# No friends in my mid 40’s



## Afeni Patterson Morse (Mar 16, 2019)

I don’t know where to start. I’m a middle age woman with no friends and no life due to my anxiety, depression, and insecurities. I hate small talk. I find it useless. I enjoy speaking with people who are very knowledgeable about a particular subject. I enjoy learning about new things depending on the topic of discussion. I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion. This could be why I lack friends but I was hoping that someone exist in the US, particularly Louisiana, whose dialogue goes further then the cramp on television


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

Afeni Patterson Morse said:


> I don't know where to start. I'm a middle age woman with no friends and no life due to my anxiety, depression, and insecurities. I hate small talk. I find it useless. I enjoy speaking with people who are very knowledgeable about a particular subject. I enjoy learning about new things depending on the topic of discussion. I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion. This could be why I lack friends but I was hoping that someone exist in the US, particularly Louisiana, whose dialogue goes further then the cramp on television


Quite a lot of people on here say a similar thing to you - that they hate small talk. I don't actually - I quite like it. It's sort of necessary because you can't just start off talking about really serious stuff with people, it will turn them off.

Lots of people from the US on here - and quite a few people a similar age to you. (I'm older and live in Australia)


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Afeni Patterson Morse said:


> I hate small talk. I find it useless.


That's something you have to learn to change, and learn to use to your advantage. You don't need to talk about TV, you need to find other things you can redirect the conversation to which are accessible to most. Sometimes small talk is just verbal white noise and it doesn't matter what you say, but sometimes it's the means by which you discover when someone is knowledgeable about particular subjects you want to have a big talk conversation about.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

I struggle to make conversation with people as well. It's not a lack of will on my part, it's mostly when someone throws a comment at me i can't always think of a response let alone a good one. I attribute it to autustic traits. If we are discussing something I'm knowledgeable about then its another matter but when it comes to making general conversation I'm missing a chip somewhere. This is why I've struggled to make friends throughout my life and there's little to be done about it as people only want to be around other people who are good at conversations and inject fun into their lives.


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## railcar82594 (Mar 1, 2016)

Afeni Patterson Morse said:


> I don't know where to start. I'm a middle age woman with no friends and no life due to my anxiety, depression, and insecurities. I hate small talk. I find it useless. I enjoy speaking with people who are very knowledgeable about a particular subject. I enjoy learning about new things depending on the topic of discussion. I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion. This could be why I lack friends but I was hoping that someone exist in the US, particularly Louisiana, whose dialogue goes further then the cramp on television


I'm slightly similar in that I found it more enjoyable to talk to friendly people who are knowledgeable about certain subjects (and also don't judge) other than the media and entertainment brainwashing, but these days it's so rare to find. Because most often, people who are "knowledgeable" are also 'normies' who also (eventually) look down on SA misfits/handicaps like myself and others. I don't have friends either now, but who cares; we're all going to be dead soon enough as no one lives multiple centuries and so on and most people who ever lived are not remembered anyway by the majority of the population. But good luck in your search for meaningful friends in your state. Sometimes it's just luck what happens in life in the end.


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## IwannaMoveAway (Aug 9, 2016)

railcar82594 said:


> I'm slightly similar in that I found it more enjoyable to talk to friendly people who are knowledgeable about certain subjects (and also don't judge) other than the media and entertainment brainwashing, but these days it's so rare to find. Because most often, people who are "knowledgeable" are also 'normies' who also (eventually) look down on SA misfits/handicaps like myself and others. I don't have friends either now, but who cares; we're all going to be dead soon enough as no one lives multiple centuries and so on and most people who ever lived are not remembered anyway by the majority of the population. But good luck in your search for meaningful friends in your state. Sometimes it's just luck what happens in life in the end.


Who cares about friends because we'll all be dead within a century? That's the worst advice i've ever read.

OP: Small talk is essential in building rapport, a foundation for conversation, it can unveil information that leads to great conversation. Also, lighten up, you can't be so high and mighty that you wont even listen to a friends view on their favourite tv show - even if it isn't yours, i'm sure you'll bring up a lotta nonsense they wont wanna listen too so you can't have it both ways.


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## JohnDoe26 (Jun 6, 2012)

> I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion.


Do a lot of people socially talk about politics and religion these days? I thought these were subjects one should avoid in polite company.


