# Forcing myself to go out



## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

For quite some time, I've always just sat at home on the computer, but now that I'm 22, I just felt like I had to take action. After going to my Church's youth group for people my age (which is pretty big, 100-200 people), I would go there and then talk myself out of it and leave. Finally, I just forced myself to go inside, and I loved it. I've been going for the past 2 weeks because of it.

Now I still want to get a girlfriend since I've never dated, and I still struggle. People say "Just observe something in your surroundings and start a convo on it" but for me, that's not something that comes naturally. Ironically, I had to interview random people for school last year, but after messing up the first try and realizing it wasn't that bad, I got very calm in asking random people for their opinions on things. 

Now, a year later, I feel like I should go with that approach when trying to get an icebreaker for talking to girls. I'm going to try it today, and I have a good feeling that I will do well! I think the appeal of doing it this way is, if the girl doesn't seem interesting to me, or sense she isn't interested, I can end the convo and thank her for her opinion. If it goes well, I can keep asking her things and get more personal, make her laugh a few times, and she'll almost forget the reason I even approached her. Wish me luck!


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## john kimble (Aug 21, 2011)

Do bro! I believe in you!!


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Well, I went out the other day trying to do that approach, but I did horrible. I ended up just walking around and talking to nobody. I decided that I wasn't ready enough to approach a girl and just ask her opinion on something. I actually went back and read my first post from when I joined here last November, and thought to myself "Wow, it's almost been a year and I'm tired of being like this" which motivated me; So today I tried a smaller step by asking for directions. I stopped two girls coming out of a store and asked them where something was, and they politely told me, and it felt amazing to just to stop someone in public randomly, even if only for directions. 

I then talked to some store clerks, as well as giving two random people that walked by compliments on their shirt! It felt amazing to just be social! I was also trying to impress people the other day by wearing dressier clothes and jeans, but it just wasn't me, and instead, today, I wore exercise pants and my nerdy domo shirt. To be honest, already knowing I was being myself by wearing that gave me even more confidence, and of course you get some looks, but people keep on their way. One guy even complimented my shirt.

Overall, I took a big step today, and hope to take even more this weekend! My neighbors party is tomorrow, so I'll hopefully get to talk with some people there!


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## ohionick (Sep 4, 2011)

i am in the same boat, i have forced myself to go out, especially sports bars since i love sports and often there are other guys there watching the game and you can ask them who their rooting for among other things and often there are really cute waitresses too, i have never had much luck with girls, i have gotten offers before and girls have complimented me on my eyes but it's like when i have a chance at a relationship, i close myself off because i have gotten so used to being alone and doing stuff alone that i am afraid of something new, i am afraid of changing my routine and habits and having a girlfriend/dating requires sacrfices, it just depresses me sometimes that i feel like i should be living a better life, going out, dating , just enjoying my youth but i dont do alot to change it, i have tried this year especially, having more meaningful convos, tryiing to be less awkward doing convos, just trying to be myself more around girls even if it is the barber shop, the mall, at least i can say i have tried


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## Cole87 (Aug 15, 2011)

Only way it seems to kick SA in the butt is to push yourself some how, no matter how little or big u do it. Kick it in the butt hard


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## ohionick (Sep 4, 2011)

Cole87 said:


> Only way it seems to kick SA in the butt is to push yourself some how, no matter how little or big u do it. Kick it in the butt hard


your right, some of SA might be a personality thing or preconceived notions about people and social settings and of course all of those can be kicked to the curb


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## nessersqt (Jul 21, 2010)

Gopher it^^


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

ohionick said:


> i am afraid of changing my routine and habits and having a girlfriend/dating requires sacrfices, it just depresses me sometimes that i feel like i should be living a better life, going out, dating , just enjoying my youth but i dont do alot to change it, i have tried this year especially, having more meaningful convos, tryiing to be less awkward doing convos, just trying to be myself more around girls even if it is the barber shop, the mall, at least i can say i have tried


Yup, that's exactly my situation too. Part of me wants the change badly, and part of me wants everything to stay the same, and the only way to overcome it is to force yourself to go outside your comfort zone. I plan on just doing what I did today a few more times, then working up towards actually holding convo's with girls and then getting numbers; Have to take small steps.


