# being shallow?



## waytooshy23 (Jul 12, 2009)

Im not sure if this is the correct place to post this but it seems about right.

Anyone else extremely shallow? For some reason i end up liking the girls that are so beautiful and totally out of my league without even weighing their personality traits. There are girls in my life that have amazing personality but physically are not attractive to me. Its funny because the girls i like are the ones that i have absolutly no chance with. This is a terrible trait to have especially with SA because i feel like a hypocrit. Why shuld i be on this forums asking for help because i feel so hideous when the only girls i like are close to perfect? Am i a bad person for this? Anyone else feel this way?


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## igotproblems (Jul 8, 2009)

Bad person? No.
Do you realize that you have an undesirable character flaw? Yes. by your own account.

Do you need to change this? I don't know if you can nor if you should try.
If you're not attracted to someone despite them having a wonderful personality, don't try to feel physically attracted to them. You'll not likely feel any more physically attracted to them, and possibly really hurt their feelings.

My ex-husband was a fantastic guy. He was even considered good looking by many of my peers. I just wasn't physically attracted to him. After 5 years of marriage, it never got any better.

Deal with it... you are what you are.

There was a quote that I'll paraphrase from the movie "Defending your Life" with Albert Brooks
_go for someone that is just attractive enough to turn you on._ 
They don't have to be a super-model... but they should give you a physical reaction.


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## ellektra (Mar 19, 2007)

I admit to being the same way and I, too, feel like a hypocrit for it. But when I really think about it, I feel like my whole life I have focused on MY appearance because I have always felt that I don't have a personality. I tried to use my appearance as a fall back for social acceptance -- I am by no means a beauty queen, but I think people acknowledge I put an effort into my appearance. Because of this, (as horrible as this is to say) I feel like I have also grown up being judgemental of other people's appearances. It is a nasty, horrible trait to have and I am trying hard to change. But I am the same way with guys, I really only look at the good looking ones who are out of my league. I can definitely see where SA could influence shallowness. At least you recognize it as a negative trait, that's the first step to changing (if you want to -- I think that's what it comes down to)


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## miminka (May 10, 2009)

I don't have the luxury of being shallow. I've never been shallow because I want people to love me and I don't give a **** about their looks. Hopefully people don't give a **** about mine.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.

seriously, i think thats not being shallow as everyone looks for beauty in the other person. if you can get with one who you feel may be out of your league, more power to you. then you will learn that it's not all about looks


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## TigerLilyie (Jul 14, 2009)

Honestly, I do not think you are being shallow. I think it's natural to have those physical attractions. Don't get me wrong--I think mentally it's just as important. Seems to me you want the "full package".


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

AudreyHepburn said:


> I don't have the luxury of being shallow. I've never been shallow because I want people to love me and I don't give a **** about their looks. Hopefully people don't give a **** about mine.


This is what I wanted to say but you've said it much better haha.


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## justforester (Jun 17, 2009)

lol that's what every guy is like.... Don't you have guy friends who are like "yeah, man. I wanna talk to Nancy because she's lost weight and is looking fit, yadiyadiyada....." 

You're describing most guys, don't feel bad. A lot of girls are like this, but less so. I'm like this, yet I can't even get close to girls - even when they're showing a lot of interest, and especially when they're attractive and coming on to me. 

have you even tried to get an attractive girl?? Sure, there's much higher potential for rejection, but at least, try.


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## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

this sounds like you're looking for something safe. i also look for people who are obviously unattainable (not because they're "out of my league," but for other reasons) because i know it will never happen, so being attracted to them won't mean i have to leave my comfort zone.


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## delirium (Jun 24, 2009)

Sounds like you're a regular guy.


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## dunky (Jul 10, 2009)

I'm overweight, I'm cynical (but I've gotten better) and I'm lazy. And when I see these qualities in other people, I don't like it. I know this is really because I have a problem with myself and these three qualities. Oddly enough though, a fat dude won't bother me if he's not too big (I've got a very large friend, bigger then me, who's weight doesn't bother me, but that's it) but large girls, as much as I say I don't have a problem with them, sometimes I do.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

I think I'm intellectually or socially shallow. If I don't share similar tastes with someone, then I tend to avoid them. I immediately assume they won't understand me.


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## karmakatcher (May 3, 2009)

I think you sound totally normal and not vain. I always go for people I think are out of my league. I know some people say that its more about the personality, but lets be real, personality is surely not the first thing you notice when a person walks in a room. 

I also agree with tigerlily about knowing that if the person is unattainable in some way you really dont have to come out of your comfort zone.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

delirium said:


> Sounds like you're a regular guy.


Sadly this is true. Most guys are shallow and only into looks, it seems SA and shy guys are shallower then most too. Very annoying but at least anyone so shallow will end up either alone or in an unhappy relationship with someone whose personality doesn't mesh well with them.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

LoneLioness said:


> Sadly this is true. Most guys are shallow and only into looks, *it seems SA and shy guys are shallower then most too.* Very annoying but at least anyone so shallow will end up either alone or in an unhappy relationship with someone whose personality doesn't mesh well with them.


