# "Don't worry, you still have time"



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I know people are just trying to help when they say that there is somebody out there for us or that we still have time, etc. But do you really think there is any hope for some of us on here when it comes to relationships? 

I mean, I look around at some people on here with mild cases of SA and it seems like it's something they'll probably eventually overcome, and then go on to form meaningful relationships and get married or whatever.

But then I look at some of us who've been here since the EZ board days ('01 or '02?), and realize that much like myself, nothing has changed. We're still dateless with little hope. If anything, we all seem to be in a worse place socially than we were back then.

I'm already 26 and the light at the end of the tunnel is looking dimmer than ever. The possibility of going on to become a real life 40-year-old-virgin is very real for me. I honestly can't see things improving when it comes to my ability to interact with women.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Dude - 40 is 14 years away for you..........just under 8 for me :fall
I have been a part of this board for about 2 1/2 years now. A lot can change


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## FreeSoul (Jan 1, 2006)

I find that phrase to be utterly meaningless to me.

Yeah I had time ten years ago. 
I know my age is catching up with me now and I don't expect to be in prime condition in another ten with the way things are going.

Fact is, with people like me, the odds are very low. Much lower than with typical people.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

There's hope if you put yourself out there. If you don't try at all, you can forget about it.

Even when you do try, there's not a guarantee of a relationship happening. I've put myself out there and been on dates and everything and it lead absolutely nowhere because they were douchebags.
I'll be 24 soon and even I can't help feeling hopeless as far as relationships go. The type of guys out here aren't good....and I know good guys exist, but they're practically extinct. I don't dwell on finding someone. I hope it happens, but I'm not going to drive myself crazy.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Futures said:


> I know people are just trying to help when they say that there is somebody out there for us or that we still have time, etc. But do you really think there is any hope for some of us on here when it comes to relationships?
> 
> I mean, I look around at some people on here with mild cases of SA and it seems like it's something they'll probably eventually overcome, and then go on to form meaningful relationships and get married or whatever.
> 
> ...


You got to laugh it off. Why worry about it. There is more to life than just love. Look to other enjoyable things. If you don't have any find some. I'll probably be a 40 year old virgin but you have to get past that. Enjoy life. Society is obsessed with sex not necessarily love but you have to get past that. Find something you like doing enjoy it and realize you could be gone tomorrow. Rather than focus on what you don't have enjoy what you have or what you can do. Go fly a kite, swim, run, skate, look at the landscape.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



Strange Religion said:


> There's hope if you put yourself out there. If you don't try at all, you can forget about it.
> 
> Even when you do try, there's not a guarantee of a relationship happening. I've put myself out there and been on dates and everything and it lead absolutely nowhere because they were douchebags.
> I'll be 24 soon and even I can't help feeling hopeless as far as relationships go. The type of guys out here aren't good....and I know good guys exist, but they're practically extinct. I don't dwell on finding someone. I hope it happens, but I'm not going to drive myself crazy.


It's good people and not many exist. You can blame that on various aspects of society from the past that have left us with the present.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

I ****ing hate that phrase. If I still have time, how much time do I have left? ...and yes, it will be too late at some point, so please don't tell me that it's never too late.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

When you hit 30, it is too late. IT all goes down hill from there. The 20's are the prime for building careers and hooking up with the hot babes.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

> You got to laugh it off. Why worry about it. There is more to life than just love. Look to other enjoyable things. If you don't have any find some.


I've been trying to explore new hobbies and interests but no matter how deeply I get involved with that stuff nothing takes away the lonliness and emptiness I feel inside. I'm not interested in finding a sex partner, I want something deeper than that. No matter what I try to take my mind off of it those feelings always come back. I guess it affects some people more than others. I know a relationship isn't going to cure my anxiety and I don't expect it to. But it sure would be nice to have someone to share my life with instead of being alone all the time. My friends jokingly tell me I'm lucky I'm not married. I don't think they realize the flip side of the coin because they haven't been alone as long as I have. They have no idea how lonely I really am and what this is doing to me.



> When you hit 30, it is too late. IT all goes down hill from there.


Gee thanks.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

Lonelyguy said:


> My friends jokingly tell me I'm lucky I'm not married. I don't think they realize the flip side of the coin because they haven't been alone as long as I have. They have no idea how lonely I really am and what this is doing to me.


