# Why are most girls obsessed with confidence?



## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

Why are most girls obsessed with confidence?

Also, does this obsession also related to friendship? Like, would you abandon a guy friend if you later discovered he was unconfident?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


lol! yep


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## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


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## Dissonant (Sep 22, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


Hmmm... most of the women I talk to about dating tell me my lack of confidence is a big turn-off, though... besides, aren't I too ugly to be confident? You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

They are obsessed by status much more than confidence. 

Confidence is a minor factor in attraction. When women say they are attracted to 'confidence' they mean they are attracted to social standing. A confident quiet guy has no visible advantage in dating. 

As early as high school, you can see girls hover around 'cool' and 'popular' guys.

To feel good about themselves, women need to date an important man.


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## nautilus (Aug 21, 2012)

TPower said:


> They are obsessed by status much more than confidence.
> 
> Confidence is a minor factor in attraction. When women say they are attracted to 'confidence' they mean they are attracted to social standing. A confident quiet guy has no visible advantage in dating.
> 
> ...


Wee bit of a generalization, there 

Not sure what you mean by status; I've liked both extroverts and extreme introverts, guys who were more intellectually accomplished than me and guys who had far less intellectual interest than I did, guys who were "good looking" by conventional standards, and guys who my friends thought I was weird for finding attractive, both the charming confident types and the awkward nervous types. I've found patterns in what I find attractive in guys, but I don't think "status" is one of them. If anything, I find the whole social status thing intimidating, but I've been willing to look past it on occasion if I think the guy is a genuinely kind person.

I suppose the only proof I have to back up my claims is the time I've spent liking this variety of guys, and the actions I've taken in showing interest in them (be it talking to them, giving compliments, or asking them out). Granted, I may not be a "stereotypical female". I wasn't even interested in dating in high school. However, I find it unlikely that I'm the only female who thinks this way. I wouldn't worry so much about statistics; look for the people you _want_ to interact with. They do exist.

To the OP: I suppose it depends in part what you mean by confidence. For example, if someone is constantly down on themselves, always looking for reassurance, but refuses to accept any compliments or comfort offered, then you could see how that could be frustrating. But as far as simply *having* insecurities, I personally don't see anything wrong with that. If anything I find it comforting to know the other person is as human as I am.

As far as friendship goes, a guy has to really treat me like s*** for me to abandon his friendship. That's happened two or three times in the past, where a guy would say they wanted to be my friend, then make increasing demands on my time, question me every time I was busy at a certain time, try to change both small and fundamental things about me... you get the idea. I suppose those could be considered signs of insecurity, but it's only when they start to harm other people that they become a problem, imo.


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## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.





meeps said:


> lol! yep





ManOfFewWords said:


>


I've heard numerous women admit to being obsessed with confidence. Not just on this forum, but in real life and in numerous other forums.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

Jason 1 said:


> I've heard numerous women admit to being obsessed with confidence. Not just on this forum, but in real life and in numerous other forums.


Yep. It's everywhere, and it's unavoidable. There's a bit of a reality distortion field around SAS when it comes to this topic, for some reason. The greatest irony is that, as you alluded to, the women of SAS often will collectively suggest a certain notion about their sense of attraction -- even outright state it in other threads -- but then when a thread or post specifically hones in on it or brings it up for discussion, it's an outrage.


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## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

anomalous said:


> Yep. It's everywhere, and it's unavoidable. There's a bit of a reality distortion field around SAS when it comes to this topic, for some reason. The greatest irony is that, as you alluded to, the women of SAS often will collectively suggest a certain notion about their sense of attraction -- *even outright state it in other threads -- but then when a thread or post specifically hones in on it or brings it up for discussion, it's an outrage.*


Yes. This is soooo true. People constantly suggest confidence as panacea. The ultimate cure to all relationship difficulties.... but then many of them will deny it later on because they want to seem more well-rounded.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


I love you.


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## nautilus (Aug 21, 2012)

anomalous said:


> Yep. It's everywhere, and it's unavoidable. There's a bit of a reality distortion field around SAS when it comes to this topic, for some reason. The greatest irony is that, as you alluded to, the women of SAS often will collectively suggest a certain notion about their sense of attraction -- even outright state it in other threads -- but then when a thread or post specifically hones in on it or brings it up for discussion, it's an outrage.


I think it has to do with _how_ the question is posed. If it's stated as "all women", then yes, we females will likely be outraged. Especially if we're made to sound like we're animals who can't control our own actions, even when we're conscious of our own psychological tendencies  I don't think the way the OP stated it was particularly outrageous, though. He did say "most women", and while I don't know how accurate that is, I don't care to quibble over percentages. Also, some of us are more sensitive about the way things are stated than others; probably because we see a lot of stereotypes, so after a while everything starts to look like a stereotype, even when it's just an honest, innocent question.

