# When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship but



## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

When he says he "doesn't have time for a relationship right now", "needs to get his life straightened out" and that he "eventually wants to get together with you"...does this ALWAYS mean he DOESN'T want to be with you and this is just his dumb excuse so he wont look like a jerk? I'm curious, I want to hear other guys' opinions on this...because the last guy I was in a serious relationship with said pretty much these same things to me when we had dated for 7 months. One day, after all that, he just tells me he needs a break, needs to get his life straightened out, but that he wants to try it again with me later on. Then later that night I found out he just wanted to screw some *****(so they dated for like 2 weeks and she dumped him) and everything he'd told me that morning was BS--he was just trying to look innocent when he wasn't(he'd already asked the ***** out 2 weeks before that happened). 
And I've heard this excuse again...the guy asked me out, but this time it happened much sooner-- after about 3 or 4 days into it, he says he doesn't have time for a relationship right now, he needs to get some stuff straightened out in his life, but he wants to date me when the time is right...he also says he loves me, which I really don't believe because I don't see why he would want to wait when he was so eager to jump into a relationship with me just the other day...I was actually the one who at first thought maybe it was too soon, but I didn't say anything. I just agreed to it cause I liked him and didn't wanna mess it up and he kept telling me how much he liked me and everything and that it would make him "sooo happy" if I would be his girlfriend. :con It makes no sense...why would he need time? I understand if he doesn't have as much time as he did before...but it doesn't matter if we wouldn't see or talk to each other as much...but it's like he just wants to stay single. Like he can't make up his mind. I just take this as a sign that he either doesn't want me, he wants to keep searching for somebody better to come along, or he already has someone else in mind. I'm not an idiot...I know it's not a good thing to hear this from somebody who says they want to be in a relationship with you...why would they hold back, especially him saying he loves me!?! :wtf If he REALLY loved me he would want to be in a relationship with me no matter what, right?! I'm guessing I'm right about one of the 3 options above, or that he's just saying he loves me to try to get whatever he can from me.
Can anybody help me out here cause I don't understand men...or should I say little boys who can't make up their minds. :con


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

So weird...right after I posted this, he called me. Told me he loved me before he hung up. At least he isn't avoiding me completely but I still don't think I believe him. :sigh


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## random889 (Feb 6, 2007)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

That sounds like something I would say actually...I'm terrified of getting close with women and I'm considering telling my friend who likes me (and I like) something similar :sigh


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



random889 said:


> That sounds like something I would say actually...I'm terrified of getting close with women and I'm considering telling my friend who likes me (and I like) something similar :sigh


So you would say this to a woman you actually liked or loved and mean it? Just out of fear? He did mention that he was scared of being in love with anyone after his ex...it's not my fault she was a ***** though. :sigh


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I would say 50% of the time, it is an excuse to 'kind of' break up with you, but see if they can find someone else, and still not burn bridges so they might get together with you later. 30% of the time, it would be a real excuse (and would apply to me at certain parts of my life). If I was a senior in college again and had 90-110 hour school weeks, and didn't have any money, I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone right then. 10% of them just want to break up with you nicely. You two were just not a good match. And there are the 10% that want to hear you say "If you need help getting your life together, I will help you. But I don't care about that as much as I care for you." Ask him what is bothering him in his personal life that he feels that he can't handle being in a relationship right now. Maybe he is nervous, afraid, doesn't know what to say or where to take you, or depressed and wants to get better first. You don't know unless he tells you what is going on in his brain.

One thing I notice from a lot of your posts is that you compare past boyfriends to your current relationships. I know you are trying to learn from your past, but you have to treat this guy as an individual.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> random889 said:
> 
> 
> > That sounds like something I would say actually...I'm terrified of getting close with women and I'm considering telling my friend who likes me (and I like) something similar :sigh
> ...


Anxiety over his last relationship (doesn't have to be your fault). Rebound emotions. I'm surprised he says he loves you. How long have you known this guy?

