# Really threatened by experience



## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Ok I'm a year older than him, I'm a virgin, he's not. I didn't need to know this and he doesn't know my "situation". Only reason it came up is because we've only really just started going out and thing's got a bit rocky so he explained to me why and told me something really bad that happened to him and how it effects him sometimes he said about having sex to feel alive. And I felt like ****. I know... that's stupid to be that self absorbed. And I said something about him today that he misinterpreted and I didn't mean in that way and he was like "I told you that?" and I just said oh never mind I didn't mean, that. I feel really threatened by it and can't stand the thought of him with anyone it makes me feel sick. physically sick, I don't like being inexperienced it's just another thing to feel threatened by. And even if/ when I do sleep with him I feel like he's got one over on me and there's still been others, why'd he have to say that. How do I shut my head off...


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

I feel the same way. Thats why I only ever want to be with another virgin, I'm very very jealous :lol. Well its not just that though I want them to have the same ideals as love as me (first is their only, waiting till marriage, etc) and simular life experience. Anyway if you really really like him and don't wanna be alone you should try to deal with it...maybe talk to him about your insecurities or something. Me as lonely as I am I'd rather be alone then with someone whos not my perfect match.


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

He's a jerk. He's looking for a short term user type relationship. Dump him.


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## hyacinth_dragon (Dec 28, 2008)

LoneLioness said:


> I feel the same way. Thats why I only ever want to be with another virgin, I'm very very jealous :lol. Well its not just that though I want them to have the same ideals as love as me (first is their only, waiting till marriage, etc) and simular life experience. Anyway if you really really like him and don't wanna be alone you should try to deal with it...maybe talk to him about your insecurities or something. Me as lonely as I am I'd rather be alone then with someone whos not my perfect match.


Personally I want that too, but realistically I probably won't be with a guy who is. #1 I'm not really religious & am not sure I want to get married, #2 there's simply not a whole lot of males with our mentality out there.

OP, I don't know the guy so I can't really comment on him personally, but if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself and judges you negatively because you are a virgin, you may find you regret it later if you decide to have sex with him.


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

I would like my first time to be with another virgin too.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Sunshine009 said:


> He's a jerk. He's looking for a short term user type relationship. Dump him.


Why would you make that judgement about someone you don't know?

We've been together for weeks and it's not even come up it only did by accident. We're taking it verry slowly. He's told me about something that happened to him, which was pretty disturbing, that he's never told anyone and he's scared to get close because of it and the stuff I said was what happened three years ago. Now he doesn't really have relationships or anything and neither do I but we just clicked. He's been really open with me. And understanding, the only guy I've ever felt I can talk to AND feel that way about. He doesn't make me feel bad it's just my own insecurity but I dunno how to deal with it. And he doesn't even know I'm a virgin... that's again my own insecurity not wanting to tell anyone.

He told me what he did so we didn't just break up because of his fear and so I'd understand. It seems like we've both invested a fair amount into this, I'm not just gonna end it. And we made a promise to be honest (ahem) and to be there for eachother. I'd have these insecurities no matter what.

When you first meet someone you don't know these things about them it's not like it's written all over them. So you can say you'd rather be with someone in the same situation and I agree it's easier that way but I'm already in a relationship with him. I'm not gonna ask every guy I meet what his experience is.. you know?

I just need to shut my mind off sometimes, but can't, just realised recently how jealous I can get.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

To me it sounds like he's not that experienced himself. Maybe not a virgin, but enough that he felt he he has to boost his appeal in front of you. Guys don't want to come across as inexperienced so sometimes they might feel the need to express themselves. What they don't realize is it hurts to make such comments, especially when you desire to be intimate with him. 

You should tell him your are a virgin. It's nothing to be ashamed of. After that things, will work out, be honest. But make him work for it


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Yeah I see how guys do that lol. I don't know, don't think he's that experienced in relationships but don't know about the rest and I don't really like to hear about it. I think I'll avoid bringing it up. I've got other things I feel like I'm hiding, I'm such a secretive person and I obviously have issues. I'm not just gonna sit him down and explain everything I've not shone a light on. It's not really something that just comes up. If it does come up then maybe but...


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'd really like my first time to be with a virgin, too, but the likelihood of finding a virgin my age is pretty dim. I'd at least want to date someone who would be understanding about my virginity.


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

WintersTale said:


> I'd really like my first time to be with a virgin, too, but the likelihood of finding a virgin my age is pretty dim.


Yeah especially not a virgin who is one because they want to wait til marriage.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Aside from who has what experience, is it not normal not to wanna hear and think about your bofriend being with someone else.?
Urgh I can't keep doing this to myself


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Delicate said:


> Why would you make that judgement about someone you don't know?
> 
> We've been together for weeks and it's not even come up it only did by accident. We're taking it verry slowly. He's told me about something that happened to him, which was pretty disturbing, that he's never told anyone and he's scared to get close because of it and the stuff I said was what happened three years ago. Now he doesn't really have relationships or anything and neither do I but we just clicked. He's been really open with me. And understanding, the only guy I've ever felt I can talk to AND feel that way about. He doesn't make me feel bad it's just my own insecurity but I dunno how to deal with it. And he doesn't even know I'm a virgin... that's again my own insecurity not wanting to tell anyone.
> 
> ...


Well, it is _possible_ that he's a horrible, cyincal b*****d who's angling for pity sex and making up that stuff about his trauma, but I hope he's not and I don't think it's likely.

In your shoes I think I'd be honest with him and tell him that you feel threatened by his experience - make sure you tell him calmly and stress that you know the feeling is irrational but you can't just switch your feelings off. Don't blame him or yourself; it's nobody's fault, just unfortunate. If you fear that you won't be able to talk about it without getting upset, it may be worth writing down what you want to say.

I don't think it's that unusual to be hyper-jealous the way you describe, but no, it's not fun. Maybe work on your own insecurities, it might help you feel less jealous?


