# Quiet guy at work



## veron

So a few months ago this new guy came to work, and he sits next to me. And he's extremely quiet. After 3 decades of living, I think I finally understand how other people must have perceived me :lol I tried to talk to him a few times, but all I ever got was one word answers. The guy is basically a selective mute. He doesn't speak unless directly spoken to, and even then, it's one word answers. Other people are obviously a bit annoyed with his quietness; heck, even _I_ find it kind of annoying at times. No matter what people in the office are talking about, even when we're looking at funny pictures or videos, getting any sort of reaction out of him is impossible.

He doesn't seem socially isolated, though. He was referred to our company by a friend who works here, so he must have at least one friend. And he's constantly looking at his phone. When our boss comes over and talks to him, he will check out his phone even then, while the boss is talking to him... overall a rather peculiar individual.

EDIT: Mods, can someone please move this to the regular Work forum? I didn't realize this was the Frustration one. Thanks!!!


----------



## Replicante

I thought you were talking about me. just like me.


----------



## Sintuliite

Maybe he hates small talk? Or just talk when there's no use.
I hate it and sometimes do the same thing aka answer only when I have no choice. Not everyone likes to babble all the time.


----------



## JohnDoe26

I swear, if I ever start working, I feel like I'm going to be exactly like this guy. Hope you didn't take his quietness personally. For me, it's mainly because I feel like I can't connect with people, and there are just certain aspects of my life that I don't want to come up in casual conversations (like my homosexuality, my virginity, my lack of relationships, my religion), so I'd probably take that stand-offish attitude as well.

Of course, I don't know what _his_ reasons are. But it's safe to say he wants to keep his work life and personal life entirely separate, and I hope people in your office can respect that.


----------



## veron

beja said:


> I'm worse than that guy. I used to come in at 5 am, go home at 5 pm, never say a single word, to anyone, not even a boss, not even single hi. I would not use restroom, or got get coffee or anything.


Hmm, do you not get the call of nature? Don't get thirsty or anything? 

Yeah, I'm assuming the quiet guy at my work is anxious (rather than stuck up). He doesn't look anxious or nervous though. I've never seen him blush or shake or anything, even when he has to talk in meetings. He mostly looks very, very bored.

As for you, have you ever considered therapy or self-help? How old are you, by the way?


----------



## Skygrinder

I also don't speak unless spoken to and also give short answers in person. I don't really look at my phone, though. Mainly because it broke and I currently don't have one, but even when I did I barely touched it. 

Edit:
I guess I should say, this is really more when I'm with a bigger group of people. When it's one on one, I would be pretty quiet at the beginning too, but after I get more comfortable with that person I can even get to a point where I'm very loud. Depends on the person, really. 

I usually can't get comfortable with guys that are very tall and muscular. I also can't get comfortable with girls that are tall and have a very adult looking face (If that makes sense). These types of people are too intimidating for me and I can't open up. At best, I can reach a point where I don't seem like a total weirdo to them. (Maybe?)


----------



## Ai

veron said:


> Yeah, I'm assuming the quiet guy at my work is anxious (rather than stuck up). He doesn't look anxious or nervous though. I've never seen him blush or shake or anything, even when he has to talk in meetings. He mostly looks very, very bored.


Not everyone does. A coworker of mine told me that she'd have never guessed I was anxious if I hadn't admitted it to her. But I am in a near-constant inward panic.


----------



## i suck at life

yea its hard to tell if theyre just anxious but WANT you to try and include them, or if they just want to be left alone. one may never know. i would say leave him alone. let him be a loner i guess.


----------



## Kevin001

Might just be antisocial.


----------



## discoveryother

yeah sounds like me. fml


----------



## rabidfoxes

I can just second what @i suck at life said. It's hard to know what to do. In the past I probably would have just left this person alone but now I'd probably gently pester him from time to time 

I work with someone who's a bit that way. She's not unfriendly, but I do feel like she's got no interest in talking when I ask or say something. She'll sit by herself a lot of the time and won't change seats if invited to sit together with other people (or maybe it depends on the people). I don't know what to do so I don't engage her in lengthy conversations, but I do make passing remarks to her the way I would to someone who was more social. I just pretend she is being responsive but don't throw anything too challenging her way. I hope that's the right thing to do, but I am not sure. Maybe I'm just being really irritating.

Of course, in the past lack of response would have made me anxious, I would have felt rejected and would have never tried to interact again. Guess things have improved.


