# Theory: Men Need Friends.



## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

I have a weird theory that, while males all over the world are huddled in their parents' basements in depression and anxiety, women are actually out there working every day making money and earning paychecks.

There's this extra social solidarity that seems to have always existed among women that isn't as common among men. Women are supposedly known as being more reserved and shy than men, when in fact, anyone faced with social isolation is going to be shy.

But the male stereotype persists.
I don't know why it persists.
It is obviously archaic and anti-competitive in nature.

I'd say men who are crippled by social isolation are modern males. They're sensitive and more on the feminine side than the old fashioned males.
They're more intelligent and open with their feelings.

We, men and women, need to start looking at each other as humans first, and as genders later, because gender doesn't have to be social. Look at your perceptions, how you view your male and female acquaintances reacting to the same situations. Do your judgments change based purely on their gender? Yes. Stop.


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Not going to happen. Humans are hardwired for gender cues.

I do agree with you though that there is a male crisis going on now that society refuses to acknowledge.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Maybe.
Maybe it's also learned for some people, to different degrees.
For me though, I have no problem seeing you as a person first, unless you're extremely intoxicatingly attractive.

Just like racism is hard wired for some people. I am afraid of how some people look due to race...
I know it's also learned, but I know it's hard wired, too.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

Not sure I would call it gender cues as much as us suffering the effects of long-held gender roles of society's creation.

We're still kind of losing out because of being caught in transition.


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

Are you saying I'm a lesbian?


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

k_wifler said:


> I have a weird theory that, while males all over the world are huddled in their parents' basements in depression and anxiety, women are actually out there working every day making money and earning paychecks.
> 
> There's this extra social solidarity that seems to have always existed among women that isn't as common among men. Women are supposedly known as being more reserved and shy than men, when in fact, anyone faced with social isolation is going to be shy.
> 
> ...


Well, I mean, the problem with men being labeled lesbians aside lmao...

Just because I'm a man that's crippled with social isolation doesn't mean I'm not out there every day making money and earning a paycheck, it doesn't mean I'm a modern male, it doesn't mean I'm more sensitive, more feminine, more or less intelligent or more open with my feelings ffs.

There's no doubt I think that for most of us gender roles is something that's just pounded into our brains before we're old enough to walk and talk. It doesn't have to be reinforced by a certain style of parenting...just turn on the tv for a couple of minutes. Not just also, but especially, any children's programs, ffs.

Of course I'd like to think I don't make judgments or have knee-jerk reactions based solely on gender alone. Ffs, I hope I don't. But if we're going to be brutally honest here, let's admit, we all do it sometimes. There are usually differences between the sexes. I think we're a whole lot more alike than most people think (esp at times on this forum) but I can't deny there are differences in the way we perceive and interpret things, differences a lot of times in how we communicate, we have different expectations a lot the time in relationships, I could go on and on. For example, take same-sex friendships. I think most men tend to define their friendships with other men according to what they spend their time doing together. I think with most friendships that women have with other women it's defined more by trust, how often and what they share with each other, their emotional bond with each other, and yeah by what they spend their time doing together also. Imo (and that's all it is, is my opinion) it's because the gender roles and stereotypes that have been pounded into guys since the day we were born scream "Do Not Get Emotional". I think it just gets reinforced as soon as we begin to develop socially. I mean you really don't have to think about it too hard, it's not rocket science. Little dudes that show emotion or get too emo on the playground are labeled sissies and called all sorts of names I can't repeat here. So I try not to judge people or give into stereotypes based on gender alone (or anything else) I can't help but think back at the friendships I've had with other men in the past and...guess what....they all turned out to be pretty shallow friendships, based solely on what we did together...they were not about how close we were. The friendships I've had with women in the past were a lot more....meaningful, they had a lot more depth and they meant a lot more, tbh.

I think that's why, for me, friendships with girls have always come so, so much easier. Not because I'm all emo or because I'm looking for my friends to be my shrink, not because I'm looking to latch onto my friends emotionally like a leech or something. But because sometimes I want more out of friendships than what I get out of my so-called friendships with other guys. And maybe that's all on me. I get that.

I've been told more than a few dozen times in therapy that I have a tendency to shut people out, but especially other men. It's not because I want to. Ffs, man, I don't know about anyone else here but I need all the friends I can get, so I def don't want to exclude half the population. I just...find it so much easier to trust women for the reasons I've already mentioned. So, I guess it is sometimes a knee-jerk reaction based on gender alone. I guess I am guilty of that. I do shut other guys out, based on the fact that they're...guys...sometimes I don't even know them well enough to HAVE any other reason to shut them out. And, yeah, I realize how sad and pathetic that is and yes, I realize I have no one to blame but myself.

