# Follow me as I conquer SA



## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Hi all!

This thread is meant to be a sort of diary to keep track of my progress I made. In the end I hope to finally manage to get a girlfriend. That's my ultimate goal . But other goals include: being more social, more comfortable in social situations etc.

First a little about me. 
I'm 23. In my last year at uni. Never had a relationship, neither a kiss,sex or even a hug.

This year is my last chance to change this. I think it's all about having the rigt mindset.
You can be like 'yeaa, I'm not gonna approach that girl, what if she rejects me' 
or you can be like 'if i am brave for 5 seconds and approach that girl it can change my total life, from living a loner life to having a beautifull family.'
I guess it's obvious which my vision is.

So enough introduction, time for results.
I have 3 ways to improve my social behaviour and to find a girlfriend: school, approaching strangers and onlline.

1.Approaching strangers:
Today I already made a huge step. For some this might be nothing but for me it's huge. I approached 5 girls and asked them for directions. 
I needed about 1 hour to get me mentally prepared but then finally I approached a girl, and asked her for directions. She was very kind.
Then about 10 minutes later I approached 2 girls and asked them again for directions. They were also very helpfull.
Then the 3rd,3th, 5th also followed and I even slightly liked doing it. I felt satisfied.
My next goal is to do something like this: 



I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull this off. Maybe that's still a bridge to far? Any tips would be welcome!

2.School
I'm in a group assignment with 2 girls and 2 guys. It's a good practise for social interactions but nothing more than that. Howerver I noticed that I don't have any problems talking about the project itself and explaining my solution. But whenever the subject changes to something non-school related I go quiet and then they kind of ignore me (obviously since I don't say anything).

I'm also have a class with a girl who takes that class as an optional class , which means she doesn't really know anybody. We started talking the first lesson and since then we always sit next to eachother and during the breaks we talk. She really talks a lot to me. (luckily since I'm not the greatest talker ) . She might be a bit into me, idk. But she just isn't my type unfortunatly. Nevertheless it's a good thing we talk.

3.Online dating
The least succesfull part.
Today I had a match on tinder. I said 'Hi' She insta deletes me 
I also have a conversation going on okcupid with a girl but she doesn't seem too interested.
Keep in mind that I'm below average looking so online dating won't really work I'm afraid.

I encourage everybody to leave feedback, give me advice, anything! It'd help me really really reaaaally much!
But please don't post anything negative along the lines 'yeah this is never going to work' ..


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## Bogus (Jun 28, 2010)

good job at making a start. as you may have noticed the actual interaction usualy is much easiert than anticipatory anxiety may lead you to believe.

just wanted to remind you that "This year is my last chance to change this." is not actually true. if you are already used to going to university on a regular basis that is certainly a helpful basis to get to know people, and supplied you with some basic level of interpersonal excercise, but there are opportunities outside of a frame like that, and you can create them too.

not trying to demotivate you, the opposite. you should not feel like everything is lost if you dont manage you to solve your problems the next year. persistent action is good, additional pressure created by perceived time limits not so much.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Congrats! Sounds like so far you've made great progress! 

I'm really curious, why is this year your last chance? Are you going to work on a deserted island or on the moon? 

Okay, now seriously.

Here's a third possible mindset: Have you considered completely removing the SA issues? Both beliefs, thinking habits and emotional response can be changed. I know from my and many others' experience. Now there's no worries, no fear. It's way easier for me to do anything. Not every technique/approach addresses those issues well so if you need some tips or techniques that you may not have tried, let me know.



Pieter1992 said:


> 2.School
> I'm in a group assignment with 2 girls and 2 guys. It's a good practice for social interactions but nothing more than that. However I noticed that I don't have any problems talking about the project itself and explaining my solution. But whenever the subject changes to something non-school related I go quiet and then they kind of ignore me (obviously since I don't say anything).


In those situations do you freeze up or maybe you just don't share the same interest? Or, I've heard from many people with SA that they prefer structured conversations but don't like unstructured ones.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

VanDamme said:


> In those situations do you freeze up or maybe you just don't share the same interest? Or, I've heard from many people with SA that they prefer structured conversations but don't like unstructured ones.


Well, a bit of both. They all live in dorms and I don't. I go home every day. So whenever they bring up anything dorm related I can't really contribute to the conversation. But also in general when they talk about football for example I don't feel the need to say something about it. Most of the time I just agree with what they say (player X played horrible bla bla) but I don't bring it up myself.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> Well, a bit of both. They all live in dorms and I don't. I go home every day. So whenever they bring up anything dorm related I can't really contribute to the conversation. But also in general when they talk about football for example I don't feel the need to say something about it. Most of the time I just agree with what they say (player X played horrible bla bla) but I don't bring it up myself.


