# How do SAers even manage to have relationships?



## MrQuiet76 (Aug 26, 2011)

How do you some of you guys do it? It seems like the most impossible thing in the world to me because of SA. I've noticed that (obviously) there are many people here who are in the same boat as me, yet at the same time there are still a ton of people on here who talk about currently being in a relationship or having one or multiple exes..... which kinda surprised me (in a good way!) considering the nature of SA, depression, etc.

For me, the thought of being on a date or even just the thought of asking a girl on a date and her actually accepting feel like a complete dream.... this might sound hypocritical but I was on a couple dates with a girl a few years ago, but it turned out she was just using me for attention so I don't feel like it was really genuine. I can't even imagine going on a legit date, kissing a girl, etc.... do I just have some really intense phobia of relationships or how did my fellow SAers manage to overcome any fears of pursuing a relationship??


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

Different levels and types of SA. Maybe good with opposite sex but bad with authority or unfamiliar places etc


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

It takes a lot of work, the hardest part for me is just to get women to respond favorably. After that it becomes much easier. 

Once they know you like good music it's easier.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I have no idea how it's done. I have never asked any woman out. It just seems too hard to overcome my anxiety and there are times I feel that I should have asked a women out a long time ago. Sometimes I think that I'm getting too old to start dating even if I could ask a woman out.


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

with me ive never had much trouble with relationships. my SA mainly gets in the way of having friendships.


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

Lol, dating? Serious relationships? Pssshhh. No good advice here. if you need advice on being able to talk to girls and being too ***** to make a move and then being her friend, holla at me!


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

Luck, I think it was, for me. Just being in the right place at the right time and bumping into someone who was willing to put effort into trying to get me to come out of my shell around him. It was incredibly anxiety-provoking (I would feel physically sick before meeting up with him or sometimes when receiving a text), but somehow I pushed through it and tried my best. Speaking on msn, rather than in real life, for a while after we just met, helped a lot, because I felt more comfortable with that, as did having some common ground when it came to taste in music (so we had something obvious to converse about). After a while of battling through the nervousness, it started to get easier, as we became more comfortable around each other.

It's just the one relationship, for me, that I've had. I can't really see myself ever getting into another should this one ever fail. No one really expressed an interest in me in that sense before this one happened (how could they, anyway, when I barely left the house!), and I think I'm too messed up to be lucky enough for it to happen again. But you know, sometimes surprising things do happen. Before I met my boyfriend, like you I wondered how it could ever be possible for someone with anxiety, depression, what have you, to get into a relationship (and more than that, actually stay in one and be happy!)... but, it is certainly possible, although not always easy.


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

Seems like the answer has already been said. People have different levels of SA and there are people willing to stick around to get to know you.


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## MaskOfSanity (Feb 16, 2012)

For some of us, it's actually easier to get in a relationship than it is to make friends. At the very least, easier to get to know women. Lots of people are looking for relationships, but most people have a circle of friends they grew up with. For that reason, it's a lot more awkward to try to hang out with some dude I just met who might not want a new friend. I don't want to look like a loser with no friends, and I don't want him to think I'm gay since I'm not. With a girl, it's more ambiguous... maybe I like her, maybe I just want to be friends... It actually feels like less pressure, unless I'm approaching a girl specifically for her number. Just a thought.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Those SAers are those who are attractive to others who in turn are desired for the means of a romantic relationship.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Its fate.


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## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

What helps me is im not the worst looking guy around plus alcohol.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I think a lot of it is fate, like visualkeirockstar said, just somehow being in the right place at the right time.

I've never been on a single "date" in my entire life, ever. I remember meeting past girlfriends through friends (I didn't have many) and us just hanging out.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

It's possible because people can suffer from social anxiety without it being so bad that it becomes a disorder. If it's bad enough to be a disorder, there's almost no hope without being extremely lucky.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

alcohol and living abroad


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## beothuck1 (Nov 16, 2010)

It wasn't easy, let me tell you. After having a couple friendships with guys I liked during university, I ended up pushing them all away, even though they obviously wanted to be with me because they asked me out. I declined or ignored all of their requests and cried about how I did this to one of them in particular later. It was only until I was 21 that I actually accepted to go on a date with a guy and that was largely due to the fact that I didn't have much time to think about it and my girlfriends were there (at the party) with me encouraging me to go. 

In highschool I was really shy and kind of socially ackward. I have a twin sister and she is my only close friend. I won't get into here, but sometimes having a twin sister can be like having a worst enemy too. Especially if they feel like they're in competition with you. I had a few close girl friends up until grade 8, but after that I couldn't make any close relationships. There were guys who liked me in high school too, but I was too shy to reciprocate. 

I finally met my now boyfriend when I was 22 and I feel as if we weren't in the same room with each other for hours a day for weeks I would've never met him. We became friends and it progressed from there. I had had a few more dates with guys up until I met him, but nothing really came out of it because I wasn't interested in having a relationship, but more focused on school and always came up with a reason to justify not being in a relationship. 

