# When did you count yourself out?



## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

For those of us who feel incapable of being in a relationship, when did these feelings begin for you? When did you begin to see yourself as undesirable?

For me, I have had feelings of being secluded from any sort of potential sex life since the 5th grade. I remember my friends would always be joking about sexual things, and even though I was usually pretty quiet, when this came up, I was on edge, and couldn't say anything. Then when people began dating in like 8th or 9th grade, I felt completely segregated from that world. Then, as the years went by, I was keenly observant of others who had not taken the plunge yet, and justified my own inadequacies by the fact that I was not the only one. Then, slowly but surely each of them began to date and get into relationships or isolated sexual endeavors, and by now, I am the only one left who has very little experience in that field. Has anyone else experienced things like this?


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

I started feeling incapable of being in a relationship in 2007. That was the last time I dated. Even since that relationship ended I just can't possibly see any female wanting to date me.


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

I used to count myself out but not anymore. I actually see dating as more of a real possibility now than I ever have before.


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## Solitario (Aug 28, 2008)

I never really counted myself _in_ until after college.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I didn't start to count myself out until very recently. I didn't want to date in high school, and I always figured I had plenty of time. Now I've just turned 26, and I have time to reflect back on all the missed opportunities.

The thing is, though, that I haven't _completely_ counted myself out. I still see having a relationship as possible, although much harder than if I was getting into a first relationship right out of high school.


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## dax (Nov 19, 2004)

smalltowngirl said:


> I used to count myself out but not anymore. I actually see dating as more of a real possibility now than I ever have before.


How come you see it more of a real possibility now?


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

I don't know. I can't pinpoint the exact reason, but I think a big part of it is due to meeting this guy that I really, really like.


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

smalltowngirl said:


> I don't know. I can't pinpoint the exact reason, but I think a big part of it is due to meeting this guy that I really, really like.


Nice...fair play. Does he seem to be interested in you?


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

Yes, he does! 

I've been posting all over this board tonight about how miserable my life is in terms of career, but if you asked me to tell you about all the good things in my life, he'd be at the top of the list.


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

:clap
That's great! I hope everything goes well with that. Hopefully it will end these irrational thoughts for you.


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## michellejl (Aug 20, 2006)

that's great smalltown girl  have you tried teaching yet?

and what... boys talk about sex in the 5th grade :O...that's my son next year...i better have "the talk" with him soon, not ready for that yet!!!


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

michellejl said:


> and what... boys talk about sex in the 5th grade :O...that's my son next year...i better have "the talk" with him soon, not ready for that yet!!!


Yeah, most of them do...even sooner in many cases. Make sure that you give him the talk though! I can imagine it is tough...but my parents never gave it to me and to this day I cannot talk about sex, or tell them about my personal life (if there is one :lol). I would have trouble bringing a girl to meet my parents because of this.


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

Hmmm..I think around early this year? I had so much bad experiences in my life (not relating to love though) Felt that I am out of league with most people in the dating scene.


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## Drella (Dec 4, 2004)

I don't know, pretty early on. I didn't even realize that the kids at school hung out with each other outside of school until I was in, like, 10th grade; I thought _everyone_ sat at home alone on weekends. When I was 12, my cousin told me that I would be a virgin until I was 30. I had been feeling left out for years before then, though, considering that she had a boyfriend in kindergarten. Kindergarten, for crying out loud.


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## Riiya (Oct 27, 2008)

.


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## SadRosesAreBeautiful (May 15, 2008)

Within the past few months.


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## RUFB2327 (Sep 28, 2008)

when i got to college...im now in my 4th year

for some odd reason though, ive been feeling more positive about these types of things...almost like i feel something good is going to happen soon in terms of meeting a nice girl(i sure as hell hope so)...

all through college i would always tell people that i didnt want a girlfriend because i didnt want to be tied down during these years, but i think that was just me trying to stop myself from realizing i most likely wasnt going to get a girlfriend anyway

ive been socializing a lot more this year than my other 3 years in school, so hopefully something good happens


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## SaigeJones (Mar 17, 2008)

Mr. Orange said:


> For those of us who feel incapable of being in a relationship, when did these feelings begin for you? When did you begin to see yourself as undesirable?


It started when I was 6 years old. By that age I knew I would be pretty much segregated from all areas of normal human interaction.


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## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

Probably around 7 or 8 years old.


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## Mr. Orange (Apr 20, 2008)

mountain5 said:


> Probably around 7 or 8 years old.


For some reason I thought you had a gf or something. I probably am pulling that out of thin air though.


