# Is a partner's sexual history important to you?



## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Say someone who you're dating had a much higher partner count than yourself, would you still date/be in a relationship with that person knowing they had a vastly different sexual past to you? Or if they had no partners at all and you had a high number, would that matter?

I would probably only casually date or have sex with someone with a high partner count, I'm not sure if I would be in a romantic relationship with them, but you never know (she would have to have a lot of attractive qualities). Call me insecure or whatever as I am a lowish partner count guy myself, but I don't think it's hypocritical of me to desire a woman with a lowish partner count.


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## Karsten (Apr 3, 2007)

It can be. More so their relationship track record than their sexual, though.

If they've been known to have a "fickle heart" and/or have had a lot of drama in their relationships, I'm instantly sus.


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## versikk (Nov 25, 2013)

If they can rationalise it so that I understand where they're coming from I don't care. I'd probably have a hard time not being jealous of their experiences tho


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Well yeah. What if they have the herp?


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Karsten said:


> It can be. More so their relationship track record than their sexual, though.
> 
> If they've been known to have a "fickle heart" and/or have had a lot of drama in their relationships, I'm instantly sus.


True, someone who's cheated before is a huge red-flag of course. I suppose those who have done it won't often admit they cheated in the past to a new partner because they know it'll scare them away.

I have a friend who cheated on her boyfriend of 3 years (they got back together again after breaking up over it- bad move on his part), and I would never in a million years be in a relationship with her- she also has a very high partner count.


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## greentea33 (Mar 4, 2014)

Very important. Ya. I dont like man *****s. What can I say.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

I've had no partners, so I'm answering from the viewpoint of getting in a relationship with somebody who's had a lot of partners.

It would bother me only in that it shows he has a strong need for sex, which is something I couldn't provide for him, and so I would always worry I'm not good enough and that I'm expecting too much compromise from him, and/or that he hopes I'll change my mind at some future point (most people seem to assume that I will). And I'd find it _very_ hard to believe he's just decided he no longer wants sex, period. Either way, he'd be likely to end up feeling resentful and would blame me. I don't want to deal with that. (ETA seeing posts above, a history of unfaithfulness DEFINITELY matters, I'm just talking about sexual history in general. If he cheated in any manner, I don't want him.)

Granted, if my partner like me had no sexual history, that might worry me as well because I could assume he's a frustrated virgin who really wants to experience sex, which seems to be what most male virgins are. (No judgement, just an observation.)

If his lack of sexual history was due to asexuality, though, I'd be fine with it...but again, I might suspect he's lying about being asexual, in the hopes I'll change my mind. Or perhaps he thinks "asexual" and "celibate" mean the same thing. (Lots of people here do.)

...

Guess it's a good thing I have no prospects. :/


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## AutumnPaws (Aug 22, 2017)

It doesn't matter much to me whether they've had a history of partners or not, as long as their clean. Having a long sexual history doesn't mean they can't hold a relationship or have been unfaithful. I can't get mad at people who love sex


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## CloudChaser (Nov 7, 2013)

I mean, if they had a lot of unprotected anal for heroin money I would like to know about it.

If it's just about how many partners they had before I don't really care as long as they are faithful. In fact I would rather not know at all.

As long as they tell me I am better than everyone before I am happy.


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## Entrensik (Apr 25, 2014)

Whenever I think about that I always ask myself "if I had the same amount of partners would it still bother me?" and the answers no. So there you go.


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## SFC01 (Feb 10, 2016)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Say someone who you're dating had a much higher partner count than yourself, would you still date/be in a relationship with that person knowing they had a vastly different sexual past to you? Or if they had no partners at all and you had a high number, would that matter?
> 
> I would probably only casually date or have sex with someone with a high partner count, I'm not sure if I would be in a romantic relationship with them, but you never know (she would have to have a lot of attractive qualities). Call me insecure or whatever as I am a lowish partner count guy myself, but I don't think it's hypocritical of me to desire a woman with a lowish partner count.


How is September going mate ?:wink2:


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## Kilgore Trout (Aug 10, 2014)

I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone who's dating history was considerably different than mine.


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## Sus y (Aug 30, 2017)

If they are sane/healthy and won't be a problem for me (lacking of weird dramas or contagious stuff) it's none of my business as it's not their business what I have done or not. :stu


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

SFC01 said:


> How is September going mate ?:wink2:


Pretty good, my sex life has improved by several thousand magnitudes compared to August :lol


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## EmotionlessThug (Oct 4, 2011)

It's important for the spectators, because it's part of their business for the experiment to exploit the human relationships. 

Sex is a code name like husband, wife, girlfriend, and boyfriend in order for us to participate in the experiment these intelligent morons are conducting. Yeah, I wonder how the spectators identify their so called love one, Project X, and if they keep a record of their sexual history in a USB drive, because the data is so important to exploit, son.

We never created that idea such as husband, wife, girlfriend, and boyfriend.


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## SFC01 (Feb 10, 2016)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Pretty good, my sex life has improved by several thousand magnitudes compared to August :lol


good man, only 9 days left so what are you doing here ? Get back to it fella, chop chop.


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

SFC01 said:


> good man, only 9 days left so what are you doing here ? Get back to it fella, chop chop.


Don't worry, twas' merely a momentary lapse, I shall be right back to the day job soon enough


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## Sky Blue (Sep 17, 2017)

Not really, although if they tell me about it and there are red flags (like cheating), it might matter.

I don't know much about my boyfriend's history. He mentioned at one point that something bad had happened with his last girlfriend, but I've never asked and he's never offered. I figure she's not here now, and we have what we have, so it doesn't really matter. I just figure it was a dramatic breakup.


