# My family is complicated, and I'm really upset and worried right now



## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Sorry, this isn't really so much an SA issue, just an issue in my life. But I don't really have people I can talk to outside of this site, and I really need to talk to someone about this.

So I've never discussed much about my family on here because it's messy and not really relevant to anything I've asked on here before. Just a quick background: I'm adopted, by my biological mother's brother and his wife, because my biological dad died before I was born and she was emotionally, mentally, and financially unable to raise me. My bio-mom has been somewhat involved in my life, more when I was too young to remember, but not very involved past 8 or so when she moved away, and I only see her infrequently. She's currently living a few hours away, remarried, and has young children. 

I never developed any real attachment to her, and I don't particularly like her. I see and treat her as a non-close relative. It really embarrasses me though that she's one of the few family members that gives me a lot of anxiety when talking to. I don't know her husband well at all, I've never been willing to talk to him. 

----

To my current issue: She wants me to come live with them after my summer classes end for the rest of the summer until school starts 

She told me yesterday on father's day and I was up all night feeling sick about this. I told my parents I don't want to but they think it's a good idea and want me to have a better relationship with her and get to know my half-siblings. Apparently they were talking about it together behind my back for weeks. 

I'm freaking out because I really don't want to do this. But, I tried telling them no and they said I didn't have any real reason to stay here since I won't be in school or working. And then tried to guilt me into agreeing because it's rude that I don't want to get to know my 'mother'. They think it would be good for me but I don't see how.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

failoutboy said:


> I don't know what I'd do. How young are the children? I'd only go because of them, pretty much. Since technically they are your half sisters.


9 and 5.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

failoutboy said:


> I don't know what I'd do. How young are the children? I'd only go because of them, pretty much. Since technically they are your half siblings.


The thing is I don't really care about them that way. I don't see them as siblings, I didn't grow up with them, I see them more as cousins that live far away. I'd like to see them on holidays and other special events like all the rest of my family, I don't really want to spend 2 months living with them.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

If I were you I'd probably refuse to go. Your bio mom sounds like she has good intentions but it's a big thing asking you to move in, and I'd hate to live in a house with people I was uncomfortable around.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

I would be really concerned that they might try to trick me into staying longer, it's not like I could just drive back home. I'm not really comfortable in anyone's house, not even for a night, if she wants to get to know me it would be better if she stayed with us but that's obviously not going to happen.


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Do your mum and her husband work? Is there a possibility that you're being invited so that they have a live-in babysitter for free, for the entire school holidays?

You're 19, you don't have to go if you don't want to, AND, you don't have to justify why you won't go. Having said that, how come you haven't got a job for the holidays? Maybe your adoptive parents are a bit miffed that you're still living off them and feel it's about time your bio-mum did her share of financially supporting you.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Serephina said:


> Do your mum and her husband work? Is there a possibility that you're being invited so that they have a live-in babysitter for free, for the entire school holidays?
> 
> You're 19, you don't have to go if you don't want to, AND, you don't have to justify why you won't go. Having said that, how come you haven't got a job for the holidays? Maybe your adoptive parents are a bit miffed that you're still living off them and feel it's about time your bio-mum did her share of financially supporting you.


Well I don't have a job because I keep freaking out and panicking during interviews.

Anyway, no, I really don't think that's it. My parents are extremely loving towards me and we talk about things like work and my mental health and stuff. We're quite open, and they've even said I could live with them til I'm 50 if I want. I completely believe their reasons they gave me: that they think it would be good for me to get to know her and my half-siblings. I just don't agree with them, I really don't want to be close with her.


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Well then you just say you've considered it and you're not going. Don't discuss it any further with them. Also, I think it was very rude of all concerned not to have included you in the discussion right from the start rather than presenting it to you as something they assumed you'd do.


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

Man. that's a tough situation. 

Unless you actively dislike your biological mom or her husband, the 'best' thing is probably to go. For whatever reason it seems to be important to your parents and that means something. 

I know these people are essentially an aunt, uncle and cousins that you're not close to, and that it feels weird treat them they way 'family' is supposed to when you don't have much of a relationship with them. I've only recently realized that I've missed out by not having relationships with my extended family and if you're making a conscious choice about whether to build one with yours, I think you should do it.

