# the importance of having a girlfriend/boyfriend



## thankyouberry (Aug 11, 2011)

From the posts I read here, it seems like a lot of the depression and insecurity involved with SA comes from not having a significant other. I guess for most people, falling in love or having sex is important... but mainly for social reasons. In particular, with other people looking at you and determining that you're a loser because you're single or a virgin. Is that right?

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think that's a very skewed way of looking at things. Maybe based on my family background, I tend to think it's strange when people mention extensive dating records or reminisce about having sex. My mother didn't date until college; she married the first guy she dated and they're still together. I wouldn't be surprised if my father was a virgin when he married (around 30). Back in their time and in their country, that was the norm.

Some people have told me that most men are horny and they are all probably obsessed with sex regardless of how proper they are. I can buy that, but why does that translate into no sex = loser here in America? Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of the most celebrated Americans back in the day, had a weak sex drive. Given his Christian background, I assume he didn't have sex until marriage. I can't help feeling that this is all very arbitrary.

As for love... probably because I'm highly introverted, I don't think I would mind very much if I never found anyone. If I do, great... if I don't, well, I don't contribute to the gene pool. In the evolutionary scheme of things, I lose, but I don't have particularly good genes anyway. I also wouldn't be contributing to overpopulation. 

If I never fell in love, I would just dedicate my time to other things. Like making money, maybe. Or helping orphaned children. There are some benefits to not being tied down to a partner or children of your own. You're left with lots of time and resources, unless you don't have those either. 

Does the absolute importance of love/sex (depending on individual preference) override social norms or is it the other way around?

Sorry for the long post.


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## InfiniteBlaze (Jan 27, 2011)

I say **** it. Sex and relationships are overrated.


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## mcmuffinme (Mar 12, 2010)

I liked reading this. It challenged my self-deprecating interpretation of my circumstances as a single person. I still feel a miserable hunk of mass in my stomach right now, just from feeling generally crappy, but I appreciate what you are saying, and life shouldn't be completely dedicated to the pursuit of love. I know I beat myself up in part because of societal norms and expectations, and that I need a reality check sometimes. Thanks for the perspective


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

I wish I could be content with potentially being alone forever.


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## rosettas stoned (Jan 16, 2011)

All it takes is to have your heart truly broken once to know that you can't depend on others for happiness. It will destroy you and bring you very close to the brink of madness. Years ago I was deeply attached to my very first girlfriend. She didn't share those feelings quite as intensely as I did, and when she broke up with me, my world fell apart. After that, I became significantly more depressed than I already was. It took two full years to completely get over it. I didn't even continue to have feelings for her after the first few months, it was just the whole feeling of pure happiness being completely taken away.

Now I am much more cautious not to let myself get that vulnerable. That's probably a bad thing for my future relationships, but I can't let myself get that hurt again. It was an incredibly dark period of my life, marked with an almost successful suicide attempt. I tried to overdose on medication at a camping trip with a big group of friends. I didn't take enough for a fatal dose, but I remember being so messed up from the drugs and thinking, "Holy crap, I'm going to die any minute now". I felt like I was on the brink of death. It felt so close.

So yeah, don't depend on others to make you happy.


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## Xande (Jul 18, 2011)

It gets lonely not having had a significant other ever in your life.


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## TenYears (Jan 15, 2010)

In the last 90 minutes:

I've talked to my estranged wife on the phone (we're not living together anymore), exchanged really, really ugly texts back & forth, about divorce, visitation rights, restraining orders, lawyers, her cheating. Oh, & we talked about my new g/f that she can't stand. Talked to my new g/f also. Looked up my new g/f's ex-husband and his new g/f on facebook. I have a sinking feeling that my estranged wife is turning my oldest daughter against me, and maybe all 3 of my kids.

God, my life is one big ******* mess right now. I'm convinced, people are just not meant to be monogamous. All people do is hurt each other. I don't know a single relative, friend, co-worker, acquaintance that isn't divorced, or together with someone, but completely miserable.


