# My dad passed away today



## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

I've known it was coming for awhile, but I just refused to accept it. He had lung cancer, COPD and emphysema. What really sucks is that he had to spend the last weeks of his life in a nursing home an hour away because of all the machines he had to be hooked up to. I was driving over there several times a week, but he should have been here. 

The last few times I went he slept most of the time and I didn't want to disturb him, but I wish I would have said how I felt. We didn't always get along, but he's the only person that was ever always there for me. I'm about the biggest disappointment a parent could ever have, too. I'm alone now and I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just hope he knew how much he meant to me. I don't think I said it enough. I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore and be stuck in a bed and kept alive by machines, but I know he wasn't ready to go yet. He was a wonderful man and the best father I could have ever asked for. He will be missed.


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## Andres124 (Oct 23, 2012)

So sorry to hear that bro, it must be hard. I can't relate, but I'm sure you're going through pain. You mentioned you're alone, do you have siblings or your mom?


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

Sorry for your loss man.


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## extremly (Oct 25, 2012)

Hey OP I hope you are holding up well. When my Dad's mom died (my grandmother) he actually cried (something I have never seeing before) and I know it must be painful for you. My condolences.


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## JOHNNARDIL (Feb 4, 2014)

JH1983 said:


> I've known it was coming for awhile, but I just refused to accept it. He had lung cancer, COPD and emphysema. What really sucks is that he had to spend the last weeks of his life in a nursing home an hour away because of all the machines he had to be hooked up to. I was driving over there several times a week, but he should have been here.
> 
> The last few times I went he slept most of the time and I didn't want to disturb him, but I wish I would have said how I felt. We didn't always get along, but he's the only person that was ever always there for me. I'm about the biggest disappointment a parent could ever have, too. I'm alone now and I don't know what I'm going to do.
> 
> I just hope he knew how much he meant to me. I don't think I said it enough. I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore and be stuck in a bed and kept alive by machines, but I know he wasn't ready to go yet. He was a wonderful man and the best father I could have ever asked for. He will be missed.


This breaks my heart and brought a tear to my eye. I can relate.
I am so so so sorry 

John


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## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

I'm truly sorry you are now enduring this battle alone, and for your loss of the one person who is generally the archetypal beacon in life.

Don't feel bad about how you (or anyone else) perceives you in all of this. It's hard enough to deal with the sense of loss, and to amass the strength required to move forward. To demonstrate such strength simply by walking on provides the pillars upon which your spirit and worth is fortified. They will be your integral shoulder.

Stay strong, sir.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

Andres124 said:


> So sorry to hear that bro, it must be hard. I can't relate, but I'm sure you're going through pain. You mentioned you're alone, do you have siblings or your mom?


 Thank you. Yes, I still have my mom and she has another son, my half-brother, with her new husband, but I don't live with them. It's just going to be me here and the house feels empty. My dad was in the hospital and that nursing home for months, but I always hoped he might come back home, even if it was just to spend his last days here. My dad was the only person that was always there for me. My mom is great, but she's been living a new life with her new family and I've been here with my dad since I fell apart in my early 20's and moved back here permanently.



Jesuszilla said:


> Sorry for your loss man.


 Thank you.



soulcancer said:


> This breaks my heart and brought a tear to my eye. I can relate.
> I am so so so sorry
> 
> John


 Thank you, John. I do appreciate it.



extremly said:


> Hey OP I hope you are holding up well. When my Dad's mom died (my grandmother) he actually cried (something I have never seeing before) and I know it must be painful for you. My condolences.


 Thank you.



Railroad Cancellation said:


> I'm truly sorry you are now seemingly enduring this battle alone, and for your loss of the one person who is generally the archetypal beacon in life.
> 
> Don't feel bad about how you (or anyone else) perceives you in all of this. It's hard enough to deal with the sense of loss, and to amass the strength required to move forward. To demonstrate such strength simply by walking on provides the pillars upon which your spirit and worth is fortified. They will be your integral shoulder.
> 
> Stay strong, sir.


Thank you. Like I said above, my dad was always the one who was there for me, through all my poor decisions and failures. It's going to be tough without him. I wish we had more time.


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## lyssado707 (Oct 29, 2004)

I'm so scared of when I'll have to lose my dad that it's hard to see stuff like this, but you aren't alone. You have us SASers :hug


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## skys (Mar 14, 2014)

Reading this made me cry as I am terrified of losing my parents one day and being alone in this world. 

