# Obsessively secretive



## eejm (Jan 22, 2010)

I am extremely, almost obsessively secretive. I do tell people things, but I'm very selective on who I trust with what information and how long I know them before I tell them. I think very, very carefully about any consequences that could occur by telling that person that particular piece of information. My "secrets" are not always something embarrassing or upsetting. The secret can even be something positive. For example, I told very few people when I got a new job, and even fewer when I had finished my master's degree. 

I always remember being like this, even as a child. I think it is a personality trait in some senses. I've have always had a strong sense of individualism and independence, and asking for help can be difficult for me. Another part of me likes the idea that others might be curious as to what makes me tick, although I have no idea if people see me like that. I felt that if too many people knew too much about me, I'd cease to belong to myself, if that makes sense. 

I also grew up the youngest person in my family (my parents were both first born children, I have an elder brother, and I am the youngest grandchild), and by the time I was able to do anything, no one seemed to care about it because it had already happened ten times before. I believe this encouraged my need to be secretive. I also grew up with a LOT of unsolicited advice, and my thoughts or opinions were often shot down or dismissed. I even remember thinking as a kid that if no one else appreciated what I considered important events, I would appreciate them for myself. 

But, I can also see how I alienate people by not opening up. I've been told by several therapists that I need to "just do it," and to tell people about myself. I have honestly tried to do that, but I'm generally met with blank stares when I do or responses of, "Oh," before they continue discussing something else. I don't see that as a good start (which how my last therapist saw it), but as a serious blow to my individualism and honestly almost painful. I cannot figure out how to open up enough to bring people to me, yet not feel like I have nothing sacred or private. 

Does anyone else have problems with this? I hope I've explained myself enough to be understood.


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## citizenerased1987 (Oct 17, 2009)

I am exactly the same way, even to my parents. My parents know very little about me, i'm so secretive. Come to think about it no body really knows me, not even so called friends. I pull back from showing emotion and give away as little information about myself. I am not sure if its sa but it just seems to be my nature. I wonder if I am capable of being fully open with anyone?


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I'm this way too. My parents think I'm a certain way and that I have certain things but I'm not and I don't. If my close family members don't really know what I'm about then how will I ever open up to other people, people I don't really trust to begin with? Either way, it's just the way I am. I also don't express my emotions too often because I don't want others to think I'm weak or easily affected by certain things. I also have a very difficult time asking for help because I want to solve all problems on my own and thankfully, I have a decent head on my shoulders so I'm able to do so, for the most part. I also take extreme measures to hide my stuff from family members and also hide my opinions on certain matters to avoid confrontations and conflicts. I guess the main reason why I hide everything from people is because the more they know, the more exposed and vulnerable I feel and I despise this sort of feeling. I have this unceasing feeling that peple will somehow use what they know about me as ammunition, not that I really have anything serious to hide. I also hide things because I get easily embarrassed by even the littlest things.


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## CeilingStarer (Dec 29, 2009)

Me too. Nobody knows anything much about me. Like someone else said, my parents think that they do, but it's just a lie.

This guy at work is always prying. He discovered that I have a degree, and is always judging me with "what are you doing with your life/why are you working here/you should do this?/why don't you have a misses?" I'm stressed out of my mind, and lucky I can even hold any job, so just **** off!!!


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

I'm exactly the same. I do it to protect myself.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

I think it's a good thing, actually... to only open up to people you trust. I tend to be too open and, consequently, have been emotionally brutalized and taken advantage of.


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## xtina (Jan 3, 2010)

yes, i completely understand and i'm the same way, especially in these aspects:



eejm said:


> I've have always had a strong sense of individualism and independence, and asking for help can be difficult for me. Another part of me likes the idea that others might be curious as to what makes me tick, although I have no idea if people see me like that. I felt that if too many people knew too much about me, I'd cease to belong to myself, if that makes sense.
> 
> I also grew up with a LOT of unsolicited advice, and my thoughts or opinions were often shot down or dismissed. I even remember thinking as a kid that if no one else appreciated what I considered important events, I would appreciate them for myself.


