# Resigned to loneliness



## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

I'm going to be 25 within the month and I've pretty much resigned myself to a lifetime of loneliness and lack of companionship.

I know, I know, all the cliches, "it happens when you least expect it!" or "things will get better!", but those don't really apply to most people with SA, they apply to people with healthy social networks who consistently engage in social interaction with new people and thus always have a chance of meeting someone new and falling in love.

That however does not apply to me in the slightest. I have absolutely no social network thru which I can meet other people, and even if I did, my anxiety would prevent me from doing so. I do not interact with females in any way in person. There's only one female at my job, and she's married (I wouldn't consider dating a co-worker in any case), and I don't go anywhere else. My days consist of nothing but going to work, and coming back home to my apartment. I am NEVER in any type of situation where I could even hope of meeting a girl.

Suppose the unlikely happens and I bump into some girl at the grocery store or whatever, just like you'd expect to happen in the movies. For a "regular" guy this might very well be an opportunity to make a date. For me, it would amount to nothing, because I'd be panicking and scared sh*tless, and try to flee the situation as quickly as possible, interacting with as few people as possible. So I can't even hope for the unlikely movie-like situations.

I've become totally disenchanted with dating sites. A guy like me just can't compete on them. They're ridiculously unbalanced when it comes to male/female ratio. For every girl on there, it seems like there's 100 guys messaging her. I just can't compete with all of them. I've tried for years and years on them and always failed. Its hard enough to sound appealing enough on your profile to have the girl actually spend her time to reply to your message, but then you have to carry a convo with her and get her interested in you. Its totally impossible for me.

Usually one of the first questions she'll ask are things like "So, what do you like to do for fun?" or even worse "Tell me about your friends?" I've tried both approaches, telling the truth, and being evasive. Telling the truth is disasterous. Not once did it go over well. Being evasive doesn't work much better either. I don't want to flat out lie because lying always comes back to haunt you.

In either case, she always becomes quickly bored with me. (And no, this isn't just SA talking, I've been told literally by girls "you're boring".) I suppose this is my fault. I don't have many interests or hobbies, and the ones that I do are very obscure and not very amenable to social activity. Also, I hate to stereotype, but most of them are not things that girls are typically interested in. Most are not impressed if you tell them your hobby is "reading books about quantum mechanics". Thats hardly an activity you can share together as a couple. The girls who are kind enough to not tell me flat out I'm boring quickly shift from "I'm evaluating you as a potential date" mode to "I'm being polite so I don't hurt your feelings" mode. Their replies become shorter and shorter, and take longer and longer to come. Eventually I just give up. Conversation with anyone is extremely draining for me and I can't keep it up for very long.

Some might suggest "well maybe you'd have better luck with a girl who understands your anxiety!". That might very well be true, but its pretty hard to find any girls like that. Some might suggest SAS, but despite a few success stories, its not very easy to find any relationships here. I've been on SAS for something like 6 years, and only have made a few friendships over all that time. None of them have lasted to this current time. This board is quite active for a mental health forum, but the number of people here is still very low to have anything but a negligable probability you'd hit it off with someone. The fact that all of us here have SA makes it even harder because people are less open to conversation or forming friendships.

I really don't want to do any type of long distance relationship. I've had some bad experiences in the past trying things like that and really don't want to repeat them. Any type of relationship I'd have would have to be with a person close to me so I can actually interact with them in person. This makes all the harder, since its very unlikely for me to find a person who lives near me, and who I'm attracted to on this site (or any other site for that matter.)

Well, I've rambled for long enough I'm sure. In summary, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't see any way out of this, barring some extremely unlikely event, and I'd be foolish to pin my hopes on that. Meanwhile I see people around me getting married, starting families, and here I am still wondering what a kiss feels like....

(Oh, and please nobody say "you're still young!". That may be relatively true, but most people my age are well advanced in terms of relationships, and I'm not. I really don't want to be trying to date and start a family when I'm 45 (no offense to those people who have or are trying, its just my preference). If I ever do have a family, I want it to be before I get too old. In any case, thinking about a family is miles ahead of where I am right now and probably where I will be stuck.)


