# men (~25-3 years old) would you date a girl with a child? and when should she tell?



## lea2702 (Nov 15, 2013)

Hi!

just wondered if you guys would consider dating a girl with a child?!
And if you would want her to tell you right away or wait until you've had a chance to get to know her better?!

In my case: I am 25 and have a 7 year old daughter. The only guy I have asked this so far was my friends boyfriend and he said that I shouldn't tell the guy until he has had a chance to get to know me. But that kind of feels wrong. On the other hand telling him right away could scare him off. I don't have anyone particular on my mind right now, I've just been wondering about this for a long time and thought maybe you guys could help me out.

I'd be thankful for explanations in the comments, whether you chose "yes" or "no". And any other tips, of course 

Thanks!!

Lea


----------



## Alone75 (Jul 29, 2013)

Plenty of guys would go out with single mothers, you should try a dating site like POF if you're struggling for dates. I'd have no problem dating someone with a child, but they usually reject me anyway.


----------



## nothing else (Oct 27, 2013)

Probably not. Usually kids need a good role model in their life and being a social retard like myself I wouldn't be. Also you usually need to be very extroverted and silly around kids which is the complete opposite of me. Further, I hate kids. They're annoying.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

unfortunate typo in the title.


----------



## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm not sure this is the best forum to ask this question. A lot of people here are single virgins who have never been in a relationship or have no experience. To a lot of them, it's probably too much to be with someone who has experience and a child when they have none. There are plenty of men who would be open to dating a single mom but probably not from this category of people. There are tons of single dads or guys who are out there who would probably love to date someone with a similar situation as theirs. Or confident people who are comfortable enough in their skin to be able to adjust to your situation in a healthy way.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

In the dating game, the idea is to hide or downplay your 'negatives' while placing more emphasis on your 'positives'.

Is your daughter a 'negative' in your life, or is she a 'positive'?

Be up front about it.


----------



## masterridley (Jan 20, 2007)

Like diamondheart said, you REALLY are on the wrong forum for that sort of question!

I'd hazard a guess that 1/4 of the men on say POF would not mind, seeing as your daughter is not that old (images of changing diapers pass before my eyes O.O)

Maybe you could search on okcupid, see how people have answered that question there.


----------



## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

Compatibility takes precedence in my opinion, dating a girl with a kid isn't ideal in my current situation, but if I like her then that's what I really care about. In fact there's a girl who's in the early stages of pregnancy right now and I'm planning to ask her out as soon as I decide to quit being lazy and a pansy.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

If you're on a dating site, don't go on and on about it in your profile. Just leave it at, _"I have a daughter."_

It's so annoying when people go on about it... _"My kid does this, my kid does that, I love my kid so much, my kid is my everything..."_ Click... NEXT!!!!


----------



## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

A lot of mothers tend to make their children their new identity.



Just Lurking said:


> If you're on a dating site, don't go on and on about it in your profile. Just leave it at, _"I have a daughter."_
> 
> It's so annoying when people go on about it... _"My kid does this, my kid does that, I love my kid so much, my kid is my everything..."_ Click... NEXT!!!!


This


----------



## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Leeroy Jenkins said:


> A lot of mothers tend to make their children their new identity.


This. :yes


----------



## ChangeInProgress (Apr 23, 2012)

I say wait. Simply for the daughters sake. Idk how successful your dating life is but you don't want multiple guys coming in and out of your daughters life. Especially if she becomes attached to these guys at a young age. Thats how young girls end up with daddy issues. 

O course there's different factors. Does your daughter live with you or the father? Is the father even in her life?


----------



## ASB20 (Jun 5, 2013)

Nah. If the child ain't mine, I wouldn't feel comfortable that he/she would ever really accept me as a real parent. I know sometimes that works in cases, but I'd rather hedge my bets and go out with someone single.

Of course, considering I've never had a girlfriend, I'm one to talk...


----------



## chefdave (Dec 16, 2013)

It's an additional complication that a lot of guys may difficult to adjust to. Also if the child is young the single parent is going to be spending a lot of time focusing on them rather than their relationship, this could lead to tension if the childless partner feels that he's being neglected.


----------



## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

I'd imagine the older guys would be more likely to be okay with it (30+).

