# Depression is killing me



## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Living in Darkness,

Please excuse my interjections here:


living in darkness said:


> I know that I will suffer from depression for the rest of my life. It's not worth going on like this. The loneliness of the past few years has left me scarred. The failure and the humiliation, it just leaves me with bitterness and disgust. I'm not willing to live the rest of my life alone, like some castaway failure of mental health treatment


You don't know that you will be living the rest of your life alone. I don't think you are a failure of mental health treatment either. You read perfectly sane. I don't see your post in different colors or a discussion about radio signals from the planetary alignment of the Tinky-Winky solar system.



> , having some babbling idiot who doesn't know a @#%$ thing about this disease drone on an on about how I can get through this "one day at a time" and "having a relationship isn't everything" I swear to God I just want to rip his @#%$ spinal column out. You try living alone in misery and taking these worthless pills, and putting on a fake smile everyday because nobody understands your pain or even takes you seriously. That's the worst part, nobody understands this unless they've been through it themselves. Nobody wants to talk about the millions of people who haven't been helped by therapy and medication, who continue suffering year after year. Psychologists are so self-congratulatory, each one with his own little pet theory, as if they've even made a dent in the problem.


I do understand; I work with people who think I am crazy and all I want is a social life without fear of judgment. They cast me out like a freak (even tried to kick me out of a church - spiritual abuse), and nobody believes me. I keep fighting, though, because I know I am worth it. I think I would make one heck of a husband and father someday.

I know that last paragraph was erratic, but I was venting. :mum
Anyway, You have been fighting for as long as you have for a reason - you are trying to find yourself. It is a painful thing to do, but so rewarding in the long run. You can see things that most people would miss!


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## murderedpsyche (Sep 11, 2005)

Yeah, depression sucks. :sigh :rain 

A lot of people understand what you feel, living in darkness :hug


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## forbsey (Sep 22, 2005)

I hate being depressed all the time. I feel as if I'm living each day for no apparent reason, I just simply happen to exist. Sometimes I go through entire days without ANY social interaction even with my family and I just lock myself in my room all day. I don't even have any emotions any more, I am completely empty, hopeless and worthless :rain


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## missnat84 (Dec 31, 2004)

Depression has taken over my life too. I hate every minute of every day,i didnt ask to be born.

I feel like no one understand or even cares and i feel like everyone is against me-even my family. Ive been really irritable lately and had a arguement with my mum and sister and i had to get away from them so i went to my room and punched the wall hard,sometimes the physical pain is much more bearable than the emotional pain.


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## BeautifullyDemented (Oct 17, 2005)

I know what you feel like. :hide

Every day it seems to get worse, this pain. I could just lay all day, not doing anything, staring blankly or sleeping. It feels like nothing's worth it anymore. I have to remind myself every single day why I'm still around, and my excuses get weaker and weaker every time. I feel hopeless and worthless, hated and despised. I throw things when I'm angry, punch walls and kick things until its all broken -- just like me.

<3 I do hope you keep fighting it, though. Giving up hope is admitting that your depression is stronger then you, and its not. It doesn't have to be.


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

I understand your anger with the mental health field. I've seen at least a dozen mental health workers over the years without receiving much help. Their therapies didn't work, and/or they had me taking medications that didn't work. 

I finally decided to do my own research into medications; and I found that Nardil was very highly rated for both social anxiety and depression. Have you tried it? It's the only medication that worked for me. 

I hope you find something that works for you, and that you get to feeling better real soon.


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## Caedmon (Dec 14, 2003)

living in darkness said:


> You try living alone in misery and taking these worthless pills, and putting on a fake smile everyday because nobody understands your pain or even takes you seriously. That's the worst part, nobody understands this unless they've been through it themselves.


Yeah, I've noticed that it's a real conversation killer.

"Hi Chris. How was your weekend?"

"Oh, well last weekend I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and stopped any semblance of personal hygiene, because I was too numb and scared to do anything else. When I wasn't sleeping I was imagining that I was someone entirely different. You?"

*Coughs on water*

Oh well. When I get into a really deep pit, it's pretty much entirely an existential trap. I only have overcome it (_if_ I do) thru letting the Ground of my being take my will. And then that only gets me started, it's all still uphill. Oh, now I have to go watch Taxi Driver or Pi something, damn. :|


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## ShyViolet (Nov 11, 2003)

I can relate to everything you said. I get so depressed sometimes even the simplest tasks seem difficult. Running down to the bank or post office? Forget it. I know it this is disgusting, but now and then I go a couple of days without even changing my clothes. Little every day things people do just take up too much energy. 