I see. I'm also "quiet" often since not many people share my interests and I'm often not interested in "common" topics. So, there's not much we can do about that.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers.

My initial goal of today was to get a girls number (see video of 1st post) or to give somebody a compliment. But it turned out this was way harder than expected 
I'll try again monday.
However I did approach 3 girls again today, again I simply asked for directions. The last girls said I could follow them since they were heading in the same direction. I asked them what they were studying . She answered. Then I went mute . Then she started talking to her friend and I was just walking next to them not interracting with them.
Oh and a last thing. I had to use the public restroom and a girl was taking picture of the drawing on the doors. So I asked her what she was doing . She told me it was a project for school. I said 'oh I see' and left. 
Could have said much more but I chickened out 
On the other hand, normally I wouldn't even ask what she was doing.. so a bit of improvement.

2.School
Same old. We ate pizza together but I was the one who almost never said anything during the conversation. I just nod lol

3.Online dating
Meh. Still the same

I'll update again on monday since I won't be doing much this weekend.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers.

Yes yes yea. I did it! 
I was back at my normal place with the goal to ask a girl for direction and maybe keep on talking after that.
But then a girl came sitting there on a bench , and started to eat a sandwish on her own. After about 10 min I went to her, asked her if i could sit next to her and started talking. I asked what she was studying and she answered and kept talking and talking 
Till her friend joined us. Then I told her I had to go to meet somebody and then I asked her number, which she gave me. She said: 'if you ever have questions about latin (which she was studying) shoot me a text'.
I'm super happy right now  

room for improvement:
1.Don't wait 10 *****ing minutes to approach her, you only make it more awkward
2.Be more funny. the conversation was way to serious.
3.Say more. The girl almost did all the talking.

Questions: What do I text her ?? lol

Again, any feedback would be greatly appriciated!!


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## peace_love (Oct 24, 2008)

Pieter1992 said:


> Update:
> 
> 1.Approaching strangers.
> 
> ...


Wow...great news! Just be honest with her in the text. If you enjoyed her conversation, say that. If you think she is pretty, say that etc. Let it flow naturally. Good luck and keep us updated!


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers
Didn't have much time today. I only had about 10 min free time. But I immediately approached the 2nd girl I saw walking by. She was wearing headphones and totally ignored me when I said hi. First time this happened  (obviously she was listening to something and didn't hear me). Then I went for a 2nd girl, again simply asked for directions and chickened out.

current immprovements made so far: I don't wait an hour anymore to approach somebody and I feel a bit more confident in doing it.

points to improve:
Talk louder. Talk slower and more clear. Don't say 'euh' every time you start a sentence. I'm basically still way to insecure in the way I act which doesn't reflect any confidence and we all know girls like confidence..

I also texted the girl from yesterday but it turned out she has given me a fake number. bummer. But I sort of expected it since our conversation was super casual (lots of small talk) and kind of boring (?) . There was no connection between us.

2.School
Had group assingment today. I was early and was alone with one girl of my group. I think it wasn't too awkward. But since we don't have much in common there wasn''t a lot to say either.

3.Online Dating
The girl I was talking to on okcupid ignores me . Again, I sort of expected this since our conversation wasn't flirty at all. And again, probably way too boring. 

points to improve: Don't stick to boring subjects to talk about, instead try saying something more daring/surprising. Be more confident

Obviously I'm not going to give up! I'm still on the learning curve ^^
Keep in mind that my goal isn't solely to get a girlfriend but to be more social in general. I think it will improve my overal life experiences. And it'll give me a lot more opportunities.
I'll update again tommorow!

As usual, any comments/advice/feedback is greatly appreciated!


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Congrats! You are definitely getting closer to your goals. 



Pieter1992 said:


> Didn't have much time today. I only had about 10 min free time. But I immediately approached the 2nd girl I saw walking by. She was wearing headphones and totally ignored me when I said hi. First time this happened  (obviously she was listening to something and didn't hear me).


Yep, the more you do things the more "exceptions" you will find. 

