# What's keeping you alive?



## NE1CME (Sep 17, 2011)

All my dreams are dead. I feel like I'm living the second part of my life--the one after I've given up.

I just turned 22 last week and have yet to go to college. I graduated high school a year early just so I could get out earlier. While in high school, I took two years of culinary arts at a vocational school program offered through the high school, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. 

For years, I've been researching online schools, but I have no idea which one to choose from. I've read a lot about Penn Foster, but I'm still unsure about it. They offer a lot of different options, but I'd have to pay out of pocket. I set aside about $3,000 to pay for school. I was saving up for a house, but I gave up on that dream when I gave up on my dream of becoming a writer. I have a really good idea for a tv show that I know people would like and I've written all 6 books for it, but I don't even know where to start with it.

When I was in school, my grades suffered because I couldn't focus in class because I felt like everyone was watching me. And since graduating, my anxiety and depression have actually gotten worse. Don't get me wrong, I had a job at McDonalds for 3 years until it closed down (it was very...ghetto...) and now I'm currently a school janitor at the high school I went to. I dread going in every day because of all the kids.

The two friends I had in school pretty much said they didn't want to be friends anymore since I wasn't going anywhere with my life because I chose to work full time (5 years ago when I graduated). I still have no friends. I know people say that college is nothing like high school, but I still can't do it. I went to my ex's college with him twice and didn't last 10 minutes without going back out to the car. To me, it is like high school all over again. People judging me in the halls and in the classrooms...wondering why I'm there and if I'm smart enough and why I look the way I do. I'm short and look like I'm about 16 and all my clothes are used from Goodwill or yard sales, so I've never fit in with any group. I haven't bought clothes since maybe junior year of high school.

I suck at math and I'm a horrible driver, but I'm willing to learn anything else. I just don't know what to learn and where to learn it.
My parents tell me that not everyone has to go to college and that it's ok that I don't. And for the most part, I know it. But after losing my full time job last year, all I've been able to find is my degrading job as a janitor (there's nothing wrong with being a janitor, but they only give me 6 hours a week, so it's just humiliating that I even go back there). I, along with 3 other people, was laid off for the summer. We go back next Monday, but I'm dreading going back. I held onto the job after being laid off for 3 months because I need the six hours they give me a week. It's humiliating and pathetic. The only good part about the job is I work alone and never see my boss.

I haven't driven my car in over a year because I can't afford the insurance on it and the tabs have been expired for 6 months. I don't know what is more of a fail--the fact that before I lost my job, I had my own apartment or the fact that I had to move back home after losing it and don't see myself moving out for a while now. 

I know my parents and probably everyone else think I'm lazy by this point, even though I do search for jobs every day, multiple times a day. And I've sold nearly everything of mine on eBay and Etsy and have been taking paid surveys online to make a little extra money. I have had a few interviews at Meijer (midwest grocery store) and they told me I don't smile enough, Autozone, Home Depot, and Walmart. The guy at Home Depot said I'm probably not strong enough for the job. I screwed up the Walmart interview when he asked about my plans for college and I told him I didn't think it was the right time for me yet. He lectured me for half an hour after that. 

In the past six months, I've gone from 110 pounds to 135 pounds because I've been eating when I'm stressed. I'm only 5'5", so the weight doesn't look good on me at all. When I was skinny, I at least felt kind of confident, but now I feel like a cow. I haven't eaten since Monday. I don't plan on eating until tomorrow.




I realize things don't always turn out the way you plan, but I thought things would be different by now. It seems like things were 100% better when I was 18-19 than now. And they seem to keep getting worse. My mom's hours and my brother's hours are being cut next year because of the new healthcare law. 
Honestly, by this point, I likely would have killed myself. I just haven't because I don't want to leave my cat alone.

Sorry for ranting. I just have nobody to talk to.


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## Archeron (Aug 11, 2013)

I really hope things turn out well for you.At least for you college is an option.And as for the job,is more then some can even hope.