I often feel lonely, but at the same time friendships seem draining. When I'm around chipper outgoing people it makes me feel worse. I have one good friend who I often don't even like talking to because I get so jealous of her. She has a job, a boyfriend, lots of other friends, she's often upbeat. I just can't deal with it. 

I done the meds and therapy thing too, and still I feel like crap. I know that head pain you're talking about, the heavy feeling, the fatigue. It's hell. 

:hug


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## Nae (Nov 10, 2003)

Caedmon said:


> living in darkness said:
> 
> 
> > You try living alone in misery and taking these worthless pills, and putting on a fake smile everyday because nobody understands your pain or even takes you seriously. That's the worst part, nobody understands this unless they've been through it themselves.
> ...


yup, gotta agree with all of the above. I'm not so sure people that have never experienced true clinical depression want to know just how incapacitating it can be...nevermind understanding it.

For me the 'days rolling into days' symptom is one of my least favorite and usually happens when I do not have a set schedule or landmark appointment or some equally important thing to get done. A thursday, friday, saturday and then sunday could pass before I realize it.


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## dismal_dame (Aug 7, 2005)

living in darkness said:


> Constant fatigue and apathy. Everything seems so pointless. Haven't checked the mail in weeks. Going to the store to buy groceries is impossible. I've had the same pile of dirty dishes in the sink for I guess about two weeks. I try so hard to get things done. Most of the time I just lay here.
> 
> I've been suffering from clinical depression and dysthymia for 19 years,


 :squeeze Darkness, I have the same problem. Even though I was diagnosed with dysthymia sometime last year, it took me awhile to figure out that my bad attitude, lack of motivation and crying spells that have been going on every since I can remember are from depression.

People tell me I just need to get out or take a class, or volunteer and I try to explain to them, that no, I don't enjoy being miserable, I just know none of this is going to work. I've tried it when I could. And the times I don't try these methods yet again is because I can't. I know I should get up and do "things" but just like yourself, I don't see the point in anything. :stu

I'm just going to die anyway. Why bother boggling myself down with more responsibilty and obligations when it won't matter in the end. I wish I could find a zest for life, to not want to pull the covers over my head every morning when I wake up. I wish I could be happy.

Sometimes this type of depression is harder to deal with because it stays with us for so long and it really does just become a part of your personality. I was talking to Grandmother a few days ago, and she says "You're so grumpy" And this took me by surprise because I go out of my way to seem happy and upbeat, but I'm not and it shows. But instead of it coming across as depression like it would with a person who at one point in there life was really happy and upbeat and then all of sudden crashed into the pit of despair, I've always been here and people really just think it's the way I am. But again, I want to be happy. I just don't know how.

Darkness, I'm sorry I can't find anything uplifting or positive to say to you right now. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you made me feel somewhat less alone.


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## dismal_dame (Aug 7, 2005)

ShyViolet said:


> I can relate to everything you said. I get so depressed sometimes even the simplest tasks seem difficult. Running down to the bank or post office? Forget it. I know it this is disgusting, but now and then I go a couple of days without even changing my clothes. Little every day things people do just take up too much energy.
> 
> I often feel lonely, but at the same time friendships seem draining. When I'm around chipper outgoing people it makes me feel worse. I have one good friend who I often don't even like talking to because I get so jealous of her. She has a job, a boyfriend, lots of other friends, she's often upbeat. I just can't deal with it.
> 
> ...


I had to respond to this post because EVERYTHING you said here ShyViolet resonates with me as well. Most definitely about being lonely but being around/talking the friends I do have makes me even sadder. I hate myself for being jealous of my friends and family for not having to be me, but I can't help it. It's just easier for me not to answer the phone and turn down invites to go places. You put it perfectly, "I just can't deal with it."


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## elephant_girl (Dec 10, 2004)

living in darkness said:


> Depression owns me 100%.


me too.


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## murderedpsyche (Sep 11, 2005)

dismal_dame said:


> Darkness, I'm sorry I can't find anything uplifting or positive to say to you right now. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you made me feel somewhat less alone.


 :dito


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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

I hate being depressed all the time, life is meaningless... every day I get up like a zombie, get ready for school, go there, sit quietly and sketch all over my notebook as I pretend to listen to the teacher. I walk around with my head down wondering when this hell is going to end. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep again, asked God why I was born.. I hate my senseless existence. I wanted to kill myself today, going over the speed limit and crashing into a building.. instead i almost hit some guy walking in front of my car.. jerk.. I look so tired all the time, every ounce of energy is drained from my body.. like a ragdoll. All there is to do is stare at the ceiling and talk to myself.


