# Sleeping With Someone on the First Date



## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

The other night, I went out for the first time with this really great guy. I noticed during the dinner that he kept staring at me and would rarely contribute to the conversation. After two drinks, we finally started to really talk. After dinner, we walked around the neighborhood and at the time, I did not know but he was walking me to his house.

We ended up having sex--twice. I thought he was great but immediately after I felt regret and disgust. He was really attractive, funny, and sweet but I thought he might never want to see me again. Apart of me thinks that there is no way a guy would want to even talk to me unless there was sex involved. I always tell guys I do not want a relationship because I feel like I am not girlfriend potential. I've never been more than a "friends with benefits" girl. As much as it hurts me, I can never express this to *anyone* because I am so ashamed of how I feel about myself.

After the awkward night and the walk of shame, I texted him an apology--he ignored it, I waited a day and sent another text--he ignored it, I sent an email apologizing again today--no response even though he was online. I want to call but I do not want to look like I cannot take a hint but I feel so awful! I want him to know that I am more than just this. The only reason why I am trying so hard is because I really like this guy.

*Is there anything that I can do to make this better? *Should I just wait until he calls me? I am supposed to go back to his neighborhood for a live show but I am afraid of running into him, should I even go? I also want to ask, how long do you typically wait before you have sex with someone?


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

Was there an indication he wanted more than what happened that night? From what you wrote a relationship was not what he was after, but I could be wrong. If I am not wrong, then just let it go.

And in answer to your last question, usually too long and they break up.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

medicinmels said:


> We ended up having sex--twice. I thought he was great but immediately after I felt regret and disgust. He was really attractive, funny, and sweet but I thought he might never want to see me again. *Apart of me thinks that there is no way a guy would want to even talk to me unless there was sex involved. I always tell guys I do not want a relationship because I feel like I am not girlfriend potential*. I've never been more than a "friends with benefits" girl. As much as it hurts me, I can never express this to *anyone* because I am so ashamed of how I feel about myself.


Did you tell him at any point that you didn't want a relationship or even hint at that? You are your own worst enemy feeling this way about yourself because you seem to actually want a relationship. If you did not give him the impression that you did not want a relationship, then he's just not right for you. He's looking for hook-up's, and you do need to move on.

However, consider this a lesson learned. You have to believe that you deserve more. Having sex on the first date is not the end of the world, it just depends on who it's with. Not all guys would drop you over it. But, I would advise against it, especially considering your issues with self-esteem. You need to get to know a guy a little better before taking that step. I really don't know how long you should wait...it's really a judgement call based on your your comfort/trust level with a guy.

Try not to feel ashamed of what happened. You seem like you genuinely want it to work out with someone and may just be going about it the wrong way...


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## jamesd (Feb 17, 2011)

Talk about mixed signals. You say you are not into relationships and even sleep with the guy on the first date....but you want more? If people were more honest about what they really wanted I think life would have less headaches and heartbreaks.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Sounds like he was only after sex tbh and is put off by what he may perceive as you wanting more (which you seem to). You obviously do deep down want a relationship eventhough you say you do not and perhaps you need to start making changes to help improve your self-esteem because you even said yourself that you have been the friends with benefits type and this experience only fuels that. You need to hold firm and not give in to your self-esteem because some guys will feed off it and it will hurt you. I would move on from this guy, seems he wants nothing more than a fling.


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## senrab (Apr 23, 2006)

It sounds like he took you at your word. You said you didn't want to get into a relationship, and he surmised that you liked hook-ups. I'm sorry. I hope you used protection


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

medicinmels said:


> *Is there anything that I can do to make this better? *Should I just wait until he calls me? I am supposed to go back to his neighborhood for a live show but I am afraid of running into him, should I even go? I also want to ask, how long do you typically wait before you have sex with someone?


It sounds like he got what he wanted, so he's done with you. I think its wise to write this off as a lesson learned. Dont expect anything from this guy. If you keep waiting, you will just keep yourself miserable. Dont beat yourself up for it. **** happens.

For your question in bold...Forgive yourself and move on with your life.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

Selbbin said:


> Was there an indication he wanted more than what happened that night? From what you wrote a relationship was not what he was after, but I could be wrong. If I am not wrong, then just let it go.
> 
> And in answer to your last question, usually too long and they break up.


