# Have u ever made the mistake of getting into a relationship because u were desperate?



## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

I know what I have done has been stupid, but i'd just like to know if anyone else as been in the same predicament.

Having SA as a guy makes it extremely difficult to get a lady, Myself I couldn't look one in the eye let alone ask one out, it would just never happen in the month of Sundays. In my late teens I went out clubbing with my friends every weekend, while they pulled someone every weekend I never did and rather than being the odd one out I left the club early and went home. 

This went on for 2/3 years every single weekend until 1 weekend a girl approached me, I didn't really find her attractive but she was a pleasant girl and well 10 years later and after 3 kids we are still together but its been a struggle. I have never found her attractive and feel even more lonely that I did when I was by myself, she is also extremely shy, in fact she is almost a carbon copy of me, I'm pretty sure she doesn't find me attractive either but both of us didn't have any great option and well here we are.

Its extremely difficult when out and about, you see all these really attractive people and you know you have made a massive mistake.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

nope, i couldnt because im desperate..:roll


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

This post makes me sad.


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## hickorysmoked (Mar 7, 2010)

Wow man, I'm sorry to hear that. I actually just finally cut all ties with someone because of that exact same reason. It just didn't feel right and it didn't make any sense to hurt her again. I hope you two can find happiness whether together or on your own paths though.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

No, but I tried =D Luckily, I didn't succeed.


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

I gather that you are probably around 30. Maybe it was a massive mistake but your life isnt over yet. You could start again. A lot of people do that. Have you thought about that?


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I've never been desperate because I didn't care about being single. So no. But I'd enter relationships which were with the wrong person without knowing. Not worth it.


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## denverite (Dec 31, 2010)

At least you could get that far.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Lisa said:


> I gather that you are probably around 30. Maybe it was a massive mistake but your life isnt over yet. You could start again. A lot of people do that. Have you thought about that?


My life story is a bit similar to the OP's, and I started again in my 40s. I still regret and pay for the first mistake in the sense that I have the nagging idea that I wasted my life, then guilt because my kids are such a huge plus in my life, and ........ Yet I'm glad I made the changes I did.

Think about whether things are stale for the two of you. You could be re-writing your story, even half consciously. If that's not the case and you really aren't in the type of relationship you want, it really isn't too late to start again. Just think before you do anything.


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## Ambitious (Apr 17, 2011)

I am actully seeing someone now...
I dont find him to be too attractive but i know he is a lil sweetheart and his personality attracts me to him. So im confused on wether i actully like him or not... hmmm... 
This had made me think and evaulate my situation.

I havnt been on this forum for ages and i think i proberly wont come back again coz this place messes with my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel i make progress and i read things that confuse me so this minute i am logging off...

...proberly be back soon!


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## voospenvi2734 (Dec 2, 2010)

Lisa said:


> I gather that you are probably around 30. Maybe it was a massive mistake but your life isnt over yet. You could start again. A lot of people do that. Have you thought about that?


You can't really start over when you have 3 kids :/ but, I agree he can make some changes. If you don't love your wife (and it appears you never did?) and never will, then yes I would say divorce her and find someone new who you love. Some food for thought though: do you think your physical attraction is playing too large a part in totally turning your life around? From your post it appears to me it might be so, but I don't know what you're really feeling. If you don't like her as a person, don't feel any emotional, physical, or any other attraction, then ok. I vote you leave her before it gets worse. Best of luck


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I hope those sharks dont bite! :um


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## gold132 (Mar 27, 2009)

thats really sad..but to look on the positive side at least you have more experience than allot of people next time you'll know to meet the person you are really attracted too..

i'm in sort of a similar situation i recently got with my 1st girlfriend we havent met yet lol just talked online but i have to say looking at her pictures i'm only mildly attracted to her but i do like her personality so that makes up for allot. Hopefully when we meet i will be attracted to her but worst comes to worst and we break up soon but at least i have more experience


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## atticusfinch (Dec 18, 2010)

This is probably the most saddest post I've read on SAS.


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## Karuni (Jun 26, 2011)

I have to agree with the others in that this is a sad thread. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and especially of your children. 

I'd like to add my own experience, even though I am much younger and inexperienced. I had a relationship with a guy my sophomore year of high school. I really liked him a lot and thought it was amazing he asked me out. Several months later, I found out from him that he only asked me out because he was desperate for attention and a way to escape his loneliness. It hurt me a lot but he claimed to care about me after time had passed. I was terribly unhappy throughout the whole thing anyway, so I dumped him later. 

