# Romantic Attention and SA



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hello

Yes I know Im meant to be holidaying but I wanted to do some research.

For the girls:

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 
b)If you have a *lot *of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 
f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

Its interesting to see the wolrd through another set of eyes. I may well try to write a book on SA but I want to add some elements that are not always covered.

Thanks!

Ross


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## tainted_ (Feb 20, 2008)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?  
Sexual comments and other things like guys whistling or honking and yelling out of cars, making suggestive comments etc all make my anxiety a lot worse and can trigger a panic attack in me. If someone approaches me in a sensible way then I dont mind. 
b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
Worse, I feel like I am doing something to attract attention when I don't want attention.
d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
No, it just makes me feel insecure and dirty.
e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 
Depends what they do. If it's something like honking or whistling or making comments I look down on them a lot.
f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
Yes I feel fine in romantic settings, anxious in most others.
g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled? I'm not "pretty" but I do feel like I have to hide behind makeup, fake tan, hair etc or people will see what my personality is like (boring)

Interesting questions


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Another thread that makes me feel like I'm not a female. Lovely.


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## quietgal (Oct 18, 2007)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?

If someone approached me with the sole aim of having sex with me, that would definitely make me feel very uncomfortable, but if he was attracted to me and wanted a relationship, I suppose that would make me feel better.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?

I don't know, this has never happened to me before. If this suddenly started happening to me, I'd probably feel very uncomfortable and suspicious. But, in an alternate universe where I am really good-looking and I know it, I'd probably feel flattered, though I'd be sure to separate out those who like me just because of my looks, and those who I could really click with on a personal/spiritual level.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

Yeah, I think I'd have to perform socially to some extent, but I'd probably do a better job of it because I'd feel more confident, and won't be so self conscious about my looks. Well, I always think you should try and be yourself.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?

Maybe...I'm really having a hard time envisioning myself in this situation, I don't really know how I'd feel or why. Yeah, I'd probably be afraid that they'll think I'm boring.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?

I wouldn't look down on them for thinking I'm attractive and wanting to approach me. If it turns out they only want me for my looks, then I'd feel very insulted.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

I don't think I'd feel more or less anxious in romantic situations vs. other situations. My fears are similar - they'll think I'm boring, not good enough, etc. 

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

I've never been pretty, but yeah, I think it's very important to be socially skilled and to have a good personality. Pretty girls have an easier time getting people to like them, but I believe personality and social skills are an important element of a person's overall beauty. So, yes, if I was pretty, I'd probably feel like that was the only thing of value that I had, since I'm not particularly social. If I was really social, not being pretty wouldn't be _that_ big of a deal.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

LostInReverie said:


> Another thread that makes me feel like I'm not a female. Lovely.


I'll tell you straight out with complete honesty: you most certainly are a pretty young woman. And added to this, their's a girlishness about how you look -especially in photos that you post of you smiling- which is in all sincerity quite appealing!

-I believe it's called: Charm. And it's part of what makes a person attractive (I'd say _physically_ as well as personality-wise -it shows in someone's face, and in their expressions, etc) .

But if you tell yourself that it isn't there, you won't bring it out. 
...There's a lot to be said for smiling and for being happy in your good qulities etc. This brings them out. Believing that you don't have your good points (and in your case they're quite appealing -girlishness is very attractive) is choosing to hide them from the world.

In other words, it's like Tolstoy wrote on what makes a woman attractive: "The suppressed fire of vitality and the knowledge of her own attractiveness" ...he goes as far as to put being attractive as being much all to do with charm, confidence and vivaciousness. I might not go that far, but he does in fact make a very valid point.

-Look to women you know who before were not so attractive, even perhaps were quite plain, but who overnight have blossomed (I know of a few who have lots of men after them who consider them 'beautiful'). You might think it is to do with them changing physically. -This maybe the case to an extent. But it's likely that they in fact feel very attractive, and that this comes out in how they look -and maybe this is in fact the only difference. 
There are plenty examples of this everywhere. 
I think it's smart to take notice and see how looking good always to some extent has to do with how you feel (about yourself).


