# Do girls actively message guys on dating sites?



## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Since girls tend to get substantially more messages than men do on these sites, do a lot of women kind of just sit back and wait for a guy to show interest?

I send messages out, but not to every girl I'm interested in. I was kind of hoping an awesome girl might contact me. I've had a few messages, but none from girls I'd get along with.

So do you girls send out the messages regularly? Or only once in awhile


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I do, I wouldn't say all the time though.


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## lordfisto (Jul 10, 2011)

Xeros said:


> Since girls tend to get substantially more messages than men do on these sites, do a lot of women kind of just sit back and wait for a guy to show interest?
> 
> I send messages out, but not to every girl I'm interested in. I was kind of hoping an awesome girl might contact me. I've had a few messages, but none from girls I'd get along with.
> 
> So do you girls send out the messages regularly? Or only once in awhile


 can u plz gimme that site?i would like a nice dating side,thxs.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

lordfisto said:


> can u plz gimme that site?i would like a nice dating side,thxs.


www.okcupid.com

and

www.plentyoffish.com

Those are really the only two I've found to be decent.


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## rawrguy (Mar 29, 2008)

Men usually have to do all the work when it comes to this sort of thing


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Some do.


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## IcemanKilmer (Feb 20, 2011)

As far as ratios go, here's been my experience on OKCupid:

I've sent messages to about 50 women, and I've only been messaged by 3 women.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

I'll just talk from my own experience. I get a lot of "interest" and ".... wants to share her picture with you" messages on dating sites. But really messaging? No. Most of them don't, plain and simple. They might "hint" that they are interested in you, but they'll not make "the first move" most of the time. Just like in real life.

Just a question though; is OKcupid only for people from the US or are there Europians on there as well?


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Metalunatic said:


> I'll just talk from my own experience. I get a lot of "interest" and ".... wants to share her picture with you" messages on dating sites. But really messaging? No. Most of them don't, plain and simple. They might "hint" that they are interested in you, but they'll not make "the first move" most of the time. Just like in real life.
> 
> Just a question though; is OKcupid only for people from the US or are there Europians on there as well?


I'm pretty sure it's open to everyone. I know I've seen people from the UK on there.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Wow....I post this and then an hour later a girl who can actually formulate complete sentences messages me. Amazing.


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

A girl actually messaged me on OkC last night, shes cute and we have some stuff in common. First time thats ever happened, that a girl who messaged me first met my criteria. Usually i do all the messaging and get rejected tons before i start to meet a girl who'll even talk to me for more than a message or 2. I'm not trying to brag or anything just give some hope. I was about ready to call it a night after searching on there for a while and finding nothing, when bam said girl messages me.Best of luck to all of you and to me too, who knows if I will ever meet this girl more than likely I'll prob be back to square one again but oh well its a process.


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Xeros said:


> Wow....I post this and then an hour later a girl who can actually formulate complete sentences messages me. Amazing.


awesome man!


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I've gotten messages like, "Hi," and "I have a skull too." I like skulls, but I don't want to hear the obvious.


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

IcemanKilmer said:


> As far as ratios go, here's been my experience on OKCupid:
> 
> I've sent messages to about 50 women, and I've only been messaged by 3 women.


Have you tried writing poetry as your opener ?


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

The last time I was on there I got a few messages, but sometimes, not always, the fact they are messaging you might be a sign that there is something wrong with them. One woman lied about her age, another posted a picture that was old and looked nothing like her in real life and another one later told me that she wasnt really looking for a relationship on the site.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

I got a (very) few. So it's not unheard of. But it is pretty rare.

I have never messaged anyone first. I have too much pride and too fragile an ego to handle rejection.

I get plenty of messages from bots though. At least someone out there finds me irresistible!



Metalunatic said:


> Just a question though; is OKcupid only for people from the US or are there Europians on there as well?


I think okcupid is open to pretty much all of the intardnet. Plenty of fish is only open to a few countries.


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## purplefruit (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't, because I'm just too shy. I feel like I'm too ugly so a guy wouldn't be interested anyway. I know I should send messages though, because I don't receive many.



andy0128 said:


> The last time I was on there I got a few messages, but sometimes, not always, the fact they are messaging you might be a sign that there is something wrong with them. One woman lied about her age, another posted a picture that was old and looked nothing like her in real life and another one later told me that she wasnt really looking for a relationship on the site.


Whow, I better not then :um wouldn't want to scare anyone off


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

Eliza said:


> I don't, because I'm just too shy. I feel like I'm too ugly so a guy wouldn't be interested anyway. I know I should send messages though, because I don't receive many.
> 
> Whow, I better not then :um wouldn't want to scare anyone off


I said "sometimes" not "always" and believe me i speak from experience.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

Eliza said:


> I don't, because I'm just too shy. I feel like I'm too ugly so a guy wouldn't be interested anyway. I know I should send messages though, because I don't receive many.
> 
> Whow, I better not then :um wouldn't want to scare anyone off


No, don't take that attitude. I love it when girls message me. As long as they're not some complete lunatic it shows that they are actively searching and serious about trying to find someone.

