# Wanting to grieve forever



## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Just over a year ago, someone close to me committed suicide. I was devastated. Now, the wound is healing, and it doesn't hurt so much. But I still want it to hurt. I wasn't as selfish when I was grieving, and the pain motivated me to reach out to other people. I know my friend wouldn't have wanted me to be in so much pain over his death, but let's face it - he's dead. I can't help but feel that what he would have wanted is irrelevant at this point.

Has anyone purposely prolonged their grief? How did you go about it?

EDIT: Oh crap. I meant to put this in secondary disorders. I fail at my first thread.


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## ghost cat (Feb 6, 2011)

Sorry to hear you lost your friend viv. I lost my best friend to suicide. It happened several years ago but sometimes it feels like only yesterday. I can relate to still wanting it to hurt. Maybe the memories and the hurt were all that I felt was left after he was gone, and that's why I used to prolong the grief. Gave me something to hold on to, you know?

You're right, you're friend would not want you to be in so much pain.


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## Medicine Man X (Feb 3, 2011)

viv said:


> Just over a year ago, someone close to me committed suicide. I was devastated. Now, the wound is healing, and it doesn't hurt so much. But I still want it to hurt. I wasn't as selfish when I was grieving, and the pain motivated me to reach out to other people. I know my friend wouldn't have wanted me to be in so much pain over his death, but let's face it - he's dead. I can't help but feel that what he would have wanted is irrelevant at this point.
> 
> Has anyone purposely prolonged their grief? How did you go about it?
> 
> EDIT: Oh crap. I meant to put this in secondary disorders. I fail at my first thread.


I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. From what you said, he must have been very special to you and you have my condolences.

I had a friend that committed suicide through by an intentional drug overdose. It has been years since it happened and i still haven't completely gotten over it. She was a very special friend. What made it worse was that the signs were there that she was slipping away into a dangerous depression, but at the time I was busy with nursing school and i did't notice them until it was too late. Her death hit me like a runaway train. And i think i purposely prolonged my grief because i felt responsible, and i tortured myself for it for years. I think it was a normal reaction that many would have, but it slowed my recovery by doing so.

Time has gone by, and i have mostly come to terms on what happened. I know it wasn't my fault as i can't predict the future, but it still stings hard every now and then.

It's like when you get cut. It will heal, but there will always be a scar. A scar to remind you.

Remember the friendship or love that you two had, like you said, he wouldn't want you to be in pain. He might be dead, but his memory lives on within your heart. Give it time and it will get better, the cut will heal, and scar.


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

Thanks for the replies, ghost cat and Medicine Man X. I'm sorry about both of your losses.



ghost cat said:


> I can relate to still wanting it to hurt. Maybe the memories and the hurt were all that I felt was left after he was gone, and that's why I used to prolong the grief. Gave me something to hold on to, you know?


I think I'm doing the same thing - holding onto the pain because it feels like it's all that's left. I'm forgetting more and more from the times we spent together, and that worries me. After he died, I wanted to write down my memories of him and maybe give a copy to his family. But I've never written anything. I don't know where to start, and maybe I'm avoiding it because it's too painful. Have you done anything to help you remember your friend?



Medicine Man X said:


> I know it wasn't my fault as i can't predict the future, but it still stings hard every now and then.


You're right - it wasn't your fault. It's good you can see that. I blamed myself at first too, but fortunately it didn't take me too long to stop believing that.



Medicine Man X said:


> It's like when you get cut. It will heal, but there will always be a scar. A scar to remind you.


I hope there's always that scar. This is a good way for me to look at it. I don't want it to heal, but at least there will be the scar. Thanks.


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## robtyl (Sep 2, 2010)

There's something self-indulgent about grieving, isn't there? I've done this myself before and I did recognise a definite feeling of satisfaction at doing so.

Don't grieve forever. It doesn't get you anywhere and is a waste of time.

The purpose of grieving is to allow the mind to adjust to a new situation that it was unprepared for. With time, ideally, the mind should adjust somewhat and it should become progressively easier to deal with.

There is nothing wrong with no longer grieving - no one would ever ask you to put your life on hold because another person has ended theirs; one life has already been lost... no need for another wasted one.

If you feel guilty, just resolve not to forget your friend. And perhaps pine for them from time to time. But I'm sure you know, deep down, that grieving won't bring them back. And grieving is not something they themselves would have wanted you to do forever.

Like you said, your friend is dead. Only you can decide when you have adjusted sufficiently to this to allow yourself to carry on with life - but don't self-indulge - it's disrespectful to the memory of your friend to grieve because of a selfish desire to hold on to something that is no longer there. 

We all have self-destructive feelings, but there comes a time for everyone where you have to rationalise at some stage and realise whether what you're doing is truly necessary, or whether it's an excuse to shy away from embracing a future where things are not as they once were. And that's the truth.

x


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## viv (Feb 8, 2009)

robtyl said:


> There's something self-indulgent about grieving, isn't there? I've done this myself before and I did recognise a definite feeling of satisfaction at doing so.


Thanks for the response, robtyl. It's good to get some outside perspective. I know a lot of my grief is self indulgent, and I guess at this point my challenge is to keep the good that has come out of my grief while letting go of the grief itself. My friend was the most selfless and caring person I have ever known, and he touched so many people. Now that he is gone, I feel like it is my responsibility to try to do at least a fraction of the good he would have done. For the first time, I feel like I have purpose in my life. I kind of felt that because this stemmed from my grief, its existence was dependent on my grief. But it doesn't have to be, does it? I need to work at keeping that motivation to reduce some of the suffering of people with mental illnesses without holding onto my grief.



robtyl said:


> The purpose of grieving is to allow the mind to adjust to a new situation that it was unprepared for. With time, ideally, the mind should adjust somewhat and it should become progressively easier to deal with.


i like this thought. Simple, but insightful.


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## robtyl (Sep 2, 2010)

viv said:


> I kind of felt that because this stemmed from my grief, its existence was dependent on my grief. But it doesn't have to be, does it?


Definitely not. Oftentimes, tragedies and setbacks can give us renewed perspective on life and help us see things anew - perhaps this is what has happened with you. Grief was likely the catalyst for this, and nothing more.

The best situation would be to grow and develop from what has happened - to make it so that having known your friend, you can claim to be in a position to become a better person. With the right approach to life, we can choose for each experience and person we meet in life to enrich us in some way and help form who we are.

The way I've learned to cope with things is to truly appreciate that sh!t happens and that it's up to me to decide what to do with it. Most things in life are out of our control (hell, with SA I feel that my own life is not even within my control), but we can control our approach and attitude.

Be a better person for having known your friend. If they were a good person - or even if not - use what you have learned to make the world a better place, even if on a small scale.

Try to become better from every experience, whether bitter or sweet.

x


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