# What the hell is wrong with...



## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

...still living with your parents?

This is the second time that I have been cold-shouldered for a date because of this fact. The very second f-ing question that pops out of her mouth after I get her phone# and she calls me back after I called earlier is:

"Do you live with anyone? Who?", and then I say "Yes, I live with my parents and brother." Then she says in a dissapointing tone: "Ohh..ok". *Akward silence*

I then ask "So, do you want to hang out sometime"
her response "I dont know, let me think about it"

:wtf (keeping in mind she lives with a roomate )

This is the second time this happened since 2 years ago when I actually got the courage to talk to a coffee barista one day at a bookstore.

I dont get it, I have a job, a car - I simply choose to live with my parents because it makes life so much easier for me. I dont have to cook, and my monthly payments are minimal so I save a lot of money. I could choose to move out anytime I want, but I like it better this way.
Well, looks like that courage as gone.

Why do you girls hate this so much? Is it because you have something to hide and dont have the patience to have to meet the parents one day in the future? What the hell is wrong with you girls? (not the ones on SA forum, just the non-SA ones in general)

This is extremely frustrating :spank :twak :steam :steam :steam


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## Fanciful Unicorn (Jul 19, 2007)

I get **** for still living at home too.

Lots of girls wont date guys for reasons like living with thier parents because it would "Look bad" when they tried bragging about it to thier friends.

That's what I've noticed about some girls, anyways.


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> I get @#%$ for still living at home too.
> 
> Lots of girls wont date guys for reasons like living with thier parents because it would "Look bad" when they tried bragging about it to thier friends.
> 
> That's what I've noticed about some girls, anyways.


Makes sense, I guess objectification goes both ways.


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I think it's because people associate living with your parents as either you're not ready to start your own life or you're a loser. Unless you're taking care of your family, then I think people perceive it as a negative.


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## Nae (Nov 10, 2003)

It's due in part to the sole materialistic aspirations of so many in our current cultural climate, imo. If you turn on MTV, for instance, you'll see music which only glorifies how much one owns. That's only one example, but I already feel like an old fogey for even mentioned that damned tv station in that light so I'll stop here.


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## colonelpoop (Jun 18, 2008)

If your only 23, girls shouldn't be acting weird about the whole living with your parents thing. It's not that strange for any person to live with their folks even while 23.

I guy at work is 25, still lives with his parents, and has a gorgeous girlfriend.


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## Eraserhead (Sep 23, 2006)

This is probably the main reason I'd rather not return to living with my mom (even if I end up going to med school in my hometown).


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I live with "roommates."


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## Babygirly (Dec 2, 2004)

...Absolutely nothing.. those jerk(ettes).. =|

Next time, say your parents live with you =)


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## jane (Jan 30, 2006)

Really? Nobody sees anything wrong with remaining at home? 

In my family, you finish university, get a job and move out, and buy your own home as soon as possible. That's what my siblings and cousins were expected to do, and what I'm expected to do in the future.

I'm not accusing you of anything, but when you have the means to move out but choose not to, it could be viewed by others as laziness, irresponsibility, cheapness, immaturity, overdependence on your parents, or lack of ambition and drive.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

jane said:


> Really? Nobody sees anything wrong with remaining at home?
> 
> In my family, you finish university, get a job and move out, and buy your own home as soon as possible. That's what my siblings and cousins were expected to do, and what I'm expected to do in the future.


Have you seen the cost of living today? Nobody these days can own a house, and live comfortably otherwise, unless you're making at least $60k/year, and that's for a house on the low end of the market.

A nice house in a nice neighborhood to raise a family in these days is going to cost you half a million dollars, if not more.


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## colonelpoop (Jun 18, 2008)

jane said:


> Really? Nobody sees anything wrong with remaining at home?
> 
> In my family, you finish university, get a job and move out, and buy your own home as soon as possible. That's what my siblings and cousins were expected to do, and what I'm expected to do in the future.
> 
> I'm not accusing you of anything, but when you have the means to move out but choose not to, it could be viewed by others as laziness, irresponsibility, cheapness, immaturity, overdependence on your parents, or lack of ambition and drive.


I do think if you are in your late 20's and still living at home that you then have a definite problem, but early 20's? Come on.

