# Why do I keep remembering embarrassing moments?



## phobiaphobe

I have been having memory flashes where my head keeps replaying embarrassing times. Why is that? It messes with my concentration and keeps me from enjoying anything. I am in my 30s and I have flashes from mostly recent years, but also back from high school. They have to do with when I said the wrong thing or said something dumb and people laughed or made a facial expression. After I have the flash, my heart rate goes up and I breathe faster and sigh. I tell myself, 'everybody makes mistakes and we need to make mistakes to learn new things.' That's all I can do, but I keep having memories pop up.


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## shellra

This happens to me all the time. My memory in general is terrible but I always remember the embarrassments, even things from when I was really young. It has the same effect as you describe, pounding heart etc, and definitely affects decisions to do or try certain things.

Probably related is that I feel acutely embarrassed in the first place by things that most people wouldn't think twice about. Then they stay with me, and...well...bah.

No solution from me, but at least you know it's not just you.


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## xJoshx

Something you could think about is that, 
There is nothing wrong with embarrassing yourself, Everyone always has times where it happens.

What I try to do is just let go of the thought of doing something foolish, and nothing bad came from the situation and convince yourself there is always something good that comes from a bad or embarrassing event (e.g. Making people laugh? what not to do in future?)


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## serolf

Same, I have embarrassing memories from my high school days (7 years ago!) that crop up occasionally, but none of the good ones. It seems like my head is full of these painful memories and they're blocking out the happy ones. I have to make a conscious effort to remember key moments when I was proud of myself.

It's even worse when some things of the present instantly remind me of the past, such as presentations, first dates, interviews, etc.


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## Intelligent Design

phobiaphobe said:


> I have been having memory flashes where my head keeps replaying embarrassing times. Why is that? It messes with my concentration and keeps me from enjoying anything. I am in my 30s and I have flashes from mostly recent years, but also back from high school. They have to do with when I said the wrong thing or said something dumb and people laughed or made a facial expression. After I have the flash, my heart rate goes up and I breathe faster and sigh. I tell myself, 'everybody makes mistakes and we need to make mistakes to learn new things.' That's all I can do, but I keep having memories pop up.


It sounds like you're getting a physical reaction to a stimulus. The memory flashes are the stimulus. And the meanings the stimulus provokes (I'm dumb because I said something stupid) is what causes your emotional/physical reaction. It's part of the fight or flight response all humans have.

I can re-experience embarrassing events from years and years ago. And these events, even tho they were very trivial on paper, are so utterly humiliating... or at least the meanings I attribute to them are, that I can expereince a very strong emotional/physical response.


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## P312

I read about it on wikipedia I think. Here it is: "Many studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed". It happens all the time. I remember when I did wrong and I feel bad about it, but I have trouble finding out things I've done that Im proud of. It's like my mind doesn't like itself and want to feel pain for what I've done in the past even when these things aren't that bad.


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## Cyrus

Lol I do this too it's stupid.


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## ava0000

i do that allllllll the time lol. i'll do the same thing about randomly remembering stupid/embarrassing stuff i did in highschool and really it does nothing more than torture me and make me feel really bad. i guess you get the physical reaction cause when you re-live it, you remember exactly how it made you feel and how badly you felt so you react accordingly.

i tend to obsess over everything that i do that i regret or think was stupid or that i dont think i handled well, whether it was something i did yesterday at work or something i did 4 years ago...i wish i didnt, cause it doesnt help in anyway.


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## jacksmith

same, I think of all the cringy moments in my life,,,, and theres been a few!! less an less the older you get though, the only thing I get from it is try and learn not to embarress myself again ,


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## heyJude

I do this from time to time as well. It's like I want to forget about it, but something will remind me of certain traumatizing moments and it'll play over and over in my head. I become ashamed and feel like I can't face anyone that day even if the certain thing happened years ago. If that even makes sense. Best thing to do is preoccupy your mind with something else...go for a walk, listen to music, read a book, go online, etc.


