# "You're so quiet. You need to talk more. Learn how to talk."



## meco1999 (May 28, 2011)

I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


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## strato86 (May 12, 2011)

Wish I had the answer. Its only because they assume all our brains are wired in the exact same manner, which as we know, is not the case. I guess you could call it ignorance. I think they say these things to us because they want us to be part of the conversation, they want to see us smiling, and laughing. So deep down they are supporting you, or encouraging you but you don't realise it. But we all know the brain is conjoined by billions of neurol pathways, and rewiring that, well, I've rewired a few houses in my time and found them difficult and there were a few less wires there than the brain.


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## Josh90 (Aug 22, 2008)

If your're like me, then you simply don't want to talk or associate yourself with people.

Screw all those people who ask stuff like that aswell, it's ****ing rude and insulting, the feeling I got is the only reason they asked me things like that is because I made them feel uncomfortable, not because they actually wanted to know me, so screw them is what I say.


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## theseshackles (Apr 23, 2011)

Yes those comments are usually the ones that eat away at my self-esteem the most.

What's the best way to deal with it? Through exposure you will become more comfortable in social situations and naturally start to express yourself more. Then just watch as those d**ktards become green with envy because people are becoming genuinely interested in you. (Based on real life experience)

When people make those comments it's like they're saying in their head "Psh, this guy will always be uncool...He's soo lame"

The best comeback is to prove thos b****es wrong. Don't succumb to their labels of you.

However, when some people make those comments they really mean well.


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## meco1999 (May 28, 2011)

theseshackles said:


> When people make those comments it's like they're saying in their head "Psh, this guy will always be uncool...He's soo lame"


I'm uncool and lame? Gee, thanks.

(just kidding)


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## WholeinSoul91 (Oct 15, 2010)

In their mind they think they're being supportive, trying to encourage you to be more like the others. What they don't realise is how it can have the opposite effect and in fact bring you down as they've reminded you of how outcast socially you may be.
I've had it happen before but it was a long while back, I just said to myself "you don't know the real me. You don't know what goes on inside my head or how I do try but you don't pay attention". Sometimes it's a case of that, other times it's because there ain't anything genuine I felt I could add to a conversation.

I've learned to master the hot air technique. Sometimes people might say something I'm not heavily interested in or seem involved in something I don't know much about but I will blab my way through it at times just to seem active. I listen more than I talk generally, but the more involved I make myself, the more likely something I do know alot about will come up, and I can have some good conversations.


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## meco1999 (May 28, 2011)

WholeinSoul91 said:


> In their mind they think they're being supportive, trying to encourage you to be more like the others.


Some of these people were definitely not trying to be supportive. Quite often the comments about my quietness have been derogatory ("learn how to talk" said in a disparaging tone of voice, for example). Those were during my teen years mostly, but those hurt the most.

Also, I'll never forget an instance where I told one of my freshman year roommates in college (about halfway through the year) that I didn't talk much to him or my other two roommates because I was shy, and he said "I don't think you're shy, you're unfriendly and cold. Shy people open up eventually."

That hurt. A lot.


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## jim11 (May 23, 2011)

Dude I've received comments like "learn how to talk" and "please smile" in front of other students (I'm talking about more than 100 students here) by some lecturers during my college days. It really hurt and I don't really know how to deal with it. I just keep quiet and told myself to be patience. Sometimes I just told myself it was just a test to measure how patience I am.


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

I know how you feel, ive had to deal with stupid comments like this all my life......these insensitive people have no idea how much damage they do with these little throw away comments.

Actually the more comments i get like this, the more i dont like people, and the more i dont want to socialize with anyone.


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## MikeCore92 (Apr 21, 2011)

For my last year of highschool I had to change location and this was my third one, Luckily I THOUGHT I had a friend (he was a old one knew him for about 6 years and he moved in his freshman year to this school). I sat by him at lunch with his 3 other friends they were the definite "cool guys", everyone knew them and I was just some quiet kid at that table who every once in awhile talked (mainly to just my friend). One day one of the more talkative jerky A-holey ones told me I do not talk enough and "contribute nothing to the table" and that "I just get in the way of the conversation".

After that day I despised him, he was nice a few times to me afterwards and he may have been in a way joking. Although what he said to me that day... The anger/depression in my head was just unbearable.


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## CeilingStarer (Dec 29, 2009)

Yep, I got asked "why is there always one of you in every family?" on the weekend by some Aunt I've only met once before. It was in front of the whole extended family... I was that close to saying something very offensive, but didn't want to embarrass my folks. I don't know why I bother going to gatherings.

It's the same **** at work. It's so ****ing frustrating that my livelihood depends on going through this torture every day. I just want a basic income with the option of being my quiet self.


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## 11223 (May 27, 2011)

I've heard these, too, and I feel for all of you guys.


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## jet10 (Oct 29, 2010)

I get this all the time. Some people don’t think before they speak.


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I used to get this all the time back in elementary through high school. Now I shy away from people even more because avoidance is the easy way out.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

Wow....I cannot believe how many of you get upset over comments like those. Instead of using these comments to become more self-aware, you take them and use them destructively...as if you're saying, "Yes, I can't talk, so what?", instead of realizing that you CAN change. I'm not saying you need to conform to what everyone else wants, but everyone wants to be happy and smiling and talkative deep down inside so stop acting like that is some impossible dream and instead work on yourself. Letting comments get to you in a negative way is not going to help you - and stop calling these people ignorant just because they can't tell you have social anxiety, In my experience, most people are just curious about you and want you to open up, they don't always have malicious intentions.


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## ValiantThor (Dec 6, 2010)

**** people


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## meco1999 (May 28, 2011)

rymo said:


> Wow....I cannot believe how many of you get upset over comments like those. Instead of using these comments to become more self-aware, you take them and use them destructively...as if you're saying, "Yes, I can't talk, so what?", instead of realizing that you CAN change. I'm not saying you need to conform to what everyone else wants, but everyone wants to be happy and smiling and talkative deep down inside so stop acting like that is some impossible dream and instead work on yourself. Letting comments get to you in a negative way is not going to help you - and stop calling these people ignorant just because they can't tell you have social anxiety, In my experience, most people are just curious about you and want you to open up, they don't always have malicious intentions.


Quite often, people _have_ had malicious intentions when they made these comments to me (see my post #7 above). Of course, sometimes people were just trying to be helpful, but other times definitely not.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

meco1999 said:


> Quite often, people _have_ had malicious intentions when they made these comments to me (see my post #7 above). Of course, sometimes people were just trying to be helpful, but other times definitely not.


I've had this question asked to me (or stated to me....) in a wide variety of ways and I would say that 20-25% of the time it is of the "likes you just concerned" variety. People who are sensitive to you and like you probably won't make this comment because it's obvious you are quiet and the socially skilled would be nice, ask questions and maybe use flattery to open you up.

More often then not (the 75%) this is an aggressive statement made by an aggressive individual who wants to define you and putting you in the quiet category puts you one down socially. It's a bold move to define a person who you barely know and, if the person is quiet, the aggressive person thinks they can "get away with it." Telling you to your face that you are quiet is testing the waters to see what else they can get away with. If you let them get away with defining you other "concerned' insults maybe around the corner (which will boost the aggressive person's ego).

