# Losing a toxic friend



## SimsFan (Feb 17, 2015)

This post is gonna be quite a doozy and it's going to be long but I hope someone takes the time to read and respond. I'm going through a hard time right now.  My once best friend now hates me and I'm having trouble letting go of the past.

So basically I had this friend that I've been really close with since about June. He was an amazing friend. Nicest person I've ever talked to, always there for me and I tried my hardest to be a good friend to him. He knew of my social anxiety and always showed respect and support of me getting through it. Even though he was such a good friend, I still didn't feel like I fit in with him. His other group of friends smoke weed and I had no interest in getting into that at all. He told me not to worry and that he liked being with me and he wouldn't force me into doing anything I didn't want to do. By this point our friendship was still great, but there were times when he would have outbursts of anger at me for no reason. He's been diagnosed with bipolar and manic depression, but isn't medicated. I sometimes think that's the main cause of the outbursts. 
Around mid June he blocked me on facebook after he thought I was getting too attached. However instead of being civil about it, he would call me names and cuss me out. I was shocked because we had just been best friends a week prior. I apologized and he unblocked me. After awhile things seemed to go back to normal again, until around 2 months ago. Because of my anxiety, I had trouble letting go of the rough patch we had in June when he blocked me. He was being more hostile towards me more often and my SA made me keep questioning whether we were still friends or not. He was annoyed by me questioning him and this caused our friendship to decline. He accused me of projecting my insecurities on him. I realized that he was partially right and I apologized, saying that it wasn't fair to him. At the same time though, he was being incredibly mean to me. Saying things like "I can treat you like **** because I don't need you as a friend", and starting to berate me about my SA. I was starting to feel like **** whenever I was around him. Nevertheless, we were still friends and we'd hangout and have great days. I was hoping that our friendship would get back to where it once was. However, just yesterday I texted him that we should hang out more often and he replied, "whenever I hangout with you and my other friends, you always ruin it because you're not comfortable around them". I felt upset by that and said "am I really that bad?" and he blew up on me saying that I was once again projecting my insecurities on him. I asked him why he had to be so hostile towards me and he said that I'm the only friend he has that's an idiot and that I deserve to be treated this way. Obviously the friendship is over at this point.

And now here I am trying to let go of the past. The reason why the friendship continued on so long is because I was really hoping that we'd become close friends again. He was the nicest friend I had and I miss the way he treated me. It's not only me though. A couple of my other friends say that he would have outbursts at him too, and would go back and forth between being nice and mean.

My parents noticed way before I did, and said that they didn't like the way he would treat me. Even when we were friends he would have random outbursts at me. So now I think that losing him as a friend might be the best thing for me, but I can;t help but think how good the past was. it's going to take time and I'm going to be feeling lonely. He was the only one I texted on a daily basis and now it's all gone.


----------



## Keaton (Nov 23, 2014)

its good to get toxic people out your life. trust me. i had to do it to someone with the same blood. a friend is their to help and then you help them. if you are only helping them and they dont care about your feelings and/or problems they are no good and should be forgotten.


----------



## MCHB (Jan 1, 2013)

It sucks; it hurts and it's hard to do, but sometimes it's necessary; if it's having a negative effect on your own well being, and the negatives outweigh the positives, part ways. Even if you only part ways for a short while, sometimes a break is all you need.


----------



## Orbiter (Jul 8, 2015)

Yes, you should probably try to get over that past as good as you can.
At least you don't have to deal with a person that is acting like the joker anymore.


----------



## Anti depressant (Jan 29, 2011)

It doesn't sound like he was nice or a friend. You should move on from that as quick as you can. I've been noticing trends for people who have trouble maintaining friendships here. Most of the time someone doesn't want to be friends with you they weren't in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## upinsmoke (Oct 29, 2015)

Who cares man if hes youre friend hel text you aswell. People who explode on there friends like that are dooshbags and he probably does it to his other mates who probably think about it like you. Get on with ur own life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Xenacat (Oct 20, 2015)

Well he is probably going through hell too with being bipolar and manic depressive. His other friends probably are not that great, they sound like a group of potheads. I definitely wouldn't put up with his behavior but he is dealing with some serious issues. his behavior is not surprising.


----------



## Lolathesickrose (Sep 6, 2015)

You are so much better being out of that toxic environment! 
You should really take some time to realise your self-worth, from your post you seem like a nice person but you shouldn't let anyone treat you like an emotional punching bag. If a guy can treat you like that numerous times the good times shouldn't factor into it. The way I look at it is, if I was in his situation and blew up at my friends and I knew I was hurting them, I'd seek help. I wouldn't emotionally manipulate people into thinking it was their fault. 
Was he nicer to you when he was high?


----------



## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

You just said he was bipolar and manic....and u medicated... So
I'm sure alot of things he didn't really mean, he just wasn't in his right mind. 

But mentally ill people can be a challenge to deal with.


