# Guy trying to steal my girlfriend



## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

I have been going out with this girl for a year now. I am her first real boyfriend

At the 4rth month of going out with each other she did kiss a guy and informed me about it, she said it was an accident and it just happened, I left her and forgave her and went back out with her.

ever since then we started to fight a lot. I dont try to start fights, she always starts with me. All i really do is try to make conversations more interesting but she chooses to fight over stupid little things.
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2 months later a different guy comes in and tries to steal my girlfriend

Lately I been on my girlfriend's Facebook without her knowing and i have been looking through messages and found her talking to a guy named Andrew who is already TAKEN. My girlfriend and Andrew talk a lot, probably more than me and knowing that hes already taken, he flirts with her and she flirts back. They both said "your cute" and stuff and it just hurts to see it because i think theres funny business going on.

Days past by as i seen the messages grow larger... they were talking about hanging out with each other again. Then after talking about hanging out with each other, my girlfriend asks him how is his girlfriend. He said that he and his girlfriend are in a bad relationship. My girlfriend then said that she knows how he feels because me and my girlfriend always fight a lot.

This dumbass says to her that she should leave me and persuades her to 

go out with him. She doesn't tell him thats the wrong thing to do. I dont 

know what to do and as this goes further, my social anxiety builds up, i 

dont want to confront her about it because i wanna see more and more 

messages. The message ends with "text me im logging off facebook" i need 

help WHAT DO I DO? They are probably meeting up next Saturday as of 

8/18/2011


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

From everything you've said, I don't think it's a good idea to continue the relationship, to be honest. If there is something going on with this guy, that would be the second time she cheated, and you don't need that. But even if she's not, it seems like you two don't really have healthy communication, given that you're fighting all the time and you felt compelled to go into her Facebook. Maybe there's more to the story, but at least from what you've told us, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. It's probably best to move on, with as little confrontation as possible (ie. don't tell her you've been reading her messages).


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Ape in space said:


> From everything you've said, I don't think it's a good idea to continue the relationship, to be honest. If there is something going on with this guy, that would be the second time she cheated, and you don't need that. But even if she's not, it seems like you two don't really have healthy communication, given that you're fighting all the time and you felt compelled to go into her Facebook. Maybe there's more to the story, but at least from what you've told us, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. It's probably best to move on, with as little confrontation as possible (ie. don't tell her you've been reading her messages).


Its really not that easy to just move on. I want to try to "move on" but my social anxiety cannot confront about it to her.


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## Colton (Jun 27, 2011)

I won't get into the morality of snooping on your girlfriend's Facebook messages, but it sounds like you need to make a decision fast! If you want her, fight for her. If you think she would be truly happier with Andrew, you may as well break up with her before she breaks up with you.

Maybe you should let her win some of the arguments next time you fight.


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Colton said:


> I won't get into the morality of snooping on your girlfriend's Facebook messages, but it sounds like you need to make a decision fast! If you want her, fight for her. If you think she would be truly happier with Andrew, you may as well break up with her before she breaks up with you.
> 
> Maybe you should let her win some of the arguments next time you fight.


no way im letting it off that easy because its screwd up how she knows andrew is taken and yet andrew asks her out on date and stuff, it doesnt sound alright to me!


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

Noone can steal your girlfriend. Or make her flirt with them. Or make her talk to them about the state of your relationship (which she could be talking to you about). If you can't talk about the problems going on in your relationship and how she is treating you, then it's time to DTMFA and move on man.


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

Honestly, she sounds like bad news, bro. I think it may be better to break up with her because it seems to me like she's in the process of hurting you again with this Andrew fellow. 

Also, like artandis said beforehand, no one can 'steal' your spouse. It takes two people to have an affair. No one forces the other into one. 

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but things will get worse if you stay together.


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## uffie (May 11, 2010)

damn sounds like hes about to perform the robbery.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

Question: If you two are fighting all the time why do you still want to be in this relationship? Let him have her and then you can find someone to be happy with. 

Has she always been a cheater? She kissed someone and now she is flirting with someone else.


