# do you struggle to understand why people want to get to know you?



## unemployment simulator (Oct 18, 2015)

I have had people express appreciation for establishing contact with them, after a lot of life experience with this thing I feel like saying "why?" but then feel like it would perhaps be rude to say that. I don't really understand why people want to get to know me? I don't have anything to offer them. I am not fun, I don't really do much aside from work and working out. I don't have a lot of money, I am not attractive. it's bizarre to me that people might take an interest in me, it sort of feels like an exercise in futility. it's like what is it you want? what are you expecting of me?

the result is always the same, someone takes an interest, a little while later they disappear. its like why are you even bothering!? it's starting to get annoying tbh and I feel like just rejecting anyone straight up who takes an interest in me because it's disappointing getting to know people only to have things drift apart.
edit;
this isn't a humble brag,apologies if it comes across as such, I kept this to myself for ages because I didn't want to upset any users on here. I don't really have a lot of social success in life and I am not trying to be insensitive to people who don't have people approach them ever or try to establish relations ever. this does bother me a lot though, gotta be honest.


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

unemployment simulator said:


> I have had people express appreciation for establishing contact with them, after a lot of life experience with this thing I feel like saying "why?" but then feel like it would perhaps be rude to say that. I don't really understand why people want to get to know me? I don't have anything to offer them. I am not fun, I don't really do much aside from work and working out. I don't have a lot of money, I am not attractive. it's bizarre to me that people might take an interest in me, it sort of feels like an exercise in futility. it's like what is it you want? what are you expecting of me?
> 
> the result is always the same, someone takes an interest, a little while later they disappear. its like why are you even bothering!? it's starting to get annoying tbh and I feel like just rejecting anyone straight up who takes an interest in me because it's disappointing getting to know people only to have things drift apart.
> edit;
> this isn't a humble brag,apologies if it comes across as such, I kept this to myself for ages because I didn't want to upset any users on here. I don't really have a lot of social success in life and I am not trying to be insensitive to people who don't have people approach them ever or try to establish relations ever. this does bother me a lot though, gotta be honest.


Well I think you're being much too hard on yourself to start with mate. It's great that people want to get to know you - why don't you let some of them in? I've always thought you seem like a decent guy too btw.

They can see things that you can't. You're self-esteem is obviously not too good. (no offence there of course) Maybe try to talk to people and allow them to get to know you, you might be pleasantly surprised.

You don't need to be embarassed that people might actually like you - although I can understand you're hesitation about talking about it on here. With me I'm usually surprised if someone doesn't seem to like me - I just assume there must be something wrong with them.


----------



## unemployment simulator (Oct 18, 2015)

harrison said:


> Well I think you're being much too hard on yourself to start with mate. It's great that people want to get to know you - why don't you let some of them in? I've always thought you seem like a decent guy too btw.
> 
> They can see things that you can't. You're self-esteem is obviously not too good. (no offence there of course) Maybe try to talk to people and allow them to get to know you, you might be pleasantly surprised.
> 
> You don't need to be embarassed that people might actually like you - although I can understand you're hesitation about talking about it on here. With me I'm usually surprised if someone doesn't seem to like me - I just assume there must be something wrong with them.


that's great confidence you have mate. yea I do lack it, I wonder if this is what drives people away? I have been reading a lot about redpill lately, I am not sure how many people on here buy into that theory, I respect that some people don't and it's perhaps a bit divisive. but some of this stuff about confidence keeps people around makes so much sense. I have known guys who are so confident and their relationships just seem rock solid. I could also probably do with being a little less sensitive, I think too much has a detrimental effect.

basically I sometimes feel like this guy, minus the crying at the sunset and dolphin safe tuna lol.






ok I am not quite that bad but I think it illustrates a point about lacking confidence being overly nice and a pushover which kind of drives people away a bit.


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

unemployment simulator said:


> that's great confidence you have mate. yea I do lack it, I wonder if this is what drives people away? I have been reading a lot about redpill lately, I am not sure how many people on here buy into that theory, I respect that some people don't and it's perhaps a bit divisive. but some of this stuff about confidence keeps people around makes so much sense. I have known guys who are so confident and their relationships just seem rock solid. I could also probably do with being a little less sensitive, I think too much has a detrimental effect.
> 
> basically I sometimes feel like this guy, minus the crying at the sunset and dolphin safe tuna lol.
> 
> ...


