# I like volunteering



## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

That's all I wanted to say.  

Elisa


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

glad you like it

to be honest, i am trying some new things and meeting new people not volunteering, but doing other things i am interested in and it is fun


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I am happy for you. :banana


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

RubyTuesday,

Way to think outside the box! Helping others helps you in return! :boogie :boogie :boogie


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Kool.


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## David1976 (Nov 8, 2003)

cool ruby.. I know it was nice to volunteer at my local library... I'm thinking about doing it again possibly...


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

I'm trying to be independent and self reliant, and that extends to not posting/frequenting this forum like I have...

but yesterday I turned 30 and it was pretty horrid. My sister took me to her place by the beach for a day spa and when we got back there was my parents, cousins and some friends of the family yelling: "Surprise!"

I had wanted just an ordinary family lunch at a restaurant but instead they went to all this trouble. I was pretty mortified.
And not really at all from shyness or feeling overwhelmed as the center of attention, but because it felt like being treated like a helpless person who needs a "special" party because she's too much of a 'no-hoper'. 

I mean, I'm 30 now, not 20. I don't want to be treated like I need special help and I especially don't want to be reminded of how incapable, helpless and unfortunate I am.

My dad asked me today, "What happened yesterday?" He said that I behaved rudely. I tried to put up a front, to get through it all but I found my self wanting to pretend it wasn't real. So I avoided talking to people and made small chit chat and then half way through I went to my room ...just like a teenager, but it was one of the only avenues of asserting my independence left. 

And I felt more suicidal last night than I've ever felt. 

One of the reasons I like volunteer work and why I've applied to do more is because at least it gives meaning to my otherwise meaningless and unhappy life. I don't want to think anymore about all that I have missed and am missing or whatever I've lost (namely most of my 20s). And I would much rather work within what I can do rather than try to fit into a mould that the world seems to think I need to fit to be successful. ...That's never worked, for even more than 10 years even that I've tried it. 

But my point is that I don't want to see my self as lesser or weak or unfortunate etc etc. If according to a lot of people I seem this way, well I'd much rather set my own boundaries for what's acceptable.

And yesterday this is how, with their surprise party, my family made me feel. ...Maybe they could argue that it was all in my own head: believing they view me and treated me as unfortunate or a 'sad case'; in which case, they'd be right to think me rude. But I don't think so. And I don't want to be treated like I'm unfortunate or seen as helpless. Even if my situation is really pretty sad, I'm not weak or unfortunate. And I'm not lesser than any of them. And I don't need special attention -I just want to be treated normally, not like an unfortunate who people feel sorry for.

And that's the impression that they gave me especially yesterday.

...I mean: Is a person who struggles, struggling because they're weaker or is it rather that they actually have to deal with more than someone else who doesn't struggle? -I think it's pretty obvious what the answer is. 
-So why then would I even want to stick to the average range of what's considered acceptable? ...I'd go crazy and what's the point of living if you think you're not as good as other people; and are forever trying to catch up to them to always be made to feel that you're handicapped and a failure because you just can't do it.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

I see your point. As misguided as some of our families attempts to show support is, it is our independence that needs to be supported. And respecting your wishes for your birthday is supporting your independence. I assume you made it known what you wanted and what you would accept? With me, standing up to my family was a huge deal in recovering. Their treatment of me hindered me so much. I was taught to be dependent and accept my family role as THEY defined it. Extracting myself from that model and redefining my family relationships was hard but necessary for recovery. 

All the rest I just want to give you a hug and tell that I have confidence you'll be okay. Remember the perfect moment you are in now.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Thanks, FC.

...I need to do some thinking about the things you wrote about. I thought about them my self, especially yesterday. For one thing, job or no job, I believe I need to move out at least by the end of the year (I'll see if I can take my cat with me!) especially since my dad is living here again and it isn't just my brother and me.

I haven't communicated with any of them about how I felt. I probably should and probably will. -I really just chilled today, as I was weary from how I felt yesterday.

Thanks for the advice and support, FC.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

No problem. I like your idea of moving out. If I had known how crippling my dependency on my family was, AND that changing that relationship model would be helpful and things would be OK, I'd done it much sooner. I actually signed back on to say again this moment, not your past or your future, as you perceive them, is your power center. Hope you had a good chill today.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Obviously I say this without knowing your whole situation, but I don't think throwing you a surprise birthday party is a sign your family views you as helpless. It's a sign that they care about you and want to do something to make you happy.

However, I understand where you are coming from. I don't know what triggered these feelings in you, but for me... I find that my family (immediate family, anyway) can sometimes REINFORCE lonesomeness rather than reduce it or at least keep it neutral. Being with them sometimes provokes feelings of "bleh, this again? why can't I have a life outside of family?" I can see a surprise birthday party being a downer for me too, depending on what kind of mindset I'm in at the time. I'd prefer to at least have a heads-up about it.

Oh, and yeah. Volunteering is a huge plus. I hope you stick with it.


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## Roped (Feb 24, 2008)

hey Ruby i wish you the best :hug


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## Veggie1 (Jan 12, 2006)

Good for you that you like volunteering!  

