# CBT and beliefs relating fear of rejection



## david90 (Mar 21, 2004)

What are some common negative beliefs that causes an extreme fear of rejection especially from the opposite sex? I'm doing CBT and it is hard to pinpoint the belief that causes me to fear rejection from females. My emotion in this area is very automatic.

I have had luck with using CBT to improve other areas of SAD though.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

For me, it's probably:
- Perfectionism. I can't approach her before i'm fully ready.
- Fear of negative response, of course.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

For me this was a constant struggle, though in my case my fears with women were in fact part of my BPD and I am getting an alternative therapy for that. But in terms of beliefs I had that held me back with women (hold on to your hats cos this is where it gets freaky).

AS YOU READ THIS - BE AWARE THAT THESE ARE BELIEFS THAT I RECOGNISE AS DYSFUNCTIONAL. I DO NOT SUPPORT THEM - I WANT TO CHANGE THEM. If I had a choice about which beliefs I have developed as a result of the interaction between my own unique sensitivity to stressful events and the events of my life, I would not choose these. All the same, thats whats in there and I am working hard to be free of the understandably negative influence they have on my life. But I had to be honest before I could get them where I could see them - and so work to change them. Its hard to be honest about the most dark elements of your charcter, but they are often the ones that do the most damage. (I think Gerard calls them Shadow Elements - thanks Gerard  )

1. If I approach a woman, it means I am a pervert, vile, disgusting like someone who steals womens underwear or flashes.
2. If I approach a woman, she will verbally abuse me, put me down.
3. She may cause large men to attack me or hurt me. I may be 'glassed' or stabbed.
4. Showing my needs and feeling is pathetic and shameful.
5. I am vile, low, weak and pathetic and no girl will want me
6. If a girl wants me, she must be flawed and disturbed.
7. I must be perfect and make no mistakes. I must be funny, conversationally pinpoint accurate, empathic yet strong, 'the alpha male'
8. I must possess special techniques that all the 'players' have in order to get a womans approval
9. Once I have womens approval then I will finally be whole and complete
10. Love will cure all my problems
11. Sex will show I am worthy and fantastic, and others will see this and approve of me and want to be near me.
12. Women cannot be trusted and will abuse me or hurt me at some point.
13. I must be around beatoful women to show that my status has risen from vile slime to king pimp
14. If I am rejected, this is conformation that I am vile slime. It will destroy me forevermore, breaking any desire I have to try again (and be hurt) and so its better to stay quiet and secretly tell myself that I am actually a rock star hottie.
15. Other men will laugh at me and see me as a child in a mans playground. 
16. Wanting sex is an unforgivable crime committed by men against women, and all men are bastards. I do not want to be a male ******* so I must not let anyone know I want sex. Instead I shall do it cleverly and subtly so that the woman falls for me despite herself.
17. If she got to know the real me she would be repelled. I must wear a mask to hide who I really am and this mask must be perfect, a stud, a playa, a pimp, a PUA. Being natural will only see me fail at a task that must be passed with perfection ONLY.
18. If another man wants the girl I like, I must step aside. As I am vile and unworthy, I should not prevent a healthy relationship from formoing by daring to satisfy my own needs. He may attack me, or I will look conceited and arrogant and self serving if I do not step aside.

Dunno how many of those relate to you (hopefully not many). I couldnt shift them with CBT because they are part of a much deeper belief system called a schema. 

Really you need to be honest with yourself in order to identify your beliefs. "She wont like me" is a thought, not a belief. "I will be alone forever and rejection proves that" is a belief. You may also need to work through shame and guilt to get to your real beliefs.

Good luck and sorry for being very disturbing.

Ross


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## ThomP (Dec 24, 2007)

david90 said:


> What are some common negative beliefs that causes an extreme fear of rejection especially from the opposite sex?


I think the number one cause (for me at least) is my extremely low self-esteem. My subconscious mind just makes me believe that I am worthless and as such every woman I approach would hate me. If I tried, she would laugh at me.



yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> 17. If she got to know the real me she would be repelled. I must wear a mask to hide who I really am and this mask must be perfect, a stud, a playa, a pimp, a PUA. Being natural will only see me fail at a task that must be passed with perfection ONLY.


