# Prevention is better than a cure



## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

I'm really sorry for this and I feel deeply ashamed for always typing these really long posts that nobody is probably interested in reading or of simply being aware of anyway, and I feel even worse because this is the second time I have posted this particular thing on this site. But I can't help myself and I have an itch to scratch. Anyway, the original post was to point out that society normally doesn't help out those with "our" problem.

As every person knows prevention is far better than a cure, but not all cases of SA and shyness can be prevented from occuring because psychoemotional abuse at the hands of parents, siblings and peers cannot be outlawed, but there is certainly a lot that society can do right now (with the adequete funding) to help stop many cases of severe, life-debilitating forms of generalised shyness and avoidant personalities from developing in the first place.

(1) Why can a school bully kick, punch, verbally abuse, insult, steal from and generally make life a living hell for someone and get away with it ?!! What would happen if an adult did this to another adult or to another child for that matter?!! With that said I think school bullies 
(essentially children who are child abusers) should be able to have charges put on them just like an adult who abuses a child or physically assaults another adult is able to have done to them. Immediate suspension from school should be the minimum punishment for children who bully. And children (both girls and boys) who persistently bully (including psychoemotional torment) others should be placed into a special school designed for such children where they can be helped themselves. There are many societies where this sort of mindless cruelty by other children is non-existent. Sadly voilence and aggression, and the sort of horseplay that goes on in the schoolyard is glorified in a lot of western society and doesn't look like it will change. Further, the typical peer group doesn't look nicely upon kindness and respect from others towards their victims. So from the standpoint of the socially retiring child things will remain the same for the forseeable future.

(2) Anti-anxiety drugs can prove extremely beneficial to children with shyness/social anxiety problems and who avoid interaction because of it. However, this should be done while the child is in kindergarten, 1st, 2nd or 3rd grade and not much later than that. Why ? Because the self-image of the growing child is still developing. If it is left too late then the negative social and painful learning experiences the child is forced to go through (as a result of being shy, quiet, withdrawn and socially isolated) shapes and moulds dents in the 'soft' self-image that eventually 'harden'. As a result the child develops a permanently negative view of himself, a negative mental attitude towards himself and towards others and his natural shyness has likely developed into a case of "pathological" shyness and a "people phobia". These same anti-anxiety drugs to help teenagers who are very shy and socially retiring and socially isolated can be beneficial in helping them to relax around others. However, drugs can never overcome the social inertia problem that seems to affect many very shy people. Any sort of attempt to initiate friendly contact with others can be very difficult for them. And the fear of embarrassing and humiliating themselves from not being able to know what to say or how to handle unpredictable and ambiguious situations will always be there; thus assuring they do nothing to help themselves to get involved with others. This is why some very strong catalysts need to be put in place to help them get involved in activities where they are able to relax and enjoy interacting with others and will want to do it more often.

(3) Much can be done by teachers. They should make the effort to introduce such shy children to their peers (INCLUDING opposite-sexed peers) who are more similar to their temperamental traits. Boys and girls are not encouraged, and in some cases even disapproved of by teachers and parents to play with one another as children--boys must play with boys, girls must play with girls. Boys who are already shy of their own male peers are in a majority of cases ten times more shy of girls than they are of their own gender. And these shy boys (particularly those without any sisters) who never interact with the girls in their class and school, often grow into young men so severely shy of women that they are unable to participate in normal teenager and young adult courtship activities. Satisfactory adjustment in adulthood absolutely requires the ability to get along well with and relax around both genders. But without a sense of rational self-choice and responsible self-determination, these men typically end up seriously neurotic, chronically depressed and angry, and become a burden to themselves and to society. Group recreational and play activites in the classroom can be organised where interaction with others (including with the other gender) can be made as friendly and as non-threatening as possible.

(4) Behaviourally inhibited children (particularly inhibited male children) should not be forced to play rough contact sports where they end up getting pushed, punched, and kicked by the other boys more than the ball itself! Other sports should be made available to them.

