# Overcoming Self-Conciousness and Becoming Confident



## elmandelafoto (Jan 28, 2012)

Since i've read so much on the subject, i consider myself to be somewhat an expert in the matter of becoming self-confident and self-assured.. I still look around the internet for the answer "to self-confidence", having read all the links, and actually knowing the answer myself better than any info out there, through research and experience...

Anyway, here's my rant on becoming self-confident....

Self confidence is a feeling, anybody feel it, in reality, we have all been self-confident in our lives at many times.. Most of us were pretty out going as kids, we didn't worry or obsess with other peoples' opinions, in reality, inspite what are negative irrational thoughts tell us, nothing can ever change the fact, that if we practice, and practice and become disciplined we can change into confident beings and become comfortable around people...

It just takes practice, which means slowly breaking your comfort zone.. I recommend, anxiety ladders, they are truely effective.. I made mine a few weeks ago, and discussed it with a mate that knows i have a mild to small Social Anxiety and stuff... My first step was calling people over the phone.. Done, Second step was going to groceries store and talking to clerks, done, third was going to other stores and talking to clerks, doneso.. fourth step was such and such, and so on so forth... I made my ladder or hierarchy systematically, facing the smaller fear first, and then moving up to more fearfull situations the last situations being talking to fine girls and going to clubs and bars and chilling with people!! "Systematic desentization"... You get the concept...

Overcoming social anxiety, is just one of the many battles you'll have in your life, and compared to other things, in reality its one of the easier battles... 

You know how i've seen people boost most their confidence? Doing stuff in public.. Where i live there are dances every year, like coreography where everybody participates... I've seen shy kids get a hard role, infront of a bunch of drunk old people and hundreds of people, being scared and leaving with beast-like-winning-confidence...

Its just a matter of putting yourself out there and recovering your normal confidence to normality..

Maybe chill with people you consider "dumber, or more nerds" to recover confidence.. Do stuff, feel good about what you do,make plans go to places, act as if you didn't have anxiety and you wont for much longer... Realize anxiety and self-conciousness is uncomfortable but it wont harm you.. Do ****, don't sit on your ***, be productive, work hard, get busy, challlenge yourself in school, sports, in hella things, get busy and forget about your worries, they go away alone because they are "irrational and obsessive"... see if you where worrying about a cancer, it wont go away unfortunately if you ignore it, but anxieties and worries do go away if you ignore them, like all your worries do fade because they are all lies like ... "i can't socialize because, other people are way more interesting than me" ... yeah, we believe irrational bs like that, and brainwash ourself with it... simply, **** it, go out, have fun, do stuff, join teams, grind and hustle your way to the top, chill with the best and their confidence will stick...take risks, fall down and get back up...

thats pretty much all i got... on overcoming selfconciousness..

kinda get social and talkative and let the momentum rollercoaster keep increasing and snowballing till you are huge.. do things that you consider big socially... for example.. talk to a hot babe and ask for her number.... if you'd see someone else doing it, you'd be admiring him/her like wow he has a lot of confidence, well do things that you consider a true pro socially would do... fconfidence is actually deep down just proving to yourself what you are worth, and after we have left the nerves and the anxiety aside we are truely able to do anything socially and once you do things socially you consider big and do well in them is when you become confident....

anotther example... 

im scared of hanging out with the cool group of gals and guys.. but my friend invites me to the beach the whole weekend with those people.. i can make up and excuse, or i can go, chill with them, hang out with them, make it through the weekend and prove to myself that i can do this **** too, getting success in doing something i considered scary and therefor proving to myself and my belief system that i can do this ****... eventhough people tell you, man you can do it, relax, the only way you will ever believe it is when you have done it... you basically gotta grind like a soldier, till you FEEL and BELIEVE that you are a TRUE MVP..... every confident person or most of them where once scared but grinded and overcame, proved to thereselves THAT AINT **** and became confident...

so to overcome anxiety, make a ladder, organize from fear 1 to 10 situations and start exposing yourself gradually to each fear... once you get to 5-6 your anxiety has greatly diminished... when you get to 8 or 9 your feeling huge, and when you succeed at number 10 what other people think simply doesn't matter because you KNOW you are VALUABLE despite ANYTHING... you conquered what you thought was impossible and DESTROYED all the IRRATIONAL HORSECRAP that told you you couldn't socialize "because you wre too stupid" or some**** like that...... 

its truely facing fears so comeon guys...

lets GET IT......

have you ever seen a socially anxious porn star?
have you ever seen a self-concious football coach?

