# Have you ever just wanted to die?



## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

No this isn't just some stupid plea for attention... and no it's not just over some guy. It's everything. It's everything. Everything. My whole life. I am just not happy anymore. I don't laugh. I don't even smile. I have no joy in my heart. I have no joy or hope for the future. I have no friends (not even an exaggeration). I have absolutely zero support system whatsoever. I wake up in the mornings, go to work. I'm unhappy at work- I bring everybody down while I'm there. Nobody wants anything to do with me, they all avoid me because I'm down. I come home. I cry. I smoke to numb the pain because it's all I can do. Then I go to sleep if I can, sometimes I don't sleep for days on end. Then I repeat the cycle. On days off, I just stay in bed all day. Sometimes I pace the apartment if my anxiety is kicking in, and if I'm having a really bad depressive PTSD/depressive spell, I'll have a complete mental breakdown and I just cry all day long.

I need somebody to talk to, but there's nobody to go to. I will be at least 30 days before I can get on state insurance, and at that, I don't even have a therapist in the area to go to. The nearest ones are 20 minutes away. I have no car, and no way to get to one. No friends, and no family.

I just want to end it all. I can't take it anymore and the only thing that is stopping me is that fact that I'm scared ****less to die. I just don't want to live anymore. I have nobody to live for, and no reason to live anyway. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of living this life. I am tired of being unloved and unwanted an uncared for I'm tired of being so unhappy and so alone. I'm tried of trying so hard and not being recognized for my efforts and being pushed away and not being good enough.

Everything is just pitch black... there's not light at the end of this tunnel, no walls to reach out to and hold onto to... ho help... no hope... I don't know what to do... 

If anybody out there listened, thank you.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Human Services might be able to refer you to a mental health agency. Maybe you've tried this.

The answer is yes. I'd say that about Christmastime, I was in a really bad way. Anyway, the feeling passed (well the strong feeling). 

Keep poking around here. People will talk.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

sarafinanickelbocker said:


> Human Services might be able to refer you to a mental health agency. Maybe you've tried this.
> 
> The answer is yes. I'd say that about Christmastime, I was in a really bad way. Anyway, the feeling passed (well the strong feeling).
> 
> Keep poking around here. People will talk.


Thank you for reading and listening.

They can refer me, but the therapists are all 20 minutes away with no way for me to get to any of them.

I think it's a sign I'm just not meant to get help and just not meant to live anyway. Maybe I was a bad person in a past life or something and being tortured in this one. Maybe I deserve the punishment and pain I'm receiving. There's no way I'm going to live into old age... no way. One of these days, either on purpose or on accident, I will likely end up taking my own life. That's just how I am. I get too emotional, too caught up in the moment, and living on my own... there's nobody to stop me.


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## Crisigv (Aug 3, 2013)

I know how you feel. I'm just done with this stupid life. There's only a smidge of hope left, but it's fading.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Spyce said:


> Thank you for reading and listening.
> 
> They can refer me, but the therapists are all 20 minutes away with no way for me to get to any of them.
> 
> I think it's a sign I'm just not meant to get help and just not meant to live anyway. Maybe I was a bad person in a past life or something and being tortured in this one. Maybe I deserve the punishment and pain I'm receiving.


Ah, okay you tried. Sorry.

"Maybe I was a bad person in a past life and I'm being tortured in this one." Heh, I've had that exact thought.

Nah, keep talking.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

Crisigv said:


> I know how you feel. I'm just done with this stupid life. There's only a smidge of hope left, but it's fading.


I hate to agree with you, but it's ****, isn't it?


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## Crisigv (Aug 3, 2013)

Spyce said:


> I hate to agree with you, but it's ****, isn't it?


Yes, it's awful.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

sarafinanickelbocker said:


> Ah, okay you tried. Sorry.
> 
> "Maybe I was a bad person in a past life and I'm being tortured in this one." Heh, I've had that exact thought.
> 
> Nah, keep talking.


I like the quote in your signature by the way. I love Steve Martin 

I don't know what happened- everything seemed so great and then... over time things just got worse and worse. I haven't been this depressed in years. In fact, about 4 years ago, I came out of my lifelong battle with mental illness and for the first time in my life I was happy. Truly happy! I had passion, zest, zeal, energy for life!

Then about 7 months ago I lost it all again, and right now... I want to be happy... but I have zero energy to try to get there. It's like I'm dying of thirst, and even if I could see the lake in the distance, I have no energy to crawl there.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

There were several years in my life that I wanted to die. I prayed every night to get a terminal illness. I want to live now but I understand the wanting to die feeling...sucks.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Spyce said:


> I like the quote in your signature by the way. I love Steve Martin
> 
> I don't know what happened- everything seemed so great and then... over time things just got worse and worse. I haven't been this depressed in years. In fact, about 4 years ago, I came out of my lifelong battle with mental illness and for the first time in my life I was happy. Truly happy! I had passion, zest, zeal, energy for life!
> 
> Then about 7 months ago I lost it all again, and right now... I want to be happy... but I have zero energy to try to get there. It's like I'm dying of thirst, and even if I could see the lake in the distance, I have no energy to crawl there.


