# Candrnow's CCBT Log for Overcoming Social Anxiety



## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I am a 21-year-old male who has suffered from social anxiety since middle school. I am currently enrolled in a 14-week Comprehensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy group that uses Thomas Richards' "Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step" audio series as the basis for its therapy. It's also probably helpful to mention that I started taking Lexapro two weeks ago. I am only taking 5mg/day at the moment, but I expect the dosage to be increased shortly.

We meet 3 hours every week, with the first hour devoted to cognitive therapy and the next 2 hours devoted to behavioral experiments. Of course, just attending the therapy group is not enough. Each group member is also expected to spend 30 minutes per day practicing therapy from the "OSA" workbook (in addition to listening to the audio tapes). This is probably the most important part of the therapy.

I am keeping a log on this forum to keep myself accountable, to make sure I spend enough time practicing every day.

The therapy group met for the first time on 07/31. This session served mainly as an introduction to what exactly we were going to do in therapy. Our second meeting is on 08/07, and I am determined to be as prepared as possible for that meeting, because that is when the actual behavioral experiments begin. The preparation this week involves listening to CDs 2A & 2B from "OSA," as well as practicing "Slow Talk" and identifying a few Rational Coping Statements that I find helpful for myself.

*07/31/10*:

All I did today was listen to the CDs, I did not do any practicing of the handouts.

*08/01/10*:

I practiced my therapy for 1.5 hours today, from 4:30 to 5:30 and then from 6:00 to 6:30. I read through many of the introductory articles provided by the group leader in Slow Talk and I also read through the workbook handouts in Slow Talk as well. I think I have the hang of it; the concept itself is not too hard, but it IS about repetition, reinforcement, and reprogramming. I have to do this again and again until it seeps into my brain.

I stopped after I finished reading the Rational Coping Thoughts handouts in Slow Talk. I am to choose a few that I really relate to and commit to them, but I will do that tomorrow.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/02/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:*

1. The first thing I did today was practice reading "Rational Coping Thoughts for Anxiety" in slow-talk. I have noticed that when I read things in slow-talk, I do have trouble focusing on what I am reading (because the speed is just so slow!). However, the point of this is just to practice slow-talk so I can use it in real life, so I think it should help anyways.

Here are a few of these statements that I like from the handout:

When Anxiety is Near: General Statements

"I'm going to be alright. My feelings right now are not rational. I'm just going to relax, calm down, distract myself, and everything will be okay."

Statements to use when Preparing for a Stressful Situation

"The feelings I am having about this event do not make much sense. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'll just continue to 'walk' forward until I pass right through it."

Statements to use when I feel overwhelmed

"The anxiety may seem overwhelming at this moment. But I have caught myself this time and I refuse to dwell on it. Instead, I'm going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do. In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink up and disappear."

2. The second thing I did was to read "More STOPPING Statements" in slow-talk. Using the statements on the worksheet, I came up with one of my own: "STOP. Hey, it's no big deal. I can work through these negative feelings by using the strategies I am learning."

3. I then read the "Slow Talk" worksheet two times. Here are the main points:


An important point about slow talk is that you are slowing down your speech just slightly enough that YOU YOURSELF notice the change in speaking rhythm.
When practicing our therapy, it is important to be calm as possible. Dr. Richards says it takes 45-55 days of repetition before our brain automatically begins using these strategies. This means, of course, we have to be persistent and consistent.
Slow talk can _prevent us from being as anxious_. How? "If you stay in slow talk mode, there is not much chance you can speed up, get the adrenaline pumping, and then become socially anxious." The more we have the ability to use slow talk, the more we will feel in control of various situations. High anxiety over real-world situations can be controlled by slow talk.
To get slow talk deep down into our brain, we need to practice it again and again at home before moving it out into real-world settings. It is important that we do this slowly at first, feeling the success behind it at this point, and then move it up gradually to other situations.
4. Next, I read (am reading) "Automatic Negative Thought Stoppage #1" in slow-talk. Here are the main points:


The hardest part of stopping automatic negative thoughts is _noticing_ you are having them in the first place. Many times, we are in the cycle of negative thinking before we are ever consciously aware of it.
We are going to try and catch as many of these ANTs this week as we can. This is *the point of this Week #2, to practicing catching ANTs.*
Once you have "caught" or realized the presence of an ANT, Dr. Richards suggests making an out-loud, verbal statement. It is not enough to simply realize the presence of an ANT; we must actively, verbally notify our brains that we will not accept these automatic negative thoughts and beliefs. By _telling_ our brains we will not accept having negative thoughts and beliefs, we will help our brain realize we're having them more and more often. Then, we can do something about them.
Always stay realistic and rational when making statements to ourselves. If our statements are realistic, our brains will accept them and act upon them.
Once we have made our STOP statement, it is important to find an activity to distract ourselves with so we can keep our minds OFF the negative thinking. We will want to use distractions for many weeks until we can stop the negative thinking by our thoughts alone. For now, distractions are very important. Dr. Richards suggests singing as a distraction that works well. If we are singing or humming along to a song that we enjoy, we have to be using a completely different part of the brain than when we are thinking or speaking. In other words: if the singing portion of our brains are more active, then the thinking portion of our brains have to be less active.
One distraction is not enough. Find several that work for you.
We won't be using distractions forever, but for right now they are very important for breaking up ANTs. Find as many distractions as you can to help with ANT stoppage.
5. I am now reflecting on the therapy practice I have accomplished today. It seems the most important things to do at this point are:


Catch the ANT. Realize you're having an ANT.
Say *STOP!* out-loud or at least out-loud in your mind if there are people around.
State a Rational Coping Statement to yourself that is realistic. i.e.

"The feelings I am having about this event do not make much sense and are not rational. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'll just continue to 'walk' forward until I pass right through it."
Right now, at this point in therapy, we must also distract ourselves to cut off the negative thinking abruptly. Just repeating the Rational Coping Statements to ourselves is not sufficient to break up this vicious ANT cycle, so find an activity to do to take your mind off these harmful negative thoughts.
*Behavioral Therapy*:

Today, I went to pick up my contacts from the optometrist. Of course, I felt anxious about the situation, but I distracted myself successfully by singing songs to myself and humming and whistling. I notice that I need to *focus hard* on whatever activity I'm doing or else my mind automatically starts wandering.

Even though I successfully distracted myself on the drive there and the walk into the office, I "forgot" to distract myself once I was actually inside the office. That is something I need to work on. That's not to say I had many ANTs in the office though. I was not TOO anxious after all about picking up my contacts, just a little.

Tomorrow, I have to go to my psychiatrist's office. I get anxious when talking to the receptionists. My plan for tomorrow is to distract myself by singing or humming in the car on the drive there to break up the ANTs. When I do get to the office and have to sign in, I will use slow talk to slow down my mind. I will focus on the words that are coming out of my mouth and this will break up ANTs that I have.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/03/10:*

I listened to 2A & 2B about 2 times today. I say "about" 2 times because sometimes I will just skip around and listen to random sections.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. The first thing I did today was read aloud my 4 Rational Coping Statements aloud in slow-talk. I then decided to record myself reciting these statements, save it into an MP3 file, and then transfer that file into my MP3 player so I can play it back to myself. Dr. Richards suggested this as an idea so we can allow these statements to sink into our brain. I will try listening to these statements when I am in bed tonight. Perhaps they will calm me down, I have sleep anxiety sometimes anyways.

2. I then read yesterday's summary of the 2 worksheets in slow-talk to refresh my mind of the main points. I have to admit I don't know all the main point of these worksheets off the top of my head, but at least the concepts are familiar to me now at this point.

3. I read "My Garden" aloud in slow-talk. The article may be somewhat corny, but I really love it.

4. I read (am reading) "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance," by Leon F. Seltzer. It seems like a good article to take in. Here are some points that I wanted to summarize:


It is only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we _stop being so hard on ourselves_.

(Work in progress, to be continued tomorrow)

5. I listened to my Rational Coping Statements many times last night before I slept. It was a useful exercise for drilling those statements into my psyche. All 4 of those statements involve recognizing the ANT, stopping yourself from dwelling on the ANT, and focusing your attention elsewhere in a calm manner.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I was not too anxious at the psychiatrist's office. One small triumph I had was actually saying more than a few words to the receptionist right off the bat. Most of the time, the anxiety gets to me so when I walk up to a receptionist or cashier or someone like that I'll try to say as little as possible to get the attention off of me. This time, I actually told her my name and appointment time right off of the bat instead of having to be prompted. I attribute this success to distracting myself in the moments leading up to me walking up to the receptionist's window and to slow-talk as well (when the words came out of my mouth).

There was a cuter receptionist as well. Truth be told, I get very anxious around attractive girls and am less anxious around plain girls. The cuter receptionist was busy, so I ended up at the other window. The positive thing is, before in the past I definitely would have made a beeline for the plain receptionist to avoid having anxious feelings about looking like a fool in front of the cute receptionist. This time, however, I was willing to try and confront my fears and work through them. *I'm going to have to do more of this in the future.*
I also was at Marshall's in the afternoon looking for clothes. I really did not put many of the strategies I am learning into play. I sort of let the anxieties eat away at me without catching the ANTs.

I still need more experience catching my ANTs right in the middle of an anxiety-producing situation. I think I can do it more often than not if I'm alone with my thoughts, but it is much harder to do if I'm in a social situation. The group leader emphasized focusing on the external more because that of course means there is less focus on the internal.

I suppose this will be my strategy in social situations:


Simply tell myself: "STOP! Focus on the external." It is difficult to recite a Rational Coping Statement to myself right in the midst of a social-anxiety-producing situation.
Use the external as the distraction.
If there is a lull in the social situation, I will automatically come back to my own thoughts. In this case, I can recite a Rational Coping Statement to myself.
Using the external as the distraction is key, I think.
 I also practiced slow talk when talking with a friend last night. It was very helpful and I notice I did have more control over my social anxiety. Even though he is a close friend, I sometimes trip over my words still when I talk with him. I noticed my stuttering decreased a lot when I was slow-talking.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/04/10:*

I listened to bits and pieces of the CDs today while driving in my car.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read (am reading) my Rational Coping Statements aloud to myself. I do not think that there is any need to memorize these statements, which is something that I was leaning toward for these past few days. The important components of any Rational Coping Statement are simply:


Tell yourself in a forceful manner to stop having this Automatic Negative Thought. Tell yourself the ANT is not rational.
Tell yourself you are going to focus on something else (distraction or external) right now, and in this way the ANT will have to wither up and die.
I am confident that as long as I keep these 2 points in mind, I can keep my anxiety at bay in any social situation. I believe in this therapy.

2. Even though this is my log for dealing with social anxiety, I also would like to apply the strategies I am learning right now to general anxiety. I think I have to modify a few certain things in order to accomplish this.

For example, I cannot tell myself to simply focus away from my anxiety and that my ANT will wither up and die. This is irresponsible, I believe. On the other hand, I also need to find some way to get rid of the anxiety so I can focus on the task at hand.

In fact, as I was practicing therapy by reading my Rational Coping Statements aloud, I suddenly became anxious about various things I needed to take care of.

I told myself to STOP, and tried to focus on the therapy again. However, I was bothered by feelings of irresponsibility. I felt like I was simply sweeping things under the rug. So I decided that for general anxiety, I have to confront things head on.

A tentative strategy for dealing with a specific case of generalized anxiety that pops up daily in my life:


Identify what exactly it is I am having anxiety about.
If the anxiety is about something that I need to do (for example, studying that I am running behind on), I am going to write it down in my agenda (I admit it is slightly embarrassing for a guy to be using an agenda :b) and allot a specific time AFTER my task at hand so I can tend to doing it. In this way, I am freeing myself from the feelings of having swept something under the rug as well as giving myself the power to focus on whatever it is I am focusing on right now.
 I can add to the list when I am confronted with other generalized anxiety situations.

3. Some points from "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance" (continued from yesterday). I also read the article in slow-talk once.


It is only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we _stop being so hard on ourselves_. Self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems we unwittingly create for ourselves as adults.
Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand; in fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness.
Cultivating a capacity for self-acceptance requires that we learn how to be more compassionate toward ourselves. For only when we _better understand and forgive ourselves_ for everything we've regarded as blameworthy can we obtain the relationship to self that we so desire.
Recognize that everyone bears emotional scars that are reflections of our efforts to counter the legacy of our parents' conditional love. Understanding this inevitably generates increased self-compassion, which can inspire us with feelings of kindness and goodwill toward ourselves that we may have habitually withheld.
Given all of our negative self-referencing beliefs and biases, we've done the best we could have. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don't accept about ourselves and - as agents of our own healing - *bring compassion and understanding to each point of self-rejection.*
The more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we'll be able both to _forgive_ ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future.
Ultimately, we're really not to blame for anything. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. If we're to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that given our internal programming up to this point, we could hardly have behaved differently.
Regardless of what we may have already concluded, we were, in a sense, _always_ innocent - doing the best we could, given what was innate in us, how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and what (however unconsciously) we happened to believe about ourselves. And that which determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses, so it almost borders on the cruel to blame ourselves or hold ourselves in contempt for acting in ways that at the time we thought would help protect us from emotional distress.
Self-acceptance also involves being willing to recognize, retrieve, and make peace with parts of the self that till now may have been abandoned, shunned, or repudiated. As long as we refuse to accept and accommodate these split-off aspects of self, unconditional self-acceptance will remain forever out of reach.
Accepting ourselves without conditions, we can view ourselves benignly, that all of our "aberrations" are "okay," realizing that however bizarre or egregious our imagining may be, they're probably nothing more than fantasized compensations for hurts or deprivations we've suffered in the past.
(I will summarize the last part of this article tomorrow; it's very long lol)

4. I'm going to print all of my log entries out and read them. I may write a reflection tomorrow.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I went to two stores today to pick out my agenda. I caught some of my ANTs and told myself to STOP, but I definitely do NOT regard this little trip as a success in terms of behavioral therapy.

