# So took a girl out without SA ruining it! only one problem



## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

Well, 6 months ago i'd not eaten a public meal in years and was really hampered by not being able to eat in front of people, ever. I took a girl out tonight, driving, so sober, to get some food then go to the cinema, then a couple drinks after. Went well, nice food, no shaking, good conversation.

A real success. If you'd have said i'v have taken a good looking girl out while sober to me six months ago i'd have called it impossible. A really really positive step! 

Now the downside! I've not been with anyone before due to SA sexually. So she asked me to come up to her apartment. Being sober, and having no experience I wasn't prepared for this. I know she may not have wanted to do anything, but I couldn't take the risk, so just said not tonight im going home (cringe). It doesn't help that she's actually really hot. Maybe I should have started with someone uglier lol. 

I am trying to see this as positive in total versus last year, but I am beating myself up about this missed opportunity.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

That's great you overcame your SA issues enough to meet this person and go on the date, and have a good time there.

You should have gone up, if she made a move on you, you could have said you weren't ready and needed to get to know her better. I think most women would respect you more for having the willpower to say no to sex with an attractive woman - I know I wouldn't be able to say no in such a situation.

So, are you getting a second date with her, or did the refusal to go to her place ruin things with her?


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## SmartCar (Nov 27, 2011)

SAUK said:


> Well, 6 months ago i'd not eaten a public meal in years and was really hampered by not being able to eat in front of people, ever. I took a girl out tonight, driving, so sober, to get some food then go to the cinema, then a couple drinks after. Went well, nice food, no shaking, good conversation.
> 
> A real success. If you'd have said i'v have taken a good looking girl out while sober to me six months ago i'd have called it impossible. A really really positive step!
> 
> ...


You should be proud of yourself:smile2: not many people get to do something like that, & I think it was brave of you to stop yourself in terms of going up to her room, & I can understand feeling like, you missed an opportunity, but maybe what you should do is if.. you have her contact information, call her up.. & maybe explain to her, you don't have to mention that it was social anxiety since you don't know her well, but maybe just say you were nervous or something.. some women might be very understanding, if it were me.. I'd make sure that I still had a chance to mend things with someone I was really attracted to.


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## LotusBloom (May 30, 2015)

It is a good thing you didn't go to her apartment or you would've made yourself cringe even more. 
You weren't ready for it. For now.
If you guys like each other there will be many more opportunities to spend together in private. 
It is better this way because setting up more dates will express withstanding interests to see each other.



SAUK said:


> Maybe I should have started with someone uglier lol.


Personally, that is a horrible thing to imply about someone and laugh about.


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## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

No lotus, i agree that wasn't good to say, was just trying to make a joke to make it an easier read, or easier to post for myself maybe. 

Well she asked when she can see me again actually, and text messaged saying thanks had a great night with you when I got home. So not going up didn't seem to ruin everything. Although, repeatedly doing the same, may not go down well!

I appreciate the replies, you are helping me to see that overall this was positive.

In an ideal world two people who are recovering from SA lacking intimate contact should meet, share stories, and 'learn' from each other. That would be the best way forward. Not likely to happen though. Thanks again!


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## UniqueUserName (Aug 12, 2014)

SAUK said:


> Well, 6 months ago i'd not eaten a public meal in years and was really hampered by not being able to eat in front of people, ever. I took a girl out tonight, driving, so sober, to get some food then go to the cinema, then a couple drinks after. Went well, nice food, no shaking, good conversation.
> 
> A real success. If you'd have said i'v have taken a good looking girl out while sober to me six months ago i'd have called it impossible. A really really positive step!
> 
> ...


Good job man, That's a huge step and probably a huge boost in your confidence. I'm the same way with eating around people. The best part is that she invited you home! Don't think of you not going home with her as a missed opportunity, but if you do like her, make sure she knows you're interested. :clap


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## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

Well she is texting me regularly and seems to want to do more. I can't think that I am going to accept any of her offers to come up though, too much expectation on me. The only way for me personally to get round this is if the girl knows. Maybe I should leave this one. I love confident women, but maybe it's not right for me at the minute. Perhaps I could do with someone a bit more like myself. You could say I've nothing to lose really by blurting it out. As it stands, no intimacy. If I go for it, I either get it, or I don't, which is where I am now any way. The problem is working with this girl, if it goes wrong lol, it could be awkward at work. And the thing is at work, i've always been the loud one telling jokes. I could end up looking a right idiot. She wouldn't say anything, but I would know. 

