# How Do I Aproach A Girl Cold?



## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Since I am useless around girls, how do I approach a girl cold? I am dying of loneliness every day. I wake up every morning to nobody laying beside me. I think im going to be alone forever. :cry


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## EML (Sep 25, 2010)

I second this. I have the same problem. What to do, what to say. I am afraid I will embarrass myself and look like an idiot. 

What does one do?


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

I want to know too. Tonight I was at a concert, seeing a band I really like. I had my eye on this women and I literally heard people behind me talk "you could see that guy gazing at her, why doesn't he talk to her?" But I can dance in front of people totally relaxed and uninhibited. I was definitely dancing at a higher energy than everyone else. I seriously wanted to talk to her, but I simply couldn't, like I was unable to. I wish there were lessons for these kind of things.


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## theophania (Jun 14, 2005)

Go up to her and make a comment about the environment the two of you are in. That's probably the most natural way to get things going. For example, at a concert, you could say something like "I really like this band, is this your first time seeing them too?" I had a guy do that once.

If she's even a little bit interested she should help continue the conversation. If she's not, she'll most likely let it die out pretty fast. It's especially better if you can come up with a question that wouldn't have just a straight "yes" or "no" answer so it gets the conversation flowing.


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## Propaganda (Oct 26, 2010)

Go for a 'yes' questions, this gets helps set a positive vibe.


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## Syndacus (Aug 9, 2011)

At any venue:

"Haven't seen you here before? Are you new?"

"Hey I like your shirt..."

"This song reminds me of the conformist society that the media puts us in, and we're all supposed to follow a guide of like-minded norms that breaks my individual barrier down."
Girl: What?
"Oh just breaking the ice...literally..."


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## Xeros (Oct 19, 2006)

First off, if you think she's going to turn you down, she probably will because you'll project that. I know the whole confidence thing is cliche, but for me it took borderline arrogance (light and joking) to really start to feel comfortable when talking to girls.

Find something about her that you can use and ask her about it. 
Find something unique about you and go tell her how lucky she is to be talking to you because you "insert unique attribute". Make sure she knows you're joking.
Go the opposite route and be completely self effacing. "Hi, I'm completely worthless and can't find X or can't do X. You look like you're better than me, could you help?"
You can always tell the truth. Complete Honesty (as long as it's good natured) is extremely surprising and memorable. I once walked up to a girl and flat out told her how I was pretty nervous about talking to her and a whole bunch of other anxiety related truths. She was surprised and started laughing at the shots I was taking at myself. I went out with her later on. 


It also helps if you're generally interested in her instead of just trying to pick up a girl. A lot of people love talking about themselves, so ask her and just slip in little bits about you along the way.


They aren't wild boar. They're people. Talk to them like you would anyone else and relax. Easier said than done I know, but the moment I learned to relax is the moment I started having success with girls. I can't tell you how to do that. Everyone has to have their Eureka moment and learn from it.

Good luck.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

I have thought about this matter for a long time

I have read books, read the garbage on the internet, read all sorts of garbage, listend to advice about projection, and this, and confidence blah blah

I have spent years planning to approach girls, and then not going through with it. That is something your just born with, you cant acquire

I have come to the conclusion that there is no good way to approach a girl cold unless your really good looking. Some guys are just built for that but its not possible to acquire that kind of mind set. Your just gonna end up wasting time and energy, then regretting why you didnt do anything


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

There isn't anything per say you need to say exactly. The things you have to do is approach and then set up for a date or, even better, get her number. That should be your only two goals.

Really, if you have the confidence to approach girls all the time then the hardest part is over. All you do from there is get their attention, say a few things, ask a few questions and then get their number and walk away. Confidence is the key though and to develop confidence you need to practice and practice and practice. It sounds easy in theory, but obviously without confidence is can be extremely challenging, so work on PRACTICING and building up your confidence that way. You can read and get motivated all day but unless you practice in real life you will not gain the confidence that is essential.

*EDIT: Because basically what it comes down to is you can be good looking, have money, have the confidence, have the experience; have all that going for you and still get "rejected" because a lot of the times the reason a girl rejects you is beyond you - the timing could be wrong, she could be dating someone already, she could have a boyfriend, she is too busy, she is shy, etc, etc, so this is why confidence is good because it is something you can use to approach girls everywhere and anywhere. Dating is a numbers game. That's all it is. You can't say that one week your going to meet "X" amount of girls and then claim it to be better or worse the next week because so much is out of your control. All you can do is do YOUR part as a man and approach, ask for her number and take it from there. The rest she decides. Work on your confidence, expect rejection and be persistent and work at it like anything else and you'll get what your looking for eventually, and sooner than later if you work at it hard for a while.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

well, actually, if you want to be a master PUA this is how it's done:











LOL!


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> well, actually, if you want to be a master PUA this is how it's done:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Most of that stuff is so garbage, i used to be really into it too. The only guys who end up making use of it are guys who already had the balls to do this kind of stuff


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Zeeshan said:


> Most of that stuff is so garbage, i used to be really into it too. The only guys who end up making use of it are guys who already had the balls to do this kind of stuff


Or develop the balls to keep doing it. What other options do you have sometimes? I think it's a pretty natural to want to do this - difficult, but natural. There is no difference between cold approaching women at a bar and in a random day to day place. And the only separation from a live cold approach and online dating is a computer screen because your still initiating most everything. Then you have the option of meeting through friends which is a potshot most the time, especially considering everyone is busy. I have yet to find meeting through friends to be a good method for what I want, and it takes a lot of waiting around and hoping which I'm not into. Yeah, you can volunteer or join a group/club or something but no guarantees there either, and who wants to do something they don't like doing in a lot of ways to meet girls?

