# Too much age difference?



## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

I'm 18, he's 26.
We have only been on a few dates, but he is very sweet and we have dazzling conversation. We can just sit there and talk and 3 hours just glides by. He went to community college and works at the city capital, still lives with his mom, says he has no reason to move out. We met through his best friend whom I work with, he's 25.
I seem to have difficulty connecting with guys my own age and younger. They don't approach me, and when I come up to them and initiate conversation they rarely ask for my number. "Shy" is not an excuse, sorry.


So guys, is this too much an age difference?
Also: he smokes cigarettes, marijuana, and drinks. I do not smoke even just the smell is a deal breaker. I occasionally smoke marijuana, but not with people because it almost totally breaks my ability to have a conversation. I don't drink, that is also a huge turn off.

Sorry for yet another long post. XD


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## Havalina (Dec 18, 2004)

I don't see the age difference as a problem at all.
However I do see the smoking/drinking thing as a problem since they are dealbreakers for you. In my experience, people do not change that type of lifestyle.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

The age difference is the least of your worries, OP. The fact that he smokes and does drugs and drinks (and you not liking the cigarette smell or the drinking) is an indicator that maybe you should reevaluate the situation. He also seems to be a bit of a bum, too. You know, him not having any intention on moving out of his mom's house and getting his own place...

But I could be wrong.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

DitzyDreamer said:


> The age difference is the least of your worries, OP. The fact that he smokes and does drugs and drinks (and you not liking the cigarette smell or the drinking) is an indicator that maybe you should reevaluate the situation. He also seems to be a bit of a bum, too. You know, him not having any intention on moving out of his mom's house and getting his own place...
> 
> But I could be wrong.


Right, agreed thanks girl. His friend told me he's the kind of guy that would quit smoking and shave his beard for a girl he really likes.
Guess I'll try to think of a way to talk to him about it..


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

8 years is a good age difference. I would have died to date someone who was 26 when I was 18.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

looktothelight said:


> Right, agreed thanks girl. His friend told me he's the kind of guy that would quit smoking and shave his beard for a girl he really likes.
> Guess I'll try to think of a way to talk to him about it..


Yeah, definitely talk to him about it. But don't go in the expectation that you'll be able to "change" him. Hopefully, he'll be understanding and he'll modify his behavior for the relationship.

Hope all goes well!


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

looktothelight said:


> I'm 18, he's 26.
> We have only been on a few dates, but he is very sweet and we have dazzling conversation. We can just sit there and talk and 3 hours just glides by. He went to community college and works at the city capital, still lives with his mom, says he has no reason to move out. We met through his best friend whom I work with, he's 25.
> I seem to have difficulty connecting with guys my own age and younger. They don't approach me, and when I come up to them and initiate conversation they rarely ask for my number. "Shy" is not an excuse, sorry.
> 
> ...


So, it looks like you've got a dealbreaker. End of story, yeah? What does his age matter?

Unless smoking wasn't actually a dealbreaker for you. Many "dealbreakers" actually aren't dealbreakers at all, they're just "things I'd rather my potential partner didn't do."


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## Dempsey (Jun 27, 2009)

I like how the girls here are telling you to ditch him over petty things.

It isn't marriage. Have fun.

Or you can try and change the man. That always works. Smoking is really easy to give up.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

Dempsey said:


> I like how the girls here are telling you to ditch him over petty things.
> 
> It isn't marriage. Have fun.


I'm a smoker myself and I think it's really moronic for someone to call smoking a dealbreaker. But if someone says that such-and-such is a dealbreaker, it should actually be a dealbreaker.


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## drealm (Jul 7, 2009)

I think when you're younger age differences are magnified. At 18 you're just out of high school and either entering college or stepping into the workforce. I personally wouldn't be able to relate, everyone's different.

The drinking and smoking would seem to be the larger problem. But I get the impression that if you're already this infatuated with him you probably don't care about his side habits.


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## DitzyDreamer (Jun 10, 2008)

Dempsey said:


> I like how the girls here are telling you to ditch him over petty things.
> 
> It isn't marriage. Have fun.
> 
> Or you can try and change the man. That always works. Smoking is really easy to give up.


