# Calling someone by name when you say "Hi?"



## meco1999

Ever since high school I have always found it very hard to say "Hi ______" instead of just "Hi" when greeting someone. It just feels awkward to me saying their name for some reason, or I feel it would be awkward to the person I'm saying the greeting to. Part of my social anxiety I guess. 

At the office should I try to say "hi (persons name)," or does it not matter? Does "hi (name)" make me seem friendlier or not? Does anyone find "hi (your name)" from a co-worker to be awkward?


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## sansd

It supposedly makes people feel good when you use their name (it probably is friendlier), but saying names makes me really uncomfortable, so I never do. I don't find it awkward at all when people say "Hi" to me with my name.


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## moneyman

meco1999 said:


> Ever since high school I have always found it very hard to say "Hi ______" instead of just "Hi" when greeting someone. It just feels awkward to me saying their name for some reason, or I feel it would be awkward to the person I'm saying the greeting to. Part of my social anxiety I guess.
> 
> At the office should I try to say "hi (persons name)," or does it not matter? Does "hi (name)" make me seem friendlier or not? Does anyone find "hi (your name)" from a co-worker to be awkward?


"a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language"

- Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Definitely use it.

That's a great book on emotional intelligence, by the way. Highly recommended.


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## simpsons2007

I know just how you feel I can never say someones name when I greet them. I even find it hard to say "hello mum" or any other family members names.


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## Kon

I still don't understand why so many AS/introverts/SADers have so much difficulty with:


Calling/greeting people by names
Looking strangers directly in the eyes
Hugging/kissing/smooching/clapping
Being congratulated
Social niceties that come so naturally to most people
There has to be some commonality. I feel like it's staring me in the face but just can't see it. What's so surprising is that people are able to even remember my name. I have major problems with name remembering.


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## IcedOver

YES! I'm surprised that someone else brought this up. This is a definite problem for me. If I'm walking into a room needing to speak specifically to someone, I can say their name to get their attention. But if it's simply a friendly greeting of "Good morning" or something in passing, I'm unable and unaccustomed to saying the person's name, even if they greet me by my name. I know that the continued lack of use of their names must paint me as a very aloof person, but I can't help it. I believe that sometimes I'm afraid to get too familiar with people I meet.


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## sprinter

Makes me uncomfortable too, I don't know why. I no longer have much trouble with eye contact though, especially with strangers.


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## zookeeper

I'm bad with names and I'll go to absurd lengths to address someone in such a way that I don't have use their name.


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## Kon

okaay said:


> I also get uncomfortable with this. If someone has a nickname however, I'm slightly & oddly) more comfortable saying it after hello. Maybe because it's less formal? I remember ex girlfriends asking me why I never say their names, I'd always say, "yo" or something haha.


I know what you mean. I call all guys "stud" or "studly" even my boss. I also feel more comfortable with "thanks" vs "thank you" because it seems less formal.


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## KeithB72

I swear, every time I come on here, somebody else posts something that I completely identify with, but previously thought I was a psycho for feeling that way. This is another one of those little things in life that has always bothered me but seems so natural for other people. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to use another person's name. On the rare occasion that I do, it almost always comes out sounding awkward and stupid to me. Sometimes I even end up blushing when I say it, especially around people in a more formal setting such as the workplace.

As to your questions, should you use it at work? Well, I suppose there have been countless studies that say that you should. So, I won't suggest otherwise because I understand that I suffer from a certain condition that probably makes me think a bit outside of the norm.

However, when people use my name, unless I know them very well, I always think they are being fake. And, I almost always end up with a negative impression about that person. It feels slimy in a way...like they are trying to manipulate me for some reason. In a real sense, I guess that is what people are trying to do in a business setting. They're trying to gain friendly, possibly acquiescent, working partners. Now, of course, it's probably not as sinister as I make it out to be. When I think about it logically, I know that people aren't horrible people by doing so. I just know that I personally don't like it. And, I've talked to other people who feel the same way. Is that normal? Probably not. Like I said, there have been countless studies to suggest the opposite, and to suggest that you should always be using a person's name in a greeting. But, the truth is, there is a subset of individuals that would prefer more genuine interactions, and that involves names not being used until a level of comfort has been achieved. I happen to fall into that group. (PS...I also can't stand a really firm handshake...another thing they always say you "should do."


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## sansd

KeithB72 said:


> However, when people use my name, unless I know them very well, I always think they are being fake. And, I almost always end up with a negative impression about that person. It feels slimy in a way...like they are trying to manipulate me for some reason.