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## llodell88 (May 15, 2011)

who wants to date a ho regardless of gender


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## thomasjune (Apr 7, 2012)

I'd rather not talk about their sexual history or mine. As long as they seem healthy then it doesn't matter to me.
Maybe I would like to know a little about their past relationships but what would turn me off though is if they felt the need to tell me how many people they've slept with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

AutumnPaws said:


> It doesn't matter much to me whether they've had a history of partners or not, as long as their clean. Having a long sexual history doesn't mean they can't hold a relationship or have been unfaithful. I can't get mad at people who love sex


Prttty much how I feel .

Someone comfortable With sex is a lot better than someone who's not and for me it's all about having fun and loving sex .


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## caelle (Sep 9, 2008)

I guess it is important. But if I really like the guy then I might be able to look past questionable sexual history... maybe.. 

Preferably though I'd like to be with someone who hasn't been with a lot of people.


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## Kandice (Jan 26, 2017)

I don't care either way, but I think it would be more beneficial for me to have a partner who has more experience than me because I lack experience.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

It doesn't matter too much. I get loving sex and having one night stands. Being faithful is the most important thing to me though.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't understand 'casually dating' isn't that just having sex and being friends? Why does it even have a description separate from sex? It sounds pointless.


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## acidicwithpanic (May 14, 2014)

As long as they don't have AIDS or too many kids, I don't care. 

The only problem I've encountered when dating more experienced people wasn't jealousy at all, but rather a fear of having them leave because of my lack of experience.


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## Ai (Oct 13, 2012)

Not particularly. As long as whatever activity _did_ occur was was safe and responsible, it's not really any of my business.



Karsten said:


> More so their relationship track record than their sexual, though.


I agree with this. Someone who's been in and out of tumultuous relationships rapid-fire triggers way more red flags for me than someone who's had a lot of casual sex. People who openly speak badly of all of their exes, especially when using adjectives like "crazy," are typically suspicious too.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

If I had an issue with the amount of partners my gf has had then I'd certainly not be with her...

I don't like discussing it but it's not something I think about or that bothers me.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I believe in don't ask, don't tell. There is no point in discussing it, will just upset you. Maybe I'd like to know how many long-term relationships they have been in and how long they lasted, but I don't really want to know all the details. 

If you are worried about STDs, you can just get tested. Just because they have had only had 2 or 3 sex partners, doesn't mean they are STD free. Perhaps one of their partners had sex with tons of people prior to them.... People are more likely to use condoms during casual sex but tend to become complacent about condom usage in relationships. And you never know if someone is telling the truth or not.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Ai said:


> I agree with this. Someone who's been in and out of tumultuous relationships rapid-fire triggers way more red flags for me than someone who's had a lot of casual sex. People who openly speak badly of all of their exes, especially when using adjectives like "crazy," are typically suspicious too.


Yeah, I can see someone having 1 or 2 crazy, horrific boyfriends/girlfriends. But if it's almost all their exes, then most likely the issue is with them and not their exes.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

Yes it is important, it extends to values and compatibility.


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## wallenstein (Mar 27, 2013)

Depends how different it was to mine, for example I've been in one ltr and had 3 ons type situations and while i wouldn't mind if someone's count was higher than mine slightly because i know i'm on the lower side i would mind if it was something wildly disproportionate compared to myself.


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

I probably woudn't ask her sexual history to be honest. Simply because if it's a high number, I don't know how I would react to it and because I don't have any experience, it might make me feel like I don't measure up. What matters is that we're here, and we're together now.


Look on the bright side, if someone has a lot of experience they'll probably be good in bed. You can let them take control. Imagine sleeping with a porn star, the sex will probably be really good for you.


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## Fear Goggles (Dec 18, 2011)

Yeah, it's important to me. All things are relative and I would always allow room for the person to explain their relationship history, but generally I'd be concerned with their ability to commit. If they had a history of casual sex and one night stands, I probably wouldn't consider them relationship material at all. I'm not **** shaming here or anything. It's just to me, sex and physical intimacy are very special things I reserve for committed and loving relationships, so I wouldn't be compatible with someone who held a wildly different perspective on the subject. I'm very much a "love for life" kind of guy. I've never dated or looked for a relationship. They have to develop organically from friendship to be worth anything in my opinion.


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Fear Goggles said:


> Yeah, it's important to me. All things are relative and I would always allow room for the person to explain their relationship history, but generally I'd be concerned with their ability to commit. If they had a history of casual sex and one night stands, I probably wouldn't consider them relationship material at all. I'm not **** shaming here or anything. It's just to me, sex and physical intimacy are very special things I reserve for committed and loving relationships, so I wouldn't be compatible with someone who held a wildly different perspective on the subject. I'm very much a "love for life" kind of guy. I've never dated or looked for a relationship. *They have to develop organically from friendship to be worth anything in my opinion*.


That's not really how most relationships start from in my anecdotal evidence- unless we're talking about the jump from 'friends with benefits' to a relationship. Not saying it's impossible to go from a platonic friendship to a relationship, but it gets harder when a woman sees you more as a friend rather than a lover.


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

It would probably bother me mostly because I'd worry she'd secretly compare my sexual performance to her myriad of ex lovers. I say ignorance is bliss.


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## Gloaming (Aug 1, 2017)

I wouldn't really care as long as we were on the same page in _our_ relationship tbh. I would definitely think twice if they had a history of cheating or something like that, but no, a high partner count alone wouldn't scare me away if I liked them otherwise. I think it's more of a red flag when people talk about how crazy _all_ their exes were.


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## discoveryother (Sep 18, 2016)

it becomes important as far as it is a part of intimacy - trusting your partner enough to let them know what your life has been like. if you never have enough trust, then that might mean the relationship isn't going anywhere. and if you react badly, then that breaks that trust. this is something to talk about much later on in the relationship.

but also, people that do things out of turn are disconcerting to me. maybe because i am very careful. usually people probe a bit to see if its ok to talk about it first. to just blurt things out without thinking first isn't a good idea... but i do also like to be made upset because then i get provoked into talking about my feelings, etc. when normally i'd just go with the flow. its an opportunity to "let of some steam"


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## onthespectrum (Aug 31, 2017)

My number isn't saintly so I wouldn't want to be with a virgin but that's about it. I once was with an inexperienced guy who watched a lot of porn and had unrealistic expectations and that sucked.


