# Why even bother?



## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I don't even worry about dating-type relationships any more. It's like I've totally accepted the fact that I'm unlikely to attract anyone, and while it may be painful from time to time, it makes things a lot easier, so long as I avoid eye contact with any girls I might be attracted to. It's just much, much easier to live without that stuff. Does anyone else do the same thing-just tune those thoughts out? Is this healthy, or is it going to drive me off the deep end (my worry about everything)?


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## SupportiveGF (Apr 25, 2006)

People were meant to find love, it's part of maslow's heirarchy of needs. I don't know how old you are or anything about you, but I will say this. If you get treatment for your SA, probably depression as well, your outlook will change. I know it's hard now, and you feel like it's hopeless, but hang in there. Someday you will be feeling good enough about life to stop looking at your shoes and you will she a girl that is worth the risk.


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## Prodigal Son (Dec 11, 2005)

Sounds like you are giving up, which is a bad idea and a recipe for disaster IMO>


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

Prodigal_Son said:


> Sounds like you are giving up, which is a bad idea and a recipe for disaster IMO>


It's just so much easier than feeling bad and putting myself down all the time. A lot of people can live perfectly happy lives being celibate...at least that's what I tell myself. And it's true, for some.

It's really annoying, though-there's this girl who lives in my building who is always being sweet to me, and I have no idea why. I wish I could just be thankful that a near-stranger is being nice instead of wondering if she could potentially think I'm attractive (which is really unlikely).

I'm in college (for now) by the way.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

> If you get treatment for your SA, probably depression as well, your outlook will change.


I got treatment for my SA and my outlook is the same. Unfortunately we all can't get treatment and improve. 

I feel very much like the poster, I feel hopeless. I try not to think about it, but its hard. I think I am incapable of the whole thing, and I don't see any hope of change.


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## ott (Aug 2, 2005)

VelvetElvis said:


> Prodigal_Son said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like you are giving up, which is a bad idea and a recipe for disaster IMO>
> ...


It works but only if you're genuniely OK about it, if you're not it's just painful. I tried to just "accept my fate" for a while and become a happy workaholic instead, but I eventually changed my mind.


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I guess a lot of people feel similarly-any advice though? I'd just like to make life more pleasant overall, and I really don't have any sort of solution-I'm unhappy not wanting a relationship, and I'm unhappy doing the opposite.


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## Zephyr (Nov 8, 2003)

> It's just much, much easier to live without that stuff. Does anyone else do the same thing-just tune those thoughts out?


I do that too. Well, since starting meds I've been basically asexual - and I didn't have much of a libido before then anyway. So for me it's pretty easy.


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## Lyric Suite (Mar 16, 2006)

> Why even bother?


Got something better to do?

Reasons why you should bother:

1) Because it's you right, damn it.

2) Fate dealt us the wrong cards, and this is the correct answer

I won't stop trying until my last breath has expired, and even then i'll come back from the dead and still chase girls around. I'll have to eat their flesh, but no biggie.

Any question?


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## orpheus (Nov 16, 2003)

presently i don't feel hopeless in that department because i'm trying to work on myself (in terms of school and a career). I suppose if i threw myself into the market i would fall back into a neverending cycle of dissapointment.


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## scairy (Sep 18, 2005)

VelvetElvis said:


> I don't even worry about dating-type relationships any more. It's like I've totally accepted the fact that I'm unlikely to attract anyone, and while it may be painful from time to time, it makes things a lot easier, so long as I avoid eye contact with any girls I might be attracted to. It's just much, much easier to live without that stuff. Does anyone else do the same thing-just tune those thoughts out? Is this healthy, or is it going to drive me off the deep end (my worry about everything)?


I have had similar thoughts but I'm unable to accept it. I've told myself that no one exists that would date me let alone have a relationship with me and yet I continue to look at women and find them attractive. I tried to stop all eye contact but I can't now (maybe because it's no longer rainy outside but more summer like). I feel a stronger push now than ever before. I feel like my outlook on relationships has changed however. I feel like the idea of finding a longterm relationship is a fantasy with society's current values. You'd think I would go for church going girls but I feel they're too good for me. So if I ever do get in a relationship I plan on just keeping a mindset of enjoy it while it lasts and when it ends it ends; move to the next. The last step is getting myself to not fear rejection. I wish I had the mindset of those loser guys that ask out the ladies in commedy movies and get rejected but don't even seem phased.

