# Reality Bites: over 30 and never married and no kids



## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

...the general opinion of this is that those women are not 'worth' marrying or impregnating, if they were would've happened by now. now some people like to play like if you 'just think positive, etc. etc.' but really. go online and look into the dating forums of various sites and you will be astounded to find over and over again how a lot of men put down and avoid women over a certain age never been married and no kids. Been told personally the view is she's:

-- nuts/mentally unstable 

-- self centered/career driven/emotionally unavailable 

-- very poor social skills

-- very unattractive, physically

-- a hermit, boring, etc. 

Sure there's men 30 plus never married & no kiddies here could make a case for themselves, but that isn't what I am talking about at this moment. This is probably not going to make anyone happy: but I bet half (if not more) of women who quality for this group fit into one or more of the above categorizes. I know, I know it's mean to even say that, but reality bites. My question lets say you do fit into these (over 30 never married, no kiddies, etc). what is the woman to do? It seem like she have no option b/c the scarlet letter has already been imprinted upon the chest before she even opens her mouth....thoughts?


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## girlkc78 (Sep 24, 2011)

I have a hard time buying into this. There are always going to be people who don't marry, have no kids, etc. And there's always going to be people who get married and start families later in life. The time clock by age is artificial and you must avoid living your life and basing your hopes on other people's ideas. So yes, I'm taking the "think positive" approach because it works. Start looking for stats and examples of women over 30 who fell in love and got married for the first time and focus your energy on them.


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## girlkc78 (Sep 24, 2011)

PS. I can't find a link, but one of my fave writers, Carolyn Hax, said this to a 30 year old woman depressed over her single/childless status:

"Single? Irrelevant. Staying happily married is a feat, I suppose, but getting married in itself is no accomplishment. Making good decisions, dealing with bad ones, resisting outside pressure, moving at your own speed, overcoming fear, growing up, facing your faults -- these are accomplishments. If they find you married, so be it. If they find you single, so be it. Just as age is no mark of worth, birthdays are no measure of beginnings...Your beginning will be the day you take on your malaise. "Now" has a ring to it, no?"


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

girlkc78 said:


> I have a hard time buying into this. There are always going to be people who don't marry, have no kids, etc. And there's always going to be people who get married and start families later in life. The time clock by age is artificial and you must avoid living your life and basing your hopes on other people's ideas. So yes, I'm taking the "think positive" approach because it works. Start looking for stats and examples of women over 30 who fell in love and got married for the first time and focus your energy on them.


avoid living life based on other people's ideas? isn't that what you're doing? looking up stats for women who fell in love over 30 and happily married, b/c you think that approach sounds better than the other options? LOL. but alright if that works for you so be it.


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## Rest or Real? (Apr 1, 2011)

Retrodoll I'm not female or over thirty but what was the point of this thread if you are simply going to chide on anyone's input?


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

Tenebrous said:


> Retrodoll I'm not female or over thirty but what was the point of this thread if you are simply going to chide on anyone's input?


I don't feel I was chiding on anyone's imput. She said for me to focus on other things and I pointed out we were basically doing the same thing but from different viewpoints. I.e. going off of other people's experiences to come to some determination.


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## girlkc78 (Sep 24, 2011)

_"avoid living life based on other people's ideas? isn't that what you're doing?"_

Maybe, but the ideas that I'm focused on are positive and encouraging. Sure beats wallowing in self-pity and living by society's idea of where I should be by 30.

As Dr. Phil so famously says: "How's that working for you?"


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

girlkc78 said:


> _"avoid living life based on other people's ideas? isn't that what you're doing?"_
> 
> Maybe, but the ideas that I'm focused on are positive and encouraging. Sure beats wallowing in self-pity and living by society's idea of where I should be by 30.
> 
> As Dr. Phil so famously says: "How's that working for you?"


"how's that working for me?" It's not one way or the other. I don't even date. If I was living by society's ideas on where to be by 30, I certainly wouldn't be in the lifestyle I'm living currently, don't cha think? I was asking the question for women on here and how they feel on the matter coming up against these thoughts and ideas that I seen many times over. And as I said before, if you're getting results or w/e from your standpoint, so be it. Good for you.


