# Recovery diary



## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

I made a thread some time ago about my goal of curing myself in 2 months and I thought that registering my progress online would be a good way of keeping myself motivated and committed to the plan.


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Day 2:

It's my second day following the plan 100%. I have felt much better last week, but today I felt just "meh". I just felt bored to death, drowsy, sleepy and a bit sad, although anxiety was pretty much absent most of time. I think I just felt tension and nervousness because I had to drink one cup of coffee, otherwise I would be calm all time, even in the work group's meeting. I wasn't tired, but my motivation to speak and socialize was ZERO.

I expect to have improvements in the next days...


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Day 3:

Today I realized a problem in my lungs around 1-3 AM when I was trying to sleep. I panicked a bit and wished I was dead. Besides this, I also had another unexpected situation. I ended up cheating really really hard. So today was mostly spent trying to survive (I felt terrible today).

My only achievement today was that I touched my crush and I caressed her hair slightly, but I didn't do too much because her jealous friend was there. He is 2 times my size and plays tennis, so I got a bit scared. I already was very frustrated and feeling like ****, so I didn't want to risk being beaten up.

Because of what happened today, my plans changed a little. Anyway, I still am very confident and I think I'll manage to get cured until 02/06.


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Today I was in school bored as usual. I was thinking about how much I hate small talk, that my mind must be bugged etc. Then I thought: "what a bunch of bull****!". I realized that my problem is that _I am doing it wrong_. I can't stand small talk, so it's _pointless and stupid_ to stay with a group of people saying a lot of crap. I should be doing what I really want, that is talking with _girls_.

I was bored to death, yawning, with watery eyes, doing nothing but staying there alone listening to music. Then I realized I was being a loser and a coward and decided to go talk with the girls. I talked with my crush (or the girl that has a crush on me) with a insignificant monotone loser voice and she acted a bit indifferent (I realized if I want to talk with them I'll need to work on this voice a bit...).

Later, I skipped one class to eat lunch. I had to wait until next class, so I talked with another girl that was on her lunch time (she was alone). I was much more successful in this talk, but it still was pretty lame. I need to train more...

I plan to train speaking with a louder and clearer voice instead of this stupid quiet and monotone voice. I probably look ridiculously insignificant and boring when I speak this way. I will never make any female friends, get a date or take any leadership position if I continue with this bad habit.


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## slowlyimproving (Jan 2, 2014)

TheLastShy said:


> Today I was in school bored as usual. I was thinking about how much I hate small talk, that my mind must be bugged etc. Then I thought: "what a bunch of bull****!". I realized that my problem is that _I am doing it wrong_. I can't stand small talk, so it's _pointless and stupid_ to stay with a group of people saying a lot of crap. I should be doing what I really want, that is talking with _girls_.
> 
> I was bored to death, yawning, with watery eyes, doing nothing but staying there alone listening to music. Then I realized I was being a loser and a coward and decided to go talk with the girls. I talked with my crush (or the girl that has a crush on me) with a insignificant monotone loser voice and she acted a bit indifferent (I realized if I want to talk with them I'll need to work on this voice a bit...).
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're making some progress. Keep pushing forward!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

slowlyimproving said:


> Sounds like you're making some progress. Keep pushing forward!


Thank you!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Today my mood was much better. I think there was not a single time where I stayed there alone, depressed, bored and doing nothing. I talked and socialized pretty much THE WHOLE DAY. I talked even with people I was not used to talk to and it was very fun!

I talked with 2 girls. The first is nice to me, but seems indifferent. The second is much more open and interested. I even hugged the second. She said she went well in the chemistry test and I gave her a hug. That hug probably was a bit awkward because she wasn't expecting me to do it. She seemed to be a bit embarrassed.

I also planned to go to the bus point talking with one of the girls, but I had to solve something with my work group. So when I was waiting for the bus alone, I just felt lonely and empty. That sucked.

I plan to start with easy targets and them move to more difficult challenges.


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## ProfessionalGinger (Mar 31, 2015)

Sounds good man. You're taking action and you seem to realize what you need to work on. Keep it up.


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

ProfessionalGinger said:


> Sounds good man. You're taking action and you seem to realize what you need to work on. Keep it up.


Thank you!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

I got a problem with my bus card last Tuesday and it'll only be fixed next Tuesday. So no updates for now... Sorry...


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## Riri11 (Mar 24, 2013)

hey good job on what you did, small steps but can go a long way..  <3


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

My internet was cut because I didn't pay the bills and it just returned today...

My best achievement yesterday is that there's a clique that isn't very fond of me, they were taking lunch, I went to one of the guys, touched his chest and said "howdy hot babe" in front of everyone as a joke. I also went to a gym...

Today I had a very crazy and funny talk with a friend and I realized that my persona isn't boring as I thought. My real persona is bat**** insane and very funny, but I just show this boring/serious/emotionless one because I am too scared and embarrassed. That would be too embarrassing to act so crazy in front of everyone.

I know a guy who seems to lack any embarrassment or shame. Today I was on a wall, he approached me and said "you are so hot! can I go to your house today?". I said I was busy today and he replied "are you cheating on me? who is this *****?" shaking his tongue to me in an obscene way.

Edit: this is MY body and mind and no amount of embarrassment/shame/anxiety/whatever will keep me from doing what I want. I won't be stopped by such silly emotions!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Riri11 said:


> hey good job on what you did, small steps but can go a long way..  <3


Oh, thanks.


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

I tried a new idea today... The results were very effective, even for the first day... I wonder if I'll improve more in the following days...


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## Willtochange99 (Nov 24, 2014)

Good job with your progress! Keep pushing forward!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

Willtochange99 said:


> Good job with your progress! Keep pushing forward!


Thank you!


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## TheLastShy (Sep 20, 2014)

I haven't been posting here recently because of problems inside my head and because I am really busy, but I still am trying new things and I think I am having a lot of progress. Honestly, I don't know if I'll meet the deadline and overcome it so soon, but I am working hard towards my goal and any progress is welcome! SA is a complex and complicated mental illness and wanting to overcome it so fast would be too perfectionist. Even if I improve only 50%, I think this progress has enough value for someone that had severe SA! Anyway, I think I am improving very fast and I am having many insights about my condition everyday, so I expect to be cured soon!


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