# I will stop negative self-talk.



## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

"you know that voice in your head andy, the biggest con he ever pulled is making you believe that he is you" - Someone on a different forum posted this, apparently his crazy friend said this to him, funny enough, but it really hits home for me. Negative self-talk is the bane of my existence. I read success stories from 2 different people and the big thing for both of them was changing their mindset. To get over social anxiety I will try some natural and homeopathic medicines sure, but ultimately it is up to me to fix myself. 

Every day, I will come back to this topic and re-read everything I've written. I will continue to do this until I've finally cleansed my mind of all the garbage I believe about myself. When I accomplish things I've written I'll cross it off. Once I accomplish all or enough of what I've posted in the original post, I'll make a new list of things that I will do. 

-I am a resourceful and valuable person. I am not useless. 
-I am an intelligent person. I am not stupid.
-I am decent looking. I am not ugly. 
-I am energetic and motivated. I am not lazy or apathetic. 
-I am capable of standing up for myself. I am not a pushover.
-There is no reason to worry. I do not need to stress myself out. There is nothing worth worrying over.

-I am capable of exercising will power. I am capable of becoming disciplined and focused to keep on top of:
a) School work. I can keep on top of readings, re-read my lecture notes, start my 
essays early enough to give me time to do a good job, and study for exams in advance. I 
will get enough sleep to function well at school. 
b) Myself. I will eat healthier. I will start exercising again. I will get more sleep. I will 
keep my hair cut and my nails trimmed. I will get more sun. I will waste less time on the 
internet, and I will use that time instead for more productive activities like reading, and 
exercise. I do not need to waste the entire morning on weekends and days off browsing 
forums.
-I am capable of talking to other people. There is nothing holding me back from having normal conversations with other people. 
-I am capable of controlling my emotions. I do not need to get angry over little things.

MISCELLANEOUS THINGS I WILL DO IN THE NEAR FUTURE:
-Schedule appointment with my naturopath to find some natural medicines for my anxiety.
-Get my blood test that I should have done a year ago.
-Buy some new clothes, specifically things that will make this winter more bearable.


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

awesome!!! right on!!! this is my goal too
we must defeat the forces of evil!!


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Day 2: Read the list twice today, once in the afternoon and once right now, right before bed. I posted that list before I went to bed last night, so notice how much earlier I am going to bed tonight than last night. 

I e-mailed 2 profs today about essay topics. 

I got caught up in readings in 1 class and got started on reading for another. My reading schedule this week is relatively light so I will use the extra time to get caught up in readings for the class I've been neglecting. 

It's below freezing outside today but I still got sun by reading near a window where the sunrays peak through. I think I actually slightly tanned while reading near the window. I cut my nails tonight and shaved. I didn't drink any soda today. 

Tomorrow I plan to go to class (obviously), work out for the first time in months, hopefully get a reply from my profs and be cleared to start finding sources at the library for my essays, find a topic for my 3rd and probably hardest essay, and continue readings when I get home. I WILL do all of these things as long as they are within my power (e.g. if profs don't e-mail me back, I can't start picking up sources for my essays). Tomorrow night, I will post again at the same time or earlier and post about all of my accomplishments. 

Some miscellaneous things I need to do in the near future. Just for convenience I'll add this into my topic since I'm reading it every day anyway:
-Pick up 'Nixoral' shampoo.
-Schedule appointment with my naturopath to find some natural medicines for my anxiety.
-Get my blood test that I should have done a year ago.
-Buy some new clothes, specifically things that will make this winter more bearable. 
-Program the voice-mail service on my cellphone. I'm paying an extra 10 bucks a month for nothing right now.
-


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Day 3: Wow, I overestimated what I am capable of accomplishing in a school day but I still got a lot more done that I usually would on a Monday. 

BAD BAD BAD:
-Skipped my first class to sleep in an extra 2 hours, I just couldn't wake up at 6 this morning. I'm so pissed I did this. I'm just going to continue rolling back the time when I go to sleep until I finally get a full night's sleep. Punishment: Force myself to get up at 6 tomorrow on my day off. 

However, look at the time difference in this post. I'm posting these message before I go to bed, so my post time is evidence I'm going to bed earlier every night. 