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## Letmebe (Dec 17, 2012)

Ok first off I want to set this straight, college is like high school on the social front but worse; but as long as you focus on your studies you will be fine if you attended.

Second, maybe you should be marketing those six finished books to publishers;thus getting part of your idea off the ground and it could boost your self confidence.

And third: I am 25 still in school with no job yet, I live in a low income apartment and have nobody to hang out with, along with legal matters that make my life hell. If I obsessed over these I would never of been able to get out of depression (sort of) and get on the road to recovery.
When everything is going wrong something eventually has to go right, oh and if it makes you feel better many successful people never finished or attended college.

You are what 22?
Hell for being 22 in this economic climate you are not doing too bad, you got a job and some higher schooling under your belt; if you still like culinary arts you can always search out a apprenticeship somewhere. You have 6 books finished, money set away in case; it seems you had a plan but just couldn't seem to figure out how to make it work the way you wanted and stuff happened.

But think about what you do have, and how you can turn it into a positive, You sold off most of your stuff well then isn't this the perfect time to market those books to publishers?
I mean it really can't hurt at this point, and you have a supportive family it sounds like.

I believe to finish this post a dose of monty is needed.






^This is what keeps me alive when I feel like you do, or similar things.
Great advice in it too.


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## Ljb222 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hi , I am in a similar situation to you. I have struggled for many years going into college and it prevented me from focusing and feeling good about studying. I think sometimes it's really hard for people to understand the importance of how much schools and colleges are affected by the social element and about how you feel and fit in. There seems no point to study and be miserable every day and that is what I faced for many years. As I was bullied in high school I had an intense fear of being around large groups of young people and I always felt like people were judging me, it got so bad that I would wake up and not be able to get dressed and go in. I still suffer with this a lot. I am 23 and done a few extra qualifications and gone between thinking I should go to university to just doing courses, as I am afraid the work load will be too much or I won't have the support. Life is a lot harder when you feel like you have no one there and not enough energy to motivate yourself or to feel good about life. You aren't alone in this. I have never even been able to keep a job for very long as I have always thought I deserved better than the menial jobs I was in, yet was so frustrated that I just couldn't get past the social barriers and anxiety I faced every day.now I am at a stage where if I don't do something I fear I could just be like this all my life, so I am going to college in September, I still worry every day that I won't have the motivation to go in yet I look forward to meeting people on my course and maybe making some new friends. My advice to you is don't feel bad for the time you are taking to decide what you want to do in life, but try and find something that makes you passionate or that you really enjoy and try to find a career that involves that. Look at the bigger picture and realise that things will definitely get better and as you get more qualifications you will have better job prospects. Also even though it's easier said than done, sometimes we must put ourselves out there and face our fears and just put ourselves in situations that scare us, something will change eventually. Also you can try to really vent your emotions in a diary and try to find out what triggers you to behave in certain ways, whether it's something from your past etc. a word of encouragement is: don't worry you will find your place in life and something that makes you truly happy, sometimes we must do some soul searching and find the motivation within ourselves to really change and get lasting results, but we only have one life and it will keep on giving us chances and you are very young so there is plenty of time!!


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## AFoundLady (Feb 8, 2013)

What keeps me alive? Good question. I would have loved to choose the easy exit and eradicate my existence long ago. But I can't...and I won't. 

I'm an only child, my parents are going to be really devastated and I hate to think what would happen to them if I'm gone...

Furthermore, I would love to be a mom one day. I guess that is another reason to stay alive. I have a lot of dreams as well. But the main purpose of my life is that I want to help people. I would to make at least one person smile genuinely. 

Life seems like ****, I know. But you're so young and you've so much ahead of you. Don't give up.


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## vanilla90 (Jun 22, 2010)

The need to prove to the pricks in my life that I am in fact, better than them.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

My heart just won't stop beating.


