# Do you hold back in your writings?



## extremly (Oct 25, 2012)

I am currently writing a fictional story and the more I write the more I feel like I could never show these writings to anyone. Yes, it is a fictional story but it has so many personal experiences, thoughts and ideas that are legitimately who I am that I feel... shame if someone were to read them? Even if the story is fiction, someone that reads between the lines could decipher who I was as a person, with not much effort either. My motivations, my thought patterns, my fears and my weaknesses.

I don't think I am ashamed of myself (at least not consciously). But a book with this much information on who I am could ultimately allow a stranger to manipulate me or do me harm. I wanted send a sibling of mine my story so she could read it and critique it. But I would be handing her a truly open book, into my mind. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And if I can't even share this with my sibling, there is no way I could publish it or share it with anyone to edit it and refine it to "publish it".

Anyone else feels this way? How do you overcome it, if at all


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I think this is a very common issue for writers, depending on the kind of thing they write. It's probably less of an issue for commercial writers who specialize in genre fiction, more of an issue for literary writers because they more often focus on issues they've confronted personally.

I write erotica, and though it's commercial genre fiction, erotica is different because fantasies tend to be intensely personal and the kind of thing that people feel a lot of shame about. Even writing under a pseudonym I know I'm taking some pretty big risks putting the kind of stuff I write out there. If someone traces my work back to me all my credibility will go up in a puff of smoke. 😅 

But I make a point of not censoring myself any more than I have to. I try to write exactly what my subconscious tells me to write, no matter how weird it is. And I personally think that you get much more originality that way and the stories have a lot more life and color. I never have writer's block when I don't censor myself; I think writer's block is almost entirely self-censorship/inhibition.

But writing like that will make your work a lot less accessible too. My stories are so bizarre they hardly sell, and I get a lot of wtf reactions, but I do also get a fair number of 5 star reviews and the occasional email from someone who really likes my stuff. Instead of everyone giving me 3 stars, I get a lot of polarization with either 1 star or 5 stars. People either think I'm really imaginative or a disgusting pervert, haha.

As to overcoming it, idk. I have shared my pen name with my IRL friend and she has read some of my stuff but I don't think she likes it at all and we never talk about it. I would never tell anyone in my family my pen name because of the kind of stuff I write. But I have written some horror under my real name and told them about that even though some of it is pretty sick. But they can't be bothered to read it, lol. None of it has anything to do with them, though, so I'm not worried about hurting anyone's feelings or anything.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Hm when I used to write stuff I would mostly keep it to myself, but sometimes I'd post it online for free, but I would also never finish anything unless it was a really short thing. I don't think I'm really in touch with myself or understand myself enough to think about that until maybe a decade or something later and then I can look back and think 'huh that's weird' but even then it's just a coincidence and an interpretation based on who I am now, which is not who I was when I was writing. Everything has multiple interpretations. Like for example there are insecurities I've developed in the last few years that I never used to have but some of my characters used to have.

So I guess what I'm saying is writing much like dreaming is less about who I am, and more about magic/cursing myself.

Also a lot of my old writing is really cringy.


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

extremly said:


> But a book with this much information on who I am could ultimately allow a stranger to manipulate me or do me harm. I wanted send a sibling of mine my story so she could read it and critique it. But I would be handing her a truly open book, into my mind. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And if I can't even share this with my sibling, there is no way I could publish it or share it with anyone to edit it and refine it to "publish it".


I have no problem sharing my writing with the world, but I'd never want to share it with my sister, particularly when there's something personal in it. It's the people who you know best who can do you harm -- strangers can't do anything with whatever they might learn. Writing for strangers should be freeing.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

In your case, it might be a better approach to share with someone totally random who your identity will be anonymous to. Sharing it with someone you know, it is very rational to feel uncomfortable with this feeling. If I were you, I definitely will feel very uncomfortable sharing my writings with anyone I know as well. Most of us are much more feared of judgement from people we know personally, than from total strangers, especially if we appeared anonymous to them.


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## rabidfoxes (Apr 17, 2016)

I do hold back and that is one reason why I can't write (kind of what @truant said about holding back creating a writer's block). To me, the problem is that I want to project onto the page my idealised self and not my real self. The idealised self is less interesting, more formulaic and a frankenstein of various people, real and imaginary, that have influenced me along the way. It is also flat and so makes for poor writing. It's inauthentic. I'm trying to transcend this problem by breaking it up into a myriad of selves, a bit like a Mirror Image spell in D&D: then no one can know which one is the real one. I can weave in enough lies to successfully conceal the truth, whilst the truth is still there to give lifeblood to the writing. That's my awkward solution to not wanting to be, er, an open book.