----------



## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

Xenacat said:


> Well he is probably going through hell too with being bipolar and manic depressive. His other friends probably are not that great, they sound like a group of potheads. I definitely wouldn't put up with his behavior but he is dealing with some serious issues. his behavior is not surprising.


Right


----------



## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Keaton said:


> its good to get toxic people out your life. trust me. i had to do it to someone with the same blood. a friend is their to help and then you help them. if you are only helping them and they dont care about your feelings and/or problems *they are no good and should be forgotten.*


 By everyone? How does that work?


----------



## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. Learn to accept that and move on. I removed toxic people from my life. All they kept on doing was putting negativity in my life which is why I removed them from my life. People also need to respect others if they want to put an end to drama. If not, remove them from your life. You did the right thing by apologizing and by removing that toxic person from your life. No matter how sad you are that it did not work out with this person, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. The way how you're feeling right now will pass through time. Your life is better now that you allowed yourself to move on from this toxic person and I know that there will be other people in your future who would appreciate you unlike the people from your past. The past is gone. Don't think about it. Focus on building your future. That's what mattes.


----------



## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi @SimsFan. I know you feel as if he was your best friend, but given your description of his outbursts, I'd say you were better off without him as a friend in any capacity. Believe me, I know how tough it is in letting a friend go who used to be close to you. In the long run though, if they've been less than friendly with you on several occasions in the past, it's likely to continue on into the future. That really isn't any good for you.

I still occasionally think about my former best friend, who I haven't actually seen face to face for ten years. I'd known him from early childhood and we went through our whole education together. He also lived just down the street from me when we were growing up. It would take a matter of minutes to walk to his house. We ended up going our separate ways for the first time when we were 20. He had started seeing me less and less to the point it was down to text messages. He found himself a girlfriend and that was basically it. I was tossed to one side and forgotten about. The last time I saw him was in my old bedroom, where we had a bit of an argument about ourselves not seeing each other as much. He ended up storming out of the house and that was that. :blank

Like you, I thought about him as time went by and about four years later I decided to join Facebook and I tracked him down, thinking we could perhaps forget about the past and move on. More fool me. His life had progressed so much that we had next to nothing in common any more and even though we did kind-of 'make up' online for that argument we had, he was always distant with me during my time on Facebook. This new found, 'second coming' friendship was clearly strained and I was no longer someone he was close to. That become very clear quite quickly. Towards the end of my time on there, he started to send me some truly bizarre and short private messages, basically asking me to ask him about his life and what he was doing... :shock He wasn't interested in me at all after I told him that nothing had changed at my end. He wanted me to talk about his wedding, his new friends (that seemingly spawned out of nowhere) and then his newborn child... He just wanted me to put him up on a pedestal and look 'up' to him. Even though I saw his relentless updates and did actually comment (politely) on one or two, it was clear he wanted even more attention and positivity from me. It wasn't going to happen. He'd given me anything in return. I ended up closing my Facebook account a year ago and that's when the tie was again severed. Needless to say, I won't be attempting any contact with him again in the future. That was it. He's in the past and staying there.

What I'm trying to say is that I've been in a situation where I lost a friend once and then stupidly tried to go back a few years later, offering an 'olive branch' in forgiveness. It didn't work out and I was effectively bitten...again. I was very, very naive thinking he'd perhaps changed or naturally matured. He'd just become a complete a**ehole as his twenties progressed - because his natural life progressions in his eyes made him a considerably 'better' person than me.

To conclude - stay away. If you're once bitten - be shy thereafter. Don't go back.


----------



## chompers (Feb 3, 2015)

This was an abusive relationship. I read that people often stay in bad relationships because it was good when it started. So they are constantly hoping/thinking things can be how they were when they were good. But I don't think that happens very often if at all.


----------



## dabawz (Nov 9, 2015)

Hayman said:


> Hi @*SimsFan* . I know you feel as if he was your best friend, but given your description of his outbursts, I'd say you were better off without him as a friend in any capacity. Believe me, I know how tough it is in letting a friend go who used to be close to you. In the long run though, if they've been less than friendly with you on several occasions in the past, it's likely to continue on into the future. That really isn't any good for you.
> 
> I still occasionally think about my former best friend, who I haven't actually seen face to face for ten years. I'd known him from early childhood and we went through our whole education together. He also lived just down the street from me when we were growing up. It would take a matter of minutes to walk to his house. We ended up going our separate ways for the first time when we were 20. He had started seeing me less and less to the point it was down to text messages. He found himself a girlfriend and that was basically it. I was tossed to one side and forgotten about. The last time I saw him was in my old bedroom, where we had a bit of an argument about ourselves not seeing each other as much. He ended up storming out of the house and that was that. :blank
> 
> ...


Some people truely are sociopaths / narcasists.

If he ever contacts you again just insult him. That is all these people deserve.

At least you have learnt a lesson and will choose more wisely who to use your energy on.


----------



## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

dabawz said:


> Some people truely are sociopaths / narcasists.
> 
> If he ever contacts you again just insult him. That is all these people deserve.
> 
> At least you have learnt a lesson and will choose more wisely who to use your energy on.