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## girlkc78 (Sep 24, 2011)

You seem very defensive that I'm not chimming in to say how completely horrible life is after 30 if you're not married or have kids or even a prospect for a date. Sorry to have offended you.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

girlkc78 said:


> You seem very defensive that I'm not chimming in to say how completely horrible life is after 30 if you're not married or have kids or even a prospect for a date. Sorry to have offended you.


IWasn't being defensive on purpose, that's my general nature. At first I thought you were trying to take digs at people that aren't seeing the situation the same, but obviously you were not and I wasn't trying to offend you for no reason. You don't have to input how terrible life is after 30 if you're not married & no kids, if that's not what you experienced. That's why I was asking about the peoples experiences in this situation. I was being serious when I said 'if you are getting results from your approach towards these things, that is good for you.' If that is what you want, and it's working in your favor, I don't seen nothing wrong with that personally.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

girlkc78 said:


> You seem very defensive that I'm not chimming in to say how completely horrible life is after 30 if you're not married or have kids or even a prospect for a date. Sorry to have offended you.


No; you're just being entirely unhelpful is all. You think your "think positive" attitude is so novel, but in reality, it's just an empty cliche based in an un-nuanced, unrealistic and un-useful worldview.

She's over 30 and _wants_ to date. This is clearly the case, or she wouldn't have had any incentive to start this thread in the first place. Therefore, any mention of the fact that some women are content to be single is utterly irrelevant. She's not one of them. This isn't about a woman who's unnecessarily concerned about meeting society's expectations; it's about a woman who's lonely and actually *does* want a companion. At least that's how I see it.

This is the same senseless BS fed daily to single men on this board, and it's no less revolting to see it now being fed to a woman.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

When my perception of the outside world improves, the way I see things changes and I will be more open to relating.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

anomalous said:


> No; you're just being entirely unhelpful is all. You think your "think positive" attitude is so novel, but in reality, it's just an empty cliche based in an un-nuanced, unrealistic and un-useful worldview.
> 
> She's over 30 and _wants_ to date. This is clearly the case, or she wouldn't have had any incentive to start this thread in the first place. Therefore, any mention of the fact that some women are content to be single is utterly irrelevant. She's not one of them. This isn't about a woman who's unnecessarily concerned about meeting society's expectations; it's about a woman who's lonely and actually *does* want a companion. At least that's how I see it.
> 
> This is the same senseless BS fed daily to single men on this board, and it's no less revolting to see it now being fed to a woman.


whoa, whoa! ok. I probably shoulda made this thread clearer. i post the thread to FIND OUT if other women on here coming up against these thoughts/ideas from men and how/if it's affecting them when trying to date? Now, I seen these similar thoughts awhile back when I was 'putting myself out there' and it was very discouraging so that's why I ask.....I don't thik she being unhelpful, just saying how she have chosen to put a positive spin on the situation and is getting results from it. I agree with you that this is complete B.S. far as I'm concerned too, LOL, but hey if she getting results, more power to her! what's wrong with that?? And maybe you got something mixed up here, but i don't date b/c it's a choice. Whether i'm 'happy' or not being single is irrelevant to me anymore, b/c that's the way it is. some people don't ever find someone and aren't meant to, I don't subscribe to the crap mentality that there's 'someone for everyone.' I choose to accept this... hope that is more clear.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

I dont see how a woman is less valuable to a man once she reaches 30. I guess I dont understand it because I dont agree with it. :shrugs:
30 isnt even old, IMO.
What is the woman to do? Start looking for someone whose mind is a little more open, for starters. Not all men have this idea that a woman must be of a young age to be considered a prime canidate for marriage/kids/white picket fence/ect...


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## bourne (Sep 15, 2011)

jsgt said:


> I dont see how a woman is less valuable to a man once she reaches 30. I guess I dont understand it because I dont agree with it. :shrugs:
> 30 isnt even old, IMO.
> *What is the woman to do? Start looking for someone whose mind is a little more open, for starters. Not all men have this idea that a woman must be of a young age to be considered a prime canidate for marriage/kids/white picket fence/ect...*


jsgt pretty much nailed it. Yes a lot of men do think that way (and they're vocal about it) but far from all.


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## texaspenguin (Aug 23, 2011)

Just coming from a guy's perspective, to me, a woman who has never been married and has no kids is generally more attractive than someone who has been married multiple times. This is, of course, generally speaking, as I think that everyone has attractive qualities, and I don't see the need for everyone to fit someone into a mold of sorts. To me though (and please don't flame me for this), someone who has been married a few times by 30 is someone who hasn't been able to make marriage work. I'm 30 myself (31 soon) and never married. To me, marriage is something I only want to do once. If there's someone out there who has had multiple marriages and they didn't work, do I really think they're a prime candidate for marriage with me?

