# question about the friendzone



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

What's wrong with being in the friendzone? I'd rather have guys in the friendzone to get to know them and then possibly date. Why isn't it like that instead? I don't want to pick just one guy and date him while another guy gets jealous. I want to be friends first and then possibly date one of them. I wish guys would approve of my friend requests in real life and not turn me down especially if I only want friends in the beginning. Can friends go on dates? Can I call hanging out a date? I just want to hang out with many guys not just date. I want friends! Can't I have male friends? Do they all just want to date or nothing? Surely they can see the advantage in being friends, it doesn't always mean that there's never a chance to date! Women need time! I need time!

I used to just go on dating when I used OkCupid, it was dating! One time it was a guy who wanted to be friends first but at that time I reacted like any guy would if he was friendzoned! Now I want to friendzone sexy guys just so I can get to know them before dating! I want to get to know them all and I don't want to date all of them. I want to hang out with them and not make them jealous if I hang out with one and not the other. Is hanging out the same thing as dating?

I think the only way I could have what I want which are male friends is if the males have the same mindset as me. I understand that they might have an opposing mindset like I used to depending on what they believe and what they desire at the moment. But I don't want to lose amazing people so that's why I want them to be friends first. Anything is possible, they're so attractive, probably I'll end up having casual snogging with friends and that's good enough to lead to any infinite possibilities! Why can't they see it? I am very nice and flirty, anything could happen! Friendzone isn't the end of the world! It's the beginning! Believe!

I wish you guys could see friendzone as an advantage, as I do. I didn't know any better when that one guy wanted me in his friendzone because I had a different mindset! Once your mindset changes then you realize sh!t I lost an amazing person and it was all my fault for having an opposing mindset!


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> What's wrong with being in the friendzone?


I think the issue might be:

1) If you've just met each other he may not know if he wants to be only friends (as he doesn't know you), he may not see it as worth the effort to find out (which wouldn't necessarily be anything against you) if he already has friends.

2) If he sees it as a rejection but is actually happy to be friends he probably won't try again because he doesn't want to be thought of as a creep. That means the woman will have to be the one to make anything happen, you can't really say you need time yet expect him to still make the move later once you're ready (it could happen but you shouldn't expect it to).

3) If you did go further with one of your friends, others may start to wonder if that means they also have a chance and the one you've gone further with might wonder the same.

Personally I'd be fine with just being friends and if it turned out there was a mutual attraction see what happened, whether it was just FWB or an actual relationship. She would have to be the one to make that known in order for me to risk the friendship though.

I think it's possible but most likely tricky to make work.

I could be wrong though, I've never personally been in that situation.


----------



## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Some people may at first think that you only want to be friends with them all along? I dont know im just guessing.


----------



## Zozulya (Mar 24, 2016)

Bah the friend zone is just a meme and it is perceived negatively because of 9gag, social media and other meme sites.

The problem is the friend who may fall for that meme, and sees it as an indirect rejection and refuses to pursue relationship.

But in this case, it will show up the lack of maturity of that said, potential friend.


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Men find that if a woman sees them as a friend then there is no way to get out of this 'friend-zone' and get into a relationship - and it's really hard to find a good women for relationships. Takes a lot of time and energy too - then after spending all the time and energy a guy gets friend-zoned. It's a bummer.


----------



## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

There's too much uncertainty, that's why.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk


----------



## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Also some guys find it hard to be around a woman they are extremely attracted to if they can't pork her.


----------



## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Men don't like to be treated like Pokemon to some girl Trainer who enjoys collecting all types of new pokemon...

There are people who collect friends and just only call forth whenever he or she needs a favor---how the hell is that a genuine friend?

pfffft

My definition of a friend is someone who shares mutual respect, doesn't mind hanging out, and possesses the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality. From my personal experience, all my "friends" do is usually bring me grief and demand favors from me and give little to nothing back in return, not even a "Happy Birthday" or anything, to hell with that. 

Also I agree with the rationale that once a girl makes it quite clear she isn't interested in me at all romantically, yeah fine we can be "friends", whatever that means, yet I'm gonna place less effort in hanging out and chatting with her if she doesn't place mutual effort back equally, do all of you feel me? 

Too many times people complain to me that I'm so distant, and I'm like, well you can hit me up too any time y'know, why is it always me that has to initiate conversation or suggest something?

