# Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents



## Gurjot

If in doubt, get a consultation with a quality therapist. Your mom did the best she could; she loved you as she was able. But, it did not give you the bedrock to build on. Now, as an adult, you find yourself empty, clingy or depressed. It's your job to recognize what happened, get your anxiety or depression treated and find a deeper appreciation of yourself and others.

*What Are The Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?*

The symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder include the following:

A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others).
Is obsessed with him- or herself.
Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated.
Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships.
Becomes furious if criticized.
Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
Requires extreme admiration for everything.
Feels entitled - has unreasonable expectations of special treatment.
Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs.
Has zero empathy - cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others.
May be envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her.
Behaves arrogantly, haughtily.

*Narcissistic Parents have many subtle - and some not-so-subtle- ways in which they abuse their children. These types of abuse include the following:*

Compulsively lying to children
Ignores and/or overwhelms the children
Neglects needs of the child
Makes child feel as though he/she does not matter
Puts parental needs far above those of the children
Mold children to an "ideal" image
Promotes and fosters a dependent relationship between parent and child
Distorts the concept of "love"
Manipulation for pleasure
Says one thing one day, something else the next
Untrustworthy
Uses the child's vulnerabilities to exploit the child
Subtly and not-subtly insults children
Ignores personal boundaries 
Treats others as objects, not people
Makes child feel as though he or she is insane

Growing up with all emotional needs unmet, becoming a "mini-adult," being the product of so much emotional abuse takes a tremendous toll on a child of a Narcissistic Parent.

*THIS IS MY DAMAGE DESCRIBED PERFECTLY BY Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D:*
Some narcissistic mothers fixate on their son as a golden child and a psychological partner. The son of the narcissist is adored by the mother. Although there is no actual incestuous interaction between mother and son, the narcissistic mother can be provocative and psychologically seductive with this child. Learning from early childhood that he is the prince of the household, he feels superior and self entitled to do whatever he wants. The father is out of the picture and takes no significant role in the child's development. The narcissistic mother has no interest in her spouse.
The focus is on her special boy: his talents, charm, brilliance and superiority to everyone else. Early on the mother communicates to her son that he has no limits and is perfect. This boy knows from the time that he is very young that he is golden-adored and revered by his mother.
The narcissistic mother often raises a narcissistic son, an individual she can turn to for validation and a special person on whom she can attach her grandiose dreams of worldly success and power.Mother's adoration and psychological fusion come at a weighty price. Narcissistic sons of narcissistic mothers have great difficulty becoming real men. Mother has manipulated her child as an adored object. As a result the narcissistic son cannot have emotionally and psychologically intimate relationships with women.
Many of these male narcissists detest women and are frightened of being emasculated by them. This is a painful psychological remnant of growing up being suffocated by mother and not allowed to develop a separate identity as a man. Although these narcissistic man can appear to be normal with spouses and families, they are going only through the motions, creating and sustaining an idealized image of spouse and father.
Beneath the elaborate facade, the narcissistic son remains trapped in the psychological strangle hold of his narcissistic mother whom he now treats with cold contempt.

Please I would love to start this group, I need it and I know some of you on this forum need it too. Our SA, our struggle, came from nurture just as much as nature. There is no judgement just compassion on this thread 

PLEASE LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT IT AND OVERCOME OUR CRUEL UPBRINGING :yes


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## StEnds

*Count me in.*

*raises hand*

I am an adult that was adopted by a supremely narcissistic, abusive, father. My mother is co-dependent and bi-polar. Unrelated I have Aspergers and PTSD.

My father is still abusive and now quite ill. I live 10 miles away and find myself often having to help them (which is very exhausting as I do not take decent care of myself).

I put myself though some weird acceptance as a child, fully aware of how bad I was treated but thankful for living in such a nice home and not needing anything (because they clothed and fed me), which was absurd and I am only now starting to realize it.

Three years after they adopted me, which was only because they were told they were infertile, they had a son. He can do no wrong, and I actually do refer to him as the golden child. 
He was constantly showered with objects, attention, affection, encouragement, support and luxurious trips. They treated me as opposite as possible. 
My hair was cut short against my will and I was dressed as a boy (I am a female but due to that, or perhaps the Aspergers, I have trouble associating with being female. I am also androgynous and asexual, so it is pretty complicated).
I had a very "pretty" room, with floral pink wallpaper, pink carpet, powder blue dressers and a white canopy bed, (that was for show to others as I had no interest in such things) with, more importantly, less then a dozen toys and books. Not really an issue of materialism but they were wealthy and my brother's room was cluttered with every toy imaginable. Being a reader I would devour anything I could get my hands on, and books were sparse in the house. Often I only had National Geographic, which I would then take maps of India and Africa to decorate my walls with. I learned quickly they were also racist. On a side note, amusingly enough, having had my DNA tested it turns out I am mixed despite having the complexion of snow white. Eventually at the age of 14 I was allowed to redecorate, arranging a bargain that involved honor roll in school, and I happily painted those walls _Radishio_ and all my furniture black.

