# Missed everything in life - Less than a year to fix



## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

*Backstory - Skip to goals if you want*

It's winter and I've plunged headlong into depression again for the bazillionth time. This time it's different because I am about to end my 20s and I have nothing to show for it. No job, no house, no girlfriend, no close RL friends, no life experience such as travelling, partying, being rebellious, having _engaging _sex, college experience, high school graduation... I mean nothing.

My 30 year birthday is looming over the horizon and my family expect to celebrate me. For me, this is the ultimate humiliation. To be celebrated when you are a loser. Ordinary birthdays are horrible, with lukewarm interest about my life and stories from my siblings about how great their lives are. To sit with that humiliation on my 30 yo birthday is more than I can take. I must change, I must do something to combat this. It's a do-or-die moment.

*Goals*

I believe in setting specific goals to be able to achieve them. This is a way for me to formulate all my goals in writing.

*Fitness and health*
Starting today, 23th of december 2013 I will start exercising at the gym once per week with a full body rotation of basic compound movements. I will also perform one session of cardio per week as well as doing bioenergetic routine in the morning. (



) Yes it does work for me. I will gradually increase my workout sessions to 2 gym sessions (compound) 2 cardio sessions and one gym/cardio session which is split (isolation exercises + cardio) for a total of 5 exercise days. My goal is to get decrease body fat percentage and become stronger.

I will seek out psychotherapy for my social problems and depression.

*Sleep and nutrition*
I will prioritize sleep and go to bed no later than 12 pm.

I will stop drinking coffee and instead exchange for drinking diet coke as a first step. This will help me sleep better from previous experiences.

I will exchange my candy for healthier food and protein shakes.

*Studies*
From the 23rd of december I will remind myself that without my studies I cannot achieve the other things I want in life. I will focus on my studies because I want to go on exchange later in another country. I will focus on my studies because I will be able to get a good salary and live well. My studies are a way for me to experience life, therefore I must prioritize them. Without studies I will never be able to help other people from experiencing the same hell as me, therefore I must succeed.

*Travels*
I will save money to a sum of 3000 Euro to be used during this summer for travelling. My goal is to buy an interrail card and travel through europe.

I will visit a rock festival or see a concert.

*Social*
Unless studies or similar important things deter me I will say yes to meeting up with people even though it might scare the **** out of me.

I will go to parties if I have time for it and talk to people there.

I will make an effort to initiate meeting people (like going for a beer at the pub or similar) even if it scares me.

I will make myself aware when I put on my well polished face instead of being who I am and strive for showing the real me. I will also stop saying sorry all the time and stop worrying what others might think if I disagree with them.

I will try some drugs to get it out of my system.

I will be more open about myself and let people inside.

I will invite people to my home even if it scares the hell out of me.

I will eat in front of people even though they might judge me.

I will do what I want and not what others expect me to do.

*Sex and relationships*

No more porn videos. Looking at pictures is okey for now.

I will not be ashamed that I have sexual desires or that i am a sexual being.

I will do my very best to allow myself to be vulnerable and open to people.

I will be myself instead of trying to impress women. If they do not like me then to hell with them. I will show interest if I have interest in them even if it scares me to death.

I will do my very best to find myself satisfying sexual partners, not partners just to add stitches to the belt.

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That's about it I guess.


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## SunFlower2011 (Nov 30, 2011)

Good job for setting goals and trying to be positive.  VERY NICE.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

SunFlower2011 said:


> Good job for setting goals and trying to be positive.  VERY NICE.


Thank you  I actually think it's more determination than positivity. It's my last push in life, I throw everything I have into this.

I've read about SA and AvPD and I think a lot of the SA I had is actually something I've overcome, the biggest issues is the AvPD which I thought belonged to my personality. I hope it's still ok to post here still since the two illnesses seem to be intertwined in some form.

Broke some patterns today
Went to the gym + 40 min walking
No coffee - no porn - no candy
Stopped stacking dishes in my room to clean once a week
Bought christmas presents (usually buy them 24th)

Ill write weekly, just wanted to show that I actually started. Merry christmas everyone.


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## Bluestar29 (Oct 26, 2013)

It is about putting work. You will see the fruits of your labors Day by day. keep at it!


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## stewartoo7 (Mar 6, 2013)

im doing the same sort of thing its time to make changes and i make sure every step closer i get i treat myself with something good. when you are at the bottom the only way is up


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

Bluestar29 said:


> It is about putting work. You will see the fruits of your labors Day by day. keep at it!


