# how should a guy get confident if girls always reject him?



## benyamin (May 11, 2010)

:sus:sus:sushow should a guy get confident if girls always reject him?:sus:sus:sus
i mean damn dont know how about you but being a guy and sucking at womens screws your confident doesnt matter how good and successful you are i mean i feel that even if i be the richest most successful man in the world but never having any girl wanting you would make me miserable.
so i wanted to start a poll for guys like from 1(lowest dont care) to 10(highest super care) how is it importent for you to be able to have women as partner, sex buddy, lover like overall having a women by your side that feel something about you having the ability to get women.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

I was honest in the poll and selected "9". I was thinking of picking 6 or 7, but that's how important I *wish* it was for me. Unfortunately, it's much more important for me than that (not by choice, mind you).


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

I didnt vote because I am female.

What a former boyfriend once said to me was this: Rejection is part of the parcel for men. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that. he also said that the men who get women have usually chatted up 10 times the number of women they actually get a date with. of those first dates even fewer have a fling/ affair/ relationship with you.

It sounded like a cool attituide to me. I can imagine the rejection being horrible but if you see it as a sport then you can handle it better.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It changes for me. Sometimes I don't want to even try, and other times I'm all for it. Sometimes I even do stuff most other people wouldn't do. It all depends on where I am in my life and how much I want and focus on it. Right now, easily a 10. Who doesn't want to be good with the opposite sex if that is what your attracted to? lol


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Lisa said:


> I didnt vote because I am female.
> 
> What a former boyfriend once said to me was this: Rejection is part of the parcel for men. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that. he also said that the men who get women have usually chatted up 10 times the number of women they actually get a date with. of those first dates even fewer have a fling/ affair/ relationship with you.
> 
> It sounded like a cool attituide to me. I can imagine the rejection being horrible but if you see it as a sport then you can handle it better.


This is the case that I have found. I do believe one can develop a very thick skin and carefree attitude with enough patience and persistence. To go into dating as a man and NOT expect rejection, your just setting yourself up for big disappointment and a short run at your goal. I think some guys are better at attracting women most likely due to their looks but others can pull it off with a great approach and personality as well. For some it is a lot easier. Almost too easy.

EDIT: One positive thing about being a guy and learning to handle rejection well is it can become fun; the chase can become fun; the whole process. That is where I want to be at least. I think if you can make it there mentally then you'll meet women easily because your enjoying the process and there are no setbacks or hesitations, and that's exciting.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I cant learn how to run before i crawl but i want someone to take care of me. so i vote a 10. :um


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

I prefer the term 'to be with' rather than 'to have', as written in the poll question.

I don't like subscribing to the idea of possession, as opposed to partnership. I'm not trying to sound all PC, but part of my thinking that suppresses the idea of 'missing out' is the understanding that it isn't a matter of possession. That understanding helps alleviate the feeling of desire to attain.


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## ZeroX4 (Feb 25, 2010)

I always wondered the same, until I realized that most men don't start out on a high level with women. Rejection is normal. One of my friends had got rejected close to 20 times when he was at a mall chatting up women. He never allowed it to stop him, and eventually met his girlfriend. But yeah, it's a 10 for me. Very important. I'm not really experienced in this area, so I'm trying my best to change that.

I'm not good with approaching women, but I believe in order for some men (there are men who are naturally very good with women and don't get rejected a lot, but even some naturals get rejected) to get better with this, they just have to keep trying and not take them personally. Yeah, easier said than done, but that's the level I'm trying to reach. 

The idea of rejection sucks, but the idea of continuous regret for not taking a chance sucks even more.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

When you know what it's like to get rejected, chances are after a while you'll become immune to it. What's the worst that could happen? Rejection is your road to confidence!


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## wmw87 (Apr 20, 2011)

> What a former boyfriend once said to me was this: Rejection is part of the parcel for men. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that. he also said that the men who get women have usually chatted up 10 times the number of women they actually get a date with. of those first dates even fewer have a fling/ affair/ relationship with you.
> 
> It sounded like a cool attituide to me. I can imagine the rejection being horrible but if you see it as a sport then you can handle it better.


that's true, but it matters alot more when you're being rejected by someone you care about.

rejection from a total stranger= who cares
rejection from someone you have strong feelings for= PLEASE KILL ME.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

AllToAll said:


> Rejection is your road to confidence!


 Confidence comes from successes not rejection so dont get rejected.


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## King Moonracer (Oct 12, 2010)

I dont "have" women haha, i enjoy the company of them though. I dont get rejected because i let them do the talking.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

My question is exactly what is confidence? 

