# The competitiveness in university bothers me.



## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

*Nosy Students at University Bother Me*

Quite often my classmates will ask me how well I did on an exam or test, usually right after we write one and again when we receive our marks. Most of the time they even ask to know the exact percentage I received. I don't feel comfortable with their nosy questioning because it's real not any of their business... it's a lot like asking someone how much the earn on their pay cheque -- it's _rude_.

When I give a vague response, trying to politely avoid their questions, they keep asking. I feel like I am on the verge of snapping and telling them all to **** right off. However, I can't because I have a year-long research assignment to do with the same people and that would create unbearable awkwardness for the next nine months.

What makes them think it's any of their business? 
They are all in their early to mid twenties. We are all in our 3rd year of university working toward an undergraduate degree in psychology.


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## InfiniteBlaze (Jan 27, 2011)

They have superiority complexes and want a reason to believe that they are superior to you.


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## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

Aren't you studying/pursuing psychology?


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

WTFnooooo said:


> Aren't you studying/pursuing psychology?


Yeah, and I have SA, which makes this an extremely uncomfortable situation for me. Being a student of psychology doesn't make me an expert on social interactions amongst competitive university students, nor does it dispell my social anxiety. So, your point is?


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

That sucks. I have the opposite problem. I want people to ask me, because I always do very well on tests. No one cares about me though.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

Holds The Key said:


> I do moderately well too. I mean, I'm not perfect but I maintain a 3.7 GPA. Most of the people I study with have at least 4.0 GPAs.
> 
> In order to have people care about you, you first have to show that you care about them.
> 
> ...


yea I keep to myself, because of my awkwardness/ anxiety.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Holds The Key said:


> Quite often my classmates will ask me how well I did on an exam or test, usually right after we write one and again when we receive our marks. Most of the time they even ask to know the exact percentage I received.


It's a conversation topic and something of curiosity. They're not out to get you.

If you don't want to tell, then make light of it... Say, "I'll never tell," or, "Wouldn't you like to know," or, "I don't want to know and neither do you," or whatever, and then change the subject.


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## zookeeper (Jun 3, 2009)

People talk to you during your classes? 

That is very different from my years in university. 

I can honestly count on my hand the number of people I spoke to in class, in all five years.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

Just Lurking said:


> If you don't want to tell, then make light of it... Say, "I'll never tell," or, "Wouldn't you like to know," or, "I don't want to know and neither do you," or whatever, and then change the subject.


That is a bit like how I respond, at first. When that doesn't work, I become quite firm about it, but they still ask. I'll try giving the humour angle more of a go. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> People talk to you during your classes?
> 
> That is very different from my years in university.
> 
> I can honestly count on my hand the number of people I spoke to in class, in all five years.


My social anxiety has only manifested in the past couple of years, after a series of stressful events. Sometimes I find it rather easy to talk to new people in *certain* situations, even when it's stressful. And I look approachable, I think.


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

Holds The Key said:


> Are you comfortable with that?
> 
> I ask because my husband has extreme social anxiety; however, he's perfectly fine with it and has absolutely no desire to socialize with anyone, except for me. For years he said it was because he was so dedicated to his education/career that he didn't have time for making friends. More recently, he has admitted he would never be able to socialize even if he wanted to. He is comfortable with it, though.


Nope lol


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## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

Holds The Key said:


> Yeah, and I have SA, which makes this an extremely uncomfortable situation for me. Being a student of psychology doesn't make me an expert on social interactions amongst competitive university students, nor does it dispell my social anxiety. So, your point is?


My point is that psychology deals with human behavior and you, as someone who has studied some of it, should be able to deal with it better than us.

Try to ask yourself why you don't want to share the information about your grades with these people. Which is something no one has asked you or you explained. ("It's not of their business" is not an honest explanation).


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## FixMeNow (Aug 20, 2014)

I wouldn't fuss over marks in liberal arts courses. Both the marking schemes and professors' expectations of students tend to be extremely arbitrary/open to interpretation, and even a student who writes an extremely compelling response may have it marked down for not being in line with the TA's opinions. It doesn't really mean anything if there isn't a real 'correct' answer.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

WTFnooooo said:


> My point is that psychology deals with human behavior and you, as someone who has studied some of it, should be able to deal with it better than us.
> 
> Try to ask yourself why you don't want to share the information about your grades with these people. *Which is something no one has asked you or you explained. ("It's not of their business" is not an honest explanation)*.


Yes, they have asked me. 
And, they have asked me repeatedly in spite of my unwillingness to tell them.

My grades are absolutely _none_ of their business. That is why the university itself stresses the confidentiality of students' grades and all students are made aware of this confidentiality in the first year. It is within my rights as a student to keep it private.

It seems like you are implying that my social anxiety is not justified because I have taken some university psychology classes. That is ridiculous.


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## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

Holds The Key said:


> Yes, they have asked me.
> And, they have asked me repeatedly in spite of my unwillingness to tell them.
> 
> My grades are absolutely _none_ of their business. That is why the university itself stresses the confidentiality of students' grades and all students are made aware of this confidentiality in the first year. It is within my rights as a student to keep it private.
> ...


Whether it is none of their business or a right for you to deny sharing this information, it does not answer the question of why you don't want to share that information.
Neither is claiming you have SA an explanation.
There is a deeper reason, one you might be ignoring or misunderstanding, which is causing further anxiety.

