# I make other people uncomfortable.



## Andy43

I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?


----------



## stars

Me too..but now i see it as "their problem". Focus on making yourself comfortable first.


----------



## cinammon

Andy43 said:


> I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?


I find that I make others uncomfortable by me being quiet. Sometimes try to talk more often. I have also found that if I am in a group of people, if one of the outgoing people leaves the group, the other person graviates toward more outgoing people because they sense my quietness. So being quiet is not attractive to other people.


----------



## monkeykoder

Truthfully it's not being quiet that makes people uncomfortable. Usually it's them sensing a need in you to have other people around. This is in general a bad thing they feel like if you need them then you're lower than them and they tend to gravitate away from you. 

I say this because it's my own experience with this phenomenon and it might not fit most of you. I do know that for me personally being happy without people tends to make other people more comfortable with me because I don't feel like I need them around to be happy. 

I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way. 

I know from certain sources that I've chased off many people because I tried too hard. Sometimes later when I'm more comfortable they actually come back other times they don't. The ones that come back once you're more comfortable are the cream of the crop of people you'll ever know keep them around.

P.S. Part of the reason you make people feel uncomfortable is the fact that you're worried about making them feel uncomfortable just knowing this can sometimes solve the problem.


----------



## kelly0205

I make people uncomfortable too. I wish people were more secure within themselves so they don't let someone "quiet" get them all worked up inside.


----------



## bsd3355

monkeykoder said:


> I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way.


I think this is somewhat true, but how do people feel nervous about something and not come off as needy? I feel this way a lot when I go out to the bar with a couple of my friends. I want to interact but a part of me doesn't want to come off as needy. I guess I may show this neediness because I am nervous? Or maybe this isn't the case at all? I feel like it is though...


----------



## monkeykoder

In part the neediness is a function of a discomfort with yourself or your anxiety. The anxiety in me definitely pushes me to acting needy I know this and I've chased a lot of people away this way. I'm still working on my trick to not putting out the needy vibe. 

Truth is I'm well more advanced with my anxiety with men than with women because I have a few really good guy friends and I don't really feel like having any more. While I have no real women friends and so I'm stuck two ways what I really want is a GF (no sex is even more frustrating after you've had some) but what I need are some female friends. That in the end I know will help me get through this if I can only convince myself to actually work towards that goal.


----------



## bsd3355

Well, I have a bit of a hard time understanding this because I want to interact and I feel as if interacting will ease the tension rather than standing there staring at each other. I can get away with not talking at work because I can act bored but if I'm put into a situation like a crowded bar where everyone is talking I just feel like I should be interacting too, so this is MAYBE where I seem needy. Like, for instance, we go out to a bar and my friends leave and I'm standing there in a sea of people all talking while I'm doing nothing; everything in my body wants to interact with people but I don't because I feel I'll come off as needy. I don't think if I approach a group of people and start up a conversation that is a needy thing, but if I linger or make everyone uncomfortable then that might be bad. W/e...


----------



## monkeykoder

I think the hardest part is figuring out what it is that YOU want to say and saying that instead of what you think they want to hear. The needy part comes from trying to impress instead of trying to interact. Again I don't know you so I can't tell if your problem is the same as mine but I've found talking for the sake of talking comes off as needy while breaking yourself into a conversation you find interesting doesn't so much.


----------



## bsd3355

monkeykoder said:


> I think the hardest part is figuring out what it is that YOU want to say and saying that instead of what you think they want to hear. The needy part comes from trying to impress instead of trying to interact. Again I don't know you so I can't tell if your problem is the same as mine but I've found talking for the sake of talking comes off as needy while breaking yourself into a conversation you find interesting doesn't so much.


Hm, yeah, that makes sense...

I generally try and get the other person talking by asking questions, etc. If I don't feel a good vibe then I'll break away. W/e, I'll be ok 

p.s. Well, I suppose needy is pushing something excessively like attention, etc. I don't feel like I do that. I think we may just be overanalyzing this stuff...


----------



## monkeykoder

All I can say is "Waiting is".


----------



## Andy43

joinmartin said:


> You've been really bothered by the "fact" that you make other people uncomfortable. Erm, with the greatest of respect, is it really a "fact"? How do you know it's a "fact"? Are you a mind reader? Don't tell me, you can sense some sort of "vibe" off people that tells you clearly that you make other people feel uncomfortable.
> 
> It's not really such a bad feeling to know that you make other people feel uncomfortable. Because you can't possibly know that you're assumption that you make other people feel uncomfortable is correct. You're a human being with the capacity to be wrong. You could be wrong about all of this. Now, you may have a belief that you're right and you do make people feel uncomfortable and, if you do, you'll spend forever defending your belief's position on all of this. You'll go on some massive search in your memories and find instances when you've made people feel uncomfortable in the past. Well, actually, you'll go through your memories, make some assumptions about past events and then assume that what you've discovered constituts evidence that you make people feel uncomfortable.
> 
> I'm not attacking you. Just challenging your assumptions and encouraging you to realise that the "fact" that you make other people uncomfortable may very well actually be an "assumption" that you make people feel uncomfortable. You don't know exactly what's going on with other people. Yes, there's intuition but that is not an exact science. You're not a mind reader and there is a very good chance that you do not make other people uncomfortable.


