# how should i be treating my self-esteem/confidence issues?



## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

i'm trying to break down my social anxiety (all my problems actually) into different parts and figuring out how to treat each one specifically. i've only just thought of this so i'm probably leaving some things out and i haven't thought of everything..

but how should i be treating my self-esteem/confidence issues? i think this is a major problem. it's not exactly related to my lack of social skills (which i am getting help with by joining a group soon). i just always feel inferior to others and it stops me from becoming close to anyone. it causes a huge strain on the relationships with others.. and i don't know how to fix it. sometimes i would try to get into a certain mindset and force myself to believe that they like me, that they want to be my friend for positive reasons, but then i feel like i.. relapse in a way and i get so caught up in trying to wonder why anyone talks to me and why anyone would possibly want to be friends and this causes me to distance myself from everyone. 

anyway.. anyone have any advice on what to do?

thanks.


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## smalltowngirl (Feb 17, 2006)

Fight those negative thoughts!

Under the information column on the left side of this page, there's a good article about building self-esteem. I'll link to it.  
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/bui ... esteem.php


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

thanks 

anyone have any more suggestions?


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## tednugent2007 (Oct 28, 2007)

Get breast implants. lol just kidding. I dunno, I'm trying to figure out the same thing. I lack confidence also.


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

Start by reprogramming your self-image.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

Pinzelhead said:


> Start by reprogramming your self-image.


Just curious, how does someone reprogram their self image?


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## Guest (May 19, 2008)

MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> Pinzelhead said:
> 
> 
> > Start by reprogramming your self-image.
> ...


I been thru this many, many times. It's not easy to reprogram because we're creatures of habit.

Sometimes I think it helps to work outside/in. Lot of people try to fix their mind to see themselves different, but a lot of people do the opposite--make a change on the outside that fits the image you want to program into yourself. You see it all the time with people getting tats, changing their hairstyle, etc. It seems so obvious you problaly never thought of it. But it's true. Even things like rearranging your room, decorating your car, buying new clothes.

But that only changes your self image for a while, maybe even just a few hours/days. So only a little time, but that's where you got to plan the future, while you're in the zone. So start by getting some new clothes. Then while you're wearin it, go out that day where you can just chill, get some coffee, and REALLY think about, okay, what can I do now? How can I keep this going..

Think about things that can extend and reinforce this new image. Think of a job you can get where you can dress or be like this at work. Think of places where you should be hanging out at regularily that reinforces the new image.

You'll probably have to go through this process many times.. but I think that's what you gotta do.


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## sherbert (Jun 24, 2005)

I think that's solid advice. You can use this motivator beyond just consumption too. I know personally that I get a big high completing art projects and riding my bike. Volunteering is a great way to build self-esteem, it pays dividends emotionally, plus it can be a good way to meet people. Confidence, I believe, is something that is bulit upon good self-esteem. Therefore you can only gain it through cumulative effort, when you get to a stage that you're 75% good about how you're handling most situations. 



*Remember even the most confident person has an off day, but they recognize it as an off day and not how they are.


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

hmm interesting to read your post and kind of reminds me of a book called psychocybernetics that I have.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

sienna08 said:


> I been thru this many, many times. It's not easy to reprogram because we're creatures of habit.
> 
> Sometimes I think it helps to work outside/in. Lot of people try to fix their mind to see themselves different, but a lot of people do the opposite--make a change on the outside that fits the image you want to program into yourself. You see it all the time with people getting tats, changing their hairstyle, etc. It seems so obvious you problaly never thought of it. But it's true. Even things like rearranging your room, decorating your car, buying new clothes.
> 
> ...


that's interesting, and it's actually exactly what i've been trying to do lately. i'm buying more clothes that make me feel good about myself, making me feel more confident about my appearance. maybe it's partly about accepting who i am and trying to show that on the outside.



MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> hmm interesting to read your post and kind of reminds me of a book called psychocybernetics that I have.


what is this book about? is it related to self-esteem/confidence?


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

nothing to fear said:


> sienna08 said:
> 
> 
> > what is this book about? is it related to self-esteem/confidence?


yes, self esteem and enhancing self image, eliminating anxiety, overeating, a self help book that really didnt help me since im a slow learner and with a learning disability.


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

^yup same here, i am a slow learner and i find it hard to stay commited/motivated etc. 
would you reccommend it though?


