# Ended a Friendship, but Something Doesn't Feel Right



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

Over the last two years of high school, I became friends with someone a grade below me (which is saying something, because I was content with being a loner throughout most of middle and high school). She was one of my best friends and her friendly, quirky personality made senior year a little less dull. I graduated about a year ago. In the months that followed, I debated ending the friendship, not because of an ugly fight, but because I felt like she didn't care about it. As an introvert, putting in a ton of social energy for a lifeless friendship is just plain stupid. But my first semester of college was so lonely that I lacked the strength to let go (I even considered transferring to the college she's going to attend!). 

But last semester, I made a solid group of friends that I'm incredibly grateful for. And the semester was tough academically, so I didn't have the time or energy for emotional baggage. So I was finally able to bring myself to end the friendship. I deleted her number, unfriended her on FB, and got rid of any statuses/photos she was in. It was painful, but afterwards I felt a sense of freedom.

But when I visited my high school over spring break, I saw my ex-friend. I was so tempted to talk to her, but the logical side of me told me to keep my mouth shut and get away from her before she noticed me. I said hi to a mutual friend who said, "*Ex-friend* is gonna be so happy to see you!". I felt so guilty, but I forced myself to walk away before my ex-friend could see me. I felt better afterwards.

For the most part, I think I made the right decision. And yet, every now and then, she crosses my mind, and I feel like something isn't quite right. I don't know why I feel this way or what it is, but I do know that our friendship is unsalvageable and belongs in the past. Yet I can't shake off this feeling.

What really freaks me out is that she's been in my dreams lately. In these dreams, we hug and become friends again, and our friendship is back to normal. When I wake up, my knee-jerk reaction is disappointment, but then I tell myself that reality doesn't work that way and it's okay.

I know things are the way they should be, especially since I'm very happy with my new friend group, but I can't deny that something STILL doesn't feel quite right.


----------



## StaceyLaine14 (Apr 11, 2015)

It's probably just a lack of closure. With ending things so abruptly and on a bad note, I can see why there may be some lingering feelings of needing to reconcile. Considering the two of you had good times, it's understandable that part of you is hoping that the two of you could become friends again and have good times in the future. But you did the right thing by ending things the way you did. If you don't have the energy to commit to the friendship, there's no need to make things more difficult on the both of you by struggling to make things work for the sake of having one more friend. You'll be okay. I'm not sure time will erase these lingering feelings or not, but it doesn't matter. Those small feelings are much less bothersome than trying to maintain a broken friendship. You are definitely thinking rationally about the situation. Keep with it and enjoy your new friends.


----------



## UnderdogWins (Apr 9, 2015)

Demure said:


> She was one of my best friends and her friendly, quirky personality made senior year a little less dull. I graduated about a year ago. In the months that followed, I debated ending the friendship, not because of an ugly fight, but because I felt like she didn't care about it.
> 
> But last semester, I made a solid group of friends that I'm incredibly grateful for.
> 
> ...


 Even if you decided to talk to her during that event, it doesn't mean you have to try to rebuild the friendship. You could have had a nice pleasant conversation and then departed when you were ready.

From reading your post, I coming to the conclusion that she must have hurt your feelings. On the one hand you're happy with your current friends and current situation. But your subconscious is telling you another story.

The good thing is you have a nice group of friends. Sometimes we outgrow people in our past. I'm sure you will meet even more people in college.:grin2:
GOOD LUCK


----------



## Sparkle0 (May 23, 2015)

She's probably outgoing and jumps around to different friend groups so it made you feel neglected right? You just have to accept that you're different types of people and you can be friends if you can accept it


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

StaceyLaine14 said:


> It's probably just a lack of closure. With ending things so abruptly and on a bad note, I can see why there may be some lingering feelings of needing to reconcile. Considering the two of you had good times, it's understandable that part of you is hoping that the two of you could become friends again and have good times in the future. But you did the right thing by ending things the way you did. If you don't have the energy to commit to the friendship, there's no need to make things more difficult on the both of you by struggling to make things work for the sake of having one more friend. You'll be okay. I'm not sure time will erase these lingering feelings or not, but it doesn't matter. Those small feelings are much less bothersome than trying to maintain a broken friendship. You are definitely thinking rationally about the situation. Keep with it and enjoy your new friends.


It's not my lack of energy that made me choose to end the friendship. If my ex-friend told me she cared about our friendship right now, I'd come running back, knowing that the energy spent wouldn't go to waste. I think that's the problem; she's a wonderful person, but she's been pretty apathetic about our friendship ever since I graduated. Maybe she doesn't even realize how much she hurt me. I still miss her. But it doesn't really matter now.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

Sparkle0 said:


> She's probably outgoing and jumps around to different friend groups so it made you feel neglected right? You just have to accept that you're different types of people and you can be friends if you can accept it


She's outgoing, but she tends to hang out with the same people. She HATES change.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

UnderdogWins said:


> From reading your post, I'm coming to the conclusion that she must have hurt your feelings. On the one hand you're happy with your current friends and current situation. But your subconscious is telling you another story.


