# I want a man



## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

How do I get one?

I'll be frank and say that I have very little experience with relationships. In fact, it would be more honest to say I have _no_ experience with relationships. The age does bother me sometimes considering I am constantly surrounded by younger people who seem to know what they are doing when it comes to this matter. I am 25 years old. I am lonely. And I want a nice guy to spend my time with. Finding someone is another matter.. I know many people on SAS have the same problem. As I said, I'm inexperienced. Whether or not this is will bother most guys I haven't a clue.

An issue I have is trust in other people. I simply do not have the energy to play games with someone at this point in time. However it seems that is the goal for the guys who do occasionally approach me. I'm also afraid; wanting someone special in my life for so long has made me more vulnerable and I fear the odds of falling for a person who will take advantage of this is more likely to happen. So I tend to keep a wall around me. It's frustrating since I only want to meet a person who is genuinely interested in me and not in using me for some sort of gain (or ego boost). But how do you tell without things going to far?

Another issue is looks. I'm not very confident in my appearace but I don't believe I am hideous.. But in this materialistic reality I think looks is a key thing for guys as much as for girls. I cannot date someone I am not attracted to on some level so I wouldn't be surprised vice-versa. However, I often become discouraged with the amount of gorgeous women running around in the city. Why would a decent guy even bother with someone like myself.

Wouldn't it be funny if there were workshops for inexperienced people to learn little things like flirting and approaching someone?

Any advice?


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

I'm one year older than you, but I am in the same position. :squeeze Only, I'm a guy. And if you find the right person, they won't care about your past.

I'm not sure how other people learned how find and hold onto someone they really like either. :stu 

In Toronto there should be coed rec leagues for sports like volleyball, tennis & softball that you could meet people at. But figuring out who is genuinely good and wants to be with you (and not have drama and breakups), versus someone who just wants to use you for an ego boost is one of those skills most women have. A lot of them test their guy they are seeing early on in the relationship to see if they care enough for her. If you don't know how to do this, you should take a trip to the local bookstore and look in the relationship section.


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## Tommy1 (Sep 26, 2006)

I am also 25 and in the same situation.



> Wouldn't it be funny if there were workshops for inexperienced people to learn little things like flirting and approaching someone?


There are, at least here. But it is shown on TV for everyone else's amusement. :sigh


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## redkit (Mar 14, 2006)

I am a man but I dont want any woman.
If have enough experiences with women to hate them.
I am 43. divorced.


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## BMSMA1A2B3 (Apr 7, 2006)

*I'm a man!*

woo! I'm a man!!

25/M/California

Available.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I know how you feel. I hate the way I look, I hate my personality, and I can't imagine someone wanting to ask me out unless it was a part of an elaborate joke. I feel jealous when I see people younger than I am (or my age) with a lot more experience. I simply wish it could be me. If I thought of myself as attractive and had a likable personality, I would, perhaps, take the initiative and ask someone out. As it is right now, people would laugh in my face.


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## BMSMA1A2B3 (Apr 7, 2006)

Drella's_Rock_Follies said:


> I hate the way I look,


I'm as fugly as an Iraqi day is hot, but I don't care.  Doesn't stop me!


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm a man. A manly man who wears tights, incidentally.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Classified said:


> In Toronto there should be coed rec leagues for sports like volleyball, tennis & softball that you could meet people at. But figuring out who is genuinely good and wants to be with you (and not have drama and breakups), versus someone who just wants to use you for an ego boost is one of those skills most women have. A lot of them test their guy they are seeing early on in the relationship to see if they care enough for her. If you don't know how to do this, you should take a trip to the local bookstore and look in the relationship section.


 On some level I think I can distinguish between the two.. but I am often uncertain. Maybe a trip to the bookstore will help... I didn't even think there would be books on this sort of thing.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Tommy1 said:


> I am also 25 and in the same situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 That's awful. If only things like Extreme Makeover existed _off_camera... :fall


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## jtb3485 (Nov 9, 2003)

I'm a man also. Ok not really a man but more of a little boy who is old enough and tall enough to pass for a man.