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## Fear Goggles (Dec 18, 2011)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> That's not really how most relationships start from in my anecdotal evidence- unless we're talking about the jump from 'friends with benefits' to a relationship. Not saying it's impossible to go from a platonic friendship to a relationship, but it gets harder when a woman sees you more as a friend rather than a lover.


It depends. The feelings have to develop mutually. The "friend zone" only exists when one develops sexual feelings while the other doesn't. I'm in a relationship now which developed organically, and could never imagine pursuing someone for the purpose of building a sexual relationship (which is what most guys are truly doing when they befriend a girl, and therefore fall victim to the friend zone). I think an authentic and equal relationship has to be built upon a foundation of strong friendship.


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## DiDiZia (May 18, 2017)

If I'm being honest, yes. If they were rather, um… adventurous, then I'd be concerned as to whether or not they could maintain a monogamous relationship with me.
I'm not into the idea of open relationships, nor am I accepting of serial cheating.
I've come across posts online of people that were sexually adventurous, and have admitted that they do not believe they could ever be in a monogamous relationship. Of course, that's not the case for every one of them, but those people do exist, and those thoughts would pop in my head from time to time, I'm assuming.
It's not about mileage, being "damaged goods", or any prejudice whatsoever towards sexual promiscuity. It is rather, a concern of how those habits could affect our relationship.

As a virgin, I'm not gonna lie, performance fright would also set in for me, in addition to body insecurities.
I hope nobody misconstrued this as being judgemental, nosey, or picky. That's the total opposite of what I intended. It's unlikely I'd turn down a man due to his sexual history, nor do I think I'd even openly inquire about it to him.

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk


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## Gloaming (Aug 1, 2017)

@DiDiZia Don't worry, nothing you said sounds bad at all, it makes a lot of sense.


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## Repix (Jan 14, 2016)

Yeah, gotta know how good they are at it.

Nice!


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

onthespectrum said:


> My number isn't saintly so I wouldn't want to be with a virgin but that's about it. I once was with an inexperienced guy who watched a lot of porn and had unrealistic expectations and that sucked.


 Interesting, I sometimes wonder if years of porn has screwed up my expectations also...


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## TheFighterStillRemains (Oct 3, 2010)

It doesn't matter to me but when they fondly talk about their past hookups then it bothers me. I don't want to know about that or think about it, and if they don't matter anymore then don't bring them up. The past needs to stay in the past.


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## LampSandwich (May 5, 2012)

*No not really. I'd hope they wouldn't care about mine either. *


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I've never cared how many or few people another person has slept with. It doesn't make me feel insecure or jealous, I don't look down on people for having high or low counts, and I'm not sure how it would help me predict whether or not another person is going to cheat on me. All of my LTRs cheated on me, and none of them had high counts. I think monogamy is an urban legend.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

truant said:


> All of my LTRs cheated on me, and none of them had high counts. I think monogamy is an urban legend.


That's kinda how I feel. I've been in seven LTRs and five I know 100% for certain the other person cheated. Some were low to moderate counts and one was in triple digits. The odds of being cheated on are greater than not unfortunately, regardless of how many people they've been with.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

JH1983 said:


> one was in triple digits


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

Kevin001 said:


>


Well, she's hot and loves sex. She's 37 years old now and lost her virginity at 14, so that's like 5 a year. She says she's at around 100.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

JH1983 said:


> Well, she's hot and loves sex. She's 37 years old now and lost her virginity at 14, so that's like 5 a year. She says she's at around 100.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

What is a partner? Am I dancing with them or having sex with them?

I think to drive the point home you should ask "Is it important for you to know who the person you're screwing has screwed before you?"


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## Pongowaffle (Jul 23, 2015)

It is only important to me when they will compare how I will measure up to past partners. Which they will. This applies not only to sexual history. But dating history. Anyone with more experience will be harder to please. And to impress.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

truant said:


> I've never cared how many or few people another person has slept with. It doesn't make me feel insecure or jealous, I don't look down on people for having high or low counts, and I'm not sure how it would help me predict whether or not another person is going to cheat on me. All of my LTRs cheated on me, and none of them had high counts. I think monogamy is an urban legend.


Did they cheat right before breaking up with you? Like they had already decided they didn't want to date you anymore, so they cheated?

I think that's just how many people do break ups. My theory is that people do it because they are deathly afraid of being alone or single. Or it could be that if you tell someone you want to break up with them, the other person will plead and beg to stay together. So couples often break up and then get back together, break up and get back together. Rinse and repeat.

But if you cheat on someone, then it's more FINAL. The other person will be so pissed and feel betrayed that they won't beg and plead to get back together.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

komorikun said:


> Did they cheat right before breaking up with you? Like they had already decided they didn't want to date you anymore, so they cheated?
> 
> I think that's just how many people do break ups. My theory is that people do it because they are deathly afraid of being alone or single. Or it could be that if you tell someone you want to break up with them, the other person will plead and beg to stay together. So couples often break up and then get back together, break up and get back together. Rinse and repeat.
> 
> But if you cheat on someone, then it's more FINAL. The other person will be so pissed and feel betrayed that they won't beg and plead to get back together.


The first no. That was my ex-wife. She was just young and hadn't been with anyone else and wanted to sow some oats. She didn't want a divorce, so we had an open relationship for a couple years after I caught her and then I divorced her for other reasons.

The second yes. She met an out transwoman. A hotter version of me, lol.