Why?


I need to work harder at catching specific ANTs about my body image. I was very self-conscious today about the way I looked and presented myself. I really need to find a good distraction for myself when I'm having ANTs in public, which brings me to my next point.
I think taking my MP3 player with me wherever I go is going to help. That is a perfect distraction. In fact, I used to use it even long ago and I always find listening to music helps me to divert attention away from anxious feelings.
It is very hard to keep myself from going back to having ANTs, even if I have already caught them. I need to tell myself to really *FOCUS* on whatever it is I'm doing, whether that may be walking to a certain aisle in the store or communicating my question to a sales person.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/05/10:*

I did not listen to the audio tapes today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read a few articles from my binder in slow-talk: "Excerpt from Tape #1," "Excerpt from Tape #2," & "My Garden". I am trying not to force it at this point. When I initially started slow-talk, I would enunciate every single word and my voice would sound strained as well as be deepened (my throat would be constricted).

2. I got an e-mail from the group leader indicating that we _are_ supposed to memorize our Rational Coping Statements. I have decided to go with 2 from the original four I selected:


STOP. The feelings I am having right now are not rational. I am just going to calm down and focus on something else. In this way, my anxiety will have to wither up and die.
STOP. The feelings I am having right now are not rational. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'm just going to keep "walking" until I pass right through it.
3. I spent 30 minutes last night lying in bed trying to apply some of the ideas from the "Self-acceptance" article to certain things I did in the past that I had felt shameful about. Basically, I tried to understand why I still feel shame over incidents that happened so long in the past and told myself that it was "okay." Something helpful that I kept telling myself was: "At that point in your life, there was only one way for it to have turned out as it did. It's not your fault."

It was a useful exercise, and I hope to do more of this sort of psycho-analysis on myself in the future.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*Nothing today.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/06/10:*

I did not listen to the audio tapes today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read a lot of the articles in slow-talk, like "My Garden," the last section of "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance," "Taking in the Good," & some of the supplemental articles on the SAI website. I wrote in my log entry yesterday that I was having trouble using slow-talk with my "normal" voice, but it is a lot easier now after all the practice I did today.

2. I've memorized my rational coping statements. I'm going to write them here once again from memory:


The feelings I am having right now are not rational. I'm just going to calm down and focus on something else. In this way, my anxiety will have to wither up and die.
The feelings I am having right now are not rational. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'm just going to keep "walking" until I pass right through it.
3. I wanted to copy and paste a blurb from Dr. Richards' Session #2 Q&A guide: 

A: Distractions work best when you are alone or not around too many people. They work less well when in close contact with people. Instead of using distractions, calm down as much as possible (practice calming down and taking a deep breath) and use slow talk with the person you are talking to. Take your time, speak clearly, and use your ability to speak more precisely and slowly.

 By doing this, you will not have much time to focus on your internal (usually negative) thoughts and self-doubts. Anytime that talking to people is involved, calm yourself down and use slow talk. *Forget about distractions and thought stoppage -- this is too much to remember and it does no good to search around for "what handout to do".* Much better to focus on the other person and calmly talk to him/her."

So it turns out that I was right in my inkling about just focusing on the external instead of resorting to thought stoppage and a rational coping statement when *in social situations.* That simplifies things a lot. Of course, when there is a lull in the conversation or whatever situation it may be, I can go back to the rational coping statements and use them. 


*Behavioral Therapy*:

I went to a local gym today and asked for a tour. I was interested in joining the gym actually, but I had been curious about what the inside looked like for a while and I thought that it would be a good opportunity for a behavioral experiment.

I was very nervous going up to the front desk and inquiring about the tour, but using distractions leading up to it and then slow-talk when I was there really helped. I was anxious during the tour, but not too much so.

There was a moment though when 2 other guys around my age were walking toward me, and I didn't really know what to do. I didn't know where my eyes were supposed to go and if I was supposed to walk around them or through the middle of them. It was awkward.

Afterward, I looked at it from another point of view than I would have before, a more self-accepting one. Before, I probably would have beaten myself up over it, but I figured that again, there really was no way to have prevented that from happening. All the circumstances in my life led to that situation happening as it did. It won't always be this way though. I'm dedicated to this therapy so I know I'm going to improve.

As such, I feel pretty good about myself right now.

*Victory Log*:

I'm also going to start logging triumphs every day, as encouraged by my group leader. I'm not sure how much good this is going to do me, but it can't help.


I actually got up the courage to go to the gym and ask for a tour. I was supposed to go yesterday, but family matters came up. I'm proud of myself for being determined and dedicated enough to this therapy to do this behavioral exercise without *****ing out.
I have to admit though, before departing my house and getting in my car, the thought of just staying at home and not going out flitted across my mind. Why deal with all that unnecessary anxiety? However, when that thought came across my mind, I told myself STOP, and distracted myself with getting ready for it (putting on clothes, etc.). I didn't even give myself a chance to continue that negative train of thought. This shows the therapy is making real changes in my life, however small it may be.
The self-accepting point of view that I brought to my awkward encounter at the gym really helped me, I think. I think it would be optimal if I just did not think about it afterward at ALL, but that of course is impossible. I can't just push these kinds of thoughts out of my brain completely, at least not now. The only option I have is to work through them, and this way of thinking is really helping me do that.

Group is tomorrow! We start behavioral experiments tomorrow. I am apprehensive of course, but it will go how it will go. All I can do right now is to remind myself to take rational risks once I get there.

I WANT to bring the anxiety to group tomorrow. It is only in this way that I can learn and discover the ways to work through them. I just have to remind myself of that when the anxiety arises.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/07/10:*

I did not do any CT or BT today other than attending group therapy. I did want to reflect on the things that went on group today though.

We spent the first hour just going over things to do the upcoming week. This week we have to listen to 2 CDs instead of just 1, but CD #3 only needs to be listened to once, if I remember correctly. I haven't done that yet; however, I plan to spend a lot of time tomorrow evening doing that and the cognitive therapy.

During the next 2 hours, we started behavioral therapy. The group members were each supposed to complete a short "pro-activity" report to basically let the group leader know how, when, where, how long, etc. we were doing the cognitive therapy. We could either have emailed the response to him or presented it in front of the group.

I volunteered to go first. I had just printed the questions out but did not have any notes written down. I was familiar with the questions though because I had gone over them at home yesterday in slow-talk so I basically knew the gist of my answers.

The walk up there to the front of the room was nerve-wracking but I started off fine once I started speaking. I was still "internal" but it was a level which was not too anxiety-producing. I would best describe my state of mind as 50% internal and 50% external, where the other members probably could not tell I had much anxiety but where I actually had trouble communicating _exactly_ what I wanted to communicate.

However, in the midst of answering one of the questions I had a hard time trying to word my phrasing. It was then I started stuttering and stammering, and I had to take a moment to collect myself.

I went on and answered the rest of the questions with maybe a 60% internal and 40% external state of mind, which wasn't too bad. Immediately after I had finished though, my performance anxiety came back and negative thoughts about how big a fool I had made of myself came rushing through my head.

This lasted until a few seconds after I had sat back down on the couch, but surprisingly I didn't beat up on myself too much from that point on. I think that all the self-acceptance work I have been doing has been paying off. I just figured, there was no other way that could have gone because of all the life experiences I have had, because of my social anxiety. Or, maybe it could have gone another way, but it went the way it did and I accepted myself.

As the session went on, I did find myself starting to drift back into negative thoughts about my stammering and stuttering up there, but I just distracted myself by focusing on the external, by focusing on what the other group members and group leader were saying and didn't pay those thoughts much attention. I refused to.

Even after the group ended, I did the same thing. I refused to have negative thoughts about how I "performed" or "under-performed" today. In fact, I'm really proud of myself for getting the courage to allow myself to stutter and stammer in front of the group members today.

I am actually glad I went first and did stutter and stammer in front of group. If the other group members are anything like me, they probably would have even been more anxious if the first person who went up there gave some eloquent speech (it's hard not to compare ourselves with other group members; I'm sure we're all trying not to, but it's hard). Perhaps letting my anxiety show made them feel more open to allowing theirs to show as well. After all, that is the point of the group therapy, to bring our anxieties and learn how to work through them.

Funny story: five minutes after I had sat down, I looked down and found myself clutching a book that was on the podium that I had been using when I was up there speaking. I didn't even realize I had anything in my hand up until that point. :lol It turns out that I was such a nervous wreck after I had finished speaking that I had grabbed the book without realizing it. I think it is because perhaps I just wanted something to hold onto to steady myself lol.

We did some other things in group, but I learned the most from this experience. I'm going to be making quite a few entries in my victory log section. 

*Victory Log*:


I think I demonstrated to myself today that I really am committed to this therapy. It's one thing to write that in your log in the privacy of your own home, but it's another thing to put that into action, like I did today. Before group today, I wanted myself to stand up there in the front of the room and give my pro-activity report, and I ended up doing just that, even though the ANTs wanted me to just sit down and give my report. I want so much to improve and get better. I CAN accept the fact that I won't be able to accomplish all the behavioral activities in the all the ways I want to though. Some days will be better or worse than others I'm sure. I think I can accept that.
I let go of beating myself up over "under-performing" while giving my pro-activity report. That is in quotes because I didn't really under-perform at all. I performed just the way I performed, just the way I could have given all that I've been through in my life. In fact, I haven't even beaten myself up over it since I got home! I've thought about it sure, but in a reflective manner, not in any negative way. In fact, I'm actually proud of myself.
I've noticed that my ANT-catching ability has improved a LOT today. Something else that's improved is also the ability to distract myself from the ANTs. I'm not really even using STOP/RCS statements at this point. I'm just monitoring my emotions. Whenever I feel anxiety, I just focus on whatever it is I'm doing at the moment and the anxiety goes away. In fact, I think I caught one emotion today before it even surfaced as an ANT, meaning I couldn't even remember what the negative thought was when I tried. I just noticed I was beginning to feel anxious and immediately focused on something else. Powerful stuff.

There probably is some other stuff I could log about, both in general and in my victory log, but I'm tired. I've been literally typing away in this little box for 40 minutes and it's already 2:30am.

I am going to admit that I do feel anxiety right now about not having done any CT today (like, what if this new state of thinking about things and life in general goes away if I don't do one day of practice?). But, that's an irrational thought, and I'm going to stop thinking about it now. 

Till tomorrow.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/06/10:*

I listened to Session #3 today in one sitting, and then listened to Session #4 today in "one lying." I laid down on my bed while listening to it. I got through the first side fine, but I kept falling asleep when the second side was playing lol. I played it a total of 3 times, and on the 3rd time I finally was able to keep myself from falling asleep. My mind DID drift however when Dr. Richards started to explicitly talk about associating the key word with the feelings of peace. I'll just try again tomorrow.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout 3 times in slow-talk.

2. I read the annual ANTs convention 1 time in slow-talk.

3. I read the ANTs handout one more time in slow-talk. According to Dr. Richards, this is one of the most important handouts in the workbook, and there is neurological research that shows it works for catching ANTs. I suppose it just makes the reader much more aware when he or she is having an ANT.

_"This handout has been proven to be the most effective thought stoppage technique we have ever used. It will help you catch unwanted negative thoughts much more quickly than you realize right now. And as your ability to catch them increase we will be learning in a new way to gradually start thinking more rationally and healthy thoughts. We want to use the handout everyday for many weeks because of its importance and knowledge we have from a neurological research it takes repetition of these new ideas and concepts before they can become automatic and useful in the real world. So be very encourage and keep reading the ANTs narrative OUT LOUD to yourself EVERYDAY. If you want to listen to the tape version of this that is fine also."

_4. I read the supplemental information on the website regarding CDs #3 and #4. There was a very interesting question asking why ANTs are liars. "Alistair" wanted to know how to go about treating his ANTs as lying when he could see the truth in them. He gave an example: whenever he is called onto to speak, he likens his subsequent nervousness and anxiety to a self-fulfilling prophecy - in the past he had experienced panic in that type of situation and it is almost as if his thoughts started to "create the reality."

