# Dating strategies for guy with SA and online dating



## 8000 RPM (Jun 22, 2009)

How have your experiences been meeting people for blind dates and having social anxiety? 

I went on two dates and got basically the same outcome from both girls. I was told that I seemed “nice” and “cute” but one told me that I was “too introverted” and the other told me that she needs “A man with self-confidence which you don’t seem to have”. This was all after spending $50+ on dinner. After paying $60 for a dating service, I ended up just deleting my profile after these experiences. It just gets so frustrating to keep building up your expectations and getting excited before the date, only to get chopped down.

On one hand, a girl can obviously pick a guy based on whatever criteria she wants. But on the other hand you can’t help feeling unfairly discriminated against based on something you can’t help.

I’m in good shape, been told that I look good, have a good job, and try my best to treat people nicely. I always felt like it was my SA holding me back, and now it’s not a mystery anymore after being explicitly criticized for it.

What dating strategies would you all recommend for someone with SA to be successful?


----------



## Lithium4 (Nov 23, 2007)

Hey man, as shytty as those reactiins were, at least you were able to set up a profile, meet some girls and go out with a couple of them. I'm envious.

If I had a recommendation for you, it would be to keep doing what you're doing, cause honestly you seem like you're one lucky encounter away from meeting the right person.


----------



## ecotec83 (Sep 7, 2009)

I know how depressing that can be. i can't get past the first contact part let alone get a date. 
My friend gave me some wonderful advice yesterday when i mentioned how I got rejected so much on dating sites and how I take rejection a little to personally. My mind set was "why would a cute guy like that be interested in me" Her words to me were "Your a wonderful, attractive guy who has a lot to offer and any guy would be lucky to have you, if they don't want to give you a chance that is their loss"

Perhaps a similar approach would work in this case as well. Instead of getting depressed and thinking "She hardly got to know me but didn't like me because i'm not confident or extraverted" instead think "I'm a great guy who could have offered her a lot, it is her loss that she wont give me a chance to open up more and show her all I have to offer"


----------



## christ~in~me (Dec 18, 2008)

Why not try going on a free internet dating site?


----------



## CarlitoBrigante (Oct 29, 2006)

Hey, at least the girls were honest up front and you're meeting people. I'd view that as a big plus. Yeah, you're out a few bucks and such, but you're gaining experience, which is worth a lot more than whatever dinner cost!


----------



## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

Perhaps _next time_ you could explain that you're likely to be a bit introverted to begin with and that it will take at least a couple of dates before you can relax enough to show your more outgoing side. Or perhaps save the dinner date for another time and do something more active on the first date - I'd imagine that a quiet restaurant would be quite oppressive for someone with SA.

Well done on getting so far though!


----------



## pokeherpro (Jun 17, 2009)

One of the hardest things to do for people like us is to take rejection well. It's hard for everyone, really, but especially hard when you have a lot of self-doubt.
You're focusing on not landing a long-term relationship with the girls you dated, while kinda ignoring the fact that you even went on these dates. As long as you keep putting yourself out there, you'll succeed eventually.

This is easier said than done but next date, focus on trying to figure out whether or not you like this girl or not, instead of trying to figure out if she likes you. I find a lot of us focus on trying to get the other person to like us, but if you can flip that and focus on whether or not you even like this girl...if you had done this your first two dates, you may have learned that these girls weren't even really girls you would have been good with.
Focus less on her feelings towards you, and more on your feelings towards her. Once you find a girl _you_ like(which will take time and effort) then you can worry about if she likes you.


----------



## 8000 RPM (Jun 22, 2009)

Thanks guys,

I appreciate the advice, all good suggestions.

I especially can relate to this. I've always gone in with the attitude (Oh man, I hope she likes me) and start to get more nervous. If I can get myself to focus more on whether I like the date, I do think that it would take quite a bit of the pressure off.



pokeherpro said:


> One of the hardest things to do for people like us is to take rejection well. It's hard for everyone, really, but especially hard when you have a lot of self-doubt.
> You're focusing on not landing a long-term relationship with the girls you dated, while kinda ignoring the fact that you even went on these dates. As long as you keep putting yourself out there, you'll succeed eventually.
> 
> This is easier said than done but next date, focus on trying to figure out whether or not you like this girl or not, instead of trying to figure out if she likes you. I find a lot of us focus on trying to get the other person to like us, but if you can flip that and focus on whether or not you even like this girl...if you had done this your first two dates, you may have learned that these girls weren't even really girls you would have been good with.
> Focus less on her feelings towards you, and more on your feelings towards her. Once you find a girl _you_ like(which will take time and effort) then you can worry about if she likes you.


