# hi, i'm pee shy



## leroyjenkins (Jan 13, 2013)

I've never officially joined any sort of public forum for this, let alone talk to anybody outside of my family about my condition, but I'm doing this in hopes that I'll just feel better talking about it frequently. So thanks to the folks that keep this forum running, you're doing what you can. 

Fact: I'm pee shy! It pisses me off, no pun intended, and if you'd like you can share some tips of yours. I'm pretty sure I've heard just about every strategy, technique about graduated exposure therapy or whatever, but post away.

I could go on and on with personal stories forever, but I'll just describe me:

1. Public Restroom Vs. Single Vs. Outdoors

The latter is a blessing, and always preferred for me. The first, sucks. I'll use a public restroom if it's the only one around, but I usually cannot go. And personally I think peeing outside is like you died and went to heaven...you just can't beat it. The ultimate privacy.

2. Urinal VS. Stall

I haven't peed at a urinal in public for as long as I can remember, so the stall has always been my choice. A stall never guarantees a successful pee either; that's dependent on the following characteristics.

3. Noise

For some reason, I can more easily urinate if there's a loud hum (fan). Absolutely cannot go if it's totally quiet, and even if there's lots of people (airport) making noise, it's no guarantee. I guess this has to do with the whole hearing-the-sound-of-your-own-pee thing, which subconsciously must freak me out. It's gotten to the point where I can't even turn the faucet on in a single house restroom without the thought _why is he washing his hands for so long. _

4. Familiarity

Example: In college, peeing wasn't too bad. If somebody walked in the room while I was in a stall, I'd just wait till they did their business, left, and I'd pee. Since most college buildings aren't that busy, there's no steady stream of guys walking in and out. This applied to my high school too. HOWEVER, after three years, I returned to that same high school and absolutely could NOT go. Very frustrating. So it's partly familiarity....weird.

5. Family VS. Friends (outside pressure)

Since my family goes on regular road trips around the midwest during the summer, they're mostly aware of my condition, and stops are a sit-and-eat sort of ordeal. No big rush. With friends it's a different story. _What the hell is taking him so long??? _That sort of thing. The little voices in my head... I feel that at least one of my friends would be accepting of my condition, but I haven't said anything yet.

6. Movement

I've had family ask me, "Well what about planes? That's a single restroom? And it's pretty loud...no one will hear you go". True...but for a lot of pee shy folk, movement can ruin everything. I've never been able to go on a plane, train, or bus. Not sure why, but it sure would be helpful on flights.

So, for those of you not familiar with paruresis, consider these six points and apply them in EVERY situation from the point of view of a paruetic. It's definitely an anxiety issue, totally mental.

I may post a story or something like every week or so if that's not too annoying to the members on this forum...just to show some progress, or lack thereof. It's been a roller coaster ride, mostly going downhill, but I do have my "ups" at times.

Thanks,

-Leroy


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## bornshy (Jan 12, 2013)

*u are not alone*

i could write a book about me..here is a short version..

i'm male..52 now,..
no interaction/social life..for years now..
due to my social anxiety situation(pee shy),..
it started in my teens..

i have decided to do something about it(2013)..with help of therapist(cognitive behavior therapy),and me.

she wanted me to start with going into cubicle..lock door..
i said no..i want to face my demon head on.

my plan of action..last couple of weeks has been..going to public toilet locations..supermarket..library..train station and quiet pub..different levels of human traffic..

walk in ..stand at urinal for 30 seconds-1 minute..
make it look as if i am peeing..it's agony..mental side of it..thinking..

some toilets are quiet..busy..noisy..no sounds...quiet toilet/small/silent..2 or 3 urinals..2 cubicles.. are the one's i dread..

it's awful but that is what i have to endure if i am going to defeat this.

this week i have been..fluid loading at home..hop on bus into town.. can feel every bump in road..weather is cold..wet..

pick local pubs..different one every day/afternoon..so far 1 or 2 people in pub..order cup of tea..wait until brain says you can pee now..make my move towards gents toilet and go to the toilet(ureka)..

it's so easy to avoid going out to public places/toilets..lock yourself away in your own world..thoughts..but there is another world out there..painful as it may be to take those first steps..give it a try


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## hellinnorway (Aug 6, 2011)

Simple, but not easy. Create a fear hierarchy, which involves making a list of specific urinating situation fears from ones that include little to no fear to your greatest fear or fears. Tackle each fear one by one, and reward yourself for your accomplishments. You deserve to be pee freely!


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## ToucanSam (Mar 22, 2012)

hey buddy, welcome to the forum. There's alot of us pee-shy people here, so make yourself at home!

Your symptoms describe me perfectly, although I can use a urinal if everything is "just right".

I've learned a couple of things over the years about this. The first is that SA often involves tension - emotional as well as muscle. So, it's important to understand that for many of us, the inability to pee is not due to our inability to relax the bladder muscle, but our general inability to relax _any_ of our muscles, including the bladder. That's important, because it's a reminder to relax your whole body in that situation, instead of just focusing on the bladder.

The second thing I learned is that baby-steps are key, and an important one is to give yourself permission to "make noise" in the stall. Once you start peeing, avoid the urge to aim for the quiet side of the porcelain. Since the stream is already going, this is a relatively easy challenge to do. After many months of doing it, peeing might get a little easier, because the fear of making noise is diminished. Then, you can move on to other challenges.


