# Going out with friends



## Xanatos32 (Dec 28, 2012)

Ever since I broke up (or rather my GF broke up with me), I've decided to get back out there. I've made it a goal to talk to friends at work. We're planning to go to the movies tonight.

I know it's nothing huge, but at 31, I FINALLY feel less shy and anxious to go and do things. What I have learned is that staying away from these kinds of normal social gatherings has made me realize how immature I have been. 

If I had the normal social life in high school with casual dates, events, and such (rather than go home, play video games, do all my homework for the next three weeks) I'd be a different place right now.

Shyness really is an evil and terrible thing to have. It takes so much work to overcome, and it takes time and a bit of luck as well to really cure. However, once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier and easier.

I've made a huge effort in online dating I just started three days ago. I've already made a female friend. Nothing date wise, but it's a bit like applying for jobs. You just keep putting out a lot of stuff. Forget dwelling on the oneitis or thinking she's the only one for me. 

Not all women are the same, thank the Heavens! So many are out there, and I'm bound to run into a great one. I need to keep focusing on my job, and I suspect that if things are going the way they are going, I will have most of what I want in life. 

I'll never be anxiety free or non-shy, but I will have done something about both. I don't believe everything I read or let setbacks hurt me like my failed relationship. I use this last relationship as proof that true love is out there. It is hard; it can be exhausting...it can wear you down to almost an inch of your life emotionally.

Some people give in, throw in the towel so to speak. Not me, I'm not ready for cold approaches, and that's not really my style anyhow. I am not hiding anymore. I know I have failures and problems...huge stinky annoying problems...but why should any of it stop me?

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm old enough emotionally now to be an adult. In my 20s, I lived like a 13 year old.


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## failed101 (Dec 13, 2012)

Ooooh, how did it go?
And, congratulations for taking those steps !


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## holla4adolla (Nov 6, 2012)

Good for you, man!


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## Xanatos32 (Dec 28, 2012)

The night out was fun, but I should have foreseen a few things.

1. It was more or less a going away party for an extroverted ladies man at my store. Three girls piled in his car; only enough room for four people. Guess who drove up alone behind them?

2. He and the girls are 10 years younger than I am, and I know that lots of women like older guys. I've been a teacher before, and the feeling I got was I'm taking my students out for a movie. I felt like the old man. They are fun and exciting to be around (emotionally I'm on their level, but physically I'm not)...so it made things weird in my head.

3. A girl who just turned 19 seems to like me; she keeps messaging me. Nothing romantic/dating has happened. I don't want to break her heart, but if it gets there I'm going to simply say I want someone closer to my age. If she were any younger, she could be my daughter. And despite being shy and immature for my age group, I just cannot see myself with her. I've always wanted someone +/- 5 years. That I can manage.

I keep having sad thoughts about my breakup, and I how I feel so responsible. Why did I have to call her grandmother? Why did she have to move 4 hours away? Why did she stop calling/texting me after the last night I saw her? How could she just ignore me as if I never existed? Why did I turn all needy on her when I started being ignored? I should have just said, do you want to break up...act like a man and not a *****.

All I know is that I needed this movie thing. They were just too teenager for me, and those years are long gone. Not that I ever had them to be honest. I was an outcast as a teenager. 

I learned the other day from a girl who I knew in high school that she would have dated me had my mother not been a teacher in the same school. :rain


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

You're making some changes mate, so be supportive of yourself. Keep looking at the progress you're making, not the negatives from the past.

And with the 19 yr old girl, in all honesty, if you like her, and feel she's on a similar level maturity wise and you can talk to her, then go for it!! She's legal, and it's only 12 years. There are loads of people who are together with similar age gaps, especially once you start getting a bit older (guys in their late 30's with girls in their mid 20's etc) so **** it, do what you want and don't worry about "cultural norms".

Blessings,

Nick

__________________
My friend Sebastiaan's weird method that helped him overcome his own 10 yr + Social Anxiety Disorder WATCH HIS VIDEO


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## SVIIC (Apr 15, 2005)

Xanatos32 said:


> If I had the normal social life in high school with casual dates, events, and such (rather than go home, play video games, do all my homework for the next three weeks) I'd be a different place right now.


If it makes you feel any better... you could be dead now too :b.

