# What could you have done differently?



## slyfox

What could you have done differently to be more productive with your goals? How did you waste time recently that could've gone towards achieving your goals? or are there other ways you've recently sabotaged yourself? 

.........................

I thought of this topic last night when I was thinking about how it seems like I'll never achieve working 12 hours in a day on my goals. I know that is a lot, but I want to be able to potentially do that if it becomes necessary to succeed at being self-employed. I can't even get in a 6 hour day most times which should be easy considering I'm unemployed. 

The 6 hours I wasted last night on the internet contributed to my failing yesterday's goal of 3 hours of productivity. The 5 hours I spent this morning on youtube and other websites, isn't going to be helping things today either.

Hope we can all learn to not repeat our mistakes. Now I'm off to hopefully get some stuff done.


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## slyfox

Spending over an hour on SAS after I said I was going to get to work. Well onto working on stuff for real this time


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## slyfox

Yesterday, morning I spent 7 hours straight on the internet. Later in the day ended up not getting my 3 hours in of working on stuff. Could've spent my time more wisely


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## Fox93

I hear what you're saying @slyfox. It seems that I rarely accomplish all of the things that I want to get done each day. What kind of goals do you have? I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, my days fluctuated quite a bit in terms of productivity. Since July, I've been working at CVS, and while the job itself has been going decently, it's only become harder to focus on other areas of my life.


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## slyfox

Fox93 said:


> I hear what you're saying @*slyfox* . It seems that I rarely accomplish all of the things that I want to get done each day. What kind of goals do you have? I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, my days fluctuated quite a bit in terms of productivity. Since July, I've been working at CVS, and while the job itself has been going decently, it's only become harder to focus on other areas of my life.


 @*Fox93*

I've been mostly wanting to become self-employed. I've been wanting to sell arts and crafts but I might have to consider other options.

Yeah it can be really hard to have energy to work on other things while you are working. Know I have little energy to do things now. Not sure how I would manage if I returned to work. As weird as it seems, I seem to get less done now than when I was working.

Good luck with your job. You haven't had it very long, so maybe as time passes and you get used to the routine you'll get some energy back to work on other areas of your life.


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## shyguy07

I spend too much time on line in the evenings. I too am tired when I get home from work. I've been working almost 3-1/2 years and still can't do much when I get home. I think it was actually better when I first started working than now. But now at least I go to the gym twice a week after work.


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## Grog

slyfox said:


> What could you have done differently to be more productive with your goals? How did you waste time recently that could've gone towards achieving your goals? or are there other ways you've recently sabotaged yourself?
> 
> .........................
> 
> I thought of this topic last night when I was thinking about how it seems like I'll never achieve working 12 hours in a day on my goals. I know that is a lot, but I want to be able to potentially do that if it becomes necessary to succeed at being self-employed. I can't even get in a 6 hour day most times which should be easy considering I'm unemployed.
> 
> The 6 hours I wasted last night on the internet contributed to my failing yesterday's goal of 3 hours of productivity. The 5 hours I spent this morning on youtube and other websites, isn't going to be helping things today either.
> 
> Hope we can all learn to not repeat our mistakes. Now I'm off to hopefully get some stuff done.


Being self employed involves a whole lot of time on a computer so instead of doing invoicing , quotes , tax , buisness plans , advertising , budgets etc etc you spent the same amount of time doing other computer things so I'd call that as part of the day .


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## ScorchedEarth

Nothing. Everything I and everyone else has ever done happened because of preceding circumstances. It couldn't have gone any other way since there was no randomness involved.


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## slyfox

Yesterday got off to a bad start. Instead of just doing what I could, I chose to give up and wait until today

@*Grog* I just need to convert all that computer time to actual work on the computer and I'll be set


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## footnote

slyfox said:


> Yesterday got to a bad start. Instead of just doing what I could, I chose to give up and wait until today
> 
> @*Grog* I just need to convert all that computer time to actual work on the computer and I'll be set


Yeah, I'm the same. If I feel anxious in the morning about school I end up skipping it, even though I've talked it through with myself and know that it's smarter to go because I'll be less stressed about the next time. It's always frustrating to look back on what an idiot you've been :no


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## Fox93

@slyfox - Do you mind me asking how long you've been unemployed and what your last job was?


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## slyfox

@Fox93 my last job was working in a warehouse and delivering auto parts. I've been unemployed since May of 2013 I believe.

Wasted most of today again. Might see if I can get some stuff done before midnight


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## Fox93

@slyfox - So why did you leave? And what kind of living situation do you have going on now? Sorry for all personal the questions - I'm trying to figure a lot of things out in my life right now, so I'm just curious to learn about the paths that others have taken.


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## slyfox

I left because of back problems and a lot of psychological issues. Not sure if I should've pursued something with my back, but I would've had trouble confronting my supervisors while having anxiety problems.


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## Fox93

@slyfox Sorry to hear about that. Was it an injury caused by the job? Are you living with your parents now, or are you receiving some sort of disability payments?


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## slyfox

I've been told I have a herniated disk in my back but the doctors seem to think it is mostly muscle pain. I think my work contributed for sure because I often had to carry a lot of rotors and car batteries.

Not on disability, but I've been pursuing it because my parents understandably have been pushing me on it. I live with my girlfriend. I have paid my share through my savings, debt, and aide from my parents. Feel really guilty/depressed about my parents helping and that I shouldn't have an excuse for working less than 6-12 hours a day on fixing things while they are helping. Might have to get my time up gradually because I'm doing so bad at doing that much right away.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - That sounds like a difficult situation. 

I've read through your _Monthly goals!_ thread. How long have you been into stone carving? And have you made any actual attempts yet at selling your crafts online?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

I started wood carving in 2010. I did wood burning quite awhile before wood carving. Not sure when I switched my interest to stone carving, but it was at least 3 years ago. Now that I think about it I got a lot more done when I was working with wood. I tried selling a few wood carvings but only managed to sell one at a ridiculously low price.

When I actually work on things, I spend most of my time drawing because I figure it will help me with other areas.


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## Fox93

@slyfox How did you first get started doing crafts (in general)? Is that something you were into during school?

What's holding you back on putting some of these up for sale? Do you just feel like you aren't ready yet? I saw your picture from about a year ago of the stone carved faces (with the quarter between them). Do you have any more recent photos that you could share?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

I was into drawing since I was a little kid. I probably took a interest in other crafts around high school. Wood burning was one of my first, but that is basically drawing with a burning pen. I like experimenting with new ways to make things. I've played around with so many things that I haven't stuck with(tile mosaics, leatherworking, basket weaving, etc).

With drawing I feel I'm not ready for sure. Way too much competition who are much more skilled and my work isn't consistent at my skill level. I probably could sell some sort of craft as I improve at it though. Despite acting like stone carving is my thing, I have to admit I've done very little of it considering how much time I've had. Since that pic I've worked on another stone face, an abstract pendant, started a heart pendant, hand polished a few stones(don't own a rock tumbler), and just collected more stones for carving. Wouldn't be surprised if I have hundreds of stones sitting around for every stone I've actually carved :crying:

Only really have pics somewhere for the abstract pendant and a polished Petoskey stone. The abstract pendant looked fine in normal light but the camera flash revealed I had really screwed up drilling the hole

Lately, I've been trying to get into soldering and repousse/chasing(embossing) metal. I really need to stick with stuff.

You are sure curious :b Sorry if I typed too much. Thanks for the interest. What are some things you'd like to accomplish?


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## slyfox

Wasted a lot of time this morning. Hoping to still get 3 hours of work in today


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## Fox93

@slyfox - How long does it generally take you to do a carving?

There are *SO* many things that I'd like to get done, haha. Realistically though, a "productive" day for me generally consists of little more than trying to follow politics/world events and maybe working on a Wikipedia article. Reading was a favorite hobby of mine as a kid, and one of my biggest frustrations is that, upon entering adolescence, my attention span for books pretty much flew out the window. Since finishing high school, I've done a better job of focusing _while_ actually reading, but picking up a book in the first place is still a challenge. I love fiction and want to catch up on all the great stories that I've been missing out on this past decade, but I also want to read about non-fiction topics, especially history.

In addition to trying to study history and politics, there are lots of things that I want to learn about or how to do. I've always wanted to write stories of my own, but have never really followed through with that at all. And like I mentioned in my PM, I'd love to learn how to draw. I've also been meaning to teach myself some piano and guitar (I took lessons in both when I was younger, but am only at a basic beginner's level with each).

Ideally, I would be getting out of my house semi-regularly, going to those community art galleries that I mentioned (also in the PM), as well as concerts, plays, and other types of performances or events - yet I haven't done anything like this in several months.

On top of all of that, I've typically been working close to 30 hrs. a week since starting at CVS. I desperately want to finish a degree in _something_ at _some_ point, but have only been doing community college on-and-off, and I'm not enrolled in any classes for the current semester (although I might see if there are any online classes starting later in the Fall). And then of course, there are basic house chores to attend to. Plus, I have two dogs that need lots of attention.

It's tough to keep up with everything, and so yeah, I'll often just write stuff on Wikipedia - a hobby that I enjoy, but have been trying to break from, as it takes up so much time. In addition to SA, I've struggled with depression for much of my life. And so even though I have lots of ambition, it seems as though I never get anything done.

There are goals of mine from over a decade ago that are still sitting on my to-do list.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* I can relate on having a ton of things I want to do. Really sucks that there doesn't seem to be enough time to dedicate to everything. I was reading a ton of fiction for awhile, but haven't read much in recent years. I keep acting like I'm too busy with my goals, even though I end up not working on them anyway :doh

Good luck with going back to college. That does sound tough managing college with close to full-time work hours. When I went to college, I was lucky in that I got my employer to let me work one day a week. I still found that hard with my poor time management skills though. It can be depressing when you hear of people who work full-time and go to college full-time with seemingly few problems. Some people must just be really great with their time management.

That sounds cool on working on Wikipedia. I don't have enough confidence in my skill to contribute anything on there. What kinds of articles do you work on, if you don't mind me asking?

A small stone carving like a face probably 3-6 hours but some of that might be from not using the best tools. Like the most recent face I was working on in granite I was using hand diamond files. I have a dremel with a flex-shaft and diamond burs but I have a problem with not being in the mood to get it setup and worrying about breaking power tools. While hard on the hands hand filing is nice in that I can watch youtubes or something while I do it. I just need to have a cup of water to keep wetting the stone because stone dust is unhealthy.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - Good luck on getting some more carving done soon! Post a picture once you've finished something, okay? I want to see it, even if it doesn't come out perfectly. 

Do you have any other hobbies?

The Wikipedia articles are mostly movie related. Once the complexities of adolescence started setting in, and I stopped reading books for fun, most of my time was piddled away reading internet message boards on sites like IMDB. Then around 10th grade, I resolved to find a more "productive" hobby. I really wanted to make movies of my own and did shoot a few things. But mostly, I just moved from reading and writing about movies on message boards to doing the same on Wikipedia. It wasn't the best path that I could have chosen, but I guess that I could have gone with something worse.

You're right about there just not being enough time in the days to get everything done. Even if I was super motivated and two or three times more productive than normal, I still probably wouldn't be able to accomplish everything that I set my aim on. I remember reading an article awhile back about prioritizing one's goals. It talked about how if someone is really accomplished in certain areas, they probably had to make sacrifices in some of their other interests. Hence why, even though Wikipedia has been a fun (and in some respects even fulfilling) hobby, I'm trying to cut back on the amount of time that I spend there. I'd much rather be _watching_ more movies and maybe reading some biographies of various filmmakers, than just spending lots and lots of time chronicling a single film in depth.

And that's actually another goal that I have, but didn't get into, because it sounded too pathetic. :bah I want to watch more movies, haha. I'd consider myself something of a cinephile, but there are _quite a few_ titles that any movie lover should have seen, that I still haven't gotten around to yet. Maybe I just need to be more judicial in _which_ ones I watch, as I'm sure that I already devote more than enough time to this hobby. Still, there have been countless nights where I've thought, "_I should watch a movie tonight!_", and then don't, because I wind up feeling too demotivated to even pick a title off of Netflix.

Lately, I've been thinking about what kind of steps could be taken toward increasing my motivation level. There are so many factors that go into this. Environment is a big one. Right now, I'm stuck living at home with my parents, and even though we have a good relationship, being around them all the time tends to be a drain on my energy. It seems that whenever they're at out of town or at work, I get more done.

This past Fall, I lived with some relatives, and that was actually a pretty good set-up for me. I'd love to move back there, but should try to stay with my current job for a while. The city that I'm in now is better for college options too.

I've also started thinking of motivation as being sort of like "emotional currency". No one's going to be productive for the entirety of their day. The human brain and body can only handle so much. And so of course, that's why it's harder to accomplish things while dealing with other issues, be those health problems, work, anxiety, or what have you.

I typically start my days pretty motivated, and if I invest that "emotional currency" well, then I'll often find myself earning more of it throughout the day. After accomplishing a goal, rather than feeling tired, I'll usually feel excited about tackling something else. Random surprises can help too. Receiving messages from people is something that I enjoy, and so, every now and then, when I get a new e-mail or reply on an internet forum, I'll wait to read it until I feel like I need a bit of a pick-me-up. That doesn't always give me the energy to move on to another task, but it has sometimes helped in the past.

On the other hand, if my day gets started off on the wrong foot or yields too many unwelcome surprises, it seems as though all of that "emotional currency" either evaporates or gets spent on simply trying to deal with the problems of that day.

Sorry that this so long, haha. I'm going to go read now.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* 
Thanks, I've been mostly just doing drawing practice and working on repairing other areas in my life. I'll definitely try to get some more stone carving or wood carving done before the year is over. I find sharpening blades frustrating(because I'm not sure if I'm doing it right) but I've been wondering if I should go back into wood carving for awhile because at least I was getting more done.

I used to go fishing and walking. Not as into fishing anymore and I don't walk as much since having back problems. I've been walking in my house lately for exercise, but I wouldn't call that fun.

I go on imdb forums a lot as well. Just to see what people are saying about different movies and shows. Contributing to wikipedia seems like a good pastime. Could see it being bad if it interferes with other things.

Know what you mean. Some of my most productive days are when I'm alone. I can't seem to focus as much around other people. Know I hated group work in school and college. I always seemed to contribute nothing or on rare instances roles were reversed and I would get stuck doing most of the work.

Usually I'm not very motivated and have to force myself to do anything. Seems to get easier sometimes after you get started though. Know what you mean. I keep feeling like I should spend 12 hours a day on things, especially since sometimes it is fun and not hard work. Even though that should be possible in a 17 hour day, time wise, it can be hard to have the energy


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## slyfox

Have wasted a lot of time online today. I think I'll get 3 hours of working on things in but I had wanted to get 6 hours today. Guess it is better than nothing.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - What kind of drawings do you make? I'd love to see one, if you want to post something!

Do you know anyone else who is into making crafts? How did you first learn? Perhaps there's someone who could help you with the blade sharpening?

That sucks about your back keeping you from being able to enjoy walks. Have you been able to get any kind of treatment?

Wikipedia really has been fun, and if you're looking for a new online hobby, then you should give it a try! But I don't want to give you one _more_ distraction to keep you from your goals, haha. There are some rules and stuff that you have to follow, but you definitely don't have to be an experienced writer to contribute.

What kind of movies/TV shows do you like?

It sounds like you're really outdoorsy. That's cool! I love animals and have been wanting to learn more about plants, but get sidetracked by, well, everything else, haha. What's your hometown like in Michigan? Are there lots of parks and nature trails and stuff?

I definitely hear you about wanting to get a full 12 hours of productivity in each day. No idea whether that's actually possible though. I remember reading about how working overtime, on a regular basis, actually leads to a _decrease_ in productivity, since we simply don't have it in us to work that long. Like in a typical eight hour shift (for an office worker anyway, I guess it would be different for retail, manual labor, etc) people are only _working_ for about six hours - the other two hours are spent on lunch, going to the restroom, trips to the water cooler, small talk, checking e-mail, and probably even just dozing off from time to time. I'm sure that there's something left over after that, for productivity at home, but twelve hours of true productivity on a daily basis, whether it's split between work and personal goals, or all just directed toward personal goals, probably isn't achievable (or at least sustainable).


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Mostly just simple practice doodles. Stuff I usually delete or do on scrap paper. Things like faces, hands, bodies, skulls, etc. I should push myself to do more completed stuff though.

My mom is into sewing, but otherwise I have no one else to teach me any crafts. I've always learned from books, websites, and videos.

I've gone to physical therapy for my back twice, but it didn't seem to help. At one point I had access to better pain medicines like Norco. I didn't bring up my back problems for awhile so when I brought it up again I was given ibuprofen which doesn't seem to help as much.

I like growing plants. You mentioned before passions that you have to sacrifice. I've always wanted to learn a lot about wild edible plants, but I don't feel like I have the time with everything else.

Yeah 12 hours of only job related stuff is probably unrealistic. Since I have fun with some art it seems like it should be doable though. But yeah doing that everyday probably isn't doable at least without alienating everyone. I would end up wanting to spend what little free time I got solely on myself to relax.


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## slyfox

Today, I ended up eating fast food when it was a goal to not. Later on I had more using the justification that I had already screwed today up anyway. I shouldn't have done that. Same with soda. When I had more than I had allowed myself for today, I used the failure as an excuse to drink even more.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - How has this past week gone?


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## slyfox

@Fox93

Pretty bad last week. Some things came up so I quit trying. This week I've been trying hard to get at least 40 hours in. Yesterday, I did over 6 hours of work and I've done about an hour so far today. Has mostly been house cleaning/organizing believe it or not, because this place is a real mess and has way too much stuff.

How about you? If you are in the US, happy Labor Day! Hope you got today off


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## Fox93

@slyfox - I did get the day off, though it was a matter of happenstance, since CVS is open on labor day (and yes, I do live in the US). Actually, I'll have today and tomorrow off as well, so I'm hopeful of making some good progress on things. Cleaning is on my agenda as well - stuff tends to pile up in my room, and often, it can be months before I get around to reorganizing everything.

It sounds like both of us have had some unexpected happenings this past week or so. And it's definitely never easy to stay on course with your plans, while bigger issues are going on around you.

What kind of things tend to be the biggest drain on your energy or the biggest roadblocks toward getting stuff done?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Enjoy your time off! Hope it helps with with your working on other things. Know the feeling with having to organize things 

Things like doctor's appointments and visiting my parents tend to be big drains on me. I feel like I don't want to do much those days even though they actually don't take up too much of the day. Yesterday, I went to my counselor, psychiatrist, and parents all in the same day. I did manage to get 4.5 hours of work done, but I was too drained and depressed to bother with the remaining 1.5 hours of my goal. Guess considering everything, I did pretty good. I find grocery shopping draining too.

What are some things that drain you? I think I remember mentioning work before. Know work used to be a huge drain for me especially when I first started. All I wanted to do was sleep as soon as I got home. I got a little more energy as I got used to working.


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## slyfox

Yesterday I got most of my 6 hour productivity goal done, but chose to not finish the remaining 1.5 hours because I was tired and depressed. Should've forced myself to do it because there wasn't much time remaining and failing just made me feel more depressed.

Today I woke up early and stayed up planning to get at least a few hours of work in before I went back to bed. My feeling awake, quickly wore off. Instead of staying up and not working because I felt so tired, I should've gone back to bed and worked harder later


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## Fox93

Yeah, I can see how visiting a variety of doctors, especially in the same day, would be quite a hassle. Do you feel that your current counselor and psychiatrist are helpful?

You mentioned that you used to have better medication for your back, but that for some reason, got switched to ibuprofen. Have you talked with anyone about receiving something stronger?

Where do your parents live? Do you see them very often?

Are you including appointments, family visits, etc. in your productivity count? Because if you're spending a great deal of time on stuff like that _and_ feel drained afterward, then it might be asking too much of yourself to get in an additional 6 hours of productivity. Like I said - "emotional currency". If you spend it on things that energize you, then you might earn some motivation back on the investment; if your day is taken up with things that prove draining, then it might be necessary to adjust your expectations.

Work + chores are probably the biggest drains for me. Actually, I find grocery shopping to be kind of relaxing. But since I live still live at home, and my mom insists on doing all of the shopping, it's rare that I ever go the store. I guess that if I were to be doing it every week or so it could become tedious, or at the very least overly time-consuming.

Unless I'm not around, it seems that my parents very rarely do any activities with our two dogs - which is fair, since my parents have much longer work schedules, but still, it puts a lot of responsibility on me. I think I mentioned before, that if I don't make the most of my morning, then it will often throw me off course for the rest of the day. And pretty much every morning, as I try to post comments here, or do some reading, or work on a Wikipedia article, I have to deal with my dogs constantly trying to get my attention. Sometimes taking them out can actually energize me, and I do _like_ playing with them/walking them. But I have to time it just right. Otherwise, it can really mess up my day.

Do you have any reliable tactics for *increasing* your motivation? I've mentioned that accomplishing one goal tends to give me the energy for tackling another, and that welcome surprises (like e-mails or message board responses) can often help. Getting out of the house can be good for me too; even just going out for lunch somewhere can serve as an effective reset button.

Any of these things work for you? Or maybe something different?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Since they are convinced my back problems are mostly muscle related now, doubt they'll upgrade my meds. A neurologist put me on norco when I was hospitalized for my back. Aside from maybe the pain I had when I was breathing(could breath fine, just hurt), I have no idea why they didn't handle it outpatient. Not a big fan of meds anyway. The only time I took the stronger stuff(norco) was when pain was preventing me from sleeping.

