# Went on a Date... Finally!



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

It was my first date in 8 years that was openly acknowledged by both parties as a date with intent. We met on a dating site online (I had been sending messages by the boatloads but getting no responses, but she sent me the initial message). We went on your standard coffee date, and had a nice conversation. At the end of the date, she kissed me (my first kiss in 6 years)! I felt kind of bad that I didn't really know how to kiss her back, but, hey, it went well, and now I know that I can actually go on a date and be kissed. I've found that I can be funny and charming by just doing or saying whatever without actually knowing what I'm doing. Needless to say, we're going out again.

I'm not sure if I like her or not. We seem to have a nice repoire, and I've learned I can make her laugh, but we don't seem to have all that much in common, and I don't find her all that physically attractive. But, I figure I'd see where this takes us. For a long time, I've figured that it would be dishonest and cruel to lead someone on that I wasn't sure about, someone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way, that the many, many men and women see things otherwise. So, I'm keeping my options open, and I've asked 2 other girls out online (they both said yes). My therapist calls it "dating around," and she (my therapist) tells me it's good for my social anxiety that I do. It feels strange that I would, but it also feels liberating in one sense, and it makes me feel wanted in another.

I'm thinking that for every pretty girl online that we message there is one not so pretty girl that would love to hear from me. So, there's no sense in complaining about not being able to get a date if I only talk to those women that are both extremely attractive and intelligent. I went for a few that seemed smart, but not crazy, and they were very receptive. (Besides, when the lights are out, you won't really be able to see how pretty she really is (joke)).

(By the way, I'll probably be around a lot less due to other obligations. But I'll be around my favorite forums every now and then.)


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Well done.


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## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Way to go


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## VeggieGirl (Dec 11, 2009)

Well that is amazing to hear.
Proves that its never as bad as we think!


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

Good job!


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## jam26 (Jan 3, 2010)

Awesome!!! I'm a big believer in online dating - I met my husband online! He has had issues with anxiety in the past and with meds and therapy has overcome them. He is incredibly supportive of me. Keep at it. You will find the right person. Someone told me once that "there is a lid for every pot!"


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## chandavong (Sep 24, 2009)

oh yeah baby keep the fire going on!


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## Narcissus (Aug 28, 2007)

Yay! I'm looking for a lid myself.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

A minor triumph, but for me, it's pretty big and liberating: A stunningly beautiful colleague wearing a low cut top was leaning forward in front of me and I allowed myself to stare a bit. Normally I would look away, hate her for being so senseless for wearing such a thing, and hate myself for secretly wanting to sneak a peek. Yes I can (be a pig)!


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## TRENNER (Sep 21, 2009)

Stkinthemud-

Good work. It sounds like you have a number of decent dating prospects now.


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## ShyRon (Dec 3, 2009)

This is great to read cuz I was feeling down about my dating prospects. Met someone a month ago & it became a drawn-out mess. This is giving me some hope.


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## marenubium87 (Jan 11, 2009)

Awesome! Congrats.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

To be honest, sometimes, when I'm walking around in a place with a lot of beautiful women (campus), I think to myself "why can't I have that?" Part of me wants to think that this is a messed up way of seeing things, but thank goodness for CBT validating that these feelings are okay for me to have. I'm kind of hoping someone I find more attractive

And I bought condoms for the first time yesterday...


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

*Superexposure!*

Went on a first date with another girl, and it was a bit easier. Strangely enough, she waited for me for over half an hour while I tried to find the coffee shop. We heard applause in another room and decided to check it out. It turned out to be a Toastmasters event, one that they said was more of a laid-back comedy thing. They asked my date to come up and do an impromptu speech, but she refused. They asked me. I considered it for a moment, then I thought, hell, why not compound this exposure exercise? So I did, and it went well. My knees were shaking (I'm not good at speaking among peers) and I rambled a bit, but I made people laugh, and some of them complimented me afterward. I'm still reeling from the experience.

We're going out again sometime soon.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

That's great STK.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Thanks, everyone, for the support!


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## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

STKinTHEmud said:


> I'm not sure if I like her or not. We seem to have a nice repoire, and I've learned I can make her laugh, but we don't seem to have all that much in common, and I don't find her all that physically attractive. But, I figure I'd see where this takes us. For a long time, I've figured that it would be dishonest and cruel to lead someone on that I wasn't sure about, someone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way, that the many, many men and women see things otherwise.


