# volunteering .... filled with terror



## dorchester (May 20, 2015)

Well, I forced myself to volunteer at a hospice. I found out later on that I need 16 hours of training before I can begin and because I didn't want to drop out, I accepted it.

Well the first class was two weeks ago and the first ordeal was going around and introducing ourselves and why we came here (i thought that finished in highschool!!! :afr). I made a short introduction and I must have sound something funny - i don't remember. honestly, oh my goodness, everyone was laughing at something I said. I would have loved to drop dead. i could feel my face burning up. ughh. SO embarrassing. I forced myself to concentrate on other people and I took notes on what everyone said, so I at least remembered their name. As soon as it finished, i ran back to my house (i live 5 minutes away) and just started crying. I really wanted to drop so bad.

Last week was the next session and I was so nervous before class even began. I couldn't control my shivering and the lady next to me asked me if I wanted a hot drink because she thought I was cold. I felt like jumping out the window but she brought me hot tea and I told her thank you. (i was so embarrassed but she is so nice. bless her) Halfway through the session , I started to getting something like a panic attack. I began getting a really intense head ache. I could feel my heart beating, I was sweating, I could feel cold flashes shooting down and I did all I could to control my breathing. Apparently, the instructor told everyone to turn to a certain page during that time and everyone was there except for me. She asked everyone if they were on the right page and noticed I wasn't, so she called me out and helped me find the page while everyone was staring at me as she helped me find the right page. (HAHAHA help me) I just wanted to get out so bad. When class ended, I was getting ready to run out the door again (I think it's my ritual now) when the kind lady next to me asked me if I was coming next week. I wasn't thinking anymore I just smiled and told her yes. It took me a few hours for me to register her question and i'm dieing on the inside now. I don't want to go and I'm feeling so down. ugghhhh. I'm happy for myself for making it through this much but i'm so embarssed. I'm going to force myself to keep going but it's so hard.


----------



## aaaa1111bbbb2222cccc3333 (May 10, 2015)

First off congrats for doing this  yes introducing oneself in front of the others is pretty horrible, i always hated doing that. I don't think they laughed maliciously though, and if you said something funny they will probably have forgotten it the next time, we tend to be very self conscious about this stuff so it makes it look more important than it really is, in my opinion. If you really feel too bad you can always make up some excuse but i think you should go, the first times are always the ones that induce more anxiety, after a few times things will probably become routine and be less intimidating.


----------



## motif93 (Jul 20, 2015)

Wow that's awesome that you went, I think you should definitely keep going! I've had a similar experience as well at an interview, I screwed up so so bad and cried after I'd rather shoot myself than go through that again.. Maybe you can do something before the class to calm your mind like exercise? Sometimes that works for me, like go for a run or a short workout or something.


----------



## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

You are very brave and it's really impressive that you are heading back  good for you. It really will become a bit easier the more times you go. 

I guess I'll tell you a story of something that happened to me that hopefully might make you feel a little better at the end  your story kinda reminded me about it, at least the feelings you described sure did.

So a few years ago the top boss of my company at the time was retiring and they decided to throw him a big going away party. They decided a representative of each department will give a speech as a farewell at a big going away gala dinner (que the horror movie soundtrack).

Since I was the one who wrote up the reports and such at the time in my department, my immediate boss decided that it should be me to write and then present the speech. Despite pleas and numerous efforts to get out of it I could not. As icing on the cake, the retireing top boss was a professor and scientist of some note so the gala would have city councillors, respected scientists, relatives, company clients and of course every single coworker of mine in the entire company, probably near a 100 people in total and definitely not an informal group...NO PRESSURE!!! (shivers, much shivers).

It's important to note I'm not even fully comfortable with receiving a delivered pizza at my door, let alone something like this. So as you can imagine I think I spent 3 days not sleeping before that big Gala. I had the speech prepared and it was ok and I had spent maybe 12 hours rehearsing the wretched thing. I was allowed to bring my brother so he at least could prop me up a bit beforehand. So as the other speakers are going through their turns speaking I'm sitting at the table trying to keep it together. Cold sweat running down my cheeks in a fairly hot room, fingers so clammy I'm hopeing I can still hold my sheet. Strange pulses of hot and cold running through my body. Fun times for sure XD

The MC introduces me and calls me up, I get up to the podium, both my feet have those little tingles you get if you sit on them too long. Hundreds of eyes turn to me. I start the speech, I forget a line and loose my spot on the sheet, it feels like it takes a full minute to find the spot again. Countless judgemental eyes waiting impatiently 

I start again, I feel the intense heat on my face like a huge ember glowing, I am convinced I am now blushing in the colour range between a beet and fire truck. I push on, feeling like I'm delivering it at twice the speed I practiced just to get out of there. Almost out! almost out! is all I can think of while trying to keep that fake presentation face as best as I can. It's a disaster anyway best just to get it done quick, the sweat is just ice cold now and hands so numb I could probably have left them there and not noticed. I start to see little white lights in my peripheral vision and they are growing to cover more and more of my vision. Balance is starting to feel a bit light....But I finish the speech at that moment! The mob...err crowd claps and I make a hasty exit out the side door to the parking lot.

I book it to my car kinda half stumbling at this point and get into the seat, the white lights in my vision still growing and growing till poof I just blacked out for a couple minutes. If that speech had been a 2 minutes longer everyone would have seen a grown *** man faint and flop over a podium like a limp noodle  but thankfully I avoided that. 

