# Any specific ideas how to get rid of eye contact phobia?



## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Remove my eye contact phobia, and I will consider my SA gone. Yes, it's that severe and destructive.

I've thought about the sources, about the whole mechanism, but just thinking won't cure this phobia.

The only exercise I think would be beneficial is to look someone I know in the eyes for extended period of time. For 5 minutes or so.

Any other ideas? Thanks.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Why am I not doing that exercise yet?

Oh, that would be the most adrenaline pumping 5 minutes in my life. Very hard to prepare for this.


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

I've had so many problems with this since I was in elementary school. These days, I've been trying to do better by looking at the cashier in the eye whenever I'm ordering food. That's about it. Something about it is so hard for me. I hope someone has some thoughts or solutions for this.


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## TorLin (Nov 14, 2006)

http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/eye-contact-phobias.html


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## sigh (Apr 13, 2009)

um have you tried looking at other parts of there face first like nose.. maybe that would make it easier?


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## Micliph (Dec 28, 2008)

some girl told me she had the same problem. she said that intense focusing on your own forehead while having eye contact helped.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

To sigh and Micliph,
these are the most popular and straightforward methods for improving eye-contact. But these techniques are for those who want to FAKE eye-contact and not really HAVE it.

I mean, there's no need just to act to appear normal and outgoing. My goal is to feel comfortable looking straight in the eyes and focusing on them.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

TorLin said:


> http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/eye-contact-phobias.html


Will check it. Thanks.

Edit:
Quote from the site:
That means you're getting 7 products of unbelievably beneficial programs and manuals worth $235 for only $77.

Doesn't sound solid.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

JMX said:


> I've had so many problems with this since I was in elementary school. These days, I've been trying to do better by looking at the cashier in the eye whenever I'm ordering food. That's about it. Something about it is so hard for me. I hope someone has some thoughts or solutions for this.


I always look to cashier's eyes too even though that makes buying stuff 10 times more intense. 

I got another idea for eye-contact exercise. Looking someone in the eyes for a long period through sun glasses.


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## Mnster (Oct 2, 2008)

The only way out is just to accept it. People will be more weirded out without eye contact then if you did eye contact.

I usually just pretend like the person is physically blind and they can't see me as I stare right into their eyes. Obviously, I do the occasional glance away during long conversation to not weird people out. I often pretend my eyes are my best feature and people want to get a look at my gems.

Sometimes SA takes over and I just can't do it. But, I've made huge strides by locking on. People respected and accepted me much more at work. So much so I feel remotely normal now. I know people are a lot less, "whats wrong with him". They also grasp what is coming out of my mouth much better.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Mnster said:


> The only way out is just to accept it. People will be more weirded out without eye contact then if you did eye contact.


Well... what exactly do you mean? I can accept the fact that I have trouble with eye-contact and won't be expert at it. But living with extreme phobia in peace doesn't sound possible to me. 



Mnster said:


> I usually just pretend like the person is physically blind and they can't see me as I stare right into their eyes. Obviously, I do the occasional glance away during long conversation to not weird people out. I often pretend my eyes are my best feature and people want to get a look at my gems.


Yeah, it has to do a lot with believing. I have this belief that my eyes get large and scary when I look people in the eyes. Well, guess what? The belief is the cause itself...

The other times I have this belief that people are penetrating me and getting inside. Not that they'd find something bad inside, but I just don't want to lose control or something.

What are your damaging beliefs concerning this fear?


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## TorLin (Nov 14, 2006)

AndyLT said:


> Will check it. Thanks.
> 
> Edit:
> Quote from the site:
> ...


sorry. just trying to help


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

It's odd though. Whenever I'm at home, I have a very hard time making eye contact with my parents, but none at all with my cats. I suppose it's because cats don't have as complex emotions as humans do, so maybe I'm less fearful of them. It's interesting how cats actually try to make eye contact with their owners though. (or, at least my cats do)


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## Hmmmm.. (Jan 4, 2009)

AndyLT said:


> Remove my eye contact phobia, and I will consider my SA gone. Yes, it's that severe and destructive.
> 
> I've thought about the sources, about the whole mechanism, but just thinking won't cure this phobia.


