# My Goals To Triumph SA.



## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Ok I have a new goal to overcome SA (my old goal haven't fully worked since I'm switching my style now). It involves a lot of reading, studying and inner working to overcome toxic shame. My goal is inspired by Lifetimer's (a member of them this forum) plan to overcome SA. It isn't the EXACT same plan he posted but it is the same method he suggested to use. I will be reading, listening or/and watching:

"*On Family A New Way Of Creating Solid Self-Esteem*" By John Bradshaw. DVD

"*Homecoming*" By John Bradshaw. Audio (I have both, I haven't picked one yet)

"*No More Mr. Nice Guy*" by Dr. Robert Glover. The book.

"*Feeling Bad About Yourself*" by Marian Mills (it's a free ebook)

"*You Can Heal Your Life*" by Louise L. Hay. Audio

"*Shame - The 'S' Word - A Guide For Practioners*" by Bennie Naude. Article

"*Shame*" by Jan Luckingham Fable. Article.

*Edited* Just added "*Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway*" by Susan Jeffers. Audio

I will also be taking now notes and studying it. In my note taking, I will only take down notes that relate to MY toxic shame. I believe it was taught by my family. Since my mother, uncle, grandma both have TS with SA tendencies.

In my journey, I will be posting anything I learned about myself, my reading and any activities I have to do to overcome toxic shame.

I have started with "*On Family*" By Bradshaw already. I will be posting some of the info soon.

EDITED: Here's two links from the forum of LIFETIMER discussing the materials he recommended. http://goo.gl/3uqsu http://goo.gl/OX4yF . It is all the materials I'm working on except homecoming.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

From "*On Family&#8230;*" by Bradshaw it has 10 parts. I have watch 8 of out of 10. It basically talks about how family create toxic shame (in the video he didn't call it toxic shame. I guess he create the tapes before he create the term toxic shame.) and how to heal it.

What I got from it was different features related to me. One of them was emotional abuse. Bradshaw consider emotional abuse when your feelings are being violated. An example would be a child feeling anger about something and the father say "Don't be anger!! Stop it etc." When the father constantly does that, you lose your power to feel anger. So you would replace it with a different feeling.

Another element was physical abuse. I think I was in denial about this. Probably because I just follow what my parents view and style about it . Their style was normally ignored it and acted like it didn't happen. They acted in a way like it wasn't a problem. I guess since my feelings have been violated I always hid my TRUE feelings about it.

Yea something is puzzling me; did I get beaten after I was in kindergarten? Because I think my SA started before entering school. If not then I don't think the beaten was the source. I think it probably just worsen it. I don't know.

I'm not fully sure what it is. I think this is going to be a long investigate.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

In *9*, it discusses many things the one I focus on was how illnesses (like addiction) associate with un-forgiveness and how we need to let it go By *FEELING* the pain. By *EXPRESSING* it.

I think my addiction associated with the feelings that I didn't express yet. Prolly with SA too. I don't know. I think I went through the feelings, especially anger in March - July 2011. I went through a *raging* period. I was always mad becuz of the relationship I had with my mother and grandma. So I think I got that down a bit.

In *10*, I didn't focus on anything much here since I already knew most of them and some of them didn't affect my life. Some stuff discussed was how children view their parents as *GODS*. With them having an *UNSELFISH* mindset. This allows them to be vulnerable to any information.

This material was very useful for me. I'm happy I have learned where my SA and addiction come from. I wish it had more treatment on how to destroy it. Anyway, it is time to jump to the next material. "*Homecoming*" by John Bradshaw.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

In "Homecoming" it is a sequel of Bradshaw "On Family". It has 10 parts. I will be watching a part per day.

In *part 1*, I focused on *wounded child questionnaire* and the *10 things that show a person childhood is affecting their adult life*. For wounded child questionnaire, he have about 4 types of questionnaire for a period of the child. For example, wound child questionnaire for infant stage involves* ingestive addiction* (overeating, or drinking), *mistrust of people* and more. So basically, if a person has one of these problems as an adult, something occurred at this stage. Also, there are 3 more stages: *toddler*, *pre-school* and* school age*.

Next, the talks about those 10 acts that affect our adult life are similar to wounded child. One of them is *ACTING OUT OR IN*. It means to what happen to you, you do to others or to *YOURSELF*. For example, a boy child have a close bound with his mother. His mother used to mistreat him by slapping him, beating him etc. So what he would do is *act out *by beating women or *act IN* by cutting his risk, hitting his head on the wall etc.

