# Have you ever completely ignored a text invitation to hang out with a friend.



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

My friend with SA ignored my invitation. He can usually eek out a yes or no or not today, but he has never completely ignored me.

Texted him Sat night for Sunday bowling. I realized the Bills would be playing at the same time, so I texted Sun morning and gave him the option to come over earlier and hang with me and my dog instead so he wouldn't miss the game. He never replied.

I know anxiety is always there and I truly don't understand its power over him, but it really hurts my feelings that he did this. He seldom answers texts, but always has when it comes to an invitation.

Is this something any of you have done before? No judgements, I just want to understand.


----------



## fonz (Oct 15, 2008)

The last time I had any friends,phones were the size of bricks still and I don't know think texts had taken off yet...


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

fonz said:


> The last time I had any friends,phones were the size of bricks still and I don't know think texts had taken off yet...


 sorry about that...I'm here if you wanna chat. Just remember I don't have SA, just here to help my friend.


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I've completely ignored texting.


----------



## flyingMint (Aug 31, 2015)

Yes this is something I've done before. It usually happens in times of extreme anxiety. Sometimes it can force you to believe things that aren't true. For me a lot of the times, my anxiety led me to believe that my friends didn't care about me or that they didn't enjoy hanging out with me. As a result, I would sometimes stop responding and start avoiding them. Not everyone is like that though, but this is from my experience. Also, at times I've had moments where I'm simply too overwhelmed and have to recharge, that is usually fixed just by being alone for a bit. 

Not sure what your friend might be experiencing, but in any case give them a bit of time and try not to push them too much to do something until they're ready to. 

It's very nice of you to care enough about your friend, and very nice to understand his anxiety. Not many people do that, most just move on. Thanks for keeping one less person lonely out there


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

flyingMint said:


> Yes this is something I've done before. It usually happens in times of extreme anxiety. Sometimes it can force you to believe things that aren't true. For me a lot of the times, my anxiety led me to believe that my friends didn't care about me or that they didn't enjoy hanging out with me. As a result, I would sometimes stop responding and start avoiding them. Not everyone is like that though, but this is from my experience. Also, at times I've had moments where I'm simply too overwhelmed and have to recharge, that is usually fixed just by being alone for a bit.
> 
> Not sure what your friend might be experiencing, but in any case give them a bit of time and try not to push them too much to do something until they're ready to.
> 
> It's very nice of you to care enough about your friend, and very nice to understand his anxiety. Not many people do that, most just move on. Thanks for keeping one less person lonely out there


Please excuse how ignorant and blunt this us going to sound, but...if your friend asks you to do something, you could be so overwhelmed that you couldn't type "no" or "not today" or "sorry I'm feeling anxious today" rather than blow off your friend (that obviously wants to hang out with you). I understand the "no" but not the ignoring...that's just plain disrespectful.

Help me understand why that's okay.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

WillYouStopDave said:


> I've completely ignored texting.


Even a request to hang out with a friend?


----------



## flyingMint (Aug 31, 2015)

ziptang said:


> Please excuse how ignorant and blunt this us going to sound, but...if your friend asks you to do something, you could be so overwhelmed that you couldn't type "no" or "not today" or "sorry I'm feeling anxious today" rather than blow off your friend (that obviously wants to hang out with you). I understand the "no" but not the ignoring...that's just plain disrespectful.
> 
> Help me understand why that's okay.


Sometimes we fear what would happen if we said no. From my experience, whenever I told past friends "no I can't/don't want to come", it usually followed that they never end up inviting me anywhere again. They take the no as "oh they must not like me" and stopped contacting for things altogether. So me being tired one week led to them never even bothering to ask me to hang out. Obviously you have good intentions, but someone with anxiety, your friend, does not know that. So they assume the worst. Thats why we have anxiety, we simply don't know how you'll react and the uncertainty of that really bothers us. Normal people wouldn't care either way, but we are hardwired to do so.

That's why we do things that can come across as rude. We rather have the comfort of knowing that we can text you later, instead of doing something risky (i know it doesn't sound risky to you, but trust me it is for us) like replying no and possibly doing something that would hurt your feelings and in turn hurt our own.

Now, ideally it _isn't_ okay, its kinda ****ty, but understand that it is not our intention to hurt you. When other people do it, it usually is, but when we (as anxious individuals) do it, its because we can't seem to get the courage to say no.