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Perkins said:


> Honestly, she sounds like bad news, bro. I think it may be better to break up with her because it seems to me like she's in the process of hurting you again with this Andrew fellow.
> 
> Also, like artandis said beforehand, no one can 'steal' your spouse. It takes two people to have an affair. No one forces the other into one.
> 
> I know this may not be what you want to hear, but things will get worse if you stay together.


you are right, i want to break up with her but its hard to, i dont know how to do it, i really need help on how to break up with her



SAgirl said:


> Question: If you two are fighting all the time why do you still want to be in this relationship? Let him have her and then you can find someone to be happy with.
> 
> Has she always been a cheater? She kissed someone and now she is flirting with someone else.


well she told me she learned her lesson after that because im her first real boyfriend that goes out on dates and stuff.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

That is not a good relationship. I am not blaming her alone. I think it takes two to tango. I also think it is important to know when to quit a relationship before it turns into something harms you both. I would end it.


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Lisa said:


> That is not a good relationship. I am not blaming her alone. I think it takes two to tango. I also think it is important to know when to quit a relationship before it turns into something harms you both. I would end it.


Thats what im trying to do but i dont know how


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

Wampo said:


> you are right, i want to break up with her but its hard to, i dont know how to do it, i really need help on how to break up with her


There are two ways of breaking up with someone. Dramatically or gracefully. Since your SA makes it hard for you to confront her about her behavior, I suggest you tell her that it's not working out and that you both are obviously unhappy in this relationship so you feel that it is best to split up because it's for the best. If she asks you why, just tell her that the communication in this relationship isn't healthy and that you don't feel happy in this relationship.

Your future ex-girlfriend could take this either way, but it's best that you close this can of worms soon before things get exponentially worse.


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Perkins said:


> There are two ways of breaking up with someone. Dramatically or gracefully. Since your SA makes it hard for you to confront her about her behavior, I suggest you tell her that it's not working out and that you both are obviously unhappy in this relationship so you feel that it is best to split up because it's for the best. If she asks you why, just tell her that the communication in this relationship isn't healthy and that you don't feel happy in this relationship.
> 
> Your future ex-girlfriend could take this either way, but it's best that you close this can of worms soon before things get exponentially worse.


your right with what u said, and i will eventually stand up for it, what i was thinking of doing is trying to snoop her facebook to get evidence and tell her why i wanna break up. Is that a good idea? this would probably escalate reasoning so that non of us would feel bad about breaking up right?


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Wampo said:


> Thats what im trying to do but i dont know how


Meet up with her and tell her that you are beaking up with her. Then go. A very common mistake is to get involved in a last argument. Nothing good comes from that.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Wampo said:


> your right with what u said, and i will eventually stand up for it, what i was thinking of doing is trying to snoop her facebook to get evidence and tell her why i wanna break up. Is that a good idea? this would probably escalate reasoning so that non of us would feel bad about breaking up right?


No. Don't go into it. You're not happy, she's not happy, it's reason enough. You guys really haven't been together that long in the grand scheme of life and life is short. If you tell her what you did, she'll just get angry about losing her privacy and trust in you and it'll have the same end. Know you shouldn't go into other's accounts, and make a clean break.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It sounds like you should break up with her, before she breaks up with you. 

This is really unhealthy, and you deserve better than this!


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

I am sorry to be the one to say this but most people hop from relationship to relationship. Especially women who tend not to let go of a vine until they have grasped another in their other hand. It just comes with the territory.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

You just got to tell her to **** off (in better terms, perhaps). Or else you'll just get hurt further. Sounds like she's been looking for an out for some time. And I also like the idea of not arguing with her. Don't let her turn it to an argument either. Just get in and get out. Don't try to make the situation worse... take the initiative and maybe it will force her to _think_.


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## Alduriam (Jun 30, 2011)

Lisa said:


> That is not a good relationship. I am not blaming her alone. I think it takes two to tango. I also think it is important to know when to quit a relationship before it turns into something harms you both. I would end it.


I'm sorry, but what she is doing is disgusting. If she's unhappy in her current relationship, she should have the decency to have a serious discussion and make sure it's over before going with someone else.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Alduriam said:


> I'm sorry, but *what she is doing is disgusting.* If she's unhappy in her current relationship, she should have the decency to have a serious discussion and make sure it's over before going with someone else.


I don't think 'disgusting' is the right word here. It's not cool what she is doing and he should probably dump her. But when people are unhappy in relationships they do things like that. There are far worse things she could be doing.

Besides, in every relationship and their break ups it usually takes two to tango. Just saying....


