# Therapist gets mad at me



## ElectricGhost (Feb 7, 2013)

So today i went to therapy first thing in the morning. Last week my therapist and I had agreed to do mock interviews for this week's session. She had prepared some interview questions for today but I came in and kind of cancelled things on the spot saying we are going to talk about something else because i have been having a bad week as far as my mental health goes. So I wanted to talk about that. She snaps at me saying she had prepared all these questions and i was not even prepared and we had an agreement last week that we will were going to work on interviews and that it's kinda of rude to just change the plans. (not exact words but more or less what she said)

I told her that I have been having a rough week as far as my mental health and i didn't really prepare plus i have been volunteering all week. There were days where i still had time and I probably could have studied and practiced for the interviews but I just couldn't manage it because my mind wasn't all there. I even explained this to her but she just said we could have talked about what was on your mind and did the interviews I agreed and said yeah we could have did that but I am not prepared anyways so it's kind of pointless as I won't do well. 

The thing is I agree maybe I could have done better however I was under the impression that this was about me and does not have anything to do with her. I didn't tell her that but i felt like saying that. She is my therapist not my boss or my teacher. I'm sorry if she felt she wasted her personal time (which she shouldn't have since she should be working on that stuff in the office during office hours). She also has a habit of not being as understanding as my first therapist was. She is about all pushing and no excuses. My first therapist let me control the sessions. This therapist it feels like she is more of my boss telling me what to do. Sometimes i feel I want to tell her but i'm afriad i'm going to come off as rude. 

I'm starting to reach the point where I'm not going to care especially since she is leaving anyway. I know i am not going to let my future therapist get away with things like this. 

Was she wrong for getting mad? Was i wrong? thoughts anyone? I felt like I wanted to put her in her place. I go to therapy as an escape and for support and a place to cope not to satisfy other people.

I miss my first therapist.


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I don't agree with the second poster here. I think a therapist has a duty to be respectful of what a patient wants. They can explain the stuff that NoSocialButterfly just said, but in a way which says: 

'well, what are you looking to achieve in these sessions, because we can address what you bring up if you'd like, but I also have these other ideas which could be effective because of A. B. and C. But at the end of the day, it's your mental health and I'm not your boss'

My psychiatrist often takes this tone like, 'well I'm a doctor so I know better than you', and quite honestly, it's really off putting. It makes it feel like he doesn't care about my personal circumstances at all. Maybe a psychiatrist isn't supposed to anyways...I'm not sure. But I'm looking for a new one.


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

Your therapist was definitely in the wrong, it is you that should decide what the session will be about and needs no preparation on her part. She is there to listen, take notes and help you to come to your own decisions and solutions. 
Your mental health is suppose to be her priority and she let you down. Totally selfish ******.


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I dunno SilentWitness, don't you reckon there can be a balance? The therapist can tell you the sort of plan you could do, if you'd like to. That's key. They should provide you with options. They can't just tell you, no, fill out this and f&$k your personal issues. That's crap.


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> No. Have you ever even been in therapy? And if you have, did you actually see benefit from it if that's what you demanded and what your therapist did? I'm skeptical.
> 
> They agreed it was mock interviews that day! She is trying to help him interview. That is something obviously deemed important by both of them if that's what they were to work on. And she is trying to replicated the real world experience of it, which is why he was supposed to be prepared and follow through with it. If he is unwilling to do so, then there is not much she can do to help. A therapist is not there to hold your hand and baby you. Granted they should be somewhat sympathetic. But they are there to help you learn to live your life. And it would be a huge disservice and waste of her time and money and his as well if she just sat there taking notes and nodding her head in agreement.


Yes, I've been in therapy for over a year and I would definitely not go back if she were anything like you describe. You're talking like you're his therapist, lol. They are there to help you cope with crisis that occur, deal with relationships and generally get back on your feet again. Mock interviews are not important in the scheme of things, all else must come first.

My therapist records everything that I say in our sessions mainly for my benefit. They are not career managers and shouldn't try to be. And what the bloody hell do you mean nodding head in agreement? Do you even know what you're talking about? What kind of ****ing therapist did you go to? Unless it was a occupational therapist which is whole different area.

I don't understand why you're so hard line recently, that's all I see from you is belittling other people. Who do you think you are? I remember you whinging about customers at your job and many other such threads, wanting sympathy and yet here you are doing the exact opposite for others. Hypocrite much?
Miss know-it-all!! [roll eyes]


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I dunno what you're gaining by being so aggressive in your opinion. Some things people see differently.