I could do with someone further a field I think. It's a shame though, really nice girl this one is. Unless I just drag it out, get myself to one of these girls that have a job to provide this type of thing for experiences sake. 

The way I typically and always approach any problem is usually very openly. I.e. on a work night out recently I did something silly, I preceded to tell everyone I could find the next day. Rather than being thought or talked about and not being in control of it, this way, I was in control and maintained an illusion of strength. This is the problem with this. If I just see how it goes, she will figure out quickly I don't know what I'm doing, which puts me in a position of weakness. If I instead confidently announce it, saying I don't care its my life, people can think whatever, it gives me the control of the situation and actually looks better I think.


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## SmartCar (Nov 27, 2011)

SAUK said:


> Well she is texting me regularly and seems to want to do more. I can't think that I am going to accept any of her offers to come up though, too much expectation on me. The only way for me personally to get round this is if the girl knows. Maybe I should leave this one. I love confident women, but maybe it's not right for me at the minute. Perhaps I could do with someone a bit more like myself. You could say I've nothing to lose really by blurting it out. As it stands, no intimacy. If I go for it, I either get it, or I don't, which is where I am now any way. The problem is working with this girl, if it goes wrong lol, it could be awkward at work. And the thing is at work, i've always been the loud one telling jokes. I could end up looking a right idiot. She wouldn't say anything, but I would know.
> 
> I could do with someone further a field I think. It's a shame though, really nice girl this one is. Unless I just drag it out, get myself to one of these girls that have a job to provide this type of thing for experiences sake.
> 
> The way I typically and always approach any problem is usually very openly. I.e. on a work night out recently I did something silly, I preceded to tell everyone I could find the next day. Rather than being thought or talked about and not being in control of it, this way, I was in control and maintained an illusion of strength. This is the problem with this. If I just see how it goes, she will figure out quickly I don't know what I'm doing, which puts me in a position of weakness. If I instead confidently announce it, saying I don't care its my life, people can think whatever, it gives me the control of the situation and actually looks better I think.


Aww no, don't end things with her.. if she's a sweet girl, maybe tell her about the anxiety, or things that make you uncomfortable.. like going to her _"room"_ etc. But in a gradual subtle way at first before you go into full-on detail, just to see how she might take it.. not saying to be in an uncomfortable relationship, but maybe give it a chance.. & see what she says. But if I'm not understanding something, you're free to correct me, sometimes I type without thinking on occasion :b


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## thetah (Dec 25, 2014)

"You miss 100% of the chances you don't take."


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## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. They really help, only place speak honestly really. So I took another step as the most of you suggested. 

So any way, spontaneously went out for some food from the supermarket today, went back to her flat. Ate etc all good. Sat watching a box set series for a a few hours. Nervous at first, so I constructed a feeling ill story as a get out clause if required, which helped. Not used to this so was a bit strange, but by the end she was laid all over me and I was very relaxed actually. A success I think. SA before wouldn't allow any of that without about 3 anxiety attacks. 

At first I wanted to leave, by the end I wanted to stay, so good progress. She definitely wanted me to do something, but the TV series helped it be less awkward. Not considering SA, I missed a trick there, but considering the past, I think overall this was a good night. SA I feel can cause a bit of lonelyness too, so OK I bottled anything sexual, but good to be around someone. 

So I am thinking of this as progress, not a missed chance.

Thanks for the replies again, very helpful. Without this thread to speak I doubt i'd have even taken this step.


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## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

SmartCar said:


> Aww no, don't end things with her.. if *she's a sweet girl, maybe tell her about the anxiety*, or things that make you uncomfortable.. like going to her _"room"_ etc. But in a gradual subtle way at first before you go into full-on detail, just to see how she might take it.. not saying to be in an uncomfortable relationship, but maybe give it a chance.. & see what she says. But if I'm not understanding something, you're free to correct me, sometimes I type without thinking on occasion :b


It's not anxiety any more the issue, it seriously seems to have gone. My issue now is I work with this person, and have zero zilch experience with women, and don't want to look a complete idiot, or feel one it becomes apparent. Maybe a trip to a brothel or amsterdam might solve this haha. Again though I feel, to change from a feeling of 'oh ****', to i'd like to do something but don't want to look silly, is a mental step forward.


