# Im not married and I dont want to.



## Aurora (Feb 27, 2009)

*


----------



## JordanJP (Sep 1, 2009)

hey 

I understand where you're coming from and your perspectives on the whole marriage issue. 

And I think you're right that it's up to you and your boyfriend on whether marriage is right or not. No one should "force" the two of you to get married. You shouldn't be required to follow "societies standards", ie : Get married, have children etc..

I mean and it's your life and why not be happy in your own way

Anyways good luck with everything and best on everything the future holds for you and your family.

PS

I don't know If I myself would ever want to get married, however only time will tell.


----------



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I never understood it either. I think it's mostly just people going through the motions because "that's what people do". I doubt most people ever stop and actually figure out that they don't need a piece of paper to spend their entire life together. A lot of people have this fantasy that marriage somehow makes people more faithful or something.


----------



## moreblah (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't see the need for an expensive wedding ring or an overplanned wedding day either, but having to sign a piece of paper doesn't bother me any. It may be against everything I believe in, but what good is fighting every battle you know you can't win when you'll only end up driving yourself crazy?



> 5. I dont believe in the fantasy of 'forever', not that I dont believe people can grow old together, but you cant tell the future, who knows what will happen. Some people grow old together, some grow apart. You cannot possibily say forever EVER!


Love isn't just a feeling, it's also a decision. You can definitely say forever, but only if you choose to.



> 8. My child needs a mother and father who love them, what does it matter if were not 'married'?


If your child is an adult it might not matter if you and your spouse don't even live together, but if your child is a child it might bother him/her that you're dating someone who isn't his/her father.


----------



## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

I agree with every single point you made. I have never fantasized about my wedding day and the perfect dress and all that stuff, at least not as long as I can remember. Maybe I did when I was 11 and believed that was the normal thing to do. I want to be in a committed, long-term relationship, but I never want to be married.


----------



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Amen, Aurora. For me it's not wanting marriage or kids, but I don't think it's so much an issue of our specific situations as it is about people who don't know how to mind their own business. I've never understood why people get so invested in others' living situations. My theory is that if someone is happy with their own life choices they're not going to be overly concerned with how others live their lives. I feel sorry for people who live through others, their lives must be pretty dull.


----------



## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

It's funny because, even if you're at a really young age (say five or six), and you say that you want to get married someday, people will take you seriously. Of course they'll say stuff like, "Not too soon," but they'll actually believe you.

You could be that very same age and say that you NEVER want to get married, and people will just brush it off and say, "Yeah, that's what they all say."

I say it's just another case of the extroverted man trying to keep us introverts down... or something. We should riot! :mum


----------



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

^ Yup.

When I say I don't want kids, people have often smiled indulgently and said, "You'll change your mind." It's so annoying, like I don't know my own mind.


----------



## locsaf (Sep 3, 2009)

,


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I think I wont ever get married either, seems a bit pointless. Don't give in!


----------



## Dempsey (Jun 27, 2009)

Mmm one of my sister has been with her boyfriend for 11 years and has a 9 year old with him and neither of them could be bothered getting married.
My other sister just got divorced after 3 years, and they have a 1 year old.

Marriage is a bogus tradition.


----------



## jer (Jun 16, 2009)

I was married once. I dont want to be married again.

Just a woman who loves me is fine enough


----------



## Drachasor (Aug 23, 2009)

Aurora said:


> 1. Im not religious. Why would a non religious person get married? Why does anyone go along with the tradition?


Why celebrate birthdays or any holiday? Why celebrate anniversaries? Why celebrate anything? There are, for lack of a better term, rituals we perform about meaningful things in our life. The purpose is to underline the meaning for ourselves and those we care about. For someone who isn't religious, like me or you, you can easily have a secular marriage. You invite those you really care about to celebrate the love and the bond you and your mate have. Is there anything saying you have to do this? No, but it can be fun and meaningful to do it (which is why you would do it).



