# Girls - Are you doing anything to get a guy?



## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Inspired by the what are you doing to get a boy thread:

I want to know how many girls are actually taking proactive steps to secure a boyfriend and how many are just waiting passively in the hopes that one day a guy notices them.

*Edit:* Forgot to add option: "Yes I'm attempting to change my personality to be more attractive to the opposite sex" (Does female PUA even exist? Indicate below, if this applies to you.)


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't understand this concept of 'lowering standards' :con you are either attracted to someone or you're not. It seems stupid and unfair to date someone you are not attracted to.

Anyway I'm currently doing nothing but I'm not expecting a guy to approach me because that's not going to happen. (In fact I've started conversations with guys I've been interested in before a few times instead.) It rarely happened when I had some semblance of a life, let alone now, and random strangers never do. Probably for the best too really, overall.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Why are you assuming that everyone is looking for a boyfriend?

I've done most of those things in the past, and a few of them still(for myself), but right now I'm not ready for a relationship. If I'll meet someone, I'll meet someone. I can't check the "no" option because I'm not "waiting passively for guys to come to me". I'm not expecting anything. It's pretty rude to assume that everyone who isn't looking for a guy is expecting a guy to look for them.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

probably offline said:


> Why are you assuming that everyone is looking for a boyfriend?
> 
> I've done all those things in the past, and a few of them still(for myself), but right now I'm not ready for a relationship. If I'll meet someone, I'll meet someone. I can't check the "no" option because I'm not "waiting passively for guys to come to me". I'm not expecting anything. It's pretty rude to assume that everyone who isn't looking for a guy is expecting a guy to look for them.


Also forgot to include an option for the Lesbians, transsexuals, bisexuals, demisexuals and asexuals in my poll too. Guess I'm just a terrible person... :no


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)




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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

arnie said:


> Also forgot to include an option for the Lesbians, transsexuals and asexuals in my poll too. Guess I'm just a terrible person... :no


The rude part is assuming that that the woman is expecting a guy to look for her just because she's not actively looking(for whatever reason). That's a very general assumption, so I don't think your response is very relevant.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

probably offline said:


> The rude part is assuming that that the woman is expecting a guy to look for her just because she's not actively looking(for whatever reason). That's a very general assumption, so I don't think your response is very relevant.


It's accurate, though, because it is considered taboo for women to look for and approach men. The majority of women don't approach men because men don't like it and see it as a turn-off. :stu


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


>


 ..monkey butt does it for me...


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> It's accurate, though, because it is considered taboo for women to look for and approach men. The majority of women don't approach men because men don't like it and see it as a turn-off. :stu


That's an extreme exaggeration. I know that you have your own personal experiences, but it's not like all guys don't want to get approached by women. Hell, half of the threads on SAS are about men complaining about how they have to do all the approaching. And it's not like there aren't other ways to to establish contact with males apart from cold approaching. It's called flirting with people(guys) that you meet. IRL or online. Please don't tell me that guys see that as a turn-off... Most conversations, which lead to flirting, happen naturally. You might be introduced within a group of friends/people, or stand close to each other at a bar etc.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

probably offline said:


> That's an extreme exaggeration. I know that you have your own personal experiences, but it's not like all guys don't want to get approached by women. Hell, half of the threads on SAS are about men complaining about how they have to do all the approaching. And it's not like there aren't other ways to to establish contact with males apart from cold approaching. It's called flirting with people(guys) that you meet. IRL or online. Please don't tell me that guys see that as a turn-off... Most conversations, which lead to flirting, happen naturally. You might be introduced within a group of friends/people, or stand close to each other at a bar etc.


Not an exaggeration at all. Most guys I knew growing up and now thought that being approached is a turn-off. Flirting would be okay with them, but only if the girl is near perfection looks-wise. Maybe it's different in different parts of the world, but I live in a very traditional area. Just because people on a social anxiety site (a small segment of the population) like being approached doesn't mean that tons of guys would agree.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> Not an exaggeration at all. Most guys I knew growing up and now thought that being approached is a turn-off. Flirting would be okay with them, but only if the girl is near perfection looks-wise. Maybe it's different in different parts of the world, but I live in a very traditional area.


Yeah, I haven't noticed those types of reactions from men. Not personally, and not towards friends.



tbyrfan said:


> Just because people on a social anxiety site (a small segment of the population) like being approached doesn't mean that tons of guys would agree.


I could turn that around: Just because guys haven't liked being approached in your experience, doesn't mean that guys in general don't like it.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

probably offline said:


> Yeah, I haven't noticed those types of reactions from men. Not personally, and not towards friends.