My counselor is a fun guy, but I'm not sure he always understands. He also gets off topic sometimes. Like on the first visit I mentioned that I rarely play online games, even though my girlfriend loves them, and he ended up talking for like 15 minutes about how much he loves online games. Was amusing though. There have been similar instances where I want to talk about my psychiatric problems but he talks on and on about something else I mentioned(like fixing the plumbing in my house).

I went to the psychiatrist for the first time Tuesday. He seems pretty thorough, but is all business and I don't think big on talking about your problems. He probably figures that is the counselor's job. He gave me some meds and is having me come back in two months, which seems like a long time when I'm a new patient and just starting the meds. He was hard to understand at times too because he's not originally from the US. He gave me some meds to help with sleep(anxiety too? not sure) but he didn't seem to understand that my sleep schedule is too erratic to take them before bed at the same time everyday. And honestly I like my sleep being variable because I like to sleep right before appointments so I don't risk getting tired before them. Had trouble finding this place with my insurance, so I'll try to stick with it for now.

My parents live almost a half hour away. I probably don't see them as much as I should, but I talk to my Mom on the phone everyday. The psychiatrist and counselor are actually on the way to my parents, so I sometimes try to combine visiting them with my appointments.

I don't count doctor visits, grocery shopping, and family visits in my productivity. I sometimes will count stuff that I have a hard time getting myself to do. Like I had an x-ray I put off for a long time and counted that as motivation to get myself to do it. I basically count anything I have a hard time getting myself to do, but that needs to get done. I believe 6 hours a day should be very double without needing to count the other things in my life. Maybe I should be working myself more gradually up because of the difficulty I'm having though.

I enjoy grocery shopping late at night myself sometimes. It still takes up time and energy.

Kind of know what you mean about screwing your day up early. I don't really have a schedule, but if I don't get at least half of my productivity goal done by 6pm I usually give up. Could imagine how adding your dogs in with everything else could lower your energy. I know this is different from what you meant, but sometimes watching our cat sleep can make me feel tired lol. Going outside or for a little ride helps me sometimes too. Since I have anxiety about my neighbors I don't really go outside much anymore though.

I can't really think of anything gives me energy to work on my goals. There are a lot of things about my current situation that should be motivating me but I usually get depressed instead because it seems so hopeless. Taking up a new hobby or interest gives me a lot of energy, but I end up feeling depressed when I give up on it. At times posting my goals on this forum makes me feel more accountability for actually trying hard.

Three day or weekly goals seem best for me. I'm almost guaranteed to fail with monthly or yearly goals. I probably should focus more on three day goals because I get off track so easily. Week long goals seem more inviting because there is more time to recover, but I usually give up anyway when I get to a bad start and end up wasting a whole week.

How is your job going?

Sorry for such a long reply.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - That's funny about your counselor, haha. 

A few years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I had a therapist who mostly just talked about how important it was for me to get a job. He probably had some good points. But I simply didn't need (or even want) the extra income at the time. And with my depression / anxiety issues, it seemed like a bigger step than I could handle. So we just kind of went around in circles: he would ask me if I had gotten a job yet; I'd tell him that I hadn't; he'd tell me why I should; and we'd repeat the same thing each week.

The guy was nice and could actually be pretty helpful when we were talking about other subjects. It's just that he had a tendency of directing the conversation, which kept us from addressing issues that I might have been more willing to work on. Eventually I left. But hopefully you and your counselor can figure out a good rhythm together!

Had you been seeing a different psychiatrist before this new one? If so, why the switch?

Work is going well enough - thanks for asking! I've been handling it all better than I had expected. But there have been some definite struggles. There's this homeless man who's been coming in the past several weeks, who seems to have some serious mental health issues...or maybe he's just high / drunk whenever I see him. I don't know.

He often goes off on bizarre, misogynistic diatribes and even followed me around the store once. I get genuinely frightened whenever he comes in, as he seems like the kind of person who could be potentially dangerous. My supervisor says that once, he even chased down a customer in the parking lot.

I never really know what to do when I see him, but I'm too intimidated to outright ignore him, so I generally act like I'm listening to all of his vitriol - _"Oh, wow, really? That's interesting. Thanks for warning me_ - even though it feels wrong to indulge such horrid remarks.

The weird thing about CVS is that it's usually just a single employee manning the store for the entirety of the shift. The manger or one of the shift supervisors will be in as well, but they're generally off doing their own thing. And then there are people working in the pharmacy, but that's in the other end of the store - our paths rarely ever cross. I can page the manager / supervisor whenever necessary and will always do this several times a day. But I'm kind of worried that if I do this when the homeless guy comes in, it might create a scene.

So I'm kind of at a loss of how to handle this. The general social anxiety of interacting with customers is already a pretty big challenge. If I have to deal with the added anxiety of feeling threatened on a regular basis, then I might have to get out of retail sooner than planned.

Another frustrating aspect of the job is that I've been called in to work unscheduled hours pretty much every week so far. Whenever my phone starts ringing, and I see that it's my manger, it gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seemed like a good idea to accommodate them as much as possible for the first few months, so I generally tried to make myself available. But they just keep asking.

And of course, this makes it a lot harder to accomplish my daily goals; not just because of the added work hours, but because sudden changes actually have worse effect on me than just about anything else. Yesterday had gotten off to a great start, but around lunch I got a call from my manager, and while I tried to tell him that I wasn't available, he insisted that there wasn't anyone else he could ask (there really aren't a lot of employees).

My shift wasn't going to be all that long - just 7 to 10. So I tried my best to stay focused on my own things until then. And at first, I was actually doing fairly well. But the thing is (no need to apologize for _your_ post being too long, haha - clearly, brevity isn't one of my strengths), my laptop has been broken for a few weeks now, and so I've been using the family desktop lately. And I really want to keep everything that I post on this website private.

I had been in the middle of writing a reply to you, when my dad came into the room. And again, sudden changes of plan are one of the hardest things for me to handle. My mind was still too focused on what I had been doing to move onto anything else. So I just took my dogs on a walk. While I was out, I started getting depressed about going into work later that night. By the time I got home, I still had two hours before my shift and tons of things that I _wanted_ to fill that time with - but zero motivation.

So anyways, (sorry if I'm droning on and on), I guess the point that I'm trying to make it that you're totally right - 6 hours of productivity on top of appointments, family visits, etc. should be very manageable for you. But it's important to be aware of your limitations.

This thread is called "_What could you have done differently?"_, and oftentimes there certainly _are_ things that we could have done differently. But looking back on yesterday, I'm not sure what those things could have been. Sheer willpower alone probably wouldn't have been enough to rouse me out of my mini-depression.

So rather than viewing yesterday as a failure and getting disappointed with myself, I asked a different question - "_What could I do differently going forward?_" And luckily, in this case, the answer was pretty apparent. I needed to make getting a new laptop a priority, so that I could have more control over how I spend my time. Obviously, becoming more adaptable to unwelcome, sudden changes is something worth aspiring to as well. But even if I succeed in that, it's going to be a slow, gradual process.

I got my new laptop today, so that should solve at least one of my problems. Can you think of any specific plans that might help you stay more motivated?


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## slyfox

@Fox93
My previous psychiatrist wasn't paying enough attention. The stuff he reported to social security didn't match what I had told social security and a lawyer that was considering my case. I know I told him everything but he didn't seem to listen well. An example of a problem was I was always telling him that the medicines were making me too tired to do anything, but on the report he sent to social security he told them that I wasn't reporting any side effects with the medicines. I could go on and on. Basically the lawyer decided to not take my case because of this and practically accused me of lying when he replied by letter. After I called him back, all he could suggest is I try to find a new psychiatrist in time. He acknowledged that my old psychiatrist wasn't the best at keeping that kind of paperwork. So now I'm going with a new psychiatrist hoping It'll go better. My new counselor seems to listen a lot better to things I tell him, but I'm not sure how much of it he writes down. Either way, I'm probably going to have to find a new lawyer if my old psychiatrist didn't completely screw me over.

Wow that sounds bad with that homeless man. Surprised they don't call the cops on him if he harassed a customer in the parking lot. Sucks having to play along with him, but yea there isn't much you can do. Don't want to set him off. Luckily, I assume you don't have to work outside the store much. Hope he moves on soon, so your job will get easier. I would suggest you look for a new job while working your current one, but personally I never had enough energy to do that myself.

That sucks about working unscheduled time. At my old job they did that to me a lot too. I also missed a lot of time because of my problems, so I'm sure I caused problems for other people. That's part of the reason I'm afraid to even try to go back to work. I could picture myself lasting for a short while and then getting fired because of missing too much work. I then assume that would screw me over on getting disability.

Sorry they had you go in late. Really does suck when you are expecting to have a relaxing day off. Remember at my last job we would have to sometimes come in for short morning meetings even if it was our day off. It wouldn't seem like a big deal and I would think I was going to have the rest of the day off. The boss would then ask me to work since I was already there for the meeting 

Btw I've never been in a CVS before. Only learned of them this year when one opened in my city. From the outside looks like a Rite Aid or Walgreens.

I do feel like 40 hours a week and other things are too much for me, even though they are typical for other people. I know yesterday all I did was sleep and I think I was only awake for about 10 hours . Today, I'm super tired too, and I haven't even started the new medicines yet.

That's good that you looked at things positively. Sometimes you just have bad days and there is nothing you can do. Best to start over fresh. Congrats on the new laptop. Hope it makes things easier for you.

I don't really have any specific plans, aside from trying harder to stick to my time goals. I know I feel better when I succeed. I do feel I should start with smaller amounts like 3 hours a day, but I feel like things are so bad that it would be unacceptable to do less than 6 hours a day considering I'm unemployed and my parents are helping me some. I even beat myself up over that and feel like I should be doing 10+ hours a day because I'm hurting my parents with my choice not to just go back to a normal job. So I feel if I'm determined to fix things my way, that I have an obligation to work as hard as I can to fix things as soon as possible. I fail to do this so I end up feeling more horrible. Btw my parents claim I'm not a burden, but I know they are counting on me getting disability eventually. Feel really pathetic at my age


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## Fox93

Sorry again for the late reply. Like I mentioned in my PM, it's been a busy week, and as much as I've enjoyed our conversation, it seemed unfitting to sacrifice genuine productivity for the sake of _talking_ about productivity, haha. I've got the day off though, so I've finally got some spare time now.

That's awful about how your boss would keep you in for the day, after your morning meetings. I would feel crushed over something like that. Thankfully, in the two and-a-half months that I've been with CVS, we haven't had any meetings. I remember that when my younger brother worked at fast food he had a lot of those, so I guess that CVS is kind of unusual in this respect.

Actually, I've never been in a Rite Aid or a Walgreens myself (maybe once or twice out of town), but we do have all three in my city. And yeah, they're basically the same thing. I work the front register, which is just a standard retail job - putting up and taking down sales signs, stocking shelves, greeting customers and showing them products that they can't find. We also take passport photos, which is a little bit tricky, but simple enough once you've done it a few times. Other than bringing in shopping carts and (on rare occasion) washing windows, then yeah, I never work outside the store - unless its the morning of truck day, which only comes once a week, and I've only been scheduled to work that shift a few times so far.

They've indicated that if I stick around long enough, I could be trained to work in the pharmacy or even promoted to shift supervisor. I'm not sure how I would feel about either of those - both of them would certainly come with pros and cons - so I may just stick with the cashier position. But it's too early to make any final decisions about that now.

One of my supervisors actually _did_ say that I should call the cops whenever I see that particular homeless guy. But again, I guess I'm just afraid of causing a scene. If he's standing there, right in front of me, and I start calling the police on him, then...how is he going to react? I mean, obviously the chances of him attacking me are slim at most. But I'm way too paranoid to risk anything.

Since I'm generally the only person working in the front of the store, it would be hard for me to walk away and discreetly call the police on my cell phone. Even then, I'm anxious about what I would even say. I've never called 911 before, and the idea of asking the police to come forcibly remove a homeless guy from the premises, just makes me really uncomfortable.

My manager has said that if something like this ever happens, I should get his attention, and he'll handle it. But I kind of get the feeling that my supervisors (who aren't _that_ much older than myself) might shift the responsibility of the situation onto me.

What's really bizarre, is that the second time I saw this guy, he was accompanied by a young woman. She was polite, articulate, well-dressed, etc. In fact, I'd say that she was among the friendliest customers I've had so far. At first, I supposed that she could have been a social worker or maybe someone with a church...but then she bought alcohol with him. And I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have sold it to them. If it was just the homeless guy, then it probably would have been a good idea to somehow get my supervisor's attention. But I didn't feel like I could refuse to sell alcohol to this woman, just because of who she was with.

The final piece to this puzzle, is that the woman asked about job openings and seemed quite interested in applying. I haven't seen or heard anything about her since, although the man has come in a few more times.

What's the case that your lawyer is working on? Is it for disability checks? Sorry to hear about the trouble you've been having with that. Yeah, it sounds like getting a new psychiatrist was definitely the right choice.

How many hours of productivity do you get in each day on average, and how often do you actually meet your goals? If you've been falling short consistently, for a while now, then "just trying harder to stick to your time goals" probably won't be enough. I'm not saying this to discourage you or anything, and obviously you know your own situation better than I do. So do whatever you think will work best. But if you can come up with a few strategies for dealing with the things that typically demotivate you, then who knows? It might be helpful.


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## Chasingclouds

As of late I've been pretty good about keeping up with my goals... specially because of what's happened in these last few weeks. Maybe some part of being productive is remaining stressed periodically so it motivates you... it's funny how that works.


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## WillYouStopDave

slyfox said:


> What could you have done differently to be more productive with your goals?


 I guess if I had ever had any, that would have been a good start. I never had any. Could never really think of anything that motivated me. Like, I can motivate myself to do something simple but when **** gets hard, I just don't see the point.

I've maybe had a few goals. Things that weren't really difficult but more difficult than the usual things I do. The problem with me is when I put a lot of effort into something I thought I really wanted and I get there and I think "Man. This really wasn't worth all that". It kind of sets a precedent and it accumulates because the same thing happens every time. I get where I wanted to be and realize I only wanted to do it for the sake of novelty. As soon as that wears off, I'm done.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

No problem, have had some busy days lately myself

That's good they they are letting you know there is potential for advancement. You definitely should consider it. The pharmacy position might be better if you aren't ready to tell people what to do and to deal with people like the homeless man if a cashier calls for your help.

I would be nervous calling the police on him also. Hopefully it would just cause him to leave, but you never know. Yeah I could see the manager confronting him while asking you to be the one to call the police. At least you would have someone else there though.

Do you think the homeless man shoplifts at all? I've heard sometimes shoplifters work in teams. Either way, that's weird about the woman who came in with him. You would think someone trying to help him out wouldn't buy alcohol.

The lawyer is no longer working on anything for me. Until he got the conflicting info from my old psychiatrist he was looking into being my disability lawyer.

It really varies on my productivity levels. A lot of days I waste the day and do absolutely nothing. If it looks like I can't meet my goal I lose all motivation to even do the amount of it I can. That probably has something to do with my OCD. I was thinking maybe I shouldn't set a goal time and just try to see how much work I can get done in a week or month long period. Assuming it isn't already a high number of hours, I can consider it a challenge to beat it the next week or month.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Well...yesterday wasn't great.

It turns out that a couple days ago, my register fell short _one hundred dollars._ I remember that my supervisor on duty at the time seemed to be bothered by something, but she never specified what was wrong. Then last night, my manger explained the situation to me.

We have a money transfer service, called MoneyGram, at our store, and this generally entails handling thousands of dollars in cash. My manager seems to think that I may have miscounted during one of these transactions. Thankfully, he didn't yell at me or anything. He even suggested that it may not have been my fault, since someone else had been working on the same register before I came in, and no one counts the money between shifts. Still, I feel awful. This isn't the first time that my register has come up short. Last time it was only thirty dollars, which isn't _that_ much. But anything over ten, I think, is treated as an issue.

My manager is incredibly nice. I've never seen him get angry over anything, and he's been very patient, as I've been learning the ropes of my position. So while various factors may eventually make it necessary to look for a new job, I definitely want to try and stay with this for a while longer.

Oh, and sorry if I didn't clarify this earlier, but there's a difference between my manager - who's in charge of the whole store - and my supervisors. Regarding the situation with the homeless man, I'm pretty confident that my manager would call the police himself, if it came to that. But I'm not entirely sure that I could rely on my supervisors taking charge of the situation.

I'll leave a longer reply later, but I quite literally just got called in for a unscheduled shift again. I would have tried to say no, but given what happened a few nights ago, I feel like I kind of owe them right now.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* I had a similar experience with money at work. They used to have me take pouches of money and checks to the bank. One time I took one to the bank the teller told me it was $50 short. Glad that the one who gave me the pouch assumed he must've just counted wrong. Did make me nervous worrying that I was going to get in big trouble. Glad to hear that you haven't got in trouble.

No problem. Hope things went fine at your work


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## slyfox

Could've done the whole day differently. Just wasted all of my time on the internet


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## coeur_brise

@slyfox. Exact same here, man. I could've spent the day being unplugged. Heck, even days out of years being unplugged. Maybe I would've or could've learned some new hobbies by now. "Media-free" as they say. But even then I'm not sure what I'd be doing. I remember watching TV and feeling somewhat the same way, except internet is a lot more attention deficit-friendly. I watched daytime tv before this and felt losery then. You win some, you lose some.


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## Blue Dino

Be more aggressive with my pursuits, instead of waiting them out and nudging them along at the last minute, before realizing I have missed my chance and to the point where I let myself sunk into a deep hole.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

So, anyways -

It's kind of funny actually. One of the supervisors called me yesterday, asking if I could pick up a last minute shift in the pharmacy. When I pointed out that I hadn't been trained for that yet and that I would have to take a special class first, he assured me that it would be fine. Once I got there though, he realized that I was right. I couldn't work in the pharmacy yet. So the supervisor filled in there, one of the more experienced cashiers took over as supervisor, and I just filled in as cashier.

If they offer me a chance to work in the pharmacy, then I think I might take it. As you said, it would carry less responsibility than the supervisor position. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in charge if anything out of the ordinary happened.

To answer your question from earlier, yes, I wouldn't be surprised if the homeless man has shoplifted. Whether the woman that he was with helps him with this, I have no idea. She didn't seem to have any particular need to shoplift, as again, she did _buy_ him the alcohol, and she didn't appear to be homeless herself.

There's another homeless guy who came in once, who's of a completely different character. He spent like, ten minutes asking for my in-depth opinion on different types of breakfast bars and chocolates - though I wasn't particularly familiar with any of the products, haha. After discussing how he plans out all of his meals meticulously, taking all kinds of nutrients into account, he just walked out of the store without buying anything. Since there weren't any other customers at the time, and since he was friendly, I didn't mind indulging him. My supervisor told me later that he's shoplifted before. I have no idea whether all of his questions were genuine, or if he was just trying to distract me enough to pocket something...or perhaps, as you suggested, he was working with someone else, who slipped in and out unnoticed. Either way, I honestly don't mind that much. I mean, even if he did steal something, I understand why. At least this guy was friendly.

As I understand it, I'm not really supposed to do anything (other than tell my manager / supervisor), if somebody shoplifts. I'm not supposed to confront anyone over it myself, since doing so could be risky.



slyfox said:


> @*Fox93* I had a similar experience with money at work. They used to have me take pouches of money and checks to the bank. One time I took one to the bank the teller told me it was $50 short. Glad that the one who gave me the pouch assumed he must've just counted wrong. Did make me nervous worrying that I was going to get in big trouble. Glad to hear that you haven't got in trouble.


I've seen my supervisors leave with pouches like that before. What kind of position were you in at the warehouse? Could just anyone make a deposit, or did you have some sort of seniority?

Anyway, the pharmacy position would probably be tough. During orientation, they said that it's among the most stressful retail jobs out there. The standard turnover rate is three to four months!

Still, I think that there would be some good reasons to give it a try. As I mentioned before, politics is an interest of mine, and seeing as though health care is such a big issue right now, it would be great to learn about different types of insurance policies (which would be one aspect of the job). It would probably be less lonely than the cashier position, since there are always multiple people working in the pharmacy. And even though I've heard that it's incredibly demanding, since you have to tend to multiple duties at once, I'd at least be happy to move on to something more mentally engaging.

And even if it turns out to be too much, then hey - the quick turnover rate could be an advantage! I could work there for a few months, diversify my work experience, and then move back to the front of the store (or just look for a different job all together).

Sorry to hear about all of the trouble you've been having, trying to get on disability. Do you think that you'll be able make some progress toward that, now that you have a new psychiatrist?

If the daily goals aren't working for you, then I think you might be right to aim for weekly or monthly ones instead. Personally, I've never liked following strict time schedules. If I felt like I had to accomplish a certain number of hours of productivity each day, or even each week, it would feel like I had a clock constantly ticking away in the back of my head - and that would just be distracting.

I do think that structure is important, and so I do try to set daily, weekly, and monthly goals. But rather than aiming for a certain number of hours, I aim for a certain amount of progress. You said a typical stone carving takes three to six hours, right? Maybe instead of telling yourself that you have to spend six hours (or twelve hours or however long) each day on productive pursuits, you could just hold yourself to completing a set number carvings (and other goals) each day/week/month. That way, you would have greater flexibility, and perhaps you wouldn't be as discouraged when realizing that you can't meet the exact time goals that you had set for yourself.


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## slyfox

@coeur_brise

At least you can use the internet to learn hobbies. Unless you're lucky tv usually doesn't help with that. I learn a lot of hobbies online, but have trouble transitioning to practicing them offline  I know tv used to consume a lot of my time too.

