# why can't I feel? (emotional numbness)



## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

I was wondering if anyone else has this? what do you believe the causes are for you? trauma? do you have it always or does it come and go?

The numbness is there all the time even when I don't have depression and although depression is horrible and disabling, so is this 'flat affect' cos it never ceases. Because you don't experience them yourself you don't comprehend a lot of the subtleties in human behaviour which are neccessary for social affiliation, you end up just trying to act emotions but I don't think the other person is ever very convinced and seems non-plussed and puzzled when I do it, apart from young kids for some reason. Flat affect doesn't seem to be as obvious to observe as 'mood' so doctors don't seem to take it seriously. I've tried to describe it to doctors before but it never feels like they listen or believe me. Their response makes feel like it isn't a valid concern, but its had a massive impact in my life.

I'm diagnosed with dysthymia with episodes of major depression


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## Tangerine (Feb 16, 2010)

For me it's from childhood traumas...the ability to block out/dissociate feelings. It was a necessity when I was younger, but now it's rather a crutch. I do experience emotions now, but when it gets too much, or I sense it might be too crippling, I just block them again.

For me it does come and go, but also depends on environmental factors. I have bipolar nos, so I'll cycle between a long time of neutral empty to neutral happy, short slight mania followed by very short depression. After my depression I go into neutral empty for awhile, which is when I feel most detached emotionally. 

And yeah, antidepressants just give me zombie mode, so I stopped taking all those last year.

That sucks that your doctor isn't listening. What would you want them to say? I don't think a drug can help with it, so I suspect there's not much they can do. A therapist would be able to help more, maybe. I don't want to take mood stabilizers or antidepressants. I hate the zombie thing. (Then again I don't have depression so it's okay for me to not take them, because it's not totally necessary, so I can see your predicament )
Sorry for what you're going through.


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

Tangerine said:


> For me it's from childhood traumas...the ability to block out/dissociate feelings. It was a necessity when I was younger, but now it's rather a crutch. I do experience emotions now, but when it gets too much, or I sense it might be too crippling, I just block them again.
> 
> For me it does come and go, but also depends on environmental factors. I have bipolar nos, so I'll cycle between a long time of neutral empty to neutral happy, short slight mania followed by very short depression. After my depression I go into neutral empty for awhile, which is when I feel most detached emotionally.
> 
> ...


I envy you your varied emotional life! I wish they would acknowledge it and accept that for me its as impacting on life as major depression, and look at options to treat it. I can honestly say I prefer major depression and the lovely foggy stupor of ECT to having no feelings because then its obvious to people around me that something is wrong. Many times I've stopped my antidepressants on purpose because theres a perverse enjoyment out of sinking into depression - I seem to be able to feel more even if its just guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness etc and I know I'll be taken seriously, its like I can fool myself into thinking they've finally 'seen' the numbness and are going to help me.

All the times I've been in therapy I've always been too closed down to engage and make any use of it and now its getting hard to convince the assessors to take me. Prozac worked once for about a month the first time I took it. Perhaps it was to do with 5ht2c antagonism.

Life is very empty and incredibly lonely, I just try my best to live and not to think about it most of the time. Sorry about being a downer, I'm just upset.


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## Inshallah (May 11, 2011)

Wellbutrin had a pronounced emotional effect on me and others. Way too much for me but might be something you'd like?


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

Inshallah said:


> Wellbutrin had a pronounced emotional effect on me and others. Way too much for me but might be something you'd like?


wellbutrin was interesting, I lost inhibitions on it: I pointed to a woman's nose and said 'your nose is really crooked' with an unflattering expression, and only after realised it might be upsetting for her to hear it.:roll it was an uncomfortable mind and body stimulation far outweighing any pleasant feeling so I gave up on it after a day, I should have given it more of a chance and tried to get used to it. one day perhaps

Am I the only person who has this numbness? what the **** should I do?