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## mountain5 (May 22, 2008)

I did for a few months in early 2008. It was pretty unusual circumstances.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

starting today im finished..


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

i really started to feel incredibly undesirable and unattractive in grade 7.. my closest friends were really pretty and blond and got so much attention, while i was ugly and i didn't care about my apperance, i wore ugly clothes and my hair always looked bad.. so i was completely invisible to the opposite sex. from then on till now it's not even something i would think about.. what i mean is i wouldn't even consider it a possibility for me to be romantically involved with someone. if i liked someone i wouldn't even think if they liked me back because i knew there was no chance of that happening. if friends were talking about going to the mall to check out boys (lol junior high) i wouldn't even care that they didn't invite me since the idea of a guy liking me and being with someone is just laughable.

its starting to change a little and i have a small amount of hope that i can get together with a guy, but i'm still far from being confident about it.


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## psychosylocibin (Mar 27, 2007)

I counted myself out after I realized that I had met about 200 girls in the past 4 years and not a single one has showed interest in me. I have yet to meet a guy who has worse luck with women than me. period., 

In addition to that, many girls have told me they could never date me, or let there friends date me. 

Basically I look at my face in the mirror and it makes perfect sense. No this isnt an exxagerated pity statement. I actually look like the kid you say "ewwwwwww" too.


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## cassandra1 (Oct 31, 2008)

I would probably say last year, ever since my relationship ended.


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## 99x (Oct 4, 2007)

I really don't think I've ever lost hope about finding someone even though so far I haven't really had a girlfriend. I tend to think that all of that can change by chance meetings with people I can connect with. At school, at the store..wherever. It's usually when I start talking to someone that I have my doubts because I begin to feel that insecure feeling like I'll go wrong by being to straight forward, or being to shy, not calling early enough or calling too late..**** like that..a huge issue for me is that somehow I pick girls that are already involved.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Drella said:


> I didn't even realize that the kids at school hung out with each other outside of school until I was in, like, 10th grade; I thought _everyone_ sat at home alone on weekends.


Hah! I guess I was the same. I did start hanging out with this guy in 10th grade. He was my first real guy friend in high school, and remained my main friend up until a few years ago. I was still generally clueless about what people were doing in high school. I didn't know that the guys that were passed out on the desk and laughing in the back of the classroom were stoned. I just thought that was how they were.

I don't count myself out, really. I know that I kind of did for a long time. I'm just not willing to give up, even if I am lame. Girls are into me. I'm just too shy.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

psychosylocibin said:


> I counted myself out after I realized that I had met about 200 girls in the past 4 years and not a single one has showed interest in me. I have yet to meet a guy who has worse luck with women than me. period.,
> 
> In addition to that, many girls have told me they could never date me, or let there friends date me.
> 
> Basically I look at my face in the mirror and it makes perfect sense. No this isnt an exxagerated pity statement. I actually look like the kid you say "ewwwwwww" too.


ditto. I'm not that ugly but people still think "eww" because the thought of being attracted to me is like being sexually attracted to a lamp.


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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

About 2 years ago. When after my relationship went to hell he said it was all wrong, that we weren't meant to be and mentioned my anxiety. 
The same thing happened in my first relationship. I guess that I'm not stable enough to deal with the up's and down's of being in a relationship. I hate conflict and I hate how sensitve I am. Relationships mess me up like crazy! I have enough trouble taking care of me with the amount of anxiety, I have.


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## howard26 (Jun 28, 2008)

I remember when i went from 6th grade to junior high, it was a shock. Everyone seemed ingenuine. What happened to my friends; the ones who used to run around in the woods with me? They were chasing skirts, and they didn't have time for me anymore. I sucked it up and got by. Athletics was an escape. I had alot of experience wrestling/fighting with my larger brother, and i remember making some kid start crying during wrestling (P.E.) I was doing what came natural and he thought i was trying to kill him. As for giving up on chicks, i sort of gave up. I'm not marriage material, and not sure that i want to be. If someone doesn't like me for me, they can kiss it. Yes, this means the relationships were few and far between, and i mean few.


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## Draztek (Jul 5, 2008)

I've never had a relationship and only had a few random drunk hook ups, but I'm never going to count myself out. I can be down about a lot of things but I refuse to count myself out. I would put finding someone to live the rest of my life with as priority #1, therefore I refuse to count myself out. I lift weights, run, play basketball etc and my face is at least average. I know my appearance isn't what holds me back, it's SA.


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## ssmcivicsi (Jun 16, 2005)

I've never counted myself out per se; but I have accepted the fact that for the long term I'm not relationship material.