Good:
-Finally remembered to put my orthodics into my shoes. 
-went to my other 4 classes and took good notes. 
-2 Essay topics have been approved by profs, so I found 4 sources for one of my essays. I had no time or backpack space to start grabbing sources for my other.
-Didn't buy any fast food or energy drinks at school today. 
-Reread all my lecture notes from today tonight. 
-Continuing to get caught up in readings from the class I've been neglecting. 

Things not done that I wanted to do, and my to do list for tomorrow:
-Didn't work out. I've decided that it actually makes much better sense to schedule my workouts for Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday. I have all those three days off as opposed to being in school MWF so it makes better sense. 
-Didn't program my cellphone voicemail, but this was not from laziness. I've apparently waited too long to activate it so I have to call my service provider tomorrow. Sigh. (CHECK)
-Pick topic for 3rd essay. Send e-mail to prof to get topic approved.
-start researching some decent internet journals and online sources for my 2 essay topics that have been approved.
-Continue readings.
-Get Nizoral Shampoo. (CHECK)
-Go to bed at 10 PM.

TUESDAY EDIT: Going to bed at 10:45 
A so so day. I'm not happy with my progress so far. I'm doing some things but not a lot. I'm making an active effort to really step it up tomorrow. 
What I did today: 
-Got my voicemail working. 
-Did some reading for one class. Not much. Just 10 pages. I need to do more on my days off. I will read more on my days off. 
-Send a prof an e-mail discussing my topic for my 3rd essay
-Worked out! Happy about this. First time in a couple months. I want to get back to feeling strong.
-Got Nizoral

Tomorrow:
-Hopefully the lazy prof e-mails me back and I will get sources for one more, and possibly 2 essays tomorrow.
-Attend ALL classes and take good notes. Re-read them when I get home.
-Read A LOT more than I did today.
-No more than 2 hours on computer for recreation. This is what is killing me the most. 
-Start studying for Friday quiz

Wednesday edit: Last night I went to bed at 10:45 and didn't fall asleep until 3 in the morning... absolutely nonsensical. Never happened before in my life. I went through the day in a intoxicated-like daze. Didn't accomplish anything besides going to all classes. Regrouping and hoping I sleep so I can turn on motivated mode tomorrow.

Thursday edit: Not gonna lie, I did next to nothing today. Choosing not to try going to bed early because last time that happened I got 3 hours of sleep... 
-I re-emailed the lazy prof the exact same e-mail I sent him earlier in the week. If he doesn't answer me by Friday afternoon then I'm going to write my paper without his formal approval of my thesis.

I just hate getting started on work. Once I start I overwhelm and stress myself out with the enormous amount of work I have to do. So I end up doing none of it. I am just so sick of essays and readings. Tomorrow I have an important day. A quiz followed by a class discussion in my dreaded Friday tutorial. This is the worst situation I have all week for social anxiety. After that I have to work out, and start on at least 1 essay. If I can do decent in the quiz, get by the class discussion without being a weirdo, and get a good start on just 1 essay when I get home, I will be happy.


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Saturday night update: Daylight savings time woo.

Started to Stray away from my goals in the middle of the week. Battling my inner-self and constantly keeping the motivation to work towards my goals is so draining and hard to keep up, but I will succeed.

-Not doing any readings.  This tends to happen when I have papers due soon. All my time on school work is spent on the papers, readings are just too time consuming and unproductive... Around finals time it's not like I remember a damn thing I read in a book in November. With that said I may have time tomorrow if I get a good amount of work done on my essays.

-Started 1 essay, got just over a page. It's a 10-12 page or 2500-3000 word essay due on the 14th, so if I continue the pace of a page everyday I'll be done with 4 extra days. However 1 page a day is pretty lame, I could easily have this paper completed in 3-4 days. Tomorrow I have to start another paper as wel. Never got an e-mail back from the lazy prof of this class so I'm going in alone in the longest and most difficult paper of all. I believe this one is 3000-3500 words. I don't know why in the world I've been working on the shorter one first, but I'll make up for that tomorrow.

