# Using CBT to treat fear of rejection



## david90

When I get rejected, I can't help to think that I'm bad/defective. The belief that I have about rejection is that "bad things get rejected." Thus, when I get rejected I feel that I'm a bad and non worthy person.

How can I change my thinking/attitude towards rejection using CBT? Is it realistic to believe that "bad things get rejected?" This belief is pretty strong to me and I don't see any alternative.


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## millenniumman75

David90,

The fault would not completely be on you when it comes to rejection. The other party has more responsibility for the action than you. You have to remember that other people have issues, too; you just can't see them. 

They may have peer pressure or self-esteem issues - you'd never know.

Just because they rejected you doesn't mean that someone else may not like you.


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## danielk

david90 said:


> This belief is pretty strong to me and I don't see any alternative.


CBT a la Beck would likely challenge your line of thinking through what is roughly the scientific method: i.e., guided discovery, hypothesis testing, supporting through evidence, and looking for alternative theories.

Ideally, a qualified therapist would be of most help with this process. However, there are some good CBT workbooks you can try to use on your own. One that I like is _Mind Over Mood_.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah

Oh ye yeah thats a great book, as is Feeling Good - the New Mood Therapy.

The rjection thing may be very deep inside you, as it was for me. If it goes down to schema level - that is, formed when you were VERY young, then your sense of abandonment and defectiveness will be very acute. This is the case for me, and I found that CBt alone has not been enough. It could get me to approach women and talk to them, which alone was enough to increase my chances, but I was still very sensitised to rejection. I made a post here about the beliefs that underlie my fears of rekection and you will see that some are verging on the paranoiac. This depth of fear cannot be addressed with CBT because the "Romance Situation" if you like, has so many elements that I identify with hurt, pain, abuse and fear.

I feel defective to the other men (defectivesness). I fear they will attack me (vulnerability and mistrust / Abuse). I fear that by showing my interest I am giving up some element of my own self-volition, opening myself up as 'weak' or needy (subjugation). Sometimes I may rebel against these internal pressures and switch into an arrogant, aloof way of being with women as an overcompensation (entitlement). I tend to babble and not control my words and actions (Impulsiveness / lack of self discipline). I may fear that people think I am sleazy and disgusting for wanting to meet someone (Emotional Deprivation and Punitveness). Each of these schemas can be activated by some unique aspect of the interaction or environment which means that the whole process is IMMENSELY difficult given the quantity of schemas.

Schemas are deeper than the core beliefs that CBT works with and can include physical emotional responses that you learned as a baby - before you could even speak. For example if a mother is unable to soothe her baby through a lack of empathy, thousands of studies show that one if the babies responses is to stop trying to get soothing from mum, or to even turn away from her if her inability results in the baby becoming more distressed. This can set up a sense that no one is there for you emotionally, but at a BODY level. After all a baby cannot speak, but the sense that you may be abandoned or cannot ever be close to people can be instilled in you in this way.

Many people may take affront to these ideas, and they freuqntly do. However Schema is one of the only psychotherapies that underwent controlled clinical trials before it was 'unleashed' on the public.

A good first way into understanding schema and some of your own difficulties would be to read the book Reinventing Your Life by Klosko and Young


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## david90

millenniumman75 said:


> David90,
> 
> The fault would not completely be on you when it comes to rejection. The other party has more responsibility for the action than you. You have to remember that other people have issues, too; you just can't see them.
> 
> They may have peer pressure or self-esteem issues - you'd never know.
> 
> Just because they rejected you doesn't mean that someone else may not like you.


There is a problem with thinking that "the fault would not completely be on you when it comes to rejection." CBT about changing negative belief to realistic positive belief and thinking that rejection can never be completely my fault is IMO is not realistic. Most rejections are not my fault but some are because I'm not a perfect human being. For example, what if a girl rejects me because I forget about our date? It would be completely my fault.

As for schema, I don't think my problem lies that "deep." I think I'm more well off socially than most people on this forum.

*Basically what I'm trying to do is change the way I feel about rejection so that it doesn't hurt when the rejection is my fault and not my fault.
*

As a user of a this forum, I understand that criticism can have a big effect on other users here. Above is just my personal views on things. I don't know if I'm right or you're right.


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## danielk

david90 said:


> There is a problem with thinking that "the fault would not completely be on you when it comes to rejection." CBT about changing negative belief to realistic positive belief and thinking that rejection can never be completely my fault is IMO is not realistic. Most rejections are not my fault but some are because I'm not a perfect human being. For example, what if a girl rejects me because I forget about our date? It would be completely my fault.


OK. CBT isn't about changing everything to a positive belief. It's more than that. If, for example, you are at fault for a rejection, what does that say about you? You acknowledge that you're not a perfect human being. You must realize, then, that no one else is perfect either.


david90 said:


> As for schema, I don't think my problem lies that "deep." I think I'm more well off socially than most people on this forum.


Of course you may be better off than some socially; some may be better off than you, too. That's really neither here nor there. Schema therapy may seem too deep (I, too, am wary of the abstract stuff), but there may be core beliefs that need challenged - no matter where they come from.


david90 said:


> *Basically what I'm trying to do is change the way I feel about rejection so that it doesn't hurt when the rejection is my fault and not my fault.*


It's going to hurt either way, I'm afraid. I think the real issue, if I understand correctly, is whether or not it is your fault, what does that say about you as a person?


david90 said:


> I don't know if I'm right or you're right.


