# Being in your 30's and never been in a relationship is so embarrassing...



## nemesis1

So i'll be 32 in a few days and ive never been in a real relationship. I feel like a total freak because of this and ive come to realise this is why i avoid social interactions so much, because im terrified of people either finding out, or people that already know saying something about it. That and i just cant handle being around people who are in relationships anymore. Most of my old friends are married with kids now, and heres me still with no girlfriend ever. I cant bring myself to speak to them anymore because of this, so in turn my social anxiety gets worse and i become even more isolated. Its just do damn humiliating...

I had some girls interested in me in the past, although i wasnt really interested in them so turned them down hoping something better would come along. Well nothing better did ever come along and i remain single. Sometimes i wish i would have just gone out with one of those girls for a while just so i can say ive been in a relationship before like every other normal person in their 30's.

I feel so ashamed for my family. What on earth must they think of me? Infact i dont even wanna know. I just want to disappear permanently.


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## humourless

Don't worry about your family.
It's not the end of the world.
Hope keeps us all alive. If you are not happy, try to change your situation. For most of us, it's not the problem that is the problem. It's our perception of the problem. Our worried mind. We make it worse.

Can you honestly say to yourself "I have tried my hardest to go out there and meet people and meet life's challenges?"

Above all don't beat yourself up. Create a voice in your head which encourages" Well I failed there but I did give it my best shot" for example.

I've been happiest in life when I motivate myself with music and fitness.
What makes life worth living for you?


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## Kon

nemesis1 said:


> Most of my old friends are married with kids now, and heres me still with no girlfriend ever. I cant bring myself to speak to them anymore because of this, so in turn my social anxiety gets worse and i become even more isolated. Its just do damn humiliating...


Yep, it can feed on itself. I think that's why my SAD was far worse in my 30s than my 20s. In my 20s I had girlfriends and there are less expectations of you (you're still considered young). But not in your 30s, they expect you to be in a relationship and to have made something of yourself (whatever that means). Having said that, I spent most of my 30s doing stuff that I could have never done if I was married and had kids with family responsibilities (e.g. a lot of travel, hiking, reading/writing, attending/auditing courses, training, etc). Those things are a lot harder to do if you are married with kids, mortgage and a full-time job. I think there's benefits to being single if you take advantage of it. I still hate hanging out with married couples.


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## Fenren

I know how you feel nemesis1 well kind of, we can only walk in our own shoes after all! I've had a few girlfriends [kind of] never really got much further than kissing though. Plus snogs in nightclubs drunk with random girls [so what?]

Since I've turned 30 I've had zero chances with anyone, it's probably more to do with how isolated I've become with reasons similar to your own. It is embarrassing and a constant frustration, but I've sort of got used to things now. 
As for my family they think I LOVE being like this and don't give a crap about having a girlfriend. It couldn't be any further from the truth really, also most people I knew at work and old friends now assume I must be gay and avoid me.

Oh well, things won't "suddenly" change for the better now, should I still feel a twinkle of hope?... Can't expect things to just happen anyway, need to get my crap together and get back out there! Pfft easier said than done.:sigh


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## humourless

Remember it's worse for women in their 30's because time is running out for them to have children.


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## Kon

humourless said:


> Remember it's worse for women in their 30's because time is running out for them to have children.


Assuming they really want children. I still don't understand why so many people have this need to have children?


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## humourless

A friend of mine is 49, single and still never married. He's been dating someone for 6 months though. He worries about never finding Mrs Right but when it comes to the crunch, he's too fussy, they don't meet his criteria. He had a lot of dates and introductions thru the net if that is any help to you.
He's not strikingly handsome and a cleaner by trade. There's hope for everyone if you ask me.


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## peach123

humourless said:


> Remember it's worse for women in their 30's because time is running out for them to have children.


This is very true, men can be 30 and date a range of women from 22 to 40 and take their time dating because they don't have to worry about not being able to have children in their 30's and 40's. Men can get married at 60 and have children with a 35 year old woman or younger and nothing is thought of it at all.


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## peach123

Kon said:


> Assuming they really want children. I still don't understand why so many people have this need to have children?


Some people want children because they want to have someone to take care of them when they get older. Others want a child that looks like them or members in their family. Some people want children so they have something to leave things to as they get older, they want to have grandchildren as well. Some people want to have a big family and to have children to share life experiences with. Some people have children so that they have things in common with other people who have children.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

This will probably be me in a year.


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## nemesis1

Fenris said:


> I know how you feel nemesis1 well kind of, we can only walk in our own shoes after all! I've had a few girlfriends [kind of] never really got much further than kissing though. Plus snogs in nightclubs drunk with random girls [so what?]
> 
> Since I've turned 30 I've had zero chances with anyone, it's probably more to do with how isolated I've become with reasons similar to your own. It is embarrassing and a constant frustration, but I've sort of got used to things now.
> As for my family they think I LOVE being like this and don't give a crap about having a girlfriend. It couldn't be any further from the truth really, also most people I knew at work and old friends now assume I must be gay and avoid me.
> 
> Oh well, can't expect things to suddenly change for the better now, should I still feel a twinkle of hope?... Can't expect things to just happen anyway, need to get my crap together and get back out there! Pfft easier said than done.:sigh


Your post resonated with me. I think my family think the same as yours, that i choose to keep myself in this perma-single situation, which like you couldnt be further from the truth. Theres nothing i would want more than to be in a long term relationship with a nice girl. And it seems the older i get, the more rarer chances with women become.

I'm not bothered about getting married and having kids, hell i cant even begin to think about that kind of stuff when ive never even had a girlfriend before. It isnt normal for a guy my age to have no relationship history at all, and im constantly worried about what people think of me because of it.



