# Do you sometimes feel family dynamics caused your SA



## Dan the man (Jul 4, 2013)

Like for example maybe your parents were the type who noticed everything, so that made you more self conscious. Or you felt like with your family your voice was never heard.

In short do you feel you were just doomed to have anxiety issues?


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## Jammer25 (Feb 22, 2014)

My parents were (and are) overbearing and need to know anything and everything I do. Where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, what time I'm doing it and when I'll be back. I think that really engrained a sense of indecisiveness and anxiety in me, as though I couldn't be independent and had to let them know everything instead of just living my own life.

One of my brothers also dominates a lot of social situations, so I'm often left quiet on the side more often than not. It can get to the point where I don't even feel like trying to socialize when he's around, since he almost always carries the conversation and such.


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## TillLindemann (Jun 27, 2014)

Yes! Ever since I was a small child I've felt that I was never good enough for my parents' approval, and that I never could (nor will be able to) make them happy. They must be ashamed of me and I completely internalized such thoughts for years. Its impossible to get out of this state of mind. I feel like I AM a mistake and flaw to them, and I even remember wishing that I'd be more like other childhood friends (well, I still wish I'd be different in many ways), cause everyone else seemed to be proud of them and I assumed that my parents wished that I would've been the same way  My parents mostly just pointed out criticisms to me and never any compliments, which only served to further cement these feelings..
SO, I think that most of my SA developed because I've always believed that everyone would think lowly of me the same way I do of myself, and so I got too self conscious and ashamed


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## Rayzada (Jul 31, 2014)

Yes. My dad is kinda controlling. I grew up afraid of him. With him and my mom, I remember mostly criticism over positive feedback. My mom always picked on my appearance. My brother always made fun of me and embarrassed me - I think he believed 'thats what brothers are supposed to do.' And they all have expectations of me that I don't seem to meet. 

It partially makes me sad - home is where you should get love and support, and a child should feel safe there. But all their negativity has stayed in my mind for years.


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## SuperSaiyanGod (Jan 21, 2014)

My dad is a controlling asshat. And I too grew up afraid of him. I always felt less masculine around him. I still kinda do. His wife didn't like me, and he and her always fought when ever I visited him. So yes, family dynamics played a big role in my SA. I don't think we're doomed though. Despite your upbringing (in most situations) you can rise above the a&*holes god deemed it necessary for you to be related to.


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## WanderingMind001 (May 4, 2014)

*sigh* It's been said by psychologists and others that it's wrong to put blame on certain people for how you are today, family/parents included. For a large part of my past that's all I did and held grudges to them as well. Then I went through a period of indifference. Yeah I thought my parents gave me problems but at the same time the dynamics were not intentional in their parts. Nowadays, I can't really bring myself to feel deeply attached to them nor my heritage :/ I'm trying though along with solving other issues. Although, I admit this one I am not working on as hard as I am on other issues.


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## ajwilson99 (Aug 6, 2014)

My parents weren't particularly overbearing, but my dad suffers from severe anxiety and panic attacks. He takes a million different pills every day. Depression is a common genetic trait on both sides of my family. I hadn't had much of a problem before this year, when I lost my first real relationship. I think I had the predisposition for depression and anxiety, but it was mostly dormant until the break up triggered it. Now I'm in therapy and taking anti depressants, still terrified about little things that wouldn't have bothered me before.


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## fm5827 (Mar 7, 2011)

Yeah definitely my family is a bit of a mess really (my immediate family that is). None of us really like each other, as a result we never really did things as a family when I was younger (like going to the park/family trips etc.) so I was very sheltered and in the school holidays I would pretty much just stay inside all day playing playstation or something.


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## sh55la79 (Aug 18, 2014)

Did my childhood upbringing make me into the person I am today? Absolutely.

My Mom was always at work, so when my siblings and I were young we spent a lot of time with our Dad... he was not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally, yes he was. He was always furious at us for some reason or another, yelling and cursing and throwing things and punching holes in the walls. I never understood why he had kids since we were so 'troublesome'. On top of that, the man is a hoarder, so I was always too humiliated to try and have any friends come over, so I became more and more socially isolated. My Dad has mellowed out a lot as he's gotten older, he still has outbursts, but it's not every minute of every day anymore. I don't know, I guess I got used to keeping people at a distance and now I don't know how to get past my fear.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

It contributed.


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## psychotoxic (Aug 5, 2014)

to this very day and it keeps getting worse. it all comes down to conditioning from my perspective.