Oh My God - was that the guy from the Mummy movies when he was very young? I watched about the first 60 seconds but then I had to stop it because it was starting to make my skin crawl.  (no offence)

I don't know mate - it's pretty strange with me. I can go from being incredibly happy and confident to hiding in my apartment. (probably the bipolar I'd say) But I'll tell you one thing - if you start letting these people in, after a while you'll probably start to see what it is in you they like.

I'd say that's what it is with me. I've had a quite a lot of people like me over a long period of time. That might sound like a wank but it's true. And if I'm honest there's no reason why they wouldn't like me - or you for that matter.

My problems are the demons I fight in my own head. I struggle with confidence sometimes too - but I know that if I can just get out there people usually like and accept me. I'm the one that is usually giving myself a hard time - not anyone else.


----------



## unemployment simulator (Oct 18, 2015)

harrison said:


> Oh My God - was that the guy from the Mummy movies when he was very young? I watched about the first 60 seconds but then I had to stop it because it was starting to make my skin crawl.  (no offence)
> 
> I don't know mate - it's pretty strange with me. I can go from being incredibly happy and confident to hiding in my apartment. (probably the bipolar I'd say) But I'll tell you one thing - if you start letting these people in, after a while you'll probably start to see what it is in you they like.
> 
> ...


thanks mate.
haha yea I am not a big fan of his. I stumbled across it again not long back and just thought, this is like a caricature. it's difficult because I sometimes feel like the opposite happens, if I let people in and talk about how I feel this sort of scares people off. it sounds like you've got it right and maybe I need to think about how to do the same. its difficult, I don't really know what peoples intentions are, are they looking for a relationship? do they just want sex? do they expect more of me than I am capable of?

the pic in your avatar, I could do with a christmas like that! big nice warm sunny beach and a lot of space, no crowds.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

unemployment simulator said:


> I don't have anything to offer them. I am not fun, I don't really do much aside from work and working out. I don't have a lot of money, I am not attractive. it's bizarre to me that people might take an interest in me, it sort of feels like an exercise in futility.


same! except I dont work out or work a lot. and no one wants to get to know me lol.


----------



## The Notorious D.B.L (Aug 2, 2016)

If someone doesn't want to know me it's their loss. I have a lot that do now.

Problem is there are some people I want to know more but can't because of some things I can't sort out. I know that I can only get so far with them so it becomes frustrating.

I have plenty of good qualities and get good feedback from some people, and they want to spend time with me, and I can see why. 

If someone doesn't want to know me at all, they're missing out. lol


----------



## The Notorious D.B.L (Aug 2, 2016)

andy1984 said:


> same! except I dont work out or work a lot. and no one wants to get to know me lol.


See, now I am fun and do do a lot. In the past I was pretty much dead to the world so wasn't anything really lol. But I am now out and about all the time. I have a personality. I am funny, witty, kind and enjoy some peoples company and they can see that. I have negative traits obviously but it's mild stuff. I at least have some people who appreciate what I have to offer. I'm off out with another fellow SAer tomorrow, a female again. Just wish I could find one who want's to ravage me tbh. Well I do have one but I ain't feeling it. All the above relates to people wanting to know me as a friend. Much harder to find people who want to know you on a much deeper and intimate level.


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

The Notorious D.B.L said:


> See, now I am fun and do do a lot. In the past I was pretty much dead to the world so wasn't anything really lol. But I am now out and about all the time. I have a personality. I am funny, witty, kind and enjoy some peoples company and they can see that. I have negative traits obviously but it's mild stuff. I at least have some people who appreciate what I have to offer. I'm off out with another fellow SAer tomorrow, a female again. Just wish I could find one who want's to ravage me tbh. Well I do have one but I ain't feeling it. All the above relates to people wanting to know me as a friend. Much harder to find people who want to know you on a much deeper and intimate level.


maybe you can ask the SAer to ravage you then. or a passing wolf or bear


----------



## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

No, because people don't want to get to know me :lol


----------



## The Notorious D.B.L (Aug 2, 2016)

andy1984 said:


> maybe you can ask the SAer to ravage you then. or a passing wolf or bear


lol

She could turn into either one of those If I did. :afr


----------



## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

The Notorious D.B.L said:


> lol
> 
> She could turn into either one of those If I did. :afr


 haha i hope not!