I agree with you very much on not making assumptions and I honestly didn't mean to say it as a fact, however it does not take mind reading abilities to be able to tell when someone is uncomfortable, and especially not from someone who is uncomfortable 90% of the time. Humans pick up on body-language and can tell when someone is uncomfortable. When you talk to someone who is normally a very social and outgoing person and who ceases up when you are around them, it's safe to assume that you are causing them to be that way.

I'm not quite sure I understand this needy talk. Why would I feel a need to have people around when they are what is causing me the anxiety? Whenever I'm in a social situation and feeling anxious, the last thing I want is more people around me. I would rather have no one around me than someone. Do I not fall into this needy category?


----------



## monkeykoder

You might not but your concern with making people feel uncomfortable says to me that you want to feel normal around people and you want them around which can come off as needy. This isn't a horrible thing if you understand the problem what's causing YOU to have issues you can solve it. Whatever vibe you're putting off is what you have to identify. I'm giving my experiences in case they can help.


----------



## shyvr6

Maybe you don't make them uncomfortable at all. It could be that since you are quiet, they just assume that you don't want to talk. They most likely don't know that you have anxiety so they are also trying to read your body language and demeanour.


----------



## bsd3355

(sorry, a bit off topic)

There is a truth to this link about group conversation (here). It has summed up my experiences and how I feel at the bar by 100%. I'm honestly curious as to what people get from this "madness"? Excitement? I've seen it before, people getting all hyped up and energized and having fun out of this chaotic rambling while I've always opted out. I find it a tad fascinating because it's so true... it makes me wonder what the heck I'm missing! I've always rejected these types of conversations...


----------



## letitrock

stars said:


> Me too..but now i see it as "their problem". Focus on making yourself comfortable first.


uggggh, I thought this just yesterday but it's just so hard when you know you're the last person that they want to run into


----------



## Social_butterfly00

I didn't read all the replies since it would take too long, so sorry if I've repeated what the others have said. So how come you feel like you make people uncomfortable? Do you mean this in the sense that you bother people or make things awkward. Using the term 'fact' is really bad. It's important that the words we use are very selective or else we internalize them and help fuel the perpetual belief that we are 'bad' people.

Also, I think you're right somewhat in that you think it may not be true. Even if it were true, you shouldn't have to change who you are and what you do. You're probably an extremely normal person. 

Try not to think about it too much because it will drag you down in the end. Sometimes I think I annoy other people, but I do not act differently than anyone else I know, so lately I just brush it off. I try to do things even though I may have certain thoughts about what I am doing and how it supposedly affects the situation I am in at the time.


----------



## Freiheit

I may or may not make people uncomfortable around me. But it mostly feels like I do. I guess I just have this image of what a "comfortable" person is supposed to look like, and if a person seems fidgety or talks a certain way to me, I get the impression that I maybe did something wrong :/


----------



## nevershore

Andy43 said:


> I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?


I work as a cashier and can tell by peoples body reaction that I make them nervous or uncomfortable. About 100 people come to my desk everyday and atleast 50 blushes/nerous talks/have shaky. It hurts me that people cant be themselves around me but are perfectly calm around my colleagues.
I have social anxiety and I feel very tense around people. When I talk it often feels forced and I almost cant truthfully laugh around others. It's like im too depressed for social small talk and get disgust by people. Therefore I guess its not so surprising that people feel like they do around me 

I'm on Zoloft (started 150mg yesterday). Surprisingly some people at work still find me interesting. For example I called a girl at work when I was drunk 20 times, and left a voice mail where I told her I was inlove with her and that I was very horny :S:S The girl told me this the day after and asked me if I wanted to meet on the spare time. The same day (saturday) another girl at work calls me and asks me the join her and her friend to a party (shes a bit drunk and jokes a bit about a threesome). I guess you could say im lucky but I dont think so. I didnt dare to accept any of this opportunities and my because of this my anxiety grows...

I have about three "happydays" a month and when I have I try to show myself in public as much as I can. Because when I have these days I feel confident and I think it's because of these days people still have hope in me.

(OK way too long but it's my first post here and I feel just like you andy! Just trying too keep this thread alive so maybe more like us can share thoughts ;D)


----------



## hopesarehigh

stop blaming yourself simpletons! you are all predicting your own future. life is a two way street. we cannot please everyone and everyone cannot please us. everyone is bound to feel uncomfortable when they encounter something/one new. (this is how we find our place).

i don't give a rats *** if i make the dumb people unconfortable in any way shape or form since if i was in their "teritory" i would feel unconfortable myself.


----------



## RIFF

I constantly feel like i make others uncomfortable all the time with my presence. my anxiety is ruining my life,i can tell that i make others uncomfortable. i think its the fact that they notice that i am uncomfortable and that in turns makes them feel awkward,i feel like everyone thinks i'm weird because of this. i always see the expression on peoples faces when they notice my body language,it makes me feel awful. it makes me want to not even leave the house. when i'm in a crowd i just avoid it by walking away,i feel that everyone is looking at me and judging me. i have had bad experiences with this in the past and it is somewhat traumatizing.


