# Opposites attract then attack?



## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

Apparently research suggests too many differences are not good as far as happy longterm relationships go.

http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/success/ehtv_player_pop?vid=27


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## Mindflyer (Mar 25, 2007)

I agree. I should point out that I use eHarmony myself.

I personally prefer girls who have the same interests as me. I never really understood why someone would find an opposite so attractive. Whatever floats your boat I guess. But Dr Warren is probably right about the marriage statistics he discussed.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

I've been saying this all along, opposites don't make good matches. And I'd say if their are 2 people together who claim to be opposites their not as different as they think. As for me I want someone very very simular to me.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

It depends on what similarities you have and what differences you have.

EHarmony would have never in a million years linked my husband and I together. But yet we got together, dated, fell in love, and will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this year. Everyone is different. Some people want someone who is like them, other people enjoy having some contrasts. 

Obviously you cannot be polar opposites completely.

I think the big mistake is trying to make a science out of love. Love is illogical on so many levels its impossible to truly understand why people are attracted to certain people and not others.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

Being opposite in too many ways simply gives a couple an endless list of things to argue about, such as:

-one is a spendthrift & the other is a cheapskate

-one always wants to go out and party & the other just wants to stay home

-one loves to watch sports all the time & the other hates sports

-one wants sex 3 times a day and the other thinks 3 times a month is a bit much

-one is deeply religious & the other thinks the bible is a fairy tale

-one is an NRA member & the other won't allow a gun in the house

-one wants to live in the city and the other out in a distant subdivision.

-one wants an SUV and the other want to hug a tree while an SUV is set ablaze

-one wants kids and they other can't stand kids

Do you think the couple I just described above is going to last long?


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## pillowcase (Feb 24, 2007)

^ is this a description of a real life couple you know who have lasted together for 39 years or something ? if the two opposites were mature and open to constant compromise and negotiation than sure it could work.
I don't think too much similarity is necessarily a good thing. Someone who has different interests and likes can open your eyes and introduce you to new experiences.


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## R (Jun 13, 2006)

They teach this in intro to psychology, that opposites don't make for good long term relationships. Obviously there are going to be exceptions, but they wouldn't mention it unless there was a strong correlation between similarities and healthy long term relationships.


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## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

Its not the number of differences which causes the problems, but rather, the types of differences which will cause the problems.

There are 3 basic types of differences, Complimentary, Supplementary, and Dissentary (last one I made the name up because entary seemed like a good endind).

Complimentary differences are those which are very positive for a relationship. For example, someone who is very bad with finances and someone who is very good with finances. The relationship paradigm moves so that the financially sound member takes charge of the finances in the relationship - this complements the financial weakness of the other partner. In the same thread, this helps aleviate many problems because having 2 heads in this case is not better then one because then more fights break out and problems occur if the 2 people constantly try and reach common ground on financial decisions with 2 strong financial people.

Supplementary differences are those which have little to no effect on the relationship whatsoever. For example, quiet time hobbies. He likes playing video games and she likes reading. He doesnt really like reading and she has no clue to the difference between an Xbox and a Playstation.

Dissentary differences are those which create a negative effect on the relationship - for example sex drive. Since sexuality is one of the relationship fundamental connection paradigms (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) having differences here will really cause problems in the long run.

And yes opposites do attract - the idea is to find someone who provides the most complementary differences while the least dissendary differences. Like people said, being with someone to similar to yourself would be just plain booting.

That being said, having complementary differences in common is just as bad as having dissendary differences different.

So the formula goes something like this.

function Attraction_level find_my_mate(Partner potentialmate){

Attraction_level = 0

foreach(COMP and DISS in OurRelationship(me,potentialmate)){

If COMP.dif > DISS.dif attraction++
If COMP.diff < DISS.dif attraction --
If COMP.sam > DISS.sam attraction --
If COMP.sam < DISS.sam attraction ++
}

return Attraction_level

}


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## elephant_girl (Dec 10, 2004)

I've never understood the whole opposites attract theory. I've known people that were the opposite of me, and I hated them. When it comes to long term relationships I want a guy that is just like me, or at least 80% like me. Otherwise I think I'd always be too frustrated with the guy to enjoy being in the relationship.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

personally i think there are only a few things that would cause problems:

if one has a higher sex drive than the other
if one likes more social settings than the other
if one wants kid(s), the other doesnt
if one wants marriage, the other doesnt

anything else can be worked with


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

elephant_girl said:


> I've never understood the whole opposites attract theory. I've known people that were the opposite of me, and I hated them. When it comes to long term relationships I want a guy that is just like me, or at least 80% like me. Otherwise I think I'd always be too frustrated with the guy to enjoy being in the relationship.


In ANY relationship there is a certain amount of compromising going on, I dont care if you have EVERYTHING in common (which I would find boring BTW) no two people are going to agree on everything.

Like I said earlier, it depends on what the common and uncommon factors are. My husband and I both have a child from a previous marriage and knew we didnt want children. We both enjoy wine and beer. He was an outdoorsy kind of guy and I was a city girl. But he introduced me to that and opened my eyes to something I might not have otherwise tried. I like rock and metal music, he likes blues and jazz. He is 13 years older than me. I have faith in God and he does not. Pretty opposite on some factors...but yet we manage to make it work. Are there disagreements on somethings?? ABSOLUTELY!!! But show me a marriage/LTR that DOESNT have disagreements. If you want to work things out you can. And if you cant then its over. Every relationship is like that. Having commonalities is no guarantee of a successful marriage/relationship.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

However similar people are, they still tend to find things to fight about, reasons to hate each other for a day or a week. The relationship either grows more sour, maybe to the point of ending, or all of this bickering, childishness and tension is just the makings for makeup sex. And, with many couples, it's just a repeat of that process. They stay with each other, never really being as satisfied as they'd like to be, but their hope, belief in true love, desperation, low self-esteem or whatever, keeps them together. Sometimes they even end up killing one another.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Well, I'm way too abnormal socially to ever find a girl that is similar to me, and that I'm actually attracted to. So I guess the only other option is the possibility of dating someone who is much different than me. But realistically I'm aware that even that will never work. I mean seriously, when's the last time you saw a socialphobe in a LTR with some wild club-going party girl?


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## Xplash (Sep 28, 2005)

I think the saying refers to opposite personalities attract. Which i think is true a lot of the time. You can have completely different personailties but still share a lot of common interests/hobbies.


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## loner2389 (Oct 28, 2006)

I've only had really loud girls like me, but I *really* don't like girls who are loud .


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## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

*Re: re: Opposites attract then attack?*



Xplash said:


> I think the saying refers to opposite personalities attract. Which i think is true a lot of the time. You can have completely different personailties but still share a lot of common interests/hobbies.


Exactly, and apparently what the research shows is that similar personalities make for better and longer marriages.


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## SusanStorm (Oct 27, 2006)

I think that someone who have some similarities as me is something that I want,but I also think that someone who has some differences from me is a good thing.
But I also know that being with someone who is similar to me can be a bad thing too.It can drive you crazy so I think some differences is needed in a relationship.

But this is something that is different from person to person.


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