# A sexless relationship



## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

I am a very sexual person. If i had my way i would like to have sex every day or so. I have been with my boyfriend for just about 2 years and we have lived together for most of that time. Since he moved in the sex has dwindled to maybe once a month. I know that in longer relationships sex does dwindle but this just doesn't seem right to me.

He always says he's tired or some other excuse that people use. I'm pretty positive he's not cheating. We've had multiple convos about it and nothing changes. I'm just at a loss.

Opinions? ideas?


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

i had a gf like this and i know she never cheated.she never did change though and we were together for three yrs and lived together for 2.Some people just have low sex drives.


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

JakeBoston1000 said:


> i had a gf like this and i know she never cheated.she never did change though and we were together for three yrs and lived together for 2.Some people just have low sex drives.


Do you think it's worth it to stick it out?


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

well i liked other things about her.she was a really good person and very trustworthy etc. we also got along really well.but in the end it wasnt the sex that killed the relationship it was more my sa if anything.Plus even though i would never ask and she never would have said she was embarassed about what i did for work.

everyone is different.If you want more sex and he's not giving it to you by now or it's getting less in my opinion people don't change much once comfortably in a relationship.Thats just from my experiences though.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Ooops. I misread the post. You've been living together basically the whole time and he has always been that way.

Then yeah, I agree Jake. It will never change. Best to break up.


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

I was afraid of that


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

I guess it depends how important sex is to your personal happiness and whether or not you can live with having it so rarely. Id say he is pretty set in his ways and isn't going to change, so if you feel it isn't something you can live with then perhaps the hard decision has to be made.

I assume you have had some deep and meaningful about that aspect of your lives, but have you made him aware of just how important it is to you?


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

AussiePea said:


> I guess it depends how important sex is to your personal happiness and whether or not you can live with having it so rarely. Id say he is pretty set in his ways and isn't going to change, so if you feel it isn't something you can live with then perhaps the hard decision has to be made.
> 
> I assume you have had some deep and meaningful about that aspect of your lives, but have you made him aware of just how important it is to you?


Yeah ive had multiple convos with him saying i would like sex more. That it makes me feel unattractive. Before we were officially dating he knew i liked sex a lot. Sometimes i think i can live with it, but other times i know i can't.


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## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

i dont really know anything about sex from personal experience but ive heard about a few people going through this with their S.O.... and most of the advice given to those people was maybe trying to be more spontaneous, or maybe try some new things in the bedroom... have you ever asked him if there is any *cough* positions *cough* that he would like to try that maybe you could use as an incentive to make him want to be more sexually active?


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

illmatic1 said:


> i dont really know anything about sex from personal experience but ive heard about a few people going through this with their S.O.... and most of the advice given to those people was maybe trying to be more spontaneous, or maybe try some new things in the bedroom... have you ever asked him if there is any *cough* positions *cough* that he would like to try that maybe you could use as an incentive to make him want to be more sexually active?


see i am the more sexually experimental person. I'll try most anything once or twice. He is a missionary or cow girl in a bed mostly kind of guy. I have suggested things before but he was never very into it. Our sexual preferences are pretty opposite.


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## totalloner (Jan 29, 2013)

depressedkat said:


> Do you think it's worth it to stick it out?


If you've got something to stick out, I guess you should.


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## Ltblue (May 20, 2012)

Make yourself more desirable(work out, dress sexier) also try new things instead of the same 1 note Charlie.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

depressedkat said:


> Do you think it's worth it to stick it out?


Sounds like your boyfriend is the one who should be sticking 'it' out.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

imho how important is sex to you, if he is a good partner and how much do love him,if he isnt interested in sex, but is your soulmate maybe suggest a compromise = you sleep with other men, but dont become emotionally attached to them= better than breaking up


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

depressedkat said:


> I am a very sexual person. If i had my way i would like to have sex every day or so. I have been with my boyfriend for just about 2 years and we have lived together for most of that time. Since he moved in the sex has dwindled to maybe once a month. I know that in longer relationships sex does dwindle but this just doesn't seem right to me.
> 
> He always says he's tired or some other excuse that people use. I'm pretty positive he's not cheating. We've had multiple convos about it and nothing changes. I'm just at a loss.
> 
> Opinions? ideas?


