# Call 5 old friends each week and tell them about my SA



## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I will call 5 old friends this week and tell them that SA is the reason I failed to keep in touch with them. SA will not allow me to make phone calls as I am nervous of small talk and terrified about silences in the conversation and I do not want to impose on them. That is why, I have failed to keep in touch with them.

Since I have only 9 friends, this goal should be achieved in two weeks. I am hoping some of these folks remember me.

I like to see how I feel after this exercise. According to David Burns book Panic Attack, self disclosure can be a powerful tool to overcome SA. Let's see if this works.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Cool tomcoldaba. Sounds like a good goal. I really like it. Let us know if self disclosure works. Thanks. 

Take care,

Gerard


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I called two friends today.

I told the first friend that I suffer from SA. He said, "I have noticed that when you have a really big idea that you seem to forget all about the SA and just work without it hampering you at all. The only time I have seen SA affect you is for the little stuff that does not matter." Good News: I got this off my chest. Bad News: my friend is going to bill me for his services.

I had not spoken to my second friend in four years. I told her that I wanted to call her many times but I became anxious about what to say. I simply could not muster the courage to pick up the phone to call her. She thought it was funny. During the conversation, there were a couple of silences and I remained calm. I chickened out and did not say that I suffered from SA. But in a round about way I told her about my social anxiety. I* was concerned that I was taking too much of her time. Is this a SA symptom?* We had a good conversation and agreed to meet for lunch next week. I plan to tell her the next time we talk. In the past when we met for lunch, I was anxious. I have anxiety attacks eating in front of others.

I felt relieved that I can be honest about my condition instead of trying to hide it. I did not feel nervous or sweaty during these two conversations.


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## elph (Jun 4, 2007)

*Re: re: Call 5 old friends each week and tell them about my*



tomcoldaba said:


> I* was concerned that I was taking too much of her time. Is this a SA symptom?*


Oh good lord, yes. This is one of the thoughts that stops me cold. I think the thought goes something like, "I'm sure you have much more important things to do than be talking to me." However, since I realized I was thinking this, I've been watching, and so far very few people have actually treated me like I'm wasting their time. I guess this is hard to define, but I guess I would expect them to try to dismiss me or get rid of me fast? A few people have, but maybe they were just busy. That is what I'm going to think.

Good luck with the calls.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

*Re: re: Call 5 old friends each week and tell them about my*



elph said:


> tomcoldaba said:
> 
> 
> > I* was concerned that I was taking too much of her time. Is this a SA symptom?*
> ...


I have the same or similar thoughts whenever I make personal calls. In fact these thoughts prevent me from making phone calls as I don't want to impose on the individual.

Thank you for the revelation. I will monitor my thoughts in future.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

This is a pretty awesome idea. Telling your friends who don't know. Hmm... Anyway, nice job so far!!


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Excellent tomcoldaba, you really did well. I really like what you did. It sounded tough but you did it. I hope you continue to open up to people because that produces closeness and friendships. I still have to learn from this. I haven't been doing much but just little by little. Anyway, good for you. Again, you did well. I also hope that your lunch date with your friend turns out well. I really hope so. 

Take care tomcoldaba,

Gerard


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Thank you Gerard for your kind words.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I called my third friend today and told him about my SA. He was surprised that I suffered from SA as I appeared to be laid back and outgoing. I told him that when we first met, I was anxious and remember coming across nervous and sweaty. He did not remember the encounter. I reminded him that I was quiet during meetings. Again, he did not remember my silence. I told him that during a presentation that I made and he attended, I was nervous and I was sweating and the pitch of my voice changed. That was the last presentation I made in three years. He remembers it as an excellent presentation. Funny thing! My view of myself is totally different from his view of me. I saw myself as incompetent, blundering fool and he sees me as a intelligent and competent individual. 

Lesson: I am listening to my internal critic instead of listening to a real critic. The desire for perfection, the fear of rejection and the lack of self esteem has increased my social anxiety which in turn lead to the physical symptoms of SA. According to David Burns book, Panic Attack, if I use the Acceptance Paradox, it may help me overcome SA. "The Acceptance Paradox is based on the Buddhist principle that when you defend yourself, you create an instant state of war. The moment you defend yourself, you invite another attack. So you end up fighting your internal critic. In contrast, when you find truth in the criticism, it loses power over you."