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

keep in mind i have very little experience but i'll answer these anyway..

*a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? *
it makes me feel much better but there's still anxiety about how to react.
*b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? *
been approached only maybe a few times, but i think it would make me feel better about myself (temporarily, at least).*
c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?*
i feel a lot of pressure to perform in that situation, or just react normally, i.e. flirt, make conversation, even just eye contact which i can't do.
*d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? *
i end up feeling bad because of this.*
e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? *
i always assume that the other person is just desperate when they approach or talk to me. but i don't look down on them for that.*
f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attraction' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?*
i feel very anxious in romantic situations as well as others.
*g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?*
i wouldn't know because i don't think i'm pretty. but i feel like if i ever were to "pursue" a relationship or a situation where a guy was attracted to me i wouldn't be able to because i lack so many social skills.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

I meant, RubyTuesday, that I've never received romantic attention and am not seen in society as a female. Perhaps not even a person. More like a chewed piece of gum under the table.


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## HoboQueen (Jan 25, 2008)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?
It makes me more anxious. It triggers something in my brain that says "DANGER!DANGER! Run away as fast as possible". 

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?
Neither. Most of the times I've been approached I was totally oblivious to it until after the fact. I tend to tune people out.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
Neither. I don't care either way.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?
No.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?
You could say that I do look down on them. My first instinct is to be suspicious. I'm not very good looking so I don't really buy the idea that someone would actually be attracted to me. I think it's one of those "I would never join a club that would accept me" type of things.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
Not really.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
No. I'm not pretty. My value comes from other things.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

LostInReverie said:


> I meant, RubyTuesday, that I've never received romantic attention and am not seen in society as a female. Perhaps not even a person. More like a chewed piece of gum under the table.


Well, speaking as a female and on-line, I still reckon that you're pretty spectacular  . And, just in case you hadn't noticed it yet: getting attention from a _female_ person means a hell of a lot more -_sweetheart_  ops - than a male!!!!!! :lol :rofl Women would die if only a lesbian or some other female would view them as attractive! :lol

Well... incidentally: I'm NOT gay!!! :afr :lol ...Yet, still I say that you are cute and that you have a certain appeal about you. And I wish that you would recognize it. And show people the real you, instead of hiding it.

It is a pity that no ones been around in real life to tell you this :stu :con . I would, if I knew you in person :hug ...you've got a sweetness about you -a rare kind of _passion_ - that even manages to come out on-line. Hope you do well.... 

P.S. You deserve my attention, even if I don't personally know you.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 

makes me feel better momentarily.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 

It makes me feel better about myself but a bit uncomfortable. 


c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

I do feel I have to socially perform, thats why I get uncomfortable. 

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 

Yeh, i'm afraid if i'm approached based on someones attraction to me, I will let them down with my nonbubbly personality.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them? 

I don't look down on them at all. Its normal to go after someone based on attraction if thats the only thing you know of them. I'm just disappointed in myself. 

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

Its a different kind of uncomfortable. I feel like I have to live up to expectations if someone is attracted to me. Play up the flirty, or sexy or whatever, its very tiring. 


g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

I've been called ugly and beautiful, and everything in between. I can't put value in something i'm not entirely sure of, so I'm trying really hard to make my looks not matter to me. As for being liked socially, I think people would like me if I let them in and trusted them more. :stu


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## HopeMarie88 (Mar 3, 2008)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 
_If I'm attracted to the other person as well, then yes it definately spikes my anxiety, but if I'm not, it really has no affect. _

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
_That makes me feel a little better, but at the same time it makes me feel like I have some standards to live up to, and that feeling will spike my anxiety_

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
_Yeah, I definately feel like I have to socially perform_

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
_Yeah, I feel like because of my anxiety I can be very boring!_

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 
_My attention would only be on my nervousness and how I'm acting because of that. _

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
_The only time I wouldn't feel anxious in a situation that I was being approached by someone who I was equally attracted to would be if I was slightly intoxicated! :sigh _

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
_I feel like men approach me because I'm "pretty" and only that. Because of my anxiety I never actually open up and show that I'm not boring or nervous all the time!_


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

The replies in this thread are fascinating - honestly, to hear things from the other perdpective is truly an eye opener! Keep the revelations coming ... the principle I wanted to capture in any book I write is the uniqueness of experience between people with by and large the 'same problem'. Same symptom - different reason. 