it is all just momentum, and proving to yourself that you can do it all...
its very awesome how confidence from the previous step in your ladder, snowballs and gives you the boost for your next step, and so on... when you are at step 10, and you are being social and succesfull around the people YOU CONSIDERED AND VIEWED AS POPULAR, CONFIDENT, SUCCESFUL AND OUTGOING you will have an unsheakeable internal feeling of certainty that has a lot of potential of becoming PERMANENT

get off your asses and start working towards your goal.. no one is gonna get it for you, and if it were easy to get, it would probably suck, anything worth having, has to be worked for!!

cheers


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## King Moonracer (Oct 12, 2010)

EXPOSURE THERAPY....thats what its all about. Ive cured my depression. I should work on this....It just ****in sucks when you live in the middle of ****in nowhere...if i could just walk to a store or restaurant, let alone a club, id go for it.


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## Tyler Bro (Apr 27, 2012)

I read all of this and the ladder thing seems good... But you left no information about medication which I think should be in here because SA has physical symptoms for me and I think it becomes impossible at times to do things. :/

But good overall.


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## elmandelafoto (Jan 28, 2012)

thanks for the quick replys guys!! yeah well i don't know so much about the physical symtpoms, all i get is negative obsessive thoughts, and i think the cognitive therapy is enough to stop them for me......

and once the cognitive part is much better, then you can move to exposure, which can raise your confidence tremendously.. man... and if you faill, try again, you have the rest of your life haha.. !! confidence is just uncovering the "beast inside the closet" by taking risks and exposing yourself, and discovering that the "beast" is just a tiny harmless mouse... expose your *** systematically!! when you accomplished what you thought was very hard or nearly impossible you will be like holy **** what the **** did i just do, I KNEW IT I AM AWESOME AND I HAVE BELIEVED IT ALL ALONG, but now you will have certainty of it.. come on guys, try? its worth it in it?

another thing..

don't take yourself seriously..really, laugh about yourself, the mistakes you do and how insanely stupid your mistakes are.. laugh it off...
"the moment you stop making fun of yourself, is when others start doing so for you"
"if being sane is thinking that theres something wrong in being different, i rather be completly mental" 
" i feel sorry for people that take thereselves and everything way to seriously"

these quotes and attitudes, can help you loosen up and relax.. in reality a confident person can laugh at their mistakes, and judge and criticize thereselves much less than an insecure person... laugh at your mistakes, make a joke about them.


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## elmandelafoto (Jan 28, 2012)

King Moonracer said:


> EXPOSURE THERAPY....thats what its all about. Ive cured my depression. I should work on this....It just ****in sucks when you live in the middle of ****in nowhere...if i could just walk to a store or restaurant, let alone a club, id go for it.


sorry for the double post, but hey man, even where you live there are ways of exposing yourself... try the mail man? and old lady in town? i don't know, the librarian? people at the mcdonalds or walmart? the thing is to somewhat, to things that can make you a little nervous, dominate them, then move to things that would make you much more nervous, dominate them, and then move on to things that make you brutally nervous.....

if you get insecure in your town then you can work on it... if you are completely comfortable around the people where you live, then yeah you gotta change locations...

theres no rule for exposure therapy, its freestyle and everybody makes their own anxiety ladder according to their anxiety and fear.... so don't make any excuses "if only there where enough people where i live" ... 50 people in your town is more than enough to work mate 

IF YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD, THEN YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR ***

if you want to feel the same, then do the same, stay the same, and get older and more stressed


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## pendingzen (Jun 10, 2012)

elmandelafoto said:


> Since i've read so much on the subject, i consider myself to be somewhat an expert in the matter of becoming self-confident and self-assured.. I still look around the internet for the answer "to self-confidence", having read all the links, and actually knowing the answer myself better than any info out there, through research and experience...
> 
> Anyway, here's my rant on becoming self-confident....
> 
> ...


Ok-so my biggest problem is sensitivity being judged harshly, rejected, insulted ect. What do you do when it actually DOES happen?How do you remain true to yourself even in spite of it all and not be held back by negative thoughts and emotions?I've tried to take small steps,and I've actually been judged /insulted ,and my emotions start to get the best of me.And what do I do if even small steps can be too overwhelming?I've asked a few people this question, and no one seems to give me an answer Except the go to a therapist crap(can't afford one).Any tips?


