# Unable to defend myself in unexpected verbal confrontations



## dismiss

I have this issue where I'm unable to speak or react at a critical moment because of a sudden rush of adrenaline (fight or flight) when someone "calls me out" or says something cruel or rude to me. 
I am unable to defend myself when I need to. This causes me to live in fear. It has made me a target. Makes me feel like a victim. Which in turn keeps me angry and bitter about my interactions with others... That poisons future interactions with others. 
This whole vicious cycle is exhausting and lonely. I've identified it... How do I stop it? :sus


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## howard26

I'm never ready when that happens. Physically, i could destroy the person, but at that moment, i'm losfer words. I know exactly what you mean. I remember a couple of conversations vividly, and part of me wants to go find the person, and ask him "okay, now what did you say? Let's try this again."


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## dismiss

Well thanks, it's at least good to know I'm not alone in this reaction.


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## OneIsALonelyNumber

dismiss said:


> Well thanks, it's at least good to know I'm not alone in this reaction.


You're not alone  wish I knew how to stop it, I have a similar problem on occasion.


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## catawampus

I would think that most people with even mild SA might have difficulty expressing themselves in confrontational situations. My brain shuts down completely. My reptile brain keeps chugging along while all higher brain function ceases. I have a similar reaction when talking to strange women who I find attractive. I can be so clever with friends and yet I become a plant when in those situations. WTF?


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## VC132

Interesting. Overall, I'm pretty good about handling confrontations. Everytime I've been yelled at or provoked in public, I've been good about staying calm and not retaliating. I can remember a few times in the moments after I've been yelled at, that I wanted to yell back, but I didn't. It felt more natural to be calm and accept that it might be my fault first.


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## On5thThought

There have been a few occasions with a sister in-law when I wish I had just blown up on her. (She doesn't care much for me anymore since I told her she had to start contributing financially in some small way; she lived with us almost a year). She talks with this annoying way of indirectly insulting me but I KNOW that the insults are meant for me. When the first time I (nicely) address her about it, she just said, "Oh no, I wasn't talking about you, you shouldn't be so serious!".... And this would get the heat off of her and back on me which makes me look like I'm being irrational. I just let it go but she continues to do this (especially when she's around her family) because I think she knows I won't say anything. I'm not the type of person to just "go off" on another, so I've decided to just give her a taste of her own medicine and see her reaction.


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## Pam

You could work on, or read about how to be more self-assertive. There is an old book about how to say no to people and there were all kinds of situations in it where it showed possible responses. It was good to read it just to see options I would never have thought of myself. Maybe learning about it will help you when you are caught on the spot in one of those situations.


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## dismiss

VC132 said:


> Interesting. Overall, I'm pretty good about handling confrontations. Everytime I've been yelled at or provoked in public, I've been good about staying calm and not retaliating. I can remember a few times in the moments after I've been yelled at, that I wanted to yell back, but I didn't. It felt more natural to be calm and accept that it might be my fault first.


Calm is not the problem. I stay plenty calm on the surface. 
Not knowing how to be assertive isn't the problem either. I know how to be assertive when not put on the spot.
The problem is the inability to organize thoughts and properly verbally defend myself. 
I do not want to yell at people. I just want to be able to think clearly and articulate myself.
Instead I go into internal panic, cold sweat, time slows down, & adrenaline courses through my system. I shut down. 
Because my natural inclination is to stomp out the threat, & then run away. I can do neither. 
So, I just stupidly stand there losing my opportunity to speak, & set the record straight.
It's very frustrating.

Thanks for offering your advice and experiences guys.


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## Shredder

Im not sure if Im just coping out here but I've come to the conclusion that I may never be able to defend myself verbally on the spot. But I find that I'm pretty good at walking away and then fully analyse and see things from all perspectives. Often then I write a letter to the person expressing myself as clearly as possible. I know this doesn't work in all situations... and it's not the chuck norris style of conflict resolution that I'd prefer but it seems to be the method that works for me.


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## ToucanSam

dismiss said:


> Instead I go into internal panic, cold sweat, time slows down, & adrenaline courses through my system. I shut down.


I do the same thing. And then a couple of hours later, I think of a couple of zingers and then berate myself for not thinking of them sooner.

Were you yelled at alot as a kid? Sometimes, a person will freeze in the face of yelling if they had a parent with anger issues.


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## onemoregirl

The same thing happens to me; I find myself often breaking down in tears during verbal confrontations, and I find it highly embarrassing and feel so weak.

