# Is anyone else the black sheep of their family?



## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

I'm definitely the black sheep of my family, in just about every way. I just do not fit in. At all.

My family is very conservative. My parents, siblings, and extended family on both sides with the exception of a couple of cousins are politically very conservative and are all Trump supporters to varying degrees. I am, on the other hand, generally liberal or left-libertarian. I wouldn't call myself a Democrat and usually don't vote, and don't call myself a progressive or anything. I don't like labels. I hate labels lol. And I would have a hard time joining any group or social movement or calling myself an adherent to any specific ideology. But I definitely lean to the left on most issues, including most social issues, many economic issues and the way I interpret socio-political events generally. So I do not see eye to eye with my family on many political issues which is a point of contention.

Additionally most of my family is generally very closed minded otherwise. They feel like people should all live the same way, according to certain precepts. They don't understand and don't want to understand alternative lifestyles. Even if they are just slightly different culturally. Everyone should go to college, climb the corporate ladder, buy a house, have 2 kids and a dog, retire, die, ascend to heaven. They don't understand why anyone would want to live a lifestyle that deviates from this formula at all. I on the other hand completely understand that no two people are the same and there are a million different ways one can live out their life. It doesn't need to be formulaic. There is no right way. There is only your way. What is right for you isn't necessarily right for someone else. But they don't seem to agree with or understand that ethic. 

They also have a hard time with free expression. A lot of the media I like including movies and music they probably think should be banned lol. They're constantly complaining about what's allowed to be expressed in public and what people are allowed to wear in public and what's discussed in public schools. They can't stand cursing in any context. Conversely I'm a huge supporter of free expression. I don't think anything is off limits. The more and the weirder the better, as far as I'm concerned. 

So anyway sorry for the tl;dr I didn't intend to go off like that but can anyone relate to feeling this way? Knowing that you are an outsider in your family for whatever reason and will never ever really fit in?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I don't even understand what a black sheep is. I'm assuming from the other replies that it it's a status that is not really a choice so it's pretty stupid that society looks down on it as if their scorn will change the unchangeable.


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## zonebox (Oct 22, 2012)

You appear to be more like the guiding light of your family, than a black sheep. I think I would appear much like yourself in your family, and consider myself lucky not to have been placed in your predicament - I'm sorry that you are there.


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## Tetragammon (Jun 2, 2015)

Yes, I'm definitely a black sheep in a family comprised almost entirely of ultra-conservatives. Your family sounds similar to mine.

But you know, I think black sheep are important. Diversity is extremely important -- especially for the kinds of people who oppose it. Many in my family don't accept diversity as a good thing; they believe that their way is the only "good" or "right" way and dismiss everyone else as 'wayward' or 'imperfect.' It's a common theme throughout human history: we reject those who differ from us. But why? Just look at nature: chock full of incredible diversity. If we were all the same then the world would be an incredibly boring place.

So while I never feel like I belong in my family, I also like being a black sheep. I like reminding them that alternative lifestyles exist -- and that that's okay. I like being a walking, talking reminder that not everyone blindly follows their silly religion or toes their party line.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

No I wouldn't say so though I'm certainly considered weird, but my whole family is kind of weird, sometimes diagnosed sometimes not, varying degrees of dysfunction both me and my brother are very dysfunctional. I have a cousin with diagnosed schizophrenia (I don't really know him though I hung out with him once when I was about 9-11 don't remember the exact age. From what I remember he upset my brother. He was diagnosed after he almost stabbed his sister during a delusional episode.) I think some of my more normal extended family members probably think I'm weird but I rarely see them now.

My dad is pretty conservative, and tbh racist. I used to debate with him a lot as a teenager but these days I don't have the energy for it it's very hard to because of his personality more than anything. My mum absolutely refuses to talk about politics or who she votes for or anything if you ask her she has a really strong emotional reaction that is negative. That's a hard no and she also dislikes discussing religion. I'm sure part of that must have been my dad.

I think he's literally homophobic in the sense of it making him uncomfortable. I've spoken about this many times on this forum but as a teenager one time he'd been drinking and he told me and my brother that he wouldn't disown us if we turned out to be gay but he would prefer we not be. Then later one time I was watching Jennifer's Body the film on TV and he walked in during the scene where the two main characters are making out on the bed and he expressed disgust 'I was like what? [exasperated]' and he just said 'they're both female' as though it's an explanation. He's also made comments about gay men many times that are kind of insulting and described one of my ex's as feminine (he wasn't,) in a sort of negative way once.

But I don't think he's actively interested in stopping people living the life they want in regards to that it's more like he's just expressing his personal reaction. I'm sure if I came out to him as non-binary he would take it poorly though since I'm his kid. I don't label my sexuality though he knows I'm not conventionally straight, and has actually questioned if I'm asexual before after watching a soap opera episode.

