# I feel like throwing my life away.



## Locut0s

I'm 30 years old, living at home off my parents, had social anxiety and depression my whole life. Been in and out of university now 5 or 6 times. The pattern is I do really well then get overwhelmed and quit. I've worked retail jobs for about 5 years interspersed between the periods of school. There was a very good stretch as assistant manager of a 711, although my success there was largely due to the people I was working with and not the job.

I've been on one SSRI / SNRI or another for years now with varying degrees of success. Seen a psychiatrist and a counsellor with little success.

I'm back in school again because I don't see any other way out of this life, I don't wish to work retail my whole life and as much as I'd like to I can't find the "hide at home" section in the classifieds, this despite spending at least 2 or more years of my life hiding at home at different periods.

I did well in my first semester as usual, 91% GPA. But 2nd semester is with a different crowed of people, not friendly, more competitive, can't make friends like last semester. The material is harder so I have to actually study this time and the depression makes that very hard, can't concentrate.

Last week or so I've come home and cried my eyes out every day for 1/2 hour then had to sleep more to get some energy back just to even look at my work.

I want to throw my life away. I guess I'm not actively suicidal though I've been gaining way too much weight and eating ****, wouldn't surprise me if I had a heart attack. I can picture myself as a street alcoholic.

One solution might be to get a job as a janitor or something but given my potential that's also sort of throwing my life away.

I'm soo tired of this life. Getting up each day is a struggle.


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## cavemanslaststand

What are you studying? Perchance (nobody seems to say that word any more 'perchance' in the U.S. so thought I would type it) we 30-somethings can still discuss some college subjectomundos and help keep your motivations up.

I'm also having trouble getting up every day, so I'm trying really hard to find some semblance of a get up and go motivating cause [not named baby cheesus] and it's getting progressively very difficult to get excited/passionate about anything as everything feels like a bloody chore.

I'm hoping spring cleaning can arrive soon [after the the winter fidgets are over] so I can start cleaning up and feel some renewal.


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## forex

"I'm soo tired of this life. Getting up each day is a struggle."

^
i agree with this, feel the same.
and am almost 30 too, and problems are piling up.


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## Locut0s

cavemanslaststand said:


> What are you studying? Perchance (nobody seems to say that word any more 'perchance' in the U.S. so thought I would type it) we 30-somethings can still discuss some college subjectomundos and help keep your motivations up.
> 
> I'm also having trouble getting up every day, so I'm trying really hard to find some semblance of a get up and go motivating cause [not named baby cheesus] and it's getting progressively very difficult to get excited/passionate about anything as everything feels like a bloody chore.
> 
> I'm hoping spring cleaning can arrive soon [after the the winter fidgets are over] so I can start cleaning up and feel some renewal.


Thanks for the reply!

I'm studying computer science. Basically mostly programming. Before when I went to university I did mostly mathematics and a few other science courses. My man areas of my interest are science, math, and computers.

Despite being still interested in these subjects I haven't felt really passionate about ANYTHING in a couple of years, like I used to be.

Here's to the two of us.


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## Locut0s

forex said:


> "I'm soo tired of this life. Getting up each day is a struggle."
> 
> ^
> i agree with this, feel the same.
> and am almost 30 too, and problems are piling up.


The older I get the more pathetic my excuses seem to be for not taking any action.


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## cavemanslaststand

Locut0s said:


> Thanks for the reply!
> 
> I'm studying computer science. Basically mostly programming. Before when I went to university I did mostly mathematics and a few other science courses. My man areas of my interest are* science, math, and computers*.
> 
> Despite being still interested in these subjects I haven't felt really passionate about ANYTHING in a couple of years, like I used to be.
> 
> Here's to the two of us.


Perfect! Despite being a borderline geezer, I still am somewhat sharp and disciplined at psuedoscience, mathemechatronics, and compubiochemonics.

Whether your programming languages be c--, jave the hut, nexttran, cflat, pastcal, or cobalt, we'll talk up a storm!


