# Anyone else have trouble showing affection?



## SardonicSmile

I'm not sure if this is directly related to SA, but I've always had trouble showing affection. Not just affection, but.. even admitting that I like a person. Examples..


It's difficult to tell close friends or family "I love you too!". ("I, uh.. you too.")
It's difficult to hang out with a friend or family member 1-on-1, or to ask a single person to hang out with me. It's always much easier to use the words "hang out with you guys" instead of "hang out with you". It's like I don't want to admit that I like them enough to do so.
It's difficult to compliment people (on appearance, a skill they may have, etc..)
I feel like this is related also: I never stay at a friend's house for more than a few hours. After a few hours I almost feel like I'm disgusted with my friends (for no reason) and would rather be alone.
It seems like SA, except these are people that I am very comfortable with. I have little to no anxiety when I'm around these people. I suppose it just looks like I have a hard time letting people in.


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## hope76

i have A LOT of difficulty showing affection. i can't tell family members that i love them. i can't hug anyone. when my friends say they care about me and stuff i can't say the same things back. i am just really uncomfortable showing affection. and i definitely cannot admit when i am interested in a guy. it is so hard for me to do.

i think it is because showing affection makes me feel extremely vulnerable. and i don't like feeling vulnerable because it means that you can be hurt easily. when you show affection you are putting your emotions in the hands of others and they can do whatever they want with them. they can reject them, for example, and make you feel bad.

i also used to find it hard to complement people as well. but lately i have been trying to change that, and now it is really easy to complement others. i say nice things to my friends all the time like "nice shirt" or "i like your hair". but, unfortunately, it is still really hard to accept a complement.


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## SardonicSmile

hope76 said:


> they can reject them, for example, and make you feel bad.


This definitely makes sense to me, my biggest fear is probably rejection/being laughed at.


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## hope76

SardonicSmile said:


> This definitely makes sense to me, my biggest fear is probably rejection/being laughed at.


definitely. i know exactly what you mean.


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## this portrait

Absolutely. I'm pretty sure my lack of showing affection had a role in tearing my relationship apart. It might also be why I have trouble keeping friends. As for my family, well, they never seem to expect any of that from me. They never showed too much of it to me, so I guess that's why I have trouble expressing it.


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## 266x

Now that I think about it, I kind of do too. With my ex, I could not show much affection. I always attributed it to not being in love with her, which I still suspect to be part of the reason, but I think maybe SA has something to do with it too because I don't care all that much for 1-1 time with family.


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## Owl Eyes

SardonicSmile said:


> I'm not sure if this is directly related to SA, but I've always had trouble showing affection. Not just affection, but.. even admitting that I like a person. Examples..
> 
> 
> It's difficult to tell close friends or family "I love you too!". ("I, uh.. you too.")
> It's difficult to hang out with a friend or family member 1-on-1, or to ask a single person to hang out with me. It's always much easier to use the words "hang out with you guys" instead of "hang out with you". It's like I don't want to admit that I like them enough to do so.
> It's difficult to compliment people (on appearance, a skill they may have, etc..)
> I feel like this is related also: I never stay at a friend's house for more than a few hours. After a few hours I almost feel like I'm disgusted with my friends (for no reason) and would rather be alone.
> It seems like SA, except these are people that I am very comfortable with. I have little to no anxiety when I'm around these people. I suppose it just looks like I have a hard time letting people in.


This is exactly what I am like. I wish I could learn to show affection, or be able to express my feelings.


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## Kon

SardonicSmile said:


> It's difficult to tell close friends or family "I love you too!". ("I, uh.. you too.")
> 
> It's difficult to hang out with a friend or family member 1-on-1, or to ask a single person to hang out with me. It's always much easier to use the words "hang out with you guys" instead of "hang out with you". It's like I don't want to admit that I like them enough to do so.
> It's difficult to compliment people (on appearance, a skill they may have, etc..)
> I feel like this is related also: I never stay at a friend's house for more than a few hours. After a few hours I almost feel like I'm disgusted with my friends (for no reason) and would rather be alone.
> It seems like SA, except these are people that I am very comfortable with. I have little to no anxiety when I'm around these people. I suppose it just looks like I have a hard time letting people in.


I can relate. I think it's either 1 of the two or a combination of the two?
You feel that showing emotions is too "feminine" and you're embarassed that your masculanity will be compromised in some way or other people will think you're a whimp/wuss
You hate that feeling of being engulfed by emotions with other people (friends, family or otherwise) and feel almost "raped"/icky by it like it's a violation of your personal/emotional space or boundary.


