# Are women necessarily turned off by shy guys?



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

I keep hearing it over and over again. A man has to be assertive, can't be shy, can't show weakness, can't show fear, grrrr man hear me roar!! A female friend told me that it's in a woman's psychobiological nature to find shyness to be a turn off. Because any man that finds a woman intimidating is weak and had the mindset of inferiority in relation to women. She wants to feel like she is a man'd equal. Not his superior. But is this psychoevolutionary stuff really all that right? Are women just mere slaves to their psychoevolutionary nature? Aren't they individuals with individual preferences? Are women really this stereotypical caricature?

I've given some thought to this recently because I had a bad date with a shy girl 12 days ago where we had a lot of awkward silences, I was 30 minutes late due to a gps fail and I accidentally spilled a bit of my drink on her (Lol). Her body language didn't seem all thy positive. She seemed a lot less eager than she was before the date (she was very, very eager. I've been told numerous times I'm a good looking guy so I guess she found me really attractive). She wasn't going to move into the area until after her vacation abroad (she got a job in my city and was in te process of moving). But she was so eager that she wanted to meet with me for drinks after work before she went on her vacation.

Well after the date I text her (this is at midnight-ish) asking her how it went with her client (she had to work with a client late that day). She didn't reply. I texted her 32 hours later asking her if shed like a second date. She agreed to go on a second date after her vacation. When he moves into her new apartment. So I IM her with a hey yesterday when I see that she was on the hookup site I met her. Yesterday was the day she was to fly back so i figured she was back. She was timed out so she didn't get a chance to respond to the Im but it was sent to her mailbox as a pm. She logged later that night but didn't reply. I texted her this morning after I got in at work asking her how her vacation was. No reply yet. 

Seems like another situation where my shyness ****ed me over and it pisses me off. She was shy too. She was partially to blame for the awkward silences. But since I'm the man and I gotta be assertive or whatever, I guess i take the blame. Which is bull****. I'm not here to start a gender war. But I find it aggravating how much of an uphill battle this is for guys with SA. We are expected to be the non-shy ones and assertive but our disorder makes us shy and unassertive.

I wasn't really all that interested in her. There's another girl I'm really interested in (thus far) and we hung out a little bit alone a few days ago. She told me two weeks ago that she's not looking for a relationship (after she sensed I liked her) but was interested in friendship. However it seems like she might be starting to like me apparently. A mutual female acquaintance told me that she had been giving me signals and I missed them all because I don't make enough eye contact with her. And she (the girl i like, not the axquaintance) was the one who suggested we hang out together after a group meeting. The female friend thinks that she's a take it slow girl and wants friendship before a relationship. But I worry I'm gonna **** it up anyway with my shyness and anxiety. It's hard for me to make much eye contact with her. We both have SA but the man needs to be strong. Grrrr man power. I have talked about my anxiety (not about how im anxious with her. But anout other things) with her a bit too but male friends are telling me "don't show weakness or fear. Be a man with hair on your chest. Grrrr." if women are really this way, then maybe I do hate women. But I'd like to think that women are individuals and that there are women out there who are understanding about SA.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

It would be hypocritical for me to say I find shy guys a turn off but yet I'm really shy. I don't find it a turn off cause I can relate and maybe I have to grow some balls/ovaries and make the first move in that situation. I can't really hold eye contact for long...I just feel creepy if I just stare at the person. So I look at something else then look back or I'm just easily distracted. I say I'm submissive cause I'm too shy to speak up and it turns me on if guys are a little dominant in the intimate side. 

But no don't hate women just cause you are meeting the wrong ones. Yes this world tends to think that men should make all the moves and be the strong one. I don't hate men that's for sure...there are good then there are bad...doesn't matter what gender.


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## TrcyMcgrdy1 (Oct 21, 2011)

Some girls do find it attractive and they, if you are lucky, are go getters. HAppened to em a few times but I was too scared to do anything relationship wise. Bad idea. Unfortunately, a high percentage of woment hat find shy/introverted guys attractive like guys liek that so they can be the dominant one int he relationship and control everything. Notice I said SOME women, not all. Don't want to ruffle any feathers here.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

We're all going through it dude. I haven't had bad luck mentioning my social anxiety to women I dated. I look at it like this: if she liked me enough to begin with, me mentioning SA won't have much of an effect anyway. I'm not a meathead or alpha male type, so if she likes that sort of thing, I wouldn't have even gotten my foot in the door, so-to-speak.


