# Anybody else wish they were asexual?



## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

Considering my abysmal self-esteem, poor social skills, lack of trust, fear of intimacy and general craziness, I probably won't be gettin' any in the foreseeable future. My sex drive is mainly a burden. 

I've got it in my head that I'm totally unattractive, un-dateable and unlovable. Thus, anytime I feel a pang of romantic or sexual desire, it's accompanied by the sting of implicit rejection. It hurts. So I suppress my desires, knowing they can never be satisfied. Paradoxically, that repression makes my desires feel stronger. The more I try to resist them, the more my desires control my psyche. At the risk of offending sensitive readers, I must say that I'm perpetually horny.

I wish I had no sex drive. Life would be much easier. Certain drugs have killed my libido for brief periods, and I enjoyed that side effect. 

Does anybody else feel the same? Or is there something really wrong with me?


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## thewall (Feb 1, 2009)

I'm with you on this.


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## Recipe For Disaster (Jun 8, 2010)

you can get canstrated


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

Yes.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

Well, yeah. There wouldn't really be a disadvantage.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

It sucks having a piece of cheese constantly dangled front of your face and knowing you can never have it. That's pretty much how I feel every time I see a girl I'm attracted to, thanks to my poor social ability.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*Hmm*

Indeed, castration is possible but I'm sorry, that is a beyond daft option. The original poster lists what they think is holding them back in terms of getting what they desire. And yet, can it be categorically stated that nobody with low self esteem, poor social skills, mental health issues, fears, lack of trust etc has ever had sexual intercourse? Can such a thing be said to be a truth?

"I've got it in my head that I'm totally unattractive, un-dateable and unlovable. Thus, anytime I feel a pang of romantic or sexual desire, it's accompanied by the sting of implicit rejection. It hurts. So I suppress my desires, knowing they can never be satisfied. Paradoxically, that repression makes my desires feel stronger. The more I try to resist them, the more my desires control my psyche. At the risk of offending sensitive readers, I must say that I'm perpetually horny."

You have a conflict within the self between a belief system and a desire. You don't "know" anything in terms of whether or not those desires could be satisfied. You "believe" they can't be or won't be. I know how that feels. I have those thoughts and feelings still when I feel depressed or when I particularly want to go back to the old, addictive pattern of putting myself down.

What resist can indeed persist which is probably why it's a good idea to resist the urge to feel calm and content when it is right and proper for you to do so and when you need some emotional healing.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

I AM ASEXUAL AND IT IS SO HORRIBLE - I just ruined the chance of having a really good relationship with an amazing guy today because I just can't put up with it. It sucks - I hate myself for it so much!


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## alex999 (Oct 21, 2008)

30mg Lexapro did the trick for me. It was an undesirable side effect for myself personally, but each to their own.


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## velvet1 (Aug 11, 2010)

I would have to say no. I don't mind having no sex at all because I'm single. If I'm in a relationship were I'm comfortable with this person, than of course I would have sex. To me sexuality is not always about having sex with someone. Its hard to explain....


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

No, I want men in my life and I wouldn't want to lose my desire. It goes beyond the sex drive. It seems like missing out on a huge part of what life has to offer.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

Only if I was aromantic as well. The attention I receive about my physical appearance would still be humiliating but I wouldn't have the body image problems that I do if I didn't have a need to be intimate with the women I see as desirable.


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

It has its pros and cons.


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

jhanniffy said:


> I AM ASEXUAL AND IT IS SO HORRIBLE - I just ruined the chance of having a really good relationship with an amazing guy today because I just can't put up with it. It sucks - I hate myself for it so much!


Are you really asexual or just anxious?

Asexual people don't feel sexual attraction at all, so it's surprising you referred to him as an amazing guy instead of a good friend.


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## Daktoria (Sep 21, 2010)

lonelygirl88 said:


> No, I want men in my life and I wouldn't want to lose my desire. It goes beyond the sex drive. It seems like missing out on a huge part of what life has to offer.


Without a sex drive though, there wouldn't be an explicit desire to have men (or women). You would just look at people as people.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

Daktoria said:


> Are you really asexual or just anxious?
> 
> Asexual people don't feel sexual attraction at all, so it's surprising you referred to him as an amazing guy instead of a good friend.


