# Why am I scared to look people in the eyes?



## tednugent2007

It's my biggest fear in life and probably the reason I have so much anxiety around people. Everytime someone is having a long conversation with me, I just can't keep eye contact with them. My mind starts racing and I'm so busy wondering what I look like and if I'm doing it right, that I miss what the person is saying. I can't even hold eye contact when I'm talking with my family. It's pretty f'ed up. I don't know how to get over it. I'm hoping my therapist has some ideas because I'm lost. The sad thing is, until I fix this problem, I don't have the confidence to go on dates. You know how awkward that would be? How could I ever enjoy a date without making eye contact with the girl? It seems like this should be so easy, but right now I find it impossible o do. I feel like I forgot how to use my eyes. lol uhhhhhh


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## SayHelloToSunshine

i have that problem too. usually i can only keep eye contact with people for about 5 seconds, then i start looking all around where im at and for some reason i begin thinking that im making a weird, ugly, unattractive look on muh face. the few people i can look in the eyes are my "friends". i cant even hold eye contact with my sister whom im very "close" to. i've had this problem since my SA started to flourish, which would be puberty yearz.


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## shyvr6

You need to start tackling your self esteem and confidence issues, and then you'll see a change with your eye contact problem. Talk to your therapist about that and see if they can recommend something.


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## jenkydora

In reality people may think whats with the dude with flighty eyes, but really they wont think about it beyond a few hours, may be even less time.They may be compassionate even, not everyone is a butt hole.
My response is bolder than usual , I'm saying without too much thought cause I've had three wines.
If it helps any dont look them in the eyes, I do remember what it was like especially if they were the piercing type, some people have them eyes, Kirsty alley has them eyes,too piercing.
look at the space between eyes the frown line area, they cannnot tell you are not giving them eye contact.


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## ardrum

Do you have any friends who know about your SA issues? You could set up staring contests with him/her to help you along! 

What do you fear will happen if you maintain eye contact regularly in a conversation? Specifically? Do you think they'll somehow be more likely to see you as flawed or unattractive if you make eye contact? In reality it seems that people, in general, prefer eye contact because you come across as being engaged and interested in what they have to say. The safety behavior, looking away and refusing to make eye contact, doesn't really protect you from anything of significance...in fact, it's actually more likely to make people less interested in you...because you'll come across as less interested in them.

CBT this stuff! 

What about photos you see online of someone staring at you... Can you maintain eye contact there, but just not in person?

This is an area I've improved so much in that it is really a non-issue now. I don't even think about or relate anymore to how I felt in the past (9-10 years ago, I wouldn't make eye contact at all). I think this is a problem VERY suitable for CBT though because it's easy to encounter people (plenty of test opportunities).


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## tednugent2007

I have no problem staring people in the eyes on tv, but when I come face to face with someone I freak out. It must be some sort of confidence issue. I don't know why I'm scared. I feel weird doing it... like I'm unsure how it's supposed to feel and look like when you're making eye contact. It just feels so unnatural for me. I can't even look my parents or sisters in the eyes without feeling weird. I'm stumped.


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## ardrum

It seems like maybe you're focusing on how you feel when you make eye contact rather than what's actually happening on the outside. If you don't feel anxiety with sterile images (like pictures or people looking at you on TV), then your anxiety is probably related to being seen (and then evaluated in some way, shape, or form).

But they still see you whether you look at them or not. 

If I were you, rather than focusing on how you feel when doing something challenging... I'd focus on what I think will happen. What will happen such that I need to have my defense system (fight-or-flight adrenaline/anxiety) up? 

You don't have that system up when it's just a picture, so you must not be sensing a significant enough danger there. What's the danger with real people then? What will happen (specifically, in what potentially threatening manner will they act) when you make prolonged eye contact (more than a second or two) with them?


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## tednugent2007

I guess I'm afraid I will make them uncomfortable because I'm making too much eye contact and it will seem weird. I also feel like they're invading my space when looking into my eyes for long periods. Dunno how to explain... but it just feels freaky. lol


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## ardrum

tednugent2007 said:


> I guess I'm afraid I will make them uncomfortable because I'm making too much eye contact and it will seem weird. I also feel like they're invading my space when looking into my eyes for long periods. Dunno how to explain... but it just feels freaky. lol


Hehe ok. So I'd try to figure out the visual clues that would indicate that they are uncomfortable. Otherwise, it's just speculation and the mind-reading fallacy. Try to come up with tangible indicators that can either be confirmed or disconfirmed. How will you know whether they are uncomfortable? Maybe write out some ideas for what would qualify as evidence that they are uncomfortable, alongside some visual clues of evidence that they are *not* uncomfortable. You want to get a good, testable framework around it before you even begin the testing phase.

The safety behavior is looking away and avoiding eye contact. What is the benefit that you think this behavior causes? Does it prevent them from acting in an uncomfortable or mean way? Does it make them act more comfortable and friendly? I'm not trying to answer for you, as obviously you only know the answer to that, hehe. This is another way though to come up with a testable way to see just how effective the safety behavior is from what you think it's protecting you from.

It can get pretty deep at times (for me at least), so I'd recommend writing it down as you get ideas. Just remember to make notes of things _that can be tested._ You can't read minds, so testing whether someone _feels_ this way or that way isn't going to be effective for either confirming or disconfirming anything. Keep the tests on a level that you can confirm or disconfirm with clear visual cues.


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## shyvr6

You don't have to stare into their eyes the entire time you're talking to them. Just look for brief periods, and then focus on their eyebrows or their nose for a short time, and then go back to their eyes and repeat. You can even look away completely for a short time, like glance at something on the wall or something your holding, and then look back at them.


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## ardrum

Ideally, you reach a point where you aren't even thinking about it. I went from extreme self-consciousness in regards to eye contact a decade ago to where I don't even think about it now (I'm just automatically making eye contact in presumably normal ways...it's not like anyone has scolded me for too little or too much).

I'm just not sure if increasing one's attention on how long they stare at this or that part of the face is going to reduce self-consciousness much. Too much planning = more perceived rules to follow = more opportunities to break perceived rules = more pressure = more anxiety.


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## dawn2006

I can only look their eyes a second, I think I am scared to look their eyes because they don't like me to look at them, if I look them they will hate me.


