# Men living alone and not dating much



## farfegnugen

*Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?

After some failed relationships and personal economic downsizing in this climate, I find myself single and living alone while surrounded by couples- many who have small children. In itself, it's a kick in groin to where I expected my life to be.

I am fairly quiet and have little in common with these people. I am curious as to how I am perceived by people like this. *How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?* That there is something wrong with us probably. Does this cross your mind? I think this applies differently to men than women, though maybe not. I think I am trying to find a new path in life, one with more tangible results than I have had up to this point, but I feel obligated to act differently and not cast an odd light. Anyone else going through anything like this?

I bolded the main points in case it's tl;dr.


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## TrcyMcgrdy1

Yeah, if I, personally, amd thirty and single, I would be sad and disappointe din myself. However, when i see 30 year olds that are single now, I always think that they are big pimpin womanizers that have no desire to get coupled up and be tied down by a relationship and kids. Not that I think that is either good or bad, but I put the most positive badass assumption when i see people "different" fromt he "norm" because honestly, people doing things by the rule book tend to be boring and less unique than people who do things their way or the high way!


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## Beetheb

Im 30 and and am not in a relationship. I think the better question, the one that gets to the core of the problem, is not what other people think of us and our situation in life, but why we care so damn much. Who knows what they're thinking? Maybe they think we're weird, or shy, or waiting for the right one, or maybe they don't think anything at all other than you're a nice guy, or maybe (and much more likely unless they're close) they don't think about you at all. You could spend your entire life worrying about it and never get an honest or satisfying answer.


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## jsgt

> *Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?


Nope. The only opinion that means anything to me is my own...and I think I'm doing just fine for myself.

*



How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?

Click to expand...

*Most people are very traditional, so anything other than the "norm" is considered strange. They judge others by their social status, appearance, demeanor, ect..., so those whose lives haven't progressed to the societal standard are looked down upon.


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## ravens

I'm almost 42 and i've never dated. I live with my parents because I'm taking care of them. The only people that ever cared that I wasn't dating was my parents mainly because they have always wanted grandchildren. Since my brother got married and has a child they no longer ask me anymore.


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## JamesM2

I'm 32, and live alone/am single by choice. As for worrying about what others might think, I honestly couldn't care less


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## farfegnugen

Of course, you're right that ultimately only your own opinion matters. Still false assumptions can label you and can be difficult to turn around. It would be good if the world didn't seem so judgmental.


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## Chrisy

Well I’m female past 35, single and not making any effort with dating either. 
I think everyone over mid 20’s has their baggage, male or female, whatever their relationship (or non-relationship) history. I also think people blossom at different times of their lives so I wouldn’t assume a man living alone/ not dating had something ‘wrong’ with him and actually Im sure most of my friends (the few I have!) dont think that either. As for what people think of me... couples I know are so run off their feet with kids and work, I think they just see their lives on different paths to mine, with different priorities and a lot more stress. I don’t think they think of me weirdly though.


I don’t know how much of this is to do with living near a big city, as I live near London UK. BUT when I go to see my parents, more rural UK, it does feel like their friends and other relatives treat me like I am some old spinster.


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## howard26

The worst for me are extroverted girls or women who hardly know me, and in a high pitched voice say "why aren't you married?" I feel it's pointless to talk to these people, so i try to avoid them One of my comebacks is "I didn't know it was a requirement." I saw a neighbor the other day and he just couldn't get it. I told him that i wanted to live alone right now. He chuckled and said "well, i didn't get married until i was 27." I repeated something again to the effect of needing to live alone, taking it easy, etc. He said "There's someone for everyone, don't give up." This went back and forth a few times. The guy could not comprehend that i actually wanted to live alone. It was like talking to a wall.


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## dismiss

I feel judged by my peers sometimes. I passed up the so called opportunity to be a wife bearing children to my ex...
Hey, I could've been stuck in small town Appalachia for the rest of my life... With a man that didn't even want me to see my own family.
Yeah, so while I see it as having dodged a bullet, not everyone else would see it that way.

While I would be willing to cohabitate with a man, I must admit... I *love* living alone! :boogie


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## theseventhkey

farfegnugen said:


> *Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?
> 
> After some failed relationships and personal economic downsizing in this climate, I find myself single and living alone while surrounded by couples- many who have small children. In itself, it's a kick in groin to where I expected my life to be.
> 
> I am fairly quiet and have little in common with these people. I am curious as to how I am perceived by people like this. *How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?* That there is something wrong with us probably. Does this cross your mind? I think this applies differently to men than women, though maybe not. I think I am trying to find a new path in life, one with more tangible results than I have had up to this point, but I feel obligated to act differently and not cast an odd light. Anyone else going through anything like this?
> 
> I bolded the main points in case it's tl;dr.


Normally you get the "gay" assumptions or crazy killer assumptions, or something is wrong you assumptions, I think people who are alone are seen as odd ducks or outcasts. I actually like the "outsider" theme. It's all good somebody has got to do it.


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## jsgt

farfegnugen said:


> Still false assumptions can label you and can be difficult to turn around.


...but why would you value the opinion of someone so shallow? Not doing so is a good way to weed out the ignorant, to make room for the more open-minded.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

I live with my mom, my sister, and her kids, but I understand what you're saying. I worry about how people perceive me, definitely.


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## coldsorehighlighter

I'm 28 but I think I still qualify to respond to this. I'm sure people who know me, and my lifestyle(single, alone), think there is something wrong with me. That's because there is...