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## milktoast

Same thing happens to me.


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## Rtastism

This happens to me more often than I can count 
I remember embarrassing moments, some that are even so small that the other people involved probably don't remember them (like, for example, when I was in fifth or sixth grade and I accidentally called a boy in my class 'she' and everyone mocked me and said I was dumb. It still haunts me to this day, but I bet nobody else that was there even gave it a second thought after that day.), and I just feel so terrible.
I too get the physical reaction. My throat tightens up, my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's spinning. It's horrible.
It used to happen a lot when I would go to bed and try to fall asleep. It got so bad, I started sleeping with the TV on to drown out the negative thoughts. I still do, and it's been three years. I'll watch a movie that makes me relax and feel safe and happy. It helps a lot, though it's probably not so good for the electricity bill lol


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## immortal80

yeah, people with s.a. i think tend to be harder on themselves than others. i replay embarrassing moments all the time in my head as well. they really do haunt you. i can think of plenty of things right now that'll just make whole face blush and i can a lot of the same feelings back, even after many many years.


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## eelpie

yes i can recall embarassing moments from 20+ yrs ago and I dwell on them. they come back, i just try to shake it off, turn on the tv, you've got to move on.


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## Stargirl09

It must be a sign of borderline madness but whats really creepy is thinking of embarrassing things which have never happened and believing other people can read your mind.

I embarrass myself all the time and what makes it even harder is being alone, at least if someone is with you they can laugh at you and you can laugh at yourself or someone can stick up for you and make it look almost cute & silly rather than soul destroying.


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## swiv2D

Honestly I have the same problem, I'll remember things from years ago again and again. I'll even spend sometime re-living the moment in my head just to get it out of the way but it keeps popping up again at the most inappropriate moment. 
I also have this habbit of thinking really sad thoughts, things happening to my family, pain, suffering, humiliation. I don't know where that stuff comes from.


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## phobiaphobe

immortal80 said:


> yeah, people with s.a. i think tend to be harder on themselves than others. i replay embarrassing moments all the time in my head as well. they really do haunt you. i can think of plenty of things right now that'll just make whole face blush and i can a lot of the same feelings back, even after many many years.


I'm thinking WHY do we do this and that sounds about right. Some people with SA are perfectionists, including me, and I think we hang on to the expectation that we must do things very well...Always. So clinging to that expectation is more of the root of it. Beating myself up about it because I screwed up about something and said something dumb or weird. Or I just sat there not talking to anyone and looked weird. So the first problem is that I have unreasonable expectations of myself and I think the second problem is that I blame myself and feel low because of it.

So how to move forward? Maybe shift expectations to say that I don't have to do social things well all the time. I do some things well, but not others. The second thing I guess I could do is say that I couldn't help the way I behaved or thought in the past so I don't need to blame myself. If I could have done better I would have, but at the time I just couldn't. I suppose that this might be a healthier way to process those memories when they pop up. I just don't understand why they are floating in my head, still after years. Maybe I need a distraction.

Thanks, now I know I'm not the only person that does this!


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## immortal80

phobiaphobe said:


> Thanks, now I know I'm not the only person that does this!


i think a lot of people on the forums can sympathize with this issue. i think it's directly correlated with S.A.


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## New

Me too, especially when I see reminders like this thread, they're all passing through my mind now. :lol

I can mostly laugh them off, but some memories are more like things I wish I did differently or lies I have told and they make me feel bad. But I take what I know now and promise not to repeat my mistakes of the past and move on with life. As I get older, I find that most of these memories fade so long as I avoid things that remind me of them and don't purposely dig through my head to unearth them.


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## katmovie

*Ruminating on embarrassing moments*

Hi,

I have tried many things to deal with that problem. I read articles, books, tried several types of therapy, etc. The only form of therapy that has really helped is EMDR. If you haven't tried it, I recommend you find a therapist who is licensed to provide it, and try it a few times.

