# Became better friends with female coworker



## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

So I've known her for about a year and a half, but at work I tend to stay quiet and avoid talking with anybody. Lately I've been making an effort to talk to my coworkers and be a more sociable person. 

At a night class we take I somehow paired myself up with her and another person during our "lab". And during that time I just tried to be funny and she was quite receptive, laughing at my dumb jokes. I haven't felt that good in awhile and before she left the office for the weekend yesterday she looked in my direction and smiled. I smiled back(also something new for me) and feel like I've made an impression on her. 

I don't think I should pursue a relationship with her because she has a boyfriend(last time I checked...), but I am open to starting a good friendship with her. But, do you think I should tell her about my anxiety issues or should I just leave that alone for now? 

It's been a long time since I've had a close friend and I feel like I don't know what's acceptable or not anymore. 

(P.S. This is kind of a side issue, but since I work in construction, the office is literally a sausage fest, and I just feel kind of awkward coming up to her cubicle to talk to her)


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

sausage fest lol. no, you should not tell her of your anxiety issues. that would just be weird considering you're just a work colleague.


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Just a little update: 

The times I've spent in the night class so far have been quite fun for me. I'm gradually opening up a little more and treating her more like a friend. However, one thing that kinda bothers me is that at work she'll acknowledge me and then there are times where she won't. I kind of keep thinking to myself that she's only nice to me in class, but that can't really be faked right? 

Secondly, in the last class I had with her she joined in on a convo between another coworker and I. Everything went quite smoothly and the topic of nerdiness came up. She mentioned that she had a friend who finds math to be fun and then I brought up the idea that she should hook me up with one of her "cute, single friends." After hearing this she laughed....and then said nothing else about it; but it might have been because class was starting at that time. However, should I be concerned or take that as a sign that I should not broach that topic? Thanks for reading.


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## Anticipate (Dec 23, 2012)

hollowman32 said:


> Just a little update:
> 
> The times I've spent in the night class so far have been quite fun for me. I'm gradually opening up a little more and treating her more like a friend. However, one thing that kinda bothers me is that at work she'll acknowledge me and then there are times where she won't. I kind of keep thinking to myself that she's only nice to me in class, but that can't really be faked right?
> 
> Secondly, in the last class I had with her she joined in on a convo between another coworker and I. Everything went quite smoothly and the topic of nerdiness came up. She mentioned that she had a friend who finds math to be fun and then I brought up the idea that she should hook me up with one of her "cute, single friends." After hearing this she laughed....and then said nothing else about it; but it might have been because class was starting at that time. However, should I be concerned or take that as a sign that I should not broach that topic? Thanks for reading.


Hi Hollowman,
Congrats on starting a new friendship with your female coworker! I just wanted to say from a female perspective, if she laughed after you brought up the idea of setting you up with one of her friends, she may think that it would be awkward. I wouldn't bring it up again right away- try to take the friendship slowly and try to see her responses to you in general to see if you're getting a good vibe from her.


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## LimePenguin (Aug 3, 2011)

Congrats  I can imaging breaking the ice with someone you see regularly for the past year and a half would be more challenging than if you had just met them, the moment when it would be expected. 

So I'm pleased that you did. Gives me confidence to do the same. I had got on well with a few of my coworkers that I've known almost 6 months but I always felt like I never truly broke the ice after all this time, and that it was too late to do so. From your story, perhaps there is no bad time.

I would say have her as a close friend and nothing more. First reason being that she is a coworker: if things don't go to plan in a relationship, you'll still have to see her at work, plus people talk. Second is that being the sausage fest you describe (lol), chances are she has had at least one guy try before.

Good news is after enough time, she'll introduce you to her friends. That is always the best way. Oh and certainly don't mention your anxiety  . (As far as anyone I know IRL is concerned, I don't have SA)


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Good advice all around. Thanks for replying.

Limepenguin
I guess the good thing about the office is that we spend 70-80% of our time outside and we're all paired off in separate crews so I hardly see many people in the office until the end of the workday. Having said that, I'm trying to be more sociable with everybody including the people who I have "known" longer than my female coworker. And I find that trying to maintain a positive, upbeat demeanor beneficial in general. So I'm certain that if you put a little effort in day by day you can do the same thing as well. I used to think I had already carved my niche as well, but you can always change.