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## beagleman (May 27, 2011)

Hello all, I have been struggling too. Today I went on a singles wine tour with 50 other people. It was a bus tour and on the way up you sat next to a girl and talked and did sort of speed dating. This was hard for me and i struggled but did it. After a while i asked a girl for a date/phone number but she said no. I did not give up but have much difficulties getting rapport with girls. In the wine tasting a lot of the girls stuck together in large groups, and large groups is my biggest fear more than asking a girl for a date. Anyway the day was frustrating, no reward, most of the girls i spoke to lived too far away to date. Despite me feeling depressed on the bus i still tried and did not avoid social interaction, I know my social skills are getting better, I think my main obstacle now is opportunity to date, as I find it difficult to find single woman.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today went quite well! I went to the mall to try ask for directions to places again, and I ended up asking a cute store employee and then giving her a compliment. Then, later on, I went to my friends party and talked to a bunch of people there. At times where I would normally keep my thoughts to myself, I opened my mouth and talked instead, and got to know a few people because of it. Overall, was a very social day and I enjoyed it! Need to keep working at it though, can't let myself slip back like I did in the past.


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## gilt (Jan 7, 2010)

Great going eric254, reading through your posts I can see that you're on a roll!


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

eric254 said:


> Well, I went out the other day trying to do that approach, but I did horrible. I ended up just walking around and talking to nobody. I decided that I wasn't ready enough to approach a girl and just ask her opinion on something. I actually went back and read my first post from when I joined here last November, and thought to myself "Wow, it's almost been a year and I'm tired of being like this" which motivated me; So today I tried a smaller step by asking for directions. I stopped two girls coming out of a store and asked them where something was, and they politely told me, and it felt amazing to just to stop someone in public randomly, even if only for directions.
> 
> I then talked to some store clerks, as well as giving two random people that walked by compliments on their shirt! It felt amazing to just be social! I was also trying to impress people the other day by wearing dressier clothes and jeans, but it just wasn't me, and instead, today, I wore exercise pants and my nerdy domo shirt. To be honest, already knowing I was being myself by wearing that gave me even more confidence, and of course you get some looks, but people keep on their way. One guy even complimented my shirt.
> 
> Overall, I took a big step today, and hope to take even more this weekend! My neighbors party is tomorrow, so I'll hopefully get to talk with some people there!


Don't let one bad time stop you from continuing to try. Sometimes, thinks just don't go the way you think. The setting will be different next time.


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

nessersqt said:


> Gopher it^^


Beaver it too.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

eric254 said:


> Today went quite well! I went to the mall to try ask for directions to places again, and I ended up asking a cute store employee and then giving her a compliment. Then, later on, I went to my friends party and talked to a bunch of people there. At times where I would normally keep my thoughts to myself, I opened my mouth and talked instead, and got to know a few people because of it. Overall, was a very social day and I enjoyed it! Need to keep working at it though, can't let myself slip back like I did in the past.


Nice man! It's true that once you get on a roll you really get on a roll and things start to snowball. Use this confidence to keep propelling yourself forward as much as possible. Most importantly, when (and you will) you face an obstacle or something gets you down, remember how you feel right now and the progress you've made - that will help you get back on your horse and keep plowing ahead.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was decent. I, yet again, approached a group of random girls and asked them for directions. I feel like I can do this with ease now and need to move on to something more challenging, like holding a conversation with a random girl. I also feel like I still need to be a little more outspoken, for example, I saw plenty of situations where I observed something, like a person yawning, where I could said "exciting day?" or something like that. Maybe my next goal should be to actually say what I observe instead of keeping it to myself.


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## olesilentone (Jan 22, 2011)

Sounds like some good stuff. I am 23 and feel like I had a slight revelation much like yours the other night. Ended up going out last night and acting like a real goof in public, of course I drank a bit but usually I still remain anxious unless around friends. I did a dance that probably conveyed me as a headcase, and , along with my friends, I spoke with some girls in a lineup for the club for a good chunk of time. Not girls I would like to date, but I felt comfortable to act myself. They were actually girls who would probably usually shy away from me, but they seemed to be amused/comfortable. I actually initiated the conversation, too, if I remember right. That said, I didn't do much today.

