# Advice from someone who overcame social anxiety years ago



## Triumphant21 (Dec 19, 2018)

Hi, I'm Triumphant21 and 8 years ago I got rid of social anxiety. I know I'm not a licensed psychologist but having lived through the experience of social anxiety I think I can help and offer good advice on how to overcome it.

My life with social anxiety: I would always wonder _"what would they think of me?"_, _"what if I'm doing the wrong thing and they would all laugh"_ and always assume the worst no matter how irrational it was. At my lowest, I wanted to kill myself but I didn't do it because that would have made my family sad.
My life without social anxiety: I still care what others think of me _(and I will explain why I think this is reasonable)_ but only to the point of having a good general image, I also care about being myself _(not pretending or trying to seem different to impress people)_ and about how I treat other people too. I have friends, a girlfriend, career goals and I think that life it's worth living once you see the good side of it.

Why do I say that it is reasonable to care what other think but only to the point of having a good general image? Because the advice to always be yourself doesn't take into account the practicality of needing to censor yourself. What other people think of us has consequences, not what everyone thinks of us has consequences, but: if my boss thinks I'm lazy he will fire me, so I'd rather not look lazy at least while he is around; if I'm being a jerk to people they wouldn't want to be around me anymore, nobody likes jerks; if the moderators here think I broke the rules they will ban me, so I rather won't; and so on.

Just be yourself. This is great advice, but is it? What if your friend has poor eating habits and talks about themselves endlessly? Surely the best advice to them if they are going on a new date is not to be themselves? Don't eat with your mouth open and don't talk about yourself all night, is what you really want to say! You need to strike a balance between being yourself and being appropiate. And you be appropiate you need to be aware how other people are feeling and how your actions would make them feel.

This is one of the main dams with social anxiety: Because you are always thinking _"what would they think of me?"_, _"what if I did something wrong?"_, _"what if I said something wrong?"_ you are completly focusing on yourself and ignoring the people around you. Where as, if you care about how you treat other people too, you are more likely to make yourself likeable because you are paying attention to them. When you exclusively think _"what will they say of me?"_ you only think about yourself. Not how you influence others with your behaviour, and the way you treat others has more of an influence on how they will treat you in return. If you google _"how to make yourself more likeable"_ you'll find that all the advices are focused on other people: listen first, then speak; be interested, not interesting; ask questions about the other person; be open-minded; look for shared interests. When I had social anxiety somebody said "I can't make friends because I don't have enough likeablity" and this really hurt, I didn't want to believe that because I considered myself a person with no likeablity, but it turns out he was right, and that likeability is a factor, a factor that can be learned.

According to a study the top 3 things that determines you success in life are: IQ, likeability and willpower. Of course, we all see success differently, my favourite definition of success is this one: "He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction."

But, just because you are trying to make yourself more likeable to be liked by others (which is a good thing) it doesn't mean you should sacrifice yourself or your own needs to be liked by others (which is a bad thing), strive for win-win situations, not win-lose situations. This is where "be yourself" comes in, the good part of be yourself - do not brag or pretend you're different to impress people. If you don't want to go at a certain place then don't go, if you don't like a certain product then say you don't like, if you have an opinion about something as long as it's not too heated or controversial you can state it, etc. In a way to be yourself is to be aware of your own needs.

The fear of disapproval or rejection is a sign that you're controlled by the opinions of others. Nobody likes disapproval or rejection, but everyone, including people without social anxiety face disapproval or rejection at some point. What do they do about it? nothing. They get over it and keep trying. Nobody liked your joke? it's okay. Nobody answered to the question you asked? again, not a big deal. You wanted to go out with someone and he said no? again, it's okay. You will find someone else to hang out with. People without social anxiety don't have lives fundamentally different from the ones with social anxiety, where everybody loves and praises them, they just don't make a big deal/catastrophe about social rejection. Because they know that rejection in one place or from a single person is not an universal rejection.

