# Why do we want relationships so badly?



## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

Anybody ever wish they could just turn off their desire for a mate? It's hard enough as it is for non SA sufferers...it seems pointless at times.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

It's just who we are as human beings. We need another person to share our love and happiness with. After all, what good is a life lived alone? It's simply the way we're made, I'm afraid. I wish I could just turn it off too...but that seems wrong, somehow. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who isn't fit to be one.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

I think it's just a human desire to love and be loved and have someone to share your life, and everything, with.

Even though I'm having no luck in that department right now, I wouldn't want to turn it off.


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## glarmph (May 21, 2009)

an on/off switch would be nice. would have shut it off years ago.


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## veryalone (Aug 26, 2009)

I recently developed a relationship with a girl...my first and it is truly an amazing experience. Snuggling with her, talking for hours, etc etc. I wouldn't trade it for the world.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

veryalone said:


> I recently developed a relationship with a girl...my first and it is truly an amazing experience. Snuggling with her, talking for hours, etc etc. I wouldn't trade it for the world.


I had one before...he really hurt me in the end and O haven't had on since. Met a great guy who seems to be ignoring me now, so I just am beginning to think it's not meant for me to have someone. I don't want the desire cus it tends to be torture to me.


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## Tau Sin (Sep 20, 2009)

illlaymedown said:


> I had one before...he really hurt me in the end and O haven't had on since. Met a great guy who seems to be ignoring me now, so I just am beginning to think it's not meant for me to have someone. I don't want the desire cus it tends to be torture to me.


It just means it's time to move on, there isn't a lack of young healthy males after all mate.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

Tau Sin said:


> It just means it's time to move on, there isn't a lack of young healthy males after all mate.


I'd agree with that...except it isn't an isolated matter. This has happened with the last 4ish guys I've liked. I don't like guys very easily, so it's just tough. Plus my family isn't really a family so I'm not sure how to handle other people accurately. It's really hard to live my life.


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## drealm (Jul 7, 2009)

We're slaves to evolution.

And quite frankly I've never seen such an incompetent production line for a species.

I seriously wonder how I've single handedly managed to stop the entire blood line for my family after many generations.

This is me throwing a wrench in the machine.

I opt out of the game.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

People need people and we need validation, especially from a mate that we are worthy of their time and that person can stand you for more than 5 minutes. Don't get discouraged because of about 4 guys??? maybe just weren't for you. I understand that if the environment you are in isn't conducive to helping you find someone it can be an issue. There are many people that are in the same rut, myself included. I think we just put more pressure on ourselves really in this area because of our SA issues.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

We need to feel desired, loved, and secure.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

We have to be in a place to handle it as well, not just the other person.
Our relationships can reflect how we are at the time, too.

As I improve, my relationships improve.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

People....people who neeeeed peeeeeple.....

as painful as it can be sometimes, I wouldn't trade the thrill of meeting someone for anything, not even my broadband. 

'specially if they're pretty.


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## rincewind (Sep 7, 2009)

SADuser said:


> I wish I could turn the switch off, but life would be pointless without it


I'd be more than willing to turn it off as long as I could turn it back on whenever I wanted!


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

even if I was single, there would be the dream of someone. I just wouldn't be able to let it go. Even if i didn't want it. 

I'm just a conundrum, even to myself.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I like this thread.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

listenjusting said:


> I always enjoyed the desire to be in a relationship, it made me develop crushes which gave me motivation to do things and cross paths with that person.
> I wish I could turn it on again.


^This.

I have the opposite problem. I have flings and I date people but I can never sustain the interest in the person and I get bored and apathetic very quickly. I wouldn't mind trying a real relationship but I just don't seem to have it in me to make the effort. Sad, eh?


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## TATA (Sep 18, 2008)

Because our genes want to be spread lol


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## Saqq (Dec 1, 2008)

I think it would cure my SA/AVPD to be honest


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

for sex :boogie


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Saqq said:


> I think it would cure my SA/AVPD to be honest


Coming from experience, I highly doubt that would happen.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

Well it's a tad bit harder to explain since I'm on mobile internet and have to text everything out and am limited to a certain amount of letters...The 4 guys were spread out across a certain time and when I like someone I put my attention on him usually, plus I barely ever meet people I like. I'm picky. I have a friend who has never had a bf and has absolutely no desire to ever have one...I just don't get it :/ I'd like to be that way sometimes...my life is probably never gonna be any big great thing considering I lack what a lot of other people have, so I really don't see the point of having this pointless desire that takes me off track of the things I need to focus on and pretty much ends up causing me more pain in the end. I can be positive about so many things in facing my SA, but this area is just a loss for me it seems. As most of you guys probably, I've been single the majority of my life...you'd think I'd just get used to it by now


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

I guess your not at the point where people around you are having relationships/getting married and finding someone, and you are still single. That's when the pressure really starts. I can totally get being picky, sure you wanna find someone but you don't wanna settle just to fill the void of not having someone. It's one thing if you are not in the right mental state to pursue a relationship, it's a more serious issue if you are adamant in not having one ever. It just takes finding that person, that totally get you. Sure it can get painful in the search, but it's better to try than to sit on the side and get more depressed about the whole thing.


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## pariahgirl (Mar 26, 2008)

Probably because relationships can be the most fufilling and/or frustrating thing. Either way never dull.


