# Why don't girls initiate?



## b0m (Oct 1, 2011)

Why not? :|


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

they scared to

were bigger than them


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## revai (Nov 20, 2009)

It's shameful. They don't want to be accused of ****tiness.


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## Ansgar (Feb 17, 2012)

The correct answer is: "because they don't have to".


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

That's life, just accept it. It's not unheard of obviously, but don't count on it.


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## the collector (Aug 15, 2010)

Sometimes they do...


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

They do if they really like the guy.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Ansgar said:


> The correct answer is: "because they don't have to".


This, this, this!

It's like on dating sites, they don't have to send anybody a message, they just pick the cute guys who write to them.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

Just how things are. It's up to us to show them that we are special compared to other guys.


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## northstar1991 (Oct 4, 2011)

Girls do initiate sometimes. There's just this archaic stereotype that guys should initiate.


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## missingno (Sep 29, 2011)

Ansgar said:


> The correct answer is: "because they don't have to".


Thread should of ended here.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

northstar1991 said:


> Girls do initiate sometimes. There's just this archaic stereotype that guys should initiate.


This.

And I do feel that some feel scared, and don't want to make the first move.


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## forbidden (Oct 25, 2011)

Some girls do...at least i do.


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## McdonaldMiller (Apr 16, 2012)

Ansgar said:


> The correct answer is: "because they don't have to".


Agreed.


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## arnie (Jan 24, 2012)

northstar1991 said:


> Girls do initiate sometimes. There's just this archaic stereotype that guys should initiate.


They can but they don't so what ends up happening? Guys have to do it all or nothing will ever happen.


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## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

I initiated. so there.


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## LordScott (Apr 9, 2012)

commander we have reached "lift off"


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## orchidsandviolins (Jul 8, 2011)

I used to never initiate.
But since I am moving soon and want to hang out with certain people before I leave I have been doing it. Pretty scary if ya ask me, for fear of being annoying. Oh, well. If I want it bad enough I'll do it.


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## calichick (Jul 30, 2010)

Because 85% of the male population have alpha qualities rendering female advances pointless most of the time. The shy guys are a minority.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Because it would destroy the space-time continuum and kill all the cute little kittens :lol


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## Bryan108 (Mar 1, 2012)

Witan said:


> Because it would destroy the space-time continuum and kill all the cute little kittens :lol


:yes


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## Luka92 (Dec 13, 2011)

Because of an unwritten rule that's treated like a written rule.


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## jonny neurotic (Jan 20, 2011)

Depends what you mean by "initiate". They often do by giving out signals to say "come and get it". My problem has always been being sh!t scared to respond to the signals...


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## _AJ_ (Jan 23, 2008)

Witan said:


> Because it would destroy the space-time continuum and kill all the cute little kittens :lol


this


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## painfullyshy2013 (May 26, 2012)

Because we're scared of being rejected besides In society it is usually believed that the guy should make the first move if a girl asks a guy out they might be viewed as being desperate


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## Resonance (Feb 11, 2010)

Totally read the thread title as "Why don't girls inhale?"


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## Bianca12 (Apr 29, 2012)

painfullyshy2013 said:


> Because we're scared of being rejected besides In society it is usually believed that the guy should make the first move if a girl asks a guy out they might be viewed as being desperate


 Exactly what I was gonna say.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

That's just the way it is. I ask myself that all the time. I also ask myself why there are a lot more men than women who are DTF (promiscuous). And I also ask myself why the hell lots of women are willing to tolerate polygamy (they stick with one sex partner but then he goes and sleep with a bunch of women) and aren't exploring polyandry more (having multiple sex partners. Rather than the traditional serial monogamy).

I guess maybe it comes down to men having more testosterone than women or something.


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Ansgar said:


> The correct answer is: "because they don't have to".


Exactly, just make the man do all the work. After all they see themselves as more valuable human beings.


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## Nada (Dec 19, 2004)

Men their testosterone are to blame.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

*They do!!*



forbidden said:


> Some girls do...at least i do.


This is true - believe me - even at my age, they do!


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## Com1 (May 27, 2012)

Because it requires a charming personality and confidence, something 99.9% of women don't have.