The desire to get the approval of other people is a legitimate need in your life, you just don't need it to dominate your life. In the same way the desire for food is a legitimate need in your life, you just don't need it to dominate your life. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please your family or wanting to be liked and approved by friends or neighbors. You need that amount of approval, if you don't care at all about pleasing people you're selfish. But, you cannot be worried about what everybody else wants you to be and focus on what you want to be at the same time. In what areas of your life are you doing what you know it's wrong in order to win the approval or avoid the rejection of other people?

Trying to please everyone causes us to wear masks, we become chameleons, we adapt to our enviroment and few things are as draining as trying to figure out which mask you are trying to wear in front of which people in which context. When we wear masks we fake it, we pretend, we don't reveal our authentic selves, our true selves. Be congruent inside and outside regardless of what context you're in, not full of duplicity.

But what if you won't be liked for being yourself? You will be liked by the people who value you and care about you. In fact, by pretending you won't be liked, because even if they do like you they won't like the real you. Being yourself doesn't mean you should stop trying to improve yourself, if you want to become a better person in an area of your life by all means, do it, but do it for yourself.

When you have a fear of dissaproval, conflict, rejection or are overly worried what other people think you leave the door open for bad people to take advantage of you. Be yourself, whoever likes you great, whoever doesn't like you also great. Remember this: Nobody can please everybody, some people are unpleaseable, in life people are going to dissaprove of you, accept it, you cannot please everyone, if everybody likes you it means you stand for nothing, you have no convictions.

Sometimes you have to play the social role, this means to be polite when talking to an old man, to be formal when making an official request, to smile and not have a cheerless attitude when going to a job interview, that will cast a bad impression on you, if you don't feel like it then this requires "to not be yourself" and do what is expected of you for a limited amount of time.

What about likeability? There's a middle-ground. There are ways to become a more likeable and respected person without having to sacrifice who you really are. There's a way to be self-aware and authentic. The two aren't as mutually exclusive, being likeable is a change in how we connect with other people, not a change in who we are.

I hope these advices are useful or at least that they managed to boost your morale a bit. As I said, I'm no licensed psychologist, all I have is my reason and my past experience, and I could be wrong, but I think I'm right about them since I'm in the position of someone without social anxiety.

Getting rid of social anxiety doesn't mean you will never experience anxiety in your life again. It's a basic human condition, it's like food, if you manage to lose weight it doesn't mean you won't feel hungry again, only that you will never be fat again. Normal people have anxiety when they met new people, when they do things for the first time, even when they have to call and order a pizza. But they don't let that fear stop them, they do it anyway. According to Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test from this website my score is: 21(fear) + 7(avoidance) = 28. You do not suffer from social anxiety. Social anxiety starts at 55.

How I got cured? with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from the Social Anxiety Institute website. Just google _"cognitive behavioral therapy social anxiety institute"_. :wink2:


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## Ms kim (May 15, 2017)

Well said.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

CBT _has _been shown to be effective in treating SAD, but no more effective than other therapies. It's just the most widely used because it's been approved by insurance companies.

When you feel like a freak, the only thing that helps are drugs and alcohol: things that make you not care.


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## nosystemd (Dec 14, 2018)

Maslow said:


> When you feel like a freak, the only thing that helps are drugs and alcohol


that is a truly surreal comment from anybody with the name "maslow." im certainly going to picture that thing differently from now on.


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## Triumphant21 (Dec 19, 2018)

Maslow said:


> CBT _has _been shown to be effective in treating SAD, but no more effective than other therapies. It's just the most widely used because it's been approved by insurance companies.
> 
> When you feel like a freak, the only thing that helps are drugs and alcohol: things that make you not care.


To not care is not a solution, as I said:


> I still care what others think of me (and I will explain why I think this is reasonable) but only to the point of having a good general image, I also care about being myself (not pretending or trying to seem different to impress people) and about how I treat other people too.


And this


> Why do I say that it is reasonable to care what other think but only to the point of having a good general image? Because the advice to always be yourself doesn't take into account the practicality of needing to censor yourself. What other people think of us has consequences, not what everyone thinks of us has consequences


And this


> You need to strike a balance between being yourself and being appropiate. And to be appropiate you need to be aware how other people are feeling and how your actions would make them feel.


