# Ambivalent Love Addict/Emotional Anorexia



## jugador409 (Nov 29, 2003)

I was searching for information on sex addiction and came across this description of ALA/emotional anorexia which in part seems to describe me, especially the saboteur section. I was glad to see that there's a description of my behavior. The problem now is to figure out how to fix this. 

Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALAs suffer) from avoidant personality disorder—or what SLAA calls emotional anorexia. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs come in different forms too. They are listed below.

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torch bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. 

Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever.

Seductive Withholders are ALAs who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened, or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection—anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders. 

Romance Addicts are ALA who are addicted to multiple partners. Unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners—to one degree or another— even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By “romance” I mean sexual passion and pseudo emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner. Often romance addicts are confused with sex addicts.

A Note about ALAs: Not all avoidants are love addicts. If you accept your fear of intimacy and social situations, and do not get hooked on unavailable people, or just keep your social circle small and unthreatening you are not necessarily an ALA. But if you eat your heart out over some unavailable person year after year, or sabotage one relationship after another, or have serial romantic affairs, or only feel close when you are with another avoidant, you may be an Ambivalent Love Addict.


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

*Typical Kinds of Love Addicts*

I am happy to have this information online, but you should give me credit form this information.

Susan Peabody, "Typical Kinds of Love Addicts," in http://brightertomorrow.net/writings.html

Susan Peabody is the author of Addiction to Love, The Art of Changing, Recovery Workbook and Where Love Abides.

The link in the next post down is incorrect. The message board for love addicts is . . .

http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/

Cut and paste if you need to. This is an anonymous online support group for love addicts.


----------



## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

^Wow, this is so me. I followed your link and came across the Love Addicts Anonymous site / forum, which looks great - http://laarecovery.proboards.com.

And you had this post there about Attachment Hunger with some more links - http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveintro&action=display&thread=6761



> Emotional Hunger vs Love
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200902/emotional-hunger-vs-love
> 
> *Emotional hunger is not love. It is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood.* It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness. This emptiness is related to the pain of aloneness and separateness and can never realistically be fully satisfied in an adult relationship. Yet people refuse to bear their pain and to face the futility of gratifying these primitive needs and dependency. They deny the fact of their own ultimate death and do everything in their power to create an illusion that they are connected to other persons.
> ...


That is totally my experience as a child. And I know I get overly attached to people in the same way - it always drives them away.


----------



## shygirl86 (May 17, 2007)

This is interesting stuff, i never knew about any of this. I wonder how common it is? I think i might have one of these, but then i think i have everything . Thanks for posting this .


----------



## Ncaditya (Nov 5, 2012)

*Victim*

I am suffering from ala (saboteur) from the past 7 yrs i suppose.
I have been attracted to many girls...all girls were either just flirts or had a committed relationship/married...i chase them...flirt with them...fantasize them....then tell Them that i like them....they all perceive it as a sexual advancement or a casual approach...this is the very moment when i sabotage things...i try to kill my already deep feelings (too early developed...like in 3 months)....
The girls dont dislike me and want to be in touch or may even want a relationship but i would have already developed fear...hatred...some stupid conscience....i just cant go ahead...may even abuse them to be away...stop interacting...avoid any form of intimacy....turn to sex/fantasies to get rid of her...but still fantasizing her...heart broken...cry...still try to get back...write emotional messages to her....but yet cant face her...its crazy and extremely painful...
Done quite a bit of research...had childhood problems...infidelity and unemployment of my dad...loyalty and struggles of my mother...deep fear of repeating what my dad did...

Need help fellas...affecting my career...although many consider me sharp and focused....i lose all my confidence....


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

Susan Peabody, "Typical Kinds of Love Addicts," in http://brightertomorrow.net/writings.html

Susan Peabody is the author of _Addiction to Love._[/QUOTE]

The link for the message board has changed. We have over 3,000 members now helping each other recovery from love addiction, love avoidance, and avoidance.

http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

*New URL*



LostPancake said:


> ^Wow, this is so me. I followed your link and came across the Love Addicts Anonymous site / forum, which looks great - http://laarecovery.proboards.com.
> 
> And you had this post there about Attachment Hunger with some more links - http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveintro&action=display&thread=6761
> 
> That is totally my experience as a child. And I know I get overly attached to people in the same way - it always drives them away.


The link for the message board has changed.

http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

*Message Board for Ambivalent Love Addicts*

New URL

http://loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

After I had a nervous breakdown in 1982 I reached out for help. I was ashamed of my love addiction and was told to become a teacher and help others to feel better about myself. I started a support group. Then I started teaching. Then I took a leap of faith and wrote a book so I could help people long distance. I am now a proud "wounded healer" and my books are my offerings to those of you who need guidance. I am grateful for all my blessings and want only to share them with you.


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)




----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)




----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

The secret . . .


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)

My name is Susan Peabody and I am a writer and counselor. My goal is to help people feel better about themselves and about life. I specialize in the treatment of love addiction, but I am also a life coach. This site is a resource for those who want to learn more about love and relationships. I have also included some other inspirational writings to help you on your spiritual journey.

Poets have no right to picture love as blind; its blindfold must be removed so that it can have the use of eyes.. (Pascal as quoted in _Addiction to Love_)​ ​ http://www.brightertomorrow.net/​ ​ ​


----------



## Susanpeabody (Jun 1, 2010)




----------

