# Goal: Talking to Girls (Or random people)



## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

I've been reading material about approach anxiety, social anxiety, and any type of fear of people for almost a year now. I've always had the end goal of being able to ask any girl out on a date and get a girlfriend, but after almost a year of having that goal, it has not happened. I've had numerous chances to talk with attractive girls, including opportunities of girls clearly flirting with me, girls actually approaching me and my initial anxiety making them feel awkward, and girls trying to get me to talk with them by sitting close. I always freeze and never work up the courage or strength to talk with them. Finally, I've read something that makes it clear why I've been failing to make it to that goal; I'm selfish. 

My goals were GET a phone-number, GET a date, GET a girlfriend, etc. A lot of my, and probably your, anxious thoughts are generated by feeling "I" will be embarrassed, "I" will get laughed at, "I" will get rejected, or "What will they think of ME!"; We never think of the other person. When you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about them, it becomes a lot easier to talk to someone. You stop caring if the interaction will go well, or if you'll say something wrong, and just concentrate on getting to know that other person as best you can and treating them like a friend. If you love others even if they don't love you, you release the selfish fear you have.

So with a new mindset, I'm looking to make a fresh start on my goals. I no longer want to be treating the girl like she is the trophy I, and many other guys, are trying to get; I want to start seeing myself as the trophy. I want to stop acting like people are judges I have to constantly impress and entertain, and more as friends that I haven't met yet. With all that in mind, my main goal is:

- Talk with and get to know at least 1 girl by the end of the night tomorrow.


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## Mark02 (May 4, 2010)

Thanks man, this is good advice. Unfortunately I'm not attractive, so girls don't flirt with me or check me out at all. I need to work on the "being interested in the other person" part.

Best of luck with your goal tomorrow night. You can do it.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Well, I went out tonight and it went pretty well. I think talking to a random girl was too big of a step, but I did manage to make small talk with a store employee as well as talk to a cute girl in my church's youth-group that wanted me to attend Wednesday. I'm actually more excited. than anxious. for it and there will be a few hundred people and I can use it as a big step forward!


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

Look at your language.

You talk about "working up" the courage to talk to someone. So, when people are near you, you have to spend time working up the courage to talk to them instead of just talking to them.

So, this "working up" process you use to get the courage to talk to people. Is there any way to make it go faster?


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

joinmartin said:


> Look at your language.
> 
> You talk about "working up" the courage to talk to someone. So, when people are near you, you have to spend time working up the courage to talk to them instead of just talking to them.
> 
> So, this "working up" process you use to get the courage to talk to people. Is there any way to make it go faster?


lol, when you put it that way, it does make it sound stupid. The "working up" process is really just my brain contemplating if something bad will happen and what it would be, and me attempting to push those negative thoughts out of my head.


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## recover (Apr 30, 2011)

*me too*

there asome good perspectives on this thread. The member who started the thread seemed like he was coming from a spiritual 12 step like apprach. For instance AA focuses on selfishness and self-centered fear being a big part of the problem and a big part of the solution is "getting out of oneself". or thinking of others, seeomg


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## recover (Apr 30, 2011)

*me too (cont)*

seeing what one can contribute, ect. The way the member put it makes sence though and could be helpful, I have tried this type of thinking in the past and sometimes it has worked and others it hasnt.


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