----------



## thinkstoomuch103

Maybe he just doesn't like interacting with people.

What i've learned to do is give them their space, and leave them alone. Sad to say, people in general, will get pissed if you don't 'play that game'..

Leaving them alone, is a sign of respect, and there have been many a times on the job, when people like him will fool you.

The quiet ones, like this guy is scoping.. He's probably trying to find out whom he can trust, and who will throw his as** under the bus. 

Apparently, the supervisor sounds like a "throw people under the bus" type, and this guy probably figured him out?


----------



## Skygrinder

rabidfoxes said:


> I can just second what @i suck at life said. It's hard to know what to do. In the past I probably would have just left this person alone but now I'd probably gently pester him from time to time
> 
> I work with someone who's a bit that way. She's not unfriendly, but I do feel like she's got no interest in talking when I ask or say something. She'll sit by herself a lot of the time and won't change seats if invited to sit together with other people (or maybe it depends on the people). I don't know what to do so I don't engage her in lengthy conversations, but I do make passing remarks to her the way I would to someone who was more social. I just pretend she is being responsive but don't throw anything too challenging her way. I hope that's the right thing to do, but I am not sure. Maybe I'm just being really irritating.
> 
> Of course, in the past lack of response would have made me anxious, I would have felt rejected and would have never tried to interact again. Guess things have improved.


Oh, that's sweet.

If that person is anything like me, I'm sure she appreciates it. I hate when people ask me something that forces me to talk a lot (even though I do want to improve and be able to do that without anxiety).

I think I would appreciate it if people asked me light things occasionally and let me improve slowly. Like if I was on a break in the work environment, eating something, maybe a sandwich and they asked me how it was or what I put in it. I mean those questions would maybe sound strange to regular people, but I think I would appreciate stuff like that and it would maybe even get me comfortable enough for a longer conversation.


----------



## Cool Ice Dude55

Woah, are we on a social anxiety forum or what?

I can imagine people think exactly like they do of me to the guy you're referring too. Honestly, i hate engaging in chit chat at work. It's not what i'm there for, and i have too much work to be getting on with. When i hear people chit chatting for 3+mins i think "what do they pay you for?". I don't reveal anything about myself at work because i dont want them to use it against me. 

Just leave the guy the hell alone and let him be, it's obvious he wants to be left tht way. There's nothing wrong with it.


----------



## rabidfoxes

Thanks @Skygrinder, I kind of hope that the non-responsive response is a, er, positive response 

I don't think those basic questions are strange to people, or perhaps it's just the culture in the UK? There is constant talk along the lines of 'ohh that looks nice' and 'what are you having today?' and 'been a bit cold lately' and so on. I used to sneer at this kind of small talk, but then realised that it has a very important social function. Like you say, on one level it gets people comfortable for further conversation.


----------



## Skygrinder

rabidfoxes said:


> Thanks @Skygrinder, I kind of hope that the non-responsive response is a, er, positive response
> 
> I don't think those basic questions are strange to people, or perhaps it's just the culture in the UK? There is constant talk along the lines of 'ohh that looks nice' and 'what are you having today?' and 'been a bit cold lately' and so on. I used to sneer at this kind of small talk, but then realised that it has a very important social function. Like you say, on one level it gets people comfortable for further conversation.


Oh, well...I guess they actually might be normal questions and it's just me because I'm not comfortable saying anything, especially asking basic questions. I only open my mouth when I'm asked something directly or I simply have to ask something important that I can't avoid asking.


----------



## LonelyLurker

I think it goes both ways, it's fine if someone isn't willing/able to play the expected role in socialising (for whatever reason, anxiety being one of them) but they shouldn't be surprised (or angry with others) if/when they end up alienated, that's just how it works.

Just as many here wish others would appreciate that dealing with anxiety is difficult maybe we should return the favour and recognise that having to make all of the effort (effort that they can recognise, might not be fair but that's life) isn't enjoyable either which is why many won't "give us a chance" (starting the conversation "is" them giving us a chance BTW).

I personally helped a few people come out of their shell when I was still working (once I'd finally come out of mine) as I can usually spot people who are anxious for obvious reasons. For a while, it's kind of exhausting but I try to help if I think I can, usually, they eventually did open up a little more and become a closer part of the team. However, if they had responded like I was getting on their nerves I'd just accept that they'd made their choice and leave them to experience the consequences of that choice. If they change I might try again later.