Like dumb and dumber. I desperately want to make love to a school boy.

Tell me my chances "not good". Like how bad, 1 in a 100? "More like one in a million".


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## heckyll (Mar 27, 2006)

I too find it extremely futile sometimes.

The main thing that inhibits me are not my looks, or even my SA, but my interests and my values.

The very fact that I have no intention of getting a job anytime soon in and of itself cuts about 98% of females out. I do not hold to conventional American values and ethics.

Also, I have an uncommon combination of interests. My _whole theme_ is being _cheap and lazy and efficient_, which really rubs most females the wrong way. (ie: biking for transportation, hunting/foraging/dumpster diving for food, thrift store clothing, washboard for clothes washing, etc). So... yeah.


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

I guess I'm just confused about what I can do to be happier-I see attraction as more of a disease than anything positive, as it has never led to anything positive for me. But there's really no getting rid of it (at least if you keep yourself intact...but that's not much of an alternative).


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

I don't have problems with my looks, i think i look ok. But i'm not a guy you would take too meet your friends and family because it would just get really awkward :um


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## whiteclouds (Mar 18, 2004)

When I get a crush on a guy, I do nothing about it. I don't even know how to approach them.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

I think it best to neither want a relationship nor want to avoid them. Wanting one would lead me to be unhappy for failing to ever find one, but a dislike of relationships would mean being controlled by the prospect and actively avoiding, which is just as bad. So I pick neutrality. ('Course it's a bit of a faked neutrality given that my avoidance of people already rules out romance, but I can at least say it's only the people I'm avoiding and not the romance.)


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## nesteroff (Nov 14, 2003)

I've given up on anything real, too, but I live in my imagination. 

I basically have just given up completely on relationships until I can learn to cope with my SA and depression and do all the things I've been completely avoiding the last ten years - like live independently, have a job and finish school, have friends, all the things I need (want) to focus on first. My last relationship was so bad that I think it made my SA worse. Plus, I was so anxious and depressed, I became dependent on him. That's something I don't want to repeat. I don't want to get into another relationship until I stop feeling like a mental case half the time. 

Until then, when those feelings of loneliness hit, I'll just keep on living in a fantasy world. 

:b 

I'm really starting not to care. Whatever gets me through the day. :stu


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## GraceLikeRain (Nov 9, 2003)

VelvetElvis said:


> It's like I've totally accepted the fact that I'm unlikely to attract anyone, and while it may be painful from time to time, it makes things a lot easier


 :hug 
I try to accept that as my fate, but then someone special comes along, and I start to hope again...for no reason.  Sorry, I do not have good advice.


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## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

I've been where you are and I can tell you, it does get better but it requires effort on your part.

Geez, looking back, I was the most negative person all through college and never had much of a love life. Looking back though, I can see why, it was me, my actions.

All of your actions have led you to where you are today.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.

I finally turned the corner when I forced myself to be more social and I just ****ing tried. I mean, I have a long way to go still, but I do have a loving girlfriend now and I can say it's the results of my actions, she didn't just fall onto my lap!

Point is, I've been where you are, I've been suicidal several times but I got through it, and I know that you can do the same.

Please, feel free to message me if you'd like any more advice because I really know where your coming from.


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## Longie (Jul 14, 2004)

VelvetElvis said:


> I guess I'm just confused about what I can do to be happier-I see attraction as more of a disease than anything positive, as it has never led to anything positive for me. But there's really no getting rid of it (at least if you keep yourself intact...but that's not much of an alternative).


Me too...I've gotten a lot better with regard to my SA than before, but none of it has made this kind of thing any easier... :stu


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## Ross (Apr 10, 2004)

vincentgallo4president said:


> I've been where you are and I can tell you, it does get better but it requires effort on your part.
> 
> Geez, looking back, I was the most negative person all through college and never had much of a love life. Looking back though, I can see why, it was me, my actions.
> 
> ...


What were your actions? What did you do? Is there any hope for someone like me who has never even had a girl show she is interested?


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

This is all well and good...but I don't know what to do when I'm in the bottom 5% of the population in terms of looks. I'm seriously one of the ugliest people I've ever encountered-and I consider the majority of people fairly attractive.


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## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

Ross said:


> vincentgallo4president said:
> 
> 
> > I've been where you are and I can tell you, it does get better but it requires effort on your part.
> ...