But before anyone comes down on me like a ton of bricks, before you come at me, wagging your finger in my face, pls realize you do it to. Whether you realize it or not, we all do it.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Dude, yo a lez-bro. Hate ta break it to ya.  (just kidding)

Hmm.... Back when I was on the playground.... Anyone with emotions was mocked and harassed and generally teased to death... It wasn't a matter of male or female really, it was more a matter of why, what made them get emotional? Before school age, I was a crybaby, and I was hunting eggs during an Easter gathering and found my first plastic egg, and I dropped it and ran to mommy crying my brains out.

The way I see it, gender is only for sexuality. People who make gender too important are the same ones who do the alpha behavior and the rape and the molestation and such, imo. There's a non-gay way to be emotional. If gender is so important, then why do we bother to cover up our private parts? (rhetorical question...)


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## Tomcat123 (Sep 30, 2015)

Ya, I think both sexes need friends, but your right, they have expected to have different types of friendships, overall in society, where I am from at least, seems to be gradually disappearing, but far from it. Men generally are not expected to share emotions, one reason men commit suicide more often than women, since its more acceptable for them to be more open about their insecurities.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

I don't think the new world order is in danger of taking over in the future.
I think it's been here for centuries, maybe longer.
I think we're in danger of breaking the bonds of limited gender based thinking.
Hierarchies and unquestionable leaderships and mindless drones. Been there, done that.
I'd like to find some emotional middle ground, one that is not totally comfortable for either of us, yet is at least tolerable.
I've always had the strongest bonds with women, not regular women, but women who find it hard to have female friends.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

What the f**k


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## harletta (Nov 4, 2012)

I agree that people need friends, but reality is kinder to some than others.


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## lonerroom (May 16, 2015)

k_wifler said:


> We, men and women, need to start looking at each other as humans first, and as genders later, because gender doesn't have to be social. Look at your perceptions, how you view your male and female acquaintances reacting to the same situations. Do your judgments change based purely on their gender? Yes. Stop.


I like this post. It made me feel slightly better after a horrible day. You know, I posed as a girl facebook for 5 years because I felt like it was the only way for people to notice me and be my friend, because after years of being ignored and snubbed for being myself I couldn't take it anymore. I began to identify as a girl, and for the first time I felt like I mattered. People watched my youtube videos finally, I even got over 500 subscribers, I felt like I mattered for the first time in my life, but then last year I felt guilty, and I confessed to one person I felt safe talking to and told that person my reasons and that person changed with me completely and didn't like me anymore and aid some hurtful things to me. I always felt like if I was a girl, someone would want my company, even a little bit. Once I revealed I was a boy I was kicked to the curb and left to rot. I was still the same person, same personality and same everything else, only different gender. When I was thought of as a female, someone said I was very likeable and "how could anyone hate you? You're so likeable and adorable!" After revealing to be a boy I am kicked to the curb and spat upon. Its like I'm being punished for my gender, which I didn't choose to have. If I had a choice I'd be a girl, but only by birth not by operation.


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## Anti depressant (Jan 29, 2011)

I'm not sure what you guys are talking about. Having friends isn't just a male-female thing... it's not a gender issue. This is the stupidest issue I've ever heard. I think some of you think that you don't have friends because of your gender but in reality it's because of your circumstances which are very *******. It's ******* because everybody should have friends. A lot of my guy friends have friends too so I don't know what you're talking about exactly it doesn't make sense.


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## Chelsalina (Oct 15, 2014)

k_wifler said:


> There's this extra social solidarity that seems to have always existed among women that isn't as common among men. *Women are supposedly known as being more reserved and shy than men.*


I've never understood that stereotype because I've encountered and seen much more talkative, outgoing women than I've seen talkative, outgoing men. I know that's not the point of this thread but just my two cents.



k_wifler said:


> We, men and women, need to start looking at each other as humans first, and as genders later, because gender doesn't have to be social. Look at your perceptions, how you view your male and female acquaintances reacting to the same situations. Do your judgments change based purely on their gender? Yes. Stop.


