# Embarrassed about crying in therapy for first time



## katspazm84 (Jul 2, 2017)

I finally started real therapy recently. Today we had our fourth session and we planned that today would the first time we give EMDR a go..
I've never done EMDR, nor have I been to therapy for trauma before (went through exposure therapy for OCD when I was 12 but we never talked about trauma then, I'm 24 now).
I had been nervous the past few weeks about starting it, I've read a lot about it but I've never reflected back on past memories and I have been anxious thinking about it.
She was letting me choose what point/incident/memory etc to start with but I just cracked, I was trying so hard to not let the anxiety get to me, I was scared to start (I'm not a smoker but I have an emergency pack for nerves and I had two in a row on the way to my session.) A part of me wants my life to change for the better but I'm scared of changing because I've just gotten so used to the way I am, I've become complacent with depression and anxiety. I started to cry, she noticed I was breaking before I did and I HATE getting vulnerable in front of people. 
I was hoping that if I cried it'd be sessions from now, I just feel so embarrassed that I cried on my 4th session... before we even got to EMDR. I kept saying I was sorry (I wasn't sobbing per se).
I am aware there is nothing wrong with crying, it's healthy, but I grew up with the whole "I'll give you something that warrants real tears if you keep crying" kind of attitude drilled into me so crying is one of those things that remains extremely uncomfortable for me...

Anyone else relate? or have any words of comfort?


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## f1ora (Jan 5, 2016)

I think about when I first cried in front of my last therapist, i still feel a little embarrassed because i feel like I was crying over a trivial matter.

Another one I saw i was very embarrassed because my dad was there with me, i was in hs at the time. I couldn't tell him how i was feeling verbally so i wrote a message to him and I let him show and read it to the therapist, and began to cry there hearing how i felt read out loud. 

It's only normal that people don't want to appear vulnerable in front of others. imo you shouldn't be embarrassed, your therapist most likely understands and should be compassionate about it


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

katspazm84 said:


> I finally started real therapy recently. Today we had our fourth session and we planned that today would the first time we give EMDR a go..
> I've never done EMDR, nor have I been to therapy for trauma before (went through exposure therapy for OCD when I was 12 but we never talked about trauma then, I'm 24 now).
> I had been nervous the past few weeks about starting it, I've read a lot about it but I've never reflected back on past memories and I have been anxious thinking about it.
> She was letting me choose what point/incident/memory etc to start with but I just cracked, I was trying so hard to not let the anxiety get to me, I was scared to start (I'm not a smoker but I have an emergency pack for nerves and I had two in a row on the way to my session.) A part of me wants my life to change for the better but* I'm scared of changing because I've just gotten so used to the way I am, I've become complacent with depression and anxiety.* I started to cry, she noticed I was breaking before I did and *I HATE getting vulnerable in front of people. *
> ...


I color code areas sometimes so I can make specific points to posts.

That is called "resistance to change/secondary gains", You are at a point where you feel comfortable where you are, but know you need to proceed and are afraid of what that entails and the possible improvement on the other end. It can be enough to trigger crying. 

I am kind of there with my anxiety (to the point I have decreased doses for the first time in years). I am breaking through and being more social, then having flashback memories - that I can actually process without having a panic attack! My thinking is different (Paxil training wheels worked!). I am not reacting the way I used to, and I know this still needs improvement.
I actually have to email my doctor this month (I don't see her until May!) with information on how I am doing.....I may go down on meds again if I want.

This is another part - your body catching up to the changes your mind will be making. You are realizing that it is okay to cry, but "body memories" will try and throw in old reactions. Perfectly expected. Do NOT be ashamed to cry - that's actually helping you release trauma. It will decrease over time. Let the doctor help you through it; he/she is trained to do that.


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## Sus y (Aug 30, 2017)

I don't think there is something to be embarrassed of, also therapists are just going take to such reaction (very human btw) as part of the therapy process, also they are used to; but if you think it was really that bad, I'm telling you what happened to my friend who's acknowledged by the medical community as a good psychologist: she was the one crying during a session, yes, in front of the patient, they both just cried over the whole "this is my life story", they are human too (I know this because I know the patient too and they both told me -for reasons that are not needed to explain- :b).

