# [A SELFISH THREAD] Treasures, Medals, & Booby Traps #2016



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

* INTRO*​
I know I'm supposed to write personal stuff on blog but I think it will be easier to post in forum format as I don't need to bother with titles, tags, coherent stories, etc. Just feel freer this way. Of course the side effect is you can't erase others' posts you don't like compared to moderating comments on blog and you can't guarantee the degree of 'post domination' too. Oh well... apparently my fear of criticisms is defeated by laziness.  I may still repost some writings here on blog though.

I made this under art section because: 
1. I feel this is more neutral, just like the vibe better than threads directly related to SA
2. I may post my artworks/performances from time to time as my dare game, conquering SA/fears/paranoia by going against the world

So this will be a messier blog in continuous format. Enjoy.

_Oops, it's already late and I've got to run away again in the early morning. So I'll just post the real entry tomorrow. 'Night all..







_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Relax Adrian,

The answers you're seeking are available *here*, right where you're standing. Life is right now, you may stop preparing.

The game is a foot now. You're already playing.

Nowhere to go to, nothing to achieve. You've got there alright. Now play!
_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_#!!!^**@##*&^@$&$%$@!:"__#!!!^**@##*&^@$&$%$@!:"__#!!!^**@##*&^@$&$%$@!:"Now another problem surfacing!!_ _POWERLESSNESS *SUCKS*!!!
_
Remember, you've made it out of this and got result. And you did it - _REALLY_ did it - in relatively short time! No reason you can't repeat the success. You'll definitely blaze this jail as well!!
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I want a home!!!*








​







​
Somewhere I'm free to stay for whatever long.
No expectations, no disturbances of ALL kinds.
If solitude is not possible, then genuinely *respectful* people around I can trust & comfortable with. Who wont force their beliefs upon me, leave me alone, respect my boundaries & my own value systems.
Kind strangers who are independent but willing to help each other with no attachment.
A place I can meditate in for 24/7.
A wide & large space where I can be 100% me.http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*2016.01.14*








​
New skill acquired: sleeping/napping in park bench like a master vagabond lol :laugh: Considering I've got SA that's used to be severe when it comes to doing things potentially attracting attention in public.

Lesson learned: I can't really sleep though, the bench was made of steel with (I guess purposefully) uncomfortable design. :/ Maybe next time I'll bring some improvised thin mattress?










_The boss' sleeping pose._​
Other achievements & treasures:
. Let a kitten I found nearby my 'picnic' site to be my companion for few hours, then bought some fried fish & fed the kitten.
. Found a great sign in an article in a magazine I bought yesterday: Transfagarasan road of Romania! Oh wow, about this magazine, my intuition really worked!!

____

Update:
The trick: put a large, comfortable scarf/pashmina on your face and no one would bother you.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*2016.01.15*








​
New skill acquired: surviving very crowded commuter train, and not getting lost lol! :laugh: I barely leave for another city recently, even if so I usually use buses or taxis if I go alone. Considering I've got a relatively small-build physical body, just to stand in stable ground in this confinement was hard! And I did it with almost no additional head tense/anxiety that used to come autopilot. Apparently I've learned well to be comfortable with myself almost anywhere! :clap

Lesson learned: next time eat better & more, prepare enough stamina for as 'small' of a journey like this!










Other treasures & achievements is coming soon on the blog..​


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## Orbiter (Jul 8, 2015)

Prince Adrian said:


> ​
> New skill acquired: sleeping/napping in park bench like a master vagabond lol :laugh: Considering I've got SA that's used to be severe when it comes to doing things potentially attracting attention in public.
> 
> Lesson learned: I can't really sleep though, the bench was made of steel with (I guess purposefully) uncomfortable design. :/ Maybe next time I'll bring some improvised thin mattress?
> ...


I'd never take a nap on a public bank.
Nothing to do with SA, it's just not very clever since you never know what kinda people might walk by.
Better be careful what you're doing, young lady!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Orbiter said:


> I'd never take a nap on a public bank.
> Nothing to do with SA, it's just not very clever since you never know what kinda people might walk by.
> Better be careful what you're doing, young lady!


Thanks, I had made sure that there were also many people around me and they're not thugs or something. I know public parks can be dangerous sometimes but I have come several times to this park and considering it's safe enough for catching up some sleep.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Thank-THANK god today I've got my dorm habitable even just for a day!! Finally I can catch up lots of sleep I've lost the last 3 days wandering!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
Want to buy a face cover/riding head wear but don't want to spend more money, I've shopped quite a various stuff this month. The one I want is more expensive than other variants, hmm.. I really could use this for the next rides as I see now I'm getting out more and more.. maybe, just maybe, for the next exciting 'job' my mind just being inspired considering the possibility (more about that later). Almost never wear any but I began to think this would be useful against the polluted air (yeah right, like I don't contribute to that through my motorbike :/ I wish mine were water/hidrogen-fueled or something).


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

> Want to buy a face cover/riding head wear but don't want to spend more money, I've shopped quite a various stuff this month. The one I want is more expensive than other variants, hmm..


Heeey, I could sell just a handful of my used books online and there I can cover the expense for the riding headwear I want! And usually they're sold in short time. Okay, I'll order the headwear right away.


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## Orbiter (Jul 8, 2015)

Prince Adrian said:


> Thanks, I had made sure that there were also many people around me and they're not thugs or something. I know public parks can be dangerous sometimes but I have come several times to this park and considering it's safe enough for catching up some sleep.


I guess it's safe if you do it at daytime.
Enjoy your weekend.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Sorry girls (dorm mates), I hope I don't hurt you all in any way my aloof gestures could seem intending to. I don't antagonize anyone unless you cross my path, I'm just awkward being natural lone wolf that I am. And I notice that you're mostly younger than me, still in university, conversing about assignments, movies, fooling, texting around about stuff I'm no longer (if not _NEVER!_) interested in.

It's highly possible that I'm not like you. I've gone through life changing experiences that had thrust my sense of identity to the core and I've realized that I'm a philosopher at heart. I would disturb you once I open my mouth, shaking your belief systems almost about everything. You all seem like nice people, I don't want to unnecessarily take away the peace. If you need wisdom you'll get it from your own experiences and many others who are more 'in tune' with you, unlike sociopath like me.

I came here to get a temporary place serene enough for me to regain & up-leveling inner power as well as preparing for its integrated outward expansion. Not really in search for friends, but I guess I'll help anyone in need if you just ask, and if I can and if you don't offend me in some way. I hope you all have each other enough so I wont need to join. I'm a stranger, long for a _home_ - a word I'm yet still trying to define..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Wow, just wow! My blackberry fixed itself!! Yaay!! :laugh: No more blank screen, no need to bother reinstalling OS bla bla bla.. thank goodness, quite made my day!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_







_​_
#[email protected]!!!!!$#$%#^@@@!!!!!!*&^%;;>><#[email protected]!!!!!$#$%#^@@@!!!!!!*&^%;;>><#[email protected]!!!!!$#$%#^@@@!!!!!!*&^%;;>><#[email protected]!!!!!$#$%#^@@@!!!!!!*&^%;;>><#[email protected]!!!!!$#$%#^@@@!!!!!!*&^%;;>><

I WISH YOU ALL ****ING DIE AND REPLACED WITH THE BETTER ONES MORE DESERVING TO BE IN MY LIFE!!!!! *HOW DARE YOU TALKED LIKE THAT TO ME!!!?!!!??!!!!??!!!!! SMALL FISH LIKE YOU!! WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND ONE BIT ABOUT HIGH SENSITIVITY!!!!! **AND ACTING AS IF YOU'RE REALLY INNOCENT NOT CAUSING ALL THESE REACTIONS!!!?!!?!!!!* * UNFORGIVABLE!!!!!!!!* *WISH YOU ALL ROT IN THAT HELL OF YOUR CUBICLE PRISONS FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE ****ED-UP JOBS YOU IDEALIZE FOR THE SAKE OF THE MOST MEANINGLESS PURPOSE IN LIFE: TO SURVIVE!!!!!!!!!! AND ESPECIALLY FOR THAT PARTICULAR LAME JERK I WISH YOU NO INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP FOR LIFE AS YOU DON'T DESERVE IT, NO SIR!!!!!! * I PRAY FOR YOUR ALL ULTIMATE BOREDOM-FRUSTRATION-ANNOYANCES AND LOADS OF OTHER WHAT-NOTS THAT WOULD BE YOUR SHEER TORTURE!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW WHAT I FEEL AND I ACKNOWLEDGE EVERYTHING!!! *I'LL NEVER LET ANYONE AND ALL KIND OF AUTHORITY SUPPRESS OR STOMP IT NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!* GO TO HELL *******S!!!!!!!!!!!!

_..........

Okay, now for the concrete part: how do I _kill_ them and then get my TRUE freedom?

I don't want anymore of these. I want safety, money, freedom, independence without any tense/pain/anxiety, a home I can truly call home where I can be myself 24/7. Home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home, home.............. please, please an ever-wise voice show me the way!

_Intuition, it's you who've told me to dig to the bottom of truth uncovering all the discoveries that could be disorienting and truly made me lost & vulnerable to dangers within and without. Now I rely on you to get out of this temple of treasures without being killed by the deadly traps, and 100% in one piece, thriving not just surviving!!!!!

_





http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_
Okay, Adrian. Breathe, your life is now. Stand on your ground. Just within the vicinity of your body. At this moment, this minute you're safe. For a second forget the sh**ty immediate past & the future scenarios focusing on anxious-inducing uncertainty.

Perhaps that's all you need. The universe is already branching from now, no need to wait good news some days later, remember the unexpected pleasant events you encountered recently. Now take action/plan the next step based on this flow.._http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

I don't want to paint.
I don't want to be a detective.
I don't want to play music.
I don't want to write my might-be precious insights.
I don't want to write on my blogs about multiple things I love.
I don't want to make handmade notebooks.
I don't want to make paracord bracelets.
I don't want to make rough crystal pendants.
I don't want to be an interpreter.
I don't want to learn foreign languages anymore.
I don't want to learn digital painting/drafting anymore.
I don't want to make treasure wooden boxes even if I've got the tools.

Because *I HATE PEOPLE*. Why would I want to make them happy/enjoy my works/services/performances?
_*I hate my own family*_. They've hurt me much. I wish I wouldn't see them again while I'm wealthy on my own freely to connect with worthy kind strangers, friends & a true lover etc etc etc.
I REJECT ALL SUPPORTS TAINTED WITH 'INVESTOR'S MIND' - MEANS WONT ACCEPT FAILURES.
I DON'T PLEASE OTHERS. I DON'T SUCCUMB TO ALL KINDS OF AUTHORITY.
I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH SURVIVAL AGENDA AS UNDERLYING MOTIVES.
I'M IN DEAD END.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Eat well & delicious.
Sleep tight.
Travel. Picnic. "Meditate"/just being _*with*_ myself everyday & do whatever the impulses say.

That's all I want now. Sounds good?

_____

Badly want to do something fulfilling, but the world had hurt me & too fluid to trust. Too many grey areas & poisonous values.

Solve a case? (Limited to missing persons.)
Want to track something down, but turns out it's not just mind games & competence. Get ready for physical & emotional exhaustion, and the scary parts: risk of getting injured, death, & PTSD. Huh, I've already screwed mentally by just watching crime news. Even if it's just about people missing, there still would be icky emotional stuff I wouldn't want to deal with. And what if I found the target met a bad fate, not just happily strolling, sleeping on the street? I'll need a larger power but apparently the police are not the group of humans I'd love to collaborate with often.

Paint? Make art?
Hate all the rules. What once divine will become mundane at the moment material world seeps in: sales, market taste, packaging, delivering. Not to mention my trauma of criticism while in university.

Music?
Can't even exercise while around people I hate. Which is like, everyday.

Blog? Insight/philosophy writing?
I'm still stuck & fluctuating. And there's this identity complex inside of me that I can't write for too long/focused or I got even stuck-er a.k.a imprisoned in that one identity! Not a good thing, especially when your destination is freedom.

Meh.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

The riding headwear I ordered has arrived!
















​
Good material, cool design & high quality, very useful, worth its price. Happy to have it now!

Let's ride _further!_ :grin2:


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Went to a place with a trigger on it. Partly I guess some part of me want to reconcile the unsolvable jam and it unintentionally goes with my investigator's instinct to go towards what disturbs me (a little). But then I got another strange 'paralel' experience... yes, the unsolvable puzzle was put in a better, larger context.. not in the way I expected to though (I expected dark disturbances).. even almost relieving! Yet it's also an indication of another jams. So that unsolvable one is no more unique. Hmh.. at least this is better feeling place even though just slightly so... :]


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*"Beautifully Stranded"*

Okay, since this is under art section, I feel a little bad if I don't post any work. Sorry if the pictures are too big, lazy to resize it, put into my album and then image linking from there as the quota is limited. I'll link the works straight from my deviant art account. So... here goes nothing! (And yeah, I've got many names.)



"Beautifully Stranded"
Mixed media: oil pastels, acrylic, color pencils on black paper.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Strange-funny-pleasant feeling..*

Lately I began to notice that there are people kind of 'resemble' me: the nerds!! When I look at them sleeping with face on the table, eating tasty snacks (the brand perhaps only kids would buy :laugh in a probably-not-allowed-to-eat room, making small funny gestures, I feel like almost looking at myself! :grin2: It's like I'm actually not alone in my awkwardness.. this is quite significant for in recent years I see others as happier, more socially capable, having their life figured out, etc etc etc better than I do.

Yeah you could _tell_ me not to compare, that you obviously have problems too (verbal communication via this forum or anything else) but I've stopped listening to others & quit logic as I 'exploded' few years ago. Since then I only trust INSTINCTIVE knowledge gained by experience & intuition not theories, not any kind of "how it's supposed to be". This moment of realization about certain similarities of humans around me is that instinctive one. This is the truer sense of 'connection' (apostrophe for a great deal of myself doesn't want it), not based on any idealistic codes.

I guess I shall just enjoy the presence of my new 'siblings' around. :laugh:

***

But I have to remind myself: I still could be significantly different.. my different ground & view of life, current problems.. and especially my Vampire Hunter complex.http://www.socialanxietysupport.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Oh wow.. the signs definitely showing up fast! And quite magical too if I rethink about it! I was inspired to consider doing some kind of freelance job (hate that word actually, prefer 'game'/'activity' word) that seems fulfilling.. and there it is, tonight when I approached my motorbike parked in the commuter train station where it's moved nearby a wall* I saw posters, very much about the job.. my opportunity to really act!

But judging from 'crashing' experiences I decided not to rush, I've still got significant problems related. Not my entire nervous system agree with that and I respect my _ship crews_. Something deep within also agree with me listening to the crews first.. I feel like I can trust this energy based on truest honesty.. (as in, _these crews will take care of the ship, even clearing the fogs without me commanding once they're understood.._)

*) My country is a 'mess' (neutral meaning), when you parked your vehicle in certain places you can't expect your ride to be fixed in one spot, if you parked there double lock (is this the correct phrase?) is not allowed. Some unofficial 'officer' will move it accordingly so the parking space would be neater and able to take in more vehicles.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I'm not cute!*






Or in my case, "I'm not 'NORMAL'!"

Can't you see I'm a deep thinker philosopher? And who's actually against philosophy itself anyway once it's brought to the class room instead of personally experienced?
Can't you see I'm very much different than you?
Can't you see we have a largely different ground?
Don't you know I'm a dropped out student (for quite a long time too), an agnostic, a lost _prince_ rebelling from the well-established castle towards the thing that excites me deeply: MYSTERY of the unknown?
Can't you see I've got trouble understanding human connection, even human existence AT ALL, down to the essence??
Can't you tell how I think out loud everyday about the most essential meaning of life, down to quark and whatever tiniest else level?
Can't you tell how I've been struggling to understand & (if I need to) reconcile my dark sides & all the resistances to it as well?
Can't you tell how I've been going so far & deep down within? That I've been going through a massive, inward expedition??

While I'm grateful that some of you happen to approach me in respectful way, just for asking directions or a very brief chat, I wish you could see as well that I can be very much different from your expectations. Please don't ask what my occupation is, wondering where & what I study, etc. Even while you were conversing with others nearby I was already 'disturbed' enough.

Why life has to be as shallow, within a predictable path, & boring like that?? What really disturbs me is the favoritism of such by most population: one way is considered good, and others considered unprestigious/'bad'.

But then, regarding to "I'm not normal", when today I looked into my reflection in a mac monitor I realized..










Wow.. do I look like a normie, even a cute, a little stylish (well, lone wolves can love aesthetics too!) intelligent student despite my age & my huge inner changes. Probably that's why too I can feel comfortable here, writing this post using the internet room (for FREE!) of a university I'm not a student/employee or anything in (the one considered best in my country even, but this part *is* open for public anyway).

There is still the mask of competence that partly I'm grateful for (useful for temporary survival) and partly I want it to fall off and replaced by a _better_, vulnerable but genuinely strong expression. I want to thrive as 100% myself, not as the mask.

Though if I rethink about it, judging from my current interactions with strangers despite still there's some unexpected result, I can see that it's changing towards more honest one. Can't wait to be fully myself.. with solid strength & power to express it!!

____
Damn it's hard to fart here :grin2:


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Not fair!!*

_"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To them&#8230; a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death."_

-Pearl Buck-​
Just NOT FAIR!!

Why is it instead the Nancy Drew-like people who get all the fun, non-disturbing adventures??! While I, the highly sensitive one, get the dark ones all too often??!!?! Despite it's mostly emotional, not real physical, thank goodness, that's still _exactly_ what I don't want, ever!!! Those happy-go-lucky people are seemingly stronger & insensitive yet have all the light-hearted life experiences while I've developed PTSD already just by watching news and movies, & simply overhearing others' brief conversations!!

Yes, I love deep mysteries, the unknown, the unblazed trails, the hidden, virgin, & even almost mystical forests, that's why I'm curious about things, reading, watching stuff I initially thing as mysterious & potentially intellectually fulfilling. But I never and wouldn't EVER expect any shocking-disturbingly ugly stuff!! I NEVER want to find unforgivable extremities & deviances of all sorts!!

I want to find treasures (even only the worthy, deep knowledge ones not just material gains) not any kind of sufferings!!

Why can't I just have fun like them, not taking anything, feeling anything seriously? Why can't I simply automatically get not attached, not taking things personally like them so I can have my real adventures out there, truly expanding & exploring the world with nothing holding me back??! Why can't I easily move on once I've got feeling for a cause or someone/some people *I don't expect to*??! Even if the feeling reciprocate they most likely *don't feel as strong as I do & don't see me as I loftily see them!!*

Even though I love this strong energy of emotion as this contribute to the multiple talents, this has strong side effects as well. I largely operate on subconscious mind - the fact I had denied for a long time due to suppressions but thank goodness now I have accepted more & more these recent years. Which means now I deliberately don't debate, I don't discuss, I'm consciously close-minded, even barely talk at all. At most I'll just write like this. I only *ACT*, following that deep energy without asking others' permissions. I can't care less anymore about good and bad unless to a certain extent.

This deep underworld as I said has its advantages, but right now I can only think about the bad sides - huh, the very side effect is that I can focus only on the side effect now!! It *WANTS attention*, every single voice. It's *NOT* going to _listen_ to anything outside of itself, not gonna move or change, unless it's fully heard & accepted!!

Why do I have to be so vulnerable to have all the talents while they the less-of-a-feeler-or-thinker can also have them too??! Similarly jack of all trades but unlike me: not prone to hurt & fluid poisonous values, still can laugh with friends with egalitarian spirit while their talents, skills & works inspire me deeply and make me so envy at the same time!!

***
And those shallow-water fish around me are flabbergasted how someone quiet like me could explode, radically changed & now seem 'left behind'. "Still waters run deep", have they ever heard of that?? >:/


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Preparing for life is not _living_..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

You-ALL of you earth **** sapiens!-want me to find a _*WHAT*??!!!??!!_
A _JOB_??!!!!?? Any means to make MONEY??!!!
And for WHAT!!!??!!
To *SURVIVE*??!!? 

*HUGE INSULT!!!!!* *MOST MEANINGLESS PURPOSE EVER!*@#$^!!!([email protected]*!!#@%!!!}!!

While it's *you both* who are fully _RESPONSIBLE_ bringing me to this life??!?????!! Now you want me to "go on my own" whereas this is not even *my* CHOICE since the first place???!!!?!??!??!?!

_*"To be useful to OTHERS"*???!!?!!!_

Another *GRAND INSULT* to my intelligence!!!!!! Utter DISGUST!!!! CAN'T you fvkking SEE it OBVIOUSLY means *SLAVING YOURSELF AWAY* to anything & anyone outside of you??????!!!! And you taking all those *ULTIMATELY STUPID SOCIAL NORMS for granted*?????!!!??!! *What am I, a gold fish with ZERO intellect????!?!?? *

Can't anyone just think?????!! Have they ever at the slightest the desire to *QUESTION* SOMETHING?????!?!!?!?!?! To accept life that is *massively CONSTRUCTED*, and just SATISFIED with it and _follow_ the rules (ewwwwww!!!!!) ??!!?!!??!?!?!?!!

YOU'VE GOT. TO BE. KIDDING ME.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Grateful for finding a respectful-friendly fried noodle seller today. :grin2: And the IP address conflict in my laptop is fixed itself, yay! While posting on SAS I can listen to smooth jazz radio stations via tunein.com. Thank goodness I can unwind from my wanderings even just for a night!!

And thank-*thank*-god I've got this second place to sleep, another place I can call as 'home' full of kind strangers!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Oh wow.. after 1-2 weeks of intense everyday wandering, I found that when I'm just sitting or standing normally at home, my body feels slightly moving/'swinging' like if I were in the commuter train! :lol

There is more depth to this but right now have not much time to elaborate for tomorrow I must wander again, could use a _really_ good sleep! Clue:

_"Not a hardship, but *preparation*."_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

19.15! A record! The earliest ever I got 'home' (the 2nd) after my day escape! Thank god now I've got more time to do many stuff! And yay I'm finally able to take bath :lol


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Treasures & Traps*

_Some "little" but persistent things is clouding my focus so I could use some bliss counting._​
I'm grateful for this laptop I've decided to fix several weeks ago, following my intuition to do it. Now this is truly paid off! I can use this in my 2nd home, with all the wifi, the games, the movies, music, powerful softwares, etc!

I *HATE IT* when anyone mentions mundane things, like about the rent!!! I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING THAT I FEEL FOR SURE IS _ALREADY_ *MY RIGHT*!!! THIS EARTH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!
But I'm grateful that at least this place I found is loaded with good facilities, not to mention the kind strangers (who never mind me haven't ever introduced my name, accepting me being a lone wolf who just smiles - and they reply it with another genuine one! - when we met or make a brief chat) & land lady, all with relatively cheaper price than its competitors I've surveyed!!

