# Hubby Doesn't Find Me Attractive



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

*So I hate the way I look already, and he readily admits that I'm not attractive enough. He wants someone who looks young and cute, while I look like some ones grandmother (I have literally had comments on "how I look so good for my age" because I look 35 instead of in my late 40's...I was 19 at the time). I don't really know what to do because I can't "pretty" myself up, and I'm too scared to go to any of the beauty shops in my home town for tips. Not to mention I've been over weight since grade 7, which hasn't helped my case. (I can't diet at the moment, I'm pregnant and don't need the doctors on my butt for it) I have no idea what to do, can anyone help me?* ar


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

Your husband sounds like a dick. He chose to marry you, so obviously he must find you attractive. You say you've been overweight since 7th grade, so it's not like you gained a lot of weight or that your appearance has changed much. What he's probably doing is trying to prey on your insecurities. Some people will do this, I was with a couple guys who did, and it wrecked me when I was with them --- I still have some anger and insecurities related to those relationships. But what I've learned is that you need to stand up for yourself. I realize that with a baby on the way it might not be so easy as to just dump this guy. But if you talk to him about how his comments make you feel and he continues to put you down... That's not going to be a good environment for you or your child. I'm sorry you're in this situation.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

How far along in the pregnancy are you?


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Your husband might have "settled". Lots of women do the same when they marry their hubbies. Women are probably more likely to "settle" than men are actually. Lots of men are scared ****less of commitment (But will have sex with almost anything with human female genitalia).


----------



## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Sounds like you picked a winner.


----------



## Perkins (Dec 14, 2010)

He sounds awful. Bringing a child into this equation will only make it worse on the child and you. Honestly, you should leave.


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

phoenixwright said:


> Your husband might have "settled". Lots of women do the same when they marry their hubbies. Women are probably more likely to "settle" than men are actually. Lots of men are scared ****less of commitment (But will have sex with almost anything with human female genitalia).


If he didn't love her and want to be with her, that's his problem, but he has no right to let on that he "settled" (though I doubt this is the case). No matter how beautiful a girl is, inside and out, there are some people out there who will say cruel things to them that are undeserved and probably also untrue. I don't care who you are, you NEVER tell a lover that they are unattractive to you. If someone truly loves you and wants the best for you they will find you the most beautiful thing on the planet.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

He truly loves me, doesn't look at other women, tells me I'm pretty and tries to make me feel good in general, but says that he just isn't attracted to me. He likes certain traits and I can't fake them, and I really don't want to get extensive surgery to make myself into what he wants.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

komorikun said:


> How far along in the pregnancy are you?


22 weeks, and we have another little boy as well


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

I don't think that's "truly loving" you then. A wife isn't "pretty but not attractive" to a caring husband. Why did he choose to marry you if that's really how he feels? Seriously, this sounds like emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to consider getting plastic surgery just to satisfy someone who's supposed to be there for you and care for you through thick and thin.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

He's my best friend, I'm his best friend. We get along perfectly, but he's attracted to these teeny little Japanese girls that have big eyes. I guess it's more like I'm not his preference in looks, but it still hurts.


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

leogal said:


> He's my best friend, I'm his best friend. We get along perfectly, but he's attracted to these teeny little Japanese girls that have big eyes. I guess it's more like I'm not his preference in looks, but it still hurts.


THEN WHY THE **** DID HE GET WITH YOU?? (Yellling at him, not you)


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

Well ask yourself, is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? Believing that you can never be enough in your husband's eyes? Maybe even worrying he will cheat? I don't understand why he'd choose to marry at such a young age someone who was not his "type." You probably don't want to hear bad things about your husband because right now your instinct is to defend him, but if he's telling you that you are not attractive, something is not right in this relationship.


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

rymo said:


> THEN WHY THE **** DID HE GET WITH YOU?? (Yellling at him, not you)


Hit the nail on the head, exactly. Whether he's just carelessly honest or whether he's manipulating you and purposely putting you down, this guy is being a jerk.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

We don't consider ourselves to be too young, and we do truly love each other but I just find it difficult to handle that he doesn't think I'm sexy. Pretty, yes, beautiful inside, yes, attractive, not so much.


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

I would disagree, I think 22 is quite young --- but that's besides the point. Just be careful with this relationship, I don't know him and I don't really know you, but if you were upset enough to make a thread, then there's a problem in the relationship that's not going to go away. He could've married a little Asian girl if those traits were so damn important, instead of complaining to you that you aren't small or Asian enough. :/ Best of luck.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

I think he mentioned it more out of frustration than anything. I've been rather pushy lately and I think it's getting to him.


