# How to be totally honest in therapy?



## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half, every other week. It started off pretty well, but I feel like I've hit a wall recently. My problem is that, for a while now, I've been putting up a facade when I talk to her. I've started treating her the way I treat some of my family members. I fake it. I try to be funny. I even make her laugh sometimes. I find myself smirking and smiling while I talk to her. It's gotten to where I feel uncomfortable sharing my dark side with her. We talk about my day-to-day problems and some of my social blocks, but we're no longer hitting the deeper issues because I'm putting off the vibe that I've mostly erased them. I'm sitting up right now, in tears, miserable with myself, but I feel like I can't tell my therapist about this. Just like with everyone else, I've developed a fear of being real with her. She's right that my bouts with depression have become fewer since I started seeing her. But when they happen, they hit me hard, like right now.

I'm just curious if any of you are afraid to share the worst of your thoughts and feelings with your therapists. How do you do it? Or do you avoid it? A big part of my fear is showing real emotion. I know that if I become brutally honest, I will cry in front of her, and I've never done that. I hate for anyone to see me emotional. Only fake or nothing at all.

Another thing about her that bugs me is that when she comes to get me from the waiting room, she always says: "Hi, it's so good to see you! How are you?" And I always feel like I have to respond with: "I'm fine. How are you?" Because it's polite. But I'm not fine. It's her cheery greeting each session that throws me as well. Sometimes I think that, if I were a therapist, I would tone it down. Not that she should come in and treat me like I'm terminal, but don't act like we're good friends meeting for lunch.

And yes, it's partially my social anxiety getting in the way, because I often don't know how to respond to people when they talk to me. And this is one of those cases. If I'm honest, will she look down on me? Part of my SA is thinking that everyone hates me and/or thinks I'm weird, so I tend to avoid doing things that will make her think that. And I often feel that she doesn't like me, for no real reason except that I believe most people don't like me. So evidently having SA makes seeking treatment for SA (and depression and general anxiety) very difficult.


----------



## yesterdays (Dec 31, 2013)

I've been struggling with the exact same thing. I've been going for something like 9 months now (3 different therapists) and feel that I still haven't managed to really touch the deepest stuff with any of them. I've been getting closer though, which gives me some hope. I still may have something in mind I'd really like to talk about but I hold back and hide it. I'm very afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings and have been like that for a long time. Not only with therapists but people in general.


----------



## velocicaur (Aug 8, 2009)

It would not surprise me if your therapist knows you are putting on a cover.

Next meeting, I would have a real talk with her and tell her what is really going on. There is no point in going and spending money if you're just bull****ting together. 

I have found that they are most helpful when you just lay it out there. It is going to be really painful and perhaps embarrassing at times. Tears are likely to flow. They are trained to deal with this. This is a person who is indifferent to your situation and can provide you with insight on how to cope with them. There will be no judgements made against you.

Imo, you are doing yourself a disservice to yourself by not laying it all out there.


----------



## inthewater (Mar 1, 2014)

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Yeah, I know I need to do something because I find myself feeling frustrated the nights before I go to therapy. I don't want to go because I know it's just another time I'll be putting on an act, and I hate doing it.

Velo, you are probably right that she knows I'm not being entirely forthcoming. She is the second therapist I've seen, and she's far sharper than my first. I keep hoping that she will push me more to let it out, but she doesn't. She's waiting on me. I guess she thinks it's my choice, and she's right. Our sessions have become kind of superficial, and I need to do something because it is a waste of time and money to keep going the way we are.


----------



## Green Eyes (Sep 6, 2009)

I have never been totally honest with my therapists. Most just sucked. My last therapist was really good and I've shared a lot with her, but not everything. I never dared to tell her how worse my depression really was. I haven't spoken to her for about 6 months. But I need to. I need therapy for my depression. I have written an email, but I'm afraid to send it like that. I'm afraid she will think I'm a bad person. I care about what she'll think. I like her and the person she is.