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## lonely pizza (Oct 3, 2012)

I wish I could just sleep forever. Then I wouldn't have to do anything at all. But I hope things get better for you.


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## AxeDroid (Jan 11, 2013)

I don't know what it is, all I know is that when I've done my purpose, then and only then will I be rewarded with my final sleep.


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## LonelyNomadJermaine (Jul 28, 2013)

video games and anime,


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## HM37 (Sep 26, 2011)

all my dreams seemed to have died in last year or two, don't really know what I'm living for anymore


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## Patriot (Oct 14, 2011)

Oxygen


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## elusivecargo (Jun 17, 2012)

Letmebe said:


> Ok first off I want to set this straight, college is like high school on the social front but worse; but as long as you focus on your studies you will be fine if you attended.
> 
> Second, maybe you should be marketing those six finished books to publishers;thus getting part of your idea off the ground and it could boost your self confidence.
> 
> ...


51 going to school now, and really appreciating this post.....


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## shylife2003 (Aug 20, 2013)

Honestly what keeps me alive is just a reason to live. I have an older sister and my mother. That's how its been my entire life. I live to become somebody one day and to give them even an inch of what they have given me. My sister had a child and she looks up to me and makes me feel so special. I have trouble in college with finances, socializing, my grades, but I can only take things a step at a time. I have days where I don't want to go to classes, but I just can't quit. Once I grow older I don't want to look back in my life and ask my self what if I went after my dreams. I need to do this for my family and myself!


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## SweetExplosion (Sep 18, 2013)

What keeps me alive, huh? I truly do not know. I think I'm just too scared to "pull the trigger" (literally or metaphorically), as I would just be remembered as a freak who went and splattered his brains all over the walls... There's no hope for scared little freak who can't even pull the trigger, not even in death... In short, not even death would want me.


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## LolaViola (Jun 23, 2013)

vanilla90 said:


> The need to prove to the pricks in my life that I am in fact, better than them.


I LOVE this answer. :clap


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

air


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

I'm like a goddamn cockroach. You drop a hundred nuclear bombs on me and still I crawl on.


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## Owl-99 (Mar 7, 2012)

My heart it just keeps beating. :stu


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## imm0rtAl (Nov 9, 2013)

16-2013, 02:19 PM #*1* (*permalink*) NE1CME
16-2013, 02:19 PM #*1* (*permalink*) NE1CME
16-2013, 02:19 PM #*1* (*permalink*) NE1CME
16-2013, 02:19 PM #*1* (*permalink*) NE1CME
16-2013, 02:19 PM #*1* (*permalink*) NE1CME
NE1CME, I feel for you, man. That post got some deep **** going...
But, man, open your eyes! You have more opportunities than that!
You know that graduated people from uni/college have the better chance to get a well-paid job than those who haven't. You OUGHT TO go to college. Even if fees are high you can get a student loan and pay it back later when you're earning above the stated amount. If you have no idea what you want to study, well, you've mentioned that you wanna be a writer, you already have written the ideas for the TV show you got in mind. Don't just stay there helplessly. Why don't you follow a career in media production? Consider it.

Also, college is not like high school, not at all! People don't care that much about you and you can also get some useful advice from the staff. Just look for college where there is support for people with your problems. Don't be afraid and don't look down.

After I finish uni I'll have to repay back 27 000 pounds but I don't mind that, I'll just think about it later. For the moment I just want to pursue my dream even if I don't get along with society. Have a go, take your chances, I'm with you, bro!


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## SupahNinjaCat (Nov 2, 2013)

Anime, Manga and Vocaloid


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Nothing. I'm alive because nothing has killed me yet.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

I feel obligated to my family. They have been good to me. I think it would be wrong to kill myself as it would disrupt their lives.


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## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

The people around me and my dogs


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## ZADY (Nov 11, 2013)

What keeps me alive is that I don't want to lose this battle to SA. I want to prove that I can win it, and I don't want to give up so easily just yet. I hope things turn out better for you. Hang in there.


