# My journal to a better life



## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Hey everyone 

My name is Sarah and I'm 21 and I've had social anxiety all my life, even as a small child. My social anxiety was minimal during secondary school as I found a close group of friends but as soon as we all went on to college and grew our separate ways and made new friends, my social anxiety became a big problem. I'm in a dead end job at the moment, ultimately I would like to start my own business. I have few friends, and a boyfriend who I'm constantly worried doesn't really like me and is going to dump me at any time. 

I have been on the waiting list for help on the NHS for 4 months and now I am scheduled to see a psychologist every Monday. I have had one appointment so far which was useful, but between appointments I want to try as much myself as possible.

I've decided to open a journal, so I can detail what I'm trying out to beat social anxiety and what has worked and what hasn't, and any interesting resources I find. I hope this is helpful to someone!


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

TALLY COUNTER: 12
View attachment 42737


I use this to add up at the end of every day the things which I'm proud of or that I enjoyed, even if other people didn't give me recognition for it. (This idea is from 'Feeling Good' by David Burns)

I read this help sheet:

http://www.heron.nhs.uk/heron/information/mental_health/shyness_self-help.pdf

My long held beliefs are:
I am weird, I am awkward, I am rubbish at socializing, everyone will judge me in social situations, social situations are scary, other people will reject me, I have nothing in common with other people

My negative automatic thoughts before a social situation are:
I will say something stupid, other people will think I'm awkward and reject me, avoid me and humiliate me, other people are not as weird and awkward as me, I will look out of place, noone will want to talk to me because I'm so weird, everyone will be much less anxious than me

My emotional/physical symptoms are:
Anxiety, terror/panic, feeling judged and rejected, exhausted, upset

Self focus: The negative picture of myself which I hold in my mind is:
I am ugly, I am awkward, I am attention seeking, I am boring

My avoidance or safety behaviors are:
Excessively trying to help out in social gatherings (e.g. serve food, cleaning dishes etc), avoiding social situations all together, rehearsing what to say in social situations, staying with people I know and trying to keep them around for as long as possible

After a social event my negative thoughts are:
I looked like a fool, other people were laughing at me and thought I was weird, I looked awkward and out of place, everyone could tell how anxious I was, I didn't have anything interesting to say, I could not make small talk with anyone

(all of the above reinforces the long held beliefs, which is the beginning point, it continues in a loop)

I intend to keep a diary of when I felt anxious and what was going on at the time. (keep a note of thoughts, physical symptoms, avoidance or safety behaviors, what I did, and what I thought afterwards).

What I COULD think:
I'm ok as a person, I could meet some really interesting people here, even if I don't get along with someone or get rejected it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean I'm worthless

What I COULD feel:
Calm, enthusiastic, optimistic

What I COULD do:
Talk to everyone, take part in social situations instead of avoiding them, talk freely about who I am and what I enjoy, be spontaneous & creative and not so self focused, disclose how anxious I am

Attempt to measure success of social situations on process instead of outcome. Process is within your control, outcome isn't.
Process: I talked to x amount of people, I approached that person, I asked them about themselves. 
Outcome: He really liked me, she didn't like me, they rejected me and said I looked stupid etc


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Wow that is familiar. So much of what you wrote is exactly how I think and feel.

How do you try to integrate that with your talk therapy sessions?


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

mjkittredge said:


> Wow that is familiar. So much of what you wrote is exactly how I think and feel.
> 
> How do you try to integrate that with your talk therapy sessions?


Yes! What I've learnt is that it's those thoughts which cause the anxiety so I think most people on this forum have those kinda beliefs/thoughts. I've been learning (by myself) CBT for a few years now and I think it's only now that I have the help of a therapist that the ideas are really starting to sink in. It's terrifying asking for help, but I'm so glad I've done it. I've only had one session with my therapist so she's only in the early stages of explaining what CBT is but hopefully it will progress to some kind of exposure/rejection therapy.

TALLY COUNTER: 16

So a few things upset me today:
-Colleague at work lies and overexaggerates and gossips
*Thoughts and/or Images:*
She is so fake and phony and yet people like her more than they like me, she is such a drama queen always trying to stir up **** with other people, she is a liar, I wonder if she has been *****ing about me
_*Meaning & Interpretations:*_
I must really be a boring inferior person if other people prefer to spend time with her than me, the world is unfair because people like her are so happy but they're such *****es and I'm always so unhappy and I'm not so (outwardly) *****y to other people
_*Emotions*_*:*
Anger, injustice, annoyance, anxiety
_*Physical sensations:*_
Feeling angry and tense like I'm going to shout at her at any second
*Behaviors, actions & urges:*
I ignored her but kept listening to her, I felt like turning around and shouting at her

What I could think: I guess she is having a bad day or just looking for excitement or trying to bond with another colleague: It doesn't mean I am better than her (I too have had the same desire for excitement, or trying to bond with others through gossiping). It would be better if I concentrated on my work. 
What I could feel: 'Meh', nothing to do with meWhat I could do: Concentrate on finishing my work.

-Looked up people my boyfriend has slept with on facebook and compared myself to them (bodies, looks, achievements, friends, etc) and remembering boyfriend's comments about them 'she was pretty' etc
_*Thoughts and images:*_
I will never be as pretty as her or have such a fit body as her or ever achieve as much as her. She is so much better than me, why is my boyfriend even with me? My boyfriend is only with me because he had no other offers. He would prefer to be with her, if she had given him a chance. He still likes her and fantasizes over her. He will leave me when he has the chance. He liked them more than he has ever liked me. He will realize what a loser I am at some point and leave me. I must keep him away from those girls. 
_*Meaning & Interpretations:*_
This means I will never be as pretty/fit/intelligent or achieve as much as other girls and never be liked back by anyone that I like, because they would much rather prefer to be with someone prettier/fitter/more intelligent etc.. Noone will ever love me for the real 'ugly' me: I have to become someone people will like. Boyfriends will always reject me at some point, it's only a matter of time. Relationship failure is awful. I must please my boyfriend all the time to stop him rejecting me. I am unlovable, I am weird, I am boring.
_*Emotions:*_
Upset, worried, depressed, ashamed, worthless, resentful, anxiety, rejected
_*Physical sensations:*_
Exhaustion, tired, defeated, 
_*Behaviors, actions & urges:*_
Distanced myself from boyfriend in order to avoid rejection. Acting resentful towards him for liking other girls in the past and sleeping with other girls. Attempting to exert control over what girls he spends time with. Trying overly hard to please him. I felt like ending the relationship and running away to another country.

What I could think: My boyfriend is with me, not these other girls from his past. I have a past with guys too, but it doesn't mean much to me now. What am I going to gain by looking at their photos and comparing them to me? I can't control them, or my boyfriend, so the only person it harms is me. Everyone has their own path, their own past. It would be beneficial to our relationship if I didn't punish him for something he cannot control (his past). 
What I could feel: Secure in myself, self respect
What I could do: Not punish my boyfriend but instead treat him in a loving way.

-Spending a time at work doing dull data entry:
_*Thoughts and images:*_
I am wasting my time and my talents doing this, I don't enjoy it, I should be doing a job I somewhat enjoy and get some satisfaction from, I don't want to be like the rest of these losers and spend my whole life doing this
_*Meanings & interpretations:*_
I am weak and inferior for doing this rubbish everyday and not trying to find another job, the world is unfair for not recognising my talents and giving me a decent job
_*Emotions:*_
Fed up, tired, annoyed, resentful, frustrated
_*Physical sensations:*_
Body feels tired, feel sluggish and working very slowly 
_*Behaviors, actions & urges:*_
I stopped going above what was expected of me and completed the bare minimum at work, working very slowly and procrastinating a lot. Felt like getting up and walking out of job.

What I could think: I'm not enjoying this job any longer, I've had some great experiences but I think it's time to move on. It would be beneficial to me to spend my time looking for a new job. I wish it were different, but it's not the end of the world. 
What I could feel: Disappointed but not inferior or worthless. 
What I could do: Look for a new job.

------
Rereading this, I'm ashamed to see how judgemental and nasty I am about other people! My social anxiety makes me think other people are really judgemental, but maybe this is just a reflection of me? Maybe I'm the really judgemental one?
*I realize that other people don't see this thought process either, so all they see is the end result (my behavior). My boyfriend comes home and his girlfriend is acting surprisingly cold and snappy towards him for no reason. My boss sees me procrastinating and doing the bare minimum to get by. Colleagues at work get treated coldly by me, without any explanation for it. *And then I reap what I sow.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

TALLY COUNTER: 14

Had a bad day today as I found out my housemate was invited out by some people we both met on Saturday and I wasn't invited.

*Thoughts and/or images:*
I am a loser and noone will ever like me, I will never make any new friends, everyone likes other people rather than me, I am everyones last choice, I am too weird and awkward to ever be liked by people I haven't met before, there is something inherently wrong with me, other people hate me

*Meanings & interpretations:*
I am a boring inferior person, other people are more interesting than me, I will never have good social skills and I will always be the awkward outcast around new people

*Emotions:*
Upset, rejected, humiliated, irritated

*Physical sensations:*
Tiredness, felt like crying
*
Behaviors, actions & urges:*
Ignored housemates all evening, avoiding talking to them as best as possible. Withdrew from everyone and stayed in room all evening. I felt (honestly) like harming myself, but I didn't.

What I could think: Looks like I wasn't their cup of tea, but we only had a brief conversation. It's a shame because they seemed like interesting people. I could invite everyone to a party that I host and could get to know them a little better.
What I could feel: Enthusiastic, calm
What I could do: Organise a party, and invite everyone over.

I was also thinking back to messed up things I've done in my past to try and impress people, or because I was socially anxious (even over the internet).

Aged 7: Wanting to impress people by showing them that I wear a bra (because I was really too scared to ask my parents for one) I brought a crop top that had similar straps to a bra and pretended to everyone that I had a bra.

Aged 8: Lied to school friends and told them that I had been sponsored to be a professional singer, to impress people. Created a really elaborate story, even made sponsored merchandise. I think people did actually believe this lol

Aged 9-11: Played an online MMO game for a few years, never made any friends or really talked to anyone in the game during this time because of anxiety. Made fake avatars, added them to my friends lists, pretended I was popular.

Aged 11: Joined new school, wanted to impress strangers so I made up names of friends that I had out of school (no such friends existed) and pretended I had hung out with them at the weekend, etc.

Aged 12: Joined a really cool graphic design forum with awesome people, too anxious to ever post anything and became a long time lurker.

Aged 13: Made up fake friends and multiple MSN accounts and talked to people I actually knew in real life about these fake friends, and tried to impress them with how close I was with them and all the good times we had had. Added real life friends on the fake friend's accounts, started talking to them under these accounts.

Aged 14: Managed to create a website and set up my own radio station which could broadcast across the internet (which was pretty cool) but I was waaay too anxious to ever actually be a radio presenter or talk on the radio for fear of people laughing at me or sounding like an idiot, and I was too anxious to ever promote the radio, so it died, with a grand total of 1 listener.

Aged 17: Depressed because of social anxiety during school and inability to talk to anyone I spent 96% of my time outside of school on the internet, on hate blogs. Hating online personas. I became wrapped up in the lives of internet personas, reading all of the gossip about them, and contributing heavily to hate blogs. I actually managed to get quite friendly with a few people who also hated a lot on these people. We were all insecure and I think quite a lot of this was jealousy, too.

Aged 19: Unemployed, out of school, too socially anxious to ever approach any employers face to face or to phone them to follow up an application. I resorted to simply sending my resume to multiple people via email. Unemployment lasted 6 months.

It's pretty sad that 90% of my life I have spent being anxious and worried about what people think of me. I don't think I can remember *ever* not caring what people think of me. Hopefully this will be a new chapter in my life.

----
*Also if anyone reading this wants to contribute their own CBT logs I would love that!*


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## sweetpotato (Apr 5, 2012)

Wow, this is so cool. I hope you find the success you're looking for.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

sweetpotato said:


> Wow, this is so cool. I hope you find the success you're looking for.


Aww well thanks for taking the time to read it! Is it helpful at all? :S

-----
So I have had a really bad couple of days, and a few suicidal thoughts which I haven't had in a long time. I always find that writing it down and posting on this forum helps me think it through, so here's everything which is making me feel upset currently:
-I said a stupid flippant comment to my closest friend and she is now cold shouldering me and ignoring me (I did apologise for the comment)
-Only other friends also not wanting to hang out with me when I invited them over
-Boyfriend talking down to me in a condescending way and I feel like he generally doesn't respect me
-Not being able to talk to new housemate feeling like everyone else gets on better with my friends and new housemate than I do
-Being ignored after every comment I make around friends and housemates
-Being unable to relax and crack jokes etc in social situations like other people
-New housemate looks down on me like I'm stupid, sneering at comments I make
-Not being invited to a party but my friend was invited, we had both met the host for the first time at a friends bbq a few days ago

I realise the common theme is REJECTION. I'm upset because I'm comparing my social skills to people without social anxiety, and I'm upset because I'm being rejected by my friends, housemates, boyfriend and strangers (everyone I know basically). So, time to dispute them:

1. I am experiencing rejection, and I'm still here and breathing and just as human as I was a week ago when I wasn't being rejected. So this proves that I can handle being rejected again and again and nothing bad will happen.
*2. It's my thoughts:*
This proves I am unlikeable and worthless, noone will ever genuinely like me for who I am, I always say the wrong thing in social situations, everything thinks I am boring and stupid, no one will ever respect me, I am self absorbed and awkward, I am an unpopular loser, I have no real friends, they shouldn't treat me like this it's unfair, the world is so cruel sometimes, it's so unfair that I have such poor social skills compared to everyone else, my friend should forgive me, i apologised, what more can i do!!

*that are creating my upset, my feelings, *
upset 100%, rejected 100%, ashamed 100%, depressed 100%, angry 100%, inferior 100%

*my physical sensations, *
tired, crying at odd moments, feeling spaced out all the time, moving slowly and procrastinating

*which in turn causes my behavior. *
staying in room and ignoring housemates, boyfriend and friends, sleeping excessively, acting coldly and angrily towards friends, boyfriend and housemates, felt like hurting myself

I can only ever control:
my thoughts, my feelings, my behavior, my dreams, my hopes, my choices, my ambitions, my goals, how i choose to react to other people's behavior, what i like, who i like, what i want to do

I cannot control:
how much other people like me, how much they like me, other people's behavior to me and other's, other people's problems and happiness, other people's choices, what people say about me, how respectfully they treat me, whether they choose to forgive me or not

3. A few truths from Albert Ellis helped:
http://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/ideas.html


It's impossible to be liked or loved by everybody. No matter how popular you are, there will always be someone who doesn't like you.


Getting people to like you takes time and effort. If you try to get everyone to like you, you won't have any time or energy left over to do the things that you want to do.


To be successful often means you have to compete against others. That means you have to pay too much attention to what other people can do, instead of what _you_ can do. You can't control what other people can do, or how well they can do it, so you end up competing against something you have no control over.


There's no reason why things must be the way you want them to be, no matter how bad or unfair they are now. Unfortunate events and inconveniences happen in this world; that's just the way it is. That doesn't mean you have to be thrilled when unfortunate events occur, but getting upset won't improve matters.

4. I will be ok if I end up single, I will be ok if my boyfriend dumps me, cheats on me, finds someone else, I will be ok if all of my housemates hate me, I will be ok if all my friends reject me, I will be ok if no one ever likes me. I may not like it, but I will definitely be able to stand it and I will still be as 'worthwhile' a person if it does happen. Why would other people's actions make me less worthwhile? Them hating me or being unfair to me doesn't make them less worthwhile either.

*EXPOSURE THERAPY*
Going out to a nightclub by myself sober:

Prediction:
Other people will think I'm weird. They will see me dancing by myself and think I'm a loser. Everyone in the club will all laugh at me. I will be awkward

What actually happened:
No one laughed at me, people were actually quite friendly - more so than I've ever experienced going to a club with a group of friends (maybe they felt sorry for me?). I was quite awkward and couldn't bring myself to dance on my own, but I managed to have a drink and walk around the club. I think a lot of the time people are too drunk to care, or care more about how they look. I managed to stay for about 15 mins, before going back home. I think I actually find it harder to try and engage people in conversation and talk about myself than I do being around lots of strangers.

Thoughts I had:
Everyone thinks I'm a loser or feels sorry for me, everyone knows I'm here on my own and feels sorry for me, I look so awkward and socially anxious, I will look like an idiot if I dance, people are s******ing at me as I walk around like a lemon, everyone is laughing at me because i have no friends

Emotions & Physical sensations:
Anxiety 100, panic 80

Behaviors & urges:
Avoiding stayed in one spot in the club for too long, walking around, using the toilets, ordering drinks. Basically anything to avoid people vaguely recognising me, or dancing by myself.


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## sweetpotato (Apr 5, 2012)

It is extremely helpful! And you have my best wishes! I'm trying to do the same thing, but I'm never diligent about it. I do use an iphone app called "SAM" though. It's an anxiety tracker. While I don't keep a diary, I do remind myself to work on areas in which I am lacking, and I've actually kicked some bad habits (like making too many self-deprecating jokes) already


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

Quick question: What is the NHS? how do you get on their list to see a psychologist?


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

sweetpotato said:


> It is extremely helpful! And you have my best wishes! I'm trying to do the same thing, but I'm never diligent about it. I do use an iphone app called "SAM" though. It's an anxiety tracker. While I don't keep a diary, I do remind myself to work on areas in which I am lacking, and I've actually kicked some bad habits (like making too many self-deprecating jokes) already


Thats fantastic! I have heard of CBT iphone apps but all the decent ones you need to pay for so I haven't installed them yet. I thoroughly recommend keeping a thought diary - post it on this thread if you want, I would love to read it 



seeking777 said:


> Quick question: What is the NHS? how do you get on their list to see a psychologist?