I'm reading this and it reminded me of very simple but cute phrase of Uruguayan writer Mario Bennedite, who says “tengo la teoría de que cuando uno llora, nunca llora por lo que llora, sino por todas las cosas por las que no lloró en su debido momento”, which I'm translating as "I have a theory that when you cry, you never cry for what you cry, but for all the things you did not cry for in the due time".


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Sus y said:


> (I know this because I know the patient too and they both told me -for reasons that are not needed to explain- :b).


:O


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## versikk (Nov 25, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> I color code areas sometimes so I can make specific points to posts.
> 
> That is called "resistance to change/secondary gains", You are at a point where you feel comfortable where you are, but know you need to proceed and are afraid of what that entails and the possible improvement on the other end. It can be enough to trigger crying.
> 
> ...





Sus y said:


> I don't think there is something to be embarrassed of, also therapists are just going take to such reaction (very human btw) as part of the therapy process, also they are used to; but if you think it was really that bad, I'm telling you what happened to my friend who's acknowledged by the medical community as a good psychologist: she was the one crying during a session, yes, in front of the patient, they both just cried over the whole "this is my life story", they are human too (I know this because I know the patient too and they both told me -for reasons that are not needed to explain- :b).
> 
> I'm reading this and it reminded me of very simple but cute phrase of Uruguayan writer Mario Bennedite, who says "tengo la teoría de que cuando uno llora, nunca llora por lo que llora, sino por todas las cosas por las que no lloró en su debido momento", which I'm translating as "I have a theory that when you cry, you never cry for what you cry, but for all the things you did not cry for in the due time".


Excellent posts


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## Wren611 (Oct 19, 2012)

Therapists have seen it all before, just like a doctor with body issues people are embarrassed about, so there's nothing for you to worry about. they won't judge you for it, in-fact they would probably rather you did cry and let your emotions out than bottle them in and try to "stay strong".

Also, a therapist would never have that "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" attitude. They wouldn't be allowed.


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## Lohikaarme (Aug 28, 2013)

I teared up in front of my dietitian when I was younger (in my "defense" he wasn't very empathetic), I was MORTIFIED he had seen that side of me. Showing vulnerability to strangers makes me feel like ****, still does in some ways though I'm working on overcoming that.

Breathe, move past this. You didn't commit a crime by crying. Your life will go on


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

I cried in front of my old therapist once when I was trying to explain my childhood. It was mostly from guilt that came up for some things I had done as a teenager. Nothing to be ashamed of, next time will probably be easier now that it's out of your system.

My therapist turned out to be a real dick and that's the only reason I regret crying in front of him, but if you like your therapist I'm sure it was good for both of you, and they see it about every session I would imagine.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

I cry in front of my therapist maybe one in every 8 sessions. Those are the good sessions where some real progress gets made. Nothing to be ashamed about.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

For some reason seeing a therapist doesn't bother me anymore - and crying in front of them isn't a problem anymore either. I think it' probably because I've seen so many of them - many I can't even remember, let alone the actual therapy session.

Often what people may think is something "trivial" is just the tip of the ice-berg. It's actually the opening of a huge well of pain and fear - so it's not really trivial at all.

Just let it out - it doesn't matter what they think about it anyway.


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

katspazm84 said:


> I finally started real therapy recently. Today we had our fourth session and we planned that today would the first time we give EMDR a go..
> I've never done EMDR, nor have I been to therapy for trauma before (went through exposure therapy for OCD when I was 12 but we never talked about trauma then, I'm 24 now).
> I had been nervous the past few weeks about starting it, I've read a lot about it but I've never reflected back on past memories and I have been anxious thinking about it.
> She was letting me choose what point/incident/memory etc to start with but I just cracked, I was trying so hard to not let the anxiety get to me, I was scared to start (I'm not a smoker but I have an emergency pack for nerves and I had two in a row on the way to my session.) A part of me wants my life to change for the better but I'm scared of changing because I've just gotten so used to the way I am, I've become complacent with depression and anxiety. I started to cry, she noticed I was breaking before I did and I HATE getting vulnerable in front of people.
> ...


