# I can't stand my failures anymore.



## canthelpit (Aug 7, 2013)

I'm writing this because this is the first time I thought I have no solution to my problem, that my life will end soon.

I'm 19 years old girl going on 20 in a month. It all started out like this: My family is hardcore religious fundamentalist in Christianity. I was religious 2 1/2 years ago, but lost it after feeling extremely gloomy one day in high school. I know I was a loser in high school, bad grades, no friends, and no life were so obvious to my peers. I know I was extremely clumsy in gym class. I lost all my self-esteem. I wish I never went to high school because I was sleep-deprived at that time and I didn't grow taller. Thinking of that makes me regret a lot now. It was a prestigious high school. Before I went to prestigious high school, I moved around from country to country a lot, 17 times my whole life, due to my dad's so-called Christian work as well as our family's indecisive nature. My dad is an authoritarian figure. He can't make us talk to him like friends, insists respect from kids, and expect us to do well in school. He once yelled and compared me to a handicap when he couldn't stand me crying to my mom of high school failures anymore. 

It's hard trying to organize my story.. So i'll just ramble from here. My parents never gave me medication or made me see a shrink because they believe in God's power, not medicine; my mom thinks medicine makes me dull. It's funny how she doesn't want me be a dull person while i'm already a dull person. I think I struggle from ADD, I often lose track of the conversation, even in 1 on 1. I shouldn't blame others here. It was my fault as well... I felt lazy to do school work because I get bored easily.. I didn't want to fit in with other kids, or maybe couldn't because I always had speech problems. I was shy, or mute, as others may have perceived that way. I'm fairly ignorant, because I don't have any interest in anything. 

So after I lost faith, I challenged the faith of my family. I asked, "Why is it that we have to believe in Jesus to be saved?" After some answers and questions and my relentless questions of God's existence, my brother tried to smack my head, my dad pointed out my failures in high school and said I should just smack myself in the head. lol. I cried and cried and cried afterwards... By the way, did I mention that I'm a crybaby? We have 25 minute bible worship group every night except Sunday. If my mom finds out that I'm not a Christian, then she'll LITERALLY go insane. I know that because she told me a story of what she did in the few weeks before my atheist grandmother died of cancer. So I'm a closet atheist now. 

My dad treats mom like that of 19th century. And my mom is fine with it. She said women have to serve men because God made it that way. I hate it when my mom doesn't do anything when he yells at her like crap. She has no life and no friends at all. She stays home and wants us to not fit into society. No rational explanation can change them, believe me.

The problem grows worse here, I am a greedy *****. I don't like my big nose, and my nose is still growing. So I told them that I would like to get rhinoplasty with my own money. My mom said if I do that, she'll drag me to a prayer worship building and make me repent till I cry like hell. Then you might say, then why don't you run away from home and never see my parents ever?

It's hard for me to leave my family permanently because my mom will go insane! If she does that, my dad will beat her up or blame her a lot for leading us to come to USA.. I don't want live knowing that that is happening. They are already in trouble with financial problems and my dad is depressed that his church is really small. Only 2 members. I have to lie often that I believe in Jesus and I read my Bible..

So, I thought.. I am such a worthless person to live on this earth. I have anger problems, can't make friends, friends judge me, etc (no offend to people out there).. I don't want to live like this.. I feel my life is not worth it anymore. I wish I had a solution.


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## AnotherGuy (Aug 5, 2013)

canthelpit said:


> I'm writing this because this is the first time I thought I have no solution to my problem, that my life will end soon.
> 
> I'm 19 years old girl going on 20 in a month. It all started out like this: My family is hardcore religious fundamentalist in Christianity. I was religious 2 1/2 years ago, but lost it after feeling extremely gloomy one day in high school. I know I was a loser in high school, bad grades, no friends, and no life were so obvious to my peers. I know I was extremely clumsy in gym class. I lost all my self-esteem. I wish I never went to high school because I was sleep-deprived at that time and I didn't grow taller. Thinking of that makes me regret a lot now. It was a prestigious high school. Before I went to prestigious high school, I moved around from country to country a lot, 17 times my whole life, due to my dad's so-called Christian work as well as our family's indecisive nature. My dad is an authoritarian figure. He can't make us talk to him like friends, insists respect from kids, and expect us to do well in school. He once yelled and compared me to a handicap when he couldn't stand me crying to my mom of high school failures anymore.
> 
> ...


I just want to talk to you a little here. I don't want you to feel offended by anything I'm about to say. I understand you are in an insane situation but I also understand that it's still your family so I don't want you to think I'm about to offend them ok?

I've met people like your parents before. Again, no offense to you or your family but they are that way because they don't know any better. Chances are that your father learned it from his father and so forth. You are a young man and your still have time to develop your OWN opinions about the world. Unfortunately, more times than often, for people in your situation this involves leaving and never looking back.

I understand you when you say that you don't want to leave your mother alone with your father. That is understandable. But there is a reality you must face: your mother WANTS that life. And if she DOESN'T want it, she got into the marriage, not you. You should not have to pay for your mother's mistake - no matter how much their bible says so. There is a reason why your father has a small congregation. It's because people who chose to believe in faith (at least the sane ones) want a church LEADER not a church MASTER. No one can tell you to believe in anything. Have you considered finding work to go live alone or finding a roommate to share rent with?

Either way, you're still young but you will soon grow tired of being alone, being afraid, and you'll get tired of feeling as if you're ignorant. You will get tired of simply being told the answers by people who clearly don't have the answers themselves. I was similar to you until I began questioning everything on my own as well. You don't think you're smart enough? You already proved you are by making you're own decision to be atheist. No one told you to do that. You thout about it on your own. And although I have a different belief, I applaud you for that. I hope that you get to find happiness away from your family.


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## Just Here (Jul 16, 2013)

I to question god. My family was the same as yours pushing it down your throat. I don't know why they think that if you have a different of opinion that your such bad person. Most of the bible is full of loving your neighbor but I think there lot of people that hide behind the bible. They do it to justify there cause. Your mother is suppose to be submission to your father. I don't think this is ever a good idea. If the father is abusive this could lead to lot of problems.

As far as your looks everyone is in that boat. They say all you need is 5 minutes in front of a mirror to bring us back to reality. Yes there lots of us that don't like are looks. You can either do something about or learn to live with it. 

Don't give up on your family yet. Once you get out your own who cares what they believe or not. If you don't want to be a part of a church that's your business. Just don't close the door tight.


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