# No motivation to go dating



## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi,

I'm 35, and currently am not dating anyone (I have 1-2 friends i'm fwbish with but not often). Thing is I don't feel any desire to date and don't feel anything but superficial attraction (no pull) to most people right now, which is a marked contrast from before. Been depressed on and off like many others on here, which may play a part (libido, etc is all normal or higher than normal). I get lonely as a result but simply can't seem to muster the desire to date someone no matter how hard I try to get into it (even if I feel attracted to them). 

Most of the time I do get approached it's usually younger men 21-26 (probably mistaking my age) which isn't an issue really, just that most of them aren't really the type I expect want an LTR. Wondering if anyone is in the same boat.


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## Richard83 (Aug 14, 2012)

Well, I just turned 32 and also not dating anyone. I also don't feel the desire to date, although I would like to have a girlfriend. So apart from our age, the only difference between us is that you have people of the other sex hitting on you, while in my case they don't even seem to consider that. 

So based on what you have told here, I would firstly say: be happy that people of the other sex show interest in you (or try 15 years of being single, if that sounds better to you), and secondly: if you don't feel like dating, then don't. And if, after a period of not dating, you feel like dating again, then go for it.


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## Crystalline (Dec 1, 2008)

That attention has at times gotten dangerous, so no, it's not something that is always to be thankful for. There's a bad and good side to everything, and if that kind of attention doesn't really result in something beneficial there's not much that will come of it.

And as a 35 year old, knowing the statistics, it's much, much more difficult to date as a 40 year old female. I'd like to have something long term and stable before then, which is why this lack of desire to date/lack of deeper attraction to most people is problematic.


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## SofaKing (May 9, 2014)

Let's be honest, dating is annoying. It shouldn't be, but it's more game play than it should be.

I like making friends and getting to know someone outside the dating world and then seeing where that friendship goes. In this way, there is no pretext that creates the fakeness that often comes with dating.

When you're making a friend, you can often have your true opinions, likes/dislikes, etc. 

When you're dating, depending on how attractive you might find the person, you may feel the urge to be more agreeable or compromise your positions to make yourself seem more compatible or for them to seem more compatible to you.

So, yeah...dating is a different social construct that often is a misrepresentation of the individuals involved.


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## FixMeNow (Aug 20, 2014)

Well, I know the only reason I can't get a date is because of where I live. Everything about where I live has clashed with my needs since the very beginning, but the catch-22 is that at this point I have Stockholm Syndrome as a result of my experiences, and have thus become tied to this place. Perhaps you should consider a change of location to see if it changes your perspective?


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## Agricola (Feb 20, 2015)

KyleInSTL said:


> Let's be honest, dating is annoying. It shouldn't be, but it's more game play than it should be.
> 
> *I like making friends and getting to know someone outside the dating world and then seeing where that friendship goes. In this way, there is no pretext that creates the fakeness that often comes with dating.*
> 
> ...


I agree. I never dated a woman that I was not friends with already. I have tried the bar scene and I feel that it is a waste of time and effort.


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## macky (Jan 25, 2015)

Crystalline said:


> That attention has at times gotten dangerous, so no, it's not something that is always to be thankful for. There's a bad and good side to everything, and if that kind of attention doesn't really result in something beneficial there's not much that will come of it.
> 
> And as a 35 year old, knowing the statistics, it's much, much more difficult to date as a 40 year old female. I'd like to have something long term and stable before then, which is why this lack of desire to date/lack of deeper attraction to most people is problematic.


Not that my libido's gone or anything but due to having to sort my own issues out, I'm sort of avoiding romance at the moment. Mind you that could be the affects of depression arising from the aforementioned issues. Maybe I'm using the issues as a smokescreen. But either way, a relationship would not be ideal right now.

If that's you in your avi, im sure you'll be attracting young men for a long time. Call me an stupid old romantic though but I think the right guy will come along when you least expect it. And there are always older single guys about. Just keep on enjoying life and also trying now things, activities etc. Maybe one day you'll have that _emotional_ attitude change, however I think the right guy will bowl you over.


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## jsgt (Jun 26, 2011)

Guess I'm in the same boat. I'd like to find someone, but the search is just so tiring. Emotionally and physically(do serial daters age quicker? :lol) I've also thought about seeking out a FWB situation with someone, but even the thought of that tires me out. Having to go through all the BS...and even then, there's no guarantee that thing's will work out in your favor. I just don't have the desire and energy anymore. Not that I ever did though...6 years ago I went on 4 dates and one turned into a 4month relationship so...guess I haven't tried much. On top of all this, people today with the way they treat each other...****ing no thanks.