The cost of living is extremely high like PG said. I've lived on my own and it's very difficult.

I much rather live with the folks and not worry about financial problems and be considered "uncool".


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## el33 (Sep 18, 2006)

It's not an absolute barrier to having a girlfriend IMHO.

However, when it's compounded with other problems, like SA, shyness, etc., it absolutely doesn't help.

It's also a double standard. Most guys don't seem to care at all if a girl lives with her parents. A lot of girls seriously disrespect a guy that does though.

Also FYI, it's *at least* $300k to buy a decent place in a decent neighborhood around my parts. Maybe even closer to 400k, realistically. Unless you make enough money that rent is chump change, it's not going to help you in saving for that down payment.


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

jane said:


> Really? Nobody sees anything wrong with remaining at home?
> 
> In my family, you finish university, get a job and move out, and buy your own home as soon as possible. That's what my siblings and cousins were expected to do, and what I'm expected to do in the future.
> 
> I'm not accusing you of anything, but when you have the means to move out but choose not to, it could be viewed by others as laziness, irresponsibility, cheapness, immaturity, overdependence on your parents, or lack of ambition and drive.


I'd really like people (in general) to start thinking about the fact that it is morally unacceptable for every human on earth to move out of their childhood home and buy a new one when the come of age. Rather than blindly following traditions and protocol. (Im not accusing you of anything)

The reasoning behind this comes from Kant's categorical imperative.

You simply cannot have every human (or couple) on earth to buy their own home because there simply isnt enough (habitable) land to go around. Not only that, you are generating far more waste and being more inefficient in general.

In retrospect I think it is lazy and irresposible for kids to keep moving out and buy their own home. And Im not going to give an arm and a leg to some landlord who doesnt give a damn about the upkeep of an apartment building just because it is the 'responsible' thing to do. It actually seems quite irresponsible to me. Why shoot yourself in the foot and throw away your money just to gain a little distance from your parents? They arent going to live nearly as long as you will anyways so might as well help them out while they are alive. Helping your parents with payments and housework requires a strong will and responsibility. That is hardly being cheap since you have to borrow money anyways(i.e. mortgage, lines of credit, etc) in order to pay for your home- unless you are filthy rich and can pay cash.

Ambition is a fluffy excuse for people to live in excess.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

A lot of times people who are "living on their own" in their early 20's are doing so with some help of their parents.


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## Zen Mechanics (Aug 3, 2007)

a lot of friends and people i know my age still live at home, ie 20-21 year olds. but most of the people i know who are about 22-23 have moved out and are renting in share houses or an apartment or whatever.


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## Ignivomous (Mar 31, 2008)

This is a country that values independence and individuality above all else. If you still live with your parents when you are capable of taking care of yourself, no matter how practical your reasons for doing so may be, that dependency on others to get by in life is simply not attractive. If you aren't self-sufficient or on the path to self-sufficiency in some fashion by your mid-20s, it's more often than not going to be seen as a character flaw regardless of the underlying reasons. It's very unfortunate, especially when SA greatly complicates matters and prevents one from securing the income and the confidence necessary to be able to live independently, but getting upset over what you can't change is just silly.

That being said, the mere fact of living with your parents does not have to be a precluding factor in finding a relationship in and of itself, so long as you have ambition in some area of your life and can display it. If you're simply living at home because having someone else cook your meals makes life easier for you, it should come as no surprise that you're getting the responses that you are. Moving out, getting a job, and starting a family are what most people use to show that they aren't complete failures and that they aren't just coasting through life, even if it takes a massive load of debt to get there and they're living a miserable existence once they do. If you live with your parents and don't have something meaningful going on in your life, you're just like these people, only you don't have the house and family to point to that say: "Hey, at least I succeeded at something!"

If you feel you're being misjudged, then give greater play to the other areas of your life that show you're going somewhere; make it so that when the "Who do you live with?" question comes up, the answer really won't matter because you haven't allowed your living situation to define who you are.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Part of the issue of relationships like this is future as well.
We are too "instant gratification", too. The whole point of a relationship Nihlanth is lookng for is a life partner. The girl is n't seeing far enough ahead. If she is willing to see that Nihlanth is where he is now, and has the ability and motivation to be out on his own, then that is cool.