I was not hugged, except on Christmas, and often left with relatives while they went on vacations all over the world. I never dared to complain, and it was pointed out to me endlessly that my brother and I were treated fairly and exactly the same. In what dimension I do not know. *lol*
I was always introduced as their adopted daughter (much like in one of my favorite films, Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums). I was talked down to, ignored, and abused verbally, physically and emotionally.

To this day I do not recollect most of my childhood, despite having an exceptional memory. Though I do remember near the age of 8 (I like to blame everything around this time for some reason) my mother burst into my room, dramatically, as she always did when alone with me and still does, holding a dress. In a very over the top voice she told me, "In case something happens, this is the dress I want to be buried in".

Perfectly normal childhood. 

I could go on for days about how dealing with my father, the king of his castle, is like walking on eggshells and all the bizarre things he would do, like putting himself first and above everyone else, how careless he is of anyone else's feelings, and when he is playful you better play along, etc.

All because of how my parents treated me, jokingly friends have referred to me as Harry Potter.  I oddly enough looked very much like him as a child, short dark untidy hair, glasses, pale, and a scar on my forehead that I have had since birth, raised by a very Dursley-like family.

I think your idea is grand.


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## probably offline

StEnds said:


> I could go on for days about how dealing with my father, the king of his castle, is like walking on eggshells and all the bizarre things he would do, like putting himself first and above everyone else, how careless he is of anyone else's feelings, and when he is playful you better play along, etc..


I know this feel.

I'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through. It sounds awful.


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## Gurjot

StEnds said:


> *raises hand*
> 
> I am an adult that was adopted by a supremely narcissistic, abusive, father. My mother is co-dependent and bi-polar. Unrelated I have Aspergers and PTSD.
> 
> My father is still abusive and now quite ill. I live 10 miles away and find myself often having to help them (which is very exhausting as I do not take decent care of myself).
> 
> I put myself though some weird acceptance as a child, fully aware of how bad I was treated but thankful for living in such a nice home and not needing anything (because they clothed and fed me), which was absurd and I am only now starting to realize it.
> 
> Three years after they adopted me, which was only because they were told they were infertile, they had a son. He can do no wrong, and I actually do refer to him as the golden child.
> He was constantly showered with objects, attention, affection, encouragement, support and luxurious trips. They treated me as opposite as possible.
> My hair was cut short against my will and I was dressed as a boy (I am a female but due to that, or perhaps the Aspergers, I have trouble associating with being female. I am also androgynous and asexual, so it is pretty complicated).
> I had a very "pretty" room, with floral pink wallpaper, pink carpet, powder blue dressers and a white canopy bed, (that was for show to others as I had no interest in such things) with, more importantly, less then a dozen toys and books. Not really an issue of materialism but they were wealthy and my brother's room was cluttered with every toy imaginable. Being a reader I would devour anything I could get my hands on, and books were sparse in the house. Often I only had National Geographic, which I would then take maps of India and Africa to decorate my walls with. I learned quickly they were also racist. On a side note, amusingly enough, having had my DNA tested it turns out I am mixed despite having the complexion of snow white. Eventually at the age of 14 I was allowed to redecorate, arranging a bargain that involved honor roll in school, and I happily painted those walls _Radishio_ and all my furniture black.
> 
> I was not hugged, except on Christmas, and often left with relatives while they went on vacations all over the world. I never dared to complain, and it was pointed out to me endlessly that my brother and I were treated fairly and exactly the same. In what dimension I do not know. *lol*
> I was always introduced as their adopted daughter (much like in one of my favorite films, Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums). I was talked down to, ignored, and abused verbally, physically and emotionally.
> 
> To this day I do not recollect most of my childhood, despite having an exceptional memory. Though I do remember near the age of 8 (I like to blame everything around this time for some reason) my mother burst into my room, dramatically, as she always did when alone with me and still does, holding a dress. In a very over the top voice she told me, "In case something happens, this is the dress I want to be buried in".
> 
> Perfectly normal childhood.
> 
> I could go on for days about how dealing with my father, the king of his castle, is like walking on eggshells and all the bizarre things he would do, like putting himself first and above everyone else, how careless he is of anyone else's feelings, and when he is playful you better play along, etc.
> 
> All because of how my parents treated me, jokingly friends have referred to me as Harry Potter.  I oddly enough looked very much like him as a child, short dark untidy hair, glasses, pale, and a scar on my forehead that I have had since birth, raised by a very Dursley-like family.
> 
> I think your idea is grand.