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

Lisa said:


> I don't think 'disgusting' is the right word here. It's not cool what she is doing and he should probably dump her. But when people are unhappy in relationships they do things like that. There are far worse things she could be doing.
> 
> Besides, in every relationship and their break ups it usually takes two to tango. Just saying....


I agree with Lisa. You should get one or two good bangs out of her before you dump her. I am talking about doing some degrading stuff you normally reserve just for fantasies.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin (Nov 28, 2009)

What age are you? unless you're 40 I wouldn't worry about it. From the sounds of it, you're not.

It sounds like game over. That's the thing though, you'll never run out of 1ups, even though it really feels like it.. I'd suggest you man up and get on with it, go find someone better.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

jamesd said:


> *I agree with Lisa.* *You should get one or two good bangs out of her before you dump her. I am talking about doing some degrading stuff* *you normally reserve just for fantasies*.


What???? And you needed to quote _me_ for that kind of post? WTF!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

jamesd said:


> I agree with Lisa. You should get one or two good bangs out of her before you dump her. I am talking about doing some degrading stuff you normally reserve just for fantasies.


Wow yeah, act out a porno scene, and get her po'ed enough to break up with you. That's a great idea!

/end sarcasm

No offense to jamesd, but he's speaking as someone who's a sexually frustrated virgin. I think what _you should do is tell her that you know she's been cheating, you're through with her, and for her to have a nice day and to kiss your rear end.

_Of course, be polite and respectful about it.


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

Lisa said:


> What???? And you needed to quote _me_ for that kind of post? WTF!


It just seemed like the right thing to say to cheer him up.


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## Alduriam (Jun 30, 2011)

Lisa said:


> I don't think 'disgusting' is the right word here. It's not cool what she is doing and he should probably dump her. But when people are unhappy in relationships they do things like that. There are far worse things she could be doing.
> 
> Besides, in every relationship and their break ups it usually takes two to tango. Just saying....


Its "not cool"... when people are unhappy they "do things like that".... are you trying to justify her?

I don't care if there's worst thing she could be doing. She is being unfaithful and betraying her boyfriend, and that's very hurtful. And that guy who's trying to steal her, knowing she's in a relationship, is as low as her.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

A relationship rarely rebounds after trust is broken, so I think its right to end things. *Perkins* outlined things wonderfully. Follow that advice and avoid making a huge scene. Chances are she wouldnt care what else you have to say anyway, since she is disrespecting you by messing with this other guy.

Sucks bro and sorry to hear this, but its time to let this one go.


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## Wampo (Aug 14, 2011)

Here we go, its time for me to break up with her, wish me luck guys thanks for the advice! And if i break up with her, do i ever talk to her again? do i have to like not see her or talk to her?


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

Wampo said:


> Its really not that easy to just move on. I want to try to "move on" but my social anxiety cannot confront about it to her.


By 'move on' I meant break up with her.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

Good luck Wampo...the smartest decisions are often the hardest. 

I would suggest you avoid her at all costs, but that's me. I don't know why you'd want to...


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Alduriam said:


> Its "not cool"... when people are unhappy they "do things like that".... are you trying to justify her?
> 
> I don't care if there's worst thing she could be doing. She is being unfaithful and betraying her boyfriend, and that's very hurtful. And that guy who's trying to steal her, knowing she's in a relationship, is as low as her.


I am against vilifying her. There are always two people involved in the making and breaking of relationships.

And I do not believe in the concept of anyone 'stealing' anyone either.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

the cheat said:


> I don't know why you'd want to...


True that!


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Lisa said:


> I am against vilifying her. There are always two people involved in the making and breaking of relationships.
> 
> And I do not believe in the concept of anyone 'stealing' anyone either.


You definitely raise a good point. There are always two sides to a story and there are two people in a relationship. But in this particular case it seems wise to make a run for it.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

seafolly said:


> You definitely raise a good point. There are always two sides to a story and there are two people in a relationship. But in this particular case it seems wise to make a run for it.


True that! :b 
It sounds like she's trying to find a new relationship, before she decides to end the relationship in question...and if that's true, then OP, your soon to be ex and "Andrew" deserve each other. It'll feel like you lost something, but you're gaining things, namely your self-respect.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

seafolly said:


> You definitely raise a good point. There are always two sides to a story and there are two people in a relationship. But in this particular case *it seems wise to make a run for it*.


Yes, I had posted that before as well. It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship one would want to stay in.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

Lisa said:


> Yes, I had posted that before as well. It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship one would want to stay in.