You have to meet people halfway if you want them to bother with you. If you don't mind, then you don't have to make the effort.


----------



## rabidfoxes

J Haskel said:


> I come to work to work


Why?


----------



## rabidfoxes

J Haskel said:


> despite me telling her that we come to work to build our organization and boost profitability.


Why would you want to build your organisation and whom would you be boosting profitability for?


----------



## MagnoliaForest

Sigh.. I'm not that quiet because I force myself to interact with people, but holey do I sense coworkers dislike me when I don't talk as much as them.

It's really hard for me to randomly talk about anything especially when I'm a private person and I don't know someone well. However, I don't check my phone when I'm being respectful. I do check my phone when I'm left by my friends and I'm trying to look occupied. Ahaha!

There's no use trying to figure him out. I tried figuring out a coworker who's just like the one you described and I ended up developing a crush on him because I paid him so much attention.


----------



## veron

Don't worry folks, I'm not pestering the guy... he's fine, lol. I think there's only about 2-3 times that somebody made a comment regarding his quietness, and he's been with us for months.



LonelyLurker said:


> I personally helped a few people come out of their shell when I was still working (once I'd finally come out of mine) as I can usually spot people who are anxious for obvious reasons.


:nw



beja said:


> Hehe, no I actually have to force myself to drink water, I could easily go entire day without water, or without using restroom
> Few years back I would drink 1 glass of milk and eat 2 candy bars like once a day, or once in 2 days and that's it, nothing else.


Oh wow. I wish I had a bladder like yours 

24 is still very young, and I think you can still change, if you put in the effort (hell, I think it's not late at _any _age to try to change). I used to be selectively mute in school, and when I compare that environment to my work one now, I'm so glad that I'm not in the same situation again. It feels good to be able to make a comment out loud, to share a laugh with someone every now and then. I rarely talk about my personal life. Small talk is usually about the work we're doing, weather, food, current events, whatever's currently going on in the company.



MagnoliaForest said:


> There's no use trying to figure him out. I tried figuring out a coworker who's just like the one you described and I ended up developing a crush on him because I paid him so much attention.


That's definitely not gonna happen here  I just thought he was weird because he didn't seem anxious, and yet he never said anything. When I ask him how he's doing, he just replies "fine." Never says "fine, how about you?" In our months of sitting together side by side, he never once said anything to me, and when I asked him questions, he never asked anything back. I'm not trying to figure him out anymore. I stopped trying to communicate with him. Now it's like I'm sitting next to a plant, one made of human flesh


----------



## MagnoliaForest

I can understand how that must feel so awkward. Yes, more power to you for not speaking to him.


----------



## msanangelo

I tend to be selectively social. I like to quietly observe for a few weeks to learn and associate names to faces and their personalities to see who I can trust. I'm not an avid talker until I get on a favorite topic.


----------



## komorikun

How is he able to get his job done with only one word answers? If he is new at work, doesn't he need to ask many questions to learn how the company does things? 

During my first 3 months at my current job, I was asking questions like probably at least once an hour.


----------



## veron

komorikun said:


> How is he able to get his job done with only one word answers? If he is new at work, doesn't he need to ask many questions to learn how the company does things?
> 
> During my first 3 months at my current job, I was asking questions like probably at least once an hour.


He has a "mentor" that comes over to him every few hours (that's the guy that he checks his phone with while talking to him). The mentor spends 10 - 30 minutes with him, during which he asks him any questions he has. Outside of that time, he doesn't ask anybody anything.


----------



## msanangelo

veron said:


> He has a "mentor" that comes over to him every few hours (that's the guy that he checks his phone with while talking to him). The mentor spends 10 - 30 minutes with him, during which he asks him any questions he has. Outside of that time, he doesn't ask anybody anything.


Sounds like a odd fellow to me. Makes me wonder if he has some sort of mental disability preventing him from speaking properly or holding a conversation so that's his work around. Not quite social anxiety but perhaps aspergers or a damaged larynx.

I'll admit, I'd probably be a bit standoffish until I found a way to get some sort of answers out of him. Likely via text but still. I'm not a big talker but I will if I have something to say.


----------



## Cool Ice Dude55

stop judging him seriously just cuz he doesnt want to talk to your *****. i'm not surprised


----------



## LonelyLurker

msanangelo said:


> Sounds like a odd fellow to me. Makes me wonder if he has some sort of mental disability preventing him from speaking properly or holding a conversation so that's his work around. Not quite social anxiety but perhaps aspergers *or a damaged larynx*.


