# Starting to date in your 20s or 30s



## estse (Nov 18, 2003)

How does one approach dating as a beginner when you're past the usual? Any self-experiences you're willing to share? (Thnx in advance if doing such)

Someone told me I'm gonna die, die all alone.


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## slyfox (Nov 18, 2007)

I can't help, but I'm having the same problem. I've never been on a date before. I feel like everyone has so much more experience than me.


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## Brax (Jun 15, 2005)

I was just myself. It worked out pretty well, considering that's all I can be. I know that sounds hokey, but it's true. If you're nervous there's really nothing you can do about it but jump in. 

All the healthy and reasonably healthy people I've ever asked have said the same thing. Just go up to a person, greet them, start a conversation.


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## pittstonjoma (Nov 10, 2003)

I started dating at 22. I met the guy at work, we talked a lot, and eventually we started dating. Express interest if you are interested in someone. It can help, because they may be interested too but afraid to speak up.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

I'm faced with the same situation. I want to start dating, but I'm not quite sure where to start.


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## shyvr6 (Feb 18, 2008)

Well I guess the only good thing would be that your date will most likely have experience so let them take most of the control and go with the flow for the first couple dates.


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## climbingupthewall (Apr 24, 2009)

I can't stand dating. A lot of people don't like it, it's nerve racking. It's always best if you can just meet someone at work/school. Then start talking and then go on dates. But you just can't make this happen, you just have to hope that it does. I'd honestly rather be single than go on blind dates...it's no fun at all.


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## scaredtolive (Mar 19, 2009)

I'm 26 and just started really dating. I mean I've been on dates before but few and far between. The biggest thing is just getting out there and doing it. If you have little experience the only way to get experience is by forcing yourself to do it. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing half the time but I just try and go with it. She knows I'm not very experienced as far a relationships go and doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I've been on a blind date twice and they are nerve racking but they're kind of fun too.


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## srschirm (Jun 25, 2006)

Like scaredtolive says, you just gotta force yourself to do it. There's plenty of time for everyone here, but you gotta make something happen at some point. No one's going to come knocking on our doors wanting to date us. Unfortunately, "just doing it" is difficult for us.


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## Ringbearer (Dec 25, 2008)

I wish I had started dating in my 20's or 30's. I hope that those of you who are still in those age brackets will try to do it now, because it only becomes more difficult the longer you wait. I'm 49 now and never really attempted dating until I was 46. It was really hard and I was aware of being embarrassingly far behind everybody else in my age group, in terms of experience. I still managed to have a few successful dates, but ultimately my lack of experience scared people. My approach was to be honest about my past, because I assumed women would be able to see that I didn't know what I was doing anyway, so I might as well explain it upfront. Although I got somewhat discouraged and haven't been dating recently, I am practicing and trying to prepare better so I can eventually try again. I wish I could offer some helpful advice to all of you, but I don't think there's any quick fix solution. The best we can do is to be honest about who we are and try to keep improving and hope to find a woman who will accept us.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

People our age have been in at least one or two relationships. I feel like a child. Girls have liked me before and I blew it. When I'm interested I never do anything. I just make weird remarks to girls I like (drunk). 

Do you go out much? I go out and drink and still can't do anything. I talk to lots of girls but never get very far. I'm not really helping. I guess the best thing to do is just drink lots of beer (in general), and if there is a girl that you like, ask her out all drunkenly. She'll either say yes or no. It's pretty simple.


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## tictoxic (Apr 28, 2009)

I think SA is responsible for any ****ty things I have done. Since I don't feel comfortable in public with new people, that only leaves hanging out at my/their house. And sometimes I decide (maybe not consciously) to break the ice by getting a little physical. So, um, keep that in mind and be careful?

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who does/did this?


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## hypestyle (Nov 12, 2003)

hmm... i'll have to start going out in groups again sometime this year.. groups are more relaxed.. but I still never meet anyone that i'm interested in going out 'one on one' with.. argh.. i still feel like that will 'never' happen..


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## Akane (Jan 2, 2008)

I had a relationship but I didn't really date until a little over 2 years ago. It was a weird situation.. don't ask... So far everyone I've dated and boyfriends I've had since the first one I met on dating sites like okcupid.com. I spent a year basically practicing. Emailing, iming, and talking to guys on the phone (that was interesting and failed horribly) but eventually I got up the courage to meet someone in person. Then found someone to hang out with which kind of turned into dating but he was a lot more serious about it than me and we just wanted too different of a relationship and future so I recently broke up with him. Now I'm unofficially dating another guy I was talking to online after messaging him on okcupid.

