# Was your mother cold and distant?



## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Or perhaps I should say your primary caregiver when growing up?


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## Dempsey (Jun 27, 2009)

I guess so. She was very caring but I don't recall her giving any emotional support whatsoever. I am pretty sure she has or has had SAD, or something along those lines.


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## Girl_Loner (Mar 17, 2009)

Yes, she comes home grinning from ear to ear telling
me about her day and how she read to a group of small children and how wonderful it was.
I don't understand how she seems so in love with these other children when
she had me, she never read to me..or did anything that made me feel like I was special
to her.

I would give her my prized possessions and draw for hours for the second
of attention I got for giving it to her.

*plays tiny violin lol*

I'm sure she tried her best at the time, I like to think that anyway.


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## liarsclub (Aug 23, 2008)

No, my mom was fond of saying things like I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. Disgusting!


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## TimeisAllAround (Aug 16, 2009)

My primary caregiver throughout most of my early childhood was my grandmother. She was overly protective. Sometimes it was good, other times though I think it stunted what social life I could have had. She wasn't cold or distant though.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Girl Loner-I'm sorry,you deserved better and I can see that you can't help but compare. Have you ever thought about talking to her about it?


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Sorry-forgot to add something-Liarsclub-you're fortunate,would she be willing to adopt me???!!


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## layitontheline (Aug 19, 2009)

I see my mom as a very warm and loving person, but I guess I did feel a lack of attention from her at times. I used to beg her in my early teens to just turn off the tv so that we could talk about anything under the sun for hours. I really loved having conversations with her but she wasn't usually interested. I had to constantly rival with the tv for her until I gave up.


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## Hippo (May 10, 2009)

No, but my mom's mom was cold and distant to her. I think as a result of this, my mom made an extra effort to be supportive and loving to me.


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## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Yes.


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## blc1 (Jan 8, 2009)

Cold and emotionally distant, but also incredibly overprotective.


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## Toad Licker (Nov 2, 2007)

Nope.


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## PlayerOffGames (Mar 19, 2007)

when i was younger, yes...but now shes the best mother i could ask for...i guess she just matured



Girl_Loner said:


> *plays tiny violin lol*


that made me smile... :squeeze


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## Syrena (Aug 6, 2009)

I can't imagine what it's like to have one of those warm, caring mothers who gives entirely too much of themselves to make their children happy. Do they exist outside of tv/movies?


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## outcast69 (Aug 23, 2009)

(I should of made this thread)-My mother is so emotionally cold and distant,that even thou she lives litterry around the corner from me she does not talk to me or even visit me in the 10yrs I lived here she has only been to my home twice.Birthdays,holidays go by without even a phonecall.She has never given me an explanation as to why and I have asked.The only thing I can think of is she is ashamed of me.So after years of pain,I worked up the confidence and confronted her at a block party infront of the entire family,I said mom I haven't seen you in over a year you don't call or visit,she said I just don't want anything to do with you.So I have my answer,I decided to break this bad relationship and move on with my life it hurts bad but,I don't want anymore abuse.I can't wait for the phonecall one day that she is dead;not to go to the funeral but,to piss on her grave.


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

Kind of the opposite. She was caring and a little too overbearing.


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Mostly.
I kind of expected it because she grew up in a house where affection wasn't really shown and kids were separate from the adults in pretty much every way and my grandmother grew up separated from her parents most of the time, so affection wasn't in our family at all. It sort of just passed down. That's no excuse, really, but I figure no one has wanted to change it.
I see how some mothers are with their kids and I can't even process it. My mom was happy and affectionate, to a point, when she wanted/wants to be. Like she'll asks me how I am, tell me I'm beautiful, etc, but this is often right before she asks me to do something for her. Honestly, I don't think my mom even knows how to be affectionate. I've never even heard the words 'I love you' come from her mouth ever. And hugging and kissing, that would unnerve me because I'm not used to it at all.

My mom and I hardly ever talk and when we do, it's usually asking me what's wrong with me, now, something critical, or she's asking me to do something.

What it would be like to have one of those warm, caring, affectionate, 'smothering' mothers, I'd have no idea.