Of course not. You live in Sweden, the Feminist utopia. In the rest of the world, gender roles in dating still apply.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

arnie said:


> Of course not. You live in Sweden, the Feminist utopia. In the rest of the world, gender roles in dating still apply.


You mean in Massachusetts?


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

probably offline said:


> Yeah, I haven't noticed those types of reactions from men. Not personally, and not towards friends.
> 
> I could turn that around: Just because guys haven't liked being approached in your experience, doesn't mean that guys in general don't like it.


I was making the point that guys aren't the same everywhere. Many hate it and prefer to make the first move. It's traditional. Myself and every girl I know was taught that women are not supposed to make the first move.


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## Jade18 (Mar 6, 2011)

no.
deff wont change myself a for a man think im fat? think im ugly?
great for you then couldnt care less.
i get hit on but not interested.
stuff like money job etc i never cared about all of those
id be okay with someone who cleans toilets and lives in a 1 room appartment
physical attraction and a nice personality is all what i look for
and preferably no western man cause they never agree with my ideals
BUT not interested in dating/bfs atm.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> *I was making the point that guys aren't the same everywhere.* Many hate it and prefer to make the first move. It's traditional. Myself and every girl I know was taught that women are not supposed to make the first move.


That's what I was saying, too. Culture and traditions play a huge role, of course. And just... the personality of the person in question.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

probably offline said:


> You mean in Massachusetts?


Hahahaha.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

kiirby said:


> Hahahaha.


How is that funny?


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## Lish3rs (May 5, 2013)

Jade18 said:


> no.
> deff wont change myself a for a man think im fat? think im ugly?
> great for you then couldnt care less.
> stuff like money job etc i never cared about all of those


I really like your thinking >.>

If you're going to lose weight or improve yourself to be healthier in any way, do it for yourself and no one else. That's the best way to achieve any results as long as you want them.

I think the more confident a person is in who they are, the more likely they are to attract the right kinds of ppl who like them for _them_. In both friendships and dating.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Sometimes I do my mating dance and men come crawling over to show me their impressive manly bits. 


But srs. I struck up a conversation and then told him everything that was wrong with him psychologically. We also both enjoyed discussing what Stephen Hawking's O face probably looks like. He fell in love.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

I'm growing my hair out, so he can climb up and rescue me.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Well when I was single, I was too afraid to approach guys in person due to fear of rejection to my race and just looks overall. And I knew a nice, introverted guy would never approach me looking for a serious relationship since I tend to keep to myself a lot. So I resorted to online dating and put some serious effort into being extremely social online. I would message SO many guys, try to get to know them, etc. It took a lot of persistence and trial and error to find someone.


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

I wonder if there's a selection bias where women who are proactive and ask guys out are less likely to be on internet forums attempting to represent all women and complaining about why they can't ask anyone out.
I am not sure why there are Americans in here are representing all of the world except Sweden in this thread but I'm from New Zealand and I've never had a negative reaction to defying stereotypical gender roles in dating. I've been faced with plenty of sexism from others but I'm not about to ask out anyone who perpetrates it. I've also met a ton of people online from lots of countries who I really doubt would be that mean or stupid.
I don't expect anyone to act according to their gender and I find it really depressing to be faced with what's wrong with women and why don't they do this or that any time I try to talk about how I actually am doing that or this, so I've stopped trying.
If you think that no women ask men out or all women do this or blahhhhhhhrgwargle then maybe you need to think about the fact that any women who is open-minded enough to approach men herself is not going to willingly spend time around someone who makes that sort of assumption.


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## Znuffle (Jul 22, 2014)

tbyrfan said:


> It's accurate, though, because it is considered taboo for women to look for and approach men. The majority of women don't approach men because men don't like it and see it as a turn-off. :stu


WHAT?! TURN OFF! you kidding me?! If I was aproached by a girl I'd be so freaking amazed and opfront exited! Not because I am desperate but because it's an awesome and not so commen thing they would do. And I love uncommen things! I like a girl that can step out of the ring of SAME OLD ****! That be ****ing awesome!

And I'm done working with girls anyway.. I won't get any better at it unless I kill my own personality.. As I stand ATM I'd only score a girl if she found me interesting just by being around and talking casually with me to a private party or something.. I wouldn't hit on girls anymore in clubs.. Last time I was at a club I jsut ****ing danced around got drunk and said to myself: "**** all the things I can't get.. Better just do whatever else crap that makes me happy" So I stripped my shirt of cause some girls wanted me to, like I gave a **** it was fun..