Also this side of life isnt often written about on SAS, so thank you guys for sharing your views :thanks Keep em coming!

Ross


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## livingnsilence (Feb 4, 2008)

*a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? *
Both, it makes me feel like a guy can actually possibly like me and makes me feel less lonely for the moment but at the same time I'm extreamly nervous when it's happening unless I'm drunk
*b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? *
I'm pretty sure I'd feel better because I'd feel like I actually was hot
*c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?*
I feel like I have to socially perform b/c guys will lose intrest despite if you are hot if you are boring
*d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? *
Sorta
*e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? *
The attention is completely on my nerves unless the guy creeps me out
*f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?*
I'm always anxious unless I'm drunk
*g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?*
I don't feel I'm pretty and people don't like me b/c I'm shy and boring. If I was pretty the anxiety would still ruin everything and make them not like me.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

I hope my answers make sense. I'm tired. :yawn 

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 
Spikes my anxiety.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
I don't have anybody approaching me, which is good because I'm married. In general, before I was married it still made me feel nervous. But I never had a lot of people approach me either way. :stu 

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
I wonder if they are approaching me because of my looks, would they also be willing to accept the whole crazy package that comes with it.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
Not really. Just makes me wonder if they would like me for me, not just my looks. :stu 

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 
No I don't look down on them. That kind of attention just makes me feel self conscious and silly/awkward. :b 

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
:con Uh no any setting makes me nervous.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
No, not as of lately. I used to feel that way when I felt like I didn't know myself as well. I've grown a lot over the last 6 years. I have learned to like and accept myself in a lot of ways now. I don't neccesarily feel like I am socially inept anymore, just very humble, modest and shy at times. I still feel awkward and self conscious at times too, for no random reason.

:um 

opcorn


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

For the girls: 

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 

It makes me feel noticable, but I'm not sure quite how to react to someone looking at me 

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 

I may question there motives - I may think is this a joke? Am I on candid camera. Normally, guys don't approach me. 

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

Socially perform. I better make a damn good impression because I want him to like me. 

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 

I freeze like a deer in these types of situations and I never quite know what to say 

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 

The attention is mostly on how embarassed I feel. I'm trying to get a sense if the person is for real. 

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

Anxious in all settings having to do with the opposite sex. I've even let down guys who were like a 10 on my list just because I didn't want to have to talk to them. 

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

I am socially unskilled and I'm not sure that I'm pretty - Pretty Tomboyish - I dress in like khakis, hoodies, and shirts that never show cleavage, ever!


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## mserychic (Oct 2, 2004)

*a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?* Spike for sure

*b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?* I don't have anyone approaching me. In the past the only time anyone ever did is when they wanted something from me. It was nice to feel wanted for a short amount of time before I was ****ed over.

*c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?* I used to feel like I had to preform but now not so much. I'm making peace with how eccentric I am.

*d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?* Well I'm not :b It's more like I'm figuring the person just wants to use me.

*e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?* I guess I kind of am looking down on them because I'm expecting the worst.

*f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?* Awkward and anxious all around.. probably even more so in those situations

*g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?* No because I'm not pretty. Don't get me wrong I don't think I look bad or anything but I've never been one to get attention for my looks.


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## eagleheart (Jun 14, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?


It would depend on what and who it was. It spiked my anxiety that time that that strange guy came on to me, a highly surreal, "unique," disorienting event culminating in a sudden attempt to kiss my mouth. uke



> b)If you have a *lot *of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?


That's never happened, and it never would. How I look is typically repulsive to males. Therefore the following, I guess, are not applicable.