Likes the idea of love. Misses it, but has just been rejected (?). I'd be careful in dealing with him. His emotions may just be hijacking his thoughts and words. :stu


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*

He has given me reasons, I just still don't get it. And I figured it was just dumb excuses cause it usually is....



Classified said:


> I would say 50% of the time, it is an excuse to 'kind of' break up with you, but see if they can find someone else, and still not burn bridges so they might get together with you later. 30% of the time, it would be a real excuse (and would apply to me at certain parts of my life). If I was a senior in college again and had 90-110 hour school weeks, and didn't have any money, I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone right then. 10% of them just want to break up with you nicely. You two were just not a good match. And there are the 10% that want to hear you say "If you need help getting your life together, I will help you. But I don't care about that as much as I care for you." Ask him what is bothering him in his personal life that he feels that he can't handle being in a relationship right now. Maybe he is nervous, afraid, doesn't know what to say or where to take you, or depressed and wants to get better first. You don't know unless he tells you what is going on in his brain.
> 
> One thing I notice from a lot of your posts is that you compare past boyfriends to your current relationships. I know you are trying to learn from your past, but you have to treat this guy as an individual.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*

I've probably known him around a month...



Optimistic said:


> So you would say this to a woman you actually liked or loved and mean it? Just out of fear? He did mention that he was scared of being in love with anyone after his ex...it's not my fault she was a ***** though. :sigh


Anxiety over his last relationship (doesn't have to be your fault). Rebound emotions. I'm surprised he says he loves you. How long have you known this guy?

Likes the idea of love. Misses it, but has just been rejected (?). I'd be careful in dealing with him. His emotions may just be hijacking his thoughts and words. :stu[/quote]


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## nesteroff (Nov 14, 2003)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I was told this by a guy years ago.

"Getting life straightened out" turned out to mean "getting away from you"

"Eventually wants to get together" turned out to mean "wants to date other women"

"Doesn't have time for a relationship" turned out to mean "doesn't have time for you"

All in all, he didn't love me, and used these phrases to try and not look like an *** while he let me off the hook. I wish he had just been upfront about how he felt, but some people just can't seem to be upfront, especially when the truth is difficult.


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## SunLite (Jan 4, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Basically what Nesteroff said is true BUT you have to calibrate it.

If a dude on here said he wanted to get his life together I'd believe that cuz most people here are F'ed up and do need to get their life together.

If a normal dude said it it means he's not attracted. It's like a girl saying she wants to work on her career and doesnt have time for a relationship or that its not you its me. =) It's a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you but I'm not going to hurt your feelings. Another one could be I had fun on our date we should do it again sometime without calling or actually planning another meet up.


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## SebFontain (Jan 27, 2004)

Could mean alot of things. Most young guys (not all) aren't into commitments and relationships and view them almost as a bad thing. He very well could be telling you the things he thinks you want to hear in fear he might hurt your feelings and upset you if he told you the truth. He sounds like the type of guy that wants to date with no strings attached after reading your post. I honestly don't know the guy though and very well could be wrong so don't take what I write to heart.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



SunLite said:


> If a normal dude said it it means he's not attracted. It's like a girl saying she wants to work on her career and doesnt have time for a relationship or that its not you its me. =) It's a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you but I'm not going to hurt your feelings. Another one could be I had fun on our date we should do it again sometime without calling or actually planning another meet up.


not good then...he is a "normal dude"...outgoing, extrovert type.
hmm i wonder why he's still talking to me if he isnt interested though...it doesnt make much sense. unless he's just telling me this & talking to me in case he changed his mind AGAIN or can't find anyone better. :sigh



SebFontain said:


> Could mean alot of things. Most young guys (not all) aren't into commitments and relationships and view them almost as a bad thing. He very well could be telling you the things he thinks you want to hear in fear he might hurt your feelings and upset you if he told you the truth. He sounds like the type of guy that wants to date with no strings attached after reading your post. I honestly don't know the guy though and very well could be wrong so don't take what I write to heart.


he started out telling me he wanted a commited relationship, something that would last for a very long time, possibly forever... i dunno what to think about him. :fall


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I think this means you are now his back up plan. He wants to keep you close enough, so he can have someone to crawl back to when his other relationships fail.