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

Maybe I am being aggressive, sorry if I come across that way. I'm just annoyed as she's harassed another poster and I just don't like someone being skeptical that I see a therapist. That's just rude. 

I think this place is getting to me and I need another year long break. ugh.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> She is trying to help you. You were supposed to take the mock interviews seriously. You already knew what that session was going to be about. She is trying to teach you that no matter how you feel, what happened in your week, there are still obligations and things you must do in life. You can't say, oh, I'm having a rough day, I don't think I'll go to work. Because if you do, you won't have a job. If you want to control everything, not do what she says, then why even go? I'm just asking. And therapists aren't supposed to just be all supportive and make you feel better...they are there to help you learn to be able to function and live your life. My therapist said to me "screw feelings." I like that he is honest with me and I really appreciate that.


I have to agree with this. Although I think your therapists could have approached it a little different. When I was in therapy we would have thing planned for the next session but I was always asked if I wanted to talked about things first or if there was anything I wanted to bring up before going on to it. So you told her your weren't prepared, I think you should have still gone on to do the interview with her and who cares how badly you do next week you'd do better and learn. I assume this is something you wanted to do, something you want to learn - it is not for her benefit, it has to work both ways!


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

SilentWitness said:


> Maybe I am being aggressive, sorry if I come across that way. I'm just annoyed as she's harassed another poster and I just don't like someone being skeptical that I see a therapist. That's just rude.
> 
> I think this place is getting to me and I need another year long break. ugh.


Actually, I was referring to her. But I don't want to start a long flame war.


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## hazelblue (Jun 6, 2012)

You're right. Things happen, priorities change and as your therapist learns more about your circumstances, they need to adapt and address exactly what _you_ want, _when_ you want. I'd quit my therapist if she started bossing me. That's for school and work, therapy is an outlet for that crap.


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## MrWibblyWobbly (Mar 2, 2012)

I would consider that unacceptable in a therapist. Right now, I am doing a very structured, action-oriented therapy (ACT -- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) in which my therapist works with me through "lessons" and exercises during the session. He assigned chapters to read in a book (_The Happiness Trap_ by Russ Harris) and meditation exercises to do at home. One week, though, I was feeling really depressed and couldn't do the reading and came in and just wanted to talk about things. He was very understanding. He listened and reframed what was going on through (using an ACT and neurobiological perspective), which really helped. We put aside the planned exercises for that session, and just did a non-structured talk session. I felt a lot more grounded when I walked out of that session.

Your therapist works for you, not the other way around. While it's important to commit to the process and give it all you can, this is the emotional life we're talking about. It's messy. And sometimes there will be unforeseen storms. Therapy should be at least one safe place in which you don't have to put up a front and can take some shelter from the incessant obligations that life makes on you. We all need that "safe place" where we can truly unburden ourselves of the weight of everyday life. This is especially true for social anxiety because many of us won't have the social support that serves to alleviate some of that burden naturally.

A therapist is called to do many things: to help us hold and make sense of the complications of our past, to orient us towards growth and self-efficacy in the present, to help us find an inner compass and balance in the middle of our life's chaos. It sounds like your therapist is using some form of behavioral therapy. Behavioral therapy (roleplays, visualizations, exposure, etc.) can be very helpful, but it MUST be done with sensitivity and finesse. And it also needs to be done within some kind of philosophical framework. In ACT, that framework is that some amount of pain is part and parcel of our existence, but that we can learn how to best thrive within that life by accepting what we cannot change and doing whatever is possible for us in any moment. Sometimes there is pain that we have no choice but to accept. Sometimes we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves through the way we react to what happens inside and outside ourselves.

It sounds like your therapist approaches therapy somewhat rigidly due to some foundational deficit in her training. A skilled therapist would have been able to work with you through what you brought into the therapy room, while still encouraging you to develop the skills necessary to do well in these interviews. So you didn't prepare for the interview. Fine. Now what? Is shaming you or making you feel guilty going to lead you in the right direction? If you're like most people, probably not.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

It sounds like her tone and attitude and even approach is just too restrictive and harsh and not very flexible. I personally couldn't put up with that for very long at all. You say you don't want to come off as rude, but why not? She is. 