Whatever works for you. I tried it for a while then gave up because I didn't have the guts to keep pursuing it and I also got sucked into the internet. I'm back at it now and do believe it is just as good - maybe better - than anything else out there once you develop the guts.

The guys in the videos I posted, there were a few things they could work on to be better. One is to come in with more positive energy and try to make a conversation instead of asking for directions then bailing. The girls walking by next to the stairs, he was better off to get them to stop rather than to say some passerby comment that doesn't catch their interest nor does it let him stop and communicate with them. I'm not pro in this but some of the stuff is a little obvious. You have to engage the girls.

Just imagine if you did develop the guts to do this? You could meet girls on your terms in the way you wanted to; there is no waiting. It's about building up that shield of taking on the world, having fun, engaging the kind of girls your interested in and being casual and light about it. If you can do this without feeling like your expending too much energy then your on the right track.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

"Just imagine if you did develop the guts to do this? "

It just seems so ****ing impossible though, not that she could be picked up, that i could actually go through with it.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Zeeshan said:


> "Just imagine if you did develop the guts to do this? "
> 
> It just seems so ****ing impossible though, not that she could be picked up, that i could actually go through with it.


It's not easy but with enough willpower you can do it. I understand what you mean. I still have problems with this and I've done it lots of times - not so many times in day to day places though, which I'm working on.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin (Nov 28, 2009)

Get out of this negative headspace first of all. Concentrate on making yourself happy in the right ways, not seeking happiness from the outside. 

Then it's just a matter of time..


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

Ugh... I was really going to ignore this topic because I hate ****ing in other peoples cereal, but there is enough debate now I don't feel too bad about it.

"How do I approach a girl cold?" The most common answer (as proofed by the responses to this board are) 'grow some balls and just do it."

I find this line of thinking both misguided, unhelpful and usually has about a 100% failure rate.

I could go into a long rant of WHY talking to a girl cold does not work for most guys. But it doesn't. 

The short answer is a girl will not go out on a date with you if she does not feel safe around you, but catch 22 is she will also not be open-minded enough to give you a chance to feel safe around, unless she already feels safe.

What does that mean. That means if you talk to a girl in a setting where she is uncomfortable talking to you, she is not going to be receptive to you. This would be the "talking to a girl cold" in about 95% of cases. 

This isn't to say this is impossible, just to say this is a rather advance level of seduction, one with a very high failure rate even among normal non-sa guys. 

Am I saying that guys should not talk to a girl cold? No. but I am saying it does not work for most normal guys so to tell SA guys who have more trouble than normal guys with women "grow some balls" is about as helpful as telling them to grow some wings. 

SA guys who have trouble with girls need to think smarter not harder. Unless you are a hermit, you already know girls. You interact with girls all the time at work and at school at the store (cashiers). Think of women you actually see on a semi-regular bases, if any women are going to say YES to a "normal guy" or "SA guy" it is going to be among those women, not the random girl he has never seen before.

This is why so many dating sites suggest meeting people by "taking a class/join a club, blah blah blah." You need to be in environments where people are receptive to "getting to know new people." 

There are other ways to do it, but SA guys need to figure out ways two things. First where will they be most comfortable and where will the girl be most comfortable. Obviously the SA guy will have to deal with some discomfort but there can be places with only a reasonable amount of discomfort.

I mean the SA guy who says "Today I am going to go to the mall and pick up chicks" he is not being realistic, he is setting him self up for failure.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

^ So for the guys here who have done this successfully and continue to do this, your saying we are all wrong?

Do you expect dating to be easy? It never has been and never will be. If you find this information to be misguiding, what way is correct in your eyes?

Also, to say you can't do something because you have SA will keep you right where your at. SA should NEVER be used as a crutch to stop you from anything. SA is a mindset that can be controlled and overcome. Really, all it is, is shyness with low-esteem. That's it. And shyness and low-self esteem are "fluid" things. And for those who say that they don't have low-self esteem and claim they have SA, they are kidding themselves or are confused that they are simply shy. SA is a term to describe a self-defeating mindset and attitude. And yes, it does affect your chemistry.


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## Skttrbrain (Jun 17, 2011)

Just talk about anything.. One guy who sat beside me on the bus asked me questions about my mp3 player. I met another guy on the bus.. Didn't know him or anything but he asked me if I was going to his party.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

JimmyDeansRetartedCousin said:


> Get out of this negative headspace first of all. Concentrate on making yourself happy in the right ways, not seeking happiness from the outside.
> 
> Then it's just a matter of time..


I've concentrated on making myself happy for years. Truth is, unless you do something about it and interact with girls nothing is going to happen unless you have some super good quality about you women find absolutely irresistible. No offense, but the advice to say, "Don't worry. It'll happen when you least expect it" or "Don't try and it will come" is more suited for women. As men we are expected to do the approaching in our society. Women do approach but if you sit around waiting for it your going to be waiting for a LONG, LONG time.

Btw, women can approach to and they do like I said already. I think anyone who takes the initiative in this arena is far better off, man or woman.

Not trying to put this quote on the spot. I understand what you mean. It's important to appreciate yourself.


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## spaceygirl (Dec 4, 2009)

m,m I dunno I am a girl but can't really help because rarely would guys approach me, I wish more guys would have would have been nice  There were a few times guy appracohed me just to be friendly and caht and that was nice, not the skeezy ones that make rude comments. So I think just be nice and friendly if the girl is a good one she will like that.


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## CynicalOptimist (Dec 31, 2010)

Xeros said:


> First off, if you think she's going to turn you down, she probably will because you'll project that. I know the whole confidence thing is cliche, but for me it took borderline arrogance (light and joking) to really start to feel comfortable when talking to girls.
> 
> It also helps if you're generally interested in her instead of just trying to pick up a girl. A lot of people love talking about themselves, so ask her and just slip in little bits about you along the way.
> 
> Talk to them like you would anyone else and relax.