Most likely she was just listening to music and didn't hear you. Similar thing happened to me. I was walking toward an intersection (4 lanes both ways) and saw a guy on the other side with two miniature dachshunds. I was on the left side and he was crossing from the right. He started walking when his light turned to "walk", but only one of the dogs followed, the other stayed put. After crossing the intersection, the other dog also started to cross by itself. Fortunately, traffic wasn't busy and one left turning driver even honked to another left turner (going in the opposite direction) to pay attention. I was some distance away when I started seeing it but as the second dog started to cross by itself, I started to hurry toward the guy. I was trying to get his attention by speaking loudly but didn't help so I kept going toward him. By the time I got close, I was following him from the back. Since he didn't hear me, I touched his left shoulder to get his attention. Turned out, he also had earphones (the small ones) so that's why he didn't hear me. When I mentioned that one of his dogs wasn't with him, he asked "Where did I lose him?". I said: "On the other side of the intersection. But it still managed to cross by itself." Something happened with his leash of the second dog but at least things turned out ok.

Interestingly, some people with SA have also done similar things to "tune out" people or surrounding. In any event, it's great that you didn't take it personally as some people with SA do (due to rejection or other issues).



Pieter1992 said:


> current immprovements made so far: I don't wait an hour anymore to approach somebody and I feel a bit more confident in doing it.


That's definite progress! 



Pieter1992 said:


> Talk louder. Talk slower and more clear. Don't say 'euh' every time you start a sentence. I'm basically still way to insecure in the way I act which doesn't reflect any confidence and we all know girls like confidence..


Most women do. Sounds like you don't have worries (thinking issues) about approaching girls, it's mainly a nervousness issue (which in a way can sometimes interfere with thinking). There are ways to speed up becoming calm (i.e. reducing nervousness). It's so much easier for me now to approach anyone without being anxious/nervous and makes a huge difference in terms of what I'm capable and how others perceive it. If interested in a few ideas/techniques, let me know. But if you prefer the brute force long road, that's always always an option. 



Pieter1992 said:


> points to improve: Don't stick to boring subjects to talk about, instead try saying something more daring/surprising. Be more confident


Daring and surprising topics are good. Also, using humor can work or find out what's interesting or engaging to her. Another way is talk about something that you are passionate about. Then, the emotions will show (assuming nervousness doesn't inhibit you too much). When texting/chatting, you can also use adjectives to emphasize emotions. Or smilies/emoticons. 



Pieter1992 said:


> Obviously I'm not going to give up! I'm still on the learning curve ^^
> Keep in mind that my goal isn't solely to get a girlfriend but to be more social in general. I think it will improve my overal life experiences. And it'll give me a lot more opportunities.


That's the perfect attitude and approach!


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## imwiththedj (Dec 16, 2011)

How about getting a girl without having to do anything? That's how I'd go about doing it


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

VanDamme said:


> Congrats! You are definitely getting closer to your goals.
> 
> That's the perfect attitude and approach!


Thanks man!
Comments like this really keep me motivated!



imwiththedj said:


> How about getting a girl without having to do anything? That's how I'd go about doing it


Huh?
How do you see that happen?
Gotta put yourself out there to get a girlfriend.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

imwiththedj said:


> How about getting a girl without having to do anything? That's how I'd go about doing it





Pieter1992 said:


> How do you see that happen?
> Gotta put yourself out there to get a girlfriend.


His first sentence can be interpreted two ways. I think he means it it the girls who are not doing anything. e.g. sitting on a bench in a park, or casually walking around (but you know they are not on their way to somewhere).

But if it's the other, then I'd be also curious about what he means. Of course, we all know that if you have lots of money then that would be the case but I don't think that's what he means.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

update:

1.approach strangers
Didnt really go as i wanted it to go. I was too afraid to ask for a number. Instead I approach about 5 girls and asked for directions. I can't keep asking for directions all the time. At the end a guy came up to me and asked if I needed any help with something since he saw me half an hour ago aswell still standing on the same place. I told him I was just waiting. He sounded very kind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> update:
> 
> 1.approach strangers
> Didnt really go as i wanted it to go. I was too afraid to ask for a number.


If the fear is still too high when asking for a number, then maybe it's time to change the approach and focus on reducing the fear first. Otherwise, you'll be a person trying to dance with a nail in your foot ...

There are ways to reduce the fear with internal techniques, but if you prefer exposure then here's another person's "social mishap exposure": http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f25/social-mishap-exposure-therapy-1636529/
Lots of great ideas. Of course, you can always change it to suit your needs more.

The important thing is, keep going!


