# GF been with other guys. How to deal?



## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

My girlfriend was the first person I had sex with. I was certainly not the first person she had sex with. When I asked (after our first time, when we thought our sexual relationship would be just a brief fling), she said she's been with "between 5 and 10, so like 9". 

This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really. But the thought of my girl with other guys makes me feel bad, and even makes me feel slightly resentful toward her.

Now look, this is MY issue to deal with. She's done nothing wrong. I get that. I know that I need to stop making a big deal of this and get over it. And I think that with time I will, when (/if) I at some point come to confidently believe that I'm better than all those other guys. But at the present time, this is just really bugging me. The thought of some other dude making my girl moan, her smiling at him with the same bedroom eyes. Thinking that some of those other guys were better than me. That there's really nothing special about me. I mean, she's with me, so she obviously likes me, and she constantly talks about how hot and sexy she thinks I'm am and so forth, but maybe she thought some of those other guys were even hotter at the time. Imagining these possibilities is damaging my ego, pure and simple, and I'm struggling to deal.

Maybe the fact that she's been with others and I haven't is playing a role in my feelings. There's this asymmetry, and I don't feel right about it. I really feel like, if I had had at least one other sexual partner before her, this wouldn't really be an issue. A perfect man would shrug this issue off like a boss, but I'm not a perfect man.

What's ironic is that this is actually an advantage for me. I know that she likes the idea that she's the first girl I've been with. But my negative thoughts are turning it into a disadvantage.

Anyways, any advice for getting over this? I really want to. And I want to get over it on my own, without having to talk with her about it. Everything is going fine, and I don't want to talk about my issues with her unless I absolutely have to. But should I talk to her? Any advice that can put this in perspective and help me man up?


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

PaysageDHiver said:


> The thought of some other dude making my girl moan, her smiling at him with the same bedroom eyes. Thinking that some of those other guys were better than me.


If any of the other guys was that great she would still be with him.


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## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

scarpia said:


> If any of the other guys was that great she would still be with him.


Maybe they dumped her.


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

You might as well pretend you never heard it. The *brigade* will be here soon to tell you the "past is past" and you are insecure. Normally a certain gender lie about numbers, so that 5-10 could very well be 15-20. I say if it bothers you that much nip it in the bud. I don't know what else to tell you but you have my "condolences".


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry, but get the hell over it! You will lose her if you keep this up. PEOPLE have lives before you. As long as she doesn't bring up the sexual encounter while she is dating you then you dont have a reason to be upset. From what this site shows you, you are damn lucky you even have a gf.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

I had the same issue with my ex gf, who had been with 15 guys (and did stuff besides sex with god knows how many). When I found out I played it all cool and stuff, but it bothered me for months. I wasn't even truly in love with her and it _still_ bothered me a lot. But over time I realized how silly sex actually was, and that all the other stuff is so much more important. Like the bond you guys form from sharing your lives together. That's what's special. That's what matters.

You'll come to terms with everything in due time. You're logical enough about the situation that you will work through it. It might take several months, but you'll come out much stronger in the end and you'll realize that this is just a phase a lot of guys go through when they first start dating. No easy way around it, just gotta go through it.


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## Sindelle (Oct 22, 2010)

rymo said:


> I had the same issue with my ex gf, who had been with 15 guys (and did stuff besides sex with god knows how many). When I found out I played it all cool and stuff, but it bothered me for months. I wasn't even truly in love with her and it _still_ bothered me a lot. But over time I realized how silly sex actually was, and that all the other stuff is so much more important. Like the bond you guys form from sharing your lives together. That's what's special. That's what matters.
> 
> You'll come to terms with everything in due time. You're logical enough about the situation that you will work through it. It might take several months, but you'll come out much stronger in the end and you'll realize that this is just a phase a lot of guys go through when they first start dating. No easy way around it, just gotta go through it.


You are a strange guy then. I'm a girl and have been dumped numerous times for being a virgin and inexperienced. It's like you can't be inexperienced but you can't be too experienced either.


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## Sindelle (Oct 22, 2010)

To the OP, my grandfather was like this. He constantly resented my grandmother for having sex with ONE other person before he married her. I understand that it bothers you but I think you have to options:

1. try to not think about it and get over it. It is a thing that cannot be changed no matter how much you want it to change.
2. Dump her and find someone less experienced. 

