# Schema - More Personality Discovery



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Another email I sent to my therapist following a recent huge breakthrough in my understanding of my problems.

This is recognising my Internal Punisher (my name for my 'Punitive Parent' mode) who denies me good things and tells me I am evil and bad for wanting things, and who punishes me when something good happens. The aim now is to realise when its him that is speaking so that I can internally seprate myself from his outlandish claims and punishments and choose my own healthy way through life.

_Hi

I just wanted to tell you about a realisation I had the other night. When I was filling in that schema sheet about my modes, I paused and got confused when I got to the 'not letting myself have fun' parts. I felt that I would let myself do stuff like go to starbucks etc, but I realised lately, because I have been wanting to do this, that when it comes to going out to drink and possibly meet a woman, that something else kicks in. This is what I wrote in my diary:

Telling myself I do not deserve good things to happen to me - yes - I do this but in an externalised way.

I want to go and hang out at clubs, meet peoeple, be silly, have fun and yes possibly meet someone and have sex- but something in me says you ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DO THAT. My sensation has always been one of rebelling against that inner feeling, my internal prohibitor, and then when others seem to reflect this attitude, I hate them - eg some friends and to an extent - religion and god. Is that why I did so well when with thst therapist in 2003? Because he gave me PERMISSION to go out and do these things?

Loads of other people do it, and I tell myself they are ignorant, or stupid, or materialistic - and yet a huge part of me wants to be just like them! Denial, Self punitiveness, Self reproach, Hope of one day beig loved or forgiven - but feeling unworthy ... YOU ARE LIVING LIKE A MONK!! I only have to give myself PERMISSION. Sexual dynamicsm guilt and shame, earning approval, being 'good enough' eg drums, religion, relationships, academia, 'Lord Melchett' [nb this is my 'Compliant Surrenderer' mode] who comes along when I feel I might have annoyed or angered someone with my confidence, paying attention only to critical denying or angry people.

SUBJUGATION - *I presume the answer is always NO, so I feel denied all the time*, and so then I hget angry and try to rebel, to act entitled. I feel like the child sneaking a biscuit, knowing he is bad for doing it, and will be caught and punished. So I act with fear and overcompensation. I do not feel allowed to compain, to ask for things, to have good fortune, to have sex, to have money, to win, to be seen as superior, to have my own way, to borrow things. ENTITLEMENT IS REBELLION. I swing between total self denial or aggression. Supplication and attempts at domiance. I couldnt see any of this before!

This schema is at body level - a felt sense. After I had finished writing, I felt happy, but then instantly felt afraid. After I had finished writing I got that irrational sense of fear of some kind of spiritual attack. Its been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like in fact this paranoia about spirits and ghosts is actually me externalising my own inner punisher. I want to do these things that my punisher tells me is evil, and so I rebel and try to convince myself why I am entitled to do them. But I still feel evil and bad - though I dont want to see that. So instead I externalise that feeling, and become afraid that i will be attacked by ghosts or demons. This has been a lifelong thing for me. I think its my own way of projecting my Internal Punisher into the world. Anyway there was a ton more to that diary entry, maybe we can explore next monday. I wated to tell you this because I was blind to it before - due to the way I had externalised it. Im quite good at this suppression business ... _


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## poppet (Feb 7, 2008)

I have found something that has hit a chord with me and I was searching the forum to see if anything regarding this has already been posted and your post contained the keyword "shame".

I have just spent the afternoon reading up on this topic, so don't have much time to comment as must do something else with my day! but just thought it might be helpful to someone. 
http://www.columbiapsych.com/shame_miller.html

The key for me is the list of feelings\beliefs that shame is often a central ingredient of which for me sum up social anxiety. There is also a book by John Bradshaw, healing the shame that binds you which looks interesting. Yeah_Yeah_yeah, your thoughts on this approach would be very welcome.


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## hredtop (Aug 18, 2010)

> _Denial, Self punitiveness, Self reproach, Hope of one day beig loved or forgiven - but feeling unworthy ... YOU ARE LIVING LIKE A MONK!! I only have to give myself PERMISSION._


 I hear you on the permission part. I sometimes wonder if I have a hard time letting myself go / have fun because I feel unworthy? I know in the past I have:


Put up with jerk-like behavior from a boss, co-workers, neighbors, etc.?
Put other people's needs ahead of your own to such an extent that you can't meet yours and are resentful
Source: The Hidden Connection Between Your Belief About Your Happiness and Feelings of Shame

Maybe that's why I've struggle with happiness.


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## Tweedy (Jan 10, 2010)

:clap Fascinating stuff, you guys!


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> _
> SUBJUGATION - *I presume the answer is always NO, so I feel denied all the time*, and so then I hget angry and try to rebel, to act entitled. I feel like the child sneaking a biscuit, knowing he is bad for doing it, and will be caught and punished. So I act with fear and overcompensation. I do not feel allowed to compain, to ask for things, to have good fortune, to have sex, to have money, to win, to be seen as superior, to have my own way, to borrow things. ENTITLEMENT IS REBELLION. I swing between total self denial or aggression. Supplication and attempts at domiance. I couldnt see any of this before!
> 
> This schema is at body level - a felt sense.
> _


God, I'm the same way. With my anxiety going down now I feel like I'm being an *******. I have all this anger, which had been directed at myself, and now it's more directed outwards.

Although, I _feel_ like an *******, but maybe I'm hiding it okay.


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## ilsr (Aug 29, 2010)

I'm not sure if this relates. I know certain people/relatives who know about my SA make fun of me or have to be rude to me to "calm me down" when I'm having too much "fun" possibly manic, i.e. asking too many questions, displays of happy manic emotions. then it's time to shut the kid up. If I get caught up and blame others and buy into their "kid" crap at the moment, then of the course the kid gets angry and denied, depressed.


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