I hope you can stay strong and I'm really sorry for your loss.


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## WhatBITW (Jan 26, 2013)

Sorry to hear that, man. It must be extremely tough losing a close family member, but you're here talking about it calmly so that's a good start.


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## Diacetylmorphine (Mar 9, 2011)

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

*I know many people with this situation*

My brother and mum passed away a few years ago and I never got to speak to them beforehand. I know my Dad in his 80s might happen. I live my life in a county away from the family. My favourite auntie and most elderly of my mum's family have gone while I didn't get a chance to talk. Also a university friend and cat. Never witness to the illness of having final words. I think I want to benefit from being there to communicate. I want to see if something hurts and how. At least I know the reasons. Funerals are good times to praise people and find out more I didn't know about the people

Dad is doing well at that age and still smoking. I pushed emphysema to stop people smoking after a school course about its health ramifications.


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## AFoundLady (Feb 8, 2013)

Sorry for your loss Take care! *hugs*


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## eyes roll tears (Feb 1, 2014)

:hug:


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## aidenmoore (Aug 10, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say.


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## Antivirus (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm sorry for your loss!


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## Lonelyguy (Nov 8, 2003)

Sorry for your loss. My dad passed away on March 30th last year and I still miss him every day.


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## RoveRanger (Apr 16, 2013)

My deepest condolences. I'm sure he knew you loved him, some things don't need to be expressed in words in order to know they're true.


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## Brisby (Nov 17, 2013)

I'm really sorry.


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## jim11 (May 23, 2011)

Hang in there...Be strong buddy.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

lyssado707 said:


> I'm so scared of when I'll have to lose my dad that it's hard to see stuff like this, but you aren't alone. You have us SASers :hug


 Thank you. My dad had been sick a long time, but he was always so strong that I felt like he was always going to be around. It's hard to believe.



skys said:


> Reading this made me cry as I am terrified of losing my parents one day and being alone in this world.
> 
> I hope you can stay strong and I'm really sorry for your loss.


 Thanks. It is scary. I am an adult, but I never started my own family and I've lived here for years with my dad and I do feel alone. He had been in the hospital and nursing home for months, but I always had some hope he might come back. Now things just don't seem right anymore.



WhatBITW said:


> Sorry to hear that, man. It must be extremely tough losing a close family member, but you're here talking about it calmly so that's a good start.


 Thanks. I'm trying to do anything but think about it, I guess. Several family members were here yesterday and I couldn't wait to be alone, but then when I was alone I just wanted to talk to someone.



Disarray said:


> I'm sorry for your loss.


 Thank you.



twitchy666 said:


> My brother and mum passed away a few years ago and I never got to speak to them beforehand. I know my Dad in his 80s might happen. I live my life in a county away from the family. My favourite auntie and most elderly of my mum's family have gone while I didn't get a chance to talk. Also a university friend and cat. Never witness to the illness of having final words. I think I want to benefit from being there to communicate. I want to see if something hurts and how. At least I know the reasons. Funerals are good times to praise people and find out more I didn't know about the people
> 
> Dad is doing well at that age and still smoking. I pushed emphysema to stop people smoking after a school course about its health ramifications.


 Thanks. My dad smoked for over 50 years and was also a welder and worked around asbestos. He finally quit smoking a few years ago when his breathing got too bad to allow it.



alostgirl said:


> Sorry for your loss Take care! *hugs*


 Thank you.



eyes roll tears said:


> :hug:


 Thanks.



aidenmoore said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say.


 Thank you. I never know what to say on the other side of these situations either.



Antivirus said:


> I'm sorry for your loss!


 Thank you.



In a Lonely Place said:


> I am really sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you at this time. Not many guys do well at vocalising it to their father's but I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.
> Take care.


 Thanks Mark. I hope he knew that. We weren't the types to talk about that stuff much over the years, but we got along well lately. He had to have seen what this was doing to me and I hope he knew even if we didn't talk about it much. It just feels like I should have said more or done more. When we tried to rush over there Friday and were too late, we went ahead and spent some time in his room with him. Even in there alone with him afterwards I had trouble saying some of the things I never said, but always wanted to. It's sad how conditioned some of us are to not say certain things out loud even when we want to so desperately. I hope he somehow knew them anyway.



