# About to break up with good boyfriend



## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Stomach in knots. Don't want to do this. But I


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

really need to. It's long overdue and I've started resenting him. Posting because I'm going to be a wreck afterwards and could really use people to talk about it with. I've attempted to do this many many times over the years and I always back down once things get uncomfortable.


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

if it makes you happier, go for it. if it's not too much too personal though, if he's a good boyfriend then why do you resent him?


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

Breaking up is so hard... my first time I really didn't even break up with her, I just kept dragging out the relationship and became more and more distant that eventually she gave up and left, it was terrible and I felt like such an a**hole because she deserved better than that. But the first time I legitimately broke up with a girl, I was determined to go through with it, when it came time to actually say the words my voice nearly seized up and it was like I physically couldn't speak because it was such a heart-wrenching situation, I started crying, and as she realized something major was happening I finally got the words out. 

Just remember, there's no easy way to break up with someone, it will always be hard and hurtful for both people, but imo the best and most respectful way is to be upfront and not drag anything out.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Touka said:


> if it makes you happier, go for it. if it's not too much too personal though, if he's a good boyfriend then why do you resent him?


I hate having to check in with him about everything. Going out with my (male) best friend, living with my best friend next semester.

We're from a small Texas town and he has very small town Texas values. (He wants to get married young and talks about having kids with me all the time. None of that is on my radar right now.) He also says a lot of insensitive things about gays and minorities.

He disgusts me. Passing gas, eating large amounts of greasy food and still talking negatively about obese people just because he can do that and not gain weight, being a kiss up.

He disgusts me. Touching him makes my skin crawl.

Above all else, I really want to see other people, so having him claim me as his own REALLY gets under my skin. Any mention of me being his girlfriend makes me want to vomit.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

crimeclub said:


> Breaking up is so hard... my first time I really didn't even break up with her, I just kept dragging out the relationship and became more and more distant that eventually she gave up and left, it was terrible and I felt like such an a**hole because she deserved better than that. But the first time I legitimately broke up with a girl, I was determined to go through with it, when it came time to actually say the words my voice nearly seized up and it was like I physically couldn't speak because it was such a heart-wrenching situation, I started crying, and as she realized something major was happening I finally got the words out.


Your first break up sounds like what I was attempting. He refuses to take a hint, so instead I'm just treating him badly and he's just putting up with it. At this point in time, it really does just frustrate me. I feel guilty about it when he's near me and that's what mostly motivating me to go ahead and get this over with.

Worth mentioning: We were long distance while I was in college. I'm back home now for the summer.

We've been together 2-1/2 years.

In response to your second break up: I have actually told him it's over multiple times, but he always ends up crying, then I start crying, then he starts talking me out of it and I take it back. He's a lot more determined to stay with me and he uses any tactic he can to get me to stay with him. So this is going to be a VERY brutal breakup.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Good luck. Stay strong.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I told him we need to have a serious talk two hours ago and he's acting like I never said anything and trying to be sweet and caring. I'm pretty sure he's trying to discourage me from breaking up with him. I really can't stand him sometimes.


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I told him we need to have a serious talk two hours ago and he's acting like I never said anything and trying to be sweet and caring. I'm pretty sure he's trying to discourage me from breaking up with him. I really can't stand him sometimes.


Over text? Or are you both at yours/his place right now?


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

crimeclub said:


> StaceyLaine14 said:
> 
> 
> > I told him we need to have a serious talk two hours ago and he's acting like I never said anything and trying to be sweet and caring. I'm pretty sure he's trying to discourage me from breaking up with him. I really can't stand him sometimes.
> ...


Over text. We're going to meet up once he's ready.


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> Over text. We're going to meet up once he's ready.


Ah, well stay strong. You both don't deserve a s*** relationship and you need to go out and get some strange asap. just kidding, but keep us updated on how it goes, having been in a similar situation I'm interested to know.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I don't mean to be insensitive but you entitled the thread:

About to break up with _*good*_ boyfriend

Aside from all those faults you've listed and him looking down on others, I'm guessing you know he loves you and that to you constitutes as good boyfriend?--Though obviously you don't feel this and I hope whatever you wanna do, you'll follow your instincts and follow through, stand firm and hold your ground. Do what makes you happy, and apparently you spending the rest of your life with someone you don't love back won't make you happy. Perhaps you initially thought he was a different person and in the beginning when you found out, assumed you could change him?
I wish I had advice on breakups, I don't, wishing yeh the best of luck though.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Malek said:


> I don't mean to be insensitive but you entitled the thread:
> 
> About to break up with _*good*_ boyfriend
> 
> ...


