# Personal questions at work.



## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

So today I commented that I'm going to be 35 in April. A coworker asked when I was going to get married and told me I needed a woman in my life. Ugh. Why do people say things like that? It's so nosy.


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## Grog (Sep 13, 2013)

I thought you were going to say 

Like what colour underwear are you wearing 
Or 
So um how often do you tug a slug . 
But noo 
It's a boring when are you getting married question , snooze . 

He he he


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## andy1984 (Aug 18, 2006)

well when are you?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

NoDak81 said:


> So today I commented that I'm going to be 35 in April. A coworker asked when I was going to get married and told me I needed a woman in my life. Ugh. Why do people say things like that? It's so nosy.


 Sometimes they're just awkward and clueless remarks. Everybody does it from time to time. More often people like that are just being jerks. Ignore it.


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## Xenacat (Oct 20, 2015)

Say I enjoy being single. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Or you can NOYB - None of Your Bizness......


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

andy1984 said:


> well when are you?


Don't know, I'll have to get interested in dating again first. :wink2:


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Xenacat said:


> Say I enjoy being single. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Or you can NOYB - None of Your Bizness......


I wonder how this lady would respond to that.


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## Q003 (Jun 24, 2015)

Why does she think you need a wife in your life? I would laugh if someone ever told me I needed a husband or boyfriend in my life.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Q003 said:


> Why does she think you need a wife in your life? I would laugh if someone ever told me I needed a husband or boyfriend in my life.


I don't know why people are so nosy like that.


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## HannahG (Aug 31, 2010)

I've had that question too. It pisses me off because when I tell them the truth: 1) All the men I've met that I like are either married or gay... OR they're losers (seriously, they are dumb, slobs, disrespectful, rude, a-holes). And 2) I won't marry unless I'm in love and in a stable relationship.

People seem to think I'm sabotaging myself when I say the above, they don't believe me. They think there's something wrong with me. I mean, this is without them knowing about my SA. Seriously though, I know so many women that married total a-holes that can't hold down a job, who are mean and rude to them, and aren't even _trying_... just so they could get married and have kids. It makes me sad to think that this happens. I never want that to be me.

And yet, it's like there's something wrong with us because we haven't chosen to marry out of desperation. Makes no sense whatsoever.

But that question about getting married and having kids, it's so personal and it too baffles me that people feel a need to ask it. We're in the 21st century and lots of people choose to marry when they want or choose not to have children so why do they feel it's still an acceptable question? Totally idiotic.


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## AnnaThunderVale (Feb 1, 2016)

I hate getting asked personal questions. Especially the shocked look when they find out I don't want kids. I'm still unsure how to answer, if I do not want to answer a question.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

HannahG said:


> I've had that question too. It pisses me off because when I tell them the truth: 1) All the men I've met that I like are either married or gay... OR they're losers (seriously, they are dumb, slobs, disrespectful, rude, a-holes). And 2) I won't marry unless I'm in love and in a stable relationship.
> 
> People seem to think I'm sabotaging myself when I say the above, they don't believe me. They think there's something wrong with me. I mean, this is without them knowing about my SA. Seriously though, I know so many women that married total a-holes that can't hold down a job, who are mean and rude to them, and aren't even _trying_... just so they could get married and have kids. It makes me sad to think that this happens. I never want that to be me.
> 
> ...


I know I'm not in a hurry to settle. I just moved to a new town and am not sure what the dating scene is, but in my old town it was women who had litters of children with several men you had to choose from. I wasn't about to settle then and won't now.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

AnnaThunderVale said:


> I hate getting asked personal questions. Especially the shocked look when they find out I don't want kids. I'm still unsure how to answer, if I do not want to answer a question.


I'd like to know the polite way to answer that question as well. Because I just want to cuss people out when they say that.


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## thinkstoomuch101 (Jun 7, 2012)

I travel a lot, and people that are contractors in my field get treated like "aliens"..

Here are few personal questions that coworkers at different facilities* stood around in a group* and asked:

1. Are you married?

2. So, if you've been with your boyfriend for so long, why don't you marry him?

3. Are you sure you have boyfriend? Ladies like you shouldn't be wandering around without a boyfriend.

4. Sooo, how many kids do you have?

5. Why don't you want kids? everybody wants kids!

6. But you'd make a great mother! You should have kids! Why wouldn't you want to have kids?

7. Since you work out a lot, what do you eat?

8. Can i touch your arms? (Even before they finish asking the question - they're already grabbing my arms and shoulders)..