Good luck!
L


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## millenniumman75

It's almost self-deprecation. We do it to sabotage our happiness because we don't feel that we deserve it. 

I still do this at times, but it is not as bad as it was.


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## Redefine

I learned this in social psych class. When you have a memory you want to repress there are 2 processes your mind deploys to keep the memory from coming up. The first is an automatic process which is constantly searching your thoughts for that memory. The second is a controlled process that immediately stops the thought from coming up when the automatic process finds that thought. So when you are fatigued or under high stress the controlled process stops working as well and because your automatic process is still searching for that thought, the memory actually starts coming up MORE often since the controlled process cannot actively stop the thought.

Really what you have to do is accept the thought. Realize that it's ok to have embarrassing experiences so it doesn't bother you. As long as it still bothers you, your mind will continue to try to repress it.


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## 2Talkative

eelpie said:


> yes i can recall embarassing moments from 20+ yrs ago .


I can remember almost every single embarrassing moment in my life. I can't remember to do my laundry or simple things but I can remember anxiety causing issues back to when I was a little kid. When these do pop into my head but I get busy doing something else to forget.


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## mrfixit

this is the result of doubt. this happens when someone with authority contradicts you and makes you think twice. the problem is when that person with authority doesn’t contradict you to correct you but to make you feel bad and feed their ego. over time, and i mean over and over time, you will learn to doubt yourself and will continue to re-think anything that you do. 

what i’m telling you above is the root of the problem. after excessive doubt, your mind has learned to re-play the situations over and over again to try to make sense of the situation when it can’t cus it gets fogged by the re-thinking itself and this spreads to all thoughts. 

did i say the right thing?

did i sound weird?

did i really say that?

was i too formal?

you have learned to re-play things over and over again in your head, hence 'i keep remembering embarrassing moments’. 

the more you stay static the more your mind keeps thinking about the last 'big memory'. this is what really makes it hard on SA sufferers, when we stay in our rooms, trying to avoid people. we think we are helping ourselves when in reality we are making it worse... in our minds that is. 

this is the same thing when a female/male gets dump by their significant other. the ‘normal’ reaction is to feel that they did something wrong/bad. this is understandable. now, what if the guy/girl who got dumped went out with his/her friends and had a good time. the ‘dumping’ would have been replaced with ‘a good time’. yeah, it would be temporary but the 'dumping' would not be there none the less. specially if they found someone who they clicked with.

embarrassing moments are part of life. the president has had embarrassing moments, oprah has had embarrassing moments, everyone has had embarrassing moments. that’s life. there would not be any gag reels in movies if there weren't’ any embarrassing moments.

how to stop these re-thinking of embarrassing moments?

by distracting the mind or de-escalating the re-play. 

one example in distracting the mind is to exercise. it will distract the mind and will also benefit you physically. 

one example in de escalating the re-play is to say to yourself “this is my brain over exaggerating something small. i take control back and i let the embarrassing feeling go.”


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## nicolesa23

I always remember embarrassing moments and things I regret and beat myself up about it, feel awful for it and it really reduces what confidence/esteem I have left. Recent things and also stuff all the way back to primary school.


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## cmr

I do quite a bit. I replay them, and then feel bad and stupid, then go through all the ways I could've done better or avoided it or whatever... It sucks, I try to just keep it out of my mind.


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## hopefaith

I'm the same way! Usually it's about something recent, but every now and then something from a long time ago will flash in my mind and I'd think, "I can't believe I said/did that!" and I'd cringe...in public. lol which makes it worse. I try to just shake it off. Sometimes I literally tell myself to shut up and force myself to think about other things. Condition yourself to think that no one else noticed, no one else will remember. Easier said than done I know, I'm still trying to convince myself of this.


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## kstep

I don't like to threadromancy, but my psychologist made an excellent recommendation for dealing with these thoughts. Its not a cure to get rid of them, but it definitely helps with both frequency and reaction. Basically all you do is find a way to display love to yourself mentally. All I do is hug myself in my head, and it works great! Maybe all it does is completely distract you from the thought you were having a moment ago but it works quite well.

