# Finally got a girlfriend. But i can't cope with her not being a virgin. Please Help



## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

I was close friends with a girl and we developed feelings for each other. I am 19. She is 20

We dated then she dumped me because she had too much anxiety (not social anxiety) But she today told me she could not get over me and is going to fight the anxiety.

She is cute and innocent but has a feisty side.

We were talking about an awkward conversation i was involved in with three girls talking about taking the Pill. She said she knows what it's like and she's been on it two years. This surprised me because she always said she sees sex as a big deal and as she always said she's never been in love i assumed she was a virgin. She also gets very awkward about the topic.

So i asked her why she takes it because she is not having sex at the moment and she said she never stopped taking it because it's best to keep going. So i asked her if she started when she was with an ex. She avoided it

So i flat out asked her and she was very awkward and just said 'are you' I said you first. so she said she wasn't. I STUPIDLY said i wasn't either.

I just hate the fact some other guy took her virginity one year ago. She has been on the pill for two. One of the reasons i liked her so much was because her lack of a serious relationship which meant i felt more at ease with her knowing i'm not being compared.

She has dated a lot of guys but is very shy about it all.

It really really bothers me that some other guy and put his you know what in her you know where and I'm guessing unprotected as well as she was on the pill. I keep picturing her losing her virginity and getting her brains ****ed out :frown2:

I just thought she was so innocent but i was being naive perhaps because like i said she did go clubbing a lot and gets hit on all the time and although she is shy she does have a curious side.

How do i get over it. A girl actually wants to date me. I should be ecstatic ( i have never even kissed a girl) but i am just filled with anxiety just because she is not a virgin.

Should i talk to her about this? Should i admit i am a virgin? Will this jealousy go away?

Really need some encouragement here


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

Dude. You are being completely nuts. No offense. But a person is not polluted or tainted if they have sex with someone. You can't have this ridiculous standard that any girl you're with has to be a virgin, and it's such a shallow standard. I think if you continue thinking this way you are just self-sabotaging yourself.


You are with this girl now. She's not with anyone else she slept with in the past. It's just irrelevant man. Let it go!!! It's POINTLESS to cling to! Why are you sabotaging yourself for NO reason!?!?


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)




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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I mean seriously I do not understand how so many people here are so torn up about being lonely, or wanting a girl or attention or some human contact, and are sad...


And then turn around and think things like, I'm uncomfortable if my GF is not a virgin, or that girls who don't lose their virginity by 20 are f'd up. I mean, why should any girl want to subject herself to views like that anyways? You have to be more understanding that, ok, maybe I think some bad things that I need to deal with. It's not a girl's fault that I have these awful ideas and I should accept being alone better until I sort it out.


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I think you should get to know someone before you judge them like that. Aren't all of us tired of being judged or people assuming things about us? Doesn't it make all of us unhappy?


So we don't have to do it so much ourselves too. Then we have no right to complain.


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## photorealisticotakuman (May 8, 2013)

I kind of understand how you feel k00ks. I'll tell you this; that is your insecurity and you need to catch yourself when the moment you fall into that pattern. When you get your chance to have sex with her, make sure to plow her like there is no tomorrow and also make her feel special. Don't let anxiety chew you and spit you out for hours only to to come to the realization that you are the boyfriend, you are good enough. 

Feel proud that you got a girlfriend. Celebrate that feeling more. Focus on the present.


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

photorealisticotakuman said:


> feel proud that you got a girlfriend. Celebrate that feeling more. Focus on the present.


+ + + + + + + + +


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

photorealisticotakuman said:


> I kind of understand how you feel k00ks. I'll tell you this; that is your insecurity and you need to catch yourself when the moment you fall into that pattern. When you get your chance to have sex with her, make sure to plow her like there is no tomorrow and also make her feel special. Don't let anxiety chew you and spit you out for hours only to to come to the realization that you are the boyfriend, you are good enough.
> 
> Feel proud that you got a girlfriend. Celebrate that feeling more. Focus on the present.


Thanks for that 

You're right it is my insecurity and others are right that people do have sex, that's just what young people do. If i had of had the chance of course i wouldn't be a virgin either.

