# CBT opened up my sexual relationships



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

OK

Normally I dont share this because to many it will seem cynical and lame. It prolly is. In fact it may even sound like some ****ty internet ad with "FREE TRIAL OFFER" written across the top, and TBH I am expecting some very mixed replies ... but thankfully you wont find a link to anything for sale - all I am trying to do is show you whats possible. I talk a lot about genuine deep relationship formation and compassion for the self. These are lofty ideals that in my experience can be realised with the therapies I usually talk about. But I think that maybe there is one thing that is far more likely to peak peoples interests.

In September 2002 I felt utterly broken. I felt sad, lonely, afraid, vile. I had been refused a work placement because "I could not talk to people properly". I could not even talk to women, and if I tried I felt they looked at me like I was a paedophile. I had just had a self harm episode. I took myself to a private hospital for a psych assessment and he put me in touch with a local CBT therapist. Within 4 months, I was having sex with a different girl pretty much once a fortnight. I could go up to pretty much any girl and know I would get on fine. No PUA techniques - just self confidence and warmth. Numbers came in from all angles. I made lots of friends. I felt genuine, calm and happy. 

My performance at work improved radically. I had never dated such attractive women, and my friends were utterly dumbfounded at the change. It was like someone had pulled back a veil on life. I could understand people, be understood and get respect. All that from CBT - BUT the therapeutic relationship, for me, was crucial too. This I know is due to my BPD (borderline, not bipolar), but I was lucky enough to get a therapist who was truly caring, empathic and awesome at their job. 

Now, I do feel that a sole focus on sex as a therapy goal is bad, and it kept me from addessing some much deeper issues and in fact stuck in approval addiction. But yes, I had a great time - I cant deny that.

The psych was at the Priory Hospital in Essex and the therapist was also in Essex (UK)


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## JayP (Feb 7, 2008)

*Re: CBT got me laid*

Glad to hear your therapy was so successful. I wish I could say the same. I am now well into my fifth month of CBT, and I cannot really see a dramatic improvement.

There are some improvements. I finally manage to talk to the cute waitress in our local pool hall about general topics; I still have trouble, though, getting to personal stuff. I didn't even manage to ask her name. Even looking people in the eyes when they pass is impossible for me. :sigh


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

*Re: CBT got me laid*

Keep working away and find those reserves of courage dude! (Information + trust) x action x courage^2 = progress


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

*Re: CBT got me laid*

Whilst this post is true, theres also the distinct possibility Im having a mode flip. Hmm online BPD symptoms ... :con Never mind me. I am going to go feed myself some broccoli and wave my legs around in the air **pinkle ping tinkle ting**


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## JayP (Feb 7, 2008)

*Re: CBT got me laid*



yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Eventually you jump or you dont ... and thats the one thing a therapist cannot do for you. Making the leap of faith.


I think that's my major problem - motivation. I am mostly filled with the feeling of "it won't change anything anyway, nobody likes you". When I get into a situation, I mostly think "next time", or I make up an excuse why now isn't the right moment. I've driven this to perfection.

Also, I think way too much about how to say things. If I decide to open my mouth (which is rare enough) I mostly start to think about ways that my words can be misinterpreted. I am overly self-conscious, continuously thinking about what others think about me.

What I also found out is that I am way too impatient. I always demand immediate results. If I don't see them, I assume that it won't work. Once that happens, it is difficult to stay on it because I am already in the "It won't work" mindset again.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

*Re: CBT got me laid*

Heh sorry for the heavy editing ... just removing some of my nutsoness from the replies!

Yeah I can understand your feelings, its common to feel that way. After all we have been conditioed to go to a doc, get a pill and feel better in 2 days. I suppose psychology doesnt work that way, and its even harder to be patient when experiencng such pain. But it seems you have just made a little learning step there, and also have a good amount of self-acceptance to be able to say that, which is cool!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Having gone back and read this, I can see now how my thinking at the time actually made me worse. I thought it was great that everyone thought I was cool. (I was overcompensating for my defectiveness and coail exclusion schemas). I was getting female interest and sex (overcompensating for my emotional deprivation, defectiveness and abandonment schemas). I felt I could 'front up' any guy who got in my way (overcompensating for mistrust & Abuse and vulnerability schemas). At the same time I was feeding an entitlement schema and enriching a sense of grandiosity.

My emotional deprivation schema was being deepened. I was having sex with all these girls, but no relationships formed. I still felt distant. But I was doing well on counterattcking a failure (with women) schema, whilst simultaneously reinforcing an approval schema AND and unrelenting standards one by insidting on getting prettier and prettier girls. My impulsivity soared, and I even began taking cocaine sometimes. If anyone criticised me, my subjugation would kick in and I would verbally attack them.

I felt good because I was getting approval. I wish I had listened to my therapist when he said "I think we have a way to go yet..."  

Now I want to do some nice dating and meet a cool girl who is fun and giving who I can give to as well, and be open with :yes

But maybe the player stage is necessary to realise it doesnt bring the lifelong happiness that all the adverts suggest ... :con


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