Again, I'm not saying this is a hard rule with me. I will give anyone an opportunity. Sometimes, people married too young or for the wrong reasons. Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes, sadly, even tragedy strikes. I think it's important to have an open mind and not look for that person you think you're supposed to be with as an ideal.

As far as the subject of children goes, it truly doesn't matter to me whether the woman I date has children or not. What is more important to me is how she interacts with children and feels about children, especially considering I have one myself.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

RetroDoll said:


> go online and look into the dating forums of various sites and you will be astounded to find over and over again how a lot of men put down and avoid women over a certain age never been married and no kids.


Keep in mind that the kind of people who post on dating forums are probably shallower and more judgmental than most (seeing as they're shopping for specific criteria and discussing those criteria in these threads), and younger too.



RetroDoll said:


> -- very poor social skills
> 
> -- a hermit, boring, etc.


What's wrong with these? So some guys won't like it, some will. Personally I'd much rather date a boring hermit with poor social skills than a normal person who'd be forcing me into painful social stuff.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

Hoth said:


> Keep in mind that the kind of people who post on dating forums are probably shallower and more judgmental than most (seeing as they're shopping for specific criteria and discussing those criteria in these threads), and younger too.
> 
> What's wrong with these? So some guys won't like it, some will. Personally I'd much rather date a boring hermit with poor social skills than a normal person who'd be forcing me into painful social stuff.


Have you ever been on these dating forums and spoke to people on there? As opposed to just guessing that they are younger and/or shallower? Because I have. First of all they aren't all young 19 or 20 year old men on the dating forums: they are in their late 20s, early/mid 30s, and some even early 40s. If you were to sign up and ask in general what they think of women over 30, never married, no kids, very little dating experience and/or mental health issues and you will get a rude awakening, LOL. You don't even have to sign up! There's already tons of threads existing on such topics. I think a lot of people (here anyway) discount the online dating services yet a lot of people are members of them & claim to be looking for dates on them; but you don't read what the other people who are members are saying? :|.......

I think there's a big difference/gap between the expectations of many of the guys on this forum and the non SA men out there. Maybe you all are more accepting & open to these types of 'traits' I dunno, seems like it because in real everyday life I have not found this to be the case at all. I guess we can write it all of as "some guys will, some guys won't" but from what I seen they mostly fall in the latter category. Which is why I was asking what other women have found to be the case out there.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

RetroDoll said:


> ...the general opinion of this is that those women are not 'worth' marrying or impregnating, if they were would've happened by now. now some people like to play like if you 'just think positive, etc. etc.' but really. go online and look into the dating forums of various sites and you will be astounded to find over and over again how a lot of men put down and avoid women over a certain age never been married and no kids. Been told personally the view is she's:
> 
> -- nuts/mentally unstable
> 
> ...


I am over 30, married and no kids. Now a woman who is past child bearing age can adopt and many do. So now she has changed her status according to these men. A woman can also marry later in life. A woman can not become younger so even if a woman changes 2 out of 3 things, she can still change her "status" in these mens' eyes. I am glad I haven't married or had children until I am ready to have them. Many women who didn't want children have harmed their children physically and emotionally because they resent their children. Not every women wants children so it is better for a woman to not have children then for them to have children and for those children to be abused.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Being single at age 30 is really common in large cities. You're near NYC, so you should know that. And I think having kids or being divorced is a negative in many people's eyes. Now, not having at least one long-term relationship by age 30 is a red flag. There has to be something going on behind that. 

Men generally date women 2-3 years younger than themselves and men have higher death rates, so it can be assumed dating will be more difficult for women with age. On their profiles most men seem to be willing to date women up to 10 years younger than themselves but only 2 years older. The older they get the more strict the upper limit becomes. Dating websites are a little funny, in that people will have all these rules/requirements but then will totally break them. If I send a wink to some guy who says on his profile, he will only date women 29 and under, much of the time I will get a message in response.