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

It's a wonderful feeling to be needed by someone. I'm not saying that I've been in a relationship because I never have, but there was a girl in the past who wanted me. It was a wonderful feeling while it lasted.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

nubly said:


> for sex :boogie


I know it sounds horrible or whatever but I often wonder if this is all it comes down to for me.

But I think again and there is a part of me that would just like to have somebody to share experienes with, but on the other hand it is not something I will ever depend on i.e not essential.I only depend on myself.

I think it has a lot to do with building your own self esteem and living life your own way. Be true to yourself.

Intriguing thread.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

I've pretty much given up on this whole thing called "relationships" and now plan to resort to "no strings attached". I've met a guy on the web who is fifteen years older than me. He is a virgin too. He's interested in me, and we've exchanged pictures; he actually finds me tolerable! He can take whatever he wants, however he wants. I have no room to be picky.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I've pretty much given up on this whole thing called "relationships" and now plan to resort to "no strings attached". I've met a guy on the web who is fifteen years older than me. He is a virgin too. He's interested in me, and we've exchanged pictures; he actually finds me tolerable! He can take whatever he wants, however he wants. I have no room to be picky.


I think you should think that over carefully. Very carefully.

Anyways, like other people have said, I'm just starting to think that it's not for me. It's like everyone else has relationships and ****, it's on TV, you see it in public, but I'm not part of that. It's like a "glass ceiling" type thing. I've considered giving up on relationships entirely and just look for strictly physical stuff, like DitzyDreamer said, but just recently I've started to change my mind. Now I'm thinking that I'd rather die a virgin than do that stuff with someone who meant nothing to me.


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## ecotec83 (Sep 7, 2009)

I don't think i'd want to turn it off but i'm glad lexapro has kind of muted the urge to be in a relationship. Now i don't feel so depressed about being single, i still have the desire but it is not driving me insane anymore.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I've pretty much given up on this whole thing called "relationships" and now plan to resort to "no strings attached". I've met a guy on the web who is fifteen years older than me. He is a virgin too. He's interested in me, and we've exchanged pictures; he actually finds me tolerable! He can take whatever he wants, however he wants. I have no room to be picky.


I hope you don't mean what I think you mean...if you have no room to be picky does that mean you don't value yourself enough to be picky? Even with my SA I know my worth. It may make it even that much harder to find someone, but why would I want someone in my life who doesn't value me anyway...I'd rather be alone and a virgin for the rest of my days than to give myself to someone just to have someone.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

illlaymedown said:


> I hope you don't mean what I think you mean...if you have no room to be picky does that mean you don't value yourself enough to be picky? Even with my SA I know my worth. It may make it even that much harder to find someone, but why would I want someone in my life who doesn't value me anyway...I'd rather be alone and a virgin for the rest of my days than to give myself to someone just to have someone.


Well said. :yes


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## GermanHermit (Sep 6, 2008)

I can't remember actually having a "desire" for relationships.

When I was in my 20's I kind of felt like I was missing out on something on that sector, but it wasn't and still is no "desire". Maybe I am too distracted with trying to manage my life.

I think the more inferior people feel the more they expect salvation and support from a relationship.


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## forever_dreamer (Jul 8, 2008)

TATA said:


> Because our genes want to be spread lol


Yeah that's part of it lol. I also want someone to hug, kiss, be intimate with but not just the intimacy part. I want someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, and be patient with me and who won't pressure me into anything.

Ugh I'm pathetic today lol


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

Witan said:


> I think you should think that over carefully. Very carefully.
> 
> Anyways, like other people have said, I'm just starting to think that it's not for me. It's like everyone else has relationships and ****, it's on TV, you see it in public, but I'm not part of that. It's like a "glass ceiling" type thing. I've considered giving up on relationships entirely and just look for strictly physical stuff, like DitzyDreamer said, but just recently I've started to change my mind. Now I'm thinking that I'd rather die a virgin than do that stuff with someone who meant nothing to me.


And that's all good. If you are fine with being alone/lonely for the rest of your life, then that is your prerogative. However, that is not for me.

I have thought about it carefully. The guy is nice albeit extremely busy. He's on the same level as me in terms of sexual experience, though he is fifteen years older than me. We share a few common interests and personality traits, and we are on the same page as to what we want out of this relationship. So what's it going to be; lonely ugly virgin with no lover or a satisfied ugly non-virgin with a lover?


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> I hope you don't mean what I think you mean...if you have no room to be picky does that mean you don't value yourself enough to be picky? Even with my SA I know my worth. It may make it even that much harder to find someone, but why would I want someone in my life who doesn't value me anyway...I'd rather be alone and a virgin for the rest of my days than to give myself to someone just to have someone.


I respect your opinion, but I disagree with it. I have so many disadvantages, including my ethnicity, that I would have some nerve to have high standards when I myself am not the "standard" or high on the totem pole.

People need to realize where and how they fit in the heiarchial (sp) society of dating and to not think too highly of themselves or to reach "out of their league." It sounds harsh, but think about this way: Would a rich, handsome man who looks like [insert hot male celebrity] really be interested in the poor 500 pound woman with no job and six kids?

It isn't so much as not 'valuing' myself as it is knowing where I stand in the 'line up' of things. The sooner one faces reality, the more progressive he or she can be.


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## Tangent (Jul 1, 2009)

Because deep-down, we're all masochists who like nothing better than to put ourselves through constant mental and emotional torture over stupid fantasies.