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## Melusine (Jun 19, 2004)

I can so relate, i get up in the morning and feel the exact same way, have noone that understands me, that i can talk to and doesn't tell me things like 'oh, just get out there and do it' and mean comments about how useless i am around the house. 
I feel like a meaningless existence too, and ask God lots of times why i was born, and why such a crappy existence? I wish i could at least get some solace from someone, i just can't wait to fall asleep everynight and dream.


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

living in darkness said:


> [quote="Captain Woodchuck":fc46f]I understand your anger with the mental health field. I've seen at least a dozen mental health workers over the years without receiving much help. Their therapies didn't work, and/or they had me taking medications that didn't work.
> 
> I finally decided to do my own research into medications; and I found that Nardil was very highly rated for both social anxiety and depression. Have you tried it? It's the only medication that worked for me.


I'm actually going back to the clinic tomorrow. My counselor approved me for Nardil, so as long as the doctor ok's it, it looks like I'll finally be able to try it! This is my last hope. I really think Nardil is going to make a big difference. @#%$ doctors. If I hadn't done the research on my own, like you said, they would have let me linger on taking taking one SSRI after another forever.[/quote:fc46f]

That's good news.

I'm truly hoping your doctor will ok Nardil for you. Nardil works for many people (like me) when nothing else works. Instead of living in darkness, you'll be living in light!

Keep us posted.

Best of luck!


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## brokenlight (Mar 10, 2004)

"I'm actually going back to the clinic tomorrow. My counselor approved me for Nardil, so as long as the doctor ok's it, it looks like I'll finally be able to try it! This is my last hope. I really think Nardil is going to make a big difference. "

That is really good to hear!


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## zero (Oct 10, 2005)

Sure can relate to your post. :dito I can't decide which is worse, depression or anxiety. With me, I think they're interelated.

Good luck with the Nardil - I took it for a couple of yrs., and it was the BEST medication I've ever taken for both SA & depression.


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## Elsa (Jul 4, 2005)

You guys I need this post.

My little 15 yr old sister died of cancer about 2 weeks ago. I wasn't exactly in tip-top mental shape before this happened, but now I'm a wreck.

I just wonder when all this pain is going to end. I first began struggling with depression when I was 18. I'm 25 now and looking back, I can't even distiguish in the past 7 years the major depressive episodes from the not-so major ones. Yeah, I've had some happy times, but overall, I'd say the depression is gaining the upperhand.

I don't want to think about suicide--with my sister just passing I couldn't do that to my mom and brothers. However, I can't help WISHING WISHING WISHING it was me who had died and not my sister.

And like darkness said, most normal people just don't want to talk about depression and other "unpleasant" subjects. They want you to put on a happy face and get your positive attitude out!!! But screw them. I frankly don't care right now if everyone at my workplace thinks I'm anti-social and pissy. What's the point anyway? What's one more miserable day? :mum


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## Jess (Oct 23, 2004)

*disthymia?*

what is disthymia?>


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## casio784 (Nov 14, 2003)

Elsa, I'm really sorry about your sister... I don't really know how to respond to that, what can you say... everytime I try to write something I feel it's stupid or not good enough and just delete it. But I just want to say that you're in our thoughts. Hang in there...


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## Elsa (Jul 4, 2005)

newtype: Thank you so much for your post. It means a lot. :thanks


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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

Captain Woodchuck said:


> I'm truly hoping your doctor will ok Nardil for you. Nardil works for many people (like me) when nothing else works. Instead of living in darkness, you'll be living in light!
> 
> Keep us posted.


Well, I go back in tomorrow for the final decision, but it's not looking good. I saw the doctor on Monday, and he told me that he doesn't want to go with Nardil. He wants to put me on Lamitcal. It's the same thing I went through with my last psychiatrist. First it was Seroquel. Then it was Topomax. He tried me on so many antipsychotis and anticonvulsants, all of these medications with no proven track record for anxiety and depression, and it did nothing to help me. I actually broke down and started crying in his office. My counselor was in there, and he even asked the doctor if there was any way we could possibly go with Nardil?

They told me that they would "look into it", and I'm supposed to go back in tomorrow. I was feeling hopeful, but then my counselor called me yesterday and told me that he had some great news. At first I got really excited, then he told me he had found this study showing really good results with Lamitcal for treatment-resistant depression. When I asked if they were willing to reconsider Nardil, he got kind of nervous and just said in this quiet voice that they were "willing to work with me", and that they are going to "help me get better" which I'm sure means no.