You're very charitable. :smile2:



Cool Ice Dude55 said:


> stop judging him seriously just cuz he doesnt want to talk to your *****. i'm not surprised


I don't quite understand the hostility here, what about this has touched a nerve (it's not like she launched a bullying campaign against him)?

Genuine question, trying to understand. Especially as while you're telling her not to judge you seem to be judging quite harshly yourself.


----------



## msanangelo

LonelyLurker said:


> You're very charitable. :smile2:


Probably because I understand where he's coming from.


----------



## labelme

Yeah.. do him a favor and leave him the **** alone maybe?


----------



## LonelyLurker

msanangelo said:


> Probably because I understand where he's coming from.


Maybe, it's also possible he's just an a***h***. 

Most people would consider his behaviour rude and anti-social. There could be reasons that explain his behaviour but it's up to the person to recognise how their behaviour is recognised and amend it/communicate the issue (if they care about being misrepresented that is). It might not be fair, but that's life. Expecting everyone to accommodate you (not you personally) while not thinking that you have to accommodate them in any way is unlikely to work out well for you (especially when you recognise they aren't the one experiencing the problem).

You even have people telling the OP to leave him alone (also quite rudely might I add) even though she's been quite clear that she *is* leaving him alone.

It's strange.

For what it's worth, based on these posts you don't come across as someone that would appear rude to me, just being quiet or taking a while to open up is different.


----------



## veron

LonelyLurker said:


> You even have people telling the OP to leave him alone (also quite rudely might I add) even though she's been quite clear that she *is* leaving him alone.
> 
> It's strange.


I found it strange too, especially since I said I don't even talk to the guy anymore, lol. Obviously, I'm not out there bullying him or harming him in any way. So I don't understand why someone would have the need to defend him or have a little jab at insulting me.

Maybe they're Social Justice Warriors?


----------



## Misunderstood75

I'm very quiet and even a co worker asked why I don't speak much

But everyone loves me (Mainly because I'm not a standoffish person and I smile uncontrollably because of anxiety)


----------



## LonelyLurker

veron said:


> I found it strange too, especially since I said I don't even talk to the guy anymore, lol. Obviously, I'm not out there bullying him or harming him in any way. So I don't understand why someone would have the need to defend him or have a little jab at insulting me.
> 
> Maybe they're Social Justice Warriors?


Maybe, they like to project too.

I was wondering if you'd been making enemies in threads I hadn't seen or something. 



Misunderstood75 said:


> I'm very quiet and even a co worker asked why I don't speak much
> 
> But everyone loves me (Mainly because I'm not a standoffish person and I smile uncontrollably because of anxiety)


Like this. :smile2:










Do you find it a bit easier to open up after a while?


----------



## LonelyLurker

shuckey said:


> The OP is leaving him alone I guess, even though she is posting paragraphs about him and how weird and quiet he is on a social anxiety forum and objecting to anyone who is actually using the non-shallow, non-superficial, non-judgemental parts of their brain. I guess she is still really offended by it for supposedly leaving him alone all the time?


OK, I guess I could see your interpretation but I wonder if it's only the case because you (?) feel his behaviour represents yours. I guess the question is this, would you be explaining away his behaviour if it wasn't something you felt reflected upon you?

We could easily think of excuses for every behaviour, he *might *have a reason for his behaviour, he *might *just be rude, rude people exist. The people you view as only using their shallow, superficial and judgemental parts of their brains could be excused too. Maybe they are also socially anxious and just desperate to fit in themselves. Maybe they struggle with empathy due to no fault of their own. Maybe they're just bullies, bullies exist (though saying this is bullying would be quite the stretch).

Do you feel a need to explain away their behaviour too?

Surely you aren't suggesting that there are certain behaviours that should be immune from judgement?



shuckey said:


> If anything it's even more damn annoying when people form cliques in the work place. You're there to do a job. Not to socialize or make friends, not to gossip or spread rumors, not to make negative judgements on your coworkers. It's like when you go to the gym and see people hogging the equipment and taking 20 minute breaks between sets just to socialize with their buddies, completely ignorant to the fact that some people are just there to work out and go home. His quietness doesn't affect anyone's ability to get their work done so I don't really get why people always have to make this **** their own personal business.


