# Not sure what to do about my relationship? Please help, I am not sure where to turn!



## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi guys, haven't been on this forum for a while. So yeah, I met my boyfriend 8 months ago in this group I made for people who are shy/introverted/anxious. When I met him I thought he was awesome cos he was so smart and just generally a gentleman. I used to think he would be the guy I would marry, but now I am just not so sure, and I hate myself for it.

I am finding being in a relationship very hard with my social anxiety and depression issues. He tries to be supportive but because he has neither problem obviously he isn't 100% sure what to do, but he tries to just be there for me. I hate myself because I always just seem to be irritable around him. Some days are good but other days everything he does annoys the hell out of me. He eats in quite a feminine way and his gestures are feminine (no he's not gay before you say anything), and for some reason it just annoys me. I think he is cute and he isn't ugly or anything but I don't REALLY fancy him. But then there's no one I REALLY fancy any way I guess. Which is another problem. I seem to have next to no sex drive and we rarely have sex, I have to force myself to want it.. I will always have a problem with sex in a relationship I think because that urge just isn't there. I am 24 years old and feel like an old woman! My bf doesn't pressure me which is great but sometimes I lie in bed next to him just crying because I feel so guilty for not giving him what he obviously wants.

We never go out or anything either, he tells bad jokes and it just irks me. He embarasses me sometimes. We are meant to be going on holiday this month but I am dreading spending 7 days with him, and with myself as well because I am just always so moody especially when I have someone in my space that much!

I don't know what to do anymore. On paper he is everything I want, he treats me very well and he is a vegan which is very important to me, my beliefs are strong so I don't know if I could date a meat eater.. He has great morals, would never hurt me or cheat. Sometimes I feel he is a bit sexist though, as he doesn't see a problem with women in the film industry and this gets to me A LOT. What do I do?


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're struggling...I read this and it was heartbreaking since you clearly are in pain.

But, in this case, I don't really know what to suggest since you have an underlying issue that is preventing you from experiencing joy, giving and receiving pleasure, etc. Could it be clinical depression? Could it be some other underlying mental illness?

I don't know...but, you probably have a sense that without seeking further evaluation, you may not have a chance at the kind of relationship health you deserve.


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## bittersweetavenue (Jan 1, 2015)

Tell him everything you just said in that one post but maybe leave out the parts where he irritates or embarrasses you and that you don't really fancy him all too much.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

Yep I can relate some what. Had a girlfriend and we dated for about a year and a half. I'm not really that social but I can handle it, I guess. She on the other hand is extremely out going and friendly and it just annoyed the hell out of me. She was a sweet girl and we clicked. We lived together and she just drove me crazy every day and I don't know why. I ended up pushing her away and eventually it ended. I had thought I got what I wanted and that was peace and quiet. It was a bad mistake, word to the wise don't make the mistake I made and push him away. You will regret it one day. You're very lucky to have someone who cares about you and treats you right. Count your blessings.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

This doesn't seem like you really are into him, which can only mean bad things in the long run. It may be your state of mind or the fact that you aren't drawn to him, but reading your post it was plain to me that you are only with this guy because he fits certain ideals but doesn't really attract you on a visceral level. Relationships without this chemistry are certain to fail - if not you will end up regretting it when a person you can really be connected to comes along. 

You can work on certain issues in a troubled relationship but if you are missing this deep connection, attraction and chemistry, it is always better to look for someone who can give you this. In my experience, desire will follow naturally if you have this with the right person.

Life is too short to be spent with the wrong person.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

It's really hard because sometimes I do feel we have this connection, I mean we care about the same things and he is such a good person who treats me amazingly well. Sometimes I feel we do have great chemistry. I look into his eyes and feel something on a spiritual level. I honestly thought he was the one but now I just don't know! He should be everything I want. His morals are so strong he doesn't even watch porn after I told him my views on it! How can I throw away this amazing guy? I am so ungrateful :/ No relationship is perfect is it, maybe I should accept what I have, I have done pretty well I just don't know if I fancy him. And it's not his fault I'm so angry and irritable about him 90% of the time. I really hate this situation.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

MoonlitMadness said:


> It's really hard because sometimes I do feel we have this connection, I mean we care about the same things and he is such a good person who treats me amazingly well. Sometimes I feel we do have great chemistry. I look into his eyes and feel something on a spiritual level. I honestly thought he was the one but now I just don't know! He should be everything I want. His morals are so strong he doesn't even watch porn after I told him my views on it! How can I throw away this amazing guy? I am so ungrateful :/ No relationship is perfect is it, maybe I should accept what I have, I have done pretty well I just don't know if I fancy him. And it's not his fault I'm so angry and irritable about him 90% of the time. I really hate this situation.