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## LostPancake (Apr 8, 2009)

Girl_Loner said:


> I don't understand how she seems so in love with these other children when
> she had me, she never read to me..or did anything that made me feel like I was special
> to her.
> I would give her my prized possessions and draw for hours for the second
> of attention I got for giving it to her.


aww 



liarsclub said:


> No, my mom was fond of saying things like I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. Disgusting!


my mom sat with me in a rocking chair and hugged me until i was hot and couldn't breathe, kept saying i was the sweetest boy ever, how did i ever get so sweet? uggggghh. that's not good for a guy to hear growing up.

i dreamt once that she made me a birthday cake covered in white frosting. when i cut into it it was full of toothpicks and air.



Still Waters said:


> Sorry-forgot to add something-Liarsclub-you're fortunate,would she be willing to adopt me???!!


i don't think fortunate is the right word there, lol.



Syrena said:


> I can't imagine what it's like to have one of those warm, caring mothers who gives entirely too much of themselves to make their children happy.


smothering



Iced Soul said:


> What it would be like to have one of those warm, caring, affectionate, 'smothering' mothers, I'd have no idea.


claustrophobic

i always envied the people whose mom's just didn't care what they were doing. i _craved_ a mom like that. i wanted to be an orphan. i realize the reality of it would be different though.

and i know my mom was trying to do well - her mom had sort of rejected her, so she went a bit overboard showing me affection. but at the same time, i felt like i was almost a mother substitute for her as a kid, which is not good.


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## livinginfear (Jan 31, 2009)

Neither of my parents were very demonstrative, and neither seemed comfortable expressing strong emotions, positive or negative. They never actually said the words, "I love you," but I always felt very loved. I think they were reserved, but not cold or distant. They were good people and good parents, and I was one lucky kid. I wouldn't trade them for the world. :O)


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

LostPancake said:


> i always envied the people whose mom's just didn't care what they were doing. i _craved_ a mom like that. *i wanted to be an orphan.* i realize the reality of it would be different though.
> 
> and i know my mom was trying to do well - her mom had sort of rejected her, so she went a bit overboard showing me affection. but at the same time, i felt like i was almost a mother substitute for her as a kid, which is not good.


Funny, I always wanted to be an orphan because I didn't feel loved, so I figured that would be better, or to somehow get adopted by some couple with a more caring mother.

I didn't want a mother who was insanely affectionate or smothering, just one who showed that she cared more.


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## brokenlight (Mar 10, 2004)

Yeah, and I really think it was this in combination with my sister's bad treatment of me that led to my anxiety disorder. My relationship with my mom has improved, but my sister is even more distant and I rarely see her.



outcast69 said:


> (I should of made this thread)-My mother is so emotionally cold and distant,that even thou she lives litterry around the corner from me she does not talk to me or even visit me in the 10yrs I lived here she has only been to my home twice.Birthdays,holidays go by without even a phonecall.She has never given me an explanation as to why and I have asked.The only thing I can think of is she is ashamed of me.So after years of pain,I worked up the confidence and confronted her at a block party infront of the entire family,I said mom I haven't seen you in over a year you don't call or visit,she said I just don't want anything to do with you.So I have my answer,I decided to break this bad relationship and move on with my life it hurts bad but,I don't want anymore abuse.I can't wait for the phonecall one day that she is dead;not to go to the funeral but,to piss on her grave.


That makes me sad. I'm sorry your mom treated you that way.


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## Aurora (Feb 27, 2009)

Yes. I think my mother had post natal depression with me that she never got treatment for. Its just a guess. But its what Im thinking. Shes already said I wasnt planned and that I came along when the relationship hit a low point. I dont know why youd tell your kid that even if your child is an adult. So that explains why shes so cold towards me still now. I reckon she borders on narcissistic. 
I dont think she was ever prepared to be a mother. Im not saying she didnt try her best. Just dont feel that she coped all that well. There was moments I remember where she really did show her maternal side. But they are faded memories. Because the strongest memories are of my dad. It was almost like she wasnt there. But I know she was? I was an only child until my sister was born when I was 6, then my brother. 
Showing loving honest emotions in my family is not something we do. I wish there was more honesty with my parents.