It's far from impossible. The difficulty is just finding people to meet and try dating which is why I ended up looking online. I have no coworkers, I'm going back to college after a 3year break which makes nearly all the guys in my classes younger than me, and the only other frequent contact I have with anyone are all married guys or again several years younger than me. There are a lot of people using online dating because of similar situations. There are also a lot of people using online dating just to easily find sex partners so you do have to dig through the useless messages and profiles to find the good ones.


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## Hot Chocolate (Sep 29, 2008)

I don't think I am ready to date now  I am in my early 20's but I would like to concentrate on getting my certificates first before looking for a date.

In fact, I put school on my no.1 priority right now than anything else and even dating..

And no, I have not dated before and yes, I sometimes do want to experience what it is like to be dating someone that I actually like...not just some random guys thrown at me.


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## ShEeNa (May 2, 2009)

tictoxic said:


> I think SA is responsible for any ****ty things I have done. Since I don't feel comfortable in public with new people, that only leaves hanging out at my/their house. And sometimes I decide (maybe not consciously) to break the ice by getting a little physical. So, um, keep that in mind and be careful?
> 
> Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who does/did this?


You are definitely not the only one, but mine are not only brought on by SA. Alcohol always played a big part in it also. It was only really once, but i is definitely not something I'm proud of...


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## karmakatcher (May 3, 2009)

ShEeNa said:


> You are definitely not the only one, but mine are not only brought on by SA. Alcohol always played a big part in it also. It was only really once, but i is definitely not something I'm proud of...


I totally agree. I think that the combination of alcohol, trying to appear normal, and struggling with SA in a huge club makes you a bit overly flirty/confident. You try and overcompensate for your 'weirdness' by laughing a lil too hard, telling too many jokes, touching ppl cuz you think it will make them more comfortable around you. I have been in a lot of experiences where my just being nice has been misinterpreted as wanting to hook up with someone. You really have to watch yourself or you could end up in a bad situation.


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## tim78 (Nov 2, 2008)

I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 28. It didn't end well. I haven't dated since, and now I am 30. Dating sucks. The whole process sucks, especially for someone with sa. I'm getting really desperate. I want to date, but I realize that I'm not really ready. I don't really even still know how to do about asking someone out.


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## ShEeNa (May 2, 2009)

karmakatcher said:


> I totally agree. I think that the combination of alcohol, trying to appear normal, and struggling with SA in a huge club makes you a bit overly flirty/confident. You try and overcompensate for your 'weirdness' by laughing a lil too hard, telling too many jokes, touching ppl cuz you think it will make them more comfortable around you. I have been in a lot of experiences where my just being nice has been misinterpreted as wanting to hook up with someone. You really have to watch yourself or you could end up in a bad situation.


I am definitely that person you just described. At the time you feel so good about what you're doing, but you just end up looking life a fool!


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## SloopjohnB (Jan 1, 2009)

I had my first date last summer, I approached it this way:

"I am 23 yes but age has no factor when it comes to gaining experience with things. I may have bloomed late but bloomed nonetheless."

I found out that the girl (who would become my gf for three months) was not worried about no experience, she was just very taken to me asking her. The whole time we were together I never worried about why it took so long, I just tried to enjoy it as much as possible until I broke up with her.


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## DeeperUnderstanding (May 19, 2007)

SloopjohnB said:


> I had my first date last summer, I approached it this way:
> 
> "I am 23 yes but age has no factor when it comes to gaining experience with things. I may have bloomed late but bloomed nonetheless."


That's a great attitude. I need to take that attitude when I think about these things.


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## SloopjohnB (Jan 1, 2009)

I just decided to step outside the box for a change, it was terrifying but it made me wiser and more confident. I know how to take a relationship now but I will wait until I feel that it is right this time.


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## karmakatcher (May 3, 2009)

ShEeNa said:


> I am definitely that person you just described. At the time you feel so good about what you're doing, but you just end up looking life a fool!


Ive found that now that I am aware that I do that, I dont want to appear ****ty so I just turn everyone down. Not a good way to get a bf, or at least not a normal one lol. Or I'll be overly nice to the not so cute guy cuz he's easier to deal with than the hot guy I actually wanted to go up to. And that is a terrible thing to do because 1) youre leading one guy on and 2) the hot guy might actually be checking you out and think that ur more interested in someone else. This happened the last time I went out and I was pretty surprised by it.
I've been on one real actual date. The other two were group dates. All 3 were awkward. Ive had countless internet relationships tho, HAHA. And actually the whole online thing has given me a bit of practice with flirting, which is how I got that one real date in the first place. It ended badly but at least I have the experience and got it out of the way.
You really really have to just put yourself out there.You would be so surprised at how much of an effect a smile or some sort of acknowledgement towards someone of the opposite sex can have. No I still dont have a bf (dammit) no I still havent kissed anybody (but after the way my dates go that is probably a good thing, bad memories :afr ). I count it all as little victories and I know the more confident I get with myself, the easier it will be for me to find a great person to spend my life with. Hopefully. Cuz I'll be damned if I end up the crazy cat lady lol.


