# decided to stop blaming myself today



## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

I finally decided to stop blaming myself for things. I've been thinking blaming yourself is a form of beating yourself you for something which is something else I want to stop doing along with criticizing or putting down myself. All of those things I mentioned are things that are kind of ingrained in me. I'm not sure how it started, but I've been working on it for a few years, and I'm not sure how easy it is to reduce it. 

Well, I think I blame myself a lot. I blame myself when I can't interact calmly in social situations. I blame myself when I can't make eye contact with others. I blame myself when I make others uncomfortable or when I feel like a burden in social situations. I blame myself for not being to handle situations better. I blame myself for not being able to do things I can't do. Well, it's not like I do it on purpose or wanted it to happen! But I still usually blamed myself for screwing a good thing up ..

Well, I decided to STOP blaming myself, and I think I do blame myself a lot. I want to see how long I can stop doing it for, and hopefully forever if I could. I realize now that when I blame myself, I just get more and more down about myself. I feel really worthless and empty, like I'm not capable of doing anything though most people probably think I'm very capable and valuable. My feelings of anxiety grow even stronger because my energy dwindles when I beat myself up. I get more nervous and exhibit more anxious behaviors and feelings. I feel even worse because I'm anxious again which makes it harder to react calmly in social interactions. Then I get frustrated with myself because I can't be calm in social situations. I have even more difficulty with eye contact and this frustrates me, adding frustration to my mix of feelings. 

I tried to consciously stop blaming myself, and suddenly some of the weight I put on myself lifted. Yes, I had a bad day where I felt like a complete fool, but I'm not going to blame myself. Usually when I had a rough time in social situations, I develop this extra desire to do even better next time. This makes things worse becuase I become more anxious and have higher expectations. But when I stopped blaming myself, it's like I could let go of all of my bad negative experiences and just let myself start fresh and try again next time.

Can anyone relate to this at all? Has anyone been good about overcoming self-judgement or self-blame and gaining self-acceptance? Does anyone blame themselves or learned how to stop?


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## aloneinthisworld (Oct 20, 2005)

Hi seagreen16, I can relate to what your saying and I've learned to stop blaming myself too. It took quite some time, but I got there. And its taught me that you cant have control over everything in life...what will be, will be. I'm glad you've decided to stop blaming yourself (welcome to the club)  .


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## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

thanks, aloneinthisworld, for you encouragement and understanding. did you have a moment when you decided to stop blaming yourself like I did? what other things are you doing to overcome your anxiety?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Way to go (or STOP?? :con), Seagreen16! :lol
:boogie :boogie :boogie


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## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

GermanHermit said:


> That is good!
> Don't blame yourself for things that are not your fault!!!


that's true. I didn't blame myself directly, but when I really examined my thoughts and feelings, they are blaming myself. I guess it's the same for everyone. Noone really wants to hurt themselves or put down themselves, but somehow it happens by itself.

Also, I think the blaming kind of happens because you feel bad about things not going the way you want them to. You want people to like you, but it never really is that easy. Then it keeps happening again and again, and you feel that you are doing something wrong. You feel guilty and feel down on yourself. You see other people don't have the same thing, so you end up feeling bad and rotten about yourself. Then you start to get down on yourself, get mad at yourself, and then blame yourself.

I decided to stop blaming myself, but how do you stop feeling guilty about having a hard time in relationships or doing something to cause people to turn away from you? I guess I kind of answered my own question when writing this. I guess you should just stop feeling guilty because you aren't doing it on purpose, and you are just being you. You are just being you, and this you just doesn't along easily with others. Maybe just be matter-of-fact about it. You have difficulties, and this is why people turn away from you. It isn't because of anything "personal" about you except that you have difficulties.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

I think you're on the right track with acceptance. Blaming yourself doesn't do any good since everything your life is your own responsibility. Just accept things as they are at this point in time. But that doesn't mean you can't make changes.

I think the trick to having good relationships with other people is having a good relationship with yourself. The harder you try to get people to like you, the less likely they will. But if you can develop a good relationship with yourself, people will be drawn to you.

