# Do you ever feel like you're not a real person?



## lisbeth

This is going to sound really stupid, I know, but it's something I can't ever remember not feeling. Do you ever feel like you're not a real person? Like obviously you have thoughts and feelings and whatever and you exist in that sense, but you're somehow not complete and real in the way that other people are? Kind of a sketch outline.

I've seen other people talk about seeing themselves as being a protagonist in their life as if their life were a book, but I tend to feel more like the sidekick of the protagonist in a TV show, or maybe a supporting actress. The person who dips in and out of people's lives rather than having a life myself that people dip in and out of. I mean, life isn't like media anyway so don't take the comparison too seriously, but that's the level of importance I generally feel.

I feel like there's a huge separation/disconnect between the 'self' that's my consciousness and the 'self' that exists in the world, but I don't really feel like either of them is particularly valid.

IDK if any of this even makes sense. I'm pretty sure it all sounds ridiculous.

I'd just really like to hear that somebody out there feels the same way.


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## entangled

This was really well written OP and it has described my experiences as well, almost down to the last detail especially when you mentioned your friend. I feel like maybe that's why I no longer have any real close friends is because it almost made me feel worse, because like you said, I felt more like a side-kick, like I didn't really matter anyways. Like I could be any one. I never feel close to myself. I hardly care about anything. It's difficult for me to talk to people because 1) I have nothing to say 2) I have no hobbies that I really care about or am good at and 3) I seriously feel inhuman, unreal.


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## lisbeth

Really disgusted by how many times the OP mentions the words 'I', 'me', and 'feel'. How narcissistic. Gross.


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## Fooza

Perhaps the perception from other people's view on you and your perception about yourself is actually very similar, but the 'signal' is getting lost somewhere and that you interpret it totally different, in essence losing your identity in the process.

This reminds me of a time when I was much younger, and I'd really want to de-attach myself from reality, so sometimes I had this mindset that the world was all an 'act' and that everyone was an actor and I was the one being pranked. That death and all was just a story, oh how I'd wish that were true.


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## sunflower22

Fooza said:


> Perhaps the perception from other people's view on you and your perception about yourself is actually very similar, but the 'signal' is getting lost somewhere and that you interpret it totally different, in essence losing your identity in the process.
> 
> This reminds me of a time when I was much younger, and I'd really want to de-attach myself from reality, so sometimes I had this mindset that the world was all an 'act' and that everyone was an actor and I was the one being pranked. That death and all was just a story, oh how I'd wish that were true.


I use to think of myself as the actress! That everyone around me didn't know that I was some beautiful famous actress that in another place people thought I was the best thing ever. Sometimes I still do it, when im nervous, I pretend im like Marilyn Monroe waiting to be discovered in the ice cream shop.


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## Bluestar29

you guys need to stop watching too much TV/movies.


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## Umpalumpa

Everything seemed sometimes like sort of a dream in the sense that I have no idea where am I in all this mess, I sort of didn't feel my existence in a strong way and it made me to not really see anything beyond just my 'selfless' but most selfish feelings like you called it which were just trying to make other things work but never seeing myself as a part of it which was selfish by making distance between me and anything else.
It felt like seeing a sofa in a friend's house for example but the connection of me sitting on it comfortably didn't really exist, sort of seeing it but not seeing it.
Not seeing any potential in anything.

Too tired to check for grammar mistakes, or if what I wrote make sense in anyway what so ever, I connected those feelings that I had with just not being present in 'now'.


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## Spritz11

Sounds kinda like severe dissociation


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## Mindful Eyes

This sounds a lot like Depersonalization and maybe also Derealization. It does happen to people who experience anxiety disorders like Social Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder.

Does this describe your experience?


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## sunflower22

Being in the now is such a difficult thing for people to learn, I think atleast. With the hectic work school family bills whatever it maybe seems like we are always thinking about tomorrow next week ..to truly cherish the moment is so priceless


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## persona non grata

You might want to give these a skim.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

I suspect this is common for people with anxiety disorders. I've seen a few other posters here describe similar feelings, and I know I can definitely relate to them.

Edit: Actually, I just read the whole thread and see Mindful Eyes beat me to the links. It does sound more like depersonalization than derealization to me.


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## minimized

On here I don't feel real. I'm always surprised when someone confirms my existence.