Aurora said:


> 2. I dont need a ring on my finger to show people 'Im committed so back off' I have my voice for that.


True, and it doesn't necessarily tell people to back of. I think a ring on your finger can be nice for the one wearing though, as a personally meaningful memento of the love you and your partner have for each other. Necessary? No more than a marriage is. It can be nice though.



Aurora said:


> 4. My name is my name, not his.


You don't have to change your name if you don't want to.



Aurora said:


> 5. I dont believe in the fantasy of 'forever', not that I dont believe people can grow old together, but you cant tell the future, who knows what will happen. Some people grow old together, some grow apart. You cannot possibily say forever EVER!


You can certainly make your own vows. In any case, I think it is more about stating your intention to stay together out loud to other loved ones, than it is about anything else. That sort of thing can help give you some added strength if times get tough to work through problems. It can also help give the witnesses some impetus to help you two out if you have problems and want some help. IMHO.



Aurora said:


> 6. I have no desire to throw a party for us. Cant we celebrate our love and committment to each other privately everyday without the party?


Sure, but a wedding is a way to announce that love and commitment to others. It also typically provides a number of happy memories. It also serves a useful role in helping the two families feel a bit more together, and in so doing helps strengthen the support structure you two have if times get tough. Also, it is something other people like to celebrate as well (which is in part why people bug you, no doubt), and if you can do something that you a a bit neutral on but will probably be a bit of fun and make your loved ones happy...why not?

It doesn't have to be any big or elaborate affair. My brother was married by a Justice of the Peace and had a small party at his house with only immediate family. Very little fuss overall.



Aurora said:


> 7. A white dress? I dont like what it symbolizes. Like Im pure??? LOL. My mother wore a red dress it was pretty.


You don't have to wear anything you don't want to.



Aurora said:


> 8. My child needs a mother and father who love them, what does it matter if were not 'married'?


That's certainly more important to the child than whether you are married.



Aurora said:


> 9. Any legal committment can be broken, with divorce! so its not exactly solid is it?


No, but a marriage helps provide some legal force to figure things out in the event of a divorce. That helps provide for the child, for instance.



Aurora said:


> 10. I dont see people in a long term relationship any different to a married couple. Still has the same morals.


Agreed. As long as you make the same commitment to each other as you would during whatever marriage ceremony you had. (Which is usually the case in a long-term relationship).



Aurora said:


> 11. Didnt we commit when we settled down together? Isnt that the point of a relationship, committment? So why would getting married make it any different?


Yes, but we are, to an extent, creatures of ritual. You shouldn't underestimate the potential usefulness of a ritual to provide comfort and joy to yourself and others. It might seem silly, but just going through a wedding, saying whatever vows you come up with and your intention to follow them in front of others, can provide you additional strength and will to work through any large problems you might face in the future. That sort of thing is useful even for an atheist.



Aurora said:


> 12. When you've lived with someone for 5 years, you are married without it being officially on paper. Infact according the law living with a partner for over 1 year is legally 'defacto'.
> According to centrelink/social welfare in this country, the day you move in with a partner you are defacto, lol (that was a joke to anyone whos experienced their stupidity).


Common-law marriages vary from place to place. In the U.S. some States don't have them at all. Nonetheless, a wedding isn't necessarily about the label.


----------



## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

i'm not into marriage either. 
i know a lot of my relatives just assume i will get married, so when my father or mother or grandma mention it in some way ("i hope i'll still be there to dance at your wedding..") i don't want to break it to them that i don't plan on getting married or when i have its kind of like "well you feel like that now but you'll come around..".

nothings wrong with not choosing marriage. you don't need it to "finalize" any mutual love and strong bond you have with another person. you don't need it to be able to be equally caring parents for your child.

i remember when i was a kid that was still strange for someone to be together like that and be unmarried. one of my teachers lived with a man and had a child with him but chose not to get married as she felt it wasn't necessary even though they loved eachother and equally wanted children. odd that i hadn't heard of anyone being so adamant like that but i do remember other classmates and mothers hearing about it and complaining about how wrong it is for the child *shrugs*


i've read some good points on benefits of getting married, but mostly for me they are not enough to want it that bad.