Of course, this is all theory. I don't have good relationships with people either... but I'm working on it.


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## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

the_bull, thanks for the encouragement . I've heard the same thing about needing to have a good relationship with yourself in order to have a good relationship with others. I'm working on the good relationship with myself by stopping my inner criticisms, accepting myself and my qualities, stop comparing myself with others to make myself feel bad, learning to stop taking things personally, and thinking positive about myself. It is a lot of hard work, and sometimes I can't tell if I am helping myself or just driving myself crazy for no good reason :b . Journalling really helps me keep track of my progress. I think the more I worry about this problem, the worse I will feel it the next day.


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## aloneinthisworld (Oct 20, 2005)

seagreen16 said:


> thanks, aloneinthisworld, for you encouragement and understanding. did you have a moment when you decided to stop blaming yourself like I did? what other things are you doing to overcome your anxiety?


I can remember thinking that I'm only human and humans make mistakes all the time, so why am I being sorry for even existing?

I'm going out more (well, trying to).


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## perfectlycalm (Nov 15, 2005)

When I cut down blaming myself it helped a lot and took some pressure off. Here's what I believe about blaming yourself: in a way the only thing that you have to be guilty for is allowing the blaming to continue, but I purposely tell myself that I don't have to blame myself. I purposely say it in my mind that I have permission to not feel guilty or feel anxiety. I tell myself that I don't have to feel panic when I am panicking because I think that it has become so automatic that you can forget that you are in control or can be in control. I say it without expecting it to just take away my anxiety in an instant but it does help me to relax more, and shows me that I am different than I used to be.

I'm glad to hear you have decided to treat yourself better, it's an important step, and it will help


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## BlackDog (Nov 11, 2005)

Good to stop blaming yourself.

I think that my anxiety has a dreadful circular quality: I have anxiety and blame myself for it because it feels like a weakness, then I make bad decisions and become more anxious and blame myself more, and--

You see where this is going.

It's hard not to blame oneself, but probably beneficial?


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## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

BlackDog said:


> Good to stop blaming yourself.
> 
> I think that my anxiety has a dreadful circular quality: I have anxiety and blame myself for it because it feels like a weakness, then I make bad decisions and become more anxious and blame myself more, and--
> 
> ...


yeah, you are probably right about the circular quality thing, but I don't get the last part about it probably being beneficial???


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## BlackDog (Nov 11, 2005)

Sorry. I was tired when I wrote that. 

I meant STOPPING is beneficial.


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## BlackDog (Nov 11, 2005)

Do you find, too, that SA makes you particularly unforgiving? I find I have a hard time forgiving people I feel have slighted me. I think it's an aspect of the perverse search for control with which SA leaves me.

And, of course, each time I stumble I have the hardest time forgiving myself.


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

Not blaming myself was really important and part of it was letting go of my perfectionism, someone in this thread of posts mentioned about being human, for me this was an important part of it, I can't be perfect, I'm human, I am a "work in progress", this is a accepting place to come from and when I'm in it I am much less likely to blame myself for not being some fantasy perfect behaving perfect person....

John H


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## BlackDog (Nov 11, 2005)

Well said.

It's scary the ubiquity of perfectionism and anxiety going so hand in hand.

Or not scary.

But they do.


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## seagreen16 (Sep 24, 2005)

John H said:


> Not blaming myself was really important and part of it was letting go of my perfectionism, someone in this thread of posts mentioned about being human, for me this was an important part of it, I can't be perfect, I'm human, I am a "work in progress", this is a accepting place to come from and when I'm in it I am much less likely to blame myself for not being some fantasy perfect behaving perfect person....
> 
> John H


Thanks, John H. I'm still learning to stop trying to be this fantasy perfect behaving perfect person . It's like I realize it, and then I relapse into thinking I need to be this or that to be okay. I guess I still am learning how to be myself, it sounds so simple and stupid and obvious, but has taken my 20+ years to get this point. it's kind of sad.


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

SeaGreen16

I agree that it is kind of a sad but not as sad as if you were not working on these things, I respect you for working on these things!!!!!

John H


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