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## morning_glory (Mar 13, 2009)

Delicate said:


> Aside from who has what experience, is it not normal not to wanna hear and think about your bofriend being with someone else.?
> Urgh I can't keep doing this to myself


I don't think anyone likes to think about their boyfriend with someone else. Some of us dwell on it more than we should though (I know I do sometimes). You just have to remember that if it was so great he would be with her instead of you. Also, from what I hear guys _really_ like virgins.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Yeah but that's in a patronizing... she's so sweet and pure and innocent way... It's not really like that I find it hard getting close to people. He actually asked me why that is and I gave him an example but it's really an on going issue.

I don't think it's a pity thing he told me what had happened and said he didn't want to see me as much because he needed to sort his head out. I don't really want to go into details to strangers because it is personal to him. And we were friends before anything else so... I don't think it's like that at all. We didn't speak for about a week I was really stressed out because I didn't know what was going on. this was after we "talked". Now we're sort of together again, he said he's sorry he's messed me about and he told me because he didn't want me to think he was just being a dick by being distant and so maybe I'd understand and so I'd maybe not leave him because he HAD been really distant. It IS very complicated so just trust me, please.

It seems like women just expect men to mess them about and be playing games and messing with their mind. He's a friend first and I honestly don't think he's playing up the pity thing. There's only one other person who knows what he told me and if you knew him he's a really happy sort of person.. it's not like he's all depressive and.. feel sorry for me. I was very surprised and I respect him for handling it so well.

See I really started this discussion about my insecurities it's just an example of how I came to be thinking about it. I'm trying to work on my insecurities but it seems like it's going to take years of training my mind I really don't know what to do it's like my head's ****ed. It's funny because he tried to slow it down.. maybe stop it because his head's been messed up and now I'm sort of thinking the same thing. It's not worth losing somebody over though I care about him now but I just know all the time that I can't handle emotions and I do stuuupid things so I don't have to deal with them. That makes it complicated for me but if I don't deal with it then I'll pretty much be alone forever, you know?


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## eagleheart (Jun 14, 2007)

Yes I totally understand. 

I had kind of a friend once, but I think we kind of liked each other. But for one thing I felt sooo intimidated because he said that his past was "long and scary" but after all he was "OLDER" than me. Well, still!

And when you are with a boyfriend and he enumerates the number of people he's been with so far, and speculates on how many he will have been with by a certain age... that just makes you feel GREAT!! not.

Fortunately, after these creepy events, I've fallen for an amazing person. But I agree it can be hard not to keep feeling inadequate.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I feel so ****ing sick.
Just went out with him and some friends. His friend was only a little bit tipsy, he goes "Laura are you a virgin?" so I'm like "WHAT?!" then he starts laughing. How can it be that obvious to people... I dunno but just learned that he's a bit of a freak like that so... Heard some things about the bf I didn't need to hear knowing he's experienced is one thing but hearing about it and in that manner. I feel violently ill. I shouldn't have gone, I know how guys are when they're together. He asked me to go for a drink just with him after so I did thinking I'll try and rectify this. It was hard to let him touch me and he's like "what's wrong?" "is something wrong?" "if something's wrong you CAN tell me?" I just feel like throwing up and I probably will thanks to my fabulous eating disorder. ****ing hate this. I can't stand... feelings. kept drinking, just felt sicker, thinking. I'm home now and not nearly drunk enough. Gonna keep drinking till I'm trashed and stop thinking and maybe throw up. But I can't tell him, ANY of this, it's like I'm now destined to be alone. I can't be with him the same way knowing what I know and I just told him he doesn't know ME that well. He said so what, I like what I do know. I like him and care about him and get on with him... WHEN it's just us. But hearing things and seeing it.. on him. I feel sick.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Aw, poor you *hugs* That friend of his was totally out of order. He's got no right to ask you something like that, and that doesn't mean it's obvious, it just means that the guy's a rude, ignorant git. Guys en masse can be pretty scary, intimidating, horrible. I've studiously avoided my boyf's mates for a long time! Did your man come to your defence when his mate asked if you were a virgin? He should have done, but I think sometimes perfectly nice guys are a bit rubbish about standing up to their mates:

"Look, he killed your mother, burned down your house and raped your cat, aren't you going to say something to him?"
"Nah. He's me mate."

Um. I digress. Alcohol is a depressant, it's not really going to help you. Hope you feel better soon.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Yeah.. I know it is... I just don't know how else to stop the thinking. Well I've just been drunkenly texting him. Just to ask if he got home alright then it led to me saying how I'd heard stuff I didn't necesarily want to hear... him seeming slightly offended... and trying to explain to him. I don't know, I think your idea of writing it down was a good idea but I don't know how to excecute that plan. To be honest I wish I'd never got involved with him and I Just told him... he shouldn't have got involved with me. I told him I have "emotional problems". I'm so SICK of having emotional meltdowns on my own I can't stand this it's stupid. I feel so sick though. I want someone and I thought he could be that person... he's really into me and I feel like I've been there for him but what's that worth? maybe we should've just stayed friends... it was HIM who made it more. I can't ****ing stand this though what's wrong with me? ...
And no he said nothing when his friend said that... i don't know if he even knows what's what ... Madison_Rose Thank you I appriciate your help SO much. Just I'm SO sick of this ****.
xx


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

You're welcome, honey, I like to help 

From your previous posts about him, he sounds like a good guy. Don't panic, stay strong! I suggest you stop texting him and sleep on it, hopefully things will look a bit better in the morning.


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

Well I thought it was a pity sex play he was making also too. Sex is not about "feeling alive" first but about the other person first. I thought that was rude to say. It is also about safe sex, making sure someone is disease free and preventing pregnacy, making someone feel comfortable when you touch, not uncomfortable. 

