# Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's looks.



## saint liebowitz (Apr 17, 2004)

You know I've thought about this as for as long as I've been interested in having a relationship.

I really have always wanted an "attractive" person to date and I have been with a few that are, but now that I have a psuedo-girlfriend that is awesome in every way, but is overweight, it bothers me. I mean she is even attractive for being overweight, and I don't blame her for it, but it still just jumps out as a reason I don't want to be with her.

Now I love her, she is amazing, and definately want to stay friends no matter what, and I love every minute with her as a friend or as more, but this and her being somewhat smothering and clingy push me away alot.

So I don't know, do you guys think that I am just not liking how she looks because I'm trying to find an excuse to not be with her? Or has anyone else dealt with trying to overcome a feeling of disattraction based on how someone looks?

Any comment is appreciated, I'm just sort of floundering here.

-Colin


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## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

Go workout with her lay off the ho hos together or find a new girl.
If you say your on a diet and you go out to eat and get a salad, odds are she isnt going to order the super double deluxe with a king and biggie size fry and pop smothered in grease and fat.


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

I'm a little (okay, extremely) sensitive about weight issues. The standard for beauty people have been sucked into believing is disgusting. People don't describe me as fat, but I definitely have meat on my bones. My boyfriend tells me all the time that he doesn't like skinny girls, and I love him even more for it. Never EVER point out to an overweight girl that she's overweight. She already knows that, and pointing it out will just make her feel worse. And if her weight is the determining factor is whether you stay with her or not (I hope it isn't), then she shouldn't be with you. She should be with someone who doesn't judge how much troubles she's worth by how much she weighs.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Well, if you're not attracted to her because she's overweight, then there is no point in trying to hide the fact. I guess you can't really blame someone if they just aren't attracted to something.

Personally, -and this is the honest truth- I am more attracted to "chubby" girls than skinny girls. I don't mean morbidly obese, but I looooove girls with "meat on their bones" as they say. Not that I don't like skinny girls too, but like Mehitabel says, it's disgusting that people these days think that you have to be skinny to be attractive. I like all women, but of course there are a few things that I find unattractive; it's all personal taste. 

I don't know why I'm really even writing this, but I'm just saying that if you're a female, and you're maybe a bit chubby, don't feel like you have to lose weight just so someone will think you're attractive. There are guys out there that actually like that kind of thing. :stu


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## Rindy (Aug 11, 2004)

Njodis said:


> Well, if you're not attracted to her because she's overweight, then there is no point in trying to hide the fact. I guess you can't really blame someone if they just aren't attracted to something.


 :agree Unless your idea of overweight is not being Nicole Richie-skinny. Then it IS your problem. That's not the point I get from your post though. So don't feel guilty. A piece of advice: If you break up with her, DON'T tell her it's because you aren't attracted to her. Honesty is definitely not the best policy here. Just tell her you don't feel things are going anywhere. Some girls will immediately answer, "IT's becasue I'm fat, isn't it?" No matter how many times she asks that question (if she does at all), and no matter how annoyed you get, never ever tell her it's because she's overweight. She'd probably be less angry or hurt if you told her you met someone else. She'll eventually forget about something like that. But she will never, ever forget that some guy broke up with her becasue of her weight.

[/quote]I don't know why I'm really even writing this, but I'm just saying that if you're a female, and you're maybe a bit chubby, don't feel like you have to lose weight just so someone will think you're attractive. There are guys out there that actually like that kind of thing. :stu[/quote]

There are girls who like that about other girls, too.  I've seen lots of hot girls who aren't thin. But I guess that's beside the point. You're right, Lots of guys prefer bigger girls.


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

Does it seem like she is satisfied with her weight, or not? If she is looking to shed a few pounds, you might make a good support person for her.

Your topic mainly focuses on her weight, but since you also took the time to write about her personality traits that make you hesitant (smothering and clingy), then I'm guessing these are important issues for you too. Her occasional bouts of smothering might contribute to the reason you're not as physically attracted to her as you'd like to be.


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## OneSADClown (Apr 14, 2004)

honestly, i couldn't be with someone i don't find physically attractive. i don't mean a model body or anything, but that she had _some_ part of her body that i found captivating and uniquely beautiful.. the face is the most important aspect for me, the smile being the center piece.. as for everything else, it's really not _that_ important.. yes, she should have a feminine curve to her, pronounced breasts and hips, so i couldn't imagine being attracted to an overweight woman.. i don't mean like a few pounds overweight, but like 200+ or something.. just like i'd think twice of being with someone under 100lbs.. it's really very relative, but either too skinny, or too fat, it's not good.. it also depends a lot on the proportions of the girl, as chubby could be sexy on someone, but not as much on someone else..

i'd tell you to not be afraid of your feelings. if you really think you're not attracted to her, tell her so. it would be best for you both, so she doesn't think differently, and would avoid you future problems.