I have these same anxieties. The girl I went out with tonight is pretty awesome, but not as attractive as others I've dated, and it makes me feel really ****ty and shallow for thinking that. I feel like I shouldn't be dating someone unless I'm 100% into them, because anything else is leading them on and hurting them or taking advantage of them. I think I'm more afraid of rejecting someone than I am of being rejected myself. :/

But yeah, most people just consider it "dating around" and it doesn't bother them that much. I don't understand how they do it.

Usually I get to know someone very well on IM first, and then we meet, and since we have already been very frank with each other and were both selective about meeting, sparks usually fly immediately. 

Meeting someone for dinner like this and _then_ getting to know each other is pretty alien to me, and difficult.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

^Yeah, I've felt the same way for a long time. But nothing was happening that way, so I decided to try it this way and see what happened. Have you considered that SHE might want to be with YOU, if even for a little while? A short term relationship is not necessarily using her, especially if she wants the same thing and if she enjoys this part of the relationship. I've been sometimes slipping into that negative thought pattern - hating myself for not being too serious about this - but what we want has value too, and often more value than what other people want, and we should recognize this. Besides, it's helping my SA so that when I meet someone that is really good for me, I'll be able to reciprocate. Just finished the third date with the first girl I dated and had the first kiss that I actually enjoyed (I also got the feeling that I actually might not have performace anxiety when the sex part comes). I will get a second date with another girl, and I'm meeting another for the first time this weekend. I've also been in contact with my first crush (from 10 years ago and who is absolutely awesome) and asked her to meet to catch up (!) and she said next month some time. Not sure why, but I'm hopeful.


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## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

STKinTHEmud said:


> ^Yeah, I've felt the same way for a long time. But nothing was happening that way, so I decided to try it this way and see what happened. Have you considered that SHE might want to be with YOU, if even for a little while?


I'm more worried that they want a long-term relationship with me, and I won't want one with them. 



> A short term relationship is not necessarily using her, especially if she wants the same thing and if she enjoys this part of the relationship.


Of course. This one in particular claims to not want that, though, so I don't want to lead her on. It was fine when I dated a girl who just wanted to be "casual", and that's what I wanted, too. It's when you want different things that's the problem. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (including my own), so I just avoid all human interaction.

But I think my feelings are hurt too easily, and I project that onto other people and worry a lot about what might happen to them, when they're actually much more resilient than me. I'd sit in my apartment alone being miserable, while another person would just laugh it off at the bar with a bunch of friends.



> Just finished the third date with the first girl I dated and had the first kiss that I actually enjoyed (I also got the feeling that I actually might not have performace anxiety when the sex part comes). I will get a second date with another girl, and I'm meeting another for the first time this weekend.


Awesome! I haven't kissed anyone since my last girlfriend in like June. Argh. I've been asked out by like 10 people since then, but I haven't met up with them because of all the bad things I imagine that might happen to either of us. It's stupid.



> I've also been in contact with my first crush (from 10 years ago and who is absolutely awesome) and asked her to meet to catch up (!) and she said next month some time. Not sure why, but I'm hopeful.


Maybe she hopes you'll forget by then. Or maybe she's planning on breaking up with someone and expects to be single by then. Or maybe she's just busy.


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## PrincessQueenCupcake (May 29, 2008)

congratulations on the date, remember, sometimes it's ok for a date to be just a date. I hope you find that it's ok to ENJOY life and not feel like you have to have a reason for it. =)


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## AnxiousIaM (Jan 14, 2010)

STKinTHEmud said:


> It was my first date in 8 years that was openly acknowledged by both parties as a date with intent. We met on a dating site online (I had been sending messages by the boatloads but getting no responses, but she sent me the initial message). We went on your standard coffee date, and had a nice conversation. At the end of the date, she kissed me (my first kiss in 6 years)! I felt kind of bad that I didn't really know how to kiss her back, but, hey, it went well, and now I know that I can actually go on a date and be kissed. I've found that I can be funny and charming by just doing or saying whatever without actually knowing what I'm doing. Needless to say, we're going out again.
> 
> I'm not sure if I like her or not. We seem to have a nice repoire, and I've learned I can make her laugh, but we don't seem to have all that much in common, and I don't find her all that physically attractive. But, I figure I'd see where this takes us. For a long time, I've figured that it would be dishonest and cruel to lead someone on that I wasn't sure about, someone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way, that the many, many men and women see things otherwise. So, I'm keeping my options open, and I've asked 2 other girls out online (they both said yes). My therapist calls it "dating around," and she (my therapist) tells me it's good for my social anxiety that I do. It feels strange that I would, but it also feels liberating in one sense, and it makes me feel wanted in another.
> 
> ...