What you don't wanna do is let this fester into hatred and jealousy of her. It's nothing you can change.


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## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

rymo said:


> I had the same issue with my ex gf, who had been with 15 guys (and did stuff besides sex with god knows how many). When I found out I played it all cool and stuff, but it bothered me for months. I wasn't even truly in love with her and it _still_ bothered me a lot. But over time I realized how silly sex actually was, and that all the other stuff is so much more important. Like the bond you guys form from sharing your lives together. That's what's special. That's what matters.
> 
> You'll come to terms with everything in due time. You're logical enough about the situation that you will work through it. It might take several months, but you'll come out much stronger in the end and you'll realize that this is just a phase a lot of guys go through when they first start dating. No easy way around it, just gotta go through it.


Did you talk about it with her?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

PaysageDHiver said:


> Did you talk about it with her?


Sort of. It mostly came out in bursts of rage where I would argue with her about something completely unrelated. That was my irrational way of dealing with her while I dealt with my own insecurities about her number.

I believe we did talk about it once or twice, and she reassured me that she liked only me and all that. That helped a bit, but ultimately I had to work through it mainly on my own. I worry profusely about everything, so it took a while and a lot of work, but eventually I didn't care at all about her past. It was such a freeing feeling, and soon after is when I realized that people are ****ing all the time. That's what people do. They meet. They ****. That's what it is. Most of the time, though, it doesn't mean that much.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I would think it's insecurities, like about your lack of experience as compared to hers, if you don't have an issue with casual sex in itself. You might feel insecure that your prowess doesn't match up to the other guys, that she has more guys to compare you to and that makes you nervous. IDK. W/e the reasons are, it's something you need to get over if you wanna be happy with her.


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## HustleRose (Jun 19, 2009)

_This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really._

If this were true, you wouldn't be bothered by her number of sexual partners. She doesn't belong to you.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

theseventhkey said:


> You might as well pretend you never heard it. The *brigade* will be here soon to tell you the "past is past" and you are insecure. Normally a certain gender lie about numbers, so that 5-10 could very well be 15-20. I say if it bothers you that much nip it in the bud. I don't know what else to tell you but you have my "condolences".


This. Women offer understate the number. Men often overstate it.

OP, If you are feeling insecure about it, that's not an issue that you just "man up" and get over. There are many legitimate reasons for wanting to be with someone that doesn't sleep around a lot.

Don't let anyone tell you who you should be attracted to, especially not strangers on the internet. It's your life and you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy. I'm sure you can find a nice girl to fall in love with.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

HustleRose said:


> _This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really._
> 
> If this were true, you wouldn't be bothered by her number of sexual partners. She doesn't belong to you.


This is one of those times when you should really think before you type.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

HustleRose said:


> _This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really._
> 
> If this were true, you wouldn't be bothered by her number of sexual partners. She doesn't belong to you.


There are a lot of things that shouldn't bother us. But they do. Paysage is working to overcome this insecurity, so I don't see how you could make a statement like this. He recognizes the logic in _not_ feeling the way he does right now, but his insecurities make him feel that way anyway. I'm sure you can relate to that in some possible way. Like. Ya know. Having that irrational thing called social anxiety, for example.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

It's just insecurity dude. Your with her and she wants you. If you keep letting something dumb like this bother you, then it will start to cause problems between you guys. Just stop worrying and enjoy what you have.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Sindelle said:


> To the OP, my grandfather was like this. He constantly resented my grandmother for having sex with ONE other person before he married her. I understand that it bothers you but I think you have to options:
> 
> 1. try to not think about it and get over it. It is a thing that cannot be changed no matter how much you want it to change.
> 2. Dump her and find someone less experienced.
> ...


This. If it bothers you so much now, it's never going to stop bothering you. This fear will just poison the relationship bit by bit. It makes more sense to find someone else.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

arnie said:


> This. If it bothers you so much now, it's never going to stop bothering you. This fear will just poison the relationship bit by bit. It makes more sense to find someone else.


