# Any Adult Children of Alcoholics?



## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

I am 36 and just figured out most of my anxiety and social anxiety comes from growing up in a dysfunctional household. I was the only child and my father was an alcoholic. Can anyone else identify??


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

Yeah, I can identify. I think my dad drank to deal with his own anxiety and OCD, which was passed down to me.

*drinks


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## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

Double Indemnity:1059736940 said:


> Yeah, I can identify. I think my dad drank to deal with his own anxiety and OCD, which was passed down to me.
> 
> *drinks


Cheers!

Out of curiosity, have you ever been to an ACOA meeting?


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

billyho said:


> Cheers!
> 
> Out of curiosity, have you ever been to an ACOA meeting?


No, I haven't. Have you?


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## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

Double Indemnity said:


> No, I haven't. Have you?


Yes, I have been to a couple recently. They are modeled after AA and their twelve steps with the difference being YOU don't have to be an alcoholic. It can be a little hokey.. but to be honest, for the first time I can identify with everyone's stories in the room.

How do you deal with being an ACOA?


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## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

I am. In my country we do not have the ACOA program but we do have AA meetings and Al-Anon ,which i attended. 
Due to my father's alcoholism, i am not very tolerant towards booze or people drinking (in my experience, it never ends good). This has something to do with my APD -avoidant personality disorder - and my lack of social skills. My anxiety rises up when i start seeing people getting drunk, i get all aprehensive and start thinking that something wrong might happen. Not to mention the irrational fear i have that if i start drinking or getting drunk i might end up like dad. I hate this, don't know how you guys deal with it.


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## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

max87 said:


> I am. In my country we do not have the ACOA program but we do have AA meetings and Al-Anon ,which i attended.
> Due to my father's alcoholism, i am not very tolerant towards booze or people drinking (in my experience, it never ends good). This has something to do with my APD -avoidant personality disorder - and my lack of social skills. My anxiety rises up when i start seeing people getting drunk, i get all aprehensive and start thinking that something wrong might happen. Not to mention the irrational fear i have that if i start drinking or getting drunk i might end up like dad. I hate this, don't know how you guys deal with it.


How was Al-Anon? I haven't been to one of those meetings. Are they step oriented? I have the fear too of ending up like my dad too and can already see some similarities which is quite scary. I am not dealing with it all that well in reality.


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## pjb77 (Sep 28, 2010)

My father was an alcoholic. I used to blame him alone. I know your chance of becoming agoraphobic is increased with an alcoholic parent and that would explain me. I have not experienced much in my life. My father has been gone 11 years now. I realized my mother was a huge part of the problem too. The always worrying and constantly repeating, don't go far, don't stay long, don't go there, etc etc etc. I never went to any meetings for anything like that. I don't drink really. Never ever tried a drug either.


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## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

billyho said:


> How was Al-Anon? I haven't been to one of those meetings. Are they step oriented? I have the fear too of ending up like my dad too and can already see some similarities which is quite scary. I am not dealing with it all that well in reality.


It is indeed step oriented. It does help, believe me.


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## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

pjb77 said:


> My father was an alcoholic. I used to blame him alone. I know your chance of becoming agoraphobic is increased with an alcoholic parent and that would explain me. I have not experienced much in my life. My father has been gone 11 years now. I realized my mother was a huge part of the problem too. The always worrying and constantly repeating, don't go far, don't stay long, don't go there, etc etc etc. I never went to any meetings for anything like that. I don't drink really. Never ever tried a drug either.


Same here. Your story is the story of my life. 
Except i never blamed my dad alone. I always felt that it was beyond him or us.


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## blinds8 (Feb 3, 2011)

yep I'm one and might I add it's great to see others on this site who do have problems related to alcohol and such


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

Im a child of an alcoholic

But I dont like the 12 step program, and I'm not interested in going to those meetings.

I have no trouble with people drinking, and I also belive the drinking wasnt the MAIN problem. I mean, yeah, it was hell, but My dad did not do/not do things becuase he was drunk. 
He got drunk and then did/did not do (or say!)
things. 
Neglect is the monster. Alcohol is just another tool that was used.


