# I've got crush-anxiety sumthin fierce! :0



## Karoshka7 (Jun 20, 2021)

Sooo this turned out much lengthier than intended...but I gotta get this out...

I'd like to think my sa isn't that bad but I recently found out that I act totally different depending on how I view someone. I mean, yeh I get nervous having to approach people, usually waiting for the "best window" to move in and ask a question or whatever. This is only usually out in public, not at home with family. Anyways, I can usually small talk no prob, sure I'm awkward with what I say or respond with but I "fake it to make it" with this bubbly, childish smiley persona cuz I'm too nice and constantly show it..ugh. 

This situation I'm stuck in rn, I can say without a doubt is "crush-anxiety". Last year, I went to my neighborhood pawn shop n as soon as I made eye contact with the guy that worked there, I felt like everything went in slow motion for a split sec, not even given enough time to realize he really made me anxious af. I ended up treating him like everyone else at that time. Since I had been rushing to get out of the rain and it caught me off guard. So I nervously interacted with him a lil, to look at some jewelry, then I left as there were too many ppl walking in the store at that point. 
Afterwards, I thought about this guy NON-STOP. It was driving me crazy but I was too nervous to go back up there. 

Fast forward a year later. Last month early May I went to an acupuncturist (cuz I'm into all this holistic health, paganism, rune divination stuff) but I stay to myself majority of the time. During my session I felt so much energy flowing, pulsing and vibrating through these meridian points where the needles were, there were images flashing in my minds eye. I assumed they were part of these blockages that were now being full blown open and releasing. At some point I saw the guy from the pawn shop, yeh like out of nowhere I saw his face in my mind and I thought of how I didn't even know his name but something was telling me it started with an "A". He must've just started working there a year ago cuz he had no name tag on or company shirt. Ugh, sorry this is dragging out..anwyays so I was feeling brave after my acupuncture sesh and without even thinking I pulled into the pawn shop parking lot. I walk in then lo and behold the guy's actually working there still and on that day! I needed a guitar amp so I grabbed a line 6 and went up to the counter. He was standing up there by himself now and holy sh*t my heart starts pounding. I tried small talk, nervously tho, n in the midst of my nervous ramblings I couldn't remember anything! Details n such it's like my mind went blank. Like I was having a malfunction or something! Hmmphh, it was so embarrassing, I handed him the money and my hand was shaking...i'm certain he noticed but at the same time I was talking about my guitars and pawning them years ago and how I lost my favorite Ibanez to that very location. I mean, I got so nervous that after he finished telling me how I could bring it back for a refund for whatever reason I just said "well, thanks!" N stormed out. It must've caught him off guard cuz he kinda stuttered while saying "Oh have a nice day". It's like that interaction was good enough for me cuz I had this huge stupid smile on my face afterwards. But at the same time I couldn't stop feeling like an idiot for the things I had done and said. I have such bad anxiety towards this one guy that even though I'm not happy with the amp I bought, cuz I stupidly forgot to test it out before buying it (although my nerves never would've allowed such a thing) I'm too nervous to go back up there in fear he might think I'm stalking him! I know that's ridiculous but I begin shaking every thought of him. Oh and of course after that day I couldn't get him off my mind yet again. So much so that I feel possibly obsessed. I don't even know what he really looks like due the covid face covering bs but it's a feeling like we're connected some how. 

Last week I forced myself to go up there to ask about a refund for the amp n I still regret trying in such a frail state of panic. I was definitely giving myself a panic attack by simply driving up there. I couldn't focus or stop shaking. Of course he was working but was ringing someone up and I don't think he saw me fly in there, glance at a few guitars then rush out cuz I couldn't stop shaking! I know he's just a person..I even try to tell myself he could very well be a total douchebag of a person but nothing helps me through the wondering. This guy gives me the worst social anxiety ever but I want so badly to overcome it and reach out to him somehow..at least if he rejects me then I can stop obsessing over the what ifs and all..ugh idk..if anyone has had any similar experiences or can give any advice I'm all ears. This is making me feel super lonely, depressed and yeh..everything else sa spews forth...le sigh....at least if I can talk to others about it I might get some better understanding.