That's the thing, them socialising doesn't affect his ability to be quiet either, why should everyone else change to suit him? *You* might not be there to socialise but we are a social species (generally speaking) so people will be there to socialise and form at least working friendships because building relationships actually improves your ability to get work done. There are times you might need people to go out of their way to help you, they're far more likely to do that if they like you.

I guess the differentiation is whether they stop others from doing what they want or simply leave them to be isolated. As long as the group at the gym lets you work in it's not that big an issue (though it could of course raise your anxiety).



shuckey said:


> I don't talk around much of my family because I have nothing in common with them. Even when I do talk, they all pretend like they don't hear me and like I'm speaking a different language anyway, so there's no point in exerting the energy. They all formed the impression that I'm a deranged quiet weirdo a long time ago and at this point there is little I can do to reverse that. And yeah, I know they probably make all these assumptions about me, the same erroneous assumptions that half the people in this thread are making. I don't really care that much anymore. The fact is most of my extended family members don't know a damn thing about me and they are way too shallow and self-absorbed to care, so why should I care about them? People who judge me solely at face value aren't worth my time. I've even dealt with all of them collectively walking right out of the room when I'm in the middle of saying something, even though I am always forced to listen to their stories. Whenever one of them says something, it's all eyes on them. Whenever I say something, it's stare at the phone time, form side conversations time, or walk out of the room time. So what do I do? I don't talk anymore. And yes, I get excluded and outcasted. I get treated like I am deranged and psychopathic. I probably have forum posts about how weird and antisocial I am on different parts of the internet. Fact is, my efforts at socializing and trying to fit in were simply a waste of energy. It was a lose-lose situation. They can all play their fun little board games together and not invite me, I'll be just fine. After socializing with them my entire life, I've realized it's guaranteed I'll have a worse time trying to fit in with them. I'm an entirely different person around people who actually accept me for who I am, and that is where it counts.


I'm sorry to hear that, I would say that people leaving in the middle of you talking is rude too, just like looking at your phone when someone is talking to you.

This is the thing, if you are trying to open up and people can't even show you the respect to hear you out I don't excuse such behaviour. However, if you never talk to people, how can they judge you on anything more than face value? That's all you're showing them.

There might be people who you dislike that you could actually get on with if you (both) actually got to know each other. However, I can't expect you to assume that if they haven't shown you whatever hidden depths there may be.

I'll use a personal example just in case people think I've never been in this position myself. When I was still in school a girl just came out and asked me to my face why I think I'm too good to talk to everyone. That wasn't the case of course, I was scared and felt that I didn't have anything else to say. Now, I could have started saying that it's unfair that people misrepresent me and that people are stupid and why can't they give me a chance etc. Instead, I thought "Oh, the way I'm acting makes me look arrogant, I need to try and change that".

It wasn't easy and it took a long time (due to anxiety/depression) but I did change those things, so if I do something like that now, I'm well aware and I probably just don't care. However, I wouldn't complain about the poor response, I'd expect it.

You have to accept reality for what it is if you hope to navigate it. It's cliche but it's also true...life's not fair (regardless of how much you complain about the unfairness).

I hope you've found people who do accept you, if not, I hope you find them in time.

Take care.


----------



## Wenz

tbh he sounds absolutely uninterested in getting to kno y'all. like u said, he sounds bored on the job n like he doesn't give a **** n just wants to work.
which there's nothing wrong with that.
i wouldn't say he has anxiety at all based on that.
i have social anxiety and when ppl talk to me, i feel happy n try my best to respond back to them n keep the conversation going.
he really just sounds completely uninterested. maybe he feels like he wouldn't get along with y'all anyway so that's why.


----------



## veron

shuckey said:


> If anything it's even more damn annoying when people form cliques in the work place. You're there to do a job. Not to socialize or make friends, not to gossip or spread rumors, not to make negative judgements on your coworkers.


I used to have this attitude - "I'm not here to make friends" - but I realized it's absolutely wrong. I might have feared that if I made friends and revealed personal information to them, they might use it against me. Well, that never happened. And I never witnessed anybody getting in trouble at work because some tidbit about their personal life leaked out. When you come to think of it, we spend basically half of our lives at work (excluding sleep, weekends and holidays). If you spend all that time being silent, you're in for a very long and lonely road. Work is simply more pleasant when you're on friendly terms with people.


----------



## webs

You are lucky that you have such a guy at work.. at my workplace it is ONLY outgoing persons.. so it's difficult being the only introvert


----------

