# feeling of not being present



## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

What's the cure for derealization.... feeling that your environment lacks depth, feeling that you're a passenger in life and not the driver.

This is a big problem for me. I've found that if I take some benadryl, 100 mg or more, I can temporarily clear the "fog" and I can wake myself up. The problem is once that outer layer is removed my anxiety shoots through the roof. I become afraid of everything. I become afraid to even speak for fear of saying the wrong thing and everything seems overwhelming, I see every little detail and there's just this infinite number of things that can go wrong and I can't do simple things like play a game online because I am so obsessed with making every single move perfect. I'll sometimes just sit and stare, the less I do the less that can go wrong. It's not much fun but it brings me closer to reality, maybe a little too close. I guess that's why I do it despite the inevitable depression that ensues. I'm just at a loss right now for what to do.


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## Still Waters (Sep 18, 2008)

I can't write much-I'm in a bit of a hurry. I think I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm somewhere between a ghost and a human. Perhaps I've always been a little too good at attempting to be invisible. I sometimes have the strangest feeling that I'm not quite real.- Like I've pushed myself down so much that I don't make much of any impression on the world at large.


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## Dreamer'sHideaway (Jan 8, 2009)

I often find myself looking up what this feeling IS. Its like depersonalization disorder. I suppose its all the avoiding.

I'm also finding myself lost. I am in university (after putting it off for almost 4 years) but I am far from thriving. I am terrified to go to labs (science program) and we have presentations this semester. I like going to lectures and writing exams, but anything with joining new people... just take me away.

Today in one of my lectures I sat down with my book and the girl beside me started up a conversation. It died, because I basically wanted to read my book. I guess I might have wanted to talk, but whether I want to or not is dictated by my automatic fear response. *Stuff your face back in your book! Retreat!*

Its depressing. I guess the worst is just not knowing how to relate to anyone.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

The very nature of the feeling makes it so that it is almost impossible to describe unless you can temporarily "come out of it." I always thought I felt like everyone else but now things are starting to get hazy. How am I suppose to feel? It's a hidden disease. Who knows how many suffer from it now and don't even realize it. But they will realize it eventually because it catches up with you.


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## lindsey (Jan 11, 2009)

i think i know what you mean. like it kinda feels like you're watching yourself? sometimes i feel like i'm a cartoon or something and i'm just watching myself. and sometimes it's like i'm outside of my body just watching myself... it's hard to explain.


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## Tunesimah (Dec 31, 2008)

I don't know if I'm depersonalized completely... but my internal perception of what I am doing and how I present myself never completely jives with the external. 

My true self is the internal, what I am thinking, what I want to say, what I want to accomplish. I set forth and do things and make myself do something on the external, something gets lost in the translation. Then I run to the internet to do more research on whatever could be the problem.

The larger the disconnect between the internal and external... the more depersonalized I become. 

I have this desire to express my insides on my outsides... but that never seems to happen. So I'm stuck retreating...


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

Tunesimah said:


> I don't know if I'm depersonalized completely... but my internal perception of what I am doing and how I present myself never completely jives with the external.
> 
> My true self is the internal, what I am thinking, what I want to say, what I want to accomplish. I set forth and do things and make myself do something on the external, something gets lost in the translation. Then I run to the internet to do more research on whatever could be the problem.
> 
> ...


My depersonalizatino and derealization isn't that severe, maybe not even enough to be clinically relevant. But it is persistent. The way I notice is if I have a bit of alcohol or a bit of weed I start to realize that I am actually in control of my body or something. There's a disconnect between my body and mind the majority of the time that is subtle but disabling.

The best example is driving. I drive with my mind most of the time. I'm always thinking I'm not feeling myself driving. When it gets really bad I start to doubt myself a lot and become afraid of driving because it's like I've lost control of the car. I'm able to avoid accidents because I put a lot of mental effort into it but I don't feel safe because I'm not in control of the car, my body is simply doing what my mind is telling it do.

When I can bring my body and mind together, everything becomes so much more enjoyable including driving. I start to smell things that I never smelled before and I start to feel as I am actually in control of what I'm doing and I will start to form ideas and actual intelligent thoughts. Man, I'm really screwed up lately. It's so wonderful when I can think. My thinking is pretty good at the moment.


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## Dreamer'sHideaway (Jan 8, 2009)

kev - that post was great to read. The word "control" is exactly the key word - I often feel (during those depersonalization/disconnected feeling) that I don't have direct control over e.g my hand. Just last night I was reading some notes and took a break to glimpse at my hand which was cramped from writing. I twirled it around and said the word "control... control" and realized I felt like I DID NOT have control over my hands. Its a depressing feeling. I have had it a bit less lately in the intense depressed feeling which I am happy about - but I had it a LOT in 2007 and 2006. It would get to the point where I'd be with a few camp friends and I'd realize how depressed and disconnected I felt from them. I could easily have floated away and they wouldn't notice I was gone because we weren't connected in the first place...
*edit* I forgot to add, about driving. i don't drive (too nervous to take the test with the drivers education teacher in the car watching my every mistake) (plus i have enough trouble being a pedestrian and feeling like the centre of attention. when i'm behind a wheel i'd feel like everyone around me thinks i'm a horrible driver) but I can picture myself in a car feeling entirely disconnected and having that whole.... spacey and lack of control feeling.