----------



## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

In a pop song "Call Me Maybe" there's a line: "it's hard to look right...at you baaaaaby". I think a lot of people experience that, I know I do. You have a crush on someone and it's hard to be around them because WHAT IF IT'S WRITTEN ON YOUR FACE AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A NUTJOB. I wouldn't attach any particular cosmic significance to this, it's just good old lust kicking in. Give it a month (there are other pawn shops in your town?) and it will likely fizzle out. Then, once you're past the shaking, stuttering, etc. and can communicate calmly, ask him out : P


----------



## Karoshka7 (Jun 20, 2021)

rabidfoxes said:


> In a pop song "Call Me Maybe" there's a line: "it's hard to look right...at you baaaaaby". I think a lot of people experience that, I know I do. You have a crush on someone and it's hard to be around them because WHAT IF IT'S WRITTEN ON YOUR FACE AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A NUTJOB. I wouldn't attach any particular cosmic significance to this, it's just good old lust kicking in. Give it a month (there are other pawn shops in your town?) and it will likely fizzle out. Then, once you're past the shaking, stuttering, etc. and can communicate calmly, ask him out : P


Ooh! I love the pop goes punk version of that song! You should listen to it if you haven't already. N yeh it did fade after about a month or so....hm, maybe it is purely physical attraction..le sigh. It's so hard connecting with anyone in person anymore..n way too easy to open up online. 
However! There might be a deeper reason for my extreme anxiousness towards him in particular. It's not really something I could express as conversation starter per se but I found it pretty hilarious. I asked my pendulum if me n the guy were connected in any past lives n it said he was my mother for 5 different life times and my husband for another 5 seperate lives...Can u imagine what underlying trauma could be hiding deep within my psyche?! Lmao..I know most ppl dont believe in reincarnation but that session was super interesting to say the least...who knows.


----------



## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

Karoshka7 said:


> Ooh! I love the pop goes punk version of that song! You should listen to it if you haven't already. N yeh it did fade after about a month or so....hm, maybe it is purely physical attraction..le sigh. It's so hard connecting with anyone in person anymore..n way too easy to open up online.
> However! There might be a deeper reason for my extreme anxiousness towards him in particular. It's not really something I could express as conversation starter per se but I found it pretty hilarious. I asked my pendulum if me n the guy were connected in any past lives n it said he was my mother for 5 different life times and my husband for another 5 seperate lives...Can u imagine what underlying trauma could be hiding deep within my psyche?! Lmao..I know most ppl dont believe in reincarnation but that session was super interesting to say the least...who knows.


Omg I didn't even know that version, it's awesome : D I like the original as well and when I tell people, they all think I'm having them on. But I think it's a kickass pop song in the bubblegum pop tradition of the 00s. The video is hilarious as well.
Anyway, song aside, nothing wrong with 'just' physical attraction. There are many ways to get to know someone, that's one of them. It certainly makes life more interesting for a while.
Although yeah, if he was your mother, that could be weird. Unless it's one sneaky, lying pendulum.


----------



## Karoshka7 (Jun 20, 2021)

rabidfoxes said:


> Omg I didn't even know that version, it's awesome : D I like the original as well and when I tell people, they all think I'm having them on. But I think it's a kickass pop song in the bubblegum pop tradition of the 00s. The video is hilarious as well.
> Anyway, song aside, nothing wrong with 'just' physical attraction. There are many ways to get to know someone, that's one of them. It certainly makes life more interesting for a while.
> Although yeah, if he was your mother, that could be weird. Unless it's one sneaky, lying pendulum.


Ah, glad you liked the song. N I s'pose you never truly know. In the spiritual aspect of things the possibilities are kinda hit or miss and at the same time endless. All depending on your intuitive senses. Pendulums work through your subconscious and it moves by the magnetic forces in the space around you. Meh....still I keep getting the feeling like I need to find out more about this person buuut put it off as each day passes.
Egh, maybe i'll get hammered one early afternoon n go bust in the pawn shop, hopefully not face planting as soon as I stumble through the door then, if I'm not completely belligerent drunk I will then proceed to impress him with my shredding skills on one of the guitars they have up for sale....See! in my mind..I have many plans! The others are probly not as affective as getting wasted beforehand...then again, I'm not much of a drinker. There's gotta be a way to calm my stupid nerves. Grrr


----------