I guess I have a follow up question also. I've never been in a romantic relationship before, and when people ask I usually say I'm single and try to keep it at that. But, if or when they try to delve into why I'm still single what do you think I should say?

I was planning on bending the truth a little bit and telling people that I don't have much relationship experience and it's been 3 years since I've been in a steady relationship. Maybe I should add that I'm a little picky and that it's hard to go out when all my friends have moved out of state. How does that sound?


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## franklin86 (Oct 31, 2013)

If people press on for why you're single, just smile and say that you haven't found the right person yet. If they keep talking about it, try and change the subject. "Hey have you seen any good movies lately?"


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## dcaffeine (Oct 26, 2013)

Or say, "what did you say about cows?"


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Another update:

Yesterday I passed by her in the office and she initiated a convo with me which was nice for a change. Although I have to say that talking to her makes me nervous and a little tongue-tied. I also find it difficult to maintain a convo when it feels like the whole office is listening. It's pretty quiet there. My biggest issue is that I think I'm going to say the wrong thing and that I try too hard to think of something to talk about. And when I'm in the office I tend to become quieter because some of the supervisors sit nearby and I don't want to give the impression that I'm slacking off. 

Anyway, what really made my day yesterday was in our night class's lab when I went to get the equipment she actually helped me. She could have joined a different group but decided to be in mine even without me asking. I tried to stay positive and friendly throughout the night which actually made me really thirsty and gave me a stress headache lol. So I can honestly say that yesterday was a good day. 

As for today I noticed that she came in the office a little earlier than usual, she said good morning, but I felt like I didn't have anything to talk about again so I never really said anything to her today. I'm a little disappointed in myself but I am making progress. Thanks for reading. I'll probably add another update next week or whenever I feel like something good happened lol.


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Update:

Just last week before the weekend started I noticed she came out the office the same time as me and we talked about recreation because I heard she plays volleyball at some local bar. She asked me what I did and I honestly told her about my back problems and how I started to exercise recently. She actually shed a tear and well, I don't know, no one has ever done that for me before. I was amazed, dumbfounded, and extremely touched. 

Each day at work I've talked to her just a little bit more and more about her life and today we were just sort of shooting the crap. We were talking about nothing really and it was quite liberating just to have someone to talk about nothing with. For the past so and so many years I've come to the point where I think that every conversation should be significant in some way, but I'm relearning that it doesn't. I'm just trying to take it slow and take it one day at a time before I feel comfortable enough with her to joke around about anything and not intimidate myself into thinking I should only be talking about such and such with her. I also offered to buy her a beer someday and while she seemed receptive, she didn't really bring it up again. This is just a guess, but maybe she's thinking her boyfriend would get jealous? She did tell me today that he doesn't take too kindly to infidelity, and plus, he was in the military. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. I appreciate any insight you may have.


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## bigcat1967 (Apr 20, 2010)

Seems like your doing the right thing by taking things slow. Just keep on doing what you are doing. You may be surprised by how things turn out.


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Update: 

So maybe I was wrong about this whole thing....I guess she still views me as a coworker rather than a friend, which is okay I guess but quite disheartening. Honestly, I've been feeling like crap since Monday. She seems to avoid me now ever since I told her that most of my friends moved out of state for school/work(mostly true though). 

I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore. I just feel like I'm floating away if that makes any sense. I think maybe I was a little too negative in my last conversation with her. I like to express myself in sarcasm, but maybe that rubs people the wrong way if you use it too much. I should try to be a more positive person I suppose, but it's tough when I don't have much going for me. Would it be possible for me to still be able to talk to her? I don't know, but for now I think I messed up. 

If I can't handle this kind of rejection now, how the hell will I be able to attempt to date? I seriously don't feel that great this week.


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## Raphael200 (Aug 18, 2012)

Nice work brother .


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Update:

Um, so, yeah, about yesterday's post...I was mislead by my own thoughts again! But I do believe that I may have gotten into some personal stuff a little too quickly and made it seem more depressing just by the way I talked about it. I think the best thing to do is to try to put a more positive spin on things. 

