# SA and being single......



## learning07 (Jan 3, 2008)

Ok this is for all of us who are single, do you ever imagine what its like to have a perfect BF/GF that understands you and feel comfortable with. I dream about if I will ever meet that special someone. How does one with SA get a bf/gf? Will the right person come along? Those of you with a bf/gf or husband/wife how did you meet eachother?


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## IvanaDantas (Oct 21, 2004)

learning07 said:


> Ok this is for all of us who are single, do you ever imagine what its like to have a perfect BF/GF that understands you and feel comfortable with. I dream about if I will ever meet that special someone. How does one with SA get a bf/gf? Will the right person come along? Those of you with a bf/gf or husband/wife how did you meet eachother?


don't get discouridged by it.....I know it can be embarassing at time Nobody is perfect, and nobody expact you to be perfect.....you will see that when you meet someone special that would deserve your attention  Nothing else matters!


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## learning07 (Jan 3, 2008)

I'm Happy for you!!Gratz!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I would like a nice girlfriend at the moment. I keep thinking every girl I meet is really sweet and noting odd things about them like having cute dimples or a nose that wrinkles up when they laugh and then I get that sort of "awww" feeling an an urge to podge their cheeks.

Overcoming depression, I think, may have let loose my libido. Suddenly I understand the situation Farleigh Calm was in a few months back ...


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## kevinffcp (Aug 30, 2007)

I need to meet the right girl, so far no so good....


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I imagined it every now and then, but not on a constant basis or else I get bummed out.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

All I know is based on the few I've gone out with I have determined I am picky. At the sametime I feel like if I did find a girl that fit the bill I'd be wondering why she is with me. 

But to answer your question I don't really wonder what it will be like to have a girl that understands sa. I don't think many people can really understand sa. If I was normal I know I wouldn't.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

-


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## McBeef (Jan 5, 2008)

learning07 said:


> Ok this is for all of us who are single, do you ever imagine what its like to have a perfect BF/GF that understands you and feel comfortable with. I dream about if I will ever meet that special someone. How does one with SA get a bf/gf? Will the right person come along? Those of you with a bf/gf or husband/wife how did you meet eachother?


It sounds weird but I actually imagine what it would be like to BE the perfect BF. I don't really imagine being understood or comforted I rather imagine myself being the comforter and caretaker.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

learning07 said:


> Ok this is for all of us who are single, do you ever imagine what its like to have a perfect BF/GF that understands you and feel comfortable with. I dream about if I will ever meet that special someone. How does one with SA get a bf/gf? Will the right person come along? Those of you with a bf/gf or husband/wife how did you meet eachother?


I used to do that a lot...several years ago.

As embarrassing as it sounds, I would imagine what it would be like to have someone around to always talk to, watch movies with, and just generally share life with. ops

All these desires have faded into oblivion, but I might experiment with the idea that they are repressed...for awhile at least. It doesn't at all _feel_ like they are repressed (like saying you've repressed sneezes just because you don't feel like sneezing), but I'll just "assume" it is repression for awhile and see what happens.


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## boxerkass (Jun 16, 2006)

I am currently engaged to my first girlfriend. I have dated some guys very breifly... but this is my first serious relatoinship and less then a year after we met we are enganged. I started at a club at my school, I forced myself to go every week just to get out and work on my anxiety. I would just sit in the corner quietly and leave right after the meeting was over. Sometimes if I felt brave I would even go out to the local pizza place with the other memebers but still sit in the corner not talking. One day this girl comes to the meeting and I cannot keep my eyes off her, I just think its a crush like always and I wont even talk to her, well lucky me she loves shy girls and came right up to me and just pursued me the whole night. She made me feel really comfortable and I opened up faster to her then I have ever before. From then on we have been best friends and inseperable. 
As quilty as I feel sometimes, I think that maybe I am so comfortable in this relationship and dedicated to it because I am scared that if I dont have her, I wont be able to get nother partner. I love her with all my heart, but sometimes I think that I am just scared of loosing her because I will have no one else. 
So in short, those I have dated have always came up to me first, if they made me feel comfortable, I talked to them and it clicked.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

scairy said:


> All I know is based on the few I've gone out with I have determined I am picky. At the sametime I feel like if I did find a girl that fit the bill I'd be wondering why she is with me.
> 
> But to answer your question I don't really wonder what it will be like to have a girl that understands sa. I don't think many people can really understand sa. If I was normal I know I wouldn't.