9. Why do you travel by yourself?

And yep.. it gets worse. Being a contractor, we have to be polite, while these fools are standing around in a group "ogling" you because you're gone to places and worked that many of them have never heard of. It's the weirdest thing to be in a room, while people are literally standing around you in a group and asking questions as if you're being "interviewed" or some weird "species"..

And folks wonder why we have SA?


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## thinkstoomuch101 (Jun 7, 2012)

i think the best way to "field" these questions, is how many of us have done in the past:

1) yes

2) no

3) That's personal..


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

thinkstoomuch101 said:


> I travel a lot, and people that are contractors in my field get treated like "aliens"..
> 
> Here are few personal questions that coworkers at different facilities* stood around in a group* and asked:
> 
> ...


Why do they want to touch your arms? I couldn't imagine being interrogated like that.


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## thinkstoomuch101 (Jun 7, 2012)

i'm an ex-sports model, bodybuilder..

when someone points out that i "look pretty buff" - even under over-sized scrubs - which doesn't mean anything in my opinion - the first thing people do is grab your arms. It's automatic. The second thing they do is - tell athletic people to - do a bicep pose. Which I don't do.

There was one place i worked at in York, PA. A very small town that had never encountered certain races other than male, white and christian.

They were all standing around in a circle asking me questions. Because i am non-white? One of the younger coworkers asked:

*"Can i touch you?"*

I am not kidding.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

thinkstoomuch101 said:


> i'm an ex-sports model, bodybuilder..
> 
> when someone points out that i "look pretty buff" - even under over-sized scrubs - which doesn't mean anything in my opinion - the first thing people do is grab your arms. It's automatic. The second thing they do is - tell athletic people to - do a bicep pose. Which I don't do.
> 
> ...


That is so bizarre.


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## monotonous (Feb 1, 2013)

if you are happy be alone till you die so be it, don't let what other people say change your belief


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## bbarn (Dec 22, 2007)

people at work noticed I got embarrassed when I didn't tell people my age and when they found out they were pretty shocked i was that old.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

bbarn said:


> people at work noticed I got embarrassed when I didn't tell people my age and when they found out they were pretty shocked i was that old.


You must work with some pretty young people.


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## bbarn (Dec 22, 2007)

NoDak81 said:


> You must work with some pretty young people.


No actually quite the opposite. I work with mostly older people i'm only 1 of 5 people that are in there 20s/30s


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

bbarn said:


> No actually quite the opposite. I work with mostly older people i'm only 1 of 5 people that are in there 20s/30s


Gossipy old biddies?


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## lonerroom (May 16, 2015)

NoDak81 said:


> So today I commented that I'm going to be 35 in April. A coworker asked when I was going to get married and told me I needed a woman in my life. Ugh. Why do people say things like that? It's so nosy.


If someone asks you a nosy question, maybe you should ask them when they are getting a nose job, at least to make them realize how nosy they were being.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

lonerroom said:


> If someone asks you a nosy question, maybe you should ask them when they are getting a nose job, at least to make them realize how nosy they were being.


Maybe I should try that.


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## lonerroom (May 16, 2015)

NoDak81 said:


> Maybe I should try that.


You really should try that, I will do the same, then tell me how it went and when I also do it I will also tell you how it went.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

lonerroom said:


> You really should try that, I will do the same, then tell me how it went and when I also do it I will also tell you how it went.


If I get the opportunity I'll let you know.


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## Russalka (Feb 13, 2016)

Once in a while at work I get asked why I'm not in a relationship. It really annoys me because it's none of their business. However, I just tell them that I have no time for one with my really busy work schedule, which is actually true.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Russalka said:


> Once in a while at work I get asked why I'm not in a relationship. It really annoys me because it's none of their business. However, I just tell them that I have no time for one with my really busy work schedule, which is actually true.


I don't get why coworkers think they need to ask that.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi @NoDak81. I'm 31 in April and given nothing special or indeed anything at all was arranged for me on my milestone 30th last year, I've decided to no longer mention birthdays. My birthday falls on a Monday and I will be in work. I think a few might remember (someone else has their birthday the day before mine), but I suspect upwards of three quarters will forget.