And this


> just because you are trying to make yourself more likeable to be liked by others (which is a good thing) it doesn't mean you should sacrifice yourself or your own needs to be liked by others (which is a bad thing), strive for win-win situations, not win-lose situations. (...) If you don't want to go at a certain place then don't go, if you don't like a certain product then say you don't like, if you have an opinion about something as long as it's not too heated or controversial you can state it, etc.


We all care what other people think, people without social anxiety included. The difference is that people without social anxiety care in a rational way, without making fear-based unfounded assumptions. Listen to the message fear gives you but don't let it rule you.
That's why people don't always present their true selves when you first meet them, that's why people will only be more open after you get to know them, that's why people present different sides of themselves to different people, because people generally care what other people think.


> Normal people have anxiety when they met new people, when they do things for the first time, even when they have to call and order a pizza. But they don't let that fear stop them, they do it anyway.


TL;DR - You should be appropiate and polite but you don't have to be liked by everyone and people who like you should like the real you. Being aware of the perceptions of others is not something bad or wrong.

You are right on point with _"when you feel like a freak"_, the key word is _"feel"_, are you a freak, or you only feel like a freak? You could be wrong in your assumptions, you know? You can explore questions like these on Quora: there's a question _"People say that I am a freak. I don't see myself like that but now I am confused. I feel like a reject. What should I do?"_

I particullary like the following answer:


> Why do you need others to see you a particular way in order to feel worthy?
> Why does this depend on other people at all?
> What is it that others can provide which you cannot provide for yourself?
> 
> ...


And another question from Quora linked to the previous one: "What is a true self according to Les Matheson?"


> Identity -> Conformity -> Ideal Self
> 
> My identity -- my beliefs about who I am, really.
> Ideal Self -- The person I "should" be.
> ...


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

being at home such a miserable thing! callous

empty, gutless! feeling exactly like all my extended months in hospital!

boost when getting home for sure

nothing ahead.

occupation + holiday, please

how strange a combo how humans exist to fulfil their denial to let me strike up a job

too much of that creates a deep defence hate for those humans. any removal of their block of me makes them, me and all other humans all happy! 0 :grin2:

my Christmas with mother & daughter psychologists. the dad too. missing friend(family) who bound us together. OK. realising those ladies cannot resolute my life's calling... i am not ill in any way, a psychiatrist said, once. forsaken.. what's the way out? time the mindkiller. must upkeep occupation 24/7!!! how?? why some time without perpetual employment destroys a person? i never chose that. takes two. eager. why not allowed?

function should not be socially limited.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*inappropriate*

Phone & TV from remote places! >

watching some foreign place.. India... feeling a bit Thai before checking the title
brightest colours
however sunny, tropical..? eg. Gladiator movie.. Rome..?

false... any way to show by camera while not being there... must be considered carefully, any belief in how true, edited..! today's electronic ways to present live video in our homes. exotic? safari? trains across the world.

nigh mezzanine holiday at home! night times... broad daylight.. palaces...

presenter sitting there with newspaper with brek in hotel... if we can't afford to go there? what's all this for? equivalent in any cheap cafe in hometown... kebabs... wall pictures of foreign images of exotic gardens... encouraging travel?

scary. never alone.

when employment offered, enough resources to travel, investigate, venture.

who is TV aimed at? Those poor?

introduced to places and things unknown! camera the devil?

palm trees.

clothing, foods.. society... if you see... why go?

purpose of attracting revenue?

Music! classic Haunting!! such a foreign place! small children watch this?

Indian countryside... worlds of glimmering city nightscape... ?

ummm... definitely apres Xmas TV pulling strings! any old movies... 
orchestra.. violins ouch!

those unemployed, forced to live in false projected fantasy

how old? right now live news, or B&W movies? sepia of 1800s? Agatha Christie for millenniums? old brown Morecambe & Wise.. '70s..?

i guess maybe the evil phone is more current modern? or edited recorded outgoing message?

how important to get away from home to see upfront?