Didn't mean to quote. Just forgot to remove the quote from my post. Was using it to read what you said easier as I typed


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

Wow, that sounds annoying that they didn't listen to you. At least they ended up needing you anyway.

The other homeless man sounds amusing. No idea if he is shoplifting, but at least he sounds less dangerous. That's good they don't expect you to stop shoplifters yourself. That would make me very nervous.

I had just a regular driver/warehouse position. They had other people do it sometimes. Guess they just thought I was trustworthy for it. Considering how many days I missed work you would think they'd consider me unreliable.

If you don't think it will be too stressful, you should definitely give the pharmacy position a try. I find everything with insurance confusing, so I would probably hate it. Sounds like you've got a good attitude about it.

I'm hoping it will go better with this psychiatrist. My counselor seems to think I need to be on disability at least while I work on recovering. My new psychiatrist didn't really give me a clear opinion but just told me something like he'd give a report to social security if they contacted him. My previous psychiatrist claimed he thought I should be on disability(to my face) but did a crappy job reporting. Had wondered if I should've talked to him about it, but it probably wouldn't have done any good.

Yeah it might be better to set goals based on results instead of time spent. Right now I'm having trouble getting a lot of things done like cleaning the house, making important phone calls, etc. It's important just for me to do anything. So I kind of like setting times atm. As far as art and crafts if I continue with goals based on time I feel I should divide up the time for specific things because otherwise I would make all the time practice time. So I should have a minimum amount of hours that are spent on making a finished product. Might try your suggestion once I'm more caught up on everything else though


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## tom99

slyfox said:


> Could've done the whole day differently. Just wasted all of my time on the internet


same here


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Yeah, I didn't really mind the supervisor not listening to me. He's a good guy. As you say, at least they still needed me. If you want to hear something really annoying, one of the customers that day pointed out that one of the items they were purchasing was ringing up as $1.00, even though it was marked as $0.99. She then insisted that I fix it. Sure, she was buying four of the item - but _no one_ in this country, except for maybe actual homeless people as we've been talking about, is so poor that they need to save 4 cents.

Thankfully, she was relatively nice about it. But still - some customers are just way too serious about saving money. I don't get it. Maybe it's because I value my time so much. I wouldn't waste my time trying to save four dollars, much less four cents.

It's been really bizarre interacting with I have no idea how many customers each day, after having been so incredibly alone for so many years. I was actually homeschooled through high school, which pushed me from being a shy, socially anxious kid, who nonetheless still had acquaintances and occasionally, friends, to being almost entirely isolated (with the exception of family).

Some of my customers have been old classmates, whom I haven't seen since elementary school.

Sorry if I'm going in a weird, personal direction with my post - if I'm being totally honest, I've had quite a bit to drink tonight.

But do you mind me asking what your own social situation is like? I know that you have a girlfriend, but other than her, do you have any friends?

What do you think is going to be the timeline for getting on disability? Do you plan on finding a new lawyer? I'd imagine that once you get that all worked out, it will hopefully help you in a lot of areas of your life.


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## Tsuba11

It never matters what you did not do, it is what you have recognized that needs to be changed, and taking small steps toward achieving it. The present time is the only moment in time that matters!


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## slyfox

@Fox93

Yeah that is weird people making a big deal out of pennies. Could see my dad doing that too though. In Michigan there is a 10 cent deposit on cans and my dad always used to get angry if I smashed a can by accident or something so the bar code couldn't be read by the machine when you returned it.

Why were you home schooled? I could imagine that would hurt things socially. With the amount I was bullied in school it was very damaging as well.

How do you feel when you run into old classmates? I'm always terrified and sometimes will avoid the business if it seems likely I'll run into them again.

Aside from my girlfriend and parents there is no social situation. I usually only leave my house for appointments, grocery shopping, and occasionally to visit my parents. My girlfriend also has social anxiety and has no offline friends. I don't really want to make offline friends, because I already feel overwhelmed with life, but wonder if we should for her sake. I haven't been in contact with any of my old friends since 2009.

I think my hearing is probably in February. I'll check when I update social security about my new doctors next week. After updating them I probably should start looking for a new lawyer.


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## slyfox

@Tsuba11

That was my attention. To acknowledge the ways we waste time and to try to learn from our mistakes. We shouldn't be too hard on ourselves though because it is normal to need breaks


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## Fox93

Haha, yeah, there used to be a can depository in my hometown. My brothers and I would collect for that when we were kids. I can kind of understand holding on to trash, if you can get something back for it - ten cents stretched out over an entire year's worth of cans might be worth _something_. And I guess one could apply similar logic to saving minuscule bits of money on purchases. It's just the amount of time that some of these people waste that gets to me. Sometimes correcting a price or applying a coupon is quick and easy. But you'd be surprised by how often things go wrong. And I was never given much training on how the coupon system works, so it's been one of those "learn as I go" types of things. If someone points out that their total is a few cents away from what it should be, then that's reasonable enough. But often, I won't know how to fix it. So I'll have to call my manager or supervisor for help, and that's the point where it just seems like far more trouble than it's worth.

Running into old classmates is surreal more than anything else. It's almost like I've wandered into a dream. I've spent the past several years wistfully thinking back on my time in public elementary school. Even though those years weren't perfect by any means, they were a lot better than anything that's come since. I left for fairly arbitrary reasons. My older brother hated his time in our public middle school, and my parents have friends with children, who had similarly negative experiences there. So intent on not making the same mistake twice, my parents decided to home school me; although the plan was that I would switch back for public high school.

The first couple months of 7th grade actually went very well. I've always enjoyed academics, and being free of uncomfortable social situations allowed for greater focus. At first, I was able to finish all of a days' work quite a bit faster than I would have been able to in public school. But making such a big transition like that, right in the outset of adolescence, was maybe not such a great idea. You mentioned before that you have OCD. Although I've never been diagnosed with anything other than SAD and depression, that's simply because I've never done a great job of seeking a diagnosis. Shortly after beginning home school, some very serious mental health issues erupted. My life was overwhelmed with guilt and paranoia (both of a very irrational nature), and I started picking up obsessive habits, like excessive hand washing, checking several times a night to ensure that all of the doors were locked, and often rereading the same sentence, paragraph, or page of a book (and therein lies the more detailed answer for why I stopped reading for fun during my teen years).

So while I'm obviously not qualified to make a self-diagnosis, I'm pretty sure that all of these are signs of OCD. How has OCD effected you?

Thankfully, much of this subsided after 7th grade. But quite a bit of damage had already been done, and while the particular obsessions and habits haven't remained the same over the years, OCD (or whatever it is) is certainly still a part of my life.

7th grade was such a nightmare, that I switched over to a nearby private school for 8th grade. The difference was night and day (even though my years in public elementary are still my favorite). Being alone at home, essentially trying to teach yourself, while grappling with new, undiagnosed mental health issues, is pretty much impossible. Going into 8th grade, I was much more stable. And the structure, the teachers, the classmates - all of that helped ground me. I had considered staying there through high school, but there was a pretty major change in faculty, and with the staff went a lot of the students. So I had to choose between staying there, switching back to public school (as I had initially planned), or...giving home school another try. And for some reason, which was again, pretty much arbitrary...I went with home school.

Even though things never got as bad as they were in 7th grade, it became painfully clear after a year of high school, that I had made the wrong choice. I determined to go back to public school for tenth grade, and even enrolled, but things kind of fell apart at the last minute. So I backed out.

Sorry to launch into such a long spiel about my life. I rarely get to talk about any of this. There's much more that I could say, but I don't want to bore you by tracing out all the details of my high school days, haha.

One of the big frustrations of my life right now, is that through all of high school, I was stuck at home, with very little to do. Even my curriculum was too thin and poorly designed to keep me engaged. Now, I feel emotionally stable enough (for the most part) to really take advantage of my time and make something of my life (even if that just means following through with basic hobbies). But I don't feel like I have enough time anymore, now that I have to take on adult responsibilities. 

A couple nights ago, an elementary school classmate of mine came in and recognized me. But strangely, she asked if I had gone to our public high school, to which I responded that "_No, I didn't, but my older brother did._" At this, she recalled my brother's name and asked how he's been doing - he was a senior when she and I were freshmen. I have no idea whether she remembered that the two of us had, in fact, been in elementary school together, but I didn't want to bring it up.

Would you have been in college during 2009? What kind of friends did you have back then? I think you really should try to make off-line friends, not only for your girlfriend's sake, but for your own. I mean, I get it. Outside of work and school, there aren't really a lot of options for meeting people. I haven't made many serious efforts myself, toward making friends these past several years. And I have little intention of getting close with any my co-workers (even though they're all nice). But the _idea_ of having friends has always seemed like something worth aspiring to, even if realistically, I'm not prepared to make it happen.

Good luck with the disability hearing! I hope that you're able to find a good lawyer.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - just realized I forgot to tag you in the above post.


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## tessa808

Instead of not doing anything besides relaxing on Saturday and yesterday on Sunday I could've contributed that time towards studying.
I have to stop wasting time. Every little minute can make a difference.


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## Beast And The Harlot

It doesn't really matter what I would do. The end result is always going to be the same...failure.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Yeah that would suck calling your manager to help over a few cents.

Those sound similar to the problems I associate with ocd for me. I'm always worried about making mistakes and I check things over and over. For example, I'll keep walking back to my car to make sure the headlights are off. I've actually gotten better with washing my hands but I used to wash my hands so much that they'd dry out and bleed.

I have less responsibilities right now but I feel real overwhelmed. Don't know how I would handle it if I went back to work. Doesn't help that my psychiatrist now has me on a med that makes me sleep a solid 11-13 hours every night  It's such a deep sleep I don't even wake up to use the restroom or anything.

I was in college, but they were mostly friends I knew since elementary school. My friends were mostly unpopular people in school like me. Only had one friend that I hung out with regularly at that time. In 2009 he started hanging out with new friends he thought were cooler from work and stopped returning my calls for months. When he tried to get in contact with me again I just ignored him. Hadn't been a great friendship because he lied a lot. Honestly if I hadn't just met my girlfriend not sure if I would've got back in contact or not.

Unless she wants to make friends, don't think I'll be trying anytime soon. I don't feel I can handle friends right now. When you feel more up to i you should keep trying though. It is hard to think of where to meet people though. Some people who share hobbies seem to meet up on forums.

Thanks, I really need to start bringing in money one way or another. Sorry for the late reply. Haven't been feeling up to much lately. Have read your whole post even if I didn't reply to everything.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - No worries about the late reply, and I'm sorry to hear that the last few days haven't gone great for you. Worse than usual? Do you think that it's because of your new medication?

You were only on ibuprofen a few weeks ago, right? So this is something that your new psychiatrist just prescribed recently?

I always hate sleeping more than eight or nine hours a night. Oversleeping every morning would definitely leave me feeling drained. Do you generally go to bed early or wake up late?

What do you think is the end goal for your back problems? Just getting on disability? Or do you think that the pain is ever going to improve (without the aid of heavy medication)? That sounds like a really tough situation, and I'm sure that most people would be struggling to focus on everything else, while having to deal with something like that.

How was school for you? Did you struggle a lot with motivation then as well? Or was it easier? What did you study in college?

That's kind of incredible, in a way, that you kept your elementary school friends for so long. Maybe it's just because of where I live - people tend to come and go fairly frequently. Most of my childhood friends moved out of the area before too long. But that's a shame about your one friend lying and then walking out on you. I would encourage you to reconnect with him, but it sounds like that relationship might not be worthwhile.

What about your other friends? It sounds like you kind of drifted apart from them during college, but had you been close with any of them in the past?


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## mjkittredge

I think one of the best and hardest things to do, when we overcome our issues enough to pursue our goals, is to ask for help when we reach an obstacle we don't know how to overcome.


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Yeah one of the new medications really makes me sleep. My counselor left a note for the psychiatrist about the side effects, but I haven't gotten a call back.

Before I took this med my sleep used to be all over the place. I take the med at night and it starts making me feel tired/dizzy after a couple of hours.

I'm doubtful the pain will get better, but I hope to lose some weight and see if that helps some.

First I tried to get a degree in programming, then switched to graphic design, and then finally switched to accounting. College wasn't really right for me. I did great on tests in a lot of classes but did bad on getting homework done. You mentioned college before. Any idea what you would like to get a degree in?

My other friends started hanging out more with other friends as well.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

I have to say, it seems as though retail jobs only get worse with time. Sure, you learn more as you go on, but it's the learning that keeps your mind engaged. Once one's more or less figured things out, there's not a whole lot to keep the boredom at bay. I was actually rounding a corner today and started to greet someone, only to realize (after I had gotten a few words out) that it was my supervisor. :doh

I guess I've just gotten to that point, where I'm working on auto pilot.

The good news is that my manager has started me on some computer training modules for the pharmacy. So that will give me the chance to learn something new! I have no idea how soon he'll actually move me over there, but hopefully it won't be any later than early November. Ideally, I think that I'd like to put in two or three months at the pharmacy, and then leave CVS altogether sometime in January.

I can relate to what you said about college. I've always done very well on tests and have a good memory for facts, but other types of assignments tend to give me trouble - especially writing assignments. It's one of the big ironies of my life. I love writing. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to be a writer. But nothing has ever given me greater trouble academically.

Had I actually bothered with sending out applications, then I'm sure that I could have been accepted into a solid, four-year university. By time 12th grade rolled around though, my thoughts weren't exactly on post-graduation plans. Just getting through high school was challenging enough. I almost dropped out, in favor of a GED. And in hindsight, I actually feel like that would have been the better path. My home school education was lacking in a lot of areas and simply hasn't prepared me very well for higher education.

So it's been community college for me. Unfortunately, that hasn't really worked out. The first year was excellent, right up until I failed to turn in a big, end of the year essay. Even though I passed all of my classes, my parents weren't exactly eager to keep paying my tuition, if I wasn't able to complete major assignments. The following two years, I only took a single class in the Spring semesters (and nothing in the Fall semesters). I aced the first one; I got an F in the second.

What's biting about that, is that I had only taken the second class for fun. Initially, I had signed up for three classes - one in Science, one in English, and one in History. I needed the Science and English credits in order to transfer to a four year university (which was my plan at the time), and since those two subjects have always been difficult for me, I decided to throw in a history course just to balance things out (history being a favorite of mine). SA caused me to drop the two necessary classes, and my struggles with writing caused me to tank the third.

I thought about taking some online courses this Fall, but never found the time to sign up for anything. Maybe I'll try again in the Spring. Apparently, if I don't get a degree by the end of next year, the bulk of my credits will expire.

To actually answer your question - no, I haven't the slightest idea as to what I'd like to major in. History or political science would probably be a good fit for my interests, but unless I can get a better handle on writing essays, those are both closed to me. I guess the same could be said for most subjects areas.

Did you ever try to get a job in accounting? If you graduated around '09, then I guess that the job market must have been horrible at the time.

That sucks about all of your friends leaving. Do you mean to say that you were never particularly close with any of them? Or did you have some good friendships that simply faded out? I know that I've had dear friends in the past, who never moved away or anything, but just fell out of touch - our lives diverted, our mutual social spheres grew smaller, and eventually, our paths stopped crossing. The occasional get together dwindled off until we were friends in Facebook status only. But I'm happy to at least have the memories! 

Good luck with your weight loss goals and with trying to find better medication! Have you had any success with cutting back on soda?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

Sorry again for the late reply. Been mostly sleeping and retreating into my own little world lately.

That's funny greeting your supervisor. Don't feel bad I've done much worse at work.

Good luck with the pharmacy training, and finding a new job if you leave. Do you have to learn specifics on different kinds of medications?

I've been doing horrible with soda. I think my only hope is to quit cold turkey. I worry about getting headaches from the caffeine withdrawal. If I have soda in the house I end up drinking it though.

I'll reply some more later to what I missed. Not feeling up to much today. Also my eyes are really bothering me. Think I need eye drops


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

I've always thought it was best to go to community college for your first two years anyway. It saves a lot of money and if your grades are alright you should be able to get in a four year university after. I had planned to go to a local four year after community college, but things got too bad towards the end.

I didn't have plans for college at all while in high school. I was too focused on surviving high school because it was such a horrible experience for me. I went to college after working for awhile and hating how I was treated at my job. Never got far enough in accounting to have probably done any kind of accounting job.

Sorry to hear your parents were negative about your college. Sounds like you started out pretty good aside from that essay. I'm the opposite I'm really good at science(especially biology) and math has been mixed for me. I've gotten near perfect grades in some math classes but failed others. I don't recall ever doing great in a history class, but sometimes I find it interesting and like to read about it on my own.

Hope your credits don't expire. Good luck if you take courses in the spring. You're still pretty young. I've known people who've gone to college at much older ages.

Was close to some of the friends, but they preferred to go off and hang out with other people later on. One friend made fun of me too much and wasn't a positive influence really. I used to go fishing with him. He seemed open to doing stuff again last I saw him, but I wouldn't be comfortable being around his other friends or the wife he has now. He has a kid too. The old friends I've had have all moved on or I burned bridges with the friendships. Don't really want to go back.


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## Fox93

@slyfox - No problem about the late reply. Sorry for disappearing myself these past few days.

The pharmacy training has been really confusing. I've only done a single set of computer modules so far. As I understand it, everyone who works at CVS has to be trained for the pharmacy at some point, regardless of whether they actually get moved to that position. So I'm not sure what their plans are for me. The modules weren't very well designed - lots of acronyms and technical terms that are never explained.

Yeah, they do go over some specific types of medications, but only ones that you have to be extra careful with. I honestly can't remember much of what was said about those. It's all kind of a blur. I imagine that things will be easier to learn once I actually start the job, if they ever do move me there.

If they _don't_ move me to the pharmacy, then I'll start looking for a new job come November. Five months is respectable enough for a retail job, right? At the very least, I'll ask them to cut down my hours, although I'm not so sure whether they would be able / willing to accommodate that request. The most frustrating thing about my current work situation is that I honestly don't need or even particularly want the amount of money that I'm earning. That probably sounds weird and I hope it doesn't come off in a bad light.

But the fact is, it wouldn't be possible for me to rent out an apartment in my area, even if I started working full time. So as I believe I've mentioned, I'm stuck living with my parents at the moment. And while they charge me rent, they aren't charging me the full amount of money that I'm earning.

That leaves me with a surplus. Sure, I enjoy spending money on things occasionally, but I don't actually buy things all that often. Most of the extra money that I'm earning is just going into a savings account. I guess I'll draw from it in case of an emergency. Otherwise, I'll probably just buy stock. And while it's great to make financial investments, right now, I feel that it's more important that I make investments with my time.

Sounds like the two of us had fairly similar feelings about college, come the end of high school; albeit, I assume, for different reasons. I remember you said something about being bullied - was that the main reason for high school being such a bad experience? I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. While I can't say that I've ever been bullied per se (at least not in the traditional sense of being beat up or threatened), I definitely had some classmates, when I was in public elementary school, who would tease and provoke me on a fairly regular basis. Is that the sort of thing you were dealing with, or was it worse?

Did you go the community college route as well, then? How long had you been working, prior to starting with that?

I've always thought that science can be really fascinating, when it's taught well. But I'm not sure that I've ever had a class in it, that managed to hold my attention. This past Spring, I decided to take an Environmental Science course, since it would have been different from anything that I had taken before, and learning about the environment seems like a good match for my interest in politics. Unfortunately, it turned out to be very discussion oriented. There was also a big presentation that we would have had to do in front of our classmates at the end of the semester. I just couldn't stick with it.

I'm sure that you must have done presentations and group discussions in college, right? How did you manage to get through them?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* No idea what time is a good amount, but yea should look for better if you can. You can at least save some money for later when you need it while you are working there. But as you said you only have so much time. Know working took a lot out of me.

I wasn't physically bulled much probably because I'm a big guy. I mostly was made fun of and harassed. There were a few times I was physically attacked but the emotional abuse was worse.

I worked about about a year before I decided to go to college. I stayed at my job but worked very limited hours. Yes I did horrible with group work and presentations. Actually had to take two speech related classes because I changed majors and they required different courses. One required an actual speech class and the other required an interpersonal communication class which consisted of a lot of group work and group presentations. Hated it.


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## cosmicslop

Great topic, slyfox. I think what could've kept me on a steady track of accomplishing my goals is not having a black and white view of success and failure. What I did was think that if I don't meet my goals, then then that means I'm a failure who'll never change. I can't put that much pressure on my self-esteem anymore that's so fragile in the first place. 

What I'm trying to do instead is have a different mindset of why I have the goals I have, and what that mindset entails of is basically a set of values that are important to me. I took some time to think about what kind of person I aspire to be and comprised it into a list of qualities/values. Some value(s) should be the foundation of each goal. They are like a compass that navigate my actions. Like, will doing x make me more independent/assertive/responsible/creative/etc? I see this as a positive change in my behavior of viewing goal-setting, and it should help build my self-esteem more effectively -- hopefully. I just started trying to think this way.


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## Farideh

I've wasted my time by crushing on the wrong people. It only made me depressed and prevented me from leaving the house. Now I try to enjoy new activities and I'm starting to go out and get my life back.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Thanks for understanding. It somehow feels wrong to complain about working more hours than I want, when I'm only doing part time as it is. I know that a lot of people _need_ the money, and I guess that I'm lucky that my parents are still letting me stay with them.

I guess that I'm also lucky to have never been bullied quite as badly as you were. Perhaps that's _one_ good thing about having been home schooled in high school. There weren't many other upsides to homeschooling though...

The teasing that I endured in elementary school was always pretty mild. Just dumb childish ways of getting on my nerves. It seemed pretty bad at the time, especially since it was so frequent, but I can imagine that high school bullying must be _a lot_ worse.