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## Hoppipolla

I never look people in the eyes. I look at their mouths. No one's noticed so maybe you should try it...?


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## UnOccupied

I know no ones posted here in a while, but i came across it in a Google search. Anyway, i have had major problems with this since i started becoming depressed, anxious, and just generally way too self aware/conscious. But, in the last month i have become way more comfortable with eye contact, to the point where i'm like, wow, how did i make this so difficult in the past? I think the reason i have become more confident is because of a lifestyle change i have made, which im not sure i should mention here, but i guess its given me that slight but of confidence i needed to more consistently feel i am allowed to look others in their eyes.

But, now my only problem is certain people. Theres certain people i cant make good eye contact. Surprisingly, its usually nice, quiet people that i have the most trouble looking in the eye. This is most likely because im a kind of loud person i guess, but get very shy around some people when im feeling scared. Like my confidence is very easily taken out from under me. I think most of my anxiety is because of my overbearing dad, i always feel like hes a part of me when i think im making a nice, quiet person feel uncomfortable, like when im looking them in the eye, and they show the slightest bit of discomfort.


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## Joe

i cant but i think it might be because a massive lack of sleep drags my eyes down, or feels like it. I feel drowzy if i look up for a while for a conversation, or in the same place


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## Freiheit

For some reason when I look people in the eyes I feel exposed and like people will either dislike how my face looks, or notice the insecurity I have bottled up inside by looking straight in my eyes. I'm nervous about other peoples' perception of me. When I look down or away I feel safer because it allows me to pretend that thay can't see me, sort of like the baby with peekaboo type of deal. It's definitely a self esteem problem.


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## Ashley1990

U seem so much as me..i m too suffering from this altough i work somewhere but when i have to make some eye contact..i cant make...it..i feel however confident but looking to their eyes i cant do it...


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## randomprecision

I remind myself to work on it form time to time but it still feels extemely weird. I usually just pretend to be preoccupied with something.


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## john5050

I am the same exact way!! I'm always afraid that when I do try to make eye contact people think I'm scared or nervous. Then I miss everything they say..


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## IvyAndRoses

I don't look people in the eyes unless I'm dating them. They say if you stare into someone's eyes for four minutes they'll feel like they're falling in love. Yet another reason not to do it. I forget where I read that though. Maybe it was television. 

But it's like exposing myself and I refuse to do that.

(Ironic, listening to "Make Me Wanna Die" - "Every time I look into your eyes, it makes me wanna die.")


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## Chopkinsca

I used to have a lot of problems with this in the past. It's a lot better now. I used to have an OT that would stop talking if I wasn't making eye contact. She wouldn't continue what she was saying until I looked her in the eyes. I find now that while I do make eye contact, I spend more of my time looking at their nose/mouth.


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## shahul

I too have this problem since last 2 years.
I dont know how this happen to me.
Before 2 years i can able to look the peoples face, but now i cannot look peoples face but looking into their's eye.For 1st 10 to 15 secs i can look at face but after that eye automatically starts look peoples eye which makes that people uncomfortable and i can understand that the guy has realized that i am looking into a portion of face or particular place in the face rather then his face as a whole which makes uncomfortable to him.

Actually this problem affecting my job interview result.I really missed some jobs in interviews because of this problem.Because when i look into the Interviewer eye , cannot able to listen what they telling and even i hope they cannot listen what i am telling.

How can overcome this problem
Can any one helps how to look people's face as a whole while talking instead looking into their eyes.


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## john kimble

Practice looking at yourself in the mirror and say a couple things to yourself too. While your at it, maybe smile or laugh. Also, look at both of your eyes. Like literally turn your eyes from one eye to the next. You dont always have to look at them directly. Its ok to turn your head once in awhile. This helped me alot and I think its a great practice from being outside your comfort zone.


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## rac1000

*same problem*

well i also have the same problem to some extent.start talking to peoples especially beautiful girls and it will solve ur problem.do yoga that will cure you totally.


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## azdude123

*fear of looking people in the eyes*

ive had this for years now. it came into my life when i was about 20 years old and has NOT gone since. i feel like a lot of people here in this and other forums... i use to have a lot of friends, now very few. i use to have a beautiful girlfriend, now nothing close... no girl would be interested in some dude that cant look her in they eyes, or listen to what she says... the instant i look someone in they eyes i become so drawn in that i cant even focus in on what they are saying, so i look away and try to think of what the last word they said was and just "bull****" my way into them thinking i was paying attention..... i would give the world to just have one day where this problem was gone and i was able to socialize with my coworkers and family, and not have them walk away thinking "how awkward was that conversation"..... its depressing, so depressing and lonely that i sometimes want to just end it all very quickly. not so much now as i did when this first came into my life. the first couple years i thought of suicide (and with much detail) probably 3-5 times a day, sometimes even more... now its probably once a week to once a month... but the fact is im still so miserable that i think of suicide. i cant tell you how many therapists, doctors and psychologists i've been to. i dont know what to do anymore, and up until i found this place i though i was the only one with this disorder. someone from another forum mentioned that he started working out and eating healthier, which i have spent the last few years doing myself, it helps, a little. but nowhere near gone. i also have cut way back on drinking and partying... it just makes my anxiety and SAD (social anxiety disorder) much much worse... god i wish there was a solution to all of this...


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD

tednugent2007 said:


> It's my biggest fear in life and probably the reason I have so much anxiety around people. Everytime someone is having a long conversation with me, I just can't keep eye contact with them. My mind starts racing and I'm so busy wondering what I look like and if I'm doing it right, that I miss what the person is saying. I can't even hold eye contact when I'm talking with my family. It's pretty f'ed up. I don't know how to get over it. I'm hoping my therapist has some ideas because I'm lost. The sad thing is, until I fix this problem, I don't have the confidence to go on dates. You know how awkward that would be? How could I ever enjoy a date without making eye contact with the girl? It seems like this should be so easy, but right now I find it impossible o do. I feel like I forgot how to use my eyes. lol uhhhhhh


shame. as in your help tightly in that emotions grip.


