# Long-distance crush



## spatialsound13 (Jun 15, 2020)

I can't go into _all_ of the details because of the rules, but I really feel like I need advice on this

I've been talking to someone online since last March, we met in a discord server and we've gotten fairly close. Unfortunately they live in the US and I live in the UK, but they've said they'd be happy to meet up if we're ever in the same country. In fact, they're thinking about coming over to study abroad next winter; however that's obviously dependent on the covid situation at the time, and given the distance I don't think I'd get another opportunity to see them if that falls through.

Unfortunately I think I've started crushing on them a little, and to make things worse they're actively seeking out people on tinder (and other 'dating' apps). It also feels like they're just getting sick of talking to me; I seem to be the one always messaging first and trying to keep the conversation going. It's gotten to the point where I'm physically feeling pangs of jealousy when I see their messages in the server because I feel jealous that they don't talk to me with the same enthusiasm.

I know this sounds extremely selfish, but I don't want to be feeling physically stressed about this for the next nine months minimum. Absolutely any advice would be appreciated.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Yeah all my crushes for several years now have been at least somewhat long distance (well one was in the UK where I live though. I don't think they were interested but they knew I was due to me cringly confessing that some time before we started talking regularly, and we almost met up once but it basically didn't happen because I wasn't happy with my life progress and I think they wanted to wait a little while too, it didn't get brought back up again then eventually we lost contact and I started crushing on someone else anyway.) 

It's not a good situation to be in, not sure I have any advice. You have to decide if you're still OK talking to them while they date etc. Navigating that kind of relationship is difficult too if there's little hope of you moving nearer, and then expecting commitment is probably unreasonable in that situation even if you have no interest in anyone else. I guess you could talk to them about how you feel I have a generally negative impression of that, but that's probably because of my own cringe experiences with people I wasn't that close to. If you're close it's probably OK to bring up how you feel, just don't expect anything to happen because most people aren't looking for long distance stuff.

If your impression of how they communicate with you is accurate though, it doesn't seem like they're that into you or talking to you.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Now that really is a long distance crush. I thought a couple of states would be long distance.


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## spatialsound13 (Jun 15, 2020)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Now that really is a long distance crush. I thought a couple of states would be long distance.


I mean in the current situation anyone outside my county would a 'long distance' crush tbh



Myosr said:


> (I'm assuming they don't like you back. If they do, I guess it's different).


That's the thing, there are certain _other factors_ that I didn't write about because the rules don't allow it, but the upshot is they're interested in meeting up with me in 'some capacity'. What I'm worried about is that if they're meeting other people through dating apps and such that they'll eventually lose that interest.


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

It sounds like this person is not really interested in taking things further with you unless you're both in the same area. The feelings of jealousy are normal. But my advice is to distance yourself from them so to spare these emotions. Unless they're willing to commit to you it won't ever feel good


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## D'avjo (Sep 23, 2018)

aqwsderf said:


> It sounds like this person is not really interested in taking things further with you unless you're both in the same area. The feelings of jealousy are normal. But my advice is to distance yourself from them so to spare these emotions. Unless they're willing to commit to you it won't ever feel good


Yeah, agree.

I proposed to mine, beautiful woman out in the US who posts on here at the moment, lovely hair, and her voice made me melt. Ultimately, after making me wait for up to 1 or 2 seconds, she said no to my proposal. _Staff edit_


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

D'avjo said:


> Yeah, agree.
> 
> I proposed to mine, beautiful woman out in the US who posts on here at the moment, lovely hair, and her voice made me melt. Ultimately, after making me wait for up to 1 or 2 seconds, she said no to my proposal. _Staff edit_


Lol really :laugh:


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## D'avjo (Sep 23, 2018)

aqwsderf said:


> Lol really :laugh:


Lol yeah its true, I'll have to share my £50M eurolottery winnings and sail off into the horizon in my superyacht with someone else :grin2:.

Did you get my xmas present, The Hedgehogs of England 2021 calendar ? I knew you would like it.

[Staff Edit]


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## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

I can sort of relate. Similar thing happened to me forever ago. I was 18/19 when I met him on Facebook thru a mutual friend of ours who set it up. We were the same age but he lived (still does) on the other side of the country. Didn't take long for us to actually connect and talk all the time. It was nice but we both were going through things (i.e. the recession that had just happened) and I was getting over someone while he was too. We both helped each other cope and it was great. We really connected and would talk for hours any given day. I could feel myself developing feelings and I could tell he was too. But he had a crush on a girl he knew in real life. And he was just waiting for her to come around to finally be with him. Well, within a month of him actively pursuing her she did and I got dropped like a hot potato. I was pretty hurt because at that point he was my only friend and I admired him a lot. He became really cold and callous towards the end and just wasn't the same. Years later by the time I was with my partner he apologized and said he always regretted throwing away our friendship. We don't talk but we'll see each other on Facebook. I still wonder if he ever notices whenever I'm on or notices the rare times I'll post anything. I still sometimes wonder if he feels anything when he sees me? But there's no point in talking to him. And we've both moved on.


