# Problems Making Eye Contact



## ThrashtilDeath (Mar 21, 2009)

This is one of the biggest problems with my anxiety. I honestly don't think i've been able to look someone in the eye for more than 5 seconds in the 10 or so years that i've had this condition. It just doesn't feel _right_.

If i'm attempting to have a conversation with someone, I find myself trying so hard to concentrate at looking at their eyes that I'm not able to take in anything they're saying. My mind is frozen. I have to look away every other second just to let my mind process what was just said.

I can only _really_ listen when my eyes are somewhere else. It's actually a double-edged sword in a way....if i'm looking someone in the eye, then they think i'm listening to them (in reality, I won't be able to remember most of what is said) but if I look away because I actually _am_ trying my best to listen, they assume (I would too) that my mind is somewhere else, or to go further....that i'm being a complete a-hole because I have no interest in what they have to say. It's so frustrating.

Sorry, this post ended up being really repetitive, but I think I got my point across.

So who else has trouble with this? Any methods for overcoming it?


----------



## Nights (Mar 7, 2009)

I have that problem, but I don't have any methods right now.


----------



## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

I have this problem a lot, too, actually.
I like eyes, so while it's hard to look into them, it's also hard to not look into them. 
I've started focusing on the eye color or the iris and not look at the person's entire face. It does take a moment or two to be able to do this(I have to get over my anxiety and not focus on their entire face and whatever expression is on it), but it enables me to look into the person's eyes, look interested, and be able to focus on what's be said instead of looking somewhere else.
Not sure if that can help, but it's something I do.


----------



## Biscuit (Mar 20, 2009)

I know what you mean about it not feeling .right. 
It seems so unnatural. I can't even l;look my family members in the eye.

One thing that works is, if you're not standing too close, is the look at the face as a whole, kind of unfocused. Look at the face as one big block rather than made up of eyes, nose, mouth, etc.

Of course, this does make you look a bit spaced out, but it also makes you look more attentive than just looking away. If you're too close to them, this doesn't work...you end up being cross-eyed


----------



## ThrashtilDeath (Mar 21, 2009)

Maybe if I just challenge everyone to a staring contest when I first meet them, it'll help me get used to extended periods of eye contact 

:idea


----------



## staystrong12 (Mar 11, 2009)

if i have something in my hand its easier to make eye contact for some reason...like if im playing with my bracelet im focusing on that even though im looking at the person....hope this helps


----------



## sidekick (Mar 20, 2009)

OMG, yes! Eye contact is so confusing. I'm sure I seem so shifty because I look all around and everywhere. If I'm really focusing, I'll stare at the wall or something. And then if I relax and make eye contact, it's okay until I realize that *gasp* I'm making eye contact! And then everything goes downhill from there.

I have no clue how to overcome it.. I guess if you know someone that you can tolerate having eye contact with, then practice with them, at least until you can either fake eye contact or fake being comfortable with eye contact.


----------



## david90 (Mar 21, 2004)

I believe the right way to make eye contact is to do it about 70% of time when talking to somebody. 100% eye contact is too strange and uncomfortable. Just look at them for 5 sec and look away to something else.


----------



## ThrashtilDeath (Mar 21, 2009)

After a few seconds it starts to feel like I'm intensely studying their eyeballs or something, instead of just looking at them, you know? Like I'm in some sort of creepy eyeball trance, and if they notice, they'll think I'm a total freak.

What is wrong with me :con


----------



## flickaflicka (Jul 8, 2008)

When I was younger I could barely, barely make eye contact. I've gotten better at it just by years and years of practice. I still have trouble with it. Keep on doing it and it'll slowly come to you. I like the 70/30 idea. I think that's a good proportion.


----------



## Tнᶓ ᶂuturε Iѕ ɳош » (Dec 23, 2008)

I can/do look in people's eyes when I'm having a conversation with them. It's not so bad and I also look away every few seconds because I don't want the person to think I'm a creep that is just staring at them the entire time. Do you have a stress ball you can squeeze to calm you down and make you feel less uneasy? Try breathing slowly and steady. Maybe that could help you. 

