# It's complicated!



## Blueshadow (Sep 16, 2008)

I'm starting therapy next Monday. I have been agoraphobic on and off but mostly exclusively for the last 15 years. I have gone years at a time and not left the house, then go out one or two times and back to another several years not being able to again. Maybe last night was a test run because I have to be able to cope and function well enough to begin making it to these appointments. I'm not looking forward to it at all but have to do something.

I have a long history of extreme trauma and abuse, both as a child, in its most extreme, and as a vulnerable adult as well. Autism plays a big role in all of it. Geesh! I'm tired already and would rather give up. It's hard to have courage when you just don't want to anymore. My hopes were all killed out of me by people I thought I could trust. Now I have my own space and can breathe a little healthier again with my two cats that make me happy and I can always trust, feel comforted and be safe with. No more mental abuse, "societies acceptable form of abuse", which is probably the worse form of abuse of all because of what it does to you mentally. Being autistic is the worse thing that can happen to you born to a cruel and abusive family. Without love, support and learned skills, blah, blah, #%$*.

Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out and scream, like right now! It's all too much to try and weed through, process, make sense of or manage. The purpose and meaning of life has since escaped me. No one should have to be as strong as I have had to be. It kills the spirit, no question.

And then again... to replenish the wasteland, again and again. I will make it eventually, so long as I never give up.

I should have called myelf Strangely, because I'm blessed and cursed all at once.


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## julie cooper (Jul 3, 2008)

Blueshadow said:


> I'm starting therapy next Monday. I have been agoraphobic on and off but mostly exclusively for the last 15 years. I have gone years at a time and not left the house, then go out one or two times and back to another several years not being able to again. Maybe last night was a test run because I have to be able to cope and function well enough to begin making it to these appointments. I'm not looking forward to it at all but have to do something.
> 
> I have a long history of extreme trauma and abuse, both as a child, in its most extreme, and as a vulnerable adult as well. Autism plays a big role in all of it. Geesh! I'm tired already and would rather give up. It's hard to have courage when you just don't want to anymore. My hopes were all killed out of me by people I thought I could trust. Now I have my own space and can breathe a little healthier again with my two cats that make me happy and I can always trust, feel comforted and be safe with. No more mental abuse, "societies acceptable form of abuse", which is probably the worse form of abuse of all because of what it does to you mentally. Being autistic is the worse thing that can happen to you born to a cruel and abusive family. Without love, support and learned skills, blah, blah, #%$*.
> 
> ...


that sounds really tough. but hey u r starting therapy soon so you might make some steps int he right direction

good luck


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## Jonn (Sep 13, 2008)

I too was agoraphobic and suffered from panic attacks for just over 25 years so I can relate (in that reagrds).. What I learned that turned it all aorund for me was practicing CBT and learning how to "allow" those feelings to be there without "reacting" to them.. In other words, dont tense against those feelings, just allow them to be there (float through them).. I also learned to treat my negative thoughts and related emotions as bluffs. 

Jonn


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## Blueshadow (Sep 16, 2008)

Thanks!

I've sort of gotten there by accident with CBT in that it's more a natural evolution as one grows older to be less identified with every aspect of everything, and letting it overwhelm too much, etc. But I will think more along these lines and be more 'concsious' about using these tools because this would be more effective still.

I have resources available and just need to apply and use them, put the pain and past behind me and systematically move on and make strides to a better life and existence. At least it finally seems possible, so I'm grateful there.

Thank you both so much for the encouragement!


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## serolf (Jan 10, 2008)

It's good to hear you're getting some help. I feel for your bad experiences and pain. I'm very grateful to have a loving family and it's unfortunate for someone who doesn't have that. 

Don't forget, you've got (amateur) "therapists" here on SAS to help you and support you, too!

P.S. I've starting therapy next week too.


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## Blueshadow (Sep 16, 2008)

serolf said:


> It's good to hear you're getting some help. I feel for your bad experiences and pain. I'm very grateful to have a loving family and it's unfortunate for someone who doesn't have that.
> 
> Don't forget, you've got (amateur) "therapists" here on SAS to help you and support you, too!
> 
> P.S. I've starting therapy next week too.


serolf, Thank you, you're very sweet.

I hope your therapy went okay if you had a visit yet.

Mine was, well... :stu

I'm going to try again with someone new tomorrow. I hope it goes better as I don't think I will have the stamina to keep trying.

:thanks


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Hi blueshadow

that's a really tough life you have had. :hug 

Tell your therapist during the first session that you have a tendency to relapse into not leaving the house for years so he/she knows what's going on if it happens and might find a way to work round it. Just in case 

Also, stick aorund here. It's a nice place for advice, support and general gossip 

Lisa


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## Blueshadow (Sep 16, 2008)

Lisa said:


> Hi blueshadow
> 
> that's a really tough life you have had. :hug
> 
> ...


Thanks Lisa, That's good advice about what to say to therapist. I tend to not want to admit the severity of my problems and think this is good to consider. I have a great deal of shame to get through by thinking I should have gotten much further along in my process by now. So yes, I will think more along these lines, if I can bring myself to directly admit the severity of my challenges. I'm much older now and really should have progressed more than I have.

Your advice in its simplicity is very elegant indeed and I will be giving it much thought as I move forward. You're very sweet and thank you for your encouragement. It's wonderful just to know one isn't alone here.

much..:thanks


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