# Protip: Two Simple Rules that Worked for My Social Anxiety



## schen5 (Apr 27, 2014)

I will share with you today a method that seemed to work at lowering my social anxiety. Yesterday, I changed my perspective of the world.

What I realized? Most people and most situations have nothing to do with you. Now obviously I knew this mentally, but to make it stick in my head and in my actions, I followed this simple rule:

Don't speak unless spoken to, and don't initiate conversation unless you genuinely feel it will be worthwhile. Note that this does not mean start conversation when you are not afraid. Fear is good. If you experience fear in a social situation, this means you are challenging yourself to improve. And often times even in the best of conversations, I start out anxious. By worthwhile I mean, get in a calm state of mind, and evaluate the situation: are you really interested in what this person will have to say or do you have a conversation starter that is not egocentric?

The first part is the most important: don't speak unless spoken to. I realize that a major problem we have with social anxiety is feeling that every situation around us, no matter how small or unrelated to us, somehow involves us in a negative way. Get rid of that mindset. Stop being a detective. Focus only on situations and people around you that are directed AT you. In my darker days I used to butt into conversations because I felt those people around me having conversations were judging me for being quiet. Don't do this. Only enter a conversation if you have something relevant to say (back to my second rule), or if someone talks to you directly.

More often than not, if you remain silent yet you listen in on the conversation (which is perfectly fine-- I feel it works well for me to be aware of the world around me and also to observe how to carry on a good conversation)--people will find you interesting and will talk to you because they think you might have something interesting to say. On the other hand, if you open your mouth impulsively and say something irrelevant or random, they will probably just ignore it and you for the rest of the conversation (and you yourself will feel bad).

Most people with social anxiety (including me) are TOO responsive to events and situations. And thats a good thing, in some situations. We will always feel more intensely, good and bad, for the rest of our lives. However, these rules are a way to tone down the noise-- turn it into background noise. When you are less responsive, you will notice that events and situations become more responsive to YOU, in turn. When I talk with people sometimes I am so concerned with how I appear to them that I drive the conversation in circles while the other person stands by and watches in confusion. The more responsive you are, the less responsive others are to you. See the paradox? That's why it is self-defeating. 
(As a side note, I do not advise drinking alcohol as a solution to make oneself less responsive--when you do this, you lose some of the enjoyment of life--and it becomes less real. While it allows me to live in the moment, it also dilutes the feeling of that moment, defeating the whole purpose.)

Most of the time, we are walking false alarms--we interpret everything we see as negatively reflecting of us, when most things (99.99999%) have absolutely no relation to us. And then we force ourselves into some of those situations feeling this projected negative image we want to fix, and only then do we become an unwanted presence. Keep in mind I am not discouraging entering social situations of which you are not a part of. Only that you cannot enter with the mindset of trying to fix other people's perceptions of you.

This made me realize another key fact-- do you know why social anxiety is as debilitating as it is? Why nobody seems to notice our "good intentions" deep down? Because, unlike everyone else, our default state is to look under the surface-- we assume and infer the inner personality traits and motivations of others with limited information, and THEN frame their behaviours with these traits. Most of the time, what we assume is wrong.

*For most people, their default state is to look at the surface-- how is this person behaving? What does this tell me about them? They first observe the behaviour of others, then infer the inner personality traits/motivations of others from this. They aren't sensitive to inner personality traits. They look at what you DO and how you ACT, then come to the conclusion they have no opinion of you whatsoever, thus do not find you interesting. 
*
Now, for that story I promised.

Well its quite short but just to say these are the methods I used yesterday. I felt like a different person at work. Usually I am very passive and easily bossed around/manipulated by others--and worked like a mule! However, this gave me the courage to finally stand up for myself. I don't take **** from people anymore because I stop assuming they are scrutinizing me. I stop worrying a million times whether I did the job right--I simply try to the best of my ability (without stressing) and then if the managers have a problem, they can come talk to me :yes otherwise, I shouldn't assume they disapprove of me.

And if they make an unreasonable demand, well, they will encounter resistance from me. Not saying to be an ***, but stand your ground, assess the situation. Stop being hyper responsive/vigilant to the demands of others, *otherwise if you are at their every beck and call, they will notice this and take advantage of you* (often times this happens subconsciously or unintentionally, even if they are a nice guy!) Seriously though, I consider myself a nice guy (sometimes to the point of being a doormat), and looking back there have been some situations where I unintentionally took advantage of other people who were extremely passive (to the point where they did not assert any boundaries).

if they REALLY need you, they will call you, again and again. If you stop responding to every single call, they may stop and check if you are on your break, if you are overworked/tired, etc. If your first instinct is to run over there and mend all the boo boo's, they will assume you have nothing better to do and are glad to be there.

Also another factor to this is, don't try to rationalize everything you do, unless you are asked to. It is a bad habit of mine to rationalize every task that I do to my manager when he checks my work, thinking that otherwise, he would disapprove. Use the rule: Don't speak unless spoken to.

