# would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?



## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

i got a girl online which im gonna meet pretty soon she lives 2 hours away from me, shes normal and she knows about my sa i just dont know if i'll be able to manage the whole situation, im just wondering if itd just be easier to look for a girl who has sa too, thats if things dont work with my current girl.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

anybody have any experience? or any thoughts on this?


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## oceanchief (Jan 6, 2007)

I never had a girlfriend with SA before, for some reason most of my previous girlfriends were extroverts which put a huge strain on the relationship. I feel a relationship with a person without SA can work, as long as they understand, ro at least try to understand what SA is and how it can affect somones life.

I'm currently going out with a girl with SA though, and i must say i love the fact that she knows how it is, and what to expect. I don't feel i have to justify my feelings to her, as she shares them.


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## luciano (Jun 3, 2004)

Well I wouldn't rule a person out just cause they have/don't have SA. Which is easier, I don't know. Dating a person who has SA would most likely be more understanding as they know what to expect and are going through the same thing, so it is easy to relate. But dating someone who doesn't might seem scary, but also might help. They could help draw you out and bring you back into the world, it depends on how much patience they have. Thats just my thoughts but have no experience.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

*Re: re: would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?*



luciano said:


> Well I wouldn't rule a person out just cause they have/don't have SA. Which is easier, I don't know. Dating a person who has SA would most likely be more understanding as they know what to expect and are going through the same thing, so it is easy to relate. But dating someone who doesn't might seem scary, but also might help. They could help draw you out and bring you back into the world, it depends on how much patience they have. Thats just my thoughts but have no experience.


 :agree

If they didn't have SA they would at least need to be understanding, which might be a hard thing for most extroverts. If you go on a 3 hour car trip and only talk once, I wouldn't have a problem, but a extrovert would be thinking 'what is wrong'? Then again maybe they would get you to talk for the three hours where dating someone with SA would just be happy not and not bring you out of your shell.


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## Hoppipolla (Apr 11, 2007)

I think it'd be pretty hard to find a girlfriend that's compatible with you and has SA...

If you like her it shouldn't matter.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

i like herrr, but i dont wanna bore her with all my issues, im sure shed have a much better time with someone "normal" thats why i had to ask this, but you guys are right maybe having agirl thats normal can help me open more. im not sure what to do though


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## Jaded_Jester (Sep 16, 2006)

I have had experience with this, I dated and lived with a guy who has SA (the relationship lasted 5 years).

It is very comforting to be with someone who is like you, and understands EVERYTHING that you are going through. (where everyone else doesn't understand or tells you to 'snap out of it', etc - the typical frustrating responses from those without SA).
You have someone to spend time with, maybe the two of you can even summon the courage to go somewhere once in a while. They don't make you feel bad for having SA. You can be yourself and be comfortable being yourself. The first year or two is great.

BUT

It is easy to stay that way. You have a partner now - who needs to change? After all, isn't having a partner supposed to make you happy and appear normal? Slowly you stop going places, it happens so gradually that you don't even notice it. It's just like before you met this partner: work, come home, hang out with a friend, if you have one/any. Your SA is still as strong as ever, still making you feel the same as ever. But you are now living with someone who is just like you: depressed, anxious, fearful of new experiences and new people. Your partner justifies all of your thoughts and emotions - it's not you (or us), it's EVERYONE else who is the problem. You fall further into SA - now it's bigger than life because you are with someone who keeps you down and doesn't want you to change at all.
Any attempts by you to better yourself and change (because nobody WANTS to have SA) will result in your partner doing things to keep you insecure and stuck. Enter the friction: you want to beat this thing and your partner doesn't. They will become terrified that you will get better and leave them (you all know the powers of SA warping your mind and thinking).

Of course this is just my experiece with a partner who has SA as bad as I do, and it won't be the same for any of you. (to be fair to myself, i didn't know at the time that SA was my problem. i knew there was something wrong/different about me but what is it?)

***Be wary of dating someone who has SA and has *NO DESIRE *to change.***

As Oceanchief said: you need a partner who understands and supports you - whether or not either of you has SA.


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## korendir (Jul 6, 2007)

I second what Jaded_Jester is saying, Co-dependent relationships don't normally work because you need someone who DOES'NT put up with your sh*t, not someone who does or encourages your "bad habits". People in wheelchairs don't go around looking for other people in wheelchairs to date because their afraid that people who can walk won't like them, that's just bloody ridiculous; the obvious difference being of course, that you can "walk" again if you choose to.

The other thing to remember is that sometimes relationships work out or don't because your different types of people, wearing your SA like a badge and then asking people to accept you "despite" it would be like a person dying of Cancer walking around with a billboard hanging off their neck looking for sympathy - typically people with cancer IMO would want to be treated as "normal" people so they could enjoy the rest of their lives - not wallow in self pity.

p.s - don't forget the quotation marks you put around the word "normal", they happen to be very important.


