# How can I live with derealization disorder?



## niacin (May 26, 2012)

I diagnosed myself. A doctor did not verify it,as I have only been to a psych. once. I am almost certain that I have it. It used to be a lot worse, but now it just has a softer, more chronic presence. When I focus on it, I begin to panic. I have had the chronic kind pretty much continuously without a pause for about 2 years now. Before that, I had a severe episode for about 2 weeks following a few years of severe depression.

I have talked to a couple of friends and family members about it, but nobody really seems to get what it is. Some of them even seemed amused when I told them.

When I talk to people or hang out, I space out and remain very quiet. I don't like talking (well I do, but I rarely have anything to say). Rather, I stare at them, or people around me, and try to "figure them out". Not to gain an upper hand or anything, but their eyes are the only thing that seem real. The words seem to float up into the air and rarely ever make it to my ears. I can act perfectly normal -perhaps quiet and a little awkward at times, but I am always preoccupied and I never feel real. It's hard not to look at people and myself and think of us all as part of an image. My god, I'm reminding myself of Patrick Bateman. "I am not there". 

I think that it is beginning to take a toll on my relationships. I say yes to every date for the hell of it. I've gotten physical with people while feeling completely numb and unaware (no, it was not date rape ). Once, I almost had sex with a guy, then sat up and started crying, telling him that I made a mistake. 

I am not impressed by anything either, which sucks. Don't get me wrong; I am a very appreciative person. I've just never been the type to feel joy from physical gifts (I feign it for politeness's sake). Everything physical seems fleeting, including my existence and personal interactions. It's like I almost like the memory and thought of people than I do the actual presence.

The only thing that calms me down and makes me feel alive/awake is music, photography, and meeting new people. The problem with meeting new people is that I have trouble keeping relationships once the other person grows more dependent. I never try to hurt anyone, but I feel like I push them away (or run away) for whatever reason. Actually, I think photography is the best way to describe it. I view my entire life as I would through a camera lens. I don't mean that in a narcissistic "my life is a movie and y'all are just characters" kind of way.

I focus on the patterns of leaves on the ground, people's postures and silhouettes, and buildings in the distance. Being in a conversation feels less like a mutual interaction and more like I am viewing it through a lens or watching the conversation on a film screen. 

Is there anything I can do to feel more alive? Does anyone else feel this way?

Sorry if this post is lengthy and unorganized. I also apologize if you don't like my writing style. I know it seems a bit wordy and dramatic, but it's how I am best able to articulate my feelings at this moment.


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## Brasilia (Aug 23, 2012)

I can't say I fully understand your condition, but I believe what you say and how you describe it. In fact, I'm certain I've read another thread outlining a similar condition, particularly when you mentioned viewing life through a camera lens, that struck me in particular.

But one thing we do haven in common is the issue with maintaining relationships, and a lot of people feel like this.



> Is there anything I can do to feel more alive? Does anyone else feel this way?


I think maybe this could be your answer:


> The only thing that calms me down and makes me feel alive/awake is music, photography, and meeting new people.


Like I said, I can't fully "relate" to your condition, but I do believe it, and I'm sure others (like your family) need time to understand it. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself and make sure you understand your needs - that's most important. I know when I feel I can't cope with things, I try and do what I like most, even if it's not the usual day-to-day things. So if things like music and photography get you by, then let that be your passion for now. I'm not saying this is the solution to your whole problem and it must it must seem hard too, but to me, you sound capable of being "alive", I guess you can still enjoy your life by learning to make the most of any situation


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## niacin (May 26, 2012)

Brasilia said:


> I can't say I fully understand your condition, but I believe what you say and how you describe it. In fact, I'm certain I've read another thread outlining a similar condition, particularly when you mentioned viewing life through a camera lens, that struck me in particular.
> 
> But one thing we do haven in common is the issue with maintaining relationships, and a lot of people feel like this.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Brasilia  It's always great hearing from you.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

I often feel that eerie disconnected feeling as well, it's as if life is a dream and everyone else around you is living on a different wavelength than you and you don't feel entirely human. You feel as if your watching life happen, although your not exactly a part of it. For me, it tends to be a defense mechanism to distance myself from reality. It just seems to happen without my control. I notice that when I am in this state I feel extremely focused and calm while blocking out the reality that surrounds me, so I kinda like it in that way.

I couldn't imagine what it must be like to feel that way all the time. I've heard that this is very common in anxiety disorders and people who suffer from severe depression. It could be our mind's way of protecting itself from emotional pain, or a fear of potential emotional pain. If you find comfort in things like photography and music and it makes you feel alive and real again, then that shows that derealization is not a permanent part of you.