Look, some guys have two sides and one is a bad one and one is a very good one and it can confuse you. If that is the case, you are better off without him in peace than with him with all this drama on highs/lows. Peace is sometimes confused with boring if someone hasn't had it in a while and they overlook it as the good state it is. Peace is good, very very good.

Not really sure what exactly is happening here as you have two very sharp feelings about this man. Hopefully, like the OP said you can sort it out in the morning and see what to think and do here. I think he is insenstive and you are worth more. I don't think you are too sensitive but that you are normal and he is insensitive.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Those things you are hearing, they sound disgusting because you never experienced them yourself. You haven't gone through the motions of the sexual relationship experience, that people will have multiple partners in life. Especially when you think so highly of the guy, you want him all for you, you perhaps to some degree want to experience those things with him. You are probably nervous about not meeting expectations, but the truth of the matter is you have to open up to this guy. I'm tell you, if I was this guy, I'd be running around like a chicken with my head cut off wondering what the hell is wrong, while he has buddies that are bragging about their exploits and he's sitting there wondering why my gf doesn't want me to be intimate with her. He's probably feeling not so well himself. 

You are trying to express yourself in a roundabout way that is just ends up confusing things and in some ways you are putting misdirection when you try to cover it up. You are going to have to be straight to the point and stop hiding it and start discussing these fears you have with your boyfriend and at least hear his side of the story. That's part of what relationships are about, openness. It's when you close the doors that it is destructive because neither of you know what the other is thinking. Open up your heart and be calm and accept that was then, this is now. Good luck.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

This is now but I don't like hearing about then. I'm not disgusted by sex it's the way and what he said... it's like fair enough you talk to your mates about that, then don't invite me. I feel like I should be more experienced because I'm slightly older too. And alot of his friends he talks about are girls and they talk about this stuff to him too. He said he gets on better with girls and I can see that he does so it's not like all his mates are girls in a freaky way. And you know it's not like I'm hiding it on purpose I can't physically bring myself to talk about it. I know what you mean and I'm not being fair on him in that way. And it's not like we're purposefully not doing anything. He lives really far away he's moving closer next month and then he'll have his own place so I think his idea is that he's waiting til then. 

"I don't think you are too sensitive but that you are normal and he is insensitive."
You think? why should I have to explain then.

When I got there from work with that guy his friend he went "we can't talk about that cos laura's here" "cos she's shy" and I was like what the ****, why invite me cos both him and my bf invited me.

Don't wanna go to work today... cos they're all there.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Did you go to work today? How was it?


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Yeah I didn't see him though, now I miss him, lol, that's generally how it goes. I only breifly saw the other guy. Just nothing really. He texted me this morning and I texted him when I got out of work. He's not replied for ages. We were gonna meet after work but I didn't see him. Last night he said we should meet after work but I was in ***** mode because I feel really uncomfortable about things. Lol I feel stupid. I'm not sure what to do because, in a way I'm not sure if I should stay with him but this is the only kind of relationship I've ever had and I already care alot about him, when it's just us it's good. I feel awkward that maybe he'd talked to his friend about us or like complained about me and that's why he asked that. If it's not gonna go any further then I don't want to explain everything you know? But up until yesterday I wanted to be with him. Just don't know what to do. I'm WAY too emotional I hate that... I'm not fridgid I just have a hard time trusting people and yeah I am self conscious. I feel bad because I don't think I'm being fair on him. We went through this whole thing of him dealing with stuff and saying he's not being fair on me and now it's me who feels like ****.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

> I'm not sure if I should stay with him but this is the only kind of relationship I've ever had and I already care alot about him, when it's just us it's good.


If you care a lot about him, I'm thinking you should stay, but only you can decide that in the end. Would you be doing him a disservice by splitting up? After all, he opened up to you about his trauma, and it sounds like you two are close.



> I feel awkward that maybe he'd talked to his friend about us or like complained about me and that's why he asked that. If it's not gonna go any further then I don't want to explain everything you know?


Given that you have been noticably upset over this, I think you need to tell him about it, ask him if he has talked to his friend about you. If he told his friend that you're a virgin, that was wrong of him, and it's up to you to decide when and if you forgive him.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> Those things you are hearing, they sound disgusting because you never experienced them yourself. You haven't gone through the motions of the sexual relationship experience, that people will have multiple partners in life. Especially when you think so highly of the guy, you want him all for you, you perhaps to some degree want to experience those things with him. You are probably nervous about not meeting expectations, but the truth of the matter is you have to open up to this guy. I'm tell you, if I was this guy, I'd be running around like a chicken with my head cut off wondering what the hell is wrong, while he has buddies that are bragging about their exploits and he's sitting there wondering why my gf doesn't want me to be intimate with her. He's probably feeling not so well himself.


I understand what you mean by that and maybe I'm not being fair. Think about it from my perspective though it's not my main goal in life to stroke men's ego's... so maybe he feels uncomfortable with his friends because of me. I feel uncomfortable ALL THE TIME.



Madison_Rose said:


> If you care a lot about him, I'm thinking you should stay, but only you can decide that in the end. Would you be doing him a disservice by splitting up? After all, he opened up to you about his trauma, and it sounds like you two are close.
> 
> Given that you have been noticably upset over this, I think you need to tell him about it, ask him if he has talked to his friend about you. If he told his friend that you're a virgin, that was wrong of him, and it's up to you to decide when and if you forgive him.