Hi there, thanks for reading  It's the National Health Service here in the UK, it's free healthcare (funded through taxes). I saw my doctor and told him about my anxiety and depression, he then referred me to the counselling service and I went through a questionnaire-type telephone interview and was then placed on the waiting list. And now I see a psychologist face to face every Monday.

-----
*TALLY COUNTER: 17*

So I have just been to see my psychologist for the second time. It was a good session! What we covered:
-If I meet the classification criteria for social phobia 
-Where my attention is during social situations and the impact of this
-Exploring and questioning my thoughts on the situations I posted about previously

She had taken an example of a situation, my thoughts, symptoms and behaviors I had told her about previously. This time she had also added a box called 'Attention' which was interlinked with the thoughts, symptoms and behaviors. In the attention box was 'self focus'.

Basically my thoughts (Will I say something stupid? What should I be doing? I bet people are laughing at me for being such a loser') were all very self focused, and she said this would make it hard for me to talk to anyone as I am concentrating on myself (how I appear, what I'm doing, what I'm saying) all the time. 
She said someone without social anxiety may be thinking about the other people in the room, or about what other people are saying. 
Paying attention to the symptoms (e.g. tense, on edge, increased heart rate) and the behaviors (avoiding people, hiding in my room) would also bring my focus back to myself, and back to my thoughts. If you've ever been in a group conversation and had something to say (to prove yourself to others) but the topic of conversation has since moved on, and you try and move it back to the thing you were dying to say then your attention is self focused, rather than concentrating on the actual conversation.

She said a lot of my thoughts are also very generalized (e.g. friend gives me cold shoulder --> this proves I am a worthless human being) rather than specific to the situation I am experiencing.

I tend to do all or nothing thinking when I think other people like or dislike me. She explained that sometimes certain elements of someone's personality could annoy us, but generally we still like them and it's not an all or nothing system (e.g. other people totally hate us, or totally love us).

-----
Handy self help guide for social anxiety:
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/shynesssocialphobia.asp


Really try to concentrate on the conversation you are involved in. Don't think about how you appear or how well you are performing.
Don't replay parts of the conversation in your mind, instead just focus on what is being said in the present moment.
We do not need to perform perfectly or brilliantly in every social interaction we have, no-one can achieve such high standards.
Just be yourself - don't 'put on a front.' Why bother when it is impossible for everyone to like us anyway.
_"research shows that if we can stay in a situation that we feel anxious in for long enough (without using our safety behaviours), gradually our anxiety will reduce. if you find that your anxiety is not reducing during an exposure task - ask yourself: Are you using a 'safety behaviour' which is preventing you from fully confronting your fear?"

_


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## cheerycup (Sep 24, 2013)

Thanks for sharing and for the resources, Sarah! I did this a few years back. I enjoyed reading your progress. Good luck on your journey!


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

cheerycup said:


> Thanks for sharing and for the resources, Sarah! I did this a few years back. I enjoyed reading your progress. Good luck on your journey!


Thank you  I would love to read yours! Do you still suffer from social anxiety?

----
*
TALLY COUNTER: 20
*
The last few days have been a bit up and down. 
The good parts:
-I managed to go out to a club with my friend and her friends and not panic too much (people I didn't know)
-I managed to engage in conversation with them 
-I told my closest friend all about my anxiety

Bad parts:
-My boyfriend flirted with my closest friend in front of me
-Me and the boyfriend are a bit rocky and I'm not sure if I want to continue the relationship
-Absolutely growing to hate my job and how boring and unfullfilling it is, dreading going to work everyday

*Upsetting event:*
Boyfriend flirting with my closest friend, closest friend flirting back

*Thoughts:*
They think I'm an idiot, they are being so disrespectful, he will dump me for her, I will never be as pretty or as fun as her, I hate both of them, I am worthless and people will always laugh at me and humiliate me, I'm everyones last choice, he never really liked me but is too cowardly to end it, I hate them both, he will dump me as soon as he finds someone prettier and less awkward and lazy, he is only with me because he has nothing else on the table

*Meanings & interpretations:*
People will always humilate and hurt me at some point, no one will ever like me, I have no real friends, I am the last choice for guys

*Emotions:*
anger 100%, upset 100%, humiliated 100%

*Physical sensations:*
Full of adrenaline, feeling sick, shaking, crying

*Behaviors, actions & urges:*
I escaped to my bathroom and cried for a while, leaving them together. I felt like kicking out my closest friend and going to sleep to block it out. 
I went for a walk with my closest friend and told her about my anxiety, and she gave me another perspective on my boyfriend's behavior, which helped me calm down.

I think sometimes being in a relationship acts as a comfort blanket, because in social situations my safety behavior is to talk to my boyfriend and stay with him the whole time. I also feel like being in a relationship when I'm so insecure means I end up devoting my life to my boyfriend, rather than doing my own thing (hobbies etc) and growing as a person.

*Starting my own business*
_Thoughts:_ If i fail or even if I succeed people might laugh at me and humiliate me, people will think I'm a loser if I fail, I will think I'm a loser if I fail, I will lose all of my hard earned money, I will never be successful at it because I've always failed, nobody will support me because everyone hates me, I will lose focus and find something else so what's the point in starting, it will be really hard work, it would awful to fail

'If i fail or even if I succeed people might laugh at me and humiliate me' --> will people really do this? whenever i have failed in the past (driving test, being rejected for jobs) no one laughed at me, in fact they were quite sympathetic. have you ever laughed at or humiliated someone for failing or for succeeding? why? was it out of jealousy? a need to feel superior? was it really a reflection on that person at all?

---
*I found a diary I made of CBT notes in September 2011. I've learnt more and more about CBT over the last 2 years but I think I've made the most progress by actually seeing a face to face therapist. So if anyone reading is trying to self help and not seeing any noticeable outward results, then go and see a therapist!*

My therapist gave me a great website for loads of free CBT downloadable worksheets:
http://getselfhelp.co.uk/gallery.htm

Also some really good reads here:
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

From the perfectionism one:
_Perfectionists have had experiences that lead them to develop a view of the world that encourages the pursuit of unrelenting high standard s (e.g., "I must never make mistakes"). _

_'I get pleasure out of achieving what others can't do It makes me feel special' 
_
_Peter has the rule: "The job is not done unless it is perfect" and the assumption: "If I make a mistake then the business will fail". _

_We tend to pay attention to and interpret things according to what we expect. As a result, we tend to remember only things that happen in our lives that are consistent with what we believe to be true. This process of attending to and interpreting things in a manner that is consistent (rather than inconsistent) with out beliefs, is typical of all people. _


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## cheerycup (Sep 24, 2013)

sarahsjourney said:


> Thank you  I would love to read yours! Do you still suffer from social anxiety?


I haven't kept one in a long time but will probably start again soon. I'd say I still suffer a little bit. The journals and positive thinking really helped.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

cheerycup said:


> I haven't kept one in a long time but will probably start again soon. I'd say I still suffer a little bit. The journals and positive thinking really helped.


Awesome, do it! I think this forum needs more positive inspiring posts. I think with a lot of mental illnesses it never really goes away you just have to keep fighting it off...reminds me of this Harry Potter quote lol:
*"It was important, Dumbledore said, to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated. . . ." *

-------------
*TALLY COUNTER: 22*

_PERFECTIONISM_

I have the following rules:
'There is no value in doing anything unless it is perfect'
'Other people look down on me if what I produce isnt perfect'
'It is awful to fail'

which produced the following behavior:
Afraid to fail so never try anything new
If I think I can't do something perfectly I won't even try

Testing the rules out:
Things I've done lately which were less than perfect:
-Driving to and from work
-Making cupcakes and brownies
-Drawing portraits
-Cooking dinner every night
-Having sex
-Cleaning my room and bathroom
-Learning to play guitar
-Shaving my legs
-Doing ballet

Was there value in the above things, even though they were done less than perfectly? Yes. Why?
1. It helps me improve. If I never make mistakes or experiment, then how can I ever learn and grow? Isn't that part of the excitement, the challenge? Why should I automatically be great at everything I do? What makes me so special? No one does _everything_ perfectly.
2. Because they were adequate for their intended purpose. 100% perfection isn't required most of the time, and is actually inefficient. If I tried to always drive perfectly to and from work, or always clean perfectly, or cook perfectly it would make me so uptight, nervous (to make mistakes) and unhappy. Efficiency and happiness isn't from perfection. In fact, some of the more difficult things which I didn't do very well (such as learning guitar) provided the most satisfaction, but things I did perfectly at work which were easy provided the least satisfaction. SO there is no correlation between satisfaction and perfection. 
3. Did other people really look down on me and think less of me when my drawings weren't great, or when my guitaring sounded awful, or when my cupcakes failed? Not really. I think they respected my trying and saw the funny side of it, but it didn't make them think any less of me. Maybe it's only insecure people who do this to others who fail?

--------
Working through the procrastination module here:
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=50

What I'm procrastinating:
-Starting or finishing projects
*-Job applications/starting business*
-Starting an exercise and meditation routine
-Arranging get togethers
-Starting and maintaining a hobby

Negative consequences: I have to stay in a job I don't like 5 days a week.

Avoidance behavior:
-Surfing the net (movies, forums, listening to music)
-Going out
-Daydreaming: thinking about the past and future
-Sleeping

Excuses I make:
"I'm too tired, I'll do it tomorrow" 
"I don't have everything I need, I can't start it now" 
_"It is better to do it when I am in the mood or feeling inspired" --> this is a big one for me!_
"I've got to organise my desk/kitchen/laundry, etc first" 
I have plenty of time, so I can do it later" 
_"It might not be good enough, so why bother doing it" _
*"if I put my work out there, then others will think badly of me". You can imagine for this person, when faced with a task that is going to be evaluated in some way (e.g., exam, report, art work, socialising, making a lifestyle change), they predict they will fail or others will judge them negatively, and as such they feel anxious, fearful or embarrassed. Their fears may paralyse them from being able to do the task, and procrastination may be used as a way of avoiding their fears of failure or disapproval. *

I have the assumptions:
If I try, I will fail
I am better off not doing anything than risk it going bad
If I put my work out there, then others will think badly of me
If I do things when I am not energised, then it won't work out

_The unhelpful rules and assumptions you have, which are the very reason for your procrastination, tend to stay intact the more you procrastinate. When you procrastinate, you avoid engaging in tasks and goals that have the potential to challenge your rules and assumptions_

*you can do things imperfectly and not fail or be judged badly, and generally it is very seldom that you outright fail or get judged poorly, and on the rare occasion this does happen you can tolerate this and move forward; 
uncertainty is a part of life that everyone has to tolerate, and not taking action just keeps you stuck and stagnant, rather than making anything more certain or preventing a catastrophe. On the whole things work out OK, and on the times they don't there are things you can do to cope and survive;
*
When you approach a task/goal either mentally or physically, one or more of your unhelpful rules and assumptions gets activated. These rules/assumptions could relate to needing to be in charge, pleasure seeking, fearing failure or disapprov al, fearing uncertainty or catastro phe, low self-confidence or depleted energy.

----------

So I have a plan for things to do alongside therapy to help anxiety and depression:


Meditate daily
Exercise daily
Join exposure therapy group
Do interests (drawing, ballet)


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## dogapus (Feb 6, 2014)

Wow, I have never seen anything like this, but I haven't looked at much of the goal setting threads, yet. This seems really constructive and helpful and I'm going to read through the self-help guides you posted. Also wanted to recognize and commend you for working on it when you were feeling so low, too. That takes a lot of strength!

I wonder if you focus and celebrate the good stuff too? Maybe it wouldn't be fitting for your style on this but just wondering about it because this is obviously a very critical method and it seems like progress should be recognized. Could be more satisfying to just live it, though, not trying to suggest you change what you're doing, just curious about how you approach progress.


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## cheerycup (Sep 24, 2013)

sarahsjourney said:


> Awesome, do it! I think this forum needs more positive inspiring posts. I think with a lot of mental illnesses it never really goes away you just have to keep fighting it off...reminds me of this Harry Potter quote lol:
> *"It was important, Dumbledore said, to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated. . . ."*


I agree this forum does need more positive posts. Thanks for the quote. Very encouraging to never give up. I just finished reading your post tally counter 22. Perfectionism is something I have always struggled with for the longest time. :| I will think about posting my own journey on here, too. I like the thoughts you use to fight off the negative behaviors. I can definitely learn from them!


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

dogapus said:


> Wow, I have never seen anything like this, but I haven't looked at much of the goal setting threads, yet. This seems really constructive and helpful and I'm going to read through the self-help guides you posted. Also wanted to recognize and commend you for working on it when you were feeling so low, too. That takes a lot of strength!
> 
> I wonder if you focus and celebrate the good stuff too? Maybe it wouldn't be fitting for your style on this but just wondering about it because this is obviously a very critical method and it seems like progress should be recognized. Could be more satisfying to just live it, though, not trying to suggest you change what you're doing, just curious about how you approach progress.


Aww thank you for such kind comments  No you're right, I tend to filter out all the good stuff and only focus on the bad stuff. The 'tally counter' at the beginning of each post counts how many things I've done in the day which I'm proud of (regardless of whether I received praise for them) and this really helps build self respect rather than just giving yourself credit for stuff other people notice and praise you for.



cheerycup said:


> I agree this forum does need more positive posts. Thanks for the quote. Very encouraging to never give up. I just finished reading your post tally counter 22. Perfectionism is something I have always struggled with for the longest time. :| I will think about posting my own journey on here, too. I like the thoughts you use to fight off the negative behaviors. I can definitely learn from them!


I'd love to read your journal, then maybe we could help each other out combating the perfectionism?

---------------
*
TALLY COUNTER: 26*
So, had another session with my psychologist today. We covered a few things:

Unhelpful thinking styles (often we develop unhelpful thinking habits. these occur before or during distressing situations):
*Mental Filter: *We only notice what the filter allows or wants us to notice and dismiss anything that doesnt fit. Only catching negtaive stuff in our kitchen strainers whilst anything more realistic or positive is dismissed. 
*
Prediction: *Believing we know what is going to happen in the future.

*Mind-Reading: *Assuming we know what others are thinking about (usually about us).

*Compare and despair: *Seeing only the good and positive aspects in others, and getting upset when comparing outselves negatively against them.

*Critical self:* Putting outselves down, self criticism, blaming ourselves for events or situations that are not (totally) our responsibility.

*Shoulds and musts: *Thinking or saying 'I should' or shouldn't and I 'must's' puts pressure on ourselves and sets unrealistic expectations.

*Judgements:* Making evaluations or judgements about events, ourselves, others or world, rather than describing what we actually see and have evidence for.

*Emotional Reasoning:* I feel bad so it must be bad. I feel anxious so I must be in danger.

*Mountains and molehills:* Exaggerating the risk of danger or the negatives. Minimising the odds of how things are most likely to turn out, or minimising the positives. 
*
Catastrophising: *Imaging and believing that the worst possible thing will happen

*Black and white thinking: *Believing that something or someone can only be good or bad, right or wrong, rather than anything in between or shades of grey

*Memories:* Current situations and events can trigger upsetting memories, leadin gus to believe that the danger is here and now, rather than in the past

-----
We were discussing the thinking style of 'mind reading' and I told her that when I'm chatting to someone I'm usually thinking 'oh god shouldnt have said that they probably think I'm an idiot' or 'I probably look so stupid right now' 'what should I be saying to that?' 'how should I react to that, so as not to piss anyone off?', so my focus is always on MYSELF and never the conversation.

I told her how someone had walked off during a conversation with me at one point in my life (which gave me justification that I am boring and no one likes me), and she asked how many other conversations I had had in my life. Probably over a 4000. So why focus all my attention on this one conversation and use that as an example of how everyone hates me?
She asked me what would be so bad about being disliked by others?
I told her it would be mean that there is something wrong with me, or that I did something wrong, or that everyone else will act in the same way.

She then went on to explain that sometimes people don't have anything in common, so if I was discussing murder with a serial killer and he thought murder was right and I thought it was wrong then we wouldn't have much in common and he might not like me. Did that mean that there was something wrong with me or that I did something wrong? Or does he just hold an opinion that I don't agree with? Are opinions facts? Can anyone ever be 100% witty, funny, charming to everyone, all the time?

She also explained that not everything is as black and white as I make it out to be. We may like a certain part of our friends and dislike other parts, but it doesn't mean we 100% hate them or 100% love them. Is it really realistic to think that everyone will hate me for exactly the same thing?

*So think: What is so bad about being disliked? What is so bad about being a loser?*
------------

I have also applied to university to study marketing and I received a place from the university I wanted to go to. I'm having second thoughts about going though because:
-I might get bored and disinterested and drop out with loads of debt
-I might not enjoy it

She told me that many times throughout her studying to become a therapist she had to do things she found boring and hard but she enjoyed the lectures and eventually she qualified as a therapist. So expect to do boring and hard things even when you're doing something you enjoy, nothing worthwhile will ever be 100% easy or 100% plain sailing. My homework was to list all the pros and cons of going, and all the pros and cons of not going. 
-----


Meditate daily: done once
Exercise daily: done once
Join exposure therapy group: not done
Do interests (drawing, ballet): played guitar


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## dogapus (Feb 6, 2014)

sarahsjourney said:


> The 'tally counter' at the beginning of each post counts how many things I've done in the day which I'm proud of (regardless of whether I received praise for them) and this really helps build self respect rather than just giving yourself credit for stuff other people notice and praise you for.


Oh! I gotcha. I wasn't sure what that was. That is a better approach than I was imagining, because I was thinking just of passively good things happening :b

Definitely going to jot down the negative thinking styles. When I'm with others I fall into "mind-reading" style and while trying to appease someone I lose myself entirely. I've been told, you know you're going to be judged either way, so make it worth something and be yourself. Easier said than done to be sure.

