# bad first session



## buggy (Mar 8, 2006)

Hey all,

I'm normally not so much of a typer or sharer in public, but this has been messing with me for 2 days now and I can't get rid or it or deal with it even with meditating so I'm jsut going to type it out and hope that it helps

I've had my first session with a therapist thursday and it felt horrible. I was really really anxious beforehand, and during the session I didn't feel more at ease but it just got worse. 

Basically, I tried my very hard to be open but I didn't feel at all the therapist was listening to me. She kept on hammering about my limitations (I had prior diagnose of personality disorder) and giving advice and talknig herself. She was talking most of the conversation, like 75% and I feel I couldn't get a word in. And I don't mind other people talking if it wasn't for the fact that whatever I did say didn't seem to land and she seemed to stick with her own vision of what I was instead of what I was telling her.

The last therapist I tried to contact didn't go well as well so now I'm feeling like something is seriously wrong with me because 2 people in a row I reached out for help and it's not working. I thought therapy would be at least a place where I could feel at easy and share stuff but if it's like the last time I don't see that happening. Worst is now I feel totally **** now all the time and all the progress I made on my own feels like nothing cuz I can't even talk with a therapist who I thought would help me.

Sorry if this is a mess. This is messing with me I don't even feel like I can articulate my thoughts right. If you read this thank you. It's just such a let down I really thought this was going to help me but I feel worse than ever and like I made a mistake even trying this now :crying:


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Keep looking, I would never see a therapist I didn't feel comfortable with....just wouldn't work.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Unfortunately even therapists arent superhuman. I find that though my therapist is very knowledgeable in pschology, the mind, and mental disorders, he still cant quite understand me due to the lack of first hand experience with social anxiety(etc).


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

buggy said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I'm normally not so much of a typer or sharer in public, but this has been messing with me for 2 days now and I can't get rid or it or deal with it even with meditating so I'm jsut going to type it out and hope that it helps
> 
> ...


Get a new one.

They're a dime a dozen. It's no point wasting your time on someone that won't even let you speak. My problems is always the opposite to yours - they never can get a word in. My last one was good and tried - he's the best I've ever seen , and I can't even remember a lot of them.


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## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

buggy said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I'm normally not so much of a typer or sharer in public, but this has been messing with me for 2 days now and I can't get rid or it or deal with it even with meditating so I'm jsut going to type it out and hope that it helps
> 
> ...


Well first off therapy sucks. What I mean is that no1 likes being reminded of their problems. Secondly, therapists all have different methods to how they work, so make sure you are going to the right one. The way to check is to call them up beforehand and ask if they have experience with the disorder you have. Anyways, in therapy you will need to listen, a lot of it is work. The therapist is probably telling you what you need to do in order to get better and so that means you have to listen. Obviously ask questions if you need to, and voice your concerns, but that is about it. In the end the only person who can help you is you, and i think that is why you feel so sh1tty atm, because you, just like all of us, want something that can just take the pain away easily and not put pressure on yourself, but that isn't how it works. Once you actually force yourself to do whatever it is that scares you then you will start to see that you hold the power over your life and you won't be as scared anymore. It takes time though, no1 said getting better is easy, but it is worth it.


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## buggy (Mar 8, 2006)

naes said:


> Well first off therapy sucks. What I mean is that no1 likes being reminded of their problems. Secondly, therapists all have different methods to how they work, so make sure you are going to the right one. The way to check is to call them up beforehand and ask if they have experience with the disorder you have. Anyways, in therapy you will need to listen, a lot of it is work. The therapist is probably telling you what you need to do in order to get better and so that means you have to listen. Obviously ask questions if you need to, and voice your concerns, but that is about it. In the end the only person who can help you is you, and i think that is why you feel so sh1tty atm, because you, just like all of us, want something that can just take the pain away easily and not put pressure on yourself, but that isn't how it works. Once you actually force yourself to do whatever it is that scares you then you will start to see that you hold the power over your life and you won't be as scared anymore. It takes time though, no1 said getting better is easy, but it is worth it.


That is a good point. But her mere presence is making me feel like ****. I feel like she's overly judging me, looking at me like a lost cause, treating me like a little kid (kept hammering on about the diagnosis) & not really caring about what I have to say. I can deal with the bad feeling if it helps me but with her I don't know if she's even remotely itnerested in really being on my side and considering my point of view. I had jsut hoped for someone who understood me remotely but she's a completely opposite person


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## KrazyEvilMonkey (May 4, 2017)

buggy said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I'm normally not so much of a typer or sharer in public, but this has been messing with me for 2 days now and I can't get rid or it or deal with it even with meditating so I'm jsut going to type it out and hope that it helps
> 
> ...