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## Aurora (Feb 27, 2009)

outcast69 said:


> (I should of made this thread)-My mother is so emotionally cold and distant,that even thou she lives litterry around the corner from me she does not talk to me or even visit me in the 10yrs I lived here she has only been to my home twice.Birthdays,holidays go by without even a phonecall.She has never given me an explanation as to why and I have asked.The only thing I can think of is she is ashamed of me.So after years of pain,I worked up the confidence and confronted her at a block party infront of the entire family,I said mom I haven't seen you in over a year you don't call or visit,she said I just don't want anything to do with you.So I have my answer,I decided to break this bad relationship and move on with my life it hurts bad but,I don't want anymore abuse.I can't wait for the phonecall one day that she is dead;not to go to the funeral but,to piss on her grave.


Im so sorry. Breaking a relationship with mother must be one of the hardest things to go through. I dont understand how a mother can grow a child in her body for 9 months, and not feel 'maternal' or an unbreakable love for that child, then to throw a child away like that, it just makes no sense to me. 
This is what Im scared will happen to me. My mother completely disowned her own family so I know she can easily throw family away. Shes also given my half brother up for adoption. He is 5 now. Im scared she will do the same to me (not adoption Im too old for that but disown me) or I will to her one day after being fed up with all her crap.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

Some of this is so painful just to read,let alone live it. Outcast69 - I can only wonder if your mom has some serious mental problems - she doesn't even sound like a human being. I hope you realize how damaged she must be - her life must be torture. Glad you're strong enough to move on and not let it prevent you from living.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

No. However, as I neared adulthood, she became so. I am even more cold and distant than she is. I never miss family members; it's not part of my make up.


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## Jayseph (Dec 21, 2008)

My mum is the kind of person that loves kids when they're small and cute but but once they're past the stage of being young and adorable they're just a burden to her. I used to try to start conversations with her and she would 'shh', 'tisk', 'sigh' and roll her eyes at me like it was some kind of criminal offense for me to speak in her presence. Once she was done working all she wanted to do was read the paper, watch tv or go out with her friends. She'd spend hours on afternoons having her friends over to talk to but she couldn't spare a minute to talk to me. Only time she ever really engaged me was to criticize me and say all the horrible things she thought about me. She left my dad and me about a year and a bit ago now and honestly I couldn't be happier to see the back of her, I've not spoken to her since and look forward to a life without her. SA and depression is enough to deal with without having to be around someone like that all the time.


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## Thomas Paine (Mar 29, 2008)

Banzai said:


> Yes although I think it was due to culture...I think parents in asian culture aren't as close to their kids/to each other as parents in the Western culture. My parents have never hugged/kissed me (or each other for that matter). I sometimes even wonder how they came to have kids since intimacy isn't practised in asian cultures (holding hands for example, was only recently heard of in the younger generations).
> Perhaps due to culture, I have come to accept and even enjoy her distantness as it allowed me to have greater freedom during my childhood - I could read for hours without any interruptions whilst she was preoccupied with doing housework (which as a child, I always remembered her doing 24/7). My parents were pretty much the type that "let their kids get on with it".
> Although saying that, due to her distantness, I became very close to my brother which I think made up for it. I don't know what it would have been liked if I had been an only child.


Just curious - did you grow up in Japan, or always live in the UK? Part of the reason I'm curious is that my family hosted a female Japanese exchange student when I was a kid.


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## Shauna The Dead (Jun 16, 2005)

Not at all!


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## Banzai (Jun 4, 2009)

Thomas Paine said:


> Just curious - did you grow up in Japan, or always live in the UK? Part of the reason I'm curious is that my family hosted a female Japanese exchange student when I was a kid.


Lol - sorry for the confusion but I'm not Japanese but I have an interest in Japanese culture - hence the username. (I'm actually Vietnamese but the culture is pretty similar I guess).
And yes, I was born and bred in the UK .


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## KyleThomas (Jul 1, 2009)

Yes.

But then she emigrated to Antarctica when I was two years old, so it's hardly suprising really.


