# I told a guy how I felt about him. (long)



## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

About 5 months ago, I was at a 2nd birthday party for my cousin's son. Said cousin's in-laws were there, whom I have all met many times before. And at some point as I was talking to cousin's brother-in-law, it was just like BOOM, I felt very attracted to him. I knew it right away. It's interesting because I have met him before but didn't feel like this until this particular interaction. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't hate myself and am not down in the dumps anymore, feeling less inhibited and such. Anyway, I didn't think he gave any signs that he felt the same way, he was just very nice and friendly, made a lot of eye contact and that sort of thing. So I have been keeping this secret crush inside all this time, only telling a few people and wasn't sure what to do about it. I just kept replaying him talking to me over and over in my mind, he's very handsome. I thought it would just go away since I don't see him very often, he lives about 4 hours away. About 3 weeks ago, I decided I couldn't take it anymore and decided to write him a letter telling him exactly how I felt about him. (I don't know his e-mail or phone number, he's not on FB etc.) Me and my f***ing letters, what is this, 1923? I got his parents' address out of my aunt and uncle's rolodex :-O, wrote him my note, and sent it off. I did tell my therapist before I wrote the letter that I really felt I had to do it, and that I thought I would forever regret it if I just let this "secret" go on without telling him...I have too many regrets that I'm still dealing with anyway. She told me that she didn't think there was anything wrong or "pathological" about contacting him, and she said "however, this is pretty bold for you...you know what I mean?" And I knew exactly, because this is so not in my nature!

The contents of my letter to him were pretty deep. I started off by saying, "you are probably thinking why the hell is my brother-in-law's cousin writing me a letter?" I told him I was shy (but didn't go into the extent of it) and I hold a lot of my feelings inside. I said that I have had to deal with many deaths over the past few years and these experiences give me an overwhelming urgency to tell people how I feel about them sooner rather than later. I told him I liked him and realized it at the birthday party. I said he reminded me of my [deceased] dad in a few different ways, and that he was very kind and a perfect gentleman. I closed by saying that I did not mean to make him uncomfortable, and I understood if he did not feel the same way about me. I said I was not doing this to be obnoxious or funny because I wouldn't be going out of my comfort zone if I was just trying to be funny. I told him he must be a great person, because he was the reason I was doing one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Anyway, this past Monday there was an envelope from him in my mailbox. I just could not bring myself to open it. I knew I had a phone session coming up with my shrink in 2 days anyway, so I decided to hang on and open it then. I just felt like I wanted her "present" with me in some way as I read his letter. I know this is not the right term-but I wanted her there to "talk me down", so to speak, because I knew it was going to be emotional.

I had sent her a copy of my letter ahead of time. I told her I had been doubting myself, like I felt I got "too" personal and steamrolled him. She said she didn't think so and that it was "a beautifully written letter" and she pointed out how conscientious I was of making him aware that I knew there were boundaries and I made a point of apologizing if I embarrassed him...like I handled it in a very gentle way. I hadn't thought of that. That's why it's good to have someone to bounce this stuff off of. So I opened his letter...as I was tearing it open I said, "Dear senrab, please stay the f**k away from me. Yours truly, B." and she laughed.