Kon said:


> Yep, it can feed on itself. I think that's why my SAD was far worse in my 30s than my 20s. In my 20s I had girlfriends and there are less expectations of you (you're still considered young). But not in your 30s, they expect you to be in a relationship and to have made something of yourself (whatever that means). Having said that, I spent most of my 30s doing stuff that I could have never done if I was married and had kids with family responsibilities (e.g. a lot of travel, hiking, reading/writing, attending/auditing courses, training, etc). Those things are a lot harder to do if you are married with kids, mortgage and a full-time job. I think there's benefits to being single if you take advantage of it. I still hate hanging out with married couples.


I feel as though ive gone as far as i can as a single person. I try to enjoy being single by doing stuff that people in relationships/with kids....etc wouldnt be able to do. But now ive had enough of doing these things alone, i want to be able to enjoy these things with a partner. But the older i get, the more and more unlikely it seems that thats going to happen.


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## CeilingStarer

Yep, I'm in the same boat. Can totally relate to that "gone as far as I can as a single person." I have more time on my hands than ever, but things I used to enjoy doing now feel so hollow. I never thought that this would happen. I'm no longer that 20 y.o. reclusive who relished in making music in his bedroom alone... who loved watching deep films alone, or drinking alone to a favourite album... or just going for a long lone walk with good tunes. I just can't be bothered any more... these activities depress/bore me. I'd rather just share these experiences with a women I love. We can collaborate musically, watch films together, get drunk together etc... I'd probably even start to enjoy and crave nerdy/loner hobbies again, given that I'd have balance. 

The grass is always greener, and I know I'd likely be frustrated in a relationship too (she'd hate the music I like, think the film was boring, we'd argue yaddayadda), but the fantasy version just feels so right at this point in my life.

Anyway, I'm 30 in 3 months. I have a wedding soon that is just going to be so embarrassing on the relationship/partner side of things (I'm one of the groomsmen). I'll be an insecure mess all night, scared of the bridesmaid's etc. Like you, I tend to avoid social events to avoid the embarrassment. My old friends know I'm the weird guy who never has a girlfriend. I haven't even seen them for 2 years. The invite was just addressed to me, not "CeilingStarer and partner" so I guess they assume nothings changed.

Sick of the struggle...


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## Snuffy

Kon said:


> Assuming they really want children. I still don't understand why so many people have this need to have children?


I'm so damn thankful for my defective "biological clock". :yes
(Sorry, Mom & Dad, but there's none of that nasty ticking going on over here...)


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## komorikun

Snuffy said:


> I'm so damn thankful for my defective "biological clock". :yes
> (Sorry, Mom & Dad, but there's none of that nasty ticking going on over here...)


Yeah, me too. I just want cats. I think cause my mom had 2 cats when I was born and they used to sleep with me, I have some sort of visceral reaction to cats instead of babies. I don't have a cat right now and I'm going crazy. Whenever I see one, even in someone's window, I'm like...ohhhhh kittttie......., beauuuuutiful. :mushy


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## KiwiGirl

Relationships can be hard. I'd rather be single from all the problems I've been having this year. But honestly don't wait for the perfect woman to come along or someone better cos it may never happen. Don't feel ashamed. Have you tried any internet dating websites to meet any girls?


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## Hoyden

I'm deliberately vague or exaggerate (well, lie about it, I guess!) previous "relationships". Relationships being a euphamism for drunken snogs, shags and holiday flirting.

People do ask "Why are you single?", etc. I think the answer becomes very obvious soon enough.


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## Selbbin

I've been in relationships so not quite the same, but not many and separated with enough length to be dreadfully short of experience. I think it feels like it gets worse and harder as the years progress, because it feels like the older you are the more you should know. I'm paranoid about my current girlfriend because I'm sure after this I won't have any more chances. It 'feels' like a last hurrah.


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## pianist

Same here nemisis1, I've heard people say in hushed voices refering to me "how can someone never date anyone?, makes me think theres something wrong with them."
Yes its very painful, & I tend to agree. Which in turn feeds my SA as well.

I hope you try not to let it get you down, easier said than done. But heres hoping against hope for poor souls like us.


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## gaz

Yeah it's depressing and embarassing. I hear other people talking about how many ex's they have and this and that, and i feel ashamed that i haven't even had one girlfriend.

I feel like a freak, and being in public places and seeing couples makes it worse....Everyone else seem to have a significant other regardless of their age, looks, personalities....It sucks! 

Because seeing people with others makes me feel inadequate and envious i avoid going to public places which in turn makes my social anxiety worse.

The worst thing is being an involinatary celibate. I'm not asexual (though i sometimes wish i was as it would be easier) i yearn for a woman to love me back which never happens (i love them but they never love me in return....Wahey for the friend zone:|)


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## gaz

pianist said:


> Same here nemisis1, I've heard people say in hushed voices refering to me "how can someone never date anyone?, makes me think theres something wrong with them."
> Yes its very painful, & I tend to agree. Which in turn feeds my SA as well.
> 
> I hope you try not to let it get you down, easier said than done. But heres hoping against hope for poor souls like us.


Yeah people assume that everyone should be in a relationship. Some people used to ask me how come i don't have a girlfriend which in some ways was a compliment but it made me feel hurt, and reminded me of my inability to ask women out.


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## gaz

KiwiGirl said:


> Relationships can be hard. I'd rather be single from all the problems I've been having this year. But honestly don't wait for the perfect woman to come along or someone better cos it may never happen. Don't feel ashamed. Have you tried any internet dating websites to meet any girls?


I was a member of a dating site mainly to see how many responses i'd get, and to my shock i got a few. What i found that after one message they stopped replying for some reason.

It was a dating site for ''shy'' people but to be honest most seemed anything but shy describing themselves liking partying.


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## StayingMotivated

it's never too late


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## randomprecision

I joined OKcupid a while back. Lots of nice, real people on there i wouldn't mind sharing a conversation with. I thought maybe....
Then i tried my best to come up with an honest profile "about me". Oh dear God.
Account deleted.
Sigh.