Maybe not said that but just said that we haven't, well one of my friends from work asked if I'd slept with him yet I just didn't answer her cos it's no one elses business. I think we have been close or getting close. But I feel like shutting off from him I don't want to but I can't not. I'm just hurt all the time I bring it on myself. He opened up to me yes, so yes I wouldn't just want to leave him after that and you could tell it was really hard for him to say. I don't know what should I even tell him though? That I have an anxiety disorder, that I have an eating disorder, that I'm a virgin... I think he can tell anyway. It's something I can deal with it's just a bit difficult cos it's on my mind all the time and don't know how to think of him sometimes.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Delicate said:


> I understand what you mean by that and maybe I'm not being fair. Think about it from my perspective though it's not my main goal in life to stroke men's ego's... so maybe he feels uncomfortable with his friends because of me. I feel uncomfortable ALL THE TIME.
> 
> Maybe not said that but just said that we haven't, well one of my friends from work asked if I'd slept with him yet I just didn't answer her cos it's no one elses business. I think we have been close or getting close. But I feel like shutting off from him I don't want to but I can't not. I'm just hurt all the time I bring it on myself. He opened up to me yes, so yes I wouldn't just want to leave him after that and you could tell it was really hard for him to say. I don't know what should I even tell him though? That I have an anxiety disorder, that I have an eating disorder, that I'm a virgin... I think he can tell anyway. It's something I can deal with it's just a bit difficult cos it's on my mind all the time and don't know how to think of him sometimes.


That's pretty much what you gotta tell him, no circles 

I do see it from your perspective and I understand what you are going through. But if you think it ends for him when his friends leave, he's still wondering what's up with you, he wouldn't deal with it if he didn't care about you, especially with all those female friends. If you say he's friends with all these girls, isn't it ironic that he picks you out of all of them?

Although I do remember something that Sunshine009 said before she deleted her post, she shouldn't have done that because there were good things to say. I'm not trying to judge this guy because I only see based on what you wrote, but something tells me you need to find out what his intentions are. Which is why when you open up to him, you see how he reacts, what kind of person he is, if he's being natural or if he's posturing to conquer a challenge.

Which is why you have to open up. You are going to always feel uncomfortable if you keep the doors closed and keep secrets. 95% of relationships is about communication and if you can't talk to each other about your personal things, what's the point of being in a relationship?


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> I do see it from your perspective and I understand what you are going through. But if you think it ends for him when his friends leave, he's still wondering what's up with you, he wouldn't deal with it if he didn't care about you, especially with all those female friends. If you say he's friends with all these girls, isn't it ironic that he picks you out of all of them?


I'm not entirely sure what you mean. I didn't really think I've done anything wrong. They are just friends I know some of his friends and there's nothing more to it. I'm finding it hard to think about being intimate with him after hearing he's been intimate with someone he's not even attracted to. Just ignorance is bliss. I wish I didn't know some things. I don't think I saw sunshine' post before she deleted it.

When I talk about those things I get emotional and it's too hard to put into words. I'd want to and I know I should/ have to in order to have a relationship but that's why I haven't had relationships before. I find it undignifying. My mind's just really ****ed up. I don't know where to start. And I feel like I trust him less and I'm less comfortable with him now.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Delicate said:


> I'm not entirely sure what you mean. I didn't really think I've done anything wrong. They are just friends I know some of his friends and there's nothing more to it. I'm finding it hard to think about being intimate with him after hearing he's been intimate with someone he's not even attracted to. Just ignorance is bliss. I wish I didn't know some things. I don't think I saw sunshine' post before she deleted it.
> 
> When I talk about those things I get emotional and it's too hard to put into words. I'd want to and I know I should/ have to in order to have a relationship but that's why I haven't had relationships before. I find it undignifying. My mind's just really ****ed up. I don't know where to start. And I feel like I trust him less and I'm less comfortable with him now.


You didn't do anything wrong. It's completely natural to have some jealously and thoughts of disgust of imaging him, especially with someone who you feel is less attractive than you. Were human after all, I didn't enjoy it when my exs would talk about their past relationships, especially when it came to sex because I would imagine as well. I know how you are feeling and I know you'd have a hard time trusting him, but you have to find a way to open up to him, slowly.

But damn right you should get emotional, you just have to say what you are feeling. Not only you have to be fair to him, but to yourself as well.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

In what way can I be fair to myself? I don't know what's best so... I do imagine it too though and when he touches me I can't shake the thoughts. Thinking where he's been before. I didn't think he's a virgin I just don't need to hear about it... I CAN'T hear about it. Getting emotional when I talk about personal things and issues though is crying, that shaky kind of crying where you can't control it, voice shaking, freaking out kind of emotional... wow, something's really wrong with me lol. I want to try and talk to him, I wanted to even before he told me what had happened with him, it's really hard though and I don't know where to start, I don't know what "issue" to start with and I can't put it into words. I think I DO owe it to him because when he asks what's wrong I've told him I've got certain issues and don't want to talk about it. He's said he'll give me space if I need. I don't know what I want though. My family know I have bad anxiety, one friend knows about my eating disorder and that was like pulling teeth and I've never talked to anyone about my "intimacy" problems. I mean 20's not exactly old but... I didn't expect him to be as experienced as he is. But ****. I don't know. I just feel a bit... sick.

Thanks everyone who's been replying because I thought no one would once it got ugly.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Despite the anxiety, I'm sure you have moments of clarity about what your desires are, it just interferes with your thinking and mind-set. To me, judging from your title, I think that's what you worry about most. You know what you want to say, but you are afraid of the unknown, what would happen after you say these things. But that moment will never come if you bottle it up inside.

