don't know anyone else who is as open to and adamant at discovering music as I am...I have like a catalog in my brain of all of my favorite albums organized by year, from 1960 onwards. The only other people who I meet who are like this are old record collector dudes, never any women though. Trying to listen to every historically significant album ever made sounds more like a male trait. because of this I always thought that I may have aspergers but none of my psychologists diagnosed me as so. I understand emotions and social cues too well to be autistic. 

Anyway lately I feel super weird and cold and evil. I feel like a weird demon creature with no empathy. I just wish I could be a normal, kind, hardworking girl....I feel like my personality and inner self doesn't match my appearance. I'm an above average attractive woman, and I get a lot of attention from guys. however Im afraid that they'll find out how evil and soulless i am. I'm like spock but just sucky lol. I feel like I might possibly be a narcissistic sociopathth but I am not sure and it scares me. I use people to get what I want and I don't know how to stop it. I'm really good at pretending to be outgoing and kind but Its just a facade. idk I feel really creepy and like my true presence is....uncanny. 

Honestly I do have a lot of creative thoughts and funny ideas. I wish I could translate them into art somehow but I have such a hard time DOINg it. can't do anything because of my ruined brain. I waste so much time and by the end of every day I feel guilty for making no progress. time goes by too fast


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

I dont exactly know what you mean by intrusive thoughts, but i get two kinds of intrusive thoughts. My ocd causes me to get really horrible thoughts. And my mind for some reason is always trying to have a sort of a philosophical discussion(like you said) with me all the time. I cant even rest, my whole life my mind is trying to figure something out, trying to sort out why i feel this way, why i dont have this/that, why i missed out on this/that, what i am worth, who i am, etc. And i just spend all day, every day thinking about it.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Being psychologically masculine doesn't necessarily mean you have high functioning autism, but from what I've read women are often underdiagnosed with autism because they're better able to mask certain symptoms and blend in socially. So you might want to look into that further.

You might also want to look into OCD, the mentally organising music and other things you mentioned could be related (but depends if you feel a strong obsessive/compulsive element when doing that and if it's a problem for you really.) And intrusive thoughts are often linked to OCD.



> I feel like I might possibly be a narcissistic sociopathth but I am not sure and it scares me. I use people to get what I want and I don't know how to stop it. I'm really good at pretending to be outgoing and kind but Its just a facade. idk I feel really creepy and like my true presence is....uncanny.


In what way do you use people? Do you ever feel bad about that?


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

I think I'm mildly Aspergery; I've been to two psychiatrists and 5 psychologists... no one ever raised it. One of the psychiatrists actually assessed me and wrote a report on me but again, didn't mention it and I imagine he's trained to spot that (poorly though, imo). I actually told my last psychologist that I think I am slightly autistic but she just looked at me quizzically and never pressed it. 

I've had too many social issues spanning my whole life, before SA even set in for it to be nothing. Some of my behaviour from when I was younger puzzles me or makes me cringe now. I think in many ways I was quite stunted and eccentric, emotionally and socially. So yeah, basically I'm convinced I'm slightly Autistic and it put me at risk of developing SA, but professionals are terrible at spotting it if you can present as socially normal at least superficially. If they really got to know me, they'd probably start to notice it more.


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## melonyellow (Apr 17, 2017)

hmm I wrote this when I was in a weird mood. I started smoking weed more regularly as a way to help my anxiety but I noticed I have a bad reaction to it. It makes me feel psychotic and intensifies my self loathing. It didn't use to make me feel this way, only after I experienced trauma : (



Persephone The Dread said:


> Being psychologically masculine doesn't necessarily mean you have high functioning autism, but from what I've read women are often underdiagnosed with autism because they're better able to mask certain symptoms and blend in socially. So you might want to look into that further.
> 
> You might also want to look into OCD, the mentally organising music and other things you mentioned could be related (but depends if you feel a strong obsessive/compulsive element when doing that and if it's a problem for you really.) And intrusive thoughts are often linked to OCD.
> 
> In what way do you use people? Do you ever feel bad about that?


Yeah I've heard about autism being harder to spot in women. It's a possiblity, I've always been a bit off ; P

I know I have ocd for sure, in the form of obsessive thoughts about my life and problems. I'm obsessed with striving to be perfect, but it always backfires horribly lol. I spend hours in front of the mirror trying to make my appearance just right, and it makes me late to work pretty much every day. my manager and coworkers let it slide though because they like me. lol its so wrong.

and yes I am obsessed with organizing things that are special to me, like my cds and records. I check every day to make sure that my record collection is alphabetical,and that the spines of my cds are organized in perfect rainbow order. lol! Organizing things by color is sooo relaxing to me *__* I consider that an example of using my ocd for good.

ok, I don't truly believe that I am a sociopath. I guess that I am just paranoid that other people think I am. Sometimes I feel like I don't have empathy but I think its just my anxiety taking over. I use people but It's not too horrible I don't think.. I pretended to be friends with the wife of a married man that I dated, just to get closer to him. I also use my mom a lot for money and stuff. I have a few ppl that I'm friends with just because they have job connections... idk I guess that's a common thing with a lot of scumbags today. I really want to change though because I really do love having meaningful relationships and caring for others. yeah when I wrote that I was just having a bad day haha


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

If it scares you, that's good.

If it doesn't, that's another story.


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

millenniumman75 said:


> If it scares you, that's good.
> 
> If it doesn't, that's another story.


I don't feel like that's something you should say to people.


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## melonyellow (Apr 17, 2017)

hahahahaha yeah that's not always true


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

senkora said:


> I don't feel like that's something you should say to people.


Actually, it's true.

Some of the thoughts cause panic for the sake of self-scaring.

If the thought of evil is comforting, that is a professional help issue.


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## Typhoid Mary (Apr 28, 2017)

melonyellow said:


> Anyway lately I feel super weird and cold and evil. I feel like a weird demon creature with no empathy. I just wish I could be a normal, kind, hardworking girl....I feel like my personality and inner self doesn't match my appearance.
> 
> I'm like spock but just sucky lol. I feel like I might possibly be a narcissistic sociopathth but I am not sure and it scares me. I use people to get what I want and I don't know how to stop it. I'm really good at pretending to be outgoing and kind but Its just a facade. idk I feel really creepy and like my true presence is....uncanny.


Have you considered you have schizoid personality disorder? A lot of what you're saying here sounds like it.

I'm in the same boat and have often referred to myself as Mr. Spock. I'm cold and emotionless, yet still capable of feeling at time. I find joy in nothing. And I have this strange disconnect between who I am on the outside vs. who I am on the inside. The person I'm presenting to the world is fake. It's a role I play to protect myself from the bullies of the world.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder


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