# My family hates me. They hate my fiancee too.



## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Sigh....we have been here before. Some of you may have seen my previous threads...Long story short:

My Dad legally transferred his old, beat up, rusty, 17y/o vehicle to me 8months alone. Since then it has been a nightmare at the garage often... and a dent to my wallet.

I have mentioned many times that I need to sell it. Even had discussion with my older brothers and father about it. They all agreed that in time I will need to sell it...but always say...not yet.

Last month the vehicle broke down *again*
So I sold it. The End.

Now they are all on my back with claims like
1) your dad gave you a gift and you threw it away for pennies
2) you made this decision behind our back
3) I demand a share from the sale because I bought the vehicle for Dad.
4) you are only listening to your fiancee advice and ignoring us
5) you are betraying your family for a woman
6) you take everyone's advice except ours.
7) you are distancing yourself from your family all for a woman
8) IF you don't give me a share from the sale...my wife and I will hate you, and you will make my wife argue with me, because I had bought the vehicle for Dad

-----
My responses
1) I do appreciate the gift, I used it as long as I can, and now I am using it to get a new vehicle.

2) I have discussed this numerous times with them; they just never agreed that I should sell it.

3) If you bought the vehicle for Dad as a gift...now it has depreciated significantly...why are you demanding money back on a gift from family ? Especially from your younger brother who is now trying to build up his life.

4) I have sought expert advice from *various* mechanics ...you just refuse to listen because the mechanics say the vehicle isn't worth much and you want a butt load of money for it.

5) How am I betraying the family for a woman ? *I need a new vehicle because I have a travelling job*...this has nothing to do with my fiancee.

6) Im not taking everyone's advice except yours... Im taking expert advice instead of biased family opinion

7) Again...how is taking a decision in my best interest the equivalent of distancing myself from the family. I havent stopped visiting. I don't know the nitty gritty of their daily finances...they dont need to know mine.

8 ) If your wife could understand that you needed money to buy your dad a vehicle originally as a gift...then your wife shouldn't have a say on what I do with the *gift* I was given now.

The vehicle has depreciated significantly....I need every cent of that money...plus some...so I can replace it with a decent vehicle. I haven't even replaced it yet and you are *demanding* that I pay you back on a "gift".

These are the same brothers that if I were to spend all my money now repairing the old vehicle, and say that I'm broke next month...will turn back and tell me I mismanaging my money WTF ???


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## nekomaru (Aug 3, 2014)

Can't you show them the bills from all the repairs to substantiate your point?
And why do they think your fiance manipulated you into selling the car? Maybe there's underlying issues and they're just using this as an excuse to attack her? (lol sorry for the questions).

I think if your brother wants to lay claim on the money, he should talk to your dad since he gifted it to you.


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## leaf in the wind (Mar 28, 2017)

What a dreadful, entitled family you have. Clearly, the car was not a "gift". Don't even bother responding to them - Go no contact and continue with your life among better people.


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## CaptainBoz (Jan 20, 2018)

I had a similar thing happen. My brother gave his old car to his ex-girlfriend despite it being in our mother's name. Mom was still carrying the insurance and title and yet the car was gone. It was 100 miles away. Finally mom gave him an ultimatum to get the car back or else. 

Somehow, he does retrieve the car and leaves it at our parent's house and now its not running. He is sore about the whole thing and claims he had "sold" it. (He never had title and never transferred it...he just let this woman he had sex with have it I guess.) Mom now is tired of having a non-running car at her house. I offer to look at it. I find it has a bad fuel pump, so I get a new fuel pump and install it. I drain the old gas from the tank, and then drive it home. I put a new set of brakes on the car, clean it really well and get mom to give me the title and I sell it for $1800.

Then my brother wants the $1800! Because it was a car he drove! Don't even mention that in the mean time, he backed into my truck and caused $2000 in damage because he was sneaking out of the house to have sex with some other woman. He said it was my fault for parking behind him. Mom even said that if I gave him the $1800, she would give me a check for the same amount to make him shut up.

The lesson is that people get wrapped up in their own delusions. Facts make no difference to them. The funny thing is that my brother went on to go to law school so maybe he figured out in the end that he never really owned the car, and he abandoned driving the car, and mom was well within her rights to have me fix the car and sell it and keep the money.