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

leogal said:


> I think he mentioned it more out of frustration than anything. I've been rather pushy lately and I think it's getting to him.


You keep making excuses for him but saying to your WIFE who you're having KIDS with that you don't find her attractive...I mean that is beyond a low blow and uncalled for no matter how frustrated or mad he may be. Also, the way you've described it, it seems like this is something he has mentioned on multiple occasions as opposed to being just a crime of passion. I don't have any real advice except to talk to him about it. He's mentioning it for a reason, so find out what's really behind it.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

rymo said:


> You keep making excuses for him but saying to your WIFE who you're having KIDS with that you don't find her attractive...I mean that is beyond a low blow and uncalled for no matter how frustrated or mad he may be. Also, the way you've described it, it seems like this is something he has mentioned on multiple occasions as opposed to being just a crime of passion. I don't have any real advice except to talk to him about it. He's mentioning it for a reason, so find out what's really behind it.


He's said it maybe 3 times during this pregnancy. I asked him a few times about it and it usually ends up with him mentioning a diet I should go on, or a place I should go shopping for those striped socks and underwear you see on all those Japanese girls at our local collage. He also has hinted at me dying my hair black, which if you've seen my skin tone you would know is impossible (sorry, took 4 years of cosmetology and it kinda stuck with me a bit). I'm just frustrated with this and wonder if I should give in or not.


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

leogal said:


> He's said it maybe 3 times during this pregnancy. I asked him a few times about it and it usually ends up with him mentioning a diet I should go on, or a place I should go shopping for those striped socks and underwear you see on all those Japanese girls at our local collage. He also has hinted at me dying my hair black, which if you've seen my skin tone you would know is impossible (sorry, took 4 years of cosmetology and it kinda stuck with me a bit). I'm just frustrated with this and wonder if I should give in or not.


Give in to his childish Japanese schoolgirl fantasies? Mmm...no. Temporary solution, so what's the point? I'm not saying you guys shouldn't roleplay here and there during sex, but to completely change your appearance to satisfy his yellow fever? No.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

Small, black haired girls are his preferences, and not just a fantasy. He grew up around those type girls, and to be honest I think he figures all girls should look like that. His mom still looks like that except she has a few extra pounds. I'm Scottish, English, Ukrainian, blue eyes, strawberry-blonde hair. I just wonder what I can do to make him think I'm more attractive.


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

Your husband is a dick.
Here's what you do: leave the dick.
He's going to pull your self-esteem into the abyss.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

Jollygoggles said:


> Your husband is a dick.
> Here's what you do: leave the dick.
> He's going to pull your self-esteem into the abyss.


I've never had self-esteem. To be honest he's been trying to get me more out there. I have just been failing hard because of my own insecurities.


----------



## coldsorehighlighter (Jun 2, 2010)

leogal said:


> Small, black haired girls are his preferences, and not just a fantasy. He grew up around those type girls, and to be honest I think he figures all girls should look like that. His mom still looks like that except she has a few extra pounds. I'm Scottish, English, Ukrainian, blue eyes, strawberry-blonde hair. I just wonder what I can do to make him think I'm more attractive.


Did you know this before you got married and got pregnant? You shouldn't have to work super hard for your husband to think you're attractive...he shouldn't have married you, otherwise.

I feel bad for you. Is couple's therapy an option? It should be, mainly because there is going to be a child involved, and making the relationship work is now worth every bit of effort.

Overall, I'd say he needs to change far more than you do.


----------



## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

Dtmfa.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

If you didn't have a kid I'd suggest you leave him. Since you have kids, I suggest you stay until you can support yourself but be prepared for eventual divorce. So find a decent paying job and if that is not possible, go back to school and try to get some qualifications/skills.


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

Your husband
the guy that out of all the people that any married woman should expect to have her back and make her feel good
is telling you you don't look good.

I can't spell it out simply enough.

My mum and dad are married thirty years. In that time my mum has lost weight, gained weight, lost all her hair through chemotherapy and had it come back slowly in all kinds of states, had a mastectomy... my dad has not once, not a single time, made her feel in anyway remotely inadequate for the way she looked.

