# I told my mother today about SA...



## Shadow Kreator (Sep 12, 2007)

The whole situation was really awkward. I showed her the "What is social anxiety? -page from this site and said "I have this". However she reacted as I feared. She didn't understand at all. She just said things like "It can't be youve been in school etc.." and "Maybe it's just passing by". I said that I probably should go to a psycholgist but she just said that I should talk to my father about SA. This was a disappointment to me but a step ahead too I guess...


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## FairleighCalm (May 20, 2007)

I think it's a very good step forward. If your parents won't help you take responsibility, then the next step may be for you to take that responsiblity further. Congrats on getting it out there.


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## Sir Percival (Sep 18, 2007)

Well done! I've had plenty of unpleasant first steps, too, but sometimes, it puts a whole sequence of events into motion.

Your parents may start understanding more once they read more about social anxiety. I think the SA entry on Wikipedia has a Finnish page; you might show your parents that, too.

Wish you the best.


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## Shadow Kreator (Sep 12, 2007)

Thanks guys! Ive found the page I think it's gonna be helpful. I have only two worries for now 1. What if my father's reaction is the same as my mother's and 2. I don't acctually live in a metropolis so I wonder what if there's no treatment here available?


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

You've been very courageous through this process, Shadow Kreator. Give your parents some time, as they need to process the information for awhile.


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## IllusionOfHappiness (Sep 6, 2007)

It's great that you told her 

I still don't think my mom really believes me all that much. She seems to be coming around a bit, though.


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## DuckandCover (Sep 20, 2007)

It's really great that you built up the courage to tell you mom. I am sure it was really awkward, but atleast now she can understand you better. Feel proud that you got that out of the way.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I think sometimes parents are hesitant to believe that their children might be having difficulty because they might think it's their fault. It's probably important to show that you appreciate how your parents have treated you (assuming that's the case, haha) throughout this time period of parental doubts.


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## Tymsmom (Aug 24, 2007)

ardrum said:


> I think sometimes parents are hesitant to believe that their children might be having difficulty because they might think it's their fault.


 Important point, there, ardrum. I think that very well may be the case for some parents. To add to that, most parents simply want their child(ren) to be happy and carefree. It can be difficult to accept that there may be a problem that is causing the child(ren) distress and that it can't be easily "solved" with a cookie or a hug or a "just knuckle down and do it" attitude.

Bravo to you, Shadow, for taking that big step of talking with your mom. Please try not to give up even if she doesn't seem to "get" it first time round. It may take many, many discussions before she fully appreciates what you're going through. But it is so worth the effort. The more she understands, the more she'll be able to help you, and that includes being able to talk with your dad and broaching the subject of seeking professional assistance.

I'm very proud of you for getting the ball rolling. Well done.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

I haven't talked to my parents or family about SA before, but I don't think it is necessary in my case since I'm living on my own, with my own jobm, with health insurance, and could afford to see a doctor if I thought it was necessary. 

I've lowered my average SA from "medium" to "mild-medium" over the past few months in many areas of my life. When my anxiety was at its worst, I browsed around for medications and thought about the terrifying idea of seeing a doctor (and therefore telling my parents since I lived with them at the time). Now I don't feel any need to look at medication. I guess it just goes to show how our experiences can vary over time, especially when a few things go right in your life. 

I might slip back a bit sometime, but it's not a big deal since I recognize that I can pick myself up just like I've done before.

Keep us updated on how it goes, Shadow Kreator.


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## Shadow Kreator (Sep 12, 2007)

ardrum said:


> I haven't talked to my parents or family about SA before, but I don't think it is necessary in my case since I'm living on my own, with my own jobm, with health insurance, and could afford to see a doctor if I thought it was necessary.
> 
> I've lowered my average SA from "medium" to "mild-medium" over the past few months in many areas of my life. When my anxiety was at its worst, I browsed around for medications and thought about the terrifying idea of seeing a doctor (and therefore telling my parents since I lived with them at the time). Now I don't feel any need to look at medication. I guess it just goes to show how our experiences can vary over time, especially when a few things go right in your life.
> 
> ...