I don't think it's an either/or thing. If confidence is along the lines of "assurance" i'm pretty assured as a person. I have a lot of good things about me.

The problem is none of the good things translate. I'll admit, I don't really make an effort and the reason is because when it comes to talking to a woman, I don't have the same assurance. In fact it's the opposite. It's exactly what you described above. It's not sense of worth overall because when it comes to my own happiness, I'm fine. I do exactly what I want. When it comes to women, I just shrivel up and go away. The more I look at myself, the more I can see why. They sense that inexperience and fear. It just makes me so frustrated that I can be so poorly confident in one thing, but okay in other facets of life. I just want to smash a rock over myself.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> Confidence comes from successes not rejection so dont get rejected.


Everyone starts at point zero. Rarely is one innately successful and confident. 
You learn to get rejected and you built confidence from that as you grow.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

When it comes to dating "success" that doesn't always come from experience. You can be the most experienced person in the world with the most confidence but it will not stop rejection because you cannot ultimately control someone else's wants and desires. That is why it is best to accept rejection as a part of dating. Confidence helps tremendously but it cannot persuade someone else who doesn't want to be with you ultimately, no matter how much you believe in yourself.

Confidence helps you take the plunge. I think the hardest part of dating is the rejection. If we didn't fear rejection it wouldn't bother us. We would most likely approach and approach and approach and find someone. Confidence comes in like a personal affirmation that says "you can"; "you will"; "I've been here before"; competence; self-love, etc. The only reason confidence helps in dating is because those who are typically more confident in themselves are typically more willing to take risks and chances and continue on after rejection.

EDIT: Had to erase some parts.... I was going to say confidence isn't necessary when dating...wrong.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

> so i wanted to start a poll for guys like from 1(lowest dont care) to 10(highest super care) how is it importent for you to be able to have women as partner, sex buddy, lover like overall having a women by your side that feel something about you having the ability to get women.


1.

Seriously. I mean, I do like having a partner but I don't think I'd mind too much if I died alone or never had one. It used to bother me when I was a teenager, but I have long since stopped worrying about it. Which is why I never particularly cared to actively ask anyone out. Even when I've seen what I think was interest from some women.

Also about the confidence thing, it's not that I lack confidence. In fact I'm pretty sure I cross over into the opposite "arrogant" territory. It's just that I have a very hard time "asking" people for things. I can't ask for other people's help. I have never explicitly asked anyone to be friends with me either. Even people I am actually friends with in real-life, I can't "ask" for their friendship on facebook or whatever.

This inability to "ask" just extends over into asking for romance too. Otherwise, I am not shy and I don't lack confidence either.


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## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

1.

Can't be bothered at this point in my life, who knows if that will change in the future.


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## rickthegreat (Dec 22, 2008)

benyamin said:


> :sus:sus:sushow should a guy get confident if girls always reject him?:sus:sus:sus
> i mean damn dont know how about you but being a guy and sucking at womens screws your confident doesnt matter how good and successful you are i mean i feel that even if i be the richest most successful man in the world but never having any girl wanting you would make me miserable.
> ...


How confident are you, that someone's past results are a good indicator of future performance in a context like this? What do you assume are the independent and dependent variables? Like if you had to analyze and write down reasons for rejection, what would they be? If the answer is something intrinsic, then how sure are you of *that*? Also, does the analysis come down to for example, I dunno, feelings of not being good enough somehow, not deserving enough? Too much focus on the cost and not the reward? Too much focus on the past and not the present or future? Do you feel competent to discern and make adjustments to get better results? Are your perceptions being colored by anxiety/depression? You can see how this would tend to block anyone's confidence yeah?


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

I might be wrong, but don't most of you SA guys here struggle holding a conversation with a person, let alone a girl? If that is the case than I don't honestly think that confidence, from talking to women, is going to be attainable, I would work on that problem first. Otherwise it would be like telling a person to be confident while playing basketball, without him even knowing how to shoot the ball.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

shynesshellasucks said:


> I might be wrong, but don't most of you SA guys here struggle holding a conversation with a person, let alone a girl? If that is the case than I don't honestly think that confidence, from talking to women, is going to be attainable, I would work on that problem first. Otherwise it would be like telling a person to be confident while playing basketball, without him even knowing how to shoot the ball.


The basketball player, when he first started out, did not sit there going:

"I don't know how to play basketball. I have no basket ball skills. Therefore I can't be confident about playing basketball so let's go home".