_Removed_

I did just go for a run, it really does help stop me worrying about things a bit. One thing this has done is motivate me to get in really really good shape so that my body is the best she's ever seen :grin2:


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

So should i talk to her about it? And tell her i am actually a virgin? I did say i'd only had sex a couple of times so was basically a virgin anyway


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## Surly Wurly (May 9, 2015)

she is a sexual person and you need to learn to deal with that, you don't own her entire sexuality. i know its not easy to process these sorts of feelings but there's the facts. good luck buddy, hope you can get your head round it all.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

photorealisticotakuman said:


> I kind of understand how you feel k00ks. I'll tell you this; that is your insecurity and you need to catch yourself when the moment you fall into that pattern. When you get your chance to have sex with her, make sure to plow her like there is no tomorrow and also make her feel special. Don't let anxiety chew you and spit you out for hours only to to come to the realization that you are the boyfriend, you are good enough.
> 
> Feel proud that you got a girlfriend. Celebrate that feeling more. Focus on the present.


Agreed. 

K00ks good job on getting a girlfriend. You got one, now you're gonna love her; her past or future does not matter only the moments you spend with her, here and now.


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## DistraughtOwl (Mar 1, 2014)

I used to think this way when I was a little younger but once you get into your twenties it's going to be very difficult to meet girls who are virgins after that point. You just have to get used to the fact that girls have sex. 

I understand being turned off if it was just a casual sex thing but if it's with a past boyfriend or something you need to just get over it. If she doesn't have any sexually transmitted diseases or something you should be good.

You should tell her you're a virgin and that you were worried what she would feel about you. There's no point in lying about it. If you want her to love you for you then you have to be honest about yourself to her.


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## meepie (Jun 20, 2010)

East said:


> Staff Edit


The OP is asking for help. His insecurity is already high but at least he acknowledges something is wrong and wants to change(hopefully). That is a sign of a good boyfriend in my opinion. Willing to compromise and recognizing faults so we can better ourselves for the other person.


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## hyacinth girl (May 9, 2015)

See it from the bright side; sex can be scary not to mention difficult. Now at least one of you knows a bit about what's going on. The blind leading the blind really isn't as romantic as it sounds like...


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

meepie said:


> The OP is asking for help. His insecurity is already high but at least he acknowledges something is wrong and wants to change(hopefully). That is a sign of a good boyfriend in my opinion. Willing to compromise and recognizing faults so we can better ourselves for the other person.


Thanks for backing me up. I know she has done absolutely wrong. And it is just me.

I can't help my SA. But i am really worried about my SA ruining what should be a really great relationship because we've liked each other for so long and no matter what can't get over each other. I just want to come to terms with it.

Like i said she really did not want to talk about it at all so maybe her experience wasn't that good.

I just keep getting random flashes in my head of her having sex with him. It makes it worse that i was convinced she was a virgin. She seemed to scared about it all. I wanted to be the first guy she feels comfortable enough to go all the way with.

Which was naive, i accept. But we all understand SA here


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

Our first date as a couple is this weekend. If it comes up i will try to tell her i am a virgin but i really don't think she wants to speak about sex again just yet


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## mike91 (Sep 23, 2012)

k00ks said:


> I was close friends with a girl and we developed feelings for each other. I am 19. She is 20
> 
> We dated then she dumped me because she had too much anxiety (not social anxiety) But she today told me she could not get over me and is going to fight the anxiety.
> 
> ...


Most girls that are in late teens at not virgins so good luck find one that is not


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

East said:


> Staff Edit


Have you never experienced jealousy?


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## East (Jul 22, 2013)

k00ks said:


> Have you never experienced jealousy?


no. never. my jealousy glands were removed at two months. please don't make fun of me it's a very touchy subject


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

East said:


> no. never. my jealousy glands were removed at two months. please don't make fun of me it's a very touchy subject


lol that don't make fun of me? Why are you even here


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## East (Jul 22, 2013)

k00ks said:


> lol that don't make fun of me? Why are you even here


slippery pete sent me


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

First you're unhappy because you don't have a girlfriend--forever alone. Now you get a girlfriend and you're unhappy because you worry she's comparing you to her ex. Notice how even though circumstances change you sill find ways to be unhappy. You have to learn to just live in the moment and stop thinking up new problems for yourself. 

When I think about it, there are a few girls I've had sex with who were much better in bed than all the others. But for me, and I think most people would agree, the quality of the relationship completely outweighs the quality of the sex.