As a 25 year old male with no dating exp, the prospect of becoming an instant father figure is kinda scary. Even if I look at the people I went to high school with, the people I work with (around my age), I cannot see them becoming a father figure to a 7 year old.


----------



## Puppet Master (Jan 1, 2012)

I wouldn't because it wouldn't go anywhere and I know it but I'd want to know right away. The fact is I just wouldn't want to waste her time or my own knowing how I am.


----------



## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

Part of it comes down to the father of the child & his role in their/your life, there could be a conflict of interest there for sure.

A couple years ago I went on a few dates with a single mother & had the time of my life before it fizzled out but I never met her kid so I can't really respond directly to that. She was upfront about it early on though & that was part of the attraction to her, that directness about everything. I was surprised but I said I would go with the flow & see what happens.

It's not a dealbreaker but a lot of guys(including myself) aren't exactly kid enthusiasts. Honesty counts for a lot but feel out the for a good moment to mention it


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

Leeroy Jenkins said:


> A lot of mothers tend to make their children their new identity.


Yeah, a lot of fathers do, too. Like myself. Being a dad is not something I just identify with once in a while, it's part of who I am...it's a huge part of my identity. I'm a dad, before anything else. It's not some passing phase...my kids are 13, 11 and 11 now.

Anyways, I wouldn't have a problem with it, and in a lot of ways I'd actually prefer it. I'm surprised at how many people there are out there that hate kids. Sooo, her having a kid would (I hope) mean that she loves kids. I absolutely love kids, I have almost no anxiety around them ever. When I'm around them I tend to become a big kid myself.

I think it should be said as early as possible. Usually when I'm getting to know someone it's one of the first things I always mention. Just because it's such a big part of who I am.


----------



## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

I've dated a single mom before and I'd be open to it again if we have a lot of other things in common and get along really well.

The toughest part of dating someone with a child isn't the sporadic schedule she may have or having to need approval from a kid, depending on the kid's age; it's always what's the situation with the father of the baby? That needs to be reeeeaaaally clear and super honest coming from her.

Is he supporting the kid? Is he still around physically? Is there shared custody? Do you two get along? Are there still feelings there? The one I dated ended up going back and leaving her baby's daddy several times because she couldn't help herself. She kept telling me how bad of a person he was, but apparently she likes the drama too much or something and likes bad boys that aren't good for her.


----------



## anomnomnom (May 28, 2013)

I wouldn't but thats because I don't want kids, so for me I'd want to know very early on before I had strong feelings for her.

But then I seem to be in the minority for disliking kids so my opinion probably means little, but thats just my perspective, I mean if really liked her and wanted to take the relationship further to then find she had a kid I'd feel a bit trapped! 

I'm sure plenty of guys wouldn't have an issue with it however!


----------



## lea2702 (Nov 15, 2013)

thanks for all the honest answers!

I realize now, that this wasn`t really the best place to ask. It`s just the only forum I`m active on and feel confident enough to ask such a question.

Of course being a mom is a big part of who I am! I haven`t really had a date for a long time... Her father hasn`t been a part of her or my life for six years now. There`s no shared custody and he`s not interested in her at all. That`s a whole different problem by itself, because I can tell that she misses a father figure sometimes and asks why he isn`t around or why we broke up in the first place. There are absolutely no feelings towards him on my side. No love, no hate. I`m happy with the situation and so is she most of the time!

If I did have a date, I wouldn`t expect him to jump in as a father figure right away and I wouldn`t let just any man get to know her until I thought the relationship was going somewhere. My question was more in the direction of just letting him know. And of course my daughter is a positive part of my life and I feel I`m a better person because of her! But I`m not just a mom either. It`s hard to describe, but I think I would want him to know fairly soon because it is a part of the person he is getting to know.

I just wanted to know, if it would be to soon to tell him let`s say on the first or second date. Or if I should wait until I know that it could develop into a serious relationship. On the one hand, I don`t want to lie and keep it a secret. But on the other hand I`m scared that men (especially since I am so young) would be scared off if I told them too soon!

I also love being around children! Most of the time there is absolutely no anxiety when I`m around them and I just have fun without thinking about it. Plus, being a mom has made me go out and socialize with other people (especially other moms) a lot for my daughters sake and that has definitely helped my SA a lot!