A girl can go from "meh" to "I must have her" if she expresses interest in me first. Maybe it's an ego thing for me, but a girl walking up to me and asking me out would literally have to have a 4 foot beard for me to say no.

The idea that girls should just sit back and wait for someone is a bad idea. There might be a guy who's completely infatuated with you but is too shy to ever do anything about it.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

When I was 15-17, I would regularly receive messages. Now that I'm over 20, it just doesn't happen anymore.

Weird.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

On niche site, I got winked by some pretty redhead (I ended up blowing it with her later by being too timid with her. After e-stalking her a little bit, I found out the chick was a total nymph (but she was the shy type). I totally ruined my chance with her though by being too timid and socially awkward and not being aggressive enough) and messaged by another that was living in freakin BC. On OkCupid, I got approached by 0 chicks (I was only active for like a couple weeks tops though. Not even. I sent out like 2 messages and didn't get a reply but I admit that those messages were quite horrid. Plus those two weren't my type personality-wise. I just thought they were cute. lol). But I had a fair amount of visitors to my profile. Which suggests that girls want to give you hints to make the move but don't want to do it themselves. Or what they read in my profile scared them away. lol.

Overall yeah, if you are a guy on a dating site and you expect girls to make the first move, good luck is all I can say. lol. SA guys need to get used to being more assertive and taking more initiative. They need to get out of this mindset where they attach shyness to their identity. My SA is still very much a factor in my life but I find that it improves the more I utilize CBT techniques and integrate myself more with the social world.


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## johnstamos (Sep 9, 2010)

I've been on OKcupid for a couple months and i've only gotten a couple messages from a couple of girls I don't have much interest in. It's sort of discouraging especially since you can see who's looking at your profile and i'm getting like no views. Any advice?


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## Harpuia (Apr 10, 2010)

I was able to save up every message total on both sites and do a tally of all my messages on the two dating sites from different girls.

PlentyOfFish
Messages Sent: 62
Messages Received: 4
Dates/Meetups: 2
Successful Dates: 0

OKCupid
Messages Sent: 47
Messages Received: 9
Dates/Meetups: 3
Successful Dates: 0 (though 1 is still my friend to this day)


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

I had gotten a couple of messages when I was on plentyoffish, but I didn't feel any connection to the girls that messaged me. I do like messaging over being messaged anyways, I'm more of a dreamer when it comes to finding girls so I find it more helpful to get into someone when I've built them up beforehand over being caught off guard. Probably not healthy, but currently it's seemed to have formed something amazing for me.


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

Harpuia said:


> I was able to save up every message total on both sites and do a tally of all my messages on the two dating sites from different girls.
> 
> PlentyOfFish
> Messages Sent: 62
> ...


But
Have you tried writing poetry as your greeting ?
Or at least rap lyrics ? no??


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

Harpuia said:


> I was able to save up every message total on both sites and do a tally of all my messages on the two dating sites from different girls.
> 
> PlentyOfFish
> Messages Sent: 62
> ...


Par for the course. Probably even better than average for a guy, even.

Just remember the simplest rule of our society's gender roles, folks:

Expect a girl to do household chores or take certain jobs - you're a misogynist

Expect a guy to do all the work with dating - "that's just the way it is, sorry!"


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

anomalous said:


> Par for the course. Probably even better than average for a guy, even.
> 
> Just remember the simplest rule of our society's gender roles, folks:
> 
> ...


A guy has to put in more of the work to begin with in real life. If you take into account the high male to female ratio on internet dating site (last I checked, the single male: single female ratio of girls in my area on OkCupid is 2.79:1. Differentiating between single and not is important since you often see girls on there with "seeing someone" as their status. Not so much the guys.), then of course guys are going to have to put in a hell of a lot more effort on dating sites. When you have a bunch of guys messaging you, why would you put in the effort?

Honestly I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the whole concept of the "dating site". The girls I've talked to on here or other forums and in chat rooms, whether single or not, local or not, whatever, (I met my ex through a chat room. We're still friends today to boot) are a lot more interesting and chill than on Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, etc. The whole "dating site" thing just changes everything. That's why I expressed concern about the possibility of a dating subsection on this site. Because I prefer having a type of community that is focused on just socializing and making new friends. I don't think the environment on dating sites is as welcoming and fun to be honest. And if something just happens to develop, then it develops. My ex and I were actually online friends for well over a year (though we rarely talked much. It was when we started talking more regularly that things developed) and then things just naturally developed.

Then again, my ex found her current boyfriend on Plenty of Fish and she swears by it so maybe online dating sites work. Who knows. I just don't like the format. Even talking to girls in real life, I find it better than online dating sites. I've had more success in real life than I have with dating sites. And that says a lot because I tend to make bad first impressions in-person.