I do feel this way if someone uses my name several times in a short period of time, although not so much if they just say my name once to get my attention or if they say "hi" and use my name. I guess it's also a little weird when someone whom I've never talked to before or whose name _I_ don't know addresses me by my name, though.



> But, the truth is, there is a subset of individuals that would prefer more genuine interactions, and that involves names not being used until a level of comfort has been achieved.


Would you feel any differently about someone using your last name as opposed to your first name?


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## KeithB72

carambola said:


> Would you feel any differently about someone using your last name as opposed to your first name?


It's interesting you ask that. There are a few people that call me by my last name. I have a somewhat unusual last name. And, so I call them by their last name, in turn. So, from real life experience, being called by my last name (and me doing that to another person) is a sign of friendliness and closeness and endearment. So, I generally actually have a positive reaction to this.

Now, if you mean, a co-worker that I don't know...I don't know, that particular scenario hasn't happened enough for me to have formulated an opinion. But, my gut tells me that because of my positive experiences with that in the past, I might have a "pavlov's dog" kind of reaction about it, and find myself liking it.

That probably was not the expected answer, but there it is. lol

I suppose maybe that is part of why I don't like the whole first name thing. I've had more negative perceptions of people who do this as a way of mental manipulation, so I automatically have a negative reaction of someone that I don't know doing it. Whereas the last name thing gives me an automatic positive reaction because of past experience.


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## victoriangirl

I feel awkward using someone's name as well - but I also feel awkward when someone else does the same to me. I always feel like they are going to extra lenghts to want something from me when they go 'Hi, Denise...'. So I always have this preconcieved idea that whatever they will be asking for will be a crappy thing. 

Since I feel awkward, I stick to simple & genuine hello's & hi's with a smile.


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## SuperSky

I find it difficult to say someone's name when greeting or addressing them, but notice I say it all the time when talking about something they've done or some humorous situation we've made up about them, even when that person is in the conversation (like instead of saying "and then we go to your house" I'll say "and then we go to Fred's house" even if I'm looking straight at Fred as I say this.) And then I notice that that was an awkward way to say things and try to shut myself up. I'm not sure if I've done this for a one-on-one convo to "Fred" after a 3rd person has left the convo or not, but I'd be kicking myself if I realised so it's probably best that I don't know.


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## sansd

SuperSky said:


> I'm not sure if I've done this for a one-on-one convo to "Fred" after a 3rd person has left the convo or not, but I'd be kicking myself if I realised so it's probably best that I don't know.


That reminds me of how I've done stuff like refer to my mom as "my mom" instead of just "mom" when talking to my sister, or refer to my sister as "my sister" instead of using my sister's name when talking to my cousin, as if I'm talking to a stranger instead of someone in my family. Those are really awkward errors.


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## Pam

Beats me why we feel uncomfortable doing this. It is kind of weird. I like it when other people call me by my name (or hon, or sweetie). Unless it is a manipulating jerk--then it feels like he is somehow stealing my name, a piece of me. ...No I'm not crazy, lol.


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## Snuffy

Same problem here, and it's very awkward. Funny thing is, I once knew someone else who never said my name when she greeted me, and after a while it actually started to annoy me - which made me feel like a hypocrite for doing the same thing all the time... But I still couldn't manage to start tagging people's names onto my "Hi". It's almost like I'm afraid of saying the name in a strange way, or being redundant or something. Feels very odd and uncomfortable.


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## GermanHermit

Kon said:


> I still don't understand why so many AS/introverts/SADers have so much difficulty with:
> 
> Calling/greeting people by names
> Looking strangers directly in the eyes
> Hugging/kissing/smooching/clapping
> Being congratulated
> Social niceties that come so naturally to most people
> There has to be some commonality. I feel like it's staring me in the face but just can't see it. What's so surprising is that people are able to even remember my name. I have major problems with name remembering.


Really? You don't understand it?

How do you define SA?

SA is fear of social interaction and those things are very basic social interactions.


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## GermanHermit

As to the original question: I find it absolutely annoying when people I meet on a daily basis greet me by using my name. I know my name and I know their name!!!

It appears only overzealous like a nonpersonal automatism trying to abide all rules tought in some management human relations courses or in books.

It only makes sense if the CEO does so to show that he knows his people or people do so that don't meet regularly.


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## Kon

EremitaGermanus said:


> Really? You don't understand it?
> How do you define SA? SA is fear of social interaction and those things are very basic social interactions.