He's about to show up, so I can't respond to this in full, but you're right. He's a good boyfriend. Just not a great person. He cares a lot about me. Maybe.

But no. I was pretty sure of the type of person he was from the beginning and didn't want too much to do with him then. But he was relentless in his approach and I eventually caved.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I really don't want to be single though.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

No tears. Was quick and he's hurt.


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## baloff17 (May 28, 2014)

That's good, quick is the best way. A couple of times I got dumped in the most half-assed, slow motion way possible, with lots of back sliding and "taking me back" for a day or two, and it just made things worse. Doing it quick and clean, and sticking with your decision afterwards, that's better for everyone.

Anyway, good for you on making the tough (but right) choice. Keep us posted on how you're doing.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He's texting me telling me that he doesn't have anyone now and that he hopes I'm happy with what I've done. He's guilt tripping me and now I'm crying. And I'm sure he's crying.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He's home alone and I'm really hoping he doesn't do anything stupid. There are guns in his house. I'm probably just being paranoid. But all my doors are locked regardless.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Well done. You did the right thing. Anything he does now is not your fault. 

Maybe turn your phone off for a while. The guilt tripping is abusive.

(or go somewhere safer for a while too, just in case)

It's a bad sign that you should feel afraid of him - but all the more reason why you've done the right thing.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He's resorted to calling me a coward and asking me how I could string him along for so long. I think everything will be okay. He's as aware as I am that I've been trying to break up with him since we got together. He's just trying to guilt me into taking it back. I think things will be okay. I don't feel bad for him right now. I think not responding to his texts might be best for now.


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> No tears. Was quick and he's hurt.


Awesome good for you, and hopefully he can find comfort soon.

I think this is only the first step of a break up though, after a long-term relationship imo a break up isn't a conversation it's a journey. After long relationships like this one there's usually a high potential for backsliding. He'll text you every once in a while, be super nice and the "best person in the world" to you, and you'll get super lonely at night and maybe not miss _him_ but miss having a companion and someone who cares about you, you'll want to cuddle with someone/f*** someone, etc and that can get pretty tricky. You'll probably meet some people you really like and it doesn't work out so that magnifies your loneliness and his super sweet texts seem more appealing.

This is of course only my experience in this situation, maybe he repels you so much that you're done for good, but like you mentioned, loneliness isn't preferred and it can make you do some irrational things.

So cut him off completely, no calls, no texts, block him on Facebook, etc etc. He's cut off completely because at this point he's only a hindrance to you finding a good relationship (and keeping himself from finding one too)

Anyway, yeah... now go get you some.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Can you play it safe and never meet him alone, tell your parents, friends, school/work pals to hang around with you for a bit so you're not tempted to respond to him and be alone with him. You might be single, but you're not alone, just please be safe.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

crimeclub said:


> StaceyLaine14 said:
> 
> 
> > No tears. Was quick and he's hurt.
> ...


All true. I'm still worried about him, so I won't completely cut off communication.

His mom is texting me...


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> His mom is texting me...


What the ****? :?

I think crimeclub is right about cutting off all contact. It's people who are too nice who end up getting manipulated, unfortunately.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I don't know what to tell his mom. She just asked me why he's upset. She is certifiably insane and I really don't want to have to deal with her cursing me out.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Malek said:


> Can you play it safe and never meet him alone, tell your parents, friends, school/work pals to hang around with you for a bit so you're not tempted to respond to him and be alone with him. You might be single, but you're not alone, just please be safe.


Can do. I think I'll be okay though. He seems to be handling it better than I anticipated.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I don't know what to tell his mom. She just asked me why he's upset. She is certifiably insane and I really don't want to have to deal with her cursing me out.


You don't have to tell her anything. Ignore her calls.

The more I hear about him and his family the more it seems like you should get to some sort of safe house for a while.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

TicklemeRingo said:


> StaceyLaine14 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know what to tell his mom. She just asked me why he's upset. She is certifiably insane and I really don't want to have to deal with her cursing me out.
> ...


