# My Psychologist Appts - Recaps



## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

I am going to see a psychologist for the first time in about 1 hour, and I'm a little nervous. I, unfortunately, don’t know what he looks like and this is a big deal to me. I don’t mind if someone is unattractive or attractive, but I need to feel physically comfortable with their looks. So I hope he is somewhat not as scary-looking as I am.

I hope he accepts my insurance for the evaluation/initial consultation because I don’t want to pay out of pocket for the first visit. I know he takes my insurance, so maybe is just an irrational fear. I hope he takes credit cards!

I have my parking space picked out from where I went to creep around the office location last week so I know exactly where to go when I get there. Assuming no one is in MY spot (tehe), I have eliminated having to cross the street and being seen by a handful of strangers. How early should I be getting there? I’m going to say 15 minutes.

I will use this thread to recap my visits (and progress) with this psychologist unless I cause HIM to seek mental help after this consult. Hopefully it is a positive experience and you can decide if seeing a doctor is right for you.

Ahh, getting shaky now!


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Hey best of look - your first meet should be mostly around assessment - I understand where you are coming from when you say about how a person looks like and you feeling comfortable. Hopefully this will be a positive experience for you and would be great to hear how it goes

J.x


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

Just got back.

Session 1 - he asked me what I am having problems with. I told him about my social anxiety and body image issues.

We got into talking about how I feel everyone is judging me negatively no matter what I say, and that the best way to not be judged is to not speak at all. That is why I rarely say anything IRL because I hate to be confronted with anything but an agreeing answer.

We didn't really go into depth regarding SA. He steered us in the body image direction.

He asked me what I didn't like about myself, and I told him (eyes, hair, skin, weight). He asked me what I feel when I think about what is wrong with me, and tried to get me to remove thinking about [let's say 'weight]. I told him that a negative feeling will rush in to fill the empty space so I can continue to put myself down. If it's not my weight, then it's my skin, and so forth.

He had me try to "meet anger, , grossness, embarrassment" but trying to to justify or find a back story to why I'm thinking about what is physically wrong with me. He just wants me to think about that feeling that I'm feeling with no other thoughts attached. It's hard to explain, but I know what he meant. An example he gave me was honking at a person who had stopped their car to talk to someone in a parking lot. He kept honking his horn (the other car still didn't move out of the way) and thought about the incident all way home. He focused just on the feeling of anger, and not why he was angry. What if the other car didn't see or hear him? What if the car thought his car was in a parking spot? Once he only focused on 'meeting anger,' his attitude lightened and he forgot about it.

That was a terrible reiteration on my part, but I myself know what he meant and am trying to apply it to myself when I feel disgusted in the way I look. I am not to think about what other people feel. How do I feel when I think badly about myself, and how would I feel if I didn't have that feeling? 'A little better about myself' is the answer I gave him.

That's what took place in the 45mins. Sorry this was such a confusing post, but I was way nervous throughout the whole meeting. I didn't know if he would be like, "I can't help you, you're too much of a freak" or if he even knew WTF I was talking about, but I suppose it went well. He made me laugh sometimes and he has a nice smile.

Sometimes he'd just stare at me for a while, like he was waiting for me to say something... but part of my SA is most of the time having NO CLUE what to say.

My next appointment is the same time next week.

PS - he is billing my insurance company, but as for the copay, he only accepts cash/check and told me I can pay him next week. Phew.


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## sickofshyness (Oct 18, 2011)

I'm so glad you had a good experience. You are giving me a little courage-when I go for the first time next week. Have a good week.


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## candiedsky (Aug 7, 2011)

You're one step ahead of me, I have a doctor's appointment after this weekend, and I think I'm going to bring up my mental health... ask about a bipolar diagnosis, and possible medication... it's really hard to talk about these things for me. Good luck with this!