Or, instead of running away from his insecurity, bouncing around from one girl to the next who have all likely slept with multiple people (this is 2013, not 1950), he could face it head on and overcome it - which seems very possible considering how much he recognizes that it's his own issue and that he has a great thing going with this girl.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Sin said:


> you always give good advice :yes


I'm really impressed by Arnie as well.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

it's in the past OP. She's with you now.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Good luck in finding a virgin. I wonder if all people with zero experience have this response to a more experienced partner. 

The best thing to do is try not to think about it and do not ask for details. I shared details with one of my exes and we both got yucked out. He had one truly disgusting story. :blank 

With the other exes, 2 never asked much of anything and one actually made a point of not asking. He said he did not want to know. The first ex did ask a little bit but I'd just giggle as a response.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

When I'm in a relationship I never ask or care to hear my girlfriend's past relationships nor do I care to talk about mine. It's in the past, leave it there.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

Not everyone lies about the number of people they have been with because not everyone feels ashamed with their decisions, nor should they. Maybe it was due to my environment growing up, having been surrounded by friends who were either quite promiscuous or religious (sex after marriage belief), I really don't think one should feel 'guilty' about being a virgin or having multiple partners, so I don't feel that people should feel pressured to lie. I personally wouldn't mind giving an honest answer if asked by a prospect. Although personally, I do understand how it's not appealing to have too many multiple partners. 

Anyways, to the point. I think in this case, consider if this is really worth being a deal breaker. I mean if she is awesome in every other way, then don't you feel this is a bit silly to not like someone over this? Especially because no matter how much she could regret it, she cannot change her past anyways. Not only that, I think it's important to understand that relationships end for any number of reasons, and someone shouldn't be 'judged' or punished because their ex didn't love them anymore, they got cheated on, or the relationship was toxic, etc. They cannot control the situation, so I think it's unfair to write someone off based on solely on that, and let it outweigh all their other positive traits. Even for those who don't sleep around, at one point, they loved their ex and possibly thought the relationship would last. Whose to say your relationship is going to last right? So...do you think it would be fair for either you or her to be rejected by future prospects, because you guys loved each other and had sex, but things just didn't work out? 

I get that being someone who is your first, but has had other firsts can make you feel like she is comparing you to others or it takes away from how 'special' things are. But from my personal experience, I can tell you that I don't bring my past into my relationship. The first time someone said 'I love you' was not anymore 'special' than the 2nd or 3rd. I CHOSE to be with him and plan to make new memories with him. He IS special, because he is who I am with in the present and who has the possible key to my future. Why be jealous of those in the past (unless your partner hasn't moved on)? Her exes didn't make it to her present for a reason, meaning they ain't worth it! So don't sweat it or else it could cause tension in the relationship and you could lose something great! So just realize that YOU ARE SPECIAL.


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## Metal_Heart (Feb 11, 2009)

I feel where you are coming from, and I've been there myself. Both as the person with more experience, and the jealous person with less experience. It's really tough either way.

You may not have had any partners before her, but perhaps you could think about the people you had feelings for before you met your current girlfriend.. do you still have feelings for them now, do you still think about them the same way? _Probably not_. It's a similar thing. I know that sex is really intimate, or at least I believe that it should be, but she's not even thinking about what she's done with these other guys.. she's thinking about _you_. You just have to remember that she can't change her past, even if she really wants to.. and even if you talk to her about it she won't be able to do anything.. nothing will change.

Hopefully the longer you are together the more you will realise it doesn't matter, and that you're special to her. Believe in yourself, and recognise that she wants you now and no one else, and give her the best damn relationship she has ever had


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

Tanya1 said:


> She's not with those other men now, so clearly you have something they don't or she wouldn't be with you.


This was the first thing that popped into my head too.

I am trying to rationalize the OP's thoughts and I am really struggling with doing so.

Why does it make you less of a man because you've had fewer sex partners? That makes no sense to me at all.

I'd actually think most women would find guys who have had fewer sex partners more desirable!


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## Buerhle (Mar 6, 2006)

Whenever this topic comes up it reminds me of a cool song by musiq soulchild,
But I dont know the name of it. I remember liking it.

He didn't care bout her past. 

I'll hav to find it, post the lyrics maybe.