Yeah I know we're rooting for the same result. I just repeated it simply because I don't think enough people read the entire thing before jumping to conclusions about an overall message from a person (totally repetitive and I find it annoying to do but it saves me grief later  ).


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

I hope you let us know how it went down.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

seafolly said:


> Yeah I know we're rooting for the same result. I just repeated it simply because I don't think enough people read the entire thing before jumping to conclusions about an overall message from a person (totally repetitive and I find it annoying to do but it saves me grief later  ).


Yes, things on here can get a little messy at times :wink


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## kunak (Mar 19, 2011)

Wampo said:


> Its really not that easy to just move on. I want to try to "move on" but my social anxiety cannot confront about it to her.


This is one of the reasons I don't want a relationship now. About the confronting her part I was just stop talking plain and simple lol.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

I once read that all girls are fair game whether they are in a relationship or not. This is because it does you a service by keeping you on your game and not becoming complacent in your relationship. When girls cheat it is done for the vast majority of the time because they are unhappy in their current relationship. If you keep them happy they will be far less likely to cheat. 

This makes logical sense in my head but with that said if I ran into the guy that my gf cheated on me with I'd hit him.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

Young people are more prone to playing the field. Don't beat yourself up over it though. The relationship sounds like its over to me or she's just trying to work up the courage to end it. You are still thinking about should i continue the relationship even though you're appalled by her behaviour and you no longer trust the woman. We've all been there. In a seemingly happy relationship and then suddenly we're faced with the prospect of it ending and don't want to let go. I don't think being fearful of the prospect of being alone again is sufficient grounds for continuing a relationship and all the while you'll let her walk all over you. In all relationships there are ups and downs though and times when you start to doubt the other person, but knowing what is paranoia and what isn't to some extent comes with experience and even then you might have to rely on a certain amount of faith in the other person. In your case i don't think it's fair what this girl has done. Based on the contents of those messages i would classify her behaviour as a form of cheating, even though she will play it down and act like its innocent.


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## keyla965 (Jan 13, 2011)

when in doubt , break up with her like the Joe bro did. _over a text message._

on a more serious note, what shes doing to you isnt cool a all and you deserve so much more than a cheating bimbo like her_._ OR you could cheat on her and _inform_ her on what you did so she might break up with you instead of you breaking up with her, so that u wouldnt have to confront her about breaking up urself.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Wampo said:


> Here we go, its time for me to break up with her, wish me luck guys thanks for the advice! And if i break up with her, do i ever *talk to her again*? do i have to like not see her or talk to her?


You can, I'd give it a couple months break in communication though. Make sure there is a clean break so you aren't acting out on emotions.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

FTFADIA said:


> I once *read* that all girls are fair game whether they are in a relationship or not. This is because it does you a service by keeping you on your game and not becoming complacent in your relationship. When girls cheat it is done for the vast majority of the time because they are unhappy in their current relationship. If you keep them happy they will be far less likely to cheat.
> 
> This makes logical sense in my head but with that said if I ran into the guy that my gf cheated on me with I'd hit him.


You might want to *read* a bit more critically.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

^^^^
sorry not sure what you mean. Did I miss something?


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## dominicwalli (May 12, 2011)

well...u can do 3 things...u can tell her the truth(about u seeing the messages) in a gentle way and ask her if she wants to continue with this relationship or break up,or tell her the truth(the messages) and then tell her that u doesnt care about him and ul do everything thats neccesarry to keep this relationship going...or the third 1..dont tell her the truth and simply break up with her..and tell ¨well now im not stopping u,u can go with that guy andrew i dont care anymore about u¨ ..but u know that that will only worsen it all,cause she will b vulnerable


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## Sam1911 (Dec 4, 2010)

take some screen shots of the convo and email them to that guys gf and then dump your gf


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

FTFADIA said:


> ^^^^
> sorry not sure what you mean. Did I miss something?


Your earlier comment assumes a lot. Namely, that women are passive, men are active, and women will cheat if men aren't appropriately active. Not necessarily true.

If a women in a relationship with me isn't making a comparable effort to make me happy as I'm making on her behalf, I'm gone. We'll let her decide how much of a loss that is, but stil.

I know, in nature such and such and mate guarding and resources.......Well in nature, some species devour their young or each other and no one shaves. Either we're* natural*, or we're not.