----------



## percyblueraincoat

"]I agree with you very much on not making assumptions and I honestly didn't mean to say it as a fact, however it does not take mind reading abilities to be able to tell when someone is uncomfortable, and especially not from someone who is uncomfortable 90% of the time."

So, because you feel uncomfortable a lot of the time that means you can tell when someone else feels uncomfortable because every person feels uncomfortable in exactly the same way and always show it in the same way?

" Humans pick up on body-language and can tell when someone is uncomfortable."

Well, they observe, assume, interpret, put meaning into things and that is what they pick up on. They also make the odd judgement sometimes too. If they are not concerned more with their own battles with their insecurities and demons. People are not psychic and body language is nowhere near as clear as some books and the like would suggest. Different gestures mean different things to different people. So, basically, when people "pick up" on these things, they guess. 

" When you talk to someone who is normally a very social and outgoing person and who ceases up when you are around them, it's safe to assume that you are causing them to be that way."

No it is not. How do you know that this person is "normally" a very social and outgoing person? Those are behaviours and habits. He/she is not outgoing when they are asleep. And also, even if that person is social and outgoing in the way you think they are, it is not safe to automatically assume that a difference in their behaviour when around you is automatically caused by something you are doing. That's a bit like saying that other people's motivations, intentions and actions are always cued by what you do as a person and how you are. People are going to react how they react and you have no control over that. Influence, yes. Control, no. But how another person reacts is not automatically a judgement on you. There's often a lot of pieces of the story that one is not aware of so making judgements about the negativity of the self in such situations is rash and 

Something "taught you" that you make people uncomfortable. A set of experiences which were interpreted. A different, counter set of experiences would have "taught" you a different thing about yourself. Except, none of this is lessons about yourself. You decide that for yourself. It's just people's reactions and opinions informed by and vulnerable to many, many things. Many, many, fluid things.


----------



## Will47

Andy43 said:


> I agree with you very much on not making assumptions and I honestly didn't mean to say it as a fact, however it does not take mind reading abilities to be able to tell when someone is uncomfortable, and especially not from someone who is uncomfortable 90% of the time. Humans pick up on body-language and can tell when someone is uncomfortable. When you talk to someone who is normally a very social and outgoing person and who ceases up when you are around them, it's safe to assume that you are causing them to be that way.
> 
> I'm not quite sure I understand this needy talk. Why would I feel a need to have people around when they are what is causing me the anxiety? Whenever I'm in a social situation and feeling anxious, the last thing I want is more people around me. I would rather have no one around me than someone. Do I not fall into this needy category?


You want to know how to not appear wierd to stangers? Be mysterious. Appear to be in deep thought as oppose to actively ignoring them. resting your hand in front of your mouth while staring vacantly at noone in particular can work if your not to obvious about it. Don't be too vacant, try to at least appear intelligent. Practice composure in the mirror.

When people inquire as to what your thinking just say "hmm? Oh, nothing." Don't say more than you have to. Let them fill the silence. Being mysterious requires people to reveal themselves in order to get close to you. Most people won't bother because it puts them at a disadvantage. People may tease you with a quip. "You look like your thinking, that's good!" Ussually this is not meant to be offensive but some people just arn't that funny. Other times it's meant to be insulting. The best response is always to appear slightly humoured and let them have their laugh, but don't appear to be so deep in thought that you ignore their joke and insult their intelligence. Be polite yet vague. Being mysterious means you get the intiative but it also means you get less lines. The less you say the better. Your responses should only give your listeners 90% of the answer they're looking for. Plus rather than making judgements about you based on your awkward moments, they'll judge you by what you don't say.

Words are very powerful, their influence have no boundaries, but using too many words will make your words lose worth.

The people who would bother you would be more rare than the people who would bother an anxious person. Plus they may be attracted to you and treat you nicer. Probably not though.

Be aware of other people's personal space. Alot of people's personal space is mental. Some people don't mind hugs and handshakes. Others have virtually no physical boundaries. This does not mean that you arn't trampling all over their mental personal space. Staring at someone can hurt them. Same with rasking too many questions about them. Or banaling showing interest in them. Remember that other people may appear to be attractive, confident, funny, and outgoing, but they may be "faking" it. They may be very anxious or even scared of you. Beware of people with poor self image. They come in all sizes, shapes, and colours. They may not value themselves and let you walk all over them. They may even retaliate against you when offended enough. Remember your not the only person weirding them out. Also remember not to harass twins, tourists, famous people, politicians, infamous people, blind/deaf/mute people, People who are unique. To you they are special, but to them it's normal. Respect is very important.

If you can help it, be more attractive. I realise this may be rude, but I doubt anyone's gonna say "Hey, I'm ugly, and I'm offended!". People are nicer to attractive people and meaner to unatractive people. Don't wear all one colour except maybe black. don't wear all one material, like leather or denim. Dress with class. Dress Symetrically. Be active and exercise, but way more importantly eat healthy. Do not be lazy when it comes to your food. Always make delicious AND Healthy food. Drink water. Even if it's gross to you, it's the healthiest thing you can do. Fibre fruit vegetables ok im done.