I could see myself calling someone I wasn't attracted to 'an amazing guy' or 'amazing girl'.


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

alex999 said:


> 30mg Lexapro did the trick for me. It was an undesirable side effect for myself personally, but each to their own.


Most people would agree with you that it's an undesirable effect, which is something I have trouble understanding.



anomalous said:


> Well, yeah. There wouldn't really be a disadvantage.


I guess the disadvantage, which I could handle in the short term, would be the absence of sexual pleasure. If you're fortunate enough to have a partner, that can be a pretty awesome pleasure.



Futures said:


> It sucks having a piece of cheese constantly dangled front of your face and knowing you can never have it. That's pretty much how I feel every time I see a girl I'm attracted to, thanks to my poor social ability.


Exactly how I feel. I'm often surrounded by beautiful women, on campus or in my trendy neighborhood. It's quite upsetting.



joinmartin said:


> Indeed, castration is possible but I'm sorry, that is a beyond daft option. The original poster lists what they think is holding them back in terms of getting what they desire. And yet, can it be categorically stated that nobody with low self esteem, poor social skills, mental health issues, fears, lack of trust etc has ever had sexual intercourse? Can such a thing be said to be a truth?
> 
> You have a conflict within the self between a belief system and a desire. You don't "know" anything in terms of whether or not those desires could be satisfied. You "believe" they can't be or won't be. I know how that feels. I have those thoughts and feelings still when I feel depressed or when I particularly want to go back to the old, addictive pattern of putting myself down.


What you're saying is correct. My beliefs are rather deeply rooted, though. I believe that sex just can't happen to me, and so I don't pursue it. If rejection is the obvious outcome of approaching a woman, why should I even try?

I'm already in my early 20s with virtually no dating experience. I don't know how it's done. I don't know how to flirt. I don't know how to talk to people. I'm not smooth, attractive or confident. It's clear that women are going to be repulsed by me. At best, I'm a laughable wretch.


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

Daktoria said:


> Without a sex drive though, there wouldn't be an explicit desire to have men (or women). You would just look at people as people.


Yeah. I said I wouldn't want to lose my desire.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Daktoria said:


> Are you really asexual or just anxious?
> 
> Asexual people don't feel sexual attraction at all, so it's surprising you referred to him as an amazing guy instead of a good friend.


I refereed to myself as ace before I met him but put it to the back of my mind to see if I was using it as an excuse. I felt nothing, these was no feeling there. I am attracted to the guy but not sexually - amazing is his personality and outlook on life! I mean I enjoyed kissing, cuddling and holding hands!

I was and still will be an unexplainable 100% comfortable around him


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Misanthropic said:


> I could see myself calling someone I wasn't attracted to 'an amazing guy' or 'amazing girl'.


But I am attracted to him just not sexually!


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

Misanthropic said:


> Only if I was aromantic as well. *The attention I receive about my physical appearance would still be humiliating* but I wouldn't have the body image problems that I do if I didn't have a need to be intimate with the women I see as desirable.


If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by this?


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## lonelygirl88 (Dec 25, 2009)

jhanniffy said:


> I mean I enjoyed kissing, cuddling and holding hands!


I thought if you are asexual you wouldn't desire or enjoy those things.
Like you would have 0 interest in being affectionate with someone.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

lonelygirl88 said:


> I thought if you are asexual you wouldn't desire or enjoy those things.
> Like you would have 0 interest in being affectionate with someone.


It's sex and the like I get nothing from, but I do love romance and affection!


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

jhanniffy said:


> But I am attracted to him just not sexually!


This is difficult for me to understand (romance without sexual attraction) but I think romantic love is better than sexual pleasure. It's strange that asexual people make up around 1% of the population and so many people don't even know they exist.


> If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by this?


It's impossible for me to try and explain without making it sound trivial. I mean whenever I'm in public, I receive constant and obvious subliminal messages about my lips, hair, eyes, weight, breathing etc. and it's not just in my mind, they're far from subtle. I've been in classrooms where the professor would make obvious innuendos throughout the entire lecture or I've been on the bus and 3 or 4 people would start making exaggerated comments about their hair, lips etc. throughout the entire ride. Like I said, it's impossible to explain, but I've lost two jobs and been expelled from university because of it.