So I started reading. I told her my hand was shaking and I was really nervous, she said "yeah, I figured." [remember, she can't see me, but she knows me so well she can guess what my body language is like] It was an incredibly kind and warm letter. He said in the middle of it that he was currently dating someone and he cared for her a lot. That hurt. But that being said, it was the next best thing to that, a "consolation prize" if you will, LOL. He said he really liked talking with me when I would come to visit his sister and my cousin, and that I was "great company." He wanted to be good friends and gave me his e-mail. He thanked me for all of the kind words and said "that was really special." He also said he was sorry about all of my recent losses, and that he had felt shy at times when growing up. He said he was looking forward to seeing me at his nephew's baptism at the end of this month. After I was done reading, she asked me how I was feeling physically. I told her my mouth was dry, I felt nauseous, and like I had a fever. Then she asked me how I was feeling about him having a girlfriend. I just sputtered out, "well that's not the answer I wanted..." and then I was silent for quite a while. I really didn't want to cry, so I didn't. I told her it just felt overwhelming and I didn't know what else to say. So she told me what she thought. "You know, senrab, he sounds like a really *good* guy. No, he's not available. But you chose very well. And I can see why you were attracted to him in the first place. And you took a risk and told him how you felt about him. Your instincts about him were correct. This is a big, big deal. You did good. And just so you know, in your letter you spoke of how you felt like you had known him 'for a very long time'. That's usually how people feel when they fall in love." I said I didn't want to use the L-word because I don't feel like I know him very well, in the sense of us not having interacted that much. She understood.

I still felt kind of choked up and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I told her I was glad I had an answer once and for all, and that I was aware that I would've never gotten this answer had I not tried. But I said I was still feeling sick and wanted it to sink in some more. So she gently asked me if I wanted to talk about something else. So despite feeling like crap, in the next 30 minutes that followed, I managed to go from one meaningful topic or observation I had to the next with lucidity...a dream I had about my therapist that I told her about in the previous session & a photo I had sent her of what the room looked like in the dream...my mom recently meeting a half-brother for the first time...how I think often about fate and how I wouldn't even be on the planet if my birth mother hadn't been in such a terrible marriage...if birth mother had not given me up I may never have even realized my levels of shyness were not normal because she and bio dad are exactly the same way...how my very outgoing parents pushed me to be more social, right to the edge, which resulted in me finally asking for help...how I remember crying any time there was an activity or assembly in elementary school and why I was doing that...how I hate religion and the concept of God now and I don't even want to be considered "spiritual", I hate going to Mass because I cry in there every time...how I was 20 when I started seeing her and I realize that if I was confronted with those same "embarrassing" social situations today, they wouldn't bother me as much...it's hard to quantify how much of my feelings were normal "young person-sensitivity overload" and how much of it was abnormal. I told her of a time when I was working at a store (this happened over 10 years ago) and how there was this guy, G, who also worked there. He was a total loser. One day he got another guy to tell me that "G wants you to know that you're not allowed to screw anyone else in the store except for him." Lovely, like OH what an honor! Of course, I was mortified and couldn't bring myself to say anything back. And I told my therapist that I had come to realize that if the same thing happened today, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. and I would have said something back like "well that's interesting, because that's not what G told me last night at Motel 6". She laughed, and said "that's very funny. You know, you're a very funny person and I think that's really at the essence of your personality, do you know what I mean?" I went on to say how I was semi-harrassed by the old man there who was the owner, and wondered "why did I even keep working there, why keep going back for more?" and we laughed again. She also specifically asked me if it was OK that we talk more about my "crying every time in church" the next time, because I've mentioned it more than once over the years, and she thought it was something interesting to explore. Anyway, during all of my random "stream of consciousness" talking, I was feeling like I had a "dagger in the heart", and yet I was in the zone at the same time.

Then she said, "well unfortunately, we have to stop for tonight..." and I said sarcastically "OHH I am SO disappointed about this" and we both laughed. She told me to go easy on myself for a while and that my sadness about this letter would eventually lift.

We said our goodbyes, I hung up, and cried for about 10 minutes. I wouldn't have thought of doing this letter thing and sharing feelings with a guy as recently as 6 months ago. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I put it up there with burying my dad, getting through college, and therapy itself.


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## RockBottomRiser (Jun 5, 2011)

That is so sweet. Sorry it didn't go as planned, though.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

That takes alot of guts to do that, so congratulations on pushing through and not letting fear stop you from doing what everything else inside of you wanted.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

Impressive to follow through on that. Hopefully you'll be friends.


