# The myth of women approaching first



## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

So, I've heard this one a lot of times when women are asked why they don't approach the guys they like more often. They say that men don't like it when a woman makes the first move and it comes off as unattractive.

Well, I've never ever come across a man who thinks that. In fact, I'd say men are dying for women to approach them. So, why does this myth still exist? I wish it would die a horrible death.





EDIT: Please don't turn this into a gender war.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

I sort of know it's not true, but I still feel like it is. But I also have SA and a lot of irrational thoughts in general because of that so doing that would just be incredibly hard, but it's something I'd like to (and probably will have to) try in the future.

I think that women who are never approached though are more likely to approach guys out of necessity, but let's be honest. If someone can get away with not approaching the opposite sex (which is potentially an incredibly awkward situation) they'll take that opportunity.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

If only.


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## Ineko (Jan 5, 2014)

I think men are dieing for "attractive" females to approach them and possibly missing the ones that would just on some superficial bs. I've known of some that wouldn't settle for plain Jane and be happy when hot Nancy might walk by.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

This has seriously happened to me before.......in the summer of 6th grade......when I was going into 7th grade this girl came up to me at the pool....she was really hot too....unfortunately I walked into a pool with my iPhone in my swim trunks the week before......so I didn't get her number......not to say that was a good reason because I should've gotten her number anyway......now anyway she lived too far away and she had a boyfriend so I just let it end there......but yeah its happened to me lol........I don't find it unattractive in fact it was quite awesome as I am really shy with girls but it was a one time thing lol.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

It's not a myth, my ex's friends often sat around and talked crap about girls who approached them because apparently they were "****ty" for doing so and not gf material.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

Ineko said:


> I think men are dieing for "attractive" females to approach them and possibly missing the ones that would just on some superficial bs. I've known of some that wouldn't settle for plain Jane and be happy when hot Nancy might walk by.


The same could be said for women. People like good looking people, that's obvious.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

Ineko said:


> I think men are dieing for "attractive" females to approach them and possibly missing the ones that would just on some superficial bs. I've known of some that wouldn't settle for plain Jane and be happy when hot Nancy might walk by.


People can't help who/what they're attracted to.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)




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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Believing that women should make the first move is as bad as believing that men should make the first move.

If you like somebody, make a friggin' move! Don't just sit there and let the moment pass. That's where people go wrong. 

Most of the people here, me included, would be less bitter if we had just made a move on somebody who we liked, instead of making up reasons for them to reject us.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Do men really approach women much if they have never spoken before? I haven't experienced that outside of bars. I keep hearing about strangers approaching each other on this forum.


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## brooke_brigham (Nov 28, 2013)

Define "approach". I never had any problem "approaching" a guy, like in a bar or club. I don't see any reason not to. If guys think I'm a loser for talking to them then f___ 'em.


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

komorikun said:


> Do men really approach women much if they have never spoken before? I haven't experienced that outside of bars. I keep hearing about strangers approaching each other on this forum.


Yes I've done it a million times with varying degrees of success. If you do it enough you eventually get what you want.(from a guy's point of view)

Oh and the girls that usually approach first are not the girls I would want as a gf. Just my preference though.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> Believing that women should make the first move is as bad as believing that men should make the first move.
> 
> If you like somebody, make a friggin' move! Don't just sit there and let the moment pass. That's where people go wrong.
> 
> Most of the people here, me included, would be less bitter if we had just made a move on somebody who we liked, instead of making up reasons for them to reject us.


Never said anyone is supposed to make the first move.



JakeBoston1000 said:


> Yes I've done it a million times with varying degrees of success. If you do it enough you eventually get what you want.(from a guy's point of view)
> 
> Oh and the girls that usually approach first are not the girls I would want as a gf. Just my preference though.


Sigh...



brooke_brigham said:


> Define "approach". I never had any problem "approaching" a guy, like in a bar or club. I don't see any reason not to. If guys think I'm a loser for talking to them then f___ 'em.


We need more like you.


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

brooke_brigham said:


> Define "approach". I never had any problem "approaching" a guy, like in a bar or club. I don't see any reason not to. If guys think I'm a loser for talking to them then f___ 'em.


Exactly, that was always my attitude as well! **** em'. On to the next one.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

komorikun said:


> Do men really approach women much if they have never spoken before? I haven't experienced that outside of bars. I keep hearing about strangers approaching each other on this forum.


I don't know, I've not had experience with that happening either.

Do you think some guys would think their masculinity is being questioned if women approach them? (this is something I've heard a couple of times, but not sure how true it is) I guess it doesn't matter, I wouldn't want to date someone who cared that much but yeah, curious.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

OP, what are you trying to accomplish here?

If women have gotten bad rejections (not all women, but some) from approaching men, they are less likely to do it. 

So you're not going to change anybody's mind with this thread. It's just going to be a patting on the back, good for you, for the few that do approach men they like. And for the ones that don't, they'll just get more insecure that there's something wrong with them, because they've received bad rejections to doing what you said most guys wouldn't reject them for.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I don't know, I've not had experience with that happening either.
> 
> Do you think some guys would think their masculinity is being questioned if women approach them? (this is something I've heard a couple of times, but not sure how true it is) I guess it doesn't matter, I wouldn't want to date someone who cared that much but yeah, curious.


Maybe they imagine that women who approach, approach other men too. That maybe forward women are overly horny or something.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> OP, what are you trying to accomplish here?
> 
> If women have gotten bad rejections (not all women, but some) from approaching men, they are less likely to do it.
> 
> So you're not going to change anybody's mind with this thread. It's just going to be a patting on the back, good for you, for the few that do approach men they like. And for the ones that don't, they'll just get more insecure that there's something wrong with them, because they've received bad rejections to doing what you said most guys wouldn't reject them for.


To show that approaching first isn't unattractive or unwanted as people make it out to be. (I know I'm being overly idealistic and it's just a stupid thread that'll be meaningless in 5 hours)


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

I prefer women who approach me first. I'm too shy to approach them anyway. If it wasn't for all my exes approaching me I never would have dated any of them.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

gunner21 said:


> To show that approaching first isn't unattractive or unwanted as people make it out to be. (I know I'm being overly idealistic and it's just a stupid thread that'll be meaningless in 5 hours)


But it's been made before. You really didn't need to make this thread again. Just post in an existing thread (do a thread search, you will find at least 20 existing threads dating back to 2007.)


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> OP, what are you trying to accomplish here?
> 
> If women have gotten bad rejections (not all women, but some) from approaching men, they are less likely to do it.
> 
> So you're not going to change anybody's mind with this thread. It's just going to be a patting on the back, good for you, for the few that do approach men they like. And for the ones that don't, they'll just get more insecure that there's something wrong with them, because they've received bad rejections to doing what you said most guys wouldn't reject them for.


