# 'Playing the Victim'



## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

Too easy to get frustrated, isn't it?

I've had someone tell me, "You think life is just so hard for you, don't you? Well get over it."

I didn't actually reply, because frankly she was being a gigantic dick and I didn't know what I said that could have set her off (I wasn't complaining about anything). It was really quite peculiar.

It's really impossible to understand unless you've been there yourself. But frankly, this is what depressed people look like. They reject the help you offer them and that's part of the problem. In fact, SA + depression is one of the worst mental illnesses to have. Not only do you go out of your way to avoid help, but you reject it when offered.

The above approach, however, is tantamount to yelling at your computer when it doesn't work.

This is why I find humans so... perplexing. Despite possessing the actual rational processes to evaluate and solve problems, more often than not, they resort to extremely irrational and childish behavior. In short, they become frustrated easily when things do not go their way.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Sacrieur said:


> Too easy to get frustrated, isn't it?
> 
> I've had someone tell me, "You think life is just so hard for you, don't you? Well get over it."
> 
> ...


I had social anxiety. I have depression and still do, but that doesn't mean that I give up. I want to change for the better.

It's natural to be frustrated when you see people consistently put themselves down and reject help that is offered to them.

What I'm saying is playing the victim isn't going to help your case. And it frustrates others that care about you and if you don't want them helping you then fine. I'm asking those who know that they do this or are now aware of it to consider that maybe they're not a victim to everything in life because in reality, you're not. We all suffer too.

Your response just sounds like 'ah you don't understand what it's like to be in MY shoes therefore your opinion is just childish'. I'm just stating my opinion, if you don't agree then I can't do much more.


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## starburst93 (Dec 1, 2012)

I think people who play the victim are somewhat addicted to their misery because they like the attention that being a victim gives them. It's a hard cycle to get out of because if they go out and try to fix their problems they would lose their means of getting attention.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

starburst93 said:


> I think people who play the victim are somewhat addicted to their misery because they like the attention that being a victim gives them. It's a hard cycle to get out of because if they go out and try to fix their problems they would lose their means of getting attention.


That's a great way of putting it. 
I remember the days I was anxious and I had the same attitude because I couldn't talk to strangers, and this was back in my high school years but ever since becoming more extroverted I can strike up conversations with anyone I want, so it's easier for me to get attention but for anxious people they'd have to rely more on this method.


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## march_hare (Jan 18, 2006)

For sure it's a prevalent attitude on this forum.
And a lot of people here would argue that they are totally justified in being that way. Because hey, the world sucks and other people suck!!!111 (and thus the vicious circle continues spinning round)

The problem is, it's such a hard one to step out of if you've lived in it for a long time and it's pretty much the only mindset you know. For some people it can take a tremendous amount of willpower. I can hold my hands up and say I am always doing it myself. Constantly making incremental steps towards a more positive mindset though...


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## fury5 (Nov 11, 2013)

My ex girlfriend had/has SA, and I can say that she totally fits your idea perfectly. I tried as hard as I could to comfort her and give her a brighter outlook, but no matter what I did, she refused to accept anything good and veers towards her problems.

It's made her make a lot of bad decisions. Decisions that she can't take back. Consequences that will be there forever. When who I think any normal person in the same situation would have been totally fine.

I don't have SA nearly as bad as she did/does (I honestly don't know how she's doing now), though in some cases I have it worse. But I've never given in to all the negativity she seemed to obsess over. In fact when something goes wrong, I usually first blame myself before blaming my situation or other people.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

It depends on the situation. Sometimes you get people trying to help who are only making your situation worse. My social anxiety is caused largely by a lack of control and independence in my life. When my sister tries to "help" me by making me go to the places she wants, dragging me out of the house and she's in total control of me while were out, she doesn't treat me like an equal. This only makes me feel worse about myself and I end up avoiding my family even more. If someone seriously doesn't understand your problem, at some point, "I appreciate your concern, but you're not helping, don't worry about me" just becomes "Leave me alone".


