# how do you know if a guy wants a relationship or just a hook-up?



## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

I really like him, im 19 and he's 25...super attractive my ideal type of guy looks wise and we get along great.

But he always makes things sexual, and i dont mind that because who doesn't love sex with someone attractive?

But I want more, I want a relationship.
Do I ask him straight up what his intentions are?


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## Lipizzan (May 31, 2013)

yep, you do. it's the only way you'll really know right off the bat. you don't want to go through all the waiting and hooking up, only to find out the hard way that he doesn't want anything more. it's sad and feels bad.
Hopefully he does want more though  that'd be great.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Well there is no universal relationship signal guys use so its best just ask


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

Ask. But he can also lie to get laid. I would say only have sex if you don't mind to hear after that he was just using you.


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## Beingofglass (May 5, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> But he *always makes things sexual*, and i dont mind that because who doesn't love sex with someone attractive?


Yea... I don't know about this, a hot guy is a hot guy to many women, and if he's ALWAYS sexual, that's a warning sign.

But, ask him, maybe he'll lie, maybe he won't. Maybe you get hurt, maybe you won't.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

A guy who goes straight for the sex is probably not even thinking about a relationship.


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## Cam1 (Dec 4, 2011)

Just don't have sex with him until you've established a real relationship.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

PickleNose said:


> A guy who goes straight for the sex is probably not even thinking about a relationship.


:yes When I was younger and single, if I couldn't bed down a woman soon, I just didn't contact her anymore.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

nubly said:


> :yes When I was younger and single, if I couldn't bed down a woman soon, I just didn't contact her anymore.


well he hasn't got anything yet and it's been almost 4 weeks...is that a good sign?


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

ok im at a cross-roads now do i
a) have a serious talk with him and tell him i want to be in a relationship before sex so he doesn't just use me...and if he doesn't want a relationship i'll just move on 
or 
b) enjoy the sex with a hot guy and just hope he ends up wanting more/a relationship too
?


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## TheTraveler (Jan 31, 2013)

bank on the latter. No man will get into a relationship if they can get the gold without working for it. If he wants a relationship hell ask you out on a proper date and court you. If not he is just a douche.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

oh and he has a one yr old and a three yr old daughter
does that change things?


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> ok im at a cross-roads now do i
> a) have a serious talk with him and tell him i want to be in a relationship before sex so he doesn't just use me...and if he doesn't want a relationship i'll just move on
> or
> b) enjoy the sex with a hot guy and just hope he ends up wanting more/a relationship too
> ?


Both of those are bad.

Tell him you're not comfortable with all the sexual stuff. If he stops you know he cares about you. If he doesn't he just wants to get into your pants and you shouldn't let him because it's going to emotionally hurt when he leaves after getting what he wants.



sleepforeverandever said:


> oh and he has a one yr old and a three yr old daughter
> does that change things?


Yes.

Get the hell out while you still can.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

sleepforeverandever said:


> oh and he has a one yr old and a three yr old daughter
> does that change things?


Was he married before?


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Was he married before?


engaged, but they broke up


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Must be pretty bad with birth control. I'd be afraid and I don't see why you want to date someone who had 2 kids, especially at your age.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Must be pretty bad with birth control. I'd be afraid and I don't see why you want to date someone who had 2 kids, especially at your age.


yeah, finding out about his kids was a massive shock at first but they live with their mum in another city and stay over every other weekend, and i mean im great with kids...kids always like me haha  but in all seriousness, it would be a huge responsibility.

I like him for him and i just want more, i'd be broken if he just wanted to use me for sex.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Must be pretty bad with birth control. I'd be afraid and I don't see why you want to date someone who had 2 kids, especially at your age.


Especially.

He's still thinking about sex, not love. What a complete dick. Once you have kids there's a whole lot of responsibility that goes along with it and this guy just doesn't get that.

I'm guessing he isn't even taking care of them? Pays child support or something to that effect?