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## komorikun

I really want to get my own place. It will be a sort of cross between a bachelorette pad and a cat lady house. :boogie And I will become a cross between a cougar and a cat lady. 

Right now I just feel really pathetic living with roommates. I don't have a nice place (with a bar, huge bed, special lighting) to bring young men to and I don't even have any cats. 

In the big city no one cares. There are tons of single, childless people in their 30s and 40s here. (I'm turning 36 very soon.)


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## Lonelyguy

I'm 37 and live alone. As for what others think of me never dating or being in a relationship...I don't really give a flying ****. I mostly keep to myself and rarely go anywhere besides work anyway, so other than a handful of people who know me I don't even exist to most of the world.


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## intheshadows

When I live alone, maybe i'll finally have confidence with women.


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## Biggles

farfegnugen said:


> Of course, you're right that ultimately only your own opinion matters. Still false assumptions can label you and can be difficult to turn around. It would be good if the world didn't seem so judgmental.


 I lived alone until I was 38. I always worried that people would assume I was "gay" or "weird" or whatever. I used to get teased by "friends" from time to time - hugely painful and embarrassing. But you know people never made a tiny fraction of it that I made of it myself. It was a fleeting thought and joke to them. It was a permanent hurt and embarrasssment to me.

The world is what it is. The only way to make it *seem* less judgmental, is to stop judging ourselves, and caring less what others might or might not think. Easier said than done, i know.


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## typemismatch

I do think that my neighbours probably think I am weird, and that some people probably think that I'm gay. People often think I'm gay which doesn't bother me, but my neighbours thinking I'm weird (or a loser or whatever) does. I know that it shouldn't, but that is what SA is all about - worrying what people think about you. Also, my colleagues at work - what do they think when I never mention a girlfriend or going on holiday anywhere.


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## caveman8

howard26 said:


> The worst for me are extroverted girls or women who hardly know me, and in a high pitched voice say "why aren't you married?" I feel it's pointless to talk to these people, so i try to avoid them One of my comebacks is "I didn't know it was a requirement." I saw a neighbor the other day and he just couldn't get it. I told him that i wanted to live alone right now. He chuckled and said "well, i didn't get married until i was 27." I repeated something again to the effect of needing to live alone, taking it easy, etc. He said "There's someone for everyone, don't give up." This went back and forth a few times. The guy could not comprehend that i actually wanted to live alone. It was like talking to a wall.


If they ask why you aren't married, just say you prefer to hook up with as many hot chicks as possible rather than be tied down.

[email protected] neighbour "till I was 27". The 1920s were over, like, a hundred years ago.


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## Scrumpilump2000

I used to get my hair cut by this bachelor barber guy and he was talking about bachelor-hood and he said that if you don't have a wife or girlfriend you kind of grow "odd" with time. And the longer you go without close proximity to a woman, the odder you become. 

I tend to agree with this, albeit with some reservations. I think the interplay between the sexes has a specific effect on each sex. There are energies there, feeding off one another and creating a kind of specific psychological tapestry. Single people have a different kind of energy about them, which is no doubt perceptable to people, at least at a pre-conscious level. 

It's not a bad energy, just a different energy. And since most people have a significant other (as is the "norm"), single people ARE a smaller segment of the population and hence "odd".
In a similar vein, perhaps, I have had the experience of having a girlfriend (a very nice thing, really, with certain definite benefits!). When a guy is with a girl, his energy changes. In my case (and I have verified this with other guys my age as well) I seemed to become more attractive to women when I was with a woman. It's a strange thing. I could have been a confidence thing (i.e. having a girlfriend boosted my self-confidence level, thus improving my charisma). Also, it could have been on a subtler energy level. As if the other women, not all, just some, sense that this guy is worth pursuing because he has been chosen by some other woman! 
Suffice it to say that I am definitely in need of a good woman!


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## living

farfegnugen said:


> *Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?
> 
> After some failed relationships and personal economic downsizing in this climate, I find myself single and living alone while surrounded by couples- many who have small children. In itself, it's a kick in groin to where I expected my life to be.
> 
> I am fairly quiet and have little in common with these people. I am curious as to how I am perceived by people like this. *How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?* That there is something wrong with us probably. Does this cross your mind? I think this applies differently to men than women, though maybe not. I think I am trying to find a new path in life, one with more tangible results than I have had up to this point, but I feel obligated to act differently and not cast an odd light. Anyone else going through anything like this?
> 
> I bolded the main points in case it's tl;dr.


I'm a single man in my 30's and I've had this issue of caring way too much about what other people thought of me. This of course was something that tormented me a lot: the fear of people thinking badly of me because of my single status in my 30's.

This is what I discovered for myself: GIVE NO THOUGHT TO THIS ISSUE. Do not give it the time of day. It's important to be very aware of your thought processes and should such thoughts arise, put it out immediately. Otherwise, that small thought will grow and grow and cloud your entire world with fear.

Here's an important insight: You could think fearfully about what other people think about you or you can be clear and not think about it at all. EITHER WAY, YOUR SINGLE STATUS WILL BE THE SAME. Fearful thinking about the matter doesn't change things; in fact, the fearful thinking is totally pointless. You're actually more likely to hook up with someone being clear rather than fearful, self-conscious, and desperate.


