# I can't go anymore!



## Laurenisdead (Nov 6, 2013)

Hey, I'm 17, from the UK and I should be at sixth form but I'm really struggling right now. This will probably be a really long post, I kind of just want to rant but if anyone has any advice then I'd appreciate it 
When I was in Year 8 at school I started to struggle with going to school, in the middle of year 9 I stopped going and had 6 months off. I went back in October 2011 and things were ok for about 2 weeks and then all of the problems came back and I was suffering from really bad depression (although I don't like to think of it as depression). By the end of January 2012 I was waking up everyday wanting to be dead because I just couldn't face school, I stopped going again. February 2012 was the worst month of my life, I felt so alone,I needed help but my family couldn't see that, they just wanted me to be at school because they didn't want to be in trouble. I feel like my parents didn't care about my happiness, they only cared about themselves. I felt like everyone hated me and the only person who cared about me was my grandmother. I tried to end my own life in February and I've never been so suicidal before. A few months later I was going into my school into a little room with a tutor so I could do school work, but even that was really hard for me to do. In July 2012 I was offered a place at a school for people in KS4 who couldn't attend school because of anxiety. I started in July and made friends straight away, I was there for the whole of year 11 and I kind of enjoyed it. There were a few times where I would have a week or two where I wouldn't go and wouldn't talk to anyone and I cried all the time but I had so many good times. By the end of my year there (Beginning of July this year) I had lost all of my friends, I was very "Depressed" and I knew that in September I would have to go to sixth form which terrified me.I started sixth form at the beginning of September and have had a teacher there everyday to support me but she is so clueless and makes me feel like sh*t sometimes. I wasn't able to do any of the courses that I wanted to do which makes it hard to go when I'm not doing something I enjoy. One of my classes, I've never been to it because I'm too scared, and it's the most important one (GCSE English)! Another one of my classes, I've been to it quite a few times but just sit in a room by myself most of the time. I feel like the people who are supposed to be supporting me and helping me are just making things worse for me, they draw attention to me, make a big fuss over things, and don't understand Anxiety at all. 
Right now I feel like I can't go back there, ever. But I have no where else I can go, I can't go to another college because it would just be the same if not worse, I can't get an apprenticeship because that terrifies me, I could try to get a job but I'm not sure if anyone would want me with just 3 GCSEs and I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone anyway. I can't just stay at home and do nothing but right now I feel like I need to do that. I need to just sort a lot of things out and have a break from things but I know that I can't really do that. I'm scared that I'll end up alone and depressed again. I just don't know what to do!
And CAMHS are useless, my therapist is so lovely but she thinks that the only problem that I have is anxiety and I really think that that isn't the thing that I most need help with. I haven't really talked to her about depression or anything. I've never been given a real diagnosis (I've been seeing a counsellor/therapist since the middle of 2010), I was just told "Definitely and anxiety disorder and maybe a bit of depression" that was is, no diagnosis so I don't know what's wrong with me (if anything) which makes it hard for people to help me and for me to help myself. From reading about mental illnesses and doing those silly "Mental disorder tests" I think I may have social anxiety disorder or avoidant personality disorder and BPD and cyclothemia. But what do I know, I need a proper doctor or therapist to tell me what is wrong with me not some silly online quiz. I feel like CAMHS have failed me, if they had helped me when I first went to them then maybe I would have at least one friend right now and I'd be able to go to sixth form because I really do want that.
Ok this was long, sorry. Any advice?


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## Misskittycat (Sep 5, 2013)

I can relate to a lot of things you've been though. I feel as if the people who are supposed to be supporting me, are only focusing on themselves. That nobody understands the severity of my Anxiety and Depression. My Mom thinks I'm fine and don't need therapy or medication.

My suggestions are therapy and medication if it's possible. I used to have them and they help A LOT. My Social Anxiety vanished for the period I was on medication and going to counseling. Then, things got better and I stopped taking them. Then **** happend, and I'm the same as before. 
Anyhow, when you get meds, even if things are getting better, don't stop taking them unless you're 100% sure you don't need them. AND never consider suicide. Your making a temporary problem permanent. Find new coping skills. Read a good book, a new sport, draw, write, run, ANYTHING but taking your life. You have so much in life that you haven't seen and you don't wanna miss out. 

PS: If you need someone to chat with, add me or message me if you'd like to


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