Note: I met an acquaintance at a grocery store. Normally, I avoid people. This time I walked up to her and had a brief conversation. I was not anxious at all, before, during or after the conversation. Besides I told myself that if I feel anxious I would tell her I suffer from SA. That silenced my internal critic.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I am thoroughly enjoying these updates, tomcoldaba. It sounds like this exercise is proving to be very useful.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I called my fourth friend and we agreed to meet for lunch. Normally, I don't call people and ask them to lunch. First, I am scared of rejection. Second, if they accept the invitation, I am nervous of being a bore and anxious about the silences in the conversation. To call him and ask him to join me for lunch is not something I normally do. I usually wait for people to invite me to a meal. This a small triumph.

At lunch, I casually mentioned that I suffered from SA or extreme shyness. He did not respond and I did not elaborate about SA. After all, he is not a therapist. But I was disappointed that he did not respond to my SA admission. Still, we had an interesting conversation. When there were silences I did not get upset with myself. It is just the ebb and flow of a conversation. Also, I enjoyed my meal. Normally, when I am eating with company, I usually do not eat well and later I am starving.

However, last night I went for a Toastmaster meeting. When I got to the venue, there was no parking. I almost gave up until my inner voice mocked me for lacking courage. I parked in a fire lane and asked the receptionist if I would get a ticket. She said not to worry about a ticket. My parking ticket fears were irrational. I went for the meeting. *I had warned myself as I entered the room that if my SA acted up I would tell them about it. *Instead of sitting by myself at the end of the room, I sat upfront between two women. I am normally shy around women. When I was asked to introduce myself, I did not feel my heart racing or my mouth going dry. I spoke for about 10 seconds without any anxiety. I chatted with my acquintances briefly. One of the speakers spoke about his shyness and how he fears people looking at him. After the meeting I introduced myself to him and told him about my similar experience. I talked briefly to a couple of speakers and left the meeting.

All in all, I have started feeling good about myself. If I feel better, I may offer to conduct an hour seminar. I have morbid dread of hosting seminars. Well that will be a different goal. I must finish up with this goal first.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Wow, you're doing a fantastic job. I'm curious, do you think the reason why you're not feeling anxiety is primarily due to your deciding you'll just tell people you have SA if you are really anxious? If so, you've got a powerful tool working in your favor.

Great job, Tom. I can't wait to hear about the 5th friend.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

ardrum said:


> I'm curious, do you think the reason why you're not feeling anxiety is primarily due to your deciding you'll just tell people you have SA if you are really anxious? If so, you've got a powerful tool working in your favor.


I think so. When I reveal my secret shame, it is not a secret any more and the truth sets me free. David Burns in his book Panic Attack (good book) discusses the impact of Self Disclosure and the Acceptance Paradox.

The acceptance paradox is derived from Buddhism that as long as you defend yourself, you are in a state of war. Of course, you are fighting your negative thought. Once you find truth in a criticism, it loses power over you.

The Self Disclosure principle requires disclosure of your feelings of shyness or nervousness. However, this technique requires a good sense of self-esteem to be effective.

There is a thread in Coping with SA regarding the Shame attacking exercise authored by Yeah_Yeah_Yeah. I was inspired by the participants in that thread. I just modified one of those exercises.

Thank you Ardrum for your interest. I wish I had joined this forum a few years ago, I would have learned a lot about SA. My life would have been riches. Better late than never.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

tomcoldaba said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > I'm curious, do you think the reason why you're not feeling anxiety is primarily due to your deciding you'll just tell people you have SA if you are really anxious? If so, you've got a powerful tool working in your favor.
> ...


I like both of these ideas a lot. I feel confident enough that I could use the Self Disclosure principle as well. In fact, I've told some people before about my SA (I've told some friends about my anxiety, and it was never a problem).

I'm one of the participants on the SAS Shame-Attacking Challenge (goals forum)...

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... 67685.html

I haven't posted there for awhile, but I definitely haven't forgotten about it. I'm taking some different routes of development at the moment, and I'd like to return there at one point to see how far I can go to purposely receive criticism/rejection/disapproval. Those are some really tough exercises, but they are intensely rewarding in a very strange way.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

ardrum said:


> I feel confident enough that I could use the Self Disclosure principle as well. In fact, I've told some people before about my SA (I've told some friends about my anxiety, and it was never a problem).


