# Its as easy as you make it



## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

Well over a summer of improving my confidence, I can say that I am far over SA. First step is to realize that you are not your SA, your emotions, anything. If your subconscious tells you some sh1t, you have a choice to give in to that emotion. After a lot of suffering, I was like, "why is this so hard". Then I gave it all up (the suffering). I decided just not to give in to the things that push me off my confidence so I don't have to constantly fight the fear. And that was that, I just don't give in anymore.

Realize you are doing yourself a great disservice by putting yourself at low value. Realize your true value by finding your purpose. Steve pavlina has a method of doing this, where you just write down what you think your purpose in life is until you find something that makes you cry. From there practice "realizing" your true value in tough situations, and going on faith that you have value even if you don't know what it is. When I have time I'll do an in depth write up over how I got over this mess, but for now, I highly recommend "faking it till you make it". When sh1tty emotions come up, pick a more helpful mindset like "social guy" and follow it. The sh1ttier the emotion, the more strength it takes to follow your new mindset, but realize you are actually SAFER doing this self serving mindset, since following your old one will undoubtedly doom you. And just don't give in to pressures to put yourself down, realize that you are the only one that ever makes you feel like sh1t or "unworthy", your internal state is a sum of things you buy into: the mental processes, social conditionings, external pressures, etc. There are times where I'm like "dude this situation is ludicrous, I have to give in to fear here", but then remember all the pain that comes from giving in, and just DECIDE not to.

You could say "oh that is so hard for me", or "oh that takes too much work", but really those are just mental barriers, this is as easy as you make it, might as well make it easy. Other people didn't have to do this. Yes it takes balls. But life isn't fair, it never was fair. Things are the way they are. The thing is, what are you going to do about it?

EDIT: and for people with incredibly severe SA, I would reccomend CBT, I did a lot of CBT on myself to root out my retarded beliefs. Its all due incorrect thinking, unless you have a medical imbalance, in which case drugs are helpful.


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## Amy Acer (Sep 13, 2010)

I dont think its that easy for some of us. For me the thoughts are automaticly there in a split second. Then i realize later that i was stupid for thinking that. But there is no control. I also have ADHD and my brain doesnt exactly run like yours. So what may seem easy to you is not as easy to the rest of us. Im happy to hear you have found a way out but one method doesnt work for everyone...

BTW what is CBT?


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## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

Amy Acer said:


> I dont think its that easy for some of us. For me the thoughts are automaticly there in a split second. Then i realize later that i was stupid for thinking that. But there is no control. I also have ADHD and my brain doesnt exactly run like yours. So what may seem easy to you is not as easy to the rest of us. Im happy to hear you have found a way out but one method doesnt work for everyone...
> 
> BTW what is CBT?


by easy as you think it is, i meant limiting beliefs are exactly as easy to overcome as you think they are. They are paper barriers that look like brick walls. Srry, didn't mean the whole process is easy. I have ADHD too, but I practice mindfullness through meditation.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

EDIT: That happens to me too when im in a bad mindset, and when scared or thinking those thoughts, I take it as a queue to switch mindsets/that I bought into a sh1tty one.


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## g0t Anxiety (May 16, 2010)

Good stuff, I hope more people read this!


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## honeybear1990 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, you have good points here. It's not easy and its a journey, but it is well worth it. If you don't like yourself, who will? It's not anyone else's job to like you, it's yours.


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## want2Bfree (Aug 24, 2010)

WOW I am sooooo Happy I came across this post today!
It makes a lot of sense to me! Thank you theuprising for taking the time to post it for us!

Would love to hear more..

XX Dawn


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## kid a (Aug 26, 2010)

I heard CBT works, but for some people like acer said it isnt fully because we dont choose to, its how our brain works naturally, its engrained in some people. i know some of my thoughts and feelings are irrational, but thats AFTER the fact,most of the things i think and do are impulses i dont just give in to being this way. if i was the only one who could negatively effect my own mind, then id be ok.
but its other factors. its people putting you down, its when you do use that "self help" mehcnaism and only go for positive an someone shoots you down while you try.. its my brain too :/


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## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

I'm going to make a bigger, more detailed, and more useful post called "how I overcame SA", but I left out one important thing, or atleast didn't highlight it enough. That every emotion you feel is a CHOICE! You logically "buy into" the reality of that emotion, that that emotion is legitimate. This is at the foundation of everything I posted. When you are feeling a non-drug elicited emotion, a part of you always WANTS to feel that emotion.