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## Aries33

yer i get like that sometimes its like i feel as though there's too much personal attention on me, as though im not worthy of there attention, what i try to do is look at something else on there face, if you keep eye contact for a little while then look away its fine nobody notices it but if someone is talking to you and your not giving them any eye contact at all they'll try even harder to make sure you engaged in there's, you can usually hear in by the tone of there voice if you weren't, imagine yourself in another persons shoes ,you can even try to look at there eye brows instead this may help you alot more then when your ready just work your way down


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## NjoyDfriendZ

*I can only do this if i make myself believe that im the bigger person, for instance ill kinda have a mean/intimidating look on my face then usually the other person will cease to make eye contact.*


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## Aries33

I know how its must feel to be feelings suicidal i was once like that , those thoughts nagged me day in and day out but i think your doing a great job by looking after your health , you know i too have hardly any friends ( 2 friends that i don't keep in contact with) but i find if you be your own best friend others will be drawn to good things in yourself thus creating new friends, i know it doesn't always happen straight away but it will happen, i guess the best medicine for us Social anxiety sufferers is to engage in as much social contact with others as possible, i hate being alone too



azdude123 said:


> ive had this for years now. it came into my life when i was about 20 years old and has NOT gone since. i feel like a lot of people here in this and other forums... i use to have a lot of friends, now very few. i use to have a beautiful girlfriend, now nothing close... no girl would be interested in some dude that cant look her in they eyes, or listen to what she says... the instant i look someone in they eyes i become so drawn in that i cant even focus in on what they are saying, so i look away and try to think of what the last word they said was and just "bull****" my way into them thinking i was paying attention..... i would give the world to just have one day where this problem was gone and i was able to socialize with my coworkers and family, and not have them walk away thinking "how awkward was that conversation"..... its depressing, so depressing and lonely that i sometimes want to just end it all very quickly. not so much now as i did when this first came into my life. the first couple years i thought of suicide (and with much detail) probably 3-5 times a day, sometimes even more... now its probably once a week to once a month... but the fact is im still so miserable that i think of suicide. i cant tell you how many therapists, doctors and psychologists i've been to. i dont know what to do anymore, and up until i found this place i though i was the only one with this disorder. someone from another forum mentioned that he started working out and eating healthier, which i have spent the last few years doing myself, it helps, a little. but nowhere near gone. i also have cut way back on drinking and partying... it just makes my anxiety and SAD (social anxiety disorder) much much worse... god i wish there was a solution to all of this...


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## the warrior yeti

You all have described me perfectly! Even though I know that everything logical says I should feel plenty comfortable around people, I just panic. Trying to fight it only makes it worse. My defenses are something akin to the defensive power an ant on a sidewalk has over a giant foot.


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## sector9

I actually have the opposite problem and I'm not sure why people don't look me in the eye. When others look me in the eye I see them as having confidence and having a strong personality. If you can look a person in the eye you should have a positive effect on them and impress them. If girls weren't so nervous around me and actually looked me in the eye I'd be stoked.


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## MissGemmaRogers

Omgosh im exactly the same. its terrible. if i look at someone for more than 10 seconds while talking to them i feel like im staring and that they'll think im weird so i look away and then i worry they'll think im weird so i look back but then it feels awkward and omgod it sucks.


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## azdude123

this is my second post. thank you *Aries33* for responding to my last post. this "fear" has affected my life so much, probably because i was once and still try to be very social. i work at the biggest bar in my city and i socialize with many of the people that come in. i also am about to graduate with a math and engineering degree, and will be going back in the fall of 2012 for pre-med and than med school. its so difficult to attend all of the meetings that im required to attend and "contain myslef" (so to speek). my boss, co-workers, and even my family all know i have something going on with the way i look at them (at least i think so). they all have their own way of talking to me and looking at me when i go into a conversation with them. some avoid me all together to avoid the awkwardness. i use to be so good at socializing. it was one of my best attributes. lol i mean i dated the high school prom queen!! lol.... and she was the most beautiful girl ive ever met in my life, and her parents loved me. now i would be so nervous to meet a girls parents, id just embarrass myself. ive worked at three different engineering companies, other bars, and gone to 4 different colleges and ive made awkward scenarios at every one, whether i was in a meeting, or just a simple co-worker to co-worker/ student to student conversation. my anxiety use to be so much worse than it is now. i use to get such short breath i though i was going to pass out several times right there in a meeting, or in class. ive straight got up and walked out of the classroom several times thinking that if i didnt i would black out right there on the desk... people just look at me all weird like "is this dude on drugs? why is he breathing like that?"... i had a co-worker once say out of the blue "man you need to figure things out, maybe cut back on the coffee or something". i got so pissed, i just walked away.... i dont even drink coffee!... now my anxiety has shifted from the short of breath to this weird moving my hands and feet.. almost like im not sure how fast to move my hands or even when to move them... how do you loose yourself so much that you forget how to look at people and move your limbs?... does anybody know the name of this weird moving thing, or even the fear of looking people in the eyes thing? im determined to get my life back, its not healthy to live in this much misery.


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## ericoray

*I can help you!*



azdude123 said:


> ive had this for years now. it came into my life when i was about 20 years old and has NOT gone since. i feel like a lot of people here in this and other forums... i use to have a lot of friends, now very few. i use to have a beautiful girlfriend, now nothing close... no girl would be interested in some dude that cant look her in they eyes, or listen to what she says... the instant i look someone in they eyes i become so drawn in that i cant even focus in on what they are saying, so i look away and try to think of what the last word they said was and just "bull****" my way into them thinking i was paying attention..... i would give the world to just have one day where this problem was gone and i was able to socialize with my coworkers and family, and not have them walk away thinking "how awkward was that conversation"..... its depressing, so depressing and lonely that i sometimes want to just end it all very quickly. not so much now as i did when this first came into my life. the first couple years i thought of suicide (and with much detail) probably 3-5 times a day, sometimes even more... now its probably once a week to once a month... but the fact is im still so miserable that i think of suicide. i cant tell you how many therapists, doctors and psychologists i've been to. i dont know what to do anymore, and up until i found this place i though i was the only one with this disorder. someone from another forum mentioned that he started working out and eating healthier, which i have spent the last few years doing myself, it helps, a little. but nowhere near gone. i also have cut way back on drinking and partying... it just makes my anxiety and SAD (social anxiety disorder) much much worse... god i wish there was a solution to all of this...