However for some reason I haven't been doing this lately. Instead I've just vocalized whatever I was thinking before hand or just said "What was I thinking about?" while completely blocking the thought out. I wouldn't recommend this though, active repression results in increased frequency of these thoughts.


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## Mae West

I think these memories reinforce a self image of being socially inept. If you were to think about positive social memories it would screw with your self image and force you to be more objective. I do this a lot too because it's congruent with my social self image of being socially inept. I don't think I do it consciously, it has become a habit to reinforce a self image that feels safe. I'm trying to cut down on these thoughts but it is hard! I don't think it's hard due to low self esteem. I have thought like this my entire life so changing my thoughts is a difficult process.


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## manchild88

*Finally found this!!!*

I can't believe how long it's taken me to figure out what this is. I've been having episodes like this since I was 7 years old! I end up recalling embarassing moments especially times when I've been trying to do something nice and it was misunderstood as mean, times when they observed me creating something that turned out to be lame or stupid, or times when I've tried to impress people and made a complete fool of myself. Every time it's extremely violent by comparison to what I'm reading, I lurch like I've just been slapped in the face with a piece of rotting fish or feel a choking sensation like someone just grabbed me by the throat! It compounds too... happening one right after the other uncontrollably, at times only stopping if I yell at myself "STOP!" at the top of my lungs. The weirdest part of it is I'm an extrovert. I like meeting new people and I don't mind being center of attention, it's being alone with someone, being creative in front of someone, or letting someone see me in private that gives me anxiety.

Luckily it usually happens more when I'm alone with my thoughts but it also happens at times when I'm happy or comfortable with my wife and it just ruins everything  I hate it so much and I want to know how to make it stop for good!!! I don't want to live knowing that as soon as I start to feel happy my brain is going to punch me in the face and throat.

This was such a huge victory to finally find out what this is likely called and caused by and to know I'm not a lone freak. I can't believe it... this really took me like 20 years to figure out. Thank you all for sharing and PLEASE if you know how to make it stop then tell me!


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## Joshua90

I noticed embarrassing memories pop into my head whenever I find myself having some semblance of happiness, feeling content or having a calm moment, which is quite rare, so when that happens my entire mood is spoilt and I just can't seem to shake them off easily. The memories almost feel like taunts my mind throws at me and one way I try to shake them off is to curse mentally at them as if they were a physical person mocking me. I know its weird but it helps, sometimes. I having to relive these moments though


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## Farideh

Trust me, it helps when you laugh at those embarrassing memories because awkward moments are in fact kind of funny depending on the situation. We cannot change anything from that has already happened to ys but we obviously can change how we see it. Like if you get your heart broken, see it as this person is not the one and there is someone out there who is the one.


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## A SAD Finn

Yeah, I often get these flashbacks by some weird association with something I observe or think. Sometimes I try to defuse them by trying to remember all those embarrassing moments I've lived. Obviously you should be in a good mode to begin with. After doing this for a while the memories don't feel that bad anymore. I haven't done this exercise for a while so I should start doing it again because I've had enough of these flashbacks lately.


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## Jesuszilla

It's a part of anxiety. Embarrassing moments often causes us fear and holds us back. Truth is we need to learn to let them go. It happened, it's over. Try to move on


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## caelle

It's a curse. 

I will randomly remember embarrassing things from years ago and then feel bad and stupid all over again. 
So I'm trying to learn that whenever I do something stupid or embarrassing, to not dwell on it and to move on asap, cause thinking about it too much seems to really stick with you for the rest of your life.


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## sdfhsth

same, I think of all the cringy moments in my life,,,, and theres been a few!! less an less the older you get though, the only thing I get from it is try and learn not to embarress myself again ,


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## Kind Of

I used to have this a lot. The best I can put it is that your brain thinks there's a problem, either a persistent one that it needs to go back to or fix or one that it needs to be aware of so it doesn't step on it accidentally. Unresolved emotions.