I remember before my first time, I just met a girl, I was threatened by her experience and I felt disgusted as well. When she told me she slept with 12 guys before that, I was thinking wow and you are just 17. I always envisioned I would lose my virginity to another virgin, not someone who's been around. But that didn't mean she wasn't any that less special to me. One day, we were fooling around, first time getting naked together. Before that, I heard all these stories from people how she was a **** and she did some awful things in relationships etc. Turns out those stories were true because she admitted them later to me, but that's not the point. I was just really uncomfortable with the aspect that she was so experienced that I couldn't get hard when I was with her, but I really liked her, I enjoyed her and I was damn attracted to her. It was lucky she asked if I was a virgin was when I opened up to her and told her what was on my mind. But talking to her and discussing it about it got me to be more comfortable with the aspect on her experience. After that, well 

You only you know what you want, but don't let fear be your guide. The guy likes you enough that he deals with your intricacies. So give me a little more


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

What do you mean though? what intricacies?
The way you put it it sounds like I'm putting him through hell. I don't mean to at all. I don't really know what I want though. I just feel ****ed. Moments of clarity? not sure, last week I wanted to be with him but... I can't really eat since last night.. I don't know what'd be best for me and what's best for him. It's just ****ed.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

The intricacies you described, the things that make you think you are ****ed up. He obviously wants to be around you despite your way. It is kind of hell to wonder why your girlfriend won't be closer to you, but all this hell you are feeling is with yourself, because I'm sure you want to get closer to him, but you feel you can't. 

But if he really likes you, he'll accept you for you are, the ****ed up you, in fact he won't care. He'd just want to know what is going on with you because he cares.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Thank you. I just don't deal with these things well, it's hard to explain it's just how I am. I haven't seen him in a while so I've just been left thinking. He asked to meet me tomorrow but I've sort of already made plans with a friend, I might just postpone because I feel like I need to see him I'm going kind of crazy. You know how I'd said to him that I'm just dealing with some problems and he asked me to tell him but I wouldn't, he then asked if I wanted some space, so we've rarely spoken this week. I just sucked it up and today I left him a message saying that I'm sorry I don't want space, I want to see him and I just need to talk to him more than I have been doing... It's a door that I've opened at the very least. I'm not great at the whole talking thing... When I can talk to him in person I'm gonna try and tell him that he's more experienced than me and I don't like hearing about it or I feel threatened by it. You know how it's hard to talk though. I don't know how I'm gonna do that. When it was just us all the time things were going really well so maybe when I see him alone again I'll feel different. I feel like I'm hurting when I'm with him sometimes, lately anyway, but I hurt more when I'm alone, when he's not there so...


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

You'll be all right. 

I'm sure everything will work out, be brave. Good luck!


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Well I didn't say anything but went out with him on thurday night and we had a really nice time so I felt alot better but now it's just me here on my own now I feel ****ty again. Just thinking things I wish'd get out of my head. So yes I wasn't brave, I just said I'm gonna try really hard to be open with him because some things ARE bothering me and I know I've been acting different. When I'm alone with him everything's good for the most part, now things are bothering me again. I think because we don't get to see eachother that much I'd rather just have a good time when we do. He said he knows how hard hard it is to open up about things and I don't have to... but, really I do... and he said I don't have to worry because he's not going anywhere.  I don't know how to think though.


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

Delicate said:


> He said he knows how hard hard it is to open up about things and I don't have to... but, really I do... and he said I don't have to worry because he's not going anywhere.  I don't know how to think though.


Aw, he said that? He sounds like a good guy! I can't remember if you said already, but why do you not get to spend much time together? You sound like you're just thinking too much, and you need to do something to distract yourself.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Lol yeah he went, just be yourself and don't worry about anything. I was quite touched by that actually. You're right I think too much just went out by myself to distract mysef when I was getting all depressive before. I don't see him that much because we live quite far away from eachother but he's moving soon, to be closer to work. Because I work with him I see him after work sometimes, don't see him at work that much lately or sometimes we'll meet on the weekends but haven't been seeing him that much and well... what with all the drama.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Another thing that day. His friend was saying how some guys pretend to be a virgin to girls to attract them and he was like "WHY would that attract them". Which gives me the impression he thinks it's a bad thing so, I don't want to have to say it.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Delicate said:


> Another thing that day. His friend was saying how some guys pretend to be a virgin to girls to attract them and he was like "WHY would that attract them". Which gives me the impression he thinks it's a bad thing so, I don't want to have to say it.


Being a guy and being a virgin is viewed different than a girl being a virgin. Girls being virgins has a certain temptation and value of being the first and it appeals to guys much more than girls. Some freaky girls do dig it tho.

But it sound like he's quite experienced, but I don't think it's matters to him because he's with you.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I know he's with me now and he's said that.
It might not matter to him... but it probably will, and it matters to me anyway because I feel, just **** about it. Lol I thought you said before it doesn't sound like he is that experienced. Oh well I still don't wanna think about it or know much about it either way.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

I did, but the more I'm reading this, the more it seems he might be more experienced than initially thought. Then again I'm a stranger only reading your words and does an opinion of a stranger really matter? 

The only way is to find out for yourself.......otherwise you'll never know for sure and you'll keep worrying.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Is it wrong to not want to know? I'm sort of scared to be open with him incase he leaves me. You know when start to feel secure about something and then it dissappears? I'm scared to let him in and like I say because I don't see him that much, and "talking about things" is always a drama and a hassle. We're quite close in some ways and we have fun together I just don't need to be reminded of things from the past. I'm still thinking there's alot I should talk to him about. What's the point if he might just leave though, it's just to put myself in a vulnerable position I don't want to get attatched to people if they're gonna leave me. There's never a good time to talk or a good place to start. Now he keeps saying how he sees how lucky he is now he's sorted his head out (about what he told me). I feel kind of lost though. I know it's me putting myself in that position but it doesn't feel fair.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

But notice you say close "in some ways." But there's something that you are hiding and when you two are together, it'll show. You are careful about what you say, what you do. Do you want to live like this, to be not able to talk to someone you like about yourself?

I understand you just want it to last forever, but if you never take the risk for love, it'll never happen. You can keep milking what you have now, but you'll never experience anything greater, but if you never tell the truth, in one way or another it'll unveil later on. 

I mean in one way or another, you'll want to have sex with him. Just from talking to you, it doesn't sound like you are trying abstain or you are prude, just one filled with a lot of anxiety and afraid what is on the other side. Sometimes you just have to jump. 