You've mentioned that you occasionally run into former classmates. Do you still live in the same town where you grew up? How often do you run into old acquaintances (whether from school or from anywhere else)?

That must be weird to see old friends married and having kids. Have you ever thought about either of those things for yourself? How long have you and your girlfriend been together?


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## Saleemaslam

Writing my essay instead of wasting my time here.


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## Saleemaslam

Saving up my money instead of wasting it on takeaways and starbucks.


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## CookieCrumble

I think I could have worked harder for certain subjects at school/exam. I ended maths with a bad mark and some other things went bad aswell. Thankfully I graduated, but I know I could've done better. I've also learned from it and work harder now


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* 
I can definitely relate. I felt like a part-time job consumed a ton of my time. I had a seasonal full-time job before that and I remember spending a lot of my time sleeping when I wasn't working.

Junior high and high school were probably the worst for me.

Yeah I still live in the same area that I grew up in. Last time I ran into a former classmate he was working the drive thru at Arby's. That was weeks ago. I've avoided going to Arby's since then though. It didn't go that bad, but I feel anxiety about conversations


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## slyfox

I should've spent less time online.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

So this thread is officially two months old now! Overall, how do you think things have gone for you? Admittedly, I'm still catching up on my September to-do list. But I feel like I've done fairly well these past few months. You mentioned in an early post that it seemed like you got more done while you were employed than you've been able to manage in the time since. I do think a certain amount of structure is definitely important for being productive. That said, I imagine one could create their own structure with proper discipline.

Whether the net impact of my job has been beneficial or harmful toward productivity in my personal goals is hard to say. Having less free time has no doubt helped me to use the amount that I _do_ have more efficiently. However, I feel that I had already been gradually improving in this area before getting the job.

Even if being employed has helped somewhat, I'm sure that I could still get the same positive effects with shorter hours. The manager has confirmed that he does indeed plan on moving me to the pharmacy (hurray!), but he hasn't specified a time table yet. :sigh Apparently, there's still more computer training that I have to get through, and then I think that there may be a special test I would have to take. My aforementioned plan was to stick things out until November and then leave if I hadn't started at the pharmacy yet. But perhaps I should extend the deadline a little bit.

I was going to ask my manager which training modules to do next, but then he informed me that a check had gone missing from my register, and I got too discouraged to ask the question. We actually went through the video feed and both agreed that it looked like I had put the check in the proper slot. So he acknowledged that he may have actually misplaced the check himself. Still, this is the third time in three-and-a-half months that my register has come up short. Whenever I start looking for a new job, I should probably steer clear of any position that would require handling money.

I'm not sure that I could work in warehouse, like you did, but perhaps a standard shelf-stocking job in a larger retail center would be a good fit. Actually, a job that I had never heard of until recently seems appealing - merchandising. Every week, a girl comes into our store, and all she does is restock the magazine rack. I haven't really talked with her, so I don't know the details of her job. But it seems pretty easy going. Are you familiar with this at all?

If I had to work as a retail cashier again, it's dawned on me that my two ideal locations are no longer in existence - Zany Brainy and Blockbuster, haha. One of the things that sucks about working at CVS is that I rarely ever shop there myself. Oftentimes, when someone asks me where to find a product, it will be something that I've never even heard of before. A lot of the customers are internationals, some of whom speak broken English, so if all they know is the brand name, there's not a whole lot that I can do for them. It's not like I've memorized all the different brands for all the different products in the store. And our computer search system is very poorly designed.

Since I'm really into movies, renting out DVDs to people seems like it would be more engaging then selling them shampoo and cough medicine. And actually being familiar with the product would be a plus. Zany Brainy seems fun since, even though I wouldn't be in the store's target demographic anymore, I'd get a kick out of seeing all the different toys and games that kids would be buying. I imagine that working in a toy store could potentially come with downsides (if the kids get too unruly or make a mess of everything), which is why I'm not particuarly inclined to work for a store like Toys R Us. But Zany Brainy seems like it would have been small enough to have not been much of a hassle.

As to what you've said about running into old classmates - I can't say that I've ever avoided a store for this reason, but I agree that it's an awkward experience. Did the guy at Arby's try to talk with you? I've only had this sort of thing happen to me a few times actually, perhaps because a lot of my former classmates are still in college. But none of them have tried to strike up a conversation with me (except for the ones who have recognized me at CVS - and I can't exactly avoid running into them there).


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## slyfox

@Fox93 I think things are about the same or worse. Trying harder than usual at the moment to quit drinking soda, especially caffeinated. Have had a good amount of slip ups but overall am drinking way less than usual. Guess the slip ups are good because they are probably preventing withdrawal migraines. Also this week have been making sure to do at least an hour of day on average of things to improve my life. Originally wanted to do 3 hrs a day but I couldn't keep up 

That's good that you feel you are doing better. I try to make to do lists a lot of months but never seem to get everything done.

Glad that your manager plans to give you the pharmacy position. Good luck with the test.

That does sound very awkward with the register coming up short. Know the time the money I took to the bank for my employer was short $50 I was very nervous. That's good they were able to prove by video that it wasn't your fault.

Not really familiar with merchandising. Know there are jobs where you can work for Pepsi, bread companies, etc and you deliver and stock the product.

Haven't heard of Zany Brainy before. Know working around kids would make me nervous. Video games and maybe scientific type toys(ant farms, growing crystals, etc) would interest me most.

The guy at Arby's only talked briefly to me. I avoided going into details about my life. Have actually ran into him working at two different subways and I think at a garage sale. Have always felt awkward.

Have any plans for Halloween? I'm probably just going to watch horror movies and maybe carve pumpkins. Actually did a corn maze today for the first time but it got too dark to look at pumpkins after


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## slyfox

Have been wasting way too much time lately playing online games. Have been doing a little better than normal on getting stuff done.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

I don't keep actual to-do lists, but try to form general mental ideas for my daily, weekly, and monthly goals. So far, I've managed to keep pretty well focused, following through on most of the things that I've made high priority. But lots of smaller goals have been piling up. If I could cut my hours down to a maximum of twenty per week, then I could probably achieve a good balance. I guess that will have to wait until I've finished my time in the pharmacy though. Hopefully things will get rolling here in the next few weeks, as I succeeded in asking my manager about the training modules and can start on them whenever I find the time.

Oh - A few days ago, I came across this ranking http://finance.yahoo.com/news/worst-companies-130656663.html (which was compiled earlier this year) of the worst places to work, and lo and behold, CVS is #12. Apparently, the company's stores are habitually understaffed. I've been wondering whether I just needed to be more assertive in telling my manager that I can't work as many unscheduled shifts as he's been offering me, but perhaps everyone who works for the company has to deal with this sort of thing. Last week, I was actually asked on _four_ different occurrences to either come in early or to pick up a shift on one of my days off.

So yeah, I'm thinking that I might look into merchandising sometime early next year. I've seen outside employees stocking the cooler (like you mentioned with Pepsi), which I think is pretty much the same as the magazine stocking job. No idea how to apply for something like this, but so long as part time is available, it seems pretty ideal.

Not sure whether your unfamiliarity with Zany Brainy is due to our generational difference or the regional one (I'm on the central East Coast). The company only lasted about a decade (from the early 90s through the early 2000s), though I'm pretty sure that it had stores throughout the country. A whole range of toys and games were sold there, although there was special emphasis on educational products (hence the "Brainy" part of the name). There were definitely a lot of cool scientific toys, along with a variety of other things. I actually tend to enjoy kids. Usually, my SA is the worst around people my own age. Every now and then, a kid will come up to the register at CVS and buy something on their own. Believe me - they're the easiest customers, haha.

I'll definitely be watching a a horror movie or two this week. Carving pumpkins would be fun, although I probably won't find the time. I really enjoy all of the different seasons and always want to make the most out of them each year. At the beginning of October, I had hoped to fill the month with all sorts of Halloween / Fall type things. But most of my free time this month (that I haven't spent on reading or watching TV) has been directed toward exploring historical sites and exhibits around my area; which has been a lot of fun! But it goes back to what I said earlier - there's simply not enough time in the days to do everything that one would want to do. Certain activities have to be sacrificed. I've actually done very little Wikipedia editing these past two months, so as to make more room for books and outside excursions. At the end of the day, I feel like it's a worthwhile trade off, even though I really wish that I could continue with frequent editing. There are several projects on Wikipedia, that I've had to leave unfinished. Hopefully, I'll get the chance to return to them, once I find a less time-consuming job.

Good luck with cutting back on soda! It sounds like you're caught in a bit of a catch 22. Not sure if there are any good methods that could help you avoid headaches. Have you talked with a doctor about this to see if they have any advice? That might actually be worth bringing up, next time you go in for something.

The corn maze sounds fun! Were you at a farm?


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## DiscardYourFear

There are so many things I could have done differently. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. 

It's what I will do that matters. I'm tired of beating myself up for the past. Nothing I can do about that.


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## Joe

1) Be more open to people, don't hide everything I done since the age of 11

2) Discipline myself into working towards things


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## SummerRae

no idea what the thread originally asked, but im in a predicament currently that I wish I could have done something differently. I wish so badly I had never responded to that message, I would've lost out on a lot of love from someone I love dearly, but I could've saved myself this big of a heartbreak. CMON SAS, THANKS A LOT FOR ALLOWING PPL TO SEND MESSAGES!


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## areyousatisfied

I don't know if I'm answering you correctly, but hey I'll go for it anyway. I wish that I hadn't self-harmed 2 years ago. It was so idiotic and it's screwed me up ever since. I've been clean for over a year, and don't plan to ever do it again, but still. I feel like I could've been so much more happy and successful during those times if I didn't do the **** I did. And it still effects me today. God, I suck sometimes.


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## slyfox

DiscardYourFear said:


> There are so many things I could have done differently. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
> 
> It's what I will do that matters. I'm tired of beating myself up for the past. Nothing I can do about that.


Agreed. You definitely have a good attitude about this.

I meant this more for time wasted procrastinating that could've been used better. For example, I'll set a goal of working on things for 3 hours and not get it done. During that day I failed my goal I'll have probably spent 8 hours online. This is just a reminder that I had more than enough time to get my goal done if I had spent my time more wisely. But yeah no one should beat themselves up over it. They should just learn from their mistakes and try to do better next time. And sometimes you just need a fun day to relax and recover.

Guess this topic has come off too negatively though. Doesn't help that I tend to be hard on myself in my posts.



SummerDelRey said:


> no idea what the thread originally asked, but im in a predicament currently that I wish I could have done something differently. I wish so badly I had never responded to that message, I would've lost out on a lot of love from someone I love dearly, but I could've saved myself this big of a heartbreak. CMON SAS, THANKS A LOT FOR ALLOWING PPL TO SEND MESSAGES!


Kind of answered about the thread above. Hope things work out for you



areyousatisfied said:


> I don't know if I'm answering you correctly, but hey I'll go for it anyway. I wish that I hadn't self-harmed 2 years ago. It was so idiotic and it's screwed me up ever since. I've been clean for over a year, and don't plan to ever do it again, but still. I feel like I could've been so much more happy and successful during those times if I didn't do the **** I did. And it still effects me today. God, I suck sometimes.


Can relate that I've done a lot of destructive behaviors while suffering from depression and other problems. That's great that you've been clean for a year!


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* That's good that you are focusing on your goals. Can be hard to get everything done especially with working so many hours

Wow, it does sound like they ask you to come in early a lot. I got asked occasionally on my days off but don't remember getting asked to come in early much. Can't imagine that being a great feeling either seeing the company you work for being on a top worst list.

That does sound interesting visiting historical sites. What kind of sites have you been visiting? Even if it is hurting your work on wikipedia, at least it is helping you to get out more.

Any horror movies you have in mind? I've watched a ton over the years, but this year have been mostly just watching whatever I can find free on youtube or hulu. It's a struggle to find free ones on Hulu that have a 5 or higher rating on IMDB. Have no specific ones in mind I would like to watch anyway. Was a little interested in Krampus, but guess that won't be released for awhile.

Yeah maybe I should ask my doctor or counselor about quitting soda. Most doctors I've run into have just scolded me on how I shouldn't be drinking soda at all with hypertension. It can be quite addictive especially when you've been drinking it most of your life.

Yeah the corn maze was at a farm. They have a petting zoo too and a lot of other things like blacksmithing demonstrations. I would've liked to see the blacksmithing demonstration but it is only at certain times.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Growing up, I never watched a whole lot of horror movies, so I've been trying to catch up with some of the classics. Last year, I watched the original _Halloween_ and this year, I'm planning on going with the original _Friday the 13th_. This past week or so, I've also been watching some lighter, Halloween themed movies that I had somehow never seen before, like _Ghostbusters_ and _Corpse Bride_. You'll have to let me know if you have any recommendations! Although I probably won't find the chance to watch them before Halloween. I might be able to watch them sometime in the next couple months.

That said, I feel like next year's Halloween will be around before I even know it. It seems as though I blinked, and a whole year went by.

The historical trips are mostly just small, indoor exhibits. My city has a museum focused on local history, converted out of an old schoolhouse. Even though the museum is small enough that most people could see everything of interest within an hour or two, I always enjoy doing museums as exhaustively as possible. So I've gone there several times and have even asked the curators questions about some of the exhibited items.

I've also explored the county government building, which has a small historical display case. But after looking at that for a little while, I just enjoyed walking around the building, peering into offices and appreciating the cool architecture. _Parks and Recreation_ is one of my favorite shows and has really inspired me to take an interest in local government. It's also just fun exploring places that I don't know anything about, while totally on my own. There's a little bit of anxiety involved, but not much, since I don't have to talk with anyone, if I don't want to.

My area has a lot of old buildings dating back to the late 1700s / early 1800s. Some of these have tours on specific days; at least one is part of a county park, and it's open to the public every day. So I've been trying to go to those as well.

What kind of things have you done these past couple months? I know that they haven't been the most productive for you, but even small successes count for something! Have you done any new carvings?


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Haven't seen Corpse Bride but Ghostbusters is pretty good. I liked the original Pumpkinhead and the first 3 Alien movies. Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness are pretty good if you like lighter stuff. Army of Darkness is more comedy than Evil Dead 2, but Army of Darkness is the sequel to Evil Dead 2. I don't think it is really required to watch the first Evil Dead, because I think 2 explains things at the beginning. Army of Darkness is definitely different from the first two films focusing on comedy instead of horror.

The year passed really quickly for me too.

It's good to learn your local history. Haven't been to my city's museum in a long time. A neighboring city has a museum I should probably visit too. Not super what you are talking about. but urban exploring used to interest me. Would be fun exploring old abandoned buildings. Now I worry about things like asbestos and drug dealers using the buildings.

Unless pumpkin carvings count, haven't done any new carvings. Have been feeling like I want to do some bigger stone carvings, but I keep feeling like my skill isn't good enough. Really haven't done much. Just some house cleaning and going to my counselor. Did do a corn maze. Plan to focus on repairing my life with what is left of this year and not focus on things like being self-employed until next year.

Have a happy Halloween!


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Sorry for the late reply. I just finished a nearly 40 hour work week. As a part time employee, I'm not supposed to go over 30 hours, but CVS is getting ready for the Christmas shopping season and the regional manager came in for an inspection (actually, I think that there may have been two different inspections, though I wasn't present for either of them, so I'm not clear on the details). Also, someone quit in the pharmacy, which I guess caused my manager to shuffle some schedules around. Thankfully, I'm back down to a more regular 25 hours this week. Oh, and good news - I got to work a brief (two hour) shift in the pharmacy a couple weeks ago! Even though I haven't finished all of my training yet, they let me work the register for people picking up prescriptions. No idea whether that was a one time thing, or if I'll get the chance to work some more shifts over there before getting the official license. Unfortunately, I've got enough online training modules left to last me at least a few more weeks.

Did you ever find a good horror movie to watch? I definitely enjoyed _Halloween_ more than _Friday the 13th_, but am glad to have finally seen both films, since I know that they've each been very influential on the genre. _Corpse Bride_ is well worth watching if you like animation and Tim Burton.

Exploring abandoned buildings would be cool, and I do think that we have a few in my area, but yeah, I'd be worried too about something going wrong. I've just been going to county / city owned properties. Most recently, I went to an old farmhouse in a nearby city, that had once been owned by a fairly prominent historical family (with very close ties to George Washington). The house is actually sitting square in the middle of a modern residential neighborhood, so (perhaps to cut down on tourism) the inside isn't open to the public. But there's a sign out front with some information, and it was fun to just walk around the property. When I peered through the windows, I could actually see some old looking objects, with numbered tags. It made me wonder if there's active historical research going on there.

How have things been going with your counselor? And are you still having problems with your medication?


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## slyfox

@Fox93 That's ok on being late. sounds like you've been really busy. Been feeling sick, so am going to try to go back to bed. Might reply more later, but for now I'll post what I already typed.

Good to hear you got some experience in the Pharmacy. Sucks they overworked you otherwise. My last employer overworked me a few times, but usually they were big on giving no one full-time hours.

I like Halloween better than Friday the 13th as well. Not sure if you've seen the Friday the 13ths with Jason yet. Michael definitely seems smarter than Jason. There is a scene that comes to mind in one of the Halloween movies, but not sure I should spoil even though it would be a minor spoil.

Only problem I'm having with the medication atm is that it seems to do nothing. Things are ok with my counselor. He seems friendly. I just need to avoid certain topics or he/we talk about them too much. Like for example he is really into World of Warcraft and if I mention it, it will get talked about too much sometimes.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Don't think I watched any horror movies that were really good. Did watch a couple eps of the new series Ash vs the Evil Dead.

Good luck with your training. When your done do you need to take a test someplace other than where you work to get your license?

That farmhouse sounds similar to a historical house that was by my junior high. It was in the middle of a modern residential area. I got to go in it once but I don't remember a lot. Not sure if it is usually open to the public or if I got to go in because I was a student.

Did get a betta fish over the weekend. Have it in a slightly planted tank. Not sure if the plants will do good. Wasn't good with plants when I had aquariums in the past. I made a DIY CO2 device out of some aquarium tubing, a bottle, an air stone, and a yeast culture. Also have a light on the plants during the day. Not sure if this will be enough. Would be fun to sell aquatic plants but I think I would only make a very small amount of money and I would probably need a better setup. The betta seems to be doing alright but I should probably get a PH test to make sure the CO2 isn't lowering the PH too much. It is probably ok though because my CO2 system is very inefficient(most of the gas bubbles go straight to the surface). Overall this kept me from working on other things, but at least it was fun, and who knows maybe it will have some use.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

So the medication isn't making you drowsy anymore? Did you switch to something different?

That's funny about your counselor, haha. It's hard for me to imagine any of my own former counselors being into online gaming, but they're all pretty old. Is this guy relatively young?

That's cool about how you were able to set up the aquarium! Do you have any other fish? My family used to have a betta fish, I think, when I was younger.

It seems that being overworked is kind of the norm at CVS. A week or so ago, one of the pharmacy techs came in and had a long, private conversation with my supervisor. Then he came over to the checkout to buy drinks and asked me some questions about how many hours I've been working. He seemed kind of perturbed. After he left, I asked my supervisor what it was all about. She told me that he had been complaining about his schedule. Apparently, he had been scheduled to work on days that he had explicitly asked to have off.

That same supervisor has been working between a pretty rigorous test schedule (she's in college). And when I talked with the pharmacy tech again last night, he revealed that he too had been pushed from his preferred part time hours into a full time schedule this past week.

Oh - also, there was a shift supervisor from another store who came in to cover last night. The two of us had actually taken the same orientation class together, so it was kind of neat bumping into him again. As we got to talking, he informed me that this was only a part time job for him. He works full time in IT. But since one of the supervisors from his own store had gone out of the country for a month and a half, he wound up having to cover for her, which saddled him with a sixty hour work week! She came back recently, but now he's being asked to cover at other stores (like he did at my store last night). I really feel for the guy (and my other co-workers). Still, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one being pressured into this sort of thing.

Weirdly enough, there are two employees at my store who only work three to eight hours each week! I don't know how they pull it off, haha! I've never even met one of them, and the other, I've only seen a couple times. He was actually hired after me, but has already been moved to the pharmacy. I'm not really sure how that happened. I guess because he has such a light schedule, it's easier for my manager to move him around.

Hopefully I can find a new job soon. That girl who works in merchandising came in during one of my shifts last week, so I finally got the chance to ask about her job. She said that she works for a company called Hudson News Group, although apparently this company focuses on airports and train stations. After digging around online, I determined that Hudson News recently acquired a smaller company called Harrisburg News. It seems that this is the specific subsidiary that I would apply for. Unfortunately the company doesn't have any reviews on Glassdoor (which a website where employees can anonymously outline the pros and cons of their workplace). So other than what I can glean from this one girl, I'd have to apply for the job going in cold as to what I should expect.

I did ask her a couple other questions. She says that she works in seventeen different stores, and that the number of stores she works in per day varies. I'd estimate that she spends about an hour in our store each week. So that would probably come out to right around twenty hours, which seems about perfect to me! I'd like to talk with her again, in case there are any negative aspects of the job, that I should be aware of. But it feels awkward asking for details about a potential new job, while actually on the clock at my current one.

I've only seen the original _Halloween_ and _Friday the 13th_, so no, I haven't seen anything with Jason yet. And thanks for not going into any spoilers! I actually try pretty hard to avoid those, so I appreciate you considering that. I assume that none of the _Halloween_ sequels are as good as the original, but I'll probably still try to check them out at some point.