In *part 2*, it is about *original pain*. To overcome shame you need to feel the *original pain*. We don't HAVE to remember it; we just need to feel it. He also gives great example such as *three part brain*, *energy in motion* and more. He use three part brain as good example why rational and motivating techniques don't work.

In *part 3*, I focused on traits of a infant (im guessing he consider an infant at the age of birth to 4 year old. I'm not sure.) such as *naïve*, *emotional*, *dependant* and more. It is about how a child mind work. A child is *naïve*. They don't know any better, and a parent is there only teacher. Whatever a parent says, do or act to the child the child just accept it. They don't know any better from wrong doing the parent is teaching them. A child is *emotional*, they only feel. They don't think. It is *bullsh!t* if a child could know from right to wrong. A child is *dependant*. They need a parent to fulfill their needs. It is not like a child can move and go to different house if anything goes wrong or get a job to *MOVE*. Lol. Bradshaw discusses this so we can understand how vulnerable a child was. And not to walk around and feel it is *OUR* fault or even our *PARENTS* fault (Since in earlier tapes he said don't play the blame game. Our parents didn't know any better. It is not like there are schools that teach them how to take care of a child.).

Also, HC in part 3 provide an exercise for the *infant stage*. The exercise help restore the infant stage. This exercise was very effective to me. To the point, I didn't go all the way with it. I cut it off. Since I did that, I plan on focusing on that exercise for a couple of days before starting the other parts.Also, the exercise and my therapist assist me to come up with a *conclusion* that back in *March* and *July* when I was be outgoing. I think was outgoing because my infant stage needs were met by *friends, stranger *etc. It involved attention and being admired. Plus, I think overcoming social anxiety step by step assist a little bit, not fully.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Hi rombow. I'm really enjoying reading your posts about your experiences with the Bradshaw material!

As I mentioned on my main thread, I do have a bit of concern that the DVD's and the audios may not include all the information that is in the actual books. I guess it's because I'm remembering back to how his 1 hour YouTube video of "Healing The Shame That Binds You" had left out _a lot_ of information that was in his book. However, I do think an advantage of him on video (or DVD) is that you get to see and hear him talk. Bradshaw is a powerful speaker and I think he does a good job of explaining things and getting his point across. It is easier to see how toxic shame is a very "real" thing by watching and listening to him speak.

rombow, I'm really glad you created this thread and that you are sharing with others. I think some of the members here can learn insights from posts that may be helpful to them (and I also can certainly learn from your posts as well). I just hope nobody will only rely on your thread or my thread as the only source of information about toxic shame and how to overcome it. Everyone needs to also get the books (or DVD's & audios) to get the all the ideas and solutions that was intended by the author.

I'm looking forward to your future posts and, hopefully, your progress. Just remember that it is very much a _gradual_ process in recovering from toxic shame. Keep up the good work rombow!

Lifetmer


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Lifetimer said:


> Hi rombow. I'm really enjoying reading your posts about your experiences with the Bradshaw material!
> 
> As I mentioned on my main thread, I do have a bit of concern that the DVD's and the audios may not include all the information that is in the actual books. I guess it's because I'm remembering back to how his 1 hour YouTube video of "Healing The Shame That Binds You" had left out _a lot_ of information that was in his book. However, I do think an advantage of hiim on video (or DVD) is that you get to see and hear him talk. Bradshaw is a powerful speaker and I think he does a good job of explaining things and getting his point across. It is easier to see how toxic shame is a very "real" thing by watching and listening to him speak.
> 
> ...


Ya I agree with the info from the DVD/audio. It isnt consistent compare to the books. That is why I'm thinking about reading *healing shame that is bind you* AFTER homecoming and BEFORE going to any other material. So I can get concrete information on all my material. I know it is different from homecoming and bradshaw on family but iknow they are similar information. but I am not stressing it. This is all the stuff I got. I did my best to get them. I view it like aleast I'm DOING something instead of NOTHING. Nothing is 100x worse. U know?


