# Do you think guys and girls can be "just friends?"



## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

I know this question has been done to death already, but I'm legitimately curious about something. I read this study that basically "proved" that men and women could not be just friends, and the study blames men for it. The results indicated that men usually think about their female friends as potential love interests while women usually don't. But I think an issue with that study was the fact that it used college aged students, and usually guys at this age are horny almost all the time.

Another issue is that not every man or woman, no matter how "objectively" good looking they are, is automatically attractive to us. I've met girls that I thought were pretty, but not necessarily my type. On the flipside, I've also met girls who were not pretty to me at all. Should I automatically want to have sex with them based solely on my male drive to impregnate everything? I can't say I've ever had the desire to. 

I just think people simplify this issue too much. When I was in counselling and I talked about this girl I met, 3 different counsellors asked if I had any feelings for this girl. Of course I didn't because I just met her, and she didn't seem to have any interest in me like that anyways. I really wish certain people would just F off with that because as someone who has obsessive-compulsive thinking problems, I really don't need those kinds of thoughts implanted in my head. 

Anyways, share your thoughts on this issue.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Of course we can. I think it's silly to believe that it's impossible for men and women to be friends.


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## tbyrfan (Feb 24, 2011)

Absolutely.


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

Definitely, especially if there's no sexual attraction between them.

But I even have guy friends who find me attractive, yet they're not interested in dating me. I'm also friends with a guy I find attractive, but I like just being friends with him.


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## rdrr (Dec 31, 2008)

Yes, and No.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

I was informed I was not allowed cuddles or hugs.

But lord knows I'm still trying...


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## Freiheit (Dec 8, 2008)

Probably. Idk. I guess people's brains work differently.


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## Mousey9 (Dec 27, 2012)

lol at the girls ITT saying yes


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## bsd3355 (Nov 30, 2005)

Yes we can whether you are attracted or not. I think it comes down to what interests both people have for forming the friendship. Attraction may die as time goes on as well.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

infamous93 said:


> lol at the girls ITT saying yes


Haha. I'm sure that video was just meant for laughs, but it represents the exact same problem I brought up in that study, which is it asks college students this question. It can't be generalized to an entire population. And you never know how much editing they did to prove that.


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## Jarebear (Mar 12, 2013)

no way jose


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

I would like to have closer friendships with girls, and I think it is definitely possible. I just wish I could get over my anxiety issues.


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## 9mm (Feb 12, 2013)

Absolutely.

Straight women and gay men can be fantastic friends.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

9mm said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> Straight women and gay men can be fantastic friends.


Provide a reason.


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## Soilwork (May 14, 2012)

Yes but most heterosexual men won't admit it because they fear beling labelled as gay. I have met a number of girls who I liked becaue of their character but I didn't find them sexually attractive.


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## probably offline (Oct 8, 2012)

Of course.


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## Limmy (Feb 15, 2013)

yes


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## changeme77 (Feb 22, 2013)

CrimsonTrigger said:


> I would like to have closer friendships with girls, and I think it is definitely possible. I just wish I could get over my anxiety issues.


Same.


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## Eyesontheskies (Jan 31, 2013)

No I really don't think guys and girls can be JUST friends unless you count friendly aquaintences as friends. Maybe they don't ever actually become anything more than friends but I know that in pretty much every guy girl close friendship one of them has a crush on the other. This explains friendzoning. And I believe that anyone who says that they have close guy friends that hang out with and they are "just friends" should probably ask their friend of the opposite sex if they have ever had feelings for them and I guarantee the answer is yes. I am a girl and I have a close friend who is a guy and I have always had a little bit of a crush on him. So it's not always the guys fault.


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## rymo (Sep 6, 2009)

I have girl friends, so yes.


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## Tumbling Destiny (May 13, 2012)

My instinctive reaction is "absolutely". But if I think about my own life, I just do not have close guy friends that I get along with platonically like I do my girl friends. And my closest guy friend is gay. This is probably just me and my inability to connect well with guys, but I thought this was interesting cause it does align with the study.


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## Josh2323 (Aug 26, 2012)

It's possible...but honestly all the girls that I know that are my "friends" I've had past relationships with


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

nah ,I don't. most good friends I hang out with a lot, if I did that with a girl then i'd begin to see her in a different light, i've tried before and I either end up liking her and she doesn't like me or it happened the opposite way around.


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## Xtraneous (Oct 18, 2011)

Nope.


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## Wohwoh (Mar 7, 2012)

Yep. I have a lady friend.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*and how do you deel with attraction with your friends?*

DO you say hey i noticed were attracted to each other, how do you think we ought proceed? or just ignore it and hope the other never acts on it?


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

Let's rephrase this question a bit. 

Does anybody think that attraction between men and women is inevitable, even if some men or women are unappealing to you in every single way? Can a man or woman maintain a friendship with someone if they are attracted to them? Is a friendship with someone of the opposite sex based mostly on attraction?

1. No, I don't think attraction between two people is inevitable. I've met many women that I would never do anything with. 

2. I think it's possible. I guess it depends on how attracted you actually are. If your attraction is based purely on sex, then maybe, just as long as you never let the person know. That would be an awkward confession, haha. Even then, it depends on how strongly sexually attracted you are. On the other hand, if you're just sticking around waiting for something deeper to happen, then no, I don't think so.