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## CD700 (Apr 22, 2010)

upndownboi said:


> wellbutrin was interesting, I lost inhibitions on it: I pointed to a woman's nose and said 'your nose is really crooked' with an unflattering expression, and only after realised it might be upsetting for her to hear it.:roll it was an uncomfortable mind and body stimulation far outweighing any pleasant feeling so I gave up on it after a day, I should have given it more of a chance and tried to get used to it. one day perhaps
> 
> Am I the only person who has this numbness? what the **** should I do?


lol poor lady 
I kind of feel numb sometimes.....like I can't cry and never get excited about anything. I think for me it's a sub-concious thing maybe to do with vulnerability from childhood ? really don't know
When do you last remember not being numb ?
Could your depression have personality disorder elements ?


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## A Sense of Purpose (May 8, 2011)

upndownboi said:


> Am I the only person who has this numbness? what the **** should I do?


I'd be curious to know if you remember when it started or got worse.

Were you being treated for SAD with ssris?

In my case i was put on tricyclics for migraines, (quite a hight dosage).
Ever since i withdrew from that med i have had lasting depressive problems that have waxed and waned but mostly progressively gotten worse.

I can relate to constant anhedonia and lack of emotional connection to others.

I can read peoples expressions and know when things are wrong but i just tend to not care... even if i should


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## Tangerine (Feb 16, 2010)

upndownboi said:


> I envy you your varied emotional life! I wish they would acknowledge it and accept that for me its as impacting on life as major depression, and look at options to treat it. I can honestly say I prefer major depression and the lovely foggy stupor of ECT to having no feelings because then its obvious to people around me that something is wrong. Many times I've stopped my antidepressants on purpose because theres a perverse enjoyment out of sinking into depression - I seem to be able to feel more even if its just guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness etc and I know I'll be taken seriously, its like I can fool myself into thinking they've finally 'seen' the numbness and are going to help me.
> 
> All the times I've been in therapy I've always been too closed down to engage and make any use of it and now they reject me from it for that reason  Prozac worked once for about a month the first time I took it-it was like an epiphany. I believe it had to do with 5ht2c antagonism, but its never worked again like that the many other times I've tried it.
> 
> Life is very empty and incredibly lonely, I just try my best to live and not to think about it most of the time. Sorry about being a downer, I'm just upset.


Usually doctors take the depression more seriously, because depressed people are at more risk of hurting themselves.

Don't worry about being a downer, just express yourself how you feel. Anyone would be upset in your situation.

Anyway, my emotions are more varied now, but for years they were not. I was simply devoid, all the time..now it's just some of the time. 
I took prozac, and it was good for a time, before turning me into a zombie. I don't like medications, I'd rather be bipolar, than constantly numb.

Anyway, :rub


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

blakeyz said:


> lol poor lady
> I kind of feel numb sometimes.....like I can't cry and never get excited about anything. I think for me it's a sub-concious thing maybe to do with vulnerability from childhood ? really don't know
> When do you last remember not being numb ?





> Could your depression have personality disorder elements ?


yes perhaps you're right. It started quite early, like 11.

do you find its transient or is it always there for you?

From what I observe in others it seems to be something that effects most people but a lot seem to be able to flip in and out of it.

Perhaps its as has been suggested by others for their numbness: vulnerability in childhood and blocking some feelings too big to deal with. I read soldiers with PTSD can have blunted affect and anhedonia from what they experience at war.



> I'd be curious to know if you remember when it started or got worse.
> 
> Were you being treated for SAD with ssris?
> 
> ...


I remember my teacher saying I looked sad a lot and if I was alright at 11, I didn't know what was happening so I just said I was fine.

No I was never on SSRIs for SAD (I think for me this numbness is what drives SA) my first antidepressant was venlafaxine at 19 for anxiety and depression.

What age were you put on the TCAs? I've only known one or two people who suffer them but I got the impression stress was a factor? do you think a trauma might have occured around the time to cause the migraines and it then snowballed into depressions?


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## Inshallah (May 11, 2011)

Most of all upndownboi, I think you are overthinking matters and making yourself appear worse than you are. You don't come across the way you describe yourself, you come across as normal as any other human.

If you want to see what I would consider not normal, read some threads in the Frustration-section of this board. You'll probably instantly feel better about yourself 

I think the state you describe is also the standard modus operandi of many people whom are not even diagnosed as anything. 

Like someone recently replied to a post of mine, the mind is a powerful thing, if you tell yourself these things for long enough, you'll surely become them rather soon.