I actually think the question of why some women (and some males) are obsessed with confidence is an interesting one. I don't think I can answer it in much depth myself; maybe someone else on here with more personal experience on the matter can.

The only observations I have about myself and how a guy's confidence affects me: I tend to be intimidated by super confident guys, especially guys who are very socially "ept" and have a lot of girls interested in them. This is an insecurity on my part; while I've managed to look past this on occasion, I am indeed less likely to approach these guys and I often try to avoid getting attached to them in the first place. I also don't like asking a guy I like for help (on understanding the homework or whatever), even though this is usually the first thing my friends suggest I do to show interest in a guy. While I would never fake ignorance, I realize it's rather silly to try to hide the fact when I really don't get the hw and could use the help. Don't know if that helps answer the original question at all. I certainly am not happy with these insecurities of mine, but it's one of those things I'm working on.

Here's another related question to think about: _why_ is it important that some women are obsessed with confidence? If those are the women you want to date, then the question should be how to be more confident and show it. If, instead, the goal is to _not_ deal with these women and their confidence obsessions, then the question should be how to find and attract women who _aren't_ obsessed with confidence. Right?


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

nautilus said:


> I think it has to do with _how_ the question is posed. If it's stated as "all women", then yes, we females will likely be outraged. Especially if we're made to sound like we're animals who can't control our own actions, even when we're conscious of our own psychological tendencies  I don't think the way the OP stated it was particularly outrageous, though. He did say "most women", and while I don't know how accurate that is, I don't care to quibble over percentages. Also, some of us are more sensitive about the way things are stated than others; probably because we see a lot of stereotypes, so after a while everything starts to look like a stereotype, even when it's just an honest, innocent question.
> 
> I actually think the question of why some women (and some males) are obsessed with confidence is an interesting one. I don't think I can answer it in much depth myself; maybe someone else on here with more personal experience on the matter can.
> 
> The only observations I have about myself and how a guy's confidence affects me: I tend to be intimidated by super confident guys, especially guys who are very socially "ept" and have a lot of girls interested in them. This is an insecurity on my part; while I've managed to look past this on occasion, I am indeed less likely to approach these guys and I often try to avoid getting attached to them in the first place. I also don't like asking a guy I like for help (on understanding the homework or whatever), even though this is usually the first thing my friends suggest I do to show interest in a guy. While I would never fake ignorance, I realize it's rather silly to try to hide the fact when I really don't get the hw and could use the help. Don't know if that helps answer the original question at all. I certainly am not happy with these insecurities of mine, but it's one of those things I'm working on.


You have a very reasonable and balanced perspective, and I can't find much to argue with here. I will say that in your last paragraph, the way you describe your reaction to confidence seems at odds with the vast, vast majority of girls our age I encounter in everyday life. Furthermore, even on SAS, most girls who post on this topic have a more favorable view of confidence than yours (i.e., explicitly preferring it over lukewarm confidence or lacking confidence). I believe you; I just think you're in a very clear minority. Which brings me to...



> Here's another related question to think about: _why_ is it important that some women are obsessed with confidence? If those are the women you want to date, then the question should be how to be more confident and show it. If, instead, the goal is to _not_ deal with these women and their confidence obsessions, then the question should be how to find and attract women who _aren't_ obsessed with confidence. Right?


This question makes me laugh. Not because it's stupid; quite the opposite. It's exactly the kind of thing that used to go through my head all the time before I gave up completely. That you would even raise it further suggests to me that, again, you're in a very small minority among young women.

I've gotten to the point where practically all I'd even want in a woman is for her not to be attracted to confidence. It's just a practical reality that this appears nearly impossible to find. I'm not trying to stir up the pot with generalizations or get the thread closed; that's *really my experience* (and obviously the experience of lots of other men on SAS). Most girls on here just tell us we need to work on our confidence and "overcoming" SA (read: overcome being introverted, reserved, safe, non-assertive and non-spontaneous, which is really just a benign personality trait they happen to find unattractive). It's actually very refreshing to see one telling us that it's okay, and that we should look for women who don't care, rather than implicitly "admitting" such is impossible.

Anyway, to answer your question more directly: in my eyes, it's only important that "some" women are "obsessed" with confidence because the "some" is really > 90%. If my experience and observations led me to believe that even 15-20% of women don't mind guys with lacking confidence, I wouldn't be that worried about it. As it is, it's such a small number that it takes a ton of luck and effort to find one... and once you do, what are the odds all the other important pieces will fall into place, too?


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## whattothink (Jun 2, 2005)

OP, it's all instinctual. Confidence breeds power.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

It's wired into their genetics as well as the genetics of the male. Over thousands of years of subsistence survival in patriarchal societies, the female of the species is drawn towards someone who has proven that he is can provide for her and her offspring. The male who demonstrates this and shows confidence in his abilities, is more likely to get a mate. After millenia, this is not going to change in a hundred years or so of relative equality. Likewise, a male who lacks confidence will be envious of one who has it.

