# Guide to Overcoming Social Anxiety



## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

After about 7 months of hard work I can honestly say I have gotten rid of my social anxiety. I feel like a new rejuvenated person who can finally go throughout the rest of my life without the devastating and debilitating effects of social anxiety. About a year ago I hit a desperate part of my life where it was a now or never situation, and I had to make drastic changes if I wanted to make any type of progression. I was juggling with college struggles and financial difficulties which were going to land me in a very irreversible situation so I decided to stop being passive and take aggressive actions to have control over my own life.

I started of by trying to absorb as much information as possible and to work on my physique and mental state as much as I possibly could. I am going to try to explain to you guys in as much detail as I possibly can and use examples that I have personally experienced to give a vivid picture of things. I will also try to apply my own experiences and translate them in a way that someone who might not be in my shoes can use them. This is going to be a very long read but I promise that it will be very educational for you guys. I am going to break things down in different sections starting with my personal struggles with social anxiety and then I am going to give you the tools to overcome them broken down into different parts.

The things needed to overcome SA:

1- Patience: People do not change overnight. It took me over 7 months to complete my transformation. Everyone is different, some might change faster than others but give yourself some time and keep track of your progress for motivational purposes.

2- Open Minded: Don't be ignorant towards the advice I am giving you guys. I know I would have been a little skeptical about certain things back when I had bad SA, try to have an open mind set about everything.

3- Dedication: Reading something isn't as good as going out and trying it. I will give a more detailed explanation as to why dedication is important later.

I also recommend that you guys take notes because this is going to be a long read.

*Overview of My Struggles With Social Anxiety:*

I wasn't born with SA but I acquired it at the age of about 13. I don't know the exact causes which lead to me getting SA, but I have come to the conclusion that it has been a result of being over sheltered and being bullied during the ages of 12 and 13. I was actually quite a confident kid growing up til I hit the 7th grade, I guess the lack of guidance from my parents in the process of maturing during that time period contributed to it. I didn't have anyone guiding me the right direction as far as how to handle the social changes that are going to come as the years go by.

My SA just kept on progressively getting worse. In High School my SA was bad but I was still somewhat able to at least talk to people and make some friends. I was EXTREMELY sensitive to judgement though, I would be worried about looking stupid wearing a hat looking stupid doing this and that etc etc. I would never ask to go to the bathroom and would rarely raise my hands to answer questions or participate during class. I completely hated when the teachers picked me to answer questions. I also hated the first day of classes when the teachers would go around asking everyone to stand up and say their names etc, it would make me so nervous. I was constantly depressed and stressed out.

I remember spending most of my teenage years being obsessed with the idea that I would never have a girlfriend and would be a 40 year old virgin. I constantly would bother 2 of my closest female friends and bombard them with negativity and beg them to have sex with me but obviously it wouldn't happen. I had a crush on a girl pretty much each year of High School, in particular this one girl who I instantly got a huge crush on since freshmen year til my senior year. I felt unworthy of all of my crushes and looking back at my teenage years I have discovered that at least like 7 girls had a crush on me, I was just too socially awkward and self-conscious to realize it. I also had this embarrassment and judgement problem (that I wasn't consciously aware of) that I will be discussing later on.

I ended up not going to my senior prom because I didn't really have a cliq or prom date to go with. I didn't go to the graduation either because of the anxiety of being on the spot light and being around so many people. I remember picking the less crowded paths to get to certain classes just to avoid feeling anxiety of being around people, so imagine how bad it would be being in an auditorium filled with people and having to be called 1 by 1 to go up and get your diploma. A lot of my summer vacations I would go up to 2 months without leaving my house because there was nothing for me to do but play video games and be on the internet.

During college it became worse. I wasn't making any friends at all and I couldn't even have the courage to go speak to the professors about things. I was even anxious around my own friends and family members and felt very uncomfortable. I spent most of my HS years and early college years just going to school and then rushing home to play video games all day. I had neglected my social life because of the uncomfortable feeling that socializing had inflicted towards me. Later on in my college years I had tried to revive some relationships I had with my HS friends and successfully got myself into a party life. The first few parties I attended were very anxious times for me and I had to get drunk to feel comfortable, then I realized that I was a very good dancer which made me feel a lot more comfortable in parties. I was still extremely socially awkward and weird but on the dance floor was the only place I felt free and relaxed from everything.