The anticipation of heartbreak is a painful thought, but compared it when it happens, it's nothing. In fact, these thoughts can invade in your interactions with him. With great love comes great pain. It's been 8 months since my ex left me and even now although the pain is gone, I still think about her. It's nothing bad either, it's all the good times and when I think of her, it makes me smile. All the experiences, all the fun times, the times we got so close and we were in our own world. There were many horrible times, which is why we aren't together today, but over time, you tend not to remember and remember those moments when you were close. But it was the deepest relationship in life and those memories, I'll always treasure forever. Wouldn't you rather break up with him knowing you gave it your best, rather than regretting you held back something that should have been shared. 

One day you'll be in a position where this will have to be talked about. You want to have sex with him, but something is holding you back. Discussing this with him would do wonders for you because you'll finally hear his perspective on the fears you worry about and not from some people on the internet. You hear his side of the story and hear him out. That way, you'll get some kind of closure on your fears which will let you truly experience closeness with him. 

I'm happy to try to give you advice and support, but if there's one thing about people, it's everyone is different and nothing is what it seems until you see it with your eyes. So in order for you to truly know, you'll have to find out yourself


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I'm trying to talk to him I really am but it seems like I can't do it. It's easier discussing it on here because people with anxiety issues may be more understanding and understand the irrational thoughts. And when I see him it's when we're out because we live far away from eachother and it's harder to talk about intimate things in public. He managed to though. I feel like I have to say "in some ways" yeah because I'm obviously holding back and because we've not slept together either. He just keeps talking about when he gets his own place soon and we can do this and that. It's mostly good it's just I have my own little issues not just about him and they're on my mind sometimes which is when he's asking me what's wrong... I don't even know how to put it into words because I never do. I'm scared to death of getting hurt, I may not have had an intimate relationship before which makes it seem less severe but I've still been hurt, I seem to get hurt easily and was trying to learn to be independent and strong on my own. I'm scared to become reliant on him but at the same time I'm so scared of being left alone after opening up to him. I know he said he's not going anywhere anyway. I know I have to be more open and I'm being stupid but I really am trying.

I am sorry I would discuss it with friends if we were close enough but it seemed easier to talk about it anonymously that's all. And you didn't need to reply but I appreciate that you did.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Don't be so apologetic, you are making me feel guilty for no reason!!  I don't know what I said to think you should feel bad about expressing yourself! All I want to do is help in some way, if all it means if getting you to provoke thoughts and express yourself further. It's takes times to overcome fears and express yourself. That's why I completely understand how you feel and I can relate a lot to what you say. 

Pain comes in all sorts of different ways and caused by different things. Pain is no less severe than any other kind of pain if you are feeling pain to begin with. Who wants to be hurt? From that sort of pain, you feel jaded and it takes time to overcome, no matter the circumstances. It's a totally understandable you want to protect yourself, it's automatic, it's instinct. If you talk to him, that's the risk you have to be willing to take. Pat Benetar sang a song, "Love Is A Battlefield." Who's to say he won't leave you tomorrow. And he leaves you, with that emotional weight still on your shoulders. At least if you talk to him, he'll know the real you and it'll give you the chance for you to see the real him. If he chooses to leave after that, it'll hurt, but you won't be stuck with a douche

It takes time and be strong. You should never be dependent on someone to feel good. Just be fine with who you are


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

No, I'm sorry I don't want to make you feel guilty, you didn't say anything wrong I'm greatful that you've been so helpful. I just feel stupid feeling I have to confide in people I don't even know because with people I do know I put up a barrier and try to put up a front. That's all. But it's me stuff it's my problem. You've all been really helpful.

I told him a while ago that I'm scared of people leaving me because it seems that keeps happening when I feel like I might get close to someone they leave. I think that's why he's trying to reassure me he's not going anywhere. And when I went out with him last week I heard someone shout me and it was this guy I was almost seeing and I got really devastated about because he seemed to just cut me out, then told me he was moving half way accross the country and ****ed off. My boyfiend was like... who's that... I didn't even tell him because I feel stupid that I got SO hurt about it. Plus I didn't quite recognise him I had other things to think about.

I feel sort of annoyed that he's able to be more open than me and I've tried to tell him that I like that he's open with me... but sometimes it hurts. I just don't know how else to put it. And I feel annoyed that he tried to start a relationship then told me what he did and said, he shouldn't have tried to start something. And then come back and apologised. And it might seem like I'm desperate. With all his drama he's been going through I don't want to complicate it in a way. I think it might just take time for me. I get too emotional and can't put things into words, and don't know where to start, I don't know how I'll do it but.... And if he's being honest which I'd like to think he is, he's not going anywhere.

I know I shouldn't be dependent on someone else which is why I was trying to be independent and strong by myself. When this started neither of us was expecting it to. But you're right and I'm so scared of being dependent on him. And I like that he's usually around when I need him but it makes it hurt more when he's not. At the same time I'm not prepared to lose him just so I can learn to be independent... I'd rather not lose out. He said he's not been fair on me because of his issues but I've really not been being fair on him too. But I feel really ****ty about it.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Do you trust him?


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Yeah I think I do... I definately trust him more than I have other people.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Is there any reason other than what's been said that causes you not to trust him?