He didn't link his confidence to skills. Because doing so would forever have him waiting and waiting and procrastinating because he'd have assumed he needed some skills before he could do anything.

No, he had confidence and faith in himself to give basketball a try. To try shooting the ball so he could naturally develop his skills with shooting the ball.

In other words: confidence and then the skill. Confidence and then the knowledge. Confidence and then the success. Not the other around.

Confidence as in trust and faith in the self. Not knowledge or skills. Just giving something a go and seeing what happens instead of running away from things because of some assumptions about not having the proper skills.

Most guys who talk to women don't have or know they have some dreamed up amount of conversation or social skills.

They just do it. They give it a go and see what happens. They don't wait to be brilliant before giving things a go.


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

Joinmartin, the basketball player lacked confidence in his skills because he sucked. Once he realized he sucked he worked on his skills and became better. It was not until he became a better player that he became confident. Thus, in order to become confident, you have to be good at what you want to be confident about.


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## IcemanKilmer (Feb 20, 2011)

Honestly, I use my hand. I'd take a relationship if a woman I thought was hot just walked up to me and started talking to me, but if I have to do all the conversation initiation I'll pass. 

I'd rather just live my life and whatever happens, happens. I don't see why I should constantly do something I hate (walking up to women I don't know and trying to talk to them) when I have the option of using my hand. I know that probably creeps some of you out, but it's true. 

I masturbate enough to be content with being single. The women in porn are hotter than the most of the women I could get anyway.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

But if.

If you pratice basketball again and again, but still suck at it - let's be realistic, we all have our own _plateau_ in every department. Once we reach it, there's nothing else we can do. If you still believe you can improve, that's not confidence, that's wishful thinking. And it's not leading you anywhere in the long run.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

joinmartin said:


> A girl you meet in a bar, club or whatever can't reject you. She hasn't got a clue who you actually are. She's met you for five minutes not been your life companion. She might reject the idea of talking to you further or she might have a boyfriend, be gay, or not be interested. But since she hasn't had the time to meet the full version of you, she can't reject you.


This is an interesting way of looking at it. She can't reject the full you, as in, she can't reject all those personal things that make you unique, but she can reject a part of you based superficially. This is kind of a red-lined area for me though because I see rejection as rejection. Your still getting rejected regardless of what it is for. Interesting nonetheless.


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## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> What's the worst that could happen?


Huge insecurities, feelings of inadequacy, a soul crushing ennui and eventual despair.

Not that I'd know anything about that, mind you.


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## IcemanKilmer (Feb 20, 2011)

TPower said:


> If you still believe you can improve, that's not confidence, that's wishful thinking.


That's true. Believing you can improve can be totally meaningless if you never act on that belief.

It's why the "be confident" or "get some confidence" isn't a sure fire method to talk to people. You could believe you are the greatest guy in the world and believe in your head that you can walk up to any woman and talk to them, but until you've actually walked up to the woman, you've achieved nothing except false hope.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

TPower said:


> But if.
> 
> If you pratice basketball again and again, but still suck at it - let's be realistic, we all have our own _plateau_ in every department. Once we reach it, there's nothing else we can do. If you still believe you can improve, that's not confidence, that's wishful thinking. And it's not leading you anywhere in the long run.


(_Ignore this sentence because it doesn't do justice against for your point lol_--_i'm getting tired of erasing my sentences! blah_) I disagree because while I'm confident in certain things in my life I feel I can still improve on it. Weightlifting is one example. I'm confident about the procedures and technique but I can always improve, but that is just one example. If I'm a millionaire I could still be confident I could become a billionaire. Confidence isn't really set to any limits per say. In some areas I would say it is realistic to know your boundaries. Like you probably not going to be the first person to walk on Mars. I do think that when you have an abundance of confidence in one area of life you can afford to give some of it away in the form of sharing or knowledge. I think this is one reason why people are attracted to confident people and those who they can learn from because they gain that given information and it can benefits the person who receives it. Wishful thinking, eh, yeah... I can see what you mean though. I suppose your right. Somethings it's more realistic to admit your limits, but dating is a tricky area to do that because of all the things going on.

You can be confident in your ability to meet women but, like I said earlier, the confidence will only take you so far. If anything it will help you take the steps YOU need to do to make it happen, and in the slightest it could help subconsciously sway someone else's decision, but I don't think confidence is the deal breaker for a decision always. It is usually the whole package plus the delivery and other miscellaneous things combined. The thing about dating that differs from a lot of things is that there is no perfect way to do things and there isn't any guarantee of success, ever. Probabilities are in your favor if you hold higher positive attributes but the ultimate decision is out of your hands.