----------



## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

unemployment simulator said:


> thanks mate.
> haha yea I am not a big fan of his. I stumbled across it again not long back and just thought, this is like a caricature. it's difficult because I sometimes feel like the opposite happens, if I let people in and talk about how I feel this sort of scares people off. it sounds like you've got it right and maybe I need to think about how to do the same. its difficult, I don't really know what peoples intentions are, are they looking for a relationship? do they just want sex? do they expect more of me than I am capable of?
> 
> the pic in your avatar, I could do with a christmas like that! big nice warm sunny beach and a lot of space, no crowds.


I know what you mean mate - it's scary to let people in. I've been hurt a bit before - I'm probably far too open if anything, and sometimes naive probably as well. I've known a lot of interesting people though - and had a lot of fun. If we don't take a chance on people sometimes then we'll never know. 

And yeah - tbh I don't like big empty beaches. I like ones with people on them. (Even if I don't necessarily want to have to talk to them.) I like to be around people - I guess I'm a bit of an anomaly on here, it's sort of complicated.


----------



## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Yes.


----------



## melancholyscorpio (Aug 14, 2015)

I completely understand what you mean.

I'm surprised when people are nice to me. Or they want me to go somewhere.

I especially get confused when people want me to be in photos. I'm so unphotogenic. I will say oh no and try to get out of the photo but they persuade me to be in it.


----------



## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

People don't want to get to know me. If they do, they almost always have an ulterior motive.


----------



## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Yes, I know what you mean. This is why I'm careful with who I _let_ get to know me.


----------



## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

A lot of people attracted to me see me as an enigma to unbox, or they like my genuine and honest nature, or they like that I'm quite attractive. Usually it's the last one.


----------



## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

Sekiro said:


> A lot of people attracted to me see me as an enigma to unbox, or they like my genuine and honest nature, or they like that I'm quite attractive. Usually it's the last one.


Not to mention humble. :lol


----------



## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

SamanthaStrange said:


> Not to mention humble. :lol


 I can say honestly I've never been accused of this :3


----------



## leaf in the wind (Mar 28, 2017)

Most people don't care to get to know me. And they'd be right to think that - I'm very dull and have few interests or talents. 

For the ones who do, I figure they want to be friends because I'm a decent person.


----------



## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I don't think anyone wants to get to know me when they first meet me (the opposite, usually). But some people seem to become more interested in me after they get to know me if they're forced to spend time with me (school, work, etc.). I'm guessing it's because I express some sort of odd ideas. But the novelty usually wears off fairly quickly. I don't really enhance anyone's life, so there's not much incentive to hang out with me.


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Most people don't but I've never really wondered about that if someone does express interest. In high school one time someone wanted me to help teach them guitar (unfortunately I was not that much better than them.) Then we started hanging out regularly outside school because we lived near each other.

I've mentioned this in other posts before but the only time someone announced why and it was something odd, was outside a lecture in uni during the beginning of the year, and they approached me saying I seemed like the most normal person there which is funny because I'm really not, but they eventually realised that. They came across to me as quite shallow because our first conversation consisted of them pointing out some guy's boots as a reason to apparently avoid talking to him. I ended up hanging out with them a bunch of times as part of a wider group and it was very interesting actually because almost everyone was kind of odd in some way since it was a game dev related course. They were essentially the most 'normie' person. They made some friends off course too, but because they were so extroverted and needed to be around people all the time they kind of had to deal with the eccentricities of the people around them as well.


----------



## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Most people don't approach me. Probably because I seem too intense? And tbh I probably am because of the life I made for myself since I was young. Always going into romanticized battles with pretty scary stuff.

If someone does approach me I usually start to wonder if they are a cop trying to entrap me into something I didn't know was illegal now/or in this state, or I wonder if they are finally here to get payback on me for things I've done in the past. Nothing most people would see as terrible, I just broke a bunch of rules that weren't supposed to go unpunished.

