# Trying to accept that I'll never be in a relationshp



## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

For the longest time I've tried to sit here and tell myself that I've accepted the fact that I'll never have a relationship. But am I really ok with that? The truth is I'm not. I can't fool myself into thinking otherwise.

Every time I see a beautiful girl, it becomes impossible for me to not feel anything. But because of SA, it's something I can never have. It's like a piece of cheese dangling just out of reach. I can only look on and fantasize about what it must be like.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

Futures said:


> Every time I see a beautiful girl, it becomes impossible for me to not feel anything. But because of SA, it's something I can never have. It's like a piece of cheese dangling just out of reach. I can only look on and fantasize about what it must be like.


i know how that feels. it especially hurts being around couples or anyone you have a crush on, or even worse, being around a couple you know and having a crush on one of them. 

it really depresses me that it's probably something i'll never attain..


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## SaigeJones (Mar 17, 2008)

It will be probably be something that you will begin to accept over time as you get older. Its hard now because you are relatively still young but maybe it will get easier when you are older?


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

Never say never.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

Yes, I can relate. I have accepted that I will probably become one of those people who saves up money and purchases sex dolls from the internet. I'm almost certain that I will develop serious delusions and "Enrique," my latex man-doll, will become real to me. It''ll be alarmingly creepy, but I guess going insane is better than being alone.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

The hardest part for me is having a crush on a girl, knowing she is single, then seeing her get into a relationship right in front of me. 

People tell me I'm young, but I really don't feel it, especially when I see so many people my age settling down and starting families.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Penny said:


> Never say never.


I'm in this boat.

I don't want a relationship right now because there are a lot of things I want/need to discover that I can do by myself. Society is just going to have to get over the fact that are single people not hooking up and actually want to take responsibility for their lives!


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

Introspect. Try to discover the root cause of your anxiety rather than accepting it.


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## Mazza (Oct 22, 2005)

Don't be so pathetic. All this self-pitying drivel is going to get you nowhere. I thought like you once, but now I'm on my way to making a relationship with one of the most incredible girls I've ever met. Relationships are possible, but you are going to have to get up and do something.


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## frenchie (Mar 27, 2008)

the_outsider said:


> i'm just hoping that i'll be able to have a relationship before it's too late. if you've read any of my previous posts...you probably know what i mean. :stu


i dont think its ever too late. anyway you're only 18 arent you outsider? thats definetely not too late! im 19 and havent had a relationship yet..i guess sometimes i get scared that i never will but that's only when im feeling especially pessimistic. most of the time i think i will..at least if i keep hoping and looking for one. if you give up completely then it probably will never happen because you wont see the opportunities when they come up.


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## Redefine (Jan 11, 2005)

I'm almost at this point too. Geez I can't even develop a friend relationship with a girl let alone a girlfriend relationship.


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## HoboQueen (Jan 25, 2008)

I'm one of those people who gave up on the idea of ever being in a relationship but the thing is, I don't mind. If you really feel that you need a relationship in order to be happy then I don't think giving up is a good idea. That's basically accepting defeat. You are also opening yourself up to regret by giving up. Regret is a terrible thing to have to live with.


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## St.Paul (Dec 25, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> Futures said:
> 
> 
> > Every time I see a beautiful girl, it becomes impossible for me to not feel anything. But because of SA, it's something I can never have. It's like a piece of cheese dangling just out of reach. I can only look on and fantasize about what it must be like.
> ...





Drella said:


> Yes, I can relate. I have accepted that I will probably become one of those people who saves up money and purchases sex dolls from the internet. I'm almost certain that I will develop serious delusions and "Enrique," my latex man-doll, will become real to me. It''ll be alarmingly creepy, but I guess going insane is better than being alone.


I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

St.Paul said:


> I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.


No, that simply is not true. If a woman is at least moderately attractive, sure, but girls who are both painfully shy and ugly are screwed. Furthermore, even on the off chance that someone miraculously does become interested one day (which is incredibly doubtful), it doesn't help the situation if you're far too shy and awkward to speak to -or even look at- them, and you go out of the way to avoid crossing paths with anyone you're even vaguely familiar with.

And, actually, we're _not_ screwed....ever, which is the problem.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

St.Paul said:


> I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.


any guys that want me are probably just desperate and see me as a last resort when they can't get more attractive girls. at least that was how it seemed in the past (_maybe _one exception).


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## St.Paul (Dec 25, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> any guys that want me are probably just desperate and see me as a last resort when they can't get more attractive girls. at least that was how it seemed in the past (_maybe _one exception).


That's just nature and we have to accept it.We all(men & women) end up settling for the best mate we can get.If Brad and Angelina could find someone better they would.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

nothing to fear said:


> [quote="St.Paul":e8svlrjm]
> I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.


any guys that want me are probably just desperate and see me as a last resort when they can't get more attractive girls. at least that was how it seemed in the past (_maybe _one exception).[/quote:e8svlrjm]

OK--

I see a lot of girls in here who think they're ugly, but I have a feeling at least 75% of them are underestimating themselves and the rest of the 25% have the tools to improve their looks in a non-cosmetic surgery manner.

The realistic thing is that the majority of middle-to-upper class citizens are at worst, average looking. If you have access to 3 balanced meals, practice even some semblance of routine hygiene, you're probably average. Which is A-OK, the majority of the world outside of TV is average looking.

The practical perspetive is this: ugly is if you're born horribly deformed (or something terrible happened to you physically), obese (not fat, I mean OBESE, which is a difference), or you've neglected your health to the point that you have permanent physical damage. Also, if you're 85+ years old chances are you're not good looking anymore. But I'm gonna guess most of the people here are much younger.

Having a few annoyingly persistent zits, a big nose, big ears, pear-shaped body, slightly overweigh, or whatever, is NOT UGLY, because guess what? Probably millions of other people "suffer" the same thing as you do, and chances are most of them have found some decent people who liked them at points in their lives if not now.

If you're horribly obese, that's a medical problem that needs to be addressed for your own health anyway.

I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess most of the people here are born physically normal, are reasonably healthy and live in relatively well-off homes. Even if you don't get along with your family, if you brush your teeth at least once a day (should be twice), wash your body and hair regularly, eat 3 relatively conventional meals a day, you're in the category of healthy IMO.

So at worst, you'd be average. That gives you a more than reasonable chance at bagging a decent to good partner. It's all up to confidence, folks.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

Drella said:


> Yes, I can relate. I have accepted that I will probably become one of those people who saves up money and purchases sex dolls from the internet. I'm almost certain that I will develop serious delusions and "Enrique," my latex man-doll, will become real to me. It''ll be alarmingly creepy, but I guess going insane is better than being alone.