It just seems so hopeless. Doctor's seem sooo afraid of MAOI's. I could tell that this guy had no experience with ever prescribing them. I've been reading up on Nardil online, and so many people are saying that it's the only thing that ever worked for them. It kills me knowing that I'll probably never find a doctor willing to try it. I totally broke down yesterday after I talked to my counselor. Could not stop crying for hours. I feel like this is my last resort, I've tried so many things. I really think I'm a perfect candidate for an MAOI because my depression and anxiety _has been _treatment resistant. I've been on 10 different SSRI's alone. This has been going on for almost 20 years. 20 years of my life. I can't live with this kind of pain anymore. What should I do? God could somebody please tell me what to do? I'm willing to try anything. I know I'm starting to freak out again. It's just that I really think this is the solution but I can't find a doctor who will consider it. I even tried looking for a way to order it from an online pharmacy but couldn't find anything. I feel like I have no chance of ever getting better. It's so disappointing and just so ****ing frustrating. I know I'm going to break down again in his office tomorrow but I don't care. I just want some help. I want to be free of this _so bad_.

:rain :rain :rain


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Living in Darkness,

You ought to be commended for even trying as much as you have so far. I am sorry to read that you are having so much difficulty with your medications - I remember having the same problems at first.

Maybe you could discuss with your doctor about the possibility of taking the Nardil if Lamictal doesn't work. I know that I have a similar issue with my psychiatrist regarding my Paxil. It has made me gain weight, but the thing is that it works. Anyway, it leaves the option open and gives your doctor something to think about. Maybe you could also get some information about Nardil to present him/her. 

I don't know; it's just a suggestion - good luck, though.


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## Parlay? (Oct 28, 2005)

I also relate with the depression, - (the "i didnt ask to be born" entry really hit me) but i know the main thought causing it. (which stems from social anxiety) The fact of not being able to fully integrate and change my life.


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## Caedmon (Dec 14, 2003)

:squeeze

I don't mean to be a jerk, but why do you want Nardil so much? It hits serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, glutamate, and GABA. You would get the same thing by taking Cymbalta + Neurontin, minus gaining thirty pounds and not having access to 70% of any other drugs. Really. Although, Lamictal is a good augmentative agent from what I've read.

The best treatments for refractory depression, in terms of evidence, are (in descending order): electroconvulsive therapy, Lithium, thyroid augmentation. If you're really tired of all of this, get gussied up for some ECT, it is still the gold standard of treatment.

Another view: Treatment-resistant depression


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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

millenniumman75 said:


> You ought to be commended for even trying as much as you have so far.


I think it's more a question of not trying enough. Not switching doctors because I was afraid of hurting his feelings, not speaking up for myself when I thought medication wasn't working, not doing enough research on my own, etc. Remember, this whole thing has been playing out for years.

I guess, to give myself some credit, I simply didn't realize that I would have to take so much responsibility for getting better myself. I didn't know that I would have to read up on medications, for instance. I really thought that was his job. It's not like I've been to medical school or anything, or that I'm even capable of fully understanding the complex interactions of these drugs with the human mind. What I learned, however, is that many psychiatrists simply don't have a clue. If your depression is treatment resistant, most don't know how to help you, or even _want_ to spend that much time with you.

It's like what happened on Monday. I didn't want to request another doctor because both of these guys, my counselor and the new doctor, are really trying to help me. They're obviously concerned about me, and have even broken some of the rules there in order to try to help me. Still, I went in today ready for battle. I had decided that it was my life, and at the end of the day, these guys aren't the ones who are clinical depressed and crippled by anxiety. I was going to request a new doctor, a new counselor, was going to do whatever I had to and not run from the confrontation. I'm happy to say that I didn't have to do anything. I've been approved for Nardil! I'm so excited, and I really feel like this is it. This is going to work. Apparently they are taking me very seriously. They even told me I could have Electroconvulsive Therapy if this doesn't work. I think this is what I've needed all along. Someone willing to agree to try last resort type methods and pull out the heavy artillery.

The pharmacist there is really great as well, and we had a long talk about both Nardil and ECT. He's been explaining things to me like what makes an MAO inhibitor effective, and exactly why it interacts with things like chocolate and pain medication. This guys level of knowledge is amazing. I've been smiling all day, I really think I'm on the road to recovery here. Even if this doesn't work, I think they are finally taking me seriously and, I believe, admitting that my case really may be a bit different. I'm willing to do ECT, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I know there's no magic bullet, but I really think this is going to be effective and that I'm going to get some relief soon.


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## Caedmon (Dec 14, 2003)

That's great to hear.


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## living in darkness (Apr 17, 2005)

Caedmon said:


> I don't mean to be a jerk, but why do you want Nardil so much?


