# Hiding your true feelings for someone you are attracted to



## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

Hello-

Not sure what the reasons are for not wanting a girl or guy you are really interested in to know that you have feelings for them, can someone possibly explain why someone with SA would go out of their way to hide it?

What negative thoughts go through your mind when you think *she may know how you feel* and why not ''show'' her/him you care if you can not verbally express it?

Thanks so much


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Well for one, putting yourself out there, and getting rejected and embarassed. People can be genuinely scared of that. It may happen only once or twice and it can scar someone for life. This can cause a lack of self confidence in yourself to express your true feelings towards another person. This can also leave with someone not wanting to show their feelings for someone who may hurt them.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

Thank you for your response.

I just can't imagine having such a serious crush on someone (to the point where you are driving by their house) but never being able to express it either with words or actions!

So if she finds out, whats the worst thing she can say..no? What if she figures it out by *your behavior* towards her? And don't you care if she feels the same way??? Wouldn't you be dying to know?

Could it be you feel you are losing the power over her..or the situation possibly?

Especially if the person is showing me how they feel, giving off the ''signs'' of interest, giving them attention, being nice to them, doing special things for the person, etc..i'd have to know.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Is this situation happening with you or someone for you? 

If you don't know how to mentally deal with rejection, that 'no' can cause mental anguish. You care what she thinks and you believe in your mind that she feels the same way, but you can't admit to it, and so you don't as to not get emotionally hurt. Truthfully you rather play it safe and not try... unfortunately limiting yourself. It has nothing to do with power, because if you were confident enough to tell the person how you feel you would have the power of confidence to express your emotions.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

This is my story...

What is it when a man is ONLY scared to be around one girl, he can talk to everyone else comfortably in the room/building (including attractive women) talk, laugh, be silly, etc. but when he gets around this ONE girl he becomes, jittery, extremely anxious, can't look at her (unless its from across a room which he always does) and looks completely frightened and looks like he has *tunnel vision when i get close to him physically*. Deer in head lights type of thing!

But yet he will make sure he is in the office or cafeteria at lunch time when i am in there (we work at a school we are both adults) he won't eat or order food..he just stands acrosss the room directly in front of me (feet away) talking to whomever walks by but looking at me the entire time until i am done or he can't do it anymore.

But yet he always stares when i walk away (i have been told he checks me out when i walk) i can feel his eyes on me when i walk by him...or if he sees me talking to someone else he always stares.

I also caught him *looking at me intensely through a window once..like he was in a trance or something* when i was in the parking lot with a parent talking and when i looked up and saw him..he literally jumped and practically ran away!!!!!!!LOL!!!!! This has gone on for a very long time..its as if he wants something but then just can't bring himself to get it.

He has even been *caught driving by my house (by me) as well,* in my car pulling out of my driveway 3 weeks ago--and was mortified when we got back to work on Monday. I DID say hello to him bcuz he wouldn't even look at me the next morning when we were back at work after i caught him doing the drive-by! I wanted him to know that i was ok with it and that he didn't have to worry.

I also want to add he has had issues in the past with eating in front of me, wearing his glasses--this i has improved greatly though and when i have asked him in the past if he's feeling ok (bcuz i do care about him a lot) he'll always say he is ''perfectly fine'' BUT will make sure *the very next day* he shows me how ''ok'' he really is..laughing with coworkers, joking around..loudly, right in front of me as to say..look at me I'M FINE!!!!

Bcuz i do care and i am interested i have even baked cookies for him-twice, givin him Christmas & Valentines cards, also gave him my email address and cell phone number--which he never uses..but in both instances seemed happy to have them?!? I don't know what to think???

He does do the ''hiding'' voident thing with me sometimes but then makes sure he comes around to say ''hello'' to me and initiate some kind of interaction that way later in the day or sometimes the next day *ESPECIALLY IF I GET DISTANT WITH HIM* he will make sure he plants himself somewhere he knows i will be to say ''good morning'' or ''hello'' its a roller coaster ride and i just don't know anymore what to do!!!

I could see if he did this with other women but he doesn't. I have worked with him for years and i have never seen hum act like this with any other coworker before!!! He actually seems very calm and at ease with everyone else--even the *really attractive school teachers* in the building--so why me?I'm just a Preschool teacher.

He's maentenance/custodial by the way and i run the Daycare.

What do you think? Thank you for reading.


