# Having everything you need, but still unhappy



## eyedlemon

Forgive me, first of all, as I have a feeling many of you won't relate to this. I recognize that so many people have "greater" problems than I do--poverty, true loneliness, physical disability. But that is precisely the problem.

I'm turning 30 soon and I feel like I already have everything I need in life. I have college degree and a job that only requires me to work 32 hours a week. I own a house with a mortgage I can afford and have relatively little debt. I'm married to a loving wife who is also my best friend. I have a very supportive family. I'm probably in the best physical shape in my life right now.

Yesterday morning before work I awoke with a sadness that had been gradually strengthening over the last few days. It was the sunniest day of the year so far and I decided to take the dogs out for a walk in hopes I would feel better. My mind created a dark haze in the air and I returned feeling awful. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything and I eventually went up to take a shower and get ready for work. I knelt over the bathroom sink and broke down into tears, sobbing uncontrollably like a man should never do. My gag reflex kicked in and I threw up half the protein shake I had managed to choke down earlier. I thought of people who had committed suicide and thought a bit about how I might do it. I know this feeling. It's depression, like I'd experienced a few years earlier. I still had 30 or so 20mg citalopram in my nightstand, so I took one and made a mental note to find a new doctor and make an appointment. I thought of calling in sick, but I knew the headache it would cause for my colleagues, so I pulled it together and left for work.

I have NOTHING to be depressed about. Perhaps it's because my job is spiritually draining, and I don't feel I'm keeping true to the values of my profession, but the thought of quitting or changing jobs brings no relief. 

It's true what they say about happiness, that it must be found from within. I could win the lottery right now, marry a supermodel, and win the Nobel peace prize and I'd still be miserable. Where do I go from here? 

Antidepressants are a band-aid. They get you back on your feet for a while until you can find the root of a deeper problem. There is something wrong internally--a defect or switch in my brain that prevents me from fully enjoying life. I guess I will scour the web for different therapy options, although I have no faith that any one person has the ability to heal me. Therapists can offer guidance, but I believe we all eventually have to solve our own problems. Maybe spiritual guidance is the way to go. I was raised somewhat Christian, but I've found little consolation in the church. Buddhists seem to have the right idea.

I would love to hear from anyone who might be able to relate to this. Any guidance here would be much appreciated. I feel alone.


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## alternate

I can definitely relate. I have a job, it's a crappy mind numbing factory job, but it pays my mortgage. I have a supportive girlfriend of twelve years. I'm not rich or anything but I've bought (with bank loans) fancy cars that I've wanted my whole life that I thought would bring happiness, but nothing. 

I recently entered some of my work (a hobby I do in my spare time) into a competition and won first place, but I felt nothing inside.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, don't know how to change. I'm seeing a psychiatrist about other things next week, I plan to bring this up also.


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## eyedlemon

Thanks for the reply. I hate sounding like a whiner when so many others have much less than I do, but depression has no prejudice. I've seen a therapist in the past. She was a nice lady, albeit useless. It was somewhat helpful to have someone to talk to and unload my worries onto, but I also have family for that. Does your psychiatrist/therapist give you homework or practical advice that you can actually find useful?

Funny you should mention cars. I don't understand why people buy expensive luxury vehicles. I'll see old beater cars in the parking lot with mismatched panels and a part of me wants to have one, if only to be ironical.


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## flapban

I relate to this 100%... when people ask what you would do with a milliondollars. in my head I just want to sleep forever.

I've got a very easy job that pays very well.. no mortgage or wife but its the core that's important - I'm unhappy


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## alternate

eyedlemon said:


> Does your psychiatrist/therapist give you homework or practical advice that you can actually find useful?


Not sure yet - I have avoided seeing one for years until recently. I've been through the doctor visit and the sitting with a nurse to fill out a "questionaire" aka evaluation - now after all that I got a referral to see a Pshycologist whom I have an apointment with next week.


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## victoriangirl

I can totally understand your situation. I was around 19 when my 'first' depression hit me. I had some reasons back than (no friends, living away from family, school was draining & stressful). Than it hit me again when I was 26, again I had my reasons (breaking up with my boyfriend & having no job). Than it hit me last year again - for no real apparent reason. I thought the reason was my job, but how could a dream job close to my house with a good salary and good hours, lots of annual leave make me sad? Well, I actually noticed that it did make me depressed because there I was, having finally gotten to a place I dreamt about, but was still feeling at my lowest. It made me realize that even when I get what I want and at times when I 'should' be happy & content, that this beast inside me called depression will still continue to wake up & ruin my life. 

I got over my last depression without the help of any medication or doctor. I did try to go see a doctor but when I noticed that I knew the whole 'process' myself, I decided to save the money and work it out by myself. It is however not something I would advise anyone else to do. It totally depends on the individual. 

I was probably lucky that I survived it because I did really hit the bottom but somehow found the strenght to go on. I allowed the sadness to take over most of the time, so I'd cry, stay in bed, dress poorly, not eat etc. I didn't force myself any happy thoughts and just focused on the fact that the intense sadness will soon be over and it would somehow. But for me, it was my family and my animals that saved me. I became a passionate animal lover, became vegan, started taking care of more and more stray animals, started reading and learning about animals, supporting different causes. So having a passion, something that kept me going and something that gave me purpose helped me tremendously. I am feeling quite ok lately but these passions have evolved into lifestyles and I have to admit that I am thankful that I allowed myself to go through a deep depression without the numbness of medications. (again not something I can advise for everyone) It opened my eyes and changed me completely. 

