# Women that have never been in a relationship



## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Is this very uncommon especially for those aged 25 and older? Where are you at?

I've noticed that many of the women on this message board claim to have social anxiety and never go out but they still have boyfriends/husbands. If I were in a relationship my life would be so much better. I'm so lonely and wish I had someone. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on life. 

To those of you ladies in relationships, you are so lucky. Social anxiety is much worse when you have no one.


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## velvet1 (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm almost going to be 21 and never been in a relationship either. I guess I'm kind of unlucky when it comes to finding someone that understands me. Not sure what kind of advise to give you, all I can say is to stay strong/positive about it.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Thanks velvet1.

Seriously, how did you ladies that have bad social anxiety and never leave the house manage to find someone to marry you???

If I could just get into a relationship and get married my social anxiety wouldn't bother me as much. I wouldn't have to worry about growing old alone. I already feel abnormal because I have such a hard time being comfortable and fitting in with others. Being 26 and never having been in relationship makes me feel even worse. I feel like such a loser. Sometimes I just cry because it makes me so sad.


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## terra (Feb 12, 2007)

I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship. I have never had a boyfriend, never went on a date, never kissed/hugged/held hands with a guy. I do feel abnormal because of it. I feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship because my lack of prior relationships will raise a big "red flag" to any prospective partners. I'm sure his friends/family would say, "why has she never had any friends? And no relationship experience?" and would speculate as to what sort of defect or issues I must have. And really, I can't blame other people for thinking, "what is wrong with her?" I would be wary about getting involved with someone who had limited or no connections to other people, because to be honest, it is very abnormal. People can say, "oh, it's okay, you're just a late bloomer when it comes to relationships" or "don't let what other people think affect you--some of us aren't on target with our peers and that's okay." I wouldn't blame a guy for not wanting to get involved with me--I mean, who wants to deal with someone who is socially stunted, and for who every experience will be new and thus probably handled with laughable ineptitude? 

It would be nice to have someone around, but right now, it's just not going to happen. Nor will it happen anytime in the near future. It's too "advanced" for me, socially speaking, to have a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend, I have no doubt that my anxiety would be better--I'd have someone to take me out, and I could socialize with his friends. So, yeah--I don't think being in a relationship would be a problem, it's just that getting into one is an insurmountable hurdle I don't know if I'll ever be able to pass.


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## VivaEmptinessRoses (Mar 31, 2010)

First off, I thought I was the only one too. I cant understand either how a lot of women on this site have social anxiety and are able to have boyfriends/husbands. I am 22 and never been in relationship. I cant offer any advice either because I have no experience really, but all I have to say is thanks for sharing. Because it lets me know that I am not alone.


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## velvet1 (Aug 11, 2010)

When I go out, I try to interact and do my best while going out. Even while doing that it doesn't seem to make a difference :blank. Than I see others who don't seem to interact that much, have an easier attracting without even trying. So that could be it, not trying to looking for it and moving forward with your life. The more you think about it the more it slows you down. Sometimes it comes later for others and quicker for others. Nothing shameful about being single in your late 20's. Don't let comments of others bother you.


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## terra (Feb 12, 2007)

VivaEmptinessRoses said:


> First off, I thought I was the only one too. I cant understand either how a lot of women on this site have social anxiety and are able to have boyfriends/husbands. I am 22 and never been in relationship. I cant offer any advice either because I have no experience really, but all I have to say is thanks for sharing. Because it lets me know that I am not alone.


Oh, you are definitely not alone! A lot of people don't want to talk about it because it's very uncomfortable--it dredges up a lot of feelings and thoughts and emotions that are easier to supress or sweep under the rug. Thoughts and feelings such as shame, embarrassment, feeling abnormal, etc. Relationships are a loaded topic.

I also can't understand how a lot of people here have boyfriends or husbands in their lives. In order to get a boyfriend, you've got to go through a lot of social interactions that I myself could never imagine going through: having the confidence to go out and meet someone, go on a date with someone, call that someone, etc. If your able to get a boyfriend, then how can you have social anxiety? Yeah, I understand you might be uncomfortable in situations...but it sounds like you're functioning on a good enough level if you can put yourself out there, to meet people and date them and get into relationships. But hey, social anxiety is a continuum...some of us have it more severely than others, but we're all on this board for a reason, so I can't question someone else's social anxiety or say they don't have it, they're just on a different part of the spectrum.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Hi JupiterStarr,
I got very lucky and ended up meeting my boyfriend here (we were friends for several months before we officially got together). We are both very happy with each other but I still suffer from SA (him as well)... If anything it has gotten worse as I have even less of a desire to leave the house and after avoiding everything for so long it's even harder to start up again (though it always is). The comfort of being close to someone can help other low moods. But my anxiety, shyness and crap-social skills are still the same as when I had no one at all. Oh well. 

I felt exactly like what other posts here talk about, for most of my life and the first 3 years at SAS I found it so strange and foreign that someone with SA would have a partner, as if it somehow instantly makes them wiser, cope better, suffer less than others, or that they must have to be very beautiful/confident/open/funny (or whatever great quality I lacked) to be with someone.. Buuut now i know those aren't true, hah.

Sorry I don't have much good advice on meeting people, I've never really pushed myself enough. Seeking out people or going to places where there are people who have similar interests or hobbies to yours seems like a good start to me. Getting help for your SA (and depression?) also is essential I think... Finding coping strategies, distractions, or maybe immersing yourself in your passions or stuff you enjoy more might help lessen the loneliness or worry you feel, even if it's just temporarily.
Anyway.... I wish I had better advice but I'm still clueless about this stuff. =/ 
Best of luck with everything, JupiterStarr.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

JupiterStarr said:


> I've noticed that many of the women on this message board *claim *to have social anxiety


Nice.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

JupiterStarr said:


> I've noticed that many of the women on this message board claim to have social anxiety and never go out but they still have boyfriends/husbands. If I were in a relationship my life would be so much better. I'm so lonely and wish I had someone. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on life.


I've been in a "man drought" for a while... but I have been in long-term relationships before. Some of us are blessed enough by circumstance to find the lids to our pots - in other words, to find those who are similar to ourselves. Being exposed to a large number of people in your age group, and with similar interests, like in high school or college, really helps. Once I got out into the workforce, things changed. It really is just the luck of the draw. And since there are so many of us on this board, it _seems_ to happen more than is reality.

That said, I'd much rather be single than in a miserable relationship!


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

terra said:


> I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship. I have never had a boyfriend, never went on a date, never kissed/hugged/held hands with a guy. *I do feel abnormal because of it. I feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship because my lack of prior relationships will raise a big "red flag" to any prospective partners.* I'm sure his friends/family would say, "why has she never had any friends? And no relationship experience?" and would speculate as to what sort of defect or issues I must have. And really, *I can't blame other people for thinking, "what is wrong with her?" I would be wary about getting involved with someone who had limited or no connections to other people, because to be honest, it is very abnormal.* People can say, "oh, it's okay, you're just a late bloomer when it comes to relationships" or "don't let what other people think affect you--some of us aren't on target with our peers and that's okay." I wouldn't blame a guy for not wanting to get involved with me--I mean, who wants to deal with someone who is socially stunted, and for who every experience will be new and thus probably handled with laughable ineptitude?
> 
> It would be nice to have someone around, but right now, it's just not going to happen. Nor will it happen anytime in the near future. *It's too "advanced" for me, socially speaking, to have a boyfriend.* If I had a boyfriend, I have no doubt that my anxiety would be better--I'd have someone to take me out, and I could socialize with his friends. So, yeah--I don't think being in a relationship would be a problem, it's just that getting into one is an insurmountable hurdle I don't know if I'll ever be able to pass.


I feel like this. I don't feel like a "real" grown up since I've never been in a relationship. I know that having not been in a relationship at my age is sick and abnormal. I'm a weirdo



VivaEmptinessRoses said:


> First off, I thought I was the only one too.* I cant understand either how a lot of women on this site have social anxiety and are able to have boyfriends/husbands. *I am 22 and never been in relationship. I cant offer any advice either because I have no experience really, but all I have to say is thanks for sharing. Because it lets me know that I am not alone.


I'm happy I made this thread. I see I'm not alone and I agree with the bolded and underlined. I just don't get it.



terra said:


> Oh, you are definitely not alone! A lot of people don't want to talk about it because it's very uncomfortable--it dredges up a lot of feelings and thoughts and emotions that are easier to supress or sweep under the rug. Thoughts and feelings such as shame, embarrassment, feeling abnormal, etc. Relationships are a loaded topic.
> 
> *I also can't understand how a lot of people here have boyfriends or husbands in their lives. In order to get a boyfriend, you've got to go through a lot of social interactions that I myself could never imagine going through*: having the confidence to go out and meet someone, go on a date with someone, call that someone, etc. *If your able to get a boyfriend, then how can you have social anxiety? Yeah, I understand you might be uncomfortable in situations...but it sounds like you're functioning on a good enough level if you can put yourself out there, to meet people and date them and get into relationships. But hey, social anxiety is a continuum*...some of us have it more severely than others, but we're all on this board for a reason, so I can't question someone else's social anxiety or say they don't have it, they're just on a different part of the spectrum.


Bingo! My feelings exactly. A woman that's normal and able to be in a relationship, unlike me, is light years ahead of me. They're much better off and couldn't be doing that bad.



nothing to fear said:


> Hi JupiterStarr,
> *I got very lucky and ended up meeting my boyfriend here (we were friends for several months before we officially got together).* We are both very happy with each other but I still suffer from SA (him as well)...


Thanks. If you don't mind me asking how did you and your boyfriend meet? I mean did he approach you? Did you approach him? You are lucky indeed.



Neptunus said:


> I've been in a "man drought" for a while... but I have been in long-term relationships before. Some of us are blessed enough by circumstance to find the lids to our pots - in other words, to find those who are similar to ourselves. Being exposed to a large number of people in your age group, and with similar interests, like in high school or college, really helps. Once I got out into the workforce, things changed. It really is just the luck of the draw. And since there are so many of us on this board, it _seems_ to happen more than is reality.
> 
> *That said, I'd much rather be single than in a miserable relationship!*


I agree but I've never been in any relationship before. I'd just like to experience being in a relationship. I want to be normal. Being in a relationship right now seems so impossible and like a dream. A lot of women that have been in relationships tell me this and I agree. Who's wants to be in a bad relationship? But I'd like the experience of being in a healthy relationship just like normal women. I want experience being in relationships just like normal women.

Thanks for the responses.

I've been feeling really depressed about this for the past week. Sometimes I wish I were never born and feel as if my life is a big waste. I spent a portion of yesterday afternoon crying. I haven't felt this sad in a while.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Neptunus said:


> That said, I'd much rather be single than in a miserable relationship!


Amen sister!

To the OP, it is possible to have SA and to also have relationships. I haven't had like hoards of men in my life, but I have managed to overcome my SA long enough to have a couple LTRs. People have varying degrees of SA.

But I've been backsliding a lot with my SA recently, and it's been over a year since my last relationship. I understand how you feel, and how depressing it can be.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Thanks au Lait. Sometimes I think perhaps I'm just too unattractive for men to like. I don't know. I hope you find someone soon too (considering that's what you want of course). It's very depressing. I've cried so much over this.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> Sometimes I think perhaps I'm just too unattractive for men to like.


I'm sure it's not that.

