# Are dating websites hopeless or am I?



## Felren (May 9, 2010)

I've exhausted the pool of women on multiple dating websites. Most of the women I haven't been interested in nearby haven't replied, only couple out of maybe a dozen. Even then I've gotten delayed responses, or short meaningless ones.

I don't know if I'm being too picky or not. So many thing in these profiles turn me off instantly between all caps, drama inducing women, overly extroverted women. That's before I get through my religious filter, and kid-filter (just not ready for that even though I'm 24).

This honestly reminds me of the last six months of trying to find a job. Writing people to make myself sound desirable without overextending my bounds. Mostly getting no responses after shelling out so much effort. Trying to keep at it without over trying. Getting responses for under-qualified positions I didn't apply for in the first place. It's emotionally and psychologically exhausting being the one expected to get everything started.


I get the feeling it might just be me, because my sister found her fiance at a dating website as well as my mother found her new husband at one as well. Then again they are both women and I feel like they have the distinct advantage here.

I'd like to just not rely on dating websites at this point, but I don't see it happening soon. I'm done with school, and I moved 400 miles away and now am starting over with my social life. My hobbies aren't exactly hobbies where you meet people either.

Looking over the same dating websites now just depresses me, because I see nothing but the same local people I've already tried for or I'm not interested in. I could try new websites, but all that's left really are the pay before they even let you look.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Can you paste your profile here so we can look it over? I know that's not the whole story but it would be a start


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## Gryffindor85 (Nov 7, 2011)

Dating websites are the 9th Circle of Hell. Even if you manage to meet someone they sometimes look nothing like their pictures.


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## alternate (May 2, 2012)

Better luck in real life than on a dating site - that from my experiences anyway.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Are you using POF? 90% of the people on there are as dumb as door knobs and have nearly empty profiles.


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## xemption (Apr 20, 2012)

I know what you mean....Just about everything you wrote up there describes my situation to a T....same thing with the job thing as well. These websites seem like a good way to go at first because your thinking you can "filter out" the undesirables and approach someone who has similar interests and it seems to be much easier than approaching someone in real life who may or may not be interested, has a boyfriend, is possibly stuck up etc.. But the reality of the situation is that when you get down to geographical location, your preferences, her preferences and given the fact many women these days are having kids earlier and other factors it makes this very difficult and soon this idea plenty of fish in the sea isn't so plentiful online. I agree its actually better to meet people in the real world...Just make sure you are happy with you before attempting to do so and the right one will eventually come when you least expect it even though I know it's hard feeling alone right here right now. Good luck


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

The worst is when the girls actually reply to you and they chat. But they barely say anything or contribute to the conversation and make the guy do "all the work". If you want me to have a reason to want anything more than sex with you, you have to talk. I have to enjoy talking with you. If you're just not into me and you still reply and what not, just say so.

This one girl on a hookup site replied to me but barely talked. I was so frustrated with her trying to start conversation with her (over instant messaging), making reference to stuff on her profile and asking her questions and barely getting a response from her. So I basically just spelt out what I genuinely thought/wanted (I think you're attractive and I want to have sex with you. Not necessarily in those words but yes that was the gist of it) and left my cards on the table. She didn't get back to me. But what the hell? How do you expect me to be "into you" for real if you don't talk? If you're not attracted to me to begin with, don't reply at all. Or do I need say the right things to get you to freakin talk? Ugh. It's BS. A waste of my time.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Dating sites are stacked against men. You'd have better luck asking out girls in real life.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

You made the mistake of being male. Try again on the dating website, this time with a female profile. You will get dozens of emails per day.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

arnie said:


> You made the mistake of being male.


Unless he passes himself off as a lesbian, I doubt this would work, because I doubt that he wants to be approached by gay males or men who are straight but wanting women.

And even if he did pass himself off as a lesbian, as soon as he's found out to be a male, I'm pretty sure they would run for the hills!


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

WintersTale said:


> Unless he passes himself off as a lesbian, I doubt this would work, because I doubt that he wants to be approached by gay males or men who are straight but wanting women.
> 
> And even if he did pass himself off as a lesbian, as soon as he's found out to be a male, I'm pretty sure they would run for the hills!


wooosh :roll


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

arnie said:


> wooosh :roll


I assumed you were serious.

Of course, assuming you were joking, joking about something as frustrating as online dating is just going to peeve off the OP.

Everyone knows that women get all the attention on online dating sites. Especially average to attractive women. Average men and ugly men, on the other hand, get none. You have to look like an underwear model to get attention on an online dating site, if you're a guy.


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## strugglingforhope (Jun 13, 2009)

I think online dating still has a very negative connotation with it as people being on there must be of less value if they're 'resorting' to online dating. Because of the stigma traditionally attractive people will avoid it (if they can). People that would be desired to be in a relationship are either taken very quickly or simply not that interested in a relationship and are playing the field or fishing compliments. Unfortunately lots of women are scared of it off the basis that their well being may be in jeopardy meeting a stranger.

The concept of online dating is a really good one, because it allows people to approach on things other than just looks and also requires less emotional turmoil to show interest in a person. How it's put into practice makes it not as realistic as one would hope to find a good person off it. It is also heavily stacked against males as far as numbers are concerned making it harder for a guy to get anything at the same time more likely for a girl to find a guy they like but doesn't really like them.

At the same time a poor method to meet people might beat no method to meet people.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

komorikun said:


> Are you using POF? 90% of the people on there are as dumb as door knobs and have nearly empty profiles.


For real. I took a look around that site and all I could think was "OH GOD I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. And that's okay, I guess."


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

My last resort, online dating, failed me. Forever alone.


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## MyJoy (Dec 9, 2011)

Haha. Online dating can be bad for chicks too. You may write someone and not get a response.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Are you using POF? 90% of the people on there are as dumb as door knobs and have nearly empty profiles.


Haha...or actually just looking for hook ups. I had one good result from there. Too bad he was always mad about me living far away.

OkCupid sucks for me. I try to talk to guys then they seem not interested or they will start talking then disappear. No luck with that site.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

MyJoy said:


> Haha. Online dating can be bad for chicks too. You may write someone and not get a response.


Try being a guy.

You may write to twenty girls, and not get a response.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

I had a female friend actually evaluate that instant messaging conversation I had with a girl on a dating site. And she pointed out that I had bombed that conversation in epic fashion with one mistake. Women want you to "say all the right things" pretty much. It's a very tedious process. It's not accurate to say I hate women. But sometimes I really, really do. I really do! I don't know why gender has to have that much of a deterministic effect on a person's personality but it does. I wish chicks were more like dudes (but pretty, feminine and with vaginas).


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

meganmila said:


> Haha...or actually just looking for hook ups. I had one good result from there. Too bad he was always mad about me living far away.
> 
> OkCupid sucks for me. I try to talk to guys then they seem not interested or they will start talking then disappear. No luck with that site.


Yeah, so many just want a one-night stand. And many are already in relationships. It's like dating sites are god's gift to philanderers.

That's part of the reason why I go on so few dates. Guys are quick to want to meet up but it's just a time suck. And for me it really takes lot of time and planning to prepare for a date. What with having to straighten the hair and not pig out on garlicy/curry flavored foods that day.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Yeah, so many just want a one-night stand. And many are already in relationships. It's like dating sites are god's gift to philanderers.
> 
> That's part of the reason why I go on so few dates. Guys are quick to want to meet up but it's just a time suck. And for me it really takes lot of time and planning to prepare for a date. What with having to straighten the hair and not pig out on garlicy/curry flavored foods that day.


You mean like you will start talking for like a day then they ask "You want to meet?" I'm like whoa I don't even know you that well..be patient. Hate when they get so impatient about it.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

pita said:


> For real. I took a look around that site and all I could think was "OH GOD I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. And that's okay, I guess."


That's pretty much my exact reaction when I browse that site...haha.


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## Gryffindor85 (Nov 7, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> I had a female friend actually evaluate that instant messaging conversation I had with a girl on a dating site. And she pointed out that I had bombed that conversation in epic fashion with one mistake. Women want you to "say all the right things" pretty much. It's a very tedious process. It's not accurate to say I hate women. But sometimes I really, really do. I really do! I don't know why gender has to have that much of a deterministic effect on a person's personality but it does. I wish chicks were more like dudes (but pretty, feminine and with vaginas).


What was the one mistake? I've almost thought about going bi sometimes, but I'm just not attracted to me.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Gryffindor85 said:


> What was the one mistake? I've almost thought about going bi sometimes, but I'm just not attracted to me.