I'm glad you shared that and I'm glad you've kept your hope intact because at this point all we have is hope of things getting better time and age. My mother now resents me because I wasn't the golden child she expected me to be to make her look invincible in front of the other moms, not knowing that her constant lack of love is what made me who I am. I'm trying out mindfulness and CBT by Dr. Richards and one of the steps is to just "let go" because the resentment and the "why me" will just hold us back, the hardest part for us is to have the strength to show selfless empathy when we were never given it in the first place. The impulses of our narcissism creeps up sometimes because were conditioned this way by our parents who were the thorough bread Narcs. But we can still change and feel worthy of our being and not like Quasimoto. We are worthy people who mean well but are misjudged sometimes because it is hard for us to express love and confidence when we were never psychologically raised that way.

LAST WORD: People do genuinely care about us, but we need to first feel vulnerability to truly believe it.


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## Riri11

hey man..
stay strong.. the worst is gone.


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## vicente

Gurjot said:


> *THIS IS MY DAMAGE DESCRIBED PERFECTLY BY Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D:*
> Some narcissistic mothers fixate on their son as a golden child and a psychological partner. The son of the narcissist is adored by the mother. Although there is no actual incestuous interaction between mother and son, the narcissistic mother can be provocative and psychologically seductive with this child. Learning from early childhood that he is the prince of the household, he feels superior and self entitled to do whatever he wants. The father is out of the picture and takes no significant role in the child's development. The narcissistic mother has no interest in her spouse.
> The focus is on her special boy: his talents, charm, brilliance and superiority to everyone else. Early on the mother communicates to her son that he has no limits and is perfect. This boy knows from the time that he is very young that he is golden-adored and revered by his mother.
> The narcissistic mother often raises a narcissistic son, an individual she can turn to for validation and a special person on whom she can attach her grandiose dreams of worldly success and power.Mother's adoration and psychological fusion come at a weighty price. Narcissistic sons of narcissistic mothers have great difficulty becoming real men. Mother has manipulated her child as an adored object. As a result the narcissistic son cannot have emotionally and psychologically intimate relationships with women.
> Many of these male narcissists detest women and are frightened of being emasculated by them. This is a painful psychological remnant of growing up being suffocated by mother and not allowed to develop a separate identity as a man. Although these narcissistic man can appear to be normal with spouses and families, they are going only through the motions, creating and sustaining an idealized image of spouse and father.
> Beneath the elaborate facade, the narcissistic son remains trapped in the psychological strangle hold of his narcissistic mother whom he now treats with cold contempt.
> 
> Please I would love to start this group, I need it and I know some of you on this forum need it too. Our SA, our struggle, came from nurture just as much as nature. There is no judgement just compassion on this thread
> 
> PLEASE LET'S ALL TALK ABOUT IT AND OVERCOME OUR CRUEL UPBRINGING :yes


This person describes one possible relationship type between a narcissistic mother and her child: The Golden Child. I, on the other hand, was *The Scapegoat Child*. Whatever was wrong was my fault, and apparently I'm a worthless piece of crap and crazy too, according to my mom. She never took responsibility for anything and insisting on cruel punishments for me alone out of the other children. This gave me an incredibly low self-esteem and makes it hard for me to make friends and date because I think everyone is better than me and normal.


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## Gurjot

vicente said:


> This person describes one possible relationship type between a narcissistic mother and her child: The Golden Child. I, on the other hand, was *The Scapegoat Child*. Whatever was wrong was my fault, and apparently I'm a worthless piece of crap and crazy too, according to my mom. She never took responsibility for anything and insisting on cruel punishments for me alone out of the other children. This gave me an incredibly low self-esteem and makes it hard for me to make friends and date because I think everyone is better than me and normal.


Usually it's said that the scapegoat child is the least likely to be influenced into developing narcissistic traits since the Narc mother is distant from "feeding" the child any of her behaviors and ways. Do you feel narcisstic at times?


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## Gurjot

What are all of your takes on confidence vs narcissism?


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## vicente

Gurjot said:


> Usually it's said that the scapegoat child is the least likely to be influenced into developing narcissistic traits since the Narc mother is distant from "feeding" the child any of her behaviors and ways. Do you feel narcisstic at times?


Not very frequently, but it does happen. My narcissistic tendencies aren't about thinking that I'm awesome, but are about criticizing people because they don't match what *I* like.


