# I want to tell my mom how much I hate her



## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

She kept me well fed, clothes on my back, and was generally positive and supportive when it came to school, etc.....

But shes a huge reason why I'm 33 and never had a GF, she did all kinds of stuff real bad when it came to all that stuff, combined with no father growing up......I'm not getting into it now, but she messed me up in a lot of ways. AND I HATE HER FOR IT.....but I never tell her. And worse, I'm so poor, I don't want to risk birthday/christmas money, and the few things my parents help me with sometimes, by telling them to go drop dead. I'm really distant most of the time, I never call, barely email....why does she think that, idk.

I have a huge amount of built up hatred and rage from all directions over my life. I just feel that if I could tell my mom I hated the way she raised me, and some of the things she put me through as a kid, and how much I hate her for somethings......It would help me get over some of it, leave the past, move on.


And I imagine her dying in hospital, asking 'was I a good mom', and me all nervous wanting to scream NO at her, and make her feel bad she screwed me up so bad. I seriously wish I had any number of other mothers from my hometown, some of whom I was raised to think were bad people.....but all their kids learned real life skills, and normal relations with people and the opposite sex. Its safe to say I'm 1 of the most dysfunctional people from my hometown


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## Alienated (Apr 17, 2013)

Damn man.... I can relate to that so much...

But my mom is dead, and yes I am still screwed up from her.... But I look at it like a blessing now... It's kept me from falling for someone just like her, another control freak !!


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't do it man, you'll regret it. I know what it's like to feel hatred for someone like that but it will just bring you tons of problems. Can't you get some professional help for your anger problems?


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

I can relate a lot. She always meant well but she ****ed me up.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

I have a very difficult, controlling and deceptive mother myself, her personality getting gradually worse now as time goes on. I and all of my siblings and even in-laws despise her. We would do everything in our power to not have to see her or interact with her as little as possible to this day. 

However, she tried her best to be a good mother growing up. But with her far from being the smartest bulb in the bunch common sense wise, she really didn't know how to get along with us when raising us other than the simple basic needs. Though to me, she definitely didn't screw us up raising us. Her difficult side didn't really showed up until we were in our late teens. Now she's kind of that mountain lion that the whole family tries to avoid or take caution of when around. 

And pls don't say that to her when she's on her deathbed. You're only feel guilty for it afterwards, while her last memory of her life would be a bad one.


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## Terranaut (Jul 11, 2013)

Sometimes I hate my mother too. Sometimes I sorta love her. But she is so repressed, she can't show love. Hugging her is like hugging an empty barrel. She's not cruel--rarely hostile. But she's 80 now and falling apart and even to this day she'll put less credit in my attempts to bond with her than she puts in tel-evangelists yammering about the same old religious horse shi+. It rankles me. What bugs me the most is that she had so many children so young with me being the first. She knew nothing about anything. And she knew during being pregnant with me that my dad was a dud--an unreliable alcoholic. Yet she dumped out 7 more kids with him. Even today she doesn't know what passive-aggression means but she beat me mercilessly as a child over my sisters passive aggressive war on me to get he little pleasures by seeing me being hurt and beaten. My sister even manipulated my uncle into assaulting me at 10 years of age--it was a crime which he could never undo.

And mom didn't believe in breast feeding which there is evidence for it having something to do with kids not getting necessary colostrum and failing to develop proper appetite regulators. She medicated me with food and bottles so that by the time I was 6 months I was a fat little porker. And I think that issue had a lot to do why no one else in the family looked at me like I was important--that I was the first of a big generation and it would be important for me to succeed and be someone. I didn't get to go to college. When an uncle gave us a used car, it didn't go to me, it went to my 2nd younger brother just because he looked a little more aggressive and wasn't obese. That's a real ego kicker. 

My mom will bale me out of financial jams with a litttle money here and there which I pay back. But she has never apologized for anything ever--never said she was wrong or sorry in any way ever about anything. And she was very wrong, very often and it resulted in a beating or some hurt. I've suffered for 39 years with spinal stenosis, Yet each time it comes up she acts like she's hearing of it for the first time. I worked through it for 25 years because of our poverty but it doesn't occur that I'm disabled because I hurt all the time in multiple places that rob me of sleep. To her, I'm disabled because "it's all in my head. And I resent that. I've only recently gotten the propper diagnosis and they say I have it very bad and how I have already had surgery they don't know. I've been a hard worker and never brought the police on myself or hurt anyone. Yet, I don't seem to matter that much except to be fed. She took me in after I had drug problems but I paid rent--I expected to at least do that, but it just bugs me that I'm not important enough to bong with and get it through her skull that there was so much I sacrificed to not be a bother to her. I deserve some real communication and the decency of an admission that being a mom is more than pumping out the babies of an unrepentant Irish drunk.


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## firestar (Jun 27, 2009)

I've done that and it doesn't end well.

My problem with my horrible mother is that she doesn't care. She's not capable of caring. She's not capable of understanding how she screwed me up. I can yell at her all day and she will remain confident that she's right. So yelling at her is a waste of time.

