# dropping out. again.



## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

This is not the first time I've done this. In fact it's more like the third. Except this time I'm dropping out and checking into a mental hospital as soon as possible. I plan on moving in with my mother. 

Over and over again, I have just been dropping out of school and doing poorly in whatever I manage to complete, and the underlying reasons why have never been properly solved. My social anxiety is well controlled, yes, but my generalized is a total nightmare. Whenever I feel up to it again, I only have a little more than a full semester's load until I can graduate with my bachelors. But right now I am getting the help I needed two years ago, and have been constantly denying myself.

In retrospect I have no idea why I've ignored therapy so much. Maybe it's because I saw my social anxiety improve simply by my own actions. I'd fail courses and then go straight back next semester only to withdraw or fail that too. It's like getting punched and coming back for more, just begging for it. It doesn't make any sense. I'm not waiting for this semester's breakdown, I'm going to beat it to the punch and try to get help.

It is so strange though. The last time I went to a hospital was for a suicide attempt. Now I'm waiting for my mother and father to get me and take me back to Atlanta, where they'll check me in to a private center. Part of me is saying that I will never again see the University of Mississippi or any friends I've managed to make there, but another part doubts that. Usually when someone drops out and moves home for an urgent reason, nobody really knows what's happened to them. I've had two days now since my total breakdown and I don't know what to say to people. I've made my goodbyes to two of my closest friends. Aside from them, nobody else knows. It's both nowhere near enough time and far too much time.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with me anymore. It could be anything from bipolar disorder to generalized anxiety disorder to panic disorder or some form of OCD. I just have no idea anymore. This is not the social phobia of my teens, this is something much stranger and more frightening.


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## amalie (Sep 14, 2011)

I know exactly what thats like. I've been to about 5 colleges in the last 3 years and each time i started, I was really amped up and really felt I was going to complete the course. So when it all became to much and I quit I felt like a complete failure and was severly depressed to the point of being suicidal. Thats where I was going wrong, I was putting too much pressure on myself. Remember it's not the end of the world, you can always start again. It does make sense the you keep going back , it shows how much YOU (not that annoying anxiety) wants it. It shows the your not giving in to anxiety.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Take as much time as you need and don't be so hard on yourself 

Hope things start looking up for you soon!

x


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## seafolly (Jun 17, 2010)

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Don't think of it as dropping out. Think of it as getting help and school is just on pause until you're ready. It'll always be there. 

I still remember the night I decided to do exactly what you're about to do. Unfortunately the psychiatrist I went to made it a huge mistake (he merely put me on more drugs and changed the plan to wean me off a benzo to doing nothing at all) BUT I still recovered well enough without him to return. I hope your experience is much more productive!


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## Lisa (Jul 8, 2006)

Hey,

from your posts I always thougt you were pretty much in charge of things.

I think it is a good idea to have your parents pick you up. You can always finish at a later date. There is no point torturing yourself. Get proper treatment and then you will do much better :yes

**hugs** and keep us posted about how you are


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

You'll come out of this OK in the end. I have faith in you!!

Wishing you the best, bezoomny.


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## melissa75 (Feb 16, 2010)

I've come across some of your posts in the past and have been impressed with how intelligent you are. I personally can't imagine that it is just anxiousness that you are dealing with. And, if you haven't been able to take therapy seriously and are experiencing what you're describing, I wonder if you have bipolar II or something else, like you've said. You seem highly intelligent, so please put your health first. This is your chance to take care of yourself especially when your parents are willing to help you. I wish I had done so when I was your age. I wish you the best, and please let us know how you're doing :squeeze.

Edit: And, school can wait .


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## prufrock86 (Sep 18, 2008)

amalie said:


> I know exactly what thats like. I've been to about 5 colleges in the last 3 years and each time i started, I was really amped up and really felt I was going to complete the course. So when it all became to much and I quit I felt like a complete failure and was severly depressed to the point of being suicidal. Thats where I was going wrong, I was putting too much pressure on myself.


I totally relate to this. I've been to like 4 colleges since I graduated HS in 2004, and I haven't been able to complete more than 2 semesters at a time without freaking the eff out and going home. Now I am taking online classes at a community college to gather some more credits but... I just wish I could have just done the full 4 years like everyone else.

I know what you mean, just feeling good at the beginning of the class then just totally bottoming out and leaving. At my last 4 yr school in New York I started off really well but then I just couldn't keep up and started drinking at the library and before class and just wandering around the city crying and talking to strange men until I eventually took 10 Ambien and went to the hospital YIKES.

So, to the original poster, please don't feel like a failure.. look how many of us have been in similar situations. We aren't alone, and college is really hard, especially with the everyday battle with SA, when even getting out of bed to face the day can make you sick... we'll get through it though, I think, and please do not feel so bad. Treat your anxiety and see this time as PRODUCTIVE, because it is NOT a waste of time. You're doing what you need to help yourself and that is a huge step worth taking.


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## FitchForce (Jan 3, 2011)

Thats ok to drop out and come back later. you're only 23 (going by your profile), and you're almost done. It should be ok after you get the help you really need.

Also, i like your avatar. I just saw Rebel without a cause two night ago.


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

The latest theory that my doctor has offered is that I've been having episodes of mania. It would explain a lot, but I know better than to assume that this will fix everything. If it proves true, I suppose I'll have to be medicated for the rest of my life. Frightening.


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## Neptunus (Oct 29, 2007)

^ Not necessarily. The brain is the same as any other _organ_, it too can malfunction. You have a deficiency in some neurotransmitter and medication corrects it, that's all. Not uncommon, and nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish you the best on your path to healing. :squeeze


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## friendly person (Sep 25, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you have withdrawn from classes several times, it's probably a good idea to take a break. You are an intellegent and talented girl. I'm sure you'll graduate when you are ready.

I will offer my opinion here. You can feel free to agree or disagree with it. It sounds like there's some self sabotage going on. Maybe you are worried about the future and how you're going to make it in the "real world" after graduation. This is a legitimate concern and a common fear of students. For those with anxiety issues, it can trigger emotional episodes and self defeating behavior. It can even cause students to drop out. Maybe you'll want to explore this idea, and create some sort of game plan/goals for your life after graduation, something you can genuinely look forward to, so you feel more in control of your life.

I wish you well!


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