# Getting Better - personal video journal



## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Wagnerian (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks for sharing! It takes guts. Look forward to hearing more.....wish I had the kind of mind that could handle meditation :\


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## Dan Q (Aug 9, 2014)

It's so good to hear someone talking about this who really knows what he's talking about. Who _gets_ it. I can relate to almost everything you said, apart from the drug addiction part I guess.

"Normal" people can never understand how difficult it often is to do even the most menial tasks. Getting out of bed in the morning, taking a shower, making food for yourself, going to the grocery store. Not only I have to do it today, but I will have to be doing it for the rest of my life. Such a drudgery.

"It almost feels good to not be doing good for yourself", this makes so much sense it almost frightens me. I wonder which part of me is enjoying this victim mentality thinking. Almost like I sometimes don't even want to get better. Like I don't deserve to get better. I also think it could be because it gives me identity. I know who I am. This is me and my depression, we've been together for such a long time. Without it, I have no idea who I am. And that can be really scary.

I know physical exercise is key, meditation is key, having proper sleep patterns is key. When I had been doing it, it helped me so much. But I'm rarely doing it these days. I _know_ I should be doing it, but I'm just not. It's a downward spiral.

Anyway, good luck with your 100 days challenge, man, I'm already looking forward to see more of your videos!


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

You're a very good speaker! The 'fidgeting' was fine ..... better than not moving at all.

I have had that strongly apathetic depression so I know what you're talking about. I don't tell people about dropping a book off my lap and being unable to pick it up; eating food out of the can because I haven't got the energy to heat it up never mind cook anything from scratch, etc etc. If you haven't experienced it it's impossible to understand.

Your weed addiction sounds awful, I wish you the strength to keep off it.

I'm getting very close(lol!) to structuring a plan of action for myself, after many years of inaction. E.F.T. will be the central theme. So in this frame of mind I'll be rootin' for ya and looking forward to more of your blogs.


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Credit for posting these sir  - more balls than me for sure.

You speak well on camera btw, if you hadn't mentioned anxiety I wouldn't have noticed.

Yeh the apathy thing is a tricky one for sure. To be honest in my own case I don't know how much of it is the kind of thing you describe, or fear (from my anxieties) about failing / being judged etc. Watching your video and your description I think I tend towards the latter more than the former. I def understand the apathy though and the difficulties in explaining it to others (when they just see 'lazy') 

I too do weight training  - it is the one area of my life I have complete control over. Don't have to prove yourself to others or jump through social hoops to get results, its just raw effort over time -> results (and the mood boost doesn't harm either )

Interesting to hear your views on this place


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## hmweasley (Sep 12, 2013)

This is really awesome. I started making Youtube videos several years ago almost entirely because I thought it would be good for my social anxiety, and I really do think it helped in a lot of ways. Mine aren't really diaries though. They're just about whatever. I think just talking to a camera and then putting it out to the world was very helpful.


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Yes, I dig the hair.
You are a success story waiting to happen, Gamaur.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

This is an awesome thread! Great videos.

I may have to start video journals once I have enough courage to


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Gamaur said:


> *Journal Entry #2*
> 
> *'Dealing with Anxiety'*


I think you're right about the younger ones here at S.A.S.. It's their age and lack of experience that makes them anxious. If they just keep pushing themselves a bit more, a bit more, they will gradually overcome their anxiety to a large extent.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

BOUNDARIES - keep the bad out and allow the good to come in.

....and about the exercise, yep - start light. I haven't run in a week due to a very bad cold that I have been using OTC meds to force to "speed up" the cold. It's taken a lot out of me including my food intake. 

Obviously I won't be able to run 10km like normal. Just getting more than one run in this week will be a success.

....and wearing shorts in early September (early March for us Northerners)?! Is it that warm already?


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Draconis (Jul 24, 2014)

So , when are the vids about Narcissists coming? What about some Schizoid? You can throw in some Asperger's too. 
Other wise...good for you.


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Gamaur said:


> Well seeing as this is a personal video journal about me getting better, and not about other topics such as those you and me have discussed, if I did do anything like that it would be part of something different.
> 
> Chat soon, hope you're well


Hi Gamaur,

I have to point something that I found interesting with your very first video in the first post. If you look very closely in the first two seconds when the video fades in, you look like you are hopping in your chair and have the beginning of a smile on your face before you say first word. For some reason, I thought that was neat. I just wanted to point that out.

Just a reminder for those who post in this thread - personal attacks are forum violations, so please keep it on the topic and not on the person. Thanks!


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello again, Garry. I have a couple of questions: how did you lose the weight? 6sts in 6mths is a lot!

