# Me + boyfriend doing drugs = badness



## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

I've probably made it sound worse that it is already.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year (well, a year in a week). We've only ever fought about one thing, and that's weed. I hate it. Like a burning firey passion of a hate. I despise it. I _loathe_ it. Anyway. He does it. He's not a stoner, he just does it once in a while. The last time we fought about it, we both wound up crying, and he told me that he was going to stop. For some reason, I said "No, you shouldn't have to stop doing something you like just because I don't like it." Now we don't even talk about it. I don't even know when he does it, which I think is worse. It's become this whole denial thing.

Just recently I learned that a friend told her boyfriend that she wouldn't go out with him unless he stopped smoking weed. And he did. Now another girl I know stopped doing it because her boyfriend doesn't like it. So now I'm worried that I did the completely wrong thing by basically telling my boyfriend I was alright with him doing it. I'm not! But I'd feel like such a b*itch bringing it up again. Am I being a pushover? Would it be fair for him to stop because I hate it so much? Is that a reasonable sacrifice for a relationship?


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## BMSMA1A2B3 (Apr 7, 2006)

Weed or the woman. Make it simple. Men are simple creatures.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

I think its reasonable for you to ask him to stop, but I also think its reasonable if he doesn't quit.

I would quit if somone asked me to, like even a freind, because its really not a big deal to me. Id rather have a good freind, which I do but most of them smoke weed to so.. including my both my parents, and sister(so they can't ask)


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## BMSMA1A2B3 (Apr 7, 2006)

I'm f'ed up enough without pot.  I'd rather have a woman than a high.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

What is your problem with him smoking weed?


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## Becky (Nov 5, 2003)

I wouldn't even consider giong out with a guy who did drugs.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Mehitabel - You sound like my ex. In my case, she knew it was a part of me, before we started going out. I never smoked around her, but she'd always nag me about it. 

I felt she was being unreasonable, and would have resented her if she was the reason I gave it up. 

I believe in compromise, but I also think it's wrong to ask someone to give up something they enjoy. And I'm not talking about raping babies, or killing kittens. Smoking pot is relatively harmless (it's a lot safer than alcohol). You either accept the whole package, or move on.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

CovertBanana said:


> It's hard to stop doing something like this, for someone else. He could pledge to you that he would no longer do it, he could make all the promises in the world to never smoke it again. But it just doesn't work out that way, not for long at least.


thats good adivce and im not trying to make fun, its only weed. So if he said he was gunna quit for her im sure he should be able to no problem. I used to smoke weed everyday a few years ago, and i didn't quit because of somthing, I got sick of coming home burnt out everyday, i had no struggle with it. Now i just smoke it every once and while, and its actually been a few weeks now.

Was your bf smoking weed before you guys started going out?


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Mehitabel said:


> I've probably made it sound worse that it is already.
> 
> I've been with my boyfriend for a year (well, a year in a week). We've only ever fought about one thing, and that's weed. I hate it. Like a burning firey passion of a hate. I despise it. I _loathe_ it. Anyway. He does it. He's not a stoner, he just does it once in a while. The last time we fought about it, we both wound up crying, and he told me that he was going to stop. For some reason, I said "No, you shouldn't have to stop doing something you like just because I don't like it." Now we don't even talk about it. I don't even know when he does it, which I think is worse. It's become this whole denial thing.
> 
> Just recently I learned that a friend told her boyfriend that she wouldn't go out with him unless he stopped smoking weed. And he did. Now another girl I know stopped doing it because her boyfriend doesn't like it. So now I'm worried that I did the completely wrong thing by basically telling my boyfriend I was alright with him doing it. I'm not! But I'd feel like such a b*itch bringing it up again. Am I being a pushover? Would it be fair for him to stop because I hate it so much? Is that a reasonable sacrifice for a relationship?


