# How to deal with a disrespectful boyfriend- What to do?



## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

-


----------



## SuperSky (Feb 16, 2011)

I think he sounds emotionally abusive to you and that it would be in your best interests to leave. Don't wait for him to change, whatever's going on with him isn't worth your time.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

What do you like about this guy so much that you stay with him despite all this crap? Can't you replace him easily enough? In the previous thread everyone told you to dump him. 

You don't want to marry this guy, do you? Your life will be a living hell for sure and then you will be really stuck with this a-hole if you pop out a kid.


----------



## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Sounds like you're with him because you used to be happy and you don't want to start all over again. You'd rather take the abuse and hope he changes.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

You've recognized you're unhappy and you feel you're being abused. I hate to be blunt but now that you've recognized those things, if you don't end the relationship, you're effectively asking for it.

Breaking up is hard to do, but hard doesn't equal impossible.


----------



## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

He has anxiety and anger problems. So therapy, drugs, etc. 

I dont see how someone purposely make a big deal over nothing, humiliating themselves over a cake in order to be purposely manipulative, when there are so many better ways to manipulate. 

Nether less, is it really good for the two of you to be in this relationship when its clearly not working out well at all? Maybe you should break up for a while and advise him to try to solve his issues.


----------



## flamingwind (Jan 1, 2013)

Dump him


----------



## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

Really? It doesn't turn you on? Its suppose to. Everyone knows all girls only like mean guys.

Sorry, I had to. Okay but in all seriousness.. this guy is just rude and terrible to you. Theres no reason to stay with him, nothing good will come out of it. I know it sucks because you've gotten attached to him, but some of the things hes said to you are just really really rude and will only hurt your self confidence and independence. I know Im not the best person for advice, but this is just what I see.


----------



## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm not going to come out and say dump him. That's easier for me to say than for you to do.

You do need to sit him down face to face and have a serious talk with him about how you are feeling. You need to at least get him to commit to trying to make things better. If he just blows it off or denies everything then you must consider leaving him because he doesn't respect you.

Hanging up on someone after being insulted and disrepected is different than hanging up on someone because they are losing an argument. it shows great immaturity and lack of respect. There's no hope for any relationship if both sides can't communicate effectively with each other.

If he refuses to sit down and talk about it like an adult then it leaves you no choice. But like I said above, it's easier for me to say leave him at that point but I can sit here and not worry about the heartache and lonliness that will come from it. Many will stick with a bad relationship because they feel the pain of leaving will be worse that the pain from the relationship. 

That's up to you to determine.


----------



## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies. I think I have grown very attached. I am starting to realize that things between us may never change. I have had talks with his before about not being immature and hanging up whenever he's agitated, but he always reverts back to these ways eventually. 

I do feel like I am by myself when trying to make our relationship better, i.e. improve the communication. I don't feel like I disrespect him like he does to me. It makes me think that he doesn't value me that much.

Anyway, thanks again for all your replies. It is very much appreciated that you would take the time to respond.


----------



## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

A few questions....

You mentioned drinking... does he act this way when he drinks or does he act this way regardless?

You've been with him 4 years... when did you start to see this change in him? Did it gradually get worse over time or did he just explode on you one day?


----------



## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

If the guy is blowing up over a cake discussion he has serious problems and you need to get out of the relationship asap.

There are countless men out there that would act like complete gentlemen towards you. What the hell are you doing with a jerk like that? Seriously it's stuff like this that fuels the whole "nice guys finish last" nonsense.


----------



## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

I think it's probably very tough when you are already so emotionally involved with someone... Hard to think so logically like an outsider would...
Keeping in mind that no one deserves to be treated with disrespect


----------



## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

lonelygirl88 said:


> A few questions....
> 
> You mentioned drinking... does he act this way when he drinks or does he act this way regardless?
> 
> You've been with him 4 years... when did you start to see this change in him? Did it gradually get worse over time or did he just explode on you one day?


He acts the way I describe when he is not drinking.

The arguments we have are usually caused by something that he has found wrong with what I say or do. In a lot of ways, I used to be a lot more confident before I met him.

He can be stone-cold to my emotions. I feel like when I cry he treats me worse.

