# would you rather date a girl who..



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

Would you rather date someone who is extremely attractive but has self-esteem issues or an average looking girl who has amazing confidence?


----------



## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I find self-esteem issues attractive :stu


----------



## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

Mercurochrome said:


> I find self-esteem issues attractive :stu


 Same Here


----------



## Guest01 (May 5, 2011)

If she's too confident, she'll end up thinking I'm not good enough for her. 

On the other hand, the attractive girl with low self-esteem will be easier to please. A simple "I love you" will give her a smile for a week.


----------



## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

That depends on what you mean with "confidence". *****iness and arrogance is not something I find attractive, at all. I'd rather have a girl who stands beside me, rather than a girl who either relies too much on me, or who is the one who feels she needs to/can pull all the strings.


----------



## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

There are more attributes than just those that decide if I should date someone.


----------



## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Honestly I really dont find confidence to be a turn on. I think I'd be incompatible with someone who has a lot of confidence, a little/some is fine though.


----------



## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

Probably the average one, I'll take personality over looks any day. It's important to feel comfortable around a person. Although it really depends on how bad the self-esteem issues are. No one wants to be around someone who constantly puts themselves down. However, if it's something she doesn't bring up all the time and is working on improving her self-confidence, I'd be willing to overlook that. It mainly depends on how well we get along.


----------



## StevenGlansberg (Apr 1, 2009)

Mercurochrome said:


> I find self-esteem issues attractive :stu


lol


----------



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It would be pretty even for me at first, but then as time goes on unless the attractive girl started feeling secure around me I'd most likely go with the confident girl in the long-run.


----------



## baseballdude (May 23, 2010)

Average girl with amazing confidence. I don't think I would be able to handle a high-maintenance, attractive girl who hates herself when I have self-esteem issues myself.


----------



## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

We've all got problems. Her having low self-esteem in itself isn't enough to discourage me from dating her. But if she had social anxiety that was as severe as or close to as severe as me, it would be less than ideal (although probably not enough to turn me away completely). The reason is that I don't think I would be able to manage another person's socializing problems at the same time as I'm trying to manage mine. Maybe a confident girl would be able to help me get into new situations and all that. But anyway, low self-esteem isn't the same thing as social anxiety.


----------



## kindasorta (Apr 20, 2009)

It's just way to broad of a question. Looks really isn't what makes me want to date anyone in the first place. Many times self esteem can be a turn on but it can also be a turn off. Same goes with low self esteem. I look at the individual as a whole as much as I possibly can and decide wether I'm interested or not.

There is something about wanting to make someone with low self esteem realize how great they are, but it's still just a tiny piece of the puzzle.


----------



## Spineshark (Mar 1, 2011)

I'd date the attractive person because self-esteem issues are not permanent and too much confidence isn't always a good thing.


----------



## Mr Blues (Apr 1, 2011)

Someone having 'amazing confidence' generally equals an extrovert personality.

There's no way in hell I could mesh with that, and actually anybody with such a highly sociable nature wouldn't want to date me anyway.


----------



## theseshackles (Apr 23, 2011)

"average looking girl who has amazing confidence"

I fell in love with one once. She was such an amazing dancer. She would say the craziest things and then would laugh at herself...I admired that :mushy

Too bad I couldn't have her.
*
Confidence is sexy!!*


----------



## ImWeird (Apr 26, 2010)

The latter.


----------



## Stile (Jul 26, 2010)

average and confident would be the choice for me.


----------



## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

It depends a lot on what you mean by "self-esteem issues."

If you mean a shy, modest, unsocial girl, it's not even a contest, because I consider that far preferable to the typical bar-hopping, ladette "confident" girl, to begin with. And looks don't hurt, of course.

If you mean a narcissistic, two-faced girl with no loyalty who constantly seeks an ego boost to make up for her self-esteem issues, then I pick neither.

I guess the moral of the story is, I don't really like "normal," confident girls to begin with. I'm only interested in someone shy, modest, and (as pretentious as it sounds) nonconformist; if these characteristics are driven by self-esteem issues, I don't mind much, so long as it isn't taken to a particularly unhealthy extreme that involves things like cutting, bulimia, etc.


----------



## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Extremely attractive, but with a few issues, whether they be self-esteem or something else (but not more issues than me).


----------



## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

MoniqueS said:


> extremely attractive but has self-esteem issues


Just my type.


----------



## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Eh, I like a girl who's a little ****ed up. No matter to me.

