# i think my mom has asperger's



## sparkationsgirl (Oct 25, 2008)

My mother has always bothered me. It didn't occured to me until recently that she may have asperger's syndrome. The spectrum varies widely, and I think she may have a mild case of it. In any event, there is something that's "off" about her behaviourally. And since mental illness does tend to run in the family, it would make sense why I ended up a little screwed up in the brain as well.

You assume that people with autism cannot lead normal, productive lives, and hold romantic relationships. But a lot of them do. Only those who are severely impaired are hindered in this respect. But anyway, here are a list of the things my mom does, which leads me to believe she has Asperger's:

-She compulsively cleans all day. She doesn't do anything else really except clean, cook, and then go to bed. Even when the house is spotless, she'll find an excuse to compulsively clean for no apparent reason.

-She repeats herself over and over again. And this is why it bothers me so much. When she wanted me to hand in my resume to my cousin's husband for him to look over, she reminded me 2 weeks ahead, every single day. Every single day I shouted back at her for repeating herself and bothering me with these remarks. 

-I tell her all the time to stop wasting her time buying cookies, and she always tells me she will, but then the next time, she goes out and buys another package of cookies again!

-She never gets upset at me whenever I show the look of distress and frustration, and I might make a dramatic remark such as "I will never contact you once I leave this house ever again!", or "I'm not your daughter anymore". She still doesn't get upset. The tension has gotten worse over the past few months due to the fact that my mom has been getting worried over the prospect of me moving out. And I show it all right, with snarky, snappy remarks whenever she even begins talking to me. Today I angrily asked her if she knew why I was so upset over the past few months, she said "no, why are you so unhappy?" It's like she hasn't been clueing into my frustration over her dissaproval of me moving out of the house. 

I yell at her at a constant basis when she bothers me, but she never seems to listen to my frustrations with her. She becomes a broken record over and over again.

I was just wondering, does this sound like asperger's? Regardless, it's difficult to live with people like this, who can't seem to take in social cues and stop what they are doing in order to respect another person's wishes.


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## gandalfthegrey (Feb 14, 2010)

from what ive read it seems ur mum could have aspergers, she doesnt seem to have any emotions.


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## steelmyhead (May 31, 2009)

Lol, both my parent's do that to a degree. My mom is always buying things for me even though I tell her not to, and I never seem to get through to me dad at all. They seem to have an imagined version of me in stasis in their heads that never changes. I confronted them about this in fantastical fashion, and I finally got it out of them that they do it because they "care about me".

I find that most of my arguments with them stem from personal boundries they don't seem to understand. I don't think they have asperger's though. My dad may have at one time had social problems, but I think he overcame them to a degree. He's still pretty awkward around people, though.


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## justgottaloveme (May 16, 2011)

-She compulsively cleans all day. (I bet she wouldn't clean all day if someone helped her clean. She just needs to have it done before she can relax i bet, and if no one else is doing it she is going to have to.)

-She repeats herself over and over again. ( i also do this with subjects i find very important ... I think its because i look at my interests as being important and everyone else should see them as being important .. even if that isn't really the case)

-I tell her all the time to stop wasting her time buying cookies, and she always tells me she will, but then the next time, she goes out and buys another package of cookies again! ( ever go to the store with her and stop her before she grabs the cookies and tell her you would rather have ..... or ....... ) this might take a few trips with her but you might get cake out of it lol 

-She never gets upset at me whenever I show the look of distress and frustration, and I might make a dramatic remark such as "I will never contact you once I leave this house ever again!"... ( This one hits home !! Im that mom!! im so emotionless on the outside and rationalizer on the inside!! that coupled with the fact that it takes me 3 days to figure out what to say! By that point my daughter has said 20x more things, it must look like i don't care!! but really her brain is just 2 damn fast for me! I think my daughter did tell me she was never going to come back after she left this house... and i was thinking something like ... Well if that makes her a more stable person it might be a good idea ... I love her and want the best for her !! )

I yell at her at a constant basis when she bothers me, but she never seems to listen to my frustrations with her. She becomes a broken record over and over again. ( let's try 1 question and wait for an answer .. might take much much longer than you think it should.... but its worth the try right ?)( you might even try writing it down in a journal .... this way you can communicate without the use of volume,facial , hand gestures ... win win for everyone )

I think your on to something with the Aspergers idea ... and i hate to say that it can run in the family ... my advice would be to experiment with it ... just clean the house just like she would have done one day ... whats her reaction to that ... journal with her and see if she is hearing your words on paper better than spoken ... try to find topics/activities that both of you have an interest in. She isn't out to piss you off or upset you any more than you are trying to do that to her .... sounds like you just don't speak the same language yet ... there IS a middle ground .. And it is WORK to find it .... but its well worth the time and investment in the end!! You only have one her and she only has one you !! 
:idea


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

Most of that could just be OCD. A cleaning obsession would be right on target for such a disorder. I know lots of people who obsess over things so that they start reminding themselves or other people weeks in advance. It's entirely normal in my family to begin packing for a trip a week or 2 in advance and recheck your packing list every day even if it's just a weekend trip. The only way to get anyone to do anything in my family is also to start telling them weeks ahead of time and repeat over and over again. I just grew up with everyone being that way. The most annoying person is the one who's needs get met and tasks get done. If you are quiet about it then it never gets done. When you grow up in a family like that you tend to get in the habit of telling people things over and over again.

