# Handling anger



## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Anger is a trigger for my SA. Long story short, it narrows my options, and combines with my SA to sort of paralyze me sometimes. I try to manage my anger to avoid this scenario. I usually handle the situation fine, but then I stew about it for hours or even days sometimes, leaving me pretty useless.

In the past few days I've encountered two hot button issues for me. One was a dispute with my ex about my kids (very hot button) and the other was a generic but frustrating work problem. I found myself getting angry, but I caught myself within 20-30 minutes each time, and I was able to continue to function. I seem to be having some luck talking to myself, putting situations into perspective and reminding myself that practically speaking, anger only works for me if it motivates me to find a solution. There is almost always something I can do, if not about this situation, about the next one.

I've also had some luck managing my perception of my thoughts and feelings. I'm able to detach my self from what I'm feeling, and in so doing, keep the feeling sort of compartmentalized. I guess its sort of a mindfulness technique, although I'm not well enough informed to claim for sure that that's what I'm doing. But its helping.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

Thanks, Tania


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## Hannah (Oct 2, 2005)

Hi Atticus,

What kind of things do you do to manage your emotions? I've been practicing being more mindful too, but am in such a habit of reacting a certain way, that I'm at a bit of a loss for alternatives ways of seeing a situation sometimes. 

What have you tried and what works for you?


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

I'm experiencing some success by doing the following:

-Being aware of the feelings or thoughts as they happen.

-Accepting them

-Detaching my self from them

-Assessing their usefulness


Accepting the feelings/thoughts is the hardest part for me. They're going to happen, but they aren't a big problem unless they go on and on. I'm very used to getting angry about being angry, or frustrated over my frustration, or feeling hurt that I'm hurt. Accepting the feelings prevents the "insult" that often follows "injury".

I've gotten used to calling my feelings and the thoughts they generate bodily sensations and mental objects. That struck me as mere semantics at first, but its really helped me separate my self from what I'm feeling or thinking.

I believe emotional responses are meant to be useful, to keep me safe and balanced. Once they've informed me that something is wrong or needs to change or be addressed, they've served their purpose. I can usually get beyond the "stuck" phase by doing something about the problem or situation the emotion identifies. When I'm hurt or sad, sometimes all I can do is consider whether my expectations were realistic, but that is a lot healthier than continuing to feel hurt or sad. If I was being unrealistic, maybe I can be more realistic next time. Anger and frustration are actually easier for me, because they often point directly at an action I can take to counteract them.

What this has done for me is taken the edge off of the impact my emotions have on me. I still feel them and that can be unpleasant, but I'm more confident that I can and will manage better. 

This came about after a lot of work identifying some distorted beliefs I have. I'm way too invested in fairness, for example, and as a result I spend too much time collecting injustices to ***** about, which sets me up for the anger and frustration I often feel. I think the work on the distorted beliefs has made me a bit less prone toward anger, which has been a relief.


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## meggiehamilton (Nov 12, 2003)

Great job. :banana


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## Hannah (Oct 2, 2005)

Whoa...glad I asked.

One of my biggest, if not the biggest problems is about expectations. Then I deal with my disappointments by aversion ( a list that only seems to grow). 

I also have a hard time identifying exactly why I'm reacting and what to. That's where I should be detaching myself, giving myself time to think about it. I'll have a reaction (mostly inward), then later it will hit me what the issue really was and there not always the same as what I first thought. 

I agree, emotions are very helpful. Now I just have to calm myself, so I can get the message. Interesting point about being too invested in fairness as well. I'll have to mull that one over, it hit home tho.

I didn't fully get what you meant about about calling your feelings/ thoughts, bodilly sensations and mental objects. Is this a visualization technique? Please explain. I'm pretty aware of how my emotions affect me physically and where, and would appreciate tips on how to calm those areas. For example, I often mistook hurt for anger, but have realized that when I'm hurt my throat will constrict, but anger will tend to show itself by a tightening in my chest, where anxiety tends to knot up my stomach. It sounds silly, but sometimes its been very helpful to differentiate between them, as I tend to confuse those emotional reactions.
Thank you


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## Bon1 (Jan 17, 2005)

Atticus said:


> -Accepting them
> 
> -Detaching my self from them
> 
> ...


But, you still Love me, right;-)))) That's very important;-)

Good thoughts on anger, serves a purpose........Yeah, I had to stop and think for a minute.......When you deal with it.......Anger, being a mask for hurt and pain. I see what you're saying...........

I, identify with the aspect of fairness........I would let it run my life, cut myself out of something I really wanted to do, that felt right because I preceived it wouldn't be fair to someone else............That.....Takes a lot of.............Soul searching...............This is hard to seperate, being fair and doing what's right...................................By doing whats right we sometimes hurt ourselves the most, and we count;-)

Separating yourself, putting things in compartments.......This is good, to a degree................When I've gotton angry....................(I sometimes have to "leave" for two weeks.........If its a severe hurt, before I can actually see what happened...) I usually just waited until I calmed down, over the years I just kinda shuffled the feelings, denied them, didn't deal with them, and................They come up to bite you in the butt.............Big time, working on that now;-)

When you get angry, hurt, just think of the year 2525;-)))


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## Bon1 (Jan 17, 2005)

Hannah, I'm with you......I have a very hard time understanding separating anger, hurt..............I always thought anger, was.....Well, you're upset over something unfair, feelings hurt.......That sort of thing?


