# I got over my social anxiety. if you want help AMA



## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

I had really bad anxiety in high school. I couldn't look people in the eyes, had no friends, stayed in my room, didn't have a girlfriend. I now have friends, have had three girlfriends but now im single, and I can hold a conversation well IMO. I used to struggle and hate the feeling so I want to help anyone here. I used to be on here for when I had anxiety, looking for solutions and ideas. I wanna do that for other people if I can.


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## Dark Jewel (Jul 18, 2014)

I'm beyond help, x.x . But congrats.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

What's AMA?

Excuse me, I forgot the other things I wanted to say. Thanks for offering help. It's nice to meet you, irracudi. I'm so happy to have found someone who's gotten over their social anxiety coming back here to help.


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## Losti (Aug 23, 2012)

Well . . . What particularly worked for you? I mean I've managed to kind of improve my life over the last few years. Still a long way to go, but I've just been finding ways of doing that around my social anxiety without confronting it, so unfortunately I'm just as bad as always.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Talk to me, Losti. I'll help you.


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

Rufus said:


> What's AMA?
> 
> Excuse me, I forgot the other things I wanted to say. Thanks for offering help. It's nice to meet you, irracudi. I'm so happy to have found someone who's gotten over their social anxiety coming back here to help.


thanks, nice to cordially meet you alsoooo. it's 'Ask Me Anything', particularly used at reddit.


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## 546617 (Oct 8, 2014)

ok so the most obvious question is, how did you do it?


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

Losti said:


> Well . . . What particularly worked for you? I mean I've managed to kind of improve my life over the last few years. Still a long way to go, but I've just been finding ways of doing that around my social anxiety without confronting it, so unfortunately I'm just as bad as always.


Well, what's an instance in which you would say is generally an example of your anxiety making things difficult?


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

KurdishFella said:


> ok so the most obvious question is, how did you do it?


it's a really long story. it'd just be easier if you'd explain. since everyone is so different, what i did may not work for all, but i could give you some advice.


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## microsleep (Jan 11, 2016)

How do you push yourself to get through situations that you find uncomfortable, or would rather avoid? For example, if you had to go out to a social gathering with some new people but you really didn't want to/were scared, how did you push yourself to go rather than stay home?


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

microsleep said:


> How do you push yourself to get through situations that you find uncomfortable, or would rather avoid? For example, if you had to go out to a social gathering with some new people but you really didn't want to/were scared, how did you push yourself to go rather than stay home?


that's a good one. well, you're prob scared because you don't know what's gonna happen or some other reason. why do you think you're anxious? people or else?


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## microsleep (Jan 11, 2016)

irracudi said:


> that's a good one. well, you're prob scared because you don't know what's gonna happen or some other reason. why do you think you're anxious? people or else?


Yeah it's the normal thing, like worrying you will do/say something stupid or people won't like you etc.


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

microsleep said:


> Yeah it's the normal thing, like worrying you will do/say something stupid or people won't like you etc.


you're trying to please other people. if you consider the opposite view, they want to not look/say something stupid and be likeable to you. next time you go out and do something, ask yourself if you like Them because you're a person too. as for doing something stupid. people have short memories if you do something dumb or offensive. actually, the best course is to divide people into two categories: people you want to like you, and people you are apathetic about. i wouldn't be difficult to a person whom you don't give much care about if they like you or not, but i wouldn't go out of my way to make them like me anyways. if you have more info, feel free to share.


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

irracudi said:


> that's a good one. well, you're prob scared because you don't know what's gonna happen or some other reason. why do you think you're anxious? people or else?


as for the motivation...i would think about what i could get out of it. whether it be a friend or a good time or a new experience to talk about with other people. sometimes an awkward experience with people is perfect fodder for a conversation with someone with whom you want to be friends


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

irracudi said:


> as for the motivation...i would think about what i could get out of it. whether it be a friend or a good time or a new experience to talk about with other people. sometimes an awkward experience with people is perfect fodder for a conversation with someone with whom you want to be friends


Now here's an element of blood. Do I want the person I had an awkward experience with to like me, or do I not care? I have compassion for the person I had the experience with, but I doubt I will want to get to know the person, or if it's even possible, any time soon. What if somehow an anecdote I share with someone else somehow gets back to the person with whom I had the awkward experience, and they are offended that I talked about them?