That sounds about right. I've been having those dreams ever since summer break started. I guess it makes sense, because now my college friends and challenging academics are gone (until late August), so now I have nothing to take my mind off of this.

I was planning on going to this year's graduation because I know quite a few '15 graduates and I'd feel bad if I didn't congratulate/say goodbye to them, but I don't know what I'd do if I bumped into my ex-friend. It almost makes me hope it rains because then I wouldn't be allowed to go, so I wouldn't feel guilty about not going.


----------



## UnderdogWins (Apr 9, 2015)

Demure said:


> I was planning on going to this year's graduation because I know quite a few '15 graduates and I'd feel bad if I didn't congratulate/say goodbye to them, but I don't know what I'd do if I bumped into my ex-friend. It almost makes me hope it rains because then I wouldn't be allowed to go, so I wouldn't feel guilty about not going.


 I would recommend that you go to the graduation so you could see your other friends. You want to be supportive of them and you don't want to offend them by not going. If you see your ex-friend, try to be courteous and polite.

You could always go to your friends' graduation parties to say congratulations to them. This may involve you going to multiple parties. There's always the chance your ex-friend could show up to these parties if she's in the circle of friends.


----------



## Sparkle0 (May 23, 2015)

Demure said:


> Sparkle0 said:
> 
> 
> > She's probably outgoing and jumps around to different friend groups so it made you feel neglected right? You just have to accept that you're different types of people and you can be friends if you can accept it
> ...


A lot of people are like that. Not sure what advice to give, but I have found I had better/ longer lasting friendships with people who weren't super outgoing.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

Sparkle0 said:


> A lot of people are like that. Not sure what advice to give, but I have found I had better/ longer lasting friendships with people who weren't super outgoing.


The thing is, I HAVE made new friends, but something still feels wrong. To make matters worse, she's going to go to a college that's only about half an hour away from mine (and both colleges are only half an hour away from our hometown). So we're going to be in the same area for the next three years. I hope I don't accidentally bump into her. I really wish she'd move to the other side of the country.


----------



## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

I wish people hugged me more in my dreams. Recently someone was kind of leaning on me in an almost embrace. Not quite a hug but it made me feel good. I wish I had more good dreams. =[


----------



## Sparkle0 (May 23, 2015)

I can understand that something feels wrong. I think it's hard to let go of high school friends. I had some friends in high school and we were really close and told each other a lot of private stuff, we stayed friends after high school, for a few years, but we ended up getting into a weird fight and I haven't talked to either of them in a long time. It does feel weird not having them but I don't know what else to do. One of them constantly is hanging out with her sister so I feel like she just doesn't need me, plus I live far away now anyway. 

I'm not sure exactly why you feel weird about, but if you really felt like she didnt value the friendship then you might be better off without her. I got that exact feeling with my 2 friends, just feeling like they didn't value me anymore and didn't want to be close anymore. My one friend stopped opening up to me and didn't even tell me when she started dating this one guy. It felt like I was just an acquaintance to her, so i felt I was better off without her.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear that, Sparkle0. You sound like a really sweet person who deserves good friends.



Sometimes I wish I weren't an introverted non-loner. I can't connect with people unless I'm forced to work with them through school/clubs, and even then, I won't be friends with them unless they have the right personality. And when I finally become friends with someone, I treasure our friendship and the very thought of my friends brings a smile to my face. But it's frustrating to know that while I see my friends as the few people I can connect with, so near and dear to my heart, they just see me as someone to talk to and hang out with sometimes. And when graduation comes along, they'll forget me soon after, because they have plenty of friends and can easily make more; I'm just a drop from the bucket. As an introvert, friends are so rare that when I do form a friendship, I get super attached to it and it hurts to let go. I can't be content as a loner, like I used to be, now that I've experienced friendships and know how great they are while they last. And I can't be an extrovert because I'm not wired that way. I just can't win, can I?


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

mattmc said:


> I wish people hugged me more in my dreams. Recently someone was kind of leaning on me in an almost embrace. Not quite a hug but it made me feel good. I wish I had more good dreams. =[


Don't feel too bad; lately, my dream life hasn't been that great either. Most of my dreams (that I remember) have been nightmares, weird, or mundane. The only dreams I've been having that are pleasant as opposed to bad or neutral are the ones with my ex-friend.

It's so messed up that every good dream I've been having involves the person who hurt me.