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## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

Crystalline said:


> Wondering if anyone is in the same boat.


I'm in the same boat, of the same age and gender as you are. 

The idea of a relationship just wears me out. I like the occasional company but I don't have the desire, time and energy to invest on another person.

This might be a result of long-term depression or maybe I have finally realised that all relationships are shallow and selfish. It's just that people give them ridiculous profundity.


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## wrongnumber (May 24, 2009)

I never really dated. I've also never actively pursued of felt compelled to date or be in relationships (though I'm in one now). After gaining some experience I feel like they're not something I need; I need emotional / social support, but it doesn't need to be in the form of a romantic relationship.


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## Hayman (Dec 27, 2014)

I've got to the age where I'm now about to give up and just accept I'm going to be single throughout my lifetime. I've never been able to get a date (even a simple, meaningful and long mutual conversation) and given the vast experience of most others of my age group by now, it would be pretty much pointless as I suspect anyone would run a mile from me when they realise I'm still very much at the 'starting grid' when it comes to any sort of relationship. A horrible 'catch-22' situation. Personally, whilst others will probably disagree, I feel it's very much '_Game Over_' for me, now. The sad thing is that I never even got the slightest chance to play it...

My desire for dating is still there to an extent (although fading by the year), but my motivation is now as close to being on the floor as it can get. I have no reason to be motivated given many years of 'nothingness'. I need something positive aimed at me in order for me to be motivated. I can't merely 'self-produce' this. If there is a way, then I've never figured it out.

Given I've always been single, could I now adapt to change? You know what they say - the older you get, the harder change comes to you. It could very well be a blessing in disguise that I remain single without anything remotely likely on the horizon&#8230; Some say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all but I'm not entirely sure about that. If you've never loved and are so used to being alone, then perhaps by the time you've got to our age it maybe better that way.


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## inane (Oct 21, 2013)

Dating can feel very superficial and deceitful.

Falling in love is worse. Once you go down that rabbit hole, god help you.


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## kesker (Mar 29, 2011)

Crystalline said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm 35, and currently am not dating anyone (I have 1-2 friends i'm fwbish with but not often). Thing is I don't feel any desire to date and don't feel anything but superficial attraction (no pull) to most people right now, which is a marked contrast from before. *Been depressed on and off like many others on here, which may play a part* (libido, etc is all normal or higher than normal). I get lonely as a result but simply can't seem to muster the desire to date someone no matter how hard I try to get into it (even if I feel attracted to them).
> 
> Most of the time I do get approached it's usually younger men 21-26 (probably mistaking my age) which isn't an issue really, just that most of them aren't really the type I expect want an LTR. Wondering if anyone is in the same boat.


I think depression can play a huge part. Does the idea of dating seem like too much work? Like you just don't feel like playing the game?

I was very much in the same boat a long time ago so decided to hell with it and started doing things I enjoyed on my own purely for the enjoyment of the activity with no goal of meeting anyone and I met someone, dated and married.


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## Findedeux (Mar 16, 2012)

There's a big difference between selfishness and self-interest. I would agree all relationships are about self-interest. That doesn't make them inherently selfish. Sure, people have to generally be getting enough out of a relationship in order to want to be in that relationship, but many relationships are very nurturing and healthy.



TheVoid said:


> I have finally realised that all relationships are shallow and selfish. It's just that people give them ridiculous profundity.


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## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

Findedeux said:


> There's a big difference between selfishness and self-interest. .


I think it's a fine line. 
:wink2:

Sorry but I haven't seen a lot of "healthy" relationships. People just try to pretend like they are in healthy relationships when in reality, most relationships require a lot of sacrifices and personality changes to adapt and be compatible.

People think that this is mutually beneficial but it is not. What happens in real life is that the person who is less manipulative and aggressive ends up giving up and living a life that is less than satisfactory, for the sake of kids or religious norms. This usually happens to women as social norms require them to be the one who is more passive.


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## Evo1114 (Dec 9, 2012)

My problem is my lack of desire for changing my routine that I've had for over a decade. Like I'm so used to hiding in my apartment alone all weekend. Because of minor things like that, I just don't think I really give it my 100% when I'm dating somebody. And then next thing I know, it's all over. I still try to 'meet' people on online dating sites (in the rare instance I find somebody), and will continue to do so. Hopefully one of these times I will just meet somebody who I would really want to change for.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

There's no rush unless you want kids. If you force things, you might just end up wasting time on relationships you aren't genuinely invested in.


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## chompers (Feb 3, 2015)

TheVoid said:


> I think it's a fine line.
> :wink2:
> 
> Sorry but I haven't seen a lot of "healthy" relationships. People just try to pretend like they are in healthy relationships when in reality, most relationships require a lot of sacrifices and personality changes to adapt and be compatible.
> ...


