# Don't want to get "better"?



## Molydeus (Nov 12, 2003)

I am not sure if this belongs here exactly or not. My question is, what can I do if I am afraid of getting "better"? I will try to explain a bit.

Long story short, I go to a clinic type place that has many nurses/therapists/psychiatrists/etc. I have been going for 4 or 5 years maybe, about 3 years ago they told me I was doing better and should get a job. I didn't want a job but I thought I'd do it anyways because I like to make people happy. The job was horrible for me, the worst thing that ever happened to me. I worked there for 10 months, it was the perfect job but I cannot handle being around people that much. 

Every time I tried to explain to the clinic how bad it was they would make me feel bad about myself and tell me to keep working (one person in particular did this). Eventually it came down to killing myself or quitting the job, so I quit. I was crying daily for hours, I hadn't slept 8 hours in a day for months, it was horrible. I had terrible nightmares about being around people every night and could only sleep a couple of hours tops. I would feel like I was going to pass out because I was so tired, but I still couldn't sleep because of nightmares. I was hardly even able to hold it together at work and had to go to the restroom to cut myself a few times to make it through the day. I have probably a hundred or so scars on my legs now, I changed from arms because people can see that too easily. I have to wear long sleeves always now because of that, anyways this is not the point.

When I quit the vocational person at the clinic made me feel horrible about myself. She said the responsible thing would have been to keep working. Also, she said I was trying to make her think more was wrong than really was. To me that means she was saying I am irresponsible and a faker. I guess it would have been more responsible to be dead, whatever this isn't the point either.

I have a therapist now that never talks about anything important, mostly he tells me about vacations he has been on and things he is doing to his house. He just talks about that because I'm not good at talking and I guess he got tired of sitting in silence every week.

Finally, on to the question. I am afraid to continue to see him because they might make me get a job again and I won't do it. I will not do that to myself again, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. However, I am still getting disability and I am afraid that if I don't see a therapist they will take it from me. They already tried to take it because I worked for too long, but I wrote Social Security a letter explaining how bad work was for me. They decided that even though I worked 10 months straight it was not "sustainable" and that I would continue to receive disability.

So what do I do? Continue to see this worthless therapist and risk having those people tell me I have to get a job again? Do I stop seeing everyone and risk losing Social Security when my review comes up? I hate that place but there is no where else in the area to go. I trust no one, especially therapists. The one I had before the one I have now lied to me and that pretty much ended any trust I had for those people. I can't go to a private practice because they don't take Medicare.


----------



## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

Well, do you expect the therapist to stare you in the face for forty-five minutes? And if he is, in fact worthless, get a new one (if it's possible). He's probably filling in the time, you'll have to speak evantually. I had a therapist that was a bad fit for me too, mainly because she was simply too passive, it took me a long time and a lot of convincing to switch. As far as the job is concerned, the vocational person had it wrong-- so many people can look fine on the outside, but be broken and miserable inside. Some people even hold jobs for several years feeling this way (I have met them). Proving there are still terrible misunderstandings about mental illnesses. Luckily you understoood yourself and your own suffering enough to make a rational choice. Listening to your body and mind when it's in pain is far more responsible than simply ignoring it and trudging on (you know that).


----------



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

It sounds like they aren't really getting through to you well, but I'm curious about your perspective too. Do you want to improve? If you don't sincerely want to change (for any number of reasons), you're more than likely not going to reduce your anxiety no matter who talks to you. I ask this since you said right off the bat how you might be afraid to get "better." 

What do you fear will happen if you reduce your anxiety? This is a puzzling question since it involves anxiety about reducing anxiety. You probably wouldn't have to ask this question if your anxiety was actually decreasing. But still, I'd like to hear your response. What will tangibly happen?

It sounds like getting the job was too big of a step for you. Could you explain to who you see what happened last time (including the cutting), and perhaps suggest something much smaller as a goal? Perhaps you could tell them in writing if it's too hard to speak it all out. Before it comes to them shoving you into an exercise, you could give them feedback and suggest smaller goals. Of course, you have to want to improve since it's YOU who would ultimately be carrying out these steps. No matter how low you have to go, it would probably do you good to have some exposure therapy. I can understand how awful it might have felt to take too big of a step, but you certainly don't want to stay where you are now or you probably wouldn't be making this post.

As an alternative (or addition), you might want to look into mindfulness. It seems your mind might be racing a million miles an hour when in social situations, which makes it easy to forget about the present moment (the one in which we're actually living). If we don't view our anxious thoughts as merely something we're experiencing, we might mistakenly conclude we ARE anxiety, which is ludicrous.


----------



## Molydeus (Nov 12, 2003)

The getting better thing is kind of two sided. I don't want to get better because if I do I'll have to work and I don't ever want to put myself through that again. However, I also understand that if I were truly better it wouldn't be so bad.

The problem I have is I never feel better, I only get used to the people that work with me. They take my getting used to them as me making progress, it's not progress just me being comfortable around that person. I think that sometimes I do make progress, but then I get pushed to far and I lose a lot of what I had gained. Like the job that I had pushed me back to where I started and things really changed for me. 

If I tell them it's too much they say they can't help me if I don't want to change and end my appointments. I had that happen on my first therapist, she stopped seeing me because I didn't want to do what she said. So I kept seeing the next one and she forced me into a job that was the worst experience of my life. Every time I tried to get help she said to keep going and that everyone has bad days. It wasn't a bad day, every day was awful. I don't think she has any idea what it's like to not be able to sleep for 10 months. To feel like ending it every day so you don't have to go back to work. 

I think what I really want is someone that I feel like I can tell anything to and it'll be ok. I had that person two therapists about but she left due to having a baby. She was great, I could tell her anything and not worry about it. I felt like her thoughts and advice were real, she really cared about me. I wasn't just a job to her. The therapist I got after her was very....professional I suppose. I trusted her with some things in the beginning and she burned me with it big time, then later on she lied to me and told me she didn't do what she told me she did months earlier. Long and complicated story.

I don't want to switch therapists about because I feel that I have caused too much trouble already.


----------



## shy_chick (Sep 27, 2006)

Molydeus said:


> I don't want to switch therapists about because I feel that I have caused too much trouble already.


To cut a long story short I'd say get a new therapist, and keep trying if the first one isn't right.

There are many many therapist out there that could help you, I really wouldn't worry about that. I've seen a lot of therapists, and there are certain things that have got to me. I had one that was quite professional, which meant not dwelling on all my masses of thoughts and wallowing. That was for CBT, and I'm not sure if she got a handle on me or not.

Some people have been a lot more intuitive and more like friends and I've got on better with them. With others, I say I can't talk to people, and they say you're talking to me and that really annoys me, as like you say you get more comfortable and they take that as it's like that with everyone, where it is quite artificial therapy. You start with caring people training with dealing with people, and a lot of people in real life aren't like that and wouldn't listen if there's not used to you talking.

My other ideas are that the wanting someone to encourage you icould be a mixture of wanting friends to do that and trying to build your self-esteem from other people saying nice things, rather than doing it yourself. It sounds like you are fustrated/angry with the therapists/your progress. It could be they are just setting the wrong targets. The lack of motivation could be just that the target feels/is too high for you. I felt that a lot in CBT, then realised what she was asking wasn't what I thought she was. I started feeling that things were just unobtainable and it felt hopeless. If you were cutting yourself then something went seriously wrong with their suggestion.

the other thing is I spent many years looking for the answer to why I felt like I did, and there probably isn't one. I probably just need to manage my symptoms or accept myself and not expect miracles, just small improvements. It could be that you need different treatment/medication as well as/instead of the other therapy.

Good luck.


----------

