# Does anyone feel like a fraud for still coming to SAS?



## Colton (Jun 27, 2011)

I joined SAS in 2011 in my 2nd or 3rd year of high school and back then I was kind of a mess. I couldn't talk to people, I kept my head on my desk in every class, I never kissed a girl or been to a party, never had a job, I was practically mute except around my family or my two friends, was known as the quiet weird kid in the school.

Since then my fear of talking to people is totally gone, I've had 2 jobs, went to prom, been to several house parties, kissed girls, had sex (once), even cold-approached girls on the street and gotten phone numbers. I'm not Mr. Popularity by a long shot (I still only have those two friends) but I feel confident enough that I'm not anxious anymore.

So I feel like a fraud for even lurking the site anymore. I know you don't NEED to be socially anxious to post here- that ex-sufferers can give advice and listen to others, or post in the forums that aren't about disorders at all- but there's still a sort of nagging guilt that I can't shake off. Does anyone feel similar? Like they don't belong?


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## CoffeeGuy (Sep 23, 2013)

Now I'm not an ex-sufferer, but I still think the opposite is actually true. A site like SAS needs former and actively recovering sufferers to offer insight and advise to other member. 

When all you have is sever SA sufferers then you will never really see any "support" going on, just people complaining, lamenting, or raging about the same issues and situations over and over again. 

Of course there will always be a certain group of people who have given up all hope and will never accept any advise or positive support and will always continue to post negative threads, but for the group that is open to actual support then the presence of poster like you could be greatly beneficial.


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## CatThatWalkedByHimself (Jan 18, 2015)

A bit, like you I was able to overcome my SA. But I think it could be helpful for others to hear advise from somebody who actually can relate.


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## Metus (Dec 6, 2010)

I still enjoy the site though SA is no longer an issue for me. Nothing wrong with liking the site. You can still identify with some of those with SA though it no longer holds you back.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Colton said:


> I joined SAS in 2011 in my 2nd or 3rd year of high school and back then I was kind of a mess. I couldn't talk to people, I kept my head on my desk in every class, I never kissed a girl or been to a party, never had a job, I was practically mute except around my family or my two friends, was known as the quiet weird kid in the school.
> 
> Since then my fear of talking to people is totally gone, I've had 2 jobs, went to prom, been to several house parties, kissed girls, had sex (once), even cold-approached girls on the street and gotten phone numbers. I'm not Mr. Popularity by a long shot (I still only have those two friends) but I feel confident enough that I'm not anxious anymore.
> 
> So I feel like a fraud for even lurking the site anymore. I know you don't NEED to be socially anxious to post here- that ex-sufferers can give advice and listen to others, or post in the forums that aren't about disorders at all- but there's still a sort of nagging guilt that I can't shake off. Does anyone feel similar? Like they don't belong?


There's nothing to feel guilty about, so I can't relate at all. This forum really didn't help me at all. Made things worse back when I was first trying to deal with it. I left for like 3 years, and solved all of my problems. Then I remembered I had an account on here and decided to come here to see if I could help other people. I made an update topic, and a lot more people appreciated it than I expected. And I started getting PM's from a bunch of people asking for advice. So, all I'm here for now is support. I just log in to see if I have any new messages and to check the topics on the triumph board. I find that many people aren't ready for things to change until they start frequenting this board, so I just stay here.


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## Arthur Pendragon (Mar 17, 2013)

You are guilty if you take attention away from true sufferers, or take advantage of their weak and impressionable states due to your proposed successful history. Because you have had SA, you should understand exactly what kind of commitment it takes to talk with people and your responsibility for encouraging people that have decided to open up to you (aka don't be a predator by collecting a bunch of fans who decide to talk to you then negatively reward their initiative by telling them you're swamped). I see too many pseudo-SAers come to this site or people that didn't have true SA and got cured trying to spread their advice to everyone. (At least they're better than the lonely people that target weak individuals with SA for discardable friendships.) It's true that there are others with your same condition that would benefit from your advice and we are all happy for your success (at least we should be), but don't expect your method to be the gold standard for everyone else's recovery. Like with eating disorders, people's needs are different.


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## Sean07 (May 9, 2014)

Arthur Pendragon said:


> You are guilty if you take attention away from true sufferers, or take advantage of their weak and impressionable states due to your proposed successful history. Because you have had SA, you should understand exactly what kind of commitment it takes to talk with people and your responsibility for encouraging people that have decided to open up to you (aka don't be a predator by collecting a bunch of fans who decide to talk to you then negatively reward their initiative by telling them you're swamped). I see too many pseudo-SAers come to this site or people that didn't have true SA and got cured trying to spread their advice to everyone. (At least they're better than the lonely people that target weak individuals with SA for discardable friendships.) It's true that there are others with your same condition that would benefit from your advice and we are all happy for your success (at least we should be), but don't expect your method to be the gold standard for everyone else's recovery. Like with eating disorders, people's needs are different.