Dr. Richard's answer:

_Your feelings ARE very real, they DID happen, and they ARE scary and anxiety causing. 
_
_
_
_The reason they are "lying" or "not truthful" or "inaccurate" or "irrational" is that they are not based on rational fact. They happened, but there was no rational reason for them to happen. 
_
_
_
_You had fear and anxiety when you rationally did not need to fear anything. 
_
_
_
_(Whereas, if a gunman walked into the room and pointed the gun at you, you would have a rational reason to fear this situation.)_
_
_
_But there was no RATIONAL reason to fear. 
_
_
_
_The fear, of course, is there because of the reasons you expressed earlier, and because of our own self-fulfilling prophecies. But it is the fear itself that makes this situation "bad" for us. There is nothing *external* that is causing or triggering an anxiety attack or high anxiety. The cause is all internal._
_
_
_Therefore, although it is all real and it did happen, it happened because of your INTERNAL BELIEFS about this situation -- and your internal beliefs are NOT rational. They are inaccurate, over exaggerated, and not the truth. Your internal beliefs are liars, we could say._
_
_
_As you become more and more rational -- and less prone to believing your old (negative) patterns of thinking, the situation will become less and less anxiety-arousing. _

That's very helpful and it clears up the confusion I had as I was working on the Week #1 material.

5. I recited my 2 rational coping statements to myself 3 times aloud. I am going to write them down here one more time for practice.


The feelings I am having right now are not rational. I am just going to relax and focus on something else. In this way, my anxiety will have to wither up and disappear.
The feelings I am having right now are not rational. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I am just going to keep "walking" until I pass right through them.
6. As for CD #4, it basically involves associating a keyword like "Relax" with instantly un-tensing your muscles and feeling a "positive energy" course through your body. We are supposed to be in a comfortable position (like laying down on a bed, which is what I am doing) when we listen to this CD. This is practicing, I suppose, so we can apply this relaxation technique and strategy in the real world the instant we need it when we feel anxiety.

I guess the most important thing about this technique or strategy is to keep at it and keep listening to the CD every day.

*Victory Log*:


I did all the required CT today with plenty of concentration. I'm demonstrating to myself how dedicated I am to changing my life.
I caught many ANTs today and successfully distracted myself from dwelling on them. _This is huge! _

*Behavioral Therapy*:

Nothing really today.

I did play some basketball with friends, and anxiety arose when talking to some people that I am not close to. I have to admit that I let my ANTs stay in my mind during those windows of conversation. I have to remind myself to pay them no heed in the midst of social situations. It's actually pretty difficult.

Dr. Richards suggested having cues to remind yourself in the outside world of the strategies to implement. He mentioned a strategy of writing "SA" on notecards and bringing them out with us.

I will try that. Good places to put them would include: the pockets of the shorts or pants I'm wearing, taping them in the car, and my backpack when school starts. I could even write "SA" or "ST" (for slow-talk) on my hand in pen.

*Things to do*:


Cues on notecards or hands...


----------



## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/08/10:*

I listened to Session #3 today in one sitting, and then listened to Session #4 today in "one lying." I laid down on my bed while listening to it. I got through the first side fine, but I kept falling asleep when the second side was playing lol. I played it a total of 3 times, and on the 3rd time I finally was able to keep myself from falling asleep. My mind DID drift however when Dr. Richards started to explicitly talk about associating the key word with the feelings of peace. I'll just try again tomorrow.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout 3 times in slow-talk.

2. I read the annual ANTs convention 1 time in slow-talk.

3. I read the ANTs handout one more time in slow-talk. According to Dr. Richards, this is one of the most important handouts in the workbook, and there is neurological research that shows it works for catching ANTs. I suppose it just makes the reader much more aware when he or she is having an ANT.

_"This handout has been proven to be the most effective thought stoppage technique we have ever used. It will help you catch unwanted negative thoughts much more quickly than you realize right now. And as your ability to catch them increase we will be learning in a new way to gradually start thinking more rationally and healthy thoughts. We want to use the handout everyday for many weeks because of its importance and knowledge we have from a neurological research it takes repetition of these new ideas and concepts before they can become automatic and useful in the real world. So be very encourage and keep reading the ANTs narrative OUT LOUD to yourself EVERYDAY. If you want to listen to the tape version of this that is fine also."

_4. I read the supplemental information on the website regarding CDs #3 and #4. There was a very interesting question asking why ANTs are liars. "Alistair" wanted to know how to go about treating his ANTs as lying when he could see the truth in them. He gave an example: whenever he is called onto to speak, he likens his subsequent nervousness and anxiety to a self-fulfilling prophecy - in the past he had experienced panic in that type of situation and it is almost as if his thoughts started to "create the reality."

Dr. Richard's answer:

_Your feelings ARE very real, they DID happen, and they ARE scary and anxiety causing. __
_
_The reason they are "lying" or "not truthful" or "inaccurate" or "irrational" is that they are not based on rational fact. They happened, but there was no rational reason for them to happen. 
_
_You had fear and anxiety when you rationally did not need to fear anything. __
_
_(Whereas, if a gunman walked into the room and pointed the gun at you, you would have a rational reason to fear this situation.)_

_But there was no RATIONAL reason to fear. __
_
_The fear, of course, is there because of the reasons you expressed earlier, and because of our own self-fulfilling prophecies. But it is the fear itself that makes this situation "bad" for us. There is nothing *external* that is causing or triggering an anxiety attack or high anxiety. The cause is all internal._

_Therefore, although it is all real and it did happen, it happened because of your INTERNAL BELIEFS about this situation -- and your internal beliefs are NOT rational. They are inaccurate, over exaggerated, and not the truth. Your internal beliefs are liars, we could say.__
_
_As you become more and more rational -- and less prone to believing your old (negative) patterns of thinking, the situation will become less and less anxiety-arousing. _

That's very helpful and it clears up the confusion I had as I was working on the Week #1 material.

5. I recited my 2 rational coping statements to myself 3 times aloud. I am going to write them down here one more time for practice.


The feelings I am having right now are not rational. I am just going to relax and focus on something else. In this way, my anxiety will have to wither up and disappear.
The feelings I am having right now are not rational. The anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I am just going to keep "walking" until I pass right through them.
6. As for CD #4, it basically involves associating a keyword like "Relax" with instantly un-tensing your muscles and feeling a "positive energy" course through your body. We are supposed to be in a comfortable position (like laying down on a bed, which is what I am doing) when we listen to this CD. This is practicing, I suppose, so we can apply this relaxation technique and strategy in the real world the instant we need it when we feel anxiety.

I guess the most important thing about this technique or strategy is to keep at it and keep listening to the CD every day.

*Victory Log*:


I did all the required CT today with plenty of concentration. I'm demonstrating to myself how dedicated I am to changing my life.
I caught many ANTs today and successfully distracted myself from dwelling on them. _This is huge! _

*Behavioral Therapy*:

Nothing really today.

I did play some basketball with friends, and anxiety arose when talking to some people that I am not close to. I have to admit that I let my ANTs stay in my mind during those windows of conversation. I have to remind myself to pay them no heed in the midst of social situations. It's actually pretty difficult.

Dr. Richards suggested having cues to remind yourself in the outside world of the strategies to implement. He mentioned a strategy of writing "SA" on notecards and bringing them out with us.

I will try that. Good places to put them would include: the pockets of the shorts or pants I'm wearing, taping them in the car, and my backpack when school starts. I could even write "SA" or "ST" (for slow-talk) on my hand in pen.

*Things to do*:


Cues on notecards or hands...


----------



## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/09/10:*

I tried to listen to CD#4 today but fell asleep again. I'm going to start listening to them earlier in the day to prevent this.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout 3 times in slow-talk.

2. I read the annual ANTs convention 1 time in slow-talk.
 
3. I recited my 2 rational coping statements to myself a few times aloud.

I'm having trouble feeling the peace and strength that we're supposed to feel after having listened to Side A of CD #4. Side A is probably most important to have "mastered" first before going onto Side B.

*
Behavioral Therapy:

*Nothing today.

*Victory Log:
*

I caught more ANTs today, including negative thoughts about others too. I have to admit that I frequently have negative thoughts not just about myself but about others too, but all of this is just a reflection of my own self-loathing and insecurities. Every time I think badly of others now, I just try to distract myself and refuse to think the thought.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/10/10:*

I listened to Side A 1 time through, but I still can't find that sense of strength and peace. I can feel an absence of negative emotion, but that's about it. I didn't get through Side B all the way; I only listened for about 5 minutes.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout 2 times in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*Nothing today.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/11/10:*

I did not listen to the Relaxation tapes today. I was very tired and wanted to sleep my fixing schedule, so I thought that if I listened to them I would just fall asleep pre-maturely.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I read the ANTs handout 2 times in slow-talk and listened to it once on the CD. I also read the ANTs Convention handout once in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I had been getting a little antsy (lol) from staying at home for so long without any social interaction for me to practice my CT with. I decided to go to the mall and just walk around, which turned out to be actually pretty tough. I am extremely hypervigilant in public settings like this. I definitely did catch some ANTs but had trouble stopping them. I stayed "internal" much of the time when I should have went "external" after realizing the presence of an ANT. Even when I did try to go "external" it was difficult because there was still a part of me that was "internal" and dwelling on the ANTs. Moral of the story: focus harder on the external next time.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/12/10:*

I tried listening to the Relaxation tapes today but fell asleep once again before getting through Side 1. :um Tbh, I don't even think Side 2 is important for me right now. It's basically a re-hash of Side 1 + an explanation of how to associate a keyword with it.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I read the ANTs handout 2 times in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*Nothing today, but I'm going to do something tomorrow. I probably will walk around the mall again but this time engage in conversation with people. I plan to write some things on my notecard and put it in my pocket and refer to it.

Some goals for tomorrow:


Talk to 3 different clerks and try to make light-hearted conversation with them that actually lasts awhile (I'm thinking GNC, the toy store, and Best Buy). I get bonus points if I make the conversation with other customers eavesdropping. :b *Use slow talk!!!!!*
Walk past 3 groups of people I find "threatening" and talk myself out of the anxiety that comes with it. This one I don't have to be perfect at because I actually haven't learned strategies for it yet. Use my Zune when anxiety arises and see if that distraction works for me.
If I can succeed in both goals tomorrow, I'm going to be happy.

*Victory Log*:


Planning a behavioral experiment to this extent is a victory for me.

*To do list*:

More preparation (really thinking about what to put on the notecards so it helps me, maybe more goals?)...


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/13/10:*

I did not listen to the CDs today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I read the ANTs handout 2 times in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*The trip to the mall turned out to be a very successful one.

Going into the mall, I was hyper-vigilant, but as the time wore on, I became less and less so and eventually just stopped worrying or noticing what people around me were doing. My MP3 player helped with that for sure, but by the end, I felt I probably did not need the MP3 player to help me with distracting myself.

I think that focusing on the external probably does not work in the case of my agoraphobia. It just makes me more self-conscious actually because I'm noticing people and all these thoughts about what they might be thinking about me start racing through my head. Instead, I think the approach should be to basically ignore the crowds and ignore the people. That makes me just focus on my own thoughts better. So I guess what I'm saying is that going "internal" works better for agoraphobia situations.

I was supposed to talk to 3 clerks, but I ended up talking with 7 and actually had pretty drawn-out conversations with a few of them. I was pretty anxious talking to the first one, but as I kept feeling more comfortable, the anxiety went down, and I was not anxious at all actually when talking to #5, 6, & 7, even though #5 and 6 were people I normally feel the least comfortable around (college kids my age).

I'm also going to give myself a pat on the back for asserting myself and ending my conversations on my own terms. I could tell the two clerks at the two vitamin shops I went to would have talked to me all day and tried to convince me to buy their products, but I stood my ground and told them I wanted to do more research before I bought anything. They took it well and were very professional and courteous, so I felt even better about myself because it seems they were acknowledging that I had made my decision.

I slow-talked to many of the clerks this time around. This definitely helped me. I was more confident in my own voice and in what I was saying.

As for walking past groups without feeling anxiety, well that definitely turned out well, but it wasn't as if I actively tried to engage my anxiety like last time. I basically just ignored it by listening to my MP3 player, which works just as well I suppose. I'll just do that from now on because I mean, if it works it works.

I also went to a supermarket later and was able to use the keyword to relax myself in the supermarket checkout line as I was waiting to be helped. I always get anticipatory anxiety as the line gets to me, but "Relax" helped.

*Victory Log*:


Even going in the first place to the mall! It shows my dedication to getting better.
I accomplished the goals I set out for myself when I was planning the behavioral experiment. Big victory here.
I remembered to slow-talk to the clerks, which solidifies my CT as actually being useful in real-day situations.
*Thing I could work on*:


I slacked off on the audio-tape listening this week. I didn't listen to the Relaxation tapes as much as I could have. My *goal* is: at least listen to Side 1 every day this week (without falling asleep lol).