Basically, I was on the receiving end of somebody desperate, and I have to say, it is definitely not pleasant. There were other issues in that relationship too, of course, but the thing was doomed from the start.


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## DarkCloud (May 31, 2011)

I find that as a male, you are always wanting something newer something better. The truth is, for myself and many others, I don't find my wife attractive as before having my son. 

I'm not unattractive, nither is she, but sometimes I imagine myself being with someone else. 

When we fight I contemplate divorce, I want a way out because we are total opposites. I don't know how we made it this far.

In the end we are still together, we are happy for the most part, but I continue to think about other women. It is hard being a man with a conscious, and the belief that it takes a real man to hold himself together.

My question for you is, where will you be if without her?


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

Ah, you basically are saying you settled to have kids. A lot of people do that. Usually its the woman though because they only have so much time to have them. If you both wanted companionship and kids, that's what has been common since the beginning of time. Its a type of marriage that is respectable if there is respect and love there too.

Attraction is not everything. You just sound bored, and so does she. I think that's the biggest problem here as well as the real crime that's been covered up. 1) Have an exciting life and play outdoor games, go on hikes, travel and laugh and joke and practical joke. enjoy music together, volunteer, etc. 2) Also have a spiritual life of thankfulness, and love and support. I find that the more thankful I become despite cirumstances, the more humor is natural. Thankfulness is not natural joy first. It is gladness despite what else is in a situation that is not good. This is ironic. And I suppose this is why it produces humor. Humor produces laughter and joy in return. 

So many people want things that are pretty even people that are pretty, but what if you were blind? We want pretty things because that forces us to be thankful from the heart, but why pay so much for that, when you can be thankful for what you have when you have food and clean house. It takes some spritual muscle to do that. But once you get used to lifting, Lifting your spirit, it gets easier like it does with natural weight.. poeple throw us bad vibes and weights all the time. I wish we could all see the crap they throw at us, and press charges for its auric damage. In the next world if we all can see what people can do with their thoughts and words, maybe they will be embarrassed for it and they will run from the light that exposes this. Its all just vibrations though. Its not the looks but the vibes that are important. Anyone can shift their vibes unless they are in a lot of pain that is physical or if some recent tradegy happened. Be thankful and be humorous, sing, and show love. Good vibrations is what we all need, that is the spirit. Not the outward looks.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

atticusfinch said:


> This is probably the most saddest post I've read on SAS.


Gotta agree with that  Kinda reminds me of the guy who posted here a while ago saying he married early and loved his wife, but was thinking of divorcing her because he regretted never really having the opportunity to "play the field" before they married.


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## DarkCloud (May 31, 2011)

I find that as a male, you are always wanting something newer something better. The truth is, for myself and many others, I don't find my wife attractive as before having my son. 

I imagine myself being with someone else, I'm tempted to be with other women.

When we fight I contemplate divorce, I want a way out because we are total opposites. I don't know how we made it this far.

In the end we are still together, we are happy for the most part, but I continue to think about other women. It is hard being a man with a conscious, and the belief that it takes a real man to hold himself together.

My wife however, has been a big part in my life. My question for you is, where will you be if without yours?


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

atticusfinch said:


> This is probably the most saddest post I've read on SAS.


Yeah, it's sad. Maybe not the saddest post I've read... I'm not sure. But it ranks up there.

I have to admit I've always had back-of-mind fears about this sort of thing. Maybe it comes from having parents who divorced when I was really young (and a dad who found another woman he apparently liked more than my mom, _after_ she had 3 kids with him), and a fear that people always just settle and keep seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence. I have a fear of being just the person that someone settles for. :blank Sometimes it makes me wonder what's the point?

OP, if you really aren't happy with your current life, then I guess divorce is an option. But really give it the level of thought it deserves first. Especially since you have children. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.