So I really hope you find your passion as well.


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## tommy1975

You're not alone. I also seem to have everything I need. I'm a medical professional, have money, a great marriage, 4 wonderful kids. My life seems perfect to others. It's sunny and 80 out today. I should be happy, but I'm not. My feelings stem from friends. I have some close friends, but I'm always worried that they will drop me. I overanalyze everything they say or do, and I get really jealous if they do something and don't include me. I get mad at myself for having these feelings. It's unbeliveable how it can ruin a perfect day. I've tried paxil in the past and I hated the way it made me feel. I wish you the best and hope you can overcome your feelings.


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## Jin87

eyedlemon said:


> Forgive me, first of all, as I have a feeling many of you won't relate to this. I recognize that so many people have "greater" problems than I do--poverty, true loneliness, physical disability. But that is precisely the problem.
> 
> I'm turning 30 soon and I feel like I already have everything I need in life. I have college degree and a job that only requires me to work 32 hours a week. I own a house with a mortgage I can afford and have relatively little debt. I'm married to a loving wife who is also my best friend. I have a very supportive family. I'm probably in the best physical shape in my life right now.
> 
> Yesterday morning before work I awoke with a sadness that had been gradually strengthening over the last few days. It was the sunniest day of the year so far and I decided to take the dogs out for a walk in hopes I would feel better. My mind created a dark haze in the air and I returned feeling awful. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything and I eventually went up to take a shower and get ready for work. I knelt over the bathroom sink and broke down into tears, sobbing uncontrollably like a man should never do. My gag reflex kicked in and I threw up half the protein shake I had managed to choke down earlier. I thought of people who had committed suicide and thought a bit about how I might do it. I know this feeling. It's depression, like I'd experienced a few years earlier. I still had 30 or so 20mg citalopram in my nightstand, so I took one and made a mental note to find a new doctor and make an appointment. I thought of calling in sick, but I knew the headache it would cause for my colleagues, so I pulled it together and left for work.
> 
> I have NOTHING to be depressed about. Perhaps it's because my job is spiritually draining, and I don't feel I'm keeping true to the values of my profession, but the thought of quitting or changing jobs brings no relief.
> 
> It's true what they say about happiness, that it must be found from within. I could win the lottery right now, marry a supermodel, and win the Nobel peace prize and I'd still be miserable. Where do I go from here?
> 
> Antidepressants are a band-aid. They get you back on your feet for a while until you can find the root of a deeper problem. There is something wrong internally--a defect or switch in my brain that prevents me from fully enjoying life. I guess I will scour the web for different therapy options, although I have no faith that any one person has the ability to heal me. Therapists can offer guidance, but I believe we all eventually have to solve our own problems. Maybe spiritual guidance is the way to go. I was raised somewhat Christian, but I've found little consolation in the church. Buddhists seem to have the right idea.
> 
> I would love to hear from anyone who might be able to relate to this. Any guidance here would be much appreciated. I feel alone.


I'm in search for an answer myself and I'm wondering how have you been since you left us this message? Hope you haven't committed suicide.. 
I too live a good life but at the same time feel empty and alone, like I don't belong here and nobody understands my search for more. I'm 25 years of age and becoming very spiritual. I'm starting to connect myself spiritually through numerology and happenings in my life. My knowledge and awareness is beyond your average joe but I have lost myself taking this path. I do however feel a lot stronger but yet empty and alone.. what am I going through, is this a phase? What's the end of the tunnel..


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## syoung

I am in the same situation. My psych/therapist admitted he is befuddled by my depression and anxiety. He said my life in all appearances is "perfect". How suddenly I developed my problems, I have no idea. We just started talking so we are working on a few thoughts now... I hope everyone that responded is alright. Though he was unclear why, he did say a lot of people don't know why until they really start opening up and talking and that I am not alone. He said he could really help and I believe him. I never asked for help before and going to see him is a huge step for me.


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## zork2001

He posted this a year ago. He is probably fine and has forgotten all about how he was depressed for 2 days.


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## Blueunseen

I relate somewhat. I take my antidepressants regularly which have helped my panic attacks. I must say that depression still comes in at times. I try to remain positive but that doesn't always work. So I guess I still have ups and downs. But the downs can be hard. I have more then others but it doesn't make any difference if I'm feeling bad. Iva e no advice but I can say I understand. Take care.


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## TheVoid

Well, it's not like people who are better off in life are not supposed to have depression. Depression is not something we bring upon ourselves. We just get it due to various reasons, some of which are genetics and biological and therefore out of your control. So if someone tells you because you have more than him, you are supposed to feel better, that's just ignorance. But, please do see your doctor soon.


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## TheVoid

zork2001 said:


> He posted this a year ago. He is probably fine and has forgotten all about how he was depressed for 2 days.


Oh my goodness I just noticed that


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