# Do you tend to give up easily on friendships?



## Fun Spirit (Mar 5, 2014)

Do you tend to give up easily on friendships? Do you feel discourage? 

I think this is the case for myself. {Especially online.}
I could meet someone new and everything seem to be good in the beginning but then for whatever reason it just goes downhill for me. The next thing I know, like less than a week or within a couple of exhange messages I go cold turkey. Meaning I stop talking with someone. I pretty much cut them off. I don't even bother to tell the person. {I don't like having to explain myself.}
Even when one doesn't respond to a message I had sent about a day or two I become discourage and remove them from my Contact List. {In order for people to VM me I add them to my Contact List.}


I don't like how I am handing this. It is like when there is a hick up, depending on the hick up it REALLY make me question if I want to continue getting to know the person. Like to have them in my life as a friend. {I take friendships seriously} Nowadays people rub me the wrong way. Maybe it is because I know what I want and don't want in a friendship.
Or could it be I give up easily and take things too personally?

It is hard for me to make a friend and even carry out a long lasting conversation. I never use to be this way.



Suggestions? Insight? Can you relate?


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Yes...almost same pattern. 

In my head I don't believe I have anything to offer to the relationship so I don't put in the effort.


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## Zatch (Apr 28, 2013)

Not really. If I like someone enough to call them a friend they'd have to do something incredibly grimy for me to rescind that.


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## AnxiousMary (May 26, 2018)

It called Ghosting. I find it to be really rude and mean of people to do that, and it hurts me real bad when someone does it to me 

Hiccups and disagreements are a part of any relationship. Often they are even imaginable and not real, more of a miscommunication type of thing. My advice is to learn how to express your frustration with another person in words, to them. And stay kind and open to hear the other side of the story. 

Maybe think about what a phrase or situation triggered you in every situation. Why? Are those hiccups all have a similar nature? How did they make you feel? When did the change in your reaction happen?


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## momentsunset (Nov 10, 2009)

I definitely relate. I also know what it is I want and don't want in a friendship. Any sign of flakiness or disrespect and they're blocked or ghosted.
It's probably unreasonable to people but I've just been there when it comes to bad friends and I'm tired of wasting time and effort with people who I don't 100% get along with or who upset me. I've had the flaky, inconsiderate friends for years and it causes too much pain and frustration.


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## MadnessVertigo (Sep 26, 2016)

This is why I avoid getting close to anyone at all. Either I or they will do this.


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## SamanthaStrange (Jan 13, 2015)

Sometimes. But more often, I am the one who gets ghosted.


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## Kinable (Apr 25, 2013)

I seem to be the one who gets ghosted a lot here, I would never do something so rude. Not sure why so many people do it, if you don't want to talk anymore just say so, don't leave us hanging like that. I don't even get mad anymore because I know that person is living a worse life than me. Not saying I want them to suffer but it's more of karma's a b****.


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## pixietrancelove (Jul 1, 2018)

This happens to me and its quite hurtful when someone you were talking to suddenly blanks you, maybe try and realise that when someone doesn't message you back straight away it isn't personal, I've done it before where I've been busy doing something and someone sends me a mesaage which i quickly read (with the intention of replying when i can) only to completely forget when i get chance. There is usually an explanation if the person is usually good at talking to you 

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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Yeah I've lost count in how many times I've... been done this to by someone.



> It is like when there is a hick up, depending on the hick up it REALLY make me question if I want to continue getting to know the person. Like to have them in my life as a friend. {I take friendships seriously} Nowadays people rub me the wrong way. Maybe it is because I know what I want and don't want in a friendship.
> Or could it be I give up easily and take things too personally?


Yeah this sounds horrible, honestly this is one of textbook ways to make someone's SA even worse. I do hope you change this mentality though. If not, you're eventually gonna run into someone who is horrible and angry at taking "being ghosted", and you might run into trouble.


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## SplendidBob (May 28, 2014)

Yeh ghosting is ****ing horrible tbh (actual ghosting, not incel "she spoke to me and now she is mine" ghosting). Have done it myself a couple of time in the spur of the moment, and regretted it horribly. Most online convo's fade out, or remain very sporadic (which is fine), but when you _actively_ decide to cut someone out of your life you should tell them why, even online (because they are actual people as well).

You are putting your discomfort at telling them what the problem is, over their need to find out what happened. And if you are the kind of person who is ghosting people a lot, that problem is almost certainly you and not them. It's cowardly. If you have the urge to do this in the spur of the moment, just leave it alone for a few days, come back and then at least have the decency to explain why.

SA isn't an excuse. Nor is BPD (or whatever it is that causes people to push people away pre-emptively).