I do like the letter-writing idea posted above. I had never thought of that, but if you tend to better express yourself upon reflection and in the written word, I think it would offer a great way for you to say your piece, even if it is 'after the fact.' , 

Everyone reacts to stress differently: My husband yells and swears and kicks things and swears some more. I shake and cry. He externalizes his anger, I retreat into myself. But even if you do this, too, it doesn't mean you can't gradually express yourself coherently, in your own time and in your way.


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## dismiss

ToucanSam said:


> I do the same thing. And then a couple of hours later, I think of a couple of zingers and then berate myself for not thinking of them sooner.
> 
> Were you yelled at alot as a kid? Sometimes, a person will freeze in the face of yelling if they had a parent with anger issues.


I was, a ton. I do the same thing. Zingers and all. Like a damned deer in headlights.



onemoregirl said:


> The same thing happens to me; I find myself often breaking down in tears during verbal confrontations, and I find it highly embarrassing and feel so weak.
> 
> I do like the letter-writing idea posted above. I had never thought of that, but if you tend to better express yourself upon reflection and in the written word, I think it would offer a great way for you to say your piece, even if it is 'after the fact.' ,
> 
> Everyone reacts to stress differently: My husband yells and swears and kicks things and swears some more. I shake and cry. He externalizes his anger, I retreat into myself. But even if you do this, too, it doesn't mean you can't gradually express yourself coherently, in your own time and in your way.


I have different coping skills for different types of stress...
The letter writing thing.... Not sure where you folks work, but that's not going to fly from staff to staff in a psychiatric facility. You'd lose all the edge you'd need to drive your point home. You'd also risk it getting passed around and ridiculed.
As far as the rest of my life goes, I haven't been yelled at by anyone in quite a long time.


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## GreatHeartly

Wow, I understand this! Sometimes I go to great lengths to avoid certain people because I don't have the guts to retaliate. Just a deer in the headlights. 

How do you stop it? I wish I knew ... learn to laugh it off maybe? It's hard, sometimes I try and picture the offender as a screaming toddler. Maybe that doesn't solve the situation, but it might change your perspective a bit. 

If you're being targeted at work meetings, you could try to acknowledge the person by saying, "thanks for your input ... as i was saying..." and then completely ignore their remarks and keep going.


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## dismiss

Not at meetings. 

Sorry, I was away camping for a few days... Unable to post back. 

No, typically it'll be a break room clique' situation... (obviously, I'm not a part of that)

Or, like happened one day... A co-worker picked a fight and yelled at me after I had just walked in. 
I was told right before they forced me to run morning meeting, that my boss needed to speak to me afterward. So, I had to publicly speak after basically being told I was in trouble with the boss...
What followed was like a train wreck, I was railroaded... Which was easy to do after putting me through that... I was still trying to recover from the trauma of morning meeting...
I ended up coming off as a bad person, but the simple fact was... My nerves were so shot from the original confrontation... Then, being told I needed spoken to by the boss, public speaking... Dragged to the office on the word of a co-worker who was allowed to verbally attack me with no warning first thing in the morning... It was an embarrassing disaster.
But there have been other, more simple situations, this was just the latest.

I'll try the toddler suggestion... But, nothing like that has ever worked before... If I ever do find a solution, I'll be sure to share it.


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## GreatHeartly

Wow, that sounds bad. Sorry you experienced that. Do you have a human resources department you could talk to about it? 

It's difficult when you already feel on edge or nervous but to feel attacked by colleagues isn't right at all.

Hope you can find a way to resolve it! (Assuming you don't feel able to tell this to your boss?)


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## dismiss

My boss favors men.

HR is a joke.

I do not care about this job anyways. I will move on as soon as I'm able. I'd just like to change the confrontation issue for myself. 
That is what this thread is about. Thank you for your interest.


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## nemesis1

Exactly the same thing happens to me. Anytime anyone confronts me or shouts at me or whatever, my mind goes blank and i almost immediately crumble. 

I recently took up martial arts so im hoping this will help me with my fear of confrontations.


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## Reclus

I have one golden phrase for the original poster, whenever someone says something that catches you off-guard:

"Honi soit qui mal y pense" (phonetic version: Ohnee swa kee mal ee pohnse)

Translates as "Ashamed be he who thinks badly thereof"

If they don't know French, they'll be totally confused, and if they do, it's the ultimate brush-off.