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

I posted this even though I had gotten plenty of messages. At the risk of trying to sound shallow and arrogant, most of the girls who contacted me first are the ones who probably aren't getting a lot of messages themselves. I wasn't sure if they are more likely to send out messages and the rest of the girls are less likely, or if it's pretty random.

I feel like an *** every time I have to try and let them down though.

But I've had a ton of success recently and it seems like most girls don't put a ton of work into searching for a guy. Especially if they're really unique and attractive. It's not anything vane on their part, it's just that they literally have a bunch of messages when the log in and have to sort through and read the profiles of all of them. I'm sure it can be a pain, but I would love the hell out of it if I got that many first contacts.

My Stats in two weeks since I reactivated my profile and decided to really put effort into it:

OKCupid:
Messages Sent: 34 Different girls, 175 including replies
Messages Received: 30 replies to my first contacts, 154 replies and new contacts
Dates/Meetups: 3
Successful Dates: 2 (One of which I'm going on my third date with tonight. She's pretty damn cool, but she's 4 years older than me. Doesn't matter to me, but I'm wondering if she has any worries.)

PlentyOfFish: For whatever reason I don't like this site, I think okcupid allows you to better gauge the person through bigger profiles and the compatibility questions. Although there seems to way considerably more girls on POF.
Messages Sent: 15
Messages Received: 12
Dates/Meetups: 0
Successful Dates: 0


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## SearchingforMe (Jul 15, 2011)

Lol. Im on okcupid and sent 15 girls messages and only two responded. Not even the ugly chicks answer. I might just message guys out.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

I never received a single message on OKCupid. No responses either.


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## Harpuia (Apr 10, 2010)

anomalous said:


> Par for the course. Probably even better than average for a guy, even.
> 
> Just remember the simplest rule of our society's gender roles, folks:
> 
> ...


Actually it's 13 on OKCupid if you count the 2 girls who messaged me first (1 when I was single, 1 after I was taken), the 1 girl who tried to insult me for passing her profile after seeing that she is 19, had a kid, was unemployed and was looking for a guy to "take care of her" (smokes: Yes, drinks: Desperately, drugs: Sometimes? No thank you.), and the 1 who wanted to say I looked scary in my suit and wanted to be my friend.

OKCupid was MUCH better to me than PlentyOfFish. I believe that any guy that claims more than half messages back though is lying. Even my ex-friend Todd, who was a bona-fide PLAYER in Vegas, getting girls to sleep with him on a regular basis only got a 45% message ratio back. I got an 8% message ratio back on NotSoPlentyOfFish and a ~23% message ratio back on OKCupid.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I got so damn lazy with online dating and so disenchanted I started just writing boring crap and never got responded back.


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## Harpuia (Apr 10, 2010)

Harpuia said:


> Actually it's 13 on OKCupid if you count the 2 girls who messaged me first (1 when I was single, 1 after I was taken), the 1 girl who tried to insult me for passing her profile after seeing that she is 19, had a kid, was unemployed and was looking for a guy to "take care of her" (smokes: Yes, drinks: Desperately, drugs: Sometimes? No thank you.), and the 1 who wanted to say I looked scary in my suit and wanted to be my friend.
> 
> OKCupid was MUCH better to me than PlentyOfFish. I believe that any guy that claims more than half messages back though is lying. Even my ex-friend Todd, who was a bona-fide PLAYER in Vegas, getting girls to sleep with him on a regular basis only got a 45% message ratio back. I got an 8% message ratio back on NotSoPlentyOfFish and a ~23% message ratio back on OKCupid.


Scratch that. You might score higher if you're a celebrity.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

It's next to impossible to show social status online. 

Unless, of course, you're a celebrity. But again, it could be a fake. It could also be a liar pretending to be rich or to drive a cadillac. So you can hardly take it seriously.

A lot of women have accounts on dating sites just to be told they're beautiful. Otherwise, what the hell are they doing on sites like these while they are "Dating and happy"?


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## Some Russian Guy (Mar 20, 2009)

Why U NO answer mah questiaan!!!!?
I asked you people whether you write poetry as your greeting on dating websites... you hurt my feelings by ignoring me! Now I feel abused and violated! Shame on you!


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## Nyx (Nov 17, 2003)

I have a few times, but it's never ended well.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Women don't have to be creative when they write to a guy. And they are still a lot more likely to get a response.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

TPower said:


> Women don't have to be creative when they write to a guy. And they are still a lot more likely to get a response.


They would if the guy wasn't desperate and was serious about it.


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## stylicho (Nov 8, 2003)

> Even talking to girls in real life, I find it better than online dating sites. I've had more success in real life than I have with dating sites. And that says a lot because I tend to make bad first impressions in-person.


Same here. Sucks for a guy with anxiety around females of course.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Metalunatic said:


> They would if the guy wasn't desperate and was serious about it.


