# My notes on overcoming S.A.



## takenimpulse (Nov 14, 2010)

For the past year and half, I've been working on overcoming my social anxiety through cognitive behavioural therapy. I've also attended some support groups and have read a bunch of different books at the library. I have a workbook dedicated to my research and thought I'd share some notes that really struck a chord with me and learning to cope with social anxiety better. Hopefully it can help others, too.

Sorry for any typos/grammatical errors. I'll check it over later. Some notes may be redundant.

The sooner you realize that social anxiety disorder is nothing more than a mental illness and can be overcome by hard work, dedication & retraining your thoughts, the better.

*-Negative thinking is at the heart of social anxiety.*
-Having social phobia doesn't mean I'm weak or crazy. Most people have something they have to cope with.
-Any type of avoidance, even partial avoidance is detrimental to your recovery.
-Avoidance prevents learning.
-1 in 8 Americans suffer from SAD.
-There's an important place in the world for quiet, sensitive and reserved people. No one should have to be painfully shy. No one should have to limit one's life because of fear.
-Worrying too much and avoiding situations explains why painfully shy people tend to stay painfully shy.
-With habituation, your body becomes accustomed to a certain situation. It learns not to react so strongly. Think about your body slowly becoming accustom to a cold lake/beach water.
-If you're feeling anxious, you're feeling anxious. That's all. It doesn't mean it's horrible or catastrophic.
-My anxiety causes me much pain, but part of this pain comes from not accepting who I am.
-You are more than your social anxiety. You are a *whole person *who has many strengths and a few challenges.

-I am intelligent.
-My mistakes are a learning experience.
-I believe in myself. I am going to be successful.
-Not everyone needs to like me.
-Because I am not liked it doesn't make me worthless.
-Although some people can't be trusted, I can learn to trust some or most people.
-People want to hear my opinion.
-What I have to say is important.
-I am good at what I do.
-I don't need to make a great impression every time I meet someone.
-I don't need to say something brilliant every time I open my mouth.
-My friends will still accept me if I say something presumably silly.
-Not everyone needs to love me.

-Not everyone can see your nervousness and the way it affects me. The symptoms are not as obvious to other people.
-Life is very unsatisfying when you avoid so many situations, and such behaviour hurts self-esteem and self-confidence.
-The messages society sends you are not always accurate. They can create much self-doubt and low self-esteem when someone doesn't measure up to the ideal.
-Trying to get through life without the support of others is tough.
-The longer you live without creating fulfilling relationships, the more difficult it will be to make them in the future.
-Social bonds are considered necessary to psychological well-being.

-Role reversal: Pretend that whatever you fear actually happens to someone else. How would they react? How would you react to them? Probably with good intentions.
-Modeling: Watch how others act in certain situations, then copy their behaviour. What traits give a first impression? What do people say? How do confident people carry themselves?
-People have evolved to remain a part of a group ("pack"). We want to be accepted and fit in. Thus social anxiety is normal and beneficial. 
-People who never care about others' opinions are often no very pleasant to be around.
-S.A. is embarrassment, stage fright, feelings of awkwardness when meeting new people, nervousness, jitteriness, fear of rejection. These are common experiences almost everyone goes through.
-When S.A. interferes with your life and obtaining goals, it becomes a disorder.
-(Viscous) cycle of social anxiety:
-Cognitive symptoms (what you think)
-Physical reactions (how your body feels)
-Behavioural avoidance (what you do)​-Self-deprecating thoughts can lead to low self-esteem and deep feelings of inferiority.

-S.A. are patients convinced they're boring, awkward, foolish, or ridiculous without any outside evidence.
-They vastly overestimate the degree to which others notice their anxiety, assuming it is as obvious to others as it is to themselves.
-Studies show that people with social anxiety rate their own behaviour much more negatively than independent observers do.
-There is a "self-fulfilling" prophecy effect of this kind of negative thinking behaviour.
-Believe that their (imagined) poor performance makes them the center of attention in any social situation. People are not watching your every single move.
-Humans are naturally social beings.