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## Gurjot

I almost attacked my mother today, I had to walk out of the house and drive away to no where and scream, curse everything, punch the **** out of my radio until my knuckles were bloody, and then laugh at it all because it calmed me down so much but man was it intense I actually thought I was going to finally snap. That's what happens when you live with the devil in the skin of a woman who claims everyday "but I'm your mother"


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## StEnds

Gurjot said:


> I'm glad you shared that and I'm glad you've kept your hope intact because at this point all we have is hope of things getting better time and age. My mother now resents me because I wasn't the golden child she expected me to be to make her look invincible in front of the other moms, not knowing that her constant lack of love is what made me who I am. I'm trying out mindfulness and CBT by Dr. Richards and one of the steps is to just "let go" because the resentment and the "why me" will just hold us back, the hardest part for us is to have the strength to show selfless empathy when we were never given it in the first place. The impulses of our narcissism creeps up sometimes because were conditioned this way by our parents who were the thorough bread Narcs. But we can still change and feel worthy of our being and not like Quasimoto. We are worthy people who mean well but are misjudged sometimes because it is hard for us to express love and confidence when we were never psychologically raised that way.
> 
> LAST WORD: People do genuinely care about us, but we need to first feel vulnerability to truly believe it.


Alright, I've been MIA from here because I recently became ill and apparently never bookmarked this place. Alas, I found my way back and I'm going to blab my face off a bit.

This may sound peculiar but PTSD helped me. I don't experience emotion anymore so letting go of any last few things troubling me was very easy. But I have to say I don't think people genuinely care about me, and I am okay with it.

Most people, that I have found in my own experience, are self-absorbed and exist in a bubble of comfort. A good handful mean well but stay in their own comfort zones. Not a lot of people put themselves out there and really help others. I used to. Now I tend to stay away from everyone because I find most people are selfish and lie. I have become very cautious. 
I can tell anyone anything. I don't see hardships as weaknesses and it doesn't bother me who knows of my life. I don't follow normal social rules. I don't get embarrassed or ashamed. I have also had more then my share of vulnerability, and it isn't for me. 
I was a very emotionally and mentally strong person. To believe I was cared for, I needed support, which I have rarely found in my life. I've been a pillar for countless people. I've only found a few I could ever lean on.

I never did the "why me" responses to being abused, bullied, or mistreated in general. I simply, pardon my language, knew my parents were *******s, or that people were taking things out on me, having a bad day, etc. I know I'm not a saint or above anyone else but I know who I am. I am a kind, giving person, or... I was. I would never intentionally hurt a fly, so I never blamed myself. I did want justice for all the abuse, for a long time when I was an angst-filled teen, but I got over it. 
I've accepted justice is perspective and such things, like karma, don't exist. The world is in complete imbalance, very few things make sense, we don't really know what the hell we are doing, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I really never blamed myself for how I was treated. I was always confident and comfortable with myself despite all the abuse. I myself am not narcissistic. I always had this ability to look at a situation, entirely detached, no doubt that's a benefit of Aspergers, and examine it.
I know it is common for an abused child to feel they are to blame or somehow unworthy. Luckily I didn't develop it. I also know some can become oblivious, like my brother "the golden child" who, though he was spoiled, he was also abused in a totally different way. He is very detached from reality and in his mind I, who received very little, who was beaten, verbally abused and neglected, got "more". Frighteningly enough, he is now a police officer. He is extremely controlling and demanding of his own children, raising them under militant style, while mine are raised as some sort of gothic bohemians. *shrugs* Which way is "right"? Is anyone ever loved enough?

I turned 40 recently. Though I don't feel or (supposedly) even look "old" I am coming to terms how people are treated. I spent almost 18 years of my life in a severely abusive relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder and didn't even know it for most of the ride. It was hell. 
In the beginning I was idolized and thought it was love, like a fool, then I was ignored and kept trying to "fix it", then I was abused, but it trickled out slowly. 
I spent so much time trying to help him I neglected myself and wasted my life. Then I went through a trauma with him 3 years ago, that ended in me literally saving his life. That's how I developed PTSD and it made me wonder and re-examine how I was raised. 
I questioned if I had abandonment issues and wasn't even aware. If I ignored the abuse or really couldn't see it because it was a whole new kind of manipulation, and so on. 
What I do know is now I have my life back, and it is taking me a long time to pick up the pieces because I don't experience emotions. It's like... I lost my compass. It's very bizarre. I don't have interests anymore. I don't care anymore.

Though I do know, now, I wasted my life. I feel finished. It certainly doesn't help that I can't talk to people directly. I cannot trust anyone. I certainly don't look like I used to. My hair has gone white. I let it grow out finally because I was so tired of constantly dying it and cannot ignore how differently I am treated. It's like society is silently telling me my time is up and I'm supposed to be ignored now. It's a whole new ugly ballgame in hell. Ageism is a beast.

But as far as my parents go, I help them out, simply out of habit really. My father is now very ill and every day I wait to learn he died. Maybe I'll feel something then? Maybe I'll be sad. Maybe I'll feel free? I don't know because someone else spent nearly 2 decades stomping all over me, which pretty much obliterated me. 
I did learn recently that I have an eating disorder, my entire life. So now I am dealing with that. I didn't even know it. How strange is that?