When I'm walking down the street not conversing with anyone, I stare at the ground or try to look at other objects without meeting eyes. Sometimes I force myself to look straight ahead and all around even if I meet eyes with ppl and it's very uncomfortable. What I do to endure it is, I breathe in & out slowly and steady and I smile. When I breathe and smile, this calming sensation comes over me. I may look rather weird smiling for no reason but who cares? It makes me feel better.


----------



## ContactProb (Apr 9, 2009)

*i have the problem too*

I am also having the same problem. I unable to make eye contact except with people with whom I am comfortable with (close friends, family members). This is particularly difficult while I am listening to the other person. I will become very conscious of him observing me. I could not concentrate while making an eye contact and could not make eye contact while trying to concentrate. This is effecting my profession very badly. Surprisingly if am very involved in the discussion and if I did not become conscious of my weakness, I will be able to make eye contact very easily. I never had this problem before I came to USA. I work hard and I respect every one. This problem is bothering me a lot and effecting my confidence to have proper communication with others. How can I get out of this problem. Again my problem is very persistent while listening to the other person. Because of this I often try to keep talking rather giving the other person a chance to speak. I have this problem both men and women. Any one who can help me identify my problem and give me a suggestion to deal with is greatly appreciated.


----------



## Code of Honor (Apr 8, 2009)

I tend to look kind of away often during conversations (which causes them not to last very long). If anything, I look at the nose or something. Eyes scare me.


----------



## tigerlilly (Mar 30, 2009)

i have this problem too. and i can't let my eyes wander because i feel like people must think i'm a liar if i shift my gaze too much when i talk, but i can't look them in the eye because it makes me nervous... if i stare at one thing i can concentrate, but it makes me look spaced out and if i do that for too long i end up really BEING spaced out.


----------



## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

I had a flatmate who couldnt' look me in the eye, he always looked off to the side during conversations. I just thought "Oh well, he's shy, not to worry." I suppose some people might be less understanding?

I don't have a big problem with eye contact myself, though I do think about it, how much contact I'm making and if it's correct. 70/30 sounds good. Is there anyone you can trust and talk about this with? Maybe they would let you practice on them?


----------



## Graye (Jan 21, 2009)

I use to have this problem until about 2 and a half years ago. Turns out my supervisor noticed, and said something about it on my last day there. He wasn't the first to say something, but I actually listened that time, and started forcing myself to make eye contact. The only time I look away now is if I'm thinking really hard or trying to remember something during a conversation.

While I can empathise, it really does bother me when I'm talking to someone and they're not making eye contact. Am I hiedous, or is there something wrong? Ok, I know the answer to that, but now I know how I made other people feel.


----------



## Pauloo11 (Nov 27, 2009)

I have the same problem as ThrashtilDeath, I find making eye contact very uncomfortable. I also have the same problem as Biscuit--the problem is so bad I can't really look my family members in the eye either. Part of it is probably shyness and more specifically self-consciousness. Sometimes you can focus too much on making eye contact--I do and usually I try too hard to make eye contact and just end up staring like an obsessed stalker or crazy person. I probably don't need to tell you what a lifetime of that has done in terms of relationships and career prospects. I always find that having something in my hands does help a little. Trying to actually listen to and absorb what is being said and kind of trying to step outside yourself a little and be less self conscious I think is the key. But how to do this? Medication maybe?


----------



## Dominic83 (Nov 5, 2009)

david90 said:


> I believe the right way to make eye contact is to do it about 70% of time when talking to somebody. 100% eye contact is too strange and uncomfortable. Just look at them for 5 sec and look away to something else.


I concur. By maintaining eye contact for a few seconds, and then looking away very briefly means they're far less likely to think that something is up.



Tнᶓ ᶂuturε Iѕ ɳош »;875273 said:


> When I'm walking down the street not conversing with anyone, I stare at the ground or try to look at other objects without meeting eyes. Sometimes I force myself to look straight ahead and all around even if I meet eyes with ppl and it's very uncomfortable.