I know your pain! I suffered with this problem for 10 years of my life and it nearly ruined me completely! Then I tried an excercise which worked and now my life has changed dramatically. I have started a blog to try and help others do the same and beat this horrible affliction...www.nofear.me.uk.... I hope I can help you and others as I helped myself.


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## samuel89

I have the same problem with most of you here, which affect me daily in my life, i was unable to make any eye contact with anyone even unable to make eye contact with my family too. 
It could be bad not having any eye contact when someone talking to me and they may think i'm a rude person or "trying to be smart" or just dont care anything they saying.
I have no problem when looking far into someone eye, but when its close i will feel scared, because im ugly i scared they will look and say that im ugly to me , this will drive me crazy even when thinking of it .


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## Cletis

Because you've got SA, ted.


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## ericoray

*I can help!*



samuel89 said:


> I have the same problem with most of you here, which affect me daily in my life, i was unable to make any eye contact with anyone even unable to make eye contact with my family too.
> It could be bad not having any eye contact when someone talking to me and they may think i'm a rude person or "trying to be smart" or just dont care anything they saying.
> I have no problem when looking far into someone eye, but when its close i will feel scared, because im ugly i scared they will look and say that im ugly to me , this will drive me crazy even when thinking of it .


Hi There

I had this problem too, but I over came it. See my blog nofear.me.uk. I have created the blog to try and help people do the same. Let me know if my advice works!

Cheers
Ben


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## samuel89

Thank ericoray i will surely try out those advice, but i guess it may going to take some time to see some effect. I will pm you on the outcome after perhaps 2weeks of trying xD.


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## Bjkneubuhler

I hate it so much. I wish it would just end. I feel like if I could look people in the eyes I could conquer the world.

I was wondering if this happens to you where your eyes get big when someone looks/talks to you and then you intimidate them but you really don't mean to....you are just scared to look them in the eye and thats your response.

i dk... i really just want to get tinted glasses...i feel like that may help


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## Guardian0319

*Laughing at me*

Sometimes when people greet me with a smile when being introduced, I interpret their smile as though they were laughing at me. I know this is rooted in my past history with bullying and scapegoating. It's a weird thing.


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## Dr Hobo Scratch MD

tednugent2007 said:


> It's my biggest fear in life and probably the reason I have so much anxiety around people. Everytime someone is having a long conversation with me, I just can't keep eye contact with them. My mind starts racing and I'm so busy wondering what I look like and if I'm doing it right, that I miss what the person is saying. I can't even hold eye contact when I'm talking with my family. It's pretty f'ed up. I don't know how to get over it. I'm hoping my therapist has some ideas because I'm lost. The sad thing is, until I fix this problem, I don't have the confidence to go on dates. You know how awkward that would be? How could I ever enjoy a date without making eye contact with the girl? It seems like this should be so easy, but right now I find it impossible o do. I feel like I forgot how to use my eyes. lol uhhhhhh


toxic shame sir!!! internalized toxic shame. consult the toxic shame thread and read the book - healing the shame that binds you.


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## Jinxx

I'm scared to look others in the eyes for too long as well. Its intense to me. Its like I'm staring into their soul or something. I also wonder how ridiculous I look in their eyes due to my insecurity.


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## progrestinating

*Solution*

Here are a couple of techniques

http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog/6-ways-to-dramatically-improve-your-eye-contact-skills/

However i had the same problem and i found that the only way to win is to beat the other person at their game. For example they want to stare into your eyes? Fine but i will not look away until they do. The moment they do you have made them insecure!

Another tactic is to use your own body language such as smiling now and then. Or by focus on a piece of item you have then resuming eye contact again. but do not break eye contact to return to this item. Once is more than enough.

Or the best method, after long conatct, break contact and gaze them up and down, and focus on anything about them. It could be an item of clothing, jewelerry, hairstyle, shoes, soemthing they are holding. if you can notice a weak point focus on it or even mention it as a joke. They will become insecure and will not want you to focus on this particular point. They will be grateful for your eye contact again.

Last of all remember: The socially right thing to do is give attention to the person you are conversing with. If they cannot appreciate or handle the fact you are giving them your undivided attention then they can **** off!

It is not gay, wierd, clingy, needy, aggressive, displaying affection, displaying too much interest. Get this idea out of your head. The socially right thing to do is give someone eye contact. It shows appreciation are then, respect etc. If they cannot handle your token gesture then they are insecure.


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## Ssupport

This is a problem with your attention or what you called the awareness. This is not anxiety. 
You can only put your awareness in one object at a time. Awareness or attention CAN NOT MULTITASK. 
When you meet some one face to face. IF YOU LOOK AT THEIR FACE YOU SEE THE FACE. IF LOOK AT NOSE YOU SEE THE NOSE. IF YOU HEAR WHAT THEY SAY YOU JUST HEAR WHAT THEY SAY. At this point please realize you CANT SEE & HERE AT THE SAME TIME. Notice when you look at the face, you don't really communicate and you don't hear as well.

You have to adjust you attention to focus on what the other say or what you say to the other. NOT to the eye or nose or face.

On this attempt, your mind will try to pull your attention out and try & focus again to the eyes or face. Try to listen to the speech engage your mind to the speech.

NOT that you can not look in the eye. NO Body look in the eye when talking to someone. Awareness is on the conversation NOT in the eye or face.

When a normal person communicates face to face, he has no idea of the other persons face or eye. Cos full attention/awareness is on the communication so the face or the eye mutes or irrelevant but visible in the back ground further FACE,EYE is not in awareness.

Practice this for couple of years. You will get rid of the issue.
hope this helps. All the best


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## MrO8livious

I find it helps if you pretend you're trying to stare through them at something that's behind them but yeah I find it very difficult to maintain eye contact too.


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## mcgilicutty

Good thread.


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## loneranger

I still have fear to make eye contact with other guys. I had a co-worker about a couple years back tell me not to be scared of him because I couldn't make eye-contact with him. Then recently a new co-worker after I avoided eye-contact with him several times, said hello to me and now lost my fear of making eye-contact with him. He realized I was just shy or strange. That was cool. I have to try to make more eye-contact with everyone.


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## nofear111

*I Can help!*

Hi there, I too had this problem, of not being able to look at people in the eyes, for ten years and then I found a way to cure myself. I have created a blog, which many people with the same problem have benefited from, it is nofear.me.uk (copy and paste nofear.me.uk into your address bar). Let me know how you get on using my method. Cheers, you can beat this! Ben.