This is why I am not a member of the "Optimists Anonymous" group.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I respect your opinion, but I disagree with it. I have so many disadvantages, including my ethnicity, that I would have some nerve to have high standards when I myself am not the "standard" or high on the totem pole.
> 
> People need to realize where and how they fit in the heiarchial (sp) society of dating and to not think too highly of themselves or to reach "out of their league." It sounds harsh, but think about this way: Would a rich, handsome man who looks like [insert hot male celebrity] really be interested in the poor 500 pound woman with no job and six kids?
> 
> It isn't so much as not 'valuing' myself as it is knowing where I stand in the 'line up' of things. The sooner one faces reality, the more progressive he or she can be.


I can see where you're coming from, definitely.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I respect your opinion, but I disagree with it. I have so many disadvantages, including my ethnicity, that I would have some nerve to have high standards when I myself am not the "standard" or high on the totem pole.
> 
> People need to realize where and how they fit in the heiarchial (sp) society of dating and to not think too highly of themselves or to reach "out of their league." It sounds harsh, but think about this way: Would a rich, handsome man who looks like [insert hot male celebrity] really be interested in the poor 500 pound woman with no job and six kids?
> 
> It isn't so much as not 'valuing' myself as it is knowing where I stand in the 'line up' of things. The sooner one faces reality, the more progressive he or she can be.


I think you mis-understood what I meant. When I originally said I was picky, although I want to be with someone I'm attracted to, I didn't necessarily mean looks. I meant I want what fits me best. Not something that just fills the void for a while. Society's list of attractive people are way different than mine. I don't even think Brad Pitt looks that great. What I mean is, I want a person who best fits me in all regards and that doesn't mean he has to be attractive to anyone else, but me. I am kinda a rebel when it comes to what the world thinks is good. I am Kira, not the world. If this guy is someone you have genuine interest in and fits you intellectually, romantically, spiritually, emotionally, etc then I say go for it, but the way you worded your previous statement was that it sounded like you were "settling" cus you think you can't do "better". If that's not what you meant, then it was just a misunderstanding, but if so, I stand by my previous view. As long as they fit you, whether or not they fit in other people's view should be the standard of what picky means imo.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> I think you mis-understood what I meant. When I originally said I was picky, although I want to be with someone I'm attracted to, I didn't necessarily mean looks. I meant I want what fits me best. Not something that just fills the void for a while. Society's list of attractive people are way different than mine. I don't even think Brad Pitt looks that great. What I mean is, I want a person who best fits me in all regards and that doesn't mean he has to be attractive to anyone else, but me. I am kinda a rebel when it comes to what the world thinks is good. I am Kira, not the world. If this guy is someone you have genuine interest in and fits you intellectually, romantically, spiritually, emotionally, etc then I say go for it, but the way you worded your previous statement was that it sounded like you were "settling" cus you think you can't do "better". If that's not what you meant, then it was just a misunderstanding, but if so, I stand by my previous view. As long as they fit you, whether or not they fit in other people's view should be the standard of what picky means imo.


I wasn't necesarily talking about looks either, but looks are the most obvious. I was also encompassing personality, socio-economic status, compatibility, and most importantly (and in my case), *the quality of the relationship*. In the eyes of society, some people are not good enough or important enough for a REAL, intimate, loving relationship and have to settle for one that lacks all those things. Some have to settle for a platonic relationship while others a purely sexual one. I being who I am and what I am obviously can't get someone to be intimately (not sexually, there's a difference) and romantically involved or interested in me, therefore, I must settle for a purely sexual one, one that lacks love or intimacy. But to me, that is better than nothing at all.

It's great that you can rebel against the world, but you can't rebel against human nature (i.e. sex and desire for intimacy)...unless you are asexual.

And from our web convos, he seems to be a nice guy. Not necesarily a good intimate fit, but good enough for sex and frustration release.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> And that's all good. If you are fine with being alone/lonely for the rest of your life, then that is your prerogative. However, that is not for me.
> 
> I have thought about it carefully. The guy is nice albeit extremely busy. He's on the same level as me in terms of sexual experience, though he is fifteen years older than me. We share a few common interests and personality traits, and we are on the same page as to what we want out of this relationship. So what's it going to be; lonely ugly virgin with no lover or a satisfied ugly non-virgin with a lover?


1.) I don't think that a meaningless relationship is any better than not having a relationship.

2.) I don't consider myself to be ugly.


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## brokensaint (Aug 27, 2009)

Um, how's "**** yes" for an answer. I'm so sick of waking up alone, in my bed.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I wasn't necesarily talking about looks either, but looks are the most obvious. I was also encompassing personality, socio-economic status, compatibility, and most importantly (and in my case), *the quality of the relationship*. In the eyes of society, some people are not good enough or important enough for a REAL, intimate, loving relationship and have to settle for one that lacks all those things. Some have to settle for a platonic relationship while others a purely sexual one. I being who I am and what I am obviously can't get someone to be intimately (not sexually, there's a difference) and romantically involved or interested in me, therefore, I must settle for a purely sexual one, one that lacks love or intimacy. But to me, that is better than nothing at all.
> 
> It's great that you can rebel against the world, but you can't rebel against human nature (i.e. sex and desire for intimacy)...unless you are asexual.
> 
> And from our web convos, he seems to be a nice guy. Not necesarily a good intimate fit, but good enough for sex and frustration release.