I'm probably making them sound a lot worse than they are. They aren't that bad. They do have issues, but I seriously doubt they're homocidal. Close. But I don't think they'd go that far. I'm just being paranoid.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I'm probably making them sound a lot worse than they are. They aren't that bad. They do have issues, but I seriously doubt they're homocidal. Close. But I don't think they'd go that far. I'm just being paranoid.


I see. These sorts of situations are apparently when woman are most at risk, so I'd be careful even if it seems unlikely.

Don't take any **** from his mum.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

TicklemeRingo said:


> StaceyLaine14 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm probably making them sound a lot worse than they are. They aren't that bad. They do have issues, but I seriously doubt they're homocidal. Close. But I don't think they'd go that far. I'm just being paranoid.
> ...


I didn't respond and she still hasn't sent me another message so I think everything will be alright. Feeling guilty and ungrateful right now. But I trust those feelings will pass. Just hope I don't regret this. (His dad's side of the family is much lovelier than his mom's.)


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Change your number lol.. If you want it over leaving him a way to guilt or contact you is going to make it a lot worse.


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## crimeclub (Nov 7, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I didn't respond and she still hasn't sent me another message so I think everything will be alright. Feeling guilty and ungrateful right now. But I trust those feelings will pass. Just hope I don't regret this. (His dad's side of the family is much lovelier than his mom's.)


Well, regret shouldn't come into play, because as harsh as it sounds, you're just plain not responsible for his actions, the girl I had the slow-burn break up with threatened suicide (she had access to a lot of medication), but what was I supposed to do? I couldn't be her emotional slave, it just came down to hoping that she'd make the right decision and hoping her family would be there for her.

Also you shouldn't regret the break up because you've had plenty of time to establish the true dynamic you have with this guy, and it clearly isn't what you want, and that won't change. He might be totally willing to make some changes, but those changes only last for a small amount of time and he'll inevitably revert back to the way he naturally is. People can improve for sure, but it's hard as hell to actually change, and it sounds like simple improvements on his part isn't the only thing you're looking for.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

I've been through this kind of thing a few times. You had to do it. Here's hoping you feel better asap.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He doesn't understand why I can't just be happy with him. It's usually at this point that I change my mind. I don't understand why I can't just be happy with him either. He treats me well.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

Treating you well isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship.
If there is no attraction, it's never going to work.

You broke up for a reason. Shut off your phone and stay at a friends place (since he has guns). Cut all contact with him and his family.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I'm with my mom and sister. He says he's coming back over.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I'm with my mom and sister. He says he's coming back over.


Do not let him in!
This is usually when things go really really wrong!
Does your door have a peep hole?

Why is he coming back anyways?


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He's coming back because I stopped answering his texts and he's demanding an explanation for me breaking up with him. I've already given him several. He's just really upset right now and I don't think there's anything I can say to calm him down. 

I really don't think he'll do anything. The doors are locked. I could see him crying outside my window at the absolute most.


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

At least see if he has a gun before you even think about opening.

I remember breaking up with my ex, he demanded I wrote a list of everything that was wrong with him, and I did. It wasn't enough.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Be prepared to call the police. 

The guy sounds...like trouble. You've given him more than enough explanations already.

It's good that your mum and sister are there.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I really didn't expect him to take this so badly. He keeps telling me I need to explain myself but he refuses to take my explanations as truth. 

I think his dad just tried to call me. This is really too much.

In my wildest nightmares I didn't expect this to go so badly. I really don't want to make a scene and I'd really prefer not to have to call the cops.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

There is 'trying to save things' and there is just plain being harassing, and it sounds like he is the type to be harassing. His parents pressuring you and him coming over in person is just plain intimidation to try to force you to change your mind. The reasons don't matter to him at any level, he is just looking for excuses or leverage to weaken your resolve.


Arguing about it with the cops might be exactly what he needs.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

This behavior is pretty normal. After a few months his hurt will fizzle out and he'll probably have a new girlfriend.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

I must say it's very weird that he's getting his parents to call you. How old is this guy? 

Because he sounds like a man-child.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

He's only 18. A senior in high school. It's not that bizarre. I think he's calmed down and accepted it now. Things just got a bit crazy for a little bit there.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

You go girl!


