# I think I'm a ****.



## kreeper

Not the type that parties and posts a ton of scandalous pictures on Facebook. But I've had sex with a somewhat considerable amount of people, and I don't even really enjoy it. I mean, the idea is cool, I get a rush from it --- but, without getting graphic, the act tends to be more uncomfortable or painful for me than it is pleasurable. 

I go on dates with people I've met online, and by date I sometimes mean just meeting with the intention of having sex. On the way there, sometimes I get this feeling of dread, like what the hell am I doing, I could get raped and killed. Or, wow, this guy is going to be disappointed when they see what my body looks like in person. I still go through with it anyways for fear of angering the person. When I'm in the act, my mind is just not where it should be. 

The solution seems simple --- stop seeking out guys to do this with. But I can't help it. It's not like I'm addicted to sex... I'm more addicted to the psychological satisfaction it gets me. If I haven't had sex in a while, I feel uglier and more worthless than usual. I need the intimate connection, even if it's only imagined on my part that he actually cares for me or likes me. I get a thrill thinking about my sexual exploits, moreso after the fact than during them, usually. I think about those, as well as just the remembered feeling of having someone in bed next to me, when I go to sleep almost every night.

And when I date people who aren't immediately into sex, and who aren't particularly physically attractive... I don't know what to do. I get bored, I feel like there's something wrong with me that they aren't interested in sex. As terrible as it is, I find myself physically attracted to guys who are more likely to treat me as a piece of meat. 

There are exceptions to this --- the guy I'm really hung up on right now, is someone who I really clicked with on an intellectual and personal level (though the physical attraction was still definitely there, our relationship involved a lot of talking and simply enjoying each other's company). But since he's not an option right now, I've ended up dating multiple guys at once to avoid being alone (if one rejects me, there's still others!). And it's caused me a significant amount of stress, including having a guy that I was actually really starting to like, enter a "serious" relationship with someone else, with me finding out through Facebook. (Long story, but I essentially provided a shoulder for him to cry on, he was all, "Oh how I've missed you!", and then when I confronted him about the change in relationship status, he said "I thought we were just friends.")

Can anyone else relate to this? I am such a weirdo. And I'm well aware that guys will have sex with a girl simply because she's easy (she can look like the troll under the bridge), so the satisfaction I get from this doesn't really make sense. :/ Also, I'm aware of the risk of STDs and pregnancy --- that I have tightly under control.


----------



## kreeper

TL;DR --> The short of this is, does anyone else have sex with a lot of people NOT because they enjoy the act itself, but to satisfy some strange psychological need?


----------



## Buerhle

Well, that would be fun. 

I do understand the 'thrill' part of it.

I would like to do what your doing, I think, but I don't.


----------



## rdrr

How do you feel when you are not dating, are single, and not having any sexual intercourse, whatsoever?


----------



## Knowbody

it was wise to come to a forum filled with a bunch of male virgins and vent about this


----------



## kreeper

rdrr said:


> How do you feel when you are not dating, are single, and not having any sexual intercourse, whatsoever?


Desperately alone. That's when my fear of being alone forever really comes to the surface. I mean, it's kind of ridiculous when I think about it, because obviously I can always get SOME sort of date lined up in a relatively short amount of time... But when I'm not talking to any guys, I feel empty and anxious.


----------



## kreeper

Whir said:


> Well, that would be fun.
> 
> I do understand the 'thrill' part of it.
> 
> I would like to do what your doing, I think, but I don't.


It's really better that you don't probably... Unless you honestly enjoy sex. Then I'd go for it, lol, assuming you are prepared for the mess of, well, everything that sometimes follows.


----------



## Xtraneous

Oh hai.


----------



## kreeper

Knowbody said:


> it was wise to come to a forum filled with a bunch of male virgins and vent about this


Well, according to that poll awhile ago, there were a number of guys that had kissed over 20, 50, even 100 people. So I was thinking maybe there were others like me.  And on the other hand, I have been in a similar boat to the male virgins --- no attention whatsoever from the opposite sex, never been kissed, thought I would never ever have any sort of romantic relationship --- this was my life until about age 17. And I know that's not terribly old to be never-kissed, but I honestly felt all those feelings and thought it a hopeless situation. Constant source of depression for me at the time.


----------



## rdrr

Knowbody said:


> it was wise to come to a forum filled with a bunch of male virgins and vent about this


Comparison is futile. Everyone's experiences are unique.


----------



## kreeper

wickedlovely said:


> Where do you suggest she goes to vent?
> This is a support site and she's using it for what it was intended for.


Thanks.


----------



## coldsorehighlighter

...will you marry me? :duck


----------



## rdrr

kreeper said:


> Desperately alone. That's when my fear of being alone forever really comes to the surface. I mean, it's kind of ridiculous when I think about it, because obviously I can always get SOME sort of date lined up in a relatively short amount of time... But when I'm not talking to any guys, I feel empty and anxious.


I see. Sounds like you use the "sex" as a emotional/social/value crutch, the feeling of power and risk it brings. Why should you fear being alone? If you have the ability to find someone, why not find a good person that suits you? Maybe take your time in this process? You arent going to lose your ability to date and attract someone. It sounds like you need to learn HOW to be alone. What will you do in the constraints of a relationship? You might just be dependent. Like you said, the best thing is to stop that behavior, and possibly focus on other means of excitement or happiness.


----------



## kreeper

the cheat said:


> ...will you marry me? :duck


You're sweet. XP


----------



## Lateralus

kreeper said:


> I go on dates with people I've met online, and by date I sometimes mean just meeting with the intention of having sex.


Location: California


----------



## Lateralus

rdrr said:


> I see. Sounds like you use the "sex" as a emotional/social/value crutch, the feeling of power and risk it brings. Why should you fear being alone? If you have the ability to find someone, why not find a good person that suits you? Maybe take your time in this process? You arent going to lose your ability to date and attract someone. It sounds like you need to learn HOW to be alone. What will you do in the constraints of a relationship? You might just be dependent. Like you said, the best thing is to stop that behavior, and possibly focus on other means of excitement or happiness.


In all seriousness though I agree with this.


----------



## komorikun

I think you're just young and having fun. I wouldn't worry about it too much other than not enjoying the sex part. You should make a thread in the 18+ group to get more graphic advice. I know that I would often have sex just because I was lonely and bored. It's so hard to make friends but getting sex is so easy. How is your social life in general?


----------



## Syndacus

I was hoping of another OP to be doing this topic so I can troll, but not the case.


----------



## kreeper

rdrr said:


> I see. Sounds like you use the "sex" as a emotional/social/value crutch, the feeling of power and risk it brings. Why should you fear being alone? If you have the ability to find someone, why not find a good person that suits you? Maybe take your time in this process? You arent going to lose your ability to date and attract someone. It sounds like you need to learn HOW to be alone. What will you do in the constraints of a relationship? You might just be dependent. Like you said, the best thing is to stop that behavior, and possibly focus on other means of excitement or happiness.


I think I know all that on some level, I just need to get it through my thick head. My emotions are like the retarded inbred cousin to my logical mind, lol. But I agree with what you're saying, and I think that's the direction I need to be heading.


----------



## kreeper

lateralus said:


> location: California


Teehee


----------



## KelsKels

You are not a ****! You use sex to fill a void, which doesnt make you a bad person but isnt the right thing to do either. Obviously you dont really want to be doing this. You need to work on yourself and learn how to be happy by yourself and know you arent worthless if you arent having sex or dating. Do you go to therapy? It would be a great way to work on things. Sometimes realization and trying to work on it by yourself just isnt enough.


----------



## kreeper

komorikun said:


> I think you're just young and having fun. I wouldn't worry about it too much other than not enjoying the sex part. You should make a thread in the 18+ group to get more graphic advice. I know that I would often have sex just because I was lonely and bored. It's so hard to make friends but getting sex is so easy. How is your social life in general?


That is very true, easy to find someone who will have sex with you, harder to find someone who will actually like you and want to spend time with you. I can definitely relate to the lonely and bored thing lol. My social life is decent --- I have several friends in college, just not any close male friends. I've always been terrible at making friends (with no romance involved) with the opposite sex. I do keep to myself sometimes though, I like having my own private time.


----------



## rdrr

kreeper said:


> I think I know all that on some level, I just need to get it through my thick head. My emotions are like the retarded inbred cousin to my logical mind, lol. But I agree with what you're saying, and I think that's the direction I need to be heading.


You'll figure it out. You are "being young and having fun", as komorikun stated. You don't sound like a weirdo at all. You are just like most college-aged sexually active people. Just looking for something, somewhere, at sometime to make them feel good.


----------



## kreeper

Syndacus said:


> I was hoping of another OP to be doing this topic so I can troll, but not the case.


Thank you, I think? Lol.


----------



## Nada

I am happily sexless and dateless, no females complaining or nagging me. Ah this is the life. What were we talking about again?


----------



## kreeper

KelsKels said:


> You are not a ****! You use sex to fill a void, which doesnt make you a bad person but isnt the right thing to do either. Obviously you dont really want to be doing this. You need to work on yourself and learn how to be happy by yourself and know you arent worthless if you arent having sex or dating. Do you go to therapy? It would be a great way to work on things. Sometimes realization and trying to work on it by yourself just isnt enough.


Thank you.  I think therapy would be great for me actually, I've done it before and it was helpful. Although unfortunately my mom and I shared the therapist, so ended up lying about a bunch of things with the fear that they'd get back to my mom. But yes, I really should try to schedule an appointment with the university therapist!


----------



## kreeper

Nada said:


> I am happily sexless and dateless, no females complaining or nagging me. Ah this is the life. What were we talking about again?


At least we have ragecomics to keep us company?


----------



## John316C

from reading your post; im sure you are addicted to sex. if your having sex for any reason that you feel is not in your best interest and you keep doing it; id say thats an addiction. your addicted to your own body chemicals. whether the reason is psychological or sexual. doesnt make a difference. its what u get out of it thats feeding your body. i kind of know what you feel. how 'bout you try finding some good looking male friends to talk to to keep you in-line? ...also you should become aware of how you get these thoughts.


----------



## 50piecesteve

Lateralus said:


> Location: California


Lmao!! :high5


----------



## meganmila

Lord the people in here sigh. Anyways, I will just ignore them. She's asking for support geez. I have done the same thing you are doing. Meeting people online and hanging out but then it always turns physical. I did it cause it gave me a rush of feelings...endorphins I suppose. But it didn't really make me happy cause afterwards I would feel sad and used and lonely. I would also feel some sort of satisfying feeling though. I dunno how you old you are...you seem young. Oh! and you are not a ****! I hate that word...it's just to degrade women. You just want to fill something inside of you. If you ever wanna talk about it more without someone judging you..you can always talk to me


----------



## AussiePea

Perhaps it's the need to feel wanted in any way you can get it, and let's face it, the majority of guys will be more than keen to get intimate straight up so it's an easy source to fore-fill that desire.

Pretty sure my housemate is going through the same as you currently. She has about 3 guys on the run and it's just one night stand after the next, and they are complete jerks as well, I mean I had to pick her up from the size of the road crying last week after one was a douche to her, and what does she tell me last night? That she wants to hookup with him again *slams head*. It's irrational and a strong desire for acceptance I suppose and hopefully when you do find someone who does more for you than just sex and you feel some kind of connection than that will be what you need to progress to the next stage of your life and out of this phase which is obviously not a healthy one for you, given your mental anguish concerning it.