Sometimes it's hard for men to approach women, and I think those of us with SA tend to seem more unapproachable. For example, I tend to avoid eye contact and get a worried expression on my face when I'm around people I don't know. I think that makes me come off as uninterested or aloof, when in reality I'm really just feeling anxious. From a guys perspective, I can see how they may not want to try and talk to me, because all of my anxious body language sends out huge DO NOT ENGAGE signals.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

au Lait, I think you're right. I feel very uncomfortable, almost afraid of guys. I tend to avoid eye contact and tense up.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

I have mild SA and had my first boyfriend at 17 and my first serious boyfriend at 20. These experiences made me more comfortable around men and I stopped feeling insecure about my love life. However, I clung to these guys and never made any good girlfriends so, once these relationships ended, I was back where I started. I had relationship experience under my belt but it didn't make it any easier to talk to strangers or ask someone to be my friend. I think getting social experience with anyone is good for people with SA. If you feel insecure about not having experience I would start with someone who is also inexperienced and "work your way up." Sounds weird I know but they are easier to have relationships with than people with a lot of social experience.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

To those of you that just responded thanks for understanding.



NoSocialButterfly said:


> I definitely relate to your post. I am 26 and have never been in a relationship. So many of the poeple I know from high school are married and have kids. So, I guess by society's standards we are not normal, are we? *When I start thinking about all of this it's really depressing to me. Really, I think I've given up on ever finding anyone. *There's no way I'm ever going to be able to actually let my guard down with anyone. I have so many things that I feel insecure about. For me, I think being in a relationship would be far too stressful. *How would I be able to consider someone else's feeling, wants, and needs when I am so self-absorbed?* Still, at 26 I have no idea what I want out of life. The main goal I have, though I do nothing to try to achieve it, is independence. * I want to know that I can take care of myself. That doesn't even seem like that is going to be a possibility (still living at home with my Dad).*


I'm sorry you feel this way. Have confidence. I'm sure you are more than capable of caring for yourself.

I just don't want to give up hope in finding someone. To me "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". I'd rather be dead than have to remain single for the rest of my life.

Even though I've never been in a relationship I feel the need to share my life with someone else and have someone else to care about. I'm so sick of being forced to only focus on myself when I'm so interested in having someone else to think about. I don't think I'm selfish at all. I enjoy caring for others. This makes me even more depressed about being single.


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## Nutnutnut (Jun 2, 2007)

Before having a relationship, you should already be whole as a person. You shouldn't depend on relationships to fill the gaping hole in your heart, that's something you can only do from the inside out, not the outside in.

I also think someone should learn to walk before they try to run. Learn to make friends before you even think about relationships. Dealing with friends is a lot more simple than dealing with a partner. You should start with the simple things.


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## Recipe For Disaster (Jun 8, 2010)

> Before having a relationship, you should already be whole as a person. You shouldn't depend on relationships to fill the gaping hole in your heart, that's something you can only do from the inside out, not the outside in.


 i have told myself this as a reason not to pursue relationships before, since there are so many personal issues i'd like to workout first. however, what if you never reach the point of feeling whole? should you never have a relationship then?


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## Jayne311 (Aug 20, 2009)

I'm 21 and have never had a relationship either. I've never kissed a guy or held hands with one. And I don't see that changing any time soon. The sheer amount of energy it would take up to maintain a real relationship is too exhausting to comprehend. And that's just maintenance; there is also so much work in going out and meeting people and developing connections. I've heard a lot of sarcastic comments in my life about how relationships suck and one group saying they don't want to waste any more time with the opposite gender, because it's too much of a hassle. If that's the case, I wonder why I should even try.


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## firestar (Jun 27, 2009)

I'm 23 and in the same situation as everyone else. I haven't even bothered trying to be a "girly girl" and do things like wear makeup, style my hair, or wear heels because I know it will never matter. As long as I have SA, I'll never be able to have a romantic relationship.


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## small (Oct 30, 2010)

I didn't have a relationship either until I was 23 (almost 24) and I felt very abnormal. I was afraid of what people might think if they knew. But my boyfriend (my first and also my current boyfriend) never thought or felt like there's something wrong with me. I still don't like other people to know he's my first boyfriend because I find it embarrassing but I want all of you to know that most people won't think you're abnormal. A friend of mine has never had a relationship until she was 27 and now she met a guy and he has no problems with her inexperience. 

I just wanted to say I understand how you girls feel because I was always single and felt like a freak about it but no normal (meaning kind and good) person would think you are not normal. And also, I was very depressed, anxious and afraid of everything when I met him and that didn't bother him. Actually he encouraged me to see a psychiatrist.


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## thewall (Feb 1, 2009)

small said:


> I didn't have a relationship either until I was 23 (almost 24) and I felt very abnormal. I was afraid of what people might think if they knew. But my boyfriend (my first and also my current boyfriend) never thought or felt like there's something wrong with me. I still don't like other people to know he's my first boyfriend because I find it embarrassing but I want all of you to know that most people won't think you're abnormal. A friend of mine has never had a relationship until she was 27 and now she met a guy and he has no problems with her inexperience.
> 
> I just wanted to say I understand how you girls feel because I was always single and felt like a freak about it but no normal (meaning kind and good) person would think you are not normal. And also, I was very depressed, anxious and afraid of everything when I met him and that didn't bother him. Actually he encouraged me to see a psychiatrist.


That's good to hear.


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## ZeroG64 (Oct 14, 2010)

WHY do people put so much focus on relationships. Sure I can understand the desire, that is normal. But I can assure you the grass is always greener...

It is better to be happy and comfortable with your own company than it is to be tied down to someone you've grown apart from and too scared to leave for fear of loneliness/inability to cope. Trust me, that is much worse. Self independence is one of the best things you can have in life.

If you learn to love yourself then someone will come along in life that loves you too. It will happen.


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## CrunchyCarrot (Feb 13, 2009)

I propose that this be the anthem. What say ye? All in favor?


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

I'm sorry to read about those of you that have given up hope on finding someone. I hate being single so bad it's depressing me. I'm eager to please, want badly to share my life with someone, and am not overly picky.

Sometimes I wonder should I give up too since this is depressing me so much but it's hard for me to get over these feelings of wanting to share my life with someone and my fear of growing old alone and in complete social isolation.



Nutnutnut said:


> *Before having a relationship, you should already be whole as a person.* You shouldn't depend on relationships to fill the gaping hole in your heart, that's something you can only do from the inside out, not the outside in.
> 
> I also think someone should learn to walk before they try to run. *Learn to make friends before you even think about relationships. *Dealing with friends is a lot more simple than dealing with a partner. You should start with the simple things.


Hmm...Well, I think it's human nature to want to be in a relationship. I believe it's important for all of us to grow and develop and this is a life long process. Having the experience of being in a relationship also helps us grow, develop, learn about ourselves and become a whole person. I'm missing a very big chunk of life experience that most adults have by the time they're my age. This makes me feel incomplete and as if something is missing from my life.

I finally did gather up the courage a few years ago to make friends. I have very few friends but we still talk and go out occasionally. I'm known as the "shy, quiet" one, but I'm just happy someone likes me. I'm still kind of inhibited around them. I've asked my friends if they know a single young man that they can introduce me to and strangely none of them do even though they are all in relationships or married themselves. Sometimes I feel as if I'm cursed and destined to be single.



small said:


> I didn't have a relationship either until I was 23 (almost 24) and I felt very abnormal. I was afraid of what people might think if they knew. But my boyfriend (my first and also my current boyfriend) never thought or felt like there's something wrong with me. I still don't like other people to know he's my first boyfriend because I find it embarrassing but I want all of you to know that most people won't think you're abnormal. A friend of mine has never had a relationship until she was 27 and now she met a guy and he has no problems with her inexperience.
> 
> I just wanted to say I understand how you girls feel because I was always single and felt like a freak about it but no normal (meaning kind and good) person would think you are not normal. And also, I was very depressed, anxious and afraid of everything when I met him and that didn't bother him. Actually he encouraged me to see a psychiatrist.


Aww, that's so sweet. Lucky, lucky you. I pray I meet someone as kind and caring.


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## CrunchyCarrot (Feb 13, 2009)

JupiterStarr said:


> I'm missing a very big chunk of life experience that most adults have by the time they're my age. This makes me feel incomplete and as if something is missing from my life.


I feel this way. It's hard not to. There's a lot of good advice in this post. I suppose it's all about baby steps. Loneliness sucks (in fact, I want to punch it in the face), but you have to go through a process in order to be able to even get to the point of even seriously entertaining the idea of being with someone.


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## Strategist (May 20, 2008)

ZeroG64 said:


> It is better to be happy and comfortable with your own company than it is to be tied down to someone you've grown apart from and too scared to leave for fear of loneliness/inability to cope. Trust me, that is much worse. Self independence is one of the best things you can have in life.


:agree:agree:agree

I started my first relationship at 22/last year. At the time I was really depressed from an unfortunate chain of events in my life and I was more concerned with making friends than having a boyfriend. I only had one friend left, a guy, who eventually asked me out. I resisted for a month for a couple reasons, one being I am afraid of intimacy, but he was persistent and I finally agreed to go out (that sounds really unromantic but there you have it).

Anyway, part of me feels that if it weren't for the depression I would not have gotten into a relationship with this guy (because I had always preferred to be single), or at least I would not have looked to him to fulfill the emptiness in my life. I felt 10 times more needy and depressed being in a relationship than I had before. It was as if I thought he had some responsibility to make me feel good about myself and my life and he wasn't. This needy feeling is wearing off a bit now that we have been together a year but I feel like I've lost some of my independence and I am afraid of being alone, which I never used to be.

So what I am saying is I agree with the previous posters who said the grass is always greener on the other side and that it is better to try to fix your depression before getting into a relationship - but it is not impossible to get in a relationship even at your lowest point.


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## ZeroG64 (Oct 14, 2010)

^ yes, thank you exactly.

I do not think it is wise to get into a relationship at your lowest point either. Obviously relationships are two way things, it's not just about what can someone give you, if you are looking for a man to make you happy and to fill this gaping hole in your life then you will have given away all your self independence and put it into the fate of another person. Think what can YOU offer to another person, do you feel you have anything to offer? If the answer is no then I would advise against a relationship, simple. That's just my opinion anyway.

You can easily get into relationships when you are at a low point, it is when you are most needy and probably desperate, but more importantly most vulnerable and that can be a bad thing. Living by yourself, learning to enjoy life being single is important before you enter a relationship, else you can get stuck in some horrible positions, and it's just a waste of time and life.


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## cubanscorpio (Jun 30, 2010)

this is an interesting thread. rarely seen insights from women's perspective on living with SA. almost makes it seem like women are actually human beings... xD jk


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

LaRibbon said:


> 26 and never had one either. Not sure I ever will. Not sure what I think about that. I think i've accepted it, but perhaps I'll have a nervous breakdown over it at some point lol. I don't know... I don't think of it too much except that* it puzzles me how my life has turned out this way. Puzzles me. On paper, i'm educated, average looking / slightly odd appearance but not ugly, not overweight, i'm nice, I have my heart in the right place. *I'm just so shy i'm weird i guess. *I'm not really sure how I'm going to live this life alone,* but it's turning out that way whether I like it or not.


Not only are we the same age but you've just expressed my thoughts exactly.

Perhaps it's _*uncommon*_ and strange for women without social anxiety to have never been in a relationship but not for those of us with social anxiety? Now I see I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm so used to reading things from the perspective of those without social anxiety. It's interesting reading from those that have my same issues.