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## howard26

I never used to be scared of this , but these days if i'm pushed, i'm scared that i might physically retaliate, and that would be very bad for the other person. This thought happens when someone knows they have me on the ropes and interrupt everything i say. :mum


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## StimulateYourBrain

Try mindfulness and try to apply it in real life situations. i feel sorry for people like that


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## dismiss

StimulateYourBrain said:


> Try mindfulness and try to apply it in real life situations. i feel sorry for people like that


We have a mindfulness group at my job. I have sat through it. It's stretching and meditation. Going to your calm/happy place.
While I enjoyed the group, I'm trying to figure out how I'm to apply it in a confrontational situation during an adrenaline rush? I have got to be missing something here...
Can you please elaborate? 
Even if it turns out to be something that won't work for me. For somebody else, it might be just what they're looking for.
Thanks.


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## dismiss

nemesis1 said:


> Exactly the same thing happens to me. Anytime anyone confronts me or shouts at me or whatever, my mind goes blank and i almost immediately crumble.
> 
> I recently took up martial arts so im hoping this will help me with my fear of confrontations.


I've heard martial arts is good for many things. 
I am physically fit, & strong for a female... 
But, I'm guessing that this is more about strength of mind and character that you're talking about...? 
Do please let us in on it if you find some lessons in your martial arts training that can be applied to real life by laypersons.


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## dismiss

Pam said:


> You could work on, or read about how to be more self-assertive. There is an old book about how to say no to people and there were all kinds of situations in it where it showed possible responses. It was good to read it just to see options I would never have thought of myself. Maybe learning about it will help you when you are caught on the spot in one of those situations.


Thanks for your input, Pam, can you remember which book it was?


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## dismiss

Reclus said:


> I have one golden phrase for the original poster, whenever someone says something that catches you off-guard:
> 
> "Honi soit qui mal y pense" (phonetic version: Onee swa ki mal ee pohnse)
> 
> Translates as "Ashamed be he who thinks badly thereof"
> 
> If they don't know French, they'll be totally confused, and if they do, it's the ultimate brush-off.


:teeth Oh yeah, I can totally see myself slaughtering this phrase! I am having trouble even saying the phonetic version out loud! I do like it, though!


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## ryobi

I have the same problem...but it's better than blowing up and doing something physical and you could say something you regret rather than regretting what you didn't say


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## ToucanSam

dismiss said:


> Going to your calm/happy place.
> While I enjoyed the group, I'm trying to figure out how I'm to apply it in a confrontational situation during an adrenaline rush? I have got to be missing something here.


As anyone with panic will tell you, those silly "deep breathing" platitudes are useless in a truly distressful situation. Anyone who testifies to their effectiveness hasn't experienced full-blown reactivity.

...However, one good bit of advice I read said that those calming exercises are intended to lower a person's overall tension and anxiety. Ie., on a scale of 1 to 10: a person who is tense might respond to a bad situation with an anxiety level of 9, whereas that same person might respond to the same situation with an anxiety level of, say, 5 if they were calm at the outset. After I read that, I began to use meditation for that purpose and it seems to help a little.


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## dismiss

I've never been able to meditate. I've tried. I'm almost forty. I've even tried hypnotism, in a group setting and one on one...
I do better with herbs and supplements. Maybe it's because of my history, having been hurled into a state of hyper awareness many times while growing up.
Last week I had patients tear down part of the ceiling on the unit. I was oh so very calm during the whole ordeal.
If someone gets in my face and confronts me, I'm still going to get that adrenaline rush. No matter what I've taken, or whether or not I attempted a mindfulness group earlier in the day.

Perhaps there is nothing to be done about it. 
I'm starting to think that maybe just discussing it will help, that maybe I'll be able to pause, think, then deliver a retort next time. Perhaps just thinking like this, & doing it ahead of time will help. 

This thread does have lots of good information in it, keep it coming.


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## ToucanSam

dismiss said:


> If someone gets in my face and confronts me, I'm still going to get that adrenaline rush...Perhaps there is nothing to be done about it.


some forms of traditional medicine utilize the disease-causing agent to cure a disease, so...if confrontation is your weak spot, have you considered asking/hiring a trusted friend to scream at you in order to desensitize yourself? It's not as crazy as it sounds; it's really just exposure therapy.

SA can make us risk-averse, so we tend to limit our exposure to uncomfortable situations...which increases our sensitivity to them and makes them even more painful, resulting in a downward spiral.


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## dismiss

ToucanSam said:


> some forms of traditional medicine utilize the disease-causing agent to cure a disease, so...if confrontation is your weak spot, have you considered asking/hiring a trusted friend to scream at you in order to desensitize yourself? It's not as crazy as it sounds; it's really just exposure therapy.
> 
> SA can make us risk-averse, so we tend to limit our exposure to uncomfortable situations...which increases our sensitivity to them and makes them even more painful, resulting in a downward spiral.


