# I am ignored and ridiculed at work



## Duncana (Mar 3, 2017)

I work with about 8 other people who are very close and are always joking around. I'm a few years older than them. I don't expect to fully relate to them due to our age difference but they seem to openly ostracize me from even the most mundane discussions. Two girl exchange glances every time I speak no matter how innocuous my comment. Should I just keep to myself and not talk to anybody? I feel like their behavior is bordering on bullying.


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## Sheri S (Feb 23, 2017)

It sounds like you have clique at your work. However, you don't say how you've been ridiculed. Not to dismiss your feelings, but have they said anything specifically demeaning or insulting to you directly? I know being excluded can be painful, I've experienced it firsthand. I would suggest that you document any abusive comments, or behaviors so you have an established pattern of anything that could be deemed bullying.

Not to sound like a condescending parent or teacher, but have you tried making some friendly overtures? That way, if you make a little effort and still get rebuffed at least you can say you tried. 

If there's a superior you can talk to about your conerns, it might be worth a try. Perhaps they may be able to offer some suggestions or helpful feedback. Also, as corny as it may sound maybe they could organize a team building exercise, or maybe a company breakfast, picnic ect.

It may not help, but if the lines of communication aren't open the issue will continue to fester.

Just something to think about. No judgements, just support. 😄
Sheri S


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## crybaby97 (Jan 14, 2017)

I'm sorry to hear that. My instinct was to tell you to avoid them because who cares, they're just jerks. But Sheri S brings up a good point. My social anxiety often makes me a lot more intimated by people than I should be; I'm constantly surprised when a seemingly stuck-up person actually doesn't seem that bad once I get to talking to them. If that's also the case for you, then I think you just have to work to get over your nerves. But if they truly are cliquey and rude, don't mind them and try to find someone else to hang around.


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## Duncana (Mar 3, 2017)

Sheri S said:


> It sounds like you have clique at your work. However, you don't say how you've been ridiculed. Not to dismiss your feelings, but have they said anything specifically demeaning or insulting to you directly? I know being excluded can be painful, I've experienced it firsthand. I would suggest that you document any abusive comments, or behaviors so you have an established pattern of anything that could be deemed bullying.
> 
> It's a lot of eye-rolling and snarky comments. It doesn't matter what I say. If someone else said it, no problem, but if I say anything at all, they launch into an attack. It's a personal hatred.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your support but you'd have to be there to get it.


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## Duncana (Mar 3, 2017)

crybaby97 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. My instinct was to tell you to avoid them because who cares, they're just jerks. But Sheri S brings up a good point. My social anxiety often makes me a lot more intimated by people than I should be; I'm constantly surprised when a seemingly stuck-up person actually doesn't seem that bad once I get to talking to them. If that's also the case for you, then I think you just have to work to get over your nerves. But if they truly are cliquey and rude, don't mind them and try to find someone else to hang around.


After today I am definitely shutting down. They are really awful people.


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## Duncana (Mar 3, 2017)

I just want to add something here. I've found myself in this same situation a few other times in my life. In each instance I found myself becoming more and more paranoid about the situation, suspecting that each glance or moment of silence, or someone turning away was a direct spurn at me. I know from experience that this can blow up into a huge panic situation where I become completely incapacitated. I desperately don't want to go down that road again. Each time I speak I follow it up with a thought to myself that that was a stupid thing to say and no wonder everyone hates you.

Part of me wants to confront each person and say "Why are you being such an *****hole to me" but I do believe that that these people actually love hating me and they love to gossip about the latest thing I said or did and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

Sorry if I sound in desperate straits but I've been there before. I've been depressed since November and now I am anxiety ridden as well. It is a bad combination.


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## crybaby97 (Jan 14, 2017)

Duncana said:


> After today I am definitely shutting down. They are really awful people.


It sucks that you have to put up with that, but it isn't your fault that other people are jerks. They're awful people, but it has nothing to do with you. Try to remember that.