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## PainisLove

tell people you wanna stay single and date, you dont wanna be tied down by kids or a wife until you checked off everything there is to do off of your enormous bucket list. Tell people you've had relationships before and you dont wanna conform at this point in your life lol 

Tell people you dont have kids, because you always use child support repellent "protection" 

-pain


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## howard26

ha ha, not sure if i want to conform ever


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## Rocketman1973

I'm at a point where I don't give a sh*t as to what people think. I've always had relationships since I was 19 and even was married for a year and a half around my 30's. As soon as I hit 36, dating has decreased dramatically. Now at 39, I'm finally completely alone in my life and don't even care if I date ever again. It's not worth the drama and heartbreak. 

Kind of funny, because since I moved into this apartment over a year ago, none of my neighbours have ever seen me bring a woman over. Or a male friend for that matter, since I don't have any. I wonder to myself... do they think I'm gay or just a loner?? I'm definitely not gay, but perhaps a loner. I seriously think I'm the only single guy in this apartment building though, since everyone here seems to be married and they all have kids.


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## Howlett

I'm 22 and people look down on me because of it. I try and try and just can't seem to get a girl for whatever bull**** reasons. My younger brother got a girlfiend before me. How the **** does that happen?


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## AngelClare

howard26 said:


> The worst for me are extroverted girls or women who hardly know me, and in a high pitched voice say "why aren't you married?" I feel it's pointless to talk to these people, so i try to avoid them One of my comebacks is "I didn't know it was a requirement." I saw a neighbor the other day and he just couldn't get it. I told him that i wanted to live alone right now. He chuckled and said "well, i didn't get married until i was 27." I repeated something again to the effect of needing to live alone, taking it easy, etc. He said "There's someone for everyone, don't give up." This went back and forth a few times. The guy could not comprehend that i actually wanted to live alone. It was like talking to a wall.


If they ask, "Why aren't you married?" That's a good sign. It means you look like marriage material. If you looked like some kind of "reject" they wouldn't ask, they would know.

Also, like your neighbor, I don't buy, "I want to live alone." If you were a playboy with a different woman every night it would make sense. Otherwise, who wants to watch tv and laugh all by themselves? There is nothing worse than laughing out loud and then realizing that you're in a house alone laughing all by yourself. Who wants to jerk off to porn every day? It's something you were doing since you were a teenager so when you're in your 30's you just can't live like that anymore.

I used to say, "I like being alone." I even convinced myself that it was true. The truth is nobody likes to be alone.

"It is not good for the man to be alone" -- Genesis some verse

(I'm not trying to offend you. It's just my opinion)


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## pantazi

What is the point of worrying about something you'll never know?

We dont know what the vasy majority of people think of us.

Even though on here most people seem to think they do, that's part of your mental health problem

I'm single over 30 and I chose this.

Different people will thinmk different things.

But most peopel dont think anything at all, it is the ego problem people with mental health probs have that makes them think people do.


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## Icantbethatbad

Its the same for everybody including women , you cant tell who is confident and who is shy, you just have to wait until you personally feel up to it and happy enough to commit. which in my case seems to be one step forward and two ****ing steps back.:no


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## redowen

I do worry about this. I'm 34 and live alone. Having said that, there are a lot of freedoms I would have to give up to be in a relationship. I'd rather be in a happy relationship, but until that happens I am determined to enjoy the freedom that comes with being on my own.


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## Haunty

jsgt said:


> Nope. The only opinion that means anything to me is my own...and I think I'm doing just fine for myself.
> 
> Most people are very traditional, so anything other than the "norm" is considered strange. They judge others by their social status, appearance, demeanor, ect..., so those whose lives haven't progressed to the societal standard are looked down upon.


:clap

I live in my own house with my cat. I really don't mind it at all. I am still looking for a lady but if I don't find one then oh well :stu


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## ravens

I don't live alone, I live with my parents. I don't think I'll ever have a gitlfriend. I just don't see how it could ever happen.


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## Rocketman1973

It's funny... I lived with my mother at her house until 2008 when she passed away. I was 35 at the time. I had no problems dating or having relationships. Sure, there was the odd woman that found it strange I was living with my mother, but most understood. She was a senior and needed help. I had my own space in the basement. But, my mother had very strict rules about women spending the night. She was old fashioned and didn't allow it. So if I was in a relationship, I would occasionally spend the night at her place. It always worked out nicely.

Now, that I live alone and have been since late 2008, I have not had a relationship, nor dated anyone for an extended period of time. I'm finally free to have women over, so I can cook, entertain and even have them sleep over, yet no one wants a relationship with me!


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## Talgonite

Screw that. I actually hate people who are married with kids, because that's all they talk about, being married and having kids...I'm sorry but maybe life is actually more simple and streamlined than I personally take it, but to me, hearing about your kids and your husband/wife all the time is so frikkin grating on my nerves. Not because I'm jealous, but because that's ALL THEY TALK ABOUT!!!! 

You know, that's like if I talked about my random obsessions that I phase through 24/7. But you know what?! I don't! Because I know no one give's a crap! Seriously. It boggles my mind how these people don't even question if they're annoying others with all the boring bile spewing out of their mouths about their children?? The kicker is that these are people who are not your friends, they're you're coworkers, bosses, the barista at the coffee shop. I DO NOT care about YOUR children!!! Aaaagggh!!

Sorry for going into rant mode but I've been hearing way too much lately about married peoples kids. I'm starting to wonder if they actually hate their lives and this is how they cope.