3. This might actually be true. Personally, I actually do tend to be more interested in girls that I find attractive, even if I don't want a relationship or anything. Then again, I don't have any friends, so what do I know.

Why am I even asking this? I have so much work to get done for tomorrow that I'm just wasting my time here :b


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## lightningstorm (Oct 10, 2012)

Why not? Friendship isnt gender specific.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

no they can't


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## James_Russell (Aug 26, 2011)

SilentLuke said:


> no they can't


The expert has spoken


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## Mousey9 (Dec 27, 2012)

TBH like most generalizations there will always be exceptions, sometimes it's super rare or just uncommon. Can guys and girls just be friends? sure but there are usually so many different factors involved that its just easier to say no.


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## H8PPLNDGS (Mar 15, 2013)

As much as other people can be or not just be. What about everyone else in the sexual spectrum in terms of orientation? Also the expectation that everyone you meet would be a potential lay is just annoying at times regardless of who they are.


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## Rainbat (Jan 5, 2012)

One-sided attraction can make things difficult, but it's possible.

You can't let entitlement get in the way. A lot of people think that if they get along well with someone, it _entitles_ them to a relationship. That's just not how it works unfortunately. Sometimes people are already involved with someone, sometimes there's no physical attraction, sometimes there's too much distance, etc.

I think if you're completely head-over-heels infatuated with someone and they're not available or not interested, it probably wouldn't be wise to be friends with them, just because you'd constantly be exposed to something that you want but can't have.


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## CWe (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't believe they can!

Unless the girl is like really huge. But men usually want to get that BOOTY!

Just facts


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## Green Eyes (Sep 6, 2009)

I'm a girl and I'm friends with a guy. We have been friends for about three years. He's 1,5 years younger. We just do fun things sometimes. I don't talk about feelings or personal things with him. I don't really do that with anyone, except for my therapist.
But I have never had feelings for him. I'm not attracted to him. So I think girls and boys can be just friends.


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## soulless (Dec 18, 2010)

Definitely possible, women are people too


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## awkwardsilent (Jun 14, 2012)

Qoes anybody think that attraction between men and women is inevitable, even if some men or women are unappealing to you in every single way? 

My Answer: Attraction is not inevitable. Nothing is absolutely inevitable. 

Q:Can a man or woman maintain a friendship with someone if they are attracted to them? 

A: Yes definitely but as someone else mentioned you have to give up an entitled attitude, just because you happen to be attracted to someone, and get along amicably with them does not mean they have to be attracted to you. This works both ways with both men and women, you have to be honest with yourself, if you are just trying to be friends with them to impress them and get them to fall in love with you it won't work out long term as a friendship. 

Q: Is a friendship with someone of the opposite sex based mostly on attraction?

For some people yes, others no. I am an ugly girl. (Morbidly obese) and once I left school I've been able to have guy friends. Being friends with an "ugly" girl is actually comforting I think. It's like having one of the boys, but they won't judge you for venting your feelings... or kinda like having a close sister or cousin or something. I find my guy friends would vent to me... a lot. And be honest, rather than trying to put up a front the way they did with the girls they were attracted to. 

But yes for some people they only pursue friendship with people they are attracted to. I wouldn't say that its the majority of people though.


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## da kewliest (Jan 22, 2013)

I don't think so. girls saying were just friends means hes not attractive but ill keep him along for the perks lol(*** kissing/buying me things,etc). and most guys regardless of how ugly a girl is would take a crack at it(ya know im sayin?). there might be rare instances of platonic friendships, but most cases- the girl is using the guy, and the guy is being deceitful.


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## D G (Mar 15, 2013)

100% yes. Ofcourse as men we pretty much fantasize about ****ing every woman we come into contact with, but that's just pure manly lust. I have zero love interests amongst the rl female friends i have (and no, they aren't really ugly, haha)


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## Green Eyes (Sep 6, 2009)

9mm said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> Straight women and gay men can be fantastic friends.


But the woman can still fall for the guy, even if he's gay. Of course there wouldn't be any chance on a relationship.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Only if the girl is ugly and I'm dating someone. And if we don't get really drunk together.


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## StevenGlansberg (Apr 1, 2009)

If there is no attraction then sure.

If there is attraction then I think you can be "friends" but one side will always be hoping for a more intimate relationship.


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## hmnut (Aug 8, 2011)

StevenGlansberg said:


> If there is no attraction then sure.
> 
> If there is attraction then I think you can be "friends" but one side will always be hoping for a more intimate relationship.


Pretty much came to say this.

Someone will say "so you can't be friends with someone who is attractive?"

No. But it is hard to be real friends with them if I am attracted to them. I have female friends who are "objectively" attractive, and when we go out as friends guys will hit on them. But I am personally NOT attracted to them (though I can see why other guys are).

But I have had "friends" whom I was personally attracted to, and when we went out as "just friends" and other guys would hit on them it would bother me, especially if the girl would flirt back. Sometimes these friendships still worked out, but a lot of times they became a big mess.


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## mzmz (Feb 26, 2012)

*this*



D G said:


> 100% yes. Ofcourse as men we pretty much fantasize about ****ing every woman we come into contact with, but that's just pure manly lust. I have zero love interests amongst the rl female friends i have (and no, they aren't really ugly, haha)


Yeah im a horn dog ill have thoughts but hey thats the diff beween thoughts and actions right?