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## roseyred (May 20, 2007)

:agree with Jaded_Jester & korendir. It sounds like a great match to find someone like yourself whom you can work with. I want to change and would prefer someone who also wants to change. I would find it difficult if I was alone on that point. Of the fear that your partner will progress faster than you and then move on...Well as time goes on I am learning it's better to be sorry than safe.


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## Aron James (Jun 16, 2007)

Being open, honest, comfortable with the person with how you feel right now is the heart jewel of all relationships.

Everything is changing within both partners. Within the space of that relationship there can be such magical experiences. It of course depends on the paramiters you wish to stay within that relationship but these need to be clear to both partners as confidence, trust, love and respect can grow.

In this context, it does not matter if your partner has SA, or you have SA or any other mental illness. What matters is that you lay how you feel on the table, bring it to light, not hide it in darkness - for this only creates a fantasy reality in which you become unhelpable. This does take skillfulness and courage on your part as it's not easy at first to open to others with your darkest secrets, especially SA, as it can be embarassing when vulnerable to what someone else thinks - the killer concept of SA.

You wouldn't necessarily find it any easier with someone with SA, you'd have good opportunity to grow. But what you need to realise deeply is that social anxiety and it's tributary states of mind serve to keep you seperated from other people, within your own mind, creating mental barriers from your side. The way to really go for it is to be open with how you feel, bring it to light in the trust of another. When you do this you gain space from your anxiety so it ceases to be a big problem, so then it doesnt matter so much.

Into the open space, the barrier disappears, in the presence of the naked truth anxiety does not exist. 

Aron


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

thank you so much, yuou guys sound like true experts


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## Speak Easy (Jun 27, 2006)

I think it could go both ways. Yes, it could be easier, but at the same time, it may not be for the best (but it also could!). Two shy people going out may motivate each other to go out and socialize, or they may just stay with each other and never go out, and think that's ok. And maybe that is ok. Maybe they are happy. But is that healthy? Maybe it is. It's a very personal question, with very personal and different answers.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

i think id be ok with having an sa girl and just stay with each other and never go out, at least you can be happy if you got someone you can do everything with whyd you need everyone else. but yea it could be unhealthy


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## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

*Re: re: would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?*



Speak Easy said:


> I think it could go both ways. Yes, it could be easier, but at the same time, it may not be for the best (but it also could!). Two shy people going out may motivate each other to go out and socialize, or they may just stay with each other and never go out, and think that's ok. And maybe that is ok. Maybe they are happy. But is that healthy? Maybe it is. It's a very personal question, with very personal and different answers.


 :agree I've been on both sides of that coin, having an extroverted b/f, who dragged me out every time we got together (no such thing as staying in) and shy, introverted, SA b/f who was a homebody. For me, being with a shy, retiring type is better for me. Even when my anxiety was in check, I was never one that liked to be out all the time.



will666 said:


> i got a girl online which im gonna meet pretty soon she lives 2 hours away from me, shes normal and she knows about my sa i just dont know if i'll be able to manage the whole situation, im just wondering if itd just be easier to look for a girl who has sa too, thats if things dont work with my current girl.


I wouldn't write off anyone just because they don't have SA. There are people that are understanding of it and willing to help you and not see you as a freak. I would give it a chance and see where it takes you. You'll never know unless you try.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

Speak Easy said:


> I think it could go both ways. Yes, it could be easier, but at the same time, it may not be for the best (but it also could!). Two shy people going out may motivate each other to go out and socialize, or they may just stay with each other and never go out, and think that's ok. And maybe that is ok. Maybe they are happy. But is that healthy? Maybe it is. It's a very personal question, with very personal and different answers.





will666 said:


> i think id be ok with having an sa girl and just stay with each other and never go out, at least you can be happy if you got someone you can do everything with whyd you need everyone else. but yea it could be unhealthy


I think you two would practice and get better at communicating, even if you don't go out. As you have more and more good experiences, you would feel better and more confident that if you talk to someone else they might respond in the same way your gf/bf has.

And if you are in a good relationship, I would think that your depression would decrease.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Having a SA girl would be comforting, for we could sit at home and dance in the privacy of our own head spaces, but I think it could turn unhealthy. 

Soooo I personally want a outgoing girl who is nonjudgmental and understands my anxiety, but pushes and protects me at the same time. 

But then again, maybe a SA girl would be better in the sack. I'll have to enquire with the local Brazilians.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

I think the question I would like to know the answer to is, would it be easier to get over SA if you were dating a supportive person with SA or a person who is outgoing but doesn't always understand what the problem is?


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## pussycatdolls (Apr 24, 2007)

I think if you are 2 people with SA that would like to improve together than it can be very postive. If you are both content just being alone with eachother then I can see where it grows into a problem.


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## SilentProphet (Jun 1, 2007)

Meeting a girl with SA is my only hope. NO way i could deal with a normal GF who always wants to go out and be taking places like the mall, movies, restaurants. I don't know how you fellow SAers do it, especially the married ones :con


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

*Re: re: would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?*

I'd prefer a girlfriend with SA, simply because they would understand my problems. I have a hard time believing that most people without SA would understand someone that gets weirded out so badly around other people. The last thing I need is someone that gets frustrated because I have a hard time calling to make dinner reservations, or crap like that.

