# fear of ending up alone



## Loriannie (Apr 27, 2010)

I ended my marriage of 22 years last summer. It was probably the best decision I ever made, he was not a good husband, or father to my kids. It took me several years to do it because of this big fear, I'm so afraid I will never meet anyone else because of my SA. I just don't know how, and I don't really have friends to ask to help me meet people or go out with. 
My mom divorced my dad about 20 years ago, and she is still single, and very lonely, I'm afraid I'm going to end up like that and don't want to. 
Do any of you know how to go about meeting other single people at this age? And then, once you do, how do you act and what do you tell them about your SA?! 
I hate this situation, it's not that I feel like I need a man, I can support myself and I have family, I just want someone to share life with (well, and do other stuff with too!)
anyone else with this problem?
Lori


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## VagueResemblance (Apr 17, 2010)

When I figure it out I'll tell you....I'm ten years younger but worry about this a lot, too.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

I've never been married. Never even had a real gf. I've only had sex with hookers a few times. I used to want to be with someone. But I have found that I like being alone - being able to do what i want when I want without answering to anyone. I used to have a cat for company. He died last summer. I finally found another cat who needed a home. Cats make good company.

Oh yes - my age. I have been frozen at age 39 for several years. So just hang on for a few years and being on your own will seem natural.


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## Loriannie (Apr 27, 2010)

lol! well that answer was freaking hilarious!!! Cat lady Lori - I can just see it now, glad someone has a sense of humor anyway (you were joking, right? I have nothing against cats..........)


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## Ysonesse (Dec 25, 2009)

I spent years being with the wrong men just so I wouldn't end up alone. Yet, at the end of the road, guess what happened? Yep, irony's an evil creature...

To be honest, I don't know how much my desire not to be alone was driven by fears for my future. I was raised to believe that I wasn't capable of living on my own because of my disability, so it was forced into my brain that I needed a man to take care of me. Well, God or Whoever created a woman utterly incapable of attracting a stable man that might consider taking care of said woman emotionally and financially. That's why I'm 36, with a poor job history, and nothing to look forward to after my parents die other than...well, you figure it out.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Loriannie said:


> lol! well that answer was freaking hilarious!!! Cat lady Lori - I can just see it now, glad someone has a sense of humor anyway (you were joking, right? I have nothing against cats..........)


Joking about what? I would have been the real 40 yo virgin if I hadn't frozen my age at 39. That was such a good idea. Not mine - borrowed from Jack Benny. I belive Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin. I wonder if he had cats.


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## Loriannie (Apr 27, 2010)

Omg Scarpia, I am so sorry. I really had no intention of insulting you, or anyone else with that comment. I really didn't want to hurt your feelings at all, please forgive me for being a freakin idiot, I should have known better.
Lori


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## OregonMommy (Mar 3, 2010)

I've had this fear of ending up alone. I think about what if something would happen to my hubby and I'd be alone. Because, like you, I don't have a life full of friends. Some one told me 'you can always find a church'. This is true, for some people. people in church can be a support, a lifeline. I'm not religious, and not churchy.
But then I think there are plenty of women (and men) who stay single later in life and they are perfectly happy. They have their interests, outside hobbies where they connect with people. You said you don't really need a man, that right there may give you an answer. Or you may find him when you're not looking! Matter of fact, that happened with me & my hubby. Other people have said that too. It sounds like maybe some of your fear comes from seeing your mom being lonely? If this is true, it may be different for you than your mom. One can be alone but not lonely. And I know this may sound silly, but pets can be really great companions.