Marketing will open up loads of opportunities.. just take a look at a jobs board! Keep it up


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

dogapus said:


> Oh! I gotcha. I wasn't sure what that was. That is a better approach than I was imagining, because I was thinking just of passively good things happening :b
> 
> Definitely going to jot down the negative thinking styles. When I'm with others I fall into "mind-reading" style and while trying to appease someone I lose myself entirely. I've been told, you know you're going to be judged either way, so make it worth something and be yourself. Easier said than done to be sure.
> 
> Marketing will open up loads of opportunities.. just take a look at a jobs board! Keep it up


Yeah, sometimes I think I don't even know how to be myself. I don't know what I like, what I don't like, what I want, what my opinions are, because I just lived my life through others and did/said what I thought they wanted. I think slowly something is starting to build though, and I'm getting an idea of the kind of person I want to be. Thanks for the comments 
-------

*TALLY COUNTER: 27*


Meditate daily: done 3/3
Exercise daily: done 3/3
Do interests (drawing, ballet): done 3/3

Exercise is definitely a natural anti depressant. I reccommend it to everyone.
-----------
So a few things have upset me over the last few days:

-Constantly stalking my boyfriend's ex on facebook and comparing myself to her
-Trying to decide whether to go to uni or not
-Housemate jokingly calling me a dumbass and my boyfriend and other friend laughing at it
-Housemate calling me a hypocrit
-Housemate hitting on my friend
-Housemate acting very arrogantly

Housemate jokingly calling me a dumbass and my boyfriend and other friend laughing at it/ Housemate calling me a hypocrit and everyone laughing at it:
_*Thoughts*_:
Everyone thinks I'm stupid and beneath them, nobody respects me or will ever respect me because I'm so dumb, Housemate is a prick and so arrogant and manipulative, everyone hates me, I shouldve said something horrible back, I will never have friends or a partner who respects me, people will keep humiliating me because I'm so stupid
_*Emotions:*_
upset 100, angry 100, humiliated 100, worthless 100
_*Behaviors:*_
Acting angrily towards everyone
Isolating myself from housemates
Felt like telling Housemate what a prick he is and punching him in the face
Unhelpful thinking styles:
_*Mental filter:*_ Not everyone treats me disrespectfully or acts like I'm a stupid retard (my boss treats me quite respectfully, and so does my brother sometimes). Not all of my friends readily want to humiliate or hurt me or put me down. My housemate doesn't always behave arrogantly or wants to readily humiliate me. 
_*Compare and despair: *_Not everyone can be intelligent and good at science. What is so bad about being stupid? People will never respect me. But my boss isn't the smartest person around but I respect him because of all that he has achieved and how rational and calm he is. I respect my brother because of what he has achieved and how courageous he is.
*Critical self:* What my housemate says and does is not my responsibility. Am I totally responsible for his hurtful comments? No. Do I think I'm a dumbass? Not really. I'm quite smart in a lot of ways I think, maybe just not traditionally good at academics and science. 
*
Constantly stalking my boyfriend's ex on facebook and comparing myself to her*
Thoughts: I have to mould myself into having the same personality as her otherwise he will begin to dislike me and will like me more if I am like her (his true love of his life). I need to see how I compare with her, in personality and looks and popularity. 
Rebuttals: He will eventually discover the 'real' me one day. And why would I want to stay in a relationship where I have to pretend to be someone I'm not? I want to be me and be liked for being me. If he doesn't like me then I guess we're incompatible. Why do I need to compare myself to her? We both have our own paths in life. I cannot control how popular she is or her looks or her personality or what she says. I cannot control how much my boyfriend likes me or dislikes me. That's not my job. My job is just to be myself and do what I want to do and love the people I want t love.

-Trying to decide whether to go to uni or not
I'm afraid to make a wrong decision and mess my life up. But can anyone ever make a perfect decision? I'm most scared of ending up in loads of debt and wasting all of my savings. To combat this I can:
-Not take out loans and fund it myself
-Let family pay for uni 
-Get a part time job
-Start a part time business to raise income

The pros of going are:
-May get better paid job doing something I actually enjoy
-Can study another degree alongside it, if I want
-Network, can meet interesting people

What is the worst possible outcome?
I end up going for 3 years and dropping out with loads of debt and wasted 3 years of my life, have to live back home with my mother or be homeless with no friends and no money. 
Could I survive this?
Yes, I have done it before, minus the debt. It wasn't actually the 'worst' period of my life. I also now have the knowledge that seeing a therapist is very helpful and can do this to avoid anxiety and depression.

I've also realised that throughout a lot of my life I have procrastinated on making decisions until those decisions have been made for me (e.g. unsure what to do after school, delayed thinking about it until the end of school, ended up unemployed for 6 months. unhappy at school, rather than making a commitment to stay or drop out I kind of drifted about with rubbish attendance until it finished. unsure how to tell a guy that I liked him, ended upset everytime I saw him with other girls, this went on for 2 years until I never saw him again.)

-----

Found an awesome youtube channel (LAHWF - losing all hope was freedom) where the guy basically does stupid stuff and embarasses himself and films it and people's response to it. I hope that one day I can do stuff like this haha
"I found freedom. Losing All Hope Was Freedom." - Fight Club
http://www.youtube.com/user/LAHWF/videos
-----


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## dogapus (Feb 6, 2014)

Hi Sarah, good for you for sticking to your daily practices 
Would you/could you talk to your housemate about how he's making you feel? I'm a nerd when it comes to communicating with housemates and talking things through could ease any tension and maybe stop him from hurting your feelings so often.



> Yeah, sometimes I think I don't even know how to be myself. I don't know what I like, what I don't like, what I want, what my opinions are, because I just lived my life through others and did/said what I thought they wanted. I think slowly something is starting to build though, and I'm getting an idea of the kind of person I want to be.


Yep, that's familiar. The good thing is how gratifying it is when you picture who you want to be clearly and I swear, can feel things coming together sometimes without effort. :yes Lol, it comes in waves but feels good when it does happen.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

dogapus said:


> Hi Sarah, good for you for sticking to your daily practices
> Would you/could you talk to your housemate about how he's making you feel? I'm a nerd when it comes to communicating with housemates and talking things through could ease any tension and maybe stop him from hurting your feelings so often.
> 
> Yep, that's familiar. The good thing is how gratifying it is when you picture who you want to be clearly and I swear, can feel things coming together sometimes without effort. :yes Lol, it comes in waves but feels good when it does happen.


Yeah that's exactly what my therapist suggested: talk to him about how his comment made me feel. I guess I'm just scared that he will think I'm too boring or that I was taking a joke way too seriously and overreacting.
Yeah that sounds awesome!

-------
*TALLY COUNTER:* *25*

So another therapy session today. We discussed the:
-'dumbass' comment my housemate made
-pros and cons of uni
-pre/post event processing

Pre/Post event processing
People with social anxiety tend to overanalyze BEFORE a social event (e.g. what will happen, what should I say) and do a post-mortem AFTER a social event (did he like me, what did he say to me, did i say anything stupid) which again all of your focus and energy is about YOU rather than the situation itself. Try focusing on the conversation and situation at hand rather than thoughts of yourself.

Dumbass comment my housemate made about me
She suggested telling him how I didn't appreciate his comments.

I was also explaining how stupid I felt around my housemates sometimes, as they have PHDs in science and studied maths and engineering etc and generally dismiss me from their conversations.

T: You don't need a phd or study science to be intelligent
Me: No, but I feel like I have to prove to others that I'm not a dumbass
T: So everyone without a phd is a dumbass? Am I dumbass?
Me: No, no. I guess I'm just not smart because I can't remember much at all.
T: But you remembered to do your homework last week.
Me: Yes, but I never remember important interesting stuff. 
T: Like what?
etc..

She also explained that I tend to do a lot of mind reading (e.g. people think I'm so stupid for not knowing what that is, people think I'm annoying them) rather than considering other options (they are having an interesting conversation and don't want to be interrupted) and they may not even be thinking of me at all. 
She also suggested that i may not have a lot to contribute in these conversations as I don't have the same things in common, but if we were talking about something I enjoyed (drawing, running, guitar) then I would be able to contribute more (which I know I would). So maybe I need to find people I have things in common with.

T: What would it mean to you if you weren't intelligent and people thought you were stupid?
Me: Nobody would ever take me seriously or listen to me. I would never be able to have a decent conversation or debate with anyone.
T: And what would that mean to you?
Me: I would never be able to learn from others. Others would never respect me.
T: What would that mean to you?
Me: Nobody would ever like me
T: And just what is so bad about not being liked?
Me: I guess I think I need the approval of others to be happy and feel worthwhile.

I think sometimes people want to act superior because of their own insecurities or just general *******ness. It has nothing to do with me being somehow defective in some way.

She also looked at the pros and cons of going to uni and we went through and worked out what was important and what wasn't. 
Pros:
-May lead to a better paid job (she said this was important, as unfortunately money is important in our lives)
-Enjoy learning about marketing (she said this was also important, as it's something I enjoy more than what I'm doing now)
-Might meet new interesting people (she said this was important as I would have the chance to meet people I had lots of things in common with)

Cons:
-Might become bored and disinterested and drop out (she asked why I thought I would do this, if I knew that i enjoyed marketing. She assured me that it wouldn't all be plain sailing, and there would be tough times, but it would all be worth it. She said I could drop out if I wanted and just go back to an office job, like where I am now, so I haven't really lost anything).
-Debt & monetary cost of course (she did say this was important to consider)
-I am commited to spending the next 4 years on that course and could apply next year when I know if I want to do it (she said the best way to find out if I will enjoy it is to just go for it and try it. She said what would have changed by next year? She said I would be older by then, too.)
-Might never find another house as nice as I'm living in now (she said I could live at home and study (which I could), she said this was not important)

Cons of not accepting the place:
-I would always wonder 'what if?' (she said this was important. She said she wouldn't like to have that hanging over her, and that I should just go for it)
-I will stay in the same job I don't enjoy

------
I'm also realising that my boyfriend is a jackass sometimes. I automatically assume it's my fault for being stupid when he talks down to me and acts condescendingly or flirts with other girls, but now I can see that sometimes he is just being a dick because he wants to feel superior or more intelligent or whatever because of his own skewed beliefs. But that's not my problem I suppose. I just have to figure out if I want to stay with someone like that. 
------


----------



## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 21*

Long time no update! I have been on a week long roadtrip around Europe (france, belgium, amsterdam) with some friends and have just come back. It was good, some down times and lots of arguments but I am glad I did it. I have realised more than ever:
1. Being anxious about situations never makes the outcome of the situation different or makes it easier to deal with. In fact it's twice as hard, as you have to deal with your anxiety plus the situation at hand. Anxiety makes it hard to think straight and logically, and sometimes you just need to take a minute to recalibrate otherwise you end up going round in circles in panic. 
2. You have to plan for everything, have contingency for everything, and if you don't, you will realise that you should have done.
3. That said, things will go wrong so no point getting upset when they do. 
4. And finally, I realised (whilst high on space cake in Amsterdam) that my time is limited. I have such a vivid memory of looking at a large clock ticking in the train station and realising that my life has a limited number of hours, days, years. I'm not going to spend it doing something I don't enjoy and I am not going back into education. I can get to where I want to be by working, I don't need a degree to do that. Plus, what I really want to be doing is starting my own business and getting a degree is not going to really help with that at all. It was really insightful being high, and now I know exactly what I want to do haha. But it did make me twitch uncontrollably for a few hours which was a bit scary.

---
So work have asked me to be in charge of a stand advertising the business in a few weeks. They want me to talk to people, sell our business and basically become friendly with people. I'm really anxious about looking like an anxious fool and my boss being disappointed with me and inevitably getting fired.

*Thoughts:*
I will look like an idiot and people will feel sorry for me, or laugh at me, or think badly of the business, my boss and the people I work with will see how inadequate and socially awkward I am and fire me, no one will want to talk to me, I will not make a good impression of the business, I will not be as good as talking to people as my colleagues

*Emotions:*
Anxiety 100%, terror 60%

Why is it so bad if people laugh at me or think badly of me?
Because then it means I'm an inadequate human being. 
Does it really? 100% inadequate, 100% wrong, no other room for anything else? Are they really thinking that, or am I mind reading? AM I imaging the worst possible outcome? Is everyone else really 100% good and am I really 100% bad? What percentage of people get nervous talking to strangers?


----------



## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 23*

So my therapy session on Monday was ok, not that great. My scores on the anxiety and depression test have crept up again too which makes me feel bad because of the lack of progress.

I asked my therapist about the conference I was asked to go to. There will be 300+ people from other companies like ours there and he wants me to hand out leaflets, talk to people, be friendly and basically sell the business (which is probably the hardest thing for me to do).

My therapist gave me a new sheet to complete, with the existing columns and new columns: 'evidence that supports the hot thought' and 'evidence that does not support the hot thought' and 'alternative/balanced thoughts' and then another column to rerate my mood.

We picked one thought I was having about the conference which was: 'I'm socially awkward and inadequate and people will realise this and I'll make a bad impression of the business and get fired' (belief in this was 100%).

Evidence that supports the hot thought: Previous conversations with people and customer where I've stammered and blushed and tripped over my words
Seeing other people succeed because they're confident (so this means that because I'm not confident, I will fail)

Evidence that does not support the hot thought: No one has actually told me I'm socially awkward.

Me: But they all think I'm socially awkward
Therapist: How do you know?
Me: Because they just do. They feel sorry for me. They look at me with pity in their eyes.
Therapist: Are you sure this is not in your head? How do you know people actually think that?

No one has complained about me being awkward at work before
He picked me over 2 other people who could've come
I don't always make 100% bad impression of the company I work for and other people don't always have 100% good amazing flowing conversations with other people

Alternative/Balanced thoughts:
I can try my best, I've not always made a good impression of the company I work for but I haven't been fired yet
----

It was really really hard to come up with evidence that did not support my hot thoughts, which is why it really helps to have a rational therapist to help you.

I have homework of asking my housemates if they think I'm socially awkward. I don't wanna do it!!
I think I'm gradually getting less anxious around strangers though. Which means therapy is working, somewhat.
-------

Does anyone else with social anxiety find that they lie alot? And then it creates anxiety and pressure when you try and keep up with the lies you've told people. And having to be careful not slip up incase they think less of you for lying in the first place.

Some stupid examples of how I've lied and how I'm now trying to cover my tracks:
-People at work still think my parents are together (I have no idea why I lied about this, I think it was to prevent them thinking my parents were really rich and I was a spoilt kid, as both my parents live in nice houses even though they're seperated). So now whenever I talk about my parents I have to be really careful how I word it. I talked about going over 'my mums house' the other day, which must sound weird to them. I'm not sure how to say 'sorry but I've been lying, my parents are actually broken up' after all this time??

-I told my boyfriend that I wasn't a virgin, and that I had an ex boyfriend (when in fact my current boyfriend has been my only boyfriend) because I was ashamed of never having a boyfriend, and of being a virgin. I made up a whole relationship and sex life with someone I had a crush on from school. I even pretended I did kinky stuff with this imaginary ex boyfriend, and that he was horrible to me which is why I now have such low self esteem, just messed up stuff like that. I don't even know how I would tell him I lied about it without him thinking I'm totally insane and crazy.

-I made up stuff about my boyfriend and tell people at work about it. Which is why I avoid bringing my boyfriend to any work parties, in case it comes out in conversation my lies.

-I've lied to my mum and not told her I have a boyfriend because I fear her over interference with my life would only increase and she would become even more overbearing and annoying. So now whenever I talk about my life and what it going on, I have to be careful to omit anything that I've done with my boyfriend.

Sometimes I think my only option is to start afresh, move somewhere where nobody knows me and actually tell 100% truth all the time.


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## Tadashi (Oct 17, 2012)

When I have some time I will read it all.

I read the 23 and can totally relate to it. I mean, I also lie to not create a frustrating situation. I feel kind guilty for it sometimes, but then I realize that everyone lies. Nothing wrong telling a lie sometimes. Don't complain much about it, absolutely normal.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Tadashi said:


> When I have some time I will read it all.
> 
> I read the 23 and can totally relate to it. I mean, I also lie to not create a frustrating situation. I feel kind guilty for it sometimes, but then I realize that everyone lies. Nothing wrong telling a lie sometimes. Don't complain much about it, absolutely normal.


Yeah I guess it's just the severity of the lies that bother me, especially to my boyfriend.

-----

*TALLY COUNTER: 29*
So another therapy session today. It was good. We went through a distressing situation which was my boyfriend saying another girl is 'nice' 'smart' and 'pretty'. My most upsetting automatic thought was:
"As soon as someone prettier and smarter shows an interest in him he will dump me"

*Evidence that supports the hot thought:*
He doesn't second guess what she says whereas with me he would because he thinks I'm stupid (I couldn't remember the exact situation he was second guessing me on, which wasn't really helpful in therapy as she couldn't say whether he was right or wrong to second guess me)
He laughs at everything she says and acts nervous around her (she asked if he acted nervous around anyone else. He does, so it doesn't mean he necessarily likes her)
He rolls his eyes at stupid stuff I say

*Evidence that does not support the hot thought:*
He hasn't said he likes her more than me
He hasn't said I'm ugly and stupid
He would ask her out instead of me if he liked her better
He might be second guessing what she is saying when I'm not around
He wouldn't be spending time with me if he didn't want to
He didn't ask her out on a date and he didn't stop talking to me
*
Alternative/balanced thoughts:*
It doesn't mean he no longer likes me

I really like my therapist. She really listens to what I'm saying and tries to find the truth, rather than just assuming that's what I meant to say or assuming she knows better than me. She doesn't generalize either, and tries to pinpoint specific situations for me to explain (such asking for a specific time when my boyfriend second guessed what I said and asking for a specific idea of what we were discussing and what he discounted). She doesn't assume, and if she's unsure of what I'm saying she asks me to clarify, rather than just assuming and filling in the details herself.