That said, this will definitely make you anxious. You're the one who has to deal with this so if this is too overwhelming then be upfront with your parents that you're not comfortable committing to spending so much time with people you don't know well. You mentioned you're able to be upfront with your mental health issues with them, so I imagine they'd be understanding .


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

It was rude but they probably knew that if they included me I'd be saying no immediately, they probably figured by presenting it as a surprise this way and not really giving me the chance to discuss, that I'd go along with it. They often treat me like a child like that, they never really include me in making plans or anything, just telling me what to do and expecting that I will because I never really disobey them.

It's really hard to just say no and not discuss it further, since I did say no yesterday and they didn't accept that answer. I'm not sure how to get out of this without seeming like I'm being a big baby.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

All I can say is that it sounds like they all mean well. I don't know what I'd do but I probably wouldn't want to go either.


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## entangled (May 20, 2014)

That's a tough situation. I'd say maybe let them know you are uncomfortable living with them at this point (since you've never lived with them before), but perhaps let them know that you'll make an effort to visit and get to know them more (if that's actually something you would want). Since I assume they don't have custody of you (not sure if that's even relevant since you're 19) they cannot force you, but I know guilt is just as hard to compete with. Good luck.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

entangled said:


> That's a tough situation. I'd say maybe let them know you are uncomfortable living with them at this point (since you've never lived with them before), but perhaps let them know that you'll make an effort to visit and get to know them more (if that's actually something you would want). Since I assume they don't have custody of you (not sure if that's even relevant since you're 19) they cannot force you, but I know guilt is just as hard to compete with. Good luck.


Yeah I'm 19 so I don't think anyone has legal custody over me. I could offer to change it to just spending a few weekends there, but I already expect them to counter that it's silly to spend all that time and money on transportation when I can just stay there. What I really want is to just not involve them in my life anymore than they already are; weekends and special occasions and then not deal with them the rest of the year.

But it's hard to say that because I feel guilty even just thinking it even without them saying anything to guilt me. I realize that's evil and really harsh. I really need a way to get out of it without admitting that I just don't want her and her new family in my life.



persona non grata said:


> Man. that's a tough situation.
> 
> Unless you actively dislike your biological mom or her husband, the 'best' thing is probably to go. For whatever reason it seems to be important to your parents and that means something.
> 
> ...


I'm partially honest about my issues. We talk about it and they know what's going on with me but I usually downplay it a lot and I hide things that I deem too embarrassing. One of those things that's I've not been willing to admit to them is that my bio-mom causes me as much anxiety as if she were a distant acquaintance. I have a really hard time talking to her, when she's here it's like she's a stranger invading my personal space and I'm not comfortable at all. I think they assume that I'm comfortable with her like I am with them due to technically being my mother, but I'm not.

I'm not really sure how to tell them that because it seems really embarrassing. I've told them I had anxiety around other less close family members and they got mad and said 'they're family what are you worried about?!'


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

Baby steps first 
I'd suggest short visits for a while first before moving in for any length of time , it's only a few hours away so maybe one or two nights every so often first and in time your relationship may build a little and things may become a little more comfortable .
But 
Remember it's up to you and you don't have to if you don't want to and as far as being rude goes , that's tuff **** for them as you have to be comfortable and think of your self family or not .


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

Today I told them how distraught and sick I was over this plan. They did not agree that I don't have to do it, but they said we could talk about why it's bothering me sometime. Which is a horrible answer because I'm worried about going and I'm worried about having to have that conversation.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Your adopted parents sound a bit like my parents.

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and refuse, even if it means some tears and them making out that you're the bad guy.

One line of argument you could use (which is a bit of a cop out, but still...) is that it's too much too soon.


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

It really shouldn't be this difficult for them to understand what the problem is. Just being around new people is an SA trigger, let alone committing to spending six weeks with them. The fact that some of those people share DNA with you doesn't magically turn that off. 

Of course even if they can be made to understand your feelings though, they might push anyway. They seem to have already decided that they think this is ultimately good for you, and I doubt your father would enjoy telling his sister that this isn't happening. 

