# Do We feel we look worse then we actually do?



## Catching Fire (Apr 23, 2009)

I met with a psychiatrist today for the first time. Some how girls came up and he said he was surprised girls didn't hit on me a lot with the way I look. It really surprised me. I mean I feel so weird just writing that. But it makes sense. I'm tall, I work out quite a bit, I have good build. 

There are sometimes when I even feel I must look pretty good but I just dismiss it as I must be wrong. Or I find some small flaw and magnify it and act like it kills any chances of a girl finding me attractive. 


So what do you guys think do we feel we look worse then we actually do?


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## timmytim7 (Feb 15, 2009)

hi 

do you have body dysmorphic syndrome?


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## Catching Fire (Apr 23, 2009)

timmytim7 said:


> hi
> 
> do you have body dysmorphic syndrome?


I don't know. I've heard other people mention it and I wouldn't be surprised if I did. What are the symptoms?

I feel it might just be lack of self confidence though.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Absolutely. Someone said once that our personal problems turn every mirror into a funhouse mirror. It also doesn't help when you've been called ugly and ridiculed, so when we look at ourselves, we're remembering those comments. Eventually they come to form our self-image. I know I'm not a good-looking guy but I think that I overstate that fact to myself. Rationally I realize that I'm not quite as unattractive as I've come to believe I am. Sometimes I'll look at myself and think that I'm not that ugly, but it's hard to maintain that feeling.


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## hiimnotcool (Apr 28, 2009)

Yes, plus, I once saw a study that said people see someone as 20% more attractive then they see themselves. That's pretty crazy. If you're tall and in good shape then you have 80% of the male population beat in terms of attractiveness to women.


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

We are our own worst critics. I think all of you are twice as good as you think you are. Not me though :b


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

I can't even get the girl in my own dreams, it sucks:cry


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## C 13 (Feb 21, 2010)

Catching Fire said:


> I don't know. I've heard other people mention it and I wouldn't be surprised if I did. What are the symptoms?



Being preoccupied with minor or imaginary physical flaws, usually of the skin, hair, and nose, such as acne, scarring, facial lines, marks, pale skin, thinning hair, excessive body hair, large nose, or crooked nose.

Having a lot of anxiety and stress about the perceived flaw and spending a lot of time focusing on it, such as frequently picking at skin, excessively checking appearance in a mirror, hiding the imperfection, comparing appearance with others, excessively grooming, seeking reassurance from others about how they look, and getting cosmetic surgery.
BDD is very much focused on one or two perceived flaws that are clearly blown out of proportion, and the focus can shift from one 'flaw' to another. It involves a hectic preoccupation with the flaw, and as said above, causes significant anxiety and distress.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*Hmm*

The self image is a powerful thing. Because it's very difficult for someone to go beyond or outside their self image. Difficult to push themselves beyond their own ideas about their "limitations".


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## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

Hmmm.. I get the same reaction from people. they ask me 'wheres your boyfriend' or 'do you have one' and are surprised when i say no. And i honestly dont see what they see in me. Im not fishing for compliments but i honestly dont know why they say 'I dont know how you dont have a boyf' bla bla bla. It actually really annoys me, cos i find their questions very intrusive, and of course its always the people in a relationship that ask me this!!


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## CuartaVez (Dec 8, 2009)

I HATE myself in pictures, but the me i see in mirrors isn't that bad. Weird.


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

Cerberus said:


> Yes, what I see in the mirror and what I see in pictures of me are two completely different things. Often times, I dismiss what I see in pictures or I believe them for only a limited amount of time, eventually going back to thinking I'm ugly and that every girl I'm attracted to is out of my league or somehow out of my reach.
> 
> For example, when I look at pictures of me when I was a teenager I think I don't look bad at all, but at the time, I thought I looked hideous, thus pretty much ruining any confidence I had when it came to dating or anything like that. I'm not that different in my thinking now.


This is me as well. When I see a "good" picture of me (one that I feel relatively comfortable with in terms of my appearance) I have a hard time believing it, and chalk it up to some fluke, because it doesn't correspond to what I see in the mirror. Or I'll look back at pictures of me from previous years, and see something better than I might have seen it back then. (It doesn't help that I'm getting older though, so naturally pictures of me when I was younger are going to have some appeal compared to now.)