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## Chris 2 (Dec 1, 2007)

I am in your shoe except that I am only 19. You pretty much cover all the basic, so no one can argue with you there. All I can say and this is from the bottom of my heart is that I just hope that you will find love someday. I know what it feel like to be scare of girl, it sad when I keep having to ditch my friends because both of them are girls. I mean when I'm in the dinning hall with them, I don't know what to say. My life has been a constant roller coaster ride. I absolutely have not done anything that will make a girl interested in me. Never play any sport, never ever been in a rock band, never in any club, and never really have any real friend until college. My background is as boring as anyone with Social Anxiety.


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## redkit (Mar 14, 2006)

25 is a very young age.
I had my first relationship at the age of 40.
I am 45 now.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

try friendster, myspace and chatrooms


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

Find other people interested in technology -- maybe one of the meetup.com groups. There are a lot of women techies these days.


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

> My days consist of nothing but going to work, and coming back home





> Suppose the unlikely happens and I bump into some girl at the grocery store or whatever, just like you'd expect to happen in the movies. For a "regular" guy this might very well be an opportunity to make a date. For me, it would amount to nothing, because I'd be panicking and scared sh*tless, and try to flee the situation as quickly as possible, interacting with as few people as possible.


I'm exactly the same way. My days amount to getting out of bed, going to work and coming straight home. 
If I'm walking down an aisle in the store looking for something I need and theres an attractive woman in that area I will go out of my way to avoid going anywhere near her until she's gone. Most guys would jump at a chance like that but not me. Same way when I pay for stuff; I get so nervous around young female cashiers I will avoid them if at all possible, even if it means walking to the other end of the store to a different checkout counter. My anxiety is so severe around the opposite sex its pathetic...Its by far the most frustrating and depressing part of my life.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

i figure if im still single by age 35 then i'll just seek out a wife overseas


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## St.Paul (Dec 25, 2007)

I gave up all hope at just about your age and now I'm kicking myself for waisting so much time.I understand why you feel the way you do,my days are exactly like yours and I have no social life at all.For a long time I told myself that I can live alone forever,it'll be ok.It's not ok though,I want some friends and I *need* a woman.Life sucks when your alone and you should not submit to despair like I did.In time the *need* will become undeniable and you too will be kicking yourself.


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

Yeah, my situation is pretty much identical to yours and your thoughts are my own. I know I lead a boring life and how am I supposed to say I have no friends?

I hate those cliches, they're just lies to try to make you feel better temporarily. Because generally you've got to be the pursuer, love doesn't just "happen". I'm even younger than you, I know it's silly but I've already given up. I've become disillusioned with everything, including dating sites. I feel like I don't fit in to that general shallowness, and I really don't want a part of it...

I guess all we can do is keep trying despite failing, keep pursuing, learning to take initiative in my case, and learn to not panic so much... easier said than done.

I guess deep down I still have a slight hope but I know it's realistic. I can't tell if this lifestyle is even the best for me. I suppose the best route is to make myself better first before trying to establish a successful relation with another human being.

I feel like you, I don't wanna wait until I'm middle-aged before having my first relationship. Perhaps that's society's customs drilled into my brain. When I go out of my way to avoid girls and people in general... what to do. I used to tell myself I could survive alone, but now I desire that connection to other human beings that I've lacked for the longest time. Striking up a friendship... I don't know how people here do it, let's leave it at that 

In all I suppose it's get rich or die trying, make ourselves *gasp* learn to love ourselves and able to be comfortable alone in our own bodies. Then perhaps the rest is more likely to follow. Take risks? Idk, I don't want to look back and consider this wasted time. :stu


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I think if I am still single by the time I am 30 then it's just going to be heroin for me.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

:hide

I am working on having friends first. I really don't see the big deal about having a relationship is. I'd really rather have friends right now, anyway. :stu


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

try concerta, it makes me many times more social.


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## Classified (Dec 7, 2004)

Noca said:


> try concerta, it makes me many times more social.