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

This post is referring to "*Homecoming*"

In *part 4* it is *ABOUT* how to reclaim your "*toddler stage*" (That stage is between 8 months to 3 years.). *Toddler stage* is more of the independent. Not fully independent more like in minor independents. It is when the child start taking charge and using the N word. "*NO*". Also, it starts expressing anger too. Bradshaw use "*index of suspicion*" for toddler stage such as scared of anger, issues knowing what you want and more. If you have these problems as an adult there is a chance it occurred at this stage. This is the stage where a child can also internalize their shame creating toxic shame. Add to that, he has another exercise that helps.

What I really got from this part was the exercise. The exercise made me feel. And from that I kind of get an idea that something occurred to me at this stage.

I analyzed myself and I recognize one of my behavior as not being able to express myself. For instance when I am going thru certain feelings when my lil 6 year old brother is around, he would ask me what is wrong? (He clearly, sees something is wrong) I *NORMALLY* reply immediately by saying "nothing". When I catch myself doing this I immediate tell him what is going on. Basically, I realize I'm modeling this to him. And I would deny the simplest issues that wouldn't be damaging to him.

In *part 5* it is about reclaiming your *pre-school child*. That stage is around 3yr to 7yr. The index of suspicion is problems expressing your feeling, "responsible for parents' happiness" and difficulty identifying your feelings. Also, he talks about how sexual abuse doesn't have to be the *NORMAL* type of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can also be when your parent force their child to take on a role that for will benefit THEMSELVES. For instance, if a husband's wife aint treating him right, what he does is make his daughter his little princess. He give her a lot of attentions, spoil her with gift (no sexual act of any kind) ETC. This would create problems in the household since this can make the MOM feels JEALOUS. As a result, she ends up HATING her daughter. Later, on the father leaves the daughter since he got HIS needs met. So later on the daughter start going for men who is *EXACTLY* the same way as the father. Then, the cycle continue...Very interesting... This stage also includes an exercise to reclaim the pre-school child.

I feel like this expressing my feelings and _identifying my feelings_ is a* BIG *problem for me. My therapist always tells me I avoid and block my feelings plus I normally can't identify how I feel. Recently, I been able to do that more since I started doing reiki and meditating again (to work on my self-awareness).

In *part 6*, it is about reclaiming your *school age*. The Index of suspicion involves high level of fear of making a mistake, feeling bad/ugly, don't do any new activities unless you can be perfect at it etc. He discuss these stage will reappear in life. And we will go through them all. Also, like always this stage involves an exercise like always.

From *part 4 to 6*, the exercise was the most *crucial *and helpful part to me. Since most of the information I already know or I heard something SIMILAR about them in the other *MATERIAL *(Bradshaw on family).


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

I'm still doing the work. I have recently finished homecoming. I will be posting it soon. I haven't finish writing about it.


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## DrPlease (Dec 5, 2011)

Thank you for the information rombow. I will have to start reading those you listed.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Keep it going, this is amazing...and hopefully some people will realize that the only way to overcome SA is through first realizing where it comes from and then working hard to destroy it.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

rymo said:


> Keep it going, this is amazing...and hopefully some people will realize that the only way to overcome SA is through first realizing where it comes from and then working hard to destroy it.


at first I tho it was BS. But I realize it isnt. It really help release the STRESS. It help not playing the BLAME game and other activities that allows the person to worry and stay depressed.



DrPlease said:


> Thank you for the information rombow. I will have to start reading those you listed.


Yea definitely. Try to get john Bradshaw material in book form. If you have the option to do so.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Update: I'm still doing the work. My internet is down right now so I cant post the new information about my progress... Right now, im at the end of *healing the shame that bind you.*


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Im back.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

This post is referring to "*Homecoming*"

In *Part 7* it is called championing new permission. It is basically being the guardian and parent of the inner. Be that child role model and savoir&#8230; It have many information is helpful me such as* Four P's *(potency, permission, protection etc) & *New nurturing rules* . Four P is what needed to fix the inner child. That builds confidence for the child. Nurturing rule is basically just some rules you need to remember to be yourself such as trust your eyes, express what you REALLY feel and more. It is basically the same information he provided in* Bradshaw on family*( I believe it was called freedom rules when he listed what makes a person normal when they can express what they feel rather than what they SHOULD express. ) with a little bit of new information like develop conscience. It is when you have values that you live by. There are 7 rules for it. I will only say 4 of em : Value what you stand for, accept the consequences, you have chosen it, you prize and cherish it, you're willing to display it anywhere etc.