I'm in exactly the same situation. I never used to even think about eye contact until I developed SA, and now it makes me _so_ uncomfortable. :um

I think that my problem is that I'm actually overthinking the whole process of eye contact, hence making it unnatural.

When I'm speaking to someone I'm always thinking about eye contact, and whether im doing it right. Whereas people who dont have eye-contact issues are usually thinking about what the other peson is saying, and not where they are looking.

I'm gradually trying to overcome the problem by trying to maintain eye contact with people more often, but that fact that I make a concious effort to do this reinforces the fact to myself that I have a problem with it, which makes the eye contact forced, lol. Catch 22 :roll

One thing which I think helps a little when speaking to people is to focus on their face and facial expressions, as a whole, instead of making a conscious effort of staring into their eyes.


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## kake (Apr 11, 2009)

Mnster said:


> The only way out is just to accept it. People will be more weirded out without eye contact then if you did eye contact.
> 
> I usually just pretend like the person is physically blind and they can't see me as I stare right into their eyes. Obviously, I do the occasional glance away during long conversation to not weird people out. I often pretend my eyes are my best feature and people want to get a look at my gems.
> 
> Sometimes SA takes over and I just can't do it. But, I've made huge strides by locking on. People respected and accepted me much more at work. So much so I feel remotely normal now. I know people are a lot less, "whats wrong with him". They also grasp what is coming out of my mouth much better.


I have a friend who has a brother who is blind. That would be a nice place to practise!


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

kake said:


> I have a friend who has a brother who is blind. That would be a nice place to practise!


Yeah, I even thought that my future wife could be blind so I would feel at ease with her.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Hmmmm.. said:


> it makes me _so_ uncomfortable. :um


Uncomfortable? I feel like in the middle of busy highway during such moments.



Hmmmm.. said:


> I think that my problem is that I'm actually overthinking the whole process of eye contact, hence making it unnatural.


That's absolutely true. The cause is the reason. Or the reason is the cause. 
Catch 22.



Hmmmm.. said:


> One thing which I think helps a little when speaking to people is to focus on their face and facial expressions, as a whole, instead of making a conscious effort of staring into their eyes.


Dunno... that sounds like one of escape/defense tactics. I've developed many tricks but they don't solve the problem, just mask it.

Two questions for you:
- Have you ever tried prolonged eye-contact experiment?
- What do you believe people think about your eye-contact? Why do you think it's important for you to control it?

And give me your skype/ICQ/etc. contacts please.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Ok, first step taken. I bought very cheap sunglasses today and I plan to take them to tonight's poker night. It will be a nice experiment.


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## childofsolitude (Mar 30, 2008)

A couple of things.

1.) Focus on the conversation.
2.) Relax your eyes (almost like you're smiling with your eyes).
3.) Realize that most people I've encountered don't have complete eye 
contact during the entire conversation (some look away, some look at other parts of the face, etc.) Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.


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## Sillouhette (Nov 16, 2008)

AndyLT said:


> Remove my eye contact phobia, and I will consider my SA gone. Yes, it's that severe and destructive.
> 
> I've thought about the sources, about the whole mechanism, but just thinking won't cure this phobia.
> 
> ...


I don't understand what you are saying. Can you rephrase?


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Sillouhette said:


> I don't understand what you are saying. Can you rephrase?


Maybe someone with better English skills can do that for me.
For me it sounds as clear and understandable as it can get.


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

Mnster said:


> I usually just pretend like the person is physically blind and they can't see me as I stare right into their eyes. Obviously, I do the occasional glance away during long conversation to not weird people out. I often pretend my eyes are my best feature and people want to get a look at my gems.


Good advice, I'll have to try that.

I think part of the reason I don't like looking at people's eyes is because I feel like I'm inflicting my ugliness on them, and if I don't look at them, they won't have to keep looking at me either. Weird. I'm sure it's all hard-wired into social status stuff, which is why it's so hard to force yourself to do it if you feel bad about yourself.