Smoking, drugs, and alcohol are hardly "petty things." IMHO.


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## Hadron92 (Apr 17, 2009)

IHeartSteveMcQueen said:


> 8 years is a good age difference. I would have died to date someone who was 26 when I was 18.


Well that makes me feel better. :lol

Cheers.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

Dempsey said:


> I like how the girls here are telling you to ditch him over petty things.
> 
> It isn't marriage. Have fun.
> 
> Or you can try and change the man. That always works. Smoking is really easy to give up.


Haaaa..............yeah changing a guy always works.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

bezoomny said:


> I'm a smoker myself and I think it's really moronic for someone to call smoking a dealbreaker. But if someone says that such-and-such is a dealbreaker, it should actually be a dealbreaker.


I guess for some people it's not a big deal, but me even when we're sitting beside eachother I have to turn my face away from him cause the stale smoke smell is so strong. 
And kissing? Only little pecks cause obviously the taste would make me gag. 
His teeth are yellow from all this. He would look younger if his teeth were white and he shaved the Moses beard he has goin on.


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## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

Heheh, makes it hard to be intimate with someone when you can't be close to them without gagging. I grew up with chain smoking parents so I have had my share of being around it. But now that I have been away from it for a while it makes me sick when I am around it too much and I can smell it on anyone who smokes. It would make it hard to be close to someone when their clothes, breath, and hair smelled like smoke.

The age is only an issue if it is an issue to you. You may get some wierd looks when people find out the difference but who cares what they think.

The only way your relationship is going to be long term is if he chooses to change to make you happy. It is hard to get people to change though. He may choose smoking and beer over you. If that is the case then you are better off without him. Fewer people smoke these days so its not inconceivable for you to find a nonsmoker and nondrinker.

Just the thought of kissing someone and having it taste like you licked an ashtray makes me queasy.


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## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

This is a question you really have to ask yourself. It's your choice, and you're free to make it. This is what it means to be a human being: that we make what we want of what we have.

If you like him, then keep him until you don't. If you want something short term and just want him for fun, have fun. If you want him until something better comes along, then do it. If you think that he will keep you from finding someone you might want more, you can still see him, just keep him a secret. If you don't want him, then drop him. Etc.


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## Rushes (Mar 31, 2009)

If he is going to change for you, what are you going to change for him? See how problems arise when we try to become different people for the sake of 'love'.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

looktothelight said:


> I guess for some people it's not a big deal, but me even when we're sitting beside eachother I have to turn my face away from him cause the stale smoke smell is so strong.
> And kissing? Only little pecks cause obviously the taste would make me gag.
> His teeth are yellow from all this. He would look younger if his teeth were white and he shaved the Moses beard he has goin on.


He sounds absolutely delightful.

I mean, this is my point, it's obviously a big deal to you so if he straight-up has a dealbreaker, then... it's a dealbreaker. I think you have some fantasy about changing this guy into someone who's perfect for you. I mean, I'm sure he'd love to hear how his stench of cigarettes gags you and how much you want him to get his teeth whitened, but are you actually going to tell him that or are you just gonna seethe in passive-agression?. It takes a while to quit successfully, and you cannot just quit for some girl because it doesn't work that way.


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## Fuzzy Logic (Sep 16, 2009)

I think things are only a problem if people think they are a problem. If you are both okay with each other's age then whatever (I have an aunt and uncle who have a gap of 15 years, which is almost double that!). However, you do seem to have a problem with his habits.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

looktothelight said:


> I'm 18, he's 26.
> We have only been on a few dates, but he is very sweet and we have dazzling conversation. We can just sit there and talk and 3 hours just glides by. He went to community college and works at the city capital, still lives with his mom, says he has no reason to move out. We met through his best friend whom I work with, he's 25.
> I seem to have difficulty connecting with guys my own age and younger. They don't approach me, and when I come up to them and initiate conversation they rarely ask for my number. "Shy" is not an excuse, sorry.
> 
> ...


