# List your ideal partner's characteristics



## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

I've decided I will probably never get back into a relationship nor marry again because I was hurt so badly in my abusive 30 year marriage.

But.............

I've often wondered what kind of person would make me change my mind.

I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. 

Then I realized, that I don't think a person like this exists :?

I don't know if I'm just being delusional, selfish, or just plain unfair to the human race. 

But let's just dream. If you could find somebody with all the qualities you want do you think that's the answer to happiness?

How would you treat them? Perhaps that person was already found and the way I treated them made them run away. 

How about we list our perfect partner characteristics (positive) and see if that perfect human being would actually work as our dream relationship (what are we doing wrong??!!!).


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

1) Is kind
2) Have common sense
3) Have a job or at least be motivated to work
4) Love me unconditionally without trying to make me into somebody I'm not
5) Give me space when I need it
6) Not critical
7) Fun and happy
8) Like to be adventurous
9) Does not nag about things like money
10) Is not co-dependent nor passive aggressive
11) Is chivalrous
12) Takes time to be with his own friends
13) Takes half the responsibility of the relationship
14) Is kind to my children and grandchildren
15) Does not assume things like I don't need something that's mine and toss it out
16) Appreciates my qualities


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## cindy8701 (May 5, 2011)

replies to my text messages :/
there might be something to be said about low standards tho


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

*But what would I do with those qualities?*

1) Is kind (would I feel I deserve kindness or would I sabatoge it by being mean to make him hate me?)
2) Have common sense (Would I depend on him too much and become childlike?)
3) Have a job or at least be motivated to work (Would that give me license to slack off in my career or maybe quit to stay home and enjoy life?)
4) Love me unconditionally without trying to make me into somebody I'm not (Can I handle that?)
5) Give me space when I need it (Would I become distant and allow my SA to make me cold?)
6) Not critical (Would I walk all over him because he doesn't say anything constructive to me?)
7) Fun and happy (Would I never be serious?)
8) Like to be adventurous (Would we spend too much money or would I get moody if he got tired of adventure?)
9) Does not nag about things like money (Would I get spoiled?)
10) Is not co-dependent nor passive aggressive (This would actually be nice as I've learned to not get sucked into either kind of relationship)
11) Is chivalrous (Would I stop fighting my own battles?)
12) Takes time to be with his own friends (Would I get jealous?)
13) Takes half the responsibility of the relationship (Is that being too rigid?)
14) Is kind to my children and grandchildren (I'd at least like that)
15) Does not assume things like I don't need something that's mine and toss it out (I would appreciate that respect)
16) Appreciates my qualities (yeah, it would be nice to have someone actually like me for who I am)

Yeah, I guess even if I met the ideal person, I would still screw up something, or at least have that potential.

Seriously, guys, is there an answer?

What's your lists and would that ideal person really be the answer to our happiness?


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

cindy8701 said:


> replies to my text messages :/
> there might be something to be said about low standards tho


And if he or she replied, what would you do with that? I'm not being flippant  I'm just wondering if that's truly the answer to what we need.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Practical with plenty of common sense
Very honest
Cares more for those he loves than trying to appeal to the entire world
Not an attention seeker/humble
Self-aware but NOT obsessively so-navel gazers wear me out.
Someone who will stand up to conflicts and confrontations when it is necessary
Someone who does not seek out the attentions of the big-dealers,con-artists of the world.
Someone who enjoys long conversations about meaningful subjects.
Someone I can be proud of
One who is caring but not to the point of being a fool
I'm sure there's more-might add to this later-


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

1)Someone that I can trust.
2)Someone that appreciates me and treats me well. 
3)Someone that is dependable and reliable.
4)Someone that is not afraid of being in a committed and monogamous relationship with me. 
5)Someone that I enjoy spending time with and love/care about and he feels the same way about me.


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## jg43i9jghy0t4555 (Jul 31, 2011)

1)emotionally vulnerable
2)hard to get
3)doesn't talk


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## VC132 (Sep 1, 2010)

1) Female 2) Male


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Smarter than me, boring (the kind of person most people wouldn't notice), unadventurous (no ambitious types who have to be doing daring stuff all the time), rational (must value knowledge above comfort), compatible humor, humble, introverted, has a very small social life (so it won't overwhelm me), some related interests (and enough differences to be interesting and encourage me to grow), understanding/forgiving (and gives me the benefit of the doubt), treats me as an equal partner, tells me what's bothering her but in a non-confrontational way, is online a lot (or we'd never get to know each other), is considerate, truthful and trustworthy.