The girl mentioned that she was a dork on her profile. So I asked her what kind of dork she was and she was like "I don't really know." Then I'm like "you know? What kind of dorky hobbies/interests do you have? Are you into gaming? Sci-Fi? Fantasy novels? Anime/manga? Collecting things?" And she just stopped replied to me after that. Apparently I was giving off the vibe that I was some World of Warcraft addict nerd by asking this.

I'm pretty fed up with this dating process. Women can be so fickle. ***** shield up at all times. Not friendly. Not approachable. They assume the worst about you right away. I wish you could transplant a male brain into a woman's body. But just make her more feminine and bubbly and program her to like dudes.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> Dating sites are stacked against men. You'd have better luck asking out girls in real life.


LOL This

Youd have way better chance, i mean you do this in real life, and you got the confidence box checked. Thats like the no.1 quality


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> The girl mentioned that she was a dork on her profile. So I asked her what kind of dork she was and she was like "I don't really know." Then I'm like "you know? What kind of dorky hobbies/interests do you have? Are you into gaming? Sci-Fi? Fantasy novels? Anime/manga? Collecting things?" And she just stopped replied to me after that. Apparently I was giving off the vibe that I was some World of Warcraft addict nerd by asking this.
> 
> I'm pretty fed up with this dating process. Women can be so fickle.


its just the way dating websites are setup. In a dating website all anyone cares about is your pics, since 99 percent of people are lying, the person being honest and looking for som


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## Gryffindor85 (Nov 7, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> The girl mentioned that she was a dork on her profile. So I asked her what kind of dork she was and she was like "I don't really know." Then I'm like "you know? What kind of dorky hobbies/interests do you have? Are you into gaming? Sci-Fi? Fantasy novels? Anime/manga? Collecting things?" And she just stopped replied to me after that. Apparently I was giving off the vibe that I was some World of Warcraft addict nerd by asking this.
> 
> I'm pretty fed up with this dating process. Women can be so fickle. ***** shield up at all times. Not friendly. Not approachable. They assume the worst about you right away. I wish you could transplant a male brain into a woman's body. But just make her more feminine and bubbly and program her to like dudes.


Wow, that is incredibly fickle of her to be offended by that, but I have made similar mistakes like that several times. I don't know how else to make conversation then by talking about nerdy things.

I hate the way all these girls say they are dorks and nerds on dating sites, when they are repulsed by real nerds. It's like they claim to be a nerd because it's the hipster thing to do and makes them ironically cool.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> The girl mentioned that she was a dork on her profile. So I asked her what kind of dork she was and she was like "I don't really know." Then I'm like "you know? What kind of dorky hobbies/interests do you have? Are you into gaming? Sci-Fi? Fantasy novels? Anime/manga? Collecting things?" And she just stopped replied to me after that. Apparently I was giving off the vibe that I was some World of Warcraft addict nerd by asking this.
> 
> I'm pretty fed up with this dating process. Women can be so fickle. ***** shield up at all times. Not friendly. Not approachable. They assume the worst about you right away. I wish you could transplant a male brain into a woman's body. But just make her more feminine and bubbly and program her to like dudes.


I don't know if it was so much being fickle, more that she probably was just not that interested in you in the first place.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I don't know if it was so much being fickle, more that she probably was just not that interested in you in the first place.


Why even bother replying and wasting my time in the first place though?

I was way above this girl's league in looks (She has a pretty face but I had to overlook a significant "flaw" in her appearance. Not going to say what because girls are very sensitive about this issue). But that doesn't matter too much because A) attraction is not an exact science. People have different preferences. I have that babyface and I'm non-threatening. She probably might have a more jock-ish type for all I know (In high-school, I ran the 2.4k. I didn't play football. lol) and B) This was on a hookup-oriented site and she could probably still get a more attractive guy (ripped, tall, hung dude while still having a nice face) than me because it seems like men will have sex with anything with a vagina.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> Why even bother replying and wasting my time in the first place though?
> 
> I was way above this girl's league in looks (She has a pretty face but I had to overlook a significant "flaw" in her appearance. Not going to say what because girls are very sensitive about this issue). But that doesn't matter too much because A) attraction is not an exact science. People have different preferences. I have that babyface and I'm non-threatening. She probably might have a more jock-ish type for all I know (In high-school, I ran the 2.4k. I didn't play football. lol) and B) This was on a hookup-oriented site and she could probably still get a more attractive guy (ripped, tall, hung dude while still having a nice face) than me because it seems like men will have sex with anything with a vagina.


Well, if it was on a hook-up site then that's another story. I was on one before and I was pretty blase about about the whole thing. Hard to get really excited about a one night stand. And it is true, you can be as picky as you want to be on those types of sites cause there are way more men looking for casual sex than women.


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## Felren (May 9, 2010)

I've mostly been trying plenty-of-fish and okcupid since they're free...

I sort of agree with the generally dumber community on PoF. Let us poke and make fun of some of these profiles for a second to make ourselves feel better about ours.

Exhibit A: Most of this woman's pictures are showing abnormal amounts of cleavage. The angle that a few of these pictures are looking at her, giving you a fairly easy view down her shirt. She also tends to wear tight clothing, and trying to look very sexy.

However in her profile, she exclaims "DONT BOTHER SENDING ME MESSAGES FOR CASUAL SEX IF THATS THE ONLY THING ON YOUR MIND IM NOT UR GRL". 

It's hard to take this girl seriously :-|.... not only because the mixed messages, but caps lock.

Exhibit B: The mystery girl- After a very vague and incomplete profile, the girl says, "I'm pretty much an open book, if you want to know anything just ask."

Frankly after looking through dozens of profiles reading to see if the girl I'm reading about and I would be a possible match at all, then sending a message I have to spend a good amount of thought on so I can hopefully get a response on, I don't feel up to this. If I had to think of a quick quirky message to every freakin girl on this website just to know if we're somewhat compatible, I'd just give up. No, if you seriously want something, you have to go your halfway and put something about yourself in your profile, until then you're a waste of my time.

Exhibit C: I wonder if shes been cheated on before?- "IM TIRED OF DISHONEST MEN IF YOU ARE A CHEATER JUST LEAVE NOW. I JUST WANT A GOOD HONEST MAN IN MY LIFE FOR ME AND MY TEN BABIES."

M'am you just filtered out so many more men than you wanted to. I don't know who would want to approach this lion after it just furiously roar'd in their face.

Exhibit D: D is for duckface- One picture out of a handful where you are duckfacing wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. However, EVERY picture your face is in, you are making a duckface.

I don't care if you're a smokin hot 10/10 beauty queen, if you are duck facing on nearly every profile picture, gtfo. If you are duckfacing, it is fairly likely your skin looks like an orange, and you are a drama filled "jersey girl", so again gtfo.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

komorikun said:


> phoenixwright said:
> 
> 
> > Why even bother replying and wasting my time in the first place though?
> ...


I don't just want a one night stand tho. All that effort for just one lay? I want a fling. A relationship ideally but I need to be into a chick for that. And that doesn't happen very often. I require a certain looks threshold for that but I need good synergy too and rapport. I hate being railed into accepting exclusivity and commitment in exchange for sex. Unless It feels right. I'm a guy. I know what it's like to have sex with a hot girl (body 9/10, face 7/10). If I'm not getting at least a 7 and she's not sweet/kind/etc, I'm hesitant to add her to my fb status or even agree to sexual exclusivity


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## Com1 (May 27, 2012)

Dating websites are used for casual sex mainly afaik. If you're after casual sex message every single woman possible offering sex. If you want a serious relationship go outside. After you go outside, ask out every single woman possible.


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## 17Racer (Jan 30, 2012)

For the most part, dating websites are a waste of time. Most of the people who find dates on those sites are the kind of people who can already get dates in real life. I agree with what has already been said about POF-there are indeed a ton of airheads on there. I guess maybe that's expected since it's a free site, but I think it's a bad idea to pay for a dating service. There's no guarantee of a return, and I've heard that some pay sites won't even offer you a membership if they don't think you're compatible with enough people. I've recently canceled my membership on a few sites, mostly because very few of my messages were ever returned, and also due to the fact that the sites kept giving me matches that were clearly not in line with the preferences I stated. So to answer your question, dating websites are hopeless for a lot of people, but I'm sure you're not hopeless yourself. You seem like a reasonable person, and although SA gets in the way of meeting people, I don't think it would be impossible for you to find someone you like, and who likes you in return.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

meganmila said:


> You mean like you will start talking for like a day then they ask "You want to meet?" I'm like whoa I don't even know you that well..be patient. Hate when they get so impatient about it.