Please explain "it was never a problem". It was never a problems with your friends or you. Did you feel better after you told your friends. What was your friends' reaction? Did you feel weird before/after you told your friends? I must admit I was nervous before I made my first call.

Thank you for your help.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

tomcoldaba said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > I feel confident enough that I could use the Self Disclosure principle as well. In fact, I've told some people before about my SA (I've told some friends about my anxiety, and it was never a problem).
> ...


Ah, yes, I should clarify that.

For some odd reason, I wasn't very nervous at all to tell my friends. I guess I didn't think they'd have any negative reaction at all, and they didn't (so it wasn't much of a big deal to either of us). I didn't share in a dramatic manner, as if I was telling them I'm secretly a woman or something. I just mentioned how I experience social anxiety in most instances, and they didn't make a big deal out of it. I also realized that they didn't perceive my SA much at ALL. It was quite interesting.

I haven't told all my friends, but maybe I'll bring it up the next time I'm having a conversation and the opportunity is right.

One of my friends actually might have a lot of social anxiety too. She's an extrovert, which is interesting, since a lot of introverts are on SAS. She gets extremely nervous though and thinks everyone is always looking at her, judging her, or thinking she's weird/stupid. She's very social and has LOTS of friends, but she just has lots of these paranoid thoughts a lot of the time.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Just found a post from Halcyon in the following thread:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/for ... 67959.html

I want to see if it will work for me.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I called my fifth friend (Lee) to tell her about my SA. Lee was not surprised. She thought that I was an introvert and appeared nervous to her. When we first met, I ran a small business. I joined the local chamber of commerce; hosted seminars at the local community college; joined toastmasters – a public speaking organization; worked the phone bank during the local election cycle; elected secretary of the local chapter of Kiwanis; worked part time as an appliance salesman. I told her of my determination to overcome shyness once and for all. That is why I participated in all these activities. 

Unfortunately, at that time I did not know about SA. Despite participating in all these activities, I would avoid certain situations and I cannot explain why. For example, I would avoid conflict with my clients and I would not collect my fees as a result. If my client was critical, I immediately dropped the client and felt depressed for days but the client was surprised at my move to drop them. If a prospective client rejected me, I felt worthless.

Lee told me that knowledge is power and that I should not be afraid to seek medical help. After all, she said that the mind is an organ just like the heart. If the heart skips a beat, we seek medical help. I assured her that I would get medical help soon and I had joined SAS forum recently. This forum has helped me understand my condition so that I can better describe it to my doctor. In the past, I had a problem identifying the physical symptoms of SA as they come on suddenly and leave me feeling embarrassed. After reading the posts on SAS forum, I now am fully conversant with the physical symptoms of SA. About five years ago, I told her, I had an anxiety attack. My doctor prescribed Paxil. I did not take Paxil as my anxiety appeared to be under control and I did not want to endure its side effects. However, I controlled my anxiety by avoiding stressful situations. 

Lesson: As I kept telling friends about my SA, I felt liberated. The secret or shame associated with SA melted away. I will disclose my SA if the need arises. Of course there are bad guys who may abuse my good intentions; I must use discretion when dealing with them. 

Next Steps: Since I suffer from the severe version of SA, I cannot conquer all of them at once. So I have decided to divide and conquer. I will tackle the ones with the greatest impact on my job. I need to overcome the fear of conducting meetings and hosting seminars. I will rejoin Toastmasters to meet this goal.


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## quat (Sep 27, 2006)

That's incredible that you're going and ring all your old friends. Kudos to you, i'm in awe. You've just made some huge leaps.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Awesome work, tomcoldaba.

I really like the risk taking and honesty. Good luck with treatment and your goals.

Gerard


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Gerard said:


> Awesome work, tomcoldaba.
> 
> I really like the risk taking and honesty. Good luck with treatment and your goals.
> 
> Gerard


Thank you Gerard and Ardum for your support.