That said, I'm not entirely sure I could say I have BDD. Sometimes I think I do, in some small way. But then I feel that the things that bother me are not "minor" - to me they are significant. So to me I feel like my concerns are valid. Whereas other people might tell me they're not. But I can come up with all sorts of reasons as to why they just don't know what they're talking about. So people telling me I look good doesn't really help me at all, for that reason. Because I feel I know better, and they aren't seeing the full picture (so to speak).

Also, often I do see things in pictures that bother me, and reinforce what I see in the mirror. Thus reinforcing my negative self-esteem.

But regardless of whether my "issues" are real/significant or not, I wish I could get over these things. Because I've let it rule and destroy various aspects of my life up to now. Unfortunately it's easier said than done. I do envy and respect those people in this world who just live and experience life regardless of those issues that bother them. It astounds me sometimes. I just can't seem to grab that! (Yet another thing for me to feel negative about.)

I feel your pain. :yes

Good lord, that was unnecessarily long-winded. uke


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I've spent a long time absolutely sure i am hideous. Only recently have I begun to accept that I can be attractive.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

leonardess--You look very cute in your photo.

I actually think I look worse in photos than I do in the mirror (and I look terrible in the mirror). I look dissipated, skeletal and just plain weird in photos.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Catching Fire said:


> So what do you guys think do we feel we look worse then we actually do?


I'm sure many people do, but personally I feel that my self-perceptions are realistic. I mean, not everyone who's unattractive and believes so is wrong about it. But then again, maybe I am. :roll That's what bothers me the most; I'll never know for certain if I'm attractive to other people or not. Any compliment on my appearance I immediately dismiss as sarcasm or pity. Whether I believe I'm unattractive or otherwise, there's no way to tell for sure if I'm deluding myself or seeing what other people see. I'd give anything to just _know_ what someone else is thinking when they look at my face.


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## 1applehearts1 (Jan 7, 2010)

CuartaVez said:


> I HATE myself in pictures, but the me i see in mirrors isn't that bad. Weird.


i still feel ugly in the mirror but in pictures i look so much worse. weird. why is that???? lol


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

shadowmask said:


> I'm sure many people do, but personally I feel that my self-perceptions are realistic. I mean, not everyone who's unattractive and believes so is wrong about it. But then again, maybe I am. :roll That's what bothers me the most; I'll never know for certain if I'm attractive to other people or not. Any compliment on my appearance I immediately dismiss as sarcasm or pity. Whether I believe I'm unattractive or otherwise, there's no way to tell for sure if I'm deluding myself or seeing what other people see. I'd give anything to just _know_ what someone else is thinking when they look at my face.


I would love to be able to see/perceive myself from the point of view of others.

But then again, I suppose in the end that's not what counts. What counts is that you learn to love and live with yourself, flaws and all. Because every single person out there is going to perceive you differently. I'm definitely trying to improve on that (or at least think about improving on it :b).


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

I used to hate how I looked:too tall,ugly face,ugly nose,almost everything was ugly..
Now it has gotten a little bit better,I like being tall(or not when I'm trying to find jeans or shoes lol) and I can see some good things about my appearance.
But still I can feel that I'm not attractive and I start doubting myself.Through the media we also get this picture about what's attractive and what's not,but I try to distance myself from that..Not easy,but then again I think a lot of people could look fantastic if they had a personal stylist.And if you've seen pictures of celebrities without make-up and in their everyday clothes they look just like a normal person.

And if I look at my own personal taste when it comes to men it's quite different from what the media tells us,and everyone has their own personal taste.I don't quite belive the thing about universal beauty,I don't think that applies for everyone.I find people that are too "perfect" very boring to look at..


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

I look horrible. I hate seeing pics of me. And i especially hate when i go in computer stores and they have webcams open for everyone to see. I avoid them like the plague. Same with mirrors or any shiny object that could show how i look.


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## 1applehearts1 (Jan 7, 2010)

Logan X said:


> I look horrible. I hate seeing pics of me. And i especially hate when i go in computer stores and they have webcams open for everyone to see. I avoid them like the plague. Same with mirrors or any shiny object that could show how i look.


wow, im JUST like you, i do the same thing. i hate going into places with harsh lighting and many mirrors :afr


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

a lot of the time i think i look kinda goofy. sometimes i think i look good, but then i worry that i'm wrong, and since i don't get anyone telling me if i look good or not i tend to go with the most pessimistic option. my main problem is that i loose perspective and have no idea what other people think so i can't really trust my own judgement.