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## ryobi

Beetheb said:


> Im 30 and and am not in a relationship. I think the better question, the one that gets to the core of the problem, is not what other people think of us and our situation in life, but why we care so damn much. Who knows what they're thinking? Maybe they think we're weird, or shy, or waiting for the right one, or maybe they don't think anything at all other than you're a nice guy, or maybe (and much more likely unless they're close) they don't think about you at all. You could spend your entire life worrying about it and never get an honest or satisfying answer.


good point


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## ryobi

Biggles said:


> I lived alone until I was 38. I always worried that people would assume I was "gay" or "weird" or whatever. I used to get teased by "friends" from time to time - hugely painful and embarrassing. But you know people never made a tiny fraction of it that I made of it myself. It was a fleeting thought and joke to them. It was a permanent hurt and embarrasssment to me.
> 
> The world is what it is. The only way to make it *seem* less judgmental, is to stop judging ourselves, and caring less what others might or might not think. Easier said than done, i know.


good point


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## ryobi

Talgonite said:


> Screw that. I actually hate people who are married with kids, because that's all they talk about, being married and having kids...I'm sorry but maybe life is actually more simple and streamlined than I personally take it, but to me, hearing about your kids and your husband/wife all the time is so frikkin grating on my nerves. Not because I'm jealous, but because that's ALL THEY TALK ABOUT!!!!
> 
> You know, that's like if I talked about my random obsessions that I phase through 24/7. But you know what?! I don't! Because I know no one give's a crap! Seriously. It boggles my mind how these people don't even question if they're annoying others with all the boring bile spewing out of their mouths about their children?? The kicker is that these are people who are not your friends, they're you're coworkers, bosses, the barista at the coffee shop. I DO NOT care about YOUR children!!! Aaaagggh!!
> 
> Sorry for going into rant mode but I've been hearing way too much lately about married peoples kids. I'm starting to wonder if they actually hate their lives and this is how they cope.


Children are bad for the environment and I would rather not be in a relationship than be in a bad one


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## Biggles

Talgonite said:


> I'm starting to wonder if they actually hate their lives and this is how they cope.


I think you may be on to something. I think a lot of people use their busy lives juggling kids, job, workout, social functions, gossip, TV drama, affairs etc. to block out the hurt inside themselves. We SA sufferers tend to see such people as having "got it all together" because we struggle with only a fraction of what they seem to accomplish. And we assume they must be happy, or at least happier than us. Are they??


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## Talgonite

Biggles said:


> I think you may be on to something. I think a lot of people use their busy lives juggling kids, job, workout, social functions, gossip, TV drama, affairs etc. to block out the hurt inside themselves. We SA sufferers tend to see such people as having "got it all together" because we struggle with only a fraction of what they seem to accomplish. And we assume they must be happy, or at least happier than us. Are they??


It's probably situational, but these people in particular that I'm discussing are constantly talking about their kids and how they're going to go to their football game and then drive them here and then drive them there etc. etc. I don't have kids so I don't know all the joys that come with having one, but to me that sounds like a pain in the arse and not fun at all. Like I said though, it's all they talk about...I like discussing things I can relate to or find interesting, and children are just not that to me.

Same goes for all the moms on facebook posting 24/7 about how their kid just took it's first dump...ess tea eff you already. DX


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## keep2myself

Single men are viewed by society as deviant, emotionally unstable, unreliable, less favorable, less sociable, incompetent, untrustworthy, less faithful and loyal, and more tense.

Stereotypes lead to stigma, because we don't fit into the cultural norm.

So, it's all BS. Read this.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200909/know-your-single-people?page=2

OH, and did you all know national singles week kicks off in about 25 minutes.


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## Nick9075

Look for some reason people my age in their 20s and 30s wear me down with their fake always maniacally happy personalities and extreme emphasis on labels, shopping and putting down others they perceive as less than


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## dismiss

Talgonite said:


> Screw that. I actually hate people who are married with kids, because that's all they talk about, being married and having kids...I'm sorry but maybe life is actually more simple and streamlined than I personally take it, but to me, hearing about your kids and your husband/wife all the time is so frikkin grating on my nerves. Not because I'm jealous, but because that's ALL THEY TALK ABOUT!!!!
> 
> You know, that's like if I talked about my random obsessions that I phase through 24/7. But you know what?! I don't! Because I know no one give's a crap! Seriously. It boggles my mind how these people don't even question if they're annoying others with all the boring bile spewing out of their mouths about their children?? The kicker is that these are people who are not your friends, they're you're coworkers, bosses, the barista at the coffee shop. I DO NOT care about YOUR children!!! Aaaagggh!!
> 
> Sorry for going into rant mode but I've been hearing way too much lately about married peoples kids. I'm starting to wonder if they actually hate their lives and this is how they cope.


:teeth Hahaha!

See there's this hormone called oxytocin... :roll

I hate how it affects me at work.

All people with kids have this instant excuse for taking off early, or calling off for the day. It leaves others in a bind. 
I also feel expected to work harder because of their situation, how they never get any sleep, & are run down...
Sorry, but that's not my fault. It shouldn't be made my responsibility... Not without at least an apology, or a thank you, better pay. They don't give me extra help to compensate for my arthritis flareups...

Overall, I don't begrudge them their happiness. Your post made me laugh. Glad we can all use the forum to rant at times.


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## harrison

Living alone is not really something I've had a lot of experience with - I've always had a girlfriend or wife there with me. I'm at the point now though where I live _with my ex!!_

This only really becomes a problem when I stop taking whatever SSRI I am on - _like now_ - and the frozen zone starts to thaw out. 

Definitely need to get my own place very soon.