Don't mean to sound mean or negative but I think the fact that this unsettles a lot of people is because it is not appropriate. If it makes you upset you don't have to be nice. Simply state the facts 'hey I'm not quiet all the time" in an unemotional tone sets the record straight. __________________


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## moke64916 (May 31, 2011)

*The problem is...*

The problem is that your not present in the moment. That's why your quiet. Your wallowing in your head. If you stay fully present in the moment, I guarantee you you will talk more. Don't think that that is your personality personally. Your just not fully present in the moment. In the now. Be fully aware of what's going on around you. There might be self-esteem issues going on as well. Love yourself for all that you are. Repeat to yourself. "I love myself." It's a great affirmation tool to gaining self esteem. You might be holding back all that you are socially. Try to be comfortable with your surrounds around people. A lot of it's probably anxiety related too. Hang in there.


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## lelabeauty (Jul 28, 2011)

*your not alone*

your not alone believe me,my mother in law and sister in law(my husbands brothers wife)they will tell me every time they get a change to say to me your quiet,your not talking alot or my son talks more than you,what aggravates me is their way of making fun of me like am not worth or good enough and lately my husband is being telling i dont talk much or your not one of those how likes to talk or laugh.I love how i im and how i am this is they way i was born i cant change how i im but when people tell 1000 time the same thing over and over again it hurts they make me feel cheap and like make me feel like somthing is wrong with me.IT hurts more when someone you love is saying that to you,you know how i im when you marred me you accepted me how i im why you saing bull**** in front of my face you mind as well stab me with the knife its the same thing moron.When i argue about the fact that his mom makes fun of and to tell her to stop telling me your QUIET.He does nothing about it in fact he agrees with her ,oh why you getting angry its the truth you dont talk much!!!Iknow you fuking idiot how i im i dont need people to conform that and why 1000 times.I feel so lost i dont what to do should i change or tell them to **** off and leave me alone or ignore them.You dont tell a ugly person your ugly in front of her face or a fat person your fat the same thing here stupid people.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

lelabeauty said:


> your not alone believe me,my mother in law and sister in law(my husbands brothers wife)they will tell me every time they get a change to say to me your quiet,your not talking alot or my son talks more than you,what aggravates me is their way of making fun of me like am not worth or good enough and lately my husband is being telling i dont talk much or your not one of those how likes to talk or laugh.I love how i im and how i am this is they way i was born i cant change how i im but when people tell 1000 time the same thing over and over again it hurts they make me feel cheap and like make me feel like somthing is wrong with me.IT hurts more when someone you love is saying that to you,you know how i im when you marred me you accepted me how i im why you saing bull**** in front of my face you mind as well stab me with the knife its the same thing moron.When i argue about the fact that his mom makes fun of and to tell her to stop telling me your QUIET.He does nothing about it in fact he agrees with her ,oh why you getting angry its the truth you dont talk much!!!Iknow you fuking idiot how i im i dont need people to conform that and why 1000 times.I feel so lost i dont what to do should i change or tell them to **** off and leave me alone or ignore them.You dont tell a ugly person your ugly in front of her face or a fat person your fat the same thing here stupid people.


Agreed! If they don't consider quiet to be a good thing it is considered an insult and I often compare it to being called fat to your face! Except for certain situations (job perfomance evaluations) I find this comment unacceptable.


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


It's because they're ignorant or insensitive or they want to get a feeling of superiority by pointing out your differences. Even people that aren't particularly good around people themselves have said that to me, probably because they see it as a means of raising their own social status within the group. I think both sides should make the effort to meet each other half way. When i feel someone is doing that with me then i mind their critisism less.


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## Pr0n (May 20, 2010)

One of the things that instantly make me tick. I get pissed just reading about it. 

The best thing is just shrug it off and tell them not everyone's the same. No use of thinking about it.


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## InfiniteBlaze (Jan 27, 2011)

I get asked why are you quiet so much to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm quiet and I don't feel the need to change anytime soon.


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## Jennifer Clayton (Nov 19, 2010)

rymo said:


> Wow....I cannot believe how many of you get upset over comments like those. Instead of using these comments to become more self-aware, you take them and use them destructively...as if you're saying, "Yes, I can't talk, so what?", instead of realizing that you CAN change. I'm not saying you need to conform to what everyone else wants, but everyone wants to be happy and smiling and talkative deep down inside so stop acting like that is some impossible dream and instead work on yourself. Letting comments get to you in a negative way is not going to help you - and stop calling these people ignorant just because they can't tell you have social anxiety, In my experience, most people are just curious about you and want you to open up, they don't always have malicious intentions.


I have to agree with this. Some people are really trying to be hurtful with these comments, but a few people are curious. I know this because I have been curious, too. I might see a quiet person but they seem really cool. I try to talk to them but they are kind of closed up. So of course I have to wonder why they are quiet. I won't ask them because I know it can be taken the wrong way, but I never mean it in a harmful way. I've known people who have asked me that over and over and driven me crazy. But I also know some who would just like to talk.

Anyway, it shouldn't really be about whether or not people have cruel intentions behind asking such questions. Even though those questions hurt me, I used them to analyze how quiet I really was, and I have started working on myself. I decided that instead of letting those comments eat away at me, I am going to make myself better. I've always wanted to talk more, so I am working on speaking up. Those comments help me see that I still have a ways to go so I can open up, even though they are hard to handle.

If you like that you are quiet and that makes you happy because that's who you are, then just tell those people that that's just the way you are and you like it. If you secretly want to be more talkative, then just use those comments to help improve yourself. Then maybe one day, they won't make comments at all.


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## lelabeauty (Jul 28, 2011)

Jennifer Clayton said:


> I have to agree with this. Some people are really trying to be hurtful with these comments, but a few people are curious. I know this because I have been curious, too. I might see a quiet person but they seem really cool. I try to talk to them but they are kind of closed up. So of course I have to wonder why they are quiet. I won't ask them because I know it can be taken the wrong way, but I never mean it in a harmful way. I've known people who have asked me that over and over and driven me crazy. But I also know some who would just like to talk.
> 
> Anyway, it shouldn't really be about whether or not people have cruel intentions behind asking such questions. Even though those questions hurt me, I used them to analyze how quiet I really was, and I have started working on myself. I decided that instead of letting those comments eat away at me, I am going to make myself better. I've always wanted to talk more, so I am working on speaking up. Those comments help me see that I still have a ways to go so I can open up, even though they are hard to handle.
> 
> If you like that you are quiet and that makes you happy because that's who you are, then just tell those people that that's just the way you are and you like it. If you secretly want to be more talkative, then just use those comments to help improve yourself. Then maybe one day, they won't make comments at all.


i know im happy with how i im but people seem to not accepting me and in some point it makes you wanna change because you get tired of hearing the same thing about yourself,maybe i should change and one day they wont make commets at all as you said i will try to not let it bother me again,i dont care when people ho first meet me tell me im quiet cause i got used to but its when someone knows me for a long time tells me the same thing,but change can happen it just of matter of time i know cause a friend of mine went from quit to energizer bunny how talks 24-7 hahahahahahhahah


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## Fluffy (Apr 9, 2011)

jim11 said:


> Dude I've received comments like "learn how to talk"


Me too, and "You need a doctor, a psychiatrist..." and I always hated it when people say "open up your mouth and speak" but about what? There's nothing to say!!


