# Healing the Inner Child



## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

I've heard of healing the inner child in the past. However, I've never really tried to heal my inner child. Not until this week...and the results have been positively surprising.

For me S.A. started when I was very young, maybe age 11. Other events were also happening in my life that affected my self-esteem so I had a lot of anxiety as a kid. For years I thought I was just shy, but I knew it was more to it once family and even strangers made comments about my social avoidance.

And then I thought, " I'm 21 but act 12 sometimes." Then I remembered inner child therapy and that my thought was the entire focus of healing. 

I needed to heal the inner me, or inner child me, that was trapped. I'd been allowing an 8 year-old little girl to handle adult situations and fears. 

This wasn't something that I was unaware of, but I finally accepted how I felt about myself as a child and how sad I was.

So I found pictures of myself at different ages. Starting from the youngest age, I talked lovingly to each picture, each me. I not only felt more love for myself (or the inner child me), I remembered what made me happy as a kid and how confident and happy I was. I continued to encourage each me and send love to each me.

When I finished the process I felt free. I haven't felt truly free in so long. It really works and I feel like I'm actually my age now, not a little girl in a woman's body.  I feel my S.A. is gradually disappearing the more I really love myself and accept myself with love and patience.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

i want to do this.

i went back home recently and looked through my pictures. in the past it was so hard to look at pictures of myself, and i didn't know why. it's getting easier now.

i got a notebook and made a page for every year of my life and wrote down important things from that year. because part of my disconnection is dissociating from the reality of my early years. 

i felt alot better, almost magically, once i listened to music that i liked as a young person and spoke lovingly to young me.

a therapist tried to go there with me four or so years ago by talking about the little me i have walled off. but i was like "nope, we're not gonna do that." i just wasn't there yet.

congratulations on moving forward.


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## Widowmaker (Jul 27, 2013)

I really like this, when no-one is looking i am sure this is something i will try.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

popeet said:


> i want to do this.
> 
> i went back home recently and looked through my pictures. in the past it was so hard to look at pictures of myself, and i didn't know why. it's getting easier now.
> 
> ...


I'm glad it's getting easier for you to connect with your inner child I believe so much of S.A. starts in childhood because it's the time we need the most approval. If we didn't get it or it wasn't given in a healthy way we struggle later on, albeit silently and anxiously, to regain self-acceptance. The little you thanks you for your courage and love .


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Widowmaker said:


> I really like this, when no-one is looking i am sure this is something i will try.


You should try it . Even if someone is around you can connect with your inner child. For example, instead of watching the news, watch one of your favorite childhood movies. Or buy your favorite childhood candy or just be silly for a few minutes. The inner us never leaves us, but we have to let them go. We have to free them from their prisons and acknowledge it's time we (our present selves) take the reigns. It's a very loving experience (or can be) and it releases so much pain.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

When did you do this? I'm curious to know if these positive effects can last over the long-haul?


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Still Waters said:


> When did you do this? I'm curious to know if these positive effects can last over the long-haul?


I've been doing a lot of self-help exercises and hypnosis for the past three months. I've been interested in self-help for years and meditation, as well as positive affirmations and prayer. But it wasn't until this month that I finally accepted I needed to return to my childhood. Because that's where it all began, in my childhood.

Personally, I feel most mental disorders or psychological disorders begin in the formative years. Then as we get older the events of our childhood or teen years compound whatever happens later in life.

I started doing the inner child healing this past week. It was difficult at first to look at my baby pictures. I remembered sadness, but the more I acknowledged my pain then, the more I felt like I was releasing it.

I've been being kind to my present self and childhood self for the past three days, consistently. I've even noticed a change in how others treat me. I feel more respected, more listened to, and I also feel more loving. My behavior is less anxious, more graceful. It's like my mind is catching up to my body and life. The little girl me isn't angry about this (like I'd been feeling for so long about my experiences). She (or I) is very happy and thankful to be free of all the undeserved pain and anger.

It feels almost like I've become my own parent. I don't feel over-obligated or unappreciated. I feel healthy and strong.

It really helps because if you think, (metaphorically) if time does not exist, somewhere in the universe your childhood self is a living, breathing being. You can send them (or yourself) love right now and they (you) will feel it then AND now.

Like an infinite loop of love. The sadness you felt then affects you now. Why not let the happiness you feel now affect you then?


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## NicoleLeonie (Jul 28, 2013)

cc1991 said:


> I've been doing a lot of self-help exercises and hypnosis ....


Hypnosis is work for me, it is more heal our inner world. I would recommend you all to try it.


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## ShyAries (Jul 28, 2013)

I'm in the same boat. But I sometimes accept the inner child in me . It helps me connect with children better especially since I want to be a teacher. I believe I've had SA since I was like 5 but it started showing once I got in middle school. Just turned 20 this year


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## Morris the Kat (Jul 31, 2013)

cc1991 said:


> I believe so much of S.A. starts in childhood because it's the time we need the most approval. If we didn't get it or it wasn't given in a healthy way we struggle later on, albeit silently and anxiously, to regain self-acceptance.