Ehh, I don't know what you look like, but reading this post and thinking of ANY type of girl fragging a sex doll kind of...*cough*...turns me on. :lol

Excuse me while I stop this sudden nosebleed I have...

*Putters away from the computer* 

(Hope we're not breaking any rules here. It can't be about sex if it's not between two living people, right?)


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

i can't live with the fact that i would never be in a relationship. if God told me right now that i would never be in one and be lonely for the rest of my years, i would top myself right now.

i think there should be a dating site for people with social phobia haha. it would make things a lot easier. i mean i know that i am a good looking guy, but i just can't approach girls in any scenario, plain and simple. i am working on it, but it is so hard. but this is something that i know i must do, it is essential for my survival.


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## quietgal (Oct 18, 2007)

slicenrice said:


> i think there should be a dating site for people with social phobia haha. it would make things a lot easier. i mean i know that i am a good looking guy, but i just can't approach girls in any scenario, plain and simple. i am working on it, but it is so hard. but this is something that i know i must do, it is essential for my survival.


There is! Social Anxiety Friends has a dating section, I think. Never used it though so I don't know if it's any good....


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

Geez, will you guys stop with the self-pity? ESPECIALLY the 18-19 year olds. Okay, I can see a free pass for a 40 year old to be upset at 40 years of single life (and even then it's not hopeless), but at 19, worried about your lack of relationships is hardly something to be concerned about. I didn't get into any semblance of a real "relationship" until I was 21, and that only lasted a month and ended horribly. I've been single ever since then, and even I'M not crying about my future prospects yet. Hell, some of the guys I've seen post the same thing in here in the past are better looking than me and even *I* have more confidence in my chances than they do.

It's all about objective perspective and knowing yourself. I have supreme confidence in my objective reasoning; I'm just trying to convince my body and nerves to respond to it. That's my relationship bogeyman.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

frenchie said:


> if you give up completely then it probably will never happen because you wont see the opportunities when they come up.


I can't see any opportunities that come up anyway. For all I know, I may have had the chance to ask a girl out a hundred times. I just don't know. I don't recognize things like flirting and body language. It's all a foreign concept to me.


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## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

llj said:


> Okay, I can see a free pass for a 40 year old to be upset at 40 years of single life


I get a free pass!  I left it far too long before I got *my* butt into gear. Sometimes it looks hopeless (I've crashed and burned 5 times in the last month alone) but if you're still in your teens, twenties or thirties you still have plenty of time to turn things around. One thing I do know, love isn't likely to come looking for you, you have to search for it. I think ultimately I will probably fail but it won't be due to the lack of effort on my part - if only I'd started a bit earlier...


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## Mc Borg (Jan 4, 2008)

I don't see myself ever being in a relationship either...and yes it sucks.


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## SaigeJones (Mar 17, 2008)

St.Paul said:


> [quote="nothing to fear":x881hq96]
> 
> 
> Futures said:
> ...





Drella said:


> Yes, I can relate. I have accepted that I will probably become one of those people who saves up money and purchases sex dolls from the internet. I'm almost certain that I will develop serious delusions and "Enrique," my latex man-doll, will become real to me. It''ll be alarmingly creepy, but I guess going insane is better than being alone.


I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.[/quote:x881hq96]

yeah I agree with this. Most of the ladies don't have much to worry about.


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## alex989 (Nov 20, 2005)

A relationship isn't a top priority of mine right now. I'm more focused on overcoming social anxiety and working on other goals rather than looking for a girl. It hurts sometimes to be alone, but I know my time will come.

Worrying about it at my age is useless, you have so many years ahead of you. And 27 is still quite young yet...in fact I believe it's never too late to get into a relationship for the first time.


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

I think it's good that you're having trouble accepting it. You might be able to "accept" it on an intellectual level but not on an emotional one. Intimacy is something we all crave and deserve. 

I of course, being a male with SA can relate to the anger, frustration and hopelessness but I've always been an optimistic person. I refuse to believe I'm romantically hopeless b/c things can always change. In fact, the have already. But when you give in to your negative thoughts, things will NEVER change.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Drella said:


> St.Paul said:
> 
> 
> > I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.
> ...


No ****. When guys think of "women", they think of females they find at least somewhat attractive. They don't get it that the overweight lady they see with her hair in a bun pushing the garbage bin through their local mall is a woman and has the same needs and desires as the rest of her gender.

Trust me, there are plenty of us out there who are undesirable, you just block us out of your mind when you think of the female gender.


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## AShyGuy (Apr 21, 2008)

quietgal said:


> slicenrice said:
> 
> 
> > i think there should be a dating site for people with social phobia haha. it would make things a lot easier. i mean i know that i am a good looking guy, but i just can't approach girls in any scenario, plain and simple. i am working on it, but it is so hard. but this is something that i know i must do, it is essential for my survival.
> ...


Some other sites I've come across, though I don't have personal experience with them:

http://www.socialanxietyconnections.com/index.php - I believe you need to pay to unlock most of the features.
http://www.lovebyrd.com/ - Free, for disabled people, supposedly Social Anxiety is one of the disabilities they cater to.
http://www.dating4disabled.com/ - Similar to lovebyrd.com.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I don't have this problem because I've cultivated disgust for the human body for years. I focused on the nastiest aspects of bodily functions and body parts, and I have now come to find things like romance/sex to be disgusting. If I felt desire, I'd think about how gross people are, and then I'd be repulsed. Now it is second nature for me to associate romance/sex with "gross." You couldn't pay me enough money to have sex... I'd gag and pass out.

I don't think this is the route you would want to take though. It's embarrassing. I can freely and comfortably share this online, but I'd be mortified to share this with people in person. People would likely assume you were abused, etc.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

well, escorts is all I got for me but im not happy.


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## SaigeJones (Mar 17, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> Drella said:
> 
> 
> > St.Paul said:
> ...


thats not true.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

LostInReverie said:


> Drella said:
> 
> 
> > St.Paul said:
> ...


Okay. Some people have natural problems controlling their weight. That I can understand. But if you dress dowdy all the time, how do you expect people to notice you? I know comfort and individuality is important, but you have to show some pride in the way you present yourself. You can control how you dress, how you present yourself when you go out in public--it's not something you can blame your genetics on.

There are plenty of overweight people who have no problems finding a good mate, even a good looking one. But almost all of the most successful people I've met--even those who have genetics working against them--at least groom themselves well, dress well, practice good hygiene, etc.