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## heavyrain11 (Jun 14, 2011)

Nearly every job I've worked at someone has told me to "smile" and I swear to go it irritates me to no end. It's so patronising and controlling. I remember one job I worked at when I was about 17 - this guy spent the whole day telling me to smile, I was thinking "we're working in a depressing **** hole factory, what the hell is there to smile about?" Then at the end of the day he thought it was acceptable to whack me over the back of the head. Can't believe I stood for that.


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## StarlightSonic (Jul 12, 2011)

I get this all the time, it's so upsetting and hurtful. I have selective mutism which makes it even harder. I really do want to talk to people, I just can't get the words out. It's so frustrating. :'(
I've had so many people judge me and get annoyed at me for not speaking.


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## shy girl (May 7, 2010)

I'm nearly positive that people wouldn't do it if they understood the reason why we don't behave "normally" in social situations and realised how much upset and frustration it caused they wouldn't do it. Most people have not heard of SA and do not think of shyness as distressing for the person concerned so they don't see what harm they are causing.

It has happened to me a lot. Before I would just get upset and annoyed about it but after practice I have become more able to smile in public so I appear more approachable. I have just got used to people commenting on my shyness now. On the few occasions I cannot smile, I have managed to stop beating myself up about it. The people who assume that shyness is something that is easy to overcome or even a choice I still get annoyed with, but keep it to myself, and try to remember that having never experienced SA themselves, they have no reason to know how it feels.


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## Christina123 (May 26, 2011)

I can't give you advice, but I can tell you I've been told to stop being quiet a million times. And *shocker*, I'm still quiet.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

Situations I wish dysentery upon the other people involved:

When someone says the "you're too quiet, you should talk more, blahblah..." spiel. Then I finally bring something to the conversation. One (or more) react negatively in a I'm-too-cool "Uh, okay" or "Why would you say that" response.
"Now you see why I don't bother talking!?

or even worse

When you're sitting at a table (or tables) with a group of people all together with you eating lunch/dinner/etc., and everyone's talking or someone is telling stories. You've said only a few words at the most. Then, somebody sarcastically says "Shut up, (whoever)" to you. Like you "talk too much". I feel like saying "You should take you're own advice", or something like that. One of these days. Absolutely HATE this one.


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## greenking (Oct 2, 2010)

BlazingLazer said:


> Situations I wish dysentery upon the other people involved:
> 
> When someone says the "you're too quiet, you should talk more, blahblah..." spiel. Then I finally bring something to the conversation. One (or more) react negatively in a I'm-too-cool "Uh, okay" or "Why would you say that" response.
> "Now you see why I don't bother talking!?
> ...


yeah I hate those self-rightoues comments when people are all like "WOW YOU'RE SUCH A CHATTERBOX". I feel like punching those people in the face. such ignorant *******s


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## loquaciousintrovert (May 23, 2011)

You're so stupid. You need to stop being stupid. Learn how to not be stupid.

Perfect retort.


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## BlazingLazer (Jul 16, 2011)

greenking said:


> yeah I hate those self-rightoues comments when people are all like "WOW YOU'RE SUCH A CHATTERBOX". I feel like punching those people in the face. such ignorant *******s


You wanna start a tag team? You can even get Chris Rock (or is that Kanye) to come. I've got the money to pay them off! Let's get those dips***s!


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## Aeroflot (Jul 26, 2011)

Talking is not so important as _connecting_ with people. Talking just happens to be one tool in the box for doing so. I think that wanting to talk for the sake of talking is the wrong attitude. There's a reason we're all quiet in the first place, so solve that issue.


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## mapthesoul (Nov 2, 2010)

Yes. One guy in my class said "You need to speak up more, you know that right?" And honestly, I felt comforted. I felt for once that someone cared about me. But he was probably just annoyed. Another time, I was looking up at the board in class and a girl sitting next to me said, "Whoa, it's cool to actually see your face because you're always looking down." I didn't really feel offended, because, well, I never am. I tolerate seemingly everything. I just said, "Oh." And one more example is when a guy whispered to me in class, "You talk too damn quiet." I forgot why, but that time, I felt awful.

But anyways, I guess I don't really do anything about things like that. Sometimes I feel hurt when someone asks why I am so quiet, other times I just don't feel anything against it.


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## jacksondoug3 (Sep 26, 2009)

'you're so quiet' - not too bad. just a simple observation.
'you need to talk more' - mildly offensive. why should we talk more? to make them happy? then f**k off.
'learn how to talk' - if someone said this to me I'd probably punch them in the face, its so offensive.


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## Cody88 (Apr 3, 2011)

Yeah I hate when people do that. They try to label people as if people can't be unique and they all have to be talkative >.<


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## Koopaatroopa (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't think I have ever had a teacher who has not mentioned that I am "quiet". I hate it when they say that because I can't tell if they like having a quiet student or if they think I'm weird...


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

A friend of my dad will almost always mention how quiet I am and how his son is exactly the same as me... only talks when spoken to and always quiet. The guy said that he used to hardly ever talk and would run away from people because he said he was very shy when he was younger... you'd never guess if you met him because everytime he comes over (every single day!) he will spend four to five hours talking his head off. I wonder what his secret to overcoming his shyness was....

I had an aunt who used to always say "your shy shy!... cats got your tounge or something?" to me and my brother and I know she doesn't like it. Once another aunt of mine told me off for being shy and it was pretty painful because she was serious and wasn't making fun... I actually got in trouble for being shy and forced to talk to others! 

These sorts of people do not like shyness and can't understand why another person will be afraid of something that is in and of itself harmless.... their non-shy extroverts who can't understand shyness on any level and easily blame others for their insecurities.

Though I am guilty for feeling annoyed at someone for being quiet. At work we had one guy who would be too afraid to ask others for help (I could see the fear cross his face when I told him to ask for something) when I needed him too and it was very frustrating because he'd make excuses not to.


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## crystaltears (Mar 10, 2011)

jacksondoug3 said:


> 'you're so quiet' - not too bad. just a simple observation.
> 'you need to talk more' - mildly offensive. why should we talk more? to make them happy? then f**k off.
> 'learn how to talk' - if someone said this to me I'd probably punch them in the face, its so offensive.


Agreed :mum


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## loquaciousintrovert (May 23, 2011)

I hate people who tell me they used to be like me until blah blah blah.


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## Mae West (Sep 15, 2005)

shy girl said:


> I'm nearly positive that people wouldn't do it if they understood the reason why we don't behave "normally" in social situations and realised how much upset and frustration it caused they wouldn't do it. Most people have not heard of SA and do not think of shyness as distressing for the person concerned so they don't see what harm they are causing.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I wish that were true. Unfortunately, many people are not concerned with understanding us. They are insecure about themselves and their social standing and see shyness (similar to noticing an overweight person) as a weakness and point it out to make themselves look better. Sad but true.


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## nr385e (Oct 1, 2011)

I remember someone made fun of me & embarassed me in front of my "friends" when I was a kid. He called me "Mute" and he pretended he was pointing a tv remote at me and pressing the mute button. Of course I was shy & smaller than him, so I couldn't do anything to defend myself. As if my self-esteem wasn't low enough. Unfortunately, I still see this guy on rare occasions & my inner disdain for him makes me want to kick the s**t out of him everytime.


