# what's eating me right now



## Ja09 (May 11, 2013)

I feel very insecure right now, i'm marching this May and will be leaving uni. I feel very scared and confused and helpless. There are days I wake up feeling highly anxious. My anxiety used to be because I'm just extremely shy, like other SAers, i'm afraid I might get judged for not being 'perfect' or not being good enough--well, guess what, i am still not enough. I used to flee from being praised or even just get noticed at all. Now, I silently and desperately crave for anybody's validation. 

I hate the way I look. Only because i ruined myself, i picked on my skin feeling for imperfections, in so doing I created more imperfections. Now I have these dark scars on my skin and I struggle to hide, afraid that if they see it they will think that I am filthy, disgusting, contagious, and that I have no care at all when in fact the reason for my skin picking is because I care so so much. I cry some nights because I can't stop picking on myself.


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## farfegnugen (Aug 16, 2010)

I seriously doubt that your scars are as noticeable as you believe. The mind tends to magnify imperfections, which everyone has, disproportionately. You end up seeing yourself through a fun house mirror. You do need to find some help to quit picking though. Maybe try wearing gloves at night if you can't help yourself. I am guessing that I probably have more scars than you have and most of mine aren't that obvious really. I played sports and fought and did some dumb stuff, especially when I was a kid. And congrats on graduating. That's a big accomplishment.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

^ Dudeeeee, I unconsciously pick my skin like until there's nothing to pick anymore! It's amazing how it heals itself after maybe 6 months... and I'm left with this discolored spot and some granny hair growing from it. Well, lotion can help smooth your skin but still, there will be another day for picking. Dermatillomania it's called, a body focused repetitive behavior, yes I HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! It's an impulse compulsive control disorder. No problem, I just can't stop. 

Life is beautiful when you just accept yourself and don't label yourself, just be. I am sad sometimes when I look in the mirror, I wonder how so many women have such beautiful faces and I deserve to have too, but I don't. Doesn't matter as long as you accept and don't beat yourself up for something you can't fvcking control cuz it makes you feel good/takes away anxiety/stress. Everyone has some form of addiction that they can't stop, at least you're self mutilating and not harming someone else like drunk driving or drug driving.

I use make-up. Works well. Don't worry so much about the scars, the majority of people will think you had really bad acne when you were a teenager and still do. That's what I think that they think. There's other people who can hide all sorts of things with cosmetics and they don't feel any need to beat themselves up. Whatever, all I know is all my picking on my face only came from acne in the first place, otherwise I would have no need to mutilate my fvcking face in the first place!


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## sad1231234 (Jul 10, 2016)

Seems like you are very self conscious about your looks. What helps is to just not care about other people's opinions. Ignore any thoughts that make you feel anxious.


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## Ja09 (May 11, 2013)

sad1231234 said:


> Seems like you are very self conscious about your looks. What helps is to just not care about other people's opinions. Ignore any thoughts that make you feel anxious.


Yeah, I used to not care as much but then my family constantly made me to


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## Ja09 (May 11, 2013)

farfegnugen said:


> I seriously doubt that your scars are as noticeable as you believe. The mind tends to magnify imperfections, which everyone has, disproportionately. You end up seeing yourself through a fun house mirror. You do need to find some help to quit picking though. Maybe try wearing gloves at night if you can't help yourself. I am guessing that I probably have more scars than you have and most of mine aren't that obvious really. I played sports and fought and did some dumb stuff, especially when I was a kid. And congrats on graduating. That's a big accomplishment.


I appreciate you trying to uplift my esteem, but i know they are highly noticeable because of hyperpigmentation. I will do thst advice--the gloves thing. My skin picking have lessened lately but I need to heal the scars too, people give me looks because of it and I feel even more conscious


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## Ja09 (May 11, 2013)

SwtSurrender said:


> ^ Dudeeeee, I unconsciously pick my skin like until there's nothing to pick anymore! It's amazing how it heals itself after maybe 6 months... and I'm left with this discolored spot and some granny hair growing from it. Well, lotion can help smooth your skin but still, there will be another day for picking. Dermatillomania it's called, a body focused repetitive behavior, yes I HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! It's an impulse compulsive control disorder. No problem, I just can't stop.
> 
> Life is beautiful when you just accept yourself and don't label yourself, just be. I am sad sometimes when I look in the mirror, I wonder how so many women have such beautiful faces and I deserve to have too, but I don't. Doesn't matter as long as you accept and don't beat yourself up for something you can't fvcking control cuz it makes you feel good/takes away anxiety/stress. Everyone has some form of addiction that they can't stop, at least you're self mutilating and not harming someone else like drunk driving or drug driving.
> 
> I use make-up. Works well. Don't worry so much about the scars, the majority of people will think you had really bad acne when you were a teenager and still do. That's what I think that they think. There's other people who can hide all sorts of things with cosmetics and they don't feel any need to beat themselves up. Whatever, all I know is all my picking on my face only came from acne in the first place, otherwise I would have no need to mutilate my fvcking face in the first place!


Yeah this is exactly what I do. It all aggravated when i was writing and researching for my thesis. Couldn't stop or control it, I felt like i was in a trance 'til there was blod on my nails and fingers


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Ja09 said:


> I appreciate you trying to uplift my esteem, but i know they are highly noticeable because of hyperpigmentation. I will do thst advice--the gloves thing. My skin picking have lessened lately but I need to heal the scars too, people give me looks because of it and I feel even more conscious


You can dab some neosporin on the wounds and also dab with chamomile tea and use scar creams, I think scarZone works a little. I just let them heal on their own, but sunshine and skin foods help too.


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## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

My grandmother is in a terminal stage. My parents are the only thing i have left. I'm an only child and they had me quite late, my dad was in his mid 40's and my mom in her late 30's. Have no family of my own, no home (not owned anyway, we rent so i feel quite insecure about it, imagine if my aging parents and i can't afford to pay rent anymore). I feel that my solitude will end up killing me eventually.


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## Ja09 (May 11, 2013)

max87 said:


> My grandmother is in a terminal stage. My parents are the only thing i have left. I'm an only child and they had me quite late, my dad was in his mid 40's and my mom in her late 30's. Have no family of my own, no home (not owned anyway, we rent so i feel quite insecure about it, imagine if my aging parents and i can't afford to pay rent anymore). I feel that my solitude will end up killing me eventually.


Hi Max. I am very sorry to hear this. Compared to your problem right now mine is very little. If you need someone to talk about your worries and insecurities, you can PM me as I am a fairly good listener. We really musn't resign ourselves to morbid self-preoccupation. We need to expel it out sometimes to strangers even.

P. S I love Pessoa


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