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## CopadoMexicano (Aug 21, 2004)

nothing to fear said:


> ^yup same here, i am a slow learner and i find it hard to stay commited/motivated etc.
> would you reccommend it though?


not really there are probably better books out there than psychocybernetics2000. But if you have the money you can add it to your list. Its really a general self help but not for specific problems like social anxiety.


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## chrisforrest (Mar 27, 2008)

I have self confidence problems that keep me distant from others also. What ive been doing for a few weeks is whenever I insult myself I automatically thought "oh that’s reminds me of my ability to...” This pushes you in the right direction to think positive about yourself. 

For example, you said you always repeat "I wonder why anyone talks to me and why anyone would possibly want to be friends with me." Become aware of the trap you are setting for yourself and say "oh that reminds me of my ability to talk to people and make friends." Even if you've never been able to make friends or have a conversation with someone, you’re still human, and you have the same ability as anyone else to socialize and enjoy life. 

Whenever a negative thought comes, repeat the phrase until eventually the insults rarely bother you anymore. If another insult comes along, think of another phrase that will show the hate filled nonsense for what it is. 

Good luck!


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## Pinzelhead (Mar 14, 2007)

MavenMI6Agent009 said:


> Pinzelhead said:
> 
> 
> > Start by reprogramming your self-image.
> ...


Self-image reprogramming relies mainly on (1) affirmation making and (2) visualisation.

(1) Affirmations

Your surface mind is constantly active, you are talking to yourself almost always whether you are aware of it or not. The only time your surface mind shuts down is when you are watching tv or reading a book or listening to music, your attention shifts onto it and any self-talk from the surface mind shuts down. This is why mediatation can be very difficult for some; they simply cannot shut down their surface mind. Anyway, the problem is in social situations the self-talk relating to ideas about their self in some people is very negative.

Affirmation making is designed to slowly reprogram this negative self-talk. The subconcious mind has trouble understanding words like "can't" "don't" "not" and words relating to the past and future. The phrase "I am NOT afraid" will enter the subconcious mind. But the word "not" will be discarded and so may actually make you more afraid if you keep telling yourself that. Affirmations must always be in the first person and in the present and contain to negatives like "don't" "won't" 
"not" "can't".

For example you could repeat things like:

I am socially competent
I am calm and relaxed in social situations
I am a naturally confident person

This will take time but will eventually start effecting the subconcious mind and you will begin to appreciate the power of these affirmations.

(2) Visualisation

Your subconcious mind harbours many ideas and images about your self. They are your fears and anxieties, your abilites and things relating to you. Like dreaming and daydreaming, visualisation and mental imagery can produce profound effects on the physcial body - so imagine what the effects the poor mental images a person holds of themselves can have on them.

This is a very basic explaination but a person would be placed in to a light trance and begin visualizing success in whatever social situation you could care to name. You would see yourself as relaxed, calm and confident. The outcome would be always success.

Affirmation making and visualization, for it to work, these things need to actually be believed on a deep down gut, emotional level. It is quite easy to accept it on an intellectual level the effectiveness of these things but the emotional level is where it counts.

Self-image reprogramming should NEVER be done on its own for conquering SA. Accepting ideas and visions on an emotional level is not something most people can easily do. If people could accept an idea or vision on an emotional level then there would be no need for anything else - including CBT.


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## yeah_yeah_yeah (Mar 27, 2007)

Hi NTF

Its really tough when youre struggling with so many things at once like that. It must feel even harder when youre working on one thing and there are other things draining your energy and making you feel bad, so it makes sense to want to break it into chunks. How are you feeling at the moment?

Did you get on that residential program you were looking for? Also, can you remind me what your diagnosis is? It would be helpful to know in order to come up with some ideas 

Hope you are well!


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## nothing to fear (Mar 23, 2005)

yeah_yeah_yeah said:


> Hi NTF
> 
> Its really tough when youre struggling with so many things at once like that. It must feel even harder when youre working on one thing and there are other things draining your energy and making you feel bad, so it makes sense to want to break it into chunks. How are you feeling at the moment?
> 
> ...


hello YYY.. i was hoping you would post here since you always have good advice. 

my mood has been good and i don't have a lot going on in my life which is why i want to focus on certain aspects of my problems. i've been motivated lately and more social, and more confident than usual actually, in terms of going out in public and being around people. it's still very difficult to socialize though. i was in a social phobia group which helped with making goals and such, and i'm doing a social skills group in fall.
i'm not going to do the residential program since it seems a bit.. extreme and i don't think i would be able to handle being in an environment like that.
my diagnosis are bipolar type II (currently stable) and social anxiety of course.


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