# After years of hopelessness...it really does get better with experience!!



## Fiale (Aug 27, 2014)

Let me preface this with a little history on how bad I've had SA for 90% of my life. I'm 25 now, and up until age 23 or so, I had what is in my opinion the most extreme SA you could possibly have. I was pretty much stuck at home with my parents with zero social contact. It was impossible for me to go anywhere by my self. Going to the store required me to be right by my parents side like a 3 year old, and even then I could get so overwhelmed with anxiety I had to GET AWAY from everybody. The feeling was just so intense.... it's like I was going to pass out from the heat of the anxiety.

Obviously, friends were completely out of the question. Relationships even more so out of the question. This didn't bother me so much when I was younger; I enjoyed my video games and just playing around in the woods (We live in the middle of nowhere) but by age 18 the lonelyness began to sink in, getting worse each passing year.

Ages 19-22 were the worst of the worst; Severe lonelyness, and severe frustration due to the fact that I wanted to interact with people, but could not. I wanted a friend. I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted sex! (DUH, right? :yes) My confidence was at zero. I couldn't even attempt to talk to anybody because I would nearly pass out with anxiety. I tried and tried and tried....I couldn't do it. Yet more frustration ensued. In these 3 years I probably cried at least 350 days out of the year, rarely getting cut a break from the lonely, frustrating misery. 

At around age 23, I decided enough was enough - I would not let this destroy the rest of my life. Things didn't improve drastically or overnight, but I started to feel....different, around people. I still had anxiety, I still had moments where I had to get away from everybody, but they weren't as severe or as frequent. I finally attempted the unthinkable: to go in a store all by myself and buy something. It was extremely awkward, and my nearly-silent "thanks" at the checkout made me feel like some socially brain-dead idiot, but at least I did it. The whole experience felt good, even if I felt like an idiot afterwards.

From there, things slowly improved. I was finally able to talk back to someone that initiated a conversation for me, rather than running away from them. My social skills were quite poor; stumbling on words, trying to think of something to reply with....I was literally like a baby learning to speak their first words. I'm sure many people thought I was one very strange person due to my social awkwardness, but at least I was doing it, and gaining experience along the way.

Anyway, since this post is already too dang long and you get the idea, fast forward to now. I still have mild anxiety every here and there, but the severe anxiety is completely gone. Some days it's almost non-existent - I can walk into a store feeling good and confident about my self; I can even go up to someone that works in the store and ask for help finding something with no problem at all. This would have been impossible just a year or two ago. I'm still far from perfect when it comes to conversation; still trip on my own tongue every once in a while and say stupid things but it's infinitely better than it was. I find my self initiating a friendly "Hey" or "Good morning" when I pass by people...with very little anxiety about it if any.

I'm at the point where I can look at a female my age in the face and have a decent conversation, rather than looking away and trying to get away from her as quickly as possible, which feels really good. I haven't yet worked up the courage nor do I quite have the confidence to actively hunt for a girlfriend, but I feel that I'm very close to going for it. 

So, what made all of this possible? Mindset, I suppose. You've just gotta put yourself out there and go for it, no matter how scary it may be. From there you will endure slow, difficult, frustrating, seemingly endless and hopeless baby steps towards building my social skills. As you do, the anxiety slowly decline.

If you feel hopeless, and it feels like no matter how many times you try to socialize things never improve...Try, try, and try again! I probably experienced over a thousand absolutely miserable, anxiety-packed social experiences and failures before things finally started to improve. Many times it felt hopeless and impossible to ever feel right around people...but I still pressed on, gaining experience whether it felt like it was helping or not. Your SA will improve, bit by bit, whether you notice it or not. Once you *finally* start to notice the improvements, things really begin to take off. This may take years - don't worry about it, just press on!

There is no substitute for experience - just go for it! Awkward social experiences are part of the journey. They feel like crap, they make you feel like an idiot... but you know what - at least they're with strangers that will never be part of your life anyway.

If anyone on here is struggling as bad as I was and wants to talk and/or could use some advice feel free to post a reply. I'd be glad to help wherever I can.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Thank you.


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## CrayCray (Aug 11, 2014)

yeah 19 to 22 was the worst for me as well and now i feel like im gettin bak on track. i can talk to people on the phone and call people for help which is a drastic improvent for me .


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

Mmm good for you.


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## CrayCray (Aug 11, 2014)

Fiale said:


> Let me preface this with a little history on how bad I've had SA for 90% of my life. I'm 25 now, and up until age 23 or so, I had what is in my opinion the most extreme SA you could possibly have. I was pretty much stuck at home with my parents with zero social contact. It was impossible for me to go anywhere by my self. Going to the store required me to be right by my parents side like a 3 year old, and even then I could get so overwhelmed with anxiety I had to GET AWAY from everybody. The feeling was just so intense.... it's like I was going to pass out from the heat of the anxiety.
> 
> Obviously, friends were completely out of the question. Relationships even more so out of the question. This didn't bother me so much when I was younger; I enjoyed my video games and just playing around in the woods (We live in the middle of nowhere) but by age 18 the lonelyness began to sink in, getting worse each passing year.
> 
> ...