Those of us who are "dating challenged" need to be VERY careful about this. We have some sort of standard that we have the "perfect" girlfriend/boyfriend. There is no such thing; NOBODY is perfect. That means finding someone who is compatible both at the present (despite past baggage) and the future.

Personally, I have dating on the back burner. I have yet to meet any women who I have noticed any attraction towards me. You know what, that's all right. I need this time to discover myself as I overcome my SA .


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## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

I think that you have to be careful that you're not just in love with the idea of being in love. 

This analogy might be difficult to follow, but I'll do my best ...

I see attraction as a bit like walking down a very steep hill. You're at the top and someone you're attracted to is at the bottom. You REALLY want to get to them but you know that you have to hold yourself back because if you start running down the hill you won't be able to stop yourself and one or both of you is going to get hurt. Unfortunately it's all too easy to proceed with too much caution and you don't actually get any closer to where you want to be. Well, that's how it works with me and I've been stuck on top of this hill for 42 fricken years! :um


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## girrafe688 (Mar 5, 2008)

I met my boyfriend of one year on my High School's Music Forum. He added me, we chatted, and he asked me out to see a movie. (We had seen eachother around school so we knew that we weren't some creepy perv or something). I warned him I was EXTREMELY shy, and he warned me he was EXTREMELY talkative. He took the time and care to get me out of my shell, I wasn't really comfortable around him until the 4th or 5th month of dating. The first month, I was pretty much mute. But he accepted it, and now I talk his ear off. I honestly think us meeting was luck, because most of the guys I've dated before him got fed-up with my shyness and broke up with me, but somehow I met one that is, I'd like to say, perfect for me. We balance eachother out, and I'm very thankful to have him.


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## bender3008 (Jan 17, 2008)

Mark I'm 42 as well and single -One wonderful woman I was with for many years had SA too - she had been ridiculed, bullied and tormented for years over her weight. By males AND females. We met on a dating site, got to know each other on the phone and with pics (we were honest)
and then we decided the best thing to do was to both have a few drinks each,first, THEN get together right away and get really drunk-together. It worked. And it worked well.
We were living together for years (not drinking all the time of course haha) and still would be together except her business seriously got of the relationship (long story). The two were irreconcilable (Her line of work consumed every aspect of OUR lives, not just hers.)
We are still friends and communicate often.
Before just dismissing our idea---
give our plan a couple of minutes to sink in. for people with bad social anxiety, it's actually not as crazy as it sounds. It's not as crazy as letting our SA keep Cheryl and I from ever having what was a very good relationship.


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## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

That sounds like a good plan.  Now, as someone who's almost teetotal, how much beer and lemonade shandy would I have to consume to get drunk? 

I _am_ working on finding a way down from my hill. In the last couple of days I've been getting to know someone I "met" through Match. We spent over 2 hours talking via Yahoo Messenger yesterday and another hour this afternoon. I don't know if she's my type (how do you judge when you've never dated anyone?) or if I'm her type but she appreciates my sense of humour and sarcastic jokes, she hasn't fled after finding out my deepest, darkest secrets and, well, who knows what will happen? Well, thinking about it, she hasn't seen my picture yet... maybe if I can convince *her* to get drunk before I send it... :con


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## frodobo (Mar 13, 2008)