There r about 6.5 billion people in the world. The majority of babies born each year r born male. That means, even if only 1% of the population were able 2 be a compatible match with u, u still have a staggering number of compatible matches. Ur view sounds more cynical& depressed rather than factual& I can understand, I've been there. Sometimes I think I'll never find someone who I can connect with, when in all actually, no matter what society thinks, u cannot expect every1 2 follow societal standards, so rationally speaking there has 2 be somebody u could have a real connection with. SA is also irrational, so it'd make sense we'd have irrational cynical views in things that are affected by our SA. I do desire sex&intimacy, but I can wait(& I have my whole life), it just sucks 2 wait, when it seems ur chances r bleek. I've also had a relationship be4, it was nice, but not right&was the worst pain I ever had when ended


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

Witan said:


> 1.) I don't think that a meaningless relationship is any better than not having a relationship.
> 
> 2.) I don't consider myself to be ugly.


I think she was calling herself ugly, not you :/
The only problem I'm really having with Ditzydreamer's statement is that it is like you know how everyone thinks, how the future will be and it's so definate and final sounding. Sure your SA, depression, physical looks, spiritual views, emotional handicaps so on and so forth might make it harder to find someone you can connect with on all levels, but you can't tell me you seriously believe that there is an absolute that there is not one single person who can, will want to, and will share a meaningful, intimate, relationship with you. It's just not rational to believe that. You can do whatever with this guy, it's your life, but to believe nobody can "fit" well with you or accept you out of the countless diverse people in the world doesn't make sense.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

Witan said:


> 1.) I don't think that a meaningless relationship is any better than not having a relationship.
> 
> 2.) I don't consider myself to be ugly.


1. Depends on your definitely on "meaningless." What may be meaningless to one person may be extremely important to another.

2. I wasn't calling you ugly.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> There r about 6.5 billion people in the world. The majority of babies born each year r born male. That means, even if only 1% of the population were able 2 be a compatible match with u, u still have a staggering number of compatible matches. Ur view sounds more cynical& depressed rather than factual& I can understand, I've been there. Sometimes I think I'll never find someone who I can connect with, when in all actually, no matter what society thinks, u cannot expect every1 2 follow societal standards, so rationally speaking there has 2 be somebody u could have a real connection with. SA is also irrational, so it'd make sense we'd have irrational cynical views in things that are affected by our SA. I do desire sex&intimacy, but I can wait(& I have my whole life), it just sucks 2 wait, when it seems ur chances r bleek. I've also had a relationship be4, it was nice, but not right&was the worst pain I ever had when ended


As Breakfast said, there are more women than men in the U.S., and in my ethnicity, after factoring all the interracial relationships and incarcerated men, women FAR outnumber the men and many women of my ethnicity, in fact, more than SEVENTY percent, do not get married. And on top of that, women of my ethnicity are the LEAST desired group of women...the media reflects this OH so well.

I don't think I'm being "cynical" at all. In fact, I'm being rather progressive, moreso than anyone else on this board who would rather sit around and be lonely for the rest of their life then get up and do something about it. It may sound "cynical" and "depressing" but life is a ***** and so are the cold-hard facts.

You can be like the rest and sit around hoping that one day you'll meet the "perfect guy" that is 100% compatible with you, or you can go out and try to find a decent guy who may not be 100% compatible with you, but you can still enjoying hanging out with.

But we'll have to agree to disagree.


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## Tau Sin (Sep 20, 2009)

This is what I say to die-hard genetics geeks.

"Genes do NOT equal destiny."

But neither do "facts"


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

After reading one of those lists made by girls about how they want to be treated in a relationship, I can't believe the fact that I'm not in one. I'm talking about comforting them when they're down, tell them they're beautiful, be honest with her, pay for dinner when going out on a date, etc. I think these are obvious things that guys need to do to maintain a healthy relationship, yet it seems that there are plenty of guys out there who don't do these and are still in relationships. It just doesn't make any sense. The bottom line is, I can do so much better than those guys out there, so how am I not in a relationship?


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> *As Breakfast said, there are more women than men in the U.S., and in my ethnicity, after factoring all the interracial relationships and incarcerated men, women FAR outnumber the men and many women of my ethnicity, in fact, more than SEVENTY percent, do not get married. And on top of that, women of my ethnicity are the LEAST desired group of women...the media reflects this OH so well.*
> 
> I don't think I'm being "cynical" at all. In fact, I'm being rather progressive, moreso than anyone else on this board who would rather sit around and be lonely for the rest of their life then get up and do something about it. It may sound "cynical" and "depressing" but life is a ***** and so are the cold-hard facts.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with that, also. It's hard finding a guy who wants anything meaningful.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> I think she was calling herself ugly, not you :/
> The only problem I'm really having with Ditzydreamer's statement is that it is like you know how everyone thinks, how the future will be and it's so definate and final sounding. Sure your SA, depression, physical looks, spiritual views, emotional handicaps so on and so forth might make it harder to find someone you can connect with on all levels, but you can't tell me you seriously believe that there is an absolute that there is not one single person who can, will want to, and will share a meaningful, intimate, relationship with you. It's just not rational to believe that. You can do whatever with this guy, it's your life, but to believe nobody can "fit" well with you or accept you out of the countless diverse people in the world doesn't make sense.


