# Is it bad to be very attached to someone you met online?



## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

I just lost a really good friend I met on a German social anxiety forum. We knew each other for about 8 months and we used to chat almost every day. It never was a problem for her to chat with me the whole day. We had a lot in common. She didn't have much friends either, was scared of meeting people, played Xbox etc... But then on one day to another she just completely ignored me. She just never responded for about a month or so. I kept asking if I said something wrong but she never told me. She even said that I'm annoying which really depressed me. :'( 

2 days ago she deleted me. It felt like a really big part of my life was just taken away from me and almost felt like crying...

Now the question is: Was it my mistake to be so attached to someone I met online? I mean we talked almost every day about almost everything from school to video games. It really felt like I had a good friend there to talk to every now and then and now it's just gone.

Am I too sensitive?

(Sorry if that's the wrong sub-forum)


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I would think it would be bad to be attached so much to anyone, "IRL " or online :lol.

We still need to develop our real-life identities.


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## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

Wrong or right it's happened to me over and over. Part of why I'm in no rush to get super close to people. Ends with one or both of us being hurt.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> I would think it would be bad to be attached so much to anyone, "IRL " or online :lol.
> 
> We still need to develop our real-life identities.


So you mean just having acquaintances is the way to go for SA-people?

Okay :L


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

mattmc said:


> Wrong or right it's happened to me over and over. Part of why I'm in no rush to get super close to people. Ends with one or both of us being hurt.


Yeah maybe that's the right thing to do...

Having a really close connection to someone may feel really good especially for people with SA but if it doesnt last you will fall flat on the ground...


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

DanielFromGER said:


> So you mean just having acquaintances is the way to go for SA-people?
> 
> Okay :L


No -having boundaries and a strong sense of self.


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## HollaFlower (Jan 24, 2014)

There's no problem with it when you have the power to regulate yourself and your emotions. If you drift into emotional attachment there is a high percentage that it is mostly infatuation but I am not dismissing the possibility of genuine attraction. Having the ability to effortlessly talk to someone all day is easier online than it is in real life. Though it becomes a routine that will only make you content with being isolated. It almost doesn't matter how she reacted in the end, and you should realize that it is mostly because she is probably working on re-orientating her lifestyle and priorities to break out of isolation. Sometimes you just have to accept rational thought even though your emotions suggest other wise.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

Yes, absolutely. I've been there before. Met someone from another country who I really seemed to click with and we would talk for hours a day (this continued for almost 6 months), then she started to become distant and I let my insecurity/attachment show. Luckily I was able to smooth things over and we still talk from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. Anyways -

No, you're not at all too sensitive. I can relate to what you felt, it's really great to have someone to talk to like that, even if it's online. It feels good, plain and simple. The problems is that online interaction can be great at first. It allows us to meet different and interesting people and we're able to connect on a more personal level because we're more open talking online vs. IRL. You can meet a person and think they are just amazing and that you will never get tired of each other, but it's pretty much inevitable that one of the two will eventually get bored of the other and leave the other hurting. It's a lot easier to reject someone online (like your friend did by deleting you) because there's no need to be direct with the other person. However maintaining a close friendship online is extremely difficult because without shared personal experiences there's only so much that can be talked about. IT's tough to tell what caused her to act this way. Maybe something came up IRL, maybe she met a boy (even if this wasn't a romantic thing), or maybe the new friendship feeling wore our on her part. There's lots of possibilities, but dwelling on it will just make it even worse for you. 

I agree with MM75, getting to attached to anyone isn't a great idea, especially when you're a lonely person. Relying on one person too much as a source of happiness will lead to lots of pain, more than likely.

Sorry to hear she deleted you though. I was pretty sad when this happened to me so I know what you must be feeling like right now (and how strange you must feel for caring about someone online so much). If you want to talk about it more in-depth feel free to PM me.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> No -having boundaries and a strong sense of self.


Alright. It'll be very tough to manage though. Not the first time I I got disappointed by someone who I thought was nice :/
I get attached to people waaaay to easy.



Clarity's polar bear said:


> .., much of the way your mind thinks is interwoven with theirs. You expect certain feedback from them, and they have influenced you and you them to a large extent.


