# Forcing Myself to Go Out... Again



## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

I made a thread a little while ago talking about all the progress I was making towards overcoming my social anxiety, including joining in random conversations with people, gave compliments to a girl and store workers, asked random girls for directions, and attended a youth group at my church by myself without knowing anyone there. 

After making so much progress, I stopped and felt like I could take a break for a while, but it turns out that's not a great thing to do when trying to overcome an obstacle. So, I'm starting it up again and posting my progress here


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## woot (Aug 7, 2009)

i hope to see this thread filled


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

eric254 said:


> I made a thread a little while ago talking about all the progress I was making towards overcoming my social anxiety, including joining in random conversations with people, gave compliments to a girl and store workers, asked random girls for directions, and attended a youth group at my church by myself without knowing anyone there.
> 
> After making so much progress, I stopped and felt like I could take a break for a while, but it turns out that's not a great thing to do when trying to overcome an obstacle. So, I'm starting it up again and posting my progress here


Good luck! But I would suggest not jumping into someone's else conversation with another stranger...it doesn't bode well.


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

DragonFlight777 said:


> Honestly though, this is all harmless stuff. And for a person who has social anxiety, it might be more fun and thus easier to do. As long as he's not hurting anyone (which he isn't even if he might jump into someone else's conversation) I think it's best for him to expose himself to as many socially-related situations as possible.


I'm just telling him what I've been told by many many "normal" people who are great socializers. People find it rude to just interject yourself into a conversation that doesn't concern you (unless it's an open conversation in a group-type setting).

He can do whatever he wants, but if he's trying to better his social skills and/or make friends as well as a good impression, busting into strangers' conversations without excusing/introducing yourself first, isn't the best way to go. Take it how you wish 

Good luck in whatever you choose to do, OP!


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

CourtneyB said:


> I'm just telling him what I've been told by many many "normal" people who are great socializers. People find it rude to just interject yourself into a conversation that doesn't concern you (unless it's an open conversation in a group-type setting).
> 
> He can do whatever he wants, but if he's trying to better his social skills and/or make friends as well as a good impression, busting into strangers' conversations without excusing/introducing yourself first, isn't the best way to go. Take it how you wish
> 
> Good luck in whatever you choose to do, OP!


I have actually joined in random conversations, and it's only weird or rude if you join in without anything to contribute. The conversations I joined into were on topics I was interested in, so people are very accepting when it's relatable.


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

eric254 said:


> I have actually joined in random conversations, and it's only weird or rude if you join in without anything to contribute. The conversations I joined into were on topics I was interested in, so people are very accepting when it's relatable.


When you say "random conversations", do you mean jumping into a complete stranger's conversation he/she is engaged in with someone else?


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

CourtneyB said:


> When you say "random conversations", do you mean jumping into a complete stranger's conversation he/she is engaged in with someone else?


Yup, but you wait for a break in the conversation, not while they're talking.


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

eric254 said:


> Yup, but you wait for a break in the conversation, not while they're talking.


I would hope so :b

I was taught (and have been told) you really shouldn't do that unless they acknowledge you, but if if it works out well for you then go for it.


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## Melinda (Feb 5, 2009)

eric254 said:


> After making so much progress, I stopped and felt like I could take a break for a while, but it turns out that's not a great thing to do when trying to overcome an obstacle. So, I'm starting it up again and posting my progress here


When it comes to battling SA, you can't let yourself rest for too long.
Best of luck to you!


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was pretty much amazing. I went out to the mall, and as soon as I got there, a group of girls about to drive away rolled down their window and told me I was cute and to text them later, and I got one of their numbers. Then I went inside already feeling good from that experience, and proceeded to talk to a store clerk and ask a random girl for directions. After all that, I remembered seeing a video where they talk about the best way of conquering your fear of rejection/failure is to try to fail, so I purposely asked a random attractive girl a stupid question so that I'd get rejected, and told her it was an inside joke when she was walking away. It actually felt awesome to just go up to anyone I wanted talk to them.

I'd call that a successful day one.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Well, today was pretty depressing. I was pretty pumped after yesterday, but today all I did was go do Christmas shopping without talking to anyone, and then spotted a cute girl sitting by herself and spent a few minutes trying to psych myself up to talk to her instead of just going and talking to her, and then she walked away and I never saw her again. Now I got to feel that pain of letting my anxiety control me from what would've been a normal and possibly beneficial situation.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was somewhat of an improvement. I went out again, and I managed to ask two girls for directions, one of which was friendly and helped, and the other rudely said no and walked away. Somewhat disappointing that I didn't approach a girl that I liked for the purpose of getting her number, but it's definitely better than nothing.