Anyway, for some reason I was feeling uncharacteristically confident and I joined her and a few other coworkers to shoot the crap. I think I did it to gauge whether or not she was still receptive to a closer relationship. It went well and I left, and later in the day I used a work-related thing as another pretense to talk to her and this time I kept it light and fun. We seemed to get along smoothly and at the end of the day she asked for my number. So, yeah, that happened. I'm still confused as to how that happened. 

I don't know where this might go, but I think I should just feign confidence more often than not. I faked it till I made it basically. This was something that was months in the making and it's starting to pay in dividends. Thanks for reading again. I hope my journey so far has inspired you.


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## hasbeenpugged (Nov 10, 2013)

hollowman32 said:


> Thanks for reading again. I hope my journey so far has inspired you.


It most certainly has!
It's so difficult to form a relationship of any kind, if you are constantly anxious about saying the right thing at the right time.
You go!


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Update:

So I just returned to work yesterday after having quite a few days off and we talked about what we did on New Years and Christmas. Unfortunately, I didn't hear from her during the time I had off since she had my number, but I didn't have hers. I was supposed to coolly, and casually ask her why she didn't call, but I just sort of blurted out "Hey, I didn't hear from you." And she says that she had nothing going on. 

And at the end of work today I asked her what she was up to this weekend and she said that she wasn't doing much. She tells me that she recently joined a gym. Otherwise, I say that I'm planning to check out a cover band if I'm feeling better(I've had a cold since Tuesday - Happy New Year! Not!). She also has been feeling under the weather so we exchange pleasantries and leave. 

Do you think I should have invited her out to anything or was I right to leave it at that? Maybe I should have asked her to call my phone so I have her number? I don't know why one minute I feel confident and myself and the next I'm like an eager little puppy. *Sigh* What do you peeps think? Thanks for any advice.


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## hermish (Nov 18, 2013)

I think your doing some great work keep it up. As for her phone number, next time hopefully it would feel natural for you to ask for a phone number when you give out your own phone number. In regards to inviting her out to anything, if you wanted to take it slowly I think your doing well.


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Update of an update:

So Thursday afternoon I wanted to ask her to do something with me on the weekend and I didn't really have anything in my mind so I just suggested that we go out for drinks(probably not such a good idea, but my mouth was racing faster than my brain). She says she'll think about it and yesterday she gets back to me and says she'll have to say no. Her reason being that she wouldn't be comfortable going out with another guy alone when she has a boyfriend. She also wouldn't be comfortable if her bf went out with some woman alone as well. I see her point and I sort of chastise myself at the time for bringing that up. 

But then there's a retirement party next week for a coworker and she says she's going. She texts me her number in case I have time to head out that day. I text her back apologizing for my earlier suggestion and say that I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. She accepts it and says that it would be better if it was a group thing where we hung out. She says her friend who works downtown is going as well. So that qualifies as a group thing in her eyes. Well, I guess I'm headed out next week lol. I think I'm making some real progress here, but I think I need to try my hand at dating someone else. As much as I like her she may not leave her bf and I shouldn't wait for her for my own sake. That's all, folks. Thanks for reading. Any comments are appreciated.


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Triumph turns to tragedy:

Read the post here
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f257/retirement-party-turns-awry-827825/


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## hollowman32 (Oct 19, 2013)

Some light emerges from the dark: 

After speaking with my therapist yesterday he made me realize that I've been going about this the wrong way. Unfortunately, when I began my mission of trying to become a more social and focused person I was seeking things that were beyond my grasp. He forced me to look at how realistic my expectations were. 

Abby has a boyfriend. I should not expect her to leave him for me or anything like that. However, one thing that still bothers me is how much ease Dave the supervisor spoke with her at his retirement party. Maybe it's because she doesn't view him as a threat? I don't know. I can only guess and if I obsess and over-analyze it like I usually do then I'll end up feeling worse. 

Anyway, I've actually been feeling better about the whole situation today because I'm learning to view her as a coworker and friend, and nothing more. When I originally started therapy and trying to change myself I wanted to practice how to be myself around women because that is something I have never done before. And unfortunately it morphed into a thing where I developed more romantic feelings towards her. 

Although I still harbor these feelings for her, viewing her in this different way is actually helping me not get so down on myself.


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