# I think i discovered why I dont have friends



## 3qui1ibrium (Aug 16, 2012)

Not sure this is the right place but whatever 

I suddenly realized thia yesterday. 
Ive always thought tht other ppl were ignoring me, but now I realize it makes more sense that I am the one ingoring them. I usually look away when there are people in my class, I am bever the one to say hello, im always second to say it. 

Whenever i talk to others, its always the same generic hey whats up, almost never about something fun. Mostly about school. 

Eventhough some of the people have been in my class for years, I realize its like no one knows anything about me. Not about my interests, opinions, and such. 

Long post i know and its kind of a rant. I hope this might help someone  i also needed to write this


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## Fixfounded1994 (Feb 19, 2012)

I think I'm on the same boat as you, especially with the whole ignoring thing.

Thanks for the post :]


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

A problem I have is that I don't want to appear like I'm in need of a friend. It's a weird pride thing. I don't want to seem like I'm requesting someone's friendship because...what if they reject me. I just don't like being rejected.


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## ACCV93 (Sep 6, 2012)

AngelClare said:


> A problem I have is that I don't want to appear like I'm in need of a friend. It's a weird pride thing. I don't want to seem like I'm requesting someone's friendship because...what if they reject me. I just don't like being rejected.


That is me 100%. And I feel like if I do appear like I want to be somebody's friend, they will think I'm a creep, or unsuitable for them, or even bothering them. And OP, yeah I rarely ever initiate conversations, and I never really have anything fun to talk to about. But I'm just like that I guess...


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

This is a good realization and I had this realization yesterday.  Good job. I will try to ignore people less in the hopes of making friends.


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## Tyzar (Feb 8, 2013)

Yeah I have realized I have this issue as well. The problem for me is that I can't speak openly about my interests or carry on a conversation at all. I have a very ****ty brain that's just blank most of the time.


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## Afridi786 (Dec 29, 2012)

I think it's funny that we worry so much about how people perceive us but don't realize that worrying is actually the reason we come as awkward, rude, odd, etc. OP, I just recently came to this realization with the help of my therapist. It's really explains how some of us end up being so lonely.


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## ucmethruitall (Sep 20, 2012)

Oh revelation! I am the same way too. Especially being generic and not sharing much about myself. I had a friend of mine tell me, " you never tell me anything personal about you, but I share personal things about me with you.." the thing is i'm scared...scared that when I tell personal things to ppl they might use it against me in the future or share it with others. Im extremely private.

Much love!


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## loneranger (Dec 29, 2012)

I tend to worry about my friends. That was my reason i was driven away.


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## FerociousFleur (Oct 30, 2012)

I do the same thing! A therapist pointed it out to me a few years ago, and I've been trying to work on it ever since, but it's hard to break old habits... It IS like a lightbulb going off when you realize that you're the one creating that dynamic. The big revelation for me was that despite trying very hard to talk to people and get out of my comfort zone, I wasn't making eye contact, which made me look super rude. D'oh... :roll

I read somewhere on these forums about keeping a journal of People, Things, & Events that are funny/interesting, so you can remember stories to tell other people. Then you can have a mental summary of things you did recently that day/weekend/etc. to share with others.


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## misski (Sep 25, 2011)

Me too. I'm just too shy to say anything. I always feel like they are thinking, "What the heck is she talking about? WHY is she talking?"


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## fight2finish (Feb 24, 2013)

I remember back when I was in high school, I had a couple people say to me AFTER we got to know each other... that they're first reaction of me was that I was stuck up. I'm nothing like that at all but its amazing that thats what people perceive. My internal fear of rejection, etc produced this outward appearance of 'he's too good for anybody' or 'i don't want to talk to you'. I would love to be the person who when you first meet them, they give you a really good feeling and they have a knack for making the other person smile and feel good. Thanks for posting this because I'm gonna start working on this area of myself.


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## fight2finish (Feb 24, 2013)

It's really about putting yourself out there and then not dwelling on it when you do get rejected. Easier said than done but it's worth it.


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## Impact (Feb 27, 2013)

3qui1ibrium said:


> Not sure this is the right place but whatever
> 
> I suddenly realized thia yesterday.
> Ive always thought tht other ppl were ignoring me, but now I realize it makes more sense that I am the one ingoring them.