When I read things like this my blood boils because I can guarantee you I've learned how it should be done from one of the best.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

the cheat said:


> Did you know this before you got married and got pregnant? You shouldn't have to work super hard for your husband to think you're attractive...he shouldn't have married you, otherwise.
> 
> I feel bad for you. Is couple's therapy an option? It should be, mainly because there is going to be a child involved, and making the relationship work is now worth every bit of effort.
> 
> Overall, I'd say he needs to change far more than you do.


We had been just friends for 2 years, dated for a year and a half and married for just over 2 years now. I knew he had mainly dated little black haired girls before me, but I didn't really think much about it. I hadn't really dated anyone like him before either (when I met him he was a goth and kind of scared the living day light out of me), but after I started hanging out with him I realized it was mostly because he couldn't afford to dress better. I got him a job where I worked and helped him shop for things he liked, and I found I was more attracted to him than I thought. I had a crush on him for about a yearish, before he asked me out (he must have thought I was some what attractive at the time right?). We dated for a year and he proposed (kind of) on our anniversary while we were at the mall. I really didn't think there was anything wrong until a few months ago when he started mentioning how big I was getting, and how cute I would look with black hair.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

komorikun said:


> If you didn't have a kid I'd suggest you leave him. Since you have kids, I suggest you stay until you can support yourself but be prepared for eventual divorce. So find a decent paying job and if that is not possible, go back to school and try to get some qualifications/skills.


I have a degree in design studies, have choice of over a dozen prime jobs in a larger city 8 hrs away, and refuse to even consider divorce. Divorce is an escape people use for crappy reasons, "falling out of love" being one. The only true reason for divorce is is he is abusing or threatening you. I feel that he has done neither.


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

leogal said:


> I have a degree in design studies, have choice of over a dozen prime jobs in a larger city 8 hrs away, and refuse to even consider divorce. Divorce is an escape people use for crappy reasons, "falling out of love" being one. The only true reason for divorce is is he is abusing or threatening you. I feel that he has done neither.


This is probably the saddest thing I've read in a long, long time. I feel sorry for you if you think that being married to someone that you're not in love with is OKAY. Is it an escape? Yes. It's an escape from an unhappy life in order to find happiness, and there's nothing wrong with that.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

rymo said:


> This is probably the saddest thing I've read in a long, long time. I feel sorry for you if you think that being married to someone that you're not in love with is OKAY. Is it an escape? Yes. It's an escape from an unhappy life in order to find happiness, and there's nothing wrong with that.


You were once in love with them. Find the coal and reignite the flame. Don't escape because the grass looks greener on the other side, it's usually an illusion that will lead to dead grass with cow poo.


----------



## 87wayz (Jul 5, 2012)

Probably a tactic to get you on the treadmill after u have the kid. Its usually all downhill from there. Its not right though.


----------



## Jollygoggles (Mar 3, 2011)

It's that age old cliché really:
Boy meets girl.
Boy and girl fall in love.
Boy marries girl.
Boy wants girl to look more Japanese.


----------



## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

I'm sorry, but commenting to you that he doesn't find you attractive _while you are pregnant_ is horrid. Tell him to go **** himself instead next time.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

leogal said:


> We had been just friends for 2 years, dated for a year and a half and married for just over 2 years now. I knew he had mainly dated little black haired girls before me, but I didn't really think much about it. I hadn't really dated anyone like him before either (when I met him he was a goth and kind of scared the living day light out of me), but after I started hanging out with him I realized it was mostly because he couldn't afford to dress better. I got him a job where I worked and helped him shop for things he liked, and I found I was more attracted to him than I thought. I had a crush on him for about a yearish, before he asked me out (he must have thought I was some what attractive at the time right?). We dated for a year and he proposed (kind of) on our anniversary while we were at the mall. I really didn't think there was anything wrong until a few months ago when he started mentioning how big I was getting, and how cute I would look with black hair.


Oh so he only started commenting on your weight when you got pregnant? He didn't complain about your weight the first time you got pregnant? You'd think he'd be used to it the second time.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

What a dick, and you're making excuses for him. If he's bagging on your looks now (while you're pregnant, what an insensitive moron), what's going to happen when you actually do age significantly? 22 is not old, and he's saying you look like a _grandmother_, are you ****ing kidding me?!.. And what is a child going to grow up thinking in an environment like that?

*"I've never had self-esteem. To be honest he's been trying to get me more out there. I have just been failing hard because of my own insecurities."*

Sounds like he's dragging you back down, planting even more insecurities. That is not something a good husband would do.


