# Asked my therapist for a hug and was declined - I feel really ashamed and embarrassed



## Ostridge (Jul 11, 2017)

I'll try to keep this brief: I've been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for about 2-3 months now. I really feel like she is a perfect fit for my personal needs. I connect with her really well, I always feel as though I'm being listened to, and I actually look forward to my weekly appointments with her. Everything was going really well.

Everything, that is, until today.

My appointment with her went no worse than any other; I talked about a lot of personal issues (e.g. problems with my sister, my friends). Then at the end of the appointment, I asked her if I could have a hug. She declined, saying that she'd rather not. She framed it as a professional issue, particularly with male clients, but that she really appreciated the gesture. Even so, I was extremely embarrassed. I felt like I made her very uncomfortable, and that I took things to a really inappropriate place.

I'm worried that my question will ruin the therapist-client relationship that I had built up to this point. Am I taking this too personally? Is it as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

It's not really a big deal unless you make it one. I don't think you've ruined anything though she may have temporarily flagged you as a client who isn't sure what kind of boundaries exist in therapy. But she's been trained to respond that way to requests like that, and it's not uncommon for psychologists to get hug requests or to be given gifts. Btw, psychologists / therapists are also usually trained to decline gifts as well. If you ever want to show appreciation the best way to do so is to say so in a session.


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Dont be embarassed, all the time people ask to hug their therapists etc. She politely told you that she would rather not so try not to let it affect you negatively. Forget people's opinions, she probably just felt uncomfortable having that level of intimate contact, some people are like that. Try not to make it into a big deal.


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## Kilgore Trout (Aug 10, 2014)

Ostridge said:


> She framed it as a professional issue, particularly with male clients, but that she really appreciated the gesture. Even so, I was extremely embarrassed. I felt like I made her very uncomfortable, and that I took things to a really inappropriate place.


They are not allowed to form any relationships with their clients. And hugs can be rather intimate.
The thing is they will never know your intentions. They don't know how you will feel about it.
So their professional response is to refuse. 
There's probably even a section in their books telling them exactly what to do if a client asked to hug them.
It's definitely a professional thing and nothing personal. Don't even think about it. Things like this probably happens to them so much they don't even get bothered.
Just pretend it never happened and keep going to her like before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noraborealis (Jul 3, 2017)

I can't blame you for feeling that way. I see it as we aren't suppose to see therapists as other people, but as professional entities instead. They can't say things like "I think you look great" or be personal in any way. They are sort of at a distance from us while trying to assist us. I mean sure it's not like they have to act like robots, but therapists have boundaries. Even their state of mind is different as your therapist, than say seeing you out on the street. Basically, we can't "humanize" our therapists, even during our time of need.

I was completely clueless about how therapy worked, until I watched a show about therapy. If it weren't for that show, I'd probably be trying to hug my therapist too.


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## Drose24 (Aug 11, 2017)

Don't be embarrassed, unfortunately there are boundaries which they abide to. I have been in mental health groups where whoever is leading it can't give you a hug, some will allow you to initiate a hug. It's silly really!


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## cubsfandave (Jul 20, 2016)

No, just break the ice in the next session by saying something like "Sorry, I asked for a hug last week. I'm under a lot of stress. Can we discuss this further over a lobster dinner tomorrow night"? LOL


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## Cassoulet94 (Apr 3, 2014)

Seriously I think that if next time you just say that you are sorry for asking this because you understand that it was putting her in an unconfortable position, you should feel better. She probably doesn''t care but I think it will help you not to think about it anymore. If I were you I would do that.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Sue for malpractice.


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## WinterDave (Dec 5, 2003)

You are one patient among many that she sees every week in the forty hours that she spends at her job....

She probably doesn't even remember it other than as a footnote in your chart....

Just briefly apologize and say you understand about her having to keep professional boundaries with her patients....


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Ostridge said:


> I felt like I made her very uncomfortable, and that I took things to a really inappropriate place.


Therapists are well-trained to deal with this kind of stuff.

It may help you to bring it up at your next session and talk about how you felt uncomfortable and guilty over it.


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

cubsfandave said:


> No, just break the ice in the next session by saying something like "Sorry, I asked for a hug last week. I'm under a lot of stress. Can we discuss this further over a lobster dinner tomorrow night"? LOL


:lol

On a serious note though, lobster dinner?? She would have to be crazy to decline.


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## MadnessVertigo (Sep 26, 2016)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Sue for malpractice.


lol


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

MadnessVertigo said:


> lol


Therapist - "I care about you so much I can't let you live without me"

Patient - "Really? You do?"

Therapist - "Yes. Absolutely!"

Patient - "I just need a hug"

Therapist - "No"

Patient - "No? WTF? Well, that didn't last long"


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## MadnessVertigo (Sep 26, 2016)

It is kind of a mind-**** when you think about it.


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