# Do you ever feel possessive of your friends?



## Sierra83 (Sep 24, 2007)

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I am very close to. For some reason I feel threatened when they see other people. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just jealous that they have more friends than I do, or if I'm genuinely afraid they're going to like their other friends more than me...

Maybe if I had more close friends I wouldn't feel this way... but I don't know. The guy who I would consider to be my closest friend (well, friend with benefits) is an all-around amazing person, and I would be absolutely devastated if I ever lost him as a friend.

I just wish I got along with more people... Usually I know right away if I'm going to hit it off with someone... The people I tend to like best are so comfortable with themselves it allows me to feel more at ease with myself too, my anxiety tends to dissolve around these people and I come out of my shell. But they seem so few & far in between... Does anyone else feel this way?


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## starblob (Oct 23, 2005)

w


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## jaayhou (Jun 20, 2007)

Yes, I used to be clingy around my friends in junior high, which decreased as I went through high school because I recognized this was undesirable behavior. I've now gone so far the other direction that I now distance myself from people I don't know well, as well as my friends in attempt to be less possessive (I guess). It helps to have a girlfriend that is the same way, so we can be possessive of each other. I'm not sure yet if this is healthy.


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## Andrew White (Aug 18, 2007)

I did feel this way but it didn't take long for me to realise my friend wasn't going to give up on me or move on. His life has changed quite a bit and he has met billions of other people and made lots of new good friends but we are still as close as ever. I suppose if he had drifted off then he wouldn't have been the friend I thought he was.

Even if things hadn't worked out that way, the feeling of jealousy is something you must work on getting rid of. It's nasty and destructive. Whenever you notice it in yourself, try to stop doing it immediately and see it for how unreasonable it is.


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## leppardess (Nov 8, 2003)

Sierra83 said:


> I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I am very close to. For some reason I feel threatened when they see other people. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just jealous that they have more friends than I do, or if I'm genuinely afraid they're going to like their other friends more than me...


Yeah, I can relate to that. The best example that I can think of was back when I was in New Mexico. My best g/f lived nearby and we'd spend just about every day together. Then, a new couple moved in across the street from her and she started spending time with her when she normally spent time with me. At first, I was okay with this but after a while, I became uneasy that she liked this new lady more than me.

Yes, I was jealous and I really had no real reason to be. After talking with my g/f (and meeting the new lady), I realized that she liked me just as much as she always had but that she had other things in common with the new lady that she didn't have with me. Adding to that, I found that I had things in common with the new lady too so I ended up making a new friend in the process.

Even with this new knowledge, I was never quite sure where I stood within this new triangle of friendship. That said, I tried very hard to take it all at face value, accepting their friendship equally and not questioning too closely as to where I stood in all that but it was hard. I realized that the bigger deal I made of it, the weirder I'd come off and that might possibly cause them to fade from me even more than what I was already imagining.

A few years later, I ended up having to move out of state (family crisis) and I lost touch with her but I learned a valuable lesson about all this. If someone's your friend and they have other friends in addition to you, they still like you just as much as the other friends. When I relax and take it at face value, it all works out in the end.


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## Nutnutnut (Jun 2, 2007)

A friend with benefits? 

I'm also possessive of my friends, but that's because I never had a lot of them. If I had lots of friends, it wouldn't bother me.


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## katelyn (Jul 11, 2006)

When I had a close friend I used to feel possessive of them. I'd feel jealous if they wanted to spend time with someone else. But it wasn't just me - at least two of those friends also got jealous when I talked to other people, so I think that feeling can be quite common at a certain age. After I finished school I stopped having any close friends, though.


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## wootmehver (Oct 18, 2007)

I got possessive of a friend once virtually overnight after years of being a nonpossessive friend and it was like "Wow, where did this come from?" I suddenly got very jealous of my friend's other friends (people who did more stuff with my friend than I did and who weren't handicapped by SAS like me). Thankfully, the possessive feelings slowly dissolved over time and the friendship "normalized" (but it still feels a bit damaged to this day). It made me realize how creepy you can get without realizing it. It was like temporary insanity, like I was feeling very emotionally needy at the time and subconsciously decided that my friend was going to fill that need by becoming my "super friend." It wasn't a conscious decision on my part at all.


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Yes actually. I seem to have a 1-1 friendship mindest, and I'd feel possesive if new friends entered the picture. I never acted on it though.


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## nanobyte (Oct 12, 2007)

> Does anyone else feel this way?


Yes. I always become jealous when my friends spend time with others... since it seems to be quite challenging to make new friends when you're suffering SAD, you hold on to whatever little you have!


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## coriander1992 (Aug 19, 2007)

I'm extremely possesive of my best friend, and her of me.
She doesen't have SA though.
We are just very close because we are so alike I suppose.


