# A "reluctance" to get better



## ty20126

I don't know if anyone else here has felt this.

I just went to a psychiatrist today and was diagnosed with major depression. She prescribed prozac. I have been seeing a separate therapist (in the same facility) for about 4 months before.

I haven't talked to my therapist about it yet, but now that it seems I have a path of recovery to follow, I find myself thinking sometimes that I don't want to get better. I think to myself "Nothing will change if I get better. I'll still be alone, worthless to people...etc,etc."

On discussing other topics, like my fear of initiating social interaction, my therapist said that I retreat into myself because I feel that it's safe. And similarly, now that I'm presented with a possible treatment for my depression, I kind of don't want to leave it because after all this time it feels "safe" to me, like being happy and "normal" again would just feel weird.

Has anybody else experienced this, and how did you get over it?


----------



## Diegoo

Yes. Because the way I felt felt "safe" and "recovery" was unfamiliar - my thoughts were that what if I get better, and it's NOT better?
Which obviously makes no sense, but still.
I guess you just have to ask yourself if the pain of change is as bad as the pain of staying the same?


----------



## Owl-99

The unknown is a scary place, that is why many of us myself included stay where we are, because at least it is familiar and we can deal with it.


----------



## ty20126

I'm not sure I know what to do. This is a very strange feeling.

I got my fluoxetine today, they bottle's just sitting there in my room. I'm almost scared to start taking them...


----------



## Zack

I also have ambivalent issues with getting better.


----------



## Bunneh

I think i might have this problem a bit but im trying to keeped focused as too not slip back into it this time 

i go through periods of times where i wanna do stuff and change and then I just stop trying.


----------



## lisac1919

YES this is exactly how I feel. I tried to express this in a thread but I guess I failed.

I think it has to do with self hate. There's something in us that is afraid to be successful, afraid to be happy. Then there's the whole mystery of 'what happens after you 'get happy'?' Being afraid of being happy or getting better is, in my opinion, directly related to self hate. It is a form of self sabotage. Not taking the actions we need to recover and be healthy is self sabotage. Louis Hay makes a good point of this...she says to hold up a mirror and say 'I love you' to yourself, and pay attention to what emotions come up. Most people cannot do it without cringing. Sometimes I even cringe when I think about the way other people must perceive me. This is self hate.

I think a good step to take is to do little things to take care of yourself, just simple obvious things. Like groom everyday, clean your house, keep yourself in shape, do something youre good at (to boost your self esteem), express yourself and your emotions without being afraid or embarrassed, explore your own thoughts and emotions without being afraid or embarrassed of them (and yes sometimes im embarrassed to think my OWN thoughts; that's how deep rooted my low self esteem is). Think about yourself as the way you would want someone else to see you, the way you would want somebody to love you. There is no reason why we cant be that person.

For example, the way I am now; slightly overweight, bad skin, messy house etc...are all reflections of me not caring about myself. That's why it totally makes sense why someone would not want to be around me. Why would they, when it is obvious that I don't even like my own company? If I liked my own company I would make sure my surroundings were clean and I were eating healthy. These things come natural for people who love themselves...for me I do them because I have to force myself. 

I also think the way our parents raised us has to do with it. My parents were very cold and unloving in the way they delt with situations. Their parenting technique was to try to teach me how the 'real world' worked. I was ashamed to cry and let out emotions because I was taught that was a sign of weakness. To this day, I cram down emotions, deadly afraid to show any extreme emotion; whether it be happiness, sadness or anger. I deal with myself the same way my parents delt with me; unlovingly. When I feel strong emotions I either get very angry with myself or ignore it, which leads to panic attacks and feelings of being overwhelmed. This sort of mirrors how a child would act if they were ignored.

Once you start to love yourself and take care of yourself, you will want to get better. I would even say love yourself before you start therapy or dieting, for example...because those things will only work if they are coming from a place of love within yourself. If you treat yourself badly that will be reflected back to you by other people. You will attract things into your life that will make you hate yourself even more and make people hate you as well. Even with dieting, if you diet because of self hate, you are essentially 'bullying' your inner child. Telling it 'youre ugly, youre fat...im going to starve you'. Wrong mindset. You have to nurture and take care of that inner child before you can work on yourself. Because right now the inner child is afraid and you are keeping it in that state because you are being unloving towards yourself...


----------



## hdth

I tend to find myself like that sometimes. Like when im so used to living with depression and being in the "dark" I wouldn't know how to live otherwise. 

Its the same concept with prison immates, who would want to go to prison, no one. But prison immates who have been there for years and years and finally get released feel odd in the real world and try everything to get back into prison.

What keeps me striving to get better is when I see happy people. Like both of my siblings have just gotten married, acheived all their goals and are as happy as can be. 

Then I think, why would I ever want to settle with less than my best?


----------



## noscreenname

For me it's almost a feeling of pride. Like I don't want to get better because then I'll be letting go of a part of myself. It's hard to shake all the years of feeling superior to others as a defense mechanism for not being social. It's a pretty dumb way to feel but that's how I feel.


----------



## Miyu

ok, here comes my ... silly? addition to the conversation?

I'm afraid that if I actually make any drastic change, like pills or whatever ... I'll lose a part of me. I'll change and I might not like it at all. I won't be the me "me" ... idk even how to explain it, but it bothers me. though the change might (and probably would) be a good thing ............... :|

cause beside SA and depression ... I wholeheartedly like the me now. :| (well except some of the flaws I have ... but everyone has them, right?)


----------



## Letmebe

lisac1919 Is right, you have to love yourself and make little changes to how you live before trying any therapy or it won't work.


----------



## LERZZZ

Diegoo said:


> Yes. Because the way I felt felt "safe" and "recovery" was unfamiliar - my thoughts were that what if I get better, and it's NOT better?
> Which obviously makes no sense, but still.
> I guess you just have to ask yourself if the pain of change is as bad as the pain of staying the same?


:ditto


----------



## Deviant Din

That sounds like it might be the depression talking and telling you things that aren't true about yourself. There's a lot of you still to be uncovered.


----------



## blue2

yes I am like this, iv been like this for bout 14 years, I tell myself I don't deserve any better..i guess im kinda stuck in a rut..


----------

