# Is It Wrong To Break Up With A Guy Because He Won't Make a Move?



## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Okay SA peoples, I am at a crossroads and I'd like to know what you all think.

My current boyfriend and I were friends for 7 years before we got together. I liked him on and off practically the whole time but now here is my problem.

He is not very affectionate. He doesn't think to hold my hand or put an arm around me or anything like that. I've talked to him about this and his behavior improves for a while but then it goes back to nothing.

Here is another thing. He is afraid to try anything past a goodnight kiss. We've been officially together for almost 3 months now and he hasn't even tried to make out with me! I am his first girlfriend so maybe that has something to do with it. I also suspect he has undiagnosed SA. I dunno, it just strikes me as strange. I've been the _"first girlfriend"_ of a few dudes and none of them have EVER moved this slow. A couple of weeks ago I tried to "initiate" and kiss him harder than normal...even rubbing my hands on his legs a bit. He didn't recciprocate....it was like...he didn't know where to put his hands or something. I dunno...I just thought in these sorts of situations, hormones take over y'know?

So back to my dilemna. People think its HORRIBLE if a guy breaks up with a girl because she won't give him sex. But is it equally horrible if it's the other way around?

I'm not talking about sex specifically but I need affection! And passion! I told him multiple times that I NEED this in a relationship...ESPECIALLY from him because without it, it feels like how we used to be for so long...just friends. It sucks because aside from his lack of sex drive/affection, his personality is mega awesome. But dangit, I have needs! I really don't want to break up as I still have feelings for him but I can't stand being perpetually unhappy and I don't think he should change his ways for me because he HAS to.._(and he has expressed previously that he felt like he HAD to)_ .he should do it because he WANTS to y'know?

Y'know, the other day we were at the movies and when we went to go sit down, he PUT THE ARM REST DOWN between us. I could feel my eyes starting to water as I sat there...I felt like that was a total friend thing to do...to put a barrier up to protect your personal bubble. Why would he do that?!?!

I dunno...what do you think?


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## BobbyByThePound (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you should break up with him. If this guy is putting the arm rest down between y'all and if he can't figure out what to do when you kiss him and start rubbin on him like that, then you're missing out. You can't be expected to stay with someone like that. Your boyfriend should be giving you intimacy and affection. You're not expecting him to be in the mood 24/7 or anything crazy. He's not doing what your boyfriend is supposed to do.

I'd feel sad for him but could you really see yourself staying with him? If you don't break up with him now, I figure you'll prolly break up with him later.

Anyways, the bottom line is you're not wrong for thinking about breaking up with him. It's what just about anyone in your situation would do. And I'm sure you care about him and I'm sure you'll prolly feel guilty if you break up with him but if you don't do it now, you'll just break up with him later. Unless you can really see yourself having a future with this guy, I think you should go ahead and end this.


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## To22 (Apr 6, 2012)

Couldn't you just kiss him and hold his hand by initiating it yourself? If you haven't done it why would you expect more from him?

I don't condone his barrier but at the same time him not being bold enough to make a move is insignificant. Especially considering it isn't his burden but a share between the both of you.

Will he be like this forever? I highly doubt it. I'd be awkward if after you broke up with him he became bold enough to initiate shortly after with another girl.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

That is very unusual. Do you think he might be gay? Sexually abused in the past?

You could just try being even more forward. Try to take his pants off and see how he reacts. Or put one of his hands up your shirt. Or ask to take a shower together.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Have you discussed the issue with him?


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

komorikun said:


> You could just try being even more forward. Try to take his pants off and see how he reacts. Or put one of his hands up your shirt. Or ask to take a shower together.


Ah the me being more forward thing. I have thought about this but then I think, if this was the other way around and I was the guy, people would cry RAPE for me pushing unwanted affection. Does me being a Girl somehow make this null and void?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

hobo10 said:


> Ah the me being more forward thing. I have thought about this but then I think, if this was the other way around and I was the guy, people would cry RAPE for me pushing unwanted affection. Does me being a Girl somehow make this null and void?


Yes, it does make it null and void, but it doesn't matter because your boyfriend is gay.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

srschirm said:


> Have you discussed the issue with him?