You'll find men are often shamed if they remain single above a certain age. I don't know why this is the case, but there seems to be a 'race' as to tie us down as soon as possible. I do regularly get asked when am I going to get a girlfriend and that, apparently, all it takes is 'confidence'. Ahhh... I see . I need to change my characteristics to become an egotistical alpha just to satisfy those who are hooked-up with someone and think that this is the path everyone should take. For some reason, being single as a man is wrong in today's harsh social standards and if you don't have one, there's either something seriously wrong with you or you're gay. I've been openly accused of both more times than I care to remember. However, the fact is quite simple. As I'm a quieter male and mature for my age, I'm deemed undateable in the eyes of most women. I know some may argue that this isn't the case but if I'm wrong, then why do I remain not only a virgin, but someone who's never had the chance to even date?

I left my previous job in the summer of 2010 when I was 25. By then, I was getting absolutely ripped apart from most staff members there because I remained a dateless virgin. Imagine if I was still there, coming up for six years on, with absolutely zero change to my situation? :um

Most of my work colleagues claim to offer 'help' to me in order to get me out more, but all they've proven to do is to be nothing but a hindrance to me and further confirmed what I already know about myself and how other's always single me out for criticism.

If and when I do change jobs again, I certainly won't be anywhere near as open with people. I thought that by opening up it may have made some people understand my plight. Instead, all it's done is make matters worse. I say I want to start going out more and instead of taking baby steps, they want me to be immediately like Usain Bolt . If I refuse to jump in at the deep end, I'm accused of 'putting up barriers' when they don't know that just going out in itself is an awful lot of effort on my part. I say I would like a girlfriend and instead of advising how shy guys can do this, they instead say I need to go to sleazy places, meet new people (yes, with SA... :no I know... I've tried explaining this) and if I don't, then quite clearly it's somehow all my fault. Yet, if someone else in work is looking for love, they're generally left alone and allowed to go to pubs e.t.c and get 'pats on the back' for doing so. I do this, yet for me they like to keep on moving the goalposts and say what I do is never enough.

The absolute worst offenders for looking 'down' on you are young couples who think the sun shines out of their backsides. They put themselves up on that relationship pedestal and then start throwing accusations and assumptions back down to those who haven't been as lucky as themselves. They can't accept that being single is also a perfectly acceptable and equally as responsible way of life. This is what's wrong with society today. Expectation levels are too high and people like ourselves, who can't find anyone, are endlessly ridiculed and looked upon as if we're children :?. This, of course, does nothing to make things easier and then these people genuinely wonder why we are the way we are.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Hayman said:


> Hi @NoDak81. I'm 31 in April and given nothing special or indeed anything at all was arranged for me on my milestone 30th last year, I've decided to no longer mention birthdays. My birthday falls on a Monday and I will be in work. I think a few might remember (someone else has their birthday the day before mine), but I suspect upwards of three quarters will forget.
> 
> You'll find men are often shamed if they remain single above a certain age. I don't know why this is the case, but there seems to be a 'race' as to tie us down as soon as possible. I do regularly get asked when am I going to get a girlfriend and that, apparently, all it takes is 'confidence'. Ahhh... I see . I need to change my characteristics to become an egotistical alpha just to satisfy those who are hooked-up with someone and think that this is the path everyone should take. For some reason, being single as a man is wrong in today's harsh social standards and if you don't have one, there's either something seriously wrong with you or you're gay. I've been openly accused of both more times than I care to remember. However, the fact is quite simple. As I'm a quieter male and mature for my age, I'm deemed undateable in the eyes of most women. I know some may argue that this isn't the case but if I'm wrong, then why do I remain not only a virgin, but someone who's never had the chance to even date?
> 
> ...


This is a new job and I've definitely done my best to not give too much personal information about myself. However, I've noticed it's older people who think I'm supposed to be married. I haven't really had the experience with young couples.


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## huesos (Feb 16, 2016)

I try not to talk about personal matters at work. I've been asked if I have a boyfriend or husband, or if I have or want kids. I have neither and I want neither. Shouldn't that be a good thing when it comes to work, so I can dedicate more time to my job?