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## Desi (Nov 18, 2003)

rosettas stoned said:


> All it takes is to have your heart truly broken once to know that you can't depend on others for happiness. It will destroy you and bring you very close to the brink of madness.
> So yeah, don't depend on others to make you happy.


I agree with this. Its important to learn how to make your self happy by your self.


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## Zima (Jul 6, 2011)

rosettas stoned said:


> All it takes is to have your heart truly broken once to know that you can't depend on others for happiness.


I broke up with the girl I thought I'd marry one day...that sucked. That was 7 months ago, I'm nowhere near back to my previous levels of happiness/confidence/etc. Oh, and life feels empty and meaningless, to an extent. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't my first girlfriend and far from the first girl I had sex with...but she meant the world.

But I'll be damned if I spend my life single. Loving somebody and being loved like that was the greatest thing I've ever experienced...I hope to have a happy, healthy marriage one day. In fact, I want that more than anything else.

To the OP - the time and resources invested into a relationship are not great - it's time and money you'd otherwise waste on yourself, but instead you do the same stuff but with someone else! From a financial perspective, a relationship marriage is VERY economic considering you share so many things. Like your house, for one. And you can't put a price on the strength, confidence, joy, and inspiration you can draw from a good relationship.

And being single has nothing to do with being a loser. Many losers are single, and many are in relationships with other losers. The amount of sex you have shouldn't matter either. However, how attractive people of the opposite sex find you as an individual DOES matter - it means you're a human being worthy of passing on your genes, which is our biggest natural drive. So, what matters isn't you having sex or a relationship, but people wanting to have sex with you. Many people in our society don't turn down the opportunity, and even go out of their way for empty, meaningless sex...that's their choice, you don't have to agree with them - I generally don't. But being a person who nobody would want to be with...that would not be a good thing. If you take care of yourself, are successful, etc etc - nobody cares if you're single. Though they might sometimes wonder why


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## MobiusX (Nov 14, 2008)

it's not important


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## blue the puppy (Jul 23, 2011)

i guess the importance of relationships/sex (which can be two completely separate things) differs from person to person. 

i have had a significant other for a long time, but i still have SA. i still have depression. i still have panic attacks. i still dont have any female friends. those problems didnt magically go away.

i dont think you can base your happiness or well being on whether or not you have a bf/gf in your life. it is not going to solve your problems, and in fact relationships are a lot of work -- if you have problems like anxiety or low-self esteem its likely to make them a lot harder.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

It shouldn't be your life, just enhance your life.


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## jimbo1 (Dec 26, 2010)

relationships are hard work. i dont really need it to make myself happy.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

rosettas stoned said:


> All it takes is to have your heart truly broken once to know that you can't depend on others for happiness. It will destroy you and bring you very close to the brink of madness.
> So yeah, don't depend on others to make you happy.


I agree with you, but think it depends upon the person too. Person A might feel exactally the way you do, while Person B might still have hope no matter how many times they get beat. I fit into the Person A category.

It is nice to have a partner...but I dont see it as a "must have" in order to live a healthy life. Counting on someone(a partner) to provide you with happiness is setting yourself up for failure, IMO. Hoping someone will add to your happiness is a better mindset, and if things dont work out...then you havent lost your feeling of satisfaction with life.


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## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I like girls alot, I get the feeling that they don't like me though. I lay in bed at night looking up at the ceiling. An I think about how nice it would be, if there was that special someone laying next to me. Waking up alone sucks, atleast for me it does. I remember when I was younger I was over a friends house. An his sister who liked me and I liked her. Anyway, we were sitting on the couch watching tv.

An we some how ended up cuddling up and being very close. An while we were cuddling, all I could think about was how nice and sweet it was and that I never wanted that feeling to end. I wish I could meet that special someone and share my love and feelings with and my life with. To wake up next to someone that loves me and wants to share new expericences with them. I think it would be so nice and awesome to have a girlfriend an to get married some day.


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