I have. Pretty much every time he will express that he is not very affectionate but he will try. And he does try but still... I want passion too!


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

i dunno, not everyone is affectionate in the same way. maybe he does stuff for you or gives you time or says things or gives you stuff and you're just not seeing it because you're focused on this one expectation you have.

i think it would help if you tell him what you want and how you feel when you want stuff rather than just a general 'i want more affection' and then leaving it up to him. did you tell him about the arm rest thing?

have you asked him why he acts this way? how does he feel about it? does he want to have sex? is he anxious? self conscious? does he want to be more affectionate? i think you have to talk about it more.

if you're gonna just go ahead and do stuff, don't expect anything from him. try to be more curious than judgmental.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

rymo said:


> Yes, it does make it null and void, but it doesn't matter because your boyfriend is gay.





rymo said:


> Yes, it does make it null and void, but it doesn't matter because your boyfriend is gay.


Actually I think if anything he's more asexual.

But basically what you are saying is if a guy pushes for sex from a girl and shes unwilling it's almost like sexual harassment but if a girl pushes for it from an unwilling guy, it's somehow okay? That's what makes me feel bad. Essentially I'd be dumping him because he won't have sex with me.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

hobo10 said:


> Actually I think if anything he's more asexual.
> 
> But basically what you are saying is if a guy pushes for sex from a girl and shes unwilling it's almost like sexual harassment but if a girl pushes for it from an unwilling guy, it's somehow okay? That's what makes me feel bad. Essentially I'd be dumping him because he won't have sex with me.


Why does that make you feel bad? That's a perfectly legitimate reason. If you aren't sexually compatible with someone then that's a big need that's not being met. I agree that maybe you should give it one more shot - really try to figure out what's going on with him and WHY he isn't more affectionate. But if that doesn't change things I see no reason why you should continue to be in an unsatisfactory relationship.


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

if it's something that's important to you and you're not getting it from him and you've tried talking to him about it and working through it to no avail, you have every right to break up with him. if you are unhappy, that's as legitimate a reason as any to break up. you can't get too caught up in whether other people would think it was "wrong" or whatever...you are the one who has to live with the relationship day to day, and your feelings about it are more important than some third party's judgment.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think it's "terrible" if a man or a woman breaks up with their SO because he/she doesn't want to have sex. To some people sex is an essential part of a relationship, so if he's not giving you at least something/not compromising, it's not worth it. As long as you're not pressuring the other person or giving them an ultimatum, it's not heartless. You have to think about yourself/your needs, too.

He's told you already that he's not affectionate, you wrote that he doesn't even try to initiate sex/sexual contact with you and that you want passion... obviously you both want different things. Break it up. He might be getting annoyed by your constant questions, and you're getting annoyed by the lack of sexual activity; no one seems to be winning here.


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## Koolio (Feb 25, 2012)

If you've spoken to him about it, and even given off signs about trying to move forward, and he still won't reciprocate then you should dump him. You have needs, and it seems keeping up this relationship will only bring hardships for you and your boyfriend.


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## Monroee (Aug 26, 2009)

hobo10 said:


> But basically what you are saying is if a guy pushes for sex from a girl and shes unwilling it's almost like sexual harassment but if a girl pushes for it from an unwilling guy, it's somehow okay? That's what makes me feel bad. Essentially I'd be dumping him because he won't have sex with me.


But this is a bit different than how you're comparing it. Some guys push their girlfriends for sex because they want sex. So yeah, that could be harassment. But in your situation, you aren't pushing sex for sex, you are wanting affection and bonding. Those are two drastically different scenarios so a comparison isn't appropriate.

If a guy was pushing for sex for the same reasons you are, I wouldn't call it sexual harassment either. I really don't think it's necessary to make gender comparisons here. Let's just talk about your personal situation.

Honestly, if I was in your situation, I would consider breaking it off. Talking about it in depth first would be the ideal option. Try to really get answers from him. How does he feel about kissing, hand-holding, sex etc. What are his real feelings about these acts. If it seems as though he simply won't ever change, then he's not compatible with you because you need affection and that is totally normal.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

From a personal standpoint, it would be hard being with someone who wasn't affectionate. I hate to say this, but you may have to cut your losses if he is totally passionless.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

hobo10 said:


> Ah the me being more forward thing. I have thought about this but then I think, if this was the other way around and I was the guy, people would cry RAPE for me pushing unwanted affection. Does me being a Girl somehow make this null and void?