Really it comes down to whether she truly doesn't get any emotional interaction or if she just doesn't get you. The rest can all easily be explained by just personality or basic OCD.


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## Kennnie (Oct 21, 2010)

my mother always buys me food when i tell her not i get fatter every year so that part may be normal


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## mikisa (May 26, 2011)

justgottaloveme, are you AS? I had a boyfriend that was definitely on the spectrum and every e-mail that he sent to me, he responded just like you did. After every thought, he had to rebuttal, or comment, and interject his thoughts. In the NT world, this is annoying, no offense. I am a NT mom with an AS son, and an AS mil. I have been around aspies as long as I can remember. I am an RN and am very gentle, kind, accepting of AS and spectrum souls.

My husband and his sister are beside themselves and don't know how to deal with her. Her "qualities" are hoarding, and being "extremeliy cheap" (with herself and others). She is very "cutting" with her husband and doesn't realize it. Her granchildren tolerate her. 

Any suggestions? We can't tell her we think that she has AS and she will not go to a therapist. She is 70.


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## rctriplefresh5 (Aug 24, 2009)

mikisa said:


> justgottaloveme, are you AS? I had a boyfriend that was definitely on the spectrum and every e-mail that he sent to me, he responded just like you did. After every thought, he had to rebuttal, or comment, and interject his thoughts. In the NT world, this is annoying, no offense. I am a NT mom with an AS son, and an AS mil. I have been around aspies as long as I can remember. I am an RN and am very gentle, kind, accepting of AS and spectrum souls.
> 
> My husband and his sister are beside themselves and don't know how to deal with her. Her "qualities" are hoarding, and being "extremeliy cheap" (with herself and others). She is very "cutting" with her husband and doesn't realize it. Her granchildren tolerate her.
> 
> Any suggestions? We can't tell her we think that she has AS and she will not go to a therapist. She is 70.


what does NT mean? normal typical?


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## Slackware420 (May 23, 2011)

rctriplefresh5 said:


> what does NT mean? normal typical?


_Neuro_typical

I sometimes wonder if my dad is midly AS. Milder then the OP's mom though.


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## lisathinks (Mar 13, 2012)

Sparkationsgirl, i cried when i read your post, as i have never thought (before today) to do a search for "i think my mom has asperger's", but when i read what you wrote, i felt for the FIRST time in my life that i was reading about my own mother. She simply doesn't get emotional, read others' emotions or cues, or ever change (despite BEGGING in some cases). I am now in my 40s but still struggle with how to deal with my hostility over her seeming lack of care for my needs..............ever. It was very hard to grow up with this type of mother, especially when i saw my friends' mothers reacting frequently to their daughters' needs. It does help to know it's a disorder that she cannot help. But it's still maddening. I feel for you very much!! If you ever want to chat, feel free. I am new to this site.

Thanks,
Lisa


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## DerekF (Apr 3, 2012)

Hi lisathinks. I've also been recently considering whether my mother is AS. I have a lot of the same issues as you and sparkationgirl, which include general frustration and anger with my mother about the lack of emotional and social responsiveness, but mostly just a lot of sadness around who my mother is and what our relationship was. 

I've also been in therapy for about three years and it took a year of that just for me to kind of clear out enough crap so I could see my mother more clearly(so you're way ahead of me there, you got there without professional help  I've also started to get some clarity around how my relationship with my, likely, AS mom affected my relationship with others - with my wife, former girlfriends, myself, etc. My experience of it is that it's a pretty deep wound, and there's a lot of healing to be done. 

I'm 37 and I still don't really know how to communicate with her. I live in a different city than she does, and the best I can manage is a scheduled 20 min phone call once a week. And because she usually just talks at me for the whole call, I've also stipulated that the first five minutes have to be about me. She has to ask about me and we have to talk about my life. She often forgets this, but since we agreed to it, I can usually remind her and she'll try to do it. Even so, I dread those calls.

Anyway, not sure what I'm getting at, but it's helpful to hear that other people have had to deal with the same stuff. Thanks for posting.


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## OrangeRose (Aug 11, 2012)

Hi,
I am new to this site, but wnated to add my input. I am very certain that my mother has AS. Her sister was severly Austitic, and my two male siblings, and my mother's brother all have been diagnosed with AS. My mother refuses to be tested, but we are pretty sure. Life is tough. My mother was a wonderful mother and we had a fantastci childhood, but I realise now what we missed out on. We missed the emotional side of everything.
My mother has NEVER EVER said " I love you." 
My mother uses every single thing she is given, a hoarder. We have three rugs on top of each other in our kitchen and four placemats at the table. I moved out when I was 19 as I coul no longer tolerate living with my mother. I can deal with her now, as I have studied AS at university and can be moe empathetic. Life is tough somteimes though. Constant criticism is hard  But Now I can accept my situation and work with my mum to get the best out of the relationship for both of us.


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