Don't ever do business with family. It never works out.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

@nekomaru...I have shown them the bills, all they keep saying is...that's just part of having a vehicle. Or...even when they recognize its expensive they say things like...visit your fiancee less often. Leave your apartment and come back to the family house ...like that is the reason why the vehicle breaking down.
-------------------------- 
@leaf in the wind ....dreadful and entitled indeed. Not once when I have had the old vehicle in the garage did any of them offer to borrow my theirs. One of my brothers flat out said no many times because "the car is for his wife" ...yet in the same breath when I do things for my fiancee its selfish betrayal. .

...yea that's right. When my vehicle is at the mechanic's and he refuses to borrow me his car because its designated for his wife..its not family betrayal.....but when I decide to get a new vehicle for myself its family betrayal for a woman???

So its alright for them to prioritize their wives but not for me to prioritize my fiancee ?? So what ? ...my fiancee's needs doesn't matter until we're married ? Is that it? Until she is officially my wife, she's just a thing to be cast aside ? Are they suddenly going to start treating her like family only after she becomes Mrs Vincymon ??

So many times my fiancee has come to my parents' house and nursed them. Even nursed my own brother ...yet this is how they think of her ? Just some woman ? Really ??

@CaptainBoz never do business with family. IKR. That's why I didn't involve them in the sale, and I am not going to involve them in the purchase of the new vehicle either...because no doubt they will demand a big cut from me for "helping me out"


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

VIncymon said:


> Sigh....we have been here before. Some of you may have seen my previous threads...Long story short:
> 
> My Dad legally transferred his old, beat up, rusty, 17y/o vehicle to me 8months alone. Since then it has been a nightmare at the garage often... and a dent to my wallet.
> 
> ...


I mean this is a pretty simple situation.

Just say, "I guess you finally showed your true colors. Bye." and drop all contact with them. They're not worth having in your life. Just tell each one of them that same response. If they don't get it well too f'ing bad they're bad people and if they can't understand something as simple as property ownership then it's not worth your time to try to teach them.

Props to your fiancee though, you should definitely keep 'em around.

EDIT: I guess I should elaborate more I realized I'm taking some points for granted. You may think I'm being extreme. If anything I'm being pretty lenient. Consider this: they gift you $3000. When you attempt to use the $3000 multiple people argue that you should have to give them some of it because they contributed to that amount they gave you. This is a lurdicrous proposition. Replace "$3000" with a "car worth $3000" and you see what I mean. The only thing that has changed is the form the money is in. If you give something away it's no longer your property. You could sell it to a junkyard for $20 for all you want, it's your property, _and they're not allowed to be upset about that_.

What's more is that they seek to use this ridiculous stance to create a wedge between you and your fiancee. They're trying to sabotage your successful relationship and future happiness for a couple hundred dollars. That's how much you're worth to them, about three digits worth of dollar signs. I'm pretty disgusted.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

I thinks its because they've never done this before its still surprising to me.
Then again, as the youngest Ive never been in a position to have a lot of money until now.

But the thing is....its not like its money for a vacation, its money allocated for a very specific purpose.


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

I guess what I'd say is this. Unfortunately, one thing in life that we're kind of stuck with no matter what is our family. We get the family we get and it's generally impossible to change people.

You could handle this any way you want but you should remember that if you alienate your family (more than they already are) you might really regret it someday. Everything can change in an instant in life and you can never predict when you're going to need someone. So is it worth making your relationship with them worse?


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

There needs to be a discussion.....plain and simple. I don't understand the money part as ownership changed. There is a legal precedence on that stuff. 


If you get enough money, you could buy your dad a new car and shut them all up.


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## AV1988 (Feb 19, 2020)

VIncymon said:


> Sigh....we have been here before. Some of you may have seen my previous threads...Long story short:
> 
> My Dad legally transferred his old, beat up, rusty, 17y/o vehicle to me 8months alone. Since then it has been a nightmare at the garage often... and a dent to my wallet.
> 
> ...


Your family is nuts, buddy. You did nothing wrong. If I were in your shoes, I'd distance myself. You don't want that to hurt you and your fiance's relationship. I would offer different advice if you were in the wrong, but you're not. I would have done the same thing.

Your family is overreating over a stupid 17 year old car. They need to sack up and get over it. Or just don't hangout with them for a while until they cool off. Don't worry about it. They are CLEARLY in the wrong. Don't let it affect you. Let them cool off


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

millenniumman75 said:


> There needs to be a discussion.....plain and simple. I don't understand the money part as ownership changed. There is a legal precedence on that stuff.
> 
> If you get enough money, you could buy your dad a new car and shut them all up.


