# I'm gaining momentum, and fast (for the poorly-motivated)



## Dante3214 (Jan 16, 2006)

Ah.. a success story... hooray!

Hopefully this will bolster your willpower and motivation.

But here goes...

Note: I HAVE NEVER TAKEN MEDICATION!
I NEVER SAW A DOCTOR/THERAPIST!
I NEVER REALLY TALKED TO ANYONE ABOUT IT!
(this is good news, imo)

Note2: I've never had faith in God, I never attented church, and my parents were athiests.
________________________________________________
It's difficult to remember what it was like now, but there are things that I remember that assure me of it's past existence.

And I'll be honest, I doubted I had problems, I thought I was kidding myself.

But sometimes it comes to point where you can finally see objectively that "holy sh**, this is serious...", like when you realize you just had a panic attack, by yourself, because you caught yourself thinking about a child-oriented t.v. show you used to like when you were young(er).

You realize that considering (and fantasizing about) cutting, mutilating, and eventually killing yourself in class (just to get some attention), isn't right.

You finally wake up to how much you actually _hate_ life and EVERYTHING about it. You hate people, you hate good morals (you believe you have none), you hate yourself (except you believe that there is nothing in yourself to hate).

Little dramatic? Eh.. sad but true.

You wake up and realize the harsh reality is indeed harsh... you learn that there's a pretty damn good chance that no one will ever really give a sh** and no one will ever ...fully...understand. (it's still like this now, to an extent).

And getting angry over your insecurity, to only become even more "emotional" due to you knowing that being angry has no purpose and an extremely underweight, pale, and almost decrepid boy simply doesn't have the power to show his anger (can only cry), makes it "worse".

But enough with the past!... On to the improvements... (still a bit dramatic ^_^...)

I (think I) started changing right when I realized (or imagined), that sh** doesn't really get any worse. You LITERALLY have nothing you enjoy, or care about, you just want to die.

This gets a huge load off your back.... Why? Because it makes every action you need to take to get over "this", need much less willpower because you feel you have no purpose anyway...

Really, talking to a girl and having her doing the unimaginable, and irrational action in my day-mare of fear wouldn't make me any more lonely than I am now, it wouldn't really amount to jack sh** because it's been worse before.

That how I saw it then...

*"Confidence is not the same as thinking you cannot fail, it is not thinking about failure at all."*

Now, what happened afterwards?

More and more pain, more and more thoughts of failing and more thoughts of "suicide".

It's because I became clouded and lost my original direction (anxiety).

Woop-dee-doo! I thought I had "Failed" and my confidence in myself was once again shattered (I'm still clueless as to how it survived).

But... I think I was fortunate in my self-hate... because it caused me to do something that had completely opposite results of what I was going after.

I thought this through logically, "Cutting yourself is simply an escape from the worst pain there is, emotional pain, so why don't I hurt myself that way?"

And so I did, but what I did is what a lot of us are nearly forced to do on a daily basis.

*Putting myself in extremely painful/uncomfortable situations*

NOW BEFORE ANY OF YOU SAY

"Oh my god but that could traumatize them more!"

B-b-b-bullsh*t!!!!

With the wrong mindset it will, but if emotional pain is WHAT YOU'RE AFTER, it can't really do much to you.

Besides, it's a nitty gritty world out there, so what's wrong with a few battlescars?...

Seriously though... you're not going to "go crazy", or "lose control", or any of that bs.

Even if you did, *Why would it matter?*

I say slam yourself right where it hurts most (mentally, mind you), and f*** consequences.

Just do it to spite yourself "I love this pain, it's what I've always deserved!..."

But then I noticed... it started going away...

I was aghast (sorta)! I had lost my outlet, I had found that nothing was as bad as it seemed, my fear was the only bad part AT ALL!
I was almost depressed... my only way to feel was lost!

Of course, nothing I could do really made me feel bad anymore, so the only thing I could do was relax and listen to music (which was full of the same things I was thinking, which I only found comfort and acceptance in).

"Souvenir"

I never knew what I was gonna be
Somebody saw what I couldnt see
And lifted me up now
I never thought I could be worthy of
Lovin under the sky above
Don't let the wonderful
Why does everybody have to fit in
You should feel comfortable in the skin
Does that mean I am the

Souvenir of sadness
Method to the madness
Hands up if you feel this
Anyone who has this...

