# Turn down dates?



## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

A lot of people here have mentioned not dating due to not having opportunities to meet people or, in the case of some guys, not having the nerve to ask a girl they like out. How many people here have been asked out on dates and turned the guy/girl down, not because you didn't like the person, but because you were afraid (SA)? This has happened to me. I haven't been asked out for an actual date (hit on a lot, tho) numerous times but several times, and I almost always would make an excuse not to go. Even if I like the guy and he's nice. It scares the crap out of me that he'll find out what I'm really like ( :afr ) and I'll be the one who gets hurt and humiliated. I've always been nice about it, but still typically turn them down. I've missed out on some really good guys, I believe, but can't help it. :hide I hate this. Anyone else turn dates down, other than not liking the guy/girl?


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## nakedshrew (Dec 5, 2004)

Yeah absolutely, I've also been on a couple of dates that I probably _should have_ turned down (as they were disastrous) but yeah one time a friend of mine was trying to set me up with a girl he knew. I liked her and she liked me but my anxiety was pretty bad then and it never happened, couldn't even go see a movie with her


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## Nyx (Nov 17, 2003)

Once or twice...I drive everyone away because I figure they won't like me anyway.


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## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

Nyx said:


> Once or twice...I drive everyone away because I figure they won't like me anyway.


 :agree I'd rather not let people get close to me, so they won't end up hurting me once they find out how pathetic I am.


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## Karla (Dec 26, 2005)

i do that all the time, not that i get asked out all the time but everytime i have, i say no. just cause i'm afriad once they've gone out with me they won't like me cause i can't hold out conversations or anything. i would prefer that they thought i was not interested rather than interested but dull.


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## Writer81 (Dec 19, 2005)

I don't usually turn down dates, because I hardly ever get asked. I'm a guy though and it seems in this society its almost always the responsibility of the guy to ask the girl out. Which is very, very hard for us guys with SA. 

But its scares me that girls would not go out with a guy they like simply because they are scared. It takes alot to ask a girl out and its hard to be rejected even if the girl does like you. Thats the problem with people with SA in that they send out very mixed or negative signals to people they might like. Yet then they send out the same signals to people they don't like. So its almost impossible to tell what they are thinking unless you can read minds. It's a miracle any of us ever find someone.


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

I generally try to avoid being asked out in the first place, and I'm sure I've been guilty of sending out mixed signals. I'm just kind of afraid of the whole date situation. Where will we go? What will we do? Will we have anything to talk about? What will I order? Should I offer to pay my half? What will I wear? The whole thing just makes me anxious.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Every time I've ever been asked out, I've turned them down.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Drella's_Rock_Follies said:


> Every time I've ever been asked out, I've turned them down.


Why so?


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

I'm a guy, so I don't get asked out much, but I've turned down a couple opportunities. I don't regret it. I just wasn't ready.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Noca said:


> Drella's_Rock_Follies said:
> 
> 
> > Every time I've ever been asked out, I've turned them down.
> ...


I don't really have an answer.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

I tend to not let them get to the point of asking me out. I'll pull away. And usually the most persistent ones are the players or the challenge guys so unfortunately that's what I end up with.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I often pushed aggressive girls away not that I didn't like them, but the fact that I didn't want to deal with the anxiety.

I wouldn't do that anymore.


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## Szattam (Nov 11, 2003)

Veggie1 said:


> It scares the crap out of me that he'll find out what I'm really like ( :afr ) and I'll be the one who gets hurt and humiliated.


That's a pity, I bet many of them would actually like you that much more once they got to know you... The whole point of initial dates is to see whether your personality would work with the other person's, if you find that you get along, great! If not, oh well. Don't worry about being humiliated, it's the guy's job to humiliate himself  
Too bad we assume things beforehand and end up killing all chances...


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I wish someone would ask me out, but its never happened :sigh


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> I tend to not let them get to the point of asking me out. I'll pull away. And usually the most persistent ones are the players or the challenge guys so unfortunately that's what I end up with.