You're a rare awesome girlfriend. It's usually the guy who wants it every day and has to beg his girlfriend.

Your bf sex drive is abnormally low. I would suspect that he has very low testosterone levels or he is a porn addict or something.

But I know how you feel, it feels like you're being rejected constantly. It's not a good feeling. Once a month is way way too low. I think you should move on.


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

Tanya1 said:


> You have to decide whether its worth it I guess and talk to him. Also lol at other people saying what is normal for someone else's sex drive. Fail.


100% this. Communicating about how you feel about it would be nice before you randomly decide to call it off.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

Tanya1 said:


> You have to decide whether its worth it I guess and talk to him. Also lol at other people saying what is normal for someone else's sex drive. Fail.


Yes, but once per month? That's just 12 times a year! That's far from the normal frequency for a couple in their early twenties.

And she already said she spoke to him about on multiple occasions.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

What other reasons do you have for wanting to stay with this guy?


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## Dissonance (Dec 27, 2011)

AngelClare said:


> Yes, but once per month? That's just 12 times a year! That's far from the normal frequency for a couple in their early twenties.
> 
> And she already said she spoke to him about on multiple occasions.


Then she should threaten to break up with him and then see his reaction, leave a warning shot that this is seriously impacting the relationship between the two of them.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

Dissonance said:


> Then she should threaten to break up with him and then see his reaction, leave a warning shot that this is seriously impacting the relationship between the two of them.


I like this approach.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

masturbate


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## Reinah (Apr 10, 2013)

andy1984 said:


> masturbate


Sex is also about bonding. Masturbation, not so much. So I don't think that would work.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Seeing that you are in your 20's and young, I would suggest letting him know how you feel, how this seriously impacts your relationship. If he doesn't care, then break up. What is important to one partner, should be important to the other. If it isn't, its because that partner doesn't care about the other.

You could ask him to seek medical help. Like having his Testosterone/other hormones checked. If he really doesn't give a **** to try and work this out, then yeah leave him. Staying with him will only cause resentment, people usually don't change however much you want them to. They have to want to change.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Things never changed with my exes. 3 of them only wanted sex 2-4 times a week. I only had 1 ex that had a good sex drive and wanted it every day.


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## foe (Oct 10, 2010)

Try performing sexual acts that you two haven't done before.


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## Samtrix (Aug 22, 2011)

Spike his food with aphrodisiacs.
Or he could see a doctor about it, there are medical issues that can cause low sex drive.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

foe said:


> Try performing sexual acts that you two haven't done before.


That never works. You can't even get anything started if the other person won't let you. When my exes didn't want sex they'd just push my hand or me away and say they're tired or watching TV.


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

Reinah said:


> Sex is also about bonding. Masturbation, not so much. So I don't think that would work.


there are other ways to bond. there are no ways to change someone's sex drive that i know of.


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

andy1984 said:


> masturbate


i do a LOT



Dissonance said:


> Then she should threaten to break up with him and then see his reaction, leave a warning shot that this is seriously impacting the relationship between the two of them.


I think he would just agree because he's afraid of me cheating


ashli116 said:


> That is one unhealthy relationship...not because of the lack of sex, but because it seems to be the only interesting part of the relationship.


I'm glad you know so much of my relationship.



foe said:


> Try performing sexual acts that you two haven't done before.


If i could get him to do sexual acts i would. I like experimenting. He doesn't. 


life01 said:


> imho how important is sex to you, if he is a good partner and how much do love him,if he isnt interested in sex, but is your soulmate maybe suggest a compromise = you sleep with other men, but dont become emotionally attached to them= better than breaking up


Me sleeping with someone else with no emotional attachment would be the best solution for me, but he would never go for it

Thanks for everyone posting. Yeah you can't do anything new if i can't do anything at all! I have had this convo with him 3 times already and nothing ever changes. I know you can't change people but it wasn't originally like this.

I am completely out of my mind weird and he appreciates it and gets it. We can be completely comfortable with each other. We do have a lot of fun together. He seems more of my best friend than a best friend and a lover though.


