# this is horrible! please help



## better days (May 3, 2006)

wow. i cant believe what happened. today i found out that my gf has been talking to an ex that she was very much in love with. the way it happened was horrible too. she checked her myspace on my computer, which is a mac, so when she exited she just clicked the x in the corner which doesnt actually close it. when i went to check myspace it was in the logged in home screen(not the one w/ her pic, the one that shows new videos etc.). anyway i assumed i forgot to log off and clicked mail at the top and saw messages from her ex. i know i shouldnt have but i read some of them. i was curious cuz she said she hadnt talked to him in over a year (which is true, tonight was the first time she talked to him in a long time). he was the only person she had truly been in love with and has told me she still misses him all the time. they never really broke up, he just stopped calling her when he went back home (he lived here and had another house a few hours away) and things just ended. my gf was never really able to get over it.

anyway i read some of the messages and he wants to see her and she wants to see him too, to "talk about things". he said he would call her so they could meet in person and he also asked her to keep it secret which she agreed to. he also said things like he was so sorry he messed things up but he was in a bad situation and that he missed her so bad it hurt. it hurt me so bad and was such a shock. i understand that she loved him madly, but i cant believe she would agree to do this. i dont know what to do because if i confront her she will be mad that i was snooping around but if i dont, then i think that we will fall apart, plus i wont be able to trust her. i really just dont know what to do. any advice would help, i am so stressed about this i cant sleep.


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## Spazcol (Oct 14, 2006)

I'm certainly the last person to be giving relationship advice so take this as you will. 

You say she talks about her ex and that's she misses him. You need to realise it's a two way street. It sounds like you're thankful to be with her and that you are putting her on a pedestal. I think you need to put the notion in her head that you can leave at anytime. 

This may sound harsh but do you really want to be with someone who is only with you out of convenience.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is a response not based on emotion


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## Becky (Nov 5, 2003)

I would tell her that you went to look at your myspace, not knowing she was still logged in on your pc and that you saw the message. Maybe she wants him back, maybe she just wants some closure. Either way I think it's better to say something than to let it eat away at you.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I hate to be harsh as well, but it looks like you come second here.


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

let her do what she wants, if she really loves him why would you want to keep her from being happy, which is kind of selfish. but if she comes back, you win


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

BeNice said:


> I hate to be harsh as well, but it looks like you come second here.


yea, i do. but i really do like her alot and i know she likes me alot too but she cant get this guy out of her head. they dated for over a year and a half and she's said she never stopped thinking about him when they stopped talking. im thinking about seeing what she does. maybe she will come clean with me about it, she has told me alot of embarassing stuff about this guy. if not then i think i gotta leave her.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

Tough situation. They never officially broke up, she thinks about him all the time--she wasn't ready for another relationship. She should have had a talk with him before establishing something with you. You may now be her backup, a victim of her being on her uncertain rebound.

I feel for you. You've been with someone who may have been more of an illusion. I'm not sure why you are shocked about her agreeing to meet with him to talk about things. Given that she thinks about him all the time and he was her only true love, it makes sense (unfortunately for you).

I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of playing second fiddle.
If I had a SO who pined daily over her lost love with an ex, I'd seriously think about dropping her. Her mind needs to be focused on her present committments, not on the past.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for the better for you, and if necessary, you can find greener pastures.

Optimistic.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

Optimistic said:


> Tough situation. They never officially broke up, she thinks about him all the time--she wasn't ready for another relationship. She should have had a talk with him before establishing something with you. You may now be her backup, a victim of her being on her uncertain rebound.
> 
> I feel for you. You've been with someone who may have been more of an illusion. I'm not sure why you are shocked about her agreeing to meet with him to talk about things. Given that she thinks about him all the time and he was her only true love, it makes sense (unfortunately for you).
> 
> ...


we actually had a big talk about this (her not being over him) and she said she's been trying to put it in the past but the fact they never had closure makes it hard to get over him(and they ended it over a year and half ago). its not like its a daily thing, she never talks about him unless we are talking about our pasts. maybe she just needs to talk but the fact she agreed to keep it secret bugs me. its really hard for me, especially cuz i have been going thru some rough times lately and she's been there for me. i dont know, i hope she'll tell me the truth. its been killing me tho, i cant stop thinking about it and i do want things to work out with us. i see her tonight so, i'll just have to wait and see.


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## sctork (Oct 23, 2006)

((((better days)))))

i'm sorry you're going through this. 

if you do bring it up, just tell her like you told us, that it was an accident. and explain that the only reason you snooped is because you love her and don't wanna lose her. just be honest and encourage her to be honest with you.

there's a reason she decided to keep this private, its either that she didn't want you to jump to conclusions (like you are now) or she really has sinister thoughts in her mind. i assume she knows that you're really sensitive to this subject, and wouldn't want you to feel like you are now. so don't think the worst of her until you have all the facts.

if you approach her being all accusitory and suspicious, you'll just drive her back to her ex and that's not what you want at all! 

good luck, i hope everything goes ok


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

I honestly don't know if I'd be able to deal with that. I'd probably dump her if I were you. But, who am I to give advice? I've never been in a relationship, so you should probably just disregard what I just said.