8 years is nothing really. Stoners suck though.


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## JayDontCareEh (Jul 16, 2007)

_I love how if you smoke weed, regardless of how often, you're automatically labeled as a drug addict with a problem.

If you don't like it... *then be gone*_


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## 1applehearts1 (Jan 7, 2010)

not really a big age difference, to be honest. but if you dont like his habits, you cant be compatible unless you can compromise....who knows, maybe you can get him to quit...but youll probably end up arguing over it.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

Well guys, I ended it. He tried being mr. Elusive play hard to get with me, I absoltuely agte mid games it's immature to me. We were supposed to meet up somewhere then he's like,'on second thought just call and see where I am.' whatever dude, so I tell him look I can't be romantically involved with someone who smokes and drinks Alot and the beard makes me feel like I'm kissing someone very old maybe we can be friends sorry. So he says,'um wow ok I didn't think we were anything more honesy so can we have benefits?' uhh heck nawh what a loser. If he's 26 and all h wants is 'benefits' then he most likely will not be getting married and will be lonely. Anyway so I don't respond so he sends a text,'are you having a bad day or somethin and I don't drink all the time just often and I'm sorry if I did something to make you mad.'

well that's over. Seems everyone I meet is the same whether they're 15 or 26.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

JayDontCareEh said:


> I love how if you smoke weed, regardless of how often, you're automatically labeled as a drug addict with a problem.
> 
> If you don't like it... *then be gone*


Pretty sure I said nothing about weed as being a drug problem I meant ciggarettes, I smoke weed sometimes.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't think the age difference is that much, I mean people who are the same age still have relationship problems, and don't stay together for whatever reasons.

Try 15+ years. Now _that's_ a problem.


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

leonardess said:


> Try *15+ years*. Now _that's_ a problem.


I dont see that as a problem but its a personal preference I guess. :stu No right or wrong answer. The former married owners of this site had a 20 year age difference if I remember correctly.

I am married to someone 12 years older than me.

Its how well you can relate and how close you bond with the person. Love and closeness know no age limits.

In this situation, I dont see there was much of a bond regardless of age. If you cannot stand things about a person right off the bat you are better off looking else where. Sounds like the parting of ways was the best thing in this situation.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

WineKitty said:


> I dont see that as a problem but its a personal preference I guess. :stu No right or wrong answer. The former married owners of this site had a 20 year age difference if I remember correctly.
> 
> I am married to someone 12 years older than me.
> 
> ...





WineKitty said:


> I dont see that as a problem but its a personal preference I guess. :stu No right or wrong answer. The former married owners of this site had a 20 year age difference if I remember correctly.
> 
> I am married to someone 12 years older than me.
> 
> ...


Kudos to you if you are happily married. I'd still say the odds are against it, same as I'd say if two people got married very young, etc etc.

I was married to someone 11 years older than me. It didn't work out, not for that reason alone, but it was part of it.

I've been involved with people much younger than me, and again, the same thing. In fact, I'd venture to say that with an older woman and a much younger man, there will be even more problems. Sure, it can work, but that would be the exception rather than the rule.

However, I do agree that the ages in this case don't have much to do with it. It's not that big a gap.


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## VeggieGirl (Dec 11, 2009)

It depends on the people in the relationship, how comfortable you both are etc and also how the people in the relationship act such as acting their age or being immature.


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## sabueed (May 8, 2008)

So, am I going to have a hard time finding a girl because I smoke. I started smoking due to dpression of not having a gf.


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## 1applehearts1 (Jan 7, 2010)

looktothelight said:


> Well guys, I ended it. He tried being mr. Elusive play hard to get with me, I absoltuely agte mid games it's immature to me. We were supposed to meet up somewhere then he's like,'on second thought just call and see where I am.' whatever dude, so I tell him look I can't be romantically involved with someone who smokes and drinks Alot and the beard makes me feel like I'm kissing someone very old maybe we can be friends sorry. So he says,'um wow ok I didn't think we were anything more honesy so can we have benefits?' uhh heck nawh what a loser. If he's 26 and all h wants is 'benefits' then he most likely will not be getting married and will be lonely. Anyway so I don't respond so he sends a text,'are you having a bad day or somethin and I don't drink all the time just often and I'm sorry if I did something to make you mad.'
> 
> well that's over. Seems everyone I meet is the same whether they're 15 or 26.


gosh he needs to grow up. good for you telling him upfront what you wanted to say! some people just take longer to grow up and dont realize what lifes about. anyways, theres a guy out there for you.


