# I feel used by a girl at work...



## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

A couple of months ago, a new girl called Jill, got a job in the same office where I work. There are four of us there, similar age, I am the only guy.

Jill is charming, outgoing, confident. The rest of the coworkers are not any of these things. Jill is also nice to everyone, smart, educated, cute, always happy. She seemed at that time like the perfect girl. When Jill came on-board, she started joking with me and being especially nice to me. A coworker even got jealous. I realized that I've never felt attracted to a girl as much as I do to Jill, but Jill has a boyfriend which she did not mention at all.

Over the next couple of months Jill continued this behaviour. Once she said about me: "He's trying to protect me, ohh, how sweet.". Last Monday she said: "That thing we joked about last week. it happened to me. I was thinking about you." There are many instances of this "leading on" behaviour.

Jill also likes to laugh about things so she is constantly looking for things to laugh about. She very often "goes to me" for these things. In the meantime she started mentioning her boyfriend WHILE continuing her charming behaviour towards me.

I've never been close to a girl and in many situations I thought that she and I have a special connection, but in reality she is just an emotional vulture. I want to continue recovering from SAD and AvPD without her charming me and attracting me(but not really meaning it). I feel bad every time I think of her and I want her to leave. Unfortunately, that is impossible.

Thanks for reading.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

This may look stupid, but it took a lot of retrospective to realize what was going on and why I was feeling bad for the last couple of months.


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## Reed Richards (Sep 23, 2014)

Ive been in the same postition several times, one girl I worked with dumped all her problems on me she was also a fellow anxiety sufferer so we hit it off quite well she then stopped talking to me cos her boyfriend got jealous. it was hard for to understand why she treated me like this but the main thing to remember is that people are complicated and many people have different layers, she seems to be able to get something from you she isnt getting anywere else and she seems to get a kick out of it. if i was you I would interacting with you and make her work hard for your friendship or whatever she wants from you.


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## baxter2014 (Nov 15, 2014)

Orvel said:


> In the meantime she started mentioning her boyfriend WHILE continuing her charming behaviour towards me.


Sounds like she likes to flirt.

She's probably thinking you might be taking it the wrong way though since she has now mentioned the boyfriend. She's also basically telling you shes of limits it a romantic way, dare I mention the friend zone?

It sucks but there's not much you can do until she breaks up with the boyfriend at which point you could try and form a relationship with her.

I'd be using the experiences with this woman to help you with your interactions with other women.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Reed Richards said:


> she seems to be able to get something from you she isnt getting anywere else and she seems to get a kick out of it. if i was you I would interacting with you and make her work hard for your friendship or whatever she wants from you.


Thanks for not telling me that I am "imagining things".

Yes, I've realized what it might be. She is not a terribly popular girl. Some of her friends are from high school, but most are probably from college. Where I live, people tend to be always close with elementary school friends, because they are the only ones around and available in our town or any of the nearby towns. She said that she is staying at home for new years eve and that her friends are in the city. This has to be an insecurity, she _was_ sad on 31. December and she's never sad.

My guess is that when she came she felt really attracted to me and showed me that she is attracted to me. I responded to this, but her attraction faded. Now, I still keep displaying some of the before behavior and she keeps doing these things just so that she can get the "I am charmed by you" behavior from me. And as an anxious guy, this is probably easy to get from me. She probably thinks there is no harm in this or maybe even doesn't realize that she is playing with me.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

This sounds a bit similar to a situation I have at work. A few desks way from me works a 27 year old female (turns 28 the day before I turn 30) who I know is single. I'll openly admit that I find her moderately attractive and over the past eighteen months she's lost a fair amount of weight. I've known her ever since I started working there just over four years ago and have got to know her reasonably well. From what it appears, like me, she seems to have never had a long term relationship before - although unlike me, it seems she's had a couple of very brief ones.

