# WHat advice to your have for someone younger than you with SA



## RedHouse (Jul 13, 2019)

Am 23...Well I saw a couple of 21 year olds on this forum,to them I say please try harder : don't settle with just being fine, seek discomfort , allow yourself to live ,bond and love ,Say YES to all social invites , don't always use academics as an excuse not to be social, socializing is not wasting time. This forum is full of depressing things and thoughts but don't just look to relate to us or the posts seek to avoid what we are going through. There can be a better ,healthier path if you try now.


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## RedHouse (Jul 13, 2019)

I meant "what advice do you have for someone younger than you with SA"


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I didn't have any answers when I was younger and I dont have any answers now. happiness is a mirage.


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## ozyx (Jan 20, 2016)

Don't give in to peer pressure just to get approval from your friends/acquaintances if you are about to do something which goes against your own common sense, I find that people afflicted with anxiety problems are doubly susceptible to this as our incessant self-criticism keeps on casting doubts and problems with every decision we make, and how they could possibly affect others' perception of us, that was the case with younger me anyway.



Also, if they can't respect your decision, then they're no friends of yours.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Don't quit before you try. Most of life was nonexistent because I was too scared to even try. If you fail you fail but don't quit on yourself...take a leap.


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## MCHB (Jan 1, 2013)

Push through it!


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

1. Happiness is a state of mind

2. Think long-term or you will probably live to regret it. What I mean by that is if your main goal in life wherever you are now is to acquire friends, you should probably be asking yourself what they will mean to you 30 years from now. Most of the friendships people forge as young people are superficial and don't last much past the age when everyone starts getting married. The plain truth is (at least where I live) you can live without friends if you have a decent job and good financial sense. It generally does not work out the other way around. When you get older, people see you as a liability if you are needy (financially or socially). Especially since most of your acquaintances will have moved on and have a lot to lose by associating with people who have nothing.

There are some cases where making friends will get you places so there's nothing wrong with experimenting with that if you haven't. Just don't count on it. And remember. These people have somewhere in mind that they want to go while they're doing college or whatever it is. Their goal in life is not to hang out with you. And if it is, you should probably think twice about hanging out with them.


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## zonebox (Oct 22, 2012)

Don't take my advice too seriously.. ;p What works for me, is not likely to work for others.. wish it would, then I would be some amazing guru..well no, scratch that, I don't want to be an amazing guru, then I would have to live on a mountain, and that would be kind of cool, but people would keep coming to my door asking all sorts of questions about the meaning of life, or what they should be doing.








​
As such there is no advice to be given. Other than, don't take advice from strangers. I wish you well in your endeavors oh young ones


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## leaf in the wind (Mar 28, 2017)

Kevin001 said:


> Don't quit before you try. Most of life was nonexistent because I was too scared to even try. If you fail you fail but don't quit on yourself...take a leap.


Agreed. Don't be afraid of failure. Chances are it's going to happen a lot - people won't like you, companies will reject your job applications, your partner may cheat on you or leave you.

Some of us get a smoother ride than others, but it's all part of living and we just make do with the hand we're dealt. Gotta roll with the punches (and kicks)!


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

Don't be too hard on yourself when things don't go according to plan. You got out there and gave it a shot, and that's awesome. In fact, it might have gone better than you think. Just take it easy on yourself, take a deep breath, and give yourself time to regroup if you need it. There's no shame in trying and failing, in fact it's a noble thing to do.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

leaf in the wind said:


> Agreed. Don't be afraid of failure. Chances are it's going to happen a lot - people won't like you, companies will reject your job applications, your partner may cheat on you or leave you.
> 
> Some of us get a smoother ride than others, but it's all part of living and we just make do with the hand we're dealt. Gotta roll with the punches (and kicks)!


Yep


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## RSxo (Apr 19, 2018)

Have some grounding. Know what you can definitely do, so that when something doesn't go right, you don't go off on a tangent thinking that you can't do anything.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Don't hide.


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## DukeDuck (Jul 27, 2016)

I'd tell them that attitude is really important. Don't see SA as a hindrance. See it as a challenge.


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## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

RedHouse said:


> Am 23...Well I saw a couple of 21 year olds on this forum,to them I say please try harder : don't settle with just being fine, seek discomfort , allow yourself to live ,bond and love ,Say YES to all social invites , don't always use academics as an excuse not to be social, socializing is not wasting time. This forum is full of depressing things and thoughts but don't just look to relate to us or the posts seek to avoid what we are going through. There can be a better ,healthier path if you try now.


I am 25 so my advice trumps your advice. I say only say yes to social invites if you think they are going to be fun. DO only what you think you are going to enjoy. You should not feel bad about not doing things you don't enjoy. If you'd rather sit home and read a book, than going to a social event, do that. Do not let other people control what you should do.