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## fallingdownonmyface (Dec 3, 2006)

Dealt with this too. Its good you were honest at least (about your lack of history) as a lot of guys may not be. 
Its not that big of a deal. Its in the past and shes now in a relationship with you . And if all else somehow doesn't work out with her. .at least with your next girl you'll now have this 'experience' you so desire which may help lessen the insecurity.


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## bent (Aug 4, 2005)

Are you sure this is the only thing in the relationship that bother's you? If so it seems like it's not that big a deal...maybe I have low standards for myself, idk. I have never quite been in this situation though so maybe if I was I would react differently. I was with one person long ago who had lots and lots more experience in that dept than most people but it wasn't that serious a commitment so maybe that's why I just thought it was kind of cool and dangerous.


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## HustleRose (Jun 19, 2009)

srschirm said:


> This is one of those times when you should really think before you type.


And I did. 
You just don't agree.



rymo said:


> There are a lot of things that shouldn't bother us. But they do. Paysage is working to overcome this insecurity, so I don't see how you could make a statement like this. He recognizes the logic in _not_ feeling the way he does right now, but his insecurities make him feel that way anyway. I'm sure you can relate to that in some possible way. Like. Ya know. Having that irrational thing called social anxiety, for example.


I didn't say it shouldn't bother him or that his feelings where irrational. I said it did bother him that she had flings.



arnie said:


> This. Women offer understate the number. Men often overstate it.
> 
> OP, If you are feeling insecure about it, that's not an issue that you just "man up" and get over. There are many legitimate reasons for wanting to be with someone that doesn't sleep around a lot.
> 
> Don't let anyone tell you who you should be attracted to, especially not strangers on the internet. It's your life and you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy. I'm sure you can find a nice girl to fall in love with.


Actually, 9 is a pretty high number to admit to for a woman. Guys usually expect women to have been with 5 or less. 
He should get over it because having had sex with other people doesn't mean she's not a good person or doesn't like him. He shouldn't let something as silly as how many people she's had sex with come in between what could be a great relationship.

This is horrible advice. You're basically telling him to run from the things he should face head on.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

First off, thanks for acknowledging that the issue is you and not her. Some guys, especially here, will automatically demoralize her for the fact that she's been with other men, so thank you for not joining the bunch. It's sad that I need to mention this, but moving on.

Secondly, don't dump her because she has had experience. That's the stupidest ****ing thing I've ever heard (from other posters, not you). You can get over this hangup. You just need to dig a little deeper.

If you resent her for it, you are holding her responsible to an extent for how you feel, which is counterproductive. Accept it because it's okay, and it doesn't mean she's "not a good girl you can't fall in love with." 
You're also insecure about how you think she compares you to the guys before you, but she's with you now. Her attention is on you. Why would she waste her time playing you when, if she's been with nine guys before you, she could easily get any guy to be with? Trust what she says. Trust that she wants to be with you, and if in the long run it doesn't turn out that way, well it was good while it lasted, no? Don't let the "ifs" and "buts" inhibit you from experiencing what could potentially be a great relationship.

Tackle this insecurity... like a boss.

Lastly, I'm going to offer an "unusual" way to look at this.
Take this sentence for example:


PaysageDHiver said:


> The thought of some other dude making my girl moan, her smiling at him with the same bedroom eyes.


Sooo, I'd be turned on if I saw my BF getting pleasured by someone, and I genuinely mean that. It's hot. You could try looking at it the same way. Feel happy that your GF has receive pleasure from others, and now she's getting it from you. You're _that_ person now in charge of pleasuring her, and she's not thinking about the others because she's chosen you. She wants to be with you.

Anyways, I hope some of that helped. Best of luck and don't let her go without actual evidence that she's not good for you.


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

HustleRose said:


> And I did.
> You just don't agree.
> 
> I didn't say it shouldn't bother him or that his feelings where irrational. I said it did bother him that she had flings.
> ...