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

I think the more confident ones do, just not the shy ones with bad self esteem.


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## Skttrbrain (Jun 17, 2011)

I dunno, I think I have it drilled in my head that if a guy truly likes you, he will show it (read that in the book "He's Just Not that into You"). Also, I agree with the person who said that they don't want to be seen as annoying.


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## Skttrbrain (Jun 17, 2011)

komorikun said:


> I always search the crowd until I find one that is my type and then give him the eyes and/or stand nearby.


I even think that's brave! If I find a guy cute, I avoid eye contact with him and try to stay away. I guess I'm afraid that he might approach me and realize how awkward/boring I am. It's messed up.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Skttrbrain said:


> I dunno, I think I have it drilled in my head that if a guy truly likes you, he will show it (read that in the book "He's Just Not that into You"). Also, I agree with the person who said that they don't want to be seen as annoying.


I ended up having strong feelings for a girl that initiated with me once. I can't know if I'm going to be crazy about a girl until I talk with her for a good bit. And I don't think every guy approaches every woman he considers physically attractive for him to find out.


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## Daft (Jan 5, 2012)

komorikun said:


> With online dating though I don't really like being the one to initiate because much of the time you will get a positive response but the guy is not that into you. He just thinks that it will be easy for him to get sex since you obviously liked him enough to message him.


So much this. I once wound up in an actual_ relationship _with a guy who just wanted to lose his virginity and I was the only girl he could get...

I've since become very cautious and discerning about people's character before giving them an ounce of trust, let alone my body, so I'm less worried about it happening again. The sting and the wariness never really left me, though. If I've known someone for awhile I'll approach, but the two times I have I found they already had a girlfriend or that I'd chosen the very day they were going to tell me about their new girlfriend to speak up because I'd waited too long.


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## meganmila (Jul 25, 2011)

Because some girls are actually extremely nervous and shy like ya'll can be too. 

I have initiated before on the internet but they don't seem to be interested and respond really vague.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

I like how the whole "societal expectations" things is the go-to excuse for most women when asked this question.

Reality: if you approach a guy and he rejects you, it probably wasn't simply because you dared buck societal norms. He probably just wasn't into you. I'm sure there are a few cases where the former happens, but I seriously doubt many guys would turn down a girl they're interested in or attracted to just because she approached him first.

The real answers, as already covered:

a) They don't want to risk rejection, like men have to -- despite many women who feel this way also wanting equality in every single other facet of life.
b) They don't have to.


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## huh (Mar 19, 2007)

anomalous said:


> The real answers, as already covered:
> 
> a) They don't want to risk rejection, like men have to -- despite many women who feel this way also wanting equality in every single other facet of life.
> b) They don't have to.


Perhaps this just falls under "b", but I think it's more likely that the real answer has a biological underpinning. One reason that comes to mind immediately: Raising a child takes a lot of resources, and a women that initiates a lot or isn't as picky is probably taking a larger risk than the one that picks and chooses from the guys that initiate with her. I'm sure there are more. Not to say that society/personal behavior doesn't play a role, but it's probably not as large as most people seem to assume. No one really enjoys risking rejection.


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## nervousman (Jun 9, 2010)

Girls are too girlie to initiate. They are scared of the weiner!!!!


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## SoWrongItsRight (May 9, 2012)

I thought this thread was gonna be about woman not initiating sex haa. I guess my mind was in the gutter on this one


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## b0m (Oct 1, 2011)

mynameislacie said:


> I thought this thread was gonna be about woman not initiating sex haa. I guess my mind was in the gutter on this one


You are free to discuss it aswell :yes


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## LucasVandal (May 25, 2012)

Women are afraid? Well what do they think men feel like all the time? In this increasingly equal society, women should be taking as many risks as men do. But I'll have to agree its a lot easier for them not to because they don't have to most of the time.


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## Ashley1990 (Aug 27, 2011)

i did thrice and that ended drastically..rejections.they fear me the most..i wont initiate next time


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

Girls do initiate, its just the ones who do are never the ones you are actually interested in.  and if you're talking about girls on this website? I'm pretty sure its because they have social anxiety.