I'm grateful as well that I've progressed a LOT in mastering myself. So I wont get dragged anymore by adapting/insecurity-based reactions. It feels so great when masks fall off & replaced by truer & truer self everyday. Now it's _them_ who adapt to me!

I'm in a "crisis" right now, but at least I've got enough resources until next month. And I'm grateful as I look back my life these recent weeks (see my blog posts if you want) things have definitely changed (for the better I guess) even if it's involving some risks. Which means, there's a _VERY GOOD_ chance that I'll pass this crisis in happy result!! Thank god! I can see that _anything_ can happen within just a month!

Today, shortly after I got home I heard a cry from a room.. apparently one of my flatmates was indeed crying (I thought it's from a TV or something!). 2 friends came to the rescue, from some slightly leaky conversations I think it's about boyfriend problem, and maybe intertwined with survival as well..? Part of me feels sorry for her & wants to help if necessary but other part of me feels GLAD because now I know FOR REAL, *direct experience* (not just by reading & watching something) that other people _do_ have their own problems! Not just me, yay!! >

Talking about people & their problems, only yesterday I heard from the land lady that actually _many_ of the rentees here have problems, like, 2 already fed up with their family (that's why they're staying here). Wow.. I'm truly not alone am not I?!? :grin2:


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Sorry, some strangers, I agree with you protesting that jerk, (and for another strangers) I was actually thankful you're helping me even just about some trivial stuff. When I made a grumpy & apathetic look or not saying an explicit 'thank you' it didn't mean I was rude (except targeted for the jerks), I just didn't want to get carried on by your vibes. Got to protect myself from being swept away by the world around me, holding on to the most-me inside. I want to live based on TRUTH, not the masks. Even if it hurts me & others by now, trust me I don't really want to bother the 'innocents'.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Feeling awful & crappy..*










Look at yourself, Adrian. You like, REALLY need some clean up!!
You said you want to be 100% you at all time, making the right choices all the time, now how you're gonna do that if you don't even know who you really are, what you truly love & want to do??
Things are happening everyday now, got to make sure the train is staying on the right track.
Time to truly _LET GO_ all things that are not supposed to be part of you. And that includes junk food that's blocking the way!!
This is the very opportunity to break free!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

There's an unexpected event happened today, the whole flat got a tense-inducing visit ^#@%#$*(!!!%$#!!! Although this happened to all flatmates not just me, I somehow took it personally, if not for my self-mastery training these recent weeks my heart would have sunk really deep. _Damn it!_ But now after a few hours strangely I've recovered, quite quickly for my standard, thank god really. I could use this inner peace for the night intuiting my next steps. Grateful for this also-unexpected-auto self-recovery.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

This also opened my eyes that I don't really want to deal with that kind of people. Okay universe, so what game I can really play??  Time to get clear..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I accept...*

I feel awful realizing that 99% of my interactions only reach formal to semi-formal tone. I feel *bad* for some nice people I can't be close with. So feeling guilty I can't _return_ their kindness! Double awful because I'm feeling guilty not to be grateful for the kind strangers.

But I'm also _aware_, I accept too that there's another *deeper* part of me that wants power & mystery so this rejects friends & 'egalitarian' attitudes. This is truly a _valid_ part of myself as well.

I feel crappy almost everyday now, being absolutely _STUCK_ in *unsolvable jam no. 1*: the infinite enmity between self-worth & survival. I have nowhere to really go, nothing to do, just running round and round..

I don't know who I really am despite the strong individuality. Recently the universe had sent me signs but either I bailed or the things/experiences I want were actually different than I expected: harsher, uglier, too 'real', surface-reality based. While I'm more a mystical hermit (with a balisong knife ready for self-defense :grin2.

I. DON'T. KNOW. where to go. what to do.
This uncertainty is STRANGLING me!! Everyday eating me alive!
I don't even want to just sit & eating raw fruits & vegs and wait for inspirations! I want DEFINITE-SURE answers *NOW!!*

I feel crappy because I don't really have a sure support system to fall back on. But then if I had, I would feel SMALL!! I want to feel BIG, EXPANSIVE, POWERFUL! Not just giggling, fooling around & living normally: school-college-marriage-kids-jobs whatever like the ordinaries are doing - so meaningless, empty, small & sacrificially COMPROMISING!! So in the end I still don't know what I exactly want!

But I admit that I'm still not cut out for high adventures at least right now. I'm very vulnerable without sufficient strength yet from the core. No, I refuse to use any defenses anymore. I want to live by the truth not the masks! And thriving as well!

God I really don't know what to do.
I don't want to waste my daytime again going nowhere, just searching for serenity in this bloody town where ugly view is plenty.
I don't want to answer on anyone's stupid normie questions.
I don't want to get identified formally, having sets of ID cards that government can track me whatever.
I want to answer boldly & playfully when someone asks about who I am.
I don't want to be a slave of any kind!!
I want to freely connect or disconnect, *not* because *I HAVE TO!!!*

I don't know what exactly means by "engaging with the world"!
I want to play the game, but with MY rules only!!

I ACCEPT all these crappy feelings now. Overall I'm SAD & restlessly 'guilty' with anger on the side. Lots of somewhat icky-anxious-aggressive mix!!
I accept that there's some part of me that want RESULT after I did this rant.
And I accept too there's another part that's ANGRY with it for it's reward-wanting (which means not really an unconditional acceptance)!
I accept I'm expecting an applicable insight by the time I wake up tomorrow. I accept I want a fresh breakthrough. Badly.
Again I ACCEPT all these feelings now.

:crying::crying::crying:


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*And I accept...*

I see others' experiences as not valid. (Except for those who PARADOXICALLY met the worse fate that I am, hehe..)

I don't even know if the other humans really exist, not just a 'hologram'. Part of me wants them real so I can relate to them in experiential way, other part doesn't as it wants to have a TOTAL CONTROL of reality!!

I really don't know which is the truth. And the truth is I prefer to have the power to be able to CHOOSE the version of truth I want to experience!!

*Stuck, stuck, stuck.*

*I. DON'T. KNOW!!*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Wait.. I can feel a layer of looking glass lifting..!?


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Living in my head..
Living in my head....
_Living in my head_.......


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Squid Out of Water #1*

Feeling at home and not at home at the same time, in this place.

It's a very large internet room in the best university in my country, it's free, open both for academia & public visitors, and most importantly, peaceful, comfy, & serene. Even perfect because not many knows this place (or as they have to work/study, the normie stuff, rather than get here) so this is often very _spacious_.

I'm familiar with this kind of place many years in my life: libraries, hotels, etc rooms with air conditioning. But now slightly overhearing some conversations around, I feel out of place. They talked about improving, improving society, society, society bla bla bla.. this is a university anyway so this should be quite common, for all the education we received is all theoretically, morally-correctly 'SUPPOSED' to be FOR society. And I thought, what the..!

I'm already far from it, that's not how I think anymore. Or to be precise, I just realized few years ago, that that's NEVER who I am to begin with!!

My ocean tends to go with the idealist side. But the OCEAN BED, the truer me, don't give a fvck, got completely different ideas. The ocean used to SUPPRESS the truth, forcing 'universal' morality, painfully fitting it in on my psyche. But this ocean itself consists of LAYERS, makes it even more complex which voice is who.

Sky vs ocean
Ocean layer X vs ocean layer N
Ocean bed vs ocean water
Ship vs ocean

I used to 'care' about society, 
until I realized that those feelings are NOT really *mine*, only a concept that sounds right, the 'should's, (except for, "Save the cats!!" :lol)
until I realized how I can HATE something or some people so much by just their existence nearby,
until I was taken aback by surprise that despite my strong individuality, I still NEGLECTED, _SUPPRESSED_ LOTS & LOTS of my TRUE feelings!!!

At some point I felt SO. ASHAMED!!! I NEVER intended myself to be a hypocrite, always tried to be as honest as possible, but then when I dig deeper and some unexpected grounds within me (both out of curiosity & deep healing).. I guess I was 'one' to a level.

"Nope, nah! I don't care about people. Why the hell I should study ergonomy, design psychology etc, designing facilities for those people whom I can ditch right away once they offend me??! Why would I want to create something to help those low, ugly people with disgusting taste, who are ignorant of their surroundings & others? And why do I have to PRETEND that I care about those things just to show that I'm more MEANINGFUL than my other shallow-fun-oriented relatives (despite I do have depth), and as a complex means of defense, that by ALL means, in multi-layered contexts, _I HATE TO LOSE?!_"

There's still yet much, mixed icky feelings to express but I'm too lazy to conjure the verbal symbols.

Truth did hurt. And up to now, I've faced that A DAMN LOT!!! But when you 'face' them, it doesn't mean 'to kill' any, instead it's more like to listen & feel. Or if you truly dare, to look at them in the eyes and admit they exist.

But so far by experience, I feel this worth it. Accompanied by the omni-purpose amulet of unconditional self-love, this inward expedition has brought me some great results. My character changed which I believe for the better, stronger from the root, more equanimity, more able to express the truth = feeling more at home in my own skin = feeling at home at more places everywhere.

Now though, me being out of place, an egocentric in a building full of plans for the future of society.. I'll just be aware of this...


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Listening to "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence" and other songs from Piano One album I used to listen when I was a kid..





















​
..why can't I stay innocent?

These songs are a reminder how I can imagine anything and everything. All my ideals seemed possible, anything can happen.
Where I can be kid forever, forever happy & taken care of.

These songs are about rain, pure happiness when sipping a hot coffee, eating a slice of chocolate cake, enjoying the fresh smell of the earth, the sounds of water drops either drizzle or storm.
About a small but peaceful home.
About an awkward but generally happy family, both nuclear & extended.

But it was back then when I've got not much against family values that require compromising personal truth.
Back when I didn't realize that the awkwardness consists something _deeper_ than social anxiety.
Back when I haven't realized about the emptiness of survival motives.

I thought I could always hide when family reunion happening. And with a little imagination.. upstairs, maybe on the 3rd floor, in an empty storage room full of antiques and a working grand piano inside. With a large, clean window facing the foggy mountains while the sky is pleasantly peaceful grey, raining.

And while I was exploring the room and playing the piano in the rain, I could hear the happy chattering below of my family. They leave me alone, knowing I am a loner, but they'd welcome me as well if I just want to grab some snacks.

I THOUGHT I could always be that girl.
But then many things have changed..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

18.15! Wow, a new record! Even more time to do lots of stuff today!
And another good news: no more [email protected]#$%#!!!*#&!! tomorrow and beyond! Finally I can sleep tight and STAY 'home' starting from tonight!! Woohoo..! :lol
Let's see if I can truly break-solve the unsolvable jam no.1 too! > *Counter-survival!!*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Aaargh I want J.Co donuts!!__
And tons of fruit & vegs to balance them!
_ ..and some interesting cases to read.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

No, the question is not, "Why am I here?"
My real question is, "Why on earth am I here, dropped in a universe with all the _RULES_ _I HATE?!?!!!?!_ With no means of conscious choice in the first place!!?!"
Here I am, with gun pointed to my head, "You MUST live, you must *make it* to the end!!! AND FOLLOW all the *RULES** or else*_!!!!!_"


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*...*

I'm grateful that despite I felt dizzy this morning, I made it going out to get some food. Apparently I'm not cut out yet for water fasting 24 hr. Either that was low blood pressure or anemia, it's hard enough for me, felt like _dying__!!_ Maybe next time I've got new, surplus resources I'd donate some to the orphans & street kids (and cats of course!).
[GROUND ZERO: *Instinctive* act/decision only.]

Thank god I made it to fetch some important supplies too.

Thank god I made it to my 2nd home when I was about to collapse the 3rd time! And thank goodness there's a long comfy seat in the terrace for me to lie down for a while, with an understanding land lady that didn't mind me being a sometimes awkward lone wolf.

Thank goodness for this fast & unlimited wifi, the abundance of clean water, the all day serenity, the privacy, my TV-cellphone, the cheap but delicious & satisfying breakfast, the abundant electricity, and my current level of self-acceptance & mastery!

Thank goodness I'm getting better as I took breakfast slowly & still having this blood increasing supplement for emergency (and not forgetting to take it with me today).

I'm aware my life is not perfect but I'll just be grateful for everything now in the moment.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

..For the universe branches starting from _now_..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

And despite being the source of criticism PTSD and other deep conflicting values, I'm quite grateful for my loads of painting supplies & tools. With my current & upcoming level of self-discovery, who knows what I can do with them! Fresh, new path is waiting..!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Ahh.. to be able to freely take a nap no matter how long in your own home is heavenly!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

I've got a strange dream.. 'strange' not because of the surrealism, this is quite real life based. It's strange for I haven't thought about this for a long time: about an old crush -oops!-

In this dream, thank goodness, I was being the new, current me (instead of old-small me like many times occurred), but at one point in a scene I've still got the same subtle-but-significant defensive reaction (well, more or less I runaway from him without saying anything, hehe..)

Why did I have this dream? I've taken all the new path since few years ago, I've changed much. There's no way I'm going back to that kind of people who, from my judgement (usually correct), have family as their main value. I don't even dare to find out his whereabouts now! And if there's still defense - and I'm not sure I'm going to drop it in anytime soon - why still bother?

Maybe I still have some feelings for it but at the same time I want something new, something safe & comforting but playful & *mysterious*, most importantly _VULNERABLE_ (not sure if I can do completely zero defense though). But I admit this new 'dream' still feels far away, and I've still got this unsolvable jam no.2 too.

Hmm...

***

I don't normally speak freely about this but it's good to have something to ponder about besides the old chaotic stress about my painting projects/'being an artist' puzzle!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Yay! Despite being in a turmoil, I'm still be able to enjoy a hot chamomile tea!! Somewhat already magical enough for me! :lol 








And I just realized I've got so much good & pleasantly curious stuff in my laptop. Hmm..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Looking at my new watercolor painting palette..
_Damn it!!
I want to paint, okay! I want to do something, anything with it...!!
_
* BUT..*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

No, this can't be rooted just in the unsolvable jam no.2, either the ceaseless comparison part or complex defense mechanism. There has to be a deeper cause for this persistent quake!! Still frequently showing up despite the massive exploration in those areas!

..and I think I see something..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

...

_"About unsolvable jam no. 2
If that _rule* doesn't exist*_, even never did since the first place....
Would you be okay with the situation and let it go?"
_
_"YES."_

..oh. my. god..!!
....


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Ahh.. another moment of a cup of hot refreshment and the rain! This time it's instant soy milk, and a delicious set of rice breakfast. It's cheap, nutritious enough, and plenty that I can save it for dinner as well. So grateful! :3

Enjoy my mood of the day!: 
The above photo is photoshoped. My house + tea plantation I happened to visit a long time ago. Still love the atmosphere. Rain, fresh air, peace, all beautiful greens around so widely spread... just heavenly!! I'd love to go there again one day.

By the way the drink gets cold as I wrote this, haha.. no matter, I'll make another one later! :lol


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Alright! Another looong nap!! Precious!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

And for this late afternoon: a cup of hot instant milk tea & slices of chocolate velvet cake!  All while watching some video about color pencil blending techniques, added with my rainy mood songs.. comfy..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*...*










TAKEN ABACK by my own reflection..
Looking at myself more whole.. not just the storms, volcanoes, or the weak & extraordinarily vulnerable spots, but something more.. unpredictable potentials and the combination of all those..
_MULTIDIMENSIONAL me.._
Overwhelming both in pleasant and rather disturbing way!
Moment like this reminds me why clarity is precious!

Aaargh I badly need those fruits & veggies right now but damn it they're more expensive than comfort food!! Nature is everywhere and supposedly free, why everything has to be owned by private parties??!!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Got inspired to buy vegetables on traditional market..! I mean, so far I've been looking for those in malls & grocery stores only and so of course it's 3 to 5 times more expensive. Extraordinarily cheap veggies in plenty of amount is treasure for me! :lol

But to think about it again, I've got reasons to buy from malls: I was looking for the ORGANIC ones. And now that I bought from traditional vendors I guess I need to be wary if I were to eat them raw. So today I cooked the spinach for a while, and maybe I'll do that as well for the next veggies days to come, until I've got resources to buy (or even grow myself) organic.

I'm aware that up to now I've got no idea how to significantly improve my situation, still the ever inner war, but for the moment I'll just be grateful for this kind of abundance I've _discovered_. 

***
_discovered, discovery, discovering_
Very important word to me. Because if I can open up a new door today.. imagine what I can open tomorrow, or in a few hours or minutes from now on! What new path can unfold..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Do some happy-peaceful mood photographs count as art? Anyway, enjoy! Even better if you're accompanied by chill jazz songs, a cup of iced milk tea & slices of velvet cakes or other savory snacks like I'm having now  ..after some cooked veggies before though.








​









These are my happy memories in a tea plantation. Imagine the cool, fresh air, the sheltering grey but serene clouds, birds singing, the sun rising from behind the mountains/valleys, the aroma of brewing tea..​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Ahh.. to be able to do whatever you want at ANY time frame is heavenly!  No sense of mental & emotional attachment around! NO EXPECTATIONS!

..time to touch that watercolor palette (even if it's just resulting in huge inner conflicts) while listening to mystery audiobooks!! Alright! ..and maybe some snacks too.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Another sandstorm..!! From 3 directions at once!*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Last night I enjoyed an amazing movie: The Adventures of Tintin (2011).
Okay, okay maybe for you, all the trend followers, this is considered 'old'.
But when I watched this again maybe for the 3rd time, how did my friends or anyone else said shallow comments about this??
"It's okay, not too exciting, " a friend said after watched it on cinema years ago.
Are you kidding me, it's incredible!! Just look at the majestic ship, ocean water, the clothes' movement, the well-choreographed fights, the coherent story, the music.. I can't 'believe' this is actually NOT _real! _Did you even open your eyes? Ah.. no, I guess it's more like, "Did you use your _brain_ when watching this?"
This is a manifestation of wonder & awe!
While the fact is there might be many movies like this, still I can't fathom why one wont treat this as something *unique*, a masterpiece!! 
While you compare this to other movies, reviewing its 'good & bad' in a dry-objective manner, I treat this like an individual: precious. I can cherish this work again & again, deriving new insights as I watch over & over.
Why can't the world stop for a moment, enjoying some things already existed for a while? Why it has to move on so fast for the sake of moving??

Whatever, world. If that's how it's _supposed_ to work, I WONT join you in any way. (It's) YOU (who shall) adapt to _*ME*__!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Grateful again for the kind strangers..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*[Celebrating Ego] Is it in my DNA?*

















​
I'm a natural home-based philosopher, but I've got wanderlust.
I'm a highly sensitive artist, but I also have a knack for survival stuff & weapons.
I'm dead serious & subtle, but some part of me got a passion of a practical adventurer.

Is this because it's written somewhere in my whole physical entity, the desire for real adventures (besides the inward one)? Or just a side effect of being an artist - which is able to tune in to, _absorbing_ many characters?

But I do have quite many family members (extended, not immediate) who are like this. The light-weight, less sensitive, travelers, extroverted, egalitarian, trial-and-error people. At some points in my life I was also attracted (crushes, ehem..) to men of this type although now has slightly changed..

This is curious, but the question is what should I do with it? This combination so far only resulting in conflict not cooperation.

When I focus on my sensitive side, I'm afraid of missing out the stronger one.
When I'm going on a rougher adventure, I'm afraid I'm neglecting my artistic talents & vulnerable-aesthetic side.
When I'm doing a work of art, I'm afraid missing out another better potential ideas of creation!
When I'm exploring new things that may end up in a 'change' in my character (as I'm naturally curious!), I'm afraid I'll LOSE my true self!! And HATE it when people interpret the exploration (the 'masks') as the real me!

..because life is short, time & energy is limited!
I just want to be me, 100% authentic! But I don't even know which side is the true me (in which I shall focus most) and which is not!
(No, please don't tell me to just write adventure books or games, it's not the same. :/)

And talking about those happy-go-lucky relatives & friends of mine, of course they moved on relatively easy with their lives.
I bet they don't deal with deep questions. 
Satisfied about how the world works and just 'go with the flow' (can be +, -, or neutral context). 
Never asked about the meaning of life, only either following survival instinct, pain and pleasure-based reactions, or what religions told them - not that they're the devoted ones, but unlike me who is grave serious and become OPENLY agnostic (and shocked everyone) once I decided I'm not satisfied, they keep the religion despite they may occasionally behave otherwise in daily life.
I'm an ICONOCLAST, while they are tolerant tinkerers & entertainers one way or another.

While they are satisfied just to be able to bend reality, I'm only up for wiping this universe out totally and writing the new, ideal one from SCRATCH!
They will never deal with conflicting values to the point of potentially changing their entire life & personality!
And so of course they moved on, while I'm stuck here. And I HATE them for that. I'm not even kidding. Right now I hate them. I HATE to LOSE in any way whatever the context is!

And so, when I stumbled upon suicide cases of people of this type - "tears of the clowns" - on the internet, I actually rejoice..!! >
I want to see these clowns SUFFERING.
I want to hear these sunny boys & girls CRYING.
I want to know them having REAL PROBLEMS!
I want to caught them in the midst of MISERY (provided it's _by no means_ extreme), RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!
Even if they are family, even if I've got a piece of the DNA (still not me, right? Muhahahaa..!), even if some might be my potential lover!
I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU FACING A *DEAD END*!!

Nope, I don't want to cooperate, to go on adventures with them as their life interpretation would be different than mine.
Their clown-like (I don't like this word actually) enthusiasm would blow my divinity-oriented feelings away.
Not to mention this unsolvable jam no. 2 I've got now.

At a glance, you (talking about real life people or _experiences_ of the same character) are indeed charming, I admit that. But in many occasions I interact with you in real life, I barely found significant depth. Disappointing..

Conflict, conflict.

Hmm.....

____

..in another case, for a strange reason I'm glad that the _other_ kind of people, certain jerks, are our *MUTUAL* ENEMIES!! Good god so relieved that it's NOT about _just_ my vibe - at least I've got company in this!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Wait the minute.. I sense something is changing within.. more freedom even if this just one door opening. _C'est incroyable_._.!!_

_"__I see you.__"_

*speechless*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Why can't I wipe this universe out and make a new one from scratch?
Never realized how this issue is quite big for me until now!

Not that I hate myself or anything I've got already, but still...
If I were wanting something else there's nothing I could do about it!
It's the POWERLESSNESS that's getting to me!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Unsolvable jam no.2..
I DON'T WANT THIS ICKY FEELING & ITS DERIVATIONS!!
Makes me so small, so lost & fragile, _*extremely* VULNERABLE!!!_
I don't want to dwell on this pool of emotion for too long! So far I've explored this much & understand a lot but why the stabs keep coming?! Now which way to go? Shall I continue or will I find answers by distractions?!? But I instinctively feel these voices as valid parts of me that deserve to be heard!
And yet this bad water is starting getting on my nerves!!
What's even the _purpose_ of this??!!?