There will be weeks where she'll happily joke and chat to me, giving lots of eye contact. I've never, ever come across any other woman within a few years of my own age to do this with me before. Never. She isn't 'coming on' to me as such, but seems to be a little 'over nice' at times if you understand where I'm coming from. 

However then there will be a week or more where she'll turn incredibly cold towards me, will hardly say a word and will be personally insulting in a tounge-in-cheek fashion, almost as if she knows she's got a bit too close and that's her way of stepping back. It always seems to come around after we seem to be getting on quite well.

I'm lost with her. Sometimes it appears she likes me and then there are times where it looks as if I'm causing her more annoyance than just about anyone else on the face of the planet. Is there something going on in her mind towards me or am I tricking myself with my complete lack of experience in my own mind? You tell me... I'm genuinely confused.

There's a high chance that this 'thing' (if it is that...) is merely a fragment of my imagination. After all, I've never once had a girlfriend so I know my ability to 'read the signs' are no doubt far short of the mark. We've even had occasions where we've been alone in the office, but she remains completely silent and carries on with her work. Surely if she likes me, she would have dropped some hint at least... :?

Ask her myself? You must be joking. I don’t have the guts and the fear of rejection is just too high. Imagine trying to continue on working close to her after that? No thanks. Besides, her complicated moods make me kind-of glad I’m not involved with her in that kind of way... We don't share a whole lot in common either.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

baxter2014 said:


> Sounds like she likes to flirt.
> 
> She's probably thinking you might be taking it the wrong way though since she has now mentioned the boyfriend. She's also basically telling you shes of limits it a romantic way, dare I mention the friend zone?
> 
> ...


Well the question is, should I continue to do this with her... try to flirt or just step away showing I have no interest in games.

If I do the first option, I will become boring and when the time comes (if it even comes) that she is single. It wont be possible to be together because I've already shown her all my cards and she wont be interested.

The second option on the other hand says "when you are single, we can talk".

My heart says second option because I like her very much, but my brain says that I don't have experience with these things so I need to practice, even if it's just playing. There is also the question whether or not I am going to learn something, because it is not serious.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Hayman said:


> This sounds a bit similar to a situation I have at work. A few desks way from me works a 27 year old female (turns 28 the day before I turn 30) who I know is single. I'll openly admit that I find her moderately attractive and over the past eighteen months she's lost a fair amount of weight. I've known her ever since I started working there just over four years ago and have got to know her reasonably well. From what it appears, like me, she seems to have never had a long term relationship before - although unlike me, it seems she's had a couple of very brief ones.
> 
> There will be weeks where she'll happily joke and chat to me, giving lots of eye contact. I've never, ever come across any other woman within a few years of my own age to do this with me before. Never. She isn't 'coming on' to me as such, but seems to be a little 'over nice' at times if you understand where I'm coming from.
> 
> ...


Your coworker is probably attracted to you, but once she realizes she got too close she probably has an anxiety. Observe if her behavior changes after the weekend. The weekend gives her time to think about what is going on.

This is just my guess.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

There is also one more thing I did to encourage her behavior. When people are nice to me (and I am sure they are not faking it) I am nice to them. When she makes a joke that isn't that funny she smiles and looks at me and I smile at her. This probably gives her additional satisfaction. At first I probably did it because I didn't want to seem rude, but then I started looking at her and liking her.


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## baxter2014 (Nov 15, 2014)

Orvel said:


> Well the question is, should I continue to do this with her...


Its clearly having some emotional affect on you so if I were in the same situation I would back off. No sense investing anymore emotionally if it isn't going to result in what you want.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

baxter2014 said:


> Its clearly having some emotional affect on you so if I were in the same situation I would back off. No sense investing anymore emotionally if it isn't going to result in what you want.


You are right. I kinda did that today, but now I worry how it looks. Even though she stopped doing that. I feel like she's bored with me. Based on these feelings I realized that I worry too much what people think of me. In this case, what she thinks of me. I also feel bad because she doesn't act all fun around me. I feel the need to act the way she wants me to.