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## D'avjo (Sep 23, 2018)

There is always the risk that you find out your long distance crush is an absolute crazed lunatic when the distance isnt so long.


(im not talking about you this time aqwsderf ha)


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

Any form of relationship that is long-distance has a risk. The quick convenience of getting to know someone from as far as across the globe along with the benefits for those who have trouble interacting in-person may seem more ideal when really it's a gloss over from what the reality might be on how all parties interpret such connections. So for the short-term it seems nice. The longer it is to realize it isn't for any reason just makes the time feel wasted and the feelings from it not worth it, to put it nicely.


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## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

D'avjo said:


> There is always the risk that you find out your long distance crush is an absolute crazed lunatic when the distance isnt so long.
> 
> (im not talking about you this time aqwsderf ha)


 I'm glad you made this clear lol


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

There's two things here:

1. Someone pulling away from you. When someone does this, and you find yourself being the one to initiate conversations first, message first, the *only* realistic chance for you to get them to be more interested, is to back off, and initiate less than them, start conversations less than them, and do the opposite of what you feel you should do. The reasons for this are many, but among them, by chasing you place them at a higher value than you, and as I have said before, who is interested in people that are lower value? - or at least, you lose interest in people who are lower value, or more available (scarcity has higher value). By initiating conversation more, by chasing, you literally place yourself below them. There are other reasons, but this is a good one. That isn't to say that backing off will for sure regain their interest, moreso that chasing will near guaranteed to lose it. You either back off, or chase more, and chasing more just lowers your value to the point of panic. If you want them to message you again, you have to let them message you first at least as much as you message them. Curiosity will get the better of them, and if it doesn't, they don't care at all.

Bob's golden rule of text-based dating he saw on the internet on a random youtube channel so it's 100% guaranteed true: Match the other person's interest, or slightly less (I actually swear by this).

2. It's too long a distance to work romantically, with a high probability. They will date, locally, and you will feel like **** when they do. Actually been there done that. _Do not put yourself through it_. Jealousy doesn't respect distance, and hurt feelings don't respect distance. If you form an attachment to someone, it's going to hurt when it gets broken. My advice, as strong as I can possibly make it, is to back off and begin doing what you need to, to find someone, in real life, who lives close to you, and not the first person that comes along (been there, done that too). Choose wisely, but you want to make a choice.

All just my opinion, naturally.


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## KILOBRAVO (Sep 17, 2011)

SplendidBob said:


> There's two things here:
> 
> 1. Someone pulling away from you. When someone does this, and you find yourself being the one to initiate conversations first, message first, the *only* realistic chance for you to get them to be more interested, is to back off, and initiate less than them, start conversations less than them, and do the opposite of what you feel you should do. The reasons for this are many, but among them, by chasing you place them at a higher value than you, and as I have said before, who is interested in people that are lower value? - or at least, you lose interest in people who are lower value, or more available (scarcity has higher value). By initiating conversation more, by chasing, you literally place yourself below them. There are other reasons, but this is a good one. That isn't to say that backing off will for sure regain their interest, moreso that chasing will near guaranteed to lose it. You either back off, or chase more, and chasing more just lowers your value to the point of panic. If you want them to message you again, you have to let them message you first at least as much as you message them. Curiosity will get the better of them, and if it doesn't, they don't care at all.
> 
> ...


Good post that was, Bobsy; especially section 2. I know what that's like. and probably a good deal of experiencing that multiple times over on the same person over an LDR that lasted 3.5 years, ( yes, you read that right) I wouldn't be surprised if I've sustained enough emotional damage/recovery that makes me say 100% never again. I've ticked that box and it was f'ing awful in the end even though it seemed great in the first year. And none of her other online/face-to-face "flings" turned out to be fruitful to her in anyway, but all it did was do a great job of driving me away.

The thing about your 1st point though, is that if they are pulling away, then I don't really think any strategy the other person can do will really help reel them back in.

The backing away is just a clear indication that they're losing interest either in the person or the situation or both. That's a grim sign if they're pulling away. Even of it's things like taking longer and longer to reply or shorter and shorter communications. Doesn't it show their true feelings now? Trying some mind games where you back off to then somehow kinda psychologically trick them to message you more again them will probably also work against you anyway. I mean, if they're losing interest, they may breathe some sigh of relief that you're backing off and now they don't have to maintain the charade that they're interested as much. Then it'll just fizzle out eventually. They might think your backing off is you losing interest in them and they might be like "meh. fine." And it might not induce them to then rekindle interest again.