I hate that. So many guys just want to meet right away. It makes them look not only impatient, but also desperate.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

laura024 said:


> I hate that. So many guys just want to meet right away. It makes them look not only impatient, but also desperate.


It may appear desperate, but those who employ this strategy are just trying to stay ahead of the vast amount of competition they face. There have been times where I have "taken my time" to message someone, then ask them... when enough time has passed, I'll suggest exchanging numbers, meeting up, and I will get ignored and never hear from them again.

The way I see it, you dont want to spend too much time getting to know someone "online", you can make a better assesment offline, instead of volleying messages back and forth forever. You might build up the person to be someone they just arent what you expected in person.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

laura024 said:


> I hate that. So many guys just want to meet right away. It makes them look not only impatient, but also desperate.


Fun Fact: Guys that aren't desperate don't use online dating. 

Double Negative!


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## Com1 (May 27, 2012)

arnie said:


> Fun Fact: Guys that aren't desperate don't use online dating.
> 
> Double Negative!


There's dating websites full of horny men that want to punch you right now.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

arnie said:


> Fun Fact: Guys that aren't desperate don't use online dating.
> 
> Double Negative!


Not _entirely _true..


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## Arterius (Apr 3, 2012)

I haven't had much luck on OkCupid, but there was this one crazy chick who lived like a state away who gave me her phone number and wanted to meet after a 5-minute IM session.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

OP, if you have the attitude that most people in this thread do, then yes, dating sites are hopeless for you. I'm hoping you don't. I agree that a lot of people on these sites (especially POF) are less than appealing, but if you focus so much on the negative you'll likely miss the diamonds in the rough. If you don't like a certain type of profile, just move on to the next one.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

laura024 said:


> I hate that. So many guys just want to meet right away. It makes them look not only impatient, but also desperate.


I like the quick meeting. Wastes less time. If you're worried about safety, do it in public.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

srschirm said:


> I like the quick meeting. Wastes less time. If you're worried about safety, do it in public.


Yeah i would rather meet quickly too. Lost count of the times ive spent months and months getting to know someone online only to find we were incompatible in real life. Total waste of time.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

Well I have met guys a day after I talked to them or about a week. I dunno I guess back then I was just annoyed by it cause of the experiences I had. But I guess a week is acceptable or 5 days?


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## Brandeezy (Dec 23, 2009)

komorikun said:


> Just wanted to add my real profile on OKCupid got 30-40 messages in the last 6 months, while my fake one (empty profile) with my head cropped out and wearing a tight dress with cleavage showing got 180 messages in the same amount of time.
> 
> edit: Actually the numbers may be even higher for the fake profile cause I think I was deleting messages from unattractive guys a few months ago. Can't remember too well though. I also switched it to Miami to see what the guys were like there (way hotter than guys here in SF but much dumber too).


You live in SF? I probably visited your page lol


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I went to OKCupid last night after reading the other "dating website" post. It's safe to say that I can't take those websites seriously for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because it's inundated with people trying very hard to impress others with their "intellect." I can't count the amount of times I read in profiles, "I'm looking for someone with whom I can have deep conversations with." :roll
Also, after about a half hour of having my profile up and running with pictures and everything, three guys contacted me and I didn't have anything in common with any of them. For starters, if you're looking for a relationship, why would you send a message to someone with whom you have less than 55% compatibility with? Obviously they're looking for something else, and if I wanted that I could go to a sleazy bar...

Yes, dating websites are hopeless; it's not you.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

komorikun said:


> Are you using POF? 90% of the people on there are as dumb as door knobs and have nearly empty profiles.


Yeah - lots of them couldn't figure out that my Needy Ned profile was a joke. Or even my garbagmen profile. It used to be god for a laugh, but now the mods really crack down on anyone with any kind of unusual profile. They kicked my nun profile out of the forums!!

To answer the question: DATING SITES ARE HOPELESS.

DO NOT GO TO PAY SITES EITHER - a waste of money.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> I went to OKCupid last night after reading the other "dating website" post. It's safe to say that I can't take those websites seriously for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because it's inundated with people trying very hard to impress others with their "intellect." I can't count the amount of times I read in profiles, "I'm looking for someone with whom I can have deep conversations with." :roll
> Also, after about a half hour of having my profile up and running with pictures and everything, three guys contacted me and I didn't have anything in common with any of them. For starters, if you're looking for a relationship, why would you send a message to someone with whom you have less than 55% compatibility with? Obviously they're looking for something else, and if I wanted that I could go to a sleazy bar...
> 
> Yes, dating websites are hopeless; it's not you.


Guys just mass mail all women who look half attractive in their area. It is so hard to get a response from woman that they resort to mass copy paste messages to see if they can get any response.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> I went to OKCupid last night after reading the other "dating website" post. It's safe to say that I can't take those websites seriously for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because it's inundated with people trying very hard to impress others with their "intellect." I can't count the amount of times I read in profiles, "I'm looking for someone with whom I can have deep conversations with." :roll
> Also, after about a half hour of having my profile up and running with pictures and everything, three guys contacted me and I didn't have anything in common with any of them. For starters, if you're looking for a relationship, why would you send a message to someone with whom you have less than 55% compatibility with? Obviously they're looking for something else, and if I wanted that I could go to a sleazy bar...
> 
> Yes, dating websites are hopeless; it's not you.


The OkCupid Match % is over-rated.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

scarpia said:


> Guys just mass mail all women who look half attractive in their area. It is so hard to get a response from woman that they resort to mass copy paste messages to see if they can get any response.


They "mass copy paste" a "how are u"? Life's so hard for a guy dating on the web; they have to resort to mass copy paste! :lol



phoenixwright said:


> The OkCupid Match % is over-rated.


It still gives you an idea of whether or not you and the other person have certain things in common.


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## Felren (May 9, 2010)

phoenixwright said:


> The OkCupid Match % is over-rated.


I've seen it keep me away from some women that have the complete opposite views on gay marriage, abortion, other strong issues at times, but there are so many dumb-**** questions that mean little that the match questions that should make the big difference get drowned out.

And a little update, I finally actually went on a date with someone from PoF. We had similar interests, she was pretty cute... however I didn't feel a spark. As long as it's been since I've had a relationship, and how lonely I've been since then, I still couldn't find it worth going after any more. Certainly since she seems to be much more into me than I am into her.

So for the first time in my life It's actually going to be the one ending it. My first times are the hardest to get through with my anxiety too, think I'm going to need a xanax for this one :|.

O well, I guess this has shown me that there's at least some potential in dating websites, and it's shown me I have it in me to actually still date and attract women.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Dating websites simply replace the problem of initial contact with the problem of meeting expectations.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

AllToAll said:


> It still gives you an idea of whether or not you and the other person have certain things in common.


This is where one of the problems lie. The best and most loving relationships I've ever had have been with people who would not meet the matching criteria. The idea that you need things in common to fall in love is a fallacy. Sometimes you learn from them, and love the differences. It is a good guide, but should only be a guide; but some people take it or read it as check-boxes, which is when the dating becomes about expectation and criteria as opposed to mutual adoration.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> They "mass copy paste" a "how are u"? Life's so hard for a guy dating on the web; they have to resort to mass copy paste! :lol


There is worse. Some even have a whole spiel about how wonderful they are. It always starts off: You look like a nice person. I think we have lots in common....blah blah I'm a great guy. blah blah I have my own place and a nice car. blah blah My penis is not too small. blah blah I love Italian food and when I'm adventurous a bit of sushi blah blah. Hit me up some time.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Selbbin said:


> This is where one of the problems lie. The best and most loving relationships I've ever had have been with people who would not meet the matching criteria. The idea that you need things in common to fall in love is a fallacy. Sometimes you learn from them, and love the differences. It is a good guide, but should only be a guide; but some people take it or read it as check-boxes, which is when the dating becomes about expectation and criteria as opposed to mutual adoration.


That might be how you think, but not everyone feels that way. Plus studies show having things in common with another person creates a stronger bond. Personally, I'd like to know that the person I'm dating shares similar interests and ideologies. If you don't care if your girlfriend believes in Satan while you're an avid Christian then so be it, but don't toss connections based on similar interests out the window simply because you live in the land where opposites attract.



komorikun said:


> There is worse. Some even have a whole spiel about how wonderful they are. It always starts off: You look like a nice person. I think we have lots in common....blah blah I'm a great guy. blah blah *I have my own place and a nice car. blah blah My penis is not too small. blah blah I love Italian food and when I'm adventurous a bit of sushi blah blah. * Hit me up some time.


