# Is it not all about looks?



## meesha327 (Mar 15, 2007)

Initially I know that looks attract people to one another, so why have I never had a boyfriend? I seriously don't think I'm ugly at all and actually I think I'm quite cute. When I went to Italy it confirmed my belief that I'm not ugly because the men there just come right up to you. It just doesn't happen like that here in America. SO is it not all about looks then? If a girl is completely shy is she completely hopeless no matter how cute she is? In that case I guess I'm screwed. I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend that when I do get one they will think I'm totally weird.Oy vey.......


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## JeffreyCentex (Jan 25, 2004)

It isn't all about looks.. If it was, I would have never had a girlfriend... It all depends on the guy. I don't care at all about looks. To me, it is how you act and whatever parts of your personality I can pick up on.

No, a girl who is completely shy isn't hopeless. Keep looking. Sooner or later you will find someone. And you are still young...


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## RUFB2327 (Sep 28, 2008)

i dont really know...i dont think being really shy matters that much, especially when it comes to girls

im sure there are a lot of guys that would like to come up and talk to you, but maybe they are also shy and are uncomfortable going up to a girl and trying to start a conversation

i know whenever i see a girl i think is attractive and would like to talk to them, i usually never do because im shy and cant approach them

i know none of this probably helped you, but i really wouldnt worry about it too much, you will get a bf eventually


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Are you not getting approached or talked to at all? 

Our SA symptoms are very often misread by other people as lack of interest, rudeness, coldness, and all sorts of other fun stuff like that. So, if they ARE talking to you, maybe you're coming off as uninterested. If they're not talking to you at all, maybe your demeanor reads as "don't you dare approach me" and they're not even bothering to try.

Or maybe you're just not putting yourself in enough situations where a guy feels it's OK to approach you. (The difference between being in an isolated corner of a library while wearing earphones vs. sitting alone at an open table, without the earphones and not looking too enthralled with your work.)


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## JeffreyCentex (Jan 25, 2004)

Yeah.. There's a lot of people I'd like to talk to but I'm too chicken to do it. Self Esteem, man... I have virtually zero self esteem in regards to meeting people. I have plenty when I work or in work settings, but personally I'm zero...


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I don't know, if the girl is so shy that she totally avoids people at all cost, she probably isn't going to have much luck unless she takes a few chances. I'm speaking from personal experience. If anyone comes up to me, I just get myself out of the situation as soon as possible, and then avoid them for the rest of my life in the hope that they will never try to speak to me again. If you do that each and every time, then your chances of getting a date are pretty bleak, to be honest. I tell myself this, but it's done nothing to change my behavior. I don't think it matters how cute the girl is, if she brushes everyone else off and isolates herself from the world, then it's not going to make for a very profitable love life.


edit: Is there a banner still blocking the middle of my post? This new forum is pissing me off.


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

I think it's more about personality.


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

Well, I certainly hope it's not all about looks. Why would you want it to be?


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

Post a pic


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

meesha327 said:


> Initially I know that looks attract people to one another, so why have I never had a boyfriend? I seriously don't think I'm ugly at all and actually I think I'm quite cute. When I went to Italy it confirmed my belief that I'm not ugly because the men there just come right up to you. It just doesn't happen like that here in America. SO is it not all about looks then? If a girl is completely shy is she completely hopeless no matter how cute she is? In that case I guess I'm screwed. I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend that when I do get one they will think I'm totally weird.Oy vey.......


If it were me I would go for the shy girl. I am a lot more attracted to shy girls than outgoing ones. I think shyness is cute. And I think they are generally more down to earth and nicer, though of course everyone is different and shyness doesn't necessarily translate into these things.


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

Drella said:


> I'm speaking from personal experience. If anyone comes up to me, I just get myself out of the situation as soon as possible, and then avoid them for the rest of my life in the hope that they will never try to speak to me again.


Why do you do this, Drella? Are you just extremely fearful of all social contact? Or is it a behavioral habit you can't get out of? Do you wish you could talk to them or are you a "loner" and are annoyed by social contact?