----------



## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

Demure said:


> Don't feel too bad; lately, my dream life hasn't been that great either. Most of my dreams (that I remember) have been nightmares, weird, or mundane. The only dreams I've been having that are pleasant as opposed to bad or neutral are the ones with my ex-friend.
> 
> It's so messed up that every good dream I've been having involves the person who hurt me.


Maybe it's not my place to say but I've never had a good dream about someone I didn't like. It could be that inside you've forgiven her and it's just hard to deal with that because then you go back to missing her.

IMO, love is never a bad thing. But the emotions are intense and I've ruined a lot of friendships because of it. I've also had a lot of nostalgia for old friendships. Because I had some amazing friends in the past and now my real life friendships are basically down to one.

There was this girl in church. She was older than me. She was kind to me from the beginning. When she'd hug me, it wasn't romantic, but I felt loved. Maybe she saw me as kind of a little brother or something... I'm not sure. She was protective at times. For a while I was really missing her. I ended up sending her a message on Facebook. Just saying what her friendship had meant to me. I think it might have made her feel good.

But she was now a mom with multiple kids and a husband. She had always been relatively popular so she probably did a lot of living since. Where for me, not so much. It is difficult being the shy one because friendships mean so much to us. The people with a lot of friends and experiences sometimes might seem cold. Like my friend who didn't say too much in response. Though I'd like to believe they don't really forget us. It may just be hard for them to let themselves feel all those emotions because they have new people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your friend probably did care for you. I don't know how things changed... if she got a boyfriend... or there was miscommunication... I don't know and I'm not trying to ask. Relationships are complicated. Especially when people are young and their at a loss for what they're doing in life. But you had some good times together from the sound of it. That's a beautiful thing.

Sorry if everything I'm saying is the opposite of what you need to hear right now. If anyone knows how complicated friendships are it's me. Nothing was ever simple. But I think about my friends often.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

But she DOESN'T care about me anymore. Up until I gave up on our friendship, I'd let her know I cared about her every now and then (I still care about her, TBH). I did the same thing to my other best friend; the only difference is that she also lets me know she cares too, and so our friendship is still alive, despite the fact that she and her family moved to the other side of the country. When I would text my ex-friend (who would never initiate despite knowing about my phone anxiety), I could tell she'd respond just to be nice. When I would text my other friend (who at least initiates occasionally, which is good enough for me), it was easy to see that she was genuine. My ex-friend made me feel like a pest, while my other friend makes me feel like, well, a friend. Sometimes I feel tempted to tell my ex-friend that if she didn't want to be friends anymore she could have just said so in the first place; it would have saved both of us a lot of effort and me a lot of pain.
That being said, I don't hate her. If we ever meet again and she tells me she does care, I'd forgive her in a heartbeat. 

I want our friendship back, but I know it doesn't matter because she doesn't feel the same way.


----------



## dreamer7 (Mar 13, 2015)

I understand where you're coming from and even though it hurt, try and see it from her perspective. Unfortunately, sometimes relationships feel more meaningful to us than to the other person since our ability to find meaningful connections is more rare. It's not really her fault she doesn't feel the same way. It doesn't seem like she deliberately wronged you.

People come and go in life and long-distance relationships are hard to maintain. You guys live in different places and are at different points in your lives. Its a time to explore, to focus on your goals (school), to learn from your surroundings (the whole college experience), and to grow. You've found new friends and that's awesome. Think of it as a pause in your previous friendship. And the beauty of it is that you can pick it right back up where you left off if your lives ever crossed paths again. You'll be able to share the new and improved you with her, and develop an even stronger relationship on top of the foundation you already have.

I went through a similar experience when I started college. I didn't unfriend them or delete them but I was sad when I realized that the friendship meant so much more to me than to them. But that's really on me and my ability to connect to fill that void. You just got to get back on your feet so you can have more friendships and experiences in your life. 

Some of my college friends say that they do fantasy sports with their high school friends as a way to keep in touch. So it's pretty common to grow apart but that doesn't mean there was anything wrong. It's just life. For me, I talk to some of my high school friends about once every 4 months. I'm busy doing my thing, working on myself, and pursuing my dreams. In the past year though, I've spent the holidays staying with a HS buddy who had moved to an amazing ski destination and I've traveled abroad for a few weeks with another HS friend. So we share experiences when it matters and I think our friendships are stronger because of it.

If you see her again I think she should say whatsup


----------



## mattmc (Jun 27, 2013)

I'm sorry. It does hurt a lot when friends don't say much or ignore you.

I wonder if she didn't like texting much. I have a very severe stutter but my friends would always want to be around me in person or talk on the phone. It didn't matter how clearly I struggled to express myself verbally. The option that suited me better, writing online, was hardly a consideration to them.