Nailed it. I'm a little embarassed to admit that I just cried after reading that, but it resonated with me. I am currently 28 but am emotionally 18. Sometimes a little younger than that it seems. There's a lot of painful emotions that I need to address from my childhood and I need to try to embrace my "mini-me." I always avoid looking back, always try to move forward, but this definitely sounds like something I need to do. I have a near panic attack when fronted with old home movies or some photographs. There is clearly some _undeserved_ self-loathing going on that has been holding me back quite a bit. Thanks for the inspiration!


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Morris the Kat said:


> Nailed it. I'm a little embarassed to admit that I just cried after reading that, but it resonated with me. I am currently 28 but am emotionally 18. Sometimes a little younger than that it seems. There's a lot of painful emotions that I need to address from my childhood and I need to try to embrace my "mini-me." I always avoid looking back, always try to move forward, but this definitely sounds like something I need to do. I have a near panic attack when fronted with old home movies or some photographs. There is clearly some _undeserved_ self-loathing going on that has been holding me back quite a bit. Thanks for the inspiration!


It's okay. Don't be embarrassed:hug.

Take your time remembering and facing the past. I understand it can be difficult, but I know you can do it. The little girl you will be so happy to know you're looking out for her and didn't forget her. She (you) will feel bonded and together again in time.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Seriously, though. Is there *really* a little me in there? I feel like I am small, I feel small alot. But is she, the little me, really in there?


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

popeet said:


> Seriously, though. Is there *really* a little me in there? I feel like I am small, I feel small alot. But is she, the little me, really in there?


Yes, she (you) are in there! You may feel small because the inner child (or you) is predominant in your life. It takes time and patience, but you can find her by doing child like things. Such as watching your favorite movie from childhood or even taking a nap.


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## edz (Aug 1, 2013)

Hi cc1991! I think what you said also applies to me.... I am 21 years old now but I feel like I am 16 years old. Most of my classmates way back high school are already start building their dreams and a family. While for me I think I am stuck and cannot able to move on. and I think the problem is due to SA. I have a boyfriend now and I didn't expect in my life to have one. But my point is that we all face problems in our lives whether it is in our love life, career, or any aspect of it. And its very hard for me because it feels like I am not mature enough to face it. I just feel of what you said of having an eight year old girl handle an adult situations and fear. and I think its very unfair. I would definitely try that inner child therapy. You know I really fear with my relationship with my boyfriend for now. Because he had not been approved by my parents because he lacks education. He only reach grade one. And my parents really disapprove because of how can he provide me with my needs. And I think that he would also like to give up on us. So for now I think that I just can't handle the situations. I have this problem with myself of having an SA and I have this problem with my boyfriend and my family and it feels like am an eight year old girl that can't handle the situation. All my life, I want to live in abundance in terms of love and happiness. But due to SA and having an imperfect life I think its very hard to achieve that state. It really started before when I was young. I really have a profound shyness with anyone and I think that my brain haven't been developed. I just hope that having register in this forum would help me.


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## edz (Aug 1, 2013)

Hi cc1991! I am quite confuse why I keep on remembering my past like there's something I would like to change. But we know that we can't change our past right but I just can't seem to move on... That's why I said that I am stuck.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

cc1991 said:


> Yes, she (you) are in there! You may feel small because the inner child (or you) is predominant in your life. It takes time and patience, but you can find her by doing child like things. Such as watching your favorite movie from childhood or *even taking a nap.*


lol


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

edz said:


> Hi cc1991! I am quite confuse why I keep on remembering my past like there's something I would like to change. But we know that we can't change our past right but I just can't seem to move on... That's why I said that I am stuck.


Hi  welcome to SAS.

I think it's great that you remember the past. Not to dwell on it, but to learn from it. Perhaps there's a moment in your past that really affected (or caused) your social anxiety? That could be the moment you work on with your inner child. If it feels tough talking to the inner child (you), try motivating yourself daily in the present. I bet there are many positive traits you have. And if you're happy with your boyfriend and he treats you well that's all that really matters. All else will come in time and love will grow.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

popeet said:


> lol


I mean it . Get a blanket, a stuffed animal, and tuck yourself in. Listen to a lullaby online or a children's book being read to you. Suspend all notions of the present and view yourself as a child, even if it's only for ten minutes. You'll feel happier and more energetic.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Okay. I will! I will do precisely what you recommend above.

I was laughing because lots of people think I need to take a nap. Most of the time I get the "go take a nap" look. Even when I've just had one.


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## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

The book Overcoming Stage Fright in Everyday Life deals with this. http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/051770465X I think there's something to it because a lot of how we behave socially seems out of our control and due to the subconscious. Experts on the subconsious say that it is not aware of the passage of time


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

sprinter said:


> Experts on the subconsious say that it is not aware of the passage of time


Fascinating.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

I'd like to try something like that, but I think I've repressed my childhood for so long that I can't remember so much. It's blurry. I actually looked at old pictures of me as a kid when I was at mom's, not too long ago, and it felt really weird. 