She's materialistic and shallow. Nae has it right with MTV. I remember when it was all videos. I remember the first time I saw that channel at a friend's house, 1985. They kept playing "Money For Nothing" and Madonna's "Dress You Up" :fall.


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

I certainly wont live with my parents for the rest of my life, what my frustration lies in is that these girls do not even know me, hence scratched away the chance of getting to know me through a date. If I really like her, then I will have the motivation to move out and find my own place - but that does not mean I will be dependent on her because it will be at my expense.

What is the point of finding a partner if he/she cannot be somewhat dependent on you? Otherwise, without some measure of dependance, a couple would simply be roomates with some 'action' on the side.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

If I could find work in my hometown, I would have gladly lived with my parents. I'd be able to save so much more money than I can now. On second thought though, they'd drive me crazy after awhile...so the monetary benefit would be soon overcome by the non-monetary psychological cost.

In the past several years, I haven't given a **** about seeking female romantic approval or romantic relationships though, so I'm indifferent to what they think about someone living on their own or with parents/family. It's far more liberating to not feel dependent on such approval, which would require silly feats (like everyone getting their own place regardless of cost or practicality) to impress society's expectations. 

There are indeed girls who don't care if you live at home. Go for them. Don't throw your world upside down for a girl who is ready to dismiss someone for as shallow a reason as your living with your parents/family. That kind of girl is a waste of your time.


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

I'm a bit on a fence about this one, I think the most ridicule comes from the fact that it would be strange bringing home a girl to lets say be intimate and your folks are around? besides that, like everyone else said this country values independency, I'm 22 and getting ready to move out, honestly because I feel like I need to, at this point I'm too comfortable at home and not making the strives to succeed in corporate america. I think it would do me good to rent a place for a while and have the space to my own. Another reason for me is that my parents often dissaprove with my choice of friends, i have couple guy friends who are really cool and they dont want them hanging out at their home.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I never saw anything wrong with it. I live with mine too.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Just lie. 

I sleep on my mom's couch/chair, but then I technically have a room at my dad's house and he is often not home on weekends. So, if a girl is concerned about privacy in a particular regard, it's almost safe. None of these situations ever arise for me, though.


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## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

Living with family or roommates on a long term basis is so unpleasant for me that I think people are crazy to do it willingly. I need independence like I need to breathe air.

I went to college just so I could get a job and someday afford my own place. Now that I have that, it's hard for me to bond with anyone or find any other goals to focus on...

On top of that, I admire people who can "make it on their own"...though I'll admit that it's slightly irrational and everyone has their own unique life circumstances, etc.


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## Superman23 (Jul 6, 2008)

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this topic. Im 33 and live with my disabled dad. Basically there were two reasons I told myself I was living here

1) to help him out financially

2) to save money for college

Suddenly those reasons are gone. We figured out his bills and he can afford to live by himself and I just got a full scholarship for college

My goal now is to pay off my credit cards and have my own apartment by this February when I turn 34


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## danielk (Jun 4, 2008)

Babygirly said:


> Next time, say your parents live with you =)


I love it!


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

Superman23 said:


> I just wanted to say thanks for posting this topic. Im 33 and live with my disabled dad. Basically there were two reasons I told myself I was living here
> 
> 1) to help him out financially
> 
> ...


Thank you, the replies are great and appreciated. :yes


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I don't get this, either. I live at home, and it's mostly because I'm not at a place right now where I can move out. I did live on my own (for 2 years), but lost my apartment for various reasons, and I don't have an income right now to get another apartment. 

People who dismiss potential dates for stupid reasons like this aren't worth your time, anyway. It says more about them than it does about you.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

i still live in the same house I was born and with a legal guardian


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## lonelysoul1980 (Jul 26, 2008)

I still live at home while paying my fair share, but I use my "cultural baggage" as an excuse for that..it's very common for south asians/east indians to do that.

The joke is, "we don't move out, we takeover"

I do want to move out though, I think it's a necessary step for me, as I'm trying to rid myself of social anxiety/depression.

No woman I've ever dated has had a problem w/ it, but that's probably because we're from similar cultural backgrounds.


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## CarlitoBrigante (Oct 29, 2006)

I can understand an independent woman being turned off by this, but in my mind, independent doesn't mean "My parents are helping me fund my way through college, paid for my car and my insurance. I work 10-20 hours a week and spend the rest of my time partying and doing school work". 