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## Barette

This is part of why I have issues with my looks, because I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don't understand having a face most times, it's so strange to me. It's all so strange that this is how life has happened, it's all so strange that I was forced into this and now must continue on. I don't really have any idea of who I am because I change so much within the day. My face even changes depending on what personality I'm embodying (it's like having different egos based upon circumstance or mood, it almost doesn't feel like the same consciousness) I feel like Peter Sellers, in that way. If you read his quotes, he's probably going to be very relatable ("If you ask me to play myself, I will not know what to do. I do not know who or what I am." "When I look at myself I see a person who strangely lacks what I consider the ingredients for a personality.")

I mostly change based on who I'm with, too. In terms of close friends, who I am with K is totally different from who I am with R which is totally different than C which is totally different than my mom which is all kind of like who I am on here. What's worse is in each ego I'm convinced that is the TRUE one. And it's not a conscious effort, it's genuine in the moment, which is why it's so convincing to my mind. It's also why I have issues with being alive, I don't know how to be a person, a full one. How do you live life and do things if you aren't guaranteed the same consciousness each day? It's hard. It's difficult to explain. It's like the sun, it is the same light but it can cast different shadows or expose different crevices depending on the time of day.

Edit: What's terrible is the coming down from the mood switch, too. If I'm with a friend then I am someone else, but then I'm alone and revert back to my lonely self. It's not the same, it's not at all. With K I'll plan a trip and be excited and feel impulsive and do fun things, but then as soon as I'm alone I'm different. Those plans and that excitement don't feel accessible anymore, I'm not that A I'm a different A, a sad A. Sometimes it makes me cry because I can't handle the change, or the switch. It becomes painful because I feel the high disappear and the sadness take over.

Edit: Since I was a kid I was always able to leave my body, in a way. I still can but I don't like the feeling, it's an odd feeling that causes too much upsetment. And I totally say "I" all the time, no shame.


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## Just Lurking

It's a complicated subject and difficult to explain, but to answer the topic question, at least - "yes".

For me, it may be a result of being uncomfortable with who I am (or not wanting to 'show myself' to the world around me) and because I've been so preoccupied through my life trying to be _what I think other people want me to be_ instead of _what/who I am_ -- that somewhere along the lines, I may have lost myself.

If you were to ask me to describe myself right now, I'd be lost for words because I don't really _know_ myself.

It's like I'm an actor... molding myself according to the needs/wants of the other person in the picture; a mold that varies from person-to-person - all the while suppressing the "*me*" inside me. And over the years, this has done a number on me to a point where I sometimes don't know what my 'reality' is... who the 'real me' is.



lisbeth said:


> Really disgusted by how many times the OP mentions the words 'I', 'me', and 'feel'. How narcissistic. Gross.


I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I...

"I" catch myself doing this too, but it's a personal post - it's allowed.


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## persona non grata

Barette said:


> This is part of why I have issues with my looks, because I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror


I don't either sometimes. I know what I look like in the sense of I can recognize myself in pictures, but I occasionally get surprised by my appearance in the mirror. I get especially taken aback when I suddenly feel like I'm better or worse looking than I remember being and I don't know what triggers it. The individual features are the same but come together different, I don't know how I could describe it. It's worse any time I'm not sober.


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## sunflower22

persona non grata said:


> I don't either sometimes. I know what I look like in the sense of I can recognize myself in pictures, but I occasionally get surprised by my appearance in the mirror. I get especially taken aback when I suddenly feel like I'm better or worse looking than I remember being and I don't know what triggers it. The individual features are the same but come together different, I don't know how I could describe it. It's worse any time I'm not sober.


Pictures especially. Like, who is that girl, I think. We can never really see ourselves. Only reflections and photos.


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## RestrictedSoul

I sometimes feel like this too, although not quite as severely. Mostly in times when I'm really anxious, like at school or when talking to people that make me feel anxious. A disconnect happens between me, my actions, and my surroundings. It's like I lose my identity. And most of the time, I feel like I don't have a big one anyway. Like with each person I communicate with, I act differently. With some I'm more energetic than others, some bring out my sense of humour, etc. Sometimes, I feel like my identity depends on the circumstances I'm put in. Kind of like that whole carried by a tide feeling, that I don't have control over a situation even if I'm doing actions that influence it. Makes it difficult to give myself credit for things at times. Sometimes I think about how I can't believe that out of all the 7 billion people on the world, that I'm me, that I have the characteristics that I do, and that I wake up in this same consciousness every day. It's like a feeling of questioning reality.
Don't worry about the "I" usage. I did not even notice it until you pointed it out and it's not bad at all.


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## Nilrem

God wears a lab coat.


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## TicklemeRingo

I can't shed any light on the Depersonalization angle, but as far as feeling different to others, this might be some comfort:


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## sad vlad

No, I never felt I am not real. Numb and empty, yes.

