# Were You An "Unwanted" or Unplanned Child?



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

I wonder how many of us have social anxiety and insecurity because we were told we were "unwanted" and/or unplanned by our parents and families.


----------



## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Yes


----------



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

FoundAndLost said:


> Yes


I'm sorry. So was I. If you could mark it up there in the poll section we can see how many other people respond.

The poll is anonymous too, so everyone else can feel free to answer with our without going into extra detail.


----------



## ShyAries (Jul 28, 2013)

I was definite unplanned and living in a middle class family and don't have a relationship with my bio dad


----------



## Suff (Dec 30, 2012)

My Mother never wanted kids, and shoved me to my Father; he drink alot, and was very abusive to me, and to any girlfriend that would actually bother living with him. He didn't think I was his Son.
He lost his job when I was 13, had to drop out of School, get a job, and pay the bills. 
He kicked me out when I was 17, homeless for nearly a year until I found my current job, been working in the Factory for two years.
My Brother and I still talk every now and again, but I don't speak to the rest of my family.


----------



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

I'm so sorry for everyone else on here who was unwanted and all the pain that being told you were a mistake caused.

My own parents, likely because they didn't want me, left me to my own devices and didn't bother enrolling me in social activities like sports, scouts, music or dance lessons, etc. They did those things with my older siblings but not with me. I often wonder if that's part of what caused my SA. I didn't get a chance to be in large groups of kids and socialize. I went to a tiny little parochial school in the neighborhood too with not a lot of kids. That als made things worse because there weren't a lot of kids and the ones there kind of ignored me or picked on me too, being a socially awkward kid.


----------



## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

I hate that parents still use this excuse, if it was me I'd be super paranoid about getting pregnant, and I can't imagine how horrible a parent must be to actually tell their kid they were unwanted.


----------



## scum (Jun 30, 2011)

This issue of unwantedness is as deeply subversive as it gets. I view it as deferred existential sabotage per inception. It's difficult to create/salvage a sense dignity when your identify has been marred by such a catastrophic degree of senselessness. [Happy] accidents have their place, most typically in matters that don't directly involve baby making. With the social complexity of today's developed societies, births should essentially be planned, or at least welcomed with the full intent to honor the basic emotional responsibilities of parenthood. This just simplifies the process of the self integrating with society while being at the mercy of the harsh and competitive social structures that we must navigate in order to function properly.

Ambivalence is by far the worst sentiment possible. I respect a destitute young mother who gives up their child - which at least reveals an awareness of their shortcomings - slightly more than unaffectionate family members of whom one could depend upon their entire miserable life to mooch off of for food and shelter, but would never receive anything beyond that.


----------



## PandaBearx (May 26, 2013)

Yep I was unplanned


----------



## Amethyst Forest (Jul 29, 2012)

My father has used the words "unwanted" and "mistake" before, while my mom told me that I was a "very pleasant surprise". My sister was planned, but I was a "surprise".


----------



## ElectricGhost (Feb 7, 2013)

I say who cares if you were planned or not. to this day I still don't know if I was planned or not and the truth is I don't care because I'm here now and nothing is going to change that fact. I really wish I was never born but that's a whole different story. I have always told my mom that her and my father should have never had me. So whether it was planned or not I kind of let them know they made a mistake either way.


----------



## CoastalSprite (Sep 8, 2011)

According to my parents, my birth and gender were planned (they wanted a girl as their second child). I only started becoming a disappointment _after _those rosy baby years  I'll bet they wish they had aborted me :blank


----------



## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Protection is a lovely thing...

I was planned - supposedly.


----------



## Monotony (Mar 11, 2012)

PandaBearx said:


> Yep I was unplanned


*goes over notes for 1994-95* Nope I clearly planned for you :b


----------



## Raeden (Feb 8, 2013)

I was unplanned while my mom was in college, but it's not as though either of my parents rubbed that fact in my face.