Lonelyguy said:


> Sorry for your loss. My dad passed away on March 30th last year and I still miss him every day.


 Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss, too.



RoveRanger said:


> My deepest condolences. I'm sure he knew you loved him, some things don't need to be expressed in words in order to know they're true.


 Thank you. I really hope so.



Brisby said:


> I'm really sorry.


 Thank you.



jim11 said:


> Hang in there...Be strong buddy.


Thank you. I'm trying to.

Thank you, everyone. It really means a lot that you all took some time to say a few words. I really do appreciate it.


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## blue2 (May 20, 2013)

i'm really sorry to hear that, my father died 12 years ago from lung disease, he had been ill for some time before, found it really hard to breath, but it was a sudden death in the end, he worked with chemicals that damaged his lungs, home has never felt the same since, i never got to say goodbye or tell him anything i probably should have , my last words to him was about some mundane everyday thing....anyway sorry for your loss...


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

blue2 said:


> i'm really sorry to hear that, my father died 12 years ago from lung disease, he had been ill for some time before, found it really hard to breath, but it was a sudden death in the end, he worked with chemicals that damaged his lungs, home has never felt the same since, i never got to say goodbye or tell him anything i probably should have , my last words to him was about some mundane everyday thing....anyway sorry for your loss...


Thanks. Sorry to hear about your father as well. Yeah, it was a combination of smoking, welding rods and asbestos that got my dad sick. I don't feel like I said goodbye properly either. Last time I went to visit he was sleeping most of the visit and I didn't want to disturb him. He woke up and tried to tell me something (he couldn't talk), but he wouldn't write it down and finally gave up and went back to sleep. When I left I told him bye and that I loved him, but he just nodded his head and didn't open his eyes. I hope he heard me.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> I've known it was coming for awhile, but I just refused to accept it. He had lung cancer, COPD and emphysema. What really sucks is that he had to spend the last weeks of his life in a nursing home an hour away because of all the machines he had to be hooked up to. I was driving over there several times a week, but he should have been here.
> 
> The last few times I went he slept most of the time and I didn't want to disturb him, but I wish I would have said how I felt. We didn't always get along, but he's the only person that was ever always there for me. I'm about the biggest disappointment a parent could ever have, too. I'm alone now and I don't know what I'm going to do.
> 
> I just hope he knew how much he meant to me. I don't think I said it enough. I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore and be stuck in a bed and kept alive by machines, but I know he wasn't ready to go yet. He was a wonderful man and the best father I could have ever asked for. He will be missed.


Oh wow, I just read this. I am so sorry, man! This is tough!
He knew he meant something to you - sometimes, our bodies don't reflect that. I wouldn't think you were a disappointment if you were actively doing something to improve your life. You came out of a rough patch - that's a triumph.

If you really feel you need to talk to him, do it in a prayer. God'll get the message to him. From there, do what he would have wanted you to do.
I lost my father seven years ago (heart attack - it was VERY sudden, too!), and have grown by leaps and bounds since then - I had the same issue with the disappointment in the sense that he wouldn't get to see me get married and stuff, but he has seen me accomplish things - part of it, he HAD to have stepped in and made moves on my behalf. His birthday is March 31st, one of the days I mark by eating one of the foods my dad liked - either Chinese food (the last dinner we had together) or Taco Bell beef burritos :lol.

Grief will take you in weird directions, especially the first year after this kind of loss. Don't suppress the feelings.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> Thanks. Sorry to hear about your father as well. Yeah, it was a combination of smoking, welding rods and asbestos that got my dad sick. I don't feel like I said goodbye properly either. Last time I went to visit he was sleeping most of the visit and I didn't want to disturb him. He woke up and tried to tell me something (he couldn't talk), but he wouldn't write it down and finally gave up and went back to sleep. When I left I told him bye and that I loved him, but he just nodded his head and didn't open his eyes. I hope he heard me.


He heard you. I can get into this, too. I faced something like this with my grandmother.
He may not have been able to speak or write, but he heard you. Nodding is a response.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> Oh wow, I just read this. I am so sorry, man! This is tough!
> He knew he meant something to you - sometimes, our bodies don't reflect that. I wouldn't think you were a disappointment if you were actively doing something to improve your life. You came out of a rough patch - that's a triumph.
> 
> If you really feel you need to talk to him, do it in a prayer. God'll get the message to him. From there, do what he would have wanted you to do.
> ...


