# Are looks really that big of a deal when it comes to attraction?



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

I think we would make a decent match. We're both funny and weird. He's hilarious. I would be a happy woman with him.

...........BUT we're going to have a few issues, if I do decide to date him...
First of all, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but he's kinda chubby.
I'm not necessarily attracted to him..if he lost a little weight, he'd be a hot cutie, but he's a bit on the fatty side at the moment.

So....is this really going to be that big of a deal if we get together? I LOVE his personality, seriously. He's one of the coolest dudes I've ever met. But he's big boned and chubby, I think he would crush me.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

When I was in middle school, everyone made fun of me because I dated a big boned guy. I didn't care what they thought about it. I decided to give him a chance anyway.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Sadly, looks do matter to some extent.

There are women out there who I would be really great matches for, I'm sure. They are intelligent, they have great senses of humor, they have geeky sides. I even knew a girl like this, once.

The problem is that they are *massively obese. *Not just _slightly_, but massively. My mom is overweight, so you'd think I'd be kind in regards to this. And in many ways, I am...but it would be like dating my mom, and I'm sorry, but that's kind of icky.

I just can't date someone with that type of body without thinking I'm having an incestuous relationship with my mom. And, to be honest, I am generally attracted to skinny girls, so I understand where you're coming from.


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## Glambada (Sep 12, 2012)

Kathykook said:


> I think we would make a decent match. We're both funny and weird. He's hilarious. I would be a happy woman with him.
> 
> ...........BUT we're going to have a few issues, if I do decide to date him...
> First of all, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but he's kinda chubby.
> ...


Omg! Lol!
I used to be in this same situation. I stopped talking to him because he had a lot of mental issues that I won't mention (for fear of offending someone). Plus he was gorgeous....I mean REALLY cute...

Just work your way up to being in a relationship, suggest hang out spots like walking in the park and eat out at health places. Try to be change his habits but be really subtle about it. If he would be a hottie without the weight, he seems like a catch. 
Some guys you have to work with, just as he has to work with you because of SA.


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## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

Seriously, he and I would be perfect together. It just seems....weird....I dunno. 
He has the type of personality that I've always been drawn to for most of my life: loud, extroverted, hilarious, and doesn't give a **** what people think.
At the same time, it's gonna be hard for me to tame him to make him the man I know he can be. Not sure how to go about doing it.


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## Propaganda (Oct 26, 2010)

Depends on the type of attraction.

For me there are three basic attractions: body, mind, and spirit.

Body is looks, smells, sexual compatibility, style (clothing), cleanliness, etc. This is where looks and body type come into play. There are a few body types that turn me on while most others I am indifferent too. Certain physical features boil my passion and my actions become driven by mad lust; a fun ride.

Mind is an intellectual attraction where her and I can share profound introspective insights about ourselves, others, and the world. This is where we can share knowledge, exchange ideas, and explore ideals. A vivaciously stimulating conversion sometimes gets the blood going which forms into a body type attraction.

Spirit is sharing excitement for experiences. A drinking buddy comes to mind. Someone I can share a drink with and have a good time free from the worries of daily life. A person on the same wavelength and that views the world with the same perspective and attitude. For me, this includes being a good person with compassion; someone who takes the time to help strangers without expectation of reward.


Considering this thread seems to be speaking of Body type attraction, yes, physical attraction is highly important. Considering the visual nature of the attraction, it's the first we view and inspect. Generally, and in most situations, if there a lack of physical attraction there may not be opportunities to explore the other forms of attraction.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Glambada said:


> Omg! Lol!
> I used to be in this same situation. *I stopped talking to him because he had a lot of mental issues that I won't mention *(for fear of offending someone). Plus he was gorgeous....I mean REALLY cute...


Go ahead, I want to know.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

You could try kissing him and see how it feels. If it's no good just forget about it.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

Make your dates centered around really long walks on the beach.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

In a different way, I would be willing to overlook a face, but not a body.

In other words, I would date someone skinny who wasn't beautiful, but I can't date someone who's obese and has a pretty face.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Exercise with him, eat well with him. 