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## Yer Blues (Jul 31, 2013)

You might wanna get rid of the Charlie Manson quote? Just a suggestion. :b


I get what you're saying Guardian, but do you have any support from family and friends? There are a lot of people who are alone(or who have bad relationships with their family) on this site, and it becomes easy to be self-absorbed in that type of situation. Sometimes you need someone to show you a little help and compassion to make you realize that not everyone out there is trying to hurt you.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

*To sum up, you advice is:*

*1.* it frustrates others when you refuse all help and you are negative
*
2.* everybody's life is hard

*3.* embrace the SA and live on, it doesn't have to control your whole life
_______________________________________________________________________

I don't think your post brings anything "new" to the table. I'll start off by saying that although we all go through hardships, countless here are most likely at the bottom of the happiness scale, compared to "regular folks". Some of us are naturally wired to be negative, and the "think positive" tip doesn't do the job - the reason why CBT therapy doesn't work for many of us with depression. Finally, letting go of one's obsession with SA was never possible in my personal case (and I can't be the only one). The disorder was tied to depression and it ate me inside out 24/7. And when one refuses your help, it probably bugs them more - because of their weakness - than it bugs you, I presume. *Sacrieur* worded it rather eloquently, if I'm not mistaken.

Some members should definitely apply your advice and mindset. For others it's just not going to work.

My 2 cents.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm really trying hard to not play the victim anymore. I am responsible for my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. I am not responsible for other people's thoughts, behaviors, and actions.

It's hard, and I've lost a few friends over it, but I frankly don't care anymore. Trying to "fit in" has driven me crazy, and I'm trying to get well.


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## Unkn0wn Pleasures (Nov 24, 2011)

Maybe it is comon for people with SA to 'play' the victim for attention, I don't know. But your post is pretty ignorant regardless. Social anxiety limits life SO much; obviously people with it will feel helpless- or like a victim. Some may PLAY a victim; some (/most?) FEEL like one. And being close to and open with someone, sharing what your day to day reality with SA is- may look a lot likeplaying a victim. 

And telling someone to embrace an anxiety disorder is f***ing ridiculous.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Oh look, another person who thinks they can fix a mental illness by telling people to just get over it. :blank

Listen, everyone afflicted with anxiety knows their fears are irrational. THEY KNOW. Okay? We're both on the same page? Now here comes the important part: Knowing does not fix their anxiety. It makes no difference. It doesn't stop the panic attacks, the fear, the feeling of utter loneliness and pain. 

People like you cannot understand because you don't experience it. It's the equivalent of telling someone with liver failure to suck it up and stop being so yellow. It means nothing and shows your utter lack of knowledge about the subject you're trying to advise people about. If people could magically stop being mentally ill, they would. No one wants to be this way. And no one wants to deal with holier-than-thou attitudes from people who will never know the massive amounts of struggle people who have mental illnesses go through. If you had any real life experience with it, you wouldn't be writing all that crap.


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## inerameia (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm pretty sure I've lost my friends due to this attitude. But hey, I can't help it. I'm ****ed up. 

You can't explain someone out of depression and anxiety. It's not that simple. The world isn't that simple. I can see why the negativity she had turned you off, but don't blame her. It's her illness. No amount of comforting and reassuring will change that.

The reason people seek attention is because they feel helpless. They've tried getting over their anxiety but it hasn't worked. They've learned to be helpless. That's why we look to others. I don't want to depend on others but I'm isolated and it sucks. It's not easy to get over when you're at such a low point.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Sacrieur said:


> The above approach, however, is tantamount to yelling at your computer when it doesn't work.


I agree.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> Your response just sounds like 'ah you don't understand what it's like to be in MY shoes therefore your opinion is just childish'. I'm just stating my opinion, if you don't agree then I can't do much more.


I wasn't speaking about me, specifically.

I wasn't aware you had SA and depression, from your introduction I had thought you were a normie.