He wanted to discuss something I'd imagine. He didn't post a thread on a social anxiety forum to bring about a cultural paradigm shift...


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

I'm not sure whether most guys would find it unattractive for a woman to approach first or not, but there's a bigger concern: most guys read too much into things a woman a does. Eye contact = she wants me to talk to her; eye contact and smile = she's really into me; approach first = i'm getting laid tonight. It's tough showing initial interest because it's very likely that the guy will read it as way more than you intended so it's generally better to show less interest at first.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

Gwynevere said:


> I'm not sure whether most guys would find it unattractive for a woman to approach first or not, but there's a bigger concern: most guys read too much into things a woman a does. Eye contact = she wants me to talk to her; eye contact and smile = she's really into me; approach first = i'm getting laid tonight. It's tough showing initial interest because it's very likely that the guy will read it as way more than you intended so it's generally better to show less interest at first.


Guys are expected to approach, that's the basis for this whole thread. Our role is to approach, yours is to accept/reject. If you don't like your role, all the more reason for you to throw social mores to the wind.

Anyway I don't believing in reading into signs. The thought process should go as follows.

-I see a girl I like
-I'm going to approach her and strike up a conversation
-I'll gauge her interest from how invested she is in our conversation + her body language
-If she doesn't want to be approached, tough ****. I'll figure that out from her lack of interest in our convo. But the possibility she isn't interested in approaches shouldn't deter me in the first place, because where does that leave me? Waiting around forever.

That's the role society has assigned us, for better or worse.


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

euphoria04 said:


> If you don't like your role, all the more reason for you to throw social mores to the wind. ..... If she doesn't want to be approached, tough ****


It sounds like I don't have much choice in the matter. What social more do I throw to wind to get guys to stop bugging me?


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## JakeBoston1000 (Apr 8, 2008)

euphoria04 said:


> Guys are expected to approach, that's the basis for this whole thread. Our role is to approach, yours is to accept/reject. If you don't like your role, all the more reason for you to throw social mores to the wind.
> 
> Anyway I don't believing in reading into signs. The thought process should go as follows.
> 
> ...


One of the few posts I've ever read on this site on attracting women that makes actual sense and sounds like a man! You will def. do well in the end. If a guy can deal with rejections and not let it get to him he's golden.

That's the problem that sa dudes(me included when I was young) have.Thinking too much what the girl is thinking. Who cares? if she's not into you she makes it known and you move on to the next and the next until someone that you are attracted to is attracted back. It's not easy but its' the only way unless you're famous and/or rich.


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

Gwynevere said:


> It sounds like I don't have much choice in the matter. What social more do I throw to wind to get guys to stop bugging me?


Neither do I. I approach or I remain perpetually single. Gender roles suck, don't they?


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I hate my looks too much to approach. Most girls I know feel too ugly to approach a guy they like. Talking to a guy? I can do that (in the lightest of senses, like, "hey do you know what time it is" is the best I can do for any human) but approaching signifies interest right away and girls usually feel too insecure about their looks to do that. Like, my friends complain about their weight/face/aging/etc all the time, to approach someone you gotta assume they'll be attracted to you too, a lot of girls don't have that confidence since we're conditioned to hate our looks from birth. We're supposed to be docile and girly too, and girly girls don't take the lead like that. It's stuff we learn, idk if it's wrong, it's hard to change stuff that's been programmed into your wiring.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

euphoria04 said:


> Neither do I. I approach or I remain perpetually single. Gender roles suck, don't they?


Who is that in your avatar?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

euphoria04 said:


> He wanted to discuss something I'd imagine. He didn't post a thread on a social anxiety forum to bring about a cultural paradigm shift...


I guess I'm just tired of the same threads.

Girls only like bad boys...
Girls hate nice guys...
Girls don't approach men...

I'd like to actually discuss something new, but I guess most guys with SA are insecure, so this kind of thread keeps on being made...


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

Barette said:


> Who is that in your avatar?


Tom Waits


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

It doesn't matter who approaches who first. I've seen girls approach; I've had girls approach me in the past; I've approached many times, and it's relatively all the same in terms of what happens. The only difference is how the individual perceives it, whether it be male or female.

It is almost as if women expect to not get rejected as much as men do, and when they get a rejection they think it's abnormal. If you are approaching people then you WILL get rejected--some more than others--but it is guaranteed you will. Usually, for most people, rejection is far greater than landing a person you find attractive.

I'm not going to say there is a biological component in any of this, because I'm not sure entirely to what degree, but I definitely think there is a social one, in that society dictates a lot of what men and women think as far as courting goes for the genders. Just think outside the box, face rejection, and go for what you want! You'll usually be better off that way! Don't you realize that by taking direct charge of your dating life and going for what you want only increases your odds?

For the most part, I agree with OP. But don't expect all men to be so excited that you approached them. Isn't this thinking irrationally? Do you expect 100% success in this or something? Not realistic. Men will rejection women as women will reject men. No big reason to get caught up in who gets rejected more because you should only be concerned with yourself, which is dictated by way more factors than your gender alone.

If a girl approached me I would consider the same things I would someone I would want to date. Her approaching me does NOTHING to what I perceive of her because I am not a close-minded and assumptive MORON. In my opinion, guys who think a woman approaching first as "wrong" are idiots.

It's interesting to finally get some misconceptions about MEN for a change btw


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*I actully just read a short study on this*

i read alot so i cant link it.
sorry if you'll think i'm a liar.

but it surveyed men in sneaky ways and learned that the majority of men, if approached by a women, would be more lilkley to try to have sex with her right off the bat, and less likely to want to try to have a relationship with her.

I also found this in my own recent online dating sprint because i figured i would save time if i found guys i thought looked ok and asked them out to coffee asap. ALL of them tried to have sex with me asap, even though they had shown similar characteristics to men ive met in the past who were respectful and patient.

so yes, men might say, if asked, "i would be fine with it" in fact they are not. they feel the women is too aggressive and its scary and so they have/ try to have revenge sex (often without being self aware enough to know it)

and why is it so hard for a man to just stand 2-3 feet from a women and say "Hi my name is steve. I love this shop /that film/ this season dont you?"


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## nothing else (Oct 27, 2013)

Men are expected to approach just like women are expected to make the decision of rejection or acceptance. 

Similar to dogs are expected to walk on four legs and fish are expected to swim.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

euphoria04 said:


> Tom Waits


I thought it was the guy from Coldplay. They sort of look the same.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

Guys reject all the time too you know.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

nothing else said:


> Men are expected to approach just like women are expected to make the decision of rejection or acceptance.
> 
> Similar to dogs are expected to walk on four legs and fish are expected to swim.


that's not really comparible since women could approach guys, they just often don't for many reasons.

