# Did your mother or father abandon you as a child?



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Did either of your parents leave you and not try to visit much at all and/or not pay child support? Did this happen after divorce or were your parents never married in the first place? How old were you when this happened?


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## Xtraneous (Oct 18, 2011)

Dad left, I was in 2nd grade.


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## Syndacus (Aug 9, 2011)

Both, my real father left me when I was 5, and my real mom left me when I was 12.


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## rosa1992 (Mar 7, 2012)

my mother gave me away... and now that i ask her who my father is she says she doesnt know whats his name :/


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## rosa1992 (Mar 7, 2012)

why do you ask this? this happened to you?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

rosa1992 said:


> why do you ask this? this happened to you?


No, it didn't happen to me but on another thread I was discussing how life is often harder for women especially if they have kids because of many absentee fathers. So I wanted to see how many SASers were abandoned and by which parent.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f36/are-you-a-feminist-why-92055/index5.html

My dad did become an even worse parent though after my mom died when I was 17. Within a year or two he got rid of our house and had us move into my step-mom's one bedroom condo. Supposedly because the house had gone down in value and because my step-mom refused to pay for half the rent on a two-bedroom apartment. But they ended up going on all these European trips with the money they saved while my sister and I suffered in the living room (our bedroom). Luckily I left 2 years later but my little sister languished in the living room for a few more years.

You say your mom gave you away. Were you adopted by another family?


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

Does my dad dying when I was five count? Because I can't imagine that there's too much dissimilarity in how it FEELS to lose a parent from one circumstance versus the other.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

squidlette said:


> Does my dad dying when I was five count? Because I can't imagine that there's too much dissimilarity in how it FEELS to lose a parent from one circumstance versus the other.


Gee, I don't know. Maybe not. I think people who were abandoned would feel more pissed off at that parent and wonder why. My mom got leukemia when I was 12 and I just feel an incredible loss and sadness about her.


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## rosa1992 (Mar 7, 2012)

yeah well not legally but yeah my mom was just her neighbor and told her to give me to her and my biological mom who was 30 at the time said yes because she thought it was just a "game" and when the time came she felt forced to give me away.... what my biological mom told me haha stupid huh.


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

I'm not sure if I was supposed to read that reply in a sarcastic voice or not. I'm not great at detecting sarcasm.

In any case, I went through a lot of anger over my dad dying. Even anger directed at him as thought it was his fault, and dealing with feelings of betrayal as though he should have done something about it. I went through this for years, and it still screws with me from time to time. It's not rational, but five year olds aren't generally very rational to begin with, and the stages of grief have a great deal of irrationality to wade through anyway. That's coupled with the feelings of abandonment by the surviving parent who suddenly has to work harder and be away from home more as they've become a single parent with the sole responsibility for the household.

That's what I meant when I said it probably feels rather similar. Not exactly the same, no, but similar.

ETA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abandoned_child_syndrome says that the death of a parent can bring about abandonment issues, which makes sense to me. I don't know. Psychology is not my strong suit.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

squidlette said:


> I'm not sure if I was supposed to read that reply in a sarcastic voice or not. I'm not great at detecting sarcasm.
> 
> In any case, I went through a lot of anger over my dad dying. Even anger directed at him as thought it was his fault, and dealing with feelings of betrayal as though he should have done something about it. I went through this for years, and it still screws with me from time to time. It's not rational, but five year olds aren't generally very rational to begin with, and the stages of grief have a great deal of irrationality to wade through anyway. That's coupled with the feelings of abandonment by the surviving parent who suddenly has to work harder and be away from home more as they've become a single parent with the sole responsibility for the household.
> 
> That's what I meant when I said it probably feels rather similar. Not exactly the same, no, but similar.


I get what you are saying. No, I wasn't trying to be sarcastic. I actually was kind of pissed at my mom after she changed from the treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, bone marrow transplant). Her personality changed and she had brain damage but the doctors don't know how it happened. She was psychotic for a few months but that went away. I remember actually saying to her, "you're not my mom. my real mom is gone." Like you say it wasn't rational.

During the 5 years that she was sick and stuck at home unable to work, my dad got pretty depressed. He would often talk to me about things at night after having a few glasses of wine. He didn't really have anyone else to talk to since the rest of our family lived far away. My sister was only 6 at the time but she seemed to have dealt with it better than me (I dropped out of school). She was always the little helper but god only knows how it has affected her. She would get ready for school all by herself.