We also made a fear hierachy - so a list of feared situations, and how anxiety provoking they would be on a scale of 1-10. At the top of my list was:
- giving a presentation in front of others
- talking to a stranger
- asking a stranger for their number
- talking to an attractive man

She gave me the homework of dropping a purse full of coins in front of others (which I gave an anxiety rating of 4/10). My prediction is that other people will be visibly annoyed and angry at me (hissing, sighing, muttering angrily). I'm so worried about doing this :no
-------

I feel a *lot* happier and calmer these days and I think I'm finally starting to progress which is good  And I feel more ready to start doing what I've really wanted to do since I was 16 - which is start my own business.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 28*

Another therapy session today. I've been feeling really really down the last week because of the following:
1. I went to my work conference and was approached by a really influential, massively important potential contact to our business. I stuttered and stumbled over my words and blushed and told him the wrong information. Didn't exactly sell it to him.
2. My boyfriend told me he was gay whilst drunk
3. We had a BBQ at our house and I had an anxious meltdown and had to leave the house for 4+ hours
4. I failed to do the homework my therapist set me

*HOMEWORK*
I didn't manage do the therapy homework. I freaked out and panicked and thought everyone was looking at me and lamely tried to drop my purse and just ended up catching it before any coins spilt. Will try again this week though, my therapist told me to drop loads of them and pick them up really really slowly and make note of what other people's reactions are.

I didn't manage to tell my therapist about my boyfriend telling me he was gay because I was scared of what she would think. She might laugh at me and humiliate me like I fear other people would :no I asked my boyfriend when he was sober if he really was gay, and he said no he wasn't. So I'm a bit unsure about what to do - dump him or trust that he was telling me the truth?

We did talk about when I spoke to the important person at the conference and stumbled over my words. My thoughts were:
*'I looked like an idiot, he obviously thought I was incompetent and awkward' (mind reading)*
'He will never deal with us now, my awkwardness has lost us business'
'My boss and colleague thought I was incompetent and awkward and I will get fired as a result'
'I will always be anxious there's no point in trying anymore'
'Everyone there thought I was an idiot'
'I will never get anywhere because I am anxious and awkward'
*
Evidence that supports the hot thought:*
He was in a hurry to end the conversation
He had an angry impatient angry look on his face
He asked me to repeat what I was saying
I was stumbling over my words and panicking and blushing
*
Evidence that does not support the hot thought:*
He listened to what I was saying
He asked to know more
If he thought I was awkward he wouldn't have asked me more questions
My boss and colleagues didn't tell me that I did something wrong
I don't know what he was thinking - are these just my thoughts?
*
Balanced thought:*
I managed to get the message across and he said he would find it hard to deal with us because of differing business structures, rather than because of me or my awkwardness

She asked me to think of the successful conversations I'd had that day - I wouldve said 3. So why am I focusing on the one which wasn't great? I have a 75% success rate, which isn't so bad. Mental filter again! 
She said as my colleagues were older than me, with more life experience, it was hardly surprising they managed to approach people and talk to them. 
She said if I was really performing that badly then my boss wouldve pulled me aside and said something. But he didn't. 
I think I'm also being a perfectionist - it wasn't awful but it wasn't great either. But I can't be perfect and I will make mistakes in life, that's all part of living.

She asked me what exactly behaving awkwardly and anxiously consisted of, I said:
-Blushing a lot
-Shaking
-Stumbling over words/stuttering
-Not having anything to say

*HOMEWORK*
She set me the homework of asking the following questions to my friends:
Do you think I blush a lot?
Do you think I shake a lot?
Have you ever noticed me stumbling over words or stuttering? How many times?

I don't know if I can ask them that :um

*THE MENTAL FILTER*
I tend to do a lot of mental filtering. She said my boyfriend may say 5 positive things about me & 1 negative and I will remember and focus on the negative 1 thing for the rest of the week. My boyfriend may say 1 positive thing about some other girl, but 10 positive things about me. She then drew a diagram to illustrate the mental filter in action which I have attached. Basically I have all kinds of different interactions (different shapes) but I will only remember and focus on the one which fits my belief (the triangle). 















*PRE/POST EVENT PROCESSING*
So often before an event I will think and think about what could possibly happen thereby making me more anxious, and after the event I tend to overdo the post mortem and end up depressed because of how critical I become. She suggested distraction techniques, such as baking, drawing, reading, or walking but instead of being inside my own head just focus on things in front of me at the current moment. Immerse myself in something other than rumination.

----
I really like my therapist. She tries to establish the truth of the situation and listens to me and remembers what I've said, rather than jumping to conclusions or labelling what I've done (which I think I would be quick to do, I obviously wouldnt make a good therapist :teeth) I still find it hard to be completely honest with my therapist though, which is probably hindering my progress.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 20*

*THERAPY SESSION*
My scores on the social anxiety test have dropped 10 points, woohoo!

We reviewed:
-Previous homework and how it went
-Thought diary
-Questionnaire

*Previous homework*: I dropped a lot of coins whilst paying for petrol in a fuel station. 
PREDICTION: The cashier will be really angry and annoyed at me (which would be shown by huffing and sighing impatiently, rolling eyes, tapping foot, staring angrily). 
REALITY: Unfortunately there wasn't anyone behind me, but the cashier looked a bit angry and annoyed at me, but smiled at me once I said sorry. 
Lesson: 1. It isn't nearly as bad or scary as you think it would be. 2. Other people being angry at you isn't as bad as you think it is. 3. Try putting yourself and your needs first instead of others' needs.

*Thought diary*: I finally plucked up the courage to discuss my boyfriend telling me he was gay and how it made me feel.
She said I should ask him:
-Why he is dating me if he's gay
-Why he feels it's appropriate to tell me (his GIRLFRIEND) that he thinks other guys are hot
She said I should definitely talk some more to him about it and she said it would make her feel uneasy if her partner had told her that. I feel glad that I'm not being over dramatic or over thinking it. And when we were chatting it felt like what I wanted was the most important thing, not what he was thinking or feeling, and it made me gain some perspective and self respect and I could actually see my life without him in it and I could see me actually being OK with being on my own.

Thoughts:
-Other people will laugh at me and humiliate me for dating a gay guy (proof: they have done this before, when I was 13. Her rebuttal was that usually at age 13, everyone is very immature and now that I'm older it's unlikely that anyone would laugh at or humiliate me for dating a gay guy, and if so, I should question their maturity). 
-He will dump me because he is gay (proof: he said he was gay)
-I will never have a relationship with someone who actually likes me (she said this was very general, taking a general instance and making a general statement about it)

She asked me what was most upsetting to me - being dumped by him for a man, or people humiliated me for dating a guy gay? And I said being humiliated by others. Which made me realize that I don't care if he dumps me. Strangely, I can see us being good friends but not girlfriend/boyfriend anymore. She also pointed out that my housemate isn't gay, so even if my boyfriend did dump me he probably wouldn't end up with him.

*Questionnaire*: I asked my friend the questions, and these were her responses:
Do you think I blush a lot? No, not that she had noticed. But she knows when I'm embarrassed because of the way I act. 
Do you think I shake a lot? She has never noticed me shaking.
Have you ever noticed me stumbling over words or stuttering? How many times? She has noticed this, but she said I didn't do it anymore than the average person does, and she said even she occasionally stumbles over words and stutters.

*HOMEWORK*


Ask boyfriend questionnaire questions and tell him I go to therapy
Talk to boyfriend about being gay comment he made
Pack items away really really slowly whilst shopping - see responses


----------



## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 26*

Long time no update. My therapist has been on holiday for the past few weeks so my next session is scheduled next week. Things have been good for the following reasons:

1. I have applied for a few jobs and received an offer for an interview
2. I managed to tell my boyfriend I see a therapist. I also managed to discuss with him the gay comment he made and we talked it out. It was terrifying but I did it. 
3. I ordered 'Mind Over Mood' and it is a fantastic book. I can't wait to start working on the exercises.

I downloaded an app to hopefully make my sporadic habits more frequent. Here's how the first week went:

*Meditation: 8/8 days done*

*CBT study or practical work: 5/5 days done

Clean: 6/6 days done

Apply for jobs: 2/2 days done*

*Exercise: 2/2 days done*

I've started a spreadsheet which lists activities I've done, who I've done them with, and my predicted satisfaction and predicted difficulty and then actual satisfaction and actual difficulty. A few patterns are emerging:
1. I gain the most satisfaction from tasks I do on my own
2. Things are never as difficult as I predict they will be. This is useful to keep because it proves to me that my brain lies to me. It makes me think activities are harder to do than they actually are.









*HOMEWORK*


Ask boyfriend questionnaire questions and tell him I go to therapy -done
Talk to boyfriend about being gay comment he made -done
Pack items away really really slowly whilst shopping - see responses -yet to do


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 14*

So another therapy session today, we covered:
-The upcoming job interview and my anxiety about it
-We discussed why we thought my scores on the anxiety and depression tests weren't going down
-Discussed feelings of tiredness and sleep hygiene
-Roleplayed situation and how to be assertive

*Job interview*
We did a thought diary, my thoughts were:
I won't get the job and this proves I'm a failure
My existing boss will find out and fire me and I'll be homeless
The interview will laugh at me and think I'm incompetent

Evidence supporting:
I've failed to get jobs before (objectively speaking I have a 25% success rate - 4 previous job interviews and 1 job offer). She thought a 25% success rate was actually pretty good, which made me requestion my assumption that it was bad.
I've applied for 10+ job applications and been rejected from all of them

Evidence not supporting:
I've succeeded at other things (like passing my driving test) so I'm not a failure
He wouldn't have given me an interview if he wasn't interested

Balanced thought:
Even if I don't get the job it will still be a great learning experience.

She compared job interviews to any other skill, like cooking, and that with practice it generally improves. She also said it's similar to someone fearing going into lifts - if they didn't do it very often they would be afraid. But if they did it quite often then the fear would reduce. So the more interviews I have the better, as it's an exposure therapy in its own right.

She also did a mock interview with me. She asked me questions like 'why do you want this role?' and I struggled to answer. She asked me what I would be doing in the role which I couldn't answer very well. She suggested that I read the job spec carefully before the interview and at this point I felt a bit teary because of how underprepared I was, and it felt like she was criticizing me.

I had the job interview after therapy and it went OK. The interviewer told me he didn't think I had enough experience for the role. So I guess I was unsuccessful.

Sleep hygiene
Since I always rate tiredness highly in my weekly depression tests she asked me to try waking up and going to bed at the same time every day. So no lie ins!!!

Assertiveness roleplay
We discussed a situation I had been in where I had asked a question about physics and my boyfriend and his friend (both geeks) laughed at me for such a silly question. I played my boyfriend and his friend, and she played me.

Me: Hahaha you ask such stupid questions
T: Is there anything which is a stupid question? I was hoping you could answer it
Me: Hahah but everyone knows the answer to that question
T: I didn't study physics in college, so tell me how would I know? (completely coldly, no giggling or laughing)

She was really good at it, and basically shut me down completely.

We reversed roles and it wasn't so successful. I think the problem is I want to be liked by people, so I won't stand up for myself and will laugh along with people when they think I'm stupid (basically agreeing that I'm stupid and letting people walk all over me). I want guys to like me and think I'm attractive, so I will flirtingly act like I'm dumb and that they are right (which I know is so stupid)

She asked me how defending myself would make me feel, and I thought it would make me feel happier. So I will have to try this from now on.

Why we thought my scores on the anxiety and depression tests weren't going down
I don't know. Maybe I'm not being 100% honest with my therapist which is probably hindering progress. I can't seem to work up the courage to tell her I'm anxious about having sex with my boyfriend.

*HOMEWORK*


Pack items away really really slowly whilst shopping - see responses
Invite friend over to house


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*TALLY COUNTER: 24*

So I had another therapy session on Tuesday. We covered:

*The job interview*
We discussed how it went and the fact that I didn't get the job. She asked me how I felt about it. I felt OK about it, disappointed, but not suicidal. I'm glad I went, because I've learnt now what experience they want for that kind of job role. It feels good because it's some form of progress, something new I've learnt and experienced, rather than just being stagnant.

*Being quiet and not communicating as a safety behavior*
I told my therapist that the interviewer actually did most of the talking in the interview, which made it easy for me.

T: I've noticed you don't say a lot in therapy either, I tend to do most of the talking, maybe you could try elaborating on sentences rather than yes/no answers which end the conversation quickly?
Me: I don't like saying lots because I think I sound stupid and that other people will be getting bored of me talking
T: I see. Some people are naturally introverted and quiet, but it seems like for you it's a safety behavior?

Underlying beliefs -> Fear event -> Negative thoughts -> Anxiety -> Safety behaviors --> Believe danger has been avoided, reinforces underlying beliefs

*Homework/self focus*
My homework task was to invite a friend over. My predictions were:
-They will say no because they hate me
-They will come but will be bored and then will never want to hang out with me again
What actually happened:
My friend said yes, and came over. I felt so pressurized to keep doing fun fun fun stuff all the time to prevent her having a boring time. So I think she did have fun. She wants us to hang out again.

How much reality supports my predictions:
0%

My therapist said a lot of my focus was on me; my thoughts and behaviors were all reinforcing my self focus, which in turn made me try to impress my friend because I was scared of her being bored and rejecting me (self focus) - rather than having fun because I wanted my friend to have a good time (other-focus).
She also asked if I'd ever invited a friend over and that friend had said that they were bored and consequently never saw me again - this hasn't ever happened to me.

*What it means to be boring*
In general, I'm scared of anyone thinking I'm boring, dull and negative. So I try really hard to be fun and upbeat.

T: Has anyone ever told you that you're boring?
Me: No...
Me: But what if someone really did tell me that I was boring?
T: Can anyone really be "fun" to everyone, all the time? 
Me: No I guess not. I lived with a guy once who was the absolute life and soul of the party 90% of the time. Always buzzing, always happy, always laughing, hated negative people. I thought he was fun to be around, but my friend hated him (she thought he was immature, indecisive and messy) and didn't think he was fun to be around at all
T: If someone talked to me about football nonstop I would probably be bored. But if I was talking to someone about CBT, they would be interesting to me because we have a common interest
Me: What if someone doesn't have any interests?
T: Everyone is interested in something - even if it's being a couch potato and watching TV! They might find someone who also really just likes sitting on the sofa and watching TV, they would discuss their favorite programs etc..

I realise the same goes for being ugly or pretty, smart or dumb, etc. It's all subjective.

*T: What would your boyfriend have to do to prove that he likes you, and only you?*
I don't know what the answer is to this because my brain will always find a way around it....

e.g. He would have to not talk to any other girls --> but he could be thinking about them when he's with me --> How would I ever stop that? Make him get a lobotomy?

*Daily habits*
I fell off the bandwagen with my daily habits (exercise, meditation etc) so I'm focusing on getting back on track with these next week. 
*Meditation: 0 days done*

*CBT study or practical work: 1 days done

Clean: 2 days done

Apply for jobs: 2 days done*

*Exercise: 0 days done*

_*HOMEWORK*_


Ask 2 alone strangers for the time, and 1 group of people for the time
Predictions:
They will ignore me - 90%
They will look at me weirdly and walk off - 70%
They'll start talking to me - 30%
They will all laugh at me (the group) - 80%


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## The Exodus (Jul 31, 2014)

I think it's really cool that you'd take the time to go through this kind of thing, I think it will help a lot of people. I thought I might go through it and see if there's anything in it to help me, but I don't know what the likelihood of that is. I usually struggle with SA no matter what advice I get given, so I'm on the verge of just giving up. I still feel like I should search around though.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

The Exodus said:


> I think it's really cool that you'd take the time to go through this kind of thing, I think it will help a lot of people. I thought I might go through it and see if there's anything in it to help me, but I don't know what the likelihood of that is. I usually struggle with SA no matter what advice I get given, so I'm on the verge of just giving up. I still feel like I should search around though.


Thanks  Have you tried face to face CBT therapy, and doing exposure exercises?

*TALLY COUNTER:* *24*

So in today's therapy we covered:

*Homework review* - *Exposure*
I managed to approach 1 lady (50 years old), a group (consisting of 40 year old man, 60 year old woman and young child) and 1 man (50 years old) and ask them for the time. It was terrifying, but after I'd done it I was so pleased with myself. I think this has been the most effective treatment so far, the only problem is that it's so scary so I need to work up lots of courage to do it! Baby steps I guess.

I also noticed that I asked mainly older people as a kind of safety behavior. I want to try asking people my own age and teenagers where the risk of being laughed at is higher.

*Predictions:*
 They will ignore me - 90%
Didn't happen. Nobody ignored me. Revised belief - 0%
 They will look at me weirdly and walk off - 70%
Didn't happen. 5%
 They'll start talking to me - 30%
Didn't happen. 10% (my therapist asked me exactly what people would talk to me about if I was asking them for the time. Couldn't answer)
 They will all laugh at me (the group) - 80% 
Didn't happen. 5%

My therapist asked me what I would think if somebody did laugh at me for asking for the time, or ignore me. Possible reasons: they have social anxiety themselves, having a bad day, grouchy person in general...