-Still haven't worked out since Tuesday. I may or may not do it tomorrow. Asking myself to work on 2 essays, do readings and work out in one day may be overstretching but I waste a lot of time in the mornings just browsing forums and doing **** all. This has been a weekend habit of mine for several years. I will have to stop this.

I decided to use this amazing wallpaper I found a while ago: http://interfacelift.com/wallpaper_beta/details/1223/a_little_motivation.html I won't be able to talk myself out of doing my work when I look at this every day.

I also started to realize that I've been focusing very little on my self talk or combating social anxiety and more on just keeping on top of my 'to do list'. I'm going to make more of an effort to read my original list every day. As for combating social anxiety I don't know how or where to start...

Sunday night update: Found a ton of sources for the big essay in the library catalogue that I'm picking up tomorrow. I did my introductory paragraph and thesis statement but I can't write anymore without sources.

Got some really good progress done on my lighter essay. Added another page and a half, and unlike most papers I write I'm finding an equal amount of opportunity to use information from all my sources, helps making it seem like it's my own work.

Didn't do any textbook readings and I didn't expect to, but I didn't workout either. I keep on overestimating what I can get done in one day. I always spend a lot of time carefully pondering my ideas, grammar and word choice in essays and it makes it very time consuming.

On the plus side it was really sunny today so I got some sun. Why does this matter? 1) Vitamin D is good for me in some way that I don't even know. 2) I have very fair skin and I go very pale in the winter. 3) I worked a summer job where I was outside on a boat and I realized the sun exposure completely kills my acne and clears up my face. (I understand that probably no one reads this, so this is more just a self-reminder of why I'm doing it.)


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## Gerard (Feb 3, 2004)

Hey saillias,

I read a couple of these posts and it looks like you know what's going on with yourself. Journaling about your goals feels really benefit since you can see your thoughts pertaining to them. Doesn't it.

And I hope your essay turns out well though. And with textbook reading I like reading bits and pieces at a time. Annotating, marking or highlighting, questioning, mind map notes, and journal writing about the material helps a ridiculous amount to really ingrain the material in my head. Learning should be a fun flowing-like experience not something dreading about. And again bits of pieces at a time. 

And again, great goals, and I wish you the best. So do and write on!!!

Sincerely,
Gerard


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Thanks Gerard, appreciate the advice.

I guess I kinda waste my time when I read because I never bothered to highlight, take notes on them or put sticky notes near important pages. I just read the assigned pages for the week and close the book up. From now on, I'll start taking notes and putting post-its by important pages. I also have to actually start reading lol... Last time I read was 28th of October. 

Things I accomplished this week:
-Went to talk to the 'lazy prof' during his office hours. My first real victory over social anxiety in this topic. First time I've done this in my 3rd year of post-secondary education. Basically he's swamped with 3000 emails in his inbox, so he probably never was going to e-mail me back, and I got my essay topic cleared in person. Awesome
-I only had one soda and one energy drink this week. My face cleared up of its acne, probably as a result.
-I had things to talk about with an acquaintance in one of my classes. 

Bad things this week:
-Still haven't read or worked out since October 28th.
-Didn't get much actual work done on either essay. Short one is at 1024 words out of a minimum 2500 and the long one is at 247 words out of a minimum... 3000. (Am I ****ed or am I ****ed?)

This weekend I have important things to do:
-Have to go out and find a nice shirt for my sister's convocation on Monday. I honestly don't own a single dress shirt. 
-Get at least half done on both essays. Saturday afternoon update: Half done on short essay, 1250 words. Now to get a good start on the long one.

End of long weekend update:
-I didn't do a single thing Sunday, and I don't remember a lick about anything I did from friday to saturday. strange
-Monday I had literally no time to devote to work whatsoever due to my sister's convocation being way longer than I expected, plus the fam went out to dinner right after taking up the whole day.
-Today I once again had my day cut off by other commitments (toe surgery wtf) but I still got home at 2 and worked my *** off the rest of the day. I didn't get distracted at all.

Long essay is up to 1000 words. Not bad considering I started the day at 250 words, and lots of that time is spent looking through books and researching. Plus I thought of a whole new argument that will fit in great and can eat up at minimum, 500 words. In my shorter essay I'm up to 1500 words. Overall I sped up the pace of my work while doing a better job to make sure that everything I write makes grammatical sense and relates back to my thesis. 