I see in your last post you mention the idea that you should comment on what you observe more, which I always found can work for or against you depending on the context. Not everyone is welcoming to someone making those kind of comments to them, even if they're harmless. Depends on what crowd I guess. However, there are times when that seemingly mundane comment turns into a decent conversation. So, you have defeat with little consequence, or on the other side you have minor victory with possibility for substantial progress. 

Anyhow, good to see some progress from a brother in arms. Keep us updated.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Today was just an average day. I went to my college and walked around, but didn't really see any opportunities for conversation. There was one cute girl that walked past me on the way back to my car, and we made eye contact, but I didn't say anything. I feel like that's the next step I need to take, and that's what I'm going to set for myself. I have to make eye contact with someone I'm walking by, and give them a compliment and whatever happens, happens.

On the brightside, last night I decided to go to the bookstore, and two guys were talking about business in the marketing section, and I joined in their conversation instead of keeping quiet, and it felt good to just speak my mind!

Edit: Well, I decided to go write some notes at the bookstore, and I ended up hearing this group of 5 people talking about video games. I contemplated not talking to them about it, but forced myself to, and ended up having a good conversation. It's getting a lot easier with more and more positive experiences socializing! It's getting to the point where I'm actually looking forward to being social every day.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

Continued to force myself to go out today. I have been trying to hold eye contact when walking by people a little longer. I can hold eye contact easily in conversations, but it just feels weird when passing by strangers, so that's my next goal. I also stopped 2 random girls again and asked for directions again, and complimented 3 people on what they were wearing. It really is becoming easier to force myself into situations. You still have the anxiety, but it doesn't control you as much, but more you control it.


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## olesilentone (Jan 22, 2011)

Good stuff Eric. Hope to start doing something similar to this at some point. I am still trying to learn the way around my own campus, have yet to visit the cafeteria or pub, so that is one of the first things I need to do before any social stuff.

It sounds like the observation for socialization method is working for you.


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## Mark02 (May 4, 2010)

Awesome Eric. Keep it up. I wish I could accomplish half of what you've done.


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## eric254 (Nov 8, 2010)

The last couple days I slowed down a little, but still made progress. Went to my youth group the other day which was fun. Today I saw a girl walking towards me, making eye contact a few times, as I was exiting the grocery store. I liked her hair, so I told her "I like your hair" and she smiled and said thanks. 

Something I was afraid to do ended up being extremely easy. Instead of wanting a girlfriend, I've changed my mindset to complimenting people and brightening their day, whether I'm attracted to them or not, and if a girlfriend comes through that, then great. It's a lot better than trying anything I've done in the past and can easily lead to conversation. The best way to break social anxiety is to care about others more than yourself; If you get embarrassed, but in the process cheer up someone that's had a miserable day or is feeling down, I think that's well worth the embarrassment.

I always used to think "If I say this, what will they think of ME?" "Will they think 'I' am funny?" "Will they like ME?". I started thinking, Most of us are doing the same thing, worrying about ourselves, so be the person that stops being selfish and cares about others, and in return, they'll actually like you. Wouldn't you like someone that told you, "cool hat" or "you look good in green" or "you have a cute smile". So now, I'm making it a priority to compliment AT LEAST one person a day.


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## ohionick (Sep 4, 2011)

i definitely force myself to go out, i have been going to sports bars alone just to be around people and there are always cute girls, once you have a few beers, it eases some of the anxiety, i feel like more of a loser if i stay in all the time.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

ohionick said:


> i definitely force myself to go out, i have been going to sports bars alone just to be around people and there are always cute girls, once you have a few beers, it eases some of the anxiety, i feel like more of a loser if i stay in all the time.


Plus the girls get cuter, as the empty bottles go up


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## yager75 (Mar 14, 2011)

Awesome job! Keep it up dude, I love reading about this, because it inspires me. I want to be able to do what you are doing.


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