# Simpsons quotes



## anonymid

The Seinfeld thread reminded me that I've been meaning for some time now to start a Simpsons-quote thread. (Lines from that show run through my head 24/7, and I need an outlet.) Here's three to start:


Homer: "Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas."

* * * 

Lou: "D--n boxes!"

* * * 

Kirk: You're letting me go?!
Boss: Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single 
people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to
know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years: "So long, good luck"?
Boss: I don't recall saying "good luck."


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## AppleEatsWorm

Moe (trying to convince Homer that he's a good friend): Remember that time everyone said you were too drunk to drive? Who gave you the keys?

there are way too many good Simpsons quotes. I'll just stick to that one.


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## Qolselanu

The one episode with Hank Scoprio. 

Hank Scorpio to Homer: "But Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot."

I really liked that episode.


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## pyramidsong

X-Files episode:

Homer- "Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon."

Scully- "Mr Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI."

Homer- "We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard, ya happy?" 


:lol


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## anonymid

Qolselanu said:


> The one episode with Hank Scoprio.
> 
> Hank Scorpio to Homer: "But Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot."
> 
> I really liked that episode.


That's a brilliantly over-the-top episode; definitely one of my favorites:

Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I
want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch
you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
Homer: Right.
Hank: Three... Two... [_phone rings_] One second...
[_Hank answers the phone and Homer falls to the ground_]
Oh, my God, the guy's on the floor.
Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.

* * *

_Homer tells him his family wants to move back._

Hank: Let them go. You'll stay here with me, we'll go bowling.
[_a burning man runs by_]
What's bothering them?
[_troops are shooting at each other_]
Homer: Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things.
Hank: Well, you can't argue with the little things. It's the little
things that make up life. [_throws a grenade_]


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## brimontz

"The Land of Chocolate.."
[Cue music.]
"Oh excuse me, you were talking about chocolate?"
"That was 10 minutes ago!"


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## Zephyr

Oh, there are Simpsons quotes for every occasion. Some of my favourites:

-"Start inhalin', Waylon"

-"My name if Otto, I love to get blotto!"

-"Supernintendo Chalmers"

-"I call the big on 'Bitey' "

-"Mmmm, pistol whip"

I like Barney's artsy film at the film festival, unfortunately titled "Pukahontas":

Barney-"My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic"

Lisa-"Mr. Gumble, this is a girlscout meeting"

Barney-"Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?"

Or the episode where they get taken in by the Movementarians. They're in Flanders' basement trying to deprogram Homer:

Willie - "Alright, so what's so sure-fire great about your fancy-pants leader?"

Homer - "The Leader knows all and sees all"

Willie - "Ooh, that is impressive!"

Homer - "And one day he will take us all to Blisstonia" [I forget exactly what Homer says here]

Willie - "This leader, he sounds like a grand fella"

Marge - "Willie, I don't think we're making much progress here..."

Willie - "Would you shut up woman? He's talkin' about ma leader!"


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## Zephyr

My favourite episode might be the one about the B-sharps. The whole thing is a spoof on the story of the Beatles.

Bart - "So what happened to you guys, screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?"

Homer - "We said it all the time, it was the title of our second album"

Or when they're at the party where Homer meets George Harrison:

Homer - _....and then came the biggest thrill of my life..._

George - "Hello Homer, I'm George Harrison"

Homer - "Oh my god. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie!?"

George - "Over there, there's a whole pile of them"

*Homer runs over to the table and starts gobbling up brownies*

George - "Hmm what a nice fellow"

Later they're in the recording studio and Barney comes in with the 'Japanese conceptual artist'.

Barney - "Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange, new places"

*puts a cassette in the deck*

"Number eight..._belch_...Number eight..._belch_...Number eight..."


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## elephant_girl

I like the episode where Lisa becomes a vegetarian or something and homer starts dancing around and singing "you can't make friends with salad". Those are words to live by.


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## Lonelyguy

One of my favorite Simpsons quotes:

Snake: Don't say that baby. I'm going to win you back if I have to pistol-whip this guy all night. 
Homer Simpson: Pistol-whip? Mmmmmm pistol whip .... 
[Homer imagines he's eating from a tub of Cool-Whip using a pistol as a spoon.]


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## Zephyr

I like when they go to Duff Gardens and Bart makes Lisa drink the water and she goes crazy.

Doctor -"We found this one swimming naked in the aquarium"

Lisa - "I am the lizard queen!!"

Another one from Homer:
"Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"

I also like all the words the Simpsons have invented, or at least repopularized. Words like

Embiggens
Cromulent
Redorkulation
Yoink!
Skittlebrau

There's a whole list of these words and explanations here


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## whiteclouds

Barney: If it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I would still be sucking the juice out of glowsticks.

Homer: Nothing makes a parent happier then when an eccentric single man takes an interest in your child.
**********

Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Do you want to take your vitamin like a big boy or do I have to put it in applesauce?

Principal Skinner: Applesauce.


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## brimontz

Ralph Wiggum quotes are the best:

Me fail English? That's umpossible!

I bent my Wookie.

Bart: Go orange! 
Nelson: Go grapefruit! 
Ralph: Go Banana!

Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.

The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.


Brian


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## brimontz

There's actually a web site devoted to this:

http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/

As well as a Family Guy one: http://www.familyguyquotes.com/

Brian


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## whiteclouds

One of my favorite characters is Lionel Hutz, the incompetent lawyer.

"Hello! I was just looking through your garbage when I overheard you needed a babysitter."

"That judge has had it in for me ever since I accidentaly hit his dog with my car. Actually, replace accidentaly with repeatedly, and dog with son."

(awakens from sleep and pulls out a knife) "Don't touch my stuff! Hey...this isn't the YMCA..."

Judge: "Mr. Hutz, do you have any evidence to support your case?"
Hutz: "We have plenty of heresay and conjecture...those are kinds of evidence."

Marge goes to his office and shows him an ad he put in the newspaper saying:

Works on contingency.
No money down.

Hutz: "Oops, there are punctuation errors in there.."

He fixes the ad to say:

Works on contingency?
No, money down!


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## Zephyr

> Marge goes to his office and shows him an ad he put in the newspaper saying:
> 
> Works on contingency.
> No money down.
> 
> Hutz: "Oops, there are punctuation errors in there.."
> 
> He fixes the ad to say:
> 
> Works on contingency?
> No, money down!


Yeah that was great lol. It's too bad they can't do that character anymore, or Troy McClure (even though he was kind of annoying).


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## whiteclouds

Another favorite character of mine is Groundskeeper Willie. He's hysterical.

"Grease me up, woman!" (rips off his shirt)

"You wanna pick on immigrants? Pick on Willie!" (raising his fists to children)

"Aww, don't make fun of the big-bottomed lass. She's just as God made her, plump as a Christmas goose."

(about to fight a wolf that was attacking Bart) "Drop that hors d'oeuvre and get ready for the main course!" (rips off his shirt)

(after fighting a wolf with his bare hands) "Don't feel bad for losing. I was fightin' wolves back when you were at your mother's teat." (gives the wolf a drink from his whiskey flask)

:lol I actually think some of the secondary characters are more hysterical than the main characters! Can you tell I'm a Simpsons addict yet?


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## Melusine

I just saw a an episode were marge becomes a real estate agent and sells a mansion with a murderous past to the Flanders... 

Ned: oh! My diddly-ie, will you look at this place! And the price has been slashed repeatedly! 
Maude: The kids could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear! 
Ned: Well, I’ m just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I’m gonna give you a deposit this minute! Unless you give me a reason not to…
Ned: (high pitched womanly scream) purple drapes! All my life I’ve wanted purple drapes! (screams again)


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## Lonelyguy

Lunch Lady Doris is emptying this large barrel with a label the reads: Assorted Horse Parts - Now With More Testicles!
Doris: "More testicles mean more iron"


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## Zephyr

Lisa: "They call her the cat lady. People say she's crazy just because she owns a few dozen cats. But can anyone who likes animals that much really be crazy?"

_crazy cat lady comes out the door yelling gibberish and throwing cats at Lisa_


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## alimax456

Homer: "I'm alive! And I owe it all to this fiesty feline!"
Lisa: "Dad, feline means cat..."
Homer: "Elephant, honey. It's an elephant."


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## Lonelyguy

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand? 
Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up) 

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday. 
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend. 

Ralph Wiggum: 
My nose makes its own bubble gum

Dying tickles

My cat's breath smells like cat food


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## nothing to fear

Bart (talking to a frog inside a jar): Ahhh. what i'd give to live the life of a frog...

