# Seeing your parents getting old...



## lonesomeboy

My dads birthday was today. We went out to lunch. He is 61, both my parents still works 70 hours a week, 7 days, through public holidays ... it makes me sad that they work that hard when they should retire. I probably will give them all my money that I've earnt so far, as I don't really care for it. I guess I just want them to have a decent life. I don't really care for myself as I am a lost cause.
It just depresses to see my parents getting old (and myself as well), and to think one day they are going to pass away. Time moves forward but I don't.
Anyone else feel this way?


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## Knowbody

ditto, parents just turned 60 also

what makes it all the more worse is that I'm broke and can't help them

However our parents could have died when we were children, i feel like if they were to die now I'd be more emotionally prepared than I would have been as a child. Things could be worse.


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## cavemanslaststand

If I remembered correctly from our conversations, you are younger than 30s?

As you know, we later 30s and beyond almost just get to the point of accepting people are going to move on at this later stage. I've lost my parents a while back. Miss my mom more than my dad.

I'm not exactly trying to fight back my end as I'm perpetually living with a guilty conscience and drinking heavily, but I'm trying really hard to feel better about days ahead.

Started to run 3 miles every other day and go to the American Legion a little more regularly to drink and to live out my days with some semblance of happiness.


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## lonesomeboy

nah I am 33.5

the thing is my parents are the ONLY people in this world that even care about me...there is absolutely noone else

not even my brother cares about me..he think I am a loser, rarely even talks to me.


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## senrab

my mother is almost 73. Dad died 10 years ago at the age of 61. Being 20 years old and dealing with a parent dying is a very lonely place to be in.


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## copper

My mother just turned 65. She also just retired after being a geriatric nurse for 32 years. Can't believe 32 years has passed. I remember attending her pinning ceremony when I was 10 years old.


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## copper

senrab said:


> my mother is almost 73. Dad died 10 years ago at the age of 61. Being 20 years old and dealing with a parent dying is a very lonely place to be in.


I know what you mean. My mother lost her father when she was 18. She wasn't even out of high school yet. Then her mother died 4 years later a few months before I was born.


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## MsDaisy

Yup, that's one thing money can't buy is more time. That's admirable that you want to take care of your parents. My parents are comfortably retired, but they are old and sickly, and require a lot of my attention. It's scary to think they will be gone someday, but I know life will go on. Hopefully it will go on for you too. We're only here for a short while, even tho sometimes it seems like forever. :squeeze


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## HughJ

_Mine are in their mid-70's...retired and slowing down a bit. As for seeing them get old, I think it bothers most people because you know you'll be in their spot in not too long a time. But it sure beats the alternative._

*As a member of The Syndicate once said: "You gotta love livin' baby, 'cause dyin' is a pain in the arse."*


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## Neptunus

Yeah, it's depressing watching parents age. My mom's 69 & dad's 70. My dad just had his first major health scare last week, a deep-vein blood clot in his leg - thankfully it didn't travel! But he has been looking very frail in the past year. 

They're tough though. They own their own business and work 6 days week! They could have retired years ago, but they choose to work because it gives them purpose. Yep, they're New Englander's through and through and will probably work until the end! 

They have my full admiration!


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## komorikun

My dad is 62 and still pretty healthy. He's taking all these meds that are supposed to prevent heart attacks and stroke. My mom got leukemia when she was 45 (I was 12), became disabled (mentally and physically) due to the treatment, and died at age 50. 

My evil step-monster (16 years older than my dad) on the other hand has more health problems. Gets tired easily, can't go for very long walks, had cataract surgery recently, not too sharp mentally anymore, has to use a machine at night for sleep apnea. They travel a lot but she had problems on their most recent trip, so no more independent trips, just tours. I kind of feel bad for my dad cause most likely he will be caring for her. So this will be his second wife that he has to nurse. I just hope she gets a sudden heart attack rather than alzheimer's or something awful like that.

I get a little worried about my health cause my mom didn't start having health problems till she was 41 or 42. Then boom.... high blood pressure (had to take medicine for it daily) and a necrotic hip bone (the bone died, which caused pain when she walked. The only cure for that a hip replacement). Then leukemia at age 45. It's just weird how some people are healthy for a long time and then suddenly get multiple health problems.


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## Lonelyguy

My mom is 70 and dad is 77. Mom is still in pretty good shape, but my dad is struggling. His health is good considering all he's been through (survived cancer last year), but his physical strength is gone. He suffers from chronic back pain and weakness in his legs so he can only stand for a few minutes at a time and walk short distances.