I wasn't even thinking about it while I was on the date, but now a lot of my last date makes sense. The girl who I was having dinner with was a visiting student from Russia and her visa was due to run out in a couple of years. She asked me "So when are you thinking about getting married and having a family". I told her that I wasn't sure yet, and haven't quite thought that far ahead. She later told me that she felt that that was immature of me, and that she needs a man who "knows what he wants in life". Now that I think about it, she might have been disappointed that I wasn't the big green card she was looking for. But whatever, It's just water under the bridge now.

Now I think I'll try to meet people through local clubs and volunteering for animals. It's a more natural way and will let you get to know a person slower (big advantage for us with S.A), and whether it works out or not I'll be doing something for a good cause.


----------



## kenny87 (Feb 22, 2009)

I don't think there is much hope for dating sites with many SA people, I have looked at them every now and them out of amusement to see if there is anyone I think I could remotely relate to,failing of course, some of us are in SA so deep one way or another that we are in a class of own own that only maybe 10 other people on earth could fit into.


----------



## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

Yikes, I can't imagine spending 50 bucks on dinner for a total stranger. I'm fairly young, though.

I've done clubs, dance classes, networking groups and Meetup, but it hasn't really done anything for me in this regard. Supposedly I live in an area with a surplus of young single professional women, but I think most of them just go out drinking with their friends and expect a guy to pick them up.


----------



## 8000 RPM (Jun 22, 2009)

mountain5 said:


> Yikes, I can't imagine spending 50 bucks on dinner for a total stranger. I'm fairly young, though.
> 
> I've done clubs, dance classes, networking groups and Meetup, but it hasn't really done anything for me in this regard. Supposedly I live in an area with a surplus of young single professional women, but I think most of them just go out drinking with their friends and expect a guy to pick them up.


LOL, yes, these blind dates can be quite expensive. The price I pay for the meals isn't what really bothers me, it's just the criticisms at the end. You'd think even if the girl wasn't into you, at least after dropping $50-80 at a fancy Italian restaurant they could be somewhat nice and at the very least not disrespectful. I guess not in today's world.

It got even stranger on the last date I had. After the girl I spoke about said what she said, I just shook my head and started walking back through the parking lot towards my car. She walked up to me and said "Wow, cool car! Can you take me for a ride?". So I took her for a 1 minute circle around the parking lot in my Vette and then I told her that I had an early day the next day and dropped her off by her car. It was just weird.

I haven't dated very much since I was in a long-term relationship I had started in grad school (which was great, until I found out she had been cheating on me for the last month of it). After these experiences, I'm beginning to think that I'm just going to always be by myself.


----------



## ivankaramazov (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm pretty sure "can you take me for a ride" is code for something else.


----------



## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Do you mean that the girl told you that you have no self-confidence right outside the restaurant? That's pretty disgusting. I guess in today's world women aren't expected to show any gratitude or class when a guy pays for a date. At least wait until a follow-up call to say such things. And any girl who would admire your car is not the kind of person you want to spend time with. I would suggest that you focus more on the quality of the women you go out with rather than just on the fact that it's a female.

Even though I've never been on a date, I feel that a dinner date for a first one is not a good idea, especially not for someone with social problems. It's almost like a job interview. Plus, with a lot of women, it's possible that if you spend a lot of money on dinner, they feel you will want sex in return and they go out of their way to send "f-off" signals to you to make sure that doesn't happen, creating an antagonistic relationship between the two of you. Instead, maybe just go for a walk in the daytime or do something active like throwing Frisbee -- anything that doesn't require a whole lot of talk and uncomfortable silences.

Since you have social problems, why not try finding a good girl with similar problems?


----------



## 8000 RPM (Jun 22, 2009)

ivankaramazov said:


> I'm pretty sure "can you take me for a ride" is code for something else.


It could be, you literally made me LOL.



