# The reality of being __ yrs old w/o relationship experience



## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

I'm 28 years old. Next next I'll be older. Seven years from now I'll be that plus six.

No, 28 is not "old," but 28 years is at least seven years too late to begin to date. Seven^third. Seven^fouth. Hello seven^fifth.

If you're 17-20 years old, you can still be a late bloomer in relationship world. 21 is stretching it. 22 years and there's nothing you can do.

So I may be 28 years young, but tell that to the unexpectant woman whom I manage to string along for a day or two. "Oh, you're my first.." so-and-so. "First what?" "First everything, baby. Do you love me?" Attractive, not creepy at all.

So young-28-year-old-woman-in-my-group-therapy: Yes, we're the same age, but you've been in one six-year long-term relationship and have had prior relationship experience. Me? I once spoke to a girl. She was impressed. I am ****ing old.

Countdown-to-deletion.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I'm a few years younger than you are, but I know how you feel. Every year seems to get worse; I wish I could excrete some type of chemical that would make someone date me. I wish I could just pull a magical attraction serum from my birth canal and splash it on people, and make them mine. Actually, that would be pretty gross, no wonder no one likes me..... Splashin' them with canal serum. On the bright side, I did speak to a man today. No, wait, that was yesterday, and it was only because he _had_ to speak to me. He told me to move.... Oh, Casanova, I can read between the lines.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I am still insecure about my lack of experience. I have never had a real relationship. I've never shared a bed with someone on a regular basis. The sexual experience that I have had is mainly awkward and even regrettable. It doesn't mean that much to me. I feel like a virgin still. ..All I want to do is pleasure a woman. I try not to let other people's lives get to me, but they still do sometimes. I would get jealous of their relationship drama. I wished I was that important to someone, to actually get in a fight with them. I think that was the worst part when I was letting it get to me the most. I felt like I missed out on the whole point of life.. what people drudge through work and everyday social conventions for, the prize at the end. I have had opportunities here and there, and probably do now more than ever, and I mess them all up.. every single one.


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## RUFB2327 (Sep 28, 2008)

im 21 and have no dating life...ive had one girlfriend before that lasted for 2 years back in high school, but if she did not initiate everything, i would have never had one...fortunately, i at least had that one experience

im in college now and always said i didnt want a gf during these years, but lately ive wanted some sort of relationship, even just dating, but it doesnt seem like that is going to happen

ive been going out a lot more this school year and socializing more since ive turned 21 and can go to bars, and i figured that with the amount ive been going out i would meet someone, even if it was just by pure luck and they started talking to me, but nothing(and i dont think it is my looks, people tell me im good looking, so it has to be something else and im not sure what it could be...maybe i give off a "dont approach me" vibe)...when i go out, i try to go out just for a good time, but lets be honest, if girls didnt go out also, i could sit in a house with my friends and just drink there, so whenever i go out i always end up hoping i meet someone


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## Ohms (Sep 26, 2008)

She could have had 1000 boyfriends and a million years of relationship experience, but guess what? the relationship was not with you, it was with some other dudes. You are unique. The truth is, shes at the same level of experience with relationships involving the TWO of you, and that means that she has no special advantage over you.

If you're worried about lack of physical intimacy skills, dont be. Youll get really good in no time. Being intimate came natural for me, once you take the plunge it gets really easy because you become comfortable with the person. Everything will come easy.

Lastly, dont tell her youve never had a gf before. Theres no way for her to know if you have had one or not and theres no reason for you to tell!

my 2 cents


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## brealair (Aug 31, 2008)

Ohms said:


> 1.She could have had 1000 boyfriends and a million years of relationship experience, but guess what? the relationship was not with you, it was with some other dudes. You are unique. The truth is, shes at the same level of experience with relationships involving the TWO of you, and that means that she has no special advantage over you.
> 
> 2. If you're worried about lack of physical intimacy skills, dont be. Youll get really good in no time. Being intimate came natural for me, once you take the plunge it gets really easy because you become comfortable with the person. Everything will come easy.
> 
> ...