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## Wilbur (Jun 13, 2012)

I like your enthusiasm, OP - I'm working through a hierarchy now myself, still in the early steps though. Congrats on your accomplishments!



pendingzen said:


> Ok-so my biggest problem is sensitivity being judged harshly, rejected, insulted ect. What do you do when it actually DOES happen?How do you remain true to yourself even in spite of it all and not be held back by negative thoughts and emotions?I've tried to take small steps,and I've actually been judged /insulted ,and my emotions start to get the best of me.And what do I do if even small steps can be too overwhelming?I've asked a few people this question, and no one seems to give me an answer Except the go to a therapist crap(can't afford one).Any tips?


Yeah, this is the tougher and probably more important part, for me. In my case, there's two parts: exposing myself to new situations and people, AND working on cutting down the perceived or actual judgments I feel from others. A basic rule my T told me was, just because others may judge you negatively doesn't mean you actually are "weird, stupid, ugly" or whatever other negative thought you place on yourself. Some people will judge me positively, some negatively, and most won't even notice me in the first place to make a judgment (there's just too many damn people around!). And that's fine, because the only thoughts that can become dangerous are my own - not theirs. Unless you're hanging around Professor X.

I think the big step occurs when you can hear/sense someone judging you and you don't internalize that negativity. You just brush it off, because why are we giving any power to people we don't value anyway?


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## rajjer01 (Mar 30, 2012)

i love the idea of the ladder, I never tried something like this before but i'm gonna take a stab at it. Thanks!


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## pendingzen (Jun 10, 2012)

Wilbur said:


> I like your enthusiasm, OP - I'm working through a hierarchy now myself, still in the early steps though. Congrats on your accomplishments!
> 
> Yeah, this is the tougher and probably more important part, for me. In my case, there's two parts: exposing myself to new situations and people, AND working on cutting down the perceived or actual judgments I feel from others. A basic rule my T told me was, just because others may judge you negatively doesn't mean you actually are "weird, stupid, ugly" or whatever other negative thought you place on yourself. Some people will judge me positively, some negatively, and most won't even notice me in the first place to make a judgment (there's just too many damn people around!). And that's fine, because the only thoughts that can become dangerous are my own - not theirs. Unless you're hanging around Professor X.
> 
> I think the big step occurs when you can hear/sense someone judging you and you don't internalize that negativity. You just brush it off, because why are we giving any power to people we don't value anyway?


:lol HAAA! "Unless you're hanging around professor X."

yeah-I realized that worrying too much about what other people think is a huge problem. That's why for the past 5 years I've been working on my own ways of dealing with it- because consciously, everything you've said I already know.It's just that my subconscious mind is too damn stubborn to accept the changes.And when precious time is passing by and your only making minimum progress,you start to wonder if change will EVER come.I can't afford therapy so, everything is trial and error.:rain


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## Wilbur (Jun 13, 2012)

pendingzen said:


> It's just that my subconscious mind is too damn stubborn to accept the changes.And when precious time is passing by and your only making minimum progress,you start to wonder if change will EVER come.I can't afford therapy so, everything is trial and error.:rain


While an experienced and qualified therapist is great, don't write off working through the other resources available. Some are essentially a therapist in paper-format (CBT style). Yeah you don't get that human attention, but it beats swimming around in your own head without a more specific gameplan on how to attack certain struggles.

I'm talking like I know something but I really don't; it was almost by accident that I recently stumbled upon the whole S.A. diagnosis and how it applies to my life. It was really frustrating to accept that so many years went by without any clinicians or guardians in my life able to direct me to these specific resources. I now believe the condition I have (S.A.) is in many cases highly treatable -- and just having that knowledge in hand is a huge step towards overcoming it. In the end, the best therapist is yourself. I wish the young folks on this board could really see how fortunate and insightful they are just to be at this point of self-discovery.

So, basically, don't let that Negative Voice get the best of you - fight back!


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## pendingzen (Jun 10, 2012)

Wilbur said:


> So, basically, don't let that Negative Voice get the best of you - fight back!


That's my biggest problem...Those voices:"Yeah, that's right. When they said that negative thing about you,it was aaaaaaaall true.What's that?A negative emotion you feel?That just confirms what I just said." "When you go out, you're going to be judged so harshly,you'll never recover." "People are heartless and cold.Why don't you stay inside where it's nice and waaaarm?" "What's wrong?Did you feel embarrassment when you said hello and the person didn't respond?It must be your fault.It's a shame that all your encounters will be like this." "Uh-oh!Here comes someone else right now.Why don't you say HI?"And I'm like,"Just shut the @#$% up!!"Then I force a more positive feeling on myself and I put myself in more social situations just to show the negative voice that it can't win-But then It comes back as regret over the thing I did or should have done in the social situations.I end up taking some time off of being social to "recharge" those positive emotions that got me to at least got out,and the cycle continues.On a positive note, I'm a little bit better than I was 5 or 6 years ago.Back then, there wasn't a positive voice with a positive emotion(even though I force it on myself).It was just those damn.. negative voices!