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## CloudChaser (Nov 7, 2013)

Yes that's right! You too can CURE your anxiety, grow your hair back and always cum last for just one easy non-refundable payment.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

CloudChaser said:


> Yes that's right! You too can CURE your anxiety, grow your hair back and always cum last for just one easy non-refundable payment.


That would be a bargain if it worked. :yes


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## Chily Anderson (Jan 9, 2019)

Oh wow nice.


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## tehuti88 (Jun 19, 2005)

OP--how many years did you suffer from social anxiety disorder (or if you prefer/don't mind sharing such info, from what age to what age)?

Were you professionally diagnosed?

What severity would you have rated your SA? Like how avoidant were you, were you able to work, socialize, go through a checkout, answer the phone, etc.?

Did you have any family/friends/significant others/therapists helping you? A support network?

Any comorbid disorders?

Thanks.


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## Triumphant21 (Dec 19, 2018)

tehuti88 said:


> OP--how many years did you suffer from social anxiety disorder (or if you prefer/don't mind sharing such info, from what age to what age)?
> 
> Were you professionally diagnosed?
> 
> ...


I don't remember exactly, 2 or 3 years. I wasn't professionally diagnosed but I went to a psychologist, a bad one who hardly helped. Eventually I learned from the internet that I have social anxiety, I had all the symptoms, avoidance, fear, fear of what other people think, fear that I will be or look weird fear of not knowing how to react and so on.

And I would catastrophize everything. If someone would say something bad to me, and I wouldn't know how to react, I would be soft and let it go or make myself small, instead of standing up for myself and defend myself or at least justify myself diplomatically, I thought that would be the end for me, that nobody would like me anymore and people would not want to talk to me anymore because I would be a weirdo.

The reality was far from what was going on in my head, if I would be soft and let it go or make myself small, sure some people would take advantage of me and see me as weak, but others would see it as a quality, the quality of being nice and good. What stopped me was the fear inside my head, rather than the reality outside my world, even if the fear was inside my head I could have done the thing I was afraid in spite of the fear and go out there and talk to people until I would have gotten so many reality-checks that I would have changed my beliefs.

And in fact, that's what I did. Not directly or instantly, but there was this product called _"Deep Inner Games"_ by David Deangelo, it was mostly about dating but I wasn't interested about dating, it was about your psychology, how to master your own psychology so that you can achieve the best ressults in life. I was a bit afraid but I did it, I took it, listened to it, and watched it. There were many aspects of your life: anger, solving your problems, etc. And there was a section dedicated to anxiety where you will understand what anxiety is all about, also how to deal with it. The short answer is: courage.

I came accros this product, _"Deep Inner Games"_ by David Deangelo, while reading online about people who overcame social anxiety. There was someone who said that he also had social anxiety and watched _"Deep Inner Games"_ by David Deangelo and his anxiety got away after that. Not instantly, but in time he started to apply what was described in those videos and he started to feel better and live a more fulfilling life. So I took it, and it turned out it worked, it turns out _"Deep Inner Games"_ by David Deangelo teaches you how to think.

Being years, I don't remember it as much as I used to, but here's in short what I remember about it. In short because reading this is not the equivalent of watching the videos, you have to watch the videos to get a better perspective:

There are 4 parts of psycholgoy:
- Personal boundry (Makes you strong)
- Decision making power (Gives you more freedom; wiser decisions means more freedom society bestows to you to make even bigger decisions; rise in leadership ability)
- Intelect/Ideas (the way you arrange ideas and manage time gets you to your goals efficently)
- Emotional energy (mastering emotional energy & self-esteem gets you to happiness)

The goal of life is to reach durable fulfillment, durable fulfillment can be reached with:
- Happiness (Happiness is self-esteem\self-respect)
- Success (Reaching a goal)
- Freedom (Decision making power)

Learning curve in life:
- Lack of strength (durableness)
- Lack of freedom (feeling trapped)
- Failure
- Happiness or unhappiness

The anatomy of a problem:
Emotional -> Leads to hurt (takes the form of anger) or loss (takes the form of anxiety) -> Leads to stress -> Leads to Problems -> Hurts yourself.
Decision based -> Lack of conscience or lack of intuition -> Leads to feeling trapped -> Leads to problems -> Hurts yourself.
Intellectual -> Lack of education or lack of experience -> Leads to failure and rejection -> Leads to problems -> Hurts yourself.