My ex did something similar in therapy where they made a "time line" of his past, step by step, session by session(and it was important that embodied the person he was at each different time). Bleh, I don't remember the details, so I can't really explain. Anyway, it was really emotional for him, but one of the best things he had experienced. I think something like that could benefit me, because I have a strong feeling that I have blocked memories.


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## dontwaitupforme (Feb 23, 2013)

This really appeals to me. I can relate to a lot that has been said here.. I'm happy to see its working out for you OP.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

probably offline said:


> I'd like to try something like that, but I think I've repressed my childhood for so long that I can't remember so much. It's blurry. I actually looked at old pictures of me as a kid when I was at mom's, not too long ago, and it felt really weird.
> 
> My ex did something similar in therapy where they made a "time line" of his past, step by step, session by session(and it was important that embodied the person he was at each different time). Bleh, I don't remember the details, so I can't really explain. Anyway, it was really emotional for him, but one of the best things he had experienced. I think something like that could benefit me, because I have a strong feeling that I have blocked memories.


I think you may have repressed memories. Maybe something were too painful to remember? I'm sorry if so. But I think it's cool the therapy helped your ex-boyfriend. Sometimes we can get so disconnected from ourselves. A tall tree always grows from grounded roots. We've just been trees that may have forgotten where we were planted.

I hope whatever tool or therapy you decide helps you .


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

dontwaitupforme said:


> This really appeals to me. I can relate to a lot that has been said here.. I'm happy to see its working out for you OP.


I hope it works for you as well .


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## keithp (Mar 13, 2007)

What if your only positive social situations were as a child, and you never had any as a teen/adult? That's my situation, socially I'm a kid. The only good times in life I had were a kid. I hung onto my childhood so much because its the only positive thing I had. Needless to say I'm great with kids but bad with anyone older.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

keithp said:


> What if your only positive social situations were as a child, and you never had any as a teen/adult? That's my situation, socially I'm a kid. The only good times in life I had were a kid. I hung onto my childhood so much because its the only positive thing I had. Needless to say I'm great with kids but bad with anyone older.


I think that it might be better for you to talk to your current self. I've met people who enjoyed being a kid more than they do a teen or adult. It might be more of a security blanket to behave like a kid because children have no social/emotional/physical (or shouldn't) adult responsibilities. Perhaps instead of connecting with your inner child, discuss with yourself why you're holding onto childhood. There may be too much fear of being an adult or stepping out into the world? Also try to look back and find at least one positive event in your teen and adult life.


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## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

My SAD begain at age 11 so before that I was much more comfortable by far in social situations. However upon much reflection I realised that seeds of SAD were planted earlier than that. I think it would be rare for SAD to begin out of nowhere without some predisposition to develop it. Certainly things may happen when one is older that can bring it on but then again if the same things happened to someone else maybe they wouldn't develop SAD over it. So it seems *possible* anyway that there could be some predisposition to develop SAD that may relate to early childhood even if the actual SAD develops much later.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

sprinter said:


> My SAD begain at age 11 so before that I was much more comfortable by far in social situations. However upon much reflection I realised that seeds of SAD were planted earlier than that. I think it would be rare for SAD to begin out of nowhere without some predisposition to develop it. Certainly things may happen when one is older that can bring it on but then again if the same things happened to someone else maybe they wouldn't develop SAD over it. So it seems *possible* anyway that there could be some predisposition to develop SAD that may relate to early childhood even if the actual SAD develops much later.


I think I've read that shy or introverted children, or children with low self-esteem, are more disposed to developing SAD. Personally I believe it's a combination of negative social (or emotional/physical/cultural) life experiences that affect us to fear or become anxious around people. I feel it's anxiety of being accepted by people; somewhere in life we (or they) or you were treated in an unacceptable manner by a human being.


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## 1lostsoul (Aug 6, 2013)

john bradshaw home coming is an excellent book. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. it helped me a lot. He helps you to reach back to the source of your problems,your childhood and adolescence and understand how the wounds received then can continue to contaminate your adult life.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

cc1991 said:


> I think you may have repressed memories. *Maybe something were too painful to remember? *I'm sorry if so. But I think it's cool the therapy helped your ex-boyfriend. Sometimes we can get so disconnected from ourselves. A tall tree always grows from grounded roots. We've just been trees that may have forgotten where we were planted.
> 
> I hope whatever tool or therapy you decide helps you .


Maybe. And some things(apart from the things I remember), that I know of because I've been told about it, happend to me at a very early age. Those things might have affected me more than I think they did(because I don't remember them). Like, my father almost beat my mom to death and chased her with a knife, while she was holding me, at age 2(3?). Everything was extremely chaotic at that time and for quite some time.


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## Naed26 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for sharing this. I really resonated with what you said about feeling like a girl handling adult situations. There are so many things that happened to me as a kid that I didn't talk about, that I should've talked about and it's followed me up until this point. I'm going to try this.