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## giggles (Apr 30, 2009)

its absolutely true that we THINK we look far worse than we do. and the facts you find about it!! i was up late one night...doctor phil came on tv- it was on about bdd, which is body dismorphia disorder, people think they look worse than what they really look like. and the people on that show were all beautiful. and i was just sitting there like astonished. i couldnt believe people can think so badly of themselves. it's actually heartbreaking.


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## filbert (Mar 23, 2010)

Going to hair salons are my worst nightmare; sitting in the bright lights in front of those mirrors, all the while knowing the stylist and the other patrons are wondering who let the creature out. There are rare instances that I've felt that perhaps I had been over exaggerating how badly I looked; finding a nice dress, or seeing a photo that I think I look alright in. But, that doesn't last very long. I see my reflection in a shop window and I'm horrified I even considered leaving the house, or looking at the photo one more time and seeing the bad skin, terrible hair, squinty eyes, horrid fashion sense, adding it all up and throwing the photo out in disgust.

I'd like to think I look like the girl on the rare occasions, sure slightly disheveled, but not omg eye bleach worthy. Unfortunately, that's just wishful thinking.


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## knuckles17 (Jun 27, 2009)

u guys that say ur ugly never are and always are better looking than me im surprised mirrors don't break when i look into them :O


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

knuckles17 said:


> u guys that say ur ugly never are and always are better looking than me im surprised mirrors don't break when i look into them :O


I have seen your pics - you are not breaking mirrors. You are not a bad looking guy at all. 
Please don't send anyone to attack my dog (referring to your YouTube video). He passed away eight years ago. :rain


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

filbert said:


> Going to hair salons are my worst nightmare; sitting in the bright lights in front of those mirrors, all the while knowing the stylist and the other patrons are wondering who let the creature out. There are rare instances that I've felt that perhaps I had been over exaggerating how badly I looked; finding a nice dress, or seeing a photo that I think I look alright in. But, that doesn't last very long. I see my reflection in a shop window and I'm horrified I even considered leaving the house, or looking at the photo one more time and seeing the bad skin, terrible hair, squinty eyes, horrid fashion sense, adding it all up and throwing the photo out in disgust.
> 
> I'd like to think I look like the girl on the rare occasions, sure slightly disheveled, but not omg eye bleach worthy. Unfortunately, that's just wishful thinking.


Awww, filbert. :hug

I am positive you look much better than you think. Please don't let yourself think that way. I have chatted with many women here who thought they were ugly and were too embarrased to post a pic. In every case they turned out to be far better looking than they thought.

I don't ever remember thinking of someone as horrible, or repulsive as you describe, or anything even close. As a matter of fact I usually find beauty of some kind in most people. I am sure you are exaggerating it but that's just the way you see it. Don't believe it though. It's a distorted view.


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## seastar (Mar 27, 2009)

I sometimes think I have the opposite of this, I always swan around like Marilyn Monroe thinking I am at least 80% better looking than I actually am!

Have you ever been to a party and then looked at the photos after and been completely stunned that that is what you actually looked like?! I feel so ashamed that I actually talked to the cool people looking like that, it's no wonder that they were looking back at me strangely.



filbert said:


> Going to hair salons are my worst nightmare; sitting in the bright lights in front of those mirrors, all the while knowing the stylist and the other patrons are wondering who let the creature out. There are rare instances that I've felt that perhaps I had been over exaggerating how badly I looked; finding a nice dress, or seeing a photo that I think I look alright in. But, that doesn't last very long. I see my reflection in a shop window and I'm horrified I even considered leaving the house, or looking at the photo one more time and seeing the bad skin, terrible hair, squinty eyes, horrid fashion sense, adding it all up and throwing the photo out in disgust.
> 
> I'd like to think I look like the girl on the rare occasions, sure slightly disheveled, but not omg eye bleach worthy. Unfortunately, that's just wishful thinking.


I understand every word of this. I don't own a single photo of myself.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

"I'm sure many people do, but personally I feel that my self-perceptions are realistic."

Realistic? We're bags of water on legs walking on a planet which orbits a sun in one solar system and we, as human beings, think we have a handle or a clue about what is and what is not "realistic". The I-Pad wasn't realistic ten years ago.

"I mean, not everyone who's unattractive and believes so is wrong about it. But then again, maybe I am. That's what bothers me the most; I'll never know for certain if I'm attractive to other people or not. Any compliment on my appearance I immediately dismiss as sarcasm or pity. Whether I believe I'm unattractive or otherwise, there's no way to tell for sure if I'm deluding myself or seeing what other people see. I'd give anything to just know what someone else is thinking when they look at my face."