It's like my friends/co-workers hate their wives/GFs. They don't joke about it, and bash them all the time. Most complaints are no sex and monopolizing all their free time/money.

So we are never satisfied, we always want more.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Futures said:


> But then I look at some of us who've been here since the EZ board days ('01 or '02?), and realize that much like myself, nothing has changed. We're still dateless with little hope. If anything, we all seem to be in a worse place socially than we were back then.


its like that old joke about the guy always praying to god to win the lottery and asking god why he doesnt answer his prayers when god says meet me halfway and buy a lottery ticket.

if youre not working to beat SA, then you wont make much progress


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

...


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

It annoys me too.
"You're still young, you'll find somebody someday"
"Why are you in such a hurry to find somebody right now?"
:blah
and it always comes from people who don't understand my situation.

But lately I've had such bad luck that even optimists are pretty much telling me I'm screwed--without saying it in those exact words. My cousin called the other day & asked if I was still with the last guy I dated and I said "Nope, haven't seen him in over a week or heard from him much really. He hasn't been back around either" & she said "There's just nobody out there is there?" & I know she meant it as "There's nobody out there for you"...because she has a boyfriend. She's only 15, almost 16...and has had the same boyfriend for quite some time; they're really serious even though she's young. But she has no problem meeting people because she's really outgoing & doesn't see a stranger. Lucky. :sigh


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## copper (Nov 10, 2003)

moejo said:


> Lonelyguy said:
> 
> 
> > My friends jokingly tell me I'm lucky I'm not married. I don't think they realize the flip side of the coin because they haven't been alone as long as I have. They have no idea how lonely I really am and what this is doing to me.
> ...


Yeah most of the people that are married where I work are constantly complaining about there spouses and kids. They never have any money because they got to buy the wife a new $40,000 SUV. Also, there kids are a constant problem. For every precious thing they do, they do 1000 things to piss a person off. I always end up looking at it that way and I feel better. I have money for myself, I can just get up to travel without getting my partners permission, etc. I think marriage is an outdated custom, but that is my feeling.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I am trying to move on in life, actually moving away from home. I don't know what will happen, but I'm pretty sure that I won't have a girlfriend anytime soon. It's just how it is. At least I'll have cats.

I am just different. I don't drive, have much of any career prospects, don't have the traditional goals that people my age do. And the thing is... I don't care that much. Those things aren't important to me. My idea of "success" isn't money or having a nice place. I don't care about having nice clothes to go out. I don't care about making a big impression... to anyone, male or female. And I don't feel I should have to. I don't give into the bull****ting. I am just me. That doesn't go far in this world... and not just when it comes to relationships.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



njodis said:


> All I see on this forum is a ton of complaining and very little action. I know I'm guilty of this myself sometimes, but sheesh. There's no reason that anyone has to reach the point of being a 40 year old virgin. If it gets to that point then it's honestly your fault.


I disagree. Some people are just that way.



> Social skills can be learned, and getting over this irrational fear of talking to women can be done. I've seen tons of pictures of people here, and not a single one of them was even below average looking; looks are not a factor here.


Not everyone can be above average. Needless to say, it's not statistically possible.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



moejo said:


> When you hit 30, it is too late. IT all goes down hill from there. The 20's are the prime for building careers and hooking up with the hot babes.


I don't want to "hook up with the hot babes". I want to find a serious relationship, and I don't want to be the guy who a woman "settles for" after they "lived life" as young adults.



njodis said:


> It's never too late. Ask yourself what's worse: living a life alone, or manning up, growing some balls, dealing with your problems and living the type of life you want? I choose option B.


If you can snap your fingers and "just do it", good for you. It's just not that easy for most of us.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

...


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Well, I for one think your advice is sage, Njodis. :yes


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Njodis made excellent points and naturally people are going to find any kind of way to disagree with someone saying that you need to get out there and do it. Yeah, we have SA, but that doesn't mean we're not capable.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



moejo said:


> The 20's are the prime for building careers and hooking up with the hot babes.