I got into an argument with her the last time I saw her. I wanted to start screaming at her and then I stopped cold. _Why am I even bothering? _I thought to myself. _She means nothing to me. _So I stopped and walked away. Later, I just shrugged and told her, "You were right," even though I didn't believe that. 
Maybe it's a cruel thing to say, but I honestly believe my mother doesn't care at all about me. All of my communication with my parents goes through my dad. My mom is a narcissist who did the bare minimum required to raise me and now that I'm out of the house, barely bothers to maintain a relationship with me.

I think this will go easier for you if you give yourself permission to disengage from her emotionally. There's a lot of societal pressure to idolize mothers, but try to ignore it and allow yourself not to care. Admit to yourself that there's nothing between you, that in some ways it's like you don't even have a mother. In my experience, apathy is a lot more effective than anger.


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## Ivywinds (Mar 8, 2012)

I can understand. Sometimes parents 'hurt with kindness' so to speak. Sometimes they can be the reason why their child doesn't move on to the next stage in life.. Controlling parents can be the biggest pain ever, I have so much anxiety because of them.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

I hate my mom sometimes. She's very annoying.


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## LastPinkGiant (Dec 4, 2013)

HanSolo said:


> She kept me well fed, clothes on my back, and was generally positive and supportive when it came to school, etc.....


At least you had that. No one at all in my family ever was supportive of anything I ever did. My mother is a HUGE reason my SA got worst as I got older and why my life is messed up now but I would never tell her I hate her. Just remember that you can't take it back once you say it.


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

It might help you to do some writing about it.


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## BattyOldMaid (Feb 16, 2014)

You'd still feel anger if you did, either because she will claim she had no idea what she did was wrong, utter denial or just had no idea. My in laws are difficult people with warped views/opinions and treated me badly. Husband didn't want to confront him. After 10 years I decided to tell him and his miserable wife what I thought about them and how much I hated them. It went pear shaped and left me feeling so much worse and stupid. They insisted they had no idea what I was talking about, that I had imagined them hurting their grandchildren, that I misunderstood their barbed insults towards me and their grandchildren. Despite his 2 sisters hating him for his "i know best" personality they sided with him cutting me out (we were on friendly terms) and told the rest of the family I had mental health problems and was malicious.

I was the one that lost. Please, just let it go, it won't come out how you wanted, she will just turn it against you.


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## Pierre1 (Apr 25, 2013)

I hate my mum too sooner she dies the better...the *****!


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

I feel bad that I hate her in ways........probably part of the reason I distance myself from them so much


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## Ms Yesterday (Jan 28, 2013)

Unless she actually deserves your hatred don't tell her. 
What exactly would it achieve other than you venting out your rage?


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## brooke_brigham (Nov 28, 2013)

Could the haters please provide a little feedback?

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f265/please-give-advice-to-the-moms-874993/#post1070549049


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

BattyOldMaid said:


> You'd still feel anger if you did, either because s*he will claim she had no idea what she did was wrong, utter denial* or just had no idea...
> 
> They insisted they had no idea what I was talking about, *that I had imagined them hurting* their grandchildren, *that I misunderstood their barbed insults* towards me and their grandchildren. Despite his 2 sisters hating him for his "i know best" personality *they sided with him cutting me out *(we were on friendly terms) and *told the rest of the family I had mental health problems and was malicious.*
> 
> I was the one that lost. Please, just let it go, it won't come out how you wanted, she will just turn it against you.


Yeah it can really go badly speaking out if you have something to lose or don't have back up.


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't hate my mum but I can relate to what a lot of you guys are saying. It's okay to not love your parents.


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## Salvador Dali (Oct 26, 2013)

Yeah, I hear ya. My mother was good to point that she didn't throw me in a ditch at birth and at least bothered to feed and care for me. But I don't feel like I've ever gotten any kind of support from her other than that. She home schooled me my entire life so my social interactions from a child up to now have been almost nil.

She's been very controlling my entire life and I've got a searing amount of rage just bottled up, wishing I could take it out on her. I often feel that if it weren't for her over-protecting and preventing me from ever having a social life, I wouldn't be the mess that I am today. I never had a choice in the matter whether to go to school or not, so I can't help but hold that against her.

The few times I have snapped at her, she's gets more furious than I do and basically just tells me how she's been such a wonderful mother. Death and suicide threats are often commonplace on her part when we get into arguments when she doesn't want to admit or agree to something, or she just doesn't like something I've said.
I think that's probably the most frustrating part, the fact that no matter how many arguments I have with her, pleading her to give me more freedom or be slightly less controlling, they never go any where because they always just hit the dead end with her threatening/blackmailing me. So the age ol' "just talk to her about it" is not an option, it's not possible to reason with her.

/rant


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

totally understand, and i have stood up for myself and told her the truth, explained to her where she went wrong.


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## invisibleisadora (Mar 3, 2014)

I know how much my mom work hard to raise me up well and to give a good life but I can't deny , she screwed me up a lot. I've gone through so many hard situations because of my mother ... The worst part is that she've never known how to support me , I feel like I'm all alone in this world since of when my grandma passed by. It's really bad for a teenage with social anxiety.


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