1. That's the best way I ever heard of looking at the lack of relationship experience/skills problem:clap:clap:clap

2. 2x

3. Don't tell her at 1st. Lack of relationship experience/skills is going to be obvious sooner or later. The is when to tell her. If she runs or starts treating you different(espically badly) you just saved yourself time/energy and revealed what kind of person she really is.


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

I am 21 and had NONE experience in dating. I have a very severe SA when I was in high school and there's a lot of very shallow thinking in my surroundings so it's hard to get attached. 

What's more the men I met are not what I call my type. It's difficult for me to go around. I wonder what is the feeling of being asked out and everything actually.


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## matt404 (Feb 8, 2006)

While 28 may be older than most people get into their first relationship, it's certainly not seven years too late! You seem to be stuck thinking about dating the same way I used to. "All relationships are essentially the same. They all progress in a nearly identical way with well-defined milestones set at specific places in time. At each date the girl will be expecting me to do very specific things and act in specific ways in accordance with 'normal relationship progression.' When I don't do them correctly due to my lack of experience, she'll pick up that something isn't right and leave." But relationships don't work that way! They're all different. Some people jump into bed with each other on the first date, others are friends for years before they become something more. There really is no magic set of specific things you must do in order to create a relationship. Just don't be afraid to fail (I know, easier said than done). Maybe the first few times you try dating it won't work out, but so what? That happens to everyone. SA and non-SA alike. You just found some people who weren't right for you. There are others out there who are.

I didn't have my first date until I was almost 25. I finally realized that I really was going to be miserable and alone forever if I didn't do something about it, and no one was going to help me but me. Those first few dates didn't work out, but it didn't matter. They gave me the courage to continue doing things which scared me, and it led me to meeting a really great girl who I would have been too afraid to meet just a year ago. She knows I have little to no dating experience, but she doesn't care. There are wonderful girls like that out there for you. You just have to look for them.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm 2 years younger than you, but I feel the same way.


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## RubyTuesday (Aug 3, 2007)

Maybe cos I'm a girl, but I don't care so much about being a virgin to relationships as far as what others think of me.

In actual fact, I wouldn't bother dating a guy who would look down on my for being as socially out of it as I have been. And I can't be bothered having to pretend to one now ...with all the anxiety that that ensues, having to, for instance, make sure I don't have an anxiety attack. ...**** it! I can't be bothered anymore. And it isn't even so much about "not being good enough" but more like: "**** it! WHO cares if they think I'm 'not good enough'! ...maybe, likewise, THEY aren't my type or in my own way -good enough for me!" 

...I mean: what a load of crap!! ...all of this inadequacy vs adequacy ...and all of the judgements that people use in their head. -You know, their 'check lists' etc... I can't be bothered with them. Life is too short. Waaaaaaayyyy too short. I just want someone with whom I have chemistry with and with whom I can just be my self ...without all the pretence of having to live up to whatever bull**** (and always, somehow) superficial standards they have.

I'm not looking to measure up to a check list. I'm looking for someone I relate with. That's all. Nothing to do with being good or not good enough. ...so, if people dismiss me ...then, whatever. I actually could not care less anymore. Believe it or not. Because I don't fancy wasting my time.

I have decided I want someone who can relate properly enough to my difficulties and certainly at the very least (!!!) can appreciate, understand and like my sensitive kind of personality.

...the only problem I figure for me -now that my anxiety is finally tamed enough (!!!!!!!!!! and then some -!!!!!!!!- all thanks to anti depressants, you see!) is just meeting and finding people like this!

It isn't easy ... it's never easy, I suspect, the older one gets to meet people, period. Everyone complains about this. 

But for me, I'd just like to meet someone on my level and who understands where I'm coming from.

...funny thing is that I have encountered people like this every now and again. Of course, when I have been healthier (namely in my teens) I encountered more. Most of my friends had a sensitive personality type, with some experience of anxiety or depression. 

Last year, on a trip to Italy, I met a guy who, though several years my junior, really seemed to "Get Me" emotionally. He could relate to my self conscious streak, and had it to a lesser extent himself.

