# I secretly hate my friend?



## penguinbeak (Jun 5, 2017)

This is long.

Next week I start at a new school, and I previously thought that I was going to be starting alone, but apparently my friend has dropped out from her previous school because she disliked the lectures and I found out yesterday that she's going to the same school. I found out because I had a meeting at the school and she had the same meeting. I was obviously shocked, it was a bittersweet moment because I knew I wasn't going to be completely alone, but I secretly hate her. See here's the thing. I'm trying to get rid of my social anxiety, and I thought I was going to get a fresh slate at this school, and I had my first therapy session last week. The problem is, she also has social anxiety, but she doesn't even know she has it.

I have been friends with her for 5 years, and she has always filled my mind with pessimistic views, so much that I became a pessimistic person myself. She'd always tell me, ''I look fat'' referring to herself, this was everyday, at least 3 times a day. I became very bothered by this, because eventually I also began to hate my weight because I was heavier than her. Before this, I had never seen my weight as a problem. In reality, I checked my BMI, and it states that I'm normal, but because she was focusing so much on her weight, (she'd comment on her own weight, her 'fat' legs, her stomach and it began to annoy me because she was skinny), I also began hating myself. I told her several times to stop talking about her weight, but she never actually stopped. She wasn't anorexic or anything like that, though. She'd also say that she was ugly, and guess what? I now also completely believe that I'm ugly. It's like we were feeding off each other's social anxiety, and that's really unhealthy now that I look at it.

She'd also say things like '' they think I'm stupid'', ''they were looking at me/you'', ''I heard them whispering about me/you'', '' I'm an idiot'', ''They don't want to hang out with us'', ''we're idiots'', ''we're outcasts'' and she would say ''I suck'' in everything -basically unhealthy thoughts like that about herself which I've had about myself for years, but hearing her saying that, I realize now, that it made my social anxiety a lot worse. Yesterday, she said this '' I hate walking around school grounds because people look at me.'' Before, I would've agreed with her, but now I simply said nothing because they're not helping me at all, and then later she said '' We should meet up on Monday before school so that we don't look like idiots.'' She should not group me with herself. I don't think I can take this for the whole school year, but she's the only friend I have, there are two classmates I used to hang out with sometimes but I'm not as close with them. She'd sometimes apologize for stupid trivial things, even though we've been friends for 5 years, and we'd never hang out outside of school even though I did quite frequently with my childhood friend. She also admitted to me that she'd lurk on Facebook and snoop on everyone's photos. 

We had this rivalry over our exam marks and our homework which I hated but she enjoyed. She'd ask me what my marks were but she'd only tell hers if they were higher than mine. I never felt like this with our other friend. She had a victim complex, everything was someone else's fault and never her own.

She talked **** on every girl (we went to a girl's school) and the prettier they were, the more jealous she was. There was one girl who wished to be a model, and my 'friend' would comment on her 'thin' lips and other facial features. I told her that there was nothing wrong with her and I thought she was pretty, and then she looked at me awkwardly like ''How dare you not agree with me?''. There was an intelligent girl in our class, who was also popular, and my friend was obsessed over her, she would always talk **** about her, and I feel ashamed that I also began to feel jealous after that, but now I realize jealousy doesn't make anyone happy. 

She'd also have these strange mood swings. Sometimes she'd come to school extremely happy, and sometimes extremely grouchy, and she expected me to sink or rise to her level every time. During breaks we'd mostly sit awkwardly, staring at other people, because we had nothing to say to each other.
During our final year we had a big fight, because these school interviews with a bunch of companies were being organized, for us to practice our communicating skills, and she applied for one. I only found out because she received her acceptance thing and she was absent from the school, so the teacher asked me to keep it for her. I was really angry all of a sudden. Maybe I was in the wrong, but we'd been friends for 5 years, and she'd deliberately hid this from me for no reason, even though she'd had plenty opportunities to me while we were staring at each other awkwardly during our breaks, and this wasn't some personal thing that she had to hide. 

I later found out that our friend didn't know either. I may be socially behind, but I know friends tell each other things. I didn't tell her that I had the acceptance paper thing, but I did secretly apply for an interview even though I was terrified. I told our friend but I didn't tell her. She called me the day before the interview, and nonchalantly asked me if I had the paper, I told her yes, and she asked me to scan it using a scanner and send it to her. I told her this was no need, because I was coming tomorrow and i'd bring it with me. She kept on bugging me to scan it, and I finally snapped and asked her if she didn't trust me enough to count on my word? And then she said some bull**** about me randomly skipping school a few other times, and then I hung up on her because I was angry. The next day, I came to school just like i'd said, with ****ing paper and I gave it to her. In the school hall we had a screaming match but then we made up later, but secretly I wasn't over it. It's silly, I know, but I thought 5 years of friendship came over a slip of paper for a fake school interview, but anyways, maybe I am socially inept after all. I thought she trusted me enough to bring her a piece of paper.

She always talks **** on other people, our old classmates, total strangers, our friends and even our own best friend which we hung out with for 5 years, actually she talks about her the most. I feel like I've changed ever since I've been friends with her. She came with her own friend to school, but as soon as she saw me she dumped her and didn't even mention her to me until I asked about her. She contacted me this week before I saw her in school, but I saw it too late because I keep my phone on silent, and I realize that she contacted me as soon as she knew that she was going to my school, not before. 

I don't know what to do, I feel like a ****ty person, but I don't enjoy being friends with her at all. 
We (me and the friend) have no lessons together in this new school. What should I do?


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

Tell your therapist about her. I don't think it's a good idea to resume your friendship with her as it was. It's probably best to be polite but keep some distance between you and her and don't engage / agree with her when she starts being negative, she's trying to drag you down with her and you have to show you're not going to participate in that kind of toxicity anymore. Try to make other friends (I know, easier said than done when you have SA), but the more you expand your social circle the better off you'll be in the long run. Hanging around with a deeply troubled and neurotic person is only going to make you more neurotic.


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## penguinbeak (Jun 5, 2017)

Rains Thanks for the advice, I will try to do that.


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