SAD isn't a "deep" enough explanation for me. I feel the same way with hugging/hand shaking/kissing people very close to me (parents, family) with whom I don't have any real SA. Furthermore, even when I see someone cry/hug, etc. I almost feel repulsed by it. I've described it in another thread where I felt totally repulsed by group hugs/positivity/group praise or clapping, etc. Part of it may have to do with SAD and "fakeness/over-acting" issues but I think most of it may have to do with a mismatch between emotional and cognitive empathy. Here are some quotes that I can relate to.

Yirmiya, Sigman, Kasari, and Mundy (1992) noted that "one of the most striking characteristics of autistic individuals appears to be their inability to share emotional states with others" . Hobson (1993) argued that children with autism have a "seriously impoverished" sense of emotional engagement with other people. In other words, children with autism may find it difficult to engage emotionally with others because their capacity for EE (emotional empathy) is excessive and not complemented by commensurate CE (cognitive empathy).


The result might be that avoidance of social proximity would become the default coping mechanism for some individuals with autism. One person with high-functioning autism has described "*instinctive attempts to correct a feeling of having been 'engulfed' *". She explained that "when my sense of 'existence of other' . . . became too intense, I felt...swept up and lost in it but also suffocated". Stereotypic patterns in autism might sometimes be an attempt to prevent or disengage from empathic connections. (I think I can really relate to this. Many times it makes me feel almost violated even with family members. It's hard to describe as it isn't a real violation but a personal space violation. I think extreme introverts/AS may know what I'm talking about)

People with autism do not seem to attend spontaneously to salient features of the social world in the way that most people do. It is possible that this reflects an *attentional style that limits empathic arousal*. Intriguingly, an adolescent with Asperger syndrome made the following comment on making eye contact with others: "*You always feel as if the eyes are actually burning into you.* . . . You can either look between their eyes or you canlook at the mouth and you don't feel as if they are actually burning right into you".

Tinbergen and Tinbergen (1983) perceived the avoidance of social proximity as "a thing to which they [children with autism] give constant priority" . The Tinbergens observed subtle signs of this, "such as *turning away without actually moving away, turning the head sideways or letting the head hang, or even merely looking away with the eyes only* . . . , *or looking 'blank,' or even closing the eyes*" . According to the EIH (Empathy imbalance hypothesis), these patterns of behavior can be an attempt to limit empathic arousal.

People with relatively low ability to regulate their emotions can be susceptible to empathic overarousal, and it seems that personal distress is caused by such overarousal. Hoffman (2000) conceived of *empathic overarousal* as "an involuntary process that occurs when an observer's empathic distress becomes so painful and intolerable that it is transformed into an *intense feeling of* *personal distress, which may move the person out of the empathic mode entirely"*

http://cogprints.org/6799/1/TPRVol59No3-SMITH.pdf


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## joe11

I can't do this either. Saying someone's name when saying hi and I never have been able. I can't say how are you either though. :b


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## sarafinanickelbocker

I don't think they would mind a simple hi. HOWEVER, prehaps you'd like to practice so you don't feel so awkward doing it. It's up to you. It used to get me when people said MY name, but I think I'm over that. It _is_ kind of nice.


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## jkquatre

Kon said:


> I still don't understand why so many AS/introverts/SADers have so much difficulty with:
> 
> 
> Calling/greeting people by names *no, usually tho I just say Hi or Hey or Sup*
> Looking strangers directly in the eyes *no*
> Hugging/kissing/smooching/clapping *no*
> Being congratulated *yes*
> Social niceties that come so naturally to most people *no*





Not all introverts are the same. I am pretty good in social situations so much so that I've had people shocked that I don't party, get out or anything else. I have no problems remembering names when I attach them to other memories.


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## ForgetMeForever

Kon said:


> I still don't understand why so many AS/introverts/SADers have so much difficulty with:
> 
> 
> Calling/greeting people by names
> Looking strangers directly in the eyes
> Hugging/kissing/smooching/clapping
> Being congratulated
> Social niceties that come so naturally to most people
> There has to be some commonality. I feel like it's staring me in the face but just can't see it. What's so surprising is that people are able to even remember my name. *I have major problems with name remembering.*


Me too! Take me quite some time to remember someone's name.

I said hello to a neighbor's kid today (didn't say name as I don't remember ever hearing it) and waved to him as I went to take some trash out to the garbage can. The kid is out of high school, but he might have asperger's. I think they have trouble with waving. So I told myself "it's okay he didn't say anything back".