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

I think it's funny when so called "normal" people aren't perceptive enough to pick up on verbal cues like this. Do they really even give the slightest thought to what they're saying and how they're saying it? Pfft...and they say we're the one's with the problems. Riiiiiiiight. :roll
Yeah, it's happened a few times to me too(mostly when starting a new job) and I either give one word answers or put on my ahole face...or both. After a while, they take the hint.


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## The Crimson King (Jul 25, 2015)

NoDak81 said:


> So today I commented that I'm going to be 35 in April. A coworker asked when I was going to get married and told me I needed a woman in my life. Ugh. Why do people say things like that? It's so nosy.


My friends never asked me that thank goodness. That's mostly because they are all older than me and aren't married themselves, they do have kids though. I don't know of anyone in my age group or younger that are married come to think of it.

Most of them either just live together or have kids with someone they are no longer with.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

huesos said:


> I try not to talk about personal matters at work. I've been asked if I have a boyfriend or husband, or if I have or want kids. I have neither and I want neither. Shouldn't that be a good thing when it comes to work, so I can dedicate more time to my job?


Why don't people just do their jobs at work? Don't pry, do what you're paid to do.


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

jsgt said:


> I think it's funny when so called "normal" people aren't perceptive enough to pick up on verbal cues like this. Do they really even give the slightest thought to what they're saying and how they're saying it? Pfft...and they say we're the one's with the problems. Riiiiiiiight. :roll
> Yeah, it's happened a few times to me too(mostly when starting a new job) and I either give one word answers or put on my ahole face...or both. After a while, they take the hint.


Are you talking about reading between the lines?


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## visualkeirockstar (Aug 5, 2012)

I hate when coworkers or anyone who talk about girls.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

NoDak81 said:


> This is a new job and I've definitely done my best to not give too much personal information about myself. However, I've noticed it's older people who think I'm supposed to be married. I haven't really had the experience with young couples.


It's funny how some people ground information out about each other. I don't know why they can't let people mind their own business. It's all very well casually talking to people. I don't mind that providing I'm spoken to in the same way as other people (very rare). However, what I do have an issue with is when they start discussing relationships. Despite what people say, you really are judged in this respect.

Older people do tend to ask the usual marriage questions, yes. However, they seem to be a little more discreet with the way they approach. Particularly those upwards of 50 years old.

Younger couples (lets just say under 35 for example) are the ones who'll heavily probe and critisise almost anyone who isn't also coupled up. It doesn't matter what you say - you're 'wrong' for being single and you should be shamed for being so. As I've said before, they put themselves up on that pedestal of 'lifetime achievements' and will look 'down' on those who aren't following themselves or simply don't have the luck they've had. This is how I lost my former best friend.

The fact of the matter is that single people are wide open to critisism - especially the older you get if you haven't managed to 'materalise' a partner. You don't see single people asking "_Why are you two together? Why aren't you single?_" do you? We'd be castrated for saying so. However, without any fear of ridicule, it seems perfectly fair to say "_Why are you single? Why haven't you 'found' someone yet? Are you gay?_". I've had all those these belittling and accusing questions thrown at me many times...


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Hayman said:


> It's funny how some people ground information out about each other. I don't know why they can't let people mind their own business. It's all very well casually talking to people. I don't mind that providing I'm spoken to in the same way as other people (very rare). However, what I do have an issue with is when they start discussing relationships. Despite what people say, you really are judged in this respect.
> 
> Older people do tend to ask the usual marriage questions, yes. However, they seem to be a little more discreet with the way they approach. Particularly those upwards of 50 years old.
> 
> ...


Yes, it really is offensive how people ask questions about someone being single. It's often in a very belittling way. It is funny, like you said, how you wouldn't hear a single person ask someone in a relationship why they are single. Luckily I haven't had anyone ask if I was gay. Yet.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

NoDak81 said:


> Are you talking about reading between the lines?


Yep. Not only that though...but being aware of how they're coming across to the other person. People need to be more considerate of the things they say.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

NoDak81 said:


> Yes, it really is offensive how people ask questions about someone being single. It's often in a very belittling way. It is funny, like you said, how you wouldn't hear a single person ask someone in a relationship why they are single. Luckily I haven't had anyone ask if I was gay. Yet.


It is offensive, yes. I don't deny that some couples do this quite innocently and it's indeed a situation that we're sensitive to for the fact that it's hopeless. I'll happily hold my hands up to that. I probably have over-reacted to one or two people in particular over the years.

