# Would you only date someone with problems like you?



## davemason2k (Feb 11, 2005)

I honestly can never imagine myself dating someone who doesn't have self confidence problems and is the silent/awkward type like me. They say opposites attract and that may be fine early on in the relationship, but I never want to be the "weak" one in the relationship because eventually that person will get sick of your social problems and will either give up and dump you or will feel obligated to keep in going, when they would rather not. Lets face it, the majority of people out there don't understand social anxiety. They think being a little quiet and social anxiety is the same thing. Going out with someone who doesn't understand why you get nervous in certain social situations or can't relate to your symptoms, just seems like a waste of time to me. I'd rather be a loner than feel guilty or depressed because I can't always do the things my girlfriends want to do. It's like i would be holding them back from life and at the same time I wouldn't get any support for my problems. Anyone else feel this way or disagree with me?


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## justJake (Jan 25, 2007)

My GF is definitely the outgoing type. I am 100% positive that she has opened me up to new things. I'm by no means "cured", but much better off than 4 years ago. I'm also 100% positive she HAS been mad at me in the past for not doing certain things, yet she's still happy with me today because of the power of compromise. I can't say no to EVERYTHING social, or like you said, she would definitely be held back by me. The way I see it, if she's unhappy enough, she'll leave and that's fine by me, because I would totally understand where she would be coming from. Also, right now I would not prefer to date a girl with SA only because I'm pretty sure it would actually make my SA worse. I don't see myself as dragging her down, because there are a lot of things I'm better at than her so it evens out. Not everyone is like that though, I definitely feel lucky to have found her.


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## niko (Jul 2, 2005)

..


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## Andrew White (Aug 18, 2007)

Difficult question to answer. So I shall just avoid it instead.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

If I was wise yes. I don't believe I could ever have a relationship last with someone that doesn't understand this disease. Unless I ended up with someone like danny bonaduce's wife.


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## sonya99 (Sep 5, 2005)

It doesn't matter anymore. I think I'd have the same problems maintaining a relationship with a normal person as someone with full blown SAD. It's not that it takes me a long time to trust someone...it's not that nobody has never given me a chance...it's not that I'm merely quiet and don't like don't things that are socially demanding...it's that, well, the number of people i've come across in real life that even approached my level of social awkwardness and general inability to talk I could count on one hand. A lifetime of ignoring my problems with SA has left me extremely emotionally closed off and immature. People never really get to know me because I have such low self esteem that there's no way I can take myself seriously. If there's anyone out there like me, then a relationship wouldn't really work out anyway. It doesn't make me happy that I can't talk to people. I don't need someone who's OK with that. 

If I ever start working on my issues and I actually make some progress to the point where I have the potential to get close to someone, even if it takes years...then so long as the person is OK with my social limitations, I wouldn't care if they had SAD or not.


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## Faded Lines (Sep 22, 2006)

I have a friend whom is a girl that has openly admitted to me she has SA once I had told her. I was very delighted. Now here is the irony...in my experience with her, trying to hold a conversation with someone with SA makes the situation even more awkward. We both understand why all we say in school is "Hi" and talk loads online. When the other does the same as you (makes no conversation) it can make the situation a whole lot worse. I sound like a hypocrite, but I do not think dating someone like me would be such a good idea.


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## Johnny1234 (Nov 16, 2006)

It may seem like it is comforting to date someone with problems like yours, but in reality it is just another wall that you are putting up, another safety net. THis may actually slow your progess.


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## cat burglar (Sep 2, 2006)

I'm dating someone with SA (heya Sheri) so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies...


No, really. It's working out just dandy, but we've also got a lot more in common than SA.

JFYI: my previous two relationships were with extremely outgoing girls and the breakups had nothing to do with the fact that I have SA.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

shy, outgoing...I'll take whatever I can get. Being as ****ed up as I am socially, it's not like I've ever had the luxury of choosing between shy or outgoing.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

If I were to be with somebody who has not experienced what I have with social trouble, she has to at least understand and respect what I have been through. If she's going to have the attitude that I just need to "snap out of it" or something like that, then there can be no relationship.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I don't give a **** either way.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I think dating a veritable **** up is easily the proper move for me, since I am beyond insane. However, I realize that being with someone whose lifestyle forces me to socialize would be best in the long run. There's no way I would do that, though. I prefer living in fear.


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## Volume (Apr 8, 2007)

Date, sure. A serious relationship, I'd prefer not to. Not unless she was on the same road to recovery as me. As much understanding and respect I have for socially-anxious people, I wouldn't want one around me permanently.


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## Andrew White (Aug 18, 2007)

Volume said:


> As much understanding and respect I have for socially-anxious people, I wouldn't want one around me permanently.


Nice. I'm sure people feel the same way about you.


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## Volume (Apr 8, 2007)

Andrew White said:


> Volume said:
> 
> 
> > As much understanding and respect I have for socially-anxious people, I wouldn't want one around me permanently.
> ...


I hope they do.


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## AJFA88 (Jun 16, 2007)

As long as there is some sort of chemistry I dont think i'd have a problem. Of course dealing with a party animal, that would be a pain in the ***...i don't see anything wrong with a girl going to parties once in a while, as long as she has a stable personality and is understanding about one's condition. I wouldnt mind the "snap out of it!" attitude as long as she can be supportive. I think is better than someone in the same state as you saying "it's ok, we can stay home since we both feel uncomfortable going out." then again, i have a soft spot for shy girls....


