# Building a social life



## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

Hi everyone, 

I wanted some advice and was wondering whether anyone is going through something similar.

Quick summary; Since moving town when I was 10 I became extremely shy, finding it difficult to make friends. Throughout secondary school I had a couple of "close" friends and even with them I was very quiet and whole school years would pass with me only going out socially about 5 times. Basically I had very low self-esteem and would worry about having nothing to say to people so I withdrew and spent a lot of time alone.

Coming to university I was hoping for a fresh start. I have made about 1 close friend (whom I live with.) and a number of acquaintances. My anxiety comes from my lack of social experiences; I see other people who have friends from home/good group of friends at uni and I compare this to myself with no friendship group of my own. This really gets me down as I imagine what other people must think of me having had no close relationships; don't even get me started on boys! I went to an all girls school and have no experience in that department; I want to change this but am having a tough time just feeling i have no friends atm. 

I went to a short CBT course this year which definitely helped me to see things in a new light but I am constantly fearing what people must think of my lacking social connections which makes me stressed to be in social situations - round we go!

I have one more year of university and my goal is to build a social life for myself. 

Has anyone got a similar story / managed to turn things around?

over n out!


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## Mr snooze (Feb 11, 2014)

Dont worry about it u'll meet people whom you'll connect with at somepoint in your life , Atleast u have a close friend  i personally dont need "group of friends" i just need 2-3 good friends then ill be satisfied. Well you can always ask your close friend to introduce u to some of her friends.



marmaladeontoast said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Has anyone got a similar story / managed to turn things around?
> 
> over n out!


Im pretty sure there are alot of peeps here shares the same dilemma and im one of em  , college level wasnt so bad for me i guess , i was neutral to everybody in my class , i had 3 loner buds whom i hangout with , thank god , but not really friends just good acquaintances, After graduation i got depressed i guess and rotted for almost a year , currently im struggling on trying to maintain relations with my old friends from highschool , as i feel like they are busy with their lives and are drifting away already , cant do **** about it coz im a bit awkward , havent done anything significant in life and i dont know what to say most of de time .Hopefully this year i can get my fresh start abroad and get a job -.-


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## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

Hey Mr snooze

thanks for the reply, have just seen it now. 

Yeah I hope I will but I have this constant voice in my head telling me I'm inadequate for other people as they'll see my antisocial life and judge me...

Have got to stamp it away but it seems to always be there! you'll probs think i'm mad talking about voices in my head ha (but then we all have a voice in our head) I'll stop there ha. 

hope you get that fresh start - sounds exciting!


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

I go places alone all the time, and I carry my extremely negative self image from my formative years with me everywhere. It might not always be right at the surface, but its never far off.

Its a negative feed back loop. We need reprogramming. I'm trying to talk to girls above all else. I hardly ever talk to guys when I'm out and about. I think I need friends more than I want them. For now I've met a couple of new acquaintances, so thats in the right direction anyways.

I KNOW I just have to keep going out, saying a few things here and there, and slowly build back some trust, confidence, etc.


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## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

Yeah I do enjoy do things by myself - often easier than doing things with others! - but I to need to control the negativity. 

So true! For me it's about getting OUT of my head because that's when I'll be able to at least try and connect with other people. 

Definitely. Sounds good, I'm going to try and join some sort of club/classes and just get out there more. little by little!


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

Well do u also feel u are not allowed to hangout, like its the cool kids at bars and you are not cool? Thats big in my head cause some of my old close "friends" were the most popular types, but they treated me mostly bad.

Also now I'm afraid to look at 2 girls cause I think they are mad at me cause I bet they know I like them...even tho I don't know them. And they are beautiful so I assume popular too.

Are we like the highschool losers that think no one likes us still so we instead don't talk people much so we are just the loners that don't talk much like we saw growing up ???

I see others like me in the bar area.....I think they are weird/crazy....so do they think I'm crazy too?????? Do "normal" others think I'm crazy ? Of the people u see how many of the 'normal' people do u suppose are the ones to worry about ?

I don't worry about those girls except but are they plotting against me ? Or just playing games with the broken guy or did I imagine all this stuff them and I don't talk about ?