Yeah he's attractive. It's clouding your judgment.



sleepforeverandever said:


> I really like him, im 19 and he's 25...super attractive my ideal type of guy looks wise and *we get along great*.


Only because he's playing you that way.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Yeah if you go with this guy he's going to end up fathering more kids. No protection before marriage? 

Unless you want to be another single mother to this world I'd advise against hooking up with this guy yet. Judging by your profile pic you seem decent looking enough to find someone else with ease.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

TheDarkKnight said:


> Yeah if you go with this guy he's going to end up fathering more kids. No protection before marriage?
> 
> Unless you want to be another single mother to this world I'd advise against hooking up with this guy yet. Judging by your profile pic you seem decent looking enough to find someone else with ease.


I peg her as being more thoughtful than to fall into that trick.

OP I think you have the looks and personality to get a way, way better guy. Don't settle for this trash.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

oh and well...on the weekend i had a few friends over and i got super dunk and texted him saying to come over and "**** me" yes i know, bad bad bad move...he didn't come over and had a laugh and told me to get some sleep, i apologized in the morning and he said its okay and was being sweet about it.

if he was such a player and only in it for sex wouldn't he have come over?
thats a good sign right?


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> oh and well...on the weekend i had a few friends over and i got super dunk and texted him saying to come over and "**** me" yes i know, bad bad bad move...he didn't come over and had a laugh and told me to get some sleep, i apologized in the morning and he said its okay and was being sweet about it.
> 
> if he was such a player and only in it for sex wouldn't he have come over?
> thats a good sign right?


Not necessarily but perhaps.

Was this a weekend where he had his kids?


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

Sacrieur said:


> Not necessarily but perhaps.
> 
> Was this a weekend where he had his kids?


Nope, didn't have the kids...he'd just been at his mates house and was chilling at home (according to him)


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Well this changes things.

Probably not a scumbag (possibly, there's always the chance he could have been with someone else). But suppose you give him the benefit of the doubt.

Doesn't hurt to keep trying I suppose... Maybe he has some own commitment conflicts that he's trying to work out. Maybe he just likes you as a friend and he's struggling with sexual feelings as well.

I can't really say for sure. I would say asking him to lay off the sexual stuff and see what he does would be the ideal reaction.

---

A lot of people have HUGE reservations about dating people with mental illnesses. It's very possible he cares about your feelings and may actually understand you're hypersensitive. Or maybe you'll come off bat**** insane and he's trying to distance himself.

All of the normal friends I have stay away from mental illness with a ten foot pole.


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## niacin (May 26, 2012)

I think you should have a serious talk with him. Ask him if you're the only girl he is seeing, what his intentions are, and any other concerns you have. An honest start is key to a healthy relationship. You don't even have to be weird about it. Just sincerely express your curiosity and you can't go wrong.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

thanks so much for the advice everyone 
i feel like he is a genuinely good guy, and my anxiety is just causing me to over-think and hyper analyse every little thing.
i'm gonna take things slowly with him and be very careful.
i want to get closer as friends to a point where we can have the conversation about a possible relationship.

i'll keep you updated


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## Spungo (Jul 30, 2012)

nubly said:


> :yes When I was younger and single, if I couldn't bed down a woman soon, I just didn't contact her anymore.


I did that too. I can tell when I'm in the friend zone, and I have enough self respect to cut ties when that happens.

Try to remember the advice that men give to other men. If you can't get sex from a woman, it means she's not interested. Stop wasting time trying to escape the friend zone and find a different girl. Eventually a guy will find a girl who genuinely likes him and doesn't play childish mind games.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I assume all guys are after sex only unless they prove otherwise. 

I'm cynical like that.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

OP, I can tell you right now that if you decide to pursue this relationship it will not end well.

Forget about him. Find someone younger, with no kids, and who you have more in common with other than a desire to **** each other.