I agree with this. I no longer really suffer from SA that much, I'm still shy but I'll always be shy I think. There are many threads where I want to comment or give advice but I know my perspective and experiences are different. Someone who struggles to leave the house doesn't need me telling them 'just go for it, what's the worst that can happen'. I think relevant experience and advice should be sought after though and by no means stop posting if you think you can make a difference. Everyone is different and your advice may inspire people to serious life changes. Just don't expect a positive response from everyone or belittle those who suffer deeply because you managed it.


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## absreim (Jun 19, 2012)

There were several times where I thought I overcame SA completely and didn't need this site anymore. Then, something happens to make me realize how far off I am from a person without SA and I end up coming back. Even if one day I truly am rid of SA, I still intend to come back here occasionally to give advice.


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## Triumph (Jan 16, 2015)

Colton said:


> I joined SAS in 2011 in my 2nd or 3rd year of high school and back then I was kind of a mess. I couldn't talk to people, I kept my head on my desk in every class, I never kissed a girl or been to a party, never had a job, I was practically mute except around my family or my two friends, was known as the quiet weird kid in the school.
> 
> Since then my fear of talking to people is totally gone, I've had 2 jobs, went to prom, been to several house parties, kissed girls, had sex (once), even cold-approached girls on the street and gotten phone numbers. I'm not Mr. Popularity by a long shot (I still only have those two friends) but I feel confident enough that I'm not anxious anymore.
> 
> So I feel like a fraud for even lurking the site anymore. I know you don't NEED to be socially anxious to post here- that ex-sufferers can give advice and listen to others, or post in the forums that aren't about disorders at all- but there's still a sort of nagging guilt that I can't shake off. Does anyone feel similar? Like they don't belong?





CatThatWalkedByHimself said:


> A bit, like you I was able to overcome my SA. But I think it could be helpful for others to hear advise from somebody who actually can relate.





Metus said:


> I still enjoy the site though SA is no longer an issue for me. Nothing wrong with liking the site. You can still identify with some of those with SA though it no longer holds you back.





AntiAnxiety said:


> There's nothing to feel guilty about, so I can't relate at all. This forum really didn't help me at all. Made things worse back when I was first trying to deal with it. I left for like 3 years, and solved all of my problems. Then I remembered I had an account on here and decided to come here to see if I could help other people. I made an update topic, and a lot more people appreciated it than I expected. And I started getting PM's from a bunch of people asking for advice. So, all I'm here for now is support. I just log in to see if I have any new messages and to check the topics on the triumph board. I find that many people aren't ready for things to change until they start frequenting this board, so I just stay here.


I'm interested. And before I ask, allow me to apologize if you've already answered in another post, would you mind to elaborate concisely how it was that you did overcome SA?


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## jhwelch (Jan 14, 2014)

I might be wrong here, but does SA ever go away? I know people who have spent their whole lives hiding away from humanity (admittedly they are very stubbornly anti pyschology) and while I certainly am aiming to be able to be fully functioning, won't we always be dealing with pangs of SA?


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## WhatBITW (Jan 26, 2013)

I don't know, I just drift here without true purpose really. I find myself disagreeing with a lot of the sentiment and attitudes displayed by this community and wonder why I even bother, but it's probably just because I don't have a social life and by instinct I have to participate in some sort of 'social' group.


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## CatThatWalkedByHimself (Jan 18, 2015)

Triumph said:


> I'm interested. And before I ask, allow me to apologize if you've already answered in another post, would you mind to elaborate concisely how it was that you did overcome SA?


First of all I decided that I didn't want the anxiety to rule my life. From there it was exposure to things that I tended to avoid, realizing that rejection is not as scary as I made it out to be. You might get rejected by 99 beautiful women, but the 100th's will say yes. The different way to look at things is crucial. Looking at rejection as a learning experience, a positive thing or being indifferent to it really helps with taking out the sting. She's not interested, that's OK. She has a boyfriend, good for them. I totally blew it at that point, shouldn't do that again. Wow, she was rude, good thing I'm not dating her, etc.

Then it came down to researching and building social skills and use of body language. Using these skills will allow you to have positive social interactions. If you are fun to be around, people get drawn to you. As you build the skills and learn the rules of the social game, it actually becomes fun and relaxing. I'm still an introvert at heart and need some alone time to decompress, but being in Social situation is extremely enjoyable for me.