----------



## Kathykook

Xtraneous said:


> Oh hai.


Lol. ****ing love this kid.


----------



## rymo

meganmila said:


> lord the people in here sigh. Anyways, i will just ignore them. She's asking for support geez. I have done the same thing you are doing. Meeting people online and hanging out but then it always turns physical. I did it cause it gave me a rush of feelings...endorphins i suppose. But it didn't really make me happy cause afterwards i would feel sad and used and lonely. I would also feel some sort of satisfying feeling though. I dunno how you old you are...you seem young. Oh! And you are not a ****! I hate that word...it's just to degrade women. *you just want to fill something inside of you*. If you ever wanna talk about it more without someone judging you..you can always talk to me


｡◕ ‿ ◕｡


----------



## Jenikyula gone mad

komorikun said:


> I think you're just young and having fun. I wouldn't worry about it too much other than not enjoying the sex part. You should make a thread in the 18+ group to get more graphic advice. I know that I would often have sex just because I was lonely and bored. It's so hard to make friends* but getting sex is so easy*. How is your social life in general?


Hold up hold up hold up. Can you explain, please, how to get the sex? Step by step, in great detail? O__O


----------



## Squirrelevant

Knowbody said:


> it was wise to come to a forum filled with a bunch of male virgins and vent about this


Sorry to get all memey, but this applies well here:


----------



## Paperwings

rdrr said:


> I see. Sounds like you use the "sex" as a emotional/social/value crutch, the feeling of power and risk it brings. Why should you fear being alone? If you have the ability to find someone, why not find a good person that suits you? Maybe take your time in this process? You arent going to lose your ability to date and attract someone. It sounds like you need to learn HOW to be alone. What will you do in the constraints of a relationship? You might just be dependent. Like you said, the best thing is to stop that behavior, and possibly focus on other means of excitement or happiness.


pretty much this, and for major sexual urges you could try sex toys, they're most likely a lot safer! and there's nothing wrong with using them, hell I was considering getting a fleshlight. We all know the stigma about men and sex toys, but I am physiologically incapable of giving a damn anymore. =)


----------



## Ape in space

Like rdrr said, it looks like you need to train yourself how to be alone. If you don't have a way to find fulfillment outside of other people, you will naturally try to get it from other people. Find things you are interested in, and start doing them alone. It might be hard at first with the anxiety and everything, but eventually you learn to like having fun on your own. It can be as simple as taking walks or visiting museums or whatever you like to do. If you can do this, you will be much less dependent on sex as a way of validating yourself. And don't call yourself names - forget about how you think society perceives you. You simply are having a problem and are looking for ways to overcome it, that's all.


----------



## Milco

rymo said:


> ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡









Jenikyula gone mad said:


> Hold up hold up hold up. Can you explain, please, how to get the sex? Step by step, in great detail? O__O


1) Find somebody you like and try talking to them and if you get along well. If it's a guy, skip to (3).
2) No clue :um
3) Ask if they want to have sex.

I'm embarrassed to admit on behalf of my gender, that that would probably work on most.
Finding somebody that's worth it and who you feel comfortable with is the hard part.


----------



## nervousman

Kreeper, this brings up an interesting question: What's your phone number? haha


----------



## missalyssa

I get it. I had a period like that in my life. Sex itself is ok, but I loooooved the feeling of knowing how badly / how many guys WANT me! It felt so good to feel hot and wanted like the naughty little hot girl guys only dream about. It can only last so long, though.. And you will start to crave more than being wanted- you will want to be loved and cared for. And these sexual encounters cannot bring you that, you might start to wish one of those guys will want you for who you are.. You might hope that they will meet you with the intention of bangin a hot chick and then simultaneously fall for your rockin personality. That won't happen - they are in it for sex and sex only. If you want a guy for a quality relationship don't give in too quickly.


----------



## shyguyy

I have the weirdest feeling.


----------



## rymo

shyguyy said:


> I have the weirdest feeling.


Is it green or something?


----------



## bobthebuilder

Social Anxiety forum, sex with lots of people vent thread. Does not compute.


----------



## 50piecesteve

shyguyy said:


> I have the weirdest boner.


hahaha, by the way nice trap bro.........


----------



## Venompoo

It's your SA your not a **** ...

You shouldn't feel pressured to do it


----------



## Blawnka

Ew, yo.


----------



## 50piecesteve

Blawnka said:


> Ew, yo.


I have to agree with this post right here, im not saying you are a ****, but you should consider a lifestyle change, I mean i know you made this thread to vent and get support however maybe if you hear a little criticism it would help as well, but sounds to me as mentioned a couple times already, you are having sex to validate yourself and thats something you dont want to get caught up in, as a guy I split gals up into 2 categories, Girls I use to get my rocks off, and girls I can bring home to mom to meet and have a relationship with, now with that being said i know the tables can be turned on me, with people saying "thats disturbing" or "gross" but fact of the matter izzz thats how guys think for the most part and if your having sex with guys just for the hell of it well you got an issue, again not trying to be mean or nothing. Im just not going to be like everybody in here, especially the females and tell you what you want to hear, the truth sucks sometimes.....


----------



## rymo

50piecesteve said:


> I have to agree with this post right here, im not saying you are a ****, but you should consider a lifestyle change, I mean i know you made this thread to vent and get support however maybe if you hear a little criticism it would help as well, but sounds to me as mentioned a couple times already, you are having sex to validate yourself and thats something you dont want to get caught up in, as a guy I split gals up into 2 categories, Girls I use to get my rocks off, and girls I can bring home to mom to meet and have a relationship with, now with that being said i know the tables can be turned on me, with people saying "thats disturbing" or "gross" but fact of the matter izzz thats how guys think for the most part and *if your having sex with guys just for the hell of it well you got an issue*, again not trying to be mean or nothing. Im just not going to be like everybody in here, especially the females and tell you what you want to hear, the truth sucks sometimes.....


truly insightful :b


----------



## alissaxvanity

we should so PM about this because I have this problem. They call it love addiction


----------



## au Lait

50piecesteve said:


> I have to agree with this post right here, im not saying you are a ****, but you should consider a lifestyle change, I mean i know you made this thread to vent and get support however maybe if you hear a little criticism it would help as well, but sounds to me as mentioned a couple times already, you are having sex to validate yourself and thats something you dont want to get caught up in, as a guy I split gals up into 2 categories, *Girls I use to get my rocks off*, and girls I can bring home to mom to meet and have a relationship with, now with that being said i know the tables can be turned on me, with people saying "thats disturbing" or "gross" but fact of the matter izzz thats how guys think for the most part and *if your having sex with guys just for the hell of it well you got an issue*, again not trying to be mean or nothing. Im just not going to be like everybody in here, especially the females and tell you what you want to hear, the truth sucks sometimes.....


You just admitted that you use girls to "get your rocks off", so why does a woman who does the same thing with men have an "issue"?

Oh double standards. You will never cease to baffle me with your willful hypocrisy.


----------



## alissaxvanity

50piecesteve said:


> I have to agree with this post right here, im not saying you are a ****, but you should consider a lifestyle change, I mean i know you made this thread to vent and get support however maybe if you hear a little criticism it would help as well, but sounds to me as mentioned a couple times already, you are having sex to validate yourself and thats something you dont want to get caught up in, as a guy I split gals up into 2 categories, Girls I use to get my rocks off, and girls I can bring home to mom to meet and have a relationship with, now with that being said i know the tables can be turned on me, with people saying "thats disturbing" or "gross" but fact of the matter izzz thats how guys think for the most part and if your having sex with guys just for the hell of it well you got an issue, again not trying to be mean or nothing. Im just not going to be like everybody in here, especially the females and tell you what you want to hear, the truth sucks sometimes.....


It's Victorian England up in here. What exactly is wrong with having sex just for the hell of it? why do you do it? to save the world of hunger? lol

seriously, girl, do what ever you want. There is no such thing as a ****, just guys who can't handle girls who don't act submissive. You're allowed to have sex, the real issue is weather you are happy.


----------



## rymo

alissaxvanity said:


> we should so PM about this because I have this problem. They call it love addiction


Sounds more like sex addiction to me


----------



## alissaxvanity

rymo said:


> Sounds more like sex addiction to me


No, she said she doesn't enjoy the sex, but the psychological aspect of it. Sex is a gateway. But the two are kind of similar and sometimes you can have both.


----------



## 50piecesteve

au Lait said:


> You just admitted that you use girls to "get your rocks off", so why does a woman who does the same thing with men have an "issue"?
> 
> Oh double standards. You will never cease to baffle me with your willful hypocrisy.


what did i say after that??? :|



alissaxvanity said:


> It's Victorian England up in here. What exactly is wrong with having sex just for the hell of it? why do you do it? to save the world of hunger? lol
> 
> seriously, girl, do what ever you want. There is no such thing as a ****, just guys who can't handle girls who don't act submissive. You're allowed to have sex, the real issue is weather you are happy.


she says she does it in situations where it makes her feel uncomfortable and it is painful for her, also you dont see a problem with sleeping with a ton of people to validate yourself as a human being??


----------



## Xtraneous

I'll be your psychological release.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

Typical people in their early 20's do this.

Most people who have SAD don't do this, simply because the opposite sex scare them. It makes me question how deep your social anxiety is, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Meh, I just wish I could kiss or have sex with ONE GIRL without feeling like running away.


----------



## 50piecesteve

alissaxvanity said:


> It's Victorian England up in here. What exactly is wrong with having sex just for the hell of it? why do you do it? to save the world of hunger? lol
> 
> seriously, girl, do what ever you want. There is no such thing as a ****, just guys who can't handle girls who don't act submissive. You're allowed to have sex, *the real issue is weather you are happy.*


...................and obviously by reading her post this behavior does not make her happy


----------



## missingno

Is this a rhetorical question?


----------



## geepeeone

I applaud you for your courage and honestly in coming out with this. I wouldn't have expected it from someone so young as you and that alone speaks for itself and may be considered as evidence of progress. 

I get why you're doing what you're doing but I don't get why it has to be with different guys? I mean, you're attractive -- yes you are --and I bet there have been a few who've met your expectations as "boyfriend" material". Why not go into a steady relationship? 

I mean, being with different guys increases your VD risk exponentially, but with one person, your boyfriend, it's easier to control the risks. You have to look out for yourself, really. It is hard fixing this, otherwise you would have already fixed it, but please try to deal with it with your future health in mind. 

Consider this. Can you imagine what it would be like if you meet someone, fall head over heels for him, then only when you get to the physical relationship, have to tell him that you an incurable VD and that contracting it would mean that he would have to deal with it THE REST OF HIS LIFE?

It's a hard pill to swallow, and will likely result in someone walking out the door. Just get a steady boyfriend for now, OK?


----------



## Rainbat

Sounds like you have some serious developmental issues if you're drawn towards guys who treat you like you're a piece of meat.

I'd consider counseling.