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## Wirt (Jan 16, 2009)

I'll start off saying I understand what you're feeling. You're not a bad person like someone might've insinuated.

But yea, its a thought you just have to get over. Remember , what if you guys have sex and then (God forbid) things end and you meet someone else who you find is incredibly special...would you want them to hold it against you? Or would you just be focused on her and the current relationship.

People are going to live their lives and won't know what the future holds

Honestly, the issue of self esteem won't be conquered witht his one scenario. So not thinking deeply about the topic might be the best route in the mean time


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

I don't think the OP is a bad person. Not at all. I just think it is an incredibly ridiculous view to have and he would really do well by himself to get rid of it.


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## Staticnz (Mar 25, 2013)

And I agree with East in the sense that it's really not fair to the girl for you to go on thinking this way.


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## RibbleRabble (Dec 18, 2014)

k00ks said:


> It really really bothers me that some other guy and put his you know what in her you know where


No offense intended, but I honestly do not think you are mature enough for sex.


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## legallyalone (Jan 24, 2014)

this attitude creeps me out so much. don't bother her by talking about this, just reflect alone on why you've internalized these ideas about "losing" virginity and placing value on virginity, and don't say innocent when you mean sexually inexperienced, that's gross.


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## RibbleRabble (Dec 18, 2014)

Staticnz said:


> I don't think the OP is a bad person. Not at all. I just think it is an incredibly ridiculous view to have and he would really do well by himself to get rid of it.


Seriously, he is going to have a hard time when he gets into his mid 20's and all the girls his age have slept with 20 dudes.


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## gopherinferno (Apr 7, 2009)

i had a similar problem with my first bf and honestly it just takes time to get over it


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

You'll get over it, the fact it's your first relationship (I'm assuming) and everything is new and a shock to the system will lead to overthinking. I'm sure once you have been with her awhile and had sex with her yourself that you will get over it.


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

I know it sounds bad 

I am worried one of the reasons i thought she was so special is because she was a virgin. And then when i find out she is just like everyone else

Oh god. I still think she is amazing though


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

Staticnz said:


> And I agree with East in the sense that it's really not fair to the girl for you to go on thinking this way.


I know:frown2:

The worst part about SA is moments like these


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## Wirt (Jan 16, 2009)

k00ks said:


> I know it sounds bad
> 
> I am worried one of the reasons i thought she was so special is because she was a virgin. And then when i find out she is just like everyone else
> 
> Oh god. I still think she is amazing though


That's definitely a really unhealthy and unfair way of thinking about things


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

k00ks said:


> I know it sounds bad
> 
> I am worried one of the reasons i thought she was so special is because she was a virgin. And then when i find out she is just like everyone else
> 
> Oh god. I still think she is amazing though


What if you have sex with her then you two break up, will you feel like you are't worthy anymore to any future partners you have because you are no longer a virgin?


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## chesirebaa5000 (Jun 14, 2015)

To the OP, you just have to be realistic and reasonable. By the age of 24 years, 95% of Americans would have lost their virginity. That is fact. There has been a slightly growing number of virgins nowadays, but it is no more than 7% of Americans. That is no more than 21 million Americans, a 1/20 chance of that person being a virgin.That's the very definition of "rare." The point is that people will be having sex, and using personality to judge a person's sexuality is useless (assuming no asexuality).

Hey, it sucks being the second person (and actually, I could see an argument made where it would have been better to date someone who have several more people because then that someone would not really remember all of them), but you just have to shrug off the notion of your girlfriend being "used." Have you ever considered that maybe she does NOT want to remember her experience with her ex? You could use that to your advantage.

Although it seems its really just a mentality issue, about possibly not being "good enough" or won't be (or is it simply just the part of seeing her like... as if she were a porn actress? Thus the mental images?). You have to remember that there are a lot of people with that sort of anxiety as well. You have two sexually experienced people who start dating, consider the possible emotions that may be running in their heads, "am I good enough?" And since it looks like you lied about not being a virgin, now SHE may be the anxious one. You are a virgin, she is not. Your ideas will be fresh and you can help set the tone. Also, if you are really that special someone to her, run wild and be as sensual as eff. 