I love guys who have the will power to have femele friends - it means they have persoanl standerds. Yeah i have attractive and non attractive male friends and you know what? i dont treat them different, and i would never use them.


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## O Range (Feb 11, 2013)

It's possible. I have a couple girl friends that I can talk to without attraction getting in the way. It just depends on the people involved.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

It breaks my heart when men claim that guys and girls can't be just friends. It implies that they see no worth in women besides being sexual objects.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> It breaks my heart when men claim that guys and girls can't be just friends. It implies that they see no worth in women besides being sexual objects.


Same here. Luckily most guys don't have that kind of juvenile view on life.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

It's easier if the women are already in relationships. For me I have trouble with knowing what my intentions are and what I want which makes me have boundry issues with people. Even though we said we'll be friends I was just being a flirt to a woman on the internet with no realization of what sort of impact this would have and was still stating I just wanted to be friends while still being a flirt with her all the while acting like I was just passing off innocent comments.


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## EternallyRestless (Jul 19, 2011)

Yes, and I think it's a little immature to believe that they can't.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> It breaks my heart when men claim that guys and girls can't be just friends.* It implies that they see no worth in women besides being sexual objects. *


that's not what that implies. do guys who have girlfriends only see them as sexual objects?


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> It breaks my heart when men claim that guys and girls can't be just friends. It implies that they see no worth in women besides being sexual objects.


MOST single guys hardly get laid, if ever.

So why should they surround themselves with hot women they can't have sex with? Sounds like self-inflicted torture to me.


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## kiirby (Oct 8, 2010)

There is a degree of sexuality in any friendship, regardless of gender. You are just much better at repressing it with some people more than others.


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## path0gen (Jun 28, 2006)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> It breaks my heart when men claim that guys and girls can't be just friends. It implies that they see no worth in women besides being sexual objects.


A guy seeing a random girl on the street and watching her *** as she walks away=objectifying women. A guy getting along with a girl and realizing that he's attracted to her on a level that surpasses friendship does not. That's a pretty blanket and ignorant statement on your part. There are just as many shallow and superficial women about as there are men.


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## Sourgirl25 (Mar 25, 2013)

*guy and girl friends*

sure. but after they have slept with each other. lol am kidding.. yes i believe so but it seems so rare. guys always seems like there female friends secretly.


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## au Lait (Sep 8, 2010)

SilentLuke said:


> that's not what that implies. do guys who have girlfriends only see them as sexual objects?


Yeah it kinda does imply that tbh. Being in a romantic relationship with a woman is different than saying "I can't ever be friends with any woman ever b/c I'll just want to **** her!!!" Why is it only one or the other? Why ignore that there are other options? If you have female family members then you should know that it's possible to interact with women in a way that doesn't involve sex. So why is it so impossible to imagine having a close but platonic friendship with women who are not family?

If the people who said no viewed the opposite sex as relatable human beings and not just ****able objects, then they would know that they can interact with members of the opposite gender the same way that they interact with their own gender.

When you reduce an entire group of people to their ****ability potential, and then take that a step further by saying "I can't possibly relate to that group unless sex is involved" then yeah, you are dehumanizing and devaluing that entire group. Because every human being has a unique POV to share. Everyone has intrinsic value that runs far deeper than the measure of physical pleasure you think you can get from them.

Guys and girls not only can be friends, but many are. To say that it's impossible just sounds very sheltered and naive. When a person answers this question with "no" they're really only admitting that they themselves are incapable of having that kind of a friendship. Which is sad, because sooo many people here claim to be mystified by the opposite sex, and would benefit greatly from having a mix of female and male friends.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

kiirby said:


> There is a degree of sexuality in any friendship, regardless of gender. You are just much better at repressing it with some people more than others.


I was thinking the same thing.
I would say there are things which define compatibility between two individuals and sometimes we will look for those things in friendships as well as with partners. to me when meeting other people its about looking for and forming a bond with another person knowing that each will be supportive to the other in as many potential areas as possible. the difference is that when its a same sex friendship between heterosexual people neither will be interested in anything other than friendship simply as they are not that way inclined. take that factor out of the equation (the inclination) and you open up the idea that things can develop beyond. some people say your partner should be your best friend and I think that's a very valid idea.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

au Lait said:


> Yeah it kinda does imply that tbh. Being in a romantic relationship with a woman is different than saying "I can't ever be friends with any woman ever b/c I'll just want to **** her!!!" Why is it only one or the other? Why ignore that there are other options? If you have female family members then you should know that it's possible to interact with women in a way that doesn't involve sex. So why is it so impossible to imagine having a close but platonic friendship with women who are not family?
> 
> If the people who said no viewed the opposite sex as relatable human beings and not just ****able objects, then they would know that they can interact with members of the opposite gender the same way that they interact with their own gender.
> 
> ...


For all the guys that were challenging my previous statement: ^^^This. Au Lait verbalized my thoughts perfectly.



path0gen said:


> A guy seeing a random girl on the street and watching her *** as she walks away=objectifying women. A guy getting along with a girl and realizing that he's attracted to her on a level that surpasses friendship does not. That's a pretty blanket and ignorant statement on your part. There are just as many shallow and superficial women about as there are men.