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## My Hearse (Aug 28, 2015)

imwiththedj said:


> How about getting a girl without having to do anything? That's how I'd go about doing it


Well.. you're Sasuke... he's not lol.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.approaching strangers

Another big step is made!
It took me about an hour and I was close to giving up but I didn't. After an hour of wandering around trying to approach a girl there was this one girl passing by. She was pretty and looked like a very nice and sweet lady. In my mind I knew this was the best opportunity I had. But when she passed me something was holding me back. I couldn't say hi. Then I ran a bit after her (like 5 meter), stopped her and said: 'hi. Can I ask you something? What's your number?' She giggled a bit and said 'My number? why?' Then I told her so we could meet up later. Then she said again in a giggling way 'noo'. Then I chickened out.
I was so happy I finally did it! 

And honestly I don't care she said no. I expected that anyways.
This was by far the hardest thing I've done so far but now I know I'm capable of doing this.

Next update will probably be on Wednesday since Mondag and Tuesday are holidays.

As usual, any feedback is greatly appreciated!!
Also, i'm very curious. How often would a girl get approached by a guy during the day who is interested in her?


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> Then I ran a bit after her (like 5 meter), stopped her and said: 'hi. Can I ask you something? What's your number?' She giggled a bit and said 'My number? why?' Then I told her so we could meet up later. Then she said again in a giggling way 'noo'. Then I chickened out.


If you had a way to reply that, you would've significantly increased your chance. There are many factors at play so can't say for sure if she would've said yes after that, but most women will place "tests" to see who which men is the "best" (e.g. persistent, creative, etc). So, come up with something for next time.



Pieter1992 said:


> Also, i'm very curious. How often would a girl get approached by a guy during the day who is interested in her?


My guess is that this isn't the best place to ask. You'd have to ask girls for that. In fact, why don't ask girls that question next time? That sounds like a unique opener that they probably haven't heard.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

VanDamme said:


> My guess is that this isn't the best place to ask. You'd have to ask girls for that. In fact, why don't ask girls that question next time? That sounds like a unique opener that they probably haven't heard.


That's a good idea. Might try it. Can't promise anything since today was almost a failure 
I still need to get more comfortable in those situations. I guess it takes lots of practise.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> I still need to get more comfortable in those situations. I guess it takes lots of practise.


The exposure based practice is interesting. For some it helps to reduce the fear, for others it doesn't. For me, it didn't. I went to Toastmasters (group to improve public speaking skill) but there was no change after 9 months. Plus, did a lot of other activities as well. So, I looked for other ways and eventually found methods that worked.

Since you are doing the activities every day, I'd say if you find that the fear doesn't decrease after a few months then chances are you aren't addressing the *root* of the fear issue. In that case, if you interested exploring other ways, let me know.


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## Ameenah (Mar 21, 2012)

Pieter1992 said:


> Hi all!
> 
> This thread is meant to be a sort of diary to keep track of my progress I made. In the end I hope to finally manage to get a girlfriend. That's my ultimate goal . But other goals include: being more social, more comfortable in social situations etc.
> 
> ...


Your doing great! I'm happy to see someone on here taking their life back from SA. The only advice I have for you is to not dwell on online dating not working out. It rarely does. I'm very happy for you &#128079;&#128079;&#128079;


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers

Yesterday night I went out with a friend who is as shy as me. Norrmally when we go out we don't do a lot and just stand there and see how other guys seduce girls etc.
Well, tonight was.. the same 
But at the end of the night when we were out the club I approached 2 girls on the street, asked them what their plans were for tonight. We talked for about 5 min but it was pretty obvious they weren't interested. Then later that night I approached another 3 girls , again asking the same question. And one of the girls started to hug me and kiss my cheeck out of the blue. I just let it happen. Then we talked a bit with them but they were reallyyy drunk , so eventually they just went their own way and didn't really care about us anymore.

Normally I'd never go up to girls like this, but yesterday I did.
I'm not sure what the reason was for it. Maybe it's because of my exposure to those sort of situations during the past week, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe something else. But anyway, I am happy with the improvements.
But actually dancing with a girl in the club is still too hard for now.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> Then later that night I approached another 3 girls , again asking the same question. And one of the girls started to hug me and kiss my cheeck out of the blue. I just let it happen. Then we talked a bit with them but they were reallyyy drunk , so eventually they just went their own way and didn't really care about us anymore.
> 
> Normally I'd never go up to girls like this, but yesterday I did.
> I'm not sure what the reason was for it. Maybe it's because of my exposure to those sort of situations during the past week, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe something else. But anyway, I am happy with the improvements.