Funny you mention that. That is exactly what I found out I was thinking last year when this girl I had a crush on actually showed interest in me as well. I couldn't show my interest in her because I was feeling like "if she comes to know me, then she will learn to hate me".

- Thom


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hmm going back to this, I can see my schemas appearing here:

1. If I approach a woman, it means I am a pervert, vile, disgusting like someone who steals womens underwear or flashes. Punitiveness, defectiveness, mistrust and abuse
2. If I approach a woman, she will verbally abuse me, put me down mistrust and abuse; subjugation
3. She may cause large men to attack me or hurt me. I may be 'glassed' or stabbed vulnerability to harm; mistrust and abuse; social exclusion
4. Showing my needs and feeling is pathetic and shameful Emotional Deprivation; subjugation
5. I am vile, low, weak and pathetic and no girl will want me Punitiveness; defectiveness; abandonment
6. If a girl wants me, she must be flawed and disturbed Defectiveness
7. I must be perfect and make no mistakes. I must be funny, conversationally pinpoint accurate, empathic yet strong, 'the alpha male' Unrelenting Standards; Defectiveness
8. I must possess special techniques that all the 'players' have in order to get a womans approval Defectiveness; Unrelenting Standards; Entitlement
9. Once I have womens approval then I will finally be whole and complete Emotional deprivation; Approval / Recongition seeking; Enmeshment
10. Love will cure all my problems Dependence
11. Sex will show I am worthy and fantastic, and others will see this and approve of me and want to be near me. Approval / Recognition seeking; Emotional Deprivation
12. Women cannot be trusted and will abuse me or hurt me at some point. Mistrust and Abuse; Subjugation
13. I must be around beatiful women to show that my status has risen from vile slime to king pimp Defectiveness; Unrelenting Standards; Approval / Recognition Seeking
14. If I am rejected, this is conformation that I am vile slime. It will destroy me forevermore, breaking any desire I have to try again (and be hurt) and so its better to stay quiet and secretly tell myself that I am actually a rock star hottie Abandonment; Entitlement and Grandiosity; Defectiveness
15. Other men will laugh at me and see me as a child in a mans playground Subjugation; Vulnerability; Social Exclusion
16. Wanting sex is an unforgivable crime committed by men against women, and all men are bastards. I do not want to be a male ******* so I must not let anyone know I want sex. Instead I shall do it cleverly and subtly so that the woman falls for me despite herself Punitiveness; Defectiveness; Entitlement; Mistrust and Abuse
17. If she got to know the real me she would be repelled. I must wear a mask to hide who I really am and this mask must be perfect, a stud, a playa, a pimp, a PUA. Being natural will only see me fail at a task that must be passed with perfection ONLY Unrelenting Standards; Defectiveness
18. If another man wants the girl I like, I must step aside. As I am vile and unworthy, I should not prevent a healthy relationship from formoing by daring to satisfy my own needs. He may attack me, or I will look conceited and arrogant and self serving if I do not step aside. Subjugation; Unrelenting Standards; Mistrust and Abuse; Overcomensation for entitlement; Emotional Deprivation; Punitiveness

Hadnt seen that before. Explains why dating was the pinnacle of my anxiety ladder...

Ross


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Hmm going back to this, I can see my schemas appearing here:
> 
> 1. If I approach a woman, it means I am a pervert, vile, disgusting like someone who steals womens underwear or flashes. Punitiveness, defectiveness, mistrust and abuse
> 2. If I approach a woman, she will verbally abuse me, put me down mistrust and abuse; subjugation
> ...


Pretty much sums me up :thanks .

One thing that creates a lot of anxiety with women for me is my unrelenting sexual instinct. Like as soon as a woman talks to me I start thinking about wanting to have sex with her and tend to misinterprete her body language as attraction for me. Like one time I saw this girl looking at me (I now realize this was not because of attraction) and I misinterpreted it and I just immediately started looking her up and down like I wanted to get it on with her then and there - it was a "safe" situation so that allowed me to do it.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Ross brings a lot of knowlesdge to this board and makes me feel dumb. anyways I probably qualify at least half of the schemas,.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

TBH I only know I lot because I have literally obsessed over getting well for the last 15 years, so I'm not sure its a knowledge set you really want ... 