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## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

Im shy and its never been a problem. It seems the only women that would have a problem with it are the loud, outgoing, gobby types (which I for one wouldnt go anywhere near).

Shyness usually happens for both parties on 1st dates, especially if you met them online. Surely women wouldnt judge your shyness from that as they are probably feeling the same sort of shyness.

The 2 things in your date that sound a bit iffy to me was the fact you were late. Surely you should of set off a lot earlier? Even if it meant you would get there an hour early and have to wait around... 1st impressions are everything. 

Also the awkward silences. They are date killers at the best of times but you had lots of them. Even with shyness, if you had lots in common and were more compatible there would barely be any silence cause you would be going through all the similaritys.

You could even of forced the silence away by bringing up things that happened earlier.

Spilling a drink is usually no problem on the first date. I remember (sort of) this date I had last year where all we did was go to pub after pub. It was good for the confidence, nerves and shyness cause I couldnt stop talking... But after perhaps 8 pints I was a bit too drunk. Spilt half my drink over her by mistake, knocked 2 of my other pints over on the table. Then to top it all off. She had to get the last train home, and I had over half a pint left, I took the pint from the pub, walked her to train, put it on floor of station platform whilst I checked to see if her train was on time... then tripped over the pint and spilt it. Somehow in between all that drinking I suggested we formed a relationship (We knew loads about eachother after talking for 2 months online prior) which she agreed to and we ended up together for a year.

Just dont worry, take it as it comes


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

I don't really view silence as being awkward. I don't see the need to fill 24 hours with conversation. But it's great to be able to carry on a great conversation with someone. Nervousness comes into play on the first few dates.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

Go to the dating studies. Most women are hugely bias in favour of extraversion trait in men. It's grounded in biology and called sexual selection. 

I'm not interested in anyone quoting who says 'but I love shy guys'. Good for you. I don't claim it a strict rule. I'm just repeating what dating studies show. Most women don't like shy guys and do like extraverted guys.


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## ThrashtilDeath (Mar 21, 2009)

The vast majority are turned off, some are not. There are exceptions to every rule.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

Truly honest here I'm not attracted to super outgoing people. Like a person that knows everyone, has like a million friends, can talk to anyone kind of makes me nervous and feel left out. Yes it may be good to be with someone that's a little outgoing just to make yourself be out there but then I dunno I rather have someone that's like me but dunno if it would be good for SA lol. Cause then you will just not be out in the world. But I do like staying in then going out sometimes. Sometimes I do get into moods where I want to go out somewhere but I rather just stay in and watch movies heh. 

Believe it or not no I don't go look for super outgoing talkative people....I would sometimes find it exhausting. There are introverted women out there.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

I have gotten the boot by many women when they found out I was the shy soft spoken type. I don't LOOK like the soft spoken shy guy, but when women saw that I was they quickly lost interest.

If you keep working at it you should be able to get over it enough to get a woman to do you (without paying her $200. lol) I just don't think it is worth the time and effort anymore.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> I've given some thought to this recently because I had a bad date with a shy girl 12 days ago where we had a lot of awkward silences, I was 30 minutes late due to a gps fail and I accidentally spilled a bit of my drink on her (Lol). Her body language didn't seem all thy positive. She seemed a lot less eager than she was before the date (she was very, very eager. I've been told numerous times I'm a good looking guy so I guess she found me really attractive). She wasn't going to move into the area until after her vacation abroad (she got a job in my city and was in te process of moving). But she was so eager that she wanted to meet with me for drinks after work before she went on her vacation.
> 
> Well after the date I text her (this is at midnight-ish) asking her how it went with her client (she had to work with a client late that day). She didn't reply. I texted her 32 hours later asking her if shed like a second date. She agreed to go on a second date after her vacation. When he moves into her new apartment. So I IM her with a hey yesterday when I see that she was on the hookup site I met her. Yesterday was the day she was to fly back so i figured she was back. She was timed out so she didn't get a chance to respond to the Im but it was sent to her mailbox as a pm. She logged later that night but didn't reply. I texted her this morning after I got in at work asking her how her vacation was. No reply yet.
> 
> Seems like another situation where my shyness ****ed me over and it pisses me off. She was shy too. She was partially to blame for the awkward silences. But since I'm the man and I gotta be assertive or whatever, I guess i take the blame. Which is bull****.


