# I'm 18 and I have already lost everything.



## Connor 94 (Jul 19, 2013)

Like a lot of the stories i have read on this site, I too had no trouble making friends at an early age, because kids are supposed to be goofy y'know. 
Around the time I turned 15 things began to change, people started to treat me differently. The friends I had in school began to distance themselves from me. 
I tried my best to fix these relationships, but that only seemed to make matters worse. Eventually I became an outcast in my class, I didn't even get lunch anymore, I'd just go to the art room and pretend that I had work to do.

In my last year of school I did make a friend and things perked up for a few months, eventually i ****ed that up too. I always said the wrong thing and i never knew how to fix a mistake.
When this guy started avoiding me, I lost it. I stopped going to school, which caused me to fail the majority of my exams and now I'm in a community college trying to fix that mistake alongside people who can barely read. 

These days, I don't do anything, I don't go outside, work or even speak to family. I have been contemplating self harm for some time, I feel that if i did self harm everyone would see that I know I ****ed up and that I'm sorry. 
When I look around and see these people I knew getting on with their lives and having a good time with friends, it kills me. I feel like if I don't self harm I'm accepting that it's okay to be a pathetic waste of space.

Maybe I'm a severe case, I don't know. If anyone has been in the same spot, advice would be appreciated.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I underwent a similar situation when I was your age. Sophomore year of high school what few friends I had since middle school started hanging around the cooler kids and decided they were too cool to talk or even be associated with a geek like me. After all those times of me doing most of the work on group projects and letting them cheat off me in exams or lending lunch money, they return the favor by betraying me like this? This was before I was 18 obviously, I was very sickly and missed a lot of classes even though I was in mostly honors classes, I used to do well but then my grades started slipping cause I didn't care. I contracted mono, and no not from kissing, I got it cause my mother was a home health nurse and she caught it from a patient and then I got it as well, either that or during summer school these kids were coughing a lot near me and said they had mono, so most likely from that, you can catch if people cough near you. That's what I get for taking classes ahead of time in order to be ahead of the curve. It ruined my stamina and energy to the point I had chronic fatigue syndrome, I was then home bound and was bedridden and had to be home schooled for the last 2 years of high school. I missed prom and my graduation, I didn't care, I was full of hate and jealousy towards the normal kids. I even had throat surgery because the breathing apparatus C-pap machine that my mother forced me to use in order to "help" me breathe at night, ruined my throat, they had to cut out my tonsils among other things in there, I literally couldn't speak and had constant pain for months. The not speaking part wasn't hard, though trying to communicate via hand gestures and banking on the other person utilizing common sense was somewhat of a chore...

I digress, then come 18, I had already got my diploma through the mail from my old home school. My mom asked me if I wanted to attend the graduation at my public high school, I said hell no, why would I want to see people who haven't seen me in 2 years, they couldn't even care less about me, to hell with them. By 18 I was aiding my mother's home health agency by being her typist, I didn't get paid, not really, yet I sped up my mom's workload because she is inept with computers. I didn't mind being her shadow for a time. My brother had a real job and worked at publix supermarket, he always made me feel ashamed for hiding from the outside world.

So much so that he essentially made me his personal butler, like Alfred to his Batman, what's sick is I now work harder in regards to physical labor and longer hours than him at the same supermarket and yet I am still his loyal servant. The Luigi to his Mario. 

By the time I was 21, my mother had been screwed over by our uncle, who co-owned the home health company with her, he liquidated the company and had overworked my mother, and didn't leave her a dime. She suffered from several car accidents and heart attacks later on, it didn't help much we lived with an abusive former convict as a roommate, yet that's another story.

I was unemployed and played WoW and other videogames all day, never making new friends, just playing with the same friends I've known since middle school, mostly my brother's friends. Friends by association, they never really care for me, not as much as I showed compassion for them that is.

So with my mother being over worked and going from one home health agency to another as a director of nursing, her job was essentially cleaning up corrupt home health agencies because of her good work ethic and morals and professionalism. A lot of places here are corrupt in Florida and they get away with a lot of shady stuff, some of them get inspected and they have to shut down, yet more just pop up. My mother cleans them up yet leaves if they ask her to do something illegal because she can't afford to lose her Nursing License. Not that she can even work now, she's trying to get part time yet she's still recuperating after a quadrupple bypass heart surgery. 

We lost all our money, we got evicted from our house in Miami, we had to move away and rent an Apt with what paltry money we can scrape up.

I literally had nothing, no income, no friends, shoddy health, no respect, no education, no set of skills, no self-esteem. My mother told me she just wanted it all to end, she wanted to die cause the pain was too much. That was the only thing that year I recall making me want to cry and tell her I loved her, I didn't say those words freely before that incident, shameful as that sounds. I was always riddled with hate and resentment, I could never appreciate what few things we had and it was slowly dwindling down to less and less and I grew even more angrier. Around 19 I told my mother I wanted to join the military, that we needed money and I needed an education and they could give it to me. She started yelling at me and said I was being manipulated by the government to want to go off and fight and die in the name of patriotism. I didn't care, I wanted more and that was the easiest choice, I also did not want to live at the same time and if I could exchange my life for money I would have then, it was foolish and pathetic and selfish. I couldn't care less I hated life and I was ashamed of what I was, I wanted to be viewed as a hero for once, someone appreciated for putting others before him. I fear real life violence, yet in entertainment it seems so appealing to be strong, and fight.

It's like that show Band of Brothers or that movie Saving Private Ryan, I wanted to be apart of something and suffer with other people, and form a bond, to have brothers, who aren't related. Whatever, all that was moot anyways because I was too sickly and didn't fit up to par with the physical examination.