You can't really trick other people into being interested in you if they're not, I don't think.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

spatialsound13 said:


> I can't go into _all_ of the details because of the rules, but I really feel like I need advice on this
> 
> I've been talking to someone online since last March, we met in a discord server and we've gotten fairly close. Unfortunately they live in the US and I live in the UK, but they've said they'd be happy to meet up if we're ever in the same country. In fact, they're thinking about coming over to study abroad next winter; however that's obviously dependent on the covid situation at the time, and given the distance I don't think I'd get another opportunity to see them if that falls through.
> 
> ...


Not to be rude here - but you're worrying _they_ might be losing interest in _you_? If they're meeting up with other people on Tinder or whatever then they aren't worth your time. Personally I think you should (very quickly) be losing interest in them.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

KILOBRAVO said:


> You can't really trick other people into being interested in you if they're not, I don't think.


This. And even if you can, it's just a trick, and will work for a very limited amount of time. Resorting to tricks to make someone like you is kinda rough on your self esteem anyway.

If the person is pulling away, I'd walk in the opposite direction and that way put distance between us even faster. Then I'd go out into the world and look for someone who is a good match in various ways, including level of interest.

I don't really think all those games - who texts first, how long you wait, etc. - bring any happiness. Live bravely, communicate honestly, find your people. Get over this roadblock of a person and be kind to yourself whilst you nurse your broken heart back to wellness : )


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

@rabidfoxes yeh, you make a good point, and I wonder if my perspective on this is compensations by me from my last relationship. Food for thought, for me.

I think for me, matching communication frequency I see as more a way of me modelling secure attachment. Which, I most certainly do not have. I have a tendency to "over chase", especially if someone pulls away, my tendency is to freak out and try to find out what's wrong, and so on. It's standard abandonment stuff, and matching frequency gives me a rough guide with which to not totally **** things up. I do wonder how far this puts me into the manipulative side of things, though. Not clear cut.

I wouldn't suggest this could reignite interest, rather, that in an individual who might not have many options, the tendency to chase can be very strong, which can ruin things and so moderating interest to match might be a good guide.

Rethinking this idea, though.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

@SplendidBob yeah, I'm talking very much from my point in life, it's not necessarily a prescription for everyone.

From what you said I don't think you're being manipulative. 'Matching' someone (texting the way they text) has different reasons than 'playing' someone (withholding texts to make them wonder).

Mirroring which is just about successful communication. If one person likes texts every hour and the other person texts every few days, they'll either find a compromise or their communication will break down. We mirror to meet someone half way.

& like you said, it can be a way to manage your behaviour. We also mirror other people's behaviour when we are in doubt as to how normal/healthy/acceptable our behaviour is, whether it's an autistic person learning how to get by in our world or a tourist trying to fit in in a foreign country.

As for actual manipulation, I don't think it's always cynical. I think those games often come from a point of insecurity, when the person doesn't believe, in their heart of hearts, that they can meet someone whom they consider totally awesome, who happens to think the same way about them. It's not entirely baseless either, there are no such guarantees in life, no matter how badly we want them. Kinda sad, eh.


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## alienjunkie (Jul 11, 2015)

i had a crush on someone that I met on here, we've lost contact and there is no way for me to reach him. that was years ago though, i still miss him. he was from the US and I am from Europe so idk how that would have worked out


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

spatialsound13 said:


> I can't go into _all_ of the details because of the rules, but I really feel like I need advice on this
> 
> I've been talking to someone online since last March, we met in a discord server and we've gotten fairly close. Unfortunately they live in the US and I live in the UK, but they've said they'd be happy to meet up if we're ever in the same country. In fact, they're thinking about coming over to study abroad next winter; however that's obviously dependent on the covid situation at the time, and given the distance I don't think I'd get another opportunity to see them if that falls through.
> 
> ...


Well hopefully you're already trying to put some perspective on this i.e. this is someone you've never met, who's on the other side of the world and so is going to have their own life. If you're anticipating long-term stress over the lack of someone's attention, that is indeed a concern.

You may want to start branching out to other friends and making new ones if you're not already pursuing this and message this person less. Obviously this is more difficult to physically meet new people, and so I guess meeting new people online would be okay.

Without myself knowing much about discord however, one thing I've felt about online friendships is that - rightly or wrongly - these are not taken as seriously and IRL friendships, and so not prioritising it is pretty common.


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