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## dirty rich (Aug 21, 2009)

yes


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## Iced Soul (Jan 28, 2009)

Jayseph said:


> *My mum is the kind of person that loves kids when they're small and cute but but once they're past the stage of being young and adorable they're just a burden to her. I used to try to start conversations with her and she would 'shh', 'tisk', 'sigh' and roll her eyes at me like it was some kind of criminal offense for me to speak in her presence. Once she was done working all she wanted to do was read the paper, watch tv or go out with her friends. She'd spend hours on afternoons having her friends over to talk to but she couldn't spare a minute to talk to me. Only time she ever really engaged me was to criticize me and say all the horrible things she thought about me.* She left my dad and me about a year and a bit ago now and honestly I couldn't be happier to see the back of her, I've not spoken to her since and look forward to a life without her. SA and depression is enough to deal with without having to be around someone like that all the time.


That sounds so much like my own mother, it's scary.


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## blueblu (Feb 25, 2009)

My mom was and still is my best friend. We share a lot of the same personality traits, including some of the social anxieties. She's a lot better at hiding it than I am though. Probably because of her age and experience.


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## TheDaffodil (Jun 20, 2009)

My mother had social anxiety. My father was the cold and distant one. He's not that way now though. He grew up.


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## untouchable (Sep 11, 2009)

I think my parents became kind of distant and wanted to get rid of me once I turned 15. I hated my brother and my dad. My dad said he is ashamed of me because I'm not big and strong like him--he said I shouldn't even be called a man. But he's kind of schitzo from his dad. But they were the only family I could see--my grandparents never wanted to see me and my aunts and uncles are drunks or religious nuts I can't stand. 

But I got away from them and I'm fine not seeing any of them. Good friends can be just as good and family.


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## epril (Mar 24, 2009)

My mom was not cold, nice but I think depressed and fearful and not very capable of helping me although she tried. Not a strong person, anxious. She's a wonderful caretaker and host though. She hugged me, told me she loved me, told me I could be whatever I wanted if I believed in myself. What I'm trying to say though is she couldn't protect me from my abusive father. So, her love and affection and messages of praise were stifled by my fathers daily verbal abuse. She was too weak. She would excuse what my father did and tell me not to get in his way. I'm much stronger and more social than she is. 

With my own kids, I have struggled a lot with depression, so I have been distant. I hate that and have a lot of guilt over it. I have, however, made a strong effort to give my kids a happy childhood, no negatives. lots of sincere praise, hugs, not too many kisses, because I feel ugly, I work at being emotionally close to them, even though it's has been hard because a lot of the time I feel inadequate and want to be left alone.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

This is along the lines of something that I have given much thought to recently.

When you are born and are growing up, in my opinion until about eight years old, you are or should be, given approval. Approval for your achievements such as standing, walking, pulling yourself up, solving a puzzle, doing something funny like making a face - all the little things that add up to achievements in the world of children. Approval, self-confidence, self worth - _it all comes from an external source._

During this time, we are meant to take that approval and the self worth and confidence that comes with it, and internalize it - it becomes a part of us, who we are. We look for it even as children. It's_ instinct._

If we do not get this, we continue to look for it outside of ourselves _because it is instinctual to do so_, but it is too late for that - that chance for an _external _source has passed.

If we do not get this vital confidence in the proper way, it exacerbates and / or causes all sorts of problems, SA included among many others.

Once the chance for the proper external source has passed, we must go against instinct and generate it ourselves from within.

It is difficult, but i also believe it is very possible to do so, with a willingness to tolerate discomfort and a willingness to put in the hard work.

I'm sure I sound as if I have strayed off topic, but I don't think I have, really. All this is tied together.


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## leomouse (Dec 1, 2008)

my mom was very loving and affectionate, but she was always stressed out. my dad, on the other hand was not in my life for half of my life. he's in my life now but i find him to be overly critical of me and very distant, i'm pretty sure he has SA.

it's sad to hear that some people weren't given enough love as children and that obviously had a huge impact but i think we have to take responsibility from now on and not blame our parents, that's the only way to regain control.


