# Progress journal



## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Hey guys I've been on here for a while but never really posted much, because I enjoy reading more and am a bit of a lazy writer but I wanna change that. I've seen a few fantastic journals from guys, so I thought I contribute and show the female perspective. I try to keep things short to the point and structured cause ppl dislike reading long post. BTW English is not my first languish.

*Background*
Only found out about SA last year in May when I stumbled across this website after that got diagnosed by a doctor.
SAD formed at puberty due to family issues, bulling at high school and being molested by a family member in childhood. Bulling continued while at college and at my first job. Because of that I never had a boy or girlfriend. I didn't trust men and could never connect with them, and was anxious to get intimate.

*Therapy*
Not on medication. Tried Lexapro and Oxazepam but don't like the side effects and drugs are not a long-term solution. CBT, exposure therapy after that and 6 sessions with a very good psychologist.

*Progress so far*
Anxiety improved from a 8 to a 4-5. More self esteem, not worried to go to work, more confident to talk in groups and read in public, got better at connecting with ppl especially with men, even made a few male friends now. Improved social skills.
Not scared of dating.

*Goals*


Go on dates to gain move experience and find a partner - will use internet dating, as I don't meet many ppl at work (office job).
Get active on my career - will use training, networking(don't we SA ppl hate it)
Post at least twice a week about my progress.
 Thanks guys, any questions and if you like post me your journal links.


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## danberado (Apr 22, 2010)

Well, I'm curious what the focus of the bullying has been? And I hope you make enough progress to warrant that twice-a-week update goal


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Bulling puts you down and takes your self confidence away when it happens in the early years. It wasn't physical. It made me very quiet I just wanted to be invisible. I mentioned it because it is definitely a contributor to my anxiety.


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## danberado (Apr 22, 2010)

So was it 
vocal from men and women?


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Yes from both. They would just pick on me as I was a bit of a geeky kid that wouldn't always knew what was in at the time. The good thing was that I still had a few friends and I wasn't the only one that got picked on. From the outside it must have looked like that I just brushed it off. As I don't wanted them to see that it gets to me.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress Journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
I spend over 2 hrs on oasis active. Set up my account and already got some contacts. I have been chatting with 2 guys. I never thought it would be so much work. U have to chat to guys in order to sass em out. I have done internet dating before for a little while and met up with 2 guys but 1 was a player and the other one to pushy.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
I work for government have been working for them over 2 years now. I started off in the field but was lucky to make it in the office. For 2 month I have been working in Customer support. I was worried to start the job but at the same time excited to learn new things and try my best to not let SAD get in my way. It already lessened my fear of answering the phone. I'm only in a temporary position and hope to stay. In the mean time I will learn as much as I can. From different computer programs to minding the phones. 
So today I organized my work folder, put my name on waiting lists for course that are provided by my employer. Things go very slow here down under especially in government


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
Spend 1 hour on the dating website. There are 2 guys I my wanna go on a date with.
I need to gain dating experience the more dates I go the less nervous I'll get in future. Problem has been I get nervous blush get a black out and because of that can't take part in the conversation.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
Had a good day at work. a few weeks ago I expressed my interest on an projects inspector job. I was a bit nervous to talk to him because he never talks to me much apart from saying good morning. You could think he doesn't like me but I analyzed my thought and believes and there is no reason for disliking me, as I have not behaved in a negative way. His social skills are just not the best.
So surprisingly he said yes we actually need someone as a holiday fill in. This is an awesome opportunity to learn new skills even if it's only for 2 1/2 weeks. If later a position comes available I will have better chances getting that job.
Today was my first training day.

Sub goal finding a new house mate:
Last week my close friend I've been sharing with told me that she is moving in with her girlfriend.
Now I have to do this daunting task off getting a random in. Advertised a few days ago and replied to a couple of emails today.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress Journal*

1. Work on goal get into a meaningful relationship:
I felt a bit down the last 2 days. The reason for it is that my friend
moved out and now I hardly see her because she has got a partner now and
she is very clingy when she gets into a relationship. She said she would
ring me and come over but she didn't. And my other close friend (we
dated for 4 month) told me that he is moving in with his gf. Made me feel
really lonely. 
I'm fearing of losing 2 good mates. He invited me over and we had a good chat that
helped a lot
I haven't been on the dating website for the last 2 days because I
was busy working on goal 3. But had a few min and went online today.