Not buying into a fear is more of a precautionary measure than anything, not something to do WHEN you are scared/bought into the legitimacy of feeling fear right there. When that happens I try to snap myself out of it by remembering my own value and ask myself "Do I REALLY give this much of a sh1t about this!?", and take on a more useful mindset.


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## CourtneyB (Jul 31, 2010)

To your thread title - no it doesnt. It doesnt work that way for most of us its just how we're wired. It drives me crazy when someone tries to just pigeonhole everyone and "simplify" it like this.... i WISH every emotion i feel was a choice, but its not. Its usually subconscious and uncontrollable feeling.



kid a said:


> ...for some people like acer said it isnt fully because we dont choose to, its how our brain works naturally, its engrained in some people. i know some of my thoughts and feelings are irrational, but thats AFTER the fact,most of the things i think and do are impulses i dont just give in to being this way. if i was the only one who could negatively effect my own mind, then id be ok.
> but its other factors. its people putting you down, its when you do use that "self help" mehcnaism and only go for positive an someone shoots you down while you try.. its my brain too :/


Exactly.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Good job!


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## FireSoks (Sep 19, 2010)

Thanks for the info; look forward to reading a more in depth post.


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## Onkaparinga (Aug 1, 2010)

theuprising said:


> Well over a summer of improving my confidence, I can say that I am far over SA. First step is to realize that you are not your SA, your emotions, anything. If your subconscious tells you some sh1t, you have a choice to give in to that emotion. After a lot of suffering, I was like, "why is this so hard". Then I gave it all up (the suffering). I decided just not to give in to the things that push me off my confidence so I don't have to constantly fight the fear. And that was that, I just don't give in anymore.
> 
> Realize you are doing yourself a great disservice by putting yourself at low value. Realize your true value by finding your purpose. Steve pavlina has a method of doing this, where you just write down what you think your purpose in life is until you find something that makes you cry. From there practice "realizing" your true value in tough situations, and going on faith that you have value even if you don't know what it is. When I have time I'll do an in depth write up over how I got over this mess, but for now, I highly recommend "faking it till you make it". When sh1tty emotions come up, pick a more helpful mindset like "social guy" and follow it. The sh1ttier the emotion, the more strength it takes to follow your new mindset, but realize you are actually SAFER doing this self serving mindset, since following your old one will undoubtedly doom you. And just don't give in to pressures to put yourself down, realize that you are the only one that ever makes you feel like sh1t or "unworthy", your internal state is a sum of things you buy into: the mental processes, social conditionings, external pressures, etc. There are times where I'm like "dude this situation is ludicrous, I have to give in to fear here", but then remember all the pain that comes from giving in, and just DECIDE not to.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that, glad to hear you have made the progress you have. Maybe reading your account will help me to get through the stage I'm currently at where I'm wondering when it will all get easier (it may be in the process of getting easier for me right now although I'm having to fight the belief that everything inevitably turns sour for me).


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## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

CourtneyB said:


> To your thread title - no it doesnt. It doesnt work that way for most of us its just how we're wired. It drives me crazy when someone tries to just pigeonhole everyone and "simplify" it like this.... i WISH every emotion i feel was a choice, but its not. Its usually subconscious and uncontrollable feeling.
> 
> Exactly.


no no no no, I swear it is, not completely consciously but some part of you WANTS to feel that emotion. Sometimes I'm even afraid to NOT feel an emotion b/c I'm used to feeling it in that situation. In psychocybernetics, a book about emotional control, it says to avoid feeling fear in a situation, you tell yourself "I'll put off feeling fear for 5 seconds", and then feel it. Eventually you push it off indefinitely. Or you can choose not to feel it at all, the PRESSURE to feel it will be there in differing degrees and sometimes it can be STRONG, but it is always your choice to give in to it.