He deserves someone who really adores him. If you aren't get, don't lead him on.


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

If you don't adore him now I'm not hopeful. Guys don't have to be 'perfect' to be hot. My current (former? might be getting over it I feel... optimistic right now lol) crush. I think he is so SUPER hot. You just sound too logical which makes me think maybe you wish it would work out but you are just not that into him? I know you can grow to have feelings for someone , but I wouldn't lead him on if you can't imagine kissing him or wanting to be in his arms... I'm thinking its a no and maybe you guys are just awesome friends?


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## SnowFlakesFire (Aug 23, 2012)

For me it is all about how he makes me feel inside. I have had good looking crushes which are nice to look but they leave me empty inside.

Less I care is what others are thinking about a person I love. It is about how HE makes ME feel.

It comes for what he is telling me and how he is treating me, not so much of looks.


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

It has been my experience that at 20 looks mattered a great deal. As I get older, I have found myself attracted to people that I wouldn't have looked at twice 20 years ago.


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## IlIlIlIrlpoloIlIlIlI (Feb 5, 2012)

i dunno i feel like girls that are my type know there my type or something, which makes sense you see each other as being a good couple


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## Wurli (Sep 15, 2012)

tea111red said:


> Make your dates centered around really long walks on the beach.


Agreed. Kill two birds with one stone.


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## Glambada (Sep 12, 2012)

TPower said:


> Go ahead, I want to know.


:no

No.


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## trendyfool (Apr 11, 2010)

What exactly are you worried about? Are you not attracted to him? If you're not, then you shouldn't date him. If you're just worried about what other people will think, then date him.


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## theseventhkey (Jul 22, 2012)

Kathykook said:


> ...........BUT we're going to have a few issues, if I do decide to date him...
> First of all, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but he's kinda chubby.
> I'm not necessarily attracted to him..if he lost a little weight, he'd be a hot cutie, but he's a bit on the fatty side at the moment. But he's big boned and chubby, I think he would crush me.


:haha


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## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

I think they are. The problem I had was perhaps not finding someone completely attractive, but giving them a chance because of their personality. Months down the line I would become really bored, would avoid sleeping with them, felt embarrassed/ashamed to be with them and the relationship would fail.

It needs the balance of things. If your attracted to them but their personality isnt great, the relationship will also fail. To give things the best possible chance of working you need to be attracted to them both physically and with their personality


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## Ape in space (May 31, 2010)

If he's great in every other way, you might want to go out with him a few times and then see if the fatness issue becomes less important in your mind, which happens sometimes. If it does, then you can keep dating him. And if you want to influence him to lose weight, you can do stuff like say you are going to the gym and stuff, and maybe even invite him to come with you, but make sure you do it very subtly so it doesn't seem like you're trying to make him lose weight. And you should only do this after you have already decided you want to date him, and the losing weight would just be something that would improve your relationship. You shouldn't make the relationship be contingent upon him losing weight. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date him because of a lack of physical attraction, but you should make that decision early on, like after a couple of dates, so that you don't lead him on and you don't disappoint yourself if he doesn't lose the weight.


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

yeah.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Absolutely. IMO, if you're not physically attracted to the person at all and you can't imagine being physically intimate with them in any way, it won't work.


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## Lemonstale (Mar 24, 2009)

It might not hurt to date him for the experience, especially if you don't have a lot of options. Just don't let him spend all of his money on you.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Lemonstale said:


> It might not hurt to date him for the experience, especially if you don't have a lot of options. Just don't let him spend all of his money on you.


That's fair. Also no lying about feelings if he asks.


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## Aussiery (Sep 17, 2012)

One day this guy will lose the weight and he will have girls all over him and you will want to be with him and he will say no chance you didnt like me when i was fat you have no chance now im hot.


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## Canucklehead (Aug 28, 2012)

Aussiery said:


> One day this guy will lose the weight and he will have girls all over him and you will want to be with him and he will say no chance you didnt like me when i was fat you have no chance now im hot.


The thing is, it'll probably take a rejection like this to push him in the direction of becoming a healthier person. She would be doing him a favour.

