# What am I supposed to do?



## SMI (Jul 6, 2008)

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum or somethin /:

I'd really like to be able to see a therapist but I see no reasonable way for that to happen. I'm 21 years old, living with my Mom and 3 sisters. My Father is out of the picture, he's gone and made a new family for himself. I have no health insurance as I don't have any sort of job and don't go to school. School... I've tried 3 times for the past 3 years, every time ending in disaster and me dropping out within a month or two.

Basically, with my Mom supporting me and my sisters, there is no way in HELL I could ask for money to see a therapist when really I should be sucking it up, getting a job, and helping out.

Is there anything I can do to see a therapist for a person with no money and no means of getting any? I mean... short of signing myself in to a mental institution, I really see no possible way for me to get help right now. I'm so damn stuck it's ridiculous.

What am I supposed to do?


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hi SMI, and welcome to SAS

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering in that way. I know how it feels to be utterly stuck, needing a way out but seeing absolutely none. I used to feel like if only one little thing would change that would be good. 

You are in a tough position, and for sure if you cannot afford therapy then its hard to know what to say. I am from the UK and I do not know the US insurance system.

Do you have a diagnosis? Do you know what you are suffering from? For example is it depression, SA, a personlity disorder, bipolar and so on?


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## SMI (Jul 6, 2008)

Thanks for the fast reply. I've never had any sort of diagnosis, haven't even been to a doctor in probably 4+ years. I pretty much have just self diagnosed myself with social anxiety disorder right now, it wasn't too hard to figure out. I've known about it for quite a while now and am just now really feeling like I need to do something about it.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Ah ok. I would be interested to know - do you feel that people are going to beat you up or verbally abuse you and try to ostracise you, or does your anxiety come from feeling you personally will screw up and be humiliated?

Are there any 'weirder' things about yourself that you wouldnt want to tell a therapist, such as urges, thoughts, possibly even hearing voices or anything like that? Do you find it hard to be alone or separated from people for even short spaces of time? Do you think that people are generally ok, or do you see everyone as malevolent and evil, or intending to hurt you?


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## SMI (Jul 6, 2008)

More that I will screw up and be humiliated, ESPECIALLY when concerning talking to girls/women. I can't help but feel that I look dumb to the people I'm talking to. After I encounter a particular embarrassing situation, I don't let it go, EVER. It's always in my mind, and I have to do things and think of other things to prevent myself from thinking of how I ****ed up constantly, just to take my mind off of things, you know? EDIT: Just an example, but yesterday I went to buy something from the grocery store, and the price of the item was $5.64 or something like that. I gave the cashier $7 instead of $6 and felt like a complete idiot, totally embarrassed that I would do something so stupid. Right now this is one of the things that keeps popping up in my mind.

No, I don't really hear voices in my head telling me to do things. I don't think I'm very suicidal or anything, I don't think it's in my personality to take my own life. But at the same time, I absolutely wouldn't mind if my life was taken from me. For instance, I would probably feel better about myself if I had cancer or something.

I also like to pretend I am having a conversation with someone. Not really in an insane way, but you know, I don't have anyone to talk to about anything, so I just like to pretend that I am talking to someone (IE: a therapist) about my life, how I feel, and whatnot. Pretty much how I'm typing to you now, I would just imagine a conversation like this in my head. This is probably the first time I've ever been this revealing and vulnerable to anyone...

As for finding it hard to be alone? No, I don't think I mind being separated from people in general, it's just that sometimes I wish I had someone to spend my time with. I've never had a girlfriend before and a lot of times I like to imagine how it would feel to actually have someone to talk to and to share experiences with. I do like being around people though. I like to take walks through the city and just walk around crowded areas, almost in the hopes that something will happen that would help change my situation. I feel that when I'm alone, walking alone, or doing something alone, that it's mundane, pointless, it wont change anything.

I don't see people as evil, I know that. Generally ok definitely. I think I just feel typical SA symptoms in this area, like that people are watching what I'm doing, noticing things that they probably don't notice.


Sorry if I went off topic a bit on some of these things, it all just kind of pours out /:


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## meggiehamilton (Nov 12, 2003)

Try going to your local welfare office and applying for medicaid. Then make an appointment at a local clinic. They usually base their fees on a sliding scale if you are working and if your not your medicaid should cover the expenses.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hey SMI

Thanks for the in depth reply, Im glad you felt able to say all that and it shows a good level of self insight! This will come in handy :yes

I am no doctor or psych, but from having done a lot of reading and my own experiences with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I think its FAIRLY safe to say that you arent suffering from anything like a PD. The other question i would ask is - do you ever have periods of months or short stretches of time where you suddenly feel GREAT, superconfident, pumped up, full of ideas and super sexy, and then after a time this goes? This would be like a period of weeks or months for each. Thats mania - a symptom of Bipolar.

As you seem to fit the bill (at least IMO - which is by no means an official pschiatric diagnosis, though the narcissist in me would like to think so  ) for SA.

I agree with meggie up there. I would also suggest a couple of excellent self help programs. I know that SOUNDS pretty weak, but the programs are based in CBT and Schema therapy, which IMO and in the view of a very large cross section of the psychological community, are some of the best therapies out there.

Many people on this site have begun working with Overcoming Social Anxiety ans shyness by Gillian Butler. This is CBT - and if you read it all carefully and apply the ideas and instructions over a period of months (it tends not happen quickly  ) then you will see good progress. This is what formed a very large part of my overcoming SA.

In addition, Reinventing Your Life by Klosko and Young, another self guided program on Schema Therapy - is immensely powerful. This approach targets the very core of your problems, expalins why you have them and what to do about them. I found this book very enlightening and actually liberating as it explained so much of why I am like I am. Schema is the therapy I am having face to face for my PD's, but it can eqaully be applied in a self help setting provided that the person is not suffering from one of the more complex disorders such as PD's or Bipolar, for example. If you have been this way throughout your whole life, you may find it best to begin with the second book, though having both, AND a medication of you can get it, will give an excllent start to recovery.

You get out what you put in with these things and they are hard work. HAving a therapist IS better because they can guide you, motivate you, help you when you get stuck and most importantly - validate you and show you that your emotions are OK.

This is the approach which I have found massively helpful. I also have spiritual elements that have helped me as well, but as I say this is more for the PD's than the secondary SA that I had.

Any questions, put em up!!


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## SMI (Jul 6, 2008)

To answer your question about the mania thing, I think the answer would be no. There are certain days where I can feel like doing stuff like go out for a jog, take a walk and stuff, but no, usually I just feel a lack of motivation to do... a lot of things.

I think I may have found a clinic near me that helps with mental health issues, though I'm not sure what their deal is or anything about them. I suppose I should call and ask or something, but I haven't gained the courage to do that yet, I hate talking on the phone. I took a walk past the building today though, but didn't go inside, haha.

I'll check out the two books you mentioned too, see if I can find them anywhere local or anything. Hell, it'll probably help my SA just to friggin get these books past the cashier. I guess it'll be mildly embarrassing for a few seconds, but I think I can handle it :3

Also, I'm not sure how long I've had SA, it's hard to pinpoint an accurate time. I'd say it probably started late Jr. high/early high school, so like, 6-9 years ago.

I just checked the book store's online inventory (the store is like, 2 blocks away from my house) and it looks like they have Reinventing Your Life but not Overcoming Social Anxiety. So you say it would be fine to start with reinventing? I may just order the other one online or somethin.


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