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

i see marriage as an outdated religious ceremony. i'll never get married either


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I don't ever want to get married, either. Just the thought of standing up in front of everyone and going through those motions, plus kissing the bride in front of everyone, just makes me feel nervous. 

I'd rather elope than get married, to be honest.


----------



## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

I want to marry a rich old woman, exclusively for money...
and when the old hog dies, I will inherit all that cash and will be able to afford the hottest girls there is...


----------



## hyacinth_dragon (Dec 28, 2008)

Amen sistah.


----------



## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I'm divorced. And I never want to marry again either!!!


----------



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Drachasor said:


> Why celebrate birthdays or any holiday? Why celebrate anniversaries? Why celebrate anything? There are, for lack of a better term, rituals we perform about meaningful things in our life. The purpose is to underline the meaning for ourselves and those we care about. For someone who isn't religious, like me or you, you can easily have a secular marriage. You invite those you really care about to celebrate the love and the bond you and your mate have. Is there anything saying you have to do this? No, but it can be fun and meaningful to do it (which is why you would do it).
> 
> True, and it doesn't necessarily tell people to back of. I think a ring on your finger can be nice for the one wearing though, as a personally meaningful memento of the love you and your partner have for each other. Necessary? No more than a marriage is. It can be nice though.
> 
> ...


I think you're missing the point. She just doesn't want to. That should be enough. The problem is when people feel the need to "talk others around" about their own major life decisions. I don't mean you specifically, just people in general. Just because something's unconventional doesn't mean it's wrong. And if the OP feels the ritual would be more for others than for herself I think that pretty much says it all.


----------



## Drachasor (Aug 23, 2009)

pyramidsong said:


> I think you're missing the point. She just doesn't want to. That should be enough. The problem is when people feel the need to "talk others around" about their own major life decisions. I don't mean you specifically, just people in general. Just because something's unconventional doesn't mean it's wrong. And if the OP feels the ritual would be more for others than for herself I think that pretty much says it all.


I never said it was wrong. I never said it wasn't her choice. I certainly never said her decision was wrong. I did not miss the point. She indicated she didn't understand a lot of why people think marriage matters, particular how an atheist or the like would think it matters. So I explained, to the best of my ability, my position on it. I didn't do it to change her mind, but merely to give her another way of looking at it.


----------



## pyramidsong (Apr 17, 2005)

Fair enough.


----------



## EagerMinnow84 (Sep 1, 2007)

I, personally, wouldn't mind getting married one day. However I am anti wedding. Weddings are are waste of time and an enormous waste of money, especially since it seems like a lot of marriages end in divorce. 

City hall is the way to go.


----------



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Drachasor said:


> I never said it was wrong. I never said it wasn't her choice. I certainly never said her decision was wrong. I did not miss the point. She indicated she didn't understand a lot of why people think marriage matters, particular how an atheist or the like would think it matters. So I explained, to the best of my ability, my position on it. I didn't do it to change her mind, but merely to give her another way of looking at it.


I read your post as doing just that: presenting another viewpoint and thought it was very well-worded.


----------



## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

I don't like the idea of big weddings, I'll agree. Who wants to go through all that and spend untold amounts? Sheesh. Save that $ for the honeymoon.
But I'm not religious at all but plan very much on getting married one day, even though I don't want kids. I see marriage as a legal issue, not a religious one.

Maybe I skimmed through this thread too fast, but I'm not seeing much reference to legal rights. 
I know the laws vary by country (noted "defacto" issue in the OP's post).