I certainly wouldn't want to sit around the house 24/7, though... my goal is to have some semblance of a normal life some day. Two people sitting around the house together all the time are going to be at each other's throats no matter what. It would be best to meet someone that also wants to change-- ideally, we'd both help each other and be understanding if things didn't go well.

:sigh


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## SilentProphet (Jun 1, 2007)

Good point! as long as the other person has SA then i woudlnt mind going on adventures with her to the mall and stuff, knowing we would both feel umcomfortable. I'm just wondering how say a person with SA deals with a significant other NOT having SA? Just force yourself to deal with it?


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## Speak Easy (Jun 27, 2006)

*Re: re: would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?*



Mayfly said:


> I feel, personally, that I need someone who is sociable, to kind of force me into situations I would not normally get myself into (going for a drink maybe) and enable me to recover, and be normal.


 :agree

If you have someone who is forcing you into exposure, it's even better! Because, now, you even have someone there to help you. So, it's not like you're just exposing yourself alone, but you have someone to be with and talk to if other socializing goes wrong. Like I said, though, it can go both ways. It really depends on how severe the anxiety is, too, because if someone has really bad anxiety, and the other person has somewhat severe anxiety, then the person with really bad anxiety could bring the other person down. For instance, one may say, "Let's go to the movies", and the other may say, "No, let's just rent a movie and stay home". And if the other agrees, then he/she is alienating him/herself even more from society, and in turn, worsening his/her anxiety.


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## Whimsy (Mar 16, 2006)

No way, we would bored each other to death. I need a balance and someone whose personality can take me out of my shell more. I'm quiet but with friends I'm not anxious. Anyway it would be unhealthy and I would feel like I wouldn't be able to grow away from this.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

*Re: re: would having a sa boyfriend/girlfriend be easier?*



SilentProphet said:


> Good point! as long as the other person has SA then i woudlnt mind going on adventures with her to the mall and stuff, knowing we would both feel umcomfortable. I'm just wondering how say a person with SA deals with a significant other NOT having SA? Just force yourself to deal with it?


i think we are in the same boat. a normal girl would probably get bored with me, or maybe it really depends on the girl, etc


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## Mayflower 2000 (Nov 11, 2003)

It's different for everyone. Personally, SA or not, I'd rather not be with someone pressuring me to socialize much more than I wanted. I'm happy with my life the way it is, and I'd rather not feel like I have to change to be something I don't want to be. But the question of being with a partner with SA or not being easier, really depends on the individual... its just too variable one person to another.


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## opivy22 (Mar 1, 2005)

I'll agree with several others here and say it just holds you back. When my SA was still in full rage (thankfully I'm virtually over it now) I was dating a girl that had GAD. It was great for about the first year and a quarter, but towards the end I made some life changes that allowed me to begin to grow as a person. When I started developing more as a person and she remained the same things began to change for the worse. I still call her every few months and her life is exactly the same as when we met. It still hurts that I broke her heart, but I couldn't continue seeing someone that wasn't growing as a person while I was.

So the point of that is a good relationship is one in which you both grow as people. If you can find another person that has anxiety and understands you *and* is able to grow as a person with you, then best of luck! But beware of staying in any relationship in which you are held back or stagnating.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

I would like a girlfriend with at least some level of SA, or even other issues that would allow her to understand what I go through. If I could find somebody like that, I think we would have a very open relationship and we would help each other improve our situations.


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## SilentProphet (Jun 1, 2007)

Well said PGVAN. :yes


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

I think it depends on how understanding the person is not whether or not they have SA, though someone with SA is more inclined to be understanding of it, until they start to change as a person though and their partner doesn't, then it seems like all their understanding just goes out the window.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

LoneLioness said:


> I think it depends on how understanding the person is not whether or not they have SA...


 :agree The last thing I need is some women who's totally clueless about SA pushing me to do all sorts of things I hate and then getting mad at me because I simply can't. I know I couldn't satisfy the needs of some exceptionally outgoing party girl. But I wouldn't mind a girl who's more social than me who I could tag along with on social things -- I'd feel much more comfortable trying new things if I wasn't doing so all alone, but she'd have to understand that I have limitations and that I can't do everything even if I want to.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

I dated a guy with SA once, it didn't work out--but we're still friends. So I guess it depends on the person. I would like to find somebody, guy or girl, with SA, to date though... but someone who's more like ME. This guy was too jealous and possessive of me...I can understand that sometimes but he had nothing to be jealous about & he knew I had SA too...I didn't worry about him doing anything cause I trusted him because of his SA/problems. :stu I find that it's hard to trust most "normal"/outgoing people. I hate normal people more & more every day.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

i think ive learned something from this topic. it all varies from person to person, what matters is to have things in common with the person you are intended to date AND your most lucky if you find someone you have things in common with, get along with, and have sa.


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## luciano (Jun 3, 2004)

well said will. Funny thing how its the same thing "normal" people are looking for too, weird.


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## will666 (Mar 27, 2007)

indeed! haha


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