No, it won't desensitize me. I was screamed at in the face for about the first seventeen years of my life. 
It would put me into an out of control cortisol stress response. 
Plus, I work in a psychiatric facility. I get in lots of being screamed at... Patients get upset and yell profanities at us all the time.
I've been plenty exposed.


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## solagratia

i never defend myself ...i get this kind of whiteout where my mind simply goes completely blank and i tend to just take in what's said as being true...and then hours later fly into a rage at myself...kind of made working impossible


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## ShynotRude

when all else fails......middle finger


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## dismiss

Haha... Wish things were always that simple...


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## Kris10

When I'm in that situation my first reaction/urge is to punch them in the face then run off.


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## Zerix

This is purely a confidence issue... at least I found that to be true for me... I used to be more witty and outspoken before "my issues" occurred... and what you posted is actually one of my fears! I don't like confrontation cause I think to myself that I won't be able to "keep up" with the argument/insults/jokes whatever and of course a bit scared that I'll look bad, or dumb, and of course I rather not fight I just wanna hold my ground and 1-up the other person in words... yeah... This has to be overcome somehow lol not a cool thing...

Whoever said mindfulness though, is a great suggestion. MEDITATION IS A MUST.


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## ToucanSam

dismiss said:


> I've never been able to meditate. I've tried. I'm almost forty.


I started meditating late in life. It seemed impossible, but my therapist pounded me on it, so I stuck with it and now it's fairly easy.

When you're tired or bored, do you "zone out"? I've read that people who can zone-out are good candidates for attaining a meditative level, since they both involve a similar semi-consciousness.



> No, it won't desensitize me. I was screamed at in the face for about the first seventeen years of my life...Plus, I work in a psychiatric facility. I get in lots of being screamed at


Those are examples of real-life conflict, not exposure exercises.


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## steve74

solagratia said:


> i never defend myself ...i get this kind of whiteout where my mind simply goes completely blank and i tend to just take in what's said as being true...and then hours later fly into a rage at myself...kind of made working impossible


I'm exactly the same but i also beat myself up about being a coward and not being "manly" enough to stand up for myself..

That's just the beginning of the fun however , after any confrontation I'll replay it everyday in my head but this time imagining saying or doing something differently... which of course I didn't actually do !!...which I remind myself of and then feel bad all over again !!

This is all before I start telling myself that this lack of courage is why I can't work or be around anyone, or have any friends or intimate relationships!!! etc etc etc !!!

Been like this as long as I can remember and I'm 38 now.. Wish I knew what the answer was.. This sounds bad but I'm sure you all know what I mean when I say that reading that other people are having the same difficulties helps me to feel not so isolated...


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## dismiss

ToucanSam said:


> I started meditating late in life. It seemed impossible, but my therapist pounded me on it, so I stuck with it and now it's fairly easy.
> 
> When you're tired or bored, do you "zone out"? I've read that people who can zone-out are good candidates for attaining a meditative level, since they both involve a similar semi-consciousness.
> 
> Those are examples of real-life conflict, not exposure exercises.





> have you considered asking/hiring a trusted friend to scream at you in order to desensitize yourself?


I'm not going to ruin one of the few relationships in my life that are ongoing and good, & my insurance isn't going to cover any actual therapy. Though I work in a hospital, the pay is ridiculously low...
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go...


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## loumon

I find that during a verbal confritation that right after the adrenaline rush I get muscle tension in the back of my neck and shoulders (something that I never noticed when younger), and what I've found that helps me at that moment is to keep looking at the other person in the eye while allowing the tension to relax with the inhale and exhale of my breath. It took some practice and patience to get this to work for me. Somehow when the tension eases up, the ability to start thinking and talking comes back to me (most of the time).


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## Biggles

dismiss said:


> Calm is not the problem. I stay plenty calm on the surface.
> Not knowing how to be assertive isn't the problem either. I know how to be assertive when not put on the spot.
> The problem is the inability to organize thoughts and properly verbally defend myself.
> I do not want to yell at people. I just want to be able to think clearly and articulate myself.
> Instead I go into internal panic, cold sweat, time slows down, & adrenaline courses through my system. I shut down.
> Because my natural inclination is to stomp out the threat, & then run away. I can do neither.
> So, I just stupidly stand there losing my opportunity to speak, & set the record straight.
> It's very frustrating.
> 
> Thanks for offering your advice and experiences guys.


Thinking of an appropriate and effective response on the spot is not easy when you go into panic mode. Something I have found effective is to ask the other person for clarification, such as "Can you explain exactly what you mean?" or "I'm not sure what you're trying to say?".