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## Lincolnradiocat (Dec 10, 2005)

eric254 said:


> Today was pretty much amazing. I went out to the mall, and as soon as I got there, a group of girls about to drive away rolled down their window and told me I was cute and to text them later, and I got one of their numbers.


That is like hitting the lottery. I wish it were that easy for me. I think I was whistled at once or twice, although it could have been for someone else.

Did you call the number?


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## tardisblue (Dec 4, 2011)

eric254 said:


> Today was somewhat of an improvement. I went out again, and I managed to ask two girls for directions, one of which was friendly and helped, and the other rudely said no and walked away. Somewhat disappointing that I didn't approach a girl that I liked for the purpose of getting her number, but it's definitely better than nothing.


This is good stuff. Keep posting these. Do you go out there with a plan, like the above, asking for directions, or do you just walk up to people and try to think of something to say? Turning it into a field exercise like this is a great idea. Kinda reminds me of the "homework" they were given in Fight Club.


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## Vexed (Oct 25, 2009)

Well done. It's great that you're trying to help yourself, it shows you have a lot of strength.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

tardisblue said:


> This is good stuff. Keep posting these. Do you go out there with a plan, like the above, asking for directions, or do you just walk up to people and try to think of something to say? Turning it into a field exercise like this is a great idea. Kinda reminds me of the "homework" they were given in Fight Club.


I'll go in with a plan, otherwise I just walk around mindlessly. I try to talk to at least one person, regardless. I've analyzed myself, and I noticed that my current problem is I lack the confidence to speak my mind in certain situations. For example, I saw a girl scraping the frosting off her cupcake. I could've commented "I don't like the frosting either" and she most likely would've laughed or smiled, maybe even conversed, but instead of I just kept my mouth closed. I saw another store employee looking bored, and playing the cash register like a drum, and could've said "fun day?" or anything to make her day more exciting.

Because of that, tomorrow I want to slow down my approach. I have been going out there thinking "MUST TALK TO GIRL, MUST TALK TO ATTRACTIVE GIRL AND USE PICKUP LINE, etc." and it ends up stressing you out and everyone ends up thinking you're weird (which it pretty much is).

I am going to walk slower, observe everything around me, and actually open my mouth when I make that observation. I also want to compliment a few people, since nobody can ever really gets angry at a compliment, and it usually brightens their day. It's all about living in the moment and enjoying life. It seems like social anxiety tends to blind us from that, and we over-analyze every situation, or try to make it perfect, when that's impossible to do.


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## jpb (Dec 12, 2011)

Compliments are good. It might take some pressure off to go in with the goal of just making eye contact and saying "hi" to as many people as you can, whether they're a cute girl or not. Old people are usually a safe bet.


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## jpb (Dec 12, 2011)

I really like this thread, by the way. Thanks for updating and keep up the good work!


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Tonight was easily my best night! I started out by walking around and just observing everything around me instead of being in a hurry. I made a few jokes, such as "fun job?" to some Kiosk workers, who smiled and said "gotta get money somehow". I then had a conversation with two women that worked at a sunglasses store. I asked what the difference was between expensive ones and cheap ones, and the manager did most of the talking, but the other girl seemed to like me, and whenever I'd look at her she smiled and her eyes opened wide. After talking to them, I thought about going back to get her number, but I didn't want to get her fired or anything with her manager there. I definitely will if I see her there alone at a later time. I then spotted an amazingly cute girl texting, and asked her for directions, but I couldn't bring myself to carry on the conversation afterwards / flirt with her.

The best part of the night though was near the end, when I was about to leave and spotted an attractive looking girl sitting in the exact same spot as the girl I had felt so bad about not talking to the other day. I thought to myself "this is the time to makeup for the other day" and so after fighting with myself for a minute, I saw a mark I had put on my hand with a marker the other day to remind myself of that awful feeling of not approaching and regretting it afterwards. I took a deep breath and started walking by where she was, and looked over by her and she looked up and we made eye contact, and as soon as we did, I walked over to her and said "Hey, you seem like an interesting person and I had to come say hi."

She seemed either shy or surprised, because her eyes were opened wide and she seemed a little dazed, like a deer in headlights. I noticed she was eating yogurt, and asked her what kind it was, to which she said Greek, and then I asked her if I could sit down, unless she had someone coming to meet her, which she said "Yeah" and so I told her to have a good day and walked away. There were also people around us, even a guy sitting at the table just a few feet away, but I honestly didn't care. It felt amazing to finally approach a girl I was interested in and see what happens instead of not doing anything and regretting it. Overall, quite a step in the right direction.