The third yes and no. I don't think she'd already decided to leave, but met someone else and then decided she'd be happier with them.

I think you're right that people often cheat when they've already decided they're abandoning the relationship. It's just pre-emptive dating.

Sex outside of a relationship has never bothered me, so it's not the sex that hurt but the double standard. I've never cheated on anyone, though I've had opportunities, so I just feel like a sucker. I just don't even really want to date monogamists anymore because I don't trust them.


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## Sky Blue (Sep 17, 2017)

Wrongwolfe said:


> It doesn't matter to me but when they fondly talk about their past hookups then it bothers me. I don't want to know about that or think about it, and if they don't matter anymore then don't bring them up. The past needs to stay in the past.


That would be incredibly weird to hear from someone...


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## TheInvisibleHand (Sep 5, 2015)

doe deer said:


> i could never be with someone who had sex with many people.


Why not ? The sex with a person like that would be so much better.


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## cinto (Jun 19, 2017)

Be very ready when dating someone who's had multiple partners.lol


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

cinto said:


> Be very ready when dating someone who's had multiple partners.lol


Ready for what? Good sex? ;P I guess it _is_ important to be in good shape first.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

doe deer said:


> 1) they're hooking up with random people and i'm not into having sex with strangers. so our opinions on this topic would be very different and the relationship is doomed.
> 2) they've been in many relationships which is a red flag


I would say that it's more of a red flag to most people if someone is older than 18 and never been in a relationship. If you're my age and lived in a few different places you are going to end up having quite a few relationships. It makes you wiser and more experienced in how to keep future relationships from getting negative. Someone who's never been in a relationship doesn't know anything about relationships. You can get all the advice you want, but until you've experienced it yourself, you know nothing about relationships for you as an individual.


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## TheInvisibleHand (Sep 5, 2015)

finallyclosed said:


> I would say that it's more of a red flag to most people if someone is older than 18 and never been in a relationship. If you're my age and lived in a few different places you are going to end up having quite a few relationships. It makes you wiser and more experienced in how to keep future relationships from getting negative. Someone who's never been in a relationship doesn't know anything about relationships. You can get all the advice you want, but until you've experienced it yourself, you know nothing about relationships for you as an individual.


Why are you stalking doe deer ?


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

TheInvisibleHand said:


> Why are you stalking doe deer ?


Plus, in TheHand's case, the only thing you know how to please _is_ your hand.


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## TheInvisibleHand (Sep 5, 2015)

finallyclosed said:


> Plus, in TheHand's case, the only thing you know how to please _is_ your hand.


You cant please a hand that is invisible.


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## cinto (Jun 19, 2017)

finallyclosed said:


> Ready for what? Good sex? ;P I guess it _is_ important to be in good shape first.


Just know they won't be only giving you good sex


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Not overly. Obviously no STD's as a given.

If they have had a bazillion partners that would indicate that sex with a variety of partners is probably an important thing for them and not being monogamous might become an issue.

So I guess its secondary implications from it that might be an issue. Primarily, in itself, it doesn't bother me.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

doe deer said:


> well how many? i'd assume someone who's had 15 failed relationships has some issues or is just really unlucky and dated crazy people. also, i never said having 0 relationships isn't a red flag. anyway your advice is bittersweet because you sound like my dad and that man had a whole harem of women back in his prime.


Not going to say how many because you'll just call me a *****, but I'm not even in my prime yet.


cinto said:


> Just know they won't be only giving you good sex


Ouch. :serious: Not if they had sex ed in school. You can also make them get a simple blood test if you don't trust them.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

splendidbob said:


> Not overly. Obviously no STD's as a given.
> 
> If they have had a bazillion partners that would indicate that sex with a variety of partners is probably an important thing for them and not being monogamous might become an issue.
> 
> So I guess its secondary implications from it that might be an issue. Primarily, in itself, it doesn't bother me.


Or they could just have more of a European attitude about life. Just because they've done it before doesn't mean they need it every waking hour. But if your partner is consistently refusing to put out just to spite you, then I don't see anything wrong with doing it with someone else. That will probably make some people hate me, but I'm not exactly excited about earning that type of love in the first place.

I believe in mutually open relationships BTW. I didn't used to until I experienced being cheated on. Why subject yourself to pain and suffering if you don't have to? At least in an open relationship you both have some say in who the other one is sleeping with. And yes, it is going to happen whether you are open about it or not. Even if you both think you are the most loyal precious people in the world.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

John Locke said:


> why red flag? virgin guys are just normal humans who have anxiety. i dont know your status, but if you are virgin yourself then why having problem with virgin guys? they are like you.


Because even people with anxiety still have sex. So it's not the anxiety's fault, just an excuse that you tell yourself because there's probably something more off putting about your personality that you could change, but don't want to.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

John Locke said:


> Some people have severe anxiety/BDD which is worse than normal anxiety.


If someone has severe anxiety and BDD, then it's not a good idea to date them because you could accidentally kill them by making one mistake. I feel for them, but what can you do? It's up to them to get better first if they want to date or have sex. There are enough resources available for anyone with those issues to get better if they want to.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

doe deer said:


> if you're an adult and still a virgin, you have issues - anxiety for example.


:serious:


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## Tetragammon (Jun 2, 2015)

Only inasmuch as it impacts me, like STD concerns -- obviously I'd need them to be totally open and honest about that. I'd actually prefer someone with a far higher number of partners because they'd know exactly what they want and could probably show me the ropes.


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## JohnDoe26 (Jun 6, 2012)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Say someone who you're dating had a much higher partner count than yourself, would you still date/be in a relationship with that person knowing they had a vastly different sexual past to you? Or if they had no partners at all and you had a high number, would that matter?
> 
> I would probably only casually date or have sex with someone with a high partner count, I'm not sure if I would be in a romantic relationship with them, but you never know (she would have to have a lot of attractive qualities). Call me insecure or whatever as I am a lowish partner count guy myself, but I don't think it's hypocritical of me to desire a woman with a lowish partner count.