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## pixietrancelove (Jul 1, 2018)

splendidbob said:


> Yeh ghosting is ****ing horrible tbh (actual ghosting, not incel "she spoke to me and now she is mine" ghosting). Have done it myself a couple of time in the spur of the moment, and regretted it horribly. Most online convo's fade out, or remain very sporadic (which is fine), but when you _actively_ decide to cut someone out of your life you should tell them why, even online (because they are actual people as well).
> 
> You are putting your discomfort at telling them what the problem is, over their need to find out what happened. And if you are the kind of person who is ghosting people a lot, that problem is almost certainly you and not them. It's cowardly. If you have the urge to do this in the spur of the moment, just leave it alone for a few days, come back and then at least have the decency to explain why.
> 
> SA isn't an excuse. Nor is BPD (or whatever it is that causes people to push people away pre-emptively).


I agree with all of this

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## SAgirl (Nov 15, 2003)

I agree with Kinable. "If you don't want to talk anymore just say so. Don't leave us hanging like that." This is why you should be upfront. If you are depressed and you keep ignoring me I am going to assume that you are in a major depression and keep reaching out cause I'm a great friend. 
If you have ever said that you are the self harming type I might be reading the obituaries. 😮 Until you reach out I am going to be worrying non-stop about you because I care. 

And you are going to ignore me and hurt
me on purpose. Ghosting is the worst thing that you can do to someone. If you have been friends for many years you will wonder why that person abandoned ship and what you did wrong. 

I am unable to repair a friendship with someone who knows that they have been hurting me on purpose. 🙈 Or clearly chooses not to talk to me anymore since they've already made up there mind about things. I'm not going to beg them to stay my friend because life is too short for that. You are either all in or all out. Plus I'm too old for games.


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## Rains (Jan 20, 2016)

If you're doing this a lot it sounds like you probably have interpersonal rejection sensitivity and deal with it by distancing yourself from people, possibly to punish them or at least not give them a chance to properly reject you (if they were even going to do that, which is extremely unlikely in all the cases where you've rejected someone first).

Also, you can't deal with interpersonal rejection sensitivity by rejecting people first in some vain attempt to protect yourself. Personally I've found so far the best way to deal with it, is with empathy. Obviously not everyone is going to like you, some people will be indifferent or even despise you. You're going to be low priority to most people you meet. But actually it's very grandiose to expect anything more than that, and if you're going to respect other people's autonomy then you'll respect their decision to reject you too. It gets easier to handle rejection the more you deal with it IF you can keep your empathy for said people intact. 

And obviously not every single person will reject you, most will just be acquaintances, and a few will stick around, unless you're exceptionally abhorrent, which is unlikely since most people aren't.

One way to start would be by not deleting anyone from your contact list once you've added them (unless you have too obviously, like they're abusive).


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## roxslide (Apr 12, 2011)

I ghost people a lot (countless times, if you're reading this and I ghosted you, sorry....) but usually it isn't due to a conscious decision I make. I usually just put off responding and then completely forget about it. By the time I remember I feel extremely awkward responding to them. It's a combination of a lot of things I guess, short attention span, lazy, SA and also I'm scatterbrained. I'm the same as you though, can't keep up conversations, give up easily. I wouldn't say I go cold turkey... it's not like I dislike them or want to rid them from my life. I would say I am very sporadic and get bursts of energy... but for the most part conversation fatigues me so that's why I put it off... but my feelings toward that person are fairly stable idk. I even ghost family members and people I really like. I just suck at communicating and am too lazy/apathetic to keep everything going and so I often just let the friendship fade away. But yeah I wouldn't dream of removing contacts, unless I felt like we had an actual disagreement.

But I also actively push people away I guess. I've gotten a lot better at being direct about it, usually if I decided I dislike you nowadays it's fairly obvious unless you're extremely literal (I'm not going to scream, "I don't like you!" to your face, but if you asked, I would probably tell you the truth).

I think the disconnect with ghosting IMO is that people who ghost... don't really care if other people ghost them (at least this is true in my case)... which is why they think it's acceptable behavior. Whereas people who would never ghost get really hurt, but even though I understand that rationally, emotionally I don't understand because I don't really care if I've been ghosted. I've have been ghosted a few times (even by someone I considered a best friend at the time) and it's a shame I guess but I'm not mad at them and if they didn't want to talk to me anymore then they have no obligation to. They don't owe me anything, the fact that they stopped talking to me is sign enough.


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## LightUpTheAzureSky (Mar 6, 2018)

Mostly i avoid people, There are these brief spurts where i have more of an extroverted approach to how i handle conversing, making friends and interaction as a whole. During these time's i will do things i usually shy away from, for instance, sending the first message to people, joining discord/skype groups, visiting anime forums and striking up conversations. (this is usually followed by an extreme isolation crash, where i whole up in my room for a few days/weeks. lol)
But during these 'spurts' i am usually the one who gets ghosted, it can be hurtful at time's.
If it end's up happening, it's usually because of life or my aforementioned isolation crashes, nothing intentional.
The rare times i actually decide not to talk to someone anymore, 'ghost' them, it's due to them being crazy, toxic or devoid of a personality.(the typical 'ye' 'yup' 'lol' responses WHILE insisting on texting you day in and day out. gosh i hate those people.)