And sure, if I think about everything I went through, I admit my life was pretty ugly. I never had a really good relationship with my family or romantic partners, no matter how much I tried. Sure, I could have settled a couple of times for others who I had no fondness for, and probably would have lived a hum-drum life and eventually drifted apart, but maybe I would have at least experienced some kindness? I try not to ponder it because all the "what if's" can make you go off the deep end. 
I do know that I genuinely tried to resolve conflict, that I gave people, often, more chances then they deserved, but it wasn't my fault for being abused, ever. It is never anyone's fault.

I learned to walk away and keep myself safe the best I can. And for me, that means sitting inside my little attic room and doing tiny things to pass the time, away from most of the world. Maybe it will change, maybe not. I don't need any one else's love though. Love from others is fleeting, fickle, it comes and goes like a child's whim. I loved myself. I wasn't particularly proud but I understood my abilities. I was confident and I was gentle with myself. I learned those things early on, because someone had to be, and no one else was doing it.

For a short while though, I had some happiness. I believed I was loved, and I loved. At least I had that.

Certainly I would like love again but right now I am just too screwed up. So I care for my children the best I can and am starting to care for myself again, after neglecting me for so long to do for others. I've already walked away from several relationships recently that were of no benefit to me and purely me bending over backwards for others. I don't think I've grown selfish or self-absorbed. I just need time alone to try and heal. And that, just recognizing that, was a big step for me.

I wasn't a doormat, per say, but a really worn out welcome mat. 
I did say no to people, eventually, and that was my own fault because though I did help some people I also let others take advantage of me and didn't realize they were for a long while. Still, I don't blame myself. You don't know someone's intentions.
I saw a homeless man and I stopped and gave him a $5 bill. I was with my ex at the time and he pointed out later the same man was buying a lottery ticket. So what? I gave him the money and then it was his, to do whatever he wanted with. I wasn't going to get angry or sad at his choice, just because his choices were not my own, but I did know I tried to do something helpful, and maybe it did help him, maybe it did bring him happiness, but that was it. I'm not going to do it again and again. 
I used to be the person holding the door open and 30 or more people would flood through and I'd be standing there, magically invisible, unable to get in while they all passed through. I'm not that person anymore. I'll hold the door briefly but then I let go and keep moving. The selfless empathy was easy for me before. Saying "no" because I thought I was being helpful, wasn't. Thankfully, I'm over it.

I am slowly getting there. I hope you heal, too.


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## Gurjot

I hope everyone is making progress, I've been trying to take life head on but I needed to look back at my notes on this site and I'm still glad I made this thread. We suffer through past conditioning, in a way the sins of our parents behavior was programmed into us but now we've seen the virus. Being aware of this creates another challenge which is to change our narcissistic habits.


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## ang

I have narcissistic and controlling parents. Especially my dad. It's worse now with me being married with a year old son. My parents hate my husband, and of course my husband hates them. And my dad always tells me how to raise my son, he doesn't have faith in how my husband and I handle things. But yet with my much older brother, my dad doesn't tell him and his wife how to raise their son. My brother is smart and has achieved a lot, he's logical and strong, and I'm the opposite and have failed a lot, so my brother is looked at as he could do no wrong, and I'm the baby in the family that makes a lot of mistakes. But I feel for all of you!


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## Chelsalina

Both my parents are pretty narcissistic but my dad definitely takes the cake. If he's criticized one bit by my mother he'll tell her to shut up and doesn't accept his mistakes. He said that he doesn't like people many times around me which has influenced me to not like people. My grandmother (mom's side) has told me that my dad has a strange personality and my dad's mother has told my mom to be careful marrying my dad because he has a terrible personality. I honestly don't see how my mom fell in love with my dad, I'm guessing because he went to a super competitive college and my mom had eyes of dollar signs. My dad isn't even confident, funny, or charismatic. He's just a smart and hard working... that's it. And he sure has an ego. 

I don't hate my dad, I just wish he lived somewhere else like far away from us but still have some sort of contact with us, you know like send us money. I don't even sit at the dinner table because he says and asks the stupidest things. All his questions are one worded answers, it's like he can't continue a conversation for the life of him but I guess I'm a hypocrite because I'm the same way. Tells you who I got most of my SA characteristics from. Not to mention he has anger issues and is physically and mentally abusive towards our family but I'm not going to get into that since I already have in a another post. 