----------



## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Are you sure he saw it in time? Lots of anxious people keep their phone ringers off most of the time so that's not a lot of notice. If he did see it, yeah, it was rude of him -- anxiety can make us self-centered so we forget that withdrawing without a word has consequences for someone else.


----------



## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

Yep. Many times. I do this especially if someone invites me to something I don't want to do or something that causes me great anxiety. I've been getting better at not doing this, but it can be hard. I don't think I have done it for a while though.

I have a hard time saying no and a lot of bad experiences with people not accepting or understanding the excuses I give or reasons why I can't go. Then I get cornered and wind up saying yes even though I really don't want to go because I simply don't want to or am scared to go. Sometimes I have straight up ignored requests but usually I make some excuses or give some reasons that I can't and if it seems like they don't get it I just ignore them or blow them off because I would rather do that than agree to go. I am very easily pressured into things so I ignore people because I know that I would say yes if I continued talking to them despite not wanting to do it.

One time a friend wanted me to go to a haunted maze on halloween and I told her repeatedly that I am too frightened of that sort of thing and she kept pushing so I just straight up ignored her, blew her off. Another time I had a guy I was good friend with insist that I visit him but after he didn't accept the reasons why I was nervous to visit him and kept countering me, I ignored him for a while and actually lost him as a friend because I was scared he was going to continue to pressure me.

Sorry you had to go through that though. To most people I have done this to, I honestly wish I had to courage to apologize to them as well.


----------



## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I've been in a lot of situations where I was invited to do something but have either made an excuse to not go at the last minute or I end up pressuring myself into going in order to 'face up' to my insecurities and then later on regret it.

Occasionally I don't regret it when I realise that I am lucky that I have managed to make some good friends in life, like today I visited a guy I used to work with back in 2010-12 and before leaving I briefly mentioned I nearly commit suicide a few months back and he was surprisingly unbothered about it, he just said, "Man, I've been through a similar phase before" and we just shook hands as I said, "seeya when I see ya", and he gave me a knowing nod.

I probably don't deserve the mates I have considering the complete lack of effort I put in overall though what I realised today above all else is that SA or not, people go through the same things and have similar feelings about life. It's made me realise that I don't need to fear being alone in my suffering as much because people will try to understand you if they care enough.


----------



## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

ziptang said:


> I understand the "no" but not the ignoring...that's just plain disrespectful.


Well, your friend sounds plain disrespectful. This doesn't really sound like SA. Or maybe he's just extremely socially stunted and doesn't realize it's rude to ignore people when they reach out.


----------



## DukeDuck (Jul 27, 2016)

How long has it been since he hasn't replied? Sometimes people can miss a text because they don't see it. Or they might have been doing something else at the time and then decided to reply to it later but they forgot about it. Texting is very annoying at times.


----------



## harletta (Nov 4, 2012)

When I had a friend I declined some invitations. It wasn't via text though.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Yes, many times. Sometimes I can't decide whether I want to go or not, so I don't reply since I hate wishy-washy answers. I suppose no answer is the wishy-washiest answer of them all though. 

Sometimes I get paralyzed since I can't figure out a way to word things. I'm just weird.


----------



## shyguy07 (Mar 22, 2015)

Well, July 4th I was on chat with a friend and they invited me to a July 4th party they were having but I didn't respond... haven't spoken to them since. I guess it was kind of rude, but I had something I had to do and couldn't go.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Paul said:


> Are you sure he saw it in time? Lots of anxious people keep their phone ringers off most of the time so that's not a lot of notice. If he did see it, yeah, it was rude of him -- anxiety can make us self-centered so we forget that withdrawing without a word has consequences for someone else.


I sent it the night before, he say it. I told him the next day that it hurts when he does that.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

flyingMint said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > Please excuse how ignorant and blunt this us going to sound, but...if your friend asks you to do something, you could be so overwhelmed that you couldn't type "no" or "not today" or "sorry I'm feeling anxious today" rather than blow off your friend (that obviously wants to hang out with you). I understand the "no" but not the ignoring...that's just plain disrespectful.
> ...


Thanks, that really helps me understand better.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

DukeDuck said:


> How long has it been since he hasn't replied? Sometimes people can miss a text because they don't see it. Or they might have been doing something else at the time and then decided to reply to it later but they forgot about it. Texting is very annoying at times.