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## Phalene (Feb 15, 2013)

Beautiful post!

I started to get better when one day, I realized that the abuse was not my fault. I knew it on an intellectual level, but I think I had never said it out loud, ever. I told my therapist, "but I was a toddler" and then it hit me. I could not have defended myself and it was something that was done to me without having deserved any of it. It helped me to tutor kids at the time, I could actually think "I would never tell them their trauma is their own fault, how could I tell that to myself??"

The pictures thing is very good, if I ever find some pics again I will give it a shot. I can't stand to look at them cause I was such an ugly child but it would be worth it to give it a try.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

1lostsoul said:


> john bradshaw home coming is an excellent book. Reclaiming and championing your inner child. it helped me a lot. He helps you to reach back to the source of your problems,your childhood and adolescence and understand how the wounds received then can continue to contaminate your adult life.


Thank you for that suggestion . I will look into finding the book.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

probably offline said:


> Maybe. And some things(apart from the things I remember), that I know of because I've been told about it, happend to me at a very early age. Those things might have affected me more than I think they did(because I don't remember them). Like, my father almost beat my mom to death and chased her with a knife, while she was holding me, at age 2(3?). Everything was extremely chaotic at that time and for quite some time.


I am very sorry this happened to you and your mother. There may be benefits of talking to a therapist about your childhood in this process.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Naed26 said:


> Thank you for sharing this. I really resonated with what you said about feeling like a girl handling adult situations. There are so many things that happened to me as a kid that I didn't talk about, that I should've talked about and it's followed me up until this point. I'm going to try this.


I hope you heal your inner child . And I think you may be on your way because your picture of the doll is very cute.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Phalene said:


> Beautiful post!
> 
> I started to get better when one day, I realized that the abuse was not my fault. I knew it on an intellectual level, but I think I had never said it out loud, ever. I told my therapist, "but I was a toddler" and then it hit me. I could not have defended myself and it was something that was done to me without having deserved any of it. It helped me to tutor kids at the time, I could actually think "I would never tell them their trauma is their own fault, how could I tell that to myself??"
> 
> The pictures thing is very good, if I ever find some pics again I will give it a shot. I can't stand to look at them cause I was such an ugly child but it would be worth it to give it a try.


Thank you! And that is SO true. It is not a child's fault (or your fault) that they were abused. It is the abuser's fault and those who did not protect the child (the adults who knew about the abuse but did nothing to stop it).

Also I bet you were not an ugly child. You seem like you have a beautiful spirit. No child is ugly. It will take time to look at the pictures, but I feel that once you really remember yourself as a child while looking at the pictures, you will feel so much love and compassion for that child (yourself).

The process is a challenge, but once you start it really feels like a weight is being lifted off your heart AND shoulders.


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## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

Schema therapy also deals with "life scripts" or "schemas" that have common childhood origins. *Reinventing Your Life *by Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko is good book for that.

SAS threads on Schema therapy... 
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/schema-info-for-those-on-this-board-who-asked-38110/

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f43/schema-modes-45016/


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

cc1991 said:


> A tall tree always grows from grounded roots. *We've just been trees that may have forgotten where we were planted.*


At first I thought "what a beautiful thought" then I felt afraid and insecure. Why does that make me feel insecure? It's almost as if I feel where I was planted was a bad, non-affirming place and _I don't want to go back_.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

popeet said:


> At first I thought "what a beautiful thought" then I felt afraid and insecure. Why does that make me feel insecure? It's almost as if I feel where I was planted was a bad, non-affirming place and _I don't want to go back_.


No, you were not planted anywhere bad at all. Your spirit, your essence, is not bad. I highly suggest finding pictures of yourself as a child and nurturing that child like it were your own. Even if it's only for ten minutes, allow yourself to love that child without blame or anger.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

CC1991--Wow, it's really nice to hear about people working on healing their inner child! I've been doing it for years myself, on my own. I've posted and blogged about it here, shared it with certain friends, and yet no one either wants to try it, dismisses it, or just doesn't believe in it. Too bad, they are really missing out.

I have Complex PTSD, sometimes even been diagnosed with Borderline Personality, and even DID (I do have the different ego states, but not much memory loss, and since doing the inner child work, I am much more integrated). I also have had life long major depression (until I started this). All this was caused by 2 severe traumas, the first at 5--my mother who I was close to, died. And the other is that from 9 on I was abused physically and emotionally by both my father and step-mother. In addition I was isolated just enough to not be able to have real friends to socialize with outside of school, (which that part probably helped cause the SA). I also had extremely low self-esteem, etc.

I can relate to much of what you say about the inner child work. I feel too sometimes that my "mind is catching up to my body and life." (I'm 45) That's such a good way of wording it! Imagine being 5 and going to college (I was really 29 at the time). Everyday things are so hard if not impossible when you are stuck and there's a little person inside you who isn't able to handle life! That's changed so much tho. For several years, i helped the inner 5 yr old and now she's a happy, confident, alive, not-stuck-in-grief little girl. She hangs out with a teenager version of myself, so she doesn't interfere with my life anymore in negative ways (flashbacks, breakdowns). I am able to check in on her sometimes, but she's not needy anymore--she's healthy.

