# What are your views on..



## missnat84 (Dec 31, 2004)

Married men who cheat on their wife's?

A friend of mine is dating a married man,and she says she is in love with this guy and cant let him go. His wife has already found out about her once but she didnt kick her husband out or anything. I just dont want to see her get hurt.

What are your opinions on cheaters?Have you ever cheated yourself?


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## sprinter (Nov 22, 2003)

I think it's a dead end for her. Even if he leaves or divorces his wife for her I've noticed many instances were it doesn't turn out good for one reason or another. Call it bad Karma or whatever. 

I guess I really don't like cheating because I have a high regard for marriage and always wanted to have a good marriage and guys who don't appreciate their wives really irritate me. I don't think there is any excuse for cheating and I would never do it if I was married for any reason or whatever opportunity arose. On the other hand I believe in forgiveness and being a christian I would have to forgive my spouse if she ever cheated. I would not consider it a valid reason for divorce due to my faith.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I agree with Sprinter on this one....

It's a Maury show story in the making....nothing goos ever come of it.


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## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

I can't judge other people's situations... I know that things can be messy and complicated, and there's more going on than we know. So I stay away from harsh condemnation or gossipping, etc.

However, I do know that if I ever cheated on my wife, I'd almost certainly end up screwing up my life and losing everything I have. Even if we didn't end up getting divorced, our marriage would be permanently poisoned and damaged... she would never fully trust me again. I tell myself it's just not worth it.


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## Szattam (Nov 11, 2003)

Why do you guys say it all depends on the situation?? Forgive me if what I'm about to say sounds harsh, I mean no offence to anyone, but could there EVER be ANY possible situation in which it is OK to go behind the back of a person who cares about you and cheat on them even though you know it'll hurt them greatly? If the relationship's dying, or you've fallen for someone else, whatever, have the balls and self respect to sit down with the person face to face and discuss it (and yes possibly even end it right there) like mature adults. I was shocked when my ex told me that she consider's her dad's cheating on her mom to be a "human mistake" even after she told me about how it completely devastated her and her whole family. I personally don't think it's an "oopsie" little human mistake, I think it's spineless and weak, I don't understand how people can be so selfish that they'd put the satisfying of their own petty horniness before their kids' wellbeing. I think it's disgusting.


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## Cerberus (Feb 13, 2005)

Maybe they could be polygamists


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

> I guess I really don't like cheating because I have a high regard for marriage and always wanted to have a good marriage and guys who don't appreciate their wives really irritate me. I don't think there is any excuse for cheating and I would never do it if I was married for any reason or whatever opportunity arose.


:agree
I've always had dreams of getting married someday and I want to be totally devoted to the person I'm with. I would never consider cheating (not that I could find anyone to cheat with, I can't even get dates). To me a marriage is built on trust and love for one another. If you can't play by those rules there's really no point in being married. I'm overly sensitive to other people's feelings and I would never do anything that I knew would hurt someone I cared about. I get very pissed when I see or hear about a guy who cheats on his wife or girlfriend. They have everything I could ever want and its not good enough for them, they simply don't appreciate how lucky they are to have someone.
My sister's husband cheated on her with several different women who he met purely for sex. She was devestated and felt she was alone with nobody she could trust anymore. It took her years before she finally told my parents about it because she felt so ashamed and blamed herself that he was out running around with other women. If it hadn't been for the kids I know she would have left him. They are still together but I will never look at him the same way. I don't trust him and I don't forgive him for what he did. I only pretend to like him for her sake.


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## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

In response to what Szattam wrote:

I agree, that in may cases, a harsh assessment of that type is justified. But certainly not in all cases. It's not always just about selfishness. There are many situations where there are very real extenuating circumstances and complications. For example, there are situations where a person might be putting themselves in physical danger if they attempt to confront their spouse or partner to try to end the relationship (e.g. spouse/partner is abusive or controlling or has a violent temper, etc).

I've been happily (for the most part) and faithfully (100%) married for 5 years... it hasn't always been a cakewalk, granted... we're not perfect... but I try to walk the straight and narrow, and we try to keep the lines of communication open and be honest with each other.

But it's given me a lot of insight into the complexities and hard work necessarily to maintain a good marriage/LTR. I can understand where people with different personalities, different histories, different life circumstances, than mine and my wife's could fail and fall.