:yes

There will be flaws in anyone you date. There are flaws in you. but no relationship will work unless you deal with it. Dumping her because she has been around is a horrid reason. Maybe she should dump you cause you havent slept with someone else? Yeah sounds foolish. Good luck finding a girl who hasnt slept around nor had a life before you. Running away you end up alone.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

I automatically assume every girl I get talking to has a high number and at least 5 guys lined up at all times so I have no expectations. I'm sorry to say but you opened pandoras box by asking for the truth, and now you either have to deal with it or move on. Its very easy to say "oh just accept it, its in the past" but the reality is these little things eat away at us, especially with the over thinking/analyzing aspect of anxiety.

Always keep a don't ask dont tell policy around this stuff, because its nothing but trouble.

People saying "oh you cant dump her for that! thats stupid" are wrong. You can leave/dump for whatever reason you choose, its about you - you don't have to comply with any rules of SAS members. So if it really becomes such an overwhelming issue then it might have to be done, though hopefully as a last resort.

I'm sorry for coming across pessimistic but to me its just reality. If you're having these doubts now then you'll probably keep having them, unless you have a total mental turn around, which is unlikely.



arnie said:


> This. If it bothers you so much now, it's never going to stop bothering you. This fear will just poison the relationship bit by bit. It makes more sense to find someone else.


I agree with this, once that seed is planted and starts growing it seeps into everything. The only question is how much do you want to be with this girl? Relationships fail, and many have for exact reason you talked about. Thats just life. So OP, how badly do you want to make this work?


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## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> Sooo, I'd be turned on if I saw my BF getting pleasured by someone, and I genuinely mean that. It's hot. You could try looking at it the same way. Feel happy that your GF has receive pleasure from others, and now she's getting it from you. You're _that_ person now in charge of pleasuring her, and she's not thinking about the others because she's chosen you. She wants to be with you.


Interesting way to look at it. But are you saying you'd like it if your bf is pleasured by someone else while you two are together? I don't think I'd like that with my gf. But yeah, her past is a different story. That someone has made her feel good in the past is certainly not a terrible thing.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

PaysageDHiver said:


> Interesting way to look at it. But are you saying you'd like it if your bf is pleasured by someone else while you two are together? I don't think I'd like that with my gf. But yeah, her past is a different story. That someone has made her feel good in the past is certainly not a terrible thing.


Yes, I wasn't talking about "voyeurism," but to look at it from a positive perspective. That she has received pleasure from someone and now you get to be that person.

Don't think about how many people she's been with or more importantly (from the asymmetry comment) that you've never been with anyone else. Focus on the two of you now. My final comment was a sort of last resort, but it seems like you're angrier at the fact that you haven't been with other people...?


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Elad said:


> I automatically assume every girl I get talking to has a high number and at least 5 guys lined up at all times so I have no expectations. I'm sorry to say but you opened pandoras box by asking for the truth, and now you either have to deal with it or move on. Its very easy to say "oh just accept it, its in the past" but the reality is these little things eat away at us, especially with the over thinking/analyzing aspect of anxiety.
> 
> Always keep a don't ask dont tell policy around this stuff, because its nothing but trouble.
> 
> ...


He doesn't have to comply with the SAS member "rules" unless they go by your standard, you mean.

No one is telling him not to break up with her, period, but breaking up with someone because they've had sex isn't a valuable reason. He could be missing out on what could be a good relationship if he gets over this, which isn't even an issue about her, but the fact that he hasn't been with other people.
Frankly, living in a society that expects women to wait on shelves and be picked up by a deserving fellow is stupid, and if the issue is really her number, it's best to get over it because women aren't waiting for Mr Perfect who'll never come.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Are you equally insecure about other things in your relationship?


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## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

probably offline said:


> Are you equally insecure about other things in your relationship?


I don't think so.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> He doesn't have to comply with the SAS member "rules" unless they go by your standard, you mean.
> 
> No one is telling him not to break up with her, period, but breaking up with someone because they've had sex isn't a valuable reason. He could be missing out on what could be a good relationship if he gets over this, which isn't even an issue about her, but the fact that he hasn't been with other people.
> Frankly, living in a society that expects women to wait on shelves and be picked up by a deserving fellow is stupid, and if the issue is really her number, it's best to get over it because women aren't waiting for Mr Perfect who'll never come.


Over defensive much?

I never said the reason is because shes had sex, the reason is because of _his_ insecurities around it and how that effects him and the relationship. Sometimes you just have to walk away if you know you can't get over it, and I said specifically its his choice because its his happiness (obviously). I never even mentioned any issue with her, or any of that waiting on shelves crap your rambling about.