It's 1:34pm on the Saturday right now, so my log entries keep getting pushed back lol. I'll post my reflections on Group Session #3 later tonight...


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/14/10:*

I listened to CD #4 Side 1 once. I did not do any CT today.

I can take some positives away from group today. It was easier giving my pro-activity report in front of the group today than it was last week. I was actually relatively calm and I naturally shifted my speech into slow-talk. I just focused on what I was saying and the words just came out naturally and pretty freely.

It was actually like that for all the other behavioral activities we did. As long as I focus on what I'm trying to communicate, I can keep the anxiety at bay.

It was a good experience today in group. I now feel more confident in giving presentations in front of people.

*Victory Log*:


I'm making significant progress in getting over my fear of public speaking (making presentations).


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/15/10:*

I listened to CD #4 Side 2 once. I did not do any CT today. I spent most of the day exercising, and it took me longer than I had anticipated.

*08/16/10:*

I listened to CD #5 and #4 once today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout 2 times in slow-talk.

2. I read the Fighting Paradox handout once in slow-talk.

3. I recited my Rational Coping Statements aloud a few times to myself in the shower (in slow-talk).

I've realized that the concepts from CDs #4 & #5 (and also the Fighting Paradox handout) all boil down to an acceptance of yourself.

I was having trouble with the relaxation tapes until this realization yesterday. For some reason, I would not allow myself to even make the tiniest movements while laying in the bed, which would bother the heck out of me and just ended up making me anxious when the tapes were supposed to relax me. Last night, I eventually just said to myself that, "I can't be 100% relaxed and not move at all... it's just not feasible." Once I said that to myself, it put my mind much more at ease and I was able to get very relaxed. This probably will help when using Relaxation in public as well because of course in public I won't be able to be 100% relaxed. I still will have anxiety, and of course I just have to tell myself that I accept that.

CD#5 and The Fighting Paradox handout are basically about accepting the social anxiety and not fighting it - "that which you resist... persists." This is something I have already been trying to apply to my everyday life, but it is good that there is an actual handout on it so I can remind myself to actually apply this new outlook on life to everyday situations.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*None today.


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## Redefine (Jan 11, 2005)

This is great! Please continue to post your experiences here, you're helping me a lot because I am also doing some CBT. I really like some of your techniques and they have really helped me.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/17/10:*

I listened to CD #5 and #4 (Side A only) once today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout twice today. I really tried to notice key phrases and sentences the second time I read them. This is so I can incorporate these phrases and sentences into my own every-day life whenever I notice an ANT.

2. I read the Fighting Paradox handout once in slow-talk.

3. I recited my RCSs to myself 3 times in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*None today.

*Summary/Reflection:

*I wanted to write up a summary or reflection of the cognitive techniques I've learned up to this point and my experiences with them.

The techniques I've had the most success with and put into practice the most are (1) Slow-talk, (2) STOP! and focusing on something else, (3) Distractions in general (not necessarily preceded by a STOP!), & (4) applying principles of Self-acceptance to my current life and my past.

1. I feel pretty comfortable using Slow-talk in the real-world now, and it makes a big difference. In the past, my social anxiety would make me very self-conscious of the words that were coming out of my mouth and I would sometimes blurt them out and as a result stutter. Slow-talking forces me to slow down of course, and this makes my words come out clearer and allows me to have more confidence in whatever I'm trying to say. I have also noticed I feel and sound more assertive when I use this technique.

2. Up until recently, I controlled a lot of my anxiety and negative thoughts by telling myself STOP! and then focusing on something else. I say "up until recently" because I actually have not had much anxiety or depression recently, so I just don't really have a chance to use this technique. This is going to change when I go back to school shortly, I'm sure, so I will have an opportunity to start practicing these things again.

3. Distractions in general work very well for my agoraphobia and also for anticipatory anxiety. 2 examples are: (1) Listening to my MP3 player while walking around in the mall & (2) singing/humming while driving to my optometrist to pick up my contacts.

4. Self-acceptance works very well for stopping yourself from beating yourself up after you've perceived you did something stupid in a social situation or whatnot. I applied this to several mildly embarrassing things I did in the past few weeks (covered in previous log entries) and actually felt great about myself even afterward. The thing I need to work on now with self-acceptance is applying it to events that are coming up and during anxiety-producing events.

5. I read "Bears Attack and Maul, Bees Swam and Sting" & "Therapy Reminders" in slow-talk. I also skimmed over "How to temporarily cut down on feelings of anxiety."

On the other hand, I haven't had much success with Rational Coping Statements and the ANTs handout. I have barely used the Rational Coping Statements in real-world situations. The ANTs handout uses the same concept as the RCSs, but I have much more hope for the ANTs handout than the RCSs. I just haven't had a chance to put the ANTs handout into play yet because like I said, I haven't had much anxiety lately.

At this point, I also want to go through an "example" social situation that I may (and probably will) encounter in the near future.

School starts soon, and we may have to do first-day-of-school formal introductions, something that almost everyone with social anxiety hates. In fact, even writing this sentence just made my stomach turn over a little.

"The before" involves dealing with the anticipatory anxiety. Something I could say is: *"There it is, it's that bullying liar again trying to inject me with fear by giving me irrational thoughts. It's OK though. I do have social anxiety, so I am going to get these ANTs from time to time, but I'm now working on overcoming them. I'm just going to calm down and focus on something else. In this way, these irrational thoughts will have to wither up and die."

*I think this is a great dialogue to say to myself because it covers a lot of bases. First of all, I will probably say this to myself in slow-talk (either aloud or in my mind). Second of all, it uses the strong language of the ANTs handout so I am reminded of the handout itself. Third of all, it covers self-acceptance of my social anxiety so I won't beat myself up for having these thoughts in the first place. Fourthly, incorporating the RCS also allows me to calm down and gives me direction, telling me to focus on something else to get my mind off of the anxiety.

When I actually walk into the classroom and sit down on the first day of class, I am sure I will be flooded with all kinds of negative emotions and anxiety. This period of time specifically refers to walking in to the classroom, sitting down, and perhaps waiting to be called upon for introductions. I think the best thing to say to myself would be: *"Well, those lying ANTs are certainly in full force right now. I'm just going to calm down and focus on breathing right now. Just... RELAX."* When the teacher starts talking, I would say to myself, *"Just listen to the teacher talk and focus on your breathing. RELAX." *I also want to remind myself here that focusing on my classmates and the classroom probably will not work very well, as I discovered on my first trip to the mall. It just will make me hyper-vigilant. *"Focusing on the external" here should be focusing on taking deep breaths and relaxing my muscles.*

If and when the teacher actually says, "Now how about we go around the room and introduce ourselves," I am sure that my anxiety will hit the roof. The best thing to say to myself in this case is to keep focusing on my breathing and repeat the previous statements to myself while listening to my other classmates talk about themselves.

When it gets to my turn, the best thing I can do is *use slow-talk* and *focus on the words that are coming out of my mouth. That is the "external" in this case. *Obviously, I am going to keep going "internal" to my thoughts, but I am going to have to remember to keep pulling myself back into my words.

Immediately afterward, I am probably going to have some thoughts about how I "performed," maybe some thoughts about how stupid I looked. In this case, I would just tell myself, *"Those ANTs are just lying to me again. My classmates probably could not even tell I had anxiety. Regardless, having anxiety while talking about myself was to be expected because of the social anxiety that I have. I could not have changed a single thing about what happened - it happened the way it was always going to happen, and I accept that." And then I would start focusing on my breathing again and go back to listening to my peers introduce themselves.* I think this dialogue works because I am emphasizing self-acceptance here, so the negative thoughts about my "performance" will have to melt away.* This will be further emphasized by my refusal to go "internal" and my keeping "external" by focusing on my breathing and listening to my classmates.*

This post is going to be helpful in the near future. I am definitely going to go back to it once school starts.

*Victory Log*:


 Writing up a summary/reflection is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and I've finally got that accomplished. It really helps me to organize all the techniques I've learned into categories instead of having them all jumbled up in my mind. This will help me better put them in practice too.
Going through an example social situation like I did today took me a long time, but I did it! Again, this will help me better organize my strategies and courses of actions in social situations. I now know EXACTLY what to do in that particular social situation of formal introductions so that helps a lot and puts my mind at ease a bit.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/18/10:*

I listened to CD #5 Side 1 and #4 (Side B only) once today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout twice today.

2. I read the Fighting Paradox handout once in slow-talk.

3. I recited my RCSs to myself 3 times in slow-talk.

4. I read Dr. Richards' Q&A on blushing.

5. I read all of the supplementary information on the SAI website related to this unit.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I walked to a concert in the park today at night, just as an exercise to get over my agoraphobia. I think I've improved. I was less fearful walking around in the crowd than I have been for a long time. I caught some ANTs and labeled them pathological liars and then just focused away from them.

The behavioral experiment was not too challenging, but it was good to at least do something.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/19/10:*

I did not listen to the Audio CDs today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout once today in slow-talk.

2. I read the Fighting Paradox handout once in slow-talk.

3. I recited my RCSs to myself 3 times in slow-talk.

4. I read "SAS11," which details how to plan behavioral experiments to test your belief systems.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I went out to eat with a friend today. There were a few cute girls sitting around us so that immediately got me a little anxious.

I did catch those ANTs but had trouble doing anything to get my mind off of my hyper-vigilance. The ANTs involved just being very self-conscious of myself. I realize that my ANTs in these specific types of situations (around females) don't even involve any thoughts about them; it's always about myself and my fear of making a fool of myself in front of them. I do start imagining that people are looking intently at me, but again, this is a reflection of my self-consciousness.

Next time I am in this sort of situation, I think a good dialogue to recite to myself would be: *"RELAX. The thoughts that you are having right now about needing to act a certain way and the fears you are having about looking foolish are irrational and unrealistic. The fact is, it is extremely likely the people that are around you are not even paying attention to you. Go on with your life and what you are trying to do and don't mind these irrational thoughts. It's okay if you're having these unhelpful thoughts right now at this point in your life, but let's just try to keep working through them."

*The reason I am having this much confidence about the fact that they are NOT intently looking at me is because I actually tested this irrational prediction by looking around at those girls and it turned out they were in fact just in their own little worlds.

* 
Victory Log:
*

I've caught another common type of ANT that I have and now I know how to confront it with specificity. I am proud of myself for thinking and reasoning through how to work through this one.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/20/10:*

I did not listen to the Audio CDs today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*1. I read the ANTs handout twice today in slow-talk.

2. I read the Fighting Paradox handout once in slow-talk.

3. I recited my RCSs to myself 3 times in slow-talk.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*My friend called and we were supposed to hang out later. I began to experience a lot of anticipatory anxiety because there was the possibility that there were going to be people there who I don't know very well.

I did all the things I've been learning, which definitely helped a lot but didn't cut the anxiety down 100%, maybe 80% though, which is really good actually. Obviously, I'm not going to have zero anticipatory anxiety about these type of things.

He ended up not calling me back, so I worried for nothing, lol.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/21/10:*

I did not do any CT or listen to any audio tapes.

*Reflection of Group Therapy:

*I had a lot of opportunities at group today to test out my theory of making speaking the "external" in a social situation. Whenever I spoke up today, I would just bring my focus to the words that I was trying to communicate, and it worked like a charm. I didn't have much anxiety WHILE talking, although I did have anxiety before and afterward. This is something that I have had sort of a theory about for some time, and I confirmed its effectiveness today in group.

The behavioral experiment I chose was to have it be the first day of class, something I always get anxious about at the beginning of the school year. The behavioral experiment itself was not too bad. I had myself come into the room when all of my "classmates" (actually my other group members) were already seated, and then we just made small talk about the professor and the upcoming semester and whatnot.

I was nervous coming into the room and sitting down, but then I realized the truth of this type of situation and the reason I am so anxious whenever the first day of school comes around. I had always thought that everyone in the class was very threatening, but I realized that in actuality everyone is actually really friendly the first day of class. I can even look back in my own past and realize just how true this is.

People are probably nicer than I give them credit for...


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I am still doing my therapy, but to be honest I have gotten lazy logging it because typing this up takes some time lol. I'll try to be better about it though.
*
08/22*23/10:*

I listened to Session #6 today once on Sunday, and I listened to Side 2 once on Monday.

*CT & BT:

*On Sunday, I read the Fighting Paradox, Attitudes, How to See Yourself & The World, 2 Competing Neural Pathways, and Beliefs are very Potent. Some of these I read in slow-talk and some I did not.

On Monday, I read all of the above + the ANTs handout and Therapy Reminders.

On Sunday night, I spent a lot of time thinking about the new CT. This week introduces the concept of Beliefs, how our negative and false and irrational beliefs fuel all of this anxiety that we have.

I thought about this for a long time as I lay in bed, and I came upon a conclusion that I've only grasped at and seen glimpses of in the past:

*NONE OF THIS MATTERS!

*I am far from being a nihilist, but this statement applies to all the things that I worry about in terms of my social anxiety. It's just so stupid when you think about it. 