YES, you CAN'T control the things your subconscious throws at you without changing your subconscious. But you can tell your subconsious "NO, I'm not buying into this sh1t, that isn't true" if you're conscious enough to do it. It takes a lot of focus to be that conscious all the time so imo its easier to follow a NEW automatic response system in place of your older one, following a new identity. So when I'm scared I'm like "I'm having sh1tty automatic responses, time to change my mindset/identity/whatnot"

Yes and I was really tired when I wrote the title, the process as a whole is not easy, but it is very rewarding. Your mind is happy with your autopilot responses, b/c it kept you alive for this long hasn't it? It takes a leap of faith of leaving your old automatic responses to feel new ones, new mindsets, of your choice.


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## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

Onkaparinga said:


> Thanks for that, glad to hear you have made the progress you have. Maybe reading your account will help me to get through the stage I'm currently at where I'm wondering when it will all get easier (it may be in the process of getting easier for me right now although I'm having to fight the belief that everything inevitably turns sour for me).


Its your choice to give into that, but on it getting easier, that's what spurred the events which caused me to write this. (*TL: DR* in the bottom )Subconscious change, as everyone well knows, is slow. I haven't went through the psychological (CBT)/psuedo psychological(EFT) in too much in depth so I can't comment on that. But training my mind not 1. to give into bad emotions, 2. to remind myself of my value in tough times, and to 3. switch mindsets (this is a big one, the foundation of faking it till you make it) was like learning a skill. And after going through hell and back over the summer, I was being very anxious as I wandering around my friend's campus lost, constantly doing numbers 2. and 3. above. I was like "after all this, why is this still so HARD!", and then I just didn't have the energy anymore to DEAL with the stress of putting myself down. So I refused to put myself down anymore (following number 1 above more strictly), to buy into stress of like "oh I look creepy," etc. etc. Maybe I do look creepy but why put myself down for it?

I see a lot of posts in self help forums and more specifically "pick up" forums of people who finally "made it" being mad at themselves because all it was was giving themselves entitlement, something they could have done from the beginning but didn't have the balls to. I guess I'm halfway there.

*TL DR*

Moral of the story is, not all the "experience" and suffering in the world will give you the COJONES to not feel lower value, or to give yourself entitlement. I thought this wasn't true until I burnt myself out and refused to make it hard on myself anymore. You may be one of those people that HAVE to burn themselves out, and if you are then burn yourself out, the faster you realize this the better.

THIS video kind of addresses this (the first part), but it deals with "enlightenment" not any of this stuff, but the ideas of suffering not really being relevant transfer over,


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## caesarea (Aug 20, 2009)

nevergive said:


> Quick question....what's CBT?


a form of psychotherapy that emphasizes the important role of thinking in how we feel and what we do.

Basically, what you said. Training ourselves to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.


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## wxolue (Nov 26, 2008)

theuprising said:


> I'm going to make a bigger, more detailed, and more useful post called "how I overcame SA", but I left out one important thing, or atleast didn't highlight it enough. That every emotion you feel is a CHOICE! You logically "buy into" the reality of that emotion, that that emotion is legitimate. This is at the foundation of everything I posted. When you are feeling a non-drug elicited emotion, a part of you always WANTS to feel that emotion.
> 
> Not buying into a fear is more of a precautionary measure than anything, not something to do WHEN you are scared/bought into the legitimacy of feeling fear right there. When that happens I try to snap myself out of it by remembering my own value and ask myself "Do I REALLY give this much of a sh1t about this!?", and take on a more useful mindset.


This is important. It's called emotional reasoning. "Because I FELT awkward, I looked awkward. Because I FELT stupid, I was stupid." It's a trap that lots of people with SA fall into. I'm still trying to catch myself with this one. Its tough.