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## spaul

http://www.ted.com/talks/ze_frank_are_you_human#t-257164
this thread reminded me of this video


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## Sine Timore

That's just a characteristic of people with social anxiety. We are really afraid of embarrassing ourselves in front of other people or being judged and that's the root of our anxiety. It's normal that we obsess over it when it does actually happen because it is the thing that scares us the most... Everyone would be traumatized if their greatest fear became a reality.


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## mjkittredge

Yeah these recurring bad memories can start replaying at any association and it drives me crazy because I feel the negative emotions all over again, the embarrassment and fear. Start swearing like I have tourettes. Try to talk myself out of it, tell myself it's okay to make mistakes, to make a fool of oneself, to lose badly, everyone does those things sometimes.


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## hiith

These memories are a obsessions: particularly, fixations and intrusive thoughts. I have them all the time. These obsessions can lead to obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or OCD itself, the former being the case with me; I often have intrusive memories (particularly depressing, nerve-racking, and embarrassing ones) pop into my head and I find that a repetitive behavior makes it subside. It's not uncommon for me to excessively tap, click, hit, or repeat a word or short phrase (especially the phrase "stop it" or something that I read or hear). This does not stop them from recurring, and isn't the healthiest thing (I don't recommend trying it). But I sadly don't know how to manage it.


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## Jamie Case

*Have you got a worse memory than this?*

Many have given good answers to the op, so I hope I can just share the horrendous memory that was keeping me awake last night. It was a Team day at work. A Murder Mystery dinner. We had all been given our 'roles' by the event company and would be given our stories to act out at the event. I was 'SAS Officer' and spent alot of money on an amazing costume. I thought maybe I can act out a prescribed role, as long as I don't have to be me. The company reps were 2 hours late at the venue, when I had to make small talk with all my colleagues, which I hated. The event started and everyone was given their story sheets except me, as there didn't seem to be one for the 'SAS officer'. The event was further delayed, while the hosts 'quickly' wrote a new 'story' for my character, so all the attention was on me and the responsibility of holding up the event. It turned out that my new role was for an 'Urban Guerilla', and they hastily concocted some stupid story about me trying to convince all the guests at the dinner that there were a gang of dangerous 'Gorillas' on the loose and I had to find them and capture them, which had nothing to do with the Murder Mystery plot whatsoever. My only hope of surviving this event had been to do my best, as a good sport, to play along and do it in character, so I had to go with it. Well, we had to mingle amongst ourselves and give away a bit of our story to each person. Of course, everyone thought what I was telling them was totally stupid and had nothing to do with the game and there I am, desperately trying to hold it together, while having to act like a total dick. This goes on all day, interspersed with different dinner courses, where we make small talk and me trying to explain myself. I hope it sounds like there's a funny side to this, because I know it sounds ridiculous, but what really depresses me is the way that life seems to conspire to create situations that are so unlikely, but are tailor made to cause me the maximum amount of distress, and then continues to punish me by making me relive them over and over. Does that sound familiar?


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## Jamie Case

I just noticed the forum says I am an 'SAS Member', so now I'm thinking, will the forum members understand why I said I was playing the part of an 'SAS Officer' in my story? Will they think, 'Why was he trying to be a Social Anxiety Forum Member at his Work Team Day event? That's just weird. Is this guy some kind of freak?'. Actually, in the story, SAS stands for 'Special Air Service'. It's the name for the British Military's special forces. Could it be that they are both abbreviated 'SAS' as just another one of those unlikely coincidences, apparently designed by the universe to make my life difficult? I'm not wallowing in self-pity now. I'm just saying this because I know that so many of you have similar thoughts. It feels nice to have a connection with people, even if the connection is that we can't connect with people. I love you all.


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## Rodin

Rise from thy slumber o wonderous topic! Rise!


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## Intothewildagain

I have the same problem. I think it is ptsd.