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## ceelofan96 (Jan 7, 2015)

roxslide said:


> I ghost people a lot (countless times, if you're reading this and I ghosted you, sorry....) but usually it isn't due to a conscious decision I make. I usually just put off responding and then completely forget about it. By the time I remember I feel extremely awkward responding to them. It's a combination of a lot of things I guess, short attention span, lazy, SA and also I'm scatterbrained. I'm the same as you though, can't keep up conversations, give up easily. I wouldn't say I go cold turkey... it's not like I dislike them or want to rid them from my life. I would say I am very sporadic and get bursts of energy... but for the most part conversation fatigues me so that's why I put it off... but my feelings toward that person are fairly stable idk. I even ghost family members and people I really like. I just suck at communicating and am too lazy/apathetic to keep everything going and so I often just let the friendship fade away. But yeah I wouldn't dream of removing contacts, unless I felt like we had an actual disagreement.
> 
> But I also actively push people away I guess. I've gotten a lot better at being direct about it, usually if I decided I dislike you nowadays it's fairly obvious unless you're extremely literal (I'm not going to scream, "I don't like you!" to your face, but if you asked, I would probably tell you the truth).
> 
> I think the disconnect with ghosting IMO is that people who ghost... don't really care if other people ghost them (at least this is true in my case)... which is why they think it's acceptable behavior. Whereas people who would never ghost get really hurt, but even though I understand that rationally, emotionally I don't understand because I don't really care if I've been ghosted. I've have been ghosted a few times (even by someone I considered a best friend at the time) and it's a shame I guess but I'm not mad at them and if they didn't want to talk to me anymore then they have no obligation to. They don't owe me anything, the fact that they stopped talking to me is sign enough.


I think I am the same way. I also assume our friendship isn't so valuable to the other person that not talking for a while will bother them. If our friendship is strong, then I assume it will be resistant to communication gaps (up to a point). If the relationship means a lot to me, I can spend hours thinking about/ drafting what to say before sending any message. But I do give up easily also. There are so many ways to hurt other people and I think that giving people space in a relationship isn't the worst thing. I do worry that I'm hurting the people I'm avoiding. In those moments I guess I do prioritize my comfort over their being "in the know".

I'm interested in exploring this topic further . I know its an emotionally charged one :-(


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## JerryAndSports (Jul 13, 2018)

Yep lol I like bein alone anyway so it's like screw it I don't need need this


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## Scaptain (Aug 12, 2016)

Yes. I'm an unforgiving person, which is probably something I should change. But like always people keep proving me right on why I don't let anyone get close.


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## CNikki (Aug 9, 2013)

These days, yes. It's hardly worth it anymore. I would have a select few because they have shown that they're there even when times were a bit rough, so I try not to give up so much in turn. Even started to rant about it but I know that it'll bring drama and have me seem all over the place lately - at least more so.


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## Girafadilla (Jul 28, 2018)

I've found that after an entire life with no "real" friends, I just gave up. It's not worth trying, either I'm going to do something, or they will. It's almost as if it's become an addiction to loneliness that I purposefully sabotage things, I guess just have really high expectations of what a friend should be, but even those expectations don't seem like much. At this point though I don't really care I don't want friends, I'm happy with myself, being lonely made me a better person.


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## truant (Jul 4, 2014)

I tend to hold onto people for a long time. I've had the same two best IRL friends for 30 years now. But sometimes people drift apart for one reason or another, or you lose friends when other people stop talking (he/she gets half your friends in the 'divorce' along with the assets).

I officially broke up with one friend because he was driving me crazy, and I ghosted one friend because he had anger issues and I just couldn't deal with being on the receiving end anymore. But we'd already been drifting apart for years by that point.

I wish I had more time for friendships but I have to work so much I'm hesitant to make any more commitments. It's too bad I'm not filthy rich so I'd have more time for friends.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

I don't give up on them easily at all. But in saying that I'm very sensitive and take things far too personally sometimes. So I've gotten rid of a couple of very long-term friends because of it. One of them I'd known since I was 8 years old. It's actually more complicated than that but it still makes me sad. We were like brothers and he must have been pretty hurt by it.


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## Lohikaarme (Aug 28, 2013)

I have a tendency to put friendships on the back burner sometimes, but only because socializing takes an extreme amount of energy for me. I do feel pretty bad about it.


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## cybernaut (Jul 30, 2010)

I tend to disappear _a lot_ both online and offline. Reasons relating to feeling exhausted from [long-winded] communication; getting so caught up in goals/errands/endeavors; or fighting my own battles that I don't care to openly complain about.