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## SilentOutcast (Oct 26, 2010)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> This is my story...
> 
> What is it when a man is ONLY scared to be around one girl, he can talk to everyone else comfortably in the room/building (including attractive women) talk, laugh, be silly, etc. but when he gets around this ONE girl he becomes, jittery, extremely anxious, can't look at her (unless its from across a room which he always does) and looks completely frightened and looks like he has *tunnel vision when i get close to him physically*. Deer in head lights type of thing!
> 
> ...


I think he might feel something like this when he see's you.


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

There's a woman I had a crush on for a long time. I'll never show or tell about how I feel about her. There's the point that she has a boyfriend, but even if she didn't, I still wouldn't reveal my feelings. I tried to think about others, move on, but I can't get her out of my head. When I close my eyes, all I see is her face. 

I dunno, in some way, I think she feels the same way about me. Sometimes we catch each other looking at each other. Even when I try, there's are moments I can't resist staring at her. However, I'd like to believe I'm just imagining things because she has a boyfriend after all. That's why it's so frustrating I can't move on, I only want her. 

But in your case, why don't you go up to him and tell him how you feel if you noticed? Baking cookies and cards isn't enough for a signal!


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## ReluctantRecluse (Oct 26, 2010)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> I just can't imagine having such a serious crush on someone (to the point where you are driving by their house) but never being able to express it either with words or actions!
> 
> So if she finds out, whats the worst thing she can say..no? What if she figures it out by *your behavior* towards her? And don't you care if she feels the same way??? Wouldn't you be dying to know?


The worst thing that she could say? I've lost a lot of friends to this actually, I grow attached and if I do summon the courage to say I have feelings, their response is "I don't think I can be your friend anymore".

Some people can't stand to think a friend would want them as more than a friend. So what's worst than rejection? I suppose losing a friend. It does occasionally happen, perhaps its even happened to this person you mentioned and he's afraid if he told you how he felt you'd just avoid him for having heard him say it.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

No its not that..we are not friendly in that way..he is too anxious, self conscious and very nervous around me to ever be my friend. I wish we could, i've tried..his fear is too paralyzing.

I know its not about losing my friendship..he does like my attention though. 

If i get frusrtrated with him (the situation can get very frustrating at times) and start to become distant..he will notice immediatley when my behavior changes in the slightest towrds him and come around me even more, say hello first, hang out where ever i am so not to lose that ''connection'' or my attention.


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## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

This is one of the worst things about SA (or just plain shyness). 

I was working at a place a few years ago and had actually gotten pretty comfortable there. I wasn't dating people or flirting or anything. I was just relatively comfortable with the people and surroundings. One day, one of my friends just tells me one of the girls that works there likes me. I was really pretty surprised because I had no clue.

I didn't know how to respond to that so I just didn't. And then later, I got to wondering how much she liked me. You know? I mean was it just a little? Did she put him up to telling me that to see what my reaction would be? Did she like me a lot? Would she be hurt that I didn't respond?

So anyway, that lead to a lot of awkward moments at work. Here was this nice girl that I probably would have chosen for myself if I'd been bold enough to do it but I'd never really noticed her because I knew it was useless and all of the females I worked with were just my coworkers (That was how I managed to deal with them without getting really nervous). Once I started thinking about her and the possibilities, I was a complete fool around her. I tried to just behave normally but I'm sure the change in my behavior was perceptible. And of course, I really would have preferred to have never known in the end.

And then I got to wondering if maybe she was just as shy as I was and what she was thinking. Or maybe she just thought I was an idiot.


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## Twisted Muffin (Mar 18, 2010)

I hate rejection. And my self esteem also isn't the best, so I'm convinced that if I let out even the smallest indication that I like somebody then they will end up making fun of me and rejecting me. And if they are the first to confess, I end up saying no because I keep thinking "What if he doesn't mean it" or "what if he get over it soon?" There is also the constant nagging thought " There are so many pretty girls out there, why would he choose me?" So, in order to avoid future pain that comes with relationships, I avoid the situation altogether. Then I continue in my cycle of self hatred for letting the chance pass me by.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

But don't you see it gets you NO WHERE and you are still in pain. alone and unhappy?

How is this better then taking a chance


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## Twisted Muffin (Mar 18, 2010)

^It's not, but this is how I always react.


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## Kon (Oct 21, 2010)

Twisted Muffin said:


> I hate rejection. And my self esteem also isn't the best, so I'm convinced that if I let out even the smallest indication that I like somebody then they will end up making fun of me and rejecting me.


I know you heard this milions of times but I think there is some truth to the statement that it's better to try, fail and even be rejected than to not try at all. And many times you will be surprised that you won't be rejected. That's been my experience, anyway. Most people are like this to some extent, except people with SAD tend to be a lot more sensitive to rejection, I think.


