# 1st "Real" Session



## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'm leaving now... Aaaaaaaaaaarrrr!!!! (battle cry)


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

LOL. It'll be fine! Good luck.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Sheesh... I think it's about 10,000 times easier to open up here than in person.

I'm literally exhausted. :lol

I opened up as much as possible, but I still felt restraint and major discomfort. I kind of thought like I was "under attack" or something.

Uncontrollable urges to be composed, clear, and rational. 

I talked about family, work, history of socialization in my life, how I act at parties, how I distract myself and remain withdrawn, hobbies like running/photography, my school success and removal from my peers for being "gifted," my reasons for coming to therapy at this time, etc...

I am still having extraordinary trouble with precisely what she wants me to do before my next session: coming up with a vision of where I want to be in 6 months-1 year, in addition to where I want to be in regards to social anxiety. 

I don't have any vision for the future. That's my problem. It will be very disingenuous to just make up some vision of the future, but I don't know what else to do. My "goals" for social anxiety are far too broad...I need specifics, and I am in short supply. Apparently "being more comfortable" isn't going to cut it.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Do you want one or two close friends who you can open up to and experience genuine closeness?

Would you like to be able to go to a bar and just chat to people, or possibly even meet new friends who you are comfortable to call on and invite out?

Would you like to be able to have a job where anxiety does not stop you from doing things? Did you ever feel you could accomplish more if only you didnt feel so afraid?

What do you want in terms of people in your life? It may be hard to say right now because you may have never experienced what warmth, closeness , nurturance and empathy are. They may seem utterly alien to you, but they are what you are missing. Its hard to know you are missing something if you never had it, no?

Do you know what psychological discipline this lady is? 

Ross


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

That is something that you will have to work on. It is NOT an immediate process, like we would hope or like. It is a daily thing.

What you went through today sound about right. The first session is the introduction. Your doctor wants to try and set up a schedule to help you out based on what you want. 

Take some time to think about what you would like to accomplish.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Be patient. The gifts you have, wittiness, humor and caring will open up the paths to deeper connections. My next session is 4.30. Not sure what I'll talk about??


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I felt kind of ill each time I've left that place now. Is that kind of common? It's like a weird unease that keeps lingering after stirring the pot of my "blah" thoughts. That kind of forced non-avoidance seems to last forever.

I also felt yucky going inside the building as well. 

I'm not sure exactly what discipline she is, and that was something I forgot to ask about (approach after I can get an idea of what I want). I am presuming there will be a CBT approach if I can get my act together and come up with goals.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

If you do indeed have the inhibition schema, then your unease may well be of the "oh my god, I told her so much stuff - that was bad of me, now she knows about me and something bad is going to happen" variety. I get that after some therapy sessions. You might want to ask her what she thinks of the stuff you have told her - tell her that you would like feedback each time. Its a good idea to let her know your needs - in fact this is one of the models you are hopefully working towards anyway  And I have just learned something myself there too. Thanks!

Also - lately I lost a huge amount of motivation after doing some breakthrough work about my mum and sister. I felt good for a day or so, and then suddenly my motivation disappeared. Its actually a sign its working, because instead of having internalised and 'made your own' the critical nature of a parent, you are now able to see where it comes from. It meshes less with your everyday view of the world because suddenly you know the source.

Interestingly there was one therapist I always felt good when I came away from, and that was my first CBT therapist. He was very assertive, which I think I need especially as I have a mild narcissitic component going on. He could beat me down and then I would listen - it seemed to be what I needed. My current therapist is a bit more polite and this gives me too much room to imagine what he is thinking.

We are the weirldlingers ... weirdly wending our weird old way with the world .. tinkle tinkle

No, I dont know what that was all about either.

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

This therapist seems a bit more....aggressive than the one I originally saw on the consultation visit. In a way, I think that makes it more difficult for me to open up, because I think I interpret the more assertive/aggressive types as being more likely to not empathize or something. I become far more controlled, closed up, and rationally oriented if I'm around such people.

I'll tell you who she reminds me of...a loud-voiced Nia Vardalos, but more emotionless. If anyone's seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which she plays Larry's lawyer, it's pretty close to that.