2. Work on goal further my career:
I made a lot of progress in the last 3 days. On Wednesday I signed up
for the Career guidance and planning and the coordinator rang up and
made an appointment for next Monday. Yesterday I signed up for a few
more courses Diploma in Project Management, Market Yourself for Job
Selection, CVs that Sell&#8230; You, Exploring Your Career Options and Reports
and Proposals Writing. Today I had a study day were I got myself
familiar with a new computer program.
I need to work more on my networking skills, this is hard as I
experience anxiety around certain ppl at work. I used to avoid those
ppl, now I incorporate them in my exposure therapy and softened the
anxiety with fare a few co workers. But there is one gorgeous, lovely
girl I can't speak more then 4 sentences without blushing. Next week I
will work on that!

3. Work on sub goal finding a new house mate:
Had a guy coming over to have a look at the house. I felt relaxed
around him he liked the place very much und would like to move in within
1 or 2 weeks. I will still keep the ad running if no one else is
applying he'll be my new house mate.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress Journal*

1. Work on goal get into a meaningful relationship:
Did not reach my goal last week. Was busy with my new house mate moving 
in. And had 2 friends over on Tuesday and Wednesday. Have to keep 
sticking to my goal of going on an internet dating side and updating the
progress journal at least twice a week. It is a manageable goal. 
Done exposure exercise and started a conversation with that girl that
always gives me high anxiety. I had mild SA we chatted for 3 min. 
Unfortunately she is leaving tomorrow to work somewhere else.
It was a good exposure.

2. Work on goal further my career: 
Learned more in the current roll I'm working in. Have met up with the 
career councilor twice. I had quite high anxiety levels on the first
meeting but today not much at all. He is very helpful.

3. Work on sub goal finding a new house mate: 
Goal is achieved. My new house mate moved in. He is very outgoing and 
talks a lot so that will be great practice to kick SA.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress Journal*

1. Work on goal get into a meaningful relationship:
Spend 2 hours on the dating side. Chatted to a few guys and will soon make a decision which one I wanna meet first.

2. Work on goal further my career: 
Started to up date my resume and found a accredited translator to get my oversees degrees translated. Contacted her and made an appointment.

3. Work on sub goal finding a new house mate: 
Goal is achieved. My new house mate moved in. He is very outgoing and 
talks a lot so that will be great practice to kick SA.


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## MojoCrunch (Mar 25, 2011)

What a nice little organized journal. Looks like your really putting in some effort. Congrats on the goals you've accomplished so far and keep it up. Hopefully you can go all the way. You seem to be doing great already.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Thanks Mojo. Everything is going pretty well except that I haven't dated anyone yet. It takes time and a lot of effort but I am sick of winging and self pity, only ourselves can turn things around.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
Spend 2 hours on the dating website. But because it was during lunch hours non off my chat partners were online. Chatted to 2 new guys but it turned out that they only wanted to hook up. They clearly did not read my profile. That makes me think if my profile is not to good, well here it is: 
I am quite an independent person. Love to travel been already to many different countries. Love more the backpacking type idea and not the hotel itinerary traveling.
I have got a stable job that I like I work towards achieving my goals. Enjoy catching up with friends. Going to the movies not big on the clubbing anymore but like to go out for a dance once in a while. Love the nature going to the national parks, camping, the beach, gardening.
Music is a big passion like to go to gigs when ever time permits it. I learn to play the guitar as well.

I am looking for someone that is willing to get to know me and is not to pushy. I am looking for an honest guy that knows where he is heading in life. Is here for the obvious reasons, after all it's a dating website and not a hook up site.
It be great if you are a non smoker, social smoker/drinker are fine but if you have the need for a drink every day well that's not for me then.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
It's going very well sighed up for a few courses.

Sub goal finding a new house mate:
My new house mate moved in. He is ok we get along fine. But I am starting to get annoyed of his too much talking. He hardly ever shuts up.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
Again I spend 2 hours on the dating website. But because it was during lunch hours non off my chat partners were online. In those 2 hours 35 people checked out my profile and only 5 wanted to contact me. 2 were after hook ups only and 2 were to old, the last one seems fine. That makes me think if my profile is not to good. I know that I'm only of average looks but people still check out my profile after seeing my photo.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
It's going very well sighed up for a few courses.

