# When is it my turn?



## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

So I'm talking to somebody I've known (online only) for a while. He tells me tonight that he's going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. 

While I'm happy for him (even if they've only been together 7 months), I can't help but fall down another level on the depression ladder. Only a year ago, he was in the same position as I am... unable to talk to girls with no positive outlook for the future... and now he's talking marriage. His answer when I asked him how he made it happen was, "it just happened".

When is it going to "just happen" for me? I know I'm only 22, but I feel that my time is running out. I'm not stupid... the longer I go without any experience of any kind, the less chance I have of spending my life with a significant other. 

:sigh


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Plenty of people I talk to online find a gf or bf, but yet it never happens to me.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

Ah, the old "it just happened" rejoinder. What a useless tautology.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

Hahaha, yeah magically it just happened. It honestly does seem like it "Just happens" for certain people. I don't get it. 

"When is it my turn?" I've been wondering the same thing myself.
I got so depressed when I looked on a friend's myspace profile and it says he's in a relationship and he has a picture with his g/f. I remember talking to him when he first started talking to that girl which wasn't too long ago actually and now it's official. I made a nice comment on their pic saying I'm happy for them, which I am, but what about ME?! I deserve someone too.
Ah well, enough of my *****ing. Life hates me.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I can totally relate, but you're going to be waiting for a long time if you just sit and hope it's going to "just happen." It would be nice, but as far as I know, women aren't going to just beat down your door looking for you.


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## OneSADClown (Apr 14, 2004)

yeah, exactly.. it never "just happens".. you really need to put your *** on the line for "it" to "happen".. but for us, those mean relatively simple things.. just challenge yourself in small amounts over time.. if you have a fear of going outside, go to the grocery store once in a while.. if you have a fear of going to the movies alone, do it now and again.. if you _really_ don't want to go to that dreadful party on friday, say "f--- it", and make yourself go..

trust me, good things happen when you step out of your comfort zone for a change.. or hell, some bad things could happen too, but that's a risk you'll have to take to get the ball rolling.. just don't let it scare you back inside, but keep on pushing.. i know most of the time we have no energy to take that risk, but that's what we need to do if we want for things to change.. it's hard... i know..

and wow, 7 months and they're getting married? that's pretty quick.. i know people who've being going out for 5 years and still no talks of marriage.. but then again, you hear those stories of people getting married within a month or something.. :stu


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Going to the grocery store or the movies might be pushing yourself, but its not the type of thing thats going to get you a gf.

I've been pushing myself for almost a year just to do that kind of stuff, and even though I manage to do it, it has resulted in exactly 0 interactions with a female.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



ColdFury said:


> Going to the grocery store or the movies might be pushing yourself, but its not the type of thing thats going to get you a gf.
> 
> I've been pushing myself for almost a year just to do that kind of stuff, and even though I manage to do it, it has resulted in exactly 0 interactions with a female.


Took the words right out of my mouth.

I've worked at the mall for 3 years for god sakes. You'd think I'd be able to at least get a ****ing date.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

The only way to have a girlfriend is to ask women out. That's it. Women will NOT, under any circumstance take the initiative. Any transgression to this rule is to be considered an anomaly and not to be relied upon. 

Once you have accepted this fact, it's all about overcoming rejection and improving your odds, both by making yourself more desirable and by learning how to pick the right partner.

In a way, it's like getting a new job. No company is going to look for people to hire, they simply expect applicants to contact them first, and after you have made your first move and presented your resume you will be tested to determine if you are right for the job. It's the same exact thing for women...


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Lyric Suite said:


> In a way, it's like getting a new job. No company is going to look for people to hire, they simply expect applicants to contact them first


If I need staff, I will recruit just as much as I will accept applicants.


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## Tania (Jan 8, 2005)

He probably made it happen by not turning down invitations to go out for a drink with a girl and her friends... and didn't say "I have to work late"... :boogie

*don't hit me*


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



PGVan said:


> If I need staff, I will recruit just as much as I will accept applicants.


Ok, bad analogy, but you get the drift. :b


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Tania said:


> He probably made it happen by not turning down invitations to go out for a drink with a girl and her friends... and didn't say "I have to work late"... :boogie


Oh, ouch. :b


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I know what you mean. I began wondering when my turn would be at the age of nine. My cousin had just gotten her first boyfriend and I was the third wheel on their dates to the skating rink each weekend. 
Then high school came. It seemed that _everyone_ was dating and having sex. Everyone but me, that is. 
Skip forward to college. Now, my cousin has already been in several committed relationships, and I'm a member (maybe the _only_ member) of the campus virginal minority. 
I decided to go on myspace not too long ago and check up on (a.k.a. E-stalk) everyone I've ever known. Many of them are now married, have children, or are in long-term relationships. Even if they currently don't have a significant other, they have had at least one at some point.
I have never experienced anything, and it pisses me off. I can't force myself to let my guard down and have fun. I simply drone on in misery and then ***** about it on the internet. 
I've realized that my situation has now reached an unforeseen level of desperation. I saw a van for an escort service parked in front of a SEARS department store and actually vocalized a "hmmm," and thought about copying the number onto the palm of my hand.