If you haven't exaggerated what you wrote in there, that realy doesn't seem like SA. As others have already mentioned, dissociation is the first thing coming to mind. I have been talking to someone at some point and the person was telling me about having moments when there were doubts about being real, the people around are real, the things happening are real or this whole world being real. It would appear after moments of high distress and last for an unknown period of time. The person would not really know when the episode was over. There was a dettachment of any sort of feelings while in that state, which gave the individual a sense of relief. That was one of the clues things aren't as before that moment. Dissociation was viewed as a blessing. Problem is, it is not. Resorting to it very often, is damaging.


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## infinityplusone

Anyone feel like they're not actually in their body? Just writing this, I feel like I'm behind my actual body, not attached to it - dissociation or depersonalisation.


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## Woodoow

It happens to me as well, from time to time since ... 3 years ?
It was really bad at the start because I had no idea what was going on, thought I was high on weed. Everything in the world seemed so unreal and fake, plus the "set-back" view angle (as infinityplusone said) was strange . 
Then I found out about depersonalization/derealisation, and I was at bit relieved. It was mostly due to lack of sleep, OCD, food allergies, depression and a lack of personal boundaries/reference points ? (repères) .
Everytime that happens now, I freak out because of the OCD, scared I might do bad things out of control.


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## probably offline

I've struggled with not feeling "real" my whole life, but I don't feel like I'm a side-kick in other people's life. I feel like they are as unreal as I am.

---

(please don't take the following the wrong way)

I think that a problem that you have, in general, is that you over-analyze every single situation. If you insist on breaking down abstract things into pieces, they tend to stop making sense.

I also think that you might be over-estimating how much an average human actually feel in charge of his/her own life. If you tune in to the fact that there's actually a delay between when your brain makes a decision and when "you" actively make/carry out that decision... well... it becomes pretty obvious that your concious self is actually lagging and not completely in control. It's no wonder that many people find themselves feeling like they're just playing a passive part in something grander and that they're lacking autonomy of their own life. At that point you tend to start questioning who you are _as a person_ because that's a more graspable thought for a human.

I also agree with a few other posters that there might be some depersonalization disorder mixed up in this. But there really doesn't have to be.

Sometimes it's not good to think too much about these things. People like me, and you(it seems), tend to end up in thought loops that just keeps on going(and getting worse and/or branching out further). Sometimes it's better to say "NO!" to your brain and do other things to distract yourself.

I'm sorry if I assumed too many things about you.


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## yesterdays

I've felt more or less this way for years. I have a really shaky sense of identity and don't really feel real unless I'm distracted by something. For me it mostly comes down to dissociation/depersonalization, which were originally triggered by overwhelming existential thoughts. It took me a long time to accept that the world is (probably) indeed real and now I'm finally realizing I probably have a place in it myself, too.



probably offline said:


> Sometimes it's not good to think too much about these things. People like me, and you(it seems), tend to end up in thought loops that just keeps on going(and getting worse and/or branching out further). Sometimes it's better to say "NO!" to your brain and do other things to distract yourself.
> 
> I'm sorry if I assumed too many things about you.


Don't know if this applies to OP, but it definitely does to myself.


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## lisbeth

It's really comforting to hear that other people feel the same way and have the same thoughts. My worry wasn't so much that this would sound completely nuts as that it would sound ridiculous. Good to know I'm not alone.



probably offline said:


> I've struggled with not feeling "real" my whole life, but I don't feel like I'm a side-kick in other people's life. I feel like they are as unreal as I am.
> 
> ---
> 
> (please don't take the following the wrong way)
> 
> I think that a problem that you have, in general, is that you over-analyze every single situation. If you insist on breaking down abstract things into pieces, they tend to stop making sense.
> 
> I also think that you might be over-estimating how much an average human actually feel in charge of his/her own life. If you tune in to the fact that there's actually a delay between when your brain makes a decision and when "you" actively make/carry out that decision... well... it becomes pretty obvious that your concious self is actually lagging and not completely in control. It's no wonder that many people find themselves feeling like they're just playing a passive part in something grander and that they're lacking autonomy of their own life. At that point you tend to start questioning who you are _as a person_ because that's a more graspable thought for a human.
> 
> I also agree with a few other posters that there might be some depersonalization disorder mixed up in this. But there really doesn't have to be.
> 
> Sometimes it's not good to think too much about these things. People like me, and you(it seems), tend to end up in thought loops that just keeps on going(and getting worse and/or branching out further). Sometimes it's better to say "NO!" to your brain and do other things to distract yourself.
> 
> I'm sorry if I assumed too many things about you.