Not a nice thing to hear, but that's what it sounds like he is doing to me.

Of course, I've never been in a relationship, so if I were you I wouldn't listen to me. Did I mention I have problems with paranoia?


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Cerberus said:


> I think this means you are now his back up plan. He wants to keep you close enough, so he can have someone to crawl back to when his other relationships fail.
> 
> Not a nice thing to hear, but that's what it sounds like he is doing to me.
> 
> Of course, I've never been in a relationship, so if I were you I wouldn't listen to me. Did I mention I have problems with paranoia?


I'm very paranoid too...but I thought the same thing you just said, when he told me that... that probably is the case. :sigh


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

deleted.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> When he says he "doesn't have time for a relationship right now", "needs to get his life straightened out" and that he "eventually wants to get together with you"...does this ALWAYS mean he DOESN'T want to be with you and this is just his dumb excuse so he wont look like a jerk? I'm curious, I want to hear other guys' opinions on this...because the last guy I was in a serious relationship with said pretty much these same things to me when we had dated for 7 months. One day, after all that, he just tells me he needs a break, needs to get his life straightened out, but that he wants to try it again with me later on. Then later that night I found out he just wanted to screw some *****(so they dated for like 2 weeks and she dumped him) and everything he'd told me that morning was BS--he was just trying to look innocent when he wasn't(he'd already asked the ***** out 2 weeks before that happened).
> 
> And I've heard this excuse again...the guy asked me out, but this time it happened much sooner-- after about 3 or 4 days into it, he says he doesn't have time for a relationship right now, he needs to get some stuff straightened out in his life, but he wants to date me when the time is right...he also says he loves me, which I really don't believe because I don't see why he would want to wait when he was so eager to jump into a relationship with me just the other day...I was actually the one who at first thought maybe it was too soon, but I didn't say anything. I just agreed to it cause I liked him and didn't wanna mess it up and he kept telling me how much he liked me and everything and that it would make him "sooo happy" if I would be his girlfriend. :con It makes no sense...why would he need time? I understand if he doesn't have as much time as he did before...but it doesn't matter if we wouldn't see or talk to each other as much...but it's like he just wants to stay single. Like he can't make up his mind. I just take this as a sign that he either doesn't want me, he wants to keep searching for somebody better to come along, or he already has someone else in mind. I'm not an idiot...I know it's not a good thing to hear this from somebody who says they want to be in a relationship with you...why would they hold back, especially him saying he loves me!?! :wtf If he REALLY loved me he would want to be in a relationship with me no matter what, right?! I'm guessing I'm right about one of the 3 options above, or that he's just saying he loves me to try to get whatever he can from me.
> Can anybody help me out here cause I don't understand men...or should I say little boys who can't make up their minds. :con


I hate to say it, but it sounds like these fellas are BSing you. Some guys are pretty good at it. The second guy said he loves you? How long have you known him? Those are very important words to throw around lightly. You're right, if he really loves you he would want to be with you. Time is a lame excuse. If you love someone (or even like them), you make time for them.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*



srschirm said:


> The second guy said he loves you? How long have you known him?


I had the same question, and she said about a month.



srschirm said:


> Those are very important words to throw around lightly.


 :agree



srschirm said:


> Time is a lame excuse. If you love someone (or even like them), you make time for them.


Usually is when it comes to relationships. I'm going to think about this as I come across other life-oriented threads on this forum.  :yes


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Thanks, Optimistic. Don't waste time on people who don't make time for you (or however that old adage goes).


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*



srschirm said:


> I hate to say it, but it sounds like these fellas are BSing you. Some guys are pretty good at it. The second guy said he loves you? How long have you known him? Those are very important words to throw around lightly. You're right, if he really loves you he would want to be with you. Time is a lame excuse. If you love someone (or even like them), you make time for them.


