# Disrespected at work



## pied vert (Jan 23, 2016)

I am disrespected at work. I tend to ignore these things or pretend it's all benign because of lack of self-respect. In fact, it's because I am meek and self-doubting that I think people at work were inspired to lose whatever default respect they had for me. The rest of the reasons are probably that I am not social/overly friendly so they think of me as rude (this is how all people react to SA), and that I don't do well in meetings - I have a hard time following what people are saying and when they misunderstand me, I don't bother to correct them, I just let them think I am an idiot.

I am a backend programmer in a start-up. I even work with a female CEO and a female coworker who is also basically my manager. You would think, according to the statistics, that this would improve my chances of being respected, since I am a girl too. To be honest, it would probably just be even worse if they weren't women, since at least my coworker tries to cover it up with a nice tone or smiley emojis.

I joined this place understanding that it was a very casual, young start-up environment, where everyone is treated mostly equal. I didn't even know what my relationship was to the person who hired me. I think they actually felt similarly vague at the beginning, but then shifted their position towards me to one of thinking lowly of me, and then formalized it after that like it can be no other way.

It started quite early (I have been here a bit over a year). It has happened that I have said something, and other people did not even listen. They just continued working on their laptops. My coworker tried to summarize what I said again, and suddenly the same people lifted their heads and started talking to her about how exciting and marvelous technology can be - over a feature that _I_ wrote.

My coworker makes arbitrary decisions ALL the time. There are a million subtle differences in how you can handle a technical problem. You can choose that right now is the right time to be picky about extremely small details, or that it is time to move on. She always gets her say on which way we go even when I have perfectly good reasons to want to do it a certain way, and she just picks one. It seems based on nothing except an initial bias or understanding. Other times, she will use the exact same type of arguments that I've made to defend my wish to do something, and which she has successfully dismissed, in order to make her own points. She knows that I have to listen to her, so she just states it like it is a fact and like she is doing me the favor of explaining to me why this is happening.

When she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't even respond to something I have said (we are working remotely and talk over Slack), whereas I am responsible to every concern from her. It is just because of the power dynamic, and not because it is clear that one side is right. She otherwise is very proud of being a reasonable person who is open to a good counterargument, but she sometimes reaches quite far to support her side, against logic that she has used in the past in order to justify something else.

I just have to live with this. It wasn't clear when I first started that I was being hired under her. In fact, it seemed like we would mostly work together and collaborate, and that is the dynamic that pretty much everyone else in the office has with each other. I believe the CEO recognized this dynamic between me and her and decided to pursue it herself, because of my poor ability to speak in meetings. So I have seen her enforce the dynamic more and more, pushing me to the side. I can understand that it is just because I had the opportunity to prove that I was more capable and independent and I failed.

I actually believe that the only place I'm not as good as my manager/coworker is in meetings, our team-wide meetings and even my meetings with just her. I am horrible at defending myself or asserting myself. I always assume the person who's talking who I don't agree with is right. My SA doesn't help at all.
This morning, she asked for my review of her code and I submitted it, but I also approved her code so that she could take my suggestions and then go ahead with my approval when she had addressed my comments. I also told her that I left some comments for her despite approving it in advance. She said "Thanks", she marked my comments as having been acknowledged, and then went ahead with the approval. She didn't even care to respond to them to say why she's not going to address my suggestions before finishing the feature. There was also nothing wrong about the suggestions I made, they were minor, but better to be fixed. It is just within her authority to do something like that, while I have to submit to very debatable and minor comments she makes to me.
That is just an effing 1980s style work dynamic. Not of a tech start-up made of 20-something year olds.

