# People who struggle with dating - would you date someone who isnt really your type?



## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

So i met this girl from plentyoffish a few months back, we went on a few dates and she seemed really keen on me but she wasnt really my type so i let her know that i didnt feel the same way, to which she seemed really dissapointed. Anyway, now she has started contacting me again and keeps asking me to give it another chance.

Now ive never had a relationship before and opportunities like this come rarely for me, infact im really suprised at how persistent she is being with me as usually i seem to repel women...

Now she isnt fat or ugly or anything like that, but then again i dont find her particularly attractive either. But im thinking maybe i should just go with it and see what happens, maybe i might end up liking her? We get along ok and if things dont work out at least i gave it a shot and gained some experience from it, right? But i cant stop thinking that if i have already rejected her once, then whats going to be different this time? And also im getting the overwhelming feeling that i would be just 'settling' for her because i cant anything else and she seems willing to make all the effort between us.....

I'm pretty confused about this :|


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

i say give her another chance she may be the one!


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

No offense, but you seem to be out to find a perfect 10 and your ego is very apparent in your search (dating seems to be full of all types of egos). There is nothing wrong with finding attractiveness in a person in whatever things you find attractive. But just try to actually hang out with the person and know them and just have a good time. I think your dating might be a little better and more fun. The people that I know that have been in the best relationships said that the best matches for you are sometimes the people you least expect.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you will ever genuinely like her as much as she likes you. If you're planning on dating her, at least tell her that. It's better to be upfront about these things from the start than to wait until she gets too emotionally attached to you.


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

I think you should give her another shot. If you don't like her don't stress it. I always keep hearing from friends to lower my standards so I could get experience, but I never feel like it. She is probably in your league even though you don't like her. You can't expect for a hot girl to all of a sudden hook up with you, if you don't work hard on being attractive yourself. Sadly, SA makes guys much more unattractive than the average guy.


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

Besides attraction, do you feel like you two have a lot in common? There have been many times that I have gotten to know a girl and attraction simply grew -- actually most of the time. 

Could you see yourself being friends with her; by that I mean is she interesting to hang around for hours on end?

There are plenty of examples of great long-term relationships that started with one party not being interested.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

When it comes down to it, it's not about her being "fat" or "ugly", it's about her personality. I understand that for us guys the outside is one of those things that gets major attention, but maybe you should just give her a shot.

My therapist has often suggested that I start dating if only "for the experience". In and of itself, thats good advice, but if you genuinly aren't into her, let her know.


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## watashi (Feb 6, 2008)

nemesis1 said:


> Now she isnt fat or ugly or anything like that, but then again i dont find her particularly attractive either. But im thinking maybe i should just go with it and see what happens, maybe i might end up liking her? We get along ok and if things dont work out at least i gave it a shot and gained some experience from it, right? But i cant stop thinking that if i have already rejected her once, then whats going to be different this time? And also im getting the overwhelming feeling that i would be just 'settling' for her because i cant anything else and she seems willing to make all the effort between us.....


Sounds like you want to use her until someone better shows up. Not a nice thing to do.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

watashi said:


> Sounds like you want to use her until someone better shows up. Not a nice thing to do.


But your conscience it telling you the above... so go with your gut instinct... it it feels wrong... don't go there. Don't give her false hope.

I was with an ex of mine for a year... we started dating on June 5 (3 years ago)... it was an odd relationship... he seemed to like me, said he did, said he had fun with me and liked being with me. Then confided he'd applied once to become a priest... and got rejected for having an 'underdeveloped personality' and needed to get more life experience and date. I found his profile on a dating website though where he checked no to the question "have you ever considered a vocation in the priesthood". I asked him about this lie.. and he was offended... saying that he didn't lie but that his counselor told him that if he checked yes no girls would answer his profile and want to go out with him. ????!!!! Exactly one year later he dumped me - on June 5th after a year of letting me think things were odd but getting better or asking me to hang on, that he was trying, that he was trying to 'get used to dating, being in a relationship and having me in his life". He eventually admitted that it was only good for us in the beginning because of attraction and temptations but that he never really 'felt anything'... so yeah... he used me for a whole year, wasted a year of my life and my son's life... and then cut me loose. Sure wish he'd had the balls to be honest and just say... "I'm just not that into you." AT THE BEGINNING.

Oh, yeah... and though he did not mind holding hands... for the first 9 months, and seemed to like kissing for the first 3 months, there were comments where he said that he would love to have a non-sexual relationship... in marriage. Eventually he did not want any physical contact that was intimate or sexual in any way... he just wanted me to be his gf... and email with him, and go to Church with him, and to Church functions.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Thanks for the replies.