I think it's some kind of countertransference issue of hers--probably that if her patients don't "fall in line like they are supposed to" then (unconsciously, or consciously) she feels like a failure as a therapist, and in turn acts it out by having a nasty, pushy attitude with the patient. All this is HER problem, not yours. I think you should bring it up. It won't go away or resolve on its own I don't think. Plus, could you go back to your old therapist? Was the old one helpful? 

Someone above said something about they are not supposed to "baby" you. Well, they are also not supposed to act like drill instructors either. They are supposed to consider your feelings and so if she refuses or can't do that, then how are you supposed to trust her, respect her, or take her seriously? I would switch to someone else if it was me. 

The place I go to tells us that we are in control of our own therapy. That really is how it should be.


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## ElectricGhost (Feb 7, 2013)

Thank You guys for all of your answers! It's nice to know that there are people here to see where i'm coming from. No disrespect to anyone who has a different view. If a therpaist like the one I currently have works for you than thats great! However that is not the kind of therapist I thought I was getting. My therapist even says the same thing as what another poster said here about just nodding in agreement. She (my therapist) has said it multiple times and it really is pissing me off. I don't want her to agree and nod with everything i say and believe that's not the point. I know people have different views and stuff. What I expect from her from being my therapist is to be supportive and understanding to what i am facing and it's like she doesn't even care. She shows no empathy or sympathy and is on and on about a goal. It scares me to think about how bad things would have been if she was my first therapist. 

There have been a few sessions where I just wanted to talk about what's on my mind and she will go right back to a damn goal. I need to keep my mental health stable thats my main goal. She doesn't seem to understand that. The reason why i don't want to come off as rude is because I just don't want things to be worse than they already are. She is leaving later this month anyway so I want to make my time as easy as possible. 

I can't go back to my first therapist because she left to attend to her family. Even if she was still there I wouldn't be able to see her because I have no more insurance so I have to take the cheaper route. i forgot to mention that the therapist i'm seeing now is an intern and not really an actual therapist. I try to be reasonable because I know she is an intern and she is still learning and following too much by those guidelines they pump into her brain but it just gets frustrating. I'm kinda sexually attracted to my first therapist but thats another story. 

I want to be in control of my therapy like i once was. My first therapist acted more normal. Like she wouldjust sit in her chair and make herself comfortable and drink her beverages and listen and she would adjust herself like she was having a normal conversation with someone she knew. this therapist I have now it feels like i'm in the bosses or principles office and you just want to do what you have to do and leave. I'm trying to adjust but it's very difficult. i even had a suspicion of her when i first met her but I went against it. Not having insurance and being broke is killing me so i have to make do with the interns I am going to get as my therapist. 

Sorry for this being so long.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Oh I didn't see that she was leaving in the first post. From my experience, bringing it up does end up making things rocky, but not bringing it up is even worse. But since there's not much time left anyway, i see your point of not wanting it to get more uncomfortable. 

And she's an intern??? Maybe that's why she's so pushy--to make herself look like she's doing a good job, getting you (and others) to do all these things. That's probably a lot of it. She's under that pressure. And also not very experienced on how to deal with her personal feelings on her own instead of it coming out in your sessions.


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## ElectricGhost (Feb 7, 2013)

The thing is I kind of feel sorry for her in a way because I know she is an intern and I know what it's like to be an intern. I kinda feel bad putting this up here but I needed to know what other people thought about the situation. The way she made it into a big deal. She didn't want to move on until she got her point through. (Even though I already knew just by thinking of the situation.)

I don't mind the goals but it's just like she over does it. Sometimes she'll even say to let her know if she's pushing me too hard yet when i want to take things slower and just talk about what's on my mind it won't be long before she is at it again demanding a goal (not literally demanding but you can tell she is trying too hard and rushing things.) I even told her i don't want to rush things and even if we don't meet all the goals to just brief the next therapist and what we were working on and we can take it from there. 

We worked on interviews before because I said I wanted to get better at interviews. So it's not like it was the first time we were going to do interviews. I was just caught off guard by her reaction and the way she wouldn't let it go. I think she needs a therapist lol. It was made into a bigger deal than what it should of been. She was even trying to put me on a guilt trip by saying I should see her point of view with that snapping tone of voice. it's bad enough I have to see the crazy psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and i'm not looking forward to that at all.


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## eeksperience (Apr 1, 2012)

How about you tell her what you wrote here? Only you know if the therapist is right or wrong for you. We cant tell you that. 

But how about you tell her how you feel just so that you practice speaking your mind. Then it doesnt matter if she is good or bad because you will be advancing. 

I see this as an opportunity.


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