# Very depressed.. starting college as a freshman?



## Dka28 (Aug 19, 2014)

I'm sorry this is going to be long, but I really, really need some major advice and help, and I would really appreciate it. I'm feeling very depressed and sad right now and wish I were dead.

I'm a girl and I start freshman year of college on the 27th, which is only a few days away. I have very severe social anxiety along with agoraphobia, depression and panic attacks. My parents are pretty much forcing me to go to college. I know I want to go to college, but not right away. I hate everything about myself and can't function normally, and think I need a break to help better myself. I'd like to lose weight, get therapy, and raise money for plastic surgery( please don't tell me not to, because I've already been so damaged by the hurtful comments I've gotten, even from random people calling me ugly and my own brother saying I look hideous). I'm currently on 20 mg of Prozac and .5 mg of klonopin, which I've started a few days ago. But I'm still feeling like **** and a nervous wreck.

I've procrastinated with the payment plans and now I have to pay a little over $1,300 by the 27th or I can't dorm. My family is really poor so I have no idea how we'd raise that. I feel so guilty with my parents running themselves into debt because we can't afford anything. Our income is less than 20,000 for 4 people. But living at home would also be hell, because I don't get along with my parents and I feel my agoraphobia and depression would only get worse. 

If I dorm, I KNOW I will end up having a nervous breakdown. I feel like everyone will hate me. I can't even function because of my social anxiety. When I had to take a placement test at the college, and I was walking around on campus looking for the testing room, there were barely 5 people around me and I could not look up and felt like I was going to start crying from the anxiety. I just can't talk, which is how if was in high school. I know everyone will hate me at college, I'm just at a breaking point. If I lived at home, it would be like high school all over again, no friends and spending all my time studying and being on the computer.

I've tried explaining to my parents my situation, but they keep telling me that I should think positively and keep my head up high. They just DONT understand these problems I'm dealing with. 

To give you an idea of how bad my SA is, I don't remember the last time I went outside before I started working and HAD to go outside, I keep my head down when I walk. I just can't talk when I'm around people, my throat closes up. I get so anxious I almost start crying.

I just don't know what to do with myself... I have a job at macys that I would rather work at to raise money. My parents think I'm a failure if I don't go to school. I have no choice but to go, they are making me go. I just want to kill myself, I cant even describe how depressed I'm feeling right now.

Please PLEASE help, I can't stop crying and I feel horrible. What should I do? :'(


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## themolehillismine (Aug 7, 2014)

Can you take a year out of study? That way you can save up to pay for college as well as do the other things you want, like have plastic surgery, lose weight etc. Of course this would realistically mean staying at home but you could always try to get more hours in at work to get out the house. Also, how about taking up running or walking? This would get you out the house, the exercise will boost your mood and you will lose weight. Explain to your parents that you are not ready to go to college because you are depressed and have social anxiety that is serious enough to require medication and therapy. 

Also, tell your brother he's a d***.


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## nataliej (Sep 23, 2013)

Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. 

Maybe for your classes you could take online courses. Or if your college doesn't offer them, maybe talking to your parents about applying for a different college that offers them. That way your parents would be happy, there wouldn't be as much anxiety, and you would have time to work and save money.

Also, if you're looking to get therapy and it's an issue of money there are usually community counseling centers nearby colleges.

Getting outside and running or walking as themolehillismine said is a good idea, and spending time doing things that make you happy like listening to your favorite songs, practicing a hobby, etc. And a little quote I like to remember when I'm feeling really bad is "this too shall pass".


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## Hoodie Allen (Aug 9, 2012)

My best advice is to stop fortune telling, and assuming that everything is going to be the worst. It sounds like there is a good chance that your situation sucks, with u saying how bad your SA is, but give it a chance. Make sure you get some support through on campus counseling if they offer that.

IMO college is great prep for the real world, in that you're on your own, with a bit of pressure and you're navigating the world socially. But at the same time it's really a segue into life so it's supposed to be somewhat relaxing comparatively.


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