But when it comes to race and culture (like he's very nationalistic and has become moreso with age 'don't like the UK **** off') he gets very annoyed, he also gets very annoyed by his political opponents. Like he hates Extinction Rebellion and BLM, and since he expresses his strong emotional feelings aggressively and with violent language he'll talk about wanting to kill protestors etc. He's not actually a physically violent person (fairly sure he's gotten into fights before and people have also attacked him but as a pattern of behaviour,) that's just how he vents 'everything is annoying me if I was president I'd just drop a bomb on x group of people.' Yeah well thankfully you never will be lol. Passively mentioning a desire for genocide too. Neither me or my brother share his political beliefs lol.

He doesn't hate me or my brother and loves us a lot but he also gets very angry in regards to political stuff. My brother actually argues with him more now so we've kind of flipped throughout the years. So yeah to maintain our relationship at all I have to be the one asserting boundaries as he won't, which is hilarious because I'm very emotional and political usually.

Many on the right in the UK are fans of Trump but my dad wasn't really he said 'I don't really like his rhetoric' (I think also because he's so nationalistic Trump isn't British you know.) He's not an antivaxxer either since that's so politicised, but most people in the UK aren't. I don't think that's a coincidence either I think it's because we have the NHS.

I don't know much about my extended family's political opinions and never really have. I was close with them when I was younger but I don't talk to them much now and as an adult I've only seen them at funerals or rarely Christmas. My mum's family are Catholic but they're not trying to force it on people. I keep thinking about how all these obnoxious Christians online who are usually Trump supporters these days are always hating on Catholicism 'it's not real Christianity you're going to hell' and then I think of my mum's family who aren't obnoxious and I'm like 'hmmmmm' but I know there are lots of obnoxious Catholics too lol.

Aside from my mum who went to uni late in life, and my brother who dropped out after a year I'm the only person in my extended family who went to uni and graduated from university so that was never really expected from my family. They put me into some group in school that was for 'kids who are unlikely to go to uni based on postcode/family background etc' (it wasn't called that of course lol.) I actually wouldn't suggest it to most people now it's fun to learn, it's a better academic environment then school ime, and it's a great social experience but it's just not worth 9k a year (and that's just tuition fees not including general living costs,) under no circumstances and it will rarely help you find decent work.


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## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

Thanks all for your replies - and I didn't really mean this as a political thread, it's just what I came to mind when thinking about this. I think I'm also the black sheep in other ways as well. Interests, hobbies, personality type, religious views, even views on what constitutes a good diet. I'm just completely different. Sometimes its hard to feel like such an outsider but other times I'm glad I am so independent.


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## either/or (Apr 27, 2020)

WillYouStopDave said:


> I don't even understand what a black sheep is. I'm assuming from the other replies that it it's a status that is not really a choice so it's pretty stupid that society looks down on it as if their scorn will change the unchangeable.


It's just like you don't belong within the group, you stick out as someone who is different and it's really evident. You will always be seen as different, as an anomaly, and usually not in a positive way.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

either/or said:


> It's just like you don't belong within the group, you stick out as someone who is different and it's really evident. You will always be seen as different, as an anomaly, and usually not in a positive way.


 Yeah. I know what people mean when they say "black sheep". I just don't really see the point of the term because people don't/can't choose to not be born. And if you're born, you also obviously cannot choose your family or your personality or basically anything else that's gonna get you slapped with a label that essentially disparages everything about you that is not something you can control. It's just a leftover from the animal nature of primitive humanity. I think the basic human is a lot meaner than most people would like to admit.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

_Yes. My mom have always try hard to push that narrative for as long as I remember (even with extended family & her friends), in order to seek pity from others. I've been often told by a few relatives that I'm not a black sheep. Although I feel like they are just being nice. She tells everyone that I contribute nothing to society and that I've been addicted and abused hard drugs. I've been working 2-3 jobs the past several years and finally in my field of interest. I've never touched any hard drugs in my life, but I did experimented with some party drugs time to time when I was much younger. But I've drastically distanced myself from majority of my family & extended family for this reason. They do the same to me based on the lies. The lies she gives others for pity seeking. But there's really nothing I can do about it. 🤷‍♀️ It does get lonely & sad though. _


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## Fever Dream (Aug 18, 2015)

BAAAHH!


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)




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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)




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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Blue Dino said:


> _Yes. My mom have always try hard to push that narrative for as long as I remember (even with extended family & her friends), in order to seek pity from others. *I've been often told by a few relatives that I'm not a black sheep. Although I feel like they are just being nice.* _


I guess the thing to remember about this kind of thing is that if anyone on this planet should be in your corner, it's the person who gave birth to you. So she should refrain from such harsh criticism and nitpicking even if it is only to be nice and diplomatic. So maybe the others you mentioned are just being nice but at least they're trying to not be mean.

My mother is the same. Though she doesn't really have a lot of friends and family but heaven knows what she's told the ones she does talk to.