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## saint liebowitz (Apr 17, 2004)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

She's not satisfied with her weight, and I've been a good support (I think) for her losing it, and she's doing a great job there too.

Also I do love her smile so much, and her face, and her personality. It's just these little nagging things that keep me from really commiting to her, but this middle-ground has gone on for a while, and is bothering me... yet still not enough to break up with her.

I mind her weight, the smothering/clingyness, but the rest of her is so special it's hard to imagine losing it...

I guess I feel like I should just wait and see, and just wanted to get my feelings out there and see if anyone had anything that could help.

Anyhow, thanks for all your replies guys.

-Colin


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## Rindy (Aug 11, 2004)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



saint liebowitz said:


> She's not satisfied with her weight, and I've been a good support (I think) for her losing it, and she's doing a great job there too.
> 
> Also I do love her smile so much, and her face, and her personality. It's just these little nagging things that keep me from really commiting to her, but this middle-ground has gone on for a while, and is bothering me... yet still not enough to break up with her.
> 
> ...


Was she overweight when you met her? What initially made her attractive to you? And what is a pseudo-girlfriend?

It sounds like you genuinely care for this girl. If she gained the weight while you two were together, and your sexual attraction for her waned after that...that's understandable. Married men and women writer to dear Abby about the same issue all the time. If she discusses her weight with you and how much it bothers her, offering to work out with her is a really good idea...maybe the attraction would come back when she is at a healthy weight. I'm glad you're supportive of her efforts to shed the pounds, because it is HARD to lose weight. It's even harder for some people to muster the energy to go work out. I don't think the relationship is doomed. If you're looking for a long term girlfriend, or a wife, and she's a candidate, just remember, she's likely to gain the weight back, especially if she has kids. Maybe that kind of weight gain wouldn't bother you so much, but keep it in mind. 
As for the clinginess, her self-esteem is probably really low. She 's probably so happy to have someone that she worries she'll lose you.

You know, I've noticed that breakups and divorces tend to take about 30 pounds off of the average person (not everyone, for some it goes the other way). If you break up with her and she gets thin and hot (to your standards) and then you want her back, you probably wont stand a chance.

Anyway, good luck! and keep us posted.


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## saint liebowitz (Apr 17, 2004)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

"You know, I've noticed that breakups and divorces tend to take about 30 pounds off of the average person (not everyone, for some it goes the other way). If you break up with her and she gets thin and hot (to your standards) and then you want her back, you probably wont stand a chance. "

Ha. Damn maybe I should find a way to break up with her just for that?

But for real, she was overweight when I met her and that never stopped the chemistry/attraction from happening, and still doesn't. It's just the one thing I focus on when I think of why I don't want to be with her (which I don't think about all the time I'm with her, just enough for it to truly suck =P).

Oh and a psuedo-girlfriend is where I've actually broken up with her in the past (tried to really) but I keep going back to her and didn't really change anything except to say we were broken up.

So not my girlfriend, but she's the only girl I care about or spend time with in that way and I'm not going to mess around with anyone else. = psuedo-girlfriend


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## Rindy (Aug 11, 2004)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



saint liebowitz said:


> But for real, she was overweight when I met her and that never stopped the chemistry/attraction from happening, and still doesn't. It's just the one thing I focus on when I think of why I don't want to be with her (which I don't think about all the time I'm with her, just enough for it to truly suck =P).
> 
> Oh and a psuedo-girlfriend is where I've actually broken up with her in the past (tried to really) but I keep going back to her and didn't really change anything except to say we were broken up.
> 
> So not my girlfriend, but she's the only girl I care about or spend time with in that way and I'm not going to mess around with anyone else. = psuedo-girlfriend


Ahh....pseudo girlfriend= void filler. 

I'm just guessing, but your comment about focusing on why you don't want to be with her says just that. You don't want to be with her, but you don't want to take the chance on being alone. If you had true feelings for her, focusing on why you don't want to be with her wouldn't be entering your mind (unless she's an axe-murderer or something.)
I believe you care about her...but it doesn't sound like there's any future with her. You're not being fair to yourself or to her. Why waste your time with someone when you know deep down nothing will come of it? 
Do yourself and her a favor. End it. (Maybe wait until after the holidays though. Girls can't stand to be dumped before Christmas.) And don't sleep with her after you tell her or you'll never get rid of her. 
It's not a horrible thing to not be in love with someone. But don't drag out your boredom. You, and she, deserve happiness. Good luck!


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

Call me shallow if you want, but I couldn't deal with an overweight GF. I mean if she put on some weight, I'd stick around to give her time to lose it. But if it's not working or she's not putting forth the effort, then so long. Being physically attracted to someone is a really big deal for me. I seem to be even more visually stimulated than most guys.


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## Mehitabel (Oct 13, 2006)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



Futures said:


> Call me shallow if you want, but I couldn't deal with an overweight GF. Being physically attracted to someone is a really big deal for me.