> b) enjoy the sex with a hot guy and just hope he ends up wanting more/a relationship too


This doesn't work. It never did, it never will. You can't make someone want something they don't want, and having sex with someone you like hoping they'll want more is just a bad idea.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Personally I would find a guy without kids. At your age, I couldn't imagine falling in love with someone and then being thrown the huge baggage of kids. Also are those kids from a past ex or exes? Was he married had the kid/s and divorced? Does he talk ill about his ex?


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

we're going on a "date" next week, i basically had to beg because he's so "busy".

might cancel.

either he is actually really busy or he isn't interested because unless he's horny i dont seem to matter to him


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## Shygirl427 (May 25, 2008)

diamondheart89 said:


> I assume all guys are after sex only unless they prove otherwise.
> 
> I'm cynical like that.


OP a good rule of thumb is to expect the worst when it comes to guys, while still hoping for the best. Like someone said they only want sex and if they don't get it they move on. Sadly, most guys think this way.


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## Glass Child (Feb 28, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> we're going on a "date" next week, i basically had to beg because he's so "busy".
> 
> might cancel.
> 
> either he is actually really busy or he isn't interested because unless he's horny i dont seem to matter to him


Unless he's horny?

Well, if you're having so many doubts, I don't see why you are pursuing this.
Especially since he has kids.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

I can't tell you what this guy is thinking, but I can advise you to do your best about birth control. At the very least his pattern suggests this guy sticks around long enough to make a kid but when it comes to being a father he gets the **** out of dodge. 


sleepforeverandever said:


> yeah, finding out about his kids was a massive shock at first *but they live with their mum in another city and stay over every other weekend*, and i mean im great with kids...kids always like me haha  but in all seriousness, it would be a huge responsibility.
> 
> I like him for him and i just want more, i'd be broken if he just wanted to use me for sex.


That's how invested he's going to be, and I feel like you skipped over that automatically getting excited because the kids didn't seem like a big responsibility, and you could handle every other weekend. But that could be you one day having the child 5-6 days a week, and with the other children he has it might even be less. I would speculate that he would be a committed boyfriend until you got pregnant. And ironically this is the positive scenario in which you get the relationship that you wanted, with a lifetime price tag you didn't bargain for. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't date this guy, I just think you need to take a look at what's already on his plate and how he's handling that, and then think about how adding yourself to that equation is probably going to turn out.


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## cinnamonqueen (Jun 7, 2013)

I am telling you now hun, this guy wants to bang you and leave. It is a hookup. If a guy wanted a relationship he wouldn't make things sexual all the time and respect your boundaries. Do NOT accept this behavior from him, and let him sleep with you because he is goodlooking and is 'into' you. 

HE WILL PLAY THE NICE GUY AT FIRST BUT HIS TRUE INTENTIONS WILL COME OUT, WILL FLAKE ON YOU, MAKE PLANS THEN SOMEHOW MAGICALLY HAVE OTHER ISH COME UP UNLESS YOU MENTION SEX.

BY THE WAY YOU PLAY A HUGE PART IN THIS TOO, STOP TALKING IN SEXUAL TERMS WITH HIM OR ENCOURAGING THE BEHAVIOR.

What girl hasn't been through this. DUMP HIM FAST. DO NOT LET THE FACT HE IS FINE, AND WHATEVER EXCUSE YOU MAY MAKE UP, TAKE PLACE FOR THE FACT THIS GUY JUST WANTS SEX. I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW BIG OF A MISTAKE YOU ARE MAKING. IT IS CLEAR AS DAY HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I dare you to ask him if he does and he will lie and say yes, while trying to feel on you. 

IF IT IS YOUR INSECURITIES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL YOU CAN'T DO ANY BETTER, WELL SWEETY YOU CAN. DO NOT GET DAZED BY THE FACT HE IS INTO YOU AND YOU FEEL DESIRED CLOUD YOUR JUDGEMENT. BECAUSE HE WILL SLEEP WITH YOU AND YOU WILL FEEL SO FREAKING LONELY AND USED, AND HE WILL WALK OUT THAT DOOR OR CONTINUE TO USE YOU AS A SMASH BUDDY WHENEVER HE GETS LONELY.