I also frequently clean up the messes of others, thinking my manager will blame me mistakenly or disapprove that I only clean up MY messes. To that I say, Rule #1. If he disapproves, then he will say something to you. If not, then you do not have to do anything-- he did not make it clear what he wants you to do.

*All in all, I was a huge workaholic, not because of the money (this is a minimum wage, part time job as I am a student), not because I really enjoyed being overworked (who does?), but because I was afraid of the consequences if I didn't work as hard as I did, because of my assumptions about the situation rather than direct feedback. *

*As you can see, these rules apply to many aspects of life. How you deal with other human beings is a critical part of functioning in our society and being happy.*

Using these rules, I was a much less responsive person yesterday. Guess what? I noticed clear differences in how people talk to me-- they tended to speak more, be more expressive and friendly, and respect me more. *And since I stopped being hyper responsive, I found that people would want to start conversations with ME, instead of it always being the other way around.* At work, I sat in a place I wouldn't normally sit, with a couple of guys there, and I was just sitting there quietly, observing the conversation, and they started talking to me. I was careful to only speak when I had something interesting to say, or if someone said something to me directly. We really hit it off, and I think this may be the first time I got along with people who weren't socially awkward, or doormats.

I apologize for the length of this post, so as a consolation I have cliffs down below 

CLIFFS:
2 Simple Rules:
1. Don't speak unless spoken to
AND
2. Don't initiate conversation unless you genuinely feel it will be worthwhile.

Personal Experience:
Asserted myself at work, made some new friends.


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## Handsome Beast (Jan 3, 2014)

Quite a read but I do see what you're getting at. I try to do this but sometimes I have interjected into a convo (I want to be involved you know) only later to dwell on how dumb and irrelevant to the convo what I said just was. I worry so much about being involved it can backfire like you say. I also don't like to feel I'm being ignored.

Any help on, say, where I worry people are mad at me all the time? Can any of this be applied? I can use all the help I can get.


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## schen5 (Apr 27, 2014)

Thanks for reading this and giving a thoughtful reply, means a lot to me 

And yes I get that all the time too! Thinking everyone around you is somehow mad at you or disapproving. When it happens to me, i try to slow down my thoughts, then apply Rule #1: Respond only to what people say, not what they subjectively "feel" inside. I'll simply feel the anxiety-- and then not respond to it. And tell myself that everyone around me doesn't even notice me, and I will continue to assume I am unnoticed, unless someone says something or acknowledges me. It should feel quite peaceful, when you stop thinking you have to respond to the world--the world responds to you. We construct our reality in our heads, so we tie our subjective experiences into what we see and feel around us. That is why, even as I am typing this paragraph right now, I am thinking about how you will react and scrutinize my every word, then explain to me why what I'm saying is stupid and condescending. However I know that at the moment I am writing this, you are completely unaware that I am writing a reply at all. If anything, you could be anxiously awaiting a reply thinking that I disapprove of your comment and thus have chosen to ignore you. Or you could be doing/feeling something completely unrelated to this forum post, most likely, but I project my current reality onto my perception of you. Become aware of this habit of your mind. We all do it, but those with SA do it to a much greater extent. Realize that other people's minds exist in a realm entirely outside of your own, which you could not possibly understand or interpret. And the only bridge to that realm is conversation and behaviour. Other people's perceptions are not a part of yourself. A black hole, from which you cannot see anything real. Becoming free of perceiving disapproval from others is a slow process that requires gradual self-realization and separation from the habits of one's mind. This is what has worked for me so far, it is far from perfect and I am far from being cured, but I hope it will help

Best of luck


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## Handsome Beast (Jan 3, 2014)

You're welcome 

What you say is how I am. Am I saying this right? Am I doing this right? What if I do it wrong, will someone yell at me? (Another phobia. Thanks dad!) And on and on. I sometimes get into a negativity feedback loop and I'll hear "I'm stupid, I'm ugly, or People don't like me" over and over all day long. I know it's not rational but that doesn't keep it from happening. I get through it but it's no fun! Other people might not respond to this thread but I want to let you know you have given me something to think about. I told myself this was a year of change and I am trying my best.:yes


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## Eazi (Mar 27, 2013)

some nice points made in this thread, completely agree with op's views on perception.


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## Theory816 (May 23, 2014)

Really great post op. Hope you post up more soon


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## Naz (Mar 31, 2013)

Such a great post! I'm surprised there are barely any responses!

Similarly to your conclusion schen5, I have come to realize that the situation is just a matter of how fast one can think of an interesting relevant response, and not just that; it has to be said at the right time. Of course this is easier said than done since scientifically, we introverts have more complicated neural pathways leading to slower responses, but that can be fixed by continuous practice of conversation with others, and having a large database on a variety of subjects. Otherwise, it will be extremely hard to relate to others and come up with any interesting contribution to any conversation, which makes people avoid you, merely because you aren't fun to be around with.

That's why I feel sorry for introverts who aren't informative, or simply those who lack hobbies and passions.


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## Handsome Beast (Jan 3, 2014)

You know Naz I never thought about the introvert thing. But that would describe me pretty close. Something else to research on and think about.


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