Thanks mate, seems to be two steps forward one step backwards though.



stewartoo7 said:


> im doing the same sort of thing its time to make changes and i make sure every step closer i get i treat myself with something good. when you are at the bottom the only way is up


I wish you the best of luck mate with your endeavor.

*Update for this week*

I've spent probably ten hours a day this last week reading about SA, toxic shame, watching videos and really learning about the illness. The good news is that I think I have found the source of all my problems and that I can separate my shame from my being. This is pretty huge in my life. The bad thing is that I'm depressed and getting SA in everyday life now which is killing my willpower and energy to change.

I also contacted my mother and told her about the things I had been hiding most of my life. I must admit I got disappointed by the response. I thought maybe it would be interesting to ask why i would hate myself and consider myself a flawed being. Maybe at least some empathy when I had lived my life without any real friends, partner while being emotionally numb. (Those are the reacions I get when people tell me stuff like that).

She thanked me for telling her and said she thought I was strong for studying and knowing so much about myself that she loved me and that I had her to turn to. It's like the words are there, but there are no emotions behind it. She didn't even read the link I sent her describing the things that were ailing me. It got me started thinking that we never really showed any affection in my house. It was like a place without emotions. Maybe I'm expecting too much expecting some emotional feedback.

Set up two dates as well but I was very reluctant. Im seeing a good looking girl tomorrow and I feel like a complete wreck. Gonna force myself to go anyhow.

Gonna work out as well tomorrow and get started on my studies. I've spent all my study time on SA/toxic shame.

I'm also gonna visit a group therapy meeting next wednesday if they are open on holidays.


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## Ashley90 (Apr 11, 2011)

Some great goals you have! I just wanted to suggest that you look into tabata or HIIT training for your cardio. For fat loss HIIT is much more efficient than steady state cardio. Also it isn't time consuming, all you need is around 20 minutes. You can easily perform it at home using a jump rope, or sprinting outside.

Also I wanted to let you know that you don't have to cut out coffee completely. Black coffee and green tea are great to consume before your workouts instead of taking pre workouts.

Imo completely cutting out candy and other junk food seems to be extreme. At the end of the day when you want to lose weight, it is about calories in vs. calories out. There is a flexible dieting protocol called "If it fits your macros" or "IIFYM" for short. The reason I'm mentioning this is you want to find something that will be sustainable in the long run. After all, life is short! You still want to enjoy yourself here and there. Here is a website that talks about IIFYM & a calculator to calculate your daily macronutritent requirements based on your fitness goals. I like to track what I eat on an app called myfitnesspal to ensure I adhere to my daily macros.

Next time, try meditating & deep breathing before your date. I swear it'll make you feel so much more relaxed! I am also learning about visualization right now. The next time you are nervous about something, visualize how you want the situation to turn out, what kind of steps you will take to lead to your desired outcome. Then when the time comes, you will feel more prepared and confident to tackle it.

Good Luck


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## JH1983 (Nov 14, 2013)

I know how you feel, I just turned 30 three days ago myself. Good luck with all your goals.


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## AngelClare (Jul 10, 2012)

I like your goals. Especially working out. Try working out in the morning. That's what many successful people do. There is something about working out that sparks that desire to succeed and win. And it feels great whenever you lift a weight you couldn't before or do a workout longer than you could in the past.

Oh, don't try drugs other than alcohol and marijuana. That really shouldn't be on your list. I smoke marijuana and I can tell you it's a waste of time. It's fun at first but it doesn't feel the same after a while. 

Also, keep in mind that it is very HARD to change your old habits. So, if you have setbacks don't quit. Keep trying.


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## Quatermass (Oct 6, 2013)

Those are some pretty ambitious goals! And they are specific as well. I think that's an important detail. Reading this has been inspirational. I have to sit down and actually concretize my own goals for 2014, it's probably the only way they could possibly become reality. It's so easy to tell yourself: "_This_ year I will definitely change my life!" But if you don't bother to specify _what_ you're going to do to change your life, it's probalby not going to happen. That's the misstake I've kept making up until now. I desperately need some structure and organization in my life. Sometimes I think that may have been a bigger problem for me than my social issues.

I wish you the best of luck with this, hope it works out for you!


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

Ashley90 said:


> Some great goals you have! I just wanted to suggest that you look into tabata or HIIT training for your cardio. For fat loss HIIT is much more efficient than steady state cardio. Also it isn't time consuming, all you need is around 20 minutes. You can easily perform it at home using a jump rope, or sprinting outside.
> 
> Also I wanted to let you know that you don't have to cut out coffee completely. Black coffee and green tea are great to consume before your workouts instead of taking pre workouts.
> 
> ...