I've known him probably around a month...yeah I knew it couldn't be a good sign...if somebody loves you, it shouldn't matter if they have much time or not. I know he still has SOME free time cause he still talks to me sometimes--so if he cared about me I don't think he would have said that...I know he's still very active on the dating site we met on too...which I am too, because I figure he's lying to me and I'm not going to waste my time sitting around waiting on him to "get things straightened out" if I find somebody else I like who's actually serious and not gonna act like a confused little boy who can't make up his mind.
People say "I love you" way too soon anymore...I thought it was insane, the last guy I dated told me he loved me the 2nd time he met me. :wtf
We didn't last too long...he was too jealous and got mad at me & would pout when my best guy friend would call me and stuff...even though he's engaged and we're JUST friends. And I know for a fact HE had female friends. I guess it was ok for him to do whatever he wanted and not me though. :con


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Sometimes guys can be jealous pricks. Sounds like you need to find an honest, shy guy who isn't immature.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I'd ask him what he means by "getting things straightened out." It could mean lots of things, and not all of them would necessarily be good excuses.

Let's say he were heavy into drugs or still deeply affected and dwelling over his ex. I'm not sure if it would be time now for anyone new to come into his life.

Of course, it doesn't answer his prematurely saying "I love you" and talking committment. Maybe he was overcome by infatuation.

It's hard to know when to launch those words "I love you." My wife and I did somewhere around the 4th date (yeah, I should remember exactly when, but I don't :lol ), but for her, it was love at first sight (that happens too, I guess).

(Cool that you've been trying out an online dating site). :yes


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Where do you meet these guys?


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> Sometimes guys can be jealous pricks. Sounds like you need to find an honest, shy guy who isn't immature.


Yeah, but there don't seem to be any guys around here like that. :sigh



Optimistic said:


> I'd ask him what he means by "getting things straightened out." It could mean lots of things, and not all of them would necessarily be good excuses.
> 
> Let's say he were heavy into drugs or still deeply affected and dwelling over his ex. I'm not sure if it would be time now for anyone new to come into his life.
> 
> ...


He told me what it is he needs to get straightened out, I still don't get it though.....he isn't into drugs that I know of...he says he isn't...says he used to be when he was younger though. But right now he uses the excuse of him moving into a new house, and he has alot of bills and payments and stuff(car payment, motorcycle payment, etc), and (the one thing I dont really like the idea of all that much but I accepted it anyway)--he has a kid coming, from his last relationship...
Online dating sites really aren't all that cool...all I seem to meet are lying, cheating losers on these damn things. :sigh



BeNice said:


> Where do you meet these guys?


Random places online. Met my last 2 on that stupid free dating site, plenty of fish. Apparently it's a crappy place to meet decent boyfriends.
I've met some previous boyfriends on other dating sites, myspace, etc...


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Well when I used it, it played two roles. 
#1 the girl that apparently liked me didn't asked me out directly but instead went throgh a friend so I figured a lot of people surrounding us probably were aware of the scenario. The last I heard she was in a long term relationship seriously contemplating marriage. What caused this to fall through was the thought running through my mind and I didn't have any kind of attraction to her and as bad as it sounds her laugh annoyed me. So I figured by telling her friend I didn't have time I wouldn't come off as a jerk and would hopefully not hurt her feelings as much.

#2 I really was busy and I view relationships as a serious thing, wanting to put the time and effort into it to make it work and I would only be able to put in very minimal time to where the girl would probably lose interest so I figured why waste her time or cause frustration.

If I read your post right I'd say the guy doesn't know what he wants or is looking for hookups. If he cared about you why would be say he doesn't have time hook up with another girl have that fall through and then say that he has feelings for you? But then again I may be blinded by my own motives 

Another view I've heard on the radio is the guy needs to get his ****ty days out of the way so he'll bang various girls then eventually want to settle down with just one girl when he's through doing this. He could be done with his ****ty ways and days but you have to decide whether you want to go down that road and take the chance.