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

opcorn well goddamn this thread is interesting. I kinda feel bad for the sucker but hey he's 18. He has his whole life ahead of him, he will be alright.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Thank you all for getting me through that. It's been a long time coming. Now to see how I cope with being single.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

It sounds like one of those cases where you are both young and you are going off in separate directions with your lives. You don't want commitment and he does. The best thing would be for both of you to get on with life, accept the relationship is over and who knows fate may throw you back together further down the line, but for now from having read you initial posts the romance has faded away.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I don't understand why I can't just be happy with him either. He treats me well.


That he doesn't treat _other_ people well or share your values is a very good reason to not be happy with him.


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## UnderdogWins (Apr 9, 2015)

You did the right thing, StaceyLaine14.

I would recommend you blocking his number. You need to put him out of your life.

_Why can't people just accept someone doesn't love them and move on? _


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

I think this was a huge mistake. I've come to realize that I'm apparently not good enough for anyone as I am. There comes a time when you have to lower your standards. I'd much rather get back with my boyfriend and learn to be kind to him rather than be single.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I think this was a huge mistake. I've come to realize that I'm apparently not good enough for anyone as I am. There comes a time when you have to lower your standards. I'd much rather get back with my boyfriend and learn to be kind to him rather than be single.


It sounds like you're just in an anxious place at the moment/getting withdrawals/worried about this other guy (the one visiting your family). It will pass. Wait it out.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I think this was a huge mistake. I've come to realize that I'm apparently not good enough for anyone as I am. There comes a time when you have to lower your standards. I'd much rather get back with my boyfriend and learn to be kind to him rather than be single.


No. Being in a relationship because you don't want to be single? Definitely no.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

Steiner of Thule said:


> StaceyLaine14 said:
> 
> 
> > I think this was a huge mistake. I've come to realize that I'm apparently not good enough for anyone as I am. There comes a time when you have to lower your standards. I'd much rather get back with my boyfriend and learn to be kind to him rather than be single.
> ...


I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You can start the "he deserves someone who wants him for him" discussion if you so wish. But at the end of the day, people enter relationships because they don't want to be alone. Being alone sucks. Having to deal with men I can't trust sucks. I'd much rather go back to someone I knew cared about me, care for him, and try to be happy. I resort to some very self destructive behaviors when I'm lonely and those self destructive behaviors are what really made me want to distance myself from him in the first place.

I'm not going to be very nice to anyone who criticizes me right now. I'm sorry.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

I'll tell you why.
Because I speak out the truth, and truth only with hardcore arguments. In long run people like when someone smashes the sledgehammer of justice.

Look, maybe you are young ... but it's time for you to learn you are not center of Universe. If you willingly get into relationship, you get someone "hooked up" emotionally, you make them come to you like spider attracts it's pray with use of his web. With one word: you get responsibility for someone's else life and emotions. 

Because of that you need to be ready to hold against all consequences that come to your way. If you are not, then you are not ready for relationships. I'm telling you again: you are not most important! You need to think about that other person even if you don't love him, even if you don't "fancy him", I don't care - you got moral obligation!

To avoid, ignore and block someone is so selfish I couldn't even write something else to you even if I wanted. Want some good break out example? When I wanted to make a breakup, I was ready to tell the person following: "Look, no matter what, I know you are hurt, but I'm here ready to take the blows. And even after those blows I will stalk you to repair the damage. If you want me to be by you in 3 in the morning I'm gonna do that. If you never want to see me again - I'm gonna do that. Because I stepped back from our moral agreement. In good and in evil! Forever! I won't make it easier for me because I don't deserve it. My happiness is not exchangeable for someone's misery". 

You know how's that stance called? A person. A honorable person.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You can start the "he deserves someone who wants him for him" discussion if you so wish. But at the end of the day, people enter relationships because they don't want to be alone. Being alone sucks. Having to deal with men I can't trust sucks. I'd much rather go back to someone I knew cared about me, care for him, and try to be happy. I resort to some very self destructive behaviors when I'm lonely and those self destructive behaviors are what really made me want to distance myself from him in the first place.
> 
> I'm not going to be very nice to anyone who criticizes me right now. I'm sorry.


Nah it's way better being single. Perhaps a good thing to learn is to not fear being alone.

From what I read you find the guy disgusting too. Also that would mean you already felt alone if you were doing those *self destructive* behaviors while with him.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Doesn't sound like a good boyfriend.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

cherbird said:


> Wrong. She owes him nothing. People fall out of love - that's life. She isn't responsible for his happiness.