From my point of view, the people who place no effort back in keeping in touch, that tells me they've no interest in being my friend nor want my company, they just talk to me whenever they need a favor or have no one else to chat with at that specific given moment, nah, no thankyou.


----------



## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

I think most guys would take it as if the girls not interested if after several meetings she doesn't know whether to develop into a relationship.


----------



## cuppy (Oct 15, 2011)

I always thought the term "friendzone" was something bitter guys claim when they haven't made their feelings clear to a girl, and as a result get angry when the girl doesn't return those feelings..

I totally agree that people date their friends all the time!



Malek said:


> Men don't like to be treated like Pokemon to some girl Trainer who enjoys collecting all types of new pokemon...


This...isn't what the OP means by friends...Is this how you view yourself?


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

cuppy said:


> I always thought the term "friendzone" was something bitter guys claim when they haven't made their feelings clear to a girl, and as a result get angry when the girl doesn't return those feelings..


I think that's the most common understanding of it but I suppose it could also be extended to those who would really want more than just a friendship and did actually make a move but got told they just wanted to be friends. So you're "only" a friend because they don't want anything more (or because you can't tell them how you feel due to fear etc.), I think women can be "friendzoned" too in either meaning of the term, I don't think it necessarily makes you a bad person.

It's just a newer way of saying unrequited love really, only that you're also friendly with them and not simply admiring from afar.


----------



## cuppy (Oct 15, 2011)

@LonelyLurker Yeah I never really liked that word because it puts the blame on the person being crushed on :s Bleh, I could go on but I am procrastinating on an assignment


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

cuppy said:


> @LonelyLurker Yeah I never really liked that word because it puts the blame on the person being crushed on :s Bleh, I could go on but I am procrastinating on an assignment


I've definitely seen in used in that manner.

Now stop messing about and get back to work.:smile2:


----------



## cuppy (Oct 15, 2011)

@LonelyLurker Hmph!!!!! fine :b


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

If friendzone doesn't work then how do so many people especially girls have male friends? Do girls seriously have to engage in casual intimacy/romantic with every male friend just so she can have male friends? What if I do find every one attractive? I'll let them know and find my own way in this world.

You males on here can't help me. I need females to help me.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Sounds like @Malek doesn't like me! Dude, I am talking about friends in general. Don't bring your own bad luck with females here.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

scarpia said:


> Also some guys find it hard to be around a woman they are extremely attracted to if they can't pork her.


So I need to get porked by every male friend in order to have male friends?


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I'm talking about having male friends and getting to know them before doing anything else. I don't want to end up dating a psychopath or sociopath again. So they better stay in the friendzone until I feel okay about them and if they choose to leave then I know that explains that they don't like me enough to stick around. People who want quickies are not good enough, I want people who will stick around and the only way to make them stick around is if you introduce the friendzone. If they leave, THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM! Only when you stick someone in the friendzone and how long they are willing to wait it out do you know them really. If they run out too soon, they're not worth your time. If they stay longer, they might have a chance to be my real friends. Takes a long time to become dating friends or dating. I might be sexually aroused by every one of my friends, and I'll let them know, communication is key.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

What a confusing world, you can't even have opposite sex friends cuz everyone is trying to pork you. It must be that drive which drives us to reproduce. What about girls who already have a relationship and are able to have male friends? You think her male friends are just waiting for her to break up so they can pork her? Damn right! Crazy world out there, man.... I'm not going to succumb to your guys' ideas of friendzone, I'm going to find my own way. Probably makes sense why girls have same sex friends which help attract more male friends and then the main girl has some male friends who want to pork her and vice versa. AH! That's how it goes then. It's true after all isn't it, everyone is out there to pork one another and there's no genuine friendship and people are really on their own.


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> If friendzone doesn't work then how do so many people especially girls have male friends? Do girls seriously have to engage in casual intimacy/romantic with every male friend just so she can have male friends? What if I do find every one attractive? I'll let them know and find my own way in this world.
> 
> You males on here can't help me. I need females to help me.


You definitely don't need to engage in intimacy with a man in order for him to be your friend. As long as you're willing to make the move if you do realise you like like him and accept that he might find someone else in the mean time, it's fine just being friends and seeing where it goes. In some ways that might be the best way to do it as you'd already know each other before getting physical, but that's in theory, in practice it seems to be harder than it should be.

