# Lost My Job Due to Anxiety - Feeling like a Failure



## MistMoon (Jan 6, 2016)

This kind of needs a lot of backstory so I'll just dive right in. 

Six months ago, my best friend (also now roommate) got a new job at a middle school as a secretary, while I was working full-time as a Customer Service Representative. My Customer Service job paid crap, and we wanted to move out and get out own place. Her old job, which was as an admin assistant to the Director of Critical Care at a hospital, was only part-time due to budget cuts at the hospital. She decided to try to pull some strings to get me her old job at the hospital. That way, with the combined salary of her school job and me working two jobs, we'd have enough for rent, bills, etc.

I remember my friend absolutely hated the hospital job when she first started, because the job itself was completely disorganized and basically left her sitting around with nothing to do. So she began making things up as she went, getting things organized and basically 'making' the job herself since even her boss didn't even know what she was doing. In fact, much of the job was keeping the boss organized, scheduling appointments for her, keeping track of employee evals, etc. 

So fast-forward about three years and everyone at the hospital loves my friend, especially her boss, who she shares an office with. Her boss cried when she had to leave. SHE was devastated when she had to leave, because everyone there became her work family. She convinced her boss to hire me, even though her boss was reluctant to do so. I was really grateful and happy my friend got me this opportunity, and was excited by the thought of starting a new job and still keeping the one I was used to part-time. I would be working as a secretary for the hospital 3 days a week. 

On a side-note, I'm a painfully shy person and have trouble getting comfortable socially in new workplace. I was afraid I wouldn't live up to the standards my friend had set, and suddenly wished I could have a job where someone I knew DIDN'T know had the position before me. I found my boss intimidating and was afraid to ask her questions. Sometimes she would get snappy when I asked a question, or let out resigned sigh of defeat when I made a stupid mistake. 

But I tried to focus on the things I was good at - writing, reading, and typing. I felt proud when I felt I did a good job with something, even when it wasn't anything major. But I still struggled with the major parts of the job - fixing timecards, keeping up with monthly evaluations for the different departments, and taking meeting minutes (I had no previous experience with medical terminology. Keeping up with what the doctors were saying was difficult when I didn't understand the jargon). 

As a result, my first 3-Month evaluation was not that great. My boss and I sat down, and discussed room for improvement, and I was told that my probation was to be extended by three more months. I realized that the little accomplishments I felt proud of had been ignored, so they weren't really that big of a deal to begin with. I was also told that I didn't use critical thinking, that I needed too much instruction and guidance when doing my job. I was also told that I make mistakes when I assume I'm doing something right, and should have asked my boss for help before acting (Here's where I got confused: I was being told to ask for help, but also that I needed too much instruction as to what to do). 

Although that bad eval should have motivated me to try harder, I found that I became twice as anxious since then and made even more mistakes, even when checking over my work multiple times. I second-guessed myself and took too long to get things done. I struggled to prioritize tasks, and the timecard system, which I was having difficulty grasping, left me almost in tears every Monday morning. The mistakes increased in number, minor or major. I turned to turn to my friend for help with the worst of it, but understandably it was on me to do the job right. 

As this was happening, there were constant budget cuts to the hospital by our governor. Lay-offs and pay cuts became common, leaving both the employees and administration feeling resentful and stressed. Bad vibes all around. 

I began to dread waking up every morning to go to that job. I could be in a wonderful mood in the morning, but would clock out feeling so depressed. I felt even worse when my friend told me, "Don't worry about it, that job is a joke, it's so unbelievably easy that you'll be so bored and won't know what to do with yourself!" Here I was, struggling so much with an easy job. 

3 more months fly by. I know I hadn't improved that much, and as my second-eval approached I became more and more anxious. My boss was very distant with me the morning of my eval, which was March 30th, and had me call in someone for an interview (calling people for interviews was also my job) whose experience was eerily similar to mine. But I didn't think anything of it. Finally, with a tone of finality she tells me that we're going downstairs to Human Resources, which I KNOW is not good. No one has their evals in Human Resources. 

The Human Resources lady, who is new because the old one quit, politely and cheerfully told me that they're unfortunately ending my employment. My boss, who was also in the room, looked regretful, and told me that she thought after six-months I would get it by now, and it was a very hard decision to make. I was instructed to pack my things right then and there, turn in my badge, and not to say goodbye to my co-workers as I left because it would "make them uncomfortable". I asked them if they would allow me to put "resigned" on my records instead of "fired" so I have a better chance of getting another job, and they agreed, luckily. Then, once I left, I just cried and cried for hours.

I am now working part-time as a Customer Service Rep at my other job, since they will no longer give me full-time because they know I am looking for employment elsewhere. But thank God they allowed me to stay and gave me more hours...or else I would be without a job and bills to pay. That's the only good thing about the situation. 

So currently, I've been lucky enough to get multiple interviews since being fired. But my confidence has been so badly shaken since being let go, and I'm constantly worried that I'll screw up all over again with a new job. I feel so humiliated that I messed up the 'joke' job, a job that my best friend considered the easiest job she'd ever had. I feel like if I can't even manage that, I must be a moron.

My friend was furious when I told her what happened. She said there were people who did so much worse than me and did things like parking in patient spaces, refusing to wear their scrubs, and going on facebook during work. But those people were tolerated and got to stick around because they had seniority. She also mentioned that her boss was probably racist, since she would often single out one of our black friends who works there (who is a super sweet guy and always does a good job). 

I did feel better knowing that a lot of my former co-workers were just as angry to see me let go so suddenly like that, because many of them contacted me with reassuring words. But I still feel like a giant failure. :crying:


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Man that sucks so much :/ I remember when i worked in fashion retail and every one seemed to pick things up easily and even when i felt i had improved, i was told otherwise. I also got very badly bullied by coworkers. I had to take a year off from work cos it shook me up so badly and even now im afraid of failing and being laughed at...


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