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## wvmtnmama

I'm in my 50's now. In my twenties I lived alone. I hooked up at close to thirty for a few years and then got married and was widowed at 39. I've lived alone since. Back in the day, men who lived alone (for whatever reasons) were called Bachelors. They were well-respected members of society who either didn't find the woman of their dreams yet, travelled for work, worked to much, or enjoyed the dating scene and some were gay. I have to respect your choice to live alone if you haven't found someone you want to share your life with yet. It's hard anymore to meet someone compatible. Back in the 50's and sixties women were expected to get married and many of those marriages didn't last. If you are on your own, you are obviously making it and you can be very proud of yourself. I frankly don't think much about it when I meet guys who live alone, I mean I don't try to judge them - they do it for all different reasons. I just assume they do it on purpose and they have their well-thought out reasons for doing so. My home is my solace and I find my solitude here, when I feel lonely I call a friend and go out. But I will not disrupt my safe home with just anyone, they'd have to be very special and I'm not really pushing the issue trying to find someone. And, I'm not sure what others think about me living alone, but if they were to ask me, I'd tell them.


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## Luctor

I live on my own with two cats. I don't give a ****.


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## Brian Peppers

I'm 34, heterosexual, single and live in a flat in a fairly "rough area" with lots of unemployment.

I've had my fair share of nosey bully neighbours who thought I was a closet "gay" for not having a girfriend. I got one guy put on probabtion for harrasing me when he was drunk one night and started shouting obscenities through my letterbox at 3am (a male neighbour who lived next door with his girlfriend..who happened to kick him a few hours before he turned on me). 

There is a kind of stigma facing single guys I feel, but I've never been housed in a nice area so I can't comment on other areas such as middle class.


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## Biggles

Brian Peppers said:


> There is a kind of stigma facing single guys I feel, but I've never been housed in a nice area so I can't comment on other areas such as middle class.


Britain is like that in my experience - lots of gossip, innuendo, judgements and talking behind people's backs - about all sorts of stuff (one of the reasons I left). Gossip and Corrie Street seem to be what British people live for.:roll Canada is much more tolerant in all areas including things like single guys living alone. So I do think the country and culture you live in has a big effect.


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## Talgonite

dismiss said:


> :teeth Hahaha!
> 
> See there's this hormone called oxytocin... :roll




I just googled that and maybe this is the reason I'm a single, cynical, bastahd.


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## IcedOver

I don't care one bit what other people think or say regarding me being alone. This includes family. If they want to believe I'm a weirdo shy loser jerkoff (which I am), or even if they think I'm gay, I don't really give a crap. If I ever date, it won't be to foster a perception of myself, but because I want to do it.


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## Biggles

^ Good for you. That's a very healthy outlook.


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## wvmtnmama

AngelClare said:


> If they ask, "Why aren't you married?" That's a good sign. It means you look like marriage material. If you looked like some kind of "reject" they wouldn't ask, they would know.
> 
> Also, like your neighbor, I don't buy, "I want to live alone." If you were a playboy with a different woman every night it would make sense. Otherwise, who wants to watch tv and laugh all by themselves? There is nothing worse than laughing out loud and then realizing that you're in a house alone laughing all by yourself. Who wants to jerk off to porn every day? It's something you were doing since you were a teenager so when you're in your 30's you just can't live like that anymore.
> 
> I used to say, "I like being alone." I even convinced myself that it was true. The truth is nobody likes to be alone.
> 
> "It is not good for the man to be alone" -- Genesis some verse
> 
> (I'm not trying to offend you. It's just my opinion)


I beg to differ with you, I do like living alone. I had a fabulous marriage, but after just 3.5 yrs, he died. I didn't want to even think about anyone else for the first 15 years, then I dated, and even dated one guy for about 4 yrs. We did not live together and eventually found we were not good together. I have no desire to date anymore. I enjoy my solitude and when I feel like getting together with a friend I do. I do not need a man for any reason, my desire for love was satisfied with my husband, I already own my own home and have a good job. Everyone is different, but I know several people who feel the same as me - young and old. And, I also know several people who do desire to hook up. Different strokes for different folks.


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## wvmtnmama

pantazi said:


> What is the point of worrying about something you'll never know?
> 
> We dont know what the vasy majority of people think of us.
> 
> Even though on here most people seem to think they do, that's part of your mental health problem
> 
> I'm single over 30 and I chose this.
> 
> Different people will think different things.
> 
> But most people dont think anything at all, it is the ego problem people with mental health probs have that makes them think people do.


I agree, I've had single neighbors and just figured they go out and don't bring anyone home, or maybe I'm not home when they do, or maybe they are recently divorced, widowed and don't care to date right now, maybe they go to their girlfriends home all the time, in my 59 years, it has never occurred to me that a single neighbor was mentally deficient in anyway. Alternatively, no one really knows if I am dating, or where I go when I go out. I do not discuss with co-workers what I do after work or with whom I do it - or don't do it. I suppose if they are curious enough they can use their imagination or ask me. But my answers will be vague or joking. When asked how my weekend was, I say great, or productive or fun or lazy - I usually find an adjective.