I don't take offence at all and I don't think you assumed too much about me whatsoever. I mean, you know me pretty well on here. You've read more than enough of my posts to judge that I overthink everything. I overthink everything to pieces and then put it back together upside down and backwards. I'm working on changing it.

Thanks for your post. You were really understanding and empathetic but you still gave me a rational and balanced explanation of it, which is really helpful. Thank you. ♥


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## AngelClare

It's because you're not a real person. There are no real people. Your consciousness is real. The self you are conscious of is not.

You're just intuitively aware of something most people never realize. 

What do you think would happen if you lost your identity?


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## Nekromaur

Yep!! all the time, i go everywhere alone, and when I do I feel invisible, or if people look at me it's always with a look of trepidation or like there's something wrong with me. Like the other day I was sitting in a waiting room and there was 2 groups of females at either side of me, and they kept laughing amongst themselves at different times, and I kept thinking they were laughing at me for sitting alone or looking moody, then I got all red and embarrassed and tried to suppress it, and convince myself they weren't laughing at me, which they probably weren't I just wish I could do things like everyone else, or feel like I was part of the world, which I don't ever....arghh!!


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## 1437

Happens to me all of a sudden sometimes, I think if I'm just like everyone else around me or if I'm something else


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## lisbeth

AngelClare said:


> It's because you're not a real person. There are no real people. Your consciousness is real. The self you are conscious of is not.
> 
> You're just intuitively aware of something most people never realize.
> 
> What do you think would happen if you lost your identity?


Thanks for the existential crisis prompt, man.


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## TVC 15

*human experience*



lisbeth said:


> This is going to sound really stupid, I know, but it's something I can't ever remember not feeling. Like, before I was even ten years old I was having these creeping feelings about it. Do you ever feel like you're not a real person? That you're somehow inhuman, or to use a better word, subhuman? Like obviously you have thoughts and feelings and whatever and you exist in that sense, but you're somehow not complete and real in the way that other people are? Kind of a sketch outline. Like you're about as authentic and autonomous as a clay golem. Just feeling very, very disengaged with your life and your identity. Like, it sounds really stupid, but when I was a kid I remember saying to someone how surprised I was that every day I woke up in the same body as the same person. I never really grew out of feeling like that. I feel as if everything is one long, continuous dream. But I also often feel like one day isn't really carrying on from the previous or the next. Things seem very random and unreal. Sometimes that makes things feel like things don't have consequences. It definitely makes it hard to feel like anything matters very much. I feel emotions very strongly but while something's actually happening I feel very detached from it. I feel like things are happening but I don't really have control over them. Like being carried along by a wave, or something, except I'm kinda being swept underneath it.
> 
> I often feel like I only really exist in the context of other people. Like, outside of being so-and-so's daughter and so-and-so's neighbour and so on, there is no 'me'. I've seen other people talk about seeing themselves as being a protagonist in their life as if their life were a book, but I tend to feel more like the sidekick of the protagonist in a TV show, or maybe a supporting actress. When I had this one best friend, I felt like the secondary character whose life experiences and mistakes that the protagonist witnesses and learns from second-hand over the course of her journey, instead of feeling like I was living through my own _bildungsroman. _The person who dips in and out of people's lives rather than having a life myself that people dip in and out of. I feel like I live 'offpage'. I mean, life isn't like media anyway so don't take the comparison too seriously, but that's the level of importance I generally feel. I tend to feel kind of tinny and flat, sort of two-dimensional. Very nothing-y. I don't feel like I matter very much because there isn't very much to me. It's not that I don't have feelings or whatever, I'm really the opposite of numb, it's more that... idk, because it's mine it feels like an imitation.
> 
> I feel like there's something 'off' about me and people are going to subconsciously sense it in me and reject me as a result. It's not that there's anything objectively wrong with me in the sense of personality traits or whatever, but that I am just inherently a bad person, either there's something missing or there's something there that shouldn't be. A feeling of something being 'off' that I can't shake.
> 
> I feel like there's a huge separation/disconnect between the 'self' that's my consciousness and the 'self' that exists in the world, but I don't really feel like either of them is particularly valid.
> 
> IDK if any of this even makes sense. I'm pretty sure it all sounds ridiculous.
> 
> I'd just really like to hear that somebody out there feels the same way.


My, do I get what you're saying. Don't you ever feel like you have to be constantly buying into reality? Like you have to keep telling yourself "yep, that's my home, those are my parents, that's my voice, my face, my eyes". I feel like i'm not even alive sometimes. For example, I have found that if I start looking at my own hand and move my fingers back and forth and think "this can't be happening, but it is. This can't be happening, but it is" my brain completely dissasociates itself from reality and a kind of snowball effect starts occurring. Meaning that the more I am aware that I exist and that i'm watching my hand, the more overwhelmed (or underwhelmed, rather) I feel and loose my basic and instinctive feeling of humanity.