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## leonardess (Jun 30, 2009)

leomouse said:


> it's sad to hear that some people weren't given enough love as children and that obviously had a huge impact but i think we have to take responsibility from now on and not blame our parents, that's the only way to regain control.


^absolutely necessary.


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## CrunchyFrog (Sep 3, 2009)

Yes. . . and the most negative person I have ever known to date. I'm not sure she is capable of being happy although Dad claims she was 'fun' when they got married. I get the impression her childhood was pretty bad and she hasn't gotten past seeing herself as the victim. I think she would have been more content with life if she hadn't had children.


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## NaturalLogOfZero (Sep 29, 2010)

my mother? no

My father? to the extreme


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## i need (Feb 28, 2013)

*my life so far*



Still Waters said:


> Or perhaps I should say your primary caregiver when growing up?


i just joined this because i googled someting that i had a dream of n this appeard so im goin to tell use all my story and still going so far,,
I grew up with my grandparents since im a baby supposly my mother was there wen i was a baby but i don't really remember,at the time it was me my cousin and my two grandparents we were poor and they were very old fashion with us,,anyway bk to the story my cousin he was there too because he was lrft there because hes mother left but she came bk after 2 years n she lived with her new husband just minutes away so he had the mother there wen needed she was always taking him evrywere while i was waiting wondering wen is my mum goin to come for me,she left my country with her english husband they started a family toghter n had elizabeth,the first few years she was gone she was visiting me once a year then after she dint visit me for like 2 3 years till one day i saw my nanny so happy sayin come here quick i ran to c what it is,i get into the living room n my nanny looked at me and she sayd look who it is n i looked it was a woman but it was aculay my mam n i didnt recognize her,,my nanny was saying thats ur mother thats ur mother give her a kiss,,i had no feeling at all for her because it was like kissing a stranger,then she left to go work again then as i grew older i was realizeng more n more wats goin on she visted me again once evryyear,till one day she came n i was trowing rocks at her because i had so much anger like why doesnt she care abaut me why is she not with me,,so then wen she left again i wasnt speaking to her n she came over n grabed my face n looked at me in d eyes n she sayd im never ever coming to c u again,,n i just watched her go,i wss only 6 or 7 years old,,,when i turned 11 years old she decided to come bk for me i was nearly 12,,she took me with her to ireland so it was a big step for me i was happy but yet again my grandperants sayd to me u dont have to go if u dont want to to me n they were very upset wen she took me but i went because..i aculy dont know y i went,,wen i got to ireland i thought that it wud be all good until i find out that the english guy was beating her alot and coming in drunk all d time,i was put in school wit my step sis elizabeth,,and eventualy my mam left the crazy english man n she found a nice person which he is nice to her but this new guy evryting is different through out all them years i been thriugh alot n its still happening im 24 now and she is so distant to me its like she hates me so so much wen i turned 18 she sayd if i dont get a job il be kiked out of the house so i got a job in a warehouse n left them they were down the country i dint hear much from them at all i was 18 n i found it so hard on my own,,i never had a dad to raise me he was gone supposly wen she was pregnant,he now has his own big family and my mam has another 2 kids with the nice guy evryone is treated nicley exept me,,i got in with the wrong crowd so dat left me to owe lots of money aswell i have so much going in my head its hard to explayn wen u only have one thing and that one thing doesnt give a **** abaut you,,and she once sayd to me wen we got into a argument never to come even to her grave..i am mentally anggerd by evryting that i went through i get angry easyly i have a good girlfriend but its affecting us aswell over wats goin on with me,,i finished my leaving cert but i never got told to study or wot do i wanna du wen im older i never got to do anyting because no one told me to i had no one to help me wen i nned it most,,now im stuck in a bad job i bearly smile,,i just wonder why wud god make my life so bad
thanks for anyone that read my story


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## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

Primary caregiver, I'd say so. I think we were more at odds with one another when I was younger, but I can't say that she's ever been cold and distant.


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## Hamster12 (Jun 11, 2012)

To I need: that is one of the sorriest stories i've ever heard. You had no luck in your life. I'm going to pray that your luck will change, you are still young so maybe if you can accept that you were dealt a bad hand and it wasnt your fault you will be able to move on and make something of your life. Try to find an outlet for the anger like boxing or running. You need to let it out.