It gradually got worse over time.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I have a feeling if you do break up with him, you will just get back together. What do you think you could do to get him to not want to be with you permanently?


----------



## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

beothuck1 said:


> The scary thing is that is what I thought of him when I met him, that he was a nice guy, because he was so nice to me.


That's what women said about Ted Bundy. He was charming, but once you got to know him, had serious issues. While your boyfriend is certainly no killer, he's definitely putting up a front when he first meets people.

It can be difficult to let go of that first impression, but you've seen time and time again that it's not his true character, and that's what you need to break things off over.


----------



## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Respect yourself sweety, because it sounds like he doesn't


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I might get in trouble for saying this but.....sometimes the easiest way to end a relationship (that you just can't seem to end) is to cheat on the person and then tell them about it. There will be a lot of drama for a while but then you will be done with the person finally. 

Or move far away.


----------



## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

komorikun said:


> I might get in trouble for saying this but.....sometimes the easiest way to end a relationship (that you just can't seem to end) is to cheat on the person and then tell them about it. There will be a lot of drama for a while but then you will be done with the person finally.
> 
> Or move far away.


I'm not sure if it is possible to transform yourself into someone who would cheat and it is not in my personality to flirt with or date a lot of guys. I also wouldn't want to allow myself to cheat, because then in the future I might be tempted/justify doing it again. I know you are just trying to help me and I appreciate your opinion, but I don't think I could ever forgive myself for it.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

It's just an idea. You shouldn't feel guilty. This guys deserves much, much more than being cheated on.

It sounds like he has found the perfect victim. Someone so timid and easily guilt ridden. You are going to have trouble getting rid of him because he probably knows he can't easily find someone like you.


----------



## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

Don't cheat on him, just break up with him.

Say you don't like how you've been treated and that you'd like to stop seeing one another. Then just stop taking his calls and texts. If he tries to threaten you, just call the cops.

If you cheat on him, it'll only make you look like the terrible person. He'll be able to tell other girls that he was cheated on and get sympathy for it. Do you want to look like the bad person in all of this?


----------



## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

I don't think me going off on your boyfriend and telling you to immediately break up with him is going to change your mind about anything. You've been with this guy for nearly four years, the thought of breaking off this relationship might be scary enough to make you cling to it, simply because it's what you're used to. You need to take a step back and look at things.

You need to figure out what you want.

Forget your boyfriend for a second. What kind of a relationship do you want, ideally? Are you just looking for someone to keep you from being alone, or do you want to be with someone who will support you unconditionally? Do you want to get married someday? Do you want kids someday?

Now, is continuing your relationship with this guy helping you achieve what you want? Do you think how he treats you is going to improve the longer he stays with you? He seems to be proving the opposite. What would happen if you married him, would it be unthinkable for his anger to devolve into physical abuse?

You need to think hard about what this relationship would be like in another four years. If you think things will get worse, you need to get away from him while you can. The more you let him control you with his anger, and the more you keep coming back to him, the more he'll think he owns you. If you don't break it off while you can, he eventually _will_ own you.

You deserve someone who treats you with respect. There's a million other guys out there who will. It takes a lot of courage to end a long relationship like yours, but you deserve something better.


----------



## Nads (Jan 2, 2013)

Stop dating *******s and give nice guys who will treat you with respect a chance.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Oh no. The Mr. Nice Guys have invaded this thread.


----------



## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

He sounds like he suffers from borderline personality disorder and it isn't under control at all. You are not going to fix him, and he will NOT change! Dump him at the curb with the rest of the trash and go find some guy who will actually treat you with respect.


----------



## Eversosweeten (Dec 11, 2012)

Been in a similar situation. I have a RO. Pm me if you wanna talk privately EVER. AND LEAVE HIM.


----------



## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

dump him and get a nice guy


----------



## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

You wrote about him a few months back and from the sounds of it, things aren't getting any better. Actually, you admit that it's progressively getting worse. As others have mentioned, it's easy to come in here and give an objective opinion and to tell you he's a manipulative arse and to leave him but you're emotionally attached to this guy. However, I think deep down you also know that this isn't right. But the question is, are you ready to admit and accept the truth that you will not find happiness with an abuser like him and do you have the courage to leave him for good? 