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## RawrJessiRawr (Nov 3, 2010)

pjb77:1059740078 said:


> My father was an alcoholic. I used to blame him alone. I know your chance of becoming agoraphobic is increased with an alcoholic parent and that would explain me. I have not experienced much in my life. My father has been gone 11 years now. I realized my mother was a huge part of the problem too. The always worrying and constantly repeating, don't go far, don't stay long, don't go there, etc etc etc. I never went to any meetings for anything like that. I don't drink really. Never ever tried a drug either.


Same here... My mom was over protected and my father was an alcoholic, he's been gone for only five years though. It runs in on his side of the family, I only dislike him because he cheated as well. I don't drink much either, only sometimes which isn't alot. I get really uncomfortable around drunk people because of him... I get anxiety and hate it though for other reasons.


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## michaelgroves (Aug 2, 2011)

My stepfather was an acoholic. He put me down so many times my anxiety just went from bad to worse.


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## Double Indemnity (Aug 15, 2011)

billyho said:


> How do you deal with being an ACOA?


I don't know. I guess I don't deal with it very well. I get outbursts of anger every once in awhile and ignore it the rest of the time. My dad has really been there for me lately so I take the good with the bad.


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## MsDaisy (Dec 27, 2011)

Both my parents are alcoholics. They were a perfect example as to what not to do, so all my life Ive avoided drinking.


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## sleepytime (Feb 18, 2011)

Here too, my family are completely dysfunctional, and the root of all of that is my alcoholic father. Although he was never violent, he was always absent (in the pub) and never did any parenting. When he was at home he was usually arguing with my mother over his drinking, there were sometimes periods of weeks where himself and my mother would completely ignore eachother. It was always either arguing or complete silence. I don_'_t ever remember a time they acted like 2 people who even remotely liked eachother, it_'_s a puzzle to me how the got together in the 1st place.


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## caflme (Jun 7, 2009)

Yes


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## Princess143 (Jan 30, 2012)

Yes my dear dad was an alchoholic, it is part of the reason why he died 5 months ago, but even still with all that I went through there were good things, and I miss him so much, it was the hardest thing on the earth to know the day he would die and that he was going to come off the respirator, he was still conscious before the morphine with a few tears trickling from his eyes, I told him it would be ok, and at this moment I forgive any issue that he had and I would give anything for five more minutes of him alive again, I don't know how I will get through this....


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## Rossy (Jan 15, 2011)

No but my mothers family drank alot,all of them are dead now.


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## Nekomata (Feb 3, 2012)

Yeah, my dad's one. My mum used to drink a lot more, but now she's cut down on it. It's probably the reason why I'm one now too *shrugs* though he wasn't the main reason why I started... Apparently according to my mother he always ruins things when he comes back home and when we go on holiday because he's usually drinking. Ah well..


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

Pretty much yeah. My dad had what you might call an alcoholic personality. Even when not drinking he was still loud and aggressive. I ended up getting confused many times whether he was drunk or not. He was incredibly unstable. I forgave him many times for betraying me. He promised many times things would never happen again. If only I knew better.

As an adult I barely speak to my dad. He simply doesn't get that I don't want to talk to him. Sorry, but I gave up on him long ago and at this point nothing he says or does will bring me back. Sorry to say but after being hurt so many times, eventually you just quit trying. Once you push me out of your life I don't come back, no matter how much you beg or plead.


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## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

pjb77 said:


> My father was an alcoholic. I used to blame him alone. I know your chance of becoming agoraphobic is increased with an alcoholic parent and that would explain me. I have not experienced much in my life. My father has been gone 11 years now. I realized my mother was a huge part of the problem too. The always worrying and constantly repeating, don't go far, don't stay long, don't go there, etc etc etc. I never went to any meetings for anything like that. I don't drink really. Never ever tried a drug either.


