# How do people with social anxiety get into relationships?



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

This always astounds me.

It is directly related to me being social anxious that I don't have a girlfriend. Since every girl that has been interested in me, has been scared off by my social anxiety and shyness!

How does one form relationships when they are scared of forming relationships?


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

Maybe an SA person has one of those days where they bravely ask someone out and the other person accepts. Some SA people get asked out by someone more assertive, or get together with another SA person.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

Hard work and letting your walls down... That's how I did it.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

I think the better question is WHY?

Shouldn't they be working on their SA before they try to start a relationship?


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## lissa530 (Oct 29, 2009)

IDK how it happened but I'm greatful it did!. And some how the impossible happened I feel comfortable with him and I trust him.


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## nork123 (Oct 22, 2009)

They also have social anxiety, I met them on this site actually, and we chatted and eventually started an online relationship (I honestly don't know how I would go about it any other way because of my SA) for about a year with regular chatting working up in stages from pm's to msn, then once my anxiety went down with the msn we started trying phone calls, the first few I drank before, then got a bit more comfortable with it. The first time we met up I was terrified, when we hugged she could feel my heart beating so hard, but knowing that she knew about my issues and it didn't bother her made it much easier, feeling like I wouldn't be judged or anything like that, and it went on from there and still on to this day


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## SweetNSour82 (Dec 19, 2011)

Peter Attis said:


> I think the better question is WHY?
> 
> Shouldn't they be working on their SA before they try to start a relationship?


Doing things you are scared of doing is actually working on your SA.

You just make yourself do it. You freak out, you freak out even more, if they stick around, great!


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## RayOfLight123 (Dec 4, 2009)

Some people on here assume everyones SA is really really bad..A lot on here (me included I think) can talk to people and form relationships.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

Usually because the other person (i.e. the non-SA person) is willing to make all the initial effort. That way, the SA person gets to fall into a relationship without really having to do anything.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

RayOfLight123 said:


> Some people on here assume everyones SA is really really bad..A lot on here (me included I think) can talk to people and form relationships.


Yeah, I guess I do tend to assume that.

The question is, when you're older, with no experience...how do you get experience if you're insecure about having no experience? It's like what came first: the anxiety, or the anxiety?


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## StayingMotivated (Sep 5, 2011)

courage. you have it


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

We both had SA, we met on this site and both had the same relationship problems.
problems solved 


seriously, i dont know how anyone of us ever gets into a relationship with someone without sa, they simply just do not understand us


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## Skttrbrain (Jun 17, 2011)

Peter Attis said:


> I think the better question is WHY?
> 
> Shouldn't they be working on their SA before they try to start a relationship?


My SA has gotten a lot better, but I'm still terrified of dating. It's like the last hurdle I have to get over. If I could only get past my fear of dating, I think I would be so much happier. There's a guy I like online and he wants to meet me and I keep saying no and making excuses.. it sucks.


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## Daft (Jan 5, 2012)

My anxiety was never severe enough to prevent me from making a few friends, at least back in high school. It usually went from there.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

People usually find each other, here.


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## Just Tony (Oct 4, 2010)

Not sure. 

My guess is a bit of balls, and a lot of luck.


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## jstwnalive (Jan 28, 2012)

I wish I found a girl that could deal with my sa


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

okcupid.com got me many boyfriends and a husband. It just took something like 4 months between finding interesting people to talk to and 6months between finding people to date while wading through the rest of the rejected emails every day. I gave it up once after 6months of no results and rewrote my profile 5 times before getting anywhere.


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## successful (Mar 21, 2009)

They don't have SA...Or have verry mild S.A


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

^ Thank you doctor. You must be more experienced than those who diagnosed me with severe SAD.


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## LittleSister (Jan 22, 2011)

Alcohol
Dating websites
I'm very impulsive - probably helps


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## SweetNSour82 (Dec 19, 2011)

odd_one_out said:


> ^ Thank you doctor. You must be more experienced than those who diagnosed me with severe SAD.


lol agree, I hear this all the time. It's amusing.. sometimes.


