# Afraid of being seen as the 'Quiet, Boring One' at Work



## BlackHollywood (Jun 27, 2013)

My SA isn't as bad as it used to be, but there are still some things that make me very nervous, and one of them is having a job.

I've been working in a shop for about 4 months now and am still the 'new one' as most of them have been there for 2 years or more. A while ago I went to a CBT therapist and really gained control over my SA by realizing that it's not my responsibility to try and impress people. Before I got CBT I would have went out of my way to be overly nice to people, especially in this type of situations, but when I started this job I decided to approach it a bit more casually and I feel that it's worked for the most part as everyone is nice and they don't try to make me feel left out.

HOWEVER

I just can't stop being nervous before going into work. Although I have no reason to believe it, I feel like they don't like me and that they're talking about me behind my back. I KNOW these thoughts are paranoid and I really try hard to ignore them, but it's circumstances like this that make SA so toxic. It doesn't help that I'm not a naturally talkative, upbeat person so sometimes I'm sitting in the staff room on my break and people walk in and out, but I can't think of a THING to say to them. Literally nothing. I see them all talking to each other, laughing, having fun, and I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable enough to be so laid back. People just make me nervous, and I just can't imagine being anywhere near as close with them as they are to each other, even if I ended up working there for years.

Does anyone out there feel the same? What is it about SA that makes it so difficult to establish connections with people. Also, I've noticed that when I try to make a joke, I sound SO awkward. That's not just my own paranoia talking, the joke just comes out sounding non-jokey and weird. The "delivery" is all wrong, so to speak, so people just end up looking at me kind of weird. 

I don't think the people at work dislike me, but sometimes I just feel like the quiet, boring one and I hate that feeling. It would be nice to just get on with everyone and be one of those people that can laugh and joke and inviting to talk to. Instead I just feel like I make people awkward.


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## Rocky71 (Dec 19, 2012)

I think it's because we spend too much time worrying about how we are being perceived by other people, where Non's go about their day not really caring what other people think. I've come to realize that lately, that the best way to be seen positively by coworkers, and more importantly by yourself, is to do the best possible work you can. Actions always speak louder than words, and by doing well at your work, you will build mutual respect, and hopefully make your interactions more comfortable.

The point about being overly nice to please hit a point with me. I've always done this, in the hope that people realize what a nice person I am. This is a mistake. I'm beginning to learn to say NO. Once again, it's a way of gaining respect, and not being perceived as a door mat. It's been my experience, that when people realize that we go above and beyond just to please, they will take advantage, and this ultimately leads us to experience the exact thing we want to avoid, which is negative interactions.

I've also been in situations where I'm alone with a person that I barely know, and I freeze. My mind races for possible conversation starters, and If I decide to express one of them, it just comes out awkward, making the other person just as uncomfortable as I am. Once I get more comfortable with someone, It becomes more easy and natural to find things in common, and go from there.

I think your on the right track. Don't sweat it. Earn your stripes, be respectful of others that are respectful of you, and you will be fine.


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## BlackHollywood (Jun 27, 2013)

Your post actually helped me a lot! I'm glad someone else can relate to feeling the need to please people, as it used to be a very bad habit of mine. Unfortunately, being overly nice and trying to please people almost always backfires and sometimes I find it can have the opposite effect and make people think you're slightly annoying. I'd go as far as to say people I don't know probably prefer me being quiet than they would if I acted how I used to. Unfortunately this still doesn't help me, because now instead of being overly nice, I'm just kind of...vanilla. For all I know they may not think this, but I feel like it. For instance, with people in work, my brain seems to slow down. With people I've known for a while I'm quick with retorts and have a dry humor, but in work I just can't think of witty responses so I just end up sounding like I have no sense of humor.

Out of curiosity, how long does it take you to feel comfortable with people? How long do you think it takes non-SA people to establish close connections? I feel like it could potentially take me a year or so before I feel comfortable enough with them to be completely myself. 

I think I'm reluctant to say things in situations like that, because everything that comes to mind just seems so bland. For example, saying 'Oh, what are you up to now?' when someone is working just seems so...bleugh. Do you know what I mean?


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## Rocky71 (Dec 19, 2012)

BlackHollywood said:


> Out of curiosity, how long does it take you to feel comfortable with people? How long do you think it takes non-SA people to establish close connections? I feel like it could potentially take me a year or so before I feel comfortable enough with them to be completely myself.
> 
> I think I'm reluctant to say things in situations like that, because everything that comes to mind just seems so bland. For example, saying 'Oh, what are you up to now?' when someone is working just seems so...bleugh. Do you know what I mean?


I guess it depends on the people I'm interacting with. I feel closest to people with whom I share interests with. The key is listening to other people, and trying to find if you have anything in common with them. It's difficult to say how long this could take. In some cases, it could be instantaneous, where you run into someone who is generally a good person, with no ulterior motives. Other times it develops by relating stuff to work. Use it as a way to create contact.

In the mean time, there is nothing wrong with being quiet, especially if you are new to the job. Try to keep an open mind, be confident in your work, and keep an eye out for bad apples. Let time take it's course.


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## Sunhawk (Oct 3, 2013)

BlackHollywood said:


> It doesn't help that I'm not a naturally talkative, upbeat person so sometimes I'm sitting in the staff room on my break and people walk in and out, but I can't think of a THING to say to them. Literally nothing. I see them all talking to each other, laughing, having fun, and I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable enough to be so laid back. People just make me nervous, and I just can't imagine being anywhere near as close with them as they are to each other, even if I ended up working there for years.
> 
> Does anyone out there feel the same? What is it about SA that makes it so difficult to establish connections with people. Also, I've noticed that when I try to make a joke, I sound SO awkward. That's not just my own paranoia talking, the joke just comes out sounding non-jokey and weird. The "delivery" is all wrong, so to speak, so people just end up looking at me kind of weird.
> 
> I don't think the people at work dislike me, but sometimes I just feel like the quiet, boring one and I hate that feeling. It would be nice to just get on with everyone and be one of those people that can laugh and joke and inviting to talk to. Instead I just feel like I make people awkward.