Thanks for all the advice. I am waiting a bit with HIIT and similar because I have asthma. My endurance is very bad as well, it feels a bit stupid to go from no cardiovascular training straight into HIIT. For now I'm gonna do cardio, not steady state fat burning cardio but the one that increases the oxygen uptake. 
I did HIIT before and it was great and very demanding!

IIFYM is great, I used it for cutting a while back. Im not going into a cutting cycle, more of body recomposition (http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/) where I will just exercise and eat pretty much the same caloric intake but with different macros ofc. With muscle memory I should be able to get muscle back and burn off some of the fat.

Visualization sounds pretty cool. I guess it's a good way for the brain to do something without having to actually do it. When you get to the date you allready have experience.  At the momeny I'm just relying on having no expectations and just seeing it as learning experience. I really have no clue on how to date. If a girl shows me interest and I know she's interested it is so easy to act on that, but dating, I have no clue.



JH1983 said:


> I know how you feel, I just turned 30 three days ago myself. Good luck with all your goals.


Likewise m8, I hope you find a way to work around those depressive thouhts as well. 



AngelClare said:


> I like your goals. Especially working out. Try working out in the morning. That's what many successful people do. There is something about working out that sparks that desire to succeed and win. And it feels great whenever you lift a weight you couldn't before or do a workout longer than you could in the past.
> 
> Oh, don't try drugs other than alcohol and marijuana. That really shouldn't be on your list. I smoke marijuana and I can tell you it's a waste of time. It's fun at first but it doesn't feel the same after a while.
> 
> Also, keep in mind that it is very HARD to change your old habits. So, if you have setbacks don't quit. Keep trying.


Cheers man. Yeah I'm gonna actually do what you say. Working out in the mornings instead of the evenings. I think it's better for sleep as well

Yeah I know the whole drugs bit looks a bit wierd. The thing is I have never really done anything bad in my whole life. I was the good boy all the time, never had a teenage rebellion and kinda being forced to grow up because of bullying and troubles at home. I feel I missed out and I just want to let loose a bit. Obviously I have no intention of doing drugs in the long run. I'm just going to Holland to smoke a bit and then it's fine.

Yeah habits die hard as they say. :/



Quatermass said:


> Those are some pretty ambitious goals! And they are specific as well. I think that's an important detail. Reading this has been inspirational. I have to sit down and actually concretize my own goals for 2014, it's probably the only way they could possibly become reality. It's so easy to tell yourself: "_This_ year I will definitely change my life!" But if you don't bother to specify _what_ you're going to do to change your life, it's probalby not going to happen. That's the misstake I've kept making up until now. I desperately need some structure and organization in my life. Sometimes I think that may have been a bigger problem for me than my social issues.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck with this, hope it works out for you!


Thanks m8. You should definatly write your goals down as specified as you can and think about what you really want. The brain just can't handle vague goals because there's no way to actually get there. If you say "Travel more" then it might mean going to a city close by or another part of the planet. But if you say, "Visit the pyramids" then it's easier for the brain to formulate a plan.

Maybe another way is to make a "bucket list" of everything you want to do before you die as well.

I feel the same way about structure and organization, probably my weakest areas as well.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

The date didn't actually turn up. She cancelled, which is fine. I didn't expect women from an online site to be commited to meeting. That's 2/3 dates that haven't worked. First date I never heard from again after the date, the second stood me up and never answered when I asked what happened, last one cancelled. I cancelled one as well so I'm not better. 

I realized I've spent a lot of my life meeting women who are way below me in "market value" as a way of punishing myself. I mean abusive women, unattractive women, unintelligent women, etc. This to enforce the belief that I was worthless, that's why I cancelled the last date because I want to break that cycle and treat myself better. 

For now though I had to put all other goals on hold. I got an exam and if I fail it I am out of med school. This last week I have done nothing else than sleeping, studying and eating. I woke up one day with a pang of anxiety about the realization about failing med school and since then I've put more hours into studying than the rest of the semester together. 3 days left and I am semi confident I will pass. My brain is amazing when it isn't weighed down by depression, self doubt and self hate.


