# I cheated on my boyfriend because I am lonely. Sad.



## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Its a rather complicated story. First of all, I dont feel like I fit in in my class in university. I study education, and the classes are extremely boring which I dont find any passion in. Since year 1, I developed profound interest in social movements, marxist ideas and politics. I dont find anyone I can talk these to in my class. Year 1 was fine because i was close to a girl in class, she is really nice but we dont share the same interests.

In year 2, I even joined a political party outside of school and I have growing interest in social movements. Even I am not participating, my minds are mainly politics and philosophy. I feel like I bond with people outside school MUCH more and hate going to school. I started to skip classes and everyone seemed to bond. I started to think that I cant even be close to my girlfriend whom i was close to last year and we grew apart.

I treasure friendship very much but I have no one I can talk to in class, and, now in my year 3 I start to sit alone because my girlfriend formed another circle in class which I dont really fit in as well. Feeling left put, I diverted my attention to things outside school which I enjoy, such as politicsl parties, social movements, and even moved into with a bookshop manager whom I knew in social movements.

I feel very bad because everyone seems to enjoy university life and has friends, and I dont. I feel like I have tried but I dont develop deep bonding with them. Things have become worst this year because I was not invited to their gatherings, not included in my class watsapp group, and I always saw that they dated each other without inviting me. I have tried inviting them to lunch once and was rejected because they said they had reservation in a restaurant and I never wanted to try again. They didnt try to invite me again either.

I do not find any point in going to university anymore but I am already in my year 3. I feel like my political and philosophical interests and friends outside school have supported me throughtout these 2.5 years and otherwise I am dead alive. I tried to switch my major but I had to study from year 1 again. I tried to have the thought of switching school but I dare not tell my parents because it would waste their money.

I feel so.lonely in university and do not want to go to class in next semester.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Sorry that I missed the.important part. I.knew my boyfriend in social movement and sometimes I feel that our relationship is based on my loneliness so that I have someobe to support me in my unhappy school life. We generally share the same interests and always go to strikes and demonstrations tofether which I like. However, last month I knew a boy in my political organization and we clicked and had an affairs. We now have cut contact but I feel.like all these loneliness and social anxiety have mafe me doing these crazy things. And the reason why i cut contact with this new guy is not that I chose my boyfrirnd over me, its because this new boy ignored me after sex. I feel like a rubbish, does not fit in, having messy relationshops. I always have anxiety and feel like a failure. I have no one to talk to.

Please help...

UPDATE on 13 Jan:

Everyone, thanks for all yr thoughts n advice, they helped me a lot on clearing my mind. I finally confessed to my bf n he didnt get mad. But we agreed to break up but stay fds. 

Whereas, if anyone has read my post up regarding my school, i have been informed by professors regarding my failed courses and such. I know that this post was long ago n not everyone would read it but due to the past comments n advice i receive here i think i would gice it a try. My professors have requested meeting with me regarding my absences in courses n failed coursework. I really want to drop out n transfer but is scared. I am in my year 3 now n i still hv 1.5 years to go but my failed courses will probably require me to defer my studies. I have had ENOUGH of school n my unhappy social life. Can anyone give me advice on whether to stay or drop out. Thanks


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## Danielf (Dec 9, 2013)

Don't blame anxiety for everything.. your choices are your own.
That said, cheating in your case wasn't a "bad" thing. You bonded with the guy and that's all, don't think over much about it. It felt right at the time and you decided to do it, it's that simple.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Daniel, I understand. Thank you.


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## pati (Aug 15, 2012)

You made that decision, not social anxiety. Many people ignore someone else after having an affair or physical relationship. That's why it's best advised to be in a relationship with someone you're physical with to avoid that happening. Or have a mutual understanding that you are going your separate ways afterwards without attachment. Just my opinion. You probably need to end your current relationship, or be honest with your partner.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I think you should break up with your boyfriend for this one reason:



> And the reason why i cut contact with this new guy is not that I chose my boyfrirnd over me, its because this new boy ignored me after sex.


Personally, I'd not only be devastated over the cheating if I found out, I'd be crushed and lose my confidence I found out the girl I was in a relatinonship was only with me because she's lonely AND she only "chose me" because the guy she liked more bailed on her. I.e. I would be option #2 which means I was taken advantage of. And that would ruin my confidence.

Anyway, you can't blame SA. You made the effort to continue to know the other guy and you made the effort to have sex. People don't accidentally cheat. No excuses. Sorry.


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## Late8 (Aug 26, 2013)

What a horrible thing to do to your bf


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## Testsubject (Nov 25, 2013)

If you feel it was a mistake I see no reason to let this ruin the relationship you currently have. People make mistake, just consider it a life lesson. What your bf doesn't know won't hurt him. Also, if you feel like you've been drifting apart there is a decent chance he may have found momentary interest in someone else as well. Many individuals in relationships stray.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Everyone, I feel sorry if I sound like I am justifying my cheating on SA. I am not, and I feel sorry. I just mean I feel so lonely so that I did these crazy things including hurting my bf and having sex with sb so easily and being dumped. I feel sorry to my bf EVERYDAY I feel like I am wasting his time. Sigh...


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## Ichigo91 (Feb 21, 2012)

I really can't sympathize when one cheats on another one.. in my opinion it's the worst thing a human being can do.

How would you feel if your boyfriend who you really were deep in love with would do something like this to you ???

Painful isn't it ??

I don't think being sorry would even cut it.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Yes, I know, I feel terrible. I am trash and I am considering letting my bf go so that he doesnt waste his time on a piece of trash like me.