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## Kiwong (Aug 6, 2010)

RetroDoll;1059339072
-- nuts/mentally unstable
-- self centered/career driven/emotionally unavailable
-- very poor social skills
-- very unattractive said:


> That sounds like me, I'm a male.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Being single at age 30 is really common in large cities. You're near NYC, so you should know that. And I think having kids or being divorced is a negative in many people's eyes. *Now, not having at least one long-term relationship by age 30 is a red flag. There has to be something going on behind that. *
> 
> Men generally date women 2-3 years younger than themselves and men have higher death rates, so it can be assumed dating will be more difficult for women with age. On their profiles most men seem to be willing to date women up to 10 years younger than themselves but only 2 years men older. The older they get the more strict the upper limit becomes. Dating websites are a little funny, in that people will have all these rules/requirements but then will totally break them. If I send a wink to some guy who says on his profile, he will only date women 29 and under, much of the time I will get a message in response.


I don't live in a large city, just near one. I live in the suburbs of NJ. Also, that's what I am saying it's considered a 'red flag' and I don't know why some people try to pretend like it's not looked at that way. well you will get a response back either way if you have average or above average looks as a woman. majority of the time they will reject you out right if the picture is not appealing, regardless of what the details say. yea that's true usually they are willing to date someone much younger and a lot of people have different rules on there they say they will follow but don't and that's all contingent on how the person looks IMO. If they look good, people will break almost any rule they have on those places and end up saying "well, let me give it a try."


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Once someone is interested in you and past relationships come up, you just have to explain what social anxiety is about. It's not the worst mental illness in the world. I think most people would understand and be willing to move forward if the rest of the your life is going relatively well. I just wouldn't bring it up on the first date.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

You could just lie and say you were married at one time. Your husband died in a plane crash. Actually, he survived the crash into a swamp and pulled 12 people out of the wreckage -even though he had two broken legs- before the plane exploded but he was eaten by alligators. You really have to embellish these stories and make them sound far out to get people to believe them.

People lie ALL THE TIME on dating sites. Guys lie about height and age. I'm always 39. Always will be. I never told anyone I was a 40 yo virgin either. 

Women seem to lie about weight a lot. A few extra pounds usually means 50 pounds overweight. You have to post a full body shot or guys will think you weight 300 pounds.


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## Deadguy (Aug 19, 2011)

RetroDoll said:


> Have you ever been on these dating forums and spoke to people on there? As opposed to just guessing that they are younger and/or shallower? Because I have. First of all they aren't all young 19 or 20 year old men on the dating forums: they are in their late 20s, early/mid 30s, and some even early 40s. If you were to sign up and ask in general what they think of women over 30, never married, no kids, very little dating experience and/or mental health issues and you will get a rude awakening, LOL. You don't even have to sign up! There's already tons of threads existing on such topics. I think a lot of people (here anyway) discount the online dating services yet a lot of people are members of them & claim to be looking for dates on them; but you don't read what the other people who are members are saying? :|.......


Retrodoll,

What exactly is your point? That people on dating sites aren't sensitive to the problems of complete strangers? Most of us, regardless of age and gender, have left dating sites with the same amount of frustration that you are experiencing. What exactly were you expecting to get from going to these sites? Dating sites are just not a great way to meet desirable members of the attractive sex. We could all complain about this fact, or you can do the right thing, and seek out other ways to meet men if you are that unhappy with your current life situation.

If you are unwilling or unable to do this, then you need to accept your place in life and make peace with it. What you are doing now is only going to lead to a life of misery.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

Deadguy said:


> you can do the right thing, and seek out other ways to meet men if you are that unhappy with your current life situation.
> 
> If you are unwilling or unable to do this, then you need to accept your place in life and make peace with it. What you are doing now is only going to lead to a life of misery.


Exactly. I have become a pornosexual. My cat is my companion. It ain't no fairy tale dream , but I get by.


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## pjm1978 (Sep 28, 2009)

Getting back to the original question, what's a woman supposed to do? I'm gonna to say,be patient as opposed to being rash. I have two 30 + women friends that got married just because they felt that they were falling behind on where they were supposed to be at that point in their life. Both marriages were disasters that quickly ended in divorce. Just because you know what you want, doesn't mean you get it right away. As for me, a 32 year old guy, never married and no kids. I don't think positive nor negative. Allowing life to just play out the way its meant to play out seems to work for me.