Just remember that simply because a man appears confident on the outside, it does not mean that he isn't a quivering bowl of jelly when no one can see.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

Confidence is attractive because being around someone who is unsure of their own abilities gets tiresome after awhile, and starts to drag that person down (who wants to do the work for two people?). I'd think most people would want a SO who can be relied upon to make decisions when the other is not in a position to do so. Also, I don't think it's _just_ women who find confidence attractive, I think it's both sexes.

Edit: What Amocholes also said.


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## Rich19 (Aug 11, 2012)

Jason 1 said:


> Why are most girls obsessed with confidence?
> 
> Also, does this obsession also related to friendship? Like, would you abandon a guy friend if you later discovered he was unconfident?


Lol well this was a thread was always going to trigger a gender war.

Firs to of i'm leaning more towards the girls point of view that the question is unfair:
1.Confidence links into so many other attractive traits such as humour and charm so ofcourse it's gng be important as it forms the base of som many other traits.
2.Saying obsessed is going to far. Most girls would not date a guy who was confident but also beat them or was confident but also a drug dealer.

Althogh I do understand why sa guys feel this way. Most of us have been in a situation where we meet a girl we like. We're kind, generous, respectful and generally put a lot of effort into a possible relationship just to have some d*** head with swag swoop in and she falls head over heels for him.


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## ripsta99 (Jun 19, 2011)

so if girls are obsessed with confidence does that mean if a guy doesnt have any that she couldn't possibly like him? like for his personality?


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## BobbyByThePound (Apr 4, 2012)

All those people you think of as "strong" are not strong as they appear. We are all fundamentally weak and insecure. In many situations, a woman feels more secure by attaching herself to a man she thinks is "strong." A man will reassure himself of his own strength by having a woman who will validate his strength.


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## Aussiery (Sep 17, 2012)

Women are not obessed with confidence just money.


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## BobbyByThePound (Apr 4, 2012)

Aussiery said:


> Women are not obessed with confidence just money.


Money conveys status, strength, power...... Confidence conveys those same things....

That is a really misogynistic thing to say by the way. And it sounds like something someone would say if they were broke and wanted to validate their feeling that it is impossible to find a female partner by deciding that all women are gold diggers who are only attracted to men with money.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Confidence in something exhibits a skill. Having skills is sexy.


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## Garretoo (Jan 19, 2011)

We need some statistics up in here.


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## Ivan AG (Sep 29, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> Confidence in something exhibits a skill. Having skills is sexy.


That's what she said.

These jokes practically make themselves.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

The biggest myth about unconfident people is that they whine all the time about being too ugly/stupid/inapt/etc.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

ripsta99 said:


> so if girls are obsessed with confidence does that mean if a guy doesnt have any that she couldn't possibly like him? like for his personality?


To me, a lack of confidence is okay as long as the guy doesn't need constant validation on everything, and/or is willing to put forth the effort to try to get some.


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

lol we are not.


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## Aussiery (Sep 17, 2012)

BobbyByThePound said:


> Money conveys status, strength, power...... Confidence conveys those same things....
> 
> That is a really misogynistic thing to say by the way. And it sounds like something someone would say if they were broke and wanted to validate their feeling that it is impossible to find a female partner by deciding that all women are gold diggers who are only attracted to men with money.


You will learn BOY


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## arpeggiator (Jan 6, 2011)

TPower said:


> The biggest myth about unconfident people is that they whine all the time about being too ugly/stupid/inapt/etc.


Exactly, the last thing I want is letting people know about my flaws.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

Because when someone has confidence, they give the impression that they know what they are doing. When you are with someone who knows what they are doing, it takes away your doubt

Women have less fear around guys who are confident, less doubt. Usually their heads are filled with doubts, anyone who reduces doubts is therefore very attractive


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

Honestly, I think confidence is the most overused word on this site.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

TryingMara said:


> Honestly, I think confidence is the most overused word on this site.


is it not the opposite of doubt which leads to anxiety?

I would think that considering the nature of the site, its right in line


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

Zeeshan said:


> is it not the opposite of doubt which leads to anxiety?
> 
> I would think that considering the nature of the site, its right in line


It just seems as if that's everyone's answer to every issue and problem discussed on the boards. And when women express their opinions of confidence not being of the upmost importance, their answers are often brushed to the side.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

TryingMara said:


> And when women express their opinions of confidence not being of the upmost importance, their answers are often brushed to the side.


yeah, it's annoying.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Women aren't obsessed with confidence. They don't think about it every five seconds. But they sure as hell respond to it. And why wouldn't they? When a guy can take control and knows what he's doing, it makes girls swoon (among other things). That's just how it is, get used to it.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

TryingMara said:


> It just seems as if that's everyone's answer to every issue and problem discussed on the boards. And when women express their opinions of confidence not being of the upmost importance, their answers are often brushed to the side.