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## Aurora (Feb 27, 2009)

Does abandonment mean in the physical sense or can it be emotional? also can this relate to a parent abandoning an adult child? Because my mother I believe abandoned me emotionally as a child. She was just never there' emotionally. Shes a classic narcissistic mother. Look it up. I believe alot of people with SA may have had either a parent NPD or strong traits. My dad was the one who made my childhood. I have no memories of mother. When my parents separated when I was age 14. I lost a connection with dad. At age 16 when they divorced, Dad completely left us for his new wife, also with classic NPD. He has abandoned his daughters (sister recently) emotionally. Both parents are still in my life, physically, but both I feel have left their children/adult children emotionally. I dont think it can compare but having both parents leave you on this level still leaves a big scar and a deep dark abyss in my life.


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## GaaraAgain (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeah, my dad dipped when I was five and went back to his country.


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## squidlette (Jan 9, 2012)

It's pretty awful. It was cancer for my dad, so we went through the long process of dying as well. I'm sorry you and your sister had to go through it too. It's one of those things that I really wish I could make sure would never have to happen to anybody else ever again. It's one of the reasons I've liked volunteering with hospice patients and their families. It makes me feel like maybe I'm doing something to make that process easier for somebody else, even if I can't eradicate the awfulness entirely. 

Sorry for the bit of a threadjack. I've been a bit morose lately and it's easy for me to get sidetracked on that subject in particular.

More to the subject, I've also volunteered with mentoring groups for kids. Most of the kids in those programs come from single parent homes for whatever reason, and are dealing with the same emotions that I did (though without fail, they've all seemed so much stronger about it all than I ever was). I enjoy that too - it's sort of an opportunity to do all the things I wish my parents had been around more to do with me. Even though I don't think I'm particularly great with kids because I don't have any experience with them outside of these structured events, I get a lot out of that too. These kiddos don't need perfect flawless people to be there for them - they all react very well to having somebody to talk to or hang out with that can honestly say they've been there. I highly recommend the experience to other adults, no matter what their own childhood was like.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Neither, been lucky and sadly it seems in the minority in this day and age.


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## jim_morrison (Aug 17, 2008)

Father left, after a divorce when I was 4. Not really abandoned altogether, just did the fortnightly visit thing.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

My dad was hardly ever in my childhood but was still living with us until I was 15, that's when he left and never came back. He got in contact with me years later but never would keep his word, never would meet me like he said, I would wait for hours thinking maybe he would come but he never did... He ran away to mexico to skip child support :/


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## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

Not at all, I still have both of my parents fine and married. My dad went to work abroad when I was in high school though, but we see him every few months and he still brings home the bacon, so everything is fine ^^


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## Tentative (Dec 27, 2011)

Neither, both of my parents are still around.


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## kitshiv01 (Mar 6, 2012)

Yeah, my father left when I was 2 & no support, leaving me & my two bros behind. Lol according to my mother, he didnt even come see me til I was 2 months old because I was a girl :roll always fun.. 

Has his own family now, still don't talk to him.. When I was younger & had my half sister over, (because he was *attempting to be part of my life, just lols.. a couple days every few years? :roll) he was hugging her in front of me mentioning how shes his fav daughter.. like really? Just didn't bother with him at all afterwards, not like he was trying anyway.

Hes an alcoholic apparently and the two teens are spoiled brats, I'm really glad hes been out of my life.


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## VaeVictis (Jan 18, 2012)

My father left home when I was 3. My mother left me emotionally when I was 13


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

My parents were both there but very distant and cold.- I realize that's not what you're talking about - Just wanted to say,I've always found it odd how common it is that parents divorce then one of them remarries and pretty much "forgets" they even had children. I dated a couple of guys whose dads were extremely involved and loving with the new spouses kids and avoided their own children like the plague. I will never be able to understand that.


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## kitshiv01 (Mar 6, 2012)

Still Waters said:


> and avoided their own children like the plague. I will never be able to understand that.


Same.


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## Catnap (Dec 5, 2011)

It feels a bit iffy, but I voted "both", because repeatedly in my childhood due to my parents fighting each other so much, my mom would suddenly run away from home and nobody knew where she went or if she'd come back. My dad would take me and my sister with him to go drive around looking for her, which was very scary because whenever it would happen, he would be extremely angry and we were afraid of him. We also secretly hoped he wouldn't find her because we didn't know what he would do. 