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## Rodin

Jamie Case said:


> Will they think, 'Why was he trying to be a Social Anxiety Forum Member at his Work Team Day event? That's just weird. Is this guy some kind of freak?'.


Actually, something like this:

"What? SAS? Does he mean an SA person? A SAS officer? I'm confused."

I read more, then:

"Hmm, it must mean something else. That's weird."


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## mark9984

This is my first post here. I just signed to say that I feel the exact same thing and its so good to see that i'm not alone, on being 'hostage' of my mind that is. lol

something even as far as from when I was 7 years old from the early 90's, still pops in occasionaly.

regards


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## mark9984

Sorry for douple posting, but not only embarrasing situations, but also situations where I let someone down or threated someone bad. These memories are specifically from my late 16's to 21 approx', when I used to be a kinda immature and selfish person. Some of those I apologized and are even still friends, but the thoughts still comes back.

And there those 'ex-friends' I don't see/talk anymore mostly because I let them down in several ways. Not as bad as betraying the trust or taking behind their back, but mostly being an unreliable friend. For example, I Made promises and didn't fulfill, etc. These [bad memories] specifically comeback more seriously and stronger the aforementioned one, wich seems obvious because of the unresolved nature (Sadly I lost contact and can't reach them anymore)

Regards


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## handheart

I think that your mind its dezorganized ,try some meditation positivity and relaxation tehnique .On youtube serach for calm mind meditaion etc you will find a lot


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## AHolivier

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## slyfox

Know the feeling. I have flashes of memory of pathetic things I did in elementary school even  Keep having all the bad memories of pathetic or bad things I've done. Have wondered if making a list and doing things to make up for them would help me feel better. It would be a very long list


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## John63

I think most people get this, but for some of us it becomes oppressive. I thought it was partly because I remember so much anyway - my friends are often surprised how I remember things about them from decades ago - but someone above said they have a lousy memory otherwise. I do agree with wisteria that if you're dealing with depression and SA it's worse. Not everyone gets it - my wife says she just doesn't much remember things she's done that make her feel bad. I have a whole huge smorgasbord of little embarrassing things spread over many decades, all the way back to the 1970s. Several times a day, half a dozen, sometimes more, I'll suddenly remember something I did or said, like something I said to a friend as a fifteen-year-old, how I reacted to something at 17, things I did or said, dozens and dozens of them, that weren't quite right, seemed odd or easily misunderstood. It comes back to you spurred by some similar thing that happens in your day and you cringe, groan in disgust at it - in company you hide the cringe and expression of disgust, but sometimes while out and about I find myself having visibly just cringed at a sudden unwanted recollection of something. I've tried to say to myself, when they come back to me, 'I forgive myself' each time, but it doesn't seem to help much. I've thought about trying to write down all of them, and to write also a justification or at least some forgiving note for each, so that they all become familiar but linked to that forgiving or justifying idea, and so when I suddenly remember them it's not so disappointing and hurtful. A lot of it seems to be the sudden recollection, so if they're more front-of-mind, as they would be if I noted them all down and gave myself an 'out' for each one, it wouldn't be such a shock when they come back to me. I saw in a movie once someone say they put certain memories in 'the forgettery'. Like the 'memory hole' from 1984, expunged, but the memories keep coming out again. There would be a market for some therapy or operation to permanently remove certain memories, if it could be trusted!. I asked a psychiatrist about the problem once and he said it was to do with perfectionism, and I have had jobs where I've had to be a bit of perfectionist - I don't know how others here relate to that idea. As we all know, almost all of these cringeworthy moments aren't even remembered by the other people involved, but it doesn't change the stab of pain and shame we feel when we suddenly remember them. I think I will make that list, along with an exonerating note for each incident. I have noticed that when you actually choose to remember the frequently-remembered events, they're not so hurtful, it's when they come back unexpected that they cause that acute shame. Make them so familiar they can't take you by surprise. Worth a try.


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