I had similar situations where I was either walking on the street or waiting for the bus and drunk a few drunk girls walked by. Those are good situations to try crazy/entertaining things since chances are they won't remember anyways.  If you can, make it relevant to the situation or just ask everyone to pretend fly like an airplane.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

update:

1. approaching strangers

could't do it today. I approached 1 girl and asked for directions.
Will try again tomorrow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.approaching strangers

I guess a little triumph again today.
I approach about 8 girls today.All simply asking for directions. One time I asked her name first , but then I quickly went into 'safe mode' again and asked for directions and chickened out. 2 girls were heading the same direction as I had to go so I asked them what they studied. But I didn't ask anything else besides that. Then they left.

I decided to go home and when I was already on my bike a girl passed my. I told her she had a nice scarf. She said thanks! I think this was the first time I actually complimented a girl. So that's good. Again something new I did today.

Yesterday I was close to giving up. I felt like it didn't do anything. But today I had the right mindset again.
However I noticed that when I have the thought to approach a girl and ask for directions it doesn't stop me to approach her, but when I have the thought of approaching a girl and asking her name I freeze up when I want to do the approach and let the girl pass. This is something I still need to overcome.

I'll update again tomorrow

And as usual, feedback is greatly appreciated. It motivates me a lot!


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## Blag (Dec 12, 2014)

Pieter1992 said:


> And as usual, feedback is greatly appreciated. It motivates me a lot!


Yo bro, keep it going, sounds ****ing awesome! Although i feel like you're going about this wrong. I get that you're talking to girls and stuff. But i guess you're going a bit ahead by comparing yourself/trying to flirt/seduce girls. First be comfortable talking with girls as you will with boys, then begin the seduction  . I think you'll fare much better than those other guys, your confidence will be huge.

And, are you gymming? I felt that gymming gave me quite a confidence boost. And ofcourse, when girls see a good figure, they'll listen to you more attentively. Also, the resultant increase in testosterone from physical exercises always helps.

I wish i could do the same thing, but there are no girls where i live. And asking directions will sound just really really stupid (im in a remote campus). With guys, i ofcourse ask and interact, girls? Just can't :/ .


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Blag said:


> Yo bro, keep it going, sounds ****ing awesome! Although i feel like you're going about this wrong. I get that you're talking to girls and stuff. But i guess you're going a bit ahead by comparing yourself/trying to flirt/seduce girls. First be comfortable talking with girls as you will with boys, then begin the seduction  . I think you'll fare much better than those other guys, your confidence will be huge.
> 
> And, are you gymming? I felt that gymming gave me quite a confidence boost. And ofcourse, when girls see a good figure, they'll listen to you more attentively. Also, the resultant increase in testosterone from physical exercises always helps.
> 
> I wish i could do the same thing, but there are no girls where i live. And asking directions will sound just really really stupid (im in a remote campus). With guys, i ofcourse ask and interact, girls? Just can't :/ .


I get what you are saying.
Also, I'm not gymming. I did it for bout a month but I'm a skinny guy. Did barely see any improvements after that month so I quit.

Update

1.Appoaching strangers

I didn't feel it today. I obligated myself to not ask for directions this time. Wih as result that I walked around doing nothng for god damn almost 3 hours. But at the very end I stopped a girl said hi and asked her what the meaning of life is 
She gave me a cliche answer . life is about being happy bla bla  We 'talked' for about 1 min, then I chickened out. 
I was a little surprised about how relax the girl was when answering. She didn't seem to find my question weird at all.

Anyways, I still have a long road ahead. Can't waste 3 hours to only do that -_-
It's still a big mental problem. The fact that I'm doing something which is not 'normal'. It's so hard for me to get over that.


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## Blag (Dec 12, 2014)

Pieter1992 said:


> I did it for bout a month but I'm a skinny guy. Did barely see any improvements after that month so I quit.


Can we talk bout this? Im a skinny guy too, i.e. was. I was at about 16.2 BMI, my lowest ever (lasted for 3 weeks) was 15. whats yours? My (when i gymmed & dieted for 3-4 months) went up to 19 BMI. One month isn't enough for "significant differences". You'll need atleast a year if you want to jump 10 kilos.
I'll tell you something, i too used to think that im not built for increasing weight at all. i jumped from 16.2 to 19 in 3 months of continuous gymming with a strictly vegetarian (including dairy) diet(this diet was heavy with cottage cheese and butter), and at home with the help of a home gym and my dad. Since then i believe nothing's impossible  .



Pieter1992 said:


> But at the very end I stopped a girl said hi and asked her what the meaning of life is


3 hrs, i'm impressed by your motivation! I used to be like that once, the first question i used to ask other guys often was "what is the meaning of existence?" or "what do you think of god?" or "how devoted are you to your religion?" stuff like that. Now i know how to get that information, without asking those questions directly. But keep it going bro!