(5) I understand where one person was coming from and at the time I did not imply that shy children should be put in "special" classes exclusively for shy children which would quite likely lead them to be seen as freaks. But to be sure, many very shy children are already seen as and labelled by their peers as "freaks" and "weirdos" for being quiet and shy so what worse could possibly come of it ? Infact I think a great deal of good can come of it. Are lambs put in the same pen as wolves ? No. So why should very shy children be made to play with others who are very different from themselves. Therefore schools designed especially for shy children is perhaps the best preventive method so far! If a child is placed into an environment where he is accepted AS HE IS, and is accorded the opportunity to play amongst an accepting peer group where he is not bullied, ignored, disparaged, belittled and rejected, he is free to mature, to grow and to change in a positive direction. And this seemingly "difficult, slow-to-warm-up child" will eventually become as well-adjusted as any other highly popular, sociable child is. When his feelings are genuinely cared for and respected he will eventually come to "fit in" quite well. But when this same child is forced to engage in activities which he finds anxiety-provoking, forced to play with peers that treat him like rubbish, and forced to conform to teacher, parental, and peer expectations, he tends to withdraw, regress and become less mature compared to others of his own age.

(6) New parents should all be strongly encouraged to attend weekly seminars on how to be effective parents. Parental skills are NOT instinctual as most of them seem to think and parents do not "own" their children the same way as they own a material possession as some seem to think. People who are deeply insecure at heart are typically afraid of negative evaluations and will want to run away and hide from such. Therefore, the most formidable obsticle to overcome in this matter, ahead of any lack of funding, is the highly vulnerable egos of incompetent parents who stubbornly refuse help and insist they know best. Corporal punishment should be outlawed and voilators should be forced to go to such seminars as well as be visited by a trained social worker to teach the parents proven child-raising methods. Psychoemotionally abusive parents should also be forced to attend such. However, outlawing and actually enforcing a law of this nature are two different things entirely and emotional abuse by parents towards childen goes virtually undetected and often nothing is done about it. Parents need to learn how to accept their children and make them feel loved--how to give them a feeling of pride, self-worth, and how to make them feel that life is rich and highly worthwhile, and how to be able to relax and enjoy communication vis-a-vis one another without any one on the defensive. And the more secure a child is the less likely he is to bully others. 

(7) Women with irritable, high-strung, abrasive and depressed personalities should be advised to procreate only female children (or not have any children at all) since their mental state often leads to improper masculinization of their unborn male fetus and so the child will likely be born passive and shy. Shots of testosterone could be given to young male children who are shy and passive to help them out.

(8) Finally parents and teachers should be educated thoroughly about shyness/social anxiety and the limits posed by a biologically-based temperament of low extraversion and high neuroticism. These are behavioural traits that are not likely to simply be "outgrown" as many 
adults seem to think. This is especially so if these "undesirable" personality traits are reacted to in a negative way by others. Of course, the paradox is, people with such a temperament tend to learn far more quicker, deeper and for much longer periods anxiety/avoidance and neurotic behaviour patterns than do others with the more socially-oriented, stable temperaments. The issue of shyness/SA needs to be taken seriously, and a sincerely compassionate and understanding attitude needs to be shown towards the sufferer. Society will typically do whatever it takes to try to make the behaviour, feelings, and interests of a child fit the current norms and expectations. Parental, teacher and peer expectations should be modified to fit the needs of the child rather than trying to force the child to conform to the prevailing norms. As many of us should know there is a high price to pay in trying to standardize human personality. 

To sum it up, the young child with an introverted, shy, anxious native temperament should definetely NOT be left to his own devices as many people in society may suggest. The typical view taken is to "blame the victim", "blame the sufferer", "its his own fault", "he needs to help himself" ect. This rigid, individualistic stand typically means he will end up bullied and without any friends; a social isolate if you will. If a child has difficulty learning his class work the teacher will accord him help otherwise what happens to him ? He falls well behind compared to others. So it is the same with shy, socially isolated children. They end falling behind in social self-confidence and interpersonal skills because of negative and mediocre socialization. It is completely irresponsible, uncaring, unjust and downright immoral of society to let children develop in such a manner. As what was shown, there is a lot that can be done to prevent shyness and SA from bogging down and severely dominating over the majority of one's respective lifespan. And it will be far more beneficial for the sufferer and society as a whole to make the necessary changes.


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## pehlinazar (Apr 20, 2008)

waaah waah

superb

keep cumin with new ideas


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## stardog99 (Mar 22, 2008)

Pinzelhead, thankyou for that post you bring up some very interesting points I agree with you about our increasingly individualistic society being part of the problem...structural changes are probably the most effective way to help kids who have these tendencies, and there are many lives that could be greatly improved (even saved)


Ignorant, c*cksure people tend to rise to the top, whilst intelligent people don't because they are full of self-doubt...


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