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## Deathinmusic (Jun 5, 2009)

OP, I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm definitely secretive. It's about self protection and super low self-esteem. With those ingredients, it's not easy to put yourself out there for anyone to see. I don't think I want to remain a mystery consciously - I want to open up more than anything but it is so difficult.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

irishK said:


> ^
> And when you've learned to trust no one, hardly even yourself, this is all the more difficult. I dont know if alot of people can truly understand this. I try to open up but it is hard with people I have known my whole life, let alone anyone new entering my life. It makes me shut down when people cross the line. It's not really about being secretive because you dont want someone to find out anything bad, its more of a learned self protection. If youve grown up and lived life with the feeling that you are all you have in this world and someone wants to have too much of you, it can naturally, instantly really put your defenses on high.


I guess with me, it's always been the case of seeking approval (and recognition) from others over my actions -- also very damaging. But I see what you mean, extremism in any form is harmful, both to our loved ones... and ourselves.


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## coeur_brise (Oct 7, 2004)

I think I'm secretive because I'm afraid of everyone else judging what I really think, and because in part, I don't know how to express myself quite in the way everyone else does. Like I'd be thinking something, but because I don't say it aloud or don't make a comment, almost no one knows it about me and it's easier for me to hide it that way. It was many years before people around me knew I had anxiety/depression... and I thought I was broadcasting it to everyone I knew when that wasn't the case.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I am obsessively secretive around family. I did not tell them when I lived with a partner. They do not know about my Asperger's diagnosis, bisexuality, or that I am not asexual. 

Therapists always ask why I cannot tell them. I am unsure. It's partly because I see it as extremely private information and do not want them closely involved in my life. The thought of them discovering I am not asexual is also extremely embarrassing. My brother is the opposite and reveals every detail of his bedroom antics to family.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

I suspect I tell people far more than they ever cared to know.

I'm the only SAS member I'm aware of, for example, who has provided his full real name and city of residence. I do everything but draw you guys a map to my door.


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## eejm (Jan 22, 2010)

sanria22 said:


> I think I'm secretive because I'm afraid of everyone else judging what I really think, and because in part, I don't know how to express myself quite in the way everyone else does. Like I'd be thinking something, but because I don't say it aloud or don't make a comment, almost no one knows it about me and it's easier for me to hide it that way. It was many years before people around me knew I had anxiety/depression... and I thought I was broadcasting it to everyone I knew when that wasn't the case.


It's interesting you should say that, because I thought for a long time that I was an open book as well. There was a big disconnect between how I felt and how I thought I expressed that. There probably still is, since I rarely know how other people see me. I care less than I used to, but it would still be nice to know sometimes.

I also hate having to deal with individual people's reactions to something, whether it is positive or negative. I absolutely hated telling everyone that I was pregnant when I had my son. It wasn't planned and I was very stressed about it. The thought of having people congratulate me made me very uncomfortable.

I felt the same way when I finished my master's degree. I had a really lousy job at the time and figured I'd have something much better lined up when I finished my degree. When I didn't, I felt very embarrassed, so I didn't bother to tell anyone I'd finished. My husband wanted to throw a party and attend graduation, but I didn't bother because I felt ashamed.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

If you live in a country dominated by violent religous extremism keeping to yourself is probably a good thing...
On the other hand, if you care about, Democracy, Freedom, and Peace it's probably your responsibility to express yourself...
I appreciate warriors like justshy, nothing to fear, rincewind, and recapo who express their views regardless of the consequences...
Thanks.


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## brokenlight (Mar 10, 2004)

I am very secretive too, and I hate that I am this way. I have lost touch with good friends simply because they were still in contact with other people that I did not want to have information about me. It is a lonely way to live. I feel I am really limiting myself. 

I just am uncomfortable with how it seems everyone is connected. I can only open up to a few, and this seems less of an option these days.

My family knows me, but there are many private thoughts and interests/dislikes that they don't know about because I would feel way too exposed. Strange.


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## ashley26 (Feb 12, 2010)

I do the exact same thing. 

When meeting new people if they ask a personal question I freeze up and often lie when there is no reason to. I'll just try to figure out a way around the question without really giving an answer. My favorites to use are "I don't know" and "nothing" It seems like I say that a lot in real life. When I do talk that is...


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

ryobi said:


> If you live in a country dominated by violent religous extremism keeping to yourself is probably a good thing...
> On the other hand, if you care about, Democracy, Freedom, and Peace it's probably your responsibility to express yourself...
> *I appreciate warriors like justshy, nothing to fear, rincewind, and recapo *who express their views regardless of the consequences...
> Thanks.