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## Christian (Oct 5, 2006)

Say:
"I'm going to give you some space, just because I have a feeling that you need it right now."

Then don't see her for a while and see what's up in a few weeks. Make sure that if you do stay together, she is over completely over him because if she's not then you're going to make it a train wreck with your jealousy. If you don't get back together, sux for you but you have to let her go.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

i would confront her about it, but i want her to be honest with me. im just hoping that when i see her today she will tell me. im thinking about just nudging the conversation towards her ex and seeing what she says. if i confront her about reading her page she might admit to it but then its like i forced her to and i dont want that. it will be hard, but if she cant be honest with me then i dont think i can be with her. GOD i am nervous! i couldnt even go to school today and now im just waiting til she comes over in like 7 hours (which will feel like 7 years). and thanks Cerberus, your comment made me smile (just alittle ). 

this is really crazy but about a month ago she told me about a dream she had where he came back to her and wanted to get back together. i was in the other room and then she came in to see me and i somehow knew what was going on but didnt know what she decided and then she told me that she had chosen me. its almost exactly the same as whats really happening except it doesnt seem like shes choosing me


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

sctork said:


> there's a reason she decided to keep this private, its either that she didn't want you to jump to conclusions (like you are now) or she really has sinister thoughts in her mind. i assume she knows that you're really sensitive to this subject, and wouldn't want you to feel like you are now. so don't think the worst of her until you have all the facts.


A third possibility is that she did not want to oppose her ex's desire to keep it private. He's the one who asked her to keep it private. There's no telling if she would have said anything had he not told her to keep things confidential. She may have felt that saying "no" to his request would have angered him or made the meeting impossible.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

Optimistic said:


> sctork said:
> 
> 
> > there's a reason she decided to keep this private, its either that she didn't want you to jump to conclusions (like you are now) or she really has sinister thoughts in her mind. i assume she knows that you're really sensitive to this subject, and wouldn't want you to feel like you are now. so don't think the worst of her until you have all the facts.
> ...


he said "can you keep it a secret?"
she said "yes"
he said "ok good cause its got to be a secret for me right now" (he has a gf too)
she said "yea, its got to be a secret for me too"

you might be right but i dunno. he also kept saying he didnt want me to know cuz i might fight him and then he said that he didnt want to fight anyone three different times and then at the end said "but i would if i had to". my gf was just like there will be no fighting.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> i would confront her about it, but i want her to be honest with me. im just hoping that when i see her today she will tell me.


I'm sure you have had better days. :b Sorry about that--just wanted to see if I could put a smile on your face. 

What if you put the ball squarely in her court by asking her: "If it came down to your ex showing interest in you and wanting you back, would you take him up on the offer or remain my gf?" And it might be the case that she wants closure and this meeting is a way to satisfy her curiousity.

I'm not sure why you would want her to tell you. I understand you are bothered by her secrecy and all, but, as you know, she has given her ex her word. It's one thing being secret; it's another thing being a liar.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

haha. theres one good thing i just thought of in case things do go really badly. my gf told me that they only had sex once in the year and half they were dating, and they tried for an hour and a half with no luck for either party. she also said that she didnt know that a penis could be as small as his. so if things do go badly, at least i can tease the @sshole that stole my gf via myspace. :stu


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

nah dont do that


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> haha. theres one good thing i just thought of in case things do go really badly. my gf told me that they only had sex once in the year and half they were dating, and they tried for an hour and a half with no luck for either party. she also said that she didnt know that a penis could be as small as his. so if things do go badly, at least i can tease the @sshole that stole my gf via myspace. :stu


That's it...they're meeting to discuss penis enlargers. :b

Actually, nobody has stolen anyone at this time. Besides, if she does go with him, she's letting herself be taken. It takes two to tango, as they say.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

Blue Oval said:


> nah dont do that


why not get some petty satisfaction from such a hurtful situation?

and optimistic, yea that is kinda what i was thinking about doing if she admitted she was talking to him. see who she would choose. im just afraid she will choose me to make me happy but then secretly see him. she is a shy girl and hates confrontations, so she always tries to please people. and yes, that comment about better days made me smile. thanks for your responses, i am actually feeling alot better getting feedback and getting it off my chest.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

Optimistic said:


> That's it...they're meeting to discuss penis enlargers. :b
> 
> Actually, nobody has stolen anyone at this time. Besides, if she does go with him, she's letting herself be taken. It takes two to tango, as they say.


yea, thats it, penis enlargers, haha. and you know what i mean by steal her. i know it is her choice but before he started talking to her again there was no threat of me losing her, but now there is.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Try catching her in a lie as to where she is going. Then you can bring it up because she is in the wrong for lying to you.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I wouldn't say anything yet. Let her be the one to say something. If she truly cares about you, then she'll be honest and tell you before she meets him.