*Thought diary review*
Situation: Asked to smell coffee boyfriend made, he tells me I need to take the lid off in order to smell it
Mood: Humiliated, angry, upset
Thoughts: He thinks I'm dumb, he always treats me like I'm stupid, he doesn't like me because I'm stupid, no one will ever like me 
Evidence that supports: He has said similar things to me like this before, the comment that he made
Evidence that doesn't support: He didn't say I was dumb, I don't know what he's thinking, he values intelligence so if he thought I was dumb he wouldn't be with me

Points raised by therapist:


Was it really me that was being dumb, when you can actually smell coffee through a lid?
Are you mind reading? (yes).
If my boyfriend thought I was dumb why would he be with me? And if he likes dumb girls then whats the problem?
Does he ever praise work you do? (yes he does). Are you only focusing on the negative and ignoring the 50 positive things he says and does?
I have a tendency to overgeneralise and filter out the positive A LOT. So I will take one instance and then use that to form a conclusion about EVERYTHING. i.e. EVERYONE hates me, he ALWAYS thinks I'm dumb, NO ONE will EVER like me. I need to be more situationally focused.

*What it means to be dumb
*Dumb is subjective. To someone who studies chemistry another person not knowing the basic periodic elements may be viewed as dumb. But I wouldn't think they were dumb. Everyone knows about something, everyone has some intelligence in some area. There is someone out there that has common interests with you.

Also: would I want to be with someone who categorizes people in a narrow minded way into dumb, smart, pretty, ugly etc?

*New homework exposure*
To develop a 'shaky hand' in a social setting (i.e. pub) and to spill drink
Predictions:
People will laugh at me 100%
People will be pointing at me saying there's something wrong with me 100%
People will be saying I'm stupid 100%


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## Son of The Sun (Apr 22, 2014)

Hello!

I am very glad tat I've found your topic. I will use it for myself, since there are many similarities with my thoughts.

E.g. I found myself lying a lot to make myself more interesting or to present myself as less isolated. Although I am not inventing complex stories, just confirming that I know certain places or people, about which I never heard of.

I should do such work for myself, but I am don't have any guidance nor determination to do this. Instructions given you by the therapist reminds me of self-therapy resources of Center for Clinical Interventions, like unhelpful thinking styles.
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/BB-5-Unhelpful Thinking Styles.pdf

Anyways, thank you for posting this


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Son of The Sun said:


> Hello!
> 
> I am very glad tat I've found your topic. I will use it for myself, since there are many similarities with my thoughts.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to read my journal! I've never kept a journal like this before, I think it's because I have a therapist and I wanted somewhere I could document all our sessions so I wouldn't forget what she has taught me!
Thats a great resource, thanks!

--

*TALLY COUNTER: 25

*So went to therapy yesterday:

*Homework review* - *Exposure

*I didn't do it!:noI went into Costa, ordered a cold drink and tried to make my hand shake enough to spill it but felt like *everyone* was staring at me, ready to pounce at me and laugh at me for being stupid. I panicked and left. I feel really sad that I didn't manage to do this, but I will try again. I will try building up to it, i.e.
Day 1: Shake hand a little
Day 2: Shake hand a lot
Day 3: Spill a little
Day 4: Spill a lot

*Blushing exposure*

My therapist asked me to bring along a red lipstick last week so we could try putting it on our cheeks and going out to shops. So we did exactly that!

My predictions were:

People will stare 100%
People will point and make a comment or laugh 90%
I will run into someone I know 80%

Possible problems: 
Panicking, being too scared to do it

Strategies to overcome these problems:
She taught me a new calming technique - square breathing. The idea is that you focus on a rectangular object (like a picture frame) and breath in whilst looking along the left long side of the rectangle, hold the breath whilst looking along the short top side, breath out along the right long side, and hold again for the bottom short side.

Outcome of experimentation:
Nobody really looked at us (no more than usual)
Nobody said anything or laughed at us
Nobody pointed at us
I didn't run into anyone I knew

How much the outcome supports the thoughts I had
0%

*HOMEWORK
*

Prepare a 2-3 minute presentation to give in front of my therapist whilst she records it on a phone
Spill drink


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So I went to a shopping centre twice this weekend on my own and tried to spill a drink in front of other people - but panicked too much and couldn't do it! So I tried a simple exposure of sitting on a bench in the middle of the shopping centre and seeing just how many people notice me. I'm always super paranoid in busy public places that everyone stares at me, or is secretly laughing at me, so this was a great way to disprove that.

Anxiety before exposure (at home, alone): 9/10
The predictions were:
I will run into someone I know 100% (after 0%)
People will laugh at me and make comments about me 100% (after 0%)
Everyone will stare at me 100% (after 0%)
Shop assistants will laugh at me 100% (after 0%)

Anxiety during: 8/10
Outcome:
I didn't run into anyone I knew 
Nobody laughed at me or made comments about me
Shop assistants didn't laugh at me
People didn't stare at me unless I looked at them. I imagined everyone having their eyes glued on me, and I thought that basically I was the centre of what everyone would be thinking about - but I wasn't. Kids, married couples, young couples, old people, teenagers, lone people - all walked past without staring at me, laughing at me, or commenting on me. From their perspective, even if they looked at me, I'm just a girl sitting on a bench.

Anxiety after 30 mins on the bench: 7/10

A shop assistant also tried to engage me in small talk about the whether, which was awful.

*Thought*: I sounded like a socially awkward retard, she probably thought I was awkward and felt sorry for me

*Evidence that supports the hot thought:*
I stumbled over my words and repeated myself

*Evidence that does not support the hot thought:*
Even though I stumbled over my words it doesn't mean she thought badly of me or felt sorry for me. (see fact or opinion:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/factopinion.htm)
I have no idea what she thought of me
She smiled at me and said goodbye, so she can't have thought I was that awful

------------
I've realised the WORST thing for my anxiety is isolating myself in my room, on my computer or just being by myself and not seeing or talking to anyone - because when I go outside I can actually see that people aren't concerned about me (they don't even look at me) and I'm not that hideous (nobody runs away screaming or laughs at me). Even simple things like driving a car can help, as I think if I was that hideous and that much of a failure then I would crash and other people would be honking at me, or winding down their windows and shouting abuse at me - but it just doesn't happen.

But when you don't see or interact with anyone your belief isn't being disproved so you only get more anxious. 
---------
Daily routines at the moment:
*10 min meditation:* 4/7
*CBT Study:* 4/4
*x20 leg crunches:* 6/7
*x20 stomach crunches:* 4/4


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So another therapy session today. We covered:

*Scores on the anxiety & depresison test*
She asked me to think of a situation in the last week which had influenced my ratings on the test.
Situation: Housemate's girlfriend coming over to visit (who I have met before). Being too scared to say hello to her or talk to her, so I stayed in my room and ignored both of them or left the house all day to avoid seeing them.
Thoughts: She doesn't like me, she doesn't want to talk to me, she'll be bored by me
Evidence for: My housemate was once saying nasty things about me and she laughed at it (I overheard them)

My therapist asked me to draw a pie chart of what I thought were "probable" outcomes of talking to her. They were as follows:








She said quite a large proportion were negative outcomes. She asked if anyone had ever ignored me, or been nasty to me, when I tried to start a conversation with them (No, they haven't been). She asked me if my predictions were really realistic - _and I could see that they weren't_. I thought back to my exposure exercises, when I was so sure that other people would be laughing at me or being nasty to me -_ and it never happened_. She said I tended to do a lot of* catastrophising* - jumping to the worst thing that could happen in a situation, and being convinced that it WILL happen.

It was far more likely that she would've spoken to me and unlikely that she ignored me or was nasty to me. She said I seem to have the general view that all people are generally quite nasty and vicious (which is true...mental filter again. Tons of people have been nice to me, but I only seem to remember the nasty ones).

*Homework review*
So I told her about the failed exposure exercise of spilling a drink in public. She said she wasn't going to let me skip this one and asked me to give it another go! We got a cup of water and tried spilling it just to practice.

*Me*: I just think that other people will notice me purposely trying to spill it and confront me. "Why are you spilling that everywhere on purpose?"
*T*: And what would you say if they did say that?
*Me*: Hmmm.. I'd say it was an accident. Or that I didn't know what they were talking about. What if they think something is wrong with me because my hand is shaking?
*T*: Would you think that someone had something wrong with them if their hand was shaking like that? What would be so bad about someone thinking that there was something wrong with you? Would you really want to be friends with someone who was so judgemental?

Would I be nasty, mean and judgemental to someone who had a shaky hand? No, I don't think I would. I wouldn't think much about it. Which is what other people will think, judging by the lipstick on cheeks exposure. No one really cared.

*Presentation*
So I did my presentation in front of my therapist - a 2-3 minute one on drawing. I stood up and she filmed it.

My predictions were:
I'll forget what to say 100% (after it was 10%)
I'll blush a lot 100% (after it was 0%)
My therapist will think I'm boring 80% (after it was 0%)
Shaking 90% (after it was 5%)
I'll talk too fast or too slow 90% (couldn't verify this as microphone played up)
I'll stumble over my words 100% (again couldn't verify)

After I'd done the presentation, we rewatched the video for evidence of blushing and shaking (there were none). 
My therapist said she definitely wasn't bored and could've listened for 15-20 mins. She said that I didn't talk too fast or too slow or stumble over my words - but this was only her opinion so we will re-do it next week(yay!:|) when the microphone on my phone is working and review it then.

I told her I thought I looked fidgety and anxious on the video, but she didn't think I looked anxious or fidgety - she said some movement was good otherwise it would've been boring if I was just standing there.

*HOMEWORK
*

Spill drink in front of others - I WILL DO THIS!:yes


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So I repeated the shopping centre exposure and I tried to spill a drink in front of others, too.

The predictions were: (same as last week)
I will run into someone I know 100% (after 0%)
People will laugh at me and make comments about me 100% (after 0%)
Everyone will stare at me 100% (after 0%)
Shop assistants will laugh at me 100% (after 0%)

Outcome:
I saw someone I recognized, she walked past me - but not sure how I knew her, anyway I don't think she recognized me.
Shop assistants didn't laugh at me, giggle or point at me
People didn't stare at me unless I looked at them
Some guy jokingly said 'hello gorgeous' to me out of his van
A group of guys on the bus laughed at me as it drove by. I only caught a snippet of their conversation, but what I think I heard was "she has the same coloured trousers as you, reeeeyyyyy" and lots of laughter. The jeans I wore are bright electric blue, which is maybe why they thought it was funny. I felt a bit upset afterwards but in hindsight I think, well, I like my jeans so who cares what they think?

Sitting on a bench in a busy shopping centre
10 mins in: Anxiety is 80%
20 mins: 60%
30 mins: 60-70%
35 mins: 50%
Thoughts: Someone will say 'look at that girl all on her own, what a loser' and laugh at me. It was the possibility of this happening that made me anxious. I asked myself what the probability of this happening was - maybe 5-10%. I think at least 100 people must have passed me, and it didn't happen, so is my prediction really accurate?

Spilling a drink
Outcome: So I spilt water from my water bottle by developing a shaky hand. I was so embarassed by doing this that I kept my eyes fixed on my phone whilst I was doing it, so I have no idea if people were staring at me. But I didn't hear anyone laughing at me, and when I looked up again people just seemed to be milling around as usual.

My prediction was that everyone would stop walking and stare at me, and start laughing and pointing at me, yelling nasty things like 'what a stupid idiot!' (which didn't happen).


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So I turned up at the wrong time for my therapy appointment this week and missed it! So annoyed at myself :mumThe therapy sessions are making a massive difference in my progress and I feel like I've just set myself back a week.

I was hunting around the internet for exposure ideas and in the end I set myself the exposure therapy of going into a busy supermarket to do my weekly shop whilst wearing my top inside out.

Predictions:
People will point at me 100% (after it was 0%)
People will laugh at me 100% (after it was 0%)
People will raise their eyebrows at me 80% (after it was 0%)
People will call me stupid 80% (after it was 0%)

Outcome:
Nobody pointed at me
Nobody laughed at me
Nobody raised their eyebrows at me
Nobody called me stupid
Nobody really looked at me to be honest, let alone realized my top was inside out - people seemed to be far more interested in their shopping and picking food than what I was wearing.

Whilst paying for my food, the cashier told me that my top was inside out. I acted dumb and pretended that I was embarassed, and we laughed about it and I thanked her for pointing it out. She didn't laugh at me, or call me stupid. It was quite fun in the end!

I was shopping with my boyfriend and when I told him what I was going to do beforehand he was like 'oh god' and looked so embarassed. I wonder sometimes if he has a little bit of social anxiety himself.

How much the outcomes support my predictions: 0%

I was also thinking of some of my typical safety behaviors that I do when I'm anxious:
Say little 90%
Sleep 90%
Avoid situations 90%
Ask lots of questions 80%
Try to relax 70%
Wear certain clothes 60%


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So today in therapy we covered:

*Homework review*
So I managed to spill a drink in public by shaking my hand, but I was so embarassed that I had to look down and away, so couldn't disprove my theories ie. people will laugh at me, people will point and call me stupid

T: What's the worse that could happen?
Me: People will laugh at me
T: What would be so bad about that?
Me: I would look like an idiot
T: What does an idiot look like?
Me: Someone shaking, crying or on the verge of tears, stumbling over their words and being laughed at by others
T: So if you see someone shaking and crying with others laughing at them, do you think they're an idiot?
Me: No, I never would
T: Have you ever been in that position? People laughing at you whilst you're shaking and crying?
Me: No, but I have seen others in that position - at school
T: But children and teenagers can be quite nasty and immature. Adults are different. Have you ever witnessed anything like that in your adult life?
Me: No, admittedly not

In fact I have rarely heard of situations like that happening between adults (except in abusive relationships perhaps).

She also drew a pie chart of everyone in the entire world (7,000,000,000 people), and a prediction of the percentage of people that are nasty and horrible:








She said that my percentages were skewed - I think a lot more people will be nasty to me than the reality.

She gave me the task of trying to spill a drink everyday.
T: Would it help if you saw me spilling a drink and looked at how people reacted?
Me: Yeah it would. But I think they would react less nastily to you.
T: Why?
Me: I don't know (I think I'm inherently defective, or that other people can sense how inadequate I am and ridicule me - which is obvious bull****)

*Redid presentation*
So I redid my presentation and we recorded it again. My anxiety compared to last time was way less, and I actually felt a bit confident about it this time. The sound was still muffled but we managed to rewatch the recording and we went through my remaining predictions:

-I'll stumble over my words 100% (after it was 0%). Didn't do this.
-I will forget what to say 100% (after it was 5%). She said even if you do occasionally forget what to say(which is what happens to many people) it's how you manage the situation that counts (for example, I didn't walk out or completely freeze up. I managed to read my notes and carry on)
-I will talk too fast or too slow 80% (after it was 5%). When I was doing the presentation I thought I was talking too fast. But rewatching the video I thought I talked too slowly! We said it was funny how my perception of it changed so quickly. My therapist said my pace was fine. She said people naturally have different pacing - some people naturally talk fast, some slowly. She said she could understand and follow the presentation just fine.

*New homework task*
She gave me one of these to complete:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ActivityDiary.pdf

But instead of completing it as instructed we filled it in with social activities or activites that would help improve my exposure to social situations.

*Monday*: Spill a drink in front of housemates. Ask housemates out to pub on Friday.
*Tuesday*: Message someone on facebook and call them the wrong name "Hey Timmy!!!"
*Wednesday*: Make a post on Facebook
*Thursday*: Research a local drawing class that I could join. We thought this would be a good idea because I could meet people who I have stuff in common with. 
*Friday*: Go out for a drink with housemates
*Sat & Sun*: Spill drink in public

---------
My therapist is fantastic! :clap I think I've figured out what makes her so good. Instead of TELLING me how to think, she'll ask me questions and let me just figure it out for myself. It's the difference between:

"Dont fear mistakes" "Dont do this" "Do this" "Think this way" "Isnt it helpful to think like this?" "This is what rational people think like" ""Don't fear failure"

and her approach:

"What is so bad about making mistakes?" "Whats the worst thing that could happen if you failed?" "Have you made mistakes before? What happened? What is the likelihood of this happening?" "Have you seen this happen before? Would you think that about someone else who was doing xyz?" "What is the *evidence* for that thought?"

She doesn't dictate to me what my life philosophy should be. She just guides me down a better route, which I really like.

--------
Daily routines at the moment:

*Meditate 10 mins daily:* *19/19 days done*
*x30 leg crunches: 19/19 days done
x10 stomach crunches: 19/19 days done*

Once I have reached 30 consecutive days on any habit I will add one more or adjust the existing one :yes


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Therapy again today. I was looking at the company my therapist is from and I actually think they're a charity!

I'm down to 36 on the Social Phobia Inventory (SPIN test http://psychology-tools.com/spin/) whereas at the begining of therapy I was at 67 :clap
------------

*Review homework task*

*Monday*: Spill a drink in front of housemates. Ask housemates out to pub on Friday.
Both of these went better than expected.

Experiment: Spill drink in front of housemates
Prediction: They will laugh at me 100% (after it was 10%. She did laugh at me, but it wasn't nastily or in a negative manner)
They will call me stupid 100% (after it was 0%)
They will point at me 100% (after it was 0%)
Outcome: She laughed, said 'good one' and went back to what she was doing 
What I have learnt from this experiment: People don't care what I do and people aren't as horrible as I think they are
So taking what you've learnt (people aren't as horrible as you think they are), how can you extend that learning? Try spilling drink in a pub.

*Tuesday*: Message someone on facebook and call them the wrong name "Hey Timmy!!!"

Prediction: They'll say stop messaging me you loser 90% (after it was 0%)
They will call me stupid 80% (after it was 0%)
They'll block and remove me 90% (after it was 0%)
Outcome: He said 'ha don't worry' - didn't block me or remove me. Didn't call me stupid and didn't say 'stop messaging me'.
What I have learnt from this experiment: People aren't as horrible as I think they are
So taking what you've learnt (people aren't as horrible as you think they are), how can you extend that learning? Contact a friend I haven't spoken to in a while on facebook

*Wednesday*: Make a post on Facebook

Prediction: Everyone will ignore me 100% (after it was 50%. Being ignored isn't as bad as you think it is)
Someone will comment something nasty 50% (after it was 0%)
Outcome: 1 person liked my post and nobody said anything nasty
What I have learnt from this experiment: People aren't as concerned with me as I think they are

*Thursday*: Research a local drawing class that I could join. We thought this would be a good idea because I could meet people who I have stuff in common with.