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## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> As if other people were somehow concerned with judging your social skills. As if there was some sort of correct standard of social skills that you should have.
> 
> And I fully accept and appreciate your defence of your decision to do that to yourself.


That's a pretty darn harsh thing to say on a social anxiety website. Do you really think that any person who has ever needed this website hasn't already tried telling their self "it's fine, they aren't _really_ judging you"?


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## IcemanKilmer (Feb 20, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> Why would you not act on that belief?


Haha, we're on a SA site, JoinMartin. Do I really have to explain why I wouldn't walk up to someone and talk to them? It seems pretty obvious, I'm afraid, I'm shy.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

Lisa said:


> I didnt vote because I am female.
> 
> What a former boyfriend once said to me was this: Rejection is part of the parcel for men. The only way to deal with it is by accepting that. he also said that the men who get women have usually chatted up 10 times the number of women they actually get a date with. of those first dates even fewer have a fling/ affair/ relationship with you.
> 
> It sounded like a cool attituide to me. I can imagine the rejection being horrible but if you see it as a sport then you can handle it better.


I've tried to look at it that way, but I just can't. Dating/relationships is a serious part of life, and I can't take it any way but serious. I just can't "chat up" women knowing I'm likely to be rejected. And even if I were to look at it like a sport, a 10% success rate is pretty damn brutal. No, you're not going to win every battle, but that just seems outrageous to me.



bwidger85 said:


> One positive thing about being a guy and learning to handle rejection well is it can become fun; the chase can become fun; the whole process. That is where I want to be at least. I think if you can make it there mentally then you'll meet women easily because your enjoying the process and there are no setbacks or hesitations, and that's exciting.


I disagree with you there. Failing just cannot be fun for me. I hate the chase more than I can describe. It's what makes the dating world so s****y. I've been rejected, I can deal with it without going completely insane (and whoever thinks it leads to more confidence is 100% wrong), but to consider the chase fun would be what I will do when I finally pass that threshhold and see dating with nothing but pure cynicism.



joinmartin said:


> Very few things can destroy attraction fully but neediness is one of them. If you need a woman to somehow confirm that you're good enough, successful, worth something, then the relationship or potential relationship is going to be more about you then it is going to be about both of you. If your sense of self is that vulnerable and unstable, it's a therapist you're looking for not a woman. A woman cannot act as your therapist or your security blanket in life. She has her own stuff going on.


Nothing to argue with here. That said, my problems stem from the fact that I *know* I'm good enough, worth something and I am perfectly happy with who I am. I know I'm a great catch ... and I can't find a woman who wants to be with me. I'm at the point in my life where being happy with myself isn't enough anymore. I'm lonely. It hurts. I believe there is a difference between being happy with yourself and being happy being alone. The former is required to succeed, the latter is not. I'll survive just fine on my own, but I can't be happy with my life as a single man anymore.


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## Cody88 (Apr 3, 2011)

I'm not sure. I've asked out at least 5 girls a year since 10 years ago and still haven't got a yes so I'm not so sure that just asking out a large number of girls leads to a date. I haven't let it affect my confidence though. Still trying without giving up.


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

just do the same to them to get your confidence back

becaaauuse

"For every action, there (should be) an equal and opposite reaction."

http://www.physicsclassroom.com/class/newtlaws/u2l4a.cfm

it's just how nature works, you can't argue with nature


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## HowDaddyIsDoing (Aug 14, 2011)

i'm tired of ruining their lives...or feeling worse about myself...and i really shouldn't be with one for a long time...not until i am a better, more well-rounded person. when the hell is that gonna happen?

there's no point at the moment. so i picked three. it's not important. i need to do something with my life. but there's little to no motivation day to day...because i am so incompetent...and perhaps incapable of doing good things for myself and others...why ruin things for others by showing up and being a significant part of their lives?

anyone else feel this way? probably.


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## ray910731170 (Aug 4, 2011)

*Stockdale Paradox*

I have posted this before, you can look into Stockdale Paradox.(please look that up on the internet)
The idea is

*You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

* AND at the same time&#8230;*

You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.*

Translated into your case, you have to

Have faith that one day you will be able to get a girl

and at the same time

You must find ways to improve your "Marketability" for lack of a better word, and/or lower your standard


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

If you're always being rejected maybe you need to reevalute the women you're chasin. If you're only chasing 10's, and you're not a 10 yourself, more than likely your rejection rate will be 100%. I think if you chase your equal then the success rate will be significantly higher.


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