Since you didn't relay to your family your desires for your birthday, it was probably just was a desire to something for you because they love you. Even after I moved out, the last birthday where I spent any time with my mom (she died last year and was ill many years prior), she and the stepfather had gotten me a birthday cake and ice cream for when I stopped by their place. I was unhappy because I felt kind of like a child and I had just lost some weight. Unfortunately I think I showed my unhappiness. Cake and ice cream were not what I wanted. However, I looked back on that later and realized it's doubtful it was anything but a loving gesture from my mom as I was always her "baby" and I'd give anything to have another one with her. No judgment on you or your feelings. Just saying that you may view their gesture differently some day.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Veggie1 said:


> Good for you that you like volunteering!
> 
> Since you didn't relay to your family your desires for your birthday, it was probably just was a desire to something for you because they love you. Even after I moved out, the last birthday where I spent any time with my mom (she died last year and was ill many years prior), she and the stepfather had gotten me a birthday cake and ice cream for when I stopped by their place. I was unhappy because I felt kind of like a child and I had just lost some weight. Unfortunately I think I showed my unhappiness. Cake and ice cream were not what I wanted. However, I looked back on that later and realized it's doubtful it was anything but a loving gesture from my mom as I was always her "baby" and I'd give anything to have another one with her. No judgment on you or your feelings. Just saying that you may view their gesture differently some day.


....yeah, maybe you're right. But I've been looking at shared accommodation. I have slim prospects because I have been on government benefits (almost entirely) for about 7 years now and getting any kind of new place is hard now in Australia. But I feel that is may just be essential for my peace of mind.

I have mixed feelings about the whole affair -on the one hand, I see the niceness of it all (even got a good feeling from it, when good feelings apparently are rare and few) but then I also feel this great need to break away -and to no longer be treated as a 'dependent' or as a child. And it felt a bit like that.

Maybe I could have behaved a little better: avoided them all somewhat for the first half and then joined them later -they stayed for about 5 hours! ...but I just felt the way that I felt. And I have been feeling really depressed regularly for a few months now.

I just want more independence -_some_ independence! ...perhaps I'll make it up to them then. But I need to feel able to to things for my self and not feel pitied or in need to special attention. This is central and I can't give it up -even if in certain respects, what they did for me was kind. I still have to hang on to my independence -or my hope to gain it, that is.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

I'm thinking of volunteering. Actually, I pretty much need to so I can pad my resume.



RubyTuesday said:


> I'm trying to be independent and self reliant, and that extends to not posting/frequenting this forum like I have...
> 
> but yesterday I turned 30 and it was pretty horrid. My sister took me to her place by the beach for a day spa and when we got back there was my parents, cousins and some friends of the family yelling: "Surprise!"
> 
> ...


Elisa, you're like, the female version of me. Sort of. :eek :lol

While I won't be turning 30 until August I'm not looking forward to it. By all accounts my 20s have been a complete and utter failure. I suppose I could at least be relieved that I finished my degree before 30.

While my family isn't quite like yours, I agree with a lot of your points regarding how patronizing it is to be "treated extra nice".

For example, I've attended several SA meetup groups around my city and almost all of them are moderated by people who talk to us as if we're made of glass, or as if we're children. I want to say, 
"We have SA, not some sort developmental syndrome!" Sure, we may be somewhat immature from an emotional stance, but we're not kids or idiots.
The boldest thing I've done at an SA meetup is to basically walk out in disgust. Now, it's possible I may be the one who's being an *******, but I don't want syrupy "feel good" speeches and being patted on the head with words.

The sad thing is these moderators are truly sincere, which makes it worse. It would be different if they were mocking us, but they really think that they're doing us good by not talking to us like normal people. I want to be with people who are realistic and hopeful, not patronizing and encouraging self deception.


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## shy67 (May 2, 2008)

If you don't mind me asking, where do you volunteer? I'm thinking about volunteering and really want to but I'm scared of taking that first step. It seems it's like getting a job because you need to do an interview. I really want to volunteer at a hospital but I want to do something where I don't have to interact with a lot of people.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Sorry, I hadn't looked at this thread in a while...

ilj.... I agree about such things. Feeling or being patronized just makes you feel hopeless. I am getting better at seeing through things and seeing my problems in the right light as opposed to feeling like a loser. It has taken time. And a good deal of the time a person's better off not listening much to others opinions or even taking their help -a lot of others have their own issues and prejudices. 

Shy67.... well I checked out internet volunteering sites. I don't know where you're from, so I don't know what site to recommend, but it isn't too hard to find them on the net.
I've found it hard to find work where you interact with other people -which is mostly what I want.

I've applied to two opportunities to do with serving food to the homeless -twice to the same place, and once to another one. The first one sent me information and when i sent my form (with details in) they never got back; and the other didn't even send me the information I wanted. ....I don't know why they simply didn't say that they were too busy or otherwise uninterested in taking on someone else.

So I might apply for something that doesn't involve working with people ...there aren't many of them from what I've found. And there seem much more opportunities along the lines of office work and things like that.

I still have my current one where I see an old lady and drive someone to a lunch. I really like the old lady I visit, named Winifred. She's really hip -a young soul. We get along quite well in fact -a good match. She's 95 years old and is physically and mentally in her early 70s -and good early 70s, since she is mentally sharp and can walk and has no problems other than skin cancers she gets removed every so often.

We talk a lot about her family, I tell her little bits (since I don't have that much to say ...and I'm careful to not tell her too much about my situation though she knows that I don't work) and we also talk about the news and television and books and other things. The main thing is that I really look forward to it and I genuinely quite like visiting her.

There's a slow charm to such a thing. -Maybe it is to old people; I'm not sure. I just know that when I was a kid, tagging along with my mother when she did the rounds of the elderly neighbours (my mother was regularly visiting the old folks in my area) I quite enjoyed being with them. It may be partly because they are of a different era. 

Well I like it. I hope that when I get a job that I can still find a time that suits Winifred because it would be a shame to no longer see her now that we have got a bond.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

i dislike working for free unless its in an area that I enjoy.


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