----------



## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

leogal said:


> Small, black haired girls are his preferences, and not just a fantasy. He grew up around those type girls, and to be honest I think he figures all girls should look like that. His mom still looks like that except she has a few extra pounds. I'm Scottish, English, Ukrainian, blue eyes, strawberry-blonde hair. I just wonder what I can do to make him think I'm more attractive.


Then he should have married one of them. Sorry, but a marriage can't work without physical attraction. He's a dick and you should leave him for a man that truly appreciates you.


----------



## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

Nada said:


> Sounds like you picked a winner.


yup.


----------



## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

phoenixwright said:


> Your husband might have "settled". Lots of women do the same when they marry their hubbies. Women are probably more likely to "settle" than men are actually. Lots of men are scared ****less of commitment (But will have sex with almost anything with human female genitalia).


What a horrible and tactless thing to say to someone who is already hurting. I don't understand why you would say this to her. So you can get on your soapbox about how you think "lots" of women settle for men they aren't attracted to? How does this even relate to the OP, other than that it could make her feel worse about her own situation?


----------



## jonmorris73 (May 24, 2012)

.


----------



## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

jonmorris73 said:


> Well, we don't really know enough about the situation to tell her to just leave him. That seems a little hasty. Even she is saying there are plenty of other positives in the relationship.
> 
> Maybe he told her before they got married that her appearance was important to him? Maybe she knew what she was getting into? We just don't know.
> 
> ...


Sorry but to rag on your wife when she's pregnant for not being attractive and basically saying she's not even his type. What. The. ****. Sure, maybe she knew it from the beginning. Maybe he was desperate and got with someone who he wasn't attracted to out of loneliness, and she went along with it. Who knows? But regardless of the 100% actual context, there's no excuse to say those things. He's a dumbass. She was always overweight so being pregnant doesn't change that, and she was already pregnant once before. It sounds to me like he is not in love with her anymore and doesn't have the balls to do anything about it, so he blames her by insulting her appearance.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

jonmorris73 said:


> But this self-righteous rush to accuse him of being a dick on so little info? Come on.


self-righteous my ***. He said she looks like a grandma, she's 22. You don't say things like that to your wife, _period_. He's a dick.



rymo said:


> Sorry but to rag on your wife when she's pregnant for not being attractive and basically saying she's not even his type. What. The. ****. Sure, maybe she knew it from the beginning. Maybe he was desperate and got with someone who he wasn't attracted to out of loneliness, and she went along with it. Who knows? But regardless of the 100% actual context, there's no excuse to say those things. He's a dumbass. She was always overweight so being pregnant doesn't change that, and she was already pregnant once before. It sounds to me like he is not in love with her anymore and doesn't have the balls to do anything about it, so he blames her by insulting her appearance.


:yes


----------



## kreeper (May 21, 2008)

jonmorris73 said:


> Well, we don't really know enough about the situation to tell her to just leave him. That seems a little hasty. Even she is saying there are plenty of other positives in the relationship.
> 
> Maybe he told her before they got married that her appearance was important to him? Maybe she knew what she was getting into? We just don't know.
> 
> ...


There's having sexual needs --- "hey honey, I was thinking I'd like to tone up and train for a 10k, I think it would be fun if we did it together!" if she's gained a ton of weight (and not because she's pregnant or has some medical condition) --- and there's being a complete ******* who doesn't think about his wife's feelings. But if you'd read the OP's posts, you'd see that he wants her to dye her hair and look like a little Asian girl. That's like some guy I hypothetically married telling me, while I'm carrying his child no less, that I can't be attractive to him until I get butt implants and dye my hair pale blonde and stop going out in the sun because he has a thing for German porn stars.


----------



## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

While I can't help wondering what some people have in this thread already - why the _hell_ did he marry you if he wasn't attracted to you? - it's kind of moot at this point. It's done and in the past.

I'm not a believer in divorce, so I agree with you that it's not a good option. I believe that love is a choice, not a feeling, and that marriages can almost always be repaired if they're broken. Far too many people nowadays use the word 'love' when they really mean 'lust' or 'obsession'. Lust and obsession fade. That's when those people say they "fell out of love," which is BS. If love is a choice, you don't "fall out of" love, you make the choice to cease loving your partner.

That all being said, it's baffling to me why he's _telling_ you he's not attracted to you. That ain't right. You need to talk to him about this and how it makes you feel. SAS is nice for support sometimes, but opening a dialogue with your husband about this is the only way you're going to find peace with it.

