# My teacher made me cry..



## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

I've had a hard time in biology because you have to choose groups pretty much every class and I have no friends and too anxious to talk to anyone. The teacher knows I have social anxiety, but pretty much humilated me announcing I didn't have a group and forced kids to work with me.

My therapist made me write a letter to the teacher about how she can help me with this. It went something like this: You're a really nice teacher, I want to be successful in your class, I have a hard time finding groups bc of anxiety, maybe you could assign groups, blah blah blah. I was really anxious about giving it to her but I did and this is how it went:

Me: I have a letter for you, like for how you can help me with my anxiety. -I put my bag on her desk just to get the letter out-

Her: Don't put your bag on my desk. Put it on the desk behind you. Thank you.

:afr so I give her the letter and after a few seconds she stands up and seems really angry. I don't even think she read the whole thing.

Her: I will NEVER assign groups, I can tell you that. I think people work better with their friends. And I can't take the time everyday to number off groups just to accommodate ONE person or we won't get anything done. You're in high school. You need to be able to work with people for a job, college.. Do you plan to go to college?

Me: Yes..:um

Her: So in college you need to be able to work with people and make friends. That's why I never assign groups.

Me: I-I didn't expect you to b-but my therapist helped me wr-write it and she s-said to write that.. (I was literally stuttering, and I never stutter. I was just so scared)

I could feel the tears coming, I tried to hold them back but I couldn't.

Her: Is your therapist in this state? Does she know the standards for public high school and how we have to get everything done before the MCAS testing? We're on a tight schedule. So I won't assign groups. We have to meet half way.

Me: I don't want you to be mad at me :afr and I was like pretty much crying and she didn't care

Her: Let's go into the hallway (because her class started to come in) I'm not mad at you I'm mad at the situation. (what situation? I was just trying to strategize with her!)

I didn't really listen to what else she said, but she suggested I work with two "really nice" girls who are actually really mean but they always talk to her so she loves them. I'm just like ok and she went to her class.

I was so embarrassed I didn't go to any of my classes and I stayed home from school today. Am I overreacting? I feel so stupid. I'm never going to that class again.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Memory said:


> Her: Is your therapist in this state? Does she know the standards for public high school and how we have to get everything done before the MCAS testing? We're on a tight schedule.
> ...
> Her: Let's go into the hallway (because her class started to come in) I'm not mad at you I'm mad at the situation.
> ...
> what situation?


Hmm, looking at this from the teacher's point of view, she may very well be under a lot of her own stress and pressure, leading to the response you got (the public education system, I would imagine, can be a nightmare to deal with as a teacher).

I'm thinking that her comment about being "mad at the situation" was to say "_I'd like to help you, but I don't have the time or the spare mental energy to do it, so you're on your own._"



Memory said:


> Am I overreacting? I feel so stupid. I'm never going to that class again.


Well, you're not overreacting. It's a bad situation all around.

Tell your therapist exactly what happened. Really, it sounds like she could use a lesson in reality.

A letter to the teacher was not the best idea. If you need individual or special treatment, then it would probably be better to have your parents call the school and go through administration or the guidance office (it's their job to deal with this kind of stuff). The job of the teacher is to oversee the class, and in the public education system, they don't have time to cater to individual needs.

The letter idea may have worked with a teacher not-yet-hardened by the 'system', but your teacher seems to be 'over the hill' in that regard. She may be more receptive to a directive from a colleague or an administrator.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

Yeah I understand how teachers have to follow policies, I just wish they weren't so explosive about it.

I was going to give the letter to my special Ed teacher to give it to her, but I thought it would be good for me if I just did it myself. I guess she would have been more receptive if it was another teacher. Normally the teachers have been really accommodating for me, because they know I have an IEP because of my anxiety. I wasn't trying to force her to do anything, it was just a suggestion, but apparently I hit a nerve.

I might be switching to another class where I actually have a friend. It's lower level and gives less credits, but whatever. I'm not going back to that biology class ever again. :rain


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Just Lurking said:


> Hmm, looking at this from the teacher's point of view, she may very well be under a lot of her own stress and pressure, leading to the response you got (the public education system, I would imagine, can be a nightmare to deal with as a teacher).
> 
> I'm thinking that her comment about being "mad at the situation" was to say "_I'd like to help you, but I don't have the time or the spare mental energy to do it, so you're on your own._"


No, **** that! The teacher was way out of line. I've been a teacher (admittedly not in the US) and her treatment of the OP is inexcusable.