I believe such people exist, but that they're extra hard to develop a relationship with.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

Smart, pretty, adventurous but introverted, and liberal in political views. She should also be proud of herself and interested in staying healthy. Oh, and she should like to drink like I do 

Yeah I know I'm weird.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

sanspants08 said:


> Smart, pretty, adventurous but introverted, and liberal in political views. She should also be proud of herself and interested in staying healthy. Oh, and she should like to drink like I do
> 
> Yeah I know I'm weird.


You're not weird.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

chantellabella said:


> You're not weird.


 Thank yew!


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## LordScott (Apr 9, 2012)

1. is pretty (hot, sexy)
2. has a petite bust ( i dont care about big tits)
3. is nice
4. likes to cuddle
5. likes the sane things I do


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## pianist (Oct 5, 2011)

chantellabella said:


> I've decided I will probably never get back into a relationship nor marry again because I was hurt so badly in my abusive 30 year marriage.


Sorry about your marriage, that really sux.

And I don't think your list is unreasonable at all, you are describing from what I see, just a good nice person. I have met and know people like that. 
Of course nobodys perfect and theres no such thing as a perfect match, But I think two peoples love for one another can be perfect, because they work on their relationship and all that it entails. ie. helping one another, forgiving shortcomings, etc. 
Do I think their is a perfect partner? No. Do I think true unconditional love exists? Absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt in the world, Yes.

So . what qualities would I want in my ideal partner? my dream?

Someone I could love with all my heart till the end of my days, share tears, laughs, smiles, strife, success, failure, beauty and all that life entails.
And when I look in her eyes, . . I would know deep down she feels the same way about me.

Is that too much to ask? I sure hope not, because what else is there really in this world?


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

pianist said:


> Sorry about your marriage, that really sux.
> 
> And I don't think your list is unreasonable at all, you are describing from what I see, just a good nice person. I have met and know people like that.
> Of course nobodys perfect and theres no such thing as a perfect match, But I think two peoples love for one another can be perfect, because they work on their relationship and all that it entails. ie. helping one another, forgiving shortcomings, etc.
> ...


No, it's not too much to ask. 

You know, there's got to be these people out there with the qualities that you have all listed. I think you're right, pianist, when you say, "But I think two peoples love for one another can be perfect, because they work on their relationship and all that it entails. ie. helping one another, forgiving shortcomings, etc."

I guess that's why I would question what I would do with a person who had all the qualities I listed. I guess I'm doubting my own ability to hold onto someone who would be my ideal mate. You struck a chord when you said working on all a relationship entails, helping, forgiving shortcomings. I wonder if this requires maturity in a relationship and I guess I doubt I'm mature in that department.

Thank you guys for posting your thoughts. Perhaps, just writing out what we feel is an ideal person might help us find him or her and might urge us to be ready to take responsibility to secure that relationship.

Tella


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

chantellabella said:


> 1) Is kind
> 2) Have common sense
> 3) Have a job or at least be motivated to work
> 4) Love me unconditionally without trying to make me into somebody I'm not
> ...


If that person does not exist, then I give up.

I don't think these are unrealistic things to expect from a partner.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

1. Smart
2. Emotionally unavailable (distant, needs lots of "alone time," etc.)
3. Cares about me
4. Has a sense of humour that I get
5. Older than me
6. Likes animals
7. Financially independent


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

smart, caring, laid back, good sense of humor, likes to travel ..


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Likes me. 

That's pretty much it.


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm lucky enough to have found that person. Wonderful woman. 17 years married or so. Doesn't alway mean its easy. The key, which I have not yet mastered, is unconditional acceptance of who the person is. No trying to change them. No criticism. And from there, finding someone whose pattern of spending time is somewhat consistent with your own - differences are good too of course. But common interests can be important. 

I am simply lucky in this regard. 

And it's a good area to be lucky in. 

First marriage didn't work so well, but second was a charmer. 