If you say you read her emails, then she's going to lay the guilt trip on you about how she can't believe you did that, blah blah blah. She's going to use that as way to overshadow the real issue at hand.

If she does go, and then comes back and never says a word to you about it, then I'd dump her. You deserve better than that. As far as I'm concerned, the first red flag came a long time ago when she would tell you about him. The fact that she even agreed to meet him, and on top of that, keep it a secret from you, who she supposedly cares about....I think that speaks volumes here.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

ok, this is what i am thinking. tonight she is supposed to come over and when she does i ask her if she has heard from him lately. she knows that i am pretty understanding of how she felt about him so i dont think she would think its wierd that i am bringing it up the day after she heard from him. and i'll probly bring it up later on, after we've hung out a little bit, and i have given her a chance to bring it up herself. i'll just see where it goes from there. if she lies outright about it i will probably break it off in the next couple days (not tonight cuz i dont want her to know i read the messages). hopefully she will be truthful cuz i really do care about her and she has really helped me out with my situation and i would hate to see her go. i think this will give her a chance to redeem herself in my eyes without making her hate me but does this sound like a good idea to anyone?


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## Bon (Dec 24, 2005)

Ask her, let her know she left her site open and you peaked. Either way, someone is being lead on. Me, personally, I wouldn't like it, nor would I be able to trust or tolerate her.


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## Becky (Nov 5, 2003)

I think it's better to be honest and tell her that you saw the message.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> ok, this is what i am thinking. tonight she is supposed to come over and when she does i ask her if she has heard from him lately. she knows that i am pretty understanding of how she felt about him so i dont think she would think its wierd that i am bringing it up the day after she heard from him. and i'll probly bring it up later on, after we've hung out a little bit, and i have given her a chance to bring it up herself. i'll just see where it goes from there. if she lies outright about it i will probably break it off in the next couple days (not tonight cuz i dont want her to know i read the messages). hopefully she will be truthful cuz i really do care about her and she has really helped me out with my situation and i would hate to see her go. i think this will give her a chance to redeem herself in my eyes without making her hate me but does this sound like a good idea to anyone?


I like your thinking on this, and I don't think it's time to bring up the fact that you read the messages for reasons that Futures has wisely stated above.

You may want to be careful not to sound like an interrogator grilling her on the matter. What makes it especially difficult here is that she has made a promise to her ex. She is sworn to secrecy, and despite your rightful thinking that the whole secret thing is hard-to-believe and hard to tolerate, I think it's not good at this point to press the issue to the point that she is caught between your feelings and being dishonest. She has in a sense gone "behind your back" with this, but she hasn't yet done anything disloyal (cheated) or dishonest (lied to you).

You may want to save some of your questions for her for later and, as you might state it, nudge her into the topic of the past and this guy in particular. I don't know about you, but when it comes to confidential stuff and secrets, I won't betray the person who has earned my trust to keep matters private, unless not giving information may seriously jeopardize someone else.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

thanks optimistic, you've been very helpful through this whole ordeal today. (Becky & Realspark) the reason i dont want to just be upfront about the messages is that would force her to admit it and i dont want to have to back her into a corner to get the truth. i want her to be honest with me, and if i give her a chance and she doesnt admit it, then i can always tell her that i know she's lying about it. i want her to be honest with me but by just being honest about the whole thing, i get nothing from it. i dont know if what she tells me will be true or not and i dont think i would be able to trust her after that. this way theres a slight chance that she can redeem herself in my eyes and we can work things out.


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## Guest (Nov 15, 2006)

Well I will say I've never even had a gf and can't have any idea how you're feeling, but here's what I think you should do. Do what others said and say you accidentally saw her message or bring it up somehow. Then, when she thinks you're gonna be mad at her, ENCOURAGE her to go visit him. Make it seem like it doesn't bother you at ALL! I know this might be hard to do, but I think it's the right advice. It sounds like she just wants closure so if she goes to see him and you two are still on good terms, she'll be more likely to try to end things with him finally once and for all. Cause if you think about it, she is almost definitely going to visit this guy at some point so you can either be cool about it or get pissed and then you end up losing her and it seems like you don't want that.


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

are you okay with her and her ex being friends and hanging out?


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

better days said:


> ok, this is what i am thinking. tonight she is supposed to come over and when she does i ask her if she has heard from him lately. she knows that i am pretty understanding of how she felt about him so i dont think she would think its wierd that i am bringing it up the day after she heard from him. and i'll probly bring it up later on, after we've hung out a little bit, and i have given her a chance to bring it up herself. i'll just see where it goes from there. if she lies outright about it i will probably break it off in the next couple days (not tonight cuz i dont want her to know i read the messages). hopefully she will be truthful cuz i really do care about her and she has really helped me out with my situation and i would hate to see her go. i think this will give her a chance to redeem herself in my eyes without making her hate me but does this sound like a good idea to anyone?


she is going to lie if you ask her without telling her that you read her messages


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

everybody lies, and by keeping the fact that he read her messages a secret, i guess you could consider that lying too


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

better days said:


> haha. theres one good thing i just thought of in case things do go really badly. my gf told me that they only had sex once in the year and half they were dating, and they tried for an hour and a half with no luck for either party. she also said that she didnt know that a penis could be as small as his.