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## Incognitoforlife

i'm glad i clicked on this because your post has made things a little easier to understand, i too feel disconnected like i'm not the person i see in the mirror ever since i was a child i felt that way like i was out of place living in a dream and one day i would wakeup and find my self(that day still hasn't come). But it didn't make me feel anything it just added to my numbness and anxiety. I've heard people talk of past lives but i don't really believe in that.


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## ilsr

can't say i haven't felt out of my body before. But according to theology and NDE (near death experience) we will be able to have consciousness outside of our bodies close to death or at death. Because we aren't really of this material plane in soul according to the gospels etc.

however that does not mean the soul stays ethereal or somesuch , it's only temporary. Supposedly the next stop is another plane of existence where possibly we might have a new form. (i.e. heaven or "down-below")


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## yesterdays

TVC 15 said:


> My, do I get what you're saying. Don't you ever feel like you have to be constantly buying into reality? Like you have to keep telling yourself "yep, that's my home, those are my parents, that's my voice, my face, my eyes". I feel like i'm not even alive sometimes. For example, I have found that if I start looking at my own hand and move my fingers back and forth and think "this can't be happening, but it is. This can't be happening, but it is" my brain completely dissasociates itself from reality and a kind of snowball effect starts occurring. Meaning that the more I am aware that I exist and that i'm watching my hand, the more overwhelmed (or underwhelmed, rather) I feel and loose my basic and instinctive feeling of humanity.


Well said, I often feel like this too. Having to kind of remind myself that I actually do exist.


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## Donnie in the Dark

I'm 90% vegetable


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## max87

Some how i can relate but... different. Let me explain: i feel like everyone has a reason to be alive, a reason for them to be here. I do not. 
It's like i am here on Earth by mere accident really, as a matter of fact, i shouldn't have been born.
So i never felt i had a purpose or a place on this world.


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## genevathistime

This isn't dumb, so don't worry about that. To me...it def sounds like some depersonalization and dissociation is happening.


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## bloodymary

I can relate to that, I feel the same. I also used to think about Golem . Or something like hollow object with 2 eyes looking through it. I personally think it is some kind of autism.

The OP didn´t sound narcissistic to me at all.


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## inerameia

I've felt that way before. It takes a lot of mental distress to get to that level.


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## GogWorld

bloodymary said:


> I can relate to that, I feel the same. I also used to think about Golem . Or something like hollow object with 2 eyes looking through it. I personally think it is some kind of autism.
> 
> The OP didn´t sound narcissistic to me at all.


I agree with you 100%. I don't find the OP narcissistic, I find it a natural, yet normal person. We're all different.


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## dal user

I dont feel as if im not real but I do often sit here and wonder how and why im still here if that makes sense. I've been through a lot of **** in my life, enough to make anyone take their own life but im still here. I was bullied a lot in school and usually some people take their life because of it but I never did because out of fear I could never do such a thing.

I don't really exist to anyone, I mean I have no contact with anybody these days, my friends ditched me so I really have nobody to talk to, so in that sense I don't exist.



TicklemeRingo said:


> I can't shed any light on the Depersonalization angle, but as far as feeling different to others, this might be some comfort:


Stephen Fry seems like quite an alright guy, he seems approachable but I bet people don't value what he says due to the way he looks.


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## sonic431

I felt that way for a few seconds once. I was having some kind of weird dream and woke up abruptly, when I tried walking away it felt like I was still in a dream.


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## whiplash1995

What you just described sounds exactly how I feel. Like I'm not even a real person, when I look back on my life experiences it's like that person who experienced that is not even me if this makes any sense. I've been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder...


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## steph22

yes sometimes i've had anxiety so bad, i feel dissociated with my body. like im not in it or sometimes. could be some personality disorder as well as others have said ^^ :/


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## MaePa

I wouldn't say I don't get the feeling of not feeling like a person. However, if there's a lull in whatever I'm currently doing or I get exhausted mentally from it, I'll zone out sometimes to the point I don't feel present. It feels more like I'm watching the event and seeing myself from outside of my body. I guess it's like what astral projection would be like, I don't know. It's more of a feeling like the task I'm doing or the event I'm witnessing doesn't feel real, instead of feeling like I'm not real.


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## crimeclub

lisbeth said:


> .


Good to see you back Lisbeth!


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## lisbeth

crimeclub said:


> Good to see you back Lisbeth!