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## StayingMotivated (Sep 5, 2011)

eric254 said:


> Tonight was easily my best night! I started out by walking around and just observing everything around me instead of being in a hurry. I made a few jokes, such as "fun job?" to some Kiosk workers, who smiled and said "gotta get money somehow". I then had a conversation with two women that worked at a sunglasses store. I asked what the difference was between expensive ones and cheap ones, and the manager did most of the talking, but the other girl seemed to like me, and whenever I'd look at her she smiled and her eyes opened wide. After talking to them, I thought about going back to get her number, but I didn't want to get her fired or anything with her manager there. I definitely will if I see her there alone at a later time. I then spotted an amazingly cute girl texting, and asked her for directions, but I couldn't bring myself to carry on the conversation afterwards / flirt with her.
> 
> The best part of the night though was near the end, when I was about to leave and spotted an attractive looking girl sitting in the exact same spot as the girl I had felt so bad about not talking to the other day. I thought to myself "this is the time to makeup for the other day" and so after fighting with myself for a minute, I saw a mark I had put on my hand with a marker the other day to remind myself of that awful feeling of not approaching and regretting it afterwards. I took a deep breath and started walking by where she was, and looked over by her and she looked up and we made eye contact, and as soon as we did, I walked over to her and said "Hey, you seem like an interesting person and I had to come say hi."
> 
> She seemed either shy or surprised, because her eyes were opened wide and she seemed a little dazed, like a deer in headlights. I noticed she was eating yogurt, and asked her what kind it was, to which she said Greek, and then I asked her if I could sit down, unless she had someone coming to meet her, which she said "Yeah" and so I told her to have a good day and walked away. There were also people around us, even a guy sitting at the table just a few feet away, but I honestly didn't care. It felt amazing to finally approach a girl I was interested in and see what happens instead of not doing anything and regretting it. Overall, quite a step in the right direction.


:clap happy for you! it's inspiring to read about peoples experiences and over coming of obstacles . shows how rewarding risks can be


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Tonight was decent. Went out again and gave a few people compliments and made small talk with one older lady about tea. Not amazing, but better than nothing.


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## ohionick (Sep 4, 2011)

eric254 said:


> Tonight was decent. Went out again and gave a few people compliments and made small talk with one older lady about tea. Not amazing, but better than nothing.


OP, i think it's great that you're trying to better yourself and are brave enough to walk up to random strangers in the mall or store but there are people like me who have a in and out type personality, meaning when i go to the store or any public place, i get in and i get out, no mandering around, if i happen to get a compliment or happen to run into a friendly store clerk then thats great but i would like a creeper and seem too desperate when trying to do the things you do, sorry just my opinion


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## smt074 (Dec 16, 2011)

ohionick said:


> OP, i think it's great that you're trying to better yourself and are brave enough to walk up to random strangers in the mall or store but there are people like me who have a in and out type personality, meaning when i go to the store or any public place, i get in and i get out, no mandering around, if i happen to get a compliment or happen to run into a friendly store clerk then thats great but i would like a creeper and seem too desperate when trying to do the things you do, sorry just my opinion


This is how most people with social anxiety think (including me - but this is something I am working on). You have to be aware that people are caught up in their own stuff and not worry so much what they might possibly be thinking about you. Truth is they probably haven't formed any opinion about you at all or noticed that you've been hanging around.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

ohionick said:


> OP, i think it's great that you're trying to better yourself and are brave enough to walk up to random strangers in the mall or store but there are people like me who have a in and out type personality, meaning when i go to the store or any public place, i get in and i get out, no mandering around, if i happen to get a compliment or happen to run into a friendly store clerk then thats great but i would like a creeper and seem too desperate when trying to do the things you do, sorry just my opinion


I understand where you're coming from because I was exactly the same. I hated talking with anyone and just wanted to get in and out since I knew other people wanted to do the same, but most people are actually open to conversation. It's mainly about relating, so if you see someone holding a candle, you could say "Dude, that one smells good, but I like this one more" or something that makes sense in the current environment. If you are in a candle store and say "Hey, I like your purse and hair, you are cute" then it is going to be awkward and un-natural. It's also about showing that you are an open and confident person, since people naturally gravitate towards those types of individuals.