Seeker


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## purplekicks (Jun 8, 2012)

Someone who can put up with my crap


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

All great answers guys. It's interesting to see that we have in common someone who is kind. 

And you're right, pita, it's not too much to ask a partner to treat us kindly and to just love us unconditionally.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

HopefulSeeker said:


> I'm lucky enough to have found that person. Wonderful woman. 17 years married or so. Doesn't alway mean its easy. The key, which I have not yet mastered, is unconditional acceptance of who the person is. No trying to change them. No criticism. And from there, finding someone whose pattern of spending time is somewhat consistent with your own - differences are good too of course. But common interests can be important.
> 
> I am simply lucky in this regard.
> 
> ...


That's awesome Seeker. See, that gives me hope that there are marriages and relationships that do work. I was beginning to think that happy ever after endings were just a myth.

Thanks for sharing that. 

Tella


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

purplekicks said:


> Someone who can put up with my crap


I like that.


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## GuyMontag (Dec 12, 2010)

1)Someone who doesn't mind that I'm a square
2)Has compatible religious views
3)Unpretentious
4)Has some similar interests
5)Exists
6)Attractive to me
7)Someone more extroverted than I am
8 )Intelligent
I'm not sure of what else right now.

Edit: I had to remove the smiley the 8 created.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

When I try to think of ideal characteristics my brain sort of just freezes. I can't do it, and to be honest, I wouldn't really want to. ( No offence to you , of course Chantabella.  ) I had 2 serious relationships before I got married at 30 - both of these girls were very different to each other and to my wife ( or ex-wife - it's a bit complicated.) 

I think that's the wonderful thing about people and love, you just never know when it's going to happen, and to whom. I have technically been married for 21 years, but we haven't lived as man and wife for a long time now. That doesn't mean I don't love her - I have seen her at her most vulnerable and at her worst, as she has me - and I know that I will always be there for her , regardless of my circumstances.

As far as unconditional love goes - that sort of love , in my opinion, is really reserved for our children - it certainly is the case for me and my son - my mum was the same with me - there is nothing that my boy could do that would alter the way I feel about him.

I have had a couple of brief relationships over the last few years, and those ladies were very different too - as I've gotten older I realise that you really don't choose who you fall for, I think the thing is being able to accept them the way they are.

Hope you all find someone special.

Don.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

don36 said:


> When I try to think of ideal characteristics my brain sort of just freezes. I can't do it, and to be honest, I wouldn't really want to. ( No offence to you , of course Chantabella.  )
> 
> Don.


You're just mad because you didn't get any spongecake. 

Just kidding.

I think it's awesome that you have a great relationship with your ex. Mine just moved on to another co-dependent marriage with a woman who drinks continuously.

I guess maybe I've gotten too cynical in my old age about falling in love and it "just happening." I missed the boat with that. My ex literally bought me off the street and put a roof over my head. I married for the wrong reasons even though at the time I felt he was my proverbial soul mate.

Next time around..............and I really don't plan on a next time............he'd better have those qualities. 

Maybe I should hook potential dates up to a lie detector test and then do a series of psychological tests on him.

So before I go any further I'd like you to tell me what you see in these ink blots.

Too much? :um

Tella


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

GuyMontag said:


> Edit: I had to remove the smiley the 8 created.


So that's why my OP has a smiley! I was wondering how I made that typo.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

Questionnaire to be Nick's gf: 

1. Are you really single? 
2. No really, separated from your husband doesn't count. 
3. Do you have children? No offense, but I like to travel, and we can't do that with kids. 
4. Are you interested in psychology or sociology, and people in general? I tend to ramble about it. 
5. Are you an optimist? We won't work over time if you're a "glass-half-empty" person. 
6. Are you skinny? Sorry, but you gotta be. I'm superficial. 
7. Do you care if I drive fast? Hope not, because I do. 
8. Are you cool with going out occasionally? I have to, because I need exposure to people no matter how anxious that makes me. 
9. Do you dance and sing? We have to dance and sing. 
10. Again, are you sure you're single? 
11. Do you have some appreciation for art? I come from a long line of artsy people. 
12. Are you cool with me being a dork? I'm a dork, seriously. 
13. Do you agree that Sarah Palin is an idiot? Good...
14. True of False: Is "professional wrestling is real."