In that case, I don't know why she'd want him back anyway...
Having sex once in a year and a half?! Something is wrong with that picture.

I'd probably just have to confront her about it or it would bother me too much. If she's that into you, she shouldn't be trying to meet with him at all.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

NO, i am not ok with them being friends. the way he ended it broke her heart and is why she never got over him (she said she was still hoping he would call her and make up weeks after he stopped calling). i dont think that they can just be friends. and i guess i am lying in a way but what she did is worse than what i did. if its more important to be honest to him than me, than we cant be together. i want this to work out, you have no idea how badly i do, but i cant stay with a girl who is thinking of me second. yes, i suppose it is somewhat wrong to be testing her this way, but its the only way i can prove that i can trust her. she is on her way over right now. i am so nervous, and the thought of her denying everything is making me feel so depressed. i really really hope things work out.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Good luck. Hopefully she'll be upfront with you, if not, you know what to do.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

The Verdict is In!!

she came over tonight and we hung out for awhile and then i popped the question. i asked her if she had been talking to her ex lately and she said yes(and i mean as soon as i asked, she didnt pause or anything). i asked what about and she told me he wanted to meet her and that she thinks he wants to get back together. i asked what she thought about it and she said part of her did because she had loved him so much but she didnt think she ever would. i told her that it upset me that she was thinking of getting back with him and that i couldnt be with someone who wasnt thinking about me. she said that that wasnt how it was and that she just missed him really badly and part of her wanted to go back to him and the way it was before he disapeared. i told her that it bugged me that she wasnt over him and she kept saying that it was hard. i asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to be with me but still was going to be friends with her ex. i told her that i wasnt comfortable with her seeing someone she still had feelings for and that it seemed like she cared more about him than me. she said that wasnt true and that she cared about me alot but it was hard to just let him go and that she would never cheat on me. i told her i didnt think it was going to work out and she started to cry and said what if she promised to not talk to her ex again, but i was still unsure about her feelings for him. in the end we decided that we are going to take a break to see how the whole thing works out. she didnt stop crying the whole time and it really broke my heart. i told her that things would work out the way they should with time. i am so relieved!! we will see where things go but i think that this break will be good for us. it will let her straighten out things with her ex. you guys have no idea how happy i am right now.

:kma to all you naysayers who said she would lie!!

you have no idea how relieved i am. we arent together now, and i will miss her, but i do believe that things will work out in the end and i believe that we will be together again. she definatly showed me that she really cared about me. and how honest she was with me really meant alot. :banana

thanks for all the replies today, it really helped.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> The Verdict is In!!
> 
> she came over tonight and we hung out for awhile and then i popped the question...


Sounds like things turned out well for you. I like how you popped the question without "showing your hand"; that is to say, knowing about what she had written. I also like how you decided to take a break and give each other breathing room; that was a tremendous step for emotions to cool down and to show your trust in her.

I think you're dealing with some rebound emotion in her, something time and distraction should eventually take care of. I don't think that your knowledge of her letter and your decision not to reveal what you knew even came close to being a lie. It was investigative ammunition that you had in your back pocket only if you needed it. The fact that you knew about it was really her mistake, not yours.

Did she lie? Well, yeah, I think so. Not to you, but to her ex. I guess it's better that she was upfront with you, being that she could probably sense how going behind your back to meet her ex could hurt you and produce misunderstandings and confusion. I think the fortunate end you have experienced has justified the means.

The verdict appears to have favored you.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

i think i might have celebrated too soon. she did break her promise with her ex for me and she told her ex that she couldnt talk to him. BUT he started talking to her and saying that he really needed her and that he really wants to be with her and he can see them being together forever (she told me this over the phone). now the bad part, she kinda wants to go back to him but doesnt want to leave me. she said its really hard for her because she was so in love with him and now he's saying he will leave his gf for her. she said she's really sorry that i got caught in this and that she doesnt want things to end between us but she's really confused and needs time. she also wants to talk to him in person now. im feeling sad again. i understand its hard for her, but i dont know if i can stay with her after all this. she also said she didnt know what she wanted (seems self centered to me). i dont know what to do. i told her that it was up to her but he's probly just gonna hurt her again. god this is lame. i was so happy 20 minutes ago. this is so $hitty, she fell in love with him hard and he broke her heart and now he's back offering her the world. i want to kill this guy!