The one thing that I've utilized for years, that is supported by science is the concept that "fake confidence" becomes real confidence. When you body language and mannerisms show confidence, you'r body will release more testosterone (the confidence and aggression hormone) and less cortisol (stress hormone).

Here is a TED talk that explains the above concept.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

Triumph said:


> I'm interested. And before I ask, allow me to apologize if you've already answered in another post, would you mind to elaborate concisely how it was that you did overcome SA?


Hey, there's absolutely no need to apologize, because, as I've said, I'm only here to help.

Easiest way to say it is that you try to place yourself in as many uncomfortable positions as you can, as often as you can. It's a little difficult for me to find an analogy that you can relate to, but I guess you can think of it as being in a UFC cage match with it. You don't land one punch on it, back up and wait for it to regain composure. You land one punch on it and keep attacking while it's dazed. You keep the pressure on. Before you know it, you'll be in the midst of doing anxiety-inducing things and you''ll remember, "This used to bother me....", but it won't do anything to you at that point in time.

Need anything more than that, and I'll be glad to talk to you if you PM me. I don't want to derail this topic.

This is the original thread I made about the topic: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/ive-made-it-i-have-arrived-at-the-mountain-top-975457/

I also made one about learning how to hold long conversations.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

CatThatWalkedByHimself said:


> First of all I decided that I didn't want the anxiety to rule my life. From there it was exposure to things that I tended to avoid, realizing that rejection is not as scary as I made it out to be. You might get rejected by 99 beautiful women, but the 100th's will say yes. The different way to look at things is crucial. Looking at rejection as a learning experience, a positive thing or being indifferent to it really helps with taking out the sting. She's not interested, that's OK. She has a boyfriend, good for them. I totally blew it at that point, shouldn't do that again. Wow, she was rude, good thing I'm not dating her, etc.
> 
> Then it came down to researching and building social skills and use of body language. Using these skills will allow you to have positive social interactions. If you are fun to be around, people get drawn to you. As you build the skills and learn the rules of the social game, it actually becomes fun and relaxing. I'm still an introvert at heart and need some alone time to decompress, but being in Social situation is extremely enjoyable for me.
> 
> ...


Looks like we're very alike!


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## CatThatWalkedByHimself (Jan 18, 2015)

AntiAnxiety said:


> Looks like we're very alike!


Looks like it, hehe.


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

as long as you dont argue with people on frustration


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## happysunshine (Jan 17, 2015)

For those who have successfully overcome SA, how did you do it? What steps did you take etc. (join toastmasters etc.?)


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## 49erJT (Oct 18, 2010)

jhwelch said:


> I might be wrong here, but does SA ever go away? I know people who have spent their whole lives hiding away from humanity (admittedly they are very stubbornly anti pyschology) and while I certainly am aiming to be able to be fully functioning, won't we always be dealing with pangs of SA?


Yes, I think your right about always dealing with the pangs (at least from my experience). I'm fully functioning but I still experience anxiousness.

Not sure how doing things like on op's list would be a cure.


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## 49erJT (Oct 18, 2010)

happysunshine said:


> For those who have successfully overcome SA, how did you do it? What steps did you take etc. (join toastmasters etc.?)


I feel like I have overcome SA but I still have it if that makes any sense. Basically, I experience anxiety in social situations but I never back down from it anymore. I force myself to go through with uncomfortable situations in order to accomplish the things I want in life.

If you want a job you have to go through the interview.
If you want to get married you have to start with that uncomfortable first date.

There's no easy way but if you want something in life I do believe you should be stubborn in your effort of going after it.


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## yukn (Jun 30, 2013)

I don't really know everyone's individual situation, but I do think a lot of people on here confuse SA with being nerdy or shy because I see all these threads where they think it's the end of the world if they don't lose their virginity by the time they're in their teens or if they can't get the hottest girls. For them, overcoming SA means being able to get hot girls, it's not a case where they're in their 30s and still living with their parents or a complete recluse because they can't even do basic things.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

yukn said:


> I don't really know everyone's individual situation, but I do think a lot of people on here confuse SA with being nerdy or shy because I see all these threads where they think it's the end of the world if they don't lose their virginity by the time they're in their teens or if they can't get the hottest girls. For them, overcoming SA means being able to get hot girls, it's not a case where they're in their 30s and still living with their parents or a complete recluse because they can't even do basic things.


What I will say about this is that I think there are some cases where people just look things up on the internet and diagnose themselves with social anxiety. And I'm not specifically talking about the people who make those threads, because, they could have very well had it and overcome it. At that point though, when it comes to wanting a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and being scared to initiate it, that's known as *approach anxiety* though. There are tons of people with that, and they've never had social anxiety.