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## Boring Loser (Oct 21, 2011)

I have it too. If i am at someone's house who is someone other than my parents, i will usually have a hard time peeing there. If i am using a public restroom, i have a really hard time with that and can't pee until i am sure there are no other people besides myself in there. Sometimes i get so annoyed at other people in the restroom who are taking such a long time to get out of there. Thinking to myself "hurry up already so i can peeeeeeeeee!" And waiting there like 15 minutes for them to leave, and then another person comes in! And another. So then if i'm there waiting too long, i eventually give up. It really sucks to feel like you have to pee, and then can't, and then you have to walk around with the pee feeling, knowing that you can't pee if you tried to. The hardest thing for me though is when i go to the doctor and they ask me to pee in a cup. I absolutely can never do that. I always try to and it just won't come out, so i have to take the cup home with me to pee in. I think trying to hurry up and pee, makes it impossible for me to pee.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Here's what I recommend. This is my own "exposure therapy" suggestion. The next time you're in a crowd, fart. Slowly, silently let one out. And don't run away. Keep doing this and in time peeing will be no problem. Guarenpeed...teed.


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## bornshy (Jan 12, 2013)

*book*

just received my copy of book by Steven Soifer, called SHY BLADDER SYNDROME.

Half way through it..brilliant..tears haven't stopped flowing since i started reading it..

because of my shy bladder..i have even stopped going to funerals..thats how bad it is for me..

i can go swimming..long walks..but have to watch what i drink..
i have become so good at avoiding going out socially..and holding on to my pee for hours..

but all that has changed now..

i do have a steep hill to climb..not going to be easy..as i am finding out..


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## SandyInfinity (Feb 7, 2013)

i cant pee when im being hurried or watched or mad


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## SurfinDead (Jan 29, 2013)

Yeah, I have this. It's definitely rooted in a noise issue for me, as I have no problem going when there is ample noise. One of the things I've told my therapist about. She hasn't quite broached that part of it, but I fully plan on using gradual exposure therapy to solve it. I'm not sure there is any other way.

It started about 3 years ago for me, just random as hell. I never had a problem using public restrooms, didn't prefer them but I'd use it if I had to. I was at a job that I had at the time, went to the restroom. It had two urinals, one guy was using one already, so I stepped up next to him to commence piss. Yeah, just kind of stood there with my dick in my hand, complete lack of noise. Super embarrassing, have avoided them for the most part ever since. Doesn't seem to effect me when I'm drunk though!

I'd be interested in reading you post a journal of sorts about it, I may join in as well.


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## ToucanSam (Mar 22, 2012)

^as you've found out, avoidance is key to making anxiety stick!

The fact that you can pee when you're drunk is an indication that your exposure therapy might be fairly straightforward: since you are confident in your ability to go, say, after 5 beers, then you can gradually begin backing off until you're able to pee with zero beers.

For example, if you can pee fine after 5 beers, then it's also likely that you can pee fine after 4 1/2 or maybe even 4 beers. Maybe things start to get a little dicey around, say, three beers; in that case, you know that your threshold is somewhere between 3 and 4, and you can work that region over a number of weeks until you can comfortably pee after only 3 beers, etc.


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## SurfinDead (Jan 29, 2013)

ToucanSam said:


> ^as you've found out, avoidance is key to making anxiety stick!
> 
> The fact that you can pee when you're drunk is an indication that your exposure therapy might be fairly straightforward: since you are confident in your ability to go, say, after 5 beers, then you can gradually begin backing off until you're able to pee with zero beers.
> 
> For example, if you can pee fine after 5 beers, then it's also likely that you can pee fine after 4 1/2 or maybe even 4 beers. Maybe things start to get a little dicey around, say, three beers; in that case, you know that your threshold is somewhere between 3 and 4, and you can work that region over a number of weeks until you can comfortably pee after only 3 beers, etc.


Thanks for the advice man. I'm going to lunch tomorrow, so I'm thinking instead of what I'd typically do (make sure I use the restroom immediately before leaving, and watch what my liquid intake) I'm going load up on water beforehand, so I really feel the urgency out in public. Kind of force myself to use a public restroom. I think it's definitely a good idea to have a high sense of urgency, especially in the beginning of gradual exposure therapy. Then, I can work with moderate, then mild urgency.

Even if I am not successful tomorrow, I won't let it get me down. I will seei even attempting it to be a sign of improvement!


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## ToucanSam (Mar 22, 2012)

loading-up beforehand is a great strategy! Unfortunately, I usually choose the typical avoidance route (starve myself of fluids and then pee before leaving the house).



> Kind of *force* myself to use a public restroom. I think it's definitely a good idea to have a high sense of *urgency*, especially in the beginning of gradual exposure therapy. Then, I can work with moderate, then mild urgency.


that's actually backwards for most folks. I can't tell you what exposure strategy is best for you, so run it by your therapist first. The conventional wisdom is baby-steps, because exposure therapy has uneven powers: if all goes well, it can improve your anxiety by an inch, but if things go south, then it can worsen your anxiety by a mile. Alot of this stuff is counterintuitive, so what seems like common sense might actually make things worse. Unduly pressuring oneself in exposure situations is often counterproductive; your words *force* and *urgency* suggest you may be pressuring yourself to fix this problem too fast, probably out of frustration or impatience.


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## In a Lonely Place (Mar 26, 2012)

This has played a large part in ruining my life and that's all i have to say about that


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## Lacking Serotonin (Nov 18, 2012)

Yeah I hate that crap. I feel like I have to piss a river and can't piss for the life of me.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Use potty protection papers to prevent tropical diseases.

Then....

put more toilet tissue in the bowl to muffle the tinkle. It works every time!


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

Yup, whenever I'm dropping a log I always use that toilet tissue trick.


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