----------



## kreeper

geepeeone: I would love to have a steady boyfriend, but the opportunity has just not come around. Well, I've been with a couple that have wanted a serious relationship, but it's always the ones I'm not all that into. For physical reasons, but also, significantly, because the chemistry between our personalities is just not there. The couple guys that I've really liked, that I would gladly jump into a committed relationship with... It just hasn't worked out yet. One moved across the country and will be there until fall, he's older than me, and I feel like he's kind of afraid of close relationships. The other, well, he's either in a job that demands a lot of secrecy, or he's a big fat liar, cannot tell which yet. The STD risk is a serious thing and something I am very careful about.

50piecesteve: I think the issue for me is more that I'm not just having sex with people because it's fun, there's something else going on there... Which I believe you acknowledged later. But I do the same thing with guys, grouping them into categories: boytoys vs. someone I would actually want to be in a relationship with. XP Girls can do things like that too. I should have made the thread title "I think I'm a player" or "serial lover" or something like that, because really I think the term "****" is unfair to women. I will step down from my soap box though. Really though, I do appreciate the advice.


----------



## kreeper

Ospi said:


> Perhaps it's the need to feel wanted in any way you can get it, and let's face it, the majority of guys will be more than keen to get intimate straight up so it's an easy source to fore-fill that desire.
> 
> Pretty sure my housemate is going through the same as you currently. She has about 3 guys on the run and it's just one night stand after the next, and they are complete jerks as well, I mean I had to pick her up from the size of the road crying last week after one was a douche to her, and what does she tell me last night? That she wants to hookup with him again *slams head*. It's irrational and a strong desire for acceptance I suppose and hopefully when you do find someone who does more for you than just sex and you feel some kind of connection than that will be what you need to progress to the next stage of your life and out of this phase which is obviously not a healthy one for you, given your mental anguish concerning it.


I think you hit the nail on the head. My hypothesis for this need is that growing up I had no male attention whatsoever. I get a little less ugly, I find that I can get male attention, and then I really, really want it. It's like I'm compensating for the years when guys would hit on all my friends but ignore me, when we were literally standing right next to each other. It's like I didn't even cross their radar, I was so unattractive. You're a good housemate though, that you take care of that girl even though it sounds like the situation is terribly frustrating! 

And thank you for all the advice everyone.  Some of your posts crack me up, lol. I really appreciate the support.


----------



## 50piecesteve

kreeper said:


> 50piecesteve: I think the issue for me is more that I'm not just having sex with people because it's fun, there's something else going on there... Which I believe you acknowledged later. But I do the same thing with guys, grouping them into categories: boytoys vs. someone I would actually want to be in a relationship with. XP Girls can do things like that too. I should have made the thread title "I think I'm a player" or "serial lover" or something like that, because really I think the term "****" is unfair to women. I will step down from my soap box though. Really though, I do appreciate the advice.


No problem, and absolutely in no way i was implying there is a double standard. Like i said i wasnt trying to be mean or nothing, i just read all the replies of people just telling you what you wanted to hear and had to put my piece in their.


----------



## Some Russian Guy

kreeper said:


> Not the type that parties and posts a ton of scandalous pictures on Facebook. But I've had sex with a somewhat considerable amount of people, and I don't even really enjoy it. I mean, the idea is cool, I get a rush from it --- but, without getting graphic, the act tends to be more uncomfortable or painful for me than it is pleasurable.
> 
> I go on dates with people I've met online, and by date I sometimes mean just meeting with the intention of having sex. On the way there, sometimes I get this feeling of dread, like what the hell am I doing, I could get raped and killed. Or, wow, this guy is going to be disappointed when they see what my body looks like in person. I still go through with it anyways for fear of angering the person. When I'm in the act, my mind is just not where it should be.
> 
> The solution seems simple --- stop seeking out guys to do this with. But I can't help it. It's not like I'm addicted to sex... I'm more addicted to the psychological satisfaction it gets me. If I haven't had sex in a while, I feel uglier and more worthless than usual. I need the intimate connection, even if it's only imagined on my part that he actually cares for me or likes me. I get a thrill thinking about my sexual exploits, moreso after the fact than during them, usually. I think about those, as well as just the remembered feeling of having someone in bed next to me, when I go to sleep almost every night.
> 
> And when I date people who aren't immediately into sex, and who aren't particularly physically attractive... I don't know what to do. I get bored, I feel like there's something wrong with me that they aren't interested in sex. As terrible as it is, I find myself physically attracted to guys who are more likely to treat me as a piece of meat.
> 
> There are exceptions to this --- the guy I'm really hung up on right now, is someone who I really clicked with on an intellectual and personal level (though the physical attraction was still definitely there, our relationship involved a lot of talking and simply enjoying each other's company). But since he's not an option right now, I've ended up dating multiple guys at once to avoid being alone (if one rejects me, there's still others!). And it's caused me a significant amount of stress, including having a guy that I was actually really starting to like, enter a "serious" relationship with someone else, with me finding out through Facebook. (Long story, but I essentially provided a shoulder for him to cry on, he was all, "Oh how I've missed you!", and then when I confronted him about the change in relationship status, he said "I thought we were just friends.")
> 
> Can anyone else relate to this? I am such a weirdo. And I'm well aware that guys will have sex with a girl simply because she's easy (she can look like the troll under the bridge), so the satisfaction I get from this doesn't really make sense. :/ Also, I'm aware of the risk of STDs and pregnancy --- that I have tightly under control.


i don't believe a single word that you've said... you must prove it, with pictures of course


----------



## scarpia

You may have trouble getting a steady bf when he finds out about your sexual history. I hope you get tested for STDs.

From what I have read people with behavioral addictions often have low self esteem. It sounds to me like this is wht you are dealing with. Maybe you can feel better about youself by doing volunteer work. 

I would also consider getting a dog and eating more chocolate.


----------



## kreeper

scarpia said:


> You may have trouble getting a steady bf when he finds out about your sexual history. I hope you get tested for STDs.
> 
> From what I have read people with behavioral addictions often have low self esteem. It sounds to me like this is wht you are dealing with. Maybe you can feel better about youself by doing volunteer work.
> 
> I would also consider getting a dog and eating more chocolate.


I really am very, very careful about the STD thing. But eating more chocolate does sound wonderful!  The thing with dogs though, is I have two and yesterday one pooped all over and I had to clean it up. Kind of ruined my day.  Hmm, probably shouldn't talk about chocolate and poop in the same paragraph.... :/


----------



## foe

Kreeper, where do women like yourself hang out at? ... Just curious, that's all. 

:um


----------



## geepeeone

kreeper said:


> geepeeone: I would love to have a steady boyfriend, but the opportunity has just not come around. Well, I've been with a couple that have wanted a serious relationship, but it's always the ones I'm not all that into. For physical reasons, but also, significantly, because the chemistry between our personalities is just not there. The couple guys that I've really liked, that I would gladly jump into a committed relationship with... It just hasn't worked out yet. One moved across the country and will be there until fall, he's older than me, and I feel like he's kind of afraid of close relationships. The other, well, he's either in a job that demands a lot of secrecy, or he's a big fat liar, cannot tell which yet. The STD risk is a serious thing and something I am very careful about.


Glad to hear that you are keeping a watchful eye on your future health. Sorry though that a steady relationship is somewhat not a possibility right now for you, but hopefully you find someone you mesh with, both in the physical as well as the emotional sense. But soon I hope.

And oh . . . the second guy is lying. He gave you a line and I hope you saw right through it. I've always wondered if that excuse worked . . . after I've read it in some manual somewhere I don't specifically recall.


----------



## estse

Edit: I'd be the same way if life presented itself differently. The end.


----------



## meganmila

WintersTale said:


> Typical people in their early 20's do this.
> 
> Most people who have SAD don't do this, simply because the opposite sex scare them. It makes me question how deep your social anxiety is, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.
> 
> Meh, I just wish I could kiss or have sex with ONE GIRL without feeling like running away.


People have different types of SA. Back when I did that I was really naive and made impulsive decisions. And right before we met I was extremely nervous but I pulled through anyways. Doesn't mean they don't have extreme SA. I blamed on what I did by feeling lonely, low self esteem, I wanted to feel wanted so attention. Mostly is was the loneliness.


----------



## Define Me

Hey,

Thing is......And this is with everything in life generally speaking; too much is never good. It's like getting to eat a piece of chocolate (if that's what you think tastes good (I think so)) once a week, but then you start eating it twice a week, thrice a week, four times a week.....Until you eat a piece of chocolate each and every hour.

The result is that it will become a generic act in which you don't even like the taste anymore, but you feel like needing it, like you can't function without it. That my dear sas'er is what's called an 'addiction'.

Now eating chocolate each hour is obviously not good for your health. You will become obese in time and will develop artery problems.

The same is with what you're describing, but instead of a physical negative side, your mind gets tarnished. In other words; your mental condition.

By no means am I trying to tell you what to do, but find yourself an honest man, get to know him, have dinner with him and then you two love birds can do it. Bond a strong relationship and create trust between the two of you.

AND YES be picky on the looks if you want to. Just remember that guys who are too hot for their own good are usually jackasses who will sleep with someone behind your back the first chance they get it. Obviously not for every male....

The reason you have sex with multiple people is either because you're very horny (kinky?) or you can't settle. Do you honestly want to become that 40 year old single milf? I'm just saying.....


----------



## bsd3355

Kreeper, where have you been all my life?


Honestly, who cares? Just be safe. And if your ever in the Ohio area hit me up 

Who's to say your not just having sex for the enjoyment of it. If that's the case, then that's OK. Personally, I'm tired of feeling guilty or bad feelings for anyone or myself for doing something so natural. Society is twisted and morally bogged down. Just be safe.

I honestly wish I was more open about this when I was younger because it would of saved me so much guilt and hatred. People just need to let go and chill.


----------



## bezoomny

I had a similar problem. It turns out that it was likely a symptom of mania, and when I went on mood stabilizers and left my college it went away entirely.

If this hypersexuality comes and goes with any sort of regularity or is combined with other symptoms of mania, I'd see a doctor. If not, then it's up to you if you want to change your behavior. I kinda changed mine by accident when I started seeking treatment for bipolarity. If not, then I don't have any advice that I think would be helpful. Just wanted to let you know that I've been there.


----------



## stylicho

I would eliminate the online dating thing altogether. Because for me online dating was almost like the world of make believe.


----------



## CoolSauce

where can I find people like you, kreeper?


----------



## alissaxvanity

50piecesteve said:


> ...................and obviously by reading her post this behavior does not make her happy


PEOPLE ARE MAKING THIS ABOUT A ****ING MORAL JUDGEMENT, stop pretending like they are actually just concerned about her happyness. Puhlease


----------



## ivankaramazov

You're validating yourself based on how much sex you have, even though you find sex painful and unenjoyable. Sounds like end-stage addiction to me. Or of course, too much MTV as a child...


----------



## Paperwings

shyguyy said:


> I have the weirdest feeling.


----------



## The Professor

Knowbody said:


> it was wise to come to a forum filled with a bunch of male virgins and vent about this


lmao


----------



## pita

OP, I get it.

Sometimes I feel like crap about it. Like I am trading my dignity for positive reinforcement or something. 

But then I think, wtf? Why feel that the dignity goes out the door? Can't I just amuse myself? I mean really.

So don't be too hard on yourself. Take a break if it makes you feel bad. I don't think it needs to make you feel bad.