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

sanspants08 said:


> Questionnaire to be Nick's gf:
> 
> 14. True of False: Is "professional wrestling is real."


Of course it's real.

The Easter Bunny told me.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

chantellabella said:


> Of course it's real.
> 
> The Easter Bunny told me.


Excellent! The Easter Bunny told me the Tooth Fairy is real


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## BladeRunnerB26354 (Apr 12, 2012)

I look for the following:

Interesting and unusual (to me)

Has unusual and interesting hobbies

Loves art, music, film and books

Intelligent and funny

Attractive looking (I find such a diverse range of girls attractive, tall and short, petite and curvy, that to me attractive simply means attractive in my eyes)

From a good family

Has a nice bottom


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

chantellabella said:


> List your ideal partner's characteristics


I don't think such a list exists (at least for me). What I mean is that I can come up with a list, meet that person and still not click. Conversely, I can find someone who falls short on that list and yet click immensely. I have no clue why? Maybe human relationships are too complex to summarize as in an ideal list? Or I don't know beforehand what I like in a partner?


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

Kon said:


> I don't think such a list exists (at least for me). What I mean is that I can come up with a list, meet that person and still not click. Conversely, I can find someone who falls short on that list and yet click immensely. I have no clue why? Maybe human relationships are too complex to summarize as in an ideal list? Or I don't know beforehand what I like in a partner?


This is a good point. Even though there are some criteria that have to be met for me, there are some that can be "bent." And plenty that have been "bent" in the past with good results. I agree, we're complex beasts, and sometimes it's the chemistry and not the objective criteria that makes the relationship work.


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## sas111 (Oct 20, 2010)

Know what I want when I see it, I don't want to make a list of a certain idea partner, just to find out that that's not really what I was looking for in the end.

I know this for sure - Must accept & trust eachother.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm looking for a guy who's good at fixing stuff. I hate trying to figure out how stuff works and would rather spend my time baking or cooking (sorry feminists, it's where my skills lie).

Other desirable characteristics include: dependable, honest, responsible, and hard working. He must adore my cats. 

Overall, I'm looking for a man. With all due respect to my ex-husband, he still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm not willing to wait around for the next guy to grow up.


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## MyJoy (Dec 9, 2011)

1. We find each other attractive
2. Zany sense of humor and can tolerate my sometimes crude jokes about bodily functions
3. Employed (went to college, has a job, not living with parents)
4. Honest & loyal
5. Plus if likes science and would want to learn something like longsword or kendo


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## falling down (Oct 17, 2011)

I hate this thread.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

Kon said:


> I don't think such a list exists (at least for me). What I mean is that I can come up with a list, meet that person and still not click. Conversely, I can find someone who falls short on that list and yet click immensely. I have no clue why? Maybe human relationships are too complex to summarize as in an ideal list? Or I don't know beforehand what I like in a partner?


I used to not even consider a list, but I guess since I've been burned so badly in a relationship, I want what I consider to be an ideal. I'm not asking for anything other than to be treated with respect and to be accepted.

It just took me to explain it in a list of ten.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

sanspants08 said:


> This is a good point. Even though there are some criteria that have to be met for me, there are some that can be "bent." And plenty that have been "bent" in the past with good results. I agree, we're complex beasts, and sometimes it's the chemistry and not the objective criteria that makes the relationship work.


I think my problem comes in that I did more bending than my ex did and I want to find that middle ground where 50% of the responsibly of bending is on my partner's side as well. I also think that now that I'm older, I have come to a point in my life that I'm content with being single and therefore am not looking for anyone. That makes it easier to create and ideal list because I'm not expecting anyone to fill it.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

Vanilllabb said:


> I know this for sure - Must accept & trust eachother.


That's really the crux of a relationship, I think.


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

chantellabella said:


> I think my problem comes in that I did more bending than my ex did and I want to find that middle ground where 50% of the responsibly of bending is on my partner's side as well. I also think that now that I'm older, I have come to a point in my life that I'm content with being single and therefore am not looking for anyone. That makes it easier to create and ideal list because I'm not expecting anyone to fill it.


I know what you mean. I was referring to the person's characteristics (stuff that you can measure objectively, more or less), rather than the way the two of you will have to compromise to build a life together. I can relate to what you said, having been in both the position where the woman runs my life, and inadvertently being in the position where I rule hers.