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## bn4now

I can kind of relate to this. But my situation and circumstances are a little different. One thing I do believe and DO, is dare to do something different. I was overweight until my late twenties then I basically went vegetarian. I don't go around preaching to people but I think eating better does make a big difference. 

I do think that sometimes life sucks and is hopeless, but while I am here, I might as well do something. I guess I choose to see meaning in my life even if no one else does. Sometimes it feels so lonely, but for some reason I keep going. What will I do in the future? Who will care for me if I get old and sick? Will I be able to support myself in the coming years? Who knows. Maybe I should have plans about how to deal with whatever is coming up later in life. But right now I don't. I'm over forty and still trying to grow up.


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## FairleighCalm

I used to feel that way. I hope you'll take a meditation course. If there is a yoga shop near you check it out. Usually ppl who lead meditation and or yoga have seen ppl heal, calm and center from meditation and breathing and living in the present moment. you're too smart to believe your ego about throwing your life away.


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## CeilingStarer

cavemanslaststand said:


> Perfect! Despite being a borderline geezer, I still am somewhat sharp and disciplined at psuedoscience, mathemechatronics, and compubiochemonics.
> 
> Whether your programming languages be c--, jave the hut, nexttran, cflat, pastcal, or cobalt, we'll talk up a storm!


LOL at the gags!


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## Sheeshle

Being overwhelmed is completely energy sapping. Your GPA is great so congratulations there. What do you want to use your degree for? I am just finishing up my PhD in zoology/ animal physiology and I have felt completely overwhelmed at times where crying was the only relief (or dropping out) and I would not have gotten through that if I didn't know exactly why I was doing this PhD. I know you are still in the early stages of your degree but if you just have a dream job in mind then it will help a great deal. I lecture as well (at uni, not just on here hehe) and I can say with confidence that students with no overall goal (although I hate that term as it is used far too much these days, but you get what I mean) in mind will always be the ones to drop out.


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## totalloner

OP

I add my support to you for what it is worth. I feel what you're going through. Better not to be hard on yourself when you fall. A girlfriend would be a bonus I think or some kind of personal coach to be there when you fall. In my serious Christian phase, God did help , I must admit. (whether he was real or I just created him myself I don't know ) I'm into Buddhism now, hoping that will solve a few mental problems. Like you, when the pressure is on, I'm at my worst. And that pressure comes mostly from my imagination.
But that job stability problem is a thing I really struggle with too. So hopefully both of us can hang in there. 
Here's an idea..seen the old Rocky movie? Play that soundtrack/theme song or Eye of the Tiger. Play it on the way to work. See the funny side of you running up the stairs, "rocky's strong now" or "eye of the tiger". Humour has helped me some and music too.

Oh and apply it to your study too I guess.


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## millenniumman75

Locut0s said:


> Thanks for the reply!
> 
> I'm studying computer science. Basically mostly programming. Before when I went to university I did mostly mathematics and a few other science courses. My man areas of my interest are science, math, and computers.
> 
> Despite being still interested in these subjects I haven't felt really passionate about ANYTHING in a couple of years, like I used to be.
> 
> Here's to the two of us.


A fellow CS major.
Yeah, it was stressful and anxiety-prone. I would have handled it differently if I knew then what I knew now.

I would look into going for a walk with headphones or something to relieve stress and get the heart rate up. Actually, tonight I substituted a six-mile run with a 45-minute driveway shoveling after eight inches of snow sat out all day. It was hard to keep wanting to finish - depression! - but I did it.

When we relieve the anxiety with exercise, it doesn't have the chance to fuel the depression, so it can alleviate that, too.

And there is no shame in living with your parents, especially in this economy. It turned out to be the most important time with my dad. I lost him in 2007 (at 31 1/2). Looking back, it was a blessing that I WAS at home to be with him. I think he feared losing the connection with his two sons.


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## Nads

Not to be a debbie downer but I recommend you pick something in the computer field to concentrate on like becoming a sysadmin, databases, web programming etc... Computer science is a waste of time. It's the equivalent of an English or liberal arts degree in the computer world.


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