But that just means you do know what it's like to be in those shoes. But don't construe this for knowing what it's like to have their feet.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I would think most people who "play victims" are unaware of the damage it does. People usually don't want to hurt themselves.


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## Daveyboy (Jan 13, 2013)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> I, a now confident ambivert joined this site hoping to better understand people with SA


Fail


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## housebunny (Oct 22, 2010)

diamondheart89 said:


> It's the equivalent of telling someone with liver failure to suck it up and stop being so yellow.


Actually, I've been wondering about that phrase, and why it is that 'cowardice' was associated with the liver in old westerns. Also the phrase "hasn't got the stomach for it."


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)




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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

OP, I agree 100%.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

diamondheart89 said:


> Oh look, another person who thinks they can fix a mental illness by telling people to just get over it. :blank
> 
> Listen, everyone afflicted with anxiety knows their fears are irrational. THEY KNOW. Okay? We're both on the same page? Now here comes the important part: Knowing does not fix their anxiety. It makes no difference. It doesn't stop the panic attacks, the fear, the feeling of utter loneliness and pain.
> 
> People like you cannot understand because you don't experience it. It's the equivalent of telling someone with liver failure to suck it up and stop being so yellow. It means nothing and shows your utter lack of knowledge about the subject you're trying to advise people about. If people could magically stop being mentally ill, they would. No one wants to be this way. And no one wants to deal with holier-than-thou attitudes from people who will never know the massive amounts of struggle people who have mental illnesses go through. If you had any real life experience with it, you wouldn't be writing all that crap.


Well said. Honestly, I think this thread is more about the socially anxious girl that he knows than it is about anyone here. Calling us "losers" for not accepting his "advice," urging us to "embrace our anxiety" so that he can feel "deeply proud" of us...the language and wording is too emotionally charged to truly be intended for a group of strangers.

TheDarkGuardian, I've noticed you lash out on multiple occasions at female members here who open up about their dating/relationship issues. I'm pretty sure it's all just misdirected anger related to your coworker. I'm sorry things didn't work out between the two of you, but it's really not fair for you to take it out on all of us. You can't snap your fingers and make a problem like social anxiety go away. Just because someone is struggling doesn't mean they are playing the victim.

A lot of people here push themselves really hard just to get out of bed in the morning. A lot of people here are constantly at war with their anxiety. The same people who struggle so hard every day just to be normal come here so they can vent about their issues without being judged. It doesn't make them weak. It doesn't mean that they aren't doing their best every single say. Who are you to judge?


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> I'm just stating my opinion, if you don't agree then I can't do much more.


Actually, you're basically going into attack mode and telling us we're all losers if we don't follow your "advice", which (as others have already reiterated) is basically telling us to suck it up and get over it without even offering any coping strategies.



TheDarkGuardian said:


> This is me offering my support to the forum and if you don't want to take my advice then I don't care, enjoy being a loser for the rest of your life.


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## seeking777 (Oct 24, 2012)

I've definitely had the victim mentality but I made a decision not to live from that place anymore. I still struggle sometimes to want to believe that my circumstances are not in my control but I have to get up everyday and BELIEVE that I can change my life and reach my goals. Even though my feelings tell me life is happening to me, I choose to get up and make life happen. What I realized in some of the growth I've had with my social phobia is that in order to overcome and improve one has to believe that they can do it. But a person has to come to that understanding on their own. I've had family members tell me something like what you just wrote, but I came to understand it in my own time. 

Even today, I lost my wallet and I started feeling down about my life again. But I still had to speak to myself and believe that I will get over this, I will reach my goals and become the woman I want to be. In the last week, I've had triumphs and failures with social phobia but I choose not to let it get me down and I keep trying. But, again an individual had to choose this perspective for themselves. Nobody else can really convince anyone. They have to learn and grow out of the victim mentality on their own. 