I asked this question partly deliberately, not only for a spontaneous expression of despair because despite of it, I can sense one..









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

EXPECTATIONS are _indeed_ *KILLING* me!!!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
...
Some trigger surfaced and made me *EXTREMELY* ANGRY, again!! 
This is age-old but has been one of my main issues (never fear, *no stones would be left unturned!!*), almost every time it shows up it's revealing a new 'dimension' - later, on the other side of the coin, a new understanding of the source of my anger on this.

_THIS IS WHY I *QUIT* EMPATHY!!!_
It only leads to SELF-SUPPRESSION!!!! DENIAL of one's OWN TRUE FEELINGS IN FAVOR OF _SOMEONE ELSE'S_!!!!!! WHAT HUGE INSULT!!!!

YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT *MY *& OUR FEELINGS _IN THE FIRST PLACE_!!!!!!!
_WHY WOULD I_ OR WE WANT TO 'UNDERSTAND' YOURS YOU CREATURES ONLY DESERVE TO DWELL IN SWAMPS AND KILL YOURSELVES?!?!?!!?!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
Wait, WHAT??!

_ I do _NEVER_ wanted that kind of life!! _

YOU!! SMALL ME!! How dare you absorbing all these parasites polluting my ocean??!!?!! _Nagging_ me over and over and over with the most meaningless, emptiest, shallowest *EXPECTATIONS* I *NEVER care* about in the slightest!!!!!
You want me to be like them, doing all the things they are doing just because everybody is doing it??!!! You're forcing me to _follow the crowd_ (eww!), going against own instincts??!!

And thus you SUPPRESS my TRUE nature of being an iconoclast of which forging new paths is actually her *STRENGTH*?!?!!!! Whose voice is actually, "When everybody's doing it then it's the wrong way for me"?!?!! Planting this feeling of _inferiority_ *instead of PRIDE* of my UNIQUENESS/INDIVIDUALITY??!?!! Want me to JUST ADAPT?!?!?!

_You want me to ACCEPT ORDINARINESS & *SATISFIED* being an AVERAGE?!?!?!!!
_
*You're FINISHED alright!!!!*

EVERYONE, KILL THEM!!! *KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!!*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Oh. My. God.
Just stumbled upon some _big, nailed-it_ treasure!! 
I really could use this! Finally same-resonance answers??!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I ♥ Sweets!*






Drinking a sweet, hot cup of milk tea for a late afternoon snack.. :3


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
You MUST _*CONNECT*_ with others because you MUST *SURVIVE* via _SOCIAL *RULES*!!_
You MUST LIVE!!!

_MUST MUST MUST *MUST* MUST!!!!!

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_"You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain"
.....
_








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*♜♞♜*































































​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_"No!! NOT *significant* *ENOUGH*!!!"_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Empath..*







































































The truth is I do have those potentials.
But ego is ego. It wont empathize with those of others except in circumstances I consciously-decidedly give permission to.
Another truth is these are also not really me. 
Never been my direct experience, every stories just coming polluting my unsuspecting large ocean.. except some few, brief but DEEP encounters that are truly real..

Multiple layers.. god I'm already hurt & confused..​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Truth Time #1*

​
_I HATE this country!_

Ugly people, ugly cities, ugly environments, ugly places, shallow fish, agreeable lambs, sharp-righteous snakes, sleazy-ridiculing bvstvrds. Ignorant shyts!!!
No matter how high it can accomplish, no matter how the people are in many aspects are actually better than anywhere else, no matter who they are in profession, no matter how they're internationally acclaimed, no matter how many geniuses this set of islands has produced.
No matter how uniquely mysterious it could be, no matter how many sunken ships with loads of treasures buried under it's seas.
No matter how many good memories I actually have about this place, no matter how many kind relatives I've actually got in my DNA network.

 _It will *NEVER* be ENOUGH!!!!_
(Exceptions maybe: kind strangers, for that I'm very grateful.)

Ever inferior!

Just realized I've never really cared about what's happening in it.
Every events are insignificant (except some extreme ones that truly need to be ERADICATED from the whole multiverse!!!)
Everything happening doesn't matter.
No good guys worth put on pedestals.
No evil scums worth psychologists' understanding. (Only DEATH, no, *TORTURE* is their match!!!)
Not even any terrorists' bombing worth full attention.

*Simply DON'T MATTER!*

I'll always favor another faraway lands.






They seem better, more intelligent, more sophisticated, more MYSTERIOUS in much better contexts, more magical, with much more beautiful surroundings, beautiful people pleasant to look at on the streets, much higher quality work of art & technology, more sense of MEANING in their lives (even the jerks seems 'worthier' as a challenge!).








​
When I travel around in my country, local tourist places, even some camping or hiking in heavenly spots in the past, I still feel empty as ever. NONE of those exploration matters!!
I didn't feel the mystery I'm looking for, I didn't meet interesting characters, I didn't get the sense of real, meaningful ADVENTURE!
Everywhere I look there's only survival, survival, survival, ignorance, ignorance, ignorance!! Annoying expressions of low life-desires!

Don't argue with me, okay?!
Because I know this is true, objectively factual at least to certain extent.
Despite in the latest few days I've realized where this initially-unconscious hatred came from and thus now I have more liberty to choose different path, I still agree with it.
Even if some of these people _agree with me in hating_ this place, most likely I'll despise them as they have all the different reasons that would *furiously* CLASH with that of mine!
If only you see my country..

The majesty & beauty of a mountain would completely VANISHED once I look at the people who dwell in its valley!!
The highly ornamented buildings with historical value would LOST its magic once I found what kind of people roaming around the areas!
The beauty of a highly-skilled work of art would VAPOR right away once somebody around or even the artist her/himself speaks about it in no depth and just 'move on' like that!

When I read adventures in countries abroad, I felt fascinated, can't wait to just fly away from here, going towards the lands where 'everything is better', magical, _*FULFILLING*_.
The mystery of ancient, forgotten languages, undiscovered knowledge, buried secrets _worth_ revealing are waiting!

But lately I began to doubt them, so plenty of shallowness & atrocities just the same!! Even this sole site, I began to realize, has become one of mini samples of the world out there. Basically same categories of people, same _tones_ of problem variations.
People out there with all the differences, apparently many just act the same: seeing the world through the lens of familiarity & ORDINARINESS.

What now?
Where is, WHAT shall be my expression of this wanderlust & inner investigator??
Just realized I absolutely want _NOTHING_ to do with this country, these people, all the attachment to everything in it!

And yet what I truly want is not another country, another place I might belong to, a spatial environment where I can stay forever for the rest of my life. (Okay, I could use that too though.)
What I really want is FREEDOM from all of them. No citizenship, no rules, zero attachment. Freely & boldly roaming like eagles, living as a free human, as _the happy_ _Stranger..!_






_"One Light"
Composer: Yuki Kajiura
Performer: Kalafina

surely, all the hearts
you have encountered
were no mistake, not one.
i thought of the people
who bore the same dreams
and changed their paths.
holding on
to my weather-beaten longings,
i press on through the wilderness.

since neither smiles
nor those tears of yours
can be forsaken here,
we hold on
to the silhouettes of summer;
there's a flag
so high, so white
that belongs to a nameless you and I.

beyond this road
that still continues on endlessly,
there's just the one light
within thousands of hearts.
i believe
in the sky I see above me.
with my guiding star
high to the east,
i point to it.
with these hands,
I can make my dreams come true

holding an innocent map, one that
has been snatched by
fingers that have failed to extend,
over my head,
i go against the cold, wintry wind.
unable to convey
the things that have been sullied,
i go towards a tomorrow
that begins from here;
a dark, vast land.

your small sigh
that will supposedly scatter
pierces my heart and i go,
so that i will not
become lost within
this closed night

beyond this time that
still continues on endlessly,
i wish for your smile
to surely shine.
i believe that
our restless feelings
will become closer
and bind us;
a sky you have dreamt of

carrying a weather-beaten longing
that has been seized by
fingers that
struggled and fell,
i will be able to go.

beyond this road
that continues on endlessly,
there's just one light
within thousands of hearts.
The sky i see above me
is persistently blue
and continues beyond
the range of cries.

in these vast lands
that still remain scorched,
i wish for greenery
to finally begin to sprout.
i used to believe that
a resounding singing voice
could go far.
within our hearts
that remain nameless,
a world where light shines begins._
​
***
And while I've got this black hole of the lack of significance that (I know intuitively) will never be satisfied*, there's also another related persistent darkness of the unavoidable, unsolvable jam no. 2.

Perfect. :/

_____
*) ..unless I move up to higher level of being, which I intuit is possible via unconditional self-love/acceptance. [I can sense how this can be 'done' physically..! :shock]


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Lack-originated vs Expression-originated
Simplicity vs Complexity
Comfort zone vs Adventure & Mystery


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Prepare for Unsolvable Jam No. 4*

_"Impossible! IMPOSSIBLE! *IMPOSSIBLE!!* IMPOSSIBLE!! ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
Remember, Adrian.
You've been through *LOTS* of khamsins before, passed the tests of _huge_ doubts and truly not small in numbers! And you've got the results real & solid!
Keep holding on to that most honest voices. 
*One for all, all for one!*​


Prince Adrian said:


> I'm proud of myself for being braver and braver expressing my true self, breaking countless masks & mirrors that's been aggressively suppressing my true feelings/natural reactions - 'good' or 'bad'.
> 
> I'm proud of myself going towards the path I'm very sure true for me almost without external validations.
> 
> ...


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*"Illumina!"*








​
What am I doing wrong?
How can I be so lost, trapped in a black hole with seemingly unsolvable puzzle doors??

Going towards what _slightly_ disturbs me (a.k.a "scary but potentially rewarding" a.k.a "treasures behind death traps" a.k.a fear _with excitement_ behind)..
It's in my blood, the urge to investigate, curious about the unknown. To 'bring light' upon the dark.
But sometimes what I found behind the closed curtains were not all inspiring, innocent, pleasantly mind-bending, sweet kind of surprise. They could be shocking in *dreadful* way, extremely bitter, just _so dark the con of man_. Even though I only 'witness' those indirectly, not my real experience, I'm still deeply affected & traumatic no one would understand if they just look at my external life - not to mention if they're the insensitive happy-happily-ever-after!

For that reason, later in my life I limit my investigation areas & methods, knowing who I am a little better. Yet I haven't really found where I shall channel this energy to. Just not satisfied!!

_Sensitivity vs Curiosity & sense of Adventure._​
Follow the sensitive part and then I become restless to get back on the road.
Listen to the adventurous part and then I regret bumping on extremely annoying people I'd love to KILL on the spot!

You truly can't underestimate inner world for it *DEFINITELY* affects the outer. (Curse these vampires planted on my mind that suppress & suppress & keep saying my struggles are _NOTHING_ *compared* to that of others who are more physical in character!! *CURSE IT!!!*)

And so the fluctuation, overwhelm, PTSD, conflicts, and DISGUST to *humanity* have paralyzed me!!!!*

***

Wait, no.. no!
This could be actually the sign that I'm on the right track!
*Getting lost, new zones to explore* despite (or.. _'and'??_) it IS arduous.. are the very characteristics of adventure - the one I actually favor most!!**










_"..trapped in a black hole with seemingly unsolvable puzzle doors??"_​
Now if I ask myself again, 
"If there is an 'inviting', opening door in an old mansion dark all over, a black hole in the outer space, and you sense instinctively there's something very interesting worth revealing despite all the _(reasonable)_ *risk*, what would you do?"
_"Get *INTO* it, EXPLORE it anyway of course!! :boogie"_ (..with survivalist' level of preparation.)

Oh god..
I think I can sleep a little better today (still grateful for the relief even it's just a bit).. wow..
Self-understanding *is* my savior.

_____

*) **) Although I do want & wish that adventures don't have to be that way, too dark, just.. I don't even want to elaborate.

God I want happy investigations not the depressing ones!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> Wait, no.. no!
> This could be actually the sign that I'm on the right track!
> *Getting lost, new zones to explore* despite (or.. _'and'??_) it IS arduous.. are the very characteristics of adventure - the one I actually favor most!!**
> 
> ...


Hey, hey, heeeyy..

This I guess answers, makes sense about my recent strange feeling, that among the storm I can feel even if it's just a flash: there's a part of me that's _actually_ *ENJOYING* this rocky journey!!

It's CURIOUS about how this eventually turns in the end, _solidly_ expecting mostly the good & magical revelations but in OPEN MINDED way, not expecting results to be some certain form _("It wont be surprising/exciting if the result already predicted." _..oh wow! This voice alone surprises even me!_ :shock)_ yet still pointing towards the positive spectrum of the stars.

Now that's a thin ray of clue for non-attachment (a.k.a freedom)..! 
[Center-based up-level reminder: Okay with _UNCERTAINTY_ = *higher* level SAFETY!]


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Hold on..
This curious inner child that's now on the spotlight.. could as well be one of the main keys - if not the main key - for door no. 4!!





...
And some flat mates outside mentioned about malls few minutes ago. I noticed something.. but I don't want to use my motorbike now, don't want to spend money on fixing/changing a tire, those money I could use for food for 2 weeks! With these traps still exist my mind told me not to follow every impulse even with potential treasures I could find.
Okay, lets meditate on it..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_ Not valid!! YOUR BAD FEELINGS ARE JUST *NOT VALID!!!*
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT WAY!!
NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!!NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!!NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! NOT VALID!!! *NOT VALID!!!* *NOT VALID AT ALL!!!*
NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! NOT ALLOWED!!! 
NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! NOT SUPPOSED TO!!! *NOT SUPPOSED TO!!!*
WITH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE GOT YOU CAN'T FEEL ANGER VENGEFUL INSULTED ETC IN ANY WAY!!!! YOU *JUST CAN'T*!!!!!
YOU MUST NOT HAVE BAD EMOTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!
_














​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Inclusive*

_








_​_
To live by the truth. 
Truth and truth only. 
Good, bad, and everything.

No voice left unheard, no stone left unturned. 
Not a single shipmate left behind.
One for all, all for one.
If necessary, we would all sink with you. We would go to jail with you.
We would all wail for your grief. We would all roar for your rage.
We would accept every consequence of validating you.

Compliance and resistance.
Resistance of acceptance.
Acceptance of resistance.
Resistance against resistance.
I include them all.

To accept all truths within.
Or else I wont be able to look in the mirror.
Or else I can't live with myself 'till the end of time.

Wherever the storms out there are pointing to, forcing us directions.
How powerful the ocean can drift us so far away.
How frightening the abyssal creatures underneath the water could be.
Now I'm not that much of a coward, for I've got my crews with me.

Less backstabbs means more focused energy.
Energy means clarity & power this ship could really use..
..how it longs for meaningful plays & fulfillment not just going on afloat.

To act on truths within..
..to hurt or not to hurt is not the question.
For many times authenticity does need 'sacrifice'.

__









_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_One for all, all for one._
_ *Not* because I have to._
_ But because I genuinely love you._
_ Instinctively *knowing* you're valid part of me._​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

What I need now are solid-strong stakes for my tent as well as for killing all vampires on the way.​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Ground Zero, *GROUND ZERO*, GROUND ZERO

_***​_..this is why I quit talking & connecting further with people!!_

_







_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Chaos!!*








​
_[email protected]#$%&*;"?#{!!!!!!!_​
_
...
Now, focus on now!
You don't have that much of a problem now.
Now is all you've really got..
And the universe is branching from now not later..
_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_NO! You're NOT ALLOWED to paint FOR YOURSELF!!! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE ART OR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING *FOR YOURSELF* ONLY!!!! YOU *MUST* PLEASE OTHERS!!!!

__ REPEAT: 
*YOU. MUST. PLEASE. OTHERS*!!!!!_​_ 
YOU MUST PLEASE OTHERS SO YOU CAN SURVIVE!!!!!!!
FOLLOW *THEIR* STANDARDS, *THEIR* RULES, MARKET'S TASTE!!!!!!
OR ELSE YOU'LL BE JUDGED AS EGOTISTICAL (*IT'S BAAAAAAAAAD!!!!*) NARCISSISTIC AND NO ONE LIKES IT (*BAAAAD FOR YOUR SURVIVAL!!!!*)!!!!!! WHAT'S THE USE OF BEING *UNIQUE* IF NO ONE LIKES IT???!?!!!
MUST SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF *OTHERS' *HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND EVERYTHING MUST RESULT IN *MONEY* NO TIME FOR DOING THINGS FOR FUN SAKE!!!!!

__ *NO MONEY* REWARD = *NO USE* DOING IT!!!!!!_​_ 
THAT'S JUST HOW LIFE SUSTENANCE WORKS NO OTHER CHOICE!!!!!!!!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I see even clearer now where this unsolvable jam no. 1 came from..!

_​
_LET. ME. GO. YOU BVSTVRD!!!!!
I WANT SAFETY BY FREEDOM & POWER NOT AVOIDANCE OR WORSE: *COMPROMISE*!!!!!!!!!!
GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!!!
I DON'T WANT THIS VIBE ANYMORE!!!!
I'LL FOLLOW *MY* STARS WHETHER YOU OR ANYONE LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!!! I'LL *INVESTIGATE* ANYTHING I WANT IN MY WAY *MY* RULES WHETHER YOU OR ANYONE AGREE WITH IT OR NOT!!!!!!! I'LL GO WHEREVER I WANT WHEN I WANT WITH OR WITHOUT ANYONE I WANT!!!! DON'T CARE ABOUT OUTSIDE PERMISSIONS I ONLY LISTEN TO *MY* GUT INSTINCTS NOT ANYONE ELSE'S!!!!!!
I'M AN *ICONOCLAST* A PIONEER WHO'S NATURALLY GOT OWN SHIP TO COMMAND I LIVE MY LIFE WITH *MY* RULES I INVENT MYSELF NOT THE WORLD'S!!!!!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Now, time to s s h . .*








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_"We've got bad news. We've only got one bullet."
"What's the good news?"
"We've got ONE bullet." _


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

hidden agenda..
HIDDEN AGENDA
*HIDDEN AGENDA!*
HIDDEN AGENDA!!!
_EVERYTHING & ANYTHING FOR 
SURVIVAL *SAKE*!!!!!!!_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Because WHEN GRATITUDE BECOMES A _MUST_, IT'S_ JUST ANOTHER *VAMPIRE*!!!!_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Realized when I was being nice for a long time, my *inner wolf* gets CRANKY!

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Because my primary instinct is.. to go
AGAINST the world._​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Trinary Star System*








​
That's why I failed to solve this, didn't see it this way!
The voice no. 2 would not stop until I challenge the no. 1: going *TOWARDS* connection-based _death_ instead of away from it. It wants proof that I'm FREE. Only then it would grant me access, allow me to do anything at all. 
But it's definitely *with* solo-survival's side, the voice no. 3.
So, social suicide it is..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Δ Against the World*










Means (not only) allowing mistakes & problems to happen, in fact _actively _*looking for* them!!
..as long as it's in the right direction.​
_"Because only when you're able to take all potential social failure consequences, 
then I'll allow you to flourish in that same path!
Prove me you're FREE already!!"_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_Remember, it has to be in the *right direction*._

I don't want any of those ugly-useless fish (not even fish, but garbage cans!) anymore!!
I want worthy puzzles & challenges not just the _seemingly_ cool ones on the surface I've proven wrong by experience!!!

Damn it all I want is just to *authentically* be ME without restrictions!!!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Not As Fun As It Seems*


















​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Not As Fun As It Seems*



























​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Not as fun as it seems..*








​
..but I think I know why now (at least one key)!

These just are, the way they 'are', but it's not about fatality. Just nothing's wrong or right with these. Freedom to choose..

Putting the works inside of you, holding onto it like it's your child. Very personal about it. Can't let it go. Enveloping, swallowing.. it's your expression of and identity.

Or,

It's outside now. You're letting out what's inside. From within to without. You don't own it anymore. It's a flow. Change is a certainty when you stop holding on. (Thus..?) that burden/'responsibility' of _identity_ is relieved..!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_*AGITATED*!! HIGHLY *CONFUSED*!!!_

_I don't really want to connect with people but I don't want to hurt the innocents either!!!
I want to be free to fluctuate between "good" and "bad"!! I'd love to help others but I want to stay as a stranger non-attached!! I want to be freely going against the world as well!!!
Don't know how to feel anymore about humans - those other thinking creatures outside of me!!!!
_







​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I sense.. hope!!_
​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_"Show me you *don't need* others' approval to survive!!
SHOW ME!!!!"

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Vampire, vampire not..*

_8 arrow vs 7 arrow
HSP/empath vs sociopath
innate vs upbringing
soft vs harsh
genuine article vs masks
secure vs insecure
break through vs adapt/FIT IN!
egalitarian.. vs ..prince [oxymoron??!!]
kill vs charm

hate people (RULES!!) vs help people as stranger
hate kids vs love & protect the innocents

wanting fully predictable universe vs wanting adventures
control vs curiosity

self-expression vs self-hiding
to move to whatever directions vs to stay still waiting for sure signs
_


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_



"Pretend you are retired.

What would you do? Geez, it's so hard for people to relax and do something enjoyable without worrying about the future. Arrrrgh. Dammit, just RELAX! Listen to me! Pretend you are retired. What would you do? Study wild plants? Rescue stray animals? Go traveling? Motivate people to not make the same mistakes you did? Become a sculptor? Paint? Write?"

Click to expand...

_Now I know why every door is closed for me.
(1) Every channel of energy is tainted with investor's mind. It wants REWARD in everything. Profit or loss, praise or criticism. The concept of fun became so foreign. Even if the child awakened, soon it would be eclipsed by the experiences of the grown up one: that (2) *things are often not what they seem*. Unpleasant surprises that awaits in the corner.

The activities it has no intention of capitalizing are just *eating & sleeping*!! I definitely can enjoy those eyes closed, oh pure fun! Doing it is a reward in itself, oh ho ho finally I got it!! :/ While the rest of it goes straight to the (3) black hole of "I'm NOT meaningful ENOUGH", became *SO SERIOUS*, each must result in something: a skill, an experience, a masterpiece no less, a knowledge, a sense of meaning purpose etc etc!! *

Satisfied now??!?!*​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Giving up.*











> Get to a point where nothing matters anymore.


This, I got it.. almost miraculously..​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #1: Paradox of UnFear (part 1)*

_WAIT.._

Before all this mess,

I was never afraid to be unpopular, that's why I used to be.. popular, a 'likable' *maverick!*
I was never afraid to go against others' opinion/being bullied, I was solid-sure about what I believed in-thanks to my upbringing & my natural inner lone wolf, what I stood for at that time (now changed though, but just as strong), that's why I was never bullied (at most it's individual enmity).
I didn't care if I were to get bad grades or fail a class if I didn't cheat like the others, I believed in my values, that's why instead I became one of the best.
I made it through schools with self-esteem because of both my high empathy & stubbornness.
I did partly feel that studying was an obligation, but for the most part the feeling of curiosity was more dominating. I loved many subjects, I thought of them as puzzles!

