# I Hate What College Did to Me



## Scribbler (Oct 19, 2014)

Hi everyone. I'm new to this online community and wanted to share my story. 

Does anyone else view college as that turning point where their depression and/or anxiety emerged? 

I guess I was always this way to an extent, but the depression and anxiety became much more manifest during college and are showing no signs of improvement since graduating a few months ago.

College was a difficult, dark place for me. I struggled with classes and didn't make friends or connect with others easily. I either learned how really introverted I am, or I just learned to be comfortable with being alone, since I was by myself all the time. I was very involved however in extracurricular activities and campus groups where I would get my social "fix", but I didn't leave college with new lifetime friends. 

My goal has always been to attend medical school, but my overall GPA has been a major source of insecurity for me. It's not terrible, but it is mediocre and could have an adverse effect on my acceptance to a school. Because I was having trouble academically, I did not apply to medical school for entry after graduation and planned to take some time off to prepare for the MCAT. 

I recently rescheduled it because I was unhappy with my progress which angered my parents. They already don't understand why I didn't apply my senior year and compare me constantly to their friends' kids in graduate and professional schools. I see their perspective: they remember me as a hard worker and good student, one of the top students in her high school class. They're unaware of how rough college was for me. Of course, I will always be grateful that they've accepted me back home, but it is typical for our culture to stay with your family, and it's not seen as peculiar. In turn, I do household chores, run errands, drive an hour commute taking my siblings to school to ease the burden on my parents, etc. I have also been job hunting during this time and have finally been offered a position that gives me clinical experience: at first my parents were satisfied, but then they weren't happy to hear how little the compensation is and how the qualifications/requirements weren't that rigorous. I still see it as a positive step forward, but now that I know my parents' true feelings about something I was sure would make them somewhat happier about my situation, I feel terrible.

I just feel like I am so afraid that it is impacting my ability to study and perform at my fullest potential. Because I tried so hard in college and didn't receive grades to show for it, I'm afraid of exhausting all my efforts preparing for this important exam and investing so much time and money into applications only to be disappointed. 

I was dreading the awkward post-college phase because I wasn't sure what my next steps should be, but I laid out this roughly two-year plan between graduation and medical school entry to allow me to improve my application and make me more competitive. I completely didn't expect such an emotional burden that is hindering me in every way. I feel like a terrible disappointment to my parents. They have always labeled me the smart child out of their kids: I feel like even after all this, if I didn't get into medical school, I couldn't handle how letdown and/or angry they would feel. 

My mom is a blunt, intimidating, person. Often she implies that I'm not trying or that I'm lazy. She wonders incredulously how most med school hopefuls she hears of can juggle their classes and MCAT prep at once but I can't even take the MCAT when I don't have any classes going on. This just makes me feel worse. Of course I've wondered all this myself and have wondered why I can't do it, but it's much more overwhelming coming from the person who is supposed to believe in you. I've asked her many time to please stop the comparisons because they don't help me, but she hasn't stopped, even when I became visibly emotional. 

I do understand their frustration and know that they are going through difficulties too: my dad works too much, my mom is dealing with some physical problems, they're both worried about the state of their families back home in Syria, but their negativity and blaming is hindering any chance of progress and just enhancing my anxiety.

On top of all this, coming back home has reinstated my status as the scapegoat among my siblings. I have always been the one who was picked on, excluded, seen as slow and stupid, etc. I think this reached an ultimate low when I was in a bad car accident a few months ago that really scared me, and they cracked jokes about that and used it to confirm their long-held belief that I am a terrible driver. My siblings are not bad people, but I just don't think they've realized how far they take the chides and sneers and the extent of the psychological toll their treatment of me has taken. 

I feel down and awful almost all the time. Even when good things happen. Sometimes I just feel like I can't motivate myself at all because the future just looks so bleak and fills me with dread instead of any shred of optimism. I just feel like I have nothing going for me and it makes me think life is so useless. Almost everything is really difficult for me and my normal state is to feel anxious, afraid, and gloomy. It's like happiness, confidence, and being calm are luxuries. And then I feel horrible for feeling all this when I do have so much, a house to live in, parents to support me financially, etc. so that just makes me feel even worse. 

I don't know if the toxic atmosphere of college is to blame, but I hate what college did to me. It enhanced and multiplied all my insecurity, anxiety, timidity, uncertainty, etc. So much that I will probably never be the same person. I thought finally finishing would be healthy for me, but I never expected these feelings to follow me to the future. I was so reassured to finally be out of the ferociously competitive, cutthroat environment, to be away from all the partying, to be relieved of the demands and expectations professors expect from students that I felt I couldn't meet on a daily basis. I was happy to just be able to be at home for a bit to focus on my exam and my next steps in a more nurturing context, but that hasn't been the case.

I am mostly writing this as an attempt to stop being so stuck in this critical, frightened, solitary world inside of myself, as my test date is approaching. And I guess to hear any words of advice or support anyone might have. Please please don't judge me, whatever your judgements may be. It's just really something I can't handle right now.

Thanks in advance.


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## Vilanelle (Jul 22, 2013)

Man! I felt the same way just yesterday.
And guess what? Now I feel much better. Can't say the change of heart for you will come today, tomorrow, or even soon.
What I can tell you is that,
you tried. You didn't drop out. You finished. There are med schools that will accept you. You aren't behind the game. It's not too late to persue it and I highly doubt anyone but you is judging you as critically.
It's time to move forward! Stop beating yourself up for things you can't change. It does no one any good.


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## Blaze Crow (Sep 11, 2014)

I enjoy reading your personal story and think your parents expect way too much. My advice maybe spend a little time away from them. What I'll do go to a park or library and relax or study. I really never been in situation like this and my personal story is bit of a "Rise and Fall" story.