Are you kidding me? Nardil is still considered _the _standard for treatment of Social Anxiety. I think a lot of people would love to be placed on it if they could convince their doctor, which isn't easy to do. It's also been proven to be highly effective for refractory depression. So many people have said it's helped them when nothing else worked.



> It hits serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, glutamate, and GABA.


Exactly!



> You would get the same thing by taking Cymbalta + Neurontin, minus gaining thirty pounds and not having access to 70% of any other drugs.


I think it's a bit remiss to say you could get the same thing. I mean, you can't get the same effects of one drug by taking another. I'm sure this combination works for some. However, there simply hasn't been the same amount of studies and proven results with this combination vs Nardil. I'm too far gone to have faith in something that hasn't been proven. I've never tried Cymbalta and Neurontin, but I have been on similiar combinations of drugs in the past.



> The best treatments for refractory depression, in terms of evidence, are (in descending order): electroconvulsive therapy, Lithium, thyroid augmentation. If you're really tired of all of this, get gussied up for some ECT, it is still the gold standard of treatment.


It's funny you should mention ECT. I just spoke about this with my doctor today, and they have agreed to go ahead with it as a last resort. My only concern is that my memory has been badly damaged already, ECT could easily destroy what's left of it, but I'm willing to take that chance. I feel like I can't go on much longer without some kind of relief.

I do respect your opinion, though. You have an amazing knowledge of drugs, and you're a nice guy, so no offense taken or anything. I hope I didn't come across as a jerk as well.


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## Caedmon (Dec 14, 2003)

I hadn't thought about the anxiety component also not being treated well enough. I looked over your meds from one of your posts in the med forum, and noticed you've had some unsuccessful trials of benzos (unsuccessful, where it starts to turn into addictive behavior). So one really great thing I think about trying Nardil is what it can do for your anxiety, not just depression - and of course any time something can effectively kill that anxiety component, it will help mood immensely. I would agree with your preference for Nardil at this point. Let us know how it works for you.

ECT actually improves memory long-term in most patients, although it will do some short-term memory loss that centers around the treatment (forgetting what the nurse said to you before the treatment, etc). And it's not known if that short-term problem is because of the ECT or because of the anaesthesia (after all, I've had surgery before and I can't clearly recall some of what happened before and immediately after it - some of the drugs used in anaesthesia can do this). From what I've read, ECT causes full remission of depressive symptoms in a whopping *90%* of patients, and there isn't exactly a drug company out there pushing those stats either, quite the opposite (if a patient goes and gets ECT done they don't exactly need Pfizer to hold their hand quite so much).

All in all good luck, and I'm glad we weren't jerks to each other. :lol


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## Captain Woodchuck (Sep 24, 2005)

living in darkness said:


> I've been approved for Nardil!


That's good news!

Your doctor is finally listening to you and taking you seriously.

You've suffered enough!

Best of luck with Nardil.

Keep us posted.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Big bump. Im sure many of us can relate with depression I found zoloft quite helpful but its efficacy gave out on me. Now i just try to fight through.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

ShyViolet said:


> I can relate to everything you said. I get so depressed sometimes even the simplest tasks seem difficult. I know it this is disgusting, but now and then I go a couple of days without even changing my clothes. Little every day things people do just take up too much energy.


I have started to notice though by not doing the little things daily like changing my clothes , brushing my teeth or not having a shower make me even more depressed. I make sure that I do these things.


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## mardy423 (Aug 27, 2008)

please watch this video


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## antonina (Oct 25, 2008)

I hope the Nardil works. As far as the ECT, I would be careful. There was one woman who was in the field of math and science and she couldn't do her job anymore, after having ECT. It did serious damage to her memory.

I also know how you feel. I have suffered with this thing ever since I was a kid. I'm taking CELEXA now and it does seem to block the anxiety, but I'm concerned I may be on too high of a dose. I just want to lay in bed. Typically I am too anxious for that kind of depression. I also am on vacation. I actually do better when I am at work because I am very busy on my job and it takes my mind off myself. I actually am beginning to dread my vacation time. I have a lot of it too. If I don't have somewhere to go I have the MOST difficult time in the world getting out of bed. I am really disgusted at myself right now. I have been getting up at 11:30 a.m. I set the alarm for 9:15, but I just keep hitting it and sleeping. When I get up I am dragging myself around. 

I really also don't like the treatment I get at Kaiser. They don't want to even see people for therapy. I don't think medication is the total answer. I can see that cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful, but very difficult for me to do. These dark moods I have been having though are clearly related to my thought processes. When I am at work I don't have the time to be thinking these negative thoughts over and over. I can't stand my thoughts. I guess I have to find a way to schedule my day as if I was at work. If anyone has experienced this let me know.

Antonina


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