Tomorrow I go to school but since I don't have to get up on thursday I can spend all night working on these 2 babies. Since I have 2 days to write 2000 words for the long essay, obviously tomorrow I want to write at least 1000 words. I think it's possible because unlike when I started today, I'll already have a good argument in my head before I get started. In the short essay I would like to add another page (250 words). 

I am putting a 1 day veto on my law to go to all classes, or at least to take notes in all classes. I allow myself the privilege of taking off 1 class tomorrow to work on these papers.

Thursday night update: 2 biggest essays are finally done one night before they're due. Now I only have a 1,500 word one in an easy class due any date I choose. It only requires one source, I could probably write it in 3 hours right now but I'm going to bed.
I have another 10 page one that's due on the last day of school some ways away in december.
Other random things I accomplished:
-Finally remembered to phone up my summer workplace for matters too boring to bother explaining
-Got a naturopath appointment set up. Yes, a naturopath is a real doctor that recommends and prescribes natural stuff instead of drugs. I'm going to see if she can get me something for anxiety and this 'saw palmetto' I've been reading about lately for my hair. 

Tomorrow: The dreaded Friday tutorial with class discussion. Meh, I'm almost comfortable with that now. Besides that this is going to be a typical day. One important thing though:

I HAVE TO WORK OUT


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Sunday night new week update:

This week was better than the last. I regained my confidence in my ability to get focused and do work by writing 2 long essays in a very small period of time. And unlike past times when I've had multiple assignments to do at once, I didn't have to stay up all night the night before, and I wasn't stressed out at all. 

Today I: 
-wrote check to my old workplace for boring matters
-got started on my 1500 word essay, due friday. got my intro paragraph and tomorrow i can start hammering away the body paragraphs.
-today and this weekend i spent a lot less time on the internet than usual. 

This week's plan:
-study for my last mid-term on friday
-take back all my books from the library that i've been using to write papers
-do readings
-WORKOUT WORKOUT WORKOUT WORKOUT on tuesday and thursday
-i've finally got a naturopath appointment on thursday, it's at the mall so i finally am going to buy some new clothes. i need new everything. 
-renew my driver's license on tuesday
-stop being so goddamn boring and do something outside of my comfort zone.


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Very good day today. Very good and productive week overall. My seasonal depression is officially over.

On Tuesday:
-Sent the check to my old workplace.
-Renewed my drivers license.
-Continued work on my essay, got it half done to about 750 words.

Yesterday
-Went to every class. Uneventful day at school.
-Got my essay up to 1000 words.

Today was a very eventful day. I:
-Drove to the mall without getting any anxiety about driving through the city. Then I went clothes shopping and I didn't experience any anxiety at all. I got pretty much everything I wanted and I'm all fitted out for winter. Usually at the mall I get too anxious to do any real browsing in clothing stores, pick up something without even trying it on and wander off to be a nerd in the video game stores. Today I never even so much as looked at an electronic store and actually tried on everything to make sure it looked good. 
-I ran into a group of my ex-friends who tried to get me to hang out with them tonight. I told them I would be really busy tonight, which was true.
-The actual reason I was at the mall was my naturopath (doctor for natural medicines) appointment. Also went very well, she's always a very happy and smiley person and she's very excited about how much my acne has disappeared. I didn't shy away from telling her about all my various stupid physical problems and she helped me with everything. Then I drove home right at the start of rush hour with no anxiety at all. I hardly even remember the drive.
-Finished the essay when I got home. I wrote about 500 words in an hour or so. Since I had a good plan set out before writing I knew exactly what I wanted to write and where to get it from, which helps when only one sources is required lmao. I haven't procrastinated at all so I've done a really good job and revised everything multiple times to ensure that everything is perfect. This is definitely the best essay I've put together this semester overall. I expect nothing less than an A.
-Still studying for my midterm that's tomorrow. I plan on studying at least another hour.

This might be the first week all semester I won't have skipped any classes. I did everything I wanted to do this week with the exception of exercise, but I've been busy. 

Tomorrow is my final midterm. What I'm really stoked about is tomorrow also being my last Friday tutorial in the class that makes us do group discussions.

