# Unsure about therapists behaviour... Transference



## sol65 (Nov 13, 2014)

I have seen my therapist for about a month about social anxiety. One thing I have not told her is my sexuality. I feel awkward about it (I am a girl), even though it is something I have many hugely problemtic issues about related to social anxiety (how others see me), and internalised homophobia.....

Well I am worried she may have guessed about how I feel.
Also, last session I noticed she kept fidgeting a lot and playing with her hair, and also her clothes were more revealing and things like that.. It just made me uncomfortable.

Am I reading into this too much? Maybe I should find a new therapist?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

sol65 said:


> Am I reading into this too much?


Most likely yes. I'd say you're projecting you're own discomfort with your sexuality onto her, because you already said you have a lot of SA about it. I'd say if you moved to another therapist a similar issue would arise. Maybe less so with a male therapist? But I still think you'd be triggered by that too. It's in your interest to open up about the role your sexuality plays in your SA because it needs to be addressed. But if you're not ready for it, then you're not ready...


----------



## InFlames (Nov 20, 2015)

Most therapists are just horrible. I have one know I'm trying to get rid of who cuts me off during an import retelling and looks at the clock and starts printing out paperwork. He's so dumb that he has worked there a year and still knows how to do anything. The one before that was a 27 year old Intern who wasn't even a therapist yet but I said alright because at least she was kinda hot. She was doing good until she panicked and called the ambulance on me and almost had me committed.


----------



## lonerroom (May 16, 2015)

InFlames said:


> Most therapists are just horrible. I have one know I'm trying to get rid of who cuts me off during an import retelling and looks at the clock and starts printing out paperwork. He's so dumb that he has worked there a year and still knows how to do anything. The one before that was a 27 year old Intern who wasn't even a therapist yet but I said alright because at least she was kinda hot. She was doing good until she panicked and called the ambulance on me and almost had me committed.


If you think that is horrible, try having the same therapist from the age of 5 to 12 who ends up using everything against you when CPS takes you away and puts you in a group home, all the drawings you shared with her because you thought she was your friend held against you, her telling them you are a crazy disturbed child and then staff try their hardest to prevent you from drawing or being creative at all, and it doesn't help when mom says she might have slept with dad, but I don't know if thats true or not about her sleeping with dad but she was a horrible backstabber, I ran into her when I was 17 and she looked at me all awkward and she said nothing and walked away.


----------



## sol65 (Nov 13, 2014)

InFlames said:


> Most therapists are just horrible. I have one know I'm trying to get rid of who cuts me off during an import retelling and looks at the clock and starts printing out paperwork. He's so dumb that he has worked there a year and still knows how to do anything. The one before that was a 27 year old Intern who wasn't even a therapist yet but I said alright because at least she was kinda hot. She was doing good until she panicked and called the ambulance on me and almost had me committed.


Well in my case I don't think she was being 'horrible' per se

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

Could have been nervous. Maybe she wasn't feeling the best and was anxious for the day to end. Lots of women, even professionals have a habit of wearing revealing clothing. I've lost count of how many attractive counselors, therapists & practitioners have cleavage showing when dealing w/ clients or wear casual clothing as if they were at home or walking down the streets. Nothing you've said indicates there's any kind of attraction or transference happening.

I sometimes wonder if my therapist or counselors etc.. I've dealt with might be attracted to me. In these cases there are usually signs that indicate attraction or at least give that perception. Here's a brief story for example.. I started seeing a therapist in November when I went for a walk in appt. after my father just passed away. I met this attractive female therapist around my age. What I found attractive about her was more than just physical. She has anxiety too so I was drawn to that, I like her nervous giggle and smile. Right away I was attracted to her having just met prior to any therapy taking place. I wasn't afraid to test the waters and practice some mild, casual flirting w/ her. In the beginning she used a "we" statement "Maybe we can help each other with our anxiety" or along those lines. Can't remember exactly how she said it. My sister started seeing her before me. When she became aware of this conflict of interest, she refers my sister to another therapist but keeps me? Over our sessions she seems like she's become a bit flirty w/ me. We joke, I've made her laugh and we laugh with each other, she's teased me a bit. She gets very nervous and giggly when she comes out to get me for our sessions. She's very fidgety during our sessions, rubbing her hands on her legs and making attempts to initiate joking w/ me. 

I think she's into me and when I go on talking about my problems I get a cold reaction and/or she'll roll her eyes. I don't blame her because I know she may not be conscious of it. Sometimes it's as if she expected me to say something funny/witty, I blanked out or had nothing and got the same blank stare, eye roll as if she was disappointed. The session before last I got her laughing then she pulled her hair on one side toward the back of her head, tilted her head a bit then we locked eyes and gazed at each other for at least a few seconds. 