I don't think think I'm being ignorant at all because you're describing a single incident. If you develop a crush on a female friend, that doesn't mean you objectify women. It happens sometimes and it doesn't make you a bad person. Concluding that you can't be friends with ANY woman ever, however, does imply objectification. What about that homely girl that's really sweet, fun to hang out with, and shares many interests with you? Would you be friends with her? Or would you refuse to associate with her because she's not aesthetcially pleasing enough for you? Is her companionship not worth anything to you because she's not a potential **** or a pretty trophy to raise your social status? I really hope that men aren't so ruled by their penises that they can't see women have intrinsic value too. I like to think most men are bigger and better than that. But then I see several individuals in the male population making certain claims and generalizations...


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## dair (Jan 23, 2013)

> Yeah it kinda does imply that tbh. Being in a romantic relationship with a woman is different than saying "I can't ever be friends with any woman ever b/c I'll just want to **** her!!!" Why is it only one or the other? Why ignore that there are other options? If you have female family members then you should know that it's possible to interact with women in a way that doesn't involve sex. So why is it so impossible to imagine having a close but platonic friendship with women who are not family?
> 
> If the people who said no viewed the opposite sex as relatable human beings and not just ****able objects, then they would know that they can interact with members of the opposite gender the same way that they interact with their own gender.
> 
> ...


You're right when you say "*When a person answers this question with "no" they're really only admitting that they themselves are incapable of having that kind of a friendship. *" But this does not mean this person only sees women as a sexual object. Personally, as far as I know I can't have a female friend that I'm not attracted to. Pretty much very girl in my grade is attractive to me. And I am only friends with people that I get along with and whose personality I like. So if I make friends with a girl, I see her as a possible partner. This doesn't stop *me * from being friends with them, but some people just aren't comfortable being friends with people they're constantly attracted to. They're reminded all the time that the person they like doesn't feel the same way, and they would just rather be away from that. Its a little offensive to these people to just claim they only care about sex.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

dair said:


> Its a little offensive to these people to just claim they only care about sex.


agreed.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

au Lait said:


> Yeah it kinda does imply that tbh. Being in a romantic relationship with a woman is different than saying "I can't ever be friends with any woman ever b/c I'll just want to **** her!!!" Why is it only one or the other? Why ignore that there are other options? If you have female family members then you should know that it's possible to interact with women in a way that doesn't involve sex. So why is it so impossible to imagine having a close but platonic friendship with women who are not family?
> 
> If the people who said no viewed the opposite sex as relatable human beings and not just ****able objects, then they would know that they can interact with members of the opposite gender the same way that they interact with their own gender.
> 
> ...


lol to all this... I really think there's a chance that someone will develop feelings. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk getting hurt. And sexual objects? Why are you making sex such a dirty thing? I don't think wanting to have sex with someone is dehumanizing them. I still get sexual urges to women I don't know, like it or not. I don't have to sit down and have a conversation with a girl to justify that I want to **** her. What's your problem? Relax.


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## jimity (Jan 12, 2011)

SilentLuke said:


> lol to all this... I really think there's a chance that someone will develop feelings. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk getting hurt. And sexual objects? Why are you making sex such a dirty thing? I don't think wanting to have sex with someone is dehumanizing them. I still get sexual urges to women I don't know, like it or not. I don't have to sit down and have a conversation with a girl to justify that I want to **** her. What's your problem? Relax.


I know right. My god, a guy feels like having sex with a woman and suddenly he is bad because he should use his higher cognitive functions to rise above his base urges.


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## fingertips (Jan 11, 2009)

i don't know how you guys got that from her post at all!


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## TobeyJuarez (May 16, 2012)

yeah, aslong as neither party has any sexual attraction to the other party then girl-boy friendships can be fine... but when sexual attraction gets involved someone is going to get hurt... thats why i try and stay away from being friends with girls that i know in person and am attracted to... if i have only met her on the internet or throught text i can be freinds... and if i know her in person but i am not attracted to her i can be friends... its just that if i know her in person and i am attracted to her i know its likely that she wont like me back in that way.... so i feel by subjugating myself to that friendship i will be hurting myself in the long run.... and even with girls who i know have liked me but i didnt like them i tried my best to cut all ties... if i didnt cut ties i would feel as if i was leading them on, and i know from personal experience how much that hurts and i wouldnt want to do that to anyone


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

SilentLuke said:


> lol to all this... I really think there's a chance that someone will develop feelings. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk getting hurt. And sexual objects? Why are you making sex such a dirty thing? I don't think wanting to have sex with someone is dehumanizing them. I still get sexual urges to women I don't know, like it or not. I don't have to sit down and have a conversation with a girl to justify that I want to **** her. What's your problem? Relax.


God forbid you have to have an actual conversation with a woman who has no sexual/romantic intent. My deepest condolences. :roll

Anyway, Au Lait wasn't demonizing sex. And sex shouldn't be demonized. It's perfectly natural to have sexual urges. Everybody has them. Women included. But when you take an entire gender and refuse to associate with them unless they offer you sexual and/or romantic gratification, it implies that they have no worth other than their sexuality. As a woman, I still haves values, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't they matter? Or is it my duty to quietly tuck that away while I pleasure you? Saying that female companionship is worthless without sex/romance is the equivalent of saying male companionship is worthless unless he finacially puts out. It really hurts.


