# Are First-Time Relationships Doomed To Fail?



## That Random Guy (Jan 31, 2015)

Hello,

A rather serious subject, I suppose, but I started to ask myself this after watching this video on YouTube about love.

After watching it, I started to worry and question if my first relationship is doomed to fail. I feel like you hear about those couples who eloped in High-School or College and stayed together but I feel like that's just something you hear. I never hear what happens afterwards or what they wind up doing.

I realize I'm not a child but I'm willing to admit that I'm not mature enough on the emotional side of things. I'm just too inexperienced when it comes to many things. Ignorant, too. :?

I typically don't walk into things without knowing I have some leverage. I don't like taking risks for things that have too much impact.

Tl;DR:
The video linked to above makes me concerned that when I finally do decide to take that risk with someone, I won't know what to feel or consider. I'm frightened I'll be misunderstanding my own feelings-which would be unfair to my partner.

*What do you all think? Do the considerations mentioned in the video still apply to relationships today (e.g. similar interests, similar values, similar financial motives)? What have you experienced?*

The reason this is bugging me is because it seems rather inappropriate to walk into something like a relationship knowing it will fail. This is from my perspective of not having been in a romantic relationship ever. I feel as though I can distinguish between attraction/lust and proper affection for someone but I'm worried if I don't truly understand how it all blends together. :afr

*P.S.* - I am not turned away by the fact that any relationship may fail for any number of reasons but rather that my particular first will default to nothing simply because I'm inexperienced.

EDIT:
I am not at all referring to polygamy in this post nor am I of that particular type to dwell in that kind of lifestyle. I will dedicate myself to ONE (singular) person as things should be. That is, I will not be that type to "fool around" with different people during the same interval whilst using them for simple gain. I'm old-fashioned, folks. Let that sink in.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

???? you're going to die one day and everything you ever did or cared about will be gone


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Probably in most cases but when I was in highschool there was this couple that I think got together in year 8 of school, possibly year 7 (year 8 is 12-13 years old btw,) they stayed together for the entirety of high school (we all left at 16 because my school didn't have a sixth form,) they were together still in sixth form I believe because I remember someone I know talking about them occasionally, and at some point when in uni I found one of them on Facebook, probably when I was like 20 or so and they were still together then. I have no idea if they're still together.


----------



## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

*Are MOST relationships doomed to fail?

The answer is yes. 

It's not guaranteed though and still worth trying. I mean you could crash your car every time you drive or choke on your food every time you eat, too. Best to just go into it hoping for the best and prepared for the worst. 

My first real relationship lasted 3 1/2 years. Haven't made it that long since. Current one is just coming up on two years.

Even if your first does fail you can't look at it like it's going to amount to nothing. If nothing else it's a learning experience. Also there's good times and experiences to be had spent with someone you care about.


----------



## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Pretty much, but you learn, and they prepare you for the next relationship if there is one. And if you learn good, it ups your chances of next relationship lasting longer. Eventually, you may end up in a relationship where one of you dies before the relationship ends, thus an alternate ending for a breakup.


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

It might sound a bit strange but you just have to throw yourself into it and not think about any of that stuff at all.

My sister was telling me the other day that 2 people that were in my class at school actually got married and are still together. In my case that's a _really_ long time ago. Apparently she has quite serious mental health issues but they've managed to work things out - I think that's really wonderful, although it's a long way from my own experience.

My first real "relationship" was when I was 17 with a girl a fair bit older than me from Hong Kong - it lasted about 3 months and then she went back there. It sounds terrible but I can't actually remember what she looked like - not exactly. I had far more meaningful relationships after that - so it's lucky that first one ended.

I'm a very different type of person to you - I've never had a problem with risk. Quite the opposite unfortunately. Sometimes you just have to take a chance - otherwise you'll never do anything. (no offence)


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

fail implies you have specific goals - in that case you fail to meet your goals. change your goals to be more open. why would your goal be for the relationship to go on forever, even if it becomes a bad relationship? your first relationship might end if you are unhappy or they are unhappy, why do you want someone to stay unhappy? the whole point of ending relationships is to avoid that. that's why you don't need to be afraid, because if it sucks you can bail.