Update: Today I had a business meeting with my future boss. Usually, I am very anxious before the meeting. Today I experienced no anxiety. I did not sweat nor did my mouth go dry. During the meeting, my cell phone went off, I excused myself, set my mobile to silent and went on with the meeting. Normally, I would have been angry at myself that my cell phone went off during an important meeting. The conversation flowed freely and I do not recall any silences. During the meeting, I remembered (I think it is Ruby Tuesday or Ross posts) the Mindful posts of remaining in the moment. Whenever, my thoughts roamed, I brought them back to the discussionn. I left the meeting feeling very relaxed and pleased with myself.


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Awesome work tomcoldaba,

I love mindfulness to as well.

Gerard


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Well done, my friend.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

After telling 5 of my friends about my SA, I thought that they would harbor negative reactionw to me. I am in constant contact with 4 of them. The fifth friend seemed distant. I have known her for a very long time. I need to talk to her again just to keep the lines of communication open.

My conversations with my 4 friends is much easier. I am open and honest about myself with them. We don't talk about my SA. No attempt on my part to win anyone's sympathy or empathy. 

Talking to strangers has become much easier for me. I am not sure if telling my friends about my SA or attending 7 toastmaster meetings in the last two months is responsible for my talking to strangers. But the feeling is good.


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## helpfulheart (Mar 21, 2006)

I am so proud of you for keeping this up! There is something freeing about being open and honest....just letting go of the idea that we always having to be perfect around others. 

I've been dealing with this a lot lately. When I get invited places I don't want to go because I feel like I'm not at that place in my life where I'm proud of my job or have any accomplishments to share. I'm learning to let go of trying to prove myself to others. 

Anyways, great job!


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

helpfulheart said:


> I'm learning to let go of trying to prove myself to others.
> 
> Anyways, great job!


That is easier said than done. But you must work to stop trying to prove yourself to others. It will bring you happiness and peace.

Today, I went to lunch with one of my 5 friends I talked to about my social anxiety. He told me that the funniest thing he remembers about me is that I used to enjoy reading boring accounting manuals during my lunch break. I told him that it was my social anxiety that caused me to read boring accounting manuals during my lunch break so that I can avoid talking to boring people like him. :lol 
He didn't think that was funny!

Also, I enjoyed my lunch meaning that I was not nervous eating with him. When silence descended on the conversation, I did not get nervous. Some improvement for me.


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## se7 (Nov 28, 2005)

Blimey, wish I had the balls to do something like this. Well done mate


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## User (Mar 20, 2004)

Wow, you're really an inspiration for all of us. I'm particularly impressed with this:



> After telling 5 of my friends about my SA, I thought that they would harbor negative reactionw to me. I am in constant contact with 4 of them.


Keeping in touch with people can be hard, especially for a SAer, but it sounds like you're doing great. It's also interesting to read...



> I called my third friend today and told him about my SA. He was surprised that I suffered from SA as I appeared to be laid back and outgoing. I told him that when we first met, I was anxious and remember coming across nervous and sweaty. He did not remember the encounter. I reminded him that I was quiet during meetings. Again, he did not remember my silence. I told him that during a presentation that I made and he attended, I was nervous and I was sweating and the pitch of my voice changed. That was the last presentation I made in three years. He remembers it as an excellent presentation. Funny thing! My view of myself is totally different from his view of me. I saw myself as incompetent, blundering fool and he sees me as a intelligent and competent individual.


I think that's often the case with us. We're way too hard on ourselves and have grossly distorted views of how we appear to other people. It must have felt great to hear him tell you the exact opposite of what you expected to hear.

Maybe I'll do something like this. I actually did, but it was with major depression. For some reason, I feel much more stigmatized by SA and I've been unwilling to tell anybody. That really needs to change.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

User said:


> > I called my third friend today and told him about my SA. He was surprised that I suffered from SA as I appeared to be laid back and outgoing. I told him that when we first met, I was anxious and remember coming across nervous and sweaty. He did not remember the encounter. I reminded him that I was quiet during meetings. Again, he did not remember my silence. I told him that during a presentation that I made and he attended, I was nervous and I was sweating and the pitch of my voice changed. That was the last presentation I made in three years. He remembers it as an excellent presentation. Funny thing! My view of myself is totally different from his view of me. I saw myself as incompetent, blundering fool and he sees me as a intelligent and competent individual.
> 
> 
> I think that's often the case with us. We're way too hard on ourselves and have grossly distorted views of how we appear to other people. It must have felt great to hear him tell you the exact opposite of what you expected to hear.
> ...