----------



## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm sort of an inbetween. My mom wanted kids, but my dad didn't really. After both my brothers my dad decided they would have no more kids, so my mom basically threatened to make him miserable if they didn't at least have one more. And then of course I didn't come out the way my mom hoped and planned. She wanted a girl, not a tom-boy who has absolutly no interest in girl things, dresses, makeup, weddings, family of my own...I don't even want to get married. I have no interest in guys or anyone in a romantic way. And I can see it with how my mom acts and in her eyes that I'm a disappointment. She wanted someone like her in a way, to go out and do girl stuff and that seriously bores and dis-interests me. *shrugs*


----------



## vanilla90 (Jun 22, 2010)

My mum happened to be on holiday in Morocco, met some dashing man there and BLAM I was born. She's never specifically said it, but that sounds very unplanned to me. At least I have olive skin and tan easily THANKS DAD


----------



## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I wasn't told anything. i was treated as if I were unwanted.


----------



## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

this all makes me hurt inside.

i knew from an early age that i was an 'accident' 'unplanned' and my parents were through having kids when i came along. a sibling told me i was adopted. but i was always told i wasn't part of the "first" or "real" family. my mom said that her friends at work said "they'd get through it together!" and "we're gonna love this baby!" like IT's A ****ING EFFORT.

later i learned that my dad blamed me for the decline of their marriage, my mom told me that too. she told me that he wanted her to have an abortion at first, but she didn't. she told me alot of junk. 

i'm angry, so i'm going to say this: she's a very clever, brilliant, cold person who puts on an amazing show of warmth and martyrdom but you always get stabbed even if you don't see the daggers and only know you've been ****ed once she's long gone.

i remember crying and saying "i'm sorry i'm such a burden" but her saying "oh baby you're no burden" but then acting totally otherwise. double bind.


----------



## Larkspur (Sep 30, 2009)

Well...my mom told me that she had to "beg to have me". Yet, she would always tell me that she wish she never had me. So, honestly, I have no idea. :sus


----------



## Everton (Jul 15, 2013)

Papa said I ruined his life and was the biggust mustake effar. DITNT EFFECTER ME THOOUGH


----------



## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

Well seeing as my biological "mother" had me at 17, and then neglected me to the point of having social services step in.... yeah. Id say I was both unwanted and unplanned.


----------



## blueingreen (Jun 10, 2012)

My family never told me I was unplanned, but I am the last child of four. People close to our family have told me that when they found out my mother was pregnant with me, they said, "another one?!" 

Really hate when people tell that to me...


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Unplanned but not necessarily unwanted. My parents were not married when my mom got pregnant but she was no spring chicken. She was 33 when she had me. They got married when she was 3 or 4 months pregnant. My mom could have aborted. I think she did have an abortion in her 20s with some other guy (not my dad).


----------



## AceEmoKid (Apr 27, 2012)

On the contrary, I was methodically planned. They even drew up schedules, blueprints, the whole nine yards. The upsetting thing, however, is how much they prepared and how little I gave fruit for their labor (pun intended).


----------



## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

I voted no. I mean, I was probably unplanned at the time but the statement in the poll made it sound like it's always a bad thing. Not once have my parents regretted having me despite being planned, so.. mhm.


----------



## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. In my neck of the woods, that's basically how the majority of kids were conceived.


----------



## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

My parents planned to have myself and my brother. My mother had a miscarriage several months before she got pregnant with me.


----------



## Vox (Jul 29, 2013)

I was the only one that wasn't an accident. Joke's on you, ma.


----------



## green9206 (May 13, 2013)

PandaBearx said:


> Yep I was unplanned


.


----------



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

scum said:


> This issue of unwantedness is as deeply subversive as it gets. I view it as deferred existential sabotage per inception. It's difficult to create/salvage a sense dignity when your identify has been marred by such a catastrophic degree of senselessness. [Happy] accidents have their place, most typically in matters that don't directly involve baby making. With the social complexity of today's developed societies, births should essentially be planned, or at least welcomed with the full intent to honor the basic emotional responsibilities of parenthood. This just simplifies the process of the self integrating with society while being at the mercy of the harsh and competitive social structures that we must navigate in order to function properly.
> 
> Ambivalence is by far the worst sentiment possible. I respect a destitute young mother who gives up their child - which at least reveals an awareness of their shortcomings - slightly more than unaffectionate family members of whom one could depend upon their entire miserable life to mooch off of for food and shelter, but would never receive anything beyond that.