Also, there were numerous awkward silences. I'd answer questions and elaborate (it wasn't like I was giving one-word or one-sentence answers, which I'd understand then), but she wouldn't say anything and just LOOK at me when I'd run out of things to say. Uhhh, lady, I don't know what else to tell you after going on and on already. :lol I very rarely have eye contact issues, but I did when she was just staring at me and saying nothing after I finished giving an explanation. It seemed like strange behavior on her part.

I'll have to remember to ask her what she thinks of my questionnaires. I really took my time with them, and she didn't look at it during the session, so she'll have read it by the time the next session comes. I already have problems remembering all the stuff I put in there. It's amazing how much effort I have to put in to answer some questions, only to sort of forget about it a short time later. Hmm...I should have made a copy of my questionnaire responses for my own records.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Tell her what you feel - seriosuly. She may be a psychodynamic practiontioner, in which case "staring" is part of the deal. Alternatively she may be trying to be empathetic - to let you feel that you are being given enough time and space to say what you want to say. She may also be a little bit thick, bless her, and doesnt know what to say next 

Tell her that you feel unconfortable - all of these things are part of what you are trying to overcome. Despite being in a thersapists office, all your past experiences and fears are alive right then and there. They are in fact gold little nuggests you need to collect! The more honest and open you are about things that affect your relationship with HER, the better things will go. Take it from a man who has been there 4 times dude. As an experiment, observe the effects of your honesty, and if you can , check with her to see if your feelings are correct. Try not to disqualify any positives that come back.

Rememeber also - you are still trying HER out. You hired her right? Try to detect if you are seeking her approval, and if you are, try to stop. Tell her that you realise you are, and say that you want to stop that. You need to be as honest with her as you are on here - thats the goal!

Ross


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

> a loud-voiced Nia Vardalos, but more emotionless. If anyone's seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in which she plays Larry's lawyer, it's pretty close to that


Do you mean  THIS WOMAN? 

Wow. Shes hot, and not that aggressive, she seems ... appropriately assertive. I think I have a small crush. Whee.

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I think I've done a great job with the honesty part, and an ok job at the open part (lots of room for even more openness, but I don't want to beat myself up over the first session ever). 

I do have to watch for the approval part. I do sometimes think that expressing emotions is discouraged, but the opposite is true for therapy.

I think she might have tried to elicit emotions out of me on a couple occasions. I talked about not having any friends in my city like an objective scientist observing someone else's life... and she seemed to try to take it back to the feelings, saying how it must be very challenging and difficult to feel socially isolated. I kind of stumbled around that one with something like, "Um..yeah, it is. Well, I like being alone most of the time, but I'd rather it not be all the time." 

I think I'm more apt to "feel" if I'm actually around another person than if I'm typing to a message board. Shocking, eh?? :lol


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Keep rocking!!


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

Get used to the staring at you bit...psychologists do that and it does work if you are holding something back you feel the awkward silence so eventually you blurt it out haha.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

daaaaave said:


> Get used to the staring at you bit...psychologists do that and it does work if you are holding something back you feel the awkward silence so eventually you blurt it out haha.


Yeah, I think that will be a trend. My immediate reaction to the prolonged, unflinching staring (which I never expected) is to kind of look away (or away and back repeatedly) and come up with a synonymous statement to what I just said.

I think it will be better if I can build on what I'm saying and keep opening up, rather than resort to this sort of... saying the same thing in different ways. It's pretty tough though, since I don't feel like I have control over opening up... It's not like I have a thought that I'm thinking but not saying. I probably have things I want to share, but I'm not actively aware of them so then I just repeat what I said.

In a way though, I think the staring kind of blanks my mind out a bit too. I start thinking, "She wants me to say more. I haven't given her enough information about myself. I must be a difficult patient." and all that junk. That's Mr. Approval looking for positive reinforcement and being hypersenstive to disapproval/rejection.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

None of my CBT therapists ever did that, but I had a psychodynamic (PD) one who did, and a post-PD one who couldnt quite give it up. I HATE IT. Narrrrrrrgg!! Do what I did - point it out! Say it makes you super-uncomfy! Heh. I am in such a good mood today. HUGS FOR ALLL!!!!! :hug :kiss

Got an appt with a new Schema Therapist early May to start picking apart the final vestiges of my personality um .. issues ops Looking forward to it. Look out inner child, I'm coming for you :kiss


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Oooh, schema therapist. Look at Mr. Fancypants across the Atlantic. (Yes, I'm just jealous  :lol )

I'll see if she keeps it up this next time. It won't be until the first weekend in May though. While it's probably better to have weekly sessions, would every other week be a major mistake? I don't know why she scheduled it two weeks later, and I didn't really think about it at the time.

