# Toxic/Needy friend



## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

Hi everyone, I'm just making this post with the hope that it helps me with a toxic/needy friend in my life. I met her on an online dating site about the middle of last year.

The friendship started off somewhat ok, even though it was me who was always paying so I should've got alarm bells then. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mind paying but when it's all the time and took for granted that I'd pay then I can't help but feel that I was being took for granted.

As the friendship developed she used to have me going to her bungalow and helping her do household chores with her as she lives with her mother who is partially sighted. 

She used to expect me to drive her here and there all the time rather than taking it in turns and using her car now and then. There was a point when she would be snappy with me which used to annoy me, especially with the way I used to help her.

She is always shouting and arguing with her mum when I have been as they don't get on well. She had 4 dogs, 1 rabbit, a green cheek conure and a budgie and she expected me to take all 4 dogs for a walk after a while. This was a lot to handle 4 dogs.

She has had me doing shopping for her and so on, favour after favour basically. I don't mind helping a friend out but I feel that she has taken advantage of me and still is to this day.

She only texts me if she want's anything, if I can't do anything then she develops an attitude and then the silent treatment comes. She is a very exploitfull, manipulative and lazy person.

Over time, I have got to not like her which is unusual for me not to like anyone. I even don't look forward to visiting her as I know she will be asking favours.

This has been getting me down and not helping my anxiety and depression to the extent that I have been so down at times that I have cut my arm (self harm).

She is a pushy, demanding and ignorant person as I have been talking to her numerous times and she hasn't been listening or has just walked out of the room and not replied. 

She is a very negative person and it's just all me, me, me with her. I am really wanting to end the friendship with her but as I have always been a sensitive person and put other peoples feelings before my own and find it difficult to say no, I'm not finding it easy to end the friendship with her.

I will now close as I don't want to ramble too much lol, I just wanted to vent  and hopefully I will get the confidence and courage that I need to end this dead friendship, thank you for reading


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## meandernorth (Nov 12, 2014)

I think your last sentence says it all. Unless this can be worked out, it's time to move on. If the way she treats her mother (who gives her a roof over her head) is an indication, she's used to doing as she does. For her, it works because she gets what she wants.


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## Oh Dae su (Nov 21, 2013)

Hey, sorry to hear about that. I've witnessed a lot of this growing up, and I can understand how hard it is to say no to these people who know how to play with your emotions. Make you feel guilty even if you're in the right. You reasonably know you are, you should be firm with yourself and her. Don't live your life being someone else's doormat. Your time is better spent on yourself, not making someone else's life easier.

Best of luck regardless.


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## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

Thank you Shorefog and Oh Dae su, to be honest I don't think it could be sorted out as she is too selfish and she will never change her ways or behaviour. It'd just get worse I assume.

Even her mum once said to me that she is selfish and spitefull and that's her mother. I certainly think it is time to say enough - enough and to move on in life.

I'm sorry to hear that you have also witnessed things like this while growing up Oh dae su. It's certainly not nice and doesn't help confidence and self esteem.

I completely agree about time being better spent on myself and friends who care about me rather than giving someone like her an easier life.

Thank you for the luck


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## Daylilly (Apr 4, 2015)

I know it is hard to reject someone. I have a friend like this and I had to be mean to get the message across to her. I still see her as our sons are best friends but she knows my limits now and does not have my phone number, ask me for money anymore or stop over uninvited. It was tough as I have been rejected and never wanted to do that to someone else, but she left me no choice!


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## buddyboy (Feb 11, 2015)

Oh Dae su said:


> Hey, sorry to hear about that. I've witnessed a lot of this growing up, and I can understand how hard it is to say no to these people who know how to play with your emotions. Make you feel guilty even if you're in the right. You reasonably know you are, you should be firm with yourself and her. Don't live your life being someone else's doormat. Your time is better spent on yourself, not making someone else's life easier.
> 
> Best of luck regardless.


Couldn't agree more! I've had past friendships that turned toxic overtime and funnily enough, I didn't realize it, but now I know it. Granted, there were times I've been a toxic friend myself and I'm not sure what got me into this. But, that didn't stop me from being a good person. I realized that being toxic sucks as hell and do I want to go there again? Absolutely not! So now I'm working on being a better friend and actually making and keeping friends who really matter to me. Hope you do the same and good luck


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## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

Daylilly said:


> I know it is hard to reject someone. I have a friend like this and I had to be mean to get the message across to her. I still see her as our sons are best friends but she knows my limits now and does not have my phone number, ask me for money anymore or stop over uninvited. It was tough as I have been rejected and never wanted to do that to someone else, but she left me no choice!