But I can understand how you would be frustrated. I'm rather new to this forum but I think I've noticed this on here. There was a thread about not being approached by guys. I gave my two cents about my experience, I don't get approached either. But I also gave some encouragement about things that had made me feel better about it. The reply was pretty much ignored and I guess sometimes people are just in a place where they need to voice their feelings but are not yet ready for solutions. 

Ultimately, again, you cannot force a person to want to improve and become better. He or she has to make that choice for themselves. 

Also, know that each person who struggles with this problem is in a different place in their journey. Not all of us live from the victim mentality. I've been that person who lives from a victim mentality and from time to time I'm tempted to fall back into it. But as I wrote above, most of the time, I get up and choose to make myself and my life better. And I think that's true of a lot of others on here as well. :yes


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## riderless (Jul 21, 2013)

likeaspacemonkey said:


> OP, you are correct. I fully agree. Not all, but some people on here seem to play the victim. Most of us probably exhibit some "playing the victim" behaviour at some point because well, this is a social anxiety forum, where people will mostly talk about their social anxiety related issues. And I agree that the only way to get over it and living life is loosing the victim attitude. I've said it before, self-pity doesn't get you anywhere. I've also said before that life is hard for everyone, and many have it way worse. I agree.
> 
> Then you said that and I went WTF.
> 
> ...


Agree with this post 101%


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## riderless (Jul 21, 2013)

When I get into "victim" mode I hope I don't sound as dull, boring and repetitive as some other people sound when they do the same.
But I'm sure I do.


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## zstandig (Sep 21, 2013)

I never victimized myself I've always known that _I_ was the problem. Any other way would just be arrogant.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

au Lait said:


> Well said. Honestly, I think this thread is more about the socially anxious girl that he knows than it is about anyone here. Calling us "losers" for not accepting his "advice," urging us to "embrace our anxiety" so that he can feel "deeply proud" of us...the language and wording is too emotionally charged to truly be intended for a group of strangers.
> 
> TheDarkGuardian, I've noticed you lash out on multiple occasions at female members here who open up about their dating/relationship issues. I'm pretty sure it's all just misdirected anger related to your coworker. I'm sorry things didn't work out between the two of you, but it's really not fair for you to take it out on all of us. You can't snap your fingers and make a problem like social anxiety go away. Just because someone is struggling doesn't mean they are playing the victim.
> 
> A lot of people here push themselves really hard just to get out of bed in the morning. A lot of people here are constantly at war with their anxiety. The same people who struggle so hard every day just to be normal come here so they can vent about their issues without being judged. It doesn't make them weak. It doesn't mean that they aren't doing their best every single say. Who are you to judge?


*
I grew up quite a bit since my OP and I do apologise for the way I have been acting. To everyone. *Yes I was bitter deep down because of my own problems. I know *not everyone* with anxiety is playing the victim, and if anything I just wanted people to look at their anxiety underneath a different viewpoint. Could they be making themselves out to be the victims to their anxiety? The girl I used to have feelings for blamed everything around her apart from herself and at the end of the day, it was just her. I've lashed out more at most members on this board, whether it's male or female because I'm honestly a blunt and passionate person - I don't like beating around the bush. It's who I am.

The reason I push for changing social anxiety is because I myself use to have it quite seriously and it wasn't until that I took action that I started to feel more confident with myself. I still make mistakes, but I at least state my opinions now and am willing to learn right from wrong. Maybe I should be supportive for other members here but in my own eyes I saw myself as weak hence why I changed on my own self. I'm sorry to judge, I myself am a person with my own baggage and I guess I use this site also as some what of a mental haven.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

People are more likely to give sympathy to people who don't ask for any, whereas they're more willing to attack those who admit they've been hurt/taken advantage of. Admitting weakness is like posting a big sign on your shirt asking people to attack and devour you.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

diamondheart89 said:


> People like you cannot understand because you don't experience it. If you had any real life experience with it, you wouldn't be writing all that crap.


I did have social anxiety. I almost died because of it. I might not experience what you have but I've had my share and I've changed and I thought I could offer a different, yet controversial opinion on the matter. Sorry if I offended you.