I dont owe my dad a vehicle. He bought himself a new vehicle because he got fed up with repairing the old one. They all knew the vehicle was a jelopy b4 I got it.

Yet they act surprised that I sold it ?!


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

They are so selfish this is what they suggested:
If the vehicle was costing so much to repair then why didnt you just park it, and we (meaning THEY) could use it as an auxillary vehicle.

Like I was born yesterday. Why would I give them my vehicle to use like a construction truck , whilst I stay walking for months, with no money to buy a new vehicle and none of them are willing to lend me their vehicle???

I must be an idiot to agree to such a disadvantageous proposal.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

VIncymon said:


> I dont owe my dad a vehicle. He bought himself a new vehicle because he got fed up with repairing the old one. They all knew the vehicle was a jelopy b4 I got it.
> 
> Yet they act surprised that I sold it ?!


Then you're good.

You will get yourself one and then give them a present at Christmas or something.

"Here's your share of the car......you adopted sibling!"


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

millenniumman75 said:


> VIncymon said:
> 
> 
> > I dont owe my dad a vehicle. He bought himself a new vehicle because he got fed up with repairing the old one. They all knew the vehicle was a jelopy b4 I got it.
> ...


Well....Im not sure if this counts as a triumpth over SA...but I did it. I took the money from the sale and bought a new vehicle.....I managed to do both transactions in under a week.

(Due to months of preparation, and support from my fiancee ....despite the fact that my brothers will insist I am an impulsive naive child still in need of their guidance)

....I dont expect any congratulations from them...I Vincymon despite my poor social skills was able to sell a vehicle and buy replacement all in the space of one week. But I'm sure that whenever they see the new car...they will just criticize it and tell me it was a bad business decision.

I had a chat with my dad. We agreed to disagree and moved on from the topic....but my brothers.....are still bitter and sending me hateful messages everyday.

I dont even know how to respond any more.....every attempt I have made to explain why doing this on my own was important to me has been met with contempt,

I want to reconcile with them...but I find it difficult to start the conversation when every morning I see a new message accusing me of abandoning my family:

OLDER BROTHER TODAY "Is so Vincymon chose to disown his family like (>insert family member who left home and never returned<) and make problems with his own brothers...Just continue like that. It will get you far in life...So long >insert other brother's name< has been asking you for the sale price, and you choose to cut us out of everything *because you think we pressuring you*. Good luck with your life with your fiancee."

-------
WTF ? How am I supposed to respond to that ?

I haven't run away from my family. THEY are actively pushing me away with their insults.

I have NEVER once demanded that my brothers explain to me their salary, how they fund their hobbies, how they bought their vehicles, how much each costs...NEVER ONCE. I have never once demanded that my brothers give me money.

----
Yet they hold onto this belief that they can demand, bully and insult me into divulging all of my personal finances to them* DEMANDING, not asking but DEMANDING THAT I GIVE THEM FROM MY MONEY* ...and ...now that I've grown a backbone and stopped allowing it...they call it betrayal.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

VIncymon said:


> Well....Im not sure if this counts as a triumpth over SA...but I did it. I took the money from the sale and bought a new vehicle.....I managed to do both transactions in under a week.
> 
> (Due to months of preparation....despite the fact thay my brothers will insist I am an impulsive naive child still in need of their guidance....I dont expect any congratulations from them, seeing as how hard it was for me to do this on my despite having SA and poor social skills)
> 
> ...


They are probably envious.


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

If it was me I'd just hang up the phone if they started being nasty and not answer for the rest of that day. Hateful messages I'd ignore or just respond with "okay" or a thumbs up emoji over and over until they cut it out. I don't have much tolerance for drama and negativity anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Now my dad says "I" have to end the argument. Because its hurting his heart to see us apart.

Nevermind how much they insulted my intelligence, insulted my fiancee and invaded my privacy.....all of that is acceptable because they are older and wiser....but I am young and dumb so I must appologize first.

This isnt the first time Ive been there....my Dad always makes excuses for the insulting things my older brothers tell me...and I always have to end the argument because they NEVER apologize to me.