A lot of people think of these things as "static". As if there's a "is" and then there's a your perception and the perceptions of others. So a lot of people think of it like this: you are either attractive or you're not and there's your perception of it and other people's perceptions of it. That's not it at all.

Attraction is relative, subjective, fluid and it moves. If you think and believe you're attractive, guess what? You are. You hold the authority.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

I usually think I look okay in the mirror but I hardly ever think of myself as looking the same when I'm around other people.


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## foodie (Apr 27, 2010)

yup i feel this alot...even though i get hit on i don't think im like a freakin 10 or anything..i just dont see myself as being really really attractive even though most ppl probabably would say i am and for the fact that i get hit on alot...i would give myself a 6.5 and a 7.5 on a good day i guess...but then there are days i have a huge *** ego but those days are really rare...for the most part i dont think im really don't feel that attractive as the attention ill get or what not even throught hte internet...


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I watched some of an MTV "True Life" episode about body dysmorphic disorder. Two women were profiled, both of whom felt that they were unattractive and were seeking plastic surgery. While neither of them were raving beauties (one was pretty cute except for her personality), they both felt that they were downright hideous. Actually, it was their personalities that made them unattractive, as they were both repellent in the way they behaved. One of them even asked her mom if she had been born deformed. It makes me wonder about the possibility that someone else might not view me as being as ugly as I view myself.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

There are days I don't feel like I look that good and then there are days I do. I notice that a lot of it depends on how confident I am. For instance, I see people on facebook and they have kids or wives or girlfriends or boyfriends who are really cute and they seem to be doing great and it makes me sometimes lose a little confidence in myself and feel bad. Or there are times I'll get rejected by someone and it'll hurt and make me question myself and my looks but that's life.

I've had people tell me I'm cute and I've had people tell me I'm ugly. Just as long as I can find someone who thinks I'm cute and I think she's cute then I can really give to sh**s less about what other people think.


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## Narcissus (Aug 28, 2007)

Unfortunately, I believe my perception is justified.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Catching Fire said:


> There are sometimes when I even feel I must look pretty good but I just dismiss it as I must be wrong. Or I find some small flaw and magnify it and act like it kills any chances of a girl finding me attractive.


Same here pretty much.. I don't understand it


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## Nathan18 (Sep 15, 2009)

CuartaVez said:


> I HATE myself in pictures, but the me i see in mirrors isn't that bad. Weird.


This.

I hate pictures and attempt to hide whenever someone wants to take pictures. If I am directly asked, I will always say no. What I see in the mirror is different to what I see in pictures. Based on that, I don't know what to think.

I know that my anxiety is heavily based on my appearance.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

I'm okay with my looks personally, I do notice women interested in my sometimes. I'm very good at reading body language. I just never have the courage or esteem to do anything.

I do hate having my photo taken though.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Yes, definitely.

It's funny, when I was younger I thought I was pretty cute (5-9 years old.) My thoughts changed when I felt as though no one was interested in me and would always comment about how pretty my sister was and never say anything about me. I looked over some photos recently when I was 10-14 and realised just how wrong I was.

I'm now 19 and I feel alright about my appearance. I still think I'm goofy looking because of my eyes and my expressions in general but I'm certain that's something ONLY I see.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

YAY my favourite thread. Today I hate the way I look, anyone else feel the same???


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I think it's true.

It's not something I'd normally disclose but I've been really surprised on the odd occasion some of the girls who have found me attractive. I find it surprising because I would otherwise normally consider most of them being way out of my league.

I guess I have low self esteem though. I genuinely have a list of things I'd change about myself from a physical perspective.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

BetaBoy90 said:


> YAY my favourite thread. Today I hate the way I look, anyone else feel the same???


I feel ya' bro


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

I always get told I'm good looking, I don't see it..lol.


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## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm pretty sure I have a very accurate image of myself, but that's not good. It'd be better to be in denial and enjoy life for what it's worth rather than get down about something I can't change.


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

Being older, I don't care as much about this as I used to. But mostly I just gave up on the idea of being good looking, and life is a lot better without worrying so much about it.

I think my mind made the association between ugliness and worthlessness when I was younger. Because of popularity contests in school, the media, Hollywood movies, TV, etc etc. So no, I didn't want to be ugly - that meant you deserved to be thrown in the trash. I think I got that message implicitly from my parents also.

Most of my anxiety was wrapped up in how I looked. It was even bigger than social anxiety for a long time. And my utter negativity really distorted how I saw myself also, to the point I felt like the elephant man.

