# Manipulative, calculating friend? Is it normal?!



## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

So I have these two friends who I've
Known for quite some time. One
of them I get along with pretty
well, except there is one thing- she
can be manipulative and mean at times,
and she is passive aggressive about her
feelings. I am not like this at all. If something
is bothering me I would rather talk about it
than keep it inside like she does. Some examples
of how she can be:
-bending the truth and telling my other friend
things I've said (taken out of context and stuff)
-I'm shorter than her and one time she was talking
about how she was tall and said " at least I'm not
a small idiot" ..
-calling my other friends boyfriend ugly
- talking badly about my other friend but
then acting like everything's perfectly fine around her..

There have been other things, I'm just wondering
Do you think its NORMAL to have a friend like this?
I'm a girl and I know how girls can be insecure
and back stabbish.. But honestly most of the time
I feel like I deserve a better friend than her, I just haven't
Found one .. I don't treat her like she treats me.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Just by reading the title, no. Dump her and look for new friends.


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

It's not really as easy as just 
Looking for a new friend, haven't
Really made a good new friend in 
About 2 years :/


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

I know it's not easy, but in my opinion it's better to be alone for awhile than be around someone who treats you poorly.


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## Ivy60 (Aug 16, 2013)

Find a better friend and try to distance yourself from her. These kinds of people are toxic.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

imho, no its not normal  what does she say about you behind yr back? personally i wouldn't listen to her slag of yr other friend, try saying things like u dont want to hear it, yr not interested etc, good luck maybe she will change


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

If I could just find a better friend I wouldn't even be discussing her haha. It's not really easy to just meet someone new. My sa is pretty bad. I'm mostly just meeting people online at this point and hoping something good comes out of it. :/


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## Letmebe (Dec 17, 2012)

Ivy60 said:


> Find a better friend and try to distance yourself from her. These kinds of people are toxic.


This, she sounds like a sociopath I dealt with one of those last spring; it could literally drive you insane if you stay around her and destroy whatever confidence you have.

Trust me dump her you will be glad you did, and even if it takes time to make new friends at least you won't have toxic ones anymore.

Source: experience


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

I can't really dump her without dumping
my other friend. That's the only problem..


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## Ivy60 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tinydancer20 said:


> I can't really dump her without dumping
> my other friend. That's the only problem..


Maybe you can share your problem with with the friend you get along with? She might understand and actually agree. You won't know until you find out and then maybe you and her could both stop being friends with her.


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

Ivy60 said:


> Maybe you can share your problem with with the friend you get along with? She might understand and actually agree. You won't know until you find out and then maybe you and her could both stop being friends with her.


Yup that's what Id do. Just be completely upfront with the other friend and tell her everything that's happened and how youre feeling. Chances are she probably feels similar, and might even tell you the things your toxic friend has said about you. Then you both could realize shes a bad friend and ditch her.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Can I have her number?


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

Oh trust me, I've talked about it with my other friend.
We have all known each other for a long time, like 7
years now. She has distanced herself a lot from her at times
, but I know she will never completely cut her out. So basically
I could cut her out, but that would probably make me look
like the bad guy and just make the whole situation worse...

I guess I just have to distance
myself from her and not completely
cut her out .. Although at times I
wish I could just find new friends completely,
I simply haven't found any other people that I fit with,
(despite both of their flaws, I do click with them)


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## fm5827 (Mar 7, 2011)

Tinydancer20 said:


> Oh trust me, I've talked about it with my other friend.
> We have all known each other for a long time, like 7
> years now. She has distanced herself a lot from her at times
> , but I know she will never completely cut her out. So basically
> ...


Thanks for replying to my thread, pretty similar situation to what I'm in right now, except its only with my best friend and like you I'm worried about cutting him off as a friend as I also don't have that many friends. I think you're right in distancing yourself from her and see what happens. Its just I know myself how hard it can be to make good friends so I don't think you want to cut her off completely. Does this friend have many other friends?


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## HumbleTears (Aug 21, 2013)

distancing from her will probably help, even thoigh it's hard. manipulative and passive agressive friends are toxic people that don't deserve your time and friendship. i went through something similar. i had managed to make a best friend, but i soon saw her true colors, which were like the person you are talking about. the reason i fought so hard to keep that friendship alive was because i didn't want life to go back to the way it was before- friendless. the mistake i made was trading my happiness just so i could be allowed to call someone "my friend". it was not worth the tears and stress it gave me. it was hard to go back to my 'friendless" life, but you have to let some things go to move on in life.


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## BadGirl (Jan 6, 2013)

You deserve a better friend.


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

FM- no, she doesn't have many other
friends, that is where we are similar, both
quiet and don't really make friends easily.
It's just a shame because there is a side to
her that I really do like, she can be fun and
I get along with her, but when she gets mad
or hurt her passive aggressive and manipulative
insecure nature will come out and it's just
draining. I haven't had a bad incident with get
in a while
but I think it's just cus we haven't been
seeing much of each other. It's one of those
Friendships I kind of feel like I'm walking on eggshells
at times. I know I deserve a better friend ,
At least one that handles their emotions in a better
way. Another thing that bugs me about her is she's very
I don't know.. fake, like she pretends to like things or people
and fakes a smile even when she's upset or angry , which kind of
goes with her passive aggressiveness. Ugh.