But for the sake of general info (at least in the U.S) I'll just go ahead and list two legit reasons to get hitched (particularly if there are children but thats just my opinion) that have nothing to do with "family values" or any emotional crap:
1) Social Security Benefits. Yes, a dead/disabled person's progeny will get benefits, but the surviving spouse will not unless they are married. 
2) Inheritance. Inheritance rules are very straightforward for married people. No taxes, no problem, the estate passes seamlessly from one spouse to the survivor. Furthermore, a legal spouse cannot remove you from important assets such as 401k or house. 

So basically, protect your ability to support yourself and family by protecting yourself financially/legally.

And its not like not being married makes breaking up a piece of cake. A friend of my parents is a lawyer who specializes in that area, he says when kids and properties are involved its often just as messy.


----------



## EagerMinnow84 (Sep 1, 2007)

SilentLoner said:


> I don't like the idea of big weddings, I'll agree. Who wants to go through all that and spend untold amounts? Sheesh. Save that $ for the honeymoon.
> But I'm not religious at all and plan very much on getting married one day, even though I don't want kids. I see marriage as a legal issue.


Good points with the legal issues, I never even thought of that! I am not religious at all either so I don't see marriage as a religious event. Have a nice honeymoon and start your lives together pretty much debt free. I cannot imagine being 10s of thousands of dollars in debt... because of a wedding.


----------



## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

I still believe in marriage,I know allot of people don't,that's a shame.I guess,I'm a romantic,who still believes that love can see you through anything.


----------



## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Aurora said:


> 14. Why???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


One of the main reasons that people are fighting for gay marriage in the US is because you are not allowed to visit someone in the hospital in specific cases unless you are a legal relative. I don't know how the laws are about that down under though.


----------



## Hypnos (Aug 17, 2009)

I actually would like to be married one day, but i m not sure i could go through with a wedding day in front of so many people. I understand why there s absolutely no need to get married, i would still want to though, just out of choice. I d enjoy taking part in an old human tradition.

Plus, i actually would like to change my last name since i don t like mine. And i guess i just prefer the titles Husband and Wife to boyfriend and girlfriend. I know 'Partner' is another option, but in my mind, Wife and Husband sounds the best.

And a wedding ring might be nice, it shows ur taken so no one will try and come on to you.


----------



## Pocketfox (Jul 3, 2009)

Thomas Paine said:


> One of the main reasons that people are fighting for gay marriage in the US is because you are not allowed to visit someone in the hospital in specific cases unless you are a legal relative. I don't know how the laws are about that down under though.


A couple cohabiting with a child is classified as a de facto marriage and gets all the same rights and benefits, from what I know (including homosexual couples).

My grandmother didn't want to bother with marriage again after divorce and has been in a de facto relationship for nearly 20 years. As far as I know they've never had a problem getting it treated as a marriage.

On a related note: what do people think about the man taking his bride's name?


----------



## KyleThomas (Jul 1, 2009)

EagerMinnow84 said:


> I, personally, wouldn't mind getting married one day. However I am anti wedding. Weddings are are waste of time and an enormous waste of money, especially since it seems like a lot of marriages end in divorce.
> 
> City hall is the way to go.


I agree on the enormous waste of money thing. A wedding should be about the two people actually getting married and their commitment to one another, not a giant booze up for all and sundry. I think the true purpose of the event often gets totally forgotten in the desire to organise one huge party, which isn't what the day is about at all.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Some Russian Guy said:


> I want to marry a rich old woman, exclusively for money...
> and when the old hog dies, I will inherit all that cash and will be able to afford the hottest girls there is...


^^ I really hope this was a joke. Although it's a pretty sick joke if it was. 

I might get married someday, I don't know. The biggest things that stand in the way are: A.) I've never had a girlfriend, so I have to have had an actual date before I start thinking about marriage, and B.) The social anxiety of getting up in front of everyone and doing the vows.

I think, if I didn't have social anxiety and felt calm about it, I'd want to get married. I like the idea of declaring yourself to someone like that, forever and ever. I just don't like the idea of all those eyes on me while I do it. :no

Maybe a small wedding would work better for me.


----------



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Pocketfox said:


> A couple cohabiting with a child is classified as a de facto marriage and gets all the same rights and benefits, from what I know (including homosexual couples).
> ?