These are really good points! I use these tactics as well in socializing not just with people I am attracted to, but in general. Although, I have never managed to make any great friendships or get a date yet, it at least advanced my ability to make connections with people.


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## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin (Nov 28, 2009)

I agree, sitting around grinning like a monkey will only get you so far, if anywhere at all. But if you're happy, then what matter?

But even thinking about this stuff too much, or trying to give the fluid process a set of defined laws takes away the fundamental essence of it all, and it turns it into something useless.


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

Heh... Just the idea of "cold approaching" is exhausting.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

JimmyDeansRetartedCousin said:


> But even thinking about this stuff too much, or trying to give the fluid process a set of defined laws takes away the fundamental essence of it all, and it turns it into something useless.


Your right, that's why I say it's not really what you say but other things like body language, energy level, etc. In a way though, there is a process to it. The process, once again, isn't what you say or where or how you approach, rather it's that A: You take initiative B: You get contact information..because let's face it, without taking the initiative your waiting for chance to happen and unless you get their contact information your not going to be able to see them outside of where you met them unless you see them everyday as it is.

True, if your content and happy with being single then there is no concern in the first place. If you can manage to be happy alone then that is great! I am happy, but I'm also driven to change and to make change. I enjoy change and I also know the benefits and pleasure challenges bring. Some are too daunting though.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> ^ So for the guys here who have done this successfully and continue to do this, your saying we are all wrong?


Sigh:bash

it is like talking to a brick wall a lot of the time.

You say it worked for you. Well I guess that means that it works for everyone, at all times.

Hip, hip hooray for you.

I will try to keep this short.

I never said Dating is easy, and I never suggested SA should be a crutch.

The approach of "grow some balls and ask out women you never met before." Is like an exercise in dealing with rejections... and that can be very valuable. But if a guy is saying he is LONLY and wants to dates, I would suggest doing stuff that has a higher chance of success.

The highest chance of success is asking out girls who are comfortable around you. Girls who are you know but don't know so well that they have placed you in the "friends zone."

Granted even for this you have to "grow some balls and do it." But at least its a realistic, it's how most guys get dates. You get to know a girl a little, maybe flirt with her once or twice see if she is receptive and then if so ask her out.

The problem with the "grow some balls and ask out strangers" approach is it is like shooting blind in the dark.

There is nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, with asking out girls who are more likely to say yes, to do some ground work to make it more likely that they say yes.

It's not easy, and it does not work over night, and SA is still going to be an issue. But at least it is something that is known to work for the majority of normal men.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

Dead Leaves said:


> Heh... Just the idea of "cold approaching" is exhausting.
> 
> I can't even approach girls I see on a regular basis. I'm exposed to 80+ new classmates every three months, but I have a long list of pathetic excuses as to why I haven't taken advantage of my situation.


I cant even ask out girls who i find attractive and are giving me the go ahead sign. How sad is that


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

Zeeshan said:


> I cant even ask out girls who i find attractive and are giving me the go ahead sign. How sad is that


Same here. I can confirm at least one girl having liked me for every quarter I've been in college. I just can't think of anything to say; I feel like I have to entertain them... It's too much pressure.


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## Ckg2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I feel like a creep asking a girl I don't know out on a date. I also can not ask out a girl I know, because I don't know many girls. Im so scared to go after what I want with girls.


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## hoddesdon (Jul 28, 2011)

Stand in a freezer for an hour or so beforehand?


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## Batnaham (Jul 1, 2011)

Are people with SA want to be appeasing? I dont like want to know some woman who thinks she is all that and be her little b***h.


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## hollowtears (Sep 5, 2011)

I really understand guys when it comes to this asking out people thing. If I was a guy I´d never ask a girl out. I wouldn´t dare. All the nice guys do that, and often get rejected, while all the jerks manipulate women into making it seem like it is the women that are making the first move.


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## hollowtears (Sep 5, 2011)

Of course, it goes the other way around too, guys like girls that are unatteinable and so everybodys miserable. sigh.. this is something I really shouldn´t be thinking about right now, this late at night..


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

hmnut said:


> Sigh:bash
> 
> it is like talking to a brick wall a lot of the time.
> 
> ...


If the situation arises where you don't know any women - like I would imagine a lot of SA'ers struggle with - then your going to HAVE to meet new women. There is no making up imaginary friends in your head and getting them to like you. You have to meet them somewhere at sometime. Like I said, you can meet them anywhere; it' doesn't have to be a cold approach, but since this thread is specifically about cold approaches then I am giving my insight on this area.

There are benefits to the cold approach and cons as well. The first is that you don't have to wait to meet people, meet their friends, find a new job with the types of girls you like, etc, etc, but rather you can meet girls on your own terms when you want which cuts down on waiting time and "taking a shot in the dark" as you say. The cons of cold approaching is, yes, it's more difficult, but it can work and it does. By cold approaching you don't have to switch jobs, meet new friend and meet their friend; you don't have to get into a new class, etc, etc...when you do all these things all your doing is ignoring all the girls you see walking around and zoning only on girls in specific instances, which make it more comfortable for you but just as blind, and in many ways, just as difficult. Once again, you can meet them anywhere, but don't rule out cold approaches because your "shy".

Or you can conclude that a lonely man will date anyone. In this case, as I have found many times, you start dating someone and because your dating them out of insecurity your not really keen on them, and what happens next is you end up breaking up with them or become dissatisfied. If I wanted to, I could date a woman right now but I have standards that may be the reason I'm single but I can't bring myself to date just anyone simply because I'm lonely. I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't want to be with initially.