Yeah that seems quite like my situation :L



HollaFlower said:


> There's no problem with it when you have the power to regulate yourself and your emotions. If you drift into emotional attachment there is a high percentage that it is mostly infatuation but I am not dismissing the possibility of genuine attraction. Having the ability to effortlessly talk to someone all day is easier online than it is in real life. Though it becomes a routine that will only make you content with being isolated. It almost doesn't matter how she reacted in the end, and you should realize that it is mostly because she is probably working on re-orientating her lifestyle and priorities to break out of isolation. Sometimes you just have to accept rational thought even though your emotions suggest other wise.


Yes maybe you're right. But the fact that she didn't respond, even though I told her how ****ty I felt lately because she never responds still bugs me :'(.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

Cam1 said:


> Yes, absolutely. I've been there before. Met someone from another country who I really seemed to click with and we would talk for hours a day (this continued for almost 6 months), then she started to become distant and I let my insecurity/attachment show. Luckily I was able to smooth things over and we still talk from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. Anyways -
> 
> No, you're not at all too sensitive. I can relate to what you felt, it's really great to have someone to talk to like that, even if it's online. It feels good, plain and simple. The problems is that online interaction can be great at first. It allows us to meet different and interesting people and we're able to connect on a more personal level because we're more open talking online vs. IRL. You can meet a person and think they are just amazing and that you will never get tired of each other, but it's pretty much inevitable that one of the two will eventually get bored of the other and leave the other hurting. It's a lot easier to reject someone online (like your friend did by deleting you) because there's no need to be direct with the other person. However maintaining a close friendship online is extremely difficult because without shared personal experiences there's only so much that can be talked about. IT's tough to tell what caused her to act this way. Maybe something came up IRL, maybe she met a boy (even if this wasn't a romantic thing), or maybe the new friendship feeling wore our on her part. There's lots of possibilities, but dwelling on it will just make it even worse for you.
> 
> ...


I guess you're right  What you just wrote was pretty much spot on. she probably thinks I'm a complete loser now because I told her how I felt about her not responding...

But I just don't know how I can help myself. How do you avoid getting attached to someone that easy? :L


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

DanielFromGER said:


> I guess you're right  What you just wrote was pretty much spot on. she probably thinks I'm a complete loser now because I told her how I felt about her not responding...
> 
> But I just don't know how I can help myself. How do you avoid getting attached to someone that easy? :L


If you guys spoke a lot for 8 months, you had every right to know what it was that changed things. She's the loser for copping out like that instead of being honest with you.

Hmm, well I think the key could be to talk to more people. If you only have one person you're talking to regularly, naturally you will become over attached to them. Try messaging some people from here maybe.


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

Some people are just like this (SA or not) - you can't allow yourself to get worked up over it.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

Cam1 said:


> If you guys spoke a lot for 8 months, you had every right to know what it was that changed things. She's the loser for copping out like that instead of being honest with you.
> 
> Hmm, well I think the key could be to talk to more people. If you only have one person you're talking to regularly, naturally you will become over attached to them. Try messaging some people from here maybe.


I actually talked with 2 people (now only 1). but I'm too scared to let that happen again. Maybe I should give up on chatting to people I don't know completely and concentrate more on the people IRL


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

DanielFromGER said:


> Maybe I should give up on chatting to people I don't know completely and concentrate more on the people IRL


Yeah, that's probably the good idea.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

DanielFromGER said:


> Alright. It'll be very tough to manage though. Not the first time I I got disappointed by someone who I thought was nice :/
> I get attached to people waaaay to easy.
> 
> Yeah that seems quite like my situation :L
> ...


Just keep some space there, man. A little distance never hurt anyone :lol.


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## alenclaud (Mar 31, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that. It certainly gets harder to maintain an online relationship as the months pass by. Best thing to do is not get too attached. Is there any chance you can meet this person? Perhaps that may help (if that's what you wish), although it may have been preferable if you did it earlier.