Thank you. Someone else said the same thing about living the way he would have wanted and you guys are right. I'm alternating between hope and hopelessness right now though. I'm going to have to grow up soon or be in a world of hurt.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> He heard you. I can get into this, too. I faced something like this with my grandmother.
> He may not have been able to speak or write, but he heard you. Nodding is a response.


He was awake earlier that day and I talked to him. I just feel like the last goodbye I said wasn't good enough, but then again, it probably wouldn't seem good enough no matter how it went.

We actually had a good laugh a few weeks ago when I was leaving the hospital in Springfield that he was at. It was the day after he had the tracheotomy done and couldn't talk anymore. He was trying to tell me something when I was leaving and it took me forever to figure out that he wanted me to take his cellphone home with me. I was hating that I had to leave and stalling and I asked if he didn't need his phone. He took the phone from me and started mouthing, "Hello? Hello?" into the phone like he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work and handed it to me and kind of smiled. I was almost in tears anyway and I couldn't believe he was cracking jokes right then and had to laugh myself. I'll always remember that.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> Thank you. Someone else said the same thing about living the way he would have wanted and you guys are right. I'm alternating between hope and hopelessness right now though. I'm going to have to grow up soon or be in a world of hurt.


 Understandable.
I was put literally in a sink or swim situation as I am still living in my house...he had just opened up a second mortgage on my house four months before he died (and had asked me to buy the house). It took six years to get them managed through the estate - that's one life lesson I learned from him. The second mortgage is still in his estate name (meaning they treat me as a debt collection target :lol)

For a period my anxiety spiked, but that was due to putting too much on myself and trying to get too much done in too little time. That's kind of what happened to my dad - he overworked himself because he was within weeks of retirement.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

JH1983 said:


> He was awake earlier that day and I talked to him. I just feel like the last goodbye I said wasn't good enough, but then again, it probably wouldn't seem good enough no matter how it went.
> 
> We actually had a good laugh a few weeks ago when I was leaving the hospital in Springfield that he was at. It was the day after he had the tracheotomy done and couldn't talk anymore. He was trying to tell me something when I was leaving and it took me forever to figure out that he wanted me to take his cellphone home with me. I was hating that I had to leave and stalling and I asked if he didn't need his phone. He took the phone from me and started mouthing, "Hello? Hello?" into the phone like he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work and handed it to me and kind of smiled. I was almost in tears anyway and I couldn't believe he was cracking jokes right then and had to laugh myself. I'll always remember that.


It was good enough - he heard you.
Do you have his cellphone? 
My dad was overjoyed about Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears being in the Super Bowl in 2007. Having grown up in South Bend, he had no idea who he was going to root for!

I purposefully recorded my dad's voicemail greeting to save it. It is still my voicemail greeting. Since I am named after him, it's like he is my answering service. :lol.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

millenniumman75 said:


> Understandable.
> I was put literally in a sink or swim situation as I am still living in my house...he had just opened up a second mortgage on my house four months before he died (and had asked me to buy the house). It took six years to get them managed through the estate - that's one life lesson I learned from him. The second mortgage is still in his estate name (meaning they treat me as a debt collection target :lol)
> 
> For a period my anxiety spiked, but that was due to putting too much on myself and trying to get too much done in too little time. That's kind of what happened to my dad - he overworked himself because he was within weeks of retirement.


 The houses and vehicles are all paid for, so that's one thing I won't have to worry about. It's just taxes, utilities, insurance and regular bills to pay. I'm not even working at the moment and I haven't for years, so I have to start getting everything figured out. That's the part that worries me, I've never been able to maintain a job for long because of the stress. I guess now it's sink or swim and I'd better find a way to deal with it or be homeless.



millenniumman75 said:


> It was good enough - he heard you.
> Do you have his cellphone?
> My dad was overjoyed about Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears being in the Super Bowl in 2007. Having grown up in South Bend, he had no idea who he was going to root for!
> 
> I purposefully recorded my dad's voicemail greeting to save it. It is still my voicemail greeting. Since I am named after him, it's like he is my answering service. :lol.


I've got his cellphone. I'll probably switch to using it because it's on contract and the one I use is prepaid. I'd like to keep the number because he had the same one forever. There isn't voicemail though, but I don't use voicemail anyway.


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

"hugs" dad passed when i was 11


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

im sorry man, i decided to call my dad today, despite how much i dont want to


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