# Is this fair to do to this man?



## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

I need advice to make sure what I'm about to do is fair to this young man I'm very interested in. Especially advice from guys, who could sort of, stand in his shoes.

So I'm married, but am in the process of emotional separation and eventually divorce. We don't have kids. After all is said and done, I know that I will have to go through a process of grieving and getting it all out of my system... so I want to abstain from relationships for a few months to a year.

In one of my classes I've become very attracted to and interested in a man a few years younger than me. I'm 100% positive he's interested in me too.

I know though, that I will have to put a stop to this shortly:

Most important part: If he asks me out, or lets me know he wants to really get to know me, I'm planning to tell him that I'm ending a difficult relationship and will need some time to heal, but would love to get to know him when I am ready. (the rest of course depends on him..........) I don't want to tell him that I'm getting divorced... if he would be interested enough to get with me after all this time, then I think telling him about my experience once we're together, is the safest path.

What I need to know is whether I would be making it unfair or very difficult to him? I don't want to cause him pain. Am I doing the right thing?


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Absolutely. Don't scare him off right away  

It wouldn't be fair to either party, but if he likes you, he'll stick around.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> Absolutely. Don't scare him off right away
> 
> It wouldn't be fair to either party, but if he likes you, he'll stick around.


Sorry, what wouldn't be fair? - me telling him all that? 



listenjusting said:


> I think this is the best approach. No need to tell him that you're in the middle of a divorce, cause that might intimidate him now. But if he asks, I wouldn't lie about it.
> I don't think you have to worry about telling a guy that you were married once the whole divorce is behind you.


Thanks for the much needed advice 

Maybe I did a bad thing though... I read his public blog and realized how wonderful he is and that we'd make a great match... so I deliberately did everything possible to get him to become intrigued and attracted to me... subtle aggression, perhaps... this to also ensure he would most likely be there when I am ready to start seeing people. Is this bad?


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

It seems to me that you have a good plan, a truly interested guy is usually willing to be a little patient


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## IDK (Jan 16, 2009)

sounds like a good approach


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Canadian Brotha said:


> It seems to me that you have a good plan, a truly interested guy is usually willing to be a little patient


...a little patient....eek....
I know I don't really have a right to ask him to kind of put romantic life on hold.... but still....eek! :afr

**needing to babble*****
I can barely sleep... he's always in the back of my mind... I thought this was just a one or two-week infatuation but it's a full-blown attraction...... I'm dying to touch him and get much closer.... Oh my god it is so true what they say about a woman's sex drive around 30.... :um ***blush****
Umm.... 
Which is why I'm probably gonna have to initiate that discussion! Cause I can't take it anymore... If it goes any further something will happen that is inappropriate at this moment in my life.... It would not be fair to either him, my spouse, or myself.
But if I tell him now, mid-semester, when we still have a couple of months of class to share.... maybe I should wait until the end of the semester? *head spinning*
Guess I must be a robot to have this kind of self-restraint? (((( Oh well I don't care, it's just not right
*on verge of tears*
feel like I'm going crazy.... he is so beautiful inside and out and I savor the moment our eyes meet...it is such a warming feeling
At the same time I have to deal with initiating the real separation and divorce.... and to feel like a murderer doing it.... because my husband cannot see his life without me.... but I am so unhappy being with him as a person and I miss being unmarried..... **going crazy***


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

*reading his blog and can't stop crying*


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## Tony99 (Jul 27, 2008)

Is your husband currently clueless to the fact that you want a divorce?
I can't really tell from reading whether it is a mutual thing or just you or how much he knows or what not.


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

rusalka said:


> ...a little patient....eek....
> I know I don't really have a right to ask him to kind of put romantic life on hold.... but still....eek! :afr
> 
> **needing to babble*****
> ...


The reason I say that is because you mentioned wanting a little break after your divorce, it's reasonable. You're in a transition process/phase, he'll know just as well that there's unnecessary drama if you disregard that. Perhaps the anticipation factor could be an advantage, mutual flirting over a extended period. It could make for a very passionate climax when you can unite without restriction. I think an honest discussion is in your favor to avoid excess drama


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Tony99 said:


> Is your husband currently clueless to the fact that you want a divorce?
> I can't really tell from reading whether it is a mutual thing or just you or how much he knows or what not.


no, he's not clueless... We've had discussions... But he doesn't want to let me go... I'm just dreading the day I have to tell him that if he really loves me, he has to let me go.. The day I have to tell him that it is beyond repair


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

rusalka said:


> Sorry, what wouldn't be fair? - me telling him all that?