We would also get left with relatives while our dad chased our mom to try to get her back or Mom would leave us with people to hide us from our dad. I remember staying with different people and crying myself to sleep because I didn't know if one or both of my parents would end up dead, because of the very bad fights they'd have and how reckless they seemed.. or if one or both would never come back.


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## Sadr00008 (Mar 9, 2012)

I'm Fortunate that my mother and father are always here for me at my side.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

mentally - yes, physically - no. kinda the same though.


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## rosa1992 (Mar 7, 2012)

thats worse no? well i think


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

My dad left and moved out of state when I was around 7. He came back when I was 12 for like a month and said he couldn't handle kids so left again. That's the only time I saw him. He didn't pay child support.

My mom is narcissistic and very depressed. She left me either alone at night or I would end up living with my grandma off and on. The longest I lived with my grandma was 3 years (age 12 to 15). My mom even got remarried during this time without telling me or asking me to live with her.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

My mum and dad split up when I was about 2.
I'd see my dad every other weekend and he paid child support (legally required, but still xD) so can't say he abandoned me.. Not that there was a huge emotional bond though.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Aurora said:


> Does abandonment mean in the physical sense or can it be emotional? also can this relate to a parent abandoning an adult child? Because my mother I believe abandoned me emotionally as a child. She was just never there' emotionally. Shes a classic narcissistic mother. Look it up. I believe alot of people with SA may have had either a parent NPD or strong traits. My dad was the one who made my childhood. I have no memories of mother. When my parents separated when I was age 14. I lost a connection with dad. At age 16 when they divorced, Dad completely left us for his new wife, also with classic NPD. He has abandoned his daughters (sister recently) emotionally. Both parents are still in my life, physically, but both I feel have left their children/adult children emotionally. I dont think it can compare but having both parents leave you on this level still leaves a big scar and a deep dark abyss in my life.


That sounds pretty awful. I don't really understand why so many men seem to lose interest in their kids once they remarry.

I guess I should have put more options in the poll. I wasn't thinking about emotional abandonment or inadvertent abandonment from death of the parent.


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

My parents divorced when i was 13 and my mom got the house so my dad had to leave. Even though we didnt see each other so often, I wouldn't say he abandoned me, if anything I left him by choosing to stay with my mom. I've always felt kinda guilty about it but I've also been mad in the past that my dad didn't reach out to me more. It's really hard having to choose between which parent you want to live with when you're forced to pick one, it was messed up. Truth be told i only stayed with my mom so i wouldn't have to move to a different place. I was pretty pissed at her for breaking up the family. I also got separated from my brother because he choose to live with my dad.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Neither, although my father is gone now.


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## Glacial (Jun 16, 2010)

My father chose alcohol over his family.


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## Jinxx (May 10, 2011)

Well my dad left when I was 5. I still talk to him on the phone but I hardly see him. Guess that counts.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

My mom ditched my dad, but then he was a wife beating/abusing drunk so it's not like he was a good man to start with. Too bad she realized it almost too late.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 11, 2011)

I was abandoned to the foster care system where I was abused for about 8 years then was finally adopted, but into a hyper conservative family (they were ALMOST Amish... they would have been if the community had let them.)


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## anonbearssoul (Feb 27, 2012)

My dad left and married another woman(ILLEGAL) while he was still married to my mom when I was a couple of weeks old.


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

I suppose my dad counts even though later we had interaction because I initiated it. He's a perfect example of SA and bipolar. Still won't use the phone. The marriage was doomed from the start. My mom got pregnant right away and I think I was in 3rd grade that she brought up dad was leaving. She likes to sit back and give orders for everyone to follow and first off his and my personality are not like that and 2nd SA or low energy from depression kept him from following them. Thus doomed. Since he doesn't use the phone and as a kid I refused to even listen to people on the phone there wasn't that contact. His SA probably contributed to not stopping by even though he drove nearby for work every day after the divorce. We did see them every other weekend for awhile but I started 4-h which had horse shows and meetings by 5th grade and my sister did dance so our weekends filled up and it wasn't until I was about 20 that I tried to get everyone to interact again. It failed miserably between my sister and my dad (she's a lot like my mom) but I hung out at my dad and stepmom's place quite a few times until they moved 2 states away a year ago. He was at my reception. Our wedding was private with only the required witnesses so there wasn't that. So it's kind of on the fence. Yes he disappeared, he had his reasons, we made it up later, and all I really feel for him is sympathy because he never did get his problems under control, said last time he had given up on meds, and now suffers many health problems that prevent him taking the meds that might help. His health problems led to other health problems that also stop him from doing any activity he enjoyed leaving him sitting in a special chair with a back brace watching tv and having no money to get anything better like games to play.