However, from my experience many couples (again, mainly the younger ones under 35) really do probe you in a way that, in my eyes at least, is quite clearly over the top to the point of being unfairly judgmental, belittling and harsh. If you aren't in a relationship, they really do want to know why. It's as if your choice is incorrect or your situation is clearly something you've created (never any blame externally) and that you actually want to be that way. It really is a bizarre mentality to take against single people. You either want to be wallowing in the negativity around you in that respect or there clearly must be something seriously wrong with you - even if you actually want to be single. They just won't accept that there are a small minority of people who simply have no luck in finding someone despite their efforts or are content with being single.

Imagine if I went up to my former best friend, who I've been back in touch with since Christmas, and probed him as to why he got a girlfriend, why he got married to her and why he now has a two year old son. Can you imagine his response? I suspect he'd flatten me&#8230; It's just not what you do, is it? So why, time and time again, do single people have to go through this probing? Not only that, face criticism even when you give a sensible answer! You can't win. Single people, particularly long-term singles, really are treated like second class citizens. It's no wonder why I have SA&#8230;

This is why I believe there's very much an unofficial 'race' in life and the above scenario is one of the better examples out there which only provides evidence to that.

If you're single and don't necessarily want to be, how do couples expect you to feel about yourself after this session of questioning? It doesn't give you confidence or any self-esteem - something you're already drained of if you know you've tried your best but still fallen short at every hurdle placed in front of you. It's a form of knocking you when you're already down, in my opinion. This is why I believe all these harsh social standards and expectations need to be dropped as it only raises anxiety in people who are already more susceptible than most.

Consider yourself lucky for not being called gay. I had it regularly towards the end of my school days - even though the girls would actively avoid me. I can't control other people. I don't have the ability to perform Jedi mind tricks - which is what I presume the accusers (even those who claim to 'help') think when they claim that everything is somehow all my fault&#8230; :?  I was called gay by at least two fellow work colleagues in my last job and only recently one of my current work colleagues let slip that "_we know you're not that type_" when they we're discussing relationships in my absence. When I delved a little deeper, it turns out that I was accused of being gay by someone in the office and was refuted by most.

The fact is that being ignored by every lady and not considered dateable material doesn't mean I'm gay. I don't know why some people think it is and I find it incredibly short sighted as almost no one else has faced the same snubbing and struggles I've faced from the age of 16. I don't seek to avoid women. Quite the opposite actually. I have a very healthy interest in them and I work in an office with six ladies. I actively take part in socialising with them and do attend various venues which involves mixing with other people.

However, ladies just don't like me&#8230; I can't control what they think of me. It's as simple as that :blank. I don't know what else to say. I'm a typical beta male in an era where alpha males are guaranteed success as they have the traits that generate all the positive attention. That's all it boils down to. Nothing else! The explanation is so simple, but couples like to think there's something much more serious behind it all - yet without a hint of irony, _*I'm*_ accused of over-thinking things. :um

'Pot calling kettle' springs to mind&#8230;


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## NoDak81 (Oct 26, 2015)

Hayman said:


> It is offensive, yes. I don't deny that some couples do this quite innocently and it's indeed a situation that we're sensitive to for the fact that it's hopeless. I'll happily hold my hands up to that. I probably have over-reacted to one or two people in particular over the years.
> 
> However, from my experience many couples (again, mainly the younger ones under 35) really do probe you in a way that, in my eyes at least, is quite clearly over the top to the point of being unfairly judgmental, belittling and harsh. If you aren't in a relationship, they really do want to know why. It's as if your choice is incorrect or your situation is clearly something you've created (never any blame externally) and that you actually want to be that way. It really is a bizarre mentality to take against single people. You either want to be wallowing in the negativity around you in that respect or there clearly must be something seriously wrong with you - even if you actually want to be single. They just won't accept that there are a small minority of people who simply have no luck in finding someone despite their efforts or are content with being single.
> 
> ...


I'll never understand the probing. If you're content being single people look at you like you have a horn coming out of your head. If you say you have t met anyone people start with stupid advice like importing someone (I've been told that numerous times.) I just don't get why people even care if you're in a relationship. I don't care if people are and I figure they will share that info if they are and want people to know it.

As far as being gay, what does that really matter? Why is there a need to assume that? Also, wouldn't a gay person with SA just as likely be single?


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