Well put.


----------



## x Faceless x (Mar 13, 2011)

I was planned, but not really wanted after they had me.


----------



## Phalene (Feb 15, 2013)

I was the product of a one-night stand and my mum didn't know she was pregnant till the 6th month or so so yeah, pretty much unplanned.


----------



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

I try to get along with my parents. I stopped to see them tonight. My dad was trying to be more chatty and friendly with me but my mom always acts like she's aggravated with me when I stop by to visit.


----------



## JadedJade (Feb 12, 2013)

blueingreen said:


> My family never told me I was unplanned, but I am the last child of four. People close to our family have told me that when they found out my mother was pregnant with me, they said, "another one?!"
> 
> Really hate when people tell that to me...


I remember hearing this about other women in our family. And I love how they make it sound like it's an abnormal thing or you've going to give birth to an alien. *rolls eyes*



AceEmoKid said:


> On the contrary, I was methodically planned. They even drew up schedules, blueprints, the whole nine yards. The upsetting thing, however, is how much they prepared and how little I gave fruit for their labor (pun intended).


I semi-feel this way as my mom wanted another kid, but not my dad. Didn't turn out anywhere near what she wanted or expected. *shrugs*



Phalene said:


> I was the product of a one-night stand and my mum didn't know she was pregnant till the 6th month or so so yeah, pretty much unplanned.


 Seriously?


----------



## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

No, I was planned. That doesn't factor into anything, though, because I've always felt unwanted by my parents.


----------



## Noll (Mar 29, 2011)

i don't think so. but i was definitely less loved by my mother, she spent so much attention on my half-sister just because she had/has a distant and drugged idiot of a father, while i actually had a decent father. the problem was that i barely saw my father and i lived with my mom and sister, so it made me feel left out and unwanted.

hugs and "i love you" were never ever a part of me growing up. i think that's why i have issues. i'm going to be a much better parent, i promise you all this.


----------



## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

my mom said I was a "miracle"


----------



## Morris the Kat (Jul 31, 2013)

I was definitely unplanned as my mom did not think she could have any more children, but I have always been told that I was (am) wanted so I really don't think I have suffered any negative emotions over it. Interesting topic.


----------



## Monotony (Mar 11, 2012)

Phalene said:


> I was the product of a one-night stand and my mum didn't know she was pregnant till the 6th month or so so yeah, pretty much unplanned.


How the hell do you not notice for that long :wtf


----------



## jealousisjelly (Feb 22, 2011)

i wasn't told but i assume i was since i know my mom drank for the first couple of months when she was pregnant.. she didn't know she was pregnant so i guess i was unplanned... is that what makes me a alchoholic??


----------



## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

No my parents always say they wanted me >_<


----------



## BillDauterive (Oct 24, 2012)

No, I am quite the opposite. My mom has said she actually had trouble conceiving and went to pray at a local temple in order to turn that around. I was also born very premature and weak, on the verge of death so I was a "miracle" baby. But I do feel that being more premature contributed to my mental health issues.


----------



## Nono441 (May 14, 2012)

Twelve Keyz said:


> my mom said I was a "miracle"


lol'd!

Also the poll results are frightening.


----------



## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

53.7% of SASers have SA because we were unplanned/"unwanted" and the other 46.3% of SASers have SA because they got bullied by us. SA is solved, the SAS forums are now closed.


----------



## MissyH (Jul 31, 2013)

Yep and my father reminds me every day by ignoring me and pretending like I don't exist.


----------



## JustAlive (Jul 30, 2013)

Well I was the unplanned child... but my parents never ever made me feel that way, they say I was planned but to arrive a little later but I was made early lol...


----------



## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

I was planned. My parents married in 1987 and tried to conceive for several years before I finally came out.