Ever since I was about 18 and a half I have been partying a lot but I was still making no progress at all. My friends were getting attention from girls and I wasn't at all. I realized that I had the problem of partying for the fun of it and completely neglected working on my social skills, but certain things began to add up. I learned various things from that which I will get to later on. I went 2 years of partying almost every weekend and didn't improve much socially at all. I still couldn't get layed or even kiss a girl. I thought that partying was going to automatically fix everything but it didn't.

My first major realization happened about 9 months ago when people started complimenting me on my physical change resulting in constant efforts of going to the gym and weight lifting. I was very skinny and couldn't put on weight to save my life so I decided to start a strict weight lifting regimen about a year and a half ago. I was very self-conscious about being very skinny because I was balding and I thought that bald guys in general look much better with some weight or muscle on them. 6 months in people who haven't seen me for a long time began to notice that I became muscular. I honestly didn't personally see much difference but that is because I see myself on the mirror everyday. At first I thought people were just being friendly but then even strangers were calling me muscular.

*Understanding The Sub-Conscious Mind:

*I have acquired a lot of useful information about subconscious behaviors that I have applied to my everyday life. I want to cover this area first because it will apply to almost every other area I will be discussing later on. The first thing you have to understand about subconscious behaviors is that they *CANNOT BE CONTROLLED* but it can be trained. This is where the dedication part kicks in. For example a kid might have a bad subconscious habit of biting his fingernails. He is fully aware of it but he cannot suddenly stop that behavior, he has to train his subconscious to gradually stop doing it until the behavior is fixed. Also there might be a word that for some reason you always spell wrong, even though you are consciously aware that you spell it wrong you still have to train your subconscious to spell it properly which takes time to do.

There are a ton of things that are controlled by the subconscious part of our brain that we have to learn to be aware of and fix by constant dedication and training the desired behavior. The brain is heavily influenced by the subconscious side and that is why it takes time to learn new things because the subconscious has to be taught how to do these things. This is why dedication cannot be overlooked under any circumstances, *IT TAKES TIME TO FIX UNPRODUCTIVE SUBCONSCIOUS BEHAVIORS.*


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

*Looks don't Matter but Being Presentable Does:*

Everyone with SA blames everything on their bad looks even when it has nothing to do with it. Looks only matter if you are extremely attractive, otherwise it isn't a factor at all. Being presentable is what counts and having a good sense of fashion will make a huge difference. The main reason that looks seem to be such a big deal to us is because of how the media portrays people and how most celebrities are very attractive. Media is especially harsh on women a lot more than men because of how they place so much emphasis on women's looks. They think they have to be very skinny and have this and that etc etc when in reality everyone is attracted to different things.

The best advice on being presentable that I can give is to make sure to look good at all times. If your a guy you should be well shaved well groomed etc. If your a girl make sure your hair doesn't look like medusa and put effort on the way you dress. If you feel as if you don't have a good sense of fashion then try to observe how others of your age group who you think are confident dress and use that as influence. By no circumstances should you try to dress in a way that can make others relate you to a bad stereotype. For example try not to dress emo or gangsta or anything that is related to a bad stereotype. Try to be as casual and presentable as possible.

The reason I give for not dressing in a way that enforces stereotypes is because it gives other people a subconscious first impression about you. First impressions are critical when meeting someone for the first time and you do not want someone to assign you traits before they even get to know you. If their going to make subconscious assumptions about your personality and behaviors, why not make those assumptions be positive?

The reason that everyone with SA is probably bad at socializing has nothing to do with their looks but its due to their anxiety and bad social skills. You cannot be good at socializing if you do not socialize, looking good or looking bad has absolutely nothing to do with ones social skills. I have learned to put the blame on my lack of social skills instead of my looks and it has made a huge difference on my self improvement. Another thing to note is that people usually consider quiet people boring. The more you work on your social skills and charisma the more people will be attached to you and want to be around you. Looks has nothing to do with it. No one likes being around boring or negative people and I will give more advice about that later.