...basically, I want someone who is similar to me and yet, with whom, there is the chemistry that comes from complementing each other. That is, there also needs to be some kind of difference, however that is. ...But they definetly, without a doubt, need to be similar to me. 

Because, old(er) though I am ...one thing that I have figured out is that, either way, I can't be bothered wasting my time with people that just don't understand where I am coming from.

...So, my only problem really now is finding people who are like me enough. In fact, I reckon that it's this aspect of Social Anxiety that is the biggest killer -not the fact that you have some flaw or difficulty or peculiarity, but rather that your kind of peculiarity minimises the degree to which you can find others with the same kind of peculiarity.

Because, one way or another, all people look for people who are similar to them. Just a question of being able to find them.


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## Violette (Aug 21, 2005)

Hey Be Nice, l have had no opportunities as l don't meet guys anywhere. I'm do things that attract women or older people, and l don't talk to anyone so l have no idea how to even make friends. I feel l could easily become an agorophobic one day. At least you've had experiences and exposure, that's good.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I threw in the towel about 2 years ago. It's never going to happen. I'm beyond a lost cause..undatable. I still look at girls all the time and wish I could date them or whatever, but I know better than to waste too much brain power thinking I have a chance because I know I don't.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

It'll never happen for me as well, but I don't necessarily see it as a negative thing anymore. In the end I favor my reclusive lowlife existence and dead personality too highly to invest any time into the ladyfolk, the majority of whom just hate my rotten guts anyway. I've long ago accepted my fate of locking myself in a dark room, eternally abusing myself to Beatrice Dalle movies.


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## LittleRenee (Nov 4, 2008)

VCL XI said:


> It'll never happen for me as well, but I don't necessarily see it as a negative thing anymore. In the end I favor my reclusive lowlife existence and dead personality too highly to invest any time into the ladyfolk, the majority of whom just hate my rotten guts anyway. I've long ago accepted my fate of locking myself in a dark room, eternally abusing myself to Beatrice Dalle movies.


I notice your quote under your name.....Guess you watch celebrity rehab huh?
Good show.


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## TheFriendlyVirgin (Oct 25, 2008)

I understand how you feel, I'm a 28 years old, female. MOST people have expectations of your level of experience by this age. It's not that they are putting undo pressure on you, it's just that, well, a majority of the population has had various experiences by this age (maybe not necessarily sex, but at least dating). I had this idea in my head when I was 18, 19 'oh you will find someone, it's not an issue you're just a late bloomer.' Then I woke up and was 28 and in no different situation than I was when I was 18. So now what? The majority of my former friends are married and/or have kids, in a long term relationship, a few of them are divorced already, etc. I don't like to say that it is "too late" to start dating but the reality is it's late as hell, LOL.


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## bk (May 2, 2004)

Marooned said:


> "I've never been in a relationship. Marry me."


I wonder if this would actually work. It could save me a lot of effort.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Part of me thinks that we are really the ones that girls go after......(I'm a boy, by the way :lol). The smart, sensitive, aloof, yet intelligent type. Women secretly would go for that because the muscle bound types don't last as long.


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## VCL XI (Jan 19, 2004)

LittleRenee said:


> I notice your quote under your name.....Guess you watch celebrity rehab huh?
> Good show.


Yep! The only way I could be more entertained weekly is if _I'm With Busey_ got a DVD release.



millenniumman75 said:


> Part of me thinks that we are really the ones that girls go after......The smart, sensitive, aloof, yet intelligent type.


Ah, if only "caustically bitter", "perpetually sweaty", and "with the self-esteem of used toilet paper" were part of that description, I'd feel _slightly_ better.


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## NightinGale (Oct 27, 2005)

Ohms said:


> Lastly, dont tell her youve never had a gf before. Theres no way for her to know if you have had one or not and theres no reason for you to tell!
> 
> my 2 cents


True!!!!! My current bf is COMPLETELY inexperienced and has NEVER had a girlfriend or ANY experience with girls before. I only know this because this is what the people we've worked with have told me.

