# Afraid to move away from home....



## WinterDave (Dec 5, 2003)

Here is the deal, and it's pretty pathetic....Still living at home at age 40....
With my mother and older brother upstairs...It's a high market area, rent for a 2 bedroom apartment is about 1,200+ plus utilities....And I work eves, have the whole downstairs of a split-level house to myself....Have some options, 17 years at the same job, 35K a year which isn't great in Ma., 40K in CDs, 110K in 401K etc...My friend wants to get a place with me, is about in the same boat, have known him since 1st Grade, trustworthy but an extreme manipulator and parasite...It would be kind of like trading my current troubles in for a different type of trouble, plus paying rent....But I am still the same kid that I was 20 or 30 years ago, living at home, with no door to your bedroom, and an over-controlling mother....I will never evolve, or grow life coping skills living at home....Every night that I go to work, my mother comes down and throws stuff out, rearranges things etc. in my own bedroom...She is kind of a control freak and has to have absolute control over everyone and everything that lives in her house, even if I do pay her 350 bucks a month rent.....I have a major drinking problem, problem with SA, depression etc. and am afraid to move away from the house that I have lived in since childhood...Money for rent without a purpose is like throwing the money down a drain...But how much is sanity or maturity worth? I am a screwed up individual and moving out could either be the greatest or worst mistake of my life...To put it honestly, I don't trust myself to live alone...With no safeguards or human contact, I would probably devolve into a piece of furniture or be hanging by a rope....Plus, my lifestyle is not going to change of and in itself no matter where I live....I could pay a bunch of rent, be lonely and depressed, live with an annoying and parasitic person that gets on my nerves but is completely trustworthy, or stay at home in the prison that I live, with no control over my surroundings, always treated like a child etc...No good options here I think.... puzzled, troubled, and depressed....Dave


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## instil (Aug 19, 2005)

im only 24, i moved out for a few years, but im back now at moms until im not so depressed anymore.
I think that if you were to quit drinking, get medication/ therapy, and move out into your own place...youd feel like a new man. You need to experience that freedom that a man needs.
I know ill always feel depressed if i: 
1)stay at home (moms)
2) dont get off the drugs and alcohol

If you just move out but leave everything else in life as it is, youll probably be unhappy, but with your own place. If you make that jump and move out, i really think you owe it to yourself to fix the other wrongs in your life. Just moving out wont help your state of mind... but with those other changes you can make (sobriety, professional help with depression), moving out will make things even better.
Why not try and turn things around... its gonna take a few different changes though to make a difference, not just moving. WHY NOT TRY, at least! 
Im going to try, and im going to do it. No illegal drugs, some legal antidepressants, a job, and the freedom and independence of having my own place again. Dont take that opportunity away from yourself.


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## WinterDave (Dec 5, 2003)

Thanks, I think you are right....It is at least worth a shot....Things are not going right now, so any change could possibly be beneficial....My problems aren't related to my current circumstances, but they are never going to get better under these conditions....Basically, it's leave the nest and fly or fall...But at least I would have the chance to fly....And I am never going to learn responsibility, self-discipline, and life coping skills living at home....They are acquired through experience, not age....I am scared of change, but that is something that a grownup has to endure....It's not like I don't have any options or recourse....I agree that it makes no sense to move if I don't change my lifestyle as well....Your problems move with you....It's a nice house that I live in, but some control over my surroundings, responsibility, and privacy would be nice....If I don't do it now, when? When I am 50? Moving isn't the answer to my problems, but it might be a positive first step....Maybe if I wasn't living in this prison now, where I was treated like a child, I might have a chance to grow...No definites, but at least a chance..Thanks for the response....Dave


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## TruSeeker777 (Nov 9, 2003)

I say go for the move Dave. You would be surprised at how much better you feel about yourself when you take that leap to live on your own. I know this from experience. You may even find that your drinking decreases because you won't have to deal with the pressures and frustrations living at home caused. Just my two cents.


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## instil (Aug 19, 2005)

Yea, being under her control and scrutiny is something youd feel better without. We all need our moms, but you dont need her to run your life. Basically you said it best yourself: "but they are never going to get better under these conditions"
Change one bad thing, life will improve...change another one, and it'll be even better. I plan on salvaging the rest of 2005 and getting an enjoyable life.