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## Delicate (May 23, 2008)

I think when people read things like this when they're in a bad place it's quite frustrating which is why most of the responses are kind of dismissive. I can understand your post and I'm really happy to hear you feel you're completely different now to how you were. I've changed a lot myself recently and as you said it's really hard to put it into a few paragraphs because if you think about where you were at the begininng EVERYTHING feels impossible, I think that's why when people read people's stories like this they tend to not buy it. The bottom line of this though is that everyone is capable of change but what you should consider when you want to change and be happier is that you can push yourself but at your own pace and sometimes smaller changes need to be made first because the bigger changes will still feel impossible. It's easier to look at step one instead of the end result.



kid a said:


> I heard CBT works, but for some people like acer said it isnt fully because we dont choose to, its how our brain works naturally, its engrained in some people. i know some of my thoughts and feelings are irrational, but thats AFTER the fact,most of the things i think and do are impulses i dont just give in to being this way. if i was the only one who could negatively effect my own mind, then id be ok.
> but its other factors. its people putting you down, its when you do use that "self help" mehcnaism and only go for positive an someone shoots you down while you try.. its my brain too :/


 I know what you're saying because that's what I was saying to my therapist when I started going. What they asked me to do was when something affects me negatively no matter how small, like you said if someone makes a comment that shoots you down, write down the event and a thought you have about it then write down how it makes me feel... next to it write down an alternate thought you could have which will seem really unrealistic but you can pretend it's someone else how would they react? Then try to imagine how you would view the situation and yourself if you saw things that way. I didn't believe this would help at all but it made me very conscious of how I was thinking in different situations because what I was always saying was it's automatic, it's how I naturally feel and react, but now I feel like I can think the same things I would have thought after the fact when I'm in the situation a bit easier. Things like this take practice but if you do little things like this to make yourself more aware of your thoughts I think it's a good start.

Thanks for posting this by the way, I'm sorry I just started rambling lol.


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## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

"To your thread title - no it doesnt. It doesnt work that way for most of us its just how we're wired. It drives me crazy when someone tries to just pigeonhole everyone and "simplify" it like this.... i WISH every emotion i feel was a choice, but its not. Its usually subconscious and uncontrollable feeling."

Well, in a lot of cases, the "how we're wired" stuff is an assumption that person makes about themselves. Technically speaking, the subconcious is a model for the mind not an actual thing. We have many, many different levels of awareness and it's our rather rash assumption that conscious of somehow relates to control that makes us think that because something is "subconcious" to us, it must be outside of our control. It can't be outside of our control. The subconcious, if one wishes to accept it as existing within the person, is you. It's not like something foreign in your head. It is a part of you. That which is on a different level of awareness to the level of awareness we may have at any given point in time is not automatically uncontrollable.

And whilst it can be difficult to not make the "cause and effect" thought pattern along the lines of: "this person makes me feel this...this and that..." that is a sweeping denial of personal responsibility for our own state. Whilst we are under no obligation to feel a certain way or to fit in with a certain lot, we do have a personal responsibilty to the personal ecology of the system to recognise when and when not to put ourselves at cause.

SA seems to alternate between throwing up: "Everything bad that's happened is because of me" thought patterns (putting the individual at cause) and "this person/thing or situation makes me feel bad/angry/upset" thought patterns (putting something else at cause). We have a choice. That which is automatic is not out of our control. Habits are not outside of our control, thought patterns are not outside of our own control and neither are emotions. That said, sometimes attempting to use state management to mask the emotion that would benefit the body and or being if it were felt is a bad idea. That's where getting in touch with the personal ecology of the self comes in handy. But then again, a lot of people with SA dislike themselves so motivation to get in touch with the positive aspects of the self when you don't believe they are there in the first place can be tough.

"if i was the only one who could negatively effect my own mind, then id be ok.
but its other factors. its people putting you down, its when you do use that "self help" mehcnaism and only go for positive an someone shoots you down while you try.. its my brain too :/"

That's not really about how your brain is wired. That's you deciding that other people should be in charge of what you think and feel. They have influence. You have control. Plus, we all observe, interpret and place meaning onto things so a lot of the time you're also in charge of what you think that person who "put you down" meant. If someone criticises you, are they automatically right to do so? Why?