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## Sillouhette (Nov 16, 2008)

Sorry Andy, I just never heard of this phobia before. I have been doing some thinking about it though. Usually a phobia comes from somewhere. Something buried in your subconcious. Let me ask you this. When you were a child and when and if your parents yelled at you when they were angry, did one or both TELL you to look at them while they were berating you? You know :mum "LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! " :mum I know my Mum did that to me. She did that to everybody she was angry at, even my Dad. She was a bit of a dominating Bully. :afr I can thank HER for the multitude of phobias I have now. :um

I myself am not a huge fan of making eye conact either but I do it. Briefly. I don't linger and gawk. I think that makes people uncomfortable too. To much eye contact can cause blindness. :b Just kidding Andy. :yes

Maybe when you have too. Look for details in their eyes. That'll keep your mind off your fear. What colour are their eyes? Any flecks in the iris? Do they have long eyelashes? What are their brows like?? Nice or shaggy? I know wierd eyebrows make me flinch. Geeze man, get out the lawn mower! :no

Maybe if you just say to yourself. I will look into their eyes 3 times. When we first start talking, halfway through and at or near the end. And there ya go. That's enough. :um Anymore than that?? Why would you have to??


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## Desperate (Apr 3, 2009)

I have a hard time looking at people in the eye and when I do, I end up blushing and just embarrass myself. I still try to look at some people in the eye.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Hehe, very energetic and dynamic post. 


Sillouhette said:


> Usually a phobia comes from somewhere. Something buried in your subconcious. Let me ask you this. When you were a child and when and if your parents yelled at you when they were angry, did one or both TELL you to look at them while they were berating you?


Probably, there was no such moment. The only time my parents were discussing my eye-contact was with my elementary teacher. They said something like: "Yeah, he doesn't do much eye-contact while talking". Nothing special or distressing.

I believe there could have been some awkward/scary moments with strangers. Something like: "What are you looking at?!". But I can't recall any specific situation, so I doubt they affected me much.

Now if we go forward to my 17s or 18s, there is the first moment of intense eye-contact shock. I got it while being under the influence of psychedelic drugs. I had some troubles and anxieties with eye-contact the next day, but the feeling vanished eventually.

3 years later eye-contact anxiety caught me by the balls hard and never released since. There was a guy in the university who had some problems with eye-contact too. He made me aware of my own eye-contact and crazy catch22 cycle started.

My first girlfriend way way back before told me that my big beautiful eyes was the best feature. Uff, things can change, huh?


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Grrr... I can't gather enough nerve to ask my roommate to do the exercises...

5 minutes of constant eye-contact would be more than I get through the whole month... daaamn...

Ok, I go to the shop... return... and discuss with my roommate about the exercises...
Andy... don't be noob.


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## madee (Apr 26, 2009)

Hmmmm.. said:


> I think that my problem is that I'm actually overthinking the whole process of eye contact, hence making it unnatural.


That's me too! What made me feel better was knowing that it's expected that you break eye contact every once in a while to make it less intense. Also, if I'm feeling particularly awkward, I pretend to think very intently about something and look up and to the left or something.


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## Cheeky (Apr 1, 2009)

Just concentrate on their foreheads - they won't be able to tell the difference.
Gradually work on looking them in the eye over time :}


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## Sillouhette (Nov 16, 2008)

Now that I think about this a little more.......Isn't Eye-Contact over-rated?? I mean what's the big deal? Just another way to make people feel guilty about NOT doing. :sus I think it comes from job interviews. If you don't make eye contact with the interviewer you don't get the job. People aren't trained monkeys. Or ARE they? :sus


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Sillouhette said:


> Now that I think about this a little more.......Isn't Eye-Contact over-rated?? I mean what's the big deal? Just another way to make people feel guilty about NOT doing. :sus I think it comes from job interviews. If you don't make eye contact with the interviewer you don't get the job. People aren't trained monkeys. Or ARE they? :sus


Ok, I don't want to do eye-contact just because I'm supposed to.