EDIT: I typed "to" when I should have typed "too." This is unacceptable.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

blah


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Lyric Suite said:


> The only way to have a girlfriend is to ask women out. That's it. Women will NOT, under any circumstance take the initiative. Any transgression to this rule is to be considered an anomaly and not to be relied upon.
> 
> Once you have accepted this fact, it's all about overcoming rejection and improving your odds, both by making yourself more desirable and by learning how to pick the right partner.
> 
> In a way, it's like getting a new job. No company is going to look for people to hire, they simply expect applicants to contact them first, and after you have made your first move and presented your resume you will be tested to determine if you are right for the job. It's the same exact thing for women...


Using this analogy I have a degree in a field that no company uses anymore, and I have no clue where to apply for work!


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

In that case, I've been out of work so long that I'm unemployable. :lol


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Lyric Suite said:


> The only way to have a girlfriend is to ask women out. That's it. Women will NOT, under any circumstance take the initiative. Any transgression to this rule is to be considered an anomaly and not to be relied upon.....
> 
> In a way, it's like getting a new job. No company is going to look for people to hire, they simply expect applicants to contact them first, and after you have made your first move and presented your resume you will be tested to determine if you are right for the job. It's the same exact thing for women...


It also seems most women don't want someone without experience. Just like looking for a job, in the real world people with experience are usually considered first. I can't say this is always true because I know there are women out there who can see past this, but I can't imagine my total lack of experience at my age would be desireable to many women either. I'm far too shy to approach anyone and girls pay absolutely no attention to me. At this point I've pretty much lost all hope. I can't even make eye contact with a woman I'm interested in, I've never dated, never held a conversation with a woman...hell I've never even been hugged by anyone other than my parents. All I'm trying to do now is just come to terms with things and accept being alone. I've suffered far too much emotional pain and frustration trying to meet someone all these years and I just don't know what else to do.


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## odun (Nov 9, 2003)

you dont get a 'turn'. you have to make things happen. be pro-active, impetuous.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



odun said:


> you dont get a 'turn'. you have to make things happen. be pro-active, impetuous.


No offence, but tell me something I haven't heard a million times.


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## OneSADClown (Apr 14, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



PGVan said:


> odun said:
> 
> 
> > you dont get a 'turn'. you have to make things happen. be pro-active, impetuous.
> ...


he's just telling you what there is to it. there is really no "turn". all the cliches you've heard already are true. no one will make things happen for you, and you have to work your *** off to get them.

believe me, i'm not talking down to you, as this hurts me just the same. i'm a terrible procrastinator and have the same hopes that things will just magically change for the better. and they never will unless i learn to take chances and make sacrifices. the thing is i don't think i can ever learn this, but knowing the theory behind it seems helpful at least.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

...and sometimes you can try to make things happen and it doesn't work out at all. I've been in those situations, but at least I can say I tried.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Strange Religion said:


> ...and sometimes you can try to make things happen and it doesn't work out at all. I've been in those situations, but at least I can say I tried.


Indeed, but what can you do? You just have to keep trying, the alternative is not even worth considering...


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Lonelyguy said:


> It also seems most women don't want someone without experience.


Girls don't care about guys who are inexperienced, but depending on how old you are they might wonder why, and conclude there's something wrong/undesirable about you. Solution? Don't tell them anything, you have nothing to gain from doing so and everything to lose.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

And what if they ask? I can imagine that it is a topic that is bound to come up sooner or later...


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

Njodis said:


> And what if they ask? I can imagine that it is a topic that is bound to come up sooner or later...


As you have seen in this thread, it's not easy. The girl who invited me for a drink with her and some friends isn't one I'm interested in romantically because she smokes (I'm sorry if that seems shallow, it is not an option for me), but the door was open. I couldn't walk through.

And Tania, I WAS working late ....just not late enough to make it a legitimate excuse. :sigh


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## emptybottle (Jan 3, 2005)

You can always lie about your inexperience and say you've dated around and/or had a girlfriend, but nothing serious. You don't need to say much more than that. Women won't immediately assume you're completely inexperienced just because you appear very nervous and don't have good social skills.