If you're going out to buy groceries and don't want to talk to anyone, then absolutely, go ahead and kick it with the bun and grey-white T-shirt. But you can't go out like that and then come home and cry about why nobody found you attractive.

That goes double for guys. If you take pride in your appearance, people will appreciate and respect you for it, even if you're not as good looking as say, Brad Pitt. Yes, some meanies might still pick on whatever genetic flaw you might have, but those are a very small minority, and chances are those people are losers as well (trust me, people who spend their time picking on other people too often have nothing else to do in their lives)


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

I don't believe in the whole "I'll never be in a relationship" thing, ESPECIALLY for males. I think guys have an advantage over girls in that physical appearance doesn't matter as much to girls as it does to guys. All a guy really needs is some confidence in himself, a bit of charm, and a lack of creepiness. Confidence and charm - so easy to say, right? But with practice I believe it's doable for most... Fix yourself up with a style and clothes you feel comfortable in and you may surprise yourself.

That is not to let girls off the hook. There ARE guys out there for you. You just have to search for the diamonds among the rough. For appearances, it comes down to size. If you're a bit above average weight or smaller, you're OK - there will be PLENTY of guys out there for you. If you are overweight, your options are going to be more limited, but I don't think you're doomed to a life of loneliness. For all girls, and especially overweight girls, it's a matter of styling yourself appropriately to your body type AND having an attitude/demeanor that projects something other than "**** off" (get the scowl off your face). Get his attention with a pretty look or a smile, then dazzle him with your personality. An attractive personality will INCREASE physical attraction as a relationship develops.

Now, if you are terribly depressed, it would probably be wise to work on that before searching for Mr. or Ms. Right. It's likely the depression telling you "I'll never be in a relationship".


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I spend around two hours getting ready every morning... you name it, I do it. I _over_ do it. I don't know why men here find it so hard to believe that there are women on this forum who are simply unable to date. Sure, you can say that there are men willing to date women regardless of what they look like, but that does no good if the woman is too shy to speak to -or look at- anyone. A lot of unattractive women do date, because that's not the only problem here. If I were just an ugly person, I would be living happily with Eric Stoltz from "Mask" right now. But if you combine ugliness with a strong, natural aversion to socializing, then there is a problem. I put a fair amount of effort into looking good, but that does nothing if I'm unable to speak to anyone or even make eye contact. It's taken me _years_ to finally be able to go places.... I'm talking videostores, grocery stores, and, finally, to a couple of concerts this year, which was a lot of progress for me. A few years ago, my anxiety was so severe that I stayed in my house for almost an entire year straight... I didn't leave to even check the mail, go to school, the grocery store, or anywhere for 8 months straight; I just rotted in my room and occasionally walked to the kitchen. When you're like that, there really are no prospects. Even though I've improved a lot since that point, if I stay like I am currently, I won't have a chance of finding friends or dating. Seriously, I wish I was _just_ an ugly girl, because I would probably have a boyfriend right now. So, it's not like some girls with severe SA can just snap their fingers and date; there's a lot more at work than that. Seriously, I would just get a prison pen-pal if it was only my looks; I would see my serial murderer for conjugal visits and we would be very happy with one another. Though, I have to admit that if I looked like a supermodel and was still the way that I am now, I would probably be dating someone.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

Well then Drella, you have your answer right there. It's REALLY not the looks that's totally sinking you, it's your total avoidance of people in general.

I mean, following up from my last post--sure, you could dress yourself up real well, but of course if you're walking into a box full of nothing then obviously you can only expect nothing in return.

Once you wrap your head around the idea that it's more your SA and lack of confidence killing you, I think you'll be much more relieved and hopefully work on facing your fears more often. It's tough, of course, but try to keep in mind the problem is more in your mind than your appearance to other people.

It looks to me like you've done a lot to improve from where you were. I can see you've got a lot of fight still in you, and as a guy I can definitely say I find scrappyness an attractive quality. Don't get impatient. (Although as a guy I suppose I can't truly understand the possible need for a woman to have kids before she gets too old...not sure if that's one major reason why women can't afford to be as patient as guys...?)


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## St.Paul (Dec 25, 2007)

Drella said:


> It's taken me _years_ to finally be able to go places.... I'm talking videostores, grocery stores, and, finally, to a couple of concerts this year, which was a lot of progress for me.


Sounds like you have reason for hope to me.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

St.Paul said:


> Drella said:
> 
> 
> > It's taken me _years_ to finally be able to go places.... I'm talking videostores, grocery stores, and, finally, to a couple of concerts this year, which was a lot of progress for me.
> ...


i agree. just because you're a certain way now doesn't mean you'll never ever improve - if you've already made progress and you'll continue trying then likely you will make more progress.
i'm trying to apply that to myself and stop the "_everything _is hopeless" thoughts. i am still young and i have lots of time to improve my life if i just try to take action.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

Just Lurking said:


> All a guy really needs is some confidence in himself, a bit of charm, and a lack of creepiness.


Yeah sure. Been trying that for the past 30 years. Still can't manage to pull it off.


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

quietgal said:


> slicenrice said:
> 
> 
> > i think there should be a dating site for people with social phobia haha. it would make things a lot easier. i mean i know that i am a good looking guy, but i just can't approach girls in any scenario, plain and simple. i am working on it, but it is so hard. but this is something that i know i must do, it is essential for my survival.
> ...


thanks, but there is no people from MA...very limited pool there lol.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Post removed.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Lyric Suite said:


> [quote="Just Lurking":10mgeoay] All a guy really needs is some confidence in himself, a bit of charm, and a lack of creepiness.


Yeah sure. Been trying that for the past 30 years. Still can't manage to pull it off.[/quote:10mgeoay]
What have you been doing that would count as "trying"? What makes you say you can't pull it off? (The very fact that you're saying this is problem #1 - you have to get it in your head that you can.)


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

LostInReverie said:


> Gotta love all the advice of "just get over your SA and you can do whatever you want".
> 
> Umm... have you ever had life debilitating SA?
> 
> Sometimes people aren't asking for "help", they're just letting some built up thoughts and emotions loose.


There are different stages and severities of SA. And people can work on getting better, it is possible to not have as extreme SA if you change how you think.

And there is some good advice in this thread.


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## llj (Apr 15, 2008)

Since Lost's post was removed for some reason, I can only go by the quoted reply above me, but I have to say...

It's definitely not as easy as "fix it and you're good to go." I mean, after all, we're on this forum because WE ALL are struggling with it, so saying something like that is preaching to the converted. We know it's not easy, but it's good to look at the upside every once in a while.