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## nofear111

*I cured myself of fear of looking into peoples eyes!*

I used to have this problem and cured myself with auto suggestion. I have made a blog about how I did it. I am not selling or even advertising anything on the site. Please go to www.nofear.me.uk.


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## Imnotstupid

Dude sometimes before I go out to like social events I start to have small panic attacks it sucks I feel like some kind if darkness takes over me and doesn't want me to go and have a good time. I feel scared of nothing but looking completely creepy and creeping everyone out and ruining everyone's joy and my own of course. I see visuals in my head of being awkward and creepy and being a downer while I'm talking to people and meeting people. And I can hardly breath and my body aches. It ****ing sucks I hate it. It makes me want to stay inside and hide. It's so embarrassing and it really annoys me cuz I want to smile and laugh and do fun things with friends and even meet new friends and stuff but my brain and body start freezing and freaking out. I just want to love people and have fun with them and be loved by them as well. This is so annoying. I feel like crying and never leaving my house again. I'm like stuck or frozen inside of my head.


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## Imnotstupid

Reading about what you all say about ur anxiety really helps me and it gives me strength and I feel like I have you guys as backup. I love you all.


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## Imnotstupid

One thing that really helps me it keeping a smile on my face even if its a small one because they say that simply displaying an emotion on your face affects your mood you will feel what emotion ur displaying I used to display a blank face because I was scared and I felt nothing but annoyance and anxiety. Now I keep a smile on my face all day long and it definitely helps me stay in a good mood and helps me see the good things in life like beautiful things and funny things it awesome. That feeling of being annoyed by the anxiety of being in public has turned into excitement you never know what good thing is going to happen or what funny thing is going to happen or what good people you are ging to meet. I also read that tight muscles cause anxiety so I try to stretch a lot I feel it a lot in my neck usually sometimes my back. I also heard that self pleasuring urself gives u social anxiety like masturbating and looking at porn really lowers ur self esteem so I've been off that for a little over a month and I honestly feel a lot less afraid and ashamed i feel more confident and positive and happy with life in general like Its like I got my own power back to be happy and follow my heart it came back little by little and still is. Reading and writing on these forums help a lot too. Medication made me feel like I was out of control I felt just off taking them and my Therapist helped a little.


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## Imnotstupid

Sometimes I get bored with people and I'd rather focus in myself. I feel selfish sometimes. But I gotta take care of número UNO!


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## Alonglife

Glad to hear im not the only one with this problem. 

For me, if im talking to a girl, I feel like when I look them in the eyes im staring to much like im trying to hit on them or stare to deeply into there eyes.

And if im talking to a dude, I feel like im being gay and he think im gay because im looking into his eyes. 

I cant look anyone in the eyes longer then a second for these two reasons. The only time I dont think about it at all is when ive managed to have a few xanax bars, after that I dont even think about it at all. I have such a great time because I feel like im normal and have zero anxiety and im confident and even if i did give off the wrong vibe i could just shrug it off. 

But the xanax runs out fast


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## trippyalien

i have the same problem too, i was at a doctor's appointment and I wasn't looking at the doctor so my mom enterrupted the doctor and told me would you look up! how rude of you. I was already bad enough going through all that anxiety it was extremely embarrassing and I wanted to cry. I guess my mom just doesn't understand social anxiety, it sucks I wish I could get rid of it.


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## SmartCar

tednugent2007 said:


> It's my biggest fear in life and probably the reason I have so much anxiety around people. Everytime someone is having a long conversation with me, I just can't keep eye contact with them. My mind starts racing and I'm so busy wondering what I look like and if I'm doing it right, that I miss what the person is saying. I can't even hold eye contact when I'm talking with my family. It's pretty f'ed up. I don't know how to get over it. I'm hoping my therapist has some ideas because I'm lost. The sad thing is, until I fix this problem, I don't have the confidence to go on dates. You know how awkward that would be? How could I ever enjoy a date without making eye contact with the girl? It seems like this should be so easy, but right now I find it impossible o do. I feel like I forgot how to use my eyes. lol uhhhhhh


I Can seriously relate to that:yes throughout maybe..mid middle school to high school, i had issues with eye contact, i only remember high school, middle..iam not sure if remember much..i didn't even notice whether i was making eye contact with someone or not:no in high school it was dangerous:afr but funny enough i didn't realize it was really bad till i had a parent teacher conference, & my dad tugged me on my back to make eye contact i was so embarrassed:blush:fall..but then strangely from that day forward, i started somewhat looking people in the eye..now i can do it, maybe only for a certain amount of time, i can't gaze but i can look at their eye..& if it gets uncomfortable i look at their lips, then glance back at their eyes..it's probably worse..though if they're attractive..but even then i sometimes manage..i am not telling u this & expecting you'll be an expert, but a tip i have..if it's not too much trouble is to look at their lips, if it's not too hard..or the space between their eyebrows..likely they may not notice..but maybe just try glancing at their eyes, look away then look back:yes however for me when i am walking in a crowd i still get a bit shaky especially if someone is coming in my direction, i easily look above their heads, if i look at people's faces in a crowd..i just:fall


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## A name

For me it's weird, before I found out what SA really was my reason for not looking people in the eye when talking was I just thought it was weird to stare at a person for a long period of time. Then I found out it was something that people with SA commonly do. I'm not really sure if I do it out of habit or because of my SA.


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## whekonation

It sucks that it has become such a habit for me to not look people in the eyes. Ever since I was young, I avoided eye contact because it always made me uncomfortable. Now that I'm older, I can't break the habit. The main thing that I'm thinking about when having a conversation is whether I am making good eye contact and not acting weird. It really takes away from the conversation.


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## silverstreak

I think one reason I avoid eye contact is because people always tell me that I have an expressionless "b****" face, and I feel like if I look someone square in the eye, they might get the wrong impression that I'm mad at them.


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## Starless Sneetch

Alonglife said:


> Glad to hear im not the only one with this problem.
> 
> For me, if im talking to a girl, I feel like when I look them in the eyes im staring to much like im trying to hit on them or stare to deeply into there eyes.
> 
> And if im talking to a dude, I feel like im being gay and he think im gay because im looking into his eyes.