After tomorrow I can start getting caught up again on readings that I've been severely neglecting. Thanks to me keeping track in this topic however, I know exactly when I left off, which was the week of Halloween. I can also now focus my attention on my final essay due on the last day of the semester. After looking at the calendar I see I have exactly 2 weeks to write it as of tomorrow... Time goes by fast. The difference with this essay is that it's not long, 2500-3000 words and has less source requirements than those other long ones I wrote for last Friday. I also have to start studying for finals, which start on December 12th I believe.

Did I do something interesting this week outside of my comfort zone? I think so. As I walked into one of the stores today I exchanged smiles with a girl that worked there. Plus going shopping for clothes in a crowded mall and not running away to go look at new video games was out of the ordinary for me.


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Only posting in this thread to keep up my regular updates and to keep this from falling off the first page. Since my last update my fortune has gone the exact opposite direction. I lost motivation to finish this last essay and I just am not interested in studying for finals. My self confidence is at an all time low and I feel embarrassed showing my face in public. I really am just cruising along until Christmas break where I can finally do nothing and be happy for the only time of the year. (one month in between December-January where I have no responsibilities)


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Bumping this topic to help me get on track for finals.

HTST 381: Tomorrow's final is not cumulative and all I have to know is WWI and WWII. I've already read all my notes and already had a pretty good idea of everything that went down from general knowledge and previous courses. *What I will do*: Continue to skim the textbooks and try to remember the names of the generals. The exam is at 3:30 tomorrow so I will have plenty of time to prepare in the morning and early afternoon.

On Friday I have 2 finals.

HTST 307: I choose a topic from a list already posted on the internet and write on it. So essentially there's no studying just preparation of an essay using the textbooks. Why did I ever attend this class and bore myself to death taking so many notes :| *What I will do*: Continue essay preparation this afternoon around 4 PM until dinner. Holding off Wednesday and Thursday preparation plans until then.

HTST 379: Similar to the other. There's a list of topics to write an essay on posted on the net, but the thing is the prof randomly chooses 3 out of the 10 choices for the final and we have to write on one of the 3. 
That means out of the 10 choices in order to guarantee I have at least one question I can write for sure I need to be able to answer all but 2. *What I will do*: No way I'm writing 8 essays but I'm going to have to make good arguments for 8... sigh. Starting right after finishing this post and go for 2 hours. Also holding off on what I will do to prepare on Wednesday and Thursday until later.

GRST 209: Saturday final is basically a joke. We get to bring the textbook along, but we're only 'allowed' to use it for the essay part. Regarding the rest of the final the e-mail says "There's no way I can keep track of all of you so I'm just going to have to trust your honesty" sorry Mrs. prof but there's no way I'm not taking advantage of that.  *What I will do*: Given that the last Friday exam goes from 7 - 9 PM and this one is 8 AM on Saturday, maybe an hour at best of studying on Friday night when I get home.

HTST 491: Last Monday final is my toughest course this semester in the same essay format as 379, because it's the same prof. 10 potential essay questions, 3 will be chosen at random, write on one. *What I will do:* All other finals will be out of the way so I have all Saturday and Sunday to prepare.

Wednesday edit: One final is done. It was the second easiest course though and I've got a difficult 5 days ahead of me. I'm going to work my *** off the rest of the night getting my responses together for the 2 Friday exams and continue doing that all day tomorrow.

Thursday edit: Had the most useless doctor appointment of my life in the morning. (follow up to foot surgery, I took a 30 min commute on the train and a 10 minute walk to be told "yeah its all good its healing up anyway cya") It got me up early at least, so I'm tired and will get a good nights sleep for the brutal day tomorrow.

I've got good enough arguments that I'm confident I can put together essays for 8 different questions in my first final. I'm definitely hoping for certain questions over others but there's no situation in the HTST 379 final where I won't be able to choose one topic.