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## railcar82594 (Mar 1, 2016)

IwannaMoveAway said:


> Who cares about friends because we'll all be dead within a century? That's the worst advice i've ever read.


I've come to a point in my life where I've found so-called friends overrated, unnecessary, or just people who aren't really friends but just cause problems or guilt you because you're alone. That said, my point to the OP is that it's no big deal if you don't have friends now; learn to live and get by without them. It doesn't matter as we're not in our 20's or younger anymore with the silly pressure to look like having friends for status or other ulterior reasons. Anyways, it's all good if one lucks on a true good friend or two as life goes on as I mentioned at the end of my previous post which you completely ignored.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

andy0128 said:


> I struggle to make conversation with people as well. It's not a lack of will on my part, it's mostly when someone throws a comment at me i can't always think of a response let alone a good one. I attribute it to autustic traits. If we are discussing something I'm knowledgeable about then its another matter but when it comes to making general conversation I'm missing a chip somewhere. This is why I've struggled to make friends throughout my life and there's little to be done about it as people only want to be around other people who are good at conversations and inject fun into their lives.


 How has your stability been? I mean, did you move around a lot and get uprooted whenever you started to find some acceptance?

I found this was a big problem for me.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

Afeni Patterson Morse said:


> I don't know where to start. I'm a middle age woman with no friends and no life due to my anxiety, depression, and insecurities. I hate small talk. I find it useless. I enjoy speaking with people who are very knowledgeable about a particular subject. I enjoy learning about new things depending on the topic of discussion. *I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion.* This could be why I lack friends but I was hoping that someone exist in the US, particularly Louisiana, whose dialogue goes further then the cramp on television


 This is a relatively new problem because things weren't always like this (as I'm sure you know if you're in your 40s). "Reality TV" is a recent development and it used to be possible to talk to people about normal stuff without a lot of political and religious BS getting in the way. It's not just you. It's the times. I'm hoping it's just a phase society is going through.

But certainly older people are going to be your best chance for avoiding those topics. Although everything has been tainted by it so even if you are among people your own age you're going to have a pretty hard time getting away from it. This rotten culture permeates everything because it spreads through the internet.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Reality television is a mess. Period. I am hearing more and more about people on those shows having issues. They just draw attention to themselves which kinda makes it worse.


Small talk is where it's at. No big deal and it doesn't cause as much anxiety. Once you get started with a conversation, you might just find out that the other person was just as anxious!


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## AllGlad (Feb 16, 2018)

JohnDoe26 said:


> Do a lot of people socially talk about politics and religion these days? I thought these were subjects one should avoid in polite company.


I think those subjects tend to be things you talk with others when you know them a bit more or if you share a similiar background in...


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## Victoria845 (Jan 4, 2018)

I think two factors are important for making friends

- Be open to meet different people and ideas
- Focus more on what you have to offer (self-improvement) than on what others can give to you (the quality of your friends will depend on who you are)

Of course no one wants a shallow friend who only thinks about tanning and kardashians, but it is interesting to note that people are not black and white, sometimes an intelligent person of great knowledge does not want to talk about deep subjects all the time and may also like some mainstream tv shows and small talk (especially after a long day of work)

Sorry for the english. Have a good night


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## Citrine79 (Dec 14, 2016)

Afeni Patterson Morse said:


> I don't know where to start. I'm a middle age woman with no friends and no life due to my anxiety, depression, and insecurities. I hate small talk. I find it useless. I enjoy speaking with people who are very knowledgeable about a particular subject. I enjoy learning about new things depending on the topic of discussion. I despise reality tv, talks about politics and religion. This could be why I lack friends but I was hoping that someone exist in the US, particularly Louisiana, whose dialogue goes further then the cramp on television


I'm a few years younger than you but I can completely relate. Especially the part about small talk being useless. I never sit in the breakroom at work because all anyone every talks about is food or their kids/dogs. I dislike hearing people discuss food and I don't have kids or dogs...never wanted kids and I am not a dog person so I have no interest in that. Also agree with you on reality tv...and well, for me all tv in general...mindless garbage in my opinion. I love to discuss deep, interesting topics but rarely do so outside of the few sites I post on and have zero friends now..and probably always.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

WillYouStopDave said:


> How has your stability been? I mean, did you move around a lot and get uprooted whenever you started to find some acceptance?
> 
> I found this was a big problem for me.