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## Xande (Jul 18, 2011)

^ Congrats! Haha, it sounds like you might have found a good therapist. Seems like he may practice CBT. Your first session sounds better than mine did( with my third therapist now). 

BTW, just in case anyone is curious about a free online CBT course, google "mood gym", pretty interesting.


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

My next appointment is tomorrow.

The only thing I am iffy about is the fact that sometimes he'll just stare at me, like he's waiting for me to say more. But once I stop talking, I'm done. And then I freak out in my head because I feel like I should be saying more. Eventually, he'll start talking when I look over to a Beanie Baby on his desk.

Maybe he's just dumbfounded...


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## Mia Q (Dec 30, 2010)

.


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## QuietBoy99 (Sep 7, 2010)

Are you going on medication? If so consider other options.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

It sounds like you found a good therapist for yourself. I wouldn't worry too much about him being quiet sometimes. I read somewhere that some people find it comforting (not me, lol). With mine I talk so much she barely can get a word in edgwise. Hopefully you'll get more comfortable over time with silence in general being ok. A conversation doesn't have to be constant noise. (But I know what you mean--it raises anxiety, and with me, paranoia about what they must be thinking about me that they don't want to say) I hope you continue and find it useful and helpful!


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

Sorry it took so long to post this update.

Last week, he asked me what I wanted to talk about. I wasn't expecting that. I thought he'd just auto-remember where we left off and continue fixing one part of me, but I told him "can we change the topic from body image to social anxiety" and he said sure.

I told him I hate the way my voice sounds, that it annoys people. I told him I like to polish up my sentences/responses in my head before I say them so that people won't think I'm dumb if I say them another way.

I realized this only delays my responses which makes me even more nervous and shaky.

Again, he told me to 'meet fear' and get me to think about how I'd feel if I didn't have those anxious thoughts, or the need to go back in my head and change the diction of my responses.

I discovered that I was doing that so people wouldn't laugh or disagree what my actual-self would say, but what the other fake person in side of me says in these well-thought-out replies.

I want people to like me for me, and not for the revised ways of what I want to say in my head.

I hope I haven't lost any of you yet.

We also talked about how I can't think of things to say most of the time. I want to be able to think of a response and keep a conversation going without changing the topic entirely.

He then asked me what my response would be if he said, "isn't this weather crazy? A snowstorm one day, then it's 60 degrees out the next." My response was, "yeah, I know."

But I hate that that is the only thing I can say, and now draw more off of it. I hate when it looks like I am not interested, or just don't want to talk. Because I DO want to have a conversation.

I still don't know how to add on to a conversation about that. Thinking back NOW, I could have said how much I liked or disliked the cold/warm weather. But then what would I say? What would they say? What if they say nothing?

He also says to stop worrying and asking "what ifs."

We ended the session after 45mins, and again I felt somewhat better. I like thinking about what I could be accomplishing/doing instead of asking "what if" and polishing up my sentences or worrying about how much my voice annoys other people who I don't know.

I'm not sure what I can talk about with him tonight. I cannot think of a single thing to say. I don't want to go back to self image or SA because I don't want him to think "he still hasn't gotten over this" to himself.

Errrr! I need some ideas/topics.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Wow, I can relate exactly to that idea of trying to be your REAL self, as opposed to some fake version that is trying to please the other person. You DO want to be liked for your true self. Being liked for your fake self doesn't feel good at all! (I know from past experience) It just puts more pressure on to keep up the falseness to keep people approving of you. Which is very nerve-wracking. But, when you are your real self, over time you will begin to relax and not have the worries or be anticipating bad things. You'll be more comfortable.

When i joined SAS I told myself I would only say what i mean and not ever tell people what i thought they wanted to hear, or, what would make me look good or feel comfortable. So I stuck with that, and people didn't reject me. It really works.