No it is not sexual harassment/rape either way. That's what guys (and what I did too) do when they want to have sex with you. Kissing and petting for a while and then they try to get the pants off. Now if he pushes your hand away when you try to get the pants off then I would give up.

So you had sex with your previous boyfriends?


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

Meh, I would've put the armrest down, too. Where else am I gonna put my drink?


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Peter Attis said:


> Meh, I would've put the armrest down, too. Where else am I gonna put my drink?


>.< bwaaah...alas we didn't get drinks!


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

hobo10 said:


> >.< bwaaah...alas we didn't get drinks!


So he's cheap AND unaffectionate? That might be a red flag.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Peter Attis said:


> So he's cheap AND unaffectionate? That might be a red flag.


Ha ha! No. I think movie food is hella expensive, I don't believe in it. We ate afterward.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

andy1984 said:


> i dunno, not everyone is affectionate in the same way. maybe he does stuff for you or gives you time or says things or gives you stuff and you're just not seeing it because you're focused on this one expectation you have.


That is true. I think he's one of those people who show their love by doing nice things and while I do that too, I also like to show my love physically...and not in a way where I have to be the dominant one if that makes sense.



andy1984 said:


> i think it would help if you tell him what you want and how you feel when you want stuff rather than just a general 'i want more affection' and then leaving it up to him. did you tell him about the arm rest thing?


See, that's the thing, i did that already. I told him that I need affection from him...that it's pretty much the only thing that separates friends from people in a relationship. Well, I think so anyway. I didn't tell him about the arm rest thing because...well...I dunno, it seems like a dumb thing for me to be upset over y'know? And yet...I am.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Theologic said:


> Couldn't you just kiss him and hold his hand by initiating it yourself? If you haven't done it why would you expect more from him?


I have tried initiating. When I first tried to _"fix things,"_ I made a conscious effort in me making the moves to kind of show him what I like. But alas, he does not reciprocate! I've asked him why he doesn't and everytime, he says something like _"I think about **insert display of affection here** but every time I do I get nervous." _Who still gets nervous after 3 months? Part of me says I should be more forgiving because I am his first girlfriend and he has no experience before me.

He's also used the excuse _"I've just never been a very affectionate guy."_


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## MaxPower (May 1, 2012)

You're not wrong, he is not playing the part of the boyfriend at all and it doesn't sound like his even trying. I would suggest having another talk with him, go in to detail, use examples, etc (don't just say affectionate) if things doesn't improve consider ending it as you are not asking for a whole lot.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

andy1984 said:


> have you asked him why he acts this way? how does he feel about it? does he want to have sex? is he anxious? self conscious? does he want to be more affectionate? i think you have to talk about it more.
> .


I have asked him this on numerous occasions. As far as simple affection, 
the first time he said he was nervous. After the initial first time, he said he just didn't think to do it as he's not really an affectionate person. When I asked him specifically about sex, he told me that I was stereotyping guys and that not everyone was like that.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

By the way, thanks everyone who posts on here, whether or not I actually respond to your posts, I appreciate each and every opinion. Keep em coming!


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Jab your tongue down his throat and kiss his neck. Then keep escalating from there. Corrupt that innocent boy.


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## JoeW (May 20, 2012)

You seem very reasonable. You like him and you want it to work, but it isn't working. Hard to say when it is time to move on. If it is time, don't feel guilty about it. You did what you could. Find a guy who makes you happy.


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## merryk (Dec 25, 2008)

Have either of you brought up dropping the relationship thing and trying to resume the great friendship you apparently enjoyed for seven years? Sounds like you two may be much more compatible as friends than lovers...?

I _really_ like when a bf shares a sense of affection.


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

I would 100% break up with anyone who put the armrest down. I get that some people have personal bubbles and all, but it's really important that I be let in to my significant other's bubble once in a while.