Generally, there's this "honeymoon period" in every relationship - varies from person to person - where it feels better. Don't think about "accepting" or "settling" but ask yourself whether you can see yourself in it for the long haul and be honest with yourself. I had a relationship once where I was simply not attracted to the person but thought he was nice/had a nice personality (we saw eye to eye on some things) but eventually the lack of attraction and my dislike of the flaws in his character/personality killed off whatever feelings I had. I realized it was a huge mistake to have spent so much time trying to get it to work when I should have been actively dating and trying to meet someone better for me. I am happier now single/dating than I ever was in the relationship even if it gets a little lonely. Just food for thought.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks Crystalline, I guess it is just hard to assess whether it really is me feeling meh about him or if it's depression colouring the way I see things and taking away my hope for the future. This is the only relationship I've been in that my family have approved of. My sister says I am lucky to have this guy. I think I will go on holiday with him then see how it goes, try not to have too many expectations and just try and have a good time. I am just so scared that if I let him go I've made the biggest mistake of my life. But yeah, thanks guys..


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## Were (Oct 16, 2006)

MoonlitMadness said:


> His morals are so strong he doesn't even watch porn after I told him my views on it!


He might be lying about not watching porn since you rarely have sex with him.


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## Sean07 (May 9, 2014)

Sometimes everything looks right on paper but you know deep down it isn't. I'm not saying that's the case here as relationships and feelings can definitely evolve over time if you're truly unsure. But sometimes you just _know_ that the essential attraction isn't ever going to be there. He sounds like a decent guy so you should really have a good long think about what you want so you can both get on with your lives. No one should ever be with someone they don't want to be with just because they would feel guilty for dumping them. It's kinder in the long-term to get out before feelings grow even stronger.

I've been in a situation where everything I thought to be true ended up being complete bollocks and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Let's say you leave it a few months and nothing changes then it would be fair to say you've wasted both his and your own time with something you knew in your heart of hearts wouldn't work out. But as I say, I might be tip toeing over the mark here because I don't know your actual feelings. You obviously care on some level or you wouldn't have made this thread. I hope things work out the best for both of you.


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## legallyalone (Jan 24, 2014)

He really does sound amazing so I'd hate for you to break up with him if there's still some way for you to be happy and get it back on course. It's possible that you may feel so guilty about the sex thing that those negative feelings are manifesting in annoyance towards him. Do you think maybe you could talk to him about it, get some reassurance or figure that issue out, and see how your relationship goes without that hanging over your head? Because if you're crying in bed over not being able to give him sex, that's not healthy, he should be reassuring you that it's alright.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

This is so hard.. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be single again. I've told him how I feel and he says my desire to meet other people should be worked on. We've had this conversation before when I brought up us maybe having an open relationship before I realised that would be a stupid idea and I don't want to hurt him like that. I just wish I could be like him, he is ready to commit and settle down but I'm not so sure. I wish we could fast forward 10 years and I'd be ready for him. He is so perfect for me in almost every way but I just don't know if I fancy him and I keep having this desire to meet other people and flirt. I don't think one night stands are my style so Idk what it is I crave. With my bf I know we'd have a stable, comfortable and happy life. I'm the one causing all the problems between us. I am scared of losing him. This is a horrible feeling :/


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're already gone. If you have those urges, you'll never be satisfied staying.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

But then single life isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it? Especially when you have social anxiety. It's not that I want to go out and have one night stands. I just feel so torn, this is the worst feeling ever. I feel so ungrateful.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

If you're going to let him go, you should let him go sooner rather than later. Let him go before he falls in love any further with you because then it'll hurt like a mother****er.


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## starsfire (May 11, 2015)

Well if you dont like him. then maybe suggest he goes by himself. and while hes gone you guys can be on a break. Then decide if you really want to be with him?


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

Dont think 10 years from now, in 10 years you would be a different person with different needs, if you dont fancy him then you need a little break from him in order to settle your focus better, dont go to that trip right now, sounds like a bad idea to me, if his gestures annoy you right now, then 24/7 for a week might be too much (but do as you think is the best for you obviously)

Tell him you need some time alone, dont break up with him, work on your depression (when im depressed, every little thing annoys me, so maybe thats that), maybe your lack of sexual drive relates to depression as well, try to have as many positive experiences as you can, try to take it easy.


