# My friends are making me miserable



## heathergw (Feb 24, 2017)

So to preface - I'm a college senior, and it's been very difficult for me to make lasting friendships while here, but I have been very lucky to make a small handful. I have 3 close friends and a few medium-close friend-ish people, so I consider that a win against my SA.

BUT they seriously drive me insane.
One of my closest friends, who I live with, is perfect. She gives me alone time (she needs hers, as well) and I never feel judged around her. That's fine.

The other two make me want to die sometimes. Quite honestly. 

M is so possissive and controlling. She's constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY, asking me to hang out, but it never seems to be enough. I could hang out with her on Wednesday night and by Friday morning she's complaining about how she "never sees me." And whenever I do hang out with her (which usually manifests in me going to her place to watch a show and eat or drink in part because I can't STAND having people in my house), she gets really whiny whenever I get up to leave. Like, actually BEGS me to stay another 10 minutes, another 20, until she's asking me to sleep over, which I basically physically can't do. I hate sleeping anywhere but my own bed. Just the idea of that drives me up the wall with anxiety, and I've told her that, and she acts all understanding because SHE has generalized anxiety (but no social anxiety), but then she STILL ASKS ME. 

On top of that, she's just really verbally aggressive all the time. She's constantly calling me out and pointing out dumb stuff I do/say. It feels impossible to have a normal conversation with her sometimes. It's just CONSTANT UNENDING SASS and I literally can't deal with that. I don't know if other socially anxious folks feel this way, but aggressively sassy people seriously set me on edge. It makes me freakin' miserable.

The worst part is though that when we're around groups of people it seems to be her FAVORITE thing ever to drag me out into the center of attention. She constantly puts me under the spotlight and tells people embarrassing stories about me and just basically leaves me there to drown.

She does all this KNOWING. I. HAVE. SOCIAL. ANXIETY. DISORDER. And I remind her constantly and even tell her specific things she does that set me off and she's like "you know I'd never intentionally hurt you" but she can't seem to change her behavior.

It's getting to a point where I don't want to be her friend anymore. I'm not prone to panic attacks usually, but it's gotten to the point where I've had multiple panic attacks right in front of her because of stuff she's pulled.

My other friend J is like a slightly less horrible version of M, but it's getting worse so I don't have a lot of hope.

What can I do to get them to understand? Both of them have mentall illnesses, but they never seem to fully believe me about mine.

I'm so miserable. I get nauseated just being around them. I cry all the time. Am I being unreasonable? Am I the only person triggered by really socially aggressive and/or overly sassy people?

Thanks for reading. Didn't proofread and I wrote this pretty upset so there are probably typos, my bad!


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## Anopki (Feb 24, 2017)

Nope you aren't the only one who feels this way! In fact, I created this account at 5 in the morning because most of my friends make me feel this way. I cry about it all the time too. I'm a college junior and I've kind of just put up with friends like this (that is, friends who are overly aggressive and sassy, and super invalidating of my SA because "I have anxiety too and you don't see me constantly flaking out like YOU, you FLAKE! You're the WORST type of person!" It's as if everything else I do for them doesn't count because I left early or canceled last minute a few times because of nervousness or exhaustion. And I've been trying so hard for the past few months to improve this about myself. Even explaining myself gets me nowhere with them cause they react very emotionally and see it as me being malicious or not caring. They're also overly critical like your friend and just love to point out how much they hate my clothes, or how insecure I am or how embarrassing I act in public (if I'm just trying to have fun and be goofy...) 

It's hurtful, getting to the point of being insufferable, really, and I want to cut ties with everyone and find people who can be patient (or at least a tiny tiny bit more forgiving of me being this way.) 

I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do about your friends. It's a lot of pressure that they probably don't realize they're putting on you because they might not understand how you feel at all, no matter how empathetic they claim to be or how much they say they understand. Plus as girls we are kind of taught that those aggressive, sassy types of friends are good for us because they are "more real" for calling us out, but I don't think that is the case if they can't be compassionate and forgiving when you try to explain yourself to them. 

Hope it makes you feel better to know you aren't the only one! Your post definitely made me feel less bad


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## TreeOfWolf (Oct 17, 2016)

Anopki
I'm the type of person that feel devastated when people flake on me. I had a friend that saw me as an option instead of a priority and dumped me all alone when her favorite friends were available, instead to ask me if it was okay to invite them too... They even do it on my birthday... It really hurts... It's great for you that you put your needs above others, I need to learn that... better self care... but then you can't claim to be caring for others if you aren't reliable and trustworthy... You can make a compromise to invite them to your place and watch a movie instead if you are exhausted... But if you are scared... scared of what? Being rejected and hurt? So you do it to them? That makes you the wrong one when they actually try to be good friends. Maybe make plans less often if you are exhausted... warn that you're not sure... explain that you are exhausted so they won't make it personal... But I'm bed ridden, I understand that people will find that boring and will move on if I can't go anywhere... I can't have fun party people because I'm a sad angry person that hate loud crowded places... Maybe you found the wrong type of friends if you can't stand seeing them... But someone constantly flaking on me would worsen my SA. It makes people feel rejected and insecure. If you give them a good reason to be hurt, if your flaw end up causing them pain, then you can't blame them for being hurt and not wanting more of that...