I'm sorry if I start to sound harsh but I just want to get straight to the point and I've been in your situation, so I really do understand how it feels to feel trapped, and not strong enough to leave a situation I knew was destructive. 

The chances of him changing are pretty slim, even if he were to get therapy because what is the incentive for him? He treats you like dirt, but you love him anyway. Some will swear to you that they've changed, and will undergo therapy and make superficial changes just enough to convince you that they've changed, but once you buy into it, they revert back to their ways. Notice how its a cyclic pattern of him being sweet, empathetic even, and then like a switch he's mean. Well, if he was constantly bullying you, he would end up pushing your limits to the point where it would click inside your head that you've had enough and you might leave for good! And of course, he wouldn't want that, because who else would stroke his ego? Plus, that nice FACADE is a means to confuse you, and to reinforce whatever hope you have that perhaps this time, he's reverted back to that prince charming guy in the beginning permanently. Also, I'm going to assume you have little self-esteem because otherwise, if you respected yourself you would not allow yourself to stay in a situation where you are being disrespected. So in ways, it's possible you are addicted to him validating you. Those occasional moments where he's kind, proves to you that you are worthy, that you are loved. 

I don't know your relationship or the full story as to why he dislikes your family, especially you're father. But it's a pretty known tactic for abusers to isolate their victims from friends and family so you feel powerless and trapped. I don't know if his dislike for your father is legit, but it's possible that it's just him trying to alienate you. 

BTW, the cake argument was really stupid. How he comes to the conclusion that you're selfish from you wanting to make a cake for yourself, on your OWN birthday (a day to celebrate yourself) is just mind-boggling. Also, the fact that he somehow felt it was necessary to mention wanting to be intimate with his ex, was not only immature but really cruel and intended to hurt you. If he is an abuser, they do that to just get an emotional reaction out of you. They enjoy the power they have over you to make you sad or mad. 

Yes, he ignores your call as a form of punishment. Silent treatments = passive aggressiveness.


----------



## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

It's been about half a year since my abusive relationship ended and I can tell you I am so grateful I am out of it. It was painful having to rebuild myself from rock bottom, but the experience taught me how much more I deserve. It helped me grow in many ways. I don't miss him and I know without a doubt, I'm happier without him in my life. At the time, I didn't have the courage to leave, but he found another victim who (shockingly) disbelieved everything I had said, and was like WOW he's SO nice! Notice a pattern here? :O You thought he was quite the charmer in the beginning too huh? But just give it time, their true colours always show Little does she know, that he's been trying to reach me throughout their entire relationship - trying to keep me on a string, in case things fail. For my own sake, I have cut off all forms of contact but he's been quite persistent and has probably reached stalker status. IDK about you, but for me, I could never allow someone like him back into my life, regardless if he was truly sorry. He did apologize but my friends helped point out some of the lies in the letters so just saying, it's quite possible that you will not get a genuine apology. 

So as a forewarning, guys like him tend to come crawling back claiming they love you or they've changed. He actually told me how much he's changed when he met her (right, messaging me behind your girlfriends back definitely shows me how much you've changed  who you think you fooling?). And in the very rare instance, some do, but it is really rare and would require a ton of therapy on his behalf. At least in my case, it is important to not mistake his persistence as some loyal declaration of love, but rather a sign that he has not changed his abusive ways as he can't even respect my personal boundaries to be left alone. He knows that previously, it was hindering my ability to move on, giving me false hope, and therefore hurting me, but he keeps doing it...so it means he doesn't care. 

It'll be hard, and you might miss him or rather, the feelings you had when you were with him. You may feel lonely, go through periods of anger, hate, regret, temporary peace of mind and romanticizing the past. But sometimes it's not really missing someone, but because abusive relationships can causes you to become obsessive in thoughts - having to walk on eggshells as to not trigger them. That obsessive pattern of thinking is hard to break and can easily be misconstrued as you "missing him" but it's not. You can do it though  

I've made it, I believe you can too. In retrospect, it was a blessing for him to leave. Some people never make it because they get killed. Not saying this is the case with you, but it's not uncommon.


----------



## Eversosweeten (Dec 11, 2012)

Some people don't understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship..


----------



## hazelblue (Jun 6, 2012)

Dump him for sure


----------