But if you want the best therapy, it's important to be honest about everthing. Then your therapist can help you the best.


----------



## meffect (Oct 30, 2012)

every time i tell my pdoc the truth i get chewed the frick out. god i hate pdocs.


----------



## spiritsshinethrough (Oct 22, 2014)

I guess I'm one of the rare people who actually likes therapy. I've seen several different counselors and psychiatrists over the past few years, and I've never met one who I was uncomfortable with and didn't enjoy talking to. It's so, so easy compared to interaction with friends.


----------



## Rayzada (Jul 31, 2014)

Usually I can open up, gradually. Maybe it's a common thing to put up a front/facade for some with SA, and in some others, it isn't too much of a problem. There are variations of SA.

I find in telling the therapist what's really happening, it's a relief because they are there to listen and talk you through your problems and give you advice. And they are bound by their job to not disclose any information to anyone else (there should have been a document that was signed by you both). Everything should be confidential. They aren't there to judge, they are there to help. I know it must seem weird/scary telling such personal things to a stranger, but it is supposed to be very private. The relationship of a therapist and client should be protected and should feel safe, and based on trust.

Not telling the therapist what's really happening may prevent one from getting better. They can't help the patient if they don't really know what you're experiencing and feeling, nor are they mind-readers. I've cried in therapy more than once, and usually the person I'd be seeing will hand me a tissue, let me cry and will talk me through it. Crying feels bad at first but then it starts to feel good after awhile. I think it's better than holding it in.

Anyhow I hope this helps. You deserve to get support and the treatment you need


----------



## Lonelyfalcon (Apr 28, 2014)

Kinda reminds me once in school. Everybody had to go to the nurse and fill out some forum for how you feel towards the school, life. If you're using drugs pretty much anything. I filled it out wrong so they wouldn't call my parents etc. I've been to therapy a couple times when I was younger but I never told anybody about my deepest secrets.


----------



## darkhoboelf (Mar 3, 2013)

inthewater said:


> I've been seeing my therapist for about a year and a half, every other week. It started off pretty well, but I feel like I've hit a wall recently. My problem is that, for a while now, I've been putting up a facade when I talk to her. I've started treating her the way I treat some of my family members. I fake it. I try to be funny. I even make her laugh sometimes. I find myself smirking and smiling while I talk to her. It's gotten to where I feel uncomfortable sharing my dark side with her. We talk about my day-to-day problems and some of my social blocks, but we're no longer hitting the deeper issues because I'm putting off the vibe that I've mostly erased them. I'm sitting up right now, in tears, miserable with myself, but I feel like I can't tell my therapist about this. Just like with everyone else, I've developed a fear of being real with her. She's right that my bouts with depression have become fewer since I started seeing her. But when they happen, they hit me hard, like right now.
> 
> I'm just curious if any of you are afraid to share the worst of your thoughts and feelings with your therapists. How do you do it? Or do you avoid it? A big part of my fear is showing real emotion. I know that if I become brutally honest, I will cry in front of her, and I've never done that. I hate for anyone to see me emotional. Only fake or nothing at all.
> 
> ...


My advice is to share those deeper issues with her and let yourself cry in front of her.In my experience when you show the part of yourself that your most afraid to show,that's when you come to accept yourself more because someone else has accepted that side of you.And if they can accept that side of you then you'll know that that part of you is okay and you can accept it too.
As for how you do it.You do it awkwardly,you speak softly,you make weird faces,you don't make eye contact,your voice gets deep and scratchy.That's the only way you can do something that makes you uncomfortable.Those behaviors should be thought of as if they were the fear leaving your body and bring you to a state of relaxation and confidence in that situation.


----------



## sparklecat (Oct 24, 2014)

inthewater said:


> Another thing about her that bugs me is that when she comes to get me from the waiting room, she always says: "Hi, it's so good to see you! How are you?" And I always feel like I have to respond with: "I'm fine. How are you?" Because it's polite. But I'm not fine. It's her cheery greeting each session that throws me as well. Sometimes I think that, if I were a therapist, I would tone it down. Not that she should come in and treat me like I'm terminal, but don't act like we're good friends meeting for lunch..