Also this thread doesn't instill too much hope :')


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## SPC (May 14, 2011)

Persephone The Dread said:


> Also this thread doesn't instill too much hope :')


well i think that the conclusion we can draw from this thread so far is that whether male or female, everyone loves the idea of being the chooser instead of being the approacher aka begger. but hey, as long as you have a clear idea about what you're looking for and the desire to go after it, then it shouldnt matter much whether you have to approach or respond or whatnot. do what you gotta do to not let an opportunity pass by.

there is always hope!


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

komorikun said:


> Maybe they imagine that women who approach, approach other men too. That maybe forward women are overly horny or something.


Yes, I think this is true. And maybe not very trustworthy as well. But it all depends on the type of approach. If it's too aggressive or not. If it is, then that's when men start to think what's "wrong" with her otherwise there would be no problem. Or at least that's how I'd see it.


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

I prefer being the one who is approaching!
I think that the biggest reason behind that is that I can decide the pace for myself, and if a girl is approaching me it feels like she is judging me? Sort of she is checking me out and I fear that I need to reach her expectations.


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## kjwkjw (Dec 14, 2013)

then tell me, why has no lady ever talk to me?


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## MrKappa (Mar 18, 2013)

It's fairly rare if a woman approaches first, and to my recollection it's only really happened at nightclubs. That's probably because inhibitions are low, and people come across slightly more direct.

Any other time, there has never been any pressure and whatever conversation sort of naturally ended up progressing.

I think I remember the typical scenario being a woman claiming that she was waiting on the guy to make the first move.

Really though, is it ever nice when a woman makes the first move, although yeah, I do remember one scenario where someone was nervous, and I could tell they were trying to be more than friendly, and I felt bad, because I simply didn't want any sort of involvement with anyone and preferred distancing myself from everyone in general. In hindsight, yeah, I burn bridges faster than I make them.

Another times it doesn't strike me that there was any opportunity at all, for minutes or hours after there has been a conversation. It's as if women expect a guy to be one hundred percent on the ball all the time, or to drop into a strange predator mode instantly as a sign of interest.

When really, guys have no idea who someone is right off the bat if they hold themselves in reserve.

Sometimes someone who is gorgeous is repelling. Other times quiet and reserved women are incredibly attractive but seeing through what otherwise may be a guard up isn't always easy.



mzmz said:


> and why is it so hard for a man to just stand 2-3 feet from a women and say "Hi my name is steve. I love this shop /that film/ this season dont you?"


Because you can't even do that with guys. Normal chit chat at a totally random scenario with no social pretense is typically a total dead end. People start laughing at seemingly nothing, or they look at you strange or everyone grasps at straws, or one person dominates the scenario with a sales pitch that alienates another, and so on.

If it happens at work, or in a no pressure social environment naturally, then it's great. Naturally. Common ground.

If there is pressure, no social pretense and no common ground, then rejection is higher, and that's not a fun barrier to constantly throw your ego up against.


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

SPC said:


> well i think that the conclusion we can draw from this thread so far is that whether male or female, everyone loves the idea of being the chooser instead of being the approacher aka begger. but hey, as long as you have a clear idea about what you're looking for and the desire to go after it, then it shouldnt matter much whether you have to approach or respond or whatnot. do what you gotta do to not let an opportunity pass by.
> 
> there is always hope!


I think it would be impractical for me to do so because I am physically and mentally unattractive to most guys (so the odds aren't in my favour) definitely not for like cold approaching because that's mostly looks based but also not for other approaches. there might be like 1% of people who wouldn't reject me but I'm not really a gambling person.

I do think other people should try if they want to though. Especially if they're a woman who generally gets a fair amount of attention. They'd probably have a better chance, even considering the guys who really don't want women to be the approacher.


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## SPC (May 14, 2011)

Persephone The Dread said:


> I think it would be impractical for me to do so because I am physically and mentally unattractive to most guys (so the odds aren't in my favour) definitely not for like cold approaching because that's mostly looks based but also not for other approaches. there might be like 1% of people who wouldn't reject me but I'm not really a gambling person.
> 
> I do think other people should try if they want to though. Especially if they're a woman who generally gets a fair amount of attention. They'd probably have a better chance, even considering the guys who really don't want women to be the approacher.


even assuming if the situation is that dire, i think there can always be improvements made to get to where you wanna be. if you think 1% wouldnt reject you right now, then the hope lies in doing things that will grow that number and let you view yourself in a more positive light. easier said than done i know... but sometimes hope in a better future is a fuzzy vague concept :b



kjwkjw said:


> then tell me, why has no lady ever talk to me?


the girl im currently seeing, we saw each other on a consistent weekly basis in group gatherings for about 3 months and nothing happened. i approached her after 4 months and was rejected, tried again a couple of months later and was accepted. later on she said she had been interested in me very early on, but when i asked her why she never approached me, she said it was because in groups i always looked sulky, never smiled, "didnt seem interested in making friends" with her, and generally the opposite of how i am when we are in private.

so a possibility that you've never been chatted up may be due to presentation, not in like a handsome/ugly way, but just emitting a kind of personality that makes other people comfortable enough to say the first word.


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## lisbeth (May 18, 2012)

I've had some success with approaching men. Moreso that way than waiting for them to approach me. I mean, you risk getting rejected, but at least it's someone you already know you're interested in. I have a fairly specific 'type' so it's more efficient for me.



DeeperUnderstanding said:


> Believing that women should make the first move is as bad as believing that men should make the first move.
> 
> If you like somebody, make a friggin' move! Don't just sit there and let the moment pass. That's where people go wrong.
> 
> Most of the people here, me included, would be less bitter if we had just made a move on somebody who we liked, instead of making up reasons for them to reject us.


Agreed. Get what you want 'cause you ask for it, etc. SA makes it easier said than done - hell, human nature makes it easier said than done - but eventually you have to be proactive. You just have to decide the potential payoff is higher than the risk, or at least worth the risk.



komorikun said:


> Do men really approach women much if they have never spoken before? I haven't experienced that outside of bars. I keep hearing about strangers approaching each other on this forum.


I have men I don't know try to strike up conversations with me in the supermarket or say 'hi' to me in the street, but I've never had a stranger actually ask for my number or anything outside of bars etc. Except for that one time I got sexually harassed after a concert, but that was so creepy and horrible it hardly counts.

I witnessed another girl get 'cold approached' on the bus, once, a couple of months ago. It stands out in my memory because it's the only time I've overheard it.