My main technique I use(d) is writing left-handed with crayons in an inner child diary (I have several, lol). But I also have a teddy bear and I actually took naps with her!!!! I can't believe you mentioned that! I "let Little Pammy lay in a chair with Roberta, and take a nap." The adult me hates naps, btw.

I also have a variety of little toys for her to play with. The favorite is a can of white Play-Doh. That smell takes you right back. Also have a slinky, some Little People from the 1970s (my childhood), and some books. I actually bought a giant red storytime book on ebay that I had when little. Also a Tiffany Taylor doll (she's like a giant barbie who when twisting her scalp, could go from blond to dark haired. I got her for Christmas when I was 7 and I loved her so much)

I hope other people do try healing their inner children. I mean if it can help me, it can help anyone.

I actually started reading John Bradshaw's book Homecoming also, but never finished it because I just stuck with what I was doing, my way. But I love Bradshaw, I remember seeing his shows in the 90s--he was much better than Dr Phil!

I am now working on helping my inner 9 yr old. She's been depressed and so it's hard, but we are trying. You have to stay creative and constantly come up with new ways to let them feel and express their feelings and release the crap that's weighing them down.....I never force anything tho. It's always only when they are ready.

Another interesting thing is, as an adult in my 20s, I used to look at photos of myself at 3 or 5, and felt to my core--that's not me. And I was right. I had lost my real self so much that I didn't connect to the photos of her (me) at all. But I do now. I used to think I was ugly too, like someone else in the thread mentioned, but now I think I was so cute! :b

~~anyone interested in reading my blog on Inner child work from a few yrs ago--it's http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...6/inner-child-diary-self-therapy-method-5840/

(You'll see I used to have 6 versions of Little Pammy, but they have all merged into one over time as I got healthier and we dealt with their feelings)


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

I forgot to mention--the healing effects I have felt have been permanent. I grew, end of story. You don't un-grow. 

Things happen that can make me upset, feel self-doubt, hurt me, etc, but they don't destroy me/affect me to the extent that they used to. I just keep getting stronger! (not to brag, it probably sounds like I'm bragging, but it's just simply true.) I have more to do tho, with my inner 9 yr old who doesn't feel like she belongs or deserves to be in the world. But i have no doubt she will also get better.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Pam said:


> I forgot to mention--the healing effects I have felt have been permanent. I grew, end of story. You don't un-grow.
> 
> Things happen that can make me upset, feel self-doubt, hurt me, etc, but they don't destroy me/affect me to the extent that they used to. I just keep getting stronger! (not to brag, it probably sounds like I'm bragging, but it's just simply true.) I have more to do tho, with my inner 9 yr old who doesn't feel like she belongs or deserves to be in the world. But i have no doubt she will also get better.


Thank you so much Pam for posting this response . It's very encouraging and informative. I will definitely read your blog on inner child work. I'm really, really glad you posted and that you've been working on healing your inner child. The play-doh and children's book is a great idea! You've got me thinking about crafts I use to complete as a kid. I also like that you mentioned writing with the non-dominant hand. I was a little bit of afraid of doing that because I didn't know if it would work. But you've definitely changed my mind and I will tryit.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)




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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

So for a long time, I couldn't feel the little me(s). But now they are becoming rather clear. It has taken time, I think because it was far too painful before. I had to remove layers of shame-based self-image, or armor to get at (the brick wall?) before I awakened to the fact that my feelings and reactions were indeed little me's. Also reading about stuff about being made to feel ashamed of my needs, helped. Because they have needs. So I couldn't accept that they exist. I had to follow a red thread back through my social anxiety feelings to see what was going on. I have to say, diagnoses have gotten in the way as they aimed to explain away my arrested development as something else. 

I have an early childhood me who I am afraid to look at pictures of, she is hurt in some way and it hurts me.
I have middle-childhood me who looks up to others as gods and believes in magic. This is also the co-dependent me (I had parents with problems whom I wanted to take care of.) She is rejection sensitive and has not yet developed defenses. This is the one I feel most often, who has SA.
I have a pre-adolescent me who is then skeptical of others' authority. She is prone to infatuation and aggressive pursuit (typical of girls this age.)
I have an adolescent me who resents and resists authority.

Those are the ones I can feel.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

I understand some of the comments that now sound negative to me, but I used to say the same things myself. I actually used to think all the inner child stuff was a bunch of bullshhti. I also secretly felt bad because i didn't even have one (or thought I didn't) and thought "yeah, just another thing i don't have that everyone else supposedly does..."

I do wish i knew how to get people to start on this and feel better. It's very hard to give advice about it online!

Part of what took me so long was all my self-hatred....but at the time I would've denied that I hated myself--it was everyone else who hates me! But I did hate myself. It wasn't my fault tho--it was what I learned to do, and so well. I didn't admit it because I thought it was weak.