I felt useless, like a failure, all my friends left me and surpassed me, I always prided myself in being the mature one in class and being the voice of reason and yet my vanity made me witless. They were all nonchalant and goofing off and having fun, usually at the expense of others, and yet they seem so happy and care free. I hated them for making me an outcast, if it wasn't for not wanting to disappoint my family even more I probably would have locked myself in the garage and slept in the car with it on or something. Yet society and religion has taught me, that is for the weak, and I couldn't let myself become that low. I can't fathom what hell or the oblivion of death is like, but something certainly is preferable to nothing.

So I had a moment of clarity, around the time my favorite fat orange cat was mauled by a pack of stray dogs, he didn't die right then, but he made it home, full of wounds, I couldn't pet him or comfort him due to me being scared of causing even more pain. He died on the operating table of the vet's. Life is fleeting, it can be snatched away in a blink of an eye, why would you want to search for such means?

Fast forward, 3 years ago, I grew tired of being a loser. I was 24 and unemployed, had nothing still, I applied at several places yet no dice. Finally I got fed up and asked my brother if he really did vouch for me, turns out he forgot, so here I am applying at his store for a whole year, evidently if you know someone on the inside, that increases your chances by a huge frackin' margin, who'da thought?! Amirite?! Whatever, pffft. I still thanked my brother, I was pissed. Not to mention very scared, I was thrown into a social world, a retail job with no real official job experience on my resume.

I was a nervous wreck, I was too quiet at first, yet polite. A lil too polite, and people could see my fear. My fear of judgment, they often thought I looked lost, and I felt lost. 
24 years old, and everyone around me thinks I'm 17 or something because of my pathetic inexperienced demeanor. Being unsure of yourself makes you look quite vulnerable. Like a baby deer surrounded by a pack of wolves. Eventually I grew tired of those awkward glances and looks, my brother told me often what the other coworkers thought of me. I didn't like it at all, I was too quiet, freakishly too nice, odd, boring, too serious.

I consider myself quite fortunate for the few people who reached out to me and tried to make me feel comfortable. One of my fellow coworkers, a kid of 19 years old, taught me the ropes, as well as the assistant manager, who was only one year older than me, believed in me. They both made me feel like I was someone. They taught me the correct way how to do things. I liked the recognition. That assistant manager to me was like Captain Winters. and I was private Blithe. He told me I should speak up more, that I was being like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, he was very energetic and had the ability to connect with anyone on a positive note, I envied that. I soon learned to take pride in work and focused on that, wanting to be the best. I wanted to acquire as many skills as I could there and score exceptionally on my evaluations, sure I was shy with customers and people but I was a loyal servant to them and gave my life purpose.

To many my job is a joke, very often customers tell me that perhaps someday, I'll have a "real" job. They don't know about my SA, how could they? For I am just a puppet, pretending to be their friend with a smile, and they need not know the difference. 

There's nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing left to lose, I used to think I was at rock bottom, I wasn't even close, I still clung to my faith, be it faith in doing the right thing, destiny, family, faith in a better future, faith in my morals and values, whatever lets me justify why I must suffer. It doesn't help me sleep at night but I can look at myself in the mirror and have some scrap of pride. I did not resort to abandoning my belief and become the very thing I despised all my life.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

18 is very young. you have time to get to a point where you can manage this, make peace with it, and learn to enjoy your life. I'm serious. 

People underestimate the impact the years you speak of can have on us and our development. It can be just as traumatic as anything else. 

I suggest that you get a good therapist to work through all this. again, I'm serious. 

some people can indeed just say "**** it" and they seem to be just fine after that. But I'll tell you what - seems to me just as many can't. it's no big thing to admit that you need help in learning to deal with life. hell, i wish more people would. we'd all be living in a better world. Find a good therapist. listen to your gut when you see one. You'll know if they are a person who can really help you or not. 

therapy will not be easy, but then neither will be the life you'll lead if you don't do something to help yourself now.


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## wow whoa (Jul 2, 2013)

I was exactly the same at your age, people avoided me in highschool and shortly after I graduated my mom died which left me in a deep depression. It seems like you're depressed and depression feeds off of isolation and self hatred. 

You NEED to act like someone who isn't depressed and anxious to overcome depression and anxiety. What that means is you have to go out, join clubs, learn about popular things like sports/fashion as it can lead to conversation icebreakers. Start participating in activities that you enjoy and can get you around people. It's true, it can be painful and not everyone will like you, but even with my depression and anxiety I have had many people approach me and want to be around me. What I failed to do was seize the moment because I hated myself and thought nobody would like me if they really knew me.

Find a therapist that specializes in anxiety, asking your regular doctor for a recommendation could be helpful. Get into group therapy and you can meet people and become friends with people who understand. The key is to seize the moment when people show interest, show them you are interested in them. Don't assume everyone will hate you as much as you may hate yourself. Eventually you'll find out people out there can like you for who you are.


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

TL;DR

My point is:

Everyone must decide what is their own purpose in life and cling to that, sure people can tell you cliche responses but it never does alleviate the pain now does it? Everyone is special in the sense no one is special. We all desire and deserve happiness, the question is do we have what it takes to seize it? And if so by what means? At the very end when you're hopefully old and dying in bed surrounded by loved ones, will you regret the choices you've made or contently pass with a smile?


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## LouAS (Jul 20, 2013)

You are an incredible person Malek. You have no idea the respect I have for you. You are a survivor. You are a Bear Grylls of the societal world. Be proud of what you've done. Look at others with pity that they aren't as strong as you've been and are, and they haven't experienced what you have.


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