You're assuming it was the shyness that turned her off. It could have been something else. Maybe she just didn't feel a connection, did you guys have much in common? Maybe you gave off uninterested vibes, since you admit you weren't all that interested in her to begin with.

and no, not all women prefer the extroverted type. I have never considered shyness a turnoff.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

The first girl from the hookup site might have changed her mind about you because you looked different from your photos.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

meeps said:


> You're assuming it was the shyness that turned her off. It could have been something else. Maybe she just didn't feel a connection, did you guys have much in common? Maybe you gave off uninterested vibes, since you admit you weren't all that interested in her to begin with.
> 
> and no, not all women prefer the extroverted type. I have never considered shyness a turnoff.


Yea the no connection thing might be true too. You say she is shy too maybe she is just really nervous to see you again so hasn't really responded. Sometimes I don't really respond from nervousness. Or maybe she is just too busy to respond back yet.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Women are repulsed by anything they consider inferior to themselves, and that includes shyness.


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## cherryboom (Jun 14, 2012)

phoenixwright said:


> I keep hearing it over and over again. A man has to be assertive, can't be shy, can't show weakness, can't show fear, grrrr man hear me roar!! A female friend told me that it's in a woman's psychobiological nature to find shyness to be a turn off. Because any man that finds a woman intimidating is weak and had the mindset of inferiority in relation to women. She wants to feel like she is a man'd equal. Not his superior. But is this psychoevolutionary stuff really all that right? Are women just mere slaves to their psychoevolutionary nature? Aren't they individuals with individual preferences? Are women really this stereotypical caricature?


For me a shy guy would be ideal. I would be a lot more comfy around a shy guy that Mr. Social Butterfly or Mr. Ladies Man etc. However the problem of the matter is shy guys don't approach me and me being shy myself am very traditional and let the guy do the chasing so it seems the shy guy of my dreams with evade me forever more  It's weird I find shyness in a man very different and refreshing and a complete turn-on


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## fyre (Aug 12, 2012)

Everyone is so very different. If a girl doesn't have a good time with you because you are quiet, then she's not worth your time. If someone doesn't like you over something so immaterial then move on and find someone who will actually appreciate you the way you are. Lots of girls are actually turned on by shy guys. I'm one of them. I've always been attracted to the shy, outcast, scrawny, unusual boys. I can't stand typical men. And yeah, that's strange, but whatever. Every girl has their own opinion about what's hot, and many times it's not what you would expect.


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## jadebridger (Aug 13, 2012)

well i think that shy guys are alot cuter and more attractive because i wouldn't wanna date a guy who is big headed and rude or loud or something aha


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel way more comfortable around shy men. Not only that, but I find shyness extremely endearing.

I find that a lot of men feel the same way about shy women [not attracted]. If not, they're fetishizing they're "innocence." If I were you, I really wouldn't get caught up in something so out of my control.

_Side-note: I didn't read your whole post, so sorry if the latter comment was irrelevant. _


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## Blawnka (Dec 12, 2011)

I'd say 9/10 girls do (IMO) but I assume shy girls like shy guys better therefor you're probably not going to be talking to each other..


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## millyxox (Dec 18, 2009)

No. I get along best with shy people. I like shy guys who have healthy self-esteem, the mysterious ones who keep you guessing. Some shy guys are intriguing, you want to know more about them.


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## Cashew (May 30, 2010)

What AllToAll said. I find it comfortable and endearing.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Well the shy girl I went on a date with got back to me when I sent her a follow up text this evening.

I don't know, I get this feeling that she's not interested in me anymore. But it could just be my low self-esteem talking. When that mutual female acquaintance told me that the girl I _really_ like was giving me "signals" through her body language that she liked me, I found it very hard to believe her. I fundamentally understand that I'm a good looking guy after receiving positive feedback in that area. But I feel like such a social retard. And feel a great sense of inferiority and lack of self-belief in general.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

All we can do is be the best we can be at the given moment and if other people don't like it then it is what it is, but there are women who like shy men.

Separate shyness from this equation and just think about what makes someone shy. It goes beyond just "shyness". It is an act and a belief. When a shy person speaks they are weak typically. When a shy person wants to express themselves they can have a hard time. When a shy person wants to love, this can even be a problem.