Yes. I know what is going to happen to me in the future IF I sit around and whine about being a lonely, ugly virgin...NOTHING.

The problem alot of SA people have is this: They sit around hoping that one day they'll make friends or they'll meet that "special someone" (or in some cases, a "lover") and that they'll be cured of SA. But what they fail to realize is that in order for all this to happen, one must make an EFFORT to do so and must not be unrealistic about their wants and desires. So, contrary to your opinion, this is VERY rational thinking.

I thought that by coming to this site I would gain MORE support and less criticism for other people. I thought people would be happy for me, happy that I found a decent guy who is interested in me and finds me attractive, happy that I AM trying to make the effort to get what I want out of life. Now I've realized that some people here on this site are just SO negative to the point they are not willing to encourage or support others in their pursuit of happiness.

And that saddens me. It also saddens me to see the "have it all or nothing" mentality on this board. What is wrong with having something but not it be everything? The relationship may end up being sexual or something more (but I HAVE to take the risk, right?), but if it is a give AND take relationship (the one me and 'this guy' are both interested in) and we are both satisfied, then that is, imo, better than NOTHING at all.

So to all those with SA, I realize that it is hard, excrutiatingly hard to find connections or friends or some sort of contentment...I'm on the same boat in many ways. But if you REALLY want things to change, you've got to get out there and go for it!


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

Iced Soul said:


> I have to agree with that, also. It's hard finding a guy who wants anything meaningful.


I would go as far to say that a good majority of people (men AND women), at least in the Western world, are not into serious, monogamous relationships.


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## KyleThomas (Jul 1, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I've pretty much given up on this whole thing called "relationships" and now plan to resort to "no strings attached". I've met a guy on the web who is fifteen years older than me. He is a virgin too. He's interested in me, and we've exchanged pictures; he actually finds me tolerable! He can take whatever he wants, however he wants. I have no room to be picky.


Congratulations!

Given the critical shortage of heterosexual, non-incarcerated men in the world, you've done very well to find one. 

"He actually finds me tolerable!" - Wow...he sounds like a real smooth talker. Watch yourself around his silver tongue.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

KyleThomas said:


> Congratulations!
> 
> Given the critical shortage of heterosexual, non-incarcerated men in the world, you've done very well to find one.
> 
> "He actually finds me tolerable!" - Wow...he sounds like a real smooth talker. Watch yourself around his silver tongue.


Look if you have a problem with me, PM me. Don't act like an antagonistic brat or you'll be ignored or reported.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> I thought that by coming to this site I would gain MORE support and less criticism for other people. I thought people would be happy for me, happy that I found a decent guy who is interested in me and finds me attractive, happy that I AM trying to make the effort to get what I want out of life. Now I've realized that some people here on this site are just SO negative to the point they are not willing to encourage or support others in their pursuit of happiness.
> 
> And that saddens me. It also saddens me to see the "have it all or nothing" mentality on this board. What is wrong with having something but not it be everything? The relationship may end up being sexual or something more (but I HAVE to take the risk, right?), but if it is a give AND take relationship (the one me and 'this guy' are both interested in) and we are both satisfied, then that is, imo, better than NOTHING at all


Ok..once again..I said the problem I had w/ur theory was the finality of it. U sound as though ur saying that u can never ever in no way find some1 who fits w/u. I never said I wanted some1 perfect, just some1 who fits well w/me, my problem lies n the finality of ur words, not ur relationship w/this guy(do whatever makes u happy). In actuality, I do face my SA, but I don't do so w/devaluing my own worth. Meaning, not saying ur wrong 4 whatever u want w/this guy, but u saying u have absolutely NO right 2 be picky whatsoever is just untrue. Just because something's hard doesn't make it impossible. And yes, I'd rather live my whole life out with no one than give my time/affection/body/etc. to someone who means nothing to me and that's just my choice, that in no way affects what u choose to do, frankly u have to live w/whatever u choose, so do what u want...I sincerely hope it makes u happy, but I'll never believe, no matter how hard it is, that you cannot find some1 at all that fits w/u ever.[I'm on mobile so forgive the word shortening and such  ]


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

JMX said:


> After reading one of those lists made by girls about how they want to be treated in a relationship, I can't believe the fact that I'm not in one. I'm talking about comforting them when they're down, tell them they're beautiful, be honest with her, pay for dinner when going out on a date, etc. I think these are obvious things that guys need to do to maintain a healthy relationship, yet it seems that there are plenty of guys out there who don't do these and are still in relationships. It just doesn't make any sense. The bottom line is, I can do so much better than those guys out there, so how am I not in a relationship?


What people say means nothing. I actually read somewhere that some linguists hypothesize that human language evolved, not so we could communicate, but rather so we could better deceive each other.