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## NobodysPerfect (May 22, 2011)

Not exactly. I've never dated someone through desperation to just date someone for the sake of dating. I have never been out with someone who I haven't been attracted to on some level or wanted to be with for whatever reason but I have dated someone to try and conform to other people's standards and earn their respect, which is totally the wrong reason to date someone. I have dated the conventionally stereotypically attractive money will buy me everything type of guy and it saddens me I did that just to please my family and 'friends'. I sort of did it as an experiment. I liked him, don't get me wrong, but I never intended to be in a relationship with him because of the type of personality he had and even though he was superior to me in terms of looks, he wasn't really my type. However, by dating him, people looked at me differently. If we went out and he'd be all over me, I definatley felt like I suddenly was getting more respect from other women and the men seemed to look at me more. They probably were thinking what on earth is he doing with her or she must be real good to nab him. It saddens me that even though he was clearly the stereotypical cocky bad boy not good for you type, people we're encouraging me to be with him rather then the usual less stereotypical good looking kind guy I tend to prefer.

Individuals in my life wanted to know me just for gossip, for the sake of associating with someone that now appeared popular just because of some stereotypical guy candy on my arm and because I'd conformed to the way of life they wanted me to lead. I appeared to adopt the same values and desires the majority of fake people seek and I resent myself that I gave people that impression just so basically my family and 'friends' would embrace me and give me the time of day. I find so many people push you to date just for the sake of not being alone rather then seeing you alone waiting to find the compatible one. Anyway, I broke up with him. I was honest. He lectured me about how he wasn't superior to me and all that jazz, but I know in my heart I made the right decision to end it. I was effectively using him to feel accepted by people who should accept me for being myself and for liking who I like rather then who they'd like to see me with. You have to accept that people are always going to judge your choices and arn't always going to agree but if you sell yourself out, you'll always judge yourself more then they will.

In my opinion, compatibility, trust and friendship is paramount to relationships before looks in order for them to work. Naturally you may lust after other women occassionally and think what if, but even if you had waited for someone who you deemed more attractive physically, you may never have met that person and even if you did, she may not of had the compatibility, been trustworthy or been there for you like you're current partner is. *Looks fade, personality rarely does. When we're all old and grey there won't be much difference between her and an ex model so try not to dwell on the physical elements too much. I know it's easier said then done but life isn't meant to be a walk in the park. By all means look and appreciate the beauty around you but walk that same path because you've chose it now and at the end of that path, you can probably guarantee who will be there to hold you're hand, you're long-term partner and children.

*Having said all that though, it's your life and if you choose to switch paths, you always have that option but to me you've chosen your path already, you've had children now so it's better to see what awaits on the path you've chosen as you were probably destined to take it. Yes curiosity will always be there. At the end of the day, if you are BOTH unhappy, all you can do is communicate with each other, see if you can spice up your love life and if there is literally no attraction whatsoever then do what is in your heart to do. That's all you can do. But don't turn you're back on love just for lust.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

NobodysPerfect said:


> *Looks fade, personality rarely does. When we're all old and grey there won't be much difference between her and an ex model so try not to dwell on the physical elements too much *


 Looks last a long time. With personality the person could change after a while and theirs nothing wrong with emphasizing on the external. Im not trying to be superficial with apperance but beauty is only skin deep and personality is not forever.


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## NobodysPerfect (May 22, 2011)

MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> Looks last a long time. With personality the person could change after a while and theirs nothing wrong with emphasizing on the external. Im not trying to be superficial with apperance but beauty is only skin deep and personality is not forever.


Yes I appreciate personality can change and naturally looks will last a certain length of time but I still think personality (generally) will out rule looks in the end. Naturally I agree there has to be a level of attraction to begin with but usually you wouldn't go with that person if that wasn't initally there. There must be some level of attraction for them to be together intially surely as I can't imagine he'd get with someone he was repulsed by. I think personality only mainly is altered when two people arn't compatible personality wise but if they've been together for over 10 years there must be a reason for that, other then just through guilt or for the sake of being with someone and therefore that makes me think they are compatible. Ofcourse I don't know their relationship however to really speculate on whether he should stay with her or pursue other options, that's his choice. But yeah I appreciate what you are saying though I view it slightly differently


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

I wouldn't give up on the relationship just yet. Maybe you feel like your bond isn't very strong because you have gotten into a rut and there's nothing feeding your relationship. You said that you weren't really attracted when you first met, but that's true for a lot of people, and then they develop attraction to each other based on other factors. 

So the question is, why hasn't that happened for you? From your post it sounded like you are actually similar personalities, so it wouldn't seem like there's a great barrier to developing some kind of attraction. That's why I'm thinking it could be because you are in a rut and haven't been able to renew the relationship.