----------



## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

Most of the people I know who are in relationships are each others first.

Without the jealousy, comparisons, and heartbreak of past relationships, it is easier.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

So only marriages that last until one person kicks the bucket are considered a success?


----------



## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Even if they're low odds, first relationships certainly have better odds than any other numberth relationship.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/160128-this-is-how-many-people-are-still-with-their-first-love suggests up to 25% work out long term (though it's not clear what age the surveyed people were).



komorikun said:


> So only marriages that last until one person kicks the bucket are considered a success?


The secret is to marry a terminally ill person. Always successful!


----------



## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I think it comes down to the attitude(s) of the people involved. If one or both people have it set in their mind that their first relationship is just 'practice', well then the likelihood of it failing is obviously going to increase. 

However, that's not the reason something fails. It's always things like maturity levels, lack of trust, understanding, shared values, general faith and willingness to work on things (nothing is ever perfect) and compatibility in various areas that lead to collapse. Often a simple absence of any one of these things can lead to the absence of others and compound into undoing.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> *Are MOST relationships doomed to fail?
> 
> The answer is yes.
> 
> ...


Here's an interesting question based on your experience.

How was your confidence/personality in each case? It's a complex question, but the point is how did it shape you?


----------



## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> Here's an interesting question based on your experience.
> 
> How was your confidence/personality in each case? It's a complex question, but the point is how did it shape you?


Well, in my earlier ones I'd say I had very little confidence. Didn't have the experience to know I'd be alright when they were over and because of that I was too clingy and needy. Felt like the end of the world when they were over, too.

A couple years ago I dated an ex again that I'd dated several times over the years and she said I seemed way more confident than from years before that. I'm sure part of that is I'm just doing better in life than I was in my 20's. Have a lot more to feel good about now. I've also been told in recent relationships I'm emotionally distant. I guess experience has taught me not to trust anyone and keep people at a distance. At least to the women I've dated coming off needy or clingy was a huge turnoff, so maybe it's part of that, too.

How did it all shape me? I guess I'm more cynical now and better at dealing with breakups. I mean I'm not going to stop trying. It would be nice to end up with someone permanently. I'm mostly indifferent to marriage and would never consider having children, but I like having someone to enjoy life with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> Well, in my earlier ones I'd say I had very little confidence. Didn't have the experience to know I'd be alright when they were over and because of that I was too clingy and needy. Felt like the end of the world when they were over, too.
> 
> A couple years ago I dated an ex again that I'd dated several times over the years and she said I seemed way more confident than from years before that. I'm sure part of that is I'm just doing better in life than I was in my 20's. Have a lot more to feel good about now. I've also been told in recent relationships I'm emotionally distant. I guess experience has taught me not to trust anyone and keep people at a distance. At least to the women I've dated coming off needy or clingy was a huge turnoff, so maybe it's part of that, too.
> 
> ...


Another question (I would probably see the same thing, but since I am not dating, it's a hypothesis for me anyway).......does being more confident change what you look for in a relationship?


----------



## Repix (Jan 14, 2016)

If you don't give a damn about your girlfriend or the other way around.. then yes.. (hopefully)

They shouldn't be, no.


----------



## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> Another question (I would probably see the same thing, but since I am not dating, it's a hypothesis for me anyway).......does being more confident change what you look for in a relationship?


No, not really that I can think of. For me anyway, but what I'm looking for probably isn't like what most normal people are looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

It depends on two people since relationships go both ways. If for instance, the other person doesn't see it going far for any number of reasons, then it obviously won't go far. I think first relationships where you have no doubts about who this person is and if they make you happy, it'll tend to last longer and you're not as jaded or whatever. Being that you're looking for long term, it would be wise to state that in the beginning so you can be on the same page when both of you are on the subject of long-term or not.


----------



## Shadowweaver (Apr 26, 2013)

My parents hadn't had any relationships before meeting, and they were happily married for ~30 years afterwards.


