# How have you developed your self-confidence?



## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

How does one improve their self confidence? Many people have told me that I have low self esteem or low self confidence and it affects every aspect of my life. For example today, I would like to go to the family and friends day that my church is giving but since I haven't been to church in a long time, I don't have any friends at church, only people I know of and I stopped going to church and no one missed me!!!! That is when I know when I don't have any friends, when no one misses me when I stop going. But I am trying to list things that I can do to improve this. I am furthering my education, any other ideas?


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## mrpositivity (Aug 12, 2011)

Goal setting is great, even if its small stuff. I have struggled with confidence issues too. I think all SA'ers do. It takes hard work, very hard work with very little results. eventually those results will add up. A big thing for me has been to fake it. Even if you think everyone knows your faking it, who cares, do it anyway. Fake it, fake it, and then fake it some more. Act positive, even in your head. All day long. It may not come natural to you. It may feel stupid. Do it anyway. Work out or run, It may have a small impact on you, But we have to take every little thing we can get. Over the past six months I have viewed my social issues and all of the problems that come with it as a fight for my life. and i feel better, not all the way better, but enough to notice it. You may feel like you are doing more work than you are gaining results. But eventually its going to all add up.


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## broseph (Jan 18, 2010)

I believe low self-esteem is the result of a number of negative beliefs about your role in social interactions. Beliefs are simply thoughts you have on a regular basis. Everyone has some negative beliefs, SAers have A LOT of them. In order to overcome this, I've been paying a lot of attention to the things I tell myself and write down any thought that I have on a regular basis. For example, "If I ask a question people will think I'm stupid." I probably acquired this belief sometime in my childhood when I asked a question and had people laugh at me. It's of course a completely outdated belief with no relevance in my adult life, but whenever I'm in class and want to ask a question I still hold back. In order to change this I'm working on changing my perspective to "If I ask a question I'll encourage group discussion." which is a more positive take on things.

"I don't have any friends" is one negative belief. Even if you don't have any friends, you can make some very quickly once you've changed your beliefs and acquired the mannerisms of a sociable person.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

mrpositivity said:


> Goal setting is great, even if its small stuff. I have struggled with confidence issues too. I think all SA'ers do. It takes hard work, very hard work with very little results. eventually those results will add up. A big thing for me has been to fake it. Even if you think everyone knows your faking it, who cares, do it anyway. Fake it, fake it, and then fake it some more. Act positive, even in your head. All day long. It may not come natural to you. It may feel stupid. Do it anyway. Work out or run, It may have a small impact on you, But we have to take every little thing we can get. Over the past six months I have viewed my social issues and all of the problems that come with it as a fight for my life. and i feel better, not all the way better, but enough to notice it. You may feel like you are doing more work than you are gaining results. But eventually its going to all add up.


Exercising does help elevate our moods, that is true. I stopped exercising but I am going to start back up again. I know I did feel much better and less depressed after I exercised. You are right, it isn't easy when working toward obtaining self confidence. It requires that I am honest with myself and take steps toward changing and improving and not staying in my comfort zone.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

broseph said:


> I believe low self-esteem is the result of a number of negative beliefs about your role in social interactions. Beliefs are simply thoughts you have on a regular basis. Everyone has some negative beliefs, SAers have A LOT of them. In order to overcome this, I've been paying a lot of attention to the things I tell myself and write down any thought that I have on a regular basis. For example, "If I ask a question people will think I'm stupid." I probably acquired this belief sometime in my childhood when I asked a question and had people laugh at me. It's of course a completely outdated belief with no relevance in my adult life, but whenever I'm in class and want to ask a question I still hold back. In order to change this I'm working on changing my perspective to "If I ask a question I'll encourage group discussion." which is a more positive take on things.
> 
> "I don't have any friends" is one negative belief. Even if you don't have any friends, you can make some very quickly once you've changed your beliefs and acquired the mannerisms of a sociable person.