I see we are close to the same age, me being 36. My father is still here and did eventually quit drinking in my teens but have you ever heard the saying, 'the only thing worse than an angry drunk is an angry sober'? what ever issues he was covering up for were still there on the forefront when he stopped. i will give him credit for quitting cold turkey, but that's about it. My therapist asked how I would feel if my dad were sick in the hospital and i couldn't answer, was just kinda numb.
My mother was also to blame because she protected him, she stuck by him no matter what he said or did. she would have the nerve to ask me 'why do you hate him so much'? umm, WTF! 
The two of them were always worried and now I am always worried, go figure and i'm missing out on life.. blah

just an fyi, YOU don't need to drink to go to the ACOA or AL-Alon meetings, they are for peeps who've been screwed up by that type of a home environment.


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## billyho (Apr 12, 2010)

mzmz said:


> Im a child of an alcoholic
> 
> But I dont like the 12 step program, and I'm not interested in going to those meetings.
> 
> ...


Have you tried any other programs, or know of any that aren't steb based? the steps feel a little weird, i am more going for the people and to be around 'my peeps' as someone from my last meeting stated.. :clap


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## nemesis1 (Dec 21, 2009)

My dad went out drinking 7 nights a week while i was growing up instead of doing stuff with me and left my entire upbringing up to my mother, which i feel has had a major effect on me.

I dont think he is an alcoholic though, as he doesnt drink during the day or drink at home.


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## max87 (Aug 7, 2010)

MsDaisy said:


> Both my parents are alcoholics. They were a perfect example as to what not to do, so all my life Ive avoided drinking.


This. 
Even though only my dad is alcoholic, he is the perfect example as to what not to do.


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## KelsKels (Oct 4, 2011)

*raises hand*

It wasnt too bad though. (and Im NOT looking for attention or whatever) But my mom use to drink A LOT for about 2 years when I was a kid and my dad would work from 5 am til midnight, so I pretty much didnt have a real great family life. Although its definitely not nearly as bad as what others have gone through. My mom was never violent or abusive. She just became depressed/suicidal.


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## Scrumpilump2000 (Jan 24, 2011)

I can identify. Dad was an alcoholic, it was just part of the culture. It's what men did. He had social anxiety as well, which he self-medicated with beer and cigarettes (he died of lung cancer in October of 2009).
Mom's dad was a serious alcoholic maniac. Dad was more mellow. He kind of turned to mush, although he could be verbally mean. Mom and dad fought over this. More like dad came home drunk and mom screamed at him. There was no awareness of how things may have gotten this way. It just went on without any attempt to understand.
I hate them, and all my stupid relatives who came before them, for contributing to this hornet's nest of neurosis out of which I am trying to escape.
Try putting that on Facebook!


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## lissa530 (Oct 29, 2009)

Yes my mom is an alcoholic. Also her new BF that's living with us is .


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

I fit into this category.

There is a pretty good book that is 20 years old by Wayne Kritsberg. Its really cheap. It helped me understand what the ramifications of growing up with around parents who abuse alcohol and drugs. Even if your grandparents were the alcoholics, many of those dysfunctional behaviors are passed down through your parents.
*
*


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## Eraserhead (Sep 23, 2006)

My stepfather was an alcoholic. He was a scary, abusive man. He also hated me. Now he's dead. Good riddance.


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## pjb77 (Sep 28, 2010)

VanDamMan said:


> I fit into this category.
> 
> There is a pretty good book that is 20 years old by Wayne Kritsberg. Its really cheap. It helped me understand what the ramifications of growing up with around parents who abuse alcohol and drugs. Even if your grandparents were the alcoholics, many of those dysfunctional behaviors are passed down through your parents.


I will be buying this book. Thanks


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

I don't think my parents were alcoholics but they did drink everyday after work to unwind for the first few years after we moved to Los Angeles (I was 9). I don't remember much at all before age 9, so some of my first clear memories are of their drunken arguments. 

This was a stressful period in our lives because my dad had just finished university and couldn't find the sort of work he had originally planned, so we ended up moving to LA when he found work as a high school teacher (a job that really didn't suit his personality). This was also the first time that my mom worked in 9 years. The student loan companies were after them and we were barely making it cause the rent was so high in LA. They only had one car, so my dad would first have to drop off my little sister at her pre-school, then take my mom to her job, and finally go to his job. Finally when things started to get better for them financially, my mom got leukemia.