I was not afraid to make mistakes in English conversation course, that's why instead I again became the very best.
In this case there's almost no sense of responsibility, it's all fun & games! I was curious, I wanted to stay with the others to learn for the test (what is that? Just another fun puzzle solving session!) while the teacher told me I'm the one he's not worry about. It's simply because I love learning it _for its own sake_. You can guess the end result: fully flying colors!

Okay, okay..
Despite all the light, there existed the darkness too I had unconsciously suppressed, and now like it or not they want my full attention. I wont blame them (but I would, maybe, partly the world outside though) for my latest years' demise because I.. kind of like myself better now. I feel stronger from the center, even more authentic, more confident in all my light & *shadow**. But that's for another story.

Now remembering the paradox of not being afraid.. could be my other significant key for the present puzzle (oh no, no more trivia quizzes, no more grammatical mind games, it's now very DEEP & grand ones!).
Why didn't I afraid? Because I had _faith_ in something!!
I knew if I stayed on the true path (what I believed that time), I would be fine, god will help me. I'd rather die than doing the wrong thing! Even if I did have to 'die' then it's for the best.

That's what I'm not having now!!
That former faith became outdated as I unintentionally broke through the labyrinth of logic, revealing another new world very enchanting to my investigative nature! And with the exciting risk of getting _lost_, I stepped out, accepting the call of adventures..








​
..to the Great Sea of Unknown.

Now my compass is not religion, manuscripts, social codes, authorities out there telling me what to do, what to believe in.
As I investigated more inside, I discovered the greatest treasure so far: INTUITION. Since then my compass has been from within.
But then in my inward exploration I've found also occurrences defying logic & any rules out there. That's why I distrusted the outside world even further, so flawed & eventually they don't really know anything!!

What's hard in this new approach is there's no more authorities for me to look up to. All is now up to me. And the navigation tools inside are sometimes go against one another. Now I don't have faith in anything, nothing left but myself and intuition that's still unstably flickering. I don't have any direction except "being myself 100%" while I still don't really know who I am since the result in everything I do is often *not as I expected it to be!* I don't know what to do, what to believe, where to go. That's why I'm lost and AFRAID!!

There's no more life vest now, I can only survive on the sea by learning to float.. trusting the water will actually push me up not suck me down. In fact, that's how we learn to swim, isn't it? By stop panicking over drowning, that if you managed to stay calm, the water wont pull you in but instead it pressures you to float anyway even when you're doing nothing.

But then as I went deeper, more "dark matter"* showing themselves up, deterring my sense of direction even worse, and yet I don't really have a 'choice'. I love them. Intuitively I _know_ they're part of me, absolutely deserve my attention. In fact they became "dark" because I used to suppress them on or not on purpose.

_[To be continued.]_

______
*) "Darkness", "shadow", etc are just words I mostly use to describe the part of me I don't like or I used to not like. In reality it's more complex. Shadow can go against another shadow, light against other light, shadow chasing light, shadow protecting another shadow or light, shadow gives birth to both another light and shadow, my shadows AGAINST the world's/other people's shadows, etc.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> *) "Darkness", "shadow", etc are just words I mostly use to describe the part of me I don't like or I used to not like. In reality it's more complex. Shadow can go against another shadow, light against other light, shadow chasing light, shadow protecting another shadow or light, shadow gives birth to both another light and shadow, my shadows AGAINST the world's/other people's shadows, etc.


Oh wow, wait a minute.. in the midst of _play_ between light & shadow.. I sense *'LIGHT'*??!?





​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

^ This might as well my very answer..!!?!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
Woohoo! Finally it's raining now in the night, cats & dogs! Time for mystery radio drama & a hot refreshment!! ..or maybe just enjoying & starting acting on this latest treasure!





​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

..Just now, as I've made my hot milk tea and walking to the flat's balcony wanting to enjoy the heavy rain, I found the floor leading to it is flooding. Apparently the ceiling of a (fortunately) unoccupied room was heavily leaked.. okay, fully blown out! The rain water was freely pouring inside!

I notified the land lady which in turn she told the others about this. I think later she's expecting a repairman would come tomorrow.

Then I noticed, the thin flooding stopped just _right before_ my room! Hehee.. I think I can consider myself as lucky! :lol Thank goodness the rain stopped before it goes fully flooding all the floor. (There goes my 'lovely rainy night' moment, but still I love the rain.  Please, rain, come again, _in a better light_ next time!) I hope this is a good sign.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Talking about light & shadow..*



















_Scared, SO SCARED of the world out there!_

That's why I hate real life.
How far the gap between inside & outside world still is.
_Hate this contrast!!_

What's the point if you can't be & do everything you want?
What's the point if I'm not the one who writes this universe out to manifestation?
What's the point if you can't control everything?
​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> There's no more life vest now, I can only survive on the sea by learning to float.. trusting the water will actually push me up not suck me down.


Now that's.. the _faith_ I was looking for?!!


> In fact, that's how we learn to swim, isn't it? By stop panicking over drowning, that if you managed to stay calm, the water wont pull you in but instead *it pressures you to float anyway* even when you're doing nothing.


Oh.. oh wow.. speechless.. a real clue..
Let's see if I can keep going in this direction..









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Integramus*

*( Truth and truth only. )*

1: [highly sensitive]: _Sure I would help her, I can see she's respectful too and would take care of what she's borrowing from me. I will definitely help as a stranger, not that I want any return favor or anything but it's just I would love to accept the same kindness from other strangers myself when I really need it._
2: [SOCIOPATH]: _I can't help thinking & feeling "I DON'T REALLY CARE."!! Not that I want to hurt her or anything, I just D*ON'T CARE*!!!_

_NO!!! I don't want to hurt the innocents, that includes ignoring & rejecting them!
But I know lots of this autopilot-'nice person', empathetic-based reactions are originated from *MASKS*, INSECURITY!!!!!!!
_
_Now imagine if I become actually *SECURE*, what would my TRUE, more AUTHENTIC face be like??!!?!

 __ *SCARED!*_
_* SCARED!!*_
_* SCARED!!!*_
_* SCARED, SO VERY SCARED!!!!
*Sorry, I'm SO SORRY!!! *
The truth is I'M A WEREWOLF!!!!
*_​







​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

...less than an hour later, she returned back the thing she borrowed from me and in genuinely friendly tone told me to ask her if I need help anytime. I (of course) responded with the _latest_ autopilot, putting my 'half-mask' of kindness while suffering 'half-guilt' inside.

Now that struck another lightning:
One of my biggest issues is hating to ask for help.

_BUT *based on experience* I & my crews on the ship have *VALID reasons* to do so!!
_
Is there something here that would help me anyway..?
I'm desperate for answers now so I think I shall consider this.

_"But never fear my mates, I WONT. EVER. abandon anyone!!"

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> That's why I hate real life.
> How far the gap between inside & outside world still is.
> _Hate this contrast!!_
> 
> ...


While actually I'm grateful being me: this healthy & perfect physical body, the high level of intelligence, imperfect but still very above-average-consciousness family upbringing, wealthy middle class background, a set of 8/10-rated life experiences in the past, the kind strangers, the new peaceful dorm I've been living in, the abundance or resources I've enjoyed, and lately, despite my setbacks in the few years I've got massive progress in self-understanding & the ability to practically apply the insights..

STILL,

I CAN'T accept all the bad things that's happened/happening out there out of my immediate life circle!! I just *CAN'T*!!! How could such things even EXIST in the first place?!?!! Even remotely thinkable in some creatures' minds??!?!

Yes, yes, yes I want to save the innocents, SAVE THEM ALL no exceptions!!! If one day by miracle I manage to become a real investigator, and while I might get curious about a certain darkness & just love solving cases and I *fully admit* now my intention is 100% *egotistical* (I don't know, maybe 'save them all' only refers to 10% the force of good?), I don't want my pleasure to be originated from the existence of _extreme_ monsters!!!!

I accept that I _DON'T_ accept this FLAWED universe!!!!









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Another thing that bothers me is, despite the privilege/the lucky star, when I "got here",

I couldn't really choose my DNA make up, from which family I was born onto this world, the level of health both mental & physical of the family - nuclear & extended - that hugely affects the upbringing, the kind of friends, teachers, & strangers I bumped into during my earlier years of life, the country I was born.. even the FUTURE I would get. Despite these factors I can't control, that's been dropped on my lap, were the ones with high quality, I still can't shake the feeling of powerlessness.

I see others are 'satisfied' to just follow their basic instincts, or using /manipulating what they have to get by. NOT ME!! I'm not feeling fulfilled by just the choice of IMPROVISING!! _*I can't just be a MacGyver!!*_ I want to be the Master Alchemist, the Grand Master Age Writer (ref. Myst game) who can freely write worlds on personal taste.. no, the one and only *God Almighty*!!!!

_I want to be the one who set up all the RULES!!!_
​








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


Prince Adrian said:


> I couldn't really choose my DNA make up, from which family I was born onto this world, the level of health both mental & physical of the family - nuclear & extended - that hugely affects the upbringing, the kind of friends, teachers, & strangers I bumped into during my earlier years of life, the country I was born.. even the FUTURE I would get.


I really don't dare to imagine the ones who get the less lucky draws, even if it's 'just' my opinion. In fact, I *TRUST* all my feelings!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
In my search, quest, & creative efforts for the perfect universe, has my entire life been based solely on simulacra & simulations?!? Even if it's so, is that a bad thing? I did manage to MANIFEST _*a lot*_ anyway, come to think of it.

They said this whole life is just a hologram, cosmic illusion. But then how come we - *I*, because in this context only "I", the first person's perspective is valid - feel powerless? Despite all the stuff came to me as if by magic, still I can't change the RULES of how life is supposed to play (like the law of MONEY or law of HUMAN CONNECTION!!), can't change the unfortunate PAST either mine or that of others, can't really CREATE (just making shift & improvising things already there), can't REVERSE one's evil doings back to non-existence, can't make all the atrocities in the world disappear!!!

_Again, being just an explorer is *NOT ENOUGH!!!*_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*[SYNCHRONICITY] Mystery of Light*








​


Prince Adrian said:


> *) "Darkness", "shadow", etc are just words I mostly use to describe the part of me I don't like or I used to not like. In reality it's more complex. Shadow can go against another shadow, light against other light, shadow chasing light, shadow protecting another shadow or light, shadow gives birth to both another light and shadow, my shadows AGAINST the world's/other people's shadows, etc.





Prince Adrian said:


> Oh wow, wait a minute.. in the midst of _play_ between light & shadow.. I sense *'LIGHT'*??!?





Prince Adrian said:


> Then I noticed, the thin flooding stopped just _right before_ my room! Hehee.. I think I can consider myself as lucky! :lol Thank goodness the rain stopped before it goes fully flooding all the floor. (There goes my 'lovely rainy night' moment, but still I love the rain.  Please, rain, come again, *in a better light* next time!) I hope this is a good sign.





Prince Adrian said:


> That's why I hate real life.
> How far the gap between inside & outside world still is.
> _Hate this contrast!!_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I see, I got it..!!*










_But feeling dizzy now, 75% of my body is still yet to understand..










_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*The rest 75% in progress..*



















_Watch me bytch *I*'ll *WIN*!!_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*I see even more.. from another angle..*









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Asking the intuition for the _right_ way.. then there is the wrong way..?
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

I'm starting feeling _really_ comfortable being a lone wolf. Even if it's just a minuscule step forward, the shift difference is REAL. Another significant mask has fallen. Just great!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Fine. We'll defeat the _kraken_. And from now on we'll be *fully focused & WIDE OPEN* to solutions from that other side only!
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Heart Road*










I saw the sign post.. _*I SAW IT*!!_ It's really from the CORE not false excitement like the others! Despite now only a flash of vision I could catch.. precious as a half-polished diamond..!!
Never I felt like this.. the latest maybe was a decade ago-if not ever!

_When the divine inspiration become royally yours.. or you..?

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_That's right, "Before the Dawn"..
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Focus.
Remember, the heart road.

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Absolutely NOT this (Push):










NOR this (Suck) either [important]!!:



















***
But THIS (*Life Source/Force*)!:










______
_Okay, come on let's go!!_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*And another fight..*








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*For Fun*

*Your Snow Test Says You're Independent*










You feel like something good will happen to you in the next few weeks.

You love to work, especially when work is physical. You do well in any job, as long as you're not stuck in an office.

You are an independent, individualistic person. You thrive when you're doing your own thing.

Your biggest worry in your life is your health. You tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac.

When it comes time to relax, you really indulge. You are all about your favorite comforts.​
.......................
The Snow Test
Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Your Courage Word is "Believe"*








​
.......................
What's Your Courage Word?
Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_And remember, your heart road is unique._

_









_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Damn. This motorbike became too _cold_/weak to start. I just haven't used it for like 3-4 days! I found again that I'm not that much of a physical person to fix it in the simplest way. Okay, okay I got it! I'm 'just' a philosopher who loves to wander!! And partly it's to fill a hole inside of the "I'm not meaningful enough"!

Though I think maybe it's not that bad, I bet I'd able to turn it on again later. Oh, and what makes things _worse_ is my soc. anxiety, so self-conscious that I can't do anything downstairs as many flatmates are there! I don't want to stupidly tampering my bike while they're watching!!

Despite my intuition told me there's actually nothing to worry about, that most likely they'll HELP me without hesitation anyway, still the mind is STORMING like crazy, pressuring, suppressing, feeling guilt, shame, complex anger, all the tense I can't handle if I go down there now! Must wait again until tomorrow very early morning when everyone asleep. _Aaaargh!! _I just hope the bike wont get any colder until then!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_ It's raining!! Yaaay!_

Which partly reminds me, I don't really like to see things as they are unless they're really beautiful in the way I agree with.
While rain has meant mystery moments & hot cocoa to me, now I see something else painfully scary: "reality", about the rain and everything.
As I said I can't just be a MacGyver, improvising what you have is _NOT ENOUGH_ despite I might do well in that.

I don't want to just "rain". I want it rain on certain places in certain *SCENARIOS* I freely create.. I've even become too tired of this nagging *powerlessness* to explain further. :rain


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*My power, my pleasure, my pain*










_Is it wrong to have a dream..?!?

_ 




​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #2: Money Does Not Exist (part 1)*

Who needs money??
 I need food-fruit, vegetables, meats, rice, eggs etc, a safe & comfy shelter, running water, electricity, appliances, all the material stuff to thrive, live happily on earth.
I want hot cocoa, milk tea, hot drinking water with the cute mug & spoon and some postcards & mystery books to enjoy the rainy day.
I want safety, comfort, peace, & freedom to do anything I want!

Who cares about money??
I need books, knowledge, all the skills to learn for FUN sake!
I prefer beautiful stuff to beautify my room from cute souvenirs to deep-meaning arts.
I'd choose to have crayons, watercolor, acrylic paints, watercolor paper all qualities, color pencils, gouache, charcoals, pencils, erasers, with the peaceful studio to work, to _PLAY_, to express myself through painting! (And believe it or not, NO I don't really need others to own my works! I might 'share'/exhibit them once in a while but I'll be very happily keep them in my possession. Ooo.. imagine a house with loads of arts!)

Who really wants those pieces of paper?!
I'd rather have cool gadgets that would do multiple things for my pleasure sake.
I'd prefer having a complete set of medicines/herbs around me for the rainy days or a sure service from hospitals & competent doctors.
I'd better have tickets to all places I want around the world.

Who needs golds & diamonds anyway?!?
Okay, I might, but just because of my artistic sense: golds & diamonds as beautiful minerals, to accessories my room for my eyes to enjoy & my mind to wonder.
But other than that, I'd prefer having a private ride that can take me anywhere safe & fast and also cool to look at. And of course the fuel, and the friendly & kind repairmen when I'm on the road.
I'd rather have a high quality grand piano and a large music studio to practice & record my performance for fun!








​
It's never about money.
The point is the *LAW OF CONNECTION*. And *powerlessness* of every creatures here (assuming this is not just a hologram planted in MY PRIVATE existence), who "came" into this Earth without awareness of choice prior to that.

_Human - nature (outside world & non-thinking creatures) - other human._​
It's all back to barter system.
Makes you feel WORTHLESS when you don't have anything to share. USELESS when you don't contribute. Just DREADFULLY BAD when you DON'T DO anything.
Makes you feel AWFUL when you don't have a ROLE. ASHAMED when the role you chose is considered 'lower than others' by society (disclaimer: I agree with this, I JUDGE others once it comes to the obvious bad not neutral low, all in my personal judgement of course).

All in the name of survival you said.
But in the beginning it's mostly just about human and nature. Nature only demands resourcefulness & physical aliveness, NOT masks nor pretenses, nothing about changing & contorting who you are to FIT IN somewhere you don't belong! When one spot becomes inhabitable, you leave! Simple as that.
When the human net is too tight, there's no way anymore nature would sip in. Everything is OWNED, everything is REGULATED, must refer to CODES the previous humans alive created. It becomes a rigid SYSTEM that the only way out is total CHAOS!
Thus the meaning of survival has changed.
You suppress who you really are in order to meet the worse demands than that of nature's: the demands/expectations of other human beings!!

You might ask, "Aren't humans nature too?"
I would answer, "NO," judging from what they have done. So much fear, greed, & the sense of abandonment. That we have each to fend for ourselves, we CAN'T DO NOTHING or else we die or killed by fellow inhabitants. Is that nature? We'll go into this much later.

Now, there is this hidden but solid play of semantics going on, in the language of image.
"What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a classical singer."
"Wow that's awesome!"
Then you'd think all the elegance, sophistication, and the WEALTH & respect s/he got FROM the OTHERS.
"Oh, I'm a programmer."
"That's cool!"
You'll be flooded by images of their intelligence, maybe high-paying career-the money & prestige if they're in giant corporations.
"Oh, I do nothing."
"What?? Then how do you SURVIVE?"
"Parents, or social security [what do you westerns call it?] obviously."
No more possible to answer, "Oh, I'm living independently off grid in the forest." Because there's no way nature is getting in the picture! Even the gateways to forests are heavily guarded!! 
You can't be an outsider. (Even) outlaws must pretend to be good citizens in order not to be shunned-another survival motive.

"Then how do you SURVIVE?"
Observe, it's not "Who are you?" in any deeper sense.
It's NEVER, "What do you LOVE DOING?"
"Who you really are AT HEART?"
"Adventurer? Scientist? Philosopher? Musician? (Despite you don't make/haven't made money-a.k.a the world haven't appreciated this barter yet-being that role.)"
Who are you when you aren't PUSHED in any way??!?

But then should your existence depends on others' appreciation?? Why would I rely on such elusive, subjective things I can't control??! Why do I _NEED TO BE NEEDED_ to survive?!!

No role is a new 'sin'. Being a non-joiner is unacceptable. But that's the very thing I after: to become a Joker Card.
I want to be freely moving from role to role.
I want to be both easily engage & disengage from the world.
To be free from the CHAIN of EXCHANGE, of barter system whatever the attributes are.
To be free from the shallow RULES of the flawed human beings, to bend & break them at will!
*To erase once and for all that evil of a notion, *_*"YOU MUST CONNECT!!"
*_
_Because WHO AM I *REALLY*, who actually I can become, when this infernal gun is not pointed to my head every single day??!_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_Okay. Since you are very persistent, and we already knew & fought against the wrong path, you might as well, most likely *know* already which the *RIGHT* way is.
I think I'll just fully set you free and lead us the way.
But.. if you can, be gently please..? The rest of us need to get used to the change.
Thank you..








 _


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Just realized even more how *ANGRY* I've been about those!!!!!!!!!!! 
NO MORE MERCY NOW!!!!!!!


















_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

. . .










_The time will come VERY soon and nothing can stop me._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Infuriating!!!!*



























Because:




























_WHO'S THE SMART GUY WHO INVENTED THIS *DECEIT-BASED* UNIVERSE??!?!!!?!?!!

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_..is getting on my nerves.

Who am I? Who am I?? Who am I??!
Who am I *REALLY*?!??

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

or











?
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Just realized _*how REALLY INHIBITED*_ I've been all this time, when I caught myself in the middle of another automatic mental rehearsal of comparing myself to my relatives [+ another stab & dizzying trigger!!].

_{Bad news: writing this would unlock something else I don't want to look at!
Good news: I am the Courageous Captain Adrian! Bring on the WORTHY enemies!!}_
[Those who are uncomfortable with my self-validated confidence, you're 100% free to leave. 8) ]

How they seem to be able to freely express their art despite I see them as LESS skillful & less UNIQUE than others on the same lane. 

_They perform anywhere, paid, having adventures, experiencing many things in life incl. the low sides, seems happy enough by just MacGyver-ing, many interesting *stories to tell* #%[email protected]^[$&"!!!_

JEALOUS EGO JEALOUS JEALOUS VOICE OF JEALOUSY: While it's ME who have got all the talents, skills, material support incl. art tools & musical instruments, intellect, etc etc etc but I'm STUCK here with all the philosophical riddles nagging wont let me do anything else ever until they are flawlessly SOLVED!! Not to mention the super high sensitivity that's been absorbing things good & BAD left & right creating massive blocks everywhere (in fact maybe that's where all the difficult questions came from - sensitivity.. okay, and CURIOSITY)!

Many would say sensitivity is a bless & curse, and so I have to accept the curse part. DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE!!!

_And it's ME ME ME who have got the *GRAND VISIONS* of how my life should be, not those clowns who just surrender to the flow!!!!
_
 
I. DON'T. WANT. TO LOSE!!!

***

How inhibited?

Haven't really painted in years. Not even a doodle or raw sketch. If there's indeed something, I count them as unworthy.
Haven't touched musical instruments in months. Almost zero opportunity to record any performance even just for fun.
Haven't crafted anything in months.
Haven't written anything of _worth_ for years.
Haven't _DOING_ barely anything for the last few years except solving trap doors, escaping from _Temple of Doom_ within!
[....etc.... can't even tell further....
.....chest & throat choked for no reason.... 
.....tongue can't speak.... can't explain.....]
*COMPARED TO THEM doing this and that having multiple job experiences here and there having traveled out there and everywhere making friends left and right...!!!*
[....etc.... *again* can't tell further....
.....chest & throat choked for no reason.... 
.....tongue can't speak.... can't explain.....]

Busy thinking of how my life SHOULD be.
Not all these meaningless not-so-exciting everyday events.
Busy rehearsing all the criticism & ridicule of the university moments.
Overload expectations. Both from the world and from myself.
Erupting suppressed hidden issues of social anxiety, social CONFUSION, ANGER, hatred for authorities, hatred for sheep, extreme hatred for extremely offensive world values, etc etc all the wolves got loose - in short, the REAL me (a.k.a hidden parts of me) showing up.

Shadows in the end must _come to light_.