The thing is, eye-contact makes like 50% of the communication. Eyes radiate emotions in the most sincere way. And without eye-contact it's nearly impossible to have warm and intimate relationships in my opinion.


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## Hmmmm.. (Jan 4, 2009)

AndyLT said:


> Two questions for you:
> - Have you ever tried prolonged eye-contact experiment?
> - What do you believe people think about your eye-contact? Why do you think it's important for you to control it?
> 
> And give me your skype/ICQ/etc. contacts please.


Hey, I forgot to check back on this topic, so I'm a bit late in replying to your questions.

*Have you ever tried prolonged eye-contact experiment?*

I personally haven't tried the prolonged eye contact experiment, but I think if I did try the experiment with someone it wouldn't be sooo bad because I would have to explain to them about my problems with eye contact..so I probably wouldn't be thinking so negatively about what the other person was thinking during the experiment. :sus

Afterwards, when I went about my daily life, and talking to strangers, I think it would still be a problem for me.

I have noticed that I find eye contact with some people a lot easier than with others.

*What do you believe people think about your eye-contact? Why do you think it's important for you to control it?*

Well, I mainly think that it makes me look uncomfortable and unconfident. :afr

I generally don't have a problem speaking to people, it's just that I dont like people staring at my eyes. Which is why maintaining eye contact is such a big part of my SA. I also think it makes other people feel uncomfortable when they are talking to me as they can see how uncomfortable I am speaking face to face.


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## arne (May 28, 2009)

The OP describes my situation perfectly. Whenever I have to make eye contact, it makes me uncomfortable. Even when speaking to my girlfriend. I become self conscious, and that makes whoever I'm speaking to uncomfortable too (and thus a vicious circle starts, where I notice I'm making them uncomfortable which makes me even more self conscious). 

I've found that when I speak to someone who's wearing sun glasses, or I'm wearing them myself, it's like my SA is gone completely and I feel like "myself". Unfortunately wearing sun glasses all the time isn't really an option.

I've noticed that really concentrating on what they're saying helps, but it's really difficult at times because I keep remembering that I should be nervous.. which then makes me nervous :-(

Like someone said, I don't want to use tricks like staring at their nose etc.. I want to make actual eye contact, but without feeling self conscious.


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## lull (Feb 14, 2008)

I can barley look into my own eyes...


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## alohomora (Apr 5, 2009)

I used to have trouble making eye-contact. However, I recently discovered that eye-contact actually makes me *more* comfortable rather than *less* comfortable in social situations...especially if I do it *immediately* when I see a person. I discovered that avoiding eye-contact to ease my anxiety actually caused *more* anxiety.

When I don't look someone in the eye, I am either ashamed of myself or imitating the behavior of someone who is ashamed of him/herself. By daring myself to look at the person, I am exposing myself like, "here I am, I am someone to be accepted, I am not ashamed of myself so don't be ashamed of me." It also decreases the tension between myself and the other person. When I don't look at someone, it builds up so much tension between us which keeps accumulating in time to such an uncomfortable level. Then I start to obsess over what they might be thinking/feeling because I didn't see their facial expression. Then my anxiety just keeps increasing. On the other hand, if I observe my surroundings and pay attention to people, it reduces the mystery. I believe mystery and uncertainty is the cause of many obsessive and anxious thoughts.

Edit: one more thing. Sometimes I'm afraid of making the other person uncomfortable like some people said...but it's normal to look away periodically. You don't have to look at the person for very long when you're having a conversation. In fact, if I'm really trying to concentrate on what someone is saying, I will look down briefly to eliminate any visual distractions...and that's fine.


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## fearlesseyes (Jul 8, 2009)

Good advises here. For me this phobia is most harmful with women. It is painful to see women starting avoiding eye contact because of my forced attempts. At the moment of this forced act my eyelids open more and that clearly is uncomfortable for the other person (my Auntie has same problem, so I know how it looks). 