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## Nelly (Mar 10, 2010)

I must be asexual then cause I have only feel attracted to 2 men in this year and in the previous years is the same. I do have a sex drive but its absolutely below subzero this year , even watching porn doesnt give me anything and I watch around only 4 times a year , its like lemon candy bitter sweet and fun but not necessary and definitely not better than strawberry and the other million things going on around me.

Oh and im virgin but I dont care as much as someone who sees it as a problem.

The man to make open the gates of bliss as I wear a little mischievous smirk drawn on my face would have to be a fire in a tower to make me jump to the ground he lays without any more choice. By then, I wouldn't mind exploring the dead skin cells in his neck with wet provocative kisses full of bacteria. Exchanging the food of the day bits with our tongues intertwined down our throats . Listening to the sounds of weird squashy secretions as they exit the body towards awkward openings and cavities that could certainly use a wash before the deed. Aligining my spine to match that complicated position twist until i hear a bone or cartilage crack and OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH bite me harder in the shoulder baby cause the whole city needs to hear im getting it on tonight !

Ace cake pie anyone?


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## Reptillian (Sep 8, 2010)

Before I thought I wanted to be asexual because of the fact that I socialize less than 5 min with a girl that I had a crush on and the socialization is a waste of time, but now I find looking at them seems to be satisfying enough without the waste of time called social relationship.


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## amoeba (May 19, 2010)

I've experienced it before due to Paxil. Trust me, you don't want it.


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## Nathan18 (Sep 15, 2009)

Yes, I do.


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## Scrub-Zero (Feb 9, 2004)

No. I like sex.


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## iwishiwasaway (Dec 7, 2006)

No not at all. I dont get laid. But I'm obsessed with sex, and there definitely is a strong drive. I would say sexually frustrated more then anything.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

I wish there was a way to turn that desire off completely. I guess the only positive thing I can claim is at least I don't know what I'm missing out on, I think knowing what its like would only make things harder for me. The loneliness is unbearable at times...I can live without sex...hell, I have for over 35 years. But the fact I've never even had another person to touch, kiss, and hold causes me a great deal of emotional pain. Seeing it all around me and not being able to have it myself only makes me feel worse so I rarely go out anymore except when I need something. I try to focus on other things by staying busy with work as much as possible, but there are times when I break down from the emptiness and pain.


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## stranger25 (Apr 29, 2010)

Lonelyguy said:


> I wish there was a way to turn that desire off completely. I guess the only positive thing I can claim is at least I don't know what I'm missing out on, I think knowing what its like would only make things harder for me. The loneliness is unbearable at times...I can live without sex...hell, I have for over 35 years. But the fact I've never even had another person to touch, kiss, and hold causes me a great deal of emotional pain. Seeing it all around me and not being able to have it myself only makes me feel worse so I rarely go out anymore except when I need something. I try to focus on other things by staying busy with work as much as possible, but there are times when I break down from the emptiness and pain.


:cryand that's the toughest thing for a _*guy*_ to live with....


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## CabecitaSilenciosa (Jun 8, 2010)

Nope. I'm fine the way I am.



Nelly said:


> The man to make open the gates of bliss as I wear a little mischievous smirk drawn on my face would have to be a fire in a tower to make me jump to the ground he lays without any more choice. By then, I wouldn't mind exploring the dead skin cells in his neck with wet provocative kisses full of bacteria. Exchanging the food of the day bits with our tongues intertwined down our throats . Listening to the sounds of weird squashy secretions as they exit the body towards awkward openings and cavities that could certainly use a wash before the deed. Aligining my spine to match that complicated position twist until i hear a bone or cartilage crack and OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH bite me harder in the shoulder baby cause the whole city needs to hear im getting it on tonight !
> 
> Ace cake pie anyone?


lol.


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## RyanJ (Mar 31, 2009)

What is with all these questions? At some point you have to be fine with yourself just the way you are. I understand the frustration, but come on now...


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

amoeba said:


> I've experienced it before due to Paxil. Trust me, you don't want it.


I'm guessing you mean anorgasmia, which is a completely separate issue. Of course no one wants that if their underlying sexual urges are still there.