I'm in my early 30s, a virgin, and never been in any relationship, hook up, or even so much as remotely been touched sexually. In all brutal honesty, I would not date someone like me, nor do I expect others to. It's usually a sign of baggage or mental illness (which is my case, is obviously true - I post in this forum).

In terms of high partner count, I'm gay, so that's pretty much to be expected, so I wouldn't mind provided they are honest with what they want and are clean (no STDs).


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

doe deer said:


> why the face? i'm not trying to insult anyone, just trying to be objective. if you're an adult virgin you either have issues like most of us on this site, you're saving yourself for marriage/for the right person or you're asexual and simply not interested. maybe there are other reasons, i don't know.


Ok some people might be saving themselves. I consider myself a born again virgin .


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## xxDark Horse (May 13, 2015)

John Locke said:


> And what about a guy who has never been in a relationship at all, is that not a red flag aswell?


Even though you've never been in a relationship before, the key is to not act like you're inexperienced.

Ever heard of the concept, fake it till you make it? Because when a girl meets you, it's not like she knows you've never been in a relationship before, unless you tell her. Your relationship and sexual history is your business and you don't have to disclose anything unless you feel like you have to. But honestly, I would tell her you've never been in a relationship but only when either you two are exclusive or it's clear she likes you.

One thing I would keep to yourself though, never tell a girl you've never kissed anybody before. Just do it when it feels right, act like you know what you're doing even though you don't.

As for virginity, it depends on the situation. If it's a one night stand, hookup, or fwb, don't tell the girl it's your first time. Why? Because the woman is looking just for sex so by telling her you're a virgin, it defeats the purpose.

If it's a girl who you really like, plan to get into a relationship with and you know she likes you back, then it might be a good idea to tell her you're a virgin.


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## Eternal Solitude (Jun 11, 2017)

Yes.

As someone that identifies as "demisexual" it matters a lot to me.

Being with a person with a high count is not only physically repugnant (STDs) but morally reprehensible to me.

*Why would you want to be with a person that sees other people ( and you) as nothing more than meat puppet whose only purpose is to stroke that person's ego?*

Furthermore, it denotes a lack of self control and good judgment. Something I find very unappealing in partner...

Besides my personality is too intense, too obsessive and too passionate for more than one person.

*Till Death Do Us Apart My Love:*










**** me and I'll be the last person you **** with. Guaranteed!:twisted


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

Eternal Solitude said:


> Yes.
> 
> As someone that identifies as "demisexual" it matters a lot to me.
> 
> ...


Definitely my favorite post in this thread.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

doe deer said:


> god forbid someone has a different opinion, right? from what i understood, this post was not about having sex before but about having a high number of sexual partners. i know people who aren't virgins and simply aren't into casual sex. funnily enough, with threads like these i notice quite a few people tend to have a problem with that for some reason.
> and no, you wouldn't be an evil person if you wouldn't want to have sex with a virgin or if it was a turn off for you. it's called a preference and most people have that.


lol, there's a difference between having a personal preference and calling sexually liberated people physically repugnant and saying they have STD's. I see you're trying to make it seem like I'm the bad guy though, so I'm not going to argue with crazy.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

It's also very offensive to me when people say that I only see people as objects or pieces of meat just because I enjoy having sex and don't believe monogamous sex is the only way to prove your love to someone.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

You're actually more likely to get an STD in a monogamous relationship when your partner cheats on you and doesn't get tested because they don't want you to find out, than when you're in an open relationship where you both are honest and careful about who you sleep with because you love each other.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

What's considered a high count?


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

doe deer said:


> it's their opinion. the fact that you find it offensive doesn't change that. maybe some people find it offensive that you think every monogamous relationship ends up with cheating? and of course, i suppose you think that because you've been cheated on so therefore all relationships are bound to be that way and that's a fact.


No, it's because I've lived an actual life already with lots of experience and been exposed to the truth too many times to ignore it. But if that's not enough, I'm sure the statistics on how many people end up cheating will make you feel better.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Say someone who you're dating had a much higher partner count than yourself, would you still date/be in a relationship with that person knowing they had a vastly different sexual past to you? Or if they had no partners at all and you had a high number, would that matter?
> 
> I would probably only casually date or have sex with someone with a high partner count, I'm not sure if I would be in a romantic relationship with them, but you never know (she would have to have a lot of attractive qualities). Call me insecure or whatever as I am a lowish partner count guy myself, but I don't think it's hypocritical of me to desire a woman with a lowish partner count.


You are never going to actually know how many people your SO has had because:










Women are going to lie and say fewer that the real number and men are more likely to say higher than the real number. So just fuggetaboutit!


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## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

JH1983 said:


> What's considered a high count?


 Bout 20 dudes. On separate occasions though. If it's like two or three dudes at a time then it counts as one. Men get a reducing factor so we can get up to 40 before we're **** shamed. Those the rules as I understand them.


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## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

Neal said:


> Bout 20 dudes. On separate occasions though. *If it's like two or three dudes at a time then it counts as one*. Men get a reducing factor so we can get up to 40 before we're **** shamed. Those the rules as I understand them.


Uh...wtf...?


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

Neal said:


> Bout 20 dudes. On separate occasions though. If it's like two or three dudes at a time then it counts as one. Men get a reducing factor so we can get up to 40 before we're **** shamed. Those the rules as I understand them.


Sounds about right, I was gonna say 30-40. Forgot the rules and exceptions though, lol.


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## Eternal Solitude (Jun 11, 2017)

finallyclosed said:


> *-*


Finallyclosed. Please calm down!

