# 2 years - from basement to a real life



## hear2stay (May 13, 2008)

2 years ago:
- I lived at home with my parents (my mom has severe social anxiety and panic attacks) and left the house as little as once a week
- I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
- I was a virgin
- I hated my body: gynecomastia (man boobs) and pectus excavatum (caved in chest)
- I had seriously contemplated killing myself

Today:
- I am re-enrolled at college planning on pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology
- I attend toastmasters once a week and have given two speeches
- I lost my virginity in a passionate summer fling (I'm still working on the whole "women" thing though)
- I've taken an 8 week improv course
- I've traveled for months by myself in the US and in New Zealand
- I've ridden all types of motorcycles in every weather and on every terrain (yes, even through mountain passes in the snow)
- I'm volunteering at a suicide hotline
- I started a new internet based business

How:
- Dr. Richards CBT Program
- Social Anxiety Group based on Dr. Richards therapy
- EMDR therapy for traumatic events in my childhood
- Dr Berent's Therapy Program
- Scaring myself over and over and over and over and over again
- Never giving up
- HOPE: "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies"

And yet I'm still considering taking medication because with all the breathing and CBT techniques I've learned, I still have moments when my body is just out of whack and I get physical symptoms that I've worked so hard to control: tightness in my jaw, pain/watering in my eyes, shaking, heart racing, etc. I still get really frustrated some days.

I don't let my anxiety STOP me from doing anything anymore, but I'm to the point where I want to FEEL normal on regular basis.

I'll post another thread in two years  

This is only the beginning...


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## SADFighter (May 4, 2007)

Congrats man! You're right...only the beginning.

The Dr. Richards audio tapes are part of the reason I'm doing better too. How did the group therapy go? I feel like that could benefit me.


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

That's really impressive! You're inspirational!


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## Dipper (Jul 15, 2007)

Uh, wow. This is one of the most amazing turn-arounds I've seen on this forum. Congrats dude! Keep it up! It is only the beginning.


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## learning07 (Jan 3, 2008)

Congrats, sounds like you dont have SA anymore.....now get out our forums......jk =)


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Wow, well its very good to hear youre doing better than the previous years and anything with cbt specifically socially anxiety therapists are indeed helpful. I cant wait to get my hands on some of the material from Berent, Jonathan.


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## SilentLoner (Jan 30, 2006)

Awesome - I hope I can do just some of that over the next two years


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## palecadude (Jan 26, 2008)

Cool, thanks for sharing


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## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

smalltowngirl said:


> That's really impressive! You're inspirational!


 :yes


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 3, 2008)

WELL DONE! What a great inspiration you are.  And that's good that you added the 'how' as well. Thanks for sharing.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Very cool! Well done!


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## hulkamaniak (Mar 21, 2008)

I downloaded a tape off the net for SA, is 20 tapes worth, and on the first tape it tells you to practice slow talk, is this the dr richards tape you speak of?


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## LunatikPandora (May 10, 2005)

Wow man, comparing the before and afters...I can't help but feel glad for you especially as an SAer.

I'm happy to read that you've been able to completely turn your life around and make things for the better. It's definitely inspirational.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Well done. 

Remember, anxiety tends to creep back if you stop facing your fears. Still, great work.


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## danielk (Jun 4, 2008)

:banana


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## sno (May 27, 2008)

This topic depresses me.


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## hear2stay (May 13, 2008)

sno said:


> This topic depresses me.


***Warning: I ramble on and on and on***

I tried Prozac and it was way too activating. It made me more anxious than I've been in years.

I only took it for a few weeks and then stopped. That was about two weeks ago.

In the last week, it feels like I hit a ****ing brick wall. The last two days my anxiety have been so intense I've barely been able to function. Moments of clenching my whole body and turning red because the feelings are so intense. I can't figure out WHY though.

I skipped out on an internet date I was supposed to have today. There's that avoidance again.

I used my motorcycle as therapy today, which is a terrible thing to do, but it always makes me feel better.

I feel like I shouldn't be volunteering at a crisis clinic because of my recent anxiety bouts, even though I went through 55 hours of training and do a good job on the lines.

I feel like I want to quit Toastmasters (supposed to go tomorrow) even though I've given three speeches. The last one was about EMDR, 8 minutes long and I didn't use any notes. It still scared me beyond belief.

I want to quit my singing lessons. I hate practicing now because I don't want my neighbors to hear me, when it wasn't a problem a month ago.

But yet, the thoughts of suicide are fleeting and I don't want to give up...

What's next?

1) I'm pursuing the diet and supplementation in the book The Mood Cure. I really feel this may be the missing piece of the puzzle I've been looking for.
See: http://www.amazon.com/Mood-Cure-Rebalan ... 0670030694

2) I've done some reading and learned that CBT is effective, but often people relapse, as I'm doing. I'm doing a major shift in treatment from "change your negative thinking" CBT to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I dabbled with some techniques in the book The Mindful Way Through Depression and was blown away by the effect mindfulness had on me in my daily life. I'm pursueing ACT through a book called The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety. 
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Accep ... 1572244992

My goal for the summer now is to get a part time job at Trader Joe's (basically, a job where I am forced to interact with a large number of people) and hit Fall Quarter at school running.

But, I guess the biggest thing I've learned is the drive I have, the attitude of continually pushing myself...is not enough.

I've done things that would scare "normal" people and yet I sit back, look at my life, and it's not the life I want to have. I was going to even play Rugby, until I realized I would get my self seriously hurt playing it as my pseudo-friend who lifts twice my weight gets hurt all the time playing it. The life I want isn't anything fancy, just one where I have positive friends I actually like, a girlfriend and am on my path to get my degree.

I think ACT and the mood cure are going to finally be the answer I've been looking for as I've tried pretty much every non-medication treatment under the sun. Yes, they've helped me do things I never would have been able to do in the past, but "overcoming social anxiety" has become my obsession and I've put off living a fulfilling life to do it.

I'll report back in six months...


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## hear2stay (May 13, 2008)

Whoah!

I'm craving alcohol really bad. I quit drinking in March, but I never would crave alcohol before that, it's just that I'd drink too much in social situations.

Seriously, I want to go get a bottle of something hard and just take shots until I'm drunk.

This is *really* weird. It's never happened to me before, just a desire to get numb off alcohol this desperately. My mom's a recovering alcoholic, so I know it's in me.

I guess what scares me though, is that I'm actually thinking about going and getting something to drink just to numb myself.


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