If the person has been deliberately insulting, snide or sarcastic, this is VERY effective because it puts them on the spot instead of you. The focus goes back on THEM. They will likely back off from whatever they said (especially if there are other people present), and they may think twice before attacking you again.

The other side benefit is it buys you a little time to think and to come down from the panic. This works if the comment you reacted to was an innocent one from someone. They won't be upset by having to repeat what they said, and it gives you some precious time to recover and respond.


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## caveman8

dismiss said:


> Thanks for your input, Pam, can you remember which book it was?


I would guess it's When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith.


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## caveman8

dismiss said:


> We have a mindfulness group at my job. I have sat through it. It's stretching and meditation. Going to your calm/happy place.
> While I enjoyed the group, I'm trying to figure out how I'm to apply it in a confrontational situation during an adrenaline rush? I have got to be missing something here...
> Can you please elaborate?
> Even if it turns out to be something that won't work for me. For somebody else, it might be just what they're looking for.
> Thanks.


I don't think it's necessarily meant to reduce your stress then and there. If you're feeling adrenaline, then you need to be mindful of that and accept it, but you are probably not going to be able to calm yourself right away.


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## loumon

Biggles said:


> Thinking of an appropriate and effective response on the spot is not easy when you go into panic mode. Something I have found effective is to ask the other person for clarification, such as "Can you explain exactly what you mean?" or "I'm not sure what you're trying to say?".
> 
> If the person has been deliberately insulting, snide or sarcastic, this is VERY effective because it puts them on the spot instead of you. The focus goes back on THEM. They will likely back off from whatever they said (especially if there are other people present), and they may think twice before attacking you again.
> 
> The other side benefit is it buys you a little time to think and to come down from the panic. This works if the comment you reacted to was an innocent one from someone. They won't be upset by having to repeat what they said, and it gives you some precious time to recover and respond.


"If the person has been deliberately insulting, snide or sarcastic, this is VERY effective because it puts them on the spot instead of you." That is excellent, I'll have give that a try.


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## Sierpinski

dismiss said:


> I have this issue where I'm unable to speak or react at a critical moment because of a sudden rush of adrenaline (fight or flight) when someone "calls me out" or says something cruel or rude to me.
> I am unable to defend myself when I need to. This causes me to live in fear. It has made me a target. Makes me feel like a victim. Which in turn keeps me angry and bitter about my interactions with others... That poisons future interactions with others.
> This whole vicious cycle is exhausting and lonely. I've identified it... How do I stop it? :sus


I can't either. It makes me just want to curl up into a ball. I think this may be one reason why I've become so reclusive lately, to protect myself the only way I know how.


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## pantazi

This is something I'm working on at the moment.

Like a lot of others say I'm not physically scared of the people.

I just sort of leave the building mentally when someone says something offensive or challenging. 

It's hard to explain I can be assertive some time. 

I find it hard saying NO too.

I think it must be a coping mechanism learned in childhood you can't change the situation so you escape mentally.

But I am working on it.


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## BKrakow

Biggles said:


> Thinking of an appropriate and effective response on the spot is not easy when you go into panic mode. Something I have found effective is to ask the other person for clarification, such as "Can you explain exactly what you mean?" or "I'm not sure what you're trying to say?".
> 
> If the person has been deliberately insulting, snide or sarcastic, this is VERY effective because it puts them on the spot instead of you. The focus goes back on THEM. They will likely back off from whatever they said (especially if there are other people present), and they may think twice before attacking you again.
> 
> The other side benefit is it buys you a little time to think and to come down from the panic. This works if the comment you reacted to was an innocent one from someone. They won't be upset by having to repeat what they said, and it gives you some precious time to recover and respond.


this is great advice! I'm going to give it a shot next time a situation like this comes up.


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## crunchy

Stop it. Just stop it. WHat you've been doing hasn't been working. Try the opposite. Go Trump on them. I guarantee you they will never **** with you again.


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## ilsr

martial arts doesn't help much. the only good thing about martial arts organizations is that you get to spar with others physically, but that assumes you can "fit in" and are strong enough to get experience out of the sparring. mentally, it just makes one deluded and it doesn't help with any verbal or nonverbal attacks. i.e. there is no "school" for fighting socially. physically, there are only a few basic fighting moves that are effective. better to build up strength at a gym or other ways, and endurance and use a weapon.


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## ilsr

I have the same problem with OP. I have a brother who has gotten away with treating me like **** for over a decade. Crap he would never get away with others.


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## The Sleeping Dragon

For as long as I can remember when somebody shouts/yells at me I blank out.


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