Unfortunately this may make you appear more interesting. People tend to think interesting is normal so it will be harder to offend them. Some people may also want to unravel your mystery. Try not to over-play your role, if you don't want extra attention. It's better to be the interesting guy, than the creepy guy. Or the Angry Loner. Or whatever negativity you may carry around that you may wish to shield others from. Remember the more you say, the more your gonna offend. Overplaying your role may reveal that your mystery is just a sham. Another danger is if you have a preexisting reputation as a boring person or weirdo. Or worse, Don't bother defending yourself or denying the past just move forward into the present in a new state of mind. Positivity.

Ignoring someone is insulting, so it's best to fein distraction. Having a book or music device would work well. This can be dangerous in some senarios however. Violent People tend to target distracted people, so it's best not to appear too immersed in something. And never appear oblivious to your surrounding. Don't show off any luxuries either, everyone gets jealous, even the violent types.

Be alert! Maintain Confidence! Or at least fake it. Walk with power. I know you don't want to have to deal with strangers, but we're here. You don't know us and we don't know you. Fear is natural. I'm not asking you to control your emotions. I'm asking you to dampen them. Control your actions and never let people know that you are uncomfortable. Use other tactics to get them to leave you alone. Nothing is less attractive than the cold hard truth. Better to have them wonder if perhaps maybe they make you uncomfortable.

A good thing about all this is it's very hard to keep peoples interest, when you are interesting. It's easy to be forgotten in obscurity. People will move on quite quickly to the next interesting person to come by. Don't worry someone will always come by. Someone younger and smarter and more determined to be popular will show up and gladly take away all your pressure. It's really a waiting game where you have to appeal to the tastes of others until you can get away from them. However a reputation for being anxious and unlikable and snobby is very hard to get rid of. It will take more and more work to keep from becoming infamous as a wierd person.

Changing your public image is alot of work. It often requires a life style change. I realise this is not always up for debate, I respect that. But victory loves preparation. If you care what everyone around you thinks of you, you have to be alert, mature, and always representing your best attributes. And remember your words can imprison you. It's better to have people clueless about who you are, than for them to have some stupid quote or poorly made joke that they will judge you by. Making and conforming to an acceptable image gives people something basic they can catergorize you with, while it can possibly make you memorable it will be easier to be forgotton beccause being popular takes work. Same with keeping people's attention.


----------



## guitarmatt

RIFF said:


> I constantly feel like i make others uncomfortable all the time with my presence. my anxiety is ruining my life,i can tell that i make others uncomfortable. i think its the fact that they notice that i am uncomfortable and that in turns makes them feel awkward,i feel like everyone thinks i'm weird because of this. i always see the expression on peoples faces when they notice my body language,it makes me feel awful. it makes me want to not even leave the house. when i'm in a crowd i just avoid it by walking away,i feel that everyone is looking at me and judging me. i have had bad experiences with this in the past and it is somewhat traumatizing.


Sorry to bring up an old thread but i relate to what youre saying 100%. Honestly this sounds like i wrote this, i was surprised to see it wasn't my username in the corner. This is one of the worst parts about my anxiety. I thought i was the only one anxious enough to actually make others nervous. I am relieved i am not alone, but i know how hard it is. It makes me feel so awful. I know how it feels.

To the people saying its our assumption we make others nervous, i dont think you guys have our level of anxiety. Its the the level of anxiety where you see anxious reactions of people who werent anxious before they talked to you. know very well that other humans are certainly capable of both seeing me as a pinicked, anxious person and reacting to it.
g it. For example- if someone was having a panic attack, wouldnt you be nervous for them? Its human to be able to pivk up on others emotions, whether it be through body language, your expression on your face, etc. 
Someone like me who is so anxious their expression and body language is so strong it shows how high my anxiety is. This will most likely make others uncomfortable, visably, not in our imagination.

We're not imagining the look of anxiety in people who are normally never anxious.


----------



## BKrakow

ugh, I make everything so uncomfortable and awkward and I sometimes really hate myself for it. I've been beating myself up all day because I had an awkward conversation with my brothers last night and I could hear in their voices that I was making them so uncomfortable and that they just wanted the conversation to end. man, I'm even socially inept with my own brothers, my best friends who understand me better than anyone else...:|


----------



## guitarmatt

BKrakow said:


> ugh, I make everything so uncomfortable and awkward and I sometimes really hate myself for it. I've been beating myself up all day because I had an awkward conversation with my brothers last night and I could hear in their voices that I was making them so uncomfortable and that they just wanted the conversation to end. man, I'm even socially inept with my own brothers, my best friends who understand me better than anyone else...:|


Im sorry. I know how you feel. Its gut wrenching for me. I get the same way around my own damn family. Its the first time ive heard someone say what i struggle with- i hear it in their voices. Its what bothers me most, being anxious and then knowing i make even my immediate family members anxious.