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## Owl-99 (Mar 7, 2012)

Some people are just never satisfied!


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

tannasg said:


> Some people are just never satisfied!


I can be satisfied. I would just like him to try once in a while. I don't think that's quite so much to ask.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

I once ended a relationship over my gf having a lower sex drive than me towards the last year of our relationship (less than once a month). It wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the main ones. I talked to her about it and she seemed to think that I should try to do more to get her in the mood. But after the conversation, most nights when we would lay together she should lay 6 inches or so away, under my arm but not against me, unless she was in the mood. And I felt like that space between us spoke volumes for the rest of the relationship. I still tried a few times when she was distant, but it never worked, she'd just pull my hand away. And at that point, I had to ask myself if it was still worth it with infrequent sex, and the lack of support and the distance that was created weighted in and I decided to let her go. People can change if they want to, but only if they want to. If you're upset, it should matter, period. I'm not saying that you should break up with the guy, I'm just saying that for me it created doubt in the relationship and that doubt just grew over time.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

komorikun said:


> Things never changed with my exes. 3 of them only wanted sex 2-4 times a week. I only had 1 ex that had a good sex drive and wanted it every day.


I would have thought having sex times 4 times a week would be considered healthy, but I guess everyone's sex drive is different.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

depressedkat said:


> i do a LOT
> 
> I think he would just agree because he's afraid of me cheating
> 
> ...


A relationship without sex, is just a good friendship.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

Noca said:


> A relationship without sex, is just a good friendship.


Yep, pretty much. I mean there's kissing and cuddling, but it's still not the same.


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## Edlem (Apr 18, 2013)

I have zero sympathy for you, but if he's not fulfilling your sexual needs find a man who can. It shouldn't be too hard!


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

I used to have a higher sex drive. It was to the point that I was a pest about it. I don't know if it has subsided over the years or if I'm just afraid of annoying her with it so I don't go for it as much now. I test the waters and see how receptive she is and if I get nothing then I drop it. She has to at least be willing to be in the mood for anythign to happen. If she isn't then foreplay is an annoyance to her.

It's something I have just learned to live with.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Aces_Shy said:


> I would have thought having sex times 4 times a week would be considered healthy, but I guess everyone's sex drive is different.


That is only because I pushed for it. It probably would have been 2 (3 at best) times a week if I waited for them.


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## General Specific (Mar 4, 2008)

komorikun said:


> That is only because I pushed for it. It probably would have been 2 (3 at best) times a week if I waited for them.


Oh fair enough. That sucks your exes weren't more sexually compatible with you.


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

Noca said:


> A relationship without sex, is just a good friendship.


But I wouldn't want to lose that friendship.


TheManInTheRedSuit said:


> I once ended a relationship over my gf having a lower sex drive than me towards the last year of our relationship (less than once a month). It wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the main ones. I talked to her about it and she seemed to think that I should try to do more to get her in the mood. But after the conversation, most nights when we would lay together she should lay 6 inches or so away, under my arm but not against me, unless she was in the mood. And I felt like that space between us spoke volumes for the rest of the relationship. I still tried a few times when she was distant, but it never worked, she'd just pull my hand away. And at that point, I had to ask myself if it was still worth it with infrequent sex, and the lack of support and the distance that was created weighted in and I decided to let her go. People can change if they want to, but only if they want to. If you're upset, it should matter, period. I'm not saying that you should break up with the guy, I'm just saying that for me it created doubt in the relationship and that doubt just grew over time.


Yeah that's how he is. He says I should do more but if I make an advance unless he's in the mood he turns me down. I've put on something he likes and he'll be look you look good but not tonight. Most nights if we are both home he does his thing on the internet and I do mine. I just don't want to make a mistake either way.


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

depressedkat said:


> I just don't want to make a mistake either way.


You can't think like that, you'll never make a decision that way. You are imaging tragic outcomes to both decisions, so of course you're not going to want to choose either one. Watch this video on subconscious mind control. Your subconscious mind works on images, which is why subliminal messages work.






You just have to ask yourself what you think is best for you. What do you want the most? What are you afraid of the most?


