# Asked a girl out



## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

I was just rummaging in my memories for something positive when I remembered about this incident in August 2010.

There is this girl I got really friendly with in 2009 when she had to leave the country on a foreign assignment. When she returned in August 2010, I mustered up the courage to ask her out on a date. She told me, "I'm not looking for a relationship now." I believed her. Then the next day she went on a date with this other guy from the office. I felt very cheated and angry and frustrated etc etc... I thought it was the end of the world and that I had lost all faith in humanity and that I would never ask another woman out ever again.

One year down the line, I find it funny how little I have thought about that incident since then. I have not asked any woman out since then but I don't feel so negative now.

Problems sometimes seem bigger than they are.


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## Lachlan (Jul 3, 2008)

Well done for asking her in the first instance!


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

Boringboy, change your nickname right now dude ! You're not boring, just scared, and you can change that.

Concerning the fact that you asked this girl out, I congratulate you, it's a first step. But ! It's only one (1) step. You won't go far if you limit yourself because of one failed attempt. She was not into you, so what ? There are many girls out there that would love you for what you are, but you have to become what you are, not some "boringboy" hiding under the skin of anxiety.

"C'est en forgeant que l'on devient forgeron", it's a French proverb that says that it's by doing something over and over again that you get better.

Oh, and I'm gonna steal the sig of another member of the forums to illustrate my point :

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

It was Samuel Beckett who said that, but it's a universal truth. You have to try and fail to become better at anything.


Edit : your problem might be that you're overthinking every one of your actions, and that paralyzes you because you rehearse in your mind everything bad that could ensue from taking action. But nothing good ever happens without any failed attempts, I tell you what.


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## kirabranwen (Mar 19, 2010)

I hope you find the courage to try again soon! And even if she turned you down, I bet she still remembers you. Girls like to be asked out, even if they say no. 

Good luck out there!


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Just the fact that you asked her out in the first place puts you above many other members of this forum. Including me. 

Good job!


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## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

How do I stand a chance against these men who move so fast ? Tonight I was invited to this dinner and I went (always up for free food ). There I met this new researcher who came to town one week ago, and he already had a date !! I have been here 3 years, and I have asked one girl and been turned down !! He's good looking and well-built, and I am have fat that resists exercise better than asbestos resists heat. He has nice hair while my head is like the Sahara desert. How can I ever compete against such people ? They don't even wait to "be friends" with someone, they just ask the girl out, and I'm sure more often than not the girl says yes !


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

A free advice : never try to befriend a girl you want to date.

You don't want to be Mr. Nice Guy. Accept that you find this girl hot and that you want to get to know her as a human being, and also that you simply just want to have sex with her. Nothing's wrong with it. Let your personality resurface, to hell with gallantry ! Just be an interesting man that is confident in his desires and isn't scared to show them.

You have to stop pretending that girls are like dolls that you put on a pedestal. They have desires, too, just like us.

Wait... you live in France ???

Es-tu français ou bien passes-tu seulement des vacances ici ?


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## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

Oui, je suis français, mais le forum étant en anglais, je préfère rédiger mes posts en anglais.

I understand the part on desires etc. The problem is that when I feel disgusted at what I see in the mirror, how can I credibly approach anybody with this ?


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

You might have perception issues like most of us who suffer from SA.

I also find myself ugly in the mirror sometimes. But the opinion of the mirror has a major flaw : the judge is also the judged one.

So I'll suppose that you're an average looking guy in his late twenties, with a bit of receding hair and some "embonpoint" working against him. So what's the problem ? Do some exercise (not only will you get in better shape, but you'll also be happier), ask a good hairdresser to make you a haircut that would suit _you_ personally, maybe ask a professional who is knowledgeable about men's style what kind of clothes would fit you.

You know, appearance is something that is easily changed, contrary to popular belief. I didn't see a picture of you, but unless you have some kind of deformity, it's almost certain that you have the potential to become a good-looking man.