Maybe you can try some new things to break the routine. Go some place new in your town, take up some new activities together, go for walks together, have new experiences, read up on something you wouldn't normally read about and talk about it, etc. There's tons of things you can do. The more you shake up your routine, the more you will be forced to find new ways of relating to your wife, which will bring more depth to your relationship and will make it more exciting. I have no experience with relationships myself, but I do know the havoc and depression that falling into a rut can cause. I made some small changes to my routine along the lines I mentioned, and it did wonders in terms of giving me some hope and a small measure of vitality. So I think the general principle can apply to relationships as well: the more you keep things fresh, the more depth you'll gain in your relationship. It's worth giving it a try at least.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies everyone. The good out of this is I have 3 wonderful children and I could never be without them, my own mother left when I was a baby so I know what its like not to have a parent around and I would never put my children through that.

My wife is my best friend and I am blessed to have someone like her in my life, its just such a shame there is no physical attraction between us, and attraction is just not something you can work on, you are either attracted to someone or your not, we don't sleep together and have fleeting moment of intimacy it is hard, b where would I be without her?



> I find that as a male, you are always wanting something newer something better. The truth is, for myself and many others, I don't find my wife attractive as before having my son.
> 
> I imagine myself being with someone else, I'm tempted to be with other women.
> 
> ...


I can relate totally, perhaps as men we will always be preprogrammed to think about other women, Its all I think about and it does take strength to hold yourself together, but then even if I did want to act on my urges who would take me? Its not that I am ugly its the fact I have SA.



> Gotta agree with that Kinda reminds me of the guy who posted here a while ago saying he married early and loved his wife, but was thinking of divorcing her because he regretted never really having the opportunity to "play the field" before they married.


I can relate to this, I never played the field, perhaps if I had I wouldn't be stuck in this situation and again I blame this on social anxiety, as a teen its all about parties, girls and what ever else, SA kills this, you might still have the parties but you certainly won't have the girls.

So guys I guess all I can do is continue on what I am doing. When kids come along you have to do what's right by them always, during all this I have become very religious and I have to trust that this path is laid out for me for a reason.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Witan said:


> Gotta agree with that  Kinda reminds me of the guy who posted here a while ago saying he married early and loved his wife, but was thinking of divorcing her because he regretted never really having the opportunity to "play the field" before they married.


Hmmm... This worries me. My GF is great, but she's the first girl I've had any sort of real sexual experience with, and it is a real fear that eventually, I'll grow to resent her because I had to choose her or to play the field so to speak. Oh well, nothing's perfect .

To the OP

I'm really sorry to hear that, I really am. I hope you can find happiness, regardless where life ends up taking you, and however you decide to handle this. To answer your question though, no. Even when I'd say I was a bit desperate, and there was a girl who came out and admitted she really liked me, I couldn't go for it because I wasn't attracted to her. I just couldn't imagine living a lie, and that she deserved a guy who actually was attracted to her. The other situation fear and anxiety kept me from acting, but perhaps I would have gone into a desperation relationship.


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## pollster (Oct 4, 2009)

lonelyjew said:


> Hmmm... This worries me. My GF is great, but she's the first girl I've had any sort of real sexual experience with, and it is a real fear that eventually, I'll grow to resent her because I had to choose her or to play the field so to speak. Oh well, nothing's perfect .


This is interesting (genuinely). I have to admit that I don't fully understand this particular mentality. I'm not sure if it's a guy thing in particular, or perhaps not gender-specific but just the outlook of certain individuals. I have a feeling it skews heavily to men though, given the way the whole "playing the field" thing seems to be seen as every man's birthright. (I don't mean that in a mean-spirited way either.)

Thinking of myself, for example, it honestly wouldn't matter to me if the first person was that "great" person. I don't think it would bother me that much that I didn't have much or any experiences aside from that person, as long as I see that person as "great"... Don't get me wrong, there will always be someone who could potentially be "better" or "worse" even. Potentially - don't really know for sure. But as long as the current person was "great" to me and I enjoyed them and was attracted to them physically and mentally, why care?

Again though, that's just me. I do think it must be a guy thing to always be wondering if there's someone better they can do. (Yes, I meant it that way.) 

BTW, don't take my post as in any way meaning to be harsh. I honestly find it interesting.