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

Maybe just ask what this other boy offered that made you cheat in the first place? What was it about him? Were you not able to get that from your boyfriend? Maybe he made you feel valuable or not lonely or it was exciting and this wasn't the case with your bf? And why not? Is it because he isn't like this or because you wouldn't talk to each other or because you didn't care that much about him? Think about your motivations. People cheat because they perceive something as a better offer than loyalty. Regardless of how you acted it's good just to understand and appreciate your own desires and motives because that lets you say what it is you want so you can have better relationships in the future. Hopefully it can let you beat yourself up about it less and instead become a fruitful lesson about who you are and what you want in a relationship.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

What to do to confront the loneliness after break up with 2 guys. Any experience to share ? I am so scared.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Thank you, it because the other boy has an interesting personality, and he is really into self healing. I feel healed everytime around him, so comfortable and joyful. Thanks, it helps a lot.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Why did you post this twice?


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Because I am not sure if I posted on the right page. Not familiar with this site yet. I just registered.


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## HanSolo (Jul 5, 2013)

I'm not against more open relationships

But then again I've never been in a "real" relationship


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## JustRachel (May 22, 2013)

Nothing you say or do can justify the cheating.

Don't carry on lying to him. Be upfront about it, and see what happens from then on.

I just hope karma doesn't bite you in the *** one day. Because when someone you love and trust betrays you in that way, its soul-destroying. Genuinely. Scars you for life.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

I dont understand why we cant have a 30 day waiting period before people can post. Is that so horrible. On the upside we would see a lot of improvement in post quality,


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## BadGirl (Jan 6, 2013)

OP: thank you for your honesty. 
Don't be upset by any of the negative comments. There are no saints here. 
And... Welcome.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

max4225 said:


> That's a tough one. I'm going through that too. Find another way to not feel lonely? It's ok to be single. Do things which make you happy? Find other people.
> 
> What would you be doing if these guys were never there?
> 
> I'm not sure you can go back to like it was before and pretend it never happened. Something wasn't right that made you change course. Need to do something different.


Do u mean i should do sth that i would do if they were never there? hmm.... harsh.

thanks.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Its a rather complicated story. First of all, I dont feel like I fit in in my class in university. I study education, and the classes are extremely boring which I dont find any passion in. Since year 1, I developed profound interest in social movements, marxist ideas and politics. I dont find anyone I can talk these to in my class. Year 1 was fine because i was close to a girl in class, she is really nice but we dont share the same interests.
> 
> In year 2, I even joined a political party outside of school and I have growing interest in social movements. I feel like I bond with people outside school MUCH more and hate going to school. I started to skip classes and everyone seemed to bond. I started to think that I cant even be close to my girlfriend anymore and we grew apart.
> 
> ...





Zeeshan said:


> I dont understand why we cant have a 30 day waiting period before people can post. Is that so horrible. On the upside we would see a lot of improvement in post quality,


I am just sharing. Theres no high quality or low quality regarding sharing my emotions, is it?


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## Odinn (Dec 15, 2012)

You were confused. You made a mistake, everyone does. Tell your boyfriend, try to work it out. A lot of things can be forgiven.

Cheating is one of the most emotionally painful things one can experience. The highest level of betrayal. Be delicate with the situation and be sure to mention you regret it (if you do) and that you will never do it again (if you won't)

Hope this helps.
Goodluck.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

I feel like crying reading my story over because its not heard for months. I feel like I might do it again because I think about the other boy quite a lot while I am with my boyfriend. I am seriously considering cutting contact with my boyfriend. 

Thank you all of.you.


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## Juno1984 (Nov 5, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Yes, I know, I feel terrible. I am trash and I am considering letting my bf go so that he doesnt waste his time on a piece of trash like me.


I have felt lonely even when I had a boyfriend. I went out once with another man who I knew liked me. He was only a friend. Nothing would've ever happened though. It was just because I was craving attention from my then boyfriend and felt very disappointed.

Your not trash, maybe you and this guy are no longer compatible. Or maybe you will confess all to him and you'll both get back stronger than ever.


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## Ichigo91 (Feb 21, 2012)

You MUST tell your boyfriend about what you did, he has the right to know.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

Jesuszilla said:


> I think you should break up with your boyfriend for this one reason:
> 
> Personally, I'd not only be devastated over the cheating if I found out, I'd be crushed and lose my confidence I found out the girl I was in a relatinonship was only with me because she's lonely AND she only "chose me" because the guy she liked more bailed on her. I.e. I would be option #2 which means I was taken advantage of. And that would ruin my confidence.
> 
> Anyway, you can't blame SA. You made the effort to continue to know the other guy and you made the effort to have sex. People don't accidentally cheat. No excuses. Sorry.


1000 times this. Being used as a settling choice, the "good enough" guy is soul shattering. Don't do this to any man you ever come across. I'm deadly serious about this.


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## Juno1984 (Nov 5, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> I feel like crying reading my story over because its not heard for months. I feel like I might do it again because I think about the other boy quite a lot while I am with my boyfriend. I am seriously considering cutting contact with my boyfriend.
> 
> Thank you all of.you.


It's good to cry right now and not fight back those awful feelings
but also to be optimistic and be good and have kind feelings towards yourself.

Maybe you should tell him while it's still easy/early.

We _all_ mess up in relationships because it's not like they come with an instruction manual.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Am I the only one confused by the OP's use of "girlfriend" and "boyfriend"?