You are right. I am much more stigmatized by SA. I gave my speeches at my toastmaster clubs. My evaluators told me how to improve my speech. When I told them I am concerned about my nervousness, they were surprised. They said that I did not appear nervous at all. I am telling myself I am nervous. In fact at work, a sales manager wanted me to join his organization. I told him I am very nervous with presentation. He was surprised. He said I came across as very self assured. Amazing what maladaptive thoughts can do for you.

For me, telling my friends about SA liberated me. If I feel nervous again, I will say pardon my SA like someone suffering from asthma would pardon my asthma. After all, SA is an illness.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

That's good that those friends were so accepting, but I think that in my experience you have to be really careful about who you open up to about this. This may make some people feel uncomfortable around you. Some people may tell you that you just have to change your attitude. I'm not sure that many people know how to deal with SA.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

SAgirl said:


> This may make some people feel uncomfortable around you. Some people may tell you that you just have to change your attitude. I'm not sure that many people know how to deal with SA.


You are right. But I have known these folks for a long, long time. They know I am quiet and shy. So my admission was not a shock to them.

More important, I liberated myself. I can tell people I have social anxiety without trying to hide it. Actually, there is nothing to hide, I am very quiet. In social situations, I sweat profusely. They notice my physical symptoms.

Most important. I am liberated from approval anxiety. I don't really care if people know that I have SA. I would not tell my boss or peers about my SA but they sense it. I shy away from giving presentations, avoid conflict etc. The key is to be able to talk about SA without requiring sympathy or empathy or approval from people. Just like saying that you suffer from asthma. When people tell you they have asthma, they expect neither sympathy or empathy from you. Same applies to SA.

I have improved immensely in the last six months by doing exposure therapy. I just attended a civic meeting. I would have avoided it 6 months ago. I introduced myself and talked to other participants. There were 30 people in the room and no physical signs of anxiety. I stayed for over an hour. That is a triumph.

Thanks for your input.


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## quat (Sep 27, 2006)

doing an awesome job there, that's why getting over the pyschology of SAS is more important than anything. Knowing you can interact and it gets easier the more you do it.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

quat said:


> doing an awesome job there, that's why getting over the pyschology of SAS is more important than anything. Knowing you can interact and it gets easier the more you do it.


I talk openly about my SA to my toastmaster peers. (Toastmasters is a public speaking self help group). They are surprised I have SA since I am not nervous. A SA person thinks he is nervous even if the audience does not think so.

I am reading two good books recommended by Ross Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler and a similar title by Ronald Rapee.


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## Anachiel (Oct 21, 2007)

You really are brave for opening up and admitting to your friends about your SA, that takes a lot of courage. There is something magic about the truth setting you free and you've experienced that for yourself. And the fact that you are your own worse critic and not allowing your inner critic to get the better of you really takes a lot of focus and hard work. The thought of telling my friends about my SA just makes me squirm, I just tell them I get anxiety and that could mean any form of anxiety, I just don't feel safe enough to get that deep with them, I guess I also fear the worst, I'm sure they won't like me any less but it's just the thought that you appear weak that I find hard to deal with, or being taken advantage of if they know your flaws, but then again I tell myself that they wouldn't be real friends then if they did take advantage of you would they?
Well done though, I think you've really hit the nail on the head about figuring it all out, this is all very inspiring.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Anachiel said:


> The thought of telling my friends about my SA just makes me squirm, I just tell them I get anxiety and that could mean any form of anxiety, I just don't feel safe enough to get that deep with them, I guess I also fear the worst, I'm sure they won't like me any less but it's just the thought that you appear weak that I find hard to deal with, or being taken advantage of if they know your flaws, but then again I tell myself that they wouldn't be real friends then if they did take advantage of you would they?
> /quote]
> 
> By telling my friends about SA, I overcame my approval anxiety. Approval anxiety is the second pillar of SA. The first pillar is being the center of attention.
> ...