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## Deadguy

gaz said:


> Yeah people assume that everyone should be in a relationship. Some people used to ask me how come i don't have a girlfriend which in some ways was a compliment but it made me feel hurt, and reminded me of my inability to ask women out.


I think it says a lot when it is far more common to come across people who are in their 30s and divorced as opposed to never being married.

At any given time, there are many people who are single, regardless of whether or not they have social anxiety disorder.

I would think it is very common to have difficulty asking people out because rejection hurts. Most people I know got together through mutual friends and are always amazed when I tell them how many women I've asked out in the past 15 years.


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## PeaceWish

nemesis .. All I can say is that I feel your pain. Please hang in there .. When you finally do meet someone, it should be an awesome relationship, and you'll have no regrets about keeping your standards.


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## erasercrumbs

Though I experienced a couple of very ill-fated relationships in my early 20's, over the last few years I've become so withdrawn that attaining another relationship will be extremely difficult. For a while I considered joining a dating site called The Ugly Bug Ball, which is supposed to be a dating site for people that consider themselves unattractive. To my great disappointment, though, every person there looked like they were plucked from the heady foam of Zeus, so I didn't join.


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## nemesis1

Thanks for the replies.

I'm wondering if any of you guys who are in a similar position to me have considered finding a partner from a 'lesser developed' country? This is something im thinking about. It seems to be much easier for guys from the developed parts of the world to find girlfriends from poorer countries. I know a few guys who always struggled with dating and are now married, one is married to a Russian girl, the other is married to a girl from the Phillipines. South American girls are pretty hot, maybe i should go over there sometime.


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## Catherine Cavatica

humourless said:


> Remember it's worse for women in their 30's because time is running out for them to have children.


Some of us don't want to have children! :b


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## Catherine Cavatica

CeilingStarer said:


> Yep, I'm in the same boat. Can totally relate to that "gone as far as I can as a single person." I have more time on my hands than ever, but things I used to enjoy doing now feel so hollow. I never thought that this would happen. I'm no longer that 20 y.o. reclusive who relished in making music in his bedroom alone... who loved watching deep films alone, or drinking alone to a favourite album... or just going for a long lone walk with good tunes. I just can't be bothered any more... these activities depress/bore me. I'd rather just share these experiences with a women I love. We can collaborate musically, watch films together, get drunk together etc... I'd probably even start to enjoy and crave nerdy/loner hobbies again, given that I'd have balance.
> 
> The grass is always greener, and I know I'd likely be frustrated in a relationship too (she'd hate the music I like, think the film was boring, we'd argue yaddayadda), but the fantasy version just feels so right at this point in my life.
> 
> Anyway, I'm 30 in 3 months. I have a wedding soon that is just going to be so embarrassing on the relationship/partner side of things (I'm one of the groomsmen). I'll be an insecure mess all night, scared of the bridesmaid's etc. Like you, I tend to avoid social events to avoid the embarrassment. My old friends know I'm the weird guy who never has a girlfriend. I haven't even seen them for 2 years. The invite was just addressed to me, not "CeilingStarer and partner" so I guess they assume nothings changed.
> 
> Sick of the struggle...


I feel for you, mate. :kiss :squeeze I'm 33yo and single at the moment. I have had relationships in the past but none worked out... :sigh


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## Fenren

nemesis1 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm wondering if any of you guys who are in a similar position to me have considered finding a partner from a 'lesser developed' country? This is something im thinking about. It seems to be much easier for guys from the developed parts of the world to find girlfriends from poorer countries. I know a few guys who always struggled with dating and are now married, one is married to a Russian girl, the other is married to a girl from the Phillipines. South American girls are pretty hot, maybe i should go over there sometime.


Well I would worry if they're really genuine and love me, opposed to just after my money [lol] or wanting to gain citizenship here. If they wanted to move here of course, I wouldn't mind emigrating away...nothing for me to stay here for except my parents.

I'm trying on PlentyOfFish again at the moment, chatting to 4 women on there so something might come of it this time. Or probably not, still have to actually meet up and stuff.


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## Futures

It feels like a lost cause x1000. At this point I'm just trying to come to grips with the fact that I'll be single for life, and get on with living it the only way I know how. It sucks, but it's reality.


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## gaz

nemesis1 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm wondering if any of you guys who are in a similar position to me have considered finding a partner from a 'lesser developed' country? This is something im thinking about. It seems to be much easier for guys from the developed parts of the world to find girlfriends from poorer countries. I know a few guys who always struggled with dating and are now married, one is married to a Russian girl, the other is married to a girl from the Phillipines. South American girls are pretty hot, maybe i should go over there sometime.


One must be wary of these. I'm not saying that you get a lot of genuine ones and i do generally Eastern women and their values, but you would question their true motives. You hear about men and women who are used for their money and because these people are desperate to escape their countries.


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## gaz

Catherine Cavatica said:


> Some of us don't want to have children! :b


Me too, they are too demanding and stressful.


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## gaz

rubyruby said:


> Lots of people of your generation are getting married later in life. It's just sort of the trend. I also see lots of young women who have their degrees and who are working there way up the corporate ladder. I see a lot of guys who don't have degrees and don't have girlfriends and play Warcraft all the time. The only way they would meet a girl is if she knocked on his door and interrupted his Warcraft game. I sound cyncial but in my world that is what's happening.
> 
> So I guess what I'm trying to say is there are a lot of people who don't have SA who are sort of in the same boat as you.


True. I don't put myself in the position to meet anyone, i'm kid of living in hope that the unlikely scenario of a woman knocking on my door will happen....But in truth i am avoiding meeting people because of my severe low self esteem.


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## Knowbody

I'll be 30 in 5 years

I'm not looking forward to it at all

I still feel 16 honestly


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## DeeperUnderstanding

I have given up on relationships. It's clear that I will never have one, except in my dreams.