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

...and she doesn't have enough sense to tell him to F off and that it's too little too late. I doubt it'll work out too. Guys are good with coming back and talking a good game, then doing the same thing again.
So...give her the space she needs. I'd probably just break it off with her completely. At least that way you can get out of it on your own terms and you won't be waiting around for her to break up with you. She's messing up a good thing with you and she'll probably regret it. One thing I give her credit for is being honest.


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## Szattam (Nov 11, 2003)

Good job! I think you handled it well. You kept your cool, but at the same time showed her that you won't put up with silly games like this... 
One year ago, I was in a similar situation as you, and temporarily breaking up worked for me... The difference was that my girl hadn't actually dated this other pretty-boy friend of hers, but she was lusting hard after him, had all kinds of feelings for him etc, but she also liked me. The other difference is that she lied to me about it, even when I called her on it... A few days after that the guilt finally got to her and she told me the truth... I was so relieved and hurt at the same time, I thanked her for the truth and gracefully broke up with her right there, cause like you said, it just can't work if her heart is elsewhere... This got her pretty upset and she asked if we could stay friends, I said ok. It was hard because I did care about her, but it was a weight off my shoulders... no more lies or BS. 
After that I didn't call or message her again. SHE would message me pretty often, I would reply nicely but wouldn't give her much attention at all... I could tell she missed me, I missed her a bit myself but just didn't care any more, I wanted something new without any drama. Four months passed before I finally saw her again, she had asked me out for a drink, we had a pretty good time, I was friendly with her but that's all... Shortly after that she decided that she desperately wants me back, this time only me, she made it her mission and really went all out. I reluctantly gave her a second chance, even though I didn't know if I'd ever be able to trust her again. Now here I am a year later and things seem to be going extremely well. She's been much more open and honest. Haven't had any real BS yet *knock on wood* 
So yeah, for me this worked... not putting up with the drama while still being respectful and charming 8) It sounds like your girl really likes you, who knows what she really wants, but maybe not seeing you for however long this little "break" lasts will help her realize what a great guy she had all along. If not, well then you're free to find someone better who doesn't have emotional baggage. :stu 



Edit: just saw your update... To me the other guy sounds pretty desperate with all his begging, if thats what she's into then good for her... Whatever happens, just know that you are the better man for respecting whatever she decides, and realizing that there are other fish in the sea...


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

yea, it just seems like too much drama for me now. unfortunatly, i think i need to break up with her. she was really honest with me, but the fact that she wants time to think about things (which now includes meeting up with her ex to talk) shows that she isnt right for me. i wouldn't be bothered that much but she wouldnt say to me that she wasnt going to get back with him because she wasnt sure. she just said that she was confused and didnt know what she wanted. i really did like her, but this whole ordeal showed me her bad side as well as her good.


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## Szattam (Nov 11, 2003)

I know how you feel. Many young girls are fickle and indecisive like that. They let their emotions push them around like a feather in the wind. Just put her out of your mind, go outside tomorrow and look at all the beautiful girls everywhere. Remind yourself that you are a likable fellow, if this last girl was into you, you are fully capable of finding other, more stable girls who will like you as well. Take all this as a lesson. I know it sucks now, but whatever, life goes on.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> i asked what she thought about it and she said part of her did because she had loved him so much but she didnt think she ever would... i asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to be with me but still was going to be friends with her ex.


Sorry to hear your update...what an emotional rollercoaster it must have been for you. :shock

She does seem to be a "feather in the wind" and have a hard time deciding or saying "no." After reading your lines above, I thought you had clinched it. You deserve somebody more stable. You caught her on the rebound, and she isn't playing fair with you. Of course it doesn't help having her ex pull on her heart strings.

She doesn't happen to have any friends you could consider checking out, does she? 8)


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## sctork (Oct 23, 2006)

i think you did the best thing you could for you in this situation. i mean, i know you're hurting but i think it's better that you know where she stands in all this instead of going behind each others' backs and lying about everything.... at least she trusts you enough to lay it all out on the table. the only reason her ex wants her now is because he has competition probably. eliminate that and he will most likely lose interest.

i know its a cliche, but if you love someone sometimes you have to let them go. i honestly believe that you treating her with the respect that have will make a huge difference in her decision. the bad boys don't always win  you did the right thing, know that in your heart you deserve to be loved and if she isn't the one who returns it, then you'll find someone better who does. you sound like an awesome guy, you deserve to be w/ and equally awesome and caring woman.