Ok, first of all, she knows that im 'on the fence' about her. I have told her that im willing to give it another chance, but purely on a casual basis at first and see what happens, maybe it will progress, maybe it wont. I told her im not promising anything and she said ok. Although what bothers me is that she seems very keen to rush into something more serious, i get the feeling that she is gonna get pretty frustrated at me wanting to take things at a snails pace an she wants the opposite.

We will just see happens i guess.


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## foe (Oct 10, 2010)

I wouldn't. I've been at the opposite end many times and it felt like a wasted effort or like they're letting me come onto them even though they had zero interest in me. 

If you have no interest, just be straight forward with it don't make it like you're toying with him or her.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

No, you don't seem interested.


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## add2list (Nov 10, 2010)

Someone out there (well more than one person) thinks this woman is beautiful and will be madly attracted to her. You are not attracted to her. Unless you are both pursuing an asexual relationship you really shouldn't date her. It's not fair on either of you. You will probably end up very frustrated. I suspect that her self esteem will be damaged more by being stuck in a relationship with someone who is not attracted to her than it will be being told now that you aren't interested.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

People do grow on you and appear more attractive the longer you are around them and if your personalities mesh. I'd say get to know her for a few months and see. I'd suggest keeping it purely at a non-physical level until you're more sure. It'll keep things less messy if you decide it's not what you want.


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## Gemini32 (Apr 12, 2011)

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YESYES YES YES YES YES. dating someone not your type is a good idea becauseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee PRACTICE PRACTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. GETS YOU TO BE comfortable with going out with the one that is your type.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

nemesis1 said:


> Although what bothers me is that she seems very keen to rush into something more serious, i get the feeling that she is gonna get pretty frustrated at me wanting to take things at a snails pace an she wants the opposite.


By any chance, do you know whether or not this girl has fairly close friends of her own?

If she doesn't, it might actually be best for both of you if you completely stayed away from her.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

i go with my gut.. alot of guys i date i wouldnt find myself necessarily drawn to in theory.. but more i notice how i am i guess i dig the nerds... but sametime can get judgemental about sports guys bc of highschool jocks i remember.. im trying not to stereotype either way bc nobodys deserves that bs.. im tired of being labelled myself..


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I kind of enjoy my alone time. When I think of bringing someone in my life, I think of specific qualities, etc. If they do not meet those standards or needs then I'd rather continue my aloneness. I think most people would.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Well i ended up going on another 'date' with her yesterday. Well we just walked with my dog around a local beauty spot for a few hours. As we were walking around i realised that i was just wasting both of our times as she is clearly interested in me but i just cannot get interested in her. We get along pretty well and she doesnt cause me anxiety but im simply not attracted to her and never will be. She clearly wanted to kiss me at the end of the date but i couldnt bring myself to do it. It was a pretty awkward situation really. I will let her know today that i just want to be friends and nothing more.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.....


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

lanzman said:


> People do grow on you and appear more attractive the longer you are around them and if your personalities mesh. I'd say get to know her for a few months and see. I'd suggest keeping it purely at a non-physical level until you're more sure. It'll keep things less messy if you decide it's not what you want.


I'm sort of torn between saying 'no' and saying the same sort of thing as the above in these types of situations. I do think that sometimes feelings can grow when initially there was no real attraction there, but on the other hand, when one party is clearly a lot more interested in pursuing a romantic relationship than the other, a lot of problems can insue if no such feelings develop after time.

I'd be wary of 'giving things a go' when she seems so keen, particularly after you told her, even, that there was no initial attraction there. I presume she's hoping that she can somehow win you over to having feelings for her, but if that doesn't happen, she's going to be pretty heartbroken, moreso than she probably was when you originally told her that you weren't attracted to her. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would advise. Perhaps if you spent more time around her you'd find yourself more physically attracted to her, if personality-wise you clicked. That happens for a lot of people. Then again, it seems that the drive to form a relationship is quite unevenly on her side right now, so perhaps it would be wiser to refrain from trying to force something that's not there and causing her more pain than necessary in the long-run.

I'd say that if you really can't see yourself falling for her, it's probably best not to waste both her, and your, time. If you do decide to give things a go, then definitely as lanzman said, take things slowly... maybe just arrange to go for a few coffees 'as friends' to get to know each other better, than delving right into the physical stuff. And always be honest with her about how you're feeling; don't agree to being in a relationship with her until you're certain it's what you really want, even if she does pressurise you. Otherwise things could get extremely messy quite quickly.