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## JupiterStarr

nemesis1 said:


> I had some girls interested in me in the past, although i wasnt really interested in them so turned them down hoping something better would come.


Well, you did have the opportunity. You can't go back in time, but learn from this....


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## Deadguy

gaz said:


> One must be wary of these. I'm not saying that you get a lot of genuine ones and i do generally Eastern women and their values, but you would question their true motives. You hear about men and women who are used for their money and because these people are desperate to escape their countries.


I considered this option years ago. When I did a little research on the subject, I discovered that the INS reported that only 20% these marriages ended in divorce, which is much lower than the overall divorce rate in the United States.

You don't have to question her motives as you know what they are. On the flip side, she's going to know that you are marrying her because you can not meet women the conventional way. Thus, you have a more honest relationship up front than conventional relationships. You could argue that there is much more deception involved in "normal" relationships, as people delude themselves into believing that they are getting into relationships with each other for non-shallow reasons. This is why so many relationships fail.

In the end, I decided against this due to financial reasons. I don't trust random websites and did not like the idea of paying $5 just to e-mail someone. Then there are language barriers and the possibility that these women don't actually exist.Also, I would be too embarrassed to do this while my parents are still alive.


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## hypestyle

Ah... Another birthday in less than three weeks, and I have no idea what I'm going to do.. I definitely won't have a girlfriend by that time.. somehow that wish never came true.. alas.. having the dating experience of an 8th grader is quite depressing.. so many things to consider now, with the adult dating world, the kid-dating world having totally passed me by..


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## lonesomeboy

33 in a couple of weeks and in the same boat....so depressed right now. I wanna just disappear and wish I was never born. I hate and ashamed of myself...trust me you're not alone


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## theCARS1979

WintersTale said:


> I have given up on relationships. It's clear that I will never have one, except in my dreams.


I wouldnt give up just yet man, keep trying


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## centrino

I'm 25 but that's old enough and I know how you guys feel...most people even lose their virginity at 17.

I don't like lying about this...specially to coworkers....but otherwise I would be considered a weirdo and stop respecting me.


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## tardisblue

Interesting discussion here. I'm in the same boat as many of you. Will be 34 in a couple of weeks... I think the most important thing is to not lose hope. First off, it's not as bad as you think. Don't obsess too much about the situation and just start thinking about baby steps and take them one at a time.

The worst thing is to panic and think you are somehow worthless since you've gotten this far without a relationship. Sure, the reality of the situation is your inexperience, but worrying about that state isn't going to change anything.

A few months ago I was feeling down about being single and then a friend set me up with some girl. We had a blind date. We went out a couple more times (and I did the inviting). It didn't go anywhere, but I realized that it wasn't that bad to go out with someone. I was proud of myself for actually making an effort, too.

I noticed that on my end, I was confident enough in myself that I really didn't need this person. (A lot of the thoughts for me at first were, "Do I even like this person?") While on the dates, I started imagining myself going out again with someone else. I noticed how nice it was to have somebody sitting across from me enjoying an ice cream.

Well, since then I've been lazy and haven't bothered looking around for other ladies to date, but the whole experience was an eye-opener to me. It wasn't that bad. I was able to hold up my end of the conversation and I thought we had lots in common. I actually looked forward to going out again with somebody else. Like I said, I've been lazy and I should get on things to see someone else.

Worrying too much about your state can paralyze you, so I would recommend spending time taking baby steps in the right direction. You don't have to aim high at first. For me, it was also beneficial just to realize that yeah, not every girl is going to be interested in me, and that's okay. Everyone has different interests, so don't assume someone rejecting you means you're worthless.


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## centrino

tardisblue said:


> Interesting discussion here. I'm in the same boat as many of you. Will be 34 in a couple of weeks... I think the most important thing is to not lose hope. First off, it's not as bad as you think. Don't obsess too much about the situation and just start thinking about baby steps and take them one at a time.
> 
> The worst thing is to panic and think you are somehow worthless since you've gotten this far without a relationship. Sure, the reality of the situation is your inexperience, but worrying about that state isn't going to change anything.
> 
> A few months ago I was feeling down about being single and then a friend set me up with some girl. We had a blind date. We went out a couple more times (and I did the inviting). It didn't go anywhere, but I realized that it wasn't that bad to go out with someone. I was proud of myself for actually making an effort, too.
> 
> I noticed that on my end, I was confident enough in myself that I really didn't need this person. (A lot of the thoughts for me at first were, "Do I even like this person?") While on the dates, I started imagining myself going out again with someone else. I noticed how nice it was to have somebody sitting across from me enjoying an ice cream.
> 
> Well, since then I've been lazy and haven't bothered looking around for other ladies to date, but the whole experience was an eye-opener to me. It wasn't that bad. I was able to hold up my end of the conversation and I thought we had lots in common. I actually looked forward to going out again with somebody else. Like I said, I've been lazy and I should get on things to see someone else.
> 
> Worrying too much about your state can paralyze you, so I would recommend spending time taking baby steps in the right direction. You don't have to aim high at first. For me, it was also beneficial just to realize that yeah, not every girl is going to be interested in me, and that's okay. Everyone has different interests, so don't assume someone rejecting you means you're worthless.


Nice post.

I don't mind taking baby steps...the problem is....what is the right direction?


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## tardisblue

cedward said:


> Nice post.
> 
> I don't mind taking baby steps...the problem is....what is the right direction?


Ever heard of the 5 Whys? It's a matter of thinking about where you are and where you want to be and asking why you aren't there yet. You keep asking why to figure out some core issues.

For me, I realized recently, for instance, that staying in my apartment when I've got nothing to do makes me even less social, so I've been forcing myself to get out in public, to go shopping, or go for a walk, go for a coffee, whatever. That may not directly get me a relationship, but it makes me feel comfortable enough to be out and about and gives me confidence.