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## DK3 (Sep 21, 2011)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


I've had it all my life too. And some people can be really hurtful and nasty without realising it. I remember when I was young and in the cubs (kind of a junior boy scouts thing) I was finding it very difficult on this camping weekend and was socially isolated in the group..One of the adults there who was a volunteer starting calling me "smiler" on account that I didn't smile..."hey smiler, come and help me with this". What seemed like a joke to him, to someone with fragile self-esteem just reinforces the notion that you're abnormal and socially inadequate.

More recently in life, I deal with people who just glare/stare at me and even sigh and slap things down (especially at post office) if I'm looking nervous and anxious or don't speak. Not nice. But it's just something we have to often encounter and have to deal with.

When I was out of work for a long time and claiming Incapacity Benefit for SA, I used to have go for these periodic medical assessments to see a government doctor which were an absolute nightmare. Not only did it mean traveling about 20 miles on a train and buses, you always be kept waiting in this big public waiting room, and then you'd face a grilling with the doctor who is trying to find any excuse to stop your benefits. So I explained my condition all over again and how it effects me, as I best I could. And he goes... "oh you need to pull yourself together. You're older than me, and I've been through University and I'm a doctor, you can't stay on benefits for rest of your life, go and see your doctor and get some help".

He had no idea what it had taken me to just to get there, it was like climbing a mountain effort. Talk about kicking someone when they're down! Some people have no idea what we go through on a daily basis.

Another incident happened this week.. I've been having a problem with a nuisance neighbour (loud music and anti-social behaviour) and have been dealing with Environmental Health which has been very difficult. As I felt they weren't dealing with it adequately (it's gone one for 3 years) I made
a formal complaint. When one of the senior guys from the department tried to visit me at home (and I couldn't answer door due to SA) he told me by e-mail.. we're closing the complaint, don't complain about it again, because you won't engage with us face to face to speak on the telephone. This was after I had e-mailed him and told him I have SA and can't do face to face or telephone and prefer e-mail.

It seems sometimes our condition is just not taken seriously as a disability, and people will use it to discriminate or fob you off. It's almost like we're treated as second class citizens.


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## Hartwell (Sep 19, 2011)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


See it from the positive side: They care enough about you to tell you that. They only mean it in a good way. See buddy I know exactly where you coming from and how it feels to be said something like that. 
But from what I hear you saying they aren't making fun of you but telling that as in advice. Be thankful for having people in your life that care to tell you that. No one tells me that and I meet lot of people during my work. I work with them for several months and then new people come in and everything starts over again. No one cared about me to tell me that.


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## mrsnorris22 (Aug 25, 2011)

I know how you feel OP...at first I was offended by it, but after awhile it just started to annoy me. A kid in middle school asked me if I talked, and I just shrugged because I didn't know how the hell I was supposed to answer.


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## stig6 (Oct 4, 2011)

I generally think things over in my head several times before I actually say it... so 3 out of 4 times I don't end up saying anything, because I'm afraid it won't come out right, or they'll take it wrong or whatever the reason may be.

I get told to speak up more. A lot. I'd love to! Really, I would. But it's so hard.


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## RobbieS (Oct 1, 2011)

To be honest, I think it's a good thing they want you to talk more. It probably means they'd like to get to know you a bit better. If they weren't interested then they'd just take your silence as a blessing and ignore you. I know it sucks having people say "be this - be that", but it really means they like you 

You have to remember that they might be shy too; not shy enough to be totally silent like alot of folk on here, just shy enough to be forced to ask silly questions like "why are you so quiet?" when they really want to say "let's be fwendz "

The key is to let what little confidence they have (or _alot_ if they have it) give you a bit of confidence. If you've ever noticed how your awkwardness might rub off on people, then in the same way someone's confidence can rub off on you


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## Jitters28 (Dec 18, 2010)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


I hate when people say that. Like they're God and know how you feel inside or that they have the right to expect things from you. I try to avoid these people, unfortunately, these people are everybody.

Everytime I hear "you should talk more" an atomic bomb goes off inside and I want to just burst out "**** off! Hows that for talking you inconsiderate beast!?"

But I usually just say something like "I only talk when I have something worthy to say."


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## andy0128 (Dec 19, 2003)

If someone does it once then you should either ignore it or take it jokingly. If they are doing it regularly then tell them to leave you alone or say something rude back to them. If that doesn't stop them then you know you're dealing with an arsehole.


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## nickcorona (Oct 17, 2010)

Yeah. I got this **** in high school. I dealt with it like any of you would, like a *****. In hindsight, I wished I punched those people in their face (even the girls). They don't realize how non-helpful those comments are.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

The people who say things like that to me are people I don't like or trust in the first place I notice because the ones who don't, know once you get to know me im not shy, im not overly depressing or sad all the time


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## Huk phin (Oct 30, 2011)

Meco - I hate being told that as it has the opposite effect on me. I am very quiet and uncomfortable around other people. I don't have a "smile" that I can flash on command and when I try it looks unnatural. I am not "not talking" because I have a problem but rather because I can't.


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## Huk phin (Oct 30, 2011)

Being introverted is not a bad thing but the boisterous extroverts will always try and make it seem like it is.


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## Humir (Oct 15, 2011)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


I just wanted to share with you a quote from Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz



> If someone gives you an opinion and says, "Hey, you look so fat," don't take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.


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## iChoseThisName (Oct 4, 2011)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


If I get those things said to me, I just quickly explain that I am quiet and dont talk much. Whatever about their reaction.


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## heyJude (Aug 1, 2009)

I want to slap people who say this. Really. My douchebag half brother always preaches to me and my younger brother that we need to be more talkative and outgoing. "Socialize more." He talks down to us like we aren't even people.

STFU, you arrogant loud-mouthed dimwit. No one even likes you.


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## DavidBlues (Oct 30, 2011)

I used to get this all the time, but I don't think I got it derogitarily anywhere near as much as you guys have. Hurt all the same though, because it was like they were just coming out and saying just how abnormal I was. Every time they asked why I never smiled, I'd shrug and think because I had nothing to smile about; why I never talked was because I had nothing useful to add. After a while I'd just make stuff up just to have something to talk about, which felt awesome at first because people seemed to like me and think I was cool. After a while it started to make hate myself. It wasn't me they were liking, it was my arificial version of me. This was one of the factors that lead to the lowest point of my life so far. It is much better to be boring than to be fake.


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## Cashew (May 30, 2010)

My boyfriends sister said this to me when I met her, I immediately felt inadequate and not welcome to their family and my eyes started watering in front of her

My only excuse to it is "Oh yeah, *light smile* I'm more of a listener"


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## thing (May 17, 2012)

I get the "you need to smile more" at my job, and even my own family. I've gotten used to the latter but it feels more disconcerting when told that by people I don't even know very well.


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## EmotionlessThug (Oct 4, 2011)

My teacher said that thread tittle to me and also said how are you going to get pass life, I said to her **** you. Told her I hate people, I'm like an alien from another dimension..:haha:evil


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## shyquietandproud (Jun 23, 2012)

I have heard "why are you so quiet" my entire life. My typical response to such inquiries are along the lines of "why are you so loud?" or "the world would be much more peaceful place with more people like me" or "i am not shy, i am a listener." 