Can I ask a question. Did you have job during this period and if so how did you manage and were you on medication or something like it


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## Fiale (Aug 27, 2014)

@CrayCray:

I had somewhat of an isolated job working with my parents for their business. We did home repair and construction, and most of the time there weren't many people around. I've been doing this since I was 16. Back then I had to pretty much run away if the homeowner(s) came out to talk, and resume working when they were gone. Luckily my parents have been very supportive, otherwise my outcome with SA would have been worse. From ages 16-23 it would have been impossible for me to work a "regular" job. Now, it wouldn't be a problem at all. I regularly go off to jobs all by my self and everything is fine. 

I did try medication for like...5 days. I immediately got a strange side effect where it felt like my jaw was going to seize up and stop working, so I stopped. I have deemed medications as toxic to be worth it ever since.


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## Fiale (Aug 27, 2014)

thewaaked said:


> That's awesome man! I am 24 and just recently started having the same sort of experience with the general anxiety being much less than it has been before. Pretty much the same way I'm starting to feel less anxious too was going to stores/mall on my own and buying things, saying simple things to the cashier like "thanks, have a good day/night", and when I left the store I felt almost normal you can say.
> 
> The more I did this the easier it became and my general anxiety has improved so much because of even the small trivial things like that. Now a days I even go to the mall just to walk around and window shop if I don't feel like buying anything that day just for the exposure.
> 
> ...


Thanks man, it does sound like we are on the same page in terms of progress. I know exactly how you feel about the females. =p I used to feel terrible when I thought about them, thinking it was hopeless. Now when I think about them I get a warm fuzzy feeling...because I can't wait to get out there and begin to comfortably socialize with them and eventually land that beautiful girl that will hopefully be mine for the rest of my life. 

We'll both definitely need to work on our confidence, and conversation skills before we have a shot at being successful with the girls. I say start with the girls you're not so attracted to for the experience and slowly work your way up..rather than starting with a girl you're crazy about and blowing it because you didn't quite know what to say and or you get scurred. =p Even the most confident of guys get somewhat nervous around females (As do females get around guys) so don't worry too much, it's natural. If you can hold a good conversation while not being afraid to look into their eyes I'd say you've got a good shot at something.

Keep it up man....we'll get there. Everybody here will get there somehow, someway, someday. :yes My personal goal is to have found someone that is LTR material by the time I'm 30. A little late, but not too bad. Most people don't find their lifelong partner until the 30's anyway.


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## DreamAway (Apr 29, 2012)

@Fiale - that's a fantastic story man, so glad you overcame the severe anxiety you were having, well done and thanks for sharing. Onwards and upwards


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

@Fiale thak you so much for sharing. You really don't know how encouraging your story is. Hearing stories like this gives me hope to believe that I will overcome as well. Thank you again.


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## yesterdays (Dec 31, 2013)

Great story, well done. Good luck for all your future endeavours.


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## nevernotanxious (Dec 19, 2012)

Congratulations! That's awesome. My anxiety was not as bad as yours, but I found that after five years I came to the point where I was just so sick of being that way 24/7. That's when I finally started therapy. I think in order to make progress you have to _really_ be ready to change and be done with being complacent. Otherwise you won't try hard enough.


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## introvert33 (Jun 23, 2010)

Fiale said:


> There is no substitute for experience - just go for it! Awkward social experiences are part of the journey. They feel like crap, they make you feel like an idiot... but you know what - at least they're with strangers that will never be part of your life anyway.


I agree, you just have to go through some very awkward experiences instead of avoiding them, and learn that you survive! Then gradually, the anxiety holds less and less power over you. Its kind of hard to describe, because before the change in mindset, you experience plenty of awkward moments, but no change in anxiety results. I think the difference is when you consciously decide to put yourself in an anxiety producing situation, with the mindset that you will will stick it out, you are more in control. Instead of just getting caught up in a situation thrown at you and trying to end it before it gets worse, you let the anxiety ride and see it come down a notch. Strangely enough those a&e shows "obssessed" kind of helped me. Among several other things.


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## PoliRay (May 23, 2013)

Aww I am happy for you! Keep it up!  It only gets easier! Word of advice: Don't over think too much about your past, and keep moving forward!


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## Rodin (May 11, 2011)

Good for you that you are tackling this in your 20s! Experience is key - your brain will start to self-correct for social cues. But ,unfortunately, it does take hundreds of interactions. For some, maybe even thousands.


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## Joe (May 18, 2010)

Great post, cheers for it


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## kamq (Mar 19, 2012)

This is what it's all about right here. Keep it up.


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## imanonymous2 (Apr 14, 2014)

Awesome job man! This sounds so similar to my story. I'm 23 now and my anxiety of talking to people that I've had all my life is nearly gone. I can even initiate at times. I feel my conversation skills still aren't very good but getting better everyday.


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