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## meesha327 (Mar 15, 2007)

smalltowngirl said:


> Well, I certainly hope it's not all about looks. Why would you want it to be?


Looks is shallow I know, but being shy it's the only thing I have going for me to attract people to me. So yeah I'm a shallow ******* but please understand that it's because I'm shy that I say this. I have a good personality, when I want to but no one knows that b/c I barely speak unless spoken to. By no means am I Adriana Lima but I don't think I'm ugly either. I don't judge people by the way they look but I realize society does so yeah that's all I have at this point....appearance. Lame I know......


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Being shy is different for men and women, since it's the standard for men to approach. It's more uncommon for shy women to be single than shy men.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

dax said:


> Why do you do this, Drella? Are you just extremely fearful of all social contact? Or is it a behavioral habit you can't get out of? Do you wish you could talk to them or are you a "loner" and are annoyed by social contact?


I'm just afraid. I haven't had much experience with social interaction, so something like that puts me so far out of my element that it's overwhelming and I don't know how else to react.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It is NOT all about looks - face it, we ALL age. If you find the right guy, neither of you will be pretteh as you are when you first met. That's where personality takes over. :yes


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## Strategist (May 20, 2008)

millenniumman75 said:


> It is NOT all about looks - face it, we ALL age. If you find the right guy, neither of you will be pretteh as you are when you first met. That's where personality takes over. :yes


:ditto probably not the best idea to value your looks too highly


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## 99x (Oct 4, 2007)

There's a contradiction when it comes to how I view my own looks. It sounds conceited, but I think I'm really good looking. I don't look in the mirror everyday and go "damn I look good" but I go off of what other people say. Friends, family, and alot of random people have remarked about my looks. I'm always hearing things like "she thought you were cute" "alot of the girls at work are calling you the 'hot' guy" and I get stares. I've only had one girlfriend though. Some girls have approached me, but most of the time I hear these things from other people. I think I'm just soooo quiet or often look like I don't want to be bothered. 

My standards are way too high and I really hate that about myself because while I'm above average I always go after these super model types that can have the best looking guys which I know I am not. I feel so shallow going after beautiful women, but what the hell am I suppose to go off of when I never get chances to get to know who they are first. I definitely try to read their body language to see if they seems nice or stuck up, but I'm really really bad at reading people. A girl can be beautiful, but being kind and smart is just as important.


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## aloss4words (Jul 17, 2007)

I don't think that it is all about looks. You have to find someone that you like spending time with and whose personality you like. There is this guy that says he thinks I'm good looking but he still doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Looks do matter, but it certainly isn't about looks. Being shy is a huge handicap in the dating game or relationships all together IMO. It is really how you project yourself, there are average looking girls who I find very cute because the way they're able to communicate or express themselves, body language is so important, I even think a good posture make you look younger. The way you move the eyes, just so many small cues or even the voice, I mean unless you're not fat or a burn victim...I think it is really helped me just to go with the flow, allow your face to show expressions...I mean I think most people are emotional in general, ride that rollercoaster that is life.

If your expression never changes and you act very dull, I don't know it isn't exciting and also comes off that you're not interested at all.


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## demoneyeskyo (Oct 23, 2006)

I place a lot of emphasis on personality. But in terms of looks she has to have them too in the sense that she takes good care of herself. Like if she has acne I want her to care enough to do something about it. She should be a decent dresser and does not have unkempt hair. And if she is overweight I want her to at least make an effort to change it to show me that she cares about her health.


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## foreveralone (Oct 31, 2008)

I know how you feel...my whole life everyone has been telling me how pretty I am, but I am nineteen and have never had a boyfriend. I think it all boils down to confidence and self esteem- I always thought that I was horrible looking and that no one would ever like me, but in reality I just didn't have confidence in myself. 
Also, I think that most people meet their partners through friends, and if you don't really have any friends, like a lot of people with SA, than you have a lot less chance of meeting potential boyfriends. Someone said to me one that you can't meet anyone if you don't go outside...it's very true.:sigh


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## sanspants08 (Oct 21, 2008)

In my area, pretty girls are bombarded with men, regardless of personality, intelligence, or self-esteem. I can't stress that enough. Seriously, the attractive ones can't cross a parking lot around here without tripping over a would-be suitor.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

sanspants08 said:


> In my area, pretty girls are bombarded with men, regardless of personality, intelligence, or self-esteem. I can't stress that enough. Seriously, the attractive ones can't cross a parking lot around here without tripping over a would-be suitor.