Thanks for the welcome! I don't think I'm gonna be back for long because I find the forum really negative, but I wanted to log in and see how everyone was getting on.


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## Wings of Amnesty

lisbeth said:


> Apparently people have still been finding/reading this thread judging by these more recent replies, so little update if anyone's interested-
> 
> I recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and from a bit of googling, I've found out that apparently dissociation and this feeling of emptiness/unreality are *really* common traits in BPD. Which I think some other people in this thread have mentioned too. It explains a lot, because this pervasive feeling of being unreal has always seemed so bizarre and inexplicable to me before.


I see you said recent so maybe too early to ask but now that you're diagnosed what type of treatment are you getting for that and is it helping? Any non-drug treatment that they want you to do?


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## lisbeth

Wings of Amnesty said:


> I see you said recent so maybe too early to ask but now that you're diagnosed what type of treatment are you getting for that and is it helping? Any non-drug treatment that they want you to do?


It was only back in July, so still too early really. I've been prescribed medication and I'm on the waiting list to see a psychologist of some kind, but I'm not clear on what that will involve. All of this is on the NHS.

The medication I've been prescribed is paroxetine (Seroxat) plus a mood stabiliser called olanzapine. I haven't been taking the olanzapine because it just makes me go to sleep... maybe it'd help, but I can't tolerate the drowsiness.

The paroxetine is fine. It's got more positive effect on my depression and social anxiety than the drug I was taking before, venlafaxine. Venlafaxine helped the depression some but killed my appetite and made my weight drop down to about 85lbs, so obviously I had to stop taking it.

I bought a book about dialectical behaviour therapy a while ago so I figure I might try some of that stuff by myself.


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## crimeclub

lisbeth said:


> Thanks for the welcome! I don't think I'm gonna be back for long because I find the forum really negative, but I wanted to log in and see how everyone was getting on.


I don't blame you, also I think a number of the female users you used to pal around with have also left the site, bummer.


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## lisbeth

crimeclub said:


> I don't blame you, also I think a number of the female users you used to pal around with have also left the site, bummer.


It wasn't the same without me, obv.


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## Wings of Amnesty

lisbeth said:


> It was only back in July, so still too early really. I've been prescribed medication and I'm on the waiting list to see a psychologist of some kind, but I'm not clear on what that will involve. All of this is on the NHS.
> 
> The medication I've been prescribed is paroxetine (Seroxat) plus a mood stabiliser called olanzapine. I haven't been taking the olanzapine because it just makes me go to sleep... maybe it'd help, but I can't tolerate the drowsiness.
> 
> The paroxetine is fine. It's got more positive effect on my depression and social anxiety than the drug I was taking before, venlafaxine. Venlafaxine helped the depression some but killed my appetite and made my weight drop down to about 85lbs, so obviously I had to stop taking it.
> 
> I bought a book about dialectical behaviour therapy a while ago so I figure I might try some of that stuff by myself.


Oh okay. I have disassociation, and I struggle with reconciling my internal world and internal identity with my external/physical presence in the world. I don't think I have a personality disorder though. It's a bad feeling, but it's manageable and doesn't prevent me from living my life, so I won't risk making other things worse by taking drugs for it, but I should try doing something at least to learn to feel more grounded in my body. I'm always downloading selfhelp books and never reading them  Diet books too.


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## lisbeth

Wings of Amnesty said:


> Oh okay. I have disassociation, and I struggle with reconciling my internal world and internal identity with my external/physical presence in the world. I don't think I have a personality disorder though. It's a bad feeling, but it's manageable and doesn't prevent me from living my life, so I won't risk making other things worse by taking drugs for it, but I should try doing something at least to learn to feel more grounded in my body. I'm always downloading selfhelp books and never reading them  Diet books too.


Hope you can manage to find something. Dissociation is really distressing, so hopefully there'll be a way through it for you. I'm not sure if there even are any medications that help with it specifically, and the side effects aren't worth it if it's not having a massive impact on your life.

I think there are guides online for coping with dissociation, but I don't have the link to any unfortunately.


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## sad vlad

lisbeth said:


> I recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and from a bit of googling, I've found out that apparently dissociation and this feeling of emptiness/unreality are *really* common traits in BPD. Which I think some other people in this thread have mentioned too. It explains a lot, because this pervasive feeling of being unreal has always seemed so bizarre and inexplicable to me before.


Can't say that I'm surprised. Anyway, glad to hear you finally have a diagnose and can start working on it. The biggest problem in dealing with your main issue, Borderline, is to stay focused on taking the treatment(threrapy and or meds). If you manage to keep up the good work things should get better. Wish you luck.