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

shes probably just moving on and making friends in the real world. give it a try bud


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

You aren't too sensitive or pathetic. I always get a bit peeved whenever people act like online people aren't real. They are. If you met someone online and you got on well and enjoyed talking, so be it! You shouldn't settle for the person next to you just because they are next to you. That applies to friends or romantic partners. When it comes to SA, it get a bit difficult. Basically, if it turns romantic, you have to be committed to meeting IRL, otherwise you are just going to hurt each other. But if it's just friendship, online is enough and it is real. I know many awesome people online, but in real life, not many people impress me. I guess my point is that you didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't have blocked you out of her life out of the blue and if she did want to move on in life without you, she owed you an explanation. You aren't in the wrong here.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

The problem with online friendships/flirts is that this can happen any time. It's a risk to get emotionally involved. You should probably focus on people irl, because online things rarely lead anywhere. I think that it's common for people with SA to focus on online crushes because they are too afraid to get into a real relationship, and because they know deep down that it _wont_ lead to a meetup. So they create some kind of fantasy land where they are together, indefinitely. But there are others who enjoy the online friendships, in the abcence of irl ones, until they become more socially active - and start having less and less time to be online/disappear. They usually don't lie awake at night thinking about someone on the other side of the world and they can get creeped out when people act so needy about an online friendship/thing, expecting them to be available to talk all the time, etc. Try to be realistic about your online friendships, and enjoy them while they last. Cutting someone off is only one click away in the online world, and you don't really know someone unless you've met irl(unless you've been friends for years and years).


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

missamanda said:


> You aren't too sensitive or pathetic. I always get a bit peeved whenever people act like online people aren't real. They are. If you met someone online and you got on well and enjoyed talking, so be it! You shouldn't settle for the person next to you just because they are next to you. That applies to friends or romantic partners. When it comes to SA, it get a bit difficult. Basically, if it turns romantic, you have to be committed to meeting IRL, otherwise you are just going to hurt each other. But if it's just friendship, online is enough and it is real. I know many awesome people online, but in real life, not many people impress me. I guess my point is that you didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't have blocked you out of her life out of the blue and if she did want to move on in life without you, she owed you an explanation. You aren't in the wrong here.


Hm okay. It wasn't romantic lol. We were good friends thats it.



probably offline said:


> The problem with online friendships/flirts is that this can happen any time. It's a risk to get emotionally involved. You should probably focus on people irl, because online things rarely lead anywhere. I think that it's common for people with SA to focus on online crushes because they are too afraid to get into a real relationship, and because they know deep down that it _wont_ lead to a meetup. So they create some kind of fantasy land where they are together, indefinitely. But there are others who enjoy the online friendships, in the abcence of irl ones, until they become more socially active - and start having less and less time to be online/disappear. They usually don't lie awake at night thinking about someone on the other side of the world and they can get creeped out when people act so needy about an online friendship/thing, expecting them to be available to talk all the time, etc. Try to be realistic about your online friendships, and enjoy them while they last. Cutting someone off is only one click away in the online world, and you don't really know someone unless you've met irl(unless you've been friends for years and years).


Okay I think you're right. But as I said: it wasn't romantic at all.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Of course it's bad. You never know who is actually behind that computer screen!! dun dun dun.


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## cuppy (Oct 15, 2011)

It's a problem with me too >_< I've never been deleted as a friend (I think), but it sucks when your friend permanently leaves before you can talk to them again, or without even a word to you 

From now on I'll just try to view my interactions here as if I'm at an aquarium or something. See them through the glass, maybe stay for a little while, then move on. I get too attached to people here, I forget they're people with their own lives that I won't actually meet.


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## cerebral drift (Mar 27, 2014)

Social contact inevitably leads to attachment. We are social creatures. It's normal to want to talk to somebody you care about. We are more than the sum of our parts, and our friends are what make us more than we are. It's natural to feel down and out when we lose somebody, brother. It is not a flaw to get attached to people.

It becomes a problem when we judge ourselves over it. It becomes a flaw when we become too attached that we talk, and don't listen. We are all living our own lives, with our own adventures, trials, and tribulations. And sometimes, when we become so attached to somebody that we feel like we can tell them anything, we do. We tell them everything. And we stop listening. And eventually, they stop listening too. 