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## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

For me I wish I went out more. I rarely go out due to not having people to go out with and when I do get an invited out, I get anxious just thinking about it (if its with a group of people). 

At school i used to think there was like this line between seperating the 'cool' kids from everyone else, but looking back on it now they were often just the the most confident/friendly/approachable types - the essence of popularity i guess! So I don't feel restricted in hanging out, just nervous/afraid because i don't do it much.

You can't guess other peeps thoughts, mind readings impossible! - hmm i'm sure they're plotting against you! you're probably just imagining your worst case scenario. Like when I imagine how terribly a conversation could go.

No, don't think of yourself as a loser! I think it's important to be kind to yourself and encouraging to yourself. I'm learning/trying to accept who i am - and stop comparing myself to others cos at the enda the day there's only one me! 

p.s I think we're all a little crazy,


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## corbeaublanc (Jan 29, 2013)

marmaladeontoast said:


> Yeah I do enjoy do things by myself - often easier than doing things with others! - but I to need to control the negativity.
> 
> So true! For me it's about getting OUT of my head because that's when I'll be able to at least try and connect with other people.
> 
> Definitely. Sounds good, I'm going to try and join some sort of club/classes and just get out there more. little by little!


You gave good advice to yourself. Try being a social chameleon (Like I...not really a social butterfly.) Chameleons can blend into a group, therefore meeting other groups at times. Of course, this has it's downside; and may take courage to 'let go.' 
I guess I just find it "easy" in a way. However, maybe my advice would hurt you. :| I form 'acquaintances' and then I see who may be willing to listen and be a _true _friend. Being a chameleon; I let my negative reaction towards others fly away, and I try to connect with them even on an acquaintance level. This has allowed me to make amends with some enemies I've had. So it helps to be open minded . Again-I'd like to bring up that I don't try to look for meaningful friendships first. They will show themselves eventually.


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## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

Yeah , when i'm not completely down and gloomy about the state of things I do try to be positive and tell myself things like this to calm down  I've been going round in circles for too long though! 

That's a pretty good idea actually - like not to putting so much pressure on yourself to be able to communicate with everyone etc . I've just spent soo generally avoiding prolonged contact with people (i.e my course peers at uni) . My confidence's been slowly getting better - but then i guess we all have our ups n downs!

excuse me while I go morph into a chameleon


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## Maiq (Dec 1, 2011)

Try to build a social circle around that close friend of yours. You could hang out with her around campus when you can. Y'all could eat lunch together or study or maybe even take a class together if possible. If she has a lot of friends then she will probably run into them a lot on campus. I think that would be the easiest way. Also if you see any of those other people you know around campus say 'hey' to them, or if you're feeling bold try and start a conversation. Other then that you could always try to find some club that you might be interested in.


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## marmaladeontoast (Apr 2, 2014)

Hi Maiq thanks for the reply,
Yeah in fact the only times I've been out socially this year has been with her and her course friends who are nice. My uni's not a campus uni - everyone lives off campus so you rarely bump into people. And this is their last year , and I have a further year of study so I will kind of be starting all over next year as it were. I do intend to finally join a club - even if it is my final year!


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*LUCK. nothing else*

passers by

It fits absolute biological logic

The construction industry I deeply wish I was part of
New buildings look good and die
like all animals and people do

Nice start. Looking good. Crumbling later or sooner. Fertile ground.
I've seen demolished becoming brown dirt reused

Retail property replaced. The human upward reverse of history makes original ideas improve slowly

Time machine: decisions to be old-fashioned or contemporary

How long will planets last? Growth or recession?


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## Maiq (Dec 1, 2011)

marmaladeontoast said:


> Hi Maiq thanks for the reply,
> Yeah in fact the only times I've been out socially this year has been with her and her course friends who are nice. My uni's not a campus uni - everyone lives off campus so you rarely bump into people. And this is their last year , and I have a further year of study so I will kind of be starting all over next year as it were. I do intend to finally join a club - even if it is my final year!


Well it's good that you're going out. And If you feel that you're friend is close enough to you maybe you can open up to her. It helps to talk to someone and if she knows she might help you out more with meeting people. I've never joined a club before but I hear that those help. Good luck next year too! I still have another two years.


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