If you go through life with a cynical and grumpy attitude all the time, you can't complain if people shy away from you. I once knew this girl in this SA meetup I attended a few times, and she was constantly slagging people and saying how hopeless everything was, etc,. She was actually quite attractive in my opinion, but nobody there cared much for her except me and it was easy to see why. I talked to her because I felt bad for her (and felt she had the potential to be doing a lot better), and empathized with her opinions at times, but she was really, extremely, off-putting attitude-wise. I was the only one in the group who could take it when she started criticizing ME, since I'm slightly less prone to let stuff like that bother me, when compared to most people with SA.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Just Lurking said:


> I don't believe in the whole "I'll never be in a relationship" thing, ESPECIALLY for males. I think guys have an advantage over girls in that physical appearance doesn't matter as much to girls as it does to guys. All a guy really needs is some confidence in himself, a bit of charm, and a lack of creepiness. Confidence and charm - so easy to say, right? But with practice I believe it's doable for most... Fix yourself up with a style and clothes you feel comfortable in and you may surprise yourself.





Drella said:


> I put a fair amount of effort into looking good, but that does nothing if I'm unable to speak to anyone or even make eye contact.


I agree with Drella on this point. Leaving the house in nice clothes, faking confidence, having a positive attitude, and generally making the most of what you have to offer...That's all fine and good, but really it all means nothing if you don't know how to be social with other people.


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## queequag (May 4, 2008)

St.Paul said:


> [quote="nothing to fear":3krs4m7n]
> 
> 
> Futures said:
> ...


[/quote:3krs4m7n]

What's not to get?
Maybe its because men are always expected to be the initiator in a relationship. For a women, if you're beautiful and popular, you can just sit back and watch the men gather. Most women have to ward off the men at bars and clubs.

However for us socially inept and ugly women, its hopelessly depressing to see your single friends getting picked off one by one. And then attending their weddings. I know beauty is all about confidence, but I just don't' have any. Its hard when society and other single men fixate upon beauty and boobs. It makes you feel like jumping off an ivory tower.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

queequag said:


> However for us socially inept and ugly women, its hopelessly depressing to see your single friends getting picked off one by one. And then attending their weddings. I know beauty is all about confidence, but I just don't' have any. Its hard when society and other single men fixate upon beauty and boobs. It makes you feel like jumping off an ivory tower.


yeah, i know what that's like. it's almost painfully being around with friends in public and seeing how many looks they get and watch guys flirt with them. compared to my friends or any other attractive females i am completely invisible to the opposite sex.
i know there might be a chance for me if i were more confident and outgoing but that is incredibly difficult and will take a long time to achieve. it's kind of pathetic how long it takes me to feel comfortable around a guy (a very very long time..). even if i had an opportunity with a guy he would give up after a while and get tired of my shyness, my low confidence, and my passiveness. i am not making this up since it's happened in the past and it makes me feel so crummy that i wasn't able to open up to a guy even when i had the chance.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> queequag said:
> 
> 
> > However for us socially inept and ugly women, its hopelessly depressing to see your single friends getting picked off one by one. And then attending their weddings. I know beauty is all about confidence, but I just don't' have any. Its hard when society and other single men fixate upon beauty and boobs. It makes you feel like jumping off an ivory tower.
> ...


Have you had male friends?


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

ardrum said:


> Have you had male friends?


i do have male friends, in fact the only friends i talk to online are males (although in person i do hang out with females even if i'm not close to any of them). for some reason i find it easier to open up to them, even if i'm not attracted. i think females intimidate me more because i always compare myself to them and i'm always so much more inferior.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > Have you had male friends?
> ...


Yeah, I can relate to that as well. I think there can sometimes be more pressure to "perform" for the same sex than for the opposite. I have a pretty even split of male and female friends/acquaintances, but I've always been able to open up better with females.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Male pride/ego is a big factor. Guys who don't know hoe to handle their feelings eventually show them at the wrong times.

ARDrum, you're cool.


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## kelso (Apr 23, 2008)

All you young ones please don't give up on having a special person in your lives.
From being on this forum I have read about people that are actually in a relationship and I will admit that surprised me as I thought "who would put up with SA". So take heart from those people.
I am not saying it is easy, it is not. If you truly want something you will fight tooth and nail for it. 
Work on your self esteem. I have learnt this is very powerful indeed, regardless of what you think you look like.
I have chosen to live on my own and yes, it was a bit of a blow to have to realize that is what I had to do but this is not an option you young ones should be resigning yourselves to.
I know in this day and age if you are in a relationship you are seen as "successful" or what ever.
It hasn't changed much has it?
In my day you had better be married by 20 or people were looking at you sideways.
Heaven forbid if you were still unattatched at 25! No hope for you. Doomed to look after your parents for the rest of your life. Total waste of space you were!!
The men were to be about 30 and it was not uncommon that 40 was more the go. 
Just remember that it is a human need to have someone special, it is natural. Mayby we have to work on it just a little bit harder then other people but we all need goals, something to look forward to, please hang in there.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

kelso said:


> Just remember that it is a human need to have someone special, it is natural. Mayby we have to work on it just a little bit harder then other people but we all need goals, something to look forward to, please hang in there.


I just need to get over all this shame over this natural need. I get so embarrassed if someone raises the topic (in person, not nearly as much in writing). I'm still trying to figure out precisely where all this shame began, but I've noticed more and more how much my siblings mock displays of affection as "gross" in some way. I don't get it. Why are they doing that? It almost makes me angry that my family has been reinforcing this in some way.

I need to stop thinking of them as perfect (I was the youngest of four kids). I need to remind myself that they're wrong. There's nothing shameful about romantic desire or affection.

...I just have to get to the point where I can _feel_ that's true.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

ardrum said:


> I just need to get over all this shame over this natural need. I get so embarrassed if someone raises the topic (in person, not nearly as much in writing). I'm still trying to figure out precisely where all this shame began, but* I've noticed more and more how much my siblings mock displays of affection as "gross" in some way. I don't get it. Why are they doing that? It almost makes me angry that my family has been reinforcing this in some way.
> *
> I need to stop thinking of them as perfect (I was the youngest of four kids). I need to remind myself that they're wrong. There's nothing shameful about romantic desire or affection.
> 
> ...I just have to get to the point where I can _feel_ that's true.


hm, that's interesting. do you mean they would do that in a joking way or much more serious? i remember you posting a picture of you and your relatives, and your siblings were married with kids if i remember correctly, so that's interesting that they would look at affection as being "wrong" or "gross" yet they have a significant other.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

I don't understand how there are so many happy couples around. I want to be in one of those relationships, but I don't know what I have to do.