From my opinion maybe you felt like she was dominating the session by not allowing you to voice some of your concerns. You shouldn't feel bad, SA makes people reanalyze what went wrong and causes additional distress. I'm no specialist at this but maybe you should use what you know about yourself and use that as a guide for progress. Try analyzing your concerns and how you think you can gradually work on them one thing at a time. I hope that helps you or your therapist.


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## naes (Nov 1, 2013)

buggy said:


> That is a good point. But her mere presence is making me feel like ****. I feel like she's overly judging me, looking at me like a lost cause, treating me like a little kid (kept hammering on about the diagnosis) & not really caring about what I have to say. I can deal with the bad feeling if it helps me but with her I don't know if she's even remotely itnerested in really being on my side and considering my point of view. I had jsut hoped for someone who understood me remotely but she's a completely opposite person


Don't go to her anymore then. Not every therapist is going to be good. Just like in any profession there is going to be people who are sh1tty at their job.


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## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

buggy said:


> The last therapist I tried to contact didn't go well as well so now I'm feeling like something is seriously wrong with me because 2 people in a row I reached out for help and it's not working. I thought therapy would be at least a place where I could feel at easy and share stuff but if it's like the last time I don't see that happening. Worst is now I feel totally **** now all the time and all the progress I made on my own feels like nothing cuz I can't even talk with a therapist who I thought would help me.


It doesn't sound like it's you that needs to learn to speak but them who need to learn how to listen.

Unfortunately I've found most therapists to be ideologues, more interested in pushing their theories onto you than actually trying to understand you as an individual. That said, there are plenty of people who find it invaluable so clearly there are good ones, I wouldn't get too disheartened.

Remember, therapy should be a place for honesty, if you feel you aren't being listened to, tell them, you can do it in a non aggressive way (I understand that you might be anxious to do so of course, but it's still true).


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Find a new therapist, keep trying new ones until you find a good one.


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## buggy (Mar 8, 2006)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going there again thursday and will try & tell her my thoughts and that I feel completely anxious around her. I'm not sure how to handle it or if she will get mad or anything but I don't think it's going to work like this either way. Hoping she will respond well because I've been feeling like **** all week and don't wanna walk away thursday feeling terrible like last time :frown2: wish me luck!

*---------------------------------------------------------------*

:edit: this thread is too old so I can;t reply to it anymore! But I still wanted to share what happened also because other ppl might be reading this and/or going to the same thing.

First, thanks for the support all. Hearing other people have same problems and how they dealt with them helped a lot.

I confronted my therapist and contrary to all my expectations, it actually turned out pretty well. I thought she was going to hate me or be disgusted or I don't know (weird thinking about this in retrospect but I guess that's how the unconscious mind has expectations about stuff sometimes) but she was respectful to my thoughts and we talked about what was going on. Felt a bit surreal actually voicing my concerns and having a conversation about it but it worked out. After talking about it we both agreed that it'd be better I'd be referred elsewhere, also mainly because I still felt incredibly anxious around her so that wasn't a good sign. I've since been getting therapy with a new older dude who I don't feel anxious with so that was an improvement. I'm really glad I did talk mention my issues in retrospect, even though it was scary as heck it turned out much better than I expected (SA in a nutshell I suppose hahaha).


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## LonelyLurker (Sep 24, 2016)

buggy said:


> Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going there again thursday and will try & tell her my thoughts and that I feel completely anxious around her. I'm not sure how to handle it or if she will get mad or anything but I don't think it's going to work like this either way. Hoping she will respond well because I've been feeling like **** all week and don't wanna walk away thursday feeling terrible like last time :frown2: wish me luck!


Good luck.

Therapy is a place to be selfish, the whole point is to help you. Even if she does get upset, she should realise that the session isn't for her, it's for you.

Hope it goes well for you.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Sounds like it'll be good practice to assertively interrupt her, tell her that you don't find her current style helpful for you and don't feel like she's listening, and describe what you'd like her to do differently. Not easy, but it is safe, she won't react badly because she has to do her job and you're her client.


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## Rainyfall (May 17, 2016)

buggy said:


> Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm going there again thursday and will try & tell her my thoughts and that I feel completely anxious around her. I'm not sure how to handle it or if she will get mad or anything but I don't think it's going to work like this either way. Hoping she will respond well because I've been feeling like **** all week and don't wanna walk away thursday feeling terrible like last time :frown2: wish me luck!


It's pretty common to have a hard time finding a good therapist. I've confronted therapists before on communication issues between the therapist and me, and it usually goes well. One of the things I do to prepare is write down notes of what I want to say in a notebook and bring it with me, it makes me feel more confident and assertive, and keeps me from wimping out, also if I forget or have trouble with getting started and saying what I need to say I can look at it and spit it out. Confronting a therapist with these issues you have with them is always intimidating but it can be the most healing because it can open up communication. But ultimately if it's their style you don't like, it just may not work anyway. If they suck at what they do, then no matter how much you try it just won't make them suck any less. I can totally relate to having therapists never let me get a word in, I had one that would talk 90% of the time. The problem was that when she did let me talk I was so thrown by sitting there in quiet mode for sometimes 20 minutes straight that I couldn't say much at all.