----------



## 50piecesteve

alissaxvanity said:


> PEOPLE ARE MAKING THIS ABOUT A ****ING MORAL JUDGEMENT, stop pretending like they are actually just concerned about her happyness. Puhlease


im just going off by what i read, she says: *the act tends to be more uncomfortable or painful for me than it is pleasurable.* i wasnt at all making it about a moral judgement, my opinion would be different if she was having sex because she enjoyed the act, i never pretend nothing, i'll always tell you something straight up, so calm down PUHLEASE


----------



## jazzyehle

I felt like I was reading my life....I have the same issue


----------



## NatureFellow

The thread title seemed accurate.
Lack of self worth.
Lack of motivation to find someone that actually means something.

Just have a re-think over your ''situation''
if you can call it that..


----------



## meeps

NatureFellow said:


> The thread title seemed accurate.
> Lack of self worth.
> Lack of motivation to find someone that actually means something.
> 
> Just have a re-think over your ''situation''
> if you can call it that..


how constructive


----------



## Daylight

If I had a vagina I'd be a huge **** too given how my mindset is about sex. 

Nothing wrong with sleeping around as long as your being safe and not hiding anything from your partner if you were to have a virus or something. I think when guys hear and think about girls having several sex partners, frustration and jealousy sets in because of how girls can easily have sex just about whenever they want while us guys have to put in a lot of effort to get sex. Guys get upset over that which starts the whole **** labeling.


----------



## kreeper

NatureFellow said:


> The thread title seemed accurate.
> Lack of self worth.
> Lack of motivation to find someone that actually means something.
> 
> Just have a re-think over your ''situation''
> if you can call it that..


Ouch.  It's not that I'm not trying to find a meaningful relationship --- if the opportunity arose, I would jump on it. It's hard though, to find someone who really likes me and who I also really like in return. I mean, it's probably hard for
most people, and add shy and anxious into the equation...


----------



## NatureFellow

qweewq said:


> how constructive


more constructive than quoting other people and making two word comments.

get good
thanks for understanding


----------



## NatureFellow

kreeper said:


> Ouch.  It's not that I'm not trying to find a meaningful relationship --- if the opportunity arose, I would jump on it. It's hard though, to find someone who really likes me and who I also really like in return. I mean, it's probably hard for
> most people, and add shy and anxious into the equation...


I'm not trying to be nasty by any means. But you realise that by sleeping with these chains of guys that you are de-valuing yourself right? It just made a bit sad to read the post to be honest. You deserve better. I don't know you, but I know that much.


----------



## Double Indemnity

What you're doing isn't healthy. I think therapy would be good for you. Best of luck in dealing with this. You deserve better.


----------



## mike285

I agree with Ospi's post. And like you said, maybe it's time you saw a therapist at your college to talk things through and get a greater sense of clarity. You're not weird, and I don't think you're a ****. I've seen some of your posts on here and you seem like a really nice person. You definitely deserve better. Good luck...And kudos for having the courage to post something like this.


----------



## offbyone

Keeper, are there other situations that give you the same psychological release that the sex does? You say it isn't for the physical release, which you don't even enjoy, but the psychological portion, but does anything else fulfill that closeness besides sex?



NatureFellow said:


> I'm not trying to be nasty by any means. But you realise that by sleeping with these chains of guys that you are de-valuing yourself right? It just made a bit sad to read the post to be honest. You deserve better. I don't know you, but I know that much.


She is doing nothing to devalue herself. She is not anything less because she has done these things.

While it may not be good for her mental health, especially since she is bothered enough by it to make this thread and has some real concerns, nothing she has done has lowered her in anyway and its's judgemental and not helpful of you at all to say things like that. You also aren't offering anything but criticism, so yes your post is less constructive than qweewq's.


----------



## arnie

kreeper said:


> Desperately alone. That's when my fear of being alone forever really comes to the surface. I mean, it's kind of ridiculous when I think about it, because obviously I can always get SOME sort of date lined up in a relatively short amount of time... But when I'm not talking to any guys, I feel empty and anxious.


That's how I feel all the time. At least you can do something about it. It's a lot harder for a guy.


----------



## Milco

kreeper said:


> It's hard though, to find someone who really likes me and who I also really like in return. I mean, it's probably hard for most people, and add shy and anxious into the equation...


That's kinda it really.
You have to be careful that you don't get the image this is all you're good for and the only thing you have to offer others. There are many great things about you that'll have people (of both genders) be interested in spending time with you and getting to know you. If this is the main one you're pursuing - maybe it's the easiest to get response on - you risk neglecting and forgetting the other sides you have and actually causing harm to yourself that way.

As a personal request though, I would ask that you pick the guys well.
Guys also get validation through sex (and perhaps invalidation through lack of) - everybody does.
So try to make sure the guy deserves the validation he gets. And I can't help but wonder, if sex is all he wants from you, is he then worth it?

And to people generally:
I've seen plenty of threads where guys have written about wanting sex as a form of validation that they didn't currently have.
The comments in those threads have been of a generally different tone than they have here.
Whether the difference is that OP already has it where as they didn't, I don't know. But I certainly hope it doesn't have to do with gender.
I don't meant to cause a big discussion of this, but just encourage people to think it over and be consistent in the advice and comments they give.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

OP, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

You view yourself as only a sex object, and place importance on that. Then, when people view you as a sex object, you view yourself poorly, then go out and seek sex to try to make yourself feel better, and the cycle repeats.

You are not a ****. You are someone who has low self esteem. You're conventionally attractive, you could have the nice, good, dependable guy who wants more than sex. You seem like a total sweetheart, just going by your responses here. But you have to beat this low self esteem, because you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. If that makes any sense. 

Get some counseling. There's nothing wrong with sleeping around, but it sounds like you have low self esteem, that is leading to you becoming a sex addict, which feeds your low self esteem. It isn't healthy.


----------



## Brightpaperwarewolf

The question is, do you enjoy sex? If so, who cares what society thinks. Sex is part of human nature, to procreate. You are young. You shouldn't be self-conscious of doing something you enjoy. ****s are the ones that trade their dignity, like they use their "vagina power" to get drinks or cocaine, being a **** is not about sex.


----------



## JustThisGuy

I've got nothing that hasn't already been said, really. 

Glad you know you're not a ****, Kreeper. You enjoy sex, you know what you need, and though you have gone against yourself, you at least realize that you do go against yourself, so... Breaking the cycle: finding someone who cares, wants to stick around, and will give you some sensuality to go along with the sex. And realizing the emptiness to follow the high with "random" encounters is good to remember. You've got this. And admirable that you admit you know you have this problem and were looking for some sincere advice from others. 

I've still yet to say all he things that are tearing me up here, and here you are confident enough to want to deal with the double-standards you knew might rear their heads, which has shown itself in some of the backhanded "advice" and such. I completely understand the "they're cute and they want me" feeling. You're not gross, you're not sleazing on anyone. You feel you need it in the moment.


----------



## odd_one_out

You mentioned feeling desperately alone when not doing it, and anxious. This is very common, only people deal with it in different ways.

The goal is to accept we are alone. How we arrive there, at some level of peace with it, is the conundrum. We can avoid facing this aspect of the human condition through addictive habits that temporarily diminish the pain and anxiety, or taking abuse from loved ones, and many other dysfunctional behaviours. 

But, to really break free from this we somehow have to accept we are alone. This is even the case in steady, long-term relationships. Ultimately we are alone. We can carry people in our hearts but they're never literally part of us.

You can alter these thoughts and behaviours by applying certain behavioural techniques. You could look into this. Don't force yourself to do anything though. Don't force yourself to change or tell yourself you must - exploring the problem's more productive. Any behavioural change will involve some discipline but there are methods to support you in this.


----------



## VanDamMan

Maybe the male equivalent is going to a strip club paying for strippers? 

You either need some time to mature or therapy or both. 

If you want to have sex with a lot of guys, then have sex. If you don't, don't. But don't barter your vagina for male attention and get dissapointed when its not the exact type of attention you want.

This strikes me as "white people problems."


----------



## tuneindropout

I can kind of relate - although I'm a bit younger and don't have sex as often as you described, I understand what you mean by not really enjoying the physical aspect of sex, but rather the psychological aspects of it.

When I have had sex with people, even though it's just a random hook up, I like to pretend that they actually do care for me - in that way, when I hook up on weekends I feel like I've been loved/cared for. I guess to make up for loneliness/lack of romantic interests in my life (at the end of the day, we all just want to be cared for, no?) Even if I know in the back of my mind that the person is just here for sex. And I try really hard to come off as unclingy so they don't hurt my feelings - I'm good about that.

I don't have quite the same issue, but I just wanted to let you know you're not completely alone.


----------



## tuneindropout

Wow, I didn't read the other replies before responding...people are so harsh! This is a forum for SUPPORT. There is a _mean_ way of giving advice (even if you claim to be "telling it like it is"), and there is a _nice_, nurturing, loving way of giving advice. Just because she's pretty and is having sex (which I know is a sensitive topic) doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the same amount of kindness as everyone else on here. She obviously came here for help.

Come'on everyone, we're all in a similar boat here - let's help each other in a nurturing way instead of slamming judgement and hateful responses.


----------



## RawrJessiRawr

Blawnka:1059787236 said:


> Ew, yo.


Lol this made me laugh for some reason ....


----------



## Later

May be you are experiencing a depressive mood, low self worth, and you looked for sex for "attention". 

It is common, but this is risky behavior. It is inappropriate for people on here encouraging you to have sexual encounters with several unknown men. This is putting her health and life in jeopardy

It is obvious you feel in conflict, maybe you should switch to a better, more constructive activity to deal with your depressive mood.

Tunein: I thought the same thing when I first joined, but the forum is not as strict and regulated as you think, plus add being "on the internet" part. Immature responses is expected.. as much as you want to help others out


----------



## kreeper

tuneindropout said:


> I can kind of relate - although I'm a bit younger and don't have sex as often as you described, I understand what you mean by not really enjoying the physical aspect of sex, but rather the psychological aspects of it.
> 
> When I have had sex with people, even though it's just a random hook up, I like to pretend that they actually do care for me - in that way, when I hook up on weekends I feel like I've been loved/cared for. I guess to make up for loneliness/lack of romantic interests in my life (at the end of the day, we all just want to be cared for, no?) Even if I know in the back of my mind that the person is just here for sex. And I try really hard to come off as unclingy so they don't hurt my feelings - I'm good about that.
> 
> I don't have quite the same issue, but I just wanted to let you know you're not completely alone.


That is definitely a part of it for me too. I like to steal a cuddle when it seems apropos to do so, and I hold on to that feeling of being held for a long time after the encounter is over. It isn't the whole motivation for me by any means, but it definitely plays a role. And thanks for supporting me by the way.


----------



## kreeper

VanDamMan said:


> Maybe the male equivalent is going to a strip club paying for strippers?
> 
> You either need some time to mature or therapy or both.
> 
> If you want to have sex with a lot of guys, then have sex. If you don't, don't. But don't barter your vagina for male attention and get dissapointed when its not the exact type of attention you want.
> 
> This strikes me as "white people problems."


I would guess the male equivalent is sleeping around as well, lol.  Though I admit it would be great if there were more male strip clubs around, so us women could do the same. I'm sure I do need both maturity and therapy, for reasons other than this issue as well.