When I first started reading these forums it appeared as if many of the guys were single and unhappy; yet, the women were married or in a relationship despite having social anxiety (which in my opinion couldn't be that bad considering they were able to get a partner).


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

Hi this is my first post here and I actually found it by typing in google mid 20's never been in a relationship and found this post. First I would like to say it's nice to know I'm not the only person in the same situation and I'm not the only person that feels absolutely pathetic about it. As a guy I know exactly how it feels. It's not like I'm some weirdo either. I work out, work full time, have my own place. I'm not a bad looking guy either. Sure I'm no model but I'm at least better looking than sloth from the goonies..... I think lol. I have an excellent sense of humor. But I have social anxiety and I am petrified to put myself out there. And I can't deal with the fact everyone is so far ahead of me experience wise. Don't get me wrong I have some physical experience but not all the way and I can count the instances on one hand. But I feel like such a loser being compared to every other guy shes has been with, like I can't compare. I feel like a little kid and the few times I actually let women know about my lack of experience they got incredibly patronizing. And I get more pathetic than just that. I was in love with someone for over two years though I never met her. I actually met her randomly on a similar website. She made a post titled shipwrecked on virgin island. She sounded just like me so I decided to sign up and reply, turns out she was from the Bronx, NY and I was from Queens, NY. For years we spoke online almost everyday till the wee hours of the morning. Going to work on 2 hours of sleep or staying up 24 hours straight talking to her was normal. This basically went on for 2 years and she became my best friend. I never had a connection like that with anyone. Because of her I quit smoking and went back to college. For the first time in my life I had hope and happiness seemed achievable. And back in February she stopped going online and I've heard from her once. I thought I finally met the girl of I was meant spend the rest of my life with only for it to end with no closure. So I gotta deal with that and I think about her everyday. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone with just me and my 37 pet cats lol. But seriously it sucks it sucks a lot. I would give anything to meet someone just as lame and pathetic as me. The whole relationship thing and being intimate is new to me. I want to share it with someone where it's new too and not just going through the motions like everyone else is. Just I would give anything in this world to be able to share my life with them, someone to be intimate with, someone to hold. I'm not stupid, I know relationships open up a whole new set of problems and it won't make life better or easier. But it beats being alone. I'm sorry for the long drawn out story and I don't know if this was women only just it felt good to vent.


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## cubanscorpio (Jun 30, 2010)

welcome to the SAS forums LonelyGuyFromQueens. I too found this site by googling something relating to SA but not specifically about it and then found a home here in the website. i hope you do too  sorry to hear how that 2 year thing you had with that girl just ended like that. i can imagine how that musta felt. 
anyway welcome again to the forums


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

If any lady here is 30-35 and has never been in a relationship...look me up :lol.
j/k - I wish you the best, though.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

just to add to the sentiment of this thread- I'm 22 and never had a legitimate relationship. The closest thing I had was a super awkward, brief three dates with a guy I met online that I ended, because it didn't feel right (<<there were more specific reasons than that, but I don't want to rant too much). 

I'm glad this thread exists though- just so I can see that other women go through the same or similar feelings over the issue.


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## Ysonesse (Dec 25, 2009)

Great. said:


> Anyway, part of me feels that if it weren't for the depression I would not have gotten into a relationship with this guy (because I had always preferred to be single), or at least I would not have looked to him to fulfill the emptiness in my life. I felt 10 times more needy and depressed being in a relationship than I had before.


Yep. I felt this way too. Then I started worrying about the relationship ending, because I was always so terrified I could never find another guy. Of course most relationships end, and you're alone once again. Then the insecurity really sets in, and you start going into panic mode about trying to find another person to be with. It's...vicious, when you're trapped in the cycle.

Then of course it gets even more insane if you're with someone who's abusive...but that's a whole other issue.

Short story long: decide why you want a relationship. Because if it's just to be with another person, you're possibly making yourself a target for worry, heartache, and God knows what else.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

cubanscorpio said:


> almost makes it seem like women are actually human beings... xD jk


nah, we're actually all just really lifelike fembots. :b


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

millenniumman75 said:


> If any lady here is 30-35 and has never been in a relationship...look me up :lol.
> j/k - I wish you the best, though.


Except none of them are anywhere close to Ohio.

Well, first one to my house wins... me. 

(At least jealousy won't be an issue if you are both each others first bf/gf.)


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## small (Oct 30, 2010)

LonelyGuyFromQueensNY said:


> Hi this is my first post here and I actually found it by typing in google mid 20's never been in a relationship and found this post. First I would like to say it's nice to know I'm not the only person in the same situation and I'm not the only person that feels absolutely pathetic about it. As a guy I know exactly how it feels. It's not like I'm some weirdo either. I work out, work full time, have my own place. I'm not a bad looking guy either. Sure I'm no model but I'm at least better looking than sloth from the goonies..... I think lol. I have an excellent sense of humor. But I have social anxiety and I am petrified to put myself out there. And I can't deal with the fact everyone is so far ahead of me experience wise. Don't get me wrong I have some physical experience but not all the way and I can count the instances on one hand. But I feel like such a loser being compared to every other guy shes has been with, like I can't compare. I feel like a little kid and the few times I actually let women know about my lack of experience they got incredibly patronizing. And I get more pathetic than just that. I was in love with someone for over two years though I never met her. I actually met her randomly on a similar website. She made a post titled shipwrecked on virgin island. She sounded just like me so I decided to sign up and reply, turns out she was from the Bronx, NY and I was from Queens, NY. For years we spoke online almost everyday till the wee hours of the morning. Going to work on 2 hours of sleep or staying up 24 hours straight talking to her was normal. This basically went on for 2 years and she became my best friend. I never had a connection like that with anyone. Because of her I quit smoking and went back to college. For the first time in my life I had hope and happiness seemed achievable. And back in February she stopped going online and I've heard from her once. I thought I finally met the girl of I was meant spend the rest of my life with only for it to end with no closure. So I gotta deal with that and I think about her everyday. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone with just me and my 37 pet cats lol. But seriously it sucks it sucks a lot. I would give anything to meet someone just as lame and pathetic as me. The whole relationship thing and being intimate is new to me. I want to share it with someone where it's new too and not just going through the motions like everyone else is. Just I would give anything in this world to be able to share my life with them, someone to be intimate with, someone to hold. I'm not stupid, I know relationships open up a whole new set of problems and it won't make life better or easier. But it beats being alone. I'm sorry for the long drawn out story and I don't know if this was women only just it felt good to vent.


Welcome to the forum, LonelyGuyFromQueensNY! I'm sorry your friendship ended like that. Did you ever ask her why she stopped talking to you at once? Anyway, no reason to give up, just because this relationship ended!


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

small said:


> Welcome to the forum, LonelyGuyFromQueensNY! I'm sorry your friendship ended like that. Did you ever ask her why she stopped talking to you at once? Anyway, no reason to give up, just because this relationship ended!


I e-mailed her several time and sent her messages on AIM in hopes she gets them if she ever logs on. All I got was one message on she sent me back in April on AIM while I was sleeping, she told me, babe I'm so sorry just know I'm always thinking about you. And that's not the only reason I have bascially given up, probably the biggest reason though. I have no confidence left and I know majority of women find confidence as a turn on and low self esteem as a turn off. And unless the woman is in the same situation, who is goin want to wait around while I learn what I'm doing. It sucks, I can't bare the thought of someone finding out how inexperienced I am.


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## small (Oct 30, 2010)

LonelyGuyFromQueensNY said:


> I e-mailed her several time and sent her messages on AIM in hopes she gets them if she ever logs on. All I got was one message on she sent me back in April on AIM while I was sleeping, she told me, babe I'm so sorry just know I'm always thinking about you. And that's not the only reason I have bascially given up, probably the biggest reason though. I have no confidence left and I know majority of women find confidence as a turn on and low self esteem as a turn off. And unless the woman is in the same situation, who is goin want to wait around while I learn what I'm doing. It sucks, I can't bare the thought of someone finding out how inexperienced I am.


I would never be turned off by someone's inexperience and I think that most women wouldn't either. Actually I would rather be with someone who has lower self esteem than with someone full of himself. As long as he's a good person, and of course, if he is willing to get help (not because I would have a problem with his confidence, but because I think a person has to work on getting better.) and I would try to help him myself. When you meet a woman you can trust, be honest with her and everything will be ok. Any woman who would be turned off by that, doesn't deserve to know you. 
And I'm sure you wouldn't be able to fall in love with such a shallow person.


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## Nightwing (Sep 7, 2006)

I've never had a relationship, and it does make me feel abnormal sometimes because it seems like everyone else at my college has a boyfriend or at least has had one. However, having a relationship has never been a goal for me. It just seems too unrealistic that it'll ever happen.


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## Surrender (Jul 19, 2010)

Welcome to the club. 2 dates, no relationship. Interested in a person who expressed interest in me years ago, who is no longer interested in me and finds me annoying as heck. Go figure. Haha. I guess I'll just try and pursue things that interest me and not worry about a relationship.


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## Eevee (Nov 10, 2010)

I've never been in a relationship and sometimes I feel it would need a miracle for any guy to genuinely like me. I am ugly in appearance and every other girl out there is a thousand times prettier than me. I'm not exciting as a person either.


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## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> For me, independence is the most important thing. I want to be able to at least like and accept myself. Without being comfortable in my own skin, I don't think I could be comfortable with anyone. At the same time, if people do want to be in a relationship, they should go for it. As I've been told by my therapist, I can't keep waiting or thinking about how life should happen, just go for it, do something. You can't keep waiting until everything feels right, or you feel ready to take action.


I have been told this so many times but what happens if i never accept myself? Cos as each day passes i find it hard to even look in the mirror and see myself grow into the adult i never wanted to be.

Do i remain alone for life and just accept that?


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

millenniumman75 said:


> If any lady here is 30-35 and has never been in a relationship...look me up :lol.
> j/k - I wish you the best, though.


How about 29?............:cig:wink


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## alohomora (Apr 5, 2009)

25 female here - no relationship ever


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## ladylone (May 17, 2010)

I'm in the same boat as most of you... 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I didn't really care about having a boyfriend until I was about 18 and now I can't stop thinking about it. It bothers me mostly because everyone that I know is in a relationship with someone & it's like I'm constantly hearing about their relationships. And everyone and I mean everyone is constantly asking me when am I going to get a boyfriend. As if I don't want one.

I really want a boyfriend, but I WON'T give up hope & neither should some of you singles out there. It doesn't matter how old you are, if you have a desire to find someone you will. And just because you haven't yet, doesn't mean you won't ever find anyone. I was glad to read some of the posts from people who were single for a long time and found someone. It has really inspired me to remain hopeful! 

One day I hope to be with someone who was worth the wait.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

ladylone said:


> *I really want a boyfriend, but I WON'T give up hope & neither should some of you singles out there. It doesn't matter how old you are, if you have a desire to find someone you will. And just because you haven't yet, doesn't mean you won't ever find anyone. *I was glad to read some of the posts from people who were single for a long time and found someone. It has really inspired me to remain hopeful!
> 
> One day I hope to be with someone who was worth the wait.


I like this and I agree. Even if I don't find that special person until I'm 40; what matters most is that I find someone.


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## ladylone (May 17, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> I like this and I agree. Even if I don't find that special person until I'm 40; what matters most is that I find someone.


You're right...I'm glad you agree.


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## Michal90 (Nov 11, 2010)

20 here and no relationship. My mother was already married when she was my age. I feel like I will never get married or have a boyfriend.