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> I was a little surprised about how relax the girl was when answering. She didn't seem to find my question weird at all.


It's a spectrum. People with SA or introversion are on one end, people like that girl are on the other. Extroverts will take any opportunity to talk to others (assuming the other person isn't strange, creepy, weird, etc) That's why a lot of guys who do similar "day game" style pickup approaches are able to find girls to talk to on the street, in the bookstore, etc.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Blag said:


> Can we talk bout this? Im a skinny guy too, i.e. was. I was at about 16.2 BMI, my lowest ever (lasted for 3 weeks) was 15. whats yours? My (when i gymmed & dieted for 3-4 months) went up to 19 BMI. One month isn't enough for "significant differences". You'll need atleast a year if you want to jump 10 kilos.
> I'll tell you something, i too used to think that im not built for increasing weight at all. i jumped from 16.2 to 19 in 3 months of continuous gymming with a strictly vegetarian (including dairy) diet(this diet was heavy with cottage cheese and butter), and at home with the help of a home gym and my dad. Since then i believe nothing's impossible  .


Damn nice. I think my BMI is about the same. But I'd rather improve socially than physically so I like to devote most of my time trying to become more social than working out right now, because I think it'll benefit me more in later stages of my life. 
Ofcourse working out is good for you aswell, but i believe becoming more social is a skill I'll need much more in my further life. So instead of working out I'd go out and do social excersises.



Blag said:


> 3 hrs, i'm impressed by your motivation! I used to be like that once, the first question i used to ask other guys often was "what is the meaning of existence?" or "what do you think of god?" or "how devoted are you to your religion?" stuff like that. Now i know how to get that information, without asking those questions directly. But keep it going bro!


Have you ever asked the same questions to random girls? And if not, why not? They are humans too, just like guys ^^



VanDamme said:


> It's a spectrum. People with SA or introversion are on one end, people like that girl are on the other. Extroverts will take any opportunity to talk to others (assuming the other person isn't strange, creepy, weird, etc) That's why a lot of guys who do similar "day game" style pickup approaches are able to find girls to talk to on the street, in the bookstore, etc.


Yea, you are totally right. 
You really do know a lot about this it seems.
Extroverts don't know how hard it is for an introvert to be social,since they aren't in that situation. It's so annoying. 'Just be more social' ughh

also update

3.Online Dating

Since the girl on Okcupid didn't seem to have much interest I told her about my situation and the fact that I never had a gf. It probably was a stupid idea but whatever. She'll never date me now  Then we talked a bit more. Then I asked her out. She never really said yes or no and now she's acting a bit annoyed -_-
Ah well, didn't expect much of online dating anyways.
I hope we can still meet up as friends in a later stadium. It'd be a good exercise to become more talkative.


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## Blag (Dec 12, 2014)

Pieter1992 said:


> Damn nice. I think my BMI is about the same. But I'd rather improve socially than physically so I like to devote most of my time trying to become more social than working out right now, because I think it'll benefit me more in later stages of my life.


Dude its just half an hour a day man. Saying that gymming takes too much time is a excuse i cannot accept. Plus, why not both, physical progress and social progress. I won't force you do to so, but* the time argument is very weak imo*. Improving socially will help further in life nonetheless, but improving physically will also help you further in life too. Or you can just do daily jogging exercises, thats good too.
*Who said you can't do both?*



Pieter1992 said:


> Have you ever asked the same questions to random girls? And if not, why not? They are humans too, just like guys ^^


Where i currently am, there's 1 girl for every 8 boys (remotely located campus) + I am way behind than you are + i don't ask random guys for directions , only freshers ask for directions in the campus.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> Yea, you are totally right.
> You really do know a lot about this it seems.
> Extroverts don't know how hard it is for an introvert to be social,since they aren't in that situation. It's so annoying. 'Just be more social' ughh
> 
> ...


My experience comes from 2 areas: 
-observation
-learning

I'd say, compared to the average person with SA, my life wasn't "too bad". While SA was very intense in a lot of situations, I was somehow able to push through. Of course, that did limit me often and I wasn't as free as a normal person. Yet, I managed to find a gf and in some way participate in most social activities that I wanted to.

That's how I was able to observer people in many situations and when something didn't make sense, I learned about it. Being in a relaionship was interesting. You probably heard about the different communication styles of men and women (in general). I wasn't aware of it at that time but after a while, there were situations where my ex gf said something and I suspected that something else is going on (i.e. what she SAID was different from what she actually MEANT). There were other reasons why the relationship didn't work out but I kept thinking about those types of issues and looked them up. Then it made so much sense. Almost like going to another country (or planet) where the road signals are completely different from what you are used to. Then, to make things more complicated, there are different types of people with different beliefs, values, etc. But if you have a certain level of awareness, then you can not only avoid issues from the start, but improve/get results that much faster.