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## iingridd (Jun 1, 2009)

WhatBITW said:


> I don't know, I just drift here without true purpose really. I find myself disagreeing with a lot of the sentiment and attitudes displayed by this community and wonder why I even bother, but it's probably just because I don't have a social life and by instinct I have to participate in some sort of 'social' group.


I feel the same. There are things that just don't make any sense to me in this website. Those who claim they suffer but I believe it is just full on desperation to just find a girlfriend/boyfriend in comparison to those that want to be part of something out of nature due to the lack of outside social participation. Not criticizing anyone (or maybe I am but with no bad intention) but when PMing with people I get this feeling there is an ulterior motive. Not everyone but some.


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## kaos (Nov 15, 2003)

iingridd said:


> I feel the same. There are things that just don't make any sense to me in this website. Those who claim they suffer but I believe it is just full on desperation to just find a girlfriend/boyfriend in comparison to those that want to be part of something out of nature due to the lack of outside social participation. Not criticizing anyone (or maybe I am but with no bad intention) but when PMing with people I get this feeling there is an ulterior motive. Not everyone but some.


Haven't been thinking about this before. Makes sense then why some seem to overcome it quite easily while others, myself included, take years to get a grasp. Being nervous only when approaching the opposite sex is hardly social anxiety or at the most the luxurious edition.


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## In a Lonely Place (Mar 26, 2012)

yukn said:


> I don't really know everyone's individual situation, but I do think a lot of people on here confuse SA with being nerdy or shy because I see all these threads where they think it's the end of the world if they don't lose their virginity by the time they're in their teens or if they can't get the hottest girls. For them, overcoming SA means being able to get hot girls, it's not a case where they're in their 30s and still living with their parents or a complete recluse because they can't even do basic things.


True.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

Having first discovered the term over the Internet (self-diagnosis? Sure), by that time I'd taking massive steps to overcome my social anxiety. The guy on this thread who said "put yourself in uncomfortable situations as often as you can", he's got the right idea. I'm still very avoiding at times when i don't want to but that's my issues I'm dealing with.

When I first saw this forum, I found it pretty depressing to be honest to see what I thought was collective negativity, so I avoided it. Now though, I see some people are desperate, some want advice, some just want to vent. And you can get some interesting perspectives on here. I don't feel guilty simply because I'm cool with giving people the assurance that I never got.


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## Fredypin (Mar 27, 2013)

CoffeeGuy said:


> Now I'm not an ex-sufferer, but I still think the opposite is actually true. A site like SAS needs former and actively recovering sufferers to offer insight and advise to other member.
> 
> When all you have is sever SA sufferers then you will never really see any "support" going on, just people complaining, lamenting, or raging about the same issues and situations over and over again.
> 
> *Of course there will always be a certain group of people who have given up all hope and will never accept any advise or positive support and will always continue to post negative threads,* but for the group that is open to actual support then the presence of poster like you could be greatly beneficial.


90% of the posters here. I agree with everything this guy said.


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## AntiAnxiety (Jan 8, 2011)

CoffeeGuy said:


> Now I'm not an ex-sufferer, but I still think the opposite is actually true. A site like SAS needs former and actively recovering sufferers to offer insight and advise to other member.
> 
> When all you have is sever SA sufferers then you will never really see any "support" going on, just people complaining, lamenting, or raging about the same issues and situations over and over again.
> 
> *Of course there will always be a certain group of people who have given up all hope and will never accept any advise or positive support and will always continue to post negative threads*, but for the group that is open to actual support then the presence of poster like you could be greatly beneficial.


Like the poster above me, I completely agree. Sad but true.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I'm in a similar situation, once had debilitating panic attacks and anxiety which affected my day to day life in a large way and now it's a complete 180 to that. I don't feel too guilty being here though, I think it's important to have people who view the world differently to challenge the status quo, though it often leads to backlash as a result.


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## bottleofblues (Aug 6, 2008)

Yeah i feel a bit like this, i don't really have it anymore but it used to be really bad when i was younger. I still have anxiety issues, but mainly around the workplace, but OCD is my main problem. I still like this site because i can relate to a lot of the people here, but when its about people getting sweaty palms just standing in line at the supermarket checkout, i can't really relate to that, at least not anymore.
Thank god.


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## iingridd (Jun 1, 2009)

:group

lol


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

OP, on the contrary, if you have recovered from SA, please stay and give advice or share your experiences on what helped you recover.

In high school I had a friend who suffered from SA and recovered. He had SA because he was a new immigrant. After he became familiar with the customs of Canadian society he no longer had SA but he continued to be friends with me because he liked my company and could identify with my personal struggle.


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