# How do I get rid of him?



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

About a month or so ago, I met this guy at the gym who asked me on a date and seemed really interested in me and all that...
We've hung out a few times and I've already decided that I don't like his personality. He is extremely needy and pushy all the time. He has to text me every second of the day, just to tell me what he's eating o.0
To make things worse, he lives all the way in West Palm.....he could be doing anything right now and I wouldn't know it (not that I care anyway lmao).
I just think that he is really stupid and probably only in it for the sex/fantasy which he has built up around me. Which wouldn't be bad, except for the fact that I don't like him lol.
Out of all the times we've been together, I've discovered that he has a lot of problems....he has diabetes, smokes weed every day and basically has no future.
This really isn't a serious relationship or anything, but he's already told me that he loves me and all that bull**** =/ which made me REALLY uncomfortable.
I just don't feel the same way(don't even think he's THAT serious...just kind of stupid) and I REALLY want him out of my life. At the same time I feel kinda bad because he's so damn desperate =/


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

Oh my gawd and I though I was socially awkward.. :lol. After a friend of mine on SAS did a little experiment (she put up a profile on Plenty of Fish) and got inboxed by 20 dudes within 24 hours, I found out very quickly that there are a lot of idiots like the gentleman you described lurking on POF. And every single SAS guy (including myself) who has complained about the high male:female ratio on dating sites in the past should keep in mind that quantity is one thing but quality is an entirely different thing. Once you weed out the idiots and old dirty creepers, especially married old dirty creepers, the male:female ratio is probably a lot lower.

If you want to get rid of him, send him a text message and make it very blunt and honest: 

I am just not into you. You are obsessive. You send me way too many text messages. I don't need a play-by-play of what you are doing throughout your day. It's waaaaaayyy too early for you to start talking about falling in love. You are way too immature and desperate. And you are too pushy. Good day sir.

Yeah that might seem really mean and nasty. But he needs to hear it so that he will ****ing learn and stop being an idiot. I feel so sorry for people that are this utterly clueless.

As for him having diabetes. Is it Type I or Type II? If he has Type II diabetes and he's actually watching his weight, eating healthy and exercising, then I wouldn't hold it against him. Diabetes is for life once you have it I think? If it's Type I, that's something that you are born with. You have it for life.

As for the weed, every day might be excessive. I don't know. I don't judge people who smoke weed. I might try it one day if offered it again. But I've no interest in becoming a pothead (but I don't judge people who are).

As for not having a future, if he was an intelligent guy that was down on his luck with this crappy economy, that's one thing. But he's an idiot.


----------



## Define Me (Jan 2, 2012)

1. Tell him straight up you don't have feelings for him and that he is making you feel uncomfortable.
2. Tell him that you don't want to see him for a while.
3. Tell him to stop contacting you.

And if he doesn't buzz off, tell him you have a boyfriend and that he saw you guys together and all that crap. Go for it. I hate desperate guys like that, harassing the ladies.


----------



## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Be honest. Meet up with him and tell him you want to end the relationship. Apologise to him for being misleading.

It's bizarre that on a forum for people with psychological disorders, users are so eager to condemn those they know nothing about, and label others who are more than likely extremely similar to themselves. Just because this guy got the wrong impression of what you wanted doesn't mean it's acceptable to be a dick to him. Hanging out a few times doesn't give you the right to call him stupid or mock him for telling you he loves you. It's pathetic.

Re-read this post and tell me if you come across as incredibly obnoxious. You strike me as the kind of person who moans about how lonely they are and how little anyone cares about them until they get in a relationship, at which point they develop a crippling self entitlement complex. Yes, perhaps this guy is desperately in love with you. Don't let it go to your head. Let him down softly.



Kathykook said:


> I just think that he is really stupid and probably only in it for the sex/fantasy which he has built up around me.





Kathykook said:


> I've discovered that he has a lot of problems....he has diabetes


Sigh. That poor guy.


----------



## Paper Samurai (Oct 1, 2009)

kiirby said:


> Be honest. Meet up with him and tell him you want to end the relationship. Apologise to him for being misleading.
> 
> It's bizarre that on a forum for people with psychological disorders, users are so eager to condemn those they know nothing about, and label others who are more than likely extremely similar to themselves. Just because this guy got the wrong impression of what you wanted doesn't mean it's acceptable to be a dick to him. Hanging out a few times doesn't give you the right to call him stupid or mock him for telling you he loves you. It's pathetic.
> 
> Re-read this post and tell me if you come across as incredibly obnoxious. You strike me as the kind of person who moans about how lonely they are and how little anyone cares about them until they get in a relationship, at which point they develop a crippling self entitlement complex. Yes, perhaps this guy is desperately in love with you. Don't let it go to your head. Let him down softly.