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## sab_07 (Oct 15, 2007)

In high school when I had a best friend I was always very possessive of her. It killed me everytime she starting hanging out with someone else and I resented her for having other friends. I always felt like I had to compete with her other friends. Then I started pushing her away because it's just easier to not deal with relationships, though it doesn't make me happier.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Friends? What's that? :fall


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## roya (Nov 12, 2005)

i guess that if i had friends, i would have been possessive. it looks like i will never know.


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## TreeFrog (Oct 17, 2007)

I do know what you mean. It's so hard for us to connect with people, that when we do -that connection/relationship means more to us than non-SA types who find it easier to form friendships. 

But, as others have said: the needier and clingier you are, the harder is is on the friendship. Cultivating more friendships ourselves (OK, I know this is HARD) would be one way to help with this.


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## Sierra83 (Sep 24, 2007)

I try not to be outwardly needy... most of those feelings I keep to myself. But they still eat at me a little.


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## lilly (Mar 22, 2006)

I don't have many friends now since I left the workforce but one I kept since college is one who I'd call my "best friend". She is making friends everywhere she goes so I got kind of left behind in a way quite often over the years as I just wanted to have close friends while they wanted to make as many friends as possible. She is still my best friend but she lives very far away and I feel we only keep contact on the phone occasionally now.


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## TreeFrog (Oct 17, 2007)

Sierra83 said:


> I try not to be outwardly needy... most of those feelings I keep to myself. But they still eat at me a little.


Yea, I keep these things to myself as well, so as not to appear pathetic.

Here's a situation of mine that is a little different because it involves a "group" of people that hang around together and more of a feeling of rejection than jealousy. I'll share it anyway.

I have been brought into this group's activiities over the years by being good friends with two people who have been part of the group. (The group revolves around a certain couple and their friends). I have often done things with this group without those friends-when they couldn't come. I guess I thought that I would have become part of the group and maybe separately invited to activities at some point, but this has never transpired. I still have to run into people in this group occasionally, e.g. we watch the same softball team.

Anyway, over the years I have come to resent this group, because I feel rejected by them. Like they don't think I'm funny enough, intelligent enough, witty enough, entertaining enough, to hang out with them. Which I guess could be the case (not the intelligent part) because, having SA, I am often a quiet observer. When I see one of them, they are usu. friendly with "How are you?" but I just want to tell them to ---------. (you know what I mean).

Seeing one of them just reinforces the sense of rejection and my sense of unworthiness and I hate feeling that way.


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## MajesticVisions (Nov 2, 2007)

I remember feeling this way about a best friend of mine way back when I was like 5 years old. I would get jealous that she would want to spend time with other people. These days I don't have any friends to speak of, except my husband. There are moments that I do get a little jealous he likes to spend so much time with his friends, but I figure as long as it's other guys and not girls, I can handle it.


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## Clari Net (May 9, 2011)

So, im starting to belive im really possesive. At first i thought that jealousy was a bit ok in a friendship but um its gotten worse. I have this bestfreind who is awsome. Lately I've been getting jealous whenever she talks to other people and not me. But I dont get jealous everytime, it goes off and on. ANd then i'll ignore her. And she'll get mad cause I'll be ignoring her and I wont tell her why. Honestly im embarrased. I alreadly know im a bit clingy and I told her that. She said she was ok with it but...I dunno. I avoided her today to rack out my thoughts. I think i need help but idk what to do. my self esteem is friggin TERRIBLE. And she's better than me in every single way so maybe I that has something to do with it.... -sigh-


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

When I was younger I was a bit possessive of my friends. But I think I was this way because there were many times when some new person came along and took that person away. It always sucked when that person I was so close to acted like I didn't exist anymore. I think girls in general always seem to choose that one best friend and are possessive over that person. Now that I don't have that many close friends anymore, I don't have to worry about this. Actually no, what happened was that I grew up and learned that there was no need to target only a single person as a friend and that there were other people to hang around for the time being.


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## littlepickles (Apr 29, 2011)

I'm not possesive, but I am very protective. I don't care when they see other people but when someone is trying to hurt them, I get very defensive of them. For example - I got into a pretty heated fight with my moms bf when he had been drinking one night because I saw him put his hands on her. I also kicked my dad in his crotch and pushed him for the same reason. I've never gotten into any psychical fights over one of my friends, but I will defend them.


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## memoria (Apr 19, 2010)

wish I had friends... but I guess if I did I would feel kind of threatened if they saw others.


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## chromian81 (Sep 14, 2011)

I do sometimes. I mentioned in another post that one of my friends recently got engaged. NO I am NOT INTERESTED IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, (in case anyone was thinking that.) But when she was dating a different guy, she had no time for me in her life. Now that she's engaged to someone else, I see myself no longer being a part of her circle. 

THis has happened before. In High school, I had a best friend, whom I used to call all the time, and talk to regularly. She got involved with this guy, who was a total loser, (cut class, smoked, shoplifted often.) She spent more time with him that she did with me. Soon, she disappeared from school all together. Months later, she returned for a visit, and gave me her new address. She promised she was going to show up the next day, but she never did. I wrote to her. She wrote back once. After a while I gave up. 
We saw each other again, a couple of years later, but now she married said loser, and they had a kid together. She gave me her phone number and encouraged me to call her. Whenever I did, she'd tell me she didn't have time to talk. We eventually drifted apart. She left the guy, (they are still married btw) and moved up north. (Postscript, the loser she's married to is now a registered sex offender.) 