Confidence level isn't a big deal to me as long as it's not to either extreme.


----------



## Choci Loni (May 12, 2011)

I'd choose a less attractive, insecure girl before an attractive girl with an overblown ego any day.


----------



## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

:ditto


----------



## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Confidence. But looks are much easier to immediately see.


----------



## Quietguy90 (May 9, 2011)

if the girl has "self esteem issues" it usually means that she is sensitive and a more thoughtful and deep person. Im much more likely to be attracted to her


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I'd go for anything I can get at this point.


----------



## Lateralus (Oct 28, 2007)

Mercurochrome said:


> I find self-esteem issues attractive :stu


I do too. If she's very confident I just feel inferior. Sad I know.


----------



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

Lateralus said:


> I do too. If she's very confident I just feel inferior. Sad I know.


the really sad thing is i find that comforting! i struggle with confidence, but i'm working on it.


----------



## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Honestly, the former, although I regret feeling that way.


----------



## Lateralus (Oct 28, 2007)

MoniqueS said:


> the really sad thing is i find that comforting! i struggle with confidence, but i'm working on it.


That's good! I wish everyone could be confident and comfortable with who they are. It is my own problems that cause me to be attracted to others with problems.


----------



## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

Quietguy90 said:


> if the girl has "self esteem issues" it usually means that she is sensitive and a more thoughtful and deep person. Im much more likely to be attracted to her


Or... it just means that she has self-esteem issues, meaning she has a lot of unsorted emotional baggage that would drive you nuts if a healthy relationship is what you're looking for. On some days she'd think that she's not good enough for you and push you away, on others she'd call you teary-eyed, explain to you why she's the way she is, and beg you to come back and give her another chance. Someone with self-esteem issues is usually both needy and distant - the worst kind of person to be in a relationship with, especially if you're not a people person to begin with.

OP, if you have self-esteem issues, perhaps rather than trying to find someone who would accept you issues and all, you should work through your issues first. No one is absolutely free of any problems, but at least wait until you have your issues under control - enough that you'd have confidence in yourself. If you can't accept yourself the way you are, why would you expect anyone to accept you?


----------



## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

rednosereindeer said:


> If you can't accept yourself the way you are, why would you expect anyone to accept you?


I agree completely and thats what I'm working on. I'm not even thinking about dating yet because I know I have so much work to do on myself first. But I do have fears I'm never truly going to get over some of my issues, so I was curious to hear what guys had to say about it.


----------



## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

rednosereindeer said:


> Or... it just means that she has self-esteem issues, meaning she has a lot of unsorted emotional baggage that would drive you nuts if a healthy relationship is what you're looking for. On some days she'd think that she's not good enough for you and push you away, on others she'd call you teary-eyed, explain to you why she's the way she is, and beg you to come back and give her another chance. Someone with self-esteem issues is usually both needy and distant - the worst kind of person to be in a relationship with, especially if you're not a people person to begin with.
> 
> OP, if you have self-esteem issues, perhaps rather than trying to find someone who would accept you issues and all, you should work through your issues first. No one is absolutely free of any problems, but at least wait until you have your issues under control - enough that you'd have confidence in yourself. If you can't accept yourself the way you are, why would you expect anyone to accept you?


I know the fatalistic attitude is usually poorly-received on this board, but I disagree pretty strongly with the overall thrust of your message.

I believe that a lot of us on SAS are destined to deal with these "issues" for life, and that any improvements will be marginal to moderate at best. The whole "work on yourself first!" mantra is, frankly, tiresome to me. I can see where it might be good advice for someone who's utterly crippled with anxiety and housebound, but beyond that, I'm not sure I buy it. At what point would you deem it appropriate to say, "OK, I've worked on myself some and have reached a still-imperfect state with lots of issues, and now I can start dating?"

There are introverts and extroverts; there are people who are highly confident and there are those who are self-doubting and modest. What's so wrong with a modest, shy introvert with low self-esteem seeking a relationship with someone like himself or herself? To suggest that "improvement" beyond such a state is necessary betrays a lack of respect for some of the fundamental, largely-inherent traits that most SAS members share.

Yes, there are some caveats and potential problems unique to a pairing of shy people who lack confidence. There are also tons of potential problems exclusive to couples who are both extremely self-assured, too (Clintons, anyone?), but that doesn't stop _them_ from getting together, nor does anyone question _their_ relationships. I don't really get it.