Well, I wouldn't care if the girl sent me a simple "Hello "

I would still try to get to know her. Doesn't mean I'm desperate, I've rejected girls because they were fat, ugly or just too stupid for my tastes.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

TPower said:


> Well, I wouldn't care if the girl sent me a simple "Hello "
> 
> I would still try to get to know her. Doesn't mean I'm desperate, I've rejected girls because they were fat, ugly or just too stupid for my tastes.


Nono, that wasn't what I meant either. Like you said, you'd still want to get to know her better and find out if she ticks your boxes, etc. Maybe I should have clarified that.

I wrote that more with the "Omg a female actually takes an interest in me and/or batted her eyelashes at me! Must have her now no matter what she is like!" kind of attitude in mind.

For example, of the roughly 50 interest notifications I got the last few months, I only wrote about 1/5th of them and I've had several exchanges of messages with some, and a short relationship with one of them. The other 4/5th simply held no interest to me because they didn't have a lot in common with me, or were big party animals which doesn't appeal to me at all.

But seriously, wouldn't you be more interested if a woman actually came up with an interesting message too? For her to keep your interest, she's have to have something unique or special going on, right?

@ Some Russian Guy, I don't know. Depends on the woman, but Dutch women often are pretty sober and down to earth, so i'd rather not try it. Maybe were you live (i'm guessing Russia) it's not as frowned upon. If so, you could always try it.


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## contranigma (Jun 24, 2009)

I've had a few girls message me, but for the most part, I don't think they do.


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## Tu Cielo (Jun 5, 2011)

When I was on dating websites I never messaged guys. I always waited for them to message me. I guess I was worried that none of the guys would be interested.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

I sometimes got some messages on plentyoffish. I rarely replied to those women. And the women that i sent messages to, rarely replied to me. How ironic.

I'm glad i deleted my pof account as the rejection was just making me depressed.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

In my experience, girls are robots, and don't possess human emotions. Robots respond to questions, but do not go out of their own way to ask questions of their own, because they are too busy breaking hearts.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Auron said:


> i used to use plentyoffish. I dont remember exactly how many messages i sent but it was a lot. I got replies from very few girls i messaged. The 2 girls that contacted me first seemed like they didnt give a ****. Like "hi how r u"? i'd reply with a well written reply to make some conversation, and she'd reply like "hahha ye ur funny".
> 
> I havent been in dating sites in a very very very long time. But from experience, the girls who contacted me first didnt put the effort and were kind hoping i pull a clown out of my *** to do all the talking and entertainment.


I am not surprised given the high male to female ratio. Honestly if a girl behaves like that, they shouldn't be surprised if a guy just wants to get into their pants. If you want a guy to genuinely like you, you have to put in a genuine effort to sell yourself. Honestly if I were talking to a girl like that, my only real interest is whether or not she's DTF. Because she wouldn't have any use beyond that. If you want a guy to genuinely like you, give him a reason to genuinely like you beyond the fact that you are cute.

Personally I am baffled why the male to female ratio is so high on those sites. The internet is no longer a male-dominated realm. Plenty of girls use social networking sites like Facebook now. Online dating theoretically shouldn't be any different. And I doubt there are a lot more single males than single females. That is theoretically impossible unless there is a lot of polygamy going on (guys with 2 or more girlfriends). If there are a lot more girls with boyfriends, where are those boyfriends of theirs coming from?

It could just be that women are much more likely to search for boyfriends in RL than online (since guys are the ones that have to initiate, many may not have the courage to seek in RL. Whereas lots of girls don't have to initiate in RL because guys will) or that maybe online dating sites are filled with guys who are primarily interested in casual sex (that would explain that high male to female ratio).


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> or that maybe online dating sites are filled with guys who are primarily interested in casual sex (that would explain that high male to female ratio).


From what i've been told by several women (including my own mother), most men that message them are indeed just looking for sex. A woman might get a heap of messages per day, lets say that she gets 50 per day. Out of that 50 messages, only 3 or 4 might be serious messages by guys who are not immediatly looking for sex. I'd imagine it's got to be pretty hard to weed out all the d*cks looking to hump her.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Metalunatic said:


> From what i've been told by several women (including my own mother),* most men that message them are indeed just looking for sex. *A woman might get a heap of messages per day, lets say that she gets 50 per day. Out of that 50 messages, only 3 or 4 might be serious messages by guys who are not immediatly looking for sex. I'd imagine it's got to be pretty hard to weed out all the d*cks looking to hump her.


To be fair, there is not much you can learn about a girl just by reading her profile. Of the three girls I contacted on dating sites (yes three. lol. Barely put any effort in it), I did it because they were cute. How can I like them for their personality when you have to talk to them first to get a real picture of what they are like as a person? Profiles are not accurate and I don't take them as gospel. At most, I can find out whether or not we have a common interest from their profile. And to be honest, that's not a good gauge of whether I'd really like a girl or not. I've liked a couple gamer girls in my time. But I liked them primarily for who they were as a person, not because they happened to share a hobby with me. A girl can say "I'm sweet, I'm caring, etc." on their profile all they want but just because you say that you are that, doesn't mean it's true.