Frankly, you should read what you reply to.


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## Lonelygirl1986 (Sep 4, 2012)

When I was a virgin I wanted another virgin aswell, I think people feel intimidated by people experiencing something they haven't. Now I have slept with people I don't care because I know it means nothing and those people have gone now. It sounds me to that you just don't like the idea of her having casual flings I wouldn't like it either. If I could choose I probably would only sleep with virgins.


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## Anxietyriddled (Jan 5, 2013)

Imagine if you didn't have SA how many women you might have had by now? lets say you had one girlfriend a year since 18, your 26 so thats 8 right there, throw in a few one night stands for realism. What if the roles reversed and it was you who had more partners? would you feel unworthy? hell naw, its not like its 20 + people. Some dude I know told me he slept with 50 women, and still keeps getting them, hes shady though probably lies a lot. Society has a double standard for women, and mistreats and belittles male virgins, its wrong either way. 

I can see where your coming from though, I find it kind of gross too, what if one of um had a huge willy that strecthed her out  It's hardwired into the male brain to look for mates that havent mated because obviously there would be better chance for breeding and fertility(orsomething like that) . It's amazing though seeing how our species has changed so much these last few hundred years. We are now a hypersexual society, I don't fear this change I embrace it. 

Why wait a lifetime for one special partner that might not come? We get horny at ages 12-14 for a reason, thats when we were always breeding in history. Contraceptives are definitely one of the best inventions we ever had. All the pleasure of sex with out the consequences. Your girlfriend mustve felt a little embarrased by the number or she would have flat out told you, don't make her feel more self conscious because of it.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Elad said:


> Over defensive much?


I wish that were the issue. It'd be so simple then.



> I never said the reason is because shes had sex, the reason is because of _his_ insecurities around it and how that effects him and the relationship. Sometimes you just have to walk away if you know you can't get over it, and I said specifically its his choice because its his happiness (obviously). I never even mentioned any issue with her, or any of that waiting on shelves crap your rambling about.
> 
> Frankly, you should read what you reply to.


I read, but thank you for the reminder. 
You're basically stating that he should run away from his problems instead of facing them. How is that healthy? You have SAD, so instead of facing your insecurities, stay home and avoid the world. Do you believe that's healthy? Then why would you tell him to run from a girl because he's insecure about his lack of experience? He can face this because it's not a big deal. This isn't the early 20th century when your grandpa expected virginity from his prospective wife. There's cultural reinforcement that'll help the OP easily get over his insecurity. This isn't a huge deal, and therefore something he can, in fact, get over.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> I wish that were the issue. It'd be so simple then.
> 
> I read, but thank you for the reminder.
> You're basically stating that he should run away from his problems instead of facing them. How is that healthy? You have SAD, so instead of facing your insecurities, stay home and avoid the world. Do you believe that's healthy? Then why would you tell him to run from a girl because he's insecure about his lack of experience? He can face this because it's not a big deal. This isn't the early 20th century when your grandpa expected virginity from his prospective wife. There's cultural reinforcement that'll help the OP easily get over his insecurity. This isn't a huge deal, and therefore something he can, in fact, get over.


Hes not married, and no its not a big deal. The point I was making is its also not a big deal if he wants to end the relationship, _if its the best for his mental health._ Sometimes you need to leave the situation to work on yourself if it keeps getting worse, I'm not talking in definites here either - its just an option, no one should feel guilted into a decision.


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

HustleRose said:


> And I did.
> You just don't agree.
> 
> I didn't say it shouldn't bother him or that his feelings where irrational. I said it did bother him that she had flings.
> ...





Lonelygirl1986 said:


> When I was a virgin I wanted another virgin aswell, I think people feel intimidated by people experiencing something they haven't. Now I have slept with people I don't care because I know it means nothing and those people have gone now. It sounds me to that you just don't like the idea of her having casual flings I wouldn't like it either. If I could choose I probably would only sleep with virgins.


but then you put yourself in her shoes.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

I felt like this at one point, but when I became an adult, I realized it didn't matter that much. I couldn't possibly expect any girl to wait just for me. Even though I haven't done it yet, I would imagine when when you actually do start having sex, you're not going to care as much. Her past experiences aren't going to matter because she'll be "yours" or however you want to put it. It's not some other guy who is staring at her. They're yours.