BUT I still find myself forgetting this. I see his shyness as a part of his personality NOT as a result of his inexperience.


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## cassandra1 (Oct 31, 2008)

I think being in experience is not a bad thing. I think those people chooses to have no relationship for so long because they are happy. But there would be a time that they want to have a relationship.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

cassandra said:


> I think being in experience is not a bad thing. I think those people chooses to have no relationship for so long because they are happy. But there would be a time that they want to have a relationship.


Some people do choose to stay away from relationships. There are also those of us who can't get into a position to have a choice.


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## michellejl (Aug 20, 2006)

Are you kidding...I would date a 28 year old without relationship experience if he was what I'm looking for in all areas, that is. I'm 29 and have been in 2 serious relationships one ending in divorce. I have never been in love and have made poor choices for a partner in the past. Just because I have experience doesn't mean it's good experience!! I am pretty sure I'd hold you in higher regard than either of them, experienced or not. When you enter into a relationship with someone it's all new for both of you anyway, whatever happened before doesn't really matter anymore because the focus is her and you. And like someone else said, you don't need to tell her. If she asks a question directly about your past experience you can just say I haven't dated much, waiting for the right girl to come along.


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## am266 (Nov 6, 2008)

Like a lot of people here, I haven't had any relationship experience but even at 29 I haven't given up. My combination of low self esteem and SA meant that I shunned social contact for the longest time, but I'm at the stage now where I know that if I find the right girl, there's no need for me to be embarrassed about my lack of experience.


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## lyssado707 (Oct 29, 2004)

It's not weird. Not when u have an understandable reason for it, like SA. I'd say tell whoever potential bf/gf the truth when they ask, and if they are gonna judge, foget em.


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## XxArmyofOnexX (Aug 13, 2007)

VCL XI said:


> Ah, if only "caustically bitter", "perpetually sweaty", and "with the self-esteem of used toilet paper" were part of that description, I'd feel _slightly_ better.


 :lol :ditto

I'm still at square zero.


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## Micronian (Nov 11, 2004)

I'm 29 (nearly 29 anyway) years old, and I've never been in a relationship. I noticed though, that many of my friends who have girlfriends, or have sex with lots of girls, work very hard for it. They go out all the time, and usually meet friends of friends of friends. For every 1 girl they have gone out to date, they've sorted through 10 or 15. They are always putting themselves out there! Their cellphones have pages and pages of contacts.

I am most definitely not like that. 

...And it's not like my friends actually "work" to get women, they just like the whole socializing bit, and going out every weekend to meet that friend of a friend. For me, it's waay too much. I can't do it. But every once in a while, it isn't so bad to go along with that friend who's going to some club or party that night. In my opinion, it's those "friends of a friend" that you end up going out with because the odds are much better than picking up at a bar. Many times, my more social friends need someone to come along with them because some girls don't want to meet 1-on-1. So I sometimes go and that's how I've managed to have many girl's numbers on my cell phone. I may not have a girlfriend now, but it doesn't mean that I cant meet girls at all. Heck, I actually have a "date" with a coworker's friend next monday.

so that might work


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## am266 (Nov 6, 2008)

I've also noticed that the friends that I consider the most "successful" are always the most socially active.

I'm stating the obvious, but I think that because the majority of SA sufferers are quite introverted and solitary by nature then we have to make more of an effort when it comes to finding a partner and personally, that's one boundary I have yet to break. Even something as simple and impersonal as internet dating still scares me!


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## teniralc21 (Oct 24, 2008)

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship. And while I certainly haven't given up hope completely, I sometimes worry that it's just too late for me at this point.


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## homer (Nov 23, 2008)

I'm in the same situation, but that's just the way it is right now. I try not to focus on it too much.

I noticed some men here have never dated and some women here have never dated. It seems like it would be possible for people here to get together.


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

I know of guys my age and older that are socially active but they did not even had a single relationship and they are good looking, rich and had no SA.

Oh come on, it's a common people problem anyways. Nothing to do with anything.