CC1991--you said you are 11 inside. To me that's old, lol! Just joking. I see then why you would want to do crafts instead of play with Play-Doh! It makes perfect sense because it's more age appropriate. That's a great idea. Also I was surprised how you're able to give yourself love at the different ages in photos. I know I couldn't and would be surprised if many people could *start out* doing that. I imagine it can be quite uncomfortable for some people, depending on the background and level of self-esteem and other rules we live by (like "don't draw attention to yourself--it's selfish"). So that's great that you can do that and that it's helping. 

Popeet--How is the project going? I would think it must be very important for you to connect with or share the feelings of that youngest one who's hurt. I'm not sure, but I think it helps to start with the youngest. (imo, it seems like if you ignore a younger one, they will still be there to affect/ruin/make it hard for what you want to do with an older one). Once she feels a little stronger, I think the next older one will feel less sensitive to rejection. IDK for sure, just what I bet will happen.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Pam, I pasted that up there to show that it was your blog posts, progress and feedback that caused me to start with this. 

It's going slowly, but well. I am focusing on listening to music from my early years, I got a couple of my report cards, I got some photos. I haven't done the naptime yet, or right-handed writing (i'm left-handed) with crayons! But the slam-book style notebook is addressing my preadolescent... which seems to be begging for attention right now. 

I want to get to the youngest one, it's just really emotionally difficult, I feel panicky.


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

popeet said:


> Pam, I pasted that up there to show that it was your blog posts, progress and feedback that caused me to start with this.
> 
> It's going slowly, but well. I am focusing on listening to music from my early years, I got a couple of my report cards, I got some photos. I haven't done the naptime yet, or right-handed writing (i'm left-handed) with crayons! But the slam-book style notebook is addressing my preadolescent... which seems to be begging for attention right now.
> 
> I want to get to the youngest one, it's just really emotionally difficult, I feel panicky.


ohh...cool, lol. 

So there is a natural pull for you in who wants attention--that's great too!

I also made a playlist on YouTube for my 9 yr old. It's all disco. (technically some of the songs came out after I turned 9, but she found some comfort in that music as I got older) Listening to that just makes her feel good. But (for anyone else reading who doesn't already know) that's part of it too--just doing something fun; it's not all hard and painful.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Pam said:


> I understand some of the comments that now sound negative to me, but I used to say the same things myself. I actually used to think all the inner child stuff was a bunch of bullshhti. I also secretly felt bad because i didn't even have one (or thought I didn't) and thought "yeah, just another thing i don't have that everyone else supposedly does..."
> 
> I do wish i knew how to get people to start on this and feel better. It's very hard to give advice about it online!
> 
> ...


Well, like you and other posters, it was different ages. From the ages of ages of 7-17, but I guess more so the events that occurred at those ages. So there many inner child me(s), but they're all children needing love.

Also it was very difficult for me to not only look at pictures of myself as a child, but TAKE pictures after a certain age. There are not many pictures of me in the last three years. So looking at my childhood pictures, although not easy at first, got easier the more positive memories I associated with them.

It also made it easier for me to see myself as I was and work with that child (each picture) through the events. I also listened to music I listened to as a kid.

I'm still healing myself though. Some days I fight myself, but I know that's her (me as a kid) saying, "Don't forget me! Help me!". But it's also a present healing and some days I just need time to rest at this age.


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## Raining Ivy (May 17, 2013)

This is interesting, I'm trying to soak it all in. Im in my 30s and have tried so many meds and therapy and hypnosis and attended self-help forums. Results are temporary, despite really delving into my childhood. Although some amount of growth always prevails. This is a slightly different slant, however. One Ive never tried. 

One question I have is : do you need to know the event that sparked your issues? I do think there is one. It may have been at my mom's funeral when I was 8. Despite hypnosis, I haven't pinpointed an actual event, just the timeframe of her death. IF there is a life-changing occurrence, do I need to identify it?

As for my response to the other things said here... I have no idea what age I feel like on the inside. But perhaps my reactions are those of a former "me"? I never thought of it that way. I just know... certain kinds of pressure make a feeling of "panic" rise and build inside me... Tears will surface if the situation lasts too long.... I know when I am "noticed", I feel embarrassment... for starters. 

So, it sounds like a good starting point is connecting with photographs and activities and sensory things from childhood. I feel sorta directionless, because I don't know what comes next. I have always tried to be proactive with therapy and positive thoughts, but this is more ...passive? Waiting for feelings to surface? Do I have it right? 
I'll give this a try, definitely. 
Thank you to everyone for sharing.
Ivy


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## Pam (Feb 14, 2009)

Raining Ivy said:


> This is interesting, I'm trying to soak it all in. Im in my 30s and have tried so many meds and therapy and hypnosis and attended self-help forums. Results are temporary, despite really delving into my childhood. Although some amount of growth always prevails. This is a slightly different slant, however. One Ive never tried.
> 
> One question I have is : do you need to know the event that sparked your issues? I do think there is one. It may have been at my mom's funeral when I was 8. Despite hypnosis, I haven't pinpointed an actual event, just the timeframe of her death. IF there is a life-changing occurrence, do I need to identify it?
> 
> ...