I'm actually not a nice & all times respectful person at all. I've probably never really been.
Not obedient & following the straight line.
Not tidy, nor perfect. Not even my hand writing is (in fact I should've noticed by knowing this eons ago!).
Not all cool-headed & logical despite my love for puzzles.
Certainly not _wise_, egalitarian, or totally compassionate (except for cats).

I'm RANDOM, playful, carefree, UNPREDICTABLE, present-moment oriented, as well as JUDGMENTAL, REACTIVE, FIERY, EMOTIONAL, CRUEL to anyone I hate for whatever reason!

...
I've been rambling (right, _random_), while actually the point is to express how UNexpressed I am now. Figured that apparently this personal, a little but significantly higher level of understanding on the closed/shut down/reduced to white dwarf feeling doesn't have many comparisons in verbal symbols.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*The Child Awaken..?*










_The things around are.. to try..

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*( Got it. Loud and clear. )*









_
But the RULES still exist!!! *I DON'T & WONT EVER APPROVE THE RULES*!!!!!!
And NEVER forget how they've *HURT* us!!!!










_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I got you 100%._
_But allow me to try this "color pencils". This is so far our only clear stepping stone forward._
_I promise I wont forget who we are._









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*The Spirit of Adventure..!*








​
_Okay, I can strongly sense that if we are also careful enough, we can *really* have fun while getting through this!

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_One thick barrier is through.. don't know how many are there still in store, but this 'little' upper level feels significantly better enough!_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*( Absorb & Reflect )*










&









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

...
I'll always be a kid, am not I?

















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#1*

















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#1*















_Cute just the way it is..
*observe, eyes & mind open, wonder*
"Ooo.. it gives a sound like 'meyow'.."
_








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#1*



















That also explains it.
I always enjoy these 'small' things like a kid.
Only me & the moment, everything else doesn't exist.



















I become a 2-year-old again in almost every moment like this.
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#2*










*But both sides exist..*
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#2*

_One wants PLAY, carefree type of freedom, CURIOSITY, SENSITIVITY, beauty, peace & serenity.

One wants POWER, fiery-and-solid-energy type of freedom, worthy CHALLENGES, RESPECT, ADVENTURE, sense of purpose & achievement/tackling the challenges.

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#2*










_Why can't I be a kid and powerful at the same time..?!
*Why not indeed . . .*_


















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#3*








​
_But many things have happened.

Hurt & hugely CONFUSED. Despite I'm grateful that my past experiences were still very much better than that of others, there are scars I wont forget nor forgive.

The forces that were opposite already became more fragmented & scattered, entangled, almost undecipherable. Many of my highest dreams became both my source of power/deep pleasure & pain.
_
















​
_Even after I figured out the nature of reality of many dreams, I will most likely still look at the next ones through the eyes of a child. Excitement, hope, wonder.. everything is possible. "I still can be anything I want. This vision is coming from deep inside me anyway, how come it would fail?" Is this the recipe of a *magical life*? Or deep *disappointment* instead??

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#3*








​
I don't know who I am anymore.

_What to do when all dreams are not what they seem?? 
What to do once I found out I'm not even the one who I thought I was?!? _

I can only think of returning being a kid again, starting from zero.








​
But this time with better understanding. Maybe I can finally kill & throw all the slick vampires aboard and make the wolves stop fighting each other.

I might stop being naive, recognizing the shadows within & the entanglements, but I'll try to keep the innocence..

***

The latest keys I've found, I'm actually very-very worried they would abandon the solid instinctive core, taunting me to be a sponge & mirror again. And so despite I've seen the light, I shall be still very careful.. must not fall to the wrong, lower ray frequency.









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#4*

A kid doesn't wear a mask, being themselves everyday everywhere.
No fear of vulnerability for mostly smiling all the time, happy for no reason.
So pure they know no bad things.

That explains how I hate so much the adults & having to be an adult, more than I thought. The DECEIT & COMPROMISE. How they stand for values UNWORTHY of keeping. Mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask mask!!!!!!!!!! Why the hell I would want to be a grown up?! I'm not an idiot!!

But being a forever kid means being forever sponge, absorbing everything with no filter. Thus I even risk further putting on masks (as auto defense mechanism when threatened) if not for the "adult" part of me, the pilot, taking over. While others become adults by putting on masks, I grow up by discarding them. Is this really correct to be called growth anyway? It's more like unlearning, unschooling, going home, reborn! It means living life being a child CONSCIOUSLY.
.......


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#5*

And a child with good support around will always be *Δ* taken care of..







..the water will support.. believe.. wha.. _oh my god..!?_
.......


Prince Adrian said:


> There's no more life vest now, I can only survive on the sea by learning to float.. trusting the water will actually push me up not suck me down.





> In fact, that's how we learn to swim, isn't it? By stop panicking over drowning, that if you managed to stay calm, the water wont pull you in but instead *it pressures you to float anyway* even when you're doing nothing.





Prince Adrian said:


> *Your Courage Word is "Believe"*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
*NAILED IT* more than I thought (not much about intimate relationship though)!

don't want to have friends.. kind acquaintances & strangers only.. don't want to get close to anyone.. don't want to BELONG.. don't want to get ATTACHED to any tribe, family, belief system, any system, club, group, country..

don't want DEMANDS/*EXPECTATIONS*.. want to be FREE to be either "GOOD" or "BAD" anytime anywhere.. *both childish/childlike or mature, random or sequential, orderly or chaotic, relaxed or focused, carefree or 'responsible', sunny or deep, playful or serious, sensitive or thick-skinned, happy or angry*.. I want to freely move to any direction without guilt/burden like the wind!!

can't connect to anyone.. don't want to be misunderstood as 100% nice.. can't ENGAGE with the world.. can't be flighty.. because they would demand *CONSISTENCY!!*

that also explains perfectly why I don't really know if I want to be socially adept/skillful at all: I don't want that makes me *get close* to people!
.......


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*#*










_And I can & am absolutely *free* to change my IDENTITY!!
Any role I want at anytime anywhere! 
[ This is *P L A Y* !! ]
Muhahahahahahahahahaaa....!!!! >_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_This universe. *IS*. BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!_








_
_









_Not my agony nor demise.
But can't help feeling *others'* pain!!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*( Understood. )*








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_









..game.. heart road.. kid's eyes.. play..__
I wonder if I've actually walked the path for some time now..

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*( Come out now. You can absolutely taste the light. > )*










_"*No!* YOUR *HURT* is *NOT VALID*!!! YOUR OPINIONS are *NOT VALID*!!! YOUR FEELINGS are *NOT ALLOWED*!!!

MUST UNDERSTAND OTHERS FIRST!!! PUT *OTHERS* FIRST BEFORE YOURSELF!!! CAN'T BE EGOCENTRIC EGOTISTICAL!! UNDERSTAND OTHERS *FIRST*!! OTHERS *FIRST*!! OTHERS *FIRST*!! EMPATHY FOR OTHERS FIRST!! OTHERS *FIRST*!! OTHERS *FIRST*!! OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS *OTHERS* OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS *FIRST*!! MUST. UNDERSTAND. OTHERS. *FIRST*!!!!!!"
_​









*NASTY-NASTY VAMPIRE.
YOU SUPPRESSING, FLIGHTY, MEEK, ADAPTING, MARTYR OCEAN.
* YOU'RE *DEAD* TODAY.









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Further down..*

















​


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## pied vert (Jan 23, 2016)

wow, you're actually quite expressive. I like these
and I want to go to Transfăgărășan now


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

pied vert said:


> wow, you're actually quite expressive. I like these
> and I want to go to Transfăgărășan now


Thanks, and you mean Transfagarasan road, Romania?? How on earth did you know my dream??! :lol Yeah me too, dreaming of epic road trips, but this will take time as I'm still stuck here. But let's try to set our eyes on the _possibility_ ahead!  ..unless you've actually been there, then I envy you @#$%!!*!!* :/ [pardon my honesty]


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Actually I don't want anymore bad-feeling vents to put on this thread, prefer to fill this with collection of insights & good news. Don't want these low sides of life to become part of my life story. Heck I don't even want this recent reality of mine - posting on SAS, powerless, drowned by the river of life - to be part of my life at all!!








​
Despite the discoveries & treasures I've found, all this struggle makes me feel ashamed! This adventure has been beyond my control from the start!! (Again, despite I've got 8/10-rated experiences compared to what some others have. A part of me is _FRIGHTENED_ if I'm not grateful for this it'll be taken away!! But this is for another topic..)

I want all the mysteries & magic *from the beginning!* I want to fill my journals & scrapbooks with success (in my personal definition), inspiring adventures (not the useless, meaningless ones!) of a Master Alchemist or whatever role I choose!! Not failures, weakness, fluctuating self-esteem, powerlessness (esp. in choosing the avatar when I was born-again, so SCARED if I'm not being grateful for this!!), ignorant environment around me!

I don't want to have a past! 
Heroes don't have them (don't argue with me, okay :/).

But which story is more interesting? The one that's already happy-happily everyday & ever after, or the other that has both high & low, that is unpredictable, with the main character going through personal struggle now & then while also completing a mission?

As aware I am with this, again, the powerlessness (both scenarios above still don't have a choice from the start anyway).. I can't stand it!!









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
And once I got the answers, finally through the puzzle door, *I don't want to go back* there again to that lower place!! I reject any fluctuation and lag time! I don't even want to own that past-small me as part of me!! But then _what's this all about about accepting my shadows??!? Or enjoying the journey both sunshine & storms?!?_ I don't want to abandon anyone!! 

_CONFLICT! *CONFLICT!* OVERWHELMINGLY CONFUSED!!!!!_​








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

( Oh.. what the heck. )

_[WARNING: Sociopathic post ahead.]_

When I've finally got a glimpse of light, posting the insight fragments on my selfish thread no.2, I still can't fully follow through because deep down I've got this.. [mind you, me having this is not a complain despite the content is.. it's like genuinely accepting this 'dark' part of myself, if that makes sense..]​







​
_When I see & feel my hands.. *I DON'T WANT OTHERS TO HAVE THE SAME..!*
I DON'T WANT OTHERS HAVING THE SAME THINGS I HAVE. 
I DON'T WANT THEM HAVING PERFECTLY HEALTHY BODY.
I DON'T WANT THEM HAVING THE SAME CONSCIOUSNESS & EMOTIONS!
I DON'T WANT THEM HAVING THE SAME FACULTY OF THOUGHT & *IMAGINATION!*
I DON'T WANT THEM HAVING THIS SAME HANDS, FEET, HEAD, BRAIN, NAILS, HAIRS, ETC ETC ETC!

I DON'T WANT OTHERS TO SIMILARLY BE ABLE *TO PAINT!*
TO DRAW MANUALLY OR DIGITALLY.
TO WRITE, TO BLOG.
TO PLAY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.
TO MAKE NOTEBOOKS.
TO DESIGN STUFF.
TO PONDER/CONTEMPLATE.
TO INTERPRET LANGUAGES.

SIMILARLY LOVE TO TRAVEL.
LOVE TO PLAY WITH BALISONG KNIFE.
LOVE TO SOLVE PUZZLES.
LOVE TO GO DEEPER.
LOVE TO GO AROUND WITH BIKE.
LOVE TO LEARN EVERYTHING.
LOVE TO INVESTIGATE & EXPLORE.

SIMILARLY LOVE CATS.
LOVE HOT COCOA & RAINY DAYS.
LOVE MYSTERY BOOKS.
LOVE TARTAN SCARVES.
LOVE SHOTGUNS.
LOVE TO STAY HOME AS WELL AS WANDER.

SIMILARLY HAVING EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
HAVING RESEMBLING BACKGROUND/UPBRINGING.
HAVING THE SAME ATTRACTIVENESS.
HAVING MULTIPLE TALENTS.
HAVING THE SAME PERSONAL ISSUES (unless they're - just slightly - WORSE, ahahahahahaaaa >)

DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE OF DIFFERENT STYLES OR DIFFERENT LEVELS.
DON'T CARE IF __MANY OR EVEN MOST OF THE POPULATION ARE ACTUALLY STILL LESS SKILLFUL THAN I AM.
DON'T CARE IF WHAT TRULY MATTER IS THE COMBINATION NOT PARTIAL ATTRIBUTES.
DON'T CARE IF THEY VERY SURELY HAVE GOT DIFFERENT DNA, LIFE HISTORY, ETC ETC

*DON'T EVEN CARE IF AS AN ARTIST OR WHATEVER ELSE I'D NEED SOME AUDIENCE OR FELLOW PROFESSIONALS TO UNDERSTAND ME!!*

DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE!!!!!

I WANT TO BE THE ONLY HUMAN, THE ONLY LIVING CREATURE ON EARTH. OTHER THAN ME MUST BE OBEDIENT *ANDROIDS*, PLANTS OR ANIMALS SERVING MY EVERY NEED!!
I WANT TO BE *THE ONLY ONE*!! NUMBER ONE!!

THE ONE!!!
_








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*My enemy now (or has been?).*

































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## kesker (Mar 29, 2011)

Prince Adrian said:


> *Your Snow Test Says You're Independent*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My quiz results:

You feel like something good will happen to you eventually, but not soon.

You don't really like to work, unless work feels like play. You only are successful when you are doing what you love.

You are an independent, individualistic person. You thrive when you're doing your own thing.

Your biggest worry in life is your family. You stay up at night thinking about them.

When it comes time to relax, you have difficulty relaxing. You are a bit high strung.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

kesker said:


> My quiz results:
> 
> You feel like something good will happen to you eventually, but not soon.
> 
> ...


Nice.








Does this feel right to you? My guess is especially the last 2 pointers, lol I know this is just a fancy quiz but these could be right..
Btw, surprised you're not taken aback by my angry posts here. >


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​_
Uugh..!! A very rough landing!
Okay, okay, so about this puzzle I have no choice but to get to the absolute bottom. Now what you want me to do?
__Wha.. no.. *NO!* Oh god NO!!
SCARED! FRIGHTENED!! So SCARED!!!!_
_[ ..can't express... more.... ]

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_But.. fine. I'll just surrender to you all, as my intuition told me that is the best, maybe the primary way out of here. I'll.. try.._


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
*Sigh* This will indeed be like the classic stories about rebellion of shadow self(s) - alias the truest self(s) - from the deep.
If you're thinking it's cool, think again. Watching movies is not the same with experiencing it directly. Especially when the character is in the low, not knowing what to do or what's gonna happen next.
Metamorphosis, being _*REBORN*_ not just casual change, is scary & often times painful.








...and just realized this issue is much-much more connected to my pressing problem than I thought.. even to me this is a striking discovery..!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Out of my way._









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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

...
Because.. (is it also that) I am as *who I am now* is..
_"NOT ENOUGH!"??!?_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Is this in fact how my dreams become the source of power, pleasure & pain and the cause of most TIME DELAY?!
_Oh. wow..!!









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Again & again, turned out I'm not broken & NEVER was!_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_








__









ENOUGH!!!!
No one put *EXPECTATIONS* on me again!!!
I *WONT* LET ANYONE UNDERMINE MYSELF ANYMORE FOR WHATEVER REASON!!!!

FROM NOW ON I'LL DELIBERATELY *GO AGAINST* ALL THESE *ULTRA-IDIOTIC* WORLD *RULES*!!!!!
NO MORE OF THESE BACKSTABS ON MY SHIP!!!!









_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Because all I want to do is..?*

























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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*To.. understand...*

























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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Let them loose.*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I'm serious. Do whatever you want to do. Even though I'm extremely frightened now, I & the rest of the crews are listening & ready._


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

"2" or "1" ?
​


Virgilian said:


> The Idiot, Part 3, Chapter 7:
> 
> His despondency persisted; he yearned to go away somewhere...He did not know where. A bird was singing above him in the tree and he began looking for it among the leaves; all at once the bird took wing, and he was reminded for some reasons of the "tiny fly" in the hot "sunbeam" that Ippolit had written about, that it "knew its place, and was a participant in the general chorus, while he alone was the outcast." This sentence has struck him poignantly yesterday, and he recalled it now. A long forgotten memory stirred within him and suddenly took on clarity of form.
> 
> ...


















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_And more to see..!_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_*I PROMISE.*
I absolutely promise *I'll kill/let you kill* every single entity that had/has/will hurt us on the way, shred them to pieces. ZERO exception. No more martyrs aboard.
But this time I need your focus on the current clue to get us out of here.
Please bring your energy to illuminate the path for now.
Thank you so much!

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Which is which?_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> ...
> Because.. (is it also that) I am as *who I am now* is..
> _"NOT ENOUGH!"??!?_
> 
> ...





Prince Adrian said:


> _Is this in fact how my dreams become the source of power, pleasure & pain and the cause of most TIME DELAY?!
> _Oh. wow..!!
> 
> 
> ...





Prince Adrian said:


>





Prince Adrian said:


> _I'm serious. Do whatever you want to do. Even though I'm extremely frightened now, I & the rest of the crews are listening & ready._


I think this is indeed the very MAIN KEY answer to Puzzle No. 1. Not hinting to a specific end, but it's just the road.
Finding the road is one thing, to actually go walk through it is another-not to mention not knowing where this will lead me to!
Another _test_ for unconditional self-love & trust. Once again I'm pushed to the edge of almost losing everything.
Damn it's hard..!! Maybe the hardest in my life?!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #3: The Riddles of Vulnerability (part 1)*








​
_Oh god no.. another big thing to surrender!!
_​
_Uugh..!!_ I thought Puzzle No. 1 was already pressing & demanding enough.. until a nightmare today showed me another crevice of my soul I've not realized. And this morning, feeling much of the dirty water been drained somehow, I saw another insight that life must be much more than this, much more than me being swept away by the world's suffering. But alas after a nap, another shadow surfaced. And to apply the insight fully I feel I must write this down right away. Besides, this may also help me solving the no.1.

Despite the horrifically AWKWARD & subtly DEFENSIVE scenes & feelings in that dream, again after the storm.. came a great realization. After all, it just 'wanted' to tell me the TRUTH. Darn it's *bitter as hell, embarrassing like hot coals, crushing my armors like deadly acid!*








​
But this gave me understandings like nothing else. 98% chance this is the answer of why I can't really connect with others, why I can't ENGAGE with the world, why I can't show my art *especially* to family (strangers only!), why I can't be VULNERABLE at all.

This has made me pay attention to & accept my innermost fragile emotions I didn't know exist. Since the beginning of my journey to inner truth few years ago, I've gotten used to face the darkest of the dark parts within but still this discovery flabbergasted me.

Turned out the elementary-school, CLUELESS, small, SHY, overwhelmingly CONFUSED & SENSITIVE, terrified, awkward me is still there! In the past, love & hatred (and in my case both are never half-way nor forgotten!) met the outer world's rules & protective forces, immediately some were suppressed underground.

But so did exist the little Prince Adrian who by NO means would surrender to anyone's manipulation of all levels, all for the dignity of a person that I am, not just survival.

All these energy clashes have created so many layers, forming a merciless huge maze. And one prominent section of the maze is called unsolvable jam no. 2.

***
Puzzle No. 2.
This is what's the nightmare about.

Go figure. I haven't gotten over him at all. While there were some others I've got in mind (and another 1-2 obsessions that's been going on for at least 8 years!), this particular case is really *disturbing*. Not the person, but this feeling of mine towards that person. He's quite 'new' compared to my other fixes. _[Damn I can't believe I'm writing this!! Am I like doing an extreme sport or what??! *part frightened part excited part extremely ashamed!! woohooo...?!!?!*]_

Now shall I tell you what's really been bothering me about this feeling? No. For that part I still don't dare to.

I'll just jot down the essence of the dream:

[soul mix: elementary school me + university me = small me]

1. lots of people with the same age.. he's there too with his gf.. into a strange theme park.. a section where everyone chose their room.. profession.. group based.. everyone easily picked their room, comfortable in there with their friends or fellow strangers with the same profession, but very cold to outsiders.. let alone iconoclast like me who despises 'job' & 'career' mindless world.

2. seeing him with his gf in entertainment section.. with other extroverted guys that also seemed comfortable being there.. I brushed it off.. finding my own place was more important.. looking around there weren't many independent people left (& still I didn't want to connect with them/making a group).. a dreadful realization coming to me: I've  got no place here.. just me alone roaming with little resources I've got in my backpack.. feeling so small..!

[soul mix: university me + dropped out/rebelled me = more awareness]

3. finally found a section that was neutral.. a game show.. trivia quizzes show.. beat a professor or something.. it's free & no requirement of all sorts.. it's not in a closed room, wider & more open but strangely not many people there.. I was still uncomfortable even with fellow nerds there (who have got already their own close buddies)..

I signed in nevertheless.. just to 'protect' myself for a while from the questions of tribal-minded people around me.. but then I got really uncomfortable.. I ran away without saying anything.. good thing this place was not so guarded & I've got surprisingly the cunning & skill to escape! _[another familiar feeling I got from junior high..]_

4. as I painfully (unconsciously) running away from everyone there (thinking especially about him in the entertainment studio), this place suddenly changed to a mall.. needed to go to the rest room.. saw a sign, a family also wanted to go there.. we went together without knowing each other.. they're chatting while I was just quietly walking alongside them.. partly I felt hurt, being left out but partly I didn't really want to mingle with those shallow people anyway..

but the sign lead only to an escalator, with another sign to the rest room hanging on the ceiling.. the family gave up, there were many things they wanted to do in the mall so they skipped this or just would search the rest room in this floor only.. but I've got no rush and I was CURIOUS about different parts of the mall, so why not.

I followed the sign, went up the escalator.. another family joined in and just like before we didn't mix at all.. but again the the rest room was no where to be seen, only signs to it.. through turnings & escalators up & up.. groups of people joined in & out with me..

but then after about 3 families came & went, the next ones going together with me were not giving up, in fact they're competitive! :lol because they somehow predicted the rest room would be full with long queue! I was affected by their vibe.. I began running too.. didn't want others to find it before me..

*[at one point I realized, a hidden understanding running steadily like a sub-current beneath the ocean: what I've been doing is putting on defensive layers, more and more and more and MORE to protect myself from him.. don't even want to meet him or think of him in the slightest.. so dominant this unconscious behavior was that I almost passed it as truth!
while other part of me is SUFFERING, truly actually wanting to get CLOSE..!** that elementary-school me vs the little prince..
goddamnit this is way scarier than horror movies!!]*

but before I found the rest room at all (I was sure I was so close though), I woke up.

[there are still important scenes to this between 2 & 3, very-very related to awkwardness I experienced in childhood but currently escaping my mind, _aargh!_
must at least remember, stick to that feeling & visions (something about mountain/volcano family hiking/vacation?)!]

***







​
Now, 'thanks' to this nightmare.. _I CAN SEE_. Yet another LOOKING GLASS I've been seeing the world from. This might be the thickest of all. The special armor that's been protecting me fiercely with absolutely good intention as I comprehend more. It's still among the wolves, not vampires.. albeit maybe bitten & hurt that it couldn't see anything else..