I'll have to read your post again and edit mine if necessary.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



scairy said:


> Well when I used it, it played two roles.
> #1 the girl that apparently liked me didn't asked me out directly but instead went throgh a friend so I figured a lot of people surrounding us probably were aware of the scenario. The last I heard she was in a long term relationship seriously contemplating marriage. What caused this to fall through was the thought running through my mind and I didn't have any kind of attraction to her and as bad as it sounds her laugh annoyed me. So I figured by telling her friend I didn't have time I wouldn't come off as a jerk and would hopefully not hurt her feelings as much.
> 
> #2 I really was busy and I view relationships as a serious thing, wanting to put the time and effort into it to make it work and I would only be able to put in very minimal time to where the girl would probably lose interest so I figured why waste her time or cause frustration.
> ...


I'd say you're probably right about him. :sigh


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Yeah I think we all pretty much are, unfortunately. I wouldn't waste much time or energy on guys like this.



> Yeah, but there don't seem to be any guys around here like that.


I guess that depends on what you define as "around here."


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## Tania (Jan 8, 2005)

Bottom line is... "I need to get my life straightened out"... WITHOUT YOU. 

I'm sorry but if someone truly needed to get their life straightened out and still wanted to be with someone they can do it with the love and support of a partner. My girlfriend is still hanging around a guy just like that, with issues and keeps pushing her away then when she goes he wants her back... so unhealthy for her poor sanity.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Tania said:


> Bottom line is... "I need to get my life straightened out"... WITHOUT YOU.
> 
> I'm sorry but if someone truly needed to get their life straightened out and still wanted to be with someone they can do it with the love and support of a partner. My girlfriend is still hanging around a guy just like that, with issues and keeps pushing her away then when she goes he wants her back... so unhealthy for her poor sanity.


It's like a rollercoaster ride. I have experience with that...it's not fun.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> Yeah I think we all pretty much are, unfortunately. I wouldn't waste much time or energy on guys like this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 :b True, you live in Kentucky and seem nice. Florence is probably about 2 and 1/2 hours from me.



Tania said:


> Bottom line is... "I need to get my life straightened out"... WITHOUT YOU.
> 
> I'm sorry but if someone truly needed to get their life straightened out and still wanted to be with someone they can do it with the love and support of a partner.


That's what I thought too. :sigh


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

And when I ask about it , he keeps saying he's afraid of being hurt......
well yeah, aren't we all afraid of that........? :con


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Well Itold him, just now, that I don't know if I believe him, and he's mad. :hide :sigh


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

Tania said:


> I'm sorry but if someone truly needed to get their life straightened out and still wanted to be with someone they can do it with the love and support of a partner.


True. The difference here is that the guy is not currently in a relationship with Scare-all. There are a lot of ifs when you first date someone. It's a matter of faith, trust, and hope, and that's easier (but not guaranteed) with a good track record w/ someone.

Putting his wishy-washiness and his ill-timed words of love and committment aside, I don't know how someone would be sure that this guy would be right for them, unless they took the time to date and learn about him. And even that's no guarantee.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

Optimistic said:


> Tania said:
> 
> 
> > I'm sorry but if someone truly needed to get their life straightened out and still wanted to be with someone they can do it with the love and support of a partner.
> ...


He was in a relationship with me for a few short days. Then he just decides that he "doesn't have time" for one right now.
He asked me if I loved him and I told him it was too soon for me to know and that I wouldn't wanna say it unless we were actually dating, anyway. Seems pointless to tell someone you love them if they won't even date you anyway...in my opinion anyway.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Maybe my definition of "relationship" is different or maybe it was a short relationship or whatever... :stu


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Optimistic said:


> Maybe my definition of "relationship" is different or maybe it was a short relationship or whatever... :stu


Yeah...well I guess a better way to put it is we "dated" for a few short days. :?


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## Tania (Jan 8, 2005)

Do you think he has some emotional baggage from his past?