I do exactly the same, staring at the ground lessens the anxiety of being surrounded by people I don't know. But if I do accidentally catch eye contact with someone, I look away in an instant, they must think I'm a bit weird!


----------



## solitarian (Nov 14, 2009)

ThrashtilDeath said:


> I can only _really_ listen when my eyes are somewhere else. It's actually a double-edged sword in a way....if i'm looking someone in the eye, then they think i'm listening to them (in reality, I won't be able to remember most of what is said) but if I look away because I actually _am_ trying my best to listen, they assume (I would too) that my mind is somewhere else, or to go further....that i'm being a complete a-hole because I have no interest in what they have to say. It's so frustrating.


I know exactly what you mean. When I look at someone in the eyes, I find it hard to concentrate on what they are actually saying because I am so focused on making eye contact. It is amazing how much of what people say I miss. It's like mental deafness.


----------



## illlaymedown (Oct 6, 2009)

I have been purposely forcing myself to do this lately, ever since I found out my problem was an actual disorder and it does feel awkward quite a bit. Something that helps me is looking in between their eyes so it seems you're looking in their eyes but you actually aren't. The center doesn't seem so threatening to me.


----------



## ready (Sep 2, 2009)

I got a lot better by looking at myself in the eyes in a mirror, and practicing with people when I felt comfortable. 2-3 months later, the fear has decreased quite a bit and I can make eye contact when I need to without feeling fear. I was kind of forced to learn how to do this because I need to do this in school and in my job in the not too far future. Hopefully looking at people properly will become second nature in the next few months.


----------



## BeautifulGunStucknHolster (Oct 29, 2009)

Yeah whatever you do don't force yourself I've done that and you can tell it freaks people out lol


----------



## Frustrated41S (Sep 6, 2010)

I hate it that I have this problem. Esp with women b/c I think they think I'm staring at their chest and I'm gay or something. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but I'm just not interested in that....I'm just trying to have a conversation. I wish I could beat this.


----------



## Wondering Eyes (Aug 30, 2010)

I have that problem, but I still can't make eye contact :blank


----------



## TheGreatPretender (Sep 6, 2010)

I don't have a problem with making eye contact, but it feels forced to me. When I try to make eye contact, I'm always wondering "am i looking too long?" I don't know how long is appropriate. Also, I don't know where else to look at when I'm not making eye contact. Does anyone know?


----------



## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

TheGreatPretender said:


> I don't have a problem with making eye contact, but it feels forced to me. When I try to make eye contact, I'm always wondering "am i looking too long?" I don't know how long is appropriate. Also, I don't know where else to look at when I'm not making eye contact. Does anyone know?


I don't know man, I usually just focus on something in the distance but then I think I either look like a psycho, a daydreamer, annoyed or bored, usually I'll look back at someone and catch them staring at me.


----------



## breakthesky (Sep 6, 2010)

I try to look right in the middle of their forehead. I can just focus on that, but from their point of view it looks like I'm looking into their eyes.


----------



## johndenver (Nov 15, 2010)

*ditto*

Well I'm glad I found this forum. I have had horrific problems with eye contact in the last few years. When I was a kid I never had any trouble with the subject, and quite frankly I didn't think twice about it. Now I think about it every time I talk to a person, and it doesn't matter if they're a friend or family, or stranger. I would largely contribute the cause to be an extreme over conciousness of eye contact. At first it was mild, there were only a few people that I got self concious about eye contact with. Eventually I was afraid to make eye contact with anybody and I would always look away. Then I tried too hard to look at people and would catch myself staring. I have tried every trick in the book from squinting to exaggerating facial expressions. Chewing gum actually helps out, anything that can distract me from focusing on it helps. I also find that in certain situations I have more trouble than others. If I am listening to some one and can't talk I uncontrollably focus on eye contact. If I am close quarters with a lot of people I also freak out in that situation and look away a great deal. What helps me the most is having people recognise this problem I suffer with, and to explain the problem to people. This has really hurt me socially, I can't go to school because of it, I struggle to find jobs because of it, I even have problems with my family because of it. I'm praying that more people notice and or there is a miracle medication out there.