I have learned to accept my quiet, reserved personality. In fact, i dont view being shy/quiet or having social anxiety as anything negative. To me, it is my normal. All those chatty, loud, obnoxious folks out there are the abnormal ones.


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## BeautifulButterfly (Jun 24, 2012)

I have social phobia and I really want to socialize more but it is too hard and stressful. When people tell me this it is upsetting because I really want to talk more and I think I am talking more but obviously it is not enough. I think they are just interested in what I have to say and want to know me.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

How to deal with it?

Hey I used to get that line every day when I was a younger. "Why are you so quiet?" "Why are you so shy?" A girl jokingly said she'd thought I'd make a nice serial killer cause of how I fit the profile.

Now I told those b***ches by being one of the most talkative people. And now when I occasionally revert back to my previous *quiet self, people say "What's wrong?? Why are you so quiet today? This is not normal!!!" 

It's much better to be known as the outgoing one than the mute person (as people used to think I was in grade school)...it comes with practice and time and age and exposure. You eventually get used to carrying on conversations and talking about absolutely nothing.

Sometimes I have lapses in convos though which really throw me, I fear being at a lost for words.


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## Iota (Mar 24, 2010)

No one tells me to smile... but everything else, yes. It is annoying. I agree with everyone else and share the pain. I am a lot more accepting of my quiet nature nowadays, than I ever was before. This doesn't mean others are.


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## januarygirl (Nov 18, 2010)

I get comments like that thrown at me all the time. Family, friends and teachers would compare me with my sisters because they've got big *** mouths. Man, how I love good ol' sibling comparison. 

When I worked my coworkers would always ask why I was so quiet and try to get me move involved by poking fun at me. And it never helped when the obnoxious guys I worked with would say stupid **** like "It's the quiet girls that are the wild ones..." just to make me feel uncomfortable.

Bottom line is, being called out on being too quiet is rather humiliating.


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## Monotony (Mar 11, 2012)

If some one tells me I need to talk more and they sound condescending . I oblige by telling them to **** off and mind their own business.


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## LittleMissShy (Jun 24, 2012)

my colleague told me the other day that people think i'm so quiet - i just said yes i am - i'm an introvert that's just me. and she didn't say anything else about it.

I think its just because your different - but don't take it badly, i'm sure they dont mean anything by it for the most part. be ok with being quiet!


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## Boring Loser (Oct 21, 2011)

The reason I don't talk, is because i've tried so many times to talk to people, and most of the time i get ignored and no one cares about any words that come out of my mouth. People interrupt what i'm saying like they didn't even hear me say anything, or they just do not give me any responce. No one cares about anything i say, so why should i bother trying to talk?


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## Unkn0wn Pleasures (Nov 24, 2011)

I think most of the people who ask me why I'm so quiet are just curious/concerned. I usually say something like "I don't know, just always been a quiet person." Some worsts:

Being introduced: "This is ___; she doesn't talk."

Being approached by strangers and told to smile

...according to one old man cause "it's not _that_ bad". :stu I didn't even have a sad/pissed off expression at the time; was just in deep thought, staring at nothing. Nosy goddamn extroverts with their stupid small talk! Likeoke. (Sorry. I'm in a really grumpy and misanthropic mood.:sigh)


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## pythonesque (Jun 16, 2012)

I thought about this, and here's how I would respond:

- You're so quiet.
- Thank you!

- You need to talk more.
- Nope, I'm happy with the amount of talking I do.
(or maybe, "I'm trying to, but I'm shy around people I don't know very well." Who knows, you might get some helpful tips out of it.)

- Learn how to talk.
- I did. Maybe if you had learned how to listen, you'd have caught that.


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## twisterella (Jun 14, 2012)

People can occasionally say stuff like "Say something!", but mostly they just seem to think that I'm weird or rude without saying it out loud. My dad's girlfriend has basically told me that she doesn't like me because I'm so quiet though. She just can't understand it at all, even though I tried to explain it to her once when we were drinking.


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## SASMEM (Jan 22, 2013)

*why are you so quiet.*

These words have made me even more irritable in past few months. why cant people accept me as I am. Is it that the people who speak less do not succeed in life. I may not be the best person to have chat with but I am an individual and no one has the right to make me feel as if I am any less than anyone. I dont know how not to be affected by these things....


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## munir (Jun 1, 2012)

ValiantThor said:


> **** people


 :agree


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## NormalLad (Nov 1, 2012)

InfiniteBlaze said:


> I get asked why are you quiet so much to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm quiet and I don't feel the need to change anytime soon.


Same lol I just got used to it


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## Mikaga (Nov 4, 2012)

My sister does that all the time, I don't have an answer for her but I do have an answer for other people. I just say I like being alone.


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## DrumToYourBeat (Jan 22, 2013)

Oh yeah, I get this all the time too. People have a hard time understanding it, I guess. It's only started bothering me recently, because certain people seem to mistake shyness for weakness and it just makes me feel like there may be a lack of respect coming from them as a result.


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## cosmicslop (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm going to sass the next person who talks to me that way about talking more.

No thanks. You're annoying. I'd rather talk to myself. Bye.


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## brandonmag (Jan 21, 2013)

I'm quiet by nature, people who tell me this tend to talk too much and make fools of themselves. We all do, they just do it more.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

rymo said:


> Wow....I cannot believe how many of you get upset over comments like those. Instead of using these comments to become more self-aware, you take them and use them destructively...as if you're saying, "Yes, I can't talk, so what?", instead of realizing that you CAN change. I'm not saying you need to conform to what everyone else wants, but everyone wants to be happy and smiling and talkative deep down inside so stop acting like that is some impossible dream and instead work on yourself. Letting comments get to you in a negative way is not going to help you - and stop calling these people ignorant just because they can't tell you have social anxiety, In my experience, most people are just curious about you and want you to open up, they don't always have malicious intentions.


+1


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## mardymoo (Jan 8, 2013)

Not everyone can be the same. Such is the variety of life.


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## Nessie91 (Jan 5, 2012)

I've had _strangers_ come up to me and tell me to smile.

Of course I say nothing. 
But in my head i'm cussing these *******s off. How ****ing dare these people who I don't even know demand me to smile. Mind yo' own damn business! Would you like me to do a little dance for you too? hmmm?

I don't know why comments like this cut a nerve with me. I am aware I don't smile or talk much but for someone to point it out make me feel like crap.


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## cosmicslop (Nov 24, 2012)

I don't cater to people who are dense enough to make tactless and condescending comments about their inability to deal with quietness at the expense of putting the attention on me. Me being quiet can be a multitude of reasons: bad day, my shyness is particularly bad that day, I'm thinking about something else, I just plain don't feel like talking, etc. Seriously, those people would never even consider any of those things. It's pretty self-absorbed that that they would just blurt that out.


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## Orchestrated (Apr 27, 2012)

Nessie91 said:


> I've had _strangers_ come up to me and tell me to smile.


Bingo.

I just scowl harder.