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## ZeroG64 (Oct 14, 2010)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> For me, independence is the most important thing. I want to be able to at least like and accept myself. Without being comfortable in my own skin, I don't think I could be comfortable with anyone. At the same time, if people do want to be in a relationship, they should go for it. As I've been told by my therapist, I can't keep waiting or thinking about how life should happen, just go for it, do something. You can't keep waiting until everything feels right, or you feel ready to take action.


Yeah that is quite true. Spontaneity is important (something you will find SA people lack) and taking risks is something we should do in life.


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

I hate when the holidays come up because the rest of my family ask where my GF is, like I haven't been trying to meet anyone over the past 26 years. I think I might spend the holidays alone to avoid all that, plus I'll save on the gifts lol. I'm just curious, anyone else try internet dating sities ? I'm on okcupid and I have made ads on craigslist, not proud of posting on CL but desperate times call for desperate measures lol. I haven't had much luck besides a couple of dates that went no where but I found it was a lot easier to get my foot in the door that way.


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## Enola (Dec 13, 2008)

Relationships may or may not help. Some men find shyness endearing but in my case the man I married ended up despising my shyness and making feel as if there was something very wrong with me. He took shots at me whenever he could only deepening the issues I was already struggling with. He had me convinced at times that I was very defective and I felt bad about myself. So if you want to be in a relationship make sure you will be with a person who is compassionate. Of course after several years of his mental abuse I finally got out of the relationship but not before he was able to do damage. Relationships are hard for me and opening up to anyone again is not something I even look forward to anymore.


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## mysterioussoul (Jul 17, 2010)

i've never been in a relationship. i desired to be in one beforehand but now i know that i'm not ready to be in one. if i was lucky enough to have a woman interested in me and would want to be involved with me i wouldn't advance further than friendship. i need to work myself out first. it wouldn't be fair to her because she would have to put up with a lot of my issues. i want to be emotionally and spiritually mature before i allow myself to let someone get close. i have to love and respect myself first before i can do the same for another human being.


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## Attica! Attica! (Oct 8, 2008)

I didn't get a boyfriend til I was 20.. and it totally ate me up. I felt like such a loser for not having any relationship experience at all, I thought if only I could get a boyfriend, I'll have so much more confidence and won't be as awkward around other guys. I'm incredibly lucky and thankful for my boyfriend, but I'm still the same depressive and anxious person I've always been, if not worse...

Having a boyfriend presented a whole new set of anxieties, like having to interact with his friends and family. I'm horribly awkward and quiet around his friends, and I'm sure one or two of them really dislike me. And the worst thing is, I really like his friends, I think they're hilarious and I would love so much to be friends with them and one of them, and if I could just be myself I'm sure I would. I'm a bit better around his family, cause they're a very talkative bunch, but I'm still really quiet and awkward. 

The funny thing is, I made the first move, something I apparently had to be memory-erasingly drunk to do. heh.. this is NOT advice, lol.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

try being a guy sometime and you'll really know what the word "lonely" means


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

stranger25 said:


> try being a guy sometime and you'll really know what the word "lonely" means


I'm pretty sure many of the women here already do understand the concept of loneliness....we are capable of the same exact emotions as men. Just sayin.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

au Lait said:


> I'm pretty sure many of the women here already do understand the concept of loneliness....we are capable of the same exact emotions as men. Just sayin.


I agree. Plus, *stranger25* you're only 19. You still have some time. You're at the age where it seems like most people, well at least for women, meet their partners. Once you're in your mid to late 20s and out of college it's very difficult to find someone. Hang in there.

It seems as if the older I get the more depressing I find being single. Now I actually cry sometimes because I'm lonely and hate being single. I feel very bad for having never been in a relationship at my age. These feelings intensify the older I get. I don't recall ever feeling this bad about being single at the age of 19 but now since I'm 26 I feel horrible. I'm very scared of being 30 and still not having the experience of being in a relationship. I'd like to be married by 30; so, I only have a few years left to find someone. Unfortunately, the older women get the harder it is for us to find someone.


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## ambergris (Oct 15, 2010)

Don't be scared of thirty! Honestly, my twenties were so eaten up with misery that I'd never had a relationship, never been kissed, never had anyone have so much as a flicker of romantic interest in me, etc. etc. that leaving them behind was a blessed relief.

I find that the older I get, the less hung up I become on what everyone else is doing and less worried about how 'weird' and 'abnormal' I am in comparison. Also, I've realised that bad relationships are significantly more common than good ones. People with SA are particularly vulnerable to abusive and exploitative people, because we are more likely to think we'll never find anyone else, or lack the confidence to stand up to someone who is treating us badly. Even in the unlikely event that I'd managed to find someone I was compatible with and there was a mutual attraction, I am fully aware that I would have made a terrible girlfriend. I've been on my own for so long that it would be genuinely difficult for me to accommodate the needs and wishes of another person.

My sister hooked up with someone for the first time a couple of months before she turned thirty. It ended badly and set her recovery back by months, but hey. When I was younger, it would have given me hope that twenty-nine wasn't too late, and that her lack of experience wasn't the massive issue you might have expected it to be. As it is? I'm devoutly thankful that I was spared all that angst.

So yeah. It gets better. Obviously it is easier if you have other close relationships in your life (parents, siblings, friends) and/or do not have a strong libido, but the likelihood is that either you will make peace with the way you are and meet somebody when you least expect it, or you will make peace with the way you are and accept that some of us are just meant to be single.

The most important thing to remember is that nobody is _entitled_ to a long-term relationship. Everybody on the face of this planet has the right not to choose you, the same way you have the right not to choose them. The more you accept that relationships are an accidental blessing rather than a human right, the less bitter you will be about your lack of them (and bitterness, apart from anything else, is profoundly unattractive).


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## Forza Italia (Oct 30, 2009)

What kind of actual steps do some of you take for getting into a relationship ?


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## ambergris (Oct 15, 2010)

As a sidenote, I find it interesting that there are men all over this thread while the women seem content to let the men have their own space in which to discuss never having had a relationship.

It is next to impossible to discuss being a single woman without having single men jump in and say you must be too picky / you've obviously never really tried / women can _always_ find someone / it's soooo much easier for women than it is for men. These statements rarely come across as helpful, even if they are intended to be so.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Thank you *ambergris* for your words of wisdom.



ambergris said:


> As a sidenote,_* I find it interesting that there are men all over this thread while the women seem content to let the men have their own space in which to discuss never having had a relationship.*_


You bring up a good point. After noticing that most of the threads geared towards being single had mostly male posters I decided to make one for women. I was starting to wonder if I was just unusual as a chronically single woman.



ambergris said:


> It is next to impossible to discuss being a single woman without having single men jump in and say you must be too picky / you've obviously never really tried / women can _always_ find someone / it's soooo much easier for women than it is for men. *These statements rarely come across as helpful, even if they are intended to be so.*


I agree. They can be pretty hurtful actually...


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## accepting myself (Jun 27, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> Is this very uncommon especially for those aged 25 and older? Where are you at?
> 
> I've noticed that many of the women on this message board claim to have social anxiety and never go out but they still have boyfriends/husbands. If I were in a relationship my life would be so much better. I'm so lonely and wish I had someone. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on life.
> 
> To those of you ladies in relationships, you are so lucky. Social anxiety is much worse when you have no one.


Sending you cyber hugs :group

I can tell you "keep your chin up, you will meet your special guy soon, etc etc etc" but I know that none of that helps when you are feeling down.


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## n o b o d y (Nov 13, 2010)

*sigh.. what a thread..i don't even know how to respond other than sighing.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

accepting myself said:


> Sending you cyber hugs :group
> 
> I can tell you "keep your chin up, you will meet your special guy soon, etc etc etc" but I know that none of that helps when you are feeling down.


Thank you. I'm feeling a little better today.



n o b o d y said:


> *sigh.. what a thread..i don't even know how to respond other than sighing.


Please elaborate.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

ambergris said:


> It is next to impossible to discuss being a single woman without having single men jump in and say you must be too picky / you've obviously never really tried / women can _always_ find someone / it's soooo much easier for women than it is for men. These statements rarely come across as helpful, even if they are intended to be so.


Thank you so much for saying this. I made a thread on this topic over in the relationships forum, trying to point out how comments like those can be hurtful to single women. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people want to try and understand this concept, and instead try to turn it into some sort of contest over which gender struggles the hardest when it comes to dating.

There are all kinds of people of who struggle with loneliness and dating, so I don't understand why some people are so hell-bent on playing down the pain of others who are in the same boat as them simply b/c of gender. The condescending comments that you listed only end up making our pain that much worse, and can often be really damaging to our self esteem as well.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

au Lait said:


> Thank you so much for saying this. I made a thread on this topic over in the relationships forum, trying to point out how comments like those can be hurtful to single women. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people want to try and understand this concept, and instead try to turn it into some sort of contest over which gender struggles the hardest when it comes to dating.
> 
> There are all kinds of people of who struggle with loneliness and dating, so I don't understand why some people are so hell-bent on playing down the pain of others who are in the same boat as them simply b/c of gender. The condescending comments that you listed only end up making our pain that much worse, and can often be really damaging to our self esteem as well.


I agree.


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## allie j (Nov 11, 2010)

I'm 23 and have always been single (never been kissed, virgin, all that jazz lol).

It bothers me because its on the list of things I'm ashamed about. And it bothers me to think that I'll probably be alone forever.

But right now in the present, I absolutely do not want to be in a relationship. It scares the hell out of me - both emotionally and physically. I hate the idea of having someone that I shouldn't keep secrets from, and that I can't isolate for weeks whenever I feel like it. Also, this is probably embarrassing, but just being touched or looked at even in a 'romantic' way scares the hell out of me. I've lost several guy friends because (usually when drunk) they've started to 'make moves' on me, so I literally run away, and never answer a call or text from them ever again. lol, I'm seriously the most awkward human ever.

I'm bad at friendships too, but somehow I can somewhat sustain them. All of my friends are girls, except for guys that are gay or are unavailable/dating one of my girl friends. I don't make friends anymore with single, straight guys. I know I'm heterosexual, and its completely an anxiety thing.. but its just not something I feel like dealing with right now.


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## Silent Hell (Sep 17, 2010)

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship, asked on a date, or anything. I can't imagine guys would have any interest in me, and I could only become attracted to them if I thought they might like me. I guess I lost hope years ago, and now I hardly even care.


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## hokie horsegirl (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship. I've been on one boring date, but I have had experience with guys, kissed, etc. and it kind of bothers me, in fact, my mom asked me if i was a lesbian because I have never had a boyfriend, which was kind of awkward.

Sometimes when i tell people i've never had a boyfriend they give me this sort of shocked look. Before I was really ashamed and embarrassed and thought that the reason I've never been involved with anyone was because of my looks, but now that those insecurities have passed I now realize that it is just this fear of meeting new people holds me back from putting myself out there, and being scared of being rejected.

I had a kind of painful experience with one guy and the way it turned out kind of gave me a negative outlook on relationships and halted me from really pursuing men, which didn't help at all.

But really, I have some friends around my age who have never been in a relationship, a good friend in particular who is one of the most outgoing social person i know who hasn't even had a boyfriend. It seems like a now a days a lot of people have never been in a relationship and I'm starting to recognize that its okay to never not have been in a relationship, and it's not so much of a foreign idea anymore


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## iuseings (Nov 11, 2009)

I think being a teenager when I met my boyfriend is what caused the relationship. I don't think I would have trouble finding dates or a new boyfriend but I can't even imagine making a friend right now, because I'm so humiliated by my lack of social life, let alone to think about breaking up and going on the search. It also feels incredably tiring to me to think about the "getting to know" each other process. 
Oh and the majority of my relationships did start up on msn chats by mutual contacts... so that's an easy way if you don't have the social group/life to meet people.