----------



## bseskhpdckhp (Nov 17, 2010)

*eye contact*

hai boss iam having the same probelem do u have any remadey on it pls in form me i am realy suffering a lot


----------



## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

I hate it also when people look at me in the eyes, except if it was a girlfriend/wife. It feels like an invasion of my privacy. Like they're checking me out. I hate when they look at me too intensely, period. I think this is part of my mild BDD? 

My father is the best because he never looks at me closely. He makes me feel very comfortable. He doesn't look at anyone very closely. I find it almost respectful? My mother is the opposite. She has serious BDD and she checks you out (and herself) like a hawk, for every little flaw. She drives me crazy, at times and makes me feel uncomfortable. 

I think the eyes are one part of your body that should be private except to people very close to you. It's like walking around nude in the locker room and the person is staring right in your crotch. It seems disrespectful and annoying. Maybe I'm weird for thinking this?


----------



## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

Kon said:


> I hate it also when people look at me in the eyes, except if it was a girlfriend/wife. It feels like an invasion of my privacy. Like they're checking me out. I hate when they look at me too intensely, period. I think this is part of my mild BDD?
> 
> My father is the best because he never looks at me closely. He makes me feel very comfortable. He doesn't look at anyone very closely. I find it almost respectful? My mother is the opposite. She has serious BDD and she checks you out (and herself) like a hawk, for every little flaw. She drives me crazy, at times and makes me feel uncomfortable.
> 
> I think the eyes are one part of your body that should be private except to people very close to you. It's like walking around nude in the locker room and the person is staring right in your crotch. It seems disrespectful and annoying. Maybe I'm weird for thinking this?


I also find it disrespectful and annoying..unless its a hot girl staring at me.


----------



## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Josh90 said:


> I also find it disrespectful and annoying..unless its a hot girl staring at me.


I both hate and like that because of even more pressure. But it's kinda funny at the same time because that's usually the time I smash into a pole/side-walk or trip over my shoe laces.


----------



## Grooveshark (Oct 6, 2010)

I can only look someone in the eyes if I'm caught of guard.....pooooooo  
wish I was caught of guard all the time then


----------



## Rubisco (Nov 20, 2010)

It can be very nerve wracking to look directly into someone's eyes, but a trick I've found is to look at their nose-bridge instead-- the other person will perceive it as eye contact nonetheless.


----------



## noticeublind (Nov 22, 2010)

I always had a problem with eye contact. The only people that I feel comfortable looking in the eyes for long periods of time would be my closest family members and friends. 

It just makes me nervous. I just feel so awkward, and I don't really know what to do.


----------



## beatlesgirl (Nov 19, 2010)

Making eye contact is really hard for me just like what Thrashtildeath said, "
I can only really listen when my eyes are somewhere else. It's actually a double-edged sword in a way....if i'm looking someone in the eye, then they think i'm listening to them (in reality, I won't be able to remember most of what is said) but if I look away because I actually am trying my best to listen, they assume (I would too) that my mind is somewhere else, or to go further..."

Many people said that I was rude and impolite.. But I can't help it.. I can't make eye contact with people for more than 3 seconds.. Its hard, even with my family... When I'm not staring at them, I really am listening..


----------



## claire25 (Apr 5, 2011)

I have the exact same problem as the original post and its really getting to me now i dont know wht road to take im oo concious of people judging me. My bf wont judge me but its really hard with him and i hate it