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## anxious around others (Aug 22, 2014)

what's funny is my eating disorder and insecurities are 100% due to my parents and my dad has the audacity to say "you have to stop blaming others eventually" or "you have to grow up and learn that its not your parents fault"....



like really..


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## NiamhB (Aug 10, 2014)

My family definitely caused my Sa and left me with no confidence and really low self esteem.


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## perchancetodream (Feb 16, 2014)

I grew up in a family where I was expected to do great things. I had to be the best in school, the best in art, the best behaved. I felt like I was constantly being observed by my relatives, family friends and people at school to see whether I could live up to the expectations. It was a matter of family honor.


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## Asha1985 (Aug 23, 2014)

My mother has always been extremely critical of me, even going as far as to tell me on several occasions that I am a complete waste. A lot of my problems stem from her.


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## 525826 (Aug 29, 2014)

I want to blame a lot of my self confidence problems on them, but I can't. Even without words, I know they don't mean harm and would wish me to be happy over sad anyday.


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## schen5 (Apr 27, 2014)

Yup pretty much. My parents influence me in subtle but very strong ways, sometimes I feel like I don't have a mind of my own and I just do what I think will garner approval from my parents (and from strangers whom I project the same type of attention seeking). While its usually not intentional its just they way they were raised, as children, and that is what they have passed down. I try not to get too mad about it and instead just mitigate the influence they have on me (and get out of the house whenever possible).


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## nebulaghost (Feb 18, 2014)

Yeah, and I wish they were dead.


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## Nessie91 (Jan 5, 2012)

I believe at times, my Mother especially, was far too cautious. Sometimes she made me think the world is a dangerous place (yes I know it is), but not everyone out there is out to get you or has bad intentions. Because of this I don't trust people.

I also feel I need approval from my parents before I do _anything_. I can't make my own decisions...I am use to being told what to do.


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## 525826 (Aug 29, 2014)

Niu said:


> I won't blame my parents for having a horrible child like me. I'll blame them for meeting each other. They have separated and they seriously hate each other.
> Mom has said it so many times that she hates my dad, she says so many bad thing about him. I still have to admit that I love her more and I live with her. I can't live without her, I'll never be able to live alone.
> I think my dad is fake. He smiles a lot and never says bad things about my mom, but there's that one tone in his voice when he talks about her. I'm sure he hates her just as much.
> This is why everything I do with my dad is a huge problem. Me and my sister must visit our dad once in a while and I'm always so depressed there. And now that I'm going on a holiday with dad, his new wife and her daughter, my mom is trying to be as unsupportive as possible. She won't even get my sunglasses fixed when she knows I can't get it done alone, and dad lives in other town.
> ...


I sort of know what you are going through. My parents argue/fight a lot and it gets intense sometimes. Once when I was in 7th grade, my mom got the kitchen knife. I reacted and ran to grab her knife. And we (me, dad, mom) all kind of just struggled and she just dropped the knife in the sink. Nothing happened and she just did it because she was desperate during that moment of anger. I used to perform rituals to try prevent them from fighting when I was little. I learned after high school, those things do not work. I even had a health scare during the middle of high school - I personally think those anxious feelings I went through caused it. Again, nothing happened from that health scare - it was ... minor haha. What I realized though is that you should not get involved. The problem is between them not you. I'm glad your parents are not married anymore (Mine still are. They still fight. It's not as bad as before. If they are gonna start doing those crazy fights again, I'm leaving.) At least your parents have a chance to start over without trying to fix that past. And believe me, fixing the past... is a long painful process. I wasn't the best kid either and my parents both lost respect for me. I was trying to get on their good side, but instead, I'm just focusing on living my own life and moving on in a positive way. Hopefully, my parents will catch on, but it's not a requirement for me. I just want to be happy with what I do with my life. I hope they sort their problems out too, but if they don't...I don't have a problem with it because it was their choice - not mine.


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## 7th.Streeter (May 11, 2011)

My parents weren't horrible. They loved me a lot.
But, I can see how SA and anxiety in general was passed down.
My mom was shy and bookwormish when young..my dad too but at a certain age they both shed their shells and became really outgoing etc.

Also , I feel my dad may have a slight illness just lurking beneath. Now, at the age of 50-ish...
he talks to himself ( not legit crazy..but he talks aloud to himself and sometimes answer) when ever he hears something he tiptoes to the peep hole and looks out it for a bit.

but he doesn't experience psychosis of any kind, no fantasies/hallucinations..etc
I think he dodged that bullet) 

but after examining my own parents, it wouldnt be hard not to see how I am the way ..