I'm not trying to be an apologist for extramarital relationships at all, but I'm trying to articulate the reasons (not sure how successfully) why I personally avoid blanket judgement or condemnation of other people's marital issues.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

It doesn't justify cheating. If no one is man or woman enough to be honest with their feelings and themselves, what good is it?


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## clenched_fist (Jan 4, 2004)

Szattam said:


> Why do you guys say it all depends on the situation?? Forgive me if what I'm about to say sounds harsh, I mean no offence to anyone, but could there EVER be ANY possible situation in which it is OK to go behind the back of a person who cares about you and cheat on them even though you know it'll hurt them greatly? If the relationship's dying, or you've fallen for someone else, whatever, have the balls and self respect to sit down with the person face to face and discuss it (and yes possibly even end it right there) like mature adults. I was shocked when my ex told me that she consider's her dad's cheating on her mom to be a "human mistake" even after she told me about how it completely devastated her and her whole family. I personally don't think it's an "oopsie" little human mistake, I think it's spineless and weak, I don't understand how people can be so selfish that they'd put the satisfying of their own petty horniness before their kids' wellbeing. I think it's disgusting.


 :agree



> For example, there are situations where a person might be putting themselves in physical danger if they attempt to confront their spouse or partner to try to end the relationship (e.g. spouse/partner is abusive or controlling or has a violent temper, etc).


_Wouldn't they react the same if the controlling/abusive partner found out their significant other was cheating?_


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## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

clenched_fist said:


> Szattam said:
> 
> 
> > > For example, there are situations where a person might be putting themselves in physical danger if they attempt to confront their spouse or partner to try to end the relationship (e.g. spouse/partner is abusive or controlling or has a violent temper, etc).
> ...


Then that would be a no-win situation.

A person at the recieving end in that kind of relationship might be motivated to cheat as a form of exercising some kind of autonomy in a secretive way. They might have decided it was worth the risk. That's just hypothetical, but that would be my thought. :stu


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## Szattam (Nov 11, 2003)

jamesofmaine said:


> I agree, that in may cases, a harsh assessment of that type is justified. But certainly not in all cases. It's not always just about selfishness. There are many situations where there are very real extenuating circumstances and complications. For example, there are situations where a person might be putting themselves in physical danger if they attempt to confront their spouse or partner to try to end the relationship (e.g. spouse/partner is abusive or controlling or has a violent temper, etc).


Right, I understand what you're saying and agree that it's less of a crime, but I wouldn't call it justified. In situations like that it seems like nothing more than revenge, or best case scenario a way to seek comfort and protection from someone else. The latter I admit I would understand. Anyway if you do have an abusive or violent partner, I still think you should just get out of that relationship, again, by *other *means, before doing anything behind the persons back. I really don't think anyone should try to strike back by cheating on them, it makes you no better than them and you're just going to get yourself in a heap of trouble especially if he really is a violent person. *That *is how you'd be putting yourself (and your new little buddy) in the *most *physical danger. In my post I said that I'm upset with those who hurt the people who *care about* them, but I'm sorry if overall it did come across as blanket judgement...



jamesofmaine said:


> I've been happily (for the most part) and faithfully (100%) married for 5 years... it hasn't always been a cakewalk, granted... we're not perfect... but I try to walk the straight and narrow, and we try to keep the lines of communication open and be honest with each other.


That's awesome! Congrats 
To me, that's the keyword right there, honesty.


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## workman (Mar 5, 2004)

cheating is unforgivable. being the one someone is cheating with is also unforgivable.


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## Rasputin (Dec 1, 2003)

workman said:


> cheating is unforgivable. being the one someone is cheating with is also unforgivable.


I agree that cheating on your *wife* is unexcusable, but what about a girl that you had only been dating for a month. When I had been dating my girlfriend of a year and a half, for a month when I got drunk and kissed another girl. I knew I messed up, she forgave me.

I would never do anything like that again and it is totally out of character for me, do you think what I did is forgivable?


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## Hermit the Frog (Aug 4, 2004)

Personally, I'd have a hard time being the "other guy." I'd keep thinking, "If this woman is cheating on her husband with me, what are the chances that we'll get together and she'll cheat on me too?"