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## kev (Jan 28, 2005)

Dreamer'sHideaway said:


> kev - that post was great to read. The word "control" is exactly the key word - I often feel (during those depersonalization/disconnected feeling) that I don't have direct control over e.g my hand. Just last night I was reading some notes and took a break to glimpse at my hand which was cramped from writing. I twirled it around and said the word "control... control" and realized I felt like I DID NOT have control over my hands. Its a depressing feeling. I have had it a bit less lately in the intense depressed feeling which I am happy about - but I had it a LOT in 2007 and 2006. It would get to the point where I'd be with a few camp friends and I'd realize how depressed and disconnected I felt from them. I could easily have floated away and they wouldn't notice I was gone because we weren't connected in the first place...
> *edit* I forgot to add, about driving. i don't drive (too nervous to take the test with the drivers education teacher in the car watching my every mistake) (plus i have enough trouble being a pedestrian and feeling like the centre of attention. when i'm behind a wheel i'd feel like everyone around me thinks i'm a horrible driver) but I can picture myself in a car feeling entirely disconnected and having that whole.... spacey and lack of control feeling.


Good to know other people feel the same. Makes me feel slightly less insane. I hate to sound like a preacher because I don't have any solid opinions in the first place but exercise has helped me some. You don't have to do a ton. 20 minutes of cardio is usually enough to make me feel a little better, a little more in control. I think it helps because it forces myself to think about my heart rate, and it forces myself to think about moving my legs and arms, etc. It's also a natural anxiety reliever. Don't get me wrong, it's really hard to get myself to go to the gym. But it's getting easier. I go every day with few exceptions.


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## Dreamer'sHideaway (Jan 8, 2009)

Its odd how exercise seems to help in so many different forms in terms of anxiety. It helps mood (not always but generally it does) and it makes me feel less stiff and achy. I can totally get how when running you won't feel that disconnection because of the focus on heart rate. I definitely have to work running into my week at least twice. I went yesterday and despite the cold it was fun


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## nightwalker (Nov 20, 2008)

OMG I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM. EXACTLY THE SAMEEEE. its like when we're dissociating, our brain kinda forgets we have social anxiety and then we dont feel anxious anym,ore. its like we're sleeping with our eyes open. and when we actually wake up, you realize that everyones watching you and u get anxious again. OMG I HAVE HTSAME PROBLEM!!OMGMOGMOGOMG FINALLY SOMEONE WHO HAS THE SAME PROBL AS ME lol


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## Dreamer'sHideaway (Jan 8, 2009)

nightwalker said:


> OMG I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM. EXACTLY THE SAMEEEE. its like when we're dissociating, our brain kinda forgets we have social anxiety and then we dont feel anxious anym,ore. its like we're sleeping with our eyes open. and when we actually wake up, you realize that everyones watching you and u get anxious again. OMG I HAVE HTSAME PROBLEM!!OMGMOGMOGOMG FINALLY SOMEONE WHO HAS THE SAME PROBL AS ME lol


lol i love when people get all excited. When I first read about dissociation I was excited too - it was cool to know I wasn't just not connecting with no explanation!


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## bethany (Feb 3, 2009)

*what's wrong with me*

hey ppl i was hopin i could get help with this..... I have been feeling very bad about me and feeling empty and emotionless at times. I don't like talking about my feelings so i try and repress them. every time i get an emotion that makes me feel bad i start pushing it away and forget about it and that makes me feel empty. I dont like talking or crying about the way i feel it makes me feel like im week and volnrable. Last night i felt empty and like my emotions had been taken from me so i started drinking alchol. After i had drank it i fell so much better and went in my room and imediatly fell asleep. I have been doing things like that for about 3 months i have been smoking as well. I a having suicidal thoughts again as well I used to be a cutter and i really dont want to start again but i can't stop thinking about it..... btw I am only thirteen and if i feel this bad now then i am terified to know how i will be dealing with me emotions wen im older and how much worse they will be. can some one please help me


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## Aubreezes (Jan 9, 2013)

*What a sigh of relief.*

For a long time I've wondered if the feeling of not being present, being outside of myself at times, and at its worst: not feeling real or alive, was just the terrible tragedy of growing up, or if it was something terribly wrong with me. I prayed and wished it was the latter and I wasn't just keenly aware of something that happened to everyone. 
I've talked to therapists and psychologists about my feelings, it's terrified me to be honest, to think that i might feel this way forever! I remember when I was young and I would be able to touch sand or smell the air and be fully present in that moment. I relished it completely and I loved my naturally high sensitivity to detail. 
Now I touch things but it seems like they are far away. Sometimes I talk and it seems like its coming out of someone else's mouth, like I'm watching it all from a distance. 
Why don't I feel safe? Why don't I feel in control? How do I manage to feel again, to be in the moment without it terrifying me?
It's like a nightmare...and to be honest I thought I was trying to catch smoke until I stumbled across this forum. This is the first day of my life in which there is a name and a face to this disease, multiple faces I might add, and we are not alone. 
I will find an answer for this and I will post any information I get on this forum. If any of you have books, information, references, suggestions, please post them!
It's no fun living life as a zombie.


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## Lori4ya (Oct 27, 2015)

*I understand*

inhave severe anxiety. The depersonalization and dissociation is unbearable. I used to space out but nowhere near like I do now. It's like I don't even exist. I came back from the pool yesterday and didn't recognize my surroundings my cat, myself. I can only equate it to feeling like I'm on hallucenegenics. It makes me literally just want to crawl into a hole. It's happening much more frequently and I don't know what to do about it


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