RUN.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

He hasn't texted or called since we arranged the "date"
im so depressed, my moods been going down hill each day.

i just want a boyfriend, i liked him so much i just wanted someone to love and to love me back  no drama, just a cute, chilled out relationship but that's too much to ask right? a little bit of happiness, i've got all this love in me and i just want someone to give it to.

Why did he even act interested in the first place??? 

Im gonna be alone forever whats the point? 

ordering pizzas now...time to emotional eat haha :/ at least pizza makes me happy


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> i just want a boyfriend, i liked him so much i just wanted someone to love and to love me back  no drama, just a cute, chilled out relationship but that's too much to ask right? a little bit of happiness, i've got all this love in me and i just want someone to give it to.


Some people just want love, some people are just scared of love.

Funny how both types tend to clash into each other most of the time.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> Some people just want love, some people are just scared of love.
> 
> Funny how both types tend to clash into each other most of the time.


Well how can I change that? I won't hurt him, I won't cheat, I'd treat him like an absolute king if he just gave me the chance.

I'm so goddamn depressed right now.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> Well how can I change that? I won't hurt him, I won't cheat, I'd treat him like an absolute king if he just gave me the chance.
> 
> I'm so goddamn depressed right now.


Just get to know him more and maybe he'll open up. Cherish every moment you're with him and when you're not, do your own things that you enjoy. There's a girl that I love to hang out with, we're pretty close but she's got SAD and is work-focused - I really enjoy her company and I respect her boundaries. I used to see her 5 days a week but she's away on training for a month - the first week was torture and she's the type that's very uncomfortable with texting/calling unless it's about work. So imagine going for a month of barely talking to her. At first it was depressing and frustrating but you just go back to doing what you were doing by yourself, be yourself and the relationship will perhaps become a commitment between two *individual *people. No point being very dependent if your partner is not going to provide that dependency.


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## eveningbat (Jan 21, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> Well how can I change that? I won't hurt him, I won't cheat, I'd treat him like an absolute king if he just gave me the chance.
> 
> I'm so goddamn depressed right now.


I understand you so well. Unfortunately, guys are very unserious, well, many of them are. I have met one (from another country) who turned out to be capricious like a baby. He just wants a one night stand and no responsibility. So they just use a woman and throw her away. Those men are not ready for any fulfillment or commitment. And this is unfair because many good women want to be happy with the right men. Well, maybe yours is a good one, I do not know. You seem to be an honest and nice person so I honestly wish you good luck.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

If he checks his phone periodically during your time together.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

sleepforeverandever said:


> Well how can I change that? I won't hurt him, I won't cheat, I'd treat him like an absolute king if he just gave me the chance.
> 
> I'm so goddamn depressed right now.


You can't make him want a relationship anymore than he can make you stop wanting one.

From what you've written, it sounds like he's already revealed what he wants to you. If he makes everything about sex and only seems interested when you're horny, then chances are he's just thinking about sex. I'm sorry.  It's best to move on to someone who wants the same thing as you.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

This guy has got it pretty good. He doesn't put in any work yet he has drunk girls texting him for booty calls. He's got an awesome life.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

diamondheart89 said:


> I assume all guys are after sex only unless they prove otherwise.
> 
> I'm cynical like that.


What a coincidence, I assume all girls assume that all guys are after sex only unless proven otherwise. 

I'm cynical like that as well.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Grand said:


> Girls have to assume that, or else they may end up getting used by some guy they honestly thought cared about them. :yes
> 
> I understand how it may bother guys who aren't only after sex, but women have to be cautious.