This is almost exactly how I feel, too! This is the reason I don't look people in the eyes. 
The other reason is the fact that I don't know how much is appropriate. Do I stare too much?

One trick I have heard is to look at the person's forehead. To them, it appears that you are looking in their eyes, but you don't have to deal with that dread of someone staring back at you.

Unfortunately, I usually forget this trick when I am in conversations!


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## lovepeacehappiness

i have that problem also.Even with close friends,I tend to wonder what they are thinking a lot and almost have to force myself to keep eye contact.


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## thrilla in manila

I have problems doing it when I'm saying goodbye to someone. I think because a lot of times when I'm enjoying someone's company, I get sad when we have to part.


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## mnf 7

lovepeacehappiness said:


> i have that problem also.Even with close friends,I tend to wonder what they are thinking a lot and almost have to force myself to keep eye contact.


Well i have also this problem.I cannot look the most people into eyes. Once I should play in a play in local theater and I should see my "wife" into eyes for a lot of time. So I said myself I will be very stressed but I'll do it. It was very difficult but I partially did it.It was very difficult, I felt My stomach such a knot. It was the first step. At school I found a person that I could saw her in eyes very easily so I tried to talk more with her and I was trying to see her into eyes all the time. It was easy with her but with others it is still difficult. Nowadays I try to look whoever I see or talk with into eyes I try it for two months and it is effective!!! So try it too and if you cannot tell the others you have this problem and they will understand you.Hope i've helped


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## samsirsy

Hello guys( i am from Egypti and new here first time to comment) i have the same problem and it sucks , i have been through this from 8 years .i have tried thousands of methods to focus and my biggest fear is looking at someone's eyes , as i lose my concentrate and stare at ppl and then i feel embarrassed ,gay or mad. I found a little thing might help which is how to understand wat u hear from ppl like the mechanism of awareness which i ill describe..(firstly i ill talk about the old way we used to do to understand ppl which is -- we look then hear then try to force ourselves to understand the word or the conversation which make us confused ...
..------- the new way ----
i found we dont need time to understand the thing like we understand straight away and our brain is waiting for wat coming next so we need to focus on wat saying nw and next this way help ur brain wake up .. it's only my view of point i hope its right i am only try to help try this during watch ur television first and if it works let me know thank u


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## jimity

I have this problem. When someone is talking to me I'm not sure how long I'm supposed to stare them in the eye before breaking eye contact. Sometimes I know I'm beginning to stare and it feels real uncomfortable so I break eye contact. 

I remember when my brother used to live at home and he was telling me things that happenend at work, I'd just stand there staring at the floor. He never used to say anything but now that I think about it, it must have looked weird as hell.


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## Shadowweaver

I used to have this problem. You are right, it can totally ruin any social interaction. One of the things I noticed is that, when you focus your sight on anything, you naturally stop breathing deeply because this focus signals your system to become tense and strained - and you become quickly exhausted in any conversation. And, with breathing, your muscles tense too, your facial muscles become strained. It is horrible.

Here is how I fixed (not permanently, but for most of the time). I now do not focus my sight on other people's eyes. I look "behind" the people, with my eyes relaxed, as you do when you look at one of those magic eye pictures. People's faces appear a bit blurry this way, which only helps me focus more on the conversation than on their reactions - and they never see the difference; well, I suppose, they can see the difference if they are really close to me, but no one ever said anything to me about that.

This way, you remain totally relaxed even during a very long conversation, if you manage to sustain this look. With practice, you will be able to do this all of the time. Actually, I believe most of those people who appear confident in eye contact do the same thing, they relax their eyes as opposed to focusing them, and this is what lets them freely use their gestures and facial expressions with total comfort.


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## samsirsy

This problem is anxiety, so fight ur sadness and u wont remember it , believe me . The anxiety is which make u live in ur own world , be happy and u ill win over this problem .


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## DementedFuschia

Lol I have a problem where when I try to look someone in the eye I can only look in one of their eyes..it's so embarrassing


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## irshad

I had the same problem so what I'm did first was focussing on eyebrows when i am comfortable with that then i start focussing on eye balls and in between conversation again if i become uncomfortable i shift focus back to eyebrows and then back to eyeballs.
This way the opposite person dont get aware and uncomfortable.
Those who use eye glasses or stare other than that person will actually making uncomfortable conversation


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## Onthelow

For me, it's not a problem initiating eye contact. It's more so maintaining it. I begin to start to feel inadequate and like I'm doing something wrong (guilt/low self esteem).

I'm currently seeing a social worker for therapy, but don't feel like she's really helping me as much as past therapists. I'd like to see a psychologist who can help me build self esteem, but feel nervous telling this to my current social worker.


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## BAH

When you look into the eyes of evil,evil will look right back at you


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## DanTheOutlaw

I was going to make a topic about this today.

If I make eye contact with another male (could be a 11 year old kid) my heart goes mental, I get nervous and look away after about 2 seconds because I'm intimidated.


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## lolmazz96

fear to eye contact is when your amigdala (part of the brain that processes fears) is hyperactive, which is the oposite in psychopaths (hypoactive). this is a classic symptom of social anxiety.

try to sleep well to have your serotonin levels regulated, expose yourself to the sun everyday in the morning to gain serotonin. eat healthy, try san juan's herb.with your serotonin regulated you'll relax your body, your amygdala, everything, and you'll realize they are just eyes, and are no thread to you.


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## samsirsy

i found its low self esteem issue and to solve it . u should believe in yourself that you are important(treat ppl like u are someone important . talk with fully self confident ..... now its been 9 years suffering this issue , i tried everything Doctors,medicines,forcing myself to concentrate , i hope this method will work for us ......... you are a great person , do not ever think you are smaller than ppl . try this and let me know the results . thank u from Egypt


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## TheHopeless

Because the eyes are the window to the soul, and the human soul is an endless vortex of evil.


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## vocaltonata31

I am soo the same way! I usually just look at the mouth. It helps me to understand what they are saying; as if confirming that what I am hearing is most likely the words that are coming of their mouth (!!). After a couple seconds I have to look away even if they seem to be "looking" for my eyes, as if they have lost my attention. 