That's an unfortunate vicious circle, y'know. . . You ought to pinpoint the ways you push guys away, and then stop doing that with the decent (non-aggressive, non-player) guys.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Yep. I sabotage every romantic opportunity I get. Guys, girls, it doesn't matter. As soon as I realize, "holy crap, I'm dating someone" I get THE FEAR. If I keep it at casual hook-up level I'm fine, but when they start to get too close I always push them away. I'm sick of it, but I don't know how to stop. Besides, dating is never fun for me. Once I'm seeing someone, I'm anxious 24/7- there's no enjoyment so what's the point?


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## Writer81 (Dec 19, 2005)

pyramidsong said:


> Yep. I sabotage every romantic opportunity I get. Guys, girls, it doesn't matter. As soon as I realize, "holy crap, I'm dating someone" I get THE FEAR. If I keep it at casual hook-up level I'm fine, but when they start to get too close I always push them away. I'm sick of it, but I don't know how to stop. Besides, dating is never fun for me. Once I'm seeing someone, I'm anxious 24/7- there's no enjoyment so what's the point?


I think maybe you just need to get to the point of being comfortable with the person and then that 24/7 anxiety will go away. I agree though that the first few dates can be very nervewracking and are not usually fun. For me I'm worrying if she likes me and what do next and all kinds of negative thoughts run through my mind. But my hope is to find that person that when we get past the intial nervousness, can become very comfortable with each other and then things will be great.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pyramidsong said:


> Yep. I sabotage every romantic opportunity I get. Guys, girls, it doesn't matter. As soon as I realize, "holy crap, I'm dating someone" I get THE FEAR. If I keep it at casual hook-up level I'm fine, but when they start to get too close I always push them away. I'm sick of it, but I don't know how to stop.


You need to give the guys a chance, pyramid. Please. There ARE some good guys out there, but you have to be willing to take a risk and expose yourself to the thing that you are afraid of (intimacy).

Don't worry about being perfect. If you're both real (which is the precondition for friendship and love), then both of you will talk about a lot of weaknesses (e.g., SA) as well as strengths. No big deal. Like I heard once, it's our imperfections that make us loveable. Perfect people aren't loveable.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Writer81 said:


> I agree though that the first few dates can be very nervewracking and are not usually fun.


See? That's why the idea of dating freaks me out. I'm also afraid of getting close to anyone, because I'd make myself vulnerable to rejection and emotional pain.


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## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

But that's just it, LittleZion, it's not about the guys/girls I'm dating. Most of them are lovely. So it's not about not giving *them* a chance. It's all in my own head. I guess my belief is that I need to fix my problems somewhat on my own before I let someone in, because I've seen people try to find what they lack in themselves in other people in the mistaken belief that a relationship will solve their problems. It leads to unhealthy co-dependence. I suppose I feel that I need to be fulfilled on my own before I can give my all to a relationship. Does that make sense?


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## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

Writer81 said:


> I don't usually turn down dates, because I hardly ever get asked. I'm a guy though and it seems in this society its almost always the responsibility of the guy to ask the girl out. Which is very, very hard for us guys with SA.


I've read (various articles) that many guys would like to be asked out but also that society views females as being kind of ****ty if she does the asking or is aggressive.

This seems so odd to me in this day and age that that attitude prevails like it does. When my older brother was in his teens and we both lived at home, hardly a day went by that a girl didn't call him, and there was a variety of girls. That was over 35 years ago! It really surprises me. :stu

About 11-12 years ago, I asked a guy out that I knew most of my life because he was the brother of a childhood friend, but he and I weren't friends. I'd been running into him at bars and he was always hitting on me. I called him one day when I was upset about something (not related to him) and asked him out but he declined, stating he was living with a girlfriend. :fall He had been making passes at me just days or a couple weeks before I called. That kind of put a crimp into me asking a guy out again, since it was hard for me, as a female, and I knew he was attracted to me, and it still blew up in my face. :flush I'd say that experience helped increase my fear of dating.