But sometimes, people just want to be left alone with their lives. Not because you've done anything, or they've done anything. They just...leave, and get on with life. It's happened to me too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is; It's never wrong to get attached to people. It's wrong to think you need them to make you feel better. If you truly care about someone, you let them go. If they come back, they care about you too.

There is a world full of awesome people out there. Keep meeting people, keep talking, keep listening.


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

I dunno why but I always become overly attached to people I form friendships with online. I just don't understand it. It really bugs me because it's most often the case that I like them more than they like me, and I end up getting frustrated with them and myself.

So um yeah.. it is bad, unless you have a real solid connection to someone.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

Yeah it's happened to me before heh. It's a little unsettling. One day they are just gone and you thought you were good friends. Makes me a little uncomfortable now that I think about it.


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## loneliness (Oct 3, 2013)

This happened to me with a girl i met on an MMO. We considered ourselves to be in a "relationship" (don't blame me, I was 15!) with the plan to eventually meet up (it never happened). We would play the game together all day (and dominated the server we were on, mostly because cooperation was big in that game and I always had a partner), then talk on various IM systems, or skype or talk on the phone. She was basically my life for an entire year and I was serious about meeting her, but it never happened. The "relationship" was surprisingly fufulling despite being limited by technology. I kind of miss those days, as pathetic as it sounds. It was nice to have someone around all the time who would listen to you, share their day with you, and even play games with you for 8+ hours a day. But I still don't think I could ever do the e-relationship thing unless it was 100% certain we would meet. 


you have to be careful with committing a lot of time to someone online; it often ends in tears.


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## londonguy202 (Jan 10, 2014)

no, it happens to me ALL THE TIME


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## londonguy202 (Jan 10, 2014)

Paloma M said:


> Of course it's bad. You never know who is actually behind that computer screen!! dun dun dun.


LOL, true but i try to be truthful and be myself online. I really dont mind the connections i make though here and Skype ETC. The more the better


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## xRoh (Mar 21, 2014)

loneliness said:


> This happened to me with a girl i met on an MMO. We considered ourselves to be in a "relationship" (don't blame me, I was 15!) with the plan to eventually meet up (it never happened). We would play the game together all day (and dominated the server we were on, mostly because cooperation was big in that game and I always had a partner), then talk on various IM systems, or skype or talk on the phone. She was basically my life for an entire year and I was serious about meeting her, but it never happened. The "relationship" was surprisingly fufulling despite being limited by technology. I kind of miss those days, as pathetic as it sounds. It was nice to have someone around all the time who would listen to you, share their day with you, and even play games with you for 8+ hours a day. But I still don't think I could ever do the e-relationship thing unless it was 100% certain we would meet.
> 
> you have to be careful with committing a lot of time to someone online; it often ends in tears.


Hah, used to be the same for me. I got attached to this guy I met on an MMO, we'd play together probably for about 12 hours every day. It felt pretty intense but then over time we just moved apart from eachother because there was just no way we were ever gonna meet.

It is seriously a nice feeling having someone there all the time to chat to while you're gaming together. I miss it as well in a way.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

yeah i had the same experience with a girl on an online game a couple years ago, its not really advisable to get to attached that way, but its certainly nice to have someone to talk to....


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## loneliness (Oct 3, 2013)

xRoh said:


> Hah, used to be the same for me. I got attached to this guy I met on an MMO, we'd play together probably for about 12 hours every day. It felt pretty intense but then over time we just moved apart from eachother because there was just no way we were ever gonna meet.
> *
> It is seriously a nice feeling having someone there all the time to chat to while you're gaming together. I miss it as well in a way. *


Haha, who can blame us? Playing a game all day AND spending it with someone you really like? I was happy as a pig in s***.

Admittedly that sort of thing only sounds enticing to certain types of people.


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## Edwolf (Dec 6, 2013)

Very very bad


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

About 10 years ago I got attached to this girl who I met through Myspace and lived close by. She never saw me as relationship material, just someone who was really nice to her and a good listener. Even though we lived close, we only met once. If took months just to get her to meet me. Eventually she blocked me entirely because I was getting too attached and jealous. About a year or two, I found her on Facebook and reconnected, but just as friends.