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## elephant_girl (Dec 10, 2004)

Szattam said:


> Why do you guys say it all depends on the situation?? Forgive me if what I'm about to say sounds harsh, I mean no offence to anyone, but could there EVER be ANY possible situation in which it is OK to go behind the back of a person who cares about you and cheat on them even though you know it'll hurt them greatly? If the relationship's dying, or you've fallen for someone else, whatever, have the balls and self respect to sit down with the person face to face and discuss it (and yes possibly even end it right there) like mature adults. I was shocked when my ex told me that she consider's her dad's cheating on her mom to be a "human mistake" even after she told me about how it completely devastated her and her whole family. I personally don't think it's an "oopsie" little human mistake, I think it's spineless and weak, I don't understand how people can be so selfish that they'd put the satisfying of their own petty horniness before their kids' wellbeing. I think it's disgusting.


 :agree

And as a side note I just want to add, when nice guys get angry (in support of good values), :mushy that's hot.


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## Lucky22 (Sep 29, 2005)

I was in a relationship for 6 years and was cheated on with at least 2 women (that I know of). It hurt me SO BAD that i don't think i could ever do that to someone else. I stayed with the jerk, but eventually we did break up. I would NEVER put up with that again. It's just totally disrespectful and rude. But... That's just my opinion!


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## Amelia (Nov 24, 2003)

missnat84 said:


> A friend of mine is dating a married man,and she says she is in love with this guy and cant let him go. ...I just dont want to see her get hurt.


What goes around comes around. Your friend will just have to decide whether she is emotionally resilient enough to cope when the guy decides he wants to cheat on her too.


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## cube (Jul 8, 2004)

I don't think anyone should cheat on anyone, regardless of gender or marital status. If you're unhappy and want to be with someone else, then end it. Don't go shopping around first.


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## NÃ¶liena (Oct 1, 2005)

Szattam said:


> Why do you guys say it all depends on the situation?? Forgive me if what I'm about to say sounds harsh, I mean no offence to anyone, but could there EVER be ANY possible situation in which it is OK to go behind the back of a person who cares about you and cheat on them even though you know it'll hurt them greatly? If the relationship's dying, or you've fallen for someone else, whatever, have the balls and self respect to sit down with the person face to face and discuss it (and yes possibly even end it right there) like mature adults. I was shocked when my ex told me that she consider's her dad's cheating on her mom to be a "human mistake" even after she told me about how it completely devastated her and her whole family. I personally don't think it's an "oopsie" little human mistake, I think it's spineless and weak, I don't understand how people can be so selfish that they'd put the satisfying of their own petty horniness before their kids' wellbeing. I think it's disgusting.


I agree, I DON'T think it depends. There are many situations where people are truly unhappy, being mistreated, etc. At that point it's either time for counseling, or it's time to call it quits. Having an affair is a horrible betrayal of trust, not to mention that in this day and age you are putting your spouse at risk for STD's, I don't care if you use protection or not, that is just not right. If you're that unhappy, leave. If you just need more sex, talk about it - or go to counseling. Cheating is NEVER the answer. My father cheated on my mother when they were still married, and I LOVE my dad, but in no way whatsoever to I condone what he did just because I know he's a good person overall. He didn't care enough ab out my mom and her feelings, or her health, to keep it in his pants - and that's the bottom line.

I have a couple acquaintances who I know have cheated on their spouses, and they are all fundamentally good people - with the exception that it is blatantly obvious how little respect they have for their partners. And that to me is just not acceptable. And I don't have ANY sympathy for the "other women/men" either, unless they were lied to and don't know they are dating a married person. Otherwise, that is just as deplorable, I'm sorry. And nothing good ever does come out of it, that's a pipe dream. You're setting yourself up for a big heartbreak - and not just your own.

Sorry for my bluntness.


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## itsmemaggi (Sep 26, 2005)

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

If a man is cheating on his wife with you, who's to say he won't end up cheating on you, somewhere down the line, if he leaves his wife for you?

My mom has been with the same boss for the past 20 years. She's seen him through 3 wives. The second and third marriages were products of affairs. He now has children with his third wife, and they seem happily married. My mom was able to tell when he was having an affair, before, and it seems as though he's not, now.

Once you bring kids into it, things get a lot more complicated. But I cannot say with certainty that cheating is ALWAYS wrong, always evil, always motivated by spite or self-pity. That's just not a fair judgement to make. It's easy enough to say you wouldn't do it, if you weren't in the position where you might feel compelled.

xoxo
Maggi


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Cheating is selfish, love isn't.