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## tardisblue (Dec 4, 2011)

ohionick said:


> OP, i think it's great that you're trying to better yourself and are brave enough to walk up to random strangers in the mall or store but there are people like me who have a in and out type personality, meaning when i go to the store or any public place, i get in and i get out, no mandering around, if i happen to get a compliment or happen to run into a friendly store clerk then thats great but i would like a creeper and seem too desperate when trying to do the things you do, sorry just my opinion


I agree with you. I think it really depends on what your goal is if you were to do this sort of thing. If your goal is to get over your fear of chatting with people, then it's definitely a great way to do that. If your goal is to become an outgoing person who does chat with strangers, then that's good, too. But not everybody is interested in being that kind of person. Some of us really don't care to always be outgoing with strangers at the store and trying to chat with everybody. I think that's perfectly fine and absolutely normal. Even outgoing people aren't walking up to strangers and chatting with them about random things.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was pretty good. I went out and talked with more store employees, as well as made small talk with a few people shopping. I even gave advice to one woman who was shopping for ipod headphones. I feel myself getting more open, but I still need to keep at it.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

tardisblue said:


> I agree with you. I think it really depends on what your goal is if you were to do this sort of thing. If your goal is to get over your fear of chatting with people, then it's definitely a great way to do that. If your goal is to become an outgoing person who does chat with strangers, then that's good, too. But not everybody is interested in being that kind of person. Some of us really don't care to always be outgoing with strangers at the store and trying to chat with everybody. I think that's perfectly fine and absolutely normal. Even outgoing people aren't walking up to strangers and chatting with them about random things.


My main goal is to become a more open, confident person and to start approaching women and dating as well. I don't try to talk to everyone. It's very easy to tell if someone wants to be approached or not by their body language and expressions. It's about being in the moment, which is really what I strive for.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

I went out today with my goal being to get a girls phone-number, and went to the mall since it's very busy. I walked around for a while, chatted with one store girl who seemed to like me and kept twirling her hair and acting nervous, but I wanted to talk with just a normal girl there (non employee). After an hour and a half, I hadn't talked to anyone, and just walked around the mall multiple times. This, of course, didn't feel great. I am happy I talked to the store girl, but that wasn't my goal.

I'm hoping that tomorrow when I go out, I'll be less picky and actually approach girls and maybe ask them a random question. I think currently, I am only targeting girls I would find, physically, to be the best girlfriend for me. That's probably not the greatest idea, and of course only leaves very few opportunities. I should probably start talking to even groups of 2 girls, since a lot go with their friend. 

I'm going to make my goal for tomorrow to talk with at least 3 girls that I find even somewhat attractive. If I get a phone number, get rejected, or just have a nice conversation, all will count, as long as I initiate a conversation for the purpose of getting to know someone I liked from first glance.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Sorry for not updating in a few days. I recently went out a few times, but it was all the same. I am able to talk with store employees, cashiers, etc. with ease, but when it comes to talking to girls I like, I feel the anxiety rush to me.

Some examples:

I saw one girl in the Apple store looking at phone cases. I was going to go talk with her, but instead I just walked around, thinking of whether I should talk to her or not, trying to convince myself, only for her to eventually walk away.

I saw one very attractive girl walk into a clothing store, and she was at the front of it, and I thought "Alright, I'm going to go up to her and say 'Excuse me, could you do me a favor? ---- Stop being so adorable'" I started to approach her and I felt blood rush to my face, and my body started to get a numb feeling, so I just walked past her and pretended to look at shirts, and then left.

My last few were just random girls walking that I wanted to talk to, and would think about it for a little following them and getting ready to talk to them, only to just delay it and have them walk away.

I really wish I could find a way to maintain the courage I obtained just a few days ago when I approached the girl I liked. That's my current goal at the moment. Maybe it's just making an anxiety plan, such as talking with the first person I see, and talking with at least 5 people at the start of my trip before trying to approach girls. I think I have problems trying to flirt since I tend to think they won't find me attractive since I'm skinny (5'7, 115lbs) so I figure they'd only want to go out with a bigger guy. That might just be self-confidence issues though, and it's obviously manageable since I did approach that girl the other day.

Just trying to figure all this out, lol.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was great! I was finishing up Christmas shopping when I saw a cute asian girl looking at sci-fi books. I pondered whether or not to talk with her, and ended up building the courage to do so. We had a decent conversation, and in the end, I decided she wasn't my type and told her to have a nice day and left. It felt amazing.


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## Phoenix Rising (Jul 7, 2011)

This is so amazing! You're doing so great!


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