----------



## mrbeansuperman (Nov 30, 2013)

I would if she had a good job and could support herself and her kid. I'm not looking to be anyone's wallet. And you should definitely reveal it as soon as possible because a lot of guys may not want to take on such responsibility, I'm sure you don't want to waste your own time either by getting to know and fall for someone and then have them up and leave.


----------



## Motionless Sway (May 30, 2011)

Yeah, knowing right away is important. It's something I look at on dating site profiles, it's a huge part of someone's life and better to not waste anyone's time. If someone doesn't want to date you right away for having a child, then they likely aren't the one anyway. You should date someone who willingly dates you already knowing you have a kid.


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

You should tell him before you plan on having sex with him.


----------



## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

Unless I am liked by the children and the mother doesn't ask for money then no.


----------



## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

nothing else said:


> . Also you usually need to be very extroverted and silly around kids which is the complete opposite of me. Further, I hate kids. They're annoying.


Being shy and quiet probably would make the kid dislike you and then the mother would probably decide to call it quits because the kid disapproves of your personality.

Kids that aren't yours are annoying. If you have your own kids you'll find nature has a biological trick up it's sleeve to make you think you love them even when they are annoying the hell out of you.


----------



## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

mrbeansuperman said:


> I would if she had a good job and could support herself and her kid. I'm not looking to be anyone's wallet.


This :yes. Last thing you want is to get stuck with someone who lives off handouts from the system and father and realizes she can now save her money for going out with her friends while using your money for the essentials.


----------



## soulless (Dec 18, 2010)

I would, and have before, dated women with children. I think it would be best to be open about the fact that you have offspring from the start otherwise it could make some men concerned that you might be hiding other important things. Anyone who is "scared off" at the beginning probably would be the same if you get to know them better first, while hiding a major part of your life from them, and would then have been a waste of your time which could have been spent getting to know someone more worthwhile.


----------



## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

Being 38 most girls I meet ( from time to time ) usually do have a child or two or three I don't mind so long as i don't have to deal with them . And there would be no way I'd ever live under the same roof unless they are older and more adult than child . I do like to know straight away and ages as that would change the relationship and my time . 
Just me though as I don't really want kids but 15+ is old enough to look after them selves .


----------



## Durzo (Jun 4, 2011)

I said no I wouldn't, and wait to tell him.

The reason for this is I have no job, no means to help an already existing family, I am not ready to be a father or even close. I would just be an awful fit as I want to go travelling too. 

I feel many men wouldn't mind dating a woman with a child, however on this website the majority will say no because they have their own mental issues to deal with and are relatively young on average.


----------



## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

I was in a situation with a woman who had joint custody of her son. It was a six month rotation deal, I first got involved during the off time. If I recollect she did disclose this much with me when we first hung out. 

I wasn't really encouraged to assume any particular role. I was more regarded as third wheel or the 'family friend' in that situation. I was validated as much as anyone which made the situation livable. And that I ended up liking the kid. 

The reasons for not seeing this person anymore had very little to do with the kid. I would have been plenty accommodating as everyone seemed to be plenty accommodating for me. 

I notice it's not always the case with potential stepdad situations. Obviously if the situation doesn't feel good, I won't go through with it.

So no, I wouldn't really readily be deterred because you have a child.


----------



## DanCan (Jul 29, 2009)

I would want to know up front. Or at least bring it up on the first date. If I was better off financially, and I thought she was raising her kids right, I'd be all for it. I'd like kids. And then I'd get to skip the diaper phase- well depending how old the kids are


----------



## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

i would never date someone who already had a child unless their previous spouse is dead. sorry not dealing with ex-wives and all that ****


----------



## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

prettyful said:


> i would never date someone who already had a child unless their previous spouse is dead. sorry not dealing with ex-wives and all that ****


Forgot to include about my situation that the ex spouse lived out of state and was completely out of the picture.. I think this helped a lot..


----------



## Lacking Serotonin (Nov 18, 2012)

I've dated a few women with children.


----------



## lea2702 (Nov 15, 2013)

I`m curious as to the voters who said I should wait. Why do you think so?

The more I think about it, the more I tend to telling "him" right away. I haven`t dated in a long time and I think I was just scared that guys would be scared off by it and that would not help my SA and would demotivate me from dating anymore. But if I do date, I want the guy to know me and be ok with every part of my life! Otherwise the relationship might not be what I`m looking for!