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Yesterday, I led a two hour meeting at work attended by 12 individuals. I fielded questions without any anxiety. Never entertained a maladaptive thought in that time. Today, I am told I am going to lead the sales presentation. No nerves at all. No sense of fear. 

I think by telling my friends about SA, I liberated myself. The truth will set you free is a true statement. 

I have come a long way since I posted the thread in August.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Geez, I'd say! Awesome.


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## Anachiel (Oct 21, 2007)

tomcoldaba said:


> Yesterday, I led a two hour meeting at work attended by 12 individuals. I fielded questions without any anxiety. Never entertained a maladaptive thought in that time. Today, I am told I am going to lead the sales presentation. No nerves at all. No sense of fear.
> 
> I think by telling my friends about SA, I liberated myself. The truth will set you free is a true statement.
> 
> I have come a long way since I posted the thread in August.


That's awesome Tomcoldaba! Very inspiring!


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

I just a new found friend about my social anxiety. His response is you are so socialable. I said "it is not true. I am terrified talking with you. In fact, a couple of times I saw you in the grocery store and walked out of the store just to avoid you."

In fact the more people I tell about my SA, the avoidance seems to strip away.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Very cool! Come to think of it, I've told new people about my social difficulties as well. I guess once you get into a habit of it, it's no big deal at all.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

*Taken lessons in ballroom dancing*

I recently told my boss about my SA and she said that she figured it out as I tend to be quiet. I feel comfortable telling people about my SA. I plan to give a speech at my Toastmaster club about the social anxiety.

On another note, I take ballroom dance classes. First I was petrified. By going dancing every day of the week, my anxiety went away. Now I dont feel anxious about asking a woman to dance.

Exposure therapy is the best way to lower your anxiety. Do what you fear again and again. It is better if you face your fear every day. That way your anxiety will melt away. I did it with dancing.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

That's is so cool. You have gained knowledge and experience, thus reducing your anxiety. Pragmatic and almost always effective. I want to take dance lessons so bad.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Hi FC,

I recall you spoke at your church about a year ago. Have you tried speaking again in public? Please do so. It will speed you on the road to recovery. 

It really helps if you tell others about your social anxiety. It sets you free. Of course, I will tell only folks I know or trust not every stranger I meet.


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

Thanks T. I have to admit my anxiety level is at an alltime low. I am speaking much more and being more of a leader at work. You're a great example and inspiration.


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## dontcare (Oct 6, 2008)

Oy, just reading the post title gave me anxiety.


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## ANCIENT (Aug 9, 2005)

great thread, tomcoldaba. it's great that you're overcoming SA. are you doing this without the help of meds?

how's the relationship with your friends now that you told them you have SA? has it changed anything in the way they treat you? one of the things i fear about telling someone i have SA is that they might treat me different. and i don't want that. it's great that you contacted friends you haven't talked to in a long time. i've been trying to do the same for a whle now (i've contacted 3 so far).

i want to take a dance class so bad, also. 70's or 80's. i think it would be so much fun.



tomcoldaba said:


> More important, I liberated myself. I can tell people I have social anxiety without trying to hide it. *Actually, there is nothing to hide, I am very quiet. In social situations, I sweat profusely. They notice my physical symptoms.*


i don't think i need to tell people about my SA for this reason. Like you said, there is nothing to hide. people already know i am very quiet, shy, scared to talk to people, and that get really nervous when i'm in public. if i tell the people that i used to talk to or my family, i don't think it will make me feel liberated or anything.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

ANCIENT said:


> great thread, tomcoldaba. it's great that you're overcoming SA. are you doing this without the help of meds?
> 
> how's the relationship with your friends now that you told them you have SA? has it changed anything in the way they treat you? one of the things i fear about telling someone i have SA is that they might treat me different. and i don't want that. it's great that you contacted friends you haven't talked to in a long time. i've been trying to do the same for a whle now (i've contacted 3 so far).


I did not try the meds. I was prescribed Paxil. I took them for three days and felt sick. I gave up on meds. I tried to face my fears by joining toastmasters (public speaking). I know it is scary. But I joined 3 clubs. That why I was facing my fear again and again. Actually, I should have joined 7 clubs. Anyway, I felt little anxiety in 6 months.