So I'm not sure if she was like that but I figured I should mention it. Social people want so socialize either in real life or on the phone. I guess you could say it's how they "connect" with others. Even when they have a good friend, I know my friends cared, they will pretty much be obstinate about other possibilities.

Last night I messaged an old friend on Facebook. He just gave me a polite reply that effectively ended the conversation. Before he wanted me to play video games with him online where he'd of course be talking through a mic. So I'd either not talk through a mic, look like a loser, especially as he'd probably have other friends playing too, or I'd use a mic, and stutter and feel like crap.

People who talking comes easy to love talking and they don't seem to comprehend that it doesn't suit others as well. Even when it's blatantly obvious like with me. So that may have been a factor. A ton of people I know are less friendly, if friendly at all, if it's texting or online.


----------



## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

If I were you, I probably wouldn't have delete her number or unfriend her on facebook. Doing so is like you're publicly declare to her the friendship is over, sealing any chances of you guys re bonding one day. This also might rouse up some hostility between your two. Though I figure, it might've been just your emotions and hurt you had at that time spiraling. I probably would've just drift apart from her, but keep those lines open in case she ever wants to rekindle that friendship, something it seems like you want in your dreams. 

Tons of my "friends" are like that too. I simply just drift away from them as well. Though I will keep their numbers and contact with them around just in case.


----------



## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*I never do that*

I never quit any job.

100% the other who kicks me out.

I see the healthy way to deciding to uproot and choose otherwise. I'm happy with relocating. Grounded or beached is the way of my life.

I'm not religious. 
Rejection is clearly the opposite of any faith. I see it as absolutely illegal. I've been on the warpath every since each dismissal. Compromise is important. >
Unhealthy enemymaking

Starving, droughting, famining, poisoning, torturing not right.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

dreamer7 said:


> I understand where you're coming from and even though it hurt, try and see it from her perspective. Unfortunately, sometimes relationships feel more meaningful to us than to the other person since our ability to find meaningful connections is more rare. It's not really her fault she doesn't feel the same way. It doesn't seem like she deliberately wronged you.
> 
> People come and go in life and long-distance relationships are hard to maintain. You guys live in different places and are at different points in your lives. Its a time to explore, to focus on your goals (school), to learn from your surroundings (the whole college experience), and to grow. You've found new friends and that's awesome. Think of it as a pause in your previous friendship. And the beauty of it is that you can pick it right back up where you left off if your lives ever crossed paths again. You'll be able to share the new and improved you with her, and develop an even stronger relationship on top of the foundation you already have.
> 
> ...


I guess that makes sense; the friend who didn't hurt me was also an introvert. It just frustrates me that some people are so insensitive. Like I said before, I hate being an introvert.


----------



## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

People come and go like the seasons. I might have some regrets dumping all my high school friends, I moved away. But if they really cared, they'd make an effort to keep in contact as well. True friendship is a mutual two way street y'know.

You judge people by the sincerity of their actions, not solely on their honeyed words. That's how you filter comrades from positive acquaintances and foes.


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

Malek said:


> People come and go like the seasons. I might have some regrets dumping all my high school friends, I moved away. But if they really cared, they'd make an effort to keep in contact as well. True friendship is a mutual two way street y'know.
> 
> You judge people by the sincerity of their actions, not solely on their honeyed words. That's how you filter comrades from positive acquaintances and foes.


Absolutely; you hit the nail on the head!


----------



## Demure (Jul 14, 2014)

Blue Dino said:


> If I were you, I probably wouldn't have delete her number or unfriend her on facebook. Doing so is like you're publicly declare to her the friendship is over, sealing any chances of you guys re bonding one day. This also might rouse up some hostility between your two. Though I figure, it might've been just your emotions and hurt you had at that time spiraling. I probably would've just drift apart from her, but *keep those lines open in case she ever wants to rekindle that friendship*, something it seems like you want in your dreams.
> 
> Tons of my "friends" are like that too. I simply just drift away from them as well. Though I will keep their numbers and contact with them around just in case.


That's the reason I deleted her. Before I decided to delete her, I always hoped that one day, her name would appear on my phone screen, texting/messaging me to ask how I'm doing or even to just say hi. But that never happened unless I initiated the conversation. Not even once. After months of this crap, I decided I couldn't spend the rest of my life hoping she'd want to "rekindle that friendship", especially since I had a difficult class to worry about. If she didn't care about the friendship when I was fresh out of high school, why would she ever care about it later?


----------



## zomb (May 4, 2014)

I've had those same dreams. Except I never had doubts.
maybe that feeling is a 'what if', something that isn't logic? Even though you know it can't be salvaged that irrational part of you says maybe if had waited and done it another way...????


----------