*Negativity:*

Negativity is one thing I didn't even realize consumed me. All I ever did was complain and whine to my friends and never realized how it broke them apart from me and made them lose all respect for me. Do not bring a negative energy around people, they hate it and are repelled by it. I used to wine to everyone all the time and judge people until I realized that it was turning them off. If you do feel insecure DO NOT SHOW IT or complain about it to others. People do not want to hear your problems nor do they want you to bring down their mood. They much rather be around a person who brings positive energy and a good vibe. Don't go around talking bad about other people or doing anything negative because others will react badly to that and be turned off.


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

*Confidence and its Importance:*

Confidence is perhaps one of the most important things needed in order to improve with social interactions. There are many areas of confidence but the one I am emphasizing is the confidence with your appearance and social skills. If you can manage to improve your confidence to a healthy level then you automatically win half the fight when it comes to battling SA. The reason that having a healthy level of confidence is so important is because not having it has some serious effects.

The weird thing about low self esteem is that it creates a completely irrational perception of ones self worth. Here are some of the effects of having a low self esteem:

-Thinking that you are a very unattractive person.
-A very low self worth value that puts everyone else above in a pedestal.
-Easily embarrassed and very sensitive to judgement.
-Bad body language and bad effects on verbal communication.
-Inability to properly interpret flirtatious behaviors.
-Extremely judgmental tendencies.
-Negative mindset and easily quitting.

On the other hand, confident people have traits that are very advantageous. A lot of people don't really understand what being confident is so I will explain it to you guys. Here are some of the traits that confident people have:

-They do not take insults personally.
-They do not let little comments or actions affect their mood easily.
-Have no fear in expressing themselves and are not easily embarrassed.
-Can make awkward things seem normal.
-Make other people comfortable with their presence.
-Gain respect from other people.
-Feel as they can achieve anything that they put their mind to.
-A lot of positive energy
-Don't judge others and don't care what people think about them.

There are ways to improve self esteem, it varies for each gender. I am a guy so it would be easier for me to give tips to guys but I will also try to give some useful advice to the girls out there. For me the biggest things that lifted my self esteem was realizing that my looks didn't matter and to focus on my good traits and let them shine. Don't ponder about your bad physical traits because no one cares about them, trust me on that. The only physical aspect that I encourage people to change is weight problems. If you feel too unhappy about your weight then try to do something about it. Make sure that its a reasonable weight problem too because like I explained earlier, bad self esteem tends to make people see things that aren't there. I have met plenty of women who think their fat when in reality their borderline anorexic.

There are more ways of improving self esteem that are a bit more tricky. The most important one is to be positive AT ALL TIMES. Keep a positive mind set and repeat to yourself in your head "I am attractive and such a sexy beast". It might sound cheesy but it actually helps. Start repeating that in your head 5 minutes before you leave your house then continually keep repeating it.

People also use materialistic things to help with confidence. I feel as if women are much more likely to go down that path than men are. A lot of women get a sense of superiority due to having the most expensive clothes on etc. I do not recommend going through this path but there are a lot of people who do this to feed their self esteem. The reason I do not recommend taking this path is because a lot of people who do lack personality and are not humble.

For guys the best tip I can give is to go to the gym. A lot of guys feel as if being muscular is the best thing ever and putting on some muscle will help tremendously. If you aren't a fan of going to the gym then just practice and absorb information about social interactions. I will talk more about that later.

For the ladies I also have another tip which I see almost every girl use to feed their self esteem. Use your good physical attributes as a means of getting attention. Ask a close friend if you can't pick some out yourself, everyone has something good about themselves. If you have a nice smile then smile more often etc. If you are confident about your legs or whatever it might be then learn to use that to your advantage. Just make sure you don't over do it to the point where you look ****ty. Look at the type of pictures that girls who get a lot of attention put up on their facebook pages. The smarter ones usually put up a lot more conservative ones and very few provocative ones, so just make sure you keep a good balance. Don't be afraid of your own body because if you are then others will be too. Emotions and feelings are contagious.