Sometimes the best course of action is just to try different things to see what works. It's okay to not know what you need to do, but just to try things. It's all about discovering what does and doesn't work for you.


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## centrino

Interesting...I've been thinking going to the gym, do yoga or take guitar lessons.

Thanks!


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## aigner

"I had some girls interested in me in the past, although i wasnt really interested in them so turned them down hoping something better would come along. Well nothing better did ever come along and i remain single. Sometimes i wish i would have just gone out with one of those girls for a while just so i can say ive been in a relationship before like every other normal person in their 30's".

recently dated a guy in his late 30's never dated anyone longer than few months. Doesn't have SA but single just the same. Is looking for something that probably doesn't exist...perfection. And he doesn't seem to give it enough time to see if it can go anywhere. Hope you are not doing that. Not saying you should settle or anything but maybe just hang out with a girl for a while before you give up. Sometimes attraction/interest doesn't happen right away. But you are definitely not alone, even guys that are not shy are single.


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## Sonnyboy

I am in the same situation at age 35 and it really has made my social anxiety worse. People are expected to have been in relationships so it alienates you if you have not. The next 10 years are going to be one hard grind if things continue on the same. 

Be carful with dating sites with people from less developed countries, in my expererience they are scammers.You can lose some money plus break your heart. You might want to try, there has to be some genuine woman from those places. Just be careful not to get emotionally to involved until you find out they are real.


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## Mysteriousvirgo

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Been browsing forums/threads like this and finally decided to join and chime in. 

So...wow, where do I even begin? I am 33 and have the dating/romantic experience of maybe an 18 year old, and arguably the emotional level of same (maybe 18-21). I'm essentially borderline Asperger's (HFA). Women have been few and far between. All of my "relationships" (if they could be called relationships) added together would be maybe 6 months total. Haven't even kissed a girl in over nine years. Life is passing me by, and I'm finding it harder and harder to socialize. I basically have no social life. Most of my peers are well along into careers and families (or long-term relationships) and have their own homes by now and I just can't relate to them all, since I've achieved none of those milestones. I've struggled with depression since I was about 13, and lately it's just been getting so much worse. I've all but given up hope...in the romance department and in general. I'm just existing. I'm so alone and I can't imagine growing old and dying alone... I'd probably end it all before then anyway.

Everyone says "put yourself out there." But how? Where do I even begin? I have almost zero self confidence, and that's not a trait that women find desirable in a guy. I'm sure they also don't think very highly of someone with so little dating experience, hell, so little life experience in general.


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## victoriangirl

komorikun said:


> Yeah, me too. I just want cats. I think cause my mom had 2 cats when I was born and they used to sleep with me, I have some sort of visceral reaction to cats instead of babies. I don't have a cat right now and I'm going crazy. Whenever I see one, even in someone's window, I'm like...ohhhhh kittttie......., beauuuuutiful. :mushy


This is exactly how I feel and I suppose I am quite lucky. I never had a thing for human babies, but I see a kitten and I am in tears! I am so lucky that I have two amazing cats at home and that all other beautiful animals of the planet (except humans!) make me so happy.

Back to the topic - I cannot even imagine being in a relationship - the whole idea seems so distant and impossible to me. Even back when I was a bit social, I just could not find anyone attractive or if I did on the very rare occasion, I would even shut down further. I guess I have expected the fact that I am going to be spinster / cat woman as the years go by.


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## IcedOver

I'm to the point where I really don't care if I ever go on a date or have sex. I have far too many social, physical and psychological problems to even consider attempting to get a date at this point. It's a nice fantasy sometimes that I could get myself together enough to do it, but it's so unlikely because a) I haven't improved myself in 35 years and b) no one wants to go out with someone who is a total loser. I believe I've accepted the fact that I'm a severely, insurmountably flawed person who doesn't deserve much, and who certainly shouldn't be attempting to entangle his problems with the life of someone else, even for a brief period.


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## Loser Name

I'm 28 so it's a a time to start lurk this subforum. Never had a girlfriend since childhood, complete virgin with nasty phimosis. :afr Never dared to even try. I'm unemployed M.Sc on the edge of getting disability benefits for psychological reasons so yeah... It makes me wonder if I'll let myself to survive to my 30's.


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## Nada

I'm going to be 30 soon. Even though I had girlfriends and so called relationships, they never really lasted. I've always said I'm cursed where within 30 days or less my relationship will fall apart. 

Honestly, I'm not unhappy about it. Since I keep myself preoccupied, I don't really think about it. However it would be nice to have that special someone to scratch my back because I love getting back scratches


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## mzmz

*I think staying in makes it worse*

Even if you just go talk to a salesperson its better then being all alone.
Loneliness kills. I just checked out the AS activity crowd in NYC and I think i'm going to go meet some people At least i will be around others who understand what its like. And i'll get out of this apartment! Yes!


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## CipherAgent

I'm 31, a virgin, and I've never even kissed. To be honest, at this point I've stopped caring about such things. I've pretty much given up on female companionship. Some people never get married or have children. I guess I'm one of them.


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## Lonelyguy

I turn 37 in four months and I've never had any kind of real relationship. Never been on what I would consider a date, never experienced any kind of physical intimacy like kissing, holding hands, cuddling, or sex. I've spent over half of my life trying but every time I've ever tried to get close to someone I just get rejected and hurt. At this point I've grown numb to it. I've been rejected so many times it feels pointless to even try anymore because I can't stand putting myself through the pain of rejection over and over again when the outcome is always the same. I've put up walls and isolated myself as much as possible, outside of work and my parents I don't really talk to anyone. The thought of being in a real relationship has become such a fantasy to me it doesn't even seem realistic anymore.


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## minimized

I don't even dream about relationships anymore, lol.