Sorry that happened to you, OP  That was horrible of her.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

TicklemeRingo said:


> No, **** that! The teacher was way out of line. I've been a teacher (admittedly not in the US) and her treatment of the OP is inexcusable.


Well, you're also on a social anxiety support site, so I'd imagine you'd naturally be much more sympathetic to a student approaching you like this, regardless of what kind of stress or pressure you were under.

The teacher as described in the OP just sounds burnt out. She could have handled it a lot better, of course, but I would look more towards the system as a whole being the larger problem rather than the individual teacher. That's a much bigger topic with no remotely simple solution, however.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Just Lurking said:


> Well, you're also on a social anxiety support site, so I'd imagine you'd naturally be much more sympathetic to a student approaching you like this, regardless of what kind of stress or pressure you were under.
> 
> The teacher as described in the OP just sounds burnt out. She could have handled it a lot better, of course, but I would look more towards the system as a whole being the larger problem rather than the individual teacher. That's a much bigger topic with no remotely simple solution, however.


Burnt out or not (and I know all about that, it's mainly why I've stopped teaching) I don't think her response was in any way justified (or particularly intelligent, for that matter). Regardless of what problems the system has, we are each individually responsible for our actions, and her actions in this instance are not very admirable.

The OP's approach was actually pretty reasonable, the teacher's response doesn't really serve any purpose.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Regardless, this is a perfect example of why you're better off not approaching teachers directly. Sometimes it works out, but other times, it's a disaster like this.

High schools have guidance offices and administrators. Colleges have disability offices. They make for the best options.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Just Lurking said:


> Regardless, this is a perfect example of why you're better off not approaching teachers directly. Sometimes it works out, but other times, *it's a disaster like this*.


The disaster is entirely because of the teacher in this case.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

Just Lurking said:


> Regardless, this is a perfect example of why you're better off not approaching teachers directly. Sometimes it works out, but other times, it's a disaster like this.
> 
> High schools have guidance offices and administrators. Colleges have disability offices. They make for the best options.


If you've ever been in special ed you would probably understand that the counselors and teachers are always telling kids to "advocate for yourself". I talked to them about it and they were proud of me.:roll They're not going to do everything for me. I have to do a lot of things myself. Otherwise I would have suffered in silence and stopped going to school because of the groups situation.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

TicklemeRingo said:


> The disaster is entirely because of the teacher in this case.


So you've said, multiple times already.

I feel like I'm talking to the wall here.



Memory said:


> If you've ever been in special ed you would probably understand that the counselors and teachers are always telling kids to "advocate for yourself".


Keep going to the teachers like this then, and see how it works out for you.

Honestly.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

Just Lurking said:


> So you've said, multiple times already.
> 
> Keep going to the teachers like this then, and see how it works out for you.
> 
> Honestly.


um Have you ever been to high school? It's pretty much impossible to avoid talking to the teachers, unless you want to suffer in silence. You can't just ignore a problem and expect the teacher to read your mind.

I have been going to the teachers a bunch of times. They have all been extremely nice whenever I need missed work or have a question or whatever. Any of my other teachers would have been understanding. They've actually been helping me out with group situations since its in my IEP.
My counsellor even discussed this with her, but she still humiliated me in class. When everyone got into groups she announced that I didn't have a group, pulled kids out of their group of friends and said "Since you're the 'forced' group you get to pick your project topic." I mean could she have made it any more obvious?

This was the final straw. Since she refused, I'm dropping her class. It only hurts me, but that's the price I have to pay for having anxiety. I would have dropped it anyway, but I gave her one last chance.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

Memory said:


> um Have you ever been to high school? It's pretty much impossible to avoid talking to the teachers, unless you want to suffer in silence. You can't just ignore a problem and expect the teacher to read your mind.