Try to put things into perspective. The thread was meant for users to state their preference on a matter. I simply stated my opinion. The keyword is : opinion. Therefore it is a subjective representation of how an individual sees a particular issue. I 'm neither claiming to hold the universal truth, nor I am advocating for people who have had a lot of sex partners to be stoned and be thrown to the fiery pits of hell to burn for all eternity for their transgressions.

I simply stated a quality that I find repugnant in a "romantic partner". My personal opinion could be applied to a plethora of qualities that some people find repugnant. E.g.: smoking, eating meat if the other person is vegan, poor table manners, not liking children, disliking dogs or cats, etc... or even being *overtly stoic and frigid.*

Many years back, before I developed Social Anxiety, I used to have girlfriends (non romantic)
That had high counts and would brag about their sexual exploits. Their escapades were so over the top and the vocabulary that they employed was so vulgar, that they could make a porn star blush. But in spite of my disapproval of their behavior I still hung out with them. Why ? To paraphrase Groucho Marx:










They were still cool people. Just because I don't like an aspect of a person does it mean that I shun that person. Everyone has edges: they might be flakes, they might even be slightly sexist or even slightly racist, they might be selfish, they might be a bit crass and lack decor in public, etc...but it would be foolish to define a person by just one aspect.

It just happens that promiscuity is a deal breaker *to me* when it comes to romantic relationships. Friends? Sure I'll be you crying shoulder and bring hot chicken soup when you are out sick with cold.

It is obvious that I struck a nerve with my post. Please forgive me it wasn't my intention to "**** shame " you. But it can also be argued that your overtly aggressive response is also offensive to a person with social anxiety, fear of abandonment and separation anxiety that shaped its views on sexuality from childhood traumas, abuse, unstable environment and a strict Catholic upbringing. Yes I do have issues, no need to shame me for it. This is a support forum after all.

* Lastly, I will also like to state that I don't want to fight with you I think that you're a cool cat. It just happens that we disagree on a particular issue. I admit that I could have chosen my words better, but then again if you read the last part of my post it is obvious that I was being sarcastic.

As for ****ing myself don't worry. No one dies a virgin. Life ****s us all one way or another.

That is why I can tell you that I am one of those the biggest ****s that you'll meet :grin2:

*


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## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Everybody just ****ing calm down...


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

It's a "data point" ... I don't think it matters much in general or is any of my business, but knowing could be useful as a matter of understanding where they are coming from and what they may be like.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Everybody just ****ing calm down...


lol


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)




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## Lohikaarme (Aug 28, 2013)

Some posts had to be removed. Please keep it civil.



> *Personal Attacks*
> Personal attacks on any member or staff member of this community will not be tolerated. Any post, message, or other content which is judged by the moderators to be defamatory, degrading, threatening, humiliating, insulting or hurtful in any way to another member of the community will be edited or deleted at the moderators' discretion. Registering for the purpose of attacking another member will result in a permanent ban. Antagonizing or demeaning language that isn't necessarily directed at any individual may also be considered unacceptable.





> *Bigotry*
> Any content which is deemed by the staff to contain racial, sexual, religious, or any other kind of bigotry will be locked, edited or removed. This includes excessive gender stereotyping and inciting or engaging in gender "wars."


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## cinto (Jun 19, 2017)

finallyclosed said:


> Not going to say how many because you'll just call me a *****, but I'm not even in my prime yet.
> 
> Ouch. :serious: Not if they had sex ed in school. You can also make them get a simple blood test if you don't trust them.


I can see how my comment was misinterpreted, oops. What I meant to say was, you're not the only person they'll be giving 'good' sex to.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

finallyclosed said:


> Or they could just have more of a European attitude about life. Just because they've done it before doesn't mean they need it every waking hour.


Notice the "probably" and "might". It's very annoying when I carefully word things and people just skim over it with their deranged haze of black and white thinking and assume I operate in the same way.

How did you get "they need it every waking hour", and assuming I would want someone who "hasn't done it before" from my post?



finallyclosed said:


> But if your partner is consistently refusing to put out just to spite you, then I don't see anything wrong with doing it with someone else. That will probably make some people hate me, but I'm not exactly excited about earning that type of love in the first place.


If we ever are in a relationship together I either will put out, or end the relationship I suppose. It could have been great though.



finallyclosed said:


> I believe in mutually open relationships BTW. I didn't used to until I experienced being cheated on. Why subject yourself to pain and suffering if you don't have to? At least in an open relationship you both have some say in who the other one is sleeping with. And yes, it is going to happen whether you are open about it or not. Even if you both think you are the most loyal precious people in the world.


k, thx for letting me know.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

cinto said:


> I can see how my comment was misinterpreted, oops. What I meant to say was, you're not the only person they'll be giving 'good' sex to.


I guess that's slightly not as bad.


Eternal Solitude said:


> Finallyclosed. Please calm down!
> 
> Try to put things into perspective. The thread was meant for users to state their preference on a matter. I simply stated my opinion. The keyword is : opinion.


Again, word for word as I stated before:
lol, there's a difference between having a personal preference and calling sexually liberated people physically repugnant and saying they have STD's. I see you're trying to make it seem like I'm the bad guy though, so I'm not going to argue with crazy.

Now leave me alone my pizza is done.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

finallyclosed said:


> You're actually more likely to get an STD in a monogamous relationship when your partner cheats on you and doesn't get tested because they don't want you to find out, than when you're in an open relationship where you both are honest and careful about who you sleep with because you love each other.


Or even if they don't cheat on you, they may have an STD from a previous relationship. I've noticed that people are more vigilant about using condoms with one night stands than in relationships. That sort of makes sense but even if you are in a relationship, they may have caught something from their ex. Who know if their ex was faithful. And many STDs have no symptoms.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Delineate said:


> I didn't know whether to put this in the age gap thread or this one since it fits in both, but this thread obviously became the more controversial/argumentative one so I'd rather put it here. This is a pretty fascinating look at media tropes that heavily relate to this and why you see men looking for younger and virginal women (because of their insecurity with their own masculinity and sexuality).