It can be both, too!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah

Hey dude

Yeah rejection sucks planks! I especially hate it when i pluck up the courage and then get knocked back, or screw up later in the relationship  Is this happening a lot? :hug

To come to the CBt thing - you arent trying to change it to a positive belief - you are trying to come up with a less painful alternative and new coping response, which WITH TIME will erode your belief about rejection the more its applied. BUT BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING - you must accept where you are. You must FIRST accept that you do feel this. Its called validation - though the term self-empathy is probably better. You feel bad. That sucks. Its ok to feel bad! If you tell yourself you shouldnt ... you feel annoyed AS WELL AS BAD! This is something that some CBT books miss. You have emotions - treat them kindly! And be kind to yourself too - perfection is not within anyones grasp, so quit bashing yourself when you make inevitable mistakes 

You WILL BE REJECTED by people. When they do, what level of pain do you feel? Is it the level of pain someone feels when a new friend decides they like someone else more, or is it more intense than that? Perhaps similar to what a child would feel if he was lost? Is there fear involved in your reaction?

To go to Millinniums suggestion - if one girl rejects you, is this evidence they all will?

Do you belive that any small mistake means you deserve to be rejected? Do you know what forgiveness is? Do they?

Do you feel that if you could just behave perfectly, that everything would be ok? How reasonable is this aim of perfection? Are there others you see who are perfect that you would like to be like?

These questions are important because they will tell you more about where the feelings come from and how deep they are.


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## townie

*The bad gets blown out of proportion of my mind .... and thanks ...*



yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> To come to the CBt thing - you arent trying to change it to a positive belief - you are trying to come up with a less painful alternative and new coping response, which WITH TIME will erode your belief about rejection the more its applied. BUT BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING - you must accept where you are. You must FIRST accept that you do feel this. Its called validation - though the term self-empathy is probably better. You feel bad. That sucks. Its ok to feel bad! If you tell yourself you shouldnt ... you feel annoyed AS WELL AS BAD! This is something that some CBT books miss. You have emotions - treat them kindly!


Just wanted to say thanks. First time here and well said.

It DOES feel like since I've lost friendship after friendship (even though usually the people I chose for bffs are self-obsessed narcissists) I should just give up ... It still _feels _like my fault, even though I know it's not. It's weird too how when even a few mess up, they frequency seems to be so exaggerated in my mind, versus the number of successful relationships. It's not that I'm a pessimist, I don't think, but I'm not sure why.


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## oopsiedoop

Here's the one I can't CBT my way out of:

If I'm not liked by the important people in my life, my life is a failure.


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## wxolue

If you aren't able to come up with a direct counter belief through CBT, it usually means you haven't gotten down to the core negative belief. You fear rejection, but what aspect of rejection do you fear? Is it that other people will see you have failed? Other people think they are better than you? people are disappointed in you? Get down to the core belief. Once you find the perfect counter belief, it should really feel good when you completely wrap your head around it.

Give me a few examples where you experience anxiety, and ill try to find some counter thoughts.


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## wxolue

oopsiedoop said:


> Here's the one I can't CBT my way out of:
> 
> If I'm not liked by the important people in my life, my life is a failure.


First of all, change the diction. Let's start with fail. Fail is an all or nothing word. An absolute. There's no middle ground, and no room for reason. Use something more reasonable. Something more forgiving. Something that says you're disappointed, but you know its not the end of the world. Second of all, don't generalize it to life. Even the most important person you know shouldn't encompass your whole life, and likely don't. Even if the most important person in your life absolutely hates you, you're life is not a failure, because there are parts of your life that haven't even happened yet! It's like missing one basket and declaring that there's no way in hell you will ever be able to shoot a basketball in your whole life.

Now, do you have solid verification that you're not liked by the most important people in your life? Remember anxiety can sometimes make us see things that aren't there. Is there any middle ground? Could they be temporarily disappointed in you? It's important to remember the good times when you're fighting with a loved one. Just because you're angry at someone, doesn't mean you will never like them again. If they're important people in your life, im sure they have to like you a little to stick around for so long .

There may very well become a time where you get into too many fights with (lets say for example) a girlfriend. You have to think about whether its worth it to include them in the "important people" category.

I'll see if i can say more if you can give me some more details.


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## little elf

Could i love and accept myself despite rejections?


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## gkv

Maybe people are put off by some insecurities or other things you convey. Some evil circle. I try focusing on the persons I interact with and not myself, and try to sincerely feel respect and warmth towards them. At that point it is their loss.


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## Stanley Schwarz

Using CBT? Well, the idea with CBT, if I'm not wrong, is to use rational thinking process to counter the negative, irrational thoughts.

Try to think of rejection as the person deciding that there is an incompatibility, not because of bad. One technique of CBT is to put yourself in the other people's shoe.

Surely you would have rejected a salesperson, or someone a while ago. Think hard about that moment. Now, ask yourself, do you truly think the person whom you've rejected is truly bad, and defective? Most probably not.

What would you say to this person if he confess to you, that he feels like useless, flawed when you reject him? It sounds wrong, doesn't it? You just feel that what he had to offer was incompatible to your needs - like how a circle does not fit well into a square hole. It's not necessary bad.

How about this? Martha Steward as you know her, started her career selling pies at a parking lot. Now, surely she was rejected by people? Not everyone wants to, or are willing to buy pies. Some do, but most people find that her offer (pies) does not meet with their current needs.

Or KFC? Colonel Sanders - have you heard of him? Do you think he's 'bad' as you define it? Most probably not. I doubt you'd think of him as bad. But you know, he was rejected more than any of us were (over 1000 times actually). People said no to his chicken recipe. But he persisted on. Look where he is now 

Those people are not bad. Do you think they are defective people? I doubt it. There is inherently nothing wrong with what they were doing. Actually, it was the people who rejected them that misjudged them. And the whole point of telling you this is that rejection takes two party. It's not necessary your fault.

If it helps, you could also read up on something I happen to have written, but once again, no hard feelings if you reject my offer  Dealing With Rejection


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