As far as this being a "white people problem," well, obviously not --- people of all different races can have low self-esteem and seek frequent sex. First world problem? Maybe. But so is practically everything else on this board; if our main problems were obtaining enough food to feed our family and protecting ourselves from war lords, well, we probably wouldn't be on the internet, for one. Yes, they obviously have it worse, and yes, I'm thankful I am not in their position. But that's not really productive to tell someone.


----------



## FadeToOne

I suppose though that when looking at comparisons, that is why so many on here talk about deep depression and suicidal thoughts over being a virgin. When there is such a big difference, people start to think something is terribly wrong with themselves and they are not fit for society.


----------



## JustThisGuy

^ Yeah, but it's constructive for them to know that making a thread about them, against the original posters want for help, and not really supporting but judging, is lack on social skills and social grace. It's a good start for some to learn that.

Kind of embarrasses me to be a guy when guys do that. Even though I shouldn't presume that the other woman would have cynical presumptions on me based on things out of my hands. *takes breath* Heh.


----------



## kreeper

FadeToOne said:


> I suppose though that when looking at comparisons, that is why so many on here talk about deep depression and suicidal thoughts over being a virgin. When there is such a big difference, people start to think something is terribly wrong with themselves and they are not fit for society.


I know, to some extent, how they feel. Up until a couple years ago, I seriously thought I would be forever alone --- no guy had EVER shown interest in me. No one ever had a crush, no one ever flirted with me --- I was a quiet, ugly duckling. (Not implying virgins are ugly, just that I happened to be). I was very depressed about it. But now that I'm not a virgin? Yeah, it's helped me in some aspects to gain confidence, but it's created a whole new wealth of problems. Others on here have posted about being suicidal because of a relationship gone bad. I've been there too, and it was a worse pain (for me) than the slightly duller (though still significant) pain of thinking I'd be forever alone. Probably a contributor to my current habit of seeking out sex with multiple people.

I realize it may seem insensitive to post about problems that involve having a lot of sex when some people are depressed that they can't get any sex at all. And I really do apologize for hurting anyone's feelings in that way, I know I used to get annoyed by posts about relationships or things like that when I had not yet obtained one. But the fact of the matter is, your problems don't end as soon as you lose your "innocence."

Edit: And I should add I still have tons of issues getting guys "normally." It's relatively easy to find someone to hook up with online, but as far as having a guy actually come to like me through knowing me in person? Very, very difficult for me, and I've made posts that have touched on the subject.


----------



## kreeper

JustThisGuy said:


> ^ Yeah, but it's constructive for them to know that making a thread about them, against the original posters want for help, and not really supporting but judging, is lack on social skills and social grace. It's a good start for some to learn that.
> 
> Kind of embarrasses me to be a guy when guys do that. Even though I shouldn't presume that the other woman would have cynical presumptions on me based on things out of my hands. *takes breath* Heh.


I appreciate the support.  And can't speak for other women, but I know there's a lot of really sweet guys on here, there's been a number of them giving good advice on this board! So I would never assume bad things about you because of your gender, please don't worry about that lol.


----------



## Kennnie

Yo, dis some ****ed **** 

you be mentally ill like bananas :/


----------



## kreeper

Kennnie said:


> Yo, dis some ****ed ****
> 
> you be mentally ill like bananas :/


I'm hoping to replace Sybil as the new poster-child for ****ed up.


----------



## JustThisGuy

^ You're not that weird. :roll 

I kinda/sorta know a sweethearted, pretty girl who has been with, like, 24 people, and she's only 18. Even the most level-headed person can actually just make the mistake of letting themselves get used, and not by bad people, necessarily, just people put in the position (no pun intended) of not becoming more than what she may have wanted them to be. She also had the problem of not really enjoying the physical act that much--being that most of her tally were just one-nighters with guys and gals, so not much "learning each other" happened, I'd guess--and she just enjoyed the emotional filler she recieved from post sex. What I'm trying to say is that you're not uncommon, you're not "damaged goods", or should think that you're freak, letting that burn your mind in social situations and letting it give you further anxiety. Not like you have a dark past now, or anything. You've had some bumps, like everyone has in living life.

I know you probably have a grasp of ****, as you seemed to be being coy with the thread title, but no ****-shaming (ahem, future posters) is a good mentality to have for wanting meaning in future relationships you deserve.


----------



## estse

I think monogamy is not for everyone, and people shouldn't define what is right or wrong when it comes to control over your own body. You only need help if you're not happy with yourself, but the fact that someone sleeps with a lot of different people, with safe practice in heart and mind, is not a reason to criticize. I'd be a "****" if I had the opportunity, and if it made me feel bad I would stop or seek counseling. For myself.


----------



## Blawnka

Practice safe sex.


----------



## CrimsonTrigger

First of all, I love how this topic got over a hundred replies in just a day. Just goes to show how obsessed with sex people really are. 

Anyways, about your problem, it seems pretty obvious that you are using it as a way to avoid feeling lonely and to create an intimate connection with someone, even if it's just for a while. Personally I believe the need for intimacy is stronger than the need for sex. I've honestly had fantasies about having hook ups for the same reason, even though I've never done it. 

I wouldn't feel ashamed if I were you. Everyone likes to judge people without knowing the circumstances. I've seen this all too often. The important thing is that you are keeping yourself safe. If you're an adult you should be allowed to make your own choices. But if you really feel this is a problem and that you are using it to fill some kind of void in your life, perhaps you should seriously consider stopping it and finding something else to replace it. 

I'm sorry I can't say much to help. I've never experienced sex so I have little advice for people in this kind of situation. Just be safe and accept and love yourself for who you are.

Also ignore all the virgin guys making rude comments. Some people on this site can be very rude to other people who don't have their problems.


----------



## IcedOver

You should work on trying to find value in yourself and being alone. That's one of the things that bothers me about women, that many times they feel the need to be attached to and validated by a man, whether it's in marriage (an institution which I don't agree with) or what you experience. You need to just "do you", as the saying goes. If you're still pretty young, you'll probably grow out of some of these hangups.


----------



## Kennnie

Would you have sex with me? 






Just wondering......


----------



## kikyoumiko

According to your profile, you say you're 18 going on 19...you're probably in college right? For me, that was the exact same time that I was being promiscuous. I used to be into the online dating scene and meet different guys too. Although when it comes to sex, I was more selective about who I would do it with because I had to be physically attracted to them and also have a connection with them. I used to get a lot of thrills of exchanging sexually suggestive messages, but when it came to the actual act of it...I would also feel dread and a sense of fear. Especially when the guy and I didn't establish a real "bf/gf" relationship. I knew that once I gave myself away, the guy had the upper hand that includes just ditching me when he didn't want me anymore. But I just did it anyway. And there were times were I felt validated by the act because it assured me that there were guys who were attracted enough to me to have sex with me. (In hindsight, I know now that some guys will bang anything regardless of how attractive the person is ).

I hated being alone too, I was single for a long time so I kept talking to a lot of guys on the internet. So I think I understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. I wouldn't go so far to say that you are a **** though, it's such a negative term and not one to use to describe your situation. This is probably just a phase you're going through. For me, once I finally found someone that I developed a real relationship with for a year and a half (we're not together anymore), I have no desire to go back to the way it was before.


----------



## meganmila

CrimsonTrigger said:


> First of all, I love how this topic got over a hundred replies in just a day. Just goes to show how obsessed with sex people really are.
> 
> Anyways, about your problem, it seems pretty obvious that you are using it as a way to avoid feeling lonely and to create an intimate connection with someone, even if it's just for a while. Personally I believe the need for intimacy is stronger than the need for sex. I've honestly had fantasies about having hook ups for the same reason, even though I've never done it.
> 
> I wouldn't feel ashamed if I were you. Everyone likes to judge people without knowing the circumstances. I've seen this all too often. The important thing is that you are keeping yourself safe. If you're an adult you should be allowed to make your own choices. But if you really feel this is a problem and that you are using it to fill some kind of void in your life, perhaps you should seriously consider stopping it and finding something else to replace it.
> 
> I'm sorry I can't say much to help. I've never experienced sex so I have little advice for people in this kind of situation. Just be safe and accept and love yourself for who you are.
> 
> *Also ignore all the virgin guys making rude comments. Some people on this site can be very rude to other people who don't have their problems*.


Yes :/


----------



## lonelyjew

kreeper said:


> But I've had sex with a somewhat considerable amount of people, and *I don't even really enjoy it.* I mean, the idea is cool, *I get a rush from it* --- but, without getting graphic, the act tends to be more *uncomfortable or painful for me than it is pleasurable.*
> 
> I go on dates with people I've met online, and by date I sometimes mean just meeting with the intention of having sex. On the way there, sometimes *I get this feeling of dread, like what the hell am I doing,* I could get raped and killed. Or, wow, *this guy is going to be disappointed* when they see what my body looks like in person. *I still go through with it anyways for fear of angering the person. When I'm in the act, my mind is just not where it should be. *
> 
> The solution seems simple --- stop seeking out guys to do this with. But I can't help it. It's not like I'm addicted to sex... I'm more addicted to the psychological satisfaction it gets me. If I haven't had sex in a while, *I feel uglier and more worthless* than usual. I need the intimate connection, even if it's only imagined on my part that he actually cares for me or likes me. I get a thrill thinking about my sexual exploits, moreso after the fact than during them, usually. I think about those, as well as *just the remembered feeling of having someone in bed next to me,* when I go to sleep almost every night.
> 
> And when I date people who aren't immediately into sex, and who aren't particularly physically attractive... I don't know what to do. I get bored, *I feel like there's something wrong with me that they aren't interested in sex.* As terrible as it is, I find myself physically attracted to guys who are more likely to treat me as a piece of meat.
> 
> There are exceptions to this --- the guy I'm really hung up on right now, is someone who I really clicked with on an intellectual and personal level (though the physical attraction was still definitely there, our relationship involved a lot of talking and simply enjoying each other's company). But since he's not an option right now, I've ended up dating multiple guys at once *to avoid being alone* (if one rejects me, there's still others!). And it's caused me a significant amount of stress, *including having a guy that I was actually really starting to like, enter a "serious" relationship with someone else, with me finding out through Facebook.* (Long story, but I essentially provided a shoulder for him to cry on, he was all, "Oh how I've missed you!", and then when I confronted him about the change in relationship status, he said "I thought we were just friends.")
> 
> Can anyone else relate to this? I am such a weirdo. And I'm well aware that guys will have sex with a girl simply because she's easy (she can look like the troll under the bridge), so the satisfaction I get from this doesn't really make sense. :/ Also, I'm aware of the risk of STDs and pregnancy --- that I have tightly under control.


I bolded all of the things that are of concern. Like a few of the wise people have already said, your issue is not being a ****, or the sex in itself, but your self image and self esteem. Before I go further, I wanted to post this quote:



Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> Sex is part of human nature, to procreate. You are young. You shouldn't be self-conscious of doing something you enjoy.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with sex. Screw social mores, you are not obliged to follow anyone's standards, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex for pleasure as long as you are being safe and honest. The thing is though, you said you don't enjoy the sex, in fact you find it uncomfortable and painful. Don't feel at all pressured to answer this, as it is a bit of an intimate question, but before/during sex, do you get "wet?" If you don't, it would seem you don't even get aroused, which would imply clearly that the purpose of the sex isn't for the pleasure of the act in itself, or because of your sexual drive.