My friends still hang out with me. They now understand if I dont call them it is because of my SA. One of the drawbacks of SA, we are concerned about what other people think. If I stopped thinking of other peoples opinion, my SA would go away.

Dancing is a good way to deal with SA plus it is relaxation and exercise all rolled in one.

What was the reaction of the 3 friends you contacted? Actually, who cares what they think of you. What is important is what you think of yourself.

Please keep me posted on how you are doing.


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## ANCIENT (Aug 9, 2005)

tomcoldaba said:


> My friends still hang out with me. They now understand if I dont call them it is because of my SA. One of the drawbacks of SA, we are concerned about what other people think. If I stopped thinking of other peoples opinion, my SA would go away.


I guess that's something good that comes out when you tell people you have SA. instead of just disappearing without telling them why.

The 3 friends that I've contacted were actually glad that I called them. they asked me if I wanted to hang out but I told them no. I want to talk to them for a while before we hang out again. there's two others that I want to talk to again, and I'm working on that right now.

It's great that you're doing it without the help of meds. I also want to do it the same way. I don't want to rely on meds for the rest of my life. exercise and healthy eating has helped me a lot.

Sure, I'll keep you posted.


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## dontcare (Oct 6, 2008)

Ancient, did you tell your friends about SA? Or are you just randomly popping back into their lives?

I can never tell anyone about this. If you're managing without explaining, that would make me more optimistic.

I just feel like such a fake! If I do well, I have my meds to blame, I wonder if that's why they're my friends. I feel a shallow connection with them, they understand enough about me to build a real relationship. I tried going off, I just got myself into current mess, no friends at all. I don't see a solution.

I feel they'll suspect something's funny if I just randomly call them up. They have no idea, they think I'm just finding other ways to keep myself busy.


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## ANCIENT (Aug 9, 2005)

dontcare said:


> Ancient, did you tell your friends about SA? Or are you just randomly popping back into their lives?
> 
> I can never tell anyone about this. If you're managing without explaining, that would make me more optimistic.
> 
> ...


Actually, I am randomly popping back into their lifes. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone (family or friends) about my SA. I don't think I need to tell them, anyway. They already know that I'm very quiet, shy, and that I get very nervous when I'm around a lot of people. I'm guessing thay just think it's part of my personality (which I guess it kind of is). So there really isn't a reason for me to tell them. It's not going to help me in anyway. but there are some up sides if you tell them (tomcoldaba mentions a few of them).

What I'm doing is very hard for me because I usually the one that waits for someone to call me if I ever wanted to do something. I don't really feel weird about randomly calling them up (ok, maybe I do feel a little weird) because they've called me up before to see how i've been doing (some even asked me if i wanted to hang out. sometimes i said yes and others i said no (i said more no than yes, though)). So far we have just been talking in the phone or email (2 of them asked if I wanted to hang out, but I said no). there's only one person that I haven't talked to for 7 years that I really want to talk to but I think it's going to be weird. We'll just have t wait and see. She was a really nice person, so I don't think it'll be a big problem...I hope.

The reason I'm doing this is because I'm tired of living like this (there's a few reasons but I won't say what they are because I don't want to make this post any longer than it is right now). My SA has been really bad for the last 7 years. I have been friendless for most of that time and it's been hell for me. I just want the close friends that i used to have and if it doesn't work at least I can say I tried. they have all been really nice so far and I'm very happy about that.

Anyway, I apologize to tomcoldaba for hijacking his thread. sorry.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

*No Apology Please*



ANCIENT said:


> Anyway, I apologize to tomcoldaba for hijacking his thread. sorry.


Ancient,

Here is another SA issue. Apology for no reason. SA sufferers apologize when others dont think anything is wrong. I am interested in your response.


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## ANCIENT (Aug 9, 2005)

I did feel I had to apologize because I looks like I took over your thread. But I guess people with SA do it because they want to avoid any confrontation that might bring any attention to them, I guess. I probably do this a lot.


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## Rasputin_1 (Oct 27, 2008)

Im extremely impressed with the progress you've made. Keep it up. At this point in my life I have never been able to tell anyone about my SA except for my mom dad and therapist. 

You should be very proud of yourself, it must feel like a tremendous weight is lifted off your shoulders when you do that.


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