I have Borderline Personality Disorder so those beliefs above come from that.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> TBH I only know I lot because I have literally obsessed over getting well for the last 15 years, so I'm not sure its a knowledge set you really want ...
> 
> I have Borderline Personality Disorder so those beliefs above come from that.


well, at least youre trying to get better and having borderline or any personality disorder I heard can take many generations to overcome. I hope the schema therapy is helping you because I lost a parent who might have had the symptoms of bpd.


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## gozinsky (Mar 11, 2008)

yeah yeah yeah, wow. I have all these same things going on inside. Thanks for sharing that.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Lol greetings fellow brother pathological 

Thankfully I currently have two very special women in my life who are helping me greatly with this. One is paid to do it and one is just lovely, so I think I am getting better :yes In fact I think i will go back and see if any have shifted ... lesseee ...

1. If I approach a woman, it means I am a pervert, vile, disgusting like someone who steals womens underwear or flashes. Umm a little bit. I guess I feel that could still happen
2. If I approach a woman, she will verbally abuse me, put me down. Actually now I feel more likey that she would just sort of look away or something
3. She may cause large men to attack me or hurt me. I may be 'glassed' or stabbed.I dont think this will happen now that I have lost all my arrogant pointless overcompensations. Now I dont try to be some idiot version of myself with a cocky tood I think Im ok
4. Showing my needs and feeling is pathetic and shameful. I feel like I have a better handle on how to show interest now without being odd
5. I am vile, low, weak and pathetic and no girl will want me I feel more likeable and that girls could like me and not vile anymore, so much. Sometimes. But it wouldnt take much to bump me off into thinking that ... depends on the mode i am in.
6. If a girl wants me, she must be flawed and disturbed. I think I can spot healthier ones now
7. I must be perfect and make no mistakes. I must be funny, conversationally pinpoint accurate, empathic yet strong, 'the alpha male' alpha has gone, but I stil have a sense of needing perfection. There is pressure and I go wibbly in the head (dissociate)
8. I must possess special techniques that all the 'players' have in order to get a womans approval Actually I think I might be abe to do it under my own steam now
9. Once I have womens approval then I will finally be whole and complete The validation / understanding / compassion thing is chipping away at this. I would certainly like it, but I dont know that its the whole 3 course meal anymore
10. Love will cure all my problems Hahaha NO WAY
11. Sex will show I am worthy and fantastic, and others will see this and approve of me and want to be near me. Mehhh still there :stu
12. Women cannot be trusted and will abuse me or hurt me at some point. Definitely going now I have an understanding of what might frive that behaviour and more of what to do if it does
13. I must be around beatoful women to show that my status has risen from vile slime to king pimp mehhh .. yeah. Bit.
14. If I am rejected, this is conformation that I am vile slime. It will destroy me forevermore, breaking any desire I have to try again (and be hurt) and so its better to stay quiet and secretly tell myself that I am actually a rock star hottie. Poo. Still there.
15. Other men will laugh at me and see me as a child in a mans playground.  :cry yes
16. Wanting sex is an unforgivable crime committed by men against women, and all men are bastards. I do not want to be a male ******* so I must not let anyone know I want sex. Instead I shall do it cleverly and subtly so that the woman falls for me despite herself. Hmm I dunno actually. I think its case by case. I think wimmin like the sexies and might even want to do it with me  Some of them. The non-choosy drunk ones  
17. If she got to know the real me she would be repelled. I must wear a mask to hide who I really am and this mask must be perfect, a stud, a playa, a pimp, a PUA. Being natural will only see me fail at a task that must be passed with perfection ONLY. DEFINITELY GONE. She absolutely HAS TO ACCEPT ME for who I am and I will return the favour :yes 
18. If another man wants the girl I like, I must step aside. As I am vile and unworthy, I should not prevent a healthy relationship from formoing by daring to satisfy my own needs. He may attack me, or I will look conceited and arrogant and self serving if I do not step aside. Poo. Still there

Hmm cool there have been some shifts. I like this. I may have to write out beliefs lists more often.


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