Outcome: Successfully did this and will be joining a drawing class this Sunday

*Friday*: Go out for a drink with housemates

We did this and it was good. I completely forgot to try and spill a drink though

*Sat & Sun*: Spill drink in public

Didn't do this! But I will this week.

------------

*Thought record of upsetting event from the last week*
Situation: Applying for jobs and not hearing a response
Moods: Upset 90% (after it was 50%) Humiliated 90% (after it was 90%) Rejected 80% (after it was 30%)
Automatic thoughts: I'm never going to get another job 100% (after the belief was 40%)
I'm a failure 
I'll never get anywhere
I'm rubbish compared to everyone else
Evidence that supports the hot thought: 
I've applied to lots of jobs but haven't heard a response
I've been to several interviews and never got the job

Evidence that does not support the hot thought: 
I got my current job after an interview
I did get 1 response from my applications
The job market isn't that great at the moment
20 applications isn't actually that many - my therapist said she knew someone that send out over 100+ job applications

She also suggested going to a job centre and seeing if they could offer any advice about my CV and how to improve it.

Alternative thoughts: I might get another job if i keep trying 70%
----------
I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but I think she suggested an exposure of tripping over/falling in a public setting. I was worried about people laughing at me. She said 'what would stop you laughing along if people were laughing?' and I couldn't think of a response.

------------

*Set new homework task*

We completed another activity diary for this week (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ActivityDiary.pdf) because I found this quite helpful last week.

*Tuesday*: Text friend I haven't seen in a while and ask to meet up
*Wednesday*: Make a post on Facebook with an intentional spelling mistake
*Thursday*: Spill drink in public
*Friday*: Spill drink in public
*Sat*: Talk to cashier in shop
*Sun*: Go to drawing class

------------
I found another awesome youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/whatever/videos
I'm not sure if they were intended to be exposure exercises but hopefully one day I will be fearless enough to do the kinds of things they're doing :b

------------
Daily routines at the moment:

*Meditate 10 mins daily:* *26/26 days done*
*x30 leg crunches: 26/26 days done
x10 stomach crunches: 26/26 days done*


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

I tried an exposure today of asking people to directions to a road I was already on. It's quite a famous, well known road.

Predictions:
They will laugh at me and walk off 100% (after it was 0%)
They will tell me I'm on the road that I'm on 10% (after it was 99%)
They will ignore me 80% (after it was 0%)
They will threaten me 100% (after it was 0%)
They will call me ugly or stupid 80% (after it was 0%)
People in cars will yell abuse at me and throw things at me 80% (after it was 0%)

Outcome:
Nobody laughed at me, called me ugly or stupid, threatened me or ignored me. Nobody yelled abuse or threw things at me.

I asked 3 people, ended up interacting with 4:
1. Woman, 40's, dog walking: 

'This is xxx Road. What number are you looking for?' 
'Number 4' 
'Hmm, not sure. Is it a house?'
'Yeah'
'There's a few houses up there with house numbers on, it might be worth seeing what they say'
'Ok thanks'
2. Woman, 30's, running with earphones in: 

'This is xxxx Road' 
'Do you know where number 4 is?' 
'No, sorry, there's some houses over there you could look at the numbers' 
'Ok, thanks'
 3. Woman, 20s, cashier in shop:

'This is xxx Road, what number are you looking for?'
'Number 4'
'Well this is number 40, so it might be down that way'
At this point a woman queing piped up 'Yeah, this is xxx Road - it's quite a long road, it stretches all the way down to xxxx'
'Ok, I'll have a look, thanks'

How much the outcomes support my predictions: 0%
What I have learnt: People are keen to help you, if you ask. People aren't as nasty as I predicted they would be.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Therapy again...

*Review homework task*

*Tuesday*: Text a friend, ask to meet up

I left this until Sunday (last minute) and my friend only just responded saying she would like to come but it would have to be next Monday.

T: Ahh so you procrastinated...what were you afraid that might happen?
Me: She would be unable to come which would mean she no longer liked me or wanted to see me anymore
T: If she couldnt come, would there be any possible other reasons as to why she couldn't make it?
Me: Hmm.. if she was already busy, or feeling unwell, or just didn't fancy going out (sometimes I don't fancy going out - I just want to relax at home)

*Wednesday*: Post on facebook with spelling mistake - I didn't do this! I didn't think I had anything interesting enough to post. My therapist said I couldve posted just that - "what a boring day it is today"

*Thurs & Fri*: Spill drink in public
I kinda managed to do this. I practiced tripping over, and managed to trip over 4-5 times in front of people and spill my drink. Nobody said or did anything. Nobody laughed.

I would like to do this in front of 20+ people (like in a crowded shopping centre.)

*Saturday*: Talk to cashier in shop

Prediction: They will ignore me 80% (after it was 0%)
They'll think 'why is she talking to me?' - (Therapist: 'But how will you know this?') - evidenced by rolling their eyes or talking sarcastically to me 90% (after it was 0%)
Conversation will be awkward (not saying much) - 100% (after it was 10%)

Outcome: I asked the cashier where her top was from, because I liked it. She told me she brought it 6 years ago in River Island!

What I have learnt from this experiment: People rarely ignore you when you're talking to them
So taking what you've learnt (People rarely ignore you when you're talking to them), how can you extend that learning? Approach people and talk to them.

We were discussing 'awkward silences'.
Me: The conversation was awkward
T: In what way?
Me: Conversation didn't really flow, lots of silences, etc
T: It's important to remember that between complete strangers the conversation is rarely flowing because you barely know the person. You can try asking questions, but be careful not to bombard them with questions - give them a chance to respond. 
What makes silence awkward? - just think about when you're with your boyfriend, in silence. You can't talk 24/7, there has to be silence at some point, a break in the conversation, some kind of end - otherwise everyone would be talking all of the time!

*Sunday*: Joined drawing group
This was fun, but there wasn't really any "chit chat" going on - everyone was pretty silent throughout the class.

T: Wasn't there a break?
Me: Yeah, but I went to the cafe and got some food during the break
T: Would you feel confident enough to approach someone to talk to them?
Me: Yeah I can try
T: What would you say?
Me: How is your drawing going? How long have you been drawing for? What's your favorite thing to draw? How long have you been part of this club? 
T: Great! It's important to remember that everyone there has a common interest: drawing. It's easier to start a conversation based on that interest, rather than, say, cooking or sport (of which they may have no interest in at all).

------
We were thinking of new exposure ideas which would be humiliating, and came up with a few:
-Farting in public 10/10
-Burping in public 10/10
-Drawing an utterly crap drawing in art group 7/10
-Falling over in front of someone 8/10
------------*
Responding to criticism roleplay
*I tried to respond to her criticism, and then we flipped roles and I criticised her.

Me: That jumper you're wearing is horrible
T: Really? I quite like it. Why don't you worry about your own jumpers and p*ss off?

Whereas my roleplay went like this:

T: That jumper you're wearing is horrible
Me: In what way?
T: It's so last season you won't make any friends wearing that
Me: But I quite like it
T: Trust me on this I have more fashion sense than you
Me: But I like it!
T: It's horrible! You need to take it off and wear something else
Me: OK

She said it's better to just shut someone down completely, rather than to ask for more details and dig a bigger hole.

Me: What about if someone points out a mistake I made?
T: What would that make you think?
Me: That I'm a failure or that it was a waste of time doing the task in the first place
T: But that mistake might only be a tiny part of the work you've done, so it doesn't make the whole thing worthless, does it?








--------------
*Set new homework task*

We completed another activity diary for this week (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ActivityDiary.pdf)

*Tuesday*: Comment on a complete stranger's photo on facebook (i.e. 'nice photo!')
*Wednesday*: Make a post on facebook with spelling mistake
*Thursday*: Drawing group - approach someone and talk to them
*Sat*: Wear jumper inside out whilst shopping, talk to cashier
*Sun*: Spill drink

-----
Daily routines at the moment:

*Meditate 10 mins daily:* *33/33 days done*
*x30 leg crunches: 33/33 days done
x10 stomach crunches: 33/33 days done*
*Walk alone 5 mins: 2/2 days done*


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So I've been looking at work situations and how I face customers on the phone and in real life.

My predictions are always:
They will call me awkward and boring 100%
They will say something nasty 90%
There will be awkward silences 100%
I will stumble and stutter my words 100%
They will tell me I am incompetent 100%
They will try to end the transaction/conversation 90%

Outcome: (I predict that I have had over 1265+ conversations with people on the phone at work, and met at least 5 customers face to face)

Nobody has ever laughed at me
Nobody has ever called me boring or awkward
I rarely stumble or stutter over my words - but when I do, customers don't tell me anything nasty because it happened
Nobody has ever said I am incompetent
Nobody has ever tried to force the end of a transaction- this is usually me doing this.

What I have learnt: People aren't as horrible as I think they are.

--------------

I've also been looking at perfectionism in drawing, cleaning, making music etc, using this worksheet:
http://getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Perfection.pdf

Situation: Drawing people

Goal: Become badass at drawing

*The worst 0%* Doesn't look remotely human
*Below Average 25%* Looks somewhat human, proportions are off
*Acceptable 50%* Looks human like, ok proportions, ok shading
*Excellence 75%* Good proportions, good shading
*Perfection 100%* Amazingly realistic, beautiful clean shading

*Am I doing that black and white thinking habit again?* Yes. Most of my drawing hit the acceptable mark, but I tend to think they are complete failures. 
*How high have I set that bar?* I expect 100% perfection every time. 
*Is this serving my goal?* No, because I become so afraid to fail that I don't do anything thereby my drawing skill slowly reduces through lack of practice.
*Could I lower that bar a little?* I could aim for acceptable everytime. 
*Consider the consequences. *I would be likely to do more drawing, as I feel less pressure to achieve 100% excellence.

Situation: Making music

Goal: To learn how to produce good music, To become a professional musician

*The worst 0%* Sounds awful and unbearable to listen to
*Below Average 25%* Lacking any rhythm or melody
*Acceptable 50%* ok melody and rhythm, ok mixing
*Excellence 75%* Good melody and rhythm, good mixing
*Perfection 100%* Fantastic top charts potential, compares to professionally produced music

*Am I doing that black and white thinking habit again?* Yes
*How high have I set that bar?* I expect it to compare to professionally produced music all the time (100%)
*Is this serving my goal?* No because I become afraid of failure and don't do anything. The best way to learn is by making mistakes, but because I don't want anything less than perfection with no mistakes, I don't learn anything.
*Could I lower that bar a little?* I could aim for acceptable everytime.
*Consider the consequences. *I would make more mistakes, learn more, and produce more music, thereby getting better over time (rather than doing nothing).

---------

Have a great weekend everyone


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Just a few things...
I have listed my exposure fear hierachy on my tumblr account, and my aim is to complete all of the tasks on there over and over again:
http://anxietyjourney.tumblr.com/exposure

I've also been using a variation of the 10-10-10 method when I feel scared about doing exposures. 
I ask myself three questions:

What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes?
In 10 months?
And in 10 years?
i.e. "I don't want to trip over in front of others because people will laugh at me" ---> Does it matter/are people going to remember it in 10 mins (maybe), 10 months (unlikely), and 10 years (no)?
Will I feel the benefits of doing this exposure in 10 mins (yes), 10 months (yes), 10 years (yes)?

So what would be the best thing to do in this situation --> Do the exposure!

--------

I went to a shopping centre today to repeat some exposures I've done before. I'm finding it works like a muscle, your anxiety goes down after exposures and then creeps up again if you don't do any exposures for a while. So you have to do them over and over again.

1. Walking into shops
Predictions:
People will laugh at me 100% (after it was 80%)
Shop assistants will laugh at me, make comments, giggle at me or point at me because of what I'm wearing 100% (after it was 80%)
Outcome: Nobody laughed at me, shop assistants/people didn't laugh at me, giggle, make comments or point at me.

2. Spilling a drink in public by tripping
Predictions: People will laugh at me, giggle at me, point at me 100% (after it was 80%)
Outcome: I did it 6 separate times in front of at least 20 people. Nobody laughed, nobody pointed, nobody giggled.

3. Talk to cashier
Predictions: There will be awkward silences 100% (after it was 50%)
this would be bad because...she will think I'm awkward --> awkward being someone who cannot have flowing conversations with people (can anyone really have flowing conversations with every person, all of the time?)
Outcome: There were a few silences, but it wasn't that bad. I'd give it a 5/10 on the scale of embarassingness. It was embarassing but not earth shatteringly bad, basically. There are far worse things I can think of (breaking a leg, being ill, being in physical pain) than silent pauses in a conversation with a stranger. 
I realise that I actually feel most upset when I'm alone and analyzing these situations for days, months and years after, rather than when it actually happens.

-------

I found this helpful article on how to stop caring what other people think:
http://lifehacker.com/how-to-stop-giving-a-f-ck-what-people-think-1530784365

"A study done by the National Science Foundation claims that people have, on average, 50,000 plus thoughts a day. This means that even if someone thought about us ten times in one day, it's only 0.02%of their overall daily thoughts. It is a sad but simple truth that the average person filters their world through their ego, meaning that they think of most things relating to "me" or "my." This means that unless you have done something that directly affects another person or their life, they are not going to spend much time thinking about you at all."


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

So therapy again yesterday!

*Review homework task*

*Tuesday*: Comment on a complete stranger's photo on facebook (i.e. 'nice photo!')

Managed to do this, it was a group photo though. 
Predictions:
People I know will respond to my comment with 'haha what a weird comment' 90% (after it was 30%)
The owner of the photo will respond with 'who are you, you weirdo?' and publicly humiliate me 100% (after it was 40%)
Outcome: Nobody responded (friends or photo owner), nobody said anything

*Wednesday*: Make a post on facebook with spelling mistake
Predictions:
People will comment pointing out the mistake and laughing at me 'haha you cant spell _______ you are retarded!'
Outcome: Few people liked my post, nobody commented on it

*Thursday*: Drawing group - approach someone and talk to them
Couldn't do this as the drawing group I wanted to attend was cancelled. I will try to find another one this week.

*Sat*: Wear top inside out whilst shopping, talk to cashier
Predictions:
People will point at me, laugh at me, giggle at me and make comments to me
Outcome: Nobody said anything or really looked at me twice. Cashier didn't say anything

*Sun*: Spill drink in public
Predictions:
People will point at me, laugh at me, giggle at me and make comments to me
Outcome: Nobody did or said anything

*Discuss interview*
So I went for a job interview but unfortunately didn't get the job. I know the person who did get the job though (friend of friend), and she is more qualified than me and also had the advantage of knowing someone already working at the company. So I don't feel quite so bad.

T: That's the reason why you probably don't get most jobs - there's someone with more experience or qualifications than you. Try not to personalize it.
Me: Yeah, I tend to think it's because there is something inherently wrong with me because I never get any feedback, but I can see now that sometimes it's not all about me!

*Falling over exposure*
Me and my therapist tried doing this in the therapy session.

Experiment: Tripping and falling over (on to floor) in front of other people
Prediction: People will laugh 100% (after it was 10%)
People will point 90% (after it was 0%)
People will make comments 90% (after it was 10%)
People will giggle 100% (after it was 5%)

Possible problems:
Being too anxious to carry it out

Strategies to overcome these problems:


Square breathing technique
Deep breathing technique
Walk away and relax, and then retry

Outcome of experiment:
So first of all my therapist did this on the street so I could observe. She fell over right in front of an elderly man and stayed on the floor for a good 20 seconds. The man looked at her and walked past, looking back at her, looking quite confused. I couldn't stop laughing - I had tears in my eyes from laughing so much, it looked so funny :no

Then we went to a supermarket for me to try it out. I tripped and fell in front of a young guy and he said 'careful!' and kind of smiled at me. Nobody else in the shop even noticed, and if they did, they didn't laugh, point or giggle. I was quite quick to get back up again and my therapist said the bloke looked like he was ready to help me up. She also said that she has done this with a few clients before and most people have:
1. ignored her, trying to pretend they haven't seen her fall over or 
2. helped her up

What I have learnt from this experiment: Most people didn't notice - and if they did notice then they weren't horrible about it
My plan to extend this learing: Try this again in a busy high street/shop

*Homework task*


Research art group to join and talk to someone in the group - because I can do what I enjoy along with a social exposure
Fall over on to floor in crowded shop/high street


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## Sleeper92 (Oct 3, 2010)

stopped reading after "and a boyfriend"


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Sleeper92 said:


> stopped reading after "and a boyfriend"


Why's that?

--------

I managed to phone strangers to book a hair appointment, reserve a table at a restaurant and phone a woman about the art group today :clap

I had been putting these things off for so long and I felt so relieved after I'd done it. It was nowhere near as bad or as awful as I thought it would be. 
My predictions were that they would laugh at me, call me something nasty or critisize me. None of these things actually happened.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Long time no update! I've had two therapy sessions since last updating.

*Session 1 (last week):*
I've noticed that as my social anxiety goes down, my general anxiety has become higher. So instead of being so anxious about social situations, I'm just plain anxious most of the time (i.e. not being to stop or control worrying about different things, being unable to relax, feeling afraid as if something bad will happen)
My therapist suggested trying *progressive muscle relaxation. *There are tons of guides and youtube videos out there to help with this and it's really helped so far.

