# is it better to have a 'nice' or a stern therapist?



## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

*Is it better to have a 'nice' or a stern therapist?*

Is it better in terms of progress/recovery to have:

a 'nice' therapist - sympathetic, gentle, makes you feel comfortable
OR a stern therapist - brusque, no-nonsense, challenges you directly

I mean, at first glance I would have thought the latter would be more conducive to change, but on the other hand it might be extremely difficult to build the trust necessary to be honest about sensitive, personal things. Which is something I have enough trouble with in counselling/therapy anyway.

What do you think?


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

A nice, sympathetic therapist who doesn't sugar-coat, gives constructive criticism, and gets (politely) straight to the point.

Depends on the person though. You probably wouldn't like the same approach to therapy that I would.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

I've preferred the so-called 'nice' approach because the 'stern' type just results in me butting heads with them -- it's a confrontation waiting to happen.

It probably depends on the patient's personality (including how 'stern' or 'nice' the patient is), what their issues are, what's holding them back from seeking help or progressing with treatment, etc. 

If you're 'nice' and you have a nice therapist, you may just wind up going around in circles together.

If you're 'brusque' and you have a brusque therapist, your personalities may wind up clashing.

Or, maybe for some people, it works the opposite way and they need a like-minded therapist. You just have to shop around to see who you click with.


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## bluecrime (Jan 27, 2013)

One who actually tries to help and doesn't (just) exploit cash from you!


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

bluecrime said:


> One who actually tries to help and doesn't (just) exploit cash from you!


This was the worst thing about my last/first therapist. She was fitting with the 'nice' type described above _on the surface level,_ but she didn't really listen to what I was saying and there was a coldness underneath it. She was constantly clock-watching, basically. Never gave me any kind of feedback.

My new one - I've only been to one session and she's already giving me feedback. _Harsh_ feedback, even. I'd still take that over the former, particularly as it's free of charge on the NHS, but it'd be nice to strike a middle ground.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

I've only ever had "nice" therapists (except my first one that was a straight-up b*tch. She put on the nice persona until I said I wanted to try someone else, and then a devil emerged). I never really accomplished anything in therapy, despite being in it for 3 years. I'm not sure how I'd fare with an upfront and confrontational therapist. Knowing my personality, I predict that I'd become very defensive very quickly, shut down and go into confrontation-mode. Those types of therapists, in my mind, would probably come across as underestimating my situation (trying to push you into doing something), and thus, my opinion of them would lower.

Personally, as someone who's been suffering with people underestimating and misunderstanding my conditions for my whole life, I would definitely need a therapist that was more gentle and understanding so they would even stand a _chance_ of me being receptive of any advice. I'm very much used to getting retarded advice from people who don't understand the severity of my issues, so for a therapist to gain my respect and trust, they'd need to be the opposite of what I'm used to.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Monroee said:


> Personally, as someone who's been suffering with people underestimating and misunderstanding my conditions for my whole life, I would definitely need a therapist that was more gentle and understanding so they would even stand a _chance_ of me being receptive of any advice. *I'm very much used to getting retarded advice from people who don't understand the severity of my issues,* so for a therapist to gain my respect and trust, they'd need to be the opposite of what I'm used to.


THIS.


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## Morpheus (May 26, 2006)

For me I'd prefer nice. If they're stern I'd get nervous and stop going. Other people may be different.


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## KaitlynRose (Aug 28, 2013)

If I did go to a therapist, I would wish to go to a stern one. Cut the BS, get to the point and give a clear cut solution. A nice therapist, while they may gradually establish some sense of trust, the sessions would only drag out. This could make a very simple solution last months or even years to fix, instead of a few weeks for the sake of "trust". This longer duration will not only be quite costly, but it may create an emotional dependence on your therapist which most want (so you will keep coming back to them. You are their profit, after all). This emotional dependency on others may become a habitual one, which would in fact be another problem that needs fixing... Another problem that may need another therapist, which may cost even more money, which will take up even more time. 

And so the vicious cycle rages on.


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## Quatermass (Oct 6, 2013)

A therapist that doesn't challenge you and the way you are thinking, isn't doing a very good job. But neither is a therapist that is so stern you feel uncomfortable going to him/her. A good therapist will make you feel welcome and listened to, but will also be able to challenge you to make the changes you need to do in your life, without making you feel like you're being patronized and humiliated.


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## fair sprite (Feb 9, 2014)

I have gone to a number of therapists and just found one whom I feel is the right one for me. The therapist is positive and kind but requires you to do excercises and or self help reading. I am comfortable sharing things that are personal because my therapist is nonjudgmental and allows me to come to my own conclusions. Also my therapist asks me questions and digs deeper in attempts to understand better. Sometimes she even kind of steers the conversation back onto a track if my talking suddenly doesn't seem as pertinent to what we are discussing. Definitely listens as well as guides.


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## perennial wallflower (Feb 17, 2014)

Ideally, a therapist would be a combination. I don't think many people benefit from the "tough love" approach when it's their insecurities and personal struggles, because if they're hurt or feel misunderstood they'll just withdraw and not listen.

I know I have enough trouble working with someone on my personal issues as it is. If I get the impression that someone is handing out quick-fix solutions without listening to me or is judging me as lazy, an idiot, a weirdo, etc, why would I feel comfortable entrusting them with my mental health? If all I needed was to be told what I should do, then I would go online and read some articles or buy a book.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

Pretty much what the person above me said. The ideal therapist would be a combination of both. Initially they would be more "nice", but as therapy progresses, you need to get challenged. They need to be able to push you further and further, while still showing you support in your undertakings for the treatment.


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## Nathan18 (Sep 15, 2009)

I've only had 'nice' therapists. I do agree above that a mix of the two is best. They need to push you a little bit. If they don't, you progress may take a hit.

I don't think a completely stern therapist will work. People with these issues need someone to be patient and understanding. If they're not that, I think they're in the wrong profession.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

It took me until the latter to make real progress. I needed to know that not making a real effort in my therapy goals would lead to no nonsense "get your act together" type sessions. I honestly think people need a kick up the *** with no bull**** to overcome this and it was only until I found a therapist who would make me truly feel accountable for my lack of progress where I made real gains. I mean you don't want an ****hole who makes you feel worthless, but I think a therapist who says "aww that's ok, maybe next time" is equally as useless.


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## fair sprite (Feb 9, 2014)

I say go with your gut. If you feel she could be more effective and you want to try another therapist don't be afraid to seek them out. Maybe you should just have an honest conversation with her and if she doesn't improve or gets irritated by you requesting more involvement from her then she is not the right one. I knew I was in the wrong place not long ago because they got irritated at me seeking outside help after i requested more involvement from them and they blew me off. But I felt they were just taking my money and prolonging my illness and did not really want to see me improve. I am doing much better with my new therapist!


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## JustThisGuy (Mar 24, 2012)

tbyrfan said:


> A nice, sympathetic therapist who doesn't sugar-coat, gives constructive criticism, and gets (politely) straight to the point.
> 
> Depends on the person though. You probably wouldn't like the same approach to therapy that I would.


Yes. This.


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