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## noscreenname (Feb 24, 2013)

Not sure how you can get through this honestly. I have only been with one person and they are my spouse... they have been with about 100% more persons than me. I don't ask and don't care about it. Would rather not know "less history more mystery" I think this is a young guy thing, like picking at a scab obsessively. Never cared, don't care. They are with me now and I am doing all the pleasuring that is all that matters.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

PaysageDHiver said:


> My girlfriend was the first person I had sex with. I was certainly not the first person she had sex with. When I asked (after our first time, when we thought our sexual relationship would be just a brief fling), she said she's been with "between 5 and 10, so like 9".
> 
> This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really. But the thought of my girl with other guys makes me feel bad, and even makes me feel slightly resentful toward her.
> 
> ...


It just sounds to me like this relationship isn't meant to be, sorry. Right person, wrong time. You can try to make it work, but there's too much baggage that eventually you'll just have to let it go.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

AllToAll said:


> lovely post


This. All of this. Apart from the "like a boss" bit, that was kind of lame.

This is a self-worth issue, not a sexual one. Even if she was a virgin before she met you, you'd just be worrying about how many guys she's kissed, instead. And so on and so forth. Insecurity will thrive wherever it can, you just have to learn to overlook it and not to give in to it. It's a vastly complex issue and I can't offer any solutions because I have trouble with the same thing. You are approaching all of this rationally and with an open mind, though, and that is the best possible thing you can do. Articulating your feelings openly and in a secure environment like this can be really helpful in identifying what it is that you're having trouble with. But that goes without saying, and I don't know why I said it. Nevermind.

Doing what certain other members have suggested and leaving her solely because of the number of sexual partners she has had is giving in. It isn't entirely morally unjustifiable but it is unnecessary and, well, just a shame.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

You're 26 years old. I'm assuming your girlfriend is near your age. Having sex with 9 guys really isn't that much for someone her age in today's world.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I find this issue interesting because I was you about 6 or 7 years ago. I was the virgin and I was with someone who'd been with tons of people and done everything. I felt very insecure and it poisoned the relationship (along with other things). I know how it feels. However, I will say that now that I am with my current bf it doesn't bother me at all that he's had more partners than me because I know that what he feels for me is real and stronger than that. It's very freeing. To be able to implicitly trust someone. I'm not sure what advice to give you, other than, if you let it poison your mind, it will. If the person honestly treats you like you are the best thing that ever happened to them, don't lose them over **** they did in their past. It isn't worth it. What happens now is what matters. And the person they were back then is different from the person they are now, just as you are different from the person you were ages ago. 


/Brigade out.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

kiirby said:


> This. All of this. Apart from the "like a boss" bit, that was kind of lame.
> 
> This is a self-worth issue, not a sexual one. Even if she was a virgin before she met you, you'd just be worrying about how many guys she's kissed, instead. And so on and so forth. Insecurity will thrive wherever it can, you just have to learn to overlook it and not to give in to it. It's a vastly complex issue and I can't offer any solutions because I have trouble with the same thing. You are approaching all of this rationally and with an open mind, though, and that is the best possible thing you can do. Articulating your feelings openly and in a secure environment like this can be really helpful in identifying what it is that you're having trouble with. But that goes without saying, and I don't know why I said it. Nevermind.
> 
> Doing what certain other members have suggested and leaving her solely because of the number of sexual partners she has had is giving in. It isn't entirely morally unjustifiable but it is unnecessary and, well, just a shame.





AllToAll said:


> First off, thanks for acknowledging that the issue is you and not her. Some guys, especially here, will automatically demoralize her for the fact that she's been with other men, so thank you for not joining the bunch. It's sad that I need to mention this, but moving on.
> 
> Secondly, don't dump her because she has had experience. That's the stupidest ****ing thing I've ever heard (from other posters, not you). You can get over this hangup. You just need to dig a little deeper.
> 
> ...