The situation I described as "without a disadvantage" is a complete lack of sexual or romantic desire. I'm not sure if that's synonymous with asexuality or not; it seems asexuals can still have romantic inclinations.

Some individuals will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfillment throughout the course of their lives, and so completely eliminating these desires would be categorically positive. The day this is possible, I'll be asking, "where do I sign?"


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

jhanniffy said:


> It's sex and the like I get nothing from, but I do love romance and affection!


I know where you are coming from, just from the other side. My ex is kind of a romantic asexual. We are best friends now though. We have had some very difficult times while we were together. It is surprising how complicated and difficult it can become.

I have said before that I wished I were asexual, but I don't really wish for that now. Even if I wasn't romantic, if at any moment in my life I saw the opportunity for a relationship and found that I couldn't have that or didn't want it I think I would still feel like I was missing out on something.


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## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

No, being turned on feels good, so does masturbation, oh and also sexual experimentation. I eventually want a partner and I can't see how having significant other would be better than a partner.


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## weebeastiebaby (May 15, 2009)

Recipe For Disaster said:


> you can get canstrated


Haha! Thats a pretty hilarious typo! I often wish I was asexual because my anxiety is usually worse around guys. I actually wish we were all hermaphrodites. That way there would be none of this male/female mumbo jumbo.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

> Given that romantic fulfilment and sexual fulfilment are relative and subjective things it would be very difficult to prove your statement about "some individuals will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfilment in their lives" to be true either on any kind of large scale or on an individual scale.


No, it would be difficult to prove that "_most_ individuals will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfillment in their lives" (and it's probably not true) but he didn't say that. He said *some* people will never experience this and, given that romantic/sexual fulfillment is subjective, you can't disprove that _some_ people won't.



> Indeed, the notion that there are this group of people (again with the categories) who will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfilment in their lives is a guess.


Are you serious? The man is saying that he is not sexually or romantically fulfilled, how is that a 'guess'? Other people have claimed the same thing.



> Well, hang on a second there. Even if such a dreamed up group of people existed, how can it be said for sure that the elimination of such desires would be categorically positive in terms of the personal ecology, happiness, life quality etc of each one person that, for some reason, has been placed in the imagined group?


The frustration of desire is stressful. Without sexual desire, there is no sexual frustration.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I realize not many of you are going to agree with me, but there isn't much to meeting someone. The hard part is getting someone you like to like you back, so when I hear some people talk about their low "social skills", and that being the reason for their failure, I am prompted to want to describe the real truth: social skills have only a small percentage of the outcome of...well, sex, at least. Now, relationships are something entirely different, but you are all capable if you can build some one on one time together enough.

I won't say that getting either is the easiest thing in the world because it's not, but I will say that if oyu have the motivation for it and willpower to continue persuing it, you'll most likely get it. Me, I don't care that much right now. I'm picky and so are they; that's a problem if I'm just trying to "get some".


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

Misanthropic said:


> No, it would be difficult to prove that "_most_ individuals will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfillment in their lives" (and it's probably not true) but he didn't say that. He said *some* people will never experience this and, given that romantic/sexual fulfillment is subjective, you can't disprove that _some_ people won't.
> 
> Are you serious? The man is saying that he is not sexually or romantically fulfilled, how is that a 'guess'? Other people have claimed the same thing.
> 
> The frustration of desire is stressful. Without sexual desire, there is no sexual frustration.


This guy gets it.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

*No, it would be difficult to prove that "most individuals will never get to experience romantic or sexual fulfillment in their lives" (and it's probably not true) but he didn't say that. He said *some* people will never experience this and, given that romantic/sexual fulfillment is subjective, you can't disprove that some people won't.
*

Mianthropic, I know he said "some people". And so did I. Yes, I can't disprove that some people won't experience romantic or sexual fulfilment. But what's dangerous is the blanket assumption that some people won't. It's dangerous as a general assumption and dangerous as a personal assumption made by an individual. We are not gods. We are mortal and we do not know what will happen to us throughout our lives. Therefore, to seek the removal of such desires based on guesses about what will happen in our future would be a dangerous course of action.