I acquired that same belief about speaking up in my twenties but that is true, I have learned to look at things more positively and throughout the years, I have been speaking up more and more. It takes time and requires a more positive way of thinking though, you are right about that.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

"I don't have any friends" is one negative belief. Even if you don't have any friends, you can make some very quickly once you've changed your beliefs and acquired the mannerisms of a sociable person.

I have been working on speaking up more and have made more friends at work. I still have trouble forming social relationships outside of work, on weekends, I am bored and have no friends to spend time with over the weekend as of now. What things can I do to improve my social life on the weekends?


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## JenN2791 (Aug 21, 2011)

By trying to find new hobbies that i could do on my own without needing to include others. I kind of have a hard time enjoying alone time.. so whenever I don't get to chill w some1, my self esteem goes through the roof, then all the negativity seeps through my mind..making me think i am not good enough for anything or anyone...etc.

So I've tried to find things to do on my own free time.. to try to discover my likes and dislikes...explore...etc. It's been kinda fun so far.


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## minddrips (Oct 17, 2011)

yes, i was actually very egotistical at one point. then i demolished those beliefs.


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

JenN2791 said:


> By trying to find new hobbies that i could do on my own without needing to include others. I kind of have a hard time enjoying alone time.. so whenever I don't get to chill w some1, my self esteem goes through the roof, then all the negativity seeps through my mind..making me think i am not good enough for anything or anyone...etc.
> 
> So I've tried to find things to do on my own free time.. to try to discover my likes and dislikes...explore...etc. It's been kinda fun so far.


That sounds like a good idea. I like to do crafts so I might do some crafting in my spare time. Thank you for the good suggestion!


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## peach123 (Dec 13, 2010)

minddrips said:


> yes, i was actually very egotistical at one point. then i demolished those beliefs.


When I was a teenager, I used to think that way as well but as I got older, I realized that no one is perfect, even me and that we all make mistakes. That way I no longer had outlandish standards of how I should be and how others should be, I was less rigid and more accepting of others. Not to say that you let others mistreat you but I learned to be less critical and more empathetic.


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## SupaDupaFly (Sep 1, 2011)

Setting goals and actually achieving them will make you feel more confident. That in itself is enough to reduce your low self esteem. To work on the physical aspect of confidence I workout. It has helped me tremendously..Step back,conquer your goals, build upon it. that's my motto.


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## IndigoBridges (May 20, 2012)

Limiting beliefs can certainly hold us to ransom. I've worked on mine using emotional freedom techniques. This method is not at all like traditional counseling and doesn't require endless talking. When you release the negative emotions and beliefs held in your body then they lose their power over you and you become free to make your own choices.
Small steps and celebration of successes helps


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## chillLifter (Apr 2, 2012)

try working out at a gym. I know that the thing is that "looks aren't everything" and I agree, it shouldn't be, but bottom line is if you look good, and you know you look good, you will feel good. THis is what single handedly saved my life.

Find a hobby, something that really interests you and get lost in it. 

Also, and this took YEARS to develope, but alot of low self esteem seems to stem from thinking what other people think of you. If you say something stupid, make an *** out of yourself in public, etc., which also seems to stem from negative experiances one has had throughout their lives. (bullied, abused, etc.) When you stop caring about all of that, you will be free. You can't change the past, hell use all those bad experiances as learning experiances. Stop caring about what other people think of you, leave the past in the past and take back your life!


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## JenN2791 (Aug 21, 2011)

peach123 said:


> That sounds like a good idea. I like to do crafts so I might do some crafting in my spare time. Thank you for the good suggestion!


Crafting as in arts and craft? If so, you can definitely make things for your room too! Or your home overall  Decorating is fun esp when you're decorating your home hehe


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## theflow (May 21, 2012)

Lol by doing everything I was terrified of on a regular basis.


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## Midnight Laces (May 5, 2012)

I feel like mine is going to break. 