_Oh no.. it's slipping away..! God please hold this insight for me!!!

_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_What now?!? Another scares & shames?!! 
Bring them on, I'll confront them face to face!! 
If you think I'll run away from what disturbs me but worth investigating you're wrong __- I go TOWARDS them instead!
*I'm the Courageous Captain Adrian who wants nothing less than the truth!!! *
I'll endure the scariest-worthy enemies to get to the bottom of everything!!


























_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Being me feels sooo g o o d . . . .

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_To be able to understand & embrace your sadness is an amazing feeling! 
Like dancing in the rain!_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Keep.. going.. to its core . . .*

















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Did I really see that thread of light..?*









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*1.*

used to be/surface:
















now/beneath:








_so much for sophistication?
_​

what I'd LOOOVE to do/surface:









what I feel like doing now/beneath:







​

one part of me/surface:









other part of me/beneath:








_lalalalalalala..

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*2.*

surface:
 








 
beneath:
 








 
 
***
 
 what other people think I do:
 








 
what I think I do:
 








 
what I really do:
 








 
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*3.*

surface/beneath:









surface/beneath:









surface/beneath:


















​​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*4.*










 
CONCLUSION?
 
 
















 _
Still don't know who I am..
Or am I *supposed* to (solidly) know after all?
_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Worth a note: after I posted this, strangely I felt at PEACE.. inexplicable sense of peace that requires no logic.. a wave of relief almost out of nowhere.. qui t e p r i c e l e s s . .









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Tears of a Dreamer . .*


















●










●









 
●

















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*. . Accepting the Dreamer*











●










_*Got it now..* that's b e c a u s e
I __*Δ*M A DREAMER._










●










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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

So that's how I got screwed up.. Puzzle No. 2.. now I can see through another knot!! Incredible!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Dreamer*














*Dream Scape*
Composer: Yuki Kajiura
Vocals: FictionJunction KAORI

_A sea of grass I've never seen
is swaying and rustling in the silver
This is the scenery at the border
between dreams and waking reality

Is it in order to meet you?
Or is it for the eyes
of someone I still haven't seen?
I'll go on, dividing the wind
dream scape

The alarm clock will
ring soon, huh?
But what's beyond that
might still be a dream, right?
No matter where you are,
your precious things don't change, you know

Even if I wake up,
I'm sure I'll still be right here
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
everlasting night breeze
I think that might be
what they call courage
(I believe&#8230; I deceive&#8230
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
everlasting night breeze
(I relieve&#8230
It's just that it's too dark to see&#8230;
(I believe&#8230; I deceive&#8230; I relieve&#8230
In my&#8230;

The fragment of my heart
that I flung away
because I didn't want to cry
is chasing after me now,
until I can't even catch my breath
and the reality I clung to
withers and falls, piece by piece

It's just that I can't quite see right now&#8230;
(I believe&#8230; I deceive&#8230; I relieve&#8230
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
everlasting night breeze

Whether it's a dream or reality,
(I believe&#8230; I deceive&#8230; I relieve&#8230
it will just confuse you
(I believe&#8230; I deceive&#8230; I relieve&#8230
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
everlasting night breeze

However many bends there are in the
road at the top of the hill,
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
I want to go beyond them,
to the other side of the scenery
that exists only in music
It's just that it's too dark to see&#8230;

There's another dream
in the continuation of a dream,
like a maze with seven colors
In order to find a song in a reed pipe
that can't play scales,
even if it's too vast and my eyes get dizzy,
even if I sing too much and dry out my throat,
I'll take that sea of grass I've never seen and&#8230;
Even if you disappear&#8230;

(I believe&#8230
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
(I deceive&#8230
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
(I relieve&#8230
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
It's just that it's too dark to see&#8230;

(I believe&#8230
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
Teretetetetemuya&#8230;
(Sittin' in the silence&#8230
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;
everlasting night breeze
Sittin' in the silence&#8230;

dream scape_

●










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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #4: Nemesis (part 1)*

















too tired to express anger to this dangerously low-viscosity liquid sipping through every crack absorbing everything..

♦​
[!] but.. come to think about it again, this explains how that Puzzle No. 2.. its other branch of entanglement.. has been there since! why & how I've been so _*EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE*_ towards the whole thing & that in particular..!!

♦​


Prince Adrian said:


> too tired to express anger to *this dangerously low-viscosity liquid* sipping through every crack absorbing everything..





Prince Adrian said:


> but.. come to think about it again, this explains how that Puzzle No. 2.. its other branch of entanglement.. has been there since! why & how I've been so _*EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE*_ towards the whole thing & that in particular..!!


and that's also why I *can't be innocent* anymore when looking at most human interactions!!!










♦​
extremely receptive vs *EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE*
why can't I just be stable on one??
but do I _actually_ want to stick to either one of those sides??!? NO!! both are forms of suffering!

but looking at other personalities around me & all the world, why can't I be stable like those *incorruptible investigators*??! get on with my life, step out that door, go fulfill my missions?!? if it were never meant to be, why gave me all these visions?!??

and if only I had that solid personality, I wouldn't have to deal with all these _poisonous_ emotional substances from the start!!!










♦​
extremely fluid vs *EXTREMELY SOLID*
*EXTREMELY COLD* vs extremely hot

why all these conflicts??!










why.. now I wonder if one's existence was *actually CAUSED* by the other..! 
towards ' b a l a n c e ' . . 
_*or else the whole system would*__* COLLAPSE..!!*_
but which is the first in creation? but.. does it matter?
oh m y g o d . .







_____
important note: I'm talking about the NEUTRAL extremes.

♦​
again, "2" or "1"?










♦​
or as in, 
extremely dependent vs _EXTREMELY INDEPENDENT__?

_♦​
or is it more like,
extreme fear of being taken advantage of* >> extreme effort & approach towards INDEPENDENCE
..when light 'gives birth' to shadow..?!?

____
note: it's not that I'd blame myself for having this chain of reaction. it's MY *NATURE *after all. huh, rather blame others & experiences - _why would they mess with a highly sensitive person like me?! take that!
_
*)


> extreme fear of being taken advantage of


= being a _SLAVE!!!!
_
♦​


Prince Adrian said:


> = being a _SLAVE!!!!_


because _*"I'd rather DIE than NOT being ME 100%*!!!!!!"_
an impenetrable door of enigma for years..!

♦​


Prince Adrian said:


> = being a _SLAVE!!!!_


and that's why* I DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE* AT ALL!!!!!
even though I love doing the things!

♦​
_*I think.. I begin to.. see.. my . . current position . . in the 'map' . . . and 'chain' . . . .*
_​
♦​
and that's how (aside from the genuine voice within, also *partly* because),
extreme HATRED for mundanity >> extremely HIGH, _GRAND VISIONS_
money lovers/*[email protected]* >> money haters
people/SOCIETY lovers/[email protected] >> people/SOCIETY haters​
♦​








so is the case with
REALITY vs _DREAMS..!
_
♦​
extreme FEAR/insecurity >> EXTREME DEFENSE

♦​
"YOU MUST WORK WITH OTHERS!! *BE INTERDEPENDENT*!!!!" >>_"THEN I WONT EVER WANT TO WORK WITH OTHERS!!! *I WANT ABSOLUTE SELF-RELIANCE!!!!!!*"_

and finally the ultimate dead end,
"YOU *MUST* LIVE!!!!" >> _"THEN I DON'T WANT. TO. LIVE!!!!!!"_










♦​...
how about,
_"Removing yourself from the equation"?







_____
_note: 
I've researched a little about various meanings to this, and I DON'T agree with most of them.
What I posted here is intended to be the one with MY OWN interpretation.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Tears of a Logician*


























_DON'T GET IT AT ALL!!!!!
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!_















_Keep on running, keep on running, run, run, run.._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Run Adrian Run*




























::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::










?????????????????????????????????????????????









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Truth hit really hard.*








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


















::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Back to the little girl in the hidden piano room.._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Absolute Inability..?*





























​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*"Closed." Really? [ actually an extremely scary question!! ]*

























​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Either way, this is yet another 'death' of me.*

















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Dreamer #2*














Fiction
Music: Yuki Kajiura
Vocal: Emily Bindiger

_I'm living with false hope, and my eyes
just wanna see a ray of light
I'm gonna find it in my fairy tale

I hear, long forgotten broken toys
telling me ancient tales of a boy
I will sing of them in my fairy tale

I was just a silent girl
always dreaming of a little angel
close to my reality
sing, la la la&#8230;&#8230;

the midnight sun hangs in the sky
show me your smile, my little angel
hear me, my fantasy
sing la la la&#8230;..through the night

see, how my flights of imagination
help me discover comprehension
I can find it in my fairy tale

I know, only a man can dare to dream
nothing is really as it seems
keep on telling, your own fairy tale

now wake up, my silent girl
take to flight, like a foolish angel
sing me your fantasy
sing, la la la&#8230;.

my midnight sun hangs in the sky
the first and last wondrous invention
show me the horizon
sing, la la la&#8230;.

the summer is here, we kiss and fall in love
but we've got to go, leaving nothing here
I wanna share the memories of long forgotten love

I was just a silent girl
wishing for better understanding
this is my melody
sing, la la la &#8230;&#8230;

my midnight sun hangs in the sky
help me to tell my history
with painted scenery
sing, la la la &#8230;&#8230;

in my fairy tale
I'm living in my fairy tale &#8230;&#8230;_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

I thought I've endured the worst personal emotions ever. I was wrong. Apparently I've seen _nothing!!_







​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
How could they expect me to 'go out there'??! The world outside is _hostile_. *I CAN'T BE VULNERABLE!!!* I can't answer their stupid, intimidating questions & expectations. Their values 99,99% would *OFFEND* mine!!!! And if I were to be completely honest as that is HOW I WANT to live my life, I'll be _RIDICULED, BELITTLED, PUT DOWN, LAUGHED AT, PITIED!!!!!_ For all the extreme sensitivity I've got towards everything!!!!!

A solid reason *I DON'T WANT TO CONNECT*_!!!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Feels like I'm wasting potentials.
_WASTE!__ WASTE!__ WASTE!__* WASTE! **WASTE!* *WASTE!!* WASTE!!!_​








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*You're not special. Just a part of statistics.*
































​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*..and another fall..*










_..and *another* and another..!!!
_







​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*"Let Me Fall" (Ode to the Courageous)*














Let Me Fall
(From Cirque Du Soleil)
-Josh Groban-

_Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall 
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Because fictions can tell you the truth.*






_Some gems, but also significantly *PAINFUL realizations.. 
solutions with lots of catches ingrained*!!!!
Oh god@#$%?]/%!!(@*#@&^{!!?;#!!!
_ 




​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Tears of a Logician #2*










_I had always thought I was a strong type. Proud of my intelligence, solo survival skills & no-nonsense attitude alongside multiple talents & physical beauty, with the ever high *charisma & self-worth intact*._
_I thought I could really live with absolute emotional independence: not attached to anyone, not having feelings of attraction for anyone._
_I thought I was imperturbable by this confusing but nevertheless ordinary world. _
_I thought I've got my life figured out already._

_Little that I knew that I could be.. VERY wrong._​​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Haven't solved the whole puzzle but another knot just disentangled, matters so much! 
Even greater self-acceptance!_
. . .

 













_____
Note: At this insight I just feel like listening to this song though the lyrics don't really match. I think the video content does have quite of my spirit although for my personal taste some details seem a little.. tacky.
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> ​


While looking at this post again, something just struck me. I finally got it..!!

_*I AM different. *
*I AM a UNIQUE person/living being.*_*
No one was created like me before nor will be created in my likeness after.
Comparison is indeed futile. 
Deep, deep in the essence, no standard will ever be really valid for measuring. Truly doesn't matter if others have it more.
Even if the apples or oranges are of the same color, each still matter.*​
Why so? I can conjure lots of theories & justifications but in the deeper reality, there's no 'real' reason for this.
_*I. just. know. it.*_
I just know this insight to be true (at least for me).
This is one of the *INSTINCTIVE KNOWLEDGE* I've resolved to base my real sense of knowing comes from!! It is NOT just a 'good sounding' concept!!

***
Undercurrent:
_SO SCARED that I'll forget this insight right away, can't apply this at all in life, only collecting diamonds without using them!!! SCARED if I were wrong in the end despite I can feel so sure now in my gut, SCARED I'll fall down to the small-me state!!! Aaaaargh!!!!
_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_WOOOOOOOWW.. I can't believe I can FINALLY see that I'll be REALLY ABLE TO PAINT AGAIN!!! TO PLAY MUSIC AGAIN!!!! TO CREATE ANYTHING AGAIN AFTER ALL THESE DEAD ENDS!!!!!

To intuitively know that my "EXPRESSION" here (not just art etc but my EXISTENCE as an *expression of life*!) in this world really worth it no matter what!!! That no standard in any way would be the actual defeat of me!!

INCREDIBLE! Just AMAZING!! Lost the vocabulary to fully describe this..!!_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Not exactly 'the most' though, just current obsession that's been wanting my attention. (And surely I actually dread the word "forever" in the lyrics below! Obsession doesn't always mean prison!) _Absolutely, your voice is valid. You are even darker than the pesky vampire of a kraken jamming the door no. 1, but I can tell that you're still part of me, unlike that shallow, sneaky brute!_

I wonder what he's been thinking about me: the ever defensive, seemingly only ruled by logic & common sense, with seemingly solid, high principle of morality which later I thrown away & has since been replaced by MY OWN compass. _[Aaaargh this very other's-mind-guessing-game is SCARY!!]_

...
To tell the truth, I really want him to feel the same _disturbance_. And I want to see the concrete signs showing up!
To tell the truth too, on the other hand, I want him to feel even WORSE! Ahahahahaaaa..! > _I don't want to lose!!_ I want to know him in the bring of self harm and suicide simply dealing with this issue!
Can't help it. My ocean is large & deep. Besides the opposite currents here and there, going from one extreme to another, I've got a genuine underwater volcano.
But.. I think this time I'll let the vulnerable side express itself more.






Synchronicity
Music: Yuki Kajiura
Vocals: FictionJunction KEIKO

_Where is this warmth going?
When it's tomorrow, it'll vanish
If our heartbeats are united
Will I be able to fall to the same depth as you?

I'm always, always by your side
No matter how far your heart may wander

While we drift
inside the darkness
Like innocent little birds,
we huddled our wings together
You, who hide behind your smile
when you're lonely
Are a blade of unmelting ice
Exposing my chest and
Embracing me
Forever&#8230;

Where are you going alone?
Are you just afraid of looking back?
The figure of my chest
and the sad color
Even though I'm sure that they're actually very similar

With the same evanescence, we are gazing
At the place that we'll surely
return to someday

No matter how we're separated
inside this darkness
Our hearts call for each other
with a stronger bond than anything
Even if you're laughing
when you're lonely, I know it
I want to warm
Your cold fingers with my tears
I'm by your side&#8230;

While we drift
inside the darkness
Like innocent little birds,
we huddled our wings together
You, who hide behind your smile
when you're lonely
Are a blade of unmelting ice
Exposing my chest and embracing me
I'm by your side
Forever&#8230;_










Despite my natural inner cucumber, don't let this fool you.
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

No. No longer that nice & well-behaved girl.
No more 'popular' word before 'maverick'. Now it's '*maverick* maverick'.










Because apparently I've got so much going on behind that mask.
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*Just realized this picture really depicts EXACTLY how I've been feeling!!!!
Every element of it!!
*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*That's why, "Must protect! Protect!! PROTECT!!!!"*









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Surrender to the (Awful) Truth*








​
_I love him! I love him! I love him! *I love him!* I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! __I LOVE HIM!
DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT ALLOWED! IF HE'S TAKEN! IF IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!! IF IT'S 'ABSOLUTELY' FORBIDDEN!!! Don't want anything really bad happen to his gf though, JUST A BREAK UP (and a MESSY one would entertain me more) Muhahahahahahahaaaa..!! >
DON'T CARE IF HE'S AMONG THOSE LOW-MINDED PEOPLE OF THE SHALLOW STAGE PERFORMERS WHOM I WOULD CRITICIZE & BULLY & EXPOSE ALL THE MISTAKES!!
I LOVE HIM AS A *PERSON* NOT THE THINGS HE DOES!!
DON'T CARE IF LATER HIS TASTES IN EVERYTHING TURNS OUT INCOMPATIBLE WITH MINE!!
*RIGHT NOW* I CAN'T TAKE MY MIND OFF HIM!!
DON'T CARE IF ACTUALLY I'VE GOT ANOTHER MULTIPLE LOVE INTERESTS THAT HAVE ALSO BEEN MY OBSESSION & EVEN MUCH BETTER THAN HIM!!
DON'T CARE IF EVEN BY A GRAND SCALE OF A MIRACLE WE MANAGED TO BE TOGETHER BUT AFTER SOME TIME I GOT BORED AND AIMING SOMEONE ELSE!
*RIGHT NOW* I ONLY WANT HIM!!
DON'T CARE IF HE'S A FAMILY MAN WHILE I HATE THE TRIBAL MENTALITY!
DON'T CARE IF HE PREFER TO STAY WITH HIS PEOPLE WHILE I PREFER GOING AROUND THE WORLD ONLY TWO OF US!
DON'T CARE IF HE'S AN EXTROVERT PREFERS HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS WHILE I CHOOSE LIBRARIES (OR SOLO TOURING) ALL THE TIME!
*RIGHT NOW* I JUST WANT *TO BE WITH* HIM!! DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE SURROUNDING HIS LIFE!
DON'T CARE IF MY LOGIC/FURTHER VISION TOLD ME THAT HE MIGHT DO THINGS & HAVE GOT 'SMALL' ANNOYING BEHAVIORS I WOULD EXTREMELY HATE AND MAKE ME WANT TO *MURDER* HIM LATER!
*RIGHT NOW* I LOVE HIM!!
__DON'T CARE IF LATER HE BECOMES UPSET WITH ME OR VICE VERSA, HATING ME, UNDERMINING ME IN ANY WAY WHICH MIGHT LEAD TO HIS END BY MY *CRUEL VENGEANCE* WITH ZERO TOLERANCE!!
*RIGHT NOW* I CAN ONLY FEEL LOVE FOR HIM!!
DON'T CARE IF HE DOESN'T KNOW MY REAL FEELINGS TOWARD HIM DESPITE HE CAN SEE SUPERNATURAL THINGS THAT MIGHT EXPOSE MY SHADOWS & WEAKNESSES ONCE WE MEET IN PERSON!
DON'T CARE IF HE ACTUALLY CAN SEE THOSE THINGS!
I WANT THIS FEELING TO BE *ACCEPTED NOW!* I WONT BE IGNORED ANY LONGER!
DON'T CARE IF THE 'REASON' I LOVE HIM WAS BASED ON THE *SHALLOWEST* JUDGEMENTS!!
RIGHT NOW I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE!
DON'T CARE* IF LATER REALITY HIT HARD* THAT I'M ACTUALLY STILL VERY-VERY INHIBITED, *FIERCELY DEFENSIVE* & TOTALLY UNABLE TO CONNECT WITH HIM ONCE WE MEET!!
DON'T CARE *IF LATER THE HARSH TRUTH SHOWS UP* THAT WE ABSOLUTELY 100% CAN'T UNITE LIKE FIRE & WATER OR MATTER & ANTI-MATTER THAT ONLY ANNIHILATE EACH OTHER!!
DON'T CARE IF HE ACTUALLY FLAT OUT REJECTS ME!!
DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE AROUND HIM PERMANENTLY DISAGREE WITH ME BEING TOGETHER WITH HIM!!
DON'T CARE IF LATER TURNS OUT THAT I DON'T/NEVER REALLY LOVE HIM! THAT I NEVER WANT TO TRULY LIVE WITH HIM!!
*RIGHT NOW PERSISTENT ATTRACTION IS ALL I FEEL!!*
DON'T CARE IF I WILL BE SHUNNED & EXILED FOR THIS CONFESSION EVEN THOUGH IT'S STILL WITHIN THE INNER REALM!!
*I'VE NEVER REALLY VOICED THIS TRUTH OUT LOUD ANYWAY!!* ALWAYS BEEN SUPPRESSED BY THE OTHER SHIPMATES FOR THOUSANDS OF REASONS!!!
*YOU CAN KILL ME IF YOU WANT NOW!!
YOU CAN JUDGE ME ALL THE WORST IDEAS YOU CAN THINK OF!!!
I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO 'DIE' TELLING THE TRUTH YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR!!
I DON'T CARE IF THIS CAUSE ME HURT, TEARS & EXCRUCIATING SHAME!!
I DON'T CARE IF I LOSE EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF THIS!!
I DON'T CARE IF THIS INNER EXPLOSION WILL LEAD TO THE COLLAPSE OF MY REAL LIFE!!! 
[I TRUST ALL MY FEELINGS!!!]
 I ACCEPT ALL THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!*
_








​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

I think.. I've finally reached the core..??
And I can see I can use this to deal with the no. 1!! _Terrific!!!!

_​









_Alright LET'S FALL!!!!
W o o o h o o o o o o . . ! ! !
_ ​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_With a kyanite in hand, I'm writing this reflection
Let this stone be my reminder to be aware of my physical realm, 
and thus concrete way of freedom out of this state._










I'm truly grateful, I am, when people genuinely support me, as a spontaneous act. And there are also times when I express that gratitude just as spontaneous. Like what happened this morning. I just forgot being a sociopath for a while (doesn't mean I prefer the light side more, it's not like that).

But later that high energy would dissipate on its own (naturally?), and I'll return to remind myself how I got hurt by others' dark sides. I'll be reminded how the people closest to me have betrayed me by their hidden offensive values I discovered just by digging a layer deeper, due to my innate curiosity. I began again distancing myself, getting suspicious of others' EXPECTATIONS as 'trivial' as _expecting me to be good & compassionate ALL THE TIME that I wont be able to express the counter emotions if later I find them not as good as I thought!!_

While the light is indeed a part of me, I'm FRIGHTENED if I would be forced to suppress my shadows again! I've experienced the *dark side* of empathy (how's that for some kind of paradox?), I'd NEVER want to fall back into those periods!!

And just realized now that this is another reason why I now reject most support from family (ugh! chain! chain! chain!). Why I hesitate so much now to have any solid friend. Unlike strangers/acquaintances, they would *expect I treat them well all the time!*

_I'm terrified of LOSING MYSELF (both light and *shadow*) again!!









_​
I want to be as spontaneous as a 'Zen master'! To feel, EXPRESS ALL emotions right on the moment with no blockage whatsoever! Happiness, ANGER, sadness, love, HATE, CONDEMNATION, playfulness, peace, comfort, STORMS, SCREAMS, everything! Without thinking, without second guessing, with the realization that I can take all the consequences, that I can deal perfectly even playfully with everything comes to me. With the *SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE!*
​To live life without fear including the* fear of hurting others* (NO, that *doesn't* include the innocents, no!!) that _I had been indoctrinated with_ my whole life!! (But I wont really blame anyone for this, although I truly want the doctriners to stay way-way-away from me right now!)