I don't have any good options now. And I don't see that improving in the next few years.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

nothing to fear said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > I just need to get over all this shame over this natural need. I get so embarrassed if someone raises the topic (in person, not nearly as much in writing). I'm still trying to figure out precisely where all this shame began, but* I've noticed more and more how much my siblings mock displays of affection as "gross" in some way. I don't get it. Why are they doing that? It almost makes me angry that my family has been reinforcing this in some way.
> ...


Yeah, they're all married, and my sisters have kids. I just don't understand it. It's usually rather serious too, like commenting on a movie scene containing romantic affection as gross. I'm baffled why they would be saying that. I think there is just a lot of embarrassment and repression in my family or something. One of my brother-in-laws has even commented that my family seems repressed in some strange way.


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## queequag (May 4, 2008)

Repressed? I think I know what you mean. My family is very conservative - me and my brothers never argue because we never talk about anything meaningful or controversial. Our family never hugs each other. I've never seen my parents hug or hold hands. No one displays any strong emotions around each other. So its kind of a culture shock visiting other people's homes...


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

queequag said:


> Repressed? I think I know what you mean. My family is very conservative - me and my brothers never argue because we never talk about anything meaningful or controversial. Our family never hugs each other. I've never seen my parents hug or hold hands. No one displays any strong emotions around each other. So its kind of a culture shock visiting other people's homes...


My parents are really the only ones that hug or kiss each other in view.

But emotions are definitely not shared in my family, and arguments are practically nonexistent too.


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## LonelyEnigma (Jan 7, 2007)

I think I have finally come to accept the fact that I will always be alone. Not only because I'm undesirable, but also because relationships are not important enough to me for me to alter my entire personality. In order to be in a relationships, I would have to change many things about myself. I'm not willing to be fake or behave like the typical male to attract women.

Plus, most of what I desire from ladies can be achieve from friendship. One of my favorite things about nice, attractive ladies is their benevolent/adorable personalities and beautiful faces. A romantic relationship is not required to enjoy these attributes.

In addition, I've become so use to being alone that it would feel rather awkward to be in a relationship. I'm very introverted so I kind of like being alone.

Lastly, I really am quite lost when it comes to relationships. This fact became blatantly apparent to me when I visited a forum for "normal" guys. When I read their discussion about women, I felt completely lost. I had no idea what they were talking about. I truly believe my relationship experience level is too far behind my peers to ever catch up.

If, for some strange reason, I befriend a lady and she wants to become more than just friends ... I might consider trying to be in a relationship... but I am going to try my best to never make any effort to actively pursue ladies. Instead, I'm going to find other things to focus my attention on like work, school, charity, study, wealth, learning, travel, family, exercise, friendship, health, and compassion.

I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve independent happiness. I'm sick and tired of hoping, in vain, to find a lady that will bring joy to my life, solve my problems, and quell my depression. Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship. I must try to make my own happiness.


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## queequag (May 4, 2008)

LonelyEnigma said:


> I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve independent happiness. I'm sick and tired of hoping, in vain, to find a lady that will bring joy to my life, solve my problems, and quell my depression. Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship. I must try to make my own happiness.


AMEN! I believe this also. Good luck to us all!


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## estelle85 (Jan 22, 2008)

give me a break.it's called HOPE.without it your NOTHING.


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

Hope is an unfaithful *****.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

estelle85 said:


> give me a break.it's called HOPE.without it your NOTHING.


So true! Coming here can be depressing for me...that's why I need a break at times.


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## mechagirl (Nov 12, 2003)

I agree 100% with LonelyEnigma's post. I just kept nodding my head while reading it.


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## MPS (Oct 27, 2005)

LonelyEnigma said:


> I think I have finally come to accept the fact that I will always be alone. Not only because I'm undesirable, but also because relationships are not important enough to me for me to alter my entire personality. In order to be in a relationships, I would have to change many things about myself. I'm not willing to be fake or behave like the typical male to attract women.
> 
> Plus, most of what I desire from ladies can be achieve from friendship. One of my favorite things about nice, attractive ladies is their benevolent/adorable personalities and beautiful faces. A romantic relationship is not required to enjoy these attributes.
> 
> ...


Wow, I made a similar decision this week.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

LonelyEnigma said:


> I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve independent happiness. I'm sick and tired of hoping, in vain, to find a lady that will bring joy to my life, solve my problems, and quell my depression.


This is a great idea that everyone should follow, regardless if they're socially anxious or not.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

srschirm said:


> LonelyEnigma said:
> 
> 
> > I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve independent happiness. I'm sick and tired of hoping, in vain, to find a lady that will bring joy to my life, solve my problems, and quell my depression.
> ...


 :ditto 
A lot of people look for someone else to "save" them.

It won't happen.


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## arkityp (Jun 14, 2008)

Futures said:


> For the longest time I've tried to sit here and tell myself that I've accepted the fact that I'll never have a relationship. But am I really ok with that? The truth is I'm not. I can't fool myself into thinking otherwise.
> 
> Every time I see a beautiful girl, it becomes impossible for me to not feel anything. But because of SA, it's something I can never have. It's like a piece of cheese dangling just out of reach. I can only look on and fantasize about what it must be like.


i'm constantly being led on and turned down. the only thing worse than seeing that cheese is having a taste and not being able to finish it. i'm perpetually heartbroken/depressed because of it.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'd be happy just to recreate the sense of "family" that I had as a child. A group of people that live together and do things together. Sure, my childhood wasn't perfect (lots of emotional distance that continues today), but it was better than my present-day isolation.

I don't think romance/sex is necessary for the above scenario, but such an unconventional living situation is even more unlikely than my being in a "relationship."


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## RacerX (Jun 12, 2006)

I don't mean to sound rude, but if you write yourself off this early, how will it change? If you willingly just accept loneliness and view your circumstances as unchangeable, how can it change?


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## Cosmin (Mar 16, 2007)

I think I give up the idea of ever being romantically linked to a girl. It just seems like an impossible concept for me.
I can't even build the courage to ask someone on a date because I (over)analize the possible situation and then the anxiety kicks in and it's all a "bliss"...
They say the worst that could happen is that she says 'no'. That's true if you don't have SA, but if you do have it, there's a whole different story, because the worst thing she could say, in this situation, is 'yes'.
In my case, if a girl I like would say yes, then I'd be overwhelmed by an avalanche of problems I just can't face. Since I basically lost contact with the outside world and I don't have any friends, I have no idea what social situations are and how people behave. If the girl say yes, then I'd have to plan the date; even the basic 'dinner and a movie' is out of concept for me because I have no idea about the restaurants out there and how to act in one (yeah, that f-ed up I am). Then I suppose I'd have to talk to the girl at some point (just a guess) and I'm not very talkative, nor do I have that many interests, so I'll most likely be seen as boring.
Ergo, I'm (figuratively speaking) screwed. Life's good... but not for me. :stu


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## isis (Apr 30, 2008)

> I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.