In our last session she looked like she had something on her mind when we sat down. When I made her laugh the last time we were talking about an annoying neighbor, how I would approach him and what would I say to work at being more assertive. She immediately starts off about this neighbor and I know what she was getting at. I tried to come up with something and she looked with much anticipation. Like she was waiting for me to drop something witty/funny to make her laugh. I searched the depths of my mind but had nothing. So I said I had nothing and got the same cold stare and eye roll expressing disappointment. But I got her laughing somehow and while talking she was looking at me and touched her neck with her fingers. When we get talking our sessions are running over by at least ten or fifteen minutes.

I started talking about losing my father, how traumatic that was on me. She was able to get back on track and acknowledge we haven't really been talking about my issues. So outside of this she has been mostly professional. I am already aware of transference, ethical guidelines and boundaries. I know that nothing could ever happen between us nor do I expect it to.

I'm afraid to say anything. I don't want to lose her as my therapist. I don't want to be wrong, she probably wouldn't admit if she was attracted. I like her as my therapist, I am comfortable with her and feeling more confident. Other than this "flirting" she hasn't overstepped any boundaries and discussions have been focused on me, nothing about her or her personal life, issues.

I don't even know why I'm admitting this. For people to say there's nothing there, she's just being nice and probably like that w/ everyone or that I'm overthinking/crazy. My apologies as I didn't want to hijack this thread for my own personal issues and story. I thought it may be helpful to op to discern actual transference/attraction.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

As I can't figure out how to edit my post here's another.. Last session my therapist mentioned that I have quite a few skills. I'm fairly certain, like 99.9% if not 100% certain I've not admitted anything to her other than I've been working on my father's car. Naturally I became suspicious and wondered if she's secretly checking my FB.


----------



## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

One of my therapists asked me out. She was a wacko.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

^ Yeah there's a lot of crazies working in the field. One of my friends was literally stalked by a MHR counselor. I won't go into details for fear they may come across this forum and I swore confidentiality to my friend that hasn't gone public on this abuse.

Another thing, since my father passed away I've moved back in with my mom, sis to help out. We go out shopping and run errands together. If we go shopping and they have appointments I sit in the waiting room until they get done. When my therapist walks through or to grab other clients she'll keep glancing over at me. She waves but I'm not sure if it's directed at me or another client. I think it's me from the direction she waves and when I have an appointment she won't wave, just come out and call my name.


----------



## greyandgreenbean77 (Dec 23, 2013)

She could very well be doing that. It might not be your social anxiety. Maybe she has demons of her own and she's trying to tempt you now that she knows your weakness. It could also be how your reading into it, but I'd get a male therapist if I were you or join a in person group or something. Don't set yourself up for failure. Why do you question your sexuality?

It reminds me of that Danny phantom episode I watched when I was like...actually that was like a few years ago lol don't judge me I'm 24 haha. Anyway the therapist was making him feel worse on purpose... Sometimes cartoons are pretty honest, perfect example rockos modern life is the adult world at its finest.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

We probably should have asked for details.. Clothes were more revealing how? As I said if it's cleavage that's pretty much normal. If she's wearing really short skirts, questionably inappropriate/revealing clothing or adjusting her clothing to be intentionally more revealing or enticing then I'd raise an issue. Being fidgety could just be her being nervous, anxious or even bored. If the therapist is being unethical or you can't work past these distractions and focus on therapy then therapy with this therapist won't be very effective imho. So, if the therapist is crossing ethical boundaries I'd raise an issue then promptly find a new therapist. As the above poster mentioned you might be reading into it and suggest you to look into a male therapist or someone you won't be attracted to.


----------



## sol65 (Nov 13, 2014)

KMI32 said:


> We probably should have asked for details.. Clothes were more revealing how? As I said if it's cleavage that's pretty much normal. If she's wearing really short skirts, questionably inappropriate/revealing clothing or adjusting her clothing to be intentionally more revealing or enticing then I'd raise an issue. Being fidgety could just be her being nervous, anxious or even bored. If the therapist is being unethical or you can't work past these distractions and focus on therapy then therapy with this therapist won't be very effective imho. So, if the therapist is crossing ethical boundaries I'd raise an issue then promptly find a new therapist. As the above poster mentioned you might be reading into it and suggest you to look into a male therapist or someone you won't be attracted to.


I don't think her clothing was inappropriate. But there were just quite a few things, like dropping stuff on the floor a lot, and playing with clothes sometimes, and she was playing with her hair a lot...

I don't think that much of it, but I just don't get why there so much stuff like that in the last session when usually there is nothing...

But I am thinking of quitting therapy anyway because it is quite hard to talk when you have social anxiety

Also, I don't feel comfortable talking to men :/

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## hmweasley (Sep 12, 2013)

KMI32 said:


> As I can't figure out how to edit my post here's another.. Last session my therapist mentioned that I have quite a few skills. I'm fairly certain, like 99.9% if not 100% certain I've not admitted anything to her other than I've been working on my father's car. Naturally I became suspicious and wondered if she's secretly checking my FB.


I feel like that could have been an attempt to build up your confidence. It could easily have been an "everyone's good at something" sort of thing, but who knows since I don't know how it was delivered or anything.