This is what haunts me, well not the hot babes thing, but I know I'm at the age where I should really be getting my sh*t together. This is the time when I should be out there having as much fun as I can, etc.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

njodis said:


> Well, I challenge you to find one ugly person here (besides myself). I didn't say everyone in the world was above average; what I meant was everyone _on this board_ is above average _compared to the rest of the world_. I'm sure you understand that, but since you want to be a smart alec I may as well explain.
> 
> I'm not trying to be insensitive here. I think some people just need a kick in the pants. You can sit around forever and complain until the cows come home, or do something positive and work toward getting over your fears. It's not impossible for any guy here to get into a relationship. It just depends on whether or not you're willing to try. How many of those people that have been here since 2002 and gotten nowhere have even tried getting over their issues with talking to women? This board is filled with good people, and there's absolutely no reason why any of them should be alone forever.
> 
> ...


I care. I, for one, do not want to be with a woman who has been married before. Call it shallow if you must, but that is one of my criteria. I know I have high standards (IE: I will never ever date a smoker, no matter who she is or how much I like her), but that's what is required for my happiness.

Your aunt and uncle may have married in their 30s, but did they spend every second of their lives alone before they met each other? Most people don't marry their first dates.

For some people, that "kick in the pants" can knock them down a few steps instead of in the right direction.

It can be too late for people to get married and live their dreams. My dream is to have a wife and kids between 25-30 years old. That way I can still have time in life to see grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. If I'm not with somebody before 30-35 years old, those dreams are gone.

I'm not trying to say that I should not have to put any effort into it, I just don't believe that we are all necessarily 100% in control of how we turn out in life. Some of us will never realize our dreams in life because for one reason or another, we couldn't make it happen.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

No ****. I agree with the above.

Also, a relationship isn't something you can accomplish on your own. You can try as much as possible, but if nobody is interested, then you're screwed.

But if you have all the answers, then by all means go out and live your dreams.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

LostInReverie said:


> Also, a relationship isn't something you can accomplish on your own. You can try as much as possible, but if nobody is interested, then you're screwed.


No ****.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Whatever.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

I think njodis gave the best advice in this thread. Some people on this board need to lighten up and not be so pessimistic all the time.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



PGVan said:


> and I don't want to be the guy who a woman "settles for" after they "lived life" as young adults.


This is an excellent point. But sadly this is the only way we will find someone. I know 2 women who had many BFs, partied, etc, etc. They "lived life" as young adults. All the stuff we missed out on.

Who did they settle for? Guys in worse shape than us. These losers are more like obedient pets than BFs. When I see them together the women do all the talking, the men never say a word.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

njodis said:


> Well, I challenge you to find one ugly person here (besides myself).


That's easy. I'm one. I have seen others.



> I didn't say everyone in the world was above average; what I meant was everyone _on this board_ is above average _compared to the rest of the world_.


Given a large enough sample size, it becomes a virtual certainty that there will be some below average. This board is populous.

I don't disagree that you have to get "out there" if you want to make something happen. What I disagree with is that that will necessarily work for everyone. There will always be a subset for whom ordinary measures aren't enough. Whether they're too socially maladjusted or physically unappealing or just f*cked up in some other way. This isn't always the person's fault. One of the tough lessons in life is realizing that not everything is under our control. To appropriate an aphorism from a different area, we may be able to control everything for some of the time, or some things all the time, but not everything all the time. Whether it's luck, upbringing, genetics, 'being in the right place at the right time', or something else, it all factors in.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



PGVan said:


> and I don't want to be the guy who a woman "settles for" after they "lived life" as young adults.


ha. never really gave this much thought. hope it doesnt happen to me. i want to find someone that will love me as much as i love her


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

...


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Right on, njodis; I second your advice. Just complaining doesn't get you anywhere; it takes hard work to achieve your dreams. I desperately want to find someone to date but that isn't going to happen without a lot of effort on my part. I feel I'm beginning to turn the corner and getting ready to start my "self-improvement plan" which I hope will build my confidence. I need to get a better quality and better-paying job. I need to spruce up my apartment. I need to dress better. I need to come to terms with my looks and find handsome qualities about myself. Only then will I feel ready to go on a date. 

Is 30 too late? I don't believe so. I'm 31 but I feel much younger because I've had so few life experiences. You don't have to feel bad because you didn't "keep up with the Joneses" in your '20s and live a wild life in preparation for some perceived obligatory marriage and kids in your '30s. I for one never want to get married. You're your own person and you don't have to feel ashamed because your life doesn't conform to some fantastical societal standard. I really get annoyed with people who say stuff like "I'm 30 and I should be married and have kids by now!". I feel a lot of those people are doomed to future unhappiness. 