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## ladybugs (Jun 14, 2006)

Well, I'm actually scared of being in a relationship, but I wouldn't mind having a lover...

Like that old John Mellencamp song goes, "I need a lover who won't drive me crazy...someone who knows the meaning of hey, hit the highway..."


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## R (Jun 13, 2006)

I have got to move to canada, so many single women.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

dez said:


> How do I get one?
> 
> I'll be frank and say that I have very little experience with relationships. In fact, it would be more honest to say I have _no_ experience with relationships. The age does bother me sometimes considering I am constantly surrounded by younger people who seem to know what they are doing when it comes to this matter. I am 25 years old. I am lonely. And I want a nice guy to spend my time with. Finding someone is another matter.. I know many people on SAS have the same problem. As I said, I'm inexperienced. Whether or not this is will bother most guys I haven't a clue.
> 
> ...


I have a problem with trust too. Don't let the gorgeous women make you feel discouraged. I see hot women all over sure; but what I consider a quality woman, difficult to locate. Women are becoming as crappy as guys.

I think what people like you and me must accept is, you have to open up and realize that there may be a high liklihood of getting hurt but staying in a shell won't allow us to find that quality person unless we get really lucky. We have 2 options. Step out and start looking or stay in our shells and accept the sinlge life. It's funny how your tastes change overtime. When I was in my early teens all that I saw was physical appearance; that's all that mattered. Now I seem to look past that and would take quality person over high quality appearance. Glad I didn't get married between the ages of 18-20.


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## Redox (Jan 20, 2006)

dez said:


> An issue I have is trust in other people. I simply do not have the energy to play games with someone at this point in time. However it seems that is the goal for the guys who do occasionally approach me. I'm also afraid; wanting someone special in my life for so long has made me more vulnerable and I fear the odds of falling for a person who will take advantage of this is more likely to happen. So I tend to keep a wall around me. It's frustrating since I only want to meet a person who is genuinely interested in me and not in using me for some sort of gain (or ego boost). But how do you tell without things going to far?
> 
> Another issue is looks. I'm not very confident in my appearace but I don't believe I am hideous.. But in this materialistic reality I think looks is a key thing for guys as much as for girls. I cannot date someone I am not attracted to on some level so I wouldn't be surprised vice-versa. However, I often become discouraged with the amount of gorgeous women running around in the city. Why would a decent guy even bother with someone like myself.
> 
> ...


The majority of my problems with meeting guys have to do with what you've described.



> feel jealous when I see people younger than I am (or my age) with a lot more experience. I simply wish it could be me.


me too.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

scairy said:


> I think what people like you and me must accept is, you have to open up and realize that there may be a high liklihood of getting hurt but staying in a shell won't allow us to find that quality person unless we get really lucky. We have 2 options. Step out and start looking or stay in our shells and accept the sinlge life. It's funny how your tastes change overtime. When I was in my early teens all that I saw was physical appearance; that's all that mattered. Now I seem to look past that and would take quality person over high quality appearance. Glad I didn't get married between the ages of 18-20.


Odd I realize getting hurt is a risk you take in any relationship but I can't seem to move beyond the fear of this happening. Being unsuccessful and crushed by life is a trepidation I carry based of bad circumstances. To add the likelihood of being hurt by someone on such a delicate level... I fear it would destroy me. But what options do I have?


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## itsmemaggi (Sep 26, 2005)

Cerberus said:


> I'm a man. A manly man who wears tights, incidentally.


We're men! We're men in tights -- TIGHT -- tights! We roam around the forest looking for fights! We're men! We're men in tiiiiiiights! We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right! We may look like pansies! But watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights! We're men! We're men in tights! Always on guard defending the people's rights!