Also, I view your situation as different from the OP because you seem to be attracted to your GF, whereas the OP has stated he's not. So in the OPs case, I can understand his problem more. Although I do see what you're saying as well, it's just a bit more foreign to me.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

DarkCloud said:


> I find that as a male, you are always wanting something newer something better.* The truth is, for myself and many others, I don't find my wife attractive as before having my son.*
> 
> I imagine myself being with someone else, I'm tempted to be with other women.
> 
> ...


That part hurts my feelings to read... women get saggy stomachs/stretch marks/gain a little weight and lose some shape.. but she pushed a 7lb football out of her vag and you DIDNT.. and thats half your fault btw:roll! She made a sacrifice to do that with her looks a bit and u cant look past that.. u want MORE? Ok its one thing if personality goes down hill but come on man... This makes me never want to have children with a man bc thats all its ok.. nice perky tits and flat stomach.. lose it and i'll go check other girls out uve done ur service now go take care of our children and f off.... UGHHHH... maybe thats a bit dramatic im in a bad mood lol but srsly thats whack..


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

pollster said:


> This is interesting (genuinely). I have to admit that I don't fully understand this particular mentality. I'm not sure if it's a guy thing in particular, or perhaps not gender-specific but just the outlook of certain individuals. I have a feeling it skews heavily to men though, given the way the whole "playing the field" thing seems to be seen as every man's birthright. (I don't mean that in a mean-spirited way either.)
> 
> Thinking of myself, for example, it honestly wouldn't matter to me if the first person was that "great" person. I don't think it would bother me that much that I didn't have much or any experiences aside from that person, as long as I see that person as "great"... Don't get me wrong, there will always be someone who could potentially be "better" or "worse" even. Potentially - don't really know for sure. But as long as the current person was "great" to me and I enjoyed them and was attracted to them physically and mentally, why care?
> 
> ...


I think it has to do with how our society defines masculinity. I think guys are expected to sleep with lots of women in order to truly be "a man". It seems like guys who don't are basically equated with being wimps and losers. Just look at the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. The title virgin is a guy (not a woman), and he's portrayed as a socially inept loser because he's still a virgin.

Maybe I'm wrong, but all I know is that I'm a guy, and that's what I feel is expected of me. I feel like being my age and having no experience is something I should be ashamed of :stu


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## bittertaste (Jul 2, 2011)

Yes. The first time I "dated" the only reason I said yes was because I was asked.

The second time wasn't really the same thing, but I was pretty desperate to have a relationship with her because I felt like we had a special connection and I didn't want to lose it. I seriously could imagine myself living with her. Now not so much.

Oh well.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

Witan said:


> I think it has to do with how our society defines masculinity. I think guys are expected to sleep with lots of women in order to truly be "a man". It seems like guys who don't are basically equated with being wimps and losers. Just look at the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. The title virgin is a guy (not a woman), and he's portrayed as a socially inept loser because he's still a virgin.
> 
> Maybe I'm wrong, but all I know is that I'm a guy, and that's what I feel is expected of me. I feel like being my age and having no experience is something I should be ashamed of :stu


Yes I agree, But the thing is getting a girl isn't hard for the average guy, I watched it in action many weekends for a few year, my friends would go out to a club and pull almost every weekend, now these guys weren't special but they did have the confidence and the gift of the gab and I think that's all you really need, how you look doesn't really come into it as such if you can chat a female up and unfortunately for us its the 1 vital component we lack.


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

kathy903 said:


> That part hurts my feelings to read... women get saggy stomachs/stretch marks/gain a little weight and lose some shape.. but she pushed a 7lb football out of her vag and you DIDNT.. and thats half your fault btw:roll! She made a sacrifice to do that with her looks a bit and u cant look past that.. u want MORE? Ok its one thing if personality goes down hill but come on man... This makes me never want to have children with a man bc thats all its ok.. nice perky tits and flat stomach.. lose it and i'll go check other girls out uve done ur service now go take care of our children and f off.... UGHHHH... maybe thats a bit dramatic im in a bad mood lol but srsly thats whack..


I don't exactly blame you for feeling this way. As much as I wish that the OP would have happiness in his life, the fact that I constantly read stuff like makes me very paranoid to get married and have a child. Especially the fact that after having a child most women stretch out quite a bit. First child you can normally regain your looks but after the second it becomes harder and harder.