OP,

You sound lost. You're trying to find your place in the world and you're worried that you don't fit in anywhere. Almost everyone goes through this. The most important thing is to finish your education. After you graduate you can change your direction or go to grad school.


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## Zack (Apr 20, 2013)

Ichigo91 said:


> You MUST tell your boyfriend about what you did, he has the right to know.


I disagree. What he doesn't know can't harm him.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Everyone, I feel sorry if I sound like I am justifying my cheating on SA. I am not, and I feel sorry. I just mean I feel so lonely so that I did these crazy things including hurting my bf and having sex with sb so easily and being dumped. I feel sorry to my bf EVERYDAY I feel like I am wasting his time. Sigh...


Stop wasting his time then and break up with him. He doesn't deserve to live in a lie. The combination of being cheated on and you only staying in the relationship because the other, better, guy rejected you. That's downright cruel. You are treating your BF as a commodity by the way you are acting, his feelings are worthless, his being is worthless. You're basically saying he'll do until you find someone better.

I might come off as harsh but Im really serious about how painful it is to realize that the love you have just stick with you until someone else comes along. What message does that give? Was all the women he had like this? Will he be able to trust women in the future? Break ups hurt but at least they can be grieved. Finding out you are less good and played for a fool last way longer.


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## Weekend (Dec 9, 2013)

Tell him or die a painful accident.


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## Danielf (Dec 9, 2013)

If you have to break up with him I think it's best not to mention that you cheated on him... that will just make things worse for him. Say it's your fault and he doesn't deserve you or something, but don't rub salt on the open wound.


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

wow. I apologize on behalf of SAS. For a support group, some people here can be extremely judgmental and unwelcoming.

In regards to your situation, I understand you. I am polyamorous in a monogamous relationship. In addition to that my boyfriend is popular and spends a lot of time ignoring me and hanging out with others, which makes me feel pretty lonely. The temptation to find attention from others can be strong. 

I think it's okay to admit you have the desire but you have to stop yourself from actually cheating on someone you love. Your boyfriend needs to know what happened. If he breaks up with you, then that just makes up the decision for you. (you were unsure if you even wanted to stay with him, right?) If he forgives, then you must work on being faithful and cut the other guy from your life.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Juno1984 said:


> I have felt lonely even when I had a boyfriend. I went out once with another man who I knew liked me. He was only a friend. Nothing would've ever happened though. It was just because I was craving attention from my then boyfriend and felt very disappointed.
> 
> Your not trash, maybe you and this guy are no longer compatible. Or maybe you will confess all to him and you'll both get back stronger than ever.


Juno, so are you and your boyfriend still together?


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Sorry I dont mean this. I mean it would be harsh to be single. Appreciate your advice. Thank you


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

lithocardium said:


> Stop wasting his time then and break up with him. He doesn't deserve to live in a lie. The combination of being cheated on and you only staying in the relationship because the other, better, guy rejected you. That's downright cruel. You are treating your BF as a commodity by the way you are acting, his feelings are worthless, his being is worthless. You're basically saying he'll do until you find someone better.
> 
> I might come off as harsh but Im really serious about how painful it is to realize that the love you have just stick with you until someone else comes along. What message does that give? Was all the women he had like this? Will he be able to trust women in the future? Break ups hurt but at least they can be grieved. Finding out you are less good and played for a fool last way longer.


Yes I also feel he doesnt deserve living in a lie. Not fair. But I am still thinking whether to tell him, or just break up. I tried to talk to him an hour ago, I failed. I cannot mutter a word regarding my betrayal. He is so good to me I dont want him to be hurt. At the same time, I really dont want to let him go. I am confused............ fxxk.


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## thisismeyo (Feb 15, 2013)

my advise would be to think of others and not be so selfish.

if you made mistakes then its good opportunities to learn from them. right now would be a good opportunity to be honest with your bf. don't worry about hurting feelings because its the truth has to be said and will come out now or later. its better earlier.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

dreamloss said:


> wow. I apologize on behalf of SAS. For a support group, some people here can be extremely judgmental and unwelcoming.
> 
> In regards to your situation, I understand you. I am polyamorous in a monogamous relationship. In addition to that my boyfriend is popular and spends a lot of time ignoring me and hanging out with others, which makes me feel pretty lonely. The temptation to find attention from others can be strong.
> 
> I think it's okay to admit you have the desire but you have to stop yourself from actually cheating on someone you love. Your boyfriend needs to know what happened. If he breaks up with you, then that just makes up the decision for you. (you were unsure if you even wanted to stay with him, right?) If he forgives, then you must work on being faithful and cut the other guy from your life.


I am afraid he would absolutely break up with me. Its so depressing to know thay I dont have anyone to support me in this world with my unhappy social life. I also know that he shouldnt ve living in a lie, he does not deserve it. Tough


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

thisismeyo,

you think i should tell him the truth instead of just saying sorry and break up?

ughhhhhh .....


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

Ichigo91 said:


> You MUST tell your boyfriend about what you did, he has the right to know.





Steve-300 said:


> I disagree. What he doesn't know can't harm him.


He will find out eventually. Then you two will have wasted how many years together when he breaks up with you?


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## thisismeyo (Feb 15, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> thisismeyo,
> 
> you think i should tell him the truth instead of just saying sorry and break up?
> 
> ughhhhhh .....


well put yourself in his shoes. if he cheated on you, what would you want him to do? it's your choice : P


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## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

The decision was your own... we can't blame sa for everything....but hope it works out


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Sorry I dont mean this. I mean it would be harsh to be single. Appreciate your advice. Thank you


I understand. I am crushed by loneliness. I go out to try to meet people, I try to meet girls and all that and I fail every. single. time.