TBH, I don't think they could have produced an extroverted child if they wanted to...me and my brother as are just, genetically inclined toward introversion. 

Ah well.


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## Charlieisnotcool (Jul 10, 2014)

Yeah,my mum worried so much about me and she suffered from depression when I was 1 so I feel like I was the problem.


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## zero 7 (Sep 15, 2014)

I never had it as bad as some people here but it sure contributed towards it, I was put up against other people and made out to be the inferior one and sometime I would get nasty comments about my dress or hairstyle


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Definitely.

My family don't talk about negative stuff, they always try to put on a perfect happy façade, except for my mum. 

Shes always negative and brings everyone else down around her and is critical. I don't blame her entirely cos I know she really has had to deal with a lot of crap over the last 5 years or so, but I mean, my whole life she was seriously over protective and would point out all my flaws, making me feel very small, childish and insecure, even now. Im 21 and my mum makes me feel like a child cos she questions everything I do and tries to control me, and I feel like when she questions me, I start to question me too after awhile.. 

Also when I was a kid, if I talked too much, she would scream and shout at me in public to shut up!!

She never said "please, calm down your voice, dear"

Whenever I see mothers with their young children (even when the child is being bratty, which I never was cos I was a very quiet child..) tell them nicely and politely things and stroke their hair and smile at them, I feel envious cos ive never been close to my mum, even tho I know she loves me... she has a weird way of showing it. She doesn't even give me 5 minutes of undivided attention, she just tells me to be quiet and stop annoying her!! For this reason, my self esteem plummets.

Even my dad puts me as his 100000th priority. I see him maybe once every 6 months and even tho he says hes proud of me, its like he always wants me to achieve more..??? Not just happy with what ive got going for now.

so yes, I definitely think a large portion of my SA comes from family.


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

Nessie91 said:


> I believe at times, my Mother especially, was far too cautious. Sometimes she made me think the world is a dangerous place (yes I know it is), but not everyone out there is out to get you or has bad intentions. Because of this I don't trust people.
> 
> I also feel I need approval from my parents before I do _anything_. I can't make my own decisions...I am use to being told what to do.


 So true....


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## silverstreak (Sep 10, 2013)

Yeah I get constantly criticized for everything I do. That has led to me feeling embarrassed about just about everything. Only in recent years have I been able to openly disagree with their backwards views. 

Judgmental *** family.


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## Dreamingdreams (Mar 18, 2014)

i think my parents also kind of struggled with it too, they were both kinda misfits...also, they make a big deal whenever theres something that comes up in my social life, or when i get a new friend...my sister doesn't have SA, and she's kinda popular and has a lot more friends than I do. and now they show off to other parents, saying how my sister is such a "social butterfly," when she's actually what a lot of people would consider "normal." just compared to me, shes queen bee


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## Dreamingdreams (Mar 18, 2014)

ya, and also reading everyone else's posts, I've actually just realized that my parents aren't the most positive people...maybe thats led to my SA?


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## gummybears (Oct 25, 2014)

yes because my mom pretty much has anxiety herself. not social, but general anxiety. she worries about me, my bro, and my dad way too much. so much that she takes care of everything for us, and that contributed to me being so dependent on her..its nice but at the same time, i don't get to live life on my own. i still feel like a child around her because she babies me


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## Satoni (Aug 20, 2014)

I definitely feel like my parents have impacted on my anxiety. Pre-SA, I was a child who was happy to talk to people, but I would end up saying embarrassing things and be more clumsy than an average kid. This usually got my mom really mad at me, which made me upset and in turn got her even angrier. When I became conscious of me possibly being an embarrassment for my parents in public, my anxiety skyrocketed and self-confidence gradually dropped, as I felt anything I said or did purposefully would cause them to get more annoyed with me.

The relationship between my mom and dad has had an effect as well; they are very passive-aggressive and tend to have heated arguments when they finally snap at each other, and I always had to tip-toe around them afterwards. 

I believe Philip Larkin said it best:

"They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you."


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## T Studdly (Jul 20, 2013)

It's my own fault for how i've proggressed but my Dad was always a jerk to me as a kid. They were both over protective and never took us many places because they either feared for our safety or feared racism. Plus I got hit if I was bad. This makes me hate slight touches and i'm always afraid. I know there hearts were in the right place but...

Also I think they're embarressed to take me out in publuc becaise of how I look/am.


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