In my case, I go to sleep (or try to, when I'm not plagued with insomnia) dreaming not of sex, but of real intimacy with a woman - holding each other, stroking each other's hair, me reading to her in bed etc. Especially, talking and talking and talking. With SA, sex scares me, because I am obsessed that my anxiety would ensure the first time would be a joke. This is what holds me back from even considering approaching a woman. Society seems hell bent on sexual prowess nowadays, and that courtship must begin with an outstanding f*%k. IThe idea of spontaneously meeting someone, making a heart connection and sex following from that has gone out the door it seems. Consequently, I just don't ry anymore. Pity, because, even with SA, when I get close to someone, I'm extremely open and intimate and I'm sure I'd make a grat partner and father. I wish I could meet a woman who doesn't need me to be sexually brilliant immediately and who would be prepared o take the time to just get to know me and like me first. Sadly, I don't think that will happen now. The world has changed and women seem harder and less feminine nowadays. But perhaps thats just my fear of women due to the SA. Do others feel similarly?
Chris


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## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

That was how I felt as well, Chris, but at the risk of boring everyone stiff (no pun intended) let me tell you more about the girl I met on Match this week... oh yeah, I'm a 42 yo old guy with no previous relationships or experience, if you missed that episode...

We exchanged emails to begin with and she asked what made me sad, happy, etc. - "honest answers, please". I said "Sad - thinking about my life. Happy - NOT thinking about my life". We connected via IM and she asked me to explain which I did with total honesty... "Surely there must have been some friends and lovers along the way?"... "Not so you'd notice". I 'fessed up about never having a GF and the reasons why. The next day I could tell she wanted to ask if I was a virgin but she chickened out. I toyed with her for a while trying to get her to ask outright but she said her "personal question" was just too personal. Eventually I said "Whew, thank God that you didn't want to know if I'm still a virgin!". That really caught her off guard and when I gave her the answer, the combination of my inexperience, total honesty and humour really blew her away. She didn't laugh AT me, she didn't freak out and she fully understood how I felt and how awkward it must feel. "Some woman is going to have an amazing time training you up", she said. If we hadn't been 50 miles apart I'm fairly certain that my education would have started that very night. It could have been the best 10 seconds of her life!  

Sooo... my point is, although it might seem highly unlikely that we'll ever meet someone and it might seem quite freaky to us to be like this, once people are over the initial shock, it can actually work in our favour. You just need to find the right woman, be totally honest when the time comes despite the embarrassment and see what happens. It's easy to say, I know, but although I was skeptical before, I do now believe that it's possible to find someone who can see the person behind the shy smile and to overcome this embarrassing "condition".


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## saresare43 (Mar 15, 2008)

ya i have never even had a boyfriend but how can i? i cant even talk to guys.....


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## Shauna (Jul 29, 2006)

....


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

I don't care anymore. It's all nice and repressed now. Works for me!


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

njodis said:


> I don't care anymore. It's all nice and repressed now. Works for me!


:lol


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## nightmahr (Jan 2, 2008)

njodis said:


> I don't care anymore. It's all nice and repressed now. Works for me!


Take me with you?


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## Mc Borg (Jan 4, 2008)

I'll die alone. :sigh


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

markx said:


> I think that you have to be careful that you're not just in love with the idea of being in love.
> 
> This analogy might be difficult to follow, but I'll do my best ...
> 
> I see attraction as a bit like walking down a very steep hill. You're at the top and someone you're attracted to is at the bottom. You REALLY want to get to them but you know that you have to hold yourself back because if you start running down the hill you won't be able to stop yourself and one or both of you is going to get hurt. Unfortunately it's all too easy to proceed with too much caution and you don't actually get any closer to where you want to be. Well, that's how it works with me and I've been stuck on top of this hill for 42 fricken years! :um


Fantastic Analogy!