Spot on! Congrats!


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## AceEmoKid (Apr 27, 2012)

I have the same problem, OP. I often ignore people (although I've been long aware of this; just can't seem to break the habit), mostly in fear that they don't want to interact with me outside of the usual social nicities (i.e. just a friendly greeting, like saying hello to acknowledge the person but not really desiring further conversation). It doesn't help that I come off as very serious in public settings, like school. I never allow myself to open up and let loose because 1) I'm scared they won't like the real me and 2) I feel uncomfortable being "real" with people I don't know too intimately. 

Anyway, I will be working on this issues. I wish you luck with resolving yours as well.


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## marcv2013 (Feb 27, 2013)

I do the same thing. But some people just don't have stuff I want to talk about. Whenever I get in good with a group or something, and I start talking about philosophical, outside the box stuff, they think I'm weird or don't know how to respond.


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## HALLESMOM (Feb 1, 2013)

We feel people ignore us but it's just we always think negative about interactions and we don't disclose so they don't speak to us we can get out of this : )


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## Walking (Feb 27, 2013)

3qui1ibrium said:


> Not sure this is the right place but whatever
> 
> I suddenly realized thia yesterday.
> Ive always thought tht other ppl were ignoring me, but now I realize it makes more sense that I am the one ingoring them. I usually look away when there are people in my class, I am bever the one to say hello, im always second to say it.
> ...


Seriously try this, it's not much effort.

I don't know if this will make/break you.
Find a recording on a music player, cellphone-anywhere where there's a dictaphone.Hide it an have that conversation. I'll be doing this myself.

You'll not only hear your own voice but you'll recall what you said, with what specific topics/words you responded and HOW you said it!
There's a big difference in the feel of the conversation if you stuttered, have a monotonous voice or were extremely safe/boring.
First it's getting over the fears that you have, then learning the art of conversation. 
It's very easy to just ask a person's name, talk about the weather, how their day was (with just leaving it with the response of good,fine,not bad) and a "what's up".

Ask yourself, will you have a conversation with someone that talks like youthat would leave you wanting more?

Whether it's dating or looking for a friend or strengthening the relationship- self disclosure and similarities are necessary.


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## Whywontyoutalktome (Feb 28, 2013)

I've come to this realization also. It first hit home really well when I was taking my Interpersonal Communications class a few semesters ago. Self disclosure really is important but SO HARD! Plus it seems every time I DO disclose, it's at the wrong time which just makes it all awkward!  Either that or I end up feeling the person doesn't appreciate it as the "gift" I'm giving them (of course they have no idea how difficult it was for me to say it.) "It's like, Hey I'm letting you into my life. I don't do that often"

It also seems like some people can disclose and it's so funny so it adds to the discussion and everyone wants to be around them. Whereas I feel like everything I have to disclose has to deal with something sad/serious and who wants to bring the conversation down?


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## Towers (Mar 6, 2013)

3qui1ibrium said:


> Not sure this is the right place but whatever
> 
> I suddenly realized thia yesterday.
> Ive always thought tht other ppl were ignoring me, but now I realize it makes more sense that I am the one ingoring them. I usually look away when there are people in my class, I am bever the one to say hello, im always second to say it.
> ...


It looks like this is how it goes most of the time. We need to work on ourselves or else we can't expect others to work on themselves either. Back when I was new at that school, I realized the year was going to suck terribly unless I made some good friends. First thing I did was introduce myself to most likable dude there, and we became almost best friends during that year. Later that year too, a cute girl joined our class, and I was the first to act kind towards her and introduce myself, and we became good friends too (she actually had a crush on me, but I had to friendzone here because of my pathetic intimacy issues). I imagine I'd get a lot more friends if I had the opportunity to do this on more occasions, but I've reached the point where people my age are more interested in getting laid than finding friends so it's hard to weed out the bad.


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## Bluerocks7 (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm very familiar with people you've been around for years not knowing anything about you. I had to give a speech about myself today and I realized that I had so much I could say and it would be new infor for everyone in the room. I've been in classes with these people for 3 years. It did surprise me, though, how quickly people were gave me another chance and were willing to listen to me even though they have always known me as someone who usually doesn't start talking first.


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