At least that's something that helps me a little: knowing that things might not have been so great otherwise anyway.



Xanatos32 said:


> I learned the other day from a girl who I knew in high school that she would have dated me had my mother not been a teacher in the same school. :rain


Hearing stuff like that around here is always sad...

At least in my school, there was never any girls I liked to begin with :roll.



newbornmind said:


> And with the 19 yr old girl, in all honesty, if you like her, and feel she's on a similar level maturity wise and you can talk to her, then go for it!! She's legal, and it's only 12 years. There are loads of people who are together with similar age gaps, especially once you start getting a bit older (guys in their late 30's with girls in their mid 20's etc) so **** it, do what you want and don't worry about "cultural norms".


I was half going to say this but... yeah, **** it. I think you should go for it if you click.

I mean, I understand it would be weird... hell, I feel like _I_ would possibly feel weird with a 19 year old, but mannnnn... nothing in life ever really is ideal. If the worst thing about her is that she's 19 and you're 31... **** it, you never know when you'll meet someone again that you actually like.

If you don't really get on much, then don't bother, but if you really think that age is the only thing stopping you... I once wouldn't have thought so but now I say **** it. **** everyone else. Give it a chance if you feel there's any way you can. So you'll feel different to each other, well everybody's different, and besides there's no point being too similar either.
You don't have to marry her right now or anything.

I'm not going to say YOLO... but at the same time... maybe YOLO? :roll Sorry :b. But if that hadn't turned into an annoying meaningless phrase, then it would apply in this situation.

I mean, what are you going to do... choose a life of foreveralone when you could possibly have been happy, just because she was a bit too young for your ideal liking? I understand but at the same time, this is important stuff, and a 12 year age difference even at your ages wouldn't have been so much a few decades ago either.


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## Gracie97 (Jan 17, 2013)

Good for you brother!
As for the age difference, I personally as a young girl prefer older men. When I turn 18 I could imagine myself with a 30 year old man. They are more mature and know what they want in a woman. Boys just piss me off, lol.


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## KentuckyFan (Dec 12, 2012)

Gracie97 said:


> Good for you brother!
> As for the age difference, I personally as a young girl prefer older men. When I turn 18 I could imagine myself with a 30 year old man. They are more mature and know what they want in a woman. Boys just piss me off, lol.


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## FerociousFleur (Oct 30, 2012)

Sounds like you had a good night! Even if that girl is too young for you, that's cute that you have someone crushing on you! :b And yeah... trust your gut... that's a pretty big age difference!!



Xanatos32 said:


> If I had the normal social life in high school with casual dates, events, and such (rather than go home, play video games, do all my homework for the next three weeks) I'd be a different place right now.


This is so true. All those years of school are like a social primer to get you ready for the real world. And if you miss out... you're way behind everyone else.


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## SVIIC (Apr 15, 2005)

FerociousFleur said:


> Sounds like you had a good night! Even if that girl is too young for you, that's cute that you have someone crushing on you! :b And yeah... trust your gut... that's a pretty big age difference!!


How about keep her in mind and wait a few years maybe? 

23 and 35 is less weird, for example.



FerociousFleur said:


> This is so true. All those years of school are like a social primer to get you ready for the real world. And if you miss out... you're way behind everyone else.


I'll agree with that.

Mind you... we should remember that any experience is still experience. We at least know a hell of a lot about how NOT to live and how NOT to act around people.


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## Xanatos32 (Dec 28, 2012)

Well, so far I have not said anything to the 19 year old girl. I'm trying to be a good friend right now. At the same time, I am talking to a 28 year old who I met through online dating.

I'm torn between the two. I haven't met the 28 year old one, but we have great conversations. The 19 year old knows me; she has known me for a year personally.

I know this is going to sound really unprofessional and bad, but the 19 year old has a major weight problem. The 28 year old has employment problems. I like them both; I'm attracted to both. I just feel disgusted with myself trying to choose between the two.

I wish it were just one person. I've never been in the shoes of someone who has to choose. I don't know how attractive men/women with lots of suitors/dates/friendships/etc manage all of this. 

My whole goal in life is to be faithful to one person. I know that sounds old fashioned and anti-biology, but at 31 years old having only dated one other person...do you think I'm a bit loopy? 