The good news is that humans are multidimensional. You should NEVER give up on yourself because you feel less confident on day over the next or shy one day over the next. What makes someone a happy confident person is the actions they take coupled with the thoughts they think.

In the grand scheme of things, if you keep dating you WILL find someone you are compatible with. You just need to keep going out there regardless if you are shy or not and watch your life change!

START LOOKING AT THE POSITIVE. Focus on the positives. Start liking the things you are already. Just try your best to focus on the positive even when your sad. Make goals that are positive when you are sad. Be positive and look at the positives and stop focusing on the negative.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Well the shy girl I went on a date with got back to me when I sent her a follow up text this evening.
> 
> I don't know, I get this feeling that she's not interested in me anymore. But it could just be my low self-esteem talking. When that mutual female acquaintance told me that the girl I _really_ like was giving me "signals" through her body language that she liked me, I found it very hard to believe her. I fundamentally understand that I'm a good looking guy after receiving positive feedback in that area. But I feel like such a social retard. And feel a great sense of inferiority and lack of self-belief in general.


maybe she lost interest when you texted her instead of calling


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

http://www.rootofattraction.com/texting-girls-vs-calling-them/

very good article why texting a girl is often death


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

phoenixwright said:


> Well the shy girl I went on a date with got back to me when I sent her a follow up text this evening.
> 
> I don't know, I get this feeling that she's not interested in me anymore. But it could just be my low self-esteem talking. When that mutual female acquaintance told me that the girl I _really_ like was giving me "signals" through her body language that she liked me, I found it very hard to believe her. I fundamentally understand that I'm a good looking guy after receiving positive feedback in that area. But I feel like such a social retard. And feel a great sense of inferiority and lack of self-belief in general.


If a girl doesn't like you then she doesn't like you. There are women out there who do. Focus on the positives dude. Even if you can't see them, aim for them and strive for them. It's out there. Just keep doing what you are doing. You've made a **** ton of progress and you are going through what most people go through. Focus on the positives that are happening. Your moving right on up


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Whenever a girl that likes me finds out that I'm shy, she drops me like a rock. It makes it especially hard because I don't like the domineering type girls. I like girls that are shy.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

ThatOneQuietGuy said:


> Whenever a girl that likes me finds out that I'm shy, she drops me like a rock. It makes it especially hard because I don't like the domineering type girls. I like girls that are shy.


 For the most part this is what I find to be true.

Women in general do not have a big problem with shyness at first, if it is just early nervousness. But they tend to expect you to shake it off rather quickly (and by quickly I mean within a few minutes of first meeting them).

Think about your romantic leads in movies (especially ones geared to women) is the male romantic lead ever super shy?


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Idk man, I think the OP is putting too much focus on this shyness thing. Because people who AREN'T shy experience the same things when dating!

Don't let your shyness stop you from what you want because you'll find it IF you continue to go after it. People look for reasons to give up just as much as I fight for reasons to keep going. I've been in your situation and I know from personal experience if you keep going you'll get there. Relationships aren't as hard as winning the lottery if we just stop being hard on ourselves.

If a girl doesn't like you for you then move on. She wasn't a good match for you anyway. The faster you get girls who flake or act disinterested the faster you'll find girls who are interested


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## gomenne (Oct 3, 2009)

Why dont you just flip the question ? Are men necessarily turned off by shy women ?
Sure, nobody in real life wants to get involved with shy reserved, not talkative people.
Nobody likes them. The gender doenst matter.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Well the shy girl I went on a date with got back to me when I sent her a follow up text this evening.
> 
> I don't know, I get this feeling that she's not interested in me anymore. But it could just be my low self-esteem talking. When that mutual female acquaintance told me that the girl I _really_ like was giving me "signals" through her body language that she liked me, I found it very hard to believe her. I fundamentally understand that I'm a good looking guy after receiving positive feedback in that area. But I feel like such a social retard. And feel a great sense of inferiority and lack of self-belief in general.


Like I said maybe she is just really nervous and it comes off as uninterested. Like awkward and all. Or you may be right she may not be. Maybe you said something she didn't like what you said?