I can see where you're coming from with this post; but I think there's also a lack of perspective that we have when it comes to this sort of thing thanks to being guys(who usually are the one's doing the chasing). Imagine for a second you didn't have a penis, and some dude after a couple of meetings madly professed his love for you. I can see how this could get incredibly awkward lets just say lol.


----------



## MsDaisy (Dec 27, 2011)

I would suggest changing your number.


----------



## blissful (Jul 23, 2010)

Obviously, this guy doesn't make you feel at ease so you have to tell him what's going on. I would just tell him in person since you can be direct and it would be respectful. Tell him that you are not interested in him and that you guys are not on the same page. Be firm in your words but don't be too harsh. You need to show him that you are adamant about your decision. Don't be ambiguous. Be clear and honest.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

kiirby said:


> It's bizarre that on a forum for people with psychological disorders, users are so eager to condemn those they know nothing about, and label others who are more than likely extremely similar to themselves. Just because this guy got the wrong impression of what you wanted doesn't mean it's acceptable to be a dick to him. Hanging out a few times doesn't give you the right to call him stupid or mock him for telling you he loves you. It's pathetic.
> 
> Re-read this post and tell me if you come across as incredibly obnoxious. You strike me as the kind of person who moans about how lonely they are and how little anyone cares about them until they get in a relationship, at which point they develop a crippling self entitlement complex. Yes, perhaps this guy is desperately in love with you. Don't let it go to your head. Let him down softly.


You'd be surprised. A lot of people with social anxiety disorder hate themselves. And they dislike anyone that is a reminder of themselves. And can be especially vicious towards other people who are lower on the totem pole than they are. A lot of girls with social anxiety disorder (but not all naturally) look down on guys with social anxiety disorder. I saw a thread the other day where a girl with SA said that she was thinking of dumping her very outgoing boyfriend. And so many of the girls on there were like "oh no, hold on to him! he's a keeper! I wish I had an outgoing boyfriend like him! He'd help me with my SA!" Some even going as far to say that an SA guy would just bring them down even more. No interest in starting a gender war but just something I've noticed having read the forums. I understand that the desire for hypergamy is socially and perhaps psycho-evolutionary engrained in women. But hypergamy is not sustainable without polygamy. And I can't imagine that many girls are ok with "sharing" ("waaahh why am I always stuck with the douchebags who cheat on me or only use me for sex before moving on to the next girl?!" There's your answer!). Hence the moaning about how lonely they are...

Honestly though I would not let him down gently though. He needs to LEARN how to interact with women. He needs constructive feedback on what he's doing wrong. His behaviour is NOT acceptable at all. He shouldn't be professing his love to a woman he barely knows. He shouldn't be constantly texting her like that. People need their space. Women get hit on by creepers all the time. It's a scary world out there for a woman. I'm sympathetic towards the socially awkward dudes. I know what it's like to be needy (though with a lot less intensity...). But yeah these guys badly need to improve their interpersonal skills. Feedback from girls is a helpful way to improve. Or getting peer advice (a lot of it can be bad though). Or looking towards the internet for advice (a lot of that advice can be bad too though). And you have a lot of opportunity to learn from your dating failures as well.


----------



## Define Me (Jan 2, 2012)

phoenixwright said:


> A lot of people with social anxiety disorder hate themselves. And they dislike anyone that is a reminder of themselves.


I kind of agree with this.

I liked a girl once, but when I noticed she seemed to have an SA of her own, the liking went away and I rejected her. She ended up calling me a person who played with her feelings etc etc, but oh well.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

Well, I never asked to be pursued by this kid. It's in my nature to be submissive, so it's only natural that I just went along with it. I never meant to hurt anyone. Even when I'm annoyed with people, I still give them the time of day. I don't have it in me to say no to people.
And on top of that, I thought he was kind of cute, so I was flattered.
I only had to spend a day with him to realize that he's got a lot more problems then me, and most of them are self inflicted.
And now I don't want to deal with someone else's long term problems, because it will drag me down. I am trying to change.


----------



## JimmyDeansRetartedCousin (Nov 28, 2009)

kiirby said:


> Be honest. Meet up with him and tell him you want to end the relationship. Apologise to him for being misleading.
> 
> It's bizarre that on a forum for people with psychological disorders, users are so eager to condemn those they know nothing about, and label others who are more than likely extremely similar to themselves. Just because this guy got the wrong impression of what you wanted doesn't mean it's acceptable to be a dick to him. Hanging out a few times doesn't give you the right to call him stupid or mock him for telling you he loves you. It's pathetic.
> 
> ...


