# Do you the need to be constantly reminded that you're cared about and loved?



## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

Do you feel like you need to be reminded and constantly reassured that the people close to you really do care about you?

I do. And I hate it.

If my close friends and family don't say or do something that indicates that they care about me for a while, I always begin to doubt that they care about me anymore. I have always had this fear my entire life that people close to me will eventually "get sick of me" and not want to associate with me anymore, so I have a need to be reassured that they still care somehow whether it's by them saying that they do, or by some kind of gesture.

Does anyone else deal with this kind of issue?


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Thedood said:


> I have always had this fear my entire life that people close to me will eventually "get sick of me" and not want to associate with me anymore.


Story of my whole life. I feel like I care about everyone a lot more than they care about me, and that i'm basically disposable. Being reassured does very little, though. I wish I could completely change my personality so I wouldn't feel this way anymore.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> Story of my whole life. I feel like I care about everyone a lot more than they care about me, and that i'm basically disposable. Being reassured does very little, though. I wish I could completely change my personality so I wouldn't feel this way anymore.


I'm sorry you feel that way. I can really relate because I am the exact same way..

I care *too much* about people.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Yeah, I do too. Seems like i can become detached pretty easily when I don't see signs of love or being important to the other person. Either that, or I get mad.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

housebunny said:


> Yeah, I do too. Seems like i can become detached pretty easily when I don't see signs of love or being important to the other person. Either that, or I get mad.


That's another thing I always get the feeling of.. that I am not as important as I used to be to that person or I'm not important at all to them anymore.

I'm glad I'm not alone with this although I hate hearing that other people suffer through this like I do.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Thedood said:


> That's another thing I always get the feeling of.. that I am not as important as I used to be to that person or I'm not important at all to them anymore.


Yeah I have a friend right now who I felt extremely attached to and then she didn't call me back when I was really sick and now I kind of feel like she doesn't care about me anymore and I am drifting toward feeling more and more detached toward her.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

housebunny said:


> Yeah I have a friend right now who I felt extremely attached to and then she didn't call me back when I was really sick and now I kind of feel like she doesn't care about me anymore and I am drifting toward feeling more and more detached toward her.


It's things like what you said right there that definitely triggers those feelings for me. Some other people just aren't as considerate as I am or you are. If you friend knew how much it affected you and how important returning your phone call was, she would've likely have done it. But it's an issue with other people not really understanding combined with the fact that I don't talk about these feelings with any of them. (As I assume you don't either)


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

The reminders are nice... yes, I'm terrified of people getting sick of me, but that's what happens when that sort of experience repeats throughout your life. It's like developing a hatred of pineapples when pineapples make you throw up several times. You learn to seek reassurance, seek the signs that the tide is turning against you. So I constantly seek out some sign that at least one person isn't repulsed by me.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

minimized said:


> The reminders are nice... yes, I'm terrified of people getting sick of me, but that's what happens when that sort of experience repeats throughout your life. It's like developing a hatred of pineapples when pineapples make you throw up several times. You learn to seek reassurance, seek the signs that the tide is turning against you. So I constantly seek out some sign that at least one person isn't repulsed by me.


Exactly, it's all based on past traumatic experiences where people have just thrown me out of their lives as if I was a sack of garbage. These are people I cared about deeply. It hurts, and we need this reassurance to make sure you don't get hurt like that again.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Thedood said:


> Some other people just aren't as considerate as I am or you are. If you friend knew how much it affected you and how important returning your phone call was, she would've likely have done it. But it's an issue with other people not really understanding combined with the fact that I don't talk about these feelings with any of them. (As I assume you don't either)


Well in my particular case, she is actually much more considerate than I am. I'm just afraid she doesn't love me anymore because she hasn't called me, that she could just change her mind like that cause I did or said the wrong thing.



Thedood said:


> Exactly, it's all based on past traumatic experiences where people have j*ust thrown me out of their lives as if I was a sack of garbage*. These are people I cared about deeply. It hurts, and we need this reassurance to make sure you don't get hurt like that again.


I experienced that in my last relationship. I was much more attached to him and than he was to me. And I did feel thrown out like I was garbage, which pretty much devasted me for awhile. I am just now coming out of that. He was the only person I have ever been with who made me feel that way. Anyone else I have been with, I felt that I meant something to them.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

housebunny said:


> I experienced that in my last relationship. I was much more attached to him and than he was to me. And I did feel thrown out like I was garbage, which pretty much devasted me for awhile. I am just now coming out of that. He was the only person I have ever been with who made me feel that way. Anyone else I have been with, I felt that I meant something to them.


I know the feeling all too well. Happened to me a few years ago. Similar sitation. She meant the world to me and I apparently had zero value because she had no trouble just casting me out of her life completely. It took me a LONG time to recover. I know how awful and empty that makes a person feel so I'm glad to hear that you're starting to come out of it.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Thedood said:


> I know the feeling all too well. Happened to me a few years ago. Similar sitation. She meant the world to me and I apparently had zero value because she had no trouble just casting me out of her life completely. It took me a LONG time to recover. I know how awful and empty that makes a person feel so I'm glad to hear that you're starting to come out of it.


Thanks. Yeah it was pretty bad. I felt like he was 'the love of my life' so to speak but to him, I was just easily replaced. I think that boils down to the social anxiety too. He was extremely outgoing and had women practically throwing themselves at him all over the place. As soon as I stopped doing the things for him that were serving him (because I was starting to feel like that was what it was about for him) he dropped me. Nobody else has ever made me feel so worthless. I cried for at year straight.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

housebunny said:


> Thanks. Yeah it was pretty bad. I felt like he was 'the love of my life' so to speak but to him, I was just easily replaced. I think that boils down to the social anxiety too. He was extremely outgoing and had women practically throwing themselves at him all over the place. As soon as I stopped doing the things for him that were serving him (because I was starting to feel like that was what it was about for him) he dropped me. Nobody else has ever made me feel so worthless. I cried for at year straight.