Marge walks in room: Bart, how would you like to take a trip to France?!


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## anonymid

Cooper Black said:


> Homer: "Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!"
> Homer's Brain: _Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!_
> Homer: "Explain how!"
> Homer's Brain: _Money can be exchanged for goods and services!_
> Homer: "Woo-hoo!"


Love it. One of my favorites.


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## brimontz

Look at that blubber fly!


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## BeNice

> I also like all the words the Simpsons have invented, or at least repopularized. Words like
> 
> Embiggens
> Cromulent
> Redorkulation
> Yoink!
> Skittlebrau


Lol, Skittlebrau

Homer: "I'm feelin' low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it, you know, Skittlebrau?"

Apu: "Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it."

Homer: "Oh. Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."


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## BeNice

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[Joey runs out of the bar sobbing]
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!


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## Zephyr

BeNice said:


> Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
> Moe: Yeah?
> Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
> Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
> [Joey runs out of the bar sobbing]
> Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!


Oh yeah, that was great :lol

I like when Homer gets kicked out of the bar, and then later that guy walks in who looks just like him wearing a tophat and moustache.

Man: "Hello gentleman. May I trouble you for a drink?"
Moe: "Ah, get out of here Homer!"
Man: "Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito"

Then he gets tossed out of the bar onto the street where Homer's walking by...

Homer: *gasps* "This man is my exact double!" *looks over and gasps* "That dog has a puffy tail!!"


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## Zephyr

And speaking of the Simpsons, once again they make me wish they'd pack it in. I'm not sure if tonight's episode was brand new or just recent, but once again it wasn't funny.


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## Lonelyguy

I heard on the news last week they just made contracts for two more seasons, which would put the series at something like 18 years :fall


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## OnyxHeart

From the Mary Poppins episode:

Skinner: BOY FOR SALE! BOY FOR SALE!

Kid: Is this legal, man?

Skinner: Only here and in Mississippi


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## nothing to fear

Lonelyguy said:


> I heard on the news last week they just made contracts for two more seasons, which would put the series at something like 18 years :fall


nooo. they must stop this insanity!!


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## anonymid

Zephyr said:


> And speaking of the Simpsons, once again they make me wish they'd pack it in. I'm not sure if tonight's episode was brand new or just recent, but once again it wasn't funny.


Season 9 was the last good season of The Simpsons. It's been pretty terrible ever since (and it's in season 17 now). I haven't watched new episodes regularly in years. I don't even think of it as the same show.


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## anonymid

Love this bit from the Mr. Plow episode:

_As the tow truck takes the fused cars away, the insurance adjuster completes his interview._
Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night? [aloud] *It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.* [thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.


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## Zephyr

The episode when Moe gets plastic surgery...

Moe: "I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never...ugly ugly"


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## whiteclouds

I love Moe. He puts humor in depression.

"Yes, I'd like to order a pizza. And can you space out the meat so that it says Happy Birthday Moe? OH, GOD I'M ALONE!"

(Depressed) "I'm going to call the suicide hotline...(dials)...And they've blocked my number....OH, GOD!"

(Getting ready to go out) "And if anyone looks at me, I've got a hypodermic full of bleach..."

(after Homer cures Moe's back pain) "Wow, my physical pain is gone! Now I can focus on my crippling emotional pain......Why, Daddy, won't you hug me? Aaaaaaaa!"


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## anonymid

whiteclouds said:


> I love Moe. He puts humor in depression.


The Sea Captain does that a bit, too:

"Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'."

I repeat that one to myself all the time.

And there's another one by the Sea Captain where he says something about having clinical depression, but I can't remember exactly how it goes (and I don't feel like looking it up right now).


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## whiteclouds

I like the one where the health inspector comes to Moe's and chokes and dies on a pickled egg. A week later a new health inspector comes...

Health Inspector: This place is filled with health code violations!
Moe: Really? What?
Health Inspector: Well, for one, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor. There's cigarette butts in the air, a toilet on the roof...
*********
Bill Clinton: Lisa, you taught kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
**************
Moe: I got a great idea for the signs outside the bathrooms. They can say "Dukes" and "Dames" instead of what they say now, "Stand-Ups" and "Sit-Downs."


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## maf

Zephyr said:


> And speaking of the Simpsons, once again they make me wish they'd pack it in. I'm not sure if tonight's episode was brand new or just recent, but once again it wasn't funny.


"Cloud goes up. Cloud goes down."

Yes, The Simpsons should have ended about ten years ago when half-decent episodes were still being made. They're just embarrassing and unfunny and stupid now. A shame.


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## Fragilesoulkitten

Groundskeeper Willie - "Deeper, Wider, Faster! I wouldn't bury me turtle in that mudpuddle! Ack! What's the use!"

I also love when he goes to that audition and sings "Down Town".

"The little fat boy and his family are in trouble! I'm comin' ta rescue the lot a ya!"


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## VelvetElvis

_Ah, the simple wisdom of Barnard Gumble:_

Woman: It's brilliant: savagely honest, tender...he has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

A few more choice quotes (I have a weakness for the supporting characters too)

_Dr. Nick Riviera goes before the medical board:_
Man: Among the 160 gravest charges are: performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaraunt.
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
Man: Misuse of cadavers.
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier if I use the carpool lane!

_Lionel Hutz defending Marge: _
Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial.
Hutz: Right! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right...

_Cletus the slack-jawed yokel up a telephone pole:_ 
Cletus: Hey! I could call my Ma from here! Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!

Troy McClure (from a filmstrip by "the Meat Council": Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Milhouse (on the topic of Santa's Little Helper): Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?


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## whiteclouds

I like Dr. Nick too. He's hilariously incompetent. One time he was looking through an anatomy book and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness, that lady swallowed a baby!"


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## weatherman

willie- "If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders."


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## VelvetElvis

weatherman said:


> willie- "If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders."


Ha ha, Willie-"I dinna cry when my own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now."

And more:

Mayor Quimby: "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"

Grampa: "Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust."

Comic Book Guy: "Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more."

Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
Comic Book Guy: You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.


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## seeking_bat

brimontz said:


> I bent my Wookie.


That is one best Simpsons lines ever!

*************************************

Homer: To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme? 
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"


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## VelvetElvis

seeking_bat said:


> Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
> Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"


I used to love it when Homer just went...off...like that. My favorite Homer moments are probably the dream sequences-like the Land of Chocolate! Remember-"mmm, chocolate-half-price!"

That time he fell asleep driving home from the Kwik-E-Mart was genius too (from "Lisa's Pony"). And remember when they'd show what was going on in Homer's head, like two monkeys scratching each other? Good stuff...


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## weatherman

I just love the way Homer says this. It's from the Stonecutters episode. He became a member and just got his nice new chair at work.
Homer: Jealous?
Lenny: Well, no, we've got the same chair.
Homer: You're jealous.

also in that episode:
Homer: I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. It's me.
Marge: You're not a god Homer
Lisa: Remember dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer: So?
Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.
Homer: No.
:lol


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## Zephyr

The episode with the Movementarians:

Lisa: Watch out dad, you're the highly suggestible type!

Homer (in kind of spaced-out voice): Yes, I am the highly suggestible type...


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## weatherman

Hahaa :lol That is a great episode. "OUTTA MY WAY JERKASS!!"


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## Zephyr

Or the episode when Homer's mother returns...Lisa and Mona Simpson are singing 'Blowing in the Wind'..

Mona and Lisa (singing) _How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man..._

*Homer walks into the room*

Homer: Seven!

Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question

Homer: Rhetorical, eh? Eight!

Lisa: Do you even know what rhetorical means?

Homer (said rhetorically): Do *I* know what *rhetorical* means!?


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## nothing to fear

:lol :lol :lol 

I love this thread.


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## VelvetElvis

Moe: Well I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I...I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants. 

Abe: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Abe: I just want attention. 

Ralph: Oh, boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper (ashamed): Yes.

More Jasper: 
Jasper: Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'.


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## weatherman

Flanders: Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and Sweatin' to the Oldies volumes 1, 2, and 4.


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## seeking_bat

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart: A leprechaun. Right.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.


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## weatherman

Willie: Yup. I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him! I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts! And I 'ate the way he's always barkin! So I gave him to the church!
Bart: Oh, I see. You hated him so you gave him to the church.
Willie: Right. And one more thing, I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. Ya heard me! 

Moe: Ya gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes!
Repo guy: Hey, next time pay your bills.
Moe: But I don't want to! :lol :lol


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## seeking_bat

Duffman has got to be one of the funniest of the secondary characters.


Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! 

Duffman's thrusting in the direction of the problem! 

Titania: You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things! Oooh yeah!!!


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## Zephyr

That's one mug you don't wanna chug. Ooh yeahh!!


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## VelvetElvis

Duffman: New feelings brewing inside Duffman... What... WOULD JESUS DO?!


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## weatherman

Duff Man: Duff Man wants to party down with the man who sent in 10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold for, Barney Gumbel!
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Barney: I can't, I'm the designated driver! 
(Everything stops) 
Duff Man: Yeah that's swell, Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now! Who wants to Party!

Do you any of you know when the 8th season is coming out on DVD?


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## seeking_bat

:lol I'm loving all the Duffman quotes. 


How about Sideshow Bob? I've always loved this one:

Laywer: Well, what about that tatoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for 'The Bart, The."
Parole Judge: No one who speaks German can be an evil man! Parole Granted!


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## Melusine

Oooh..

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Ralph: Me, fail english? Unpossible.


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## weatherman

:lol :lol I love Grandpa. 
Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? 
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. 
Grampa: Flu? 
Homer: No. 
Grampa: Protein deficiency? 
Homer: No. 
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? 
Homer: No. 
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life? 
Homer: N - yes. But please, don't you say that word. 
Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility] 
The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!


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## seeking_bat

Melusine said:


> Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.


That's a fantastic line. :lol Definitely one of the best


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## Zephyr

Lisa: I don't think any of us are capable of attempted murder.
Grandpa: Nuh-huh. You don't know what' you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong!


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## anonymid

ianthe said:


> I just saw a good one right now:
> 
> Lisa is hanging out with some jazz guy and marge drives up telling lisa to get in the car, says to the jazz guy: "it's nothing personal, I just fear the unknown."


"Lisa! Get away from that jazzman!"

I love that line.


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## anonymid

Homer, answering the phone:

"Y'ello? You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."


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## anonymid

weatherman said:


> Do you any of you know when the 8th season is coming out on DVD?


If they remain on the same schedule they've been on, it should be this summer sometime. No signs of it yet on Amazon, though. August, maybe?


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## VelvetElvis

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay. 

Lenny: I can't believe I'm spending my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles aren't even mine!

Homer : Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...
Marge : Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?


----------



## Zephyr

> Homer : Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...


Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

That might be my favourite all time Simpsons quote.


----------



## VelvetElvis

Zephyr said:


> Homer : Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...
> 
> 
> 
> Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
> 
> That might be my favourite all time Simpsons quote.
Click to expand...

Thank you-I screwed it up. Of course it's from the episode "Lady Bouvier's Lover" wherein Grandpa courts Marge's rarely-seen mother Jackie.


----------



## seeking_bat

Zephyr said:


> Lisa: I don't think any of us are capable of attempted murder.
> Grandpa: Nuh-huh. You don't know what' you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong!


Love that line. :lol

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.


----------



## VelvetElvis

seeking_bat said:


> Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.


:lol _Leonard Nimoy is my favorite "celebrity as himself" on the Simpsons._

Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five. 
Quimby: And let me say, may the Force be with you!"
Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on.
Passenger (sitting next to him): Does anyone wanna switch seats?

_More Milhouse:_

Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?
Shelbyville Milhouse: [pause] But Milhouse is my name!
Milhouse: But I thought I was the only one!
Shelbyville Milhouse: A pain I know all too well.
Milhouse: So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

_Gil the salesman is one of the better newer characters-even more self-hating than Moe. _

Gil: Well, after I lost my third job in two days, old Gil was in a pit of despair.
Lindsey Naegle: And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic?
Gil: Oh, no, I never touch the stuff. But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway. Now, this is used crankcase oil, which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you know. And company's coming [two men pick up Gil and carry him out the door] Aw, you're doing this at the worst possible time. Ow, your finger's in my eye!


----------



## seeking_bat

VelvetElvis said:


> :lol _Leonard Nimoy is my favorite "celebrity as himself" on the Simpsons._


Mine too.

This is one of my favourite lines:

Homer: "Oh, God help me, help me God!"
_phone rings_
Homer (sounding unsure): "Hello."
_A deep voice_: "Hello Homer, this is God...frey Jones of the hit TV show Rock Bottom."


----------



## Zephyr

lol

I think I could talk Simpsons all day.

I like the episode when Lisa first becomes a vegetarian and meets Paul and Linda McCartney.

Apu: Lisa, you can influence people without badgering them all the time. It's like Paul's song, 'Live and Let Live'

Paul: Actually, it was 'Live and Let Die'

Apu: Whatever, whatever..it had a good rhythm


and also...

Paul: We met Apu years ago, during the Maharishi days
Apu: Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle!
Paul: Sure you were, Apu.


----------



## Zephyr

Discu Stu: Did you know, disco sales are up four hundred percent for the year ended 1976? If these trends continue....aaaayyy!


----------



## VelvetElvis

Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Pimply-Faced Teen: This is coming out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If _you_ did it, sir?

_Then there's Kang and his sister Kodos, the Rigellians who appear every Halloween:_

Kodos: Well Kang, it seems the Earthlings won.
Kang: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!


----------



## Melusine

I like the running joke with lenny getting things in his eye, me and my dad laugh so hard at it.

Lenny: Ahh! I'm not supposed to get jigs in my eye!


----------



## seeking_bat

VelvetElvis said:


> Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.


Fantastic line! :lol

Not sure if this one's been done yet:

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!


----------



## weatherman

Lenny:"Ow, my eye, my doctor told me not to get pudding in it."


----------



## sonya99

I didn't have time to read through all of them, I hope this fav hasn't already been posted, hehe.

Dr. Zeus Dr. Zeus...


----------



## Zephyr

> Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.


I like the follow up to that:

Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya!? That coloured chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!


----------



## seeking_bat

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.


----------



## VelvetElvis

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

_Burns notices one of his hounds is looking weak:_
Burns: What's wrong with Crippler? 
Smithers: Ah, he's getting on, sir, he's been here since the late '60s. 
Burns: Ah, yes. I never forget the day he bagged his first hippy. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy".

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk.
Grampa: Oh, jeeh, you're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
Bart: So how do you know so much about American history?
Grampa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

_I use that last line from time to time._


----------



## seeking_bat

Comic Book Guy: "There's no emoticon to describe how I'm feeling."


----------



## weatherman

Grandpa: My story begins in Nineteen dickety two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "twenty." I chased him down the road but gave up after dickety-six miles...


----------



## seeking_bat

weatherman said:


> Grandpa: My story begins in Nineteen dickety two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "twenty." I chased him down the road but gave up after dickety-six miles...


 :lol Great line

Grandpa Simpson: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few.


----------



## nothing to fear

seeking_bat said:


> Comic Book Guy: "There's no emoticon to describe how I'm feeling."


ahaha, that's one of my favourites. i love comic book guy.


----------



## seeking_bat

I love it when they make fun of Fox.

Bart: "What if the alien doesn't show up?" (or something like that, I can't remember the exact line)
Homer: "We'll fake it and sale it to the Fox network."
Bart: "Yeah, they'll buy anything."
Homer: "Now, son, they do a lot of fine programming too."
Both laugh.

Marge: "Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice."


----------



## Zephyr

seeking_bat said:


> Marge: "Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice."


Yeah I love that line. You can even hear the cheesy porno music in the background.


----------



## Zephyr

I like the confrontation between Bart and the kid from Shelbyville:

Bart: I know you are but what am I?
kid: A garbageman.
Bart: Oh I know you are but what am I?
kid: A garbageman.
Bart: I know you are but what am I?
kid: A garbageman.
Bart: Takes on to know one!
_kid makes stunned face_
Bart's friend: Checkmate!


----------



## itsmemaggi

brimontz said:


> Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.


I've used that as an AIM away message. :lol

xoxo
Maggi


----------



## weatherman

Comic Book Guy: Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cowcatcher.


----------



## VelvetElvis

Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest,
ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Willie: Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length gown covered in sequins! The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury!

Zombie Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson! I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
_(Homer kills the Zombie Flanders.)_
Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?


----------



## seeking_bat

VelvetElvis said:


> Zombie Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson! I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
> _(Homer kills the Zombie Flanders.)_
> Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
> Homer: He was a zombie?


 :lol Great line.

Homer yelling at fish who are stealing the patio furniture from his underwater home in the future:
"Stupid Flounders!"


----------



## VelvetElvis

Maude: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Homer: And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Chief Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby.... Maybe Texas.