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## Misanthropic79 (May 6, 2011)

:clap

It's a shame he's already taken but seriously way to go! 

I know this will still be a little raw for you but you did the right thing putting yourself out there instead of just giving up and resigning yourself to being alone because you think you're unworthy, unattractive or whatever other neurosis is holding almost everyone else here back from doing the same.

Your therapist sounds pretty cool too, she speaks the truth and I actually agreed with everything she said and I'm not fond of most therapists "advice". Hold on to that one, she's good.

There's nothing left to do now but pick yourself up and dust yourself off and wait for his current gf to cheat on him or something. :lol


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

That's was a awesome read


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## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

Wow, good read.

It's too bad he wasn't available, it must have taken a lot of gut's to put yourself out there like that. Good job, that's quite the triumph.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

I'm glad you did that.

Go for what you want..

Always.


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## SPC (May 14, 2011)

"Me and my f***ing letters, what is this, 1923?" - i loled. but yes, this was a great read, good on you for reaching out towards what you want in life!


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## artandis (Jun 5, 2011)

Reading this made me grin- what a huge step!! 

Sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted but at least you tried. Hopefully next time things work out better.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm just now going through something similar, so I'm glad you wrote this. :yes
In my case, I already knew she had a boyfriend, so maybe I'm an ***, but like you said, it's better to get it out, not have regrets, and start the 'moving on' process sooner rather than later. I haven't heard back from her yet but I'm expecting something similar to the letter you got. 
That guy, and this girl, sound a lot alike...both really good, attractive people that we can't help but fall for. Your therapist is right, you chose well. :yes I hope you feel better soon.:hug


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Misanthropic79 said:


> Your therapist sounds pretty cool too, she speaks the truth and I actually agreed with everything she said and I'm not fond of most therapists "advice". Hold on to that one, she's good.
> 
> There's nothing left to do now but pick yourself up and dust yourself off and wait for his current gf to cheat on him or something. :lol


I have held on to that therapist, I will have been seeing her for 10 years next month.  She is really cool, she's not "in your face" and doesn't have any reactions that are too high or too low, if that makes any sense. She also appreciates my dark sense of humor...

LOL, my mom said something like your last sentence: "maybe they'll break up..."


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

the cheat said:


> I'm just now going through something similar, so I'm glad you wrote this. :yes
> In my case, I already knew she had a boyfriend, so maybe I'm an ***, but like you said, it's better to get it out, not have regrets, and start the 'moving on' process sooner rather than later. I haven't heard back from her yet but I'm expecting something similar to the letter you got.
> That guy, and this girl, sound a lot alike...both really good, attractive people that we can't help but fall for. Your therapist is right, you chose well. :yes I hope you feel better soon.:hug


Hi. Good job for reaching out to her. I hope you receive (at least) a gracious response. Did you call or write her?


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

thank you, everyone. I really appreciate your feedback and kind words! :squeeze

I have to see him this Saturday...:um :hide


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## Misanthropic79 (May 6, 2011)

senrab said:


> I have held on to that therapist, I will have been seeing her for 10 years next month.  She is really cool, she's not "in your face" and doesn't have any reactions that are too high or too low, if that makes any sense. She also appreciates my dark sense of humor...
> 
> LOL, my mom said something like your last sentence: "maybe they'll break up..."


A dark sense of humor is the best kind, nothing should be off limits comedy wise!

And although it's kinda unlikely that they'll break up anytime soon you'd be surprised how things like that happen sometimes and you'll be the first thing he thinks of if it does. He'll be vunerable and ripe for the picking! :lol


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

senrab said:


> Hi. Good job for reaching out to her. I hope you receive (at least) a gracious response. Did you call or write her?


I wrote to her. She responded with almost exactly what I wanted to hear. 
My situation is slightly different, in that I already knew she was taken and wasn't trying to break them up...in fact, I knew I couldn't break them up, which is what helped me go through with telling her, so you're a lot braver than me. :yes 
In the end, I just had to get it out...short-term pain for long-term gain, right?