----------



## Ukulele (Aug 4, 2013)

I was never told by my mom I was an unwanted child, but that's because she probably never had the chance (she died when I was 9). However I KNOW I was an unplanned child since my mom's pregnancy came as a surprise, to the point my father abandoned her when he found out.


----------



## AstroBoy93 (Dec 21, 2012)

My father told me that once. I don't think he even remembers he told me this but I do, and it still hurts. "I didn't want you, your mom was easy, so we did it, but we made a mistake.". I don't like my father, never did, so hearing him say that shouldn't hurt this much. But it did.


----------



## laura024 (Aug 11, 2006)

Well the baby before me died, so technically I wasn't supposed to be conceived.


----------



## AngelFallen (Jun 2, 2013)

I was an 'accident' and 'unplanned'. My mom told me stories of how she and my poor excuse of a dad met. It'd sounded like I was destined to happen. On top of that he'd been married twice and had kids. My mom should've known when she found out it. She can say how much she loves me as many times as she wants but I know I wasn't wanted and just an accident.


----------



## Ukulele (Aug 4, 2013)

AngelFallen said:


> I was an 'accident' and 'unplanned'. My mom told me stories of how she and my poor excuse of a dad met. It'd sounded like I was destined to happen. On top of that he'd been married twice and had kids. My mom should've known when she found out it. She can say how much she loves me as many times as she wants but I know I wasn't wanted and just an accident.


A lot of children are accidents in the sense that they are not expected to "happen", but that doesn't mean your parents don't love you. I was an accident, but my I know my mom loved me until her last day. She showed it every single day.


----------



## FUBAR (Aug 27, 2008)

Yes i am, my mother had a miscarriage before having me so if that miscarriage didn't occur, i wasn't supposed to be born. I'm born out of the tragedy of my 'older sibling's' death.


----------



## The Misery Chick (Jun 30, 2013)

I was an "accident."


----------



## Lish3rs (May 5, 2013)

Yep. Unplanned, then no marriage ended up being involved.


----------



## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

I was a mistake. Finding that out actually answered a lot of questions and filled in a lot of gaps for me. As in, why has my mom always hated me so much.


----------



## Anonymous Loner (Mar 3, 2013)

Unplanned. I'm not sure if I'm unwanted or not, however I _feel_ unwanted.


----------



## AngelFallen (Jun 2, 2013)

Ukulele said:


> A lot of children are accidents in the sense that they are not expected to "happen", but that doesn't mean your parents don't love you. I was an accident, but my I know my mom loved me until her last day. She showed it every single day.


If only you could see how she acts...


----------



## GroundControl (Aug 7, 2013)

Yeah I was unwanted but not unplanned. My parents wanted it so bad... a baby boy. I was such a disappointment.


----------



## k4r3t (Aug 2, 2013)

I wasn't unplanned although my dad wanted a little boy since they already had my sis..


I was never told I was unwanted although I've FELT that way all my life to be honest 
Your upbringing has a lot to do with how you see/feel things, id have done anything for a stable happy family..


----------



## Katherine93 (Aug 10, 2013)

I was unplanned but not unwanted. At least my mother never made me feel like I was unwanted. It would be so horrible to hear something like that from her. However, my father didn't want me and he left my mother after she got pregnant.


----------



## Marakunda (Jun 7, 2011)

No actually. I was a "wanted" child I think. My mum said she wanted a girl and a boy, and she got exactly what she wanted. I have a big sister, so it's not like my parents were new to having kids. Also they WERE married already.

I suppose I never properly asked if I was a "mistake" though. Not like I care.


----------



## Limestone22 (Aug 11, 2013)

*Unplanned but they never said it that way*

I was also told i was born in an emergency, when I was pulled out of her area... I had her unbilical cord raped around my neck and was in trubble :/


----------



## Relz (Oct 31, 2011)

I was wanted, but unfortunately I was wanted by people who didn't have a chance of raising me to become a functional human being.