Hi, as far as knowing the event that may have caused the issues, IDK. I have PTSD, and with that you know what the trauma/s was/were. I can relate to losing your mother at such a young age. But, did you have support from other adults? Were you able to go through the grieving process over time? (at 8, I'm pretty sure you don't just get over it in a short amount of time like one can later when they are older and have more coping mechanisms). I cant speak for you, but wasn't this loss traumatic for you? Did you have a substitute mother figure after that who raised you? There are so many factors that affect this...I am very biased because I lost my mother at 5 and I wasn't allowed to grieve, if you can believe that. That really messed me up until I did something about it last yr...39 yrs after the fact!

For the longest time tho, I didn't know this is what I needed to do. One major symptom was I would completely over-react to any loss whatsoever, because it was me unconsciously having the buried feelings of losing my mother. I would think I was crying because of a stupid boyfriend breaking up with me, but really I was crying about my mother dying. After a while I realized this was what I was doing. It was a big trigger for me--people abandoning/leaving me alone.

I don't want to go on and on about my mother because there are plenty of people who lose their mothers at young ages and don't get all messed up like i did. They had support and love from other people tho. (Madonna, who I used to love as a teenager, is one.) So maybe that's not the cause for you.

As far as the therapy, I wouldn't say it's passive. I do have to let or make myself stop for a while and concentrate on my younger selves inside and let them feel, or do an activity. I always hated the positive thinking stuff because I never could believe it. This (what I do) is totally different. The goal is not to force or try to feel better. It's just to _*feel*_....and ironically, that alone makes you feel better. Sometimes right away, sometimes gradually!

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe passive IS a good way to describe it. You just let it happen, and don't force anything. In that way yes, it is very passive and natural. If Little Pammy was crying and hurt and upset, I let her write it all out in crayons, cry as I'm doing it, and---that's it. I do NOT tell her "Oh it'll be ok." If I did that, she would get mad at me. Plus, it's being dismissive of her feelings. In what I do, you are not there to make her feel better. I just sit back and watch her express herself. She knows I'm there, I sometimes give support, cry, and agree with her, rather than try to debate with her like CBTers do. And so she gets to feel her feelings, not be all alone, and not be contradicted. That seems to be what I need to heal. (and example of me not contradicting her is that once she wrote "Mommy is the meanest lady in the world, I HATE HER!!!" Well, any adult would want to step in and explain she didn't leave on purpose, she went to live with God, etc. But I told her instead "I know. She shouldn't have left. I know exactly how you feel." And well, since she is me, I really do know how she feels! But this hate was temporary and faded away anyway. It was just a feeling, but one that had to be expressed and accepted)

The way I experience the inner child healing is, just having the feelings (finally after not being able to before for whatever reasons) is a relief and helps her/me heal and grow.

I like your avatar, btw. It's creative!


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## Raining Ivy (May 17, 2013)

Hi Pam and everyone else discussing this. 
You ask if I had support from others after my mothers death.... if I was able to go through the grieving process... if the loss was traumatic ... and about a substitute mother figure. My mom committed suicide, my abusive stepdad left immediately. My two loving aunts and grandmother were in shock and heartbroken. We were all lost, in our own ways. I remember having a counseling session... vaguely. It was too soon. I had not processed things yet. My grandmother raised me in her home from that point on, with all relatives living within a 15 minute drive. I was surrounded by family and birthday parties and picnics and Christmas get-togethers. Perhaps it was all nearly distracting. It was not spoken of often, but loving support was there for everyone in the form of togetherness. My grandmother and I grew to be very close. I was left to grieve on my own, and never properly did so. At this point in my life, I feel perhaps I deal with death worse that most people, despite my familiarity. In the past 4 years, I had 3 grandparents die, a beloved cat, an special uncle, a godmother, and a miscarriage no one knew about except my husband. I feel so alone and introverted. I feel... done. I'm so bitter and have said good-bye to true happiness. Everything I do socially is make-believe contentment or complaining. Its mainly why I discovered this website. I'm crumbling inside and don't understand it. I couldnt even attend an important funeral recently. Ive also had job struggles and am in near-forclosure with my house. About a month ago, I read the bullet -list of characteristics for PTSD. I began to cry, shocked as I could relate to much of the list. I am upset I may have some version of this. Yet another "label" to deal with. I stopped reading, cant handle another label right now. 

However, I have a 5-year old. I do things with him and truly "get lost" in playtime and such. I cherish my time with him. We do art together, cuddle for movies, and all the good stuff a parent does with their 5-year old. My husband is a good, wonderful man. Within my home, there are treasures. 