I totally agree. :yes


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## SilentWitness (Dec 27, 2009)

UltraShy said:


> I suspect I tell people far more than they ever cared to know.
> 
> I'm the only SAS member I'm aware of, for example, who has provided his full real name and city of residence. I do everything but draw you guys a map to my door.


:lol sorry, but that made me laugh. I can picture in my head someone actually mapping out where you live. You are definitely a brave one.


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## gg87 (Sep 26, 2006)

brokenlight said:


> I am very secretive too, and I hate that I am this way. I have lost touch with good friends simply because they were still in contact with other people that I did not want to have information about me. It is a lonely way to live. I feel I am really limiting myself.
> 
> I just am uncomfortable with how it seems everyone is connected. I can only open up to a few, and this seems less of an option these days.
> 
> My family knows me, but there are many private thoughts and interests/dislikes that they don't know about because I would feel way too exposed. Strange.


This describes me in so many ways.

Also I think that I'm secretive because I feel more secure when I keep people at a distance from me. I've become accustomed to it to an extent, but part of me would like to let some people get to know me. But I also value my privacy so much that I let people assume what they will about me.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

man I'm pretty much an open book
I think it comes from facing death so many times
you realize how ridiculous so many of these human constructs are

I heard a lady in the hardware store the other day, she was so thrilled with the misfortune of some kids. she could hardly keep it to herself. lovelaly


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## friend_Z (Jan 3, 2006)

I have this problem - it has kept me distanced from others, just like you say. I was the youngest in my family, raised by a single mother, and I spent a lot of time either by myself or with surrogate family (i.e. my friends' families).

I think this has left me feeling like an outsider, a hanger-on, someone with no self-worth. When I do attempt to open up it gets awkward. It's like I don't know the "protocol" for sharing myself with others. I feel like my own thoughts have little value. So I just tend to keep them to myself.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I kind of feel the same way. I don’t think it's that big of a problem unless you can't discuss things with those that are important to you. Everyone else, I could give two ****s less if they know certain things about me. Sure, it makes me feel different, but at the same time, why do you need to tell strangers or acquaintances personal things anyways? They don't need to know.


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## Jayne311 (Aug 20, 2009)

eejm said:


> I am extremely, almost obsessively secretive. I do tell people things, but I'm very selective on who I trust with what information and how long I know them before I tell them. I think very, very carefully about any consequences that could occur by telling that person that particular piece of information. My "secrets" are not always something embarrassing or upsetting. The secret can even be something positive. For example, I told very few people when I got a new job, and even fewer when I had finished my master's degree.
> 
> I always remember being like this, even as a child. I think it is a personality trait in some senses. I've have always had a strong sense of individualism and independence, and asking for help can be difficult for me. Another part of me likes the idea that others might be curious as to what makes me tick, although I have no idea if people see me like that. I felt that if too many people knew too much about me, I'd cease to belong to myself, if that makes sense.
> 
> I also grew up the youngest person in my family (my parents were both first born children, I have an elder brother, and I am the youngest grandchild), and by the time I was able to do anything, no one seemed to care about it because it had already happened ten times before. I believe this encouraged my need to be secretive. I also grew up with a LOT of unsolicited advice, and my thoughts or opinions were often shot down or dismissed. I even remember thinking as a kid that if no one else appreciated what I considered important events, I would appreciate them for myself.


I'm the same. I recently got two certifications for things, and the only people that know are my family, and only because I live with them and they saw my things come in the mail. Otherwise, I wouldn't have told anyone. And when I graduated from high school, I remember being very happy to get away from it, but I didn't want it to be celebrated or have other family come to the ceremony. I wanted my own personal victory about getting away from it inside my head, and no other attention. I felt like it would embarrass me.

I'm the oldest child in my family, and I feel like that's part of the reason why I have SA. People were always giving me attention and asking me things and prying, and I wanted to be left alone and be able to keep my secret hiding spots and games to myself. I never liked the attention on me, so it constantly being there made me want to retreat.

I also feel like if people know me, I'm not really me anymore. I have a kind of annoying habit of going to the movies with people, and when everyone is talking about it afterwards I won't join in, because it captivated my imagination so much and I'm so busy picturing myself in those roles that if I were to talk about it, my personal connection to it would disappear. Things feel like they mean more to me if they are just for me.