There is NOTHING wrong with that, but that is NOT being independent. I live at home right now myself. I have no outside help and make little money. So spending every last cent and struggling on my own makes little sense. I doubt that many of these people would be well off if their parents suddenly stopped funding them.

I'm not making excuses, I have two hands and two feet and am in good health, but it is hard. But I don't see a difference between living at home unfunded and living somewhere else with a strong financial support system.

Independence is great, and being helped by parents is fine if it's available to have. But I think some women (don't know the one in question well enough to say) confuse "independence" with "living away from home". There's a big difference. Many, many people (probably something like 2/3 if I take a guess) are not independent, they just don't live with their parents.


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## Nihlanth (Sep 1, 2004)

lonelysoul1980 said:


> I still live at home while paying my fair share, but I use my "cultural baggage" as an excuse for that..it's very common for south asians/east indians to do that.
> 
> The joke is, "we don't move out, we takeover"
> 
> ...


I could use that excuse but it wouldnt matter...there are virtually no women here that match my cultural background. I mean, most everyone in my state has had a family background of living in th U.S. for many generations and most are white (european ancestry or hispanic/latino). 
So it is very convenient and easy for them to date someone who matches their culutural background. They are very fortunate to have this convenience/luxury. This makes it is next to impossile to find someone that is a good match with me as far as family values and interests goes.

Not only that but there's the difficulty of me not identifying myself with my heritage completely because I feel more American. Though in some ways I dont feel 100% American, so it's like an identity crisis. This would make it just as difficult to find a good match with someone of the same race. So Im pretty much a man with either no identity, or a really weird and strange identity. Either way women will just end up seeing me as faceless number or a weirdo.
I dont live in small town either.


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## quietgal (Oct 18, 2007)

It's one thing if you really want to be close to your parents and take care of them. But for someone to use his cultural background as an "excuse" to continue to live at home for mostly material reasons...that seems kind of underhanded to me.

If you have the ability to move out any time you want, honestly I think you ought to. Otherwise you're basically just postponing the inevitable, since your parents won't be around forever. Find a place near your parents so you can still enjoy their cooking and their company, there's nothing wrong with that, but I think it's worth it to move out if it'll bring you greater success with girls (plus it's awkward to have your parents around if you want to bring a girl home).

Yeah, a lot of girls make snap judgments, don't understand the complexities of the issue, and are biased, but I think it's a fair bias to have, considering the dominant culture of "independence" in the U.S. (however you want to define it). Doesn't mean they're completely shallow and not worth pursuing. You certainly have the choice to stay put and hope a girl comes along who can see past all this (maybe with the economy the way it is now, people will start to be more understanding), but from your original post this just doesn't seem to be working for you. It may seem unfair, but maybe you have to compromise and move out for awhile after all, just to prove to them that you can.


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## colonelpoop (Jun 18, 2008)

Anyone who is pushing their late 20's and still at home definitely sends up a red flag with me, but I just wanted to add this though.

Before Japan & China became westernized about 50 or so years ago, it was completely common place and normal for a married couple to live with their mom and dad. I'm sure it had financial benefits, but that wasn't why people it did it. It was just the culturally accepted norm and family life was something highly valued and esteemed.

Logically, I don't think you can actually make an argument as to why living at home with your parents denigrates or hurts your character. It's just been so ingrained into us socially that it seems strange to think of an adult man or woman choosing to live with their parents.

To echo what Carlito said. I know many people who do live on their own that are my age, but their mommy and daddy are the ones footing the bill for their groceries and rent. To say that they are somehow more "independent" is just silly.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Is it any better to live with a roommate? I mean, you kind of still can't have sex comfortably. You mine as well be living at home... especially if you are sleeping on their couch, or your own futon, in the living room.


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## Slothrop (Aug 11, 2007)

colonelpoop said:


> Before Japan & China became westernized about 50 or so years ago, it was completely common place and normal for a married couple to live with their mom and dad. I'm sure it had financial benefits, but that wasn't why people it did it. It was just the culturally accepted norm and family life was something highly valued and esteemed.


