# 42 , single and childless (yet my siblings all have families of their own)



## Titanic Explorer (Feb 22, 2009)

All my siblings seem happy, have happy marriages and children....

At 42, I've barely had any relationships, and have reached a point in my life where i think a wife and children might be an unrealistic expectation.

I always compare myself to my happy siblings, and never quite measure up...
How can I accept myself for the way I am? I want a family but realized odds are Ill never have one and will grow old alone- 

rather than be depressed about that- what is the best way to accept that reality?
I'm just tired of setting myself up for disapointment


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

Ya this is actually a big issue. I have accepted a lot of things about myself and my situation of late, and it just transforms your outlook if you can maintain it. Occasionally, when I do let my thinking slip back into lamenting past mistakes, and regrets, than the depression hits hard. But fortunately it doesn't happen all that often. Biggest thing I struggle with now, is just letting people let me live my life the way I want, without casting judgement. 

Finding people that will accept you, rather than wanting you to fit into a very rigid ideal of what you should be, what you should have, how you should act...is very, very difficult. That's why people dropout of society and go bush. There is more freedom the further you get away from swarms of people. Something I would consider, if I just had one other person to share my life with...Unfortunately, I've found i do need some people contact. 

Any psychologist will tell you to stop comparing yourself to others. How do you do that? Well, I found the best way is to establish a clear goal for the future and find comfort in that. Its important that the goal is long term, and it sticks. Once you have a goal, and get positively charged about that, than past regrets fall by the wayside. Find a goal and stick to it at all costs. Don't let anyone tell you it's not possible. The first you hear of that, just walk away. Soon as you loose the goal, all the **** comes flooding back. That's my advice. Find a goal and chip away at it, day by day. What have you got to lose?


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## rickthegreat (Dec 22, 2008)

Do you feel like discussing your reasons for why you see things the way you do? Any chance anxiety/depression/etc might be clouding your outlook?


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## Titanic Explorer (Feb 22, 2009)

rickthegreat said:


> Do you feel like discussing your reasons for why you see things the way you do? Any chance anxiety/depression/etc might be clouding your outlook?


yes, yes and yes


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## 266x (Jun 30, 2011)

Well all I can say is be a really cool uncle and brother, one that all of them can rely on and you can still feel fulfilled that way.. that's what I always wanted, a really cool uncle that was always there, and when I grow up i hope that my sister and I really get a long.


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## plusminusinfinity (Apr 28, 2011)

adopt me


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

yea that looks like my reality right there. nothing to be done about it, get a dog. that's what i did.


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## KeithB72 (Aug 8, 2009)

Boston shout out!

Yeah, same here. I have no answers to your question, but I'm here to say I can empathize. I have the exact same issues and feelings.

I agree about the uncle part someone mentioned though. I take great joy in being an uncle. It *almost* makes up for the lack of my own family.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

That's life though. Things weren't meant to always go our way. I think we have these expectations because it was instilled in our heads from tradition and society from a young age. There is nothing wrong with not having children or being married. All that matters is you live the life you want to and enjoy the times your alive. You don't need children to fulfill a societal "norm" of happiness. Happiness isn't from following a tradition; it's about living life the way you want to live it regardless if that is different than what others do, and don't worry because plenty of people don't have children and don't want children either. The same goes with marriage. Your not alone.

As far as having goals like Matt said, EXCELLENT advice.


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## saso (Dec 15, 2009)

Titanic Explorer said:


> All my siblings seem happy, have happy marriages and children....
> 
> At 42, I've barely had any relationships, and have reached a point in my life where i think a wife and children might be an unrealistic expectation.
> 
> ...


 at 42 you are way to young to give up on love and family. the comparing is not helping you. I know, i speak from experience. ugh. im such a compare freak. 
the way i look at it is this. you can decide ok im going to give up trying to find a wife/companion. remain a bachelor. and pursue friendships instead. 
or you can look at why you're relationships haven't worked and why you haven't had many and try to work on that. 
or you can keep comparing and falling short. but yeah 42..you've got time still. don't give up on it man. 
self acceptance is so hard! jesus whydoes it have to be. lol.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

Friends are important, but friends are also transient. We know this better than most. So I would suggest that while you work on friendships and think about other relationships, its also important to shoot for something that's in your hands, rather than the reactions and desires of other people. That way you have something to show for your effort that is deeply personal, and that nobody can easily take away from you.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Titanic Explorer said:


> All my siblings seem happy, have happy marriages and children....
> 
> At 42, I've barely had any relationships, and have reached a point in my life where i think a wife and children might be an unrealistic expectation.
> 
> ...