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

frodobo said:


> Sadly, I don't think that will happen now. The world has changed and women seem harder and less feminine nowadays. But perhaps thats just my fear of women due to the SA. Do others feel similarly?
> Chris


Yes I have similar feelings. I don't hold a grudge. I tie a lot of the change to women gaining freedoms which they deserve and entering the workforce which really requires a hardened person for success.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

There is no perfect guy/girl for any of us. That stuff that is seen in Romantic Comedies is fake, it's all about compromise.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

SAgirl said:


> There is no perfect guy/girl for any of us. That stuff that is seen in Romantic Comedies is fake, it's all about compromise.


This is my least favorite movie genre. They tend to be so unrealistic, predictable, and boring.

I don't tend to get empathy for the Hollywood models (both male/female) acting sad as if they are ugly or undesirable (as is sometimes expressed in the movies I have seen). I just don't buy the ridiculous premises and tabloid celebrity faces in the role of a person who might actually be struggling romantically. Give me a break.


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## LonelyEnigma (Jan 7, 2007)

frodobo said:


> In my case, I go to sleep (or try to, when I'm not plagued with insomnia) dreaming not of sex, but of real intimacy with a woman - holding each other, stroking each other's hair, me reading to her in bed etc. Especially, talking and talking and talking.


Wow, I thought I was the only one who did that. Every night, I hold my pillow and daydream about engaging in innocent activities with a lovely lady. Like you, I also do not dream about sex&#8230;.In fact, sex seems kind of disgusting to me. What I like to dream about, instead, is cuddling, kissing, benevolent talking, watching movies together, going on romantic vacations, hugging, walks along the river, holding hands, and most of all making her happy and seeing her smile.



frodobo said:


> I wish I could meet a woman who doesn't need me to be sexually brilliant immediately and who would be prepared o take the time to just get to know me and like me first. Sadly, I don't think that will happen now. The world has changed and women seem harder and less feminine nowadays. But perhaps thats just my fear of women due to the SA. Do others feel similarly?
> Chris


Yes, I agree. Most women are just as obsessed with sex as men are now. I think you and me were born in the wrong century. There was a time when it was not "cool" for a woman to be promiscuous&#8230;But that time has long since past. Now most women are just as promiscuous as men. They expect sex early on and if you don't provide it they think you're gay&#8230;.and most hate virgins. Ooh-well&#8230;I'm not going to become a male-$lut just so I can find a date&#8230;Fu*k it&#8230;I don't need anybody&#8230;I've been alone for 26 year I can be alone for another 26 years and beyond.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

SAgirl said:


> There is no perfect guy/girl for any of us. That stuff that is seen in Romantic Comedies is fake, it's all about compromise.


Eh I'd have to respectfully disagree with this. There are perfect matches or at least what I would consider perfect matches out there it is just a matter of it being mutual.


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## luckyluckylucky (Dec 30, 2007)

Used to being single, just got dumped but were going out for only a month so no real loss, kind of relieved...dating is kind of stressful! 

I have a feeling he just thought I was boring, can anyone relate?


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

The more someone takes an interest in me, the more boring/unappealing I try to come across. :lol

Maybe this doesn't happen in all instances, but it's often the result.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Ardrum

I command you to make someone hug you and to do a flooding experiment. Stay 'in hug' until the feelings of escape and disgust subside. Better than any shame attacking exercise.



Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Ardrum
> 
> I command you to make someone hug you and to do a flooding experiment. Stay 'in hug' until the feelings of escape and disgust subside. Better than any shame attacking exercise.
> 
> ...


Hahah! Hmm... Did I tell you I have had two professional massages in my life? One was about two years ago, and the other was almost a year ago. I was very uncomfortable with the idea on both occasions, but I had gift cards each time, and I would feel worse if I caved to avoidance (and guilty for not accepting the gift that was already paid for).

The first one was better than the second. It actually was much better than expected.

I was in a rather bad state of mind though with the second. It actually got worse over time. I felt tempted to just say that I had to leave in the middle of it (but the thought of that sounded even more awkward than soldiering it out).

As far as hugging goes, I don't have any hugging candidates. :stu

It's a good idea to keep in mind though.


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