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## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

> That's a pity, I bet many of them would actually like you that much more once they got to know you... The whole point of initial dates is to see whether your personality would work with the other person's, if you find that you get along, great! If not, oh well. Don't worry about being humiliated, it's the guy's job to humiliate himself
> Too bad we assume things beforehand and end up killing all chances...


Thanks Szattam but I just don't know if that would be the case. :stu



> I wish someone would ask me out, but its never happened


Lonelyguy,

Like the ladies here say, you're a good-looking guy. I remember which one you are because of your signature, which stands out. Do you put yourself into situations/places where you can meet women? Maybe the women feel too intimidated to ask you out. You have nothing to worry about regarding your looks. Really.


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

I turned down two boys when I was a teenager because I didn't like them. I think they must have told the entire male race about it because I haven't been asked out since.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

LittleZion said:


> That's an unfortunate vicious circle, y'know. . . You ought to pinpoint the ways you push guys away, and then stop doing that with the decent (non-aggressive, non-player) guys.


 I have. I haven't turned away a nice guy since college. I also haven't met a nice guy since college. I would consider it if I did meet a decent person but my experience with men tells me to stay as far away as possible. It's better to be alone than to be treated the way I have been treated by every man in the past 5 years.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

meep.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

I don't know, I've gotten to the point at 25 where I rather be fearful and anxious but with somebody willing to give them and myself a shot, then alone and super defensive, sabotoging any romantic relationships.

I didn't always feel this way, but every man or woman has their breaking point where they say **** it.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

I've never been asked out. Girls have shown no interest in me whatsoever...


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Wow, same time post.


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## Otoko (Mar 4, 2006)

I have a friend of mine that is being pursued by a guy and mentioned she had no interest in him. She asked the best way to turn him down. To me, nipping it quickly and being honest was the best method, and I suggested it as I know I appreciate that.

She didn't like that answer.

I asked why she didn't want to date him. Apparently she didn't like the fact he was too nice a guy; which pretty much, according to her definition, boiled down to a doormat. She pointed out how I was at least willing to tell her she was wrong once in a while, how I was assertive.

Now while usually I don't have much of a clue in on the ways of the women folk, I immediately sensed where this was going.

She asked me out. 
I told her I appreciated the offer, but felt it wouldn't work out. I pointed out how assertiveness can actually be taught, and is a trait I'm still learning about and the person interested in her can learn it as well in time. At one point in my life I behaved much like the person interested in her, another friend backed up such negative traits....perhaps a little too well.

She lamented she still didn't know what to do. 
She was however ok, after I asked, with the honest rejection I gave her. I rolled my eyes and pointed out *I had just turned her down* and perhaps this method could be something along the lines of what she would like to employ.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

The biggest concern to me is SA and the explanation of it -- I feel it just complicates the hell out of things. To drag someone unknowingly into that is not something I would want to do, and the thought of having to blurt all this out upfront terrifies me even more.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> LittleZion said:
> 
> 
> > That's an unfortunate vicious circle, y'know. . . You ought to pinpoint the ways you push guys away, and then stop doing that with the decent (non-aggressive, non-player) guys.
> ...


I wonder why you haven't met a nice guy since college. I'm guessing you just keep yourself so isolated and distant from people (men especially) that they don't have a chance.

I agree it's better to be alone than abused. Do you ever see yourself taking the chance to fall in love again? (sorry if that's too personal, just say so)


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pyramidsong said:


> But that's just it, LittleZion, it's not about the guys/girls I'm dating. Most of them are lovely. So it's not about not giving *them* a chance. It's all in my own head. I guess my belief is that I need to fix my problems somewhat on my own before I let someone in, because I've seen people try to find what they lack in themselves in other people in the mistaken belief that a relationship will solve their problems. It leads to unhealthy co-dependence. I suppose I feel that I need to be fulfilled on my own before I can give my all to a relationship. Does that make sense?