----------



## That Random Guy (Jan 31, 2015)

*Thanks*

@andy1984 @Wrongwolfe

I appreciate the feedback. I think the thing that puts me off is kind of like it being dishonest. It's not like I want to force something that simply won't work-I accept that it can fail (or whatever word you'd like here) for any reason. My concern is coming off as though I have ulterior motives or don't genuinely want the relationship to do well (when I do!). It's almost like a kind of guilt/pressure since I'm not experienced or knowledgeable on what seems to be basic things.
@JH1983 @Rains @harrison @lily @Post_Punk_Proclivity @coeur_brise

Thanks-I think I'm just overthinking things. I understand if things don't work out, they just don't. There's nothing wrong with that. It just saddens me a bit when I think my first relationship "has to fail". It almost suggests that I'm simply using the other person to level up and such-which I don't like the sound of. When I do something like that, I want to make sure I do things right.

I guess we'll see how things turn out.


----------



## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

It really depends, personality compatibility and how serious both parties are on the relationship. Although I recalled from surveys that... a person on "average" typically go through about 3-4 relationships before finding the significant other they will married.


----------



## That Random Guy (Jan 31, 2015)

*!*



lily said:


> Why do you think your first relationship has to fail when there are other people who are successful in their first relationship?


I suppose I'm not exactly explaining myself correctly.

My main concern was not being fair to the person I wind up with the first time. The things I've referenced as of late give the impression that it's necessary to have more than one romantic experience (for growth?). When I think of it like that, it makes me feel as though my first relationship won't work out simply because of that.

The chances are endless no matter what relationship, that much I get. It just feels a bit sour to walk into something with a preconceived notion that it simply won't work no matter what I do.

To me, it feels as though the idea is to use the other person to simply advance one's self which I don't find appropriate. That is not to say that I find the idea of partners working well together or helping each other is bad, but rather that in this one instance, the sole incentive for being with this someone is to only seek gain (which I don't like).

I like equal footing. I guess my worrying is just irrational but I suppose in the end, this all just has to do with taking the risk and accepting the outcomes regardless (from both sides).


----------



## 3stacks (Sep 27, 2014)

Everything is doomed to fail


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

That Random Guy said:


> I suppose I'm not exactly explaining myself correctly.
> 
> My main concern was not being fair to the person I wind up with the first time. The things I've referenced as of late give the impression that it's necessary to have more than one romantic experience (for growth?). When I think of it like that, it makes me feel as though my first relationship won't work out simply because of that.
> 
> ...


you cant make other people's decisions for them - that's taking away their choice. everyone knows theres risk, etc. let them decide for themselves. that is what is fair. everyone has different goals and feelings, you shouldn't pretend to know what they are.


----------



## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Wrongwolfe said:


> If you're not forcing it, have good intentions, and you're being honest with yourself and with them, then don't worry about it. *There's nothing to be guilty for *since you've done nothing wrong. Everyone feels pressure to make a relationship work and people make mistakes in relationships despite having experience from previous ones. Learn from your mistakes and be/do better. If it ends think of it as a learning experience in the right direction.


If you put an earnest effort into the relationship, in all its aspects, don't cheat, try your best in bed and out of bed, remain honest, speak up if you are dissatisfied about anything...then if the other person decides something else...your conscience should be clear.


----------



## lily (Nov 9, 2018)

lily said:


> Well to be fair, you should make your intentions clear to the other person. If they're like you then you don't have to be guilty. If they're not like you then you SHOULD feel guilty.


Actually I'm a Christian so it's a one life partner unless they're unfaithful so I don't want to teach the wrong teaching. My earlier message was a worldly view without God's guidance.



Shadowweaver said:


> My parents hadn't had any relationships before meeting, and they were happily married for ~30 years afterwards.


----------



## That Random Guy (Jan 31, 2015)

*!*



lily said:


> Well to be fair, you should make your intentions clear to the other person. If they're like you then you don't have to be guilty. If they're not like you then you SHOULD feel guilty.


To be clear, I am not referring to polygamy. I would only ever dedicate myself to one person as I find that the right way to do things. I don't know whether or not it's appropriate to disclose my inexperience or not but I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I agree, however, that it is imperative I communicate my intentions with the perspective partner of interest-which I suppose is the point of confessions.


----------



## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Most relationships fail.


----------