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

That's true or if it gets to the point where you admit you're inexperienced, you could still say you've had your options and dated around, but you haven't found the right girl yet...something like that. It'll make it look better when you come off as having the upper hand.

My friend is like that actually. He recently lost his virginity and he's 23. He doesn't suffer from SAD or anything and he actually had chances with girls, but he wasn't interested in them. Then he finally found someone he was really into.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

I've never been able to really relate to women (or men) who saw no experience as a bad thing. To me its pretty much a requirment they have no experience, I'm 1. too jealous to deal with knowing my bf has slept with women in the past and 2. see sex as something special to only be done with 1 you're in love with, and I really don't want them to have been in love with anyone before me. Not to mention no fears of diseases. So yes men, their are women out there who not only are ok with no experience but actually like it...we're just probably not the girls you'd go for


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## Dolphin (Mar 24, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



LoneLioness said:


> So yes men, their are women out there who not only are ok with no experience but actually like it...


 :ditto


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



emptybottle said:


> You can always lie about your inexperience and say you've dated around and/or had a girlfriend, but nothing serious. You don't need to say much more than that. Women won't immediately assume you're completely inexperienced just because you appear very nervous and don't have good social skills.


Given my stance on not getting into a relationship with the intent on having it end, lying about something like that would only guarantee that it comes back to bite me in the ***.

This is probably a reason I can't seem to come up with the balls to initiate contact with women, is because today's society promotes promiscuity and "relationships" just for the purpose of gaining experience. I'm sorry, if I'm going to commit to a relationship, it's going to be for the long haul. If something happens in the future that ends the relationship, so be it, but no way will I get into a relationship knowing it will end.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

It will be your turn when you make it happen.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

I am well aware that one has to "make it happen". Unfortunately I have absolutely no clue what one has to do for that. Its not like I'm ever in any situations that would even give me an opportunity. If such an opportunity presented itself, I would certainly give it a try, but I have been given no such chances. I am rarely in a situation that involves interacting with females, or any people for that matter.


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

It seems you at least need some friends and have some connections to parties to make it happen. I used to have that but never took advantage and now I really don't have chances. I'd really like to change that if I knew how.


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## OneSADClown (Apr 14, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



ColdFury said:


> I am well aware that one has to "make it happen". Unfortunately I have absolutely no clue what one has to do for that. Its not like I'm ever in any situations that would even give me an opportunity. If such an opportunity presented itself, I would certainly give it a try, but I have been given no such chances. I am rarely in a situation that involves interacting with females, or any people for that matter.


in that case, "you make it happen", i.e. make the chances come to you. go to bars, chat up total strangers and get in as many social situations as you can. that's what "normal" guys do, anyway. while meeting the girl of your dreams by her falling into your arms is awesome, it's not the norm and certainly doesn't happen everyday. you might be lucky to have her come knocking on your door tomorrow, and you might live your life without ever having a chance like that.

instead of waiting for stuff to happen to us, we make ourselves happen to stuff... eerrr, or something along those lines.

but don't listen to me. i'm still in the same shoes as you, unsure of everything and completely oblivious as to how human relationships work, though i've been lucky to meet someone by pure chance, which i'm still dumbfounded about.

i _do_ know what i need to do in order to be "happy" (by society's standard, anyways): pursue my education, hunt for a good job, and actively seek someone's companionship. but the thing is, i'm passive, uninterested and apathetic by nature. not to mention masochistic, as i prefer to remain motionless to preserve my current state, than put what little i have now on the line to have a chance at going to the next level of... whatever. it's that conformity we're not willing to sacrifice and that risk we're not willing to take. :sigh


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> in that case, "you make it happen", i.e. make the chances come to you. go to bars, chat up total strangers and get in as many social situations as you can.


And if one doesn't really like going to bars and the like? Most social activities people my age do don't interest me in the slightest, and of course my panic and anxiety attacks don't help either.

I have very unique interests and most people do not share them. I doubt that talking to random females (if I could even do that) would find anyone who shared any of my interests.

I'd love to go out and "make it happen", but the fact is, I'm probably never going to be able to do that, my anxiety is just too strong. I only do what I can, which is try dating sites (to no luck) and such.

I am not saying I expect someone to just magically turn up, in fact I always say the opposite. I fully understand my situation.

If we could all just go out and make it happen, I doubt any of us would need to post here.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



ColdFury said:


> If we could all just go out and make it happen, I doubt any of us would need to post here.


I think this is the bottom line right here.

It just isn't as easy to do it as it is to say it.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



LoneLioness said:


> So yes men, their are women out there who not only are ok with no experience but actually like it...we're just probably not the girls you'd go for


For example, if you were interested in men over 40 yrs old and found one you liked that had zero experience, you mean that wouldn't freak you out?