Just me, though.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

merryk said:


> Have either of you brought up dropping the relationship thing and trying to resume the great friendship you apparently enjoyed for seven years? Sounds like you two may be much more compatible as friends than lovers...
> 
> I wouldn't want to be with a bf who doesn't share a sense of affection.


I'm thinking of bring it up next time I see him _(tomorrow)_...idk though. I know any sane person would say it's time for me to move on if I'm so unhappy but another part of me really wants to make this work because aside from the lack of physicality...he's amazing...we have similar interests and always have something to talk about. URGGGGH!


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

pita said:


> I would 100% break up with anyone who put the armrest down. I get that some people have personal bubbles and all, but it's really important that I be let in to my significant other's bubble once in a while.
> 
> Just me, though.


I'm thinking of bringing up the armrest issue but I don't know how to do it without sounding like a crazy person.
_
"Why did you put the armrest down between us last week at the movies?"_

How do I lead up to that? It sounds crazy by itself.


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## merryk (Dec 25, 2008)

hobo10 said:


> I'm thinking of bring it up next time I see him _(tomorrow)_...idk though. I know any sane person would say it's time for me to move on if I'm so unhappy but another part of me really wants to make this work because aside from the lack of physicality...he's amazing...we have similar interests and always have something to talk about. URGGGGH!


What's wrong with being awesome friends, like you had been all along? What changed three months ago to make it a relationship? Lack of physicality seems to be a big deal for both of you, for opposite reasons. That's a hard thing to compromise on without someone becoming resentful and it ending badly.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I can understand your feeling of frustration if a guy does not make a move. He is just shy or he respects you and doesn't want to rush into anything. Just give him a little bit more time. Maybe he just needs to adjust being comfortable around you.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Paloma M said:


> I can understand your feeling of frustration if a guy does not make a move. He is just shy or he respects you and doesn't want to rush into anything. Just give him a little bit more time. Maybe he just needs to adjust being comfortable around you.


See, that's what I've been telling myself the whole time. What confuses me is that I never needed to_ "adjust"_ to being comfortable around him. It just kind of felt natural to me since I had liked him on/off for that entire 7 year span. According to him, he has had feelings for me that past 5 years. I would think that if you have such feelings for someone, you wouldn't really need to "adjust" because you WANT to be affectionate with them...idk does that make sense?

Thanks for a different opinion though. It's always interesting to hear other perspectives.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

hobo10 said:


> When I asked him specifically about sex, he told me that I was stereotyping guys and that not everyone was like that.


Did you tell him that _you_ are like that, that it's something that you do want?


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

hobo10 said:


> See, that's what I've been telling myself the whole time. What confuses me is that I never needed to_ "adjust"_ to being comfortable around him. It just kind of felt natural to me since I had liked him on/off for that entire 7 year span. According to him, he has had feelings for me that past 5 years. I would think that if you have such feelings for someone, you wouldn't really need to "adjust" because you WANT to be affectionate with them...idk does that make sense?
> 
> Thanks for a different opinion though. It's always interesting to hear other perspectives.


We all get nervous around someone we like. Especially if we like them a lot. Good for you that you are comfortable around him. I wish I could be like that around guys I like.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

meeps said:


> Did you tell him that _you_ are like that, that it's something that you do want?


I did tell him that. He said he'd try. And he does for a bit but it always seems awkward and forced_ (which in some sense I guess it is)_

I guess that's a red flag?


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

Paloma M said:


> We all get nervous around someone we like. Especially if we like them a lot. Good for you that you are comfortable around him. I wish I could be like that around guys I like.


He's said that he's not an affectionate person and "not like that" in regards to the sex drive, so at this point I don't think it's just nerves that he will get over if you give him time, he's seems asexual. They've known eachother for 7 years and have been dating for three months, he should be comfortable with holding hands at least by this point.

Like others have said, I think it's better not to stay with someone who is sexually-incompatible with you. It's a perfectly valid reason to break up. Talking to him about it, very directly and honestly like you have here, is a good idea.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

merryk said:


> What's wrong with being awesome friends, like you had been all along? What changed three months ago to make it a relationship? Lack of physicality seems to be a big deal for both of you, for opposite reasons. That's a hard thing to compromise on without someone becoming resentful and it ending badly.