Why should it matter if I see an acquaintance on the bus? Why should it matter whether or not I say HI to the girl at the counter? Why should it matter if other people happen to glance at me when I enter the room? Why do I worry so much about how I am perceived?

It just doesn't matter. *I need to stop believing that these stupid little things matter. This is the biggest ANT of all. *

Of course, this philosophy is difficult to put into practice when my neural pathways have been so accustomed to negative thoughts.

On Monday, I went to a local gym to redeem a free pass. This was a gym I went to last summer, and so the people there recognize me. I had anticipatory anxiety about exchanging pleasantries with the girls at the counter, especially one of them, who I was awkward around last summer.

The positive thing is that I did say Hi to her, which of course is a basic social skill that everyone needs to have. The "negative" thing is that I did feel anxious and awkward through the entire encounter, which involved not looking up and not engaging in conversation with them as I was filling out my form. I just basically stayed silent for the most part.

Not that it's certainly a "negative" thing to feel anxious and awkward, especially if you're me and have social anxiety. It's just the way it is. But, it means I have to keep working at this "It just doesn't matter" principle more. I have to keep trying and keep applying this philosophy to aspects of my life.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/24/10:*

I played Session #6 to myself today but I have to admit that I did not listen as carefully as I should have and my thoughts drifted.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I only read the ANTs handout.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I flew back to the Bay Area for school today, and I made the entire trip a behavioral experiment.

On the drive to the airport, I just kept reminding myself that my beliefs are wrong and are liars.

My agoraphobia tells me that people are always staring at me and judging me whenever I go out in public, but this was a lie yesterday and will always be a lie. When I got into the airport, I looked around to see if people were in fact looking at me. Predictably, they were just off in their own worlds.

When I got past the security check-in and took a seat at my terminal, I was anxious of course because my old feelings and beliefs associated with my agoraphobia popped up again. But once again, I looked at all the people seated across from me and besides me and not a single one of them was looking at me. After this, I relaxed considerably and my anxiety took a nosedive.

Standing in line for the bus after my flight, I even bounced my head to the music in my MP3 player in an annoying way lol. *Maybe they noticed it, but I doubt anyone cared.

*I ran into an acquaintance on the bus from my hometown and we just shot the **** and headed to Berkeley together. It was nice to have someone to talk to. On the subway, some guy started to make conversation with us and my anxiety rose a little bit, but in retrospect it matters zilch. I'll probably never even see that guy or those people that were listening in ever again. It just does not matter a bit.

I was less anxious and nervous during this airplane trip than I have ever been on any airplane trip. There were a lot of people on that plane in that same age-group as I am as well, which typically makes me even more nervous.

I just have to be confident in my new Beliefs. I have to be confident that they are going to work for me, because Beliefs is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*WHO CARES? IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. *

*Victory Log:
*

I have proven to myself that Beliefs therapy works! Forge on.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/25/10:*

I did not listen to the CDs today.

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I read the ANTs Handout #2, the Fighting Paradox, Attitudes, How to See Yourself & The World, Therapy Reminders, 2 Competing Neural Pathways, and Beliefs are very Potent. I did not do much slow-talk though.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I had a lot of opportunities for behavioral yesterday and made the most out of many of them.

Yesterday, I was not nervous at all about running into people while going in and out of my apartment. I used to dread running into someone because I would dread the potential awkwardness of not knowing whether to say Hi or stay silent. Now, I just don't really care. I've realized it's just small beans.

I also was not nervous at all about running into people on the streets. It's the reason I have/had so much agoraphobia actually. I'm always on the lookout for an acquaintance, and if I did see one, most of the time I would pretend to not notice him or her if I could so I wouldn't have to say Hi. That was gone yesterday, and I actually did end up running into an acquaintance. He is a friend of a friend who I had lunch with one time. I forgot his name and just asked him right off the bat what his name is. In the past, this would always be embarrassing for me and it was actually hard for me to admit to him that I forgot a name, even if the other person forgot mine.

It was actually very easy for me to stop him and say Hi. The HARD part was that when we actually started to have the conversation, the anxiety welled up inside me a bit and I wanted to get away/cut the conversation short. *That's something to work on. I want to get to the point where that thought doesn't even enter my mind and I can just talk to people freely and without worrying about getting away. *

So it seems I've cut down a lot of my anticipatory anxiety about running into people/saying Hi, but conversations are still tough. I still am self-conscious when talking.* I am going to have to think about this for a bit later. What can I do to cut down on this?

*I also went to the supermarket yesterday. I threw on a shirt that did not fit me (too small) and didn't care. I also brought a big luggage bag with me to carry my groceries in. :b

I actually had always thought about bringing a suitcase to the supermarket because it's easier to just wheel the damn thing than carry it in my backpack. However, I never had before because I was afraid people would think I was weird. *Well, I am weird, and proud of it.*  It didn't even matter, no one cares what you bring to carry your groceries in.

Finally, on the bus to and from the supermarket, I was much less self-conscious and anxious than I ever have been. I don't really care who I happen to run into on the bus anymore. I'm on the bus for like five minutes lol. Am I really going to be so nervous about this insignificant thing that could or could not happen? Lol, it just seems so ridiculous.

Another thing is I actually read my therapy handouts aloud in my room, even though I was a bit anxious about my neighbor overhearing. The walls are quite thin. I always used to be afraid of other people finding out I have social anxiety. That fear is still present, but I think it's been cut down a lot.

I mean, what is he really going to do if he finds out? I'll still be me. It doesn't even affect me in any way, unless I want it to affect me.

That's the philosophy anyways, but I did find myself still lowering my voice on purpose to keep myself from being overheard from time to time. Whatever, it doesn't really matter.

*Victory Log:
*

This was *the least anxious day I've probably ever had here at school*. And it could have been really bad too, because I am always the most anxious right when I get back because there is a period of adjustment. *HUGE* success for me. *If I can replicate the beliefs and attitudes toward life I had today EVERY DAY, I think I would be just fine. *

*who cares? it doesn't even matter. *


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/26*27/10:*

I did not listen to the CDs either day.

*CT:*

On Thursday, I read the ANTs Handout #2, the Fighting Paradox, Attitudes, How to See Yourself & The World, & Therapy Reminders.

On Friday, I was busy traveling and did not do any CT.

*BT:*

I didn't do much BT on Thursday other than going to class. I remember feeling a bit anxious and depressed when I woke up on Thursday. It might have had something to do with the fact that it was so early and I hadn't got much sleep as well.

However, once I actually started out the door it was fine. I didn't have much agoraphobia. Once I got to class, I sat in the front of class (second row), which I never do, so that was good. In fact, going into the lecture hall, I would always get nervous in the past. But this time, it was like it didn't even occur to me that I should be nervous. 

During lecture, I actually got a little anxious because I was sweating and kept on thinking I smelled, which made me even more sweaty, lol. :b Oh well. 

After class when I was walking to the door I did get more anxious and my agoraphobia came back a bit. However, that disappeared when I got out of the building. I think I told myself that it didn't even matter, and it just disappeared. 

Friday was really good though.

I had no agoraphobia walking to class and sitting down in the second row. However, I saw someone I had met last year and just got up and sat next to him (he was in the first row). That's pretty uncharacteristic of me actually, because normally if I see someone I know but he doesn't see me, I just try to avoid him. I felt no anxiety at all about going up to him and saying Hey, so that was great.

During class, I suddenly felt anxious when I thought of the possibility that because I was in the first row the professor may call on me. But that went away when I just thought, well who cares? 

After class, I told my acquaintance that I was gonna take off and then said bye. That normally is tough for me. I'm not good at telling people I have to get going, but it was really easy in this case. 

I then went to get something to eat at the cafeteria. At first I was going to take it home to eat like I normally do, but then I was too hungry so I just decided to eat there. It was great because that's the first time I've ever eaten alone in public.  I didn't feel any anxiety at all. No one even cares if you eat alone or not. It doesn't even matter lol.

I had another class a few hours later and after that class I waited for the bus for a while. Normally, I get very anxious about running into people when I stand in one spot (I feel like I can't get away). But, it was whatevers this time. I actually did run into someone, but it wasn't too bad. I gave him my number and told him to call me. 

I looked into the eyes of a lot of people that walked past me, but people barely noticed me. 

I headed to the gym, and I talked to some guys there during my workout. It was a lot better than 2 days ago when I had tried to make conversation with the same people. I was a lot less anxious because I focused on talking clearly and a bit slowly (semi-slow-talk). 

Later, I had a sort of awkward conversation with someone at McDonalds. I came in and asked if he was in line. He said he couldn't speak English, but I didn't really believe him because he spoke pretty good English telling me he didn't speak it lols. I then said, "You don't understand 'are you in line?'"? And he replied with something or another. It was on my mind for like 5 seconds afterward, but then I stopped caring lol.

I had a similar awkward conversation with someone on the bus on the way to the airport. He had been talking to the driver about tickets, and so I asked him what he was talking about (was listening to MP3 player so didn't really make it out). He gave me what I thought was attitude, but I didn't lose my cool. Eventually, some other woman clarified matters and I pushed the awkward encounter out of my brain. 

It was a good day. 

*Victory Log:*



More dramatic reductions in my social anxiety. I've cut down on like 90% of my agoraphobia at this point.
I ate alone in public! First time ever that happened. And I wasn't even nervous about it.
Asked a spontaneous question to someone on the bus. It was awkward sure, but it was more because he was being a jerk, and I didn't ruminate afterward.
I also said Hi and Bye to lots of people without having anxiety about it either before or afterward.
In general, I was really assertive and direct in a lot of my interactions with many people.
These days, I just feel like I can do anything I want. I'll still love myself even if I do make mistakes, even if I do have anxiety over something. But really, it doesn't matter. I have chosen to just push anxiety out of my mind and really focus on accepting myself and adopting a "Who cares?" attitude towards things. This has made all the difference, and I am filled with hope that I can overcome social anxiety for good. It's a work in progress, but I really think I'm going to make it to the end even if I just keep working at it, regardless of the setbacks that I am going to encounter.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/28/10:*

*Reflection of Group Therapy:

*Group therapy was terrific today.

I checked "Having people ask personal questions about you" as my behavioral experiment, but actually that's not what I really wanted to do. I REALLY wanted to ask someone on a date and get rejected, but I chickened out when I was deciding whether or not to check it.

Other people did their behavioral experiments before I did, and I actually just felt a bit depressed during this time because of my chickening out. Eventually, 15 mins later, I decided that when the group leader got to my checklist, I would tell him I wanted to change it. At first, I was really nervous about this decision because it would mean basically confessing to my insecurities around females in front of the group. But my "who cares?" attitude prevailed in the end, and when I actually did it I had zero anxiety about the situation. Absolutely none.  The group members was actually really supportive too.

So me and my female group member went into the other room and we practiced it. It turns out it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have never asked anyone on a date in real life because I was just too self-conscious and too afraid of being rejected, so it was extremely helpful to just go through the motions even. I tried 3 times and she said no 3 times. :lol I had a little nervous energy, but it wasn't really _anxiety_.

After we did the behavioral exercise, she gave me some advice that also was really helpful. She basically just told me that getting rejected actually wasn't too bad because most girls won't be *****es about it, they'll do it nicely. So that was cool, lol.

When we got back into the therapy room, the group leader had a karaoke machine set up. I did "Hey Jude". I had anxiety in the very beginning for like 5 seconds right when my voice came onto the microphone, but then I just began to think it was funny how bad I sounded and the anxiety melted away. I had lots of fun and zero anxiety afterward too, so that was terrific.

So we ended up actually having the other group members ask personal questions about me. The reason I wanted to do this (well, besides all of the other options) is that when people ask me personal questions, sometimes I will shield myself and give them really general answers or try to change the subject. Now that I think about it, the main, underlying reason I wanted to do this was to test to see if I really didn't care about things as much as I am saying I don't. I passed, lol.

One group member asked me, "What is your biggest fear?" And I answered, "Never having had female intimacy." That probably was as honest as I can get.

The group leader talked afterward about having shame after revealing something about yourself, which was very helpful. I needed to hear that, or else I may have ended up actually feeling shame later on about having revealed something like that about myself. But it's been 6.5 hours after group ended and I don't feel any shame or embarrassment at all about having answered like I did.

After group ended, I ate lunch and then went to pick up some books from the local book store. The trip actually could have turned out really traumatizing for me, but now when I think of it I just laugh.

So I made a right to pull into the parking lot, but then I suddenly didn't remember seeing a ramp, so I just put on the brakes. :lol: Some high school kid was walking by, so I rolled down the window and asked him if there was a ramp underneath my car. He said "yeah" and then I gave him a smile and thanked him.  Yeah, I'm retarded. But it doesn't end there.

I walked to the front of the store and didn't see a doorknob on the left side of the door, but I did see a slot where I thought you could put your fingers and slide to the right. :b So I tried that but it didn't work. Then I looked to my right and realized the doorknob was on the right side of the door hahahaha.