*Are you serious? The man is saying that he is not sexually or romantically fulfilled, how is that a 'guess'? Other people have claimed the same thing.*

You've put that under a quote of what I've said where I'm talking about the assumption of a category that people fit into. I did go on later on to ask about how the poster knew they fitted into such a category (if, indeed, they thought they did) as I am interested in the thought processes and belief systems. But the guess I spoke of which you challenged was the guess that such a category of "people who will never, without a doubt, experience romantic or sexual fulfilment in their lives" existed. In this instance, that was the guess I was talking about.

*The frustration of desire is stressful. Without sexual desire, there is no sexual frustration.*

So, if I find living my life stressful for a time....I need to kill myself because it's my life causing me the problem and removing my life would be categorically positive for me in terms of what is right for me? Erm...nope. What I'm arguing is that you cannot say for sure that the removal of such sexual desires would be a good, positive thing for the person. Regardless of whether they will or would or have experienced sexual or romantic fulfilment in their lives.


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## Recipe For Disaster (Jun 8, 2010)

jhanniffy said:


> It's sex and the like I get nothing from, but I do love romance and affection!


are you interested in being romantic and affectionate with men over women? if so, i wouldn't consider you asexual in the strictest sense (although you'd probably fit some defintions of it). i tend to think of asexual people as having no sexual orientation.


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## Misanthropic (Jun 25, 2010)

> Mianthropic, I know he said "some people". And so did I. Yes, I can't disprove that some people won't experience romantic or sexual fulfilment. But what's dangerous is the blanket assumption that some people won't.


I think a 'blanket assumption' is an unfair claim about an entire group of people. I can't say that all or most Muslims are terrorists if I don't know all or most Muslims but I can say that some of them are, since I know of at least 2 or more Muslims who are terrorists. It's just a practical fact that not everyone in life will experience sexual or romantic fulfillment, there have been many human beings in the past who have died without ever experiencing sexual or romantic fulfillment.



> It's dangerous as a general assumption and dangerous as a personal assumption made by an individual. We are not gods. We are mortal and we do not know what will happen to us throughout our lives. Therefore, to seek the removal of such desires based on guesses about what will happen in our future would be a dangerous course of action.


You have a point here, he doesn't know that he won't experience romantic or sexual fulfillment in the future. We can never know for certain what will happen so we have to make certain calculations and weigh possible pros and cons of certain decisions. It may be that if he were incapable of romantic/sexual feeling that he wouldn't care if he had the opportunity for romantic/sexual fulfillment because he no longer wanted it, or he may regret not having what would be pleasurable, I don't know.



> So, if I find living my life stressful for a time....I need to kill myself because it's my life causing me the problem and removing my life would be categorically positive for me in terms of what is right for me?


Suicide can be a form of euthanasia, only the person who wants to commit suicide can determine whether or not the happiness they may experience in future (even if this happiness was guaranteed) could 'make up' for the standard of living they currently have. Unlike removing sexual/romantic desire, nobody who successfully commits suicide can regret having done so (at least not if death is a state of unconsciousness).


> Erm...nope. What I'm arguing is that you cannot say for sure that the removal of such sexual desires would be a good, positive thing for the person. Regardless of whether they will or would or have experienced sexual or romantic fulfilment in their lives.


First, let's define 'good' or 'positive'. If removing sexual/romantic desire would make someone happier than they are with those desires, it would be good thing. If it would make them sadder, it would be a bad thing. Whether or not it would, I'm not sure, but I think there are definite, possible advantages (they've been mentioned). I don't see how you can argue that the removal of romantic/sexual desire could be a bad or negative thing regardless of whether or not they ever experience sexual/romantic fulfillment in the future (and I'll include masturbation and the pleasure people get from just having crushes as 'fulfilling' here).


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

*I think a 'blanket assumption' is an unfair claim about an entire group of people. I can't say that all or most Muslims are terrorists if I don't know all or most Muslims but I can say that some of them are, since I know of at least 2 or more Muslims who are terrorists. It's just a practical fact that not everyone in life will experience sexual or romantic fulfillment, there have been many human beings in the past who have died without ever experiencing sexual or romantic fulfillment*.

Can I just ask: how do you know there have been many human beings in the past who have died without ever experiencing sexual or romantic fulfilment? Were these people interviewed about the levels of sexual or romantic fulfilment they had experienced seconds before their deaths?