Stand up! Nobody's dyin' to save you
Speak up! Nobody's waiting to see you
Wake up! Nobody's working to pay you
Let me make it clear you have this
Back then, nobody knew in the school yard
Now then! You have grown up to be this hard
Go then! Walk on this world with your heart scarred
Your the souvenir of sadness

They never knew what I was gonna say
Punch me and kick me and run away
You know who you are so
Now look at me what do you have to say
Never give up for you anyway
You know who you are so
Now look at me what do you have to say
Never give up for you anyway
Happy child look at that

Souvenir of sadness
Method to the madness
Hands up if you feel this
Anyone who has this...

Stand up! Nobody's dyin' to save you
Speak up! Nobody's waiting to see you
Wake up! Nobody's working to pay you
Let me make it clear you have this
Back up! Nobody to destroy you
Now this! Knew I grown up to be this hard
Go then! Walk on this world with your heart scarred
Your the souvenir of sadness

Souvenir of sadness
Method to the madness
Hands up if you feel this
Anyone who has this...

Stand up! Nobody's dyin' to save you
Speak up! Nobody's waiting to see you
Wake up! Nobody's working to pay you
Let me make it clear you have this
Back up! Nobody to destroy you
Now this! Knew I grown up to be this hard
Go then! Walk on this world with your heart scarred
Your the souvenir of sadness

-Korn (gotta love em)

Self-glorification?

Why not, you're the only person you can be! 

Seriously, in essence what all of what I have said could really mean,

"don't take life so goddamn seriously"

And I just told you how.

*deep breath*

Ok, what am I like now?

Well, I still have bad days.

I'm still a little (yes, a little) paranoid every now and then.

And there are days that I feel that all is lost.

But I can talk to girls without having an extreme panic attack!

I'm only a little shy, which is easily overlooked.

I CAN ACTUALLY BE COMFORTABLE ALONE!
I CAN REALLY ENJOY INTIMACY!

But even I fail to see the positive every now and then, so the last thing I will say, is that you should never, ever feel like you absolutely "have" to do anything.

All you have to do to get over this little issue, is to just believe you will.

Through whatever happens, always believe (or at least say) "I will get through this or "I will get better" or "I will improve".

That's all you gotta do.

And then don't try to fight the pain/discomfort/whatever, just sit there with it.

Feel it, and know it, and get used to it. Trust me, you'll love it.

I hope this helps someone, or at least makes someone feel better.

_Because I care for those who can see things for what they are!_

And if you're offended, ...then I'm ... I'm.... ..... glad!

*Because you don't deserve your opinion.*

-Have Fun!

p.s. the meaning of the communication is defined by the response!


----------



## AlienOnEarth (Dec 5, 2004)

"Confidence is not the same as thinking you cannot fail, it is not thinking about failure at all." - i loved this


----------



## GaryUranga (Apr 22, 2006)

makes sense somewhat I like the part where your go for the most akward situations for fun (or as you mentiones self-inflicted pain)


----------



## Supalady05 (Nov 11, 2005)

I liked your post. I hear that a lot (not to fight the anxiety, but just go through it and deal with it), but not phrased exactly as you have worded it throughout your post. It definitely is a different way to look at it... It's so head-on, that I believe many of us are afraid of using that technique. Reading it at first, certainly seems that way... and imagining what i would do/say, makes me anxious just thinking about it. but along with going into social situations, we gotta change our thoughts...


----------



## Dante3214 (Jan 16, 2006)

thank you for the replies, I started to think I came across a bit too uhm... odd!



But I certainly hope this helps some of you, especially if you tend to have confidence come in short, extreme bursts!


----------



## Hopeless05 (Jan 3, 2006)

Good stuff. This was a breath of fresh air


----------



## myshell (Apr 17, 2006)

I was moved. You feel like a tremendously powerful person to me. 
I was driving along in my car yesterday and in fact all day I was reminded of something I read the other day. Something about true confidence is inside us all and successes in the past are only a small part of what our real confidence is. We just have no idea how much of our self esteem and confidence is a natural thing. I keep holding onto that and I believe it too, that naturally we have it all there and if we want to perceive others as taking it away from us we end up as victims, but all they can really take away is the superficial, nothing true and pure. We are complete underneath all the layers of junk we've accumulated.


----------