Sorry I have a bad tendency to just scan through posts instead of reading them, my apologies if this has already been discussed!


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I'm not really sure what to think about him but he says his last ex really hurt him...oh and he was engaged to her but they never ended up getting married... but she's pregnant now...


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> I'm not really sure what to think about him but he says his last ex really hurt him...oh and he was engaged to her but they never ended up getting married... but she's pregnant now...


*sings* Run to the hills. Run for your life.

Run to my harem

*goes to listen to iron maiden*


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## Razorblade Kiss (Oct 29, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Sounds like too much drama. Who needs it...
Whether he's making up excuses or not, all signs point to him not being worthy of your time.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> And when I ask about it , he keeps saying he's afraid of being hurt......
> well yeah, aren't we all afraid of that........? :con


Like I said in another thread, in the end I'm positive that all the pain we go through will all be worth it. That's why we're all motivated to develop relationships with other people.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Little Miss Scare-All said:


> Optimistic said:
> 
> 
> > Tania said:
> ...


You took the right approach. This guy has other things going on; I wouldn't lose sleep over him.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> I'm not really sure what to think about him but he says his last ex really hurt him...oh and he was engaged to her but they never ended up getting married... but she's pregnant now...


That says a lot right there. You're sure you'd want to get involved in all of that now? You already mentioned that you weren't sure if you wanted to get involved knowing he had a kid(s). I married a woman who already had a kid, btw, and I know how relationships can appropriately involve the child as well.

Only from what I know so far, I can see two sides to your situation with him. You might not really look at it this way, but it might have been to your benefit too that he called things off after the 3 to 4 days. You focus on his indecision a lot, and I agree it would be frustrating and he probably isn't doing things properly, but would you have wanted this to happen months down the road after getting into it even deeper?

When you told him that you don't believe him, what did you not believe?
If it's the time factor, you may be right--he probably could find the time.
My guess is that he feels something for you, but his emotions are so out of kilter from his previous relationship that he's confused about his feelings about love and he's anxious about further hurt, which he has told you explicitly. I would believe his hurt, and maybe you do, but you kind of think, well, everyone has their anxiety. While that's true to some extent, I think you're having a difficult time empathizing with him, if you are indeed even trying to.

It's easier to see him as a liar and a little indecisive boy, and that's part of the frustrating story, but that's not the complete picture I've come to see.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Cerberus said:


> *sings* Run to the hills. Run for your life.
> 
> Run to my harem
> 
> *goes to listen to iron maiden*


haha



Strange Religion said:


> Sounds like too much drama. Who needs it...
> Whether he's making up excuses or not, all signs point to him not being worthy of your time.


Yeah I'm starting to think so too......



srschirm said:


> You took the right approach. This guy has other things going on; I wouldn't lose sleep over him.


I don't lose sleep over him. A few months ago, a few years ago...I would have. But now I don't let myself get too attached to people cause in the end, they all disappoint me anyway. No expectations, no disappointments.



Optimistic said:


> That says a lot right there. You're sure you'd want to get involved in all of that now? You already mentioned that you weren't sure if you wanted to get involved knowing he had a kid(s). I married a woman who already had a kid, btw, and I know how relationships can appropriately involve the child as well.
> 
> Only from what I know so far, I can see two sides to your situation with him. You might not really look at it this way, but it might have been to your benefit too that he called things off after the 3 to 4 days. You focus on his indecision a lot, and I agree it would be frustrating and he probably isn't doing things properly, but would you have wanted this to happen months down the road after getting into it even deeper?
> 
> ...


I don't really like that he has a kid with someone else...but I guess if I liked somebody enough & they liked me enough...it wouldn't matter.
No I wouldnt want this to happen months down the road--then I would know for a fact he was doing it for other reasons, cause I've been in that situation before.
I didn't believe that he was doing this for the reasons he gave me. I told him if he really "loved" me he should want to be with me no matter what, which is true.
I guess I might believe he was hurt in his previous relationship but I don't know. That could just be a bad excuse. I have no way of knowing since I didn't know the girl he says that hurt him. It could be the other way around for all I know...he could have hurt her. There's no way for me to know. He may have used his dumb little excuse on her too: "Oh I don't have time for a relationship right now but maybe later"... :roll


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I don't want to see you languish in negativity. There is hope. It's difficult to get out of that cycle of negative thinking.