Oh my gosh, the story behind it is so long...but basically he had tried to become more than friends with me 2 times now after confessing his feelings back in the beginning of January 2011. Each time fizzled out because of his lack of affection. It felt like we were still just friends. This third time I FINALLY said something and made it clear that I needed it and he seemed to be getting good about it which is why we officially got together 3 months ago. I thought things would improve with time but alas, they have not.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

I know you've already read some of my thoughts on this situation, but I just wanted to add that a couple things you mention in this new thread sound a bit more like he's asexual, or at least disinterested in some of the physical contact you want. It's either that, or he's so mortally terrified that it's never going to change. If you started making out with him and grabbing his legs and nothing happened, I just don't see how the situation is ever going to improve. That effort on your part plus numerous talks with him over a period of months is about all you can reasonably do, and far more than most would have been willing to try, for which you should feel good. (I like the fact that you didn't stew in silence without making any moves yourself because "it's the man's job" -- you basically tried everything that a guy could before he'd be seen as forcing himself). Though it might be painful for you both in the short term, I say it's definitely time to move on -- and this coming from a guy who's sort of been in his shoes before.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

anomalous said:


> I know you've already read some of my thoughts on this situation, but I just wanted to add that a couple things you mention in this new thread sound a bit more like he's asexual, or at least disinterested in some of the physical contact you want. It's either that, or he's so mortally terrified that it's never going to change. If you started making out with him and grabbing his legs and nothing happened, I just don't see how the situation is ever going to improve. That effort on your part plus numerous talks with him over a period of months is about all you can reasonably do, and far more than most would have been willing to try, for which you should feel good. (I like the fact that you didn't stew in silence without making any moves yourself because "it's the man's job" -- you basically tried everything that a guy could before he'd be seen as forcing himself). Though it might be painful for you both in the short term, I say it's definitely time to move on -- and this coming from a guy who's sort of been in his shoes before.


Thanks anomalous. Our back and forth PMs a couple of weeks ago were very insightful...thank you for urging me to initiate. Even though my attempts haven't done much, at least I tried and I probably would not have done so without your insight and encouragement.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

hobo10 said:


> I'm thinking of bringing up the armrest issue but I don't know how to do it without sounding like a crazy person.
> _
> "Why did you put the armrest down between us last week at the movies?"_
> 
> How do I lead up to that? It sounds crazy by itself.


don't ask him why - i assume he wanted to rest his arm? either he didn't know what you wanted (not a mind reader) or it would have been to expensive for him to do what he thought you wanted (too much anxiety). find out which it is.

solutions could be telling him what you what when you want it, and also you could work through the anxiety with him or ask him if he'd see a therapist or look at some self help books with him. i'm sure there are books about this.

i think you'd be happier if you could see some way forward and had a more complete understanding of whats going on. its not really that healthy to need to change someone in a relationship. focus on yourself, your communication, how you deal with your own emotions.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I've been on both sides of this. On his side was when I was new to relationships. It didn't matter how long I was with someone, I never relaxed enough when together and was like a statue. I couldn't talk either. There's no way I could've made a move to hold hands. Mostly nothing happened and it was like physically being with a friend but because we were labelled as dating the discomfort was off the scale. Labels are a burden.

On the other side, in my previous relationship I'd constantly get physically rejected. I'd be promised affection then rejected. It's hurtful. I had to end it. If someone can't be intimate with you through communicating their side (such as what the heck's going on in their head), there is no relationship. If they keep upsetting you it's not your fault. It's healthier to not be with them because it's hurtful when they keep rejecting you in that way and they can't explain why, stressful and you might start thinking you're undesirable.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

I know what it's like to be uncomfortable with someone new in a situation like this (I have SA, hello). Though I'm ok with say progressing things to at least second base rather quickly and depending on my comfort level, third base maybe (I'm more comfortable being the one that is giving rather than receiving with someone new. If I'm nervous, that sort of thing might not give me any actual physical pleasure. I've got equipment inconsistencies down there and sought help from my physician. But I still have to wait for my physical results, including my testosterone levels. The physician believes it's likely a psychological issue). Going "all the way" can produce a lot of anxiety for me with someone new/fairly new.