I have been disrespected my whole life. By family, schoolmates, why not at work. Casually dismissed like it is only natural.
I dream of finding another job. It is my fantasy to work within the programming field, but on a cause I really, really love. The one cause I care about is animal welfare and would love to get into animal welfare innovation, but these industries barely exist since animals don't pay. The place I work at right now is about digitizing people's health data to make it more accessible and manageable, which is actually _hugely_ nicer than most companies I find when I am job-searching. I can't work at a place whose mission it is to just: entertain, make convenience technology, or make useless or detrimental products for money. I want to work on something I am proud of. Making health data accessible is actually much more noble of a goal than most other ones. But I am getting to the point where I can't stand the disrespect.

I have it good here in some ways. I think we might become permanently work from home, which I like. They are otherwise lenient about other things, like taking time off/sick days. They are more casual about certain things, like not behaving strictly professionally with each other, we can dress in sweat pants pretty much, and there are no usual business formalities. I really like those things. I also really like the fact that I have a job, since it is pretty hard these days I imagine to find a job in my field. I need a job. I look sometimes, but the options I find terrify me and I think to myself, "I hope these people never fire me," and that is my loop of depression. Being desperate that the people who disrespect me don't finally throw me away.


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## willbefatherof2 (Dec 29, 2020)

I am glad you currently have a job in this climate too.

Even if you aren't actively looking for work, try to take inventory of the work you have done for them and listing it on your resume to prepare for the what if. It at least helps you write your annual review if your work place does that and to remind you and them why what you did is not dispensable if not respectable/brilliant.

It sounds like your work place is using something like GIT change version system. I am going thru the work I did this past year to at least remind my boss of the stuff I did and why I am around.

As an introvert, I am forever doomed to being overlooked and diminished especially when it comes to raises and promotions, but I at least am somewhat important enough that they can't get rid of me so that I can keep on making paychecks to support myself and my family.


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## pied vert (Jan 23, 2016)

willbefatherof2 said:


> I am glad you currently have a job in this climate too.
> 
> Even if you aren't actively looking for work, try to take inventory of the work you have done for them and listing it on your resume to prepare for the what if. It at least helps you write your annual review if your work place does that and to remind you and them why what you did is not dispensable if not respectable/brilliant.
> 
> ...


:heart


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## Fixxer (Jul 12, 2011)

I gotta admit that it's kinda sad, about jobs, that the ability to do the work is only a portion of the job. By that, I mean that what is often most important is your status in the social clique that goes on out there. I'm actually pretty glad that you work from home now, as it might relieve you of the harm of others. I also had a difficult time dealing with others in most jobs I had. I was often the black sheep. I know the feeling of, when you come up with something, but if someone else mentions what you said, then people will listen to that person and weren't listening when you said the exact same thing prior. Anyway, hope it goes better moving forward.


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## Dan the man (Jul 4, 2013)

I've definitely felt I've dealt with this at times too even if I made it worse in my head. I'm far from a type A personality but sometimes you can pick up assertive behavior at times. Ask yourself who else who do your job if you weren't there?


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## Jared6034 (Nov 23, 2020)

I can relate. It's unfortunate that when people realize I have a low opinion of myself, they decide that I don't matter. Maybe we could use excercises in self-respect. Sometimes I like to remind myself of my worth. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm friendly. What are your valuable characteristics?


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## asittingducky (Apr 23, 2013)

Every job has a pecking order, and people will definitely use their position and contacts as a power play. Just the very nature of how systems and office protocols are designed is more about creating chain of command or keeping people in low positions from doing anything more than it is about efficiency. Everybody wants to be a middle man, that's how they keep their jobs. Yes, it is arbitrary, but any interaction involving two people or more will have politics. These aren't your friends, they have agendas. Just be glad you're not an introvert working at a wolves' den. I have been in healthcare for some years and understand why healthcare workers and doctors are labeled as bullies. To boot, you never know what kind of patient you'll walk into the room with. And there's a strong culture of going after people on a personal level. Any weakness is exploited in full and can become a problem if you let it. All you can do is hone your abilities and look for work somewhere where people aren't trying to create problems out of thin air for your.


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