My dad has 0 friends. Zero friends growing up, zero friends now. He's such a strange guy, not creepy or anything, he's super sensitive but he's also extremely hardworking and works his *** off at the gym everyday and has large muscles. But he also binge eats and is emotional (as in always having to resort to violence). He spoils and never disciplines me but he yells and beats my brother almost everyday. When he gets mad he repeats the same words over and over again. He also has an aggressive speaking tone of voice when talking to workers, strangers, etc. and they always seem scared. He just has so many weird quirks that any person would think to themselves, "What the ****?" 

You sound like you really despise your mother, do you live with her still? I know for sure I'm going to be moving out once I turn 18 and go to Uni.


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## NuthinSimple

Checking in. 

Sometimes I think my parents had me because my dad doesn't like pets.


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## aquariusrising

My mother has narcissism. It sucks.  I feel so low below her that I'm nothing and everything she says I am


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## coeur_brise

aquariusrising said:


> My mother has narcissism. It sucks.  I feel so low below her that I'm nothing and everything she says I am


No one should have to feel that way at all. We aren't our parents' projections, not one bit. It's the difference between parent and child, the child can be anything but the parent but usually ends up being one of two or both (father and mother). I'm sorry you have to go through that, I only know a little of what is like to have a narcissistic parent, though I would say he's more narcissistic than not. He's cold, not very social, negligent but at the same time, extremely condescending. It sucks to be belittled and to belittle yourself in return because you knew nothing else. Just know that you're not your mom's legacy or whatever her definition of "you" is.


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## Blue Dino

I have a narcissistic mother. Her bullcrap not only never changes, but continues to worsen as she ages. Pretty much I and my siblings only interact with her out of obligations and appearance. Like a boss at work. We are nice to her not because we want to, but because we have to in order to hopefully minimize future turmoil and stress as much as possible. 

Sucks to have a narcissistic parent, and they are surprisingly pretty common. But we are born with them, so nothing we can do but to accept and adapt. Unless you cut off contact with them, which my brother has done for nearly a decade. My sister would often said our family would've been pretty perfect and harmonious even if were for our mother being that one thorn or prick that sticks out of what would be a smooth soft flat surface. Though thinking back, I guess she went a bit overboard in saying that though. Our mother has definitely did so much for our family and cares deeply for us. But my god... she's just such a difficult DIFFICULT emotionally antagonistic person. I think it's safe to say, she is pretty much the source of majority of my stress and still is despite living a few hundred miles away.


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## aquariusrising

blahblahdeeblah said:


> Is that a Narcissist? Someone who does so much and cares so deeply? The Narcissists do not have empathy and can not love anyone. They have to have a scapegoat so they choose one child to be the scapegoat. Is your Mother really a Narc and chose one of you to be the scapegoated child?


My mother actually is like this...she is actually reallllllly good at cooking, cleaning,and being a housewife. As for caring she is pretty caring to varying degrees depending on her mood. She is able to love a man and her other family that all died she truly does love them she cries over them. She is unable to have unconditional love for me as her daughter. She is unable to show me love, warmth or understanding. She blames it on her upbringing. I'm not totally convinced on this because before BEFORE she met her wicked husband she was more warm and compassionate. My mother is very bitter and hateful but she is also caring to others, hates animal abuse, abuse of any kind but can't show that to me. My stepfather is an evil man that tried to wreck our relationship. Told her I don't love her several times and who knows what else. He has never had any love in his body and has emotionally and psychologically abused us both (my mother doesn't care about what he did to me rolls her eyes) My mother doesn't love me. I can't talk to her about anything she switches it to be about her instantly. I've seen her love for him, it's true and she has cried. It's unconditional he can get away with anything, if I mess up she "punishes" me. He is forgiven, I'm not I have to go to her to satisfy her narcissistic cravings for constant approval. I have to constantly say thank you or repeat stuff to her for her sick praise. She feeds off my sadness and seems to enjoy it. She is honestly NEVER there for me emotionally, she rolls her eyes and abuses me if I cry. She is sick. She can never settle on anything she changes her mind every day.


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## aquariusrising

I counted 4 times she made an attack on me yesterday. 

1: my mental health. 
2: seeing my private parts in the bath. It was my fault apparently. She is always disgusted. She made me feel disgusted for being a woman. Her defence was when I say stuff about seeing her haemorrid sticking out if her when she bends over. I see it a lot. I shouldn't say anything when I see it and make fun of it I admit. She then started blaming ME that I caused it for being a heavy baby. I said it isn't my fault she made me. She did her sadisric smirk that narcs love when they get a reaction and she got it. She said "well my mother made me" etc. sorry this is T.M.I
3: seeing photos of myself on my phone she went "ew" or something like that and was very amused. I said "well don't you do it too" in defence. She said "not like THAT!!!". She walked away scoffing to get me to hear "that girl has FIRE in her" 
4. Our relationship is not "mother daughter" but "friends" apparently. It used to be, can't say now. Not even a true friend would treat someone like this. 