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## TheRob

Dad is 73, and suffering from Parkinson's Disease. He moves a little more slowly and with more hesitancy every time I see him. It takes him a long time, especially, to "unfold" when getting in and out of a car. He will probably need mobility assistance within a few years. Mom is 62, and she'll be able to take care of him for a while. But I don't have the financial resources to care for either of them, and neither do my younger brothers-- one of whom is an Aspie adult.

Despite my dad's advanced age, he's only a few years removed from losing his parents. My grandparents lived to be 94 and 99 (both born in 1910). On the other hand, my mom lost her dad in 1962, when she was 12, and her mom in 1993.


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## GoodTurtle

My father passed 7 months ago at age 90. He deserted the family when I was only 1 year, 4 months old. I never knew him so his passing has meant nothing to me. On the other hand, Mother and I have always been close. She’s 88 years old, six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s type dementia, and 2 years ago, I had to place her in a nursing facility. Currently, she is on hospice care but she has reached a plateau, I don’t know how much longer she will survive. It’s been one horrible rollercoaster ride.

I have a very good rapport with 3 members of the nursing staff, and we talk about many personal things (SA is not one of them). Recently, it dawned on me that when Mother passes, not only will I lose her, but I will also lose the only people I communicate with - the staff at the facility.


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## copper

GoodTurtle said:


> My father passed 7 months ago at age 90. He deserted the family when I was only 1 year, 4 months old. I never knew him so his passing has meant nothing to me. On the other hand, Mother and I have always been close. She's 88 years old, six years ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's type dementia, and 2 years ago, I had to place her in a nursing facility. Currently, she is on hospice care but she has reached a plateau, I don't know how much longer she will survive. It's been one horrible rollercoaster ride.
> 
> I have a very good rapport with 3 members of the nursing staff, and we talk about many personal things (SA is not one of them). Recently, it dawned on me that when Mother passes, not only will I lose her, but I will also lose the only people I communicate with - the staff at the facility.


Nursing homes usually are looking for volunteers to come in and social with the patients. Maybe you could do this after your mother passes on.


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## komorikun

I plan on doing what my dad has done. Old people have huge medicine cabinets from all the years of ailments. So he said he has enough of whatever drug to bump himself if he so wishes. If you get Alzheimer's or Parkinson's or terminal cancer, it really is best to bump yourself off before it gets too bad.


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## alte

lonesomeboy said:


> My dads birthday was today. We went out to lunch. He is 61, both my parents still works 70 hours a week, 7 days, through public holidays ... it makes me sad that they work that hard when they should retire. I probably will give them all my money that I've earnt so far, as I don't really care for it. I guess I just want them to have a decent life. I don't really care for myself as I am a lost cause.
> It just depresses to see my parents getting old (and myself as well), and to think one day they are going to pass away. Time moves forward but I don't.
> Anyone else feel this way?


I feel the same way. I send a portion of the money I earn, home, every month.


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## senrab

copper said:


> I know what you mean. My mother lost her father when she was 18. She wasn't even out of high school yet. Then her mother died 4 years later a few months before I was born.


 it sucks!


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## Double Indemnity

My parents are still relatively young (60 and 58 respectively), but my mom has deteriorated mentally and physically due to strokes and an auto-immune disorder. She can't do all the things she would like to do because she tires so easily. She also gets easily confused and flustered. She struggles with her speech which is very sad to see. But she's still my sweet mother. I try to enjoy every bit of time I have with my parents. I recently moved closer to them.


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## MobiusX

WHAT the hell, my mom has been wearing glasses for over a year, I feel like breaking those glasses, I hate her wearing them cause it makes her look older. If my mom dies then I WANT TO DIE TOO. WHEN SHE DIES I WILL DIE TOO.


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## CeilingStarer

Dad 61, Mum 60. They're still going fine, although my Dad refuses to ever go to the doctor, so I wouldn't be surprised if he dies of prostate cancer or something in the near future.


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## GoodTurtle

copper said:


> Nursing homes usually are looking for volunteers to come in and social with the patients. Maybe you could do this after your mother passes on.


Thanks for the nudge, copper. I feel very comfortable with dementia patients. I will investigate my options for future volunteer work.