"YES, you CAN'T control the things your subconscious throws at you without changing your subconscious. But you can tell your subconsious "NO, I'm not buying into this sh1t, that isn't true" if you're conscious enough to do it."

Okay, hang on a second here. Yes you can control the things your subconcious is throwing at you (if it exists). It's you. It's under your power. You don't necessarily need to change it but doing so might help. I'm not sure if telling a part of you that you're "not buying into this rubbish" is always a good idea. Sometimes, we really should listen to what our instincts tell us instead of rashly worshipping the conscious mind as it is is some sort of "always right because it's kinda logical" thing. A good grounding in what is right for the individual is a much better straegy.

"It takes a lot of focus to be that conscious all the time so imo its easier to follow a NEW automatic response system in place of your older one, following a new identity. So when I'm scared I'm like "I'm having sh1tty automatic responses, time to change my mindset/identity/whatnot""

Erm...okay. For a start, unless you've been awake forever, not only is it difficult to be conscious all the time but it's impossible. And working with the conscious mind is working on one level of awareness not necessarily on the best level of awareness. Setting up new habits that work for the person is a good idea but constantly shifting mindsets and attempting to shift identities would leave the person feeling disoritentated. And, for a start, what if, in one situation, you really should be afraid of what you're scare of?

Anchoring, state management etc are all good ways to go about dealing with this thing and we have a lot more control and choices then we think we do. That said, it isn't going to be easy for every single person because SA doesn't normally come by itself. Sometimes you get other parasites along with it, positive intentions to negative actions/beliefs etc. The person works with their own personal ecology to heal at their own pace. Not conforming to some blueprint but becoming more of who they really are.


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## Bubs24 (Oct 1, 2010)

I know what you are trying to say, and there is a frustration there in people who have overcome SA to help others just to get over it. 

Trouble is, how do people reach that point of realisation? ...how do they reach the moment of an actual decision?

Anxiety is a conditioned response. We didn't have it as babies- it was learned through some unfortunate experiences. Then, the cycle begins, and we all obviously want to avoid feeling anxious and having that natural 'fight or flight' response. 

Conditioning is crucial. 

It's unfortunate people do not wake up one day and they have hit a realisation or decision. It takes an active role and persistence to condition out of an automatic response like anxiety. 

Although you are talking from the end, I think that is what you meant. It's good to see another person overcome their SA


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## Onkaparinga (Aug 1, 2010)

Bubs24 said:


> Trouble is, how do people reach that point of realisation? ...how do they reach the moment of an actual decision?


I think the opportunity to overcome it is as important as anything else, as I've had the desire for at least 10 years.

It wasn't until I came across a book written by a local anxiety sufferer (Power Over Panic) that I had hope that it was possible for me to overcome SA, and until I had the opportunity to interact with people on a regular basis in a fairly non-judgemental setting that I've made steady progress.


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## theuprising (Oct 2, 2009)

Bubs24 said:


> I know what you are trying to say, and there is a frustration there in people who have overcome SA to help others just to get over it.
> 
> Trouble is, how do people reach that point of realisation? ...how do they reach the moment of an actual decision?
> 
> ...


Hey, I'm back poking my head in, I still don't have everything figured out yet so I put off making the post "how I overcame social anxiety."

Yes you are right SA is a learned response and it takes a lot of time and work to unlearn it and learn something new in its place. But all this leaves out an important part of the equation, free will. You choose whether or not to buy into the legitimacy of the emotions that come up. You choose what identity you want to take up. So its kind of like a shortcut, to take up a better identity, to "fake it until you make it".

But those subconscious processes that create anxiety will still be there, they will be lessened if you regularly take on more empowering mindsets but they will still be there, and thus an equally important part of all this in my opinion is looking at your subconscious processes and why you have them and slowly unlearning and rewriting them via CBT.


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## Ambitious (Apr 17, 2011)

All of what you say is on the button...

I hope you can keep continueing your journey for the life you and all of us deserve


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