----------



## weatherman

Homer: White guys have names like Lenny, whereas black guys have names like Carl.


----------



## Zephyr

> Chief Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby.... Maybe Texas.


Wiggum is great. The episode where Homer and Bart are carnies:

Wiggum: Nice little operation here. It would be a shame if we had to close ya down. Maybe we can reach a little...understanding.

Homer: I understand.

Wiggum: Okay...I'm looking for my friend 'bill'. Have you seen any bills around here?

Homer: No. He's Bart.

Wiggum: Alright...I'll try this once more, and watch me wink as I talk to you...who I'm *really* looking for (_wink_) is my friend Mr. Bribe (_wink wink_)

Homer: It's a ring toss game!


----------



## seeking_bat

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.


----------



## Jnmcda0

The episode where some restaurant guy tries to kill Homer with a chocolate eclair: "This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly. Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate. ... and poison, I'll stick in some poison."

Homer: "I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T."

Grandpa: "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star."

Homer: "Lisa, would you like a donut?"
Lisa: "No thanks. Do you have any fruit?"
Homer: "This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit."

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible. "

Chief Wiggum: "Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2. "

Comic Book Store Guy: "This high-speed internet is intolerably slow."

Homer: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."


----------



## weatherman

Lou: Ya know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night.
Wiggum: The mcwhat?
Lou: McDonald's restaraunt. I never heard of it either. But they have over 2000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must have sprung up overnight.
Lou: Ya know the funniest thing though, it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example!
Lou: Well at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty burger with cheese, right, but they don't call it a Krusty burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out. Well what do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but uh... do they have Krusty partially gelatenated non-dairy gum based beverages?
Lou: Mm hm. They call em shakes.
Eddie: Shakes. You don't know what you're getting.
:lol :lol 
:lol :lol


----------



## bobomilano

"tastes like burning"-Ralph Wiggum


----------



## Lonelyguy

Geek: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.
Marge: Does anyone need that much porno?
Homer: :drools: One million times...

Homer:
Operator! Give me the number for 911! 

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Ralph Wiggum:
Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!


----------



## weatherman

Grampa: "Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions." 

Grandpa: "Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save Spring Break!"


----------



## Zephyr

> And that mule went on to save Spring Break!"


That's awesome :lol ...I think of that line all that time.


----------



## Zephyr

I like the story he tells when all the old guys are recruited by Mr. Burns to be strikebreakers. How he's talking about the time he caught the ferry over to Shelbyville (which was called Morganville in those days) and he had to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time...


----------



## VoxPop

I like how much of a blatant parody of Mike Tyson that Drederick Tatum is "_Litter is my greatest foe: I would like to eat his children." _

To Mr. Burns: _When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged? 
_ - Dr. Nick

Homer in the episode in which he was banned from Moe's: "_Wait a minute, there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!"_


----------



## VelvetElvis

Dr. Nick (_on weight gain_): And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain.

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help, unless your tears smell like dog food. Now, you can just sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right. _[Gets up and leaves]_
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

_Mr. Sparkle is, of course, the Japanese detergent that banishes dirt to the land of wind and ghosts._

Mr. Sparkle (in Japanese): I'm disrespectful to dirt. Can you see that I am serious?

_From the same episode:_

Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far! She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face; I didn't even know he had a problem!


----------



## Zephyr

> Mr. Sparkle is, of course, the Japanese detergent that banishes dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.


I use that line all the time. Like if something no longer exists, it's been banished to the 'land of wind and ghosts'...


----------



## whiteclouds

Motivational Speaker: I'm so rich. I have a watch that is so encrusted with jewels that the hands can't even move. What does your watch look like?

Homer: Well, I just drew mine on with a marker.

------------

I like how the pathetic salesman, Gill, always talks to himself. "I made the sale! Old Gill is going to eat tonight!"


----------



## VelvetElvis

whiteclouds said:


> I like how the pathetic salesman, Gill, always talks to himself. "I made the sale! Old Gill is going to eat tonight!"


_I liked the time he was trying to sell Homer a car and another salesman took over for him. He dials his wife up on this gigantic rotary cell phone:_

Gil: Honey, you should have seen me with my last customer, I ... no, but I came so close. This guy was as ... Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? ... Aw, you said it was over ... No, don't put him on -- Hello, Fred, h-hi.


----------



## VoxPop

Homer: "_Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."_
Marge: "_Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?"_


----------



## whiteclouds

Homer was reading a self-help book. Step one in the book was to live each day of your life like it is your last. Homer sits on the curb and starts sobbing, "Oh No! I'm going to die!!! Why me? Why me?!!" Then he stops crying, stands up again, and says, "Okay, now for step two."


----------



## weatherman

whiteclouds said:


> Homer was reading a self-help book. Step one in the book was to live each day of your life like it is your last. Homer sits on the curb and starts sobbing, "Oh No! I'm going to die!!! Why me? Why me?!!" Then he stops crying, stands up again, and says, "Okay, now for step two."


Haha. I love when that guy throws Hans Moleman out the window.


----------



## anonymid

*"Oh no! Bette Midler!"*

"I'll get you for this Midleeeeeeeeeer!!!"


----------



## Zephyr

Bono: Is it true we shouldn't drink the water in Springfield?

Homer: We have a little saying. 'If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back'.

*oops, actually I think it was Billy Corgan. I think it was the episode where Homer becomes the 'freak' who takes a cannonball in the stomach every show.


----------



## kikachuck

Yeah, it was from that episode, but I don't think it was Billy Corgan who said it. I think it was the chic who played bass for the Smashing Pumpkins.


----------



## weatherman

Homer: I have misplaced my pants.


----------



## Zephyr

"I'm a rageaholic! I just can't live without rageahol!"


----------



## VelvetElvis

Sarcastic Guy (as a gun shop clerk): Sorry pal. The law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to do a background check.
Homer: Five days?! But I'm mad now!

Homer: Ahh, Rex Morgan MD, You have the prescription for the daily blues.

Moe _(on the "Holly Rollers" bowling team)_: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Sideshow Mel: Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!


----------



## anonymid

Millhouse: "They're always eating candy in Shelbyville. They just love the sweet taste!"


----------



## weatherman

Fat Tony: I don't get mad. I get stabby.


----------



## Zephyr

Great thread here with classic Simpsons bits:

http://www.chud.com/forums/printthread.php?t=58051

I like this one, when Homer's the quizmaster:

"OK. There's a rattlesnake at the front door, a spider at the window, and a scorpion on the phone. Do you: a) None of the below..."


----------



## Zephyr

And later when he's figuring out how long he'll live:

"Non-smoker, add eight years...umm hmm....it says I'll live to be...forty-two!? Oh, I won't even live old enough to see my children die!"


----------



## Swiftwind

The Simpsons quotes are the BEST! 

Here are some of my very faves...

(Homer talking to Bart)

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." - Homer

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'." - Lionel Hutz

"Attempted murder, really, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?" - Sideshow Bob

"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa." - Bart

"Being eaten by crocodile is just like going to sleep...in a giant blender." - Homer

"I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!" - Homer


----------



## seeking_bat

Homer: "Help me Jebus!"


----------



## Drella

My bologna has a first name, it's H-o-m-e-r.


----------



## seeking_bat

During Homer's daydream about what it would like to be a hippie:

Hippie Woman #1: Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full?
Homer: Lather, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat.
Hippie Woman #2: Homer J., will you teach us to make love?


----------



## southerndaisy

Drella's_Rock_Follies said:


> My bologna has a first name, it's H-o-m-e-r.


haha! I love that one.


----------



## whiteclouds

"DRINK DUFF! (responsibly)"


----------



## VelvetElvis

Kent Brockman: ...and that fluffy kitten played with that ball of string, all through the night. And on a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered.

Wiggum: You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Wiggum: Ok folks, back away nothin to see here... Oh my God, a horrible plane wreck! Hey everybody crowd around, come on, don't be shy, crowd around.

_Jay Sherman (John Lovitz as his "Critic" character) interviews Rainier Wolfcastle on his new movie, "McBain: Let's Get Silly":_

Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost 80 million dollars.
Jay Sherman: How _do _you sleep at night?
Rainier: On top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies.


----------



## seeking_bat

Edna Krabappel: "Bart is guilty of the following offence: replacing my birth control pills with tic-tacs."

Edna Krabappel (while watching a sex ed video in class): "Eh, she's faking it."


----------



## weatherman

Homer: Oh no! This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.