These people said smart things. I agree with it all.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

HustleRose said:


> _This has been on my mind lately. I'm secular, I'm not uptight about sex, I understand that people have flings and one-night-stands, and I have no problem with the idea of people having many casual sexual partners throughout life. Really._
> 
> If this were true, you wouldn't be bothered by her number of sexual partners. She doesn't belong to you.


http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/problem-with-foot-fetish-285353/

2 threads, each with the OP describing an insecurity they have while in a relationship. One you suggest quite reasonably to talk about it with the other person, and the other you're essentially saying it's his problem and he should just 'man up'. Now the only difference as far as I can tell is that one of them is started by a lass, and the other a guy.

What is your thought process exactly here? I'm genuinely curious as to why one of them you prescribe the carrot, and the other the stick.

In my opinion you had it right on the 1st thread (barring the insult of course), I think in these situations you should talk it over and see if you can iron things out. Of course if things still aren't fixed after that then it would probably be best for both parties if they split - which means you both can find more compatible partners. It's all up to the OP though tbh, we don't know how good this relationship is, how understanding the girl would be about his insecurity or any other factor in play right now. We all seem to be making generalisations in this thread that a situation such as this is no reason to break things off while it's a lot more complex than that.


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

diamondheart89 said:


> */Brigade* out.


Haha! I knew you would like that title.


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## HustleRose (Jun 19, 2009)

Paper Samurai said:


> http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f40/problem-with-foot-fetish-285353/
> 
> 2 threads, each with the OP describing an insecurity they have while in a relationship. One you suggest quite reasonably to talk about it with the other person, *and the other you're essentially saying it's his problem and he should just 'man up'.* Now the only difference as far as I can tell is that one of them is started by a lass, and the other a guy.
> 
> ...


Oh, you're making this a gender thing. Gotcha.

The previous post you're talking about (which, btw, you didn't even provide the proper link) the poster had an issue with a person's sexual experience. 
This one is about something in bed that makes the user uncomfortable.

Two completely different topics, with completely different responses. Don't make it into something it isn't.

And by the way, I ultimately did give solid advice on the other thread. Stop looking for what you want to find; you'll miss the truth.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

HustleRose said:


> Oh, you're making this a gender thing. Gotcha.
> 
> The previous post you're talking about (which, btw, you didn't even provide the proper link) the poster had an issue with a person's sexual experience.
> This one is about something in bed that makes the user uncomfortable.
> ...


Ah, I see your what you're alluding to now; one rule for guys and another for women. However, the beauty about logic you see is that there has to be consistency in all cases. Picking and choosing like you've done in the 2 above cases is a very large flaw.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

If your lack of experience is a problem with her, I think she would have dumped you by now.


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## PaysageDHiver (Jun 18, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> If your lack of experience is a problem with her, I think she would have dumped you by now.


The issue isn't her feelings about my lack of experience, but my feelings about her having been with many other guys before me.

I've been better with it the past few days. I think writing out my thoughts and getting some feedback helped. And I pretty much know that she thinks I'm the best guy she's been with. That doesn't hurt.


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## Unkn0wn Pleasures (Nov 24, 2011)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I don't really have any advice, :stu other than don't act on it.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Just for the record, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with a woman who hasn't been with anyone or very few people.


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## regimes (Aug 24, 2011)

if you want to keep her, suck it up. the number of sexual partners she's had is as important as how many times she's gone to a hairdresser. she's the same person regardless. if you're insecure about being less experienced then talk to her about it, maybe ask her to not mention her previous partners (if you don't like being compared) and ask her if there's anything you can do to be better in bed. or ask yourselves if there's anything either of you can do to improve each others' experiences. maybe she had those bedroom eyes for someone else in the past, but she has them for you now. 

you *should* talk to her though. it's a relationship, and you can't solve your relationship problems by yourself. 

i can empathize with you, though. i think this is just a social anxiety thing. you're comparing yourself and you need to feel up to the same standard, because social anxiety takes a huge notch out of a person and their self esteem. so we try to fill it up with other things, because life experience is such an important thing for us, because we're so shy and miss out on so much of it because of our anxiety. maybe you should take a step back and evaluate whether or not you feel you need more experience, and whether or not that's more important to you than your relationship with her. if it is, that's okay.


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