Sorry, OP. Since the whole point of this is their desire for you to have a closer relationship with your biological mother, you might be able to suggest some other way of accomplishing that as a compromise. Giving a flat 'no' might upset everybody, it's up to you whether it's worth that, but don't let them make you feel guilty if it is what you do.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I say push your boundaries and do it. If you hate it, get your parents to bring you back. But I think you should at least try and see if you can build a better relationship with your bio mom, or if not her then your half-siblings. Who knows, it could be beneficial for you in the future and then you might regret not doing it. It's not like they hate/abuse you, so I think it would be good for you to try it out. Expanding your social relationships is generally a good thing. Plus I think it's a good way to practice having an open mindset towards social interaction instead of trying to avoid and hide from people.. which people with SA are used to doing.

I'm coming it at from my own experience of only overcoming most my SA issues by gritting my teeth and putting myself out there regardless of how nervous I was. I've never regretted it, and it's always helped me grow and overcome some of my anxiety. But I also do understand that other people might not react well to that... so only follow my advice if you won't have a complete breakdown from sudden exposure. o.o


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

Serephina said:


> You're 19, you don't have to go if you don't want to, AND, you don't have to justify why you won't go.


This. 
It's completely up to you.

Maybe try applying for a part time job so you can have an excuse?

Why do families have to do this? Why is it that parents guilt trip their sons/daughters into doing stuff they don't want to do?


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

diamondheart89 said:


> I say push your boundaries and do it. If you hate it, get your parents to bring you back. But I think you should at least try and see if you can build a better relationship with your bio mom, or if not her then your half-siblings. Who knows, it could be beneficial for you in the future and then you might regret not doing it. It's not like they hate/abuse you, so I think it would be good for you to try it out. Expanding your social relationships is generally a good thing. Plus I think it's a good way to practice having an open mindset towards social interaction instead of trying to avoid and hide from people.. which people with SA are used to doing.
> 
> I'm coming it at from my own experience of only overcoming most my SA issues by gritting my teeth and putting myself out there regardless of how nervous I was. I've never regretted it, and it's always helped me grow and overcome some of my anxiety. But I also do understand that other people might not react well to that... so only follow my advice if you won't have a complete breakdown from sudden exposure. o.o


I understand what you're saying, and I do often try to push myself to go through with situations that give me anxiety. It's just that this is really extreme and there's no out once I go.

When I go to a party to socialize I know I can flee. When I try to have lunch with classmates I know it's only an hour.

This would be 24/7 in a new environment around people I'm not comfortable with and hours of travel time away from safety. There's no place to hide to recover when it gets overwhelming, my parents are too far away to come comfort me if I need it and they probably wouldn't and would just tell me to ask my bio-mom and her husband if I was feeling upset.

I just don't see myself being able to handle that and I'm not sure how to explain it without embarrassing myself or offending anyone.


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Firstly, you shouldn't be worrying about offending anyone. Basically it's simple: you have been presented with a situation and AS AN ADULT you have made your decision and said "Thanks, but no thanks". That should have been the end of it. It's not you, it's everyone else who is behaving badly and being offensive towards you ..... why on earth do they think they can guilt-trip an adult into doing something she very definitely doesn't want to do?!! 

The more they ride roughshod over your needs, the more it seems to me that they have an ulterior motive and this is actually not about you at all. I go back to my original thought that your bio-mum simply wants a live-in babysitter for the duration of the summer holidays.

It is a huge, huge thing that they are asking/telling you to do. Perhaps it is a test for you to show them you are an adult and must be treated as such. 

Just because you are saying 'no' to the visit now doesn't mean that you won't do it some time in the future ...... when you really feel up to it and WANT to do it. It really isn't a situation that someone should be pushed into against their will. 

It's just occurred to me that not only are they not considering your feelings, but they are also not considering your half-siblings. It would be hard for them to have a stranger suddenly move in, especially if there is a bit of an atmosphere and perhaps arguments at times.

Be strong and stick to your guns ...... keep reminding yourself that what they are asking you to do is totally unreasonable. What would be reasonable is letting you do it in your own way in your own time.