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## slyfox

@Fox93

Originally after I complained about seroquel knocking me out at night and making me sleep away the day(plus other side effects), my dose was cut in half. That seemed to help a ton, but the med didn't seem to be doing anything for me. I saw my psychiatrist this week and he insisted I go back on seroquel full dose to correct my odd sleeping hours, despite my protests. Seroquel can be used for major depression, but he was only talking about it for my sleeping problems, despite sites like wikipedia saying it is not recommended for insomnia.

The next day at my counselor, I told him how this made me very unhappy and how it would likely make my depression worse because it would feel impossible to get anything done with sleeping 16 hours a day. He seemed to take my side and told me that it was my body and if I wasn't comfortable taking it I shouldn't have to. He left a note for the psychiatrist saying how I would rather be on something else. So far haven't gotten any calls back.

My counselor is probably in his mid to late 30s. He also has Pokemon and Star Trek stuff around his office. Know he works with kids too. Overall he seems like a fun and nice guy. Too bad I think he is a package deal with the psychiatrist because they work for the same place. Really sucks too only seeing the psychiatrist once every two months and for only like about 15 minutes. A lot can change in that time and I don't feel like I discussed things well this time because I was sick and we spent most of the time debating the medicine that makes me drowsy.

I used to have other fish years ago before I moved. Had a 75 gallon and a 20 gallon aquarium. Have you ever considered getting another betta? I find fish keeping to be too expensive even with smaller aquariums. I guess long-term it is probably cheaper than pets like dogs and cats when you consider vet bills(especially if your pet gets really sick). Even reptiles you can take to a vet, but fish are obviously treat at home pets.

Wow on that guy working over 60 hours. Admit I would like to eventually put that much time in working on my self-employment goals, but it isn't likely to happen soon and mine wouldn't be as bad because it would be at home and some of it would be doing things I enjoy.

Hope they get the hours worked out or you can find a new place to work soon. Ever consider being self-employed? A lot of people start out working a normal job and sell things online, etc in their spare time. That would be the smart way for me to do things but I don't have the energy and my problems make it hard right now to work away from home. I know this would be very difficult for you the way they are overworking you right now though. Just was curious if you had considered any small business or self-employment ideas.

That's good that you were able to ask the merchandising woman some questions. Hope she is nice about answering any further questions you have. Asking around is a great way at finding opportunities. Wish I was better at that kind of thing.

Halloween 2 is a direct continuation of the first. I believe it even happens later on the same day. Halloween 3 has nothing directly to do with Michael Myers. They had planned to do a variety of Halloween related horror stories, but ended up going back to Michael Myers.


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## slyfox

I shouldn't have given up so easily this week. I've been sick, but I could've worked on content for a website I'm wanting to create. I plan to work much harder next week. So I don't just waste today and tomorrow, I'm going to let myself start early on my goals for next week.


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## Fox93

So the full dosage makes you low on energy, but when you're on a half dosage, you struggle with insomnia? Is that right? This would probably be too simplistic, I'm sure, but have you asked what might happen if you were to take, say, a three-quarter dosage? Glad that your councilor has your back on this. Hope that things get worked out!

What kind of website are you working on? Is it an online store for selling your crafts? Or something else? I used to think about starting up a blog of some kind, but never quite got around to it.

When you aren't working toward your goals, meeting with your councilor, etc., what sort of things have you been up to lately? I know that the last couple months haven't been the most productive for you, but how have you been spending your free time? Online? Watching TV? Reading? Any particular websites / TV shows / books that you've been enjoying lately?

Several years ago, my dad, at least one of my brothers, and I dug a large hole in our backyard, so that we could install a miniature pond. From time to time, we've had fish in there, although they generally seem to die pretty quickly. I honestly don't go into our backyard very often these days, so I've lost track of what my parents have been doing with that.

You also have a cat, right? Do you have any other pets, or just those two?

As far as I've gathered, it sounds as though the shift supervisor who covered a few days ago (the one whose full time job is in IT) will be transferring over to our store. His own CVS is 24 hours, so I guess he likes our hours better, haha. I've enjoyed working with him so far. He's the kind of guy whose really easy to engage with in small talk. One of the two supervisors that I've been working with these past several months is going to be moving to the pharmacy, so this new guy will be replacing her. The two original supervisors are almost on opposite ends of the social spectrum. The one that's leaving for the pharmacy is extremely extroverted. Even though she can be fun to be around, it can also be exhausting trying to interact with her. The guy who is staying is almost as quiet as I am, so having any kind of conversation with him is kind of tough. The new guy seems to be a pretty good balance between the two of them.

That said, I'm not sure how long I'll actually get to work with him. It turns out that I have less training left for the pharmacy, than I had thought. A lot of the lessons that have been assigned to me are actually going to be on the job training. I think that I can finish all of the online modules by the end of the week, and hopefully then, I'll be on the fast track toward making the move.

I can't say that I've ever considered becoming self-employed. This past year though, my mom has gotten really into selling things on eBay. She likes going to thrift stores, and finding things that she can then turn for a profit. I had been considering this sort of thing myself, before she even got started, but could never find enough motivation to go through with it. Other than that, I'm not sure what kind of self-employment opportunities could be available for me.

One of the best horror films that I've ever seen is one that came out of Australia last year, called _The Babadook_. Some horror fans might not like it, since it's somewhat slow paced and is more psychological, rather than being focused on blood and gore . My younger brother and I both thought that it was incredible though. May or may not interest you, but if you ever enjoy watching less conventional horror films, you should check it out.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Sorry about the epic reply

Wrote earlier this week about the website(s). Now I'm not really sure what I should focus on. Maybe I should just focus on repairing my life for awhile.

"Actually I'm thinking of making a couple websites mostly on other topics that interest me. Since I haven't been working hard on improving at art lately, thought I would give other subjects I neglect a try. One is going to focus on natural topics I want to learn more about like plants, fungi, animals, and identifying minerals. I feel like minerals should have a separate site, but I'm not sure I could write enough content.

The other site is going to be more on creating things. It will focus on topics like art, crafts, maybe cooking projects I want to try(making cheese, etc), building, and electrical experiments. Both websites will be on things I want to do and learn and I'm planning to build content as I learn. I know some topics don't go well together, especially on the 2nd site, but I'll try to make it so I can expand later on once I have enough content to give them their own site.

I'll also be making instructional youtubes to go along with some of the topics. For example, I'll make videos about hand polishing stones, growing crystals, wild edibles, moss terrariums, growing mushrooms, my attempts at making cheese, making simple electric motors, and a ton more. The problem is I don't really want to appear in my videos. I'll either have to suck it up and appear in some of the videos or avoid showing myself. I think youtubes will be important to inform people better and also to increase the traffic I will get.

I'm feeling like why should I neglect all of the topics that interest me. Maybe I should just embrace that so many things interest me, especially since I'm unemployed atm and have tons of time. And who knows maybe I'll get enough traffic to make some money from advertising. If that doesn't work I can at least direct some of the traffic to places I'm selling my art and crafts maybe."

I would rather just not be on the medicine at all if it is not intended for insomnia and doesn't help me with depression. It also gives me other side effects. Bet the new meds they want me to try will too. They are actually meds I discontinued while with my previous psychiatrist. Annoying

I don't do much at all. Just sleep and waste some time online. I'm really behind on all things in my life. Recently got a flat tire and turned out the rest of my tires were pretty bad so had to have those replaced.

That's cool on the pond. My dad and I once dug a small one and used a liner, but it got torn and lost the water. There weren't really any fish in it, just things we found like pond snails, etc. I'm guessing you probably don't know how many gallons. I know popular pond fish like koi and goldfish can be really filthy. Not sure about with outside, but when kept indoors it is recommended that they have better filtration than most fish. When I was younger I had decent sized kids swimming pool with rocks in it that I let my painted turtle bask in during the summer. I had some goldfish in it. Even though there weren't many it probably was bad for them because I didn't dechlorinate. Chlorine will leave the water after awhile, but I think most cities use chloramines which require a water conditioner to remove(neutralize?).

Even though my betta is alone in a 5 gallon aquarium with a bunch of plants the ammonia level has been running too high. It is at the lowest amount my test reads(0.25ppm) but from what I've read that is even too much. I'm tempted to take a sample from one of the cups they keep them in at the department store because if I'm having trouble with a 5 gallon, the ammonia in those cups must be really high. Unless I'm not caring for the plants right, they should be keeping the ammonia down. I've been doing regular water changes but I guess I should've gotten a filter to help with the biological filtration instead of counting on plants.

We have a cat and the beta atm. My girlfriend keeps wanting another cat but I'm not sure if that is going to happen. I've been trying to keep some brine shrimp. Tried to hatch some eggs a few days ago, but it didn't seem to go great. I plan to make some changes with the next eggs.

That's good that you get along with the new supervisor. I bet you are glad you don't work at a 24 hour CVS. I know what you mean about it being awkward being around other people who are quiet.

Did you finish your pharmacy lessons?

Reselling things on ebay sounds good. I've done a little of that myself. It is fun and can be like treasure hunting. The problem I have is motivating myself to list items and worrying that I'll list them wrong because I don't know enough about them. I have a bunch of stuff sitting around that I bought in the past from garage sales and thrift stores intending to resell. Since you are into history, it could relate some to what you like. I don't think I've really bought anything older than the 40s though. I'm sure I've seen older items, but I didn't know enough about them and prices weren't low enough to take a risk.

Actually have seen The Babadook. Not one of my favorites but it was worth seeing.


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## slyfox

Could of worked on more instead of treating today and yesterday like off days. I really need to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I haven't really spent much time thinking on that either.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

How was your Thanksgiving? I actually had to work that evening, and since my dad has been out of town visiting his mom (who just got out of surgery recently) my family didn't have a meal together. But my supervisor (the one who's supposed to be moving to the pharmacy) brought in some food for me from her own family's Thanksgiving. So that was really nice! 

The guy from the 24 hour store hasn't moved over to ours yet, but from what I've heard, he's still planning on doing so. Since he hasn't shown up yet, the supervisor who's moving to the pharmacy has had to continue filling in - even though her position has already officially changed. She no longer has any of her old codes (for things like the setting the alarm when the store closes, I guess) and has had to borrow ones from the manager. Technically, according to her, it's against corporate policy for her to continue working as a supervisor, after she no longer holds the job title - but I don't imagine that she'll actually get in any kind of trouble over this. I think that some supervisors from other stores will be covering this week, so that she doesn't have to keep working in her old position.

From what I've heard, it sounds like this is going to be my last week as a front store cashier! December 5 is supposedly my start date for the pharmacy. As I've mentioned, I had really hoped to change positions at the beginning of November; that way, I could have put in a respectable two months in the pharmacy and then made a clean break with the new year. It would have been great if I could have found a less demanding job by the start of the Spring semester, as I really do hope to take a few online classes. But I may have to balance my classes with the pharmacy, at least through January (and possibly February as well). I want to make sure that I get enough experience for it to look good on a resume. Plus, I would feel pretty bad if I bailed on my manager, right after starting in the new position. I know that he's been pretty short handed.

Any new developments with your medication? You said that you only meet with your psychiatrist every two months, but have you heard anything from him about the situation?

How is the aquarium going? I not familiar with all the upkeep, but it sounds like you know a lot about it!

When you're killing time online, what kind of websites do you go to? Is it mostly here (on SAS) and random web browsing? Or do you have some regular sites that you like going to? I used to spend _way_ to much time on Cracked, and I still love checking things out there every now and again. But now I try not to go there very often, since I can get lost for hours in their articles and videos. I've been a lot more productive, since I stopped going there so frequently.

I also really enjoy watching Vsauce. Have you seen any of their videos on YouTube? It seems like something you might find interesting, since you enjoy science. How are your websites going? Have you created any content yet?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

Thanksgiving for the most part was bad. I got really sick so skipped the main meal with my parents. Ended up going over later in the night for leftovers though. While buying some stove top stuffing, on the way to their house, I ended up buying two 10 gallon aquarium kits that were half off for the holiday. That sucks on missing Thanksgiving. Good to hear your supervisor was nice enough to share.

Good luck in the pharmacy  Hope it isn't too much for you with college.

New meds that I'm on don't seem to be causing many if any side effects, but they also don't seem to be helping.

The betta aquarium is going fine. Toxins are staying down, so all of the plants must be helping. Some of the plants(java ferns) are growing little plantlets already. Not sure if I should still add a filter anyway though. I know some bettas don't like much current.

I haven't setup the other two aquariums yet. I bought supplies to make one into a simple saltwater aquarium with small hermit crabs or something like that. Debating if I should return the saltwater supplies and make both of the new aquariums into planted tanks. I've always wanted a saltwater aquarium, but it is just going to be a money pit even at that small size. With a planted I might be able to sell some plants that I propagate on ebay or aquabid. Have been thinking of buying storage containers to raise even more aquatic plants in.

I mostly go to SAS and youtube to watch videos about aquariums and other hobbies. I go to wikipedia anytime I encounter something new.

I'm not sure if I've ever seen Vsauce. I can't watch it right now but I'll check it out later. Not sure if I've ever visited Cracked yet. Know what you mean about websites consuming all of your time though.

Aside for making a video about growing duckweed and working on an update, I haven't made any content. Really don't know what I want to focus on as far as being self-employed. Wish there was tons of time so I could focus on all of the options I want to pursue. The videos are pretty boring. Duckweed does grow extremely fast, but other people who have filmed it have done it in time lapse. Either way I had planned to observe some growing anyway, to make sure I was growing it right, so thought I might as well film the progress.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Well, I've been trying to write a reply for a while now, but the words just haven't been coming together for me. Things have been kind of stressful lately. I'll be starting in the pharmacy today, but then...I don't know what comes after that. Whenever I leave, be it in January, February, or later, the best thing that I seem to have waiting for me on the other end is the vague possibility of becoming a magazine merchandiser, or possibly stocking shelves in a larger, less demanding retail center. For the past few months, I guess I've been more or less okay with that. It's been fun having the chance to explore my city in more depth than I ever did growing up. There's a cool forested area downtown that I hadn't known about until fairly recently. So I've enjoyed listening to Spotify on my smartphone, while walking around in there. I've also been going to a lot of restaurants that I had never bothered checking out before now.

Quite frankly though, it would be impossible to continue living in this area, unless I stay at home or find a roommate. Option #2, we both know, isn't happening any time soon, for obvious reasons. And while my parents are, for the most part, fine company, I'm increasingly desperate to move out. I'm 22; most of my peers will be graduating from college this spring, and the longest I've ever spent away from home was four months this past fall, when I lived with my aunt and her young kids.

The one person my age that I was semi-close to in high school never went to college, but she moved out when she was 18 or 19 - which was possible because, you know..she has friends. I actually sent her a message all the way back in January. It very well may have been the boldest social venture that I've made in at least a decade. The message was very short and very simple, but all the same, it took me several days (and a few beers) before I could finally bring myself to hit send. And then...nothing; for about a month. She finally wrote me back in February, but I guess my caution had run out of patience by then, because I wrote increasingly long and personal responses. Honestly, my messages probably didn't contain anything _that_ awkward; but still, I've found myself analyzing them and rethinking them to death - because, pretty quickly, even though we grew up together and our parents are pretty much best friends, she just stopped writing me.

I think that my biggest mistake may have simply been replying too quickly and coming across as borderline desperate. And I get how, from her perspective, that must have been weird. I've had people that I've barely known write to me on Facebook, in ways that feel excessive - it can certainly be uncomfortable. Even though I've been friends with this girl since childhood, SA always kept me from being particularly close to her. We had only seen each other once in the preceding period of about two years, and then all of a sudden she started getting messages from me out of the blue - messages in which I sound a little too obsessed with the idea of hanging out. So yeah...I can see why she stopped writing back.

Does your therapist ever encourage you to socialize more? I know that you said you don't even want friends, and that's fine. I respect that. But I'm curious what his take is on the matter. I've seen a lot of therapists and psychologists over the years, the most recent of which insisted that I join toast masters, or least some sort of group. Gosh, if only it were that simple. I guess the thing is, that I'm just not particularly interested in socialization for socialization's sake. If I were to make a friend, I wouldn't necessarily want it to be someone that I met through some random group, that I only ever joined for the explicit reason of meeting people. I like the idea of forming a connection with someone that's based more on shared experience than on shared interests. And I guess that's why I was so set on trying to reconnect with this girl in the beginning of the year. It's not that I was hoping to kindle any kind of romantic relationship with her (although I'd be lying if I said that I don't find her attractive). She just seemed like an ideal friend, since we had already gone through significant periods of our lives together.

So...yeah. Sorry for being so hyper-personal. I didn't really intend to spill my soul out all over your computer screen, haha. I wrote a couple responses that were more casual, but started feeling too depressed to finish them. These past couple weeks have been really stressful.

Sorry to hear that you were sick on Thanksgiving. Sounds like neither of us were able to do much for the holiday. Are you getting excited for Christmas?


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## SvanThorXx

There is so much in my life I could have done differently.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

Good luck with your first day at the pharmacy! Mobile home parks usually have rent that is quite a bit less than renting an apartment. Not sure how they are in your area, but there are some nice parks in my area. There are some that are like the stereotypical bad parks you see on tv, but there are also fancier ones with rules where you are expected to keep your lot clean, maintained, etc. You would have to buy a used double wide or mobile home though. At least in my area used mobile homes are about 8,000-20,000. Some places have payment plans but that might bump the monthly cost closer to apartment rent levels.

Sorry things didn't work out with your old friend from high school. You don't have to worry about saying too much to me as long as your ok with me sometimes taking awhile to reply. Years ago I called a girl I had liked from my high school, who had liked me at least some of the time I knew her. She called back but I was too nervous and let the answering machine pick up. Can't remember if I called again.

Friends would be nice. There is a part of me that would love to go on all sorts of adventures with friends and just have fun. I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I already feel like I neglect my girlfriend and my parents too much as it is. If I went and spent time with a friend, I would have to spend even more time with my girlfriend so she didn't become jealous and I would end up having little if any time for what I want. It might work better if I had a friend with the same interests and similar goals so we could work on them together. When I finally give up on all of my self-employment dreams(might be closer than you think  ) I might change my focus to having as much fun as I can.

My counselor hasn't mentioned friends that much. I think I remember mentioning to him before how I always feel overwhelmed and that I would have a hard time handling friends.

Your counselor recommending Toastmasters seems kind of extreme for someone with SA, unless he thinks you've made a lot of progress. I know talking in front of a group of people is one of my top social fears. It does seem like a weird way to make friends. I might like making friends with someone at a rock/mineral club if they could help me with identification and maybe wanted to go rock hunting sometime.

Your getting personal is ok. If you want you can always reply to me with a private message instead. Hope things can improve for you.


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## slyfox

SvanThorXx said:


> There is so much in my life I could have done differently.


Know the feeling. I have a ton of regrets in life.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

*Egad this is long.*

:eek :fall

Thanks for being understanding and willing to put up with my getting verklempt all of a sudden. Everything considered, 2015 has actually been one of my better years lately. But apparently, it doesn't take a whole lot to unravel my psyche. The past couple of weeks have been really disappointing - and they've only been made more so, by how well things had been going this Fall. There's no one thing in particular that's been awful; it's just that whenever I fall into a bad mood, I tend to have a very hard time rousing myself out of it.

I guess it goes back to what I said in a much earlier thread, about how if I start my day off on the right foot, I can often stay focused and motivated for quite awhile. But it only takes something small to throw off the whole rhythm. And when lots of small things start piling up, then I kind of just dissolve into a puddle.

One thing that's been bothering me, is that my parents totally rearranged my room, without even giving me a heads up beforehand. Perhaps they thought it wouldn't make any difference to me, since I haven't actually been sleeping in there very much these days (my older brother's now-empty room has a much nicer bed, haha). But I still like to unwind in my own room during the day, especially whenever I feel like I need some time to myself. Now that my room's familiarity has been largely stripped away, it just isn't as comfortable a place to relax anymore.

I kind of like your idea about living in a trailer park. I'd rather have an apartment, but hey - pretty much anything that I can afford would work. That said, I probably won't be able to move out at all anytime soon, even if I found the cheapest, grungiest place to live. My current salary is less than $1000 / month, and I don't have very much saved up (the little amount that I do have saved, I'm planning on using to buy stock, since I'm interested in learning more about finances). In fact, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that, even if I were promoted to shift supervisor, I'd have to work 60+ hours per week, in order to be truly self-sufficient.

Oh, which reminds me - remember that one supervisor who's been covering at my store lately? The one who works in IT? I mentioned earlier that he's been working 60 hrs. a week, but it turns out that he's actually been working *80 hrs. a week*, between both jobs! I can't even begin to imagine how he gets by! I know that he's married, and so that obviously demands a lot of responsibility - but still! He used to live in another state, and when he moved into my area, his salary increased...but not enough to make up for the higher cost of living here. So his means actually _decreased_ when he took the new job. It must have been awful, when he realized the situation...

I'm really glad that I had the chance to work with this guy before moving to the pharmacy. He actually won't be transferring to our store, even though I had heard that he might. So I'm not really sure who the new supervisor is going to be, although I've heard that the manager has hired _someone_ to replace the one who's moving to the pharmacy with me. I had the chance to train my own replacement a little bit - he's a middle aged man from the Congo, who works mornings at a retirement home. I can't help but feel a little bad complaining about my own problems, when most of my co-workers seem to have it much harder...