I imagine I would feel worse, though. I do not want to repeat the experience of being left feeling "used," or that of feeling sick thinking about, I guess, having to be with someone.


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## Debi (Dec 2, 2007)

Hello, I haven't had much experience of this but I thought I'd have a go at answering your questions.

*a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? *
Well, if a guy finds me attractive, then that makes me feel better about how I look. To be honest, most of the attention I've received so far has been on the few occasions I've ventured into a nightclub, and the guys there are just "on the pull", and as I'm not interested in just having sex, then it doesn't make me feel particularly good and I want them to go away. If it was a nice guy who seemed genuine, then that would make me feel great! Wow! That would be ideal.

*b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? *
It'd only really be my looks that the guys I described above could make me feel better about, and seeing as they're invariably fairly drunk and the light's not very good, then no, I don't feel any better at all, I feel the same. I truly believe they wouldn't be chatting me up if they saw me in daylight, so I don't really count their opinions.

*c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?*
With *those* kind of guys, again, no I don't feel I have to perform; that's down to them! I don't really feel anxious when I receive attention from guys like that, I just want them to go away. If it was a nice, genuine guy, however, then I guess I would feel more of a need to "perform", and I'd feel anxious, because I'd want him to like me. I'd actually care what he thinks of me, whereas I couldn't care less about those other guys.

*d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? *
Well, I said the nightclub guys didn't make me feel particularly bad, but with regards to nice guys (which is hypothetical :sigh ) I think I would probably feel I wouldn't be able to live up to whatever kind of expectation they have of me; I'd probably feel I'd disappoint them by not being interesting or funny enough. But that wouldn't put me off trying, I'd make an effort because I'd like to have a relationship.

*e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? *
Nightclub guys: No, I don't look down on them. I don't admire them by any means, but they're just doing what they do.
Hypothetical nice guy: Not at all, if I feel anxious it's because I like him.

*f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?*
I'm anxious in all settings that involve people, but less so with the nightclub guys (unfortunately), as I've said, because I simply don't care what they think of me. I could probably hold a half-decent conversation with them! But obviously I don't want to lead them on, so I don't talk much back to them (not in a cruel way) and they ususally get the picutre. With the hypothetical nice guy I would probably feel anxious, but I'm sure that would be outweighed by feeling happy that he has approached me; overall it would be a positive experience.

*g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?*
I don't think I'm pretty, but I'm not hideous. I have some good qualities, but I find it hard to show them to most people, so sometimes I do feel like my non-hideousness is all I can offer guys.

I hope this is helpful, the questions are interesting!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

So many different replies ... seems everyone's experience of SA is very different, even though the feelings of anxiety are a constant ... this is what I was wondering. Thanks all for the replies, its absolutely fascinating. I am going to copy paste into a Word document for future ... is everyone happy with that? If it ever gets used I wont use names and stuff


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## Debi (Dec 2, 2007)

Yeah, that's fine with me


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 
If I fancy the person, then it makes me happy and nervous. If I don't, I feel uncomfortable cause I have to turn them down.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
If someone likes me only on the basis of my looks, that's upsetting. It's quite problematic actually, I often wonder if guys only show interest in me, because they think I'm pretty and then they just probably want to sleep with me.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
Again, if I like someone, surely I want to be as interesting as possible and it takes a lot of emotional energy. If not, I can't be bothered.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
No I only feel bad if some jerk thinks I'm easy. If he's not a jerk, I'm often convinced the person thinks I'm someone else and soon they will realize their mistake and leave me alone. I don't believe I'm that interesting person everyone wants to be with. I'm socially awkward and it shows.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?
Well, if they are absolutely shallow and obnoxious, I do. I feel ironic that they would pick someone like me of all people.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
I feel most anxious in romantic situations, mostly cause I don't know what to do. I have little experience in that area.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
Yeah sometimes, I feel like guys assume I'm a completely different person, if only they knew how insecure I really am.