Gwynevere said:


> I'm not sure whether most guys would find it unattractive for a woman to approach first or not, but there's a bigger concern: most guys read too much into things a woman a does. (...) approach first = i'm getting laid tonight.





mzmz said:


> but it surveyed men in sneaky ways and learned that the majority of men, if approached by a women, would be more lilkley to try to have sex with her right off the bat, and less likely to want to try to have a relationship with her.


Truuuuuuuth. Or at least, matches up to my experience. The guys I've approached - even the 'nice' one I already knew socially - initially tried to get me to go home with them, and only asked me on a proper date after I declined that charming offer. And then they tried it on me again after that. It's kind of annoying. It's like they interpret you showing interest as the same as being immediately open to sex, which doesn't really follow at all.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

We have SA, so I think we might be a bit biased on the subject. We'd like women to make the first move because we lack the balls to do it.

When I talk to my regular friends, they seem to enjoy this whole process of approaching and trying to figure girl's minds out to get their numbers/a lay. They see it as a game - an amusing challenge if you wish. *I believe there's a certain pride in "being a man" and seducing a girl via your prowess.*

I remember once in a club, I was talking to this girl, things were going well, and I was entertaining the idea to go for the kiss, slowly mustering the courage to do so, and she just went for the kiss herself! Surprisingly, I was absolutely annoyed and cut off guard. It was like she robbed me of my manliness by taking the initiative hahaha. I just love it when I figuratively grow some balls, manage to overcome my fear, and make an audacious, successful move. *It makes me feel like a man.*


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I'm not going to lie if a woman hit on me I'd be more open to bringing up sex. It would give me a massive confidence boost in that I'd know she's already into me so I wouldn't have some worried I would with a girl I approach. That doesn't mean I wouldn't want a relationship or think she's a **** or so e crazy s*** like that.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

being approached by women is cool but for me it scares me. I feel less of a man and doesnt matter how hot the girl is Im too nervous to do anything about it.


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## TheDarkGuardian (Jun 1, 2013)

Remove the gender part and it comes down to the who the person is that is approaching you first, whether it be for friendly/relationship/associative reasons.

If I were approached by a nice friendly girl I'd be happy. But then the same could be said for my good friends.

If I were approached by a mean person then I wouldn't be happy. 

Maybe approachers think that if they approach someone they like it's the possible rejection that deters them from doing so. I say take a chance.


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

It's still around because it's *not* a myth. It happened to me and other guys I've known. A lot of these guys felt the same way as some of those in this thread (e.g. makes them less of a man), and I just don't get it. It never felt like that to me. I just considered it a compliment, regardless of whether or not I am interested in her or not.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Well there are social mechanisms and stereotypes in place to put a stop to this. Sexual and romantic assertiveness in a girl means she's desperate and promiscuous (which is why when a guy is approached he'll take it as an overt come-on and try and get into her pants straight away) and it'll also undermine a guy's sense of masculinity, control and independence (wah wah role reversal).

Men (read: lonely, self entitled men) think being approached by a woman would always be a good thing because they have this idealised image of what it is to be approached. In the same vein this is why many of them think that the idea of the PUA cold approach thing is appropriate. It's also why they have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that *women who approach men are immediately judged.* In my bar this happens _all the time_, and is seen as a norm. ****-shaming, oh my.

We like to nurture this idea that women have it so easy because all they have to do is sit back and look pretty and wait to choose from the men who talk to them. It ignores three false assumptions: that it's at all socially acceptable for women to approach men without being sexualised, that being approached is always a pleasant thing, and that this happens to women who are conventionally unattractive.

I think it'd take an arena in which well built gay men aggressively approached straight men with awful manipulative lines and inappropriate physical contact to actually force people to understand why 'cold-approach' can be so gross. It is an illusion which is so easy to blind yourself to if you've never experienced it. I'm approached by women a lot at my work and it almost always heightens my own insecurities and leaves me feeling horrible about myself.

I haven't mentioned the judgement that men who approach women are faced with because this has already been so extensively covered on this forum. I'm not denying that men face social stigmas too, just trying to explain something which many people actively refuse to grasp.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

moloko said:


> Yes, I think this is true. And maybe not very trustworthy as well. But it all depends on the type of approach. If it's too aggressive or not. If it is, then that's when men start to think what's "wrong" with her otherwise there would be no problem. Or at least that's how I'd see it.


Women are suspicious of men like that, too, but we're considered ungrateful and rude if we reject a man like that(at least on this forum).


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## pete24 (Oct 13, 2010)

The old fashioned way was for men to always make the first move.

However these days women expect equality, so should also approach just as much as guys are expected to approach them.

I have been places before where women have been giving off signs that they could be interested, but they never approached, it was always up to me to approach them.

I understand completely that in most cases, it's up to me to do the approaching. I am fine with rejection. However it would be nice if things were the other way round every once in a while because i'm starting to think screw approaching women when they can't be bothered to approach me.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Metalunatic said:


> It's still around because it's *not* a myth. It happened to me and other guys I've known. A lot of these guys felt the same way as some of those in this thread (e.g. makes them less of a man), and I just don't get it. It never felt like that to me. I just considered it a compliment, regardless of whether or not I am interested in her or not.


Well, the idea that women can't approach men because men don't like it is a myth, but I see what you mean . I think guys who care have way too much ego for their own good or are just being way too assumptive, or they just feel more comfortable that way for whatever reason. This assumption that women shouldn't is so retarded it's not even funny, and you have to ask where it comes from? It seems ridiculous to me some guys and girls think like this. To me, this is on the same lines of women can't do anything but cook in the kitchen.

Some men like it and some don't for a variety of reasons. What is so hard to see about this?


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## UndreamingAwake (Apr 11, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> Well, the idea that women can't approach men because men don't like it is a myth, but I see what you mean .


Touché!  Good point.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Metalunatic said:


> Touché!  Good point.


Actually, better to say it is overgeneralizing. To each their own.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Mr Bacon said:


> We have SA, so I think we might be a bit biased on the subject. We'd like women to make the first move because we lack the balls to do it.
> 
> When I talk to my regular friends, they seem to enjoy this whole process of approaching and trying to figure girl's minds out to get their numbers/a lay. They see it as a game - an amusing challenge if you wish. *I believe there's a certain pride in "being a man" and seducing a girl via your prowess.*
> 
> I remember once in a club, I was talking to this girl, things were going well, and I was entertaining the idea to go for the kiss, slowly mustering the courage to do so, and she just went for the kiss herself! Surprisingly, I was absolutely annoyed and *cut off guard*. It was like she robbed me of my manliness by taking the initiative hahaha. I just love it when I figuratively grow some balls, manage to overcome my fear, and make an audacious, successful move. *It makes me feel like a man.*


Mistuh Behcon, you were _caught_ off guard when she planted one on you! :wink
...that's advanced American slang - you are right up there in the advanced class :lol.
I think Monsieur Francais here has it right. When men make the first move and take the initiative, that is more satisfying.