When I met my now boyfriend, I was more receptive to him because we totally started off as friends first and I was actually talking to him about another guy I was dating at the time. I didn't feel like he was looking to be in a relationship with me from the beginning and that attracted me to him more. 

My sister has made jokes that guys would have to jump on my car windshield in order to meet me. I am so shy that that is true. I never look around at guys when I go anywhere, I don't make eye contact with them or talk to them, but kind of ignore everyone. Often when I go out, there will be hundreds of people around but I come home feeling like I've saw nobody. I have to remind myself to make eye contact with people. 

In order to overcome my fear of pursuing a relationship I had to be comfortable around the person and not intimidated by them. I was too scared to pursue relationships with guys I really liked and was attracted to in the past. But in my now relationship, it didn't start off as attraction persee from the beginning, but kind of developed over time. I wouldn't go so far as to say I settled for less than I wanted, but it was definitely a requirement that I had to be comfortable around him. But as I've written in other posts, my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend is not that great. It started out good in the first couple months, but after that we started arguing and it hasn't stopped. Now it's to the point where I feel he walks all over me and I let him get away with it. So you have to be careful getting into a relationship and make sure you take time to really get to know someone. 

If there are little red flags from the beginning, don't ignore them and think they will go away. That's what I did and they later spiraled into much bigger fundamental differences. Look for someone who has similar values and beliefs as you and who has a similar picture for their life. I think one mistake that SA people make is getting into the wrong relationship just to get into one and then having a hard time leaving.


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

komorikun said:


> alcohol and living abroad


hahaha, that was exactly how i met one of my exes!


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

It sure isn't easy! But I got very lucky. 

1. I started a new high school (after being away from my original one due to panic attacks I had to just for protocol) and a girl took me under her wing from the first minute. She mentioned a number of times she had a friend she felt I'd really hit it off with. 

2. I wasn't looking. I didn't care about finding a boyfriend and felt I was dealing with enough. A new school, biweekly therapy for the anxiety and depression, I wasn't in a good spot to care about worrying about a first kiss! Let alone actually keeping the guy around. So when I eventually got around to meeting him I really wasn't feeling pressured to impress him, it was just to appease her. 

In terms of how...well it requires a person who can see past the labels. Someone who sees you for who you are and doesn't attempt to pigeon hole you. I've asked him a number of times how he, a "normal" and socially active person, deals with it and he simply says he doesn't see the anxiety. It effects us both to a huge extent (if I can't/won't leave the house, etc) but he's more interested in the person past the disorder which in theory is temporary. 11 years later I don't know about temporary but a girl can dream. Patience, maturity, and an open mind are pretty great ingredients. Unfortunately it's not common. The stars just sometimes align. If you think about it, if I didn't get an anxiety disorder I never would have met that girl/switched schools and we never would have met.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

I've been trying hard despite anxiety, but no luck.
While anxiety certainly doesn't make things easier, I'm not sure that's why it hasn't worked out - they just haven't been interested.
The thought of going on a date is intimidating, but if I actually got one, there's no way I wouldn't go.


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## march_hare (Jan 18, 2006)

I just bumped into the right person at the right time....
I was at a particularly good place in my life too.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

^ That was my situation with an ex. My anxiety wasn't being TOO troublesome and I was learning how to hide it well. Right place, right time. (hello spring break!)


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## elvin jones (Dec 12, 2011)

Luck. Seriously. Especially for guys who have social anxiety. I was just in the right place, right time and with the right frame of mind. I think a lot of people will be surprised how easy it is to meet girls if you show just a little effort. That's all it takes..also a little luck helps.


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

elvin jones said:


> I think a lot of people will be surprised how easy it is to meet girls if you show just a little effort. That's all it takes..also a little luck helps.


I can say from personal experience that it takes a hell of a lot more than "just a little effort".
If it were easy for you that's great, but it far from is for all.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

MrQuiet76 said:


> How do you some of you guys do it?


 I'm one of the ones who doesn't do it. I'm fine with it that way.


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## elvin jones (Dec 12, 2011)

Milco said:


> I can say from personal experience that it takes a hell of a lot more than "just a little effort".
> If it were easy for you that's great, but it far from is for all.


Little effort plus some luck. I am sorry things were so difficult for you. Perhaps one day you'll luck out! Like I have.


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## reaffected (Sep 3, 2011)

_Really really really _determined and/or devoted people. It takes someone to really care about you as a person and look past all this SA stuff to even try. It's not easy! There are much easier people to date out there...


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## Equimanthorn (Aug 5, 2012)

It might seem totally unbelievable but in a few of my experiences I would say possibly my SA behaviors attracted a few girls. There were girls who knew me through mutual friends, knew that I was always the one turning down invites to go out to eat because it made me uncomfortable, girls who knew if there was a social event, I was the one who never showed up or the person that nobody heard from for months at a time. Yet with all of this, I've had a few girls seemingly very eager to date me. A girl ended a four year relationship and told me she was infatuated with me and we had to be together. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not trying to sound arrogant about any of this, because of course relationships like that were a complete failure. Well, seeing as I'm single right now, they were all failures. But especially a chick who bails on a 4 year relationship because she's "infatuated". I was too immature to realize how bad that was at the time.