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

TheManInTheRedSuit said:


> You can't think like that, you'll never make a decision that way. You are imaging tragic outcomes to both decisions, so of course you're not going to want to choose either one. Watch this video on subconscious mind control. Your subconscious mind works on images, which is why subliminal messages work.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have you tried doing this?


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

6 things to try

I broke up with my previous partner of 3 years because of differences in libido. It seemed unfixable and caused a lot of stress and arguing.

Certainly keep talking about it and make sure he knows the gravity of the situation. He needs to know how it makes you feel, not just that you want something that he doesn't.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

komorikun said:


> Things never changed with my exes. 3 of them only wanted sex 2-4 times a week. I only had 1 ex that had a good sex drive and wanted it every day.


Yikes. 2-4 times a week is what we have now. After being the relationship for several years, isn't it normal for the daily sex to wind down? If you don't mind me asking, how long were you with the guy that wanted to have sex every day?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

nubly said:


> Yikes. 2-4 times a week is what we have now. After being the relationship for several years, isn't it normal for the daily sex to wind down? If you don't mind me asking, how long were you with the guy that wanted to have sex every day?


3 years.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

komorikun said:


> 3 years.


And even at the end of those three years he wanted sex every day?


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

nubly said:


> And even at the end of those three years he wanted sex every day?


Yeah, I think so if memory serves me correctly. The only problem was I went on the pill for over a year and that destroyed my sex drive, so he didn't get to have sex everyday. Even after I stopped taking the pill it took maybe a year for my sex drive to recover.

We lived right next to his workplace and he'd come home for lunch and try for a quickie often times (this besides the night sex).


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

No woman should take a poll for. Male birth control!


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## TheManInTheRedSuit (Mar 30, 2013)

depressedkat said:


> Have you tried doing this?


Which part? The positive imaging or the fears and wants list? Well, the answer to both is yes haha. I imagine positive things by day dreaming about situations going well, even impossibly well (I once kicked the assess of everyone in the bar at the same time in my mind, it was awesome :boogie) If it's hard for you to imagine doing well in situations, you can try this technique he shows in the 2nd episode: 




When I daydream I tend to have a better mood throughout the day, and that helps me choose the more positive option in life.

The fears and wants list is to show you your motivations. And which ones you are following and which ones are being neglected. Your greatest want may be a dream to become a doctor. And your greatest fear may be to be alone. Then you can see Okay I'm deciding based on fears instead of wants.


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## TheDiviner (Mar 29, 2013)

I have been with my wife for 5 years now and the sex is still amazing, we have sex everyday sometimes even 3 times a day. We are both healthy, active people but we do a lot of things to keep things fresh and there is a lot of affection and love to go along with our the pure animal lust we have for each other...lol.


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## kippered beef (Apr 20, 2013)

i'll give you the D


Thanks im an allstar


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## sir robbins (Apr 13, 2013)

I DREAM of a sexless relationship.... forever alone I guess. No one else around me wants one


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

TheDiviner said:


> I have been with my wife for 5 years now and the sex is still amazing, we have sex everyday sometimes even 3 times a day. We are both healthy, active people but we do a lot of things to keep things fresh and there is a lot of affection and love to go along with our the pure animal lust we have for each other...lol.


Damn I envy you.


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## Royals (Jul 20, 2012)

A relationship is more than just sex. It is about sharing happy moments, doing things together, laughing, supporting each other, being friends; communication. I mean, breaking a relationship because of sex? Be happy with the things you get. You can always masturbait


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## bucky0hare (Apr 17, 2013)

Maybe he has performance anxiety? Maybe he has anxiety about his size? How big is he? Why don't you try Viagra. You'll be getting it 2-3 times a day and then i bet he wakes up with morning glory and you'll be getting it then too. Worked for me :yes


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

TheDiviner said:


> I have been with my wife for 5 years now and the sex is still amazing, we have sex everyday sometimes even 3 times a day. We are both healthy, active people but we do a lot of things to keep things fresh and there is a lot of affection and love to go along with our the pure animal lust we have for each other...lol.