How can you be more social, if you have nothing to be social about? What is the point of having a bunch of 5 minute conversations with people that never get anywhere? And I don't have time to talk to random girls that will turn out badly 99% of the time. (Yea for negative thoughts!)

I agree with you ColdFury. Even if I did somehow get into a relationship, there is only about a 20% chance of it being successful in the long-term.

What's the point?



nubly said:


> i figure if im still single by age 35 then i'll just seek out a wife overseas


There are some issues with that route, but I can't say that it wouldn't be a good route to take. There are some good qualities about them.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Thanks to everyone who replied.



> An unbalanced male:female ratio on dating sites or being perceived as boring would be easily surmountable obstacles if anxiety were removed from the picture;


Perhaps. I often worry that even if my anxiety disappeared at the snap of a finger, that I would still struggle and have problems. Most of my interests are totally independent of my anxiety and thus I worry I'd still be perceived as "boring". My idea of fun is to read a 800 page textbook on quantum mechanics, and I think that would be true regardless of my anxiety, its just what interests me, and most "normal" or "social" activities do not.



> I don't know what steps you've taken in regard to treatment, but that's my last source of hope and why what now seems an inevitability I feel could change if I actually started putting some effort into working on my SA instead of sitting here dwelling on all those things it's denying me.


I've gone to therapy for years, done CBT, both in group and one-on-one with a doctor, tried a whole bunch of medications, etc, etc. Nothing has helped unfortunately.



> try friendster, myspace and chatrooms


I find myspace even harder to use. At least on dating sites there's an expectation that if you're on there, you're looking to meet someone. The vast majority of people on myspace aren't there to look for dates. As for chatrooms, I actually don't enjoy them that much. I only frequent one and thats for historical reasons. Chatting with "normal" people usually gives me anxiety or boredom.



> Find other people interested in technology -- maybe one of the meetup.com groups. There are a lot of women techies these days.


My interests aren't really so much technology focused. I'm more interested in mathematical and theoretical concepts. I'm not aware of any meetup groups to discuss things like quantum chromodynamics, etc, etc. Anyways, even if there were groups that interested me, like I explained in my previous post, I would be so anxious and scared, I would not interact with anybody and leave as soon as I could. It is absolutely impossible for me to be remotely comfortable enough in any type of situation like that, that I would engage in conversation with anyone.



> Life sucks when your alone and you should not submit to despair like I did.In time the need will become undeniable and you too will be kicking yourself.


Believe me, you don't need to tell me that life sucks when you're alone. I never said I don't *want* a relationship. I really do feel a desire to have one. I'm just facing reality with a cold, impassioned analysis of my life situation and prospects. If I knew a way out, I would take it.



> try concerta, it makes me many times more social.


I've tried enough medications as it is. At the best, they did nothing at all, at the worst they gave me terrible side-effects. I no longer feel like playing doctor merry-go-round to have the honor of trying even more.


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## EagerMinnow84 (Sep 1, 2007)

I pretty much resigned to the fact that this is how it is going to be for me. I do not see a guy ever saying "I am the luckiest guy in the world" in relation to myself. 

The weird thing is is that I don't even think I am that boring. I mean I have interesting interests, I can talk about a variety of things, I am really into art, people think I am funny, that I have a "unique" personality. My shyness and anxiety isn't nearly as bad as it was before. It's just that I don't see a guy wanting to take the time to get to know me and like me. Whenever I think "ooooh I think this guy might be interested!" after long phonecalls and emails, then we meet then its "mmmm...no thank you." I have no problem talking on the phone and even in person I am a lot more at ease than I ever was with a guy. 

I don't know if it is my personality or my looks or a mixture of...whatever. 

I am going to be 24 in a couple months. I know my life isn't over or anything, that I am still young. I think a relationship is meant for other people, not me.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

"So what do you do for a living?"

At least ColdFury & Lonelyguy have a fine answer for that question. I can't even make it past question #1.

My truth: "Uh, nothing." Doesn't go over well at all.


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## WinterDave (Dec 5, 2003)

The absolute best that my life gets now is when I have a new movie to watch or a book to read...Other than that it's just working at a job that I hate...I see absolutely no hope of things ever getting better...