I guess I want to live without 'thinking'..







 . . .


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Apparently this sight is not as magical as it seems..?*










If I badly want to *express* my inner wolves.. then perhaps I shall 'join the world' *(still, in MY WAY!)*, establishing, founding my _marks_ one flag at a time.. but I don't think I would make them rigidly stay only in certain spots..

_Now s s s s s h h h . . ._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Everything is painful now.. this blizzard.. is.. to o. . m u c h . .
Must. . n u mb . my s e lf . .

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Because everything feels more flowing, rich, vivid.. & peaceful when you. . 'd i e' . . 
S u r r e n d e r . ._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Seeker*










And it's not just about defensive reactions as a protection from the dangerous world & its rigid but *overwhelmingly CONFUSING* rules. I've TRADED him (and everyone else) for my inner world and Stelvio Pass dream (which is regrettably not achieved yet). I've traded him for the one who's currently existing only in my imagination. (But I'm not that head-in-the-clouds, I truly want him to be real & I've seen the concrete signs showing up.. only just now I'm stuck, falling into this particular guy again!)

Is it my fault if they are so ordinary?? With only everyday chores coming to their minds? Is it my fault they lack the vision in life? Is it my fault their taste is so average? Is it my fault that the environments, cities I've lived in & traveled lack of beauty & full of friendly but IGNORANT people? Is it my fault that their dull life lead me to seeking another world? Is it my fault they lack the *MYSTERY & WONDER* I crave so much that without them I feel totally meaningless??






Blue Caravan
Music: Vienna Teng
Vocal: Vienna Teng

_Blue blue caravan
Winding down to the valley of lights
My true love is a man
Who would hold me for ten thousand nights

In the wild wild wailing of wind
He's a house 'neath a soft yellow moon.
So blue blue caravan
Won't you carry me down to him soon

Blue blue caravan
Won't you drive away all of these tears
For my true love is a man 
That I haven't seen in years

He said, "Go where you have to 
For I belong to you until my dying day."
So like a fool, blue caravan
I believed him and I walked away.

Oh my blue blue caravan
The highway is my great wall
For my true love is a man
Who never existed at all

Oh he was a beautiful fiction
I invented to keep out the cold
But now, my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing old

Oh my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing old_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Visionary*








​
_I want to see faraway lands. From the driest dry to the coldest cold, the greenest green to the barest bare. Where sky is wide open, brings out the mountain wind whispering to my ears, caressing my cheeks, singing mysterious riddles inviting me to discover treasures in the ends of tracks unbeaten.

Places where my heart trembling with excitement of anticipation what every turn might bring. Places where strangers & cats hand me hints & map fragments. Places where my DEPTH is understood & appreciated, immediately known simply by our eyes meeting.

Foreign paths where I would meet my true love, a stranger of different race & language but magically shares the same core values. To whom I feel the bond is deep and undeniable.__

A master phoenix who has fallen into his deepest ravine but brave enough to rise, coming up a new being. The wiser one who knows darkness, aware of his own shadows but chooses innocence anyway. __Equally a joker card who loves to play in depth & mystery._


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Idealist*








*And I want everything going EXACTLY how I write them!! NO TOLERANCE, ZERO COMPROMISE!! What I love I keep, what I hate I ERADICATE!!! All must go according to plan from START TO END!!
**
Nothing is half-way done. Perfect scores or failing class. Perfect masterpiece or not a single work. Grand vision or nothing. Perfect life story or nothing. Perfect lover or no one. Perfect society or zero human. Perfect universe or anti-matter apocalypse!!**







*




_[Yep, here's Death Note ending OST from yours truly. ]_

Alumina
-Nightmare-

_In the flowing time a momentary sparkle twinkles
I keep walking to engrave the world's memories, a believer

I had a dream no one else had, I threw away everything I didn't need
I can't surrender the feelings I have kept in my heart

Even if I'm still between the real and ideal, and my feet have fallen victim to shackles
These overflowing impulses cannot be suppressed because my heart still strongly yearns

"Lies" "Fear" "Vanity" "Grief", I'm not so weak as
To be seized by such negativity, I'm a trickster that doesn't know solitude

I look up at the buildings that pierce the night sky, the stars and such in space invisible
"Will I be lost?" I wonder

The whole town overflowing with tainted people, I won't be lured by such things
Because I want to see something grab my hand at the end of the road connected to tomorrow

My eyes close and I surface in a sea of consciousness
That's when I obtain the ideals I've pictured

Merely receiving life in the world and withering away is just as stupid as dying
I must obtain what no one else can, the crystal called "oneself"

Piercing through simplicity will one day change to the truth
I want to continue believing in it. It's just my faith, the absolute truth

In the flowing time a momentary sparkle twinkles
I keep walking to engrave the world's memories, a believer_









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Philosopher*










_Because all I want to do is to understand the world.

*within where the truth and lie intertwine
I can see something grand
even if it's hard to define
I won't cease trying to understand

swimming in the pool of logic
still can't avoid the world's trick
thus frequently I see life as chaotic
while might actually full of magic *_






Inner Universe
Music: Yoko Kanno
Vocal: Origa

_Angels and demons were circling above me
Swishing through the thorns and galaxies
Only the one doesn't know happiness,
Who couldn't understand its call&#8230;

Watch in awe, watch in awe
Heavenly glory, heavenly glory
Watch in awe, watch in awe
Heavenly glory, heavenly glory

I am calling, calling now, spirits rise and falling
To stay myself longer&#8230;
Calling, calling, in the depth of longing
To stay myself longer&#8230;

Watch in awe, watch in awe
Heavenly glory, heavenly glory

Stand alone&#8230; Where was life when it had a meaning&#8230;
Stand alone&#8230; Nothing's real anymore and&#8230;

Endless run&#8230;
While I'm alive, I can try not to fall while flying
To learn how to dream&#8230; to love&#8230;
&#8230;Endless run&#8230;

Calling, calling now, for the place of knowing
There's more than what can be linked
Calling, calling now, never will I look away
For what life has left for me

Yearning, yearning, for what's left of loving
To stay myself longer&#8230;
Calling, calling now, spirits rise and falling&#8230;
To stay myself longer&#8230;
Calling, calling, in the depth of longing&#8230;
To stay myself longer&#8230;

Watch in awe, Watch in awe
Heavenly glory, Heavenly glory
Watch in awe, watch in awe
Heavenly glory, Heavenly glory _










_And every new song, new book, new person is another whole different universe to me._









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_These realizations.. 1 suffocating knot of chains broken up & 3 layers of looking glasses shattered!!_










_I see even more why I've been doing what I've been doing!!_
​


----------



## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

pied vert said:


> you are soooooo funny, in a good way. you're like me without any inhibitions. you're a rock star. *you deserve all the love you ever crave*.
> 
> :heart :drunk









​
realizing I never thought that I _truly_ deserve.. love..
*forever thanks for the one who gave this idea!*

♢​
next question:
now I wonder if what I need to do is just.. ask??!

_aaarrgh!! omg omg omg SCARED! SCARED! SCARED!

_♢








​
Yes indeed, I never thought of that. A lightning (a good one) struck me when someone said that. What I've focused on my whole life is that I deserve RESPECT, and would fight tooth & nail for it. Now this notion I was just presented to is different. *Something melted like an ice cube. *_*Some wolves instantly trusted it, made ways, opening, revealing something..*_


















_That's right, why don't I just *ask*?
_​ _____
PS: @*pied vert* don't worry, 'just because' I may quote you many times (because I found this precious) doesn't mean I put a burden of expectations of any kind on you. 
I thought I'd mention this because I've got this fear myself, if you actually don't, then just ignore this.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Tears of a Star?*

That reminds me of something from my Curious Cases Scrapbook:

Split Image






Part of me is excited with this, "Oooh.. I love paradoxes!! And she's seemingly BETTER than I am but inside she's SUFFERING MORE! Even took an extreme measure to end it! Yessss!!!! *I don't want to lose*!!"

Part of me is heart broken. She seemed having it all, the look, the intelligence, the physical health & vitality, the happy family, the genuine friends.. she's supposed to be the one who's ENVIED by people surrounding her but turned out that couldn't be further from the truth. It was _*the other way around*_, as I understand it.

She was surrounded by love. But somehow at some point she was unable to see it, clouded.. (Doesn't mean I discount her point of view because sometimes it's true: hurt, huge disappointment, harsh real life can make you second guess everything.)

What I'm trying to say is, she seemed to be the one who deserved *love* [that's right I don't say this to just everyone, just so you know]. Because of her independence & (seemingly) kind personality-unlike me who's part werewolf (but I was 'nice' when I was in the early 20s anyway), I'm sure she would get *everything* she ever wanted on a silver plate if she just asked. But she COULDN'T. Even her despair was so deep that she chose to just end it all in low note. That breaks my heart..
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
If I think about it again, among other reasons, it was I who have been the defensive one. *THREATENINGLY* defensive. It was I who would most likely reject him (and with very HARSH tone too!) not the vice versa. It's my wolf-like instincts for danger. And it was I who seemingly have got an unflinching sense of principles.

It was I who blatantly made an uninteresting & REBELLIOUS expression when we met because it was indeed (semi)forced. It was I who made the gesture, "I'm a strong, independent lone ranger who DOESN'T NEED ANYONE not friends nor lovers. So LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

I felt hurt now because of my inner wolves but I can't really be angry with them because they truly have protected me from many other obvious dangers before. And their other intention also came from the good will: for my dignity as a precious individual.

I think I'll just be aware of this, and try not to make the same mistake* next time. To learn to be vulnerable to the right person/people, to sharpen & refine my instincts so they would recognize & respond to signs better.

Is he absolutely out of my life now? Or really, all I need to do is *ask* despite I might find a very bitter truth/result in the end? Either way, I think it's best for me not to dwell in this for too long. (Let's see if I can really do that.)










_And anyway, I'll always have my wolves with me, I'll always be a lone soldier of some kind. Now I accept that more, and so, without discounting my desires & dreams, I'll try to leave it all to the universe to bring the one that's truly compatible with me, with who I really am. In all levels.
_​
______
*) Nah. This is not a real mistake, not by my own sole part. This hostile-shaming & confusing world, our environments where we were born & live in, my core personality, my emptiness, my grand visions, him, and I are one. Of one story.. I might blame god but I believe I still can deal with this (..can't I?)
But of course I would *rage like a maniac* when it comes to others' pain!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Even the ones on the top don't really have it all..*









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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_A *relieving* & humbling experience..?_










And I can sense this would solve another big knot in No. 1! 
(Albeit it's going to be.. painful at first?)
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Why, hello. Now you see me..

_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*You Are Somewhat Machiavellian*​







​
You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

......................
How Machiavellian Are You?
Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes!


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## pied vert (Jan 23, 2016)

Prince Adrian said:


> realizing I never thought that I _truly_ deserve.. love..
> *forever thanks for the one who gave this idea!*
> Yes indeed, I never thought of that. A lightning (a good one) struck me when someone said that. What I've focused on my whole life is that I deserve RESPECT, and would fight tooth & nail for it. Now this notion I was just presented to is different. Something melted like an ice cube. _Some wolves instantly trusted it, made ways, opening, revealing something.._


awww, I'm happy that what I said meant something for you. there are probably people who are satisfied with being respected (also a necessity), but I can't imagine being loveless!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

pied vert said:


> awww, I'm happy that what I said meant something for you. there are probably people who are satisfied with being respected (also a necessity), but I can't imagine being loveless!


:lol I guess I've been so foreign to the idea of love (tainted with *fears* of anything related to it) that this came as new to me. _*omg what a realization!!*_ Thanks again!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_(After looking at my earlier posts again, reminding me of the triumphs big & small I've achieved..)
_
Fine. I might feel small even painfully insignificant sometimes. But if you think I'd fall so low that I would think myself as *really* inferior to everyone & anything else, you're wrong.

I just need to realize I'm the WHOLE ocean, not only one tiny cramp corner somewhere in its abyss (although I'd explore them if they want my attention-now how's that for _COURAGE_, huh?!)!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*(Learning to be) Comfortable in Uncertainty*









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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

So that's what's been happening.
*I see*..

 This yellow spectrum is everywhere. Protecting me all the time in every life aspects.
My hurt has indeed been so deep, as a highly sensitive person that I am.
It was a blow after blow after blow after blow. And all had been shoved under the carpet for I had no time healing them.

This protective BLINDING energy has been in every puzzle door not just No.2.
In addition to the red & indigo light.. it means I'm actually much further from him than I thought.
(But why something else told me we're even closer at the same time??)

I can see this light clearer now, deeply THRUSTING onto No. 1 & 2.
1. Against the world system. [CONNECTION with the world as a pattern-engage or disengage or CHANGE it altogether!]
2. Against personal relationships. [CONNECTION with other humans (*NOT* including the monsters!!)]
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

So other people really exist?
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*A Date With A Philosopher*








​
When someone(s) said to me, "Thinking of you and wishing you all the best" etc etc, I can't help glancing at surroundings or behind me, thinking, "Who? Me? Are you really talking to me?"

And as I'll be making gesture in which my hands pointing to my chest, that sense of identity as "me" is dissolving away, no longer solid (unlike what happens when I HATE things?). "Who am I here you're talking about?"

_"Who am I?" _

But this is not a depressing question or anything. Just a curious one..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*A Date With A Philosopher #2*








​
_[Note: SERIOUSLY, if you don't like reading about my self-validated confidence below, you're free to leave. ]
_
That's why I've always turned down every offer of this kind of love. I've been a skeptic (hopefully not so much from now on).

When many guys admired me back when I was at school, I didn't believe their interest would last. Not true _love_ at all, only shallow desires. My logic/'wise' side said, "Oh. It's just high school drama. Nothing more. Real temporary."

_When you said you love me, who am I you're talking about?
Are you referring to my personality, my individual beauty, certain parts of me or the WHOLE me-which you can't possibly know yet because we haven't interacted close enough? _

It must be just because of my look at a glance-even though I was truly a dork (okay, maybe also talents, intelligence.. and STUBBORNNESS holding solid principles/integrity back then-so I guess I've always been.. courageous, but now it's about something else entirely.)
But still, it must be just a fling of youth hormones. Which I've read & heard many times everywhere that it's best not to follow these impulses: always UP TO NO GOOD!

Strange, maybe they found me even more attractive because I wasn't a player or such, I really didn't think of needing a mate. "No 'nonsense' for the time being."

While indeed this has its wisdom, I didn't know that it also came from another deeper source that's based on FEAR, HURT, & CONFUSION/OVERWHELM. This hidden undercurrent unexpectedly has continued until now.

And while I thought of their interest on me this way, so do I though about MY interests upon whom I felt attracted to. "This is just as not real." _[OMG this unexpectedly speaks so much for Puzzle No. 2!!]
_
***

One day when I was in university, my friend, a lecturer, and I had a short chat. We were talking about the usual lesson materials but then drifted to him talking about his life experiences, mainly supernatural related. Suddenly the lecturer mentioned about palm reading.. and he looked at my left hand's palm just for 1 and a half second. And he said, "Oh.. you're (tend to be?) liked by men."

I immediately withdrew my hand, my heart was trembling with both the sense of rising self-worth and *FEAR* of VAMPIRES & MONSTERS!!!








​
Just HOW THE HELL HE KNEW THAT??!

My friend & I just met & chatted with him outside of formal lectures that time, and I think it's just less than an hour but he could 'read' us fast. Like how he could also tell that my friend had a liver disease and I was not, and also some other strange cases he solved outside academic area.

Back to the palm reading, I know that he's right because it was (or has been?).. right. Even further back then when I was just a child, no obvious sign of attractive attributes like intelligence, talents, etc aside from look (hey, hey, we're talking a CHILD here!!), I noticed lots of the opposite sex quickly 'fell in love' with me. While there were many girls around no less attractive than I was.

Often times I was REAL SENSITIVE (compared to today sometimes also an absent-minded professor), I could tell at once by their gestures. But no, often times I didn't take that as a compliment. It's DANGER instead! Much later in college age I got to understand that my first instinct has always been SELF-PRESERVATION. SOLO SURVIVAL. And so that's how it worked.

I really don't know how did that happen. Do I have a strange, MYSTERIOUS pheromone or something?? Even when I haven't happened to form any solid identity??








​
This lecturer's fancy palm reading result was even stranger because when I was in university I felt I could breath easier 'cause I didn't see any of those signs anymore.. or maybe just not obviously? But this is more complicated though, might involve my other energy aspects..

***

What I'm trying to say here is that I guess I'm confused about my own 'magnet'. Don't know what to do with it, how & when to use it. Not even yet mentioning that poisonous liquid messing up with everything.

..and btw it's more fun to analyze this compared to dealing with Puzzle No. 1. Yeah, it's about danger-but right now I'm safe and more powerful than I was, but obviously this also rises my self-esteem again after the latest defeats, hoho..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #5: The Hermit and the Fool (part 1)*










_*"I don't know..?!? I DON'T KNOW..!!!"*_​
Taken aback by my own answer in this thread. I think it's revealing something FOR me more than it's for others.

_(These are based on my personal experiences only-)_

Because,

Says who you're the worst, 'smallest' artist ever?
*You don't know that.*
Says who you've got the weakest talent?
*You don't know that for sure.*
Says who s/he's the greatest artist ever?
*They don't really know that. Even if the world is hailing only one name in their heads, most likely the legend already dead, meaning s/he couldn't have known!*
Says who you can't ever improve? Says who you're too late for anything?
*You don't know that. Even when you try and fail, does it guarantee your next failure? I don't think it's always the case.*
Says who this level of mastery is the highest you can achieve?
*You don't know what you can do if you don't explore.*
Says who you're worthless, meaningless, just doesn't count in the world or doesn't mean anything to anyone?
*You don't know that. Someone might die for you and you're completely unaware about it. And you might already change the world doing small ripples affecting the whole earth.*
Says who you'll never amount to anything?
*You don't know that. I bet you haven't even tried, held back by fear.*
Says who your (personal) world is going to end?
*You can't even really know what would happen tomorrow. What (pleasant) surprises, what new ideas, new insights can show up tomorrow that will get you out of the prison.*
Says who those people you perceive as being on the top are not facing any problem?
*You don't know that for certain ever.*









_Is this a bit tacky? But it's L or L-like so it's worth displaying. _​
Says who I can't ever do those epic road trips, while being 100% ME with ZERO mask?
Says who I can't really be a detective (of my style), a musician, an artist, even an armchair philosopher, or any other fun roles unfolding while being me all the light & shadows?
Says who I can't be those all simultaneously?
Says who all my dreams have absolutely ended?
Says who I can't have a perfect partner who's mysterious, exciting & nurturing at the same time, to whom I'm free to be both vulnerable & wolf-like?
Says who my entire resources were really depleted?
Says who there is no other way out apart from what the normal minds think & do??
Says who my options are limited to their ways?!?
*Despite all the fears of the unknown, I DON'T really know the end result.*








​
And can you really tell what people really feels (providing you're not an empath or highly intuitive)?
Can you possibly say for sure that certain people can't have deep feelings?

_Can you tell for sure that a certain person doesn't have the same mutual feelings for you?_

Can you tell with 100% certainty that you wont make it in whatever endeavor you choose/love?
*I don't think so, now that I intuit it, now that I sense this as a deep-source based knowledge.*

On the bright side, not knowing things means exploration, ADVENTURE.
I've known this already since I was 19, when a certain curiosity brought me to the destruction of the rigid labyrinth of logic & 'common sense'.
But turned out there were still many labyrinths to break through, and even up to now I still haven't got the full grasp of this precious gem called "The Paradox of Zero". (No, I want to figure this out on my own, okay, not via other experts' books.)








​
***

To take things in = depth, rich inner life (albeit could be alongside severe side effects!)
But to express what's within = discovery?
Because often times I didn't know, "How did I get that idea? How did I do that? It just flown out of me. I never knew I'm like this!"
Until I write something, paint something, express myself in someway.
Like answering that thread..

Showing again how I don't really know myself.. and what I've actually (already?) GOT. And just for your info I'm talking about someone who has been investigating herself for more than 20 YEARS. Yep. I still don't know who I am. Or.. I think I sense that instead I've become 'not knowing' even more the further I investigate..


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Optimism is..*










..focusing on the best outcome in uncertainty.
Just right on the other side of the coin..

_(a.k.a he may love me! 
..and *I can get out of here!!*)
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*( Sociopath's Note )*








​
And I'm glad clowns can cry (& kill themselves too)!!! Ahahahahaaaa....!!! >

I want to see extroverts in demise!!* I want to see those jerks who RIDICULED my depth CRASH into the lowest floor every limbs & bones crack scattered to all directions!!

*) Except those who respect my boundaries & help fixing my motorbike. :laugh:






Tears of a Clown
-Smokey Robinson & The Miracles-

_Now if there's a smile on my face,
it's only there tryin' to fool the public,
but when it comes down to foolin' you;

Now honey, that's quite a different subject.
But don't let my glad expression
give you the wrong impression.
Really I'm sad.
I'm sadder than sad.
You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad.
Like a clown I pretend to be glad.

(chorus)

Now there's some sad things known to man,
but ain't too much sadder than
the tears of a clown
when there's no one around.

Now if I appear to be carefree,
it's only to camouflage my sadness.
In order to SHIELD my pride I try
to cover the hurt with a show of gladness.

But don't let my show convince you
that I've been happy since you
decided to go.
Oh, I need you so.
I'm hurt and I want you to know.

(chorus)

Just like Pagliacci did,
I try to keep my sadness hid.
smilin' in the public eye
while in my lonely room I cry
the tears of a clown
when there's no one around._​
Because when I see these,










..what did they say? "JUST a 'cat'"?? Why, it's one of the most beautiful creatures ever created!! They are mythical beings descended from heaven! Instead of letting me admiring them, deeply observing them, slowly gently stroking them, they CRINGE & MADE FUN of me for being too 'serious'!! And many other instances. _You shallow fish indeed deserve to be run over by trains!!_














Tears of a Clown
-U.D.O-_

All his life he did his best for all
And the crown of laughter hanging low
The spotlight in the ring
The choruses that sing
The paint and masquerade was just a show

The clown - the clown
Happiness around
Just a soul lonely in the crowd
The clown - the clown
His heart is all alone
No one wants the tears of a clown

The living of the glory and applause
The circus tent, the only home he knows
The cover-up is bold,
The mask becoming cold
It's easier to let the eyelids close

The final curtain falls for all to see
The final score, the circus melody
His star that shone so bright,
Gave comfort in the night
The light that always held him set him free_










_Yessss!!