Let me ask you this: Did you start feeling this way when your lifestyle began to change and you started to become more sociable?


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## Mersault (Dec 18, 2012)

I can relate, at least partly. But i am of the view that everyone is indeed on a different wavelenght to put it that way as well, they just do not realize it. Most people are focused unconsciously on being someone in the world. I am not like that; i mostly understand myself as an entity in my internal world. So other people can seem to be strangely united at times, as if they all were one being, and i another one.


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## zraktor (Jan 27, 2013)

Don't stare at them. They might feel uncomfortable. Or don't stare too long. Just one or two second then look at different thing.


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## daniel83 (Jul 25, 2010)

to me my derealization disorder was like a spiritual revelation, it's like you actually realize that everything is an illusion, a dream


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## jimmythekid (Apr 26, 2010)

I had some problems with derealization when I was about your age. I had panic attacks too. The panic attacks triggered the derealization and vice versa. It would happen just from thinking about it. I depended on Valium until I tried Zoloft, which stopped the attacks completely. I went off that and they never came back.

Point is, it might go away for you too so don't consider it a "for life" thing. Especially before checking with a doctor.


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## nervousgiraffe (Sep 30, 2012)

I know exactly what you're going through. A couple years I began suffering with derealization as well, and I still to this day feel derealized. The one thing that has helped me, in my case, is to stop thinking about it so much. I know that is much easier said than done, but this only leads to panic attacks, which I think makes the derealization worse, but I'm not sure. 

Anyway, as for feeling more alive, what has helped me in my case is to distract myself with things I love doing, which in my case was making music. You said you like photography, music, so try to enjoy these things as much as you can. Over time, this has made my derealization much less intense.


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## jimmythekid (Apr 26, 2010)

I once complained to a GP about it and he said derealization is a normal issue for teenagers and that one grows out of it. So there's hope!


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## tieffers (Jan 26, 2013)

I'm so glad I found this thread. I didn't know how to describe my feelings or if there was even a way to describe them until now, and I honestly worried I was losing my mind. It helps so much knowing there are people out there who can relate. I mean, I'm sorry for everyone who's suffering with this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm glad there are people who understand.

Like ThatOneQuietGuy said, I think depression and anxiety make it a lot worse. The derealization only really affects me when I'm majorly depressed or having a panic attack, and like it's been mentioned, one will trigger the other.

Unfortunately I've gotten in the habit of self-harming because of this. The pain distracts me from my panic and puts me back in my body where I feel things, instead of that miserable sensation of just kind of existing inside your own head all the time. I'm not proud of this, but I don't feel like I'm able to stop at this point.



jimmythekid said:


> I had some problems with derealization when I was about your age. I had panic attacks too. The panic attacks triggered the derealization and vice versa. It would happen just from thinking about it. I depended on Valium until I tried Zoloft, which stopped the attacks completely. I went off that and they never came back.
> 
> Point is, it might go away for you too so don't consider it a "for life" thing. Especially before checking with a doctor.


I can relate to this too. I had derealization and severe panic attacks starting at 5 years old, so my doctor at the time put me on Zoloft as a last-ditch effort to get me some relief and it helped so much. I was on it until I was 17. Stopped taking it for about a year and my symptoms are coming back, so I'm trying Lexapro and it seems to be helping a lot so far.

I'm definitely not saying all SSRIs will help with this, though. Some drugs make it worse. I had the worst derealization of my life the first few days I tried Prozac. Clonazepam too, for some reason.

I really, really hope you all can find some relief. Thank you for making this thread, OP. I've never known a name I could put to my feelings.


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## Majin (Jun 26, 2012)

Everything you said sounds like severe depression and severe anxiety.


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## LittleEarthquakes (Jan 13, 2013)

I don't think your writing style is wordy or dramatic. You're very well-spoken.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I can relate. I've had feelings of derealization since I was about twelve years old. I would be sitting in a restaurant with my family, for example, and all of a sudden I'd have this weird, spacy feeling like I'm not real and they're not real. Like everything has this sort of glistening look to it and I feel separate from my body and the world. It's scary and makes me think I'm losing my mind. Honestly the only thing I've found that helps is getting enough sleep and exercise and eating healthy, but even that doesn't help sometimes. A lot of my panic attacks have been triggered because of derealization.

I've talked to friends about it too. I've said things like: "Isn't it weird how we're just here?" "Do you ever feel like reality is not real?" And they had no idea what I meant; just kind of laughed and gave me a strange look.


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## 0Blythe (Jan 31, 2013)

I know just what you mean. I've had derealization since I was a child although then it was only episodes now it's more of a constant state. I can't really offer you any advice but goodluck.