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## lubs (Sep 17, 2006)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?
In the short run, it makes me feel better, despite whether or not I am attracted to the guy. It's like a little confidence boost. Of course, if I'm not attracted to the guy...it's extremely awkward communicating with him in the long run. If I am attracted to him, then I get anxious over whether he's genuinely interested in me and how long that will last.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?
Makes me feel better...but I'm usually only approached in clubs and 95% of the time, I am drunk and so are they. I realize it's a very superficial thing, so I try not to make too much of it. But when a guy takes it further and tries to date me, then I start getting anxious.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
Yes, I feel like I need to socially perform- be someone who I am not, which in turn makes me feel like a total phoney.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?
Yep. I feel like these guys expect me to be funny & interesting, when I really don't have anything to offer. I'm just another boring depressed loser. I'd almost rather they just see me as a pretty face and expect nothing more.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?
No, I don't look down on them. I guess I sorta feel bad for them because I wonder why they are wasting their time on me.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
I'm anxious in pretty much any setting involving strangers or new people I've just met. Unless I am completely wasted, then I am comfortable in any situation, haha.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
Sad thing is, I don't feel like I am pretty. I wear a lot of make up...so I know it's all fake and an illusion- at the end of the day, I'm still hideous. I think I can look decent and presentable with make up on, so that's why I wear it and how I get through each day being able to face people.


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## quietgal (Oct 18, 2007)

Actually...I think I've changed my mind about those first two. More attention almost always makes me feel uncomfortable and a little threatened. I don't know how to deal with that kind of un-asked-for attention.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I actually saw life from the other side of the fence on Saturday. For the first time in like a year I went to a club without feeling panicked - in fact I was having a great time and smiling my head off!  The effect seemed to be that I got approached by girls, which quite frankly is rather new ...

This girl was chatting to me on the dance floor and asked me if I wanted to chat by the bar. Being Mr Innocent I thought "ooh it'll be fun to chat to new people" and I knew I wasnt attracted. A bit later she was getting quite close, which as a dude I suppose I thought was just kinda sweet. Then she started asking more kind of "so whaddya think" type questions and I had that horrible moment that I guess so many girls have had to deal with .... when I had to say the "I think you're sweet but I am not romantically attracted to you. I think you're fun and I like talking to you". I had honestly just enjoyed chatting to her, especially as I am at the stage where I am breakig out of my avoidance and trying to see that other people can be nice and trustworthy.

At this point I realise why so many girls say "I have a boyfriend" - because her mood seemed to change quite a bit She mooched around the place chatting to other people for a while getting really drunk, then passed out on the dance floor. I was really worried about her and tried to help her up, but the doormen grabbed her and took her out for some air. It MIGHT have been my words that made her do that, but then there was about a 45 minute gap between the events and she did talk to other people too ... So i shouldnt personalise and blame myself for her getting sad - after all she has to attach meaning to what I said to feel sad, and if it had been the other way round I would have given myself some stern words about approval and strangers I'd known for 10 minutes. I felt real bad for her and my protective instinct came out in strength.

But still, it made me realise that for a girl doing the same, men tend to get p i s s i e and angry as opposed to a bit sad ... so it must get that even having a guy you know you arent intially attracted to approach you becomes unpleasant, if you dont have a good way to deal? I guess I need to find a new coping strategy with more diplomacy! I can totally understand now why girls get anxious about guys coming up to them and its helped me to see that a 'softly softly' respectful approach is much better than the 'hey bebbeh, want summa MAH MILKSHAKE y'all" method .... 

Thank you for educating me! I may have to write a "dating for SA people" book instead now. Well maybe a leaflet.

Ross


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## Debi (Dec 2, 2007)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> This girl was chatting to me on the dance floor and asked me if I wanted to chat by the bar. Being Mr Innocent I thought "ooh it'll be fun to chat to new people" and I knew I wasnt attracted. A bit later she was getting quite close, which as a dude I suppose I thought was just kinda sweet.


You really didn't know she was coming on to you? Aww  Well, you certainly shouldn't blame yourself for her getting drunk and passing out, even if she was sad that's still her fault. Aren't I harsh? Meh.