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## Magical Delusional (Apr 28, 2010)

I'm 20 and never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never been kissed, etc. It didn't bother me so much before because I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship. But now I feel like I am ready, but the problem is actually going out there and finding the guy. And I'll get in a nice conversation with a guy, chat with him online a little bit, and then completely withdraw myself out of fear. I hate it. It sucks being single, especially when you're all alone otherwise.


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## Rija (Oct 8, 2010)

I have to agree with some of the posts (ZeroG64 and ambergris) which challenge the notion that being in a relationship = normal or happiness (any other adjective/noun of the like). You can not be in a relationship and still achieve the sort of validation (that everyone here seeks) with some sort of support network. 

Why do people convince themselves that being in an intimate relationship is the only way to gain a sense of worth or value? Kind of a restrictive (and unnecessary) way to think about things, don't you guys think? It's one thing to enter a relationship because you want to experience it for some kind of gain. It's another thing though to enter a relationship because you're afraid of what it means not to be in one. That's the pattern I see in this thread, and not just in this thread, but most people I talk to about this. 

And this belief that to be in a relationship is normal and to not be in one is abnormal. You know, I have to challenge this also. I think not ever being in a relationship is normal (or what I presume this word connotes which is legitimate). Sure it may be uncommon, but just because a certain experience is uncommon does not means it's illegitimate. We all have real reasons as to why we've never had a relationship (either too shy, afraid, not interested, poor self-image, etc.). It is the fact that these reasons are real (and understandable) that ultimately legitimizes this experience.


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## Taylor8524 (Nov 14, 2010)

Girls who have social anxiety are keepers I can't stand it when a girl can never shut up. I would love to go out on a date with you if you lived in my area but im sure you don't. I am so lonely and depressed too.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

terra said:


> I also can't understand how a lot of people here have boyfriends or husbands in their lives. In order to get a boyfriend, you've got to go through a lot of social interactions that I myself could never imagine going through: having the confidence to go out and meet someone, go on a date with someone, call that someone, etc. If your able to get a boyfriend, then how can you have social anxiety? Yeah, I understand you might be uncomfortable in situations...but it sounds like you're functioning on a good enough level if you can put yourself out there, to meet people and date them and get into relationships. But hey, social anxiety is a continuum...some of us have it more severely than others, but we're all on this board for a reason, so I can't question someone else's social anxiety or say they don't have it, they're just on a different part of the spectrum.


I feel I have to respond to this by saying that despite my having a boyfriend, the way you portray it happening is really not how it happens for many of us in relationships with SA at all. What I mean by that (and not that I want to open _that_ old can of worms, but hence why I do feel for guys with SA), is that very few of us actively go out there, date around and manage to find someone because we feel confident enough to do it. In my case at least, I basically did nothing... just got swept along with it all, he initiating all the contact and me terrifyingly scraping by until it inevitably started to become less scary. Perhaps a better way for me to put it would be that I'm glad I did actually like him, because I would have been too anxious to express anything to the contrary, I believe! Basically it was all forced upon me in a way I had little control over. I can't really explain it very convincingly, but I'll just say that it could very well happen to any of you one day (yes, really!) and then perhaps you'll understand.

Just as nothing to fear mentioned, when I was single I also couldn't get my head around how relationships can come about when you have social anxiety on the severe end of the scale. Sometimes though, luck just has it that you can end up meeting someone and stringing together just enough words for something to happen, despite all the odds. I was an utter nervous wreck when my now boyfriend approached me but, somehow (it seems insane to me, even now, how it all happened), things just worked out. I can't agree that I was 'functioning on a good enough level', really... just the lucky victim of a fluke. I still couldn't even manage to make it into college more often than not because of my anxiety, still had not one friend, still very rarely left the house (in fact I was basically a recluse the two years previous to meeting him - had been thrown out of school because I couldn't manage to attend, and only ventured out of my house a handful of times for food) etc., just found this amazingly unlikely event happening to me despite all my circumstances. And there were many times I had to cancel because I couldn't face meeting him, believe me, yet he thankfully persisted and eventually we got there.

Sorry if I sound on the defensive, but I guess I am a little. After having both been single and in an extremely dark place because of anxiety and depression, and now in a relationship, I can confidently say that you can certainly have severe SA and yet manage to find yourself with a partner. It might be rare for that to happen, but happen it sometimes does. That's not to say that I don't consider myself extremely lucky, though, because I absolutely do. But I just wanted to express myself on the topic as someone from the 'other side', so to speak. And maybe also, to offer some hope to those of you wanting a relationship but believing it to be impossible since, as I discovered, it just might happen when you least expect it (excuse the cliche, but it's true!).

I also have to strongly agree with Rija; I'd warn anyone who falls into the trap of thinking that a relationship 'fixes' anything or will in itself improve your SA to be extremely careful. Although I'm now better off, depression-wise, my anxiety around people other than my boyfriend is just the same, if not worse, since it's easy to fall into the trap of relying solely on your SO for company, and therefore investing less effort in trying to tackle your SA. You do have to be careful with that.


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## miminka (May 10, 2009)

JupiterStarr said:


> I've noticed that many of the women on this message board *claim* to have social anxiety





Perfectionist said:


> Nice.


:roll


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

ambergris said:


> As a sidenote, I find it interesting that there are men all over this thread while the women seem content to let the men have their own space in which to discuss never having had a relationship.
> 
> It is next to impossible to discuss being a single woman without having single men jump in and say you must be too picky / you've obviously never really tried / women can _always_ find someone / it's soooo much easier for women than it is for men. These statements rarely come across as helpful, even if they are intended to be so.


Well, I would not make any such comments, but don't be put off by the presence of men here. I (and many other men, I would guess) have been lurking on this thread because I find it fascinating when women are talking about stuff.

Now that I've creeped you out, I'll just be on my way.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

au Lait said:


> Thank you so much for saying this. I made a thread on this topic over in the relationships forum, trying to point out how comments like those can be hurtful to single women. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people want to try and understand this concept, and instead try to turn it into some sort of contest over which gender struggles the hardest when it comes to dating.
> 
> There are all kinds of people of who struggle with loneliness and dating, so I don't understand why some people are so hell-bent on playing down the pain of others who are in the same boat as them simply b/c of gender. The condescending comments that you listed only end up making our pain that much worse, and can often be really damaging to our self esteem as well.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

I've been in an 'emotional' relationship with a guy in like 9th grade. :b I didn't speak. At all. But he liked me. Right now we just talk online because he lives in a different state. But I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him. I'd really like to date a girl. Thing is, how does one meet a girl that would date me? I can't tell the Bi and Lesbian women out there.


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## VivaEmptinessRoses (Mar 31, 2010)

Recipe For Disaster said:


> i have told myself this as a reason not to pursue relationships before, since there are so many personal issues i'd like to workout first. however, what if you never reach the point of feeling whole? should you never have a relationship then?


I totally understand this, because I always seem to ask myself the same questions everyday. I am also trying to deal with the issues that I have, but it seems that nothing ever happens. I always attract people who want to hurt me or who want to humiliate me, so I don't know maybe I should get use to being alone.


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## CrunchyCarrot (Feb 13, 2009)

This is a really good thread. I wish there was a way to put threads in a thread hall of fame or something. There are a lot of reasoned, well thought out comments in here. It's refreshing to read it because this isn't something that you talk about with just anyone. I hope I'm making sense.


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## VivaEmptinessRoses (Mar 31, 2010)

CrunchyCarrot said:


> This is a really good thread. I wish there was a way to put threads in a thread hall of fame or something. There are a lot of reasoned, well thought out comments in here. It's refreshing to read it because this isn't something that you talk about with just anyone. I hope I'm making sense.


Yeah, this makes sense. Because I could never talk about something like this to anyone in my life. They just wouldn't understand how I feel, so this thread is somewhat comforting to know that I can express my lack of experience to others who understand.


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## extend (May 11, 2009)

Ape in space said:


> Well, I would not make any such comments, but don't be put off by the presence of men here. I (and many other men, I would guess) have been lurking on this thread because I find it fascinating when women are talking about stuff.
> 
> Now that I've creeped you out, I'll just be on my way.


I too find this thread fascinating because it seems like men and women suffer from very similar symptoms when it comes to SA. Now at least I understand how it is on the other side of the fence. But ladies just a little advice and I'm not trying to be insensitive. All you have to do to get a guy is go to a local bar and sit down. Literally that is it. I can guarantee you that by the end of the night you will be approached by men (if the men in that bar can call themselves men) regardless of how good or bad you think you look. In fact, not having hordes of giggling female friends around you will make it much better because men are intimidated by groups of women while they will gladly approach a single woman sitting alone. I understand that SA will be there full force once you initiate communication with the guy but at least you will be at that stage. Can't guarantee that you will get a relationship but at least you increase your chances of contact.


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> I'd be way to scared to even attempt that. Over the past year or so, I've been approached by several guys. I, however, don't have the courage to go on a date. Even if it was someone I was really attracted to, I'd still say no. Inevitably, he wouldn't like me after getting to know me anyway. I have no experience dealing with relationships, I'm self-centered, and wouldn't be able to sustain a conversation. If it didn't work out, which it wouldn't, I would be left with feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and failure. So, I don't even try. Yet, sometimes, I wish I had someone.


 Have you ever tried online dating sites. It could be good practice in hopes you open up some, and you never know you may meet someone that can relate to your anxiety and inexperience. That's what happened to me, I accidentally stumbled upon a girl who was just like when it came to inexperience and she actually lived 25 minutes from me. Unfortunately after two years of never actually getting to meet her and yet falling in love with her, she disappeared. But she was also incredibly neurotic and she even warned but I thought I could get her to open up. The last part of my story isn't meant to discourage you, sorry if it came off like that but I'm just trying to show you can meet someone that relates to your anxiety and inexperience when you least expect it. Or maybe some of the guys here that also lack in experience you can chat with them and that way you could get some practice deal with males. Maybe the fact the guys that lack in experience might make it a little easier in coming out of you shell.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

extend said:


> I too find this thread fascinating because it seems like men and women suffer from very similar symptoms when it comes to SA. Now at least I understand how it is on the other side of the fence. But ladies just a little advice and I'm not trying to be insensitive. All you have to do to get a guy is go to a local bar and sit down. Literally that is it. I can guarantee you that by the end of the night you will be approached by men (if the men in that bar can call themselves men) regardless of how good or bad you think you look. In fact, not having hordes of giggling female friends around you will make it much better because men are intimidated by groups of women while they will gladly approach a single woman sitting alone. I understand that SA will be there full force once you initiate communication with the guy but at least you will be at that stage. Can't guarantee that you will get a relationship but at least you increase your chances of contact.


I think basically it comes down to one thing.....being that women get opportunities (which can equal success at anytime), while men will have to be the ones who put in all the effort, and take the initiative. The difference is that women get opportunities, which is a big advantage over a guy who is stuck socially.


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

stranger25 said:


> I think basically it comes down to one thing.....being that women get opportunities (which can equal success at anytime), while men will have to be the ones who put in all the effort, and take the initiative. The difference is that women get opportunities, which is a big advantage over a guy who is stuck socially.


