# How do you meet people?



## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

i don't have advice, i'm in the same boat as you and wonder the same thing.
some of that first paragraph was like words from my mouth. i'm not commitment phobic, but i am scared that it will never happen for me. i keep to myself a lot too, which does not help.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Anywhere is the answer. You just got to say "screw what society thinks" and be more flirtatious and blunt when your out. For instance, let's say your at a grocery store and you see a hansom clerk or w/e, you just have go up to that guy and say "Hey, your kind of cute. Do you have a girlfriend?". If he says no then get *HIS *number so your certain you can get a hold of him. The problem with a lot of some female perspectives is that they think they shouldn't be so direct, but that is also why some girls wait so long for potential prospects. Screw what the "normal" is! Any person confined to the confused "laws" of society isn't seeing reality for what it is-there are no damn rules! Gender roles seriously need to be banned because they don't do anyone any good but cause limitations and confusion...

From you picture you seem like an attractive woman. Look at any situation as an opportunity because it is. People meet each other at weddings, grocery stores, video stores, coffee shops, through friends, bars, strip clubs, SA forums, China, walking dogs, hair solons, etc. If you see someone you may fancy be ready to initiate a conversation with that person so you can get to know them, get their number, exchange numbers, etc. Cold approaching is part of the game. It doesn't matter if your with friends or not, you have to approach someone your interested in, and chances are it is going to be someone you DON'T KNOW, so get used to that and plan for it. When we think outside of the box, or outside of what society deems "acceptable", we begin to see the possibilities are endless!

Obviously, if your too shy to do some of these things then you should work on yourself. There are two main ways in which you "work on yourself": 1) You actively experience it first hand 2) you learn from your experiences. You can't just imagine something better without going through trials and errors because it is a LEARNING PROCESS, and don't think it shouldn't feel like work because it IS if your not used to it, and that is part of the process.

Don't ever say that just because your a woman you have to approach dating the same way most women do by being passive about it. If you approach dating by just looking pretty and giving a few smiles here and there to drop hints then your not giving it your all. Any man or woman who sees anyone (male or female) doing cold approaches, being blunt, etc as a desperate person, then these people are simply to closed-minded to notice that the people doing the approaching are the ones who are usually more confident, successful and happy in life because these people go for what they want!

Get out there and be proactive towards your goal and you'll get it! Plan events with friends where a lot of men are; while your out grocery shopping flirt with men, etc. It doesn't matter! Just make sure you are getting out there and trying!

Meeting people is supposed to be easy. We only make it hard because we limit ourselves due to fears or misconceptions. This is why it is important to think outside of what is considered "normal". Meeting people is easy; finding someone with whom your compatible with is something else...


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## NotRealName (Feb 28, 2010)

Its hard, women in general are waiting for the guy to make the first move. With my SA and wouldn't even think of making the first move. I wish more girls were direct and made the first move, it would be a lot easier on me and other dudes alike.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I don't really know. Sitting here it's easy to say places like school, work, the gym, etc. But for some reason I can never connect the dots in real life. When I did those things, I never made it past the acquaintance stage with people.

These days, I have no social ability anymore. I can't hold a conversation to save my life. The second someone tries to talk to me, I feel a cloud of awkwardness come over me and it's all downhill from there.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

I'm on a dating website, and I'm not into partying ALL the time, as are many guys on SAS. Really, the best way to put yourself out there is to pursue a hobby with a group. Perhaps try meetup.com or take a class (martial arts will put you in contact with a lot of guys). If not, you can always join us over on the dark side and try online dating. Pretty women essentially have their pick of the litter there.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

melissa75 said:


> I see people on here that are "in relationships" or "married", and I just don't know how you get to that point when you have SA.


Mystery to me too, and apparently to many others based on the endless herd of horny young guys considering using prostitutes who've posted over the years since they can't find a GF and think sex will magically cure SA.



melissa75 said:


> but I just don't know how. I know if I had friends, it would be easier. I would go out with them and maybe meet someone...


I've made the same basic comment myself many times. Friends introduce you to more people who in turn introduce you to ever more. But where does one start is their friends number zero?



> I would go to church, but the churches around here are so large and intimidating.


I can't go to church. To much risk of being struck by lightening when a militant Atheist like me enters a holy site. Also, the girls there are going to be into things like god, so they probably won't like me when I fundamentally disagree with their world view.