----------



## Aldous (Mar 30, 2011)

I have the same problem but found much relief with an exercise i found in a self help book titled Ultimate Confidence. Basically, what you need in situations to prevent your mind from going blank while your looking people in the eyes is COMFORT. Thats what we lack right now, and thats why when we try to maintain eye contact, nothing is being retained and our mind is simply focusing on our anxiety and lack of comfort and worry about whether your eye contact is adequate or not. Now what we need is that comfort while looking at people, which will allow your brain to be much more absorbant of information and naturally you'll have more brain power and creativity to respond back the way you want. And your eye contact will also naturally be better, because when you convey comfort through your body language, the person your talking to will also unconsciously reciprocate comfort back, making you much more comfortable and more able to look at someone and be perfectly at ease with your listening skills and responses perfectly at your disposal. Here's how it works:

Find a family member or friend to be your partner in a starring game. Set a timer to 5 min and within that 5 min, sit across from your partner and look at each other's eyes, no where else, only the eyes. See if you can last 5 min without looking away, talking, or laughing(it can be very hard not to laugh the first time through lol). It will feel awkward, feel weird, but somewhere in the middle of feeling weird you are bound to find a degree of comfort and relaxation to be able to withstand the time as 5 min is quite a long time to look someone in the eyes. As you do this daily if possible, you will notice almost immediately how much easier it is when your looking at people. Your no longer so fixated on their eyes. Instead your looking into their eyes and concentrating on what they are saying and you find yourself at ease and responding back naturally with ease. Try it out and let me know how it works for you guys! The more you do it, the greater the effects.


----------



## mellamobrittney (Apr 5, 2011)

When I was a kid a had a major problem with looking people in the eye. I'm not sure when this changed, but now I don't have a problem with looking people in the eye when I'm listening to them speak. I actually find it pretty soothing to look someone in the eyes. However, when I'm the one who's speaking...if I look straight into their eyes for a prolonged amount of time, I lose track of what I'm trying to say. So, I've learned to look them in the eyes when I'm trying to get my main point across and occasionally look away to regain my thoughts. I don't know if that makes any sense. 
The reason why you don't really "hear" what someone is saying when making eye contact with them, is because you're mind is so consumed with the idea of maintaining the eye contact that it can't process anything else. The next time you talk to someone, tell yourself that you're going to look at them for say 25% of the conversation. This way, when you're having the conversation instead of all the thoughts floating around in your head telling you that "if you don't maintain eye contact with them 100% of the time, you're weird", you'll only be focused on the 25% and your mind will be a little more open to processing other information. At least this has helped me!=]


----------



## InMyDreams55 (Apr 1, 2011)

I use to have a problem looking people in the eye, but now i am slowly growing out of that. :boogie People say it's rude NOT to look at them when they speak to you, so i make an effort to look at them right in their eyes.


----------



## henix (Aug 15, 2011)

Have you ever given a test for asperger's or Autism? It might be your problem as it is mine.


----------



## booored (Jun 19, 2011)

i have this to. but mine isnt only when looking at people in the eye during conversations. i just have a problem with "looking" in general. i never know where to look. its hard to explain. like in the hallway, i dont know where to look so i just look down. ppl say i stare at them or something. and when im sitting in a circle for a group discussion or something, thats the worst, i dont know where to look, end up staring at ppl, then look down for the entire time. anywhere thats in public i cant look normally. even when not talking to someone. so even if i learn how to socialize ill never be able to because ive lost another social skill, looking normally. anyone else know what im talking about?


----------



## henix (Aug 15, 2011)

Of course, I am quite similar to you. I didn't mean that this is a direct result of Aspergers as you can read everywhere they are unable to make eye contact. What I guess is that it should be a result of OCD and Social anxiety and Anthropophobia, which are all included in potential side affects of Aspergers and Autism. What I'm thinking of is that "how probable is that you get all of these independently where there is another simple explanation for them"? 1 percent of people in the world have Autism, half of them not diagnosed.


