# what about just being a tuff guy??



## ~AJ~ (Jan 23, 2008)

Ive noticed that my brother is way more negative and bitter than me, and yet, he has way more friends and goes out to parties and bars and clubs way more often, and finds it way easier to approach strangers. He tells me that its all about being tuff and being able to take the disapproval and rejection, and keep trying to take on more and more and see how much you can take, and roar and grunt and yell "come on, is that all you got??!!"
His friendships are all about being jealous and competing with each other, cause hes always complaining about them and trying to beat them with all his might at money making and getting the prettiest girl. He never has any long term relationships with women, just one night stands. He keeps getting fatter and has a frown on his face 24/7.

so hes not the ideal role model, but he can just walk up to people and talk, and i need to be able to do that! So Im thinking of doing a tuff guy approach along with CBT, so ill basically be learning to think good of myself and others, while also going out and forcing myself to approach strangers with the only intenton of seeing how much disapproval I can take, and then seeing if i can improve. Ive been told that forcing myself will do more harm than good, is that true?


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi AJ

I think graduated exposure is very helpful for SA, but flooding can backfire. 

I like your idea of becoming a tough guy to overcome SA, without becoming negative or bitter like your brother. If you begin practicing seeing and thinking of yourself as a person who doesn’t take insults, rudeness, or disapproval seriously or personally you’ll form a new neural pathway in your brain, and you‘ll actually become that way. It takes 3-6 months.

In addition to practicing the above myself, I began practicing seeing myself as a person who has good-will for others -no matter how they treat me. I found that developing an attitude of good-will for others short-circuits the perception of threat that causes anxiety. 

I began practicing the above exercises about a year ago as an experiment with awareness/feeling states, and it has worked better to eliminate my SA than all the counseling and medications I’d tried.

It flat worked. All I had to do was practice tuning-in to my new feeling/awareness states for a few months to "grow" my new neural pathways. After about 3 months practice I began to notice a real change taking place within me. Now, after a year of practice, my new neural pathways have grown far stronger than the old ones that caused my anxiety. I’m completely unaffected by rudeness, insults or disapproval now. I was quite surprised at how well this worked. 

However, I warn anyone trying this: Be prepared to go through a crises of change. It wasn’t long after I began my experiment that I became aware of a voice inside me crying, “Stop! Stop! You’re killing me!” At this point I was tempted to stop. What was happening? Practicing feeling and thinking differently about myself was beginning to change my personality.

My old self resisted that change. I went through a short period of mourning my old self. But it was my false self -not the real me. So, I had to be a little ruthless -he had to go.

Hope everything works out well for you!


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## ~AJ~ (Jan 23, 2008)

attitude of good-will for others short-circuits the perception?? never thought of it that way! Im gona do some good stuff

3-6 months you say, sounds like a plan. I need a plan or else I end up focusing on good beliefs all day, then the next day i see no change and feel its pointless. but a good time frame like 3-6 months will keep my hope up


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

I'd like to clarify the process I used to help myself overcome social anxiety:

Merely repeating to myself, "I'm a person who doesn't take insults, rejection or disapproval personally", but without the accompanying feeling (of myself as a person who doesn't take insults, rejection or disapproval personally) would not have been very effective.

That would just be repeating a positive affirmation. A study conducted by psychologists at a major Texas university shows that simply repeating positive affirmations isn't very effective at changing the way people feel about themselves. Why? Because people don't really believe them.

It's when you practice _feeling_ like a person who doesn't take insults, rudeness or disapproval personally that you plant the seed that grows a new neural pathway.

Example: When I began my aforementioned experiment, I first had to make contact with what it felt like to be a person who doesn't take rudeness or disapproval seriously or personally. I didn't know what that felt like.

One of the things I did to help myself find the feeling was to pretend I was an actor playing the part of a person who didn't take anything personally; who laughed in the face of criticism, rudeness, and disapproval. That helped me find the feeling (how it feels to be that way). You may find other ways that work also.

At first, that feeling came like a momentary fleeting point of light in the distant darkness. But I'd made contact with it. As I continued to practice I found that the feeling came more easily, and stayed longer. I'd planted the seed that eventually grew into a strong neural pathway. And my personality changed to conform to the new feelings I had of myself.