> I guess my other problem is that I have depression, and it can really bring me down where I'm not fun to be around.


I don't even want to be around me, but unfortunately I am me, so I'm sort of forced to hang out with me regardless how much of a downer I am.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

> I can't go to church. To much risk of being struck by lightening when a militant Atheist like me enters a holy site. Also, the girls there are going to be into things like god, so they probably won't like me when I fundamentally disagree with their world view.


Some of us Christians disagree with ideas but it doesn't mean we dislike the person... everyone has ideas and feelings that are formed from their own experiences... not all people have the same experiences. Glad you added me as a friend.


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## Dub16 (Feb 28, 2010)

It can just happen anywhere Melissa. Yes it helps if you have a few friends as maybe then you're going to be going out more so the odds are higher etc...

BUT, really it can sometimes happen in the strangest of places. I went out with a girl for about 5 months and we actually met in a souvenir shop in Toronto!! She was working there for the Summer and when I went up to buy something she heard my accent and asked where abouts in Ireland I was from.
We started talking and hit it off and stayed in touch when she got home from Toronto and ended up going out together!!
OK, it all ended after 5 months but I definitely never expected to meet a girlfriend in Toronto in a souvenir shop.

I guess what I'm saying is that it can just happen anywhere. Once you "click" with someone.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Mine would occur by chance. They were completely unexpected. The first occurred after sitting alone outside a library. As I entered, I got approached, having been watched from the window. Another occurred through an acquaintance; she was into match-making. One occurred through discussing studies. I was not picky.

Another, which became long-term, came about through dating someone who had a large group of friends. It was the first time I had been on holiday (to the seaside a few days) without family. I would sit quietly among the group and watch their interesting shenanigans; one of them had a conversation with me one morning (and we formed a relationship a few months later). I was very mentally troubled that year, which caused me to get dumped the last night there while in bed; there was so little spark that we hadn't even been intimate while sharing a bed all week. 

When I returned to my postgrad course, I would see the group around everywhere and deliberately sit in their vicinity, saying nothing. They would occasionally joke around, make comments about/to me, and invite me along to the pub. On one of these occasions I ended up on a dance floor with them and couldn't move my body. I left with the person who had conversed with me on holiday who turned out to like me. My differences were enjoyed then, but the responsibility of having a disabled partner played a role in the relationship's destruction. 

My last relationship occurred similarly; we met one day through the random chance of me picking up someone else's phone who wasn't home at the time. She was arranging a holiday for the group. I'd somehow been overlooked and she asked whether I'd like to tag along. I just thought "why not?" I was extremely anxious there, but eventually calmed down. Most of the group ignored me socially as usual and I would draw alone in the bedroom, but this person really wanted to know me and would attempt to converse. Long story, but after a while, I got contacted again to meet up as friends, which became dating, and then a relationship, which I ended recently. It was the most pleasant one by far and taught me a lot about relationships and how to handle them in future. We remain close.

I think just being out there and looking appealing to people generated opportunities; I could barely converse and am not much improved, but it at least got things started. If I had been able to make eye-contact with random people and talk, I suspect I would have met more of them.


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## Makaveli (Jul 15, 2009)

Wow that post was something I can relate to totally Melissa. It frustrates me as well even though I've had several relationships in my life. I totally wish you lived down under! You seem like a decent person and are very pretty. I hope one day mr right comes along for you!


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

OK, the first think you have to think of is what you like to do for fun. What makes you happy. When you figure that out, then get out of the house and go do it. You need to get out of your comfort zone and it is really hard to do. You know you aren't going to meet anyone sitting at home. And nobody is going to want to hang around you if you look like you are uncomfortable. So going out and having fun will make you more approachable. The more exposure you have the more likely you are to meet someone.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Meeting people in the real world has become increasingly difficult for me. It seems like everyone already has their own lives built up. It's also hard finding women who are compatible with someone who is introverted. People seem to genuinely like me once they get to know me, but getting that chance is hard. I'm also a very private person, but I wouldn't mind letting someone special into my world. I'm trying out a more niche dating site, where the odds of finding introverts are much higher.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

Thanks all for sharing your experiences, advice, and encouragement. I wish that you all weren't going though the same things, but I guess that's part of why we're here. A lot of the questions you all have asked me have definitely made me think a little bit more about why this is so difficult for me. It's actually a bit overwhelming considering I prefer to ignore my issues and pretend everything is alright. Also, in the past, I have buried myself in work and in school. My family makes a joke out of "which degree are you going to get now?" or "when are you not working?". Not really funny if they only knew that when I'm not busy, I get extremely depressed. 