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## kilgoretrout

I feel uncomfortable showing affection in any form - it feels weird hugging my own parents and saying "I love you" or "I love you, too" to someone. I also can't sit in a room alone with another family member... to alleviate the perceived awkwardness, I start asking stupid questions and regret it immediately. I can't compliment people either.


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## t89greg

Yeah I'm like that. I never show affection and I find it really hard to show my emotions. Like if somebody tells me some good news I'm happy for them inside but I find it sooo hard to express it. 

I can't even explain why I'm like this. I've just been like it for so many years it's just natural.


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## Lanter

I can't do it either. But strangely, I don't really feel affection to people easily. I don't think there is anyone in my live right now I could generally say I love. I only felt that once, and it took me quite some time to feel that. But once I legitimately felt it, it wasn't as hard to show. Could it be that you just don't feel much affection for these people?

I don't find giving compliments hard, at least not if they are based on skill or appearance. However telling someone 'I really think you are a great friend' or whatever, that just won't happen. I am awful at taking compliments of any sort though.


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## elivshin

Hello!
I'm new here, just joined after reading this thread. I'm a mom of a beautiful 5 yo boy, who doesn't display his affection, despite the fact that he is being showered with it. He is shy and seems to have social anxiety, (too young to be diagnosed, but very noticeable to me
I'm just starting my quest, and was wandering if you have had any advise, on how to help my baby boy to feel less anxious. (We parent in a loving, non-violent, respectful way, without punishments or threats. He knows, at least in his head, that he is very, very loved. He started displaying social anxiety at age 2. Been anxious baby from birth.) 
Any advise or sharing is appreciated.


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## AwkwardBlackGirl

hope76 said:


> i have A LOT of difficulty showing affection. i can't tell family members that i love them. i can't hug anyone. when my friends say they care about me and stuff i can't say the same things back. i am just really uncomfortable showing affection. and i definitely cannot admit when i am interested in a guy. it is so hard for me to do.
> 
> i think it is because showing affection makes me feel extremely vulnerable. and i don't like feeling vulnerable because it means that you can be hurt easily. when you show affection you are putting your emotions in the hands of others and they can do whatever they want with them. they can reject them, for example, and make you feel bad.
> 
> i also used to find it hard to complement people as well. but lately i have been trying to change that, and now it is really easy to complement others. i say nice things to my friends all the time like "nice shirt" or "i like your hair". but, unfortunately, it is still really hard to accept a complement.


I find it really hard to show affection, and to talk about my feelings too, because it makes me feel vulnerable.


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## chicagochuck

Yes definitely a problem. I have been confronted many times by women about this issue. Its definitely something you have to nip in the bud if your ever going to have a long relationship with a woman/ with men I'm sure its similar.


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## WastedTime

Do you think it could be because you aren't your true self around these people, you are holding something back, you feel like those people don't properly "get you"/understand you, and therefore why would you want to show affection to them?

I only ask because I realized that was the reason I used to have a lot of trouble showing affection and being intimate (not sexually) with people. I felt like a stranger when I was in the company of others and was always afraid to show my true self. You say you don't have SA around these people but maybe you are still holding something back about yourself?

I think it is harder if your friends aren't really the right people for you and you have low self-esteem, as you may start acting in a different way or mimicking the way they are acting in an effort to make them life you. I noticed this when I used to hang around with various different cliques who I couldn't relate to socially or personally. Instead of starting off acting like myself, making them like me for who I really was, and then maybe gradually taking on a few of the clique behaviors; I would start off by copying the way they acted and then feeling really disconnected later when they treated me like someone I wasn't. I think the reason I acted like a chameleon was because my BDD and SA meant I had little social experience and I didn't realise that people could actually like me if I acted like myself. It's normal to act a bit less negative and a bit happier/hyper when you're in the presence of others, but you shouldn't be having to put loads of effort in to completely change who you fundamentally are.


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## nothing else

maybe, sort of, kinda, not sure


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## Nathan18

Always have. I can't remember the last time I said, "I love you" to any of my family. Even, "I'll miss you" or something along those lines is also difficult. I have no idea why I'm this way. Showing affection and telling people my real feelings is just too difficult.


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## RenegadeReloaded

AwkwardBlackGirl said:


> I find it really hard to show affection, and to talk about my feelings too, because it makes me feel vulnerable.


that is the word, vulnerable

it's like letting go of your guard and feeling all exposed with no defense

this is the reason why i find it very hard to show affection


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## Senpai

This thread is old...
I have difficulty showing affection too. I don't like telling my parents I love them, don't really like hugs, I've never told a guy that I like him anywhere but over text/internet.


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## xgodmetashogun

yea I have a tough time doing this,I don't come off as a good guy.