I'd say you made a major mistake by telling him he doesn't have to stop after he agreed to. The ball is in his court really. If you bring it up again he has the oppertunity to get upset and say, you said I didn't have to stop. As for would it be fair if he had to stop, I guess it depends on the relationship and his type of personality. Some would say that if he loves you and realized how much you hate it he should stop. Others would say he shouldn't have to change who he is for you. I'd want the person to stop but more than likely I wouldn't date the person because their friends are probably all stoners and I'd rather not be the one person in a group that isn't using. In my opinion the attitude that he shouldn't have to change for you in the long run will backfire. It tends to put self over the relationship.


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

> What is your problem with him smoking weed?


I hate it. I don't really want to go into the details of WHY I hate it, because I don't really want to start a big debate about it. I just hate it.



> You sound like my ex. In my case, she knew it was a part of me, before we started going out. I never smoked around her, but she'd always nag me about it.
> 
> I believe in compromise, but I also think it's wrong to ask someone to give up something they enjoy. Smoking pot is relatively harmless (it's a lot safer than alcohol). You either accept the whole package, or move on.


I NEVER nag him about it. We barely ever talk about it anymore. I hardly even think about it when I'm around him, because he's such a sweetheart. And I DID say that I already told him I thought it was unfair to make him stop. I'm just wondering if I'm being a pushover. And I don't care how harmless it is.

Yes, he did do it before we went out. The thing is, I waited for him for two years. It's a long story, but I wasn't about to tell him I wouldn't go out with him unless he quit, and risk losing him. I'm absolutely not going to break up with him over this. I'm just wondering if, considering how much I hate it, I'm doing the right thing by NOT complaining about it. I mean, he doesn't do it a lot. It would be easy for him to stop.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Mehitabel said:


> > What is your problem with him smoking weed?
> 
> 
> I hate it. I don't really want to go into the details of WHY I hate it, because I don't really want to start a big debate about it. I just hate it.
> ...


I NEVER nag him about it. We barely ever talk about it anymore. I hardly even think about it when I'm around him, because he's such a sweetheart. And I DID say that I already told him I thought it was unfair to make him stop. I'm just wondering if I'm being a pushover. And I don't care how harmless it is.

Yes, he did do it before we went out. The thing is, I waited for him for two years. It's a long story, but I wasn't about to tell him I wouldn't go out with him unless he quit, and risk losing him. I'm absolutely not going to break up with him over this. I'm just wondering if, considering how much I hate it, I'm doing the right thing by NOT complaining about it. I mean, he doesn't do it a lot. It would be easy for him to stop.[/quote:4edf5]

How much can he enjoy it if he only does it every once in a while? Obvious weighing you vs. the weed he must spend more time with you therefore enjoying you more. If he spends little time with the weed yet would rather drop you than the weed I think his priorities or perception of the relatioship probably aren't that serious.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Mehitabel said:


> I don't care how harmless it is.


How do/would you feel about him occasionally smoking a cigarette, or drinking a beer? If you accept that, then you should accept weed, because they're not really all that different. The issue is just gonna cause more tension, unless you can get over it. And it could actually make things _worse_ if he quit pot for you (resentment, etc).


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

He does drink. But he doesn't drink like an idiot. By which I mean getting so drunk that he pukes or passes out. That's the only problem I have with drinking. Plus he just became the legal drinking age here, so of course there's a bit of a novelty to it, which I expect will wear off. I hate smoking cigarettes just as much as I hate weed. And so does he.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

So.. Does he smoke pot like an idiot? If not, then you're making a big deal out of nothing.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Well, pot is illegal in a lot of areas, fines, jail time, all kinds of dumb **** can happen with it no matter what your personal beliefs are on it. 

Burning vegetable matter and inhaling it in your lungs seems like a bad idea to me, but I've done dumber stuff. I don't think you want to come off as trying to control him though, that never seems to work out well.


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

Inturmal said:


> So.. Does he smoke pot like an idiot? If not, then you're making a big deal out of nothing.


To me, there's no way to smoke intelligently.



> I don't think you want to come off as trying to control him though, that never seems to work out well.


_Definitely_ don't want to control him. I've never ever told him what to do, and I don't want to. Kind of messes up the issue here. Heh.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Mehitabel said:


> Inturmal said:
> 
> 
> > So.. Does he smoke pot like an idiot? If not, then you're making a big deal out of nothing.
> ...


