# What Do you DO when you have SETBACKS?



## Maltaz (Nov 26, 2004)

I'm on this roller coaster ride where I'm not socially anxious, but then there's a downward curve at times, and I can't quite get myself back up. I seem to lose momentum when it comes to socializing outside of my friendship circle. (just to let you know i'm trying not to be so dependent on my family & friends to help me out socially, and I've been exposing myself to many different events on my own, with some success )

My SA is decreasing slowly, but surely. And I'm happy the way things have turned out; making new friends and hanging out with them, not avoiding people and situations, etc. But I've hit a curb somewhere, and I'm back to staying in my apartment and not wanting to socialize with anyone. I've felt this way for a week now.

Is this just a recuperation period? What do you do to regain that momentum to socialize?

:thanks


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## meggiehamilton (Nov 12, 2003)

Well what I try to do when I hit a bump in the road is to remember how far I have come. Dwell on the positives in your life instead of the negatives. Also I try to get out as much as possible because for me if I start isolating myself in the house it tends to lead to avoidance for me.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

Pick myself up, dust myself off and hit it harder than I did the first time.

Once when I was about 10 years old, someone was going to teach me how to water ski. It was someone I knew pretty well and trusted competely. At the time, I was afraid of being in water where I couldn't touch the bottom. I was a pretty good swimmer but just needed to be able to stand up. I started down the ladder into the water. When I got to the bottom I put my foot down and met nothing. I said, "There's no more ladder." They said, "That's right." I climbed back into the boat. A year later I learned to ski. I swam in the deep end of the pool. I even became a lifeguard several years later. When I was in the Navy on a submarine, we surfaced in the middle of the ocean and had a swim call. I had no problems jumping off the side of the submarine out of sight of land, in water that was a few thousand feet deep. I even swam all the way under the boat from one side to the other. 

I look at why I had a setback and then go about correcting it. Confronting whatever it was the caused the setback. It may take a long time to overcome something like SA and there are bound to be setbacks. Use small steps to make progress. Don't try to do it all at once. A steady series of small successes helps so much more than making one big attempt and failing.


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## Maltaz (Nov 26, 2004)

Thank you MeggieHamilton and Amocholes :thanks



> Confronting whatever it was the caused the setback


I'm going to try and be objective about this. I think the reason why I'm self-isolating again is because I am doubting these new friendships and I'm doubting myself. I caught myself thinking "do these new friends really like the true me?" What if they find out I have SA?

It's sooooo irrational! And the weird thing about it is that I have a good set of friends who care about me for who I am, despite my SA. Yet, when I meet new people, I often feel so insecure that they can see through my transparent social act.

I have to start rewiring my brain lol. I don't think these new friends are that judgemental and cruel. They seem really nice, and I'd hate to ruin things by reacting to my silly insecurities.

Thanks again for the feedback and also for sharing a past experience.


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## Crusader Rabbit (Aug 10, 2004)

Yep, I have to admit that recovery from SA is a drag sometimes. My councelor gave me some new "small steps" to make 1 outgoing phone call per day. I haven't managed even one in like 10 days. If you stop facing the situations, you get to start over again later. At least I know I can do it and that it is my responsibility to do it.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Maltaz said:


> Thank you MeggieHamilton and Amocholes :thanks
> It's sooooo irrational! And the weird thing about it is that I have a good set of friends who care about me for who I am, despite my SA. Yet, when I meet new people, I often feel so insecure that they can see through my transparent social act.
> 
> I have to start rewiring my brain lol. I don't think these new friends are that judgemental and cruel. They seem really nice, and I'd hate to ruin things by reacting to my silly insecurities.


One thing I learned: if you don't accomplish your goal, either check if you're doing correctly what you're supposed to be doing OR try something else.

It's kind of interesting but I think that you literally do have to rewire your brain.  If you are feeling insecure then either consciously or unconsciously created a connection/memory that in certain situations you should feel insecure. It's likely that something happened in your past that created that connection. Of course, sometimes imbalanced chemicals in the body can do some strange stuff but from my situation I know that a lot of anxiety is learned, continously reinforced and thus made more difficult to change. This article may help: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/ar ... ?artID=156

Also, accepting myself all the time (the anxieties, insecurites) the way I am has been very helpful. I've experienced many setbacks so now I know that those are just part of the solution. In those situations I keep reminding myself of how much I've managed to accomplish so far and that helps me to get through it.

Good luck!


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## Melusine (Jun 19, 2004)

Alot of times i go out i feel completely secure, but then its like i start going back into my "shell" and don't leave the house for weeks, i'm sure i'm going to get over this someday, but its a like walking up this 'slippery hill' sometimes, there's going to be some slippage before i get to the top (of recovery) if that makes any sense. Think positive thoughts and try to gain control over your thinking, anxiety is not an outside force.


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## Iwillnotlose (Jan 15, 2005)

*what i do...*

Before I tell you what I do when I face a setback, here's a little disclaimer. I am not a delusional person, I do not really believe these things, well maybe a little, but it's purely for my personal entertainment. So, when I am going through a setback where I am temporarily convinced that I am worthless or that my situation is hopeless I tell myself that it wouldn't be fair to other people if I didn't have SA. Let me explain. God saw it terribly unfair to not give me a weakness (i.e. SA) because otherwise I'd be the ultimate ladies man. The ladies wouldn't stand a chance if I didn't have these irrational thoughts keeping me from laying down some game.
:agree

Just a little something I do to make myself laugh when I'm down. I've also realized that everyone on earth has at least one problem that he/she has to overcome. It's like playing "Wheel of Fortune" before you're put on this earth and the wheel stopped at SA for me. Thing is the wheel could have stopped at a worse place, but it didn't and there's something to be thankful for.


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## PuzzledMike (Nov 30, 2004)

My SA has improved, and I am still working at it and getting better. But, like everyone else I have setbacks. 

What I do is say to myself, "So what? It didn't go so well today, but I'll do better tomorrow." 

Every day is like a new page. What seems like a big deal to you (failing to make eye contact, blushing or mumbling "hi" to someone instead of saying it clearly etc.) is totally forgotten by other people. So the next day it is easy to try again.


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## the crucible (Jan 3, 2005)

1. During a setback, I try to ask "how can this be for my good?" rather than ask "why?" This helps to give me a broader perspective on my problem(s).

2. I also try to do things that are very kind towards myself, as if I'm taking the helm, and giving to myself what I wish others would give to me. I find being EXTRA nice to myself when I'm hurting always makes healing more rapid.

3. I try to remember: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." --Robert Frost


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