If she gets with him, what incentive does he have to lose weight if he already hasn't done so?


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Canucklehead said:


> The thing is, it'll probably take a rejection like this to push him in the direction of becoming a healthier person. She would be doing him a favour.
> 
> If she gets with him, what incentive does he have to lose weight if he already hasn't done so?


I understand what you mean, but there's a lot more incentive to losing weight than just looking good for a chick. There's also a chance rejection could make him worse, depending on his mindset.


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## squall78 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like a project in which you would better his life if you pushed him to lose weight, but you might lose him in the process. Not saying that'll happen, but there is a possibility. If you can handle that then go for it.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I was very overweight from the age of 20 until last year. When my weight got to over 250 pounds and I was taking 3 different blood pressure medicines I knew that I had to finally lose the weight. Now I weighh around 190 and I'm taking 1 drug instead of the 3. I had tried several times to lose the weight but I could never do it.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

Based on society's standards or what you feel is good looking? Cause beauty is in the eye of the beholder and lemme tell ya something. For some reason lately I've been attracted to what is considered average looking to my friends. I confide in them that I find so and so good looking and they're like:
"Really?... I don't find her attractive at all. " :sus

Like at work there's this new girl, she's "apparently" not as good looking as her close age coworkers, yet I find her stunning. There's something peculiar about her that I can't pinpoint. Maybe it's that unique dyed hair style of hers, or the shape of her body. They say she's a bit chubby, but I find her voluptuous. I don't know why? I don't even really know her anyways, I get too nervous around her and find reasons not to be there. She probably views me as a loser. 

Must get rid... of... emotions! :bash


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

ravens said:


> I was very overweight from the age of 20 until last year. When my weight got to over 250 pounds and I was taking 3 different blood pressure medicines I knew that I had to finally lose the weight. Now I weighh around 190 and I'm taking 1 drug instead of the 3. I had tried several times to lose the weight but I could never do it.


Just curious, but how did you do it?

Did you go to the gym or something?


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## DiceOfDiscord (Sep 9, 2012)

_No_ it doesn't matter. I don't see how you can do much better than having a really really awesome overweight boyfriend. If the only thing you'd change about him is his weight, then I'd say go for it.


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## nautilus (Aug 21, 2012)

It's understandable to want what's best for someone (losing weight for the sake of health and self esteem), but it's not a good idea to date them unless you can first accept them for who they are now. Also, just a thought; if you think he'd be good looking if he lost weight, maybe you find something physically attractive about him already? And maybe it's enough?

I've found that over the years, as I started liking different guys, my idea of what's attractive has gotten a lot broader. I can now appreciate all hair colors, eye colors, and most body types, whereas as a teenager, say, I was looking for something more specific. It wasn't that I couldn't be attracted to those who didn't fall into certain categories, I guess I just didn't notice them. I've liked guys that were overweight before, and that changed what I found attractive. I'm willing to admit I like a little meat on my man  *cough* Although I don't think I'll ever say that out loud again. That was an _epic_ fail at flirting.



Malek said:


> Based on society's standards or what you feel is good looking? Cause beauty is in the eye of the beholder and lemme tell ya something. For some reason lately I've been attracted to what is considered average looking to my friends. I confide in them that I find so and so good looking and they're like:
> "Really?... I don't find her attractive at all. " :sus


Congratulations, you're already more mature than the majority of your peers. My dad tells me it takes most men until they're in their 30's before they start dating the women _they_ are interested in instead of the ones their friends would approve of. (I guess at some point happiness outweighs peer pressure?) Go for it!


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

TPower said:


> Just curious, but how did you do it?
> 
> Did you go to the gym or something?


I started eating whole wheat instead of white bread. I used to snack a lot at night which I seldom do anymore. I also cut my calories down.

My brother had a home gym that he used and when he moved out years ago he left it so I've been using that.


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## tea111red (Nov 8, 2005)

Wurli said:


> Agreed. Kill two birds with one stone.