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

You are overthinking things, should i do this or should i do that.
If she is friendly with you be friendly back, you have too many expectations torwards her....
Try to let go off the attachment.

Jill jill jill jill jill jill.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Umpalumpa said:


> You are overthinking things, should i do this or should i do that.
> If she is friendly with you be friendly back, you have too many expectations torwards her....
> Try to let go off the attachment.
> 
> Jill jill jill jill jill jill.


Thanks for reminding me to not overthink things. I forgot to add that to the long list of things I should not do. I also realize that this overthinking causes me anxiety.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Orvel said:


> Thanks for reminding me to not overthink things. I forgot to add that to the long list of things I should not do. I also realize that this overthinking causes me anxiety.


... and now I feel dumb and pathetic. :blank


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

Orvel said:


> ... and now I feel dumb and pathetic. :blank


Why? No need to feel like that.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Umpalumpa said:


> Why? No need to feel like that.


I don't know. I guess it's anxiety about how this all looks like.


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## Stookified666 (Jan 6, 2015)

after reading your thread, i def can relate, I used to put all my eggs in one basket and overanalyze situations with girls. But that ****ed me over and i've learnt that to try to just enjoy her company, and don't get emotionally invested. harder said than done! Its like job interviews, you have to go on many to land one that fits your needs and personality. In short girls can change their minds like their clothes. This doesn't apply to all but just my opinion.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Stookified666 said:


> I used to put all my eggs in one basket and overanalyze situations with girls. But that ****ed me over and i've learnt that to try to just enjoy her company, and don't get emotionally invested. harder said than done!


This is exactly what I realized today.

I also realized that I suck when it comes to social skills, even when I am not anxious, and that this is exactly what has been feeding my anxiety. The awkward looks you get when people feel awkward around you. Only the most confident people feel fine around me.

I am going to practice my voice(I think I sound monotone), getting the habit of making small talk, telling stories, smiling when meeting etc. Also I've been planing on visiting a psychotherapist.


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## chessman6500 (Sep 5, 2013)

EXACTLY the same issue is occurring with me right now and I have no idea who to go to to talk about it or how to handle it. She uses me because she has a bf but he no longer works at my job and she just wants attention. I have begun ignoring her but then sometimes my mind tells me it wants to go over and talk to her. Not happening unless she steps up her behavior, she did briefly break up with her boyfriend but still nothing. I have had this trouble most of my teenage life. I am about to give up looking for a gf but how will I cope totally alone for the rest of my life?


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

I think she likes the attention you're giving her. I also think it's a normal human thing - she's not doing it out of maliciousness. If you were in a relationship and an attractive person liked you or enjoyed talking to you, you would probably appreciate the attention as well. Plus, it could be 100% platonic, sometimes people just want to conversate and joke around. It sucks if you're lonely and alone though, then you start overanalyzing it and it can mess with your head. Just enjoy her company and try not to become attached.


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## shycat69 (Nov 16, 2014)

Orvel said:


> ... and now I feel dumb and pathetic. :blank


Been in your situation ....... so I suggest that you now write this off to experience and get on with life. One day a girl without a boyfriend and looking for a good man like yourself ...... will find you.

Good luck.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

diamondheart89 said:


> I think she likes the attention you're giving her. I also think it's a normal human thing - she's not doing it out of maliciousness. If you were in a relationship and an attractive person liked you or enjoyed talking to you, you would probably appreciate the attention as well. Plus, it could be 100% platonic, sometimes people just want to conversate and joke around. It sucks if you're lonely and alone though, then you start overanalyzing it and it can mess with your head. Just enjoy her company and try not to become attached.


Yesterday she stopped being so nice. Almost everything that was before was gone.

Today I almost completely ignored her. No looks at her when she spoke, no smiles when she made a joke. She noticed this and said to a coworker "Look, Orvel is ignoring us. He looks busy." (laughter). I pretended to not hear this. She then passed by my table and tried the now-over-used joke she did when this all started. It was basically the "I want the attention you gave me before."

