# Crippling inferiority complex damaged my personality



## childishgambino (Apr 18, 2012)

Male, 23

After giving it some thought (I always change my mind about which one it is), I realized that the cause for all of my anxieties, the depression, the phobias, the low self esteem, the avoidance, the procrastination, the emotional attachment issues, the intimacy issues, the love shyness, is in fact a gigantic and crippling INFERIORITY COMPLEX, developed in early childhood, growing up in a school filled with wealthy children, with strong personalities, from a poor family, with a distant, self conscious and anti social father, who was ashamed of our home, and instilled that shame into me. I am now looking in the mirror and consider myself to be the lowest form of human life. Every other man or woman is better than me. HOW THE F*** DO YOU CURE THIS? 
I am ugly, always was so this doesn't help either, even though women seem to be more interested in me, as of lately. 

Short story: I was with a girl a few weeks ago, a girl that reminded me of the prettiest girl in class from grade school, a girl I had a crush on, but because of my social status, I would have never dreamed of getting someone like her. And because she reminded me of this girl, I felt so inferior, and instead of acting the way I should have (she was REALLY REALLY into me) I got scared, and even though we kissed, I never took it further. And then, completely blew it with my awkwardness. Plus she lived by herself in a really big, nice house, which made it even worse for me (made me feel more inferior).

So, any ideas? Therapy, meds? WTF? I need to get over this s*** it has been going on for too long...

Thank you.


----------



## Stanley Schwarz (Apr 18, 2012)

What?!

Hi, I think you need to see what you are typing. 
1. I am ugly...
2. even though women seem to be more interested in me, as of lately...

Contradiction, no? I think you are experiencing this psychological phenomenal known as *Semmelweis reflex. *And before you ask, I'll tell you what is it. It's basically the tendency to reject evidence (women interested in you) so as to preserve an existing paradigm (you are ugly).

You are right that you do have inferiority complex. But let's just give you a brief outlook on what's going on with you.

You hold beliefs which are self-defeating. 
1. consider myself to be the lowest form of human life -> You are the most worthless person. 
2. wealthy children, ... from a poor family, -> Your worth is measured primarily by your wealth.

These are my two cents worth. Of course, you are free to contradict me. And I must say, it's good that you are taking some actions. But you might want to start with CBT, or at least the cognitive part of CBT. I think the cognitive part would point you to the right direction to removing your inferiority complex. Most of it, I sense, stem from damaging beliefs, beliefs you have unknowingly picked up and adopted as your own.

I have a list of techniques that you can try out and explore on your own:
http://socialphobics.com/overcome-social-anxiety/
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/anxiety-techniques-111728/
They are excellent resources, as far as free ones goes. But even without social anxiety, I think you will benefit from some of the cognitive techniques there.

Well, I hope this helps


----------



## childishgambino (Apr 18, 2012)

Thank you for your elaborate response, Stanley Schwarz

Regarding the first point you have made, that's why I put the "even though" there. I can acknowledge the fact that women show interest. It may have something to do with my gaining money recently, perhaps even my nice looking car. Not with the way I look and definitely not with the way I act. And even if I was better looking than I thought I was, it still wouldn't matter as I have developed numerous conditions throughout the years because of being shy and feeling inferior to everyone else. The most impairing of them all when talking about romantic relationships would be the fear of intimacy. And I'm going to also add the fear of being happy, and avoidance. 

My worth is not measured (NOT NOW AT LEAST) by my wealth, but it was when I was a child (it was the constant subject of discussion in my house). My problem I guess is that I've been a F**** OVERLY SENSITIVE F**** PERSON. All of this shouldn't have affected me. But it did. And I am where I am now. 23 years of life lived in the past and in the future, never in the present. Filled with anxiety and worry and stress and feeling inferior to everyone, to anyone who would smile when their picture is taken, or people in relationships, or people who i considered better looking, or more confident, etc.

Do you think that my being overly sensitive is actually as a result of an event, physical or psychological?
Do you think hypnosis would be a helpful method of finding out the answer to this question?


----------



## Stanley Schwarz (Apr 18, 2012)

I think sensitivity is a gift. Even being overly sensitive. Really. I'm not pulling your leg or anything. I am overly sensitive myself. It's still useful though: you pick up social cues which many would miss - the fleeting expression which show some people's true emotion, nuances and subtleness in interaction and etc.