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. 

xoxo
Maggi


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Eight days since I opened the thread and I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm begining to wonder if this is a feat worth pursuing. There are plenty of people oncampus but I don't know how to go about meeting them without feeling like a complete idiot. How did you non-single SAers do it? I hate being clueless and inexperienced... it's just another blow to what little self esteme I have left. I'm begining to think I'll have to resign to a life of living alone with a bunch of cats.


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## SADLiath (Aug 5, 2005)

dez said:


> I'm begining to think I'll have to resign to a life of living alone with a bunch of cats.


If I had just let things be, I'd be a crazy cat lady. But hey, I'm crazy anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a stretch. 

I thought I'd look up a few things for you, since you were thinking about buying a book ... figured you like reading about things before you try them.

This one is called *Find a Man in 30 Days*.
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/meetmarket ... hs,00.html
It seems okay, but the "socialize" part would be hard without more guidance.

There's also this one, from Cosmopolitan.
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopoli ... 12,00.html
Same as the other ... doesn't really account for shyness.

BUT there are some good ideas in both. Nice examples of places to meet guys. You could read them and see if any sound like things you would be willing to do. You don't have to do the whole 30-day thing. Or you could, if you really want a challenge.

So ... read them and let me know what you think! Something in there might seem helpful. Good luck!


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

The 30 day thing may be too much for me...considering I'm only a novice. But they sound like okay reads. I'll take a peek and maybe they'll even be helpful. Thanks for the links.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

SADLiath said:


> So ... read them and let me know what you think! Something in there might seem helpful. Good luck!


So far I read the article from Cosmopolitan. You were right, the ideas don't seem to account for shyness at all...



> Day 28: Perfect your come-hither look. Tilt your head slightly down and to the side, then look up from under your lashes and smile. This pose shows guys it's okay to approach.
> 
> Day 27: Men tend to be intimidated by a pack of chicks, so hit up a bar with just two friends. If you see a guy you like, pull away slightly from your pals and scan the room. When your eyes fall on your target, shoot him "the look." It'll give him a free-and-clear pickup opportunity.
> 
> Day 26: You've mastered seductive body lingo; now cast a wider net and make eyes at every cute guy you see.


I've seen this in movies and in fiction but I didn't realize people actual use this method in reality. Seems kind of silly but if it works... yeah, I just visualized myself trying to perfect "the look" and it was drop dead funny. :lol



> Day 23: Instead of eating lunch indoors (um, you're not going to find a man at your desk), stroll around a busy part of town. When you spot a cute guy in a café or on a park bench, sit near him and try to catch his eye.


Sounds reasonable... hm, I think I can do that. I just need to prep myself for the possiblity of the guy runinng away if I sit near him. :lol



> Day 8: "Accidentally" bump into a sexy man when you're at the grocery store. It's an instant convo starter (hey, you gotta say "sorry"), and the physical contact from your little collision makes the exchange more intimate.


 Seems kind of cheesy. I've bumped into plenty of people but nothing ever came of it. They'd just appologize and continue on their way. :stu


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

dez said:


> SADLiath said:
> 
> 
> > So ... read them and let me know what you think! Something in there might seem helpful. Good luck!
> ...


Sounds reasonable... hm, I think I can do that. I just need to prep myself for the possiblity of the guy runinng away if I sit near him. :lol



> Day 8: "Accidentally" bump into a sexy man when you're at the grocery store. It's an instant convo starter (hey, you gotta say "sorry"), and the physical contact from your little collision makes the exchange more intimate.


 Seems kind of cheesy. I've bumped into plenty of people but nothing ever came of it. They'd just appologize and continue on their way. :stu[/quote:799ae]

I dont really think trying to meet people in places like a supermarket, where men generally want to get the hell out of as soon as possible is going to work 

Its probably best to approach people when they have more time, when there in casual mode. Thats why bars and clubs still exist, people go there with the intention of meeting other people and having a chat...there not generally in a hurry.

I think thats the key...to approach people at a time when they seem to be relaxed and not in a hurry. Wherever shopping is involved, its generally a given the guy wants to get it over and done with asap. ESCAPE!!! 
:lol


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I want a man, but I would settle for a mannequinn.