Love isnt written on paper, whatever you feel you feel for a reason.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks guys. This is so hard.. I love him but I crave the single life. What's wrong with me? I always seem to be in a bad mood. He stayed round last night and this morning I just wanted him to go home! I was so moody with him. I hate myself for it, he's not done anything wrong.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

Sounds like you're just settling. If you're not happy in the relationship you're going to make both of you miserable.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I am generally happy I guess, for some reason I am just craving single life again. But maybe when I am single and still single in 5 years I might wish I never let this guy go :/ I have asked for advice on other forums too, and almost everyone says to be grateful for what I have. They say I would be stupid to throw away someone who loves me, and there's no guarantee I will find love when I'm older. They place so much emphasis on marriage and settling down but I'm not even sure I ever want to get married :/ They act like when I get past 30 I will past my prime and no one will want me so I should just stay with this guy and would be mad not to! Maybe they're right. There's no guarantees in life and I am pretty lucky..


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## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

My opinion ~ go be single, date around. You have a lot of doubts, especially after only 8 months, and they'll increase with time. Dating other people will likely either make you realize what you had was truly good (in which case maybe you'll be able to have another go at it and appreciate it more this time) or it'll open new doors and give you a chance to feel passionate again.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Yeah, I do think that being single is the best bet for me, at least for a little while. But it makes me feel so ungrateful, I've got a guy who would literally do anything to please me, and I am considering breaking it off because I am bored and shallow..? I am so scared I am going to end up dying alone or something. What is wrong with me that I can't just crave a normal healthy comfortable relationship like most people?


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## Swagonite (Jun 24, 2014)

It seems you aren't ready for a relationship right now you've nitpicked things you didnt like about him to the point of hilarity. Feminine eating? Really now cmon. I think if you don't truly care for him and love him then you need to be honest with him and let him find someone that is there for him and appreciates him. Not secretly has these ill feelings towards him. Its not fair and a relationship that is worth anything is always about open good communication and honesty.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Maybe I should stay with him, my mind must just be playing tricks on me. I just don't feel like I am attracted to him in a sexual way but everything else is great really, maybe I just get annoyed because I am stressed? He treats me well and I can't just throw this away can I?


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## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

MoonlitMadness said:


> Hi guys, haven't been on this forum for a while. So yeah, I met my boyfriend 8 months ago in this group I made for people who are shy/introverted/anxious. When I met him I thought he was awesome cos he was so smart and just generally a gentleman. I used to think he would be the guy I would marry, but now I am just not so sure, and I hate myself for it.
> 
> I am finding being in a relationship very hard with my social anxiety and depression issues. He tries to be supportive but because he has neither problem obviously he isn't 100% sure what to do, but he tries to just be there for me. I hate myself because I always just seem to be irritable around him. Some days are good but other days everything he does annoys the hell out of me. He eats in quite a feminine way and his gestures are feminine (no he's not gay before you say anything), and for some reason it just annoys me. I think he is cute and he isn't ugly or anything but I don't REALLY fancy him. But then there's no one I REALLY fancy any way I guess. Which is another problem. I seem to have next to no sex drive and we rarely have sex, I have to force myself to want it.. I will always have a problem with sex in a relationship I think because that urge just isn't there. I am 24 years old and feel like an old woman! My bf doesn't pressure me which is great but sometimes I lie in bed next to him just crying because I feel so guilty for not giving him what he obviously wants.
> 
> ...


 You're right in that it could be your depression that's colouring your views at the moment and I would definitely try and improve upon that and see if it helps things out.

Can you explain what you mean by "he eats in quite a feminine way" btw. Maybe I'm just not perceptive, but I've never noticed that about people's eating habits. I have noticed some people eating slower, some faster - but that's about it really.