But my phobia comes and goes. Periodically I can look people in the eyes for weeks or even months and it comes naturally then. It is all about having them eyelids relaxed, as somebody here already wrote. I do social dancing (no alcohol involved) and it is just amazing how eye contact is so much more powerful than body contact in triggering intimate connection.

I have also noticed that other problems in life wipe away this phobia. It can be just a little, short lived thing, or something bigger. Once I thought of having a serious life threatening sickness and looking people in the eye was the easiest thing to do during that period. 

You should also try to hang in there just to "get over the barrier". If you can keep your focus over the point where you normally would shift, then you should be more likely fine. 

Oh well, it is just about looking in the eyes, can be such a problem!? We are human and capable of developing ourselves and if one really wants to, eye contact phobia can be overcome. I am starting on it today (it is phobia phase now), and once it is done, it is time to tackle my urination phobia )


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## epril (Mar 24, 2009)

Eye contact has always been extremely difficult for me. Even with my own children. Are you supposed to just look into one eye? Not eyes, because then I feel that I look cross eyed. I also feel very strangely that I'm being pulled into the person, kinda like it's way too intimate, like the only way to stop it is to have sex with the person. Not that I do, I just feel totally uncomfortable, overtaken. I absolutely can not concentrate on a conversation if I'm practicing eye contact. I can only do one thing at a time. And it is practice because it is never natural. 

Other cultures don't make such a big deal out of eye contact. I wish our culture was like that.

Edit: don't feel that sex part with my kids, duh! Just trying to explain the intensity. So uncomfortable, I can't wait for it to stop. I do it but only because it is the socially acceptable thing. And I often look away. Otherwise I really feel like I'm staring. Like an out of body experience I'm watching and not taking place in. I can only think about the eye. Weird.


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## fearlesseyes (Jul 8, 2009)

At its best, eye contact is sex, the dimension is just different. Everything around just disappears. When I get that feeling, I consider being in a healthy phase. (Of course, don't get that with your - or anybody's - children). 

But if you cant concentrate on talking at the same time, then it must be a problem. I can concentrate better on talking with good eye contact. I have had some pretty intense eye to eye talking sessions with Russian and Arab people and it is easy with them because they come so natural with it. Arabs come 10 cm from your face. That's intense! 

Anyway, today I started practicing. The victim was my flat mate. I jumped straight on his eyes, saying nothing. Gosh, I realized of never having really looked at him. He freaked out, thought I had lost my memory and was thinking who he is. Did not warn him first what it was about.

Going to continue with him.


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## jane (Jan 30, 2006)

Concentrate on ONE eye, not both. Try it.

(Or you could try looking into someone's eyes until they look away. (Then stop staring at their eyes. Don't keep staring, it'll be weird))


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Maybe try staring into your own eyes in the mirror for 5 minutes at a time until you get used to it before moving on to looking into your friends' eyes. I'm going to try this myself. And then I'll try the sunglasses thing (how did that go by the way?).


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## epril (Mar 24, 2009)

I can look someone in the eye with dark sunglasses on because I know they can't see where I'm looking.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I have trouble looking at my family members in the eyes, nevermind strangers. 

I have alot of trouble with eye contact as well.


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## fearlesseyes (Jul 8, 2009)

I think sun glasses will just make it worse.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

I've been doing lots of eye-contact recently. Damn how frustrating it is...


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## artoflife (Mar 6, 2012)

*Parallel rocessing of mind*

hi friends i m new here and this is first post
i have same eye contact problem, when i was in 11 standard, i shifted to new school, i have no friends there i was like the odd out, then its become difficult for me to talk to any body and this eye contact problem start increasing. now its become too difficult for me make eye contact with my friends, parents and to strangers
and i have strange problem, people sitting with me become uncomfortable, i keeps on looking them as if they are going hit me (fear kind of thing going in mind)
guys anybody know how can i free from this problem


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## sickofshyness (Oct 18, 2011)

I heard that you can start by looking at peoples eyebrows-so they kind of think you are looking in their eyes. IDK-just heard that and thought it wsa a good idea to try- to begin.


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