It simply wouldn't be fair to your husband or your potential interest to date until you are at least officially separated.

Your potential interest would be scared if you told him in straight honesty what really is going on.

But if you want him, you gonna have to start the divorce. It'll be hard, but obviously it has to be done. Your husband is living in a fantasy and if you want to end it, you just have to do it and stop holding on. Otherwise the longer it drags, the worse it'll be especially when you start dividing up assets. Would your husband agree to a no-fault divorce because those can be easily done.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Wait until you are divorced if you plan on doing this. Any emotional drama would be harmful if you tried to pursue this relationship.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

That is a tough situation, especially considering your husband still has strong feelings for you and you're ready to move on with another man. Also, the fact that you're still married.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Canadian Brotha said:


> The reason I say that is because you mentioned wanting a little break after your divorce, it's reasonable. You're in a transition process/phase, he'll know just as well that there's unnecessary drama if you disregard that. Perhaps the anticipation factor could be an advantage, mutual flirting over a extended period. It could make for a very passionate climax when you can unite without restriction. I think an honest discussion is in your favor to avoid excess drama






Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> It simply wouldn't be fair to your husband or your potential interest to date until you are at least officially separated.


Well yes, that's exactly what I was implying. I think it's best to wait until after the divorce, even... It just seems incredibly hard to try to be in a committed relationship when you've still got strings attached and are going through a tough emotional process. Very unfair to everyone involved!



> Your potential interest would be scared if you told him in straight honesty what really is going on.
> 
> But if you want him, you gonna have to start the divorce. It'll be hard, but obviously it has to be done. Your husband is living in a fantasy and if you want to end it, you just have to do it and stop holding on. Otherwise the longer it drags, the worse it'll be especially when you start dividing up assets. Would your husband agree to a no-fault divorce because those can be easily done.


Bright thank you for the concern! and the advice  I'm not worried about the legal side of the divorce... But I don't think I can proceed with this yet... I started my job and the probation period ends in two months. I want to wait at least until then, to make sure I will have a steady job.



millenniumman75 said:


> Wait until you are divorced if you plan on doing this. Any emotional drama would be harmful if you tried to pursue this relationship.


Hi Millennium.... Sorry but I am not even thinking of doing any of what you stated... emotional drama and such.
If I plan on doing what?


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Prodigal Son said:


> That is a tough situation, especially considering your husband still has strong feelings for you and you're ready to move on with another man. Also, the fact that you're still married.


Umm wait wait wait. Did you read the underlined part in my original message? I admitted that I'm *not* ready to "move on" with another man. That's exactly what I want to tell my object of interest. Why did you miss that?

And I'm a little hurt with the mention of my husband's feelings for me... I'm not denying it... But am I supposed to be *stuck* in a lonely, at times verbally and emotionally abusive, lacking physical passion, marriage... just because he has strong feelings for me? *upset*


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Prodigal Son said:


> Also, the fact that you're still married.


And here... you're insinuating that I've no right to become attracted to someone else at this moment. To date someone else is another matter entirely, I agree. But merely to become attracted and use that energy as the catalyst for taking a step I've lacked the courage to take for so long - to move away from an unhealthy situation. :blank


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

You mention that he is always in the back of you mind, you're clearly really into him, and desire to have a relationship with him in the future, correct? 

If you're truly in an abusive relationship I would get that divorce and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. If the issue is you simply don't love your husband and are not happy, well you still have to do what is best for you and go for the divorce, right? I mean, I'm sure you have thought about it long and hard, do you feel *stuck*? 

Is the underlining issue that you're still married and you do not want to be?

Good luck!


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## Wirt (Jan 16, 2009)

cant you remain friends with the other guy? the ball is in the woman's court most of the time in terms of a relationship going to the next level or not (if the guy is interested in the girl), so just walk the line carefully between friend and more-than-friend.

Personally, im confused on what you want out of the guy (for lack of better wording). you dont want a relationship, but you like him enough to start a relationship if you werent in your current situation. at least thats how im understanding it

and if thats the case..then it's just bad timing. that happens. and i dont think anyone but you can decide how to handle that since both sides of the coin have downsides


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

rusalka said:


> And here... you're insinuating that I've no right to become attracted to someone else at this moment. To date someone else is another matter entirely, I agree. But merely to become attracted and use that energy as the catalyst for taking a step I've lacked the courage to take for so long - moving away from an unhealthy situation. :blank


I think you're drawing those conclusions, and maybe didn't like the way I worded it because it triggered your own doubts or possible guilt about the situation. I mean, part of your topic is looking for validation it seems. All I am saying is it seems like a tough situation.