I also wouldn't be suspicious if she acted anxious at only one session since there are a multitude of reasons that could have been happening. Actually, even if it happens over a period of time, there's always the possibility that she has something going on in her own life that's causing it. I wouldn't worry too much about you being the cause.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

^ She admitted she has anxiety too and said to me in our first or second session "Maybe we can help each other with our anxiety"

The way she said it sounded like she knew what skills I have. My FB is pretty much public, My life is pretty drab and I've nothing to hide. I never told her what other skills I have except working on my father's car. She was pretty general with that statement and didn't elaborate further. Maybe I'll see if I can catch her on some stuff with some clever wording.

Besides everything else I mentioned, after I started therapy w/ her there was someone that looked like her that circled the block twice starting at me as they went by. I've seen the same vehicle parked at or on street parking for the MH facility when we've been there. If there's attraction, can't it be from both sides and not necessarily transference? I'm sure if I met her on the street I'd be attracted to her just the same. If she is trying to build confidence then just.. stop. But I don't think that's the case because no other "T" I've seen has done this with me or anyone else, I don't think they're allowed to do that. Therapy there w/ anyone has has been strictly business with therapists remaining professional. Also, I wouldn't claim my "T" was attracted unless there was some evidence through body language and actions supporting it. Otherwise I'd just end up attracted to every "T" or professional I interacted with. I'm fairly intelligent and very good at reading people and picking up on things. But I dunno it's possible that I might be reading into things. I am observing her body language and her reactions during our sessions and giving time to make a conclusive determination.

I used to be so naive I never believed that attraction to clients does happen. As I said I realize either way that nothing could ever happen because of ethical guidelines. She could lose her license and job, get into legal trouble. Besides, I went through the whole spiel about boundaries when I was flirted with by an IPRT practitioner a few years back. I'm certain she was flirting because she would say/do the following to me,


* *





- Asked what countries I'd like to vacation to and if I ever considered going to Belize (her favorite country)
- Asked about me making a house call if she ever had computer trouble.
- Teased me that I was lucky she liked me.
- Made effort to be close to me. Would sit next to or near me.
- Wanted me to guess where she had a tattoo.
- Showed interest in me above other clients.
- We were watching a movie in class, I leaned back to stretch and saw her gaze fixated on me. She turned away when I looked towards her.




She was damn good looking, sadly nothing ever came of it. In fact I got rejected asking her out for coffee and the incident left me in further distress. I wrote her a note, hid it behind her calender which is a pretty crappy way to ask someone out. The incident got blown out of proportion and treated as a big scandle. I overheard her talking to her boss and sounded like she felt terrible for reporting it. I think she might have gone for it if I had more confidence and asked her properly. This all happened following my attempted suicide which I believe caused her to lose respect for me and her interest to wane. Now she quit that job and moved to Australia as of a couple months ago.


----------



## Ominous Indeed (Sep 6, 2015)

KMI32 said:


> ^ Yeah there's a lot of crazies working in the field. One of my friends was literally stalked by a MHR counselor. I won't go into details for fear they may come across this forum and I swore confidentiality to my friend that hasn't gone public on this abuse.
> 
> Another thing, since my father passed away I've moved back in with my mom, sis to help out. We go out shopping and run errands together. If we go shopping and they have appointments I sit in the waiting room until they get done. When my therapist walks through or to grab other clients she'll keep glancing over at me. She waves but I'm not sure if it's directed at me or another client. I think it's me from the direction she waves and when I have an appointment she won't wave, just come out and call my name.


What you wrote at the bottom is very normal behavior.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

I know it's normal. No boundaries have been crossed yet. As long as she doesn't cross boundaries attraction or no attraction it's normal. There have been some obvious signs there indicating some level of attraction unless you are suggesting it's not possible for a therapist to be attracted to a client? I'm good at reading people and picking up body language, I've doubted myself before and turned out the person was actually attracted and flirting. I'm not incompetent, am fairly intelligent and level headed. I'm not one to fabricate something that isn't there otherwise this would be consistent with the several other attractive MH professionals I've dealt with over the years. My attraction didn't occur during therapy, I was attracted to her from the instant I met her. I wouldn't doubt there to be attraction as we are about the same age. We could have been in school together.

Maybe I wasn't very clear with explaining her body language and actions. Regardless I'm going to give it a bit more time for observation in our sessions. If this was normal as in part of therapy then other "T's" would act like this as well.

Therapists can be a bit "crazy" too ya know.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

Btw my first paragraph was just generalizing. I was stating that there have been therapists that disregard ethics and have stepped over boundaries, that it does happen. I wasn't specifically referring to my therapist and insinuating her actions were abnormal or she was being unethical. Attraction is normal, acting upon it would be abnormal and unethical of her.


----------



## Xtreme2damax (Feb 20, 2016)

Maybe I'm shooting the **** here but I don't want to take any more discussion away from the OP.

@OP, I apologize for diverting discussion of your concerns and if I seemed harsh in my last post in regards to you.


----------

