# I am eighteen, I want to be independent after I graduate highschool.



## catman (Mar 10, 2011)

By being "independent", I am speaking not only of moving out, but supporting myself so I can have more responsibility and control over my own life.
I am not sure if I should go independent or stay with my family though. Staying with my family seems like a dead end, and I don't want to end up like my deadbeat older sibling. If I were to listen to my heart, then I would move the hell out because I "know" that it's wrong to stay here and it's better to leave. So many others move out for similar reasons.. but at the same time, I am scared of any radical change. Change is scary, but my gut instincts say it's the right thing to do. Yet at the same time, the fear and guilt. It's not like I am ungrateful, but I would aim for the better if I could.

*The incentive I have to stay dependent and go to college right away:* get financial support for college if my scholarships don't cover it.

The reason why financial support for college is not everything: it makes me dependent on my family, and they decide my name, my identity, and my gender. I am TG, so it's horrifying, and I am sure I will drop out of college if nothing changes for me. I don't know how long I can take it even though I lasted this long.
I was looking forward to college as a new beginning and a chance for making friends and network under a new start and new identity. I wasn't looking forward college so the same **** that I've been trying to escape for years can repeat itself all over again and trigger me into self destruction.

*The incentive I have to be independent and take a gap year before going to college:* pretty much everything. I don't plan on failing once I go independent since that will only make me lazy, and I don't plan on using my family as "backup" even if I do fail. I doubt that they will accept me back once I start living my life "a certain way" anyway.

*If I go independent, several things will be good for me:*

I can pursue my goal that I have been having for years. My family is trying to discourage me from working in the industry I want because they think it's full of freemasons/illuminati. (Background story here)

My family will not have the right to monitor and isolate me from society, friends, and relatives through the use of blackmail or physical force as they often done. I need to be a contributive member, not a basement cow that my family members can lean on or milk for self esteem.

I can practice my faith freely without the interference of my family. My faith matters a lot to me. Without it, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

I also will be able to get therapy by my own consent, without feeling guilty for "wasting parent's money on intangible ****" since it's my own earning.

Learn to be more responsible at a younger age instead of having everything planned out for me (very typical for our upper-middle class neighborhood, most kids end up doing drugs and rebelling severely).. to be honest, one of the scariest dangers is the danger that one doesn't recognize as danger. I think I am being kept "docile" and "complacent" by all these luxuries. It's dangerous to the mind and probably would make me end up like my deadbeat brother. I fear it.

By talking to adult figures including my relatives, school social worker, and my counselor about my situation, I have already established that my home situation is causing me anxiety and unhealthy for me. But.. now what?

Maybe moving out from my family's dominion will be a good step towards having control over my own life and finally live my life without the fear of suicide. Most pre-op TG people commit suicide. Perhaps independence will also let me see my family for what they really are, without feeling guilty or "indebt" to them. I don't want to be a case of learned helplessness and be pushed around all the time until I get stuck into a life I don't want or end up killing myself.
I am too confused with my family's double-end personalities. It's hard for me to say this because I feel guilty for "betraying" my family, but I think they're sort of abusive, towards me and eachother. Yet at the same time, they have good sides too, and at least I am healthy. It's not like the "abusive family" sensationalized on the news or anything, but still, it may be better if I leave for my own good.

*My question is, do you think I have a good reason to defer college and go independent? Do you have advice?* I am already thinking of calling an attorney about name changes, finding a place to stay (the most uneasy part), finding therapists who use income scale, and applying for jobs. If I don't get hired, then last resort would be to hire myself (I have some people asking for my artwork)
I am upper-middle class, but please spare your judgements. I used to tell myself that "it doesn't happen to people like us".. but apparently I can't bull**** myself anymore and I have to do something.

I have a feeling I am going to get immensely flamed for this.


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## cavemanslaststand (Jan 6, 2011)

Deferring college is generally okay. "Being on time" with finishing college is generally a made up goal in the adult world (ten years later looking back).

As for making drastic changes, while it's liberating and you get to "find yourself", be careful not to trip and set yourself up for failure. It can be way over-rated too. If you live under your parent's roof and save money, it will ease your transition out and everybody will be stable with it. "Struggling on your own" with "life's basic lessons" -- You will have plent of time for that, and IMHO only the survivors end up talking about how great of a lesson it was. Save enough to take trips to get a break from family and see new experiences in spots if you need to.

Don't know your family dynamics, but if they are caring people, ultimately their opinion matters more than anyone else's so try to leave with a healthy bank account slowly and in a way that does not leave them with worry, nor you set up for failure. I still take that point of view after coming from a dysfucntional poor family that sucked (and the gift keeps on giving) and I hate most of them....

Sorry in advance if off base. Take care of yourself and talk to me if needed.


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