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## Freaking Out Always (Jan 22, 2013)

Tell them that's just the way you are. That they cannot tell you who to be or how to act. You control how you behave NOT anyone else! No one should make you feel bad just because you're not like them.


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## TheProgrammer (Jun 27, 2013)

I have been told this at some point, but not often. I sometimes am really very well socially, but at other points I don't know what happens I kind of freeze, It starts to kill me. I have some hard times. I feel difficult to get out of my comfort zone.


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## Ghost in the Shell (May 25, 2013)

Someone here had this in signature...

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Stephen Hawking

And i quite agree with it. Talking all the time and being the loudest doesn't mean anything. You can be very quiet, but still have incredible ideas or personality.

I've noticed with myself that even though i'm quiet 90% of the time, whenever i speak for those 10%, i often make the best joke comments about various things or i just have great ideas on how to do or fix something. I didn't notice it before but now that i think back, they were always like wow when i did talk. And i've also noticed that this kinda shock people to some extent. They seem like they don't expect anything like that from someone who is so quiet most of the time. And that's really the main problem. Everyone just expect from everyone to talk all the time. Being an introvert is sometimes hard to understand why. It's like doing something for the sake of doing it, even if it's pointless, non productive and just plain meaningless. It's what small talk is in a nut shell. Granted, it can potentially lead into deeper conversations and is often the only way to get to know others, but in general it's just a fluff talk. And that's why it's causing problems to some of us...

The only way to do it more is to simply force yourself. There just isn't any other way unfortunately and that sucks. Easiest way is to just comment stuff that you do or deal with more often. This way others also comment it, then you share an experience around that and other person might as well and one thing may lead to another and you might actually make a small talk conversation. Or it just may not. But if you do it more often, you get at least a bit feel about it and just get more comfortable just talking rubbish. I know it's not easy if you're used to talk just factual stuff and stuff that has some meaning as a whole, but that's how it is.


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## starsonfire (May 28, 2013)

I accepted that I'm quiet, it's a part of my personality. Especially with new people, how can they expect you to talk a lot when you don't know them.


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## wildgeese (Jun 26, 2013)

I hate it when people say I am too quiet and should talk more. It really makes me mad just thinking about. And its rude anyways to say stuff like that to people. How would they feel if we all went around saying " You sure are talking a lot, why is that?" Next time someone says you should talk more you should tell them to talk less.


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## RadioactivePotato (Jan 6, 2013)

I hate those comments, it always hurts. Its basically the only thing I can think about for the rest of the day. Its not easy to try and get rid of those comments, I just don't have anybody to talk to. I'm sorry about it though, people who say that are so obnoxious.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

I've had it where I've felt proud of myself for not feeling anxious throughout the whole day (when I'm out somewhere) and then someone will point out that I need to learn how to talk. It sends my confidence plummeting down; it's just a really ignorant thing to say. If someone had acne all over their face you wouldn't remind them of it, would you?


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## RecoveredWell (Jun 10, 2013)

Story of my life, what I started to believe was that my thoughts of myself were more important then other peoples thoughts so I didn't try and be someone THEY wanted me to be, because this just added to my minute to minute stress and anxiety. Be you because you're unique and most people will see that! Those are the people you want in your life.


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## Zayming (Jul 9, 2013)

When people tell me this it makes me feel worse. The thing is I want to talk and smile more, but when it comes to conversation I just can't say much. It makes me really nervous too, like I'm making the other people feel uncomfortable and like I'm making them think that I don't like them, which usually isn't the case.


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## TerrySad (Jun 24, 2013)

starsonfire said:


> I accepted that I'm quiet, it's a part of my personality. Especially with new people, how can they expect you to talk a lot when you don't know them.


That's why I talk a lot with new people so they feel comfortable with me sooner and start to talk too. :yes


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## pieceofme (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm sorry you had to deal with that! Some (most) people just do not understand!

I remember being 13 and at the shopping mall with a family member, and I kept my head down cos I thought I was gonna die of anxiety and she would humiliate me and say to me loudly "why do you have your head down you look stupid, why do you keep walking really close to me"

I am very close with that family member now and I understand she thought I was just a shy kid but that was traumatizing!


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## The Misery Chick (Jun 30, 2013)

It used to irritate me when people pointed out my quietness. Nowadays I just don't give a crap. I shouldn't have to explain myself.


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## don7frye (Aug 7, 2013)

*Hello*

Well .. the thing is ... on the internet ... I can talk for as long as I want .... but when it comes to talking to people live ... that is another story . Until now ... I thought that there is nothing I can do about it !! I thought that there is no fix for this problem . Now I actually think there is something that I can do .

I can't explain exactly what happens ... I am not a medic ... but the thing is ... when you decode sounds and letters into images ... you gain a lot of confidence because you understand much better and because you quiet that little voice inside your head . It is a form of meditation I believe

When I am not too lazy to get carried away with my usual way of listening and reading stuff , I try to decode everything with images . When I watch TV or when I read something , I try to make some images of what happens . When someone speaks to you , don't try to repeat inside your head what he said that is very inefficient ...try instead to visualize what he actually meant . You gain a lot of confidence and understanding so you will have a good answer to that person .

If I stay with my eyes closed for 10 or 15 minutes and visualize different things ( original , not memories ) ... I get the urge to talk to someone ... I get a boost of confidence right away .



Remember that Einstein said :" Imagination is everything ".


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## mooninleo (Aug 7, 2013)

*:-(*

I've dealt with that my entire life. I've looked outside myself for answers but they NEVER COME! I spent so much time trying to find who to be around who to be like what is best and be completely well rounded. Well. I'm finding that nobody can give me answers except myself. You are shy because you have a gift of sensitivity that the majority of people are too stupid to really appreciate.

You will find whats important to you. Yes. And you will learn to defend. Because someone is missing social competency and saying those things to you without really getting your personality.. man.. that would be as bad as you picking out an obvious ugliness in them and being like 'why wont you focus on your fat ***, b!tch.'

Just laugh at them and look down at them because they probably only care about the outside and will never have the light within them. People will try and steal the light from you but its inside of you. Guard it and let it be your guide. I've had a lonely road but i know i've gone further inward than most people and all the drama people throw at you is theirs.

If you are getting caught up in group dynamics, check out the Carpman drama triangle. It saved my logical mind from seeing all the crap people throw around: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Best of luck to you.


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## HotChiliPeppers (Oct 31, 2012)

yes! story of my life! people always say im too quiet or i should smile more but i honestly stopped caring about those things. ive just always been a quiet person


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## Anonymous Loner (Mar 3, 2013)

Hearing that also pisses me off. It's so annoying. Honestly, when people say that do they think they're helping the slightest bit?


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## alieneyed (Jul 3, 2013)

An Asian lady mocked me today when I mouthed, "Sure," and she shouted, "You too quiet, honey!" I thought it was cute and I laughed. I don't mind being called quiet. I'd take it over loud and obnoxious any day. I don't think people are being insensitive when they comment on things like quietness. They're just trying to encourage you to break out of your shell, not change or offend you.


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## sunlightruns (Jul 27, 2013)

Tell those people they should learn how not to be an *******.


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## Social Anxiety Institute (May 15, 2013)

When I was growing up I was more talkative in Elementary and Middle school, but by the time I reached High School, for some reason I suddenly (within the course of a year at least), went from being pretty social to almost completely mute in any and all social encounters.