Like you say... I don't know what to do. I've tried alot, as Ive said. I have abandonment issues and self-esteem issues. It affects everything. However - I hide it pretty well. Somehow I've gotten very good at that. You say "there are plenty of people who lose their mothers at young ages and don't get all messed up like I did." Well, I appear "non messed-up", but I am. 

I don't feel this "younger self" that everyone is talking about. I don't know how to treat her as separate. I can't comprehend, "sitting back and watching her express herself". I don't recognize her crying for help. All I feel is depression and sad memories. I can relate to looking at old photos and objects and balling my eyes out. I've done it a million times. My stepdad was physically abusive to both of us, from the point of 5 years old to 8 years old when she committed suicide. I do not blame myself or my mom for what happened. I've had some milestones over the years. I distinctly remember the time I "forgave" my mom. Letting go of that anger was momentous. My abusive stepfather was an emotionally-wounded Vietnam war veteran. I realize we are all human, and I let go of that anger. Only sadness remains in these places. I do feel like the sad places outnumber the happy places. At 38 years old... Im worried for myself. And thats where Im at. I am looking into 2 books that were recommended in this thread and taking Xanax and Ambien a few times a week. I tried a new medication a few months ago, it didnt work. I tried counseling, it was so-so, but I am so broke, stopped going after session 4. 

No one has to reply to this, it just feels good to say it out loud, and to find a new angle to work on this from (inner child work). Thanks for listening to this looong post.
Ivy 

PS Pam, "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman is a book that addresses lifelong emotions you may have felt, but never heard anyone say out loud. I recommend it.


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## SolusSAF (Aug 17, 2013)

This is such wonderful news!!
I have often wanted to go back to my childhood and give myself advice. I think about my childhood, and it's so painful and sad to think about how I was. I am still that little child who is crying out for someone to see me and help me.
When I get up the courage, I may try this.


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## SolusSAF (Aug 17, 2013)

Pam said:


> ohh...cool, lol.
> 
> So there is a natural pull for you in who wants attention--that's great too!
> 
> I also made a playlist on YouTube for my 9 yr old. It's all disco. (technically some of the songs came out after I turned 9, but she found some comfort in that music as I got older) Listening to that just makes her feel good. But (for anyone else reading who doesn't already know) that's part of it too--just doing something fun; it's not all hard and painful.


Listening to music from my childhood (10+) just makes me feel really sad and inadequate. 
I've just messaged my mom to ask her about things that happened to me in K-6th. I remember 1st and 2nd grade, but I don't really remember much about the others. My mom will probably think I'm crazy, but oh well. I need to know. ::sigh:: 
I cannot help but feel sorry for my child self and wish she had been more aware and been encouraged.


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## Leonodas (Mar 17, 2013)

I think I've been trying, but I don't know. I look at all my pictures and all that I can think about is how I screwed up somehow during that particular period of my life. Why wasn't I this or that? Why couldn't I be more like so and so?

Why couldn't I have been a natural child? I don't know. I have no basis of understanding because either I've always been a scared little kid, or that kid died a long time ago.


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## lisac1919 (Jul 20, 2013)

Another exercise I would recommend is to see yourself as the parent towards your inner child. Literally talk to yourself while even hugging yourself if you want to. Say 'its going to be ok (insert your own name)', 'everything is going to be alright' in a soothing voice...these are things mothers might say to their children or a very wise old friend would say to somebody. See yourself as those people. See yourself as a mother to your inner child and comfort that child. If your inner child feels a rush of emotion, or an irrational rage...see yourself like a mother would a child having a 'fit'. I personally immediately feel calm whenever I do this.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

Leonodas said:


> I think I've been trying, but I don't know. I look at all my pictures and all that I can think about is how I screwed up somehow during that particular period of my life. Why wasn't I this or that? Why couldn't I be more like so and so?
> 
> Why couldn't I have been a natural child? I don't know. I have no basis of understanding because either I've always been a scared little kid, or that kid died a long time ago.


Have you ever tried journaling your emotions? Sometimes writing down how you feel about yourself can help you feel more connected to your past/present/future.

Also, it takes time to see yourself as only a child. Many people see themselves from the age they are now, as if they never were young. To see yourself as a child think about how another child would act at that age. Would you have the same anger, fear, and sadness toward a child? No, you'd see them as a child who is innocent and makes mistakes, but all children do. And sometimes children don't make mistakes, the adults around them do.

I understand where you're coming from because I felt the same before I did the picture sessions. But you will get there the more patient you are with your inner child and yourself.


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## cc1991 (Apr 23, 2013)

lisac1919 said:


> Another exercise I would recommend is to see yourself as the parent towards your inner child. Literally talk to yourself while even hugging yourself if you want to. Say 'its going to be ok (insert your own name)', 'everything is going to be alright' in a soothing voice...these are things mothers might say to their children or a very wise old friend would say to somebody. See yourself as those people. See yourself as a mother to your inner child and comfort that child. If your inner child feels a rush of emotion, or an irrational rage...see yourself like a mother would a child having a 'fit'. I personally immediately feel calm whenever I do this.


That's a good idea.


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