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## Hank Scorpio

I don't say names unless it's absolutely necessary and it makes me uncomfortable too.
I hate when people say my name. Not that I hate the name, it just bugs me for some reason. I especially hate the ones that say it at the end of every sentence like you don't know who they're talking to.


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## jenkydora

meco1999 said:


> Ever since high school I have always found it very hard to say "Hi ______" instead of just "Hi" when greeting someone. It just feels awkward to me saying their name for some reason, or I feel it would be awkward to the person I'm saying the greeting to. Part of my social anxiety I guess.
> 
> At the office should I try to say "hi (persons name)," or does it not matter? Does "hi (name)" make me seem friendlier or not? Does anyone find "hi (your name)" from a co-worker to be awkward?


There are just some people that have never addressed me by name, I wish they would. It is so true, it feels good to be called by name. I just brush it off and assume they are scared of my name, It has three syllables and would scare anyone.


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## tutti frutti

oh my god i thought it was just me. When people say hi to me they always use my name and i love it it makes me feel better but then again i never do i just say hi. Maybe it's cos i'm so rubbish with names but i agree it does sound much friendlier if you use their name and i'm trying to remember to do it too.


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## Addler

Glad to know I'm not the only one who can't say names: I had thought it was just a weird personal hangup. When people greet me by name, it feels slightly aggressive/invasive/forward of them, a sort of challenge: "I just said your name. I dare you to say mine." Still, I rarely use names except with family. With others, I usually just say "hi" or "oh, hi" or "howdy" to fill out the syllables ("hi" sounds too short sometimes).


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## ivankaramazov

Interesting. I typically greet people using their name and never really thought twice about it. Hopefully I'm not alienating people...


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## rickthegreat

Calling people by their first name is a little Jedi mind trick taught to me a book about conversation and friends...many reasons it works.



Addler said:


> ...I rarely use names except with family.


One of the reasons is that there's *usually* an automatic positive association with friends/family and your first name.

Something about calling a waiter/waitress or someone like that by their first name always irked me though. Maybe I do need to lighten up because a friend does it all the time and people seem to like it. Ima have to start doing that.


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## jkquatre

rickthegreat said:


> Calling people by their first name is a little Jedi mind trick taught to me a book about conversation and friends...many reasons it works.
> 
> One of the reasons is that there's *usually* an automatic positive association with friends/family and your first name.
> 
> Something about calling a waiter/waitress or someone like that by their first name always irked me though. Maybe I do need to lighten up because a friend does it all the time and people seem to like it. Ima have to start doing that.


Thanks for the heads up, thats great advice. I'm usually afraid of messing up someone's name so much so that I don't risk it (was it Amanda, or Samantha?????!!!! for example). No risk, no reward I guess.

I may have to post that in the "what did you learn on SAS thread".


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## copingbywriting

*How would I know that you didn't like me using your name?*

I always use names when I greet my work colleagues, except when I forget what it is. I wonder whether some of them feel uncomfortable when I do that, like some of the people on this thread. It never occurred to me that someone wouldn't like it.

How would I know if someone didn't like me using their name when I said "Hi" to them?


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## sanspants08

I don't like calling people by their names, but I do it at work because everyone does (in the hospital). Outside of work I do it almost zero percent of the time, and I don't like it when other people use my name either.


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## LynnNBoys

Whoa, I never even realized that I was uncomfortable until reading this thread! I struggle with greeting people with their name a lot! When I do force myself to use their name, I always stumble and stutter it. So embarrassing!

Everything on Kon's list is very familiar.


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## tranquility 08

Very interesting thread - and forum (just stumbled onto it today). 

I've noticed in professional environments primarily, people usually use others' names when greeting one another. I too like it when people use my name because I interpret that as the other person having acknowledged my presence and even having positive regard for me. However, like others, I also struggle to use other people's names because I have a hard time remembering them at that very instant (even though I know their names!). Plus some of the names of the people who work here are very similar, so I'm always afraid I'll mix them up. In fact, I saw a colleague do that just the other day. I was in the middle of a conversation with someone else, noticed it happening out of the corner of my eye, and completely forgot what I was saying and trailed off because I just felt awkward from simply watching it happen. And then it got a little awkward with the people I was with lol because they probably had no idea why I suddenly got distracted (or else they noticed it too). 