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## LimePenguin (Aug 3, 2011)

> It's not anxiety any more the issue, it seriously seems to have gone. My issue now is *I work with this person*, and have zero zilch experience with women, and don't want to look a complete idiot, or feel one it becomes apparent. Maybe a trip to a brothel or amsterdam might solve this haha. Again though I feel, to change from a feeling of 'oh ****', to i'd like to do something but don't want to look silly, is a mental step forward.


Oh, damn. I wanted to point out that you weren't actually over your anxiety but this is the main reason I don't want a relationship with co-workers, confident or otherwise.

Kudos though, you've got further than I have, so I may not be best to dictate what to do.

But if you're interested in what I'd suggest anyway , then that is : _be a man_! :lol
You're a warm-blooded male who wants to have sex with this warm-blooded female and she wants (needs) a warm male. Once in the bedroom, two humans become wild animals, creatures of the jungle, a lion and lioness... you get my point I hope :lol

actually maybe it's best not to take my advice haha


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## Lostinsilence (Sep 15, 2011)

Your going to be a right idiot if you miss out on this opportunity. Life is full of learning experiences but you should do what feels right. After all you are an adult. Maybe you go all the way and it becomes awkward, so what right? If it were me, I would go with the flow and see where it goes. All I'm saying if I had chance to hook-up with a co-worker, I would definitely be game.


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## Oh Dae su (Nov 21, 2013)

All was fine until you said "I should have probably started with someone uglier lol". That's not the most attractive thing to say. 

Other than that, uh...Well done on the progress.


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## Blag (Dec 12, 2014)

Did you pay for EVERYTHING?


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I don't blame you for not wanting to eat in public. I've been called a [email protected]** for eating pizza. Then the get called anorexic for eating a salad. It doesn't concern anyone but myself when it comes to what I decide to fuel my body with. You know what they say. People are beetches.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

That's great man. You should be proud of yourself. Next time offer for her to come to your place, or go to hers. Nothing has to happen if you don't want it to.


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## SAUK (May 14, 2015)

So anyway I listened to everyone again and went for another step forward! Went out hiking strangely enough. Went back to her place later that night. Really cuddled up watching TV she wanted something again but I didn't have the bottle to make a move. 

I hate beating around the bush, at work etc, I am always extremely straight forward these days, don't like awkwardness. But because I was so nervous, I wasn't feeling very attracted. Also, the sertraline whilst not doing much bad, makes it quite a bit harder to get an erection. I also think I desensitized myself a bitfrom watching porn too much during SA times. So I decided to just go for it. I said the reason I don't come back and arn't kissing you is because i'm on some meds which can stop 'my guy' from working. I said i'm coming off them slowly hence the delay. At that moment she immediately started kissing me. So we sat and made out and fondled about for hours actually(with a movie). I just said (wed watched sopranos so it was easy), oh I had some panic type thing, the doctor gave me these. 

It sounds a bit awkward, but I've concluded, it's not WHAT you say to people, it's HOW. Saying things confidently keeps you looking strong, I just played it off 'thats life, some times your body ****s up'. So she said fine no problem, we continued playing around. She said so if we want to go further whats the plan, to which I replied I will speak to GP and reduce dosage soon. 

Now the great great thing about this is, I do believe that 70% of this problem was nerves/anxiety. This excuse, buys me time, as I said the meds take time to wean off. So every time I go there now, with zero pressure, I will get more confident. And I'll take beer too. And if Im nervous to perform "oh its the meds still". It buys me a few weeks(which I doubt will be required) to ease in and let my guard down. I sound like an idiot, but I think i'm so un used to intimacy I don't associate it with sex; yet porn I am fine. After being with her all night, I felt much more comfortable, so I think it's just a learning curve. For example, when making out and had my hand down the back of her underwear. At the time I didn't get overly excited. Today thinking it over, I had to sit down for a minute. This means it's definitely not being used to intimacy. 

So to conclude, another positive step! Sorry for the details, but comments here are really really pushing me on. Thanks again all. SA seems to not only ruin your life, but it also feeds all sorta of other problems like intimacy issues I feel?


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