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## enfield (Sep 4, 2010)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> God forbid you have to have an actual conversation with a woman who has no sexual/romantic intent. My deepest condolences. :roll
> 
> Anyway, Au Lait wasn't demonizing sex. And sex shouldn't be demonized. It's perfectly natural to have sexual urges. Everybody has them. Women included. But when you take an entire gender and refuse to associate with them unless they offer you sexual and/or romantic gratification, it implies that they have no worth other than their sexuality. As a woman, I still haves values, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't they matter? Or is it my duty to quietly tuck that away while I pleasure you? Saying that female companionship is worthless without sex/romance is the equivalent of saying male companionship is worthless unless he finacially puts out. It really hurts.


i don't think it really follows from answering "no" to the question of "could you imagine just being friends with a girl?" that the guy is someone who would, therefore, refuse to associate with a girl unless he felt prospects of sexual or romantic fulfillment were there. what it more suggests, to me anyway, is that the guy has a hard time imagining being friends with a girl, good friends, but everything staying platonic. this seems natural and expected to me. when you tell a guy to imagine a girl she is probably an attractive one (what else). then when you tell him to imagine a friendship with this girl remaining a friendship, he nods his head no, indicating that if he has anything to say about it, that is not going to happen. this says little about how he picks his friends though. all it really says is that a friendship with a girl, a preexisting one, probably won't stay a friendship, not that there will be no friendship, or that a if there is one, that it will only be as a means to further relations. there is a difference here.


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## life01 (Feb 20, 2013)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> sex shouldn't be demonized. It's perfectly natural to have sexual urges. Everybody has them. Women included. But when you take an entire gender and refuse to associate with them unless they offer you sexual and/or romantic gratification, it implies that they have no worth other than their sexuality. As a woman, I still haves values, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't they matter? Or is it my duty to quietly tuck that away while I pleasure you? Saying that female companionship is worthless without sex/romance is the equivalent of saying male companionship is worthless unless he finacially puts out. It really hurts.


 agreed 100%


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## Mousey9 (Dec 27, 2012)

Girls are taking this sex thing too far. It's not only that, most of our interest are different as well. How good are you at callof duty? how knowledgeable are you at sports? how badly do you wanna smash Adriana Lima? I hate to say it but most girls are into boring **** that a lot of guys don't care for. Why is it that you always hear a girl say "I only have guy friends"(which BTW is a red flag in dating) but never hear a guy say that he only has girls as friends?, unless he's gay.


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## D G (Mar 15, 2013)

I find it funny and sad people that answered no on this question are trying to convince those that said yes that they're wrong.
The question is, do you think "guys and girls can be just friends", in my case it's an absolute yes, so then the answer is, yes it can. (and i'm ofcourse occluding family and homoseksuals) There's no discussion needed really.
If the question would be "do you think all guys,....", then the answer would be obviously no, as shown in this thread.


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## talcina (Nov 25, 2009)

infamous93 said:


> Girls are taking this sex thing too far. It's not only that, most of our interest are different as well. How good are you at callof duty? how knowledgeable are you at sports? how badly do you wanna smash Adriana Lima? I hate to say it but most girls are into boring **** that a lot of guys don't care for. Why is it that you always hear a girl say "I only have guy friends"(which BTW is a red flag in dating) but never hear a guy say that he only has girls as friends?, unless he's gay.


Because she thinks it makes her sound low maintenance and really chill. Like, obviously guys like to hang out with me - kind of thing.
What she doesn't realize is it makes her sound like a ***** that women can't stand to be around. 
I wish people would just be who they are. Everything would be so much easier.


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## SilentLyric (Aug 20, 2012)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> God forbid you have to have an actual conversation with a woman who has no sexual/romantic intent. My deepest condolences. :roll
> 
> Anyway, Au Lait wasn't demonizing sex. And sex shouldn't be demonized. It's perfectly natural to have sexual urges. Everybody has them. Women included. But when you take an entire gender and refuse to associate with them unless they offer you sexual and/or romantic gratification, it implies that they have no worth other than their sexuality. As a woman, I still haves values, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't they matter? Or is it my duty to quietly tuck that away while I pleasure you? Saying that female companionship is worthless without sex/romance is the equivalent of saying male companionship is worthless unless he finacially puts out. It really hurts.


She said that if we don't think we can be friends with a girl, that makes them sexual objects. I said that I have sexual urges to women I do not know, that I have not spoken to. And I don't think of these particular women less for wanting to have sex with them.That was my evidence against that belief. I know she did not demonize sex, but I'm not going to befriend a woman just because I want to have sex with her. And as for your first snarky comment, I am ok with talking to women, but would not want to be friends. One will develop feelings. I understand women are not here to please me.


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## Sacrieur (Jan 14, 2013)

I am "just" friends with a girl (well, several) on here.

The question isn't loaded, but people are responding with, "No because they feel sexual attraction." But even if you feel lustful for one of your friends, you can still be friends. Why do I prefer being friends with girls rather than guys? Tbh it's probably all sexual, fundamentally, but who cares, it doesn't mean I can't deal with myself and keep it in my pants.