Evidence for that is all around.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

For companionship, the cuddle aspect, to be held and hugged. Loved that aspect of a relationship. If only there werent the misunderstandings and the stresses that go along with that, then I would really want a relationship.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> As Breakfast said, there are more women than men in the U.S., and in my ethnicity, after factoring all the interracial relationships and incarcerated men, women FAR outnumber the men and many women of my ethnicity, in fact, more than SEVENTY percent, do not get married. And on top of that, women of my ethnicity are the LEAST desired group of women...the media reflects this OH so well.
> 
> I don't think I'm being "cynical" at all. In fact, I'm being rather progressive, moreso than anyone else on this board who would rather sit around and be lonely for the rest of their life then get up and do something about it. It may sound "cynical" and "depressing" but life is a ***** and so are the cold-hard facts.
> 
> You can be like the rest and sit around hoping that one day you'll meet the "perfect guy" that is 100% compatible with you, or you can go out and try to find a decent guy who may not be 100% compatible with you, but you can still enjoying hanging out with


I don't mind hanging out with dudes, but the dudes that I hang out with I don't want or feel any intimate pull towards them. What is your ethnicity is you don't mind me asking? It sounds like you're trying to make yourself out to be some crazy scary ogre...your definition of yourself/ethnicity sounds quite a bit harsh to me. Even with whatever facts there are, the truth still remains that it is not hopeless to find someone who fits with who you are and even a 1% chance is ebough for me. It may not be for you and that's for you to decide. I still know that I have a right to be picky to some degree. It seems like you are saying that you let society take that right from you and that's what I'm having trouble with, again I don't care what you have with this guy you're talking to, but I still don't believe he's the best you can get. Especially from the way you describe the situation. If you could get this guy, then why is it so far-fetched to say you can get another guy?


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## KyleThomas (Jul 1, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> Look if you have a problem with me, PM me. Don't act like an antagonistic brat or you'll be ignored or reported.


Well, I guess I kind of asked for that. 

I don't have a problem with you, Miss Dreamer. And I'm happy that you've met this guy. Seriously. You just have such a strange (to me) outlook on things, and you always seem to twist things round to a negative point of view. Like with this guy. He must like you. Why not just accept that he likes you (and maybe that your extremely negative opinion of yourself might just be wrong) rather than looking at it that he finds you "tolerable". I'm sure he finds you much more than tolerable.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> Ok..once again..I said the problem I had w/ur theory was the finality of it. U sound as though ur saying that u can never ever in no way find some1 who fits w/u.


It is true, and I've accepted this.



> I never said I wanted some1 perfect, just some1 who fits well w/me, my problem lies n the finality of ur words, not ur relationship w/this guy(do whatever makes u happy). In actuality, I do face my SA, but I don't do so w/devaluing my own worth.


It isn't about devaluation so much as knowing your worth. I know my worth, and I'm learning how to work with and improve what I have.



> Meaning, not saying ur wrong 4 whatever u want w/this guy, but u saying u have absolutely NO right 2 be picky whatsoever is just untrue.


Based on my worth, I don't have a right to be picky. You may, but I don't, and it's all good.

And I'm not sure what your aspirations are, but I want children. I would love to be married and have children, but to have children period would make me so happy.



> Just because something's hard doesn't make it impossible. And yes, I'd rather live my whole life out with no one than give my time/affection/body/etc. to someone who means nothing to me and that's just my choice, that in no way affects what u choose to do, frankly u have to live w/whatever u choose, so do what u want...I sincerely hope it makes u happy, but I'll never believe, no matter how hard it is, that you cannot find some1 at all that fits w/u ever.[I'm on mobile so forgive the word shortening and such  ]


And again, more power to you for wanting to stick it out! You're a strong woman, stronger than I am, and I hope you do find that special guy who suits you.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

JMX said:


> After reading one of those lists made by girls about how they want to be treated in a relationship, I can't believe the fact that I'm not in one. I'm talking about comforting them when they're down, tell them they're beautiful, be honest with her, pay for dinner when going out on a date, etc. I think these are obvious things that guys need to do to maintain a healthy relationship, yet it seems that there are plenty of guys out there who don't do these and are still in relationships. It just doesn't make any sense. The bottom line is, I can do so much better than those guys out there, so how am I not in a relationship?


I think it's because women think emotionally and men are more logically pulled...so once a girl developes an emotional bond with a guy it tends to pull her towards him over the logical aspect of whether or not the relationship is good for her. That's why girls stay with dudes who cheat on them and all sorts of stuff quite often, not always, but often. We want to be treated right, so it's not a "lie", but we still have emotions to deal with. That's also why you get many girls wishing the guy will change. They do wat the good things, but their emotions pull them to the "bad" guy. Note:this doesn't mean all girls, or that this is the case for every relationship. Also, how are you going about starting a rlationship? That could be part of the reason.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> I don't mind hanging out with dudes, but the dudes that I hang out with I don't want or feel any intimate pull towards them. What is your ethnicity is you don't mind me asking? It sounds like you're trying to make yourself out to be some crazy scary ogre...your definition of yourself/ethnicity sounds quite a bit harsh to me.


Well here it goes. I'm black/African-American, and in the dating realm, it is particularly hard for an African-American/black woman to get a guy. VERY hard. Black men are very much attracted to women outside their ethnicity moreso than women inside their ethnic group, and most non-black men won't give a black woman a chance for fear of what society will think or just because they don't find African-American/black women to be attractive.

And it is even doubly harder if you are a college-educated black woman on top of having aspirations of law school. Ten times harder. You can't expect to find a black man who will have the same amount of education, let alone interests that you have. And the black man that does meet those qualifications will most likely be interested in a non-black woman.

I don't say this to be a party pooper or to down my ethnicity, but that is my reality.



> Even with whatever facts there are, the truth still remains that it is not hopeless to find someone who fits with who you are and even a 1% chance is ebough for me. It may not be for you and that's for you to decide. I still know that I have a right to be picky to some degree.


And you do. YOU do. Unfortunately for me, I will have to improvise.