Your boyfriend seems to be a more extreme case (though I can understand being nervous about kissing a girl and such.) Though it's worth exploring whether he might be asexual or homosexual (most likely asexual). Rather than it being an anxiety/comfort issue.


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## Bird (Jun 6, 2012)

I used to be in a situation like this, as the male. I can't speak for him, but in my case it was anxiety. I liked and respected the girl I was dating so much that i was afraid of making a move at the wrong time or messing up in some other way. I was also self conscious about how i may perform sexually. I felt like a complete idiot after a failed conversation with somebody I dont know, or will ever see again. Taking that into consideration I couldnt imagine how i would feel after an awkward "intimate" situation with somebody I really cared about. For that reason, I avoided those situations, let alone initiatiating them. I suggest asking him if he's afraid of not meeting any expectations he feels you may have, if so, talk about it. That should help him feel more comfortable with engaging in the more physical aspects of your relationship.


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## Grimsey (Apr 21, 2012)

What's the alternative? Is there another guy waiting in the wings? If he's nervous about it, the best thing is to tell him that it's not important. He's much more likely to initiate if the pressure is off.

But I guess the popular approach nowadays is to communicate nothing and break things off at the first sign of trouble. I dunno.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Grimsey said:


> What's the alternative? Is there another guy waiting in the wings? If he's nervous about it, the best thing is to tell him that it's not important. He's much more likely to initiate if the pressure is off.
> 
> But I guess the popular approach nowadays is to communicate nothing and break things off at the first sign of trouble. I dunno.


No, there's no other dude in the wings. Actually, I think from the moment I brought up this whole issue the first time, the pressure has always been "on" for him.

I think telling him that "it's not important" would be a lie, because to me it IS important.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Okay your last chance with this guy could be to sit down with him and have a* really DEEP conversation* with him about how you feel. Make sure you state that you are *not going to judge him or laugh at him* for whatever he says. That there is nothing he can say that would make you see him as a loser or that you would hate him. Tell him you really trust him and he should really trust in you. Tell him how much you care about him and stuff, what you would like to see with each other happen in the near future, and how bad you would feel without him in your life. Then tell him what you need, use really *non judgmental language and calm tone*.

Immediately *apologize *for anything that seems to offend him or hurt him. Tell him that you hate hurting him and you wouldn't ever want to do that and see him sad. Tell him that you are starting to feel really sad over this issue. Give him *examples *of what is bothering you. Use simple *analogies *of stuff that he can easily relate to to explain your situation and your feelings and how you are effected.

Then ask him to *stop hurting you*, then give him a *suggestion *of what you would like to see happen. Then *offer to help him* all the way. Then *follow through* with your promise. *Tell him you love him* after and that you have not changed how you see him at all.

Do a little *consoling *related to topics you said that he is still hurt or sad over, and *give him some reassurance* that it is going to be alright. *Compliment *him some more, and *end on a positive note*. Ending on a positive note is really important so when you give him time to think about this, this memory is not filed in his brain under the folder of bad experiences or situations, which would give him that negative bias before even fulling considering everything you have said and requested. Then finally *let each other sleep on it *(what just happened).

Good luck miss! I hope you find what it is that you are looking for! =)


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Dr House said:


> Okay your last chance with this guy could be to sit down with him and have a* really DEEP conversation* with him about how you feel. Make sure you state that you are *not going to judge him or laugh at him* for whatever he says. That there is nothing he can say that would make you see him as a loser or that you would hate him. Tell him you really trust him and he should really trust in you. Tell him how much you care about him and stuff, what you would like to see with each other happen in the near future, and how bad you would feel without him in your life. Then tell him what you need, use really *non judgmental language and calm tone*.
> 
> Immediately *apologize *for anything that seems to offend him or hurt him. Tell him that you hate hurting him and you wouldn't ever want to do that and see him sad. Tell him that you are starting to feel really sad over this issue. Give him *examples *of what is bothering you. Use simple *analogies *of stuff that he can easily relate to to explain your situation and your feelings and how you are effected.
> 
> ...


I really like this advice. You seem like a great guy.