Although I've only done one "official" day in the pharmacy, I've had the chance to work there three times in total (I covered someone's shift there all the way back in October, and then again a few weeks ago). The first time was pretty breezy - the shift only lasted two hours, people were pretty helpful, and messing up didn't feel too bad, since I knew that I wasn't expected to know very much. The second shift was a _lot_ worse though. Since I had completed all of my online training by then and had already been shown many of the basics back in October, I wasn't quite as comfortable asking for lots of guidance...and no one really offered any. There was one helpful guy, but he went on a lunch break almost immediately after I arrived, which left me totally in the dark for the beginning of the shift. The actual pharmacist and the one other co-worker who was there that day almost seemed to be operating from the mindset that they should assume I knew _everything_, until proven otherwise, haha. And I don't know...maybe they genuinely didn't realize how little experience I had. But the training process for the front register wasn't good at all either.

The third (and first official) day was a little better than the second, but still not great. I can tell that this is going to be a very overwhelming job; not just because of the crazy-fast pace and many, many things that I'll have to learn, but also because of how social my co-workers are with each other. A typical shift seems to consist of the actual pharmacist and three "pharmacy techs" (including myself). It's kind of nice to have other people around, as the front register could certainly get lonely at times. But I can imagine lots of awkward moments in the future, if my co-workers try talking with me regularly.

One _really_ awkward situation happened yesterday, at a pharmacy training class. It had the same instructor as my orientation program back during the Summer, but whereas the orientation had probably over a dozen attendees, this class only had three other people. We were all asked to perform a role play, as if we were talking with someone at the pharmacy. We weren't given any scripts though. All we had was some basic information of where the conversation should go.

My SA usually isn't _too_ bad while interacting with customers. But I hadn't been in a small group-discussion setting like this in years, and if I've _ever_ performed a role play without a script, it at least hasn't been since middle or elementary school. When my turn came, all I could manage to do was stammer out an apology, explaining that I had no idea how to do the role play. The instructor was friendly and tried helping me along, but I just completely shut down. After that, I was so embarrassed, that I couldn't focus on a single thing that the instructor said for the whole rest of the class -which lasted for another three hours!

So yeah...toast masters probably wasn't a great suggestion from my psychologist. I actually _can_ be an okay conversationalist, when it's just one-on-one, and if I feel like I know exactly what to talk about. Since therapy sometimes allows for those conditions, perhaps this psychologist was seeing a more socially capable version of myself than I'm usually able to project. I only ever saw him once though, at the behest of a doctor (to whom I had mentioned my history of depression).

Anways...sorry that this is so very, very long and so focused on my own issues. I guess I just have a lot of things that I have to get off my chest this week. I'm sad to hear that your goals for self-employment haven't been moving forward at all. That's definitely not an easy thing to accomplish, but it's good of you to at least try.

I know that I've suggested this before, but I really think that you might benefit from searching out some sort of gallery or cultural center. What kind of area is your part of Michigan like? Is it a small town or a big city? Or something kind of in between? I'm sure that you could find some sort of place, frequented by others who are into arts and crafts, even if you have to travel into a neighboring town.

I definitely don't want to be pushy about this, because I can obviously relate to the feelings of not wanting to go out and meet new people. But it sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands right now, and it would just be a shame if you let this part of your life slip by, without really taking advantage of it. I feel like if you could become friends with even just one other person who shares your interests, it could really help you a lot toward being more motivated.

Even if you don't become completely self-employed, I feel like, no matter what your level of artistic skill is at the moment, you could make a lot of progress towards these ends, just by surrounding yourself with one or two encouraging people. It might take a few years, but you could definitely get there.

I can relate though, to the desire of just having "as much fun as possible". I'm not a hedonist, but most of my own goals these days purely revolve around hobbies - movies, books, music, walks, museums. I've allowed myself the luxury of feeling productive when I put enough energy behind these things - perhaps because I failed so miserably at enjoying myself during adolescence.

What would having lots of fun mean for you? Just lots of time online? If so, no judgement there, because again, I can totally relate. But you might want to at least consider putting yourself in some artistic environments (if you aren't already). It doesn't have to be a social thing. You could just wander around, enjoying whatever cool things you might be able to find. Then, if you happen to come across someone else and are feeling bold, you'd at least have the option of making a connection.

Sorry again that I'm so long-winded tonight. Seriously - don't hesitate to tell me if I start rambling on too much. You said that you've completed at least one video for your website, right? Would you be up for sharing a link?


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Sorry if I didn't reply to everything. I did read your whole post, I just sometimes don't know what to reply. Your posts are fine if you don't mind me taking awhile to reply 

Know what you mean about it being hard to get out of a bad mood  The smallest things get me off track too. Some people it doesn't seem to affect, but I know the slightest change of plan can make me give up for the day or week.

That's weird your parents rearranged your room. Was it with the intention of being nice by cleaning or organizing? That would be surprising to come home to.

Our lot rent with water and sewer included is about 314, but it probably varies by area. Also you either have to buy a trailer(or double wide) or make payments on one. Strangely enough the crappier parks aren't much different in price. This place makes me nervous with all the rules about being charged if you don't maintain your lot every week, etc but I guess at least it keeps the place looking nice. I've slipped up at times and not been charged, so I'm probably over worrying. With our old trailer we had trouble with the pipes freezing. So if you ever seriously consider this option, make sure the heating tape works on your pipes. Otherwise everything has been great, except one of our neighbors at our new place occasionally reminds me about yard maintenance despite him probably breaking rules by having his dog out barking all the time.

Ever consider mutual funds? That's how I was investing money before I moved out and didn't have extra to invest. Might be the best option if you want diversity and don't have a ton to invest. I think Vanguard will let you invest in their Star Fund or something like that for about $1,000.

Yeah 80 hours a week is a ton :nw I managed to get one day recently of 9 hrs of productivity, but even if I could do that everyday that is only 63 hours a week. I don't know how some people do it. That sucks that he might be doing even worse because of the higher cost of living.

I hate group work as well  Sorry it went bad for you. At least you stuck it through and stayed for the rest. You should be at least proud of that, even if you had trouble focusing. I know there are people on SAS who would quit their job over something like that.

Good luck with the pharmacy. Facing these challenges will hopefully make other jobs easier.

I probably live in a mid sized city, but there are a couple other mid sized cities nearby. I would have too much anxiety to go to a gallery alone. Thanks, maybe I'll try someday. Would be nice to meet someone who shares my interests.

Lots of fun would mean going out and doing things. I already spend too much time online. Maybe making friends to do activities with.

In the new year I plan on working hard on crafting/ carving. Really want to be done with this disability stuff. Tired of having to put up with tons of useless medicines being used on me, etc. Also seems like my counselor is considering committing me(I'm sure along with my psychiatrist) if my depression keeps being this bad. While I'm sure that would help me get on disability, the idea of being stuck in a hospital for potentially 3 weeks or so terrifies me.

I don't really want to show the last couple videos I made. They are like watching paint dry. I guess I'll post one of the better nature videos I've filmed. Might get back into filming some for a nature related website.


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## eveningbat

Trust the people less. Putting too much trust in people is dangerous.


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## KILOBRAVO

I should have not been fooled into believing everything some people tell me , or have me believe.

however now I can rest assured safe in the knowledge that I had truth and honesty on my side and that my heart was pure ... and they only had deceit and distrust and manipulation.

However i will still remain to be trusting of people, because one person of my 2.5 years past... isnt going to make me change the person I am, or change the values i have....and abandon my good qualities. This is the lesson i have learned.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

No worries at all about occasionally taking awhile to write back. In fact, you probably reply much faster than I do, overall. My last message was definitely longer than I intended. But I've been having a hard time getting my thoughts together, these past few weeks. Sometimes, especially when I'm feeling out of it, I get really bogged down, revising, deleting, and starting over on messages. I'll spend _way_ too much time second-guessing myself, questioning what I should write about, and how I should phrase things. When I finished my last message, I wanted to prune things down - but I knew that if I spent any more time working on it, that I would just get caught in an endless circle of revision.

Thanks for sharing your video!  I hope you don't mind that I browsed through some of the earlier ones on your account as well. Your dog Ash is cute! Does she live with your parents?

It's cool to see how attuned you are to your surroundings. I've enjoyed walking around some nature trails lately, but would probably never notice, much less be able to identify, most of the plants and animals that I come across. Was that video shot near to where you live?

I haven't actually been to that rotating gallery in quite awhile. Every now and then, I'll be somewhere nearby and consider stepping in, but I've rarely followed through, in part because of SA. So I can definitely understand your hesitancy. But I do hope you can find the motivation to do some of the fun things that you're interested in.

One of the times that I did go to the gallery, a woman was exhibiting photos of butterflies that she had raised in her house. Personally, I'm kind of uncomfortable around bugs, but I enjoyed hearing her talk about them. How did you first get interested in nature? Is it something that your parents exposed you to a lot as a kid? I know you probably don't want to go through with anything like this right now, but have you ever considered - perhaps several years down the road - working or volunteering for a nature park of some sort?

I'm not actually familiar with mutual funds - despite my best efforts, finances completely baffle me - but I asked my parents about that, and it might be a good idea. So thanks!

Where I live, it wouldn't be possible to rent out an apartment for less than $1000 a month. If I increased my hours, I could probably make around that much, but then there wouldn't be _anything_ left over for food, gas, or other things. I may continue looking into the possibility of a trailer park, although even if I could find a good rate, that option would still be a ways off from becoming a reality, since I don't own a trailer.

I think that my parents were trying to be nice, when they rearranged my room. But they just don't always communicate with me very well. Apparently, since my younger brother is a sophomore in college, they wanted to turn his room into something that we could use whenever he's away. But that meant moving a bunch of his stuff into my room, taking out of some of my own furniture, and then boxing up a bunch of my stuff.

Thanks for your encouraging words about the group training session. It really was pretty awful and I wanted to leave. Unfortunately, things haven't been going much better. Day #4 at the pharmacy was my worst yet. It seemed that all of my co-workers were pretty overwhelmed themselves, with all of their own responsibilities. And since everyone was always busy, there was never a great chance for them to clearly explain things to me.

The really talkative supervisor - the one who brought me food on Thanksgiving and is also moving to the pharmacy - had warned me a while back that transferring could potentially be the wrong call. I think she could tell that my temperament wouldn't be a great match for the position. I decided to go ahead with it anyway, since my intention has been to only work in the pharmacy for a short while - but now I'm starting to think that I should have heeded her advice.

We actually got to texting - which is something that I almost never do - and she's been helping me think over whether I should stay in the pharmacy or not. I'll probably have to commit to the position for at least a few more weeks, but I may not stay long enough to get formally certified. It would be a disappointment to not go through with this, since I've had it planned out for so long. But unless they give me better training, I don't want to be in a position where a mistake could mean screwing up someone's medication.

That sounds horrible about being committed for depression! Is there any specific reason why your counselor has been suggesting that? I hope things get better!

I don't want to continually press you to do things, because I'm sure that it could get annoying, but perhaps if your depression really is that bad, then you should start on your "having fun" goals right away, just to see if you could pick up your spirits a little bit. This wouldn't have to mean giving up your dreams for self-employment, but perhaps you should take a day (or several) to just relax and do something that you enjoy. When was the last time that you went on a nature walk?


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## funnynihilist

thatsher said:


> I made a lot of mistakes since high school, I didn't take life seriously. I could have done tons of things differently but at the same time I feel like it's okay. Things happen for a reason, your mind changes and matures throughout the years. We all need to do mistakes or waste time to find out what's right for us.


Take heed to my warning. Some of us reach middle age and still never found what is right for us. :|


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## slyfox

@*Fox93*

Have been kind of busy lately, working on a two month goal of mine. The goal is for January and February, but I've permitted myself to start early. The goal is to work on arts and crafts for at least 180 hours and sell at least two pieces. I'm focusing mostly on wood carving. If I'm serious about this, there should be no excuse for failure because that is only 3 hours a day. If I fail I plan to focus on buying and reselling vintage and antique items for awhile and see if that works better for me. If I succeed I'll probably set a slightly harder goal for the next two months. So far I've gotten over 8 hours completed(carving practice, watching tutorials, etc). There are other things I need to work on so might need to take a break. Seems like with only requiring 3 hours a day I should be able to focus on other things too, but it is hard. No idea how other people get so much done 

Thanks, it's ok that you browsed my other videos. Yes Ash now lives with my parents. I see her probably once or twice a week. I should probably visit more often but I live about a half hour away and am trying to conserve gas.

Yeah that video was shot in a city that is really close by. I have trouble identifying a lot of animals too, or at least going into real specifics. My dad used to take me on nature walks a lot as a kid and we would catch and release a lot of the critters we found. With problems I have, I wouldn't really feel comfortable volunteering at a nature park. I find it stressful enough a lot of times just to go grocery shopping, etc. Nice suggestion though.

Thanks, yeah I really need to balance my life better and get more fun into it. Intimidated by other people's skill levels as far as going to galleries. I also like seeing amazing pieces of art, but I'm not good a looking at a piece for a long time like a lot of people do and discussing it.

Definitely keep looking into mutual funds if your parents know about them. Not sure how things have changed but you might be able to invest in mutual funds with a Roth IRA and have it be tax free if you don't touch it until retirement. My dad knows more about this stuff.

Ok on your room. Wonder if your brother knows they are changing his room into something else. He might get a surprise as well lol

How are things going with the pharmacy? Hope they've improved somewhat. The pharmacy does seem like a great opportunity, but if you don't plan to stay there long term or find work at another pharmacy might be best to take the supervisors advice. No idea if things have changed, but it is great that you've been sticking with it.

I think he's been considering committing me mostly because of the extent I've been focusing on things being pointless/hopeless lately. Even though I'm working towards self-employment goals it seems hopeless. I would have to sell a ton of things daily just to make minimum wage. Seems unlikely and doubt I'll be making more expensive items anytime soon. There were a couple days where I was really depressed and my Mom wanted to talk to my counselor on the phone. I let her after giving him permission. On the phone he didn't specifically mention committing me, but said something might have to be done if I keep having these extreme periods of depression. He said this when I was explaining why my mom would like to talk to him. Going to the hospital is all I could think he might mean since I'm already on medication and already see him once a week. I can guarantee going to the hospital is not going to make things better for me 

Yeah I should probably try to have more fun and balance things better. I haven't been on a nature walk in quite awhile. Not really a big fan of the weather right now, but maybe I can get out on a warmer day. Sometimes carving and other things for my self-employment goals can be fun too. Depends if I'm in the mood or just forcing myself to get time in.

Hope Your Holiday went well. Have a happy New Year!


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Good luck on your carvings! Would you be up for posting some pictures of what you work on? I doesn't matter how well they come out; I'm just curious to see them. 

I can't say that I'm great at analyzing art either, but it's certainly fun to look at. Do you mind me asking why grocery shopping is stressful for you? I used to be terrified of going into any kind of store by myself, but in recent years, it hasn't bothered me so much. I can understand being afraid of public places, if you feel like everyone's looking at you, or if you feel like you don't belong there. Small specialty stores, (like comic or record stores) can still be intimidating for me. But basic retail stores, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. aren't a problem, since I find it easy enough to blend into the crowd.

The pharmacy is still very stressful. Unfortunately, I've been fighting a terrible cold this week, so that's only made things worse. I went to a special "on the job" training session at another store recently, and that went fairly well - but mainly just because it didn't have a drive-through window. At my own store, I'm expected to go back-and-forth between the drive-through and in-store registers. I'm not going to quit yet, but it's hard to say how long I'll stick around.

I'm afraid that I'm not feeling very talkative right now. It's been a lot harder to write lately. Keep me posted on what's going on with you though, and I hope that your depression gets better. I can imagine that the fear of being hospitalized is probably only making things worse for you. When was the last time that you really had a lot fun? I feel like if you could come up with something energizing to do, even if it isn't productive in and of itself, it will help you to feel more motivated in other things.


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Ok , I'll try to post some eventually. Might post them on a deviantart account, even though most are practice.

Grocery stores are stressful because of social anxiety, fear of running into people I know, back problems, irritable bowel problems, and problems using public restrooms. Usually things go fine but I'm always stressed worrying about the times they won't go fine. I prefer to go to grocery stores at like 1-3am when I can to avoid people. Makes the idea of selling art and crafts at a show seem potentially horrible.

Good to hear things are going good for you in bigger stores. I know what you mean with small specialty stores. If I'm just shopping around and not sure specifically what I want I'm afraid to go in those, because I know employees will be bugging me asking what I want, etc.

Hope your cold is better and your New Years Eve went well. I just stayed home, but relaxed a little. Plan to relax more today. That must be really stressful doing the drive-thru and regular counter.

That's fine if you need a bit of a break. I'll keep in contact if I don't hear from you for awhile. Sometimes I find carving really fun. Depends on my mood. It's fun shopping for tools and wood sometimes too, but I shouldn't be spending much.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Well...yesterday was genuinely horrible. Since it was the last day of the year, we had far more customers than normal, as lots of people were trying to fill prescriptions before their new deductibles set in. I've yet to receive any clear training on how to process prescriptions, so I've only ever worked the "Pick-Up" station in-store. But since people drop off prescriptions at the drive-through, I'm expected to enter some basic information for them there (and then someone else will finish out the process later). Whenever I get a prescription, I always show it to the pharmacist to make sure that we have the medication in-stock. Technically, I think I'm only supposed to do this with narcotics. But since no one has ever trained me to identify narcotics, I've just been doing it everything.

Yesterday, we had a "substitute pharmacist" that I had never met before. At one point, a woman dropped off six prescriptions for me at the drive-through. She made a very big deal about how she needed all them filled by the end of the day, and stayed at the drive-through window until the pharmacist confirmed that we had everything in stock. When I told the customer that we could only fill five of the prescriptions, she took the sixth back, so that she could get it filled at a separate location - rather than leaving it with us and waiting a few days until we got a shipment of new stock. Clearly, it was very important to her that she got everything filled before the new year.

When the customer returned for her medication, she came into the store. One of the five prescriptions wasn't filled, on account of needing prior authorization from her insurance company. Apparently, the pharmacist or one of my regular co-workers had contacted the company, and we were still waiting to hear back. This kind of thing has happened a few times before, so it wasn't a huge surprise for me, and I don't think that the customer was too bothered by it.

Where the problem comes in, is that two or three of her prescriptions had notes attached to them, saying "Expired". In the three or so weeks that I've been working at the pharmacy, I've _never_ seen anything like this before, nor do I remember anything being said about it during the training class that I went to (of course, I was too anxious to focus for much of that class, so perhaps it did come up, and I simply didn't catch it - that's possible). Even now, I still don't really know what it means for a prescription to be "expired". I've had a few customers ask for refills on medication that they've already been receiving, only to discover that their original prescription is expired - that scenario makes sense to me, since the original prescription would have to have been written at least before the customer received their first fill of medication. But since this particular woman was dropping off a brand new prescription yesterday, then I don't understand how it could have already expired, before she even received her first fill. The only thing that I can think of, is that she had received the prescription a long time ago, and then never bothered to have it filled until yesterday.

I used to take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication, but I haven't been on anything since high school. Since my parents typically picked up the prescriptions for me, I've never really gone through the process of having a prescription filled, and thus, probably know a lot less than the average person about this sort of thing. Do you have any idea of what was going on here?

Anyways, when the customer saw that her prescriptions were expired, she got really upset and almost started crying. She asked to speak with the head pharmacist, and then demanded to know why the problem wasn't pointed out to her when she first dropped off the prescriptions. I felt bad for the woman, because I remembered how she had made big deal about needing everything filled before the end of the day, and how she had asked us to make sure that everything checked-out before she left. But I also felt bad for the pharmacist, because I knew how ridiculously busy things were yesterday, and since there were six prescriptions in all (I've never seen anyone drop off that many before), it's easy for me to understand how the pharmacist missed that some of them were expired. Had I been more experienced, I may have been able to notice the problem for myself. And since the pharmacist was a substitute, she probably didn't realize how little training I had. Given how busy things were, I imagine that the pharmacist was counting on me to make sure that none of the prescriptions were expired, but of course, I still don't even understand what this _means_, much less did I know that that it was something I should have been watching out for.

So it was just a big problem of misunderstandings - something that I think the customer could have understood and more or less gotten over, had the situation been properly explained. But what happened next was really unexpected. Upon being confronted by the customer, the pharmacist tried shifting the blame onto me, saying that I never showed her the prescriptions that were expired. Now, I've made, _many_ mistakes on this job, and I'll own up to them. But I can say confidently that I showed the pharmacist all six prescriptions. And when I told her as much, the customer actually came to my defense, saying that she saw for herself that I took all six prescriptions directly to the pharmacist. Then the two of them got into a heated argument. The customer accused the pharmacist of throwing me under the bus, and then went so far as to declare that she would be filing a report with one of my store's regular pharmacists. All the while, there was a long line of people behind her, witnessing all of this.

I'm certainly glad that the customer came to my defense, because it was horrifying and humiliating to have my boss blame me for something that I didn't do. But I'm sad that the situation got so far out of control. It was nerve-wracking to have to stand there and just watch them fight. And while I'm clearly upset with how the substitute pharmacist handled the situation, I realize that she was under a great deal of stress and don't think that she deserves to face any _serious_ consequences. I really hope that nothing is said about this by my regular pharmacist when I go back into work next week.

Thankfully, I have the next few days off, but much to my horror, I've been scheduled for over thirty hours next week (which is over part-time). I'm getting much longer shifts in the pharmacy then I generally received on the front register. Actually, the above-mentioned incident happened square in the middle of a nine-hour shift yesterday, so I had to suffer through another four or five hours of awkwardly working alongside the substitute pharmacist, after all this happened. To make matters worse, the two of us were scheduled to close the pharmacy alone together, as my regular co-workers got off a few hours earlier than us. Thankfully, the pharmacist wasn't mean to me or anything, and we were able to interact throughout the rest of the day without things being _too_ uncomfortable.

