# Completely failing, it's my fault!!!



## Mononymous (Nov 13, 2016)

I'm really sorry for the length and absence of paragraphs;

I've been trying to see doctors and different people about mental health problems I've been having all my life and are coming to a head now, and I think social anxiety is a big part of it. I was meant to have completed my part of a first-year group presentation for uni in the UK and to present it tomorrow, but I went home over the weekend to see my parents because I've been finding uni so hard, and didn't prepare properly. I don't think I could prepare in time or take the fallout, so I left my group's Facebook conversation and started the process of deleting my Facebook page (which I did before but cancelled). Everything is falling apart but I don't feel unhappy because I can distract myself so well now but it means I'm also distracting myself from my work. This has been happening for years but no-one is helping me or taking me seriously. I'm prepared to do anything I can to help myself but no-one is able to help me. I'm seeing a counsellor who told me to see a doctor, who just told me to see the counsellor again. I'm seeing them weekly but it's not enough and every day is so hard. I stopped my antidepressants before I came to uni this year - I've been on them twice and have done loads of research on them, and I don't think they can be trusted. I've asked so much for a psychiatrist or psychologist but the N.H.S. is broken, and I'm a student who's too anxious to even get a job so I don't have the money for private therapy. Because I'm so used to dealing with this kind of thing (I had problems even as a toddler and I've lost so many friends, I have nothing), it feels like there's nothing wrong because I can block it all, but my life is falling apart at the very seams and there's barely a patch left in my quilt. I feel so bad. I've been thinking of even just quitting university, but I want to study, and I couldn't stand doing nothing and living at home again. It feels like I'm skipping all my assessments (tomorrow is my first but it's a group presentation so what I'm doing is really bad) and I can't take it - I'm really scared I'm going to get kicked out, plus my student loan means I'll have to pay money back into the system for decades when all I'm doing is hiding away from my faculty staff and the other students as I just can't take it. But because I hold myself together so well no-one ever believes anything is wrong, let alone the stigma towards people with mental health difficulties already prevalent in society - plus I hardly feel deserving. I keep getting told "you're the expert in your own life", but then WHY WOULD I BE ASKING FOR HELP IF I WAS THE EXPERT?!?!?! Morons. Plus I don't even know what I'm diagnosed with if anything, I don't trust the doctors at all. "MINDFULNESS" WON'T FIX MY BROKEN EXISTENCE!!! I don't know where to turn. My family can't cope with what I tell them let alone the truth, and I can't live like this anymore and it's not fair on them when I can't take it and use them to lean on. I have nothing and I've lost so much of my life, yet I still can't bring things under control and I know I have no-one to blame for this but myself. I'm always being told to take responsibility and that everyone has problems. But if I could get over this I would! It's ruining my life and I feel like such a slob even though I'm living away from home. I hate everything about my life. I feel like the doctors and professionals don't understand how bad it is for me and what it's like, they use technical language during our meetings and constantly analyse me as if they want to compare me to something in their textbooks. I don't know what to do. I'd sell everything I have, book a flight to Australia and walk through the desert until I collapsed tomorrow if I thought it would give me an epiphany that would help. I feel like there's nothing in modern western society (let alone all the poor people that have to deal with this in countries with so many other problems already) (though I've heard Britain is the corruption capital of the world which might have something to do with it) to really help people like me and my life is practically over already. I was so looking forward to uni being a fresh start for me but was naive to think I would change along with my geographical location. I'm so sick of everything and no-one can help me and I don't know what to do. And I know my situation is the norm. Please help!!


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## littleghost (Oct 29, 2016)

What if instead of doctors and therapists you tried a support group? Then it would be people like yourself who would understand and not try to analyze so much. There might be something at your university or else you could search for one in the area.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and I hope things get better for you.


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