Thanks to everyone for answers  Truth to be told I havent been in this site for a month but now came back and saw how many had replied to my thread, thank you again :thanks

So I might as well give you the updates. The thing is I was basically at home most of the time when I created this thread (my school had ended and I quit the army) and now I have been working for a month at the local library.

Me and my mother had a few discussions about SA but I really doubt she understood any of it. She reached to the conclusion that I should talk to my father about it since he probably understands more about "these things" (he's a social worker). And well I ended up a dead end since I haven't got the guts to tell my father (It was somehow easier to tell my mum, thats why I told her about it in the first place).

And you might ask how does me working at library relate to this? Well when I was home I had plenty of time to think about SA...and it might sound strange to you but since Im working I have my share of social relations so eventhough it's not very pleasant I think about SA less and don't actively seek the methods for fighting it. And I also had my solitary hobbies so I didn't really have interest or effot to do anything else. Before working in the library when I was home I was depressed (since I had all the time in the world I thought SA a lot and that's what got me into action) but I did accomplish something I told my mum. I would have more likely have told my father if I hadn't gone to work.

My worst fear at the moment is that when I start my civil service (probably at January) I haven't reached anywhere and as I probably have to move out of home and can't handle it and cling up to my parents.

And if I told my father I might get some help through him since I know he knows some therapist's and other people. So it would be the best thing to do but I just don't seem to have what it takes to tell my father.

Any thoughts are welcome, thanks again.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

By talking to your father about social anxiety, you should not be looking for his approval or disapproval rather view it as an act of liberation for you. You don't have to keep this secret to yourself. 

How did you feel after you told your mother? My question is not about your mother's response to your disclosure just your feeling after telling her.
I told my friends and family and felt liberated that I am not hiding a secret. 

I found that whenever I moved from place to place, my social anxiety decreased because the need for survival trumps my social anxiety. In a new city I talk to strangers; something I wont do in my own city. I would rely on friends to help me.


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Try asking yourself what you think will happen if you tell your father. Then, ask what will happen if that happens. And then what will happen, etc. Pretty soon, you should find that your fears are distorting what you think will happen vs. what will probably happen.

Will your father belittle you or deny you have a problem? If so, what would happen? Etc...


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Not bad, Shadow Kreator! :boogie :boogie :boogie


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## Shadow Kreator (Sep 12, 2007)

tomcoldaba said:


> By talking to your father about social anxiety, you should not be looking for his approval or disapproval rather view it as an act of liberation for you. You don't have to keep this secret to yourself.
> 
> How did you feel after you told your mother? My question is not about your mother's response to your disclosure just your feeling after telling her.
> I told my friends and family and felt liberated that I am not hiding a secret.
> ...


Well I felt kind of good at first I guess but afterwards when it didn't get me any further I thought it was +/-0 and didn't get me anywhere from that point.


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## tomcoldaba (Jul 1, 2007)

Shadow Kreator said:


> tomcoldaba said:
> 
> 
> > By talking to your father about social anxiety, you should not be looking for his approval or disapproval rather view it as an act of liberation for you. You don't have to keep this secret to yourself.
> ...


The key point I am making is that you felt good at first. Later, you wanted your mother's approval or acceptance and when she declined to accept or approve, you felt bad. Part of social anxiety is the need to get people's approval or acceptance. I feel real bad when my family or friends are not embracing off my SA. It is really my handicap and not theirs.

Approach your father just to make you feel good that you are not hiding something from him. You are not really looking for his approval or acceptance; just that you are communicating with him. Many people think that social anxiety is an excuse used by a person who does not work and wants to live off the hard work of others. That is not true at all. I have SA and I know how hard it has been for me.

Not telling your father is only delaying your progress. Either he gets you help or tell you to help yourself. At least, you would know one way or the other.

IMO if you move away from home your social anxiety will become less as you face new challenges.

Good Luck to you. :clap


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## ardrum (May 13, 2007)

Yeah, I can attest to the benefits (and challenges) of moving out on your own.

I also am in solid agreement with tomcoldaba here.


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