But a girl approaching me. ****ing awesome.. THUMBS UP TURN ON!


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

arnie said:


> Of course not. You live in Sweden, the Feminist utopia. In the rest of the world, gender roles in dating still apply.


I remember someone starting a thread on sas asking if it,would bother guys to be approached by women and I was surprised by how many said yes (and not because of SA.) I always thought guys would like that since generally they are the ones to do all the approaching (and many male users on this forum, not being the most socially comfortable moan about that fact) I guess it's a 'you can't win then' situation.

Though I also feel like it might be a bigger deal in the US. Gender seems to play a bigger role there from what I've observed online, especially in some regions, than in many west/Northern European countries.

I figure if you can get up the confidence to ask a guy out it would be a good way to see if they are right for you. If you don't want to date someone so traditional you'd know/be rejected right away.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Jade18 said:


> no.
> deff wont change myself a for a man think im fat? think im ugly?
> great for you then couldnt care less.
> i get hit on but not interested.
> ...


I remember you (unless it wasn't if so ignore this lol). saying that you prefer middle eastern guys was that like a physical preference or cultural? Just curious.


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## scooby (Jun 24, 2009)

Is there a dude equivalent to this thread? Because I'm doing jack **** to get a partner too. Waiting for my prince(ss) charming to come rescue me and live happily ever after. But seriously, I'm not actively doing anything. Not seeking to be in a relationship. Unless I stumble into one somehow.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

FFS someone choose "Yes. I'm proactively spending more time around my crush in the hope that he asks me out" before I lose my sht.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Hmm only 2 no options and 15 guys vastly outnumbering the ladies votes...


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## Sekai (Aug 14, 2014)

Lmao. No man will think less of you if you approach him first. Every dude I know would love to have a woman come up to him to flirt or ask him out.


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## Alas Babylon (Aug 28, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> I was making the point that guys aren't the same everywhere. Many hate it and prefer to make the first move. It's traditional. Myself and every girl I know was taught that women are not supposed to make the first move.


No offense, but do you live in bizarro world?

I can safely say that

-as a guy who has been approached by girls
-as a guy who knows many other guys
- as someone who can read the overwhelming _'lol, nope_' response you are getting
- as someone who couldn't give any less s***s about tradition

That almost no one cares if girls ask guys out. If a guy acts like a sexist douche about it, he's probably (just maybe) a pr*ck to begin with and kind of a dip****. Count your blessings that you dodged a bullet.

Or conversely, stop asking out men who look like they belong in a time capsule.

The normal and healthy response to someone showing interest in you is to feel good about yourself, or even flattered. Most guys will act accordingly.


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## Putin (May 21, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> It's accurate, though, because it is considered taboo for women to look for and approach men. The majority of women don't approach men because men don't like it and see it as a turn-off. :stu


This is just an excuse women use to justify their laziness. I have never, ever heard of a guy become less attracted to a girl because she approached him.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Putin said:


> This is just an excuse women use to justify their laziness. I have never, ever heard of a guy become less attracted to a girl because she approached him.


Maybe this is true in other, less traditional areas of the country, but in New England guys are not attracted to girls who approach. They usually make fun of those that do.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Alas Babylon said:


> No offense, but do you live in bizarro world?
> 
> I can safely say that
> 
> ...


I never thought the area I grew up in was that bizarre, but the more people I talk to from other parts of the country and the world makes me think that the people here are really unusual in what they do and how they think. It doesn't get much more shallow than here, apparently.


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## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> Maybe this is true in other, less traditional areas of the country, but in New England guys are not attracted to girls who approach. They usually make fun of those that do.


So have you ever heard of a girl successfully asking out a guy around your area?


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Darktower776 said:


> So have you ever heard of a girl successfully asking out a guy around your area?


No.


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## Darktower776 (Aug 16, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> No.


Okay, then yeah the area where you live is a bizarro place. Very strange.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Barette said:


> and tbyrfan, I'm from new england too, same state in fact, have spent time in your town in fact, and also know what you're saying is not true


Maybe from your experiences. :stu


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> Maybe from your experiences. :stu


Mine, my friends, my friends' friends, my friends' friends' friends, my mom, my mom's friends, my mom's friends' kids, strangers, boys, boys' friends, boys friends' friends...


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Barette said:


> Mine, my friends, my friends' friends, my friends' friends' friends, my mom, my mom's friends, my mom's friends' kids, strangers, boys, boys' friends, boys friends' friends...