I understand you wanting a female perspective though, hopefully someone can confirm that there are guys who'll interact with you even if sex isn't on the table.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

LonelyLurker said:


> You definitely don't need to engage in intimacy with a man in order for him to be your friend. As long as you're willing to make the move if you do realise you like like him and accept that he might find someone else in the mean time, it's fine just being friends and seeing where it goes. In some ways that might be the best way to do it as you'd already know each other before getting physical, but that's in theory, in practice it seems to be harder than it should be.
> 
> I understand you wanting a female perspective though, hopefully someone can confirm that there are guys who'll interact with you even if sex isn't on the table.


Yes, it's okay if he finds someone else in the meantime. In the meantime for me would be rushing still. I like to see him go and find someone else and then still be friends with me, I'll be here just in case his 100th relationship doesn't work so I can try porking him.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

LonelyLurker said:


> I think the issue might be:
> 
> 1) If you've just met each other he may not know if he wants to be only friends (as he doesn't know you), he may not see it as worth the effort to find out (which wouldn't necessarily be anything against you) if he already has friends.
> 
> ...


Ah, that makes sense, thanks. 1 and 2 sound good, I could always talk to them and tell them what I want. 3 sounds kinda tricky - I definitely don't want to be a casual girl who snogs 10 boys she's got in her friendzone. Although I did that last year after my last rushed relationship ended where I said fvckitoll I'll date 3 or more at the same time and snog+cuddle-sex with everyone. These guys that I was dating were asking for sex always, I never gave it to them, they actually stopped hanging out with me. Whatever, not my fault they didn't wait long enough. You can really see how immature someone is when they rush something on you and when you confront them they leave.


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> Yes, it's okay if he finds someone else in the meantime. In the meantime for me would be rushing still. I like to see him go and find someone else and then still be friends with me, I'll be here just in case his 100th relationship doesn't work so I can try porking him.


As long as he was actually your friend and not just pretending I don't see why he'd stop being friends with you. Obviously he'd have less time because he'd be spending it with his new partner, but he wouldn't have to cut you off completely.

And if it didn't work out for him you could pork away.:laugh:


----------



## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> You can really see how immature someone is when they rush something on you and when you confront them they leave.


Agreed, trying to pressure someone into something they clearly aren't ready/willing to do isn't the sign of a decent person.

You're better off without them IMO.


----------



## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

cuppy said:


> I always thought the term "friendzone" was something bitter guys claim when they haven't made their feelings clear to a girl, and as a result get angry when the girl doesn't return those feelings..
> 
> I totally agree that people date their friends all the time!
> 
> This...isn't what the OP means by friends...Is this how you view yourself?


\

No, I used to view myself as such but not anymore, which is why I refuse to play said mindgames...

Also, all these girls I'm referring to, I made my intentions quite clear... I never held a grudge against them for not liking me back, rather it's the way they handled it, the lying, flirting, and essentially wasting my damn time is what makes me disappointed. Why do they keep pretending that there is a chance most of the time for something to happen when clearly through their actions there isn't, there never will be. I'm always honest, and most of the time they are not, simple as that. Then when you go on with life and ignore them for months they appear again and try to befriend you, flirt, ask favors or say they're not having a good day---basically resetting the entire scenario, and like a weak man, you fall for it and get embarrassed once again.

Hey, I'm completely fine with being just friends, yet it for the most part is rarely the case. Friends actually care about one another and remember specific details from each other, these girls that have a dozen guy friends or so, they do not care about one specific guy, they care about the attention.

Perhaps it's my own fault for allowing this to transpire in the first place, and constantly choosing to form a connection with these types of girls, yet you have to admit, nowadays, it's a very common theme.


----------



## Neal (Jan 14, 2012)

Malek said:


> \
> 
> No, I used to view myself as such but not anymore, which is why I refuse to play said mindgames...
> 
> ...


Tbh this mess happened to me big time twice. Once in real life and another just from one of these forums. Its probably really hard to avoid unless you yourself have a ton of prospects. The woman in real life had my *** on and off the hook for like a year and a half. Went from being flirty and interested to suddenly acting like it was all in good fun. And me telling her i was interested is what kickstarted that mess. If i had kept my mouth shut she probably would never have done that. Also if i hadnt had such bad anxiety id probably have just done the same right back. Flirted and had my fun, not being serious, while exploring my options with more stable women.