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

sucks you broke up, but i think its cause you are too controling and untrusting. first you dont want her to be friends with her ex, then youre not gonna want her to be friends with any guy at all maybe because youre afraid she'll find someone else. then who knows maybe you wont want her going out anywhere without you. you gotta learn to trust someone and have a little faith that she's not a total ******* who is going to cheat on you or it will end the same way every time. but heres the disclaimer, i dont even know you


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

Blue Oval said:


> sucks you broke up, but i think its cause you are too controling and untrusting. first you dont want her to be friends with her ex, then youre not gonna want her to be friends with any guy at all maybe because youre afraid she'll find someone else. then who knows maybe you wont want her going out anywhere without you. you gotta learn to trust someone and have a little faith that she's not a total @$$# who is going to cheat on you or it will end the same way every time. but heres the disclaimer, i dont even know you


dude, your way off. i trust this girl ALOT. i let her go to parties and drink by herself all the time. i didnt want her hanging out with her ex because she has never loved somebody like she loved him and he just disapeared and broke her heart. what he did is unforgivable and i dont want her to be around him. i told her she could talk to him to see whats up or to get closure but now theres too much drama. she cant make up her mind and is thinking about being with him and its too much. im gonna give her space and see where it goes. heres a message she sent me today

i just want you to know that i care about you so much even if i dont show it that much..i cant stop thinking about you and it makes me cry everytime i think of us not together..i really hope this all works out. ill call you today.

god this is hard


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

this was my reply

its hard, i know. i really care about you too. and i will respect your decision. i honestly dont think you should go back with ___. for the last two years you have been hurt because of him and just because he wants to be with you now doesnt mean he always will. i swear i am not saying that because i want us to be together. i am saying that because i care about you and i dont want you to get hurt even more. even if things dont work out with us i do want you to be happy. your a really great girl. call me today, i want to talk in person.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Just go find some new girl that isn't still in love with her EX. This is ridiculous. I'm sure it's easier said than done, and it'd be really hard on you at first. But in the long run, finding someone that is 110% dedicated to you will be much better.

This girl you're with now is trying to have her cake and eat it to.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

she told me that she needed a break between us because she didnt know what she wanted and i told her i couldnt do that and that i wanted to breakup. it was hard but we were able to agree to stay friends. and then we had sex... might have been a bad idea, but it just happened. i guess now we're gonna be friends with benefits...


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

You'll never get over her if you keep that up, but hey, whatever you want to do...


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## sctork (Oct 23, 2006)

better days said:


> she told me that she needed a break between us because she didnt know what she wanted and i told her i couldnt do that and that i wanted to breakup. it was hard but we were able to agree to stay friends. and then we had sex... might have been a bad idea, but it just happened. i guess now we're gonna be friends with benefits...


i did this with my ex a couple years ago when i broke up with him. i didn't mean to do it, but he was so hurt when we parted and i couldn't find any other way to deal with him. i humored him just to get him to let up on me a little and stop making me feel so freaking guilty. we would sleep together and then he would start coming around like we were gonna get back together so i'd do something horrible to push him away and then the whole cycle would replay itself. 

if you're going to be 'friends with benefits' then why not just be together and be a couple? you're just delaying the inevitable by playing this game, and in the long run its gonna hurt you worse  imho, if you break up, you need to break up.

she knows she can keep you around by doing this to you just in case she decides she wants you around later. take a stand for yourself! i know you don't want to let her go, but don't let her use you... she's playing on your fear of losing her and its not fair to either of you.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

Can anyone say "soap opera"? That's how this melodrama has played out. This is truly a case of young love gone wild. Next thing you'll know this girl will be asking you to marry her. :lol


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

well you know what they say, high school and college relationships are a joke


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

yea, it is alota drama... its just a hard situation. its hard for me to just give her up and completely end our relationship. i've been having problems with depression lately and she was the person who i talked to about it. she's been there for me and encouraged me to get help (i am actually going to see a doctor today) and i still want her to be part of my life. she doesnt want me out of her life either and i know she really cares about me. thats why we decided that we should stay friends. we both have our **** we need to deel with and i think that a little room will help us put things in perspective. when we had sex it just sort of happened, niether one of us were planning on it, it just happened. i guess you could call it break up sex :b. but yea, i dont think the sex was a good idea, just cuz we do need space and having sex isnt gonna help that. im not sure if i will ever want to get back together with her but at least we can still talk and be friends.

jeeze i really do hate drama.

and blue oval. whats your deal? i dont appreciate you saying that our relationship is a joke. i know its a mess right now but so is my current living situation. you dont even know about the stuff i've been dealing with. all you know is that i have a gf and she started talking to her ex again and then drama ensues. i am trying but this is the first longterm relationship i've had with a girl and it's not easy


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## Blue Oval (Oct 18, 2006)

sorry man, will you still be my internet friend?


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

your internet friend? i dont know you so i dont know whether or not to take that seriously, but its sounds like your being a [email protected] to me. if you are, why? i mean, seriously, who goes onto a forum for social anxiety and talks ****? if you where being serious im sorry i took it the wrong way.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

better days said:


> yea, it is alota drama... its just a hard situation. its hard for me to just give her up and completely end our relationship. i've been having problems with depression lately and she was the person who i talked to about it... im not sure if i will ever want to get back together with her but at least we can still talk and be friends.


You may want to get used to calling it a friendship rather than a relationship, better days. It will be important to know at what level of intimacy you both are operating on. Some people have trouble changing their feelings for someone, so they cannot operate with that person at a different level. You, and her, on the other hand, may feel fine in doing so and therefore you will do well in salvaging what you can from all of this.