Not all states permit common law marriage. I am not sure where you are getting your information from?



> *States Permitting Common Law Marriage*
> 
> 
> Alabama
> ...




From http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/common_law.html

Common law marriage has never applied to gay relationships and I am not sure where you got the idea that it does? Please post your link about that.


----------



## Pocketfox (Jul 3, 2009)

Australian states, she's in Australia.

http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/defacto.htm
http://www.centrelink.gov.au/internet/internet.nsf/individuals/same_sex.htm


----------



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Oops, sorry didnt realize we were talking about Australia. NM.


----------



## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

My thoughts on marriage are that as a legality it's very touchy depending on the relationship of the couple. For example we all know that relationships have up & downs & when things are down in marriages many people opt for divorce & divorces often bring out the worst in people. As a common law couple should a rough time require separation I find that divorce not being an option is a great thing. You can take your time apart & if you are to reconcile there is non of the bitterness brought on by fighting for "what you deserve" in a divorce(that's not to say there's no bitterness, just that it's not exacerbated by divorce quarrels).

I also think as noted in previous posts that if you are together for an extended period you are in essence married without it legally being so of course. Many long term couples begin calling each other husband & wife before they've even really contemplated it because it's a fun thing for them, an easy way to say I care. 

As for a ceremony, I don't see how hard it is to host a smaller scale banquet in a local hotel to celebrate your love with friends & family if you wish to do so. It amazes me how little people realize you don't need tradition to do things that show you care. You don't need valentines day to buy your partner flowers or a bracelet you she will enjoy. Likewise you don't need an official religious/legal ceremony to gather people in light of a passionate love with someone. 

Also, on the note of white dresses, I have an uncle whose wife wore a blue dress at their wedding, it was by far the best wedding dress I've ever seen. I seen it while viewing their photo albums on a visit.

All this said, I'm willing to admit that it's a possibility I may in fact marry in the future but it would take some convincing to get me to that point I believe. My main point here is that many couples that shouldn't marry do. It seems to me marriage is best left later than sooner. When you've been through a few ups & downs & all the rest & still you remain together, then perhaps a big religious/legal shebang is in order


----------



## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

I'd like to be married, although I don't believe it's necessary, or perhaps even beneficial to a relationship. I view it simply as a testament to the love between two people, religious and legal connections aside.


----------



## Moody99 (Dec 20, 2008)

I will like to get married oneday half of me do and half of me don't, if i do me and my future husband will either get married have our little wedding alone dress for the occassion....i think i want a pink wedding gown,and him in a white tux...we would have our own private wedding on a island...or at a church maybe with a few family and friends...if so my mom grandma and a cousin and a aunt....my future same thing...i would rather us have our little private wedding alone together,with the wedding cake photo shoots...nice love songs...we will have our own little unique wedding...i always dreamed of having a wedding getting all dressed up...with the veil and gown...


----------



## Moody99 (Dec 20, 2008)

Just do you don't listen to what everyone else is saying if you don't want to get married don't,it's totally up to you and your man,no one else!


----------



## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

I'm in agreement with everything in that first post of yours, aside from wanting to be a mother.


----------



## lyssado707 (Oct 29, 2004)

Agreed


----------



## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

WineKitty said:


> Oops, sorry didnt realize we were talking about Australia. NM.


It's OK. Aussies like to be difficult and confusing on purpose.


----------



## Hypnos (Aug 17, 2009)

Pocketfox said:


> On a related note: what do people think about the man taking his bride's name?


That s what I plan to do, any name will probably sound nicer than mine.


----------



## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Hypnos said:


> That s what I plan to do, any name will probably sound nicer than mine.


Same here. I really dislike my last name and that side of the faimly.


----------



## Hypnos (Aug 17, 2009)

SilentLoner said:


> Same here. I really dislike my last name and that side of the faimly.


I feel apprehensive about it though because i m male and i m afraid people might think it s weird.