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## Paulo (Mar 15, 2011)

you would be surprise how many women want a divorced man.



komorikun said:


> Being single at age 30 is really common in large cities. You're near NYC, so you should know that. And I think having kids or being divorced is a negative in many people's eyes. Now, not having at least one long-term relationship by age 30 is a red flag. There has to be something going on behind that.
> 
> Men generally date women 2-3 years younger than themselves and men have higher death rates, so it can be assumed dating will be more difficult for women with age. On their profiles most men seem to be willing to date women up to 10 years younger than themselves but only 2 years older. The older they get the more strict the upper limit becomes. Dating websites are a little funny, in that people will have all these rules/requirements but then will totally break them. If I send a wink to some guy who says on his profile, he will only date women 29 and under, much of the time I will get a message in response.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

komorikun said:


> Once someone is interested in you and past relationships come up, you just have to explain what social anxiety is about. It's not the worst mental illness in the world. I think most people would understand and be willing to move forward if the rest of the your life is going relatively well. I just wouldn't bring it up on the first date.


Guys, we have to get past this "mental illness" label. It is not a mental illness - it is an emotional disorder. We react badly to things around us. Once we learn skills about how to let minor things go, how to let scary thoughts remain just that - a distraction from something we are afraid to face, we can grow as people.

I am finally seeing where my skills are helping me - some people around me are falling apart and, I am thriving. It's weird but being anxious has almost trained me to be bold in times where I need to be.

Sure, I may not be married now, but my stepbrother just got married to a schoolmate and he's almost 38! My cousin got married at 39 and had her first child at 42. There is no way I am giving up.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

Deadguy said:


> Retrodoll,
> 
> *What exactly is your point?* That people on dating sites aren't sensitive to the problems of complete strangers? Most of us, regardless of age and gender, have left dating sites with the same amount of frustration that you are experiencing. What exactly were you expecting to get from going to these sites? Dating sites are just not a great way to meet desirable members of the attractive sex. We could all complain about this fact, *or you can do the right thing, and seek out other ways to meet men if you are that unhappy with your current life situation.*
> 
> If you are unwilling or unable to do this, then *you need to accept your place in life and make peace with it.* What you are doing now is only going to lead to a life of misery.


what you mean what exactly is the point? you read the question you didn't understand it? I don't know any other way to phrase it so it makes more sense to you then. since you say dating site not the best way to meet 'desirable members of the opposite sex' why don't you go ahead to tell all the ladies on here what is the 'correct' way to go about meeting desirable men THEN since you got that all sewn up? you can "accept your place in life and make peace with it," other than that you really can't say one way or other for someone else.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

scarpia said:


> You could just lie and say you were married at one time. Your husband died in a plane crash. Actually, he survived the crash into a swamp and pulled 12 people out of the wreckage -even though he had two broken legs- before the plane exploded but he was eaten by alligators. You really have to embellish these stories and make them sound far out to get people to believe them.
> 
> People lie ALL THE TIME on dating sites. Guys lie about height and age. I'm always 39. Always will be. I never told anyone I was a 40 yo virgin either.
> 
> Women seem to lie about weight a lot. A few extra pounds usually means 50 pounds overweight. You have to post a full body shot or guys will think you weight 300 pounds.


is that what you do and that has all worked out for you? just lie through your teeth then? (I am being serious and want to know if this is what you really do.)


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

I haven't given up and im well into my 30's. Can't really answer the original question since I'm male. Next year I think I will have no option but to join dating sites. I think at this age it becomes almost necessary since the social scene is dominated by 20 somethings. I'm thankful that the technology even exists. I can't imagine it was easier for single 30 something men or women in the past relying on job acquaintances or meeting somebody at a social/sporting clubs. Just as hit and miss, but a lot more time consuming. I really don't have a choice since the woman I am interested in, is not interested in me in that sense, so next year, when I've sorted myself out a bit more ill take a shot at it.


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

RetroDoll said:


> is that what you do and that has all worked out for you? just lie through your teeth then? (I am being serious and want to know if this is what you really do.)


Everybody lies. When men talk to other men they lie and say they have had more sex. When they talk to women they usually do the opposite. They never admit to having sex with hookers.

It's much harder to find someone if you don't have a sense of humor.



Matt J said:


> I haven't given up and im well into my 30's. Can't really answer the original question since I'm male. Next year I think I will have no option but to join dating sites. I think at this age it becomes almost necessary since the social scene is dominated by 20 somethings. I'm thankful that the technology even exists.