That's the thing - your mood *really* affects how you see yourself. And how you _feel_ about yourself as a person does also.

I remember as a kid reading that Abraham Lincoln was considered to be really ugly, and I was like, what?? I didn't see it at all, because I admired him as a person.

Anyway, I guess the point is, for a long time I was using looks as the sole gauge of my worth as a person. But that's NOT how it's supposed to be. Your family should have given you a sense of implicit worth as a person. I was never even aware that that was a possibility though, except in seeing all these other people who seemed to have some basic self-esteem that I lacked.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

LostPancake said:


> That's the thing - your mood *really* affects how you see yourself. And how you _feel_ about yourself as a person does also.


Definitely agree. I've been my own witness to this on more than one occasion.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

layitontheline said:


> I'm pretty sure I have a very accurate image of myself, but that's not good. It'd be better to be in denial and enjoy life for what it's worth rather than get down about something I can't change.


This is pretty much what I was going to post.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Probably. I've had people be surprised that I don't find myself good looking. 

I just don't see what they see.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

Next step in vision technology would be to let everyone look as hot and desirable as they so choose, get on it scientists!


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## Deathinmusic (Jun 5, 2009)

I have in the past months realized that I look better than I thought I did, and that I can in fact be attractive to females. Unfortunately that won't change much, because my anxiety/avoidance isn't strongly tied to my looks.


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## thewall (Feb 1, 2009)

Unfortunately, I think my self-perception is accurate. Awhile ago I put some pictures on Yahoo Answers (it's extremely embarrassing to admit that, but I was just desperate to know) and the people on there confirmed that the flaws that supposedly "only I notice" are actually visible to everyone else too.


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## EunieLuv (Jul 1, 2010)

Josh90 said:


> I always get told I'm good looking, I don't see it..lol.


 That's how I am in a nutshell lol


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

"Unfortunately, I think my self-perception is accurate. Awhile ago I put some pictures on Yahoo Answers (it's extremely embarrassing to admit that, but I was just desperate to know) and the people on there confirmed that the flaws that supposedly "only I notice" are actually visible to everyone else too."

I'm curious: what exactly did you do? Put up a picture on Yahoo and say: "this is me" and then a bunch of people decided to comment on your looks or did you put the picture up and say: "hey, I have some negative views about my looks. Do you see the flaws I see?"

The people on Yahoo answers confirmed things did they? Confirmed? All they did was, perhaps, feedback a negative belief you have about yourself. Yahoo Answers is not the universe. And even if it were, it matters not. All you got was opinions. This whole: "other people will decide whether I am attractive or not" thing really doesn't hold. Attractive is not the same as "good looking" and so much is relative, subjective and moving.

I've got a big massive hang up about my thinning hair. Genes not exactly on my side on that account. I worry it makes me look a lot older than I actually am. I also worry about my face. And about my body. I've lost a lot of weight recently and my accident almost made me a cripple. Now, don't get me wrong. Disabled people are gorgeous too. What I'm saying is: I had those doubts about my appearance in relation to me and my own attractiveness. I fought hard to repair my arm and the side effect actually meant I toned up quite a bit and I still remember the night when two of the sexiest girls in our social group told me I looked really good and one wouldn't take her hands off me all night. Mind you, she was plastered at the time. But I digress.

I've heard a lot of the defences of the belief system from a lot of people. The ones who throw evolutionary things at me and say: "these things that scientific studies suggest can be used to roughly predict how attractive you are". Well, if they were, it would the most vulnerable, down right daft guess on the face of the planet. Do it to a man, stick a "you are attractive" label on him, let him out the lab, wait five seconds, he meets a gay woman and the whole thing has just blown up because, chances are, he's not exactly attractive to her.

So you can be secure in your insecurities if you want to be. That's fine. Or become less secure in them too if you want to. It doesn't matter. The standards people have tried to set up to say what is and what is not attractive or good looking do not hold. A friend of mine really fancies former UK PM Gordon Brown. By no stretch of the imagination is he a media pin up.

A lot of people say: "oh, I can't be objective about my looks so I'll ask other people". How exactly are they going to be objective about them?

You're not really going to get that static: "I am good looking" answer for one hundred percent sure. Not from other people anyway. They don't decide. You do. Not in an arrogant, "i'm amazing" kind of way. But in a: "yeah, I'm good enough and I'm going to enjoy life and not worry about this stuff anymore" kind of way.


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