We talked about it before and he told me about how he just got out of a relationship where the girl turned out to be something other than what he thought she way. I did not delve deeper because he seemed guarded. I told him that I was not sure if I wanted a relationship but I was willing to just hang out and see what happens. This is what happened which I honestly should not be surprised by. I just did not expect to like him as much as I did.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

If he's not getting back to you he's clearly not interested in anything further, sorry to say.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

melissa75 said:


> Did you tell him at any point that you didn't want a relationship or even hint at that? You are your own worst enemy feeling this way about yourself because you seem to actually want a relationship.


I initially told him that I was not sure what I wanted but I just wanted to hang out and see what happened. I did actually want a relationship after I got to know a little more about him but then I ruined everything.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

jamesd said:


> Talk about mixed signals. You say you are not into relationships and even sleep with the guy on the first date....but you want more? If people were more honest about what they really wanted I think life would have less headaches and heartbreaks.


You're completely right. I feel like if I tell someone I am interested in a relationship right off the bat, they'll lose interest in me and I'll be all alone again. In the end, that's what happened anyway. I do not know what it means to be a girlfriend or to work towards what could be a lasting relationship. I am awful at hiding my true feelings and I end up hurting myself and wasting both my time and his.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

Selbbin said:


> If he's not getting back to you he's clearly not interested in anything further, sorry to say.


No need to be sorry. I appreciate the honesty. I just deleted his number and all of the text messages/emails. I am not going to bother him. I feel stupid for making the attempt to fix something irreparable.


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

How do you figure _you_ ruined it? It doesn't sound like he was looking for a relationship, whether you slept with him or not. And now he's ignoring you? He sounds like an *******.


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## Selbbin (Aug 10, 2010)

medicinmels said:


> No need to be sorry. I appreciate the honesty. I just deleted his number and all of the text messages/emails. I am not going to bother him. I feel stupid for making the attempt to fix something irreparable.


Don't feel stupid, it's always worth a try. As William Wallace in Braveheart said, if you don't try, you know what will happen? Nothing.


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## destroyX (Nov 20, 2010)

You say you like him but you don't really know him....you've only hung out with him once right?


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

If the dude has the balls to initiate sex on the first date, i rarely doubt he was looking for more.

Its shallow sad and pathetic but a lot of guys (Me included) group women into three groups

1) Not Interested
2) Want to sleep with but not interested in relationship
3) GF/WIFE Material

If a woman is in group 3, then it makes the guy really nervous, and he has lots of trouble taking action with her. Watch all the player movies ect. they capture this perfectly. Main actor has no trouble with women, until he sees one who he can fall in love with and thats when the nervousness shows up


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

You didn't do anything wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. Society tries to make women feel guilty for enjoying sex...but what about the men whom they are sleeping with? Why should we feel bad while they get to feel good about it? 

It sounds like that guy wasn't looking for a relationship, and it wouldn't have mattered if you slept with him on the 1st or 5th date. If he was interested in anything more, then he would not be ignoring your texts.

You didn't do anything to change what he wanted or cause him to lose interest in you. He was most likely just looking for a hook up the whole time. Don't feel bad. Just cut your loses and move on to greener pastures. You will find better.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

It seems like you have a low opinion of yourself and this is making you settle for less that what you really want. Having sex on the first date isn't necessarily bad or off-putting for all guys. However if you are just looking for sex, then you have to OWN it and be comfortable with yourself and your desires. If however, you are putting out just because you think you aren't good enough for a relationship, then having casual sex is just damaging you more. You can't use sex to fill a void in your life that lack of intimacy and emotional connections creates. I'd suggest seeing a therapist and finding ways to overcome low self-esteem. You deserve a lot better than settling for something less than you want and need.

Also, you need to make what you want clear to people you date. To do that, you have to figure it out for yourself first. Most times when people have sex on the first night without much of a connection, it doesn't lead to more than a one-night stand. From his actions, it seems like he doesn't want anything more. Sorry to hear you got hurt.  But use it as motivation to work through your emotional issues.


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## Charizard (Feb 16, 2011)

medicinmels said:


> After the awkward night and the walk of shame, I texted him an apology--he ignored it, I waited a day and sent another text--he ignored it, I sent an email apologizing again today--no response even though he was online.


Sexing him probably didn't kill your chances, but I'm afraid that this will have. It comes off as really insecure and probably clingy.