I kinda brought up the idea of it with my brother by saying that Jack White took his wife s name when they got married and he laughed like it was a ridiculous thing to do.


----------



## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Hypnos said:


> I feel apprehensive about it though because i m male and i m afraid people might think it s weird.
> 
> I kinda brought up the idea of it with my brother by saying that Jack White took his wife s name when they got married and he laughed like it was a ridiculous thing to do.


That might sometimes have more to do with pride when someone wants to keep their last name. He may not laugh at you. All through history it has been considered an honor to have a son who can carry on the family name. It's kind of like leaving a legacy. Pointless and egotistical, but we're men. (at least that's the excuse I use for my own ego)


----------



## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Hypnos said:


> I feel apprehensive about it though because i m male and i m afraid people might think it s weird.
> 
> I kinda brought up the idea of it with my brother by saying that Jack White took his wife s name when they got married and he laughed like it was a ridiculous thing to do.


Guys have done it before.

*More men taking wives' last names - USATODAY.com*
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-03-20-names-marriage_N.htm

*Man Fights to Take Wife's Name in Marriage - ACLU Joins Effort to Change California Law*
http://abcnews.go.com/US/LegalCenter/story?id=2778930&page=1


----------



## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

Wow...I never even knew any guys took the woman's last name. If I ever DID get married again(which I wont) I definitely dont think I'd change my last name. I'd force the guy to change his to mine, haha


----------



## CarlitoBrigante (Oct 29, 2006)

I've never even heard of that before. Can't see anything wrong with it if that's what someone wants to do though.


----------



## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

I think that guy Dick Trickle, I think he's in nascar or something, should have taken his wife's name.

Is it just me or do I get less and less mature as the night goes on?


----------



## Pocketfox (Jul 3, 2009)

It's what I'd like to do.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It's bad enough with that hyphenation thing, puhleez. I always thought hyphenation meant engagement. :roll.

I do think it is a big deal. I didn't get my name by someone taking his wife's surname - that's going to make a lot of sense if I do it to my kids. It's agenda-pushing.
Besides, it is an incentive to stay married. People may laugh at the name, but that's on them.


----------



## Pocketfox (Jul 3, 2009)

millenniumman75 said:


> It's agenda-pushing.


Which agenda is this?


----------



## mickdel (Sep 7, 2009)

*Married under the influence*

Hi all
Its my first post.

I got married 21 years ago, at 22 years of age, to a 6 year older lady. The relationship only happened because I got drunk and asked her to marry me, and I was too anxious and shy to try and get out of it since, although I dearly want to live alone now.

Don't do it!

mick


----------



## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

mickdel said:


> Hi all
> Its my first post.
> 
> I got married 21 years ago, at 22 years of age, to a 6 year older lady. The relationship only happened because I got drunk and asked her to marry me, and I was too anxious and shy to try and get out of it since, although I dearly want to live alone now.
> ...


So others shouldnt get married because of your experience. :con :roll Sorry, but that doesnt make any sense.

Not everyone is drunk when they marry and if you want out so badly, then do it. I wouldnt stay married if I was that unhappy. You do yourself a great disservice by staying, as well as your partner.


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Shauna The Dead said:


> Wow...I never even knew any guys took the woman's last name. If I ever DID get married again(which I wont) I definitely dont think I'd change my last name. I'd force the guy to change his to mine, haha


jack white from the white stripes did that. the girl thats on his band is his wife and he took her name.

if i were to marry i wouldnt want her to have my last name nor would i take hers


----------



## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

Thomas Paine said:


> I think that guy Dick Trickle, I think he's in nascar or something, should have taken his wife's name.
> 
> Is it just me or do I get less and less mature as the night goes on?


:lol Either that, or gone by Richard.

Heh, my state once had a Congressman with the very unfortunate name of "Dick Swett."

Yeh, I'm just as immature! :lol

ETA- Oh, and I'm very happy being unmarried.


----------