What is EMDR?

I have revealed various information to a therapist, embarrassing, shameful, anxiety-ridden, painful memories and events. I try to avoid crying sometimes, sometimes I just have to roll with it, depending on the subject matter.


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

There were a few times where therapists could tell I was ready to 'break' and I finally did when I did one-on-one and talked about certain circumstances in pertains to family and tragedy surrounding them. The repressed anger (which literally was conditioned) and sorrow just got a hold of me as if it happened within a week's span from when I talked to them about it even though it happened about five or six years ago.

It's normal to cry as therapists are in the profession to help someone to release and manage their emotions in that manner. But I totally get where you come from as of feeling shame when you do break down in front of others. For as long as I can remember I tried to keep things at a 'civil' level and then cry or release any type of anger behind closed doors. The way one is brought up and having the mentality of 'what ever happens in -this room- stays in -this room-' is not always a bad thing since we can't wear our hearts on our sleeves in every setting. So of course it gets uncomfortable when you do break from it.


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## 3stacks (Sep 27, 2014)

No need to be embarrassed it's a perfectly normal emotion. In fact I would say crying is to be expected especially bringing up bad memories and I feel its good to get it out.


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## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

@katspazm84, let it all out, make your ugliest crying face, when you've finished and your eyes are red and tired, turn them to her and notice.

Notice that she's still there, notice that she's neither angry nor disgusted, notice that things have changed.

Your past negative experiences shaped your current responses, use your current positive ones (realising that you're allowed to express emotion) to shape your future ones.

That is my advice to you. 

Good luck.


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## SFC01 (Feb 10, 2016)

3stacks said:


> No need to be embarrassed it's a perfectly normal emotion. In fact I would say crying is to be expected especially bringing up bad memories and I feel its good to get it out.


agree, you cant beat a good blub.

Off topic, but I've always wondered what causes the change from crying when you hurt yourself as a kid, to that of rage, swearing and smashing things up when you hurt yourself as you get older.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

When I see stuff like this it just reinforces my belief that therapy aims to either fix you or break you trying.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Crying shows that you're emotional which means you're human. I don't like to cry either as it makes me a mess and then it shows people how vulnerable I am. It was better when I was taking prozac or zoloft and I couldn't cry even if I tried. I always fail these days and I have cried with psychiatrists, psychologists, even in group therapy, with my family doctor, in front of my parents. I even used to cry at school all the way from elementary to college. In therapy is where you will cry most of all as it's a place where you will talk about your life and will have to dig up some nasty past times in order to heal. 

I sure felt better after crying it out. Crying it out is showing your vulnerable side but it also shows your strength in being able to open up about your past and heal some parts of it. I noticed I started healing a little while I was crying. I think you also healed a little. I also cry when my dad and I have an argument then I scream and tell him to hit me but he never does. I also cried while walking down the street full of oncoming cars and that was mostly because I am a no lifer and the people in the cars have a life and also I was feeling intense anxiety.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about! When I cry I also laugh inside so if people think I'm completely broken they're wrong because I'm laughing inside. So remember that when you cry you are healing a part of yourself. Therapists will understand that if you cry you are healing/getting better/coming to terms with something and moving on. Then they will feel like they are doing their jobs well.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

SFC01 said:


> agree, you cant beat a good blub.
> 
> Off topic, but I've always wondered what causes the change from crying when you hurt yourself as a kid, to that of rage, swearing and smashing things up when you hurt yourself as you get older.


Hormones of course!


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## SFC01 (Feb 10, 2016)

SwtSurrender said:


> Hormones of course!


oh ok, how do you make a hormone ??

sorry, crappy old joke.


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## MadHatterAbi (Feb 19, 2018)

It is embarrassing, but it's normal to cry at sessions. I'm crying on my sessions and my therapist said it's okay, it's normal and I should let it all out. So nothing to be ashamed of, even if our brain is telling us something different


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## ShatteredGlass (Oct 12, 2012)

Yes, indeed it is normal. It can even be cathartic if you let it be.


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