# It's impossible to talk to my mom.



## boorego (Jul 12, 2012)

It feels like there's never a 'right' time to talk to my mom about meaningful issues that we have.

If I bring it an issue I have with her when she's in a good mood (Sane, not going ballistic) she'll laugh it off like I'm just some melodramatic kid who takes stuff out of proportion, or for example if I tell her about something she said/did to me while she was in one of her bad moods then she'll pretend like she has no idea what I'm talking about. She'll claim "she never said that", "I don't remember ever doing that".

If I try to try to bring it up while she's in a bad mood and we're already in a huge verbal war over something else, then that's even more impossible. When she's angry like that, this is no exaggeration, I've learned THE ONLY OPTION available is just to 'ride out the storm'.

Then what's ironic, is she'll ask me why I never talk about my life, or what happened at school, or tell her anything personal.

On the other hand, my mom treats me like her personal Dr.Phil/punching bag, depending on the mood she's in. If she just had an argument with my dad she forces me to listen to her talk for hours, and I'm not allowed to do anything except listen and agree with her.

If, I'm unfortunate enough to have done something to piss her off (however minor) and she just had a fight with my dad, then I'm pretty much her personal punching bag for the next week and a half.

I know this is going to lose me alot of sympathy points, an I'm not being melodramatic. I've genuinely started to hate her. I think I've redirected some of my hate towards her at women/females in general. It's *hard* to hate your mom, it's easy to hate a gender/group of people instead.

You know the general common wisdom, that men bring their issues with their mothers into their marriages/relationships.

I don't have a short fuse by any means. We can have an argument and I'll already forget about it within a day, and have no remaining anger. I just get over things very quickly, which actually bothers me, because a lot of the times I'll want to discuss what happened with her when she's in a good mod but I'll lose all my steam/motivation to be confrontational with her because I've already gotten over the anger and moved on.

My only viable solution is to move out. That would only be possible if I had some friends I could move in with, which I don't.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

My mom is similar.......she's been complaining to me about her problems (most of them being about my dad) since I was little, probably since around 5 that I can remember (as if i was well-equipped to deal w/ that then), but a lot of times in the past when I've had a problem she's been too busy w/ herself to listen/show that she cares or doesn't want to hear it at all, which usually results in an argument.

The times she has "listened," her attention has almost always been divided, so the quality has usually been poor (it gets annoying having to talk to someone who pauses frequently between sentences/points and leaves you hanging so they can concentrate on what's on their TV/computer/whatever). She is just very aggravating.


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## hmweasley (Sep 12, 2013)

I've had similar problems with my mom. I tried for years to talk to her about my social anxiety and was constantly told that I was overreacting. It took a really huge meltdown for me to finally get her to take me seriously. Even know she doesn't really understand because she never wants to talk about it. However, my situation is a bit different from yours: I tell my mom everything. Everything that isn't serious that is. I tell her all of the meaningless things that happen during my day and keep all of the more serious stuff to myself. It's just easier that way.


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## AxeDroid (Jan 11, 2013)

I tried talking to my mother about my problems but all she does is lash out at me or ridicule me for it.


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## firestar (Jun 27, 2009)

Are we related? Because that's _exactly_ how my mother acts.

I've been reading a few books about how to deal with emotionally explosive people and how to hold difficult conversations. I have some hope that maybe if I change the way I interact with her, I can change how she acts. However, since I'm so far away and have very little contact with her I haven't been able to put what I've learned to the test.


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## boorego (Jul 12, 2012)

Well, just to give you guys some specific examples, my mom went ballistic on me today (again) and I decided after she left the house that I'd take some quick, notes listing all the events that occurred. 

I'll be very direct and to point, so not a lot of detail:

-I arrived home early and forgot to pickup my brother from school. She came out of the house screaming and cursing at me when she saw he wasn't in the car with me. I quickly turned the car around and went back to pick him up.

-After getting my brother I arrived home the 2nd time. When I came in the door she was yelling at me. Lots of curse words/expletives. She consistently calls me a moron and makes comparisons between me and my Dad and how we're both idiots

-Then she was yelling at me for leaving a plate in my room (I had been in a rush in the morning and forgot to cleanup my breakfast. Lots of cursing/insults. 

-She went outside and came back in my room in the door and was yelling at the top of her lungs (literally) because I "didn't close the car door". I came outside and saw the door was slightly creaked open, on the passenger side door (Meaning my brother forgot to close his door completely). I told her this, and to my relief she started yelling at my brother and I was given a few seconds of blissful peace to recover while my brother took some of the heat off of me. 

-Apparently, in my panic (My knee's were shaking after she had been screaming at me at the top of her lungs) I had accidentally let the dog outside, in my panic to close the car door earlier. 

-I went outside, to find the dog and bring her in, but then my Mom (yelling from the window of my house) apparently told me the dog was inside but I didn't respond as I didn't hear her say this the first time. She repeated it louder this, adding "you ****ing idiot" as I turned around to acknowledge I heard her, quite unnecessarily. 

-When I said something like "See she was inside the whole time" she gave me the middle finger and said something like "ohh..**** you!". 

-Finally, the whole event ended when she said she was going to go find an apartment to live in by herself and she drove away in her car. She told me to close the gate (to our driveway). I didn't want to be near her as drove out the gate obviously after what just happened, so I didn't stand right by the gate waiting for her drive out it, instead I sat down and waited on the front steps of my porch (about 30 feet away from my gate). She didn't see I was sitting there and thought I was ignoring her, so more screaming and yelling at me.