Well, as to the issue on sensitivity, there is studies done by Jerome Kagan, demonstrating that infants' reactions to novel stimulus are fairly accurate in determining if the child would end up being introverted, or shy. Since infants have hardly any worldly experience, most of their behavior then would be largely determined by genetics. By the same logic, I hazard a guess that sensitivity is partially genetic. Although as for your sensitivity, you know it's a hard question for me to answer 

But as to going to hypnosis for the answer, well, if you are convinced that understanding the root of your sensitivity is the key to curing you of your inferiority complex, then by all means, go ahead. Though my opinion is that it shouldn't matter, although that is my opinion only. 

Inferiority complex is not exactly a simple puzzle to solve. There are several theories and approach to it, and therefore the methods of curing inferiority complex varies.

I hope you don't mind me blabbering:

Inferiority complex requires energy expended. Energy to maintain and suppress yourself. It can feel comfortable to fall back to 'talking down' on yourself, but that is because you are used to it. Habit makes it so. 

Now, back to how you direct you attention to shrinking yourself. I do not think it is necessary, nor healthful for you to do so; this much you will agree with me. And in suppressing yourself, you create tension. You have to try to let go, and go ahead with life with a Hakuna Matata attitude. Having a zen-like mentality is an asset here. Not many things can faze you with that kind of attitude. You stop giving importance to those things that create anxiety and worries, although you still acknowledge what is happening - in mind or in the physical world. It's a subtle difference between grasping at water, and holding it - you get what I'm driving at? You would have to experience this for yourself, I cannot convey that kind of Zen-ness to you through words alone. 

Moreover, you also have this tendency to hand other people your affirmation that they are desirable. You are your worst critic - that much is true for most of us. And because we do not see ourselves in an objective manner, our perspective of ourselves can be distorted at times. Have you notice that you usually look at one person's single winning attribute (looks, wealth, confidence) and compare that attribute with him? Naturally, some people will be better looking than you, some richer, some smarter... But if you look closely, most of the time, the richer people are less handsome than you are, the more handsome guys are less smart than you and so on. Nobody can have it all. Well, those that do, are the irritating people in life - you'd meet them, they indeed, have it all :teeth

You carry this ruler with you that distorts itself, so that whatever you happen to measure against, you come out feeling shorter than ever. This is inferiority complex. 

Regarding your issue with intimacy, I think having an understanding partner helps. Would you rather a person who judge you for being awkward or not 'measuring up' to expectation? Being a bit clumsy and bad with words, awkward (I don't know what you mean by awkward, so I have to make a guess here) - well, if they are going to make a big fuss over why you are not Mr. Perfect (which is a minor thing), then I'm sorry, this person is not worth it. 
And awkward or not, life is not like High School Musical - there is bound to be some awkwardness and 'scenes' which would have never made it to movie. Do you happen to plan out how your intimacy should be like, and play out how it would be like in your head? It's just a guess.

Now, if you like, try some self-help books. Reading is an interesting past time. Or you can read websites. Plenty of websites are devoted to improving your self esteem. There are TONS of website on techniques to help people with low esteem.

Alternatively, you can do it the 'hard' way and interact with people, until you yourself come to the conclusion that you are not that bad yourself. I cannot tell you that you are decent (I mean I can, but it wouldn't matter because you are not truly convinced), only you can.

And there is always therapy if you have the resources. Therapist is also a option you might want to consider for your issue.


----------



## childishgambino (Apr 18, 2012)

Well again, thank you for your time.

No I do not mind the blabbering, it's helpful. Especially the part about finding the zen-like state. That is true. I have moments throughout the day, when I feel really good about myself, about life, about people. However these moments are just moments, last very little and are rare. I go from highs to lows really quick. 
And I get shot down very fast. Any criticism or comment about my looks or about my actions, take me to depths of depression instantly. I hang on to what I just heard and analyze it in a million different ways. 

If i could find a way to care less about other people's opinion and just find that balance somewhere between highs and lows, learn to accept myself as who and what I am, maybe some day I won't feel inferior. How I can accomplish this, we'll see. All I know is I am determined to do it.

Thanks a lot!


----------



## childishgambino (Apr 18, 2012)

I just noticed something in your reply. You said we don't see ourselves objectively. Is that true for everybody? Is it really impossible to view yourself in an objective way, analyze and judge as if you were a different person?


----------