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

bwidger85 said:


> Idk man, I think the OP is putting too much focus on this shyness thing. Because people who AREN'T shy experience the same things when dating!
> 
> Don't let your shyness stop you from what you want because you'll find it IF you continue to go after it. People look for reasons to give up just as much as I fight for reasons to keep going. I've been in your situation and I know from personal experience if you keep going you'll get there. Relationships aren't as hard as winning the lottery if we just stop being hard on ourselves.
> 
> If a girl doesn't like you for you then move on. She wasn't a good match for you anyway. The faster you get girls who flake or act disinterested the faster you'll find girls who are interested


It's all in the numbers then huh? Just like online advertizing.


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## Laura1990 (May 12, 2012)

I find it cute sometimes


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It's not necessarily that they're _turned off _by them, but that shy guys don't make a move...and most women won't make the move for them.

So you have a girl, who thinks "aww, he's cute", but he's too shy to make a move, and she assumes either A.) that he's too shy to make the move, and that it's the guy's place to make it, or B.) that he's not interested in her.

Both of which will end up making both of them incompatible with each other.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

WintersTale said:


> It's not necessarily that they're _turned off _by them, but that shy guys don't make a move...and most women won't make the move for them.
> 
> So you have a girl, who thinks "aww, he's cute", but he's too shy to make a move, and she assumes either A.) that he's too shy to make the move, and that it's the guy's place to make it, or B.) that he's not interested in her.
> 
> Both of which will end up making both of them incompatible with each other.


Thought, most of them will see you as a creep/loser.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> Well the shy girl I went on a date with got back to me when I sent her a follow up text this evening.
> 
> I don't know, I get this feeling that she's not interested in me anymore. But it could just be my low self-esteem talking. When that mutual female acquaintance told me that the girl I _really_ like was giving me "signals" through her body language that she liked me, I found it very hard to believe her. I fundamentally understand that I'm a good looking guy after receiving positive feedback in that area. But I feel like such a social retard. And feel a great sense of inferiority and lack of self-belief in general.


Easy way to find out if she is still interested in you: ask her out again.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

scarpia said:


> Easy way to find out if she is still interested in you: ask her out again.


I did. She said that she's still waiting to move into her apartment (she lives in niagara but got a job in Mississauga so she is in the process of moving and hasnt come back to work yet (jetlag from vacay). We had our first date once after work 2 weeks ago. Then she went on the Vacay the week after (she told me about it before the date). She also didn't arrive here from her vacation until the night before yesterday. So my text (which was the morning of that date) likely got lost in the shuffle. She replied promptly to the date invite text I sent last night.


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## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

I suppose it depends on if you're shy or if you're just quiet. They're easily confused. I think many women consider quiet men attractive, because their mysterious nature can be alluring. Of course, if a loud-mouthed gym rat starts hitting on her too, she'll probably go out with him instead, just because it's easy and he's making himself available. 

Put yourself in their shoes. Say there's a shy girl who's interested in you, but you've never spoken to her because she's too afraid to approach you. Then there's another girl who's interested in you, but she's more outgoing, and she's always coming up to you and acting flirtatious. I bet you'd probably date the one that's talkative, just because you're sure of her attraction towards you, and it's easier that way.


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## The Quiet Girl (Aug 10, 2012)

I prefer shy guys over overly-macho guys. I find them very comfortable to be around and they're usually very interesting and nice people when you talk to each other. He would just also have to be okay with a shy girl.


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## TheRealM (May 8, 2012)

The Quiet Girl said:


> I prefer shy guys over overly-macho guys. I find them very comfortable to be around and they're usually very interesting and nice people when you talk to each other. He would just also have to be okay with a shy girl.


:yes


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## pythonesque (Jun 16, 2012)

To be honest, I feel like I don't even understand this whole business about shyness anymore. For example, is it not possible to be shy _and_ assertive at the same time? What about quiet confidence? Where does that fit in today's society, which views extraversion and outspokenness as signs of strength of personality when they really aren't?


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

I am attracted to attractive shy guys but not attracted to unattractive shy guys. 

If they're attractive and shy it's a HUGE turn on, because it's unexpected and 'mysterious'. You want to know more about them and you want to chase them because they're not showing interest in you.

If they're unattractive and shy it's a HUGE turn off, because you (I) can just find nothing in them that appeals to me.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

The answer is, does he have something else going for him besides shyness? Are you good friends, do you like his personality, did you just see him from across the room and decide that he was cute?

These are all things that matter.


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## achelle92 (Feb 27, 2012)

I actually prefer shy guys over overly-assertive guys.


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