Its hell. Im sorry


----------



## BKrakow

guitarmatt said:


> Im sorry. I know how you feel. Its gut wrenching for me. I get the same way around my own damn family. Its the first time ive heard someone say what i struggle with- i hear it in their voices. Its what bothers me most, being anxious and then knowing i make even my immediate family members anxious.
> 
> Its hell. Im sorry


thanks man. it does suck. but one thing that comforts me (and hopefully you too) is knowing that family is pretty much always going to love you and be there for you. they're not going to write you off just because you're a little awkward or whatever, like other people might. plus our anxiety probably causes us to build these awkward moments up in our minds and make them seem worse than they actually were. I saw my brothers a few days after this incident and everything was totally fine. so even though it was awkward at the time, they forgot about it quickly. most people really don't remember or care about these uncomfortable moments as much as we do. try and keep that in mind next time you feel this way...I'm going to try and do the same.


----------



## itcybitcyspider

did anyone of u get the medical help ?did u ever take this complain to a doctor n find out what they say abt it n whats the diagnosis?


----------



## Sierpinski

I make people uncomfortable, and I have no idea what to do about it. Today, I turn 48. It would have been better if I had never been born.


----------



## Sierpinski

itcybitcyspider said:


> did anyone of u get the medical help ?did u ever take this complain to a doctor n find out what they say abt it n whats the diagnosis?


I have a long list of diagnoses, one of which was utterly bizarre. Mental health professionals will often contradict one another: "You have Asperger syndrome." "You definitely do not have Asperger syndrome." "You are schizoid." "You are not schizoid." And it's not like I'm a chameleon who morphs between seeing different professionals. They obviously don't know what they're talking about.


----------



## Sierpinski

guitarmatt said:


> Sorry to bring up an old thread but i relate to what youre saying 100%. Honestly this sounds like i wrote this, i was surprised to see it wasn't my username in the corner.


I had the same reaction to this thread.


----------



## wanttobecomplete

cinammon said:


> I find that I make others uncomfortable by me being quiet. Sometimes try to talk more often. I have also found that if I am in a group of people, if one of the outgoing people leaves the group, the other person graviates toward more outgoing people because they sense my quietness. So being quiet is not attractive to other people.


I read that: in conversation it is our own responsibility to start conversation when the room is silent or awkward. I find that my conversation makes it even worse at times. I've had a boss say to me that I make him feel uncomfortable because I didn't have conversation with hims when he come into the office. Sure I would say the Hello, how are things? I tried to talk about subjects that I felt appropriate until I ran out then the silence became so awkward I could think of anything to talk about. I guess I need to have more interesting thing in my conversational arsenal that I might not find interesting, but it will bring confidence at least to pass the time.


----------



## bennyboy92

I creep girls out...


----------



## meedo

If you make them uncomfortable .. its their problem.


----------



## Cipher

I have this problem too. Not with everyone, but some people act like they're uncomfortable around me and talk with me differently than they would with other people. I don't know what I'm doing to make them uncomfortable because other people talk with me normally. I talked to one of my academic advisors about this once and she said that it's their problem and not mine and I shouldn't feel self-conscious about it. Still makes me anxious to talk with people who are uncomfortable around me though.


----------



## howard26

This has been bothering me lately. I can feel it when people are uncomfortable, and i make an effort to stay calm, but they can tell i'm nervous. Today, i was antsy when i went to pick up something i ordered at home depot. I think i asked her if they could fit it in a buggy, and if it was in the back. I wasn't sure if she was finished with me, so i asked "is that it?" She said "stop being so nervous, now go stand over there if it makes you feel better". I'd like to think that there wouldn't have been a problem if there was a different person at the counter. I wanted to tell her that she doesn't know me well enough to talk to me like that. It's upsetting, because it's not my intention to piss anyone off, but i always manage to do it.


----------



## hopeless93

I make everyone, including my own family members feel uncomfortable, and it is sad. I wonder how people perceive me.


----------



## Cherry Quartz

cinammon said:


> I find that I make others uncomfortable by me being quiet. Sometimes try to talk more often. I have also found that if I am in a group of people, if one of the outgoing people leaves the group, the other person graviates toward more outgoing people because they sense my quietness. So being quiet is not attractive to other people.


This is exactly me! If I'm not feeling anxiety with someone, I'm quiet anyways and don't know what to say, so I make it awkward for the other person unintentionally. )= It makes me feel bad. It doesn't help that I can't really relate well to most people, either. My interests are different and I kind of live under a rock. That makes it really difficult to carry on a conversation with someone.


----------



## sporteous

Ok so how do we change our beliefs? How do I or you go from believing "I'm not as good as this or that person" to believing "I'm good just as I am" and all the rest that comes with each? It's a complete 180, to go from one end to the other seems really hard, impossible at times and possible in others.


----------



## michijo

This happened to me during my twenties, that I would still become like a black hole and could suck the entire energy out of a room with my continuous panicky state. More and more I feel completely dead though, as if something inside has died and the emptiness of objective space is before me. I amble through life socializing when necessary in a vaguely lackadaisical way. I feel like I am headed toward a zen beyond social fears. I still cling to the idea of having an earthly girlfriend. I could not take the vows to become a Buddhist monk because of this attachment to the secular world that is unfulfilled.


