# "You really look nervous" from my therapist



## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

My therapist said that to me. The reason I have SA is because I am afraid I look nervous. 
What do you feel when your therapists says something like that.

From my experience most of them say that or imply that.

If I heard from someone ' oh you dont look that nervous everybody gets anxious in such sitiuations' that would be relaxing for me.


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## ThrashtilDeath (Mar 21, 2009)

If he/she knows that you have SA, that's a pretty stupid comment.


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## Sunshine009 (Sep 21, 2008)

She needs a good az whoopin'. Yep.


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## staystrong12 (Mar 11, 2009)

when i was younger my grandmas therapist said i was never going to be like christina aguilara........HE WAS ON SOME SERIOUS ****


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## flickaflicka (Jul 8, 2008)

Therapists are so tricky. it's such a personal relationship...like beyond personal since you share with them the deepest darkest things that go on inside of you (or at least you're expected to...so that you can't get better).

I think Roman is right, if they're not clicking for you, look for another person. It sounds like that comment was pretty unhelpful. But, on the other had, bear in mind that no therapist is going to always know what to say to you, even a really good one. 

So be blunt with them, as much as you can. If you think they said something unhelpful, or that makes you feel uncomfortable say so. You are paying them. Make them work for it. Seriously. It's about you, and this could be a great chance for you to assert yourself and help teach him or her what kind of feedback is actually constructive for you.


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## leomouse (Dec 1, 2008)

you should tell your therapist you will be finding a new one cause obviously this one doesn't know enough about SA, anyone informed would not say that.


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## scaredtolive (Mar 19, 2009)

Somebody had to graduate last in their class. It sounds like it might have been him/her.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

proximo20 said:


> My therapist said that to me. The reason I have SA is because I am afraid I look nervous.
> What do you feel when your therapists says something like that.
> 
> From my experience most of them say that or imply that.
> ...


my therapist said something like sit back and relax... to me which of course made me think I looked nervous. But oh well. He also said that you should allow yourself to be a little nervous in social situations. That has really helped me for some reason. Probably because I never cut myself any slack in that regard.


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

Thanks for the support and understanding. This week has been terrible. I am almost back to where I was 5 years ago.

I am at a mall thinking again do I look more nervous than I am? Yeah I am going to tell her that she should never tell this to someone with SA.


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## jaglionette (Mar 30, 2009)

For me personally I would appreciate the honesty. If my therapist was saying just what I wanted to hear I would find that to be counterproductive. On the other hand he/she could have been much more tactful.


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## AndyLT (Oct 8, 2007)

Don't you think that expressed and discussed fear diminishes 10 times?

Maybe your therapist was smart enough to discover your biggest fear quickly and bring it to the surface.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

I was told the same exact thing--that I looked nervous sitting out in the waiting room. But what was REALLY bad was, I didn't even feel nervous! So I thought "OMG people can tell I'm f'ed up even when I don't think it's showing?!? GREAT!!" I also cried a lot about it & obseesed over it...definitely not the right thing to say to one of us. :no


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Would a chemo doctor say to a cancer patient, "Gee, you look really sick" ?
How rude!


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

Pam said:


> Would a chemo doctor say to a cancer patient, "Gee, you look really sick" ?
> How rude!


Exactly Pam.

Many of us have SA because we are afraid of looking nervous. This is my case at least. I know I am not acting very confident but 5 years ago in a supermarket I was having panics thinking what if my hands shake or if the cashier asks something my trembling voice is heard by everyone. I am over it but this therapist is pulling me back.

Andtlt

If it is not already in the surface what am I doing in a therapy session? It is not discussing, it is a single comment.

Just like PAm, I was not actually feeling nervous. Now I am afraid to visit my advisor or proffesors again. I was not like this since 4-5 years.


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

jaglionette said:


> For me personally I would appreciate the honesty. If my therapist was saying just what I wanted to hear I would find that to be counterproductive. On the other hand he/she could have been much more tactful.


I don't want to hear that I look confident or very relaxed.

But the conversation was.......

Therapist:From 1 to 10 scale how nervous are you right now?

Me: 4 or 5.

T: You look really nervous right now.


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## jaglionette (Mar 30, 2009)

I'm sorry, I was under the impression you were looking for others' perspectives.


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## proximo20 (Nov 25, 2006)

jaglionette said:


> I'm sorry, I was under the impression you were looking for others' perspectives.


don't get me wrong I appreciate your comment.

I just wanted to write the whole conversation, so you could see in which context she said it.


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## jaglionette (Mar 30, 2009)

Ah okay. I do agree that she was completely tactless. I've had some pretty lousy "therapists". it's worth finding someone who you feel some sort of kinship with... they are out ther though they may be rare


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

The only other possibility I can think of that isn't so rude is that the therapist was ATTEMPTING to, (but failed at it), to give you some empathy. Sometimes when a therapist describes me as worse than I really feel, I'll take it as a criticism and feel insulted, and it causes more WORRY! I hate that. BUT IT COULD BE THAT THE THERAPIST IS JUST WRONG, PERIOD. They are not all-knowing.

People's perceptions of others are not always accurate. Just because he/she saw you as really nervous, doesn't mean OTHER people see you that way (like your professors). Try not to think the therapist is always right. I still think that even if you were sitting there pulling your hair out, she/he should not have said "really nervous." How is that EVER helpful?

Of course I don't know you, and wasn't there, but IMO, a 4 or 5 score for a person with social anxiety sitting in a room with a therapist whose job IS to pay close attention to you---a 4 or 5 is GOOD! :yes


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## Anxiety75 (Feb 10, 2004)

I don't see how they could make that comment. that's why you are there, right? That would be like a doctor saying, "You look sick."


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## laxgirl008 (Apr 18, 2006)

If I was asked to scale my nervousness I know I would probably lie a bit, give a number I would feel is a little more "normal" for the sake of trying not to appear dramatic. In this case I would feel like such a response was an attempt at acknowledging this falsity and maybe trying to get me to be honest.

I say this in effort to offer other explanations than the doc was just an ignorant piece of ****. Sometimes when things get tough I know I am inclined to nitpick. HOWEVER, you are the one in the relationship. If, after considering all the sides, you feel like the doc really is an ignorant piece of **** then I feel for you (Once in the chair the lights flickered so, mid appointment, my therapist went out in the hall to discuss it with her colleague. I felt like screaming.)

Don't give up hope, though! Unfortunately therapists are people, not magicians, and therapy is a challenging job not all can do well.


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