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## mismac (Oct 27, 2005)

Drella's_Rock_Follies said:


> I want a man, but I would settle for a mannequinn.


http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... hp?t=54812 :lol


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## SADLiath (Aug 5, 2005)

Yeah, I know they're kind of cheesy.

But maybe they're okay ideas with some modifications. Like meeting a guy in the supermarket. I doubt a guy who's shopping would stop to talk, but I did make friends with a guy who works at the grocery store.

My car's battery was dead one day; he saw me standing there waiting for my fiance and came over to ask if he could help. I saw him the next time I went shopping and he said hi, asked if my car was okay, stuff like that. If I was aching for a relationship, I bet I could arrange to run into him again and maybe start talking more.

Maybe some of the other ones could work that way. Like you might not talk to a guy at the coffee shop, but if you go every day and a cute guy works there, he might start talking to you.

Just some thoughts.


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## Optimistic (Nov 4, 2006)

As you are walking along a pathway there on campus, you can accidently on purpose drop your books right next to a guy who you find attractive. If he's any kind of gentleman, he'll offer to help you pick up what you've dropped. Whether this sounds cheesy or not, it doesn't matter. The point is that it may open doors for light convo.

What can you say? Well, first of all, he may be in a hurry to go somewhere, so don't expect it to work exactly to your expectations every time. Instead of considering you a klutz, most guys will relish the opportunity to help a girl out and appreciate a little human vulnerability in her. This is a way to remove the barriers, because although a lot of guys would like to approach a girl, they worry about being shot down or having to try to penetrate the shield of her distrust.

And instead of just saying "thanks" and walking off, talk about the accident. Maybe you could remark kiddingly that you must have carpal tunnel syndrome and your arm just gave out, or say that you can't believe what you've just done and how embarassed you are about it, and then talk about how you appreciate his help. Being able to deal with this little example of embarassment may also help you in realizing that all does not have to be perfect in relating to a guy.

Bumping into somebody, as mentioned earlier, might also work, but I am not sure if it's the best tactic to make connections. It could be followed up by such things as, "Oh, wow, I am sorry. I hope I didn't hurt you or anything." To which he would probably reply: "Oh, that's all right. I'm O.K." To which you could follow: "Oh, but if you find bruises on your body tomorrow, you won't sue me or anything, will you? (followed by a grin or laughter).

The point is not to worry whether they're cheesy or trite. The point is to set up a situation for interaction that may or may not lead to more meaningful interaction.

(I'm not an expert on this, but I hope it helps )


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## enlydiazee (Feb 20, 2004)

I like that last post...it poses the possibilities of so many contrived scenerios...how about falling down a flight of stairs in front of someone that interests you? or maybe spilling your bottle down the front of your top and asking for a piece of his apparel to dry yourself...or shivering in his presence and ask if you could borrow his jacket/sweatshirt...or just plain break down and cry in front of him. Guys like to be heroes...if you seem more vulnerable, they will feel more confident...but what happens when they find out they were played....I guess it really doesn't matter, since in the end, love conquers all.
I love these relationship topics, cause it really is all about connecting with someone that puts a spark in your life....that is what life is about...wanting to connect with someone.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Falling down a flight of stairs sounds painful... :shock but at this point I suppose I could live with it as oppose to the agony of being alone.  

I appreciate the suggests. Some of the ones in the article were cheesy and cliche but if they bring in results I'll have to give 'em a try. In fact, I performed one on campus (completly by accident) when I dropped my books in front of a guy that seemed ok. He helped me with them but he also seemed to be on a hurry to be somewhere... so I let him go. There wasn't much of a conversation. :sigh

Another weekend alone. How depressing. Why is it the guys I have an interest in are either unavailable or constantly blab about hot chicks they wish they could hook up with. That is such a blow to my self-esteem. :bah


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

I don't know if you really want one. We're not that great.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Zephyr said:


> I don't know if you really want one. We're not that great.