There is an exercise called redoing child scene. It is going back to the past even and redo the scene. That makes that moment less harmful. I did it. I think it was helpful. I'm not sure since I don't think I had the right qualities for it. But I will I try it again. Another thing is, I have bad memories. I think I have repressed 80 percent of my childhood. So this exercise is kinda impossible for me to do at the moment&#8230;I know I can do it later since I have started meditating and reiki. I think will enhance my spiritual side and physical. That will give me a chance to get my MEMORIES back. J

In *part 8* it is part 2 of *championing new permission*. But it is working on protecting and practicing for the inner child. He has some materials and information that was very helpful such as *visual dialogue*, writing dialogue. This is an exercise visual exercise for the inner child. I think it help being the potency, granting new permission and protecting the child. Also, he has more exercise that involves reclaiming the inner child. It is called new learning. It is each stage for the inner child such as infancy, toddler, Pre School and school age. Ok here are some examples for the infancy stage: listen to baby music, stare at your significant other, have a friend feed you etc. There are like about 7 different exercises per stage.

Personally, I have not really been focusing on any of these exercises YET. I know will in the future. Just like recently I have been focusing on some of the material about the roles in *Bradshaw on family*. I been doing visual dialogue tho, I have seen some changes in life such as me being more aware of my feelings and I been stopping them too. For example, recently I was around my sister female friend, I was nervous and disappointed. I was disappointed BECAUSE I was nervous lol. So I nervous for a while and I just started saying to myself F it. I shouldn't be feeling this way. Then I started telling myself nobody is better than me, why act like this. It is pointless. So I engaged in conversation with her. I started it. I think I ask her where she came from or whatever. I cracked a couple of jokes etc.

In *part 9*, he talks about supraconscious mind and how it helps to find the wonder child. I believe supraconscious mind is a spiritual divine type of mind in each of us. Bradshaw have about 5 Energetic Emergences that display and help find the wonder child such as dreams, hunches, Synchronicity etc. He said our WOUNDED child is full of negativity. Since the wounded child is messed up, the wounded child aint the one pushing you to recovery. It is impossible for it to do so. So, he believes that SM inside of us is pushing up to recovery. Also, he has an exercise to help enhance creativity.

I personality believe in things like this. So I didn't really feel it was useful for me except the exercise.

In *part 10*, bradshaw believe inspire the viewer to hang in there and dont give up. He use divine child in exile to somewhat explain it. And he also includes an exercise to help you find your purpose in life.

I didnt get much from this part. It was probably becuz I was tired and they didnt have any new *EXCITING *information.

The next material I'll be working on his "*Healing the Shame That Bind You*" from John Bradshaw. I really don't want to read it cuz I'm tired of Bradshaw stuff (I'm just tired still learning his information.) but I know it is the rational choice. I'm doing it since the *Homecoming *and Bradshaw on family video/audio series isn't fully accurate like his books. So I want use one of his materials that I have as a book to help polish up all the other information I got from him.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

So on *December, 13, 2011* in the night, I was analyzing my results of what occurred 2day. So, I went to the hospital. I was a little pissed going there because I knew I would be late if there is anything mess me up. So, when I got there I felt I was good. I wasn't gunna have much problems. But I was wrong. When I approached the elevator, I saw an army of people waiting for the elevator. I was OMG cmon, this gunna make me late. Dam it. So, I spend a good 30 seconds thinking about what to do, then I said imma use the stairs. So, a few more BS occurred which made me late but it is whatever (I convinced myself later in the hospital that it is ok to be late).

So, after I made them know I'm present for my appointment, I immediately went to the bathroom. Next, I came back, waited a bit. After, they call me in, I started a quick conversation with the nurse (I was pretty shock afterward that I still had this ability AGAIN. It wasn't as strong as it was back in *March - July.* But it was still something). So yea it was almost like she was gunna hit on me if I stay there any longer (but that wasn't my goal. Nor, did I care much about that.). So, after the hospital appointment, I went to the pharmacy (btw, I went to the hospital for my eczema.) I started another convo that day, this time it was with the lady behind the cash registrar in pharmacy area (I forgot the name of those people. Prolly a pharmacist or something like that.). So, I said something that made her feel extremely comfortable to be creative. It was like I open the door for her to be youngness again. To have fun. She was being EXTREMELY creative. It was alright. Her creativity wasn't my cup of tea. I'm more of the black tea type.