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## Ashley1990 (Aug 27, 2011)

Elad said:


> Girls do initiate, its just the ones who do are never the ones you are actually interested in.


 i agree


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## ohgodits2014 (Mar 18, 2011)

LucasVandal said:


> In this increasingly equal society, women should be taking as many risks as men do.


Okay, I'll bite: how many women exactly have you've asked out?

As a society we should all do a lot of things, but most of us don't.


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## FriedGold (Oct 23, 2011)

b0m said:


> Why not? :|


Because when they do, they end up being used and it turns out the guys had no interest in them to begin with. 2 for 2. Think I've learned my lesson..no more initiating.


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## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't do it for the same reason most of the guys here don't: shyness. Still, I've met plenty of guys (mostly my sister's friends, so I guess I should take that with a grain of salt) who've said they'd be turned off by that.

I do know a few women (who seem to be stuck in the 1950s) who believe it's "the guy's duty" to make the first move.

EDIT:
Also, comments like these aren't very encouraging to women. :roll
It's easy to put the blame on women saying that they don't initiate "because they don't have to," but the blame should be equally given to both sexes.


Elad said:


> Girls do initiate, its just the ones who do are never the ones you are actually interested in.  and if you're talking about girls on this website? I'm pretty sure its because they have social anxiety.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I guess it doesn't really matter being that taking initiative is almost always better than being passive; your better off.

I'd also like to add that it takes a lot of practice and self-discipline if you're a shy person to begin with. Why would a girl take on all that trouble and effort when she doesn't have to? But if someone becomes confident in themselves enough to overcome rejection and approaching then that person develops a stronger reality of themselves. I have been approaching for years and I still have trouble doing it consistently, but I have also learned a lot as well.


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## VanDamMan (Nov 2, 2009)

nervousman said:


> Girls are too girlie to initiate. They are scared of the weiner!!!!


This is actually the correct answer! Discussion is done. Please close the thread.


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## Elad (Dec 6, 2009)

AllToAll said:


> I don't do it for the same reason most of the guys here don't: shyness. Still, I've met plenty of guys (mostly my sister's friends, so I guess I should take that with a grain of salt) who've said they'd be turned off by that.
> 
> I do know a few women (who seem to be stuck in the 1950s) who believe it's "the guy's duty" to make the first move.
> 
> ...


I never meant for it to discourage anyone, it goes both ways and I'm sure people can agree.


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

If a girl is really interested in you (and not too shy) she will initiate. Otherwise she won't.


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## RenegadeReloaded (Mar 12, 2011)

Invisiblehandicap said:


> If a girl is really interested in you (and not too shy) she will initiate. Otherwise she won't.


Initiate how ? Making how many steps ?

Personally I don't consider initiation if she doesn't make it very clear that she would like to hang out with you.


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## mysterioussoul (Jul 17, 2010)

i have a question for gay girls: you want the other girl to initiate, right? it's an ego thing, because i want girls to initiate with me, even though i do like the chase but i'm too shy to actually do it.

cause the thing is i've noticed some girls view my dating profile multiple times and i can only gather that they might be interested, right? but they don't initiate. is it because they're wanting for me to or maybe because there was some sort of computer glitch on their behalf which made it seem like they viewed it multiple times.

does that make sense?


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## Invisiblehandicap (Jul 31, 2011)

RenegadeReloaded said:


> Initiate how ? Making how many steps ?
> 
> Personally I don't consider initiation if she doesn't make it very clear that she would like to hang out with you.


Depends on the girl. It will happen when a girl really likes a guy, but he won't ask her out. If the girl really likes you she will make it obvious.

If you look online you can see women saying that they have asked out guys etc. I have seen it in real life too.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> I don't do it for the same reason most of the guys here don't: shyness. Still, I've met plenty of guys (mostly my sister's friends, so I guess I should take that with a grain of salt) who've said they'd be turned off by that.
> 
> I do know a few women (who seem to be stuck in the 1950s) who believe it's "the guy's duty" to make the first move.
> 
> ...