Peregrínus said:


> I'm pretty sure I've lost my friends due to this attitude. But hey, I can't help it. I'm ****ed up.
> 
> You can't explain someone out of depression and anxiety. It's not that simple. The world isn't that simple. I can see why the negativity she had turned you off, but don't blame her. It's her illness. No amount of comforting and reassuring will change that.
> 
> The reason people seek attention is because they feel helpless. They've tried getting over their anxiety but it hasn't worked. They've learned to be helpless. That's why we look to others. I don't want to depend on others but I'm isolated and it sucks. It's not easy to get over when you're at such a low point.





tbyrfan said:


> Actually, you're basically going into attack mode and telling us we're all losers if we don't follow your "advice", which (as others have already reiterated) is basically telling us to suck it up and get over it without even offering any coping strategies.


'Sucking it up' was what worked for me. Harsh, but it did.



seeking777 said:


> I've definitely had the victim mentality but I made a decision not to live from that place anymore. I still struggle sometimes to want to believe that my circumstances are not in my control but I have to get up everyday and BELIEVE that I can change my life and reach my goals. Even though my feelings tell me life is happening to me, I choose to get up and make life happen. What I realized in some of the growth I've had with my social phobia is that in order to overcome and improve one has to believe that they can do it. But a person has to come to that understanding on their own. I've had family members tell me something like what you just wrote, but I came to understand it in my own time.
> 
> Even today, I lost my wallet and I started feeling down about my life again. But I still had to speak to myself and believe that I will get over this, I will reach my goals and become the woman I want to be. In the last week, I've had triumphs and failures with social phobia but I choose not to let it get me down and I keep trying. But, again an individual had to choose this perspective for themselves. Nobody else can really convince anyone. They have to learn and grow out of the victim mentality on their own.
> 
> ...


True words. I can offer the 'advice' but at the end of the day it's your choice.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

JakeBoston1000 said:


>


Not if you're around the right people. Let me support you.



Sacrieur said:


> I wasn't speaking about me, specifically.
> 
> I wasn't aware you had SA and depression, from your introduction I had thought you were a normie.
> 
> But that just means you do know what it's like to be in those shoes. But don't construe this for knowing what it's like to have their feet.


I know that I don't know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, I'm trying to speak on my own behalf and apologise if I said otherwise. I haven't seen my own OP for a while now. I'm far from normal.



likeaspacemonkey said:


> OP, you are correct. I fully agree. Not all, but some people on here seem to play the victim. Most of us probably exhibit some "playing the victim" behaviour at some point because well, this is a social anxiety forum, where people will mostly talk about their social anxiety related issues. And I agree that the only way to get over it and living life is loosing the victim attitude. I've said it before, self-pity doesn't get you anywhere. I've also said before that life is hard for everyone, and many have it way worse. I agree.
> 
> Then you said that and I went WTF.
> 
> ...


I do admittedly have this hero complex about myself, but that's just how I am. I didn't have people to support me when I was faced with my own demons, they were too concerned with their own matters. I had to face many of problems on my own, some I failed. Some I succeeded. I didn't have people around me that were willing to accept me for being socially anxious, they took advantage of me - mocked me - judged me. Yeah I'm screwed up and can take a bit too much pride in my achievements but I have to believe in something.

And c'mon, when you have almost every guy complaining about their poor love lives how can that not be a depressing mood to be in?


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

diamondheart89 said:


> People are more likely to give sympathy to people who don't ask for any, whereas they're more willing to attack those who admit they've been hurt/taken advantage of. Admitting weakness is like posting a big sign on your shirt asking people to attack and devour you.


I have my weaknesses. I have my strengths. That makes me human. If they're willing to attack me, then so be it. I'm ready for it.


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

"support me"? What are you talking about? Anyways, I don't even remember posting that. I must have been on Ambien at the time. 