:lol


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> It still gives you an idea of whether or not you and the other person have certain things in common.


Fair enough. I have a 92% match with a female friend. And while we make great friends, we're certainly not a "match".


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Fair enough. I have a 92% match with a female friend. And while we make great friends, we're certainly not a "match".


You're great friends, though, so there's some truth to it.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> They "mass copy paste" a "how are u"? Life's so hard for a guy dating on the web; they have to resort to mass copy paste! :lol


Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

scarpia said:


> Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
> Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
> To the last syllable of recorded time;
> And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
> ...


Wanna go out on a date? At least you took the time to google it... :stu


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> Wanna go out on a date? At least you took the time to google it... :stu


I know it actually. I still remember some of a Bryant poem too..
Whither midst falling dew,While glow the heavans with the last steps of day,
Far, through their rosy depths, dost thou pursue Thy solitary way?
Vainly the folwers eye ..bla bla ...do thee wrong.
bla bla .........figure floats along.

That one gets a bit hazy. Lets google and see

Whither, 'midst falling dew,
While glow the heavens with the last steps of day,
Far, through their rosy depths, dost thou pursue
Thy solitary way?

Vainly the fowler's eye
Might mark thy distant flight to do thee wrong,
As, darkly painted on the crimson sky,
Thy figure floats along.

Seek'st thou the plashy brink
Of weedy lake, or marge of river wide,
Or where the rocking billows rise and sink
On the chafed ocean side?

There is a Power whose care
Teaches thy way along that pathless coast,--
The desert and illimitable air,--
Lone wandering, but not lost.

All day thy wings have fanned,
At that far height, the cold, thin atmosphere,
Yet stoop not, weary, to the welcome land,
Though the dark night is near.

And soon that toil shall end;
Soon shalt thou find a summer home, and rest,
And scream among thy fellows; reeds shall bend,
Soon, o'er thy sheltered nest.

Thou'rt gone, the abyss of heaven
Hath swallowed up thy form; yet, on my heart
Deeply hath sunk the lesson thou hast given,
And shall not soon depart.

He who, from zone to zone,
Guides through the boundless sky thy certain flight,
In the long way that I must tread alone,
Will lead my steps aright.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

AllToAll said:


> That might be how you think, but not everyone feels that way.


Absolutely. What I believe isn't law by any means. All I ever really try to describe are the exceptions, that not everything is one way or the other. But that for some people, it's like this.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> You're great friends, though, so there's some truth to it.


OKCupid has a different rating for match, friend and enemy thoug. Oddly enough my friend % with her was a good bit lower than the match % (in the 70s). I think the figures should be swapped.


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## MyJoy (Dec 9, 2011)

Here is what I did on OkCupid. I messaged a couple of guys that seemed interested. Like 2, got a short message back from 1. No idea where its going, not going to obsess about it and constantly check OkCupid, there is a large probability that it won't go anywhere as I we won't be a match. I think I'll check my email a couple of times a week and if I get a message respond it, and if not, oh well! All the guys who seem like they have something in common with me seem to live in a big city too far away for me to date....


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Selbbin said:


> *This is where one of the problems lie.* The best and most loving relationships I've ever had have been with people who would not meet the matching criteria. The idea that you need things in common to fall in love is a fallacy. Sometimes you learn from them, and love the differences. It is a good guide, but should only be a guide; but some people take it or read it as check-boxes, which is when the dating becomes about expectation and criteria as opposed to mutual adoration.





Selbbin said:


> Absolutely. What I believe isn't law by any means. All I ever really try to describe are the exceptions, that not everything is one way or the other. But that for some people, it's like this.


Really? Because you seem to be criticizing my "flawed" way of thinking.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> Really? Because you seem to be criticizing my "flawed" way of thinking.


Or maybe he just has a different opinion, god forbid. I agree with him..yes, match % will tell you if you share a lot of core values and ideals with that person, but does it necessarily mean there will be a romantic connection? Absolutely not. I've gone out with girls who were around 60% match and girls who were 80 or 90%, and I've seen no bearing when it comes to determining a genuine connection, which IMO is more important than anything. Again, common interests increase the chance of that connection, so the match % is an okay guide, but it's not really that important, unless you have certain ideals that if the other person DOESN'T have are dealbreakers, like religion. I don't subscribe to that kind of narrow-minded thinking, though; I don't have any big dealbreakers. Personally if I'm attracted to them physically, they have a good profile, and we have somewhat of a rapport while messaging, that's enough for me to go on a date with them.

Obviously the overall stats will likely tell you that those with the same exact outlook on life and ideals will have a higher chance of success, but that isn't the case for everyone and really it's down to the individual. Personally I would want someone who can show me new perspectives on life, but not everyone is like that. Point is, match % doesn't necessarily correlate to that special connection you feel with someone where everything just seems right.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

AllToAll said:


> Also, after about a half hour of having my profile up and running with pictures and everything, three guys contacted me and I didn't have anything in common with any of them. For starters, if you're looking for a relationship, why would you send a message to someone with whom you have less than 55% compatibility with? Obviously they're looking for something else, and if I wanted that I could go to a sleazy bar...


A lot of times I've gotten along better with people who matched me 60% as opposed to 85%. I'm not completely sure of the matching algorithm they use.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

srschirm said:


> A lot of times I've gotten along better with people who matched me 60% as opposed to 85%. I'm not completely sure of the matching algorithm they use.


Or at least the 60% match actually messaged me back...


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

scarpia said:


> Guys just mass mail all women who look half attractive in their area. It is so hard to get a response from woman that they resort to mass copy paste messages to see if they can get any response.


Not true at all..for me anyway. I always personalize my emails. I get a 20-30% response rate on average.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

srschirm said:


> scarpia said:
> 
> 
> > Guys just mass mail all women who look half attractive in their area. It is so hard to get a response from woman that they resort to mass copy paste messages to see if they can get any response.
> ...


an I bet even when those 20-30% respond, the vast majority among that 20-30% half-*** conversation right? It's a really bad situation. Girls on there are just holding out for that checklist guy. And they are willing to because they have a lot less testosterone than us. (less urgency to mate) Guys give out sex like candy. Girls don't. I don't think it's a dating site issue. That's just how chicks are


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## Arterius (Apr 3, 2012)

In regard to "urgency to mate," I would argue the opposite. Females are the ones with the biological clock.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

srschirm said:


> A lot of times I've gotten along better with people who matched me 60% as opposed to 85%. I'm not completely sure of the matching algorithm they use.


I'm not arguing whether or not people will actually have a lot of things in common based on these questions, but I do think they lead you in a better direction. Particularly if you're actually responding to them in a thoughtful manner (i.e. explaining your answers). 
I opened profiles from people with whom I had less than a 50% compatibility (by the way, all three guys who contacted me had less than 50% compatibility with me), and I didn't find I could get along with the "I'm just super chill" guy, or the "I'm looking for true and eternal love."

Plus, the questions I rated as "mandatory" are truly mandatory. For example, I couldn't date a person who's religious or someone who believes birth control is sinful. That's the type of questions I'm thinking of when I refer to compatibility, and not "would you have sex on the first date" type of questions.



rymo said:


> Or maybe he just has a different opinion, god forbid.


He can have his opinion, but if you read his message you'll notice he's actually criticizing mine. 

EDIT: By the way, I'm not arguing that you can't have a fulfilling relationship with someone you don't have many things in common with. It just wouldn't work for *me*. If a person views a profile and thinks they have a "connection" with the person, then they would/should mention that in the message (i.e. I read this and thought this blah blah). Not a random "how are u?". That's just lazy, and and it just so happens I had nothing in common with them. I think that's telling.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Weird messages I've received so far:

"do you like maccaronies?"


"Hey this week I was thinking of robbing a bank fleeing down to the ocean and faking my own death, scuba tanks in the trunk, are you in? 

P.S. You should probably bring some sandwich or something, no egg salad because it smells like farts. "

^He has "Stud" in his username, a picture of him with no shirt on, and a profile filled with cocky bull****.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

laura024 said:


> Weird messages I've received so far:
> 
> "do you like maccaronies?"


Guys try to be funny on those types of sites in order to "stand out". I understand that mentality because I'm prone to this line of thinking as well. But apparently this tactic doesn't work out too well.