It's not a practical fact, it's a possibility. It is possible that some people, for whatever reason, may not experience sexual or romantic fulfilment (whatever those things mean to them). It's not a practical fact.

*You have a point here, he doesn't know that he won't experience romantic or sexual fulfillment in the future. We can never know for certain what will happen so we have to make certain calculations and weigh possible pros and cons of certain decisions. It may be that if he were incapable of romantic/sexual feeling that he wouldn't care if he had the opportunity for romantic/sexual fulfillment because he no longer wanted it, or he may regret not having what would be pleasurable, I don't know.*

Yes, we don't know. If a person assumes they are in a category of people who will never experience sexual or romantic fulfilment in their lives then they may well make their decisions about desire removal based on that belief system. That's dangerous. There did seem, in some posts on here, to be a blanket assumption that simple removal of the desires would be a good thing with no problems or side effects and it's clear that that state of affairs would be very unlikely to occur if a person had such desires removed.

*Suicide can be a form of euthanasia, only the person who wants to commit suicide can determine whether or not the happiness they may experience in future (even if this happiness was guaranteed) could 'make up' for the standard of living they currently have. Unlike removing sexual/romantic desire, nobody who successfully commits suicide can regret having done so (at least not if death is a state of unconsciousness).
*

The suicide reference may have been a bit flippant and was me basically making the point that just because something is causing you problems doesn't mean you should automatically get rid of it. But there is an issue here: getting to the mindset where you consider suicide could well mean that there is an infection in the mind and things are not being seen as they are but through a particularly negative and hopeless viewpoint. So they may have a distorted idea of what they are currently experiencing as "life", what other people think and feel towards them...etc...etc.

This doesn't mean that the person wouldn't have the right to decide but again, the assumptions being made may be dangerous and the thinking may be impaired by and vulnerable to any number of things both external and internal.

*Unlike removing sexual/romantic desire, nobody who successfully commits suicide can regret having done so (at least not if death is a state of unconsciousness).*

And it is precisely because people could regret the removal of such sexual/romantic desires that the decision to do so should never be taken lightly (if it were possible) and sweeping assumptions and guesswork should be kept out of the thinking as much as possible.

*First, let's define 'good' or 'positive'. If removing sexual/romantic desire would make someone happier than they are with those desires, it would be good thing.*

In that case, go and give an alcoholic a drink. Because some alcoholics would be much happier with a drink then without one. Doesn't make giving them a drink automatically a good thing though. If removing the desires would make someone happy for the moment but would destroy their life and or happiness in the future, what then?

*If it would make them sadder, it would be a bad thing. *

Not necessarily as I mentioned in the paragraph above.

*Whether or not it would, I'm not sure, but I think there are definite, possible advantages (they've been mentioned).
*

There may well be advantages. Or what people in their current mindsets think of as being advantages for them. But that still doesn't make the removal of such desires an automatically positive thing to do.

* I don't see how you can argue that the removal of romantic/sexual desire could be a bad or negative thing regardless of whether or not they ever experience sexual/romantic fulfillment in the future (and I'll include masturbation and the pleasure people get from just having crushes as 'fulfilling' here).*

It's very easy to argue that. That's not actually quite what I argued. What I argued was that one could not say for sure that the removal of the desires would be a good/positive thing.

We don't know what is going on within a person. Thanks to the different awareness levels, people often aren't always aware of what's going inside of them. They don't know their futures, they don't know what positive benefits they may be getting from those sexual desires even though they feel frustrated now. They don't know whether the removal of those desires would make them happy now, in the future, happy now or not in the future or not not happy at all. It could even destroy a person emotionally in some cases.

It could be a a negative thing even if it first looks like the removal of such things was a positive thing.

Basically, removing the desires would be playing with fire and unknown variables that exist now, have existed and are possibilities in the future. And it would be playing with people's lives.


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## JFmtl (Dec 23, 2008)

Basis my answer of asexuality means lack of sexual desire, but not necessarily lack of romantic desire, I dont think i would want to be asexual.