----------



## prisonofmind

When I experience things like this,

In my mind I say, "Screw em. You're uncomfortable now, try living uncomfortably 24/7 365."

Again I say this in my mind, not out loud lol, but it helps quite a bit.

Honestly I would love it if I had the guts to confront people like that, you know, the ones who look at you like you're a freak of nature. They make me angry.


----------



## howard26

I really have demented thoughts about people who look at me wrong. It worries me, just a little. Dealing with that anger is a challenge sometimes. I imagine myself going back to the store and saying something like "you know what? you're a rude, inconsiderate piece of ****. You don't know who you're dealing with. You better watch your tone." 

I laughed when i read this >> "" I would still become like a black hole and could suck the entire energy out of a room with my continuous panicky state""


----------



## killingtime

Exactly right prison of mind. These kinds of people who reject someone cos they are quiet well they ain't worth knowing anyway. 

I was bad for thinking this, I guess a yr- 2 yrs ago. I went through cnt and read and amazing book called dare to connect (author: Susan Jeffers). It's my bible. It taught me that I am a worthwhile person and so many other things. If people are awkward around me now then who gives a damn, no skin off my nose. I've just moved to Ny with a company teaching Tennis. I haven't connected with any of the other coaches and feel bit left out. But you know what, I like my own company, furthermore if these ppl are my kinda ppl ( genuine, sensitive to others behaviours) then we'll get on, if not, id rather not give their dumb arse then time of day anyway.


----------



## killingtime

CBT*


----------



## Icontact

I notice when I try too hard to make "comfortable" eye contact or just sit there "normally" it makes people uncomfortable. When people start fidgeting or look at me strangely when I catch their gaze, I assume I have made them uncomfortable, because of my weird quick eye contact or nervousness. My cbt psychologist told me it is all in my head(not true just negative thoughts tricking me) but sometimes it is just so obvious the other person feels uncomfortable (it makes me feel worse sometimes to the point of a mild panic attack and needing to walk away for a bit). The trick I learnt is stop twang(rubber band) Breath, Relax, Distract(away from the negative thoughts). Sometimes it is really hard to distract myself and I cant deep breath in front of people for some reason(probably too nervous people will notice). Well I guess I just have to keep up exposure, positive thoughts, let things happen naturally and STOP "mind reading".


----------



## interest

Me too face similar experience. I am quiet but would like to know people and make friends but every time I tried to mix in a group, the people in that group would become quiet. I sense it could be so because of my existence. When I join my colleagues for lunch (they are my subordinates), they would be quiet and prefer to stare somewhere else while waiting for food. When food arrives, they will quietly eat and not utter a single word. When finished, we will just walk back together to our office. Actually, it is no difference eating alone anyway. Even when eating with peers, I have to think hard to create a conversation. It is stressful, so most of the time I would end up having meal alone. :no Sometimes, I was thinking it was so difficult to find a friend to talk to...


----------



## jarad32

monkeykoder said:


> Truthfully it's not being quiet that makes people uncomfortable. Usually it's them sensing a need in you to have other people around. This is in general a bad thing they feel like if you need them then you're lower than them and they tend to gravitate away from you.
> 
> I say this because it's my own experience with this phenomenon and it might not fit most of you. I do know that for me personally being happy without people tends to make other people more comfortable with me because I don't feel like I need them around to be happy.
> 
> I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way.
> 
> I know from certain sources that I've chased off many people because I tried too hard. Sometimes later when I'm more comfortable they actually come back other times they don't. The ones that come back once you're more comfortable are the cream of the crop of people you'll ever know keep them around.
> 
> P.S. Part of the reason you make people feel uncomfortable is the fact that you're worried about making them feel uncomfortable just knowing this can sometimes solve the problem.


I really like this post. And I totally agree


----------



## dead24

hopeless93 said:


> I make everyone, including my own family members feel uncomfortable, and it is sad. I wonder how people perceive me.


I'm the same. Its sad.


----------



## scum

monkeykoder said:


> Truthfully it's not being quiet that makes people uncomfortable. Usually it's them sensing a need in you to have other people around. This is in general a bad thing they feel like if you need them then you're lower than them and they tend to gravitate away from you.
> 
> I say this because it's my own experience with this phenomenon and it might not fit most of you. I do know that for me personally being happy without people tends to make other people more comfortable with me because I don't feel like I need them around to be happy.
> 
> I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way.
> 
> I know from certain sources that I've chased off many people because I tried too hard. Sometimes later when I'm more comfortable they actually come back other times they don't. The ones that come back once you're more comfortable are the cream of the crop of people you'll ever know keep them around.
> 
> P.S. Part of the reason you make people feel uncomfortable is the fact that you're worried about making them feel uncomfortable just knowing this can sometimes solve the problem.


simple and enlightening.