What you're doing is the equivalent of taking architecture classes, and going to a DIY forum to ask about the structural limitations of drywall.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Holds The Key said:


> Quite often my classmates will ask me how well I did on an exam or test, usually right after we write one and again when we receive our marks. Most of the time they even ask to know the exact percentage I received. I don't feel comfortable with their nosy questioning because it's real not any of their business... it's a lot like the taboo of asking someone how much the earn on their pay cheque.
> 
> When I give a vague response, trying to politely avoid their questions, they keep asking. I feel like I am on the verge of snapping and telling them all to **** right off. However, I can't because I have a year-long research assignment to do with the same people and that would create unbearable awkwardness for the next nine months.
> 
> ...


Yeah in my math classes the teacher would give us back out tests and they were all comparing out loud how much they got, funny thing is I was always graded higher than them and they never knew. Mwahahahaha. I agree with @InfiniteBlaze they just want to feel superior or they think they have the highest grade and even if they don't their extroverted egos still feel like sharing and showing off. I think they're ****ing annoying but I promise I am going to tell them my grade too and then when they find out I got a 94 they will pee in their pants. Don't be afraid to join in, they're the ones who will be in their pants not you.


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## theshyone92 (Apr 21, 2014)

Holds The Key said:


> Quite often my classmates will ask me how well I did on an exam or test, usually right after we write one and again when we receive our marks. Most of the time they even ask to know the exact percentage I received. I don't feel comfortable with their nosy questioning because it's real not any of their business... it's a lot like the taboo of asking someone how much the earn on their pay cheque.
> 
> When I give a vague response, trying to politely avoid their questions, they keep asking. I feel like I am on the verge of snapping and telling them all to **** right off. However, I can't because I have a year-long research assignment to do with the same people and that would create unbearable awkwardness for the next nine months.
> 
> ...


I understand that it can feel a little annoying. You can just tell them you'd rather not say. Alternatively, you can look at it as an opportunity to socialize, ask other students for help, or even get a study buddy. If you've gotten a bad grade, you can try to respond by making a joke out of it or laughing about it. College is hard and most students fail at something at some point, so I'm sure most students will just laugh with you because they understand.


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## Tomcat123 (Sep 30, 2015)

I hated that too, especially the kids that only talked about their grades when they did well and never mentioned it when they did not. But sadly competitiveness is not going to go away, society is obsessed with it, as long as you are around people you are going to have to deal with it, every job you'll have your going to have to hear talk about how well they are doing in life, or even make a competition of how their life is even worse than yours. Only a hermit does not have to deal with it, only the competition of survival.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

theshyone92 said:


> I understand that it can feel a little annoying. You can just tell them you'd rather not say. Alternatively, you can look at it as an opportunity to socialize, ask other students for help, or even get a study buddy. If you've gotten a bad grade, you can try to respond by making a joke out of it or laughing about it. College is hard and most students fail at something at some point, so I'm sure most students will just laugh with you because they understand.


Actually, this post was from last year. I was frustrated with their lack of manners.

While university is difficult, I do well in all of my classes and I've never failed anything, nor even come close to it. But, thank you for your suggestion.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

Tomcat123 said:


> I hated that too, especially the kids that only talked about their grades when they did well and never mentioned it when they did not. But sadly competitiveness is not going to go away, society is obsessed with it, as long as you are around people you are going to have to deal with it, every job you'll have your going to have to hear talk about how well they are doing in life, or even make a competition of how their life is even worse than yours. Only a hermit does not have to deal with it, only the competition of survival.


I agree with what you're saying, but after being a part of the working-world for 20 years, where people don't typically ask such bold nosy questions about private matters, I found their lack of propriety annoying as fcuk. :bah

Anyway, that was last year and I no longer have to see them any longer - thank goodness. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Tiffiduliu (Jul 7, 2014)

The competitiveness in university is preparing you for how competitive real life is. 

Nowadays, even getting a job at McDonalds has competition.


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## Mr Fluff (Sep 16, 2014)

Tiffiduliu said:


> The competitiveness in university is preparing you for how competitive real life is.
> 
> Nowadays, even getting a job at McDonalds has competition.


:sigh I'm 41 years old and I started working when I was 15 years old and kept working until I became a full-time student at 35 years old. I think I know about "real life" and competition.

I think most of the university students I meet don't have very much adult life-experience and therefore don't understand that what they're asking is none of their business. And their overt competitiveness makes them seem very insecure.


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## thetown (Aug 16, 2014)

I have definitely experienced this so many times. One day, I was casually looking up names on LinkedIn and came across one of my high school classmate's account. He was extremely smart and top of the class type of student, but I was really impressed by how much he has done since I last saw him. So many internships, TA positions, perfect gpa, and the list goes on and on. And worst of all is that he is just a freshman in college who just finished his first semester...

I saw this and realized how wasting my time by watching too much Netflix and sleeping over 10 hours a day isn't going to help me in any way. But, on the other hand, seeing his profile made me felt so much more motivated than I ever will be because comparing myself to him was something I did pretty regularly back in high school. So although competition can make you feel like poop when you compare yourself to other people, competition can also bring you far in life.


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## lolelicious (Jan 27, 2016)

People around me (and myself) pretty much just do it to have something to talk about, and because one teacher is known for having inconsistent and nonsense grading so people always check with each other.

But there has been 1 rare case where I could tell someone was only asking people so they could look better, but I don't think this is generally the case.


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