Sub goal finding a new house mate:
My new house mate moved in. I am getting used to my house mates very outgoing character. Time for a new goal: Stop skin picking - dermatillomania

Work on goal 3 Stop skin picking:
I have been picking mainly hands and face but more hands to avoid the face. I have been doing that ever since I can remember.
This gonna be a tough goal as hard as goal No. 1. Today I researched dermatillomania.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
Ups it's been 13 days since my last update. Well I've been working hard on most of my goals. I've done fair a bit internet dating and met up with 2 guys.
Before the meet ups I will always talk to them on the phone which makes me so nervous. That I have to force myself to do it. But I calm down after a while.
Both meet ups went well. I did not click with any but was able to hold a conversation.
The first one did not do anything about his appearance he wore dirty sneakers with way to long jeans and a sloppy jumper and no deodorant. Ok I'm not to superficial but you should try to sell yourself and make an effort. He did not even have a coffee with me had to drink my own. I raped it up after an hour.
The second one started off awkward we both didn't know what to say. So I suggested to grab a coffee and go for a walk and from there on we hit it off and talked for 4 hours I was exhausted afterward. I felt good about the meet up, we agreed to meet again. The next morning he rang me but for some strange reason he was not able to hold a conversation and my gut feeling was not right. Then after a while he ask me a question how I like it in the bedroom. And I said NEXT? lol


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Work on goal 2 further my career:
Sighed up for a few courses. One course got canceled because of not enough participants. Next week I have been asked to work in the admin section again. 
I am not to happy with my work performance. I should have put more effort into it to learn more while I was working as a holiday fill in as an projects inspector because i really like this job. Will change that.
Went to a house warming from a co worker. I did not feel like going cause most of the guest are street performers very outgoing. Had a great night with only 2 drinks talked to 10 of the 30 guest, not the street performers. 

Work on goal 3 Stop skin picking:
Nil, infect picking right now. It's a hard one to work on.


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## WaterStone (Aug 24, 2011)

Sounds like you're making good progress and keeping up with your goal tracking. Good job with the party!


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Cheers I try my best I wanna get out of the rut. And have to put myself out there a bit.
Wish you all the best with your goals.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
After the 2 meet ups had a little break from the dating sides this week. Often I don't feel like doing the online chatting. It feels like so much work. But that's why I've been single no effort no nothing. I've been on today briefly to message all my contacts.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
Went to a day course on "How to market yourself for job selection", that was very informative. Started to write a new up dated resume. Done a online course "How to attend that job". Meet up with my career councilor, went through an mock interview that was so helpful.

Work on goal 3 Stop skin picking:
Nil. May be I'm not ready for this goal. Also haven't found good help online yet.
I may take it of the list for now.

New goal: Make me fit - get back to 55kg
Since I started my office job 4 month ago because of an accident I put on weight, about 6kg. Would love to get back to 55kg. Went for a bike ride with my house mate and cooked healthy dinner. I wanna fill my best it will give me a boost for the dating. Healthy body healthy mind.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship:
I went on the dating site yesterday and today, accepted a new contact. Messaged all contacts that were not online and chatted to 4 ppl, one of them seems to be after a friends with benefits only so I'll drop him. 
Checked out the Meet ups website and found a heap of great groups that may be of interest. It be another good way to meet ppl in person. I contacted a languish group from my home country and I would love to have a German friend in down under.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
Well had one of those days didn't feel to well and took the day off and finished some stuff I work on.

New goal 3: Make me fit - get back to 55kg
Started to get back in my part time garden maintenance business that will be great exercise. Done a job for 2 hours yesterday. Healthy eating and indoor exercise today.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship
Done no internet dating last week and this week as well. 
Have a friend over that I don't see to often so we spend some time 
together after work. It's great progress. 
I know her for a year now, she is a friend of a friend. And I used to 
get anxiety around her and now I am not afraid to be just me.
I signed up for a volunteering organization - State Emergency Services. 
They meet once a week for training it was on my list for ages but I just
procrastinated. It will be good meeting new ppl, exposure practice and 
learning new things as well as giving back to the community. 
And you never know who you meet. I prefer to meet someone in real life 
rather than on a dating site. Dating sites are good because they give 
you instant dating practice, in real life it may takes ages until you get
a date.
I haven't heard back from the meet up group that I contacted, 
will contact them again.