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

VIncymon said:


> Now my dad says "I" have to end the argument. Because its hurting his heart to see us apart.
> 
> Nevermind how much they insulted my intelligence, insulted my fiancee and invaded my privacy.....all of that is acceptable because they are older and wiser....but I am young and dumb so I must appologize first.
> 
> This isnt the first time Ive been there....my Dad always makes excuses for the insulting things my older brothers tell me...and I always have to end the argument because they NEVER apologize to me.


 I don't understand why you didn't take my advice.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Seems like you did the right thing man, if your family is still attacking them love them from afar. God sees your heart.


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Unless you didn't have another car, I probably would've just leave it and not drive it and let is rust. It just sounds like they're using the old car as an outlet to vent about their dislike of your fiance, which to me seems over the top and unrelated.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

My family hates on me because I have made some choices different from my older siblings
1) i moved out of the house before getting married (they are VERY traditional like that)
2) I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. (Again very traditional , they believe moving to "her" place is bad)
3) now the latest issue with the vehicle.

No matter how many times Ive told them "i like doing things for myself" they hold steadfastly to the belief that every decision I take must be with them and that everytime I do something different its "negative influence from my fiancee"


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

VIncymon said:


> 2) I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend. (Again very traditional , they believe moving to "her" place is bad)


So they're sexist as well.

Live your life. Be happy. Don't let these negative nancies bring you down. If you don't want to talk to them you don't have to.


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## RSxo (Apr 19, 2018)

Pretty concerned if your family is all having a go at you over a present. Their demands are quite outrageous as well - there's no contract about any sell-on clause (as if it were a football player), so they have no claim on that. And accusing you of betraying your family and choosing your fiancee doesn't really match up with selling a car. It sounds like they're making accusations for the sake of it out of anger, without any substance. I'd keep some distance, atleast for a while. Hopefully things calm down, but if they don't it's not your fault to be honest!x


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

Riddle me this. A young man. Professional. Approaching 30 y/o

Here is the equation

(1) Parent and family's belief : don't leave the house until you are married.

(2) Any woman : the basic, *bare minimum* things I'd like in a man is that he is confident and self reliant.

Hence...if you are a young man like me "don't move out until you are married" becomes a *self-defeating, paradoxical, contradictory, nonsensical, impractical, idiotic, emasculating, self defeating, oxymoronic idea* !

I mean seriously all you have to do is type "men who live with their mom" in a google search and you will see all the negative stereotypes attached to that. It's very stereotypical..even sexist at times...but they're not lying.

Honestly, trying to push my relationship forward whilst staying home with controlling parents felt like tying a stone to my foot and trying to climb a ladder. Once I move out I felt free.

Staying at my parents' home would have ended the relationship, in the first place..I wouldn't even have a fiancee. What's the point of staying at home to "save up for marriage" ...if staying at home strains the relationship and prevents you from getting married in the first place ?


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## Persephone The Dread (Aug 28, 2010)

@VIncymon

During times of economic decline, or depending on your personal circumstances it's more practical to stay and save money. If you don't have to and you have enough money to support yourself then sure move out but that's where the idea comes from.

For most cultures throughout history moving out later was more common, but those cultures were less individualised too so essentially finding a partner for someone would be an entirely family affair. Marriage itself is nonsensical under hyper individualisation because as an institution it was built around unifying families. Now it's become some weird legal thing, where everyone divorces often multiple times and you get a few benefits that creates a disparity with non married couples that frankly shouldn't exist, and the government has control over when you can end your relationship and how you disperse your money etc afterwards lol... Well at least in Western countries.


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## VIncymon (Apr 16, 2009)

jbar48 said:


> Your parents are very concerned with your finances because they feel like your a team and need you as a team player.
> 
> They are very inconsiderate of your feelings and stress levels. They believe that you shouldn't have feelings and stress levels and in all honesty maybe you shouldn't.
> 
> ...


A double life ? Like moving back into my parents' house to save money for marriage...thus sabotaging my own relationship in the first place ? 
Or skipping visits to my fiancee to save money for the wedding ...again sabotaging the very relationship its supposed to "save money on for marriage"

Nah...I love my parents...and I will take their advice as much as possible...but if its a choice *between* impressing them or living my own life...my life is for me.

Because guess what ? When I'm alone with nothing but porn for companionship...none of their advice can help me.


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## Sekiro (Dec 29, 2019)

jbar48 said:


> Your parents are very concerned with your finances because they feel like your a team and need you as a team player.


I think they feel like he's a resource to be exploited. This isn't anywhere close to what "team player" behavior looks like.


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