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## Scribbler (Oct 19, 2014)

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. It seems like something to just "get over" but it's been really pressing on my mind for months now that I felt I needed to put it into words somehow. 

I am trying to make an effort to get out of the house more. I do appreciate that piece of insight. 

I know my case is not hopeless, and I acknowledge I really am lucky in many ways. I just can't help catastrophizing and thinking of the worst possible thing that could happen in almost every aspect of my life. 

Currently I'm also nervous about an upcoming job training that I have to pass, also contemplating that I fail and don't get the position. I had a birthday dinner a few days ago with my sister that I was dreading two weeks in advance and my sister just couldn't understand why I'm always so afraid and if I weren't so anti-social, people would talk to me more. I dread attending birthday dinners for God's sake. 

I just wish I could know what it feels like to be confident. I need my nerves to be on my side for once at least during this huge exam :/


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## Scribbler (Oct 19, 2014)

BlazeCrow, would you mind sharing your personal story?


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## jcastaway (Jul 11, 2014)

same! I'm a nursing major, but I'm afraid of not finishing classes or not getting hired because of some random qualification. The next ten years really scare me. The only thing that helps is spending time outside and hoping for best while preparing for the worst. Try moving out as soon as possible, I thought I would be okay with living with parents after high school, big mistake.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

To much to read but off the title 

Dam education has ruined my life said 1 person ever ( that's you )


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Don't be too hard on yourself, take things one day at a time and try your best at your pace. It's imperative you retain your sanity after all and regardless, your family will love you, tough love or not.


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## Blaze Crow (Sep 11, 2014)

Scribbler said:


> BlazeCrow, would you mind sharing your personal story?


someday.


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## potterhead22 (May 20, 2014)

I wouldn't say that my college experience caused my anxiety, but it definitely exacerbated it. For me it was a mix of academic pressures and unrealistic self expectations. I set these unrealistically high expectations for myself that I didn't meet, which resulted in feeling of self loathing and increased anxiety. I recentlt graduated and now my anxiety has me wondering whether or not my interned career path is a good choice. I want to be a speech pathogist, but I fear my lack of social skills will negatively impact my chances at getting into grad school and becoming a successful slip. Anyways, I wouldn't worry too much about not making a lot of money at this point. I myself, I took two volunteer positions which give me a lot of experince, but no compensation. I could be making money working somewhere else, but I feel it's more important to beef up my application. My family isn't thrilled with my choices, but it's what I feel is my best move.


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## Scribbler (Oct 19, 2014)

Thanks for sharing. A lot of what you said about setting expectations for yourself that you don't meet really resonated with me. I hope you're happy with your career path and that it brings you peace and success. 

I love your username (fellow PotterHead )


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## Imbored21 (Jun 18, 2012)

Sorry, I only ready the first paragraph. 

No college was not when my anxiety first came. It was miles worse before. My anxiety was the worst when I was the youngest. It slowly got better over time. College gave me the freedom to avoid many anxiety provoking situations though. This stopped my improvement.


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## Blue Sponge (Sep 22, 2014)

Oh man, I have college stories. I've probably always had SA but I was just shy and weird; it wasn't until college that they developed into full blown panic attacks. My lack of confidence and communication skills actually got me picked on by academic staff. Students picked on me too but they weren't as bad because they didn't have the power to fail me. I failed a lot of my oral assessments because I couldn't talk. The most egregious example was once during a small group outing/practical session, the tutor wrote a complaint letter to the head professor about me. One of the reasons cited was that I "did not contribute to the lunch conversation". Literally, no joke, because I had the letter read back at me. I had to explain myself to the professor and I cried myself to sleep the night before. I have more stories, lol. Glad to be out of that hellhole.


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## Venomwave (Sep 7, 2014)

Please don't despair. You are not the only one to have experienced that as I can so relate to your experiences. I had a hellish time at university and my honours year was even worse as I just could not handle being in an environment where I was constantly mistreated and so I actually dropped out of my honours year. I am currently planning on pursuing a new career field at the moment. I am sorry that you had to go through that. I hope things will work out well for you.


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## Venomwave (Sep 7, 2014)

Blue Sponge said:


> Oh man, I have college stories. I've probably always had SA but I was just shy and weird; it wasn't until college that they developed into full blown panic attacks. My lack of confidence and communication skills actually got me picked on by academic staff. Students picked on me too but they weren't as bad because they didn't have the power to fail me. I failed a lot of my oral assessments because I couldn't talk. The most egregious example was once during a small group outing/practical session, the tutor wrote a complaint letter to the head professor about me. One of the reasons cited was that I "did not contribute to the lunch conversation". Literally, no joke, because I had the letter read back at me. I had to explain myself to the professor and I cried myself to sleep the night before. I have more stories, lol. Glad to be out of that hellhole.


Wow, that's terrible. I also have a lot of similar stories like that. University was a nightmare for me but I'm happy I made it out there as well.


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## Scribbler (Oct 19, 2014)

Thank you Venomwave and Blue Sponge for sharing and for your words. In 
some ways I really am relieved to be out of college. Funny thing is I started my job this week and felt the same anxieties I felt then coming over me once again. I made a mistake that was fixable and my supervisor joked about it but I still felt terrible. Hopefully this will get better with time, because I really don't need to feel as inadequate as I felt in college now in my new job, and especially not when I apply to med schools. It's taking me a long time to recover.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Everyone goes through different experiences when it comes to college. Some rebel because mommy and daddy are not around anymore yet they don't appreciate the hard work their parents put in their child's life. Those kids should be ashamed of themselves. Some people learn about themselves and they grow as they are learning more and there are others who discover the positives and the negatived about themselves. Excuse me if I tI don't make sense. I'm using my phone and going on das on my phone is a *****.


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