> yeah I agree with this. Most of the ladies don't have much to worry about.


Well you've clearly never been a woman. :con 
I think it's easy to think that (for some reason we always think that way: it would be easier if I were a woman, if I were younger, if I were this or that), but the truth is that for anyone with SA it can be just as difficult, man or woman.

I feel just as depressed, sad, worried and just plain heartbroken like a lot of people here. 
Society makes us believe that everyone always finds someone to be with. But that's not an absolute. 
Sometimes I feel hopeful, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just not the kind of person that gets to have that, and I never will. I don't let myself think about it too much, because if I do it kills me.


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

isis said:


> > I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.
> 
> 
> [quote:2xarso79]yeah I agree with this. Most of the ladies don't have much to worry about.


Well you've clearly never been a woman. :con 
I think it's easy to think that (for some reason we always think that way: it would be easier if I were a woman, if I were younger, if I were this or that), but the truth is that for anyone with SA it can be just as difficult, man or woman.

I feel just as depressed, sad, worried and just plain heartbroken like a lot of people here. 
Society makes us believe that everyone always finds someone to be with. But that's not an absolute. 
Sometimes I feel hopeful, but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just not the kind of person that gets to have that, and I never will. I don't let myself think about it too much, because if I do it kills me.[/quote:2xarso79]

But your chances of finding someone are still much better even with SA.


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## isis (Apr 30, 2008)

I'm sorry, but that's just plain ridiculous.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

At the risk of drawing the ire of some of the females here, I envision it being somewhat easier being a female with social anxiety. After all, females don't do the approaching. If you can just give a signal or two away, you should be all good.


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

I agree that men usually do the approaching, but I can sort of imagine how we men would freak out if we got approached often, freak out if we expected to get approached often and it didn't happen, and just generally freak out about feeling like our lot was to sort of helplessly stand there and wait. Not that more social women are so passive, but I would think that SA would pretty much **** up anyone's social life, just in different ways. 

Anyway, this thread will probably go away if the comparisons continue.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Well every single poll does show that women on SAS either are or have been in a relationship more often than the guys. This isn't to downplay your experience of anxiety or anything else, but statistically speaking, the facts don't lie.

On the other hand, the sample is not random when it comes to SA sufferers. The sample is of people who frequent SAS and respond to polls. Perhaps there is some sort of bias that makes it more likely for guys without relationship experience to come to SAS (significantly more often, as a percentage, than females). I have no idea what bias that might be, but who knows.

With that being said, it's no less painful if you desperately want to be in a relationship and haven't achieved that goal. This shouldn't be overlooked. We have to empathize with suffering if we're to support each other.


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## Disintegrate (Jun 28, 2006)

Dudes...


> Who has Social Anxiety
> This site is not a competition - it's not about whose particular brand of SA is the worse, who suffers more than whom, or who has the right to call their problems Social Anxiety. The belittlement of others' suffering will not be tolerated.





Atticus said:


> Anyway, this thread will probably go away if the comparisons continue.


 :yes


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

ardrum said:


> Well every single poll does show that women on SAS either are or have been in a relationship more often than the guys. This isn't to downplay your experience of anxiety or anything else, but statistically speaking, the facts don't lie.
> 
> On the other hand, the sample is not random when it comes to SA sufferers. The sample is of people who frequent SAS and respond to polls. Perhaps there is some sort of bias that makes it more likely for guys without relationship experience to come to SAS (significantly more often, as a percentage, than females). I have no idea what bias that might be, but who knows.
> 
> With that being said, it's no less painful if you desperately want to be in a relationship and haven't achieved that goal. This shouldn't be overlooked. We have to empathize with suffering if we're to support each other.


Wow, I couldn't have worded this any better.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

ardrum said:


> Well every single poll does show that women on SAS either are or have been in a relationship more often than the guys. This isn't to downplay your experience of anxiety or anything else, but statistically speaking, the facts don't lie.
> 
> On the other hand, the sample is not random when it comes to SA sufferers. The sample is of people who frequent SAS and respond to polls. Perhaps there is some sort of bias that makes it more likely for guys without relationship experience to come to SAS (significantly more often, as a percentage, than females). I have no idea what bias that might be, but who knows.
> 
> With that being said, it's no less painful if you desperately want to be in a relationship and haven't achieved that goal. This shouldn't be overlooked. We have to empathize with suffering if we're to support each other.


...I do know one thing: it's been proven that more women are inclined to face up to having social anxiety and seek help for it.

...That's bound to be an interesting bit of information...


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Peace99 said:


> isis said:
> 
> 
> > > I understand how guys could come to feel hopeless, but with women I just don't get it.Trust me ladies, no matter what your circumstances, there are men out there that want you.
> ...


But your chances of finding someone are still much better even with SA.[/quote:11sy9jon]

...I can sum it up for you -pretty well, I reckon  :yes :yes

...If you take the tack that men with SA have a greater problem getting a date, then you're essentially taking the view that the man is 'the initiator'. That he does the talking, he calls the waiter over -his the one who has to appear confident and sure of him self.

And that, likewise, the female is the more passive of the two. She just has to look all pretty and attractive and wait for the men to come to her and do the talking.

Now: there is some evidence that this is generally mostly how things are. For instance: whilst as many males are suspected of having social anxiety as females; women, however, are more likely to seek help for it -and therefore, clearly less ashamed of being socially less than adequate/confident.

Also, I've seen statistics that show that men will rate a woman mostly based upon her looks and secondly upon her social ability/popularity etc.
Women will rate men less upon their looks and more upon their social ability/confidence. ...Still, past a certain point, a woman's looks will only do so much for her, and if this doesn't out weigh her lack in the social department (or if she is likewise pretty anxious socially) she's relegated back in terms of her status and appeal as a mate.

Along with this... speaking as a 30 year old female who no longer -shall we say- looks as good as she used to even just a few years ago ...we women have another set of problems to you men. Specifically, our appeal is judged more based on our looks. And youthful looks are pretty short lived. ...I won't say much more about that! :lol

However... personally, my self, whilst I have acted the part/taken the role of the more passive one ...I've also taken on the role of the one who initiates... There's been several occasions (maybe more) in which I've approached guys I've taken a fancy to and 'chatted them up' (is the expression, I believe).