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## Blawnka (Dec 12, 2011)

I'm assuming it's because some people have more severe social anxiety than others, I can't imagine myself getting a girlfriend anytime soon, but who knows, anything's possible I suppose, if I had a girlfriend that could initiate conversations, I could probably do much better than being with a shy, and or socially anxious one.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Auron:1059620087 said:


> you have to put yourself out there. even though rejection sucks that's the way to go. Joining an online community, making friends online, and joining dating sites makes it a bit easier. There good people out there who dont mind shyness.


If you put yourself out there and face rejection head on you will become stronger and eventually succeed.


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## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

rymo said:


> If you put yourself out there and face rejection head on you will become stronger and eventually succeed.


I don't know how it works for others, but rejection has made me weaker.


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## dkriot (Dec 12, 2011)

Dumb luck. I am not even joking. The few times I did get into a relationship it kind of just happened. I guess the saying is true: it is better to be lucky than good.


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## SweetNSour82 (Dec 19, 2011)

Blawnka said:


> I'm assuming it's because some people have more severe social anxiety than others, I can't imagine myself getting a girlfriend anytime soon, but who knows, anything's possible I suppose, if I had a girlfriend that could initiate conversations, I could probably do much better than being with a shy, and or socially anxious one.


I could never have imagined getting a boyfriend when I was your age either. But I did. Anything is possible.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

The internet. Alcohol. Combinations of the two.


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## gmdrew (Jan 8, 2012)

Internet def. helps.


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## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

In high school I started spending time with a particular group of people, and even found myself to be included! Over months of being around the same people, I eventually get mostly comfortable around those people. I clicked particularly well with one girl, it got to the point where we were IMing each other for 4-5 hours straight every single night over the course of one summer. The rest is history and all that jazz.


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## bn4now (Jan 5, 2012)

I did not have a real relationship until I was 34. And before that I may have dated a total of 6 or 7 times. So I have not been around much. The relationship lasted for a while, but I can tell you that it was nothing like what I was expecting. And now that I am single again I am hesitant to jump back in again. Maybe I need a little time to adjust, or figure out what the hell I have been through. 

I guess relationships have ups and downs, but if you have not had one yet, you will be in for some surprises, both good and bad.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

Akane said:


> okcupid.com got me many boyfriends and a husband. It just took something like 4 months between finding interesting people to talk to and 6months between finding people to date while wading through the rest of the rejected emails every day. I gave it up once after 6months of no results and rewrote my profile 5 times before getting anywhere.


How did you get to marriage? It's really hard to maintain a relationship let alone get engaged. I don't think my boyfriend wants to be with me long.


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## bran808 (Apr 27, 2011)

Accident  TBH I don't really know how I got into one. It just kinda happened. BTW I met the girl over the internet


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

To be honest all, with the exception of my current relationship, started with sex. Seeking out sex is the only way I am not anxious because then I don't see the person as a person. Its bad but that is how it is. A couple of times after sex I realized the person didn't cause me to become anxious so we started hanging out. Outside of that I can not approach someone I find attractive in anyway. I get so nervous. Heck i get tongue tied in line at the grocery store sometimes. My current boyfriend started out as an online friend so there was no in person anxiety to deal with.


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## 17Racer (Jan 30, 2012)

A girl messaged me online out of the blue and we began talking. Eventually we met up and she became my first-and to date, only-girlfriend. I never should have started with her, really, but that's for another discussion.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

If the internet helps...

I have been on this site for 5 years. In that time, I haven't met anybody who wants to date me.

I guess some people are just luckier than others?


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

rymo said:


> If you put yourself out there and face rejection head on you will become stronger and eventually succeed.