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## Western Wall (Nov 19, 2003)

Moving out is scary, but if you haven't, you owe it to yourself to consider it and reconsider it until you push yourself out of the place.

In fact, push yourself out hard on this consideration.

I'm reconsidering moving out and I think I need to or I'll go nuts. But of course, I'm scared. It seems ridiculous to contemplate sometimes, but the thought of it has got to be taken seriously for any adult.

No normal adult likes to be parented beyond a certain age. I say we should all have some self-respect and acknowledge that as we push ourselves out whatever way we can.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I feel the same way. I make more than enough money, it's just the breaking free part. It may have something to do with financial independence and dating. I am putting barricades in front of myself because I still live at home. I would like to start dating, but feel that no woman would want me. 

Anyway, I talked with my psychiatrist and she asked why I was so pushy about moving out. When I explained myself, she said that I am not doing anything wrong by living at home and saving my money at the moment. 

My dad and step-mom really aren't that bad when it comes to the parenting part, which is cool.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

WinterDave said:


> Here is the deal, and it's pretty pathetic....Still living at home at age 40....


You're the only person on SAS that I'm aware of who can beat me on that measure. I'm 32 years & 4 months old, living in the same house since birth. I expect that I'll end up here forever after my mother dies. The home would go to me & my two brother and I assume I'd buy out their share in cash and remain here till I too am dead.

Other people have certainly suggested moving out to me, but I fail to see the point. I have no social life and moving out isn't going to magically change that fact. Having no social life means that mom doesn't get in the way, since it's not like I'm inviting over dozens of people for wild parties & orgies in which a mother would really kill the mood.

I also know that renting doesn't give you privacy. My brother lives three blocks from us in the upper flat of a duplex. He pays rent for the priviledge of not being able to make noise between 10pm & 7am as required by his lease. He can't do laundry in the basement during those times, for example. I just washed a load of towels and a shirt in the middle of the night -- meaning I have more freedom than he does and I'm not paying a cent for this freedom. I can also listen to the TV as loud as I want at 3am and stomp across the floor as I wish, which he can't do in a place that he pays to rent. I thought folks got their own place for privacy & the freedom to do as they wish, yet it looks like I've got a better deal than he does.



WinterDave said:


> My friend wants to get a place with me, is about in the same boat, have known him since 1st Grade, trustworthy but an extreme manipulator and parasite...


That doesn't sound like a great deal. If someone is annoying part time, just imagine having to put up with them 24/7 living with you. My oldest brother has owned a duplex in Madison, WI since 1989 and when he got it he inherited the ideal upper teanant: an old couple that's as quiet as a Church mouse, that pays rent on time, and you know they're never going to trash the place. The husband died, but the little old lady stayed on till she had to go into a nursing home a couple years back. My brother is currently renting to two guys -- one is his handyman/friend and the other is apparently a middle-aged guy that is aquainted with guy #1. The handyman has a serious drinking problem (2 DUIs and he's only 25) plus erratic behavior (like beating his truck with an antique sword in a fit of rage). And the handyman is the good one. My brother is trying to get Randy (loon #2) evicted because he fails to pay rent and is apprently the tenant from hell. Moral of the story: living with others is not good.



WinterDave said:


> with no door to your bedroom


Buy a door & a lock and use them! It would be money well spent. That will keep mom out unless she's into busting down doors. I have a lock on my door, though I'm not sure where the key is. I don't feel any need to use the lock as my mother never goes through my stuff.

You speak of maturity. I'm not sure paying rent buys maturity as it's quite easy to find immature people who live on their own.


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## Syanis (Aug 20, 2005)

I can understand your worries especially about living alone and after so long but it sounds like your very unhappy where you are now. How about this, use the net and find people looking for roommates in your area. I don't know your area but I know alot of areas have people looking for roommates to share an apartment / house. Give it a shot at looking, meet a few of the people and look at the place. Deside if the person you'd be rooming with is the sort of person you wouldn't have a problem with or better yet someone who you would want to be around.

After roommateing for awhile I think you'd feel alot more comfortable managing your own affairs and you could get your own place if you wanted. Doesn't sound like your in financial difficulty or will be soon. Your friend however if thats how you see him is probably not the type of roommate you want.

Best of luck


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