So, would you be ok with him eating pot (brownies, THC pills, etc), or maybe drinking it (like a tea)?


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

Inturmal said:


> Mehitabel said:
> 
> 
> > Inturmal said:
> ...


Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Mehitabel said:


> Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.


But you seem to be ok with him drinking alcohol, which _is_ a drug, and more powerful/dangerous than pot. (no one's ever died from overdosing on pot, but _many_ have died from alcohol poisioning). I'm just trying to understand why it's ok for him to get a buzz from beer, but not from pot.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Smoking is disgusting and if whatever gurl I was with even puffed one cig or joint, Id get rid of her.


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## SADLiath (Aug 5, 2005)

Inturmal said:


> I'm just trying to understand why it's ok for him to get a buzz from beer, but not from pot.


I'd guess the same reason I'd have a problem with my fiance and anything to do with drugs.

No matter what the differences are, or anyone's personal views, marijuana is _illegal_. Beer is not. Cigarettes are not. Now, my fiance doesn't smoke cigarettes or drink. Neither do I. But we have a few friends who do, and a few others who also smoke weed (and some who are involved with other drugs, for whatever reasons).

He invites friends over on a weekend. One guy brings some beer. Fine. I'm not going to drink it, but whatever. A girl brings a bottle of wine ... same thing. The same guy who brought the beer smokes cigarettes. I say, whatever, just do it outside. I don't want my house to smell like smoke.

But one friend shows up with drugs. He gets kicked out and I tell him off. Why? Because we _rent_ this house and I don't want anybody getting _arrested_ here. I refuse to be caught up in something like that. I won't get a visit from the cops because some girl is drinking wine. Illegal drugs are different for that reason.

I wouldn't want my fiance to do drugs, either. He's too close to me for that, it makes me extremely uncomfortable, and we have better things to look forward to than bailing him out of jail. If he didn't understand that, well, we don't have the same vision of our future, and things might not work out so well.

So while I understand that weed might be seen the same as drinking or even safer, or no worse than a cigarette, I don't need to deal with that. I have plans that don't involve jail time or being high.

And Mehitabel, if this is what you're feeling, that's what you need to explain to your boyfriend. There might not be anything wrong with some drugs from a certain point of view, but ... it's your future and your relationship that you're concerned about. And weed shouldn't stand in your way, especially if it's not even a big part of his life.


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## Lilangel27 (Oct 6, 2006)

Becky said:


> I wouldn't even consider giong out with a guy who did drugs.


likewise...I wouldn't consider going out with a girl who did any drugs.....

I would have to think hard on if I would go out with them if they smoked cigs or even drank alcohol.....I think no to cigs, and it would depend if they were an occasion whine drinker, or a all night every night drinker...


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Lilangel27 said:


> Becky said:
> 
> 
> > I wouldn't even consider giong out with a guy who did drugs.
> ...


 :agree I probably wouldn't go out with a girl that smoked (NO CIGS; although I might be ok with the occasional joint). and I wouldn't want her to drink all the time either.


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## Spangles Muldoon (Jan 5, 2005)

Mehitabel said:


> So now I'm worried that I did the completely wrong thing by basically telling my boyfriend I was alright with him doing it. I'm not!


It's about *you*, not your boyfriend. If *you* are not comfortable with the weed, then he shouldn't be your boyfriend.

Ken


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## funkypresident (Sep 17, 2005)

Mehitabel said:


> Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.


Thats your *opinion*.

Everybody has their own view on that, and appearently so does he....So, therefore, if you think its "_Wrong_" for him to be doing it, and it bothers you so much; break up with him. Simple? I think so.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Marijuana seems to have a loser stigma and popular generlizations about users that alcohol doesn't. Alcohol has it's own, but pot being illegal might make it worse. And, I guess some people just don't like being around people when they are high for some reason. I guess it seems wasteful. Although I don't enjoy your attitude towards marijuana or drugs, Mehitabel, you are free to be that way. My only advice is that if you can't accept this part of your boyfriend then you shouldn't be with him. I've seen this happen before with couples and when it lingers on and the issue, whatever it may be, isn't changed, the frustration just builds up to a point where it turns out messier than it ever had to be. 