Basically, I just went for it. I couldn't take just doing nothing all the time and feel miserable about not doing anything about it.

Chances are, girls have been interested in you but youv'e been so down on yourself to notice. Feel free to PM if you'd like to know more.


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## ColdFury (Nov 6, 2003)

I know for a fact no girls have been interested in me. I haven't even had a live conversation with one in two years.


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

> Basically, I just went for it. I couldn't take just doing nothing all the time and feel miserable about not doing anything about it.


So you joined a dating site or ?


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## Carbon Breather (Mar 13, 2005)

ColdFury said:


> I know for a fact no girls have been interested in me. I haven't even had a live conversation with one in two years.


Yeah, it was probably around two years since i had a real conversation with a girl that's not a relative or a friends gf or a friends sister..............


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## vincentgallo4president (May 13, 2006)

Carbon Breather said:


> > Basically, I just went for it. I couldn't take just doing nothing all the time and feel miserable about not doing anything about it.
> 
> 
> So you joined a dating site or ?


I tried those at first but didn't really like them. I ended up at a bar one holiday with my brother to see a band play. Ran into this girl I used to know and we hit it off. Luckily, at the time I was pretty lit, so my anxiety was low and I'm usually pretty normal when that happens.

I was anxious when I called her the next day to go bowling but I did it anyway.

Then we met up for dinner and drinks a week later, not even really as a date, but at the end of the night we had such a good time and I had such a desire to kiss her, that I did.

"Just Do It", the slogan NIKE, but should be the slogan of everyone's life.

You just need to realize that you need to make things happen and that yeah, maybe you've been dealt a bad card or two, but you can make that comeback.

No one's going to come and hand you what you want, you have to make it yours.

Make the action and the thoughts and feelign will come later. Your action will lead to motivation and it will start a positve cycle, not a negative one. Holla!


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## moejo (Aug 29, 2005)

ColdFury said:


> I know for a fact no girls have been interested in me. I haven't even had a live conversation with one in two years.


Same here, none are interested in me either. All the girls/woman around here are married or have boyfriends. I can look and try all I want. But even if I got lucky, once she got to know me, she would be gone. A few women on my street are single with boyfriends, they have more accomplishments/money or better career than they have. Everybody wants to move up, be with someone who can improve their lives.

I can't do that. It's not only about love. Money and security is very important. It's like nesting. Women want the "best nest" to hatch their young.


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## VelvetElvis (Apr 29, 2006)

moejo said:


> ColdFury said:
> 
> 
> > I know for a fact no girls have been interested in me. I haven't even had a live conversation with one in two years.
> ...


It's not just women, dude-and not all women are even like that. I've known girls getting with pretty unreliable guys who happen to be good-looking and charming.

Basically, people either have "it" or they don't. It's pointless to worry about it.


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## bent (Aug 4, 2005)

its hard to come to that place where you can be at peace with being alone. i have tried in the past but instead slowly began to lose my mind or any stable personality. i did increasingly desperate things in order to just not be alone, to not have my experiences exist in a vacuum, unnoticed and unshared by any female.

drugging myself helps a whole lot but when i'm alone, without female companionship even that won't work. thankfully i was lucky and recently found a romantic friend. not perfect but still highly valuable and someone i care for immensely who makes my life bearable.

if you can seriously not care then kudos to you. basically the best is to try to distract yourself and stay drugged up. try to be as positive as is possible under the circumstances (which can be difficult) and just let your life unfold. if you can't deal with dating then i think it would be easier to just not even have that as a goal.

Paul might be right about neither wanting one nor avoiding it. i found it extremely difficult though.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I suppose that I think too much when it comes to dating, friendship, etc. I should try to be a bit more impulsive. Each time people have asked me to "hang out" or something, I just can't stop thinking about the negative things that could happen. I gave up on having a healthy social life a long time ago. 


moejo said:


> I can't do that. It's not only about love. Money and security is very important. It's like nesting. Women want the "best nest" to hatch their young.


Not me. I have no desire to marry or have children. A life as a concubine is the most I would ever consider.


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## ShesKrayZ (May 9, 2006)

Hormones are powerful drugs that cause you to do and say things that you could not otherwise handle. Meds that kill the sex drive are wonderful things because they keep you from wanting something that will end up in pain and confusion. But if you can't kill the desire, you will reach out and you will get burned. It's inevitable.


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