I don't like the "they don't have to" line of thought either. Because you can't just assume a guy wouldn't be interested if he doesn't approach. He might not have even noticed the girl yet. I think it's to everyone's advantage to approach people they are interested in. You never know what you could be missing out on. I fell hard for a girl that approached me. I probably may have never noticed her if she didn't start conversation with me.


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## Bianca12 (Apr 29, 2012)

Ashley1990 said:


> i did thrice and that ended drastically..rejections.they fear me the most..i wont initiate next time


 The same thing happened to me. :sigh


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

Bianca12 said:


> The same thing happened to me. :sigh


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## MyJoy (Dec 9, 2011)

Because we get rejected!


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## ijustwanttobemute (Jun 2, 2012)

I think the answer is the same answer as to why women don't say I love you first. How will we know it's real if we're the ones who approach you? I've only ever approached one guy before and we had a little something for a little while. But it wasn't as fun because I like being chased.


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

ijustwanttobemute said:


> I think the answer is the same answer as to why women don't say I love you first. How will we know it's real if we're the ones who approach you? I've only ever approached one guy before and we had a little something for a little while. But it wasn't as fun because I like being chased.


As a guy, though, I wonder the same thing. I would wonder if she's really interested, or just using me to fill some gap in her life until something (or someone) better comes along. And I've personally heard it firsthand, since I have the habit of being "one of the girls" :|


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

Witan said:


> As a guy, though, I wonder the same thing. I would wonder if she's really interested, or just using me to fill some gap in her life until something (or someone) better comes along. And I've personally heard it firsthand, since I have the habit of being "one of the girls" :|


Basically every reason given so far is completely genderless in nature. Rejection, uncertainty in interest, etc. -- all problems that males face in equal quantities when they initiate. Giving those answers is tantamount to saying simply, "I'm a girl and don't have to take the risk because of societal expectations."

The sole reason on the list so far that could even remotely justify the gender gap is the idea that guys are put off when girls come onto them. That's at least worth discussing, even though I question how prevalent it really is, as I mentioned in an earlier post.


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## CoastalSprite (Sep 8, 2011)

Because the men I'm attracted to are wonderful ones.. sweet, smart, articulate. It makes me feel insecure about myself ("Why would he like me?"). I feel like if I ever initiated, the reaction would be, "You have to be kidding me" in his head :|


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## Shredder (Apr 19, 2011)

The only reason Im married is that my wife initiated.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

phoenixwright said:


> I don't like the "they don't have to" line of thought either. Because you can't just assume a guy wouldn't be interested if he doesn't approach. He might not have even noticed the girl yet. I think it's to everyone's advantage to approach people they are interested in. You never know what you could be missing out on. I fell hard for a girl that approached me. I probably may have never noticed her if she didn't start conversation with me.


In a perfect world, everyone would think like this.


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## upndownboi (Oct 7, 2010)

I feel sorry for girls sometimes. They could really like a guy but our culture says they have to look nice and smile and hope the guy takes an interest. They might have to make do with one who initiates but who they're not really into.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

upndownboi said:


> I feel sorry for girls sometimes. They could really like a guy but our culture says they have to look nice and smile and hope the guy takes an interest. They might have to make do with one who initiates but who they're not really into.


Then they just reject the guy and wait for someone better who will initiate. Women are the choosers.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

srschirm said:


> Then they just reject the guy and wait for someone better who will initiate. Women are the choosers.


Men are choosers too. Men are very picky about who they commit to. I'd say I chose who I slept with but those men chose whether they wanted to date me or not. So if the guy called me back I'd generally date them. Probably 80-90% did not want to date me. They chose someone else.


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## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

komorikun said:


> Men are choosers too. Men are very picky about who they commit to. I'd say I chose who I slept with but those men chose whether they wanted to date me or not. So if the guy called me back I'd generally date them. Probably 80-90% did not want to date me. They chose someone else.