Finally, you seem to be using the word settling a bit too much. Obviously you need to make sure about what you're feeling first before you make any decision - but settling shouldn't be entering into your mind right now. You're in your 20's right. That's the sort of thing someone in their mid to late 30's should be worried about, not someone like yourself who has tons of time on their side.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I just feel like if I dump this guy karma will bite me in the *** and I will end up in ****ty relationships once again. I mean this is the only guy who has truly loved me, and who is able to put up with my BS. I am not easy to love. Maybe I have just been watching too many movies and have unrealistic expectations. I just feel so guilty for having depression and anxiety so maybe I need to be alone to work on these issues without a guy in the picture. But he shares so many values that I do, I am afraid of making a huge mistake. The worst thing is having to break his heart. What if my doubts are just normal, the honey moon period is over now I guess so maybe it's normal to crave being single? Maybe I am pushing him away, knowing I'm onto a good thing but not thinking I deserve it? I just wish I was 100% sure about being with him. I keep just wanting to push him away and he's done nothing wrong. I'm probably going to make a big mistake. He treats me so well, and he's the only one who has ever done so.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm on holiday with him for a week and we're already arguing. We've only just here and we're sat in the apartment in silence. He's saying how hard it is to be with me when I am always anxious and stressed. Feels like no one will ever love and accept me, guess I am just destined to be single.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

MoonlitMadness said:


> I'm on holiday with him for a week and we're already arguing. We've only just here and we're sat in the apartment in silence. He's saying how hard it is to be with me when I am always anxious and stressed. Feels like no one will ever love and accept me, guess I am just destined to be single.


I don't believe that's true though I can totally understand your feelings on this along with your history.

I'm sorry you're having a painful holiday.

This may be a case where your better choice in partners might share some of the same issues as yourself. Doesn't always work, but may be worth trying.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

Leave him. Trust me. I've been here. You won't feel better about him. Just end it. Breaking his heart is better than sticking around and faking it. You will find someone else.


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## lilyamongthorns (Aug 13, 2012)

Sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. I encourage you to see a therapist so you can improve your quality of life.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I don't like being told I should see a therapist.. it makes me feel like I have some fundamental sort of flaw which scares people away. But maybe you are right. I've tried CBT several times but did not like any of the therapists. Maybe I'll fork out for private this time.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Now my boyfriend is being so lovely to me. He's such a good guy and he loves me unconditionally.. He is good company. The sex isn't too bad. Before I was 90% sure breaking up would be the best thing to do.. but now I am just back to being confused!


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Help D:


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

MoonlitMadness said:


> Help D:


What's up?


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

Just don't know what to do anymore. Feel so guilty and torn.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

MoonlitMadness said:


> Just don't know what to do anymore. Feel so guilty and torn.


At the very least, you need to take a break. I think you'll have a difficult time assessing while you're this close.


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## dadadoom (Nov 14, 2013)

Totally sounds as if you don´t like him? :/


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I do like him. I love him. I decided the other day I really want to try and work things out despite my doubts. Yesterday he came round mine and we had the best day we've had in a while  It felt so right. We don't have sex all that often because I have a super low sex drive (thank you, depression) but I felt closer to him yesterday so yeah. We started kissing then he pretty much got the condom on straight away, then went straight inside me, no foreplay. So it hurt a little (sorry for the TMI). Then he started asking me to give him head so our love making was "mutual". He NEVER asks for that. I hate being asked. So I didn't want sex after that. He knows I find it hard sometimes. He said he accepts I have a low sex drive. Then we had a massive convo about how he feels when we have sex it's not mutual and I just lie there and expect him to give me pleasure without giving him it! I said what is a girl meant to do, I kiss you don't I and move with you, but I can't do a lot but you get pleasure cos you orgasm every time but I can't through full sex alone. He said I could go on top more and I do sometimes but it doesn't feel good for me and I don't feel confident doing so but I do now and then cos I know he likes it. I just feel like I am not good enough now. Sex always becomes such a problem in my relationships, I just wish I had a higher sex drive.

Then he started saying he doesn't know if we can work things out. And I said how do we know when we haven't tried yet, and he says we have been trying. He said all this personal stuff like I'm too sarcastic but that's just my personality!

I was crying all night, and he said he loves me and we can work it out but I just feel so attacked now. Don't know how I am going to face work today.


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## MoonlitMadness (Mar 11, 2013)

I don't seem to have any emotion anymore.. how can I be in a relationship when I don't even know if I feel love or happiness? He treats me so well but my depression has left me feeling like a zombie. I can't take it anymore :/


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## Skeletra (Aug 30, 2012)

MoonlitMadness said:


> I don't seem to have any emotion anymore.. how can I be in a relationship when I don't even know if I feel love or happiness? He treats me so well but my depression has left me feeling like a zombie. I can't take it anymore :/


Have you considered getting professional help?


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