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

I think dating will always be somewhat awkward. Expect that. No one is ever the same and some personalities never clash well no matter how confident you are. Everyone has there own preferences and styles. For me, I don't really get the whole, "Hey I don't know you well but I'll hold hands with you down the street and pretend like we loves eachother" thing. Some people expect closeness with someone early in the relationship, I for one think that builds the mroe you get to know the other person. All you can do is show up, attempt, and be yourself. Confidence as little to do with anything besides the approach, etc. Experience will only tell you that dating is 50% under your control and 50% under their's, and obviously you cannot control someone else. So expect the unexpected.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

I think I would have it more together at 33 than I ever would have at a younger age.


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## JakeWhite (Nov 29, 2010)

Dating isnt like it use to be. I dont think people will respond if you just walk up and say Hi im so and so would you like to go to dinner. Im pretty layed back as it is but i find my best approach especially with my SA is to work slow. I usually see someone im intrested in and smile and just say hello in passing. If shes intrested she will stick around. Opps bump into her at the bar later start a conversation. I guess i dont like my approach to come across to aggressive or threatening. To many other guys doing that enough as it is. Get to know them slowly and get the number for next time. Although this does hurt me sometimes to. Ive actually been to slow and missed opportunities due to SA. Sucks because ive got to know them at a later time and they always say same thing "I thought you were really stuck up or arogant and just didnt want to talk to me" what the hell does that mean? I dont understand. Stupid SA. I have been in plenty of relationships long and short and have plenty of experience but still have this problem. I rarely like dating within the group ie. friend of a friend. Usually pass on those most of the time and stay friends. But I have a hard time picking one that i am extremely attracted to and generating something out of thin air out some where. Usually to intimadated. Everytime i have we end up dating for long periods. Seems like if that isnt how it happens they just become one night stands, booty calls or just a friend. Had enough of all of those and want to narrow it down to more long term prospects. Its hard suffering from SA and being a little picky! I guess missed opportunities is better than the ladder which is getting to wasted because no matter what you look like no one finds that person attractive usually lol has worked though but never good :boogieShy or drunk guy crap shoot to hit the happy medium. What the hell? As far as 1on1 dates go i have only really been on them with people that i know. Such as someone i have been out with a few times with friends, hung out with few times out somewhere together or already in a relationship with. Guess that eases the anxiety. Only done it a few times but sitting across a dinner table shoveling food into your mouths while trying to look normal and find a common intrest conversation with a complete stranger not my idea of fun. My advice is to hang out in other situations first to become comfortable! Happy Hunting!


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Mercurochrome said:


> How does one approach dating as a beginner when you're past the usual? Any self-experiences you're willing to share? (Thnx in advance if doing such)
> 
> Someone told me I'm gonna die, die all alone.


To be honest, there are only a few things you can learn from dating:

1) Learn when to give up and move on.
2) If your a guy you call, text, ask out on date whenever YOUR ready.
3) Be open about yourself and be honest.
4) Pay attention to any red flags you might get from a date such as drug problems, emotional problems, etc.
5) Don't put your neck out too far for anyone new person you meet.
6) Be aware of your environment your meeting your dates (bars you will get drunk girls, etc).
7) Always, always, ALWAYS!!!!, go with you instincts on a situation (unless provoked by SA of course).
8) Never sacrifice your morals or beliefs just so you can be accepted.
9) After a few dates you will already be 80-90% "knowledgable" about dating in general because it is a simple thing if you don't let your emotions run rampid.
10) Don't push your date into anything too early or to where they would feel uncomfortable doing. In other words, take your time and let it happen NATURALLY.
11) You can hug or kiss on the first date. Really, there is no rules but it is common that one of these two things happen at the end.
12) If a woman WANTS to date you it will be easy. If a woman isn't serious about dating you then it will be impossible. Don't ever, ever, ever think they are in the gray area, ever! It is always either they are interested enough to date or not. That's it. Read the cues, and they usually are in forms of unresponsiveness. So, it is easy to date if your date wants to date you but hard if she doesn't; therefore, dating is easy. She will go through hoops if she likes you.
13) If your a guy just keep asking her on dates maybe once or twice a week until things progress naturally to where a connection is made (usually on the first date so pay attention!) and take it from there.

Anything else I'd like to say I forgot because IM at school and people are watching me and I forgot! 

Anyway, good luck! Your never too old to date, and your also a few dates off from being an expert because dating is relatively simple if two people want to get to know eachother, but if not then it is impossible. Remember that!


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