# Still feeling good



## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hello there

Just for all you relapse watchers out there, I though I would plonk up the occasional update about where I am and how I'm feeling. 

Recently I realised I need to change some habits. Making more effort to let people know I like them. Offering to do stuff. Getting involved. Sending little texts just to be friendly. Paying honest compliments. Being genuine. Staying with the moment and going with the flow. Not staying around negative people (OK yeah I still go ont he coping board but hey I like a challenge) and being assertive with the ones who yank my chain too hard.

Anxiety symptoms are next to zero and the external focus technique is still doing its job. I am feeling more attractive and I notice people are responding well to me. I'm starting to think abotu dating. People are opening up about their emotions to me and I am feeling genuinely close to people. I am overcoming my frequent sense of entitlement and sometmes, arrogance and learning humility, compassion and respect.

I feel like I am now fully present in the world rather than just interacting with it. I feel like I genuinely want to be around people. Negative comments lose their power more quickly. I can assess when "its someone else's problem" and not ME. I am feeling more caring towards and have started to forgive my parents as well as the people who bullied me. I am starting to feel a genuine sense of self love and I have a sense of what my purpose and place is in life.

I am still using CBT sheets daily and my behavioural experiments are more kind of 'free-form' - that is if I spot something worth trying I will do it there and then. I will need to keep appyling the mood diaries daily as new things come up that I need to process - otherwise they sit and rankle at the back of my mind. Even extreme events, once put through the mood diary mill - lose all their punch. 

I need to apply this to dating ... maybe there will be a post on this soon. I am feeling less dependent and needy towards other people. I can take or leave people I meet, I am happy with silences. I can recognise social cues and empathise with peoples behaviour and mood. Anger scares me less.

Overall feeling really quite dandy.

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Nice! Well done.


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## GreyFox08 (Dec 22, 2007)

Cool, keep at it :banana


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## jas498 (Feb 22, 2008)

Sounds like you're genuinely happy. Kudos!


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Have you had a date yet? What are you waiting for? :lol 

Keep it up. :banana


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hehe I am starting to think more positively about that sort of stuff, yes! I nearly asked a girl for a coffee the other day. She actually worked in a coffee shop (so I would have had to take her to a competitor) and seemed really fun. I couldn't quite pluck up the courage in a full shop that time, but when I thought it through after and imagines the very worst outcome, i decided I would be able to handle it. I need to sit down with an 'alternatives' sheet and then fill out a behavioural experiment program. The other bits of my getting comfortable with women program started with just being friendly to girls I met, and talking as friends to the ones I know as friends or through work. Now that I am more chilled out, I can relate to them on a more personal level, be more genuine and actually get on better. I;ve also been trying to 'remain present' when talking to really beautiful women and not use the safety behaviour of becoming formal or looking really serious. Baby steps, but this is the TOP of my anxiety ladder due to my basing my absolute worth on the sexual approval I get from women, and the sunsequent 'respect' I believe(d) it got me from other men.

Its kind of the final stitch in pulling apart the already very frayed approval addiction blanket!  I feel like a beginner again - this has always been the hardest thing for me. Its a bit :afr but I can see that any negative outcome will be tolerable, and any good one will be nice. I know I'm ok with dates now and so the only thing worrying me is an initial rejection. Hurray.

And Whee :banana

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

That's awesome that you are approaching it with a systematic plan though, Ross. I recommend imitating the dancing banana emoticon everywhere you go and going, "Wanna dance? No? Cool!" as you continue dancing off. 

:banana :banana :banana


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Aww i got a banana and a whee  My favourites!

Ymm huh well I am going to try to do that this weekend then. If I am in a good mood and the situation presents itself, i will try to ask someone nice out for a coffee.

On the bad side, the worst I predict is: She will go "I beg your pardon?" and look worried or disgusted. She might walk away and people will look at me in disgust. She might tell the people she knows or works with and they will look at me and remember me, and then i will not be able to go back. I will see them out in town and they will sneer at me. I might get thrown out of wherever I am. She might call me really bad names or throw drink on me. She might laugh at me. She might say "I have a boyfriend" and I will think she is lying and feel inferior. I will come across like a kid or a scary guy.

Things to look for: Expression of disgust, her pointing at me and talking about me, being thrown out (lol), her being angry.

Alternatives: I don;t know her and she doesnt know me. Its nice to be accepted romantically, but it is neither necessary or sufficient for happiness to have it. Simple rejection is a hassle but its not a case for jumping off a cliff and its impossible for everyone to hate me. I have had girlfriends in the past so I cannot be repulsive. Other men and women cannot judge me. It is relative only to their own value system which may be irrational as well, and when I go up to meet God I will not be judged on how handsome I was but on the good I did in this world. My happiness comes from loving myself which I am doing by learning to care for myself. I am learning a new value system based on my own morals, values and progress in both happiness and skills.

if someone shouts at me, I can say "what, you never asked a girl to coffee before?" - after all, thats all it was.

If she says no, at worst I can say "OK, well nice chatting to you" and smile.

I do not have to try to be funny or put her on a pedestal. I am doing something that humans do every day, and if I am to fall in love with someone it must be because I accept them for who they are and they for who I am. They will become more beautiful to me the more I love them, so why must I date a model? A model may be a pain in the azz and then she will seem ugly. I treat people with respect and I realise that other peoples approval is not what makes me happy, so I can calmly ask. It is a gamble and in the past I have got hurt, but I was younger then and it seemed far bigger. Its time to put this fear into persepctive and realise that wanting romance is not shameful, evil, perverted or filthy. It is a normal part of life.

