# How I learned that I deserve nothing at all



## One Eighty (Apr 25, 2012)

Since this is my first post I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself first.

I'm 20 years old male and at the moment I study English at college (BTW English is not my native language, so please feel free to correct any of my mistakes). I've been lurking on this forum for quite some time, probably since my high-school graduation but never actually felt any need to join because it seemed to me that everything has already been discussed. 
Now it is almost a year since my first visit and I finally feel like I have something to contribute with.

I would like to share with you my experience over the last year and how I ultimately got on the right track and changed the way I have been thinking for all these years to the point that my old self is a history. 
Please keep in mind that I absolutely don't want to lecture anybody I just merely hope that somebody could learn from my own mistakes and perhaps apply the same strategies as I did to overcome them.

*I was a weak scared ******
It's funny how easy it is now to admit it but it wasn't always like this. You know for most of my life social anxiety was the last thing I would diagnose myself with although looking back now it is very clear to see how it all started. 
My problem was that for some reason I often preferred to play it safe. Why bother playing football when I wasn't good at it, why bother risking rejection when I could wait for a girl to make the first move, why bother going out with people I wasn't sure I would like - you get what I mean.

This behavior was pretty innocent and consequences free when I was younger but as years passed it started to accumulate. And without even realizing how it all happened s**t just got all serious. World around me changed and I stayed pretty much the same. 
At that time I was no longer able to cope with it all by myself so I turned to pot. Of course that just made things 1000x worse. I became extremely asocial to the point that I would prefer my own company in my room to a group of close friends - after all pot just made everything sooo great [sarcasm detected]. 
Because of this I lost touch with my friends and basically became anxious, depressed mess. 
This was the first time when I admitted to myself that something is wrong with me. Then it didn't take much longer for me to diagnose myself with social anxiety.

I realized very quickly that major contributor to my condition was in fact the marijuana - so I decided to quit and for the first time in my life I could clearly see myself for who I really was and it wasn't a pretty sight.

This was a summer of 2011 and my lowest point ever. I was having a problems going shopping, getting my hair cut was a nightmare, drive-true was a gate to hell and I even had suicidal thoughts (it was actually funny when I caught myself having them - I was like "whoouu am I actually thinking what I think I'm thinking?")

*So how come I'm the mess I used to be anymore? *
Because I now understand that I got exactly what I deserved and that it is entirely up to me to get what I want.

For all these years I avoided going after things I would really like in life and even had the audacity to think that I deserved the same as other people. I knew that going after them would be hard. I knew that I would fail many times before I would succeed and I wasn't willing to do that.

I had this idea that life should be all fun and games but it never actually occurred to me the opposite is true. Life isn't by default nice and pretty life is hard as f**k and ONLY through conscious effort is one able to get what he wants to be and be happy.

Sure we may have the disadvantage that we are not by nature as outgoing as other people are and yes, it plays major role in todays extroverted society BUT SO WHAT?! Does it mean that we are doomed to a life full of loneliness and despair? Of course not! It just means that we need to make that extra effort.

Do you know the saying that the most mediocre athletes who had to work the hardest to get really good are the best coaches? The same thing is true for us. We have to work really hard to get where we want to be, we have to overcome many difficult obstacles and endure so much pain that others have no idea but when we get there it is absolutely worth all the effort.

But there is one harsh truth I had yet to overcome. I had to admit to myself that I was in fact a weak, skinny-fat looser, who hasn't accomplished anything meaningful and who got exactly what he deserved for his inability to act sooner. This was the key factor that enabled me to buckle up and commit every cell in my body to changing myself.

And I did:
http://img690.imageshack.us/img690/6258/bodysmall.jpg

I hated being skinny-fat weakling because I actually never felt like one. I always thought of myself as somebody who could protect his girlfriend or kick the door open but the reality was completely different. So I started doing StrongLifts (later StartingStrength) and step by step transformed my body to correspond with the mental image of myself. I am still nowhere near my goal but day after day I'm getting there.

Once I started to see results in one area applying the same methods elsewhere was piece of cake. I now expect myself to suck when I do something for the first time and I'm prepare to take the hits and keep moving forward until I get good at it. 
Just try to remember the first time you masturbated - I don't know about you but I can remember that it was horrible!  I actually thought that I broke my little weewee. But as we all should know practice and persistence is what makes the perfect.

And so, just to share my latest accomplishment, I've recently started tutoring English and I can proudly say that contrary to a terrible first lesson I'm now actually quite good at it. I even started to give a conversation lessons to a 20 years old girl in her apartment&#8230; just us two&#8230; alone&#8230; in a same room&#8230; with a girl&#8230; madness.
And yes I was terribly nervous for the first time but I survived (as you always do) and I'm sure that the next time it's gonna be much better.






Well&#8230; that's about it I guess. If you made it to the end and would like to thank you and I hope that you can take at least something from my experience. 
Since I finally made an account I will make sure to visit often and I'm looking forward to get to know some of you better


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## One Eighty (Apr 25, 2012)

For some reason the Youtube video isn't working, so here is a link to it:


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## Cileroot (Mar 6, 2012)

It sure was *one inspirational read* you wrote there, bro!

And I think* I can even remotely relate*. I had the issue of being moderately fat, kind of like those stereotypical gamer guys (I was a gamer also, a big one), you know, who are not exactly overweight and fat, but still out of proportion. I started jogging and did some lifting and *am now also in a fantastic physical shape* considering competing in a half marathon.

And I also understand and have also noticed that because of that, the *other aspects of my life started to change* - gaming didn't seem to be so "awesome" anymore and I thought that, to have some value, I should have some actual skills so I started to play the piano. I started learning extra languages and all that. *Though it did not cure me*, it was 2 years ago when it all started, and it gave me the happiest time in my life, but now I see, that *those actions never actually had me to take part of normal social situations.* All I do now more is that I have the confidence to go to jogging competition (as I know I'm going to be good enough), play the piano in front of my whole school (as I know they know I learn on my own and therefore am "allowed" to fail) or speak in front of the class in a foreign language (as I am better than most others).

However having a *conversation about "simple" things, the small talk* or social interactions of that sort still remain distant from me. Though, maybe the reason is, that I found out about my SAD just recently and now I'm working towards improving the latter...every day!

But thank you for this *inspirational post*, I'll keep on trying and congrats


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## march_hare (Jan 18, 2006)

Excellent - thanks for sharing!


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## ufc (Apr 25, 2012)

One Eighty said:


> Since this is my first post I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself first.
> 
> I'm 20 years old male and at the moment I study English at college (BTW English is not my native language, so please feel free to correct any of my mistakes). I've been lurking on this forum for quite some time, probably since my high-school graduation but never actually felt any need to join because it seemed to me that everything has already been discussed.
> Now it is almost a year since my first visit and I finally feel like I have something to contribute with.
> ...


This was a really inspirational story man. WAY TO GO!!


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## TigerRifle1 (Jan 25, 2012)

This is a post that a lot on here should take to heart. Happiness is your responsibility. Though you mentioned you were suicidal. Did you see a doctor? Take meds, go to a therapist?


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## One Eighty (Apr 25, 2012)

I'm really glad that you liked it guys 

*TigerRifle1:* No, neither (not counting Omega-3 and B-complex). I was still far from thinking about actually committing suicide. I just couldn't help but think that I would be better of dead and that only people who would be my close family. You know, even when I was in my lowest point I wouldn't be able to harm myself knowing how much pain it would cause to them.


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