Besides that, I think you should probably figure this out on your own and not here.


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## sctork (Oct 23, 2006)

i think you are doing the right thing by not making a big deal out it.

are you upset because you don't wanna give in? you haven't given up anything by letting him do what he wants. if anything you did a very mature thing and compromised instead of letting it break you up. because like you said, it isn't something you would end the relationship for. you might have 'lost' the battle, but you won the war!

or are you so upset because you think he should want to do everything you ask? that's a very dangerous road to go down in a relationship. once he starts to do or not do things just because you tell him to, he starts to lose his own identity. i don't think you really want that. putting restrictions on him will probably just drive him to lie to you and do it behind your back... if it doesn't break you up completely.
he's aware of your problem with it, at least he's respecting you enough to not flaunt in front of your face.

good luck to you  it sounds like he's a good guy and not someone to lose over something like this


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

Inturmal said:


> Lilangel27 said:
> 
> 
> > Becky said:
> ...


I'm curious what you would do if this hypothetical girl started smoking or drinking "all the time" during a relationship with you. Would you say something in the hope that she would change her ways, be silent about it, or just leave? As for me, I'd lay it on the table and explain how it's affecting our relationship and ask her about her views on her habits and health considerations.

And I don't know about the legality of pot in the original poster's locality.
Whether one's a user or not, they can still be implicated in a legal mess should the authorities find drugs in their vicinity.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

Optimistic said:


> Inturmal said:
> 
> 
> > I probably wouldn't go out with a girl that smoked (NO CIGS; although I might be ok with the occasional joint). and I wouldn't want her to drink all the time either.
> ...


If she started smoking/drinking every day, then I'd try my best to get her to stop. Otherwise, the relationship would probably go downhill, and we'd break up. I have very little (no) tolerance to be around chain-smokers/drunks.

But, I've smoked and done certain substances in my time, so while I'd be understanding, I really don't want to be around it anymore.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Inturmal said:


> Mehitabel said:
> 
> 
> > I don't care how harmless it is.
> ...


There's one big difference. One is legal the other isn't. Until it's legal that's a big difference.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Inturmal said:


> Mehitabel said:
> 
> 
> > Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.
> ...


Okay I'm guessing you're a pot head. They also say a glass of wine a day is beneficial to the human body. You can rationalize as much as you want but it's illegal. Yes alcohol can kill you. Weed may not kill you instantly but overtime abuse of it will cause health problem of its own. It's a play on words. People have said that no one has died from steroids when medical docs are examined. No one overdoses from low levels of alcohol, so he's not going to die from taking alcohol. He'd have to be an insane abuser of it. Sure he could die while driving under the influence of alcohol but driving under the influence of any drug is dangerous. This puts us right back to where we started which is the main difference; one is legal the other is illegal.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Lilangel27 said:


> Becky said:
> 
> 
> > I wouldn't even consider giong out with a guy who did drugs.
> ...


I wouldn't date a smoker or a heavy drinker.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

scairy said:


> Okay I'm guessing you're a pot head.


_Former_ pot-head, actually (it's been about 5 years).



scairy said:


> This puts us right back to where we started which is the main difference; one is legal the other is illegal.


Where "we started" was trying to figure out what it was that she hated about him occasionally smoking pot. And I don't recall her saying anything about it being illegal, but if that's why, then it's certainly a good reason. But other than that..?

Then again, underage drinking is illegal, and millions of people do it all the time.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Inturmal said:


> scairy said:
> 
> 
> > Okay I'm guessing you're a pot head.
> ...


You're right but trying to rationalize and say something is right because others are doing a similar wrong doesn't justify it. This is a major problem I see with modern day America. We try to rationalize everything. If we do something wrong we say we don't believe it's wrong because we don't want to feel as if we are doing wrong. So where does the moral code go? Out the door. This leads to a set of morals where the only things that are considered wrong are those things we don't take part in.


