# Managed to send an assertive email



## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Developing assertiveness skills is a current goal of mine. Though so far I've really been struggling with this because I'm very prone to feeling guilt or embarrasment whenever an occasion comes up that demands the need. Or on the odd occasion, find strong feelings of defensive anger also get in the way of this. 

On this occasion, the need to bring up what someone has neglected to do - and has on quite a few previous occasions though it's part of their job to ensure this is done on time each month - came up. I had the choice between choosing to stay quiet and not make a fuss about it (which I was strongly tempted to do but at the same time knew this wouldn't resolve the problem) or else contact them via email and point the problem out - at risk of the other person finding this petty/irritating. What made it especially hard is that this is a person who I find really nice to deal with and usually very helpful. Since yesterday morning I've been struggling to make up my mind as to what to do for the best. Because I found the decision as to whether or not to bring up what I wanted to so hard to make!

Still, after spending some time thinking on this, It occurred to me that this is a big reason as to why I've not reached my full potential in previous jobs. Because I would find it so hard to assert myself with other people, this negatively impacted upon my work performance because of interfering with how effectively I communicated. So really choosing to continue to the old supposedly safe non assertive ways of behaving with people is doing me no favours at all - as to have any decent chance of ever doing well in any job in the future I really need to tackle this fear of changing. So in the end decided to run through a few tips in an assertiveness self help book, used them to put together the email and haven't long sent it. I still feel a bit guilty. And concerned that I might have irritated the person. But at the same time feeling now that I did the right thing. If I'd just left it, I'd have gotten angry with myself for not even trying and felt like a coward. Fingers crossed, hopefully the response will be better than I think!


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## eejm (Jan 22, 2010)

Good for you, Black Widow!  I also struggle with assertiveness and consequently feel like it's tough to get "noticed" in a job and in other situations as well. As women, I think we're steered toward being accommodating and sweet all the time so that we feel unbelievably guilty when we try to be assertive. And you did it! Did you get any response yet?


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Many thanks for your response eejm, much appreciated!  It's good to be reminded I'm not the only one who goes through this kind of thing. And I totally agree with what you said. I think women do tend to be steered in that way during their upbringing - or at least that this happens pretty often. In my case, I think my mistake has been assuming that non assertiveness is the same thing as being polite/nice over the years. And it wasn't until I started noticing this regularly started causing me problems at work that it first struck me this was a problem. 

So far though, no I've not yet received a reply. :shock This has already started to get me uncomfortable, as as far as I remember whenever I've emailed her before she's usually replied to me by the next day. So I'm now worried this is a sign me raising what she's neglected to do has annoyed her! Even though I spent a good while preparing my message so that it wouldn't come across in the wrong way before I sent it. Still, it could have been she's just been too busy to yet see my email. Hopefully I'll hear from her in the next day or two! If I do, will be sure to update this thread!


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## RockIt (Jan 8, 2011)

Don't feel guilty. You have dealt with the situation in a most appropriate manner. Using email makes it very easy to show a history on someone should the need arise.

I'm proud of you. You are making great strides in your dealings with this. Good job!


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Yes, it's a horrible habit to be so accomodating to everyone else. I have been "compliant" most of my life and it really sucks because when we worry so much about not hurting other people's feelings to the point of bending over backwards, i think the only one we end up hurting is ourselves. Does that make sense? I also try to remind myself that others do not go out of their way to make ME happy, so why should I go out of mine? It IS hard to try to be "not so nice". I try my best tho, lol.

I think there is never any time where being your genuine self, or expressing genuine feelings/thoughts is wrong (unless you are a serial killer or something  )


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

RockIt said:


> Don't feel guilty. You have dealt with the situation in a most appropriate manner. Using email makes it very easy to show a history on someone should the need arise.
> 
> I'm proud of you. You are making great strides in your dealings with this. Good job!


Thanks RockIt. Much appreciated. This is what the logical part of my brain has been telling me. That I've done nothing wrong. But then I still keep feeling guilty anyway! I guess it's just habit. And once I've been lucky enough to experience some positive consequences out of being assertive - this'll sink in more!



Pam said:


> Yes, it's a horrible habit to be so accomodating to everyone else. I have been "compliant" most of my life and it really sucks because when we worry so much about not hurting other people's feelings to the point of bending over backwards, i think the only one we end up hurting is ourselves. Does that make sense?