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

the cheat said:


> I wrote to her. She responded with almost exactly what I wanted to hear.
> My situation is slightly different, in that I already knew she was taken and wasn't trying to break them up...in fact, I knew I couldn't break them up, which is what helped me go through with telling her, so you're a lot braver than me. :yes
> In the end, I just had to get it out...short-term pain for long-term gain, right?


I'm glad you got a response, that's great.  You are absolutely right...


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

What you did was steer yourself away from the possibility of regretting not having written him and knowing within yourself (no matter the outcome) of what would've otherwise been an endless mystery to lose sleep over night after night.

I have a partiality towards Saxon/Viking history. The book of Havamal states that we should first and foremost live our lives without regrets. The idea is that there is nothing worse that being senile and thinking back to all that you should have done. You've lived very boldly in this instance, and contrary to how irrelevant anyone might think this is, death is going to come for all of us whether we live without regrets or not. 

I think you should feel proud of yourself and you'll look back in the years to come with a sense of peace in your heart.


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## Marakunda (Jun 7, 2011)

I'm just saying, I love the "co-edness" of this forum. It's nice to see a girl's point of view, once in a while.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Nidhoggr said:


> What you did was steer yourself away from the possibility of regretting not having written him and knowing within yourself (no matter the outcome) of what would've otherwise been an endless mystery to lose sleep over night after night.
> 
> I have a partiality towards Saxon/Viking history. The book of Havamal states that we should first and foremost live our lives without regrets. The idea is that there is nothing worse that being senile and thinking back to all that you should have done. You've lived very boldly in this instance, and contrary to how irrelevant anyone might think this is, death is going to come for all of us whether we live without regrets or not.
> 
> I think you should feel proud of yourself and you'll look back in the years to come with a sense of peace in your heart.


this is a very interesting post, thanks for that.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Skylaishot said:


> I'm just saying, I love the "co-edness" of this forum. It's nice to see a girl's point of view, once in a while.


 :yes


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

piscesvixen said:


> That's amazing you did that! You should be so proud of yourself and the way he responded back explaining that he's taken was in a tasteful manner - he sounds like a great guy and I could see why you had a crush on him.
> 
> Your therapist sounds very helpful and sweet too.


Thanks. only took 29 years......LOL :roll

Yeah, my T is pretty great.


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## Chris16 (Nov 1, 2010)

:clap I need to check this forum more often because I'm so glad I found this. I remember wanting to hear the rest of your story back when you responded to my thread a long time ago.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/gave-her-a-love-letter-119789/#post1058900381

Long live the love letter! And alliteration! There's something very beautiful about the whole concept of writing a letter. It's super stressful during delivery and yet the honesty of it, divorced from all the interference of irrational social rules, is so beautiful. It's such a pure form of communication, and a nice taste of what every day communication would be like if the world actually made sense.

It's so annoying that the unwritten rule is to keep everything that makes you interesting, your stronger emotions and thoughts, completely hidden when you connect with another person in public. Heck, we're encouraged to share the most boring parts of ourselves! Oh well.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

Chris16 said:


> :clap I need to check this forum more often because I'm so glad I found this. I remember wanting to hear the rest of your story back when you responded to my thread a long time ago.
> 
> http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/gave-her-a-love-letter-119789/#post1058900381
> 
> ...


I had remembered you and your thread, but couldn't remember your username or what the title was! Thanks for thinking of me. I am so glad this guy didn't think of me writing him a letter as strange or creepy. I don't want to say I'm "in love" with him, but my affection for him is certainly very caring.

I have shared this story with a few friends of mine. The responses have been really great. None of them have SA, and most were not even aware of this "saga" because I never told them. Two of them said they never told their now-husbands things this personal when they were first interested in each other! :um I guess with a lot of couples, they mutually decide they want to be with each other, and it's a mostly unspoken understanding?