You can meet women anywhere. Yes, it does mean developing "balls" as a metaphor. This doesn't make you any less "manly" - it's a form of expression.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

hollowtears said:


> I really understand guys when it comes to this asking out people thing. If I was a guy I´d never ask a girl out. I wouldn´t dare. All the nice guys do that, and often get rejected, while all the jerks manipulate women into making it seem like it is the women that are making the first move.


It's not about manipulating. It's about taking initiative for what you want and being upfront and taking a chance like anything else in life.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Batnaham said:


> Are people with SA want to be appeasing? I dont like want to know some woman who thinks she is all that and be her little b***h.


Where did you get this idea? No one here is saying they want to date a *****.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Dead Leaves said:


> Same here. I can confirm at least one girl having liked me for every quarter I've been in college. I just can't think of anything to say; I feel like I have to entertain them... It's too much pressure.


It is a a lot of pressure at first but you can get better and more accustomed to it with time. What you feel is a normal response for someone in your position.

It's interesting you say this because it got me thinking a bit. You say there is a girl that likes you - I'm assuming she's shown interest - but you don't know how to react out of pressure, right? It's funny, a few years ago I would feel the same. And while I still get anxious at times about it I know what to do in a situation like this. So your at school at you notice a girl giving you special attention. You pretty much just start up small talk about ANYTHING; get talking to her, tell her a little about yourself and then ask for her number. That's it. If she doesn't give you her number or w/e then she's most likely not interested. At least you don't have to wonder about her anymore. It's actually a relief and you can be proud you did what you had to do to get to know her.

The interesting part about this is I'm feeling the same overwhelming approach anxiety your feeling but I'm feeling it on cold approaches at stores, etc. What this tells me is I am learning and getting better because, like I said, a few years ago I would of thought approaching a girl who has _ALREADY_ shown interest in me too daunting, but now I find it to be easy because she has already giving me the green light to go. My instance now is that this isn't the case and I must find out for myself, which I have also done but not so many times in this context. Believe it or not, I actually feel more comfortable approaching in bars because I'm more familiar with it and it's almost the exact some thing. Strange isn't it? But also motivating to get accustomed!

One way I look at it is like your cutting out all the unnecessary BS in your head when you get better with it. IN other words, instead of thinking "I'm not good enough", you cut it out, or another example, "what will people think?", you cut that out, etc. So in a way it's about learning to channel or cut out all the unnecessary BS going on in your head that people call "excuses" that stop you from reacting in the way you need to. If you can't "cut it out" then at least you begin to recognize them as excuses and you do it anyway. The less excuses in your head the less mental strain it takes and the less anxiety you feel. This does take a good amount of time to develop though, and may even need some positive experiences to happen to really enforce it.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Not to stray off topic.

*Stay in the freezer for about 10 minutes and then walk out...and pop the question.


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## hollowtears (Sep 5, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> It's not about manipulating. It's about taking initiative for what you want and being upfront and taking a chance like anything else in life.


I agree. It´s about being upfront and taking a chance, wich is something that bad bois don´t do. You can play it dirty or you can play it clean, and they play it dirty, hence "manipulation".  I´ve seen it happen. Not all guys are like that and thank god for them.

Having said that, this whole dating thing is a joke anyway, it´s like you´re asking to get burned. But I really admire the people that are up for the game, hell I might even get in it myself, once I remove the last shred of dignity I have a kiss my innocence goodbye.


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## hollowtears (Sep 5, 2011)

This is probably NOT how you play the game (but I thought the lyrics were cute nonetheless)






I just find it very typical, the way it ends - with bitterness and delusion.


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## OldSchoolSkater (Jun 3, 2011)

Zeeshan said:


> I have thought about this matter for a long time
> 
> I have read books, read the garbage on the internet, read all sorts of garbage, listend to advice about projection, and this, and confidence blah blah
> 
> ...


Sorry but I HAVE to say that you are WRONG. You definitely can acquire it. And you don't have to be good looking to get a woman - look at all the mismatch couples in the world. I see at least one really creepy/dbag looking guy either with a hot girlfriend or hitting it off with a very attractive woman every time I go to the bar. They just had more confidence than some of us do.

They also have been rejected several times more than any of us, which means they are playing the odds. They hit on something like 4 girls a night, maybe more or less.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

OldSchoolSkater said:


> They also have been rejected several times more than any of us, which means they are playing the odds. They hit on something like 4 girls a night, maybe more or less.


Right. And when I do that I think I'm doing pretty well. For some of these guys that have large amounts of confidence they see approaching four or five girls a night no problem. I'm not saying I can't have the same amount of confidence, but I realize it's going to take work to get there.

And for the quote you selected, he mentions NOT approaching anyone and getting nowhere. Well, no wonder. You at the very least have to approach. To say it is something one is born with, and have never approached yourself, is assuming.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

We could go back and forth with this for days. And in the end we are agreeing on the big picture but disagreeing on the small details.



bwidger85 said:


> If the situation arises where you don't know any women - like I would imagine a lot of SA'ers struggle with - then your going to HAVE to meet new women.


This IS the bottom line, you have to meet new women. We are in 100% agreement on this, it is the "how" which we do not agree.



bwidger85 said:


> There are benefits to the cold approach and cons as well. The first is that you don't have to wait to meet people, meet their friends, find a new job with the types of girls you like, etc, etc, but rather you can meet girls on your own terms when you want which cuts down on waiting time and "taking a shot in the dark" as you say. The cons of cold approaching is, yes, it's more difficult, but it can work and it does. By cold approaching you don't have to switch jobs, meet new friend and meet their friend; you don't have to get into a new class, etc, etc...when you do all these things all your doing is ignoring all the girls you see walking around and zoning only on girls in specific instances, which make it more comfortable for you but just as blind, and in many ways, just as difficult. Once again, you can meet them anywhere, but don't rule out cold approaches because your "shy".