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## Inturmal (Jan 15, 2006)

The definition of wrong depends on the time and place, assuming one bases it on the law. 

Remember Prohibition?

In certain countries, it's not "wrong" to smoke pot. And until the 1937 Marihuana Tax Act, it wasn't "wrong" in the U.S. either.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Inturmal said:


> The definition of wrong depends on the time and place, assuming one bases it on the law.
> 
> Remember Prohibition?
> 
> In certain countries, it's not "wrong" to smoke pot. And until the 1937 Marihuana Tax Act, it wasn't "wrong" in the U.S. either.


That law was enacted as a form of rascism; they were aiming to keep Mexicans (the primary users at the time) from migrating to America. The same thing with the laws against opium -it targed Asians migrating to San Francisco. I'm not defending the use of either substance; I'm just saying.


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## ate16am (Dec 23, 2005)

Ok, so I know I don't know you, and I apologize if I'm being too forward, but is it possible that you're "jealous" of the drug? I know that sounds weird, but maybe deep down a part of you doesn't like that the drugs take up time that he could be spending with you? Or maybe part of you thinks he enjoys getting high more than he enjoys being with you? 

I'm only saying this because I was once in the exact same position you are in. And yes, I later realized that the reason I hated it so much was because I was jealous.

However, in my case, I had no idea he smoked until one day about a month into our relationship, a friend of his came over and they pulled out a bong and had at it. I felt duped.


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## microbe (Apr 3, 2006)

Inturmal said:


> Mehitabel said:
> 
> 
> > Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.
> ...


because society and our government have brainwashed people's brains. Getting piss drunk and beating your benzo'd wife, while your obese children are all hopped on amphetamines and smoking ciggarrets is apparently acceptable but smoking weed a big "OH MY GOD"!

and as a point of trivia, it was actually Du Pont that killed marijuana's short lived legal status in the states. It was never a moral choice really to ban marijuana, except for that one nutjob harry anslinger, mainly a econimc one.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

microbe said:


> Inturmal said:
> 
> 
> > Mehitabel said:
> ...


I just don't understand your arguments. How is beating your wife and your child taking meth okay and legal? It's not! Nor does any normal person in society see it as legal. Let's see. Beating your wife is illegal, taking meth is illegal. Smoking weed is illegal. Drinking is legal. So you mix in illegal acts with the act of drinking in order to make it appear the same as using an illegal substance?


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

Drella's_Rock_Follies said:


> Inturmal said:
> 
> 
> > The definition of wrong depends on the time and place, assuming one bases it on the law.
> ...


Interesting. I didn't know that. I'm still glad they made Opium illegal.


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

First thing I'm going to say: Holy crap.

Second. He says he's quitting soon anyway. He doesn't see the point in doing it when he's out of his teens, and he agrees with me that it's impossible to come up with a good reason to defend it.



> Where "we started" was trying to figure out what it was that she hated about him occasionally smoking pot.


Because I hate pot. I did list the reasons why I hate it on my blog thing here, which I showed my boyfriend. He agrees with all of them.



> Inturmal wrote:
> Mehitabel wrote:
> Let me rephrase that. There's no way to do any drug intelligently.
> 
> ...


I don't drink, either. And drunk people piss me off. And I am certainly not brainwashed by the government. You can't drink intelligently either. Neither can you bungee jump intelligently. You can do it safely, but not intelligently.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

scairy said:


> There's one big difference. One is legal the other isn't. Until it's legal that's a big difference.


yep, always listen to what your government tells you, they know what best.


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## funkypresident (Sep 17, 2005)

AdamCanada said:


> scairy said:
> 
> 
> > There's one big difference. One is legal the other isn't. Until it's legal that's a big difference.
> ...


lol :lol I love the sarcasm in that


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

AdamCanada said:


> scairy said:
> 
> 
> > There's one big difference. One is legal the other isn't. Until it's legal that's a big difference.
> ...


Yeah I'd rather avoid any legal ramifications that could screw me both economically and with my leisure time.


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