Work on goal 2 further my career:
I seem to get anxiety around authority ppl. My supervisor is really cool
but she always triggers my SA. I wish I could joke with her or talk longer
but so far are only able to keep communication brief with her. 
Just like today again.
I work in admin atm it's rather boring but pays the bills. 
I see the career councilor on Tomorrow and I am working on a resume + 
cover letter for a high profile government position as an assignment.

Goal 3: Make me fit - get back to 55kg
Going well been eating healthy and working out 3 times a week. 
My scale is not working but I can feel that my pants fit better .


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

This is a really great thread. I wish you all the best.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

^^I agree, great thread^^


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Thanks guys. I still have to go a long way but can already see huge improvements. 
May last year I hit rock bottom but then finally could put a name to this condition. 
3 years ago I only had one friend and now I've got a hand full off good 
friends that I spend time with on a regular basis.
A lot is possible by changing the way of thinking and your outlook to the future.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

*Progress journal*

Work on goal 1 get into a meaningful relationship
I'm taking a break from the internet dating until next week because I'm 
to busy with goal No.:2 atm. I'm waiting to get contacted by the 
Volunteering organization and the meetup's group that I signed up with.
I get the feeling that I am a bit slack with this goal, it's because it 
doesn't come naturally to me, it requires so much effort. Anyways I 
review my goals on a weekly basis and as long as I have done something 
to move forward it's ok. You can have an off day or have a break.
Work on goal 2 further my career:

Finally there has come up an internal job offer that I like, the 
application deadline in next Tuesday. I am not the best writer so it 
takes me longer to do thoes applications.
At work I love to listen to talk back radio like the ABC in Brisbane when
ever I can. It is a great way to catch up on current affairs. It helps me
with having to do small talk and you don't know what to talk about. 
I work in a big office you can't hide from ppl. It's an open environment 
with only a few single rooms available. As an introvert with ADHD I need 
a quiet room. But I noticed that some ppl (3) still love to chat with me 
and come in to say hello. One guy chats to me every day. I'm not sure if 
he likes me. I like him as a work friend but not more because his 
personality is way to different from mine. I have no anxiety around him 
anymore. I have worked out that I have SA with new ppl for weeks at a 
time. But as I get to know them it gradually goes away. Last weekend I 
stayed at a friends place one of her house mates is very outgoing 
therefore triggers SA. Before I wouldn't spend much time with him kept 
conversations brief but I wanted to get to know him in order to challenge my SA. 
And after an hour talking with him SA went from a high to a low. 
This is a huge positive, I can use this for example at work where there 
are a few ppl that trigger my anxiety. Instead of avoiding them I should 
get comfortable around em.

Goal 3: Make me fit - get back to 55kg

Since the last up date I gone backwards. No exercise, way to many social 
smokes over the weekend. But I had good nutritious foot but to many of it.
It's so healthy, in my case, to not live a lone. When I lived by myself 
I would hardly cook and mostly eat junk. But now I enjoy cooking healthy 
dinners with my house mate. BTW I have 2 house mates now the 2. one is so sweet he is a chef, very polite, not so self obsessed like the other one.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Damn it I'm living with an narcissist of the worst kind. It's all about him, him, him. Not how was your day. I tell you about my day.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

On a good note I finished the job application and em pretty happy with it as well. But have been very slack with goal No. 1.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

I am pretty down atm because of the problems I've got with my house mate. He is drinking almost every day. And he talks so much. He is signed up with hook up sides and just meets random woman. That doesn't bother me since the girls only want to hook up as well. But then he calls he mate and talks in disgusting languish about the girls. I was talking to my other house mate about something and I could see him in his room laughing about me. He walked off as I said something to him. 
I stayed at a friends place yesterday and got send home from work because I bursted into tears cause I had a ruff night before. He drank again talked to girls loud on the phone at 11pm. As I politely asked him to turn it down a bit he shouted "I can't even f#[email protected] talk on the phone in my room that I'm renting." Walked out and slammed the door.
There are more things like the next morning I'm trying to be polite and said good morning and he said "What ever F#$%ing morning." I said then if you are not happy here then you should move out, which he said he will. But when he came home from work he apologized. 
And tonight he is drinking again and laugh about me. I will asked him to move out but I hate having to deal with his reaction.


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## Lautgedacht (May 19, 2010)

Damn it I just wrote this super long up date and accidently clicked on something. Have up date another time bummer.


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