I guess that's PTSD. Add my brain errors that always try to make me think the current moment has happened before, maybe many times, and it's a recipe for really hurting someone's feelings right after we start to trust each other.

I guess that sums up why I actually do understand people wouldn't want to get too close to me (the opposite of what I meant to say). But I still hope I can find a way to trust someone eventually.

Maybe after I'm done going to war with everyone, or maybe if I find a way to fix my brain errors... I think either one would give me enough inner peace to trust another human being again.


----------



## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Most people don't but I've never really wondered about that if someone does express interest.


You'd probably wonder about motive though especially if it didn't happen very often, I know I would, if high school was the last time that happened it's a good while ago : /


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

blue2 said:


> You'd probably wonder about motive though especially if it didn't happen very often, I know I would, if high school was the last time that happened it's a good while ago : /


No sometime in my 20s, but I think whether I'd wonder about it would depend on environment and certain details. I mean I guess it depends on what you mean. There's almost always a context that makes sense? You're talking to people at work, you're talking to people at school, you're at a meetup-group which is designed to get to know people, someone decides to talk to you at a concert to ask a question or fill in time etc.

I would only wonder if they're trying to hit on me, because I'm not really interested in most people and that has caused problems in the past if they get too attached and clingy, or go insane when I reject them.


----------



## Musicfan (Mar 4, 2017)

I'm just an average meat popsicle so people haven't really shown much interest over the years.


----------



## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I would only wonder if they're trying to hit on me, because I'm not really interested in most people and that has caused problems in the past if they get too attached and clingy, or go insane when I reject them.


What if they're already insane, would your rejection cause a different type of insanity : /


----------



## aqwsderf (Aug 16, 2013)

Can't relate. Who wants to get to know me? 🙂

I think since I'm such an introvert people just let me be the quiet one and lose interest


----------



## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

blue2 said:


> What if they're already insane, would your rejection cause a different type of insanity : /


I think already 'insane' was the main problem really yeah.


----------



## unemployment simulator (Oct 18, 2015)

truant said:


> I don't think anyone wants to get to know me when they first meet me (the opposite, usually). But some people seem to become more interested in me after they get to know me if they're forced to spend time with me (school, work, etc.). I'm guessing it's because I express some sort of odd ideas. But the novelty usually wears off fairly quickly. I don't really enhance anyone's life, so there's not much incentive to hang out with me.


I can relate to the idea that once people spend time around me they warm to me. I find it can be difficult to get to the stage of knowing a person because of my outer appearance, in my case I am big bald unapproachable and possibly standoffish. but it's possible that people who have to spend time around me want to know me better because I am nice and once they realise this then there is opportunity for growth? so I would say it's possible we've won half the battle, we've got people interested, its just the other part I find so difficult, retaining that persons interest!

this is the part that gets me so frustrated and down, I mean I get that sometimes things just don't work out between people. but it happens all the time that it makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. me being nice isn't a trait that diminishes with time, it's consistent with the people that have been a part of my life, so it's not the deciding factor unless it's that I am being too nice and women find this massively off putting? because it seems like the nicer I am and the more I do for other people, the further I push them away. that is the one thing I have noticed time and time again. which is what has led me to redpill ideas about masculinity and relationship dynamics. it explains so much about where I am going wrong.

I like to think we live in an accepting society where old gender rules don't apply, but I don't see a lot of nice, vulnerable, sensitive men being the prize for women. there has to be some sort of counter part to their personalities, in that they are typically very assertive, confident and have leadership potential or the ability to successfully self govern. if ,in my case a person lacks these qualities then the overall impression is that women are turned off by me and my inability to handle life. women want a guy who can be a strong support, they don't want a guy who crumbles at the first hurdle life throws at them and seemingly can't get past his own blockages to make something of himself. the concept of a man who is trying to improve themselves is appealing to other people. but if a man spends their whole lives trying and not succeeding then they become less appealing.

this is the only real conclusion I have been able to draw lately. it all just feels so fecking hopeless, I want to get past any limitations I have but I am stuck, my mental health which goes beyond just anxiety is crippling me to the point where I can't really move forward at all. so I have little hope left.


----------