While the odds are slim that i find I girlfriend, if I do find one, I would not want asexuality as something who could ruin the relationship, or at least bring loads of frustration, as I would not be able to satisfy her in that department, and knowing i would be missing an important part of relationship.


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

*joinmartin*: I understand the point you're trying to make. You're saying that getting rid of one's sexual desire wouldn't be a good permanent solution, and in general I'd agree. I don't think I'd ever choose to be permanently asexual because, as you point out, I'd be missing out on something pleasurable. But if I could temporarily kill my sex drive, I wouldn't hesitate to do so. If my sexual desire had a convenient on/off switch, I'd be keeping it in the "off" position for the time being.

I never meant to suggest that I belong to some "category" of people who will never know sex. And as frustrated and hopeless as I might feel, I don't assume that my current state of celibacy will last forever. But in the short-term, there's just no way I'm getting laid. My poor psychological state makes me very unattractive, in addition to making me untrusting and sexually repressed. Hence the intense frustration, hence the desire to rid myself of my sex drive. Simple.

In any case, thanks for your perspective. I'm glad I got a good conversation going.


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## Lasair (Jan 25, 2010)

Recipe For Disaster said:


> are you interested in being romantic and affectionate with men over women? if so, i wouldn't consider you asexual in the strictest sense (although you'd probably fit some defintions of it). i tend to think of asexual people as having no sexual orientation.


I'm straight, I mean at least I think I am - like I have never been that close to another female, but when I get close to a guy (not that there have been many) in a romantic sense it's that I like the closeness and the company. I wouldn't be that close if I wasn't comfortable with them, If I don't like their personality, manner, outlook in life and it's that connection that makes me want to get closer to a person and makes me fall for them, if that makes sense!


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## Recipe For Disaster (Jun 8, 2010)

it makes sense. i guess you would be the type of girl who would be great for a guy who had some kind of problem rendering him unable to have or enjoy sex. it's kind of nice to know there are girls out there like that, in case my penis got cut off or something.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

*joinmartin: I understand the point you're trying to make. You're saying that getting rid of one's sexual desire wouldn't be a good permanent solution, and in general I'd agree. I don't think I'd ever choose to be permanently asexual because, as you point out, I'd be missing out on something pleasurable. But if I could temporarily kill my sex drive, I wouldn't hesitate to do so. If my sexual desire had a convenient on/off switch, I'd be keeping it in the "off" position for the time being.*

My comments here have been motivated to a large part by the fact that, earlier on in my life, I attempted to temporarily kill my sex drive based on information that was basically provided by a negative belief system I had about myself and the potential sexual encounters that I might have. Doing this damaged me on an emotional and psychological front and it took a lot to heal and repair the damage.

I cannot say what would go on with another person were they to temporarily kill their sex drive but I know some of the dangers of attempting to mess about with such things on a psychological and personal ecology level.

*I never meant to suggest that I belong to some "category" of people who will never know sex. And as frustrated and hopeless as I might feel, I don't assume that my current state of celibacy will last forever.*

Indeed, I don't think you argued such a thing but I wanted to challenge the assumption some made that there were some people who would be in a category of people who would never achieve sexual or romantic fulfilment.

*But in the short-term, there's just no way I'm getting laid. My poor psychological state makes me very unattractive, in addition to making me untrusting and sexually repressed. Hence the intense frustration, hence the desire to rid myself of my sex drive. Simple. *

I appreciate that. But your poor psychological state does not automatically mean you won't get laid. You may well have problems trusting and problems with being sexually repressed but these things do not disqualify you automatically from sleeping with someone.

*In any case, thanks for your perspective. I'm glad I got a good conversation going.
*

Thank you to you for raising the issue and best wishes to you.


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

joinmartin said:


> My comments here have been motivated to a large part by the fact that, earlier on in my life, I attempted to temporarily kill my sex drive based on information that was basically provided by a negative belief system I had about myself and the potential sexual encounters that I might have. Doing this damaged me on an emotional and psychological front and it took a lot to heal and repair the damage.
> 
> I cannot say what would go on with another person were they to temporarily kill their sex drive but I know some of the dangers of attempting to mess about with such things on a psychological and personal ecology level.