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## Bosonfield (Nov 29, 2010)

Anything that could go right can also go wrong. He has no control over his fear, unfortunately. For me, the reason why I hide ANY sort of signals and just act like I'm not there and just stare into the blank abyss, frozen, is so I wouldn't have to get in contact, because if I did, there would be a chance that I messed something up, and the said person would immediately write my mistake on this tiny list in their head, never to be forgiven, just added to my image of unacceptable imperfection, for an eternity, flawed and irrepairable.

To phrase it normally, I'm afraid of making mistakes because I think people would label me based on them, and even if they had found me attractive before, I'm certain they would not after that. So it's just easier not to make any mistakes at all. Not to have any chances of making mistakes.

..that's my reason anyways. Usually it's similar - if they did any move based on these emotions, they would just be rejected and your current supposed kindness would go away and he would lose you. Who would want THAT to happen?

So yes, it is quite certain that he is -interested- in you, but he doesn't know what to do about it. And really, you are at the same workplace - it's highly possible that he might not want to start an "affair" with someone at work.

Oh, and one more thing: Just because YOU think those -other- teachers are attractive, does not mean that HE doesn't find YOU attractive.  I've seen so many people whom other people found attractive! I always like the one they don't. So, you may never know.

..edit, and another thing: He might be happy to have your contact info, but he doesn't know what to send you, he doesn't know what to say or write. So he just has it but can't really use it for anything. That's how it would go for me, I got numbers before that I didn't know what to use for.


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> But don't you see it gets you NO WHERE and you are still in pain. alone and unhappy?
> 
> How is this better then taking a chance


thats SAD in a nutshell


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## Bosonfield (Nov 29, 2010)

Kennnie said:


> thats SAD in a nutshell


The answer: At least it won't get worse.


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## Timeofallout (Jun 23, 2010)

Rejection sucks :blank

Yep that's about it for me. I think I'd rather live with the pain of not knowing, then live with the pain of knowing I was not good enough for some reason.


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## HeWhoCouldNot (Nov 18, 2010)

Even people without an anxiety disorder get anxious when expressing their feelings; its much harder for people who do.

As for showing how you feel if you can't say it, it's the same problem: even thinking about doing something that would "give it away" causes anxiety. Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of making a mistake; a lot of fears, all of which can be crippling.

If they don't come around you're probably going to need to start the conversation yourself. Not the ideal, but that's just the reality of liking someone with SA: they're going to need your help to be comfortable enough to push through those fears.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

I think he's so paralyzed with fear that the idea of ever emailing or texting me would give him a heart attack. No exxageration there either


Both times i asked him for his info (for work purposes first his email, then cell number) i never said it was for work right away..i just asked him for his email/cell number and he looked at me like he was going to pass out (he looked like he stopped breathing for a bit and then seemed almost relieved when i said i needed his WORK INFO bcuz my Supervisor suggested i have it for emergency purposes..he was fine with that surprisingly. 

He gave it to me immediately..even though he did ask whhhhhhy i wanted it in a funny, nervous way. Bcuz of his reaction i assumed he didn't want me to have it afterall but he did give it to me after i asked (walked down to my classroom to give it to me 5 min later) then the next few days AFTER i got the info from him he seemed oddly happy and in a good mood around me - very difficult to figure out i must say....from relief to happiness?

I actually did email him once at work to pass along info i knew he needed and instead of responding with an email he responded IN PERSON!!!!!!!!!

He was so scared i remember, he had this look on his face like he thought i'd be mad or something? So much fear!!!! I was the one who initiated the email thing......and then months later the texting thing--which was right AFTER he drove down my street (passed my home) when he got caught by me pulling out of my driveway


I don't know. His behaviors are so extreme. I just wish i knew what to do. He is always so intense around me but yet can easily talk/text other people with no issue.



So confusing!!!!!!!!


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## Think2Much (May 2, 2010)

Tried to think of some good advice but couldn't come up with any. A lot of these anxious avoidant behaviors sound very familiar to me in the past. Sounds like he likes you but is afraid of rejection and has a lot of his self-esteem wrapped up in what he perceives as your opinion of him. You certainly deserve a lot of credit for being so understanding.