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I could've very easily written word for word Coldfury's first post. Everything said fits me to a "T".

Socializing is just something that I cannot do. It's not even limited to just women. Guys, girls...it doesn't matter. I'm extremely awkward and unsocial around everyone.



> That however does not apply to me in the slightest. I have absolutely no social network thru which I can meet other people, and even if I did, my anxiety would prevent me from doing so. I do not interact with females in any way in person. There's only one female at my job, and she's married (I wouldn't consider dating a co-worker in any case), and I don't go anywhere else. My days consist of nothing but going to work, and coming back home to my apartment. I am NEVER in any type of situation where I could even hope of meeting a girl.
> 
> Suppose the unlikely happens and I bump into some girl at the grocery store or whatever, just like you'd expect to happen in the movies. For a "regular" guy this might very well be an opportunity to make a date. For me, it would amount to nothing, because I'd be panicking and scared sh*tless, and try to flee the situation as quickly as possible, interacting with as few people as possible. So I can't even hope for the unlikely movie-like situations.


 :ditto

I'll be alone forever. I'm not thrilled with that outcome, but after nearly 27 years of doing everything by myself, I'm kind of used to it by now. And besides, it's not like you really know what you're missing when you've never gotten the opportunity to experience it in the first place.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

For a "regular" guy this might very well be an opportunity to make a date. For me, it would amount to nothing, because I'd be panicking and scared sh*tless, and try to flee the situation as quickly as possible, interacting with as few people as possible - this is definately me 

meeting someone who I can actually talk to is a problem too 

Even though I'm 29, I still feel like there's hope


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## Amocholes (Nov 5, 2003)

Lord Baden Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, didn't get married until he was 55. His bride was 18.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Amocholes said:


> Lord Baden Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, didn't get married until he was 55. His bride was 18.


Pulling an 18 yr old at age 55...damn what lucky guy. He must have a lot of money.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

At times I am tempted to give up on a social life, maybe do heroin like BeNice said, but living alone is no way to live. It hurts too much. You've just got to push and push and push yourself to participate in life. That hurts, too, but there is a reward.


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

You have to be proactive if you want to succeed, its always easy to just mope around and be depressed, but no fairy is going to show up at your doorstep and grant your wish. I know its hard, but you have to be motivated and push yourself regardless of the sucess rate. You may get rejected, but its just the way of life. 
From my perspective, youre a cute guy, even if you perceive yourself to be boring it will eventually engulf you and become your role. I'd start with dating sites if face to face interaction is difficult, write an interesting profile, something funny, sarcastic , quirky about yourself, avoid the monotonous and expected desription like "nice, down to earth guy looking for soulmate", it may be true, but its old and girls who browse through profiles will read the first sentence and move on. Good picture is also important, definitely a happy, smiling one, maybe participating in a hobby or with friends if possible. Genuine smile is always a turn on.
Email as many women as possible, but again, avoid generic questions, use something catchy, be interested in whatever they are interested in. 
I dont know where your stance is with your anxiety, but the most important thing is confindence, women love assertive men, when you meet them, dress appropriately, we always notice what you wear, nothing sloppy or stained. Make eye contact smile and again ask about her interests and hobbies, its really not that complicated. You just have to say that to yourself. 

Anyways, I gotta run, but best of luck.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> I'd start with dating sites if face to face interaction is difficult


Well, like I said, I've been doing dating sites for over 6 years now.



> Good picture is also important, definitely a happy, smiling one, maybe participating in a hobby or with friends if possible.


I don't have any friends, and my hobbies are things like reading or doing math, which don't make interesting pictures. All my pictures are taken by myself, which makes it hard to make them interesting.



> write an interesting profile, something funny, sarcastic , quirky about yourself,


I try, but I get seized with anxiety trying to write any kind of thing about myself, and it makes it extremely difficult for me to write anything interesting. I do my best, but mostly fail at it. I really don't have much to say about myself anyways.

Its rather hard to be charming and interesting in the midst of an anxiety attack.