Second question(and I'm obviously not expecting you to give details), how did you get over/solve/accept your black depression? Because in my experience, if you don't do something about the cause of it then you have to stay on antidepressants forever to block it out. The only way off antidepressants is by addressing the cause of the problem.

Another thing I noticed in one of the videos: you said that you had 'got over' the black depression but then a little further on you said that it was still there as a sort of 'under current'. I think this is something that the medical people(and friends and family), just can't grasp ..... that sometimes depression comes from such a deep, dark place that one will never be completely free of it.


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Draconis (Jul 24, 2014)

Gamaur said:


> Thanks MM, but @Draconis isn't referring to me with her comment, rather separate topics that her and I have discussed in private. It's not like she's calling me a schizoid or anything, though perhaps that wouldn't be too far off the mark :lol


Missed opportunity :b


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Gamaur said:


> Thanks MM, but @*Draconis* isn't referring to me with her comment, rather separate topics that her and I have discussed in private. It's not like she's calling me a schizoid or anything, though perhaps that wouldn't be too far off the mark :lol


Nope - you're not a schizoid. :no



Draconis said:


> Missed opportunity :b


Well, just be nice to him. He has SA just like everybody else here.


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello? Hello? ....... oh no! did you actually DIE at the gym?


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

Interesting video. I enjoyed it. Some good ideas. What is the preferred end goal?


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

Dre12 said:


> Interesting video. I enjoyed it. Some good ideas. What is the preferred end goal?


Cheers man 

End goal is a tricky thing to answer, like anything that grows organically there's an element of unpredictability. I want to be able to function normally, to have put on a good 10kg of bodyweight, to feel fitter, happier and more energetic, and to feel a greater sense of focus and direction. The extent to which I feel some of these things is an open question, but so long as it's enough to qualify as healthy I'll be happy


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

I look forward to your videos ..... I re-joined YouTube just so I could subscribe! :lol (And what a performance that was too!)

I'm stuck at the planning stage with my self-improvement regime. There's a lot of practical stuff I have to deal with at the moment. I haven't got a webcam so I won't be making a video-diary.

Regarding the video about drug addiction, and again I will understand if you don't want to answer this: do you blame your parents for getting you started on drugs early? How do you feel about that? Your recent experience sounds awful. 

For my next question I realise that what I am expressing is my feeling about your new routine rather than a criticism of you: do you think you have an addictive personality and is this new routine(which seems very regimented to me), another addiction ...... albeit a healthier one?

When you walk and listen to a book, I wonder why you don't just walk? :blank

I hope this comment doesn't sound critical because that isn't the spirit it was typed in!

Your hair looks great. Please smile more


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

Gamaur said:


> Cheers man
> 
> End goal is a tricky thing to answer, like anything that grows organically there's an element of unpredictability. I want to be able to function normally, to have put on a good 10kg of bodyweight, to feel fitter, happier and more energetic, and to feel a greater sense of focus and direction. The extent to which I feel some of these things is an open question, but so long as it's enough to qualify as healthy I'll be happy


I think that I need to motivate myself to focus on self improvement.

You mentioned in the video that you are spending more time away from the internet and I feel that is something that I need to do. I have been glued to my computer screen for too long now. It is just another form of escapism that consumed in excess stunts you ability to grow.

I am reasonably fit already and I find that working out really helps with my mood and especially my ability to sleep like a baby. I think that a lot of people underestimate how important the functional aspects of our mind and body are to our happiness. It seems to be perceived that depression and anxiety problems are largely chemical and philosophical in nature and that they are most effectively treated with therapy and medication.

I don't really have time to get through your morning routine though. I was up at 6.00am this morning, showered and ate; took the dogs out and then I was in work at 7.20am. I don't really want to get up any earlier than 6.00am.

My problem is that once I get back from work and have worked out. I am goosed. I tend to just get on the internet and vegetate. I feel that I need to get more structure in my life in an attempt to educate myself further and work on playing the guitar more. I also want to get an electronic drum kit as learning the drums is something that I always wanted to do. Modern technology now enables us to do so without causing a rift with the neighbours!

I am usually very cynical about self help BS (I am an Englishman) but I like the practical format of your endeavour. It appeals to me. I just need to devise a plan of my own and stick with it.


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## SouthernTom (Jul 19, 2014)

Gamaur said:


> Sorry guys, this has been paused as I've just been through a significant relapse, which led to a spike in depression and a very close call.
> 
> Will talk more later.


Welcome back! Your words of wisdom have been sorely missed!

Glad to still have you with us mate :yes


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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## Gamaur (Jul 10, 2014)

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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Yay you're back


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