I see chatting as a waste of time, so I don't have any online friends anymore. I have people who I occasionally chat to online, but its people I've known IRL.


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## cooperativeCreature (Sep 6, 2010)

IMO it is bad. But I don't always agree with my opinion, IMO.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

Y


Nada said:


> About 10 years ago I got attached to this girl who I met through Myspace and lived close by. She never saw me as relationship material, just someone who was really nice to her and a good listener. Even though we lived close, we only met once. If took months just to get her to meet me. Eventually she blocked me entirely because I was getting too attached and jealous. About a year or two, I found her on Facebook and reconnected, but just as friends.
> 
> I see chatting as a waste of time, so I don't have any online friends anymore. I have people who I occasionally chat to online, but its people I've known IRL.


I'd stop to chat with people I met on the internet anytime if I had friends IRL :/


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

londonguy202 said:


> LOL, true but i try to be truthful and be myself online. I really dont mind the connections i make though here and Skype ETC. The more the better


We should all be honest when it comes to our own identity unless you really do not want to be identified but hopefully not for bad reasons.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

xRoh said:


> I dunno why but I always become overly attached to people I form friendships with online. I just don't understand it. It really bugs me because it's most often the case that I like them more than they like me, and I end up getting frustrated with them and myself.


It makes sense that those of us with SA would do this. It's hard to open up and connect with people in real life so we find people we click with online. We probably also tend to overvalue online friendships because it's hard to form and maintain them IRL. Though for a lot of people who we might end up becoming attached to, it's easy for them to lose us and replace us with new friends. I know that feeling though. It hurts when you really have a lot of respect and admiration for a person, and eventually end up feeling like you're annoying or meaningless to them (I know that's how I've felt in the past, it hurts).



cuppy said:


> From now on I'll just try to view my interactions here as if I'm at an aquarium or something. See them through the glass, maybe stay for a little while, then move on. I get too attached to people here, I forget they're people with their own lives that I won't actually meet.


That's what I do with SAS as well. I tend to just read the posts of people here I really like, as if they are fish in an aquarium, like you said. Some of my favorite posters are people who I've never even tried to talk to before and probably never will. I fear I'd become too attached to someone I could never meet if I tried to start an online friendship with them. Probably the best way to go about things, getting attached to people online is just too damn painful.


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## dal user (Dec 25, 2012)

Yes

I used to talk to a girl from here and she just suddenly up and left. I chatted to her a few times and then boom one day she just stopped posting here and going on skype too. I felt as if i'd lost a friend but people come and go and I realised I needed to man up and just accept it.


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## cerebral drift (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't know why. Insomnia. Just a story. 

I had a friend I met over the internet when I was 13. She was 13 too. We spoke all the time. We each had our problems, and it was just easier to talk to somebody who didn't know anything. We were both a simultaneous mess. We fell out of touch when I was 19. Different programs, different websites, it was just too hard, and we vanished from each others lives.

I'm 26 now. 5 months ago she found me again. She was pregnant, had a great life, and just wanted to know how I was. 

We never forget. Patience. Love.


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## Crimson Lotus (Jul 26, 2013)

You know, for people with SAD I believe that relationships should be viewed the same you would view gambling; you only bet what you can afford to lose.

So, if you're becoming emotionally close to a person, specially online, you always need to take a step back and ask yourself: "what would happen if this person was gone tomorrow?", if the answer is anything worse than "it would suck but life would go on" then you're in the danger zone and are becoming perilously close to dependence, meaning you should do everything in your power to cut down on your interaction with that person and find others with whom to connect.


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## starsfreak (Aug 20, 2013)

DerSteppenwolf said:


> You know, for people with SAD I believe that relationships should be viewed the same you would view gambling; you only bet what you can afford to lose.
> 
> So, if you're becoming emotionally close to a person, specially online, you always need to take a step back and ask yourself: "what would happen if this person was gone tomorrow?", if the answer is anything worse than "it would suck but life would go on" then you're in the danger zone and are becoming perilously close to dependence, meaning you should do everything in your power to cut down on your interaction with that person and find others with whom to connect.


That's a very good advice, thanks!


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## Shadow2009 (Sep 25, 2010)

nahhhhhhhhhh


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