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## Mr Bacon (Mar 10, 2012)

millenniumman75 said:


> Mistuh Behcon, you were _caught_ off guard when she planted one on you! :wink
> ...that's advanced American slang - you are right up there in the advanced class :lol.
> I think Monsieur Francais here has it right. When men make the first move and take the initiative, that is more satisfying.


Ouch, looks like I've been _caught_ by the grammar police again!


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## nothing else (Oct 27, 2013)

I'm fine being left alone. Nobody would approach me because I'm way too ugly and weird, and I'd never approach any girl because it would be insulting to them and they might run away and be angered.


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree. I think it's a myth. Though, I have felt uncomfortable being approached by some girls. Whenever I've been hit on, girls have come on to me really strong, which, maybe because of my anxiety, makes me feel uncomfortable. One girl yelled "Ntln is sooooo cute" when I walked into class to her friend in a conversation, so I could obviously hear it and another literally FORCED me to dance with her, physically pulling me, it felt terribly uncomfortable, everyone around me was laughing at me. That s*** would only work if liked the girl, doesn't matter how attractive she was. I don't know if I've ever been flirted with on any other occasion, but if I have, it's been so subtle I haven't been able to tell, which is another extreme.

Women, essentially, approach guys, we love it and it makes us far more likely to be interested in you. But approach guys the way you'd like to be approached, not too strongly or creepily and not so subtly that a professional psychiatrist couldn't be able to work out your intentions.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Mr Bacon said:


> Ouch, looks like I've been _caught_ by the grammar police again!


No way! They do sound alike. :stu


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## moloko (May 1, 2013)

Ntln said:


> Women, essentially, approach guys, we love it and it makes us far more likely to be interested in you. But approach guys the way you'd like to be approached, not too strongly or creepily and not so subtly that a professional psychiatrist couldn't be able to work out your intentions.


:lol True.

Although the we love it part is especially true for any guy (or girl) that doesn't get that anywhere else. If a person is lonely, any attention given to her* is absolutely appreciated. Maybe even too much.

*is person a feminine or masculine noun? does this distinction even exist in english? huge blank right now. I should go back to school...


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## Ntln (Apr 27, 2012)

moloko said:


> :lol True.
> 
> Although the we love it part is especially true for any guy (or girl) that doesn't get that anywhere else. If a person is lonely, any attention given to her* is absolutely appreciated. Maybe even too much.
> 
> *is person a feminine or masculine noun? does this distinction even exist in english? huge blank right now. I should go back to school...


Yeah, true. Even those times were a pretty big confidence boost for me.

*The distinction doesn't exist in English. If the gender is unknown, use "they"


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

You have to approach or show your interest in a man in a covert/indirect fashion. At clubs I know how to do it. In normal social settings....not really. A lot of guys seem to think being talkative with them means you are interested and they are mistaken.


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## The Enclave (May 10, 2013)

Well I'm just going to be blunt and say that women don't approach first because they don't want too.

The "it comes off as unattractive thing" is obviously just an excuse.


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## Steinerz (Jul 15, 2013)

The Enclave said:


> Well I'm just going to be blunt and say that women don't approach first because they don't want too.
> 
> The "it comes off as unattractive thing" is obviously just an excuse.


Yes :yes


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

komorikun said:


> You have to approach or show your interest in a man in a covert/indirect fashion. At clubs I know how to do it. In normal social settings....not really. *A lot of guys seem to think being talkative with them means you are interested and they are mistaken.*


Yep.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I just always feel like I'm inadequate, so I would question any girl who approached me.

Not that it hasn't happened before. But I'm full of fear in a lot of areas, and relationships scare the hell out of me. I would have to be really comfortable with a girl before I considered dating her.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

kiirby said:


> Well there are social mechanisms and stereotypes in place to put a stop to this. Sexual and romantic assertiveness in a girl means she's desperate and promiscuous (which is why when a guy is approached he'll take it as an overt come-on and try and get into her pants straight away) and it'll also undermine a guy's sense of masculinity, control and independence (wah wah role reversal).
> 
> Men (read: lonely, self entitled men) think being approached by a woman would always be a good thing because they have this idealised image of what it is to be approached. In the same vein this is why many of them think that the idea of the PUA cold approach thing is appropriate. It's also why they have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that *women who approach men are immediately judged.* In my bar this happens _all the time_, and is seen as a norm. ****-shaming, oh my.
> 
> ...


Oh stahhp making so much sense. It'll break the internet.


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## yourfavestoner (Jan 14, 2010)

They don't because they don't have to. 

Think..... if all men suddenly stopped approaching women. Would they still stand pat and wait? Hardly. 

Some men may not have the guts to do it - frankly, that's just an easy way for girls to weed out the unconfident ones. A women with suitors has no reason to consider approaching a guy who hasn't done so with her. Moreover, perhaps she interprets his not approaching as a lack of interest?


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

kiirby said:


> Well there are social mechanisms and stereotypes in place to put a stop to this. Sexual and romantic assertiveness in a girl means she's desperate and promiscuous (which is why when a guy is approached he'll take it as an overt come-on and try and get into her pants straight away) and it'll also undermine a guy's sense of masculinity, control and independence (wah wah role reversal).
> 
> Men (read: lonely, self entitled men) think being approached by a woman would always be a good thing because they have this idealised image of what it is to be approached. In the same vein this is why many of them think that the idea of the PUA cold approach thing is appropriate. It's also why they have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that *women who approach men are immediately judged.* In my bar this happens _all the time_, and is seen as a norm. ****-shaming, oh my.
> 
> ...


So men who want to be approached by women are "lonely and self entitled" but men who judge women for approaching are "**** shaming".

Either way the man is wrong! BTW, this whole post is a massive violation of "who has it worse"; You think everything about dating is so offensive to women. :yes



diamondheart89 said:


> Oh stahhp making so much sense. It'll break the internet.


You found 1 sentence in that rambling diatribe you agree with so it all makes sense? Lol. :lol


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

OK, regarding the women being judged on approaching first: A lot of it would depend on the how the approach is done and the context. If the girl approaches a stranger, say in a nightclub while using suggestive remarks, well, no **** the guy will be looking for a quick lay.

Also, EVERYONE IS JUDGED. Guys who approach are judged as creeps by a lot of women (especially if the guy would make a move similar to the one described above). Guys who don't approach are judged as pussies. I mean, you will be judged no matter what you do. (positively or negatively). That's what humans do, they judge each other. 

After seeing some of the answers, I can see some guys saying that it's not their preference, so I guess it's not as much as a myth as I made out to be. It sucks though, for someone with SA, to initiate the whole ordeal.