Therapists don't get mad, well they are not supposed to over these things, if they are good at what they do. It is completely normal to have difficulty finding a good therapist you feel comfortable with, as there seems to be a real lack of good therapists out there, there are however a lot of average to poor therapists that don't take their job seriously.

I wish you lots of luck tomorrow!


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## MNM (Oct 3, 2012)

Sorry it didn't go well. I got lucky this time and hit it off right away and have a great one. 

I'd keep looking, if your not happy with your therapist, then its not gonna help you much long term


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Of the therapists I've seen (about 5), I never felt truly comfortable with any. I liked 2 of them, but they still didn't leave much of an impact on me. The last one I had was probably the worst. I don't even know where to start...

She didn't seem to listen to me or take anything I say much on board. Her empathy seemed to peter out as the sessions wore on. I got the distinct impression she wasn't warming to me, nor me to her. She didn't seem very capable of delivering sophisticated counter arguments for the issues I was raising. She was preoccupied with giving me lifestyle advice and rehashing the same topics, but only skimmed the surface of topics that I raised and I never got an opportunity to delve into them. She did most of the talking and interrupted me quite often. She also smirked sometimes, which I found puzzling. Did she find some of the stuff I said funny? I'll never know. Overall, I started to feel hopeless, disconnected, like the sessions were futile, and I started developing feelings of hatred towards her. I also started to feel triggered, because her lack of genuine concern for me, or willingness to understand what I was saying or what was troubling me, made me feel like, I was inherently unlikable as a person, which is you know... what my SA is all about. I eventually cancelled one of our sessions and never returned. It was a huge relief. 

So basically, you know yourself, and if you're getting increasingly uncomfortable or upset by the sessions, and you don't find yourself developing trust towards your therapist, then they're obviously not doing you any good. It's also true that many people need to go therapist shopping, before they find one who is sort of gets them.


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## dragonfruit (Dec 11, 2015)

I understand how you feel. My previous therapist I really felt relaxed and open also their sessions were an hour. The therapist would write pages of notes. I couldn't return to that therapist as the therapist retired. 

My current therapist seems more focused on getting paid, only gives me 20 mins to 30 mins per session. This therapist only writes a paragraph sums it up. Doesn't really allow me to speak about what is going on with my mind, what has happened to me in the past and keeps telling me to focus and giving me tools on how to "better" myself without letting me talk about the sources of where my SA started or what triggers it. 

80% of my sessions I have left angry and frustrated. Then there is a few sessions where it feels like "Yes the therapist is listening to me." Only to go back and it is the same old sessions. I wish I could see another therapist but this one is the only one I can see in my suburb. 

I agree with the others if you can be able to do it shop for a new therapist. Look for one that will really listen to you and give you proper advice.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

My experience with therapists:

1. University, she sat there in silence and after 5 minutes said "what are you hiding from me?" and then proceeded to tell me all my OCD stuff should be ruminated over :lol, made things 10x worse
2. University, nice enough woman, just talking to someone for an hour a week though, didn't help
3. Old lady recommended by my GP as "very good". She decided my OCD was due to my diet (without knowing what my diet was like). Only 1 session there
4. Young woman, nice enough, just talking to someone for an hour a week, didn't help
5. Secondary care (supposedly good) CBT therapist, of the "just say it as it is variety", didn't help, unsympathetic, bit of a dick.
6. IAPT 6 session CBT (useless)
7. IAPT 12 session "intensive CBT" nice therapist, liked her, no effect though
8. IAPT therapist, hated her, afterwards rang up and asked for the same therapist in 7. again (her underling as it happened lol)
9. IAPT 12-18 session CBT (same as 7) no effect
10. Secondary care _psychologist_, _massive_ positive impact. (making huge improvements on my issues).

Point being, I had to wade through a pile of absolute **** to find a good therapist. They are not the same. My current therapist I was a little reluctant about first few sessions, but I have never ever come out of their feeling like **** (unless I went in feeling like ****), I have never felt not listened to, or judged, the overwhelming experience after therapy has been an improvement in mood and a desire to do exposure stuff and get better. My only concern is that the therapy will run out (NHS) before I get my issues dealt with.

I should add, a lot of the reason why therapy in 10 has worked so well so far has been because I was in a place to cooperate and really give it a go. I went with it and tried, because I felt it was my last chance. I turned off my skeptical confrontational side and gave it a proper go. I have also been prepared (though, no doubt as a result of the therapy) to accept some uncomfortable truths about myself.

I think the main difference though is probably because of the diagnosis of AvPD which makes a big difference to how the therapy should be done (assuming the therapist is skilled enough to alter their approach). The other therapists were basically square pegs in round holes, kinda deals.


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