> It seems like you are saying that you let society take that right from you and that's what I'm having trouble with, again I don't care what you have with this guy you're talking to, but I still don't believe he's the best you can get. Especially from the way you describe the situation. If you could get this guy, then why is it so far-fetched to say you can get another guy?


Oh this guy is great. He is going on to get his PhD, he runs a charity, and he seems to be a nice, considerate guy. Couldn't have done better even if I wanted to.


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

illlaymedown said:


> I think it's because women think emotionally and men are more logically pulled...so once a girl developes an emotional bond with a guy it tends to pull her towards him over the logical aspect of whether or not the relationship is good for her. That's why girls stay with dudes who cheat on them and all sorts of stuff quite often, not always, but often. We want to be treated right, so it's not a "lie", but we still have emotions to deal with. That's also why you get many girls wishing the guy will change. They do wat the good things, but their emotions pull them to the "bad" guy. Note:this doesn't mean all girls, or that this is the case for every relationship. Also, how are you going about starting a rlationship? That could be part of the reason.


To be honest you've lost me. Maybe I have everything misunderstood about relationships because I've never been in one. To me it always seems like it's nearly impossible to start one, but pretty easy to maintain it.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

JMX said:


> To me it always seems like it's nearly impossible to start one, but pretty easy to maintain it.


I think you've got it backwards there.


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## TATA (Sep 18, 2008)

forever_dreamer said:


> Yeah that's part of it lol. I also want someone to hug, kiss, be intimate with but not just the intimacy part. I want someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, and be patient with me and who won't pressure me into anything.
> 
> Ugh I'm pathetic today lol


Yeah I wanted all that too... but got something I didn't bargain for. I think he my DH makes my anxiety worse, because of all the stress I'm under because of him in the last four years


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

shadowmask said:


> I think you've got it backwards there.


Like I said, I don't really know much about relationships.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Naw, he doesn't have it backwards ..starting any difficult task / journey is at least as hard, if not harder than maintaining it.

Its like, motivating oneslf to gym and exercise. Starting is tough, because you're body is not in shape, every work-out you do is agonizing, and the slow results are discouraging .. but then afterwards, it becomes routine.

Same can be said for writing a song, doing a painting, or writing a story ..many artists say the hardest part is starting, and once you have started .. your mind gets into this rythm and the ideas keep flowing.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

JMX said:


> To be honest you've lost me. Maybe I have everything misunderstood about relationships because I've never been in one. To me it always seems like it's nearly impossible to start one, but pretty easy to maintain it.


:lol sorry, in essence I mean that girls think mainly with their emotions and how they feel. Guys think more in terms of logic. So when they(girls)say they want those things you mentioned, they do, but if they have developed an emotinal bond with someone that means more to them than how they are "treated" for the most part. It's not the case with every girl, but a lot of the time it is. There are other reasons too, but that might help you understand better. I've had one bf before and he wasn't right for me, but I stayed with him because I "loved" or had an emotional pull to/with him. Looking back on it, it caused me a ton of unnecessary pain, but what can ya do. Relationships are hard to start as well to maintain.


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## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

KyleThomas said:


> Well, I guess I kind of asked for that.
> 
> I don't have a problem with you, Miss Dreamer. And I'm happy that you've met this guy. Seriously. You just have such a strange (to me) outlook on things, and you always seem to twist things round to a negative point of view. Like with this guy. He must like you. Why not just accept that he likes you (and maybe that your extremely negative opinion of yourself might just be wrong) rather than looking at it that he finds you "tolerable". I'm sure he finds you much more than tolerable.


agreed :yes


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Life seems a bit pointless to me if there is no on to share it with. While we may be just fulfilling some strange master plans of our genes, shutting these desires off may as well be shutting down the desire for life.


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## Procrastinator (Oct 2, 2009)

Breakfast0fChampions said:


> Anyway - I know that I crave romantic relationships and sex because I want _emotional intimacy_. I've never had real emotional intimacy with anyone, _ever_. I'm getting closer to my siblings, but there are still things we can't discuss with each other. And, well, I don't have any friends IRL, so no one to be completely open with there, either.


agree. *sigh*


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

DitzyDreamer said:


> It is true, and I've accepted this.


How old are you? Honestly I think you could find someone who fit more of what you wanted if you took the time. In my case it took years for me to find a bf who fit what I wanted (met him on this forum in fact, its long distance but we're seeing each other again in 2 weeks.) I'm glad I didn't settle and that I waited for someone who had the qualities I was looking for.


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## theJdogg (Sep 18, 2009)

DitzyDreamer said:


> And it is even doubly harder if you are a college-educated black woman on top of having aspirations of law school. Ten times harder. You can't expect to find a black man who will have the same amount of education, let alone interests that you have. And the black man that does meet those qualifications will most likely be interested in a non-black woman.
> .


I'm not African-American, but I think that a "college-educated black woman" is hot. I'm not trying to hook up or anything, i just wanted to let you know to keep trying because not all guys scared of race and educated women.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Maslow's Hierachy of Needs


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## IsolatedAndConfused (Nov 20, 2009)

I can't fight the desire. It's in my DNA. The desire to pair up and mate is undoubtedly something every one of my ancestors had in common. Whether I want to turn off this desire is not so relevant. It is what it is.


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## Saqq (Dec 1, 2008)

because they look so fun and exciting


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## aw3se4dr5 (Jan 4, 2009)

Relationships are pretty worthless.