Same for me.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Maybe we shouldn't speak in such damning absolutes then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Barette said:


> Maybe we shouldn't speak in such damning absolutes then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Not sure what the hostility is about. I'm just saying that that is the case for everyone I know, not for the entire world. I'm surprised that it's different in different places because I only grew up hearing one thing.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Different in different places, very surprising. It's also different in the same places, apparently.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Barette said:


> Different in different places, very surprising. It's also different in the same places, apparently.


Some things are similar in most places.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Well alrighty then. But then again, Connecticut is apply nicknamed "Connectic**t", I would never underestimate the rudeness from our citizens.*

*expecting replies from others applying it to me, apply of course.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Barette said:


> Well alrighty then. But then again, Connecticut is apply nicknamed "Connectic**t", I would never underestimate the rudeness from our citizens.*
> 
> *expecting replies from others applying it to me, apply of course.


I didn't mean to make it seem like I was denying other people's experiences. I believe people when they say that it's different in some areas - sometimes I wonder if the people I knew were just abnormally shallow or mean. :con


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> I didn't mean to make it seem like I was denying other people's experiences. I believe people when they say that it's different in some areas - sometimes I wonder if the people I knew were just abnormally shallow or mean. :con


Maybe. I mean, people in CT are known for being the most unpleasant people around.


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## Cenarius (Aug 2, 2014)

Where's "Yes, I'm posting sexy pictures on SAS"


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Back on topic... 

I shouldn't have included the option for girls that already have a boyfriend. I'm more interested if they were using any of these options that led to them getting into a relationship or if they would have just voted "No" back then.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

Not really tbh.

I mean, I'm trying to improve myself as a person (personality, work, education, etc) and I'm trying to improve my appearance and I'm trying to go out socially at least 2-3 times a week, but even then I wouldn't really say I'm doing anything. Or at least, I wouldn't say that those count as doing anything. Because while obviously I hope they'll help in some indirect way, they're things that I should be doing anyway. I don't really feel like I've been trying. When the new academic year starts I'll be in a new environment and hopefully be meeting a lot of new people again. We'll see if I try more then.

IDK, I would like to meet someone but it's hard. Or meeting people isn't always hard, but meeting the right person (or even an alright person) is. And then not ****ing it up is even harder. I'm not enough in some way. Most of the time I just don't fancy my chances.


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## Marko3 (Mar 18, 2014)

lisbeth said:


> Not really tbh.
> 
> I mean, I'm trying to improve myself as a person (personality, work, education, etc) and I'm trying to improve my appearance and I'm trying to go out socially at least 2-3 times a week, but even then I wouldn't really say I'm doing anything. Or at least, I wouldn't say that those count as doing anything. Because while obviously I hope they'll help in some indirect way, they're things that I should be doing anyway. I don't really feel like I've been trying. When the new academic year starts I'll be in a new environment and hopefully be meeting a lot of new people again. We'll see if I try more then.
> 
> IDK, I would like to meet someone but it's hard. Or meeting people isn't always hard, but meeting the right person (or even an alright person) is. And then not ****ing it up is even harder. I'm not enough in some way. Most of the time I just don't fancy my chances.


Hmm.. just had to say it here. You know, you don't f*** up things. If you're the way you are...not fakin, true one.. and the guy leaves, then that's his problem, nothing wrong with you.! You shouldn't try faking just to get some man who likes some fake things about you... Can u imagine how hard it is to have mask put on you, the mask you hate, for the rest of your Life?
But is true everyone should strive to be better person.. kind and good by heart.. that is true...


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## donzen (May 13, 2014)

Jade18 said:


> deff wont change myself a for a man think im fat? think im ugly?
> great for you then couldnt care less.


Yeah, I totally agree with this.
It's selfish if they want you to change yourself.


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## CinnamonDelight (Jul 1, 2013)

Nothing at all. I'm trying to lose a little weight but I do that for myself.


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## therealbleach (Jan 11, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> Maybe this is true in other, less traditional areas of the country, but in New England guys are not attracted to girls who approach. They usually make fun of those that do.


 funny how you think this, but I spent two days of my life in Boston and got approached by two cute girls in that short time. I think you are just filtering to create the negative reality you want to believe in.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

therealbleach said:


> funny how you think this, but I spent two days of my life in Boston and got approached by two cute girls in that short time. I think you are just filtering to create the negative reality you want to believe in.


I never said that girls don't approach guys - I only said that guys from here (meaning suburban New England where I grew up, not a major city where the people and norms are much different) react negatively to it. Your post holds no weight.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm doing absolutely nothing to get a guy, because I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment. I will, however, try to make friends with more guys in hopes of finding a suitable FWB when I move. I have a feeling it'll be disastrous, but I'll give it a shot anyways.


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