# Candrnow's CCBT Log Part 2



## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Hello all. I started a log last summer in this forum but abandoned it in November. Here's the link, for those who are interested:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...ccbt-log-for-overcoming-social-anxiety-96418/

As for an update, things have been going well lately. After group therapy ended, I stopped doing CT & BT out of laziness, which didn't end up being a wise decision. A lot of the social anxiety came back. It was better than when I had started group, but worse than compared to the point during group at which I had my most success.

Recently, I started doing CT again. I don't do CT from the OSA workbooks (nor do I listen to the CDs), but I have wrote a few things on notecards and I read them regularly to myself.


I want to come to like who I am, but I do not want to change my perceptions to do this. I do not want to accept myself. I want to change until I like who I have BECOME.
To be who you want to become, you have to take a leap of faith & ACT like it every single day. PERSISTENCE!
You can become anybody you want. You can have any trait you want. Go get it. YOU have the power.
Have confidence in who you are and more importantly, who you WANT to BECOME.
Push doubts out of your mind. They are ANTs (LIES!) and NEVER do you any good.
You will feel discouraged; things will get tough. Sweep that "under the rug" or toss that out of the house entirely. PERSIST!
Meditate and contemplate regularly!
Keep catching those ANTs!
Your contempt for your perceived "fakeness" or "falseness" is an ANT and a huge lie!

An important development in my CT compared to Dr. Richards' stuff is that I no longer accept my fate as someone with SA. I do NOT accept being a coward. I want to like who I am, but I do not want to adjust my perceptions of my acceptance of myself to accomplish this. Rather, I want to CHANGE myself. I want to BECOME someone I can like. At the same time, I accept the fact that I will stumble along the way. I think it is theoretically absolutely possible to achieve my this goal though as long as I do not fall into a cycle of cowardice. I have to read my notecards every day and contemplate and think about this stuff regularly. This is a major reason why I am starting this log up again.

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One challenge I currently am facing is this deal with a girl. She is in two of my classes and on Friday, she invited to go hang out with her friends out of the blue. In terms of my social anxiety, I thought it was a really big step forward for me. I talked to a lot of people I met that day without much anxiety, just being myself really. Even accepting the invitation was a big step for me. So actually, now that I think about it, this was a gigantic success.

The PROBLEM is:

I am terrified of being awkward around her now. I REALLY want to just be super comfortable around her and regard her as a friend I can talk to. Another thing: I had a crush on her. Even though I told myself early on that it wasn't a true crush and that it was an "SA crush" (I had those feeling for her because of the SA, not because there was any really good reason to have a crush on her), those feelings pop up from time to time, making things more difficult.

I am contemplating why I have had so much recent success with SA recently. I have a feeling it is because I have placed an emphasis on MYSELF, rather than even considering other people. I've noticed I haven't even told myself that other people are not thinking badly about myself, etc., which is a major part of Dr. Richards' CT philosophy. I think pushing all thoughts about other people out of my head and just considering my own concerns and desires has really been key.

As such...

The SOLUTION is:

Be YOU. Be a YOU that you can be proud of. YOU are all that matters, not anyone else. Do not consider anyone else's thoughts and feelings and perceptions about you. Being myself, being proud of how I carry myself, is great enough for me.


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## engima (Feb 3, 2009)

candrnow said:


> Be YOU. Be a YOU that you can be proud of. YOU are all that matters, not anyone else. Do not consider anyone else's thoughts and feelings and perceptions about you. Being myself, being proud of how I carry myself, is great enough for me.


Could you not be proud of yourself while considering others' thoughts and feelings though? Being proud of yourself is great idea but why shut off considering what other people think? If you are proud of yourself, you should be able to like yourself while taking others into consideration, no?


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

engima said:


> Could you not be proud of yourself while considering others' thoughts and feelings though? Being proud of yourself is great idea but why shut off considering what other people think? If you are proud of yourself, you should be able to like yourself while taking others into consideration, no?


I understand your sentiments. I thought that part of my entry could be mis-interpreted when I was typing that but didn't bother to clarify myself. What I meant was, I am no longer going to take into consideration ANTs that manifest themselves as people's thoughts and feelings. At the same time, for me, being proud of myself also means being a good person who does what is right and does consider other people's feelings (just not ANTs! and I think at this point I can tell the difference).