You are only setting yourself up for disappointment by comparing yourself in the first place. We are in a unique position to fix the things that are weird in our lives before bringing other people in. We are actually kind of lucky to be in the position that we are in today.


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## blanksBACK (Oct 21, 2010)

I would probably (if I didnt wanna try REALL REAL hard to get a lady) better myself and try to uhhh do something (or a bunch of things). like create something. Do something big. Learn a lot of anything and maybe teach that anything. Maybe adopt (if a single man could). Write a book. Write a movie. Find the 4th moon. Just do a crap load of awesome stuff. Thats someting that would make me much happier I think, if I were in your situation. 
Man I suck at explaining. I hope you get what Im trying to say.


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## copper (Nov 10, 2003)

I am in the same boat. My brother is happily married, but no kids yet. He is a Captain in the Air Force so having kids wouldn't be a good thing esp for the kid. Him and his wife have to move every few years to a new base. But he is happily married, and I can't even go past the first date with anyone. I must don't have any qualities the opposite sex wants. Now I am 40 so I probably will be alone the rest of my life unless someone arranges the marriage to me like my Persian supervisor parent's did for him. He was in his 50's when he finally married. But in my case I don't think that will happen.


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## rickthegreat (Dec 22, 2008)

Titanic Explorer said:


> yes, yes and yes


OK, so tell us, what are your reasons hombré? Why do you think you'll end up alone? Why no wife/kids? Why you think disappointment looms?


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## dutchguy (Jun 8, 2009)

If you really want to be a dad I think you can still make it happen. But if you don't do something different in life as youre now doing than its likely not going to happen.

I see a lot of dads getting children in their 40-something. Often its there second or third child but that doesn't mean anything.

Also a lot of people find new relationships in their 40's or later. Ok it will be your first but I don't know if that's really important on that age.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

Titanic Explorer said:


> All my siblings seem happy, have happy marriages and children....
> 
> At 42, I've barely had any relationships, and have reached a point in my life where i think a wife and children might be an unrealistic expectation.
> 
> ...


I agree with the others that have posted, at 42 and being a man, you still have PLENTY of opportunities to meet a woman and have your own children and family. Now if you were a woman like me, you would not have the same opportunity of having your own family and children, at 42 for a woman, the days for having children are mostly over, it can happen but the chances aren't as good as they are for a man. Many women are looking for a man so improve your looks, work toward becoming more financially stable, be prepared to buy your new family a house, have plenty of money, work toward becoming more sociably competent, ask your family to introduce to a woman who might be a good match for you, start your search to find a woman that is right for you. It is not over for you, you can still have children and have that family that you want. Good luck to you!!!!!


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

copper said:


> I am in the same boat. My brother is happily married, but no kids yet. He is a Captain in the Air Force so having kids wouldn't be a good thing esp for the kid. Him and his wife have to move every few years to a new base. But he is happily married, and I can't even go past the first date with anyone. I must don't have any qualities the opposite sex wants. Now I am 40 so I probably will be alone the rest of my life unless someone arranges the marriage to me like my Persian supervisor parent's did for him. He was in his 50's when he finally married. But in my case I don't think that will happen.


Now I didn't think of that, I saw on tv a man in his 50's went on a trip that arranged marriages with women in that country, I forgot what country it was though. He eventually found a woman that was perfect for him and they are happily married. She had a daughter who was 11 already and he had a daughter who was an adult so he wasn't looking for a woman to provide him with children so that wasn't an issue for them. It is easier for a man who is older to find a woman because they can go on a trip like this one where groups of men are looking for women from other countries. Some of the relationships work and some don't, but it is like any other relationship.