This is still extremely popular in Mediterranean nations, especially amongst Italians. Most of my family, well into their late 20s and 30s, still live with their parents. Unemployment and an extreme lack of opportunity in the southern regions of Italy are key factors behind this trend, but the culture itself is very accepting of the lifestyle.

23 is a rather young age and it's surprising to me that you'd be "expected" to be moved out by then. I could understand if you were 29, but that's a long way off. You're still at an age where most have to pay off school debts with odd jobs and eventually find a career. As important as independence is, it's not easy to balance all of this while paying rent and being forced to adjust to inflation and soaring prices in almost all industries.

Personally, I plan on moving out by March of 2009. I'm only 20, but have a fair amount of money saved up, mainly because I don't have any real expenses. Also, I've been in a steady relationship for just under a year and the privacy and independence that downtown living offers is certainly appealing to me. If not for that, I'd be saving my money up for a future down payment on a mortgage and not worry about moving for a good 5-6 years.



BeNice said:


> Is it any better to live with a roommate? I mean, you kind of still can't have sex comfortably. You mine as well be living at home... especially if you are sleeping on their couch, or your own futon, in the living room.


That's probably not an issue if you were to get a 2 bedroom place. I'm planning on getting a 2br and splitting that between three people. My partner and I in the one room and her friend in the second room. You can get a much nicer place for a cheaper price with a room-mate.


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## Snickersnack (Jun 21, 2008)

Nihlanth said:


> I'd really like people (in general) to start thinking about the fact that it is morally unacceptable for every human on earth to move out of their childhood home and buy a new one when the come of age. Rather than blindly following traditions and protocol. (Im not accusing you of anything)
> 
> The reasoning behind this comes from Kant's categorical imperative.
> 
> ...


Nah, man, there's no excuse for not being a billionaire, playboy or otherwise-if every single person just pulled themselves up out of the easy chair, took a few night classes, started reading a couple of Ayn Rand books (purchased rather than borrowed from a library-that just encourages handouts) and started working harder for the food and health care for their kids they're always b*tching about, they'd be wealthy too. Poverty is just the gods of the free market punishing lazy working class scum, just like corporate taxes and regulations are just holding back our best, brightest, and most productive citizens. Yep, nothing faulty with that logic!
:sus

Seriously, the stigma of living with your parents does suck, and I wish people weren't so dismissive of those who do. Of course, what do I know-I've only lived at home when school is out, so I can't really speak on the behalf of those who live at home for longer periods. Just one more month and I'll be moving into my new place (because I _like_ living alone and can barely afford it-I certainly don't think I'm any better than someone who doesn't, who is anything but a "loser"-whatever the modern definition of that is. Plus, I _have_ gotten family handouts, so I'm hardly more "independent" than someone else.).

Of course, even while renting, I still won't have a personal car, which, apparently, means you're almost as much of a "loser" in society's eyes-although I'm not really sure. Is it better to own a car and live at home or rent and not drive? Honestly, how could _anyone_ pick the first one? The amount of importance we place on our smoke-spewing metal beasts is appalling.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

Fanciful Unicorn said:


> I get @#%$ for still living at home too.
> 
> Lots of girls wont date guys for reasons like living with thier parents because it would "Look bad" when they tried bragging about it to thier friends.
> 
> That's what I've noticed about some girls, anyways.


Whoa, what the hell? You're only 21 and you're a female (sorry had to say that since I've noticed girls get less crap for living with parents than guys do). Those guys are dirty nasty ****ing jerks if they give you crap for living at home.

Anyways, I honestly don't care if a guy still live with his parents. My guy friend is 25 and he still lives at home. Two of my exes still lives at home and it didn't bother me one single bit. Even though they were a bit younger than you 20-21, but still.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I don't really know what the big deal is, honestly. People can still live with their parents, work, drive, and have the independence to come and go as they please; it's not like mommy comes in to read them bedtime stories. I just turned 23 and I still live at home; I was considering moving out in September, but that would take every ounce of money I have.... I can't work enough hours to make employment worthwhile because I'm in grad school, and that's a full time job in itself. That basically leaves me spending all of my money and eating canned ravioli, and then selling my own blood and eggs on the weekend. Living at home (as unbearable and humiliating as it may be) is my only alternative, unless I want to share a dorm room with an 18 year old girl, which is..... no. Not happening.


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