I know that I need to get myself out there more, but seriously, I don't know where to start. I go to the grocery store, and there is no one there that interests me or no one even acknowledges me. I go to the gym, but everyone has their earplugs in doing their own thing. No possibilities at work, and just won't think of it b/c of my position. Maybe a dog park, but I'm scared my small dogs will get hurt by big dogs. Silly, I know. Anyway, I'd really like a friend to help me. My only friend moved 2 years ago. She's 4 hours away now and about to move 2 states away, anyway. 

To answer some of joinmartin's questions, I just started seeing a therapist again. I have seen many of them off and on since I was 18. I saw one for the first time in 4th grade. I'm so scared of being labeled "crazy" that it's hard for me to open up. My mom has been called "crazy" by so many people, and I don't want to be like her. The therapy is going alright. It has been a bit enlightening. I didn't realize that I disliked myself so much, and that I really hated myself as a kid. I want so badly to be someone else, just not me. And, I didn't realize I had such serious control issues. So, my goal is to start with liking myself more...finding things I like to do. I guess hoping for a guy right now should be the last thing on my mind. 

Oh, and I believe the depression comes from having an absent, self-absorbed mom "try" to raise me. I was left alone a lot of the time, no structure, no love/affection, and the only interaction we ever had was her yelling at me for being annoying or too emotional/dramatic. I grew up lonely and sad. The only good memories I have are with my grandparents. I always wished I could know what's it like to have either a loving father or mother. 

Ugh, I didn't intend for this to turn into a "poor me" kinda thing. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I need to work on to just move on with my life. 

Anyway, thanks again for the responses!


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## polardude18 (Oct 13, 2009)

I had a girlfriend I met on the internet once, it went well until she drove me crazy.


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## Emptyheart (Sep 15, 2009)

I walk up and say hey you look like my ex bf..that why he knows I'm single.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

The hardest part for many with SA is making initial contact with someone. We all wait and wait and wait for someone to come to us but it's not going to happen. 

For myself, once I am talking to someone the anxiety reduces some and I can carry on a conversation. The big step I have to overcome is walking up to someone and start talking to them out of the blue. 

Just know that advice given may be difficult to follow. If it were easy then you would likely already be doing it.


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## sabueed (May 8, 2008)

Well OP, if I was living in Texas I would go out with you. Just put yourself in a bar and wait till the right guy shows up.


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## STUKINHERE10 (Apr 1, 2010)

All my relationships have ended due to my SA. I dont feel like ill ever get married being the way i am. I just want a nice, pretty girl who understands.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

UltraShy said:


> I've made the same basic comment myself many times. Friends introduce you to more people who in turn introduce you to ever more. But where does one start is their friends number zero?


Work maybe? I've just gotten my first job in 3 years or so. I'm hoping I can network and maybe get a social group there if I get on well enough with people. I'm not going to go overboard desperate asking people if they want to do stuff within 5 minutes of meeting them, but I'll see how it goes.


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## sabueed (May 8, 2008)

Emptyheart said:


> I walk up and say hey you look like my ex bf..that why he knows I'm single.


lol, you really do that. What do they say?


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## CircularThinking (May 9, 2009)

Emptyheart said:


> I walk up and say hey you look like my ex bf..that why he knows I'm single.


If anyone ever said that to me my first thought would be "Awesome I remind her of a relationship that didn't work out well"


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

Op- Good question! I have no clue other than online dating websites...Trouble is i can't relate to anyone as they are all extroverted party animals....Or perhaps i need a girl like that to bring me out of my shell? Even girls i percieve to be shy/quiet turn out to be party animals...I can't find common ground anywhere.

Also with my low self esteem i can't possibly imagine any girl would want me so i guess i have avoided it all my life. I have no friends either.....Boo hoo:no


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## brettdavis4 (Mar 29, 2010)

melissa75, I have the similar problem too. I've given up on online dating mainly because it seems like the women on there are a tad superficial. I've also given up on meeting someone at church. The problem with churches is most of them don't have programs for singles or the people that are single are holier than thou. I'd recommend trying a gym that has group programs. This has helped me out a lot.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

Your self esteem can be worked on through various means. Sometimes, rapid change is perfectly possible and other times it takes longer and a bit more work. But you can make positive changes with regard to your self esteem. Sounds like there's corruption of the self image and negative fundamental beliefs going on too. Not feeling "good enough" for people can be a bit of a hindrance to relationships. But again, that can be changed and worked on.