YES! Congratulations! Well done!


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Thanks again everyone.

Update:
So I was on campus, working, and had a friendly conversation with a very pretty female colleague for about 20 minutes. I was thinking that I should talk to her after class as an exposure exercise, but didn't get to until later. At first, I was about to get up out of there, but then I decided I might as well do this little exposure. I sat down. She was stunningly beautiful, in every way that I could imagine: perfect body, pretty face, and intelligent. We were in the lounge, and she was tired, so she stretched herself out on the couch in ways that might make a man turn to jelly. I pride myself in allowing myself to sneak a peek and trying to keep myself from beating myself up for it. I was even starting to think of asking her out, but then she told me about her blond-haired, blue-eyed boyfriend. Oh well, it was a nice little exposure anyway.

I went on a date with a second girl (the second girl that I'm dating now), and it went well. We had a kiss at the end of the night. The thing is, I can't help thinking, "Why can't I have a woman like my colleague?" or like any other girl that I find that are more attractive and who have more in common with me than this one (and there are many that I know). I try to remind myself that baby steps are the key, that one day I'll be able to approach any women, regardless of how attractive she is. This is really hard for me, but I'm working at it and I'm making progress.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I'm just going to keep updating this thread as developments occurs. Not sure if any of you are interested, but I sure am, so I'll keep posting.

Had kind of a strange night yesterday. Went to a bar with my colleagues, met some new people, had some good conversations. There just happened to be karaoke in one of the rooms, and we were kicking around the idea of singing. As an exposure, I went on stage and did what may not have been THE worst version of Santeria ever heard (I was getting hoarse from yelling over the music and a bit sick, so my voice cracked all over the place). First time I've done that in front of complete strangers.

I saw one of my friends get hit on by some random (ugly) guy and another that got hit on by some older guy. My colleagues are generally very attractive (I have contemplated asking more than one of them on a date), so it's no surprise. What was surprising was how nonchalant one was when I asked her if that guy hit on her. She seemed to take it pretty lightly, as if it were no big deal, and as if it were a regular occurence. She didn't seem to think too much less of the guy either. Go figure.

Then one of my (cute) drunk friends was being a bit frisky with me. First time this has happened since who knows when. Unfortunately, I didn't quite know how to respond, so it passed. Of course, a few months ago, while in a similar state of inebriation, she made out with a female friend of mine (and yes, it was hot). It wasn't all that I might've hoped it could be, but hey, I didn't die.

This morning, one of the girls I've been dating told me that she thinks we should be friends. I told her I think we should go our separate ways. But I'm not too broken up about it because 1. She was not very pretty and we had very little in common, and 2. I'm dating someone else. So, within the past month, I've dated one girl who I wasn't interested in, one that wasn't quite so interested in me, one that simply ceased communication, and one that I'm still dating. I guess it pays to "date around." I'll still probably try to approach women with intent hopefully in the near future.

A medical issue has come to my attention that may make it difficult for me to be intimate with anyone. I'm going to see a doctor, and it is correctable, but still: doh.

Edit: Oh, almost forgot. I managed to look at a pretty girl without averting my gaze, and we smiled at each other. Sometimes, it's the little victories that are the most uplifting.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

Congrats on doing karaoke! I can't even sing by myself when I'm alone.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Turns out my medical issue was bigger than I thought. It looks like I won't be able to steal home for at least a few weeks.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Update: Third base.

The best part (besides the obvious) is that just before it happened, I told her I've never had sex. She looked at me a moment, then happily said "Okay!" and continued.

There's a lot more to the first, second, and third bases that I've never known about or heard of: the good, bad, and the ugly.


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