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## Loriannie (Apr 27, 2010)

I think the biggest part of it is that I'm afraid of ending up like my mom, she has social anxiety so bad she can't even talk to men - at all.
I am not the church type either, I'm an atheist, and I think that scares people away sometimes, and I tell myself I need to go out and take some classes and find a hobby, but I'm too scared to do it, afraid I won't be accepted into a group or that I will be judged by them. 
I would love to have some romance back in my life, and sex too. But I think mostly I want someone to talk to and confide in when I get home from work and someone to do things with. Maybe it doesn't have to be a man, but I'd like to have someone to grow old with too. 
I do have pets, 2 dogs and a cat, and 3 kids too, but the relationships are just not the same. I love them, and I'm not really lonely, just afraid of being alone, my kids are getting older, the oldest on is in college, the 2nd one will be starting this fall, and the youngest is a teenager. I know they will all be starting their own lives soon. 
It's just all pretty scary when I think about the future.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Loriannie said:


> Omg Scarpia, I am so sorry. I really had no intention of insulting you, or anyone else with that comment. I really didn't want to hurt your feelings at all, please forgive me for being a freakin idiot, I should have known better.
> Lori


Don't sweat it sweetie. I got no job. I got no family. I got plenty o' nothing, but nothin's plenty for me.


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## livinginfear (Jan 31, 2009)

I'm alone with kids and dogs. Getting to know people, particularly men, is such a brutal experience for someone with as severe a case of SA as I have, that I don't foresee ever having a relationship again. Though my youngest professes that she'll live with me forever, it wouldn't be fair to hold her to that so it's likely I'll find myself alone some day with just my canine companions. I think if I had a good friend or two my own age for company, I'd be good. Since my husband died, I do miss having companionship and someone to do things with, especially since there's very little I'll do alone; but on the other hand, I do enjoy the freedom of being able to be weird without witnesses, i.e. hiding from the UPS man, having a panic attack about walking alone to the store across the street, that kind of stuff.


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## NicoShy (Jun 11, 2009)

I fear being alone and losing my boyfriend eventually. As I have not cultivated any friends or group interests. When he leaves I will literally be ALONE>. No pets, family or anything, just a job and empty place. Its scary and unbearable. How does a person my age 41 begin to develop life long friends. I am also afraid of being rejected in groups...


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## marc72 (May 1, 2010)

*alone*

here is my opinion. To the original poster and others that gave their views of peronal fears of being alone, I am a male 38 and I will say that perhaps you need a plan of action.

1. look for anxiety groups in your town or get recommendation from your therapist
2. dating sites and you dont have to be specific but you can mention that you are "shy" 
3. go to places alone like museums, festivals, or places of interest to get your mind of stressful thinking, movies in the daytime etc.... to inspire you.

sounds easy but it's hard but heck maybe you might meet someone here. it's sad that people want to be loved and cared for but I am hoping this board or other anxitety forums would be a good place to start but not easy from what I am seeing.

heck im single and looking so..........


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Loriannie said:


> Maybe it doesn't have to be a man, but I'd like to have someone to grow old with too.


Consider opening your romantic life to women as well? Would provide more options.


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## cinammon (Mar 18, 2010)

Loriannie said:


> I ended my marriage of 22 years last summer. It was probably the best decision I ever made, he was not a good husband, or father to my kids. It took me several years to do it because of this big fear, I'm so afraid I will never meet anyone else because of my SA. I just don't know how, and I don't really have friends to ask to help me meet people or go out with.
> My mom divorced my dad about 20 years ago, and she is still single, and very lonely, I'm afraid I'm going to end up like that and don't want to.
> Do any of you know how to go about meeting other single people at this age? And then, once you do, how do you act and what do you tell them about your SA?!
> I hate this situation, it's not that I feel like I need a man, I can support myself and I have family, I just want someone to share life with (well, and do other stuff with too!)
> ...


I am 43 and when my father passes, I will be alone. I have no children and am single. I go to church but it doesnt help because I am known for being "too quiet" so that is a turnoff for many people. I also go to school at night and I meet people but have met no good friends. I used to worry since I was a teenager that I was going to end up alone and when it happens, unless I meet someone, I will be alone and I will have to deal with it. One thing is for sure, you can't hide from it and you can't avoid it. The irony is that all of my life, I have never had a relationship where I had the security of a significant other, a boyfriend and I have dated and had a boyfriend for 3 months but other than that, that is it. I had a male friend that called for 2 years and he stopped, I guess I bored him LOL!!! But whatever happens, I will be alone and will deal with it, it will be better than being in an abusive relationship or in a relationship where a man cheats.