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

You could join a meetup group in your area and meet people you have some similar interest in.

http://www.meetup.com/

If that's too intimidating you could join a social anxiety meetup group until you get brave enough to join another group. You might find someone to do things with too. It helped me when I first started getting out again. I don't know how far the one below is from you.

http://shyness.meetup.com/224/

You have to get out and you have to be open to meeting people.

Good Luck!


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## herb the dolphin (Mar 26, 2010)

UltraShy said:


> Mystery to me too, and apparently to many others based on the endless herd of horny young guys considering using prostitutes who've posted over the years since they can't find a GF and think sex will magically cure SA.


Uhhh... I'm going to have to say there's always a point where going to a prostitute would probably be a good idea... like if you're 36 and still haven't had sex. If you're young you still have your looks and that's something... after 30, everything starts going down the tubes.

I don't think it's going to help you find someone you care about, but it will make you feel more comfortable being physically closer to women and knowing what to expect in sexual situations-- and for some people, that's an issue. Prostitutes kinda have to be supportive, and chances are they've seen it all and know exactly how to handle you.

Some people might think this sounds sexist, but I'm not trying to be... sex is an important part of life and if you're 36 and it's something you haven't experienced out of fear, I'd say go for it-- but don't get creepy about like I've seen some guys get and start thinking you're a total sexual superstar for it-- you're not.

If you're nice to the prostitute and show her respect then I think it's all good. Really, she's just a girl-- not some horrible subhuman demon trying to steal your soul... and if you look at it that way I don't see the harm. I don't think it's anyone's business to judge her just because she's chosen to have sex for money-- if she's not on drugs or sick or something, she might just be trying to pay for an education, or trying to provide for a sick relative. Usually pros are a lot more careful about staying safe than people in clubs and bars as well.

Anyway, to the original question-- I can't imagine not knowing at least one person who could introduce me to some other person. Even with my shyness and anxieties, I still have a sense of humor and can be charming and such-- it's not like I can't do well in any situation, just some.

Usually, my SA turns them off however... or maybe I just start assuming I've done something and find it hard to convince myself otherwise-- so I tend not to have friends for very long. Or maybe it's because of my liberal views on prostitution????


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## problematic (Oct 15, 2008)

Emptyheart said:


> I walk up and say hey you look like my ex bf..that why he knows I'm single.


Haha. Awesome!


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 22, 2008)

herb the dolphin said:


> ......Anyway, to the original question-- *I can't imagine not knowing at least one person who could introduce me to some other person*.......


Consider yourself lucky then. Not only can I imagine it but I lived it for years, until I got therapy. I am sure there are quite a few people here who are still in that boat.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

For me it's always had to be obvious. Nightclubs or online. Well nightclubs when I'm living abroad and online when I'm in the U.S. So far no relationships from the online stuff but there's always hope.... I'm way too shy and picky so meeting guys through hobbies or friends of friends never worked.


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## Prescious (Apr 12, 2010)

bwidger85 said:


> Anywhere is the answer. You just got to say "screw what society thinks" and be more flirtatious and blunt when your out. For instance, let's say your at a grocery store and you see a hansom clerk or w/e, you just have go up to that guy and say "Hey, your kind of cute. Do you have a girlfriend?". If he says no then get *HIS *number so your certain you can get a hold of him. The problem with a lot of some female perspectives is that they think they shouldn't be so direct, but that is also why some girls wait so long for potential prospects. Screw what the "normal" is! Any person confined to the confused "laws" of society isn't seeing reality for what it is-there are no damn rules! Gender roles seriously need to be banned because they don't do anyone any good but cause limitations and confusion...
> 
> From you picture you seem like an attractive woman


I agree with you. How does beautiful women like you Melissa get Social Anxiety? I don't think I'm really pretty at all. And have never really been told that. I would like to post my picture but I don't know how. Oh well but I am in the same boat as you Melissa. Well I do get guys who flirt with me and I just smile and shy away. Then I get their phone numbers and I never call it because what am I going to say? So I just do online dating which is not working either. So how do I meet a damn man to live with me and love me?


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

I meet them online because I can't meet any in person.


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