My initial post in this thread was about my experience with a girl that I liked very much and suffered from Borderline(from what I could tell) with Depersonalization episodes, Paranoid thoughts and Panic Attacks. So yes, Dissociation(no matter Depersonalization or Derealization) is very common in Borderline. Not feeling real, the whole world and what happens being a dream, or a tv show, feeling detached from your body, etc... It is usually a strange defense mechanism that the brain is using to protect itself. Usually from traumatic episodes of some sort.


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## sad vlad

lisbeth said:


> Hope you can manage to find something. Dissociation is really distressing, so hopefully there'll be a way through it for you. I'm not sure if there even are any medications that help with it specifically, and the side effects aren't worth it if it's not having a massive impact on your life.
> 
> I think there are guides online for coping with dissociation, but I don't have the link to any unfortunately.


There should be some grounding techniques on the internet. If I remember correctly, the most usual trick is to keep an ice cube in your hand. The best therapy seems to be Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

Examples of grounding exercises:

http://www.peirsac.org/peirsacui/er/educational_resources10.pdf

https://www.e-tmf.org/downloads/Grounding_Techniques.pdf

For Borderline, try reading books by Marsha Linehan. She created DBT and I think she suffered from the same disorder:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/list/202733.Marsha_M_Linehan

If any of these links help in any way, that is great. Take care.


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## lisbeth

x


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## space exploration

/late and i kind of loathe to bring this forum back to square one, but i also feel this problem a lot. in fact, i was disocciating when i found this because im not seeing my therapist any time soon so i wanted to know if google had any awnsers, and apparently it did. i just wanted to know if anyone here had any tips?? for dealing with disocciation in high school?


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## VanitysFiend

Wow, I know this threads been necroed but I wanna comment anyway...

I think I can relate to this, but I doubt I have full depersonalisation or derealisation. It's more about the way SA makes me see myself relative to others, like I'm a fake person trying my best to fit in and go unnoticed. I don't date, I don't have a social life, I have 2 proper friends one of whom is my brother, I've never had a holiday, I don't drive, etc etc. I'm at a point where I feel I can't let anybody in cause if I did they'd realise how hollow I am inside...

Reminds me of this scene from american psycho...


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## lisbeth

space exploration said:


> /late and i kind of loathe to bring this forum back to square one, but i also feel this problem a lot. in fact, i was disocciating when i found this because im not seeing my therapist any time soon so i wanted to know if google had any awnsers, and apparently it did. i just wanted to know if anyone here had any tips?? for dealing with disocciation in high school?


To be honest, I don't have any advice beyond "hang in there". Try to distract yourself if you can, because thinking about it makes it worse. You kind of get into a spiral and totally freak out. Wishing you all the best, because high school is hell even without this stuff!



VanitysFiend said:


> Wow, I know this threads been necroed but I wanna comment anyway...
> 
> I think I can relate to this, but I doubt I have full depersonalisation or derealisation. It's more about the way SA makes me see myself relative to others, like I'm a fake person trying my best to fit in and go unnoticed. I don't date, I don't have a social life, I have 2 proper friends one of whom is my brother, I've never had a holiday, I don't drive, etc etc. I'm at a point where I feel I can't let anybody in cause if I did they'd realise how hollow I am inside...
> 
> Reminds me of this scene from american psycho...


♥♥♥

I know that feeling too. It's a horrible one. I think the only thing you can do is do your best to try and fix the manageable aspects of it. e.g. could you save up to go on holiday, or could you start learning to drive? Obviously both of those things are easier said than done, but they are doable. Just making a bit of progress with it might help a bit with the sense of hollowness. If nothing else, it'll distract you.


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## VanitysFiend

lisbeth said:


> ♥♥♥
> 
> I know that feeling too. It's a horrible one. I think the only thing you can do is do your best to try and fix the manageable aspects of it. e.g. could you save up to go on holiday, or could you start learning to drive? Obviously both of those things are easier said than done, but they are doable. Just making a bit of progress with it might help a bit with the sense of hollowness. If nothing else, it'll distract you.


I was kinda hoping I'd have seen a psychologist/had some therapy by now, even just getting a proper diagnosis would be nice. I saw my GP at the start of June, and filled in a form in early August but haven't heard anything back yet. I could afford a holiday, I just don't wanna go somewhere alone  Learning to drive was something I wanted to try this summer but never got beyond reading a bit of the highway code...