And yes you are right. She is not a bad person.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

shycat69 said:


> Been in your situation ....... so I suggest that you now write this off to experience and get on with life. One day a girl without a boyfriend and looking for a good man like yourself ...... will find you.
> 
> Good luck.


Thanks.


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## baxter2014 (Nov 15, 2014)

Orvel said:


> Today I almost completely ignored her. No looks at her when she spoke, no smiles when she made a joke. She noticed this and said to a coworker "Look, Orvel is ignoring us. He looks busy." (laughter). I pretended to not hear this. She then passed by my table and tried the now-over-used joke she did when this all started. It was basically the "I want the attention you gave me before."
> 
> And yes you are right. She is not a bad person.


If this is what you need to do to get over the situation then by all means.

Don't snub her completely though after all she may have single friends you could meet?


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

baxter2014 said:


> If this is what you need to do to get over the situation then by all means.
> 
> Don't snub her completely though after all she may have single friends you could meet?


Perhaps... only if we meet on a night out.

I didn't like the way she treated me yesterday. I even had a dream about it and woke up sad. I guess I still have some emotions involved.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Orvel said:


> Yesterday she stopped being so nice. Almost everything that was before was gone.
> 
> Today I almost completely ignored her. No looks at her when she spoke, no smiles when she made a joke. She noticed this and said to a coworker "Look, Orvel is ignoring us. He looks busy." (laughter). I pretended to not hear this. She then passed by my table and tried the now-over-used joke she did when this all started. It was basically the "I want the attention you gave me before."
> 
> And yes you are right. She is not a bad person.


It sounds like all she has done is be friendly and a little flirtatious towards you. Trying to ignore her or getting mad at her only makes you appear immature.

Socialize with her. Have drinks and go to lunch sometimes. You need people like her to help you understand how to be social.

I don't know why you feel used. It's not like she's borrowing money from you or having you do her work.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

AngelClare said:


> It sounds like all she has done is be friendly and a little flirtatious towards you. Trying to ignore her or getting mad at her only makes you appear immature.
> 
> Socialize with her. Have drinks and go to lunch sometimes. You need people like her to help you understand how to be social.
> 
> I don't know why you feel used. It's not like she's borrowing money from you or having you do her work.


I feel all these things because I got emotionally invested. It's also the reason I was angry. I don't think I was angry at her, I was just angry.


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## baxter2014 (Nov 15, 2014)

Orvel said:


> I feel all these things because I got emotionally invested. It's also the reason I was angry. I don't think I was angry at her, I was just angry.


This is understandable but as suggested there is still much you can learn from her.

Accept the fact that shes taken and engage her as a friend from here out. Use skills you learn from your interactions with her on other women. Heck if you get to know her well enough you could ask her for advice.


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## sajs (Jan 3, 2015)

Ohh, I would ask out the other coworker who got jealous, how sweet !


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

sajs said:


> Ohh, I would ask out the other coworker who got jealous, how sweet !


When I say 'jealous', I mean first ignoring me when I say something to her, this lasted about a week. Then passive aggressive. After that, just intentionally waiting for a chance to make fun of me and hurt me.

She's my sisters friend. Her personality can horrible, she thinks a lot of people hate her for no reason, when in fact it's her horrible attitude and negativity towards people, even if people didn't really do anything wrong.

Also, she didn't take care of herself over the years... she revealed that she is missing half her teeth.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

baxter2014 said:


> This is understandable but as suggested there is still much you can learn from her.
> 
> Accept the fact that shes taken and engage her as a friend from here out. Use skills you learn from your interactions with her on other women. Heck if you get to know her well enough you could ask her for advice.


I understand that. I don't plan on ignoring her.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

Just an update...

On Monday and Tuesday she couldn't(wouldn't?) make eye contact with me. She didn't ignore me completely, she just always turned away when I looked at her. I confronted her about it. She gave her best to show that nothing is happening. That she isn't angry at me and that she does not think I am angry at her, but I still felt she is really uncomfortable around me.