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## Marko3 (Mar 18, 2014)

Serephina said:


> It's just occurred to me that not only are they not considering your feelings, but they are also not considering your half-siblings. It would be hard for them to have a stranger suddenly move in...


this is totally true...


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

They told me I don't have to go if I can call her up and tell her the bad news myself. Huge guilt trip attempt and it's probably going to work, maybe I can suggest one weeked though. Ugh, I'm so scared of phones though and I'm so bad at standing up for myself when people don't approve, I feel like I'm going to get tricked into going. Or worse, I'm going to be scared to make the call and put it off until it's too late to say no.


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

At least that would be a direct conversation instead of everyone talking around you.


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## Lost Pirate (Jun 19, 2014)

Gwynevere said:


> Sorry, this isn't really so much an SA issue, just an issue in my life. But I don't really have people I can talk to outside of this site, and I really need to talk to someone about this.
> 
> So I've never discussed much about my family on here because it's messy and not really relevant to anything I've asked on here before. Just a quick background: I'm adopted, by my biological mother's brother and his wife, because my biological dad died before I was born and she was emotionally, mentally, and financially unable to raise me. My bio-mom has been somewhat involved in my life, more when I was too young to remember, but not very involved past 8 or so when she moved away, and I only see her infrequently. She's currently living a few hours away, remarried, and has young children.
> 
> ...


To put it simple: Don't do it if you don't want to.

My parents both have some issues. Both have atleast one diagnosis each, and my mother has more than that. It took me some time to realize this but remember that you can only live for yourself. You have your own life to explore and you can never live "for" her. You should never do it for her, she couldn't take care of you, she had to take care of yourself and now it's your turn. Even if you love her or hate her it doesn't really matter. You can't get anxiety and feel bad because feel you have to do it. I know it's not always easy and it brings a lot of guilt. In my case both my parents are living fairly bad lives but I can't be with them because old problems arise and they bring me down in their mental state. But they are old and have had their chance for a better life but they didn't or couldn't take it, and now I have the same chance and must take it.


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

orsomething said:


> gwyn, have you thought of telling them that pursuing a relationship with your bio mom under stress might taint your relationship with her and yr stepdad because you aren't emotionally prepared for this type of immersion?
> 
> i would try to convince them that even though they're trying to forge something positive, under these circumstances, negative feelings might develop, and it might become more harmful than they could imagine


Very good point! :yes

Also, just because they say you have to PHONE your bio-mum doesn't mean you have to do that ...... you could write her a VERY SHORT note. And that is important! It should be very short and to the point i.e. this is not the right thing for you at this moment in time. NO apologies, NO explanations, NO promises about the future. Good Luck and be strong in doing what YOU want.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

That is a good idea, both of you. That seems like a nicer thing to say that hopefully won't offend anybody, and I am much better at expressing myself in writing. I gotta say though: "*NO apologies, NO explanations, NO promises about the future.*" :afr No way. That goes against my personality at it's core, I always apologize, I always explain and explain until I can't anymore, and it's so hard not to lessen the blow by agreeing to future things. You pretty much listed my 3 biggest conversational weaknesses - how are you in my head? lol


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## Serephina (Apr 13, 2010)

Sorry about being in your head!

I became aware of being manipulated away from what I wanted to do, towards what the other person wanted, when I went to a group to help me overcome SA. The tutor pointed out that our wants and needs were just as important as anyone else's and the more we tried to placate the other person, the more we were TALKING OURSELVES(!) into doing what we didn't want to do! You really don't have to justify any of your decisions.


When you write to your bio-mum, perhaps you could think of it in a 'today-is-the-first-day-of-the-rest-of-my-life' way. Today is the day you are going to change this habit of (unnecessarily)putting other's wants before yours. Today is the day you are going to state what you are NOT going to do, and there is absolutely no need for you to justify that decision. Oh, and if she writes back trying to persuade you, don't reply! You have said what you wanted to say, no need for discussion.

Thing is, the sooner you start doing this, the easier it will become. This habit will replace the old one and your relations will gradually stop trying to push you around. 

Two things: your bio-mum was in the wrong 19 years ago, now she must do things your way. Secondly: the aunt and uncle who took you in do not have the right to tell you how you should act in this particular situation ...... it is way too personal.


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