----------



## timewarped

If you're a male you have the potential to be a pedophile or rapist. So yeah, things are more difficult for you. If you speak up and try to reach out to people they will recoil with horror. If you keep yourself to yourself you become the neighborhood weirdo. Maybe try working out, doing lawn work, taking health walks. Stuff where people can see you and decide if you're just a regular guy who happens to be quiet, or some creepy weirdo to be avoided.


----------



## opencurtin

bwidger85 said:


> Hm, yeah, that makes sense...
> 
> I generally try and get the other person talking by asking questions, etc. If I don't feel a good vibe then I'll break away. W/e, I'll be ok
> 
> p.s. Well, I suppose needy is pushing something excessively like attention, etc. I don't feel like I do that. I think we may just be overanalyzing this stuff...[/QUOTE
> My problem is when im in a new group Im afraid of been boring so then I start to talk and then I start waffel all sorts of crap and I just embarrass my self I can see people looking at me sort saying to them selves who's this weirdo and after awhile they drift off usually I can only cope by drinking and even then ILL get worse maybe insulting people by saying sarcastic things , then when I see them when im sober i feel like a tit , god definitely forgot me when it came to giving out social graces .


----------



## opencurtin

interest said:


> Me too face similar experience. I am quiet but would like to know people and make friends but every time I tried to mix in a group, the people in that group would become quiet. I sense it could be so because of my existence. When I join my colleagues for lunch (they are my subordinates), they would be quiet and prefer to stare somewhere else while waiting for food. When food arrives, they will quietly eat and not utter a single word. When finished, we will just walk back together to our office. Actually, it is no difference eating alone anyway. Even when eating with peers, I have to think hard to create a conversation. It is stressful, so most of the time I would end up having meal alone. :no Sometimes, I was thinking it was so difficult to find a friend to talk to...


You're not alone I feel your pain.


----------



## opencurtin

BKrakow said:


> thanks man. it does suck. but one thing that comforts me (and hopefully you too) is knowing that family is pretty much always going to love you and be there for you. they're not going to write you off just because you're a little awkward or whatever, like other people might. plus our anxiety probably causes us to build these awkward moments up in our minds and make them seem worse than they actually were. I saw my brothers a few days after this incident and everything was totally fine. so even though it was awkward at the time, they forgot about it quickly. most people really don't remember or care about these uncomfortable moments as much as we do. try and keep that in mind next time you feel this way...I'm going to try and do the same.


Its all down to the amygdala an amonld shaped part of the brain that controls fight or flight this part of the brain in SA suffers is misfiring and giving of anxiety all the time , it has to be retrained to stop raring up in Social situations , Id read up on it , its worth a look,


----------



## 4everyoung

My brain just doesn't process things like others do. I'm always about half a beat behind. When people are talking I'm still processing their previous sentence. When someone says something funny, I almost always miss the final word or two and never laugh while everyone else in the room breaks out in laughter all at once. My hearing is kind of poor, so that contributes but it's more than that. I probably have more internal dialog going on that most people which makes me a poor listener. Anyway, I've sort of stopped fighting it. I do try to listen more actively and have developed better empathy but it's a struggle.


----------



## freshjive

Andy43 said:


> I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?


lol. Checking in because I make people uncomfortable too.

It's not the end of the world. I don't make everybody uncomfortable so I'm okay with it. Everybody makes somebody uncomfortable. I wouldn't dwell on it. Some people are born with the ability to make other's feel really comfortable while people like us it just isn't the case.

I don't worry about it too much though. I'm nice to people and if I sense that they feel uncomfortable then I let them do the talking instead of imposing myself. At the end of the day I know I was nice and tried my best.

Why dwell on things that have already passed?


----------



## AnthonyC

I def make people uncomfortable and it def make me very uncomfortable.
Have you ever had 3 people talking and the 1 who talks the most goes and u 
asking in your mind like wtf are you going or even in a group and everyone is quite after he left.I am like thinking can anyone please say something it 
could be the same for other people the silence makes them look like me.

When i talk to a guy sometimes im ok then his girlfriend comes and then i'm so nervous and uncomfortable and he notices it.
People don't talk to me in a group i think its cause they know i only answer
them and dont talk back to them THAT i think makes them so uncomfortable


----------



## 4everyoung

I've stopped taking responsibility for breaking silences when i'm in a group. For example if I'm having lunch with a group of people and the conversation dies I stop being the one who has to get-it started again - which often used to be by making some half off the wall remark that made everyone even more uncomfortable. These days I just breathe with the silence and let someone else pick it up. Quite a few times interesting things to say will come to mind when I'm not trying so hard. I stop telling myself that I'm the one who caused the silence. It's not a perfect system and I still feel that conversation stops sometimes when I try to join in but then I try to just say hi and maybe ask a question. This is sometimes where I really have to sitwith the uncomfortable feelings and just see what happens. Usually I don't die.. I like what was said earlier that if I make an effort to talk with someone and get nothing in response I just move on.. Of course this isn't an acceptable strategy if I've just sat down with a group of people but that gets back to just sitting with the discomfort.