One nice surprise, is that in the last hour, some other guy who I had never seen before showed up and just started working along side us. At first it was really weird, because the two times that I've closed the pharmacy in the past, it's just been the pharmacist and myself. This guy showed up unannounced and unintroduced. I can only imagine that the substitute pharmacist called him in herself, either because she was emotionally overwhelmed and needed a friend around or because her workload was still so great, that she needed someone with better training to assist her. The two of them seemed like they might have known each other, but I'm not sure what the relationship was. Whoever he was, it was just a relief to have a third person there, especially someone who hadn't been present for the incident in the middle of the day. The guy was actually very nice and patient with me, explaining things more clearly than most of the people that I've encountered in the pharmacy (although some of that may have had to do with the fact that we didn't have many customers in the last hour). Oh, and he had a cool Australian (or possibly New Zealand) accent, which is always a plus, haha.

I wouldn't let one crazy day like this cause me to quit, but taken with all of the other negative experiences I've had in the pharmacy, I think that it might be about time for me to hand in my resignation.

Hope you had a good Christmas and New Years! My brothers and sister-in-law have been in town, and so despite this month having been a horrible way to close out the year for me, I've at least enjoyed their company. I'll actually be flying up to Illinois to visit my older brother and his wife at their own place in a couple weeks. I haven't been there since my dad and I first helped them move in a couple Summers ago, and since they plan on moving back to my area after the current school year - my older brother is attending grad school there - this will be my last chance to visit them up there.

Sorry that I've gone on so long, once again. I suppose that I just have a harder time organizing my thoughts when I'm depressed, which either means long and rambling posts, like this one, or really short posts, like the one above.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Saw your PM. Yeah, it looks like we posted right around the same time. Thanks for the kind wishes, and I'll look forward toward any pictures that you upload here or on deviantart (although I'll need a link to your account there).

I really needed to vent about work yesterday, so thanks for being willing to go through yet another one of my overly long posts. Depending on whether my thoughts are coming together, I may continue posting on this thread over the coming weeks, or I may take a bit of a break. But definitely keep in touch either way!

That makes sense how shopping would be more difficult with your health problems. And I suppose that, since I was homeschooled during high school, running into people I know isn't as much of a problem for me. But I can see how that could be stressful, if you still know a lot of people in your city.

Hope you find carving relaxing and that you're able to stay motivated with it!

P.S.

Have you ever heard of an app called Periscope? I saw it on the Colbert show recently and have become kind of fascinated with it. It allows people to watch or film live video streams that are being broadcast all around the world. The viewers can interact with the person filming, by sending short messages that pop up on the screen. I find it kind of surreal and enjoy being able to peer briefly into someone else's life. Sometimes I'll just ask silly questions to see how the person will react, and other times I'll ask more serious questions, in order to learn something about the person. Since it's a one way screen, there's little legitimate reason to feel any social anxiety - but it can still be a little intimidating at first.

Although it's nothing more than a neat diversion for me personally, I did get to wondering whether an app like this could be beneficial for someone with really serious SA. I remember reading about how virtual reality systems, like the Oculus Rift, are being developed to have therapeutic applications. If someone is afraid of flying for example, then they could go on a virtual airplane. Perhaps if someone is afraid of socializing, then it might help for them to have a "virtual conversation", so to speak. Being able to see and hear another person react to you in real time, without them being able to see or hear you in return, could possibly serve as a good environment for practicing conversation. I don't know whether something like this would be helpful or interesting to you. But another thought is that if you're still interested in filming YouTube videos and feel like you ought to appear in them, then you could work your way up by starting with Periscope. Unless I'm mistaken, the videos are only available for 24 hours, before disappearing entirely. So you could do a live stream for a few minutes, answer whatever questions pop up, and then rest comfortably in the knowledge that by the end of the day, the video will be gone forever - but then you'd at least have the practice of appearing on camera.

Just a thought anyway.


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## slyfox

@Fox93

To add on to what I sent in the PM, it's good that the customer didn't take it out too much on you. I'm not sure what expired would mean on the prescriptions. Best guess would be that sometimes there is an expiration date on refills. Just looking at some of my prescriptions now looks like I might've missed the expiration date on some refills. I'll have to call for new ones.

That's good the guy with an accent was helpful. A pharmacy job would seem exceptionally stressful if your coworkers weren't very helpful when you were new.

Yeah I would share the deviantart link. Probably would be easier to have everything on there since I was planning to create an account anyway.

Periscope sounds like a nice idea for some people. I don't have a smartphone and at the moment people asking me questions would be way too terrifying. Good to here you are finding it helpful. I imagine the asking questions can even be challenging sometimes with SA. I've kind of put youtube and a website on the back burner for now(yeah I know I jump all over the place on things lol). Maybe I'll eventually create an art site and have some youtube tutorials.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Yeah, it would make sense for refills to expire. But patients wouldn't receive new paper prescriptions for refills, would they? The woman in this situation was dropping off new prescriptions. So...:stu

I went into the pharmacy yesterday with the full intention of giving my two weeks notice. But then, wouldn't you know it, I found myself with a sudden burst of energy and much greater focus than I've ever had on the job before - I can only attribute this to the firm resolve of having decided that I would quit though. If I were to try explaining it, I would just say that the idea of quitting filled me with such dread - because that's not exactly an easy conversation to have - that I had to put myself into a very specific mindset in order to follow-through. And ironically, being in that mindset made the job much more bearable. The knowledge that I would be leaving for Illinois at the end of the week and that fairly soon, I wouldn't be interacting with any of these people ever again, also made it much easier for me to approach my co-workers. And on top of all that, the shift was quite a bit shorter than most of the ones that I've been working lately.

I started to remember why the pharmacy had even seemed like an interesting opportunity in the first place. I really do like learning new things, and the idea of being in a position that actually makes a positive impact on people's lives is appealing to me. Even if the pharmacy had been smooth sailing from the very beginning, it's not necessarily the kind of job that I would want to do for more than a few months. But I did start to question whether quitting right away was the best option.

As a funny aside, one of my co-workers disappeared for about an hour in the middle of the day. He had been off on his lunch break, but we only get half-an-hour for lunch. There had been no prior notice that he would be staying out longer, and he never called or texted to say where he was. Puzzled, but not angry, one of my other co-workers started joking about how the absent guy might have simply concluded that the stress wasn't worth putting up with anymore and quit on the spot. It was pretty amusing, given the timing. At least I planned on handing in a two weeks notice, haha. When the guy finally showed up, he simply made a vague comment about how he had to stop by his college for something...and that was that! No one gave him a hard time or anything. It's pretty cool, I think, that my boss just let him off the hook. Some people might be angry, I guess, if their co-worker stayed out late, but the pharmacy can be such a blur, and I've worked under such worse conditions, that it didn't matter at all to me. Plus, of all my regular co-workers, this guy has actually been the most helpful in explaining things to me. He started in the position just a few months before myself, and I've always found that people who are new to a subject often to explain it much better than those who have been familiar with it for a long time.

Anyways, the pharmacist actually seemed to notice that I was handling the job fairly well yesterday and made a few comments about how I was really nice to the customers. She also said that I seemed to be handling the stress of the job really well.

:shock

That...wasn't what I had been wanting hear. Although flattering, it really caught me off guard. Trying to then explain that, in fact, I haven't been handling the stress well at all was quite a bit harder at that point. My plan was to wait until the end of my shift, before talking with the pharmacist about my intentions of quitting. But once she made this comment, I felt like it would be best to just launch into things. And I completely fumbled.

A customer pulled up to the drive-through as I was in the middle of talking with the pharmacist, and as luck would have it, the customer was dropping off prescriptions - which again, is an area of the job for which I've only received minimal training. Over the last few days, I've actually been starting to get a handle on the drive-through drop-offs, but I felt shaken up by my attempt at talking with the pharmacist. One of the many stressful things about this job is that a sort of "sensory overload" is pretty easy to experience. There are just so many things going on at once. Since I'm still slow at processing dropped-off prescriptions, and since there's a lot of information that I have to write down - much of which can be simply found on the pharmacy's computer - I'll occasionally let the customer at the drive-through leave before I've finished everything for them. But that's almost always a mistake, because there's often another car waiting in line. There's this recorded message that typically plays whenever a car drives up, and phone calls are coming in all the time. So all of a sudden, I've got one patient's prescriptions that I haven't finished processing, with another patient waiting at the window; the recorded message starts up; the phone is ringing, the pharmacist is talking on one of the other phone lines a few feet away from me, and one of my co-workers is ringing up an in-store customer right around the corner. All the while, I've got any number of non-work-related anxieties running through my head. In a moment like that, it's very easy for me to completely shut down. I'll just stand there confused and overwhelmed, and when I finally rouse myself to do _something_, I'll typically screw it up. That's kind of what happened last night, after trying to tell the pharmacist how I felt about the job.

Because the day had started out so well, and because I'm so, _so_ bad at having this sort of conversation, I told the pharmacist that I _wasn't_ planning on quitting, but that I was simply feeling a lot of stress with the job and that I wasn't sure "how long" I would be able to stay with it. Any thoughts of giving the job a second try pretty much evaporated though, as my shift was coming to a close. The clear and focused mindset that I had started the shift off with vanished in an instant, and I realized that while I might have good days on this job, my emotional state is probably just too fragile for me to maintain a consistently good performance in this kind of environment.

So before leaving last night, I talked with the pharmacist a second time and stressed that while I wasn't going to quit _right away_, I had serious doubts about committing long term. I also asked her how long the training process usually takes and was shocked to hear that there's usually a _nine month period_ between starting off as a pharmacy tech trainee and becoming certified. One of my co-workers started all the way back in April, and _he_ hasn't even been certified yet! I had been thinking that the training process would simply entail attending a few classes and studying for a simple test, and even _that_ seemed like more than I would be able to handle - but nine months! :eek

It's actually a relief, in a way, to learn that becoming a pharmacy tech takes such a long process. Because that really helps to reinforce my intentions of leaving. If I could finish all of my training in a few months, then it might be tempting to stay for a little while longer. But I like I said above, even if the job hadn't been so stressful, there's just no scenario in which I've ever imagined working in a pharmacy for more than a little while.


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## slyfox

Yeah that is very weird if she was handing in new prescriptions. I have no idea.

I can relate on it being easier to deal work than to give two weeks notice. I stayed with a job I hated for many years. I even tried to quit once, and they convinced me to stay on a reduced schedule. With as many problems as I had(attendance, etc) I bet they regretted it.

That's good that the guy who has been helpful to you didn't get in trouble for disappearing. Might be too that they are desperate not to be losing any pharmacy employees at this time. Also makes sense about newer employees in a way being better teachers. He recently went through the same problems as you, so he knows what was difficult and confusing. He probably can still relate to the stress starting there as well.

So I'm guessing nothing came of that incident with that woman right before the new year? I bet that was a relief.

Nine months would be a long time to stick around with as much as the position has been stressing you. It does sound very hectic. That's good that you were able to discuss this with the pharmacist. Did they seem to take it well that you might not be there long-term?

Best of luck today! I need to get back to bed. Unless I weasel out of it again I'm supposed to talk with lawyers today about disability with my parents. Gives me anxiety and the whole thing seems confusing and hopeless. It does seem like nothing compared to what you go through everyday, but my anxiety about the calls is making it hard to get anything done. So easy to keep procrastinating.

To get back to the original topic of this post, I could've called lawyers earlier this week and been over with it. I did do some cleaning, but if I was going to put off calling lawyers I could have done even more organizing to make up for it.


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## slyfox

@Fox93 forgot to mention you. Hope things are going better


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Well...I'm exhausted. These past couple months have really been a whirlwind to get through. Sorry that I haven't posted anything in so long. I wanted to wait until I had a clearer sense of which direction I would be going in for the new year. Hopefully, in my attempt to catch you up on everything, I won't create a wall of text, spanning the entirety of your computer screen, but...knowing me, I might. 

Actually, I think that one of the reasons behind why my posts started swelling to such verbose lengths is that I enjoy using this thread for dual purposes - both as a means of communicating with you and also as a vehicle for chronicling my own thoughts. I've always been interested in keeping a journal, and briefly did so in high school, but have never been able commit to something like that. Having someone on the other end, waiting for me to respond, makes a good motivation for keeping with it. And so I suppose that at times, I've gone into a lot more detail than is relevant to you, simply because what I'm writing about is something that I want to remember - e.g. I imagine that a year from now, the memory of the nice Australian man who showed up on New Year's Eve could become overshadowed by the central incident which made that night so horrible. It's nice having a place where I can go back and refresh myself of the more pleasant details that occurred in the midst of an emotional storm.

The flip side to this is that somethings aren't _worth_ remembering. One of the blessings of time is that it can peel off the coarser layers of an event, until the memories aren't all that bad. Or at least, it's done so before in my own experience. And so I've thought to myself this past month - _Do I really want to preserve detailed memories of all the stress and anxiety that I've been experiencing at the pharmacy?_

Yes, I'm _still_ at the pharmacy, though I've tried to leave. My time in Illinois was a much needed chance to relax and get my thoughts in order. While there, I resolved that I would definitely quit. A few days after getting back home, I went to the store manager, and launched into what I had intended to serve as my two week's notice. Unfortunately, I hadn't thought to give him any prior indication of my doubts regarding the position beforehand, and so it really seemed to catch him off guard. In answer to your question - when I talked with the head pharmacist last month about how I wasn't comfortable committing to the job long term, she seemed disappointed and a little bit surprised. The same could be said for the store manager's response. He was incredibly kind and encouraging about the matter though, and convinced me to stick around a little while longer. In the long run, leaving right then and there might have been the better option for me. But my manager really wanted me to stay. He praised my work ethic and told me that if I still wasn't comfortable with the position later on down the road, he would let me transfer back to the front register. He also explained that there are two different tiers, so to speak, in becoming a certified Pharmacy Tech. The nine month time table that I referred to earlier is for becoming officially licensed, either on a state or national level. But I can become certified within the store's framework much earlier than that. All I have to do is finish my training classes. At that point, I would receive a small raise and be promoted from Pharmacy Tech Trainee to Pharmacy Tech. If I wanted to stay in the position for a while longer, then I would be expected to eventually test for the official license. But I know that I can't hang in with this much longer than the end of February. It's been a real challenge to stay as long as I have, and I doubt that I ever would have let myself be talked out of quitting, if my boss weren't a genuinely nice guy, whom I didn't want to disappoint.

I went to my second training class this past Monday and have my final one scheduled for tomorrow. So hopefully, by next week , I can start reevaluating things. There might be a test that I have to take, before receiving the promotion, but if so, it won't be as intensive as the one for the official license. I have no idea whether I'll get to keep the raise upon transferring back to the front register (probably not), but at the very least, getting the store's certification is sure to look good on a resume.

I actually feel like I've more or less gotten a handle on interacting with customers in the pharmacy. Ironically, what with my SA and all, I find that aspect of the job to be the easiest - well, other than restocking medicine shelves I guess. But I don't feel like anyone's trained me very well when it comes to handling insurance. People have "shown" me what do do, and I've tried asking lots of questions, but they tend to blow through their "examples" so quickly, that I fail to retain much of anything. And their answers tend to be incredibly vague. It will probably take me quite awhile longer in order to fully understand this aspect of the job. In fact, I have to wonder whether I'll even still in be in the pharmacy long enough to master it - which is kind of ironic, given that handling insurance is what I was most curious to learn about from the pharmacy. But..oh well.



slyfox said:


> Best of luck today! I need to get back to bed. Unless I weasel out of it again I'm supposed to talk with lawyers today about disability with my parents. Gives me anxiety and the whole thing seems confusing and hopeless. It does seem like nothing compared to what you go through everyday, but my anxiety about the calls is making it hard to get anything done. So easy to keep procrastinating.


Things have been super stressful for me lately, but don't shortchange yourself. Bad health and lawyer problems are two things that no one would envy. I'd probably would have procrastinated too. How did this go? I really hope that the ball is at least moving in the right direction for you.

And how's your two-month goal going? Any pictures up on Deviantart yet?

Sorry again for the month-long disappearance. I had hoped to write a couple weeks ago, but as has been typical of this job, I've been hit with a ridiculous amount of overtime lately. I'll definitely try to keep in better touch.


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## slyfox

@Fox93

It's not a problem on taking awhile to reply. If it went a lot longer I was planning to check in on how you were doing though. I haven't been feeling up to much myself lately.

Glad these convos are helpful for you with remembering. A lot of times I wish I had kept a journal as well. I sometimes have trouble placing things from the pas in chronological order.

I've experienced the same with being talked out of quitting. The first time I tried quitting my old job I was talked out of it and ended up working there for years after. Your job does sound better though with potential for raises. If you can manage it does sound like a good opportunity. Good luck with getting the store certification and the official one if you go that far. I find things related to insurance confusing as well. Hope it becomes easier for you, but insurance seems like something that is constantly changing.

I hired an attorney but I won't be seeing him again until April. Sorry on no pictures on Deviantart. I haven't been doing much art lately. I was getting a good start on my goal but abandoned it deciding to focus on improving my health and other areas of my life.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

So.......I'm still alive, haha. It _definitely_ wasn't my intention to let so much time pass by, without ever responding to you here. I'm genuinely sorry that I haven't kept in touch. This whole past year has been a constant challenge for me. I kept intending to make a new post here...but like I said back when I last touched in, some things just aren't worth remembering in detail - as much as I've appreciated your emotional support, I wouldn't have wanted to chronicle everything that happened in the pharmacy; better that I let most of those experiences fade out of memory.

That said, I didn't actually stay in the pharmacy for all that long. I transferred back to my original, retail position at CVS towards the end of March. Then left the company altogether in late May. I had been planning on returning to this thread, as soon as I could report on having a new job. But, well...I still haven't found one.

Upon leaving CVS, I had already put in a couple applications for jobs, within what they call "the sharing economy". I haven't told you about this pipe dream before, have I? I've looked back over our most recent exchanges and remember most of our conversation - but apologies if I wind up repeating myself about some things, or forget a few details of what you had shared with me.

Anyways, have you ever heard of the sharing economy before? It refers to jobs like Uber, where you work as a freelancer, typically connecting with clients through an app. I wouldn't want to do Uber specifically; driving with strangers in the car would be awfully uncomfortable, right? But there are all kinds of alternatives. The two companies that seemed most appealing to me as potential jobs are called InstaCart and TaskRabbit. InstaCart is where you basically just do people's grocery shopping for them and then deliver the food to each client's house. TaskRabbit is for more general errands and such. People who are more handy than I am could use TaskRabbit to find jobs building furniture, or say, a backyard fence. It could also be used to find cleaning jobs, or pet sitting jobs, or data entry jobs - essentially anything you could think of. I was mainly hoping to use it for doing people's shopping and running deliveries - so basically, the same as InstaCart, but for more than just groceries.

Both of these seem to offer pretty good pay - of course, the company would have taken a cut of my earnings, and getting enough hours would have been a challenge. Still, I would have accepted a less-than-reliable income, in exchange for a job that could be done mostly on my own. It can be a challenge to get one of these jobs though. Yes, it's freelance work, and you don't have to go through a formal interview process, but these companies still want to make sure that they're hiring people who can represent them well - which makes sense. For whatever reason, TaskRabbit never called me back. And even though I applied for InstaCart in March, I didn't receive a response from them until mid-Summer.

At that point, InstaCart invited me to do a test-run of sorts. We met inside a grocery store, and a trainer explained how the app works to a small group of us applicants. Then we were each given a practice list, and they evaluated our efficiency at locating the correct items. Seems simple enough...but the store we met in wasn't in my immediate town. So I didn't have any familiarity with the layout. I also don't have any experience in buying individual pieces of produce. Whenever I buy fruits or veggies, I just get a whole bag of them. The list we were given though, had items like "a single bell pepper". Of course, the company would want us to get the best possible items for customers. So, even though it was just a practice round, I spent a lot of time trying to determine which pieces of fruit to select - which is something that I had never done for myself while shopping, so you know...it threw my time off.

I didn't finish quickly enough. So I didn't get a job. Honestly though, even if InstaCart had given me an offer, it might not have worked out anyway. A lot of these sharing economy services haven't expanded outside of major cities yet. There's a major metropolitan area about forty minutes away from me, which is where we met for the training session. But I live in a mid-sized city. So I probably would have had to travel a lot.

That was back in...I want to say July. And apparently, within the past month or so, InstaCart has started up within my own city. So I might give another go at it. But I'll probably wind up just doing something else in retail. I've been unemployed for far too long and don't have any savings left from CVS. At this point, I'll have to accept more or less any job that I can get.

So yeah - that's the overview of what's been going on with me. Tons more that I could talk about, but as always, I've already gone on long enough. What's new with you? Any developments on your disability hearing? And did you ever get a deviantart account set up? I hope that at least a few things have been moving forward for you!

I don't know just how involved I'll be here going forward, but I hope to stay in touch! At the very least, I wanted to assure you that I didn't, like, die or anything - and that I wasn't intentionally ignoring you. I've just had a lot to deal with lately.


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## slyfox

@Fox93 Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear things aren't going great for you. It's ok if you take long to reply back.

Those sharing economy type of jobs sound interesting. I'll have to look at the sites you mentioned, but I don't exactly like that there would be an interview process either.

Sorry the interview for the shopping job didn't go well. Even though I buy things individually a lot I could see myself being just as slow. I tend to inspect things like green peppers a lot and have a hard time picking a good one. I guess if you try again, just consider that most people are less picky than us and try to just pick produce that doesn't look terrible.