Amen sister! Keep tellin it like it is!

I used to think my parents had a great relationship because they cling to each other for dear life, but now as an adult I see how messed up and unhealthy it is. It's especially bad for my mother, who is constantly sacrificing and accommodating, because as you say she is the less aggressive and manipulative partner. It's so ingrained I don't even think she knows she's doing it.

So guess what? I found myself in a similar style of relationship, clinging onto someone as if my life depended on it, even though that person sucked balls. Hooray for freedom!


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## chompers (Feb 3, 2015)

Crystalline said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm 35, and currently am not dating anyone (I have 1-2 friends i'm fwbish with but not often). Thing is I don't feel any desire to date and don't feel anything but superficial attraction (no pull) to most people right now, which is a marked contrast from before. Been depressed on and off like many others on here, which may play a part (libido, etc is all normal or higher than normal). I get lonely as a result but simply can't seem to muster the desire to date someone no matter how hard I try to get into it (even if I feel attracted to them).
> 
> Most of the time I do get approached it's usually younger men 21-26 (probably mistaking my age) which isn't an issue really, just that most of them aren't really the type I expect want an LTR. Wondering if anyone is in the same boat.


Yep same ageish, gender, no desire to date.

I've never really dated in my life, or been in a situation where I felt I had to go out and hunt for a partner. It's always just sort of happened that I ended up partnered up with a friend.

So I'm just going to focus on friends, and if something happens organically, great. I can't be bothered to put in the effort and phony crap dating seems to require. I'd just be miserable and out of my element. I'd rather get with someone who likes me for my personality than because I can go buy some stupid clothes I don't even like and then put them on properly. I can't even do that anyway.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeah I'm pretty apathetic to it these days, I've had a decent amount of interest on dating sites which I kinda just leave idle but never act on any of it. I just....don't care? Not sure what it is.


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## mjkittredge (Sep 8, 2012)

Sounds like you're not meeting the right people for you, or something critical in the process just isn't happening. Try to get some quality conversation going, really get to know a person. Learn what they are passionate about, share what you are passionate about. Telling stories about your life, hearing theirs.

You probably know this already, but when you feel the right chemistry with a person the conversation and everything else seems to flow and and you can't stop smiling. And you get the sense you've found someone special.

I have bad streaks, frustrating times, where i go months (or even years it seems like) without meeting anyone I feel that spark towards. Sometimes I take a break from looking. Sometimes I take a lover or two for comfort, to get me through. But eventually, with enough effort, I always seem to find someone amazing who lights up my life.


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## Cate P (Jul 19, 2015)

KyleInSTL said:


> Let's be honest, dating is annoying. It shouldn't be, but it's more game play than it should be.
> 
> I like making friends and getting to know someone outside the dating world and then seeing where that friendship goes. In this way, there is no pretext that creates the fakeness that often comes with dating.
> 
> ...


I am terrified of dating because men never get to know me.... I don't want anyone to like me because I'm good looking. I was dumped after 22 years of marriage because I was too old and out of shape. Why bother fixing myself up to attract someone to be left for a younger woman again? I can't compete, so I don't.

I avoid gong out because of the stress. I kind of have a "fake" outgoing happy face I force when I'm with people. No one understands how shy I am


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## Deadguy (Aug 19, 2011)

I've really lost interest in the past couple of years. I've lived with women in the past and absolutely hated it. I also don't want kids and I never feel lonely so I really have no desire to ever date again.


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## Dre12 (Jul 25, 2014)

AussiePea said:


> Yeah I'm pretty apathetic to it these days, I've had a decent amount of interest on dating sites which I kinda just leave idle but never act on any of it. I just....don't care? Not sure what it is.


I kind of feel like I should do something about it just because, but do I actually really want to do anything about it? Is it even possible anymore? Apathy.


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## bbarn (Dec 22, 2007)

I would like to but am being held back at the moment. I think that my anxieties outweigh my hopes and dreams of one day finding somebody. I hope i can turn that around in time before i become some lost soul dreaming but never taking any action


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## Schmosby (Jan 26, 2014)

I'm 35, I'd like to be in a long term committed relationship, but I don't really get to know many new women in life, I do get women after me, but they seem to usually be after sex or have decided that we are going to be together forever when I have no interest, the whole thought of all of it just makes me feel tired, like I'd rather just nap...which I would.


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## ShinigamiKai (Aug 6, 2015)

I hate dating. I wouldn't mind having someone but the process of weeding through all the terrible choices is just too much. Everytime I bite the bullet and try to force myself, I have another bad experience :/


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