And much like this example, I don't see that all members of one particular gender are the same. I don't, likewise subscribe to the -somewhat limited, if not, infact sexist- perspective that the male should always be the confident, socially capable one, who initiates relationships. Or that the female should likewise be the passive, physically attractive one, waiting around for the men to come to her.

Similar to this: to state that women have it easier because of this set up -because it's the men that approach ...well, if a female is lucky enough to even be physically attractive - and youth certainly factors into this!- and also not have her lack of social capability way her down ...she still then has to be inclined to want what is basically a short lived relationship ...with males who, according to the above sexist perspective of the genders, are only interested in physical appearance -with the obvious tendency towards short lived and non-monogamous relationships.

In other words, women with SA may have it a bit easier then men when it comes to romantic relationships, but it's based more on their looks and on their youth and probably, as a result, also on whether they are actually interested in non-monogamous relationships in the first place. ...since the guys who fit that stereotype of the strong, self confident initiator are usually the guys interested in short lived relationships or one night stands.

...anyhow... thank goodness that 'gender/sex role stereotypes' aren't really how we all operate (it's just at best, a pretty general trend of behaviour, if not actually a major deception and cultural stereotype).

...Speaking of 'swapping roles'... I remember ...a long time ago now... challenging a guy I was dating to a wrestling match!! :stu 
I won (  ) ...I used a special manouvre I'd learnt in self defence class. -Basically, it works like this: you pretend to be all passive and submissive, and right when he's least expecting it- _WHAM!!_ :banana ...I turned the tables round and pinned him down!

...o.k.: a little bit too much info there!! But it's still funny! -And a lot of fun too, I dare say! :yes :lol


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

ardrum said:


> Well every single poll does show that women on SAS either are or have been in a relationship more often than the guys. This isn't to downplay your experience of anxiety or anything else, but statistically speaking, the facts don't lie.
> 
> On the other hand, the sample is not random when it comes to SA sufferers. The sample is of people who frequent SAS and respond to polls. Perhaps there is some sort of bias that makes it more likely for guys without relationship experience to come to SAS (significantly more often, as a percentage, than females). I have no idea what bias that might be, but who knows.
> 
> With that being said, it's no less painful if you desperately want to be in a relationship and haven't achieved that goal. This shouldn't be overlooked. We have to empathize with suffering if we're to support each other.


Again: you place emphasis on 'quantity' rather than 'quality'.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

RubyTuesday said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > Well every single poll does show that women on SAS either are or have been in a relationship more often than the guys. This isn't to downplay your experience of anxiety or anything else, but statistically speaking, the facts don't lie.
> ...


Discussing quality would digress from the point, which was a simple observation of relationship experience prevalence of SAS members between sexes.

You've inspired me to make an interesting poll though. 

viewtopic.php?f=60&t=83678&start=0&st=0&sk=t&sd=a&view=viewpoll


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

ardrum said:


> RubyTuesday said:
> 
> 
> > ardrum said:
> ...


...I dunno', Adam. ...I still figure that 'quality' vs 'quantity' is still a valid point.

Speaking for my self, I've always been more inclined towards monogamous relationships. ...in fact, if you were kind of cynical, you may have once described me as 'frigid'. 
:stu 
I just figure that, speaking as a woman -and as an individual woman- that the mere fact that men approach you doesn't necessarily make you feel fulfilled or particularly happy. ...It helps your self esteem ...while it lasts- that is- but it doesn't somehow quite fill the void within.

-That is to say, that it doesn't equate to truly being loved for who you are.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'm not denying anything you've mentioned. I think all of that is important!

Hmm... how to put it...

It's like I was saying how there are more reddish crayons than bluish crayons, and then you say that blue is a beautiful color though, and the quality of the color counts.

Well, okay, but I was just noting the numeric difference. Hehe!


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

The thing is, a lot of times you have to go through a quantity before you can find the quality. Hence why people usually date numerous people before settling down.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I'm going to settle down with Sprocket. :yes


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

ardrum said:


> I'm not denying anything you've mentioned. I think all of that is important!
> 
> Hmm... how to put it...
> 
> ...


...yeah, that's cool. ..Only, my point is: since when is it all about numbers??!!!


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

It's not all about the numbers, but you have a much better chance of being successful the more experience you have and the more people you date.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

srschirm said:


> It's not all about the numbers, but you have a much better chance of being successful the more experience you have and the more people you date.


...I disagree.

For one thing, I can argue the basic -but very important point- that, one way or another, it ALL comes down to emotions.

That, one person may need to go through 40 'relationships' before they start to really understand who they are and grow and develop enough to truly be able to relate to the opposite sex and other people ...and, likewise, to truly love and understand themselves.

And, on the other hand, you may find that, likewise, there exists the odd person or two, who needs very little "experience" -as most may put it- in order to get a great deal of_ emotional_ experience and understanding about who they are (in relation to others).

...Essentially, the point is that it is really rather random. And like so very many things in life: there is that very much room for variation and difference.

By the way: I can say, with a certain degree of confidence, that I am speaking from personal experience.

-It is the "emotion" that matters. And not the "amount of experience" (as some people may put it) that counts. ...It's about getting a real feeling for who you are and for being able to relate to different people and all their different feelings and view points.

...what can I say, other than: _life's complicated!
_ :stu :yes


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

RubyTuesday said:


> ardrum said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not denying anything you've mentioned. I think all of that is important!
> ...


But I never said that quantity is more important than quality (that it's all about numbers) when it comes to overall satisfaction. :con


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Are you in a relationship, Ruby?

Ugh, I wish I wasn't at work so I could focus on this more.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

srschirm said:


> Are you in a relationship, Ruby?
> 
> Ugh, I wish I wasn't at work so I could focus on this more.


Sorry, Stan. I went to sleep -it was almost 3 in the morning!!

...In answer to the question: No. In fact, I'd say that I have never been in an actual relationship.


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

RubyTuesday said:


> srschirm said:
> 
> 
> > Are you in a relationship, Ruby?
> ...


Seems like quite a few people on this site have never been in a relationship. I haven't been in many myself.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

RubyTuesday said:


> srschirm said:
> 
> 
> > Are you in a relationship, Ruby?
> ...


No it wasn't. It was 12:41 PM. 

Aw...well you mentioned your "personal experience," so I was wondering if you were in a relationship.

The guys in Australia must be crazy! You seem to be quite the catch.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

srschirm said:


> RubyTuesday said:
> 
> 
> > srschirm said:
> ...