Frankly, some people just have a nasty disposition and that isn't your fault. Absolutely everyone knows the things society expects out of people. Nobody needs to be ridden to know if they are not exactly "normal" and I feel like this kind of behavior from a parent is just to use you as a prop in their internal (I'm so much better than everyone) narrative. IOW, I think they use people who are so close and attached to them that they can't easily cut them off even if they'd like to. So they take advantage of the private world created by a private family setting to display the behavior they'd probably display with everyone except they know most people would just walk away and never speak to them again.

My own mother is almost impossible to get along with in private (she starts arguments with all of us for no reason and absolutely will not stop once she has successfully instigated on. If she cannot get the last word, she gets more and more riled up until it's not even good enough for her to get the last word anymore) but she's the (fake) nicest person in the world to everyone who doesn't know the real her.


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## Fever Dream (Aug 18, 2015)

Blue Dino said:


>


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Frankly, some people just have a nasty disposition and that isn't your fault. Absolutely everyone knows the things society expects out of people. Nobody needs to be ridden to know if they are not exactly "normal" and I feel like this kind of behavior from a parent is just to use you as a prop in their internal (I'm so much better than everyone) narrative. IOW, I think they use people who are so close and attached to them that they can't easily cut them off even if they'd like to. So they take advantage of the private world created by a private family setting to display the behavior they'd probably display with everyone except they know most people would just walk away and never speak to them again.


_I agree with this spot on. Honestly I am rather glad I have learned to see it this way as well. Having had a little bit of therapy in the past helped me realized this as well. And I learned to not take them so seriously. If not, I definitely would've been more miserable. I've seen many people who are much older than me that failed to realize this, and it turned themselves into miserable and developed a screwed up personality as well. _


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## Myosr (Apr 8, 2016)

I think everyone in my family has different issues. None of us get along really.


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## indignant misanthrope (Jun 15, 2021)

yea I think I am the black sheep in terms of achievement and living a life that was expected of me, all my cousins seem to be doing better than me. i'm generally seen by everyone as the weirdo with a questionable work history, no achievements, no family of my own, no partner, no friends. family are right wing, boomer generation. they often don't believe in problems unless it's a physical thing, for years my dad doubted my mental health because he couldn't see it he didn't believe it existed, my mum is kind of the same. I recently had a phonecall with her and I was talking about some physical symptoms I had, but as soon as I mentioned my declining mental health I just got a frustrated angry sigh from her and an attitude of I am not listening anymore, goodbye. they sort of expected me to give everything to them from birth without giving me anything as a baby. it's like I was expected to be a high achiever by my mother when she provided zero emotional upbringing and my father just expected me to worship him when he gave me no encouragement at all. I don't think I received any praise or support at all, it was just all criticism, they never said I was good at anything just said I couldn't do things or put me off things. it's this messed up sense of entitlement that they put on their child, "we expect this of you but we aren't going to do anything other than feed you put you in clothes and let you live in our house". it's no wonder it screwed me up in the head.


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## NoCat57 (Oct 31, 2021)

either/or said:


> I'm definitely the black sheep of my family, in just about every way. I just do not fit in. At all.
> 
> My family is very conservative. My parents, siblings, and extended family on both sides with the exception of a couple of cousins are politically very conservative and are all Trump supporters to varying degrees. I am, on the other hand, generally liberal or left-libertarian. I wouldn't call myself a Democrat and usually don't vote, and don't call myself a progressive or anything. I don't like labels. I hate labels lol. And I would have a hard time joining any group or social movement or calling myself an adherent to any specific ideology. But I definitely lean to the left on most issues, including most social issues, many economic issues and the way I interpret socio-political events generally. So I do not see eye to eye with my family on many political issues which is a point of contention.
> 
> ...


Yep. I'm the only one who hasn't gone to college. The only one living a sad degenerate going-nowhere life. The only one on disability. I don't even talk to my extended family besides a quick greeting whenever we happen to be at my parents house at the same time.


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## fatc (Nov 21, 2021)

Yeah. It used to be my brother. Now it's my turn. Funny how that works


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## strange_world (Jul 13, 2021)

I'm the only member of my immediate family who doesn't have a university degree. My family are very left-leaning, my mum and dad met at university, and they always have conversations about politics, political theory, current affairs, books and other intellectual topics which I struggle to contribute anything to. I just like to talk about everyday stuff really. Also all my family are very vocal atheists.

I'm painfully aware of how boring I am to them and that they're a little bit ashamed of me. They think I'm dopey and have something wrong with me, they treat me kindly but they also talk to me like I'm a bit thick sometimes.

I was referred to the special educational needs guy at school, who found me to be sort-of intelligent with an IQ of 120 so I'm not really dumb or anything. But I'm not very intellectually curious. I don't really get along with any political ideology. I don't really have strong opinions about current affairs that I want to argue about. They keep telling me they think I have autism and I should get tested. I think that's because I can't fit into the family socially and join in with their conversations. Also my social life outside the family is pretty empty.

All in all I think they prefer my brother! Whenever my brother leaves the table at the pub they look at me nervously like: "Oh goodness we have to talk to you now do we?" and then the conversation dries up pretty quickly.


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