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## Dane (Jul 27, 2009)

illlaymedown said:


> Anybody ever wish they could just turn off their desire for a mate? It's hard enough as it is for non SA sufferers...it seems pointless at times.


No, I like being attracted to girls; I think its the greatest thing in the world. Even if I never find a mate, I still like dreaming about women, admiring them from a distance, speculating about what "my" girl would look like and whatnot.

Just thinking about romantic love makes me feel good, even if I don't have anyone to share it with.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I don't think I'll ever be able to turn off the urge to get into a relationship, but the desire has dimmed somewhat. I don't see myself actually doing it, for two reasons: A.) I'm not the most good looking guy in the world, and B.) I'm shy, so that makes it hard for me (as a guy, since guys are supposed to do the approaching.)

There's a girl in one of my classes who *might* like me. Will I get with her? Probably not, since I get anxious and have barely said two words to her. If I can't even carry on a conversation, I don't see how I could actually kiss her and have a relationship with her. I cringe away from hugs.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

WintersTale said:


> I don't think I'll ever be able to turn off the urge to get into a relationship, but the desire has dimmed somewhat. I don't see myself actually doing it, for two reasons:* A.) I'm not the most good looking guy in the world,* and B.) I'm shy, so that makes it hard for me (as a guy, since guys are supposed to do the approaching.)
> 
> There's a girl in one of my classes who *might* like me. Will I get with her? Probably not, since I get anxious and have barely said two words to her. If I can't even carry on a conversation, I don't see how I could actually kiss her and have a relationship with her. I cringe away from hugs.


Hold it right there bud! Have you ever heard of Manuel Uribe? He is the heaviest man in the world...and he got married a couple of years back to a nice looking woman. And he weighed over 1000 lbs!

Do you like the girl? If so, why not take the risk?


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## ostorozhno (Sep 21, 2009)

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. I have -zero- desire to be with anyone and, much to my parents dismay, don't even want to get married and settle down.


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## sash (Nov 16, 2009)

Don't be afraid to get hurt. It's how you will grow. But dont' go looking for love...love will find you. Just be carefree, be yourself, ...make friends along the way (I know this is hard when you have SA). But you will want your mate to be your friend as well. The best romance happens when you are not looking for it. OH and never, ever rush into it. 

Once you find that special someone...it doesn't end there. You'll have to work hard to keep your relationship.


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## sash (Nov 16, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I don't think I'll ever be able to turn off the urge to get into a relationship, but the desire has dimmed somewhat. I don't see myself actually doing it, for two reasons: A.) I'm not the most good looking guy in the world, and B.) I'm shy, so that makes it hard for me (as a guy, since guys are supposed to do the approaching.)
> 
> There's a girl in one of my classes who *might* like me. Will I get with her? Probably not, since I get anxious and have barely said two words to her. If I can't even carry on a conversation, I don't see how I could actually kiss her and have a relationship with her. I cringe away from hugs.


Take the risk...you have nothing to lose but love.


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## Patron on a ship of fools (Nov 17, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I don't think I'll ever be able to turn off the urge to get into a relationship, but the desire has dimmed somewhat. I don't see myself actually doing it, for two reasons: A.) I'm not the most good looking guy in the world, and B.) I'm shy, so that makes it hard for me (as a guy, since guys are supposed to do the approaching.)
> 
> There's a girl in one of my classes who *might* like me. Will I get with her? Probably not, since I get anxious and have barely said two words to her. If I can't even carry on a conversation, *I don't see how I could actually kiss her* and have a relationship with her. I cringe away from hugs.


Oh, how I understand this. There's something terrifying about kissing. I don't think it will ever go away. I've managed to have five sexual relationships of varying seriousness (one that had the potential to turn into a marriage, but ended before it did; one one-night-stand; and three somewhere in between), and in _all five cases_ the first kiss was the most terrifying moment. It's like a very scary roadblock that I have to force myself past before I can proceed.

Once I've had that first kiss with a new girl, I have no discomfort at all about kissing her again. I enjoy it very much, actually. But that first one is terrifying.


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## Patron on a ship of fools (Nov 17, 2009)

Patron on a ship of fools said:


> Oh, how I understand this. There's something terrifying about kissing. I don't think it will ever go away. I've managed to have five sexual relationships of varying seriousness (one that had the potential to turn into a marriage, but ended before it did; one one-night-stand; and three somewhere in between), and in _all five cases_ the first kiss was the most terrifying moment. It's like a very scary roadblock that I have to force myself past before I can proceed.
> 
> Once I've had that first kiss with a new girl, I have no discomfort at all about kissing her again. I enjoy it very much, actually. But that first one is terrifying.


Follow up to this: I've never really enunciated this phenomenon before writing this post, but now that I have, I've been spending the past few hours thinking about it. _Why_ is that first kiss with a new girl so scary? And I think I've figured it out.

The moment of the first kiss -- and no sooner -- is the moment I know _for sure_ if the girl is romantically/sexually interested in me. Before that, I may be picking up hints, but it's possible that I'm misreading them. One way or another, all doubt is removed at the moment of the first kiss.

And since my social anxiety often manifests as both fear of rejection _and_ discomfort with physical intimacy, both possible outcomes involve a certain amount of fear. But one is certainly more desirable than the other.

I think this is worth spending some time thinking about. Perhaps I will.


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