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## taytumispolar (Dec 27, 2010)

wow, i'm so glad you wrote that bc i feel the same way. i think it's because of modern technology- facebook and myspace- they all tell us we need to have more more more friends. i feel like such a loser too when i tell people i dont actually have friends i regularly hang out with. (we dont live in the same city anymore) 
when i was younger, i'd always fantasize about having these brilliant and witty and beautiful girlfriends that when i went out in a group with them, we'd get admired by all the boys. and if i had a boyfriend, i could introduce my girlfriends to his friends...but nope, i never had anyone to introduce to them that was taken or an uptight *****. (yes, i had uptight ***** friends)


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

When first developing such feelings for others I had no intention of acting on or expressing them. They were too private and it didn't occur to me they may even be shared with others.

Later on I could sometimes reveal signs without intense anxiety that my inner world would be invaded. But it didn't occur to me the other might reciprocate. I had no intentions towards them, I lacked any idea of what dating/relationships meant and didn't even imagine those things. I _knew_ I wasn't socially real like the others so had no expectations, and _knew_ and accepted no one could feel the same about me. My SA also flared up around them and I wanted to hide it.

The feelings are still mostly kept to myself because they're private or not appropriate to share, depending on the situation, but no longer out of embarrassment or anxiety. I still have no intentions concerning becoming closer.


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## skygazer (Dec 26, 2010)

I'd rather be rejected than be lead on and fooled around.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

odd_one_out said:


> When first dveloping such feelings for others I had no intention of acting on or expressing them. They were too private and it didn't occur to me they may even be shared with others.
> 
> Later on I could sometimes reveal signs without intense anxiety that my inner world would be invaded. But it didn't occur to me the other might reciprocate. I had no intentions towards them, I lacked any idea of what dating/relationships meant and didn't even imagine those things. I _knew_ I wasn't socially real like the others so had no expectations, and _knew_ and accepted no one could feel the same about me. My SA also flared up around them and I wanted to hide it.
> 
> The feelings are still mostly kept to myself because they're private or not appropriate to share, depending on the situation, but no longer out of embarrassment or anxiety. I still have no intentions concerning becoming closer.


This sounds so exhausting..isn't it?

Don't you want more? How will this person ever know?

Do you ever fantasize about love, a home, wife, kids, etc.???

This is so sad to me


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

Also...

I just don't get why do all these other things then; like staring from across the room, hanging out where YOU KNOW i'll be for 15-20 min at a time, stare at me through windows, driving by my home, etc. *but too scared to do something* *not-so-secretive* *or distant....be more direct?*

Makes no sense to me at all. That seems more exhausting then being direct and *honest* from the get go!!!!!!

Does he honestly think i don't notice all this?


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## Emanresu (Jun 2, 2010)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> Also...
> 
> I just don't get why do all these other things then; like staring from across the room, hanging out where YOU KNOW i'll be for 15-20 min at a time, stare at me through windows, driving by my home, etc. *but too scared to do something* *not-so-secretive* *or distant....be more direct?*
> 
> ...


Notice what? a stalker?


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## sanntick (Dec 23, 2010)

The only negative feelings can be the fear of denial. "What if she refuses ?" This is what you think at the back of your mind, and cannot express your feelings.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> This sounds so exhausting..isn't it?
> 
> Don't you want more? How will this person ever know?
> 
> ...


Not exhausting. I don't dwell on it and was just outlining the last 20 years and how I've changed.

No I don't want more currently. I'm still not over my last relationship, which ended in June (officially anyway). I was also not referring to a particular person or situation but summing up the last few years.

Yes, I do fantasize about love but have never wanted a family or marriage so it's no great loss to me. If you are sad on my behalf, it's misplaced.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

I'm probably quite different to others so it's easy to make assumptions and fill in the gaps by applying inappropriate heuristics.

Therefore I will explain my 1st post using a list:

- I had a different developmental trajectory to what's considered typical
- This trajectory began with not even realising emotions could be revealed to others, and later involved revealing some of them but not having any imagination or conception about where it might lead. This implies lack of intention towards anyone
- Later on it involved much social anxiety. I still had no clear intentions towards people I liked so didn't fear rejection; I just didn't want them to perceive me as weird and was paralysed by their presence
- These days I am able to reveal such emotions to others I meet but tend not to because it's usually inappropriate (e.g. they're taken or wouldn't suit me) or it's private (e.g. a passing phase that's best kept to myself). I still have no intentions towards anyone I meet because these reasons always apply
- Some initiate dating/relationships with me, so I give it a chance if I like them enough, but they have always been inappropriate in some important way and ended
- If I had deep, stable feelings for someone who was available (e.g. not deceased or taken) and who was suitable (e.g. could live without children) I would now be able to have intentions towards them: after others initiating relationships with me, I no longer have the same imagination blocks or paralysing SA in that area
- I would be cautious but direct


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## Dub16 (Feb 28, 2010)

I had this problem with Resonance, milleniumman and Jimmydeansretardedcousin. After a while I just gave up on them. They'll never love me the way I love them.