What I would do is talk to her: admit to being a virgin, admit to not exactly coming to terms with her not being a virgin, but then also say you want to eff her hard or something (when the time is appropriate of course). Let her guide you through (trust me on this, it will make the first encounter better).


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## acidicwithpanic (May 14, 2014)

I mean at your age it isn't any surprise someone like her isn't a virgin. If you keep this mentality up, things would get worse as you get older because it would get harder to find fellow virgins to date.


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## saperson (Jun 28, 2015)

Hey OP I've never been in a relationship but I get what you're feeling. I've had similar thoughts as well while thinking about relationships and dating. I don't have a GF so I don't know how I'll actually react if the situation actually arises. I'll probably just focus on the moment, like thinking "I'm with her now and that's all that matters"


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

At least you're not #37


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

At least you've acknowledged your problems OP, I really hope you are able to get past them and enjoy your new relationship. Like others have said, it means absolutely nothing that she has had sex before.



East said:


> Staff Edit


You are doing the same thing that you are accusing the OP of: letting your preconceived prejudices cloud your judgement.


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## East (Jul 22, 2013)

apx24 said:


> You are doing the same thing that you are accusing the OP of: letting your preconceived prejudices cloud your judgement.


cool but the thing is i don't give a **** lol also you're no saint either



chaotic brain said:


> Staff Edit


uh who even are you lmao don't talk to me thanks xx


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## chaotic brain (Oct 10, 2013)

legallyalone said:


> Staff Edit


Honestly I think a lot of people who are virgins of both gender would find someone "special" who is still a virgin. It's very natural to want to lose your virginity to a virgin.


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## chaotic brain (Oct 10, 2013)

East said:


> cool but the thing is i don't give a **** lol also you're no saint either
> 
> uh who even are you lmao don't talk to me thanks xx


Sorry, I didn't know you were uncomfortable talking to strangers on an internet forum.


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

Normally when i sleep on things i feel better, but i barely slept and felt sick this morning. What the ****. I can't really bring myself to say it but i'm wondering if I've fallen in love with her? I looked at her today sitting there (we work together) in her cute dress and just think there is no way she would sleep with anyone she wasn't in love with. But this guy she wasn't only with a short while and she definitely did not love (her words, she didn't even consider him a BF, just a semi serious relationship) managed to crack her. He was a nice guy as well. Would have been easier if he was an ******* TBH.

I keep trying to tell myself it is me she likes now like everyone has said but it doesn't work. I can not believe how much this is effecting me i feel like she has somehow cheated on me which she hasn't. My only hope is the feelings of jealousy will die down enough for me to have in under control and then when we (hopefully, if we last that long) have sex i'll feel better about it


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

How dare a young lady let a scoundrel violet her in such an obscene way! All us guys are entitled to virgins. Dump the ho.


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

nubly said:


> How dare a young lady let a scoundrel violet her in such an obscene way! All us guys are entitled to virgins. Dump the ho.


I know she has done nothing wrong. It's just my SA but that doesn't mean it's not torturing me. I can't even eat properly. WTF is wrong with me


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

But it's okay if guys sleep with other women, right?


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

Sacrieur said:


> But it's okay if guys sleep with other women, right?


like i have said all along. i KNOW she has done NOTHING wrong.

that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. It is ridiculous how much it has hurt me though


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## veron (Apr 29, 2009)

I've been in the situation where I've built up this ideal image of somebody, only to later learn that this person had faults I hadn't envisioned... and my "dreams" would come crashing down.

It seems like something similar is happening to you. You thought that this girl was ideal, and as it turns out, she's not. But that's ok - every person is going to have some fault or other, the "ideal" girl exists only in your head.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Sexual experience for either partner aside...

SA or anxieties for either partner aside...

You need to really explore why you see a non-virgin as soiled and beneath your standards. I think it points to either a very unhealthy view of sex and it's meaning or it points to a concerning _control issue on your part_.

Can you choose to date or not date someone based on how you view their character? Sure, go for it...you're entitled, if not expected to.

However, be careful on your criteria and measurements for judging.


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

KyleInSTL said:


> Sexual experience for either partner aside...
> 
> SA or anxieties for either partner aside...
> 
> ...