Well, I opened the door and went in and felt a bit embarrassed about it when I found the 2 clerks staring at me LOL. But it was just slight embarrassment and not mortification, so that was good.

The guy was like, "I see you had a little trouble getting in here," and then him and I had a good laugh about it.

Something else really funny happened. The lady clerk had a limp, and when I asked her if "The House of Mirth" was available she walked to the back to check it out, but she had a lot of trouble doing so. I then asked the male clerk (when she was in the back) if they had "The Sound and the Fury" as well. He said they did.

When the lady clerk finally got back (it took her a while because of the bad leg), I then told her, "Oh, and I also was wondering if you guys had the Sound the Fury." And her expression was just priceless, LOL. I'm sure she was thinking, "Alright, **** this kid." hahahaha

Before, I probably would have felt mortified about having to make her go all the way back there, but I really realized that I didn't do it intentionally and I also found a lot of humor in the situation, so I didn't get too anxious or anything.

When I was being rung up at the counter, I think she was irritated. She asked me if I had book credit, and I didn't know what she meant so I pulled out my credit card, LOL. Yes, I'll say it again, I am a retard.

She then snapped at me because I think she just had had it with my (unintentional) shenanigans. Normally, when people snap at me, I feel really small and "shrink" away. But today, I just sort of smiled and let it wash away.

After I left the bookstore, I didn't beat myself up at all and in fact had another good laugh.

So this week, I've made miles of progress with social anxiety. One thing is, I keep having this fear in the bottom of my stomach that this is all just temporary and will go away. I'm having trouble pushing it out of my mind; it just keeps coming back. In fact, the anxiety that I am having about this probably is fertile breeding ground for social anxiety in the first place.

I'm going to tell myself now why this progress isn't something random.


I know the REASON and the PHILOSOPHY behind my new-found confidence. It comes from my epiphany a week ago about the fact that I can do ANYTHING I want. I'll still be okay no matter what happens. As long as I have this realization and keep applying this philosophy every day, I will keep having successes. *Change your beliefs = the main point. *(I'd also like to point out that "I can do anything I want" is a fact, not just a "belief." )

Agoraphobia might come back from time to time, but that is easily solvable. Look around and see if people are really intently staring at you. I guarantee that 100/100 times it won't be the case (on the whole). There's no better proof that the belief is irrational than seeing for yourself with your own eyes. 

I have WORKED for this. I have spent actually a LOT of time doing cognitive therapy practice and logging all of these entries. My success is the product of a lot of hard work I've put into this. And I will continue to keep working hard in the future because I am extremely dedicated to getting better, to getting these lying ANTs out of my brain for good. 

*Victory Log:
*

A potentially mortifying situation became a really humorous situation.
No beating up of myself at all after the situations I went through today.
I was able to adopt a "Who cares" mentality even when I had self-doubt about the sustainability of my progress (before I went to the book store, my mind was going absolutely crazy entertaining these lying ANTs). Well, this mentality carried me through that situation, and it was fine and good.

Remember, the biggest ANT of all is... that any of this matters.


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## Atari82 (Jan 19, 2010)

Sorry To Barge In, BUT THIS THREAD IS GREAT 
:boogie


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*08/29*30/10:
*
I listened to CD 7 once on Sunday (both sides), but I didn't listen to it on Monday.

*Cognitive Therapy:
*
Sunday: I read along with Dr. Richards as he read over the 4 new handouts on the CD.

Monday: I read the ANTs handout in slow-talk, glanced over the Fighting Paradox, read over Therapy Reminders in slow-talk, reads Attitudes in slow-talk, glanced over How you see yourself & the World, read Two Competing Neural Pathways in slow-talk, & then the 4 new handouts in slow-talk as well (The SA "Automatic" Cycle, Turning the Tables on ANTs, Part One, Accepting myself as I am right now, & Destressing Strategies).

*Behavioral Therapy/Reflection:

*These past 2 days have not been great.

On Saturday night, my mind just kept racing and thinking about all the success I had had the past week. Even though I knew it was coming, it was hard to prevent it. I got really anxious about all my progress going away and it being a fluke. It took me 2 hours to get to sleep because I was in anxiety hell just lying in bed there.

I think a huge cause is due to my obsessing over it, as I predicted. Basically, a lot of old habits have come back. Stupid little things matter to me again, and I can't seem to convince myself that it's a lie and in reality none of this matters, try as I might.

I was going to detail all the things that went wrong, but you know that? That's just a waste of time. Instead, I'm going to focus on writing something that will actually be therapeutic for me. Here goes...


You are experiencing a setback, and setbacks ARE going to occur. This is actually a good experience and challenge, because setbacks are just going to keep popping up, so you do need to learn how to deal with them.
The principles that led you to have that first week of being anxiety-free do still hold. There is no reason for you to be so afraid, of people on the streets, of people in your class, of people in general. That fear is caused by those lying ANTS. The truth is, these type of things don't matter... because you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
*You have a well of emotional strength that you can tap into at any time, if you can see past the fear.**THAT IS WHO YOU ARE: YOU ARE STRONG, STRONG-WILLED, MORAL, GOOD, RIGHTEOUS, DEDICATED, DISCIPLINED. YOU HAVE THESE ALL OF THESE TRAITS INSIDE YOU. NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT. IT IS THE TRUTH... IF YOU BELIEVE IT. This strength always existed in you... bring it out.
*
You need to accept the fact that there will be setbacks. Your old neural pathways will surface, and at times you will feel weak and like all of the events in your life are out of your control. Unfortunately, this will happen. The only thing you can do is stay true to yourself. *YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE*, but accept the fact that you do have social anxiety. Do NOT beat yourself up when those ANTs manifest itself. Instead, just IGNORE them. Don't even dwell on them.

It does absolutely no good to focus on ANTs like I have been doing the past couple of days. Whenever an ANT is trying to take over your thoughts, focus on your inner, emotional strength.

*Victory Log:
*

Despite the slight depression I've been in the past couple of days, I had a huge victory on Sunday. I stood up to my mother's taunting. She told me that she found me extremely annoying and she could not believe she has a son like me. (Yes, she is a terrific mother. :no) I diffused the situation by laughing at her and stretching what she said to ridiculous lengths: "YES MOM, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE SUCH A DISGUSTING SON LIKE ME. WHATEVER DID YOU DO TO DESERVE ME? I AM A DISGUSTING PIG, AND I DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE," etc. etc. Before, I always took whatever that woman said to heart, but this time it was different. It only bothered me a little, and it had no lasting effect on me.  There's that well of emotional strength for you. 

*PEOPLE CAN THINK WHATEVER THEY WANT, I KNOW WHO I AM. *


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/01*02/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:

*Will fill this in later. 
*
Behavioral Therapy:

*Nothing too eventful happened on Wednesday.

Today (Thursday) was the first day of my Chemistry lab. It was not too bad. I actually did not have too much anticipatory anxiety before heading into class, but once I was there and sitting down, the anxiety started coming, and it became worse when a cute girl sat next to me.

It hit the high point when the Lab instructor suggested we go around and introduce ourselves. :um I was the last one that went, so I sat there with my stomach turning as 20 introductions were made lol. I could have done better here I suppose. I was too "internal" and focused on my anxiety too much, which made me even more nervous. *Next time, in this type of situation, I need to bring my focus to the external and have it stay there until it's my turn.

*I had anxiety for about only 1 second though when I started speaking, and I was pretty surprised when my voice came out loud and clear. *All that slow-talk practice has paid off. *But I think the biggest thing that helped me was looking around the room AT the people I was talking to when the words were coming out of my mouth. I think one reason I have a fear of public reason is because I can't stand all the eyes that are on me - I feel everyone is judging me. *But as I looked around the room at everybody, I could tell this was not true. *People were paying attention to me sure, but it was just their being polite and attentive. Nothing in their expressions could be fairly taken as indications that they were disgusted with me or what I was saying. Another false belief dispelled.  So to summarize what works for me in *public speaking situations: slow-talk + looking at the people I'm talking to* (for the purpose of convincing myself people aren't judging me).

My anxiety about sitting next to the cute girl were brought down when it turned out she is really nice. She gave me a smile and then remarked that unfortunately all her test tubes were dirty so she had to clean all of them, which sucked lol. This was before we had formally been introduced to each other, so obviously she's pretty outgoing and nice.

We finished going through our lab boxes around the same time, so I turned to my right and introduced myself. And then, I proceeded to have my first real conversation with a girl.  Sounds pathetic, I know haha. I don't think I've ever had a conversation with a girl (outside of family) for more than 5 minutes at a time, but omg, it's JUST like talking to another human being! Haha. When we were actually having the conversation, I was not too anxious and I was "myself," for the most part, meaning the anxiety didn't take over much. I smiled a lot and talked pretty freely. So that was good, a good experience. What this experience tells me: *most people are pretty nice once you start talking to them + smiling a lot and being open helps to open the other person up as well. *

I have to admit that I've sort of become obsessed with her. :| It's not my fault though! The social anxiety + low self-esteem makes it too easy to fall in love with girls, and it was made even more easy in this case because she's the first female who've I've ever had an extended conversation with. Rationally though, I realize that my feeling are irrational and just a product of the circumstances. Therefore, I have decided to push such feelings and thoughts out of my mind. If I end up working in lab with her, I think it would be great for me because I could actually get more experience talking with a female.

*Beliefs Therapy (Summary):
*

The people looking at you when you are speaking are not trying to hurt you or judge you or think negatively of you. They're just giving politely giving you your attention.
Most people are pretty receptive to you when you start conversation with them, especially if you're friendly and smiley.
*Hierarchy of Behavioral Experiments and Goals:
*

A "long-term" goal (hopefully, it won't be too long) I would like to work up to is speaking up in class whenever I have a question or want to clarify something. I want this to be automatic and I don't any fears to be associated with doing this. I basically never speak up in class. So, I assign myself the task of raising my hand and asking *2 questions* next week in my Physiology discussion (Wednesday).
I'm actually pretty curious what is going to happen if I approach random people and try to start conversations with them. I'm thinking bus stop, lecture hall, or discussion section. I want to see how people respond to me if I start talking to them with a smile on my face. My goal for next week is to start random conversations with *2 people* in a really friendly and open manner.
I've been failing to challenge my agoraphobia recently. I have to looking at the people I pass and run into to see if they are really looking at me and studying me. It's actually pretty easy to do this when I wear sunglasses.
*Victory Log:
*

Long conversation with a girl! Yay.
Was not anxious when speaking in front of class today because I used my strategies (slow-talk + a way of dispelling beliefs).


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/07/10*:

Sorry for the lack of updates. I tried to stop Lexapro cold-turkey last week because I've felt pretty good about the progress I've made so far in CCBT, but that backfired and I've been having major withdrawal symptoms. I've been keeping up with my CT but haven't incorporated it much with my BT because I just feel terrible 24/7. I'm going to have to get back on the Lexapro and then try to wean off it sometime later down the road when I'm less busy and can afford to do so.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/17/10*:

I haven't updated in a long while because I've been busy as hell with schoolwork.

I'm still attending my therapy group but have had very little time for Cognitive Therapy practice recently. In fact, I haven't done any of this week's, and my group session is tomorrow. :um

Despite the lack of focusing on my CT, my SA is really under control at this point. Every time an ANT comes up, I will just automatically notice it and start implementing various strategies. It doesn't always completely eliminate the anxiety, but most of the time it does reduce it significantly.

*A couple of notable victories from the past couple of weeks:*:


Talked to my sister's cute friend when she came over (in only a pair of boxers lol!), even though I wasn't invited into the conversation. :b I was actually trying to annoy them, which was funny. I was anxious but kept it under control and didn't beat myself up afterward.
Raised my hand and asked questions and actually participated in my discussion section! Yay. This was pretty huge. 
Initiated some conversation with the chick sitting next to me in lecture. Even though it was a little awkward at first I just forged ahead and she ended up introducing herself to me, which was nice. 
A lot less beating myself up. I've accepted myself a lot more at this point.

So yeah, I'll try to update when I can but it will be tough. Midterms are coming up soon. :sus


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## VC132 (Sep 1, 2010)

Oh my goodness your log is priceless.

Very well done.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Thanks, I'll try.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/19/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I read over the 5 worksheets today + Worrying + Deserving Statements. I will fill out Bullying Liars later this week.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*In group today, I did an assertiveness exercise that I thought was very helpful. Basically, my group members had me give a presentation and then role-played as being rude in the audience. So I just asked them very directly and seriously to pay attention or go take a hike basically.

Things to take away from this for future assertion interactions in real life:


Gotta use slow-talk during this, that's for certain.
Tell the person how *I* feel, don't say "you," use "I.
Good practice for something I've been going through but am too lazy to write about here lol (cliffs = jerk at gym is being rude to me and putting me down, I will say something next time if he keeps being rude).