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## Excaliber (May 16, 2015)

Change is a scary thing but a necessity in order to learn and build your skills, don't let your fear and anxiety stop you from pursuing your goals/dreams because if you never give yourself the chance you will only live within a comfortable misery, wondering with regret what could have happened. Take things slow, start with a small goal and build upon it towards the complete project.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Yes valium is a good idea, I need drugs asap :yes


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## Whatswhat (Jan 28, 2018)

Don't give in to the sirens' call of avoidance.


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## Dispatch (Jun 25, 2019)

Whatswhat said:


> Don't give in to the sirens' call of avoidance.


^ Agree 100% ... my SA manifests itself as 'anticipatory anxiety' ( it's quite paralyzing sometimes )


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Whatswhat said:


> Don't give in to the sirens' call of avoidance.


That's what I was basically going to come here to say but you worded it a lot better lol.


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## Whatswhat (Jan 28, 2018)

Noca said:


> That's what I was basically going to come here to say but you worded it a lot better lol.


Thanks. :grin2:


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

Exposure is the best therapy. You have to get out there and be around people. Or else the fear will always be there.


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## donistired (Nov 29, 2018)

Seek out help wherever you may have access to it, don't let your mental health deteriorate over time through avoidance. 
Try to be proactive at confronting your anxiety rather than reinforcing bad habits, and be generous with the time and energy you give to people if your as closed off and reclusive as me. Although, I can't really say I do these things myself.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Hit everyone that annoys you over the head with a baseball bat.


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## donistired (Nov 29, 2018)

blue2 said:


> Hit everyone that annoys you over the head with a baseball bat.


Possibly the best method of healing and coping with life in general


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## hellsbells999 (Feb 5, 2020)

As someone now seeing her SA affect her children: friends are important. We've evolved to need friends, and it's much more difficult to make them when you've already established your life. Your spouse and kids don't count as far as social interaction goes, because now I've created a problem in which we are all kind of alone. More social interactions=more friends=more chances to grow and learn from each other. Don't just focus on one or 2 people and neglect the others. Keep lines of communication open. You never know when you will need someone's support, and by diversifying you can only help yourself. Find a way you can interact at all. For me, I need that good ol' social lubricant to interact with most people, but if I had pushed myself when I was young, I don't think I'd find it as difficult to do so much as make a business phone call as I do now. You can do it. We're not islands, as much as we want to be. It's important to reach out.

Sent from my SM-S367VL using Tapatalk


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## RedHouse (Jul 13, 2019)

When you feel anxious walking through a crowd ,take a sec and you will realize noone is paying any attention to you. Sometimes its all in your head.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

I'd say, don't make SA into a lifestyle. There are a lot of people in SA spaces online who will post stuff like this, and it's comforting to a degree, but then it becomes a crutch. You'll go 'yay, I belong in this SA thing' and then you'll stay within that comfort zone, never taking risks or working on positive change. You might even get competitive with other people over whose SA is worse. Before you know it, you're too old to even consider changing your ways, and your SA is the core thing that defines you, your safety blanket. You've got regrets, but now you think it's because of the unfortunate cards you've been dealt by fate. Then you proceed to blame everyone, get obstinate and bitter, therefore reducing your chances of working through your issues even further.

Instead: take risks, be brave, get help and support, take steps everyday, talk to people who encourage growth and not stagnation or regression. If things don't work, try other things.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

rabidfoxes said:


> I'd say, don't make SA into a lifestyle. There are a lot of people in SA spaces online who will post stuff like this, and it's comforting to a degree, but then it becomes a crutch. You'll go 'yay, I belong in this SA thing' and then you'll stay within that comfort zone, never taking risks or working on positive change. You might even get competitive with other people over whose SA is worse. Before you know it, you're too old to even consider changing your ways, and your SA is the core thing that defines you, your safety blanket. You've got regrets, but now you think it's because of the unfortunate cards you've been dealt by fate. Then you proceed to blame everyone, get obstinate and bitter, therefore reducing your chances of working through your issues even further.
> 
> Instead: take risks, be brave, get help and support, take steps everyday, talk to people who encourage growth and not stagnation or regression. If things don't work, try other things.


That's an interesting post - and I agree, we shouldn't let any of our problems define us.

I also can't believe how ugly the format on Reddit is. How the hell do people use that?


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

I have no idea what I'd tell someone else with social anxiety. I only know what I've done - and that certainly hasn't worked out all that good in many ways. How each of us experiences anxiety is obviously extremely different too - none of us can tell how debilitating it is for another person.

I think quite a lot of things in my life have turned out okay due to good luck as opposed to anything I did on my part. If my wife had been of a different temperament for example - she would have told me go to hell a long time ago. I've known other women that would have treated me very differently to how she does.

I'm still here - that's the main thing. And most of the time I feel okay.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

harrison said:


> That's an interesting post - and I agree, we shouldn't let any of our problems define us.
> 
> I also can't believe how ugly the format on Reddit is. How the hell do people use that?


