# "Finding yourself" at university



## whatyoumustthink (Apr 25, 2012)

I sometimes wonder if there'll ever come a point when I'll find that "content" point in my life.

I know so many people at university, or who've gone into jobs, who love what they do. They say they're surrounded by the best people they've met in their lives, and they're having the best times they've had in their lives. I've never been at that level. All I've ever had are people who underestimated me or made me feel like crap in my classes. I think I'm the sort of person who people would rather leave in a corner or look down on, and my SA doesn't do me any favours when people already make me feel uneasy.

Being bullied up until 18 in school, it was hard to find my feet going straight to uni but I was optimistic things would get better. Nothing's really changed at all. I'm still a "loser", I'm still a "loner", I'm still a "weirdo", in everyone's eyes. I don't feel I can relate to people who've had a happy time at uni because a year of being in a house with an emotionally manipulative person and a class who saw me as a clown have left me feeling like I don't belong where "normal" people do.


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## Holly91 (May 22, 2013)

You sound like me 

I was happy with my life when I was in primary school, I had friends, but no social life (I wasn't really allowed to have friends over and we never did much as a family). This really affected me when I moved on into high school. I had no hobbies, interests, friends, I got picked on by "friends", people in my class, people older than me, younger than me, complete strangers...I ended up feeling depressed and began having panic attacks. I dreaded high school and felt sick with nerves every morning. And like you, I was picked on right up until the last day of school, when I was 18. I ended up telling a teacher and breaking down in tears.

I dreaded going to uni. I thought "How can someone who was picked on at 18, go to uni? Make friends? Live with complete strangers?". I tried to be positive. It took a while, but now I am somewhat happy with my life. I have a nice small group of friends, and that's it really. I don't go out (due to family circumstances), I don't have an "average" student life (like partying, doing stupid things etc). In a way, I was lucky. I chose a uni not too far away, so I could live at home (I did apply to live in accommodation, but I never heard back from them). If I went to another uni, I would have been living with strangers, and I reckon I would be in the same boat as you. I don't know if you feel like this, but the way I feel now about my life (and I'm 20), I feel as if I should be 16, as it's like I'm trying to catch up on the things I have missed. Which means that I can't really relate to other students much. Sure I feel happier than I was in high school, since I now have friends and not getting picked on, but I still have very little social life, confidence etc.

You're not a loser. You only THINK you are. Or you THINK that's what other people think. I read somewhere online that this attitude is common in SA, as you are trying to "mind read". Do you have CBT? I think it would be helpful to you. It changes the way you think about things, to try and be more positive. Are there any clubs you could join in uni? Any interests you have? I'm sure you will find other people who enjoy similar things to you, which will help you make friends and not feel like you're looked down on. Also, is it possible for you to move house? Or have different living arrangements? It would help to get away from emotionally manipulative people, but if you can't then try to ignore it and not stay around the person for too long.

If we were in the same uni, I would be your friend


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## whatyoumustthink (Apr 25, 2012)

Yeah, there are certainly some similarities.

I'm about to go into my 3rd year, I probably should have pointed out that that's why I feel more despair about this. My "social circle" is back in my hometown, over 100 miles away from where I'm at uni. I wanted to get away from my hometown deliberately to escape and have some independence I was craving. When I'm at uni, I don't really have that average party life either, I never fitted in with that. There are just a handful of people I get along with, which isn't a bad thing but my life isn't in order like their's are, that's the thing. I also HAVE been picked on in some of my classes this last year, I unfortunately ended up with people who weren't ideal. I can't look back at now and say things were looking better, because they're not really. I still feel targeted, a bit of an outcast, and above all lonely and misunderstood.

You're quite possibly not wrong. Yeah I have tried CBT, it didn't really sink in for me. My uni's number of societies is limited, in my first year I joined one but it wasn't very well run and again, I didn't feel like I "belonged", there wasn't that family feel to it. There aren't any others for the things I'm interested in, I feel condescended by a lot of people, it's more awkward to join now when I'm not new, etc. Yes, that's probably the only good thing to come along so far - I'm going to be in different accommodation next year and living close to 2 good friends. I'm glad to be near them, although there are a few others I've spoken to online living on the same floor but not met yet. That's sort of put pressure on to make a good impression.


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## Bedouin (Aug 3, 2013)

Lol what, "finding yourself" at university pahaha, more like finding a persona which people accept. And that's not living for you that's living for them so that you can live for you. Be yourself, go walking and live alone for a while; then you might find yourself. They are just trying to make you into a sheep because sheepies are intimidated and confounded by non-sheepies. Those people who think you're a 'loner' are all pointless tossers anyway. This is my opinion; like my character it may change with time but perhaps consider the sentiment anyway despite it being put forward in a bit of a strong and stubborn manner. Maybe you cannot fit in and all I am saying is that maybe you should stop disrespecting yourself from their boring standpoint and begin to accept yourself and your own reality however you please. Maybe it will make you happier than fitting in to their collective reality.


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## whatyoumustthink (Apr 25, 2012)

Bedouin said:


> Lol what, "finding yourself" at university pahaha, more like finding a persona which people accept. And that's not living for you that's living for them so that you can live for you. Be yourself, go walking and live alone for a while; then you might find yourself. They are just trying to make you into a sheep because sheepies are intimidated and confounded by non-sheepies. Those people who think you're a 'loner' are all pointless tossers anyway. This is my opinion; like my character it may change with time but perhaps consider the sentiment anyway despite it being put forward in a bit of a strong and stubborn manner. Maybe you cannot fit in and all I am saying is that maybe you should stop disrespecting yourself from their boring standpoint and begin to accept yourself and your own reality however you please. Maybe it will make you happier than fitting in to their collective reality.


That's 50% true. It isn't all about belonging because of conformity... in fact conformity is something I strongly dislike, I'll discuss that separately in a moment. It's about my own happiness. When I have nothing but people I work with who treat me like a little boy (because I look young) or treat me like I'm some sort of outcast, I cannot be happy in that environment. The fact that there's never been an environment where I was happy and not the victim basically makes me feel like my history has consisted of being the "circus freak". One day, when I pass away, I don't just want to be remembered for that, I want to have had some kind of positive impact. Some of that *is* desiring "pleasing" them, I suppose, but it's also just that I'd like to be able to co-exist without being the outcast and not be treated as if I'm sub-human to the point where I have 0 quality of life. If I was just on neutral terms with them, I'd feel alright. I do, however, wish I had a group of people I could call "best friends" at uni, and at the moment I don't really.

One thing that's stuck with me is I refuse to change for other people. Over the years, others I've known have fallen into that trap... I think institutions sort of do that, make you gel and conform. If you like, my bull**** detector seems to have made me immune to that. But at the same time, I'm not ****ing crazy anti-conformist. Yes my interests and opinions are a bit different, yes I can make people laugh, that really is about all that flashes attention to me. Otherwise, all I do is try and "get on" with people or keep myself to myself. Sometimes, just being humorous with people makes them start taking the piss out of me, when all I was doing was making light of the situation or whatever. Again, I'd prefer to just be respected as I am on some kind of neutral level, not exactly loved, but I feel like people catch onto how "crazy" I am (a cycle of my SA making me not as confident as I could be, then them triggering my SA with their unpleasantness) and turn on me.


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