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

sonya99 said:


> It doesn't matter anymore. I think I'd have the same problems maintaining a relationship with a normal person as someone with full blown SAD. It's not that it takes me a long time to trust someone...it's not that nobody has never given me a chance...it's not that I'm merely quiet and don't like don't things that are socially demanding...it's that, well, the number of people i've come across in real life that even approached my level of social awkwardness and general inability to talk I could count on one hand. A lifetime of ignoring my problems with SA has left me extremely emotionally closed off and immature. People never really get to know me because I have such low self esteem that there's no way I can take myself seriously. If there's anyone out there like me, then a relationship wouldn't really work out anyway. It doesn't make me happy that I can't talk to people. I don't need someone who's OK with that.
> 
> If I ever start working on my issues and I actually make some progress to the point where I have the potential to get close to someone, even if it takes years...then so long as the person is OK with my social limitations, I wouldn't care if they had SAD or not.


 :hug you're still young. Get to working on it.

I know easier said than done.


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## winnipegjets (Oct 1, 2007)

Faded Lines said:


> I have a friend whom is a girl that has openly admitted to me she has SA once I had told her. I was very delighted. Now here is the irony...in my experience with her, trying to hold a conversation with someone with SA makes the situation even more awkward. We both understand why all we say in school is "Hi" and talk loads online. When the other does the same as you (makes no conversation) it can make the situation a whole lot worse. I sound like a hypocrite, but I do not think dating someone like me would be such a good idea.


Is there any sexual tension between the two of you?

I know some of you will think this is quite bizarre, but if you are both single, you should make out. For myself, I always feel way more comfortable if I get physically intimate with a girl. I have a lot of anxiety about getting to that point, but once it happens, I have virtually no anxiety and feel quite comfortable. This has always worked in my experiences.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

Both of my relationships have ended due to my issues with self-esteem, depression and SA. So the SA definately affects my life. In order for anyone to date me they would have to willing to deal with the SA though I know that's it's not all that I am about.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

A few months ago I was thinking that I would only be able to date someone who has social problems but now I've changed my opinion somewhat. I would have to date someone who understands and accepts my problems but I don't know if I would want to be with someone who is exactly like me. To quote "Seinfeld" again, "I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself!". If I hate myself and hate the way I am, why would I want to be with someone who has those exact same qualities and problems?


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

well, i think i could.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

I tried to date a couple of girls that allegedly had similar problems to my own (one of them most certainly had SA). They still gave me the 'let's be friends' line. There's no apparent way to win this.


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## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

Andrew White said:


> Difficult question to answer. So I shall just avoid it instead.


 :lol

Get out of my head!


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## eekmd (Jun 19, 2005)

I actually WISH i could date someone who didn't have SA in any way shape or form. I would love being with someone who constantly tried dragging me out to places....i think it would improve my SA immensely having someone to go out and do things with....

Sadly, everyone I've ever dated seems to enjoy spending most of their time at home... *sigh*.... I think trying to date a social butterfly when you have SA would be a difficult task though, as social butterflies typically tend to already have more friends/date offers than they can handle...


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## Mr. SandMan (Aug 24, 2007)

i defentaly would date someone with the same problems as me.....cause then you can relate to the same things and you would know each other on deeper levels....i dont see why not really, cause you would just know each other so good, and you would just know....i dont know, but i would, i dont see why not.....


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

It doesn't matter to me. We just have to be attracted to each other, and she can't be unkind/rude. She has to have a good heart.


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## Whimsy (Mar 16, 2006)

No I wouldn't date someone who has similar problems. I prefer the outgoing type because I can get away from my own issues and they do infact help me become more open.


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## kevinffcp (Aug 30, 2007)

Andrew White said:


> Volume said:
> 
> 
> > As much understanding and respect I have for socially-anxious people, I wouldn't want one around me permanently.
> ...


LOL, which is what the problem is.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

No, but I'm drawn to them. It's something in common huh?


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## saysomething (Oct 24, 2007)

I wouldn't want to exclude dating someone just because they're more social than me. As long as they're understanding about who I am and are a decent person. I guess I'd feel more comfortable around someone who also had SA though. I always thought shyness was kind of sexy too.


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## Zen Mechanics (Aug 3, 2007)

I don't really find shyness attractive, so probably wouldn't be to drawn to another person with SA.. hypocritical? Maybe.. but it hasn't been a problem anyway because the only girls who actually approach guys tend to be outgoing anyway, and since I never approach girls myself those are the only type I end up with.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

I think opposites attract more than anything in life. I think it is good for a relationship because you balance each other out. You don't have to be complete opposites but some oppositions help, imo.


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## ericj (Jun 20, 2007)

They should at the very least understand and accept how I am. Not that it matters, since it'll never happen again.


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## roswell (Feb 4, 2006)

saysomething said:


> I wouldn't want to exclude dating someone just because they're more social than me. As long as they're understanding about who I am and are a decent person. I guess I'd feel more comfortable around someone who also had SA though. I always thought shyness was kind of sexy too.


 :ditto

Whew! I avoid posting on so many threads because I'm reluctant to elaborate my thoughts into text thinking it probably won't come out the way it is in my head.

Fortunately, what you said is exactly my thoughts on the matter. Boy am I lazy!


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

I have absolutely no idea where the phrase 'opposites attract' comes from, why it is used, or why anyone believes it to be true. Sounds like complete nonsense to me. People prefer to be with those similar to them.


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