Exactly, and that way she won't accidently hurt his feelings by telling him to drop some weight so they can date w/o a problem. He'll just think she really likes the beach and walking, lol.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Kathykook said:


> So....is this really going to be that big of a deal if we get together? I LOVE his personality, seriously. He's one of the coolest dudes I've ever met. But he's big boned and chubby, I think he would crush me.


Lol, pics or GTFO


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## Donnie in the Dark (Mar 15, 2011)

I say.... at least give it a go, otherwise you may end up regretting it for a long time. Give it a go, if it isn't working for you, fair enough, at least you will have tried.


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## ManOfFewWords (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, do you run or go to the gym at all?


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

Kathykook said:


> At the same time, it's gonna be hard for me to tame him to make him the man I know he can be. Not sure how to go about doing it.


Let me stop you right there...

He's not an animal nor a child. He doesn't need to be tamed nor changed. Do him a favor and move on to the next guy.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> Let me stop you right there...
> 
> He's not an animal nor a child. He doesn't need to be tamed nor changed. Do him a favor and move on to the next guy.


I agree.


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## Killer2121 (Jul 12, 2012)

Some fat girls I've encountered were VERY nice, but I could not date them because I am not attracted to fat girls. To be attracted to someone, they need to have good looks and a good personality, not one or the other.

But looks are important. I couldn't stand to date a girl who is ugly, but sweet

Sorry I went off topic.


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## alwaysrunning (Sep 7, 2019)

For me I have become attracted to people if they are a certain way in the person who they are. What I would be concerned about is if they asked me if I was attracted to them right in the begining. I feel like I would offend them if I were to say no.


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## Shy extrovert (Dec 6, 2017)

Kathykook said:


> I think we would make a decent match. We're both funny and weird. He's hilarious. I would be a happy woman with him.
> 
> ...........BUT we're going to have a few issues, if I do decide to date him...
> First of all, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but he's kinda chubby.
> ...


Imo they are about 20% of the experience. You have to be attracted to them enough to participate in sexual activity with them. But as for the conversations, belief systems, interests, looks don't play a part in any of that. When people talk about feeling a "spark" with someone, I believe that's what they are referring to, the demeanor they have around someone based on their conversations and attitudes. I've had a spark with people I wasn't physically attracted to and it didn't really matter for me. Of course, even being straight romantically, I don't really experience strong sexual attraction. 

I think the thing that would turn me off from someone's appearance the most is bad hygiene. If they have greasy unkempt hair, bad oral hygiene, and smell of sweat, that would make it hard for me even if the connection was good.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Well, it always factors in. Probably more when you're younger. Most people don't age very gracefully so by the time you're in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you'd better be able to see more in a person than just how they look.


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

Kathykook said:


> I think we would make a decent match. We're both funny and weird. He's hilarious. I would be a happy woman with him.
> 
> ...........BUT we're going to have a few issues, if I do decide to date him...
> First of all, I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but he's kinda chubby.
> ...


to me it's a major part of it. Yeah.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Earlier the stages of knowing someone, the more they matter. The more you know the person and their personality beneath their layers, the less they matter gradually. But this applies differently more or less between different people of course.


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## Socialmisfits (May 14, 2021)

I think charisma comes first.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

WillYouStopDave said:


> Well, it always factors in. Probably more when you're younger. Most people don't age very gracefully so by the time you're in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you'd better be able to see more in a person than just how they look.


 Also, I really think that although looks definitely matter a lot, sometimes it works different that what most people probably think.

It's hard to describe. I say that I'm pansexual or bisexual but really, I'm rarely attracted to men. I would say almost never. But it sometimes hits me. There's a certain male character in a popular movie. He's not even a famous actor as far as I know. He would not even be considered attractive by most women, I doubt. But there's just something about him. Could not tell you.

It kind of works that way with women for me too. I've found myself strangely drawn to many women who don't fit the traditional "She's so hot!" thing. Sometimes I barely notice them at first and then the more I think about it, I realize I just feel that little something. 

But I don't think it really works that way for most people. I think most people have very traditional ideas about who and what is attractive. And/or they will often just blindly follow the crowd and fawn over this or that celebrity because they're supposed to and never really even think about it.


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