Well, that's exactly me too. It's horrible to be someone you're not, and it's making me want to quit my job. SA is very dangerous and it can destroy your life if you let it.


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## Emily17 (Jan 19, 2014)

Wow, I feel like I could have written a lot of these posts!! A majority of my anxiety revolves around work situations. I'm still unsure why. For awhile, I worked as a nanny because I felt safe and didn't feel judged by little kids. But after a few years, I was MISERABLE because I knew this wasn't what I wanted and I was settling because of SAD. I worked at a bar for a few weeks once and while I enjoyed talking to the customers, the waitresses and managers scared the hell out of me. For one, the girls were the young, party types and I didn't feel I had much in common with them. A manager made a comment once that I rarely spoke and that KILLED ME. It was such a miserable experience and has scarred me for life to ever work in the restaurant biz. I have been going to school for almost 2 years now and will graduate soon. I have a ton of anxiety about working again..my fear of being the "boring" one is a huge concern. I often say nothing out of fear of what I will say will be dumb..I guess I'd rather be known as the quiet one than the dumb one. What I try to remind myself is that whether people think I am boring, fun, stupid, etc., they are going to have their opinions regardless. I can't mold their opinions for them by acting in a certain manner. So if they are going to have their opinions regardless, why not let them have it of the person I am really am? I think I would prefer someone like or dislike me based on who I really am rather than what I pretend to be..sorry, I ranted!


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## Emily17 (Jan 19, 2014)

> I don't think the people at work dislike me, but sometimes I just feel like the quiet, boring one and I hate that feeling. It would be nice to just get on with everyone and be one of those people that can laugh and joke and inviting to talk to. Instead I just feel like I make people awkward.


This is exactly how I feel..I think because we feel awkward ourselves, we assume everyone around us does too. This is most likely not the case!


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## Speak English (Dec 28, 2013)

BlackHollywood said:


> Although I have no reason to believe it, I feel like they don't like me and that they're talking about me behind my back. I KNOW these thoughts are paranoid and I really try hard to ignore them...


 It's not paranoid if it's true. Most workplace environments are FILLED with people talking about each other. Oh yea, they are definitely talking about you. And so?

And so, do your job! You aren't there to make friends. Do. Your. Job. Make your money and find your joy doing what you want to do.


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## BlackHollywood (Jun 27, 2013)

Speak English said:


> It's not paranoid if it's true. Most workplace environments are FILLED with people talking about each other. Oh yea, they are definitely talking about you. And so?
> 
> And so, do your job! You aren't there to make friends. Do. Your. Job. Make your money and find your joy doing what you want to do.


I know they're talking about me, it would be completely ridiculous to think otherwise. However, it _is_ paranoid to assume that they are always saying something negative. "Talking about me" takes into account nice things they may be saying as well, whilst I only focus on what negatives they could possibly be saying. This is actually counter productive.

I do do my job, but this is a forum for expressing concerns about our SA? I just wanted to know how other people cope with it, and even though your 'do your job' comments are completely valid, they're not particularly helpful :um I may not be there to make friends, but being liked in my work environment actually is important to me. Is it not to everyone?


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## Speak English (Dec 28, 2013)

BlackHollywood said:


> I do do my job, but this is a forum for expressing concerns about our SA? I just wanted to know how other people cope with it, and even though your 'do your job' comments are completely valid, they're not particularly helpful :um?


 Whining isn't helpful. Doing your job well; focusing on productivity and excellence is what will earn you the respect of your fellow colleagues. Be kind and generous of spirit; that's how part of how you deal with SA, not by whining that they're talking about you positively or negatively. Make friends elsewhere.


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## BlackHollywood (Jun 27, 2013)

Speak English said:


> Whining isn't helpful. Doing your job well; focusing on productivity and excellence is what will earn you the respect of your fellow colleagues. Be kind and generous of spirit; that's how part of how you deal with SA, not by whining that they're talking about you positively or negatively. Make friends elsewhere.


Haha I think if you're looking for people to stop whining about whether people like them or not then you're in the wrong forum. Social anxiety is pretty much all about people worrying about what other people think of them!


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## shinethelight (Oct 4, 2013)

BlackHollywood said:


> My SA isn't as bad as it used to be, but there are still some things that make me very nervous, and one of them is having a job.
> 
> I've been working in a shop for about 4 months now and am still the 'new one' as most of them have been there for 2 years or more. A while ago I went to a CBT therapist and really gained control over my SA by realizing that it's not my responsibility to try and impress people. Before I got CBT I would have went out of my way to be overly nice to people, especially in this type of situations, but when I started this job I decided to approach it a bit more casually and I feel that it's worked for the most part as everyone is nice and they don't try to make me feel left out.
> 
> ...


YES, i do. what sucks is that at my work place i think some of my co-workers really are talking behind my back, since they talk about other co-workers behind their backs too. but that's not even what really bothers me. i mean i hate gossip, but its inevitable i guess. my problem is that because of my pushover and nice nature i get walked all over by the more assertive and forceful ones. i really don't like it.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

i am seen as the quiet boring one at work, i've also been called weird on numerous occasion's, with the question's " why are you so quiet " and " why do you not have a girlfriend" and " why do you not go to nightclubs" ...i was picked on by other worker's for a while aswell, but i've been there 3 year's now and i'm good at the work and i have tried to socialise with them so , they still think i'm weird but they accept me now....it's not easy, but while i'm here i'll have to try and improve myself..


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