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## Reset Button (Feb 2, 2017)

Duncana said:


> I just want to add something here. I've found myself in this same situation a few other times in my life. In each instance I found myself becoming more and more paranoid about the situation, suspecting that each glance or moment of silence, or someone turning away was a direct spurn at me. I know from experience that this can blow up into a huge panic situation where I become completely incapacitated. I desperately don't want to go down that road again. Each time I speak I follow it up with a thought to myself that that was a stupid thing to say and no wonder everyone hates you.
> 
> Part of me wants to confront each person and say "Why are you being such an *****hole to me" but I do believe that that these people actually love hating me and they love to gossip about the latest thing I said or did and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.
> 
> Sorry if I sound in desperate straits but I've been there before. I've been depressed since November and now I am anxiety ridden as well. It is a bad combination.


It's pretty difficult with having SA to trust your instincts on whether these peeps are typical *******s or are completely indifferent to you, basically they don't dislike you. You're seeking their approval, you don't need it. You're an okay person, one or two of them might be your average ******* who loves hating and gossiping but I wouldn't count on it being all of them. 
I know someone irl who says the exact same things expressed in your posts, and she's been in 5 jobs and worked with over 20 different people, mainly women. The common factor is herself and most of her judgments are wrong, she hates any kind of criticism and takes it to heart. She reads into everything her work colleagues say and do until she's convinced it's a hate campaign against her. 
It's a battle discussing this with her, but when I persevere and challenge and dissect the offending conversation or action that happened at work, she realizes it isn't how she first interpreted to be. Unfortunately, it's a matter of days before it happens again. 
She's getting help with a psychologist. This is my recommendation.


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## Sheri S (Feb 23, 2017)

I hope I didn't offend you, I've been guilty of misreading others behaviors. That being said, I'd say go with your gut. They sound like complete a holes that aren't worth your time. I'm sorry you've been dealing with such an unpleasant situation, and I hope it gets better. 
Sheri S 😊


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## I Beethoven (Mar 11, 2017)

i think you should be rude to them and try to stick up to yourself people pick on easy targets if that isnt an option id find a new job theres no way i would put up with that

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## smars02 (Mar 8, 2017)

*I know I'm late but....*



Duncana said:


> I just want to add something here. I've found myself in this same situation a few other times in my life. In each instance I found myself becoming more and more paranoid about the situation, suspecting that each glance or moment of silence, or someone turning away was a direct spurn at me. I know from experience that this can blow up into a huge panic situation where I become completely incapacitated. I desperately don't want to go down that road again. Each time I speak I follow it up with a thought to myself that that was a stupid thing to say and no wonder everyone hates you.
> 
> Part of me wants to confront each person and say "Why are you being such an *****hole to me" but I do believe that that these people actually love hating me and they love to gossip about the latest thing I said or did and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.
> 
> Sorry if I sound in desperate straits but I've been there before. I've been depressed since November and now I am anxiety ridden as well. It is a bad combination.


I am so sorry that you have to deal with that at work, I really am. I don't know the details but in that situation you don't really need to know the details in order to know that they are being "mean girls" because they have chosen you as an easy target. I'm sure you give off some sort of "I'm a little uncomfortable when it comes to certain social situations" and darnit, you might just be a little "weird" but in what world does being weird or socially awkward equate to someone who deserves to be the inside joke or the ostracized person?? That is far from fair and far from mature.
A mature understanding person will see through the walls and understand they are there for a reason, and try to get to know the person behind the wall. Just because you may be awkward to them or quiet or keep to yourself doesn't mean you're a bad person. And they will never get to know that person because they are too busy reliving middle and high school. Ugh! I cant bear people who are that way. If you don't care to be an adult then at least be somewhat professional! Burst out into laughter because someone suggests group happy hour!?! Insanity. Group happy hour was a great suggestion and they should not have laughed at the suggestion at all.
I believe you have tried. You didn't go into the specifics of how you did but I'm sure you have tried to the best of your abilities and if they don't recognize your effort then screw them, honestly. If they have decided on ostracizing you then I would say not to give them anymore opportunities to make you the butt of their jokes at the expense of your genuine effort to socialize with them and be included in their obvious clique. You tried. They have not. Let them be kids if they want to. But it isn't fair to be laughed at or made fun of just because you want to be cordial and friendly with the people you see almost every day.

Don't let them get to you and I hope you know you did your best and that they are people who lack understanding and allow their immature bully child conquer them even in a situation that doesn't call for it.

I'm sorry.

Oh and I know changing jobs is hard but I agree with a previous poster who suggested changing jobs. Especially if your upper management does not recognize that type of behavior as, if anything, borderline harassment.


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