I`ve taken care of my daughter and myself financially for the past seven years, so that is not my reason for wanting to date. I`m just really ready to have a man in my life again and I don`t think that is a bad thing.


----------



## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

When I was around 24 I did date a single mother with 2 kids (few years older than me), I knew she had kids right from day 1 (Met her online). The experience was all new to me at the time.

At first I was really nervous about meeting her kids. I used to go to hers when they were asleep and left really early in the morning. When I met them though it was ok. Her son was quite a decent lad, I occasionally kicked a football around with him outside. Her daughter though.... pfft.... Little sh!t springs to mind. Always crying to get her own way and hated me (She even said so) because when her mum said no, I didn't try to get her mum to change her mind (It's hardly my place to say).

It ended because deep down I didn't want to bring up someone else's kids. Yeah there were other factors like when me, her and her friend went out 1 night. I was p!ssed off because her and her friend both went to the toilet in this club... A girly chat I thought. I was sat on my own for nearly 2 hours looking like an idiot though. When they came back I found out the reason they took so long was because her mate was sniffing drugs in the toilet and she was looking out to make sure nobody was about. I was fuming and swiftly left the club (After, it was made out to be all my fault)... Oops... a bit off topic there.

But yeah, I have been with someone with kids, didn't really like it and so would never get with anyone who has kids again.

Plus I think you should tell them from the start


----------



## CowGoMoo (Apr 14, 2013)

I'm 18 and I totally would but I am from Latin America and it's totally normal in my culture. in fact it's kinda hot haha. Here in NC though single moms are seen as a bad thing


----------



## loophole (Apr 15, 2012)

Not a bad thing but kinda hot? That's pretty immature for people to think that... a kid has some form of trauma to him her and it's hot...


----------



## CowGoMoo (Apr 14, 2013)

loophole said:


> Not a bad thing but kinda hot? That's pretty immature for people to think that... a kid has some form of trauma to him her and it's hot...


Whatever quit trying to twist my words. I meant a woman so independent is hot. Raising a child alone is sexy. And you don't know if the kid is traumatized. My parents divorced when I was young and I didn't even care. My dad was a drunk abuser anyways, good riddance


----------



## CowGoMoo (Apr 14, 2013)

lea2702 said:


> I`m curious as to the voters who said I should wait. Why do you think so?
> 
> The more I think about it, the more I tend to telling "him" right away. I haven`t dated in a long time and I think I was just scared that guys would be scared off by it and that would not help my SA and would demotivate me from dating anymore. But if I do date, I want the guy to know me and be ok with every part of my life! Otherwise the relationship might not be what I`m looking for!
> 
> I`ve taken care of my daughter and myself financially for the past seven years, so that is not my reason for wanting to date. I`m just really ready to have a man in my life again and I don`t think that is a bad thing.


Don't wait, why would you wait? He'll either be cool with it or not. Obviously it isn't the first thing you'd say but it should be said early on


----------



## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

If you want an honest opinion OP, then I would say the majority of men in their twenties would not be interested. Someone in this thread mentioned something along the lines of 'confident people who are comfortable in their own skin wouldn't mind' - that is pure wishful thinking I'm afraid. I would aim for someone older (30+) because they are more likely to be settled down and willing to look after a child. Good luck.


----------



## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

Paper Samurai said:


> If you want an honest opinion OP, then I would say the majority of men in their twenties would not be interested. Someone in this thread mentioned something along the lines of 'confident people who are comfortable in their own skin wouldn't mind' - that is pure wishful thinking I'm afraid. I would aim for someone older (30+) because they are more likely to be settled down and willing to look after a child. Good luck.


I'm not really the type that keeps up to date on friends' dating or indeed friends of friends' dating, so my knowledge is a bit restricted. But I do know of some guys who have entered into relationships with women who had kids and were really happy there.
But I think it probably is also true that men generally are older than women before they feel ready for having children to take care of.

For me, it's not a question of being willing to settle down or of being ok taking care of a child that wasn't my own.
I really don't think I could handle having a kid to be responsible for and take care of, so I'm sad to say that it would matter for me.
But still, I think it's best to be fairly open about it and not try to hide it.
I'm not sure it's a better tactic to wait with telling until they have invested themselves some and then springing the information on them, both from a decency point of view and just from what would be most successful.