> "Hey this week I was thinking of robbing a bank fleeing down to the ocean and faking my own death, scuba tanks in the trunk, are you in?
> 
> P.S. You should probably bring some sandwich or something, no egg salad because it smells like farts. "
> 
> ^He has "Stud" in his username, a picture of him with no shirt on, and a profile filled with cocky bull****.


It's clear that he's just looking for casual sex. If that's what a guy wants, than taking a picture of him without a shirt on (if he is ripped and muscular) is probably the way to go.

Also Laura, I'm not quite sure what you're doing wrong. I think you should have no problem whatsoever attracting a cute guy on OkCupid who wants an actual relationship and connects well with you. I have trolled OKCupid before pretending to be a hot girl for the lulz (lol). Guys are not that hard to talk to AT ALL. Even when I'm pretending to be a chick, I can pull it off.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> an I bet even when those 20-30% respond, the vast majority among that 20-30% half-*** conversation right? It's a really bad situation. Girls on there are just holding out for that checklist guy. And they are willing to because they have a lot less testosterone than us. (less urgency to mate) Guys give out sex like candy. Girls don't. I don't think it's a dating site issue. That's just how chicks are


It's not necessarily because they have "less testosterone" or holding out for "checklist guy." It's because they're probably looking for something a bit deeper than a hookup and know there are guys on the web who only want sex. Pretty much how you seem to be coming off, as well as the creeps who are too lazy to spell "you." Some women do just want to hookup, but they could go to a bar for that. Why bother filling out a profile with details about themselves for sex, when they could go to a bar in their neighborhood and get a guy with whom to have sex with?
Plus, there are lesbians in the website who "give it away like candy" (both femme and butch), so it's not as simple as "it's just how chicks are."


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> He can have his opinion, but if you read his message you'll notice he's actually criticizing mine.
> 
> EDIT: By the way, I'm not arguing that you can't have a fulfilling relationship with someone you don't have many things in common with. It just wouldn't work for *me*. If a person views a profile and thinks they have a "connection" with the person, then they would/should mention that in the message (i.e. I read this and thought this blah blah). Not a random "how are u?". That's just lazy, and and it just so happens I had nothing in common with them. I think that's telling.


I agree, "how are u?" is an incredibly awful first message. Not to mention, 95% of guys send those types of messages (or just incredibly lame/cheesy ones). That being said, it's possible to send an intriguing message to someone even if you don't have much in common with them based on their profile. I've messaged girls just based on a particular picture they had, without even necessarily reading their profile. Certainly you can't count on a lot of these guys to do that, though, and even if they do have things in common with you if they don't bother to send something more than a generic message then you're right, they aren't worth your time.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> It's not necessarily because they have "less testosterone" or holding out for "checklist guy." It's because they're probably looking for something a bit deeper than a hookup and know there are guys on the web who only want sex. Pretty much how you seem to be coming off, as well as the creeps who are too lazy to spell "you." Some women do just want to hookup, but they could go to a bar for that. Why bother filling out a profile with details about themselves for sex, when they could go to a bar in their neighborhood and get a guy with whom to have sex with?
> Plus, there are lesbians in the website who "give it away like candy" (both femme and butch), so it's not as simple as "it's just how chicks are."


Lesbians are a different ballgame altogether. :lol:. They just are. From the bi girls I have known, they are more likely to "hook up" with a girl than they are to "hook up" with a guy. A couple girls I've known in particular believe that it's "****ty" for them to have casual sex with guys. But they have no moral qualms with sexually experimenting with women. And lesbians have more testosterone than heterosexual females.

And yeah you're more likely to find girls who hookup in bars. But they're really not that numerous. Bars are still sausage fests. And some of the hottest girls in bars are actually paid escorts. Also maybe I come off like that (that I just want sex) but that's not accurate. From a third-person perspective, I'm pretty sure it appears that way. lol. Probably because I'm a little antsy lately because I have equipment malfunction issues and I'm waiting to piss in a cup/take a blood test Saturday morning so that my doctor can find out whats wrong with the plumbing. And all this waiting is a great source of frustration. lol. I'm interested in a relationship. But I'm still at the "get it out of my system" stage. If you don't want to engage in casual sex, fine. But lots of guys actually do (I'd say most guys would engage in casual sex if the opportunity was there). And there's nothing wrong with that.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

AllToAll said:


> Really? Because you seem to be criticizing my "flawed" way of thinking.


Just because you said it doesn't make it law either, and for some people what you described _*is *_a problem. And I agreed with you, not everyone thinks that way. You don't think that way. Great! More power to you. But as you've already seen, some people *DO*.

I do recall writing ONE of the problems, not THE problem. As in, different people face different challenges and have different problems. When I write 'you' I am almost never actually talking about _you_. But the you as in anyone my message may connect with.

It's not all about right or wrong and not all about you being disagreed with or not, or you being either hailed as correct in everything you say or being vilified. There is a LOT of grey. Please don't be so touchy to perceived criticism and attack other's opinions just because they don't line up _perfectly _with yours.

And PS: I'm not writing a damned essay to be read by academics with a finer toothed comb looking for exact meaning and inference. I don't need my messages to be perfectly clear and PC. If you read something into it, I'm not going to take responsibility for the miscommunication or miss-understanding. I'll state my opinion and leave it at that.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

rymo said:


> Or maybe he just has a different opinion, god forbid. I agree with him.


 yup, that's about the sum of it. Thanks.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Lesbians are a different ballgame altogether. :lol:. They just are. From the bi girls I have known, they are more likely to "hook up" with a girl than they are to "hook up" with a guy. A couple girls I've known in particular believe that it's "****ty" for them to have casual sex with guys. But they have no moral qualms with sexually experimenting with women. And lesbians have more testosterone than heterosexual females.
> 
> And yeah you're more likely to find girls who hookup in bars. But they're really not that numerous. Bars are still sausage fests. And some of the hottest girls in bars are actually paid escorts. Also maybe I come off like that (that I just want sex) but that's not accurate. From a third-person perspective, I'm pretty sure it appears that way. lol. Probably because I'm a little antsy lately because I have equipment malfunction issues and I'm waiting to piss in a cup/take a blood test Saturday morning so that my doctor can find out whats wrong with the plumbing. And all this waiting is a great source of frustration. lol. I'm interested in a relationship. But I'm still at the "get it out of my system" stage. If you don't want to engage in casual sex, fine. But lots of guys actually do (I'd say most guys would engage in casual sex if the opportunity was there). And there's nothing wrong with that.


And a lot of women actually have casual sex too.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> Guys try to be funny on those types of sites in order to "stand out". I understand that mentality because I'm prone to this line of thinking as well. But apparently this tactic doesn't work out too well.


It really doesn't. I like guys who don't have to try hard. They should just represent themselves truthfully, and it will speak for itself.



> It's clear that he's just looking for casual sex. If that's what a guy wants, than taking a picture of him without a shirt on (if he is ripped and muscular) is probably the way to go.
> 
> Also Laura, I'm not quite sure what you're doing wrong. I think you should have no problem whatsoever attracting a cute guy on OkCupid who wants an actual relationship and connects well with you. I have trolled OKCupid before pretending to be a hot girl for the lulz (lol). Guys are not that hard to talk to AT ALL. Even when I'm pretending to be a chick, I can pull it off.


I make it clear in my profile that I'm not looking for sex. Clearly he didn't bother to read my profile, or thought he could convince me otherwise. It's hard to wade through all the messages I receive per day. If I don't message some guys back right away, they send several more messages in a row. Soo annoying. Then I get sparse replies from the few interesting guys. I've only just begun on this site though.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

laura024 said:


> It really doesn't. I like guys who don't have to try hard. They should just represent themselves truthfully, and it will speak for itself.


Hmm..being funny has worked for me. I don't know why you say that being funny isn't representing oneself truthfully. If you steal jokes of the internet and paste them in your messages, that's being untruthful. But if you flirt and make humorous/witty remarks with someone online it's definitely a positive.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

rymo said:


> Hmm..being funny has worked for me. I don't know why you say that being funny isn't representing oneself truthfully. If you steal jokes of the internet and paste them in your messages, that's being untruthful. But if you flirt and make humorous/witty remarks with someone online it's definitely a positive.


To me there's a difference between genuinely being funny and trying hard to make never ending witty comments that are just plain stupid. That also comes down to preferences in humor style. I've had guys send me messages with one "funny" comment after another, never getting into actual details about themselves or wanting to know about me. It just seemed like "Hey, look at me impress you with my funniness." It's not even about me being a serious person, because generally I'm not. I like to joke around. The way some guys portray themselves is just over the top.