-If I'm not happy with something in my life, what can I do about it?
-Instead of asking "why"" instead ask "how?" "Why" is for 2 year olds.
-Focus your attention on someone else. It's not always about you. You are not the center of the universe.
-Learn to laugh at yourself. Don't take everything so seriously.
-No one has power of you. Only you have power over yourself.

Tips for conversation:
-When all else fails, say something that's happening at the moment. It's an experience you're both sharing.
-Ask questions that can't be answered by a simple yes or no.
-Show an interest in the other person's life and interview them. Most people love talking about themselves.
-Watch a talkshow host. What kind of questions does he ask and how does he keep the conversation flowing?
-Observe how people you know converse. What kind of questions do they ask and how do they keep it flowing?
-Like everything in life, conversation and social skills takes practice. Some are more naturally skilled at it, while others need to build it up. Liken it to exercising/working out.
-Everybody experiences feelings of anxiety. Some people are just able to hide it well while others are in complete denial.

-You must face the situations that make you anxious or that you avoid in real life in order to conquer your anxiety.
-You will have peaks, plateaus and valleys with your progress. Setbacks are a normal process. Do not let it discourage you.

My favourite coping thoughts for negative self-talk:
-"What evidence do I have to support this thought?"
-"How realistic is this thought?" (we tend to over exaggerate)
-"Is this thought useful to me?"

Two inspiring quotes I've read online that I just had to write down:
-"You only get one chance at life in the physical world and you are going to allow other people's thoughts make it less enjoyable?"
-"I have let myself live a limited existence, and for what? To avoid my heart rate going up? Racing thoughts? Shortness of breath? Tingling legs? Life is too short to worry."

Remember, it's not so much about forced positive affirmations. It's about neutralizing those negative thoughts. Try to reason with yourself through logical, rational thinking rather than through your emotions. There's always alternatives to your negative thinking approach. I've also been working on achieving mindfulness, but that will probably take some time yet. I suggest checking out "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Best of luck!


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## Ready To Freak Out (Jul 20, 2010)

Awesome post. Good on ya!


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## jp208 (Mar 28, 2011)

For me, this is the most useful post I have seen on here.

Thank you very much for sharing this, I for one appreciate it.


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## bigcat1967 (Apr 20, 2010)

Great post. Tell us how you are doing in the future.


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## jellybelly (May 10, 2009)

Great post, thanks for sharing


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## half jaw (Mar 25, 2011)

Great post, man! Very helpful


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## Gemini32 (Apr 12, 2011)

Great progress. Your understanding the SAD itself and educating yourself about it.


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## pehrj (Feb 12, 2009)

Amazing stuff there. Ty for this post.


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## spacebound_rocketship (Nov 21, 2009)

Awesome post-Thank you! :clap


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

Fantastic work!!!!


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## takenimpulse (Nov 14, 2010)

Found some more notes that I forgot to post. These are more to do with mental health, though. Apologies for any typos.

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-Whatever you're going through, you can be certain that someone you know has had exactly the same problem at some stage in his or her life.
-Emotional and psychological well-being is just as important as your physical health.

*Work on five main areas of your life:*
-Thoughts
-Relationships
-Diet
-Activity and exercise
-Sleep

*5 a day for mental health:*
-Connect: develop relationships; enriches life, brings support
-Be active: sports, hobbies, walking; maintains mobility and fitness
-Be curious: noting beauty of everyday moments as well as unusual; reflect on them, helps appreciate what matters to you
-Learn: brings fun & confidence
-Give: helping friends & strangers; links to your happiness, is very rewarding

-Our thoughts are *powerful*, _whether_ half-formed, random, haphazard; can influence our feelings & behaviour.
-If you can change your thinking for the better, you can also help yourself feel and behave more positively.
-First, you must learn to cope with negative thoughts, second you need to increase the number of positive thoughts.
-Negative thoughts: don't treat them as though they are facts. Most are anything but reasoned & logical; generally just a snap reaction to what you see or feel.
-Think of evidence for and against the thought
-Think of alternative explanations; there are always potential reasons for any event.
-Test out your explanations.
-Keep an open mind: most of us want certainty most of the time, but we have to accept there are some things we'll never know for sure.
-If you're worried, focus your *energies* on solving the problem.
-When having a negative thought, don't fight it or pretend it hasn't occurred. Notice it and then let it go. Focus on what you're doing, not what you're thinking.
-Thoughts are temporary, transient, and not necessarily a reflection of reality.