Now I am afraid of having anyone close to me, because I'm afraid this will happen again. I will always be pushed aside.


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## Lets Beat Social Anxiety (Jul 12, 2010)

Feeling possessive of your friends comes from a scarcity mindset about friendship opportunities. You believe that friends are very hard to come by, so you act accordingly and do whatever you can to hold onto the ones you've got. 

The thing is, there's 7 billion of us on this planet now. There are more people who are compatible with you than you can imagine. Millions probably. Perhaps you don't currently give yourself the opportunities to meet them. Perhaps your SA stops you from putting yourself in positions to meet new peeps. If that's the case, then you've successfully identified the hurdle you need to jump, to move your life to the next level.


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## manoj425 (Dec 15, 2012)

*Thanks Henri*

Thanks a lot henry i am relived after reading this.... thanks again



Lets Beat Social Anxiety said:


> Feeling possessive of your friends comes from a scarcity mindset about friendship opportunities. You believe that friends are very hard to come by, so you act accordingly and do whatever you can to hold onto the ones you've got.
> 
> The thing is, there's 7 billion of us on this planet now. There are more people who are compatible with you than you can imagine. Millions probably. Perhaps you don't currently give yourself the opportunities to meet them. Perhaps your SA stops you from putting yourself in positions to meet new peeps. If that's the case, then you've successfully identified the hurdle you need to jump, to move your life to the next level.


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

Yes. Especially female friends...even if there is no romantic attachment. I don't know why. It's probably because I feel more comfortable expressing my feelings, etc. with females. When they are out socializing with other people and I can't join in, it makes me feel abandoned.

I really am starting to realize how my social anxiety affects my romantic relationships. My next relationship I am in, I think I might inform them early on of my condition. I think I get that close, emotional attachment to somebody and I am so afraid to lose that, not knowing when I will get the opportunity to have that again, that I become the 'clingy' boyfriend that nobody likes. It is hard for me, I don't even realize I do it at the time, but when I look back after the relationship has ended, I understand. Then I go make the same mistakes time and time again. Hopefully someday I can meet somebody who I can tell about my condition and they can understand why it causes me to act certain ways and just appreciate the fact that I am TRYING to deal with my issues.


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## BLL (Jul 19, 2013)

Sierra83 said:


> I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I am very close to. For some reason I feel threatened when they see other people. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just jealous that they have more friends than I do, or if I'm genuinely afraid they're going to like their other friends more than me...
> 
> Maybe if I had more close friends I wouldn't feel this way... but I don't know. The guy who I would consider to be my closest friend (well, friend with benefits) is an all-around amazing person, and I would be absolutely devastated if I ever lost him as a friend.
> 
> I just wish I got along with more people... Usually I know right away if I'm going to hit it off with someone... The people I tend to like best are so comfortable with themselves it allows me to feel more at ease with myself too, my anxiety tends to dissolve around these people and I come out of my shell. But they seem so few & far in between... Does anyone else feel this way?


i feel exacly the same way i feel poessive of people and i dont like my friends to make other friends and when they do i get jealous and i thought i was the only one and i havent told anyone because i thought i was weird and i find it hard making friends :/


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## Mybravenewworld (May 10, 2018)

Usually, I'm up for introducing my friends to each other, but I absolutely abstain from introducing my other friends to those particular two toxic friends. I know I shouldn't, but it's just that I introduced these two to each other and instantly, I felt replaced. I remember they would make me feel left out in each other's company, but would be absolutely *****es when I tried to leave their company. Hell I even had to put up with the **** they talked about each other. I think that's why I don't like introducing my other friends to them, because I'm afraid of being replaced. I don't care about about those particular two much now. They've been apologizing for their behaviors and making promises, but I know that if the 3 of us meet up again, it's going to be just like before.


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## PandaBearx (May 26, 2013)

Mm I don’t like the word possessive. Insecure sometimes? yeah. Protective, damn straight. But I’m aware that I don’t have a reason to be jealous/uneasy and that the attention my friends give others has little to do with how they feel about me. They have every right to make their friend group larger & if they’re happy I am.


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## appledapple (Mar 27, 2018)

i am pretty possessive with my friends, especially last year, but i've realized that it's just smothering them and they don't like that, so i'm trying to cut it out before they've had enough


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## TSpes (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes all the time. Everytime they leave for someone else I feel depressed and abandoned. I know normal people are meant to have more than 1 friend, but I still feel like they hate me and left me forever. Makes it even harder to make friends


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## appledapple (Mar 27, 2018)

same though @TSpes I used to always feel that way, and i still feel it often. maybe i could be your second friend? we could talk when our friends aren't around so we won't be as lonely.


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