Edit: woops, too late.

I think you're definitely doing the right thing, if you just can't see yourself being attracted to her romatically, ever. I'd be cautious about trying to be friends with her, at least for the time being, though, since she may find friendship hard if what she really wants is something more.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

rednosereindeer said:


> By any chance, do you know whether or not this girl has fairly close friends of her own?
> 
> If she doesn't, it might actually be best for both of you if you completely stayed away from her.


Yeah i think she doesnt really have many friends either. Also she admitted in an msn convo that she has low self esteem. Two people with low self esteem and not many friends is a bad idea really.

I think i am just flattered by all her attention and efforts to get with me really as im totally not used to this level of female attention, and i guess i was trying to hold on to it for as long as i could :roll

Actually i think even just hanging out purely as friends would be a bad idea, as that would probably just keep her interest in me going, resulting in more disappointment for her...


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## Fenren (Sep 20, 2009)

I would try, I'm not so shallow as to write anyone off because I don't have an instant physical attraction to them or that we have nothing in common. But where could it lead? May as well just say you want to hang out and be friends, or just completely end contact especially if they like you so much more. 

I've met someone on plentyoffish as well actually who isn't my type. She's a few years older than me and I don't find her picture appealing, but I'm no oil painting either so who I am to judge? Anyway she chats to me a lot, I confessed that I can't afford to move out of my dads house and I'm also jobless right now. She said she doesn't mind where I live or what I do, or how much money I have and she likes me for me! :O WoW didn't expect that, she must be a one in a billion female.


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## CeilingStarer (Dec 29, 2009)

nemesis1 said:


> Two people with low self esteem and not many friends is a bad idea


I don't think that it is really. I'd honestly love to have a girl with the same anti-social tendencies as me... likes to just basically do stuff with me, but also have her alone time. I'd absolutely hate being dragged to weddings, family parties, have to spend lots of money going out etc. Both your self-esteems would probably lift because you've found each other.

I don't think this girl really matches the above though (not that this was ever _your_ criteria). I doubt she wants her alone time... she seems really clingy and desperate. The fact that you don't even find her particularly attractive, well, that would be a no deal for me.

I think you've probably made some wise points... in essence, you'd really be using her if you continue. I totally understand how nice it must feel to be getting attention though.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

CeilingStarer said:


> I don't think that it is really. I'd honestly love to have a girl with the same anti-social tendencies as me... likes to just basically do stuff with me, but also have her alone time. I'd absolutely hate being dragged to weddings, family parties, have to spend lots of money going out etc. Both your self-esteems would probably lift because you've found each other.


I hear you, man. Would feel the same way as you if I was in nemesis1's position. At the end of the day it's of course still his descision to make, but I know what i'd do. :yes


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## sleepytime (Feb 18, 2011)

I've been very tempted a few times to date girls that are not my type. It would be fine if it were the case that they were someone I just met in the pub and we could go on a few dates and there would be no problem keeping it casual. 

Problem is i never meet girls that way, it's always a friend of a friend or something, and in these cases there always seem to be certain expectations because they expect me to be boyfriend material rather than someone to just go on a few dates with.

I tried to casually date a friend of a friend before and got a bunch of grief from people later for not wanting something serious, if any of my manwh0re friends do the same thing not a word is said because that's just what the girl expects from them in the 1st place. It's really annoying.


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

I was gonna say let her down easy, but now that I think about it, people with self-esteem issues probably react worse to well-worded rejection lines than to something that's just mean and uncalled for.

It was definitely easier for me to get over people who turned out to be jerks than to get over people who were mostly "nice" but who didn't want me anyway.


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

I don't even know what my 'type' is.

I've had a few girls interested in me, but I've never felt the same way about them and I wasn't physically attracted to them either.. let me guess, you didn't find this girl attractive, nemesis1? Because that's a no no for me from the start.


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## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

Go for another few dates, and see how it goes? If you really don't like her then just say to her its not what you wanted, but be nice about it!


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

Do you have chemistry with her? If so, don't throw it away. If not, why not just keep it casual and see what happens.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Josh90 said:


> I don't even know what my 'type' is.
> 
> I've had a few girls interested in me, but I've never felt the same way about them and I wasn't physically attracted to them either.. let me guess, you didn't find this girl attractive, nemesis1? Because that's a no no for me from the start.


Actually she looked fairly attractive in her dating profile pic, not so much in real life tho...

Wasnt just her looks that were the problem, it was also her general demeanor which was off putting, she seemed pretty needy and clingy tbh... :afr



Hello22 said:


> Go for another few dates, and see how it goes? If you really don't like her then just say to her its not what you wanted, but be nice about it!