So I think assertiveness is another quality to look for in a partner. Not dominance of course, but someone who can speak their mind, so resentment doesn't build later. You (or I, or whoever) would have to know what we could speak our minds with this person as well. But that's not something we can predict just from the get-go, whereas their ability to communicate is usually fairly apparent, at least to me.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

sanspants08 said:


> I know what you mean. I was referring to the person's characteristics (stuff that you can measure objectively, more or less), rather than the way the two of you will have to compromise to build a life together. I can relate to what you said, having been in both the position where the woman runs my life, and inadvertently being in the position where I rule hers.
> 
> So I think assertiveness is another quality to look for in a partner. Not dominance of course, but someone who can speak their mind, so resentment doesn't build later. You (or I, or whoever) would have to know what we could speak our minds with this person as well. But that's not something we can predict just from the get-go, whereas their ability to communicate is usually fairly apparent, at least to me.


And you know, I was thinking about the poster who said he hated this thread.

I know on the outside it looks like a want ad for a partner. That's not the original reason I posted this. I realized awhile back that there's no reason why any human being should "settle." By settling I mean, just be desperate for another human being, no matter who. So many relationships fall down the toilet because of disappointment. You meet another person who has a beating heart and you say, "Hey, I need to keep this person because he/she gives me the time of day." But then all the characteristics that you consider as ideal may not materialize. You might work on trying to change that person with manipulation, force, whatever, but when you wake up one day and find you really hate that person's quirks, you're miserable and stuck.

I often wonder why people who seem to have it all in relationships do have it all. I think it's because they put out a vibe that says, "I'm worth a lot and therefore if you want any of this, you need to try hard to get it and keep it." When a person puts out a vibe that they are worthless and they will take any scrap from the table , they get the ones who would be not so desirable. They get the abusers, the bullies, and the users. They are "easy targets" because they are so desperate.

So why not list what we want. We're all worth something big time. No, I'm not saying go flaunt your self in front of people like some snob. I am saying, hold your head high, believe you are worth fighting for, and list who you think would be an ideal mate.

We all deserve to be happy..............the rich, beautiful and outgoing don't have that market cornered.

What type of person will make you happy?

*just had to 'splain myself" 

btw, I think I'm worth fighting for.

Tella


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## BlueScreen (Jun 16, 2012)

> btw, I think I'm worth fighting for.


I think you would be a great catch.

Now. What am I looking for?
* I was married to a woman who was looking for a fairytale, unfortunately she got me. So I'm not into fairy-tales.
* Someone who loves me for being me. Anyone who has read my profile would understand that is a HUGE deal.
* Someone who I can think about in the middle of the day, whatever I'm doing, and make me smile. And the same for them.
* Someone who accepts that I have an illness (well, a couple of them) and loves me anyway.
* Someone who has realized that the white picket fence ideal is just not going to happen, and not blame me for it.
* Im too old for kids, and have none myself, but someone who loves kids.
* Someone who imagines coming home to me and not be filled with dread.

I'm sorry people, thats just my stupid BS ideals. Maybe I'll die alone, I hope not.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

If we're going to make lists, advanced computer software inside a nice looking robot would eventually suffice. People don't get attracted according to lists of criteria. It's largely based on irrational, unpredictable or subconscious processes - just the way someone moves and their unique body language might have you hooked. It's also why people's imperfections can complete the attraction. He can lack many good qualities and you'll still be in love and someone else can meet all your criteria and it'd feel like kissing a friend.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

odd_one_out said:


> If we're going to make lists, advanced computer software inside a nice looking robot would eventually suffice. People don't get attracted according to lists of criteria. It's largely based on irrational, unpredictable or subconscious processes - just the way someone moves and their unique body language might have you hooked. It's also why people's imperfections can complete the attraction. He can lack many good qualities and you'll still be in love and someone else can meet all your criteria and it'd feel like kissing a friend.


I guess I'm not willing to take my chances with just anybody. I've done the "anybody because they're breathing route" and was burned big time because he made me miserable for 30 years.

I do understand people are imperfect. I get that.