You can be independent and be close to him. Don't give your life to him, share your life with him. You can't expect him to be the answer, nor can he rely on you for everything. But before you share these things, it is important to be and feel ready, especially if you guys are about to do it. Take it slow and enjoy the moments together and have good, fun times together. The more you guys bond, the more inclined you'll begin to open up.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

He's not gave me a reason not to trust him. Just when he was thinking about breaking it off it hurt alot. He's not been anything but good to me though no. I still feel a bit sick about what I heard and it's not strictly the sex, partly, I just didn't need to hear that and I don't know how he couldn't realise that. I wish I could just blot those things out of my mind. The more I see him the better it is but it is moving further and it scares me a bit. I feel like I've been dishonest by not telling him but, it's never come up.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Because of what his friend said that night to me it's like it makes an issue of the whole thing and I'm thinking... if he assumes it anyway I'll be a bit offended. I met him when he was with the same friend the other night and was pretty hesitant about it but his friend left pretty soon anyway. He refers to himself as my friend too but I just don't like how he acted that night. Maybe the alcohol just didn't help because he was pretty drunk and my boyfriend probably was a bit tipsy but it's not obvious on him. My boyfriend said how this guy told him he thinks that I'm good for him. I'm not sure how to take that though because I'm not some kind of therapy for him to try to sort his life out and get on the straight and narrow. It makes it one sided and he's not been here for me but that's only because I've not let him. I want to open up but the thing is it's not something I'll EVER feel comfortable doing. I try to open up but it's so hard. He's saying to me if it's something that's effecting me it matters but it's alot of things and it's stupid things. He's being everything he should but I'm still somewhat cynical. And now he's talking about when he gets his own place in a couple weeks and he's being SO sweet about it, asking me for my opinion about how he should decorate his room and said "I just want it to look nice for when..." and just to help him make it look like somewhere I could see myself sleeping. I'm paranoid he's just throwing me lines. I don't think he is though. I'll try again tomorrow because I might be seeing him. I really don't know what to say. Where to start. Things I'm scared of are that he'll just expect it... then I'll wonder why I'm so predictable. The other that he'll just leave because of my lack of experience. Another that we'll sleep together THEN he'll leave me. He's not made it seem like he will but I'm still extremely scared.
When SHOULD i have told him?


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

Do you feel he's leaning on you too much, talking about his problems with you? Do you feel sapped when he does it?

The most important reason for talking to him about it seeing his reaction, to see if he's really just throwing lines, or merely a caring guy who wants to make love to his girlfriend.. Personally, I think you have a good reason to be paranoid, but until you put out everything in the open so you can things more clearly, it's just paranoia. Bring it up in a conversation that's about sex, breath deep, try to be calm and just spill it out from your heart. If he's been dumping all of his issues on you, it's time he owes on the same token. 

The way you are feeling and the way he's making you feel, you should talk to him about it and you'll feel better doing so. Don't be afraid of getting hurt, easier said than done, but no pain comes no gain.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I do feel a lot of pressure when he says things like he's not had a relationship since... "then you come along" at the time I didn't realise anything about sleeping around. And I really wasn't sure what was going on when he did open up to me that day, he hurt me so much, he said he never should have started a relationship because he's not ready and he's not sure if he can. I tried to give him some space but I'm now paranoid that I acted desperate... I don't really think I did realistically but I thought **** it I'm not losing out this time by just letting it wash over me... he said "I don't mean to hurt you" and I said, "well you already have". Now he's saying the reason he's told me is because of the fact that he didn't want to lose me. It's kind of confusing and it's still effecting me and I don't know how to deal with these things well, it brings out my own issues. I really never thought I'd get so hurt by him, other times I could have seen it coming.

One thing I'm thinking is if I did have experience I wouldn't like to mention details of it infront of someone I'm in a relationship with. I keep thinking about what he said. It's sort of effecting how I see people and how I see other women and feel more threatened and bitter towards people. Nauseous. And maybe his mate was right when he said how he can't talk about things because I'm there. Even if I found it patronizing. We don't really talk about sex so I don't know how to incorporate it into converstation. I'll deal I just struggle with these things. It feels hopeless.

And to be fair he doesn't talk about his problems alot it was really that one time. He's only just refered to what he told me since. And he tries to get me to talk about things and asks what's bothering me when I'm acting off with him... It's me who can't and when I get too emotional I try to stick to as minimal words as possible... I get much too emotional if I try to open up about myself. It's like a catch 22. For me I was thinking about how they say when you're like "getting over" things not to start relationships so that's why I've been so hesitant and SO scared of getting hurt because it makes me do stupid things but I thought at the same time I deserve something, some sort of affection. Also like I said I've not seen him that often at the moment and we mostly talk through text, I can't really say these things through text though can I...


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

You have to stand your ground. Don't let this guy walk all over you. You have to express how you feel truly, otherwise you'll never be able to express yourself. It'll still be there. These are one of things you can't half-***. I think he is pressuring for you to have sex, you have to let him know that's not cool to do it that way, it's making you feel uncomfortable and insecure. 

You are right to feel this way. That's definitely not the right thing to say "i shouldn't have started this relationship" because it makes you think it's all about sex, but I do understand where he's coming from. He feels frustrated, but the pity method isn't going to get anyone horny. It doesn't necessarily mean he's using for you for sex, but he's thinking a little too much with his nuts right now. You have to tell him what you are writing. What you feel is genuine and you have to try to understand the situation in order to understand those emotions. If you feel he's putting too much pressure on you, you gotta tell him it's making you feel uncomfortable and tell him the truth. Any reasonable guy that likes you will slow down. It'll help you find out what his intentions really are, see if this guy will seduce a way that'll it'll make you feel comfortable and ready. 

You shouldn't be leaning on texting You should be at least talking more on the phone or spending time together. You gotta have the talk face to face....spend some time together like lovers do. Right now, there's just too much **** piling up and one day if you don't talk about them, the problems just become bigger. How much time are you spending with him in person?

Even if have to tell it emotionally and cry, let it all out. If he cares, he'll hear you out. Everyone has issues, so they'll never be a time in your life where everything will be peaches and cream. But if you keep it bottled up inside, nothing will ever be resolved...you'll still feel the same and still feel bad when you shouldn't. Just express yourself, it'll go along way. You are a smart, capable girl, in touch with your emotions, you just have to learn to trust them and take a stand for yourself.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I didn't really think of it as him making it all about sex, when he said that I mean, he was saying he's "not ready" to get close to someone, pissed me off though because he made it that we were getting closer not me. Now we're back together though he's said that he only opened up about it because he didn't want to lose me. He's confusing me but I think he was just confused himself.