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## Your Crazy (Feb 17, 2009)

Titanic Explorer said:


> All my siblings *seem* happy, have happy marriages and children....


The key word there buddy.


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## Paulo (Mar 15, 2011)

Go to Asia


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## THEuTASTEsOFeINKd (Apr 10, 2010)

Be proud to be childless. The world needs people who do not have offspring to offset the ridiculous people who have 7 kids. If you want children adopt. There are tons of wonderful children out there who need a loving parent or parents. Plus adopting a child might attract a lady friend for ya.  And as others have mentioned, just because they seem happy doesn't mean they are. Marriage is a tough job.


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## odicepaul (Jul 20, 2009)

I would be afraid of what My mental health would do to any children if I had them. Would I make them into the same kind of inept-able bumbling fool that I am? I can't hold down a job or support myself at times, much less a family and home.


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## ForgetMeForever (May 3, 2011)

Matt J said:


> Friends are important, but friends are also transient. We know this better than most. So I would suggest that while you work on friendships and think about other relationships, its also important to shoot for something that's in your hands, rather than the reactions and desires of other people. That way you have something to show for your effort that is deeply personal, and that nobody can easily take away from you.


Great advice for all of us, single or not.


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## Elleire (Jul 24, 2011)

Why is it so popular to equate the lack of a romantic partner or spouse with "being alone?" Friends can be wonderful, as can animals, fwiw! And hobbies, traveling, etc. -- all of which are more difficult to pursue when you are married with children. No, not impossible, but more difficult. You can chart your own course as a single adult without children. You are in a unique position from your siblings to do things they may not be able to do as easily. Maybe try to spin it this for a while and see how it goes?

Even if not, there are plenty of people who find relationships and marry (or marry again) later on in life. My father is 53 and just recently started dating again. It does happen. 

Oh, and nods to my Boston peeps. There seem to be a lot of us on this board for whatever reason. Hmm.


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## zombiedawn (Jul 4, 2011)

I agree with the other posters that you should try not to compare yourself to your siblings. My sister has been married--3 times--and I haven't even had the chance to do it once. As a woman, I know I don't have many years left to have a child, and that really saddens me. As a man you could have kids in your 50's, and even 60's. Hell, Tony Randall had his first kid at 77, so if it's what you want never give up hope!!

If you want to meet a girl, I know there are tons of single women in their 30's and 40's that are looking for a nice guy, especially girls with SA. If you live in a bigger city, maybe there's a support group that you could join. Talking, in person, with a group of like-minded people might help, and maybe you'd meet someone there. At the very least you might make a friend, and that's a first step to a girl friend.

And by the way, friends don't have to be transient. I've had my best friend (well, pretty much my only friend) for 24 years. Doesn't get much less "transient" then that! But I've had to put myself out there. The times that have tested my SA the most are when I've had to go help him with a problem, and in turn that's really helped me.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

I also wonder if i'll ever have a family. Seeing that quite a few people without SA are in the same boat its not necessarily that straightforward. I think you need a fair bit of luck with finding the right person myself.


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

Paulo said:


> Go to Asia


Is there something in the water in Asia?


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## velvet1 (Aug 11, 2010)

Have you ever thought of volunteering and even being a foster parent. They're other alternatives to life than just the same road path that most people take because of how society tells them to do so. You can even go to hobby meet ups, like meetup.com and can meet a lot of great people who enjoy the same thing as you. Maybe start being creative about life and stop worrying about what others have in their life, its all about being thankful.


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## GermanHermit (Sep 6, 2008)

phoelomek said:


> Why is it so popular to equate the lack of a romantic partner or spouse with "being alone?" Friends can be wonderful, as can animals, fwiw! And hobbies, traveling, etc. -- all of which are more difficult to pursue when you are married with children. No, not impossible, but more difficult. You can chart your own course as a single adult without children. You are in a unique position from your siblings to do things they may not be able to do as easily. Maybe try to spin it this for a while and see how it goes?
> 
> Even if not, there are plenty of people who find relationships and marry (or marry again) later on in life. My father is 53 and just recently started dating again. It does happen.
> 
> Oh, and nods to my Boston peeps. There seem to be a lot of us on this board for whatever reason. Hmm.