*Behavioral for tomorrow:
*

Walk up and down a random aisle between seats. Look around to see if people are paying attention to you. If they do, it doesn't necessarily mean they're thinking bad thoughts about you anyways.
Practice "letting it go" and loosening up on the subway (the feeling of discomfort when I feel people are looking at me).
Smile and say "hi" to someone.
*Victory Log:
*

I admitted to myself that I've gotten lazy with my CT practice. Yes, it's true I was busy, but I couldn't take 30 mins out of my day to do it? I felt bad about it for a while, but I've accepted it at this point. People get lazy, it happens. I've decided to re-dedicate myself to this though, and I will do CT every day seriously. I'm going to take this very seriously from now on.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/19/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:

*I listened to 10A/10B once.
I read over Bullying Liars, Loosen Up and Let Stress Go, & Moving In A Positive Direction really in-depth and meditated on them. I scanned over Brainwashing and Poisonous Thoughts.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I accomplished my 3 goals fairly well.

The first goal, walking up and down the aisle, I didn't really do because I forgot, but I did look around while I actually sat down and saw in fact that no one was looking at me. I then proceeded to let my anxious feelings go.

I smiled and said Hi or Bye to a bunch of people. It got a lot easier as I went on.

On the subway, I was very relaxed and managed to let things go by closing my eyes and meditating (I did this while doing CT actually).

*09/20/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:

*None today unfortunately, I didn't listen to the tapes either.

*Behavioral Therapy:

*I forgot to plan out my goals so I winged it a little bit.

Throughout the day, I told myself to Loosen up after anxiety-producing situations, which helped a lot.

I've been trying to be more spontaneous, to try to make myself believe that I can do anything and it won't matter. I told some woman eating outside "Bless you" when she sneezed, lol. She smiled and said thanks. 

I wanted to make conversation with a chick at the bus stop but didn't. I was too apprehensive and thought too much about it, I think. I just asked her for the time at one point, but that was nothing at all because I can ask anyone for the time and not have it be to anxiety-producing.

*Goals for Tomorrow:
*

Sit down next to a random person and make spontaneous conversation in lecture about whatever.
One goal for tomorrow, the rest of the time is going to be devoted to studying lol.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*09/23/10:*

*Cognitive Therapy:

*To do this after I blog.

*Behavioral Therapy (past few days):

*My goal a few days ago was to sit down next to a random person and just make conversation with him/her in lecture. That didn't happen because I felt like crap when I woke up from lack of sleep and just didn't feel like psyching myself up into doing it.

On Wednesday, I didn't do much anything either.

Today was better. I went to a review session for a midterm coming up and asked a ton of questions. It was very scary at first actually. But I used slow talk and kept on telling myself my thoughts were irrational and people didn't really care what I said. I was extremely nervous when I raised my hand and asked that first question, but then it got easier and easier until it became automatic and I didn't even think about the fact that people were judging me or anything like that. It was just fine. I even stuttered a little bit when I was asking a question, which happens when I get nervous, but I honestly don't think people cared.

I really have to do a more active job of keeping those ANTs away. I need some new rational statements, I really haven't used any in a while.

Some ANTs I have been having:

1. People must think I am so awkward and weird. I just don't know how to act in front of these people. They must notice me noticing them and they must think I'm some sort of creep.

The rational response:

Actually, people probably don't even notice you. Remember, most people don't have social anxiety and they're just off in their own worlds. They are not fixated nearly as much on other people as you might think. Just focus on something else, because it does no good to dwell on this, especially when it's just untrue.

2. The progress I have been making seems to be diminishing recently. I just don't see an end in sight to this horrendous social anxiety.

The rational response:

The reason you don't see an end in sight is because you are falling into the same SA traps day after day. You need to focus on the strategies that you have learned. Remember, focus on the RATIONAL and away from those lying ANTs. Distract yourself. Turn the tables on those ANTs. Test your beliefs out. Be PERSISTENT and never give up. You cannot fail if you do not give up.

3. I am so bad at making small talk with people I do not know. It is so painful. I am always so unsure of myself, of what to say, of how people will react. I hate how dishonest I am in this kind of small talk.

The rational response:

Remember what you learned about small talk a few weeks ago? Focus on the external, what the other person is saying. Don't go internal at all into the anxiety. Simply respond with what you first think when you hear what the other person has to say, because that's what small talk is. You actually are pretty good at small talk with people you are comfortable with, and with them you just say the first thing that pops up into your mind anyway. Relax and loosen up, just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

*Goal for Tomorrow:
*

If I see any "openings" with the people seated near me, I will take it and start up a conversation. Otherwise, I won't force it.
I have to go pick up a bike helmet tomorrow from somebody. I will make some small talk with him and focus on the external and saying the first thing that comes to mind instead of dwelling on what I am going to say, which is what I normally do.
Tomorrow when I get to lecture, before sitting down, I will look up at all the people to see if people are truly focused on me.
I will smile and say Hello to a few people.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/05/10:
*
I haven't done much CT or BT at all the past 2 weeks. The worst of my midterms ended up today though, so I'm going to start doing behavioral aggressively, I hope. Incrementally, but aggressively.

*Goal for Tomorrow:
*

Call my friend up and ask him if he wants to do something on Thursday or Friday. This guy has always shown an interest in wanting to hang out with me, but I have been less responsive. He thinks I'm very funny and outgoing from a couple of good impressions he got from me when I first met him a few years ago, so I get really self-conscious and insecure that he will find out who I "really am".
I have to go to the bookstore tomorrow to buy a book. I'm going to ask the clerk very directly and clearly, "Hello, how are you?" I will focus on the external (her) while I do this. The goal is to try to be more assertive.
I'm going to mill around and walk around the busiest part of campus. I am always scared of running into people I know from the past, and I'm scared of being in crowds with people in general. It makes me feel lonely when I see all the people walking together. I am going to try a few different things. I will stare at the ground one time, and then I will stare at people another time. I will also try staring into the distance as well. I want to see how all of these things affect my agoraphobia. I want to do several "runs" and "experiments" and see what happens.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/06/10:
*

Well I didn't manage to do any of my goals today lol. I couldn't wake up for my class, so I couldn't go to the bookstore and mill around and do experiments. I also lost my phone, so I couldn't call my friend up and ask him to go out. I did e-mail him though. :roll

However, I did try to just generally put myself out there more today. These were more spontaneous things, rather than planned though. Planned is much more important imo.


I asked the girl next to me in class very directly if she could move her desk over a little. I looked right at her and everything.
I asked a question in class, without even raising my hand. I just thought of asking the question, got a little anxious, said screw it, and asked away.
When the teacher asked us if we wanted to skip going over something and leave early, no one said anything. So I blurted out "Sure." 
Some pretty girl at the bus stop asked me what artist was in town to play at a concert. I answered "Maroon 5 I think," but later when it turned out it was actually Jack Johnson in town, I looked at her and with a smile said, "Nevermind." Before I probably would have felt like an idiot for telling her the wrong thing, but it wasn't too bad; it's never really that bad if you just own up to things lol.

*Goals for Tomorrow:
*

Bookstore + milling around experiments. 
If I find my phone, call my friend and ask him what's up.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/07*08/10:
*
Pretty good 2 days of BT overall.


I didn't do the milling around experiment, I wasn't up for it because I felt very tired. I still need to get that done because that one's going to be helpful for me I think.
Being assertive with the clerk when I was getting the book didn't pan out exactly the way I wanted it to. It turns out she was in the class I was getting the book for, so when she brought that up I became nervous and started to go into SA mode. I have to slow things down next time this happens.

*My Behavioral Hierarchy:
*

Make random conversation with a male I am not intimidated by when he is alone.
Make random conversation with a male I am intimidated by when he is alone.
Make random conversation with a female I am not intimidated by when she is alone.
Make random conversation with a person I am not intimidated by when we are around strangers who are within earshot in a not-so-threatening situations like a bus stop.
Make random conversation with a person when we are around strangers in one of my big lecture halls.
Make random conversation with a male I AM intimidated by when we are around strangers who are within earshot in a not-so-threatening situations like a bus stop.
Make random conversation with a female I am intimidated by when she is alone.
Make random conversation with a female I am intimidated by when strangers are within earshot.
Make random conversation with a female I am intimidated by in an intimidating setting like a lecture hall.
Ultimate goal: Speak freely and honestly to anyone.


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## Lateralus (Oct 28, 2007)

This is awesome, it gives me hope for CBT. Keep it up. Great thread.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/12/10:

*I did #1 and #3 on my Hierarchy last week, not too bad.

For tomorrow, I wanted to be a little more specific.


Ask a specific someone in my discussion section about class scheduling. It is a little awkward for me because I can tell he does not remember my name, even though I know his. It just makes me feel awkward, but not in terms of self-esteem. The goal is to ask him very directly how he is and then get into a conversation with him.
Ask an acquaintance in my English class how he is and make conversation with him.
Ask an acquaintance at my gym how he is and make conversation with him.


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## VC132 (Sep 1, 2010)

Yeah!


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/14/10:

*It's been a pretty good week.

Some highlights:


Almost halfway through the hierarchy. #1 thru 4 completed, as well as #5 in a way (yes, it was a in a big lecture hall, but it was in the very front row so I didn't get the anxiety I normally get).
I'm making stuff happen in my life! I've been wanting forever to volunteer as a youth mentor in a reading program around here, but I was always too scared. I decided to do it Tuesday and went in earlier today to check it out. I met some nice people. I meet my kid next Tuesday. I didn't let any anxious thoughts into my brain regarding going in, because I just figured, it really was no big deal. And it turned out it wasn't.
I've been a lot more outgoing in general. Basically, before if I was debating with myself whether or not to say or do something in a social situation, I wouldn't. Now, I am more likely to. One example: some clerk had on a T-shirt I have at home, and I just commented and said, "Hey I have that shirt too!" Sometimes, I still do not though. The goal is to keep moving it up and keep doing things that are out of my comfort zone.
I called up my friend and asked him to dinner. That's a victory in itself because I very rarely call people to do things. He couldn't make it, but I look forward to eating and talking with him. It will be a good opportunity to work on my conversation skills.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Wow, your progress is inspiring ...it's remarkable how far you have come, and in such a short time! :yes

I enjoyed reading this--especially all of your "behavior" sections. You are so motivated! And you explain everything so well too--everyone on SAS should read this!!! What a great example you are for all of us...


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words everyone. There is room for improvement though.

*10/15/10:

*Not too bad of a day.

*Highlights:*


Everyone in my class was waiting for exams to be handed back, and I didn't really know why it was taking the TAs so long, so I asked a couple of females about it. Nothing too big, but it's a good step towards being able to talk to chicks lol.
Made some nice, casual conversation with an acquaintance in English class. Was pretty relaxed.
Got a look from a girl for studying another subject while the Professor was lecturing, roffles. I could have made a big deal out of the fact that she was probably judging me, but it didn't bother me for that long. I basically just said "whatever" and went on with what I was doing. In general, I've been a lot better lately with not associating a look from another person with the interpretation that he or she wants to hurt me. This has been huge because that's one of the things that has always fueled my SA. People look at you because you happen to be in their line of vision, it doesn't need to be personal all the time.
Saw an old classmate that I haven't seen in 1.5 years. Waved enthusiastically at her from across the street, she didn't recognize me at first, but then she waved back. Had a good little conversation. The best thing about it was I was honest. I genuinely was glad to see her and had a genuine interest in what she's been up to. At the end, I hugged her goodbye, which was terrific, because I've never initiated a hug a girl before other than family.
Pretty girl sat next to me on the plane. I didn't freak out as much as I normally do. I still did get a little self-conscious, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in the past. I just focused on reading my textbook and it was okay.
*Lowlights:*


Felt like making a comment to the guy next to me that his burrito smelled good, but I didn't.  I need to just go for it next time, instead of debating about it in my head. Once it starts to go into debate, I most likely will back down and not do something.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/20/10:

*Highlights from this past week:


Went out to eat with a friend and really enjoyed myself, I had a great time. We're now actually pretty close I think, after that. We had a great talk and know each other a lot better now. This is huge because on the rare occasions that I did go out with people in the past, it was always just for the sake of keeping up appearances. I was always nervous and didn't really enjoy myself, the conversations I had were dull and pointless as well.
I sort of figured out how to be a lot more relaxed and HONEST in conversation after that night out with my friend. I ended up doing #5 and #6 on my hierarchy today. An acquaintance in my English class and _his_ acquaintance were standing outside waiting for class to start and talking. A lot of other people were within earshot too. I joined in the conversation by asking how he was and then proceeded to have some nice chit-chat with the 2 of them. The most triumphant part of this is that I was HONEST with them and with myself. Before, I would always get so nervous about saying the "right" thing that I would make stuff up - I couldn't help it. But in this conversation, I just talked about what I did yesterday, truthfully.
Also spoke more honestly with my gym buddy. Was much more relaxed than I probably ever have been talking to him.
Was trying to sneak out of lecture and almost fell on my face! LOL. :yes I was trying to hurry up the steps so I could get out quickly without the TAs or the lecturer noticing, but I moved too quickly and tripped and almost landed on my face (hands stopped me). I quickly rose and looked straight ahead, and kept on going. Why is this a highlight, you may ask? Because I wasn't too bothered by it afterward. I even heard people snickering at me and I'm pretty sure almost 1/4 of the class saw me trip and fall, but it _was_ pretty funny. It's something I'm embarrassed about sure, but I now have the power to remove that unrealistic thinking (ANTs) about it from my mind. Rationally, are people going to remember it in a week's time? Probably not. Is it rational for me to spend so much time obsessing over it when people actually probably forgot about it 2 minutes after it occurred? Nope. So, I just accept it and move on. It feels great.
Lowlights:


I'm still not comfortable talking with one of my other gym buddies. I gotta keep trying with him and speak more honestly and openly with him.
Cute girl in my apartment building who's always opening the door for me when I take my bicycle in and out of the building initiated conversation. She said something along the lines of "I always see you ," with the smile lol. How could this possibly be a lowlight, you may ask? Bah, I wasn't really responsive.  I got nervous and clammed up like I usually do. I said "Yeah," and then "Thanks... again" when she opened the door for me *without even looking at her*!!!    Definitely a lowlight. I have to be honest, I was just a little depressed about this. *BUT*, next time, I'm definitely definitely *DEFINITELY* going to say something. I'm trying to downplay any illusions I have about this girl. It's really easy to go off into fantasyland and think, I'm going to charm the hell out of her and make her fall madly in love with me, lol. But, it's not about that for me, not at this point in my life at least. The point right now is to just *MAKE CONVERSATION *with her. Or at least introduce myself to her and at least exchange a few words. That's it. If I could accomplish that the next time I see her, that would be good enough for now.