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## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

Here's my advice from someone who has been in a very similar situation - DUMP HER. But whatever you do don't tell her you've been reading her facebook messages - and another good suggestion for you is to NOT LOOK AT HER FACEBOOK MESSAGES. That's not only disrespectful but terribly wrong when you are in a relationship. I've been there in the same situation, believe me, but if you even get the slightest feeling that you can't trust her and have been fighting with her just break it off. It'll suck for a while, no doubt, but you'll feel better in the long run not worrying about what she doing and who she is doing it with. 

I'm telling you man, I've been there and it sucks but from the first post on here I can honestly say your best bet is to tell her you can't see her anymore because she clearly isn't happy with you - and leave it at that.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

Atticus said:


> Your earlier comment assumes a lot. Namely, that women are passive, men are active, and women will cheat if men aren't appropriately active. Not necessarily true.
> 
> If a women in a relationship with me isn't making a comparable effort to make me happy as I'm making on her behalf, I'm gone. We'll let her decide how much of a loss that is, but stil.
> 
> I know, in nature such and such and mate guarding and resources.......Well in nature, some species devour their young or each other and no one shaves. Either we're* natural*, or we're not.


What critical reading part am I missing? I answered OPs question with a belief of mine. I believe what you are trying to say is that you disagree with me and if that is the case maybe you should have said that.

Yes women are more likely to cheat if their partner becomes complacent in their relationship and stops doing all the nice things they did when they first went out. Am I wrong? I never said all women but the vast majority of women *who do cheat*, their main reason will be that they are unhappy in their relationship.

Men dont need to be unhappy to cheat, we will cheat for other reasons other than being unhappy. Men in happy relationships, when presented the opportunity for sex will do so at a higher frequency then women in a happy relationship. The disparity is not between women being passive and men being aggressive but rather the opportunity each sex gets at well being presented with sex. Its much easier for women to turn down sex given they are propositioned for sex more than men are.

I never said anything about a girl not putting in any effort on her part. Obviously she should be putting in the same amount of effort as her partner.

And your nature spiel at the end...I have no idea what you are getting at.


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## dominicwalli (May 12, 2011)

Sam1911 said:


> take some screen shots of the convo and email them to that guys gf and then dump your gf


yea,that would b a good thing to do,because those fking cheaters deserve that,im not saying that ur gf is a back stabber or anything,maybe that guy talker her down and ¨corrupted¨ her,u need to fix that or else shel always b that kind of girl


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

FTFADIA said:


> What critical reading part am I missing? I answered OPs question with a belief of mine. I believe what you are trying to say is that you disagree with me and if that is the case maybe you should have said that.
> 
> Yes women are more likely to cheat if their partner becomes complacent in their relationship and stops doing all the nice things they did when they first went out. Am I wrong? I never said all women but the vast majority of women *who do cheat*, their main reason will be that they are unhappy in their relationship.
> 
> ...


I do disagree with the ideas you're expressing. I think they're an oversimplifcation of any number of things. I do agree that typically women may have more opportunities to cheat, but one either respects his or her committments or not.

You may not have intended it, but your stance seems to excuse or at least mitigate women's responsibility for breaking a committment by shifting the responsibility to men for not being proactive in preventing it. If a guy's ignoring a women, she has every right to talk to him about it or leave the relationship, but cheating is still an inappropriate response.


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## psgchisolm (Jul 8, 2011)

Break up with her. LIKE NOW. She cheated on you once and is about to do it again. You are setting your self up for heartbreak. Just get it over with.


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## fatelogic (Jun 21, 2011)

This is how I see it... you two are not compatible. So there is nothing you can do to make the relationship work. Even if you were to make this work temporarily, you would be trying too hard to keep her happy because you two are not compatible. 

Best thing to do now is to just feel confident in yourself and take advantage of her for your own benefit... yeah I know sorry to say. That's what girls like her like. 

She seems like the type that will get taken advantage of a lot and then complain about it but then go back to it again = unstable. 

You would do yourself a favor if you leave her before your pride and confidence gets sucked out of you though. IMO.