Good luck with the baby


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

meeps said:


> self-righteous my ***. He said she looks like a grandma, she's 22. You don't say things like that to your wife, _period_. He's a dick.
> 
> :yes


HE didn't call me a grandma I had a CUSTOMER basically call me a grandma...


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I think you need to break up with him, and find someone who actually wants to be with you.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

identitycrisis said:


> While I can't help wondering what some people have in this thread already - why the _hell_ did he marry you if he wasn't attracted to you? - it's kind of moot at this point. It's done and in the past.
> 
> I'm not a believer in divorce, so I agree with you that it's not a good option. I believe that love is a choice, not a feeling, and that marriages can almost always be repaired if they're broken. Far too many people nowadays use the word 'love' when they really mean 'lust' or 'obsession'. Lust and obsession fade. That's when those people say they "fell out of love," which is BS. If love is a choice, you don't "fall out of" love, you make the choice to cease loving your partner.
> 
> ...


I think you have been the most helpful so far. I have addressed him on this and it seems like he finds me "unnatural" compared to the women he grew up with.


----------



## leogal (Jul 20, 2012)

WintersTale said:


> I think you need to break up with him, and find someone who actually wants to be with you.


I'm comfortable with him. He helps me get out of the house and tries really hard to help me make friends and get over my insecurities. He loves me and the babies, but he doesn't think I look natural. I just don't look like the women he grew up around, so he finds me unattractive. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean you can't love them. It just makes it harder. That's why I'm wondering if I should "normalize" myself or just say tuff titties.


----------



## Parcius (Jun 3, 2012)

Sounds like a psychopath


----------



## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

It seems like you are in an unhealthy relationship where he feeds off your need for him and you fulfill his narcissistic need to be all-important and call the shots. You're just staying there because you don't want to be out of your comfort zone even if any reasonable person realizes that being with someone who doesn't believe you to be the best (for them) is demeaning and the fact that he's literally told you that he doesn't find you attractive is ridiculously callous and selfish. I can understand where you're coming from because I've been there, but let me tell you, it doesn't end well. You need to realize that hanging onto someone who doesn't appreciate you in all ways gets old real fast.


----------



## saltyleaf (Dec 30, 2011)

that guy should not be your husband. nevertheless, he's shown his true colors so better late than never. all you can do is accept that he's not attractedt o you and go find someone who is.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

leogal said:


> HE didn't call me a grandma I had a CUSTOMER basically call me a grandma...


Ah, I read it wrong. Still, he's calling you "unnatural" looking (Which has very negative connotations..seriously, "unnatural?" as if one body type only is "natural":|). Basically, I still think he's a dick and that the relationship is unhealthy, for reasons others here have already explained.

And I really do not understand why some are against divorce period, sometimes it is for the best. I have seen cases in which it definitely was.

Have you asked him why he married you if he doesn't find you physically attractive? This is the first thing I'd want to know if I were in your shoes.


----------



## Taija (Nov 3, 2008)

identitycrisis said:


> I'm not a believer in divorce, so I agree with you that it's not a good option. I believe that love is a choice, not a feeling, and that marriages can almost always be repaired if they're broken. Far too many people nowadays use the word 'love' when they really mean 'lust' or 'obsession'. Lust and obsession fade. That's when those people say they "fell out of love," which is BS. If love is a choice, you don't "fall out of" love, you make the choice to cease loving your partner.


Well, if it's a choice, then why would someone _continue_ to choose to love someone who clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. Do you really think that people should stay with emotionally abusive people just because a divorce is somehow "giving up"?

There's nothing wrong with doing everything you can to save your marriage if you've truly loved your partner. But people change. Some of them become total aresholes. No woman should think they HAVE to stay with a guy who's only bringing them down.

I believe attraction is a part of love, and if you think your partner is nice and all but don't feel any passion towards them (like this guy doesn't seem to have), I don't believe it's truly love.

leogal - Please don't let him crush even the last bits of your self-esteem. You don't have to change for someone just because you're not his type.


----------



## Thinkerbell (Jul 8, 2012)

Saying someone is unattractive is considered insulting. Your husband is blatantly insulting you, and that is not cool. 
Is he your physical preference, leogal?


----------



## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

rymo said:


> You keep making excuses for him but saying to your WIFE who you're having KIDS with that you don't find her attractive...I mean that is beyond a low blow and uncalled for no matter how frustrated or mad he may be. Also, the way you've described it, it seems like this is something he has mentioned on multiple occasions as opposed to being just a crime of passion. I don't have any real advice except to talk to him about it. He's mentioning it for a reason, so find out what's really behind it.