 Maybe trying to initiate a relationship may be harder for guys because 99% of the time we're the ones that has to make that initial move but male or female the pain from loneliness hurts just as much. And it's just as hard for a woman in our situation to break out of their shell.


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

NoSocialButterfly said:


> Hey. No, I've never tried online dating. I've got a feeling that would make me incredibly nervous as well. I have been able to talk to a couple people on here more than I have ever have done with anyone before. I'm so afraid to let my guard down. I want to protect myself from getting hurt and feeling awkward, but the cost is being alone. Really, I'm not even sure if I want to be with someone. I don't like myself at all, so how can I expect anyone to want to be with me? I do appreciate the advice, I just don't know if I'm emotionally equipped to handle dating at all.


 Speaking from experience I got hurt like I've never been hurt before. And it still does hurt. And maybe if I wasn't in the situation I'm in I would of been better able to cope with the loss but the two years I had with that person, I wouldn't trade in for anything in the world. I had a very hard childhood that left me incredibly cynical and I didn't like myself all that much either. When she was in my life all the negative thoughts I had were going away. For the first time in 14 years I had hope and I was happy. I started to like things about myself that I never liked before. Because of her I went back to school, when she left I dropped out again but she was there lone enough that I finished my associates. I quit smoking because of her. Maybe things didn't work out but a lot of the feelings you have now, I had as well. I know how hard it is to click with someone but when it did happen a lot of negative thoughts I had about myself suddenly turned into negative thoughts. And as a guy, a lot of things about yourself you think are awkward and weird and you don't like, if the guy really likes ya, he'll find a lot of those things cute.


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## memaddie (Nov 15, 2010)

VivaEmptinessRoses said:


> I cant understand either how a lot of women on this site have social anxiety and are able to have boyfriends/husbands.


I can't make a platonic friend to save my life, but for whatever reason since college started I've been pretty good at communicating with people I have a romantic interest with. I'm super lucky to have an amazing, understanding boyfriend, and I don't know what I would do without him because he's all I have. But I assure you my anxiety is still very real!


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

stranger25 said:


>


I, too, have a video for your consideration.






But seriously though....are you for real with posting a video of some guy talking about how all women have boyfriends and therefore don't know what loneliness is, in a thread filled with many women who are older than you and have never had a boyfriend..?

I'm trying to cut you some slack here, since you're young, but I mean really now. How much more offensive can you be?


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## emptybottle2 (Jan 18, 2009)

*Stranger25, *judging from pretty much every one of your posts, you seem to hate women so much, I wonder why you'd even want to date one.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't hate women. I am just very confused with everything.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

CrunchyCarrot said:


> This is a really good thread. I wish there was a way to put threads in a thread hall of fame or something. There are a lot of reasoned, well thought out comments in here. I*t's refreshing to read it because this isn't something that you talk about with just anyone.* I hope I'm making sense.


Thanks *CrunchyCarrot*. I had to learn this the hard way. A few years ago I naively admitted to a few friends that I felt bad for being single. One of the married ones in the group of friends became very upset with me admitting this and her response was just horrible. I was so hurtful. I haven't mentioned to anyone how I felt about being single since. People that have been in relationships before just do not understand how it feels to have never been in a relationship before.



au Lait said:


> I, too, have a video for your consideration.
> 
> But seriously though....are you for real with posting a video of some guy talking about how all women have boyfriends and therefore don't know what loneliness is, in a thread filled with many women who are older than you and have never had a boyfriend..?
> 
> I'm trying to cut you some slack here, since you're young, but I mean really now. How much more offensive can you be?


*au Lait*, I agree.

*stranger25*, you appear to have a bit of disdain towards women.


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## jmoop (Jul 12, 2009)

I am also in the same boat as many of you ladies. My main problem though is my annoying tendency to push people away as soon as they show a grain of interest. I am so fearful of and unused to the idea of a real relationship with someone else that it drives me away from people, and I hate this. I love to be alone, but this is only because it is comfortable and I'm used to it.

It would take a very special person for me to suspend my instinct to run away, but I'm afraid he doesn't exist or I can't find him.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

JupiterStarr said:


> People that have been in relationships before just do not understand how it feels to have never been in a relationship before.


Let's not forget, though, that those of us who are now in relationships were single too at some point, some of us for a very long time (I've come across people with SA who experienced their first relationship at age 40+, for instance), during which time we may have felt as though we would never find partners. Does that mean we suddenly forget how it felt to be single without much hope of ever finding anyone? I don't believe so. Isn't that kind of like saying, I don't know, that people who have kids now just don't understand how it feels to never have had kids before? Don't they? Really?


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

extend said:


> I too find this thread fascinating because it seems like men and women suffer from very similar symptoms when it comes to SA. Now at least I understand how it is on the other side of the fence. But ladies just a little advice and I'm not trying to be insensitive. *All you have to do to get a guy is go to a local bar and sit down. Literally that is it.* I can guarantee you that by the end of the night you will be approached by men (if the men in that bar can call themselves men) regardless of how good or bad you think you look. In fact, not having hordes of giggling female friends around you will make it much better because men are intimidated by groups of women while they will gladly approach a single woman sitting alone. I understand that SA will be there full force once you initiate communication with the guy but at least you will be at that stage. Can't guarantee that you will get a relationship but at least you increase your chances of contact.


I've been to bars, and sometimes I get approached- sometimes not, but the problem is I don't want just ANY guy to date- I want someone I can relate to- and being an intellectually curious, introverted girl in a sea of mostly party people- it's hard to find someone I'm interested in.

I could have taken the guy that spilled beer on my leg and rubbed it like a creep with no sense of boundaries, and then talked about the meaning of life to me in a very superficial attempt to be deep, but that's the dilemma with bars.

I try to go to Barnes N' Noble and read in hopes that maybe I'll meet someone like minded, but I never get approached there. It's hard to find the sensitive, intelligent and kind type of men I'm interested in.


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

mcmuffinme said:


> I've been to bars, and sometimes I get approached- sometimes not, but the problem is I don't want just ANY guy to date- I want someone I can relate to- and being an intellectually curious, introverted girl in a sea of mostly party people- it's hard to find someone I'm interested in.
> 
> I could have taken the guy that spilled beer on my leg and rubbed it like a creep with no sense of boundaries, and then talked about the meaning of life to me in a very superficial attempt to be deep, but that's the dilemma with bars.
> 
> I try to go to Barnes N' Noble and read in hopes that maybe I'll meet someone like minded, but I never get approached there. It's hard to find the sensitive, intelligent and kind type of men I'm interested in.


We're out there, I just think we live in different states lol.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

LonelyGuyFromQueensNY said:


> We're out there, I just think we live in different states lol.


I guess I need to migrate out to Queens, NY


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## LonelyGuyFromQueensNY (Nov 10, 2010)

mcmuffinme said:


> I guess I need to migrate out to Queens, NY


LOL well I gotta warn ya, parking by me stinks. You haven't lived till you spend 25 minutes looking for a parking spot and still be a mile from home lol. I love ny but I could alway relocate, please tell me its warm where you live lol.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

mooncake said:


> Let's not forget, though, that those of us who are now in relationships were single too at some point, some of us for a very long time (I've come across people with SA who experienced their first relationship at age 40+, for instance), during which time we may have felt as though we would never find partners. Does that mean we suddenly forget how it felt to be single without much hope of ever finding anyone? I don't believe so. Isn't that kind of like saying, I don't know, that people who have kids now just don't understand how it feels to never have had kids before? Don't they? Really?


I see what you're saying, but I'm basing my opinion off of the way that married lady responded to me. I find that women that have been/are in relationships tend to respond really negatively when those of us that have never been in a relationship admit to feeling bad about it. Being in a relationship may not be a big deal to them and it may be easy for them to form them, but not for those like me. It's like many of them just don't understand. I know we've all been single before, but by the way some women that are in relationships respond when those of us that are single voice displeasure in never having been in a relationship you'd think they'd forgotten how it feels.

The way that married lady responded to me was over the top. Based off of her response you'd think I insulted her. As a matter of fact I was a little surprised by the way she responded. She totally went off on me just because I expressed displeasure in being single.

This incident happened a few years ago. I was naive to even tell anyone that I didn't like being single but I learned. In real life I never discuss this topic with anyone. When the topic of relationships come up I remain quiet or try to change the subject if someone asks me.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Then, again, i do try to put myself in others shoes. If I were a normal woman that could form long term relationships I would probably also be irked by someone voicing displeasure in never having been in a relationship because it wouldn't be a big deal to me. I'd probably wonder why won't they just get into a relationship since they hate being single so much. We are all shaped by our life experiences and I'm sure I would be a totally different person had I not spent my formative years being bullied and could have just gotten a partner like most other normal people.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*



JupiterStarr said:


> I see what you're saying, but I'm basing my opinion off of the way that married lady responded to me. I find that women that have been/are in relationships tend to respond really negatively when those of us that have never been in a relationship admit to feeling bad about it. Being in a relationship may not be a big deal to them and it may be easy for them to form them, but not for those like me. It's like many of them just don't understand. I know we've all been single before, but by the way some women that are in relationships respond when those of us that are single voice displeasure in never having been in a relationship you'd think they'd forgotten how it feels.
> 
> The way that married lady responded to me was over the top. Based off of her response you'd think I insulted her. As a matter of fact I was a little surprised by the way she responded. She totally went off on me just because I expressed displeasure in being single.
> 
> This incident happened a few years ago. I was naive to even tell anyone that I didn't like being single but I learned. In real life I never discuss this topic with anyone. When the topic of relationships come up I remain quiet or try to change the subject if someone asks me.


]

Erm...you've got a bigger problem then what some married woman did or did not tell you or say to you. You've got a belief so linked to your identity that you go around saying: "I can't form relationships..." And anyone who questions that belief system "simply doesn't understand". And that's natural, we do defend our belief systems. I defended my belief system that I'd never enter into a relationship until I did enter that relationship.

And on the subject of the married woman: you are making massive sweeping assumptions about what she meant, why she meant it, what she said, what this or that meant...over analysis of one person's response which then leads to the creation of a generalisation about "people not understanding" a belief about you not being able to get into or form relationships.

Those things are constructs and maps of the world. Fine and natural but not evidence of any lack of ability on the forming relationships front.


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## caesarea (Aug 20, 2009)

I just turned 21 and haven't been in a relationship. I noticed a bunch of people seem to have anxiety on the lower end of the scale, so it's not unheard of that they were able to form a relationship. We just tip the scale in the other direction.  

It's not a horrible thing that you're however old and don't have a boyfriend, is what I'm trying to say.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

Hm.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

mcmuffinme said:


> I want someone I can relate to- and being an intellectually curious, introverted girl in a sea of mostly party people- it's hard to find someone I'm interested in..


This right here. People may call that picky... but whatI'm looking for in a relationship is maturity not just fun.


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## Cashew (May 30, 2010)

My SA is worse in a relationship

So many expectations


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## shygal88 (Sep 26, 2010)

I'm almost 22 and never had a relationship.

I think SA does make it difficult because, as my mum says, I don't go anywhere to meet anyone and no one's going to come knocking at my door! I also think I expect the guy to do the work, i.e. come up to me and strike up a conversation, instead of me doing that. But then again, when I rarely do go out to a bar, I only get weird guys who are only after one thing coming up to me, but then they're not interested in conversation!

Ah but these women on here with SA and partners prove that there's hope for us yet!