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## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

Can we please separate sex from love please??

Sex is a biological function. Love is an emotion.

Why is it that we assume that sex=love?? 

I am especially appalled by those who consider cheating wrong because it goes completely antithetical to current norms. By basing the idea that cheating is wrong because it is about sex, and that having sex means that you are in love - thus drawing the conclusion that all love is about is sex, thus having sex is a determination of one's love for another... then drawing the point that pre-marital sex is bad, thus saying - in a round about manner, that because love is all about sex (first assumption) and you aren't allowed to have sex before marriage, you really won't know if someone truly loves you until after you are married and do the deed (second assumption) thus marriage becomes not an issue about love, but about sex!!

Sex is just sex. Love is a whole other ballgame. 

So, let us take a step back from this situation and look at it through a differing set of eyes.

One of the reasons people cheat (yes people do) is because of the lack of an adequate sex life from their significant other (actually its really the only reason). So if their partner can not satisfy them sexually, there are a few things they can do:
1) Suck it up, and be depressed and miserable in the relationship (but then who really wants to be in a relationship that only brings pain and misery).
2) Leave the relationship and find a more sexually compatible partner - but in the same thread, loosing the entire history built up in the previous relationsip - plus, the whole idea that there is still love for the other partner, just not the satisfaction of physical intimacy - again, being depressed and miserable.
3) Beat the significant other into submission, until they finally satisify you sexually - but then again, this is a whole other ballgame (bad, bad, bad)
4) Find someone sexually compatible with you to satisify your physical needs, and continue to love and admire your significant other...

Out of all of these, the only one that really makes sense is the last one - the first one, one partner is left miserable, in the second both partners are left miserable, in the third one partner is extremely miserable and the other will probabally be just as miserable - in the last, both partners are happy, the love is still there, and everyone has all of their biological needs taken care of...


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## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

Good points, itsmemaggi (thank you) and Imdateless (controversial but brave, but I won't say whether I agree with you or not).

I don't want to seem like an apologist for cheating, or try to set up a justification for me to do it (I'm not, at all!). I myself am faithfully married and fully aware of the disastrous consquences if I strayed. And I have no reason to anyway, I'm not dissatsified with any aspect of the relationship. But having that _firsthand experience _of what it takes to maintain a good marriage, and all the challenges and travails, as well of the realities and temptations presented by everyday life and popular culture, has actually made me more forgiving and understanding of people who have strayed.... that probably sounds bad to some people; it's just hard to explain....


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

It's wrong and unjustifiable. It doesn't depend on anything.


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## VoxPop (Nov 9, 2003)

Imdateless said:


> Can we please separate sex from love please??
> 
> Sex is a biological function. Love is an emotion.
> 
> ...


In a marriage you've made certain commitments. A particular commitment (amongst others) is that you will only be physically intimate with your spouse. You have an obligation to abide by your commitments. Those who are troubled by that particular commitment shouldn't consider a marriage or find someone who would be amenable to an open marriage.



Imdateless said:


> Sex is just sex. Love is a whole other ballgame.
> 
> So, let us take a step back from this situation and look at it through a differing set of eyes.
> 
> ...


What about trying to solve what it is that's causing one partner to have a low libido? It's often hormonal and it can also be a result of emotional problems or physical ailments. Maybe there's an underlying issue that both partners need to work on. What about forms of intimacy that don't involve sex? What about masturbation for a while?

All of the options you mentionned sound selfish. I'll just assume that number 3 is a joke because it's pretty damn sick.


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## LoneLioness (Nov 16, 2003)

Imdateless said:


> Can we please separate sex from love please??
> 
> Sex is a biological function. Love is an emotion.
> 
> ...


Do you mean an open relationship where the partner knows their significant other is seeing other people? Because if not thats just sick and wrong. Yeah, maybe both partners would be happy, because the one wouldn't know their partner was going behind their back and sleeping with other people, they deserve the right to know what their partners doing and then to be able to decide whether or not they want to stay with them.