Except there is a another CON to the cold approach and that is that regardless of it the guy doing it is uncomfortable the girl being approached is probably uncomfortable. Which is why it does not work that often.

Another CON on top of that is it is all or nothing thing. If you see a girl in the mall and you cold approach her, you have to be smooth and charming from the moment you say hello to the second you say goodbye. Every second of that interaction has to lead to you getting either a date or a phone number, there is no "talking to get to know her." There is no build up, there is little time for real conversation because it is all about getting the the digits/date. So even if it works what do you talk about on the date; if you can't talk to women as people in general?



bwidger85 said:


> Or you can conclude that a lonely man will date anyone. In this case, as I have found many times, you start dating someone and because your dating them out of insecurity your not really keen on them, and what happens next is you end up breaking up with them or become dissatisfied. If I wanted to, I could date a woman right now but I have standards that may be the reason I'm single but I can't bring myself to date just anyone simply because I'm lonely. I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't want to be with initially.


That's wonderful but also not relevant to anything I said or the topic at all.

Will a lonely man date anyone? I don't know but I know as someone with SA, you get enough rejections you will jump at the first person who says YES just because they said yes.

The problem with the cold approach is it neither increases the likelihood of getting a yes nor does it decrease the effect of getting a no. The only difference between the cold approach and what I am saying is the cold approach is faster, less effective but faster. Within 5 minutes you will either have a date or you won't.

But the SA guy who says he knows no women, is lying to himself. UNLESS he is a hermit he knows at least a few, and if he is a hermit THAT is what he should be working on not dating. He walks outside his house BOMB there are women there. If he is in school, women, if he has a job, women, he lives near store chances are women he sees more than once who work and shop there. My approach is don't ignore THESE women.

If an SA guy can't talk to THESE women, then there is a much bigger problem than doing the "cold approach."

Because the SA guy is so fustrated, he wants to skip basic steps in the mating dance and jump to the end. He wants to see a girl and make her his girlfriend, in 8 seconds flat. He wants instant gratification. AND THAT is dangerous because as soon as people realize that, they take advantage of his desperation (this is actually how all people who fall victim to con artist are conned). This is how guys (and girls) get into VERY bad relationships.

My point is if the SA guy is not willing to do the basics, he is either going to face repeated rejected, or he is going to jump into the first relationship he can get, often ignoring warning signs that it is a bad relationship.

The steps are, you meet a girl, build a rapport, build sexual mild sexual tension, and then ask them on a date. Some guys can do this in a matter of minutes (the cold approach), hip hip hoorey for them, most guys do this over a few meetings.

I am suggest that SA guys work on mastering all those steps, before they attempt to do them all within the span of a short elevator ride. If an SA guy feels he can do all those things... fine ignore my post, it's aimed at guys who can't. But from what I have read from the SA guys on few of them can do these things, so maybe they should work on that.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I don't think in every instance the man or woman is going to be uncomfortable depending on what you say and how you approach. I do agree it's harder but w/e works for you. If you don't want to do it then don't do it. It isn't the only way.

What's interesting about what you say about talking to girls in school or work, etc, is that you still have to approach/introduce them as a stranger anyway in some way, so what's the difference between approaching someone in the store verse walking out of a classroom? You see them everyday? Well, a lot of the times this is true but still awkward if your not sitting next to them or if the teacher talks all day. It's expected to talk at school or work? OK, this may be somewhat true but you shouldn't be so judgmental to think everyone in a store won't be as open to you either. You can wait for a special project that [pairs you two together but I find this approach to be too passive. Also, what happens if you approach that girl in school or at work and she has a boyfriend or she isn't interested in you? What do you do then? Wait for months for another class? Change jobs? Sure, you can approach at work or school but that isn't always an option.

I never said cold approaching was the only way. Being this thread is asking advice on cold approaches I tried to answer it. There are pros and cons to everything. Cold approaching isn't the only way, no.


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## theophania (Jun 14, 2005)

Ckg2011 said:


> I feel like a creep asking a girl I don't know out on a date. I also can not ask out a girl I know, because I don't know many girls. Im so scared to go after what I want with girls.


It would only be creepy if you didn't talk to the girl at least a little bit beforehand. Just do it. I wish more guys came up to me but they don't. I think most girls would be really flattered even if they ended up turning you down for whatever reason.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

OldSchoolSkater said:


> Sorry but I HAVE to say that you are WRONG. You definitely can acquire it. And you don't have to be good looking to get a woman - look at all the mismatch couples in the world. I see at least one really creepy/dbag looking guy either with a hot girlfriend or hitting it off with a very attractive woman every time I go to the bar. They just had more confidence than some of us do.
> 
> They also have been rejected several times more than any of us, which means they are playing the odds. They hit on something like 4 girls a night, maybe more or less.


I never said that, I said you have to be good looking to approach a girl cold and be successful at it.


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## Zeeshan (Sep 4, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> I don't think in every instance the man or woman is going to be uncomfortable depending on what you say and how you approach. I do agree it's harder but w/e works for you. If you don't want to do it then don't do it. It isn't the only way.
> 
> What's interesting about what you say about talking to girls in school or work, etc, is that you still have to approach/introduce them as a stranger anyway in some way, so what's the difference between approaching someone in the store verse walking out of a classroom? You see them everyday? Well, a lot of the times this is true but still awkward if your not sitting next to them or if the teacher talks all day. It's expected to talk at school or work? OK, this may be somewhat true but you shouldn't be so judgmental to think everyone in a store won't be as open to you either. You can wait for a special project that [pairs you two together but I find this approach to be too passive. Also, what happens if you approach that girl in school or at work and she has a boyfriend or she isn't interested in you? What do you do then? Wait for months for another class? Change jobs? Sure, you can approach at work or school but that isn't always an option.
> 
> I never said cold approaching was the only way. Being this thread is asking advice on cold approaches I tried to answer it. There are pros and cons to everything. Cold approaching isn't the only way, no.