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## drganon (Aug 10, 2011)

I'd just break up with her. If you don't feel like dealing with a confrontation,just stop talking to her and avoid seeing her. If she does eventually ask why you're avoiding her, just say you don't want to see her anymore and walk away. She really doesn't seem worth the effort.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

Atticus said:


> I do disagree with the ideas you're expressing. I think they're an oversimplifcation of any number of things. I do agree that typically women may have more opportunities to cheat, but one either respects his or her committments or not.
> 
> You may not have intended it, but your stance seems to excuse or at least mitigate women's responsibility for breaking a committment by shifting the responsibility to men for not being proactive in preventing it. If a guy's ignoring a women, she has every right to talk to him about it or leave the relationship, but cheating is still an inappropriate response.


Oh so you do disagree, I thought that is what you meant. You come off as really pompous and ignorant when you say that I should read a bit more critically when you use that in the entirely wrong context.

Well of course it is a bit of an oversimplification, otherwise we would be writing psych books here, but the underlying principle is correct. Women will cheat if they are unhappy in their relationship. What exactly are you disagreeing with me on? Whether it is right or wrong? I never said it was right. I said that is what happens.

Im sorry if I it came off as excusing or mitigating women's responsibility in breaking of a commitment but that was not what I meant. What I mean is that both parties share the responsibility of ending a relationship. Im say 1 that it is the guys fault for becoming complacent in the relationship and 2 that it is her fault as well if she chooses to cheat instead of talking things out.

Atticus you seem to vehemently disagree with me on placing any blame on the guys shoulder, why is that? I strongly believe that it is rarely the fault of one person in ending a relationship. You say you disagree with me on a number of positions yet you dont clarify what you mean and seem to constantly dodge my questions.

Maybe you can help me clarify your stance here, you know because my critical reading skill are not so great. I start of by saying "When girls cheat it is done for the vast majority of the time because they are unhappy in their current relationship." Notice how I say *when they cheat*, once again not referring to all women. Then you follow up with "...women will cheat if men aren't appropriately active. Not necessarily true." Well I never said they will cheat, once again I was saying of the women that do cheat, so I try to clarify that with you again by saying "I never said all women but the vast majority of women *who do cheat*, their main reason will be that they are unhappy in their relationship." Then you dodge my answer with this "I do disagree with the ideas you're expressing. I think they're an oversimplifcation of any number of things. I do agree that typically women may have more opportunities to cheat, but one either respects his or her committments or not." So once again you dont address the issue of when women cheat that it is because they are unhappy but rather bring up the morality of cheating. So let me ask you again, straight out what i want 1) do you agree that *when* women cheat it is usually because they are unhappy? and 2) Is it atleast *partially* the guys fault for becoming complacent in their relationship?


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

FTFADIA said:


> Oh so you do disagree, I thought that is what you meant. You come off as really pompous and ignorant when you say that I should read a bit more critically when you use that in the entirely wrong context.
> 
> Well of course it is a bit of an oversimplification, otherwise we would be writing psych books here, but the underlying principle is correct. Women will cheat if they are unhappy in their relationship. What exactly are you disagreeing with me on? Whether it is right or wrong? I never said it was right. I said that is what happens.
> 
> ...


In your original post (the one I first responded to {pompously}) you wrote that you once read that girls are fair game whether in a relationship or not. The "I once read" part seemed odd and of little value in furthering your argument, so I made a veiled reference to that. Apparently I used a thick veil, and I'm not calling you thick, I'm saying my reference was vague.

The "fair game" reference seems to fit with the idea that women are a prize to be sought, and then kept, by men. I don't think that's very flattering to either gender, and I think ideas like that ought to be challenged.

I think your belief that most men who cheat are sexual opportunists and most women who cheat feel neglected is pretty much conventional wisdom, meaning it has some surface appeal that relies on it remaining unexamined. Women do cheat because they're lonely and neglected. They also cheat for sex, because they want to force an end to a relationship, for revenge, out of boredom, and in increasing numbers because they have opportunities with work and travel and all the things that traditionally gave men opportunities. And just as the man in this thread shares some responsibility for his relationship fading, lonely and neglected women also share responsibility for their plight. Often, lonely and neglected women are in relationships with lonely and neglected men who may themselves cheat.

Men and women cheat for similar reasons. Women in relationshps are not "fair game" any more than men are. Men don't have some proprietary responsibility in a relationship, at least not for a couple of centuries.