----------



## Zephyr

The episode where Homer gives up beer, and he's watching the baseball game: 

Announcer (in Vin Scully voice): So here's the 3-1 pitch. Oh, no sir...the batter's calling for time. And now there's a beachball on the field, and the ballboys are discussing which one of them is going to go get it...

Homer: I never realized how boring this game is.



I love baseball but that scene always cracks me up.


----------



## VelvetElvis

Principal Skinner _(presiding over the Springfield Elementary Model UN)_: Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you want to squabble and waste time?

Kent Brockman _(believing that Homer's space shuttle mission has been hijacked by "giant space ants")_: And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Mr.Burns_ (going "Howard Hughes" through isolation)_: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Mr.Burns: Model?


----------



## Zephyr

Mr. Burns: Bah! There's no time. We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in.
Smithers: Uh, but, sir...
Mr. Burns: ****** gun* I said...hop in!!


----------



## VelvetElvis

Zephyr said:


> Mr. Burns: Bah! There's no time. We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in.
> Smithers: Uh, but, sir...
> Mr. Burns: ****** gun* I said...hop in!!


 :lol 
_
The dialogue right before that is great too-
_
Burns: Ah, my beloved plant. How I miss her -- bah! To hell with this. Get my razors! Draw a bath! Get these kleenex boxes off my feet!
Smithers: Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine?
Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those.


----------



## whiteclouds

Homer: Who would think a man who agreed to follow my daughter around for money would turn out to be such a jerk?!!!


----------



## Nym

From _Lisa The Vegetarian _, possibly my favourite Simpsons family exchange ever:

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, _not_ talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said!
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!


----------



## whiteclouds

^That's a classic! LOL


----------



## weatherman

Dr. Nick- With my new diet, you can eat as much as you want, any time you want. 
Marge-And you'll lose weight?
Dr. Nick- You might! It's a free country!
------------

Dr. Nick-Calm down, you are going to give yourself skin failure!
------------

Dr. Nick-These gloves came free with my toilet brush.


----------



## sonya99

The Boring World of Neils Bohr


----------



## whiteclouds

Homer: "Marge, why are you crying? You are not in any physical pain, the only kind of pain a man can understand..."


----------



## [insert_name_here]

Ralph (after taste-testing wild berries): "Tastes like burning"


----------



## Vincenzo

Flanders: Oh, Maude, I've turned your dream of a Christian amusement park into a _bemusement_ park.
Homer: Don't say that, Ned!
Fllanders: It is! It's a _bemusement park_!


----------



## Swiftwind

Bart: Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.


----------



## Zephyr

> Bart: Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.


That's one of my favourites. I always think of that one when I'm out and thinking of directions.


----------



## weatherman

Marge:It took the children 40 minutes to locate Canada on the map.
Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada...all tucked away down there.


----------



## Zephyr

"Call this an unfair generalization if you *must*, but old people are no good at everything."


----------



## VelvetElvis

Zephyr said:


> "Call this an unfair generalization if you *must*, but old people are no good at everything."


Moe is great. I like the sort of crush he has on Marge:

"Oh, uh, hi, Marge. I heard you and Homer broke up so I'm declaring my intentions to move in on his territory. Here, I brung you some posies."

_More radiation-tinted Springfield goodness:_

Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."

Smithers: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre." 
Mr. Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones!"

Bart: "Oh, no! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!"


----------



## Vincenzo




----------



## Drella

"My eyes. The goggles, they do nothing!"


----------



## brimontz

Homer (to Bart): I don't want to alarm you but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!


----------



## Swiftwind

VelvetElvis said:


> Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."


That's one of my favourites!


----------



## VelvetElvis

Swiftwind said:


> VelvetElvis said:
> 
> 
> 
> Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
> 
> 
> 
> That's one of my favourites!
Click to expand...

Well, jeepers, thanks.  Here's something for all you SCA Renaissance Faire nerds (just kidding. Those things are great):

Chief Wiggum: Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...and the body...of a rabbit.

_Wiggum is a master at stating the exact opposite of the obvious-I can see where Ralph gets it from._

Willie as Scatman Crothers, explaining to Bart about "the Shinning":
"Now look boy. If your da goes ga-ga, you just use that 'shin' of yours to call me and I'll come a-runnin'. But don't be readin' my mind between four and five. That's Willie's time."


----------



## whiteclouds

I like Homer's views on God:

"God is my favorite fictional character."

"If only God were alive to see this."


----------



## Zephyr

Homer: "It's better to watch stuff, than to do stuff."


----------



## kikachuck

VelvetElvis said:


> Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."


One of my favorites of all time is in that exact same episode...

Bart: Mom, I just saw Krusty!
Marge: Yes, dear, in your mind.
Bart: No, on the street.
Marge: On the street in your mind.
Bart: Why won't you believe me?
Marge: Sweetheart, sometimes when people die, you just want them to
be alive so badly you see them everywhere. I went through the
same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

Of all people, Lyndon Johnson :lol


----------



## nothing to fear

brimontz said:


> Homer (to Bart): I don't want to alarm you but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!


hahai loved that one.

*Bart is practising lines for the Radioactive Man audition*
Homer: What did you say? Marge, are there other men in this house? "_Radioactive_ Men"?


----------



## weatherman

nothing_to_fear said:


> *Bart is practising lines for the Radioactive Man audition*
> Homer: What did you say? Marge, are there other men in this house? "_Radioactive_ Men"?


 :lol I laughed out loud when I read that. I love that one.


----------



## Zephyr

When they're at rock and roll fantasy camp at the songwriting workshop with Tom Petty (sort of a paraphrase):

Tom Petty: Now lyric writing is the hardest part of songwriting. It's hard to write deep meaningful lyrics...

Homer and friends: We don't need that. Rock songs should be about partying and chicks!

Tom: So you guys just want mindless, generic rock? *shrugs and changes his acoustic guitar for electric*
_See that drunk girl speeding down the street..._

Homer et al.: Yeah!

Tom: _She's worried about the state of public schools_

Homer: Booo!!

Tom: _She likes to party, she likes to rock!_

Homer: Yeahh!!

Tom: _She's praying our schools don't run out of chalk_

Homer: Booo!


----------



## guy_in_maroon

There's a site for a list of the geekier Simpons quotes at http://homepage.smc.edu/nestler_andrew/SimpsonsMath.htm

My favorites:

The episode when Lisa helps Mr. Burns create a new business, at the end Mr. Burns offers Lisa 10% of the $12,000,000 for the business.

Lisa: Oh, but I can't accept that, knowing where it came from. Can I? Mom?
[Marge tells Lisa to do whatever her conscience tells her to. Lisa takes the check, and, hesitating, tears it up. Marge tells Lisa that she did the right thing, and Homer collapses.]
Dr. Hibbert at the hospital: Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.
Lisa: I'm sorry, Dad.
Homer: It's all right. I understand. But we really could've used that $12,000.
Lisa: [nervously] Um, Dad, ten percent of $120,000,000 isn't $12,000. It's.&#8230;
Woman's voice [over intercom]: Code blue! Code Blue!

Prof. Frink: Scientists ... Scientists, please! I'm looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying of attention. Pi is exactly three!
[crowd gasps]
Frink: Very sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention.

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no god.
Flanders: We'll just see about that &#8230; uh-oh &#8230; well, maybe he made a mistake &#8230; nope, it's air-tight. Can't let this little doozie get out. [He holds a lighter to Homer's paper which is full of various mathematics including series and integrals.]


----------



## whiteclouds

guy_in_maroon said:


> Prof. Frink: Scientists ... Scientists, please! I'm looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying of attention. Pi is exactly three!
> [crowd gasps]
> Frink: Very sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention, we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson. Let's bring her out and pay attention.


 :lol That's one of my favorite jokes in The Simpsons. Reminds me of an enthusiastic math teacher I had in high school who was always very exact in his Pi calculations, and he would freak out if someone rounded the number.

I love Prof Frink with all his quirky exclamations. Hoiven Maven!

I also like when Frink uses his "science pole" to open up a cage with a bully inside. That brings back memories of my biology teacher who also had a "science pole". In fact, every ordinary object that happened to be laying around in the classroom, he would refer to as a "science" thing.

I like how The Simpsons often captures the quirkiness of science, math, or art buffs. A lot of times those jokes are strikingly close to reality.


----------



## whiteclouds

As a former animation student, I like the one where Roger Meyers is explaining to Bart and Lisa how animators sometimes repeat backgrounds on an endless loop to save production costs. Meanwhile, the three characters are walking through a hallway, and they pass the same water cooler and mopping lady in the background two or three times.