I think cold approaching a girl at a campus is quite different, and certainly doable. I meant cold approaching like you see a girl walking on the street or at a coffee shop

Yea Schools and college campuses, work, ect. definately doable because you already have something in common,


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## bezoomny (Feb 10, 2007)

"Hello. Nice day we're having?"


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## fatelogic (Jun 21, 2011)

wait till winter comes along. IMO


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## Cole87 (Aug 15, 2011)

I feel your pain, I have a hard time going up to not only girls but people all together. Even smiling at a cute girl is hard to do. I'm like a wall in public. I ones had two girls walk by me at the beach and one said hello and smiled looking my way and I was off guard and could only wave. I wanted to run up to them but I couldn't. I don't know want to till you since I'm in the same boat as u. I do feel I will end up being alone forever to and it eats at me every single day. I have tried to get noticed more with changing want I wear and it has gotten me looks and smiles. So maybe u could try and spice up your look and wear stuff u like to try on but couldn't before ?!


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Dead Leaves said:


> I think my problem is that I have trouble seeing the "green light". It actually takes me awhile to figure out that they're interested. I don't want to be the guy who mistakes every friendly gesture as flirtation (and I always assume there's no way they would choose me over the competition), so I'm completely oblivious when there's any real flirtation happening. I need confirmation from a trusted third-party before I can believe someone could possibly be into me. Or, in rare cases, girls will ask for my number directly.
> 
> Their attraction to me is almost always based solely on looks, though. I very rarely speak apart from art critiques. I'm sure most girls would lose interest as soon as they realized how socially inept I am. I'm the absolute worst conversationalist.
> 
> ...


I consider myself normal actually. I haven't had SA for a while. In fact, I consider most people here normal too. I think SA is a limiting belief, but that's another thing entirely...

The problem is that some girls will play the passive part without taking lead and if she flirts with a passive guy nothing happens. I've had these instances happen where a girl thought I was cute but did nothing about it. Someone has to take the initiative and ask for a number or something to get it past talking in class. Btw, I know what you mean by getting rejected and sitting in class the rest of the semester - another problem with work and school, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

That's the thing with dating and initiating. You almost have to accept the awkwardness of it and do it anyway. We almost have to start looking at approaching as a man a very normal and natural thing to do. If you were to talk to this girl in class and ask for her number, that should be celebrated and seen as a normal thing. Could she reject you? Yeah, but that comes with the territory. It doesn't mean you still can't be nice to each other. It's not like you guys talk to each other anyway lol. Might as well give it a shot - easier said than done though, I know. SA is a mindset. Ultimately you can do anything a person without SA can do if you just do it. And I still struggle with approaching. I don't think I'll ever be 100% comfortable to a tee.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> What's interesting about what you say about talking to girls in school or work, etc, is that you still have to approach/introduce them as a stranger anyway in some way, so what's the difference between approaching someone in the store verse walking out of a classroom? You see them everyday? Well, a lot of the times this is true but still awkward if your not sitting next to them or if the teacher talks all day.


But not AS awkward, and that's the point. If a girl is familiar with your face that's half the battle. That's one less barrier to making her comfortable, and if she is comfortable she is more likely to be respective to you. If you are an SA guy talking to a girl you never talked to before it is going to be difficult enough for you, you will be nervous, you will say the "wrong thing," you will have anxiety... all of which makes doing the things needed in the cold approach hard if not impossible; charm, body language, confidence. What I am suggesting you can break the ice by getting yourself comfortable enough to talk to a girl and THEN work on trying to romance her.



bwidger85 said:


> You can wait for a special project that [pairs you two together but I find this approach to be too passive.


Because the only time you can talk to a girl at work is when you are working on a project together? Yeah THAT'S what I said.

No in fact that is not even remotely what I said. Again if you work somewhere you probably see women all the time, like at school, she does not have to be the girl sitting right next to you, she could just be a girl who is in another department, another floor, hell the girl who sells coffee outside.

The real value of approaching these kinds of women OVER cold approaching strangers is these women are already know your face, they won't think it is odd for you to talk to them because you are already in their circle of people they are use to seeing. And probably most important of all for SA guys, you don't have to get a home run (number/date) on the very first time talking to her.

Again if we are talking about SA guys who don't talk to women, learning how to talk to women in general is more important than just jumping to "getting a girlfriend."


bwidger85 said:


> Also, what happens if you approach that girl in school or at work and she has a boyfriend or she isn't interested in you?


OH MY GOD! WHAT IF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!! WHAT IF SHE IS NOT INTERESTED!!!!!!!!

Because every girl at the mall is of course single and interested in dating total strangers.

If she has a boyfriend, if she is not interested, bfd, move on to someone else. The point is the only way to find these things out is to be comfortable enough to talk to girls.



bwidger85 said:


> What do you do then? Wait for months for another class? Change jobs?


I am only commenting on this because you brought it up a few times now. I seriously doubt a guy with a job only knows 1 girl worth talking to, same with a guy in school. There have to be at least a few.

And I am not saying DON'T talk to anyone except at work and school, I am only using them as examples because most people go to work and school at least a few times a week. I actually SAID talk to people at stores, but I would focus more on the ones you see on a regular bases more than complete strangers.

Basically any girl you have seen BEFORE and are fairly sure you will AGAIN is a good person to try to talk to, because you are able to build up a rapport.