It really freaked me out, because I myself didn't know what was going on, but got the sense somehow that I was "making this happen" in my brain, even though I obviously didn't want it to happen... I was very confused and shocked at what seemed to be ruining my life.

My friends wondered what was up, and eventually didn't really want to hang out with me anymore, so I was only able to keep really one good friend in high school but he wasn't in any of my classes.

Anyways, I learned about cognitive behavioral therapy in my Junior year of High School, which seemed to be the best treatment for SA, and I ordered the audio series "Overcoming SA Step by Step" from Dr. Richards, and that helped me out slowly but surely. I wouldn't really say that it made me way more social by the end of high school, but definitely after high school it allowed me to see things more rationally and really make progress against SA throughout my college years.

I know for a fact, however, that if I hadn't sought the appropriate therapy for my SA in cognitive-behavioral therapy, I wouldn't have enjoyed college much at all, and it probably would have just gotten WORSE in college, and afterwards, as I got older and older with social anxiety.

So I urge anyone who wants to have a better future and not be a mute for their entire lives, to get appropriate CBT for social anxiety, it really can make all the difference, if you put in the practice, repetition, and effort. It can turn your life around so you can actually start to enjoy it, rather than feeling trapped by horrible SA you never chose to have for your whole life.

- Justin


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## ske (Aug 5, 2013)

The world is mostly filled with extroverted people, of course they'd look at the introverted few strewn in between as something irregular. It's not that they're being offensive or trying to mock us, they just don't get why we don't talk as much as they do.

I just tell them that I don't really have anything meaningful to say, that's usually enough to leave me be.


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## MindHacker (Jun 7, 2013)

These people are the judgmental ones that find fault in people. Just turn it back on them: "you're being too judgmental" or "you talk too much." You can do it respectfully without sounding snotty with a little practice.


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## believeinme (Aug 24, 2011)

I feel you 

I've gotten comments like "why are you so quiet?", "why don't you talk?", "she never talks", "she leaves me deaf with how much she talks" and "talking to you is like talking to a wall".

And there was also a time when a girl was bothering me about my quietness and her friend said, "ugh, I hate quiet people. Why can't they just talk?".

Even when I start getting more open with people and start talking more and think I'm doing good, they still complain about how quiet I am. 

Sick of people


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## artsavesmysoul (Feb 2, 2012)

I've gotten that one time when I was in 10th grade by some rude girl,I nodded no in reponse to something the teacher had said to me and the girl says in front of the class out loud ''Hey you why dont you talk? Speak Up! and stop being quiet'' I felt so embarrassed everyone was watching :/ Another time some other girl though that I was deaf because I was so quiet


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## Miss Apprehensive (Jul 17, 2009)

Sometimes I want to punch people in the face when they make those comments, other times I close myself off from everything and try not to cry. We don't need to learn to talk; they need to learn to stop being jerks.


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## Tinydancer20 (Jun 17, 2013)

To all the people commenting
"Use it to work on yourself"..
PF. B.s. Why should we have to work
to impress them?! They should just accept
that people are different socially. 
I remember one time in college I was
with a friend and her guy friend that
I had just met that night. They were
both talking about who knows what.
I didnt have much to add to the conversation
until they started talking about accents 
and I said "oh, do I have one??" 
Then the guy gave me a really weird look 
and said "Idk I've barely heard you talk"
Someone more patient and nice would've
probably taken it as a cue to try to include 
me in the conversation.. but instead he basically pushed me
more away .. I proceeded to get drunk by myself the rest of the
night and talked to other random people instead of the
too of them because it just made me feel unaccepted by him.
I think some people honestly feel that their social
skills aren't that great either, or maybe they feel people dont like them that much, so they pick on someone 
that appears to be "worse off" than them to make
themselves feel better. It's screwed up. I would never
do that to anyone. I think it just comes down to
people being impatient and mean.


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## Shirotora (Aug 19, 2013)

I remember those sayings clear as day. People, young and old kept saying that to me. I got a few of those on my report cards every time I got them. If they only knew how much difficut it was for me being mute in school. No one tried to help me, just avoided me, picked on me, and say things that doesn't help.

I can't remember any good memories from school and mostly bad ones. But it's blurry, it's like my mind just blocked most things. Some things I remember very clearly and I just hate just thinking about it happening to me. 
It's annoying hearing about the sayings because you already know about it but can't do much about it. Talking is like a turn off and on switch but For me it's a rusted switch which is stuck on off. IMO.


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## GraffitiSoul (Aug 21, 2013)

I'd actually love to talk to people and I find it quite easy to engage in a simple "what's your name" "where are you from" conversation but then - it all disappears  I suddenly have no idea what to talk about and all I can do is smile or laugh while my friends do all the small talk. I have no idea how they manage to switch the topics so easily. I have no idea what to say - because I'm afraid that nobody will listen or they will find it stupid or boring. I can't even talk about movies I've recently seen or books, or any little everyday things. I'm just blocked, and it hurts so bad


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## DarkmanX (Jun 27, 2013)

ske said:


> The world is mostly filled with extroverted people


Noooooooooo! Definitely disagree with you on that one. Relatively, maybe. But in general? Hell no. Most people are not. Alot of people just act extroverted or you think they are because you comparing them to yourself.


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## Maslow (Dec 24, 2003)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


When you're anxious, your real personality doesn't shine through. Not too many people are going to "accept" you for being that way and YOU shouldn't accept yourself that way. You can get your social anxiety under control, but it takes a lot of work and persistence.


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## Anxietyriddled (Jan 5, 2013)

Maslow said:


> When you're anxious, your real personality doesn't shine through. Not too many people are going to "accept" you for being that way and YOU shouldn't accept yourself that way. You can get your social anxiety under control, but it takes a lot of work and persistence.


the anxiety and depression makes it hard for me to express myself. I dont feel comfortable or safe exposing myself. After many harsh rejections and criticisms when trying to act "normal", its hard for me to try again. Even when I try to appear normal, i get off putting comments by people criticizing the way am acting. I'm soooooooo tired of being socially awkward. ****ers! I feel doomed.

When ever people tell me **** like this from now on out I'm going to say, "well why dont you try helping me then? or dont say any thing about it!"


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## Nico Robin (Jan 16, 2013)

I've been told that recently. I made a friend in college (yay me) and I'm still learning to be more open around her (I'm getting there) but yesterday during dinner she said "I wish you would talk more" and I know she didn't mean it in a bad way but it still hurt a lot and has made me even more self-conscious around her.


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## Outofmycomfortzone (Sep 3, 2013)

I recommend reading Quiet: *The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking* by Susan Cain if you haven't read it already. She also did a TED talk if you want to watch it.

I use to be pretty jealous that men could be quiet and be seen as mysterious and sexy while women who are quiet just seem cold. Not talking isn't a bad thing, some people just do all the talking in their heads (like you and me) and some people could talk talk to a wall.

Its fine. People are born different. Just consider that those people who tell you that you are weird or wrong for not talking as not knowing any better.

I don't like asking people things because I hate seeming like I don't know something so I'll go and research the hell out of whatever it is on the internet even if I'd arrive at the answer a LOT quicker by asking someone or experiencing it myself.