Long term relationships can be hard to come by, as you said, and most of them don't go quite this way. Some, as you probably know, have their own brand of drama.

As your SAS supporter, I just don't want to see you get hurt. You've been through enough, including issues with depression that you allude to.

The sex thing can have risks emotionally and otherwise, except if both of you are cool in operating at that level and comfortable that it is only a friendship, then I don't see a big problem with it. Of course, it may have been the final coup de grace for your relationship with her, but if it continues, you'll need to protect your heart as well and realize that the "rug may be pulled out from under you" should she connect with someone else (her ex or someone else).

If you are able to contain your emotions and appreciate her friendship, then that may be good for you. All the while, though, if I were you, I'd keep my sights for someone new for a relationship (only when you're ready) and make it clear to her that that is what you intend to do.

Good luck.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

yea, its hard to go from what we were to friends. i dont know if i will be able to but i hope that i can. she still wants me in her life and wants us to be together but only time will tell, its only been two days since this all happend(but it feels like more). i just got prescribed wellbutrin for depresion today, too. i hope that it will help me think of things clearly(in more than just one way). its tough but i really do appreciate the feedback thats been given. its really nice to hear others perspectives. wow its crazy how much has happened in the last few days (the night i posted my first post was the night i finally told my mom about my depresion too). i just want to say thanks, its really helps being able to get all of this off my chest.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

better days said:


> yea, it is alota drama... its just a hard situation. its hard for me to just give her up and completely end our relationship. i've been having problems with depression lately and she was the person who i talked to about it. she's been there for me and encouraged me to get help (i am actually going to see a doctor today) and i still want her to be part of my life. she doesnt want me out of her life either and i know she really cares about me. thats why we decided that we should stay friends. we both have our **** we need to deel with and i think that a little room will help us put things in perspective. when we had sex it just sort of happened, niether one of us were planning on it, it just happened. i guess you could call it break up sex :b. but yea, i dont think the sex was a good idea, just cuz we do need space and having sex isnt gonna help that. im not sure if i will ever want to get back together with her but at least we can still talk and be friends.
> 
> jeeze i really do hate drama.
> 
> and blue oval. whats your deal? i dont appreciate you saying that our relationship is a joke. i know its a mess right now but so is my current living situation. you dont even know about the stuff i've been dealing with. all you know is that i have a gf and she started talking to her ex again and then drama ensues. i am trying but this is the first longterm relationship i've had with a girl and it's not easy


 wow, i didnt know there was such a thing as "break up sex"


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Duh, there's makeup sex and breakup sex.  
I haven't experienced it, but I can imagine it's pretty intense with all those emotions involved between the two and from what I can tell, it's usually not intentional...it just happens, like better days said. I've seen it on tv. lol


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

better days said:


> wow. i cant believe what happened. today i found out that my gf has been talking to an ex that she was very much in love with. the way it happened was horrible too. she checked her myspace on my computer, which is a mac, so when she exited she just clicked the x in the corner which doesnt actually close it. when i went to check myspace it was in the logged in home screen(not the one w/ her pic, the one that shows new videos etc.). anyway i assumed i forgot to log off and clicked mail at the top and saw messages from her ex. i know i shouldnt have but i read some of them. i was curious cuz she said she hadnt talked to him in over a year (which is true, tonight was the first time she talked to him in a long time). he was the only person she had truly been in love with and has told me she still misses him all the time. they never really broke up, he just stopped calling her when he went back home (he lived here and had another house a few hours away) and things just ended. my gf was never really able to get over it.
> 
> anyway i read some of the messages and he wants to see her and she wants to see him too, to "talk about things". he said he would call her so they could meet in person and he also asked her to keep it secret which she agreed to. he also said things like he was so sorry he messed things up but he was in a bad situation and that he missed her so bad it hurt. it hurt me so bad and was such a shock. i understand that she loved him madly, but i cant believe she would agree to do this. i dont know what to do because if i confront her she will be mad that i was snooping around but if i dont, then i think that we will fall apart, plus i wont be able to trust her. i really just dont know what to do. any advice would help, i am so stressed about this i cant sleep.


Not to be mean and I can't imagine or comprehend how you feel right now but you're in a bad situation. This reminds me of the notebook. You're the second guy. If you don't want to feel any further pain stop reading now.

She is more than likely leave you and be with him. She loves him more than you. I actually wouldn't have dated her if I were you but can't change that now. And if you were going to date her you should have stayed somewhat detached. She is going to cheat on you with him. Both of them have a heightened desire right now. On top of it she knows that she is seeing him with out you knowing which will add to the excitement of it all. Sorry dude but realize there are others out there.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Optimistic said:


> Can anyone say "soap opera"? That's how this melodrama has played out. This is truly a case of young love gone wild. Next thing you'll know this girl will be asking you to marry her. :lol


This is called modern day America and it repulses me to no end.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Blue Oval said:


> let her do what she wants, if she really loves him why would you want to keep her from being happy, which is kind of selfish. but if she comes back, you win


I honestly wouldn't take her back. All it takes is some determined charming guy for it to happen again in the future.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Cerberus said:


> I honestly don't know if I'd be able to deal with that. I'd probably dump her if I were you. But, who am I to give advice? I've never been in a relationship, so you should probably just disregard what I just said.