----------



## lockS

I wish I had some advice to give you but I also suffer from this. Today I went to the mall with two of my closer friends and they brought along two other people I know, but I'm not too close with. When I had to say something in the group I just felt super uncomfortable. There was this awkward vibe. I'm so bad at these kind of social situations.


----------



## Sunhawk

This is a problem for me too. They can tell on your face and body language how you actually feel. If you're completely relaxed and at peace with yourself, you won't make others uncomfortable either.


----------



## Mustafa

It's called mirror neurons.


----------



## SJD4

I have this same problem too. I think for me it stems from working as a cashier, and I'm always thinking how I can act to make people feel more comfortable, but then maybe I start overanalyzing it too much.
Sometimes I worry that I'm making them uncomfortable because I'm not friendly/outgoing enough. So I try to be friendly/outgoing and then if that doesn't work I feel I'm making them uncomfortable by being too friendly and that they think I'm fake. I guess it's kind of funny when I think about it.
For me I think it really stems from a fear of making others feel bad. 
Maybe the trick is to stop worrying about other's opinions so much?


----------



## Convoy22

RIFF said:


> I constantly feel like i make others uncomfortable all the time with my presence. my anxiety is ruining my life,i can tell that i make others uncomfortable. i think its the fact that they notice that i am uncomfortable and that in turns makes them feel awkward,i feel like everyone thinks i'm weird because of this. i always see the expression on peoples faces when they notice my body language,it makes me feel awful. it makes me want to not even leave the house. when i'm in a crowd i just avoid it by walking away,i feel that everyone is looking at me and judging me. i have had bad experiences with this in the past and it is somewhat traumatizing.


Thanks for posting this. Your comment sums up exactly how I feel around the majority of other people, including some of my friends. It's very frustrating.


----------



## Magpon

Ive resolved to just stop telling people about it and tackle it on my own. best they just think me a little awkward sometimes than think theres this huge thing wrong with me and make them uncomfortable.


----------



## JayneMay

If this person is banned why are they still posting??? And who the hell are you calling simpletons??? GROW UP


----------



## JayneMay

hopesarehigh said:


> stop blaming yourself simpletons! you are all predicting your own future. life is a two way street. we cannot please everyone and everyone cannot please us. everyone is bound to feel uncomfortable when they encounter something/one new. (this is how we find our place).
> 
> i don't give a rats *** if i make the dumb people unconfortable in any way shape or form since if i was in their "teritory" i would feel unconfortable myself.


If you are banned how are you still posting??? And who the hell are you calling simpletons??? Talk about ironic


----------



## mt moyt

JayneMay said:


> If you are banned how are you still posting??? And who the hell are you calling simpletons??? Talk about ironic


you are responding to a 2010 post


----------



## ShyAlphaJ

I'm sure my anxiety causes me to give off a creepy vibe (examples would be: walking to class around others or standing in a line waiting)

I've come to realize many people tend to sensesomethings not right with me, maybe not right away but eventually they can tell somethings off.

I know this just by looking how the persons actions facial expression and actions change, they start fidgeting, looking back at me nervously, watching me, etc

I wouldn't hurt a fly, I wish people could see my true self, I'm a really good guy at heart.


----------



## Itshowdk

If you're meeting them for the first time or they're unfamiliar, it is most likely that they are as nervous meeting someone new, rather than your awkwardness making them uncomfortable. Everyone gets nervous when meeting someone they're unfamiliar with. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thomasjune

"I make people feel uncomfortable."
That's pretty much the story of my life and they make me uncomfortable too. But I'm okay with that/I'm kind of used to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sassandclass

Andy43 said:


> I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?


Thank you for posting this! My father (who I'm convinced has always had and has social anxiety) has always said he makes people uncomfortable. My whole life I've heard him say that. But from an outside perspective it wasn't true. No one was uncomfortable but him!
But now, as I get older I feel that same anxiety wash over me sometimes. That fear that I make people uncomfortable. I don't know if it's a hereditary anxiety... or if it's because I heard it so much in my childhood ... 
but I've never heard anyone else say it exactly like that until I read this post. Thank you so much for sharing!

I try to remind myself of how I used to see my dad so worked up about this, but the reality from an outside perspective was so different from what he was feeling. So when I'm feeling that anxiety, that makes me stop and think "okay, this may be in my head and I'm projecting it on to others". Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. That always makes me feel a bit better about it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cool Ice Dude55

Maybe i make people uncomfortable - who knows.

Maybe the fact that i don't join in on their insipid banter and gossip makes them uncomfortable - i'll never know.

But I almost *never* feel comfortable in public. And as others in the topic have said, i need to work on making myself feel comfortable until i start worrying about other people.


----------



## masterridley

This is a nasty trick that our brain plays on us. OF COURSE they don't feel uncomfortable, unless they actually have some degree of social anxiety themselves. Remember that silence, awkwardness etc do not affect other people the same way they affect us.

There have been so many times where I've almost died due to silence between me and a coworker of mine, and then he comes by and says a joke as if it was no big deal at all. I mean, all this time I'm dying because I think I make them uncomfortable and they do not feel a thing.

Such a nasty trick.


----------