----------



## dez

They're in the older episodes but I love Bart's prank calls to Moe. :lol 

Moe: Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer: Don't look at me!
Moe: Oh, no... You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!


----------



## weatherman

Moe: "They think they're so high and mighty, just cause they never got caught driving without pants"

Chalmers: "God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion."

Chalmers:"Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children..."

Christian School Sign: We put the Fun back in Fundamentalist Dogma.


----------



## Zephyr

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty?! Where are we??


----------



## whiteclouds

When the MAD magazine building in New York gets blown up and crumbles to the ground, the writers who were inside the building get up from the rubble and dust themselves off. One of them says,

"Are you okay, guys?"

The rest of them say in unison, "yes", while one of the writers adds happily, "I actually feel better!"


----------



## anonymid

I saw an ice cream truck go by today and I thought, "ooh! raspberry!"


----------



## anonymid

"My legs hurt."

- one of those miscellaneous Simpson relatives that appears at the end of that episode where Lisa is worried that she's genetically predisposed to become stupid


----------



## Zephyr

anonymid said:


> "My legs hurt."
> 
> - one of those miscellaneous Simpson relatives that appears at the end of that episode where Lisa is worried that she's genetically predisposed to become stupid


"Well sir...I step in front of cars and sue the drivers!"

Relative: "I run an unsuccessul shrimp company"
Homer: "Oh...but you run it, right?"
Relative: "Oh yeah"

Homer: "Here's your second cousin Stanley!"
Stanley: "Umm...I shoot birds at the airport"
Homer: "Everyone hates birds, right? Right?"

I love that episode :lol

I also like when Abe Simpson is explaining to Lisa in the attic about the Simpson gene. He's like, "Yeah, your father used to be smart as a monkey. Then his mind started getting lazy and now he's dumb as a chimp".

Then later, "Now look at your brother's schoolwork. He used to be smart as a chimp..."


----------



## VelvetElvis

Network Executive: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy. You've heard the expression "Let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay; consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive?
Executive: Oh, God, yes! We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that... I'm fired aren't I?
Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, yes. Now, the rest of you start writers thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of, say... Poochie, only more proactive.
_
After everyone leaves in reaction to the introduction of Poochy:_

Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of "Impy and Chimpy" I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh...got a beautiful home here.

Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.
Lenny: Ohhh! Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? 
Smithers: Ummm... remember we tried that, sir? 
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.


----------



## instil

Zephyr said:


> Homer - _....and then came the biggest thrill of my life..._
> 
> George - "Hello Homer, I'm George Harrison"
> 
> Homer - "Oh my god. Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie!?"
> 
> George - "Over there, there's a whole pile of them"
> 
> *Homer runs over to the table and starts gobbling up brownies*
> 
> George - "Hmm what a nice fellow"


 :haha This one and maye 2 or 3 others jumped right into my head. thats a classic simpsons moment! "Oh My GOD!!!!"


----------



## instil

brimontz said:


> "The Land of Chocolate.."
> [Cue music.]
> "Oh excuse me, you were talking about chocolate?"
> "That was 10 minutes ago!"


i forgot about this one, but also hilarious. i remember him skipping through the town. then while in the land of chocolate, he walks up to a candy store window and says "woooooooooooow! half price chocolate!!"

along the same candy theme....one of the best, most classic simpsons epsiodes (the Hank Scorpio one was another epsiode that was just levels above all others) is the one where Homer gets tickets to the Candy Convention:

Frink: As you can see, (jawbreaker is hovering in this glowing circle behind him) I have created a lemon ball so sour it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as 77X42... Bwei... Where the hell is the candy???!

Homer: I dont know. (his face is so puckered up that he can hardly speak and his mouth has been sucked up into his face)

later in the same episode....

As hes getting chased out of the convention by an angry mob, he pulls a can of soda out of his pocket, opens it, and shoves a bag of pop-rocks over the top of the can, shakes it up, and says "See you in HELL, caaaaaandy boys!!!" and throws the can like a grenade at the crowd.
It detonates into a giant, fiery explosion and the force of the blast knocks Homer off his feet across the screen like an action movie


----------



## jms42

I dont know if this has been posted or if its the correct quote but.
Homer: "Hello my name is Mr. Burns" 
Mail dude: "Okay, what's your first name Mr. Burns?"
Homer: "I don't know..." 
I think that's how it went, anyway it's funny stuff.


----------



## kikachuck

jms42 said:


> I dont know if this has been posted or if its the correct quote but.
> Homer: "Hello my name is Mr. Burns"
> Mail dude: "Okay, what's your first name Mr. Burns?"
> Homer: "I don't know..."
> I think that's how it went, anyway it's funny stuff.


That's the one where he goes into the post office to get a package he accidentally sent to Mr. Burns and tells the guy 'Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a package for me'. The post office guys says something like 'Okay Mr. Burns, what is your first name'. Then Homer says 'I don't know' in a funny kind of voice.... great scene :lol


----------



## Zephyr

jms42 said:


> I dont know if this has been posted or if its the correct quote but.
> Homer: "Hello my name is Mr. Burns"
> Mail dude: "Okay, what's your first name Mr. Burns?"
> Homer: "I don't know..."
> I think that's how it went, anyway it's funny stuff.


Homer (in funny voice): Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."

Mail guy: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?

Homer: .....I don't know.

Then later he and Bart are sitting outside of the mail office:

Homer (sarcastically): Great plan, Bart.


----------



## anonymid

Troy McClure's filmography:

http://www.snpp.com/guides/troy.mcclure.html

(And yes, this is a really, really, really, really, really old thread I'm digging up.)


----------



## Robot the Human

Moe is the best. Always makes me laugh, at how cheap and awful he is.

Reporter: Are you a registered voter? 
Moe: I'm a registered... something.

Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, "hey you in the bushes!"


----------



## hunterkyrie

Me and my bf were watching a few episodes yesterday and we actually quoted this before we watched the episode and forgot this quote was in that particular one...

*Homer: *God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[_doorbell rings_]
*Ned: *Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two
tick --
*Homer: *[_slams the door_] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
*Marge: *Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[_Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands_]
*Homer: *I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [_bites_] Mmm, sacrilicious.


----------



## HipHopHead

Robot the Human said:


> Moe is the best. Always makes me laugh, at how cheap and awful he is.
> 
> Reporter: Are you a registered voter?
> Moe: I'm a registered... something.
> 
> Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, "hey you in the bushes!"


lololol hey you in the bushes...


----------



## anonymid

I made a Simpsons group. Please join, folks!

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/groups/simpsons-fans/


----------



## nothing to fear

Zephyr said:


> Homer (in funny voice): Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
> 
> Mail guy: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
> 
> Homer: .....I don't know.
> 
> Then later he and Bart are sitting outside of the mail office:
> 
> Homer (sarcastically): Great plan, Bart.


HAHA I was going to post this when I saw the thread


----------



## mrbojangles

"next, on 'mcgarnicle', mcgarnicle is framed for a crime he didn't commit. and only one person can clear his name: a little sissy boy who's too scared to come forward."
"you gotta tell 'em what you saw, billy.
"but I'm so scared, mcgarnicle."
"you gotta do this one for me, billy: mcgarnicle"
"well, ok. For you, mcgarnicle"

"well, mcgarnicle, billy is dead. they slit is throat from ear to ear."
"hey! i'm trying to eat lunch here."


----------



## Pocketfox

Homer, don't start stalking people again! It's so _illegal_! Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?!

_Well something did!_

NO MORE STALKING!

Okay, okay. I'm going outside now, to... _stalk_, Lenny and Carl...


----------



## tutliputli

Homer: 'Stupid sexy Flanders!'

-------

Lisa: 'Dad, where're your clothes?'

Homer: 'Um, I don't know'

Lisa: 'Don't tell me mom dresses you?'

Homer: 'I guess... or one of her friends...'


----------



## citizen_erased

_*Sung absentmindedly to The Flintstones theme tune, while Homer is driving home from work*_:
"Homer, Homer Simpson,
He's the greatest guy in history,
From the town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree..." _*screams as the crashes car into a chestnut tree*_


----------



## Pocketfox

The only "danger" is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes! Wait a minute... statue of liberty...


----------



## miminka

*Mr. Burns*: "Oooh, the Germans are mad at me! I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!"


----------



## Pocketfox

Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Kid: Uh, I better look in the manual. (...) This book must be out of date: I don't see "Prussia", "Siam", or "autogyro".

Burns: Well, keep looking!