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## enjo (Sep 20, 2011)

I have a friend like that. Same thing.
Sometimes, She was cruel and very mean to me in front of our other friends.
Yet, she was awfully sweet and did extreme actions to redeem herself.
Sometimes I hate her, sometimes I love her.
I can't count the # of times she bullied me and criticize me til I'm about to break down though I really never get to that point because once she sensed that I'm about to lose my temper, she backs off and becomes nice to me again. She also makes me feel she's always there for me, unlike our other friends..that's why I just can't dump her. She also do the same thing to our other friends.. Being extremely mean, while being super sweet and kind esp. when we start to avoid her. Most of her friends are naive and oblivious like me. thus, My relationship to her is a crazy cycle during college. 
She kept accusing me of being manipulative when in fact, she's the one who manipulate us.
She just loves to force her negative opinions to be our opinions too.
Then during their clinicals, one of our profs diagnosed her having a borderline personality. 
People with BDP are manipulative and hates to be alone. Her being mean is her way to seek attention. Her "im-always-there-for-you-attitude" make us feel dependent to her whenever we need one but it turns out she projects her frustrations/feelings of loneliness to us.
It's really stressful to be engaged with a person who has borderline personality.
It took me alot of courage to confront her skewed reality. I did a little and it somehow eased up the tensions but her prob was so deeply rooted in her, she seek professional psyche help.
MAYBE, your friend has some personality problem too. 
I really believe people aren't really born cruel and mean.. I know you don't deserve to be treated that way. But atleast, try to find the root cause of her attitude. Maybe you'll understand her more.
And from there, decide how to help her (make her realize her attitude so she'll change, confront her, etc) if you still want to save that friendship instead of abandoning her.


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## Tomfoolery (Mar 31, 2012)

Sounds toxic. Time to distance yourself. I get that it's not easy. Been through it, myself. It's worth it though. I've no patience for anyone that behaves that way anymore.


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## pineapplebun (Oct 25, 2011)

I've actually come across many girls like this, it's not all that uncommon. Though I feel this is a common occurrence, I can't imagine calling that kind of person a friend. I mean in order for me to consider them a friend, I'd have to trust them, and why would you trust someone who'd betray you given the opportunity? Lack of loyalty and integrity IMO. Plus, no one should have to deal with someone who belittles them, and tries to speak ill of them. If that's a friend, what the frick is an enemy? A genuine friend is rare, but so valuable and worth fighting for. I've come across many that weren't quiet, and were actually social butterflies, and they will attempt to damage your social circle. It's actually a form of bullying. People who are naive and immature enough, will pick sides without trying to confront you to get to hear the other side of the story. You'd be amazed that even though people will see this person's behaviour as wrong, most will follow like sheep, until they get bitten (which shouldn't come as a surprise - a person who gossips to you will generally gossip about you, you just wait).

And granted people like this are manipulative, whose to say that nice side is even genuine? It's easy to pretend to be nice or at least polite. People are image conscious after-all. I mean, everyone has good qualities about them, even jerks can be nice occasionally, so I don't see how any redeeming qualities justifies the sh*tty behaviour. So as everyone has said, I'd keep my distance or straight out cut her because investing time you can't get back on a toxic relationship, especially someone you can't trust, is a good waste of time. I think it comes down to having self-respect as well. A person who respects themselves will try to remove or distance themselves from people who treat them badly. There are people who just know how to take, and will exploit this (expect you to be there for them, ask for favours, but are no where to be found when asked to reciprocate the favour). Believe that you deserve to be treated better, and seek people who know how to actually be a friend.

I've cut lots of people out for this reason and I don't regret it. I felt that if I stayed, I'd essentially be saying that I'm a doormat and no matter how badly they'd treat me, I'd still be there for them. That's not loyalty, that's stupidity IMO. They were enjoyable company, and I had known some for many years myself. It was hard at first, but I've just accepted that life is about weeding people out and finding out who your real friends are. I suppose crappy people exist so that we learn to appreciate the genuinely good person that come by. I have little tolerance for such behaviour now.


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

That's the thing, my other friend
who isn't manipulative is
too nice, so she is always getting
the brunt of the manipulative friends
behavior. It's like they feed off of each other.
She kind of bosses her around and she will
sometimes insult her indirectly, with tiny things, like 
saying that a guy she likes is ugly, etc. She doesn't
do it to me nearly as much because I guess she senses I'm not
as easily hurt and controlled? 

I really do want to make genuine friends
that don't try to hurt people, and also ones that
can stand up for themselves and not take abuse so easily like my other friend,
but I just haven't found any. In order to be friends
with someone I need to feel that click, that connection,
(otherwise I just feel more lonely, like the person doesn't understand)
but that connection hardly ever happens with people I meet :/

I stick around them because 1. All that aside, I do click with the good sides
Of their personalities
and 2. No other friends

Cutting them both off as friends isn't like a good feeling
to me. It's not like "ahhh freedom, don't have to deal with
that crap anymore", it's more of a sadness because I know
I'd miss them for their good qualities.


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