How long does this take? I've been trying for almost a year. Every guy I've encountered either ignored me, just wanted to have sex with me and no relationship, or spent my money and still didn't consider me their girlfriend. Some of us are just undesirable to many. Yesterday, I was rejected once again. How many more years until I'm able to get someone? Last summer I even approached a man and still was rejected. I'm starting to get really down over this and doing things for myself such as working out and dressing nicely is becoming more difficult. Taking care of myself seems like a waste of time. How many more years must I wait?


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## JupiterStarr (Nov 4, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> If the internet helps...
> 
> I have been on this site for 5 years. In that time, I haven't met anybody who wants to date me.
> 
> *I guess some people are just luckier than others?*




Exactly. Some of us are literally trapped in isolation.


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## Aarmin (Feb 27, 2011)

Some SA people get asked out from someone more assertive. It is not unusual for some SA people to be more open to someone that approaches theme in a friendly matter.

The severity of someones anxiety.

Two people with SA meet, and they just click because they relate to each other.

Someone with SA looks quite attractive! They inherently could have more confidence, and/or they get approached more often. Just being honest.

General randomness of life.. stuff just happens 


For me, I've never been in a relationship or even been on a date, so take the above statements with skepticism :b


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## wolfeyes (Mar 30, 2011)

It's harder for guys, I'm sure. Since society thinks you should be the chasers haha.

I'm a female. I drink in many social situations, which I don't recommend. It's a band-aid method. I mean, I guess a couple is okay, but if you get in a relationship, you have to be able to communicate without alcohol...

Find a girl who finds your shyness intriguing. Lots of girls do. But you have to be able to hold a conversation. I'm not good at that, but you get better the more you try to open up to someone.


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## Catnap (Dec 5, 2011)

I have never gotten into a relationship under the premise of initially dating them. It has always been through forming a friendship over mutual interests and sustaining that friendship to deeper levels.


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## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, when I was asked out my boyfriend was a tad more confident than me xD. He said that I was a kindred spirit and that I reminded him of his best friend, that's why he asked me out. Been together over three years... been good to start off with, then difficult after that, strongly hoping things turn out good again though ^^


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Those of you that got into relationships young are so lucky.

If only I could turn back the clock!


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

It just happened. Luck more than anything.


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## gusstaf (Jan 1, 2012)

SA manifests itself differently in different people. Some people with SA get into relationships with people they know and trust but have panic attacks over things like calling the bank or shopping at Walmart. 

Dating is one of the areas where SA has hit me the hardest. I am lucky enough to have a few very close friends for support, but I have not had a boyfriend since the SA got really bad at the beginning of college. I absolutely have no confidence around men and just automatically assume that nobody would ever want to date me.


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## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

sas, college, dating sites, work. taking risks = good.


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## Perfectionist (Mar 19, 2004)

I stalk boys I like from this site until they cave.

Or, until they just forget to lock their deadbolt one night.


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## RUFB2327 (Sep 28, 2008)

My SA definitely holds me back, but that isn't the main reason I can't seem to form any relationships.


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

Brute... force?



Perfectionist said:


> I stalk boys I like from this site until they cave.
> 
> Or, until they just forget to lock their deadbolt one night.


So that's what's been causing all that noise outside... :teeth


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## shynesshellasucks (May 10, 2008)

They are more likely girls (because guys are expected to approach more often than girls), having good looks gets people to approach them, or their SA is not really all that bad. If someone is physically unattractive they are most likely screwed either way unless they don't mind dating someone in their own league or below. There are other reasons but these are the most frequent IMO.


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## freakingout (Feb 6, 2010)

JupiterStarr said:


> [/b]
> 
> Exactly. Some of us are literally trapped in isolation.


Yeah, but I'm not trapped and I'm still having a lot of problems finding a girlfriend. Even though I goto chruch stuff multiple times a week, school, and work.