One thing is for certain, I could make my intentions known for the 19 year old girl. I can be really great pen pals with the other. It's just that I really do not know what to do. I hate having to wait and see, but I don't think I have my answer just yet. It will come; perhaps I should do the crazy thing and date both of them.

It just feels wrong, but I mean that's what dating websites create, right? Lots of opportunities. You don't just put all your hope in one person? That led me down the road of disappointment with the last relationship. Putting everything on the line, and forgetting to remember that I need to focus on myself. Not put all my joy and happiness in the other person.

Argh, my brain hurts. I cannot rush things; that's for certain. At the same time, I want to be committed to one person. I don't like this juggling back and forth of two people. 

For all I know this online girl could be seeing multiple guys. The 19 year old seems to have no significant other. I don't know if it is her weight or her age. Waiting for 23/24 is too long.


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## SVIIC (Apr 15, 2005)

Xanatos32 said:


> For all I know this online girl could be seeing multiple guys.


I think that's the idea with online dating really: you go on a high volume of dates if you can find them, and then see if anything comes of them.

It's not cheating or anything when you're not even in a relationship and just having single dates to meet people. Mind you, it probably gets grey once you start going on a second date, so I dunno, it might be dangerous territory :b.

I wonder is speed dating much good?... hmmm.


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## Xanatos32 (Dec 28, 2012)

There was a speed dating event in my area, but the popularity dissipated after a year. I never went to it. I don't know how it works. I cannot imagine walking into a room seeing 20 women and instantly saying to myself nope. Then go through the anxiety filled process of trying to make small talk for 15 minutes with each one?

There are singles groups though. However, they all come with this big bold statement on their website saying anyone caught using it as a dating service will be asked to leave. So if something happens, it has to happen after whatever you do as a group. 

One of the main problems with the singles groups is that they seem to be all women or all men specific things. It doesn't involve people my age or even close to it. Mostly 50+ year old women. 

Obviously, if you don't have SA, hanging out with your peers is easy. People can get cliquish too if it is a small group. 


High school was one giant clique to which I did not belong.


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

Xanatos32 said:


> Well, so far I have not said anything to the 19 year old girl. I'm trying to be a good friend right now. At the same time, I am talking to a 28 year old who I met through online dating.
> 
> I'm torn between the two. I haven't met the 28 year old one, but we have great conversations. The 19 year old knows me; she has known me for a year personally.
> 
> ...


I think you may be investing far too much value into this mate. It sounds to me like you've got one girl who you've known for a year, and met a few times, and are good friends with. The other is someone you just met and have chatted with or emailed online.

That's pretty much it. I don't think you need to think about this too much. My concept is that until I've met someone on a proper date, and know that we actually have a connection (in real life - not just on a computer) then I'm not going to worry and think too much about the girl.

It's not because I'm an *******, it just doesn't make any sense, or do me any good to invest a whole bunch of time thinking about a girl if I've never actually met her. So my way of thinking then, is that it's best to meet someone you've hit it off online with, as soon as possible. This will save you so much BS, as you'll know quickly whether it's going anywhere.

As for the 2 dates thing, again you're over thinking this. Just take them both out on dates (separately of course, lol) and see what happens, which one you prefer, etc... Maybe you'll like one romantically more, and can manage to stay friends with the other.

This is normal, don't beat yourself up about it and over think too much...

Good luck 

Nick


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## Xanatos32 (Dec 28, 2012)

What you said makes sense, and I guess I just needed the reinforcement. It's just that for most of my life I've only ever imagined these scenarios.

When you are actually there, it's like being on stage and while you can be yourself, you cannot just turn it off or pause it like a computer or a movie when you are tired. Things keep going. That is another person you are dealing with not a fantasy. Books and movies give you all the script and answers for you; you just sit there and wait for them.

I do over think everything. It is a bad habit to have. Living alone for so long I only have myself to blame or to argue with; including someone else suddenly creates all of this doubt and jealousy. "Well, is she lying to me?" "Why is she talking to him?" "Who is that girl?" "Why did she not call me right away?"

I didn't suffocate my dates in the past, but I'll beat myself up over what I say. It's not like on here where I can backspace a whole sentence. What is said, is said.

That for me is a lot of anxiety.


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