I've also dealt with a good handful of clingy people (eg: wanting to talk on the phone for 2-3 hours every single day)or people who only talk to me for the wrong reasons. I don't know which one is worse.

I can't even do any form of social media or blogging crap. Just don't care for it. Weirdly, I had quite an active 'online life' up until 21 or 22. Beyond that, its been hermit mode for me.


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## Tymes Rhymes (May 28, 2014)

This is me for sure.

I have no friends online or IRL and this is partially due to me feeling unfulfilled in my interactions with most humans. Even if the person seems genuinely nice, I have a hard time feeling connected to them and therefore usually end contact.

The reasoning as to why is varied. I have been burned by seemingly "nice" people many times before so whenever I encounter one, I am highly skeptical as to the validity of there demeanor.

I know it is my fault not allowing myself to be happy and for not connecting with people but I honestly prefer my alone time more than even hanging out in a casual setting.


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## Yu89 (Jun 10, 2018)

Genetic Girl said:


> I find myself feeling easily discouraged too when it comes to friendships. I often find myself getting hurt when I send people messages on here but they ignore my messages or reply my messages really late on a consistent basis.
> 
> If I have to chase after someone's friendship, then is that friendship still worth it? If I have to make a friend care about me, then is that friendship still worth it? Maybe it's really time to move on from those friendships and not look back ever again.


It happens but don't give up. There's going to be a little bit of work to get a friendship going. I'm sure you can find someone here. Just be patient.


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## BeautyandRage (Jul 2, 2018)

W


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## Yu89 (Jun 10, 2018)

Genetic Girl said:


> Yu89 said:
> 
> 
> > It happens but don't give up. There's going to be a little bit of work to get a friendship going. I'm sure you can find someone here. Just be patient.
> ...


Well, if you already made up your mind, I can only wish you the best.


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## VirtousD (Apr 2, 2017)

Definitely the underlying cause is me believing i honestly add nothing to their life, they have their own set of friends what advantage would they have from adding me to it.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

I am a ghoster. It's not a conscious choice (or maybe it is, in part... I 'just give up' at some point and stop fighting my avoidance), and I've done it to people I'd like to stay in contact with. Something inside me is very broken.

With this in mind, I haven't tried to connect with anyone in over a year, now. I am at a bit of an impasse with it all.


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## smoothlinghs (Jun 2, 2018)

It is rude to not tell. It is better to say you don't want to be friends anymore.


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## Alex4You (Jun 19, 2017)

I actually used to have quite a few friends, but once I graduated high school we started drifting apart. Anyway, my friends would keep reaching out to me wanting to hang out, but I mostly just stayed home. After a while they stopped trying to talk to me probably because they assumed I didn't want to hang with them. 

The weird thing is that I really love my old friends to this day, but I hate asking people to hang out and I really enjoy my alone time. I have to force myself to do something social every once in a while otherwise I'd be a complete loner. Now I only have one main friend (my roommate) that I spend time with.

I also hate the idea of making new friends. It seems like no one I meet these days has anything in common with me, so when people try to be my friend I reject them. I love being alone, but I know that having friends is good for me and I have so many good memories with my old buddies. 

I'm planning on reaching out to my old friends again before we get too old and have families, etc. Making new friends seems harder as a 23 year old than it was when I was in school. I'm afraid if I don't get my old friends back, I'll never have friends again lol.


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## stratsp (Jul 30, 2018)

It is more other way round for me actually. I do not have friends at all, not good not bad just none.... the only people I can call friends are my parents and wife....
All the friends I have had were always driven by some necessity on thier part... once done they would just leave. It is already very difficult for me to try and maintain the communication if the other person is trying, but if they have stopped it is just not possible any more for me...:frown2:


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## lonelyboy08 (Apr 7, 2017)

Well I guess I tend to not bother for several reasons, even though I would like to have friends. When I was younger the 'friends' I had I felt like they just had little to no interest in me. I guess I was too quiet or not interesting enough or something. When I try to make friends now it feels really forced and I also don't have much to say a lot of the time. I'm also never sure when I should tell them about my anxiety and depression issues.


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## Trailvisor (Aug 28, 2018)

lonelyboy08 said:


> Well I guess I tend to not bother for several reasons, even though I would like to have friends. When I was younger the 'friends' I had I felt like they just had little to no interest in me. I guess I was too quiet or not interesting enough or something. When I try to make friends now it feels really forced and I also don't have much to say a lot of the time. I'm also never sure when I should tell them about my anxiety and depression issues.


Two peas in a pod here.
Sometimes I feel like I am doing too much yet it turns out to be meaningless conversations. I talked about my anxiety to a couple friends and family and it does help with having a honest conversation topic once in a while. But after that it feels like I am being a leech feeding on their social energy and end up talking less and less.


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