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## googleamiable (Jun 5, 2009)

this thread kind of highlights alot of sad aspects of the human character


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## BKrakow (Jul 8, 2010)

michael1 said:


> this thread kind of highlights alot of sad aspects of the human character


why is that?


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

I think the OP is sweet for trying to genuinely figure things out. A lot of good advice I've seen too.


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## jonmorris73 (May 24, 2012)

.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

jonmorris73 said:


> I think the key here is _that you were friends for *seven years* before._
> Why weren't you anything more than that before now?
> It could be a few things.
> He's not into you physically but doesn't know how to deal with it because you are his friend and he doesn't want to hurt you (or risk screwing up the friendship).
> ...


Good post.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

You don't need our permission to break up with him. That decision is yours and yours alone. Please don't let SAS shame you into staying in an unhappy relationship. This is not the 1950s.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

michael1 said:


> this thread kind of highlights alot of sad aspects of the human character


How so?


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## thing (May 17, 2012)

Maybe he is autistic?


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

srschirm said:


> I really like this advice. You seem like a great guy.


I think I was high when I wrote this.


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## Xtraneous (Oct 18, 2011)

Nope.


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## MoniqueS (Feb 21, 2011)

It is not terrible of you! You have the right to want those things in a relationship and I think you have already done the right thing by speaking to him about it. But I think ultimately he might just not be a good fit for you, because it doesn't sound like he is ever going to be capable of giving you the kind of affection you want. Now it is a little difficult if he struggles with SA, because he might just be nervous and might need time to really get comfortable with you, specially after beings friends for so long first, he might feel be nervous about the transition. But it sounds like you have already been more than patient and it just doesn't seem to be improving. 

And I agree with you on that is isn't the same if he is just trying to be more affectionate just to appease you. It sounds like, and much like me, you need to be someone who just naturally wants to show you affection. 

And you deserve to find someone who can do that for you. When the relationship stresses you out more then it brings you happiness, it just defeats the whole purpose.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

He's probably scared of taking things to the next level. That's how I would be. I tend to think only guys want these things, and that women merely tolerate them rather than craving them as well. I would be afraid of moving too fast and being thought of as a pervert or rapist or something.

As for breaking up with him, only you can make the decision. I'd just flat out tell him that, dammit, you're his girlfriend and you're not going to resist if he tries to make out with you and do more intimate thing, and that if he keeps being cold you just can't continue the relationship :stu

I'd just lay the cards right out there on the table.

Edit:


> *When I asked him specifically about sex, he told me that I was stereotyping guys and that not everyone was like that.*


Whoa! Now it makes sense: he's probably been so shamed about his sexuality that he suppresses it. He probably thinks that a mature relationship has to be totally emotional, nothing physical, and that he's being selfish and disrespecting you or objectifying you by wanting to be physical, so he just suppresses it.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Your needs aren't being met. He doesn't sound all that into it either. Breaking up seems like the right thing to do. It's sad about the friendship though. :/


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## lkkxm (Apr 11, 2012)

Ugh, I'm afraid to become this guy. Sucks for him. But it's understandable I guess why you would want to.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

lkkxm said:


> Ugh, I'm afraid to become this guy.


Me too. I see myself either as the clingy type or the ice-cold type. I can't imagine anything in between.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

Does he ever talk about or show interest in sex? I would say that he might be asexual, but kissing and holding hands shouldn't be a part of that. Maybe he is gay? I think you should just confront him on it, and bluntly ask him why he won't be intimate.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

It sounds like he is not interested in you. There is no issue with breaking up with him, then.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Hey everyone. OP here.

So I broke up with him on Sunday. I told him that I was too emotionally needy for him. It kind of is true. I need affection and touching and loving in a relationship to feel emotionally close to someone who should be my boyfriend and I felt like he was only doing what little of it to make me happy...not because he himself enjoyed doing so. He took the break up well...he said that he knew all along that this lack of affection bothered me _(I'd brought it up so many times)_. I think because we weren't dating for that long and have been friends for quite some time _(and also because he wasn't being very boyfriendly with me anyway)_...the transition back to a regular friendship is going to be very smooth sailing.

He's comming over later tonight to help me with some homework. I'm 100% positive it will be just as if nothing ever happened between us...because in some sense...it almost felt like nothing DID happen.