Holding on to what is familiar is comforting in a way, especially in your situation where you have someone to go to. I'd kill for that personally.

But you need to understand that your actions aren't geniune. This isn't about someone you truly love, you have even said that he is #2 just there because of your fear of loneliness. I really think you should break up with your boyfriend and find other ways to deal with your loneliness.

You go to protest, so you're around people with common interest. That's how you met the other guy, who's to say there aren't any potential friends there?

It's your choice ultimately. You don't have to tell your boyfriend anything or if he asks just make something up to save him a little (since there is no such thing as an easy break up) I just think your best option is to break up with him before anything else like this happens. Or worse case scenario he finds out.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Yes I also feel he doesnt deserve living in a lie. Not fair. But I am still thinking whether to tell him, or just break up. I tried to talk to him an hour ago, I failed. I cannot mutter a word regarding my betrayal. He is so good to me I dont want him to be hurt. At the same time, I really dont want to let him go. I am confused............ fxxk.


Well the easy way is to break up with him without telling. That way you don't risk the confrontation telling him you did something wrong.

If you didn't want him to be hurt then why would you cheat on him? Somewhere along the line you decided that loyality was less worth than the feelings you had for this other guy. "Don't want him hurt" is a line I've heard several times from several women. It seems to be a rationalisation about keeping something a secret and to avoid pain for the woman, not the guy. It' slike "I won't tell him so he wont be hurt" but on the other hand she did something way worse without considering how it could hurt the guy. Suddenly the guys pain becomes important. Why wasn't it important when she cheated? :sus

Not wanting to let him go is natural because he offers a sense of security probably. And the life after a break up is the unknown.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

OP, you need professional help. :no


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

lithocardium said:


> Well the easy way is to break up with him without telling. That way you don't risk the confrontation telling him you did something wrong.
> 
> If you didn't want him to be hurt then why would you cheat on him? Somewhere along the line you decided that loyality was less worth than the feelings you had for this other guy. "Don't want him hurt" is a line I've heard several times from several women. It seems to be a rationalisation about keeping something a secret and to avoid pain for the woman, not the guy. It' slike "I won't tell him so he wont be hurt" but on the other hand she did something way worse without considering how it could hurt the guy. Suddenly the guys pain becomes important. Why wasn't it important when she cheated? :sus
> 
> Not wanting to let him go is natural because he offers a sense of security probably. And the life after a break up is the unknown.


Understood. Thank you.


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## Danielf (Dec 9, 2013)

Still... if you dread being alone so much perhaps you should really think if breaking up with him will make things better for you (or even him). It may be selfish and dishonest but well we humans are selfish by nature and we do what we must for "survival" so really think about it. You can come clean to him and break his heart, you can say that he doesn't deserve you and break up or you can continue being with him just so that you wouldn't feel so alone... It's up to you what will make YOU truly happy. Cheating is bad yes, but you are only human. :yes


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Jesuszilla said:


> I understand. I am crushed by loneliness. I go out to try to meet people, I try to meet girls and all that and I fail every. single. time.
> 
> Holding on to what is familiar is comforting in a way, especially in your situation where you have someone to go to. I'd kill for that personally.
> 
> ...


Yes I should find ways to deal with my loneliness... but my school life really sucks... to the point that I want to quit university sinxe I have no friends there and no interest in studying. I feel like I need a sb to support me in reality. Sigh. xyzxy

But if i break up with him, he would definitely ask me why. Cause we got along well and theres no reason i would bring break up to the topic. Do u think i should just say its my fault and i di not want a long term relationship and sorry?


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Yes I should find ways to deal with my loneliness... but my school life really sucks... to the point that I want to quit university sinxe I have no friends there and no interest in studying. I feel like I need a sb to support me in reality. Sigh. xyzxy
> 
> But if i break up with him, he would definitely ask me why. Cause we got along well and theres no reason i would bring break up to the topic. Do u think i should just say its my fault and i di not want a long term relationship and sorry?


You need an sb to support you? What is an sb?

As for how to break up, its up to you. I can't tell you how to break up with someone, whatever what you feel comfortable with.

You may feel like you wasted your money, but if you school is that miserable, then look into transferring or try another major


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Danielf said:


> Still... if you dread being alone so much perhaps you should really think if breaking up with him will make things better for you (or even him). It may be selfish and dishonest but well we humans are selfish by nature and we do what we must for "survival" so really think about it. You can come clean to him and break his heart, you can say that he doesn't deserve you and break up or you can continue being with him just so that you wouldn't feel so alone... It's up to you what will make YOU truly happy. Cheating is bad yes, but you are only human. :yes


I dont know why but you sound like a taoist or sb believing in zen. no offends

i would think this overnight and make decision by this week. need time to reflect.


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## Danielf (Dec 9, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> I dont know why but you sound like a taoist or sb believing in zen. no offends
> 
> i would think this overnight and make decision by this week. need time to reflect.


Yeah I project that sort of image sometimes xD
And yes you should take all the time you need to reflect, it will come to you don't worry! 
As for school: If you don't feel like studying atm then take some time off, drop out. It won't be the end of the world. Eventually you will see what you truly want to study and go with it. Don't burden yourself unnecessaryly.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Jesuszilla said:


> You need an sb to support you? What is an sb?
> 
> As for how to break up, its up to you. I can't tell you how to break up with someone, whatever what you feel comfortable with.
> 
> You may feel like you wasted your money, but if you school is that miserable, then look into transferring or try another major


I mean I need sb to support me mentally.