He never replied, until I saw him at work and I told him to not do that again. He watched football with buddies and drank. I don't drink. I understand drinking can make him feel less anxious, but I still deserve an answer.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

shyguy07 said:


> Well, July 4th I was on chat with a friend and they invited me to a July 4th party they were having but I didn't respond... haven't spoken to them since. I guess it was kind of rude, but I had something I had to do and couldn't go.


Then say sorry I had something I had to do...we invited you because we want you around, believe us!


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

komorikun said:


> Yes, many times. Sometimes I can't decide whether I want to go or not, so I don't reply since I hate wishy-washy answers. I suppose no answer is the wishy-washiest answer of them all though.
> 
> Sometimes I get paralyzed since I can't figure out a way to word things. I'm just weird.


I so understand about the wishy-washy answer and how to word things. But to me the 2 answers are:

Yes I can 
Not today thanks

Just use them everytime. The "thanks" says that you read it and care about your friend.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Post_Punk_Proclivity said:


> I've been in a lot of situations where I was invited to do something but have either made an excuse to not go at the last minute or I end up pressuring myself into going in order to 'face up' to my insecurities and then later on regret it.
> 
> Occasionally I don't regret it when I realise that I am lucky that I have managed to make some good friends in life, like today I visited a guy I used to work with back in 2010-12 and before leaving I briefly mentioned I nearly commit suicide a few months back and he was surprisingly unbothered about it, he just said, "Man, I've been through a similar phase before" and we just shook hands as I said, "seeya when I see ya", and he gave me a knowing nod.
> 
> I probably don't deserve the mates I have considering the complete lack of effort I put in overall though what I realised today above all else is that SA or not, people go through the same things and have similar feelings about life. It's made me realise that I don't need to fear being alone in my suffering as much because people will try to understand you if they care enough.


I feel your pain, I have bipolar disorder and suicidal tendencies are always looming.

As a non SA, all I can say is that all I want is a little attention and respect, just like you do.

As for your friend's lack of empathy, you can never compare what other people are going through to what you are. Everyone's troubles are unique to them and everyone has **** to deal with.


----------



## DukeDuck (Jul 27, 2016)

ziptang said:


> He never replied, until I saw him at work and I told him to not do that again. He watched football with buddies and drank. I don't drink. I understand drinking can make him feel less anxious, but I still deserve an answer.


What did he say when you told him about that text?


----------



## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

ziptang said:


> I feel your pain, I have bipolar disorder and suicidal tendencies are always looming.
> 
> As a non SA, all I can say is that all I want is a little attention and respect, just like you do.
> 
> As for your friend's lack of empathy, you can never compare what other people are going through to what you are. Everyone's troubles are unique to them and everyone has **** to deal with.


Nah, I've gone ahead and used the wrong selection of words. I meant unbothered as in not made uncomfortable or put on the spot by what I had said. Not unbothered as in lacking in empathy, apathetic or aloof.


----------



## discoveryother (Sep 18, 2016)

i wanted to ignore an invitation from (extended) family recently... they texted and asked me to call them. i was never going to call them. so i ignored, and they eventually called (and asked me to call them back later, which i also did not do). and then i turned them down via text.

often if i want to be left alone, i will ignore my phone and not even read the texts. then by the time i read them its too late to bother replying anyway. i actually think this is a fairly common practice.


----------



## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Not intentionally. I will always try to give them a reply. But a few times I've completely forgotten about it or didn't see the text until a few weeks later. 

On the other hand, lots of people have done it to me. Texted them and I never got a reply, even though I have proof they replied someone else at the same time. For some reason, they specifically chose to ignore my text.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

andy1984thesecond said:


> i wanted to ignore an invitation from (extended) family recently... they texted and asked me to call them. i was never going to call them. so i ignored, and they eventually called (and asked me to call them back later, which i also did not do). and then i turned them down via text.
> 
> often if i want to be left alone, i will ignore my phone and not even read the texts. then by the time i read them its too late to bother replying anyway. i actually think this is a fairly common practice.


Thanks, at least I know. Do you feel bad about it (for your friend/family) or just less anxious because you didn't, and that's all that matters is how you feel?

Not judging your choice...


----------



## RagnarLothbrok (Dec 16, 2016)

Not a text invitation, I always usually reply to those. Sometimes I won't reply to facebook events I've been invited to because I don't go on facebook for certain periods of time.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Blue Dino said:


> Not intentionally. I will always try to give them a reply. But a few times I've completely forgotten about it or didn't see the text until a few weeks later.
> 
> On the other hand, lots of people have done it to me. Texted them and I never got a reply, even though I have proof they replied someone else at the same time. For some reason, they specifically chose to ignore my text.