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## Eyeok

lisbeth said:


> This is going to sound really stupid, I know, but it's something I can't ever remember not feeling. Do you ever feel like you're not a real person? Like obviously you have thoughts and feelings and whatever and you exist in that sense, but you're somehow not complete and real in the way that other people are? Kind of a sketch outline.
> 
> I've seen other people talk about seeing themselves as being a protagonist in their life as if their life were a book, but I tend to feel more like the sidekick of the protagonist in a TV show, or maybe a supporting actress. The person who dips in and out of people's lives rather than having a life myself that people dip in and out of. I mean, life isn't like media anyway so don't take the comparison too seriously, but that's the level of importance I generally feel.
> 
> I feel like there's a huge separation/disconnect between the 'self' that's my consciousness and the 'self' that exists in the world, but I don't really feel like either of them is particularly valid.
> 
> IDK if any of this even makes sense. I'm pretty sure it all sounds ridiculous.
> 
> I'd just really like to hear that somebody out there feels the same way.


I feel the same way but also because of how people treat me. Like I’m a concept and not a real person. I don’t feel like anything said to me is genuine and I’m viewed as a one dimensional side character that comes into other peoples lives as a brief entertainment. I’m an extrovert but I feel like my head is empty and I say things on script. I especially related to not feeling like a protagonist. I’ve been complimented on my looks and how nice I am but I feel like it’s all on a script and I have no other emotions/traits/dimensions. I make friends really easily but it’s like I’m featuring on an episode of their life.


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## Eyeok

Sorry didn’t realize the @ was cut off. Also Idk if I’m an extrovert or an introvert. I don’t really have thoughts. But people “like” me as soon as they meet me so I’m placed in lots of social settings. Sorry even I feel I’m bullsh*tting but I really don’t know what’s real or if I’m real.


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## Smitten*kitten

lisbeth said:


> This is going to sound really stupid, I know, but it's something I can't ever remember not feeling. Do you ever feel like you're not a real person? Like obviously you have thoughts and feelings and whatever and you exist in that sense, but you're somehow not complete and real in the way that other people are? Kind of a sketch outline.
> 
> I've seen other people talk about seeing themselves as being a protagonist in their life as if their life were a book, but I tend to feel more like the sidekick of the protagonist in a TV show, or maybe a supporting actress. The person who dips in and out of people's lives rather than having a life myself that people dip in and out of. I mean, life isn't like media anyway so don't take the comparison too seriously, but that's the level of importance I generally feel.
> 
> I feel like there's a huge separation/disconnect between the 'self' that's my consciousness and the 'self' that exists in the world, but I don't really feel like either of them is particularly valid.
> 
> IDK if any of this even makes sense. I'm pretty sure it all sounds ridiculous.
> 
> I'd just really like to hear that somebody out there feels the same way.


Definitely not ridiculous! You put into words something that I feel as well. I've got no advice or wise words regarding this un-real feeling but I am right there with you.


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## bad baby

The original post reminds me of a conversation I had with a vulnerable narcissist on some forum, where they described their day-to-day as "experiencing life from a 2nd person perspective". It's a spot-on description of how I experienced life during a particular stage. To me it was more that sense of watching my life head in a direction I didn't want to go, but somehow feeling powerless to stop it, sort of like being in the backseat of a car without a driver.

I probably had (and still have) a somewhat borderline personality organisation. From a subjective pov, I don't know how a healthy person experiences life moment to moment, but I believe they have a more coherent sense of self. Which means more awareness of their own moods and motives. I don't know about others on the spectrum, but for me the "hazy/2nd person" mind space was clouded by avoidance of not wanting to deal with things that might feel emotionally devastating. I've managed to get out of that mode and I feel a lot "clearer" now. Although when I am under stress I still find myself slipping back into that sort of sleepwalking mode. Even now as I'm typing this comment, I'm avoiding doing some thing that I have to 😅 It's so easy and I constantly have to catch myself. I was fully aware of myself being triggered earlier today, and it was the worst feeling. It dredges up a lot of ghosts in the attic and makes me curse the world. It's like a full-scale colour shift, it taints everything. Like something I read once from Geneen Roth about frolicking in an idyllic field in the French countryside and still being totally miserable. But I guess the alternative is going back to hazy 2nd person.

#streamofconsciousnessrambling


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## Socialmisfits

I often feel I'm not a person, I mean not a real human being. Because I don't share most emotions that other (normal) people have. I also never feel shocked when something bad happens, I see it as normal. It is life and life is pretty bad most of the time, why would I be shocked at anything that happens?
But I also never had moments of true happiness, like being ecstatic for something, I have never known that. My reaction to everything that happens ( good or bad) is the same.Some vital components in my brain haven't been installed I guess. I need a software update.


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