Honestly I really think meeting girls in RL may be more effective than dating sites. While SA is more immediately noticeable in-person, you are a lot less likely to get ignored in RL because it's considered rude to ignore a guy that is starting conversation with you in-person unless he's some creeper dude. There was this girl I volunteered with (due to the nature of our work, we barely had much opportunity to talk though. Most of the time we're supposed to do actual work. And we only volunteered together like 3 times. Haven't had an opportunity to talk to her again) and I never got to that point where I could ask for her number (it would have been too sudden if I did). But I got further with her conversation-wise than I have with a girl on a dating site that actually winked me (that girl just decided to ignore me after our first conversation for whatever reason. I actually found out later that this girl had a mental health history and usually goes for long-distance online relationships with guys who are emotionally distant and already have girlfriends. So honestly it might have just been her and not me. It was a hard thing to get over because she was physically attracted to me having made the first move by winking at me and then she just ignored me after the first conversation. That really hurt me because I was thinking, "I'm too socially awkward/retarded to keep girls interested."). And I didn't screw that one up by being aggressive. I was too timid if anything.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

Auron said:


> i used to use plentyoffish. I dont remember exactly how many messages i sent but it was a lot. I got replies from very few girls i messaged. The 2 girls that contacted me first seemed like they didnt give a ****. Like "hi how r u"? i'd reply with a well written reply to make some conversation, and she'd reply like "hahha ye ur funny".
> 
> I havent been in dating sites in a very very very long time. But from experience, the girls who contacted me first didnt put the effort and were kind hoping i pull a clown out of my *** to do all the talking and entertainment.


I think it's mostly the younger chicks that take that attitude of thinking guys should fawn over them as they're getting swamped with messages. Notice as well on POF many profiles they are dismissive of anyone that uses a simple hello as their intro. I mean what do people expect you to write as an alternative besides some corny pick up line. I think it's best to avoid any profiles like that personally.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

I noticed that one of the girls on OkCupid that didn't reply to my message checked out my profile again a month later. What is up with that? lol. Maybe it's because my profile is now set to "seeing someone" and now she must be thinking, "oh **** that cute guy I didn't bother responding to is no longer available!" That's ridiculous. It's almost like she's thinking, "oh some other girl sees something in him, so he must be quality!" lol.


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## Raulz0r (Jun 4, 2011)

im having hard luck finding any girls on OkCupid mostly because there are just a couple that are active from my area, one of them coincidentally being my ex (what are the odds )


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> To be fair, there is not much you can learn about a girl just by reading her profile. Of the three girls I contacted on dating sites (yes three. lol. Barely put any effort in it), I did it because they were cute. How can I like them for their personality when you have to talk to them first to get a real picture of what they are like as a person? Profiles are not accurate and I don't take them as gospel. At most, I can find out whether or not we have a common interest from their profile. And to be honest, that's not a good gauge of whether I'd really like a girl or not. I've liked a couple gamer girls in my time. But I liked them primarily for who they were as a person, not because they happened to share a hobby with me. A girl can say "I'm sweet, I'm caring, etc." on their profile all they want but just because you say that you are that, doesn't mean it's true.
> 
> [..]
> 
> Honestly I really think meeting girls in RL may be more effective than dating sites. While SA is more immediately noticeable in-person, you are a lot less likely to get ignored in RL because it's considered rude to ignore a guy that is starting conversation with you in-person unless he's some creeper dude.


I think you make a good point. Provided they actually took the time to fill in their profiles, which isn't often the case in the first place, it still only tells you what they want you to know. But thinking a girl is "cute" and therefore messaging her doesn't equate looking for sex like the guys who often message women on a dating site, in my book.

My ma actually showed me some of those messages she received. A lot of them were directly talking about sex, and some of them were married or already in a relationship. That's very different from you writing a girl because she looks good but at the end of the day, you still want to get to know her better by meeting her in real life. A dating site isn't a solution, it's just another medium that allows you to browse through girls that have the *potential* to be a match for you.



phoenixwright said:


> But I got further with her conversation-wise than I have with a girl on a dating site that actually winked me (that girl just decided to ignore me after our first conversation for whatever reason. I actually found out later that this girl had a mental health history and usually goes for long-distance online relationships with guSo honestly it might have just been her and not me. It was a hard thing to get over because she was physically attracted to me having made the first move by winking at me and then she just ignored me after the first conversation. That really hurt me because I was thinking, "I'm too socially awkward/retarded to keep girls interested."). And I didn't screw that one up by being aggressive. I was too timid if anything.


Yeah, that's an all too familiar story online, since like you said, it's easier to ignore someone on a dating site than it is in real life. Happened to me with a girl who I showed interest in, and she all of a sudden decided to not write anymore. A few days ago, the same thing happened. This other girl all of a sudden was gone from the site. It recently happened in real life to a friend of mine. The date didn't show up and he was waiting for about an hour, calling her, etc. Never heard from her again. Sad stuff on these womens' part. Again, dating sites are a nice medium in this day and age, but it isn't a lot better, and in some instances a bit worse than RL. 
I've had a relationship with a girl from a dating site (ok, it didn't end very well, but that's beside the point), so there definitly are people who are genuinly looking for someone on there. I assume you are, I know I am, so there must be women who are too, right?