Now your main argument against my main argument appears to be what does he do when he has asked out all the girls worth wild he sees on a regular... I say cross that bridge when we come to it. In the mean time work on the basics.

Chances are if he has done THAT (worked on the basics), he will have a lot more confidence around women (maybe not cured of SA but able to talk to them), and then I might suggest expanding the circle. Talking to strangers in social settings where it is expected (clubs, bars, parties). And then once he has master that and he is confident and comfortable talking to women he has never seen before I might suggest cold approaching women in places where it is less common to talk to complete strangers.

My point is cold approaching is the tip of the sword, it is about knowing how to be confident, charming, sexually self assured without being sexually aggressive, have positive body language, able to start and hold a conversation, while not being too nervous or too awkward, AND making the girl feel comfortable... all of this at the same time for a few minutes.

A guy who can barely say two words to women SHOULD NOT start here.



bwidger85 said:


> Being this thread is asking advice on cold approaches I tried to answer it.


Except oddly that's NOT what the first post was about (or not ALL it was about). It was about a guy who is lonely because he can't get a date. Which really has nothing to do with cold approaching a girl. And as I have said over and over again most men (even SA men) know enough quality single women that if they have the basics of down they can get a date without having to cold approach strangers.

The problem with SA men by and large is NOT "there aren't any women around." it is "I am too scared to talk to them." mixed with "I don't know how to hold a conversation (with a woman)."

These are skills you have to build up in general before you can date anyone. You have to learn to crawl before you can walk. These are guys who can't crawl who want to run... a marathon... and come in first. Nice goal but you still need to build up to it.


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## Dead Leaves (Aug 20, 2011)

bwidger85 said:


> I consider myself normal actually. I haven't had SA for a while. In fact, I consider most people here normal too. I think SA is a limiting belief, but that's another thing entirely...
> 
> The problem is that some girls will play the passive part without taking lead and if she flirts with a passive guy nothing happens. I've had these instances happen where a girl thought I was cute but did nothing about it. Someone has to take the initiative and ask for a number or something to get it past talking in class. Btw, I know what you mean by getting rejected and sitting in class the rest of the semester - another problem with work and school, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.
> 
> That's the thing with dating and initiating. You almost have to accept the awkwardness of it and do it anyway. We almost have to start looking at approaching as a man a very normal and natural thing to do. If you were to talk to this girl in class and ask for her number, that should be celebrated and seen as a normal thing. Could she reject you? Yeah, but that comes with the territory. It doesn't mean you still can't be nice to each other. It's not like you guys talk to each other anyway lol. Might as well give it a shot - easier said than done though, I know. SA is a mindset. Ultimately you can do anything a person without SA can do if you just do it. And I still struggle with approaching. I don't think I'll ever be 100% comfortable to a tee.


Meh, I was in a negative mood last night. I regret that post.

You're right. Changing how we perceive rejection is the only way. When I first got here, joinmartin said something about how it's impossible for someone to reject you, they can only reject _their_ perception of you. There's too many variables and they're constantly changing.

I think a lot of us feel like rejection is the end of the world, but it's really just part of it. If one girl rejects you, does that mean every approach is bound to fail? When you give up (or don't try at all), you end up dealing with sample sizes that are too small to come to any possible positive conclusions.


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## Manifold (May 14, 2010)

Just take a rag, pour chloroform into it and proceed for a swift take-down. Whisper into her ear: "Resistance is futile", whilst doing it.

It always works&#8230;at least until the police comes knocking at your door :stu


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Dead Leaves said:


> Meh, I was in a negative mood last night. I regret that post.
> 
> You're right. Changing how we perceive rejection is the only way. When I first got here, joinmartin said something about how it's impossible for someone to reject you, they can only reject _their_ perception of you. There's too many variables and they're constantly changing.
> 
> I think a lot of us feel like rejection is the end of the world, but it's really just part of it. If one girl rejects you, does that mean every approach is bound to fail? When you give up (or don't try at all), you end up dealing with sample sizes that are too small to come to any possible positive conclusions.


Great analogy. It's tough to gather that energy to keep going on - one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is dating, ever, because of my choices.

Btw, you say your socially inept. You may lack confidence, which is in itself a lot, but I doubt your socially inept. You seem very cable of structuring sentences and making your point across which doesn't appear to make you social inept. You probably just lack confidence, which is a lot when it's not there, I get it.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Hmnut, I've already agreed with you on this: cold approaches are hard; there are more than one way to approach a girl, etc. I am in agreeance with you. You've stated that if all other options dry up then it's a good idea to cold approach if willing. I agree. If I was given the option to approach a girl more easily and less challenging I would. All I'm saying is cold approaches _can and does_ work SA or no SA and whether they appear hard or not. I'd most likely use up the easier ways first like you mentioned and if nothing then I'd move to cold approaches simply because I'm stubborn and a little optimistic I suppose. I'm doing it now because I think I can gain a lot of confidence from it; I think it's a great way to meet girls outside of the "easier" places as well, so it gives more options. I also don't prefer online dating in the slightest. To me, online has a higher rejection rate than even cold approaches - to _me_.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

Fair enough.

I also am not a fan of online dating (although I know of some people who it has worked for). I feel cold approaching IS better than online dating.

The problem I have with online dating is it is a little too much like writing a resume for a job. You are not really going to interact with anyone but you are going to give them your dating resume and then they decide if they want to interact with you. I see it more like a "hobby" to do because you are bored rather than a way to really meet people. 

If you happen to meet someone great, if not so what you can still talk to real live women you know or even cold approach (if you are ready) women you don't. 

I don't think Online should be any guys number one way to get dates.