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## pjb77 (Sep 28, 2010)

shygal88 said:


> I'm almost 22 and never had a relationship.
> 
> I think SA does make it difficult because, as my mum says, I don't go anywhere to meet anyone and no one's going to come knocking at my door! I also think I expect the guy to do the work, i.e. come up to me and strike up a conversation, instead of me doing that. But then again, when I rarely do go out to a bar, *I only get weird guys* who are only after one thing coming up to me, but then they're not interested in conversation!
> 
> Ah but these women on here with SA and partners prove that there's hope for us yet!


Ummm I think that describes most guys on this site.... Females with SA=shy, Men with SA=weird, creep, strange. It's a wonder some men are misogynists. lol


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## RyeCatcher86 (Sep 14, 2010)

pjb77 said:


> Ummm I think that describes most guys on this site.... Females with SA=shy, Men with SA=weird, creep, strange. It's a wonder some men are misogynists. lol


I suggest you read that passage again. This time more closely.


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## Sindelle (Oct 22, 2010)

A lot of men here think we should go to a bar. What they don't seem to consider is that a bar is the kind of environment that would trigger many people's SA. Even if someone came up to me in a bar I think I may not be able to even speak to them, Those kinds of loud, super social situations make me unable to function well. 

And "women don't know what loneliness is"?

All I have to say that little gem is... female agoraphobics who don't leave their house for years at a time tend to get pretty damned lonely. I used to be that way, so I think I'd know how I felt, thanks very much.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

Sindelle said:


> *A lot of men here think we should go to a bar. *What they don't seem to consider is that a bar is the kind of environment that would trigger many people's SA. Even if someone came up to me in a bar I think I may not be able to even speak to them, Those kinds of loud, super social situations make me unable to function well.
> 
> And "women don't know what loneliness is"?
> 
> All I have to say that little gem is... female agoraphobics who don't leave their house for years at a time tend to get pretty damned lonely. I used to be that way, so I think I'd know how I felt, thanks very much.


Not only that, a lot of the men at bars tend to be intimidating and not so nice. A shy timid woman going to the bar all by herself may not be a good idea.


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## pjb77 (Sep 28, 2010)

RyeCatcher86 said:


> I suggest you read that passage again. This time more closely.


I suggest you learn what a cognitive distortion is. Every person cannot openly admit to wanting sex when they approach her. EVERYONE?? That's an overgeneralization. Calling all guys who come up to her weird is also an overgeneralization as well as labeling. If you don't know for a fact why people approach you in a bar you are simply jumping to conclusions and mind reading.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Sindelle said:


> All I have to say that little gem is... female agoraphobics who don't leave their house for years at a time tend to get pretty damned lonely. I used to be that way, so I think I'd know how I felt, thanks very much.


where can those girls be found?


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

Online, I'm always online.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

pjb77 said:


> Ummm I think that describes most guys on this site.... Females with SA=shy, Men with SA=weird, creep, strange. It's a wonder some men are misogynists. lol


A lot of women are primarily approached by creepy or weird guys. They do exist, and the vast majority of the men who have approached me or would attempt to get my attention have been creepy - in fact many of those situations could be considered sexual harassment. I'm not one to make harsh judgments without knowing anything about a person and (maybe because of SA) I'm very perceptive of how other people act, if they are uncomfortable, etc. However, that does not mean I should give all guys the benefit of the doubt because their behaviour _could_ be as a result of shyness, anxiety, or lack of social skills. If I have a bad feeling about a situation and am unsure of someone's intentions, if I feel they seem creepy or weird, then it doesn't matter what their _true_ intentions are and I really don't care, because my personal space and safety are what matters most.

There are many guys who complain about women using the creep label too often, but despite popular belief it really doesn't have to do with potentially being picky, a *****, or judgmental. It's likely because those women have probably dealt with enough bull**** from creeps at some point in their life - being yelled at by groups of men, sexually harassed, followed, maybe even sexually assaulted or raped - that being nice, _just in case_ this weird stranger is actually just shy, is not a ****ing option.

I used to always give guys the benefit of the doubt and I thought it'd be very rude of me to label a guy as a being a creep before knowing him well but over time I realized how wrong and detrimental that mindset can be... It'd lead me to be too nice and only later on did I realize I shouldn't tolerate it when someone is seriously invading my personal space, verbally harassing me, touching me when I don't want them to.. it's not my problem that the person lacks common sense or social skills and it doesn't matter why they do. Many guys who harass women know they are doing it but maybe some don't, and if that's the case they will have to learn eventually that they are acting like a creep...


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## iuseings (Nov 11, 2009)

Taylor8524 said:


> Girls who have social anxiety are keepers I can't stand it when a girl can never shut up. I would love to go out on a date with you if you lived in my area but im sure you don't. I am so lonely and depressed too.


That's an assumption. I'm still a talkative person who loves conversation. I'm only quiet when it hurts to be quiet.


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## iuseings (Nov 11, 2009)

pjb77 said:


> I suggest you learn what a cognitive distortion is. Every person cannot openly admit to wanting sex when they approach her. EVERYONE?? That's an overgeneralization. Calling all guys who come up to her weird is also an overgeneralization as well as labeling. If you don't know for a fact why people approach you in a bar you are simply jumping to conclusions and mind reading.


No offense but you obviously aren't a girl!! :roll I think it's a very safe generalization to state that the majority of men who approach at bars are trying to play out a scenario they have in their minds often without really engaging with the person they're talking to.


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## iuseings (Nov 11, 2009)

Er, didn't mean to male bash in the last two posts but they got a reaction out to me. 

I understand that everyone wants someone they can relate to. 
I also realize that it can be frustrating to hear that people are confirming fears of the impressions you might make when approaching women. 

Butttt... I guess that's what keeps things interesting.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

From reading these forums it seems as if a lot of men with SA seem to look at women with disdain. They seem almost angry at women.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well when you're a guy in your 20's who's never been in a relationship and never had a simple female friend before you start to wonder, is it my fault, or is it girls fault. That's not really the way I see things though.


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

stranger25 said:


> Well when you're a guy in your 20's who's never been in a relationship and never had a simple female friend before you start to wonder, is it my fault, or is it girls fault. That's not really the way I see things though.


Well, I'm 26 and have encountered some really mean and abusive guys; yet, I don't hate them. Hating an entire group of people is pointless but I must admit I do dislike the mean abusive jerks, lol! I can't dislike someone just for being born male. If I dislike a person it's for a reason other than how they were simply born.


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## Needtoshare (Nov 27, 2010)

Wow, your post really stuck out to me. I'm 23 1/2 and I kissed someone for the first time two weeks ago. I have been on three dates with this guy (the kiss was the first date-we haven't again for various reasons) and I am so incredibly stressed, anxious, and worried about it all that I've ended up crying.
Like today-we're going out tonight and I'm so afraid/anxious that I started crying on the phone to my friend. Why am I so scared? Well, the kiss was horrible. I was not into it-he wasn't bad. I just couldn't stop thinking about how weird it was to be kissing someone.
So, the second date he was sick and I used that as an excuse not to kiss him. And, germs are gross so it wasn't 100% fear motivating me.

But then, he tried to kiss me outside the library and I shied away. We ended up having a text convo about it-he was really sweet and said he wasn't in a hurry. 

Today will be the first time I've seen him since. I am SO NERVOUS. I am afraid that he'll try and kiss me again (and I want him to, but don't want him to) and that I'll be awful/too tense and just ruin everything...


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> Well, I'm 26 and have encountered some really mean and abusive guys; yet, I don't hate them. Hating an entire group of people is pointless but I must admit I do dislike the mean abusive jerks, lol! I can't dislike someone just for being born male. If I dislike a person it's for a reason other than how they were simply born.


Exactly. I don't hate women. I hate how the game is rigged. You really don't know how much worse it is to be a guy in dating/relationship areas. With all the power women have today and all. Women don't have to do anything because the only thing they need is to be a woman and guys will always be available. But a guy has to live up to all different expectations and deal with stigmas from society.


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## JunkBondTrader (Nov 22, 2010)

I have a fear of being in a relationship/being intimate with someone. Sex seems like the most vulnerable position you can put yourself in; I don't know how people do it. I'm afraid of men who show interest in me because I hate feeling like I'm being hunted. I would love to start a relationship with a guy, but I'm surrounded by horny university boys who will do anything to get in your pants. I think in order to have sex I would have to be extremely drunk, which would pose many problems for anyone involved lol.


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## ambergris (Oct 15, 2010)

pjb77 said:


> Females with SA=shy, Men with SA=weird, creep, strange.


It seems to me extremely unlikely that any of these 'creepy' guys approaching women in bars have SA. I would never go to a bar hoping to meet someone because, hello, I have SA. The notion of being judged by random strangers who may or may not attempt to shout boring small talk at me because I may or may not meet their idea of physically attractive is pretty scary to me.

And if I were male and expected to initiate the boring small talk, that would be just as bad. OK, I'd get a choice in who I interacted with, and I wouldn't have to worry quite as much about potential rapists, but I'd end up not talking to anyone at all. I'm sure I would get paranoid about coming across as weird, but that wouldn't be because women are evil and judgmental, it would be because I have SA and I worry too much about what other people are thinking.


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## Rubisco (Nov 20, 2010)

I've never been in a relationship and frankly I'm very frustrated by it. However, I'm not so desperate that I'll accept any and every advance towards me. 

In all honesty I'm glad I'm the female in this situation and not the male. I'm a horrible initiator and couldn't deal with the pressure of doing the asking out. Whine about gender roles as much as you want-- it's still rare for the female to be the one who asks out first.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

JupiterStarr said:


> Thanks. If you don't mind me asking how did you and your boyfriend meet? I mean did he approach you? Did you approach him? You are lucky indeed.


Hi, sorry I realized I hadn't responded to this oldish post in here. I think he posted his msn in a thread here then I added him, we talked off and on for a few months but I started talking to him daily when he planned and went on a roadtrip through the country. When he was in the city we went to the SAS gathering then hung out shortly after ( I asked him if I could look after some of his stuff while he was out east so that I'd for sure see him when he came to pick them up later, haha). For initiating stuff it was pretty equal and I would be really persistent in asking to hang out. He was the one who actually first said he liked me so I was incredibly thankful cause I was so nervous about saying anything... it probably would have happened eventually but he was leaving to go back west in a couple weeks so time was running out. Anyway it's been 14 months and going incredibly well.
I don't think any relationships could ever work if both partners didn't put effort into initiating which is so difficult for SAers and shy people but if both have patience and spend enough time in getting comfortable with each other then it can work out really great.


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## shygal88 (Sep 26, 2010)

pjb77 said:


> I suggest you learn what a cognitive distortion is. Every person cannot openly admit to wanting sex when they approach her. EVERYONE?? That's an overgeneralization. Calling all guys who come up to her weird is also an overgeneralization as well as labeling. If you don't know for a fact why people approach you in a bar you are simply jumping to conclusions and mind reading.