I guess you are not as glued to your phone as non SA people are. It's a source of anxiety for you, so I kinda get it.

I always reply to a text, I'm like that person who has to have the last word. Sorry you feel ignored, maybe they did it unintentionally too!

Please give us a chance, there are people that want to be your friend but we don't know the rules/guidelines. I actually could have saved a lot of time doing or saying the wrong things because my friend didn't tell me the triggers. I looked them up on my own. I wanted him to be my friend so I read up on SAD.

THANKS!!


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

RagnarLothbrok said:


> Not a text invitation, I always usually reply to those. Sometimes I won't reply to facebook events I've been invited to because I don't go on facebook for certain periods of time.


Thanks, I think we are about 75% ignore is okay, 25% always reply.

My thought is, it is not nice to ignore someone that only to hangout with you.


----------



## Sinatra (Mar 13, 2013)

Yes I used to do it all the time. Eventually friends stopped texting me at all. I didn't mean to hurt them I'm just a ****ing loser, sorry guys.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

DukeDuck said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > He never replied, until I saw him at work and I told him to not do that again. He watched football with buddies and drank. I don't drink. I understand drinking can make him feel less anxious, but I still deserve an answer.
> ...


He laughed nervously cuz I told him not to do that again it mad me mad/sad. All he said is "I know it makes you sad". The convo mad him a little anxious, so I left it there.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Sinatra said:


> Yes I used to do it all the time. Eventually friends stopped texting me at all. I didn't mean to hurt them I'm just a ****ing loser, sorry guys.


For me all I want is a "yes let's go", "no not today", "nope", "sorry I can't", even if it's a lie, it's better than getting blown off...get it?


----------



## fluorish (Sep 24, 2016)

Plenty of times. & wish people would understand why. But i guess they never would unless they go through the same thing. 

But then again if he ditched you for other people its kinda different. I have ditched just to stay in my bed lol


----------



## Sinatra (Mar 13, 2013)

ziptang said:


> For me all I want is a "yes let's go", "no not today", "nope", "sorry I can't", even if it's a lie, it's better than getting blown off...get it?


Course I get it. But we don't act rationally when we are stricken with anxiety right?


----------



## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

I've ignored texts before because of depression and then not checked my messages for a couple of days at a time. So yeah I've done it. Also if i see a invite but don't know my answer at the time i might wait and then forget or go to sleep or whatever and then the offer is off the table so i decide not to reply because i don't have the energy and don't see a point. Nothing about being rude really, just depression.


----------



## Pongowaffle (Jul 23, 2015)

No. I always be sure to reply. I fear if I do not reply even once, they will stop contacting me ever again. Unfortunately people still decided to stop contacting me. Just about everyone drift apart from me the past several years. It is a rarity for me of any non-family members or non-work related texts nowadays.



Blue Dino said:


> On the other hand, lots of people have done it to me. Texted them and I never got a reply, even though I have proof they replied someone else at the same time. For some reason, they specifically chose to ignore my text.


This is the same deal for me. I eventually learn to stop reaching out to people because of this. But I lost touch with most of the people this way.


----------



## discoveryother (Sep 18, 2016)

ziptang said:


> Thanks, at least I know. Do you feel bad about it (for your friend/family) or just less anxious because you didn't, and that's all that matters is how you feel?
> 
> Not judging your choice...


no i don't feel bad about it. i feel good that i asserted my own boundaries. and they're adults, so i'm sure they can handle it lol.


----------



## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

ziptang said:


> I guess you are not as glued to your phone as non SA people are. It's a source of anxiety for you, so I kinda get it.
> 
> I always reply to a text, I'm like that person who has to have the last word. Sorry you feel ignored, maybe they did it unintentionally too!
> 
> ...


I don't think I seldom check my phone, but I do realize your average typical person probably looks at their phone about 1 minute for every 10 minutes when they are awake. Around that ballpark. Honestly I have no idea what they look at in their phone to warrant checking it so often. Social media or texts? Do they have that much constant activity on it that they have to check it so often? I'm not talking about non-SA people, but just people in general.

As for giving "us" a chance as you say, I don't really consider I myself and "us" to be that different. I guess some on this forum have that mentality though and made people think people here are very different than others. The so called "normie" term.