The worst part is she is always saying "how evil and nasty I am to her" and then she pulls this childlike fake cry without tears. It's so sick to see I can't even explain it. How I shouldn't treat her like this, I should honour her and "what does the bible say. To honour your parents" she is always right can never be wrong. 
The other day she said how I'm "always right" and that is exactly what she is. In fact what she says is about her. I said she is like that. She said "ZIP! Button it!! Shut up! I'm the mother" and some other junk to bow down to her on her throne. She loves calling me names, putting me down but thinks that treatment is acceptable. Her only excuse is. I'm the mother' 
She says "why are you like thus?" (Social phobia) "be normal" and just other nonsense I wish I could record her rubbish. She has sheltered me all my life I never knew how to be normal. I have tried fighting her name calling, but she calls it disrespectful. 
She constantly seems to want me the way she wants me and to psychologically and emotionally mess with me. I can't go out, I must go out, she hates my stepfather, she loves my stepfather, she is supportive, she is unsupportive. Constant mixed messages. 
The worst part is she has smear campaigned me to church members in the past, counsellors..everybody her OWN story. No one has ever believed me.
I'm not a perfect child I just wish she would stop this manipulation. She has never truly believed in me. If she has ever said anything "nice" it changes the next day.


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## Pongowaffle

Yep. My mom is one too. Considering she went as far as to ditch my dog on the streets, or intentionally kill my niece's goldfishes to prove a point. Her narcissistic behavior started around when i was in middle school. I have no idea what triggered it. I kept thinking once we are adults, it will dissipate with less stress and age with her. But it went the opposite. She got worst and worst and more frustrated, mainly from us all trying to avoid her like wildfire. This is ironic since her narcissism is what made us avoid her in the first place, and that itself is further worsening her narcissism. Too bad she's a family member. So we are stuck with her. So what can you do eh? :stu


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## Pongowaffle

blahblahdeeblah said:


> Is that a Narcissist? Someone who does so much and cares so deeply? The Narcissists do not have empathy and can not love anyone. They have to have a scapegoat so they choose one child to be the scapegoat. Is your Mother really a Narc and chose one of you to be the scapegoated child?


Narcissists channel their narcissism in different ways. It's not surprisingly that some would channel it through doing good things for others. And then probably obsessively holding guilt above others for what good they have done. My mom is like that. She goes out of her way endlessly to do all kinds of small gestures that in reality matters little just to throw it in our face constantly. They are nice and caring gestures with well meaning. But at the end, it was obvious her other main objective was simply to brag and hold it above our heads. When we show disdain from her for doing this, she further puts in more effort to do good things for us but guilts us even harder to demand appreciation from us. We show her even more disgust for that. So this becomes just an endless cycle increasing in severity lol. There is also selective narcissism which my mom is. She chooses who to channel her narcissism towards. Certain people she does. But others that she admires or idolizes, she does not. When I see this, it makes it even harder for me endure her narcissism knowing she can easily turn it off and treat us pleasantly like she treats those other people she admires. So this really brings your point of Scapegoating and narcissists having their Scapegoats into mind.

A lot of things I notice from most narcissistic victims are that they do not get assurance of love from their narcissistic perps. My mom is the other way around. She wants constantly assurance of love from us and she would not hold back in saying it to us. When we do show this, she is totally convinced that we are faking it. That itself is a narcissistic trait that she wants constant assurance from others that she is special and important. So all I could say is that narcissism is wide and varied. It is a very complex thing.


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## Blue Dino

blahblahdeeblah said:


> Is that a Narcissist? Someone who does so much and cares so deeply? The Narcissists do not have empathy and can not love anyone. They have to have a scapegoat so they choose one child to be the scapegoat. Is your Mother really a Narc and chose one of you to be the scapegoated child?


I think there really isn't a single solid definition for a narcissist. I think some narcissist do show love and empathy, but they do this to expect even greater love and appreciation in return. As a way to feel loved, self assurance that they are important and superior < something narcissists are typically obsessed with. This is at least my mother's case.

Yeah, scapegoating is a big thing with my mother too. Pretty much she uses her children as scapegoats, people she unleashes her narcissistic personality to, and others outside the family she is nice to. Thus she is this narcissists that is well liked by everyone else, but despised by her kids. She sure is a unique case of narcissism.

Your mother actually sounds like a psychopath with how she kills your pets.