----------



## anonymid

Homer (to himself, after Principal Skinner reveals his true identity):

"Keep looking shocked, and move slowly towards the cake . . . "


----------



## RyeCatcher86

From "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment"


----------



## anonymid

Best Moe bit ever:


----------



## anonymid




----------



## nothing to fear




----------



## BetaBoy90

Creepy Voices: THE SIIIIIIMMMMMPPPPPPSSSSSSOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNSSSSSS


----------



## nph53

from one of my favorite episodes:

Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over, "conquered" if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here...... And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.


----------



## Pocketfox

nph53 said:


> from one of my favorite episodes:
> 
> Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over, "conquered" if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here...... And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.


Hello, NASA? I'm sick of your boring space launches! I'm just an ordinary joe, but I know what I likes on TV! And another thing, how come I can't get no tang round here?

(later)

Hello, is this President Clinton? GOOD. I figured if anyone knew where to get some tang, it'd be you. SHUT UP.


----------



## anonymid

nph53 said:


> from one of my favorite episodes:
> 
> Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over, "conquered" if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here...... And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.


Haha, I love that one. This used to be my avatar on LiveJournal:


----------



## Pocketfox

MR. BURNS: "I've obtained a rare, powerful aphrodisiac. It was made from the pockets of the pocketfox, an animal that only existed for three weeks in the sixteenth century."


----------



## coldsorehighlighter

Homer: Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!"



Probably been mentioned already but I'm not going through all 10 pages.


----------



## kiirby

I was saying Boo-urns.




(have this tattoed on my calf )


----------



## huh

"I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another, until you just wish Flanders was dead." --Homer


----------



## alfredd88

I just saw a an episode were marge becomes a real estate agent and sells a mansion with a murderous past to the Flanders... 

Ned: oh! My diddly-ie, will you look at this place! And the price has been slashed repeatedly! 
Maude: The kids could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear! 
Ned: Well, I’ m just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I’m gonna give you a deposit this minute! Unless you give me a reason not to…:mum


----------



## nothing to fear

*Ralph:* Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.


----------



## rdrr

I love this thread.


Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
-Ralph Wiggum


----------



## Pocketfox

Hutz: Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?

Apu: No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1!

Hutz: Well, if you never forget anything, tell me this: What color tie am I wearing?

Apu: You are wearing a red and white striped club tie, in a half-windsor knot.

Hutz: Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that's what you think, I have something to tell you. Something which may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows: *I'm not wearing a tie at all.*

(Everyone gasps)


----------



## Contra

*Homer:* This is my quest. I'm like that guy. That Spanish guy.
You know, he fought the windmill...
*Marge:* Don Quixote?
*Homer:* No, that's not it. What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
*Marge:* Don Quixote.
*Homer:* No!
*Marge:* I really think that was the character's name. Don Quixote.
*Homer:* Fine! I'll look it up! _[heads off and consults a reference]_
*Marge:* _[annoyed]_ Well, who was it?
*Homer:* _[quietly fuming] _ Nevermind.


----------



## Pocketfox

MARGE: "This isn't very erotic. I think it's an actual utility room."
HOMER: "No, it's a romantic fantasy! We pretend I'm the janitor, and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room!"


----------



## anonymid

^ Great ones, guys!


----------



## Ape in space

*Nelson:* Hey, the principal has a shirt wiener!
_(kids all take pictures)_

*Skinner:* (_to self_) Leave your body, Seymour, leave your body.

This line pops into my head every time I get into an embarrassing situation.


----------



## anonymid

Favorite Millhouse quote:

"My shirt fell off."


----------



## KumagoroBeam

*Freddy Quimby: *Shau-dere? Shau-dere? It's "chowder" [_"chowdah"_]. Say it right!
*Waiter: *[_pause_] Chowder. [_"shaudear"_]
*Freddy Quimby: *[_laughter_] Come back here! I'm not through demeaning you!


----------



## feels

*Renee:* He's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in the movie theater just so we could have a romantic evening together
*Moe: *Yeah, well, I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off laughing and clapping- makes me wanna start poking eyes out and slashing guts and kicking throats


----------



## Pocketfox

feels said:


> *Renee:* He's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in the movie theater just so we could have a romantic evening together
> *Moe: *Yeah, well, I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off laughing and clapping- makes me wanna start poking eyes out and slashing guts and kicking throats


Stealing, stealing, stealing a car for Moe,
da na na da da na na,
Insurance fraud today!


----------



## feels




----------



## anonymid




----------



## Pocketfox

Look, I've done a lot of bad things in my life, but harassing women is NOT one of them! Like this one time, I see this guy on one of those big old-timey bikes, so I'm like, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, so I grab this huge chunk of cinderblock...


----------



## JimiPePPeroni

(If it hasn't been quoted already):

Homer: That bird! He's killing the elephant. Stop him!
Lisa: No, Dad, he's grooming him.
Homer: Grooming him, eh?
[later, at home]
Marge: Ooh, Homer, there's a bird on your head!
Homer: I know. He's grooming me. Mmm...elephant fresh.


----------



## anonymid

--Hey, I'm John Smith!
--John Smith 1882?
--My mistake!


----------



## silentcliche

^ :lol That shouldn't be as funny as I'm making it out to be but it is for some reason.

Homer: Stonecutters, eh? How do I join?
Lenny: There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter --
Homer: Next?
Lenny: -- or, save the life of a Stonecutter. [starts to eat a sandwich]
Homer: Hey! [grabs it, stomps on it] I saved your life! That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.
Lenny: Pfft, forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream.
Homer: So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: Aw, you've got it all wrong, Homer. It's not like that. 
[a man in an egg costume creeps, then runs, away]
Homer: You'd better run, egg!


----------



## Glacial

"Release the hounds."~Mr. Burns


----------



## Purple Pen

Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?


----------



## anonymid

"Don't mind me, folks, just getting the ol' wet-dry vac."


----------



## steelmyhead

My avatar is a quote.


----------



## harrynia

well.........I like the episode of simpsons , season 3 is my favorite I think this show is liked by all age person


----------



## coeur_brise

Homer Simpson: [reading an envelope in his mailbox] "Flancrest Enterprizses"? 
Ned Flanders: Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business, 
Homer Simpson: You liar! You don't have a home business! Why would you make up a lie like that? 
Ned Flanders: No, it's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet. 
Homer Simpson: Internet, eh? 
Ned Flanders: Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too. 
Homer Simpson: Scratch, eh? 
Ned Flanders: Yep. 
Homer Simpson: Maude, eh?


----------



## kiirby

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Simpsons

Well I just lost a few hours.


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## silentcliche




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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin

Arhh my eye!

The doctor told me _I wasn't_ supposed to get pudding in it!


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## WalkingDisaster

Homer: I have 3 kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and 3 money?


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## nothing to fear

Purple Pen said:


> Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
> 
> Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?


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## lazy calm

Ape in space said:


> *Nelson:* Hey, the principal has a shirt wiener!
> _(kids all take pictures)_
> 
> *Skinner:* (_to self_) *Leave your body, Seymour, leave your body.
> *
> This line pops into my head every time I get into an embarrassing situation.


..same here


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## fingertips




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## Pocketfox




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## fingertips

"aurora borealis? at this time of year? at this of day? in this part of the country? localised _entirely_ within your kitchen?"
"yes."
"may i see it?"
"no."


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## anonymid

^ That whole exchange is classic. :lol


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## fingertips

two, four, six, eight
homer's crime was very great
great meaning large or immense
we use it in the pejorative sense


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## TheRob

I love Homer's misinterpretations and misquotations of the Bible.

Homer: "Thou shalt not... horn in on thy husband's... racket."
Marge: "Where does the Bible say racket?"
Homer: "It's in there."


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## GuyMontag

Time to resurrect this thread.

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?


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## Solomon's Tomb

(Nelson, after seeing the movie _Naked Lunch..._) 
"I can think of at least two things wrong with that title."


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## coeur_brise

*Lisa*: I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model. 
*Marge*: I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. 
*Malibu Stacy*: [_Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string_] Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. 
[_Marge murmurs_] 
*Lisa*: That's it I'm calling the company.


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## coeur_brise

Comic Book Guy: "Is there a Klingon word for loneliness?"
[looks through pocketbook] Ah yes, Gar'dak!


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## CrimsonTrigger

Homer's mind: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.


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## The Blues man

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]

*Marge Simpson:* Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

*Homer Simpson:* [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! 
[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]

*Homer Simpson:* Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.

*Marge Simpson:* Well, duh.