I've been on forums for far too long.


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## tjames (Jan 31, 2012)

How do you know no one missed you. People often are so busy noticing what going on that they forget what is missing. Some times it takes people a while to notice. That doesn’t make you any less valuable. Lately I have been telling my self I am valuable, competent and confident. I tell myself I am one, all or a combination of these probably 500+ times a day. Most negative thoughts I catch get interrupted with I am valuable. If I am thinking about a future conversation I tell myself, “If I have this conversation in the future I will have it competently and confidently.”


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## apx24 (Jan 31, 2012)

mrpositivity said:


> Goal setting is great, even if its small stuff. I have struggled with confidence issues too. I think all SA'ers do. It takes hard work, very hard work with very little results. eventually those results will add up. A big thing for me has been to fake it. Even if you think everyone knows your faking it, who cares, do it anyway. Fake it, fake it, and then fake it some more. Act positive, even in your head. All day long. It may not come natural to you. It may feel stupid. Do it anyway. Work out or run, It may have a small impact on you, But we have to take every little thing we can get. Over the past six months I have viewed my social issues and all of the problems that come with it as a fight for my life. and i feel better, not all the way better, but enough to notice it. You may feel like you are doing more work than you are gaining results. But eventually its going to all add up.


Thank you, that is such good advice


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## Amorphousanomaly (Jun 20, 2012)

Working out at the gym works really well for me. It's a pretty safe environment where you can be around other people without fear of conversation, everyone has headphones on! I work out hard every single day, it helps the insomnia too.


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

Simply put - get out there and face your fears AT THE SAME TIME as trying to be, act and feel the way you want to (that second part is vital, just getting out and facing your fears without reconditioning yourself will do very little to help you change)

Read my recent success story post here:

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com...ng-found-on-meetup-com-188425/#post1060054509


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

I am with the goal setters, celebrate (with yourself) even the small accomplishments. 

It's helped me, learn to play a certain song? Go you! 

Push yourself out of your comfort zone and do something social? Be Proud of yourself

I pat myself on the back all the time, I'm not super vocal about that, I'm sure that would be annoying but you are the best person to validate yourself. 

Think about this, would you give a child support and encouragment when they did something right or hard or difficult, of course you would. So why not yourself. 

Children build self esteem (real self esteem) through accomplishment I was so lucky to have parents that challenged me to read, to think, to learn music to explore and read and learn and do things. Those are the experiences that mad me who I am. 

I have the choice to continue that, to make myself do things that I might not be super comfy with but when I make it through them I feel a tiny rush. I survived, and maybe I can make it through that next challenge. Take it a little step further.


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## chantellabella (May 5, 2012)

I've built my confidence over the years with baby steps.

I started repeating positive things like "people like me" rather than "people hate me" more often.

I got outdoors more often and did challenging things like kayaking and hiking.

I found hobbies that I could finish in a day.

If I felt like I messed up, I would force myself to say "stop it" if the negative thoughts started creeping in. 

I joined a group where I had to take a turn to talk. 

I found careers that worked with children and teens. They are the easiest audiences to please and they also will be honest and less judgmental. 

Got away from toxic people who felt the need to name call or put me down.


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## newbornmind (May 6, 2012)

chantellabella said:


> I've built my confidence over the years with baby steps.
> 
> I started repeating positive things like "people like me" rather than "people hate me" more often.
> 
> ...


Good tips here, solid, not crazy flamboyant, and achievable to put into action by many here.

One question, how did you go about finding and getting involved with a group where you had to take a turn and talk, and did you build up to that, or just jump in and get used to it over time?

Thanks,

Nick


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## Scarlett22 (Jun 28, 2012)

I found this book really helpful when I was at my lowest.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Confiden...TF8&qid=1341354371&sr=8-1&keywords=paul+mcgee

I even found it on the american site for you  (fingers crossed you are american....lol)


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