Nor does it mean I can't genuinely appreciate them as people.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> But when you take an entire gender and refuse to associate with them unless they offer you sexual and/or romantic gratification, it implies that they have no worth other than their sexuality. As a woman, I still haves values, feelings, thoughts, and opinions.


can you speak for every woman when you say this though? would every woman perceive it the same way? surely this is an assumption on your part. the guy could value and respect all those other parts of your personality, just because he doesn't demonstrate this by hanging out doesn't mean your personality has less value to him or he views you in any different light or less respectfully. what if he were to tell you he liked you for your values, feelings, thoughts and opinions but explained that he has a problem with being close?


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Let's look at it this way:

You're a homeless person. Someday, you make a friend. That friend has quite a bit of money and you two end up going out together. He takes you to good restaurants and eats delicious meals in front of you but never ever offers you to buy you one. You can't do it yourself because you're poor and living in the streets.

So, you two hanging out creates temptation in you, and eventually frustration because the temptation created by your friend is never satisfied. He exposed you to something you'd love to have but will never have access to.

In that situation, why the hell would you stay friends with your rich buddy?


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## always starting over (Mar 15, 2013)

mezzoforte said:


> But I even have guy friends who find me attractive, yet they're not interested in dating me. I'm also friends with a guy I find attractive, but I like just being friends with him.


Could you explain how this is possible?


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

YES. I have had plenty of guys I wasn't attracted to and I have had other guys that weren't attracted to me as well and the only thing we were was just friends. It is possible.


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## TPower (Feb 3, 2011)

Tanya1 said:


> lol that's not true, maybe your speaking purely from your own first hand experience but I've known a lot of single guy's who still got some friends with benefits, or one night stands. If that's what you're looking for.


Most women refer to platonic friendship when they say "let's just be friends".


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## mezzoforte (May 16, 2010)

always starting over said:


> Could you explain how this is possible?


Um...I guess it's like, even though we're attracted to eachother, I think our personalities would clash if we dated. I have fun talking to him, but I have much more in common with my current boyfriend. And even if a friend thinks I'm hot, maybe one of my personality traits is a huge turn-off for them. Just because you think someone is good-looking doesn't mean you want to date them.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

enfield said:


> i don't think it really follows from answering "no" to the question of "could you imagine just being friends with a girl?" that the guy is someone who would, therefore, refuse to associate with a girl unless he felt prospects of sexual or romantic fulfillment were there. what it more suggests, to me anyway, is that the guy has a hard time imagining being friends with a girl, good friends, but everything staying platonic. this seems natural and expected to me. when you tell a guy to imagine a girl she is probably an attractive one (what else). then when you tell him to imagine a friendship with this girl remaining a friendship, he nods his head no, indicating that if he has anything to say about it, that is not going to happen. this says little about how he picks his friends though. all it really says is that a friendship with a girl, a preexisting one, probably won't stay a friendship, not that there will be no friendship, or that a if there is one, that it will only be as a means to further relations. there is a difference here.


Why does the girl in question have to be an attractive one though? Why can't she be an average-looking, or even ugly, girl? If someone has two X chromosomes, female genitalia, and identifies as female, isn't she considered a woman, even if she's unattractive?

Let's say there's this one girl that you really enjoy being around. She's excellent at comforting you when you need support, and when things are good, she can make you laugh like no one else can. She shares a lot of the same interests as you do so you can have many interesting conversations. However, you don't find her attractive and you have no sexual interest at all. Would you befriend this girl? If not, why not?

Here's a second scenerio. You're already in a relationship with a woman that's perfect for you. Drop dead gorgeous, fun personality, and leaves you exhausted in the sack. You meet another girl that you find attractive and enjoy conversing with, but you would never leave your girlfriend for her. If this girl wanted to be friends and your girlfriend wasn't the jealous type, would you befriend her?



SilentLuke said:


> She said that if we don't think we can be friends with a girl, that makes them sexual objects. I said that I have sexual urges to women I do not know, that I have not spoken to. And I don't think of these particular women less for wanting to have sex with them.That was my evidence against that belief. I know she did not demonize sex, but I'm not going to befriend a woman just because I want to have sex with her. And as for your first snarky comment, I am ok with talking to women, but would not want to be friends. One will develop feelings. I understand women are not here to please me.


Good. I don't think you should initiate a friendship with the hopes of it developing into something more. It's a horrible way to go about it. You end up feeling bitter and she ends up feeling deceived.

I feel really hurt and frustrated by this thread. But I'm going to put that away for a second because I think we're on the wrong page. When saying that men can't be friends friends with women, are you saying that men can't be friends with women they have a crush on, or that men can't be friends with any woman ever?



galaxy1 said:


> can you speak for every woman when you say this though? would every woman perceive it the same way? surely this is an assumption on your part. the guy could value and respect all those other parts of your personality, just because he doesn't demonstrate this by hanging out doesn't mean your personality has less value to him or he views you in any different light or less respectfully. what if he were to tell you he liked you for your values, feelings, thoughts and opinions but explained that he has a problem with being close?