Well said Kiirby.


----------



## AnxiousA (Oct 31, 2011)

Kathykook said:


> Well, I never asked to be pursued by this kid. It's in my nature to be submissive, so it's only natural that I just went along with it. I never meant to hurt anyone. Even when I'm annoyed with people, I still give them the time of day. I don't have it in me to say no to people.
> And on top of that, I thought he was kind of cute, so I was flattered.
> I only had to spend a day with him to realize that he's got a lot more problems then me, and most of them are self inflicted.
> And now I don't want to deal with someone else's long term problems, because it will drag me down. I am trying to change.


After such a short time you can't possibly know his problems are self inflicted. Dual diagnosis is a real, valid issue. Substance abuse isn't something people chose, or want.

Maybe being needy is just in his nature, as being submissive is in yours?

Fair enough to not be interested in him, or to feel it wouldn't be a healthy relationship, but it is unfair to judge him or critise him or make assumptions. How would you feel if someone told you that your issues were all your own making?

Just be clear but kind. Tell him you don't think it will work out and you are sorry. Say you don't want to see him again but wish him well.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

.....through a text message?


----------



## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

Kathykook said:


> Well, I never asked to be pursued by this kid.


He asked you out on a date, and you said yes. So, yes you did.



Kathykook said:


> It's in my nature to be submissive, so it's only natural that I just went along with it. I never meant to hurt anyone. Even when I'm annoyed with people, I still give them the time of day. I don't have it in me to say no to people.
> And on top of that, I thought he was kind of cute, so I was flattered.


Why are you making excuses as to why you're in a relationship with him? It's impressive that you managed to attract a guy when you have social anxiety disorder, I'm not denying that. And of course you weren't to know that you're not compatible without getting to know him first.

However...



Kathykook said:


> I only had to spend a day with him to realize that he's got a lot more problems then me, and most of them are self inflicted.
> And now I don't want to deal with someone else's long term problems, because it will drag me down. I am trying to change.


...once you acknowledged this, indeed, after the first day, then you should no longer be in a relationship with him. It's unfair to him and you can't blame him if you're on a different wavelength, especially seeing as the impression you're putting across appears to be so drastically different to what you're feeling. Just tell the guy. Call him, text him if you have to. You didn't need to make a thread to tell you what you already know. And if this guy is so stupid, and you think so little of him, then why does it matter anyway?


----------



## BobtheBest (Aug 27, 2011)

kiirby said:


> He asked you out on a date, and you said yes. So, yes you did.


Well, she accepted the offer, but had no control over him asking in the first place.


----------



## Knowbody (Jul 5, 2011)

If you lied and told him that you were born with both male and female organs and that you need to take hormone pills so you won't grow facial hair then I bet he'd stop calling/texting you.


but there's also a slim chance that might turn him on tho....


eh, I'd try it anyway if I were you.


----------



## phoenixwright (Jun 22, 2011)

kiirby said:


> And if this guy is so stupid, and you think so little of him, then why does it matter anyway?


I think she feels guilty about feeling this way. And wants some sort of assurance/permission from us that it's ok to look down on him like that.

Human nature is not very pleasant. I think we all have good and evil inside of us. We like to look down on other people. We like to justify it by saying that their problems are "self-inflicted." Giving a lot of thought about human nature can easily turn oneself into a misanthrope (throughout all of my University/college years I basically avoided social relationships with people because I assumed they would look down on me once they got to know the "real me"). We're capable of good too though. But yeah I think we're all jerks to some extent. This is why you don't disclose your problems to someone upfront when you get to know them. People are more accepting of your "issues" once they have accepted you as part of their pack. Humans are pack animals like that.


----------



## PickleNose (Jul 11, 2009)

Kathykook said:


> *I just think that he is really stupid* and probably only in it for the sex/fantasy which he has built up around me. Which wouldn't be bad, except for the fact that I don't like him lol.


 :haha



> I just don't feel the same way(don't even think he's THAT serious...just kind of stupid) and I REALLY want him out of my life. At the same time I feel kinda bad because he's so damn desperate =/


 Well, TBH, I know how he feels but since you're asking, I would tell you that you should never do things just because you feel sorry for someone. That's never going to help. It'll just dig you in deeper.