Also, allow me to clarify my statement, '&#8230;an attitude of good-will for others short-circuits the perception of threat that causes social anxiety'.

Perhaps a true example will suffice:

Some years ago I was driving alone through the high desert of Eastern Oregon. The road I traveled was flat and as straight as a string for long stretches, and there were almost no other cars traveling on that road.

However, as I drove along, I saw a car in the far distance ahead that appeared to be stopped along the road-side. As I drew nearer I saw a middle-aged woman struggling to change a flat tire. It was a very hot day, and she appeared physically exhausted from struggling with the tire and not having success changing it. As my car approached she straightened and looked expectantly at me.

In those days my social anxiety was very severe, so I kept driving, past her. Someone will come by eventually and help her, I reasoned. She probably can't break the nuts loose. They were probably put on with an impact wrench, thought I.

But I couldn't get her out of my mind. I kept seeing that look of expectancy on her face, and I began to feel compassion for her and her struggle with her flat tire in the hot desert sun. I hadn't gone a quarter mile past her before I knew I had to go back.

I suddenly didn't care whether I might say or do something to embarrass myself or experience humiliation or loss of self-esteem. Those things lost their importance for me. All that was important was helping her.

I turned my car around and went back and changed her tire for her. I even managed to smile and act friendly.

My compassion for her freed me -at least temporarily- from social anxiety. It short-circuited my usual perceptions of threat to myself.

That's what I meant by, "An attitude of goodwill for others short-circuits the perception of threat that causes social anxiety."

An inherent characteristic of good-will for others is self-forgetfulness.

And it comes with a neat side-benefit: Having good-will for others makes you feel wonderful about who you are!

I wanted to respond to your idea about overcoming social anxiety by becoming a tough guy, and by having good-will for others. Because that's what I found effective.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Nice post Woodchuck! This reminds me of an approach developed by Richard Bandler, the father of NLP. If you can find that feeling you describe it can be very effective. My brain wouldnt co-operate and kept putting images of people exploding and devil faces and stuff in there which kind of killed the vibe ... I put months and several books into that and all my brain did was tease me! :cry Nasty brain .. not laughing now I've fried your azz with therapy are ya ... :lol Glad it has been so powerful for you! Hope it goes great guns with you too AJ!

And compassion - YES YES YES!! DEFINITELY! WE NEED MORE OF THIS!  :love

People are gooooood :group AND have compassion for yourself too!!

Ross


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

Hi Ross

I’m glad you enjoyed my post -thanks.

Never heard of Bandler. Any pictures in his books?

I don’t read no books what aint got no pictures.


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## ~AJ~ (Jan 23, 2008)

hey, its just like the story of the sun and the wind trying to get the guys coat off. the wind tried to be a tuff guy and blew and blew and he just held his coat tighter. then the sun warmed him and he took off the coat and enjoyed the sun


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## Roped (Feb 24, 2008)

i like this thread!


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

~AJ~ said:


> hey, its just like the story of the sun and the wind trying to get the guys coat off. the wind tried to be a tuff guy and blew and blew and he just held his coat tighter. then the sun warmed him and he took off the coat and enjoyed the sun


My grandmother told me that story many years ago. It puts things in a new perspective! Makes me think!

Thanks!


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## StimulateYourBrain (Nov 20, 2011)

i love this post.. any one have similiar advise?? ))


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## StimulateYourBrain (Nov 20, 2011)

what type of therepy is this?


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## cryptoboy (Jul 30, 2014)

Your brother have one character you another. No need to emulate him because this is not always the right decision. Show him that you have positive sides and demonstrate them. That can not keep a woman to yourself means that it is inconsistent and does not behave well with the opposite sex. Sorry for bad english...


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## DreamAway (Apr 29, 2012)

@Captain Woodchuck

Thanks for sharing your approach to changing your internal world to support an anxiety free existence. It really hit home for me, nice work!


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## StimulateYourBrain (Nov 20, 2011)

i love this post.. any one have similiar advise?? ))


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