They all love confidence. Not just women, people


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

rymo said:


> Women aren't obsessed with confidence. They don't think about it every five seconds. But they sure as hell respond to it. And why wouldn't they? When a guy can take control and knows what he's doing, it makes girls swoon (among other things). That's just how it is, get used to it.


exactly. Its like money, they arent obssessed with it, but when they find out a guy has money, their interest skyrockets


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

rymo said:


> Women aren't obsessed with confidence. They don't think about it every five seconds. But they sure as hell respond to it. And why wouldn't they? When a guy can take control and knows what he's doing, it makes girls swoon (among other things). That's just how it is, get used to it.


I think people in general respond to confidence, and the traits that tend to go with it.



nautilus said:


> To the OP: I suppose it depends in part what you mean by confidence. For example, if someone is constantly down on themselves, always looking for reassurance, but refuses to accept any compliments or comfort offered, then you could see how that could be frustrating. But as far as simply *having* insecurities, I personally don't see anything wrong with that. If anything I find it comforting to know the other person is as human as I am.


Well said. It's seems like it'd be really selfish and weird and callous and unnecessary to expect someone to be strong at all times. what kind of person would ask that of anyone?


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## silicone93 (Jul 19, 2012)

Confidence is only a starter - it shows that you are self fulfilling - you know what you're doing, and what's more assuring - someone who make people think that they know what they're doing, or someone not conveying the same?

That said, before I had a mental collapse, I was "confident" - I knew my abilities and my limits, and I always manipulated things to my advantage. I play the game, the game doesn't play me. I'm a very strategic and methodical person, and I'm quite resourceful - I use myself to my advantage. 

I prepare myself well for things, I look like I "understand" situations but really, I'm constantly analysing and adapting to things.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Its all about value.

If someone confident is interested in you, you feel like you have some worth.

If someone attractive is interested in you, you feel like you may have an equal level of attractiveness.


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## sorrwel (May 20, 2012)

Zeeshan said:


> exactly. Its like money, they arent obssessed with it, but when they find out a guy has money, their interest skyrockets


Lol not true for all women. I've never felt more interested in someone because he was filthy rich, and neither has any girl I know. I don't get why a lot of men think money is so important for women in today's world, it's social status and confidence that most of them respond to.


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## Jason 1 (Jul 26, 2012)

TPower said:


> The biggest myth about unconfident people is that they whine all the time about being too ugly/stupid/inapt/etc.


I agree. I'm considered unconfident; however, I complain less than almost everybody I work with.

Honestly, I find most ultra confident people to be annoying. They constantly brag and talk about how amazing they think they are. They say they're the smartest, strongest, coolest people on the planet.... BUT they're not. Often, I'm smarter, stronger, faster, and more benevolent than people who spend their life going around bragging about how amazing they think they are.

They also spend way to much time talking sh!t about other people. Ultra confident people tend to be arrogant. They think they're better than everyone else. Plus, they almost always put their own need above the needs of others.... and they show little empathy or sympathy....and they rarely admit mistakes.

One of my favorite things to do is punk ultra confident people. Like OK, you think you're tougher than me because you yell and talk sh!t all the time, but I'm quiet ... Me: "wanna fight?"... loudmouth confident guy: "Naw man. I was just joking around man. come on. relax dude"

Or embarrassing them by asking why they think it's so cool to manipulate women for sex? or Why they're bragging about something they should be ashamed of? or Why the hell they're referring to women as b!tches? Didn't you mamma ever teach you any manners.

I don't care if people think I'm unconfident. If I ever get in a relationship, I'm going to ask her opinion, I'm going to want to spent LOTS of time with her, I'm going to be polite/respectful, I'm going to value her opinion, I'm going to smile and hug her ever time I see her, I'm going express my feelings, I'm not going to spend a lot of time hanging out with guys, I'm not going to yell, I'm going to help her with "girl" choirs, I'm going to ask for her input before making a decision that affects both of us, I'm going to love her and tell her I love her all the time....

Ooh and don't let me forget the dreaded pedestal effect... Ooh yea, that's right, I said it. I'm even going to put my girl on a pedestal because YES, she IS more important than random people. I'll never be a doormat, but I sure as hell ain't gonna treat her like she's some random person. She IS special, She IS MY girlfriend and I love her.

If women think this makes me clingy or unconfident.. Ooh well. I'd rather be alone than change my personality just to meet some stupid societal standard.

Ooh yea. Someone was asking about whether or not guys are obsessed with confident girls? Well some guys might be, but this guy definitely is NOT. The only thing I really care about are whether or not she has a benevolent/adorable personality and healthy appearance. If she's insecure, I won't abandon her. On the contrary, I will help her, support her, encourage her, protect her, and love her unconditionally.