-The stronger our relationships, the happier we are likely to be.
-Not everyone can be a bubbly extrovert with dozens of friends and a wild social life.
-Be assertive; involves being ale to express your opinions and desires honestly, confidently and directly without being rude or aggressive.
-When someone asks you to do something say you'll think about it. You have the right to say no.

*Diet*
-Starchy foods (bread, cereal, rice, pasta, potatoes)
-Lots of fruits & vegetables
-Eat more fish, at least twice a week (lots of protein, minerals, vitamins)
-Cut down on saturated fat
-Eat less sugar (causes tooth decay, high in calories) 5g per 100g
-Reduce salt intake to <6g a day (increases chances of stroke, heart disease)
-Drink plenty of water (2L/day) (need more when it's hot or being active)
-Watch alcohol intake (not usually a problem unless you drink too much; no more than 3 units, 2 units for females)
-Don't skip breakfast

*Week should include:*
-Rewarding & enjoyable work
-Social activities
-Hobbies
-Physical exercise
-Learning new skills
-Relaxation

*Annoyance:*
-Accept life as it is, develop your tolerance and focus on the good things in life rather than the annoying ones.
-Talk it over and let it go. Dwelling on it only keeps it active.

-Exposure: if you stick with it, you'll learn to cope with your fear and, in time, conquer it. Needs to be done regularly for at least 45 minutes 3-5x a week, and systematically. *I can attest to this*

-Although you can't eliminate shyness from your life, you learn to cope with it. *Social anxiety on the other hand you can get rid of.* *I can attest to this*

-Social anxiety = negative thoughts. These thoughts change the way you behave. This in turn produces more negative thoughts and influences emotions. *It's a cycle. This is what cognitive behavioural therapy is all about. You eliminate two of these things by changing your thinking and getting regular exposure (behaviour) and it helps your emotions, which in turn influences your thinking, and then your behaviour. Now you're in a positive cycle!*



bigcat1967 said:


> Tell us how you are doing in the future.


I have overcome my social anxiety since then. Now I'm just dealing with other issues caused by my past actions due to SA. I have been presented with challenges in life, but so has everyone else. It's been a journey, but as long as I continue to grow and learn, it'll be one in the right direction this time.


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## introvert33 (Jun 23, 2010)

thanks for the info, its nice to have it in this easily digestible note format


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## caramellow (Sep 13, 2011)

Lots of good advice here. Thanks for sharing!


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## Alchemist (Mar 26, 2011)

Very good! I think everyone should read this. It is very useful.


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## Anti depressant (Jan 29, 2011)

Wow thanks! I actually really needed to see this. I've been having some negative thoughts lately, and, I just needed a reminder that they aren't always representative of reality. I'm glad you were able to knock common sense into me.


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## takenimpulse (Nov 14, 2010)

Bump, because sometimes I need to go over these notes again to remind myself.


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## JenN2791 (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow great stuff. And you're right, it is about logical/rational thinking rather than FORCING positive affirmations. For some, doing such a thing (forcing positive affirmation) can be quite too much, so going the more logical-thinking route of things shouldn't be so bad at all.

Going to really put these notes into use for overcoming my anxiety and low self esteem issues as well.

Thanks so much for sharing!


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## Neo1234 (Mar 6, 2012)

Nice one =)


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## sporteous (Mar 26, 2012)

This is extremely helpful. Your notes will be the start of my journey, thanks man.


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## takenimpulse (Nov 14, 2010)

Bump. Was reading this again. I've come quite a long way in the past 3 years. :-D


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## loneliness (Oct 3, 2013)

Excellent work.


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## CEB32 (Mar 6, 2014)

takenimpulse said:


> Bump. Was reading this again. I've come quite a long way in the past 3 years. :-D


Good job man


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