One last thing to remember is that a lot of people like to "bust your balls". By that I mean that people will call you ugly and stuff but just to mess around with you and force a reaction out of you. Learn to ignore these things some people just like messing around and bothering others for fun. I like doing that too I would tease people around like you suck etc but its just to bust peoples balls. Don't take everything to heart.

To summarize:

-Don't let your physical insecurities consume you, focus on your better physical traits. People tend to completely look past any negative physical traits unless the person obviously acts insecure about that particular trait.

-Emphasize your good traits while at the same time work on the ones you feel need improvement.

-Have a positive mindset at all times.

P.S.: Fake it til ya make it. Now that you know the mentality of a confident person, make sure you try and work on them even if you don't feel confident. It will help tremendously.

*Respect Levels:*

People have this metaphorical subconscious meter in which they rate everyone's respect levels. This is VERY IMPORTANT because it directly affects how people see you and how they treat you. If they see you below them on the meter they will treat you as an inferior, if they see you above them they will see you as superior etc. Most of the time people with low self esteem see themselves all the way in the bottom of the meter and unknowingly do things that make other people label them in the bottom of the meter too. For example: An average High School student might have a popular guy on the top of his respect meter while an unpopular kid as at the bottom. In result the average kid treats the unpopular kid with less respect than the popular kid. You might think this seems evil but we all have this meter.

There are ways to avoid being in the bottom of the meter and I will go over that in the social skills part of my post. Just keep in mind that people with low self esteem tend to do things that keep them lower on the meter, while confident people naturally do things that keep them higher on that meter. All these behaviors are in fact subconscious and have to be practiced in order to eliminate those bad habits.

If you do not have respect for your own self then no one will have respect for you.


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

*Verbal Social Skills and Body Language:*

First of I am going to talk about some social mistakes that I had and some mistakes that are common with people I have interacted with have.

My biggest mistake was that I took everything to literal terms. I did not understand that people make excuses and say things when they really mean something else. There is always a hidden meaning with what someone says which has to be discovered due to body language and their projection. For example you could invite someone somewhere and they say "Sorry I have to go to the doctor that day" or whatever the case might be. They really mean to say that they just don't want to go wherever they invited you to. I could for the most part tell when someone was joking or being sarcastic but I completely sucked at reading excuses.

My other biggest mistake was completely disregarding peoples comfort levels and trying to use emotions to manipulate people. An example of disregarding peoples comfort levels: When I first started partying I had a close friend who was as shy as I was. I kept on inviting him to parties and kept insisting like "C'mon you dont have to dance or do anything if you don't want to" etc etc. I kept on trying to force comfort on him and kept pushing it until he became annoyed to the point that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I kept on trying to force comfort onto him which doesn't work. Also I have tried to force people to do things by using fake emotional actions. For example I would act angry when people didn't want to go somewhere or do something in hopes that it would make them do it but it never worked. In fact it just annoyed them and made them not want to talk to me. "Hey man why the hell you never want to play soccer with me!! What the hell is wrong with you man I am so pissed of at you" saying that to someone is not going to make them want to play soccer with you, instead its just going to annoy them or irritate them. Don't let people do that to you either, learn that people will sometimes fake emotions just to try and manipulate you. Its sort of like little kids when they throw tantrums.

Here are some bad common traits that you guys should avoid. Don't respond to a serious remark or confrontation with jokes. Don't try to constantly tell jokes if no one is laughing, the best way to redeem from telling a bad joke is to stop joking around. If someone tells you to stop doing something you stop doing it, continuing just annoys people and makes them not want to be around you. Control your energy based on the people your hanging with or you will seem weird. For example if your hanging out with a group of 3 very laid back guys, don't act all ADHD and energetic because it will annoy your group. If their a group of chill guys learn to be chill around them. Be crazy around your crazy friends and more reserved around your reserved friends. It's not like you act the same way you do around your parents as you do with your best friend.