But yeah, just give him his space and respect his aversion from time to time if you truly want to make your friendship work. It sounds like you've done all you've can correctly.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Sinatra said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > For me all I want is a "yes let's go", "no not today", "nope", "sorry I can't", even if it's a lie, it's better than getting blown off...get it?
> ...


Truth!


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

Blue Dino said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > I guess you are not as glued to your phone as non SA people are. It's a source of anxiety for you, so I kinda get it.
> ...


Thanks for the guidance.i didn't mean to segregate. I should have spoke about myself, but I needed to distinguish somehow.

I have done almost all I can and will continue to do so, it's just that sometimes I follow the guidelines he sets and he gets doesn't always have to follow mine....it is what it is. Thanks


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

andy1984thesecond said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks, at least I know. Do you feel bad about it (for your friend/family) or just less anxious because you didn't, and that's all that matters is how you feel?
> ...


Lol, I truly get the anxiety and fear.

Yes you asserted your own boundaries, but doesn't it make a difference that someone wanted to include you in their life and you just left them hanging....?


----------



## discoveryother (Sep 18, 2016)

ziptang said:


> Lol, I truly get the anxiety and fear.
> 
> Yes you asserted your own boundaries, but doesn't it make a difference that someone wanted to include you in their life and you just left them hanging....?


ok i give in. i'm a bad man. punish me.


----------



## mcpon14 (Oct 23, 2017)

No because people don't text me at all, lol.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

andy1984thesecond said:


> ziptang said:
> 
> 
> > Lol, I truly get the anxiety and fear.
> ...


Lol, no you are just you.

You do what you do to feel ok. I'm just doing the same and trying to be empathetic to my friend. Thanks man.


----------



## seiva (Oct 19, 2017)

I definitely ignored texts when I was highly depressed. Just lay in bed and let the phone ring. Couldn't pick up.

I still do that now sometimes, even to my wife though she hates it. She'll text me and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can't respond. It sucks. Because you don't want to be an *** but you can't help it.


----------



## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

not tiny, baby, fiddly

for baby fingers

only something suitable for human eyes

screen not fingernail size. 30" minimum


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

seiva said:


> I definitely ignored texts when I was highly depressed. Just lay in bed and let the phone ring. Couldn't pick up.
> 
> I still do that now sometimes, even to my wife though she hates it. She'll text me and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can't respond. It sucks. Because you don't want to be an *** but you can't help it.


Okay. Thank you so much. Of course I blame myself and feel like I did something wrong, but I guess I need to let it go, give space and try again later.


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

mcpon14 said:


> No because people don't text me at all, lol.


Sorry about that. I'm here if you need to chat.


----------



## DukeDuck (Jul 27, 2016)

ziptang said:


> He laughed nervously cuz I told him not to do that again it mad me mad/sad. All he said is "I know it makes you sad". The convo mad him a little anxious, so I left it there.


I think you're making too big a deal out of it. If it happens multiple times, then its bad but if it happened just once, it could be a fluke. It happens with a lot of my friends too, but I've chosen to not make a big deal out of it. Take it easy pal


----------



## ziptang (Sep 17, 2017)

roxslide said:


> Yep. Many times. I do this especially if someone invites me to something I don't want to do or something that causes me great anxiety. I've been getting better at not doing this, but it can be hard. I don't think I have done it for a while though.
> 
> I have a hard time saying no and a lot of bad experiences with people not accepting or understanding the excuses I give or reasons why I can't go. Then I get cornered and wind up saying yes even though I really don't want to go because I simply don't want to or am scared to go. Sometimes I have straight up ignored requests but usually I make some excuses or give some reasons that I can't and if it seems like they don't get it I just ignore them or blow them off because I would rather do that than agree to go. I am very easily pressured into things so I ignore people because I know that I would say yes if I continued talking to them despite not wanting to do it.
> 
> ...


I've always told him I may get upset a little from a "no", but I'm more disappointed than mad cuz I really wanted to hang out.

I think when he feels anxiety about doing something, he talks himself out of it so fast that he forgets the good times we've had and goes right to the reasons not to do something rather than the reasons to do it:

Done it before and had fun
The fear is probably irrational
Learning how to grow/easier next time
He asked, he must want me to go
He's my friend

I know this is me trying to understand something I truly can't. I can be understanding and empathetic, but I can't really know what it feels like...


----------