There is "talking to the teacher about a problem" and then there is "talking to the teacher about something like _this_". I am telling you right now, the higher up you go, the worse this will get. If you think _her_ response was bad, just wait until you get into post-secondary.

_"Too anxious to do things in class? Get lost then. Drop out if you can't handle it. You're not my problem."_

Some teachers will bend, but most of them will just shrug their shoulders, and you will have to go through disability.



Memory said:


> My counsellor even discussed this with her, but she still humiliated me in class. When everyone got into groups she announced that I didn't have a group, pulled kids out of their group of friends and said "Since you're the 'forced' group you get to pick your project topic."


That's something to report back to your counselor, so that your teacher can be talked to again (by a 'boss' if need be). And if that doesn't work, report it to a vice principal. And if that doesn't work, tell your parents to call the school and complain. And if that doesn't work, you go the board.


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## Remnant of Dawn (Feb 22, 2012)

That sounds terrible OP...I remember how horrible picking partners is. What's worse is when you don't have anyone and the teacher won't even assign you to a group, they just say "well then go make a group of three." And you know whichever group you pick is going to groan and hold it against you that you ruined their time. It's better imo if the teacher just assigns you one, and then you can be like "well it's not my fault, she put me here."

I mean I get that alot of kids like working with their partners, and the teacher can't deal with/doesn't have time for drama regarding assigning partners everyday, but that BS about "kids working best with their friends" is wrong and if she doesn't damn well know it, she's an idiot. No one gets any work done with their friends. And she should at least be sympathetic and meet you halfway, trying to make it as easy as possible for you to not dread the partner thing everyday. I remember dreading PE every damn day in middle school because I'd have to awkwardly push my way into a group that didn't want me or just walk around pretending to be in a group. It sucked.

Good luck OP and just remember that you'll get through it. Although I've only been in college for a month now I have yet to be forced into partnering up with someone, beyond the simple "talk about this to the person next to you for 2 minutes" thing.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

Just Lurking said:


> There is "talking to the teacher about a problem" and then there is "talking to the teacher about something like _this_". I am telling you right now, the higher up you go, the worse this will get. If you think _her_ response was bad, just wait until you get into post-secondary.
> 
> _"Too anxious to do things in class? Get lost then. Drop out if you can't handle it. You're not my problem."_
> 
> ...


Do you know what an IEP is? Its a plan for students with disability. It describes what I have trouble with and how teachers are supposed to help. It's pretty much required by law that anyone working with the child HAS to follow it. Teachers hate IEPs, but too bad. They're supposed to follow it. My IEP requires the option to work alone or assign groups. Biology has labs so that's why it's so difficult. That's why I wanted to talk to her to see if there's any alternative, but no she wanted to explode on me.

I've reported everything to my counselor and special ed but they think she's sooo nice. :sus I'm not going to report it to the principal, etc because I mean why bother? If she wont do anything, she won't do anything. I don't want to make a big deal of it when I can just switch classes.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Just Lurking said:


> So you've said, multiple times already.
> 
> I feel like I'm talking to the wall here.


I repeat it because you keep making excuses for the teacher.

A good teacher would have handled that a lot differently.

Ok, you might not have very high expectations for US public school teachers, fine, but the OP wanted to know if she was over-reacting for being upset with what happened. I think she was justified in being upset.

I also got the impression she needed some sympathy and understanding rather than another 'tough love" lecture.


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## Memory (Mar 4, 2011)

Remnant of Dawn said:


> That sounds terrible OP...I remember how horrible picking partners is. What's worse is when you don't have anyone and the teacher won't even assign you to a group, they just say "well then go make a group of three." And you know whichever group you pick is going to groan and hold it against you that you ruined their time. It's better imo if the teacher just assigns you one, and then you can be like "well it's not my fault, she put me here."
> 
> I mean I get that alot of kids like working with their partners, and the teacher can't deal with/doesn't have time for drama regarding assigning partners everyday, but that BS about "kids working best with their friends" is wrong and if she doesn't damn well know it, she's an idiot. No one gets any work done with their friends. And she should at least be sympathetic and meet you halfway, trying to make it as easy as possible for you to not dread the partner thing everyday. I remember dreading PE every damn day in middle school because I'd have to awkwardly push my way into a group that didn't want me or just walk around pretending to be in a group. It sucked.
> 
> Good luck OP and just remember that you'll get through it. Although I've only been in college for a month now I have yet to be forced into partnering up with someone, beyond the simple "talk about this to the person next to you for 2 minutes" thing.