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## iamwhatiam (Mar 23, 2011)

How do you have a conversation with any stranger?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

hmnut said:


> Fair enough.
> The problem I have with online dating is it is a little too much like writing a resume for a job. You are not really going to interact with anyone but you are going to give them your dating resume and then they decide if they want to interact with you. I see it more like a "hobby" to do because you are bored rather than a way to really meet people.


A funny profile with some good pictures and a witty first message to a girl online can go a long way. If a girl bites, you can have her number within 5-10 messages, assuming you put some good thought into them. This is great because you can practice being witty without any pressure, and it breaks the ice. Calling them is the harder part, but even still it's another great way to practice where even if you mess up, at least you won't be rejected in person. Practicing is the only way to get better at interacting with girls, whether it starts online or with an approach in a bar. If a guy literally CANNOT approach in real life (which is a cop out, but w/e), then online is a great place to start. I don't see how it's like giving out a dating resume - in fact nowhere in my profile does it say anything about my dating experience.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

rymo said:


> A funny profile with some good pictures and a witty first message to a girl online can go a long way. If a girl bites, you can have her number within 5-10 messages, assuming you put some good thought into them. This is great because you can practice being witty without any pressure, and it breaks the ice. Calling them is the harder part, but even still it's another great way to practice where even if you mess up, at least you won't be rejected in person. Practicing is the only way to get better at interacting with girls, whether it starts online or with an approach in a bar. If a guy literally CANNOT approach in real life (which is a cop out, but w/e), then online is a great place to start. I don't see how it's like giving out a dating resume - in fact nowhere in my profile does it say anything about my dating experience.


You say it in your first line. "a funny profile with some good pictures."

When I have to apply for a job I have to hand in a resume, and the appearance of the resume becomes MORE important than whether or not I can do the job well. If you hand in a resume with one or two typos, or a using a bad font... NO JOB FOR YOU!!!

Fine whatever, that is the nature of work world. We have to accept that even if we are PREFECT for the job, our resume has to meet, rather arbitrary, standards to even be looked at for said job (even if those standards have nothing to do with the job). Fine that is the work world.

But now this is spilling over into the dating world too. Where now you have to work on your "profile" the same way you work on your resume, you have to find "good pictures" and the right funny words.

If I have no good pictures and I can't think of something funny to put in my profile does that mean I am not worthy of getting a date? No of course not, but just like resume writing it is a standardized language that you MUST be good at just to get noticed, yet it has little to nothing to do with the ultimate goal (job/dating).

I think Online dating is okay as a hobby, as a backup plan, but I think in general it is a bad idea for SA people as it puts off the one thing SA people have the most trouble with "talking to people."

Although I am not a fan of the cold approach, I feel there is value in any approach that gets the SA person speaking to people.

Again my biggest concern with SA people is this desire to skip working on the SA issues and jump into the nearest relationship. The SA man who thinks the cold approach is best because it is faster way to get a girlfriend rather than talking to a girl over time... it may be faster but it is also harder, you have to be more confident and more comfortable talking to people. Or the SA man who thinks Online dating is better because then I don't have to go out and talk to anyone I can just chat on a computer and before we meet in person she will already be my girlfriend.

I think the cold approach and online dating are the two extreme ends of how to meet people in the modern world. While I don't think SA people should go to either of the extremes I think if they must choose one they should do the one that fosters talking to people one on one A LOT.

There is no short cut. There are different options, but at some point you have to sit down and talk to these people one on one if you want a real relationship. If that is hard for you, than WORKING ON THAT has to be more important than just getting a girlfriend.


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## jimkarry02 (Sep 9, 2011)

Thanks for all the videos and ideas regarding approaching a girl, I would definitely look forward into it and implement it. this *relationship advice* help in creating ad maintaining the relations.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

jimkarry02 said:


> Thanks for all the videos and ideas regarding approaching a girl, I would definitely look forward into it and implement it. this *relationship advice* help in creating ad maintaining the relations.


bot?


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

hmnut said:


> You say it in your first line. "a funny profile with some good pictures."
> 
> When I have to apply for a job I have to hand in a resume, and the appearance of the resume becomes MORE important than whether or not I can do the job well. If you hand in a resume with one or two typos, or a using a bad font... NO JOB FOR YOU!!!
> 
> ...


I can't read all of that. All I know is that I have SA and I activated my profile this week, and now have two dates this weekend because of it. How many did I have the week before? 0. Those two dates are going to go a long way in decreasing my anxiety (assuming nothing goes horribly wrong). It also didn't take much effort to create my profile. And if you can't think of something funny to write right away, then there's no harm in thinking and practicing and sharpening your wit.

I met these two girls online. I am now going to be talking to them face to face. Opportunity to decrease SA? I think so. And that is taking nothing away from meeting people in real life, which is how I met my first girlfriend.


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## diamondheart89 (Mar 21, 2011)

Go put on some mittens.


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## persona non grata (Jul 13, 2011)

Ckg2011 said:


> Since I am useless around girls, how do I approach a girl cold? I am dying of loneliness every day. I wake up every morning to nobody laying beside me. I think im going to be alone forever. :cry


After you see a girl you like, walk over and say something horrible and sexist. That way you'll be elevated from a nobody into a pig. Then, if you see her again later, you can approach and deliver a heartfelt apology for your reprehensible behavior. If you come across as sincere she'll probably forgive you and then BAM! Just like that you've gone from a pig to an acquaintance!

The acquaintanceship is what you're actually going to be leveraging for a date. When you see her sometime just offer to buy her lunch "because you feel bad about being such an *** before". You see it's very difficult to ask a girl out totally cold, so rapidly inserting yourself as a "character" in her life is an efficient alternative.

Do this. It can't possibly go wrong.


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