I think we need to better define "friends" before we continue with this arguement. I participate in a very male dominated sport and have met a lot of really cool guys. I consider a lot of them friends. We're really friendly while training, we text/facebook message each other on occassion, and although we don't really hang-out together one-on-one, we'll still go out as a small group. Does that count as "friends?" (It seems pretty bizarre to me that every single one of them has a crush on me, including the ones that already have girlfriends.) Or is "friends" only defined as BFFs doing everything together? Although I think a purely platonic relationship is still possible in the second scenerio, it's significantly rarer than when one person has a crush on the other.



TPower said:


> Let's look at it this way:
> 
> You're a homeless person. Someday, you make a friend. That friend has quite a bit of money and you two end up going out together. He takes you to good restaurants and eats delicious meals in front of you but never ever offers you to buy you one. You can't do it yourself because you're poor and living in the streets.
> 
> ...


Fine. Bitter, frustrated virgins who think all females are evil succubi-demons cannot be friends with women. :roll I never thought that ALL men could be friends with women. If it appeared that I implied that, I appologize for being unclear. But saying that ALL men can't be friends with women makes me want to strangle someone. Most men have a healthy perspective of women, but there's always exceptions. For example, there's plenty of SAS guys who have a healthy perspective of women, but they appear to be in the minority. Most SAS guys either place women up on a pedestal or think they're money-grubbing, status-seeking Jezabels hell-bent on destroying men with their vaginas. Those last two categories of men can't be just friends with women because they refuse to see women as relatable people.


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## Charmander (Sep 5, 2012)

I find it pretty bizarre that people can say no to this question.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

Sacrieur said:


> I am "just" friends with a girl (well, several) on here.
> 
> The question isn't loaded, but people are responding with, "No because they feel sexual attraction." But even if you feel lustful for one of your friends, you can still be friends. Why do I prefer being friends with girls rather than guys? Tbh it's probably all sexual, fundamentally, but who cares, it doesn't mean I can't deal with myself and keep it in my pants.
> 
> Nor does it mean I can't genuinely appreciate them as people.





mezzoforte said:


> Um...I guess it's like, even though we're attracted to eachother, I think our personalities would clash if we dated. I have fun talking to him, but I have much more in common with my current boyfriend. And even if a friend thinks I'm hot, maybe one of my personality traits is a huge turn-off for them. Just because you think someone is good-looking doesn't mean you want to date them.


I can totally relate with these two posts, which is probably why I'm blown away that so many guys think the attraction element is so fundamental to the arguement. I've been friends/aquaintances with several men in the past. Some were in relationships already. Some were single. Some I found very attractive. Others not so much. However, I wasn't interested in developing a sexual/romantic relationship even with my single attractive male friends. Maybe it's because I'm phobic of sexual/romantic relationships because of my SAD. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of things getting weird since we have mutual friends. But never have a felt like I was torturing myself by hanging out platonically.


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## enfield (Sep 4, 2010)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> Why does the girl in question have to be an attractive one though? Why can't she be an average-looking, or even ugly, girl? If someone has two X chromosomes, female genitalia, and identifies as female, isn't she considered a woman, even if she's unattractive?
> 
> Let's say there's this one girl that you really enjoy being around. She's excellent at comforting you when you need support, and when things are good, she can make you laugh like no one else can. She shares a lot of the same interests as you do so you can have many interesting conversations. However, you don't find her attractive and you have no sexual interest at all. Would you befriend this girl? If not, why not?
> 
> Here's a second scenerio. You're already in a relationship with a woman that's perfect for you. Drop dead gorgeous, fun personality, and leaves you exhausted in the sack. You meet another girl that you find attractive and enjoy conversing with, but you would never leave your girlfriend for her. If this girl wanted to be friends and your girlfriend wasn't the jealous type, would you befriend her?


i don't think physical attractiveness plays a large part in people's friend selection. sure, ugly people may be neglected as candidates for friends in the same way loners are, but beyond that, i doubt it means that much to the ordinary person. if someone is looking to be friends with attractive people of the gender they are attracted to, it may turn out, that, welp, they are not actually looking for friendships as much as people to have sex with. but for the person that wants _friends_, which is many people, no, i don't think physical attractiveness really means much. though obviously things may not always go as planned if you befriend someone you are attracted to - it _may,_ and perhaps has the tendency to, lead to more than that.


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## Marc999 (Mar 25, 2013)

This is the age old question and still to this day, I answer the same:

Yes I can be just friends - if she's unattractive.

Haha, otherwise I'll always have thoughts of her naked.

While I have had female friends in the past, I've always wanted to sleep with them. Coincidentally they've always been attractive.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> *I think we need to better define "friends" before we continue with this arguement. I participate in a very male dominated sport and have met a lot of really cool guys. I consider a lot of them friends. We're really friendly while training, we text/facebook message each other on occassion, and although we don't really hang-out together one-on-one, we'll still go out as a small group. Does that count as "friends?"* (It seems pretty bizarre to me that every single one of them has a crush on me, including the ones that already have girlfriends.) Or is "friends" only defined as BFFs doing everything together? Although I think a purely platonic relationship is still possible in the second scenerio, it's significantly rarer than when one person has a crush on the other.


it's not really an argument. at least I never considered it one! in terms of your particular situation, if I was in your shoes i'd consider that an association or a loose definition of friend. much like how work colleagues will socialize with each other. yes I suppose they would still be considered friends to other people. but to me, i'm not _really_ that social and I probably wouldn't even engage in that type of socialising,it just doesn't appeal to me, male or female. like I say I tend to be very close to friends, I have a small circle, I keep them very close and i'm very dedicated to them.

the term friends has different meaning for different places ,I consider friends to be people I hang out with or speak to on a daily basis, who I visit and share a lot with and who are important to me. of course on social sites like facebook friends can just mean for example someone you met on a night out, thought was a nice person added on the site. or someone you randomly got talking to on the web but don't end up being particularly close to, many people accumulate hundreds of "friends" on social media sites ,they might like them as a person but it's highly unlikely they all would be considered a close best friend. I think statistically its quite normal and most people only really have a handful of very good friends out of all their contacts they have made.