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## DubnRun (Oct 29, 2011)

they are indeed obsessed with confidence. Thats why alot of women put up with their own guy beating them up. Its ****ing pathetic. I see so many girls here like this, they'd rather someone that beats the **** out of them and be confident rather than a nice guy.


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## Wurli (Sep 15, 2012)

komorikun said:


> Women are not obsessed with confidence. The guys on this forum are.


Genius! +1.

But I will say this, I think confidence is an attractive quality for BOTH sexes. Think about it, are men more likely to be interested in a woman who is outgoing and talkative or a girl who is neither one of those things? Its exactly the same as it is for men.


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## Durzo (Jun 4, 2011)

I disagree that it is confidence.... I think its more likely social status. It has been proven countless times that some types of women find social status an awe inspiring factor in attraction. The reasons seem stupid to me, but hell I couldn't give a **** what they are attracted to.

Also, confidence is an attractive quality to both sexes. If you doubt this to be true, a guy who has a believable story that significantly increases his social status over others around him will have women flocking around him, whereas if he didn't have such a story it would most likely be a different scenario where he has to make all the effort in pursuing the girl....

You could describe my views going off generalisations, but generalisations are around for a reason. Of course some women won't find confidence or social status particularly attractive, but the majority out there would (maybe 2/3 as a rough guess).


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I don't really care about confidence or social status. Money is always good though.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I don't really care about confidence or social status. Money is always good though.


The factors compound is each other, and the sum is greater then its part

for example

Money adds confidence, confidence adds money, great body adds confidence, confidence adds money, all of the factors below are cumulative in the presence of each other

Height
Money
Great Body
Confidence
Humor
Great career

 all of the above factors positive correlate with each other

So its not just that women love confidence, is that a confident guys i more likely to be physically attractive, have money and career, great sense of humor, highly social with a great body

Cumulative effects


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## nautilus (Aug 21, 2012)

anomalous said:


> I've gotten to the point where practically all I'd even want in a woman is for her not to be attracted to confidence. It's just a practical reality that this appears nearly impossible to find. I'm not trying to stir up the pot with generalizations or get the thread closed; that's *really my experience* (and obviously the experience of lots of other men on SAS). Most girls on here just tell us we need to work on our confidence and "overcoming" SA (read: overcome being introverted, reserved, safe, non-assertive and non-spontaneous, which is really just a benign personality trait they happen to find unattractive). It's actually very refreshing to see one telling us that it's okay, and that we should look for women who don't care, rather than implicitly "admitting" such is impossible.


One more thing I'd like to add about "confidence" (after thinking about it and reading people's views): It makes _communication_ a heck of a lot easier. Consider that for a lot of people, confidence may just be attractive because it helps to get things started. I happen to know and hear of a _lot_ of women who find confidence attractive at first, then find out who the guy really is and regret getting involved. Doesn't mean they like people who treat them badly, just that they perceived it as a more likely to go somewhere with someone who was taking initiative. (Not sure if this is a good or bad thing.)

The times I liked super shy, socially awkward guys, I in some ways felt like I had even less of a chance of forming a relationship with them. Not because of who either of us were; I might think he was perfect for me and think that for quite a long time. It still makes it incredibly difficult to tell the difference between them not wanting to talk to me or just being nervous.

More "confident" seeming, outgoing guys, on the other hand, would on rare occasions show some brief interest in me. If it was someone I liked, it would seem more plausible that something might come of the interactions (at least initially) because they wouldn't be afraid to do things to show interest. Although, inevitably, lack of communication on my part would cause them to loose interest. That's partly why I'm trying to build up my own confidence; for the practical reasons. But no matter how much I build up my confidence, it will never be 100%, and that's true of all humans. Basically, in the short run, practicality matters quite a bit, whereas in the long run, values start to hold more and more weight.



anomalous said:


> Anyway, to answer your question more directly: in my eyes, it's only important that "some" women are "obsessed" with confidence because the "some" is really > 90%. If my experience and observations led me to believe that even 15-20% of women don't mind guys with lacking confidence, I wouldn't be that worried about it. As it is, it's such a small number that it takes a ton of luck and effort to find one... and once you do, what are the odds all the other important pieces will fall into place, too?


Hmm, I think about that same difficulty often too. I want someone who can accept me for who I am and who I won't feel afraid to show my insecurities around. Honestly, I feel like the number of guys who would have enough patience and acceptance to be with me must be a tiny percentage of the population. Nevertheless, that's what I'm looking for. Sometimes I think that maybe a person like that, who I will also have a connection with, is incredibly difficult, maybe impossible to find. But I'd rather keep looking for them (and maybe never find them) rather than accept they don't exist and constantly have to hide who I am from someone who I could get more "easily".