Neither am I... but I often wish I could be to someone. And perhaps someone will find the same in myself.

Maybe it's the unhappiness I feel overall. I often wish I could just crawl under the earth and let it absorb the darkness, the sadness.

Thankful these days I spend a little time with a friend which has helped tremedously. But overall I am mostly alone. Even when I'm around a group of people, I am alone.

I just want something more that is worthwhile in my life.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> Day 27: Men tend to be intimidated by a pack of chicks, so hit up a bar with just two friends. If you see a guy you like, pull away slightly from your pals and scan the room. When your eyes fall on your target, shoot him "the look." It'll give him a free-and-clear pickup opportunity.


Or you could actually walk up and talk to him, instead of worrying about giving pickup opportunities or whatever.



> I love these relationship topics, cause it really is all about connecting with someone that puts a spark in your life....that is what life is about...wanting to connect with someone.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

nevermind


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Njodis said:


> nevermind


Now you've just made me curious.


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## njodis (Nov 8, 2006)

Ah, don't worry. I was just making one of my token self-pitying posts and then decided to delete it.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Just an update...

The other day at a crowded Subway store I noticed an okay guy. He kept glancing over in my direction. It's in situations like these where I have no idea what to do. I smiled... but I felt like a buffoon, that I should have done something else. But what?

Another lady standing infront of me in the line-up asked me for directions... maybe I could've done something similar to the guy at Subway? Although, I really didn't need directions but that is besides the point...


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

It's funny, I've never thought of it from the other side before, since I'm a guy. 

Wear something revealing, walk up to a guy and say "are you feeling lucky tonight?" haha jk

I actually think that would work, but that would not be the right kind of attention. 

For some reason, most girls don't like approaching, even the outgoing ones. But if you do decide to do that, you can talk about anything really.

I know some girls who won't approach, but what they will do is make eye contact and smile. 

I guess you could just do the same things that I guy in your situation would do, and that is to get out more and meet more people.


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## Meee (Oct 24, 2005)

dez said:


> The other day at a crowded Subway store I noticed an okay guy. He kept glancing over in my direction. It's in situations like these where I have no idea what to do. I smiled... but I felt like a buffoon, that I should have done something else. But what?
> 
> Another lady standing infront of me in the line-up asked me for directions... maybe I could've done something similar to the guy at Subway? Although, I really didn't need directions but that is besides the point...


I remember a while back some girl started talking to me at a bus stop near the uni by asking me for the time. I'm not sure if she was interested in me or just a generally talkative person.. but anyway, i didn't really care how she started the conversation. I don't think it matters that much.


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## Strength (Aug 12, 2006)

You should be more forward. A lot of guys are just kind of clueless about signals. I remember in 1st year university, this girl I barely knew said something like "yeah we should go hang out sometime.....some of my friends are gonna be at the bar with me this friday night...you should definetly come"
She wasn't my type, but at the time, I had no idea what that meant. It never occured to me that she was probably interested in me.


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

Yeah, I've tried signals a couple times but I don't think anyone is registering them. To be honest, I'm a bit clueless to whether or not someone is giving me a signal to say they're interested. I've tried to be more forward although it's difficult since I'm shy with things like this. I gave someone my number once and spoke with them when they called. Another time I even made a suggestion to a friend that we become more and he just sort of looked at me as though I had two heads. :bah 
I'm not interested in him romantically anyway... not sure why I even asked.
I haven't made any more attempts lately. Mostly because of frustration I suppose.


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## Your Lover Scrub Ducky (Jul 26, 2004)

hi dez


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## dez (Jun 25, 2005)

*Re: re: I want a man*



Canado said:


> One of the biggest problems I've heard other guys encounter are girls who are too 'needy' in the emotional department, aka they want 100% of the guys attention 99% of the time.


The opposite isn't necessarily a good thing either. I'm more likely to push someone away than to want them around 24/7.



Scrub Ducky said:


> hi dez


 Hi :lol :squeeze


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