So, that's why I recommend working on the "inside" first (both SA, relationships, etc). If you do, things will be not only faster but easier.

As an example, that's why so many guys have no idea about the "friend zone". Either that the girl has already moved them there or if they become aware of it, then why?


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Blag said:


> Dude its just half an hour a day man. Saying that gymming takes too much time is a excuse i cannot accept. Plus, why not both, physical progress and social progress. I won't force you do to so, but* the time argument is very weak imo*. Improving socially will help further in life nonetheless, but improving physically will also help you further in life too. Or you can just do daily jogging exercises, thats good too.
> *Who said you can't do both?*


I hate to admit but you are right. Lack of time is a bad excuse. I just don't have to motivation to spend half an hour a day working out right now. I'm tired when I'm home and then I like to relax 



Blag said:


> Where i currently am, there's 1 girl for every 8 boys (remotely located campus) + I am way behind than you are + i don't ask random guys for directions , only freshers ask for directions in the campus.


Not sure if I understood correctly but didn't you mention something about asking the meaning of existence etc. Did you ask your friends or random guys?
You're way behind? In what way?



VanDamme said:


> So, that's why I recommend working on the "inside" first (both SA, relationships, etc). If you do, things will be not only faster but easier.
> 
> As an example, that's why so many guys have no idea about the "friend zone". Either that the girl has already moved them there or if they become aware of it, then why?


Working on the inside. hmm I always thought practise is the best method. Trial and error. But like you said every person has his/her own way of doing things.
I just don't really get how you can work on the inside. I mean I can read tons about the subject and do mental exercises but in the end you still need to go out and actually do it? Friends/a girlfriend won't magically appear.
'Normal' people don't practise special techniques either, and they also manage to get a gf.


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## VanDamme (Jun 8, 2004)

Pieter1992 said:


> Working on the inside. hmm I always thought practise is the best method. Trial and error. But like you said every person has his/her own way of doing things.
> I just don't really get how you can work on the inside. I mean I can read tons about the subject and do mental exercises but in the end you still need to go out and actually do it? Friends/a girlfriend won't magically appear.
> 'Normal' people don't practise special techniques either, and they also manage to get a gf.


I agree. Some parts need to be practiced but for other parts trial and error may not be the best approach since "normal" people don't have to deal with anxiety/fear issues.

Let's look at driving. First, you need to learn about the car and what the traffic signs and signals. This can be done on the "inside". Then, you go out and practice until you "master" driving. This way, you can learn a lot about how people communicate, relationships, etc. If you didn't learn about the signs (e.g. you didn't know that red light means stop), how many "trial and error" (i.e. crashes) would you need to learn? That's why there are separate test before you are actually allowed on the road.

So, yes.The skill part needs to be practiced.

By "inside" I mean two areas:
-awareness
-emotional management (both in terms of removing negative emotions such as fears or putting yourself into various positive states)

When it comes to other gender nnd relationships, trial and error is not even going to work because ... by default, people aren't even aware of certain things. The only thing people will be aware of ... is more and more issues and fights.

Going back to the driving example, let's say someone doesn't want to drive because they have a really intense fear of being on bridges. In that case, for some exposure may work (will take time) but for some it doesn't. But there are approaches that can significantly reduce that fear.

You mentioned having difficulty approaching and talking to girls. If the issue is conversation skill (e.g. how to start a conversation or small talk), then you can read about that and need to practice. However, if the issue is fear of rejection, making a mistake or other anxiety/fear issue, then that's similar to the fear of going over a bridge. You may be lucky and it'll be resolved over time but for some that doesn't help. But, as mentioned, there are ways that can deal with the anxiety/fear more effectively.

I hope it makes more sense now.


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## Blag (Dec 12, 2014)

Pieter1992 said:


> Did you ask your friends or random guys?


I only did this in the first year, thats when one is expected to approach strangers. After that, nobody is supposed to be a stranger.


Pieter1992 said:


> You're way behind? In what way?


A girl was waving at me and approached me, i ****ing ran like i was trying to save my life. Thats when i realised how bad my condition is  . Thats how far behind i am from where you are.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update


1.approaching strangers

I only needed 1 hour to ask a girl the meaning of life 
I tried to keep the conversation going since she wasn't that talkative herself. But it didn't go too well. I'm the worst conversationalist. Awkward silence , stupid questions etc. Eventually I left.