----------



## windows of the soul (Sep 30, 2011)

*Eye to eye*

Me too i have this problem, but i know what caused it.. I feel i damaged my soul.. 
I was related with this beautiful woman some time ago and when it was time for eye to eye contact.. i failed. cannot do it. Especially when we hugg and our faces are so close.. One time when she came close to me and looked into my eyes, i quess i went crossed eyed and... i received a smak from her...when she saw this state of mine.
Last time about 2 months ago again i was in a 3 week relation and when it came down to eye to eye, i was getting crossed eyed, but this lady, she smiled...
Its the worst punishment not to be able to exchange a glance with your loved one.
Not to mention not being able hearing someone when i look in their..face. Me too i have to look elsewhere so that i can hear 
Can someone help? I feel i am cursed and punished by God


----------



## Hlw81385 (Oct 29, 2011)

I am completely shocked to find out that so many people deal with eye contact problems. I am 26 and the first time I remember feeling uncomfortable with eye contact was at age 21. I have experienced what many of the posters have. I am close to graduating college and I hope this doesn't interfere with my career. I have some time to work on it though. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start the deep breathing exercises. I would also like to try staring at either the bridge of the nose (as one person suggested) or the forehead (as another suggested). Of course, as many of you know, these things are easier said than done. I think so much when I am making eye contact and I make myself nervous over nothing. Honestly though, I am very thankful to all of you who posted on this topic. It just feels good to know that I am not the only one.


----------



## shalbaf (Mar 30, 2012)

Good, I'm not only one has such problem in the world....ok My solution is to forget you have eye contact problem an just listen what someone say.
Instead of thinking about how to make eye contact just think about subject somone is talking.


----------



## ronthetech (Aug 10, 2012)

*Can't make eye contact*

I can not believe how relieved I am to know that I am not the only person on the planet that suffers from poor eye contact. I read this thread and I was so excited that I wanted to tell all my friends in my sober living I knew what was wrong with me and that it wasn't that I didn't like them it. It was that I just have such low self esteem and a poor self image that I think they think I'm ugly and they don't want to look at me. I have had this problem I think since I have been a teenager. I shared this one time with a prominent psychologist and he said that I have OCD. I am 43 now and I AM STILL NOT USED TO IT. I am in agony all the time over it. The problem just won't go away. Is there any hope for me? mention it's worst with people who I feel inferior to and less when I'm trying to make a point or am speaking to a person about something I am passionate about or know the subject matter.


----------



## Nevermore82 (Aug 10, 2012)

In men's health they had a study that supposedly worked, if you stared st their nose while talking to them, they can't notice. To them your looking in their eyes.


----------



## Ramon (May 24, 2011)

Lol the part about not taking in what they're saying when you have to look at them in the eyes is so me :3 I thought I was just distracted by the ladys.


----------



## love guru (Nov 6, 2012)

*a different perspective*

I suffer from this, but i never use to. I understand why it happened to me so hopefully this may help some of you. It has been the most exhausting, painful and frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life. It use to happen everyday even with family, catching someones eye would just completely freak me out, but now it happens maybe once or twice a week, it is in my control and I have the ability to eliminate it.

ok so I think I have discovered that there are a few reasons:

*1. It is a direct reflection of my confidence level.*

I suffered a big emotional loss that resulted in a major loss in confidence. With the loss in confidence i lost my ability to communicate and my ability to look people in the eye. When i am fearful or uncertain it shows and other people pick it up.

*2. It is a direct reflection of my energy level and motivation to engage other people.*

Feelings of emptiness, sadness, loneliness, being misunderstood or demotivation impact on my ability to communicate.

Specifically with my emotional loss I lost my energy and motivation to engage other people in conversation. So when I am talking, although I do my best, I am more focused on how I am feeling and not focusing my efforts on giving my full attention and time to someone else because I feel empty and unable to do so.

*3. Its a result of an emotional blockage.*

Do you ever feel completely empty and unsympathetic when this is happening? I know i do, its a result of an emotional block or inability to really feel compassion for someone I am talking to. Again for me this was due to grief/loss where i completely lost my ability to feel and it takes a long time to get it back.

**It could also be due to any type of behavioural addiction that you are suffering withdrawal from. This played a major part in my emotional blockages that resulted in my inability to feel for others and therefore my ability to communicate.