I really appreciate your thoughts. It forced me to think a little more deeply about this and now I have a clearer understanding of my own philosophy.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

If you have nothing else to go on, just do what is right. Muster up the courage and do what is right.

It sounds so simple doesn't it?


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

*I Want To Be*:


"Clean", virtuous, upright. As I was typing this, I took a quick second to delete all of my porn. :clap No more of that. I'm pretty sure watching porn and having dirty thoughts breed my sexual insecurities. 
Responsible, dedicated, intense, passionate to the cause. I want to say I'm going to do something and then put all my fire and passion into going even beyond. I want to put all my energies into this journey of overcoming my anxieties and insecurities.
Courageous, strong, tenacious. I can't be a coward forever. At some point in every person's life, the person has to stand up and shout. I believe it's my time. 
Contemplative, reflective, open-minded. I want to be able to reflect upon my philosophies and give myself honest, constructive criticism of how to better pursue my ideals. I want to be able to realize when I am being stupid or cowardly. I also want to be able to realize when I'm being brave.

One more thing: Recently, I've caught myself having a bunch of "hopeless-like," quasi-intellectual thoughts that plays to my perceptions of being deep and contemplative. That's a terribly idiot thing to do, and that's not who I want to be. Maybe I can read my notecards whenever my brain feels like having something to think about instead of that stupid crap. No more fantasizing. Fantasies breed and feed insecurities.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Not a bad day in terms of the SA. I'm chugging along. I shut down a lot of fantasies and negative thoughts that were popping up in my head, so that's good. Talking to people is getting easier.

*Being* who you want to be > acting like who you want to be, although you have to start somewhere.

Day after day after day after day after day after day...


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Lots of positives recently:


I'm no longer intimidated by the people I volunteer with. Again, this has resulted from my steadfast determination to promote my own agenda, act on my own beliefs, share my thoughts, be ME.
I can speak very freely at office hours. Reason? Same as above.
Asked 2 questions in a big lecture hall today. Initially I was apprehensive but I did it anyways because I kept on telling myself that it's important to act on my desires and thoughts. I woulda been disappointed if I hadn't asked my questions when I wanted to know the answer.

In my mind, I am scared of having all my progress go away. I actually don't regard this as an ANT, because it has happened before and in all likelihood, there will be bad days, perhaps period of time even longer than days. But the answer to that is: what else can I do but be brave and keep chugging along? Persistence and courage are the keys.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I took a nap just now and I was dreaming. I don't know what I dreamed about, but when I woke up, I was certain of the fact that I've changed so much from the person I had been just a year ago. I don't know if I believe in God, but I feel so blessed. I never used to feel blessed, I always had felt I had been cursed with SA. But I don't think I could have turned into such a decent person had it not been for SA. I've been around close-minded, selfish, petty people all my life, and there's no doubt in my mind that I would have turned out just like them if I didn't have SA. In fact, I probably would have turned out worse. I've done a lot of introspection and soul-searching in the last year, and I've grown and changed into a fundamentally decent person, I'd like to believe. When you see people up close, they're beautiful.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I'm pretty sick and tired, but spiritually, I'm feeling pretty good. Today was definitely interesting in terms of the SA. Had some good moments and tougher moments.

Positives:

Asked a couple of question in my office hours comfortably.
Struck up a long convo with a girl, was very comfortable doing that and speaking my mind.
Very comfortable convo with the delivery guy.

As you can see, I've become a lot more comfortable talking to people, lol.

I'm still getting nervous at the thought of talking with the girl I have a "crush" on though. I'm hoping that once I get into an actual convo with her, things will go smoothly and it's just the initiation part that is going to be tough.

I need more courage in general. It's something I can train probably. I have to start small though.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Today was interesting.

Positives:


Summoned up the courage to talk to the chick I keep mentioning. Kept on debating whether or not to go over to her or not but ended up doing so. Glad I did. Upping it in terms of courage.
Talked pretty "naturally" to somone I am a little intimidated by on the way to class. Good stuff.

Negatives:


Same chick, as we were leaving class: goodbyes were a little awkward. I'm unsure why. I think I just got nervous just for the sake of getting nervous, because the motor pathways in my brain have been wired like that. I beat myself up over it for an hour afterward, but now I'm good. That's another positive I guess. I don't beat myself up as much over things anymore. 