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## shy-one (May 10, 2008)

phoenixwright said:


> Personally I am baffled why the male to female ratio is so high on those sites. The internet is no longer a male-dominated realm. Plenty of girls use social networking sites like Facebook now. Online dating theoretically shouldn't be any different. And I doubt there are a lot more single males than single females. That is theoretically impossible unless there is a lot of polygamy going on (guys with 2 or more girlfriends). If there are a lot more girls with boyfriends, where are those boyfriends of theirs coming from?
> 
> It could just be that women are much more likely to search for boyfriends in RL than online (since guys are the ones that have to initiate, many may not have the courage to seek in RL. Whereas lots of girls don't have to initiate in RL because guys will) or that maybe online dating sites are filled with guys who are primarily interested in casual sex (that would explain that high male to female ratio).


Spot on. I used to wonder this myself (about the high ratio of males to females). Most women don't need to bother with dating sites because they already have enough men approaching them in real life. However, women rarely approach men in real life, which is why more men go on dating sites.

Dating sites are great for women but a waste of time for men. You simply cannot compete with that many men after the same woman.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

shy-one said:


> Spot on. I used to wonder this myself (about the high ratio of males to females). Most women don't need to bother with dating sites because they already have enough men approaching them in real life. However, women rarely approach men in real life, which is why more men go on dating sites.
> 
> Dating sites are great for women but a waste of time for men. You simply cannot compete with that many men after the same woman.


Yeah you can. I started using OkCupid and I been pretty successful so far, didn't get a date yet, but I was surprised that I got women interested in me.

What worked for me was I just put the way I am, but put on a positive spin on it. I was also pretty selective, I didn't want to talk anyone who seemed uptight and when I messaged, I was just friendly. All I said was hey, I like what I see, I feel pretty good about messaging you and she was curious to why and I kept rolling with it. Keep it short and sweet.


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## johnstamos (Sep 9, 2010)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> Yeah you can. I started using OkCupid and I been pretty successful so far, didn't get a date yet, but I was surprised that I got women interested in me.
> 
> What worked for me was I just put the way I am, but put on a positive spin on it. I was also pretty selective, I didn't want to talk anyone who seemed uptight and when I messaged, I was just friendly. All I said was hey, I like what I see, I feel pretty good about messaging you and she was curious to why and I kept rolling with it. Keep it short and sweet.


same here, I think its more about patience more than anything. I don't see why online dating is a waste if time, if anything it's just another means of bettering the odds of meeting a woman. As a guy who has extreme trouble meeting women I think online dating is at least worth a try. I'm also not looking for "casual sex" but an actual relationship, so i'm hoping most women will take that as a plus (doubt it)


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

shy-one said:


> Spot on. I used to wonder this myself (about the high ratio of males to females). Most women don't need to bother with dating sites because they already have enough men approaching them in real life. *However, women rarely approach men in real life, which is why more men go on dating sites.*
> 
> Dating sites are great for women but a waste of time for men. You simply cannot compete with that many men after the same woman.


The bold part is very important. I don't think I've been approached a single time in real life by a girl. And if I was, it was a very subtle approach. As in, I had no idea if she liked me or not. But when I went online in chat rooms as a teen, I got a lot of interest from girls (and I did show them pictures) and on the dating sites, I had a number of views from attractive women (I'm guessing they at least like what they see anyway! lol) and a wink. It really sucks when you have no idea how women in RL view you. My self-image is so poor and way off. I magnify every single fault that I have into something way bigger than it is.

I had shut myself out of the dating thing for years because I felt like I had to work on myself before I could get out there again. But I think this did more harm than good. By at least trying and putting myself out there and seeing some positive results (ie. even if that girl who winked at me flaked out on me, at least she thought I was handsome. That's a plus right? lol And I had learned from that experience so it wasn't a waste), I saw that my self-image was way off and my self-esteem improved as a result.



johnstamos said:


> same here, I think its more about patience more than anything. I don't see why online dating is a waste if time, if anything it's just another means of bettering the odds of meeting a woman. As a guy who has extreme trouble meeting women I think online dating is at least worth a try. I'm also not looking for "casual sex" but an actual relationship, so i'm hoping most women will take that as a plus (doubt it)


Yeah it's not bad to keep those sites open as an option. I just feel that talking to girls in real-life is a more efficient method because those same girls who will ignore you on OkCupid or PoF will most likely at least talk to you in real life.