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## Hannah (Oct 2, 2005)

Bon said:


> Hannah, I'm with you......I have a very hard time understanding separating anger, hurt..............I always thought anger, was.....Well, you're upset over something unfair, feelings hurt.......That sort of thing?


Yeah, like if I got hurt, I'd immediately react with anger....well, let's just say any negative emotion would become something I was angry over. I wouldn't cry when I was hurt, I'd be angry, but anger isn't "nice", so I tend to dilute my real feelings to the point that the original meaning gets lost. I hope you're still following me...I think I'm confusing myself. And that's pretty much what happens....then I don't know what I'm feeling, so I mistrust my reaction, so I don't speak up.

So I end up being agreeable, actually really passive in real life situations.

How's it for you?


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## Bon1 (Jan 17, 2005)

[I think I do..........Only, after a while, my anger, will show, but, it's too the point, I no longer know what I'm really angry about, does that make sense? 
Let me use a relationship for an example.......I was hurt, very hurt, but, I reacted in anger.......It took a while for me to know I was hurt.........
As far as real anger.......In the last year, I can remember ONCE, where, I felt real anger........It was someone, basically making fun of a child........Rather teachings to a child..........Other than that........I have no clue............I have trouble saying "I am hurt, this really hurt me, I feel insecure" it comes out as anger........
You mentioned nice...........I became so "Cosmo" like, is it alright to feel this way, isn't it 'Wrong".......Instead of, who the hell cares, it's how I feel.............Still there simular?


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## John H (Oct 27, 2005)

Good Solid Work Atticus, to put some space emotionally between anger and youself so that you are not just reacting.......

John H


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

shwin,

I actually agree with you. I find anger very useful if I let it focus my attention on some sort of action. But when I get bogged down in how stupid it is that the highway dept does construction during rush hour, and how inept I look showing up late for work, I lose the opportunity to find an alternate route to work. I also don't write a really clever letter to the Mo dept of transportation, and they don't get the benefit of my wit.

The point is, if I'm not careful I get stuck in the anger, (or frustration, hurt, sadness) do nothing constructive about it, and end up more likely to repeat the whole episode.

*Hannah*,

Calling my feelings "bodily sensations" and my thoughts "mental objects" gave me a new vocabulary to talk to myself with. I realize that when I say "mental object" to myself, there is the word "just" implied, as in "just mental objects". I've obssessed so long over my "thoughts" that the word is pretty heavy with negative connotations for me. The word "feelings" is even more negatively charged. These other references take away some of that power.

Although language is very important to me, as I think about it, there is a visual component to the phrases. When I use the phrase "bodily sensations" I have an image of someone behind a waterfall, or standing in a field with a gentle breeze blowing. "Mental objects" strikes me as kind of funny, but not in a distracting way. I think of a cluttered attic. Without intending it, I do sort of visualize something neutral or posititve, as opposed to the hairy monsters evoked by "thoughts and feelings".


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## Hannah (Oct 2, 2005)

Bon said:


> [I think I do..........Only, after a while, my anger, will show, but, it's too the point, I no longer know what I'm really angry about, does that make sense?
> Let me use a relationship for an example.......I was hurt, very hurt, but, I reacted in anger.......It took a while for me to know I was hurt.........
> As far as real anger.......In the last year, I can remember ONCE, where, I felt real anger........It was someone, basically making fun of a child........Rather teachings to a child..........Other than that........I have no clue............I have trouble saying "I am hurt, this really hurt me, I feel insecure" it comes out as anger........
> You mentioned nice...........I became so "Cosmo" like, is it alright to feel this way, isn't it 'Wrong".......Instead of, who the hell cares, it's how I feel.............Still there simular?


Hi Bon,

I love that last bit about Cosmo. :lol Yes, it's about allowing those real reactions without the over-edit. I think its a hangover from years ago, emotions weren't really encouraged. 'Nice' was about other people and other people's perception of us (as in family) and being the most positive reflection of my family that I could be. It's just one of those things I'm just getting around to changing, I'm so used to being almost completely in my own head. It doesn't work, it's a drag and it's time to try another way.


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## Hannah (Oct 2, 2005)

Atticus said:


> *Hannah*,
> Calling my feelings "bodily sensations" and my thoughts "mental objects" gave me a new vocabulary to talk to myself with. I realize that when I say "mental object" to myself, there is the word "just" implied, as in "just mental objects". I've obssessed so long over my "thoughts" that the word is pretty heavy with negative connotations for me. The word "feelings" is even more negatively charged. These other references take away some of that power.
> 
> Although language is very important to me, as I think about it, there is a visual component to the phrases. When I use the phrase "bodily sensations" I have an image of someone behind a waterfall, or standing in a field with a gentle breeze blowing. "Mental objects" strikes me as kind of funny, but not in a distracting way. I think of a cluttered attic. Without intending it, I do sort of visualize something neutral or posititve, as opposed to the hairy monsters evoked by "thoughts and feelings".


Atticus,

Ok, I see what you mean I think. You've chosen other words so that you're not bound to your old associations with them. Yeah, that's smart. I see what you meant by saying it is a matter of semantics. It is really and that's a powerful approach. Kind of like forging a new path to the same place, but without all the old roadblocks. See....it's already working (teehee) I never thought of applying that way. Thanx 
btw great post.


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