As far as being an older virgin, sure it sucks (it really, REALLY sucks!) but just complaining about it isn't going to get you any action. I did a little "market research" a few months ago and posted a message on a regular romance/sex advice board asking women what they would feel about an older male virgin. Most said it wouldn't bother them as long as he has confidence and a good personality. One said it would be a major turn-on for her. Most negative comments I got mentioned lack of experience and not knowing "what to do". 

You just have to go out and try and if a relationship doesn't work with one girl then move on to someone else who will appreciate you.


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## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

I think njodis and scairy offered really good advice  The problem is that some people just do not want to hear this advice right now. I know that I am guilty of that some of the time (especially lately), because I feel that so many things are going wrong in my life, but I also know that if I want things to get better I need to start being more proactive.



njodis said:


> Well, I challenge you to find one ugly person here *(besides myself). *


And you are not ugly, either! :mum


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining..I'm just plain lonely and frustrated. Sometimes I'm severely depressed when I make such hopeless sounding posts. I don't blame my situation on a lack of trying either because I have put myself out there in the past and tried hard to meet people but I always get slapped in the face with rejection. You can spend the rest of your life trying but if nobody is willing to give you a chance and accept you its hard to have any hope left. Some people are able to brush off rejection and it only makes them stronger, but when its all you've ever known it tends to hurt more every time it happens. 
As I've mentioned many times in the past, I'm not looking for sex with a woman. I've survived this long without it and I'm still alive. Besides, depression has pretty much killed off my sex drive. I want to build a meaningful relationship based on trust and understanding that can hopefully develop into more.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Quite honestly, I think I am pretty hopeless unless I meet a girl with SA. I just don't think a "normal" person would quite understand the complexities of my situation. I have had interest from girls, but I never felt like they knew the real me -- just the persona I put on to survive the outside world. There seems to be just an overwhelming amount of explaining to do to someone about my life.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

njodis said:


> Right, well, I can see where some of you are coming from. I'm not trying to speak for women at all here, because I obviously can't relate. I'm mostly talking about the guys here that seem to only complain about how lonely they are yet never do anything about it. I'm not claiming to be a know-it-all here, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way. It's just frustrating to see guys complain about being lonely and scared of talking to women and then just avoid them for their entire lives as though it's going to magically go away. I feel for all of you, really. I don't want you to be alone forever, and I sure as hell don't want to be, either.
> 
> I don't want to offend anyone. If you're actually trying to get over your fears of dealing with women, then great. If you've been on this forum for 100 years and never even tried to get over your fears, then you need to start trying.
> 
> ...


Thanks, but I have my doubts :lol


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Please disregard anything I said in this thread. I should be shot in the face. I dunno what I was thinking.

I'm hopeless too. I'll most likely end up on COPS at the age of 50 for trying to pick up a female officer in a prostitution sting, in a desperate attempt to finally lose my virginity. It will definitely be my shining moment.

Resume the pity party. Three cheers for hopelessness!!


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Lonelyguy said:


> > You got to laugh it off. Why worry about it. There is more to life than just love. Look to other enjoyable things. If you don't have any find some.
> 
> 
> I've been trying to explore new hobbies and interests but no matter how deeply I get involved with that stuff nothing takes away the lonliness and emptiness I feel inside. I'm not interested in finding a sex partner, I want something deeper than that. No matter what I try to take my mind off of it those feelings always come back. I guess it affects some people more than others. I know a relationship isn't going to cure my anxiety and I don't expect it to. But it sure would be nice to have someone to share my life with instead of being alone all the time. My friends jokingly tell me I'm lucky I'm not married. I don't think they realize the flip side of the coin because they haven't been alone as long as I have. They have no idea how lonely I really am and what this is doing to me.
> ...


Gee thanks.[/quote:c1bd5]

Become more sociable. Greet people. It really is contagious. I've started doing this and people actually hold conversations with me now and actually will initiate a greeting versus waiting for me to greet them.

The more sociable you are the better chance you have of finding someone if that's what you want. And be positive don't cut yourself down because this will only slow your progress. Get tongue tied. Lighten things by laughing.