Don't be thankful until you've been there. I don't know anyone who has met someone half decent on a dating site.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

scarpia said:


> *Everybody lies.* When men talk to other men they lie and say they have had more sex. When they talk to women they usually do the opposite. They never admit to having sex with hookers.
> 
> *It's much harder to find someone if you don't have a sense of humor.*
> 
> Don't be thankful until you've been there. I don't know anyone who has met someone half decent on a dating site.


I don't see where lying has anything to do with a sense of humor but that's just me. i don't know what was meant by that comment anyways. there are white lies and then there are BIG life changing lies. somebody that doesn't know the difference or think there is a difference is a problem waiting to happen far as I've ever known....


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## scarpia (Nov 23, 2009)

RetroDoll said:


> ...the general opinion of this is that those women are not 'worth' marrying or impregnating, if they were would've happened by now. now some people like to play like if you 'just think positive, etc. etc.' but really. go online and look into the dating forums of various sites and you will be astounded to find over and over again how a lot of men put down and avoid women over a certain age never been married and no kids. Been told personally the view is she's:
> 
> -- nuts/mentally unstable
> 
> ...


In the real world you meet somone and have no idea if they have been married or have kids or have been locked up in a psych hospital or whatever. You see them, you talk to them, you like them. Then you find out those things, but since you like the person you can deal with it.

I have seen on sites like PoF they make you put far too much personal information on your profile. Is that the problem?

You should also know that the people on dating forums are pretty much the dregs of society. They can't find friends in real life because they're such jerks so they go online where it takes much longer for people to discover what a jerk you are. Lots of people go on those sites just to put people down and insult them. There was a guy on PoF named veedub who loved to go to the profile reviews and tear into people. Even an innocent post about the way to get around paying road tolls turned into accusations of stupidity.

Like I said - I do not know of anyone who has gotten a good relationship from the internet. I got my cat that way though. Maybe you can find a jerk and rescue his cat.


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

scarpia said:


> In the real world you meet somone and have no idea if they have been married or have kids or have been locked up in a psych hospital or whatever. You see them, you talk to them, you like them. Then you find out those things, but since you like the person you can deal with it.
> 
> I have seen on sites like PoF they make you put far too much personal information on your profile. Is that the problem?
> 
> ...


well I think you're absolutely wrong about that. that only the lowest form of people go on dating sites....i just talked to a woman the other night who met her husband of 7 years on a asperger website -- so again, I don't beleive people can't find decent relationships over the internet that transpire into a real thing. If that's your experience, fine. What that other poster just said is true about when you get in your 30s the social scene is completely different from those in their early 20s. The fact that he's going to try to put himself on one of those sites doesn't make me think he's one of the 'dregs of society' and has no friends etc. I think it's much more common than you think. Just like I asked that other person, what do you suggest then instead of dating sites?? Oh, let me guess: take a cooking class or join a book club, right? LOL. I'm not looking to find a jerk and I hate cats but w/e


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

I've heard and read about plenty of positive and negative experiences. The results don't seem to differ from any other 'tactic' you might use to meet compatible people, its just the pool is a lot wider and easier to navigate. I might make a few friends as well, which is also nice. I dunno, my check list is pretty limited, so it will be more about them liking me...


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

Matt J said:


> I've heard and read about plenty of positive and negative experiences. The results don't seem to differ from any other 'tactic' you might use to meet compatible people, *its just the pool is a lot wider and easier to navigate. I might make a few friends as well,* which is also nice. I dunno, *my check list is pretty limited,* so it will be more about them liking me...


either way sound like a win/win for you. G.L.


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## StayingMotivated (Sep 5, 2011)

RetroDoll said:


> My question lets say you do fit into these (over 30 never married, no kiddies, etc). what is the woman to do? It seem like she have no option b/c the scarlet letter has already been imprinted upon the chest before she even opens her mouth....thoughts?


There's always options. I'm getting closer to 30 and really feel my biological clock ticking-I could care less about marriage but that's besides the point. So I do understand what you may be feeling. Back to options* I believe you could go to meetup.com for 30+ members for various activities, craigslist(I'd be careful w/ this route but I think it's better than dating sites) and of course forums that spark your interest(not dating ones!)

Those are some options on meeting people even though I'm not 100% sure I answered your question right!