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

I'm almost the opposite. I have no filter. I might as well have a barcode tattood to my wrist.
If you have a goal though it';s almost best to keep it to yourself. it kind of takes away the thunder if you tell others about it. liike you already achieved it, or something IDK


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## Edelweiss (Feb 17, 2010)

eejm said:


> It's interesting you should say that, because I thought for a long time that I was an open book as well. There was a big disconnect between how I felt and how I thought I expressed that. There probably still is, since I rarely know how other people see me. I care less than I used to, but it would still be nice to know sometimes.
> 
> I also hate having to deal with individual people's reactions to something, whether it is positive or negative. I absolutely hated telling everyone that I was pregnant when I had my son. It wasn't planned and I was very stressed about it. The thought of having people congratulate me made me very uncomfortable.
> 
> I felt the same way when I finished my master's degree. I had a really lousy job at the time and figured I'd have something much better lined up when I finished my degree. When I didn't, I felt very embarrassed, so I didn't bother to tell anyone I'd finished. My husband wanted to throw a party and attend graduation, but I didn't bother because I felt ashamed.


Wow, you and I are like twins. I am a little shocked from reading what is going on in your mind. I don't like talking about myself. I also have a master's but I never talk about it because I am really not using it. I never had a wedding. I think I would feel uncomfortable, I like to hide. I have the ability of knowing what people feel about me when I talk to them or they talk to me. I don't feel I should get closer to someone if I don't sense that the person is welcoming me. I like to be prepared so if someone dear to me hurts me and I didn't see it coming...oh boy... I guess I always knew I was strange so I don't bother talking about it...They are not going to get it! I think. My biggest problem is that I feel "naked" in public and I feel the need to be alert (in case of an emergency) all the time. It is exhausting...:no


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## NemoNevermore (Aug 7, 2009)

eejm said:


> I am extremely, almost obsessively secretive. I do tell people things, but I'm very selective on who I trust with what information and how long I know them before I tell them. I think very, very carefully about any consequences that could occur by telling that person that particular piece of information. My "secrets" are not always something embarrassing or upsetting. The secret can even be something positive. For example, I told very few people when I got a new job, and even fewer when I had finished my master's degree.
> 
> I always remember being like this, even as a child. I think it is a personality trait in some senses. I've have always had a strong sense of individualism and independence, and asking for help can be difficult for me. Another part of me likes the idea that others might be curious as to what makes me tick, although I have no idea if people see me like that. I felt that if too many people knew too much about me, I'd cease to belong to myself, if that makes sense.
> 
> ...


We have way too much in common. I've been working on this myself, actually. I'm still not very good at it, but one thing I've noticed is useful for improvement is actually answering when a friend asks how you are (and I mean literally asking, not just using it as a way of saying hello). I never realized it, but people were always really perplexed by how cryptic and secretive I was, and now that I'm looking for opportunities to be honest, they seem open to giving them. As to these people you mention, I can only assume that you either spoke at an inopportune moment (people don't know how to react to the unexpected--I suspect that "oh" wasn't a sound of disdain so much as surprise) or aren't talking to the right people. Some people just aren't capable of the honesty you're looking for, so you should search for it elsewhere if that's the case. Either way, I think you'll find a better place with a little bit of work and a lot of determination.


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## Catty (Jan 4, 2010)

I feel the same way and haven't given out much to people. I just don't feel like telling people that because then I'd have to go into more details and explain stuff that I don't want to talk about either. Also therapists have an idealised view of society but they don't seem to believe that in reality other people can be rude or simply not interested in your secrets. There's nothing wrong with keeping secrets and it's what makes you appear mysterious and IMO that's a good thing. Yes also it can be considered a bad thing because others can't get to know you easily but everyone's different and not the same. We're under pressure to be exactly the same as everyone else as if humans are supposed to be more robotic.


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## Laika (Oct 22, 2008)

I'm the exact same way, constantly worrying about what I can share and what I feel I need to hide to sort of protect myself. I think some of this has to do with the fact that my parents seperated when I was 10 and growing up, I always felt like there were certain things I had to hide from either parent to sort of protect the other one. Even as a kid, I could never be completely open with either of them.

So yeah, there is a lot of stuff I hide from people. And there is some stuff that I feel I can only tell certain people, and other things that I can tell other people, but there has never been one person who I can tell everything.