I agree with everything rymo has said, and quite frankly I'm also at a loss for advice. From the way you're describing the situation, OP, it sounds like an abusive relationship. No decent man would tell his PREGNANT WIFE that she's fat and ugly. That's a horrible thing to say, especially when you're in a romantic relationship with that person. If he's this nice guy who understands you and tries to help you overcome your insecurities (which I have a hard time believing), he would never had said something that could hurt you so much. If he wasn't physically attracted to you, then he would've kept you as a friend.

You're defending someone who is blatantly insulting you when you're in a vulnerable position. Have you thought about therapy? Because it seems like you have major self-esteem issues and that's why you keep making excuses for him.

Could you move in with your parents or relatives for some time?


----------



## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

Taija said:


> Well, if it's a choice, then why would someone _continue_ to choose to love someone who clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. Do you really think that people should stay with emotionally abusive people just because a divorce is somehow "giving up"?


If someone is truly being abused emotionally (or physically) and the abuser is unrepentant, then divorce may be the only option. However, 'abuse' kind of assumes there's malicious intent, and I don't see any proof that leogal's husband is being deliberately malicious. Honest, maybe. Insulting, yes. Wrong, definitely. But we haven't heard anything from the husband's point of view, so I see no reason to try to convince leogal that she needs a divorce pronto.



> There's nothing wrong with doing everything you can to save your marriage if you've truly loved your partner. But people change. Some of them become total aresholes. No woman should think they HAVE to stay with a guy who's only bringing them down.


If we're talking abuse, I agree with you. But far too many divorces happen simply because people don't talk to each other about the important stuff. Marriage becomes about "why isn't my spouse doing more for me?" instead of the other way around. Honestly, I think Psychology 101 should be a prerequisite for a marriage certificate.



> I believe attraction is a part of love, and if you think your partner is nice and all but don't feel any passion towards them (like this guy doesn't seem to have), I don't believe it's truly love.


I strongly, _strongly_ disagree with you here. I can't love anybody I don't have a sexual attraction to? Love between romantic partners and love between family and friends is not, at its core, fundamentally different.

I'm not saying that marriage without mutual attraction is not a problem (it is, it's a big problem, as leogal is unfortunately finding out) but the passion *will fade *to some extent. For people as young as you and I, Taija, it's hard to imagine, because of how much romance and sex get idealized in our heads and those idealizations get reinforced by popular media. Real marriage ends up being more about loving when those passions are gone.


----------



## Ironpain (Aug 8, 2010)

Your husband's a tiny prick, he's not worth your time, what a moron , I can't help saying that I just think it's ridiculous he would treat you like that, I have to head out but listen you don't deserve that in your life, someone is going to come along who is going to show your husband how a real man treats his woman, you don't say stupid stuff like that.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

au Lait said:


> What a horrible and tactless thing to say to someone who is already hurting. I don't understand why you would say this to her. So you can get on your soapbox about how you think "lots" of women settle for men they aren't attracted to? How does this even relate to the OP, other than that it could make her feel worse about her own situation?


I wasn't taking a jab at leogal. Jesus. It's possible that her husband didn't find her attractive since the beginning and married her because he felt he couldn't do better. It happens all the time. I'm just trying to find out what the problem is. Whether its that or the pregnancy (if its the pregnancy, why didnt he ***** the first time?). Or whether she let herself go before the pregnancy. I need to know more info. Guys are solution oriented like that. She has my sympathies. It's a ****ty situation. Her hubby sounds like a weeaboo.


----------



## AlphaSix (Jul 20, 2012)

You'll be divorced by the time you hit 30...apparently since you guys married young, you both didn't know what you were getting into until you had kids and realize you're stuck. He lives off in a fantasy land where his main attraction is anime girls....maybe you can roleplay as an anime girl...


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AlphaSix said:


> He lives off in a fantasy land where his main attraction is anime girls....maybe you can roleplay as an anime girl...


That is a great idea actually! ROFL

Wear a cat girl outfit like those cat girl anime girls. And be like Ooh yea **** me tatsuhiro-kun. Aahhhhhhh.


----------



## Taija (Nov 3, 2008)

identitycrisis said:


> If someone is truly being abused emotionally (or physically) and the abuser is unrepentant, then divorce may be the only option. However, 'abuse' kind of assumes there's malicious intent, and I don't see any proof that leogal's husband is being deliberately malicious. Honest, maybe. Insulting, yes. Wrong, definitely. But we haven't heard anything from the husband's point of view, so I see no reason to try to convince leogal that she needs a divorce pronto.