I heard that my mom's dad was an out and out alcoholic. He functioned and went to work but was a miserable, verbally abusive parent. He died when my mom was pregnant with me. I was the first grandchild. Actually with the money that he left for me (stocks?) I got to Japan. So I can thank him for that.


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

VanDamMan said:


> I fit into this category.
> 
> There is a pretty good book that is 20 years old by Wayne Kritsberg. Its really cheap. It helped me understand what the ramifications of growing up with around parents who abuse alcohol and drugs. Even if your grandparents were the alcoholics, many of those dysfunctional behaviors are passed down through your parents.
> *
> *


So I understand. I know my dad's dad was a heavy drinker who didn't take my father anywhere his entire childhood. My mum's father was a drinker too, and I've heard stories of how she used to hide behind closet doors when he came home in a drunken state - when she was a young girl. My Dad's sister was a blackout drinker and my dad used to go find her from time to time when she didn't make it home. My dad ended up being passed around from relative to relative and wasn't given a dime in his life. He was very critical and we always took the brunt of it. Just verbal, but the damage to confidence lasted many long years.

My dad's father left when my father was very young. My father bumped into his dad on the streets of xxxx, when my dad was about 22. The elder gent asked my dad if he wanted to go for a drink. I guess my dad told him where to put his drink.

It's a tough life some times. My parents don't technically drink, but many people who they were connected too were problem drinkers. It took me years to gain enough confidence to believe I could bring some value to any one or any company.

I cut drink out many years ago. I know it's hard to live life without warping reality with drink or a spliff, but I've been willing to stick to that regiment, as I find it much healthier.

Seeker


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## avoidobot3000 (Aug 22, 2010)

My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic. I don't blame him for my problems but it would have been nice to have some better support--instead he is in denial about everything. I don't wish he was dead or anything extreme like that, but I have cut myself off from him. After living with him for a couple of years as an adult, I was in the worst mental condition I've ever been. After I moved out he sent me some abusive messages and I decided I couldn't be bothered any more.


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

avoidobot3000 said:


> My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic. I don't blame him for my problems but it would have been nice to have some better support--instead he is in denial about everything. I don't wish he was dead or anything extreme like that, but I have cut myself off from him. After living with him for a couple of years as an adult, I was in the worst mental condition I've ever been. After I moved out he sent me some abusive messages and I decided I couldn't be bothered any more.


It's interesting though, to witness or experience someone, like your own father, and I've felt this myself, and recognize that your own father simply does not have the capacity for personal growth.

Criticism, anger, control. How to let the anger go. I've struggled understanding my own anger from time to time, and it's amazing what progress can be made, and how some simple questions posed to yourself, by yourself, can result in all the anger dissipating, like smoke on a windy day.

It's a good feeling - the personal growth thing. My elder sister has been highly impacted by my father's criticism. Somehow I mostly blow it off these days.

Seeker


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## VagueResemblance (Apr 17, 2010)

VanDamMan said:


> There is a pretty good book *...*


Thanks for the link; I'll take a look.

Anyway, here's another one for the list. My mother discovered gin when I was thirteen and life hasn't quite been the same since.


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## Estival (Jun 13, 2011)

I was always inherently shy, but I was too ignorant to realize what was going on with the alcoholism until I was 13. And I definitely think that dealing with that influences anxiety in a major way. I worked hard to get myself out of that situation and, while I may never fully repair the scars, I can still work on improving myself and my anxiety.


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## skilwit (Mar 13, 2012)

*been there..*

I had an alcoholic Father and absent Mother. I hated them for years and blamed them for all my problem..if I didn't constantly forgive them, I would constantly be blaming them..
Now that I am a parent - I can no longer blame my parents for the way they were.. They were sad and depressed and it had nothing to do with me as a child.. How can I blame them for what I myself have battled? I am constantly tempted to use substances to control my thoughts - but I stop myself and remind myself of what my parents did and how it didn't work out for them...

The only way to get better is to forgive..