I'm saying that my opinion is that your opinion does a disservice to men and women. I respond strongly precisely because it's a common opinion and it kind of saddens me that people still believe this. Of course, neither of us knows with certainty why anything happens. I believe, though, that there's ample evidence that men and women are far more alike than different, that men are not women's moral inferiors or intellectual betters, and that my belief is a win win for both sexes.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

Atticus said:


> In your original post (the one I first responded to {pompously}) you wrote that you once read that girls are fair game whether in a relationship or not. The "I once read" part seemed odd and of little value in furthering your argument, so I made a veiled reference to that. Apparently I used a thick veil, and I'm not calling you thick, I'm saying my reference was vague.
> 
> The "fair game" reference seems to fit with the idea that women are a prize to be sought, and then kept, by men. I don't think that's very flattering to either gender, and I think ideas like that ought to be challenged.
> 
> ...


Wow sir, are you a politician? You dodge and redirect incessantly and fail to answer my questions.

So lets look at my 2 questions again 1) "do you agree that *when* women cheat it is usually because they are unhappy?" You dodge by saying they cheat for many reasons blah blah blah but you do not answer what is the main reason. 2) "Is it atleast *partially* the guys fault for becoming complacent in their relationship?" then you post "And just as the man in this thread shares some responsibility for his relationship fading, lonely and neglected women also share responsibility for their plight." Yay so your now agreeing with me right?

So now your problem with me is that Im doing women a disservice by saying they are fair game. Instead of disagreeing with my ideas as you state here "I do disagree with the ideas you're expressing." Now you are picking at semantics and redirecting. If instead of saying "fair game" i said it is ok to pursue women in relationships does that make you feel better? To be fair I think it goes both ways, women should be able to pursue men in relationships as well. If you read my posts I do not attack either gender but phrase 2 questions which you have yet to answer. Seriously get off your high horse. You keep talking ethics and morality when I have said numerous times that both parties share responsibilities.

In summary I do think guys and girls cheat for similar reasons but I think men will cheat for sex at higher frequencies than women. I think both parties will be less likely to cheat if neither becomes complacent in their relationship. People hitting on others in relationships keeps us on our toes and forces us to step up our game. I believe both parties share some responsibility in a relationship gone bad. Please tell me where I am wrong?


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

FTFADIA said:


> Wow sir, are you a politician? You dodge and redirect incessantly and fail to answer my questions.
> 
> So lets look at my 2 questions again 1) "do you agree that *when* women cheat it is usually because they are unhappy?" You dodge by saying they cheat for many reasons blah blah blah but you do not answer what is the main reason. 2) "Is it atleast *partially* the guys fault for becoming complacent in their relationship?" then you post "And just as the man in this thread shares some responsibility for his relationship fading, lonely and neglected women also share responsibility for their plight." Yay so your now agreeing with me right?
> 
> ...


I'm a politician and you're a lawyer. Yes, women cheat because they're unhappy. Boredom makes them unhappy. Attention from an attractive new person can persuade them that they're unhappy. A situation that has them seeking revenge makes them unhappy. And a neglectful partner makes them unhappy. Same for men.

As a practical matter, a man or woman who is complacent in life or in a relationship is risking loosing the interest of their partner. So yes, a man who is complacent risks damaging his relationship. As does a woman who is complacent.

I agree with much of your comment that I bolded. I don't think relationships need a lot of outside sexual tension to avoid partners becoming complacent, though, and that can lead to some disastrous results.

While I agree with this version, this version is a bit different from your first comments. You've expanded your idea to include men and women and given them equal responsibility for things. That's not what I got from your earlier comments.


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## FTFADIA (Jul 26, 2011)

Atticus said:


> I'm a politician and you're a lawyer. Yes, women cheat because they're unhappy. Boredom makes them unhappy. Attention from an attractive new person can persuade them that they're unhappy. A situation that has them seeking revenge makes them unhappy. And a neglectful partner makes them unhappy. Same for men.
> 
> As a practical matter, a man or woman who is complacent in life or in a relationship is risking loosing the interest of their partner. So yes, a man who is complacent risks damaging his relationship. As does a woman who is complacent.
> 
> ...


Thank you for finally answering my questions!!! As for me expanding my ideas, well i had to because you brought in the ethics of shared responsibilities. I only included one side of the argument originally because that was what was relevant to OPs post.

Sorry OP for the derail.


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## gomenne (Oct 3, 2009)

Cheating in this society is becoming more common and in the "norm"
Who doesn't cheat ?
Men and women are equally guilty in this matter.
I don't get why people go into relationships if all they want is playing around. 
Humans are sadistic, hurting other's feelings is their ultimate goal.


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