Someday someone won't disappoint you! Here's a hug.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> I don't want to see you languish in negativity. There is hope. It's difficult to get out of that cycle of negative thinking.
> 
> Someday someone won't disappoint you! Here's a hug.


Thanks, but I am negative. It's just part of who I am.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

If you don't make an effort to be more positive, it'll be difficult to be happy and free of anxiety. :sigh


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I can't be positive. I'm a pessimist, have been for as long as I can remember. And when I try to be positive, I just end up disappointed. So I'm better off being this way, so I can't be quite so disappointed when things work out crappy anyway because being the pessimist that I am...I don't expect good things to happen anyway.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> I can't be positive. I'm a pessimist, have been for as long as I can remember. And when I try to be positive, I just end up disappointed. So I'm better off being this way, so I can't be quite so disappointed when things work out crappy anyway because being the pessimist that I am...I don't expect good things to happen anyway.


OK Lloyd (Say Anything reference). :b The thing about being too negative is that it can tend to repel people, unless they make the effort to see the goodness that is really inside of you. I've always tended to be fairly pessimistic when it comes to the opposite sex as well, but I'm trying to change that.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Lloyd? :con lol
anyway... even when I wasn't pessimistic it ran people away. It's just me. People just don't like me. And if I found the "right person"(which I believe does not exist and if he/she did, they probably already committed suicide) they would accept me for who I am anyway.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Good point. I think the people who care about you would want you to be happier though. I don't think being sad is something you have to deal with your entire life.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Maybe if I found a decent person I would be happier...I was pretty happy about half of last year. Didn't last though.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I was happy during my last relationship too. It ended though so now I have to put myself back out there, which is what I'm trying to do. I do think having someone we can totally be ourselves around and someone to share our innermost thoughts and feelings would do us and most everyone on here a lot of good.

Are you looking on the internet? Considering my anxiety, that's basically the only place I've been successful, unfortunately.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> Lloyd? :con lol
> anyway... even when I wasn't pessimistic it ran people away. It's just me. People just don't like me. And if I found the "right person"(which I believe does not exist and if he/she did, they probably already committed suicide) they would accept me for who I am anyway.


How do you know people "just don't like you"? Would anything short of a life-long committment to you indicate that they don't like you?

Who's the "right person"? You probably don't have a *perfect* match out there. You may eventually find the "weird" (In your words ) person you're seeking, but I doubt he (or she) will be perfect. And even if someone did accept you 100% for who you are, it doesn't mean you are perfect.

Maybe the "right person" is the one who can love and appreciate the other person despite his/her imperfections.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> I was happy during my last relationship too. It ended though so now I have to put myself back out there, which is what I'm trying to do. I do think having someone we can totally be ourselves around and someone to share our innermost thoughts and feelings would do us and most everyone on here a lot of good.
> 
> Are you looking on the internet? Considering my anxiety, that's basically the only place I've been successful, unfortunately.


Yeah same for me...internet is my only way of meeting people, though I wouldn't call it a success...I meet alot of dishonest people  That's all I ever seem to meet. Makes me think everyone is a liar.



Optimistic said:


> How do you know people "just don't like you"? Would anything short of a life-long committment to you indicate that they don't like you?
> 
> Who's the "right person"? You probably don't have a *perfect* match out there. You may eventually find the "weird" (In your words ) person you're seeking, but I doubt he (or she) will be perfect. And even if someone did accept you 100% for who you are, it doesn't mean you are perfect.
> 
> Maybe the "right person" is the one who can love and appreciate the other person despite his/her imperfections.