1. I don't get many men approaching me. 2. You can kinda tell the ones who want 'a good time'. You know the ones who try to ram their tongue down your throat... Yeah, so... I think I know why they approach me! I can't say I've ever met a decent guy in a bar... I live in England, we're all lager louts and football hooligans! :teeth


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## sherry09 (Nov 27, 2010)

I agree with you or know what you mean....ive never really had a boyfriend...or someone in my life but having one can help someone tremendously. I dont have total social anxiety--mild but still I like to go places with someone and not by myself. Ive been alone all my life and desperately searching for a boyfriend...I just cant find someone..its so hard....and being single has been really hard...I dont get how people can be all by themselves...peopl ein relationships are lucky and dont realize what they have...for those of us who are totally alone...its just hard...i dont think people are meant to be alone to be honest...I think there are lots of people who need someone else but those people are lucky enough to find that...some aren't...so we have to live in loneliness and sometimes suffering as a result of it...when things would be so much different if there was someone there...ive tried online dating and it never worked out...only ending up meeting jerks or guys who i consider losers becaues they just want sex and not a relationship... being alone just feels like a curse as ive tried every avenue to meet someone... met im sure 100's of guys off the internet.. they are rarely interested, call back, keep in touch...most are jerks weird or there is no connection...ive tried being friendly.. to them or other people..and got nothing...it did baffle me many times that me, being a beautiful woman...have met so many guys..and maybe only a few showed any interest and they werent my type or just trying to use you for something...and other people were just weird, shady, or disappeared..you begin to wonder...why its so difficult to meet someone normal nice or what is going on and how you can meet someone if the situation is so extreme...and how other people can just easily get dates, boyfriends, girlfriends, but for me..why its so hard..the only 'boyfriend' i had was a 57 year old sociopath who used me just to degrade and refused sex with me and never hung around me...then you start to think...wow im cursed and this is a nightmare on anothe rlevel....any other female i know..especially pretty, nice etc..can meet a guy...any guy..but all I meet are the biggest jerks losers weirdos who treat me so badly...are rude weird no class... and really nobody...its scary and weird...and worse b/c in the end...youer sitll alone, searching , confused....


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## Sbrooke (Nov 28, 2010)

I didnt have my first experience with a guy til I was 18. I was at college and I was invited to this guys room. I got so nervous so I asked him for some shots of whiskey. He willingly gave them to me. Ever since I've learned to feel more comfortable. I know it doesn't sound like the best idea, but somehow that experience gave me more confidence around men. However, I still get social anxiety but more mild since being on paxil since the age of 15. I am now 23, but used to suffer from severe social anxiety.


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## Pumpkin Pie (May 3, 2010)

You're definitely not alone. I'm in my mid-twenties and I've never had a boyfriend. Never kissed a guy. I feel awkward around them...lol. I get tense, nervous and even a little clumsy especially when I think he's attractive. When a guy shows interest in me or tries to approach me, I start to feel uncomfortable and shy away. But, hopefully, I will stop being shy and find a boyfriend.


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## sherry09 (Nov 27, 2010)

I think it totally sucks that there are millions of people on this planet...so many people and yet...so many peopl ewho are so alone...confused, trying to meet someone...i used to think...how is it possible to be single with the number of people around? the problem is...people these days...are so narcissistic, egotistical...literally..people are picky about the kind of clothes you wear, shoes, make up, this that...picky to extremes...rude, mean, yet next thing you know...they are dating a drug addict, who is stealing their money...who ends up sleeping with their best friend...then they say "umm..yeah my last gf did this and was a psycho"...gee really? then they find some non flaw in you and wont talk to you again....people are ridiculous..screwed up... its so hard to meet someone...who isnt going to criticize, judge, someone and someone who is genuine and even wants a relationship... its sad to see so many people alone....wanting something that seems so ridiculously hard to attain yet should be so easy...and is easy for others....
i know most of my life has been struggling in loneliness, suffering, confused scared...and mostly fearful that you will be alone for a long time....people fear it so much they will end up sticking to a psycho they once had or knew because of the 'comfort level' associated with it or the inability to meet someone else...
I know the only 'boyfriend' i had wasnt a boyfriend but the worst person, predator, nutcase who used me to sadistic extremes just to control, abuse and mentally torture and sexually deprive...things he did im sure with most women upon meeting them...he didnt do with me in 3 years...and still hasn't...yet professes his undying love...its sick twisted and a bad nightmare...a guy who claims to love you, refuses to ever have sex with you just to drive u nuts...and only wants to control/abuse/manipulate you...but the worst part is..you cant meet anyone else...u struggle, alone..suffering..and meeting the biggest jerks creeps weirdos...who treat u the same way....so what can you do....not that you end up going back to someone so cruel...but you may end up keeping in touch out of fear, desperation, loneliness, or u might be in a bad situation and have no one else to turn to...except a 'predator' woh is right there when u need him so he can then in turn control and torment u as well... its just a sad reality that because of the nature of how society is..some people are succumbed to enduring abuse and predators end up winning becaues people are stuck in their own realities, loneliness and have nowhere else to turn to...and only more loneliness to look forward to---and loneliness is a sad curse...no person is meant to be alone...people seem to think its 'ok' to be alone and normal, but it isn't...its normal to want companionship...so being stuck in a dysfunctional society....riddled with so much nonsense, so many predators, jerks, losers out there..major difficulty in findnig a significant other...and hard to meet nice genuine people, just ends up leading to more of a crisis for so many people when it comes to finding a relationship, living a normal life...finding companionship...and more isolation, people who aer alone...searching, seeking...if it was only easier and not this complicated mess....society is just set up so that predators can take advantage of people, lonely people, and make it so much more difficult to meet anyone...then its juts the hope of destiny for people's paths to cross, and in that case...it seems like it just won't happen or that's how it feels....overall its just sad....


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## fanalone78914 (Nov 29, 2010)

I'm right up ur alley girl. I know how you feel. I'm 23 tomorrow and I've never even think about going out dating let alone be involve with any male. The only men i interacted with are those in my family and my boss. Making eye contact is a no no for me even to vendors or people in the service industries. Its really unnerving. I'm only out with my family or I don't go out at all. I just simply can't fathom the idea of relating to other person especially in my current condition of anxiety and I wouldn't want to put that person in any awkward situation anyway. Misery loves company but I don't think I should involve others to suffer. Let all just hope for the best.


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## oxnicole86 (Apr 22, 2012)

Thank u everyone for sharing your stories. I thought i was alone in this situation. Trying to stay positive. Xoxo


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## Rossy (Jan 15, 2011)

oxnicole86 said:


> Thank u everyone for sharing your stories. I thought i was alone in this situation. Trying to stay positive. Xoxo


Your not alone trust me.


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## artistgyrrl (Oct 26, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> Is this very uncommon especially for those aged 25 and older? Where are you at?
> 
> I've noticed that many of the women on this message board claim to have social anxiety and never go out but they still have boyfriends/husbands. If I were in a relationship my life would be so much better. I'm so lonely and wish I had someone. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on life.
> 
> To those of you ladies in relationships, you are so lucky. Social anxiety is much worse when you have no one.


How do you know if you have never been in one? Assuming a relationship is going to solve your issues is foolish. Relationships are work and have issues too. To think it will help SA is like assuming a certain brand of cereal will also help. Its just another aspect of life, it wont change your anxiety. Much like the virgin posts on here that seem to think once they have sex life will magically be different.


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## Rossy (Jan 15, 2011)

I can't see a relationship solving much infact it probaly causes more problems.


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## glitterball (Oct 19, 2012)

Im 31, and have never been in a relationship. Thats posiibly the oldest out of anyone on here!
Where to begin......
I'm a Muslim woman, and so was raised with the idea that boyfriends before marriage was the worst thing i could possibly do. I never had a boyfriend all through school, but to be honest, it was really more because no-one ever asked me. And I mean, no-one. I always assumed it was because i never had the 'cool knows how to flirt' aura that the girls with boyfriends gave out so effortlessly. I think I was more the one guys liked as a friend. 
Not to be immodest, but I'm above average in looks (which just goes to show, looks aint everything!!). I mention the looks because my big sister was always baffled when the guys showed zero interest in me, and loads in other girls. But then, she's the type who charms people effortlessly and doesn't seem to get that its much harder for me.(note.i love my sister dearly, we are very close, and don't mean my description of her to sound *****y or bitter etc)
I'm sure i've always given off a 'don't approach' signal to guys - i've had self esteem/confidence issues as long as i can remember, and so must always have signalled 'keep away', on some level. Plus i often find it so hard to just be myself with people in conversation.
i was married once, it was arranged, he was a decent man but we couldn't hit it off, and we divorced.we were never physical. I'm now in the situation of going to muslim dating events, just to try to meet someone. how this will work, when i've never even been on a date in my life, is beyond me. 
ive kind of become resigned to the fact that i'll never actually meet anyone. which is a difficult thing to realise, as all ive wanted since i was about 16 is a meaningful relationship. i have many hang-ups to do with issues of self worth, and i know guys like strong confident happy women - im kind of the opposite. so even if someone did show interest, i dont know how long theyd stay interested.
this has turned into a bit of a pity party, which i didn't intend. i wanted to post this though, so others who have never been in a relationship may take some comfort in knowing they're not the only one.
and hey, you never know what the future might bring. i wish anyone who reads this luck and happiness in life and love. i wish we could all be happy, and find our 'person'.why is that too much to ask?


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## glitterball (Oct 19, 2012)

*you're not alone*

jj


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## Charleyy (Oct 8, 2012)

I've never even been kissed.

Dam, that is pretty depressing actually. It's mostly my fault too.


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## reynoso16 (Sep 14, 2012)

Im 21 and the last time I was around young guys was high school.I was shy so I never had a bf.. I was in nursing school for the past 2 years (but quit) and I was around women mostly.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

You ladies are breaking my heart. I was 21 before I got a gf. If evryone could just communicate there must have been guys who could have gotten together with you back in school but we all have this thing called SA. It sucks. Well I don't really have it anymore but that is recent. 28 years of being a social non-entity. It does hurt sometimes. I hope you can all find someone to love. It isn't the be all and end all but it is nice. 

Have any of you tried POF?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I doubt sincerely that I'd meet a woman around my age who has never been in a relationship. Most late 20's/early 30's women are divorced or have kids, or both.


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## brewpacksox (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship. I've never had the opportunity, I'm not what most guys want.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

brewpacksox said:


> I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship. I've never had the opportunity, I'm not what most guys want.[/QUOTE
> 
> Not all guys are most guys. Besides, looks aren't everything: personality goes a long way. I guess it all depends but things can be done to improve a persons looks. I remember these two twins from my school. They were identical in every way but as adults one of them is super hot while the other really isn't much to look at at all. Different attitude, different facial expression, different lifestyle; it all plays a part in making someone attractive...


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I never been in one and I can definitely see myself being a 30 year old non relationship person. I'm not even looking for one but I imagine it must be hard to get into one if you have chronic behavioral and mental issues. I tend to give off the "gtf away from me" vibe so it would be difficult to convince someone that I'm worth their time and to get into a relationship with. It wouldn't last long probably anyways.


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## hollybambam (Oct 22, 2011)

Never been in a relationship in my life. Never kissed, hugged any guy or anything. Sometimes it gets me down.


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## Infinity87 (Dec 29, 2012)

I'm 25, never been in a relationship. Dated twice; first guy was sweet but i didn't feel anything when we hanged out so I stopped keeping in touch. As for the second guy, I made up some lie to avoid meeting up with him again. I don't know how relationships are supposed to work, I get this awkward feeling everytime a guy approaches me. This Sucks!! I want to be with someone but my actions (pushing potential guys away) contradicts this feeling


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## Faery (Dec 24, 2012)

20, never had a relationship. I'm not usually in a situation to meet new people or potential partners either so I dont see a relationship in my near future. I'm so body conscious though that even if by some miracle I've managed to intrigue a guy with either my personality or my face I think he'll bolt once the clothes come off.


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