And I thought i had it bad! I dont remember ever being hugged or kissed or even cuddled next to on the couch by either of my parents. But they were there at least.


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## marcv2013 (Feb 27, 2013)

My mom cared but emotionally there was no connection. Same with my dad. That's one of the worst things I'm not good at, connecting with people.


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## ShadyGFX (Jul 18, 2012)

I've only been living with her for a couple of years and for the whole time she has been EXTREMELY cold and distant. The only time she talks to me is when she wants something. 
As for my father, he's so distant, I've only ever seen him once.


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## Hamster12 (Jun 11, 2012)

marcv2013 said:


> My mom cared but emotionally there was no connection. Same with my dad. That's one of the worst things I'm not good at, connecting with people.


I'm the same, both my parents cared in that I was in their care, but there was no real emotional bonding. And I have always had problems connecting with people, except when under the influence of alcohol. Maybe I didn't get enough cuddles as a baby...I think my mom may have had post-natal depression with me too...awww


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

No, my mother was cold and furious all the time. "You're just a little ****ing ****," she used to say, and I'd hide under my bed hoping not to get whacked with a wooden spoon.


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## TryingMara (Mar 25, 2012)

No, my dad was.


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## Nitrogen (Dec 24, 2012)

No. My mother is probably the sweetest person I know. 
My dad's a bit of a hardass, but he's changed a bit and he's definitely a better person now. He used to be kind of a dick towards me. But my mum, never.


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## CrossedOut (Dec 16, 2012)

Yes my mom is cold and distant. She never wants hugs or kisses(neither do I) and does not like any affection from nobody. My grandfather is also like this, so I guess she was raised like that. I also dislike affection so it's ok with me.I know my mom loves me though.


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## dair (Jan 23, 2013)

Both of my parents tried to raise me differently from how they were raised because they were raised pretty terribly. My dad succeeded, my mom tried, but still stuck to a lot of the methods she learned as a kid. She was very loving when I was sick, because we have the same disease, but for a while things were pretty bad between us. Then things got much worse and I hated her. And after she lost a lot of her power over me she later became very loving and supportive, which I'm not sure I can respect or believe at all.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

No, my mom is amazing. She would do anything for me and I for her, even though we have our disagreements. I love her.


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## totalloner (Jan 29, 2013)

No but she was very shy and socially anxious. Like an affectionate loving person trapped inside an uptight conservative body. I think Mum could have been potentially the most affectionate person in our family but something in her unconscious or religious upbringing held her back.


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## ShyFX (Mar 6, 2006)

My mom could not have been more warm and loving. She's the best.


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## JerkusMaximus (Feb 21, 2012)

No. My mother is an angel...always a shoulder to cry on and someone I take comfort in talking to even now.


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

No, not at all.

This is one of the reasons I should never have kids. They would answer 'yes'.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

yes. she was never a typical motherly over attentive and warm person. she's also got more distant after she divorced my father and tends to be very conditional. but I understand why now i'm older and have some understanding about her upbringing.


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## mooncake (Jan 29, 2008)

Yep. I have few memories of her ever being very affectionate or warm. I'm not sure if she was always that way, but I suspect that over time and because of events that happened, she gradually became more distant and cold. Considering the way she normally is, it's baffling sometimes to try to understand why she ever decided to have kids. She certainly doesn't fit the stereotypical 'motherly' type.

I think she does care, deep down, but it's just easier for her to be dismissive. She's not a bad person essentially, but she hasn't been supportive where she could have been and that's been quite upsetting for me, especially because I no longer have any other family or friends around. It's weird for me to think that many people have close relationships with their parent/s. In some ways, my mum's like a stranger to me. What's worrying is that there are some definite parallels between us in terms of our behaviour - whilst she doesn't have SA she, like me, doesn't really have any friends (she seems social enough at her workplace, but she never sees work friends outside of there) and suffers from depression and a lack of motivation.


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## totalloner (Jan 29, 2013)

Not cold just trapped in an SA body like me sometimes.


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