...was it really 12:41? :stu ...anyhow, yeah, I don't know exactly how it all went! -In fact, most of my 20s have been a bit of a blur, regrettably :con :con ...Don't quite understand. All I remember is thinking to my self that something just wasn't quite right. That I was sort of 'sick'. So I avoided relationships with men -probably partly because of a fear of rejection. And other times I suspect that they got put off once they noticed my lack in the social arena. :sigh In fact, this happened just recently. ...and then there was the fact that for a while there I was pretty frigid.

The experience I talked about was just a massive crush I had on a guy who was the lady's man type. ...and it baffled me that I could get so very hung up about someone I didn't even go out with -and, on top of that, didn't even speak to all that much ... :wtf :eyes

Thanks for the compliment.  It's appreciated. :yes


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

You lacking in the social arena? I have a hard time imagining that? I'd like to see how you are in person, because you seem like a real live wire on here. 

LOL, it was 12:41 here, silly, not there. 

I tend to develop these large crushes, so I totally see where you're coming from in that regard.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Thanks, Stan.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I know what you mean, I've given up trying to get into a relationship. I'm physically unattractive. No girl has ever shown interest in me on a dating site, so why would she show interest in the real world?


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## jenro (Jul 2, 2008)

I learned everything about relationships through the horror stories of my friends and family. lol. I actually used to think the majority of people were not ready to be in a serious relationship, yet most of them were. I'm all for each partner finding self independence before trying to work together in a relationship. I would be fine not being in a relationship but I had a hint of luck and I couldn't have asked for a better best friend/boyfriend.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''...Sure i could pay a prostitute today and it would be so simple but if i ever do get into a relationship then the fact that i slept with a prostitute would make me feel guilty somewhat. I'm an old fashioned guy who believes that sex is something which should involve being in love with he person so i'm just going to wait for the time being.

I know that i am a reasonably good looking guy and that is what makes it more frustrating for me..What impairs my ability to talk to girls is this damn social f$*%ing anxiety...It's ruining my whole life! :bah I've had people ask me why i don't have a girlfriend as if they are suprised at the fact. I get insanely jealous when i see guys chatting to girls as if it's no big deal and making them laugh, it makes me loose hope and feel inferior and inadequete.

:thanks


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

gaz said:


> My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''...Sure i could pay a prostitute today and it would be so simple but if i ever do get into a relationship then the fact that i slept with a prostitute would make me feel guilty somewhat. I'm an old fashioned guy who believes that sex is something which should involve being in love with he person so i'm just going to wait for the time being.
> 
> I know that i am a reasonably good looking guy and that is what makes it more frustrating for me..What impairs my ability to talk to girls is this damn social f$*%ing anxiety...It's ruining my whole life! :bah I've had people ask me why i don't have a girlfriend as if they are suprised at the fact. I get insanely jealous when i see guys chatting to girls as if it's no big deal and making them laugh, it makes me loose hope and feel inferior and inadequete.
> 
> :thanks


 :hug I feel the same way Gareth. You are a great guy though dude, and one day you will meet a special girl, and she will ask you "How the hell have you been single this long! You're a catch...I am lucky." Might not seem like it now but keep faith bro.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

gaz said:


> My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''...Sure i could pay a prostitute today and it would be so simple but if i ever do get into a relationship then the fact that i slept with a prostitute would make me feel guilty somewhat. I'm an old fashioned guy who believes that sex is something which should involve being in love with he person so i'm just going to wait for the time being.
> 
> I know that i am a reasonably good looking guy and that is what makes it more frustrating for me..What impairs my ability to talk to girls is this damn social f$*%ing anxiety...It's ruining my whole life! :bah I've had people ask me why i don't have a girlfriend as if they are suprised at the fact. I get insanely jealous when i see guys chatting to girls as if it's no big deal and making them laugh, it makes me loose hope and feel inferior and inadequete.
> 
> :thanks


You know, for awhile there I avoided that movie as well. I eventually made myself see it though, and it was actually really funny (well moreso in some parts than in others).


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## Fanciful Unicorn (Jul 19, 2007)

gaz said:


> My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''


I'm convinced that _WILL_ be my life at 40, and I love the movie for that reason.

:lol


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## isis (Apr 30, 2008)

ardrum said:


> gaz said:
> 
> 
> > My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''...Sure i could pay a prostitute today and it would be so simple but if i ever do get into a relationship then the fact that i slept with a prostitute would make me feel guilty somewhat. I'm an old fashioned guy who believes that sex is something which should involve being in love with he person so i'm just going to wait for the time being.
> ...


Same here. I really didn't want to watch it, I thought it'd make me feel miserable. Then I caught it on tv one day, I actually didn't realize what it was at first, it ended up being funny and didn't make me feel bad.


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## gaz (Jun 27, 2008)

Smooth_Orange_Crush said:


> gaz said:
> 
> 
> > My biggest fear is that i am going to end up being a 40 plus virgin...This is why i don't want to watch the film ''40 year old virgin''...Sure i could pay a prostitute today and it would be so simple but if i ever do get into a relationship then the fact that i slept with a prostitute would make me feel guilty somewhat. I'm an old fashioned guy who believes that sex is something which should involve being in love with he person so i'm just going to wait for the time being.
> ...


Thanks...You are too kind! I will try to keep my faith but it ain't easy.


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## Cosmin (Mar 16, 2007)

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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Cosmin said:


> I was just browsing this dating advice forum (and some topics here, also) and it made me realize something. I'm too behind on life and relationships to even consider getting back on track.


So you're not considering it anymore? If so, does that give you peace of mind?


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## Cosmin (Mar 16, 2007)

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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Sometimes I refer to that more as "desire" than hope. I just think hope is a more positive word, but the kind of thing you describe is unpleasant to most people (wanting something really badly without seeing any way to get it). It's just my personal choice of words though.


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## Peace99 (May 27, 2008)

gaz said:


> Smooth_Orange_Crush said:
> 
> 
> > gaz said:
> ...


keeping that faith can be tough. Especially after such a long time. But I am trying to keep the faith to that I will meet a nice girl too. No matter how long.


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## dyingtolive (Jul 15, 2008)

i still have having a grilfriend as a goal, of course. it doesnt mean u have to get one Tomorrow. we all do many steps everyday to get higher and higher and better and better, but we gotta start small. Make friends first. then go to female friends. then keep going... 

u need to go from A to B to C, but not A -> C. 

i got a problem with PTSD, and sex abuse. The thought of sex makes me sick. though i know i have to fix this at one point, however its not my immediate priority. i still have many more roadblocks before that as well. just make sure everyday we better ourselves, if we focus on our journey in recovery, the destination will come eventually , and we wont even realize it was that easy , when it happens


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