The last thing I need is "support" from some dude on the internet.(Unless of course you have a cure for severe crohns disease, that I will listen to.Short of that no thanks)


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## inerameia (Jan 26, 2012)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> 'Sucking it up' was what worked for me. Harsh, but it did.


I don't remember posting here either. Anyway, I didn't realize a chemical imbalance can simply be sucked up.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

JakeBoston1000 said:


> "support me"? What are you talking about? Anyways, I don't even remember posting that. I must have been on Ambien at the time.
> 
> The last thing I need is "support" from some dude on the internet.(Unless of course you have a cure for severe crohns disease, that I will listen to.Short of that no thanks)


Funny how we post things we don't remember...

Hey man just offering a friendly pat on the back since you were feeling down then.



Peregrínus said:


> I don't remember posting here either. Anyway, I didn't realize a chemical imbalance can simply be sucked up.


That's an interesting way of seeing it, I had severe clinical depression and have been off the meds for about a couple of months. At first it was hard but I was slowly reworking myself to try to find balance. I haven't felt happier/content since though.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

No.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> 'Sucking it up' was what worked for me. Harsh, but it did.


It doesn't work for most. Without coping strategies, most people can't just "suck it up", so they end up bottling their feelings up in an attempt to do so. This makes the problem a lot worse.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

tbyrfan said:


> It doesn't work for most. Without coping strategies, most people can't just "suck it up", so they end up bottling their feelings up in an attempt to do so. This makes the problem a lot worse.


I know that most people can't suck it up. Guess I'm just a rare case, it took a lot to change me though and I've changed as a person quite a bit. I don't bottle my emotions anymore and now tend to direct my anger at people who piss me off.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

diamondheart89 said:


> No.


Oh Lucille.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

TheDarkGuardian said:


> I know that most people can't suck it up. Guess I'm just a rare case, *it took a lot to change me though* and I've changed as a person quite a bit. I don't bottle my emotions anymore and now tend to direct my anger at people who piss me off.


It sounds like you didn't suck it up, but that change was a process for you instead. Sucking it up means quickly getting rid of all your negative feelings and problems without much thought at all.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

zstandig said:


> I never victimized myself I've always known that _I_ was the problem. Any other way would just be arrogant.


Exactly. The fact that I am so shy and socially anxious is the problem.

I can't expect normal girls to want to be around that.


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## MrZetnek (Oct 12, 2013)

I have never considered myself a victim, but as a victor. Life will not get any better unless we do something about it.


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## jamesjameson (Dec 30, 2013)

diamondheart89 said:


> Oh look, another person who thinks they can fix a mental illness by telling people to just get over it. :blank
> 
> Listen, everyone afflicted with anxiety knows their fears are irrational. THEY KNOW. Okay? We're both on the same page? Now here comes the important part: Knowing does not fix their anxiety. It makes no difference. It doesn't stop the panic attacks, the fear, the feeling of utter loneliness and pain.
> 
> People like you cannot understand because you don't experience it. It's the equivalent of telling someone with liver failure to suck it up and stop being so yellow. It means nothing and shows your utter lack of knowledge about the subject you're trying to advise people about. If people could magically stop being mentally ill, they would. No one wants to be this way. And no one wants to deal with holier-than-thou attitudes from people who will never know the massive amounts of struggle people who have mental illnesses go through. If you had any real life experience with it, you wouldn't be writing all that crap.


quoting you cause i think your argument is the most relevant. and obviously 100% correct.
and i dont know who uses sa to get attention, cause myn stops me from seeking any attention.


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## unsocial1 (Nov 10, 2013)

I think if you are in a bad situation long you start being very negative. 

Look up learned helplessness


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## Loveless (Apr 6, 2012)

I don't play the victim, I just need some love in my life. I'm single and ready to mingle ladies . Honestly I think I'm just clinically insane lol. But seriously OP is like my hero in life. I strive to be a girl's guardian someday. Lol I'm just kidding. But go Bayern Munich.


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