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## IHeartSteveMcQueen (May 30, 2009)

haha you basically told him he was unattractive and suggested the most insulting thing ever, "lets be friends" and then wonder why he comes back with prick responses.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

sabueed said:


> So, am I going to have a hard time finding a girl because I smoke. I started smoking due to dpression of not having a gf.


If you find a girl that makes you happy, maybe you'll quit smoking?


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

1applehearts1 said:


> gosh he needs to grow up. good for you telling him upfront what you wanted to say! some people just take longer to grow up and dont realize what lifes about. anyways, theres a guy out there for you.


Yehh I believe there's someone for everyone..
But it seems like I never find my 'someone' it's always just more hurt. 
Kinda makes a girl wanna quit tryin, you know?


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

looktothelight said:


> If you find a girl that makes you happy, maybe you'll quit smoking?


Addictions don't work that way. If you try to quit for someone else, it will fail. I tried to quit smoking for my best friend. I lasted a week.


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## JFmtl (Dec 23, 2008)

bezoomny said:


> Addictions don't work that way. If you try to quit for someone else, it will fail. I tried to quit smoking for my best friend. I lasted a week.


Yep, you can't change addictions or behaviours or personality just for someone else, you need a real will that comes from yourself only, meaning you would change/quit regardless there is a special someone or not.

Also, don't think you can force change on someone. Accept someone (or not) for what he/she is, not what you would want it to be.


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## sabueed (May 8, 2008)

looktothelight said:


> If you find a girl that makes you happy, maybe you'll quit smoking?


If i find a girl, i probably 
will quit smoking, its the reason why i started


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## WineKitty (Nov 26, 2004)

leonardess said:


> Kudos to you if you are happily married. I'd still say the odds are against it, same as I'd say if two people got married very young, etc etc.
> 
> I was married to someone 11 years older than me. It didn't work out, not for that reason alone, but it was part of it.
> 
> ...


Your lack of success in your realtionships doesnt mean odds are against it. Any more than my successful one means the odds increase. I dont know what the true odds are, would be interesting to find out. But to deem it an "exception to the rule" is taking somewhat of a liberty, I think.

Marrying young is not a good analogy, people are a different time of life when they are 17 or 18 then when they are in their 30s or so, as I was when I remarried. It depends on the true age difference. The difference betwen 17 and 30 for example is a huge difference but the difference between 30 and 42...or 41 and 53 not so much. Or even a few years give or take in either direction. Depends on what stage of life one is at...With kids, with previous marriages/relationships etc. Just sayin... :stu


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

The guy is talking to me again ha and after all I said to him about the smoking and all..he still doesn't want to be just friends. Oh well.


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## eagleheart (Jun 14, 2007)

I have gone with someone 11 years older and almost/could have with someone 9 or 10 yrs older. It wouldn't trouble me too much, the other stuff would weigh on me more: But that's me personally.



looktothelight said:


> I don't drink, that is also a huge turn off.


It's a relief to know I'm not the only one :|


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

looktothelight said:


> I'm 18, he's 26.


Go for it. AFAIC, once a person turns 18, they're fair game.:lol


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## CuartaVez (Dec 8, 2009)

I know a girl who's 19 who went out with a 33 year old for a few days until she found out, like she suspected, he was married. I guess people can still be immature and stupid at any age. I'm not immature, but pretty stupid. I spent a day with this girl, went to a 'rumba' with her, bonded with her pretty well, etc. I was thinking i almost had something going with her... then i found out she has a bf and that she's just naturally sweet and flirtatious with everybody. I feel like SUCH an ***. 

