# after 9 yrs of anxiety, I no longer have SA



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

I feel invincible b/c just this past weekend I conquered the last of my SA and did things I could never in my life dream of doing before. Everyone is affected differently by SA who has it and for me, meeting anyone in authority or whom I respect, meeting ppl who could possibly further my career (I have a great voice and have always wanted to be a singer), and holding a long conversation with eye contact and everything with an attractive member of the opposite sex, are the most difficult things for me to do. I can now do all of these things and tho I hesitate slightly before doing them, I am able to quickly get over it and do it anyway and then I am fine throughout the rest of the conversation, meeting.

I have had SA since i was 13, I am 22 now, will be 23 in 3 months. So I have had SA for 9 yrs and three months (I rememeber the specific incidents that led to me getting it and now just about the exact time It became actual SA, as opposed to shyness). When it was really bad I thought I'd never get over it and it was going to ruin my whole life. Now, it did take yrs. off my life (especially some important teen yrs.) but I am overjoyed to announce it is now gone for good! and I can start living finally.

My next goal is to get over depression (caused by the SA) by making friends and keeping myself from being alone in the house by myself (which I spent much of the past 9 yrs. doing).

I feel like I am finally going to be able to heal emotionally and recover from this.

1st step is to make some social contacts. Then I also want to go to school and get a degree and from there I can build my life up to where it should be by now, and catch up to where everyone else is at.


----------



## shy_chick (Sep 27, 2006)

Did you use CBT, how exactly did you get over it, and how long did it take?


----------



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

I realized I wasn't correctly evaluating the ppl around me and when I changed that the anxiety started to go away. If you notice, ppl don't ever really do anything bold or brave, they stay right in their comfort zone. I realized that trying really hard to be confident wasn't going to work. I can't just break into a situation trying really hard not to be shy. that makes it more like a challenge which adds anxiety. And other ppl are just going about their lives, they aren't facing challenges everytime they talk to ppl or do anything social or otherwise, they wouldn't do things that are a challenge...for the most part ppl want to stay in their comfort zone.

So I started watching ppl socializing and then tried to imagine what each person was thinking when they conversed. I watched their body language, tried to see what their motives were (a lot of this I did at night clubs, so it was pretty easy to see what ppl were after, friends, or hooking up etc.). I realized ppl are pretty basic and that they don't want to spend too much time worrying like we SAers do (we'd be the same way if we didn't have SA), they just wanted to get what it was they were after (most ppl are like this, ppl tend to be selfish by nature) and so if you act a little shy no one really cares, they are thinking along those lines and scarcely have room for other thoughts.

So basically I figured some basic things out about humanity and the thing that worked the best was replacing my thoughts in a situation with the thoughts the person I was watching would have in that situation (based on how they were acting, etc.) and thinking like that from then on.

Then I went and tried it out and put myself in all the situations that I had thought about for a while and I did fine  There are some that used to be really hard, but I managed to get thru all of them pretty good w/o looking awkward and came across just like aperson without SA would  So I am pretty proud of myself./


----------



## smiles (Nov 13, 2006)

Congratulations! I imagine it took you some consistent effort to get to where you are? When did you start actively trying to get over it?


----------



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

smiles, it didn't take as long as you might think. I started this about 6 months ago and had a date set where I was going to have myself do all the things I thought were impossibly hard (yes, all in the same day) and then told myself consistently, everyday, "I am going to do this, I can do this". 

kind of like when I was a kid I was afraid to jump off one of those high platforms at the pool...I would jump off the high dive, but the platform was much higher and I was scared...well we only went to that particular pool that had the platform one time and I missed my chance, later was mad and told myself if I ever got the chance to do it again I would definitely jump...So I told myself over the course of a few years that I would definitely jump and a few yrs later I got the opportunity to go to another pool with a platform and because I had consistently told myself I was going to jump, I ended up having the courage to jump, though I was a little scared...It was worth it though and a lot of fun and I wondered what I had been so afraid of the 1st time.


So as I was telling myself this everyday I also started getting the tools I needed to do it, started correcting the thoughts in my head from watching ppl and evaluating what they were thinking and started realizing things were a lot easier than they looked to me (my SA kind of warped my thinking to make everything look difficult or impossible when really other ppl were acting like it's no big deal so I found out it must be easy, for them to be acting like that and discovered I was really making things more difficult for myself).
I also started focusing on my good qualities w/o feeling the lack of self esteem that my SA was causing. I realized I am an intelligent, attractive person, etc., etc. (listed my qualities to myself) and that I had been letting the SA effect my self worth (I would always say, I am attractive, BUT...who's going to date someone attractive who has SA and can't keep eye contact or keep up a conversation, etc., etc.). 


So I let myself just have the positive self worth of being attractive and didn't let the SA take that away from myself. I realized that it is true ppl would notice I was attractive even if I had SA, they wouldn't let that take away the fact that I was attractive and they would even still be attracted to me dispite the SA (!) and when I tried it out, I found it to be true ! People were still attracted to me and were drawn to me b/c of it and ppl even wanted to like me and if I was particularly shy in a conversation, I realized they might think something was up with me that day (having a bad day) and they would actually wish I would talk to them more b/c they wanted to like me and also it wouldn't be that big of a deal b/c if I did better the next day and talked a little more to them, they wouldn't hold it against me that I hadn't talked much/acted shy the day before (I always think ppl are more critical than they really are, but have discovered you can act really shy or whatever and ppl will give you another chance and even if you do this a lot they still will as they aren't as critical of us as we our of ourselves.)