I remember a previous topic and I thought you were divorced. You want the divorce, CLEARLY, I'd focus on that.

Good luck.


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## rb1088 (Jan 24, 2008)

I think you have the right to feel anyway you want to feel. True you are still in a relationship and are by what I am reading getting a divorce, so there is really nothing to be worried about.

As the others have said. If the guy is really interested in you and likes you he will be able to wait. I know I would. The thing I worry about is that one day while you are still in the healing phase you will see this guy that you like with another women. I think that will be a huge blow, and you might think of what might have been.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

The last two posters, Prodigal Son and rb1088... Thank you gentlemen  You two especially understood me. 

Well...I'm feeling exposed now, so it's safe to end this thread. All it comes down to is I want to be by myself, single. If he waits for me, fine... if he doesn't, what can you do. Not sure if we could be just friends... the attraction to him is too great to simply relax and not try to be something more. 
Anyway, I realized how much I need to be alone the other day, because I can't even flirt without it causing me some discomfort. 

Thank you everyone!


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um


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## Tony99 (Jul 27, 2008)

rusalka said:


> Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um


If he likes you, then I wouldn't be proactive about it. Just don't hide it or avoid telling him either. One of those go with the flow things.

That's my opinion at least.


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## Canadian Brotha (Jan 23, 2009)

Tony99 said:


> If he likes you, then I wouldn't be proactive about it. Just don't hide it or avoid telling him either. One of those go with the flow things.
> 
> That's my opinion at least.


I agree, when it comes up be honest


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## Prism (Dec 17, 2004)

I didn't read the responses to the thread so I don't know other people's thoughts, but I think you need to tell him you are in the middle of divorce. If I were him I personally would be pissed off if I felt you were being sneaky or not truthful with me. A divorce is a big deal. I may not be able to trust you if you're not open with something like that.


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

It sounds like you are very hurt in your marriage and very vulnerable. You are capable of having strong fixations when your heart is broken. I would consider that you may have a few more crushes before the divorce is over. A broken heart puts you in a terrible place. I would find psychological help.


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## iwannabecoolplzhelp (Mar 18, 2009)

End the relationship and get a divorce. If you're even thinking this stuff, then you know for sure the marriage is done and divorce is the only answer now. After you or he moves out, then I think dating whoever is fair game though.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

rusalka said:


> Should I at least tell him I'm 7 years older than him? :um


Yes.

I support honesty. That may be unpopular but I stand by that.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Prism said:


> I didn't read the responses to the thread so I don't know other people's thoughts, but I think you need to tell him you are in the middle of divorce. If I were him I personally would be pissed off if I felt you were being sneaky or not truthful with me. A divorce is a big deal. I may not be able to trust you if you're not open with something like that.


...And scare him off forever? That's probably a sure way to do just that. The first few repliers agree that telling him I'm ending a _serious relationship_ is better. Then _if_ we ever actually date, I'll tell it all, when the time is right... I'll go with the flow.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Sunshine009 said:


> It sounds like you are very hurt in your marriage and very vulnerable. You are capable of having strong fixations when your heart is broken. I would consider that you may have a few more crushes before the divorce is over. A broken heart puts you in a terrible place. I would find psychological help.


So what you're saying is, it's absolutely wrong to feel/react this way... that it's so abnormal that I actually need to "get my head checked"?


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

I think I will tell him today, when we meet to study. 
I'm just afraid of his reaction... I hope it won't be a blow to him, he's very sensitive. How do I tell him, "umm, I know we share these fuzzy warm feelings and look forward to each other's presence, but I won't be available until about a year from now." without ruining his day?? Help
*edit*
Should I do it on a different day, so as not to ruin a day he is looking forward to? Or should I just say, "After we study, can we talk?" Or would it be better to let him know beforehand that I want to discuss something serious? I want to cause him as little disappointment as possible... *panicking*


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

I do appreciate the conflict this causes you, and I didn't comment earlier because you seemed to be hearing what you wanted to hear (that not telling him was best). Don't you think, though, that you're hoping for something more than a fling with this guy, and you may be establishing a future relationship on false pretenses?