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## yourfavestoner (Jan 14, 2010)

gunner21 said:


> OK, regarding the women being judged on approaching first: A lot of it would depend on the how the approach is done and the context. If the girl approaches a stranger, say in a nightclub while using suggestive remarks, well, no **** the guy will be looking for a quick lay.
> 
> Also, EVERYONE IS JUDGED.* Guys who approach are judged as creeps by a lot of women (especially if the guy would make a move similar to the one described above).* Guys who don't approach are judged as pussies. I mean, you will be judged no matter what you do. (positively or negatively). That's what humans do, they judge each other.
> 
> After seeing some of the answers, I can see some guys saying that it's not their preference, so I guess it's not as much as a myth as I made out to be. It sucks though, for someone with SA, to initiate the whole ordeal.


Women have their own C word and it's any version of "creep," "creepy" or "creeper." Apparently some men better not dare have the audacity to express interest in these massive egos, lest they be called the C word. That word is overused.

I don't really think men who don't approach get judged...they are simply invisible, a speck barely above the women's notice.


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## gunner21 (Aug 4, 2012)

kiirby said:


> Well there are social mechanisms and stereotypes in place to put a stop to this. Sexual and romantic assertiveness in a girl means she's desperate and promiscuous (which is why when a guy is approached he'll take it as an overt come-on and try and get into her pants straight away) and it'll also undermine a guy's sense of masculinity, control and independence (wah wah role reversal).
> 
> Men (read: lonely, self entitled men) think being approached by a woman would always be a good thing because they have this idealised image of what it is to be approached. In the same vein this is why many of them think that the idea of the PUA cold approach thing is appropriate. It's also why they have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that *women who approach men are immediately judged.* In my bar this happens _all the time_, and is seen as a norm. ****-shaming, oh my.
> 
> ...


First of all, I should have mentioned this in my original post, but by approaching I didn't mean PUA style approaching, but rather approaching someone women know. Of course a man would assume that the girl is looking for a quick lay if the approach is done PUA style (don't women assume the same when they're approached?

Secondly, nowhere in my posts did I ever say that women have it easier than men. Not sure why so many members here seem to bring that into every conversation.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

arnie said:


> So men who want to be approached by women are "lonely and self entitled" but men who judge women for approaching are "**** shaming".
> 
> Either way the man is wrong! BTW, this whole post is a massive violation of "who has it worse"; You think everything about dating is so offensive to women. :yes
> 
> You found 1 sentence in that rambling diatribe you agree with so it all makes sense? Lol. :lol


I agree with all of it, and all of it makes sense. The same can't be said for all "rambling diatribes" around here.


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## twitchy666 (Apr 21, 2013)

I like it where the local moggy rushes to meet me when I come out of the door. She bounces toward me and jumps up to my hand in a meerkat style on back legs and brushes all over me with alert eyes


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

yourfavestoner said:


> They don't because they don't have to.
> 
> Think..... if all men suddenly stopped approaching women. Would they still stand pat and wait? Hardly.
> 
> Some men may not have the guts to do it - frankly, that's just an easy way for girls to weed out the unconfident ones. A women with suitors has no reason to consider approaching a guy who hasn't done so with her. Moreover, perhaps she interprets his not approaching as a lack of interest?


No, it's not weeding out the confident ones. It's weeding out the ones that are not interested in you. And as I said before average to homely looking women do not get approached all that often. And generally get approached or asked out by men they don't find attractive. To really find a guy that you like you can not just "stand pat and wait".


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## Alone75 (Jul 29, 2013)

Some women approach first, some don't. Even less chance a woman with SA would approach a guy, even if she found him irresistible so here is not really the best place to ask. I've been approached first a few times [albeit in a bar setting years ago] by ones I have found attractive. But my shocked anxious reaction, awkward conversation and obvious low confidence soon made them change their minds.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

arnie said:


> So men who want to be approached by women are "lonely and self entitled" but men who judge women for approaching are "**** shaming".


It isn't about men who want to be approached by women, it's about men who have a warped idea of what any approach involves. And that wasn't just a searching insult; lonely because they'll be excited by the prospect of any contacts with the opposite sex, self-entitled because the scenario they imagine will always involve a super hot girl. It's a best case scenario thing. It's relevant to what I was saying in terms of differing perspectives of being approached.

I don't think everything about dating is offensive to women, it's a counter to the general theme of posts on here, which is that dating inherently favours women. I don't really need to talk about how men who approach can be seen as creepy or whatever because that point is made over and over again. The bias as far as I see it isn't in my posts, it's in the nature and agenda of the posts on this forum and the gaps that need to be filled.


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## Tasdel (Nov 3, 2013)

I've only had women approach me. I definitely prefer it haha, I'm not the most confident guy.. I always try to be too nice I think.


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## edibleadam (Jan 4, 2014)

Women often initiate, it just isn't blatant, so most men miss it. Women will preen, draw attention to their lips by applying lip gloss, give coquettish glances, etc. Men are biologically predisposed to physical attraction, so it is in women's best interests to use her physical features to allure men. Women are naturally attracted to confidence, men's value to society, and their utility, so in turn, they expect men to lead and go after what they desire. When I'm feeling confident and sure of myself, women approach me all the time. It just so happens that they are usually less attractive or older. Young, beautiful girls don't have to approach most men. They have the attention of 90% of them already. This is why these women generally end up with older men, men who are perceived *******s, who cheat, etc., because they have to work for their attention.


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## ravens (Aug 31, 2011)

I've always wished a girl would approach me since I've never done that. A few times a girl would say I'm cute or something like that. Even when I was told things like that I would feel really nervous. 

Sometimes I'll think that the reason it's rarely happened is that I'm not that good looking but when you don't go anywhere except shopping it's probably rare to be approached by strangers. I would probably feel nervous if a stranger was to approach me anyway. 

I've never been to bars or clubs where somebody might approach although I wouldn't see that happening anyway. The only way I would know if somebody would be interested is to come out and say that.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I've definitely heard guys say they don't like when women do the approaching. At the same time, it usually comes from men I'd never actually consider dating.

That being said, hearing it enough times from guys, and also having women tell you that approaching a guy will make you seem desperate, discourages me from actually doing. I suppose some people view the idea of women approaching negatively because they imagine her doing it very aggressively (ie. "hey, boy, *insert pickup line coupled with a sexy lip lick*"). If I were more confident on myself not only looks-wise but also personality-wise, I'd definitely just start up conversations with guys that peaked my interest more often.


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## Umpalumpa (Jan 26, 2014)

You people make it sound like every second person is a sexual harassment creep and every second women is a ****, you got ****ty attitude and need to relax. The ****ing media has it's ****ing powers I guess.


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## ThisGirl15 (Mar 1, 2014)

I tend to initiate too.