Hi there Pam.  Many thanks for your reply too. Thinking what you said there makes total sense! Because in general I'm so non assertive, it means at work I often find it near impossible to do things such as interrupting others when I urgently need to ask them a question (especially if they're senior, or else I find them less than pleasant to deal with), raise an issue of concern about my workload with an appropriate person at an early stage (before it develops into a major problem), saying no to task requests at times it's necessary, or else - as in this case - highlight something somebody else has neglected to do. These things really negatively impact on my work effectiveness. Also it doesn't help that I'm also not good at dealing with critiscm myself. I get easily upset by it, and sometimes go into aggressive mode without meaning to as a defence mechanism thing. This makes having to make less than positive comments on an aspect of someone else's performance even harder for me, as I imagine they'll be feeling inside like I do in those situations - which leads to even more guilt! I know these are all very bad habits. And that as well as these things being unhelpful/plus most likely annoying to other people - they actually don't do me any favours either. I really need to start working hard at changing them.



Pam said:


> I also try to remind myself that others do not go out of their way to make ME happy, so why should I go out of mine? It IS hard to try to be "not so nice". I try my best tho, lol.
> 
> I think there is never any time where being your genuine self, or expressing genuine feelings/thoughts is wrong (unless you are a serial killer or something  )


I think there is alot of truth in that!


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Got an email response back fairly late this afternoon. The lady I contacted was fine! Very apologetic, explained the information hasn't been sent out on time due to a system problem but that she's getting on to it, and forwarded me a copy of the document I needed. So I guess it was worth me saying what I did. Phew! So relieved!


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## RockIt (Jan 8, 2011)

Perfect! Nice to see a good outcome. All that worry for nothing.


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Thanks RockIt! Yup, this time most definitely was! It's kind of annoying in one sense, but good in another lol!


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Yes, I'm glad to hear that she reacted in an appropriate way too, and that you are relieved. 

I thought the person you wrote to wouldn't get mad or anything. I didn't think you did anything out of the norm, and I wanted to say don't worry about it the other day, but we never really know how people are going to respond. Maybe now you can at least say "CHANCES ARE that the other person won't react in a negative way to me being assertive." 

I kind of assume from your story that you are extra sensitive. I know I am. I try to remind myself that other people aren't as sensitive, so they won't be offended by something that I might be hurt by in the same situation. But then again, I know half the time I'm offended, I really shouldn't be. 

I also don't take criticism well at all. Not at all...I avoid almost all situations where that could happen.


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## VC132 (Sep 1, 2010)

Black_Widow said:


> Developing assertiveness skills is a current goal of mine.


hey, me too!

and well done on the email 8)


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Pam said:


> Yes, I'm glad to hear that she reacted in an appropriate way too, and that you are relieved.
> 
> I thought the person you wrote to wouldn't get mad or anything. I didn't think you did anything out of the norm, and I wanted to say don't worry about it the other day, but we never really know how people are going to respond. Maybe now you can at least say "CHANCES ARE that the other person won't react in a negative way to me being assertive."
> 
> ...


Hi again Pam, many thanks again for your thoughts. Highly appreciated!
And your assumption there is dead on. That is definitely the case with me. I know exactly what you mean on feeling over sensitive to the comments of others, including criticism. I also find it very hard to deal with. In my case I don't think it helps that in the past I have had the odd occasion when I've tried assertiveness techniques on family members, and all that's happened on those occasions is that their aggression increased and I wasn't able to handle it well - which didn't do my already low confidence any favours. I worry alot that the same thing will happen in other situations too. Which had alot to do with why I was so worried this person would react badly. But this experience has been a good reminder that not everybody is the same, and has now got me thinking along the lines of "this proves assertiveness does work and is worth using at least some of the time," rather than thinking "this just isn't going to do me any good." I'm definitely going to keep on practicing!

Also many thanks VC132! Wishing you luck with achieving your goal too!


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## kerosene (Oct 26, 2010)

Wow good job and good result.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

Good for you!


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## Haven (Jan 8, 2011)

Congratulations! Being assertive is so difficult. It's much too easy for us SA people to just let others walk all over us and keep our frustrations bottled up inside. It sounds like you put a lot of thought and care into your e-mail, so hopefully it will be well received. And now you've proved that although you may be quiet, you aren't some pushover who will let others get away with being lazy on the job. Go, you!


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## Black_Widow (May 23, 2008)

Thanks for the positive thoughts again everyone, highly appreciated!


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

Haha, you wrote a 'very nasty letter'...


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