# Not understanding SA



## Known (May 9, 2021)

Do people find that friends believe you have social anxiety or do you feel you have to keep explaining to people and they don’t understand or they think you are angry with them?

**_update to this post so it turns out this person did believe me but I was just being paranoid. It’s weird how the anxiety does that totally alters perceptions of reality. Going to try to believe that others think more positively about me and stop expecting negative evaluation *_


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## lavignesabine (Apr 15, 2021)

yeah I think like a lot of mental illnesses, they will accept you have it but won’t be accommodating of the symptoms in my experience


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## Known (May 9, 2021)

deleted


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I think when you tell people you have social anxiety they think social interactions are, like, 10% harder for you, so you just have to "try a little bit harder". They are sympathetic about that extra 10% effort you have to put out, but they don't seem to have any sympathy at all for failing to behave in socially expected ways. SA would never be an excuse, for example, for not doing something they want you to do. So I'm not surprised that your friend is acting that way. But the problem is most likely that she doesn't understand your anxiety, not that you don't have anxiety.

Ime, you can tell people you have SA, they will mostly accept it without too much difficulty, they may be slightly more sympathetic, but they really won't understand it or alter their expectations about you.


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## EmotionlessThug (Oct 4, 2011)

My family thinks that I'm shy or slow in the brain. I told my therapist that my environment is bad for my health and also the people too. What triggered my Social Anxiety is my classmates and teachers back in elementary school.


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## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

Well, if you're telling your friends that you have SA then you've taken a bigger step than I ever have as I've never told anyone. I don't think anyone I know would understand or know what I'm talking about. It's difficult for some people to believe things that they haven't experienced themselves or put themselves in another person's shoes.


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## Raies (Nov 3, 2016)

Don't think the friend group I've been open to about SA really thought that much of it, as it's not really something that defines me as a person. (I brought it up once as it was relevant to the context we were discussing).

I think mental illnesses and disabilities aren't something you should let define you, even though they unavoidably affect how you interact with things.
I act different socially due to having social anxiety, but that doesn't mean all my sociality comes from the scope of social anxiety.

Therefore, for the friend group, it might help them understand why I react to some things the way I do (not very active on social media for one, they've been more understanding than most others when it comes to that). But if your sociality is about you being socially anxious, it will become a burdain, and it's hard to make or keep friends.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I can't really imagine ever telling anyone that I have SA. I think it would make interacting with those people incredibly awkward and kind of defeat the purpose of telling them in the first place.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

WillYouStopDave said:


> I can't really imagine ever telling anyone that I have SA. I think it would make interacting with those people incredibly awkward and kind of defeat the purpose of telling them in the first place.


Telling people I had SA was a way for me to explain behaviors that had _already_ made my interactions with them incredibly awkward. If I hadn't explained that I had SA, they would have been left with an even worse impression of my behavior (for example, that I didn't care about them, that I was doing something illegal, etc.). Things that could have terminated the relationship or gotten me into trouble.

Sometimes I told people that my odd behavior was a result of my SA instead of admitting that it was something worse (eg. violent impulses arising from my OCD or my gender dysphoria). And, ofc, if you are in a relationship, it is virtually impossible to conceal the fact that you have SA. When your partner is demanding to know what's wrong with you, you have to tell them _something_.

Telling people I had SA was always, in every case, the lesser of two evils, otherwise I would not have mentioned it. I do not go around telling people I have SA for the fun of it. I tell them I have SA because my behaviors are already so noticeably abnormal that they're already creating problems in my relationships.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

truant said:


> Telling people I had SA was a way for me to explain behaviors that had _already_ made my interactions with them incredibly awkward. If I hadn't explained that I had SA, they would have been left with an even worse impression of my behavior (for example, that I didn't care about them, that I was doing something illegal, etc.). Things that could have terminated the relationship or gotten me into trouble.
> 
> Sometimes I told people that my odd behavior was a result of my SA instead of admitting that it was something worse (eg. violent impulses arising from my OCD or my gender dysphoria). And, ofc, if you are in a relationship, it is virtually impossible to conceal the fact that you have SA. When your partner is demanding to know what's wrong with you, you have to tell them _something_.
> 
> Telling people I had SA was always, in every case, the lesser of two evils, otherwise I would not have mentioned it. I do not go around telling people I have SA for the fun of it. I tell them I have SA because my behaviors are already so noticeably abnormal that they're already creating problems in my relationships.


I see.

In my case, it isn't that things are not already awkward. It's just that I think it would make things even more awkward than they already are. Of course this is going to be different with different people. I don't have violent impulses so that isn't an issue with me.

For me, having a topic like that "out in the open" with people would just make me avoid them entirely. Like if I walked out the door and saw them, I'd just stop and turn around and walk back in and not come back out until they were gone. I just don't need more of that crap.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

I met my only offline friend in a social anxiety group, so it wasn't hard to convince her or explain. I did have one non-SA online friend who I met up with a few times 20 years ago, who seemed to be understanding enough about it when I explained.

I haven't specifically spelled it out to family, but they know how I was when I lived with them, so I figure that's more informative than introducing a new label would be. The generalized label is only for people who don't know the specifics.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

@WillYouStopDave 

I think people's circumstances are too idiosyncratic for there to be a right or wrong way to deal with self-disclosure. For some people, it's going to be better not to mention it; for others, it will be better if they do mention it. For you (and probably most people) it would make things more awkward; for me, it makes things less awkward. I always feel more relaxed with someone after it's out in the open.


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## Saeta (Jul 31, 2018)

Known said:


> Do people find that friends believe you have social anxiety or do you feel you have to keep explaining to people and they don’t understand


I only have to do this with other people who have social anxiety. People who don't have it and meet me have no trouble understanding it.


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## Known (May 9, 2021)

truant said:


> @WillYouStopDave
> 
> I think people's circumstances are too idiosyncratic for there to be a right or wrong way to deal with self-disclosure. For some people, it's going to be better not to mention it; for others, it will be better if they do mention it. For you (and probably most people) it would make things more awkward; for me, it makes things less awkward. I always feel more relaxed with someone after it's out in the open.


Yeah have appreciated everyone’s thoughts on this . I think what gets me though is not whether to disclose or not but the fact I’ve not been believed makes me doubt whether I actually have social anxiety


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