There's the fear of being with someone that I know doesn't love me and feeling stuck with that person just because I feel like no one will ever want me because 'it's all about youth and looks' with a lot of guys. Sometimes I feel like this is why some girls turn to the whole skank lifestyle and why they don't want commitment. They fear THIS happening to them and being stuck with a guy that wants a younger prettier girl (sorry, guys can grow older and wiser but for some reason always still think with their dicks when it comes to girls. What can I say, it's the testosterone). And if a guy is in a situation where they are able to attain that girl whose to say that they won't go for it? Some men stay committed and some don't.

As for the OP that's a sad situation where people are going to get hurt. From what it sounds like, your wife might feel the same as you? But you have your options and some good advice from atticus and a few other people that went through similar things. You have your options I guess. Hopefully you and your partner can find true happiness if you can't find that together.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

pollster said:


> Again though, that's just me. I do think it must be a guy thing to always be wondering if there's someone better they can do. (Yes, I meant it that way.)


I can only speak for myself, but I think it's as simple as not having that visceral understanding of what I do have. To make an analogy of it, my family came from a nation with far less opportunities, far less wealth, far less tolerance, etc. than the US. I know how great the US is because I know what it is to not have lived in the US, and so I love this nation and appreciate it. On the other hand, I would say most Americans have little appreciation for the simple fact that they do not know what they have, because they've never not had it.

Cognitively, I know I'm lucky. My GF isn't a knockout (she's pretty), but physical attractiveness, to me, is a threshold thing, where if I'm attracted to you that's enough, with more physical attractiveness having diminishing returns. The important thing is how great of a person she is and the connection/compatibility we have. I can recognize this on a higher level, but I would be lying if I didn't wish I could try something else, if anything, just to feel how lucky I am rather than simply to know it.

It would be nice to cast aside these wants, but I've learned that we have little control of our feelings.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

I know you said you don't find her attractive, but do you love her?


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

MojoCrunch said:


> I don't exactly blame you for feeling this way. As much as I wish that the OP would have happiness in his life, the fact that I constantly read stuff like makes me very paranoid to get married and have a child. Especially the fact that after having a child most women stretch out quite a bit. First child you can normally regain your looks but after the second it becomes harder and harder.
> 
> There's the fear of being with someone that I know doesn't love me and feeling stuck with that person just because I feel like no one will ever want me because 'it's all about youth and looks' with a lot of guys. Sometimes I feel like this is why some girls turn to the whole skank lifestyle and why they don't want commitment. They fear THIS happening to them and being stuck with a guy that wants a younger prettier girl (sorry, guys can grow older and wiser but for some reason always still think with their dicks when it comes to girls. What can I say, it's the testosterone). And if a guy is in a situation where they are able to attain that girl whose to say that they won't go for it? Some men stay committed and some don't.
> 
> As for the OP that's a sad situation where people are going to get hurt. From what it sounds like, your wife might feel the same as you? But you have your options and some good advice from atticus and a few other people that went through similar things. You have your options I guess. Hopefully you and your partner can find true happiness if you can't find that together.


There are men out there who love women who they are either way saggy or not.. love happens.. we'll be ok <3 
I posted that in a spazzy mood lol just ignore that clownish comment that dude said.... stupid is as stupid doesssssss - forest gump 
hahaha


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## sighsigh (Nov 9, 2010)

Lisa said:


> I gather that you are probably around 30. Maybe it was a massive mistake but your life isnt over yet. You could start again. A lot of people do that. Have you thought about that?


One wonders how much truth this statement holds, considering you have children. To "start again" would involve divorce, and then opening yourself up to the dating scene.

It's debatable how much damage divorce does to children. Some argue that happy and divorced parents are better for children than unhappy and married ones. Some argue that as long as your marriage is "good enough" (e.g. you are not openly in conflict), then divorce would cause more harm. Ultimately, it's something you'd have to research.

There are MANY married couples in your situation. How they reached such a situation differs. But two people married and no longer experiencing attraction towards each other is not uncommon. Many divorce. Many of these couples choose to wait the marriage out until their kids become older. That's what my parents did. My mother just moved out a month ago (I'm about to turn 20).



DarkCloud said:


> My wife however, has been a big part in my life. My question for you is, where will you be if without yours?


You must also ask yourself this. Having been together for so long, your wife is an integral part of your life. Don't underestimate the impact of being without her.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

AK32 said:


> I know you said you don't find her attractive, but do you love her?


Well I think so, there has never been any affection between us but I think I do, well in the same way you love a best friend at least.


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## Revenwyn (Apr 11, 2011)

Yes, I have made that mistake. 