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## Adam81980 (Oct 13, 2011)

laura024 said:


> It really doesn't. I like guys who don't have to try hard. They should just represent themselves truthfully, and it will speak for itself.


Naturally, as a man I don't understand the online dating experience from a women's perspective. Likewise, you don't understand it from a man's.

For any women that has the time and the curiosity to see what it's like. Go create a fake profile as an attractive man with traits listed that you, as a women would think you would look for. Then, go e-mail 50 perspective partners on the site. It's got to be more than too lines, and it's got to be original enough so that you, as a women would reply. Make sure to be truthful and sincere.

Now, sit back, wait, and tells us how many replies you actually got from the women you took all that time trying to come up with a message to send when you only has a picture and a paragraph to go on. I guarantee you'll get perhaps four or five replies at most!

The guys have been there and done that. They know I'm right.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

laura024 said:


> To me there's a difference between genuinely being funny and trying hard to make never ending witty comments that are just plain stupid. That also comes down to preferences in humor style. I've had guys send me messages with one "funny" comment after another, never getting into actual details about themselves or wanting to know about me. It just seemed like "Hey, look at me impress you with my funniness." It's not even about me being a serious person, because generally I'm not. I like to joke around. The way some guys portray themselves is just over the top.


Well of course a good mix is best, the push and pull. But in my experience a funny/witty FIRST message is much more likely to produce a response over "Hey..I see you're into [interest]. Personally I love the [sub-interest] part of [interest]. What about you?"


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

rymo said:


> Well of course a good mix is best, the push and pull. But in my experience a funny/witty FIRST message is much more likely to produce a response over "Hey..I see you're into [interest]. Personally I love the [sub-interest] part of [interest]. What about you?"


Humour can be pretty risky though. She might not think it's funny. She might think you're being creepy, etc. She might think you're insulting her. Sometimes you have to take risks though instead of sending out generic e-mail #51.

From the feedback I've got, my friends (including female friends) have responded positively to my humour. But I have been told by one female friend that I have to "tone it down" with girls right at the beginning because my risque humour (sexual, black humour, racial humour, sarcastic humour, "negs". Though I was using "negs" before I actually knew it was a PUA strategy. It's just part of my genuine personality to make fun of people) might scare them off. I don't make jokes with ill intent. But people have sensitivities.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Lesbians are a different ballgame altogether. :lol:. They just are. From the bi girls I have known, they are more likely to "hook up" with a girl than they are to "hook up" with a guy. A couple girls I've known in particular believe that it's "****ty" for them to have casual sex with guys. But they have no moral qualms with sexually experimenting with women. And lesbians have more testosterone than heterosexual females.


They have vaginas, right? I would categorize them under women so those differences are based on social expectations and not actual innate traits. And I'm referring to your last post as well.



phoenixwright said:


> And yeah you're more likely to find girls who hookup in bars. But they're really not that numerous. Bars are still sausage fests. And some of the hottest girls in bars are actually paid escorts. Also maybe I come off like that (that I just want sex) but that's not accurate. From a third-person perspective, I'm pretty sure it appears that way. lol. Probably because I'm a little antsy lately because I have equipment malfunction issues and I'm waiting to piss in a cup/take a blood test Saturday morning so that my doctor can find out whats wrong with the plumbing. And all this waiting is a great source of frustration. lol. I'm interested in a relationship. But I'm still at the "get it out of my system" stage. If you don't want to engage in casual sex, fine. But lots of guys actually do (I'd say most guys would engage in casual sex if the opportunity was there). And there's nothing wrong with that.


It doesn't "come off" that way, it's pretty much what you said on your last post.

I never said there was something wrong with casual sex; I was explaining why some women might not respond to guys on the web (because they want more).



Selbbin said:


> Just because you said it doesn't make it law either, and for some people what you described _*is *_a problem. And I agreed with you, not everyone thinks that way. You don't think that way. Great! More power to you. But as you've already seen, some people *DO*.


I never said it was "a law." I also acknowledge that people don't agree. What exactly are you trying to argue? Or are you simply nastily repeating what I wrote for the hell of an argument?



> I do recall writing ONE of the problems, not THE problem. As in, different people face different challenges and have different problems. When I write 'you' I am almost never actually talking about _you_. But the you as in anyone my message may connect with.


You're still stating that it's problematic, therefore, *you* were criticizing my way of thinking. Kind of hypocritical on your part after giving me this speech. :lol



> It's not all about right or wrong and not all about you being disagreed with or not, or you being either hailed as correct in everything you say or being vilified. There is a LOT of grey. Please don't be so touchy to perceived criticism and attack other's opinions just because they don't line up _perfectly _with yours.


I'm not being touchy; I'm stating my point and you're the one taking it personally. I explained in my previous post that I don't have any issue whatsoever with people wanting to date others with whom they have nothing in common with. You're the one who criticize my POV. I'm simply pointing out your hypocrisy.



> And PS: I'm not writing a damned essay to be read by academics with a finer toothed comb looking for exact meaning and inference. I don't need my messages to be perfectly clear and PC. If you read something into it, I'm not going to take responsibility for the miscommunication or miss-understanding. I'll state my opinion and leave it at that.


I'm not reading into anything; I'm reading what you wrote. You wrote that the way I thought was flawed. Read your post again if you care to. I don't care about an academic essay, but choose your words wisely before you go jumping the gun.



Selbbin said:


> yup, that's about the sum of it. Thanks.


I answered that one, too.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

ugh. I'm not playing the 'I'm right you're wrong' game.

I stated my opinion. The end.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

It was more of a "this is what I said, this is what you said, let's clear the misunderstanding." Fine by me either way, though.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> Humour can be pretty risky though. She might not think it's funny. She might think you're being creepy, etc. She might think you're insulting her. Sometimes you have to take risks though instead of sending out generic e-mail #51.
> 
> From the feedback I've got, my friends (including female friends) have responded positively to my humour. But I have been told by one female friend that I have to "tone it down" with girls right at the beginning because my risque humour (sexual, black humour, racial humour, sarcastic humour, "negs". Though I was using "negs" before I actually knew it was a PUA strategy. It's just part of my genuine personality to make fun of people) might scare them off. I don't make jokes with ill intent. But people have sensitivities.


Not to mention sarcasm doesn't always translate very well online. I have a tendency to lean towards that type of humor as well, and I've noticed that there have been times where I've overstepped my bounds and the girl has stopped talking to me because of it. The way I see it, though, if she didn't get my humor or she was that easily offended by a joke then she's not for me anyway.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

That reminds me. I got a funny message from someone I must have messaged before. I was looking at the questions I answered and made one public. The one where it asks whether you'd prefer to do the tying or be tied up. So he must have seen that and wrote:

"I remember you! You'd rather do the tying eh? Well come over Wednesday morning and bring the rope."


:whip


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## Dodola (May 21, 2012)

meganmila said:


> You mean like you will start talking for like a day then they ask "You want to meet?" I'm like whoa I don't even know you that well..be patient. Hate when they get so impatient about it.


Oh...yes...i just registered with OKCupid. This is the second day and already i have 2's "we should meet"....should i delete it? I don't know..i also had 2 other conversations that were really friendly and fun...maybe i'll stay there for a while...i just want to talk, make friends, nothing more


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

I think that you shouldn't give up on it. There are clearly genuine people out there looking for relationships and it can never hurt to expand your resources, you're only going to increase your chances compared to if you give up.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

meganmila said:


> And a lot of women actually have casual sex too.


I'd say that a lot more men are open to it than women. And among those women who are open to it, the majority don't do it very often in their lives. And women choose not to hookup that often by choice. Men on the other hand are more likely to pounce on opportunities because they are harder to come by for them (women are much more selective).

As a guy who is bi-curious, I'm pretty sure I would get tons of offers by guys without lifting a finger. I was already offered sex by one male on that hookup site and I have down that I'm straight on my profile! lol. It's not that easy for me with women. lol I wish! I decided not to pursue that thing with that guy because I find that I guess I'm not really into guys after all. I don't know. lol. Plus I'm afraid some gay/bi dude is going to rape me and men who have sex with men are at high risk for STDs. So I'll take my chances with the female gender. lol. I've never been with a guy. A female friend told me to put up a gay profile on the website as an experiment to confirm that men would give it out like candy. lol. I dont think its necessary though. Men just do. Its common knowledge. I also don't want girls on there to see that I'm bi. Lots of Women discriminate again bi guys. They think we're closet homosexuals or that we have lots of stds and possibly HIV.