I didn't mention my volunteering experiences in my Highlights section, but I just wanted to point out that I'm really enjoying the time there so far. I just feel happy when I've finished my session with my kid (helping him read). I'm so glad I joined. I'm so glad I had the _courage_ to join.

So basically, all my hard work doing the Cognitive Therapy has been paying dividends when it comes to Behavioral Therapy, which has really been affecting positive changes in my life.  I'm so much more out there than I used to be.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/21/10:

*Highlights:


Circle of Death! Basically, we had a sub for a section and she had us go around and introduce ourselves. I was a lot calmer than I was in the past. The anxiety wasn't 100% gone, but I would say a 70% reduction sounds about right. I didn't start getting anxious until it got close to my turn. When I spoke, it turns out okay. Even though I WAS nervous, I just slowed down my speech, and afterward, I had an easy time letting it go, because to other people they probably didn't even detect a hint of nervousness. 
Made a new friend! My section was re-locating to another classroom, and I made a comment to the girl I was walking next to, something along the lines of "damn I left my bike back there." A guy who I recognized from my English class but never spoke to before chimed in and said, "Yeah me too." So after class, I introduced myself to him and we walked together across campus to get our bikes. I almost chickened out too, because introductions are scary for me. But I'm glad I did it, it turns out he's a cool guy.

Lowlights:


Nothing really. Should have made conversation with the taco stand girl I guess?


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## trinity02 (Jul 29, 2010)

thanks for posting all this


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/23/10:

*Wanted to give a quick update for these past couple of days.

Highlights:


Had a green vegetable stuck in the front of my teeth for 2 hours or so while I talked to people, LOL. I realized this only when I went to the mirror.  No wonder I was getting some strange looks. But it didn't even bother me. I just thought So what? And that was that. I just have a lot better control over what I choose to believe and feel now.
At the airport yesterday, dramatic reductions in agoraphobia. Didn't really even think about the people everywhere. This wasn't a conscious decision, I think it's just due to the fact I've been do so much behavioral activity that it blended over. Which is great.
For group therapy today, we went to the mall and did behavioral experiments. I was pretty relaxed throughout. I did have some anticipatory anxiety the night before but once I got there it went well. One of my group members even remarked on how I didn't seem nervous at all.
Got makeup applied to myself in a makeup store!  We just went in there and told her that I was going to be a stage extra in the play and she put eyeliner on me. Noticed very little anxiety interacting with the salesperson. Afterward, I went up to a random salesgirl working at another stand and asked if she could tell I have makeup on. She looked confused. LOL. I actually did a lot of other stuff (we came with a list of 20 activities), but that was pretty much the worst and it wasn't even bad at all. Some other stuff on my list: giving a compliment to a stranger, walking around with fly open, asking an obvious customer a question as if he he were a salesperson, asking a group of strangers what time it was, etc. I just basically didn't care or really think about how people reacted to me.

So yeah, lots of success lately. For those of you who are looking for advice, I would say the handout that really has changed my life these past few weeks is "The Profound Concept." It basically says you have to act first before feelings follow. You can do all the CT you want, but eventually you're going to have to act. Somewhere along the line, every person struggling with SA has to take a leap of faith. And it doesn't have to be a big leap at all. In fact, Dr. Richards encourages starting VERY small with something you know you CAN do, and building up from there.

What can I say? I've been the most SA free I've ever been right now. Right now, the key is just maintaining this level of behavioral therapy to really hammer this new neuropathway into the brain, because if I don't keep doing behavioral the old neuropathway will take over.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

By the way, I really want to thank all of you who have posted in my thread. It has been very, very encouraging. In fact, I honestly don't think I could have done it without you guys. There was a time there where I did get lazy with my CT and was just not doing any BT at all, being very lazy, etc. The fact that you guys have said my log has inspired you was very, very touching, and I realized that this log isn't just for me, it's also for you guys. And that really got me going again. I really want to make this log something people with SA can read and find out how to get over their own SA. 

I'll be busy for a couple of weeks with midterms, but after that, I promise to make a post where I pick apart all the successes and failures I've had over the past few months, what I did well, what I didn't do well, what I could have done better, which handouts in the booklet to really focus on, which aren't that important, etc.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/24/10:
*

Highlights:


Had a super-long 40-minute+ conversation with some guy who was on my flight as we headed back to school together. I initiated conversation, and we had a pretty good convo about a myriad of things. I was very relaxed and comfortable and I was mostly honest with him. I say mostly honest because when parties, etc. were brought up, I felt embarrassed that I basically have no party experience so I tried to steer the conversation another way. I'm getting pretty good at talking I think.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*10/30/10:
*
Group ended today, and I was a little sad about it. There were a lot of good people in there, and now I won't see them anymore. :| However, the group leader is going to send out everyone's email addresses, so hopefully we keep in touch.

It was definitely one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, to attend group, even with school and flying down and everything. It's definitely changed my life for the better, and I really want to keep the momentum going. I actually plan to sign up for another group in the future, circumstances permitting.

I still have one more midterm on Thursday, but after that, I have some goals.



Review all the CT materials and see which concepts I still have not fully implemented, and then go back and practice them.
Start keeping up with 30 minutes of CT daily! I've been slacking because I was putting a lot of effort into BT, which by itself was enough for "maintenance," but of course the combination of the 2 is always the best.
Use lots of hierachies for behavioral and for implementing the CT into behavioral.
Go out with my friend, get drunk, go to a party, something along those lines, lol. I've been at college for 3 years and have never even went out with friends for the night.
Hopefully make new friends? This is tough because half the semester is already over, etc. But hey, you never know.

Will update on Friday or Saturday.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*What I Still Need to Work On for CT:
*

Wow, going over all the handouts is going to take a lot longer than I thought. I'm not even halfway there yet. I'll just keep updating this entry though until I finish.

Slow Talk:  This has been a very successful technique for me, when I have implemented it. The keys are a loosening of my throat muscles so as to have my voice sound so forced and forceful and a deliberateness to the words in the sentences that I form. However, oftentimes my old neural pathways take over and I forget to stay relaxed and slow my speech down. I need to practice in all my interactions with people, no matter how small they are. The most important thing is to just keep doing it (and *remembering* to do it initially), until it becomes automatic.

ANT Stoppage #1: The key concepts here are just noticing you are having ANTs, making a rational statement to yourself (I'm having them in the first place, it's not helpful, etc.), and then distracting yourself. With regular CT practice, I got to the point where I noticed a lot of my ANTs. This skill disappears without regular practice though. I did not succeed in making an *out-loud* statement* though, which is probably a very important component of this first stoppage handout. I never felt distractions worked for me, but now that I think about it, it probably is because my distractions were not that great. I have to do something more *active*, like singing a song, listening to music, getting up and taking a walk, instead of just surfing the Internet and reading pages, which is what I did. I think this is a pretty useful skill to master because it keeps your brain primed at all times that you're having ANTs. I should master this one.

Rational Coping Statements: I didn't think these worked well for me, but I think maybe that's because I didn't take them seriously enough. I gave up on these pretty quickly, if I recall. It probably is more important to have just one general statement in my mind instead of memorizing 3, as the handout suggests. If I had to give it another shot, my RCS would be: "My feelings are not always rational. I'm just going to calm down and everything will be alright."

ANTs Handout: I actually read over this one pretty regularly, but after a while it became just that, reading the words and not absorbing the meaning of every sentence. I think that's why it wasn't as effective for me as it should be. According to Dr. Richards, this one is really important. It makes sense because you start viewing your ANTs as harmful and as liars, which makes you reject them more quickly and automatically after a while instead of just accepting them. The MAIN POINT is, DON'T GIVE YOUR ANTS *ANY CREDENCE AT ALL*. I have to practice this one and really try to absorb the meanings.

The Fighting Paradox: This handout just emphasizes acceptance and the fact that you can't fight your SA. It can serve as a pretty helpful reminder for me. I will probably really read it in detail and absorb it once a week on say, Saturday, and then the rest of the week just glance over it to remind myself of the concepts.

Therapy Reminders: The best thing to take out of this is "don't compare yourself to others." It just fuels the low self-esteem, at least in my case. It's not fair to compare myself with other people because everyone has had different life experiences.

Attitudes: This one is great. The skill has fallen off for me recently because I have not been practicing the CT, but this one was terrific for ditching the post-event beating up of myself. I don't have to read this in detail every day, but skimming it will help.

How You See Yourself & The World: This handout actually was not emphasized but I feel it's very important. The most important points are: (1) "What you believe, essentially, comes true" & (2) people don't react negatively to US as individuals&#8230; "they are reacting to the way we ACT or behave." How we choose to see ourselves and the world is a reflection of how people come to see us. I think I still need to work on the concepts from these handouts because even though I have had a lot of success with COPING strategies for overcoming my SA, I feel I can still do better with FUNDAMENTAL beliefs. This is something I should look over every day, maybe just highlighting the main points would suffice.

Two Competing Neural Pathways: Great handout that makes a lot of sense. Something to look over whenever I feel discouraged about my progress.

The SA Automatic Cycle: Another good handout that emphasizes how our beliefs are the cause of our SA. It also explains the fact that our SA symptoms are not really apparent to other people at all, and if they are, we usually over-exaggerate how much people are paying attention or even care. This is something to highlight the main points of and go over day.

Turning the Tables on ANTs, Part 1: This is an important one. Basically, it tells you to go rational and neutral, to tell yourself something that you know is factually true to help you deal with your anxiety by using a lot of MAYBE statements. Something to skim over and get the concepts of.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*11/06/10:

*Highlights from the past week:
 

Asked a lot of questions during my professor's office hours. I wasn't nervous actually, even though there were a number of others in the room. I just focused on the question I was asking and didn't really pay attention to how I was being perceived, and it was fine.
Called up a friend to go watch a movie. We didn't end up going but it was still a good behavioral exercise. It gets me out there and taking the initiative more.
Called up a classmate I saw at the supermarket and asked him out to lunch. I was a little bit anxious because I rarely call people up to ask them for lunch, but this turned out to be quite enjoyable.
 
Lowlights from the past week:


I spoke out a lot during one my discussion sections this week, but I just felt horrible about it afterward because I felt I had made a fool of myself by asking stupid questions.  It bothered me for a long while actually. The good thing is I don't think it's going to prevent me from continuing to raise my hand and ask questions.
Cute girl from my apartment building was getting the mail as I walked up the stairs to enter the building. I know I wrote in the blog that I DEFINITELY was going to make small talk with her the next time I saw her, but that ended up not happening.  The thing is, it's so random when I see her (sometimes weeks go by) that when I do I get startled and start feeling very anxious. Boo. However, I did make a comment about her "being very kind" about opening the door, which she seemed a little flustered about, so that was interesting. Haha. Maybe I can still salvage this. The only thing I can do is to say, "Hey, how are you?" next time.


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## AlekParker (Oct 31, 2006)

Hey man I just read through much of your journal. That's awesome! You should keep it up. If you want more practice or just 'repetition' and review come by our CBT group meetings:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/groups/online-cbt-group-therapy/

We even do things like practice over video chat --you can practice anything from role playing that you're on a date, or giving a speech, or just talking to an acquaintance, like the guy that you felt uncomfrotable with at the gym.

Our next meeting is this Thursday at 6 pm pacific

tinychat.com/onlinecbt
password: sas

Later dude

PS
With that girl from your apartment, maybe next time just say the hi how are you doing or a simple Great to see you again stranger!! said with a smile


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