You're beautiful. Let me say it again, you're beautiful. Why do you think this thread has, in a few days, received soooo many posts? A beautiful girl talking about sex, that gets attention. In spite of this though, in your second paragraph you express your certainty that the person you're going to see will be disappointed with your physical appearance, in the next you say that if you don't have sex you feel ugly, and in the one after that you reveal that even if you're dating a guy, if you don't have sex soon after you start dating them, you feel that they are not sexually attracted to you. Not only do you feel that you are ugly, but it seems that the only way you can validate that you are not is through sex itself, because simply dating a guy doesn't seem to be enough.

I do understand how you feel. I know how much it sucks, and how painfully your worst feelings about yourself can be confirmed, when someone you like rejects you for someone else. I also know your need for constant validation; I quickly turn on myself without it, but I suppose you put things in perspective because my problem is sated by simple affection/attention. The thing is, when you look at what you enjoy thinking about, simply laying next to someone, it speaks to what you seem to actually desire, and it is feeling connected, and accepted by someone. The saddest thing about what you're saying though is that it seems like you can't allow yourself to have that feeling of connection and acceptance without the sex beforehand. Am I mistaken in thinking this? Is it only after sex that you can feel, if not beautiful, at least not ugly, and is it only then when your mind lets you set aside your low self worth, and let you enjoy the company of the other person?

I wish I could give you an answer, but you say it all here:



kreeper said:


> I think I know all that on some level, I just need to get it through my thick head. My emotions are like the retarded inbred cousin to my logical mind, lol. But I agree with what you're saying, and I think that's the direction I need to be heading.


Logic doesn't fix this. You have to delve deep into yourself and fix the roots of your problems, because simply knowing that you don't want to feel the way you do doesn't do a thing. You need to figure out why you feel you're ugly, and why sex is what allows you to confirm to yourself you're beautiful. You also need to stop the cycle you're on, because I can't imagine it is doing anything to help your self imagine (now you think you're a ****, which, unlike with your feeling ugly, will only be made worse with more sex).

You should get counseling, because this is addiction. Nobody here, myself included, is an expert, but you are showing a few signs of being an addict: guilt - obvious from your posts, knowingly putting yourself into possible danger and still doing it - and possibly feeling out of control, "withdrawal" feelings of depression when not having sex, and knowing you have a problem/wanting help through your simple creation of this thread. We won't be able to help you, but a therapist can. Understand that you don't have to keep doing this if you don't want to, and you don't have to keep feeling like this. There is no shame in seeking help, in fact it is far more brave to admit that you need help, and to seek it out, than to give into your fears and insecurities.


----------



## kreeper

Thanks everyone for your advice and sympathies.  I decided I'm definitely going to look into seeing a therapist next week, when I'm back at college.


----------



## iamrob

i think we all want someone to be with. part of it might be that you just want a companion.


----------



## RelinquishedHell

You may be using sex as a form of validation, as in it makes you feel more attractive and desired. Don't call yourself a ****, that is such an ugly word. You are just struggling with insecurities and a desire to feel accepted, and unfortunately your going about it in an unhealthy way. I'ts very good that you recognize that this is unhealthy behavior and you should definitely see a therapist. In the mean time, *please just be very careful!* Meeting random guys from online is so incredibly risky.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

I remember this thread!

I don't think you're a ****, I just think you enjoy sex. Nothing wrong with that.


----------



## andy1984

maybe get some self help books about codependency from the library.

the way ppl feel about sex changes over time i think. or it has for me. i used to be crazy about sex, but now... its good but other things seem more important.


----------



## low

Well I read the first page and noticed the maybe not the best place to post/supposed to be supportive point, and without taking away from that...I have to say yeah, I mean trying to state it respectfully: it is a bit like salt in the wounds. Good looking women have it easy in that respect, heterosexual men are judged on so many socio-economical-personality traits compared to women.

In answer to your question, no, I don't. An unemployed 29 year old living with parents is hardly attractive.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

low said:


> Well I read the first page and noticed the maybe not the best place to post/supposed to be supportive point, and without taking away from that...I have to say yeah, I mean trying to state it respectfully: it is a bit like salt in the wounds. Good looking women have it easy in that respect, heterosexual men are judged on so many socio-economical-personality traits compared to women.
> 
> In answer to your question, no, I don't. An unemployed 29 year old living with parents is hardly attractive.


She is good looking, but she seems like a sweet person. Her biggest problem is her insecurity, which, as other people have stated, is tied to her sexual identity.


----------



## Skttrbrain

Funny how some guys are saying, "would you have sex with me?" or "where can I meet someone like you?" .. just a little inconsiderate. The OP is wanting to break this cycle of seeking validation through sex

First of all op, you're so brave for posting this! You are def not alone .. I know so many girls who do this because they cannot separate sex and love. My guess is that you're probably emotionally unavailable and any guy who honestly wants a relationship with you makes you feel uncomfortable. I was like you, I always fell for the men who are hard to get or play games or are seeing many people at once or using me. You find nice guys boring because you equate love with a roller coaster of emotions when love can be gradual. The guys who blow hot and cold keep you on your toes and it's just so exciting.. but it rarely ends happily. I think you need to work on your self esteem and just take a break from sex. This is what worked for me .. sex can complicate things and make you feel attached to someone who isn't good for you. I've had my own bad experiences with making poor choices when it comes to sex, but I'll pm you about that because I know how critical some people on this forum can be. You can pm me whenever


----------



## kreeper

low said:


> Well I read the first page and noticed the maybe not the best place to post/supposed to be supportive point, and without taking away from that...I have to say yeah, I mean trying to state it respectfully: it is a bit like salt in the wounds. Good looking women have it easy in that respect, heterosexual men are judged on so many socio-economical-personality traits compared to women.
> 
> In answer to your question, no, I don't. An unemployed 29 year old living with parents is hardly attractive.


To be honest, I know where you're coming from. I'm a very envious person, and before I started dating, when I believed I would die before having my first kiss, I hated hearing about relationship/sex troubles. I always thought, well, at least they have a relationship, at least they know what it's like to feel wanted at least some of the time. I still don't like hearing about happy couples, unless I'm in a really good mood. So I'm sorry if it felt like I was rubbing anything in.


----------



## Reclus

I think you should stop using negative downer words like "****" and think of yourself as a liberated woman who enjoys her sexuality.

Life is too short for guilt - as long as you enjoy it, and no one is being hurt, then it is best to just leave those hang-ups behind.

Do be careful with the on-line hook-ups stuff though - there are some real crazies out there.

Best wishes


----------



## ivankaramazov

We're going to act like a person using sex for validation is somehow abnormal?

I get plenty more psychological kickback from sex than I do physical. For that night the physical aspect great - but what stays with me is the emotional high. And if I go a few weeks without it I feel like by internal tank is creeping towards E. This is what forces people to leave the house and meet people, not the idea that they're going to find their soul mate and live happily for the next 40 years like the end of their favorite romantic comedy. Of course many tell themselves the latter is the goal, otherwise they might end up on a message board ruminating about whether or not they're a '****.'


----------



## Monroee

Reclus said:


> I think you should stop using negative downer words like "****" and think of yourself as a liberated woman who enjoys her sexuality.





WintersTale said:


> I don't think you're a ****, I just think you enjoy sex. Nothing wrong with that.


I'm having trouble understanding these responses. In the OP, she stated in the very first paragraph that she doesn't enjoy the sex. :um She made it very clear that she isn't having sex with these guys for the enjoyment of sex, but because of severe insecurities and needing validation. And although she keeps having sex partner after sex partner, it doesn't seem to ever be enough.

I feel like some people are reading different words. :sus


----------



## Loveless

I am a male virgin. I'm going tog et that out of the way. I alsow ill say this: Do whateevr you want. If people criticize you, screw them. I don't know what it slike to be in this type of situation exactly, but I do know a bunch of idiots who also are in the same boat giving you "advice" on something they know nothing about is cruel. That people is called judgment. I hope that you do whatever you want to. But know this: it is possible to have a relationship no matter who you are. Any guy who criticizes you and calls you a "****" should burn in hell because they are the true *****s . They have had sex multiple times with the demons of stupidity, ignorance, hatred, selfishness and ****-shaming . I hope you become happy!


----------



## meganmila

Reclus said:


> *I think you should stop using negative downer words like "****" and think of yourself as a liberated woman who enjoys her sexuality.*
> 
> Life is too short for guilt - as long as you enjoy it, and no one is being hurt, then it is best to just leave those hang-ups behind.
> 
> Do be careful with the on-line hook-ups stuff though - there are some real crazies out there.
> 
> Best wishes


This for anybody not just the OP.


----------



## MyJoy

WintersTale said:


> OP, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
> 
> You view yourself as only a sex object, and place importance on that. Then, when people view you as a sex object, you view yourself poorly, then go out and seek sex to try to make yourself feel better, and the cycle repeats.
> 
> You are not a ****. You are someone who has low self esteem. You're conventionally attractive, you could have the nice, good, dependable guy who wants more than sex. You seem like a total sweetheart, just going by your responses here. But you have to beat this low self esteem, because you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. If that makes any sense.
> 
> Get some counseling. There's nothing wrong with sleeping around, but it sounds like you have low self esteem, that is leading to you becoming a sex addict, which feeds your low self esteem. It isn't healthy.


This.


----------



## phoenixwright

This is why women tend not to be as promiscuous as men. Sex is not as enjoyable for women _generally_ (you yourself said that you don't enjoy it much physically). Most men are not that good in bed. And if a guy just wants a one-night stand, that's even less incentive for a woman to be promiscuous. And sex with a condom is not as enjoyable for women too (not just for us guys) as going without. And by default, most sane people are going to use a condom unless they are in committed, long-term relationships. The only time I ever went without a condom was an accident, when my condom slipped into the girl. My only real long-term girlfriend insisted on condom use (and even in long-term monogamous relationships and marriages, one or more partners insist on condom use. Not every woman is comfortable using birth control pills or devices. And not every man is comfortable leaving the responsibility 100% with the woman. And some STDs are symptom-less and even if you did a test, some STDs don't show up in the results for awhile.)

Women who tend to be promiscuous are that way because they have low self-esteem and they want to be liked.

That doesn't mean that there aren't women who are sexually liberated and enjoy casual sex.

Kreeper if what you really want is a relationship, I think you should have no trouble getting that. If you really want a relationship, maybe it's best that you wait until the third date maybe before sleeping with a guy. A quality guy won't lose respect for you if you sleep with him on the first date. But a quality guy would probably be willing to wait a few dates if he likes the girl.


----------



## komorikun

phoenixwright said:


> This is why women tend not to be as promiscuous as men. Sex is not as enjoyable for women _generally_ (you yourself said that you don't enjoy it much physically). Most men are not that good in bed. And if a guy just wants a one-night stand, that's even less incentive for a woman to be promiscuous. And sex with a condom is not as enjoyable for women too (not just for us guys) as going without. And by default, most sane people are going to use a condom unless they are in committed, long-term relationships. The only time I ever went without a condom was an accident, when my condom slipped into the girl. My only real long-term girlfriend insisted on condom use (and even in long-term monogamous relationships and marriages, one or more partners insist on condom use. Not every woman is comfortable using birth control pills or devices. And not every man is comfortable leaving the responsibility 100% with the woman. And some STDs are symptom-less and even if you did a test, some STDs don't show up in the results for awhile.)
> 
> *Women who tend to be promiscuous are that way because they have low self-esteem and they want to be liked.*
> 
> That doesn't mean that there aren't women who are sexually liberated and enjoy casual sex.
> 
> Kreeper if what you really want is a relationship, I think you should have no trouble getting that. If you really want a relationship, maybe it's best that you wait until the third date maybe before sleeping with a guy. A quality guy won't lose respect for you if you sleep with him on the first date. But a quality guy would probably be willing to wait a few dates if he likes the girl.