This is true. Sexually frustrated males do not see it that way though. In our mind, we think "at least the woman that was used for sex was desired." I kinda resent the fact that even very unattractive women can get laid without much difficulty. Whereas we have to work really hard for it. Women are psychoevolutionary programmed to be more selective though (quality > quantity) because they can only reproduce every 9 months while men are programmed to spread their seed far and wide (quantity > quality) since they have no such restrictions. We tend to have more testosterone than women. And on top of that, women are "**** shamed" for being promiscuous to boot! So it's not really something that we men should take "personally". When I look through matches on OkCupid my mind thinks "bang" "bang" "no" "no" "bang" "no" "definitely bang" "definitely not" (hey I am being honest here. It's not the only criteria that matters but that's a pretty important part of the criteria). The female sexual selection process is a wee bit more rigorous than that.  Men are more picky about who they wanna wife up though. Because monogamy kinda goes against our nature (however men are capable of having that chemical reaction in the brain associated with "love". Because psychoevolutionarily, it was adaptive for women to select for men who would stick around long enough to support her through a pregnancy.) Plus if women were as promiscuous as men, everyone would have STDs. There's that.


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## komorikun (Jan 11, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> This is true. Sexually frustrated males do not see it that way though. In our mind, we think "at least the woman that was used for sex was desired." I kinda resent the fact that even very unattractive women can get laid without much difficulty. Whereas we have to work really hard for it. Women are psychoevolutionary programmed to be more selective though (quality > quantity) because they can only reproduce every 9 months while men are programmed to spread their seed far and wide (quantity > quality) since they have no such restrictions. We tend to have more testosterone than women. And on top of that, women are "**** shamed" for being promiscuous to boot! So it's not really something that we men should take "personally". When I look through matches on OkCupid my mind thinks "bang" "bang" "no" "no" "bang" "no" "definitely bang" "definitely not" (hey I am being honest here. It's not the only criteria that matters but that's a pretty important part of the criteria). The female sexual selection process is a wee bit more rigorous than that.  Men are more picky about who they wanna wife up though. Because monogamy kinda goes against our nature (however men are capable of having that chemical reaction in the brain associated with "love". Because psychoevolutionarily, it was adaptive for women to select for men who would stick around long enough to support her through a pregnancy.) Plus if women were as promiscuous as men, everyone would have STDs. There's that.


Women also can work on quantity too. The more guys to help you out with things, financially or otherwise the better. That might also be why women like to have male friends that have the hots for them. They can get stuff out of them and in case they break up with their boyfriend or whatever they might want to date the male friend.

Also I think it was better for both sexes, not just for women, for the guy to stick around to help care for the child, and not just through pregnancy. Children with only one parent probably had extremely high mortality rates in the past. But guys had to be picky about who they would stick around for cause resources were scarce.

When I go through OKCupid, it's similar to you but a bit more complicated. Some guys are good looking enough that I would not really need to be wooed much at all to have sex. Other guys I would be willing if they wooed me some and were interested in a relationship. Others if maybe they had a superb personality, had money, and were generous with it, I might think about. And others....just no way. The better looking the guy the less wooing needed. I think guys do the opposite. They might be willing to screw any woman that isn't obese or menopausal but the amount of time and money they are willing to spend is directly related to how attracted they are to the woman.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

To the OP: Would you bother going out looking for a job if employers were calling you at home regularly, offering you jobs, sometimes, pretty good ones?

Of course, you wouldn't.


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## RelinquishedHell (Apr 10, 2012)

I have had girls initiate with me before, and it is always girls I'm not interested in. I hate rejecting because I feel pretty bad about it. But what else am I supposed to do?


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## Twelve Keyz (Aug 28, 2011)

evolution bro


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

Some girls do, some don't.


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## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

Girls initiated with me. I vomited on their shoes and tried to speak, but my tongue tasted lunch, throat was acidic, and teeth were chattering, as my gums bled (separate problem), so nothing came out words wise.

Later, I cried.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

komorikun said:


> Men are choosers too. Men are very picky about who they commit to.


There is an element of truth to that.


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## Khantko (Apr 27, 2012)

b0m said:


> Why not? :|


because ALL girls are insecure, even the hot ones. Girls always judge themselves and compare their looks to models in magazines and ads. Thats why there is a million dollar industry around makeup.

Thats why when they see a cute guy, that get nervous and trip all over themselves


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