Very good thoughts.

It is also a difference if one wants something because somebody else has it or one has a desire for something from within.

Having a family and kids is also too often romanticized in my opinion.
It's a lot of responsibility and a lot of hard work. It won't wipe away all your problems!

There is one solution for those who are not just currently wallowing in self-pity but that are really convinced that they have to spend their life alone: You "simply" have to bid farewell to certain ideas. And you have to deal with it like going through any other grieving process which is painful and takes time. To leave ideas of your life behind is not easy.

But only then will you be able to move on and open your mind to alternatives in your life. Otherwise you are caught up in this vortex of wishful thinking and you will constantly beat yourself up about it.

And who knows what other things life has in store for you.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

Both of my aunt's met someone when they were 50. There is still hope.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

I want to disagree with those who are telling OP not to give up. Your life doesn't suddenly change just because you're married, and even if OP manages to "meet someone," as long as he still has SA and still can't handle most social situations (which most likely will be the case), being married will only make things worse for him. The wedding is just the beginning. If you've been different most of your life, I just don't how you could spend the rest of your life with someone pretending to be normal.

I think in OP's situation, it would be best to give up on the idea of having wife and kids and generally being normal. Agreed that he should stop comparing himself to his siblings and to focus on making friends (and perhaps to adopt a dog). Would say no on being a foster parent, though.



hoddesdon said:


> Is there something in the water in Asia?


Just a lot of arsenic.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

Originally Posted by Titanic Explorer
All my siblings seem happy said:


> Your Crazy said:
> 
> 
> > The key word there buddy.
> ...


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## alone33 (Oct 3, 2009)

Give a little to get a little. For good or for bad. Do to others as you wish they would to you.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

millenniumman75 said:


> You are only setting yourself up for disappointment by comparing yourself in the first place. We are in a unique position to fix the things that are weird in our lives before bringing other people in. We are actually kind of lucky to be in the position that we are in today.


That's a very good point! Some people end up in relationships before they're ready. We've had years and years of waiting and preparing, and so we'll definitely be ready when that time comes!


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Being without a family adds the the feeling of being "different" from everyone. Loneliness is often described as "not feeling connected" to others, and people who suffer from social anxiety have a tough time forming close, personal connections. Anxiety tends to put people off; it keeps them at a distance and the longer you go without close relationships, the tougher it is to make and keep friends.

That said, I got married when I was 45, so it's never too late. I still feel different in that we don't have any kids, but even if we had children, I'd find another reason to feel different. It's just something inside me that will eat at me for the rest of my days. Oh, well.


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## lynnb (May 10, 2011)

Hi. I can relate to how you feel. I'm a woman though, so a little different. Anyway, sometimes I think I'd be such an awesome mom. I'm really shy though, so there aren't really any relationships on the horizon. It's getting a bit late to think of having kids. Things would need to develop pretty fast! It seems like, to me, not having a lot of relationship experience really puts me at a disadvantage if I were to decide I wanted a relationship and a family. 

My therapist kind of has me thinking that all of these things are possible. I've not even told her it's something I might want. Right now, it feels pretty unobtainable, but maybe someday. I'd probably adopt, if it came to that. I really enjoy being around my friends' kids. I don't have a ton of friends, but it's cool to watch my friend's kids grow into such interesting people.