So I let myself focus on my qualities, even reasoning that if I still had SA, I was still attractive/whatever quality I had and that still meant something to ppl (This one surprised me) Like if you have SA but are also intelligent, ppl still notice that you're smart and admire you for it (and ppl not so blessed with whatever talent you have still get jealous also) !! Isn't that crazy? It's really, really true but it's something I never knew before.


----------



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

I should probably say this too...if you try and convince yourself to do something or that you can do something the day you are trying to do it, it is much harder and seems impossible, but if you keep telling yourself that everyday you start to get used to the idea that you have to do it lol and then you start thinking you can...like when I tried to get myself to jump that day I couldn't even though I really wanted to jump and tried to convince myself, but persistently telling myself that over time worked.

Persistently telling myself I was going to overcome my SA by doing things that used to seem almost impossible and setting a date (it wasn't an exact date b/c counting down the days adds anxiety, but I said approx 6 months) helped me have the courage to do it. 

I really Hope my success story can lessen some of the difficult stuff I know you all are going thru with SA.


----------



## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

Sounds like you've managed to curtial your depression as well, it certainly shows in you writing. As you mentioned your depression was the result or consequence of not being social and poor thought patterns. My issue and (I believe others as well) is continuing a productive mental process. It's quite easy to become depressed when you're alone (or feel alone) 

I have had successful moments, where, I was able to counteract self-deprecating thoughts, but it seems I am led back.. self-afflicting thoughts have an addictive quality to them, which temporarily pacify. And "verify" that stepping outside my comfort zone is bad.


That's great you have been able to move beyond anxiety inducing situations-- it is tough.


----------



## smiles (Nov 13, 2006)

sherbert said:


> I have had successful moments, where, I was able to counteract self-deprecating thoughts, but it seems I am led back.. *self-afflicting thoughts have an addictive quality to them*, which temporarily pacify. And "verify" that stepping outside my comfort zone is bad.


Yes! Just like unhealthy fast food for the body which can be addicting. It pacifys the craving just like negative thoughts do for the negative thinking mind.

Many people continue all their lives unable to break the pattern because its just so difficult. And I am not talking about anxiety specifically but all fear based feelings in all types of people. Its not impossible though.


----------



## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

I'm so happy for you! :clap 

I'm getting a lot better as time goes on and becoming more and more confident in the person I've grown into. As this happens, my SA is decreasing more and more. It feels good to not let something (such as SA) take over your life but to take your own life by the reins and lead yourself into success. That in itself builds confidence.


----------



## Grantonio (Jan 20, 2006)

Congrats on the success! I know the feeling of getting over some SA feelings/thoughts...and it is freedom in it's most pure form. Some advice though, be sure to keep up with whatever you are doing to manage your SA, try to even find new ways to handle it, I have let my guard down many times thinking "i was cured" and thats when it sneaks up on you again. And notice how I said "manage," everybody has anxiety in social situations to a certain degree...in other words, no one is ever cured. Just keep that in mind..and good job finding some quality ways in dealing with SA!


----------



## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Hi itsme, 

Interesting recovery progress. I'm happy for you. Good luck in life. I should try to keep looking for my positives inside of me which i keep forgetting about. Thanks. 

Gerard

Again, good luck in life.


----------



## jasonl34 (Feb 7, 2006)

So how were you able to go to a night club to monitor peoples behavior?


----------



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

jasonl34, I don't get what you mean. If you are asking whether my sa was so bad I couldn't go to a nightclub, I never had social anxiety just watching ppl, it was talking to ppl/interacting with ppl that always made the anxiety come out.


----------



## Anachiel (Oct 21, 2007)

Itsme - you are a total inspiration!!!! And at such a young age too, to figure all this out by yourself!! What an intelligent young woman you are. 
I'd be interested to know how you got over your anxiety to sing in public, that would have been the hardest hurdle to cross in my opinion.

:clap :clap :clap


----------



## itsme (Sep 28, 2007)

LOL Anachiel, I think you will find this funny but I have no anxiety when it comes to the singing part, however, if I am singing on stage and have to make eye-contact with ppl in the audience THAT is when the anxiety used to be bad for me. So really, once I overcame anxiety talking to ppl/making eye contact and interacting with them, the shyness I used to get onstage when I had to look out into the audience and make eye-contact went away and now my performances are really good.


----------



## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

> If you notice, ppl don't ever really do anything bold or brave, they stay right in their comfort zone. I realized that trying really hard to be confident wasn't going to work. I can't just break into a situation trying really hard not to be shy. that makes it more like a challenge which adds anxiety. And other ppl are just going about their lives, they aren't facing challenges everytime they talk to ppl or do anything social or otherwise, they wouldn't do things that are a challenge...for the most part ppl want to stay in their comfort zone.


Such good insight. I realized today that my current anxiety/depression is caused by NOT doing things, rather than doing them.


----------