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## komorikun

*Mapping Your End-of-Life Choices*

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/18/mapping-your-end-of-life-choices/?ref=deathanddying



> Robert H. Laws, a retired judge in San Francisco, and his wife, Beatrice, knew it was important to have health care directives in place to help their doctors and their two sons make wise medical decisions should they ever be unable to speak for themselves. With forms from their lawyer, they completed living wills and assigned each other as health care agents.
> 
> They dutifully checked off various boxes about not wanting artificial ventilation, tube feeding and the like. But what they did not know was how limiting and confusing those directions could be.
> 
> For example, Judge Laws said in an interview, he'd want to be ventilated temporarily if he had pneumonia and the procedure kept him alive until antibiotics kicked in and he could breathe well enough on his own.
> 
> What he would not want is to be on a ventilator indefinitely, or to have his heart restarted if he had a terminal illness or would end up mentally impaired.
> 
> Nuances like these, unfortunately, escape the attention of a vast majority of people who have completed advance directives, and may also discourage others from creating directives in the first place.





> Dr. Hammes, editor of a book, "Having Your Own Say: Getting the Right Care When It Means the Most," said that while he is especially concerned that people 60 and older make their wishes known to family members and develop a cohesive plan, this should be done by someone who develops a serious illness at any age.
> 
> "People need to sit down and decide what kind of care makes sense to them and what doesn't make sense, and who would be the best person to represent them if they became very ill and couldn't make medical decisions for themselves," Dr. Hammes said.
> 
> "If, for example, you had a sudden and permanent brain injury, how bad would that injury have to be for you to say that you would not want to be kept alive? What strongly held beliefs and values would influence your choice of medical treatment?"
> 
> Divisive family conflicts and unwanted medical interventions can be avoided when people specify their wishes, he said. His own mother "told us that if she had severe dementia, it would be a total waste of her life savings to keep her alive. She would rather that her children got the money."
> 
> "We help people work through the decision process and involve those close to them so that the family shares in their goals," Dr. Hammes said. "When patients have a care plan, the moral dilemmas doctors face can be prevented."
> 
> At Good Medicine in San Francisco, Dr. Brokaw and her colleagues have thus far helped about two dozen people explain their goals and preferences, at a cost of $1,500 for each person.
> 
> "In today's health care systems, families will be asked when patients can't speak for themselves and many families are very unprepared to make these decisions," she said.


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## victoriangirl

MobiusX said:


> WHAT the hell, my mom has been wearing glasses for over a year, I feel like breaking those glasses, I hate her wearing them cause it makes her look older. If my mom dies then I WANT TO DIE TOO. WHEN SHE DIES I WILL DIE TOO.


I feel the same way too. My mom is what makes me 'me'. I might not want to talk to her on a daily basis and we might have our weekly arguments, but I really cannot imagine a life without her.

I love my dad too but he's been very sick for the last 8 years. We've had so many health scares that it feels like I've gone numb. He goes to dialysis and is checked on doctors constantly whereas my mom refuses to go to the doctor. I am so much more worried about my mom and than about my dad and it really sickens me that my mom will not listen to our pleads that she should get a check-up, go to the doctor etc. She is stubborn as hell and talks about dying in a very mean/easy way and that really hurts me.


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## odd_one_out

Both parents reached pension age this year. Father retired. They've had a few health issues in recent years but are in good shape, travelling around now he's retired and gotten his inheritance. He's more easily worn out but can still do heavy lifting and all sorts. He's only started going grey in his 60s. Mother has a good diet. They don't drink or smoke and look pretty young. I rarely visit. I just hope it lasts.


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## trancewriter

My own father is also getting older...he turned 80 this year and is living with me...I feel as though he is the only person left in my life I can trust...once he's gone there is no one...I know how you feel.is..but nothing in this world lasts forever...change is a constant.


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## Northern Lights

My parents are in their early 60's. Gladly they're both in good health, both of them are retired. 

I did not have any contact to my dad for almost 10 years, we only became reconciled about 1 year ago. But we are now both doing our best to obtain this close relationship and get along well. One of my grandmothers recently died and it made me internalise that my parents won't be here forever. A scary thought!


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## d3lusionkt

Wow I really respect the folks here who have had to go through parents' health issues or even deaths... 

I still haven't had any major health or death scares with my parents. They are about 60, and both still working. 

It very much disturbs me to see them getting older. It breaks my heart when I remember how they were different. I feel like they are going down that path of old age and even death, and I personally don't know how to cope with it. Being someone with SA and feeling still childlike, without much of a support network, I feel very overwhelmed with how to cope with the responsibilities and things that will need to be taken care of, and the feelings I will have. I am so scared about it.


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