You think that men look for younger women because of their insecurity with their masculinity and sexuality? I thought that's why they _give up_ on chasing younger women. Unless you're talking pedophile young. To attract a college age girl in the first place you have to be pretty sure of yourself. TBH, I think this is what older women say to make themselves feel better about not being chased after by men anymore. "Oh, he's just insecure in his manhood anyway, it's nothing to do with me.".


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## TheFighterStillRemains (Oct 3, 2010)

Sky Blue said:


> That would be incredibly weird to hear from someone...


Not only that, but it's just unfair to your partner. Personally, even though I've had great moments with people in the past I don't even think of them when I'm with someone because I'm completely over them and those moments are colored with sadness in no longer being with them or how they wronged me. A continued fondness for them either means they were amazing and/or you're not over them and how exactly is your partner supposed to feel about that???


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Wrongwolfe said:


> Not only that, but it's just unfair to your partner. Personally, even though I've had great moments with people in the past I don't even think of them when I'm with someone because I'm completely over them and those moments are colored with sadness in no longer being with them or how they wronged me. A continued fondness for them either means they were amazing and/or you're not over them and how exactly is your partner supposed to feel about that???


Or you just didn't try to kill each other when you broke up and went your separate ways even though you loved each other.


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## TheFighterStillRemains (Oct 3, 2010)

finallyclosed said:


> Or you just didn't try to kill each other when you broke up and went your separate ways even though you loved each other.


Right, but even that implies you still love them deep down.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I really don't understand the way monogamists think. I wish I did, because I think it would make my life easier, but I really don't. I haven't stopped loving my exes just because they dumped me. Is it something that happens naturally or do people use some kind of occult ritual to make it happen?

Personally, I find it very weird that so many people can love someone and then stop loving them just because they can't make a relationship work. I understand falling out of love with someone who's hurt you very badly (that's happened to me, too), but not when the problem is something like incompatibility. I don't care if my partner's still in love with all of their exes. I'd rather they loved them than hated them.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Wrongwolfe said:


> Right, but even that implies you still love them deep down.


What's wrong with that? I'd be worried if you told someone you loved them and then suddenly stopped. I guess it doesn't mix well with jealousy though.


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## leaf in the wind (Mar 28, 2017)

I think it depends on other factors too, like if they've managed to hold a monogamous relationship for a length of time. Or if they've only just had one night stands and did short term dating. My recent on again, off again ex-boyfriend had a serious girlfriend for four years- then when they broke up, he went on a a casual dating spree... sleeping with half a dozen random women in like a few months, I think. In that sense, I think his "numbers" could be a bit inflated without perspective.

It also depends on age. I've dated guys in their thirties who have had ten partners. That's pretty standard and maybe even on the low end of the spectrum. A guy who is 24 or 25 with that same amount of partners would raise my alarm bells.


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## TheFighterStillRemains (Oct 3, 2010)

finallyclosed said:


> What's wrong with that? I'd be worried if you told someone you loved them and then suddenly stopped. I guess it doesn't mix well with jealousy though.


Ideally you're supposed to be completely over someone when you're in another relationship. It's not a matter of saying they loved someone and they suddenly stopped because rarely does that happen. There are many factors that could contribute to falling out of love, from relationship dynamics to character flaws. Just because they said they loved someone and had the relationship dissolve doesn't mean they didn't mean what they said in that moment. Things just happen.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

truant said:


> I really don't understand the way monogamists think. I wish I did, because I think it would make my life easier, but I really don't. I haven't stopped loving my exes just because they dumped me. Is it something that happens naturally or do people use some kind of occult ritual to make it happen?
> 
> Personally, I find it very weird that so many people can love someone and then stop loving them just because they can't make a relationship work. I understand falling out of love with someone who's hurt you very badly (that's happened to me, too), but not when the problem is something like incompatibility. I don't care if my partner's still in love with all of their exes. I'd rather they loved them than hated them.


I don't think that's that common, at least not instantaneously. My ex was still into me after I broke up with him, and he kept trying to get back together with me for months afterwards and got annoyed when I'd talk to guys and crap. I rejected another guy I went on one date with before him, and a couple of months later that guy got really upset when I got together with my ex and got really drunk and threatened to stab him and kill himself. Then he dropped out of uni and became an alcoholic. It would have been a lot more convenient if they both got over it straight away. Even though other people who knew both of them and me found it hilarious because I 'destroyed them' without trying.

So that's probably why people lose those feelings at some point, they transfer it to someone else/diminish it in themself, or they go insane.


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## mands (Sep 30, 2017)

What happens in the past shouldn't be of consequence. You are currently the choice of your partner and how did they know they were to meet you. If they are punished for how they lived before then it isn't really fair. 

The best option is to focus on the present and whether they are faithful to you and respect you in the here and now and the future.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

To me, being in love with someone means that it never goes away no matter what happens to them or what they do. The other feeling that people seem to be able to "get over" so easily is something more like lust or pleasure. As far as I know I've only really been in love with one person and I never even met them in person. The only reason I know that it was real love is that I've done everything I could possibly do to get over them, even hard drugs, and nothing worked. I finally realized that I could love more than one person at the same time, but I don't think my feelings toward her will ever turn negative or numb like they have for all of my other exes.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

@finallyclosed

cool avatar Josan Gonzalez is great.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Persephone The Dread said:


> @*finallyclosed*
> 
> cool avatar Josan Gonzalez is great.