This isn't an attack on you, BTW, but rather a release of pent-up frustration after months of reading this myopic "work on yourself" stuff spattered all over SAS.


----------



## Misanthropic79 (May 6, 2011)

Some interesting views here but like most because I'm damaged goods I'm leaning towards the insecure type. I couldn't deal with an overly confident female but at the same time if she's too insecure and needs constant reassurance, that wouldn't work either.

There'd need to be just enough self confidence for them to believe me when I say that I want to be with them.


----------



## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

It depends, is the confidence really cockiness or is it just confidence? I dated a girl who had too much confidence, she always wanted to be the life of the party and wanted guys to pay attention to her. It caused some problems because, yeah she needed to feel good about herself, but she didn't need to tell me that guys kept asking for her number all the time and how many guys tried to hit on her or kiss her or whatever while she was at the club. All it did was make me jealous, feel unimportant, and made me assume that I wasn't good enough for her. 

I can't say which one I would rather have. A really good looking girl with self esteem issues could be interesting, because maybe we could work on our self esteem issues together. Isn't that what relationships are about, helping each other grow and dealing with one anothers insecurities?


----------



## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

MoniqueS said:


> I agree completely and thats what I'm working on. I'm not even thinking about dating yet because I know I have so much work to do on myself first. But I do have fears I'm never truly going to get over some of my issues, so I was curious to hear what guys had to say about it.


I don't think that I will get over all of my "issues." That is what life is, dealing with issues, right? Some of us have more than others, and some of us have tougher issues to deal with than others, but I think we will always see "issues" within ourselves no matter what. I wouldn't say that dating is a good or bad idea while you are still working on yourself, it all depends on the type of person you are trying to date. Do they understand your issues? Will they help you work through them when they come up or get tougher? Will they share their issues with you? Do they want to help you with yours and you help them with theirs?

I assume there is a woman out there somewhere that has similar issues to me, that would enjoy my company, and that would like to work on her issues as well as mine together. I just haven't found her yet.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

The girl with self esteem issues.

Since I have self esteem issues, we'd be a perfect match! And also, she'd be very attractive, which would be a plus.


----------



## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> The girl with self esteem issues.
> 
> Since I have self esteem issues, we'd be a perfect match! And also, she'd be very attractive, which would be a plus.


It's not a guarantee that you'd be a perfect match.

My girlfriend is insecure about every major aspect of her life- and that includes our relationship. This has lead to a few pretty toxic situations over the years.


----------



## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

It depends what these self esteem issues entail. I once liked a girl who had self esteem issues which I was willing to accept, but they made her needy and limerant. She was infatuated with guys left and right and looking for affection. It kind of makes you feel unimportant. 

So it depends I guess.


----------



## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

I would prefer a girl who isn't judgemental, nice, loyal etc.


----------



## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

I would go with the attractive girl, although self-esteem issues are not healthy.


----------



## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

I wouldnt care. As long as she wasn't dependent on me for her self esteem. Nothing more annoying then someone crying to you about the same thing everyday. People have enough of their own problems. They don't want to hear it.


----------



## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

MoniqueS said:


> Would you rather date someone who is extremely attractive but has self-esteem issues or an average looking girl who has amazing confidence?


 Low self-esteem isn't a turn off (even though I don't want anyone to have low self-esteem) and confidence isn't a turn on.


----------



## ForeverInBloom (Oct 4, 2010)

Keith said:


> Honestly I really dont find confidence to be a turn on. I think I'd be incompatible with someone who has a lot of confidence, a little/some is fine though.


I'd pick the former.


----------



## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

I think either one of those things could screw you over in one way or another. 

Science, according to a recent article I saw on NPR for those of you who question my sources, science has shown that people who think of themselves as being more powerful are more likely to flirt and are more likely to cheat as well.

Insecure people, well their just straight unpredictable.


----------



## PanicAttackJack (Jul 16, 2004)

I dated someone with more confidence than their looks and I loved their outgoing attitude. it really helped with my SA. I wouldn't want to date someone who always whines about their low self esteem-even I don't do that.When I dated someone with low self esteem, their negativity took a toll on me. However, I don't think I could ever land someone who was really good looking unless their self esteem was low.


----------



## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

MoniqueS said:


> Would you rather date someone who is extremely attractive but has self-esteem issues or *an average looking girl who has amazing confidence?*


The second one in a heartbeat. Assuming both of them are want to date me. Self-confidence is way more important to me than looks.


----------