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## The Duke

Beetheb said:


> Maybe they think we're weird, or shy, or waiting for the right one, or maybe they don't think anything at all other than you're a nice guy, or maybe (and much more likely unless they're close) they don't think about you at all. You could spend your entire life worrying about it and never get an honest or satisfying answer.


thats exactly what ive been thinking about lately. stop worrying so much. we all hate social anxiety enough to talk about it on the internet, but how many of us have actually hated it enough to do something about it? how many people have we told in our lives what it is that we struggle with everyday? lately ive come to the realization that ive been lonely most of my life, and i still feel uncomfortable alone and want someone to talk to desperately, but i dont and im still lonely. ive noticed that when i feel more comfortable with myself i can talk to people better. at school i get anxiety when i know the answer and so i look away when the teacher looks at me, but one of them calls on me almost daily. i hate it being put on the spot but it releases all the pressure because i finally say it. now i actually raise my hand and even try to talk to girls sometimes. when im wrong noone laughs, the class goes on and its over. when i talk to a girl but she isnt into me, at least i put myself out there, because i never talked to girls before. id rather say i tried and failed than never tried at all, id rather say the answer than say i knew it later, and id rather struggle with sa than just give in and allow it to consume me.


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## Biggles

^ Very well said. Not giving in to SA is key. Learning to own it, to admit we have it is very empowering. And doing stuff anyway.


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## hypestyle

in my case it doesn't register at all.. folks don't tend to know me "that well".. i'm okay with leaving it at that..


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## Mysteriousvirgo

I just can't understand the guys who say they're single by choice. I'm perpetually dateless and single because I have no confidence and I'm shy. I am 34 and have the dating/relationship experience of someone half my age. People will think what they will about me, but if asked, I won't lie about it because, in a way, I just don't care what they think.


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## ravens

I wish I was living by myself and not living with my parents. I would get a job and maybe have some friends and maybe even get a girlfriend. That's just an impossible dream.


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## Biggles

ravens said:


> I wish I was living by myself and not living with my parents. I would get a job and maybe have some friends and maybe even get a girlfriend. That's just an impossible dream.


What would you have to do to make the impossible dream possible?


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## ravens

Biggles said:


> What would you have to do to make the impossible dream possible?


I don't know. I've always lived with my parents. I did work with my father for over 20 years. He had a stroke earlier this year and my mother has COPD. I'm now helping to take care of them. I've got a lot of debt which I don't see how I'm going to ever pay off.

My father and I were in construction and I don't want to do that kind of work anymore. I never made that much money doing that kind of work.


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## komorikun

ravens said:


> I don't know. I've always lived with my parents. I did work with my father for over 20 years. He had a stroke earlier this year and my mother has COPD. I'm now helping to take care of them. I've got a lot of debt which I don't see how I'm going to ever pay off.
> 
> My father and I were in construction and I don't want to do that kind of work anymore. I never made that much money doing that kind of work.


Do your parents smoke?


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## ravens

komorikun said:


> Do your parents smoke?


They used to smoke. My mother quit over 10 years ago and my father quit after he had the stroke.


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## komorikun

ravens said:


> They used to smoke. My mother quit over 10 years ago and my father quit after he had the stroke.


Just wondering cause it says that 80-90% of cases of COPD are due to smoking.
Smoking also doubles your risk of getting a stroke.


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## ravens

komorikun said:


> Just wondering cause it says that 80-90% of cases of COPD are due to smoking.
> Smoking also doubles your risk of getting a stroke.


My mother was diagnosed with some kind of fibrosis about 30 years. They said that smoking didn't cause that. She quit smoking when she was diagnosed with emphysema. Smoking did cause the emphysema.


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## Chris 316

*Im 28, live with my mother, am on SSI for severe social anxiety (I do pay rent 1 point for me) and have not had a girlfriend nor sexual relations in about 5 going on 6 years. Im not feeling like such a bachelor these days, but im sure other people have worse problems so im not gonna complain, but it still sucks. lol.*

*Anyway i feel ya bro about being lonely. And @Raven that's really cool of you to take care of your parents, don't think so badly of yourself, you seem like a good person just with that alone bro. Take it easy man.*


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## Greentops

Biggles said:


> Britain is like that in my experience - lots of gossip, innuendo, judgements and talking behind people's backs - about all sorts of stuff (one of the reasons I left). Gossip and Corrie Street seem to be what British people live for.:roll Canada is much more tolerant in all areas including things like single guys living alone. So I do think the country and culture you live in has a big effect.


Agreed. Life in the UK seems to become more hostile, compared to when I grew up.

One of my neighbours told the whole street that I was a sex offender. The reason? None other that being me being a 'weirdo'. Wish I had enough evidence, otherwise I'd taken her sorry *** to court for slander, etc.

Anyway, she moved away soon after she left my reputation in tatters, but the damage has been done. The rest of the neighbours give me a sideways glance, and seem uncomfortable. Can't wait to move...


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## twitchy666

*how much do you speak to neighbours*

and their children?

very rare to meet. In apartments, we never enter others' place. Standard? I did years ago. I bump into us only n the car park. Noisy pre-schoolers.

I can shake hands with little ones & really proud I can, but maybe once a year.


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## foe

Awhile back, I overheard a young male co-worker talking about his roommate(another co-worker of ours but in a different department) being somewhat different. He was asked by somebody about their friendship as a roommate ad said the roommate and him talk but they're not that close as friends and he even questioned if the roommate had any friends because he was always home.

I was a bit disappointed in that because now I know that eve if I moved out and lived with a roommate or roommates, my social life will be in question and suspicious to others. And living alone? LOL, that might last maybe a year before I become homeless.

You can't win. Live at home, you're a loser. To live alone, you need a job that at least gets you $25+/hr. Live with roommates? they'll criticize you for being a loner ad having no friends.