Jason 1 said:


> If women think this makes me clingy or unconfident.. Ooh well. I'd rather be alone than change my personality just to meet some stupid societal standard.
> 
> Ooh yea. Someone was asking about whether or not guys are obsessed with confident girls? Well some guys might be, but this guy definitely is NOT. The only thing I really care about are whether or not she has a benevolent/adorable personality and healthy appearance. If she's insecure, I won't abandon her. On the contrary, I will help her, support her, encourage her, protect her, and love her unconditionally.


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## evginmubutu (Sep 12, 2011)

Trying to figure out 'why' you are attracted to someone is like trying to figure out 'why' you don't like seafood. There is not a reason, it is or it isn't. 

You can apply this yourself. I think Natalie Portman is downright sexy, but I don't know a thing about her, and I don't have a list of reasons why I like her. It's not as if she fills some requirement of sexiness, I just think she's sexy and I want to make babies with her. 

One more thought: Telling yourself that you are confident is a lot different from a real belief in your abilities (to all the guys) (and girls I guess)


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## Rainbowmuffin (Sep 15, 2011)

Jason 1 said:


> Why are most girls obsessed with confidence?
> 
> Also, does this obsession also related to friendship? Like, would you abandon a guy friend if you later discovered he was unconfident?


The same can be said of most men, many fellas are only interested in confident women not shy girls, I know from experience. The thing is just because you are under confident (whether you're a man or a women) it does not mean you are less of a person or that you are boring etc and not worth getting to know. If people don't bother to make an effort to know you and snub you on the spot just because you are shy/less confident then the shy person is never going to gradually gain confidence because they feel constant rejection. It just makes it worse. Sad really because there are lots of really nice interesting people out there who are rather underconfident but get overlooked, if people were more patient and gave them a chance they'd come out of their shell more, no one is going to magically gain confidence overnight. Many confident people aren't just confident but cocky and loud mouthed, which personally I find a complete turn off.


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## Visionary (Apr 13, 2010)

I'm not obsessed with confidence, I just dislike a guy with a "big" ego.


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## Lonelygirl1986 (Sep 4, 2012)

i don't like confidence


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Women are "obsessesed" (attracted) with money, status, confidence, etc. because these are the necessities to a fulfilling life. It's our job to provide, men. It's just that simple.


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## mdiada (Jun 18, 2012)

TPower said:


> They are obsessed by status much more than confidence.
> 
> Confidence is a minor factor in attraction. When women say they are attracted to 'confidence' they mean they are attracted to social standing. A confident quiet guy has no visible advantage in dating.
> 
> ...


not true for me. confidence is more important than social standing. i prefer a guy who is totally ok with himself, his world, and has the confidence to do what he sets his mind to, regardless of what others think of him. i don't mean cocky, that's something different.


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## evginmubutu (Sep 12, 2011)

People with low self esteem are attracted to people with high self esteem, you can draw whatever conclusions you want from that


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

evginmubutu said:


> *People with low self esteem are attracted to people with high self esteem*, you can draw whatever conclusions you want from that


If you look beneath these so called women "obsessed" with confidence, you'll find a fu#ked up little girl inside, at least that's what I got from this... then again I'm a misogynist.

:yes


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## Evolution (Sep 8, 2012)

Women are attracted to Alpha Males. Alpha Males by definition have confidence.


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## falling down (Oct 17, 2011)

Evolution said:


> Women are attracted to *Alpha Males. Alpha Males* by definition have confidence.


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## Ivan AG (Sep 29, 2010)

Evolution said:


> Women are attracted to Alpha Males. Alpha Males by definition have confidence.


What kind of Alpha Males?

Alpha + or Alpha -?


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

ITT envious virgins


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## mario8 (Oct 7, 2012)

Women (as well as people in general) often prefer shifting their interests onto someone that implies that they can provide a sense of security (among other things). Confidence, self compositions, social structure, income, and maturity, are just a few of the things that women look for. I`m talking about women btw - not girls. There`s a difference. 

And in case your wondering, yes, men do this as well. For example: try to imagine hooking up with a girl that has low self confidence. While in some case that can in fact make her seem adorable (her being so fragile - is like a Super kawwaii bonanza!!!), but a person that has little self confidence is also someone that`s hard to rely one. Low self confidence can cause a person to do many thing. They can cheat. They can get themselves into trouble. They can even just up and leave you for the dumbest of reasons. All because they feel insecure.

I`m not saying that your entirely wrong, being as women as prone to being sexually subjugated their entire life by the mainstream media, and us guys are always being shown are their providers. This brainwashing works both ways of course (girls growing up being offered dick 24\7 - men growing up watching porn. The connection is obvious). But, in general, I think that different people have different standards.