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## Secretly Pretentious (Dec 18, 2011)

enfield said:


> i don't think physical attractiveness plays a large part in people's friend selection. sure, ugly people may be neglected as candidates for friends in the same way loners are, but beyond that, i doubt it means that much to the ordinary person. if someone is looking to be friends with attractive people of the gender they are attracted to, it may turn out, that, welp, they are not actually looking for friendships as much as people to have sex with. but for the person that wants _friends_, which is many people, no, i don't think physical attractiveness really. though obviously things may not always go as planned if you befriend someone you are attracted to - it _may,_ and perhaps has the tendency to, lead to more than that.


I really like this post and feel like it filled in a lot of gaps that I neglected. If someone claims that he only "befriended" a girl because she was attractive, isn't it fair to say that he never had friendship on his mind in the first place? And if someone claims that attraction wasn't a factor when he befriended a girl...then congratulations! The two of you overcame the "impossible" by having a male/female friendship.




galaxy1 said:


> it's not really an argument. at least I never considered it one! in terms of your particular situation, if I was in your shoes i'd consider that an association or a loose definition of friend. much like how work colleagues will socialize with each other. yes I suppose they would still be considered friends to other people. but to me, i'm not _really_ that social and I probably wouldn't even engage in that type of socialising,it just doesn't appeal to me, male or female. like I say I tend to be very close to friends, I have a small circle, I keep them very close and i'm very dedicated to them





galaxy1 said:


> the term friends has different meaning for different places ,I consider friends to be people I hang out with or speak to on a daily basis, who I visit and share a lot with and who are important to me. of course on social sites like facebook friends can just mean for example someone you met on a night out, thought was a nice person added on the site. or someone you randomly got talking to on the web but don't end up being particularly close to, many people accumulate hundreds of "friends" on social media sites ,they might like them as a person but it's highly unlikely they all would be considered a close best friend. I think statistically its quite normal and most people only really have a handful of very good friends out of all their contacts they have made.


OK, maybe "argument" is a strong word. "Discussion" or debate may be more appropriate. Although you've got to admit it's gotten heated at times.

Anyway, I guess we have different definitions of friendship because we approach personal relationships so differently. According to your definition, I don't have any friends. Male or female. They're all associations. I'm on friendly terms with a bunch of people, but I always hold them at arms length. If they try to get closer, I feel very, very threatened and push them away.


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## CrimsonTrigger (Jun 28, 2011)

I guess it really depends on how mature someone is and how much control they have over their sexual urges. When it comes to girls, my mind goes to sex most of the time, but I think it's normal. Men, especially men my age, have that instinctual drive, so it's hard not to see random girls as potential sexual partners. But that doesn't mean I actually have the desire to have sex with them or anything and it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them either. 

What I appreciate about my friendships with women isn't their attractiveness, but the potential for a closer friendship than I can have with most guys. It's nice having someone to share thoughts and feelings with, and it's also nice to go places and have a good time. Not only that, but I tend to believe that women are more accepting of my issues than guys are, but then again, I've had really bad experiences with guys in the past. 

I don't know. I'm really tired and can't articulate all of my thoughts properly.


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## Barette (Jan 17, 2012)

I am just amazed by how little TPower ever knows what he's talking about when it comes to women, and yet how convinced he does indeed have any semblance of logic. It's... it's almost amazing.


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## renegade disaster (Jul 28, 2009)

Secretly Pretentious said:


> OK, maybe "argument" is a strong word. "Discussion" or debate may be more appropriate. Although you've got to admit it's gotten heated at times.
> 
> Anyway, I guess we have different definitions of friendship because we approach personal relationships so differently.


yes which is what I was trying to put across. its not really the same for everyone, so the blanket view of saying everyone can isn't true and if someone can't its certainly not just because a guy can't keep his dong in his pants.if you can do that and so can your male friends, that's good for you.



Secretly Pretentious said:


> According to your definition, I don't have any friends. Male or female. They're all associations. I'm on friendly terms with a bunch of people, but I always hold them at arms length.


if I was in your shoes, that's how i'd feel.its not that I dislike people specifically, I just don't wish to be that close. i'm not saying that's what you should think. or what anyone really should think.



Secretly Pretentious said:


> If they try to get closer, I feel very, very threatened and push them away.


I don't think threatened is the correct term to sum up exactly what I feel, if I do feel threatened its more by a situation than the people.i'm more worried for myself and other people getting unnecessarily hurt.


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## Christa25 (Oct 2, 2010)

All my best friends are dudes and I'm friendzoned all the friggin' time, which sucks. But, yeah, guys and girls can just be friends.


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