There are two paths to gain confidence if you find yourself ugly :

1) unselfconsciousness : you work on becoming less self-conscious about how you look ;

2) or actually becoming good-looking.

I said "or", but I'm wrong, it should be an "and". You should work on both ends at the same time. It's a long process, I'll concede you that, but you want to do it, right ?

For now, just don't think too much about dating (but don't overshadow this thought neither), and focus on becoming more confident by improving your looks and by becoming less self-conscious about it at the same time.

Edit : dans quel coin de France habites-tu ?


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## phi (Aug 1, 2011)

oh the same thing happened to me with a couple of men
and i think i have done this to 
i dont think it was the individual that was disliked 
its like the mind is oppening up to the idea if being asked more times thats all
it seems strange the 1st time being asked if no one has in a while
its a bit strange then one gets used to the idea


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## dominicwalli (May 12, 2011)

next time...dont make it look forced...just go,say hi,say some stuffs and then out of nowhere tell her if she wants to go to this nice cofee place,something like that..


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## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

Aedan said:


> You might have perception issues like most of us who suffer from SA.
> 
> I also find myself ugly in the mirror sometimes. But the opinion of the mirror has a major flaw : the judge is also the judged one.
> 
> ...


Well, I actually hate my image so much that I do not have a single mirror at home. I have learned to shave and comb my hair (what's left of it) without a mirror. I feel extremely guilty when I appear in the department photo because I feel that I have ruined the whole picture.

I understand about the trying to look good etc and I have been there a few times but the good feeling never lasts long and then I fall back into the pit again. Just need to persevere more I suppose.

Being less self-conscious is another matter. This morning I actually hid in the basement of my office building because there were people on the staircase ! Then I realized what a stupid thing it was to do. Yet I could not bring myself to go out until the sound of footsteps stopped. This is why I try coming in to work very early so I don't have to meet anybody.

Right now, I'm not even thinking about dating. In fact, sometimes I feel that there should be a law against people like me polluting the human gene pool. But that is a stupid thought again.

J'habite St-Etienne. En ce moment je bosse dans un labo de recherche cnrs mais je pense qu'ils vont bientôt me virer. J'ai rien foutu ces dernières années car je n'arrive pas à me concentrer sur mon travail.
Et toi, que fais-tu (à Paris ?)?



phi said:


> oh the same thing happened to me with a couple of men
> and i think i have done this to
> i dont think it was the individual that was disliked
> its like the mind is oppening up to the idea if being asked more times thats all
> ...





dominicwalli said:


> next time...dont make it look forced...just go,say hi,say some stuffs and then out of nowhere tell her if she wants to go to this nice cofee place,something like that..


I guess my mistake was to become friends with this girl and fall into the "nice guy" stereotype. She obviously wanted someone who would use her and throw her away like a piece of scrap paper, and that's exactly what she got. Good for her !!


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## phi (Aug 1, 2011)

boringboy said:


> I guess my mistake was to become friends with this girl and fall into the "nice guy" stereotype. She obviously wanted someone who would use her and throw her away like a piece of scrap paper, and that's exactly what she got. Good for her !!


shameful for some one to talk like that about others, its making them less than what they really are.
its the shame that brings people down like i read. 
its just a distraction from happyness hard to over come when one does not know were it came from and how to make it better

so are you so angry and still dedicating your time to her because you think she did this to you intentionally? You think her plan was to make you miserable?


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## Aedan (Jul 21, 2011)

boringboy said:


> Well, I actually hate my image so much that I do not have a single mirror at home. I have learned to shave and comb my hair (what's left of it) without a mirror. I feel extremely guilty when I appear in the department photo because I feel that I have ruined the whole picture.
> 
> I understand about the trying to look good etc and I have been there a few times but the good feeling never lasts long and then I fall back into the pit again. Just need to persevere more I suppose.
> 
> ...