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## dal user

I've never shown any affection

I find it quite difficult to get upset. The only time I show any sympathy is when someone passes away or when someone is suffering. Other than that I dont give a **** for peoples minor petty problems.


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## Crimson Lotus

I have been often referred to as a robot.


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## LoungeFly

Im usually ok with family, and im affectionate with kids, but find it very difficult to be around other adults i don't know


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## InDeathIsLife

I used to be so much more affectionate since i've had it rough my entire life. I felt like treating others the way i'd like to be treated. But in the end, people took advantage of it and drained me for much of what they could get of me. 

Now i'm a bitter ******* who don't give much a **** about people in general. I despise my brother, i was alright with my sister and lately i felt like not wanting to talk to her anymore. I love my mom but i feel no connection with her and i can't show her how i love her. If i had a million, i'd give 3/4 of it to her.


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## Hermiter

yep


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## goosebump

I've been reading books on adult attachment styles and the issue you presented sounds like a person with dismissive avoidant style.

*Dismissive Avoidant Attachment* - People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel "pseudo-independent," taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.

Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, "I don't care."


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## Scores

I definitely can relate to you!
I always feel awkward to step forward first and compliment people and say affection things to guys etc.
I think it's the fear of looking like an idiot. What if it comes out wrong? Will it be portrayed right? What would there reaction be like? and I don't feel/think that I am an affectionate person.

Recently I feel like i'm overcoming this, merely by speaking quicker and not overthinking things too much before I speak or act. This way what I need to say/show is said in the right tone and comes out more naturally.

And this has really worked out for me. I'm literally living by the moto 'the first reaction, is usually the correct one.'


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## sarafinanickelbocker

SardonicSmile said:


> I'm not sure if this is directly related to SA, but I've always had trouble showing affection. Not just affection, but.. even admitting that I like a person. Examples..
> 
> 
> It's difficult to tell close friends or family "I love you too!". ("I, uh.. you too.")
> It's difficult to hang out with a friend or family member 1-on-1, or to ask a single person to hang out with me. It's always much easier to use the words "hang out with you guys" instead of "hang out with you". It's like I don't want to admit that I like them enough to do so.
> It's difficult to compliment people (on appearance, a skill they may have, etc..)
> I feel like this is related also: I never stay at a friend's house for more than a few hours. After a few hours I almost feel like I'm disgusted with my friends (for no reason) and would rather be alone.
> It seems like SA, except these are people that I am very comfortable with. I have little to no anxiety when I'm around these people. I suppose it just looks like I have a hard time letting people in.


Yep, gotta look 100% like a stone cold ya know. Don't know why. It's stupid.


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## LolaViola

Yes, very much so. I don't know why it's so difficult for me.


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## ZADY

YES I thought i was the only one. You exactly just described me. I have not said 'i love you' to anyone. I don't even feel the love. Just basically everything that you said. My brother was going away for 2 years and he asked my mom that why am i not showing any emotion. I just can't show or say it for some reason. But i don't know why I'm like this.


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## EnigmaticKid

Back in high school people used to joke that i am emotionless.


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## oneofmany

elivshin said:


> Hello!
> I'm new here, just joined after reading this thread. I'm a mom of a beautiful 5 yo boy, who doesn't display his affection, despite the fact that he is being showered with it. He is shy and seems to have social anxiety, (too young to be diagnosed, but very noticeable to me
> I'm just starting my quest, and was wandering if you have had any advise, on how to help my baby boy to feel less anxious. (We parent in a loving, non-violent, respectful way, without punishments or threats. He knows, at least in his head, that he is very, very loved. He started displaying social anxiety at age 2. Been anxious baby from birth.)
> Any advise or sharing is appreciated.


I don't know enough about SA to be giving advise, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, is that if its SA, and you've identified the problem already at age 5, if you can get him some good treatment he should have a good chance of getting over it. They say get help, and the earlier the better. Maybe you could help him break the cycle before it digs in to far.


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## RobAlister

I'm that way around family but only because my family is so dysfunctional and affectionate themselves. Sometimes my mom and sisters tease me about "hating the family" but it's not like they've given me much incentive not to.


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## mind0vermatter

Yeah I can relate to the hurrying up so I can leave part. I never used to stay more than a few hours no matter how late it got I had to leave because I felt uneasy.


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## Nathan18

EnigmaticKid said:


> Back in high school people used to joke that i am emotionless.


Same here. I also got called a robot by someone at work because I don't show much emotion. I didn't mind that.


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## masterridley

Showing your feelings makes you vulnerable.
But without that vulnerability, there's no way you can make friends.
Catch-22 for SAers


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## inerameia

Yes. I'm a cold person.


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