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## Imbored21

I'm 21 and still living with my parents. Everyone my age has their own place living with their girlfriends/wives. It's humiliating. I can't take it. When they here I'm single they laugh and throw wet paper towels at me. I am looked down upon because I am a loser. I cry every night because I am so behind my peers.


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## The Sleeping Dragon

farfegnugen said:


> *Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?
> 
> *How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?*


I'm in the same boat as you. I too worry a lot about how other people view or judge my life because I tend to think my life is unusual. Mainly because I've never been in a relationship. I tried twice. Failed miserable. And I think I should have had that experience when I was a teen... Way too late to learn the game now. Not really seeing a happy end in that regard.

I think most people worry about how they are being perceived. You would be surprised how much thought goes to what they think of _other _people. It's a myth that people are judging us and looking at us at every move. The cold truth is most of us don't even turn up on the radar because we're quiet, aloof, reserved. It's most ironic that we worry a lot about how we are being perceived, because nobody is really paying that much attention in the first place.

What I think is the truth is that lots of people are in our situation and it's actually not that uncommon. I have two friends who are in the same boat as me. And while one pretends it's a choice, I know it's not really, and that there might be underlying problems just like I have. We just simple never talk about such things though.

Most of the people around me are settling down. Living together or getting married with their girlfriends. Carriers going off. Houses being bought. Children slowly getting in the picture. To be honest I'm expecting that most people will have less and less time for me. And that people will get fed up with me.

In general I think we're seen as men who are bachelors. To random strangers nothing weird about that. But my friends know I've never dated, at least they know I never talked about it, so there is that. I think that hurts my reputation a lot. Friends of those girlfriends would sooner or later all find out I've never dated or at least never had a girlfriend. Red flag right? So I'd have to date a completely stranger with no ties with friends or family or I'm seem as a freak. The problem with that is I'm just not outgoing enough to meet strangers like that. I haven't made new friends since I was 18.


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## Greentops

The Sleeping Dragon said:


> I'm in the same boat as you. I too worry a lot about how other people view or judge my life because I tend to think my life is unusual. Mainly because I've never been in a relationship. I tried twice. Failed miserable. And I think I should have had that experience when I was a teen... Way too late to learn the game now. Not really seeing a happy end in that regard.
> 
> I think most people worry about how they are being perceived. You would be surprised how much thought goes to what they think of _other _people. It's a myth that people are judging us and looking at us at every move. The cold truth is most of us don't even turn up on the radar because we're quiet, aloof, reserved. It's most ironic that we worry a lot about how we are being perceived, because nobody is really paying that much attention in the first place.
> 
> What I think is the truth is that lots of people are in our situation and it's actually not that uncommon. I have two friends who are in the same boat as me. And while one pretends it's a choice, I know it's not really, and that there might be underlying problems just like I have. We just simple never talk about such things though.
> 
> Most of the people around me are settling down. Living together or getting married with their girlfriends. Carriers going off. Houses being bought. Children slowly getting in the picture. To be honest I'm expecting that most people will have less and less time for me. And that people will get fed up with me.
> 
> In general I think we're seen as men who are bachelors. To random strangers nothing weird about that. But my friends know I've never dated, at least they know I never talked about it, so there is that. I think that hurts my reputation a lot. Friends of those girlfriends would sooner or later all find out I've never dated or at least never had a girlfriend. Red flag right? So I'd have to date a completely stranger with no ties with friends or family or I'm seem as a freak. The problem with that is I'm just not outgoing enough to meet strangers like that. I haven't made new friends since I was 18.


I'm guessing you live in the West? If so, men who try to date have a much harder time of it (compared to females). I won't list the reasons on a public forum, but let's just say men are now opting out of the dating scene, and turning their backs on women over here

Alot of guys are now emigrating to other countries where they have a better shot at romance, or starting a family. It's sad that it's come to this, but hey, when needs must?


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## knightofdespair

I think the real source of pain is if that isn't how you want to live. If you want someone and can't find them, if you hate living alone in an apartment but that is all you can afford, if you want hobbies but are precluded from them by finances/space/etc. That is the hardest part for me is I feel like everyone around me can feel the panic I feel every day to wake up and live a lonely life I never wanted, to live and struggle to survive and for what?


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## SA go0n

Greentops said:


> Alot of guys are now emigrating to other countries where they have a better shot at romance, or starting a family. It's sad that it's come to this, but hey, when needs must?


This is interesting. I'm guessing that women in these particular countries don't have an unrealistic view on dating qualities of men as compared to the west.


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## jim11

I dunno about males but I know females have a hard time getting judged, especially if they are not young anymore.


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## nubly

Greentops said:


> Alot of guys are now emigrating to other countries where they have a better shot at romance, or starting a family. It's sad that it's come to this, but hey, when needs must?


source?


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## BettrResultsThisTimeIHope

* Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women? *

i dont. i get irritated though, when the family pushes upon me some girl they would like me to get to know even though im not interested.


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## The Sleeping Dragon

Greentops said:


> I'm guessing you live in the West? If so, men who try to date have a much harder time of it (compared to females). I won't list the reasons on a public forum, but let's just say men are now opting out of the dating scene, and turning their backs on women over here
> 
> Alot of guys are now emigrating to other countries where they have a better shot at romance, or starting a family. It's sad that it's come to this, but hey, when needs must?