It could just be that the best thing to do is to tell him of your actual status, even if it does scare him away. I mean best for you, because if you let things continue to simmer and then in July or September tell him, it could hit him pretty hard that you witheld key information from him, whatever your motives.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Atticus said:


> I do appreciate the conflict this causes you, and I didn't comment earlier because you seemed to be hearing what you wanted to hear (that not telling him was best). Don't you think, though, that you're hoping for something more than a fling with this guy, and you may be establishing a future relationship on false pretenses?
> 
> It could just be that the best thing to do is to tell him of your actual status, even if it does scare him away. I mean best for you, because if you let things continue to simmer and then in July or September tell him, it could hit him pretty hard that you witheld key information from him, whatever your motives.


I have thought of this too. Thank you Atticus for warning me. I almost agree except for the "key information" part... What do you mean by that phrase? The divorce? If you do mean that... I don't understand why I have to tell me future lovers I was divorced. Is it like quarantine contro or something? If I heal from it and don't have kids, why does it matter?


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

rusalka said:


> I have thought of this too. Thank you Atticus for warning me. I almost agree except for the "key information" part... What do you mean by that phrase? The divorce? If you do mean that... I don't understand why I have to tell me future lovers I was divorced. Is it like quarantine contro or something? If I heal from it and don't have kids, why does it matter?


I mean of course, unless he asks me or has different expectations


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

I don't mean the divorce. I see no real stigma regarding that. It's that you're married now. I'm not really sure where your relationship is with him, or if it's accurate to even call it a relationship at this point. However, you seem to be developing feelings for him while you're still married, and maybe more importantly, he may be developing feelings for you without knowing your status. He may not care, but he may just wonder why you didn't tell him sooner.

I'm really in no position, with my relationship history, to tell you or anyone what to do. I also don't mean to sound judgemental, because that's none of my business. I just think that keeping secrets, and this is a pretty big secret, often backfires.

I really do hope you come to a decision that works this out for you.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

I don't understand how the rest is "up to him". I mean you're the one in control of when and if you are going to be ready to see other people. You've acknowledged that you're interested in him and that the feeling is mutual. So what's confusing to me is why you would want him to just hang around and wait until you want to make things official. Yes, it seems unfair to him. And not explaining the details of your separation is even more unfair to him if you have any interest at all in seeing him exclusively. 

Hey, you could always just be sex buddies.


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## leomouse (Dec 1, 2008)

be completely honest, if the guy likes you he will wait for you and this won't scare him off. but don't get into another relationship too soon, first end it completely with your husband and maybe do some nice things for yourself.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

OH MY GOD

I told him everything, what you guys suggested. I was so nervous, I was sure he'd walk away. At first I didn't want to reveal anything, but thought about some of the advice here and realized this is the best way. I want to thank you guys for that.
We sat down and I told him my age, that I'm married but expecting a divorce and a period of being single. He was surprised but mature and understanding about it. He called my spouse a f******* idiot for me to be wanting to divorce him...which is not exactly true, but it kinda made me laugh. Basically he appreciates me telling him and wants to be around when I'm ready for a relationship. We then just sat and chatted. 

WOW


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

the dilemma now is, how do I be his friend without developing feelings while I'm married, for another man-is this even possible? Would his friendship be detrimental right now? Should I distance myself?


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## scaredtolive (Mar 19, 2009)

I wouldn't mention the divorce. You're kind of in a tough spot cause he may not wait until the papers are filed and everything.


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## rusalka (Jan 12, 2004)

Update!

He's back in my life after a 3 month hiatus in which I've made new friends and when my social life has skyrocketed. I know we're in love but we have not said it yet. We won't do anything until I'm legally separated at least, though. I feel like I've made a very good friend, and someone to whom there is a special emotional connection and extreme physical attraction.  OMG


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## aviator99 (Nov 23, 2006)

Yeah I think what you mentioned is totally fine, if he's genuinely interested he'll be patient. The only risk you run is the cost of time, its possible his interest can fade over time (or someone else will cross his path). Doesnt mean it will, just saying its possible.

If its of any condolence i'm going through a similar situation myself, i'd love to go out with this girl but we're just not on the same page in our lives, and wont be until next year when she finishes school. Otherwise, its just a mess right now in many ways. I have no problem waiting and I already have been waiting months and months, the feelings never died and my interest is still at full capacity. Though, I will say, its possible that in the next year some other girl may cross my path and swoon me in her direction. Its hard to imagine that i'd lose the feelings I have for -this- girl, BUT, I dont know what -other- girls are out there that may cause me to lose interest in this one. I know between us we'd still be friends, but will I lose that relationship interest? Maybe...at this point its easy to say I doubt it, but you just dont know who's out there.

So thats all i'd have to say, what you're doing is totally fine, but just remember that the longer time goes on the greater the likelihood that he (or even you) could be steered away towards another person of interest.


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