IcedOver said:


> Do you mean that the girl told you that you have no self-confidence right outside the restaurant? That's pretty disgusting. I guess in today's world women aren't expected to show any gratitude or class when a guy pays for a date. At least wait until a follow-up call to say such things. And any girl who would admire your car is not the kind of person you want to spend time with. I would suggest that you focus more on the quality of the women you go out with rather than just on the fact that it's a female.
> 
> Even though I've never been on a date, I feel that a dinner date for a first one is not a good idea, especially not for someone with social problems. It's almost like a job interview. Plus, with a lot of women, it's possible that if you spend a lot of money on dinner, they feel you will want sex in return and they go out of their way to send "f-off" signals to you to make sure that doesn't happen, creating an antagonistic relationship between the two of you. Instead, maybe just go for a walk in the daytime or do something active like throwing Frisbee -- anything that doesn't require a whole lot of talk and uncomfortable silences.
> 
> Since you have social problems, why not try finding a good girl with similar problems?


That's a pretty good analysis. That's exactly how I felt during the dinner date, just like a job interview - and I hate job interviews. Who knows, maybe she did think I had some hidden motivation, but she was still pretty rude. She didn't even wait until a follow up email to start saying what she did. All that I said at the end of the date was "I had a nice time, maybe we can hang out again sometime" and then she went off with her rant.


----------



## jeepy97_21 (Nov 2, 2005)

I just recently met a girl on a dating site, and it is going great so far. Only been on three dates with her, but it is going great. Here is my advice:

1) Don't mess with the pay sites, save your money. 

2)Learn to like and accept that you're a shy introverted person. There's nothing wrong with it at all. The day I realized that things changed in my life.

3)Be 100% honest on your profile about being shy/introverted, but do it in a positive way. Let everyone know that you are shy, but don't let them know that it bothers you. There's girls on the dating sites that are shy and anxious too that might find you interesting, but might not include that they are shy in their profile.

4)If you're not getting any responses at a certain dating site, try a different one. Also trying new profile pictures can help as well. I used to hardly never get messages on dating sites, and finally found one where I was getting them almost every day.

5)Send messages to people. This increases your chances as opposed to waiting on someone to contact you.

6)Don't take rejection to heart. Some people just aren't compatible. I talked to a lot of different girls from dating sites, and only actually went out and met the girl that I am seeing now. The others, either I found I wasn't attracted to them, or they wasn't attracted to me. It took me a couple years to finally find one I was interested in, and who was interested in me.

7)Be patient. The beauty of online dating sites is you can take your time and find someone who is right for you.


----------



## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

Jeepy--Can you let us know how you phrased your online dating profile in terms of revealing that you're shy and introverted? I agree with you that the best tactic for people like us is to be honest that we have some problems but not appear down on ourselves. The other person is going to find out anyway, right?


----------



## tlgibson97 (Sep 24, 2009)

Girls like it when you grab their butt and tell them they're hot. They won't ever admit it but you should see their reaction when you do it.


----------



## markx (Dec 22, 2007)

When they're busy not admitting it, do they ever slap your face and call the police? :um


----------



## jer (Jun 16, 2009)

markx said:


> When they're busy not admitting it, do they ever slap your face and call the police? :um


----------



## jeepy97_21 (Nov 2, 2005)

Hi, sorry it took so long to reply. In my profile, I just simply stated that "I am a little shy, but I like to have fun". However I've seen other people use "I am shy, but warm up eventually". I think I also had something along the lines of "I enjoy time alone reading or watching tv, but I do enjoy to go out on occasion. Hope this helps. For me, I only sent messages to girls who also described themselves as shy, but what is attractive and right for me isn't right for everyone. However I've always been a firm believer of "opposites attract and then they attack".


----------



## JFmtl (Dec 23, 2008)

get online
???????something???????
relationship


----------



## Peter Attis (Aug 31, 2009)

JFmtl said:


> get online
> ???????something???????
> relationship


1. Get online
2. Start a relationship
3. ???
4. Profit!


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Peter Attis said:


> 1. Get online
> 2. Start a relationship
> 3. ???
> 4. Profit!


First ju get de money, den ju get de power, den you get de womeeen.


----------



## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

I went online and decided to make a profile. I contacted this hot girl, and she actually responded back. But something in the way she responded last time, she was "oh you seem like a total catch, I was hoping it wasn't my friend trying to trick me with a fake profile, she says only losers contact me."

It make me go uhhhhhh yeah dude she's wrong, she gave me her number, but I fear to contact her. She seems all social and me not.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Go for it. Ask her questions and convince her you're a good listener if you can't think of anything to say. After all, many of us with SA are really good at letting other people talk, and that's more than many other people can say.