But thank you EVERYONE for your advice and insight.


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## hobo10 (Apr 28, 2009)

Witan said:


> I tend to think only guys want these things, and that women merely tolerate them rather than craving them as well.


You are mistaken my friend. I know that everyone is different but in general, woman get horny and have desires too. It's just...society doesn't say it's okay for females to feel this way.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

If you broke up with him and it's going well, it was probably for the best. Most likely he has some issues going on (not that that should prevent someone from being dating material, but in this case it did). Since you're not officially "dating", do you think you might want to ask him if he needs anyone to talk to more in depth about any problems he has, and be available for him as a friend to help him work through it? Do you get the feeling that he would have been like this with any woman, or is it just the fact that you were friends that may have been causing him to be hesitant?

You never said how old he is, but if he's well over the "normal" age for dating and sex for the first time, he probably isn't used to the invasion of personal space. [On the other hand, if you're just student-age, you might need to chill on judging him too much, because you're still just kids.] I know for myself and probably most of the guys on this forum, the wall that we feel exists between us and others would be hard to break through. We might very much want to do it, but it's hard to actually invade someone's personal space, even when they want you to, because we're also not used to our personal space being invaded.


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## lkkxm (Apr 11, 2012)

Witan said:


> He's probably scared of taking things to the next level. That's how I would be. * I tend to think only guys want these things, and that women merely tolerate them rather than craving them as well. I would be afraid of moving too fast and being thought of as a pervert or rapist or something.*
> 
> Edit:
> *Whoa! Now it makes sense: he's probably been so shamed about his sexuality that he suppresses it.* He probably thinks that a mature relationship has to be totally emotional, nothing physical, and that he's being selfish and disrespecting you or objectifying you by wanting to be physical, so he just suppresses it.


I think this is spot-on. I've been alone so long I tend to think that too. That, and "Why would *ANYONE* want *ME* to touch them?" Maybe that's his problem. However, I kind of think he would have gotten over it by now, especially since you've talked to him about it directly. I would certainly get over it fast if my girlfriend told me it was what she wanted, so.... ?



Witan said:


> Me too. I see myself either as the clingy type or the ice-cold type. I can't imagine anything in between.


Yup. I think I start off ice-cold and shift directly into clingy after a certain point. And then I wish I was still ice-cold at that point because I start to feel creepy about being clingy LOL


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## ryobi (Jan 13, 2009)

Witan said:


> Whoa! Now it makes sense: he's probably been so *shamed about his sexuality* *that he suppresses it*. He probably thinks that a mature relationship has to be totally emotional, nothing physical, and that he's being selfish and disrespecting you or *objectifying* you by wanting to be physical, so he just suppresses it.


I agree. This thread demonstrates that sometimes shaming is not only bad for men, but it's bad for their female partners as well...


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

ryobi said:


> I agree. This thread demonstrates that sometimes shaming is not only bad for men, but it's bad for their female partners as well...


And for women who are shamed if they express that they have sexual feelings.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

ryobi said:


> I agree. This thread demonstrates that sometimes shaming is not only bad for men, but it's bad for their female partners as well...


Ain't that the truth. I'm probably one of the worst about this. I was not only brought up by fairly conservative parents, but also very shy and awkward ones as well. From a young age sex was associated with shame and embarrassment explicitly and (moreso) implicitly.

Now I'm an adult and have completely broken away from my parents' worldview, but that sense of shame and embarrassment cannot be shaken simply be the acknowledgement of its illogic. Partially as a result, I once found myself in a situation eerily similar to OP's now-ex. (At the time, I *honestly* was unsure whether girls in general had much raw desire for sex beyond the psychological/ego aspect; I've at least changed my thinking on that topic since then!) Granted, my issues are a jumbled mess that combines both this underlying parental-instilled shame with insecurities about my appearance.

I think more women than men are shamed about their sexuality, but at the same time, women also tend not to require as much sexual aggression/assertiveness to have their sexual needs met. When you're a man so insecure about sex that you blush at the very mention of it as an adult, good luck initiating with a woman, nevermind pulling her hair in bed and taking on the oft-desired dominant role...


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