I've been promiscuous because I think with my ovaries first then my brain. Even if I know the sex won't be very good and the guy is unlikely to want to see me again, it's just too tempting if the guy is hot and we've been making out for a while. Not everyone has willpower made of steel. It really sucks sometimes being the one that has to say no, not until the 3rd date.


----------



## Glasur

Sex is a waste of time.


----------



## bsd3355

Sex is sex. I think people care too much about being labeled a **** or not.


----------



## MaxPower

Among some selfish and creepy posts, there is some very good advise here.  I would just add we have very limited amount of time in our lives, don't waste yours on what others think about you. Don't let the opinions of others drown out your own inner voice. Some call that voice "hope", but really it is your intuition looking after you. For the longest time I fought mine, until I finally started to listen, after which each day my life has gotten better and better.



kreeper said:


> I am such a weirdo. And I'm well aware that guys will have sex with a girl simply because she's easy (she can look like the troll under the bridge), so the satisfaction I get from this doesn't really make sense. :/


You're not a weirdo. You are unique, we're all unique, which is what makes us beautiful. There is no "normal", so don't try to be. Just to show how different we are, I'm male and I'm disinterest in sex with any girl unless that connection is there, even if the girl is "easy". I know shocking isn't it?



Siringo said:


> I have trouble believing that I've got anything else to offer, and I can only assume that if a guy is not pursuing me sexually, that I'm clearly not worth his time.


You're wrong.


----------



## Peter Attis

phoenixwright said:


> Most men are not that good in bed.


And you know this from experience or something?


----------



## jojo757

I dont blame you, i love sex... If i could do it allday i would... I guess that makes me an addict but who wouldnt be if its good? 

Im a guy but does it makes me a **** if i choose to do tge same thing and i was single? 

Only reason people call each other a "****, etc" because they are jealous that they couldnt do it.

I would stop when i am ready to settle down and get married but until then explore your options, have fun but be safe.


----------



## Reclus

Monroee said:


> I'm having trouble understanding these responses. In the OP, she stated in the very first paragraph that she doesn't enjoy the sex. :um She made it very clear that she isn't having sex with these guys for the enjoyment of sex, but because of severe insecurities and needing validation. And although she keeps having sex partner after sex partner, it doesn't seem to ever be enough.
> 
> I feel like some people are reading different words. :sus


When I read the OP, I saw a conflicted personality - one part libertine, one part victim of the old-style guilt about sex that is so prevalent in Western societies. In my humble opinion, she should accept her sex drive and come to terms with it, rather than accepting the scripts and agendas of conservative morality as there's a lot of hypocrisy and frustration down that road. So I suppose what I am saying to the OP, is that if she does go into therapy, she should try something like Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (living with oneself and accepting who you are) rather than trying to reprogramme herself and perhaps ending up even unhappier. And let's face it, it is actually quite normal to have a high sex drive in your early 20s.

My 2 cents' worth.


----------



## phoenixwright

Peter Attis said:


> And you know this from experience or something?


lol. Why don't you ask the women in this forum? That is what I have heard directly from a female friend (whom I never had anything more than friendship with). And plenty of women say the same thing (even on SAS). It's common knowledge that women complain about the staying power of men and how they don't understand how to please the female body very well. Real-life is not like porn or jersey shore. Women are generally not that interested in sex.


----------



## MachineSupremacist

Everybody needs acceptance. Here, have some flowers instead.


----------



## BobtheBest

phoenixwright said:


> lol. Why don't you ask the women in this forum? That is what I have heard directly from a female friend (whom I never had anything more than friendship with). And plenty of women say the same thing (even on SAS). It's common knowledge that women complain about the staying power of men and how they don't understand how to please the female body very well. Real-life is not like porn or jersey shore. Women are generally not that interested in sex.


Lol, then you really need to see this thread. The SAS girls say otherwise. 

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f24/ok-sas-girls-157826/


----------



## calichick

Up until my 20s, it was my goal in life to only appeal to men based on sex appeal and looking f*kable. That was my primary goal in life. :teeth

Now, I strive to be the "wife" type (sorry too much Jersey shore)....Aim to be that perfect female that guys just don't want to screw, but want to be with. Guess it has to do with self esteem and holding yourself up to a certain standard, I just think it's much harder to be that type of woman vs. want a guy to sex you up, because face it, men don't have high standards when it comes to that. 

But the wife type, that is a bit trickier. I like a challenge, and I think that if I can get a guy my age to settle, my deed is accomplished.


----------



## DeeperUnderstanding

The truth is that beauty does matter, but putting all of your self worth on being "f_ckable" is not appropriate. Life is worth much more than just looks.

Look at me. I will never be a GQ model, but I've found worth in music, computers, books, writing, the arts, and being creative and intelligent. That is worth much more than who I go to bed with.

You need to re-evaluate your priorities. I understand a lot of men and women think with their private parts, and that is completely normal, but thinking that sex is the end of and to be of of everything is basically destroying any semblance of what a human existence is.


----------



## meganmila

phoenixwright said:


> lol. Why don't you ask the women in this forum? That is what I have heard directly from a female friend (whom I never had anything more than friendship with). And plenty of women say the same thing (even on SAS). It's common knowledge that women complain about the staying power of men and how they don't understand how to please the female body very well. Real-life is not like porn or jersey shore. *Women are generally not that interested in sex*.


Yea, I say that's false :/ I know plenty that do like it and enjoy it and also have high sex drives like me. And just because in our society we believe that men are the more hornier one  lol


----------



## Garretoo

Sorry but men think about, and want sex more than women. This is a matter of scientific fact, not opinion.


----------



## calichick

WintersTale said:


> T*he truth is that beauty does matter, but putting all of your self worth on being "f_ckable" is not appropriate. Life is worth much more than just looks.*
> 
> Look at me. I will never be a GQ model, but I've found worth in music, computers, books, writing, the arts, and being creative and intelligent. That is worth much more than who I go to bed with.
> 
> You need to re-evaluate your priorities. I understand a lot of men and women think with their private parts, and that is completely normal, but thinking that sex is the end of and to be of of everything is basically destroying any semblance of what a human existence is.


Did you happen to miss everything that came after the first sentence?

I desire to have power over a guy, and you can only obtain that power by having him respect you as a woman and not just as a sex object. They will not respect you if you give everything too soon...

I think it's a very clever game a woman can play. Females that only use sex to their advantage will capture 1 moment of a guy's interest. Females that use their entire being to capture a guy's interest can hook him for much longer.

Like I said, if he sees you as that type of girl, he is much more willing to give you more, not just some random hussy that he's looking to get 5 minutes with and then throw away after.


----------



## BobtheBest

calichick said:


> Did you happen to miss everything that came after the first sentence?
> 
> I desire to have power over a guy, and you can only obtain that power by having him respect you as a woman and not just as a sex object. They will not respect you if you give everything too soon...
> 
> I think it's a very clever game a woman can play. Females that only use sex to their advantage will capture 1 moment of a guy's interest. Females that use their entire being to capture a guy's interest can hook him for much longer.
> 
> Like I said, if he sees you as that type of girl, he is much more willing to give you more, not just some random hussy that he's looking to get 5 minutes with and then throw away after.


Having power over someone is an unequal...someone is on the losing end which is unfair. Both partners should have respect for themselves _and _each other as normal human beings.


----------



## UgShy

kreeper said:


> TL;DR --> The short of this is, does anyone else have sex with a lot of people NOT because they enjoy the act itself, but to satisfy some strange psychological need?


You're not alone. To save long explanations and stories, i'm just going to go out there and say yup, i've done this too. I feel sort of inadequate or something if i'm not getting any. Been doing my best as of recently to stop this though. I need a full time girlfriend :blank


----------



## Reclus

Garretoo said:


> Sorry but men think about, and want sex more than women. This is a matter of scientific fact, not opinion.


It is also statistically likely that, at some point in your future life, you will probably have the pleasure of discovering that this stereotype is false. :boogie


----------



## Noca

calichick said:


> Did you happen to miss everything that came after the first sentence?
> 
> I desire to have power over a guy, and you can only obtain that power by having him respect you as a woman and not just as a sex object. They will not respect you if you give everything too soon...
> 
> I think it's a very clever game a woman can play. Females that only use sex to their advantage will capture 1 moment of a guy's interest. Females that use their entire being to capture a guy's interest can hook him for much longer.
> 
> Like I said, if he sees you as that type of girl, he is much more willing to give you more, not just some random hussy that he's looking to get 5 minutes with and then throw away after.


You should be able to hook a man for reasons other than just sex. If you manipulate the man for sex, sure you will hook him longer, then when he finally gets it and realizes that's all you have to offer and nothing more, he will just ditch you and move on to the next woman.


----------



## meeps

phoenixwright said:


> lol. Why don't you ask the women in this forum? That is what I have heard directly from a female friend (whom I never had anything more than friendship with). And plenty of women say the same thing (even on SAS). It's common knowledge that women complain about the staying power of men and how they don't understand how to please the female body very well. Real-life is not like porn or jersey shore. *Women are generally not that interested in sex.*


false. And how does guys not being able to please them sexually translate to them not being interested in sex?


----------



## phoenixwright

meganmila said:


> Yea, I say that's false :/ I know plenty that do like it and enjoy it and also have high sex drives like me. And just because in our society we believe that men are the more hornier one  lol


Honestly it's not even a fair comparison. If I was a chick, I'd be going out and getting laid every single weekend. Chicks have the power to do that. But they choose not to do that. And yet they want sex just as much as guys? Ha! lol.

Women generally do not crave sex in the way that men do. It's a scientific fact. There's a reason why so many women can make a living selling sexual services. But not many men can unless they go "gay for pay".


----------



## calichick

Dr House said:


> You should be able to hook a man for reasons other than just sex. If you manipulate the man for sex, sure you will hook him longer, then when he finally gets it and realizes that's all you have to offer and nothing more, he will just ditch you and move on to the next woman.


That's what I said, I want him to revere me and obsess over me, you can only get the upper hand by appealing to his senses.

There are generally 3 types of women, the untouchables, the would hit and quit, and the wife types.

The last type is the most desirable in my opinion, with this type you always have the upper hand, and you could almost consider him whipped, because he would basically do anything for you, he views you as his perfect woman. (I've come across a few of these guys, it's almost sad in a way)

You have to appeal to his senses not only in terms of beauty and attraction, but personality, emotion, intelligence and chemistry.

It's not that hard to decipher which type a man holds you as, as expressed in how he acts around you and how he treats you.



BobtheSaint said:


> Having power over someone is an unequal...someone is on the losing end which is unfair. Both partners should have respect for themselves _and _each other as normal human beings.