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## thirdcoming (Jun 29, 2013)

One advice, if you gonna stop watching porn videos, do yourself a favor and stop watching pictures as well.

good luck


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

thirdcoming said:


> One advice, if you gonna stop watching porn videos, do yourself a favor and stop watching pictures as well.
> 
> good luck


Cheers man, I took your advice and deleted all the pictures I had. I checked out a website called yourbrainonporn and I'm gonna go without masturbation, porn and fantasies as an additional goal. On my fifth day today and to my surprise I notice my social anxiety has lessened quite a bit. A few days ago I had trouble walking outside my house. When I was walking I got stiff and anxious when I was meeting people on the sidewalk. Now it went fine. Also my brain fog has lessened a bit as well which is great.

Yesterday was a very tough day, was crying a lot and had suicidal thoughts. Today life is a lot better. According to the yourbrainonporn site there is a orgasm hangover with symptoms such as severe anxiety, depression and similar and it does fit.

Went to the gym today and was in the common area for two hours today. It feels like I'm making a little bit of progress.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

The psychiatrist I met didn't take me seriously or listen to what I said. He referred me to another place which I called to try to make an appointment. They never called back. So the only route left to me was to go back to the beginning and talk to a woman in the primary care. Maybe she can refer me to someone who actually gives a damn. At least she listens to me even though she probably don't have the tools to help me. 

I had trouble going outside of my appartment today. At least I made a discovery about myself and one of my triggers to crying. I happened to glance at a picture of a person who is a genuinly caring and the floodgates just opened. I couldn't stop crying and sobbing. I've noticed a strong urge to cry by random events and now I could put them together. I get these feelings when a person genuinly show me that I matter as a person. That I am human. It is enough to get a comforting caring touch. I guess I want someone to just give me a hug and telling me everything will be fine, that I am not a failure as a person, that I am not horrible, that I do matter. 

It made me start thinking about events in my life where I have felt that I didn't matter. I remember my high school graduation day when only one person showed up to greet me at the cermony, that all the people who signed my student hat where people i had never met before. No one of my friends wanting to go celebrate with me. My celebration with my family felt like a mock celebration when comparing it to my brothers. 

Well it's all a haze really. I think graduation day stands out because it is a symbol of my life, a symbol that I deep down, don't matter. The only person who came, only came because he knew I would be completly alone otherwise. Both my parents had to work. In a way I really appreciate that he came, but on the other hand it feels even worse to be pitied on a day that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of a young persons life. 

I guess the positive spin of all this is that I am feeling well enough to feel bad. I feel my feelings have returned enough to express grief, sadness and anger.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

Wrote a rather angry message to my mother today. I have got so many flashbacks from youth. I was under the impression all my problem was because of my fathers drinking but I realize my mother is responsible for a lot of the emotional damage. I just don't have the mental energy to battle over the phone. 

She was controlling and didn't respect my boundries. She (and my brother) is the person who has shamed my sexuality which I needed to hide. I was her confidante when she needed to talk. I didn't have time for forming my own identity, I had to act as a support network, hide my fathers alcoholism and being worried about being burned alive. My father promised he would kill us if he would be thrown out. 

I was left crippled emotionally from the time I left home and haven't recovered yet. Today I spent most of the time crying. Mourning the time I've lost, mourning all the hate I have shown myself over the years when I am not to blame. My parents really set me up to fail. I am a member of mensa and every cognitive test I have ever done has had me in the top 1% of performers. Yet, how can someone like that fail high school? How come I fail my university studies when I have the capacity to pass a course by opening the course litterature for the first time, two days before exam? 

Allthough the tears are flowing it is also healing in some ways. It felt like I have been living inside a shell. I just didn't feel I had any control over life. Now I realize a lot of the things that kept me back is the deep beliefs my mother instilled in me. Beliefs that I don't give a **** about anymore. I can feel the shell cracking and for the first time ever I had a little bit of clear view of what I wanted to do. Not what was expected, but what I wanted to do. I didn't care if my mother would disapprove or not. 

Now my mother, my father and anyone who gets in my way will feel just a fraction of the loathing I have shown myself the last decade. I pity the person who will lay a single finger on my trying to restrain or control me. The bondage is over, I will never wear the chains again. I have finally realized, that my life is my own.


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## MrKappa (Mar 18, 2013)

I don't understand you lithocardium. You are blaming your father, for lost time, and loathing yourself for wasting time even further. Puzzle solving, unfortunately does not make one a top performer. It makes you rank high on the spatial and analytic scale of intelligence. That's a start many others may be genuinely struggling to achieve. Maybe they might enjoy your help rather than your superiority. The emotional return on that may be the first steps to increasing your emotional and leadership IQ.