She always threatens she's going to kick me out or sell the house but she never actually does it. 

-Finally my mom drove off, and I got on the computer to write this. 

This happens probably..every few weeks. It only happens when my parents are fighting. She's otherwise a very lovely person when she isn't fighting with my Dad. But when she is fighting with my Dad, she does turn into a completely different person.

For some reason I become her punching bag when my Dad isn't home, and she'll seize on even the most insignificant detail to act this way towards me. This doesn't happen when they aren't fighting.

It wouldn't be so bad if my brother could occasionally be her punching bag, but it seems like he always locks his door and my mom just leaves him alone.


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## Reclus (Jan 11, 2012)

It sounds like your mother is quite unhappy with her life and enjoys taking it out on those around her. This level of swearing and verbal aggression is not normal, and the fact she is your mother does not excuse it.

I think you should make plans to move out, but do this in your own time, and when you are ready. The worst possible scenario would be to move out, for it not to work (for whatever reason) and then have to move back home again.

Until then, the best policy when she is like that is just avoidance. Don't respond, just get out of her way. Leave the house if you have to. Reminding her of her behaviour afterwards is pointless too. You could take a video and she would still probably deny it.

Best wishes


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## boorego (Jul 12, 2012)

Well, thank you for the your remarkable insight. Most people just immediately tell me to "Just talk to her about it when she's not angry" as if it's that easy. I appreciate your compassion.

To give you an update, things are calmed down now. The other day she picked me up from school and she seemed very calm so I tried to talk to her about what happened the other day (despite your advice not too).

She quickly shut me down and started getting angry. So I pretty much told her what she wanted to hear. I apologized for being so lazy/stupid and causing her life so much pain, and that I would try to be less like my Dad.

That seemed to fix everything. It really hurt though when I realized she didn't feel *any* guilt at all over the way she acted to me, even when she was no longer angry and she has a clear mind.

I'm just relieved that we're no longer fighting, for the time being.


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## hmweasley (Sep 12, 2013)

Jordan H said:


> That seemed to fix everything. It really hurt though when I realized she didn't feel *any* guilt at all over the way she acted to me, even when she was no longer angry and she has a clear mind.


She probably doesn't even realize there's anything to be guilty about. Somehow, people seem to be oblivious to when they're acting like that. It doesn't excuse her behavior by any means of course. I hope things go well for you.


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## Hyperborea (Aug 28, 2011)

Oh have strength Jordan H. It really eats you away when you have to bend to a crazy persons will.

Maybe you should try your brothers tactic and lock the door leaving the crazy ***** bark alone?


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## VeMuñeca (Sep 5, 2013)

Try talking to her about how rude she is being. My mother is sort of like your's. I pointed out her rude behavior and she has become nicer.


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## Jayne311 (Aug 20, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My mom is similar. Sometimes, she's the nicest person to me, and we get along great. But sometimes it's like she's a different person.
For instance, my sister worked late last night, and got home later than she thought. My mom and I wait up for her, so when my mom had to stay up later than she planned, she yelled at my sister for making her lose more sleep. She wasn't mad at me, but she acted angry to me last night and this morning too. It hurts so much because everything I do is for her, and I rarely legitimately do something to make her mad.
She'll complain to me about my dad and say awful things. She'll act angry with me even when I'm the one helping her with stuff. And she'll pout and cry and say dramatic things for attention.
Sometimes I think it would be much easier on me if I moved out, but then I wonder about how she'll get along without me. I also can't leave my sister and my pets here without me to help them and take care of them. 
Thank god she isn't always like that. She rarely is. But when she is, I feel so bad. After a while I'll start to feel guilty even when she isn't mad at me. I'll start to feel bad for things that happened to her before I was even born, or when I was too little to do anything about it.
I'm sorry for this huge post, but this all just happened and I needed to write it out. I'm truly sorry for your family situation. I do understand, and I hope things get better for both of us.


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## ASB20 (Jun 5, 2013)

Jordan H said:


> Well, thank you for the your remarkable insight. Most people just immediately tell me to "Just talk to her about it when she's not angry" as if it's that easy. I appreciate your compassion.
> 
> To give you an update, things are calmed down now. The other day she picked me up from school and she seemed very calm so I tried to talk to her about what happened the other day (despite your advice not too).
> 
> ...


I feel you. You can't reason with people like this. They're controlled entirely by their emotions and see through a narrow lens. There's no logic, no rationality, no empathy, no anything but what they want to see.

The only way I can figure how to deal with them is a two-part strategy of presenting them with what they want to see when you actually have to talk to them...and burning down bridges whenever possible.

Call me antagonistic, but family's only the people you were born into. If they curse at you, yell at you, blame you for things you haven't done, there's no reason you gotta apologize or play nice with them unless you have to for the sake of living (ie, if you can't find a place on your own). If you're unable to find your own place, I sympathize majorly...but if you can move out, I'd certainly do so.

If you have options, it's easier (and in some cases, much more effective for your own sanity and well-being) to practice a scorched-earth policy.

When they want to calm down and act like reasonable people who want an emotional relationship, let them walk over the blackened land to come find you.


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