I have 1.5 years until graduation. I have completed 2.5 years of them. Miserable, but I do not want to give up. It would make feel even worst not completing and give up in the middle of it.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

dreamloss said:


> wow. I apologize on behalf of SAS. For a support group, some people here can be extremely judgmental and unwelcoming.
> 
> In regards to your situation, I understand you. I am polyamorous in a monogamous relationship. In addition to that my boyfriend is popular and spends a lot of time ignoring me and hanging out with others, which makes me feel pretty lonely. The temptation to find attention from others can be strong.
> 
> I think it's okay to admit you have the desire but you have to stop yourself from actually cheating on someone you love. Your boyfriend needs to know what happened. If he breaks up with you, then that just makes up the decision for you. (you were unsure if you even wanted to stay with him, right?) If he forgives, then you must work on being faithful and cut the other guy from your life.


dreamloss, so are you still with yr bf?

and wt is polyamorous and monogamous relationship? is it like open relationship?


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> I mean I need sb to support me mentally.
> 
> I have 1.5 years until graduation. I have completed 2.5 years of them. Miserable, but I do not want to give up. It would make feel even worst not completing and give up in the middle of it.


Oh sb=somebody

It doesn't matter how much time you have. Chances are if you stick with this you're going to be miserable anyway. It's safe to assume you're probably young, so you have plenty of time. Take away any unnecessary pressure and do what you want to do.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Danielf said:


> Yeah I project that sort of image sometimes xD
> And yes you should take all the time you need to reflect, it will come to you don't worry!
> As for school: If you don't feel like studying atm then take some time off, drop out. It won't be the end of the world. Eventually you will see what you truly want to study and go with it. Don't burden yourself unnecessaryly.


Thanks for your advice and I feel so joyful reading your advice. But i just have 1.5 years to go and i feel like i want to complete it. I really want to be friend with you, do you pursue taoism or zen? or maybe you can tell me more about you.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Jesuszilla said:


> Oh sb=somebody
> 
> It doesn't matter how much time you have. Chances are if you stick with this you're going to be miserable anyway. It's safe to assume you're probably young, so you have plenty of time. Take away any unnecessary pressure and do what you want to do.


I am not young anymore regardless of what people said that its how you feel regarding youth not the number. I went on a gap year before university so i am 23 now. If i transfer or change major it would take me another 4 years. I would be 27 when i graduate.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

macaronparis said:


> dreamloss, so are you still with yr bf?
> 
> and wt is polyamorous and monogamous relationship? is it like open relationship?


It means that she gets to sleep around while he doesn't.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Understood. Thank you.


Wow, sounds like you are in a pretty bad spot if you respond like that. Hey look I think your behavior was wrong, it doesn't mean that I think YOU as a person is wrong or evil. You were in a tough position and made a mistake. The good thing about mistakes is that we can do something to fix them.

It was not my intention to come off so judgemental, I think past experiences colored my response. I hope you find a good solution to the problems you are facing.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

lithocardium said:


> Wow, sounds like you are in a pretty bad spot if you respond like that. Hey look I think your behavior was wrong, it doesn't mean that I think YOU as a person is wrong or evil. You were in a tough position and made a mistake. The good thing about mistakes is that we can do something to fix them.
> 
> It was not my intention to come off so judgemental, I think past experiences colored my response. I hope you find a good solution to the problems you are facing.


No, I dont mean it... It seems like I am not used to western forum because I am an Asian. Or my English may has confused you. I agree with you that what I did has caused hurt to my bf already.


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## Danielf (Dec 9, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Thanks for your advice and I feel so joyful reading your advice. But i just have 1.5 years to go and i feel like i want to complete it. I really want to be friend with you, do you pursue taoism or zen? or maybe you can tell me more about you.


I meditate. And I read a lot about all sorts of beliefs and spirituality. I don't label myself as taoist or anything of the sort though. I avoid labels of all kinds because they can distort a person's image and true self and people get wrong impressions that way. 
I would like to talk with you as well, maybe we can learn from one another. :yes


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

arnie said:


> It means that she gets to sleep around while he doesn't.


so does it mean he permits her doing that?

is it really the case that her bf neglects her n so she sleeps around with her bf's permission ?_?


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

macaronparis said:


> so does it mean he permits her doing that?
> 
> is it really the case that her bf neglects her n so she sleeps around with her bf's permission ?_?


Probably feels like he has no choice. Sad really. :no


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

arnie said:


> It means that she gets to sleep around while he doesn't.


I actually meant it as in more of an orientation thing. I don't sleep around, I am committed to him, but it's harder because I'm used to being in multiple relationships.



macaronparis said:


> dreamloss, so are you still with yr bf?
> 
> and wt is polyamorous and monogamous relationship? is it like open relationship?


Yes I am still with him. I have never cheated, just had thoughts of doing it (which I think are pretty normal)

Monogamous relationship is when 2 people are in a relationship. Polyamorous is when you have more than one partner and they know about each other/ are also in love with each other.



macaronparis said:


> so does it mean he permits her doing that?
> 
> is it really the case that her bf neglects her n so she sleeps around with her bf's permission ?_?


No I suck at explaining myself apparently and arnie is totally misinterpreting what I am saying.

He does not permit me sleeping around. First: Polyamory is not the same as cheating. Second: we are in a monogamous relationship meaning that we are committed to each other. I figured I liked him enough that I was willing to sacrifice my other relationships to stay in this one. (because he's not poly and doesn't want me to be if we're going to be together)

He does not neglect me, he just has other friends to spend time with so I can't reach him all the time that I want. Usually it's okay because I'm an introvert and like to be alone.