But I also think it's a good idea to create boundaries:

I won't befriend an axe murderer, wife beater, drunk or someone who can't hold a job because of his temper or complaining. 
I won't take someone who needs me to "fix" him 24/7. 
I don't want someone who never wants to do anything or who spends his days gossiping about other people.
I won't stay with someone who thinks the world revolves around him. 
And I don't want people who use me, ridicule me, play co-dependent games, and blame me.

What's left after that is my original OP ideal partner's list.

I'm taking care of me and my needs. I'm not waiting for someone to do it for me.


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## Owl-99 (Mar 7, 2012)

chantellabella said:


> I guess I'm not willing to take my chances with just anybody. I've done the "anybody because they're breathing route" and was burned big time because he made me miserable for 30 years.
> 
> I do understand people are imperfect. I get that.
> 
> ...


You tell them sister :boogie


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

chantellabella said:


> I guess I'm not willing to take my chances with just anybody. I've done the "anybody because they're breathing route" and was burned big time because he made me miserable for 30 years.
> [...]
> What's left after that is my original OP ideal partner's list.


Does that mean you're going to choose a partner who fits the criteria even if your feelings are purely platonic? That is, you'd choose someone who is just a friend emotionally. Or would you also have to feel passion?


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## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Female.
Really really nice and sweet.
Loving.
Kind.
Caring. 
Honest.
Trusting.
Understanding.
Likes to be close - cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing.
Good sense of humor.
Very patient.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

odd_one_out said:


> Does that mean you're going to choose a partner who fits the criteria even if your feelings are purely platonic? That is, you'd choose someone who is just a friend emotionally. Or would you also have to feel passion?


If i truly found someone i want and fell in love the passion would be there. im not settling for just anybody to fulfill sexual needs only. sorry i broke my arm today and typing with non dominant hand


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## cavemanslaststand (Jan 6, 2011)

chantellabella said:


> If i truly found someone i want and fell in love the passion would be there. im not settling for just anybody to fulfill sexual needs only. sorry i *broke my arm today* and typing with non dominant hand


Are you doing okay? How did it happen?


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

cavemanslaststand said:


> Are you doing okay? How did it happen?


i clutzed out. cut grass then tripped on step ladder in garage. my arms in sling and cast next week. but im doing 3 toddler storytimes tommorrow. i'll get the teen volunteers to hold the book. the show must go on when you have up to 80 toddlers in each group wanting to dance to the wiggles.


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## cavemanslaststand (Jan 6, 2011)

chantellabella said:


> i clutzed out. cut grass then tripped on step ladder in garage. my arms in sling and cast next week. but im doing 3 toddler storytimes tommorrow. i'll get the teen volunteers to hold the book. the *show must go on* when you have up to 80 toddlers in each group wanting to dance to the wiggles.


Hope your broken arm recovers quickly.

Argh trite, I guess someone has to say it -- break a leg tomorrow.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

chantellabella said:


> If i truly found someone i want and fell in love the passion would be there. im not settling for just anybody to fulfill sexual needs only.


I meant would you select a partner based on your list even if you didn't feel romantic or sexual attraction for him? I've seen people try to do this.

I've been thinking on this topic more because it's interesting. It appears having the rigid criteria and only accepting an ideal is mostly about avoiding risk and pain in this case, which isn't surprising if you've had such bad experiences. If you're feeling vulnerable and unsure about being able to handle a bad situation, you're likely to try to impose rules and ideals to avoid risk as much as possible. But it can become black and white - perfect person or nothing.

The trouble is there's no way to eliminate risk. Even in the case of a near ideal partner there's still all sorts of risk involved in the relationship. It looks like having an ideal set of criteria is really compensation for fear and doesn't come from a place of security, so any relationship based on that might not be based on a healthy foundation.

Everyone should naturally not accept disrespect, so it's surprising it needs to be listed so specifically and isn't a given that general respect is required. If a person's confident they can handle what's thrown at them and stand up for themself, they don't need to try to apply high levels of control. They feel confident they'll be able to address any poor treatment as it happens or kick the guy out once things get too bad, no matter how attached they get. A guy can easily appear similar to what you want at first but it's later any trouble usually begins, ranging from mild to severe.

I hope this makes sense. I'm essentially trying to put across the better solution's more likely inside you. Rather than relying on only accepting an ideal person to protect yourself (and even the best people slip up), the healthier approach could be generally not tolerating disrespect anyway, becoming a good judge of character, and developing confidence you can handle any bad situation as it arises (since this can happen even if his character initially appeared honourable).