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## mbp86 (May 11, 2010)

I've never been in a relationship and I fear that I'll end up being the real life 40 year old virgin (This was also my 40th post, wow).


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## KittyGirl (May 14, 2010)

I think I'm scared to be alone- since I've been abandoned over and over again; opened my heart to a man- then was abandoned again 8 years later...

I'm trying to convince myself that I *want* to be alone now, though.
I don't want to be loved- I don't want to be hated- I just want to disappear... and be by myself in a little bubble where no one else can hurt me.

People can be very fragile. I'm sure more people feel the same as I do


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## OregonMommy (Mar 3, 2010)

I'm afraid of ending up alone also sometimes because my husband is so much older than me, he'll go first, someday. But there is no crystal ball, no one knows what's going to happen.


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## hatepickingnames (May 14, 2010)

I went through that phase after my ex left me (because a series of bad surgeries messed me up physically and brought the mental stuff with it). But then I just started to not care about it anymore. I do not trust anyone to be there when I really need it because life has shown me they won't be. It was hard enough to find somebody I wanted to be around when I was whole but now that I am broken it's not realistic. I wish it were different sure...but as bad as I feel most of the time the last thing I need is the drama that comes along with trying to have a relationship. Nobody wants a broken person anyway so I don't bother.


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## ironheart (Aug 14, 2009)

It's funny but I don't think I would fear ending up alone if I could just find a way to be internally content.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

I dont so much fear being alone as I am now. I always worry that something will happen to change things though. Being sick, in an accident etc. I know my husband would never leave me for reasons like that but what if something happened to him? I know I am really reaching with this but that is what a mind like mine does, worry about things that not only havent happened but have little possibility of happening.


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## TRENNER (Sep 21, 2009)

Loriannie-

Hi. I can't lie to you and say it will be easy. Dating after 40 can and will be a royal pain in the @#$%--even for someone who doesn't have SA or has it under control. In our age range, you will have to kiss significantly more frogs to find that prince than when you were 20 years old or so.

On the positive side, there are still plenty of people who do successfully connect after age 40. I personally know a woman who only got married for the first time at age 59 and a man who only first got married at age 64( to different people). My wife was 43 and I was 44 when we married for the first time 3 years ago. 

So, to avoid being alone, you need to 1)work on your SA with a good therapist, 2)take good care of your body so you look nice--go to the gym regularly, etc., 3)focus in on those few available men over 40 who do have the right stuff for a committed relationship. Ask a man early on-- "what do you feel you learned from your past relationship experiences or lack thereof?" If he essentially sees himself as a victim of circumstance--e.g."it was all my ex-wife's fault" or "I just never met the right person"--he is likely trouble and don't waste time with him. 

Good luck. It won't be easy, but there still is reason to hope.


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## ktbare (Sep 13, 2009)

Yes I fear this very much too, probably also one of the reasons I stayed in a horrible relationship for 8 years. I knew that he would never leave me unless I left him so I guess it felt safe.


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## Enola (Dec 13, 2008)

Being alone doesn't bother me as much as not being able to forge new connections outside of my home. My job is pretty much my social life among a few other social interactions I may have. Even though I feel lonely on the weekend I know I will be around people all week and will have all the human contact I can stand. I do wonder what will happen when I retire. I don't even want to think about that yet.


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## herb the dolphin (Mar 26, 2010)

I think I will make a pact with myself that if I'm still completely alone by age 40 I'll take whatever money I have saved up, buy myself an around the world ticket or a boat or something, and keep traveling until I'm dead or something happens that makes me want to stop.

Part of me thinks I should just do this right now... but I think I would run out of money too quickly.


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## nbtxdude (Jun 20, 2010)

I've come to the realization that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone. I'm 37 now and I have no prospects to rectify the situation. But then again, I'm fairly sure my idiosyncrasies would drive any potential wife crazy.

So now I'm going to go and live my life and not care. Life is too short to wallow in self misery. As Herb the dolphin said in his past post, I'm tempted to do likewise. Live like there is no tomorrow.


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