I've made significant progress through this, and if I so desire, I now have a better opportunity of finding someone. At the gym there was this girl that asked if I would be willing to swap sides with her because she said the other machine was sticking and she couldn't adjust it. Unlike the past I was able to gaze into her blue eyes and answer with no anxiety at all. Although her eyes did mesmerize me for a moment which is a new issue for me :b In the past I was not capable of this.

Also the way I view it is there are few women out there that would really match/mesh with me. If I sit here hating life because I haven't found one of the few I'm simply wasting my life away. There are no guarantees I will find her or that she really exists. So I can either be down and sad making my life hell or I can live and love every moment of it.


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## bent (Aug 4, 2005)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



moejo said:


> PGVan said:
> 
> 
> > and I don't want to be the guy who a woman "settles for" after they "lived life" as young adults.
> ...


oh to be an obedient pet...well, i can always dream...if i could put myself for "sale" in a cage wearing a demeaning and sexualized butler uniform i would.

at my age i'm a washed up sack of s#!t who should be put down humanely so i don't have much hope in finding a soulmate anymore. just someone nice and decent looking with whom i can try to create an illusion of reciprocal love.

most people lose touch with reality at some point anyway. it was my worst nightmare but it happened to me: no love, no truth, no life affirmation.

now i have to make the costumes happy somehow. i can't believe in God without experiencing love which has long past me. i'm a dead actor without a believable part.

please kill me.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

Lonelyguy said:


> I'm not interested in finding a sex partner, I want something deeper than that.


Me too. Over the years I've seen so many posts by guys, typically younger, who are thinking of hiring a prostitute to "devirginize" them as if this is going to be some magical change. They'll just have less money in their wallet and an empty feeling as it takes more than just meaningless sex to satisfy.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

*Re: re: "Don't worry, you still have time"*



bent said:


> please kill me.


I will if you kill me.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

...and then when you two die, come back as ghosts and kill me. Deal? Great.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

njodis said:


> Please disregard anything I said in this thread. I should be shot in the face. I dunno what I was thinking.
> 
> I'm hopeless too. I'll most likely end up on COPS at the age of 50 for trying to pick up a female officer in a prostitution sting, in a desperate attempt to finally lose my virginity. It will definitely be my shining moment.
> 
> Resume the pity party. Three cheers for hopelessness!!


i agreed with you untill you this crap :b


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I was set straight.


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

njodis said:


> I was set straight.


Yes, we all will end up on NBC's Dateline to catch a child predator. 
It's much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to work on fixing the problem. I'm getting my life back in order. I have 2 jobs and meeting new people. No GF yet, but that's OK. At least I'm moving in the right direction. I feel like my SA is almost gone.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

njodis said:


> I'll most likely end up on COPS at the age of 50 for trying to pick up a female officer in a prostitution sting


A couple years ago there was a funny story about that topic. Milwaukee cops were doing a sting operation to catch Johns. One of the guys caught was an officer in a suburban police department. Pretty dumb when a cop can't identify a sting. He was also really cheap, offering $15.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Zephyr said:


> don't disagree that you have to get "out there" if you want to make something happen. What I disagree with is that that will necessarily work for everyone. There will always be a subset for whom ordinary measures aren't enough. Whether they're too socially maladjusted or physically unappealing or just f*cked up in some other way.


Well Said Zephyr.

There are certain elements of ourselves that we cannot control. You can fix your hairstyle, your clothes, whatever to help improve yourself. But good luck trying take yourself from practically being mute to a normal person. I think a large percentage of your social ability is determined in the hand of cards you get dealt at birth.

And I have tried, believe me. I remember when I went away to college. I told myself that this was it, I was going to change my life. I made the effort to go out to a few parties and try to be normal and interact with people.

I failed miserably at it. No matter how hard I tried to talk to people, I just couldn't maintain a conversation with people. I was a shy introvert trying to be an extrovert and it just doesn't work. I found myself at those parties standing near a group of people trying to fit in, yet all of them unintentionally would turn their backs to me, because I just couldn't keep up socially with everyone. I can think of other examples of social failure as well, but I think you get the gist of where I'm coming from.

Trying to get dates...I've tried that to. It was only a month or two ago that I made a thread in this forum about a chick that rejected me at work. Over the last few years, I've made several other attempts and the results were the same. One girl back in college initially said yes, but then a week later she wanted nothing to do with me after realizing how F'd up I am socially. And I suspect if anyone else initially gives me a chance, I'll once again be met with the same fate.


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