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## 67budp

Is there anyone out their in their thirties that actually overcame their fears and got into a relationship finally. I need to hear that this is still possible. These posts are all making me feel hopeless.


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## dirsad

WintersTale said:


> This will probably be me in a year.


This will be me in a decade. 

I'm 20. I had a number of girls interested in me back in high school and I was interested in them too, but I didn't know how to handle it, so I just shrugged them off...come to think of it, I still don't know how to handle it should the occasion rise again. And now my SA problem is worse, so I'm not really around girls anymore.

On the bright side (well, not exactly bright), two of the said girls ended up pregnant as sophomores in college. So perhaps I dodged a bullet?


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## gaz

Anyone else not even making an effort to meet someone?

I find myself feeling depressed at not having anyone yet i make no effort to meet anyone. I think it's a fear of rejection which stops me. Also i always seem to be busy.


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## nemesis1

gaz said:


> Anyone else not even making an effort to meet someone?
> 
> I find myself feeling depressed at not having anyone yet i make no effort to meet anyone. I think it's a fear of rejection which stops me. Also i always seem to be busy.


The only effort i make is using dating sites, which ive pretty much given up on too.

I went on a rare night out on friday and told myself i would at least try and talk to a woman, but couldnt bring myself to do it, even when drunk. My fear of rejection is way too intense.


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## DeeperUnderstanding

nemesis1 said:


> The only effort i make is using dating sites, which ive pretty much given up on too.
> 
> I went on a rare night out on friday and told myself i would at least try and talk to a woman, but couldnt bring myself to do it, even when drunk. My fear of rejection is way too intense.


Hey, I was at a concert on Saturday night, and had two college cuties to my left. Yes fans, too! (since it was a Jon Anderson concert.)

I couldn't even look at them, which was pathetic.


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## mzmz

*maybe it helps....*



67budp said:


> Is there anyone out their in their thirties that actually overcame their fears and got into a relationship finally. I need to hear that this is still possible. These posts are all making me feel hopeless.


I've dated, just not for long. Iv'e also "jumped into" relationships, but the few times that happened, it was becuase they were abusive and minipulive, and wanted to be co-dependent. I also was settling. Eventually, i left these guys, and they never lasted a year (thankfully, but when i;m asked what my longest relationship was, i have to say 9 monthes and people look at me funny. For some, this is a red flag, and they lose all interest)
I could have stayed in these very unhealthy relationships, but i think it would be better to not be abused.


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## Johnny_Genome

67budp said:


> Is there anyone out their in their thirties that actually overcame their fears and got into a relationship finally. I need to hear that this is still possible. These posts are all making me feel hopeless.


I did. Part of my issues in my 20's was anxiety, and part was just being too logical about relationships which are often illogical to me and driven by emotions and impulse.

About six years ago, I met a girl, and she really liked me and I liked her. She was younger than me by almost a decade, and I thought I was doing her a favor by 'letting her go' and not getting involved with her. She had the whole world in front of her and wanted to live in a different city and do all these things, but I had already gone through that and had a life I had built. In short I didn't want to hold her back, and have her regretting she did not go and pursue the things she wanted.

Fast forward six years, I had moved to the other side if the country and had little contact with her. Out of nowhere, she moves to my city, we reconnect and now we are in a great relationship. Part of it was simply timing, Anything is possible.


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## RiversEdge

nemesis1 said:


> The only effort i make is using dating sites, which ive pretty much given up on too.
> 
> I went on a rare night out on friday and told myself i would at least try and talk to a woman, but couldnt bring myself to do it, even when drunk. My fear of rejection is way too intense.


You know what would may help you be more confident - is if you talked
to girls online -- join a chat site -- not a dating site - a chat site, you make
your own personality profile page - then join chat rooms and in time you
meet friends or other people if you join in conversations -- it will help you
to express who you are and see that other people ---- are just people ---
just like you.

You beat yourself down so much and worry about what others think and family members opinions that it's stressing you out.

Just be happy with you....things are what they are -- it's making it worse
for you that you are trying to live up to all these expectations.
Move all of what everyone ELSE wants or thinks should be and ask yourself
what makes YOU happy. 
This is your life.


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## gaz

nemesis1 said:


> The only effort i make is using dating sites, which ive pretty much given up on too.
> 
> I went on a rare night out on friday and told myself i would at least try and talk to a woman, but couldnt bring myself to do it, even when drunk. My fear of rejection is way too intense.


Well you are one ahead of me by actually going on nights out, i'm a recluse/hermit whatever you choose to call it. I'm not exactly making myself available by hiding in the house all the time so any chance of meeting a woman is non existant. I spend all my time alone doing my hobbies, kind of like hiding in my own world.

The fear of rejection is what bothers me more than social anxiety. Looking for a girlfriend is like looking for a job, one must put up with the rejection. I am more accepting of job rejections because they are not a personal rejection in the way being rejected by a woman.


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## gaz

joinmartin said:


> How can rejection from a woman who does not know who you are be a personal rejection?
> 
> They can't reject who you are? They don't know who that is. All they can ever do is reject an option you offer them.
> 
> I went out again last night by myself to a gig. Had a lot of fun. I originally was going to make the night about approaching women but then I thought to myself and thought: "right now, that's not a good idea". Because, the minute it becomes about having to approach people, it feels pressured and takes the fun out of everything.
> 
> Of course I could approach if the chance came and I wanted to. But to make a night about approaching women would just feel like an ordeal. An ordeal of my own making.
> 
> Instead, I enjoyed the gig and spent my time holding my energy so that I was comfortable being in large groups of people. Something that's been tricky since the accident.
> 
> If you have a hobby, chances are, other people have that hobby too. So go find the women who enjoy that hobby. Doing that gives you heaps of conversation starters too since you're both interested in the same subject/hobby.