I was originally going to ask my ex-boyfriend out when we first met each other but then my friend said not to because it will 'hurt a guys ego'. So instead of me just going up to ask I had to wait a couple of days to *get* asked out.

After that I think I'm just going to ask put a guy if I like him. I don't like sitting around waiting and wondering if a guy will ask me out or not.

A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


In my case it wouldn't hurt it at all. In fact it would probably inflate it massively 8)

There are a few guys for whom the opposite might be the case, but they're probably a minority....plus would you really want to date someone like that anyway?


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## Gwynevere (Oct 6, 2013)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


If you don't mind I'd like to add to that question: Would it hurt your egos or feel embarrassing to tell a story of how you met that involved the girl asking you out? Like to your bros at the bar, or whatever.


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## ThisGirl15 (Mar 1, 2014)

TicklemeRingo said:


> In my case it wouldn't hurt it at all. In fact it would probably inflate it massively 8)
> 
> There are a few guys for whom the opposite might be the case, but they're probably a minority....plus would you really want to date someone like that anyway?


No a guy who cares too much about his ego is insecure. I tend to not like 'dominate' guys because of that.


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## TicklemeRingo (Jan 11, 2013)

Gwynevere said:


> If you don't mind I'd like to add to that question: Would it hurt your egos or feel embarrassing to tell a story of how you met that involved the girl asking you out? Like to your bros at the bar, or whatever.


 Again, same answer from me. Then again, my male friends and I are not really the "bro" types.



ThisGirl15 said:


> No a guy who cares too much about his ego is insecure. I tend to not like 'dominate' guys because of that.


Exactly. It's actually a good way of finding out if he'll be the sort of guy you're not into.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


 No, even if I wasn't interested I would be flattered. I honestly never even considered the possibility of it hurting my ego. I don't understand why it would.



Gwynevere said:


> If you don't mind I'd like to add to that question: Would it hurt your egos or feel embarrassing to tell a story of how you met that involved the girl asking you out? Like to your bros at the bar, or whatever.


No. Like I said earlier in the thread, every relationship I've been in was initiated by the woman. I've been in three long-term relationships that led to being engaged and two other ones. While it was me who popped the engagement question all three times, in all five cases it was one of them that initially showed interest first. I don't see what the problem would be telling those stories, I've told them plenty of times and never thought to be embarrassed over it. I don't go to bars or hang out with "bro" types either. I'm sure I'm far from a typical guy, but I don't understand how this stuff is such a problem for some guys.


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## Rixy (Oct 4, 2009)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


Of course not. I'd find it flattering. For the second question, I'd like to think that my friends wouldn't care at all and I wouldn't be bothered saying that the girl approached me first.


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## edibleadam (Jan 4, 2014)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


If anything, it is an ego booster. Everyone wants to feel desired.


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## msh (Mar 19, 2012)

ThisGirl15 said:


> A question all guys: Would it really hurt your ego to get asked out by a girl or would you just be flattered?


In the moment mortified and in retrospect flattered.



Gwynevere said:


> If you don't mind I'd like to add to that question: Would it hurt your egos or feel embarrassing to tell a story of how you met that involved the girl asking you out? Like to your bros at the bar, or whatever.


Not at all. I guess masculinity has never really been part of my self image, so feeling emasculated is impossible for me.


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## Jesuszilla (May 26, 2013)

I would be flattered if a girl asked me out. Even if I didn't find her attractive I wouldn't be disgusted I'm just not attracted to her.

There is nothing embarrassing about telling guys a girl approached me first.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Tasdel said:


> I've only had women approach me. I definitely prefer it haha, I'm not the most confident guy.. I always try to be too nice I think.


You must be good looking.


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## HilarityEnsues (Oct 4, 2012)

This is why I love the internet. 

My shyness is getting better but getting to know someone in person before asking them out is time consuming, dating websites make the process so much less stressful and much easier.


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## Pearson99 (Feb 23, 2014)

gunner21 said:


> . They say that men don't like it when a woman makes the first move and it comes off as unattractive.


Actually, many guys don't like that at all because they think she's desperate if she makes the first move. I personally would love a woman to approach me because I'm terrible at picking up signs a woman is interested in me.



gunner21 said:


> EDIT: Please don't turn this into a gender war.


sure thing.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

JH1983 said:


> No, even if I wasn't interested I would be flattered. I honestly never even considered the possibility of it hurting my ego. I don't understand why it would.
> 
> No. Like I said earlier in the thread, every relationship I've been in was initiated by the woman. I've been in three long-term relationships that led to being engaged and two other ones. While it was me who popped the engagement question all three times, in all five cases it was one of them that initially showed interest first. I don't see what the problem would be telling those stories, I've told them plenty of times and never thought to be embarrassed over it. I don't go to bars or hang out with "bro" types either. I'm sure I'm far from a typical guy, but I don't understand how this stuff is such a problem for some guys.


I would be completely flattered


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## Malek (Oct 4, 2012)

I can't vouch for all men, yet I think shy men like myself most definitely love it when women approach them. I've only been approached a few times, and I was too frightened or concerned even then they were joking, or I didn't feel that possible connection, or it was just out of the question, it has to feel right.

My first girlfriend approached me and we've been chatting online or texts for months now. We finally got to meet each other March 5th, two days ago and we went on a simple date, dinner and a movie. She's such an angel, she accompanied me to my doctor's appointment, which essentially took all day, yet she didn't care. She makes me happy and I like being happy. I often feel insecure yet I'll try not to question what she sees in me, I'm frightened I might sabotage things if I act too negative. I'll try to be more positive and look towards a happier future, for the sake of the pursuit of happiness with her. 

It says a lot about a person if they're willing to take risks like that, it takes a lot a courage, courage in both genders is quite attractive, at least I think so...


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## euphoria04 (May 8, 2012)

Malek said:


> I can't vouch for all men, yet I think shy men like myself most definitely love it when women approach them. I've only been approached a few times, and I was too frightened or concerned even then they were joking, or I didn't feel that possible connection, or it was just out of the question, it has to feel right.
> 
> My first girlfriend approached me and we've been chatting online or texts for months now. We finally got to meet each other March 5, two days ago and we went on a simple date, dinner and a movie. She's such an angel she accompanied me to my doctor's appointment, which essentially took all day, yet she didn't care. She makes me happy and I like being happy, I often feel insecure yet I'll try not to question what she sees in me, I'm frightened I might sabotage things if I act too negative, I'll try to be more positive and look towards a happier future, for the sake of the pursuit of happiness with her.
> 
> It says a lot about a person if they're willing to take risks like that, it takes a lot a courage, courage in both genders is quite attractive, at least I think so...


Dang, congrats former member of the incel club 

Did this happen over SAS?