I'd be lying if I said I could easily tell her that the staring was making me uncomfortable. Hmm...Uncomfortable to say I'm uncomfortable. What a pickle! :lol


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

ardrum said:


> Oooh, schema therapist. Look at Mr. Fancypants across the Atlantic.


:lol

You have em in the states too - thats where it was invented by some folks in NY 

2 weeks does seem odd - normally a starting schedule is once a week. I always had a problem in therapy in the past that there were a lot of things I just could not tell them - some of the really freeky deeky sh*t that goes thru my head. I realise now that this was wrong - because what they saw was my 2social mask" which generally comes off as fine. Hiding the pain from them is a no no, as they can only go on what they see and you tell them.

Sometimes I think that the really overly emotional ones have it best, cos at least then the crying / anger / weirdility gives the psych something to work with. When I sit there trying to be their idea of a model patient and say all the stuff they want to hear and impress them with the amount of CBT Ive done that week, I realise I'm chucking £70 down the drain.

Let the emotions rip. Its quite liberating - like peeing off a bridge.

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I like that I had those lengthy questionnaires to fill out (much of it being lines to actually write out answers on, rather than just checking boxes). I was very open in them, and a part of me hopes they can make me uncomfortable with what I revealed. I think I do need pushed sometimes. OK, often.

If they don't push me, it will be hard for me to just volunteer things. 

My next session will be very interesting though, because she said she'll be going through my responses in the meantime.

I have the strangest problem with remembering stuff I say or write after opening up a bit. It's like the mind overcorrects, closes up, and makes it difficult to even remember then. 

That's all the more reason for me to be writing things down when it comes to emotionally powerful experiences. I'll be like the guy in Memento, but specifically for emotional memories/feelings. :lol


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I know what you mean. Another one to watch out for is the old 'depersonalisation'. When I am really revealing stuff, I feel super-guilty and I start to feel like I'm leaving my body, and the room goes on this funny angle. Its anxiety, pure and simple and it screws with memory. So often you won't 'store' what you said. Kinda cool in an odd way


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> I know what you mean. Another one to watch out for is the old 'depersonalisation'. When I am really revealing stuff, I feel super-guilty and I start to feel like I'm leaving my body, and the room goes on this funny angle. Its anxiety, pure and simple and it screws with memory. So often you won't 'store' what you said. Kinda cool in an odd way


You know, I felt really weird a couple times in the last session and find it very difficult to describe. I've felt it before, almost always when someone is sort of asking me questions, and then follow-up questions, and then deeper questions, and deeper, etc. Basically, if I'm getting probed about something I'm not comfortable talking about, it will happen.

It only happens in person too. If the interaction was on this forum, I wouldn't experience it. I might get mildly uncomfortable (at the MOST extreme), but that's it since online communication is much less intense. But in person, I'll sort of get these all-encompassing, tingling sensations in my head and feel almost weightless or something with massive "butterflies" being like the only physical sensation I have of the body.

Yeah, it can make it pretty hard to access memories and feelings.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Do you mean  THIS WOMAN?
> 
> Wow. Shes hot, and not that aggressive, she seems ... appropriately assertive. I think I have a small crush. Whee.
> 
> Ross


She's hot. Redheads are cool.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Hah, nevermind. I don't think she looks like her. I don't know. I have disturbingly horrible visual memory. I can't even tell you what color eyes my friends have (I often can't remember obvious details of how someone I know looks).


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

anxiety anxiety anxiety

memory NOOO memory NOOO memory NOOO

Simple rule of thumb


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Hm?


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I forgot


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Ardrum,
I am following this thread with great interest. It is easier to write out your feelings rather than to tell someone your feelings. I am looking forward to your next session.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Cool! Yeah, I like hearing about other people's happenings as well. It sure beats the crap that's on TV these days. This is far more "real" than so-called reality TV. :lol

I think this next session will be the most intensive yet. I've basically had just a consulting session and this first one (again, mostly introductory). I'll be really determined to put a dent into my defensive force field. I just keep reminding myself that it is shame that is keeping me back, and that she will not punish me for being totally honest and open.


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