So here is the part that might make you feel a bit better I hope 

I started to get it togther after a few minutes and my brother eventually found me and came out to join me in the car. He asked me what I was doing and we talked for a while, he told me the speech went ok and why was I so worried? I was like "what? you didn't just see me butcher that thing and pass out?" He's like no it went fine and he took out and showed me the whole thing which he had filmed on his phone.

The 1 minute awkward pause was like 1 second, you could not see me blushing like a school girl at all, the sweat was completely non visible, the speed of the speech was fine, my hands where a bit pale but nothing noticeable, you'd only be able to see me shiver if you sat right next to me, it just looked like every other speaker's boring speech without much stuttering or anything.

What you end up realizing after all that is that the panic and fear and dread you feel in a social situation like that, is not really very visible to others it's almost entirely internal. For me that's always been a comfort to know and has really helped whenever I get put into a similar situation. It makes it a bit easier to do if you know that even tho you can't fully stop these stupid feelings, people aren't really seeing them and that in itself makes them just a little bit more manageable.

So I hope that can bring you a little bit of comfort too and I'm sorry for dragging it out into such a long story 

Best of luck in your future classes and the volunteering  I believe in you


----------



## dorchester (May 20, 2015)

NerdlySquared said:


> You are very brave and it's really impressive that you are heading back  good for you. It really will become a bit easier the more times you go.
> 
> I guess I'll tell you a story of something that happened to me that hopefully might make you feel a little better at the end  your story kinda reminded me about it, at least the feelings you described sure did.
> 
> ...


That gave me a good laugh. Thanks for writing something that was embarrassing to you just to encourage me. Sometimes you just look back on your experiences and it just makes you shrieval up and smile at the same time. i am so happy that you were able to pull it off until the end! 
And i absolutely agree with you. SAD is like your internal devil that you gotta learn to hug. T_T but it makes it so hard because eventually, you can't tell which parts of your internal thoughts are true or excessive.


----------



## Cate P (Jul 19, 2015)

Awesome. I always want to but I make excuses of why I can't commit the time. I'm really not doing anything else (except I am at 1055 on Candy Crush). I think it is better when you are sort of "forced", like the signing up, saying you were coming the next time, and like the work speech. Sometimes I watch Jim Carrey's movie "Yes Man" and it motivates me for a day or two, but lately I've been sort of a shut in. You're stories were encouraging.


----------



## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

congrats im volunteering as well at goodwill going on my seventh month.


----------



## NerdlySquared (Jul 18, 2015)

I'm glad you got a chuckle from the story Dorchester  In terms of which thoughts are true and which are excessive, they are both true, they are part of you, even if they can be annoying and unwelcome. But what that also means is you can ultimately control the ones that push too far; we are all still figuring out better and better ways as to how, but the more little steps you take like this volunteering, the less and less loudly they will bark  I hope you let us know how the next class goes, I hope it's much easier  It sounds like you already have a nice person to sit next to 

Also, Congrats Cate! on the Candy Crush 1055 

All the best to everyone


----------



## rosecolored (May 13, 2012)

That's awesome that you went and got through it. You don't have to go back if you feel like you can't handle it. I found myself in a similar situation today. I was at a job center and signed up for an interview at a fast food place because I didn't want to tell the lady no. I know I can't deal with cashiering at a fast food place right now, so I'll just call the center back next week and tell them I can't make it. Do you have any food banks in your area? I volunteer at one and I think it's a great place for people with SA to help out at. The work there is easy and straight forward. Your avi is nice, btw.


----------



## rosecolored (May 13, 2012)

CopadoMexicano said:


> congrats im volunteering as well at goodwill going on my seventh month.


That's great  what kind of tasks do you do at Goodwill? I might start volunteering or a temp job there soon.


----------



## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

rosecolored said:


> That's great  what kind of tasks do you do at Goodwill? I might start volunteering or a temp job there soon.


cool. they have me doing everything from donation greeter to floor associate, working with textiles like putting prices on donations, and sorting out clothing.


----------



## rosecolored (May 13, 2012)

CopadoMexicano said:


> cool. they have me doing everything from donation greeter to floor associate, working with textiles like putting prices on donations, and sorting out clothing.


That's great that you're staying active and helping out the community  That's inspiring and gives me some hope that I can do it, too.


----------



## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

rosecolored said:


> That's great that you're staying active and helping out the community  That's inspiring and gives me some hope that I can do it, too.


thanks and good luck.


----------



## rosecolored (May 13, 2012)

CopadoMexicano said:


> thanks and good luck.


Thanks a lot


----------



## darkangelrebekah7 (Jul 15, 2015)

*To all SA members!*

GO SA MEMBERS GO! :grin2:


----------



## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

You pushed through some suffering and had some experiences. Experiences make us grow, _great _job and keep pushing! The more you expose yourself and rethink how you feel in each situation, the better you're gonna get


----------



## poisongenius (Nov 8, 2015)

I had the same experience in several interviews too: I tried to be as confident as humany possible, I said everything with a volume of maximum(something I rarely do in real life), I flipped my head back and forth and made laughable gestures with my hands whenever I tried to put my ideas across. At those time the interviewers all gave me a weird look, but I didn't really notice and just carried on making a fool out of myself. I just wanted to be different from my normal self, and indeed I had succeeded, since normally people just tend to ignore me instead of giving me weird looks.

The most embarassing thing is that some of the interviewers are of the same age as me, 17, and look how different we are.


----------