Oh, I see. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I think it's a great idea to work on yourself before you get into a relationship.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

LittleZion said:


> I wonder why you haven't met a nice guy since college. I'm guessing you just keep yourself so isolated and distant from people (men especially) that they don't have a chance.
> 
> I agree it's better to be alone than abused. Do you ever see yourself taking the chance to fall in love again? (sorry if that's too personal, just say so)


That's probably a good part of it. It's been mentioned before that women with SA have a "stay away" vibe about them and they are less likely to be approached, especially by nice guys.

I have some pretty serious trust issues now and I live in a city where it's more likely than not that the people I meet are not decent people. So right now, I don't see myself opening up again but you never know.

And just like pyramidsong, I feel that I need to do a lot of work on myself.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> LittleZion said:
> 
> 
> > I wonder why you haven't met a nice guy since college. I'm guessing you just keep yourself so isolated and distant from people (men especially) that they don't have a chance.
> ...


That's really interesting, about women with SA giving out a "stay away" vibe. I've never heard that before, but it makes a lot of sense. I know, as a man, I give out a "stay away" vibe. People at work are always assuming I want my office door closed (which I usually do, but hey).

I totally support working on yourself. I did that a lot, and ... well, I'm divorced, but hey! shut up! I'm working on it! :stu

If you're living in a bad section of NYC, yeah, stay safe. I visited a section of Queens once, for two days, and that was enough to sour me on all of NYC.


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Oh no, I live in a safe part of town LZ. A very safe part of town in fact. The majority of people in NYC are just not "nice" people. Everyone is dysfunctional and most people play games.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> Oh no, I live in a safe part of town LZ. A very safe part of town in fact. The majority of people in NYC are just not "nice" people. Everyone is dysfunctional and most people play games.


Interesting. The people I've met from NYC have been success-oriented: status-conscious and very self-centered. I like some of them, but I don't trust them much, so I see what you mean about that.

Do you plan to move to a friendlier place in the country some day?


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## pixiedust (Aug 11, 2005)

Possibly LZ. I've been thinking about it more lately. My life is here though so it's hard to pick up and leave.


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## On the way (Feb 9, 2006)

pixiedust said:


> Possibly LZ. I've been thinking about it more lately. My life is here though so it's hard to pick up and leave.


Ok. I hope you can get out someday. It sounds pretty barren.


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## persephone88 (May 17, 2006)

veggie 1,
I do the same exact thing. i hope we both overcome this. and i am loving your animal love. i have just became a vegetarian about a year ago. i love elephants too.


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## missnat84 (Dec 31, 2004)

I've had crushes on a couple of guys in my teens who even asked me out but my anxiety got in the way as usual and i walked away. 

I hate to have regrets but my life is filled with them :rain


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

I've never been asked, but if I were I'd be torn between saying yes or no. On one hand I'd be a fool to pass up an opportunity like that, but on the other hand, I'd be deathly anxious and afraid and would probably screw it up anyways.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

ColdFury said:


> I've never been asked, but if I were I'd be torn between saying yes or no. On one hand I'd be a fool to pass up an opportunity like that, but on the other hand, I'd be deathly anxious and afraid and would probably screw it up anyways.


Yeah. Even if I were asked out (hahaha) I'd almost surely say no. A date, to me, seems like a lot of work and a horribly anxiety provoking situation to put myself through for nothing.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Zephyr said:


> ColdFury said:
> 
> 
> > I've never been asked, but if I were I'd be torn between saying yes or no. On one hand I'd be a fool to pass up an opportunity like that, but on the other hand, I'd be deathly anxious and afraid and would probably screw it up anyways.
> ...


That's how I feel. I suppose I should feel fortunate that I have been asked out, but I have never accepted an invitation. It seems like absolute hell. There is no way I could feel comfortable in that situation. I feel certain that I will never be asked out again, so it doesn't really matter.


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