# Defeating the fear of eye contact (with an added bit about: my eyes are too intense)



## EntiWarmRock (Mar 8, 2018)

I have struggled with eye contact for many years, but not long ago, started to strive to make eye contact and become more socially acceptable and friendly. I am here to tell you, you CAN overcome this. I overcame it. With lots of hard work. I was one of the worse cases. I was so terrified of making eye contact that I had a feeling of an oncoming panic attack whenever I looked into someone's eyes. I am not going to pretend it wasn't hard, long work. We gotta be honest here. 
It took me about two years to go from zero eye contact to maintaining a healthy eye contact with someone, even with strangers! 

My secrets? There are a few. 

I'm sure you've heard this one but I can't press it enough. PRACTICE, constantly. Keep looking at people. No matter what. No matter how miserable and hopeless you feel. Of course there will be slip ups. Some days you just can't do it. But that's ok as well. A break in the long haul can actually strengthen a person so they come back better and more energized next time. 
It is all about
DESENSITIZATION. 
It is a one step forward, two steps back process. As you practice you will be getting better... better...and then you will fall way back and regress into more severe anxiety where it will seem impossible again. "How will I ever get better? Even though I practice my heart out I still end up an utter failure. A mess." 
Dont believe it. It is easy to give up hope, but know that eventually as you work through your fear, your bad days won't be as bad and horrifiy debilitating, and your good days will get even better. You might astound yourself. Cherish the good days. Treat yourself when you do a good job. Self talk is important. Tell yourself you will make this. 

(This next paragraph here is only for if you had a problem with making intense eye contact)
Now, I had a problem where my eye contact became too intense. Filled with a fiery rage at my anxiety, I would absolutely force myself to look at people, and yes I achieved it for a moment, but my eyes would widen and intensify as I painstakingly forced myself to hold eye contact, and I've had feedback from people that even said I looked disconcerting or offputting. At the worst, I'm sure I was frightening. I was terrified of making eye contact because I was afraid I looked insane or I would scare people away, and all I desperately wanted was to look normal. 
The answer was to let go of the fear of being seen like that. The anxiety over looking anxious, a conundrum in itself, only caused more anxiety, and to break that cycle, I took little steps. I was never quite able to stop caring about people seeing me that horrifying way, but I kept going. I told myself I had to push through it or it would never get better.
I would look at people for barely a second, and my eyes would flash and I would know they had seen me looking creepy or whatever. Then I acknowledged that and let it go. I mean I would just tell myself, "yeah, that happened," and just kind of let the emotion dissolve. This happened every single time, because the exact same thing would happen over and over again, and each time, I would belittle myself in my head and then let it go. I felt kinda helpless, but I just let myself float on it. 
"When the water is getting rough, float." 
I told myself I would soon not be like this ever again, I just had to keep working. Then soon, as I practiced, I was able to look at people for longer, and longer. The intensity only truly went away once I started applying other methods like as below.
(And truthfully, honestly, I still get intense sometimes. Some very few times. I am still recovering.)

One more idea. 

Find someone you trust, if you can, and look them in the eyes for a long time, as long as you can hold it without panicking or feeling unable to hold your head high. This really works. It's all about desensitizing.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing person in my life who let me do this. Here is my story. 
Once he figured out how scared I was of eye contact and how shy I was, he wanted to help me, he said he would like to someday see me look into his eyes and smile when we meet, instead of seeing my head down. 
We would sit in a quiet, private room, and I would take a deep breath and look into his eyes. As soon as we made eye contact I would feel this terrifying, rushing fear take ahold of me, like I was about to have a panic attack. I let the feelings wash over me, forcing myself to feel them and process them until I really couldn't take it anymore and looked away. I would also talk to him during this, telling him things like, "I can't do this," or "I'm so afraid right now." Voicing my feelings helped me immensely. 

Now, you don't have to be that intimate with someone. You can simply look in their eyes until you can't take it, or stick with practicing from afar. 
With this method, I slowly got better and felt safer around another human being.

Here are some quick smaller tips:

-talk about it. Talking about your struggles to someone will help you work through it quicker
-practice other social skills at the same time. Learning how to small talk or learning how to teach yourself to be ok with intimacy are things that when practiced or worked on alongside eye contact, will help you immensely, because fear of eye contact stems from these things. Find out what's really bothering you-what is the root of your fear.

I love you all because I know what you're struggling with. I have almost every symptom of social anxiety. We can do this. 

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."


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## ephemeral skies (Jan 5, 2017)

One of the main things I'm trying to improve on right now is eye contact. I've always had a hard time looking people in the eye, even close family members. It's inspiring to know that you've been able to make so much progress in overcoming your fear. Thank you for sharing.


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## minicooper (Jan 7, 2018)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am working on eye contact right now and I find it really hard to look at people and think at the same time. If I keep pushing myself I will get used to it eventually. It's good to know that things will get better with continuous hard work.


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## Mirza (Apr 2, 2018)

So I guess I am not alone. 

I always look away when I’m talking to people. Avoid eye contact. Which looks creepy to them. They think I’m in to them. Like I’m Gay with all the guys and a sexual crazed dud for the women.

Then there are times where I force myself to keep eye contact. Don’t look away. But then people get creeped out. It’s like I’m focusing in into their eyes. 

I understand why people would be put off by my eye contact. Makes sense, don’t blame them. But it gives a false impression of me.

I need to fix this..... therapy or counselling?


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## minicooper (Jan 7, 2018)

Mirza said:


> I need to fix this..... therapy or counselling?


Maybe you can practice with people you know. Tell people you trust that you want to work on eye contact, and hope they can give you some feedback. So they know that you are not being creepy or weird. You don't have to keep looking, 3 seconds would be enough, then look away for a while, and come back. Looking at people's eyes for too long can be considered creepy.


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## Michael1983 (Jul 21, 2015)

Thanks for sharing, those are some wise words and are just what I needed to hear. Just gotta remind myself to keep practicing and not to be disheartened and give up if it's not working out some days. As long as I'm trying. 🙂


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