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## HopefulSeeker (Mar 1, 2012)

skilwit said:


> I had an alcoholic Father and absent Mother. I hated them for years and blamed them for all my problem..if I didn't constantly forgive them, I would constantly be blaming them..
> Now that I am a parent - I can no longer blame my parents for the way they were.. They were sad and depressed and it had nothing to do with me as a child.. How can I blame them for what I myself have battled? I am constantly tempted to use substances to control my thoughts - but I stop myself and remind myself of what my parents did and how it didn't work out for them...
> 
> The only way to get better is to forgive..


Agreed, the only way to move forward is to forgive, and work on yourself. Hanging on to the past doesn't allow you to fully appreciate the present.

Seeker


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## there.is.no.they (Jun 5, 2008)

I can relate with most of the posts on here. Yeah, I think I got my anxiety too from witnessing at a young age the countless violent outbursts my dad had. As for my younger sibling, he believes he has a hard time controlling his anger because of that. It has never escalated or caused him to get violent though. As an adult, I've learned to not fear (or hide my fear I guess) whenever I see someone who's drunk go berserk. 

My dad wasn't the kind who hits, but it was still a pretty traumatic childhood. He got into quarrels as a result of his alcoholism, humiliating stuff which didn't help with my self-esteem at all. My mom has extreme patience to be able to go through all that. I'm surprised she is still sane/wasn't traumatized after all those humiliating things my dad's drinking has brought our family.

It was just a couple of years ago, when I was working on self-healing that I learned to forgive him. I have a better relationship with him now (I used to hate him). I'd say I'm even closer to him than my mom. I've come to understand that he drank to self-medicate. He's 53 now, and I'm glad he's learned and drinks less, worries about his health now. My brother and I are guessing what all those years of drinking could've done to his liver. I guess the positive it's caused was I've developed aversion to alcohol that I never tried it (or drugs). It wasn't after I graduated from college I think that I became confident enough to try drinking for socializing only. 

I don't know if we have those meetings where I'm from, all I've heard of was AA. I'd be interested to attend if we do.

Btw, sorry if my post is long-winded. English isn't my first language.


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## stormtrooper (Jul 18, 2013)

My father is a pretty heavy drinker and my mother bless her heart is just trying to cope. My father in his alcohol induced rants tends to pick on me, so I usually just hide in my room or try to stay out to avoid him. We tried to confront him and he refuses to acknowledge his problem, he quits for a bit then starts up again. My aunt (his sister) told him that he needs to stop (because of his health problems and the fact that no one likes it) and he stopped for a bit. I don't want to bring any friends over because I know he gets drunk and will probably say something terrible. He had some jaw dropping stuff and flat out embarrassing things. I don't say much to him when he is drunk because he just takes anything and makes it into a horrible problem. My siblings just try to crack jokes about me and I get the worst of it, so I just leave the room. They don't realize it because they never get picked on during his rants. When I do tell them that they should leave him alone as they are going to make it worse, they ignore me and do it again. I usually give them a look or send them a text from the next room to tell them to cut it out. Any advice to better deal with the situation?


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## Slytherclaw (Jul 16, 2011)

I think my dad had a bit of a problem with alcoholism in my teen years. But his absolute biggest problem is drug addiction.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Yeah. 

The very short version: 

*my father(almost died->quit->started again recently->"quit" again)
*my stepfather(dead as a result of drinking)
*my mother(started drinking after my stepfather's death->is now sober for the most part)

Basically I've had alcoholism around me almost for as long as I can remember.


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## SA go0n (Mar 5, 2014)

Yes. Stepfather was loud and abusive. Father was closeted and high-functioning. Mother is also a pill-popper.


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## Marko3 (Mar 18, 2014)

probably offline said:


> Yeah.
> 
> The very short version:
> 
> ...


yeah.. it sucks.. alcohol fooked up half of the world already... =(


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## dogapus (Feb 6, 2014)

Yes a father figure, and I have blocked out 10 years of home life because of it. That's what drives my fear of being out at night/bars.



stormtrooper said:


> Any advice to better deal with the situation?


Sitting down to talk directly about it from the heart and how it's making you feel is the only way I could think to address that. Or writing a letter.


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## JA13 (Oct 30, 2014)

Both of my biological parents are alcoholics. My mother also has a severe prescription drug problem that she refuses to acknowledge. I've had to cut ties with both of them for my own mental health.


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