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## beagleman (May 27, 2011)

hello all, I have similar issues as Titanic explorer. I am in my forties and I spoke to my psychologist about my thoughts:not married , no girlfriend, no children, no friends, etc. my issues are about 2 things - one is wanting a relationship and the other is big issues about thinking people are always judging you and i no this one is enormous. if someone asks me if I am married it instantly makes me spiral into bad depression, and the same about any other personal questions. I think I thought for a long time that i was correct to feel this way but the more I talk to people I only realise I am self punishing and judging myself so bad that I can hardly stand it, it is so cruel. I spoke directly to my psychogist last week and I said about the things that were hurting me so bad, seeing couples, children, wedding rings and for me the triggers are endless. She asked me to describe my life, and I gave her a list: 1 am nothing, I am not good enough, I have no life, etc. Then she asked me for a title of my life, and I said,'The life of no one story'. Anyway she said you cannot change your thought meerly by saying your good and your happy and she gave me an exercise to help change my thoughts. When I come across an unpleasant thought, I am to not ignore it but let it sit no matter how sad you may feel. Then at the same time say to yourself, "The life of no one story, Thanks mind". I think this exercise is about acceptance, mainly accepting your past life that is set in concrete. I have to go back for more counselling soon, I still feel very sad but I am able to hold the sad thoughts and not avoid them, but I will say this is a very depressing exercise.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

42 is the answer to the universe and everything. Your life will change this year !

seriously though man... i don't kno how to comfort ya on that one.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

beagleman said:


> hello all, I have similar issues as Titanic explorer. I am in my forties and I spoke to my psychologist about my thoughts:not married , no girlfriend, no children, no friends, etc. my issues are about 2 things - one is wanting a relationship and the other is big issues about thinking people are always judging you and i no this one is enormous. if someone asks me if I am married it instantly makes me spiral into bad depression, and the same about any other personal questions. I think I thought for a long time that i was correct to feel this way but the more I talk to people I only realise I am self punishing and judging myself so bad that I can hardly stand it, it is so cruel. I spoke directly to my psychogist last week and I said about the things that were hurting me so bad, seeing couples, children, wedding rings and for me the triggers are endless. She asked me to describe my life, and I gave her a list: 1 am nothing, I am not good enough, I have no life, etc. Then she asked me for a title of my life, and I said,'The life of no one story'. Anyway she said you cannot change your thought meerly by saying your good and your happy and she gave me an exercise to help change my thoughts. When I come across an unpleasant thought, I am to not ignore it but let it sit no matter how sad you may feel. Then at the same time say to yourself, "The life of no one story, Thanks mind". I think this exercise is about acceptance, mainly accepting your past life that is set in concrete. I have to go back for more counselling soon, I still feel very sad but I am able to hold the sad thoughts and not avoid them, but I will say this is a very depressing exercise.


Be nice if people would mind there own business and not ask such personal questions if you ask me. Just lie. Next time somebody asks me if im married, ill just say ya, married 10 years, wife is a model, might have seen her in vogue etc, she is mind blowing, and the sex? WOW tis INNCREDIBLE man!!, and like 6 times a day. Honestly, there are certain details about life that I think should be volunteered by somebody, rather than gathered through Q&A. I have never asked anyone if they are married, what they do for a career, how many kids they have etc. I always wait for people to volunteer that information if they feel comfortable in giving it to me.


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## gomenne (Oct 3, 2009)

I will be in the exact same situation here in the next few years.


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## beagleman (May 27, 2011)

Hello Matt J, unfortunately I feel compelled to be honest and I have tried to lie at times but this usually makes me feel worse. Just sharing my experience I think i have learnt that the problem is not others asking questions it is me judging myself. The other day a work collegue could see i was feeling stressed and I think he was trying to help me by asking a question are you married, I think his intention was to say things are that bad you have support at home, now I am trying to mind read. Most people i have known for a long time respect me although i am secretive about my life or lack of it. I have thought about telling someone the whole truth that I have sad but most people just dont understand and say your just a bit shy. I guess in my case why I am jealous of people with partners is that they can share holidays, experiences that I haven't done and feeling empty and a failure, no intimacy, hugging, no sex, too much to explain and very depressing to think about.


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## Bloody Pit Of Horror (Aug 15, 2011)

40. Single. Childless. Sexless. Friendless.


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## ReincarnatedRose (May 20, 2011)

Regardless of where your siblings stands, if you want a family, then you need to accept that and start trying to figure out a way to get that.

You're 42 so it's definitely not too late at all.

If the main issue getting in the way is your SA, then make this the year that you get counseling or go on medication. And once you start alleviating some of your SA, go out and start dating, and then it should naturally progress from that.


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