I see him properly maybe a couple of times a week sometimes just like once a week. I'm probably seeing him tonight though.

I talked to a friend last night to some extent about things... some of what I've told you, and she basically said what you have and that I should tell him my problems too or I'm just gonna get bitter towards him. And thanks again, you've helped alot.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> You shouldn't be leaning on texting You should be at least talking more on the phone or spending time together. You gotta have the talk face to face....spend some time together like lovers do. Right now, there's just too much **** piling up and one day if you don't talk about them, the problems just become bigger.


We were supposed to meet today but then didn't. I got paranoid he was gonna be all distant again and then say what he did again. So when he texted me I mentioned that I felt confused about things with him. It's just frustrating beacuse the only time I've seen him is at work well saw him last night but there wasn't a chance. I feel stupid for saying things in text and I said too much. And what he said just hurt more. I feel stupid because I should have at least it in person but it seemed like there hasn't been a chance and I've been stressed out and not sleeping and hardly eating and really think i need to get some things off my chest. Because I said about what he'd told me and how it also effects me and is hurting me and I need to know he's not going to leave again. He's like I can't guarentee what's going to happen in the future but wants to be with me now and hopes it'll last longer. He didn't need to say the first part though. And then talking about his ex and (complicated and painful for him, to do with what he told me) but it's painful for me to hear it and I just said to PLEASE not keep mentioning things from the past. I feel really anxious and shaky and stupid for saying that over text.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

The more I read this, the more I think this guy doesn't seem to put a lot of effort into this. I am only seeing from what you are saying, but how I think this was if I was your boyfriend, I would be doing a hell lot more. I would spend a lot more effort to spend time together and make you feel comfortable. 

Personally I would dump his ***, he has no faith and obviously isn't planning to make it last. Believe it or not, those words " I can't guarentee what's going to happen in the future" says it all. If this guy was thinking about staying with you, he wouldn't even contemplate those words even if he was a realist. I saw throughout your posts that he didn't seem to put a lot of effort into the relationship and he might have other intentions, but I don't want to ruin the relationship between you two based on your story alone. Of course, you should assess this yourself because I don't know the whole story and see this for yourself and see it without blind eyes. 

I think you did the right thing. You finally said what you needed to say from your heart.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

yeah I know it's hard to say because you DON'T know the full story. From what he's dealt witth I can understand but it still ****ing hurts ME. I just want him to know that. I left him a message and asked him to call me after work and he text me intstead saying he'd rather meet up in person to talk about things. fair enough I don't particularly wanna talk on the phone I just want to talk. Now he's not texting back. (he was working really late to be fair) I'm not going to dump him he's the best thing to come along for a while and we're already involved. I really do think he's a good guy. But now he's saying he wants to talk in person but when...? and he's not replied yet. Then he's saying he doesn't want things to be all stressful all the time. I REALLY need to talk to him PROPERLY but won't get a chance in at least a few days. And I'm paranoid I'm being stupid... I said I don't know what he wants and he's said it seems like i keep seeing things negatively, he just enjoys being with me and wants to spend time with me and cares about me that he's not trying to just get something off me and that's it. When he said he can't guarentee he said because of what's happened to him before he can't guarentee what'll happen a year down the line but he hopes we'll have a long relationship and wants to deal with now not far into the future. i just really do need to talk to him. I said how I'm struggling with things really badly and it seems like he doesn't care and he told me he cares alot but I've hardly let him in and he doesn't want to push me to tell him things.

He has actually put effort in though a couple of times he waited for me for nearly four hours after work because he knew I was just feeling down and having a bad day. He's said it's just because of the distance we don't see eachother alot and he says it bothers him too... it just makes it hard for me to talk about things though and wish I hadn't done it over text but I knew I wouldn't see him properly for a few days. Just hope we can meet up in person soon. And he's getting a place with his friend in two days now so he'll be living nearer.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

I'll admit when I said you should "dump him" at the time those words struck a chord with me because I remember when my ex said those exact words when I asked a question. She would constantly talk about her exs and I absolutely hated it, I didn't talk about my relationships because I didn't care anymore, it's in the past. I noticed that when she dumped one, she had another boyfriend lined up. I was part of the pattern and I asked her that question. She said the same thing, but I thought nothing of it. But before you know it, in the worst time of anyones life when I needed her, she simply left. To sum it up, she basically got what she needed and when the times got tough, she left, for another guy I'm certain, I felt some tension in the room when those 2 met and were together. 

I also didn't think about at the time I said it was the fact that it's an entirely different story. That no matter what happens, you'll need to develop the experience no matter how painful things can be in the end, otherwise you'll never learn how to deal with it or how to see it. When he says those things, just start simple by saying it hurts. Keep it simple so the responses are simple and easier to understand. When he moves closer to you and you'll start seeing each other more, things will get better


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

When he said that I thought it was a harsh thing to say too. 
And I'm sorry about how she treated you.

He doesn't talk about it alot but just because it still effects him. It's something that happened to his ex girlfriend that makes him scared to get close and like I told him I'm glad he explained about it but it does still hurt to hear about it. I don't think he gets that it hurts for the normal reason of not wanting to hear about his ex. I've not really been "well" lately and I'm scared that he'll get scared when I try to tell him, but nothing's going to happen to me, hopefully and I'm trying to get my head sorted but these things make it complicated. I said before how I can't stand thinking about him "with" other girls. Then when he mentions her I can't stand thinking about him being that close to another girl. Then he said how he doesn't want things to be all stressful and jealous and like controlling. But I JUST need to just know that I can trust him and he asked how he can show that. Yes we've still not talked properly, when I've seen him very briefly he's seemed more attentive I think because I said he doesn't seem to care at all. I wish we'd had that conversation in person because it feels so stupid.


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