I think you're just going to have to tell him. You're going to have to eventually. He may or may not take it well but the longer you wait, the less well he's likely to take it. I guess you should try not to be mean about it but sometimes it doesn't matter with the desperate people. They sometimes get offended just because you don't like them. It's a delicate situation but you'll know right away when you tell him.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

I broke up with him via text message a few hours ago, after he asked me to take a shower with him o.o
He has not replied.


----------



## TheCynicalEye (Sep 7, 2011)

Kathykook said:


> I broke up with him via text message a few hours ago, after he asked me to take a shower with him o.o
> He has not replied.


He asked you to take a shower with him? I think even a text message break-up was too good for him.


----------



## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

TheCynicalEye said:


> He asked you to take a shower with him? I think even a text message break-up was too good for him.


Yeah, what a douche for wanting sexual contact with someone who he was in a relationship with...


----------



## TheCynicalEye (Sep 7, 2011)

WalkingDisaster said:


> Yeah, what a douche for wanting sexual contact with someone who he was in a relationship with...


He wasn't a douche for wanting sexual contact; he was a douche for wanting it so soon after asking her out.


----------



## AnxiousA (Oct 31, 2011)

TheCynicalEye said:


> He wasn't a douche for wanting sexual contact; he was a douche for wanting it so soon after asking her out.


What is douche-y about asking someone for sexual contact early in a relationship? If he was pushy, pressuring or rude that is one thing, but it just being early isn't a douche-y thing.


----------



## TheCynicalEye (Sep 7, 2011)

_[deleted]_


----------



## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Except, it wasn't five minutes later. It may come as a surprise to some shy people who take things verrry slowly out of insecurity, but this is not an abnormal time-span. It may be creepy, though I don't know enough to judge, but it's not douchey.


----------



## AnxiousA (Oct 31, 2011)

Rufus said:


> Except, it wasn't five minutes later. It may come as a surprise to some shy people who take things verrry slowly out of insecurity, but this is not an abnormal time-span. It may be creepy, though I don't know enough to judge, but it's not douchey.


Yes, they have known each other for a month.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

Rufus said:


> Except, it wasn't five minutes later. It may come as a surprise to some shy people who take things verrry slowly out of insecurity, but this is not an abnormal time-span. It may be creepy, though I don't know enough to judge, but it's not douchey.


But I simply DON'T LIKE him and therefore DON'T WANT to have sex with him. END OF DISCUSSION.


----------



## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

kiirby said:


> Be honest. Meet up with him and tell him you want to end the relationship. *Apologise to him for being misleading. *
> 
> It's bizarre that on a forum for people with psychological disorders, users are so eager to condemn those they know nothing about, and label others who are more than likely extremely similar to themselves. Just because this guy got the wrong impression of what you wanted doesn't mean it's acceptable to be a dick to him. Hanging out a few times doesn't give you the right to call him stupid or mock him for telling you he loves you. It's pathetic.
> 
> Re-read this post and tell me if you come across as incredibly obnoxious. *You strike me as the kind of person who moans about how lonely they are and how little anyone cares about them until they get in a relationship, at which point they develop a crippling self entitlement complex. Yes, perhaps this guy is desperately in love with you. Don't let it go to your head. Let him down softly.*


How was she misleading him? She went on a date with the thought something might spark between them, and then, by judging his actions, concluded she didn't like him. 
She's in no way pathetic. Pathetic is telling someone you don't know you love them...

It's hypocritical that you, the person giving the speech against judging, is actually judging the poster! You don't know her, what gives you the right? What makes your judgments correct and hers not?


----------



## Rest or Real? (Apr 1, 2011)

LOL


----------



## reno316 (Jun 13, 2009)

phoenixwright said:


> You'd be surprised. A lot of people with social anxiety disorder hate themselves. And they dislike anyone that is a reminder of themselves. And can be especially vicious towards other people who are lower on the totem pole than they are. A lot of girls with social anxiety disorder (but not all naturally) look down on guys with social anxiety disorder. I saw a thread the other day where a girl with SA said that she was thinking of dumping her very outgoing boyfriend. And so many of the girls on there were like "oh no, hold on to him! he's a keeper! I wish I had an outgoing boyfriend like him! He'd help me with my SA!" Some even going as far to say that an SA guy would just bring them down even more. No interest in starting a gender war but just something I've noticed having read the forums. I understand that the desire for hypergamy is socially and perhaps psycho-evolutionary engrained in women. But hypergamy is not sustainable without polygamy. And I can't imagine that many girls are ok with "sharing" ("waaahh why am I always stuck with the douchebags who cheat on me or only use me for sex before moving on to the next girl?!" There's your answer!). Hence the moaning about how lonely they are...
> 
> Honestly though I would not let him down gently though. He needs to LEARN how to interact with women. He needs constructive feedback on what he's doing wrong. His behaviour is NOT acceptable at all. He shouldn't be professing his love to a woman he barely knows. He shouldn't be constantly texting her like that. People need their space. Women get hit on by creepers all the time. It's a scary world out there for a woman. I'm sympathetic towards the socially awkward dudes. I know what it's like to be needy (though with a lot less intensity...). But yeah these guys badly need to improve their interpersonal skills. Feedback from girls is a helpful way to improve. Or getting peer advice (a lot of it can be bad though). Or looking towards the internet for advice (a lot of that advice can be bad too though). And you have a lot of opportunity to learn from your dating failures as well.