I must say this though, whatever you do, don't say "It's not you, it's me." Haha, that's the worst. That takes bog-standard rejection and smacks you in the face with it. Seriously, there've been times when I wouldn't have been bothered if they hadn't said that. Boohoo, it's never "me"! *sad violins* etc.

P.S. Erm... oops... even if you said that to the girl on Saturday, I'm still sure it wasn't your fault. Maybe it's only me that's bothered by that statement anyway.


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## Debi (Dec 2, 2007)

P.P.S. I've just seen your new avatar. You are going to have to learn how to fight them off! Haha :b


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I remembered the nicest rejection I ever got, which was simply "I think you're really sweet, but I;m not romantically attracted to you. But you're great to talk to".

That was all I said to her  I think honesty is always the best policy - when I try to spin clever circles it just goes badly. Honesty spill - that my way. "Its not you - its me ..." hmm no dont think ive said that ... but why would it make you feel bad? If they have a chronic fear of sexual intimacy coming from childhood abuse or shame, then it IS them. Blaming yourself is a touch of the old 'mind reading' - feeling like they meant it about you even though the cold, emotionaless evidence says otherwise. The cold evidence is "Its me - not you" - the INTERPRETATION, based only on how you felt about yourself - was "really its you" - and then you felt terrible. Thats exactly how depression works - it convinces you that the very worst possible interpretation is the true one - when in fact you have totally guessed. If he then said "I was abused as a kid and have terrible problmes with intimacy", then you would not have felt bad - in fact you might have felt sympathetic. 

Your beliefs and thoughts about a situation are what cause your feelings - if you can catch and question them, you can feel better. Listen to that nasty emotional voice inside and you will feel poopie!

Ross


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Debi said:


> P.P.S. I've just seen your new avatar. You are going to have to learn how to fight them off! Haha :b


Thanks! I am blushing.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

I think when ppl say "Its not you, its me."

It ends up translating to the person, "I don't really like you like that but I don't want to make you feel badly about it." 

Even if they really mean it. :stu


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## Debi (Dec 2, 2007)

CoconutHolder said:


> I think when ppl say "Its not you, its me." It ends up translating to the person, "I don't really like you like that but I don't want to make you feel badly about it."


Yeah, it's just like a lame excuse, when really an excuse is not even necessary! Ross put it nicely, I think, just being honest. Also, "It's not you, it's me" is such a cliché, it's what they ALL say; a girl may have heard it a lot before, and it may just remind her of the other times.

I understand what you were saying, Ross, about how I (for example) might blame myself or assume that it actually IS "me", but I never really look it it that way, myself. It's like when they say they still want to be friends, but then you never hear from them again; they're just trying to soften the blow, it's all fake, and it's kind of cowardly. In my opinion...


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

Yep!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I guess the more you hear it the more it could feel that way - but the cognitive scientist in me is still screaming MIND READING!! EMOTIONAL REASONING!! 

I have still taken a mental note never to say "Its just ME" though. Thanks for the advice!!


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

-


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## girrafe688 (Mar 5, 2008)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 

It varies. Sometimes I feel flattered, although it does make me extremely nervous. And other times, I think they're being sarcastic. Even though there is no hint of sarcasm in their comment, I just feel like it should be that way. That may be an issue with my lack of self-confidence.

b)If you have a lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 

When guys approach me, I don't know what to do, so I'll either smile and walk away, or give them an evil glare if they are rude or a pervert, then walk away.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

I feel like I have to socially perform, which I avoid, so I walk away.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 

Hmm. Yes I'd have to say so.


e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 

It's only on how embarassed I feel, I don't think any less of the other person.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

I feel anxious either way.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

Oh lord yes. If I don't feel pretty before school, I won't go. If I don't feel pretty and I have to go out somewhere, I won't go. It's really getting ridiculous.


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## embers (Dec 19, 2006)

I'd rather be rejected without really knowing its happening. I've learned how to do this, because i've been rejected and no matter how honest or how you dress it up, its never pretty. 