Okay, you can fall out of love but without hurting anyone. Moment you connect with someone you agree on some moral terms, if you are selfish and use your "right to unlove" - that's fine, but moment someone is hurt it's no fine anymore. I like balance. I don't like selfishness. I like respect. I like when both sides win.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm in the same situation, but on the opposite side..i.e.: I'm the guy in the situation.

Now, I'm not justifying the guy's actions, but I can understand where he's coming from. When some things happen so abruptly, it's human nature to want to find answers. I want answers really badly as well but all I get is "I don't know" which can be frustrating. Best thing for you to do is answer everything honestly once (even if it hurts him) and if he still keeps harassing you for answers, block him.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

RuNNer90 said:


> Want some good break out example? When I wanted to make a breakup, I was ready to tell the person following: "Look, no matter what, I know you are hurt, but I'm here ready to take the blows. And even after those blows I will stalk you to repair the damage. If you want me to be by you in 3 in the morning I'm gonna do that. If you never want to see me again - I'm gonna do that. Because I stepped back from our moral agreement. In good and in evil! Forever! I won't make it easier for me because I don't deserve it. My happiness is not exchangeable for someone's misery".


^This is utterly ridiculous.

You're projecting all sorts of weird **** onto the OP's situation - which it seems you didn't really read too closely.


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## ashen (Mar 25, 2014)

Ive been through similar. You cant talk to him at all until he calms down and gets his head straight again (1 maybe two months).
You give him any hope and he will try and latch on again. Give him a finger hell take your arm.
Thats how it was for me at least its so agonizing.


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

TicklemeRingo said:


> ^This is utterly ridiculous.
> 
> You're projecting all sorts of weird **** onto the OP's situation - which it seems you didn't really read too closely.


Yeah it's ridiculous ... right.... but it ain't ridiculous to only think about your as* and pretend nothing happened at all. Cowards of the world, UNITE.
@cherbird I don't supose anything, I'm just saying you can't think only about yourself ... that's one of main reasons why we live in such egoistical and out-of-place world because everyone are so selfish. You can go, that's no problem, no one is making you love someone with force, but you need to take care of person that's wounded.

But then again, pretty much very low % of people will understand that because most dire situation they were in is when the milk lady told them there's no their flavor of milk today. But if you get into some crazy real life situations you start to respect others in a way that you need to work with them when you somewhat "fail" them.

Social media and Kim Kardashian stuff all over the place! Me me me me me me, how can I profit, how can I feel better, how can I enjoy myself more ... all over dead bodies if needed!


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

RuNNer90 said:


> Yeah it's ridiculous ... right.... but it ain't ridiculous to only think about your as* and pretend nothing happened at all. Cowards


Except that's not what happened in this person's case.

Yeah yeah everyone except for you is self-centred, cowardly and celebrity obsessed. How unfortunate we can't all be in that small percentage of higher beings that see things as clearly and intelligently as you do.

You forgot to use the word 'sheeple'.


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## Midnight626 (May 30, 2015)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Well done. You did the right thing. Anything he does now is not your fault.
> 
> Maybe turn your phone off for a while. The guilt tripping is abusive.
> 
> ...


^ All this. & It might not seem & feel this way now, but your heart is stronger than you can imagine. It may not always heal, but it does grow stronger.


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## Sparkle0 (May 23, 2015)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> really need to. It's long overdue and I've started resenting him. Posting because I'm going to be a wreck afterwards and could really use people to talk about it with. I've attempted to do this many many times over the years and I always back down once things get uncomfortable.


If you resent him then he's not good.. For you. Cut it and don't look back.


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## CW2015 (Feb 17, 2015)

How did you get on?


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## RuNNer90 (May 26, 2015)

TicklemeRingo said:


> Except that's not what happened in this person's case.
> 
> Yeah yeah everyone except for you is self-centred, cowardly and celebrity obsessed. How unfortunate we can't all be in that small percentage of higher beings that see things as clearly and intelligently as you do.
> 
> You forgot to use the word 'sheeple'.


You said that, not me, but I'm flattered. Anyways I believe we are not dying breed. Kardashianlikes will never progress in that aspect. I think that kind of people will probably be exterminated by nature because world will always thrive for better and learn from mistakes like this one, like world we live in.

No need for extra intelligence on this one. Maybe emotional intelligence.


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## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

CW2015 said:


> How did you get on?


Before or now? And do you mean "you" as in me or "you" as in the both of us?


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