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## Lil Sebastian

Dental Plan!


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## mrneonshuffle

Lisa: "Dad, what are you doing down there?"
Homer: "Washing my fat guy hat honey!"


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## Ckg2011

*Bart - *Eat my shorts.


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## anonymid




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## intheshadows

Moe - Everybod's going to family restaurants these days. Seems no one wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.


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## intheshadows

Homer- Listen you drain-clogging, last-cookie eating, collect-call getting sponge. I want you out of my house.


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## Xenos

Lisa: _"Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?

_ Homer: _"Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot."_ ​


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## christacat

You can't win friends with salad 

You kids knock it off! Mama’s watchin’ her stories!

So.. do you like stuff?

Are you saying "Boo", or "Boo-urns"?


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## christacat

*http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/* Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!

love that one


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## intheshadows

_Lionel Hutz_: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. 
_Marge_: Is that bad? 
_Lionel Hutz_: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. 
_Marge_: You did? 
_Lionel Hutz_: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."


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## OutOfControlPanel

n/a


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## Wall of Red

Mr Burns: "Smithers I'm going to need most of your skin".


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## anonymid




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## anonymid

"We've tried nothin', and we're all out of ideas!"

-- Ned's beatnik parents


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## donnyB

Oh, my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!-Homer Simpson, "Treehouse of Horror VII"


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## Luka92

Flanders wakes up, gasping. ''I...I think I hate Homer Simpson.'' Homer wakes up, gasping. ''Marge...I think I hate Ted Koppel! No, wait, I find him informative and witty. 'Night.''


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## intheshadows

Otto - Man, that is flagrant false advertising! (Walking out of Stoner's Pot Palace)


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## anonymid

"If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town!"


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## MaxPower

anonymid said:


>











The best line EVER was cut out!

Homer: Marrrrrge.
Marge: Yes, Homie. _Doo doo DooDLE doo._


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## Dash9

Haha love this this thread!

Alien: I bring you love. 
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away! 
Carl: Break its legs. 
[everyone starts to advance on the alien] 
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien. 
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state] 
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love. 
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it! 
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns! 
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!


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## anonymid

"Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir."


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## JayDontCareEh

*Lisa*: "Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar..."

*Bart*: "Good old bluey"


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## BoBooBoo

*Homer*: "My ears are burning."
*Lisa*: "Ah dad, we weren't talking about you."
*Homer*: "No I mean it. My ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a q-tip."

and

*Homer*: "Aw Marge, every time I learn something new it pushed something old out of my head. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?"
*Marge*: "That's because you were drunk!"

**the quotes may not be exactly right, I typed them from memory.


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## coeur_brise

_Chief Wiggum_: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder. 
_Homer Simpson_: D'OH! 
_Chief Wiggum_: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say dough. 
or was it d'oh I'm not sure.


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## parzen

Sea Captain: Arr, matey. Nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.

Sailor: Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir?

Sea Captain: Aye, the hot pants.


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## BarryLyndon

Pray.For.Mojo


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## Solomon's Tomb




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## whattothink




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## intheshadows

Mr. Simpson? We all have nosebleeds.
Mr. Simpson? Gary spilled his ear medicine.


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## parzen




----------



## FireIsTheCleanser

*Marge*: There's just something about flying a kite at night that seems so unwholesome.
*Bart*: *creepy voice* Hello mother dear.

*Lisa*: Bart, what are you doing up here?
*Bart*: Uh... not smoking reefer.
*Jazz Musician*: Uh that's right, we all not smoking reefer.

*Jameson*: That's sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
*Worker*: This is a poetry journal.
*Jameson*: Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?


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## anonymid

"Excuse me, I'm John Smith!"
"John Smith 1882?"
"My Mistake!"


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## Awkto Awktavious




----------



## JoeyJoeJoeJrShabadoo

Homer: “Lisa, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”


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## intheshadows

Homer - Ah. My new watering hole.. 
Guy - *points a shotgun* whaddya want?? 
Homer - A beer? 
Guy - All right.. 
Homer - Can I have a clean glass? 
Guy - Grrrr! *wipes it* Here you go, your majesty!


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## Awkto Awktavious

Also: "Buy me Bonestorm, or go to hell!"


----------



## Awkto Awktavious




----------



## rdrr

"Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent"


----------



## ImSorry

fave quote and fave episode.


----------



## scooby




----------



## coeur_brise

Homer: "Here's﻿ the angel,
see the angel
it's my angel,
no-one else's, 

next to the rakes!"


----------



## jakeblack7

Homer (to himself): "I'll bet this place sells illegal fireworks. Just go in and act natural like you buy them all the time"
Homer (to store owner): "Let me have one of those porno magazines...large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper...a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas...nah, make it two."

Later when Marge sees Homer's purchases
Marge: Gee. I don't know what you have planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out.


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## Jay-Son

Ralph:............ So the doctor said my nose wouldn't bleed so much if I kept my finger out of there.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I saw an episode of Matlock in a bar last night. The sound was down, but I think I got the gist of it.

[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much] 
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story. 
Homer: So, do you think I have a case? 
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history. 
Homer: Wooho


----------



## Awkto Awktavious

Hutz: Mr Mayor, is it true that you rigged the election?
Bob: No, I did not.
Hutz:...(turns to Bart and Lisa) Kids, help!


----------



## anonymid




----------



## JamesM2

*Lisa: *She called me a PC thug! 
*Homer:* Oooh I've been called a greasy thug too... and it never stops hurting.

*Homer: *It'll be great to see the old gang again, Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
*Marge:* That was 'Happy Days'.
*Homer:* No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.


----------



## Zeppelin

"Hey Kurt, it's me, Marvin....Marvin Cobain, You know that new sound that you were looking for" -Marvin Cobain

It's from my favorite episode, That 90s show, where Homer has a grunge band and they parody Glycerine by Bush.


----------



## Donnie in the Dark

"It was the best of times....... it was the_ blurst_ of times??!!! You stupid monkey!"

That was always hilarious for me.


----------



## anonymid




----------



## Tink76

*Haha what a great thread*

Homer: "But that was just an idle promise!"

Homer: "I think Bart should learn about sex the same way I did"
Marge: "Oh, REALLY?"
(flashback) Homer: "Zookeeper! Zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other!"
(flashback) Zookeeper: "They're having sex."

Homer (waiting for ads before a film to finish): "I'm laughing, but it's a laugh of impatience! START THE MOVIE! START THE MOVIE!"


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## Awkto Awktavious

Hello Mother. Hello Father. I've missed you during my uneventful absence.


----------



## JayDontCareEh

.


----------



## noscreenname

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm
going to clown college! [leaves]

Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

-

DENTAL PLAN LISA NEEDS BRACES DENTAL PLAN LISA NEEDS BRACES DENTAL PLAN LISA NEEDS BRACES

-

Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?

Marge: You just answered your own question with that commode mouth.

-

Also one of the best Simpsons quotes ever for political and religious threads:

Later, a full-force Bear Patrol is on watch. Homer watches proudly.

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a 
charm.
Lisa: That's spacious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, dear.
Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?
[Homer thinks of this, then pulls out some money]
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
[Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange]


----------



## TheSeeker

*This probably has already been posted. I don't know how long this will be up before the copyright Nazis take it down.*


----------



## DenizenOfDespair

lol this quote always made me laugh
"Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The National Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!- Kent Brockman


----------



## Awkto Awktavious

DenizenOfDespair said:


> lol this quote always made me laugh
> "Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The National Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!- Kent Brockman


But first, let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow!

Well Kent, as of now the death count is zero, but it is ready to shoot right up


----------



## coeur_brise

*Brad Goodman*: Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother.*
Principal Skinner*: Okay, I'll try.*
Goodman*: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.*
Skinner*: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed - angry! I'm a grown man now! _[bellows] And I can you my own life!! [punches, gnarls breast of dummy]_*
Goodman*: Shh! Calm down, calm down. Oh, moving. You can sit down now.*
Skinner*: _[sits next to mother]_ We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?

Principle Skinner: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game of it.
Bart: What kind of game?
Principle Skinner: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour, then try to break that record.
Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
Principle Skinner: Yes, well... Get started.

_Chief Wiggum_: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder. 
_Homer Simpson_: D'OH! 
_Chief Wiggum_: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".


----------



## Awkto Awktavious

Starting to get hot here; need to turn on the air conditioner, Homer Simpson style:


----------



## Fever Dream

Go ahead. Throw your vote away!


----------



## Fever Dream

This is papa bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect driving a.... car of some sort.


----------

