# Really, REALLY anxious around girls



## apie (Jun 24, 2007)

Hi everyone, 

I am really anxious around girls I like. SO anxious that it's giving me a stomach ache and a really unpleasant feeling. I can have conversations that look perfectly relaxed and ok from the outside with girls I like, but on the inside I am so terribly anxious that I feel horrible and want to go home. My anxiety prevents me from actually getting a girlfriend, from kissing and having sex.... My anxiety in the presence of nice girls has even caused another greater problem: sexual performance anxiety. I really hate this situation. I know there's actually a number of girls that would like to get to know me and they're nice and good looking girls too. But I just can't manage to relax around them! My motto at this moment is 'rewards await the brave'. I want to force myself into dating them and I am actually seeing a nice girl next tuesday. Could you give me tips on how to relax and how to get rid of this horrible feeling I get when being close to a girl I like? I'd really like to hear your suggestions. Thanks in advance,

Apie


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## blackknyt (Jun 24, 2007)

before I actrually try answer you question can I ask you a few questions
1) How do you think the girls are viewing you in the interaction i.e. if they were to call their friends about you what do you imagine they would say.
2) Who is the 'prize' in the interaction. The one revered by the other.
3) How many girls do you speak to in a week and a month
4) Do you have any negative thoughts about the interaction before and during it.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

apie said:


> I can have conversations that look perfectly relaxed and ok from the outside with girls I like...


I can't even do that. It doesn't matter who I talk to, I always come off as being extremely awkward and uncomfortable.

But just remember, if people don't notice that you're anxious, then they'll most likely warm up to you faster. That should allow you to feel a bit more confident knowing that they aren't looking at you like "what's wrong with you?"


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## apie (Jun 24, 2007)

blackknyt said:


> before I actrually try answer you question can I ask you a few questions
> 1) How do you think the girls are viewing you in the interaction i.e. if they were to call their friends about you what do you imagine they would say.
> 2) Who is the 'prize' in the interaction. The one revered by the other.
> 3) How many girls do you speak to in a week and a month
> 4) Do you have any negative thoughts about the interaction before and during it.


1) I think some girls do notice my anxiety, but I am pretty good at hiding it. I can have casual conversations and do manage to get girls interested. It's just that I am so very anxious on the inside. Once I decide I like a girl, my stomach feels all weird and tense to a point where I can't actually _enjoy_ any conversation with her.

2) The girl I am talking about in my first post showed me quite clearly she likes me (touched my shoulder, stroked my finger when she handed the bill, eye contact, etc) and I can see she is tense too (she's quite a bit younger). I guess she's the prize, although I know she likes me.

3) Girlfriend material? One this week. If I'd count all girls I think about 5 or 6 this week.

4) Once I decide I like a girl I just get so tense. I feel she may give up on me, because I am taking too long to conquer her, because I am to shy and anxious about making a real move. It has happened to me more than once that girls backed out, because I just took too long. And then I am pretty anxious about the prospect of having physical interaction, even 'just' kissing. With previous girls I've had it always took weeks before we kissed, because I am just too anxious.

I know this may all sound like a small problem compared to the people that suffer from severe social anxiety. For me, still, it is a really big problem because it is also linked to sexual anxiety (I know sex should not be discussed here, but since these things are so closely related in my case, I really can't help mentioning it. I'll focus on social anxiety from now on, since I think these two problems are actually one problem with different names).


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## apie (Jun 24, 2007)

> I can't even do that. It doesn't matter who I talk to, I always come off as being extremely awkward and uncomfortable.


I've experienced these 'failures' (that what it feels like) too many times when I was a bit younger. What helped me a great deal is realizing that when engaging in conversation I am not the only one responsible for keeping that conversation interesting and that I am not the only one responsible for coming up with subjects to talk about. Why do you come off as being awkward? Is it that you just don't know anything to say or how to respond to people talking to you? I might have some tips for you that helped me...



> But just remember, if people don't notice that you're anxious, then they'll most likely warm up to you faster. That should allow you to feel a bit more confident knowing that they aren't looking at you like "what's wrong with you?"


I think people actually do warm up to me. It's just that I panic when I get to the point when I know for sure a woman likes me. I get physical symptoms especially in my stomach at the prospect of getting close to her in a way that is more than just casual conversation. I actually avoid moments where things could get too 'close'.


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## blackknyt (Jun 24, 2007)

O.K. the last 5 months I've been practicing/reading up on getting better with women (a mixture of my depression and s.a. where doing me no good). I have met 2 other guys with a massive amount of s.a. and I can give you a few tips as someone who used to be bad.
A lot of this anxiousness results from not speaking to enough girls in a week or expecting too much from them e.g. sex sometime. This has a nasty inherent belief that she is above to you when it comes to relationships and she is doing you a favour by giving you her number, kissing you eventually having sex with you. If you feel this, it's wrong. My mindset now is "I'm the best thing to happen to you in weeks", "I just want a fun conversation", "I have a lot of respect for you as a sexual being and will expect no less respect from you".