Also another thing is that people who try hard to prove something come of as insecure, and only those who do not have certain things will do it. For example a guy who knows martial arts doesn't walk around acting all tough telling everyone he could beat them up. Only someone who is insecure about how others think about their toughness will say that. Also you don't see Kim Kardashian walking around with a shirt that says "I am sexy", only people who are insecure about how others perceive their looks will do that. In other words do not go around trying to impress others at any cost because they will subconsciously see that as you trying to make up for a insecurity. People who have a certain trait don't go around trying to show off about it period. Only people low on the meter try hard to impress others.

Back to the respect meter thing. A lot of self conscious people are not congruent to their beliefs when its challenged. For example:

Wrong:
Person A- Ummm Call of Duty is the coolest game ever.
Person B- Call of Duty sucks
Person A- Yea your right call of duty sucks. I can't believe I used to like it
Person B- (This dude just lowered himself in my respect meter)

As you can see, Person A had absolutely no respect towards his own opinion. He probably saw himself as so low that he agreed with Person B probably because he sees Person B as "superior" and feels like he has to agree to be accepted. Be congruent to your own beliefs at all cost and don't be embarrassed about your beliefs or hobbies under no circumstance. Also notice I included the "Ummm" which shows lack of self esteem in Person A's part of the discussion.

Right:
Person A- Call of Duty rocks man its the best game ever.
Person B- Call of Duty sucks.
Person A- You crazy bro hahaha 
Person B- Everyone who likes Call of Duty is gay.
Person A- I must be very gay then =)
Person B- (This dude increased in my respect meter)

In this case Person A displayed confidence in his opinion and dodged the bait that Person B threw of saying only gay people like it. There was no need to argue with Person B about people who play Call of Duty aren't gay because he was just busting your balls. If you react towards people who are just busting your balls then your self respect goes down.

Showing confidence in what your saying is important because regardless of what you say people will accept it, even if makes no sense. If you say things in a low tone of voice and sound unsure of yourself then people will not take you seriously. Make sure to be confident and fully believe everything you say and people will have a lot more respect for you. Always talk in a loud and clear instead of low and fast. People subconsciously associate low tone and fast talking with nervousness which turns them off. For a clearer demonstration of good speakers look up a lot of speeches by guys like Obama who are very charismatic or by wrestlers like The Rock, anyone who you think is charismatic and try to pick up on their behavior.

Most of the time its not what you say but how you say it.

Always make sure you observe and practice privately before trying things out. Use a mirror to work on things. Also make sure your posture is always good. Don't slouch or look at the floor. Make sure you always have good eye contact. The more serious/angry you look the less approachable you will be. Try to practice on smiling more and having good posture and people won;t think your some type of *******. People subconsciously associate seriousness as either stuck up, rude, jerk or an *******. If you smile you look friendly and approachable. Looking serious or mad doesn't make you look tough or cool, it just make you seem like either a self centered ******* or a self conscious loser.

Try to fix all the subconscious behaviors associated with someone who has low self esteem because people will treat you differently if they see you have self respect. It will also help you when it comes to interacting with a potential relationship partner, people are repelled by negativity and low self esteem.

*How to Apply This Information:*

Now that you guys know what to do and what not to do, take a second to observe before trying things out. Make sure you observe how other people interact, especially those who you know are confident. Closely inspect others and be friendly to everyone at all times. When you feel ready you can take small steps towards interacting with people with small things first like saying Hi or Good morning until you feel comfortable enough having small conversations. Practice in the mirror first then with people you know until you feel comfortable enough to interact with strangers.

Also notice how your subconscious reacts to people as far as their confidence levels go. If you feel as if their radiating a self-conscious or a confident energy try to figure out why and use it to your advantage. Try to eliminate as much self-conscious related habits that you have as possible.