(Don't know why i'm mentioning this, just haven't been able to get it off my mind.)


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## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

looktothelight said:


> Well guys, I ended it...


I'm sure that was wise of you, but sorry it didn't work out. Better luck next time!


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

I only dated 8 years older when I was your age... no problem, at 18 older is better.

but smoking, drugs === absolutely not... drinking would always depend on whether I thought he had a problem. Like does he always have alcohol in the house (or just a bottle of wine or a few for when ya'll are having dinner together) and does he drink every time you see him or does he have a few if you go out to a bar. If he is a hard drinker still, at 26 AND still lives with his mom... along with the drugs and smoking... I would not only walk away... I would run. 

It is a sign he has no sense of taking care of himself, his health, of self-control or of responsibility. I mean he sees no reason to move out of momma's house... ok, even if you were to assume he maybe has SA or something I would think if he can't take care of himself better than that then he sure can't take care of a wife or family. Is he paying her rent? What is he doing with his money that he is making at his job... does it all go to smokes, drugs and alcohol?

Plus you may just be dating but you should be dating with the intent of eventually finding a husband and this, IMHO, is not husband material yet. Let him go... maybe check him out in 5 years and see if he's grown up yet, but don't try to change him. Trying to change a man only leads to frustration and arguments and them resenting you and you losing respect for the man and yourself. You either start to compromise on how you feel because they don't change or you get upset because they aren't who you want them to be - usually both happen.

Instead of trying to make him who you want him to be --- go find the man that IS what you want and need him to be and don't settle for some guy who has never grown up and taken responsibility for his own life or his own health or his own actions.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

caflme said:


> Plus you may just be dating but you should be dating with the intent of eventually finding a husband and this, IMHO, is not husband material yet.


I disagree strongly. At 18, marriage shouldn't even be in your vocabulary. 18 is certainly far too young to be scoping out potential husbands.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

bezoomny said:


> I disagree strongly. At 18, marriage shouldn't even be in your vocabulary. 18 is certainly far too young to be scoping out potential husbands.


I wasn't suggesting in a year she sprint down the altar... was just saying (maybe not too clearly) that dating is to learn what you like and don't like in a future spouse... that is JMHO... I dated a lot from 18-25 and what I learned in those 7 years was what I wanted and needed in a husband so that when I met him I knew... I was engaged at 19 and at 23 thinking that 'they were the one' only to realize that I wasn't ready yet, they weren't ready yet or it just wasn't right.

For me I always said I would not married before I turned 25... but I did I was 24 with 9 months to go... close enough.


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## looktothelight (Jan 16, 2010)

Yes I agree with all of you guys' very helpful replies. I am dating with the intent of maintaining a relationship for a moderate amount of time, and finding the qualities I would want to spend the rest of my life with.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Havalina said:


> I don't see the age difference as a problem at all.
> However I do see the smoking/drinking thing as a problem since they are dealbreakers for you. In my experience, people do not change that type of lifestyle.


She's right..at least from what I've seen...


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## polardude18 (Oct 13, 2009)

Age is just a number lol, as long as you're not dating a person old enough to be your parent I don't think age makes much of a difference.


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## Hello22 (Feb 10, 2010)

For me, i much prefer older men, i never seem to connect with my age group romantically. I am not picky anymore but just want someone who is on my wavelength.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

There's nothing wrong with the age difference.

There is, however, a compatibility issue. He drinks and does drugs, and you don't. He also lives at home, which isn't attractive to you.

I'd say find someone who you dig for who they are, and let *him *find someone who digs him the way he is. It's unfair to you both to continue the relationship.


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## izzy (Dec 18, 2009)

drealm said:


> *I think when you're younger age differences are magnified*. At 18 you're just out of high school and either entering college or stepping into the workforce. I personally wouldn't be able to relate, everyone's different.


Yes! I hate when people say "age is just a number" when, in fact, it can be quite important when you're younger. People change so drastically over a short period of time when they're younger.

I don't mind potheads except most of the ones I've known don't have anything going for them and have no goals in life.


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