If she does react badly, then that is HER problem. She may have a fear of men, or she may have decided I am dangerous or sleazy. I know this isn;t true, so I can only hurt if I believe it too. I woud imagine that a negative reaction will more likley be "no thankyou" or "I have a boyfriend" and she will smile politely and leave. I tried and i can be proud. Round one over.

A small, understated 'whee'.

Ross


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Good job, YeahYeahYeah!
I can tell things are going well - a GREAT sign! 
Keep it up, man.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Thanks Millennium! I think I need to CBT-atize some more of those thoughts up there - theres some good juicy ones to explore! Lots of distorted thoughts, assumptions and rules I think - oh yes indeed.

My mum loves me. My Dad loves me. My sister loves me. I have good friends and one of them hugged me on Friday and compared me to his best mate - and I have always been 'myself' with him. People invite me places. I have friends at my church and they like me too. I feel good when I cook and clean and explore places and I keep finding new things that make me feel happy - so getting a hit from approval is no longer the 'only way' to feel good 

Thanks for being my rational sounding board!

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Reading the mind of Ross. Muy interesante.


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## CoconutHolder (Oct 13, 2007)

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Whenever people go "Wheeeeeeeeeee" I think of this video:


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

PRESSURE TEST!!

Hello folkey folks

Today I had a snap pressure test of my 'beautiful women' reflex.

On Saturday I went to a party with some guys in my grad scheme. There are many nationalities where I work and there was a little collection of Dutch people in amongst the mostly English and Scots. I looked over and thought "I will be brave and go over and say hello", so I did. There is a girl there that I know vaguely but had never spoken to. Now, this young lady, on a scale from "hmm" to "wow" comes out as a "OMG I can hear my knees vibrating". Super pretty. She has a boyfriend and he was there, but anyhoo this was pressure test 1 - talking to a new group as an outsider, and one of the group being super beautful. Nightmare for me in the past. Anyhoo, it seems these particular Dutch people were quite quiet and I found it a little tough talking to them. Maybe a language barrier or whatever ... so after a while I got everyone some drinks and then said I was going to have a wander about and chat to people. 

Later in the night, I noticed that no-one was speaking to them at all  I felt kind of bad for them, maybe their quietness came off as 'cliquey-ness' to others, as it did to me (but I had the power of testing my assumptions to get me through :lol ) ... But anyways I sort of tried to include them but to no avail.

Anyway, I was going home tonight, and at the bus stop I heard a little voice say "hello Ross". Underneath a pile of hair (its really windy here at the moment) was this same girl. My knees did a brief wobble and then I thought "oh I See, I'm being tested by the god of SA! OK - lets see how I do". Now obviously I knew she had a boyfriend, but even the presence of a girl I am hopelessly attracted to is enough to turn me into a babbling mess. This one especially - she had that habit (again maybe because of the language gap) of pausing quite long before speaking. She may have been processing the English, but it nudged my 'you're speaking rubbish' gland a little.

So instead I tried to apply what I'm always preaching! I realised I was closing up a little, so I brought myself back present. I turned to face her more and become aware of her emotions and feelings as she was talking. Where the conversation had been a little bit 'difficult' before, suddenly I felt a little bit more connected. She was talking about skiing and suddenly her face lit up (which I would have missed if I'd been looking forwards down the bus). I asked her about why she got excited, and she said "because it was the best day I've had since I came to Scotland". She has been here since August - thats 6 months and I could tell be her voice that it was one of the few times she had had fun here. Suddenly I felt sympathetic - I felt connected. 

OK when I looked at her it still felt like someone was shining a floolamp in my eyes, but it suddenly felt a bit more natural. My prediction that she wouldnt want to talk, that she wanted to get away, was disproved when I allowed myself to be quiet. She struck up conversation right away, and I tried to listen for the little tidbits of emotion that I might relate to. My other prediction is that people would hate me because I was 'chatting up' an attractive girl. In fact, my bag fell over and my sunglasses fell out, and a lady handed them to me with a big smile on her face. I chatted to her briefly and then went back to the girl. I checked facial expression - no one cared. It was easier knowing she had a boyfriend I guess, but it was still a good simulation of "Ross talks to gorgeous female" and there was no meltdown  I am throwing a party and will invite her and her quiet dutch friends. It is going to be 'food' themed and I am going to make them come as Dutch cheeses. Aww.

Anxiety rating was about a 4/10. Enough to make me 'phase out' at first and speed talk slightly, but not so much that I got tunnel vision, babbled without end, hyperventilated or couldnt maintain silence. She seemed nice but shy. If I ended up with a girl like that I would be hopeless because every time she smiled I would just be like "yes, whatever it is you want, take it". What a set of mince pies! (eyes, for you Americanositas and hombres out there). So I am now only 5/10 hopelessly useless in the face of full-frontal hormone attack  Whee

Overall I guess I felt NERVOUS but not incapacitatingly so. I think it was a much more normal level than in the past - and it also showed me that I can talk to a very beautiful woman normally.

Hehe

Ross


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Great tale, Ross, and well done! I strangely don't do so bad with the most pretty girls in regards to how nervous I am. I might be more nervous than usual, but it isn't a largely noticeable difference to be honest. It's not uncommon for me to be more nervous to interact with guys than girls. Perhaps it's my belief that girls will generally not be as hostile or threatening toward me. I don't know.

In any case, it sounds like you had a great time.

If any Americans come to your party, I suppose they'd have to be American Cheese (yuck!).


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

I do have an American buddy actually - he's from Oklahoma. And he's HUGE.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Hmm... Maybe he can be a cow. Beef?


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