And finally no, I do not sleep around and do not intend to.

What I was trying to say in my first post is that I understand how it feels to be lonely and desiring other people's attention. But also that you have to have the willpower to stop yourself from actually cheating on someone if you love them.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Danielf said:


> I meditate. And I read a lot about all sorts of beliefs and spirituality. I don't label myself as taoist or anything of the sort though. I avoid labels of all kinds because they can distort a person's image and true self and people get wrong impressions that way.
> I would like to talk with you as well, maybe we can learn from one another. :yes


Yes. You can perhaps tell me your story if u want. I am interested to know.

I also think that labels can distort a person's true self... his or her real emotions...


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

dreamloss said:


> I actually meant it as in more of an orientation thing. I don't sleep around, I am committed to him, but it's harder because I'm used to being in multiple relationships.
> 
> Yes I am still with him. I have never cheated, just had thoughts of doing it


So you are confirming for us that women who like to sleep around a lot find it harder to commit to a serious relationship. Thanks.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

u just said u only had thoughts of doing it, but u said that u are IN a polyamorous relationship?

just curious


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## Raphael200 (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm sad.

Not 4 u but for ur bf.


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

arnie said:


> So you are confirming for us that women who like to sleep around a lot find it harder to commit to a serious relationship. Thanks.


Polyamory is *not *wanting to sleep around a lot. 
If you're actually interested in what polyamory is instead of being bitter about women, this website explains a lot:

http://www.morethantwo.com/



macaronparis said:


> u just said u only had thoughts of doing it, but u said that u are IN a polyamorous relationship?
> 
> just curious


No. I am in a monogamous relationship. Mentally I am polyamorous and am able to love more than one person at a time.

(My fault for bringing up such a complicated and somewhat obscure relationship practice though >_> I don't think you guys quite understand what I'm trying to say, but if you want to clarify feel free to ask me)


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## Lacking Serotonin (Nov 18, 2012)

I have no sympathy for you. Cheating is stupid and selfish and I think your smart enough to realize what you did in the first place was wrong. In my personal opinion I view cheating up there with murder. If you don't have the commitment or respect to tell your boyfriend about your feelings and your lack or shared interests then tell him. The greater majority of us are lonely and sad as hell and would be lucky to even have a bf/gf and you resort to cheating? That's a disgrace and you deserve to be sad and end up alone.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Lacking Serotonin said:


> I have no sympathy for you. Cheating is stupid and selfish and I think your smart enough to realize what you did in the first place was wrong. In my personal opinion I view cheating up there with murder. If you don't have the commitment or respect to tell your boyfriend about your feelings and your lack or shared interests then tell him. The greater majority of us are lonely and sad as hell and would be lucky to even have a bf/gf and you resort to cheating? That's a disgrace and you deserve to be sad and end up alone.


Okay. I will.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

dreamloss said:


> Polyamory is *not *wanting to sleep around a lot.
> If you're actually interested in what polyamory is instead of being bitter about women, this website explains a lot:


It's actually part of the definition:

"the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time"


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## Wulfgar (Aug 23, 2013)

I think you should really spend some time re-evaluating yourself...and DURING that time I dont think you should have a bf


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## WTFnooooo (Mar 27, 2010)

Volvagia1 said:


> I think you should really spend some time *re-evaluating* yourself...and DURING that time I dont think you should have a bf


Yeah, specially the "marxist" part... That's worse than cheating to her bf.


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## a degree of freedom (Sep 28, 2011)

macaronparis said:


> Okay. I will.


What? No! I'd like you to believe the treatment you're getting in this thread is rather exceptional, and to not take it personally.


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## kuhan1923 (Oct 28, 2012)

All the girls in this thread that say they felt lonely with their boyfriends so they went out with other guys, just lol. Break up with your boyfriend then? Why go cheat on him, why not just break up with him and then go out with another guy?

It's not okay to cheat on your partner even if they make you feel lonely or whatever else, wtf. 

OP tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him, or break up with him.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

You seem to want more attention than you're getting. Possibly because of your perceived (not saying it wasn't actual rejection, but either way it's the same result) rejection in previous social interaction. I think you should try and get help so that you can become comfortable alone and not rely on other people to the extent that you're hurting others and yourself to get your emotional needs met.

I really hope you listen to me and tbyrfan's post, they seem to be the only ones getting to the crux of the issue here... There's nothing you can do to take back what you've done so now you have to work on improving yourself in the future and avoiding destructive behaviour like I said.


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## MrZetnek (Oct 12, 2013)

Don't cry if he breaks up with you. smh


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Young people shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship anyway. Experiment. Find out what you like. The dude you're way may be a bad lay and you wouldn't know it unless you find out what it's like to be with others.


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## Idontgetit (Nov 1, 2013)

nubly said:


> Young people shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship anyway. Experiment. Find out what you like. The dude you're way may be a bad lay and you wouldn't know it unless you find out what it's like to be with others.


Yes become a collector of stds


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Idontgetit said:


> Yes become a collector of stds


I suggest keeping track on a spreadsheet so you don't accidently collect two of the same.


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## dreamloss (Oct 28, 2013)

arnie said:


> It's actually part of the definition:
> 
> "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time"


To me, an intimate relationship does not only consist of sex.
I feel like "sleeping around" implied a much more casual aspect so your statement earlier isn't true to anything I was trying to say.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

dreamloss said:


> To me, an intimate relationship does not only consist of sex.
> I feel like "sleeping around" implied a much more casual aspect so your statement earlier isn't true to anything I was trying to say.