 It sure is hard to reject them Daylilly and sorry to hear that you've also have a friend like this but glad that she now knows your boundaries and limits 

A part of me doesn't want to end the friendship with her as she is the only friend that I have locally and close to home, I have another friend about a 40 minute drive from were I live but rarely see her and all my other friends are mainly online friends.

Otherwise, the other part of me thinks that I deserve better than her and that I'm best off without her :s so confusing but I think ending the friendship with her is the right decision to make


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## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

buddyboy said:


> Couldn't agree more! I've had past friendships that turned toxic overtime and funnily enough, I didn't realize it, but now I know it. Granted, there were times I've been a toxic friend myself and I'm not sure what got me into this. But, that didn't stop me from being a good person. I realized that being toxic sucks as hell and do I want to go there again? Absolutely not! So now I'm working on being a better friend and actually making and keeping friends who really matter to me. Hope you do the same and good luck


 Sorry to hear you've also had past friendships go toxic over time buddyboy and almost the same here really.

It's possible that I may have made some mistakes in my friendships but I hope that they would tell me if I had so that I could apologise and try to solve things.

I like to think of myself as a good friend to have but I have had several people using me as a doormat due to being too nice :|

Glad to hear that you're working on being a better friend and I think I need to do the same, not that I'm a bad friend just mainly I don't keep in touch with my online friends as often as I used to due to always feeling down but also I believe friendship is a 2 way communication process too.

Ah well, I'm sure things will get better and I suppose these things happen to us for us to learn and to make us stronger  even though it is hard at times.

Thank you for the good luck and same to you buddyboy


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## wertyguy (Sep 12, 2013)

Hey man, I understand what you are going through. I have been used in the past as well due to my niceness at passiveness. You know the last time I felt that I was being used was just about 3 weeks ago. What I did was I literally confronted my friend about it and told him everything I feel. It turns out that its just misunderstanding and he became more a friend than "user". You should confronted her about it because its obviously she is using you. Also when she asked you a favor, don't give it right away and all time. Sometimes you have to make excuses why you can't. Because that where all started when you are being too nice and give everything. People can sense it and they would thought it is ok for you even though they don't consiously thinking of using you. Learn to ask favor for yourself as well. Also have some demands for yourself. Like I said its all because you are being too nice and putting up to her. I'll give you an example When you see your friend did something unacceptable like being pushy tell like her "Hey I don't like being push" then with a smile. Or if she asked you to go out then tell her "Sure, but your treat this time ". If your efforts didn't work or she didn't change after you confronted her then its time to move on. Its even better when you tell her straight why you don't want to hang out with her, show her that you are not afraid of losing her. In my experience friends that I told about tends to make up for it and they become more of a true friend and they learn to respect me.


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## Camel (Apr 7, 2015)

Find a better friend, seriously. She's just blatantly using you, does she even give you anything in return?


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## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

wertyguy said:


> Hey man, I understand what you are going through. I have been used in the past as well due to my niceness at passiveness. You know the last time I felt that I was being used was just about 3 weeks ago. What I did was I literally confronted my friend about it and told him everything I feel. It turns out that its just misunderstanding and he became more a friend than "user". You should confronted her about it because its obviously she is using you. Also when she asked you a favor, don't give it right away and all time. Sometimes you have to make excuses why you can't. Because that where all started when you are being too nice and give everything. People can sense it and they would thought it is ok for you even though they don't consiously thinking of using you. Learn to ask favor for yourself as well. Also have some demands for yourself. Like I said its all because you are being too nice and putting up to her. I'll give you an example When you see your friend did something unacceptable like being pushy tell like her "Hey I don't like being push" then with a smile. Or if she asked you to go out then tell her "Sure, but your treat this time ". If your efforts didn't work or she didn't change after you confronted her then its time to move on. Its even better when you tell her straight why you don't want to hang out with her, show her that you are not afraid of losing her. In my experience friends that I told about tends to make up for it and they become more of a true friend and they learn to respect me.


Hi wertyguy and sorry to hear that you've also been used in the past but glad to hear that you confronted your friend and that things improved with the friendship.

I haven't seen her for a week or so due to having a cough and cold. However, I she wanted me to get her a few things from the shop so I dropped them off for her a few days ago but I didn't stay long.

I should really be more assertive with her and not so easy going with her but she can be pushy and is one of these were she complains if things don't go her way. Like a spoilt child to be more accurate.

Funny thing is - is that I completed an Express yourself course a month or so ago on being assertive. I learnt a bit but hardest part is putting it into action :blank

I'm sure I'll get there though and thank you for the tips, I will give that a shot  but hopefully I'm hoping to end the friendship with her. That's the hardest part but I don't think I need her in my life.