Haha, yeah he's funny. 

To lose true happiness like that would be very frustrating. Was it your friend? (don't feel obligated to share, if you don't want to) I understand that feeling though. I'm coming out of a deep depression myself, but it is still difficult to muster up energy to actually live.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

Kevin001 said:


> There were several years in my life that I wanted to die. I prayed every night to get a terminal illness. I want to live now but I understand the wanting to die feeling...sucks.


I am sorry- and I am sorry to everybody else who feels or has ever felt this way. It is no way to live or feel.

I understand it too. Or at least, I have what is my own understanding of it. It's generally a lacking of something, and my best bet would be that for most individuals it would be a lacking of love. Unconditional love.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

I'm sorry. I hope you can find a reason to keep going.

Although I'm saying that and I feel the same as you do, so heh.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

sarafinanickelbocker said:


> Haha, yeah he's funny.
> 
> To lose true happiness like that would be very frustrating. Was it your friend? (don't feel obligated to share, if you don't want to) I understand that feeling though. I'm coming out of a deep depression myself, but it is still difficult to muster up energy to actually live.


I am sorry to hear that, but at the same time, I wish you the best on your continued recovery 

Yes... it was an incident with my friend that started it, and in the last couple days our friendship has come to an end, and I don't believe there is any chance of it getting repaired. I don't think he wants that. Now it has just rekindled this whole depression in me.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Thank you Spyce. 

That would do it.  I am sorry about your friend.


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## TonyH (Mar 8, 2015)

Read a book on anxiety and depression. Dr Richard's anxiety book is a real life saver. There is help, you must have the courage to seek it and overcome your barriers. The first step is the scariest. After that you will find it easier and become more courageous to live an awesome life.

I wish you well.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Spyce said:


> I like the quote in your signature by the way. I love Steve Martin
> 
> I don't know what happened- everything seemed so great and then... over time things just got worse and worse. I haven't been this depressed in years. *In fact, about 4 years ago, I came out of my lifelong battle with mental illness and for the first time in my life I was happy. Truly happy! I had passion, zest, zeal, energy for life!*
> 
> T*hen about 7 months ago I lost it all again*, and right now... I want to be happy... but I have zero energy to try to get there. It's like I'm dying of thirst, and even if I could see the lake in the distance, I have no energy to crawl there.


I think the thing to remember is that you can feel better again. I have bad days too - I've never really wanted to die as such, but sometimes when I wake up it feels like it's all just too much and I'd almost rather just stay asleep. (not really, but you probably know what I mean)

Hang around on here for a while and try to talk to a few of the people here - there are a lot of nice ones. Send them a PM or something and don't give up.

Edit: most of us on here are lonely, so you shouldn't be afraid of contacting people.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

Thank you so much everybody for your kindness and understanding


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## aquariusrising (May 19, 2014)

I first asked to die when I was 9 years old. I never want to live. It's just sadness. Every day is the same. I can't even get mental health support. Have no friends or money to my name. I understand how you feel. Life is awful.


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## nonethemore (Oct 18, 2010)

.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

aquariusrising said:


> I first asked to die when I was 9 years old. I never want to live. It's just sadness. Every day is the same. I can't even get mental health support. Have no friends or money to my name. I understand how you feel. Life is awful.





nonethemore said:


> I've felt the same way before as well; i.e. suicidal and severely depressed. I tend to attribute it to a lack of love too; love from others in part, though on a deeper, probably truer sense - a lack of self-love. So oftentimes when we are depressed or feeling down, we don't show enough compassion and understanding to our own selves and, I find it's this very thing, that gradually pushes most over the edge.
> 
> Hopefully you're doing a bit better. Take care.


I am sorry, aquariusrising, you feel this way. I'd like to offer you a hug if I may?  Life is tough, but as I'm working through the last few days, trying to keep positive... I'm learning that the important thing is to keep focused _on_ the positive. It's keeping our minds focused on the the negative that brings us down. So for me, every day, I tell myself something positive. I even wrote an entire blog entry the other day praising myself for how beautiful I am - and **** anybody else who doesn't see it! 

nonethemore, I am feeling much better now, thank you very much  And thank you for your response. I am also sorry you have felt this way, I hope you don't anymore. I absolutely agree with what you said about the lack of self-compassion and self-love. That is the at the very heart of why people so often resort to such drastic thoughts or even actions: they simply do not love themselves. And that is a very sad feeling. I say that not as a judgement, but from experience. I was just there and it is not only sad, but excruciatingly cold and lonely. I'm coming out of that place now in these last few days and I don't ever want to go back.

Thank you to everyone in this thread who took the time to listen and respond  I was in a dark place and had nowhere else to turn, and so I appreciate everyone's kindness  (I feel kinda silly and embarrassed now looking back...)


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## marsia (Mar 22, 2016)

Spyce said:


> (I feel kinda silly and embarrassed now looking back...)