It seems like you have severe social phobia and maybe a body dysmorphic disorder too... Hold on, I'm gonna give you some tips in a private message. You just can't go on like that forever !

Moi j'habite à Paris donc et je suis des études de graphic design. Le boulot n'est pas assuré à la sortie mais c'est un secteur en expansion assez rapide et où la créativité prime sur les diplômes, ce qui me convient tout à fait.

C'est comment de bosser au CNRS ? Quel genre de métier y exerces-tu (si c'est pas trop indiscret, sinon tu zappes ma question, np) ? Mon petit frère vient tout juste de commencer sa quatrième année d'école d'ingénieur et ce serait cool d'avoir un retour d'expérience de la part d'un mec qui travaille au CNRS, quand bien même il souffre de SA.


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## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

phi said:


> shameful for some one to talk like that about others, its making them less than what they really are.
> its the shame that brings people down like i read.
> its just a distraction from happyness hard to over come when one does not know were it came from and how to make it better
> 
> so are you so angry and still dedicating your time to her because you think she did this to you intentionally? You think her plan was to make you miserable?


Yes it's shameful and I feel terrible to have written that.
But it's also true that if she had given me a chance and gone out with me I would have cared for her instead of being like the jerk who dumped her a few months later.
Maybe I'd be caring because I'd be too afraid to lose her.
Maybe I deserve to be snubbed and she deserves to be dumped.


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## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

boringboy said:


> Yes it's shameful and I feel terrible to have written that.
> But it's also true that if she had given me a chance and gone out with me I would have cared for her instead of being like the jerk who dumped her a few months later.
> Maybe I'd be caring because I'd be too afraid to lose her.
> Maybe I deserve to be snubbed and she deserves to be dumped.


My old man was telling me about how when he was a young guy, being unpopular and not particularly attractive, he was rejected by numerous girls in highschool and in his early twenties. It made him feel desperate and unwanted. He said that nearly all of the attractive highschool girls dated the good-lucking athletic guy. Twenty some years later at the highschool reunion, he sat down at the table with some of those highschool 'former hotties'. They all had kids, were divorced, and were complaining about their loser ex-spouses. Throughout the night my Dad said those woman were practically groping him and acting friskily, which of course he had to turn down. Do you think those woman would have given him a chance before getting dumped on by handsome losers?* To me, that is just justice being served up by the universe.

That's not to say good-looking people are de facto jerks, not at all, but there definitely is a 'type' of man that treats women poorly. I have seen plenty of really handsome men treat their girls like garbage cuz they know there are more women out there to be had. When there is no limitation on what you can acquire, there isn't as much value.

I give you a lot of credit! It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, especially someone that you have known for a little while. There are all of those unseen variables and you don't know if it will make the situation awkward when you see that person again. The best thing to do is just accept that a no is just a no and not read anything into it. If you want to know why you were turned down, OK, but all anyone can do is put forth effort. Ohhh and since you're bilingual, have you thought about hitting up some tourists? American girls are really into the french accent. I'm not sure if English birds are...

*Things obviously worked out for my old-man since he relayed this story to me. He's been married to the same pretty woman (my mother) for 25 years now. Being persistent worked out just fine, he just had to find a wise woman.


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## phi (Aug 1, 2011)

boringboy said:


> Yes it's shameful and I feel terrible to have written that.
> But it's also true that if she had given me a chance and gone out with me I would have cared for her instead of being like the jerk who dumped her a few months later.
> Maybe I'd be caring because I'd be too afraid to lose her.
> Maybe I deserve to be snubbed and she deserves to be dumped.


i saw a quote posted by someone here on SA and i saved it because i like it 
When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.
*Helen Keller*

seems to apply to both of us


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## boringboy (Aug 8, 2011)

So for the past few months this girl has been with her latest boyfriend. It seems it might stick this time. They moved in together, their housewarming party is tonight and I'm invited. I said I'd go, but now I'm getting second thoughts. :-(


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