I notice a lot of people on this forum severely lack any self awareness. They are so afraid of being judged by others, but have no problems being superficial themselves. I am willing to bet if the OP was being rejected for having a disease or being called stupid behind her back, she would make a thread about it and complain how unfair the world is to her.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

AllToAll said:


> How was she misleading him? She went on a date with the thought something might spark between them, and then, by judging his actions, concluded she didn't like him.


She was misleading, she let him believe they were a thing even after she knew she wasn't into him.



AllToAll said:


> It's hypocritical that you, the person giving the speech against judging, is actually judging the poster! You don't know her, what gives you the right? What makes your judgments correct and hers not?


I thought it was hypocritical as well. Why isn't it fair of her to judge him based on his actions and the things he says? She has every right to do this. We all judge people to some degree.


----------



## AllToAll (Jul 6, 2011)

qweewq said:


> She was misleading, she let him believe they were a thing even after she knew she wasn't into him.


There's nothing in her post that could lead you to objectively say that's what she did.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

~~~~~


Kathykook said:


> Well, I never asked to be pursued by this kid. It's in my nature to be submissive, so it's only natural that *I just went along with it.* I never meant to hurt anyone. .





Kathykook said:


> I* broke up with him *via text message a few hours ago, after he asked me to take a shower with him o.o
> He has not replied.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

qweewq said:


> ~~~~~


IF I had told him that I loved him, THAT would have been misleading. Just going along with it is exactly what it sounds like....JUSTgoing along with it.


----------



## meeps (Dec 5, 2011)

What does going along with it mean to you?


----------



## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Kathykook said:


> But I simply DON'T LIKE him and therefore DON'T WANT to have sex with him. END OF DISCUSSION.


So? You don't have to shout at me in CAPS.


----------



## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

Why are people trying to turn this guy into some kind of victim and vilify Kathy? She didn't do anything wrong. She gave him a chance and found that they didn't click. That's pretty much how dating works. No one is going to click with every person they date. She didn't know she wasn't into him until after she got to know him better. She was attracted to him physically, but found that she didn't like his personality once she got to know him. It happens. There's nothing misleading about what she did.

And anyone telling another person that they love them that soon is a definite red flag.


----------



## andrew1234 (Jan 12, 2012)

^you need to read this... http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/09/dont-date-geek-girls/ i would not be surprised if the majority in here are geeks.


----------



## offbyone (May 5, 2010)

Kathy, just text him and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. You really don't owe him any more than that. You really don't need to explain any other than that you don't want any more contact with him because you don't want to pursue a relationship. Be direct and don't mince words! 

If I understand correctly your relationship has been almost entirely text based, too? There is no reason to meet him in person or call him. Have you guys even gone on a date?


----------



## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

You can also _ban him permanently_


----------



## WalkingDisaster (Nov 27, 2010)

Kathykook said:


> But I simply DON'T LIKE him and therefore DON'T WANT to have sex with him. END OF DISCUSSION.


No-one's saying you have to, the point was just being made that if you were in a relationship for a month then he's allowed to express his desires. It doesn't mean you have to oblige him.


----------



## Kathykook (Aug 16, 2011)

offbyone said:


> Kathy, just text him and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. You really don't owe him any more than that. You really don't need to explain any other than that you don't want any more contact with him because you don't want to pursue a relationship. Be direct and don't mince words!
> 
> If I understand correctly your relationship has been almost entirely text based, too? There is no reason to meet him in person or call him. Have you guys even gone on a date?


 Yea, I have been on a date with him before.


----------



## BeaT (Sep 23, 2011)

I think you should tell him essentially what you said in the OP.


----------



## cold fission cure (Aug 31, 2010)

It's your loss. Don't turn around and make a thread complaining that you don't have anybody to shower with.


----------