*4. Its a result of being too focused on myself.*

I am far from a selfish person but again my setback left me completely emotionally numb that resulted in me monitoring how I feel from moment to moment waiting for me to feel good again. If i switch my focus to offering someone else my complete support and care for what they have to say then this goes away.

*5. Its a result of having poor focus.*

Remember its the thought that triggers the emotion. I find that my mind races with thoughts of being uncomfortable or judgemental of the other person that results in negative feelings. If i control my focus I block out the random thoughts and can concentrate on talking and listening.

*Steps to overcome:*

For me it is all about building my confidence back up again and mastering my emotions. If confidence can be lost then it can also be regained.

Start small, find things you do well and build on them, eventually expand it out to communicating well with others and engaging them with eye contact. Go easy on yourself, good things take time, celebrate the progress and get motivated by the setbacks.

I have found the better I get at controlling my emotions, releasing myself from my emotional blockages and focusing on things I am good at really helps me.

Choose your attitude. Make a game out of engaging people with enthusiasm and excitement, as they react positively you will have the confidence to engage them. Put a strong tone in your voice when you talk.

Establish a positive self image by focusing on things you are good at or want to be good at. Create a compelling future for yourself, something that excites you and make that your focus.

Eliminate fear and uncertainty through wisdom and insight.

Increase energy through a healthy diet and exercise.

Feeling nervous or anxious is also a problem. Lean to control and master your emotions. Practice meditation, write down how you feel in journals and try to establish some empowering beliefs.

And deal with negative emotions when they show up. There is no quick fix and no easy way out.

Its really a very strange and frustrating thing to have, but something that can always be fixed, although it is painful it very fascinating how our brains work and how things manifest in all different ways.

good luck guys and thanks for sharing, it helps a lot knowing I am not the only one!


----------



## The Sorrow (Aug 29, 2012)

In the middle of a conversation I just always forget to make eye contact, the after the dialog I remember it. This is so annoying :mum


----------



## yadx (Nov 2, 2012)

It feels really strange for me to make look someone straight in the eye when talking to them. I usually just take a quick glance(a couple of times throughout the conversation) at the person and then continue to look forward. Sometimes I feel more comfortable and am able to look at the person for a longer time, but other times I simply can't do it.


----------



## thatgirl77 (Mar 9, 2014)

*Help*

Hi everyone,

I have experienced exactly what all of you are discussing on this forum. Total obsession with eye contact and an inability to do it properly. I was stuck like that for 6 months and I have now overcome it almost completely and feel much better. I wanted to share what worked for me.

1) Stop trying to figure out how to make proper eye contact. You cannot do it while you are thinking about it. You have to let go. Your mind subconsciously knows what to do when you stop thinking about it. (Easier said than done I know) Your problem is not with making eye contact, you have a problem with ANXIETY. Once the anxiety is gone, the eye contact will come naturally.

2) Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Rather than thinking about how to make eye contact or worrying about it, try to think positive thoughts. (Ie: these people care about me, they won't mind if i make bad eye contact. I can't know that they're thinking badly of me, it's in my head) Instead of remembering all the times you sucked at eye contact, remember all the times you were good. Build them up in your mind. Go to therapy - they will teach you how to do this. I did and it really helped me. Instead of picturing what could go wrong before an event, picture things going well. Build up you self-esteem to make yourself feel confident with positive thoughts.

3) To help relieve anxiety, EXERCISE. Yoga especially has helped me to overcome anxiety. Running is also really great. This is key and very simple. Do not put pressure on yourself for your anxiety to disappear right away. It may take time and a regular exercise regime. The point is not to overthink, but to relax.

4) Meditation. Good food. Get a good sleep. Avoid drugs.

5) The most important thing is to stop trying to figure it out, what it is, where it came from, how eye contact is properly done, and let it go.

I really hope this can help everyone, because I remember what a hell it was. It IS possible to get over it. Just because you are anxious now doesn`t mean you`ll be anxious forever.


----------



## One Man Band (Jan 7, 2014)

I always do the forehead/eyebrow trick. I've always hated having to make LONG eye contact, it makes me feel weird. I always think that when I'm looking into someone's eyes for too long, it has kind of a sexual undertone, which is what I'm not trying to do (for the most part.)