Poor Dub.

To the OP, thats a weird situation alright. Not sure what to say. I think the only way is to talk to him directly aboot it. Otherwise its goin nowhere really.

Best of luck!


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I have no choice but to keep it to myself because I can't just randomly interfere in the person's life when they're in a relationship with someone else.


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## InLoveWithaShyGuy (Dec 18, 2010)

But if they are single and reaching out to you or trying to show you they care..then whats the issue for you personally?


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## Space Ghost (Jul 13, 2010)

Negative and pessimistic thoughts.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

Some people have avoidant personalities or are riddled with shame about who they really are. They become immobile with terror at the prospect of exposing themselves in a close relationship.

Others just don't want to stand out as different (e.g. as nervous) and become paralysed monitoring their every word and movement consciously. They become straight-jacketed in such "safety" behaviours and can't see a way out. It can continue for years without change.

There are numerous reasons to explore. Some people lack experience and have no idea how to behave in such areas. Some may put females on a pedestal and not see them as people like themselves. Others have experience but got badly hurt.


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## power2theweak (Jan 2, 2009)

Dub16 said:


> I had this problem with Resonance, milleniumman and Jimmydeansretardedcousin. After a while I just gave up on them. They'll never love me the way I love them.
> 
> Poor Dub.


Awww, poor Dub, indeed! :cry So sad...


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## IccaBNedlog (Oct 12, 2010)

Times I've told someone how I felt, I'd left it far too late. Also, once this has happened I kind of close the door and if someone changed their mind that bridge would be burned.

I think what stops me personally from telling someone how I feel is that I don't really know how to bring the situation up, nor do I even know what to say. I mean, I think I actually have quite good communications skills but they evaporate in these instances. The thought of making a move on the person just seems out of the question, too instense or something - something I don't feel worthy to aspire to or capable of doing. I become timid, cold.


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## shsh (Mar 13, 2013)

I'm going through attraction and anxiety at the moment. I have built myself up for seeing him all week, and then just before I see him in a group setting, I get all these fears. What if he's just going to make fun of me. What if he doesn't like me? What if everybody finds out I like him but he doesn't like me, and they all make fun of me? In that group, I do know they're not like that. But still, it's crippling. I try to get through it when I'm there, and if he stands next to me, I will talk to him. I feel horrible through the whole event. My body just takes over and I can't do anything about it. So instead of being my outgoing self I am with people I know well, I am scared, upset, and generally can't concentrate on anything. 
I think if you like him, you're going to have to be direct with him. Not indirect, like baking cookies, cause he could think you might be doing this out of friendship. You're just going to have to tell him how you feel, and even might have to give him time to process, and ask him out on a date, something not too formal so that he can feel comfortable. If that works, it works. If it doesn't, well, you'll have taken a risk and won't regret it. But this way he doesn't have to keep wondering whether things were done out of friendship or other.


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## Miyu (Mar 10, 2013)

Part of it is fear of rejection ... another part is ... I have this really really extreme intensive fear of relationships (on the other hand, I totally do love romantic dramas and such, I really do) ... I can't imagine ever being with someone (unless I've known them forever?) and I've already experienced a situation, where a guy (my classmate), told me (by a note) ... that he liked me and ... well, I never spoke to him again, I panicked completely.

but really ... I just ... can't imagine it. I don't think I'm cut out for it. happy endings of dramatic stories and true love portrayed in movies/such and I also know few people happily in love ... it sounds awesome, allright, but ... I don't think I'm CAPABLE of managing a relationship (or even dating!) ... and honestly, who would want a girl with as much emotional baggage as I have ...

in a nutshell, i just can't imagine it. it makes me panic, it makes me scared, it makes me anxious.

of course, i think about good parts of it too, but the panic part prevails fairly quickly.

so yep ... had my share of never outspoken crushes.


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## The Sleeping Dragon (Sep 29, 2011)

InLoveWithaShyGuy said:


> What negative thoughts go through your mind when you think *she may know how you feel* and why not ''show'' her/him you care if you can not verbally express it?


"I'm to ugly for her." 
"I'm not smart enough."
"I'm not ambitious enough."
"I'm not interesting enough."

I don't know if it's true for a fact. Actually I'm pretty unaware of how people perceive me. Still the thoughts are always there.


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