----------



## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

That's actually how I got her interest, that I responded to her for more than her looks and she liked that. But I'm so afraid I'll disappoint her because I'm not a total catch and I feel like I'm a loser. There's just so much wrong with me.


----------



## bugmenot (Jan 21, 2009)

Peter Attis said:


> 1. Get online
> 2. Start a relationship
> 3. ???
> 4. Profit!


1. Get online
2. Pay for dinner than get told you basically suck
3. ???
4. no profit
5. FAIL


----------



## bugmenot (Jan 21, 2009)

STKinTHEmud said:


> First ju get de money, den ju get de power, den you get de womeeen.


"I don't chase no broads, I chase money and vodka."

also related:


----------



## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

STKinTHEmud said:


> Go for it. Ask her questions and convince her you're a good listener if you can't think of anything to say. After all, many of us with SA are really good at letting other people talk, and that's more than many other people can say.


I got to say thanks. I went through with it yesterday and I got a date with her in about an hour. God I'm so damn nervous, she was talking about how she went out guys with sport cars, and talked about her previous modeling career, it explained a lot. I'm gonna roll up in a sable, she seemed fine with me, but damn, I feel I'm going way out of my league. It would be so much simpler if I was able to attract a girl at my level, not one WAYYYY above.


----------



## ivankaramazov (Aug 22, 2009)

Don't ask questions about her modeling career, because she's probably full of ****. If you catch her in the lie it will be really awkward.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> I got to say thanks. I went through with it yesterday and I got a date with her in about an hour. God I'm so damn nervous, she was talking about how she went out guys with sport cars, and talked about her previous modeling career, it explained a lot. I'm gonna roll up in a sable, she seemed fine with me, but damn, I feel I'm going way out of my league. It would be so much simpler if I was able to attract a girl at my level, not one WAYYYY above.


Really, every guy that she has dated has had problems. If they didn't, she might not be single now. Every guy that she will date will also have problems; nobody's perfect. Judging by her telling you about previous guys she's dated and her modeling career, she probably has a fair amount of problems herself. In fact, I would say that her problems may be more problematic than yours. So if she doesn't like your problems, then so be it, too bad for her, she just lost another guy.

My therapist told me about a nice trick: think about what you expect from this whole thing. Don't expect to be witty or fun or confident and don't expect her to be "the one" and don't even expect another date, just expect to have fun. So have fun, and let us know how it goes!


----------



## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

It went really well! Man she is tall, she listed 6'0 in her profile but she was like 6'2 or 6'3. I felt like a little shortie at 6'0! She is really sweet and a lot of fun to hang out with, I think she really likes me, she bluntly said she wanted a 2nd date after I kissed her. I pretty much did that, didn't have much expectations at first thinking she was too good for me, but I simply didn't think and just had fun. It was all in my head.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Sounds awesome! Great job, Bright!


----------



## lillyrose (Feb 6, 2011)

For those considering they are not "worthy"

Think of it this way "you are not perfect and so that means she is not perfect either" Don't set up too many expectations for yourself or for her either.. just go to have some fun. If you have some smiles and some laughs and good food, then you succeeded. Try to be real and honest but not extreme when she asks you questions. And tell her she looks amazing (if you feel she does) like a few times.. Alot of women are worried about the way they look on a first date and if you will ask them out again... if they are good enough for YOU. Kind of keep the mystery in that part but compliment her.. and don't expect anything in return except politeness. If she's rude or unappreciative or superficial.. you might even check her off your list to date again.. then you will realize you are not as screwed up as you think. 

There are people with SA and there are people without it. But there are jerks in every walk of life with or without SA. If she's a good person, she won't look at your SA problems, she will look at who you are inside your heart.. this is what matters to me anyway. Some women like kind of quirky shy men.. but not mean men or jerks.. (and vice versa as far as men I'm sure of it) there is a difference between just a jerk or just someone with some problems.


----------



## Zugzug (Jan 16, 2011)

bugmenot said:


> 1. Get online
> 2. Pay for dinner than get told you basically suck
> 3. ???
> 4. no profit
> 5. FAIL


Haha


----------



## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

$50 first date? Damn. Lol
Try coffee dates instead maybe.. cheaper, and easier to escape (Y)!


----------