I have never felt that accepted anywhere to be honest.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

Me too, even though I'm not in my mid 40's yet, I already know I'll have no friends : /


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## springbreeze1 (Aug 4, 2016)

I'm in similar situation. I always struggle filling the "emergency contact" part of forms.


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## SocialAnxietyAndMe (Mar 21, 2019)

I know exactly how you feel. I'm turning 40 this year and I have no actual friends to speak of. I have loads of Facebook friends but they are mostly people I went to school with, ex-work colleagues and family members. Every person I end up being friends with always seems to have a hidden agenda. And as soon as I try to be an individual and not want to be controlled they tend to get nasty and come out with a long list of things they don't like about me or all the things that make me a bad person. I'm trying not to be discouraged by this and rather see this as an opportunity to work on my confidence and mental well being. Working on my positivity and gratefulness will eventually draw the right people into my life.


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## railcar82594 (Mar 1, 2016)

re: reality shows, or talking being interrupted by relgion or politics. It's strange these days I guess. I have to be careful where in the few conversations I've had(basically bs my way as a "good listener" for the most part when I suck socially) in the past few years with new acquaintances, somehow the talk comes to the current president when I've tried to stay away from talking about it. And most of the time, the other person kind of brings it up sneakily like a side comment such as "I can't believe our country has elected T_ump, it's unreal don't you think?". etc. or something like that. So I usually have to nod and pretend I don't really care or somewhat agree ambiguously, when I'm really just acknowledging and listening and hoping the topic moves on. Only one conversation where the other person "casually" mentioned they like T_ump. So I went "yep, me too" in relief.


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## The Notorious D.B.L (Aug 2, 2016)

I have loads of people at the meetup groups I talk to and do things with, but no true friends. It's so depressing. Just can't get anywhere with anyone and don't really get much out of superficial connections, with people I hardly ever see. 

I wish I had someone I could spend a lot of time with and be myself around again. I've spent far too much time on my own. Absolutely fed up with it. 

Wish I had someone to go on holiday with or something. I really need a break from the loneliness. 

It's just too hard trying to get anywhere with people. No chance with normal people and SA people are all paranoid and terrified of each other, or have deep seated avoidance issues. 

I'd kill just to have one person I felt a connection with, like I used to have.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

I have a few friends - one or two here and a couple back up where I grew up. I tend to isolate myself though and not go and see them, which is a big problem. One of my newer friends here keeps calling me though and hassling me - so that's quite lucky.

I had a lot more friends when I was younger. I had a couple of very close friends that I could tell anything to. I fell out with 2 of them though - I got sick of them and also got offended by what I thought they were saying, which is an even bigger problem. I know one of them would have been very hurt by that. It's a very hard thing to fix because I tend to take things much too personally.


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## lily (Nov 9, 2018)

Pete Beale said:


> I have loads of people at the meetup groups I talk to and do things with, but no true friends. It's so depressing. Just can't get anywhere with anyone and don't really get much out of superficial connections, with people I hardly ever see.
> 
> I wish I had someone I could spend a lot of time with and be myself around again. I've spent far too much time on my own. Absolutely fed up with it.
> 
> ...


hi, I'm sorry to hear that you have no friends in your mid-40's, you're still young. it might be later but I hope you'll get more true friends in real life. I'm not your age but I also want to have real life friends to go out with that I like to be friends with like with my former friend who was very jealous especially as she got older but not that part, the part where we're friends like family. I can sleep over at their house and take a shower and eat there, that's how it was like. 
I can relate, SA people do have these fears and avoidance issues. I only have one social anxiety issue. I'm not afraid to talk to people online and I like talking to people especially who I have a sense that their nice and I can connect w/ or just talk about things and that I like, not shallow or not genuine people. Yes when my condition gets better I wish to go on a holiday like a boat cruise w/ a friend I really like if they'd like to or just go w/ my family, it's better than nothing but it's nice to have friends. 
I think I'm going to try to go to a group I haven't gone to yet since it's sunnier and nicer outside now.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

I don't want friends, and that's a reflection of where my life is right now. If I had a success that made me feel somewhat good about myself, I'd try, but I don't so I don't. Being around other people just makes me feel bad about myself. Seeing successful people reminds me of what a mess my life has been.


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