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

Inshallah said:


> Most of all upndownboi, I think you are overthinking matters and making yourself appear worse than you are. You don't come across the way you describe yourself, you come across as normal as any other human.
> 
> If you want to see what I would consider not normal, read some threads in the Frustration-section of this board. You'll probably instantly feel better about yourself
> 
> ...


I may challenge my pdoc's dysthmia diagnosis because I feel there may be a more accurate diagnosis that describes this numbness better, and that could lead me to finally getting a suitable treatment for it.

You're right, the mind runs where you point it. I was trying to do some new therapy on myself yesterday and I just started feeling very upset. I look back today on it with some embarassment of being quite so gushy and 'poor me'. I'm just very weary of not having that inner compass in me that orientates and gives emotional weight and meaning to things. If you had lived dead inside for 20 years and didn't see any way out of it, what would you do? I just want to end it or end myself.


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## A Sense of Purpose (May 8, 2011)

upndownboi said:


> What age were you put on the TCAs? I've only known one or two people who suffer them but I got the impression stress was a factor? do you think a trauma might have occured around the time to cause the migraines and it then snowballed into depressions?


The migraines were as a result of Accutane treatment, which lead to being medicated for migraines with a TCA.

At the same time i had gone through a rough break up whereby i felt like a piece of myself was destroyed permanently.

Depression can be a side effect of accutane, but its hard to split hairs as it was a tough time in general just due to situation, plus may have been exacerbated by the tca (which i stayed on for high doses for a year).

I dont think the accutane and TCA ontop of life stress did my psyche any good though, and ever since these factors ive been well below average.


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

A Sense of Purpose said:


> The migraines were as a result of Accutane treatment, which lead to being medicated for migraines with a TCA.
> 
> At the same time i had gone through a rough break up whereby i felt like a piece of myself was destroyed permanently.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for what you experienced, everything seems to have culminated all at once. Have you ever tried exploring your bad feelings around the break up in therapy? I think some sort of confrontation of blocked feelings would help me too, my problem is I find it hard to remember much from that time though.


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

does anyone know any good PTSD forums they could recommend?


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## A Sense of Purpose (May 8, 2011)

Cheers for the advice. I have touched on the matter a few times but when i start thinking about it, i start ruminating and it takes over. Tends to lead to a more negative outlook that becomes constant.

Something i need to tackle in small doses i guess


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

> Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an anomaly of self-awareness. It consists of a feeling of watching oneself act, *while having no control over a situation*.[1] Subjects feel they have changed, and the *world has become less real*, vague, dreamlike, or *lacking in significance*.
> 
> Individuals who experience depersonalization feel divorced from their own personal physicality by sensing their body sensations, *feelings, emotions and behaviors as not belonging to the same person or identity*.[3] Often a person who has experienced depersonalization claims that things seem unreal or hazy.* Also, a recognition of self breaks down (hence the name).*


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalisation

An emergency consultant pdoc said I probably had this once (DPD). Although there are no ways to treat it yet I don't feel its sufferers should not be taken seriously, its just a very hard thing to describe, and a lot of people seem to find the notion of it hard to believe. I'm actually surprised more people on an anxiety site like this don't seem to have it.

Although they say it doesn't work for depersonalisation, after my 4th or 5th ECT it went away very briefly- that is an amazing thing when you consider how hard it is to treat. I'll tell my consultant about it and enquire whether perhaps he would be happy with me having another course.

Just to give anyone else hope out there: IME Prozac and ECT on different occassions have dealt with it, for different lengths of time.


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## robotaffliction (Jul 24, 2009)

upndownboi said:


> wellbutrin was interesting, I lost inhibitions on it: I pointed to a woman's nose and said 'your nose is really crooked' with an unflattering expression, and only after realised it might be upsetting for her to hear it.:roll it was an uncomfortable mind and body stimulation far outweighing any pleasant feeling so I gave up on it after a day, I should have given it more of a chance and tried to get used to it. one day perhaps
> 
> Am I the only person who has this numbness? what the **** should I do?