__________________________________________

heathergw
She sounds emotionally dependent. Scared to be alone, Sucking on your life force. I've been like that at some point. Magnesium deficiency symptoms includes extremes loneliness... Because serotonin is created in the gut with magnesium, that's why chocolate and feeling in love can be similar... Love ends up the stimulant, like coffee when you're exhausted and need more B vitamins... She needs to take care of herself. It's called being codependent... It's bad for both people... It's not cooperating and helping each other, it's literally sucking the life out of someone instead to live your own... both lose their souls. It,s not social anxiety to dread this, it's self preservation. She humiliates you because she feels unworthy and think that if she crushes you under her boot, you won't be able to leave her for better options, thinking that you don't deserve any.

I thought of telling you to put your limits, telling her that you need to take care of yourself, and can only see her one or two day a week... that maybe she needs a boyfriend and you can't be that for her (even lovers would suffocate and run, even I did and I thought that it was what I wanted)... But the truth is... I don't think she'll ever appreciate what you can give, because what she needs is self care and independence and no one can replace that... she needs to find her own strength instead to try to make others powerless with arrogant insults... She's not respecting you, your needs or your limits...

RUN. PERIOD.

People with social anxiety, or anything lowering self esteem... We tend to think that we should be more social, that something is wrong with us, that we shouldn't be picky, welcome anybody, in the name of goodness and love... But there are some very wicked monsters out there. Humans DO have predators: other humans! We enslaved others, mutilated each other for fun and power... Look at what the christian church did... medieval torture devices, killing women as "witches"... It's still legal in some countries to give the death penalty for refusing to mindlessly believe illogical religious gibberish... To refuse to surrender our mind to their authority... Slavery still exist... human trafficking... as sex slaves... or steal their organs instead to take care of their own properly... It's a ****ed up world. We're told that if we feel anxious about being used by others like mindless sheep in the herd, then there's something wrong with us... But in fact... we basically woke up from the matrix... and our survival instinct is begging us to not jump back in the fire.

Once we allow ourselves to get rid of the narcissist abusive people that want to use us as tools... unfair deals of taking wile you give everything until you drop sick and dead... There will be less anxiety if you allow yourself to defend yourself when you need to.

And right now you need to.

Don't cry, don't fear. There are worse things than being alone. Explain to her that you have needs to and that she must take care of her own if it will help you find closure... But she wants a slave... to kick around... and suck the life out of... she doesn't want to stop because that's what she wants... and she'll mock you to even mention that you have feelings and needs...

So become busy... she doesn't even deserve an explanation. I gave one, I even explained to the friend why I can't be her friend anymore... because she mocked my feelings... because she hurt me... I gave her the information needed for her to become a better friend for me, to have a fairer deal... or to avoid losing her friends next time because I couldn't take it anymore... and she went to all the friends in my friend list, told them bad things about me... and my best friend didn't ask me wtf... he thanked her... he wanted to be good to everyone, welcome everyone... so he welcomed my enemy and helped her destroy his own friend!!! She made death threats, harassed me, destroyed my friendships... stole them... Tried to win over me... saw friendship as a game, her friends as opponents to crush to get what she wants, enemies, not allies... She wanted to punish me for putting my limits, refusing her abuse... when all I did was explain her how I felt and walked away... She wanted to kill what she thought was hers, her slave... And we weren't even close!!! We spoke rarely... yet she acted like a jealous girlfriend... How she reacted to rejection, after she rejected my request for more respect... made it clear how much she has none for anyone... not even herself... because someone with dignity wouldn't act like this...

So you aren't defective, or crazy, or even SA... you are being ATTACKED, ABUSED... and all you have to do to make it stop is avoid, ignore, forget~

Because it's YOUR life. And if you don't feel good with someone, it's not being defective, they're simply no good for you. Even if you're wrong, even if it's just fear... they're no good because they are unable to win your trust.

If you don't want a codependent relationship... than you are healthier than you thought... because many people would gladly become slaves instead to be alone, many people would cling to that opportunity... many people think that nothing is ever good enough, in what others give, and in themselves... But you do... you had enough... you want more respect than that. You want it to stop. And you clearly can't stop her because she refuse to stop... So embrace your introvert-ness... and enjoy being alone nurturing yourself... until someone more balanced and respectful comes along... no matter how long it takes... it's better than letting someone destroy your self esteem and make you cry.

But if you'd rather that than be alone... you can't just get the positive and avoid the negative or dump them on someone else's shoulder or deny the damage that the abuse DOES to you.

I'd rather suffer alone from my own stupidity than from the stupidity of others too... I want someone who'll be better than me and will show me how to blossom into a better person... You can't build a relationship with someone who wants to destroy you... you'll never get anything from someone who only want to take...

Yes, it's sad, yes it hurts to mourn even the things that are bad for us...

But that's life. Save yours from bad people. Have a nice day~


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## ManInAShed (Dec 19, 2016)

Oh man been there done that with those types of people. Get away from them fast and find some real friends who will appreciate you for who you are. You don't owe your friend anything, friendships are supposed to be nourishing, you shouldn't be feeling down and out from a friend, that's not a friend.


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