People don't like me. It's pretty obvious. Well yeah, nobody's perfect...I think that's obvious.
Where did I say there was a perfect person?! :con


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Optimistic said:


> Little Miss Scare-All said:
> 
> 
> > Lloyd? :con lol
> ...


I couldn't have said it better. To me, it's not about finding the "perfect" person, but getting to know and care about someone, and loving them for who they are. That's why I cringe whenever I hear people picking each other apart. Good luck finding someone who does everything *exactly* the same as you do.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I never said I wanted somebody who was exactly like me...I know there's nobody out there who's identical to me, personality wise...that would be a little too weird...would be nice but I don't expect that. Though it would be nice to find somebody with similar interests who also accepts & at least tries to understand me.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I know, I didn't mean to imply you were looking for your exact match. I try to be open-minded and get to know the person well before passing judgment. I try not to "judge a book by its cover" in other words. Which I'm sure you do too.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

yeah cause I hate being judged too...alot of people wrongly judge me.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> yeah cause I hate being judged too...alot of people wrongly judge me.


Fear of being judged is a major element in my (and I imagine most peoples') social anxiety. It's nice to talk to people who won't make a quick, negative judgment about you. This is especially nice for people who don't necessarily attempt to fit into a very specific mold created by most of society, which is how I feel sometimes.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> Where did I say there was a perfect person?! :con


You didn't. I was sort of going off on a tangent. :yes


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> Little Miss Scare-All said:
> 
> 
> > yeah cause I hate being judged too...alot of people wrongly judge me.
> ...


Yeah, being judged sucks...especially when your own family judges you


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

You know, I just realized I'm dumb for not really seeing this before....I'm sick right now and this guy just wants me to come visit him. He never says he hopes I feel better or anything like that...doesn't ask how I'm feeling... and he wanted me to come help him move into his new house & clean it up. :um I said "Right now? I'm sick" and he just still wants me to come. :mum 
He seems to only care about himself.......


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## aboveandbelow (Jan 16, 2007)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> You know, I just realized I'm dumb for not really seeing this before....I'm sick right now and this guy just wants me to come visit him. He never says he hopes I feel better or anything like that...doesn't ask how I'm feeling... and he wanted me to come help him move into his new house & clean it up. :um I said "Right now? I'm sick" and he just still wants me to come. :mum
> He seems to only care about himself.......


He sounds like a loser. My ex girlfriend was just like that. I didn't see how miserable I was until I broke up with her, she only cared about herself. I was really sick once and she told me to "be a man". Sounds like he might have narcissistic personality, you deserve much better. Respect yourself and don't tolerate other people's bull****, or they'll treat you like a doormat. ;p


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Thanks :agree


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

We need to talk about a happier subject.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

is there such a thing? :b


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Sometimes I feel just like that.

Once you find a decent guy, you will feel much better. :yay


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

If I ever find a decent one. :fall


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## Keith Myath (Oct 21, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

I'm one of these naive people that believe all the garbage that we have to go through gets us prepared for something as long as we stick with it.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



Little Miss Scare-All said:


> If I ever find a decent one. :fall


Yes, you are talking to one now. :yes


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

:b 8)


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

*re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relationship*

Stan the Man ---leavin' 'em speechless since 1984. :kma


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

*sings*

*Love, exciting and new 
Come Aboard. We're expecting you. 
Love, life's sweetest reward. 
Let it flow, it floats back to you.

Love Boat soon will be making another run 
The Love Boat promises something for everyone 
Set a course for adventure, 
Your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore 
It's an open smile on a friendly shore. 
Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! (hey-ah!)

Love Boat soon will be making another run 
The Love Boat promises something for everyone 
Set a course for adventure, 
Your mind on a new romance.

Love won't hurt anymore 
It's an open smile on a friendly shore. 
It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's 
LOOOOOOOOOOOVE! 
It's the Love Boat-ah! It's the Love Boat-ah!*


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

*Re: re: When a guy says he doesn't have time for a relations*



srschirm said:


> Stan the Man ---leavin' 'em speechless since 1984. :kma


lol


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