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## Hikikomori2014 (Sep 8, 2014)

Congrats!


I wish there were more posts of members with SA returning changed.
This is very promising


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

Rufus said:


> irracudi said:
> 
> 
> > as for the motivation...i would think about what i could get out of it. whether it be a friend or a good time or a new experience to talk about with other people. sometimes an awkward experience with people is perfect fodder for a conversation with someone with whom you want to be friends
> ...


That depends on your tastes. If the person you feel is a collaborator in your "awkwardness" is someone you think you would like to get to know, then ask some questions etc. You don't have to be friends with a million people. I will allow it lol. However, you can become friends with someone you feel awkward with. My formula for awkwardness is (expectations - what actually happens). I'll explain. When I expect a high five from a kid when I put my hand up (societal expectation) and then he looks down and says something like "hey where is your dad" (what actually happens) then it is awkward, no? See? If he had done what I expected, it would not have been so awkward.

Now, there are two apparent ways to fix this. One is, Do everything exactly how society or culture expects us. This is possible. Go with all the latest styles and slang, wear your hat backwards etc. You might call these adherents or people 'fake' or 'superficial', but really it's just their way of getting around all that awkwardness, which no one likes.

I do way number two. This is to not expect anything, or very little. Not expecting anything from people really helps me and gives me a chance to be impressed whenever they actually do do something that society expects. Remember, we all have different expectations, and some us have the same and click well.

Finally, I've noticed introverts tend to be more awkward because i think they tend to have more expectations than extroverts. Probably a result of reading so many books. They expect people to act like the person in the book, or in their head in the scenario they made up. Don't think people should act a certain way, and you might see a decrease in the way you perceive something as having awkwardness.


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## irracudi (Feb 7, 2016)

Rufus said:


> irracudi said:
> 
> 
> > as for the motivation...i would think about what i could get out of it. whether it be a friend or a good time or a new experience to talk about with other people. sometimes an awkward experience with people is perfect fodder for a conversation with someone with whom you want to be friends
> ...


Also, I think the expectations people have may be about feeling. Example: the smile that guy gave me was awkward because I did not expect to feel so uncomfortable from it.

Don't care about if the story gets back to the original person. You would have told the story right, which is that it was awkward and maybe they made it awkward, but they aren't a bad person for doing so. Don't be so afraid to offend people as long as you don't imply or say they are a bad person.


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## DerrickOdea (Aug 17, 2015)

Congrats you have successfully got over anxiety...


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

irracudi said:


> That depends on your tastes. If the person you feel is a collaborator in your "awkwardness" is someone you think you would like to get to know, then ask some questions etc. You don't have to be friends with a million people. I will allow it lol. However, you can become friends with someone you feel awkward with. My formula for awkwardness is (expectations - what actually happens). I'll explain. When I expect a high five from a kid when I put my hand up (societal expectation) and then he looks down and says something like "hey where is your dad" (what actually happens) then it is awkward, no? See? If he had done what I expected, it would not have been so awkward.
> 
> Now, there are two apparent ways to fix this. One is, Do everything exactly how society or culture expects us. This is possible. Go with all the latest styles and slang, wear your hat backwards etc. You might call these adherents or people 'fake' or 'superficial', but really it's just their way of getting around all that awkwardness, which no one likes.
> 
> ...





irracudi said:


> Also, I think the expectations people have may be about feeling. Example: the smile that guy gave me was awkward because I did not expect to feel so uncomfortable from it.
> 
> Don't care about if the story gets back to the original person. You would have told the story right, which is that it was awkward and maybe they made it awkward, but they aren't a bad person for doing so. Don't be so afraid to offend people as long as you don't imply or say they are a bad person.


Thanks, you made me feel better. I won't worry that a story I tell someone gets back to the original person because I won't imply they are bad.

I also don't expect much but I tend to think I ought to be able to because I have so much anxiety and sadness without expectations.


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## JDsays (Oct 20, 2015)

@irracudi What changed? How did you go from SA to not having it?


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