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## Wilbur (Jun 13, 2012)

pendingzen said:


> It was just those damn.. negative voices!


I hear you on that. Glad to hear it's getting better. I know there's also some "negative voice" fighting techniques out there, and I'm sure this site has referenced a bunch that are helpful (I'm still a bit new to know). Feel free to PM me if you want a basic intro handout on voice fighting that I've found helpful.


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## elmandelafoto (Jan 28, 2012)

Yeah we all have been there.. overcoming social anxiety is basically about ridding yourself of those irrational negative thoughts that got brainwashed and accepted in our minds - and becoming confident... thats why its cognitive - behavioural .... mentally you have to "clean" your mind of those irrational false thoughts.... and behaviourally well you have to take steps and risks into becoming confident... it really does work.. we are just loosing time because nobody deserves to feel or live like this.. we weren't born with this negative, shyness, fear and phobia, we were once confident social people, just somewhere along the lines, we gave in to those fears of ours, payed to much attention and let them grow... we need to do the therapy which works like wonders, and just live a life, do good in school, in sports, socially, spiritually, etc. don't just focus on your problems, live a life and move ahead.. the more focused on external social activities and things you actually get, the least anxious you can be... 

anxiety is kind of like being trapped in your head.. but if you look at the big picture, you can notice, your trailing in life.. focus on external things, get busy, get hobbies, jobs, grades, and sports.. focus on advancing in life... in my personal case im in my head from dawn to dust even though i have improved tons, i make the mistake of making my everyday focus and goal "to beat anxiety" and i pay so much attention to something that is actually invisible and i make it bigger! sorry for the rant, i can't exlain myself better, but my point is that we should do therapy, but we should get busy with other things in life as well... i think we all have power and potential... but since we take it so seriously and try so hard to have "succesful and great" social life, is that we freaking worry and stress out so much, making our performances so pathetic.... in other words, if we stopped trying so hard, and having so much microscopic focus on the social life in general, and focused more balacendly on life, cared less about the social side, and more about ourselves, our passions, our needs, then none of us would have anxiety...


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

elmandelafoto said:


> another thing..
> 
> don't take yourself seriously..really, laugh about yourself, the mistakes you do and how insanely stupid your mistakes are.. laugh it off...
> "the moment you stop making fun of yourself, is when others start doing so for you"
> ...


Great post man!

haven't even read it all, and I'm hitting that "bookmark button" so to speak, some gems in here, especially like your attitude statements, they're similar to the ones in overcoming SA step by step, the CBT course from Dr Richards that I'm currently working through, and they really do work!!

Just curious, how long did you wallow in the mud and obsess, and spin around in your thoughts before you finally got that taking action and making a ladder was basically the main way out (apart from some CBT stuff too) ?

Also, how old are you dude?

Good stuff man, I look forward to being up there with you!! 

Cheers,

Nick


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

elmandelafoto said:


> anxiety is kind of like being trapped in your head.. ...i make the mistake of making my everyday focus and goal "to beat anxiety" and i pay so much attention to something that is actually invisible and i make it bigger!


You should start practising sense awareness daily man, that will help you get out of your head, something I'm integrating now too...

Sight
Hearing
Taste
Smell
Touch
Temperature
Kinesthetic sense

This is one of the major problems with ALL HUMANS in general, and largely why we've created so many problems for ourselves, personally AND on a MASS SCALE.

We could all do with consistent practicing of sensory awareness, in order to get out of our heads, and into the present moment.

N


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## retepe94 (Aug 15, 2012)

I know no one has posted for a long time but im gonna try and do more exposures. There isn't much point just complaining and thinking everytime about SA and how im a loner and feel that no one wants me, i'v got to put in more effort. Plus i wonder how many people sat at home complaining when the term Social anxiety wasn't invented.
However I know im gonna continue complaining about my SA.
It's not that easy to just do exposures and be comfortable around people though cause of uncontrollable thoughts and fear of judgement. But we have to try if we dont want this SA to rule our lives.

So I know one thing i need to do is stop having the mindset that people dont like me or negatively judge me, this is going to be hard.


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