It's all a change of perspective before I used to talk to the cute girl at the grocery store after I changed my mindset I would talk with her and then instead of walking away I give her my phone and tell her to call her number, and if we have time go on a date right there and then. I do a few visual excersies (kinda like training before the actual interactions and imagine myself confident, funny and sweeping her off her feet) - you know when she was 8 and dreamed of a real man comming into her life. Do the woman a favour and be him.

Here are some practical things you can do:
1) Listen to relaxing music on your mp3 player just before you speak to a girl you fancy
2) Everytime you feel that anxiousness begin to come FIGHT IT. Refuse to let it from being in healthy and good relationships. An example is you have a real connection with a girl sit down right there and then and try make plans to see her, or get her number. Now here is the fun part. DO NOT care about her response yes or no, you have made a tremendous amount of progress. If you go in for a kiss she turns her head guess what you have made even more progress - focus on that and congrugulate yourself. In otherwords be outcome independant
3) Look for girls that look like you there is science behind it for now take my word for it they will be more attracted to you.
4) Go out of the house to areas with lots of women e.g. yoga classes, salsa classes and be comfortable with beautiful women touching them and start flirting. You can start off small write a list of ministeps you can take. Once again be outcome independent.
5) read romance novels and imagine being the heroe how he would act talk and try emulate that in your everyday life.


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

apie said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am really anxious around girls I like. SO anxious that it's giving me a stomach ache and a really unpleasant feeling. I can have conversations that look perfectly relaxed and ok from the outside with girls I like, but on the inside I am so terribly anxious that I feel horrible and want to go home. My anxiety prevents me from actually getting a girlfriend, from kissing and having sex.... My anxiety in the presence of nice girls has even caused another greater problem: sexual performance anxiety. I really hate this situation. I know there's actually a number of girls that would like to get to know me and they're nice and good looking girls too. But I just can't manage to relax around them! My motto at this moment is 'rewards await the brave'. I want to force myself into dating them and I am actually seeing a nice girl next tuesday. Could you give me tips on how to relax and how to get rid of this horrible feeling I get when being close to a girl I like? I'd really like to hear your suggestions. Thanks in advance,
> 
> Apie


Man, I'm the exact same way around women. Like, my anxiety is tripled. So, I don't have any real good advice. :sigh


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## sean88 (Apr 29, 2006)

*Re: re: Really, REALLY anxious around girls*



blackknyt said:


> O.K. the last 5 months I've been practicing/reading up on getting better with women (a mixture of my depression and s.a. where doing me no good). I have met 2 other guys with a massive amount of s.a. and I can give you a few tips as someone who used to be bad.
> A lot of this anxiousness results from not speaking to enough girls in a week or expecting too much from them e.g. sex sometime. This has a nasty inherent belief that she is above to you when it comes to relationships and she is doing you a favour by giving you her number, kissing you eventually having sex with you. If you feel this, it's wrong. My mindset now is "I'm the best thing to happen to you in weeks", "I just want a fun conversation", "I have a lot of respect for you as a sexual being and will expect no less respect from you".
> 
> It's all a change of perspective before I used to talk to the cute girl at the grocery store after I changed my mindset I would talk with her and then instead of walking away I give her my phone and tell her to call her number, and if we have time go on a date right there and then. I do a few visual excersies (kinda like training before the actual interactions and imagine myself confident, funny and sweeping her off her feet) - you know when she was 8 and dreamed of a real man comming into her life. Do the woman a favour and be him.
> ...


Wow, good advice! I'll try and keep that stuff in mind. :nw


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## apie (Jun 24, 2007)

Hi Blackknyt, 

Thanks for your advice. Outcome independant, outcome independant. I'll repeat those words as I drive to work tomorrow. I think becoming outcome independant is indeed the most important trick here, but a very scary one too. And fighting anxiety is easier said than done. I'll meditate tonight and tomorrow. That may ease my mind a little. 

I just visited my friend. I've known her for 15 years now and I just realised, while we had dinner, how perfectly relaxed I am around her. I have to find a way to become just as relaxed around other women and I think the thought that outcome doesn't matter will put me on the right track. 

Have you had any success with your new knowledge on conquering women? 

Gee, I feel so utterly stupid sometimes. I've really shaped up in the past months, I've bought beatiful new clothes, this girl is just giving me a lot of signals to go ahead, I am 7 years older and still I'm acting like some 8 year old schoolboy that falls in love with his teacher. LOL. :wtf


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## Sopho (Jul 4, 2007)

I get scared around girls as well. I don't know what to say to them and I always end up looking stupid.


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## GaSS PaNiCC (Mar 27, 2007)

just think bout it like this, no one is really judging you or cares if your quiet or what not. As long as your a loving caring person around them, they won't hesitate to see you again. Of course at first they will understand that your nervous, but eventually you will get more comfortable in their presence as long as you keep having that positive attitude. Keep on trucking, let yourself be nervous, but don't come accross as an aggrogant prick around them and you'll be fine!