I've decided I like letters too, when something is just too difficult to say in person or over the phone. And it's a keepsake as well.

Did she ever write back to you?


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## davidigm (Jun 13, 2011)

Your post made me smile, it was a very brave thing what you did. I wish I had that courage, when it comes to relationships I never express my feelings, so many people I've lost because I never dare to give that small step, once I tried to write a letter to someone I liked too, of course I didn't do it...


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I saw him today at my cousin's baptism. He brought his girlfriend. I have to say that after seeing her, I'm really not his type. But it still made me sad...they are very affectionate with each other.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

You are my hero.

That is all.


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## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

senrab said:


> I saw him today at my cousin's baptism. He brought his girlfriend. I have to say that after seeing her, I'm really not his type. But it still made me sad...they are very affectionate with each other.


Ugh, I'm sorry...I definitely understand. :squeeze Hopefully all of this leads you to being this brave again in the future, despite the outcome here. It only has to work once for all the times it didn't work out to be worth it.


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## bbarn (Dec 22, 2007)

i applaud your courage and bravery. You made great leaps and bounds. I have been in the same situation as you have before, only thing is the girl i told was single and didnt feel the same way. There are plenty of fish in the sea, still looking for the right one


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## rainbowOne (Sep 26, 2010)

Wow, well done for writing to him. That was a great step to take 

by the way, you oughta be a writer.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

the cheat said:


> Ugh, I'm sorry...I definitely understand. :squeeze Hopefully all of this leads you to being this brave again in the future, despite the outcome here. It only has to work once for all the times it didn't work out to be worth it.


thank you.

anyone ever try to drive and cry at the same time? :teeth


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## Paragon (Apr 13, 2010)

senrab said:


> thank you.
> 
> anyone ever try to drive and cry at the same time? :teeth


 :hug


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

I saw my therapist yesterday. I hadn't seen her in a few months. [this is a weird observation, but as a funny aside-she was showing more leg than usual and it threw me off! haha. has anyone else in here in therapy ever been "jolted" by a change in appearance of their therapist or counselor?]

It was a nice visit. I jokingly offered to re-enact the last session so she could see my reactions and how badly my hands were shaking. I told her that even though I got upset after watching this guy with his girlfriend, I could see why I wasn't his type and explained why. I said that she dresses very nicely (very feminine) and looks very put together, she says and does the right things, she's a nurse, has more "traditional" interests and conversation. "They seem to have their act together, and while I do too-" and she interrupted: "-you do, but you're more interesting!" Awww shucks. I went on to say "meanwhile, I'm doing things like eating Starburst for breakfast sometimes, I have a poster in my apartment of Keith Richards standing next to a "Drug-Free America" sign, I'm horribly disorganized, I point out randomly strange or funny things I see, I think I'm just a quirkier personality."

I also told her that I wasn't expecting to feel as upset as I did after I left the family gathering. She said, "why on earth not?" (like I had a right to be upset). I think it's because this wasn't a break-up, per se, and I don't like crying because it makes me feel weak and I don't like looking weak, even if I'm doing it alone. I said how I half-regretted sending that letter at all, because I was mad at feeling hurt and I felt like "I couldn't handle the outcome". She reassured me that I did the right thing and that I was handling it well, because she could tell I was still carrying on with day-to-day things as always and not getting depressed, you know...obviously not "lashing out" at people or resorting to destructive behavior or anything of the sort.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I'm glad that you let him know how you feel. Maybe, it will make you feel like it's okay to be vulnerable to hurt with other guy's in the future. That's a great first step. 

Your therapist seems awesome. You are a great writer.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

SAgirl said:


> I'm glad that you let him know how you feel. Maybe, it will make you feel like it's okay to be vulnerable to hurt with other guy's in the future. That's a great first step.
> 
> Your therapist seems awesome. You are a great writer.


thank you!


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