What is it like to have multiple relationships? Is it like everyone you date have multiple relationships as well?

I am intrigued.


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Sorry that I missed the.important part. I.knew my boyfriend in social movement and sometimes I feel that our relationship is based on my loneliness so that I have someobe to support me in my unhappy school life. We generally share the same interests and always go to strikes and demonstrations tofether which I like. However, last month I knew a boy in my political organization and we clicked and had an affairs. We now have cut contact but I feel.like all these loneliness and social anxiety have mafe me doing these crazy things. *And the reason why i cut contact with this new guy is not that I chose my boyfrirnd over me, its because this new boy ignored me after sex. I *feel like a rubbish, does not fit in, having messy relationshops. I always have anxiety and feel like a failure. I have no one to talk to.
> 
> Please help...


You cheated on your boyfriend and karma came back and bit you in the a**.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

No excuse for cheating in my book.


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Persephone The Dread said:


> You seem to want more attention than you're getting. Possibly because of your perceived (not saying it wasn't actual rejection, but either way it's the same result) rejection in previous social interaction. I think you should try and get help so that you can become comfortable alone and not rely on other people to the extent that you're hurting others and yourself to get your emotional needs met.
> 
> I really hope you listen to me and tbyrfan's post, they seem to be the only ones getting to the crux of the issue here... There's nothing you can do to take back what you've done so now you have to work on improving yourself in the future and avoiding destructive behaviour like I said.


Where to get help??


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

WTFnooooo said:


> Yeah, specially the "marxist" part... That's worse than cheating to her bf.


I dont see it as a problem. can u explain?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

macaronparis said:


> Where to get help??


I don't know where you live and what type of help is available but try and find a therapist, perhaps one who specialises in interpersonal relationships. They might be able to help you work through some of your feelings and help you cope better with feelings of loneliness.

In the mean time you might want to consider taking a break from dating. Not sure how you've handled things with your current boyfriend? Have you told him? Are you still in a relationship? Are you sure you actually want to be with him? Or are you just lonely? You need to think hard about this because it's not fair on him.

I'd recommend continuing to try and form some kind of friendship group with others. Clearly it is important to you to have some kind of close relationship where you can get more attention/affection.

Join some more groups for your interests and try and meet people. Just remember that while becoming acquaintances with people can be quite easy, forming decent relationships (friendships or romantic) takes time. You shouldn't expect it to happen over night.

You also really should work towards coping with loneliness better so you don't end up doing drastic things that you'll regret later again.

You should ask yourself why you felt lonely with your boyfriend as well. Do you think your loneliness stems from the fact that you've been surrounding yourself with the wrong people for you? Or do you think that nothing will overcome that emotion?

Oh OP, have a look through this and see if it sounds like you:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063

maybe bring that up with a therapist if you decide to see one.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Why does this have 3 pages? A college student cheated, oh horror of horrors. :roll


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

great story, compelling and rich


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## chefdave (Dec 16, 2013)

I don't understand, why are you allowing yourself to be drawn into Marxism? 

Nothing good will come from this. Stick to teaching and once you find a good job you'll find a nice man you'll be able to connect with. Don't go down the Marxist sub-culture route you'll only attract weirdos that way.


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## Juno1984 (Nov 5, 2013)

macaronparis said:


> Juno, so are you and your boyfriend still together?


No.  I'm happier out of that relationship.

I called him one day and he was distant as usual so I got annoyed and told him about the guy :doh (in a horrible way) and he ignored my calls, texts etc.

I cried and cried, all I had was my loneliness and I was hard on myself. Weeks later I got back in contact with him, I said sorry told him I love him and we got back together.

Everything was the same and there was no point... So I let him go by refusing dates and not calling or talking on messenger. It felt natural to let him go.

Now I see that he wasn't participating in the relationship, it was like he was "absent." He did say he was hurt from a previous relationship and that was why he wasn't really there. It was very frustrating for me. I still have his number but there doesn't seem to be any reason to contact him.

I don't think I'll put a man up on a pedestal or let my life revolve around a man ever again. It just ends up frustrating.

Good luck to you


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

chefdave said:


> I don't understand, why are you allowing yourself to be drawn into Marxism?
> 
> Nothing good will come from this. Stick to teaching and once you find a good job you'll find a nice man you'll be able to connect with. Don't go down the Marxist sub-culture route you'll only attract weirdos that way.


What is your understanding of Marxism? Have you ever studied it a bit, or you just label it as some sub-culture route that would only attract weirdos? seriously, i am not studying Marxism for men.


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## Royals (Jul 20, 2012)

It seems to are not really ready for a relationship because you act a little careless and do not seem to realize that you cannot accept another carry all your problems and to be your therapist. Also since you 'easily' cheated on your boyfriend you do not seem to grasp the concept of hurting someone and loving them unconditionally. Never start a relationship when experiencing unsolved personal problems. First work on yourself. Like you said the reason you did this is your loneliness, egoistical reasons, and not to start a serious relationship wich consists of faithfullness, trust, love and mutual respect. So really, you have two choices: either confess this cheating to him and accept the consequences, or do not tell, and break up. If you choose the first option, accept him to decide if you two have a future (you have no say after hurting him). And if you choose the second option, work on yourself until you are ready to start a serious relationship. Either way, by telling you could hurt him a lot and it could go wrong, and if you don't tell at least you won't hurt him, and you will be freed from the guilt after a while.