There are very few things in life more painful than that. You invest all of your feelings, emotions and love onto a person that basically just ****s all over it as if it's insignificant. Took me about a year and change to get over it. I was mired in a deep depression and lost my will to live for a while. I made the mistake of giving her my everything, so after she decimated me, I was left with nothing and feeling absolutely worthless. I can imagine you feeling just about the same thing. It's a slow healing process, excrutiantingly slow, but it WILL pass. I'm living proof. I saw her again about 2 years later and I was almost disgusted by her, at that point, I wasn't sad or even angry about what she did, she was no longer a person I gave a **** about. You'll get there, I know it.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

Thedood said:


> I made the mistake of giving her my everything, so after she decimated me, I was left with nothing and feeling absolutely worthless.


Was she a narcissist? Yes that was pretty much what happened with me, too. I know it is my fault for investing so much of myself so fast. It's 'unhealthy behavior' right? I've actually been feeling a lot better about it just recently. Having others to connect with here helps quite a bit. I still hope I don't run into him when I go out.



minimized said:


> You learn to seek reassurance, seek the signs that the tide is turning against you.


Yeah! Exactly!


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## tooafraid (Nov 22, 2013)

Nothing feels worse than having nobody that cares about you. That feeling where you could be gone the next day and nobody would even care or know about it.


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## Ganos Lal (Nov 28, 2013)

Feel totally the same, just feels like every time some one wants me around its only to get me to do something, no one texts back or calls me first unless they want something. Just feel like no body can really be bothered with me or actually cares.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

housebunny said:


> Was she a narcissist? Yes that was pretty much what happened with me, too. I know it is my fault for investing so much of myself so fast. It's 'unhealthy behavior' right? I've actually been feeling a lot better about it just recently. Having others to connect with here helps quite a bit. I still hope I don't run into him when I go out.


I wouldn't call her a narcissist per se, just extremely inconsiderate. I do take part of the blame for investing too much of myself, but for someone who claimed to "love me" and "care about me" she sure seemed to easily just rid of me and completely throw me out of her life, even after explicitly telling me that she wouldn't.

But that's water under the bridge, that was a while ago.

Your wounds are still fresh, even if it's ben a year, so yeah, running into him will just open them all up again, so hopefully you won't. When someone hurts me that badly, I'd much rather never see them again. Hope you continue to feel better, just take it day by day.


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## alienbird (Apr 9, 2010)

YES! I relate to you all so much. Wow.

I need to know that you still want to talk to me or care about me... I need to know that I'm not bothering you... that you actually do like me. Even if you've told me before, I need to hear it again so I know. But no one ever reassures me, and I realize I'm just being insecure, but god... it's so hard to deal with these feelings. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong. I'm afraid people will tire of me... and leave. 

I'm afraid people's feelings will just switch off if I do or say something wrong. When I sense that people are behaving differently towards me, it causes me to shut down.

It's frustrating.


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## Kami E (Jun 11, 2013)

Grand said:


> YES! I relate to you all so much. Wow.
> 
> I need to know that you still want to talk to me or care about me... I need to know that I'm not bothering you... that you actually do like me. Even if you've told me before, I need to hear it again so I know. But no one ever reassures me, and I realize I'm just being insecure, but god... it's so hard to deal with these feelings. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong. I'm afraid people will tire of me... and leave.
> 
> ...


This is exactly my problem, and I'm realizing this is probably why some of my friendships (not all of them, but many) have failed, because I NEED this kind of reassurance. I suppose the other person gets tired of having to reassure me all the time and they eventually stop liking me. I wish I could get to the point of feeling really good about myself, and enjoy being by myself and having a 'take 'em or leave 'em' attitude about other people. Like many of you said I care way too much about other people and what they think. I wrote a dumb (badly written) thread having to do with this issue and facebook, and again I realised I'm so stuck worrying about others and what they think of me to think about myself. Who cares what others think? This need for reassurance comes from insecurity about ourselves I suppose. If there was a way to fill that void the insecurity occupies within us (and I don't know about you but for me, it's a HUGE void), we wouldn't need reassurance that others like us. We wouldn't care as much at any rate.


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

When I had real friends years and years ago, I felt cool with them because I could get them to laugh, and mostly fit in, and we had fun together...so I was alright and felt liked for the most part...with that group of friends.

Then I had another main group of "friends" in another town....bottom line most of them were not my friends.....and with them I was always seeking approval and acceptance, but never really got it

My family must feel I hate them or something....and in ways I do hate my parents....but that's a very complicated situation for me...and in general I wish them well, I've just removed myself from them as part of the way to cope with my crappy life.


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

The Irony is I am scared to show that *I* care about people , because I don't think they care about me... its one of those catch 22's. I think I do break down and screw it and just show my vulnerability more often now.


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## Thedood (Nov 27, 2013)

Grand said:


> YES! I relate to you all so much. Wow.
> 
> I need to know that you still want to talk to me or care about me... I need to know that I'm not bothering you... that you actually do like me. Even if you've told me before, I need to hear it again so I know. But no one ever reassures me, and I realize I'm just being insecure, but god... it's so hard to deal with these feelings. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong. I'm afraid people will tire of me... and leave.
> 
> ...


That's me. Word for word. It's as if I'm the one that just typed this.

Do any of you who deal with this find it difficult to tell other people you care about them? I find it impossible to tell someone I care about them and just sort of hope that my actions would dictate that to them so I won't actually have to say it in words. I feel like a hypocrite, I want to see reassured that I'm imporant and loved, but I can't express it to others myself.


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