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## countrybumpkin (Dec 31, 2004)

To be honest Imdateless , you speak like someone who has never had a sexual relationship. I don't mean this in an accusing way , but that is how its sounds.In a relationship ,the 'sparkle' can wear off after a while and then someone might be tempted to cheat , so it's not a matter of one person not being satisfied , they might just be bored and if a person gets bored that easily , then odds are good that they would never have stayed satisfied for long anyways no matter who they were with. Some people just have a weaker will and less self control than others . I have never cheated , but I have had women who were in relationships want to cheat with me and I wouldn't even do that. People are just animals and one of our most powerful instincts is to have sex . Self control and devotion are learned traits. I try not to judge people , but personally I don't think I could ever forgive a woman that cheated on me , for any reason whatsoever. Even if there is an issue with satisfaction , people can always at least make an effort to talk and work things out.


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## countrybumpkin (Dec 31, 2004)

And as far as number four , have you ever met a woman? What kind of person would be okay with somone cheating on them and yet still 'loving and admiring ' them? Come on dude...........


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## Imdateless (Nov 11, 2003)

New japanese word for ya -

aijin


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## NÃ¶liena (Oct 1, 2005)

An "open relationship" is not something that I would ever be interested in , but if that's your thing - AND it's your partner's thing - than hey, have a blast. I'm a pretty open-minded person, to each his own for the most part. 
Cheating is called "cheating" because it's done underhandedly without the other person's knowledge. When most people get married, they take a vow, they promise that other person they will be true. If they don't feel like they can withhold that promise anymore, their spouse damn well has a right to know. My biggest problem with the whole scenario, and I'm surpised more people didn't mention this - but this day in age there is a little thing called an STD, some of which can be very health threatening to say the least. Even if you use protection you're at risk, and what right does anyone have to put an unknowing partner (who they vowed their love, trust and respect to) at risk for a disease?? That's just crazy to me.

There are plenty of people who don't cheat, who go to counseling/talk things out, or in the extreme get a divorce. In my opinion, those are the only honest and respectful (to your partner) choices. I'd rather my husband left me than find out he'd been sleeping with other people and not telling me about it.


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## countrybumpkin (Dec 31, 2004)

Imdateless , obviously I dont understand Japanese culture or I would know what you meant. Please explain how the word 'lover 'or 'sweetheart '(thanks to ask jeeves translation) has any real bearing on this topic?I can't imagine what it would be like in a place where a woman is just okay with her husband screwing around for fun or vice versa . What would be the purpose of getting married? I can understand the idea of a marriage that is more of a convenience type of thing than a romance one , but this concept of just screwing whoever you feel like while being married seems absurd to me. I realize that a lot of peoples idea of love and romance are largely fictional and created by Hollywood , but come on....jealousy is natural and anyone who would be okay with this sort of thing is ,in my opinion ,very emotionally flawed .


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## Atticus (Nov 10, 2003)

There are few absolutes in life. One is that a thread here about cheating will bring strong condemnations from 9-10 people who respond. The other is that the statement "I've never cheated and I never will" ranks up there with "my kids would never behave that way" as the words a person is most likely to have to eat some day.


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## NÃ¶liena (Oct 1, 2005)

Atticus said:


> The other is that the statement "I've never cheated and I never will" ranks up there with "my kids would never behave that way" as the words a person is most likely to have to eat some day.


It's a pretty sad world we live in if you truly believe that. I had relationships while I was younger where I dated a couple people at the same time (not the same as sleeping around in my case), without really commiting to anyone. But I truly can say that NO, I respect my husband too much to ever have an affair. The day might come along when I'm in a situation where I feel tempted to do so, but - and I feel that regardless of what Hollywood bombards us with, I'm part of a majority here - my first step in that case would be to seek counseling of some sort, or take a look at why I would even consider doing that. ANd possibly talking it out with my husband. My own foolish spur-of-the-moment whim would not take precedence over the man who has stuck with me through so much crap, and still loved me no matter what. How completely selfish that would be.


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## James of Maine (Sep 8, 2005)

The simplest way I can put it:

Cheating within my own marriage: unthinkable.

Cheating within other people's relationships: none of my business. 

Either way, it's a private matter that's up to the people involved in the relationship to deal with.

If you want to drag kids into the issue: sad and unfortunate, but many, many marriages (including those with children) end because Mom and Dad just can't get along anymore --"irreconcilable differences"--not because of adultery. That was the case in my parents' divorce.


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## missnat84 (Dec 31, 2004)

My friend told me that she found out he is still in touch with his ex(the one who he was seeing before her),he made up some excuse about it being work related stuff but now she is upset and cant stop thinking about it,she wont listen to me because she said she loves him :stu


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