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## evginmubutu (Sep 12, 2011)

I think this idea that 'girls want confidence' is kind of misguided. Girls just aren't attracted to someone who has the same doubts and fears as them and it works in the reverse as well.


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## bobby. (Mar 29, 2011)

In my experience girls are not attracted to confidence in general, but to _social_ confidence, which I think serves as a proxy for social status.

In this respect, humans are just like every other species of primate.


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

This is like asking why people are attracted to strength. We are social beings


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

I think you can have different types of confidence. Someone who is confident in what they do, their knowledge etc I find attractive. 

I don't consider social confidence attractive or unattractive and I dislike things like drinking parties etc that socialites tend to do. Someone being socially confident emphasizes their personality more, but it does not make it better. They talk more, and so reveal more, so you know more about them. If you are really shy, you don't reveal much and so do not give others much chance to know and therefore like you.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

It's an entertainment thing. Having a confident, talkative, outgoing guy is a way for them to be amused and fuel their narcissistic, self important tendencies. As well as a screaner for undesirable traits. Morality and traditional virtues being obsolete and mens traditional strenghs and roles broken down by feminazism.


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## niacin (May 26, 2012)

low said:


> It's an entertainment thing. Having a confident, talkative, outgoing guy is a way for them to be amused and fuel their narcissistic, self important tendencies. As well as a screaner for undesirable traits. Morality and traditional virtues being obsolete and mens traditional strenghs and roles broken down by feminazism.


Everybody has narcissistic tendencies. Some introverts like other introverts because they can relate to them. Personally, I also love outgoing and confident nice guys too. I don't see what's wrong with that.

What do you consider to be "traditional virtues"?


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

You can have SA and still project an aura of confidence. Some women find the strong silent type to be very sexy.


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

low said:


> It's an entertainment thing. Having a confident, talkative, outgoing guy is a way for them to be amused and fuel their narcissistic, self important tendencies. As well as a screaner for undesirable traits. Morality and traditional virtues being obsolete and mens traditional strenghs and roles broken down by feminazism.


I too am opposed to feminism, but responding positively to confidence is not a female trait. I like confident women, who doesnt like someone who is self assured? Is that narcisism?

Lets say someone tried to sell you a product but seemed really unsure about it, approached you with their head down, or didnt approach you at all. You would never be interested in buying the product, see?

Its only natural for tradition to become obselete to an extent. Tradition is always vaguely present, but subsumed in tradition is transition. **** changes: we dont believe in Sun gods anymore and women work now.


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## Cletis (Oct 10, 2011)

I think it goes back to the ol' males are supposed to be the provider/protector thing. Women naturally are attracted to a man that they feel can provide for them and, yes, protect them, if need be. It's a biological thing more than a societal thing, in my opinion. The confident, strong, aggressive males have always attracted more females.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

niacin said:


> What do you consider to be "traditional virtues"?


In past times it was things like being hard working not so much what you do or how much you make. Manners, courtesy, polite etiquette were valued whilst now it seems it's how much 'banter' a person has and how extraverted they are. Even though they might be a complete *** and talk crap. Reserve is seen as being stuck up, whilst many impulsive, irrational attributes tend to be encouraged. People don't seem to be able to tell the difference between being nice and being good generally either.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

87wayz said:


> I too am opposed to feminism, but responding positively to confidence is not a female trait. I like confident women, who doesnt like someone who is self assured? Is that narcisism?


No but many of the past days positive traits have been stripped away now or aren't valued. Nothing wrong with confidence in itself but extraversion is over-valued and that confidence/self assuredness too often now spills out into full blown narcissism.



87wayz said:


> Lets say someone tried to sell you a product but seemed really unsure about it, approached you with their head down, or didnt approach you at all. You would never be interested in buying the product, see?


You need to be careful to not get duped based on niceness. There's plenty of nice people out there but they aren't necessarily good persons. I do see. I'm actually very conscious of that type of thing and honestly I would rather buy or not based solely on the product.

I'd also rather _not_ buy from an aggressive...or not even aggressive, full of himself, overselling, not giving a straight answer, higher tariff pushing, totally false personality salesman.

I don't see how it's fair that the smiley, outgoing, talkative guy who is sometimes a bit late and never stops behind and does the job but kind of slacks a bit is more valued as an employee than the somewhat reserved, straight faced, but nice enough, always on time and stays behind, works hard, doesn't stand round and talk guy... and the more 'friendly' guy gets kept on after the holiday season. It's happened to me.


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

low said:


> No but many of the past days positive traits have been stripped away now or aren't valued. Nothing wrong with confidence in itself but extraversion is over-valued and that confidence/self assuredness too often now spills out into full blown narcissism.
> 
> You need to be careful to not get duped based on niceness. There's plenty of nice people out there but they aren't necessarily good persons. I do see. I'm actually very conscious of that type of thing and honestly I would rather buy or not based solely on the product.
> 
> ...