Just finesse it a little, like "we'd probably end up killing each other we're so much alike." or "I don't want to go through the whole passion, games, breaking up, my hearts been broken way too many times, why do that to ourselves?" 

And for the record, i'd much rather someone just not return my calls rather than saying they are not attracted to me (in my mind i'm a now a repulsive monster) because I can come to my own cushy conclusion that they were scared away by my beauty or something.


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## yellowpaper (Nov 13, 2007)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?

confidence boost. but can make me anxious in losing their interest.. (even when I'm not interested, which is pretty much always the case).

b)If you have a *lot *of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?

Generally better. The whole thing makes me feel disgusting, but a lack of attention depresses me.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

Usually people will lose interest pretty fast if you don't socially perform. I'm not really capable of socially performing though unless in the rare case that I'm with friends and not actually talking to anyone but them. Even more guys respond to that.. when you're laughing and smiling.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?

I don't feel bad. I usually am not interested in anyone and if I act like I'm not interested... I'm not, lol.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attraction' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

I can feel fairly comfortable if it's one on one.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

Yeah. I think a lot of people expect me to be someone else based on how I look. They're quick to find out that I'm not that person, and then I think looks become an enemy sometimes.


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## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety?

If it's attention from a guy I don't know very well or have an interest in, I get more anxious. But I feel better about myself when a guy I adore shows attraction to me.

b)If you have a *lot *of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse?

It makes me feel worse.

c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?

I feel like I'm supposed to say something. I don't know what to say though.

d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention?

Yes, that is likely the reason.

e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?

The attention is only on me. My perception of them doesn't change, unless they're being overtly perverted or something.

f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?

Still anxious in both situations.

g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?

No. Even if I look pretty, I'm still socially inept. I've realized that outgoing people are usually liked a lot more, no matter what they look like.


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## complex (Apr 22, 2009)

a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? 
*Depends on my mood but normally just makes me feel good might come with a bit of anxiety but it quickly passes.*
b)If you have a *lot *of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? 
*Well considering this has not really happened I have no idea but Im sure it would make me feel a bit panicky.*
c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?
*I dont get it haha so I have no answer...*
d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? 
*No I am past that part of my SA, when I feel bad it normally has to do with stress or just being tired.*
e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it 
make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel? 
*^*
f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attrcation' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?
*If I know the person I normally do not have an issue but if it is some random person then yes i get anxious and try to get away quickly I have never like meeting ppl I did not know about or know well for as long as I can remember.*
g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?
*I think feeling pretty helps if I felt ugly 24/7 I would not do half of the things I do currently. I think feeling pretty helps socially quite a but acutally.*


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## thewall (Feb 1, 2009)

*a) Does receiving romantic / sexual attraction from others make you feel better, or does this actually spike your anxiety? *
I have never received any romantic or sexual attraction from others. 
*
b)If you have a **lot of men approach you because of how you look, does this volume of interest make you feel better or worse? *
Men don't approach me.
*
c) Continuing (b), Do you feel like you have to socially 'perform', or does it make you feel good?*
n/a

*d) If you feel bad, does that come from feeling you are not socially adept enough to warrant the attention? *
n/a

*e) If so, how does this make you feel about the other person? Does it make you look down on them, or is the attention only on how embarrassed you feel?* 
n/a

*f) Do you feel comfortable in romantic situations or 'attraction' situations (where you have been approached) but anxious in other settings?*
I've never been in an "attraction" situation but I'm sure that I would be an anxious mess if I ever was.

*g) Does 'being pretty' feel like it is the only thing of value that you have, and that otherwise you feel people would not like you, for example due to feeling socially unskilled?*
Well, I don't think that I'm pretty so definitely not. I'm sure my looks are a reason people don't like me and part of the reason I've never been approached. It's the only reason I can think of anyway. But, even if I am somewhat attractive, there are a million other girls out there that look better than me that don't have any weird social problems, so it's just ****ing ridiculous for me to even think anyone would approach me.

and now I feel like a total loser :flush


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