Could you be more specific? I understand if you don't want to go into details, but it might benefit some people (myself included) to hear your story. If you don't want to make it public, perhaps you could PM me?



joinmartin said:


> I appreciate that. But your poor psychological state does not automatically mean you won't get laid. You may well have problems trusting and problems with being sexually repressed but these things do not disqualify you automatically from sleeping with someone.


Ok, technically you're right. Miracles do happen. :teeth

Maybe I could get laid tonight if I changed my attitude. My main problem is that I'm very uncomfortable expressing interest in women because I _assume_ I'll be rejected, and because I place too much importance on how other people view me. This stems in large part from my low self-esteem. A negative belief system, like you said.

It's been over two years since my last attempt at flirtation. I'm a little rusty (not that I was ever even slightly skilled). Years of avoidance tend to make things look quite scary. Rejection in particular is an extremely scary prospect, and it's inevitable that it will happen much of the time.


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## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

I do sometimes, but then I realize that if I ever WERE asexual, I'd probably hate it. 

You know, the whole "Be careful what you wish for..." thing.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I don't want to be asexual. I want to have a sexual relationship.

The difference is that, I can't, and therefore I'm perpetually horny. And that makes my life miserable.


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## kerosene (Oct 26, 2010)

A lot of sympathy here. So much of the time sex doesn't seem worth it and I need to take a long break.


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## LatchKeyKid (Jul 30, 2010)

WintersTale said:


> I don't want to be asexual. I want to have a sexual relationship.
> 
> The difference is that, I can't, and therefore I'm perpetually horny. And that makes my life miserable.


Very much how I feel. But let me ask you this (hoping you read this): what makes you so certain you *can't* get laid? Not that I know you, but as a neutral observer, I can't help feeling that you're wrong in what you think.

I tend to be much less judgmental (and much more charitable) in forming opinions of other people rather than myself. I can look at myself and think, "you're unattractive and no woman would desire you sexually". I'm biased because, for reasons I can't fully explain, I _loathe_ myself. I know I shouldn't.

Perhaps you're suffering from a similar bias when evaluating yourself. Perhaps it's a common thing among us on SAS, or maybe it's just me. In any case, I'm nearly certain that you're capable of having a sexual relationship. You're a human being and, by virtue of that, there will almost certainly be people out there who find you interesting and attractive.


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I was thinking recently I might want to be, but really being able to physically be with a woman is a nice experience, and I know when it would be with somebody who I am extremely close to an intimate with that it would be a very important thing, because connecting physically is not just connecting physically, it is the sum of all your feelings for a person and that physical expression of love/passion is just a small way in which to show how much you would love and care for that person.

Of course, it is not something asexuals can relate to, but something which they might begin to understand over the course of their lives. Maybe, or maybe not. But IT IS something to be missed imo.


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## Belshazzar (Apr 12, 2010)

Sometimes I wish I had an asexuality switch.


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## Jellybean2010 (Jan 3, 2010)

You could try exercising in abundance, it works for a lot of people....It's a combination of sweating out hormones and keeping yourself tired....it helps with depression and anxiety too


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## alex999 (Oct 21, 2008)

Honestly the 7 months I was on Lexapro I pretty much felt asexual. I had little to no desire for a girlfriend or any type of intimacy. I had a hard time understanding why people have relationships. Now off the med I'm absolutely desperate for intimacy. If this feeling continues and keeps making me miserable I'll have to go back on Lexapro just to numb my sexual feelings.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

No, I do not. For the past 10 days or so, my sex drive has been through the roof. It makes me feel alive.


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## strawberryjulius (Jun 28, 2009)

I go through periods of asexuality where I don't want to do anything sexual with men or women, not even kissing. My sexuality is always moving and changing. That's why I don't label myself anymore.


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## Steve123 (Sep 13, 2009)

At times, and at times I actually am.


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## sydney urbanite (Sep 12, 2010)

Hell Yes.
I'm also pleasantly surprised by the number of other people around the Social Anxiety community who also want to become asexual.

This also reminds me of the anti-sexual movement, something which I found quite interesting. More information on it is available on Wikipedia.


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## Sindelle (Oct 22, 2010)

Yes I wish I was asexual. I wish I didn't have any desire at all


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I wish I could find a girl I find hot, and who finds me hot as well. Then I wouldn't be so lonely.


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