It's the worst feeling in the world. I hope you don't have to suffer through it again. Everyone got horrible grades on the last test.. why can't she see it's her own fault?? They're talking to their friends the whole time! ugh


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## musiclover55 (Feb 7, 2011)

Honestly, the teacher sounds like a total b****. 

It doesn't even take 5 minutes to "assign groups" (number off people, group people in same section/row, etc). It doesn't take any extra "brain power" to do so. It doesn't affect the quality of the student's work ethics and in my experience, people barely get sh!t done when they're working with friends (goofing off, the smart friend does most of the work, etc). 

Sorry that you had to go through that. I wish some teachers were more caring, as expected of them. To some, it's just a job.


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## VeMuñeca (Sep 5, 2013)

That teacher sounds rude. I've never come across a teacher like that. Almost all of my teachers have suspected I have something wrong with me so they are caring. This biology teacher of yours sounds like a pain. The next time she is like that point it out. I can't stand hot mess teachers like that!


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## nevernotanxious (Dec 19, 2012)

She waaay overreacted to you, dang. What a jerk. A good teacher would not have made you feel bad for your anxiety. It doesn't matter what kind of stress she was under, it is a teacher's job to guide students in the right direction and help them when they need it. I told one of my high school teachers about my anxiety once, but it wasn't until I had graduated-I went back and visited him and told him about it. He said that that was okay and I was obviously a bright student and understood the material, and that he knew I would overcome it with time. That's what a good teacher should tell you. You definitely did the right thing by approaching her directly-it shows you can be an adult and do things for yourself, and admit that you need help. If I were you, I'd switch out of that class too-you don't want a teacher who doesn't respect you. Sometimes you have to do things for you, no matter how hard or scared they make you feel. If you don't think you'll do well in that class because of her, then switch classes. Do what you have to do. You'll be happier in the long run.


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## LydiaC (Jul 10, 2013)

Memory said:


> I've had a hard time in biology because you have to choose groups pretty much every class and I have no friends and too anxious to talk to anyone. The teacher knows I have social anxiety, but pretty much humilated me announcing I didn't have a group and forced kids to work with me.
> 
> My therapist made me write a letter to the teacher about how she can help me with this. It went something like this: You're a really nice teacher, I want to be successful in your class, I have a hard time finding groups bc of anxiety, maybe you could assign groups, blah blah blah. I was really anxious about giving it to her but I did and this is how it went:
> 
> ...


I think your teacher was referring to your social anxiety as the situation. Clearly she doesn't understand what it is and the true impact of it. She probably believes that you can just easily 'switch it off' when you want to and you're not 'trying hard enough' to make friends and join a group.

Honestly i don't think it was personal, though it was not warranted and she was a total cow for doing that. but from her perspective, she works in a public school, doesn't have enough time, doesn't get paid enough etc and just can't be bothered doing something that really takes no effort at all. perhaps if she was to talk to your therapist she'd understand what's going on. a letter to her was a bad idea, but can't erase the past. yeah take their advice and just move classes. of if you are stuck in the class, i guess all u cna really do is let the teacher put u into a group.


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## prettyful (Mar 14, 2013)

Your therapist was stupid for telling you to write the teacher a letter. You should have gone to the teacher after school or at a time when nobody else would be around and spoken with her about your issues.


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## gravyskies (Apr 21, 2016)

I know this thread is three years old but I want to give my two cents in.

Teachers are human. Some teachers may be sympathetic towards anxiety disorders, others will not. Many teachers desire to help but lack the resources or the patience to do so. Other teachers are too caught up in their own stress and lash out at their students. The public education system, at least here in the U.S., is a mess and can be very overwhelming for a teacher to deal with. It's not an excuse, of course, but it explains why that teacher acted the way she did.

My best piece of advice is to not take it personally OP. That teacher sounded stressed and frustrated from the looks of it, causing her to respond in a uncaring way.


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