# I don't think I belong in University



## TangledBones (Oct 26, 2015)

Basically as the title says. I never wanted to go to university but I had to because that's what my parents expect of me. School has always been a dreadful thing for me and was already really difficult, but now that I'm university things are just insanely worse. I managed to get through my first year and it was pretty awful but I dealt with it. However, this year I've been struggling a lot and suddenly I'm starting to do a lot things I'm not proud of.

I remember the second day of classes this fall so vividly. Throughout the day, I learned that one of my classes was going to require a lot of papers to be written and presented verbally in front the class, and my other courses also had very heavy workloads. I had woken up at 6 am that day and didn't get home until almost 10 at night. As the day progressed, it slowly began to sink in that this was going to be my life every day, every week, every month until I got my degree and would only get worse from there. I felt sick to my stomach and bawled my eyes out in the shower that night. I had doubts about going to university before, but it was then that I really decided that I'm just not cut out for it.

Around this time, my mother's health was getting worse and she was in the hospital for a couple weeks before being moved to hospice. The added stress was too much and eventually I convinced my dad to let me quit most of my courses. I wanted to get rid of them all but he wouldn't allow me to (he's paying for this, so I don't really have a say with what I want to do). So now I'm stuck with this one course that I kind of liked at the beginning, but now it's just as dreadful as the others were. The professor is extremely vague with instructions which is one of the worst things for me. I _need_ to know exactly what I'm doing and how to do it to be able to function. If I'm not given enough information on what I'm supposed to do, I start to panic and shutdown (sometimes even crying about it).

Then my mother passed away and things got even worse for me. I felt like I couldn't focus and I would often remove myself from situations without even thinking about what I was doing. I had to miss some classes and by the time I got back I was incredibly far behind on my assignments. I still am. I haven't done a single project this year yet even though it's been almost two months since university started this fall. I've already arranged with my professor to be able to hand my projects in late/any time. However, this is just embarrassing at this point. I'm so scared to go back to class now because I have nothing to submit and I feel like my presence in class does nothing for me (I can't work on current projects until I'm done my others) and I'm embarrassed to be seen by other classmates that I'm still working on project #1 like an idiot. Because of this, I've started skipping class. That might not seem like much to some people, but for me it is something immense. I've never skipped or miss class (except for illness/other important situations), and I feel disgusting doing it. Last week I rode the train to school, but somehow my body wouldn't let me get off at my stop and I ended up riding the train all the way to the other side of town. I got off and got onto a random bus and just kept going for a while until I ended up back at home. The next day I purposely continued to sleep rather than go to class. I'm sick of avoiding university like this, and yet I'm too afraid to go back at this point.

Some other points before I finish this post: I live at home with my dad and brother, but I don't interact with them much. I have almost no friends at university. A group of friends tried approaching me and I guess I kind of talk to them sometimes, but I prefer not to. I don't trust them with anything, and only feel barely comfortable talking to one of the girls from the group. One of the guys in that group tried to hit on my several times despite me telling him to just leave me alone and so that was very stressful. He wouldn't stop even when I told him I have a boyfriend already. Of course, no one takes it seriously because it's a long distance relationship and my bf lives in another country (I met him online because we shared similar problems and we try to help and be supportive of each other). 
I hate university and learning because it all feels useless to me. I literally just remember what I have to for tests/assignments and then as soon as I no longer need that information it's pretty much gone for good. I'm not learning anything. I'm not enjoying anything about the university experience. It does nothing for me except if I continue for another 2 1/2 years I may get a degree which will help me get a job I probably don't even want/can't get. I mean, I'm not even competent enough to get a crappy job at a fast food restaurant, I'll never get hired for something more important than that. I've tried so hard to apply for jobs despite being very shy and anxious, and I've gotten absolutely nothing out of it. I'm worthless, and nothing I can do will change that. I don't even know what I want to do for a living; honestly it all sounds too hard and scary to do.The only thing I'm somewhat passionate about is art, but it's not like I'm good enough at it to make anything of it. I'm taking Visual Arts in University because that's the only thing I thought I could handle. Apparently not. I'm so pathetic and terrible I can't even handle one of the easiest university majors (as I've seen it is often mocked by students going into things like medicine or engineering). I often feel like I don't belong in this world. I have nothing of use to offer.

Geez, sorry for making that so long. I didn't mean for this to be such a wall of text. Thank you to anyone who reads this and can help in some way. I'm at such a loss as to what to do with my life right now.


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## LydiaC (Jul 10, 2013)

go seek counselling and help from your university. they should have student services there to help you.


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## Judy123 (Sep 15, 2015)

TangledBones said:


> Basically as the title says. I never wanted to go to university but I had to because that's what my parents expect of me. School has always been a dreadful thing for me and was already really difficult, but now that I'm university things are just insanely worse. I managed to get through my first year and it was pretty awful but I dealt with it. However, this year I've been struggling a lot and suddenly I'm starting to do a lot things I'm not proud of.
> 
> I remember the second day of classes this fall so vividly. Throughout the day, I learned that one of my classes was going to require a lot of papers to be written and presented verbally in front the class, and my other courses also had very heavy workloads. I had woken up at 6 am that day and didn't get home until almost 10 at night. As the day progressed, it slowly began to sink in that this was going to be my life every day, every week, every month until I got my degree and would only get worse from there. I felt sick to my stomach and bawled my eyes out in the shower that night. I had doubts about going to university before, but it was then that I really decided that I'm just not cut out for it.
> 
> ...


Hi there.. so sorry to read of what you are going through. It looks like you are having a nervous breakdown to me. I am not a professional. But you are going through a lot of trauma and stress right now. Your mother passing must have been horrible for you. And a lack of support or counselling would make you feel all alone in dealing with this. I agree with the poster above about visiting your student services first. Get recommendations. This year of school may be a write off for you, because of all these serious problems. Your father can try to get the money back, or you can offer to repay him when you are feeling better and have a job in the future. You can always return to school when you feel better. Right now it is probably best to stay at home if the environment is not too toxic. Too much change too fast is not a good thing. All the best. Also try to get meds. Read the med information here on this site.


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## wishin and hopin (Jul 22, 2015)

TangledBones said:


> Geez, sorry for making that so long. I didn't mean for this to be such a wall of text. Thank you to anyone who reads this and can help in some way. I'm at such a loss as to what to do with my life right now.


Oh my gosh, all of that is so vivid, and it sounds traumatic. You are not wrong for a second to doubt that university is where you should be. Your dad is going through a lot right now too, but he will have to understand that so are you, and you need to do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself. 
When it comes to your own mental well-being, sometimes it is easy to brush off its importance, or you may think that you can fix yourself later when you have more time. But this does not happen. You have to go out of your way to take care of yourself.

I haven't gone through what you're going through but I have generally similar feelings towards life and my education. Even just reading the title of your thread hit a sore spot. Everything you said really rang, and despite not sharing your experiences, I can really feel what you might be going through as you describe it.

A year off is NOTHING. A lifetime of recovering from overwhelming, acute stress is real. You deserve to put yourself first. Convince your dad. Just try to remember that none of this is your fault, even these flaws about yourself that you name. They are not flaws... they're just incompatibilities with the way happiness is defined in society. Of course not everyone belongs in university, but society has no clue and no time to figure out a better system, so everyone is assigned this life. It's not your fault, your happiness lies somewhere else. Don't deprive yourself because you also have no time to make the most important decision you need to make.


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