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

odd_one_out said:


> I meant would you select a partner based on your list even if you didn't feel romantic or sexual attraction for him? I've seen people try to do this.
> 
> I've been thinking on this topic more because it's interesting. It appears having the rigid criteria and only accepting an ideal is mostly about avoiding risk and pain in this case, which isn't surprising if you've had such bad experiences. If you're feeling vulnerable and unsure about being able to handle a bad situation, you're likely to try to impose rules and ideals to avoid risk as much as possible. But it can become black and white - perfect person or nothing.
> 
> ...


I like your thinking and you've given me some food for thought. As I wrote in my 2nd post I wondered if I had that ideal person how would I deal with it. I was doubting I would be able to cope with even an ideal person.

You're right that my driving force is control and fear and lack of self confidence. I doubt my ability to protect myself from someone who is in my negative list:
"I won't befriend an axe murderer, wife beater, drunk or someone who can't hold a job because of his temper or complaining. 
I won't take someone who needs me to "fix" him 24/7. 
I don't want someone who never wants to do anything or who spends his days gossiping about other people.
I won't stay with someone who thinks the world revolves around him. 
And I don't want people who use me, ridicule me, play co-dependent games, and blame me."

I think it feels much safer to have these rigid guidelines at first. I'm going to think about what you posted. I especially like what you said here:
Everyone should naturally not accept disrespect, so it's surprising it needs to be listed so specifically and isn't a given that general respect is required. If a person's confident they can handle what's thrown at them and stand up for themself, they don't need to try to apply high levels of control. They feel confident they'll be able to address any poor treatment as it happens or kick the guy out once things get too bad, no matter how attached they get. A guy can easily appear similar to what you want at first but it's later any trouble usually begins, ranging from mild to severe."

Thanks for posting.You've been a big help.

Tella (typing very slowly with one hand - broke arm)


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## mnshywoman (Sep 11, 2011)

I'm not much of a list person but sometimes I think it's a good idea to have a list so you actually know what you're looking for - as long as it's more of a guideline, I would never use it as a rigid list of requirements. If you don't have some idea of what you want in a mate/partner - how will you recognize it if you eventually find it?

I was married for several years and now that I've spent some time thinking about the kind of man I really want to be with, I realize my ex had almost none of the qualities I'd like in a man. I married when I was young and I never had much dating experience, so that turned into a huge contributing factor in why I eventually developed a strong dislike for him and ultimately left my marriage.

I played an MMO for about 3 years and during that time was married to 4 or 5 other characters along the way. Granted they ranged in ages from 19-36 but getting to know each of them taught me a lot about what I really want. Now the trick is to find what I want and be lucky enough for "him" to want me.....

So here's my list (I have this in my profile on a dating website, I just copied and pasted here):
_My "ideal man" (knowing that I'm not perfect and he won't be either) would have a good sense of humor, maybe be a little bit more outgoing than me, have at least some basic cooking skills, be caring, affectionate, and of course he'd have to be someone I find attractive. I don't have standards for height, weight, hair color, etc. - he just has to be attractive to me 
_ 
One item I don't have on my profile because I'm not sure how to explain it concisely... but I'll try here. I have 2 kids (they're grown now) but when they were around 10-12 they wanted a dog and so did I. My ex kept saying he didn't want one and that if we got a dog he didn't want to have any responsibility for it. The entire time we were married he reminded us of that constantly - even though I paid all the vet bills and took care of the dog (as well as the kids & the house... and worked full time). In my mind, if a man knows that having a dog will make his wife and kids happy, he should let them have the dog and not whine about it for years and years that he never wanted it. I want a man who is KIND and wants to make me happy - if I have a man in my life who wants to make me happy, it makes me want to make him happy.


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## aloneanddizzy (Jul 1, 2012)

chantellabella said:


> .
> How about we list our perfect partner characteristics (positive) and see if that perfect human being would actually work as our dream relationship (what are we doing wrong??!!!).