Please don't feel silly. Everyone gets overwhelmed with negative emotions on this site, and we are all here to help each other to get some perspective. I am learning to see if a thought is helpful or not, and drop it if it isn't helpful. Part of learning to love myself is learning to be supportive and helpful to myself, and though that was hard for me at first, it gets easier the more I practice.

So glad to hear you are feeling better!!!


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## Cara Mell (Jun 8, 2016)

*My past and today*

I am older now, and retired. I felt like you when I was young, trying to find out where I was going. Over time, I got a good friend and we did a log of fund things together. I was able to meet other people with her so I carried on. My favorite thing, that helped, was traveling to see some of the state parks--which really gave me peace. Over my life time, I still had ups and downs, but I made it to my older age. 
I hope this helps.


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

marsia said:


> Please don't feel silly. Everyone gets overwhelmed with negative emotions on this site, and we are all here to help each other to get some perspective. I am learning to see if a thought is helpful or not, and drop it if it isn't helpful. Part of learning to love myself is learning to be supportive and helpful to myself, and though that was hard for me at first, it gets easier the more I practice.
> 
> So glad to hear you are feeling better!!!


Thank you very much for your kindness and understanding


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## Spyce (May 19, 2016)

Cara Mell said:


> I am older now, and retired. I felt like you when I was young, trying to find out where I was going. Over time, I got a good friend and we did a log of fund things together. I was able to meet other people with her so I carried on. My favorite thing, that helped, was traveling to see some of the state parks--which really gave me peace. Over my life time, I still had ups and downs, but I made it to my older age.
> I hope this helps.


It does help, thank you  One thing I am learning to do now is focus less on the negative and more on the positive. And I hear a lot of that in your message. Meeting somebody special, somebody you enjoyed spending time with, going to places you enjoyed... that's very important to keep focused on the positive if we want to be and stay happy in life


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## Scorpius14 (Jun 22, 2016)

I judge my ability to get a job and usually compare myself to others who have done well for themselves, this affects my self-esteem which I hate to admit to myself and others or you could say i'm too proud to admit it.

I'll never get to the level of which my younger siblings have succeeded where I failed, it's like i'm setting a benchmark of career progression, and I will be the one to test new things and if I do wrong which is usually the case, they will know to use a different approach, but obviously my mind works in a very different way to theirs.

I have many problems with everyday life including mental health issues, housing arrangements (not yet but will happen soon), inability to do interviews, struggle with socialising, no friends, memory issues but doctors say im clear. Have diabetes which is in general poor control which may contribute to depression, and have also used this in an attempt to self harm.

So yes I have wanted to die on most days but I have small obsessive interests that keep depression at bay, family aren't being supportive, and obviously if I told them I was thinking of ending it all or ended up in hospital for such reasons, they would come and support me and regret that they should have helped. But no one can help me, I am so used to the prospect of one day I will lose my shelter, food, all things I hold dear, which death would no longer be something I feared; at that point I would be at my lowest and wouldn't listen to reason.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

I do the same, when smoking is the only time that I am not "thinking" at least not about all the ****.


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## ScorchedEarth (Jul 12, 2014)

Die? Not particularly, no.

Not exist? Yes, please.


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## swh (May 19, 2015)

When I was gay...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Wavey (Jan 1, 2015)

I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope you can get the support you need. I don't have any words of wisdom as I experience many of the same feelings you do. I do believe there is beauty and enjoyment in aspects of life, it's just hard for many of us to perceive. 

Personally I've never been suicidal but in recent times I get a sense of relief when I think about death. It's not something I obsess over but the fact is I'm severely dissatisfied with where my life is. I live alone, I'm unhappy at my job, people are friendly towards me but I feel like they don't necessarily want to be friends with me. I blame myself mostly for my predicament.

I feel things can change but as time goes on I lose more and more hope that they will


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## Bizarre (Jan 21, 2014)

Unfortunately my life has led me to think of that a few times.


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## Resergence (Mar 7, 2016)

Yup right now I feel this :s


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

Yup many times... I tried to commit suicide once and just landed in the icu.


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## mike91 (Sep 23, 2012)

Yes all the time last few months it gotten worse i think if i manage to make it though this year i will be lucky even if my anxiety and depression will still be a school drop out working crap job getting crap money
Then i will need to try and learn social skills to make friends after been nearly 10 years without even 1 then learn to date but been 25 and never had a girlfriend is seen as bad how do i know i told my sister she should date a guy who she says is nice and is her age but her response was i dont think he even had a girlfriend time to turn the game of life off once i have helped my parents with some things


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## Lonelyfalcon (Apr 28, 2014)

About every other day. I often imagine blowing my brains out with a gun or hanging myself but then I think of my family and imagine my families faces at my funeral. And so I continue to live this piece of **** life until my body or mind faiils on one another.


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## Charlieisnotcool (Jul 10, 2014)

I had a suicide attempt at 14 back when I had depression and even now sometimes I just want to fade. I know it's an horrible feeling .


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