I've had several 'relationships', the longest being 8 months and the shortest being 2 weeks. I've only ended 2 of all my relationships...the rest were initiated by the other party.

Personally I find most women to be far too demanding which makes it difficult for a guy with SA. Too many games...have to pretend you don't like them but at the same time show interest so they like you. Have to talk but only stuff that they're interest in. Have to have the right "body language"...have to appear confident...but not arrogant. 

It's like walking a heated razor's edge wearing shoes made out of butter.

What ultimately dooms me with relationships though is that the majority of girls want a guy with friends and social events going on. When they find I can't provide that and I spend my weekends mostly watching movies or working on my car...they usually get bored and exit stage right.

Now I just take what I can get and don't take dating/relationships too seriously and go from date to date (on average 1 every 8 months or so). I end up 'acting' on the dates so they think I have tons of friends and an active social life; but by the third date I just disconnect and disappear. I don't exactly lie...I just tend to skew the timelines a little and leave out details. For instance, I might talk about a party I went to but won't mention that it was over two years ago.

Gives me a little dose of social sanity and I don't have to worry about making anyone happy.


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## Meee (Oct 24, 2005)

I haven't really given up, but i don't think about it much and i don't think anything will happen in this area of my life unless i make it happen. So pretty much nothing is going to happen, least for a while. I realise how messed up it is to have very little experience in this part of my life but at the same time i don't particularly care, save for the negative judgement i'd get from other people if they knew. Luckily i seem to have enough social skill to come off as 'normal' so i guess it doesn't matter for now.

Anyway, i actually think there's more chance of something happening these days since i've changed a lot over the last few years. I dress a lot better, eat healthier, have (slightly) better social skills, have much more to talk about, occasionally actually like socialising, and i'm not completely crippled by anxiety and depression. I still don't really see myself in a relationship anytime soon though.


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## dreamer222 (Jan 26, 2008)

I guess I started counting myself out when I was about 16 or so. When I was younger I worried a little about never being able to find a boyfriend, but thought that everything would get better once I grew up. But I still can't have a normal conversation with someone now that I'm older, so I don't know if I ever will be able to. And if you can't talk to people, you're pretty much out of luck finding someone who wants to date you.


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## billym223 (Aug 27, 2008)

I never quite counted myself out because I believed I would finally meet the "right" person.

Now I'm beginning to think that's never going to happen.

I used to see myself as totally awkward/undesirable/impossible... Lately, I see myself as ME and I see the world as having to adapt to and meet my standards.

It's not really working. 

One thing is I nevet felt like girls felt a lot of chemistry with me (some, but it was the kind of chemistry like, "He's weird and quiet, I wonder if he likes me?!?!).


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

Probably after college was when it hit me that I may never meet someone. I mean c'mon, if you can't make something happen in college, then you're in trouble because there is never going to be another place that has so much opportunity than college. 

2 years ago at age 26 was when I officially lost all hope though. It was then that I truly gave up. Now when I look ahead to my future, I see myself living alone forever in some condo with a huge porn collection to fill the void.


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## Want2Bconfident (Sep 14, 2008)

Mr. Orange said:


> For those of us who feel incapable of being in a relationship, when did these feelings begin for you? When did you begin to see yourself as undesirable?
> 
> For me, I have had feelings of being secluded from any sort of potential sex life since the 5th grade. I remember my friends would always be joking about sexual things, and even though I was usually pretty quiet, when this came up, I was on edge, and couldn't say anything. Then when people began dating in like 8th or 9th grade, I felt completely segregated from that world. Then, as the years went by, I was keenly observant of others who had not taken the plunge yet, and justified my own inadequacies by the fact that I was not the only one. Then, slowly but surely each of them began to date and get into relationships or isolated sexual endeavors, and by now, I am the only one left who has very little experience in that field. Has anyone else experienced things like this?


That is interesting Mr Orange because I was saying this to my friend at work this week that I was going to become a monk as I have given up of ever meeting a girlfriend (because no one would be interested in me). 
I would like to be with someone I really like and admire, but I just feel that I am a person that no one could have such feelings for. Even though I make so much effort with my appearance and like so much about how I look and have huge confidence in my personality and intelligence and have my own house, car and money, I just feel no one would be interested in me like that. I have felt that way for many years, ever since people used to call me ugly and women rejected me when I asked them out. I just felt no one could be interested in me. Someone once told me 'No woman would ever be so desperate for a man to want you'. How are you supposed to believe anything different? If you are told something by many different people then you're going to believe it. I don't want to believe it but there is no evidence really to suggest this is not true.


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