A lot of times I am not able to keep up with what we are talking about, my mind wanders off, and I begin to just nod and "mmm hmmm" so as to not be rude, although I begin to feel they can recognize it and just don't want to call me out.


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## visualkeirockstar

Don't do it or they'll take your soul.


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## Zyriel

The eyes always show a person's true emotions, whether they be sadness, fear, anger, happiness, shame, contempt, etc. People's faces can lie and usually do, especially if the smile doesn't reach the eyes. Most people in general wear a mask they show the world and many over time, become that mask.

For myself, I usually try to avoid eye contact with people I like, since I don't want to stare them down lol. In a conversation, I usually end up looking up to the left a lot since I'm usually thinking about something and trying to envision what another person is saying or if it's even possible, since a lot of people espouse bull**** lol. By myself, I think I look down to the right a lot for internal dialog. In all honesty though, I doubt most people pay attention to what another person is doing or even saying, they're too busy listening to the sound of their own voice lol.

Here's a site with eye body language:
http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/parts_body_language/eyes_body_language.htm

Take into consideration though, different cultures have different eye body language. For example, many East Asian cultures, looking down is a sign of deference and is usually expected amongst elders and such.


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## CrazyEd

The eye contact problem is the bulk of my issues now. I simply can't make it and it has gotten worse. If you can't make eye contact you're really screwed in this world.

My problem is that if I make eye contact with anyone my eyes twitch away, and this will freak anyone out. So I am scared to make eye contact because I will freak the people out, and have freaked countless people out already.

It seems to be uncontrollable and an involuntary response to a degree, like I notice if I look at my pets eyes I will also twitch my eyes away sometimes. But I can then make eye contact with my pet after this while a human I can not.

My eye contact is so bad that when I make it I get a pulse through my body, like a "fight or flight response" the second I make it.

I'm lost what to do but I'm going to try and man up about it. Someone mentioned "auto suggestion" techniques so I am going to try that and try and just man up about it. I might also decide to just look everyone in the eye even if it freaks them out. I think you have to learn not to care about freaking people out to get better with it.


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## samsirsy

hi guys I found the solution and its 100% the cure ... (when you talk with someone do not listen if u care about listen every single word u wont understand so try this method dont listen and ur brain ill work perfectly and u ill understand without paying all that attention to the conversation ... Thanx


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## Zyriel

samsirsy said:


> hi guys I found the solution and its 100% the cure ... (when you talk with someone do not listen if u care about listen every single word u wont understand so try this method dont listen and ur brain ill work perfectly and u ill understand without paying all that attention to the conversation ... Thanx


So what happens when they ask a question that you should have been listening to? Just sounds rude to me lol. That's specifically why, I ask people "do you know what I mean?", "right?", "what do you think?", "why's that?" or something to make sure we're on the same wavelength. Otherwise it's just a waste of my time to even mention anything. I would expect the same courtesy shown by the opposing party. Well unless it's a bull**** conversation in the first place haha, then it's just "Oh yeah sorry, not gonna lie, I wasn't even listening^^;;" usually to people I know better though lol.


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## samsirsy

Hi Zyriel  what am i trying to say is do not force yourself to listen because it ill make u more anxious , i didn't mean don't listen to ppl i know that will be rude and ppl will hate talking to u , i just want to explain the idea which i ill change the way i said it from (don't listen) to (don't make ur mind busy by listening ) i want u too feel free at the conversation 
i want to give u a clue try to watch TV and don't focus on listening focus on wats going on because u cant do 2 things same time listening or knowing wat is happening and i said u ill understand the conversation thank u Zyriel.


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## reaching nirvana

*Do you have moments of sociability?*

Sometimes I get bursts of sociability and get really chatty, bubbly, and eager for conversation. In moments like this, my SA is completely gone and I just get caught up in the flow of interaction. I have made people laugh and say that they really enjoy talking to me. I had one of these episodes with a friend, and she said she thought a lot of people would like me if only I spoke more and wasn't so guarded all the time. Problem is these carefree moments are rare and spontaneous, and most of the time my SA makes me basically mute and awkward. Anyone experience anything similar? God, I wish I was just "carefree" all the time! I don't even know what triggers these moments.


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## Zyriel

samsirsy said:


> Hi Zyriel  what am i trying to say is do not force yourself to listen because it ill make u more anxious , i didn't mean don't listen to ppl i know that will be rude and ppl will hate talking to u , i just want to explain the idea which i ill change the way i said it from (don't listen) to (don't make ur mind busy by listening ) i want u too feel free at the conversation
> i want to give u a clue try to watch TV and don't focus on listening focus on wats going on because u cant do 2 things same time listening or knowing wat is happening and i said u ill understand the conversation thank u Zyriel.


Hmm you make a good point, a lot of people do tend to "listen" specifically to answer lol, or rather be quiet long enough to think about what to say next, instead of actually "listening" lol. It's funny when they answer something you didn't even ask haha. I guess I have an odd talent for being able to have more than one conversation at the same time ! I know what you mean about that "freeness" you mentioned, I don't like people feeling all rigid or oppressed in conversing lol, they need to relax and loosen up!^^



reaching nirvana said:


> Sometimes I get bursts of sociability and get really chatty, bubbly, and eager for conversation. In moments like this, my SA is completely gone and I just get caught up in the flow of interaction. I have made people laugh and say that they really enjoy talking to me. I had one of these episodes with a friend, and she said she thought a lot of people would like me if only I spoke more and wasn't so guarded all the time. Problem is these carefree moments are rare and spontaneous, and most of the time my SA makes me basically mute and awkward. Anyone experience anything similar? God, I wish I was just "carefree" all the time! I don't even know what triggers these moments.


Not be a dick, but alcohol can do that :b But seriously, I guess comfort or familiarity in certain situations too. I think almost anyone in a new situation will feel more "awkward" if there's no common interests, or unknown factors, etc. Takes a bit to "break the ice" for a lot of people.


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## tejasjs

tednugent2007 said:


> I have no problem staring people in the eyes on tv, but when I come face to face with someone I freak out. It must be some sort of confidence issue. I don't know why I'm scared. I feel weird doing it... like I'm unsure how it's supposed to feel and look like when you're making eye contact. It just feels so unnatural for me. I can't even look my parents or sisters in the eyes without feeling weird. I'm stumped.