I'm not certain about the situation at all, as I obviously only know it from these few posts. The husband could maybe just be a little too insensitive or clueless. But to me, it sounds too much like narcissism. She obviously has very low self esteem and some people feed on that; they make a person feel like they're not good enough and slowly bring them down, so they feel like they're in control.

I wouldn't try to convince her to get a divorce as I feel it's not my place to do that. But she wanted opinions and I'm giving mine.



identitycrisis said:


> I strongly, _strongly_ disagree with you here. I can't love anybody I don't have a sexual attraction to? Love between romantic partners and love between family and friends is not, at its core, fundamentally different.
> 
> I'm not saying that marriage without mutual attraction is not a problem (it is, it's a big problem, as leogal is unfortunately finding out) but the passion *will fade *to some extent. For people as young as you and I, Taija, it's hard to imagine, because of how much romance and sex get idealized in our heads and those idealizations get reinforced by popular media. Real marriage ends up being more about loving when those passions are gone.


Obviously you can love a friend or a family member just as passionately as your significant other. And yes, it's not that different. But there's still one difference; the lack of sexual attraction.

I don't think it's all about sparks flying and passionate sex, not in the slightest. I might be young but not that naive. When I look for love, I look for someone I want to spend my life with. I don't _expect_ it to last forever because I'm still young and a lot of things can go wrong or change (and I think that's alright) but I still look for someone I could imagine as a life-long partner and work to make it last. I think the ability to communicate openly and make compromises and compatibility in daily life as well during hard times is what really makes a relationship last.

But I still think that attraction plays an important part. Not only do you find your partner very good looking (even though the critical part of your mind knows that they wouldn't win any contests, love makes you feel that way), but being near them, touching them and smelling them makes you feel wonderful. And that's also biologically very sensible; obviously you need to want to be intimate with your significant other as much as possible to guarantee the passing of genes.

I know many married couples who've been together for decades and say that they still find their sweetheart very attractive and still feel that passion towards them.

It's possible to be married without either person feeling any sexual attraction towards the other. If you get along perfectly and love each other, there's no reason it couldn't work, and I have no problem if someone wants someone like that as their lifelong partner. As long as they themselves are happy. But an unfortunate number of unhappy people stay with their wife or husband because they think that passion, fun, adventurous sex and romance are just for young people and that's not what marriage is about. Some don't even seem to enjoy each others' company anymore and are just used to sharing their lives so they can't imagine "starting over". Maybe they got married when they were very young and not even sure about their emotions, or because it just felt convinient and economically wise, or because of kids.
I just wish these kind of people would look inside themselves and try to find out what would make them happy. It's okay to want lust and passion; it's not mutually exclusive with a strong relationship built on trust and compatibility.

But like I said; as long as you're happy with the situation, all is well. People want different things from their lives.


----------



## Kchloee (Jul 21, 2012)

kreeper said:


> I don't think that's "truly loving" you then. A wife isn't "pretty but not attractive" to a caring husband. Why did he choose to marry you if that's really how he feels? Seriously, this sounds like emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to consider getting plastic surgery just to satisfy someone who's supposed to be there for you and care for you through thick and thin.


totally agree!


----------



## NightWingLikeABoss (Sep 11, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> That is a great idea actually! ROFL
> 
> Wear a cat girl outfit like those cat girl anime girls. And be like Ooh yea **** me tatsuhiro-kun. Aahhhhhhh.


Hey! I saw that one too!

On a serious note, however, what he's doing is unacceptable. In my honest opinion, it's not just what he's saying, but how he is saying it. There are much, much better ways to say these things, and he really should've found one.

However, he is a true goat for not making his pregnant wife feel as special as every husband should.


----------



## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

Taija said:


> I'm not certain about the situation at all, as I obviously only know it from these few posts. The husband could maybe just be a little too insensitive or clueless. But to me, it sounds too much like narcissism. She obviously has very low self esteem and some people feed on that; they make a person feel like they're not good enough and slowly bring them down, so they feel like they're in control.
> 
> I wouldn't try to convince her to get a divorce as I feel it's not my place to do that. But she wanted opinions and I'm giving mine.
> 
> ...