Fair point. I suppose what i am getting at i would take rejection personally, i would be thinking why she does not see me in a romantic sense. I'd be pondering ''am i not good looking enough, funny enough, rich enough, interesting enough?'' My brain won't shut up with this analytical crap.


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## lonesomeboy

Same boat if its any consolation. I don't even try any more, though I barely tried in the past. I just sit at home 99% of the time when I am not at work. I don't go out or socialize or anything, essentially a hermit.


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## vlad soma

Hey guys, I'm new here. I'm 32, single and Ive never had a real relationship either. Ive just thought of something that might help us all stop feeling so
ashamed/guilty from our lack of relationships. What we have to remember is 1. It doesnt matter what other people think. and 2. You know you are a good person! You the know the reason why you havent had a relationship yet. 
Its because of SAD! Its not because your a bad person. Dont forget this! 
Having SAD is nothing to feel guilty about. Youre not alone here. SAD just makes it hard for us to show people what we are really like. Its not because we dont have anything good to show them. Having SAD isnt that different than just having a lack of confidence. 
Will any of us be confident enough to respond to "Why are you single" with "Well, I have social anxiety disorder. I just means I'm really shy but I've been pretty good with it lately. I'm talking to you right? So, how about you, Why are you single?"
Just admitting it like that shows confidence. Would that person immediately stop talking to you now because of it? I dont think they would. It would show confidence admitting it. 
Listen, Ive never done that before. Its a fight for me, just like all of you. But its important to remember that we havent had relationships because of SAD, not because we're bad people. So we have no real reason to beat ourselves up. Just our irrational fears. Heres something that I came up with that I say to myself sometimes when I'm feeling anxious. "There is no anxiety, only excitement for the challenge that I am about to overcome" 
And this poem by bukowski that blew my mind when I was feeling really depressed once.
-Oh yes
there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often 
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than 
too late. -


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## silent treatment

I'm 41 but i can't say i'm in any way ashamed of never having been in a relationship..there may be good reasons why someone can't form relationships..in some ways i'm quite proud of getting this far alone


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## AK32

cedward said:


> I'm 25 but that's old enough and I know how you guys feel...most people even lose their virginity at 17.
> 
> I don't like lying about this...specially to coworkers....but otherwise I would be considered a weirdo and stop respecting me.


I know what you mean. Because of some bad experiences as a teenager I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 years old, & I haven't had sex since & I'm now 33 years old. I don't talk about sex with anyone, & if someone brings it up I lie or I change the subject all together. Because you're right it is embarrassing, I wish it wasn't but it is.


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## AK32

lonesomeboy said:


> Same boat if its any consolation. I don't even try any more, though I barely tried in the past. I just sit at home 99% of the time when I am not at work. I don't go out or socialize or anything, essentially a hermit.


I know how you feel, my family makes fun of me all the time, calling me a hermit because I would rather stay at home then go out.


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## gaz

AK32 said:


> I know how you feel, my family makes fun of me all the time, calling me a hermit because I would rather stay at home then go out.


My story too. The only social life i have is going to a gun club once a week, but it comprises of older men 50 and over age. I have no where i can meet women, and i don't make an effort to go out to bars and places.


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## pumpkinspice

gaz said:


> Anyone else not even making an effort to meet someone?
> 
> I find myself feeling depressed at not having anyone yet i make no effort to meet anyone. I think it's a fear of rejection which stops me. Also i always seem to be busy.


Yep same here. I don't see a point to it anymore plus I hardly ever leave my house which is my "safety zone". However, the only thing I'm _busy_ doing is avoiding the outside world. . I have no life outside of the internet.


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## millenniumman75

gaz said:


> Anyone else not even making an effort to meet someone?
> 
> I find myself feeling depressed at not having anyone yet i make no effort to meet anyone. I think it's a fear of rejection which stops me. Also i always seem to be busy.


I just go about my business - I am sure girls notice me, but I don't want to pay attention. I am accomplishing too much. :lol


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## DeeperUnderstanding

silent treatment said:


> I'm 41 but i can't say i'm in any way ashamed of never having been in a relationship..there may be good reasons why someone can't form relationships..in some ways i'm quite proud of getting this far alone


I know what you mean.

For those that say, "I haven't had sex in 6 months, I'm going crazy!", I can't help but pity those people. They are weak.

I have had a sex drive since I was 11. That is 18 years of being without sex, and having sexual feelings towards girls/women. Clearly, I must be doing something right, if I haven't gone out and lost it to a hooker or someone scuzzy already!


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## falling down

Just shoot me.


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## IcedOver

This has been bothering me lately. I think it has something to do with the season. Right around this time the past few years, I've been more focused on the idea of trying to get a date. It actually started five years ago at age 30, right around the time I joined this site. At that time, I was very depressed and discovered this site and a few others that dealt with personal problems. The discussions and different perspectives helped me focus on what my problems were and realize that I had to do something about it. 

Dating was one thing I felt I had to "correct". I'd never been on a date, and I say with all honesty that, until 2007, I had never even considered attempting to get a date. It just wasn't in my "life vocabulary". Sometime in 2007, I said to myself that I was going to force myself to go on one date before the year was over. However, I made that contingent on getting a better job, sprucing up my apartment and other things (i.e., I wouldn't allow myself to pursue dating until I had done that stuff). Of course I let the year pass without doing any of it. Each year since I've made a similar promise to myself, and each year I've broken it, so that now, five years later, I'm at the same job, my minuscule apartment still sucks, and I've not attempted to get one date aside from joining some dating sites (without sending out any really serious messages). 

So yet again, as Spring approaches and I inexplicably become more interested in women and sex and all that, I find myself pledging that I'll do these things. However, added to that list is something upcoming that I alluded to in a thread I made a few weeks ago that is causing me great stress, and I mean EXTREME worry and thoughts of self-harm if it doesn't go well (I won't say what it is because I don't want to discuss it). As much as I think that I might want to send out some messages on dating sites and really give it a try, that is in the back of my mind as an impediment. Oh, well.