I hope this information helped you guys and hopefully people can improve from this


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

Thank you for posting this information. I just saw this and I am feeling depressed right now and this information will help me work through some of my feelings. When you mentioned not having the hair looking like Medusa, I smiled because mine does right now but I am working on improving myself gradually. Congratulations on eliminating social anxiety in 7 months, I hope to eliminate my social anxiety also. Thank you for your post.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

There are ways to improve self esteem, it varies for each gender. I am a guy so it would be easier for me to give tips to guys but I will also try to give some useful advice to the girls out there. For me the biggest things that lifted my self esteem was realizing that my looks didn't matter and to focus on my good traits and let them shine. Don't ponder about your bad physical traits because no one cares about them, trust me on that. The only physical aspect that I encourage people to change is weight problems. If you feel too unhappy about your weight then try to do something about it. Make sure that its a reasonable weight problem too because like I explained earlier, bad self esteem tends to make people see things that aren't there. I have met plenty of women who think their fat when in reality their borderline anorexic.

I agree with this, right now I am on a weight loss program to lose weight and improve my health. I feel better, I feel less tired and I have more energy especially at work. I need to lose 50 pounds but I feel that this is an attainable goal for me. Improving how I look will be an improvement but I will still work on my social anxiety and personality and work on being more confident.


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## vardhan (Dec 24, 2011)

On boosting self-esteem, these *5 things* helped me immensely :

1. *I stopped lying.* Includes trash talk, back-biting, harsh words and plain lies. Helped me in being peaceful. No more guilt while talking to people.

2. *stopped taking intoxicants.* An absolute no-no. Helped me see things clearly.

3. *Stopped stealing.* An absolute no-no. Stealing will make you guilty and creates so much fear/anxiety.

4. *No illicit(outside marriage) sexual affairs.* Again kept me from feeling guilty. Hence could be at peace with people.

5. *No killing of any living-being.* This helped me to respect other living beings and hence others respect me.

*These are actually the 5 precepts given by Buddha...but following them is of greatest benefit in my life. And it helped me (close to)cure Social anxiety/ ocd*


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for the input guys, every feedback is highly appreciated. It took me a hours to make this thread and hopefully people are patient enough to read it instead of brushing it off due to its length.

*@peach123:* I wish you good luck with your weight loss program. I cannot stress how unhappy I was being thin as a toothpick, I put on about 25 pounds of muscle in the past like 2 years or so. I was watching fitness videos on youtube and I stumbled upon this one video of a woman who lost a lot of weight and now competes in fitness competitions, which I thought was very inspiring. She was stressing how much of a difference something as simple as losing weight made to her overall happiness and confidence.

*@vardhan:* Thanks for your input. There are a lot of ways for people to improve, way beyond what I put on my post and I think your information is very helpful. Hopefully more people can throw in their opinions to help bring more useful information.

By the way if anyone has any questions feel free to ask


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## debutante (Dec 29, 2009)

i haven't read a majority of your posts but i will. i just wanted to say thanks for sharing your journey!


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## moveon (Mar 28, 2009)

I read every reply in this topic. That is a triumph itself


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

Hehe thanks guys =)


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## Scorpmw90 (Oct 19, 2011)

*bookmarks for later* Thanks!


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## MsDaisy (Dec 27, 2011)

Bookmarked, im gonna read later tonight. Its hard to read on my phone. Thanks for sharing.


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## Uranium (Jun 14, 2011)

Dude, you want to tell me your workout routine? I could use some muscle. I plan to start going to the gym this summer. And what are you're eating habits? Do you use protein shakes or anything? Nice post BTW


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks guys!

@Uranium: Im going to PM you my routine


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## Chatise19 (Dec 31, 2011)

Wow this is alot of help. It's much more reassuring to listen to people who had SA/overcame it try and guide me rather than a therapist who I only get an hour with and must pay to much money for. Thanks for taking the time to write all of this


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## TiredOfAnxiety (Mar 8, 2011)

Chatise19 said:


> Wow this is alot of help. It's much more reassuring to listen to people who had SA/overcame it try and guide me rather than a therapist who I only get an hour with and must pay to much money for. Thanks for taking the time to write all of this


Hehe thanks. It actually took me a whole day to write all of that haha. Hopefully it can help some people because it feels terrific not having SA. I can't put to words how good it feels being "normal" and having the ability to do things which I never thought I would be able to do.


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