I think she wants to be more than a friend but no chance :blank as my life would be he** with her. Being a friend is bad enough lol.


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## Lee41 (Mar 28, 2015)

Camel said:


> Find a better friend, seriously. She's just blatantly using you, does she even give you anything in return?


 That's my goal and determination Camel to end the friendship with her. I admit that she has given me stuff and bought me a Christmas and Birthday present but I've also bought her too.

I have done all sorts for her though, driving her here and there when she has a car of her own. She says she hates driving but why have a car. I've dropped her mum off places and picked her up, jet washed her driveway and helped her with jobs around her bungalow, done shopping for her, took her dog/s to vets for her. Don't get me wrong I don't mind helping a friend because that's what friends do but within reason and not to the extent were you're being used :blank


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## Blue Dino (Aug 17, 2013)

Have you ever asked her for help, or has she ever helped you in anyways in return? If not, then you should give her another good talk again. If she refuses to talk about it, then it's apparent she's just using people to supplement for her own laziness and dependence on others. So this friendship not only has zero benefit to you, but is also causing you harm. So it would be time to end it. Time to start thinking for yourself over her, especially since she's someone who doesn't seem like she deserves your kindness.

While it's good to be selfless in reasonable situation, it's not reasonable to do so when you're hurting your own well being to help her. Something you will have to learn to do with others as well.



Lee41 said:


> she expected me to take all 4 dogs for a walk after a while. This was a lot to handle 4 dogs.


Yeah I know how you feel. I occasionally walk 3 dogs at once. You'll be literally stopping every few seconds, as anyone of them sniffs, pees, takes a dump, sniffs again, leashes that tangled, one walks slow while another walks very fast. :lol


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## Erik20 (Jul 31, 2013)

If she really is toxic, you should just do the slow fade. Tell her you're busy next time she needs something. 
I don't think you should call her out on it, because people like that usually turn it around and try to make you feel guilty for even questioning their friendship.


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## zfairborn (Apr 13, 2015)

Lee41 said:


> I will now close as I don't want to ramble too much lol, I just wanted to vent  and hopefully I will get the confidence and courage that I need to end this dead friendship, thank you for reading


As the others are saying, yes this is not someone to be around. Here's some thoughts for you to consider to help in your decision:

- approximately how much money has she had you pay? With the rough number in mind, how much things that you like could you have given yourself?

- how much time has she made you devote to her? if you could have that time given to you for the future ahead, would you feel content being alone without her presence on you for that time period? If half of that time was spent hanging with a different friend, one you feel close to, do you feel you'd enjoy yourself more?

If you do divide from this (and it sounds like you are leaning heavily towards doing so), just be sure to use it as a lesson for what to avoid in the future. Thats not to say quit being generous. Just make it clear to others in the future you aren't going to be taken for granted, and explain why (a friend once used me for X,Y,Z. I know thats not you, but I hope you can understand why I feel a need to just have people pay for themselves).

That approach will allow you to eventually be generous to people again, once they have proven (give them 3-months or so) that they aren't looking to use or abuse you for their selfish needs.


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## Camel (Apr 7, 2015)

Lee41 said:


> That's my goal and determination Camel to end the friendship with her. I admit that she has given me stuff and bought me a Christmas and Birthday present but I've also bought her too.
> 
> I have done all sorts for her though, driving her here and there when she has a car of her own. She says she hates driving but why have a car. I've dropped her mum off places and picked her up, jet washed her driveway and helped her with jobs around her bungalow, done shopping for her, took her dog/s to vets for her. Don't get me wrong I don't mind helping a friend because that's what friends do but within reason and not to the extent were you're being used :blank


Reciprocity and mutual respect are very important. I just don't see it with your friend, you've done things for your friend that only husbands do. I know that dropping even a toxic friend can be painful, but sometimes it is the only choice. Or you can try to "detoxify" a friendship but it's very hard, people rarely change.


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## Nothing123 (Oct 3, 2014)

This is intense. If i were you id change ur number and ur email adress and move and never see her again. Sounds like an absolute cow to me. I know its not that simple, but wow. Just dnt answer her calls and ignore her. If she gets mad and threatens u with guilt just say "Ok. good for you" 

Ive been there man. Its not good.. get out.


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## littlecupcake (Apr 14, 2015)

I used to have toxic friends myself. I know how you feel, so sorry this happened to you. You really need to be straight forward and just end the so-called friendship. Remember being nice is good, but being way too nice is not such a good thing. Real friends don't treat each other that way. Please take care I hope you find better friends.


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