Wow, you're living the dream. Know that you are a very lucky man.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Encourage your boyfriend to get his testosterone levels checked. I have had a low testosterone problem ever since I was sexually active. It wasn't until last year that I discovered that I was deficient in testosterone. Now I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. Just because you are a young man doesn't mean that you can't have a physical problem with you. I wish I had went to a doctor about this when I was 18, instead of 26. They started me on 5g of 1% testosterone gel. I've been on it for a month. I don't think it's working quite yet. I have to either keep at it or they need to increase my dose. I still get fatigued rather easily. I haven't been "intimiate" with a woman in 3 months (I have had athlete's foot for the past couple weeks so I can't just jump right into it right now) so I have yet to test my erection quality with the stuff.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

phoenixwright said:


> Encourage your boyfriend to get his testosterone levels checked. I have had a low testosterone problem ever since I was sexually active. It wasn't until last year that I discovered that I was deficient in testosterone. Now I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. Just because you are a young man doesn't mean that you can't have a physical problem with you. I wish I had went to a doctor about this when I was 18, instead of 26. They started me on 5g of 1% testosterone gel. I've been on it for a month. I don't think it's working quite yet. I have to either keep at it or they need to increase my dose. I still get fatigued rather easily. I haven't been "intimiate" with a woman in 3 months (I have had athlete's foot for the past couple weeks so I can't just jump right into it right now) so I have yet to test my erection quality with the stuff.


Will it shrink your nuts? I would take testosterone for more energy and motivation if not for that fear.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

AngelClare said:


> Will it shrink your nuts? I would take testosterone for more energy and motivation if not for that fear.


Not if you take HCG along with it.


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## Christa25 (Oct 2, 2010)

I was in your exact same situation with my ex of 2 years. When we first started dating, we would have sex about 2 times a week. That was not ideally enough for me, but I dealt with it. Preferably I would have been having sex at least once or twice a day. After we moved in with one another, it started to become once a week, then once every two weeks and just kept getting worse and worse. His sex drive was never ever really high and I sucked it up and dealt with it.
Ironically enough, HE ended up cheating on ME.
There's nothing you can really do about it, but talk to him. I tried to talk to my ex but he didn't understand and just thought that if he didn't have a high sex drive, then I shouldn't either. It was sad. I had more fun sexual experiences after we broke up.


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## depressedkat (Dec 10, 2012)

TheDiviner said:


> I have been with my wife for 5 years now and the sex is still amazing, we have sex everyday sometimes even 3 times a day. We are both healthy, active people but we do a lot of things to keep things fresh and there is a lot of affection and love to go along with our the pure animal lust we have for each other...lol.


I want this one day!



Royals said:


> A relationship is more than just sex. It is about sharing happy moments, doing things together, laughing, supporting each other, being friends; communication. I mean, breaking a relationship because of sex? Be happy with the things you get. You can always masturbait


No sex isn't everything, but i do believe it is important. Masturbating just isn't the same as sex. Especially awesome sex



phoenixwright said:


> Encourage your boyfriend to get his testosterone levels checked. I have had a low testosterone problem ever since I was sexually active. It wasn't until last year that I discovered that I was deficient in testosterone. Now I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. Just because you are a young man doesn't mean that you can't have a physical problem with you. I wish I had went to a doctor about this when I was 18, instead of 26. They started me on 5g of 1% testosterone gel. I've been on it for a month. I don't think it's working quite yet. I have to either keep at it or they need to increase my dose. I still get fatigued rather easily. I haven't been "intimiate" with a woman in 3 months (I have had athlete's foot for the past couple weeks so I can't just jump right into it right now) so I have yet to test my erection quality with the stuff.


I have thought about this...I don't think i could just say hey go get your hormones checked though.


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

sir robbins said:


> I DREAM of a sexless relationship.... forever alone I guess. No one else around me wants one


People like Janeane Garofalo have done so.


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## michijo (Nov 12, 2011)

I want basically the same thing, a monogamous relationship with sex every day or every other day. Whenever I had a girlfriend, we generally did sex a lot. Though she added stress by constantly battling against monogamy. She may have been a demon or "dragon woman", a femme fatale.


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