I'm over 40 and because of past severe SA (but my SA now isn't as bad as before) I have zero experience in not only sex but also zero experience in dating. I think any woman that finds this out about me will be shocked and probably look at me like I'm an alien ... then walk away as fast as she can. At least that's what I envision.

Lifetimer


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



Lifetimer said:


> LoneLioness said:
> 
> 
> > So yes men, their are women out there who not only are ok with no experience but actually like it...we're just probably not the girls you'd go for
> ...


I'm not normally interested in guys over 40, it could happen but generally I figure anyone over 40 is not only experienced but possibly divorced and/or has kids so I am automatically not interested. If I did meet a 40+ year old virgin, my first thought would be he must be lying. After I got to trust him I would be fine with it though, would take me a long time to trust tho.


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



OneSADClown said:


> ColdFury said:
> 
> 
> > I am well aware that one has to "make it happen". Unfortunately I have absolutely no clue what one has to do for that. Its not like I'm ever in any situations that would even give me an opportunity. If such an opportunity presented itself, I would certainly give it a try, but I have been given no such chances. I am rarely in a situation that involves interacting with females, or any people for that matter.
> ...


If i was normal i wouldn't post here. In fact i would probably not know that this site existed. I wouldn't be on meds and i would probably have a job and a normal social life. Chatting up strangers is something even most "normal" people can't do and many of them don't even have to. They have a circle of friends with guys and girls so they can ask people in the circle or people that their friends know on a date..


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## OneSADClown (Apr 14, 2004)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



ColdFury said:


> And if one doesn't really like going to bars and the like? Most social activities people my age do don't interest me in the slightest, and of course my panic and anxiety attacks don't help either.


yea, i hear what you're saying, but my point is doing something that challenges you.. going to bars and such things are simply "easy" ways to meet people.. you could try doing anything, really, that makes you go out there and present yourself.. i know this is very hard for us, but we have to take it one step at a time..

i think our main issue is with being uncomfortable; we simply don't want to go through that feeling.. when we really should accept that it's normal to feel uncomfortable sometimes, and that we have to if we want to pursue certain things that might make us happy.. i know i'm terrified by that uncomfortable feeling, and the truth is i have it most of the day, but i keep telling myself i should just force myself into those stress-inducing situations and at least see what happens.. it's been stressful, to say the least, but i feel like i'm at least moving somewhere, instead of remaining static and wallowing in my own state (which i tend to do from time to time, anyways)..

it's like as if i see this fence/wall and i know i need to cross it, if nothing to _see_ what's on the other side, but i'm too comfortable just lounging here, alone, miserable in my own loneliness.. and it doesn't help there's this constant noise and chattering from the other side from people having a good time.. right now, i'm getting out of my chair and knocking on the wall to see if there's anyone willing to throw me a rope or give me a hand..


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



PGVan said:


> ColdFury said:
> 
> 
> > If we could all just go out and make it happen, I doubt any of us would need to post here.
> ...


I think that it is actually simple, but is not easy.

Think of having to push a heavy object (like a couch or piano etc) from 1 house to another. It's simple isn't it? You just hold it and move. It doesn't require any real complexities. But it isn't easy. It requires you to use effort and push yourself. Walking up to someone and asking them out isn't that complex, but it will require effort to push yourself to do it.
---

Coldfury: you say that you don't like the same things that other people your age like. What type of interests do you have?


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> Coldfury: you say that you don't like the same things that other people your age like. What type of interests do you have?


Computer science, physics, and math for the most part.



> yea, i hear what you're saying, but my point is doing something that challenges you.. going to bars and such things are simply "easy" ways to meet people.. you could try doing anything, really, that makes you go out there and present yourself.. i know this is very hard for us, but we have to take it one step at a time..


For me exposure is asking a clerk in a store if they have something in stock, and I'm barely handing even doing that. Having a conversation with a stranger is just something I can't handle at this point (maybe ever?).



> Walking up to someone and asking them out isn't that complex, but it will require effort to push yourself to do it.


How many women accept date requests from some random guy who walks up to them? I've even asked my therapist before about this and he said he doubts many guys get dates by asking out complete strangers, and its something that even most "normal" people wouldn't think of doing. He said the majority of guys get dates thru mutual networks of friends.