I think maybe in some strange way, SA to some girls can appear to be that mysterious quality that some girls look for. How come I don't do what everyone else does, what am I doing when everyone else gets together to hang out and I never come, etc. Little do they know I'm just sitting at home, preferring not to deal with people. And once a girl becomes my girlfriend and I "let her in" enough to see what the real deal with my life is all about, they don't stay long. I think my longest relationship was about 2 years. 

Over the years I think I've had two girlfriends from dating websites where it wasn't too difficult to start talking. Relationships that started from people I knew in real life, I almost never had to do the asking. Girls always made it known that they wanted me.

Back in high school apparently my SA wasn't so bad and I went through a period where I really enjoyed pushing myself out of my comfort zone and saying screw the consequences or fear of rejection. The girl I dated the longest during my high school years came about from a day after school where I walked up to her waiting for her bus, put my arm around her, and asked her out lol. 

But, whatever luck I had where I never had to go more than a few months without a girlfriend, has apparently run dry. This time my last relationship ended in November and aside from hanging out with a few girls I already knew and getting a kiss or two, I haven't met anyone and haven't really made the effort. In some ways it sucks, but in other ways I have been able to focus on other things in life since I'm finally taking a break from dating.


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## jimjam (Aug 22, 2012)

After having been in a few relationships, I have tended to notice a pattern with me. I tend to attract girls with more insecurities than I have. When you think about it, it makes sense.

What kind of woman who has her life together and priorities straight would want to be with someone like me? I tend to notice that people seek out their equals. People with mental illness/insecurities tend to seek out (even subconsciously) people who are the same. Probably because they feel they can't relate to those who haven't suffered in some way. I know I feel like that from time to time.

And as said above, having that "mysterious" element does help sometimes. But again, those relationships never last long once they realize you are boring, scared, and lonely.


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

cause I hooked up with a girl from this site who had the same problem.


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## Celtics777 (Aug 25, 2012)

It's not impossible. I'm not the best to give advice in this field, because almost every girl I have ever fell for I was never able to actually tell. 

I almost always become friends with that girl. And in the most recent case i'm starting to be glad that we aren't together, that we became "just friends" instead. She is my best friend. So things sorta just worked out.

That's the key. It's hard. Just stop worrying about it, and you will meet the person you are meant to be with. Just because we have SA doesn't mean we aren't all amazing individuals. Someone out there will notice that in you.

That's what I have to believe anyway.


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## caveman8 (Sep 3, 2012)

ravens said:


> I have no idea how it's done. I have never asked any woman out. It just seems too hard to overcome my anxiety and there are times I feel that I should have asked a women out a long time ago. Sometimes I think that I'm getting too old to start dating even if I could ask a woman out.


Just send her an email, for one. Easy.

I sent an email to my language tutor out of the blue, asking her out, without any contact for 8 months. She said yes. Ended up marrying her. The thing is, just went for it and didn't care what her reaction would be.

Girls do enjoy being hit on - despite what they may say in public. Try it today - never know.


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

caveman8 said:


> Just send her an email, for one. Easy.
> 
> I sent an email to my language tutor out of the blue, asking her out, without any contact for 8 months. She said yes. Ended up marrying her. The thing is, just went for it and didn't care what her reaction would be.


Awesome! I tried that with a chemistry teacher (we were only 5 years apart!) after the class ended. Didn't work out so well. However! By no means do I regret telling him I liked him. It's the worst to look back and wonder, "What if?"


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

Well since he thought my SA was such a burden and made me a complete freak it didn't work out for me... guess you really have to find someone who accepts you and doesn't think your only bringing them down


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## Milco (Dec 12, 2009)

RawrJessiRawr said:


> Well since he thought my SA was such a burden and made me a complete freak it didn't work out for me... guess you really have to find someone who accepts you and doesn't think your only bringing them down


The way I see it, SA is a burden to the person who has it and loved ones can feel sorry that you aren't happy, but they have no right to say you're dragging them down - that's just rude.
I'm sure there are people out there who can appreciate us despite the SA.


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## zachry50 (Sep 7, 2012)

A relationship is why I am here and the reason my anxiety is kicked back up now. had it suppressed for a while.


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## BeSerious (Sep 14, 2012)

Everyone has different levels of SA as stated before.
I deal with certain issues of SA but relationships, flirting with girls, and such has always been my forte. About the only thing I'm good at unfortunately...


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## MrQuiet76 (Aug 26, 2011)

Maybe a lot of it is just me... I don't know, but it just seems like there's no way it could ever work. I don't like being touched or having people too close to me. I hate small talk and don't like it when people ask me questions. I can only be around people for so long before I need to get away and be alone to "recharge". I tend to ignore phone calls a lot because of my anxiety. I'm also scared to death of kissing/flirting/sex/etc... to me, it seems like all of those traits directly oppose a relationship and it would never even have a chance.. it would take someone who was willing to put in an unrealistic amount of effort to be with me to overlook all that


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