Why pity those who want to show you genuine support, no matter how untrustworthy you might deem them?


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

MrKappa said:


> I don't understand you lithocardium. You are blaming your father, for lost time, and loathing yourself for wasting time even further. Puzzle solving, unfortunately does not make one a top performer. It makes you rank high on the spatial and analytic scale of intelligence. That's a start many others may be genuinely struggling to achieve. Maybe they might enjoy your help rather than your superiority. The emotional return on that may be the first steps to increasing your emotional and leadership IQ.
> 
> Why pity those who want to show you genuine support, no matter how untrustworthy you might deem them?


Your reply kinda pisses me off. Yes, I blame my father, because he was an abusive piece of ****. If you read up a bit about the subject about emotional abuse/neglect and alcoholism you'll find that a lot of people only connect the dots between their failing life and the troubles in childhood.

I am lamenting the fact that I went so long blaming myself for everything, thinking I was a flawed person. I feel betrayed to the very core and this blame and hate is a way to set up boundries and to take control over my life.

As usual people get caught up on ****ing IQ. It's not only IQ, I've done plenty of other tests. I only mentioned this to show the disparity between potential and my current situation. I don't consider myself superior to others because I'm smart, just as a person who is a good runner or a great artist doesn't look down on other people because other people might not be as fast or artistic.


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## MrKappa (Mar 18, 2013)

At least you are honest with yourself (tongue in cheek).

It's extremely difficult to forgive and empathize with those who we place blame onto. 

I don't want to hurt you, or anything, but we are mirror images of our parents. Nature vs Nuture, whether we want to face it or not, we are SOO much like our parents at the core.

I was adopted and it shocks me how similar I am when compared to my parents. So forgiving your father, may be the first steps to forgiving yourself. Hope that helps, this is only theoretical, everyone is different.

If it helps, I think your accuracy of opinion is like a razor blade with it's precision.

Hate is a great motivator, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it is good to forgive and be kind to yourself and others, understanding they have failed where you are currently fearlessly treading.


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## lithocardium (Dec 23, 2013)

The first step to forgiving myself is to realize I am not to blame for my childhood. And this I have done. The hate I am showing my parents is a way to build boundries around myself so that people will never abuse me again. It might not be hate, it's more of anger and anger can be very healing. It signalizes that you feel mistreated and the things I've realized from childhood makes me feel like i have been mistreated. That I didn't deserve all this. This anger therefore removes the thought of me being flawed.

In my world, some things are unforgivable. Especially if the person who commited said things doesn't regret anything. Forgiveness then only confirm that their behavior was ok,. I will never forgive my father and I will never forgive my bullies. But I will move on from both accounts.

*Update*

I went to the gym 3 times this week and I got my score back from my exam. If failed I would have been thrown out. I passed 75% correct answers and 60% being the passing threshold. So I am still in the game and I feel strong. If I managed to read half a semester worth courses in one intense week, I wonder how much I can accomplish this spring when my brain is working again.

I cut off my ties with my mother and all the rest of my biological family. From now on I am alone.


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## tobi08 (Dec 29, 2008)

Im finding inspiration in your thread thanks.


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## CalebIV (Feb 10, 2013)

The thing, that's helped me the most in the past few weeks (working hard at change just like you) is the belief, that hate is essentially baggage. It is like a free pass for people to control you or rather your perception of them controlling you. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been bitter and full of rage towards my entire family from 10 years. (I am only now about to turn 20, so you can imagine what a serious, overly-frustrated kid I am/was) But before you write me off, I don't think it's age that really matters as much as the time and effort you put into untangling your inner demons. I read quite a bit on the subject of personal development, depression and happiness, was seeing a psychologist for years. Probably 4-5 years of constant pondering, deep heavy thoughts and I am just now starting to get to the bottom of it all.

Forgiving others I think is the single most important step in fully accepting your current situation in life. The damage is done. Now it is time to put it behind you, because, not only are these thoughts draining waaaayyy too much of your daily energy supply, but there is also the little fact that you will "probably" never be able to personally change all the faults you see in the world and if you train your mind to filter the minor, meaningless problems first, you will eventually be able to focus completely and significantly change the things in life, that truly matter. You could put inner peace and true happiness into that category.

Give it a thought - for your own sake.

And good luck!

edit: Also "I will do my very best to allow myself to be vulnerable and open to people"... very good challenge. Hope you won't mind if I steal it.


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