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

When I was younger I had a lot of opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone that unfortunately I didn't take advantage of, but now I am 24, know nobody here at this college, and live alone. I just go to class and the gym. That is pretty much the extent of what I do on campus. I don't even have acquaintances here. I'd like to step outside my comfort zone, but I don't know how. I do make the occasional effort to get to know someone in class, but that has proved fruitless. It's hard to get to know someone when you only chat with them 5 minutes before class. I'm willing to try. I just don't know what to do. I occassionaly like to go to bars, but not by myself! I wish I had that "in" to go to parties and bars, just someone to go out with. I think I'm ready to meet people and make friends, but I don't know how to get it jumpstarted.


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## daaaaave (Jan 1, 2007)

ColdFury,

Have you thought about expanding your hobbies a bit? I think its clear most people won't be interested in discussing those things, but if you branch out a bit, you'll find a lot more people will share your interest. I'm not saying you even have to change, just find new things. Math, for instance...I am a math major. I was surprised to find there are a lot of women in my upperclassmen math courses, then it hit me that many of them are probably planning to teach math. I wouldn't recommend just talking about math, but it's something you have in common with her. As for computer science, do you like computer games? There are women who will be into computer games. For physics, there are a lot of interesting discoveries in physics, things you'd see on the discovery channel. It sounds like you have a lot of academic interests which is great. There are many smart women out there who would appreciate discussing things like that. But most people aren't going to want to talk all day about equations and nitty gritty academic stuff....everyone needs their r&r. I'm sure you have things you do for fun so focus on that. Perhaps even take up a new hobby. Everyone has to grow. I'm looking into some new hobbies myself just to become more well-rounded.

As for walking up to random women, I don't know if that's likely to work or not, but I might try soon. Obviously you don't want to just walk up and ask her out, but you can be direct as long as you don't come off desperate.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

*Re: re: When is it my turn?*



ColdFury said:


> Computer science, physics, and math for the most part.


Do you meet people in college in those classes or work if that is your field?
The thing is, is that just because you're good at and like Comp Sci, doesn't mean you have to go for someone who likes it too. Micheal Jordon doesn't go out with women based on how much they like basketball. Your dentist probably doesn't go out with someone who is a dental hygenist.



> How many women accept date requests from some random guy who walks up to them? I've even asked my therapist before.


Well, it depends on where you're talking about. A lot of people will just walk up and talk to people in clubs, the gym, school, work environment. But that doesn't really matter, there is a kind of flaw in your therapists logic though. While I agree that most "normal" people get dates thru mutual friends, that doesn't mean that other ways don't work (from his own admittance, he says that most people wouldn't think of doing it, so how would he know if it works?). We would need a proper sample size to make a comparison. I agree in that I wouldn't approach someone who looks disinterested in me. I would generally only approach someone who gives me eye contact, or looks like a nice person.

I used to know this guy who was a real natural, he saw this girl taking pictures, so he just walked up to her and told her how to take pictures better with the flash and in just 5 minutes of conversation that girl was really interested in him. Just today at the video store, there was this girl who had about 8 dvds in her hand. I casually turned over to her and joked "are you planning on buying all the DVD's in the store?"...that girl wasn't my type, but I'm sure I could have continued the conversation by asking her about the movies she had. If I see someone who is staring at me, I would go direct and just ask her out because there's probably attraction there. Otherwise, I would just go for a situational thing.

But if you're really gung-ho on meeting girls through social circle, you could try to make more friends. I'm actually in the process of trying to do that.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> Do you meet people in college in those classes or work if that is your field?


No, I don't meet anyone. I get pretty strong anxiety and panic attacks even talking to people.



> Have you thought about expanding your hobbies a bit?


I've looked around but I never seem to find much that interests me that much. Yeah, I like computer games, but only certain ones. I'm sure there's girls out there that like computer games, but I wouldn't say its the majority and I have no clue where to look for them.

I'm not surprised there's women in your math classes, the math department here as a lot of them as well. I just wish the CS department was like that, where its well over 90% male.



> But if you're really gung-ho on meeting girls through social circle, you could try to make more friends. I'm actually in the process of trying to do that.


I'd love to do that, but first I'd have to make one friend, let alone making _more_ friends, and if I knew how to do that without suffering anxiety attacks, I would have definitely tried it.


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## matt404 (Feb 8, 2006)

I know how everyone here feels. It seems to "just happen" for all of my friends, too, but never for me. I know for a fact that a few of my friends in long-term relationships/marriage _didn't_ have to make the first move with their current girlfriends, and all the rest at least got obvious unmistakable signs that the girl liked them. I haven't even gotten any of those. (I know the canned response to this is "You probably just don't know what signs girls give!", but I honestly think I'm pretty decent at spotting those signs. I've spotted many of my friends' romantic relationships before they happened.)

I wish I knew how this "just happens" thing was so easy for 85% of the population.


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