As for lesbians, I agree with AllToAll that social expectations do come into play. If a girl fools around with a girl, she's "experimenting". If she has sex with a guy on hte first date, she's ****-shamed. I thought **** shaming done by men (i knew girls did it out if jealousy. lol) was mainly a myth. But in an okcupid experiment pretending to be a chick, guys only want you for sex if you have both relationship and casual sex in your interested in. And if they ask you how many men you've been with and you give them a high number, they don't want you as a girlfriend.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> I'd say that a lot more men are open to it than women. And among those women who are open to it, the majority don't do it very often in their lives. And women choose not to hookup that often by choice. Men on the other hand are more likely to pounce on opportunities because they are harder to come by for them (women are much more selective).
> 
> As a guy who is bi-curious, I'm pretty sure I would get tons of offers by guys without lifting a finger. I was already offered sex by one male on that hookup site and I have down that I'm straight on my profile! lol. It's not that easy for me with women. lol I wish! I decided not to pursue that thing with that guy because I find that I guess I'm not really into guys after all. I don't know. lol. Plus I'm afraid some gay/bi dude is going to rape me and men who have sex with men are at high risk for STDs. So I'll take my chances with the female gender. lol. I've never been with a guy. A female friend told me to put up a gay profile on the website as an experiment to confirm that men would give it out like candy. lol. I dont think its necessary though. Men just do. Its common knowledge. I also don't want girls on there to see that I'm bi. Lots of Women discriminate again bi guys. They think we're closet homosexuals or that we have lots of stds and possibly HIV.
> 
> As for lesbians, I agree with AllToAll that social expectations do come into play. If a girl fools around with a girl, she's "experimenting". If she has sex with a guy on hte first date, she's ****-shamed. I thought **** shaming done by men (i knew girls did it out if jealousy. lol) was mainly a myth. But in an okcupid experiment pretending to be a chick, guys only want you for sex if you have both relationship and casual sex in your interested in. And if they ask you how many men you've been with and you give them a high number, they don't want you as a girlfriend.


I have just seen a lot of women be more sexual. IMO I won't discriminate against a bi..but I guess I am in the minority. :stu I guess I have been **** shamed :lol Whatever I don't care...It's really their loss and if they are gonna judge by numbers then that's really dumb...they just seem picky. Some guys should be more open minded.


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## ijustwanttobemute (Jun 2, 2012)

Love finds you when you aren't looking. Create your profile, find friends, and cool it. You should fall in love when you're ready and not when you're lonely.


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## MyJoy (Dec 9, 2011)

Comedy gold. Why online dating is a bust. People just having standard messages to try and get laid haha.

http://www.rooshvforum.com/thread-3601-post-218183.html#pid218183


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> an I bet even when those 20-30% respond, the vast majority among that 20-30% half-*** conversation right? It's a really bad situation. Girls on there are just holding out for that checklist guy. And they are willing to because they have a lot less testosterone than us. (less urgency to mate) Guys give out sex like candy. Girls don't. I don't think it's a dating site issue. That's just how chicks are


Yes sir, that's exactly right. Very frustrating...


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

ijustwanttobemute said:


> Love finds you when you aren't looking. Create your profile, find friends, and cool it. You should fall in love when you're ready and not when you're lonely.


That works for women, but not for men.


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## Wall of Red (Jun 24, 2011)

Adam81980 said:


> Naturally, as a man I don't understand the online dating experience from a women's perspective. Likewise, you don't understand it from a man's.
> 
> For any women that has the time and the curiosity to see what it's like. Go create a fake profile as an attractive man with traits listed that you, as a women would think you would look for. Then, go e-mail 50 perspective partners on the site. It's got to be more than too lines, and it's got to be original enough so that you, as a women would reply. Make sure to be truthful and sincere.
> 
> ...


Well said man I don't think the majority of women who use online dating realise how tough it is for males to make any kind of progress.


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## IGotAddicted (Apr 20, 2009)

OKCupid is alright but there's more fish at POF aka Plenty of Fish lool. 
I had better chance at POF and have meet one good guy at OKCupid but we are friends who lived in my area. 

They are hopeless cause the amount of people on there make it hopeless cause they aren't look for what you're looking for. If you get lucky, hey don't let the luck go. I'm currently talking to an amazing guy from POF, he's great and we definitely like each other.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

What I don't get is why guys put all their eggs in one basket. If you are so convinced that online dating is not that fruitful, then you can either not use it, or just use it as an additional method of meeting people. How much effort does it really take to craft a well-thought out message to a few girls (or guys, if that's your thing) every few days? What does it take? 10 minutes? Big deal. In the meantime you can just go on with your life, and if someone responds, great! If not, continue to improve your profile, pictures, and messages (wit) and you haven't lost much of anything. Knowing how hard it is for guys on there, there is no shame in being rejected or not replied back to.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

rymo said:


> What I don't get is why guys put all their eggs in one basket. If you are so convinced that online dating is not that fruitful, then you can either not use it, or just use it as an additional method of meeting people. How much effort does it really take to craft a well-thought out message to a few girls (or guys, if that's your thing) every few days? What does it take? 10 minutes? Big deal. In the meantime you can just go on with your life, and if someone responds, great! If not, continue to improve your profile, pictures, and messages (wit) and you haven't lost much of anything. Knowing how hard it is for guys on there, there is no shame in being rejected or not replied back to.


It just takes a toll mentally. It takes about 10 mins. for one decent message (maybe a minute or two less). But just knowing that whatever you're putting out there is being shot down (for reasons you never really find out) is hard to deal with, if you're somewhat sensitive. If you're not, then great. You have it easier.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

srschirm said:


> It just takes a toll mentally. It takes about 10 mins. for one decent message (maybe a minute or two less). But just knowing that whatever you're putting out there is being shot down (for reasons you never really find out) is hard to deal with, if you're somewhat sensitive. If you're not, then great. You have it easier.


Again, you have the knowledge that it's hard for guys on dating sites and that no matter who you are (in general), you're going to have a very low % of replies. I think guys need to lower their expectations to more realistic levels and then it will be a lot easier to deal with.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

rymo said:


> Again, you have the knowledge that it's hard for guys on dating sites and that no matter who you are (in general), you're going to have a very low % of replies. I think guys need to lower their expectations to more realistic levels and then it will be a lot easier to deal with.


True, but no matter how low your expectations, it still sucks.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

The thing that really sucks for me about dating sites is when you see a cute girl and then you read her profile and you genuinely dont give two ***** about what's on her profile. And then now you have to go message her something about what's on her profile. When really you don't care and just think she's cute. Most female profiles disinterest me. I find that it's hard to have shared interests and hobbies with the vast majority of women. It's easier to find something in common with dudes.

And even when I find a girl who is a legit nerd, she seems to out-nerd me because I don't obsessively spend all my time on nerdy stuff. That said im pretty much out of the loop with popular culture too or "underground" music as well. I'm an introspective person. I don't spend that much time passively consuming media.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> I find that it's hard to have shared interests and hobbies with the vast majority of women. It's easier to find something in common with dudes.


Exactly. Which is why I always say it's really hard for men and women to truly be just friends.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> And even when I find a girl who is a legit nerd, she seems to out-nerd me because I don't obsessively spend all my time on nerdy stuff. That said im pretty much out of the loop with popular culture too or "underground" music as well. I'm an introspective person. I don't spend that much time passively consuming media.


I know, most people assume I'm "nerdy," but I'm not necessarily. I guess they just think because I wear glasses I'm into things that I'm not really into.

That being said, I do like a lot of "underground" music. I'm very introspective as well.


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## Irish616 (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm going to take a stab and say that it's you. You seem to be bitter and despondent about not finding a girl, which will cause you not to be able to find a girl. You could be the coolest and most interesting guy in the world, and girls aren't going to pay you much attention until you're happy with yourself. Well, some will, but only those with a lot of baggage. Personally, I liked the Inner Game seminars for really understanding this. While it's marketed as an aid to attract women, it's actually more of an outline of getting yourself into a good state, and that will in turn make you attractive to women. I've hit dry spells too, where the only logical conclusion was that the problem was me. While this was mostly wasted time feeling sorry for myself, it was also true. Since my attitude and personality wasn't stable and confident, women and I weren't on the same wavelength. Then I got my act together and met my wife, who I've been with 13 years.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I think the problem is that a lot of guys have really crappy profiles and are sending messages to the wrong women. Everyone is aiming for the top 20-30% most attractive. So of course 70% are going to get no where with that.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

There are four things that annoy me on dating sites:

1) Single moms
2) Trannies
3) Black girls claiming to be "mixed race"
4) Girls with "a few extra pounds" only posting pictures of themselves from the neck up


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## Irish616 (Jun 4, 2012)

meganmila said:


> You mean like you will start talking for like a day then they ask "You want to meet?" I'm like whoa I don't even know you that well..be patient. Hate when they get so impatient about it.