Alas, I'm unable to list my perfect partner characteristics because I lack sufficient experience to have any clear idea of what attributes could potentially have been a good fit for me (beyond simple physical attributes, which is clearly not of any value to relate). In addition, even if I had such a list in my mind, actually saying it out loud (or typing it into a forum post) feels like it would be the ultimate act of hubris for a guy like me &#8230; much like someone with no musical experience or ability whatsoever rehearsing their Grammy acceptance speech.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I know that I will be alone forever, but ideally Jesse Isenberg or Seth Rogan types. 

1) Must find a cure for skin infections (since I have one weekly). It's beginning to affect my quality of life.  
2) Nice and kind. No arguing or you have to have the last word types. (No Type A's)
3) Must be able to share cooking. 
4) Must recycle. Must be food safe in the kitchen (wash hands). 
5) Drive the speed limit and wear a seatbelt
6) Put the dishes in the sink (not beside the sink)
7) Turn off the lights when u leave the room
8) Listen to music so I can talk over it. I do not want to be deaf. 
9) Show consideration for others in your life. If everyone is sleeping at least turn the tv down. Listen to your ipod. Use the word thank you. 
10) Watch canucks hockey 
11) Does not like country music. 

It sounds like i'm looking more for a roomate. Not an ideal partner.


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## Xenos (Jun 24, 2012)

Yeah, it feels kind of weird making this list. I don't really have requirements, but when I daydream, these are the kinds of things I imagine:


is kind to me, because that's who she is and not just because she knows I'm fragile
not a drug addict
is smart, but kind of a dork about it; capable of having long intellectual conversations about pop-cultural minutia
gentle
funny, maybe even a little snarky
has a cute way about her; looks are nice, but also, attitude. Cute is always better than 'beautiful.'
likes food; isn't self-conscious about weight
likes to cuddle, likes to touch, generous with physical contact and affection
slightly more outgoing than I am (to motivate me) but still mostly a stay-at-home type
either doesn't want kids, or already has one and doesn't want more


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## applesauce5482 (Apr 26, 2012)

Someone who is understanding.


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

To the OP... I have an idea I always wonder if I am asking to much but... the 1 that has kept me single so far.

1) Finds me attractive, not hot, but has to want to be with me (important no?) 
2) Is kind hearted...someone willing to do just that little extra to help out their friends.
3) Has a sense of humor that I can relate to, can we laugh at some of the same jokes, watch some of the same TV shows together (not all but some...)
4)Is a bit of a flirt even in a cheesy way it makes me smile and laugh
5) Is employed or in school, doing something with purpose in their life.
6) Someone that I find attractive but that really varries if someone has a super shiny personality my "physical characteristic" list is very maliable.



sanspants08 said:


> Questionnaire to be Nick's gf:
> 
> 1. Are you really single?
> 2. No really, separated from your husband doesn't count.
> ...


LOL I'm stealing #9... that is SO important. and your #12. :clap


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

A person of either sex who practices Judaism, I'm tired of going to Synagogue alone.


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## Colhad75 (Dec 14, 2009)

Someone who is spiritual, who can assist me in my efforts to enhance my psychic abilities. Someone I can talk to about soul journeys and pastlife regressions as I have taken an interest in that subject.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

A great scense of humor
Respectful
Kind
Generous
loving


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

AK32 said:


> A great scense of humor
> Respectful
> Kind
> Generous
> loving


I like this ^


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## xtmtx (Apr 17, 2012)

Attractive and nice.


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## sleepytime (Feb 18, 2011)

* Has the same sense of humour as I do. Makes me laugh, and laughs at my jokes too lol
* Sentimental and nostalgic for anything that reminds them of their childhood
* Believes in me, helps me believe in myself
* Likes to travel. See new things and places. Likes the outdoors. 
* Preferably atheist or agnostic...Or at the very least, doesn't live their life by strict religious beliefs
* Easygoing. Doesn't mind having their own space (and allowing me mine) sometimes. 
* Thoughtful, caring and intelligent.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Mine are:


sense of humor
interest in cars(or basically anything with wheels)
enjoys the outdoors and isn't afraid to get dirty, yet enjoys staying at home too
thoughtful and sensitive to others feelings
independent
moderate self esteem, yet humble
non smoker, not a drug user, and not an alcoholic
affectionate
good physical health
30-40 yrs old

Attractive goes without saying, so there's no need to list that. Hmmm, that's all I can think of for now...


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