Yeah it kind of makes me glad that I've never been in one.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

better days said:


> [quote="Blue Oval":ea3fe]nah dont do that


why not get some petty satisfaction from such a hurtful situation?

and optimistic, yea that is kinda what i was thinking about doing if she admitted she was talking to him. see who she would choose. im just afraid she will choose me to make me happy but then secretly see him. she is a shy girl and hates confrontations, so she always tries to please people. and yes, that comment about better days made me smile. thanks for your responses, i am actually feeling alot better getting feedback and getting it off my chest.[/quote:ea3fe]

Why stoop to that level. Our society needs some people with character why not be one of those people?


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

thanks for the replies scairy, but did you read what happened later? cuz she didnt lie about talking to him and she isnt secretly meeting him. we broke up a couple nights ago because we both needed space to deal with our stuff (her with relationship, and me with myself). you say our relationship repulses you, why? we were trying to make things work out despite the situation. its not like she would leave for any guy who had some charm either. she was in love with him for two years. i know what happened is messed up but i am trying to be understanding of her since she has been completely honest about it and i do care about her. i have never been in love and i assume that you probably havent either, since you've never been in a relationship. the one thing i know is that the last couple days have been very hard without her and i was not in love with her. i cant imagine what she went through when he just disapeared. i dont think i could have handled it. and i have talked to her and she's not gonna get back with him. she just needed time to think about things (we've had our problems as well). i dont mean to get defensive, scairy, its just it sounds like you dont know about the whole situation.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

better days said:


> thanks for the replies scairy, but did you read what happened later? cuz she didnt lie about talking to him and she isnt secretly meeting him. we broke up a couple nights ago because we both needed space to deal with our stuff (her with relationship, and me with myself). you say our relationship repulses you, why? we were trying to make things work out despite the situation. its not like she would leave for any guy who had some charm either. she was in love with him for two years. i know what happened is messed up but i am trying to be understanding of her since she has been completely honest about it and i do care about her. i have never been in love and i assume that you probably havent either, since you've never been in a relationship. the one thing i know is that the last couple days have been very hard without her and i was not in love with her. i cant imagine what she went through when he just disapeared. i dont think i could have handled it. and i have talked to her and she's not gonna get back with him. she just needed time to think about things (we've had our problems as well). i dont mean to get defensive, scairy, its just it sounds like you dont know about the whole situation.


The soap orpera effect is what repulses me. The fact that she was with you when she was still in love with this other guy. Maybe I should have used slightly different words or perhaps I should read back over your prior statements but to me it sounds like she was giving you signs that she had a desire for this other guy. I guess this could be taken as a girl that is honest but the fact that a relationship was pursued when she obviously wasn't over this guy seems irresponsible and perhaps she needs to learn to let go. You may be right maybe I didn't have enough facts or didn't know her well enough to make the claims I did. Perhaps I generalized over what I see and hear around me and applied it directly to your scenario at hand. I wish you the best in your situation and I hope you have heightened wisdom going through this situation to arrive at the best resolution for yourself.


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## better days (May 3, 2006)

yea i know what you mean, i hate drama too. its not that she was still in love with him, but she still does have feelings for him. she could see herself being with him for the rest of her life before he left. and when he left, he never ended it. so she still had this hope in the back of her mind that he would show up again or call her. so thats kinda why she never got over him. and he left two years ago, so it has been awhile. i mean i cant blame her for trying to find somebody else two years later. but i do agree that she needs to learn to get over him. i've told her that and she's told me that she has tried but its really hard for her. thats why we are broke up now. she needs her space and hopefully she will be able to get over him. i dont think we would get back together because i dont really want to, but she just needs to get over him to move on in her life.


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## suncowiam (Nov 1, 2006)

Sorry, but I've only read your first and last page of this thread so I might not know everything. Anyhows, from what it sounds like, you've handled this the best any one person can. I hope you don't mind me saying that I think you're very mature for a 19 year old. I think I would have broken my tennis raquet at that age. Oh wait, that's exactly what I did when I was in similar story. 

You've been very fair to your gf and how you've described her to us. It also sounds like she deserves it too, since she's been honest to you. I'm sure her situation is very difficult. Who's to say when you'll get over someone? If that was easy then what good is love? Or maybe love wouldn't even exist. Anyhows. I don't have any good suggestions to you other then to be patient. I just wanted to praise you for your unselfish understanding and thinking.


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## sh0x (Oct 9, 2006)

so what happened? did you guys get back together? or did she go back with her old boyfriend?


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