# Why can't I feel 'CONNECTED' as before?



## catcat520 (Oct 9, 2011)

so, I am like a very outgoing person before, well I still am. But like I don't feel deeply connected with my current freinds anymore. 

Just a year ago, I feel perfectly fine on connecting with people, with freinds. I know the feeling when we all feeling inside, our soul is connecting. And we just know each other so well that we don't need to say a word. We enjoyed talking with each other, sharing stories about the precious pages of our life, our deepest secretes. I have about 5 or six of that kind of freinds in my old school. It feels like I just know how to talk to them, how to make them happy and know who they really are. Then, I had a trip to UK. it was really good, I made tons of freinds and they all loved me for who I am (I'm actually the weird and funny type), and a few that really close up our hearts to. Although, I got hurt from the person I like. The story is like that: the guy who liked me asks me that who do I like in the group, and I told him "TL(just pretend thats the name)", then he bought two teddy bears and give one to TL saying it was from me without my permission. He told me that "OH he didnt accept your teddy bear." I was really mad at him. Later, the guy who liked me told my cousin something. And she told me that he said not to tell me that TL said that I am too loud and I am too ugly for him. (But then, my cousin is jealous of me at that time somehow, so she might be like making things up? idk she seems to be entertained to listen to the guy liked me) I believed it and I felt so hurt. And when I see TL, and he made fun with his freinds about my tan skin using really bad words. It was really hurtful, though I beared it through the time. I have no one to tell, because non of my trusted best freinds were around. I decide to bury it, since its not really a fun thing to tell. Though, I became so much quiet than I was, sometime I felt fear that I never felt. Later, the trip seems to go fine for me again. I made a true freind, and we were really feeling inside and we talked and really undertood each other. I was being the funnist girl in the whole group, and many guys liked me after including TL's brother. He was calling me because of his brother, so I was like I thought you think I'm ugly and loud, but then he was like "no, since when? I think your quiet pretty." I don't know if its true, but the scar that I had seems to stay there no matter what. In the end of the trip, I had my first boy freind, he was kind of a nice guy in my group. Everybody is very positive about our relationship. Though, I regreted so bad later. Because I think I am being with him not because I really liked him, but because I want to get rid of TL's brother (he is very stubborn) and I just want to try not to be single. So, I feel like I don't have any feeling for him as soon as a returned from the trip, but then we still dated. for few times, and I heared that he have really disgusting behaviors about hygiene. So, I felt even more disgusted. 

Then, I moved to my school now. It is a international school also, but not as big and awesome as the previous one. Though, I feel enough. The people in the school are very innocent in my point of view for their age, maybe because I have experienced too much. The guys don't even swear or like be perverted or something. I was so suprised. There are three people I met when I first entered my new school (I changed the names) Shelly, Harry, and Ary. There are all new students, too moved together from the same school. Ary is a guy. I got close to them quickly, and it was easy for me to define their personality at first. Shelly she wanted attention and she is quiet fun to share stuff too, Harry fitting the environment, had chocked me for her innocentness, her laugh punch is very very low, she usually laughs at everything, and she likes those random and weird combinations. Ary is a guy, he is the annoying type of guy in class, the loud one that teacher always picks on. Though, in the new school, he seems to be popular(I think maybe the school really don't have other cooler people to be popular, so.. ) and he likes all japanese stuff. at first it was fine, then there's kind of a messed up freindship between me and those three, I was extremely worried, jealoused, and stressed. They seems not to see me as who I really am, but take me as someone else that I wasn't even I part of. Sometimes, I felt left out, and not being heard of what I am saying between them. I was never felt this way before with my freinds. And it could be like that because I underestimated all of them as childish little kids and I don't use the way that I usually communicate with people. And at last year, I feel like I am tired of being social and being freinds with everybody and be popular, I want to just enjoy being in a staple group. And the people in my current school is very little, so I can barely have other freind choice. And there, I crash and I turn and I feel all the negative feelings that i had never had before, it was like a nightmare. I think I really lost myself into it. And now, I really missed the feeling when me and my freinds are deeply connected before. It feels like I have lost a piece of myself because of crash and torn part from last year. What happened? Can I still feel anymore connected?


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## CorruptToaster (Oct 9, 2011)

*hug* I want to speak with you. private message?


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