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## Oliviyaism (Feb 17, 2013)

I have had depersonalization disorder where I thought other people were me. I realized this was a tool for me to cope with my situation. What you experience also sounds a bit like autism because it sounds like you have had it for a long time. If this is even similar to autism having derealization disorder is or could be looked at like, to accept it as either the way you are, or the way you are coping in your life since it developed. So in that way do not be too hard on yourself.


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## deadkittens (Jan 19, 2010)

that didnt really sound like derealization.. i have derealization and i used to have it 24/7 as bad as you can. when i had it bad i couldnt concentrate on what people were talking about and i felt extremely day dreamy. when i had it i felt like i was high. i felt dizzy and off balance and like as i moved i had jello in my head moving side to side slopping around and maing me feel off balance. i also felt ill like i had the flu but i didnt puke or anything but my body had the feeling like i was super run down and sick. looking around the room things seemed like they were too bright and almost like things look different yet hey dont, i can only explain it as things looking too bright. i noticed i would mix up my words lots and call yellow orange etc and i would lisp and my speech was sluggish. my body felt insane. i couldnt even be around my family when my derealization was really bad. i felt so weird that i would watch everyones reactions to what i was saying and doing thinking i must be acting as weird and sick as i was feeling but no one ever noticed but that i would keep to myself. id also be too sick feeling to go out or god forbid see or meet someone. had it 24/7 from 13-19

i had it extreme though. a way to explain it to someone who doesnt have it is to ask them if when they are super over tired, do they feel weird and day dreamy and like things are too bright. its the same feeling people get when they are over tired but not as severe as full on derealization.

also if you have derealization all you have to do is take an anti depressant and the derealization should almost totally go away. i have to take an anti depressant the rest of my life or my derealization comes back. now i only get it if im up over 24 hours etc and not as bad as before.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

niacin said:


> I diagnosed myself. A doctor did not verify it,as I have only been to a psych. once. I am almost certain that I have it. It used to be a lot worse, but now it just has a softer, more chronic presence. When I focus on it, I begin to panic. I have had the chronic kind pretty much continuously without a pause for about 2 years now. Before that, I had a severe episode for about 2 weeks following a few years of severe depression.
> 
> I have talked to a couple of friends and family members about it, but nobody really seems to get what it is. Some of them even seemed amused when I told them.
> 
> ...


Ok, I... ended up bolding the whole ****ing text, but whatever. I could have written this myself. I've been like this since I was a teenager, more or less. I don't remember how I'm _supposed_ to feel like. It seems related to my depression, in my case.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Anxiety triggers the derealization. The key is to limit/work through the anxiety before it gets bad enough to trigger the derealization.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

millenniumman75 said:


> Anxiety triggers the derealization. *The key is to limit/work through the anxiety before it gets bad enough to trigger the derealization.*


How? I don't know if what I experience/have been experiencing throughout my life is derealization(but I don't know what else it could be), but I'm usually "calm" and collected when I'm feeling like this. I never have panic attacks, for example, because I manage to calm myself down when my anxiety goes off.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

I always got this from anxiety, but it took me a while to realize because there was always a waiting period after the anxiety and anxious event until derealisation struck.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

probably offline said:


> How? I don't know if what I experience/have been experiencing throughout my life is derealization(but I don't know what else it could be), but I'm usually "calm" and collected when I'm feeling like this. I never have panic attacks, for example, because I manage to calm myself down when my anxiety goes off.


Derealization/depersonalization is the body reacting to the anxiety. The body cannot keep up with the mind during extreme anxious situations.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

millenniumman75 said:


> Derealization/depersonalization is the body reacting to the anxiety. The body cannot keep up with the mind during extreme anxious situations.


Well, I feel like what OP described basically all the time. I also have constant "controlled" anxiety wherever I am and whatever I do(even when I'm by myself).


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

probably offline said:


> Well, I feel like what OP described basically all the time. I also have constant "controlled" anxiety wherever I am and whatever I do(even when I'm by myself).


We can still get "lost in thought". That is really what triggers it.