Pogowiff said:


> Narcissists channel their narcissism in different ways. It's not surprisingly that some would channel it through doing good things for others. And then probably obsessively holding guilt above others for what good they have done. My mom is like that. She goes out of her way endlessly to do all kinds of small gestures that in reality matters little just to throw it in our face constantly. They are nice and caring gestures with well meaning. But at the end, it was obvious her other main objective was simply to brag and hold it above our heads. When we show disdain from her for doing this, she further puts in more effort to do good things for us but guilts us even harder to demand appreciation from us. We show her even more disgust for that. So this becomes just an endless cycle increasing in severity lol. There is also selective narcissism which my mom is. She chooses who to channel her narcissism towards. Certain people she does. But others that she admires or idolizes, she does not. When I see this, it makes it even harder for me endure her narcissism knowing she can easily turn it off and treat us pleasantly like she treats those other people she admires. So this really brings your point of Scapegoating and narcissists having their Scapegoats into mind.
> 
> A lot of things I notice from most narcissistic victims are that they do not get assurance of love from their narcissistic perps. My mom is the other way around. She wants constantly assurance of love from us and she would not hold back in saying it to us. When we do show this, she is totally convinced that we are faking it. That itself is a narcissistic trait that she wants constant assurance from others that she is special and important. So all I could say is that narcissism is wide and varied. It is a very complex thing.


Wow.. you pretty much describe my mom exactly too. Selective narcissism is what mine does too. Really thought she was just the unique one with this.


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## Pongowaffle

Blue Dino said:


> Wow.. you pretty much describe my mom exactly too. Selective narcissism is what mine does too. Really thought she was just the unique one with this.


I think this is a bit common with narcissists. They usually designate certain individuals to look up to to model themselves after.


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## aquariusrising

My mother is a narcissist. I have felt so worthless, crazy, unimportant and confused. I have never cried so much in my life regarding her.. not too long ago I went to the shower (far away from her) and cried and banged the ways in a hysterical fit because of how she is to me. I live with her and have no idea how to escape. She ignores me and treats me like I’m such a worthlsss bit of space. I have no support or help.


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## anton671

My wife and I live with her 86 year old Aunt who she was legally adopted by when she was an adolescent. She and my wife decided to buy a home together in our area. They decided to have her aunt move into town with us. I knew before she moved in that she was arrogant and boastful, but when she moved in with us is when I realized she displayed maybe 90% of the attributes described in the above for narcissists. 
I am at my wits end with dealing with her, I try to avoid or ignore her sarcastic criticisms of my wife, but that is difficult because I want so much to defend my wife. I learned right a way that it is futile to reason her her aunt. She will argue for arguments sake. No matter what the argument is about, her opinion and her stance is the only viable and correct stance, everyone else is wrong and "stupid". 
I have never experienced anything like her with my family in the 49 years I have been alive, I was raised to treat everyone with care, compassion and love. Treat everyone as you would like to be treated. I do understand that she will not change and that she will only get worse. Unfortunately since she and my wife decided to purchase this home( I was not told until towards the end of the purchase of the home that they would be repurchasing the home), we are stuck here financially and legally connected to it. 

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## May21

Hi all,

It's great to feel that I am not alone in my experiences. I feel like I have such a wound from my childhood and I find it so hard to talk about. Only recently did the penny drop that my mother is a narcissist. There is strange comfort in learning the terminology, such as my sister the golden child. Myself being the scapegoat and her using triangulation to turn us against eachother whenever she could. It was easier during my childhood to put up with the abuse, physical, emotional etc. She lied to everyone outside the house each day with her cheery smiles and chatty, bubbly nature. So there was some comfort in wanting that version of my mother to be real. But only myself and my siblings know the truth. That she is the devil and she enjoyed every moment of torturing us and tearing our self esteem to pieces. I wouldn't know where to begin in listing the most relevant experiences but some of the memories that I relive the most would have to be her accusing me of fancying her boyfriends when I was a child. It first started when I was about 10. I was constantly trying to check myself what was I doing wrong that was giving these men and my mother the wrong idea. I was trying to treat them like a replacement father. On the night before my 16th birthday, she kept saying 'dont you dare' and giving me an evil stare. She kept repeating it and I had to realise that it was what she was not saying that I had to figure out, which was don't you dare sleep with my boyfriend. I was horrified, scared and felt completely to blame for the accusation. But I also felt really scared because I knew if this current boyfriend did anything that I would have no one to turn to that would help me. I felt very alone and ashamed of my body and all the changes I went through during puberty. It probably sounds like a crazy story but I have never got over it. She has never apologised. Some of these men were the father of my siblings too so I find it so sick. It wasn't my fault that we don't share the same biological dad. I moved out at 17. I have been on and off in contact for years. I feel just recently that it might be the healthiest thing to not be in touch. My sister and I shared some things with eachother. It was very upsetting to hear what she had been through and vice versa. It's strange how we all loved under the same roof but have different memories and experiences. Sorry for such a long message. I started writing and it all poured out. I wonder does anyone have a similar experience at all?


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