So, anyway my point is this, I'm not on any *CBT* like I was on before, I'm on these materials, meditation and I have a therapist and I'm pretty shock of how I acted in some of these situation when I'm not on CBT. For instance when I'm normally at the hospital if I aint on CBT, if I dont know where they nurse or doctor going to call me in, I normally dont go to the restroom ASAP. Well not ASAP, it took me about 5-10 secs to make up my mind to go to the restroom. The* NORMAL *me would have been having a *LONG *mental conversation like " man they prolly gunna call me soon. " "Man no they wont. Just go man!!! Dont waste time". It would have been a bit longer. U get the picture? It prolly would have taken me 5 mins to say NO just hold it or go.

And the stair part too, I would have been waiting there and staying feeling *EMBARRASSED* that I was going to be the ONLY ONE taking the stair by myself. It took me about 30 seconds to make up my mind. Compare that to my normal me, lol that's a different story. It would be a 3-5 mins swearing scene. I like how short it was. 

O ya the two female I had a conversation with, I was shock on my charisma. I had this more back in March - July. I'm pretty impressed how the conversation flowed. I liked it. The 1st convo I could have went all day. Now, the 2nd one, I didnt want to go. Basically, I felt I had a HIGH level of control compare to the normal me. 

Also, I came to the conclusion the *CBT* that I was on prior to this is somehow helping me but I dont know how tho. I'm trying to find out how tho. It is helping out ALOT without even reading it 30 mins everyday. I dunno how.

*P.S.* If anybody go thru these two methods like me, dont be suprise if you dont have the same comfortable situation like I did. I somewhat have good social skills since I experience it back in March-July. In some of these situations I just needed to feel that old comfort self to spark up the convo and I did.  I didnt had to continue the convo with that nurse and I didnt had to say that silly creative stuff to that lady working in the pharmacy.


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## Lifetimer (May 16, 2004)

Rombow, I like checking in to your thread from time to time to see how things are going. I'm glad to see you are still following your plan. After doing your inner work, be sure to put that inner work to practice by interacting with people and also interacting with life in general. You can maybe even consider doing all this _while_ you are doing your inner work - as long as you feel you are ready for it and that you do it a little at a time (not too much at once).

Congratulations on your positive interactions with the lady at the hospital and the one at the pharmacy! I think this can be seen as some progress. But also remember that life sometimes has setbacks, so don't be discouraged if sometimes you are not at your best around others. Keep moving forward. But I am glad to see you are having positive experiences with people.

You say that the CBT that you did in the past (but are no longer doing) may have helped you with those 2 women you interacted with, along with the other events that you mentioned in your post. Yes, that is a possibility. However, I think it is also just as possible that the John Bradshaw books & videos - and the info about toxic shame in my thread - very well have had an equal (if not more) impact than the CBT. Maybe the CBT did help, maybe it didn't. I obviously don't know for sure. But, from all you've written, I do know that the toxic shame material is more fresh on your mind than CBT, because you've been following it more the past couple of months or so. If anything, I think by studying the toxic shame info (which is a part of your inner work) it is helping you to get it into your subconcious, and that of course is a good thing. My opinion is that it could explain some of the positive experiences you've had lately.

Of course you still have a ways to go before being completely healed of your toxic shame and SA, but I do think you are making a good start!

Lifetimer


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Thanks. Im thinking about going back to the HOMECOMING and work and do those exercise more. I think that is VERY critical. I haven't really did the work. I may do it while doing NMMNG. I dunno.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

Well, I'm still doing the work. I'm reading Journey through Heartbreak from Susan Anderson. I will not read the whole thing since it mostly focus on relationship but part of it focus on abandonment. Also, I'm still doing the homecoming exercise. I do it about 2 times a week... Oh yea I started doing CBT again but nothing major. I read like one CBT that is mini reading that is about 30 secs long every day. I do it to just make my recovery a lil bit eeasier... I will write about Journey to heartbreak connection here. I dont know when tho since I'm very busy.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

I dont think I'll be posting my process and information about the books. Im too busy to do so. O well, I tried. Anyway, im still doing the work and seeing results. Nothing going to stop me from doing it. Peace out people.


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