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

Malek said:


> I can't vouch for all men, yet I think shy men like myself most definitely love it when women approach them. I've only been approached a few times, and I was too frightened or concerned even then they were joking, or I didn't feel that possible connection, or it was just out of the question, it has to feel right.
> 
> My first girlfriend approached me and we've been chatting online or texts for months now. We finally got to meet each other March 5, two days ago and we went on a simple date, dinner and a movie. She's such an angel she accompanied me to my doctor's appointment, which essentially took all day, yet she didn't care. She makes me happy and I like being happy, I often feel insecure yet I'll try not to question what she sees in me, I'm frightened I might sabotage things if I act too negative, I'll try to be more positive and look towards a happier future, for the sake of the pursuit of happiness with her.
> 
> It says a lot about a person if they're willing to take risks like that, it takes a lot a courage, courage in both genders is quite attractive, at least I think so...


Wow man thats awesome..........I wish I could be that lucky one day


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## DarrellLicht (Mar 9, 2013)

Women have approached me. And there is reason to be suspicious. In my experience, that is usually the kind of person who takes things the hardest when things don't go their way. 

The more anticipation there is, the more things can go wrong and seemingly in the worst way.


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## Putin (May 21, 2013)

Men are the aggressors in the mating game. That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

I think the alphas and naturals would find that more unattactive. They like to do the approaching.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

Putin said:


> Men are the aggressors in the mating game. That's how it's always been, and that's how it always will be.


Uh huh. And women aren't as well as equipped as men when it comes to approaching and dealing with potential rejection. That's why men do the lion's share of approaching.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

moroff said:


> Women have approached me. And there is reason to be suspicious. In my experience, that is usually the kind of person who takes things the hardest when things don't go their way.
> 
> The more anticipation there is, the more things can go wrong and seemingly in the worst way.


I think the problem lies in our socialization. Women have the idea that men are constantly horny and on the lookout for sex and will take any opportunity for a potential sexual encounter when it comes along. So she thinks he will be pleasantly surprised when she approaches him and will take up her offer. So when he turns her down this causes a mental meltdown because her expectations were not met. This if often followed by a barrage of insults and attacks on the guy's masculinity. Any person that didn't see what happened and just happen to walk by and hear the commotion, they automatically think the guy was pushing himself onto her and she was defending herself.


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## Amphoteric (Sep 11, 2011)

M0rbid said:


> Well I was the lucky one. This girl who had a crush on me did approach me first. Still worried she will one day find out that I have SA which might eff up the relationship..


Don't you worry that big secrets like that might also **** up a relationship?


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

jimity said:


> I think the problem lies in our socialization. Women have the idea that men are constantly horny and on the lookout for sex and will take any opportunity for a potential sexual encounter when it comes along. So she thinks he will be pleasantly surprised when she approaches him and will take up her offer. So when he turns her down this causes a mental meltdown because her expectations were not met. This if often followed by a barrage of insults and attacks on the guy's masculinity. Any person that didn't see what happened and just happen to walk by and hear the commotion, they automatically think the guy was pushing himself onto her and she was defending herself.


I disagree with this.

Most women actually accept that most guys can control themselves. It's when you don't control yourself that girls worry. I had experience with this as a teenager.

If you act like a gentleman, you're seen as dating material, that is if you pass all the rest of the things that would attract her. What those things are, I have no clue. I guess they're different for every girl.


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## Bert Reynolds (Dec 18, 2013)

arnie said:


>


Lol, this is great. It explains it all.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

Bert Reynolds said:


> Lol, this is great. It explains it all.


I think she already did make the first move. She had her clothes off.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> I disagree with this.
> 
> Most women actually accept that most guys can control themselves. It's when you don't control yourself that girls worry. I had experience with this as a teenager.
> 
> If you act like a gentleman, you're seen as dating material, that is if you pass all the rest of the things that would attract her. What those things are, I have no clue. I guess they're different for every girl.


I'm not saying woman expect if they approach then the guy should want to take her back to his house for sex immediately (unless of course she was horny and wanted to **** and was trying to get him into bed straight away). She still expects him to act like a gentleman. But she still thinks that guys, being guys, would be willing to go for it if she initiates it. And if you reject a woman that makes an approach, whether it's for dating or just sex, chances are she'll turn nasty or have some kind of fit about it. Especially if she has low self esteem and is insecure.

It's the 3 c's that attract women. Confidence. Charm. Charisma.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

jimity said:


> I'm not saying woman expect if they approach then the guy should want to take her back to his house for sex immediately (unless of course she was horny and wanted to **** and was trying to get him into bed straight away). She still expects him to act like a gentleman. But she still thinks that guys, being guys, would be willing to go for it if she initiates it. And if you reject a woman that makes an approach, whether it's for dating or just sex, chances are she'll turn nasty or have some kind of fit about it. Especially if she has low self esteem and is insecure.
> 
> It's the 3 c's that attract women. Confidence. Charm. Charisma.


What about the geeky girls? Do they also subscribe to this?

Not everyone is into sex that much.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

I wish women would approach more than usual but i doubt it. Last time a beautiful girl approach me was ten years ago. Although ive had a few approaches online so..


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## Bert Reynolds (Dec 18, 2013)

jimity said:


> I think she already did make the first move. She had her clothes off.


She could of taken them off after he died. Just to make it seem like she did for the viewers when in actuality she didn't.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

Bert Reynolds said:


> She could of taken them off after he died. Just to make it seem like she did for the viewers when in actuality she didn't.


Maybe they both were naked and nobody had the courage to initiate. So they just sat there and he died.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

DeeperUnderstanding said:


> What about the geeky girls? Do they also subscribe to this?
> 
> Not everyone is into sex that much.


This is any sort of women who approaches a guy and cops a rejection whether it be a geek or otherwise. This was a generalisation. Not every women that makes an approach will have a fit when they are faced with unexpected romantic/sexual rejection. And not every woman will expect a guy to go out or have sex with her if she approaches but there is the thought that guys would be less likely to turn down a woman than women are to turn down guys.


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## sarafinanickelbocker (May 16, 2010)

Hey, me too.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

On first dates a few times I was the one who initiated kissing.


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## low (Sep 27, 2009)

*So, why does this myth still exist?

*Because women have the dominant rhetoric (and power in general) in dating. And *women as a group tend to excuse all negative female behaviour* and/or shift blame onto men, or align under hypoagency or victimhood.

So basically they're turning a valid criticism (the vast majority of women not approaching men as much as you would expect in the modern age - given 'equality' and 'strong independent woman' and 'we don't care about your money') into a male flaw...'oh, well they don't like it'/'well, it aggrieves them somehow'.

Edit: Not specifically about this topic but it's relevant. Explains a bit about it:


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