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

I disagree with everyone who said SA didn't play apart with your affair. SA (or the core of SA "Toxic shame") is basically increase your chance to cheat and even date someone you not really into. Think about it, if SA can make a person not go to a job interview just because they will be "rejected" (which is minor if you think about it in a rational way) why wouldn't it influence a person to do something bigger ?

Anyway to solve your problem. I recommend you to overcome SA.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/the-toxic-shame-thread-the-cause-of-sa-for-most-98335/

Read about Toxic Shame from this link above.
A therapist will help too.


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## caelle (Sep 9, 2008)

Steve-300 said:


> I disagree. What he doesn't know can't harm him.


How can a 31 year old man have this kind of logic? That is truly sad. If cheating is not acceptable, then I imagine not being truthful wouldn't be either.

OP, I think you should tell your boyfriend, he deserves to know. People do cheat on their partner from feeling sad and lonely, which is unfortunate to hear that you felt that way, but it's still not ok. It sounds like you have a lot more to learn about communication and relationships. But maybe you should just forget about relationships and work on being happy on your own.


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## caelle (Sep 9, 2008)

rambo said:


> I disagree with everyone who said SA didn't play apart with your affair. SA (or the core of SA "Toxic shame") is basically increase your chance to cheat and even date someone you not really into. Think about it, if SA can make a person not go to a job interview just because they will be "rejected" (which is minor if you think about it in a rational way) why wouldn't it influence a person to do something bigger ?
> 
> Anyway to solve your problem. I recommend you to overcome SA.
> 
> ...


So being socially anxious made her hop on another guys peen? I'm really not buying that lol


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

nomi said:


> So being socially anxious made her hop on another guys peen? I'm really not buying that lol


Yeah. Do you know how much work goes into having sex and in her case connecting with another man emotionally before having sex?


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## rambo (Nov 14, 2010)

nomi said:


> So being socially anxious made her hop on another guys peen? I'm really not buying that lol


I said it increase the chance for her do it. You got SA you should be able to relate with SA increasing your chance to do some irrational BS.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

JustRachel said:


> Nothing you say or do can justify the cheating.
> 
> Don't carry on lying to him. Be upfront about it, and see what happens from then on.
> 
> I just hope karma doesn't bite you in the *** one day. Because when someone you love and trust betrays you in that way, its soul-destroying. Genuinely. Scars you for life.


I couldn't have said it better. I've been cheated on before. It's no fun being on the other end of it, it really does scar you for life. Hope it was worth it.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

OK, you've cheated, you know it's bad, and you've f***ed up... no big deal. It happens. People cheating on their partner is an unfortunate but common event. No need to keep bashing yourself, you're only human.

Macaron, I think you've admitted throughout this thread that you're not satisfied with your current relationship. Why settle for this situation? I say break up. I wouldn't mention the part about cheating though, it will most likely cause extra purposeless drama - *why bother when you're about to break up regardless? *

No need to write a dissertation to your boyfriend to explain why you don't want to pursue the relationship - the spark isn't there, you've realized you're not very attracted to him after all, and you've decided to move on. That's all he needs to know.



Ichigo91 said:


> You MUST tell your boyfriend about what you did, he has the right to know.


He has the right to know, but does he want to know? If she's on the verge of breaking, I believe it might be better to forget about this little detail.


kuhan1923 said:


> All the girls in this thread that say they felt lonely with their boyfriends so they went out with other guys, just lol. Break up with your boyfriend then? *Why go cheat on him, why not just break up with him and then go out with another guy?*


_Before you throw away an old pair of shoes, make sure you bought a new pair - or you'll end up bare feet._ I suppose that's the reasoning for many. Or another explanation is simply that these girls had never planned to cheat, but ran into this amazing guy who happened to be more satisfying than their boyfriend on certain levels.


komorikun said:


> Why does this have 3 pages? A college student cheated, oh horror of horrors. :roll


That's pretty much my feeling as well. :lol


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## macaronparis (Dec 29, 2013)

Update:

Everyone, thank you veru much for all your thought n advice n i finally did it to confess to my bf. It was so much relief.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Good.

You done goofed up and finally summoned the guts to be honest.

Better now than never.

From now on you'll be labeled as a cheater, and with that scar you should learn from your mistakes.

If not, then you should probably avoid the idea of relationships for the sake of other people.


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## ineverwipe (Jun 16, 2013)

Yea, you made the choice on your own. I guess this bf wasn't all that important to you. And the guy you cheated with ignoring you after sex, that's just karma. You should have seen that coming. You messed up probably a good relationship because you wanted to sex someone new.

At the very least you could have broke it off before opening your legs but I guess that was to difficult. You did it because you're alone?? And now look at you. The new guy wants nothing to do with you and now you're just friends with the bf.

Jesus I hope it was worth it. I didn't read the whole thing but I sure hope you're not blaming it on the alcohol like some girls like to do. This choice was all you. Not anxiety, not loneliness, you.

Now you have to live with yourself.

Again, I hope it was worth it


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Sadly though, I see many people out there who will bend over backwards for a partner who doesn't love and respect them as much as they do. It's a case of mismatched attraction, the one who doesn't love as much as the other should rather break off the relationship then lead their lover on just to avoid loneliness while the one who's more in love should see the relationship in a more objective light. 

I've been guilty of playing the one that's been too in-love and have learned from that experience that if I expect a good relationship I'll need to look at it objectively, whether from my own point of view or from those I trust deeply.

Here it sounds like the boyfriend was the one who was too in love while the girlfriend was the one who just wanted to avoid loneliness.


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