I don't particularly like using the term 'narcissist' as I think it can be overused in many cases. However when it comes to my former best friend, someone who I saw most days from the age of 4 to 16, then 'frequently' from 16 to 20 when we went our separate ways after he got his girlfriend, this is about the closest genuine description of who he's become.

I know this is all just words on a screen and emotions are difficult to portray, but it honestly pains me to say that after all the good times we had. I still look back on those good times and I honestly don't see where his current attitude spawned from. I'm honestly bemused by it. Yes, we had that argument at the end and yes, I also take some of the responsibility for that. However, to completely flip his nature within a few short years and then take it to the extreme after he got engaged, married and become a father is baffling. From what I saw of him on Facebook, it appears he feeds off compliments from others. He wants to be seen as some sort of powerful figure...because he's become an average family man whilst people like me are still firmly rooted right back at square one. It's as if he wants his 'gold medal' for winning life's 'race' to get all possible progressions under his belt faster than others.

Sadly, he's not the only one. All of my other former friends on there went more or less exactly the same way. A girlfriend come 'materialised' for them and I was very quickly ignored. Only mutual friends with girlfriends weren't dropped - as if there was some weird 'clique' going on between the 'haves' and the 'have nots'. It seems to have just formed a 'pyramid' over the years where those who are married with kids are at the top, those married without kids are next down, followed by those who are engaged, then those with girlfriends (none left now - all are in the above categories), then those with relationship experience but currently single (as before - none left now as all are at least engaged), then right at the very bottom of this social pyramid - me. The guy who's been made to feel three inches tall, yet expected to be brimming with motivation and confidence. 

It seems if you haven't achieved any of this, you're nothing but dog dirt. It doesn't matter what friendship went before. You're now on a new playing field where those who have nothing and need some help to get things at least crawling forwards, are very much left behind and ignored. Even if you're completely happy being alone - you're considered 'wrong'.

It's no wonder why people like us have anxiety and depression issues when we're always looked 'down upon' as if what were doing, or not doing rather, is so wrong. We're not considered equal people at all. We're still considered to be children.

It's just the way society works very much against single (and particularly relationship-free) people today, as if it's some sort of crime that cannot have any benefits. We must all have done certain things by certain times or we're forever condemned to a lifetime of insults, condescending remarks and outright snubbing.

Again, bringing this back onto the OP, this is just one very good reason that revising the past and trying to go back won't always give you the answers you want. Sometimes, it can only make matters worse and make you feel even worse about yourself for being so naive in the first place...

Rest assured, I certainly won't be making any effort to get back in touch with him again. I learnt my lesson the hard way a couple of years ago and I certainly won't put myself in a position of offering olive branches to former friends again. I don't trust them and have reasons not to trust them either.

Will my former best friend get back in touch with me again...? I think there's an outside chance if I have to be honest. I know he lives only a couple of streets away from me and I'm pretty sure he could track me down if he really wanted to. I did tell him the street where I live, but not the house number. However, I've not heard anything from him since I closed my Facebook account down a year ago and given I become so insignificant to him during our communications online, his vast army of new friends will no doubt keep him occupied. I sincerely hope he doesn't get back in touch with me because any future contact would now be equally as nasty from my side. I've made my best efforts to basically 'disapear' off his radar and I know he has pretty much no other contact details for me.


----------



## SimsFan (Feb 17, 2015)

Thank you everyone for all of the support and advice <3

Just a quick update on the situation. This person had reached out to me a couple times after not speaking for almost a month. I ended up reconnecting with him, and he apologized for hurting me. He seemed genuine about it, but then the sh-t started again. We go to the same college and I found out that within the month we didn't speak he met a whole bunch of new friends. It seemed to me like he was treating them better than he's been treating me (friend of over 3 years). I actually spent the night at his house a couple days ago and we hung out. The next day he started ignoring me for no reason. I've texted him "Hey what's up" twice in the past 2 days, and eventually just sent him "What did I do wrong" tonight. What hurts most is that when I was over his house, his phone was constantly in hand texting and snapchatting a ton of people. 

I'm tired of being hurt like this... I keep saying I will never let it happen again... I'm just too naive.

He wins every time; and i'm fed up with ****ing *******s like him.


----------



## loneranger (Dec 29, 2012)

I've been hanging out with a couple of friends. Everything was going good especially since I can handle a lot of mistakes and stupidity. I haven't hang out with any of them in a month now cause it started to really take a toll on me. A new friend of mine ,after what I told him of about the very last one of my friends texted me and that I figured it would be for me to help him with something, said that I shouldn't hang out with those friends if they only needed me for favors. One of them would be blunt in my face from time to time. I really have no one to hang out with constantly now.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


----------



## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

Unless a person who's toxic is close family, I think it's an obvious choice to remove their toxic input from your life. 

Not so easily said when it's a close family member, I deal with that one. It's a tough cookie


----------