Thanks


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## LostinReverie (Mar 18, 2007)

I share your frustration. Having nothing that a male would look for in a mate, I have no hope of ever being "loved", if such a thing really exists.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

Equisgurl said:


> From my perspective, youre a cute guy, even if you perceive yourself to be boring it will eventually engulf you and become your role. I'd start with dating sites if face to face interaction is difficult, write an interesting profile, something funny, sarcastic , quirky about yourself, avoid the monotonous and expected desription like "nice, down to earth guy looking for soulmate", it may be true, but its old and girls who browse through profiles will read the first sentence and move on. Good picture is also important, definitely a happy, smiling one, maybe participating in a hobby or with friends if possible. Genuine smile is always a turn on.
> Email as many women as possible, but again, avoid generic questions, use something catchy, be interested in whatever they are interested in.


1. "Funny, sarcastic and quirky" is not part of my personality. Such mannerisms, verbal or with body language, are not something that comes naturally to me.

2. I don't have any good pictures with a genuine smile.

3. You make it sound like the guy is supposed to automatically take an interest in whatever the woman likes. What if the woman's interests don't attract me? Why would it be a good idea to email her? Isn't the objective to find a significant other who you share interests with?


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## minimized (Nov 17, 2007)

That's the problem, being assertive, funny, etc...


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## Equisgurl (Nov 22, 2004)

I was just trying to set an example, theres gotta be an admirable quality you like about yourself? 
By taking interest I mean finding someone you think is compatible in a way and getting to know them, youre not expected to meet the person the first week, I talked to a guy for like 4 months before we met and it was great because we already established a common ground and found things to talk about in person. 
I know its a daunting task, I've been in that boat for so long, but its not impossible, you have to really want it or it will never change.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

Equisgurl said:


> I was just trying to set an example, theres gotta be an admirable quality you like about yourself?
> By taking interest I mean finding someone you think is compatible in a way and getting to know them, youre not expected to meet the person the first week, I talked to a guy for like 4 months before we met and it was great because we already established a common ground and found things to talk about in person.
> I know its a daunting task, I've been in that boat for so long, but its not impossible, you have to really want it or it will never change.


I have yet to be able to carry a conversation on with a person from a dating site for 2 hours, let alone 4 months. Its all a moot point when you're so anxious and nervous and unable to make even basic conservation. They don't hang around long enough for me to even try to get to know them.



> Isn't the objective to find a significant other who you share interests with?


This is another huge issue for me. I rarely see anyone on dating sites that I share any interests with and intrigues me in anything more than a purely physical way. This makes it even harder to carry a convo since I have nothing in common with them!


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## eagleheart (Jun 14, 2007)

I'm only 22 but I feel I'll be alone forever too, which I posted about in another thread, but it comes down to this, Who could put up with me? I mean, the fact that I'm shy apparently is bad enough, partly because of which I actually would like to be with a shy guy, but, I just think the odds against would be astronomical. It honestly would not matter to me what farflung corner of the earth he's from (IOW I don't rule out a LDR), but I know it does matter to other people (which I understand is their preference). All this really leaves me... nowhere... not to mention most males find me unpleasant to behold. :b

I don't know. I want to be hopeful again, but I never like to get my hopes up, because they could very well just be dashed... :sigh



Shauna said:


> I guess i'm in the same boat. The only men that show interest in me are in the 31-40yr old age range.


Now that I think of it - of all the males who have shown any kind of interest in me whatsoever, one was my age, the other three were all 30s I think :con

For me, six years younger than my father would be 60 and I just don't know about that age difference :rofl



> I'm talking to this 40 yr old guy now. It was going pretty well, untill i found out, he had a live in lady friend. Jerk..ugh..i hate men!!! :mum


Gag!! uke What is up with that?

I feel bad for my mom (my parents are separated) - for example, she and some guy in the States were very fond of each other, until he suddenly wrote to her that God told him not to communicate with her anymore. :rain I could go on. My dad has someone now - I hope my mom can find the right guy for her soon. :sigh

I feel kind of discouraged, too, because if my MOM has trouble (I know, I know, I'm 22, she's 60)... well, none of you know her, but she's awesome.


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