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## scaredycat amy (Feb 17, 2010)

I keep secrets to protect myself from embarrassment. I used to be outgoing and friendly. I used to drink socially (I don't even like beer) because I liked the company of friends and I liked to converse with them freely (sometimes with a foul mouth), and I am really disappointed and ashamed of the way I acted.


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## alohomora (Apr 5, 2009)

One of the central issues with my social anxiety is secretiveness. If I notice someone gossiping a lot, I'll usually close up around them. If I see them ridiculing others, I'll also close up around them. I can't help but think that if they ridicule others then they might ridicule me as well. If I can't relate to someone, I'll close up around them. I usually think they won't understand me and dismiss me as just weird.

Recently, I've been trying to be more honest and open. I still have mixed feelings about it.


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## PiecesFalling (Jan 31, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> My brother is the opposite and reveals every detail of his bedroom antics to family.


Isn't it strange how that happens? Being so different from your own blood and supposedly the closest people in your life...

I am also very secretive. I think it's a common trait of SA, though there are exceptions to every rule, of course. The worst thing about secretivity is when people think you're doing nothing with your life or don't want to improve it. The opposite is exactly the case, I just struggle to express it. And then having to be punished by hurtful words.

I am fortunate that I have at least one friend who I tell almost everything to, even if online (though I have met her several times). She's been a wonderful support.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

The reason that I don't tell people info is that I am just a private person. I am afraid to tell people things since info has been used against me in the past. Today my doctor who was meeting me for the first time asked what's this guy's name that's supportive of you. I didn't even want to say it. Did she really need to ask? Was it any of her business? I should have asked what's your boyfriend's name? lol!


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

The same for me. Info I've given therapists in the past has followed me to subsequent appointments. I've found that therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists beliefs are completely arbitrary. 
and there is no confidentiality in a small town. I mean none whatsoever, lol


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## well0066 (Feb 17, 2015)

I myself are social, talkative and open person, not 100% but mostly. I have a secretive friend who is quite, shy and insecure, totally opposite me. He talk mostly about study, homework or simple things like cooking fish. But I wish he opens up more Cuz I can see and feel how depressed he is. He is going through financial crise and hard studies and I'm trying to help him as much as I can. I care about him so much and I get sad when I see him sad all the time. I don't know ifor these are the only things that makes him this way. Cuz sometimes he often drift away, walk with me yet silent, not even listening. I want to help him as much as I can, and make him smile again. If he doesn't say a **** how would I help him?! What do u guys think? And what should I do? I wanna talk to him tomorrow about it Cuz it drives me nuts. What do u think?


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## losthismarbles (Jul 5, 2014)

well0066 said:


> I myself are social, talkative and open person, not 100% but mostly. I have a secretive friend who is quite, shy and insecure, totally opposite me. He talk mostly about study, homework or simple things like cooking fish. But I wish he opens up more Cuz I can see and feel how depressed he is. He is going through financial crise and hard studies and I'm trying to help him as much as I can. I care about him so much and I get sad when I see him sad all the time. I don't know ifor these are the only things that makes him this way. Cuz sometimes he often drift away, walk with me yet silent, not even listening. I want to help him as much as I can, and make him smile again. If he doesn't say a **** how would I help him?! What do u guys think? And what should I do? I wanna talk to him tomorrow about it Cuz it drives me nuts. What do u think?


I think you should give him some space. Maybe he's not good at talking a lot? Just keep hanging out with him. Don't demand that he talks to you about stuff. Let him be secretive. If you try and make him talk he will probably just distance himself from you even more.

Also I think you should make a new thread because this one is like 5 years old XD


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## KrystinaDanielle (Feb 18, 2015)

I am too.. I practice unwarranted evasiveness all of the time. My husband, mom, sister, friends don't understand why I am so determined to keep everything about me and about the relationships I have with others a secret. I don't lie... I lack the ability to lie in most instances,... but I do avoid conversations/topics/ect whenever possible.


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## social worker (Sep 15, 2014)

I can't imagine what people would think of me if they knew the real me. Maybe they wouldn't care whatsoever. My therapist thinks I should let people know the real me, warts and all. I told him he's out of his mind.


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## Freucinska (Dec 11, 2014)

Yes -- this is absolutely me. I keep so much hidden that my persona to the outside world is a very bland, vanilla sort of thing -- when in reality, my interior life is quite rich and strange, fueled by lots of reading and writing and my peculiar imagination. Very, very few people know the real me.


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