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## extremly (Oct 25, 2012)

truant said:


> But I make a point of not censoring myself any more than I have to. I try to write exactly what my subconscious tells me to write, no matter how weird it is. And I personally think that you get much more originality that way and the stories have a lot more life and color. I never have writer's block when I don't censor myself; I think writer's block is almost entirely self-censorship/inhibition.





Paul said:


> I have no problem sharing my writing with the world, but I'd never want to share it with my sister, particularly when there's something personal in it. It's the people who you know best who can do you harm -- strangers can't do anything with whatever they might learn. Writing for strangers should be freeing.



Words to live by! I agree with both of you, when you put it that way. Point is, I get it now. censoring your writing is a big no-no. I still need to figure out whether I am willing to share my writing with someone as closed to me as my sibling or not. If I share it with her, I will use the opportunity to further free my identity from fear of other's judgement. If I don't share it with her, I will try to use the "barrier" between my writings and my personal life as a license to be more genuine and hold nothing back when I am writing.

As to what @Persephone The Dread I get that. Just the other day I was cleaning out my room and I sat down to read what I have written over the years in my many notebooks. A lot of it is chaotic and as I read it felt a need to put distance between the me of today and that past me. But even if that allowed me to cope with the feeling of cringe... it felt like a cop-out. That old me may have had a different mentality and thoughts. But that does not make him any less of "me". It was simply me operating with a different scope of information and life circumstances. I think I still have to learn how to accept all of myself without preconditions. If that makes sense.



@rabidfoxes

I very much relate to everything you said in your post. I hope that approach works for you, but it has not worked for me. Someone much smarter than me said "Lying to others is bad. Lying to yourself is even worse because you end up believing the lie. and Delusions arise". I think his observation makes sense. And thus I will try to avoid lying to myself in the future.


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## Whatswhat (Jan 28, 2018)

Kind of relate to this... I don’t write that much but what I do write is personal (like most other people’s writings) so I feel embarrassed even thinking about anyone else reading it.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

@extremly

It is interesting to read stuff back after it's been so long that you've mostly forgotten what you wrote.


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## Winds (Apr 17, 2011)

It's one of the few areas, well more like the only, area, where I don't hold back apart of myself. It's almost entirely personal, aside from the occasional stuff I post on here. No one I know offline even knows I write. It's my secret hobby/literary man cave.


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## firelight (Jan 31, 2019)

Yes everything is held back, my writing has no naturalness or candor. This includes forum posts. It's too bad because I used to be pretty open although was still very clumsy attempting to write fiction.


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## Starcut83 (Feb 13, 2021)

I don't hold back in my writing. I get how you feel though, I never fully expressed myself in writing or conversation before until I started writing creatively when I was really depressed during covid. Some deep stuff came out that I didn't even know was there. I learned a lot about myself in my writing. It really opened me up, especially after sharing it.


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## RichieRichR (Oct 23, 2021)

It's your creativity and your views anyway. There is no need to be ashamed of them, on the contrary, you are doing yourself a disservice if you do not translate your thoughts into reality.


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

I've gotten used to a certain kind of confessional style to my blogging. An assortment of folks who know me personally know how I tend to write. Certain stuff I've not revealed, only with my therapist. Other stuff I've been much more vulnerable about. It's only been through writing that I've been able to vent in general about lots of topics. A blog post I wrote last year earned no small degree of attention (positive) though it was filled with personally troubling anecdotes.


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## User Not Found (Nov 29, 2018)

Yeah, I know that feeling. I also want to write a science fiction and fantasy story. But there are some ideas which... may be too goofy or weird for some  So I decided to write one version for the public and one secret version for myself.


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## kony22 (7 mo ago)

Yes. I never will ever share any of my writings unless the FBI confiscates my hard drives or something. My parents have called the police to search my room before. But the story remains in my mind though the details are lost. 

For what it's worth the past two years I restarted a story idea from all the way back in grade school which I'd stopped after getting into some trouble with the teachers and stuff for death threats against religious sects which they reported me to the police. After that I never had interest in the low quality fiction I could imagine until I got some stability with lockdown and out of work situations. Now that there is a lull in the reset I have much compunction which totally inhibits writing. It's not that I've lost ideas - I have the rest of the stories all figured out for the most part - it's there is no stability anymore and it's not worth it if my parents are going to be right there watching me forever. I have no space to do anything so it is not worth it. 

As to actual writings I try to tone it down to be family friendly but there is plenty of sex possible. It's much more invigorating to leave parts unsaid and let the reader infer than to state everything. All of it is "cringey" and I wouldn't share it or try to publish it until I was sure it would be marketable. Otherwise it was an enjoyable pastime when I had some stability. If that ever comes back who knows what might happen?


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