Thanks! Looking back, it's kind of grim, clearly I wasn't in the most cheerful of moods (had an upcoming dentist's appointment).

I agree re Reddit, but it grew on me. I realised that you have to use it completely differently from a forum and it's more like speaking at a crowd of strangers whom you'll never meet again. It's not really for relationship building, there's little continuity.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

rabidfoxes said:


> Thanks! Looking back, it's kind of grim, clearly I wasn't in the most cheerful of moods (had an upcoming dentist's appointment).
> 
> I agree re Reddit, but it grew on me. I realised that you have to use it completely differently from a forum and *it's more like speaking at a crowd of strangers whom you'll never meet again*. It's not really for relationship building, there's little continuity.


I can do that. I'm often quite good at talking at people. Maybe I should give it a go. 

So people don't usually answer when you post something on there?


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

harrison said:


> I can do that. I'm often quite good at talking at people. Maybe I should give it a go.
> 
> So people don't usually answer when you post something on there?


They will, but you'll have an exchange with them and likely you'll never speak to the same person again. Unless you frequent a small sub. If you just want to talk to someone random, r/CasualConversation has more posts per hour than you'd have time to answer.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

rabidfoxes said:


> They will, but you'll have an exchange with them and likely you'll never speak to the same person again. Unless you frequent a small sub. If you just want to talk to someone random, r/CasualConversation has more posts per hour than you'd have time to answer.


Sounds a bit like the big Facebook groups. I look at a bipolar one sometimes and it's a lot like that. Probably due to the amount of people on there I guess.


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## FloridaGuy48 (Jun 30, 2014)

Get professional help as soon as you can. Whether it is medication or therapy or both. Its hard to fix yourself if you don't know and understand what is wrong or how to fix it. Its not a perfect solution but its where you need to start.

Once you do that work on exposing yourself to as many new experiences as possible. Best way to overcome fear is to do the thing your afraid of and then you will see its not so bad. Much easier said then done I know.


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## PandaBearx (May 26, 2013)

Life is too short to be taken seriously sometimes. Also that when you grow older you tend to get more comfortable in your skin and you'll care a little less about how others perceive you. That no one is without faults, everyone is a bit crazy in their own way, and you just have to figure out what works best for you. Learn to laugh at yourself, be forgiving about the mistakes you make, always know that if one door shuts that doesn't mean they all do and that while you may be an anxious mess....you'll find your way and are going to be fine. Don't give up on yourself. :squeeze


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## CaptainPeanuts (Oct 29, 2015)

There's a lot of great tips in this thread. That's great. I'd say expose yourself to everything you can and learn from your experiences. Read alot about this condition and that's the best reassurance that your not alone and it's ok to make mistakes, which some of those mistakes you may not be able to help.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

rabidfoxes said:


> Before you know it, you're too old to even consider changing your ways, and your SA is the core thing that defines you, your safety blanket.


As someone who got into that mindset very young and kept it well into adulthood, I'd say the most important thing is to realize there is no such age. You're never too old to consider changing your ways. You can always find the courage to build a new core identity, not instantly but as a process. Trust yourself to be able to do that, know that new uniquenesses will replace the ones you give up.

And also, pick who you socialize with carefully.


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## Theys1978 (Jan 28, 2020)

Paul said:


> As someone who got into that mindset very young and kept it well into adulthood, I'd say the most important thing is to realize there is no such age. You're never too old to consider changing your ways. You can always find the courage to build a new core identity, not instantly but as a process. Trust yourself to be able to do that, know that new uniquenesses will replace the ones you give up.
> 
> And also, pick who you socialize with carefully.


Well said. Words that will become the motivation for me.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

"Now"


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

Paul said:


> As someone who got into that mindset very young and kept it well into adulthood, I'd say the most important thing is to realize there is no such age. You're never too old to consider changing your ways. You can always find the courage to build a new core identity, not instantly but as a process. Trust yourself to be able to do that, know that new uniquenesses will replace the ones you give up.
> 
> And also, pick who you socialize with carefully.


True, but it gets harder with time. Most people solidify their outlook with age, and once you've defended something fiercely for a time, it takes a lot of courage to take it apart and put it under a microscope. I'm trying to be more nuanced in my approach to things now (not SA related) and it's like pulling teeth.


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## godlover (Nov 13, 2019)

*Get help*

I know it is hard to go to therapy. I know it is scary, but you need to do it. I finally got the help I need years after I knew about my issues. Had I not gotten help, my life could have ended.


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## lavignesabine (Apr 15, 2021)

You aren’t weak for being socially anxious, it’s not necessary to beat yourself up for it. You are strong and you can handle this, and it’s okay to be different.


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## Saeta (Jul 31, 2018)

Accept advice. You are not above it.


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## firelight (Jan 31, 2019)

Find some mentors, don't seek help in psychiatry/psychology, keep forcing yourself to do stuff even if it feels difficult.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

"Just do it." I know it's hard, but so often it's worth it.


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