I can sympathize with any bad experiences you've had in this department, but I'm seriously doubting the bolded statement. My reasoning is this: while SA affects a great variety of people, I have to think that on the whole it's slightly biased towards the below-average looking, simply because being unattractive is a potential cause of SA. And those of us who are below-average looking tend to (a) sympathize with our counterparts of the opposite sex, and (b) have lower "standards" ourselves when it comes to the girls we would actually pursue, if only out of necessity. Plus, the descriptor "SA/shy" basically weeds out all the frat boy, bar-hopping types, who we can surely agree are among the most shallow people out there. Overall, though I have no proof (and there's essentially no way to prove anything related to this topic, including your claim), I strongly suspect the exact opposite is true: the average shy/SA guy is maybe less likely to judge a woman strictly on looks than the average non-SA guy. Who knows, though.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

anomalous said:


> I can sympathize with any bad experiences you've had in this department, but I'm seriously doubting the bolded statement. My reasoning is this: while SA affects a great variety of people, I have to think that on the whole it's slightly biased towards the below-average looking, simply because being unattractive is a potential cause of SA. And those of us who are below-average looking tend to (a) sympathize with our counterparts of the opposite sex, and (b) have lower "standards" ourselves when it comes to the girls we would actually pursue, if only out of necessity. Plus, the descriptor "SA/shy" basically weeds out all the frat boy, bar-hopping types, who we can surely agree are among the most shallow people out there. Overall, though I have no proof (and there's essentially no way to prove anything related to this topic, including your claim), I strongly suspect the exact opposite is true: the average shy/SA guy is maybe less likely to judge a woman strictly on looks than the average non-SA guy. Who knows, though.


Well I see this kind of topic come up here alot from the guys here or guys here commenting about how they only want a hot chic. SA doesn't make people any more accepting...if anything it seems to me the reason some people have SA is because they are so busy judging others that they can't help but worry that others are judging them.

I've also always gone for shy guys but every one of them liked some girl that was way better looking then me. And I've chatted with a ton of guys online and 99% of them never expressed any interest in me or meeting me, the majority of them were shy. Back when I didn't have a pic online too I used to always have guys cutting off contact with me after seeing it...seemed I had slightly better luck with non shy guys there.

And barhopping types are usually just after casual sex while some of them will only go for the hottest chic most of them really will sleep with anything not hidious.

Also most people here are rather average looking but I've seen more attractive then unattractive people on this site. I really think the only thing looks have to do with causing SA is if you looked bad when you were young (childhood and teen years) and were bullied because of it. Theres just too many unattractive people without SA for me to think that simply looking bad can cause someone anxiety, it has to be more then that.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

one cannot got against our genes. a female with big hips and big breasts shows that she has a greater chance of having healthy babies. this is not shallow but it's nature natural selection...or whatever one wants to call it. females go for the more cut looking, bigger, and alpha male because the chances of her babies being protected and well fed are greater. 

one cannot simply disregard this and label every male that finds beautiful females attractive shallow. 

we can consider the following: in every group there is a female that is hotter then the rest and a male that is more alpha then the rest. lets say that in this particular group there is a really hot chic and all males are average joes. one of those average joes is the more alpha then the others. he is still an average joe but stands out more because he has alpha traits. following natural selection, then the most attractive female will, most likely find him attractive, and pick him by default. now this alpha average joe got with the hot chick by default, is he shallow for getting with her? no. natural selection. 

we can use big brother (TV show) as an example. does the guy with the glasses has a high chance of sleeping with a hot chic where there are alpha males in there? no. but i bet the guy with glasses would get together with a hot chic if the opportunity presented itself. would he be shallow? no.

keeping this in mind, a lot of online dating doesn't work because natural selection is not natural. in a forum, the alpha male would be the one who stands out. in a chat room the alpha male may be the guy who has a deep voice on mic even though he may look like shreck. natural selection doesn't work right in these situations. a lot of people can put fake pics, lie about their age, etc. 

if one cannot find that significant other it is either because 1) one is not looking 2) one is looking in the wrong place 3) one doesn't know how relationships work

when one is in this type of confusion, then one can easily find faults in the opposite sex.

having said that, there are shallow guys out there.

conclusion: one can see that looks do play a big roll in natural selection. 

complicated stuff but if one sits down and thinks about it (at least in my case) one can be enlighten.


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## jellybelly (May 10, 2009)

I am extremely shallow and a big fat hypocrite! 

I think of myself as a visually/aesthetically-orientated person; I like beautiful things. I can't help it. Because of my SA, I've never actually gotten to know any member of the opposite sex very well, so I've not been able to be attracted to someone's personality, yet I still feel the need/urge to be attracted to/obsessed with men. So I obsessed over great looking men. Because they look good. I will never know them personally, so the personality doesn't matter.

And I also agree about the unattainableness and staying in comfort zone. I'm trying to deal with this at the moment; there's this beautiful man I have a huge crush on and I only see him from a distance every now and again and always crave to see him more. Recently, I have seen him more. And then I wondered how on earth I would cope with/react if someone like him actually cared that I existed and liked me back. And I don't know whether I like him because he's gorgeous and seems nice, or just because I can't ever have him because I am so sub-standard. But I can't have anyone anyway.