I live in a community/trailer park. Hate to call it a trailer park though because people view those so negatively and it is mostly fancier doublewides anyway. Well anyway there is a guy who charges people to mow their lawns and snow blow their driveways. Almost wonder if I would get some takers if I offered to shop for people around here. I don't know anyone here though and think it might cause me a lot of anxiety. You might want to consider doing it yourself without those sites.

I lost my disability hearing. The judge's vocational expert even said no one would hire me with a problem I had. The judge chose to ignore this though and also ignored what my current psychiatrist and counselor said in a letter. He chose to focus on my first psychiatrist who hadn't understood and recorded my problems properly.

My attorney said he could tell the judge disliked me when I admitted to living in a dirty house with my girlfriend(who is also disabled) and having trouble keeping up with things. I thought answering honestly on that was a good thing considering it proves my back problems and depression make it hard for me to keep up with things.

Wish the attorney had gone over things the judge might ask me  The attorney just focused on me explaining one of my psychiatric problems. He always rushed our meetings. My attorney is helping me to appeal but he doesn't think I have a good shot  Wish I could get a different attorney, but I had a hard time getting this one because of what my first psychiatrist reported and doubt I could find someone else willing to appeal a case that lost once already.

My attorney said I should try to find work since he doesn't have high hopes for the appeal and it might take over a year. Anyway I don't feel I can go back to work  . With my problems I would rather work at slave like wages at home.

I've been planning to try to sell art and crafts online even though that would be hard to make a living at with my current skill level. The problem is I lack energy to get anything done and I feel intimidated by selling things(i worry about negative reviews, shipping problems, etc). For now I've been cleaning up the clutter in my house so I can work easier and find some of my craft supplies that are missing.

I've also been breeding some invertebrates(mealworms, etc) and propagating some plants to potentially sell, but as said things really intimidate me. I really worry about shipping live things. People do it all the time, but if something goes wrong people will slap you with negative reviews.

Good luck to you with finding work. Thanks again for replying


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## sad1231234

I never really had a chance to choose what to do with my life.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

I hope you don't mind that I've been skimming through a handful of your posts from last Fall - just curious to see what you've been up to lately. I'm so sorry to see that your mom passed away early last year. That must still be really difficult for you and your dad.

That's awful about the disability hearing as well. Any idea what you're going to do, if the appeal doesn't work out?

When the "judge's vocational expert" acknowledged that you would have trouble finding work - was this something that was said during the official hearing? How did the judge respond to that? Has anyone offered you advice on how to best manage a job with your health problems?

The sharing economy probably wouldn't make for a long-term solution - but I would definitely recommend looking into it! If nothing else, it could serve as a source of some temporary income, until you find something more stable. I remember you mentioning that grocery shopping can be kind of stressful for you - but something like InstaCart still might have some advantages over a more formal job. And so long as you pass the test-run, you don't have to go through any kind of interview. Actually, there's a chance that you might have an easier time with it than I did, since - considering that I still live with my parents and all - you've probably had more experience than me, when it comes to buying your own groceries, haha. Even if you don't pass the test, they seem to let people try again. And there are all kinds of other companies within the sharing economy that might be worth considering.

Did you ever get a Deviantart account set up? You had been talking about the possibility of doing that, before I left - but I know that plans don't always work out. I'd still love to see one of your carvings or drawings, if you have anything that you'd like to share.


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* 
Thanks, it has been hard. My dad has been keeping busy with things like volunteer work.

Yes, the vocational expert said this right in front of the judge. The judge asked her a variety of scenarios with my problems from least to worst and what jobs I could get. When he got to the scenarios with my germaphobia preventing me from using public restrooms, she acknowledged that employers wouldn't tolerate giving me extra long breaks to disinfect toilets to my standards. My attorney even asked her to repeat this to make sure it was clear.

The judge sends you a written decision after the hearing, so he didn't comment on this during the hearing. When he wrote the decision he only refereed to the first scenarios where she said some employers would hire me and ignored the scenarios with the worst of my problems. This is one of the reasons my attorney is appealing.

I'm doubtful things will go well though, because as stupid as it is there is a high chance I will get the same judge. The judge will just have orders from the appeals council to reconsider the evidence from the vocational expert, etc. Not sure how much good that would do, because I'm sure he intentionally ignored it. He also ignored the letter from my current counselor and psychiatrist. He said in the decision that the letter didn't matter because my counselor wasn't qualified enough. He ignored the fact that my psychiatrist had signed it. My counselor and psychiatrist work at the same place.

I plan to continue to work on seeing if I can become self-employed. if I'm not bringing in any money(even a small amount) and my appeal fails, I might have to consider applying for jobs. I don't think I will be able to keep a job long term and it will increase my suicidal thoughts. But I don't think my dad will be understanding if I don't(he helps me some with money) and I also feel guilty about all of the help I get from him.

Yeah I don't know if the sharing economy would work for me. I still need to look into the one site that you said had a variety of jobs.

Right now am focusing on selling crafts and maybe invertebrates and plants. Over the weekend bought some cherry shrimp with my dad, which are supposed to be pretty easy to breed and have some demand. The problem with breeding invertebrates or really any animal is it takes awhile and you don't know how successful it will be.

The mealworms and superworms I've been breeding are the only things delivering offspring so far. I just don't have enough yet to sell. I purchased some more breeding stock though and they should be turning into adults/beetles soon. Some of the aquatic plants/macro algae I have are propagating as well. The problem is it is going too slow and non of these are worth that much money in these small of amounts. I could up the scale but my dad isn't super willing on that and I don't really want to invest a ton of money until I know I can sell. There are a lot more invertebrate I could try to breed but my Dad is worried I'll end up with a mess at his house and my girlfriend isn't very willing to have them in our home.

Also I'm more intimidated by shipping live animals than I am about shipping crafts. Might try to sell some of the live animals on craigslist first, but I'm worried I'll waste gas money trying to meet flaky people at public places.

Do wonder if animal breeding is the way to go though, since I lack confidence in my art/craft skills. Also it would give me an excuse(once I make some sales) to try some of the more expensive projects I've wanted to try like propagating coral. Might have to experiment with both crafts and animal/plant breeding/propagating until I see what works.

Sorry for the long post. Hope you have a good week.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

I remember you mentioning OCD as an issue, so I imagine that your fear of using public restrooms is tied up with that, right? Has this phobia only developed within the last few years, or did all of your previous jobs allow you enough time to use disinfectants?

What was the response to your back problems, during the hearing?

Good luck with becoming self-employed! I know that you've been striving towards that for awhile - do you plan on selling anything soon? I know it must be intimidating, especially with the live animals. But even if something goes wrong, just remember that it's not too big of a deal. It will feel bad, definitely - but any venture is bound to include some mistakes. That's the way to learn, right? It sounds like you know a lot about caring for plants and small animals - maybe not as much as some experts, but certainly more than most people. I'm sure that you'll do well!

Here's the link for TaskRabbit (https://www.taskrabbit.com/dashboard). It seems that pretty much any freelance job you could think of is offered through this service. I can't actually say whether it's a good option, since my application was never processed, haha. But I feel like it would be less socially demanding than a lot of other jobs. And one of the great things about the sharing economy is that you typically get to set your own schedule.

I've applied for a handful of retail jobs over the last few months - and so far Wegmans is the only place that's called me back. They asked me to do a phone interview, which didn't go super-well. I guess that I didn't completely tank it, because a few days later, they asked me to come into the store for a second interview. But that didn't go well either. And I didn't get a job offer. I've heard that Wegmans can be a hard place to get into. The two interviews that I did there were definitely a lot more intensive than the one that I did for CVS.

Not really sure what I'm going to try next. Costco was my first choice, since I've heard that they offer great pay. I actually applied to two different locations, but no luck. That seems to be a difficult place to get into as well. I just contacted the TaskRabbit support staff, to see if there's any way to move my application along - I'll let you know if anything develops on that end.

So no deviantart account I guess? That's fine. I hope that you've been able to at least get some good practice in with your art over the last year. I know that you've probably not been as engaged with it as you'd like to be, but every little bit of practice counts for something!


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Actually sent you some carvings from my deviantart via private message. Wasn't sure if I wanted to share on here. Weird checked my sent folder and it wasn't there. I'll try to resend.

I'm sure it is part of my ocd. Actually, no I wasn't allowed longer breaks and didn't tell my boss. I just held it(number 2) until I got home despite the pain. I also used to make up excuses to take early lunches or go home early. Were some times I risked my job and snuck home while on deliveries even when the delivery wasn't near my home. Only disinfected when the pain became too unbearable and I didn't think I could get away with sneaking home or asking to go home sick again. Not being able to sleep at night and anxiety caused me to miss some days too. I was getting close to being fired. I even had a reputation of missing a lot of days with my coworkers.

Thanks, maybe I'll try selling some marimo moss balls I have. I don't really feel I have enough to be selling yet, but shipping a plant/algae would probably be less intimidating practice than shipping an animal. Not sure if you've heard of marimo moss balls, but they have some demand so if the price is right I probably could sell some.

Sorry your interviews didn't go better. Know when I tried in the past I failed most interviews. Only jobs I got were a couple of farm related ones that were seasonal and hired anyone and my delivery job where my friends dad recommended me to someone he knew there. Otherwise did horrible with sweating and stuttering during interviews. What did you think you could've done better in the interviews?

Good luck with taskrabbit. There are sites live fivver where you can offer to do tasks. Most tasks are only $5 on fivver but I think you can offer upgrades which cost more or offer to only do a half hour of work or less for $5. There are alternatives to fivver as well for freelancing. Not sure how good these are but here are a few lists
http://growingyourbiz.co/fiverr-alternatives
http://www.gigslerr.com/
https://www.lifewire.com/fiverr-alternatives-3485761

As said I thought I sent you my deviantart via pm, but yeah I haven't practiced much in a long time. So it feels foolish to try to get into an art or craft business but I'm feeling desperate.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Thanks for sharing the link to your account! I can understand wanting to keep it private. No reason to be self-conscious about it though - what you have on there is pretty good! I especially like the wire sculptures! Have you made anything like that recently?

I'm not very familiar with fivver, although I've recently been checking out one of the "alternatives" listed in the third link that you provided - a company called Upwork. It seems that Upwork offers a lot of data entry jobs. I've had a bit of experience with data entry before, in one of my jobs prior to CVS, and some of the job listings on Upwork seem fairly simple. Still, I'm not an expert at data entry by any means - so I'm intimidated by the competition. Most of the user profiles on Upwork look really professional. I could _probably_ handle some of the more basic jobs on there, but convincing people to hire me would be a challenge - especially for the first few jobs, since I'm not entirely sure how capable I would be.

It's the same with job interviews. Even though I'm not totally incompetent, I have no idea how to present myself as someone worth hiring. If I were to actually start a new retail job, I'm sure that - at least in most cases - I would be able to meet the employer's minimal expectations. But it would be hard for me to project confidence in my abilities beforehand...sigh...if only there were an easier way to get one's foot in the door. I've found myself thinking a lot about how in video games, you can often build up your skills in tutorial levels, before moving onto anything super challenging...sucks that gaining employment can't work that way.

As for Wegmans, each of the interviews lasted about 45 minutes and were both pretty intense. Even though I applied for two different shelf-stocking positions, they asked me a broad range of questions - such as how I would go about convincing customers to buy certain products. I get that even in stocking, I would be expected to provide assistance for customers. But I'm not sure how salesmanship would be a relevant skill for that position. When I worked at CVS, I never answered many questions about specific products, aside from which aisle to find them in.

They also went through my entire work history, asking why I left each position and what I liked / disliked most about all of my previous jobs. That was...really difficult. I didn't have particularly good answers prepared. When they asked about CVS, I told them that I had left for "extended travel" - which is more or less true, since I had gone out of town for much of the Summer. But I also tried to put a relatively positive spin on my time there - which led to them asking why I didn't just go back to CVS, after returning to the area. The most honest way of answering that would have been to simply say that I was burned out on the job and wanted to find something easier, but I mean, I wasn't going to say that during an interview, haha. So I just stuck with saying that I was looking for a new environment with new experiences. That was probably the best way that I could have answered the question, but...I guess that it might not have been the kind of response that they were looking for.

Since then, I've applied for TJ Maxx, which seems a little more laid-back than Wegmans. I was really hoping to hear something back from them, but it's been a couple weeks now, and still no word. Not sure where I'll try next.

I really wish that I could find something other than retail. Apparently, the city and county governments have jobs that don't require any kind of degree - I would love to do something like that, even if it requires stepping outside of my comfort zone a bit. Working for the government, in any capacity, just seems more fulfilling than working for a business. I applied for one of those jobs, but never heard anything back from them either. All of the gaps on my resume certainly must not be helping my chances of getting an interview - even though I'm still pretty young, and lots of people my age probably take time off from work for various reasons.


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## slyfox

@Fox93

Thanks about my Deviantart account. I haven't made anything wire in a couple of years. They do seem to be what people like the most though, so maybe I should consider making some again.

If Upwork doesn't charge to list, you can always just give it a try. I know easier said than done and the same thing could be said for myself since ebay gives 50 free listings a month lol You can always improve the professional look of your listing as you go.

Yeah its too bad more places don't hire the first people who come in(assuming there isn't anything seriously bad in their application) and give them a probation/training period. I know they don't do this because the process of hiring people can cost the company a lot of money. But even people who give great interviews could just be great at interviews but lousy as actual employees.

Yeah I wouldn't expect the average employee to know a ton about the products, aside from where they are. Have thought it would be nice to apply to pet shops, because I do know a lot about pets and ones I don't know about I'm eager to learn more. The problem is I would still have my restroom problems. Also I will always want to eventually be self-employed. Not sure if my employer could find out, but they'd probably consider it a conflict of business if I sold certain things online. Well might have to consider it if my appeal doesn't go through. Until then I'll try to get myself working harder on being self-employed. Plan to get more hours in next week.

My resume would suck, but I wonder if I included a letter explaining things I know and have experience with like the nitrogen cycle/cycling aquariums, doing chemical water tests, and some about how saltwater works with live rock, etc if it would help. Have also kept a wide variety of animals including birds, mammals, fish, reptiles, amphibians, and invertebrates. Normally they have to train employees in those kinds of things.

At least you are getting some practice with interviews. You've maybe done this already, but I know there are a lot of sites with resume and interview advice.

Good luck with searching for a government position. Not really government but my dad used to drive buses for the city. At least here they provided free training for the CDL he needed. He already had it from driving Greyhound before, but it was helpful for other drivers. They had trouble with people leaving after training to get better paying garbage truck jobs.

My 3+ year gape in employment certainly will make it hard for me to find employment as well  not sure if self-employment helps at all on a resume, but maybe I should force myself to make things official with a Doing Business As and a sales tax license so I can claim I've been doing something. Actually did that in the past(2010 I think) but I ended up not trying to sell much and it just made a mess. This time I was hoping to make sure I actually would commit to it before taking those steps. I'll have to look that up, but I assume even official self-employment doesn't impress employers on resumes because they assume you don't know how to work for others or are not a team player.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

So I actually went ahead and made an Upwork account, right around the time that I last wrote. I didn't bother with my resume or personal bio very much - like you said, that sort of info would be easier to fill out down the road, once I've done a few jobs and had the chance to build up my confidence. Turns out though, that Upwork will deny your account, if it doesn't look professional enough. So...that didn't work out for me, haha. 

On the other hand, I also got back in touch with InstaCart, and after messaging one of their customer service reps a few times, I was able to take another shot at their training session. It was held in the same store as last time, which again, is outside my immediate area. So I wasn't super familiar with the store layout. But at least I had been there once before. And this go round, I had a better sense of how to pace myself. Even though I had to ask store employees where to find a few of the items (and there were only like, five or six items total, haha) I managed to finish the demo order fast enough this time.

After that, I sat down with an InstaCart representative, who gave me a credit card and explained how to use it. He maybe went over a couple other things, but overall, I was probably in-and-out of the store in less than an hour - that's including the time that it took to receive and complete the demo order. When I had gone up there over the Summer, they walked us all around the store, explaining how the app works and answering questions, before sending us off on our own to find items. When I went up there last month though, they didn't include any of that - instead, I just did an online tutorial before going into the store.

Getting approved to pick up jobs through Instacart was definitely exciting! I was all ready to go, when suddenly, that same week, I got a call back for the government job I had been interested in - now _that_ was _really_ exciting! Apparently, when I first applied, the position had already been filled. But it opened up again. They had me come in for an interview, which went fairly well; maybe not great, but definitely better than the one with Wegmans. I recall them saying that they would get in touch with me within a week or so, regardless of whether or not I got the job. But it's been about two weeks now, and so far, nothing. 

Meanwhile, I had been having some issues with setting up my InstaCart account - nothing that couldn't be resolved, but I decided to set it aside for awhile, until I heard back from the city. Well - now it seems that I might _not_ hear back from the city and just this morning, I got an e-mail from InstaCart, saying that my account has been deactivated, since I haven't been picking up any jobs. I...probably should have expected that something like that might happen. Hopefully, I can get it reactivated. I'll definitely contact someone over that soon. I need a job desperately, since my parents haven't been in a good financial situation the last few years.

I've also been taking an online English class this semester, which has been a struggle, although it's definitely been going better than some previous English classes that I've attempted. I really hope that I can see it through to the end. But I've been falling behind in my work, and the last few weeks have been especially overwhelming.

Anyways, what have you been up to lately?


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## slyfox

@*Fox93* Congrats on passing your second test with InstaCart. Hope you got things resolved with your account being deactivated.

Good luck on the government job. I know when I used to do interviews that a lot of the places weren't reliable about contacting you with their decision 

Good luck with your English class. Wish I could give advice, but I always struggled with keeping up with assignments. I've wanted to take online classes with the Gemological Institute of America because I suck at identifying rocks and minerals. Can't afford classes right now though and since I don't live near one of their campuses I would need to purchases $1000+ worth of specialized equipment. Probably would be better to take a sculpture or other art class if there are any in my area.

Haven't been up to much. Having too much anxiety to start anything. At first I was really motivated and was going to try to sell some ACEO(size of trading cards) art cards online, but then my motivation died and I decided to work on getting my house clean first so I have room to work and I can find some of my lost art supplies. Know I could probably do both. Just want to get this out of the way so I can no longer use it as an excuse. Also have been trying harder to stick to my diet.


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## sad1231234

If i really forced myself to be more outgoing and social at school, i might have a life by now.


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## Uniqueme

keeping in touch with friends


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## Kevin001

I could of tried harder to help that guest last night.


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## 1ShyKid

Studied harder in school and talked more with my friends. Spend less time on the computer.


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## Kevin001

Fought temptations better...ugh.


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## slyfox

Had goals last week for working on things(cleaning, other chores, exercise, art practice, etc). I was supposed to average about 4 hrs a day. The first day I started out strong with over 5 hours. I then got off track and it eventually became apparent I wasn't likely to achieve my total goal for the week. I then wasted the last two days viewing it as pointless. I should've really forced myself to do more the last two days even if I wouldn't achieve my goal.

Same sort of already happened this week. I wasted too much time Sunday to get my 4 hours in. I could've done some, but chose to just write it off as a wasted day. Since I wasted Sunday and my goal it based on averaging a certain amount of hours a day, I'm going to just treat this week like a 6 day week. Should've done more Sunday anyway, but now it is too late.

Maybe I should consider setting smaller 2-4 day goals since I have a bad habit of starting the week off strong and then giving up at the end of the week.


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## Dall545

Procastinated today, when I was supposed to plan a writing project.


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## Fox93

@slyfox

Hey, thanks for responding over at the Instacart thread! And sorry again that I haven't kept in touch! Even though Instacart has been a pretty relaxed job, I've still had a lot going on - especially during the Spring semester, while I was finishing up that English class. And then my younger brother got married earlier this Summer.

Anyways, Instacart has been great! I'm really glad that I went to that second on-boarding session. I may not have thought to give it a another try, had I not talked it over with you a few months ago, so thanks for being a listening ear! 

I'm signed up to take a second English class this Fall, as well as a political science class (both online).

What's new with you? Any developments on the appeal? I know you weren't very optimistic about that.

And how are your various projects going? Have you put anything up for sale these last few months?

I really hope that things will be looking up for you this year!


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## slyfox

@Fox93 You're welcome and no need to apologize.

It has been a little over 6 months since my attorney started the appeal process. He said it could take a year or more. I should probably call to see if there are any updates, but I'm doubtful there are because I normally get a letter and a call. My sa sa and other issues are causing me a lot of problems. Like today, I was going to go to a grocery store and sold a coworker from my previous job also walking into the store in the parking lot. I ended up panicking and retreating to my car. Had to go somewhere else.

Still haven't put anything up for sale. Have been having anxiety and having trouble starting. Am going to have no choice but to sell some cherry shrimp I have because I have way too many now. I started with 9 and now have close to 100. Just having a lot of anxiety about meeting up with someone even though some people on a local facebook group were interested in buying them. I'm also going to have enough mealworms and superworms to sell. My other projects still have too low of populations.

Just feels hopeless. I don't think I can keep job long term and it is obvious that my problems are making being self-employeed unlikely. General anxiety and lack of energy are interfering with me succeeding at being self-employed.

Thanks, I do plan to keep working on trying to improve my situation this year. I need to be prepared to do something if the appeal is rejected. Honestly I don't want disability as well. I don't want to be chained to disability(seems like for me it would be just giving up and it would be harder to continue my self-employment dreams while on disability), but it just seems unlikely that'll I'll succeed on being self-employed with the way I let my problems control me. I guess all I can do is keep trying to work at, while I wait to see what the results of the appeal will be.

Wishing you the best with InstaCart and your English Class.


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