I agree, to some extent. Men should be able to express their emotions freely without any judgement. It's a natural thing to do and it's healthy. I believe gender roles like these should not exist but in reality, it's not going to happen. There's differences between men and women that affect the way we view them. Men are physically stronger than women and statistically commit more crimes. That's why many women are paranoid when they are in a room alone with a strange man or when they are walking alone at night and see a man. But when we see a woman, we are put at ease. It might sound sexist but it's really not meant to be. When humans see something or someone that could potentially be a threat to them we undergo defense mechanisms to protect ourselves, it's just the way we're hard-wired.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

Hmm... @Chelsalina , it almost seems like you're saying that if women liked beautiful and delicate men, we wouldn't have this problem. I think that's what men are becoming whether anyone likes it or not. There's no practical reason for men to be muscular anymore. It's all about what women want.


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## Chelsalina (Oct 15, 2014)

k_wifler said:


> Hmm... @Chelsalina , it almost seems like you're saying that if women liked beautiful and delicate men, we wouldn't have this problem. I think that's what men are becoming whether anyone likes it or not. There's no practical reason for men to be muscular anymore. It's all about what women want.


I wouldn't mind if guys became beautiful and delicate, better than acting like an aggressive douche.


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## Beth989 (Mar 1, 2016)

I would like to say something about this. This has caused me to be able to find boyfriends but never a friend... I always HAD to have a boyfriend because girls aren't interested in talking to me and if I don't have a guy no one will want to be in my company. It becomes a problem when I'm in a long term relationship and then the guy is my only friend and eventually I get lonely and need to look good and attract guys just to have people speak to me. I've never cheated but it's really a problem because I never have friends and when I commit I'm even more lonely eventually.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It's not a theory; it's a fact. Men do need friends, too.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

*You know you are lonely when you say the following...*

Friends? What are these mythical creatures you speak of?


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## LemonBones (Sep 25, 2015)

Life is pointless without friends that's why I'm isolated and agoraphobic since 2006.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

@Chelsalina
Seems fair enough. I learned the hard way that people treat each other differently based on their gender. I'm still working on which treatments are good for which genders...
@Beth989
Sorry about your challenges with friendships. I can't really speak to peer friendships, but if you really really need a friend, I recommend going to an "old folks home" or retirement center or visit an old person neighbor. A lot of them are pretty lonely. If I could get around better, I'd probably be visiting an old person.
@millenniumman75
There are no facts in science!!!!!!!!!! hehe /troll
@iAmCodeMonkey
Is it your mom?
@Kyama3
Are you really a savant like your avatar says? What type?
There are plenty of pointy things in life other than friends. Sharpened pencils, forks, index fingers, other things.
You are right, though. First they invented non-stick food, but that causes cancer. Then they invented non-stick life, but that causes emotional problems, then they finally invented a truly non-stick pan that's good up to 425 F with no treatments and usable in the oven or stovetop.


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## Tiffiduliu (Jul 7, 2014)

I am a male and have no friends.

Yes, I am alone most of the time but I don't feel "lonely" which is the negative feeling in your head that you get when you have little social interaction.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

k_wifler said:


> @*iAmCodeMonkey* Is it your mom?


Is "what" my mom? a friend? Your question confuses me.


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

@Tiffiduliu, that must be so convenient for you...
I don't get lonely in the logical sense. My body compels me to reach out. It's a compulsion that can't be denied, after years of resisting.



iAmCodeMonkey said:


> Is "what" my mom? a friend? Your question confuses me.


LOL I was joking, forget it.


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## iAmCodeMonkey (May 23, 2010)

k_wifler said:


> LOL I was joking, forget it.


LOL okay then. >


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## Tiffiduliu (Jul 7, 2014)

k_wifler said:


> @*Tiffiduliu* , that must be so convenient for you...
> I don't get lonely in the logical sense. My body compels me to reach out. It's a compulsion that can't be denied, after years of resisting.
> 
> LOL I was joking, forget it.


Yes, but it wasn't always like that! In high school, I was lonely 80% of the day and socialized 20%. So most of high school, I had the feeling in my head that not only am I alone but I feel very lonely!

It wasn't until adulthood that I mentally became okay with being alone or not having friends!


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## k_wifler (Sep 27, 2006)

@Tiffiduliu, ah yes, well, that makes sense, you adapted to your situation. I'm older than you and I haven't adapted... I don't think there's something wrong with me, our biologies are just different. I'm okay at discussing things with people, but that seems to get old quickly enough for them, then I become like one of those monkeys that swipes hair pins and steals your sweetroll. Darn monkey!


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## Moxi (Nov 24, 2015)

Only the false generalization is weird. Of course men need friends too, though, it's not like they're not humans or anything. Trying to deny it for whatever reason tends to lead to people who have no idea what to do with it.


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