But yeah. I don't think you are a bad person for feeling like you do. You can't help who you're attracted to. And there are some good looking people with good personalities too. And people who aren't physically so attractive can have attractive personalities.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

there are three steps females can try to get with opposite sex.

NOTE: these three steps require a balance for them to work. meaning not going over the line.

1) being a peacock - dressing proactive to attract the opposite sex. one has to stand out then the rest of the flock to the opposite sex. when one has been noticed, then one needs to put out signals either by simply smiling or by giving a casanova look. if the opposite sex 'checks out the merchandise' and decides the fruits worth trying then he will go shopping.

2) being understanding - one has to make the opposite sex open up in oder to build value to the newly developing friendship. one has to be able to laugh at their jokes and one has to be patient. also, one should be caring and very understanding, like taking care of a baby. 

3) being dominant - one has to take full control of the relationship. one has to always be one step ahead of the opposite sex. when talking on the phone, one has to ALWAYS let the target go first (hang up on him). one has to make the target call first. everytime the dominant person hangs up should say something like "call me later". then when that person calls, one should not answer on the first, second, or third phone ring, but at the forth...etc etc.

granted i'm a little drunk :boogie and these steps are not well thought out (rough draft) but they have some truth to them.


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## epril (Mar 24, 2009)

mrfixit said:


> there are three steps females can try to get with opposite sex.
> 
> NOTE: these three steps require a balance for them to work. meaning not going over the line.
> 
> ...


What about being the shy, cute girl next door type with t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail? Not a peacock but don't guys still like this type?


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## jmoop (Jul 12, 2009)

epril said:


> What about being the shy, cute girl next door type with t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail? Not a peacock but don't guys still like this type?


That's the type a guy will "settle" for when all the hot girls have already rejected him or been taken...

I'm kidding. I know plenty of "girl-next-door" types that have gotten married and had kids. Their husbands are "guy-next-door" types.


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## somethinginthewind (Jul 11, 2009)

mrfixit said:


> one cannot got against our genes. a female with big hips and big breasts shows that she has a greater chance of having healthy babies. this is not shallow but it's nature natural selection...or whatever one wants to call it. females go for the more cut looking, bigger, and alpha male because the chances of her babies being protected and well fed are greater.


I don't know whether to laugh at this or just be :um


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

Not really. I like variety of looks and body types on a woman and I'd rather she have some brains than be really hot.


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## Mr. Frostie (Nov 2, 2008)

mrfixit said:


> one cannot got against our genes. a female with big hips and big breasts shows that she has a greater chance of having healthy babies. this is not shallow but it's nature natural selection...or whatever one wants to call it. females go for the more cut looking, bigger, and alpha male because the chances of her babies being protected and well fed are greater.


I'm not so sure about this. Most of the young women now seem to prefer ectomorphic men to the Mr. Universe or "cut" guys. Mostly people just like people who look like themselves, though. Ever notice how fat people choose other fat people, short people choose short people, etc.? I believe there is someone for all of us. SAD is our biggest hurdle when it comes to relationships.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

> What about being the shy, cute girl next door type with t-shirts, jeans, and a ponytail? Not a peacock but don't guys still like this type?


of course guys will like that type of girl. there's someone for everyone in every 'group'. neighbors are part of the neighbor group. if one goes to church, the gathering is a group. where one works, is another type of group. school is a group. and so on. some groups have more to choose from then others. so i guess from this one can conclude that one needs to put themselves out there, play the game, and 'choose' and 'pick' who to allow in in ones life. in all, theres someone for everyone.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

> I'm not so sure about this. Most of the young women now seem to prefer ectomorphic men to the Mr. Universe or "cut" guys.


thats an opinion. what i'm talking about is all in nature and there has been research in the science of attraction with some compelling evidence.



> Mostly people just like people who look like themselves, though. Ever notice how fat people choose other fat people, short people choose short people, etc.? I believe there is someone for all of us. SAD is our biggest hurdle when it comes to relationships.


when one is young and 'dumb', one does not know ones beauty. experience teaches them if a female/male is out of their league or not. but as a whole everyone is attracted to facial features and body.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Mr. Frostie said:


> Ever notice how fat people choose other fat people, *short people choose short people*, etc.?


_No._


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## Mr. Frostie (Nov 2, 2008)

mrfixit said:


> thats an opinion. what i'm talking about is all in nature and there has been research in the science of attraction with some compelling evidence.


Then let's see this "compelling evidence." A sleazy web course on seducing women is not a valid source.


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## mrfixit (Jun 25, 2009)

> Then let's see this "compelling evidence." A sleazy web course on seducing women is not a valid source.


enlighten yourself.

http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/science-of-sex-appeal/

note to self - don't bother next time.


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## contranigma (Jun 24, 2009)

Yeah, I think I'm kind of shallow, but I think I need to be attracted to a girl to date her. Having said that, I've never had a girlfriend. But my range isn't too narrow. Probably what's more of an issue for me is that I'm real artistic and attracted to crazy, artistic, goth, tattooed, ****ty, pierced girls, but they would never notice me because I dress like a totally upstanding citizen.


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