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## Idontgetit (Nov 1, 2013)

My parents, otherwise I wouldn't mind ending this nightmare.


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## Kyle8497 (Oct 16, 2013)

Pah! Video games, anime and the internet.


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## chessman6500 (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing. I'm waiting to die at this point.


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## KawaiiHime (Oct 10, 2013)

what keeps me alive is the dream that i will become one day a bestselling author.


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## KawaiiHime (Oct 10, 2013)

what is keeping me alive is the dream that i will become a bestselling author one day.


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## SummerRae (Nov 21, 2013)

What's keeping me alive is my dogs, I can't leave them!


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

the fallacy that i can work things out


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

this site, the possibility of girls (at least I'm 1/2 trying now), learning about meeting/dating/picking up girls on utube videos, exercise

and sometimes video games, movies and documentries

When I get depressed or heartbroken or really stressed, wow does that ever kill my desire to do anything except be around girls

oh and despite being way too suicidal sometimes....fear of death and loosing everything and not learning more about this place, and not having mutual love with beautiful girls


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

at this point ive lost everything, If I had a cyanide pill I would party hard for about a week or two and then write a note to my family and end it.


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## ImmortalArtistry (Feb 26, 2013)

Music, tales from the crypt, spongebob, video games, the internet, sports, exercise, family, hunger, the future and that I have one semester left of college is a huge driving force for me.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## DeniseAfterAll (Jul 28, 2012)

Byproducts of yeast performing anaerobic respiration


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## Lacking Serotonin (Nov 18, 2012)

Hopes of finding the right girl.


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## Vlad774 (Nov 9, 2013)

Family, music, a tiny hope, imagination.


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## Boring Loser (Oct 21, 2011)

My cat.


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## RenegadeReloaded (Mar 12, 2011)

The fear that if I end it I'll wind up in hell...thought that fear is slowly fading away along with the possibility of an existing God.


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## Greenleaf62 (Aug 1, 2013)

As long as I'm alive, things have a chance of getting better.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Fear


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## likeaspacemonkey (Aug 16, 2013)

Default.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

> *What's keeping you alive? *




Bunch of organs, blood vessels and other assorted things.


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## boas (Jun 9, 2013)

Although I'm pretty convinced my life will never improve, it's difficult to disabuse myself of the basic involuntary human curiosity that makes me wonder what things will be like in a few years.


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## onebigloner (Dec 29, 2013)

the little voice in my head that tells me all of this will be a distant memory one day when im surrounded by my kids and a loving wife who wont stab me in the back and take half my sh*t


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## MrZetnek (Oct 12, 2013)

Pure rage, adrenaline and overactive imagination. As for why I exist, I have no idea.


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## mattiemoocow (Feb 9, 2013)

Hope for the future.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

One piece.


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## bracelets91 (Nov 27, 2012)

My parents.


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## kuhan1923 (Oct 28, 2012)

THE TRAIN

y no capssssssss


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## IllmaticJJ (Dec 29, 2013)

the main reason why im still alive is because i still believe that theres a chance i can change for the better. i would've given up a long time ago if i didnt have hope


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## IllmaticJJ (Dec 29, 2013)

OP im in a very similar situation and understand how you feel. you have accomplished a few good things that some of us havent been able to. you have a job, you've lived on your own before, etc. be proud of that


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## Bedouin (Aug 3, 2013)

Breathing impulse, pacemaker cells, fairly regular nutritional sustenance, strong immunity and a not-quite-_totally_-unhealthy lifestyle.

Oh and not being in school of course !


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## Whatev (Feb 6, 2012)

Too curious on what the future holds.


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## aGenericUsername (Apr 7, 2013)

Shup said:


> Too curious on what the future holds.


I'm with you there. I'm curious what I'll be like when I'm 25


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