Today I made a BIG MISTAKE. After morning coffee she looked really sad, and then she told me she has a problem with facebook still feeling uncomfortable. I said that she should just show me. I came over to her, and she used her computer to log onto facebook. During all this... I with my whole focus, body language, smile, and eyes showed that I like her. Even when she was looking at the computer screen, she knew I was watching her. IT WAS AMAZING watching her start radiate the bitter sweetness... going from really sad to SKY HIGH happiness and then confidence. For a while I FELT GREAT ABOUT THAT MOMENT, NEVER BETTER, and then I felt it yanked away from me... once I wasn't needed anymore, nothing happened and work went on as always.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT, I AM AN IDIOT. I just made myself feel like **** by doing that.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

I've managed to emotionally distance myself from the situation.

Now I see that the girl isn't as perfect or good looking as I thought and that we aren't so alike as I thought. She just wanted my attention. I think it was just ego boost and possibly "social standing". 

For a couple of days now, she started dressing differently. Now, she wears tighter clothes that make her look hotter. She doesn't show the fact that she can see me looking at her, but I am sure she can see me through peripheral vision. She even gives me these moments where she looks to the side for no reason so that I can look. Once she gave me a chance and I instead of looking continued to look at my screen. She made this movement with her leg and I still didn't look, so she looked at me for a moment and then looked somewhere else and made the leg movement again.

Not sure if I should give her the satisfaction or not.


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## baxter2014 (Nov 15, 2014)

Orvel said:


> Not sure if I should give her the satisfaction or not.


You should ask her out, even knowing she has a boyfriend. This should be a lot easier knowing she has one because the rejection will be expected and you will be able to act cool about it and keep the work friendship going.

If she tells you she has one just cover by saying you thought girls sometimes say that so guys leave them alone at work...(Play dumb).

If she is into you who knows she may drop her boyfriend down the line for you.

This could also be your way in to try and hook up with one of her friends.. She will know your single and you could ask down the line if she has any nice single friends (like her) to hook you up with..


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

The way you're talking about this is really unhealthy and kind of worrying.

Let's back up:

She never implied any sort of overt attraction towards you. You said it yourself: she was nice to everyone. She was being _friendly_, that's how a lot of people act around others. It honestly just sounds like she was trying to be your friend.

It's totally okay that you developed feelings for her, _it's not your fault_. However, you can't now resent her for the fact that you like her, _it's not her fault_.

Think of it this way: she was trying to be friendly towards you, and you've now decided in your head that she's an attention seeking emotional sponge. Even if she was, what's wrong with that? Everyone likes good attention.

It's self entitled and solipsistic. You've gone from loving her, to ignoring her, to resenting her, to pitying her. Because she was nice to you? Learn from this.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

baxter2014 said:


> You should ask her out, even knowing she has a boyfriend. This should be a lot easier knowing she has one because the rejection will be expected and you will be able to act cool about it and keep the work friendship going.
> 
> If she tells you she has one just cover by saying you thought girls sometimes say that so guys leave them alone at work...(Play dumb).
> 
> ...


She definitely has a boyfriend. I even know his name... but it doesn't matter. I realized what was going on.

This girl is a manipulator. She didn't just manipulate me, she manipulated the whole office and kidnapped the conversation. She controls it constantly.

She made it look like she is interested in me and the moment she realized she 'has me', she stopped and now she just 'throws me a bone' from time to time. During all this she made sure it looks like I was going to her and made a coworker jealous.

One day I did something she didn't like(I ignored her joke that she used for about 10th time) so she then used the jealous coworker to ridicule me while I was doing my work. The jealous coworker was just waiting for an opportunity. The next day she continued acting nice to me like nothing happened.

She singled out the older coworker(this coworker was mean to her once) and from time to time she just invites her into a conversation.

When I did something she doesn't like, she constantly led the conversation outside my 'realm' and I was singled out. I am an only guy in the office, so that is not hard to do.