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## quietmusicman (Feb 3, 2012)

the more you socialize the easier it will get i am hoping for me at least


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## Keith (Aug 30, 2008)

Taking risks and a bit of luck, but you got to take risks before you'll get lucky.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

My boyfriend isn't social at all either so he understands me. I get social anxiety when it comes to dealing with a bunch of people like retail sales. I am more comfortable with one on one hence why I'm fine with romantic relationships.


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## Vudahar (Jan 15, 2012)

I have no clue sometimes. I guess some just get lucky.

I've been on 3 dates in the past 2 years with girls I met online and my SA got in the way each time. 

Two of the girls talked to me first, so I know it's not my looks getting in the way. 

The last date was with one if the girls who messaged me on a dating site and we went out last week. Everything was going fine and I had no trouble keeping the conversation going. We came up on the subject of her having slight anxiety and I mentioned how I had minor SA. At the end of the night, she said she had a great time and wanted to see me again. 

I talked to her again last night and she tells me it isn't going to work because I have SA and she's not sure she can handle both of us having a type of anxiety.

It's annoying, but I'm moving on and she helped me break away from my SA a little.


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## MidnightBlu (Jun 11, 2006)

WintersTale said:


> Those of you that got into relationships young are so lucky.
> 
> If only I could turn back the clock!


Not really. I had my first boyfriend at 18, but never been good at keeping one for long. I didn't get my first long term until I was 20. I was with him until 21, got back together when I was 22 and now I'm 23. Waiting for him to pop the question if that's going to happen. Sigh. He said he will this year, but I'm not sure if I'm keeping my hopes up. People who engaged, married young and make it last are the ones that are very lucky. But me, no.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

WintersTale said:


> This always astounds me.
> 
> It is directly related to me being social anxious that I don't have a girlfriend. Since every girl that has been interested in me, has been scared off by my social anxiety and shyness!
> 
> How does one form relationships when they are scared of forming relationships?


Sometimes you just have to "man up" and force yourself to do things. Like getting a job or doing anything else that might make one anxious.


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## outsid (Feb 10, 2012)

It's definitely difficult for guys. The society just sucks sometimes. 

WE have to approach every time. We have to set up every date. We have to escalate things. We have to bring up sex. And at each one of those steps, there is a genuine risk of getting shot down, for a guy with SA. This sucks, totally. What's more, we have to pay for everything that we do together. It's as if the society has some sort of strong grudge against men. and we still talk about female equality. what a hypocrite bunch of people we are. 

For most girls, as long as they are decent looking and are reasonably comfortable talking to someone they know one-on-one, SA is not going to be problem at all.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

outsid said:


> It's definitely difficult for guys. The society just sucks sometimes.
> 
> WE have to approach every time. We have to set up every date. We have to escalate things. We have to bring up sex. And at each one of those steps, there is a genuine risk of getting shot down, for a guy with SA. This sucks, totally. What's more, we have to pay for everything that we do together. It's as if the society has some sort of strong grudge against men. and we still talk about female equality. what a hypocrite bunch of people we are.
> 
> For most girls, as long as they are decent looking and are reasonably comfortable talking to someone they know one-on-one, SA is not going to be problem at all.


Hey bro, we all have to deal with it, you're not alone. There is a lot of truth in what you say. Be careful though, the mods have a thing against comparing the dating woes of men and women with SA.


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## ausbby (Nov 18, 2011)

nemesis1 said:


> Usually because the other person (i.e. the non-SA person) is willing to make all the initial effort. That way, the SA person gets to fall into a relationship without really having to do anything.


This is very true, but not always a good thing.


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## AK32 (Sep 2, 2010)

My SA is related to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I have been afraid to talk to any guy I've ever liked, and when they flirt with me I get all nervous. I think that this makes guys feel that I don't like them when in fact I do.


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## brothersport (Dec 3, 2011)

I also often wonder how people with SA get into relationships, but like someone said above not eveyone has such a severe case, that it prevents them from dating. You just have to take a deep breathe, and give it a chance despite your qualms.


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