----------



## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Milco said:


> I'm not really the type that keeps up to date on friends' dating or indeed friends of friends' dating, so my knowledge is a bit restricted. But I do know of some guys who have entered into relationships with women who had kids and were really happy there.
> But I think it probably is also true that men generally are older than women before they feel ready for having children to take care of.
> 
> For me, it's not a question of being willing to settle down or of being ok taking care of a child that wasn't my own.
> ...


Yeah definitely; it's kind of like saying 'surprise I have aids !' after you're been dating someone for a while :b It's just something you have to be up front about. *

Personally, I don't think I would be good enough mentally/emotionally to look after a kid either right now. But that's not a bad thing, there does seem to be a underlying idea that to refuse a relationship with a single parent is somehow shallow or mean spirited - I look at it as being both rational and responsible. If you don't think you'd cut it as a parent then why put yourself in a situation where your lack of ability could potentially mess up some poor kid's life.

*this is hyperbole before anyone gets too pissed off.


----------



## scooby (Jun 24, 2009)

I would prefer not to. I don't want to feel the pressure of having to get another person to like me, on top of the person I am dating. Two people to disappoint is harder to deal with than just one.


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I tend to think it's important for people who are interested in forming relationships of any kind to be as honest and upfront as they possibly can. Which is to say that I would personally prefer to be told right off the bat. At least in an ideal world, that's how things would work. 

People being what they are, honesty might not always be best. At least not right off the bat. Unfortunately, people DO prejudge and jump to conclusions and they're often wrong. And let's face it. A date is like a job interview. Even if you're the greatest person in the world for the job, one bad move in the interview is usually enough to make a terrible first impression.


----------



## loophole (Apr 15, 2012)

CowGoMoo said:


> Whatever quit trying to twist my words. I meant a woman so independent is hot. Raising a child alone is sexy. And you don't know if the kid is traumatized. My parents divorced when I was young and I didn't even care. My dad was a drunk abuser anyways, good riddance


U just proved my whole point to the t. Your whole perception is skewed.. because you yourself are affected by your "drunk" father.....just to mention it proves that to be true.. and you can tell being a fatherless child you lack maturity and have a boyish tone to yourself. and now divorce and fatherless kids is hot to you?. That's unfortunate you think that way.


----------



## loophole (Apr 15, 2012)

To be an independent woman with a child. And be strong deserves respect but in no way should it be a turn on.... The situation was a tragedy. ...


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

loophole said:


> To be an independent woman with a child. And be strong deserves respect but in no way should it be a turn on.... The situation was a *tragedy*. ...


What an exaggeration...


----------



## loophole (Apr 15, 2012)

Persephone The Dread said:


> What an exaggeration...


That's unfortunately the tone of the world today and why it is slowly crumbling.... sin. And no I never said I'm exempt


----------



## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Nope. It would make me wonder 'What kind of woman is she if she makes lifestyle choices to end up a single mother?'

and even before people say: 'What if she married an abusive douchebag?'

Sorry, you still chose the mate.

Not meaning to offend you or anyone personally. Everyone has their circumstances.

Plus, I want to invest in my own biological children. Not someone elses. Don't want to feel like a cuckold etc.

Just wouldn't be a go for me.


----------



## straightarrows (Jun 18, 2010)

What that guy told is the right thing! 

=========
In my case I'll not date a mother!,, nothing wrong with it but I'm not in a good mood!


----------



## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

low said:


> Nope. It would make me wonder 'What kind of woman is she if she makes lifestyle choices to end up a single mother?'
> 
> and even before people say: 'What if she married an abusive douchebag?'
> 
> Sorry, you still chose the mate.


While parents in western countries usually have chosen it when they have children, people can't always foresee the exact consequences it'll have or know the commitment their partner is actually willing to give.
So ending up a single mother is not really a consequence of a lifestyle choice.
Having children can change things dramatically for many people and can put strain on a relationship, where even people who have been happily together for 10+ years and both thought they'd spend their life together suddenly can't make things work and end up splitting up.

Being a single parent (of either gender) doesn't really say anything about that person, but it does of course give some practical considerations.
If the person is sweet, kind and lovely to be around, it's rather judgemental to hold it against them that they're a single parent.


----------