Just my opinion, but your response to his crazy weather comment is perfectly fine. It's just small talk about the weather. I think when people talk about meaningless stuff like that, they don't expect much in return. Also, if you are introverted, it makes even more sense that you wouldn't want to drag out a conversation about the weather. I've had neighbors who've commented on the weather, and I just say "yeah" and let out a dumb laugh, and I felt really stupid. But I think that's just in our heads--they don't really expect much of a response in those cases.

_"I don't want him to think "he still hasn't gotten over this" to himself."_

No WAY is he expecting you to be over this. Don't worry about that. If you want tho, you can tell him you're worried that he's expecting an instant cure out of you or that you won't get better fast enough--something like that. He can reassure you and explain it more.

Most changes don't happen in one giant leap. Instead it happens in baby steps.


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

Yesterday's session was very chatty.

I told him I hadn't really thought about what I wanted to talk about, and said I had been thinking about the purpose/point of life throughout the day (after seeing a thread on the forums about it). Sooner or later, he somehow connected my thoughts about the meaninglessness of it to my SA and how I see myself and others.

We talked about how I surround myself with only people I know will be positive around me, and how I will avoid people I don't know because I'm not sure if they'll be nice to be or not.

I also need to be verbally invited to conversations and refuse to participate on my own because I don't want someone to say, "you're not a part of this conversation."

We also spoke about how I need my opinions stated whenever someone states theirs. It sounds selfish, but I just want people to KNOW their thoughts are only their thoughts and however they think isn't how everyone else thinks. I know my opinion isn't the right one, but I want others to know that too.

I also discovered even if I agree with someone, I will step 'out of myself' and want to speak on behalf of people who's opinions might be different even when they're not even a part of the conversation, much less in the same room. So weird, but I do it.

We spoke about how, if I were an artist, how I'd feel if someone interpreted a painting I had created totally the opposite of how I want it to be perceived. I told him I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone might think I am feeling what they're feeling and believe I share an opinion with them (when it's clear I don't want them to feel joy, when the painting I made was to feel sorrow).

This is difficult to put into words, but I just hate when people do not know exactly how I 100% feel. It feels like a rumor when someone speaks for me or thinks they know how I feel. I need people to understand me to a T otherwise I feel like they're turning who I really am into a false version of me.

I could go on, but last night's session was so full of discovery and irritation. It felt good, and I need to write down some of the feelings I have right now for next week.


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

Just an update that I stopped seeing my psycho the week before Thanksgiving. One major reason was my copay being $50/session (4x a month). He let me discover things with little help (which was also nice). I guess cost was the biggest factor; I really have no negative things to support my decision to stop seeing him.

I do feel better and am still applying things I've learned/realized 2 months later.

Also, if you are looking to stop seeing your psycho, you don't have to tell them that. I told mine, "I'm not sure when I will be able to make an appointment again as I'll be on vacation in two days, but I'll let you know." I also confirmed the number to call him at just to make it more convincing. WHY AM I SO EVIL?!


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## itsjustin (Oct 21, 2011)

I'm going to start seeing my psycho again. I have an appt. this Friday with him after work. I called, left a voicemail, and he called back a while later and we set the time up. I told him in the vmail that I had seen him in 2011 and wanted to start our sessions again.

I just want to cry and be dead. NOT SUICIDAL THOUGH. I just hate the feeling of having no friends. My boyfriend dumped me because he can "find someone better" and I have no gay friends in this part of NY. I don't even know where to start this next session.

Oh... I am also going to go back on generic Celexa. I will NOT let myself put on the weight again. I am going to continue to stick to my diet and exercise and not let the drugs control my appetite. My stomach knows when it's full. My brain does not.


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## Viral (Jun 11, 2013)

That's awesome your going back dude, keep seeing this person. 

I had social problems and I saw an expert and it was really the game changer that I needed.

Keep it up!


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## Wildman (Apr 9, 2011)

It's nice to read these posts and get an idea of what therapy is like. I'd definitely be interested in reading more (and I'm sure some others would be as well) if you're still willing to share!


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