_















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Kawa-kawa-kawaiiiiiii....!! :heart
But sorry I can't be your or any other cats' "forever" buddy.._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Solving the Unsolvable #6: The Hermit and the Fool (part 2)*










*To Know or Not to Know?*​
Because there are times when I can really be sure that:

I know an idea/insight is true.
Knowing that as an answer.
All without needing any confirmation from the outside.
And I know all my feelings/emotions are valid.
I know they are real parts of me who deserve my attention.

I just know what to do in certain situations.
Without thinking, without analyzing.
Without weighing all the benefits & losses.
Like in some social situations (although partly still clouded by insecurities & 'inauthentic' expressions of trained adaptations).
Like in making art or playing piano by ear.

Or instinctively knowing that I'm in a real danger.
That a person is not to be trusted.
That a certain stranger is a VAMPIRE I can smell from afar.

So what do we really know? What we don't really or never know?
What is to know and what is unnecessary to find out?
Which is for the mind to think & solve and which is not?

Now about not knowing, it's easy to just ponder, "What if uncertainty actually means freedom?"
But one can't deny that one obvious face of the coin is fear.








​
Now, an irony, at one point I can see I can enjoy not knowing because deeper within I _KNOW_ about other things originated from a more _solid_ source, like:

I _know_ whatever happens I'll be fine.*
I _know_ I'll be doing okay without a lifebuoy because I _know_ the ocean wont just suck me in. 
I _know_ I can learn to swim, I _know_ that the water would hold me up even if I do nothing & just floating.

Thus in this perspective, freedom is not the opposite of safety at all. *Freedom is the HIGHER form of SAFETY!***

That's right,

_"FREEDOM = HIGHER SAFETY"_








​
But right now not all my nervous system have understood that yet. I'm grateful to remember this insight to solve my life problems, coming from the deep & then expanding outward.

Now while waiting my whole body to catch up to become a master mage/joker card (see the 'contrast'?) spontaneously going to the right places meeting the right people in the right moments, I'll just stick to the "survivalist hermit"-curiosity with caution. Of course with mind still open.. at least I'll try.. in MY way..

_____
*) Disclaimer: I'm still very fluctuating about this though.
**) That's right this is *my* insight. Mine, *MINE*, *MINE!!* It's 'copyrighted'!!


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Now wh o.. a m. . I . . again..?_
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_That's right, I *DON'T* KNOW that._
_And that and *that* and *that* and that and that..!!_
















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​_
Yes, yes, we are shattering glasses but don't worry, you're still free to be you. 
Absolutely, keep all those static aesthetics, all the frames, all the inner world & navy blue filter, treasure them, CELEBRATE them.
Keep loving those carnivals, mysteries, wonders, all the magic. In fact, I'm taking you there. This time for real.

No, no more fitting in, don't worry. _*G R O U N D Z E R O *_ as always.
We are who we are._








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Now I tell you my 'nightmare'.*
















































































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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

And also, it's all lies. Everyone has a past.








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*This time for real*








​
Ironically, I think now I become more fitting to be a detective..






But will I not face just another adversary after this..?
_*NO! NO!! NO!!!!*
Why wont the world let me rest a bit & enjoy this discovery?!?!!
_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Because EQUANIMITY*
















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Awaken*








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*SOUL URGE NUMBER SEVEN*

*You have a deep need to develop trust and faith and find your own answer to the meaning of life.*​
When you look deep into your core, you have an underlying and pressing need to seek out information and analyze it. Underneath it all, you have a burning need to seek out knowledge and spiritual understanding. You want to dig deep and contemplate heavily. You're the perfect researcher and everything always comes back to informing your own sense of inner wisdom. Your life-long task is to get to know the _true you_, inside and out.

Your heart's desire leads you on a very "internal" journey. You need a good deal of private "alone" time. Your life is instructed by a powerful collision between practical, tangible data and the analysis of it. Then on the other hand, you're highly intuitive and your gift-and your task-is to integrate the two (your intellect and your intuition) into a harmonious dance team. This is a deeply felt need.








You're a person people never really truly know because you're most often attempting to figure that out yourself! Some of your internal struggles might include your propensity for living in your head and intellectualizing everything. Be careful with using sharp words, as you can hurt people without realizing it. You have exquisite observation skills and when you have a strong sense of spirituality (however that manifests for you), you're at your best. Otherwise, you can fall into superficiality, skepticism, cynicism or depression. You're a gentle soul and your heart's desire is to truly know yourself and the mysteries of the planet - and to share your hard-won wisdom with the world.






You love learning and gaining knowledge in every area possible. You have a remarkable mind and an ability to understand things on a level that is far deeper than average. You are extremely analytical and you know how to find the information you need to deepen your understanding of things. You aren't much for baseless belief. You have trouble believing in anything that isn't observable or tangible. This makes it difficult for you to extend trust. You can be very rigid and impersonal with people which can be damaging in relationships. Sevens have a hard time letting their feelings show. Feelings are impractical, after all.






The highest calling of your soul is to learn about everything scientific and esoteric. Your thirst for knowledge is only quenched by copious hours alone spent studying your pet subjects. This can be any subject as many of you aspire to have brains that are the equivalent of Alexandrian libraries. 

 You love to read and subjects such as history, science, metaphysics, physics, archaeology and religion fuel your rich imagination with inspiration and ideas. Many of you are geniuses, plain and simple. 

 Others may perceive you as very cold and even socially dysfunctional but actually your detachment from others is very spiritually sophisticated. You don't like expressing your emotions and like Dorothy Parker said you believe that "spilling one's guts is as ugly as it sounds." 

 Your reluctance to let anyone get to know the real you is an innate defense mechanism that prevents you from being hurt by others. You better than anybody know that knowledge is power and you don't want anyone to have power over you. This is because you often perceive relationships and their accompanying dramas and emotions to be an intrusion into your personal headspace. 

 You are usually a dreamer rather than a doer and best suit an occupation that allows you to sit and conceptualize to your heart's desire. Money means nothing to you as all of your riches come from books and learning however many of you often end up in well paid positions simply because you are brilliant and excel in school. 









​
As you are so helpless socially and often unkempt personally as well, one of your greatest wishes is that someone will come along and take care of you. As you are so charming and humble in a mysterious way you usually luck out in the romance department. You have a knack for attracting individuals who need to feel special by being aligned with someone special and your eccentricities certainly fit the bill. 

 You may also have a tendency to get stuck on one person whether the love is requited or not. You may idealize this person and see them as a symbol rather than who they really are. In romance, you really do need to watch a tendency to project the qualities of a god or goddess on a quite ordinary person. 

Living too much inside your head might present a lifetime's worth of challenge for you. Your cool personality often makes it difficult for you to make friends. Opportunities often pass you by because your brilliance makes you forgetful. The best way to draw your soul out of the either and back down into your body is to work out and exercise regularly. Long walks alone in nature can help satisfy your need for both solitude and grounding.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Wishing *him* thinking of ME this way.









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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*[WARNING: A MACHIAVELLIAN POST]*​
And does/*MUST* it take another genius to understand a genius?








​
But on the other side that would leave my confidence drop to ZERO: I'm not the only one! Yes, they understand me, they get my point of view, they even SUFFER like I do. But it means I'm not the only one, *I'M NOT UNIQUE anymore!!*








​
_THAT'S RIGHT I HATE IT DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!!
I *DON'T* WANT ANOTHER GENIUS!! *LET ALONE GENIUS OF HIGHER AND HIGHER AND HIGHER INTELLECT!!!*
I WANT TO BE THE ONLY ONE!!!!
THE ONE!!!! _

















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Prince Adrian said:


> You may also have a tendency to get stuck on one person whether the love is requited or not. You may idealize this person and see them as a symbol rather than who they really are. In romance, you really do need to watch a tendency to project the qualities of a god or goddess on a quite ordinary person.


And so (because) that's indeed just the way I am..!








​
_"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive._

_To them&#8230; a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, *a lover is a god*, and failure is death."_

--Pearl Buck

_____
PS: And no, _I still don't want Pearl Buck etc etc to exist!! And so does everybody else!_:mum_Only androids stay!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Still so much to reconcile._
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Because now I see.
In regard to that matter, my *GREATEST fear* is..








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

You don't know how _FRIGHTENED_ I have always been about this, 
wondering all the time if it's *INEVITABLE*..!!








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*But at least I've found something for Puzzle No. 1..*










_..and might solve the others as well._
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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Inclusion*

It's not* SAS | (get a) life!*​ But *Life = SAS + other things you do*
_[damn what I'm writing?? exposing myself like this?!? :doh]_

♢

Just like it's NOT *inner world | outer world/(get a) life!*
But *Life = inner world + your environment*

Perhaps I do am one with my surroundings. That the kind of separation I've been experiencing has been an *△*illusion..

♢

And it's NOT *imagination | reality*
But instead *"Reality" = the imagined + the sensed

*​ *







*​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_So.. define who you are, again?__
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Context*


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*"Wanna get SERIOUS..?!!"*
























​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I may not yet have all the answers but these recent discoveries are liberating enough.._


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Aaaaaaaaaa*aaa*aarrr*rrr*rgg*ggh*h...!!!!!
It's getting WORSE!!!! 
COMPLICATIONS.. [email protected]#$?{%^*&$#;[/!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Puzzle No. 3 Defined*


































_And just realized I've been SOOOO 
ANGRY 
about those!!!!!!!!
How REBELLIOUS I am even MORE than I thought!!!!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_









DISAPPOINTED..!!!
to self. SHAME.
I know nothing. again.
comparing to him. again @#$#!!!!
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!
*@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!!*
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!!!
*@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!!!!*
@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*@#$%^&*!!([?/;$#%^&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*









_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Split Image Decoded*

































​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*And I'm STILL. EVER. fighting that wicked kraken!!*








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

So that kind of ("NORMAL") life is *INDEED* NOT for me? 
Fine.

 _I GIVE UP.

__







_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*EQUILIBRIUM It Is*








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Particles are good, WAVES are BAD!!!*


























_Just one turn forward.. and there, my possibly __VERY. GREATEST. *FEAR*...!!!!!!
How many more times should I experience these disturbances to resolve everything?!?!!?!!
_























​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_And HOW COULD THEY not see my TURMOIL?!?!!?!
HOW COULD THEY NOT *OWN* MY FEARS?!?!?!!!
HOW COULD THEY NOT SEE *HOW DISTURBED I'VE BEEN* ABOUT THAT MATTER, ABOUT THAT SUPPOSEDLY "SIMPLE" COMMON SENSE?!?!!!!!_








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_I CANNOT BE *INNOCENT* anymore!!!!!!!
_







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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Everything becomes *WRONG*!! *EVERYTHING*!!!!!
I CAN'T USE THAT INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS ENERGY ASPECT WITHOUT BEING EXTREMELY AFRAID OF *DANGER *AND* GUILT*!!!!!!!!
I BECOME ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS!!! CAN'T *SAVOR MY OWN *POWER!!!!!
_







​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_God it's awful but that's the TRUTH!!! THAT'S THE TRUTH!! TRUTH!! *TRUTH!!* TRUTH!! TRUTH!! TRUTH!! TRUTH!! TRUTH!! *TRUTH!!** TRUTH!!* TRUTH!! *TRUTH!! *TRUTH!!

How come I haven't heard anything from the deep blue yet?!?!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_Because of present COMPARING GAME and *surfacing HIDDEN TURMOILS* the childhood memories that should be treasured now only telling stories of overwhelming SHYNESS & AWKWARDNESS.. poisonously painful!!!!!!
_









*

_No wonder I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PAST!!!!_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_*SENSATION OVERLOAD* @#$%^&*[/;"#%!!!!!!
. . .
Are we really THAT different??!!?!

_
















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
_And how could they show & EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS SO EASILY while *ALL I REMEMBER ARE THE EXPERIENCES OF BEING* RIDICULED, UNDERMINED, & MOCKED WHEN I DID THAT?!?!!!! While all I remember are *YOUR OFFENSIVE BEHAVIORS, YOUR UNFORGIVABLE IGNORANCE, TRAGIC DRAMAS & TRAUMATIZING CRIME NEWS*!!!!!

How could they just tell, show, even brag about their most VULNERABLE sides of themselves to practically EVERYONE, even *OPENLY CELEBRATE* them *while here I am waiting in the basement to *EXPLODE??!?!!!!_

_They talk about everything around it SO CASUALLY like NOTHING AT ALL!! And worse they actually expect ME to approach those issues the same way!!!

Thanks to INSECURITY & fear of getting RIDICULED what choice do I have but to painfully putting on a mask of *everything-is-okay-and-ORDINARY-and-supposed-to-be-taken-VERY-LIGHTLY* while inside I'm heavily invested by aggressive POISON IVIES?!?!?!!!!

How could they?!!

 HOW COULD YOU ALL!!!!!​​​_


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)




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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_So 'THANKS' TO YOU with all these merciless walls of inhibitions I've become so tightly CLOSED & now *DREADFULLY TERRIFIED* of wasting potentials!!!!
In fact I'VE WASTED SO MUCH ALREADY!!!!!!

All this time you've been thinking that you've been doing the best. 
WELL, APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! 
Because I'm an OBSERVER: I see all things *HIDDEN & SUBTLE* you shoved under the carpet. I've never missed recognizing a PATTERN.
And I'm an ARTIST: I feel everything in extremes from the lowest to the highest spectrum. I take everything personally.
Thus I NEVER FORGET & NEVER FORGIVE!

Right, so now my cave is closed because you obviously don't deserve seeing & enjoying my beauty & treasures, NO, NOT A CHANCE!!!! 'Cause you'll just mock my depth my sensitivity my *VULNERABILITY *in ALL AREAS like you've ignorantly done back then you mangy CLOWNS!!!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_*REAL* NOT FAIR they don't have MY *FEARS*!!!
How could they not feel the *SAME UPHEAVALS*!!!!
UNFAIR!
UNFAIR!!
UNFAIR!!!!
UNFAIR!!!!!
_







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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_And I REALLY want to *kill* that bytch of a CLOWN now!!_ Instead of just posting here releasing anger, why can't I hire a psychological assassin? Because why would I want to get my hands dirty & even dirtier by squeezing life out of her body? No, I'm not really afraid of karma whatever, I'm more 'afraid' of the law where you can get to jail for life. Why waste my energy & potentials for one PETTY worthless fish, no.. a thrown away shoe??








​
So my plan is the assassin would stalk her, gaining information regarding everything about her life, and we would be in constant contact so I can plot a scheme to _DRIVE HER TO S**CIDE!!_ >> Then later of course it's the assassin who would be my hands & feet terrorizing her *every. single. day.* until she SUFFERS flawlessly. If she ends up in a mental hospital then fine, it's the same as death to me, might be even worse! >










_Yesss..!! Let's *SHRED* that clown - using HER OWN weaknesses!!!_ Nope, I wont really _eat_ her. Clowns don't taste good. _Bleacchh!!_















​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_That. garbage can. of a. CLOWN. and. the *SPONGE*. and. the wobbly *MERCURY DROP*..!!!!!
HOW COME DEATH NOTES AREN'T REAL (and dropped into my lap)?!?!!?!!!_








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Because I KNOW I was right I'm right I've been right I'm ALWAYS RIGHT you dirty shallow bytch!!!!!
_







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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_That's right! From now on *EVERY. SINGLE. CLOWN.* who crosses my path will be SET ABLAZE with ABSOLUTELY *NO MERCY*!!!!! From now on all my crews are free to PLOT every single possible terrible thing happen to them & EXECUTE one by one using *any available power*!!! From now on all prayers of killing those *DIMWITTED BUFFOONS* are 100% VALIDATED!!!!_

BURN THE CLOWNS!
BURN THE CLOWNS!!
BURN THE CLOWNS!!!
BURN THE CLOWNS!!!!
_BURN THE CLOWNS!!!!!
ULTIMATE SUFFERING ONLY FOR THE CLOWNS!!!!!!!
_








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Because HOW COOL is that? To have RELENTLESS DETERMINATION to SLAY DEAD YOUR ENEMIES!*










_ADIEU, clowns!!!
ROT in hell for ALL ETERNITY!!!!!
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Now, Puzzle No. 2!*



Prince Adrian said:


> So that kind of ("NORMAL" _@#$%^&*!!!_) life is INDEED *NOT* for me?
> Fine.
> 
> _I GIVE UP._











◆



Prince Adrian said:


> btw today I found a trigger word here on SAS _@#$%^&*;/?#$ DAMN IT!!!!!_ realized now I can't think the same way again about that word. a word that's mostly registered in this world as common sense just like anything else. _GOD#@3$%^&*@?;/!!!!!_





Prince Adrian said:


> _as if that trigger word isn't enough, now another TOXIC trigger phrase showed up *@#$%^&*/;[#!!!!!!!!!*_
> 
> 
> 
> ...









​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_How could anyone else *stay innocent* about this?!??!! While I CAN'T?!?!! Not anymore!!!! And that's just UNFAIR!!!!!
_















​
_Because NO WAVES are allowed!!!

Of course I agree with a lot of it as my instincts know it to be true!! But then that makes the other derivations got POISONED as well!!!! And my strong magnet didn't help either (despite I'm still incredibly grateful for it)!!
_









●





​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Childhood romance:

Overwhelm!
Mixed fear & excitement!
Excruciating shame!!
Painful emotions!!!
_








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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

◇





​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​
Is this 'destined' to be part of my path??
That I have to accept this mental & emotional disturbance as a real part that's been occupying my brain & wont be able to get rid off?!?!!!

_FINE!! I DO AM A CURIOUS PERSON, I go towards anything that's promising a mystery but that DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO BE FRANK BLACK!!!
_









◆​
Seriously I wont be able to talk with anyone anything related to this again in a cheery tone.

◆​
And now.. I'm really not normal, am I?








​
At least I can't be anymore.


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_AND I'M REALLY-TRULY. *NOT*. INVITED!!!!!
While even that Frank Black did!!!_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Love 'em.. hate 'em??_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

***
_So this is my 1000th post!
Something about 'surrendering' to who I am..
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Meanwhile, a gem to treasure..*

_yessss... some more looking glasses are shattered!!!_








​
_"there's ME and there's everyone else." _

_NO. it's NOT like that. _
got it. what a joke! :lol:haha:haha

♢​
and I'm really getting the hang of the color pencils + being/focusing in the *present!*
yeah my crews you rock!!!

♢​
and there, ironically I feel even _CLOSER_ to my ideals.. like this love obsession no. 1 :heart:grin2:
unlike when I focused on the black hole of chasing the 'perfect' future.










***​
_and I hope my future hubby is a chef (or just loves to cook). because CAAAAAAAAKES!! and PIIIIIEES!! and soup and goulash and éclairs and donuts and chocolates and.... 
:laugh:_















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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

Strange.. I can feel both: being trapped-in-blue-clouds one and the state of crystal clear equanimity!

_But still there's this puzzle no. 1 shackling me.. and it *DOES* have a reason why it's called *NO. 1*!!_​







​​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*AND SO 4,5 STABS MORE IN TOTAL!!!!*

The former 2 were _*UNFORGIVABLE ENOUGH!*_ But then the next one turned out to be penetratingly-deep-rooted, perhaps the *VERY root* of all these!!

So apparently the wolves _already KNEW_ how to defend me even before I could conjure a word of self-expression!!!! And the hurt was *INDEED* *100% VALID* that they fiercely reacted AT ONCE & have stayed with me until now still *DEVOTEDLY EVER PROTECTING!!!! *

God they're right again, *this explains everything!!!*

Something I _knew_ already maybe back when I was 5 years old or even back to 2 years old until the moment of conception:

_'love' _= _being *TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF*_
= _being USED_
= _*DISRESPECT* 1,000,000,000~X!!!!!!!_

That's why I avoided him when we were kids - I *HATED* the way he (and many others!) looked at me!
That's why at that one particular moment I *EXPLODED* in front of everyone deliberately DEEP-STAB CONFRONT another people leaving no prisoners!!!
That's why I've been reacting extremely badly countering the effect of my own magnet!!
That's why I've stabbed countless even before realizing what I was doing - *CAN'T* let them make the first move!!

_THE OFFENSE AND EMPTINESS WERE UNBEARABLE!!!!!_

And on the other one is the *DOCTRINE(S)* forced & my *inner* *ICONOCLAST'S* natural RESISTANCE towards it!!!



Prince Adrian said:


> _
> _- *DOCTRINE*_ -
> _*[*CODE: *I N T R U D E R . A L E R T]*_
> _My instincts were RIGHT. Again!!​


_SPEAK FOR YOURSELF BVSTVRDS!!!! YOU THINK EVERYONE HAS THE SAME NEEDS??!?!! THEN I WOULD 100% AGAINST THAT SO-CALLED "NEEDS"/WAY OF LIFE YOU'VE PREACHED!!!! AND AS IF YOU ACTUALLY 'KNOW' IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT CONSISTS OF ONLY HOLY-BOOK'S CODES, THEORIES, FORCED OPINIONS, FORCED ONE'S PERSONALITY ONTO OTHERS, REFRAMINGS & *JUSTIFICATIONS* NOT GENUINE SOURCE OF LIFE!!!!!!!_

Add these more to the *DISTURBANCES* that's poisoning me already!!!!

And now I SEE . . this _have made my GROWTH fatally STALLED!! _While he (and the others including the UNDESERVING CRETINS!!) has moved forward!!!

EXTREMELY . *UN*FAIR !



















*You think a quiet philosopher girl can't get all MAD & RAMPAGE?!?!! 
THINK AGAIN!!!*​
But at the same time this has SUPPRESSED my INNOCENCE!! AND THE EVER TREASURED EVER HAPPY EVER EXPRESSIVE CHILDLIKE SPIRIT!!! How I LOST my ability to LAUGH & PLAY with *AUTHENTIC STRENGTH & POWER* as the base!!! 

Because since then,

_'play'_ = _being *taken advantage of*_
= _potentially being *RIDICULED*_
= _attracting *JERKS* & *RATS*!!!!!_

*Can't play anymore now, that diamond lantern was stolen, and another GIANT WALL OF THORNS now getting in my way!!!*

_REALLY CAN'T FORGIVE THE WORLD NOW.
CAN'T . FORGIVE .

 WONT . FORGIVE ._
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_NOT INVITED. 
I've REALLY *NEVER *BEEN INVITED!!!!

ATTACK.
_​​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

*Ode to the Survivalist*














Mononoke Hime
-Joe Hisaishi-

_The trembling bowstring of a drawn bow
Pounding in the moonlight, your heart

The beauty of a sharpened blade
Thy profile looks very much like that sword point. [1]
Lurking in the sadness and anger
The only ones who know your true heart are the forest spirits
Only the spirits, only the spirits... [2]









_
_ Because this is who I am now.. and always will be.
_​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_Or "LOVE"?_
​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_LIARS. LIES. EVERYTHING!!!!!
You only want THINGS from the other party, 
you only *WANT THINGS* from me!!!!
_ ​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

​


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## Prince Adrian (Sep 11, 2014)

_( Two opposing energies I thought already best friends for a long-*long* time are going to clash.. HARD.. )









_​


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