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## shadowmask

I hardly care about a relationship anymore, just sex. I can't even get that, though. Funny enough, a one night stand would probably be a lot harder for me to come by because I'd have to rely on good looks and game, both of which I'm completely devoid of. Seems like prostitutes are the only option, but I'm not quite willing to go for that...yet. In a year or two I bet I'll give in.


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## millenniumman75

silent treatment said:


> I'm 41 but i can't say i'm in any way ashamed of never having been in a relationship..there may be good reasons why someone can't form relationships..in some ways i'm quite proud of getting this far alone


It is interesting how this is true.
I managed to get through my father's death, and handling his estate (with limited help from my brother) and am now taking care of a house and paying all the bills (limited help - his name is also on the house through inheritance)....but I paid everything by myself for most of 2007 after my father died....way overextended myself financially and survived.

There are also issues with my mother....it's like I am facing things alone at 36 that most people twice my age (and married) can't even face!

I can't see myself getting so enmeshed with my future wife that "I can't live without her" <- I NEVER want to get that way. If I had to live on my own, I can do it. Not every guy can say that.


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## RiversEdge

You know, it's not that easy to meet people - especially if you aren't social and go out to clubs, parties, bars, etc. 
Even if you are attractive, it's not like (guys) just walk up to you at a bank or in a store and ask you out or approach you at all. It can happen, but it just doesn't seem to work that way -- if you just go to work and home -- everyone seems so busy and on the go all the time. 
I have been in relationships, but I totally do understand and top that with the possibility that you have social anxiety - it makes it way harder to find someone.
If your family isn't supportive and understanding, it's not your fault.


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## IcedOver

shadowmask said:


> I hardly care about a relationship anymore, just sex. I can't even get that, though. Funny enough, a one night stand would probably be a lot harder for me to come by because I'd have to rely on good looks and game, both of which I'm completely devoid of. Seems like prostitutes are the only option, but I'm not quite willing to go for that...yet. In a year or two I bet I'll give in.


Me too, except for hiring a prostitute. I wouldn't do a one-night stand to lose my virginity (at least I don't believe so), but I don't have a desire to have a really long relationship with someone. The problem is that I'm just as far as I've ever been from being able to date since I first got preoccupied with it five years ago. Lately I've been getting antsy about the physical stuff, and realizing my age, and that I just can't procrastinate anymore. It doesn't help that I've been unnaturally depressed this entire year.


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## shadowmask

Hm, maybe it was wrong to say I don't care. Deep down, I do, but I no longer have any faith in "true" love, at least the way I think of it, and anything less isn't worth my time. If I can't have the emotional then the physical will have to do. I'd probably end up regretting losing my virginity to a hired girl, but the way I look at it, I can either regret that or regret never knowing it. I mean, I'm sure with enough effort and patience I could find someone who isn't dissuaded by my inexperience, but in that case I'm afraid of getting attached and having my heart broken all over again. idk...you could say it's giving up, or the easy way out, but I could live with it. I think.


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## howard26

I don't try anymore, because it seems that i'm not myself when i'm trying. I'm sort of worried that i'm starting to loathe women. I know they won't give me the time of day, so i'm sort of rude to them, or won't look at them at the grocery store and stuff. Weird huh? I guess i want to get them, before they get me. The other day this stupid girl blurts out "why aren't you married?!" I told her that i didn't know it was a requirement, and she was dumbfounded. But, i sure do like the way they look At this point, it's kind of scary to imagine living with a female, because i'm used to being alone. In the back of my mind , i sort of feel that it will happen, because i'm a genuine guy, but no dating sites for me.


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## NoName99

I've gone on two dates with two girls I met on dating sites, but it went nowhere. I'm trying to get more dates, but I have little hope. There aren't many girls near me, for one, and it seems they only reply to me when they have nothing better to do. I'm going to try posting ads on sites of the likes of craigslist, but I don't see much future there either. IRL I simply can't take the initiative, even if I'm lucky enough to have the opportunity, which is rare. What I really want to do is give up, but I can't bring myself to do that either. I can't accept that I'll be alone forever.


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## hypestyle

shadowmask said:


> I hardly care about a relationship anymore, just sex. I can't even get that, though. Funny enough, a one night stand would probably be a lot harder for me to come by because I'd have to rely on good looks and game, both of which I'm completely devoid of. Seems like prostitutes are the only option, but I'm not quite willing to go for that...yet. In a year or two I bet I'll give in.


I can relate, being a 30+ year old guy without ever any girlfriends sucks..


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## Lonely Star

Never been in a relationship is something that bothers me the older get. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. It really gets me down.


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## The Sleeping Dragon

WintersTale said:


> This will probably be me in a year.


Same.


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## GregW

I'm 44 and still hopeful, even if it's just a close friendship with a lady who could respect and care about a guy who is very shy and reserved. Quite possible naive and self delusional, I know, but while there's life there's still hope!


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## pisceskyuu

maybe there should be an e-group for this as this site seems like a decent place to find people with similar interests that could lead to relationships.


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## patheticiq

Nada said:


> However it would be nice to have that special someone to scratch my back because I love getting back scratches


This is funny but I always think that , I want someone for scratching ...Scratching back ,arms , head...I can scratch my head and arms but it is more comfortable someone slowly scratching with long nailes , I love that ... By the way I never had a gf , actually I had my chances a couple of times.... One time one of the girls from same class asked me if I want a massage for my back , damn it was very comfortable ...May be she wanted to give me a message with a massage ,but actually she was too much for me , I don't know but after the massage I left quickly from near her ...And also a couple of ones ...But I always afraided to get initiated with a woman ... I feel more angry myself than embarrsaing


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## cloister2

Yes, it certainly hasn't helped me that girls aren't enthusiastic about me.


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