However we worked around it and are married today.


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## GothicRavenGoddess (Jul 21, 2011)

Not so much "desperate" as i was "lonely". bleh. either way. it didn't end very well. oh well, i guess. I was young and *very* stupid. I won't be doing that again.

By young, I mean like 14. The closer I get to 30, the less I think of myself as being "young". I'll be 26 in December. Besides, I've seen A LOT in my short little life. I feel freaking old, since everything either protests or creaks when I move LOL /rant


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## Ventura (May 5, 2009)

Their has to be something to 'spice' it up ....


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## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

I don't know about desperate, but as others have written I've found myself in a relationship or two because I was lonely and enjoyed the attention/company of a young woman. I don't believe they ended well, although I can't remember specifics. 

What I seriously don't understand is these woman (not saying men don't do this as well, I just don't see it as often) who are never without a boyfriend. I had a friend in high school, and after we graduated she had a different boyfriend every 2 or 3 months when I'd talk to her. She eventually got married to one of them, which I am very happy for them, but it just seems crazy to see people who feel like they always have to date someone. 

Ok, that was my rant. Sorry to veer off in the wrong direction..


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

No, but I certinly have thought about it.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

No, but I may end up doing that the next time someone shows interest in me. Even if I'm not interested in her, I'm tired of being alone.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> No, but I may end up doing that the next time someone shows interest in me. Even if I'm not interested in her, I'm tired of being alone.


That is exactly how I felt, Its all well and good to judge, but if you spent weekend after weekend without getting as much as a smile from the opposite sex you may think differently.

I remember as a teen alot of us used to hang around the football field in the summer, there was more boys than girls, everyone used to drink, get drunk and kop of with each other, I was always the guy who was left over, Or I was left chatting to the gay guy, Or even worse was when the only girl left over would make out with the gay guy, Oh yes that did indeed happen.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

thequietmanuk said:


> I remember as a teen alot of us used to hang around the football field in the summer, there was more boys than girls, everyone used to drink, get drunk and kop of with each other, I was always the guy who was left over, Or I was left chatting to the gay guy, Or even worse was when the only girl left over would make out with the gay guy, Oh yes that did indeed happen.


I strongly suspect you didn't initiate anything, even if just giving off certain signals in your eye contact and expressions. It rarely happens otherwise.


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## listener123 (May 31, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> Looks get subjectively and relatively interpreted and, by definition, change over time. Which lasts longer without help: flawless skin or who you are as a person?


Plus, can't we all think of examples of people we found more attractive once we got to know them? I'm not saying someone goes from repulsive to Jennifer Anniston, but maybe you weren't bowled over by their looks at first, and then the more you talked and got to know them, the more happy you were in their presence.

The other thing is, it's not good to be "testing" your feelings for someone too much. I feel like the more you ask yourself, "Do I really think she's pretty?" the more likely you are to focus on doubts. Just be in the moment.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> So, because you don't get some attention from some random people (or don't notice such attention and or don't act on it), it therefore follows that it is a good idea to get into a relationship you know you don't actually want to be in?


Well hindsight is a wonderful thing. I didn't know the way things would go.



> I strongly suspect you didn't initiate anything, even if just giving off certain signals in your eye contact and expressions. It rarely happens otherwise.


Nope I never initiated anything, I never have. I did get friends to ask girls outs but that just resulted in my friends making out with them. I remember one occasion my friend was in a relationship with a girl, the girl said she would have a word to one of her friends for me as apparently she liked me, So over this girl came, she was tall, blonde, gorgeous, I was scared $hitless she was so beautiful, we sat there in total awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only for about 5 mins and she eventually got up and left, She was mine for the taking, the best chance i've ever had in my life. At the end of the night I saw the girl going home with a guy.


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## thequietmanuk (Feb 20, 2011)

joinmartin said:


> Yes, you didn't know how things were going to go. But you didn't want to get into a relationship and you knew that.
> 
> What is it like when you are honest with yourself? If you liked someone, what stopped you from talking to them?


Probably my self esteem, I think why would they want to talk to me. I do the same with guys, I often think a good looking guy wouldn't want me talking to them, like id cramp there style or something.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

I've had several opportunities now to get in to relationships with girls i wasnt interested in.......i was tempted but just couldnt go through with it. No matter how lonely i get, i cannot settle. It just feels all wrong.


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