I also noticed she gets upset when she is not the conversation holder. When I talk I often say something smart and interesting, she doesn't have a lot to add to this and gets sad after.

The worst part is....... EVERYONE LOVES HER. Even the singled out coworker, just because she is the one that invites her to the conversation while we are busy focusing on the main conversation with her. The only person that does not like her is my boss (even to the point of yelling at her for stupid reasons), and he is a manipulator himself... which is not surprising at all... a manipulator can recognize an another manipulator.

Add the fact that people with SA are just magnets for people like this... it all makes sense.

Edit: She is too good to be true and her ways of manipulation are really subtle. When I started this thread I was in an emotional mess. I was being toyed with... which wasn't difficult to do, and right from the start I was right. There was something going on... it wasn't all just harmless.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Orvel said:


> When I say 'jealous', I mean first ignoring me when I say something to her, this lasted about a week. Then passive aggressive. After that, just intentionally waiting for a chance to make fun of me and hurt me.
> 
> ...it's her horrible attitude and negativity towards people, even if people didn't really do anything wrong.


Read this again. Do you see the irony?


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

kiirby said:


> Read this again. Do you see the irony?


I was talking about the jealous coworker and I was emotional at that time.

Read the additional comment I made.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Orvel said:


> I was talking about the jealous coworker and I was emotional at that time.
> 
> Read the additional comment I made.


I know you were. But couldn't it easily apply to you?

I couldn't know the whole situation - I'm just going on what you've posted - but it seems like you've invented this narrative of her being this nasty manipulator who crafts every interaction with you as part of a grand scheme to corrupt your mind.

I think you need to consider whether any of this could be a product of your AvPD feeding your own paranoia.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

kiirby said:


> I know you were. But couldn't it easily apply to you?
> 
> I couldn't know the whole situation - I'm just going on what you've posted - but it seems like you've invented this narrative of her being this nasty manipulator who crafts every interaction with you as part of a grand scheme to corrupt your mind.
> 
> I think you need to consider whether any of this could be a product of your AvPD feeding your own paranoia.


It easily could be. I've never heard of AvPD feeding paranoia, gonna check this out.

Also, I don't think she is evil. She is a human being with flaws. From her perspective, these little manipulations are harmless.

On the outside she appears to be flawless... really... she does appear flawless. Confidence, self-esteem, extroverted, she manages her emotions well, she laughs at everything, happy, college educated, smart, likable, above average physically attractive, takes good care of herself, every day different haircut, every day switches clothes, never mean to anyone... I am sure I forgot something. This is exactly like these kind of people always appear to be, but it is a mask.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

kiirby said:


> I know you were. But couldn't it easily apply to you?


Why would it apply to me? People feel that I am a good person, I never make them feel bad, I never say mean things. From what I understand I was always trying to NOT be like my as-hole manipulative father.


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

kiirby said:


> I think you need to consider whether any of this could be a product of your AvPD feeding your own paranoia.


Thanks for saying this. You are right.

I don't really know what to do with myself and this obsession. Every day when my mind wonders off... it goes back to this. I feel like a crazy man. :|


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## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

Stay away from this girl. Nothing good will come of it. Ppl like this are scum. RUN!!!!


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## Orvel (Jan 22, 2014)

CWe said:


> Stay away from this girl. Nothing good will come of it. Ppl like this are scum. RUN!!!!


No. This is my problem. I care about her and because of it, I am being anxious every day at work. This anxiety makes me delusional. Being delusional about anxious situations is a symptom of Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Now that I know that, I have to stop myself from 'inventing a story' and making her an antagonist.

There are days where I feel fine and confident, then during that day(for some reason) my confidence and self-esteem fall and suddenly EVERYTHING STARTS LOOKING HOPELESS. A gentle tease is enough and I already have a feeling they don't respect me and that I am being rediculed. My two coworkers talk without me and I feel bad and left out.

I should thank her for making me realize all this.


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