Anyway, I don't think I could "do the deed" with someone until I at least care about them. There isn't really a set number of dates for that status though, it just depends.


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

It's most often a bad idea. There are plenty around who will just use you for sex and drop you. Many could be pretending they want a relationship just to do this. It's a bad idea to do it so soon unless you're very secure and with it. 

If you want to know if they really want a relationship with you, make the waiting time as long as you can. Those who are in it for sex are more likely to get bored and find another.

I wait about 3 months despite not having sexual hangups or being in danger or vulnerable.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Yeah as it was said earlier, you shouldn't have to apologize. Girls want sex just as much as men and shouldn't feel guilty about having sex on the first date. And they shouldn't feel like they have to "hold out" out of fear that a guy won't respect her if she so-called "puts out" (I hate this phrase. It implies that women are doing us a favor when they have sex with us and that sex isn't some mutually beneficial bond between two human beings) "too early". But if you can't have straight-up casual sex without feeling emotionally vulnerable, then yea don't jump into bed with a guy.

He's a jackass for not replying to your texts and e-mail. That's low. I don't care if your apology text seemed "clingy" or what not. He's a jerk. If you want a loving relationship, all I gotta say about this guy is NEXT...

Apparently it's not good to come off as "clingy" or what not. But personally I think it's refreshing when people are open about how they feel and don't play games.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

Charizard said:


> Sexing him probably didn't kill your chances, but I'm afraid that this will have. *It comes off as really insecure and probably clingy. *


It was clingy/insecure. I do not want to seem like I do not care when I make a mistake, so I attempt to check in with someone hoping that everything is okay. I guess you can either refuse to fix a mistake or you can say you're sorry once and never again. Anything in between is clingy/needy/insecure. I have to work on that because I do not want to appear to be that way to anyone


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

odd_one_out said:


> I wait about 3 months despite not having sexual hangups or being in danger or vulnerable.


I have waited 3-5 months before in two relationships but they never worked out because the sex was god awful. It was so bad, I had to tell the person and then get out of the bed to sleep anywhere else. What's weird about those two previous relationships is something that traumatic occurring during sex makes them constantly try and contact me to ask what went wrong and to apologize. I ignore them and then respond when I feel like it. It is awful because when something similar happened to me I responded in a similar manner. I guess this is karma.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

phoenixwright said:


> Apparently it's not good to come off as "clingy" or what not. But personally I think it's refreshing when people are open about how they feel and don't play games.


I try to be open about my feelings when I truly want to work out differences with someone I am interested in. However, you can either be rude/neglectful or clingy. It is as though there is no in-between. I guess I have to say sorry once and be done with it or never apologize and ignore the person.


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## lanzman (Jun 14, 2004)

Sorry, tbh, great guys do not sleep with women on first dates. Showing some self control will reward you with someone worth keeping.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

I disagree lanzman. I would sleep with a girl I was into on the first date if she was willing. I don't see why this makes someone "not great." Yes I'd prefer it in the context of love but if you are hungry why wait? Grab a Snickers. If I'm attracted to a girl, I like her and she was DTF, what more is needed? I wouldn't want to make a habit of that given all the stds out there but it's just been me and my right hand for a long while now thanks to my SA. Why is it so bad for a human (whether male or female) to want to satisfy a desire that is healthy and doesn't hurt anyone?


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## atomicmelvin (Sep 28, 2011)

Mel,

You really have NOTHING to apologize about! I will never understand why people choose to play games instead of letting people know how they really feel. You liked him - you told him - it didn't work out - next.

I commend your bravery for putting yourself out there - even if the outcome sucked. You need to stop beating yourself up and enjoy the fact that another human being found you interesting, sexy, etc. Use it is to your advantage and increase your confidence - next time you won't feel the need to apologize and realize you did what felt right at the time and that you didn't hurt anyone.


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## medicinmels (Jul 11, 2011)

Charizard said:


> Sexing him probably didn't kill your chances, but I'm afraid that this will have. It comes off as really insecure and probably clingy.
> 
> Anyway, I don't think I could "do the deed" with someone until I at least care about them. There isn't really a set number of dates for that status though, it just depends.


This is a late response from me but you're absolutely right. Since this happened I can't even look a guy in the eyes for fear that I look desperate or too eager for them to speak to me.


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