Oddly enough, I agree with everything you wrote here. I was never arguing that mutual attraction and passion are unimportant in a marriage - they are (very much so) - I was trying to argue two things:

1. While you can still have passion and mutual sexual attraction in a long marriage, it won't be as strong as it was when you were newlyweds. (I heard somebody say once that if a couple puts a coin in a jar every time they have sex in their first year of marriage, and take a coin out every time they do it after that year, the jar will never empty. I kinda find myself believing this.)

2. Sexual attraction and passion are not _intrinsic_ to love between domestic partners. This one is contradictory to your first post, but I stand by it because I've personally witnessed love between partners who no longer have sex.

Obviously this is difficult to argue, because "love" is pretty subjective and doesn't have a definition everyone can agree on. I hope I'm not making you angry either, I just like to argue


----------



## Taija (Nov 3, 2008)

identitycrisis said:


> Oddly enough, I agree with everything you wrote here. I was never arguing that mutual attraction and passion are unimportant in a marriage - they are (very much so) - I was trying to argue two things:
> 
> 1. While you can still have passion and mutual sexual attraction in a long marriage, it won't be as strong as it was when you were newlyweds. (I heard somebody say once that if a couple puts a coin in a jar every time they have sex in their first year of marriage, and take a coin out every time they do it after that year, the jar will never empty. I kinda find myself believing this.)
> 
> ...


I, too, think that the passion won't be the same as it was during the first few years, but it will still be there, maybe in a slightly different form.

Heh, it does seem like we actually agree on most of these matters. Mostly just different ways to define things, I suppose.

And no, I don't mind having a bit of an argument. I'm actually glad you challenged my view because it really made me think about this subject and establish my opinion. If only all arguments on the internet were this civil!


----------



## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

identitycrisis said:


> 'abuse' kind of assumes there's malicious intent, and I don't see any proof that leogal's husband is being deliberately malicious. Honest, maybe. Insulting, yes. Wrong, definitely. But we haven't heard anything from the husband's point of view, so I see no reason to try to convince leogal that she needs a divorce pronto


Often times emotionally/verbally abusive people don't realize they are being abusive. There is not always malicious intent involved. They believe they are justified, have convinced themselves of it, and try to convince their victim as well. They usually blame the victim for "driving" them to it. (i.e. "If you were more like ____ then I wouldn't have done ____!")


----------



## identitycrisis (Sep 18, 2011)

Taija said:


> If only all arguments on the internet were this civil!


I know, right? 



au Lait said:


> Often times emotionally/verbally abusive people don't realize they are being abusive. There is not always malicious intent involved. They believe they are justified, have convinced themselves of it, and try to convince their victim as well. They usually blame the victim for "driving" them to it. (i.e. "If you were more like ____ then I wouldn't have done ____!")


Really good point, I didn't think that one through completely. I'd bet that there's more abusers who believe themselves to be justified than not. Denial is a powerful thing.

You could probably make the case that leogal's husband is being verbally abusive, but without hearing from him directly I'm not going to judge.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

It's kind of frustrating to give advice to these sorts of things. 90% of the time the OP has no intention of ever leaving and will fiercely defend their partner once others start criticizing him/her. And many of them are only around for a couple days and then disappear for good.


----------



## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

komorikun said:


> It's kind of frustrating to give advice to these sorts of things. 90% of the time the OP has no intention of ever leaving and will fiercely defend their partner once others start criticizing him/her. And many of them are only around for a couple days and then disappear for good.


Doesn't seem like she will leave him or stuff like that so yeah frustrating.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

meganmila said:


> Doesn't seem like she will leave him or stuff like that so yeah frustrating.


There are women who have the **** beat out of them by their husbands/boyfriends and they will not leave them. It happens. There is worse out there. It's not unusual to think that a female with social anxiety disorder and low self-esteem would put up with this crap.

Having babies at a young age is generally a bad idea. Usually poor choices are made.


----------



## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Yeah, it's a really bad idea to get married before age 25. You are much more likely to get divorced if you get married at that age. Maybe if you don't have kids it's not so bad cause divorce isn't quite so complicated in that case. If you have kids though.......it's a mess. Especially because young parents normally are not ready for children financially. The OP is only 22 and will soon be the mother of 2.


----------



## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

Yea...I hate to be judgy but it sometimes is a bad idea to get married so young. I think people shouldn't have kids before age 25 or 24. But I know people would disagree with me. I just don't understand what's the rush to getting married and getting married so young. Then again what's the point of marriage lol. Why can't you be happy just being bf/gf...heh whatever.


----------