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## fern (Nov 16, 2008)

I'm 28 (female) and I've never even been on a date let alone be in a relationship. And I do feel like its too late for me, a few days ago I was even contemplating getting a cat. And I don't even like cats but if I'm going to be a spinster I want to do it right. lol.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

The reason it may be 'too late' for many of you is not that you're old to not have been in a relationship, it's that you've never taken the steps to be in one so why would that change now? Sure, you might get lucky and meet someone you're attracted to and the two of you completely hit it off, but not likely. If you're a guy, you have to hunt.. a lot. If you're a girl, you have to flirt. The only reason I ever date it because I go out of my way to ask a girl out who I've built some rapport with, even if I'm not that attracted to them.

Regarding relationship experience I was in a similar situation. My first real relationship was when I was 24. Only lasted a few months. Then nothing for five years. When I was dating my last gf a few months ago, I was really worried about her asking "How many gfs have you had?" "What you're longest relationship been?". Surprisingly, that stuff didn't come up too much. She once asked what my longest relationship was and I said "Less than 6 months", but she didn't seem concerned about it.


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## Want2Bconfident (Sep 14, 2008)

I've given up! 
No one is ever interested in me like that. No point trying any more.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

Hot Chocolate said:


> I know of guys my age and older that are socially active but they did not even had a single relationship and they are good looking, rich and had no SA.
> 
> Oh come on, it's a common people problem anyways. Nothing to do with anything.


The key words here are: socially active.

The people you know without relationship experience, but are socially active are a lot different than people without relationship experience and suffer anxiety by even thinking about being social.


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## teniralc21 (Oct 24, 2008)

fern said:


> I'm 28 (female) and I've never even been on a date let alone be in a relationship. And I do feel like its too late for me, a few days ago I was even contemplating getting a cat. And I don't even like cats but if I'm going to be a spinster I want to do it right. lol.


Well, I have 2 cats, so I guess I'm set!


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## 2Talkative (Nov 1, 2007)

Futures said:


> I threw in the towel about 2 years ago. It's never going to happen. I'm beyond a lost cause..undatable. I still look at girls all the time and wish I could date them or whatever, but I know better than to waste too much brain power thinking I have a chance because I know I don't.


x2


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## Jessie203 (Feb 20, 2008)

Alot of women find inexperienced guys cute or sweet. Shy guys are well-liked for the most part other then some given awkwardness at times. Another thread I was reading said girls prefer aggressive guys though. I assume that means masculine and as long as a nice, shy guy looks and acts masculine then he is attractive (in my opinion). Shy on it's own can read feminine though and men naturally think more about having sex (or so I've heard?) and you being a virgin and shy might read badly if you lack other masculine qualities. That's my input.


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

PGVan said:


> The key words here are: socially active.
> 
> The people you know without relationship experience, but are socially active are a lot different than people without relationship experience and suffer anxiety by even thinking about being social.


Erms ya, but they are still deadly single.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

I'm a little over a month from being 23 yrs old. Still haven't been on a date. I'm starting to move onto other things. It's honestly not that important to me. I don't want my biggest accomplishment in life to be marrying someone. It does bother me when I'm around other people though. Most of the people I know seem to think you are a loser or gay if you don't chase women all of the time. My odds of ever being in a relationship aren't looking very good.

My friend who is almost 24 is a virgin and has never had a real relationship. Another friend I haven't talked to in awhile, who is 23, was still a virgin last time I heard. He had been on a couple blind dates though.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

kathy903 said:


> Alot of women find inexperienced guys cute or sweet. Shy guys are well-liked for the most part other then some given awkwardness at times. Another thread I was reading said girls prefer aggressive guys though. I assume that means masculine and as long as a nice, shy guy looks and acts masculine then he is attractive (in my opinion). Shy on it's own can read feminine though and men naturally think more about having sex (or so I've heard?) and you being a virgin and shy might read badly if you lack other masculine qualities. That's my input.


It's very rare for women to like shy guys. Whenever a girl finds out I'm shy or quiet, instant turn off. And I don't know how to be loud or outgoing, so I basically screw myself over, even if she's attracted to me physically.


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