----------



## min0taur (Nov 17, 2012)

Yep, I was unplanned and my mommy couldn't take care of me so she put me up for adoption. But at least I know she loved me and I read my adoption papers and was so happy to find out she loved me so much and checked "yes" to all the questions regarding reuniting with me. I never got along with my adoptive parents and never felt loved by them, so this was a really big deal for me. I think about her every day and sometimes I even cry.. I'm going to see her some day.. some day soon.


----------



## Ded Negatives (Jul 16, 2013)

I was unplanned, but not really unwanted. I guess I just got lucky that my parents took responsibility for their stupid actions.


----------



## min0taur (Nov 17, 2012)

Relz said:


> I was wanted, but unfortunately I was wanted by people who didn't have a chance of raising me to become a functional human being.


yes same with me. I would have turned out so much better if my fake parents had any competence in raising a child. It's fusterating but what are you gunna do?


----------



## Raynic781 (Feb 8, 2013)

My parents said I was a "wanted accident" if that makes sense! They wanted another child after my brother, but they didn't plan to have me right then. It hasn't affected me in anyway.


----------



## StrangetoBehold (Apr 26, 2012)

Oh, yes. My step-dad never failed to remind me that my mom's pregnancy was unplanned, I wasn't wanted, my grandparents wanted me aborted, and my real dad didn't love me or care what happened to me. Which, you know, was so great to hear as a young child, especially since he knew I still had to face those people.


----------



## markwalters2 (Mar 18, 2013)

I am an unwanted adult.


----------



## bottleofblues (Aug 6, 2008)

I was unplanned but i've never felt unwanted.


----------



## Odinn (Dec 15, 2012)

I was unplanned and my parents stated that they had never wanted a fifth child.
They didn't hate me for that but I felt at times that they just didn't care.


----------



## Letmebe (Dec 17, 2012)

I was not supposed to exist ( my mum was sterile supposedly) when I was born I died 3 times during childbirth third time took my mom with me (we both came back but mom passed out so dad named me) within a week of being born doctors realized my grey matter was still expanding/growing and my virtuo robinson spaces were expanding and the sheath of my brain stem was shedding.

I was giving a prognosis of death, didn't die and the conditions halted.
Then at age one or maybe a little before I hit my head on a glass table (despite developing cognitively and motor skills wise quickly, I was a kid and thought climbing a couch was a good idea but I tripped) this caused my very first full "open" or visible seizure (turns out I had subliminal seizures since birth but they may or may not be why I functioned/function at such a high level).

And that began a very fun filled ride of pills, treatments, eventual bullying after a move, madness, depression, Eating disorders and body dysmorphia (genetic and a result if quick cognitive development), SA, PTSD as result of bullying, trips to detox centers and oh so much more stuff that you literally could not write a book about how crazy it was and the fact that I survived was a "miracle".

On the upside my mom got to have a daughter she was never supposed to have, then a son (also unexpected) my parents did love me though we have some issues understanding one another and always have.
I did get many things growing materially(due to possibly dying any day) and honestly I should of told my folks about what was happening before stuff got really bad.
In my case I may of been a surprise but I was a wanted one, that came with a very costly price tag in the upper millions..

And the daughter who was born fighting and refused to die did grow up though not so happily ever after yet but working on that.

More or less I am the mutant miracle child that just kept (and keeps) everyone guessing, sounds fun right?


----------



## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Persephone The Dread said:


> This girl who was really damaging to me who followed me right through my entire schooling period told me often that my mum didn't want me and though I didn't believe her at first that **** get's to you over time and it really started to bother me.
> 
> I can't bring myself to wish ill on anyone really, but sometimes I find it hard to wish that girl (now a woman) well now. She emailed me a while ago and I decided it was healthier to ignore it.


what the hell? was she your "friend" or something?


----------



## MrQuiet76 (Aug 26, 2011)

i was never flat out told that i was "unwanted" but i've been told that i was unplanned. i guess once i was born, my dad was so upset that i was around that he vowed to never have another child


----------



## inerameia (Jan 26, 2012)

I was unplanned. And my mom's dad wanted her to get an abortion. So I guess I was unwanted in that sense. Then she tried to kill herself while pregnant. I guess I'm sort of lucky to be alive. I just sometimes wish I was never born. My dad isn't around. My mom is too mentally ill to be around without it being awkward... it's just weird for me to live.