I think it's because i've always been insecure about the fact i'd never had a girl friend. Never kissed a girl. I felt like nobody wanted to date me. Then this girl comes along who is gorgeous. She has had a lot of dating experience, because she is gorgeous she gets asked out all the time, but as she is shy she never took it too far with anyone and sees sex as a massive deal. And yet for some reason she liked me. She made me think that if a girl like that can still be a virgin, maybe being a virgin isn't so bad. And for us to have both lost our virginity together would have been so much easier for me. My SA is terrible. i worry about everything. If she was a virgin i wouldn't have to compare myself to anyone now i will forever be thinking:

Is my **** as big as his?
Does he turn her on more?
Is he better in bed? 
Is he better looking?

My first time (if i don't mess this up which i probably will at the rate i'm going) is now going to be filled with Anxiety. I don't even know why i'm assuming i will lose it to her because we're not even close to that yet


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## acidicwithpanic (May 14, 2014)

Well if you do lose it to her, at least you won't expect it to suck as bad compared to the rest of who did lose it to other virgins when we knew nothing about what we were exactly doing lol.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

k00ks said:


> Is my **** as big as his?
> Does he turn her on more?
> Is he better in bed?
> Is he better looking?


Look, and a woman (I hate it when people say females, because last time I checked, we shouldn't be with "girls" or non-humans) should answer this, but you need to work on the anxiety aspect because whether you are her first or her tenth, there will be questions raised in her mind. And accept this...YOU CANT CONTROL what someone thinks, feels, does...PERIOD.

This is hopefully the reason why you find someone that you are romantically connected with so "Sex" isn't the only thing you get to be measured on.


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

Its not a big deal- Not to say you aren't thinking so just that in the big scheme of things it really isn't. The vast majority of people aren't virgins and if you focus on it you will most likely just drive her away. She's with you now, and you got a good shot to keep it that way.


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

I just went for a long run. Really clears my mind. Strongly recommend it to everyone.

It has made me feel a little better. I just need to find a way to truly accept it. Me and her could have a really serious relationship. We were on and off (due to her anxiety) for a while but she finally said she just can not get over me no matter what she does. A serious loving relationship will not have been made much/any better just because i took her virginity. and that is what i need to tell myself.

I think i did have some fairytale in my head. Some girl and i fall in love blah blah blah and then have some magical moment were we lose are virginity together.

It is still there in the back of my mind. It's just the fact she just didn't seem to type to have had sex without a loving relationship that got to me, if she was really outgoing and confident i wouldn't of minded as much because i know for her it was a huge moment in her life that i didn't get to share with her. I was being stupid. I keep telling myself this. I'm trying not to over think it as there is, like people have said, nothing I, she nor anyone else can do to change it.


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## 50piecesteve (Feb 28, 2012)

I wouldn't worry about it dude, but you ****ed up by telling her you have experience. You better practice on a pillow or something lol


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## k00ks (Apr 26, 2014)

50piecesteve said:


> I wouldn't worry about it dude, but you ****ed up by telling her you have experience. You better practice on a pillow or something lol


I said we didn't really do it much. I will try and tell her I'm a virgin but if i fail i'll say we only did it once or twice


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## knightofdespair (May 20, 2014)

k00ks said:


> I said we didn't really do it much. I will try and tell her I'm a virgin but if i fail i'll say we only did it once or twice


I wouldn't even bring it up unless she asks.. In most relationships that is the kind of stuff good to know but doesn't really matter all that much once you get a few miles down the road. Focus on her and not keeping track of stats and long gone ghosts of the past.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

k00ks said:


> like i have said all along. i KNOW she has done NOTHING wrong.
> 
> that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. It is ridiculous how much it has hurt me though


Why does it hurt you?


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## Omoidekozo (May 27, 2012)

k00ks, I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself the way you handled that conversation. You didn't have to lie and I honestly think you'd feel better if you can clean to her about that. Get it off your chest and tell her how this makes you feel. Before even that you need to think about why this bothers you. Here's some things I think you should keep in mind as well:

• You don't mean anything less to her just because you weren't her first. (she's a year older than you. It's pretty plausible that she'd experience a few things before you do.)

• Relationships and sex should never be about marking your territory (She isn't a thing that's your's, she is a person whom you are with)

• You don't have to live up to/beat the experience of her past boyfriend(s)/partners; if she wanted to be with them, she would be still.

• You can get pass this. You don't have to feel this way. She definitely doesn't.


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