*I Want To Be (Updated)*:


"Clean", virtuous, upright. As I was typing this, I took a quick second to delete all of my porn. No more of that. I'm pretty sure watching porn and having dirty thoughts breed my sexual insecurities.
Responsible, dedicated, intense, passionate to the cause. I want to say I'm going to do something and then put all my fire and passion into going even beyond. I want to put all my energies into this journey of overcoming my anxieties and insecurities.
Courageous, strong, tenacious. I can't be a coward forever. At some point in every person's life, the person has to stand up and shout. I believe it's my time.
Contemplative, reflective, open-minded. I want to be able to reflect upon my philosophies and give myself honest, constructive criticism of how to better pursue my ideals. I want to be able to realize when I am being stupid or cowardly. I also want to be able to realize when I'm being brave.
I want to see people as they are, without any emotional attachment or personal feelings. I want to see every single person in the world equally, as human beings worthy of respect, and... that's it. I want to be able to see everybody equally without judgement or assumptions or personal attachment.

That last one is a new one I've added onto the list. It's going to be a tough one. I think I'm doing well on working on the other 4 items on the list. It's translated over into my non-SA problems as well. My apartment is a lot cleaner than before because I clean up after myself very regularly now, lol.

And I haven't masturbated in a week! I HAVE had sexual and dirty thoughts and it's been tempting, but I need to keep trying to keep away from that crap. Even though I have had those thoughts, many other times when those thoughts initially come to my mind I just ignore them or start thinking of something else.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

It's about me. It's about me. It's about me. It's about me. It's about me.


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## Gemini32 (Apr 12, 2011)

i like your progresss, seems its going smoothly


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Gemini32 said:


> i like your progresss, seems its going smoothly


There's been ups and downs recently due to not having enough time to meditate and contemplate. I have to stay up all night tonight as well to finish my essay! It's terrible. 

All in all, more positive than negatives though, so I can't complain. Hopefully I can really get back into the CT on Wednesday. Thank for your comment!


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I'm under a lot of non-SA related pressure right now (academic), which means it's going to be tough focusing on the therapy the next few weeks until finals are over.

That being said, I did have a great positive today.


Asked a question in a huge lecture hall with many people. Wasn't that nervous either.

I want to be a good person.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I want to share something that I'm really proud of myself for having done.

Early on the semester, I basically ignored this chick in one of my classes who liked me. The reason was just because I didn't know how to talk to her. I felt she liked a certain image she thought she saw in me, and because of my SA, I was scared to death of ruining that image of myself. So I just ignored her. Pretty coldly too. I always felt like crap afterwards but I didn't see any other way.

But yesterday I just suddenly decided to approach her and start up a conversation, even offering to help her with an assignment. It really felt great. It was redemption for having been a jerk all semester long toward her. 

Other than that, today I was thinking about my remarkable progress over the last month or so and suddenly I became afraid that I was going to lose it all, or afraid that it's just been a fluke. 

Because of that thinking, I got more anxious and the SA started taking over a bit again. For example, I walked into a room with other students in it today and when they looked up, I was just unsure of where to look so I pretended I was focused on something across the room.

But I managed to steady myself by telling myself, "It's about me, not about them." That helps, it really does. And it's true. I need to act on MY own desires and MY own volition in working towards MY goals, namely becoming a better person for MYSELF.

I'm going to type the following as a reminder to myself: you're going to stumble along the way. No one's perfect, this journey won't be perfectly smooth. You're going to have ups and downs, if not sooner then DEFINITELY later. The important thing is having the COURAGE and the MORAL STRENGTH to fight back and press on and keep going.

No matter how exhausting it is, no matter how frightened you are, you have to keep on standing up and confronting your demons. It's the only way to become a better person, to become a good person.

I want to be a good person.I want to be upright and moral, tenacious and courageous, I want to be empathetic and really try to understand people. I want to have CHARACTER. I refuse to be spineless.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Why do you want to be a good person?


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I feel that it's important to really develop close, intimate, personal relationships with people with our time here on Earth. Otherwise, what's the point of having been alive? I want to feel things and I want to be moved, and I want to make others feel and be moved as well. 

I suppose that's why I want to be a good and self-respectable person. I think it's going to help me in moving toward developing those relationships with people. You can't be weak and expect to have a strong and intimate relationship with someone. 

I want to be a good person so I can love and be loved. I think that's all I ever wanted.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Strength comes from within.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

If you want something enough, you'll make it happen no matter how much you have to put yourself through.


