# Birthdays and the pressure to celebrate them (Rant)



## buhlue (Mar 8, 2013)

So i turned 21 yesterday, and being one of those 'milestone' years, i felt the pressure to have to celebrate it. As i get older, im starting to hate birthdays. I hate having to celebrate them, or else ill just be that loser home alone on their birthday.

I also have this terrible inability to keep in touch with friends of the past, so my 'birthday invite list' changes basically every year with the exception of a few people. So, a few months before my birthday comes, i'm always terrified i wont have a decent amount of people to invite. I managed to invite a safe amount of people (from my new college and from high school, since i no longer stay in touch with those from my previous college, due to what i previously just stated :/) Of course, they day right before and the day of, you end up having people flaking at the very last minute (number one reason i hate planning birthday events). 

It feels like whenever i go to other friends' birthday events, they have a perfect large turnout, and no one ever bails out of showing up. I also try my absolute best to show up for them. But whenever I plan something, about half of the people invited show up (even after the others said they would come, then they all of a sudden have 'work', or something, even though most work schedules are given a week in advance). I understand things happen and responsibilities may get in the way, but it just really hurts when people flake out of things last minute, especially a so called 'big day' like a birthday celebration.

This year, i basically had to beg my high school friends (who im slowly growing further apart from) to come to my birthday celebration, which felt extra lame. I kept telling them in advance to save up for it and stuff. They seemed really excited for it, which made me feel happy. The day right before, two of them went out for drinks together with other friends. Then the next day (they day of my bday) I wake up to texts from both of them telling me how they were broke so they couldnt go anymore. I was super annoyed, because they managed to go out and blow all their money on drinks with other people (even after i asked them to put some money aside for my bday) but couldnt do the same for me. After some pleading and promising i'd spot them if they came (which also felt really lame), they agreed to come. Later on, my third high school friend almost bailed as well for no reason. It was stressing me out beyond belief. 

Another friend of mine flaked last minute as well (after requesting a day off from work specifically for my birthday) because she decided to go on a road trip with her boyfriend (who she sees EVERY single day) and his friends and wasnt going to be able to be driven back on time. She said she wanted to make it up to me by taking me to a fancy dinner (WITH her boyfriend) which she slowly backed out of because she clearly regretted inviting me wanted to make it a date with just her and her BF.

I'm just tired of me giving 100% to everyone and being excited to celebrate all their birthdays and do the impossible to show up to theirs, and meanwhile i have 'friends' who would rather be blowing their money away elsewhere or would rather be with their significant others when im just asking for ONE day with them. 

After the bday dinner, all my other friends left (they were all under 21), I went to a bar with just my high school friends. As we were about to head back home, I ran into 2 of my former coworkers (whom i haven't seen either of in over a year) who were very excited to run into me and finding out I just turned 21 and one of them said me 'how are you still able to talk! You should be piss-drunk! Wow you have really BAD friends', which i pleasantly agreed to in my head' They told my friends they were 'stealing me for a bit' and proceeded to drag me into a couple of bars and and buying me shots. They kept jokingly telling me how my friends are horrible people for not celebrating my 21st the right way, but they were absolutely right. I felt WAY more appreciated with my ex coworkers (who i was never even close with) for those 30 minutes I saw them for, than i did with by HS friends who I was with the entire night. They truly added something special to the night and i'm eternally grateful to them, even though i probably wont ever see them again. 

After i got home, i did nothing but bawl my eyes out (i have depression as well, plus i was pretty drunk from all the drinks i had). I felt so under-appreciated/unimportant to my 'friends', and almost embarrassed to have someone else (my excoworker) telling me that i have friends who didn't help me celebrate my birthday right. I never want to celebrate another birthday again. I feel extremely ungrateful at the same time, because really I can't say I didnt have fun because my other friends (who couldnt go to the bars) were really lovely and seemed happy to be there with me, which made me happy. I hate how i rely on the emotions of other people to determine my happiness. Had i just focused on the moment of just being there and embraced the fact that there WERE people sitting at that dinner table who traveled all the way from bumble*****/ requested a day off from work JUST to see me instead of focusing on the negative vibes, i would've had an actual blast. 

Sorry, I just really wanted to get this off my chest since i really don't have anyone i can comfortably rant to. Bottom line is, I hate birthday celebrations, I hate the stress that comes with it, i hate the feeling of not having legitimate friends, and i hate how ungrateful I am.


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## Tranceaddict (Jul 15, 2014)

I understand your frustration. However at least some people showed up and you had some unexpected fun with your ex-coworkers. Hard to focus on the positive things though when you feel abandoned by some other friends. 

I myself have invited friends over for my birthday 2 times since the start of secondary school. The first time (halfway secondary school) was pretty awkward because it didn't feel like the people I invited had a good time. I felt so much pressure to make it fun for them that I just shut down totally. The second time was at college, it was a slightly better experience, even went to a bar with 2 girls. However it felt a bit like they came to my party not because they liked to but because they would feel sorry for me if nobody would show up (admittedly, this might just be irrational thinking stemming from my low self-esteem). 

This year (as most years) I decided to celebrate my birthday just with my parents, girlfriend, sister, and her boyfriend. Feels a lot safer and I don't feel the constant pressure of having to entertain people. Also I don't face the risk of inviting people and having noone show up. I would love to have a nice birthday party with some really good friends somewhere in the future. However I will first need to expand my social circle if that is going to happen.


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## buhlue (Mar 8, 2013)

Exactly, with all the stress and frustration going on, it's super hard to stay focused on the positives and have a legitimately good time. I also get that same underlying feeling that people just show up because they feel bad for me (and I HATE pity because it makes me feel like a loser). I really wish I could say I had an amazing time but honestly, it wasn't amazing, but I also was scared that some people weren't having a good time.


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## Eigth Notch (Apr 24, 2013)

Well first...happy belated birthday. 

Secondly, the older I get, the more I dislike my birthday. Mine is coming up, oh no...in 2 days. So recently, my folks were asking if I'd like a birthday dinner or something. I feel as though it's more for them...which is fine that they WANT to show appreciation for their sons' birthday....

But the pressure...the lack of friends, or something to do. I still don't know how to cope with it. 

I know your 21st may not have been ideal, but you still went out and tried. You made an attempt, which is saying more than what others do, which is not do anything at all. In that respect, you're ahead of the curve on that one.

I don't think you should feel ungrateful...maybe something inside you is telling you to feel that way...and you shouldn't. You just want some validation, like we all do. To celebrate your birthday with ease...like others seem to do. While I don't have a solution to make it all better...I will say I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think your friends should show a little more compassion, and interest. 

My two cents...


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## pjnewt (Feb 11, 2013)

Atleast you had friends come to your birthday


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## karma87 (Jul 24, 2014)

It was my birthday last week... and I was the loser at home alone doing nothing. If you have people you can invite and they all turned up they obviously like you.


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## iminnocentenough (Jul 24, 2014)

I have the same problem except I literally have no friends to hang out with. My 21st birthday was spent alone, and I didn't even have a single drink.


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