Well we have been on like 3 or 4 dates now so i think thats enough to get a good idea how you feel about someone.



lonelyjew said:


> Do you have chemistry with her? If so, don't throw it away. If not, why not just keep it casual and see what happens.


I thought we got along ok, but i didnt feel any chemistry at all. Although she seemed to think that there was.

I think ive got a pretty good judge of character, and i feel as though ive made the right decision to stop things going any further based on the time we spent together. She just wasnt for me at all.

Now my worry is how long i'll be waiting for another chance with a girl.....:roll


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

nemesis1 said:


> Now my worry is how long i'll be waiting for another chance with a girl.....:roll


I'd think it's better to not be in a relationship at all, then to in a bad one simply because you think that you have to wait too long for another one to come around.


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

Josh90 said:


> I don't even know what my 'type' is.


:ditto
I think if you don't know what your 'type' is it sometimes helps to reduce being choosy. Nemesis, you seem extremely worried about the stability of finding "that one person". Dating just seems like a complicated thing in general as in you can't control what other people think too well and there are a lot of risks. But putting yourself out there and finding someone means taking those risks because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Nope. It would not be fair to her or myself.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

I think you should try to be friends.


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## lonelyjew (Jan 20, 2010)

nemesis1 said:


> I thought we got along ok, but i didnt feel any chemistry at all. Although she seemed to think that there was.
> 
> I think ive got a pretty good judge of character, and i feel as though ive made the right decision to stop things going any further based on the time we spent together. She just wasnt for at all.
> 
> Now my worry is how long i'll be waiting for another chance with a girl.....:roll


Unfortunately I think Millennium Man is right in saying:



millenniumman75 said:


> Nope. It would not be fair to her or myself.


You also echoed this decision already and it is probably for the best. I've been in sort of similar situations, though only once did I ever have an official "date" with the girl. The whole time with them, I knew that even if we did date, that there was no real chance for a real great relationship because there is much more to it than simply "getting along ok." Hope seems almost cruel when you can't find what you're hoping for, but keep hoping and searching.

The only advice I can give is try to meet as many girls as possible, not even for dates or anything, just to see how well you connect. If I hadn't forced myself to talk to my GF after class, or hadn't made the attempt to get her into my group in our lab class, I wouldn't have recognized just how much chemistry we did have together (let alone gotten her to go out with me). I know SA makes this very had, but I didn't even go in for the sake of a relationship, but actually as a step to conquer my SA. Just get to know them, and screw the idea of a relationship until you decided you actually want them.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

What exactly do we mean by "type"? Physical attraction? Common interests? If it's the former, it wouldn't be an issue. I don't really have a "type" in that case. I tend to find all different types of girls attractive--tall ones, shorter ones, black ones, white ones, hipsters, nerds, you get the idea.


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## PLarry (Apr 2, 2011)

*Good Guy Award*

Dude, this was an awesome story. I mean as I was reading through I was worried cause sometimes you got some really crap advice and others were better. But it looks like you knew what was best for you and went with it. Plus it didn't seem like you treated her like a total (expletive deleted), if you catch my meaning, and it sounded like you could have. Way to be, way to be. :clap


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## Johnny_Genome (Nov 11, 2003)

You handled it with class. I'm sure someone else will come along -- often it seems like as soon as one girl likes you, others will soon follow.


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## heroin (Dec 10, 2010)

I couldn't. This is actually a very, very, very big problem for me because the majority of girls are 'not my type'. They're of the type exactly opposite to my type.

My parents are standing on one foot to marry me off. If I were just a normal dude, I probably wouldn't mind. I mean, guaranteed sex and help around the house, can you really complain? But that kind of girl is not my type.

My type is sadly, incredibly rare. 

And no, I don't have a long list of requirements for what I am looking for like a lot of women have. It's just basic personality. The overwhelming majority of women have personalities that'd be incompatible with my own.

Damn me for being born a freak.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

So i just had a quick look on facebook and noticed that she has updated her status to 'in a relationship'.

So she's now in a relationship a few days after going on a date with me........looks like i definetly made the right decision :roll


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

I think you did the right thing. I have 'given in' to dating someone who was very keen on me, whereas I didn't feel the same way. It ended badly for both of us. I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person; heck, I'm starting to think I'd rather be alone than be with the 'right' person.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

I have dated people that aren't my type, so to speak, and once I figured out they weren't my type I politely ended the relationship, unless I thought it could work regardless.


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