Well... I think you're just off base because you're talking about a certain kind of extroversion - the sociopath.

Extroverted people arent neccesarily the devil just by token of their extroversion - thats where you spin out of control. I mean, Im sure you are familiar with the antisocial typecast - where the queit guy is some lurking serial killer. Or the nice guy who just wants to help you bring in your groceries (Ted Bundy). So thats a two way street and youve just gone to the dead end of it.

My wife is extroverted and Im the cold one.

When you talk people can say that they know you - people always want to demystify the unknown. Its the purpose of science, its the purpose of socializing, its the reflex of humanity to want to know. Being queit ****s that up

Going back to my analogy - you dont need to be a morally good person to sell something.

You keep jumping to the worst , most extreme examples and thenyou generalize based on that. Not a good way to generalize


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## niacin (May 26, 2012)

low said:


> In past times it was things like being hard working not so much what you do or how much you make. Manners, courtesy, polite etiquette were valued whilst now it seems it's how much 'banter' a person has and how extraverted they are. Even though they might be a complete *** and talk crap. Reserve is seen as being stuck up, whilst many impulsive, irrational attributes tend to be encouraged. People don't seem to be able to tell the difference between being nice and being good generally either.


As far as I know, most people still value strong work ethic and drive.

You pointed out that before feminism, that salary wasn't as important. That is very untrue. If anything, a post-modern/post-feminism society has taken some of the career pressure off of men because women are encouraged and expected to make their own living. In the 50's most women would have chosen a wealthy doctor over a blue collar worker any day. It's not rational today, but back then it was because women depended on their husbands for security and income.

Polite banter has always been a part of society. It's what makes it "civilized" according to men with fancy mustaches and monocles. Read any Jane Austen novel. You will suffocate on all of the small talk and niceties.

Manners are still valued by respectable people, although I will give you that one for the most part. Look at reality tv and how a lot of adults act. It's disgusting. I can't really see how it had anything to do with first wave feminism, though.

Things like manners and etiquette do seem to be rare, but you can't depend on those things alone. Would you go out with a 300 lb woman on welfare who smelled like spoiled milk just because she was polite? (not trying to insult anybody who fits that description). There are other factors to attraction that are universal like sense of humor, intelligence, and looks.

*I apologize to you all for any typos. I'm really tired.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

87wayz said:


> Well... I think you're just off base because you're talking about a certain kind of extroversion - the sociopath


And if more people on average become sociopathic and narcissistic on average across society it is a problem.



87wayz said:


> Extroverted people arent neccesarily the devil just by token of their extroversion - thats where you spin out of control. I mean, Im sure you are familiar with the antisocial typecast - where the queit guy is some lurking serial killer. Or the nice guy who just wants to help you bring in your groceries (Ted Bundy). So thats a two way street and youve just gone to the dead end of it.


That's true and I acknowledge that. I don't have problem with that so I don't think I turned into that street.

When you talk people can say that they know you - people always want to demystify the unknown. Its the purpose of science, its the purpose of socializing, its the reflex of humanity to want to know. Being queit ****s that up



87wayz said:


> Going back to my analogy - you dont need to be a morally good person to sell something.


I think you miss my major point. People confuse niceness with being a good person. They place more trust in them, are more likely to buy from them when it's nothing inherently morality linked.

It's how people open themselves up to being conned or how people start relationships and sleep with their partners then go off them when they realise what an arse they are. People get hypnotised. Yes, I'm being anecdotal here.



87wayz said:


> You keep jumping to the worst , most extreme examples and thenyou generalize based on that. Not a good way to generalize


Well I don't think I was actually. Employers hugely value 'openness' , 'smiling' , 'friendliness' - extravert traits and take a judgement on the ability to do your job from that (which granted may apply in some cases) but it matters very little if you are stacking shelves, or labouring, or working in a lab. Women judge men on it. There've been entire threads on it and that's a debatable issue so I'll leave it there.


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## Mongoose (Oct 26, 2012)

Women just say they want a guy with "confidence" because it isn't PC for them to say what they really want. Try being 34, a virgin, and living with your parents. Confidence will get you nowhere.


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## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

low said:


> And if more people on average become sociopathic and narcissistic on average across society it is a problem.
> 
> That's true and I acknowledge that. I don't have problem with that so I don't think I turned into that street.
> 
> ...


Well, expect employers to be human. Networking and that human factor are important - I thought thats why we were on SAS. Its not that the world should change for us, we should get better suited for the world


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

I'm guessing you just lost out on a girl to some guy with a bit of confidence, "obsessed" is huge exaggeration.

Why would confidence be unattractive? Being around people with confidence is usually more fun than being around someone miserable and down on themselves, it also rubs off on you. 

people like to feel good, so we surround ourselves with things and people that make us feel good, this isn't gender specific or rocket science.


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