My therapist also let me know that we have 4 sessions left so we're going to start wrapping things up (boohoo! I don't want it to end!:blank)

We discussed a situation that had me feeling socially anxious within the last week, and it was as follows:
Situation: Attending friend's party and barely talking to anyone
Moods: Embarassed 90%, rejected 50%, upset 40%
Automatic thoughts: I look like an idiot 90% (T: 'What does an idiot look like?'), nobody wants to talk to me because I'm boring, other people are more witty, I'm boring, other people want to spend time with fun people
Evidence that supports: Standing on my own and barely talking to anyone throughout the whole evening, if I'm quiet people won't want to spend time with me
Evidence that does not support: Nobody said I looked like an idiot, not saying much doesn't mean I look like an idiot, people have wanted to hang out with me before when I've been quiet

Me: I had nothing in common with them
T: How do you know you have nothing in common with them?
Me: I don't, I guess..... I'm just assuming

Talked about being outgoing vs on the outskirts...

T: Is it an all or nothing scale? Can people only be outgoing or on the outskirts? Is there no in between scale?
(we drew a scale with 'social butterfly' at one end and 'outskirts' on the other end, and we placed me more towards the 'outskirts' end, but not 100% so)

We also talked about telling people I go to therapy..

Me: But they might think I'm crazy
T: If your friends did say you were crazy for attending therapy - are they really people you would want to be friends with?
Me: No, I guess not

Talked about getting drunk...

T: What happens when you get drunk? Do you tend to become a lot more talkative?
Me: Not really
T: Some socially anxious people tend to become a lot more outgoing when they're drunk, but mabe you're just a naturally quiet person

*Session 2 (today) (3 sessions to go!):*
We did an exposure today: having a 1 on 1 chat with one of my therapist's really cute work colleagues (whilst my therapist was out of the room) who I have never met before. I filmed it.

Prediction: There will be awkwardness (i.e. he will be fidgeting, he will look bored, he will give short answers) 100%
There will be nothing to talk about 90%
He will think I'm crazy 80%
I will look and act nervous (blushing, stumbling over my words) 100%
He will think I'm a loser 80%
I will look like an idiot (mind will go blank, I won't know what to say) 100%
The conversation will be awkward 100% (awkward pauses and awkward silences)
He will think I'm boring 90%

Outcome: urghhhh we had to sit and watch the recording of me talking to him to test out my predictions - I hate looking at videos of myself because I realise how softly spoken and ugly looking I am
-My therapists colleague said he did NOT think I was boring, crazy or a loser
-I did not visibly blush or stumble over my words (therapist said I looked quite calm and relaxed actually)
-The conversation flowed and I managed to ask questions, I didn't completely freeze up and turn into a statue
-He didn't fidget, look bored or give short answers.

Me: But it still felt awkward to me
T: What would my colleague have to do to make you believe that the conversation wasn't awkward?
Me: I don't know
T: Maybe your gut instinct feeling isn't always right - just think about our previous exposures where you were so sure that it would end terribly and the predictions turned out to be false

*Homework*: Strike up a conversation with a stranger in a pub

*Self set homework:*
I want to try the following before our next therapy session (which is in two weeks):
-Develop a shaky hand whilst handing over money to pay for something
-Knock something over in public
-Fall over again in public
-Go to a pub/cafe by myself
-Smile at people I pass in the street
-Ask Someone That Works in a Shop for Advice On Something Unrelated to Their Job
-Spill drink in public


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## 525826 (Aug 29, 2014)

Rooting for ya


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

nobutapower said:


> Rooting for ya


Thanks 

Long time no update! My therapist has been off for a few weeks so I fell off the bandwagon a little bit. I'm quite worried about what will happen once we finish therapy because the weekly therapy sessions have helped hugely.

I've been keeping a daily mood log, as well as a record of my anxiety levels each day. A few things I've learnt over the past 2 weeks:
-My anxiety is lower after doing an exposure exercise vs. not doing one. I also feel happier after doing exposure exercises.
-My mood doesn't swing from highs to lows; it's just average (5/10) most of the time
-I have to do exposures several times before I really "believe" that nothing bad will happen
-If you're trying to start a new habit (such as running everyday, or meditating everyday)* start small*. Start with 5 minutes everyday, for 30 days: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/30DayChallenge.pdf
It really works! After completing 30 days, you can increase to 20 minutes, etc. By this time it is a habit. I have done this with meditation and have meditated everyday for about the last 2 months.

*What makes me feel better:*
-Hanging out with friends outside of house
-Meditation
-Exercise
-Doing exposure exercises
-Writing down my feelings and finding evidence for/against
-Working on hobbies
-Getting out of house

*What makes me feel worse/not any better:*
-Isolating myself inside browsing internet
-No outside interaction or communication
-Withdrawing from others
-Staying inside
-Not challenging anxiety provoking beliefs with real life experimentations
-Excessive sleep

Also been working through resources for generalised anxiety:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/gad.htm 
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/worrytree.pdf


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

1 more therapy session to go! I've had 20 so far. Our next session is going to be covering relapse prevention.

Today we discussed criticism, and how to give and receive it as we noticed I'm still scoring quite highly for the following statements on the SPIN questionnaire:
"5. Being criticized scares me a lot."
"12. I would do anything to avoid being criticized."

The following is what I can remember from the session. A lot of it is paraphrased. We roleplayed a few bits:

*T: Ask yourself "is the criticism justified? is it constructive?" *
1. If it is justified and you made a genuine mistake then why feel bad about it? 
2. Examine your thoughts i.e. are you thinking 'I'm such a failure' because of the mistake? How does one mistake make you, as a person, a complete failure? Are you likely to lose your job because of one mistake? How likely is it, in a percentage, to happen?
3. You're allowed to make mistakes - everyone makes mistakes. Have self compassion. 
4. Imagine you have a child, and your child made a mistake. Would you tell them that they are a failure? No! So why treat yourself in the same way? You will never be perfect, nor will anyone else, but that is ok. We all make mistakes and have said and done things we regret. I've said and done things I regret. 
5. What is so bad about making mistakes? What is the worst thing that can happen if you do fail? And how could you respond to the situation?

*If the criticism is not constructive and judgemental you can respond in the following ways:*

"you're a loser" judgemental/nasty criticism (not constructive) -> 'How am I a loser?' or simply walk away from the situation and carry on with your life. Only a small percentage of the population (less than 5%) are that nasty enough to say things like that, and you don't have to be nice to people like that.

"you're always late" all or nothing/generalizing criticism (not constructive) -> example of generalizing - 'i'm not always late, I was early yesterday. I'm sorry I was late today'

T: Being criticized: What would your most feared outcome be?
Me: Standing in a crowd of people, and someone calls me a loser and everyone agrees, points and laughs at me and also calls me a loser. 
T: Is that likely to happen? 
Me: No
T: What you're describing is bullying, something that would perhaps happen at primary school. It's unlikely to happen to you now, as an adult. Have you ever seen it happen to an adult?
Me: No

Me: I feel like I have to be nice to everyone and make everyone like me. Do things which make other people like me and respect me. Bend over backwards to meet other people's requests. 
T: Why?
Me: Because otherwise they will dislike me
T: What is so bad about other people disliking you? And is it likely to happen? How likely, percentage wise?

You're never going to be everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't mean that you've done something wrong. You're OK. There is nothing wrong with you. You make mistakes like me, like everyone else. There are people I've met who I dislike, and I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. You're allowed to like and dislike people. It's personal opinion, rather than fact.

T: Because you're socially sensitive, you may tend to remember and dwell on things that happened with people long after they have forgotten about it. Have you ever apologised to someone for something you've done, and that person has no idea what you're referring to?
Me: Yes!
T: People don't pay that much attention to what you say and do (evidenced by exposure therapies) Worry about your own life.

We also talked about how I thought I was boring, and how I thought I could be more interesting. I said by having hobbies and interests, such as climbing, which she recommended that I join a club for.
-------

I did a few exposures today, including picking my nose in public, asking a shop assistant where a particular shop was (it was right in front of me) and asking a pharmacy cashier something unrelated to their job ('how do you make spaghetti bolognese?')

*Picking nose in public:*
*Predictions*: People will tell me I'm disgusting 100%
People will look down on me, disgusted 100%
Everyone will stare at me 100%

*Outcome*: People close to me looked at me (most people didn't even notice)
No one said I was disgusting
Nobody looked down on me

*Asking a shop assistant where a particular shop was (it was right in front of me)*
*Predictions: *They will roll their eyes at me 100%
People will make comments like 'time waster' or 'idiot' 100%
People will ignore me and look down on me 100%

*Outcome: *Went into a phone shop where there was a group of 4 young shop assistants talking and asked the assistant where another phone shop was, he looked disappointed (lost a potential sale) and said it was next door.
Didn't roll his eyes at me, didn't make any comments, didn't ignore me or look down on me
*Asking a pharmacy cashier something unrelated to their job ('how do you make spaghetti bolognese?') *
*Predictions: *They will be annoyed (rolling eyes, angry expression) 100%
They will laugh at me 90%
They will say that they don't have time for this 100%
They will say they don't know 100%

*Outcome:* She said she wasn't sure how to make it (she was about 17), guessed it was some kind of meat and premade sauce. She didn't roll her eyes, look angry or laugh at me. She didn't say 'i don't have time for this'. She did say she didn't know - but she smiled as she said it and wasn't annoyed. She tried to help.


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## slowlyimproving (Jan 2, 2014)

sarahsjourney said:


> 1 more therapy session to go! I've had 20 so far. Our next session is going to be covering relapse prevention.
> 
> Today we discussed criticism, and how to give and receive it as we noticed I'm still scoring quite highly for the following statements on the SPIN questionnaire:
> "5. Being criticized scares me a lot."
> ...


That is so awesome! Keep at it and don't relapse. :clap

P.S Is there some kind of booklet that you're working out of?


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## slowlyimproving (Jan 2, 2014)

I scored 44 on that spin test-Severe Social Anxiety.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

slowlyimproving said:


> That is so awesome! Keep at it and don't relapse. :clap
> 
> P.S Is there some kind of booklet that you're working out of?


Thanks! Nope, just working with a therapist and briefly referencing the book "Mind over Mood" by Christine Padesky.

Last session today! I feel really sad and scared becuase now it is really all up to me. We have one last follow up session in 3 months time.

We completed the relapse prevention blue print:

*What have I learned? What has been useful to me? (Ideas and strategies, facts, new techniques):*
Thought record, exposure exercises, roleplaying, identifying unhelpful thinking habits

*How can I build on what I've learned? (bringing skills into everyday life, enlisting others help; attend other groups/courses for specific skills - be specific with action plans)*:

Keep attending groups - e.g drawing/art group
Accept every invitation to go out and socialise
Roleplay situations with friends
Read Overcoming Social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler
Read self help worksheets on get.gg

*What will make it difficult for me to do this? (Things in me e.g. motivation, hopelessness, things in the environment e.g. time pressures, lack of support):*
Motivation, fear and anxiety, hopelessness

*How will I overcome these difficulties? (Try to come up with specific strategies):*
Combating hopelessness: remembering that these strategies have worked in the past and that they could work again.
Thought record to challenge thoughts
Breathing exercises - out breath (e.g. exhaling any air in your chest for a long time)
Rewards

*What might lead to a setback for me? (Future stresses, known areas of vulnerability, life problems):*
Rejection, Job loss, death of family or friend, being dumped, nasty comments about me, making mistakes

Rejection: Am I actually being rejected here? Is it my fault? 
Scale of 0 - 100%, 
0% being not my fault, e.g. that person is just nasty and rude and 
100% being it's all my fault, I'm the problem here. 
Aim for 50/50.

*What are the signs of a setback? (Thoughts/feelings/behaviors):*
Thoughts: I'm a failure, all or nothing thinking, prediction/mind reading, personalization
Feelings: Hopelessness, anxiety, panic, depression, irritation, humiliation, not caring anymore, suicidal feelings
Behaviors: Withdrawing from others, sleeping excessively, not responding to friends or family, shutting people out (not telling them what is bothering me), self harm, turning down any invitations to socialise, browsing internet excessively in order to distract from problems/overwhelming feelings, not eating

* If I had a setback, what would I do about it? (specific skills, cheerleading statements, seek help):*
Thought diary
Support from friends - this is a big one for me! I have a tendency to shut down when there are problems in my life or relationships, instead of talking about it. 
My therapist also said it's a good idea to have other things going on in my life other than just my boyfriend - so if the "relationship" section of my "life interests pie chart" breaks down, then I still have other things I can rely on:








-----------------------------------

I managed to get another job :clap I was so nervous about giving in my notice at work, I create an exposure exercise out of it:

Situation: Giving my notice in at work
Predictions: My boss will hate me and act nastily towards me (stop talking to me, act very cold towards me) 100%
He will be rude towards me 80%
Everyone at work will ignore me from now on 80%

Outcome: He wanted me to stay and offered me a payrise to stay. He was not nasty to me or rude to me and he didn't act like he hated me. He was very fair, respectful and reasonable. He said he understood my reasons for leaving, but wished that I would stay.

How much it supports predictions: 0%. He was not as nasty as I predicted he would be.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

Congrats on the new job  That's good that your boss was nice about things.

I'll have to take a better look at your journal. You've been doing a really good job of sticking to it.


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## versikk (Nov 25, 2013)

You seem to have found a good therapist Sarah.

You are amazing, doing great progress  !!


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

slyfox said:


> Congrats on the new job  That's good that your boss was nice about things.
> 
> I'll have to take a better look at your journal. You've been doing a really good job of sticking to it.


Thank you 



versikk said:


> You seem to have found a good therapist Sarah.
> 
> You are amazing, doing great progress  !!


Thanks! 

--------------------------------------------------------------

Did a few exposures today:

Smile at 5 people in the street/mall

*Prections*: They will not respond 100%
They will say 'what is your problem?' aggressively 80%
They will laugh at me (if they are with their friends) 80%
They will smile back 5%

*Outcome*:
Person 1: woman was actually already smiling at me
person 2: woman didnt see me - wasnt looking at me as we passed each other
person 3: woman looked at me but did not respond
person 4: smiled at shopping centre security guard, he did not respond
person 5: smiled at another woman, didnt look at me or notice

Nobody was aggresive or mean to me, most people weren't even looking at me or didn't respond

Develop a shaky hand whilst handing over money to pay for something in a shop

*Predictions*: The shop assistant will stare at me 100%
They will smirk at me 50%
They will ask 'are you ok?' 80%

*Outcome*: He didn't say anything! The line was so long I think he was just concentrating on getting each customer served as soon as possible and didnt really pay attention to me.

------------------------------

I'm going to slowly work my way through the exposures on my fear hierachy hopefully by the end of next year:

http://anxietyjourney.tumblr.com/exposure


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Just a quick exposure!

Tell my family that I have a boyfriend
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and he has never met my family. My family are quite overprotective and controlling - they asked me this weekend if I was seeing anyone, and I told them I was. (I would usually lie)

*Prections*: 
They will ask me non stop questions about my boyfriend - what he does, how much he earns, if he has "good genes" 100%
They will be annoying and make stupid, snide comments about me and my boyfriend 100%
They will not let the subject drop and the whole evening will be about me and my boyfriend 80%
They will ask me when they can expect grandchildren 80%

*Outcome*:
The conversation went as follows...
Dad: So are you seeing anyone at the moment?
Me: Yes I am
Dad: Male or female? (for some reason they think I'm a lesbian)
Me: Male
Dad: Ooh...what does he do? how much does he earn? only joking..

And then the conversation moved onto something else and it was never mentioned again! Hallelujah! Nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be.


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## Lovechild98 (Nov 15, 2014)

I love this thread...you are destined for great things with all this work you're putting in at such a young age. Keep up the amazing work!


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## Neo1234 (Mar 6, 2012)

Just wow! As soon as I read few sentences,I thought to myself I gotta read your whole journal   .Your doin an awesome job,keep at it.Good luck


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## Neo1234 (Mar 6, 2012)

However, I dont understand why you'd spill your drink just on purpose? to make it seem like just an accident to see how people react?Lets say, If people really knew what you did was on purpose,what would that be like? Wouldnt people be mad/aggravated then?Because nobody simply spills their drink.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Lovechild98 - What a nice comment thank you 
sonny680 - Thank you!

Regarding the spilling drink exposure: It was anxiety provoking to me because I didn't want to look stupid (by tripping and spilling a drink) or look like there was something wrong with me (by having a shaky hand and spilling a drink). I'm not trying to spill a drink _over_ people as they would probably start a fight with me! I would only ever spill it over myself.

Once I did the exposure I realised that people don't care about what I do as much as I thought they would. I thought people would laugh at me, point at me, make comments like "haha you spilt your drink all down yourself you're so stupid!" - but none of these ever happened and I've done it over 10 times.

If someone confronted me like "why are you spilling your drink down yourself on purpose?" I would say "it was an accident" or even "i'm doing a social experiment to see how many people notice" or something like that. The probability of this ever happening is very low - people barely looked at me when I did it!

---------------------------------------

I'm doing really well since finishing therapy. I have been meditating everyday which has helped loads. My plan over the next few months are as follows:
*-Join the gym and go 3x a week
-Join yoga classes at gym
-Join toastmasters (or similar public speaking club)
-Join and attend meetup.com group regularly*

I am getting quite anxious about starting a new job (what if I mess up and get fired? what if they figure out that I'm actually incompetent and fire me? someone is bound to find out that I blagged my way through the interview) - but I'm just trying to remind myself that:
1. They would not have offered me the job if they thought I was incompetent. I went through 2 interviews and I have met a director of the company. 
2. I didn't lie in my job interview or claim credit for anything I didn't actually do
3. I thought this way about my current job when I started and the predictions turned out to be false
4. They will probably make allowances for mistakes and they won't expect me to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time and making a mistake doesn't mean I'll be fired. 
5. I'm not being fair to myself - I enjoy the work I'll be doing so I will probably be quite proactive with whatever I'm doing.
6. It's unlikely that I'll get on with everyone or be everyone's cup of tea but that doesn't mean I'll be fired!
7. One mistake doesn't mean that everything I've done is worthless or that I'm a failure as a person


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

I've seen a few posts around here which basically state that someone's social anxiety can't be severe if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend. It absolutely can! I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and social phobia when I started therapy (which was free for me on the NHS). Throughout this time I have had a boyfriend. My boyfriend was my housemate before he was my boyfriend and this is how I met him.