Believe me  there are plenty of men that would date/marry/impregnate a woman that's in her 30's. Get yourself out there to find them. Again dating sites I would not use because I believe most men are just looking for a bang


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## fraidycat (Oct 29, 2004)

> you just have to explain what social anxiety is about. It's not the worst mental illness in the world. I think most people would understand and be willing to move forward if the rest of the your life is going relatively well. I just wouldn't bring it up on the first date.


 this is seriously what I have the most trouble with. I'm f/31 btw, and can relate to some of what the OP is saying, but i do believe that if you have the rest of your life in relatively good shape in terms of career, platonic relationships, independence, having SA despite your age wouldn't preclude you from finding a relationship.

Currently, I'm working on the career independence piece. I still date causally and oddly enough I notice I attract men depending on where I am in life. I'm doing the school thing again..ugh..and am meeting a lot of consultants, freelancers, and currently a musician. I meet them at bars and through friends, mainly bars. When i was working I met a lot of corporate types. In any case, I like to be more comfortable with where I am before I completely put myself out there with my shiny new outfit and SA issues. If however, you're fine with where you are I agree with the above poster, meet-up groups are great ways to meet others. They even have SA specific ones. If not that find something more tailored to your interests.

Lastly, i think dating forums are the worst place to look for insight. Most people go on out of frustration and vent. It's a bit skewed.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Quite the contrary for me. I'd be more attracted to a woman in that situation, but only as long as she never wanted to have kids. It's the ones who are hard drivers for marriage and kids that I find objectionable.


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## ilsr (Aug 29, 2010)

Well, I'm close to 40. Never had a gf, never married. It's a strange life. Most people don't like me even though I've always had a nice personality. People ask me why I don't have a gf. I respond I've always failed, and they say nah, you haven't tried. That's kind of true. Why waste my time and energy when I don't fit and have never fit in any social circles to begin with? I've already wasted subscription fees on the dating sites. You're right, they are mostly people angry at their ex-s or what not.

That said, OP, I didn't realize that there was a social requirement to get married, like having had previous relationships. It's kind of depressing, our fake commercialized society has become like this. Kind of like applying for a job but not having specific work experience or worse scrutinized for work experience "gaps". A chicken and egg syndrome.

Just musing here. Maybe it's worldwide overpopulation. Global competition. Just like one has to be ultimately competitive in any endeavor to get anywhere, it's the same with relationships now.


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## Matt J (Oct 19, 2006)

ils25r said:


> Well, I'm close to 40. Never had a gf, never married. It's a strange life. Most people don't like me even though I've always had a nice personality. People ask me why I don't have a gf. I respond I've always failed, and they say nah, you haven't tried. That's kind of true. Why waste my time and energy when I don't fit and have never fit in any social circles to begin with? I've already wasted subscription fees on the dating sites. You're right, they are mostly people angry at their ex-s or what not.
> 
> That said, OP, I didn't realize that there was a social requirement to get married, like having had previous relationships. It's kind of depressing, our fake commercialized society has become like this. Kind of like applying for a job but not having specific work experience or worse scrutinized for work experience "gaps". A chicken and egg syndrome.
> 
> Just musing here. Maybe it's worldwide overpopulation. Global competition. Just like one has to be ultimately competitive in any endeavor to get anywhere, it's the same with relationships now.


Just wanted to say that I can relate to so much of what you have said. Lately ive been pushing myself to try and become more comfortable with group situations. I feel like im on another wavelength 90% of the time. Thats nobodies fault. Just the way it is. Its always been that way for me. I speak up, make a comment. Its mostly ignored. Im perfectly happy to shut up, but people insist that you communicate. Should we push ourselves for the sake of personal growth, or should we accept our shortcomings and work on our strengths. Im really struggling with this question right now.


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## falling down (Oct 17, 2011)

A series of events has lead me to qualifying for this thread.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

Reasons i will be alone for ever-

I am too distrustful
I am avoidant
I am a recluse
I am a loner
I have painfully low self esteem
I have no confidence
I don't look like Brad Pitt/or whoever women have hots for
I have no career and prospects
I am boring
I feel uncomfortabel showing my feelings


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## RetroDoll (Jun 25, 2011)

gaz said:


> Reasons i will be alone for ever-
> 
> I am too distrustful
> I am avoidant
> ...


Majority of men don't look anything like Brad Pitt from what I seen on the streets and fyi you're not a bad looking guy from your avi anyways.


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