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## Mia Q (Dec 30, 2010)

I'm also doing CBT but slacked off and a good portion of my anxiety returned. So reading through your logs is really encouraging, thank you for posting it up. ^^


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words Mia.

Some positives recently:


Almost 100% over the anxiety I had for 6 months working as a volunteer. Things don't bother me anymore.
Farted while I was taking a final today! It was a loud one. People heard, and I was embarassed initially. But I got over it pretty quickly, lol. Pretty funny.
A lot more confident in general. I'm much more direct with people. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be. Knowing those 2 things has made everything else crystal clear. I'm probably the most SA-free I've ever been in my life at this point. 

Obviously, I still have a ways to go before I become who I am aiming to become. Have to keep on keeping on.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Ugh, no more ****ing excuses. Time to purify myself.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Currently in the midst of finals, haven't been able to concentrate much on the CT.

Positives: still much more SA-free than I ever have been.

Negatives: not where I'd like to be yet, and can't start the self-therapy again until 1-2 week later. Noooooooooo!

Can't wait until this semester is over though...

I'm also currently in a war of words with someone from this forum in the Nutrition section, lols. It's pretty funny, check it out.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f11/bodybuilding-trainer-needed-122585/index8.html


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I need to get more exposure to talking to chickaroos somehow. Unfortunately, this summer probably won't lend me much opportunity to socialize. I'm going to be studying for the Dental Admissions Test, which is going to require a lot of time. I'm trying to get into a Spanish class at a community college though. Hope I get in because then I'll have some source of consistent exposure. The hope is we have to do a lot of presentations, group work, etc., which will keep me "on guard" and my CT focused.

Anyways, the semester is almost over, and I just finished my toughest final, so I'd like to say a few things.


The drama with the chick I mentioned earlier in the log was a little tough, but man, did it make me into a stronger person. I may not be 100% there yet, but I feel I have a pretty good idea of who I want to be and what I need to do to get there. 
I've burst out of my shell in terms of speaking up in class. I was petrified before, but over the last 2-3 months, I've been raising my hand, asking questions, giving comments, etc. Just speaking out, offering my opinion, being a part of my classes. It feels really great. I do still have nervousness, but that's fine. I can live with that.
I've always REALIZED that I can be whoever I want to be, that anything is possible. But it's believing it and putting that into action that makes it tough. I've started to believe it more now, but I'm not 100% there yet. I'm going to have to smoke some pot and think about how to get to 100%. Haha.
100% off meds!!! It's actually due to listening to my Neurochemistry professor explaining that meds actually can induce long-term (almost permanent, depending on how long you've been taking them) changes in gene expression, which is just really scary if you think about it. To anyone reading this: if at all possible (if you're not suicidal, if your anxiety/depression isn't anything TOO major), I would highly recommend lowering your dose or getting off meds altogether. It cannot be good for your body in the long run.

So in conclusion, this semester was a very big step toward not just overcoming SA, but overcoming deeper crises of identity as well.

I know who I am, and I will do what I need to do to become who I want to be.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

Done with finals! Oh my goodness. I've slept 5 hours in the past 48+ hours, ridiculous.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I'm back on the wagon again, fell off for a while. 

I'm going to put my head down and live my life for a week as humbly and honestly as I can. I want to see if I can follow my own orders, if I actually have the character to go through with this therapy. I truly believe that all my dreams can come true if I man up and am able to summon the strength that I need to move toward and fulfill my destiny. 

Test #1: Put your head down. Be humble, be honest. For 1 week. If you can do this, well... that's a good sign.

You've got a lot of work to do this weekend. Get on it and do it and do it well.

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How do I become cool? You are cool when you live by your own rules, when you are so confident in your own identity that you shrug off what every body else thinks of you. You're cool when you're at the center of your own universe, when you don't even stop to consider the POSSIBILITY of someone else's thoughts. Not that that makes you a bad person. Empathy and good-heartedness can be integrated into coolness.


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## candrnow (Jun 15, 2010)

I can't do it, I can't focus on both CBT & the stresses of my everyday life. Unfortunately, I have to put this off until December, when I should get about 8 months to completely devote my life to this. It's not ideal, but that's how I work. The way I see results is putting all of my time and effort into a singular task; I'm a terrible multi-tasker. 

I'll be back in a few months I guess. Disappointing.


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