The HTST 307 final... well I haven't done a single thing since Tuesday. One essay preparation vs 8 essay preparations you do the math on which comes first, not to mention it's at 7 PM tomorrow as opposed to 12 PM. I did do one thing yesterday, I changed my topic when I realized there was a different essay choice that is much easier, clearer and I can use the exact same arguments i was already using for my first choice. I have 5 hours space in between my 2 finals tomorrow. I'm definitely not bothering to go home so I have a lot of free time with few distractions to create the most amazing and insightful masterpiece of an essay my prof has ever seen in her life.

Friday Edit: First final of the day is done. Format was different than I expected, we wrote 2 essays out of 4 choices, one for the first half of the course and one for the second half of the course. Luckily my 2 favorite choices were in both sections so I made 2 awesome killer essays and if I don't get an A I'll be dumbfounded.

That was about an hour and a half ago. It's 3 and I'm still stuck at the uni until I finish my 7 PM final. Starting now I'm going to put together my essay for it but I'm a lot more relaxed right now and not in a hurry.


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Awesome results

I don't think I ever mentioned my paper grades so here goes:
One that was due many Fridays ago in November: A! Awesome, I knew it was pretty decent but I didn't actually expect an A. I checked with the professor before choosing a topic to make sure I wrote on a topic he had never received an essay about so I bet that influenced the mark. 

The longer one that was due many Fridays ago in November: C. What can I say, I started this later than the first paper even though this one was for a higher level course and had a higher word requirement, and I didn't meet the requirement for amount of sources. I expected a lower grade. Doesn't matter because my midterm was a B and I can still make up for it on the Monday final.

First essay I wrote in joke 200 level course: Didn't do it right, still got an A- because they have low expectations and I'm really good at essays even when I don't follow the directions properly.

Second essay I wrote in joke 200 level course: 98%... A+ lmao. Expectations didn't rise for the second essay but I knew what to do this time and put a decent amount of effort into it. I'm pretty sure I posted before that this was one of the best papers I've written. I expected a really good grade.

Last paper: Not graded yet, handed in only last Friday.

My last 2 finals: Don't know what to expect from my 7 PM final, I wrote all I could but it's hard to get a good read on this prof's expectations. I don't think I could get worse than a B and maybe an A isn't out of the question

This morning's final in the joke course: Joke final, probably an A.


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## saillias (Oct 5, 2008)

Time to revive this topic for the new semester. The thing that made me remember this topic was how I've kinda started the term on a bad note. Completely skipped the first day Monday, and today I actually took the 1 hour commute to the uni just to sell some textbooks, but not go to class. 

Well actually, I showed up for one class today that I'm on the waitlist for, but the classroom just made me very nervous. Very small room, cramped desks close together, and it was full of the younger crowd. Hate classroom settings like that because I know they promote class discussions, talking and people getting to know each other. This is a situation where I would become known as the loner weirdo of the class within a week or so, as opposed to large lecture halls where no one talks to each other really. I got out of there within 50 seconds of sitting down. I used another student's conversation as an out. One asked another if the class was philosophy 301, the other student said yeah, I got up and left pretending like I was in the wrong room. 

I immediately went online took myself off the waitlist, and now I'm forced to take the poli sci. course I wasn't really that interested in... 25 page paper.

I WILL go to all my classes tomorrow.

My final grades from last semester: One A (my first real A), an A-, 2 Bs and a B-. One of those Bs I completely expected an A from and e-mailed the prof but unfortunately he was the same guy who didn't respond to my e-mails all semester and I'm pretty much out of luck in that regard. Oh well. Still a nice boost to my gpa. 

I don't know what to think about my courses this semester. (I'm sure it would help if I start showing up) The course outlines seem a bit strange like the profs are a little off. Two of my courses are taught by the same prof and I've had him before and I KNOW he's a little off. Even so, this semester is going to be better than my last. I'm going to start choosing a topic for that 25 page paper on Friday and start thinking about the other ones and the midterms well in advance. I want a straight A semester. 

Socially not much to say. Social anxiety is as bad as ever. My parents are gone to Hawaii for 2 weeks so I've been without human contact for 2ish days and that sure didn't help my anxiety on campus today. 

My sleeping is better and since I have to get up all 5 week days as opposed to 3 my body is getting conditioned to wake up at 7 and go to bed at 10-11ish.

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions but I wish I did. I want to make friends again, but the longer I go with having none the more difficult the concept seems.


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