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Here's what makes no damn sense to me at all and frustrates the hell out of me. Why do I desire a relationship!!?! Just like you my anxiety sky rockets. Why do I want contact with something that spikes my anxiety? It should be the opposite. I should have zero desire for a relationship and zero attraction to women.


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## tobeyourselfisnotacrime (Jun 10, 2007)

Same here. I'm anxious in front of girls especially the pretty ones. I'm one of the nicest-looking guy in school so a lot of pretty girls like me. They always say hi to me and smile at me. But I just blush and shake. I don't think I'll get married.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

tobeyourselfisnotacrime said:


> Same here. I'm anxious in front of girls especially the pretty ones. I'm one of the nicest-looking guy in school so a lot of pretty girls like me. They always say hi to me and smile at me. But I just blush and shake. I don't think I'll get married.


gsfghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhsfghgm


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

what i do is just not talk to them haha way easier and no risks of blushing and looking like a retard in front of them, chatting with them is much easier


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

*Re: re: Really, REALLY anxious around girls*



scairy said:


> Here's what makes no damn sense to me at all and frustrates the hell out of me. Why do I desire a relationship!!?! Just like you my anxiety sky rockets. Why do I want contact with something that spikes my anxiety? It should be the opposite. I should have zero desire for a relationship and zero attraction to women.


something about the urge to procreate and sex feeling really good...


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I would say I'm anxious around girls I find attractive whom I don't know. However, I'm rarely in contact with girls I find attractive so I don't get this anxiety very often. 

The other day we had a round table meeting at work with three women who work for one of our biggest clients. One of them was pretty attractive. She was sitting down the table on the same side as me so thankfully I didn't have to have the anxiety of her looking at me during the meeting and being embarrassed about my looks. 

Do any other guys who have low self-esteem feel like they're not even worthy to be in the presence of or talk to attractive women? It's almost like they're on a completely different social plane that is unattainable by us losers.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: Really, REALLY anxious around girls*



IcedOver said:


> Do any other guys who have low self-esteem feel like they're not even worthy to be in the presence of or talk to attractive women? It's almost like they're on a completely different social plane that is unattainable by us losers.


Yeah, I know what you mean unfortunately. Fortunately though, it's just a cognitive error.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I am most anxious with attractive women around my age, and yes, I can relate to the whole feeling that they would want nothing to do with you. I'm honestly not so sure that it's a cognitive error in my case, but it would be nice.

Almost every casual conversation I've ever had with with a woman ended up being a total catastrophe. I seriously feel like I regress about 40 IQ points in these kinds of situations. I remember being in the computer lab at college, a girl from one of my classes came in and sat beside me asking if I could help explain some stuff to her. All I did was go into a total panic, my mind went totally blank, I said I didn't know either (even though I could have easily explained it), and told her to ask the other guy who was sitting across the room. ****ing stupid.

For myself, I think it's the feeling that I somehow need to impress them, even if they're clearly already in a relationship or would want nothing to do with me. Does that make any sense? Oh, and I also immediately start blushing. It's pretty pathetic, really.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Yes, njodis, I know what you mean about an attractive woman asking you a question on the fly. One time I was downtown and a very pretty woman asked if I knew where she could buy bus passes in the city. The service center she had to go to was on a street perpendicular to the one we were on but I couldn't figure out a fluent way to tell her the exact way to go, which was easy. I just stammered and stuttered and probably made it sound more complicated than it was. 

To be fair to myself I usually blank out when anyone asks me for directions on the fly. But because she was pretty I got a little extra anxious.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*Re: re: Really, REALLY anxious around girls*



NightinGale said:


> scairy said:
> 
> 
> > Here's what makes no damn sense to me at all and frustrates the hell out of me. Why do I desire a relationship!!?! Just like you my anxiety sky rockets. Why do I want contact with something that spikes my anxiety? It should be the opposite. I should have zero desire for a relationship and zero attraction to women.
> ...


But I could be with a guy so why do I desire a girl? If I'm freaked out I should go to the other side because I'd be comfortable. But instead I'm attrracted to the side that scares the hell out of me.

Although I'm reaching a point where I don't care whether women are repulsed by me. This is a more recent phenomenon. I realize women desire other characteristics that I don't possess but it doesn't really bother me anymore. :lol I'm so damn picky on a personality and moral level it's ridiculous.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

*Re: re: Really, REALLY anxious around girls*



scairy said:


> But I could be with a guy so why do I desire a girl? If I'm freaked out I should go to the other side because I'd be comfortable. But instead I'm attrracted to the side that scares the hell out of me.
> 
> Although I'm reaching a point where I don't care whether women are repulsed by me. This is a more recent phenomenon. I realize women desire other characteristics that I don't possess but it doesn't really bother me anymore. :lol I'm so damn picky on a personality and moral level it's ridiculous.


I feel the same way. Sometimes I wish I could turn gay so I wouldn't have to deal with being smooth and confident and making the first move and winning over a woman's affection.

I realize that I have good personal qualities, e.g. being book-smart, enjoy the outdoors, and open-minded, but I don't see anything about me that is specifically "attractive to the opposite sex". That is, things about me that would make a woman like me not just as a friend, but as something more.


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