----------



## Baltimore (Jul 17, 2014)

*Fight or Flight*

Have you ever noticed that large eyed animals always make eye contact. How does a dog know to look me in the eye rather than stare at my elbow or knees or whatever part of my body is closest to them? But, when you go to zoo the gorillas all stare off at about a 45 degree angle but are also very aware of our presence. What I've concluded is we tend to look more into the eyes of those that we feel are not a threat and less on those that we feel to be a threat. The conclusion being, that dogs typically do not feel threatened by us while gorillaz are aware enough to feel threatened. Being that humans are part of the animal kingdom, I believe all this applies to humans too.

What I believe the uncomfortable feeling people notice when they look into someone's eyes is a fight or flight response which causes cortisol and adrenaline levels to rise. What I suspect is happening here is areas in the brain associated with determining if someone is a threat have not developed fully through healthy socialization. That is, that someone in your past especially when you were very young who you completely trusted violated that trust or maybe a parent was inconsistent in their behavior of always being good or always being bad. What has happened is an inhibited ability to measure if someone is good/bad, threat or not threat which now causes the fight or flight response even if it's not necessary. The reason we can make eye contact so easily when we have a lot of confidence is our opioid system is overriding the fight or flight response. That is why confidence can help but we can't live off opioids alone. If you want to make eye contact with someone, in your head ask yourself if they are a threat or not. If not, tell yourself, "they are not a threat". You should feel yourself begin to relax. You should continue to tell yourself, "they are not a threat" over and over until you feel the uneasiness go away. The brain is a powerful organ and can control chemical responses in your body with thoughts alone. Overtime, this will allow you to better associate threat from non-threat and will improve your ability to relax and make eye contact where wanted.


----------



## sweetSacrifice (Dec 23, 2011)

I have the OP's problem like HELL. If i look into someone's eyes, its like his eyes are draining life away. I just get blank and damn nervous and can't think anything, not even responses to the convo.

So, this is how i partially deal with it:
* I blur my eyes. So, Im not actually looking at him, but he still thinks i am, in a wierd way.*


----------



## DGLimitless (May 8, 2014)

This is completely normal.

It would be weird if you spent the entire conversation looking a person in the eyes.


----------



## supersoshychick (Jun 4, 2009)

I have this issue....i just stare at their teeth instead of their eyes.


----------



## ExTankerDriver (Aug 21, 2014)

I have read or heard somewhere that making and keeping eye contact with strangers or people you do not know or people you feel uncomfortable around is basically normal.

I have also heard or read somewhere that having trouble making eye contact and keep the gaze for more than a few seconds is a sign of autism. If you look up autism it fits. I have trouble making/keeping eye contact with people I am unfamiliar with and or people that have a angry look to their eyes. When I encounter someone like this, I smile, nod, and/or say how you doing? Make them keep their eyes locked with mine. It takes practice, but if you force yourself to do it you can overcome this.

THE REAL PROBLEM IS AFTER YOU OVERCOME THE COMFORTABLENESS OF MAKING/KEEPING EYE CONTACT IS "WHAT POINT DO YOU BECOME A LEERING WEIRDO?" THAT IS "MY" OTHER PROBLEM. ROFL


----------



## FeelingAlone (Feb 1, 2005)

henix said:


> Have you ever given a test for asperger's or Autism? It might be your problem as it is mine.


what good will this do?
there's no cure


----------



## jazzpants86 (Mar 30, 2015)

oh yeah! right here! i hate it! its so bad i self medicate with alcohol so i CAN look at people in the eye...and i HATE drinking...it must be a deeply rooted belief within us...i already know mine: mine is that people don't like me....i have that deeply rooted within...but i was recently talking to someone and they said..you are essentially reading their minds upon meeting that they don't like you...You actually don't KNOW WHAT THEYRE THINKING....lets stop being psychics...ehheheheh...i know it's hard...we'll get through this


----------