Define your personal boundry:
- Control (Things within your personal boundry of control)
- Suffering (Things outside your personal boundry of control; don't burn energy on things you do not control)
- How strong is your personal boundry (what is your identity? what are your preferences?)
* Patch holes in your personal boundry first before patching holes in other's boundaries.
* Avoid narcissism (as it leads you to complete self-obsession)
* Avoid perfectionism (As it is a hole within your boundry for an image of yourself showcasing you have reached every milestone without putting any effort)

Types of fallible boundaries:
- Thin skinned (not being able to differenciate between the good and the bad)
- Thick skinned (not willing to exchange any views due to preconcieved notions or personal trauma)

Mature boundary:
- A boundary with doors (make sure the handle is on the inside, not on the outside)
- The doors are controlled by your decision power.
- Every decision you make is either constructive or destructive.

What is stress:
- Stress ressults from either a hurt or a loss situation (it's a negative emotional energy).
- A strong personal bountry twarts off any negative emotional energy.
- Do not burn energy on the past or future.
- We all get the same amout of time, but it's our energy which is our most valueable resource.

What is trauma:
- Trauma is a negative energy which penetrated your personal boundry in spite of you saying no to it.
- If hurts get in it takes the form of anger, if loss gets in it takes the form of anxiety.
- The various negative energies are now your wounds.

Types of cure for trauma:
- Biological cure by medicine.
- Psychological cure by education or therapy.
- Stress cured by you making a decision relating to the stress.

Anger map:
Anger -> Decision
* No decision (passive) -> Depression (sadness) 
* Destructive decision (aggressive) -> Hurt -> anger
* Constructive decision (assertiveness) -> Needs not met (low on well-being) -> anger.
* Constructive decision (assertiveness) -> Fill up your well-being -> anger goes away.
- Aggression does not equal anger, it's a win-lose situation, it dumps anger on someone else's boundry. It's immature and childish as it fails to respect other people's boundry.
- The cyrcle of violence creates a negative momentum in your life. Aggression leads to hurt, which leads to anger, which eventually leads to a destructive decision causing a loop. This cycle is simply an anger generator, it's a quick fix.
- Assertiveness is a way to get your needs met, it's independent of other people, it doesn't hurt other people, it's patient, disciplined and mature, it is delayed gradification rather than a quick fix, your well-being improves where as your anger and depression decreases.
- You have to do the constructive decision (assertiveness) over and over again until it works.

Anxiety map:
Anxiety -> Decision
* No decision (passive) -> Impulsiveness (acting without thinking first; fight or flee)
* Destructive decision (masochism/victim thinking) -> Loss (threatened/immaginary) -> anxiety
* Constructive decision (courage) -> Low on confidence -> anxiety.
* Constructive decision (courage) -> Fill up your confidence -> anxiety goes away.
- Masochism leads to poor-me attitude, worrying too much about the future, regretting the past, hopelessness or helplessness is a mental deficit which is never logically true for an adult.
- Courage is doing the right thing, it is guided by your conscience and intuition, just before the moment of real courage you are completly alone, nobody can do courage but you, the moment after displaying courage you become a leader, everybody wants to join in helping you.
- You have to do the constructive decision (courage) over and over again until it works.

Habbits:
- Constructive habbits lead to a more mature and sound individual.
- Destructive habbits give us short-term relief (in the long term you tend to lose; example: immediate gradification, not recognising others or respecting them, poor conscience and intuition)
- Conscience looks at the inner motives of an individual
- Intuition looks at various enviroment motives
- All in all both look whether the outcomes are being constructive or destructive.

And there's more.

After that I started doing CBT, cognitive behaviorial therapy, which also helped, and I got cured.


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## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

I really like that you constantly quote; "Deep Inner Games" by David Deangelo. You really have good product placement. lol.


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