I like to analyze things in my head and my thoughts jump _all_ over the place. When I force myself to say what I'm thinking people usually laugh and go "where did that thought come from?" My friends love hearing my random thoughts. I'm sure this post is jumping all over the place now, sorry about that~


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## Xsy (Dec 7, 2009)

I've been told that a lot when I was in the army. I remember one time sitting around in a tent after a long day, some guy calls me out and tells me: "You know, you barely even talk" , just like that, not even in a question form. My answer was, which is my default answer in cases like this is: "Yeah, you are right". Make sure the end of that sentence is heard, this will assert that fact that you know you are quiet, and you don't really give a damn if it bothers anyone. ( Although to be true, we have SA, we do care, but showing as though we don't is the best alternative ).


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I talk enough. Learn how to not talk so much.


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## HumbleTears (Aug 21, 2013)

Insensitive jerk: "How come you never talk"
Me: "... Idk..."
Insensitive jerk: "yes you do"

Oh, as if i like having extreme social anxiety? As if i enjoy the paranoia of anything i say being judged? By ***holes like you, who just judged the ***** out of me?

These are the kinds of people i almost wish SAD upon. The condescending types who shame you for your shyness.


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## SwY (Sep 4, 2013)

I know how you feel. I deal with those comments my whole life. I dont like, when people tell me to talk more, smile more or ask questions and communicate with others more! I hear people or familly say that to me couple times a year. What I hate the most is when people I barely know ask me If I know how to talk. It happened to me twice and it´s very uncomfortable and it kills my low self esteem even more. Sometimes I wish they would have my body, so they would understand how it feels when your words are stucked in your throat and you dont know why.


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## MeHereThere (Oct 14, 2012)

meco1999 said:


> I've been told these things (and similar things, like "smile more!") for the past 20 years, and it was/is hurtful every time. It's like many people can't accept me for how I am (very quiet, socially nervous and awkward, and generally not smiling). They want me to be something else. It's like they're telling me my personality is deficient and unacceptable. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?


i hate that :blank


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## swler007 (Aug 20, 2012)

I often go days or even weeks without saying more than a few words.


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## eldesperado (Sep 5, 2013)

I cannot stand it when people ask that ****. Always just makes me feel even more nervous/embarrassed :afr


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## Kalliber (Aug 18, 2012)

I think i talk enough with people im comfortable with


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## Lainey Dixon (Oct 15, 2013)

I started a new job today. The trainer said "You're so quiet" like she was really disgusted with me. It was so discouraging. I was looking forward to a new start and I get the same old same old. I feel so low now.


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## Durzo (Jun 4, 2011)

Lainey Dixon said:


> I started a new job today. The trainer said "You're so quiet" like she was really disgusted with me. It was so discouraging. I was looking forward to a new start and I get the same old same old. I feel so low now.


You just got a new job  thats great. She probably didn't mean it as an insult but rather an attempt to get you out of your shell. How did you respond?


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## Pike Queen (Oct 16, 2013)

Boy do I get this a lot. Especially back when I was in grade school, I got this stuff said to me all of the time. In college, no one really cares, so that's a plus. xD I've always had a problem with knowing how to respond to things that are said. An hour later, I'll think "Dang, I wish I would've said this _____". It sucks.


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## AnxietyInferno (Jun 3, 2011)

I used to get that a lot in high school. At work I'm sometimes told to smile, but it's annoying because I smile when greeting almost every single customer. I don't have enough energy to smile 24/7. No one else smiles all the time. Hell, most people look like they don't want to be there at all. At least my expression is neutral.


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## Pike Queen (Oct 16, 2013)

^ Exactly!  I would get that too. Besides, no one ever smiles back anyway. Tch. What's the point?


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## Tokio (Oct 10, 2013)

I get this pretty much every day at school. It's _really_ starting to piss me off :/


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## AbigailT (Mar 30, 2016)

StarlightSonic said:


> I get this all the time, it's so upsetting and hurtful. I have selective mutism which makes it even harder. I really do want to talk to people, I just can't get the words out. It's so frustrating. :'(
> I've had so many people judge me and get annoyed at me for not speaking.


I have selective mutism too. And I got excluded from school when I froze because I couldn't speak, the teacher was shouting at me because I didn't answer the register but I never have.


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## SeraphSoul (Aug 4, 2013)

I had a major crush on someone 20 yrs older than me & he said I was a great girl but I need to talk more...
*sigh*
He was the biggest crush I ever had & I was heartbroken & attached to him for 4 years...
But this year I realized he reminded me too much of my dad & I was so blinded!!
Now I think if someone doesn't like me for how I am, then they are not right for me.
Imagine having to put up with someone who never thinks your good enough?
I don't want to continue such a vicious cycle!

Helping & 'fixing' someone are two different actions!
You have to realize what hurts & tell yourself you don't want that pain anymore
Learn to accept yourself & people can't hurt you because you'll know not to have them a part of your life.
Tis a challenging process though....
I'm still learning...


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## pplnt (Jun 22, 2015)

Me too, I hate it. But I try not to care because, really, what's wrong with being quiet? That's just how we are, it doesn't make us inferior or boring, and if someone thinks that it just shows that they're ignorant and simple minded. I personally don't like people like that, who have can't comprehend that everyone aren't like them. And if I don't like someone there's no reason for me to get hurt by their words.


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## goldiron (Mar 28, 2016)

yea, It makes you become a serial killer. Just forget about it. Some people on here are holding some bad grudges. Being isolated and mad won't help you.

The reason it makes you want to become a serial killer because you have so many people on your grudges list that it make you mad. Yea, It makes me mad sometimes I want to rip bodies apart because I'm furious.

I know what I'm saying because I said this to someone. When your not part of society you usually want to become a criminal....and sometimes you want to make a career out of it. It all can seem fun inside your mind....


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## Ampata (Feb 3, 2016)

People are so dumb and ignrant. They don't wanna know or learn about SAD. You need to find a way not to let it upset you anymore because one thing is for sure: you can't change other people. Not a single bit.


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## SoAwkard789 (Sep 10, 2015)

I really do hate when I try to act more confident and outgoing but still get a comment like this. I'm like well... shii...


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## BAC (Aug 16, 2015)

I really don't get this much anymore, but if and when I do, it honestly doesn't bother me. I don't believe people are typically trying to be malicious when they say these things.


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## eukz (Nov 3, 2013)

Honestly, I've had worse problems than worrying about people who think I'm a weirdo.


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## Iconclast (Mar 30, 2016)

Same here. I'm so weird. And when I see people smiling in my face is weird cuz I don't smile back. I feel I give off bad vibes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## scribe (Mar 8, 2011)

I think everyone with SA has heard this or some form of this. "Are you alright?" "Why don't you talk more?" For some reason it's never regarded as rude, but it's the same as walking up to a fat person and saying "Why the hell do you eat so much?"


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

If I had the guts back then, I would redirect it back to them as, "You're so loud. You need to shut up more often. Learn how to shut up." Or something like that. Even if they do it in the future to me, I am not gonna let them get away with it now. I'm gonna redirect everything they say to me spin it around and throw it right back at them. I've been practicing with a few boyfriends, so far it works. 

But yeah I let them get away with it many times in my younger years.


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