Part of the problem possibly is that my messages were like two paragraphs long. It really irritated when I took the time to compose a well-thought out message to those girls and they just didn't respond. As someone who started the online dating thing on chatrooms and being used to IM, it's hard for me to adapt to the reading profiles/PM structure on dating sites. And also texting. In chatrooms, there were no profiles. You just randomly messaged people you meet in the chatrooms and started talking. It's nice to have that option of dating sites. But I think online dating (when it was unregulated, disorganized) used to be better before you had sites like plenty of fish/OK Cupid/eHarmony/lavalife organized it and made dedicated sites for it.


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## Blue Bird (Jun 28, 2004)

I message guys that I'm interested in, I figure they'll never know I am if I don't. I'm way more assertive online than in person. I could never have the nerve to approach a guy in person, not because I expect him to come up to me first, but because I'm shy.

I've been getting more messages than I've been initiated lately (not being really active, ugh...still thinking about my ex), but it's usually from guys I'm not interested in. I can never seem to attract the kind of guys I like (personality and physical appearance).


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## DistinctlyAmbiguous (Aug 23, 2009)

I got over 150 meet me requests on PlentyOfFish, and only about 5 or 6 that met my criteria. Of course they never responded. 

I think it has a lot to do with your location too, not just men approaching women more in RL concerning the ratios.


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## this portrait (Jul 18, 2009)

I haven't been on those sites in over a year, but when I was, I rarely ever messaged a guy first. I'd get quite a lot of messages from different guys, but I was pretty selective with who I wanted to talk to. I think I only ever messaged a guy first once, and that's because he didn't talk to me first.


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## Wall of Red (Jun 24, 2011)

I have received a number of want to meet me things from girls on POF but in most cases the girl is not my type, has a really bad profile or lives too far away. In terms of just regular messages I will sometimes get women making first contact with me but when I do they are usually unattractive or live a long way away. The messages are usually crap as well, perhaps something like "Hey hunny, hows you?" It is very rare I find to get a good message when it is the woman contacting you first.


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## slushie87 (Jul 28, 2011)

At first I didn't but last month I started messaging guys on Okcupid and POF but I stopped because they acted kinda jerky.


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

> Part of the problem possibly is that my messages were like two paragraphs long. It really irritated when I took the time to compose a well-thought out message to those girls and they just didn't respond.


People don't want your life story in the first message. Even when you are a girl messaging guys. If you go over like 5 or 6 sentences in your first message it tends to be ignored or considered overly needy. You can make a well thought out message that involves things you read on the person's profile without going over 1 small to medium paragraph. More people will read it and more people will respond.


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## 17Racer (Jan 30, 2012)

Xeros said:


> www.okcupid.com
> 
> and
> 
> ...


That makes one of us.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I never send messages to guys. Sometimes I will favorite a profile or rate them 5 stars or whatever. They then get a message saying so and so added you to their favorites. I then wait and see if they send me a message.


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## RenegadeReloaded (Mar 12, 2011)

Ofc they don't. Just make a fake girl account and have your inbox flooded. The last thing u will think to do is to initiate and message someone, cause u will barely have time to message back


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## dkriot (Dec 12, 2011)

RenegadeReloaded said:


> Ofc they don't. Just make a fake girl account and have your inbox flooded. The last thing u will think to do is to initiate and message someone, cause u will barely have time to message back


What the hell. Don't make other people waste their time on replying to some fake account. Ugh.:no


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Xeros said:


> Since girls tend to get substantially more messages than men do on these sites, do a lot of women kind of just sit back and wait for a guy to show interest?
> 
> I send messages out, but not to every girl I'm interested in. I was kind of hoping an awesome girl might contact me. I've had a few messages, but none from girls I'd get along with.
> 
> So do you girls send out the messages regularly? Or only once in awhile


I do!


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

Janniffy said:


> I do!


You've never sent to me! :b
Had any luck so far on your messages?


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Milco said:


> You've never sent to me! :b
> Had any luck so far on your messages?


I've not talked to you in ages!!! I usually only send to people who live close by and yeah I am meeting someone in about two weeks :um


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

Janniffy said:


> I've not talked to you in ages!!! I usually only send to people who live close by and yeah I am meeting someone in about two weeks :um


Hehe, we'll have to make up for lost time at some point 
Hope you have a great time and that things goes well in two weeks!


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

i just sent a message to someone on OKcupid, lets see if he responds :stu


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## Daft (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm a little easily intimidated, but if a guy seems approachable and I can think up a few conversation starters, I'll do it. I don't get too many messages, so I kind of have to take the initiative if I want things to start happening.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

The girl I hooked up with recently actually messaged me first. I'd imagine this is an exception to the rule though. I rarely get initiated.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

In a word, no. I probably get one message for every 50 I send out, roughly.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

komorikun said:


> I never send messages to guys. Sometimes I will favorite a profile or rate them 5 stars or whatever. They then get a message saying so and so added you to their favorites. I then wait and see if they send me a message.


I don't mind this technique, it is being proactive at least.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I never send messages to guys. Sometimes I will favorite a profile or rate them 5 stars or whatever. They then get a message saying so and so added you to their favorites. I then wait and see if they send me a message.