----------



## h00dz (Dec 25, 2012)

I was unplanned, and almost unwanted. My mother was on the way to the abortion clinic with her sister when she realized she couldn't go through with it. On the flip side, I know my father didn't give 2 ****s about me, kicked my mother to the curb the second he found out, and never contacted any of us since. Good old dads.


----------



## alkeith (Aug 14, 2013)

My parent never told anything like, though i still don't feel loved enough. My family is pretty much not supportive and emotionally draining.


----------



## Archeron (Aug 11, 2013)

Unplanned and not surely if wanted either.My mother would have been content with just my brother,but my grandmother stopped her.
And so here i am.Big mistake.


----------



## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

oh.. my...god. (i typed "lol" there before because i nervously laughed... the laugh was meant to express how crazy that girl sounds. i really meant to say how sorry i am you got targeted by a possible school-age female sociopath, and that i sympathize with your feelings of trauma.)

you know, i kind of have a similar story... is this sort of thing common? i still feel fear as well. fear that she's reading this. and i don't want her to feel hurt, but it's hard to get her to reflect and feel remorse about her behavior. so i distanced myself. it's been years now.

when i said that i'd lost 10 years of normal development in that friendship, my brother said that relationship was "my choice", that everyone told me to get away from her... but he absolutely doesn't understand that it didn't feel like my choice.

my friend also lied. alot. she lied and told me she had a brain tumor in the beginning. it wasn't that, that made me go along with it. it was that i had no self-esteem and no defenses. my mom and sister were both pretty similar to my friend in certain ways. so i was used to going along with them, even though i was miserable. i had to learn that not all girls/friends are going to be that way.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I was and AM wanted!

In fact, I was induced two weeks early - the docs were afraid I would get too big. I ended up exactly eight pounds and exactly 21 inches long born at exactly 4:00 :lol


----------



## Dark Alchemist (Jul 10, 2011)

Well my parents did want a girl first and they got that wish with me, but I did find out I was born six months (and I'm not premature) after my parents married, lol.


----------



## dubbelsuk (Aug 16, 2013)

My parents are superstitious and when I came along a chain of bad omen- like events begun to occur, nothing supernatural though. My mom still speaks of how unlucky I am to this day.


----------



## SolusSAF (Aug 17, 2013)

I was supposed to be a boy. They even had a name picked out. I think I was my dad's little boy though.


----------



## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

Not really an accident but imagine being told by your mother that you are here because your sister needed a playmate. She even said I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the doc who said it was better for the first born to have a sibling.


----------



## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

^ everyone is telling me to have another child for my daughter's sake.


----------



## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

No, my dad was so excited when my mom got pregnant that he didn't leaver her side for months. Everyone teased him about it (and still do). When my mom gave birth to me he took emergency leave and flew in from his job overseas. I'd say I was pretty wanted.


My youngest brother was a complete accident, but he is also the favorite of the family so doesn't mean anything.


----------



## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

popeet said:


> ^ everyone is telling me to have another child for my daughter's sake.


Please don't tell that to the one that comes after.


----------



## CeeDee4 (Jul 21, 2013)

At 38 years old I know not only that I was not wanted by my parents but also not wanted by my siblings. They were 10,11 and 12 when I was born. My parents told me they were exhausted from having three kids in a row and when they got pregnant with me the response was "Oh crap." My siblings were "annoyed" that mom was having another baby.

In fact my one sister, after being on and off close or distant through the years, is now estranged from me again. My brother and I have NEVER been friends, he hated me from the day I was born and was a mental health nightmare and drug problem guy anyway. My other sister, same sporadic closeness/distant behavior with her, told me off via email yesterday when I had gone to her for advice after having trouble in my marriage.

I honestly believe none of them have EVER wanted to be bothered with me.


----------