Oh I agree, they SHOULD be cautious. I'm not saying their concerns don't have merit, on the contrary, were I female, I'd have the same mindset about every single male, ever. If you look at society nowadays everything is just sex, money, and fun. Instant, selfish gratification. At least in the States that is, I don't know how other places fare, yet I'm quite sick of this world. It's growing darker every year. Sorry for my comment, I was trying to be facetious. Admittedly I could of put in a little more effort into responding with advice and thoughtfulness in response to the OP's post, yet it'd be a broken record, so many others have pointed out, and really, you can't help people who don't want to be helped.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Malek said:


> Oh I agree, they SHOULD be cautious. I'm not saying their concerns don't have merit, on the contrary, were I female, I'd have the same mindset about every single male, ever. If you look at society nowadays everything is just sex, money, and fun. Instant, selfish gratification. At least in the States that is, I don't know how other places fare, yet I'm quite sick of this world. It's growing darker every year. Sorry for my comment, I was trying to be facetious. Admittedly I could of put in a little more effort into responding with advice and thoughtfulness in response to the OP's post, yet it'd be a broken record, so many others have pointed out, and really, you can't help people who don't want to be helped.


I'm glad we can agree. Honestly as much as I hate generalizing, the consequences of not being ultra cautious and expecting the worst are too damaging for me to ever just jump into bed with someone and hope they like me afterwards and don't disrespect me. Been there, done that and it doesn't end nicely for the person who actually trusts people and expects them to do the right thing.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

he still hasnt texted
and im still not over him

if hes not interested anymorewhy didnthe just tell me?
why ishe leaving me hanging like this?


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> Well how can I change that? I won't hurt him, I won't cheat, I'd treat him like an absolute king if he just gave me the chance.
> 
> I'm so goddamn depressed right now.


Sounds like obsession.

Err, that would be why he's backing off. A lot of guys are going to find this extremely disconcerting. Even sex obsessed guys are going to do their best to stay away from "crazy".


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

Sacrieur said:


> Sounds like obsession.
> 
> Err, that would be why he's backing off. A lot of guys are going to find this extremely disconcerting. Even sex obsessed guys are going to do their best to stay away from "crazy".


haha :/ 
yeah that post was a little over-dramatic, its just when i fall for a guy i fall hard and he was acting interested at the start so i started having feelings for him.

I doubt he thinks im crazy, hes said to me many times he likes how im so "chilled out".

It just sucks that he showed feelings back and then all of a sudden stopped contact


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

I'd say he's at least seeing other women for sure.

Do you also know for sure he split with his ex or isn't living with someone else? Not coming over when he had the chance makes me wonder.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

caveman8 said:


> I'd say he's at least seeing other women for sure.
> 
> Do you also know for sure he split with his ex or isn't living with someone else? Not coming over when he had the chance makes me wonder.


yeah hes probably seeing someone else, someone better...makes me feel like im not good enough 

yeah hes split from his ex they live 2hrs away from each other...


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## eveningbat (Jan 21, 2013)

sleepforeverandever said:


> yeah hes probably seeing someone else, someone better...makes me feel like im not good enough
> 
> yeah hes split from his ex they live 2hrs away from each other...


If he is seeing someone else it doesn't mean it is someone better. He may be unreliable. But that doesn't mean that you are unworthy.


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## ak3891 (May 15, 2012)

Lipizzan said:


> yep, you do. it's the only way you'll really know right off the bat. you don't want to go through all the waiting and hooking up, only to find out the hard way that he doesn't want anything more. it's sad and feels bad.
> Hopefully he does want more though  that'd be great.


I agree with this. If you ask straight up you'll get a straight answer. That's how guys work, we don't intend to complicate things like girls.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Emerald said:


> OP a good rule of thumb is to expect the worst when it comes to guys, while still hoping for the best. Like someone said they only want sex and if they don't get it they move on. Sadly, most guys think this way.


There's some truth in that. The same also applies to women.


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## sleepforeverandever (Mar 18, 2013)

still no contact
i've been thinking about him less and less which is good I guess? (lol that rhymed)

but when I do think about him it hurts and i just wonder what could have been? taking his looks out of the equation i think we would have had a lot of fun together personality wise :/


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## lava (Jun 13, 2013)

For guys and girls, there's really no difference:

Ask the question straight up and look at them in the eye. Study their reaction/body language and time it takes them to give a straight answer. Then follow your gut instinct.

I wish I followed mine.


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