This would bother me too. I would try telling her how her cheery greeting makes you feel like you have to respond in a fake, polite way. I know when someone comes on super happy it's hard to be the one to bring things down... so yeah, maybe her toning it down would be helpful. Just being a human and saying "Hey, how are you doing?" in a calm voice. It certainly couldn't hurt to draw her attention to this and may help her be a better therapist, and help you better..


----------



## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

meffect said:


> every time i tell my pdoc the truth i get chewed the frick out. god i hate pdocs.


Yeh, I went to see a therapist the other day, and once again my brutal honesty left me feeling utterly 'judged' and I left leaving 100x worse than when I went in.

Be truthful, so long as you aren't too truthful I guess :S


----------



## tarantula army (Oct 15, 2014)

I still can't share all of my problems with my therapist, but I can write most of them down on a sheet of paper and explain them that way. It is a lot easier to do that rather than actually telling her all of them. Just a suggestion. Writing them down can Also give you time to think and elaborate on them. You can also make sure you get all that you want to say out there.


----------



## 49erJT (Oct 18, 2010)

As you mentioned, I thought it was a waste of money unless I was totally honest with the therapist. 

One thing that helped me realize this was after a session ended I was so caught up in the emotion of what I was talking about and the therapist said "our time is up but let's reschedule your next visit". I got up and forgot to pay so the therapist said "do you mind paying me for today's visit."-(he and another therapist shared a office but didn't have a receptionist to do billing) 

I felt embarrassed that I forgot to pay but as I was leaving it occurred to me that for him this is just business. From then on I approached it the same way...as in I'm paying you therefore you work for me and I'll talk about whatever it is I want to and if I don't like you I'll replace you with someone better. It sort of empowered me to embrace total honesty in therapy and therefore eliminate the need to keep going once the issues was worked through.


----------



## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

How does one deal with addressing invasive thoughts?


----------



## Grac1e (Oct 28, 2014)

49erJT said:


> As you mentioned, I thought it was a waste of money unless I was totally honest with the therapist.
> 
> One thing that helped me realize this was after a session ended I was so caught up in the emotion of what I was talking about and the therapist said "our time is up but let's reschedule your next visit". I got up and forgot to pay so the therapist said "do you mind paying me for today's visit."-(he and another therapist shared a office but didn't have a receptionist to do billing)
> 
> I felt embarrassed that I forgot to pay but as I was leaving it occurred to me that for him this is just business. From then on I approached it the same way...as in I'm paying you therefore you work for me and I'll talk about whatever it is I want to and if I don't like you I'll replace you with someone better. It sort of empowered me to embrace total honesty in therapy and therefore eliminate the need to keep going once the issues was worked through.


This is a really good way of looking at it I think. I wish I'd taken this approach.

Before I gave up on therapy (about 3 weeks ago), I was never able to be totally honest with my shrinks. If I was ever honest about, say, how bad my depression was, they'd just start making me see them more often & restricting my medication repeats (i.e. making my life harder/not helping). I'm also so used to acting like I'm ok, it was too hard to just let that go in therapy.

I also absolutely hate talking about the hard stuff - where there's a lot of guilt/shame involved. E.g. I suffered a sexual assault in the past (which I know screwed me up a lot) & I never even mentioned it to a single therapist. Just too much shame there (I know that, objectively, that's nuts).

I think the problem was also, I had a tendency to pick male therapists on the basis that I tend to get along better with them, bc I think I tend to rely more on the left/logical side of my brain (i.e. my best plutonic friends have typically been guys). Which was really stupid bc therapy isn't friendship, it's therapy. I may have been less guarded with another female.

I have very little respect for shrinks though (at least the ones I saw), so I don't know if opening up to them would have really helped. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of therapy though, if you're not open/honest with them .


----------