I agree completely. I think that where most men go wrong is that they focus on a goal, and try to get there as fast as possible. Can I get her to go out with me? How far can I get? Yeah, I was there, too. Didn't get many dates that way. Then I found the secret to dating. No ****, there really is a secret, and that is...

Relax! Holy crow, what's the freaking rush? Is the point of talking to women only to "get a date"? If so, a man is nearly doomed to failure. Taking the time to relax and learn about each other is important not only to show your sincerity, but to avoid wasting both of your time on dates that aren't going to work out.

When I was competing in athletics in high school, I remember training painfully all the time and then nervously waiting for the next meet, and the profound sense of relief I felt when the meet was over, win or lose. This reminds me of most men's perception of dating. I failed to understand that I should have been focusing on my training and enjoying it (even the painful parts), rather than suffering through it. I think that I lost many competitions because I was so nervous about them.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Irish616 said:


> Relax! .


Sage advice. May be a bit hard to follow for people with irrational anxieties.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

komorikun said:


> I think the problem is that a lot of guys have really crappy profiles and are sending messages to the wrong women. Everyone is aiming for the top 20-30% most attractive. So of course 70% are going to get no where with that.


I think my profile must suck, because people read my message, look at my profile, then never respond :blank I found when I was more vague with my profile I actually received some responses. I don't aim high at all either. I typically assume that the more attractive users probably already receive tons of messages so I don't even bother. I'm not even sure who would be considered the "right" person for me to message.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Has anyone else tried the analytics on okcupid? It's called "My best face" You submit you profile pictures and then people rate them. They send you a report with how much people liked each profile and then break down the data by personality type like "artists, christians, conservatives..."

For example, my shirtless photo is popular with 100% of extroverts rating it above others, but it polled even with introverts. (very interesting)

I love this level of detail! I can finally apply math to dating!


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

Irish616 said:


> I agree completely. I think that where most men go wrong is that they focus on a goal, and try to get there as fast as possible. Can I get her to go out with me? How far can I get? Yeah, I was there, too. Didn't get many dates that way. Then I found the secret to dating. No ****, there really is a secret, and that is...
> 
> Relax! Holy crow, what's the freaking rush? Is the point of talking to women only to "get a date"? If so, a man is nearly doomed to failure. Taking the time to relax and learn about each other is important not only to show your sincerity, but to avoid wasting both of your time on dates that aren't going to work out.
> 
> When I was competing in athletics in high school, I remember training painfully all the time and then nervously waiting for the next meet, and the profound sense of relief I felt when the meet was over, win or lose. This reminds me of most men's perception of dating. I failed to understand that I should have been focusing on my training and enjoying it (even the painful parts), rather than suffering through it. I think that I lost many competitions because I was so nervous about them.


I've frequently heard it suggested that you SHOULD ask to meet sooner, because you're just wasting time talking online, when talking online is nothing like real life. Anyone can hide behind their computer screen and type however they want to sound like. I know I sound much different in how I type than how I am in real life. I don't get more than one response per 20-35 messages any more, but when I did actually get replies, I still didn't ask about meeting until I'd talked to them for a little while. So, I didn't follow that 'advice' I had heard, but I think it's advice that can make a lot of sense. I think even me typing this reply is a waste of time, and that any online communication is a waste of time for anyone with social anxiety, because it's time they could spend in real life putting themselves out of their comfort zone. My hope with trying online dating was to find people and, in fact, meet as soon as possible, so that I could put myself out of my comfort zone and learn through experience how to better talk with new people/girls (or, on the other hand, get the likely rejection phase over with as soon as possible).


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Yesterday, my girlfriend was home.

She logged into the site we met because she still receive messages. Almost *400* guys were "interested" in meeting her.

Me?

Less than five in over two years. She sounded very surprised herself.

Yes, dating sites are hopeless, unless you're a woman.


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## Isolated Silence (Apr 16, 2012)

To me, Online Dating is Desperate but Doomed attempt to meet a women.

I’ve heard the bad stories about them, and really you have no idea if they are WHO they say they are.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

TPower said:


> Yesterday, my girlfriend was home.
> 
> She logged into the site we met because she still receive messages. Almost *400* guys were "interested" in meeting her.
> 
> ...


 Think this through a little more and you will see that this is a problem for the woman also. Do you think all 400 of those guys were actually date-able or bf material? How is she to know since so many lie on the profiles and post 10 year old pics? Go on 400 dates? 350 of those guys are probably scuzzos but she won't know until she meets them. Well hopefully she won't be doing that now that she has you. have you asked her to delete the account?


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

scarpia said:


> Think this through a little more and you will see that this is a problem for the woman also. Do you think all 400 of those guys were actually date-able or bf material? How is she to know since so many lie on the profiles and post 10 year old pics? Go on 400 dates? 350 of those guys are probably scuzzos but she won't know until she meets them. Well hopefully she won't be doing that now that she has you. have you asked her to delete the account?


Maybe all those guys aren't great, but at least she is getting opportunities, you know?


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

TPower said:


> Yesterday, my girlfriend was home.
> 
> She logged into the site we met because she still receive messages. Almost *400* guys were "interested" in meeting her.
> 
> ...


did you meet your gf in-person as opposed to a dating site?


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

srschirm said:


> Maybe all those guys aren't great, but at least she is getting opportunities, you know?


 Opportunities to meet scuzzos? Get raped? Attacked? Killed? Men don't have to worry about those things. Women do.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

scarpia said:


> Opportunities to meet scuzzos? Get raped? Attacked? Killed? Men don't have to worry about those things. Women do.


The risks of all those are overblown in my opinion, particularly if you take precaution.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

srschirm said:


> The risks of all those are overblown in my opinion, particularly if you take precaution.


 One of six U.S. women has experienced an attempted or completed rape.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape#cite_note-91


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

scarpia said:


> One of six U.S. women has experienced an attempted or completed rape.


And how many of these are due to online dating? I'm not saying it's not an issue, but I'd rather be on the other side of the online dating situation, without a doubt.


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## Tentative (Dec 27, 2011)

I don't believe in dating sites. Comes off way too desperate, in my opinion. I'll never make a profile on one for dating purposes.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Usually the guys that are interested in a serious relationship are not attractive. The attractive ones only want to have sex a few times and that's it.


From what I remember, you are physically attractive. So that kinda boggles my mind. Maybe these guys are significantly younger and they don't wanna settle down with an older woman?

For a long-term relationship, I'd prefer to be with a woman around my age or younger. Since I'd worry about the possibility of no longer being attracted to my partner as she gets older. But a particular 35 year old woman might age better than some random 21-26 year old woman. You never know. That 21-26 year old could let herself go after settling down, especially after having kids. It's always a crap shoot no matter what. I would be open to dating older (particularly if she doesn't want kids. Because then you don't have to worry about being forced into anything more than cohabitation by the older partner) at this point because I want a meaningful relationship PERIOD and am not overly concerned about the future right now. I'm interested in a woman I met at this meetup group who is actually a PhD candidate within my field. I think she's like five years my senior (31-32). If I found out that she was into me too and we hit it off, I'd be open to a relationship.

You might have to date around your age or even dip into smooshy erection territory (if you run into a middle-aged man with erectile difficulties, maybe gently suggest that he see a doctor about his issue. On a site note, erectile dysfunction is a very real reality for young men too).


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> did you meet your gf in-person as opposed to a dating site?


Yeah, we met online, on the very same site.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

srschirm said:


> And how many of these are due to online dating? I'm not saying it's not an issue, but I'd rather be on the other side of the online dating situation, without a doubt.


 Well, there's always the sex change operation. They turn your wee wee INSIDE OUT!! YUK!!!

But seriously dude - the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Until you get there and find out it's artificial turf.


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## Raulz0r (Jun 4, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Usually the guys that are interested in a serious relationship are not attractive. The attractive ones only want to have sex a few times and that's it.


I'm both attractive and interested in serious relationships, so what you make about that ?


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