Thanks. I agree.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I don't think that's that common, at least not instantaneously. My ex was still into me after I broke up with him, and he kept trying to get back together with me for months afterwards and got annoyed when I'd talk to guys and crap. I rejected another guy I went on one date with before him, and a couple of months later that guy got really upset when I got together with my ex and got really drunk and threatened to stab him and kill himself. Then he dropped out of uni and became an alcoholic. It would have been a lot more convenient if they both got over it straight away. Even though other people who knew both of them and me found it hilarious because I 'destroyed them' without trying.
> 
> So that's probably why people lose those feelings at some point, they transfer it to someone else/diminish it in themself, or they go insane.


I think I struggle with it because I have a hard time understanding jealousy. I don't experience psychological pain at the thought of someone I care about being with another person. I might wish they were with me because I miss their company or whatever, but that's just loneliness/sadness/missing someone. Jealousy is psychological pain at the thought of an ex being with another person romantically/sexually. Those thoughts themselves are painful. Imagining what they might be doing. I don't feel anything about thoughts like that aside from maybe idle curiosity.

The obsessive jealousy stuff -- stalking, threats of violence to self/others, etc. -- really freaks me out. It sounds like psychosis or something.



Delineate said:


> I don't think anyone thinks that way, there wouldn't be so many songs about getting over an ex if people believed you just stop loving someone because of a breakup. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean you need to act on them, and by falling in love with someone else you do lessen your feelings for the previous person by filling that gap that they caused. I don't see what monogamy/nonmonogamy has to do with it, polyamouros people presumably have breakups too. Gotta follow they rules: 1) don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling 'cause he's drunk and alone 2) don't let him in, you have to kick him out again 3) don't be his friend, you know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning; and if you're under him, you ain't getting over him


Tbh, I've never been sure what people mean about getting over an ex, unless it's just getting through the sadness over losing them. (Maybe I'm reading too much into all this stuff.) I agree that meeting someone else "fills the gap" but that gap's just loneliness for me. "I miss having someone to love, so I'm glad I have someone to love again." I've never needed to meet someone new so that I would stop thinking about someone old. Thinking about my exes makes me sad for a while at first, but then I tend to only remember the good times.

Poly people obviously break up, too, I just tend to associate certain kinds of things with monogamy. "One true love", "soulmates", obsessive jealousy, etc. That's the romantic ideal in our culture, isn't it? "You can't love me if you're still in love with them." I don't see why a person can't love more than one person at a time. I've done it plenty of times myself, though I've never acted on it, because I know it would hurt my partner.

Imagine if people applied that kind of thinking to friends or parents or ... well, just about anything. "One true hobby", "Soulparents", "You can't love pizza if you love wings". It just seems really illogical to me. (Though, yeah, emotions aren't rational.) I just feel like everyone else can see something I can't. Maybe I'm just really stupid or dead inside or something.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Delineate said:


> No it's not just sadness, they have to get over the love that's still lingering too. That's why it's so hard to stay broken up, why usually when someone cheats it's with their ex, why you get the drunk 2am "I still love you come over" calls. Love and sex are obviously far more emotionally intense than a friendship or eating a pizza, they leave a permanent mark on your soul, and the level of intimacy/openness is far more than your other relationships. I don't see how loving more than one person at a time is even possible unless it's a shallow "I love your body" or "I love the feelings you give me" type of way.


Plenty of people have left a "permanent mark on my soul", but people keep telling me I'm shallow. Well, I'm happy to learn how to be more loving, because there's nothing I love more than loving people. It's all I live for. I'd love to learn how to be jealous, too, because I feel like I'm missing out on something. And just to be clear it's not the sex I crave (though that's nice) but the intimacy. I have no interest in ONSs or casual FWBs type things. I'm all about the polyfidelity.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

Myosr said:


> I'm probably on the extreme, but it took me a little over two years to _start _"getting over" my ex, and I'm not sure I'm 100% over her even after 5 years. But it was a very dysfunctional relationship, so I'm not sure if a "normal" relationship would've left me that way.
> 
> During the relationship, she'd "break up" with me (in quotes), and send me something about how she's self-harming. She'd block me on some accounts, but never on everything. She'd tell me later that she didn't really mean it. So it was incredibly confusing. I used to do things I never would've done if I wasn't pressured to do them. When she really broke up with me, my brain couldn't really process what was happening, because it had sort of removed that option. I knew the relationship was dysfunctional, but I was told (sometimes explicitly) that if I left she would die, and there was no way I could live with that. I clearly remember thinking that I'd rather die than leave her.
> 
> ...


That sounds like a real head trip. I've never had anyone pull that kind of thing on me*, and I think it's a really terrible thing to do to a person. Try to make them feel responsible for your happiness and your life. Tbh, that's one of the things I don't like about the Monogamous Mindset (TM, as perceived by me): it almost seems like people want to have that kind of power over other people. Like if anyone else makes their partner happy it's a horrible, painful experience for them.

I think part of the problem when talking about relationships is that there's really an infinite diversity. It's like talking about animals. Some of them are too small to see with the naked eye, and others can swallow you whole, so it's sort of hazardous to generalize about them. Maybe I've just been lucky enough to avoid relationships that led to those kinds of self/other entanglements.

* Though my ex-wife was abusive (verbally, financially, and sometimes physically) and liked to try to humiliate me in front of other people. She was furious when I asked for the divorce, and told me at one point toward the end that her dad (who was also violently abusive and used to be a blacksmith and tear phonebooks apart with his bare hands and all that other manly stuff) told her that he was going to kill me if he ever saw me again. Fortunately, I haven't run into him yet, lol.


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## Huey (Oct 3, 2017)

I’ve never asked someone I’ve dated how many partners they’ve had. It’s not something I have ever found myself wondering, though I also recognize it’s something I’d rather not know once they’ve volunteered that information. 

The people I’ve been with have all been pretty inexperienced so I don’t think it’s the number that really bothers me. 

I’m just a finicky human being in that I have rules of engagement backed by neither rhyme nor reason.


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