Social anxiety affects everything I do, even time I spend with my boyfriend. Just a few examples:
-When we were dating, I would compulsively brush/floss my teeth before I would even let him near me to kiss me and if I didn't feel "clean" enough I wouldn't let him kiss me or get anywhere near my personal space. This still happens now even after a year. 
-Same with sex. I wouldn't let him near me unless I had showered thouroughly beforehand (spontaneity in our relationship does not exist). The idea of him thinking that I smell or that I'm gross and unhygienic is horrifying to me. 
-Crude content warning! - being female and anxious 24/7 makes certain "things" not function properly when being intimate (this still happens now after a year)
-There was a long period at the beginning where I was convinced that he didn't really like me, was only with me because I was a last resort, or that he was interested in other people. Because I wanted to avoid confrontation, I didn't bring it up. I was too anxious to talk to him about it. This meant a lot of cold shouldering and unfair treatment towards him which he was bewildered about.

These are just a few of the things anxiety affects which makes it _really_ difficult at times. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't magically erase your social anxiety (it certainly didn't erase mine - if anything, it made me go into worrying overdrive). It's always there because it's to do with *my* *beliefs* - even if my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, I immediately disregard it ("he probably wants something from me, he's trying to sweet talk me because he is secretly cheating on me, he doesn't mean it, he is just using me for sex")


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

sarahsjourney said:


> I've seen a few posts around here which basically state that someone's social anxiety can't be severe if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend. It absolutely can! I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and social phobia when I started therapy (which was free for me on the NHS). Throughout this time I have had a boyfriend. My boyfriend was my housemate before he was my boyfriend and this is how I met him.
> 
> Social anxiety affects everything I do, even time I spend with my boyfriend. Just a few examples:
> -When we were dating, I would compulsively brush/floss my teeth before I would even let him near me to kiss me and if I didn't feel "clean" enough I wouldn't let him kiss me or get anywhere near my personal space. This still happens now even after a year.
> ...


I fully agree. I have a girlfriend and I've had people say a few times on the "Frustration" forum that I must not have anxiety. I met my girlfriend on SAS. We both stay in a lot, so in some ways we enable each others anxiety.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

*slyfox* - That's really cool that you met from SAS! Yeah I know what you mean, me and my boyfriend both stay home a lot too so it works quite well and is "comfortable" but in some ways I feel like it's enabling me

-------------------------------

Bad news...my anxiety is slowly creeping up again since finishing therapy :mum

I realized something important today....I'm avoiding doing what would be most helpful to me because it's scary to do. Exposure exercises are definitely the quickest route to recovery and reduced anxiety (for me, anyway) but I keep avoiding it and doing other things which I think will help, like:
-Meditation
-Gym
-Eating healthily
-Reading of psychology books
-Reading of "mood boosting" books

My mind rationalizes: "I have to do these things before I can recover, I can skip the exposure exercises if I do the above, I have to master the above habits before I do any of the scary stuff, I have to wait until I feel better to do the exposures"....

Don't get me wrong - the above things DO help...but only marginally for me and they don't work on their own. *I must keep doing exposure exercises!*


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Hey everybody just a quick update 

I have slowly been improving on my own, I have my 3 month checkup with my therapist next week and I'm really looking forward to it. My new job is ace, the only downside is that I'm stuck in my own office therefore don't really interact much with the people I work with! It's quite stressful and busy too, but hopefully I can work on techniques to stop getting so stressed out by it.

I've been reading and practicing DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) which is useful:
http://www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook in DBT Group.pdf

Combined with CBT = really effective

I went on holiday with family a few weeks ago and stayed in a chalet (basically a small hotel which caters for maximum 16 people). We ended up sharing it with a big group of family/extended family and they were all really lovely. I had a few bouts of panic and anxiety before talking to them, so I was a little bit withdrawn, but I think I did well overall - they were friendly and easy to talk to. It felt a bit like a week long exposure task because there was no way to get away from them - every meal was spent on a communal table, so you had to make conversation!

Also spending a week with my family made me realise a few important things:
1. Sometimes they talk to me with absolutely no respect and are quite rude towards me. (example: "sarah turn it off you peice of sh*t"). Before therapy I think I just thought this was the normal way families talked to each other.

2. My family aren't really supportive or loving. My dad guilt trips me a lot (I paid for this meal so you _will_ eat it all) and is quick to anger and talk down to people. He ridicules most things out of the norm.

3. We're all bad communicators - instead of sitting down and honestly telling each other how we feel and work something out, we'll storm off, give the silent treatment, respond nastily or flippantly.

4. My dad is quite achievement driven and thinks being a checkout clerk is equivalent to a personal failure. He constantly pushes me to achieve in the same way because of his own insecurity about what he thinks he hasn't achieved ("I couldve been a dentist or a doctor and a millionaire by now with my intelligence"). Sometimes he looks at me with pity when I talk about my job but I realise now it has nothing to do with me, he's just measuring me against his own unrealistic standards.

5. My mum is the same, but instead of being about achievement, it's about having a boyfriend, friends, looking good, and fitting into social norms. Because she thinks looking scruffy, not having a boyfriend or friends is equivalent to a personal failure. She has a plan for my life: get a house, get married, have kids, find a good job. I understand that this is common for parents, but sometimes it feels like she has written a list and is waiting impatiently for me, looking at her watch, so she can tick these items off. What if I don't want kids? What if I don't want to get married?

Previously I have just blindly accepted the way they treated me as normal and inherited their beliefs about achievement and fitting in. As soon as I realised this I was free from their chains :clap


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

I've been following your progress and it really is quite inspirational :yes

I'm glad things are getting better and better


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

RubixQ said:


> I've been following your progress and it really is quite inspirational :yes
> 
> I'm glad things are getting better and better


Thank you!

So final ever therapy session today! My therapist was pretty deadpan and didn't seem overly attached or emotional. We just said goodbye, I thanked her for everything and that was it. I think it shows she's professional and knows that I'm just a patient she's cured from an illness - not her friend, her child, not her liability, not my life coach. I guess that's what makes her so good.

We revisited the SPIN questionnaire and the depression questionaire - the score was less than 5 on the depression quiz, and 17 on the SPIN test which is under the score for clinical diagnosis of social phobia :clap:boogie:boogie:boogie:clap

We talked about a situation recently which had made me anxious/depressed. It was to do with my new job, and how much I pressure I feel like I'm under from my boss to perform and produce results (marketing job).

Me: I'm not sure if I will pass my probationary period and then I will be without a job and I'll struggle to pay my bills. I might have to move back in with my mum.
T: That's not ideal, I know, for anyone- but you would be able to cope with that, wouldn't you?
Me: Yeah, I guess I would. It wouldn't be very enjoyable but I would be able to do it until I found another job.
T: Why do you not think that you will pass your probationary period?
Me: Because I'm not producing sales - I changed the design of an advert we had running in a magazine and it hasn't produced any results yet.
T: But is that your fault? Think about the many other reasons behind it - if your company advertised in the magazine last month and only had 1-2 responses before you joined, is it likely that things are going to suddenly take off because of a change of design? Design can only take you so far - people have to want the product. You also mentioned that things have been quiet this month overall, which is a contributing factor. Have you had any success in marketing previously?
Me: Hmm, a little bit I guess. With my previous company I worked on the website and we ended up getting enquiries from it 
T: Perhaps you could use that expertise in this job? How about cold calling (would also be an excellent way to combat social anxiety)? Have you tried reading marketing books?

We just brainstormed ideas for a while. She mentioned that this is the job that I wanted, so I'm going to find out what is really involved in a marketing job and if I really enjoy it. If I don't enjoy it, no harm done, I can just keep searching. Nothing tried, nothing gained.

T: Life is a learning experience - nothing is ever perfect. Could you view your mistakes, failure, as a learning experience? You find out what you like and don't like. I tried a sales job for a while and I hated it, I just ended up giving out the product for free! They must have hired you for a reason?

We also discussed techniques for getting out of a depressive mood:
1. Try a thought diary in your head, if it's too much effort to write it down
2. Small steps
3. Gentle exercise

----------------------

So yeah, really pleased and happy that I've finished therapy and no longer have social phobia! I still get anxious in social situations and I still have exposures to do - I think it's something that has to be worked on continuously otherwise old beliefs keep creeping back. But I definitely feel happier and more confident than ever before. It's so lovely to not feel so anxious all the time. Like a massive weight has been removed and things seem easier to do.

*If anyone reading this is considering CBT therapy - please try it! It has made such a massive difference for me!
*


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

I didn't read everything but are you and your boyfriend still together?


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## lisac1919 (Jul 20, 2013)

I agree about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. That guy who said 'stopped reading after 'boyfriend'' was very rude in my opinion to not take seriously what youre going through just because he may be feeling jealous of you for having a partner. We're all meant to be a team here helping each other out, I mean we all have the same diagnosis. 

I think some of the people on here don't realize that once you finally do have the courage to ask someone out and have success with 'getting' an official boyfriend or girlfriend, the work doesn't just stop there...its not like everything is magically better at that point. The definition of social anxiety isn't 'I cant get a bf/gf'. I finally got the courage to start going out with a boy and after a couple of months I ended up dumping HIM because he was a horrible person! Just because I have social anxiety does not make me some desperate loser who will cling to anybody. And having that bf certainly didn't cure me! I was constantly nervous around him...I had to drink heavily before having sex or going to a crowded place with him and I wouldn't even go out with him on days that I thought I looked bad. I had to pretend to be a different person basically. In fact if I hadn't dumped him he probably would have dumped me for not being comfortable enough around him. Relationships take work from both partners. And besides that, having a bf or gf is not the most important thing in the world! Its not the end all be all...try it for yourself, get a gf and see how you will still have the same problems you always had. No one person can bring you so much happiness that your life will magically become perfect. yeesh. 

Anyways, ive read a lot of your entries, it was very interesting to hear about what you and your therapist discussed. I also lied to my bf about being a virgin and having an ex! I told him I wasn't a virgin even though I was and that I had an ex even though I didn't. When he would ask about the ex I would always panic and describe a boy I had a crush on in high school just like you did! And I would get the same feelings from him, that he thinks im stupid and ugly and definitely would dump me for someone better at any time. But our relationship got pretty bad, he actually started calling me dumb and would flirt with other girls. If your guy is treating you like that you shouldn't be with him, even if you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is better than being with a piece of ****.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

GGTFM said:


> I didn't read everything but are you and your boyfriend still together?


Yes we are



lisac1919 said:


> I agree about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. That guy who said 'stopped reading after 'boyfriend'' was very rude in my opinion to not take seriously what youre going through just because he may be feeling jealous of you for having a partner. We're all meant to be a team here helping each other out, I mean we all have the same diagnosis.
> 
> I think some of the people on here don't realize that once you finally do have the courage to ask someone out and have success with 'getting' an official boyfriend or girlfriend, the work doesn't just stop there...its not like everything is magically better at that point. The definition of social anxiety isn't 'I cant get a bf/gf'. I finally got the courage to start going out with a boy and after a couple of months I ended up dumping HIM because he was a horrible person! Just because I have social anxiety does not make me some desperate loser who will cling to anybody. And having that bf certainly didn't cure me! I was constantly nervous around him...I had to drink heavily before having sex or going to a crowded place with him and I wouldn't even go out with him on days that I thought I looked bad. I had to pretend to be a different person basically. In fact if I hadn't dumped him he probably would have dumped me for not being comfortable enough around him. Relationships take work from both partners. And besides that, having a bf or gf is not the most important thing in the world! Its not the end all be all...try it for yourself, get a gf and see how you will still have the same problems you always had. No one person can bring you so much happiness that your life will magically become perfect. yeesh.
> 
> Anyways, ive read a lot of your entries, it was very interesting to hear about what you and your therapist discussed. I also lied to my bf about being a virgin and having an ex! I told him I wasn't a virgin even though I was and that I had an ex even though I didn't. When he would ask about the ex I would always panic and describe a boy I had a crush on in high school just like you did! And I would get the same feelings from him, that he thinks im stupid and ugly and definitely would dump me for someone better at any time. But our relationship got pretty bad, he actually started calling me dumb and would flirt with other girls. If your guy is treating you like that you shouldn't be with him, even if you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is better than being with a piece of ****.


This is such an awesome post, I love it! I agree with everything you said. Thank you 

----------------------------------------------

So just a quick update, I had 'ask assertively for something you want from someone' on my fear hierachy and I managed to complete it a few days ago.
My housemate is really messy, and she used a kitchen utencil that wasn't a communal one and didn't even bother washing it up. The day after, the conversation went as follows..

Me: Amy is that your stuff by the sink? Could it be washed up?
Amy: Uh yes SUHHRY I actually didn't wash that up because I was leaving it to soak_ (bull****, not even soaking in anything). She proceeds to wash it up.
_Me: Great, thanks

She then proceeded to make several passive aggressive comments to my other housemate about how he should wash his stuff up straight away or the police will be on to him. Didn't really phase me, just made me think she was behaving a bit immaturely... I'm sure a year ago that kind of thing wouldve triggered a depressive episode for me.

A bit of a situation at work has arisen too, where my sales colleague is giving me all of his boring admin stuff to do. At first I did it, but now I can see that's its really _his_ responsibility (not mine) - I won't be doing it anymore


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

Well done :clap


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

RubixQ said:


> Well done :clap


Thanks 

New exposures!

*Going to an industry exhibition for work with my sales colleague*
Prediction: 
The car journey with my sales colleague will be really awkward (100%)
I will mess up when talking to strangers about our products (100%)
I will act awkwardly (awkward standing, mumbling & blushing. Not talking clearly) (100%)

Outcome: The car journey with my sales colleague wasn't that awkward. I asked questions and he responded nicely. 
I didn't mess up when I talked to a stranger about our products. I wasn't entirely clear on what product she would need, but I guess I'm not expected to know everything about the industry and our products as I only joined 3 months ago. I gave her information, product samples and contact information. 
I didn't mumble, blush or awkwardly stand when I spoke to her.

What I have learnt from this experiment: Being alone with my colleagues or strangers isn't as bad as I think it is
So taking what you've learnt, how can you extend that learning? Approach and talk to strangers at the next event we go to

-------------------------------

*Attending a sales meeting with a potential customer with my sales colleague and manager *
Prediction: 
I will say something stupid and potential customer will be annoyed and/or angry at me (100%)
We will not get the sale and it will be my fault (100%)
Potential customer will point out how quiet and shy I am and put me on the spot (100%)

Outcome: I didn't say anything stupid and the potential customer was not annoyed or angry at me
Potential customer asked me what I did and asked me questions about it
Potential customer was really nice, welcoming and fair - didn't point out how shy and quiet I am 
We potentially have a sale, but not what we were after. But this is not my fault as she is on a limited budget, which we knew from the outset. It really has nothing to do with me as a person.

What I have learnt from this experiment: Strangers are not as nasty as I think they are (obviously some people are, but its a small minority when I look back at how many strangers I've talked to). 
People are usually rude or nasty because of their own problems (at my old job, people would be insulting and rude because they had money problems). A lost sale is usually not my fault and it's not personal - it's about the potential customer's needs.
So taking what you've learnt, how can you extend that learning? Approach more strangers and talk to them!


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Random thought...But what I find tends to happen when I'm feeling anxious is I focus on all the times in my past I've had negative interactions with people. I tend to use that as evidence: I can't do xyz, because of the one or two times people have been mean about me or rude to me proves that I'm a failure or socially awkward.

But what I forget - or don't focus on - is all the times people have been nice to me, or neutral, or friendly. Thats why creating an exposure book helped me because it reminds me of every situation that I thought people would be mean or judgemental towards me, and they weren't.


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## sarahsjourney (Jan 5, 2014)

Hey guys: just a quick life update. This will probably be my last update for a while.

Things are going really well for me at the moment. I finally feel happy and content! I've reached a point where nothing much externally bothers me anymore - I've finally made peace with life and myself and who I am. I understand that I'll fail. I accept that I'm not perfect and never will be. I know that I'll make mistakes, mess up, screw up totally from time to time - but that I'll be ok at the end of it, and that "screwing up" is part of everybody's life. Nobody has an easy, struggle-free life. I can't please everyone. The only person I can ever please, all of the time, is me - by doing what I love, being respectful towards myself, and understand that there will be times when I won't be respectful towards myself and I'll slip into my old habits. But that's equally as OK. There is no right way to be. No right way to live. No right way to act. Things aren't either fantastic or awful - there's a middle ground, a rich, vibrant middle ground where most of life lives and happens. It's unlikely that that thing that you're fearing will happen. And if it does happen, you can cope with it - I promise. 

The years I spent of my life constantly thinking about suicide, and doing what I hated, isolating myself because I believed everybody hated me - these years have made me appreciate being healthy even more. Cognitive Behavioral therapy changed my life. Regular exercise helps, too. Mindfulness helps. 

There were many times I doubted myself, questioned whether I would ever recover, many times I failed to improve, many times it felt like one step forward and two steps backwards. But I got there in the end. And it was definitely worth it! Don't ever give up on recovery - because I'm proof that it can happen.


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## RubixQ (Jul 29, 2014)

*Must not cry :cry*

Firstly I really think your work should be stickied because there is so much that people can learn and take from your journey that shows what can be achieved with a little hope. At times it may be hard but the reward is so worth it.

I also wish to congratulate you on your success and every happiness for the future


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