# Fear of ever having children



## tigerfox

I hope that my posting this doesn't hurt or offend anyone who feels differently about having children as this is not my intent.

I am 30 and have always imagined at some stage between 30 and 36 I would have children but as I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and other disorders for the last 16 years I have become increasingly fearful of the idea that I could be responsible for little people who would depend on me for everything.

My mother killed herself when I was three as a result of post-natal depression and a general lack of support or understanding back then. I think this is also something I am really afraid of happening, I mean it's one thing to take your life but it's another to abandon your children by default. It certainly messed up both mine and my dad's life to the point I haven't seen/spoken to him or anyone I am related to for almost 10 years.

Both my parents were/are very messed up mentally with chronic depression, anxiety and mental abuse issues. My father transferred everything onto me and I imagine that I would fall into the same trap if I were to ever have children. Even if I tried to break the cycle.

The idea that I would never have a family because of this is another reason why the future seems pointless but no matter how I feel about myself I would hate to put other innocent people through the same abuses and mess up their lives. If I can barely speak to people because of anxiety then how do I expect to be responsible for children? I remember my dad's depression and emotional abuse and it destroyed me more than I was aware at the time. As a result i am still trying to rebuild my life many years later and have had to cut all contact from everyone in my family to try to move on.

I'd like to think I could have children at some point but I simply can't imagine it working.

Has anyone ever felt this way? Is it possible not to transfer all this stuff?


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## Boomstick

Yes it's very possible not to transfer all this stuff. I'm a single father of 2 great kids and suffer(ed) from severe anxiety. How I hid this from my children I do not know but I've managed for the last 7 years to be(in other peoples words) an amazing father.
There has been very hard times like school events,parents evenings, were I have tried my daned hardest to avoid going because of my SA but I've always bit the bullet and went.
I'm lucky that I'm on new medication now and everything is just like water off a ducks back to me but I have had hard moments in the past but hid it very well from my children. They haven't suffered in anyway because of my condition.
Hope that makes some kind of sense I'm a tad rough after watching England play last night ha.


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## BlueScreen

Yeah, I think I wouldnt want to bring a child into the world that had the same conditions (Bipolar, SA) as me, because I know how the world would look and judge them. Perhaps the same way my father and now I have been judged.
I'm not saying pass me a handkerchief, but I have observed the world is not a very fair place.


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## tigerfox

Boomstick - It sounds as though you're doing a great job! It makes me feel more positive to hear that it's possible not to pass things on, even with massive challenges. 

My only doubt comes from looking at some of my relationship history where I have been know to take on some of my dad's worst traits and inflict these on whoever is brave enough to care about me. Only when it has been pointed out to me do I become aware of it and I feel really bad afterwards/try to change but it seems to persist.

I'm holding on to the idea that as time goes on, i'll become less scared and less anxious. I would need to be much less anxious and much less afraid though!


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## purplekicks

Hi. I can relate to your post. I'm 32 years old and I have anxiety and depression as well. I just wanted to say that as a woman we have choices and we have the power to decide what is the best thing for us. If you are on the fence about having children it is fine. Just knowing you are thinking is very admirable of you.

Let me tell you, even people who don't have depression and anxiety or any disorder find it a difficult decision whether or not to have kids. Everyone is different and I'm sure every case as well. Even though we are sufferers in the long run it is important to be aware and knowledgeable about oneself, most especially if you want to become a parent. It seems like you are on the road to knowing yourself and working on it. You seem like a responsible person. That is very important.

I feel like people don't think about their mental, financial, and well-being, until after its too late and a child is on the way. I think in general we all are nervous and afraid to bring another human being into this world. Some more than others. And for what ever reason it may be. Pat yourself on the back for realizing and being aware that you are thinking ahead, before you make one of the biggest decisions ever!

I think you will eventually know what is the right path for you be it now or later. I wish you the best!


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## harrison

*Hi from Australia.*

Hi - well I 'm another one like my friend boomstick above. I have an 18 year old son and I think I'm a very good Dad too. ( He tells me I am, and *he trusts me* - that's how I really know.) I was worried about passing on this SA as soon as my wife was pregnant - she is also anxious, but not to a level which is as debilitating as I am. In the past, especially when my son was very young, I was taking a medication that really did help ( Xanax) - I knew I was addicted to it, and I didn't really care - it enabled me to go to the parents nights and other stuff, that I would have found extremely difficult otherwise.

I would never try to tell someone else what to do - especially not someone that has been through what you have. But I can tell you that it doesn't seem to always get passed on - my boy is not like me - he can look me in the eye and go to Uni and do all the regular stuff, thank God. The most important thing, in my opinion, if you do have kids - is always be honest with them, don't lie about how you are. And also, be there for them - I consider myself lucky that I have been able to spend so much time with my boy, even though I 'm broke and have felt embarrassed about being a kind of "house husband" for a lot of my life - kids don't care - they just want to be with you, so I'm lucky.

All the best anyway, Don.


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## Wesses

im almost 30 and in this stage of my life i would be far too irresponsible to have children. 

I think i fear having children when i can't take care of them properly. If i have children with sa, I hope that i will be stable enough to get them through it better than my parents were able to with me.


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## cloister2

hi,
I too think I will die alone. At 33 it seems likely. So I have an idea. Why don't we have children together?The only catch is you'll have to take care of them. hah j/k of course


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## howard26

It's very possible. I've seen women in my extended family make it a point to not be like their parents, and they are top notch parents. At the same time, if you are not sure, don't have kids. It's too much of a resonsponsibility if you are unsure. You have some time to work this out.


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## chantellabella

Hi,

When I was younger, I thought as you did.....thinking I can't break the cycle. But knowing how bad it felt as a child to live with things like abandonment and abuse, made me more determined to raise my kids way better. Sometimes I wonder if I made their childhood too fun/safe/happy because they often take things for granted. 