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## mysterioussoul (Jul 17, 2010)

does emotional abandonment count?

my dad was always physically there but never emotionally or mentally. there's no point of having a parent that is physically there but doesn't pay any attention to you. it's like living with a roommate.


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## Kakumbus (Mar 27, 2012)

where is the option, i wish they did?


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## Layla (Feb 24, 2012)

They have been together my whole life, but there was one point when I was younger when things were on the rocks and it looked like they may split, lucky they didn't.


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## foe (Oct 10, 2010)

Father left my mom and I when I was 8 years old, and he never came back cuz he liked his other woman and new family better. 

And since my parents weren't married in the States(we're immigrants), he didn't have to pay child support or anything like that. Plus, I don't have a birth certificate.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

My dad left me when I was in my early teens.

Honestly, for all of us who've had a parent leave, it gives us something to blame our SA on. Especially for those of us who are awkward when it comes to the opposite sex....

People just assume I'm slow with men cause I don't have a dad. Nice and easy explanation.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Physically no
Emotionally yes


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

Janniffy said:


> Physically no
> Emotionally yes


The same.....my grandmothers raised me.


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## Olesya (May 8, 2011)

calichick said:


> My dad left me when I was in my early teens.
> 
> Honestly, for all of us who've had a parent leave, it gives us something to blame our SA on. Especially for those of us who are awkward when it comes to the opposite sex....
> 
> People just assume I'm slow with men cause I don't have a dad. Nice and easy explanation.


This. Mine left when I was 6. Actually it still makes me sad whenever I think about it, but not to a degree that it was before, and it is causing me huge problems with the opposite sex.


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## Elixir (Jun 19, 2012)

I chose 'neither' because physically they didn't. However, I feel as though my mum has never really been there for me emotionally and psychologically. She annoys everyone in the family and I'm so grateful that I have dad around because if I didn't, things would have been much worse for me considering my mother's attitude.


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

No one abandoned me but it was very clear from a young age that I was just tolerated. As I got older in parents house it became apparent that they didn't care about me or my well being whatsoever. I dropped out at 16 and moved across the country, parents suck.


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## rgrwng (Aug 25, 2011)

when my mom was taking care of us, she pushed my dad away, so he never got to interact with us. we all lived as a family, but he has missed out on so much without interaction, he has a difficult time relating to us, and my mom complains he doesn't get involved with punishments or important talks. my mom always says hes wrong, and so it is hard for me to talk to him and get advice from him.


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## yamaneko (Nov 21, 2014)

Mother left me at 18


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## Shameful (Sep 5, 2014)

Oh, very old thread, idk if you still care. Yes, mother, I have pretty strong negative feelings about it still. Honestly, I kinda feel a lot of hate towards her, even though I know that's wrong.


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## EcoProg (May 24, 2014)

not really abandon, but they only listened to me for a short while. Damn stutter.


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

My dad did when I was a baby. Even so when my parents were together he never lived under the same roof as us. After I was born they went on dating for another couple years (while my dad was cheating on her throughout). I didn't see too much of him even then. As far as I know he and I were never close and never established a father-daughter bond. I remember crying when he held me once. I ended up calling my mom's other boyfriend (later fiance) Daddy, actually.

Anyway, it was for the best that he wasn't involved with me. He's scum. I ended up talking to him a year ago under awkward circumstances. Hearing the lies he spewed just all the more solidified my hate for him. It just left me feeling beyond infuriated by how remorseless he is still and hasn't grown up. I remember him saying he loved me, which I didn't believe. He never took the time to know me and obviously never cared in finding out. Even if he did actually love me, the point is, it really wasn't in the way that I_ needed _to be loved. Still, it was for the best he wasn't around. I know experiencing his kind of love wouldn't have been pleasant.


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