Which probably exacerbates the her anxiety.


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

it seems to me it's all about looks and money. personality helps.


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## alex999 (Oct 21, 2008)

I think looks are crucial for initial attraction. It's the first thing you notice when meeting someone for the first time. If someone is physically unattractive it can be a barrier at first.

I think my perception of my looks is what holds me back from relationships...I am kind of short compared to most guys (only 5 foot 8, maybe) and it seems like girls want guys who are 6 foot or taller. I've gotten to know a few girls but I felt they were not attracted to me because they were my height or taller. I also think I look kind of young for my age, which is also a huge barrier esp. when trying to meet people for the first time. I don't know if girls my age (i'm in my 20's) would want to be seen with a guy that still looked like a teen.


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## jellyfish (Jul 3, 2008)

alex999 said:


> I am kind of short compared to most guys (only 5 foot 8, maybe)


Whoa, what? is that really below average? 5'8" is _tall_ to me, and I love tall dudes. This is excellent news. :3


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

orpheus said:


> it seems to me it's all about looks and money. personality helps.


Sadly, I'd have to agree.


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## Vincenzo II (Oct 19, 2008)

Drella said:


> you're chances of getting a date


.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Vincenzo II said:


> .


****ing goddamn it. I deserve to be hit by a bus.


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Chemistry and attraction isn't black and white. It's not one or the other it's the right balance of both for a certain individual. Some people need a very attractive person and I don't think anything is wrong with that. If someone who would be considered average or less had a wonderful personality and no one understood me better then he would also become more attractive in his looks the more I fell inlove. As long as you can be turned on by the person then looks don't matter. (Some people just flat out arn't going to do it for you though.. bad looks and personality mixed. Or some bad looks are just things you can't look past... 500 pound smelly bearded troll man with the greatest personality of life LOL I couldn't do him.. ).


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## Want2Bconfident (Sep 14, 2008)

Its a difficult question. Good looking people who are single but don't have much confidence in their personality will say its about personality, whilst those who have a lot of confidence in their personality but no confidence in their looks will say its all about looks. 

Confidence is a huge factor. Anyone who lacks confidence is going to struggle. 

I just don't know to be honest. My past experience and what I see is that looks are very important. There are two guys at work who are good looking guys and both get a lot of interest from women. Both have received a few emails from women they don't know asking them out on a date. But at the same time I know guys like good looking women. Anyone who thinks its just about personality, believe me it isn't, you need to look decent in order to have the opposite sex attracted to you. 

I guess it all depends on the person. I am not great looking at all, but I do make a lot of effort to look my best, and for me I like women who have a great personality, and looks only matter in terms of I wouldn't find a woman who is very obese attractive, but could probably find any woman who wasn't obese and has a great personality as very attractive. 
Of course I find attractive women beautiful and I think wow they are nice, but I also find women with great personality so attractive too. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we all like different things, and thank goodness we do! 

I don't blame people who are interested mainly in looks, I don't think people like that should be made to feel bad, we all like different things. 
I don't know the reality of my situation. I know I look the best I ever have done now. I had a lot of nasty comments in my school years about how I looked and it really ruined my confidence and self esteem, but at the same time I have dated a few nice women. But the lack of interest in me and the loads of nasty comments from the past have left me believing I am ugly. I don't know the reality any more. (Don't ask me to post a pic!)

I do believe though that looks matter less and less as we get older.


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## MeganC (Nov 23, 2008)

Looks are definitely important, but if that's all you have going for you, good luck. I'd rather be with the 6 with a sense of humor who knows how to have a good time than the 10 who doesn't try because the very fact that he graces us with his presence should be enough.


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