But it is possible to overcome emotional and mental problems when you have kids. They give you a reason to overcome these things when you see that helpless child in your arms who is depending on your sanity for their survival. Children force you to become selfless and also force you to fight for you own wellness so you can take of them.


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## Revenwyn

I'm married but my husband has Klinefelter's Syndrome (XXY) so he cannot have children. Even if that weren't the case we wouldn't want any as we're both autistic. So yeah we understand where you're coming from not wanting to pass stuff on.


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## Scrumpilump2000

I understand your concern. I'd regret having kids, I think. Although, I'll regret not having them too! One never knows. We just seem to muddle through somehow, making calculated choices and hoping things work out.


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## dcgal

I have read that the number of friends your parents has correlates to the number of friends your child has. My parents had very few friends and that is certainly true for me, although if I do have a child I will be much more understanding of this issue than my parents were for me. Since so many friendships early on tend to spring up between the parents, I worry that my child will be an outcast. I see so many moms getting together more for them than the children, and playdates will be a challenge as I have so few friends.


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## ladyj

YES!!!! Wow...exactly what I am going through now. My husband wants a baby so bad and so do I but I am petrified that my condition would ultimately hurt my future child. I don't want to pass down any genetic disposition for this misery!!!!
Sometimes I think the best thing to do would be to adopt because I am really afraid of postpartum depression.


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## victoriangirl

I personally have chosen not to have kids because of the 'maybe' factor. This is not a risk I should be taking, not for myself and definetely not for another living being. I know my genes and I know how hard my life is right now, simply struggling from day to day. I am bad in relationships, even worse when they end so realistically I have to think of this on my own and adding the factor of the care of another being would be simply too much for me to handle. It would not be fair on the kid and I'd want only the best for my child. 

I know I'd be a good mom in many ways, I often wish things were different and that I could be a responsible parent to a child, but knowing myself, a child inside, I know it would be too big of a risk to take.

I am hoping that my sister gets to adopt and that I get to be an aunt - because I would make a terrific aunt ))


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## southall

I have kids. I spoil them rotten all the time to make up for the social life i cant give them at this point in their lives. They think im the best dad ever compared to what their friends parents are like (even though on bad days i cant get out of bed due to depression)
I cant do things like arrange a big birthday party for them or take them on holiday due to SA. But what i can give them is lots of my time and attention. My dad was very extroverted and had lots of friends and relations, so sometimes i felt he would neglect us. Sometimes i even felt he gave my cousins more attention than we got as building close bonds to relatives was very important to him. However he used his social skills to arrange my marriage so i can at least thank him for that i as i stood zero chance of ever finding a partner myself.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

I fear that I will not make a good parent. I am a good uncle to my sis's kids, but I fear that I will not be able to take care of my own kids...and that scares me from having sex. I know how condoms can break, and accidents can happen. The safest sex is masturbation. 

At the same time, I want kids of my own. I am...conflicted.


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## Zendo

Same here, I worry about having kids and not being able to be a good parent because of my SA. Actually, I worry more about having boys because my dad left when I was 9 and although I didn't think much about it at the time, I've definitely missed out on having a strong father figure. I worry that if I had boys I wouldn't be able to give them real manly qualities that would serve them well in their life since I'm not a "mans man". I think I'd do a great job bringing up girls though. If I meet the right woman I will definitely have one kid at least. I'll just have to work twice as hard to make it work.


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## d3lusionkt

I also have a huge issue with the above topic. It's crazy how I feel so similar to the people posting here, but it is also somehow comforting. Don't you wish we could all be friends IRL? Heh, kind of kidding, but it's difficult to relate with other adults when you have these unusual feelings, and it would be a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who understands. 

I also feel afraid to have children because I do not want to bring another person into this world who would likely suffer like I have. I know I would want to try as much as possible to teach them socially at a young age (my parents never did) and to somehow get them involved in social stuff while they are young enough to not mind. But I am worried this is a genes thing and that they will end up feeling the same way I did.

Also, I know having a child will force me to deal with many new social obligations. Is it not crazy to say that I am already afraid of a teenage daughter bringing her friends over? I just feel like I cannot cope well with the whole thing, and so I also have shied from the prospect of having children. 

But I do get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that says I am about to lose the chance to ever have children, and I still feel just slightly on the fence about it. I have even imagined scenarios of a child coming to me with tough things and tried to come up with the best ways to help them- I don't know why I think about these things when I am not wanting to have children. Also I do intend on furthering my own life first- And children will take away that focus. But time is running out. So I don't know. I guess I will just procrastinate until it's too late.


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## Miss Linda

Thank god I'm not the only one! A part of me kinda wants kids (its the whole legacy idea), but I'm so afraid I'll pass on the crazy or drown them in the bathtub or something. I mean, I know you can overcome your issues (my mom overcame some pretty serious abuse issues), but I worry that I lack the strength, and I don't want to screw my nonexistent kids up. No one's pressured me to have 'em, but it still feels like there's this unspoken societal expectation that I should be having kids right now. It seems like everyone I know is having them, and, call me selfish, but I don't want my life to revolve around a kid. I want to do more than just continue the species.


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## hypestyle

not sure.. there's so many things I want to do, career wise and travel-wise, and having children to take care of means putting off a lot of that.. I want to concentrate on career and hobby/travel desires first..


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## flower2blossom

Same here. I was so afraid of having kids. My husband loves kids but he has had his own problems and didn't push the idea much. Before I became too old, I had actually tried to conceive for a little while but it didn't happen.. I think now I have past the age. 

I don't have so much regrets not having children but I sometimes wonder how my life would have been with them. When I see people with kids in the street, they look happy and I envy them sometimes, although it's not too much.


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