2.School

I feel a bit more comfortable in the group I am in for my assignment. Sometimes I try to engage in the not-school related conversations . But I always keep it safe. Saying things like : 'I really agree' or 'Did you really do that?' I'd never make a bold statement.

3.Online Dating

Well.. The girl of okcupid said: If you really want to meet up with me, then that's ok for me I guess.

What do I say now? 
I feel like if we would meet up it'd be deadly awkward.like more awkward than saying happy birthday at a funural -_-


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## pmsmom (Nov 3, 2015)

Best wishes to you on your journey. You can do it!


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

I failed. god damn it!

I don't understand myself. My life can only get better if I approach people and say hi. But no, for some reason I'm too afraid.
I was like 'oh that girl looks friendly. I should definetly say something when she passes me. I have nothing to loose. I'm going to do it!' 2 seconds later: 'ah god, she passed me'   

wtf brain! why can't I just do it!! so frustrating

Will probably update again tomorrow.


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers

Today I asked a girl what 'netflix and chill' means. She didn't know what it meant lol. Bummer.
Anyway, I wasted an hour before I could actually do it. Still don't understand why it takes me so long. Or I still don't understand the reason why I can do it at the end. Meh.

My initial plan was to ask a girl to netflix and chill, but I couldn't do that


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

Update:

1.Approaching strangers

I went out last night with a friend. I approach about 4 girls. I just opened them with a line like 'hey, what are your plans for tonight?' But none of them seemed interested and the conversation died after about 5 min or so. So my question is: how do I make sure they are interested? Wtf do I say to get and keep their attention.

And secondly, it sometimes happen when I'm in the club (with loud music) a guy comes up to me and say like 'hey, have you met -insert name of female friend-. Then I say hi to that girl, she says hi back. And then I kind of just stand there awkwardly. Then the guy say 'Isn't she hot?' I agree. But I have no idea what to do in that situation. What to say to her. And you can't really say a lot since the music is so loud anyways. but obviously standing there and doing nothing isn't the way to go


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

update:

1. approaching strangers

Today I sat in the library. I asked 3 girls what they were studying. I was so nervous to ask. I felt my heart pounding
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pieter1992 (May 4, 2013)

update:

I didn't update in a while.
I wasn't too satisfied with my current results. The progress was very little (but it is progress).
So today I decided to make an appointment with a therapist to hopefully accelarate the process of becoming more social/less afraid of social situations.


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## derpasaurus (Feb 1, 2015)

It's great that you're taking the bull by the horns, man 

The problem with this strategy, imo, is that you only get efficient at what you're doing, but it won't fix the core issue, the root cause of your anxiety. I agree with VanDamme in that you must work on the inside. Find other ways to boost your confidence and meet discomfort - take cold showers, go to the gym, join a salsa class, etc. But do continue these exposure practices, also, if they seem to be working. It's just that when you're not making progress or even meet failure in social situations, it can feel that much disheartening than meeting failure in lifting weights, for example. The key is to learn not to feel disheartened and carry on. Be consistent and disciplined in what you do.

I speak from my own experience. I did a challenge to talk with strangers every day for a month, and while I got pretty confident at approaching strangers and making small talk, in the end, I was still as anxious as before. I did gain temporary confidence every time after socializing, but it didn't last that long.

Whatever you choose to do, don't give up. Steady, slow progress is better than no progress at all


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## monolo (Nov 18, 2015)

derpasaurus said:


> The problem with this strategy, imo, is that you only get efficient at what you're doing, but it won't fix the core issue, the root cause of your anxiety.


Really agree with that.

I think perhaps you're getting stuck on these exposure situations, simply because there is no real driving motivation to keep the conversation going. You may be losing your focus or motivation for doing it in the first place.

To break out of the rut, you could try doing some stuff that you've never thought of doing. I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe you could try to do some social activities that you're actually interested in, like playing sports, board games etc. If you are interested in philosophy, you could maybe find a group that discusses philosophy (at meetup.com?).

Personally, I've never tried exposure therapies myself. Although, I remember that I was jogging around the block one time (and I had watched this video about passing on a simple good deed), and so I spontaneously said 'Have a good day' to a random passer-by. The guy was a bit shocked but he did say 'you too'. And I felt pretty good after that. 

So as mentioned, the confidence boost can be great but might only be temporal. Maybe you can continue but try to keep it spontaneous, don't be miserable doing it 

But seriously, I think it's really cool that you have the courage to do these things. Also, you seem very determined and persistent in your strategies, and that is what I find amazing. Keep it up and keep us updated man.


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