Yep, west Europe. And I'm living in the rural part of my country. To be honest though, because of my issues, I never really was in the dating scene. I'm a disaster with asking women out. Though I've only asked a few times. It's certainly more my problem than society because everybody around me is hooking up or getting married. So there is that.

Also while for women (I always think 'females' is such a clinical word) the dating scene is very different, I think they don't have it easier. Even if you're a bomb shell, though granted less difficult to attract somebody than others

I mean how do you filter incoming romances when everybody thinks your hot? I once read that many people don't even bother with gorgeous people because everybody assume they are already taken because of it.

And what about women who just never get approached? Where I am from it's still the unwritten rule that men approach women and not the other way around. And I live in a very liberal country.

So while less attractive men can at least still approach and try, since nobody looks to _just_ attractiveness. You can show other attractive traits which are different for everybody by the way. Intelligence, wit, taste, hobbies, you name it. But the less attractive women would have a much harder time I imagine, in theory, because even though she gets to approach men all the same but she will be treated different for it. Maybe a lot less men are open to a women approaching a guy.

Maybe my ideas about this are totally wrong, I'd like to hear it. I'm far from an expert. Just thoughts really. I certainly never have been approach by a women that's for sure. Though granted I'm not really a looker. That or I'm completely oblivious about it for obvious reasons.

Why the hell are my posts always so long when I'm done typing... :blank


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## Greentops

You're right, men usually approach which is why the pick up scene (PUA) is quite hot at the moment as it offers some good advice on approaching women. Be warned, that this niche of pickup artistry has it's fair share of bogus claims, promises, and 'gurus'... but, there is some good info out there.

There are other emerging male groups (of like minded guys), who chose to disengage from the dating scene, traditional marriage, etc, as they find it causes more issues in life. The group is called Men Going Their Own Way (or MGTOW). 

There are other groups, but I won't mention it here as their views may be considered too inflammatory for this forum, but I learnt a few things that clicked with me.

But, back to your topic; women usually give off signals, both verbal and non, which indicates their interest. Depending on a women's attraction, it may be totally obvious, i.e. touching your arm when speaking, laughing at your crap jokes, dilated pupils, etc. I used to fall into the trap of being overly nice, and would end up nowhere by trying to curry favour by fixing her PC, cutting the lawn, etc (yep, I was a real sucker back then). But this got me no where with various women, and I had to find out where I was going wrong. You have to ramp it up if you're interested in her, make it obvious that you want to take it further (i.e. invite her back for a drink, watch a film, etc). Make your intentions known, but with some degree of subtlety! There are loads of variables when interaction with women, but it's not some secret code to crack!


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## Silent Image

I always think that if I find a place to live on my own, that I might attempt to date.

Who wants to date somebody 30+ still living with parents even if they have a job?
I don't think any women would


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## Disheveled and Lost

Greentops said:


> One of my neighbours told the whole street that I was a sex offender. The reason? None other that being me being a 'weirdo'. Wish I had enough evidence, otherwise I'd taken her sorry *** to court for slander, etc.


I don't think the location matters that much, I am in U.S. in a major city and I am pretty sure everyone thinks I am a sex offender. I could live in Kansas, N.Y. L.A. or Wisconsin and I'm sure I would get the same reaction. When I leave to go outside, my main goal is don't make eye contact with anyone, kids, parents, young men or women.

Maybe the problem is us, if I looked like a normal, clean cut guy and not a creep or weirdo, I don't think I would have this problem anywhere I lived


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## Agricola

I never liked bars or the traditional dating scene, even when I was younger. Its like a meat market, I always hated it because everyone tried to act "cooler" than they were. It was just atrocious. I imagine it just gets worse with age, so I avoid it. 

Its much better to meet people in other settings or through being introduced by other people.


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## Hikikomori2014

for the guys in that situation, they probably think you are closeted homosexuals.
I'm just saying.

I am single and live alone. I know people probably wonder why I don't have a hot bytch since I have my stuff together (own place, great job, etc). Such is life


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## hypestyle

farfegnugen said:


> *Do you worry about how people perceive you after a certain age if you are single, living alone, and aren't out there actively chasing women*?
> 
> After some failed relationships and personal economic downsizing in this climate, I find myself single and living alone while surrounded by couples- many who have small children. In itself, it's a kick in groin to where I expected my life to be.
> 
> I am fairly quiet and have little in common with these people. I am curious as to how I am perceived by people like this. *How do you think people that are past 30 that live alone are seen in the world in general?* That there is something wrong with us probably. Does this cross your mind? I think this applies differently to men than women, though maybe not. I think I am trying to find a new path in life, one with more tangible results than I have had up to this point, but I feel obligated to act differently and not cast an odd light. Anyone else going through anything like this?
> 
> I bolded the main points in case it's tl;dr.


Depends- some people are nonplussed. Some people are surprised. Some others may be "disdainful" but that would seem to be a select number of people. But the general "expectation" is that people over 30 would be living on their own and have some kind of romantic life if they are not married.

I'm pretty pissed off about my status quo; I have a job I can't stand anymore, I live with a parent and I've never had any kind of dating life or sex life at all. I hope to get in therapy in the coming weeks.


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## EMPx

You shouldn't care how others perceive you. All that matters is how you see your self and that you are living your life the way that you want to. Not what others consider to be the norm.


Most people get stuck into 'the routine'. The need to fit in, walk talk and quack like everyone else. Trying to appear normal. Trying to fit in.


You should not concern your self of the opinions of others. 


There are many reasons why a person could be single and alone at 30+. None of which is other peoples business.


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