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## jate (Apr 17, 2013)

ok. my names jay (usernames jate cos thats my music production name). ive been lurking here and on other forums where people mention derealisation for over a year now. this is the first time ive gone public about it on a forum other than mentioning it in passing to those who i know would never understand. i decided to post here because ive been awake for over forty hours and its another one of those 'i cannot ****ing deal with this **** ruining my life' moments.

self diagnosed. was round a friends house in march 2012, relaxing, playing xbox. had a panic attack, had no idea what was going on, never had one before. i felt weird and spaced out, like i was tripping from smoking too much. went to lay down, didnt help. decided it must just be over tiredness (as ive been an insomniac since age 13, im 21 now). waited a few days. got worse every hour. by 4 days afterwards i was in bed crying and shaking waiting for my parents to get home as they were on holiday. by the time they got home 8 days later i was utterly delusional in bed, crying and shaking, vomiting, screaming and scratching and biting myself. my mum was utterly distraught and had no idea what to do. over the course of 2 months i was taken to hospital, given diazepam, had MRIs, blood tests, full checkups: "nothings wrong youre just anxious".

from then until now, ive slowly regained the path. im now able to walk around and talk to people (sometimes). some days i am crippled and cannot move from bed; others i can go to the shop to buy some smokes or whatever.

i posted here because i want to be part of a group of people who understands this, as i have no ****ing idea what is happening to me. its been over a year and every day i am stricken with confusion, panic, dread, terror and the doubt that my life is even real. i was always philosophical but my rumination surrounding death and mortality has reached the insane; i no longer think about anything else. when im not indulging in escapism playing xbox or producing music or talking to someone, i think about death and suicide as an escape from this new mental universe i am trapped in.

i feel utterly alone. dizzy, nauseous, tired, worried and scared. before this happened i was a diagnosed depressive, with insomnia and 'possible aspergers'. i barely remember my old life. all i remember is what i feel now: dread, detatchment and hatred of life. nothing helps me, nothing fixes anything, everything i do is merely a distraction from how i feel.

drinking alcohol has almost no affect. sex very rarely appeals to me (i used to be very, very sexually active). i used to travel to london every other weekend to enjoy music and spend time with friends (i live in south wales); since ive had derealisation ive barely moved from my room. i am incapable of living my life how i want to, and i am sick and tired of attempting to persevere when everything i try makes me worse.

i live by night as it is due to other ailments, but i see this as a bonus as light damages my eyes and causes me pain. i rarely eat. my sleep has never been worse. if i do manage to sleep, im woken three to four hours later with a nightmare that leaves me disturbed for hours.

there is no catharsis, and i tire of trying. i do not know where to turn now, or what to do. ive been seeing a therapist since august 2012, but thats just temporary escapism again, there is no permamnent help, im just told to 'wait'. 

i dont really want advice or kind words, as if paid therapy and girlfriends and close friends cannot help me i doubt the phantoms of the internet can. i dont really know why im posting here, or what im asking for. i feel like i dont know anything anymore. maybe someone who has this ****ing nightmarish condition will understand what im doing.


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## ilsr (Aug 29, 2010)

Not sure what to comment. You've posted a lot of symptoms, but there are no clues as to the causality of your initial panic attack. Whether it involved other people. A shift in self-concept, sudden permanent loss of self-esteem in comparison to other peoples' happy lives. Or maybe it was something actually traumatic with some individuals which you can't recall or you chose not to detail in your post (or you can't bear to relate it here), or it was so bad your conscious mind made it subconscious and forgot it.


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## jate (Apr 17, 2013)

i was enduring a lot of stress at the time. very depressed, full of hatred and anger constantly. i went to a friends to get away from my home where my tyrannical brother was ruling me like a peasant (sounds minor and childish but it was the icing on the cake on a myriad of other problems). my actual memory isnt THAT bad, it just feels it. well at least my long term isnt that bad. my short term is practically ****ing non existant. i genuinely do not know what i did yesterday. or the day before. the last thing i can remember is what i did a few hours ago. i dont even know what day it is unitl i look it up.

i just need a place to vent how i feel to people who have even heard of derealsation, as its rare that anyone i speak to even knows what it is. ill post updates as i try and discover what has happened to me, if anyones interested in case of being able to relate and help themselves. i am a determined person, and this has nearly ended me, but im trying as hard as i can


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## jate (Apr 17, 2013)

probably offline said:


> Well, I feel like what OP described basically all the time. I also have constant "controlled" anxiety wherever I am and whatever I do(even when I'm by myself).


also this. my derealisation is constant and sharp. its never relieved, only distracted from when im playing games or whatever. its permanently 'on' and nothing stops it


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## riptide991 (Feb 1, 2012)

I had some serious derealization/mdd/anhedonia before meds. Actually one combo that is known to be really good for derealization is clomipramine 200mg+ combined with lamictal. There's some research behind this combination. Point is you don't need to suffer just find the right meds that work for you.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

I know how you feel op. I have a lot of those characteristics. I especially notice the feigning appreciation for gifts. I feel so weird acting out happiness. 
I thought it was just depression, there is a name for this stuff?


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## lifestandsstillhere (Jul 17, 2013)

Words can't describe how happy I was to read this. I know this is a year old, but this is me. This is exactly what I am going through right now. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.


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