And you couldn't be physically attracted to a girl who's not a stick?

You're shallow. :b


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



Rindy said:


> saint liebowitz said:
> 
> 
> > But for real, she was overweight when I met her and that never stopped the chemistry/attraction from happening, and still doesn't. It's just the one thing I focus on when I think of why I don't want to be with her (which I don't think about all the time I'm with her, just enough for it to truly suck =P).
> ...


 :agree


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



Mehitabel said:


> Futures said:
> 
> 
> > Call me shallow if you want, but I couldn't deal with an overweight GF. Being physically attracted to someone is a really big deal for me.
> ...


I like thin, as long as it's not the anorexic type thin.


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## AdamCanada (Dec 6, 2003)

*Re: re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's*



Futures said:


> Mehitabel said:
> 
> 
> > Futures said:
> ...


me to, im slim and healthy so id want a girl that is to.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

If you can't love her as she is, than she deserves someone who will.


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## saint liebowitz (Apr 17, 2004)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

Well, she isn't a void filler. And I know that's a pseudo-joke  but I want to clarify that it's not that I am with her now just to not be alone.

I don't want to be alone, but that's no reason to just be with someone for me. And as far as nothing coming from it, well, I don't think we're going to get married or move in or anything, but I do know we're going to keep having each other as support, love, friendship, no matter what happens. The relationship side of things really is not holding us back from all the great things that just happen as us two being friends together, and man, she is like the greatest person i've ever met in so many ways. (and I ain't no love sick person I'm tellin you, she's just peachy.)

I don't know if she is okay with how I can't commit to her as much as she wants. We've talked about it, and things have been pretty damn good since then, but I know deep down she wants more, and that doesn't work for me.....

but you know I don't think dating someone needs to lead to more than that, if you love somone, enjoy them, and grow because of them, why lose that when you have no wish to? that's the conclusion we came to. When the time is right, we'lll know it.

Anyhow, I have a job where I move to another country for half the year anyhow, and she's not staying in town for much longer. Not much chance of us staying together in the mid run, but in the long run I'll be seeing her again, and who knows? maybe things will be different.

Anyhow this has gotten totally off subject =D. I still feel petty about my feelings about weight and attractiveness, and dammit i don't know what to do about it. Arrrrrrrgh.

Is it just shallow? Or society's fault... is it something you can change? Maybe it isn't changing because I really don't want it to? what do you think..

Thanks for the comments again everyone.

-Colin


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

*re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*

If you stay in a relationship you're genuinely not satisfied with, you'll probably end up miserable. I'm not really sure what is or isn't shallow. If someone says they love someone who makes them laugh, or who is loyal and devoted, the cynic in me wonders whether we should exhalt being entertaining or having qualities we look for in a dog above being physically attractive :stu

Be honest with yourself and look at the whole person, including her looks, personality, and your shared interests. If there's something you really can't get comfortable with now it won't likely get better over time.


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## kimi1889 (May 11, 2005)

Personally, if her weight was the only thing bothering you, I'd say stay with her if you're happy. my kind of boyfriend (long story) is rediculously skinny, and I was afraid how I'd feel around him (what people would think about me, etc), and I spent time thinking, then I realized that he makes me happier than anyone I've ever been around, and that fact alone cancels out anything else. All that really matters is that when we're together, I feel like everything's right with the world (I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true). 
But it sounds like you're not happy with her for other reasons, as well. Perhaps you could spend some time figuring out what's really important to you in a relationship, and if she doesn't bring that, then she's just not the girl for you. However, if it's something you can work out, I'd suggest staying with it. That's just what I'd do. It all depends on what is right for you.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: Feeling petty over how you feel about your partner's loo*



saint liebowitz said:


> I really have always wanted an "attractive" person to date and I have been with a few that are, but now that I have a psuedo-girlfriend that is awesome in every way, but is overweight, it bothers me. I mean she is even attractive for being overweight, and I don't blame her for it, but it still just jumps out as a reason I don't want to be with her.


Saint L, look at what you've written about this girl: "awesome in every way...", "I mean she is even attractive for being overweight." It sounds to me that you are fishing for a reason not to be with her. I don't know if this comes from outside of yourself, as in "what will my peers think?," or from within, "I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with anyone right now."

I don't think it's superficial (shallow) to be concerned about another's looks. I have found that the average "average-looking" girl is somewhat friendlier than the average "knockout" girl, at least from my experiences.

It sounds as though you have found yourself a real winner, one who is likely to be overlooked by some on account of her weight. What matters most is how much physical attractiveness means to you, and to you alone. Forget what others may or may not think.

As you probably realize, not all overweight people are gluttons who can control their weight if they really wanted to. I married someone who is overweight but not obese, and she is not a glutton. And in my eyes, nobody in this world compares with her, supermodel or not.


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