Dont look into peoples eyes when you feel anxious
Just look at their nose or forehead


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## Chig0

I used to have this problem, I can almost remember specifically when it started. I was at school one day, when I was maybe 10, we were playing card games, and I suddenly started to feel very intimidated by every person around me, people that I have always gotten along with throughout the years. From early years I had pretty good self confidence and had good friends, but I had a really high winner instinct and I felt that I was always better than other's and stronger, and I couldn't handle defeat.

This made me a little unpopular and some friends didn't want to hang with me. I remember one time, all my friends got really mad at me because I had been fighting with a good friend leading from an argument, I realized I had kind of a short temper, and people started to tell me that nobody liked me, these in the moment comments of anger. I took comments like these very close to me. Other comments was things like, "I think he is paranoid" which I didn't know what meant at the time, so I thought people were out to "take me". Over the years I started to become very popular among the girls, I toned down on being the best at everything guy, to being grateful for being liked by everyone, when all the girls started to really like me, the guys did so too. This was around 5th grade, so it was 1 year of dancing on roses, before the problem with the eyes started. In the beginning as I mentioned earlier I felt intimidated by everyone, the slightest collision with someones eyes and I would feel a wave of anxiousness moving through my body. When I tried to say something it wasn't funny at all anymore, and the glance I got when trying to talk was like, "wtf are you looking at". previously I was one of the most well-spoken, funny guys in the class. Now that I think back it was as if something caused a massive drop in self-confidence over night or my brain suddenly stopped producing a very important substance.

I went along with this problem, thinking it was something that would go over with time, little did I know I was in for the long haul. This does not mean any one of you who reads this necessarily will have this problem for as long, but mine lasted for 10 years, 10-20. In the beginning it didn't affect me too much, since I thought it was a temporary thing. I still got along with people when I started junior high, and I was fairly well liked by many, even though I couldn't see people in the eyes. I as many of you found techniques to cope with the problem like, looking down, looking back up, smile and look away, to show that it at least seems like you are interested. I also started to play a **** load of video games, and I mean a **** load. Like probably 15000 hours in 5 years. I started isolate myself, in my room, because I even felt intimidated thinking about having to talk to my parents, brother and sister whom I love greatly, because I couldn't look at them either.

During the junior high years It wasn't that bad I went to school. I did have trouble paying attention in class because I felt scared a lot, and always thought "if that person/teacher speaks to me now, I am going to look awkward as hell, and probably freak that person out. And when I thought these thoughts when the eventual situation happened it came exactly true as I imagined, and I really wish I started to change my though patterns earlier, and remove triggers like "what if" and not taking sorrows in advance. But in the moment that's really hard.

The toughest year for me was when I started high school, I felt more and more afraid of looking people in the eyes, and I was still hiding behind gaming and staying with my 4 standard friends a lot. I was also afraid looking my friends in the eyes, but I still found ways to cope with them, and i always felt excited when I wanted to be with them. Sort of a 50/50 scared/excited feeling. I was really good at hiding my problem, and my friends have now later, after I have told them of my experiences said that I was the guy in the group they thought would "land on my feet" work/relationship/life wise. I also picked up smoking weed in the last year of high school, when I switched to a school with very friendly people, yet very bad slacking environment, and I got 20% of the schools potheads in my class. I do not recommend smoking tbh, as it can cause both positive and negative feelings to get a lot more powerful.

After the last year in high school which was by far my toughest year in the entire process, I 
started skipping a lot of classes, which I don't recommend because it will make you have a hard time getting into higher education, so force yourself to go to school and rather take a good free year or two after.

After high school was when things started to get brighter for me. Because I made my life's best decision after this whole thing started. I went into the military service. The marine. The first 8 weeks was recruit, I was really anxious because I knew it would be hard as hell to stay sane with this problem, among so many people. And being forced to look Veteran instructors in the eyes and other recruits. The recruit period was though as hell on me mentally, so I stayed a lot alone, and socialized as much as I could, and I didn't seem to get better even tho I was forced to do tasks/look people in the eyes and stay close upon people for 8 weeks. We did have permission to go home on weekends, and I only lived about 3 hours from the camp so I did that, which was important so I could see friends and family. I would often start shake in my entire face when being forced to look at someone, it was if 100 negative thoughts of how bad it was going to go went though my head, from the moment someone shouted my name til I turned around and had to look at them. And it was like this every time. I still managed to pull through the recruit and got to apply for further service. I was really unsure where to go and I kind of winged it a little, and put down Coast Guard, I knew if I went into the coastguard I would have to live really close up on people, but it was still by far the best place to be in the marine, since you get to visit a lot of places (especially inner coast guard). I was lucky enough not only to get into the Coast Guard, but also on the best boat. A fairly small but with highest budget of them all, and the capitol area.

On this boat I was 6 weeks on and 3 weeks off, sometimes more, sometimes less. There were total 30 people, but only 15 on at the same time, then staff switch midway, so I was basically forced to live upon people, and adjust every third week. I also had to spend up to 6 hours with navigator alone at night when I had lookout guard. After being on the boat for half a year, every time I got home for my 3 weeks off I felt really energized and happy like never before, calm too and my eyes was really calm. And when my military service was complete I had grown so much in my head that I was almost an entirely new person.

I still can't go up to any random person and just talk 100% freely and relax and not feel a little afraid, I am still working on that, but a year after the military I am now working hard at a local shop earning money feeling confident, happy and see bright on the future. I also planning to start higher education. 

The reason I wanted to share this story was, because in 2013 I bumped into this thread desperately searching for any help on the issue, and I promised myself if I found a way to feel better I would come back and tell my story, I hope it helped any of you to see a little brighter on the future, you will overcome this problem!


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## Ellazona

having eye contact might be hard for a lot of people with social anxiety but with the right mindset you can easily get over it


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## Kooki

*I have this problem to.*

I developed this 3 years ago , I never had a problem but now I hate looking People in the eye. I have no problem in life I play rugby and box i 6ft 2 and atheltic. But I still hate looking blocked in the eye. Just avoid it a much as I can. Don't have it with girls. Just men.


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## star0987654321

azdude123 said:


> ive had this for years now


do you still have this problem or have you found a solution? I'm wondering because I have the exact same problem and its ruining my life


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