_Should_ being the operative word


----------



## meeps

phoenixwright said:


> Honestly it's not even a fair comparison. If I was a chick, I'd be going out and getting laid every single weekend. Chicks have the power to do that. But they choose not to do that. And yet they want sex just as much as guys? Ha! lol.


You said *"Women are generally not that interested in sex"*
This is not the same as saying that our sex drives are lower than mens.
I can't speak for all women, but personally I need some sort of emotional connection before I can have sex (at least I _think_ as I've never had casual sex, I'm not sure if I could) but we still think about it, every day even, depending on the person.

Maybe there are more..conditions that have to be met for most women to have sex with someone? Maybe our sexuality is more psychological (on average-to avoid generalizations) than men's?
Someone should make a poll about this.


----------



## meganmila

phoenixwright said:


> Honestly it's not even a fair comparison. If I was a chick, I'd be going out and getting laid every single weekend. Chicks have the power to do that. But they choose not to do that. And yet they want sex just as much as guys? Ha! lol.
> 
> Women generally do not crave sex in the way that men do. It's a scientific fact. There's a reason why so many women can make a living selling sexual services. But not many men can unless they go "gay for pay".


Alright...since you know everything about women...I guess you are right...Every time I was with a man I was generally more interested with getting laid then they were so whatever I just don't believe it's true. Who cares about scientific facts. Also some of those women that do that for a living actually enjoy sex also men go for it so might as well get fast money doing what you enjoy. Our society tells us to believe that women do not like sex and when you see women that actually do oh wait they are a "****" or easy or whatever. Great going society no wonder women don't do it more cause of how our ****ing society views it. I bet if women didn't have that stigma they will be a lot more doing what men doo. There already is anyway. It's all ****ed up IMO. Also not all men are horn dogs like we like to believe.

But think whatever you believe..


----------



## meganmila

meeps said:


> You said *"Women are generally not that interested in sex"*
> This is not the same as saying our sex drives are lower than mens.
> I can't speak for all women, but personally I need some sort of emotional connection before I can have sex (at least I _think_ as I've never had casual sex, I'm not sure if I could) but we still think about it, every day even, depending on the person.
> 
> Maybe there are more..conditions that have to be met for most women to have sex with someone?
> Someone should make a poll about this.


Oh man I think about it all the time. I am even can be a pervert in my own head...so I guess I have a guys mind :/ Yea not alll women will have sex with just about anybody..also men can be picker tooo...I think men are just more vocal in some ways about sex then women? Or have I got that wrong.. that's why I think we all believe that men want it more..Even though there are women that more vocal it just depends.


----------



## meeps

meganmila said:


> I think men are just more vocal in some ways about sex then women? Or have I got that wrong.. that's why I think we all believe that men want it more..Even though there are women that more vocal it just depends.


^That reminds me of a question my psych professor asked related to sex (will not go into details because It's potentially embarrassing, lol). First he asked the men, 30ish hands were raised. The he asked the women, no hands were raised, but If I were being honest I would have raised my hand, I just didn't feel comfortable with everyone knowing this about me. I wonder how many other women in the class didn't raise their hand for the same reason. (stupid psych teacher should know about the reliability of polls that are not anonymous:roll)

This has actually happened twice, two different questions related to sex/sexuality.


----------



## phoenixwright

meeps said:


> You said *"Women are generally not that interested in sex"*
> This is not the same as saying that our sex drives are lower than mens.
> I can't speak for all women, but personally I need some sort of emotional connection before I can have sex (at least I _think_ as I've never had casual sex, I'm not sure if I could) but we still think about it, every day even, depending on the person.
> 
> Maybe there are more..conditions that have to be met for most women to have sex with someone? Maybe our sexuality is more psychological (on average-to avoid generalizations) than men's?
> Someone should make a poll about this.


My original point was about female promiscuity. Are you promiscuous? I don't think so. What you are describing is sex within a monogamous relationship. And then people wanted to just cherry pick one liners from what I said without any sort of context.


----------



## Garretoo

my favorite comic on the subject


----------



## phoenixwright

Garretoo said:


> my favorite comic on the subject


Amen. :teeth


----------



## meeps

^Who's saying our sex drives are equal? Noone is denying that male and female sexuality is different, I just didn't agree with your "women are generally not interested in sex" comment.


----------



## Farideh

It's amazing how you're not even pregnant yet. hahaha I'm just kidding. That was a terrivle joke. Anyways, yeah sleeping around with too many guys is not a good thing at all. You don't need to base your own self worth on men,especially on sex. Heck I'm still a virgin and I don't feel ugly at all. Last time I kissed a guy and had physical contact with him was 3 years ago. Does it make me feel desparate to get another guy to pay attention to me? Sometimes. But I don't let that destroy my self esteem.


----------



## meganmila

meeps said:


> ^Who's saying our sex drives are equal? Noone is denying that male and female sexuality is different, I just didn't agree with your "*women are generally not interested in sex"* comment.


 Some Men are gonna think that no matter what which is bogus...whatever..


----------



## kreeper

To whoever said if they were a chick they could just go out and get laid every week --- no, it doesn't work like that. I go out of my way, online, to meet people, and I'm by no means doing it every weekend. I haven't had sex for a month, and it's not for lack of wanting to. I'm not the hottest girl around, I realize, but still, I do not get offers for sex from people in real life (except for the extremely rare occasion where I'm asked out first, no online involved). I think your ability to get laid has more to do with 1) your attractiveness and even moreso 2) your level of outgoing-ness and willingness to put yourself out there. 

I'm sure many of the girls on here would agree, it's not so easy to get laid when you're socially anxious. No matter the gender. 

Also, I think there's a trend of female sexual empowerment in recent years --- I don't know if you've ever looked at Cosmopolitan, but half of it is soft porn and sex/self-pleasure tips. 

I would agree though that women don't necessarily want sex as much because, talking from personal experience, I'm kind of hard to please. Sex can be painful or uncomfortable for women, relative to men, so I definitely think that factors in. Still, I feel that "horniness" is about equal. I think about sexual things all the time, I can, ah, take care of myself. It's just not as socially acceptable for girls to admit these things. 

But I digress. Thank you everyone for the support.


----------



## kreeper

Paloma M said:


> It's amazing how you're not even pregnant yet. hahaha I'm just kidding. That was a terrivle joke. Anyways, yeah sleeping around with too many guys is not a good thing at all. You don't need to base your own self worth on men,especially on sex. Heck I'm still a virgin and I don't feel ugly at all. Last time I kissed a guy and had physical contact with him was 3 years ago. Does it make me feel desparate to get another guy to pay attention to me? Sometimes. But I don't let that destroy my self esteem.


I'm very cautious with that.  It sounds like you've got a good handle on yourself! I'm aiming to be more like that, to be more confident in myself and less needy, and I think I am making some progress (though it may be slow).


----------



## meganmila

Ok..if you men are talking about sex as in intercourse then yeah I don't want it all the time but other sexual stuff yes I want that. So from what I am meaning from sex is all sexual acts like oral, intercourse, fingers, everything....I think most people when they say sex they mean intercourse...the whole package is nice lol. It's not always about PIV.


----------



## MachineSupremacist

Wait a minute. This doesn't seem right. After you've met up, who leaves who? Do you run back home after or do they throw you out?


----------



## kreeper

MachineSupremacist said:


> Wait a minute. This doesn't seem right. After you've met up, who leaves who? Do you run back home after or do they throw you out?


I'm never the one to tell them to get out or to take off in the middle of the night, but really I've only had one guy tell me they didn't want me to stay the night. With others there's been some semblance of "relationship" to it even though they all pretty much were one night stands. I've kissed guys and then kinda avoided them, but except in one case, usually I don't ditch the guy after sex, he ditches me, perhaps because it's obvious I like them. I don't know.


----------



## anomalous

kreeper said:


> I would agree though that women don't necessarily want sex as much because, talking from personal experience, I'm kind of hard to please. Sex can be painful or uncomfortable for women, relative to men, so I definitely think that factors in. Still, I feel that "horniness" is about equal. I think about sexual things all the time, I can, ah, take care of myself. It's just not as socially acceptable for girls to admit these things.


Not to stray too far OT, but I wanted to mention that this societal double standard can have an adverse effect on men, too, in an odd way. Some guys like myself are just way too gullible and naive, especially when we're young. So when women almost universally hide their sexuality and sex drive in public, even pretending to be grossed out at the mention of sex, we really believe that women don't like sex that much until proven otherwise. This is doubly so if we grew up in a religious household that reinforces this view of female sexuality, as I did.

It's frustrating, because I grew up thinking exactly like phoenixwright is in this thread. Honestly, embarrassing as this is, reading Internet forums like this was the only way I came to realize that women really do think about and enjoy sex in an amount comparable to men.

I'm sure once you pursue a woman and successfully get her in bed, the illusion is shattered and your thinking is permanently corrected. So, this gives a big advantage to men who aggressively pursue their own needs at a young age, as they will quickly come to realize the facade women put up in our society is just that. Meanwhile, those of us overly concerned with others' needs will continue to believe women don't like sex and that we should tread lightly. That can then easily become a vicious circle of inexperience and insecurity. This is likely a significant factor in the high rates of virginity among men on SAS. If women genuinely want more "nice guys" to approach them, then one solution on a societal level is to stop pretending they don't like sex, as it gives some of the "good guys" pause. To be clear, I'm not blaming women, since they are under social pressure to suppress their urges in public. It's just a messy and unfortunate situation all around.


----------



## Garretoo

My understanding is that when men become horny its more of a biological reaction, and for women, is much more psychological. I guess this would help explain why women masturbate much less? I'm actually curious to read more about this subject from a scientific point of view.


----------



## MachineSupremacist

kreeper said:


> I'm never the one to tell them to get out or to take off in the middle of the night, but really I've only had one guy tell me they didn't want me to stay the night. With others there's been some semblance of "relationship" to it even though they all pretty much were one night stands. I've kissed guys and then kinda avoided them, but except in one case, usually I don't ditch the guy after sex, he ditches me, perhaps because it's obvious I like them. I don't know.


Yikes. To put yourself out there so completely and then not get called back... oh come on. Is my gender really that stupid and uncompassionate?

I can see how it would be addictive. There's going to be a real high and a real low. You are obviously a profoundly hurt and lonely individual and you really clearly need someone who will make you feel genuinely secure and cook you omelets and such. I wouldn't mind being that person, although I can never properly flip an omelet and I'm in the wrong state anyway. Tell yourself that you matter, and if you do it again try to pick someone you can persuade to treat you like a human being at least.


----------



## Brickbatstone

I'm in my mid 30s and I've only had two girlfriends. My first girlfriend I was 25 and she was my first everything. My current girlfriend, I've been with for three years. But in between, I've been with a lot of women that I've lost count, I would say somewhere in the 30s. It was back when chat rooms actually had people in them and that's where I would meet them, or at local forums. Sometimes the sex was great, sometimes it was terrible but I never wanted anything serious. So much so that at the end I was mainly just looking for married women in their late 30s or early 40s who I knew weren't interested in a LTR. Eventually I found the girl I'm with now. At first I wasn't into her but I saw her a few times and started to like her. I'm not sure what made her different from others but maybe that's what you're looking for too, the 'perfect one'.


----------