----------



## SparklingWater (Jan 16, 2013)

Lol there are friends and then there are relationships. Sometimes if you like someone enough it's difficult to be friends, sometimes it's not a big deal. I think the main thing is are you able to actually be a good friend. If your feelings are constantly getting in the way or creating difficulty, then best to take some space. If you can manage being a good friend and your feelings don't interfere with that at all continue the friendship. If there is such a thing as the friendzone it's self imposed lol.


----------



## Dev Diggs (Jul 7, 2016)

It depends on a guy's identity. If it's more about manhood than sociability then there's not much to do with a woman who wants to be 'friends'. Who gives a damn if the only thing you want is to be looked at as a sexually approved male because that's who you are?


----------



## Moxi (Nov 24, 2015)

Nothing wrong with being "just friends". The problem is all in the expectation that being someone's friend or being nice will lead to a relationship, instead of going into a friendship with the simple expectation to enjoy someone's company and share. 

Or that people are ambiguous about their intentions and don't make it clear if there's potential interest or not. I dislike how on many dating sites people say "friends" when I know damn well they don't want to interact with people who aren't single or who they don't have chemistry with. 

It's like it's become some secret way to avoid commitment by muddling the definitions instead of just dating but not entering into a relationship with someone too early.


----------



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

*Old Thread Warning
This Thread is more than 107 days old. It is very likely that it does not need any further discussion and thus bumping it serves no purpose.
If you still feel it is necessary to make a new reply, you can still do so though. 
I am aware that this Thread is rather old but I still want to make a reply.*

I searched up on Google my quirky questions cuz I think I don't have any friends to ask! There seem to be stages in friendships and dating. Now I understand it all. We sex someone fast with just attraction, infatuation and lust, that love is blind moment when we don't see their ugly yet or even want to, I wonder if we can sex when we know everything about a person. No, that's when you're already onto the next best. But you can if you learn to tame your mammalian impulse.

Now about friendships, yeah, I get it. But not everything is black and white! People out there really do take it slow, I mean friendships can be fast, but there seems to be a distinctive order to dating that's different from friendships. In dating you can be friends first which is also known as taking it slow, and it's not necessarily friends with benefits. I mean, taking things slow to see if you can get into a relationship if you want to. Otherwise you don't have to take things slow, you can go straight for the porking.

Communication is key, also being assertive, saying NO!, and going slow is very important so no one wastes their time. Ah, the red flags are so important, especially with online dating creeps! That minimizes any risks of controlling and manipulative behavior and you can ignore and not progress further into their trap! If you meet in person, eh, same rules, and it can be kinda risky if you have no friends and easily fall in people's traps. But anyway, always taking things slow and not giving in to lusty sex will surely acquire you some friendships and potential future love.

Making friends with same sex is something I am still clueless about, will have to search on google. But I know that any new male will want to get to know one of my friends and I will gladly throw her overboard - I mean, introduce them to each other. At least he'll be able to expand his horizons. Ah, I shouldn't want to lose her, maybe just share her. Alas, they might get to porking from lusty love or they might lure eachother sooner than I could. 
Yeh, it makes sense why we'd want to rush to attract and secure an intact relationship with someone we like. But **** happens out of our control, especially when friends get introduced in our circles.

Just gotta learn to just let people you like pork while you deal with your own self. Can't control someone else from porking someone just cuz you want them. Life is that way. Any paranoia or jealousy is quickly eliminated when you can reject yourself and future opportunities and leave it all to fate, cuz srsly, life is out of anyone's control. Anytime you want to get your share before someone else gets it, even if it ends tragically, just go for it! Maybe you'll get lucky and get minimal pain, that'll be an awesome life.

This guy's approach is like he meets her and then falls faster for one of her friends. Oh baby, do I smell more lust? That's right, you will have friends but they will be porking with others, but at least you have friends!
https://medium.com/dating-meets-data/the-friendship-first-approach-to-dating-5e810e09adc7

https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-4-stages-of-dating-relationships/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-can-you-tell-when-you-should-just-be-friends

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ke-it-slow-if-you-want-your-relationship-last

http://www.wikihow.com/Date-a-Friend

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201004/why-friends-first-doesnt-work

http://forevertwentysomethings.com/2015/03/18/10-stages-of-friendship/


----------