However, here's what I think is happening with the whole name usage thing: perhaps using someone's name is a way of making a connection with that person; bringing them a step closer to you. Some of us want to be closer to others but anxiety gets in the way and prevents us from doing so. Others don't want to be closer to others because they are avoiding the anxiety. So, while there are a variety of responses to the way we each deal with the anxiety, in the end, it might be that brief instant of closeness that using a person's name entails that causes so much trouble for some of us.


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## Kon

tranquility 08 said:


> However, here's what I think is happening with the whole name usage thing: perhaps using someone's name is a way of making a connection with that person; bringing them a step closer to you. Some of us want to be closer to others but anxiety gets in the way and prevents us from doing so. Others don't want to be closer to others because they are avoiding the anxiety. So, while there are a variety of responses to the way we each deal with the anxiety, in the end, it might be that brief instant of closeness that using a person's name entails that causes so much trouble for some of us.


Why does this closeness bother us so much? I don't understand it. I think I'm the latter (I don't want to get too close) with most people (except women I'm in a relationship with). But I don't feel like it's due to avoiding anxiety. I feel like I'm being swallowed up and violated. This is especially true if my parents hug me or get too close. And I kind of like my parents. I feel like I don't want that emotion because it feels "icky".


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## Xanthe

I feel really uncomfortable too when someone says my name.. Luckily, in my country it's extremely rare to say a person's name when greeting (i pray that it never becomes part of the culture in finland!). 

At the moment I'm in a Latin American country, where they keep using names all the time.. so I finally decided to try it.. and ended up saying a wrong person's name (she just smiled awkwardly and corrected me).. which made me think that maybe i should just stick to not saying the names.. but it just feels so impolite here. 

I'm able to do it now though, when I'm having a moment of inspiration and when I feel confident enough that I remember their name correctly. 

Also, when meeting people of my religion, i always address them with just sister/brother instead of their names.

(and sorry for posting on the 30+ members' forum, but i felt like this is something common to everyone regardless of age)


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## Jeff

meco1999 said:


> Ever since high school I have always found it very hard to say "Hi ______" instead of just "Hi" when greeting someone. It just feels awkward to me saying their name for some reason, or I feel it would be awkward to the person I'm saying the greeting to. Part of my social anxiety I guess.
> 
> At the office should I try to say "hi (persons name)," or does it not matter? Does "hi (name)" make me seem friendlier or not? Does anyone find "hi (your name)" from a co-worker to be awkward?


I think "hi (name)" sounds friendlier and more personal. I've had people in my past who would just say hi to me, yet who would say "hi (name)" to everyone else, it was a small thing, but bothered me nonetheless.


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## ivankaramazov

Hi Jeff.


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## Kon

On a related topic:

Do you guys get nervous or even "blush" when someone quotes your name or mentions your name in their post even though nobody is around? I'm much better now but it used to happen before. But if they just say OP or just quote you without your name it doesn't elicit the same effect?


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## copper

I always say hi with their name. I have always did this.


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## GermanHermit

;1059168517 said:


> On a related topic:
> 
> Do you guys get nervous or even "blush" when someone quotes your name or mentions your name in their post even though nobody is around? I'm much better now but it used to happen before. But if they just say OP or just quote you without your name it doesn't elicit the same effect?


I hate it when I am quoted, yet at the same time it feels nice to be noted at all. - It's a two-edged sword emotionally.


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## PickleNose

Unless it's a close family member or someone I've known for years, I tend to forget people's names.


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## lissa530

It used to make me uncomfortable saying someone's name. And I have no idea why that was. Somewhere along the lines it stopped bothering me and now I'm fine what it.

Yes I do think it comes off as more friendly to add there name when saying hello.


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## Elleire

Wow! This is interesting. I never knew that other people experienced this, too. I find saying other people's names is awkward and unnatural. If you're standing in front of me and we know each other, what need is there to state names? We both know our own names. It's strange. Even stranger that it's considered "friendlier" when, to me, it seems more formal and, I guess, "forced" than necessary. 

As for my own -- I automatically recoil in embarrassment and shame upon hearing my own name, and have for as long as I can remember. It's almost like a Pavlov's dog type deal, being an instantaneous "shame-inducer" for me. Funnily enough, I've actually seriously considered changing my first name because of this issue I have with hearing the one given to me at birth.


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## odd_one_out

moneyman said:


> "a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language"
> 
> - Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People"


When people use mine I want to spit on them.

Names are gross.


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## jg43i9jghy0t4555

it's always weird

In conversations with a friend, he probably treated me closer than everyone else because I don't do it, i guess


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