Have you tried the low dose amisulpride (50mg or less a day)? It is supposed to really help the numbness of dysthymia.. it's next on my to-do list.. or how about this new agomelatine? that's a 5-HT2C antagonist and melatonin agonist that seems really good for dysthymia too


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## CD700 (Apr 22, 2010)

I feel my panic attacks have morphed into some kind of Depersonalization feeling. Used to be that I just thought I was going to die. Now I don't get that at all but more a weird flood of memories of people I know and things that never happened. It's strange as hell but I can't say it's the worst feeling.....just weird


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

robotaffliction said:


> Have you tried the low dose amisulpride (50mg or less a day)? It is supposed to really help the numbness of dysthymia.. it's next on my to-do list.. or how about this new agomelatine? that's a 5-HT2C antagonist and melatonin agonist that seems really good for dysthymia too


cool I'll mention it to my pdoc and see what he says about it (amisulpride). I'm already taking agomelatine with my parnate, ago is nice-mild, ensures good sleep, I'm not sure about much of a 5ht2c benefit for me though.

I think for me, unfortunately, I'll have to take the long, hard, road of therapy to address this.

(I didn't realise, but I posted a similar thread last year on this topic). I think I'll stick to this forum, they're a right barrel of laughs and hope over at dpselfhelp.com :roll


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## robotaffliction (Jul 24, 2009)

upndownboi said:


> cool I'll mention it to my pdoc and see what he says about it (amisulpride). I'm already taking agomelatine with my parnate, ago is nice-mild, ensures good sleep, I'm not sure about much of a 5ht2c benefit for me though.
> 
> I think for me, unfortunately, I'll have to take the long, hard, road of therapy to address this.
> 
> (I didn't realise, but I posted a similar thread last year on this topic).


I'm in therapy too. You gotta really direct the focus for your therapy towards the issues that you need to deal with.. therapists tend to focus on the social anxiety since that's the easiest to work with as a therapist, but if you have issues that are bothering you you should take an active role in focusing the dialogue towards those things.


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## Crushed Circuits (Jun 14, 2013)

Well I had many paranormal experiences as a child and just recently blew up at a friend for being irrational. ever since that I've been numb to any positive emotion. everything causes a fit of anger that I can barely control. and I am unable to focus like I was able to only a week ago. I've had a crush on a girl for a year straight and I think that maybe thinking about her too much I somehow caused myself to become numb... but that makes almost no sense. I have no idea why this has happened and this is starting to get annoying. and being pissed off is the last thing I need. I get anxious in quiet environments and when alone. this is due to my worst paranormal experience. I need to find an answer to my emotional numbness before the 15th of this month. if anyone has an answer please help me.


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## breathingspace (Apr 13, 2013)

I have this emotional numbness for a couple of weeks now. It's driving me insane.
I'm starting to doubt whether or not I'm the emotional person who I always thought to be (and feel proud of). If I drink alcohol or take benzodiazepines I'm better for the next day, it's like these provide me temporarily relief from the everyday stress so I can charge myself (emotionally) again... It's very weird.

I do believe, as others have said, that it's a result of experiencing too much traumatic events at once so that the brain needs to protect itself.

I kind of envy those who don't need any sort of drug to get them through life, but then again: maybe these people are so coveted in their 'veil of happiness' that I perhaps should feel sorry for them...

Who is truly alive? That's what I keep asking myself.

And if I am, then who is the real me; the me that blocks himself out if he can't sedate himself from time to time, or the me who gets strung out if he tries to experience life always sober (but can't cope with it).


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## Caedmon (Dec 14, 2003)

Most low-energy introverts have a blunted affect. We tend to internalize and withdraw. Affect is something that naturally emerges as a social cue. If you are not engaged with others, and withdraw, your emotional expression may follow suit. That's one angle I view it from anyway. 

It can of course be a medication side effect.

Blunted affect can also be confused with the "freezing" aspect of anxiety. It can be hard to even move your facial muscles because they become so tense. If you tense the muscles involved in vocalization you can end up with monotone pitch when speaking. Or at least, these things happen to me.


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## fineline (Oct 21, 2011)

i cryed today without feeling sad about anything. tears just came out of my eyes. weird. i think it is emotional bluntness tho, so i know what you mean.

my medications and stuff are listed in my sig.


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