When I had conducted my experiment with the fake female profile, plenty of guys have favorited her without even bothering to message her. My impression? That was creepy. I guess it's different when women do it?


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> When I had conducted my experiment with the fake female profile, plenty of guys have favorited her without even bothering to message her. My impression? That was creepy. I guess it's different when women do it?


On OkCupid there is a way where you can rate the other person as well. And I believe you only find out what they rated you if you rate them 3 or 4 stars as well.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

srschirm said:


> On OkCupid there is a way where you can rate the other person as well. And I believe you only find out what they rated you if you rate them 3 or 4 stars as well.


Yeah I'm aware of that. It's a great idea actually. And the cut off is 4 or 5 stars (out of 5). Not 3. 3 out of 5 is "neutral".


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Yeah I wasn't sure if it was 3 or 4.


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## bk (May 2, 2004)

phoenixwright said:


> When I had conducted my experiment with the fake female profile, plenty of guys have favorited her without even bothering to message her. My impression? That was creepy. I guess it's different when women do it?


Sometimes I will favorite people because I intend to write them a message but can't think of anything to say. And then many days later I realize that I never did remember to message them. Although I always select the box to not tell them that I favorited them.


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## bk (May 2, 2004)

I've gotten two unsolicited messages from women in two months of being on okcupid. So it does happen, but so rarely that it comes as a complete surprise when it does.


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

blue the puppy said:


> i just sent a message to someone on OKcupid, lets see if he responds :stu


didn't respond yet :|


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> When I had conducted my experiment with the fake female profile, plenty of guys have favorited her without even bothering to message her. My impression? That was creepy. I guess it's different when women do it?


It could be creepy. I rarely do it but I do get messages afterwards much of the time.

I like the favorite and star functions more than that stupid meet me thing on POF. The meet me thing is completely useless. I imagine guys just go through all the pics real quick without looking at the profiles and say yes to 80% of them.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

blue the puppy said:


> didn't respond yet :|


How silly would a guy have to be to not respond to you? 
Give it a bit more time. I hope he replies!


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

Yes, they do. I was messaged first by a few women on there. I got in a relationship with one of them.


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## feverfew (Jan 11, 2012)

When I was on okcupid I usually got one once or twice a week. I always wrote back even if I wasn't interested because I didn't want to be rude and I hated when people wouldn't write back. A "no thank you" would suffice.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

feverfew said:


> When I was on okcupid I usually got one once or twice a week. I always wrote back even if I wasn't interested because I didn't want to be rude and I hated when people wouldn't write back. A "no thank you" would suffice.


Really?
I guess girls in the.. US?.. are better than Danish ones :b
I think I got 4 or 5 messages in the 6 months I had a profile on a Danish site..
Or maybe you're just that much better a 'catch' than me :lol


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## dkriot (Dec 12, 2011)

Milco said:


> Really?
> I guess girls in the.. US?.. are better than Danish ones :b
> I think I got 4 or 5 messages in the 6 months I had a profile on a Danish site..
> Or maybe you're just that much better a 'catch' than me :lol


Oooh I'd love to bed a Dane. Nom om om.


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## Daft (Jan 5, 2012)

feverfew said:


> When I was on okcupid I usually got one once or twice a week. I always wrote back even if I wasn't interested because I didn't want to be rude and I hated when people wouldn't write back. A "no thank you" would suffice.


I'm selective about my responses. I'll respond to any personalized message with the same, but if it's obviously a copy-paste type thing, even with a couple keywords they skimmed for thrown in, I don't bother.


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

This is a very good question, and I think this has to be clarified,
so the answer to this is, and let me just be absolutely clear about this:
No.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

_AJ_ said:


> This is a very good question, and I think this has to be clarified,
> so the answer to this is, and let me just be absolutely clear about this:
> No.


Lol, that's not true! :b


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

Milco said:


> How silly would a guy have to be to not respond to you?


aw shucks. if only every guy could be so charming!


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## Propaganda (Oct 26, 2010)

My results seem to be typical of everyone else's.

Very little replies. A few meets. No real success.

Being a guy, I find it odd I get the occasional messages of, "Hi, how r you?" ... instant delete. (well after checking the profile first)

I learned a few tricks to getting a better rate of replies is...

Keep the initial message simple.
Ask a question which gives her a chance to talk about herself in a kind manner.
Use proper English.
End the message with a somewhat silly phrase to show you are not a bot looking for tang.


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## stylicho (Nov 8, 2003)

I wouldn't touch online dating with a ten foot pole now days. I learned me lesson lol.


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## kikyoumiko (Nov 24, 2009)

I did. That's how I met my (ex)boyfriend of a year and a half. I was doing the online dating thing on and off for about two years and learned that sometimes I have to be assertive to meet someone worthwhile. And yeah, as a female I did receive quite a few messages. But I got more of "Hey how r u? lol" and guys just wanting to hook up. So when I come across a person's profile that I'm interested in, I do take the time to write a message that someone could reply to. Once in awhile, something good comes out of it.


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