# Went on a date tonight



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

I've been really hung up on my ex and not really dating for the last half a year, and I was super apprehensive about meeting up with this girl tonight. Depressed and anxious and worried. I think I did some things totally wrong, and I have a headache and am very tired from the internal stress of it, but I think it was a win overall.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

Well, you at least got out there. I hope it was fun. :boogie :boogie :boogie


----------



## AnxiousIaM (Jan 14, 2010)

There's always some victory in the effort.


----------



## Madison_Rose (Feb 27, 2009)

That's good that you got out there, well done you!


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Congrats! It sounds like a big step. The next date you have will be similar, and perhaps the one after that, but soon, your anxiety will drop significantly. By my 3rd first date (with a new girl), I was about half as anxious as I was with my 1st first date.


----------



## shadowmask (Jun 22, 2009)

Awesome :yay :yay :yay

Like STK said, the more dates you go on, the less stressful and more fun it'll become.


----------



## DeadMansHand (Jan 13, 2010)

Have you talked to the girl since then?


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

I'm usually not too anxious about dating, actually. It's the one social thing I was good at.  But lately that hasn't been true, mostly from not doing it, I guess. She likes me, so it wasn't too bad, but I still felt awkward being out around people in a restaurant for the first time in months. She introduced me to dosa, which is yummy.

Yes, we've talked a little since, just a few text messages and "we should hang out again". Normally my pattern is to meet girls online and talk to them on IM for at least a few weeks before we ever meet in real life, and by then if we're still talking, we obviously like each other and I'm pretty comfortable around them. I don't have this one's IM, though, and I haven't asked for it, so I guess I have to learn how normal people get to know each other without the internet. 

I wouldn't have a clue what to do with a girl's number if I got one, for instance. When I call girls, it's only after we've already been seeing each other, and it's cutesy affectionate talk. I don't know how to just cold call someone I met in a bar and get to know them (or ask them out again or whatever it is that you do).


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

And then the other day I came upon an old email in which my good friend talked about going to a party, and seeing a girl who he and his friend agreed was the hottest girl they'd seen all night, and within an hour he'd made out with her, gotten her number, and made plans to meet up when he was in town the next weekend. How can you do something like that?? I don't even understand the mental state you'd have to be in. I'm not like that at all, and it intimidates me that a guy I think I know so well can just do things like that. 

We were both terrible dorks as teenagers, and he's come so much farther than me. After playing the field for a few years like that he's been with this one awesome girlfriend for maybe 2 years, and they seem perfectly happy and practically married, and here I am sitting alone in my apartment talking on the internet about a little date I went on, and I haven't even hung out with anyone socially since October. :/


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

So I hadn't heard from her for a few days, and assumed she had lost interest roll at self). So then she asked if I was free Thursday, I said yes and asked if she wanted to do something, she said yes. So then I was apprehensive, but a little excited. So Thursday I texted her and asked where we should meet up, and she said "Oh darlin I'm so sorry.. Since I didn't hear from you sooner I made plans for tonight".

 Clearly I lack the social skills to understand when I have made plans with someone. She asked if I am busy Sunday instead. Of course I am busy Sunday. I have no life.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

We went out again last night. 

I am emotionally confused, but it was nice.


----------



## haikupoet (Feb 9, 2010)

QuackQuack said:


> ...going to a party, and seeing a girl who he and his friend agreed was the hottest girl they'd seen all night, and within an hour he'd made out with her, gotten her number, and made plans to meet up when he was in town the next weekend. How can you do something like that??


Let me know when you find out. I haven't discovered it in thirty years. I know there are pickup artist sites, and there is a lot of truth in what they say (I've discussed them with girls), if you're only interested in getting laid. If you want a longer term relationship, things are different.

I think when you have social anxiety, you're kind of on the edge, and you have to find someone else on the edge who understands you. That takes a lot of looking until you find that someone. My problem is that I gave into the propaganda that you have to be perfect to find a match and gave up looking.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

haikupoet said:


> Let me know when you find out. I haven't discovered it in thirty years. I know there are pickup artist sites, and there is a lot of truth in what they say (I've discussed them with girls), if you're only interested in getting laid. If you want a longer term relationship, things are different.


He's no pickup artist. Girls just like him.

I meant more along the lines of "How can someone be so flippant about dating?" I worry too much.



> I think when you have social anxiety, you're kind of on the edge, and you have to find someone else on the edge who understands you. That takes a lot of looking until you find that someone.


Yeah. Then they get better at being sociable and leave you behind.


----------



## letitrock (Jan 10, 2009)

QuackQuack said:


> So I hadn't heard from her for a few days, and assumed she had lost interest roll at self). So then she asked if I was free Thursday, I said yes and asked if she wanted to do something, she said yes. So then I was apprehensive, but a little excited. *So Thursday I texted her and asked where we should meet up, and she said "Oh darlin I'm so sorry.. Since I didn't hear from you sooner I made plans for tonight".*
> 
> Clearly I lack the social skills to understand when I have made plans with someone. She asked if I am busy Sunday instead. Of course I am busy Sunday. I have no life.


You do not lack the social skills to understand when you've made plans with someone. She asked you out, you agreed, she agreed, that's a date, those are plans. Period. So she's in the wrong. not you in this situation.

I mean, come on, if it was a *guy* who'd made plans with a different girl for the night, then he'd be considered a total *******/playa. Just because it's a _girl _who made plans with a different guy doesn't make it okay. Like I said, she was in the wrong, not you.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

letitrock said:


> You do not lack the social skills to understand when you've made plans with someone. She asked you out, you agreed, she agreed, that's a date, those are plans. Period. So she's in the wrong. not you in this situation.


They weren't concrete plans. We just said we'd like to do "something" that night, and then didn't talk about it for a week.



> I mean, come on, if it was a *guy* who'd made plans with a different girl for the night, then he'd be considered a total *******/playa.


I don't know if it was with another guy or just friends.


----------



## letitrock (Jan 10, 2009)

QuackQuack said:


> They weren't concrete plans. We just said we'd like to do "something" that night, and then didn't talk about it for a week.


oh ok, that's different then.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

I went to a movie with someone else tonight. I'm not really feeling like this one was a "win", though.  I was super awkward and blanked whenever she asked me anything. She asked what I do with my life and I couldn't think of what to say, because _I have no life_. All I do is sit in my apartment alone and feel sorry for myself.

We went out once two years ago and I was the same way. After a while she said "I have to cut this short", said that she was feeling sick, and kicked me out of her car. But she's contacted me several times over the years since and asked to hang out, so she must have some interest.

But god, I am so disappointed in myself for being so anxious and awkward and shy and awkward and awkward.


----------



## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

You can work on that, though.

Great job on the attempt, though :boogie :boogie :boogie


----------



## wtf? (Mar 13, 2009)

QuackQuack said:


> And then the other day I came upon an old email in which my good friend talked about going to a party, and seeing a girl who he and his friend agreed was the hottest girl they'd seen all night, and within an hour he'd made out with her, gotten her number, and made plans to meet up when he was in town the next weekend. How can you do something like that?? I don't even understand the mental state you'd have to be in. I'm not like that at all, and it intimidates me that a guy I think I know so well can just do things like that.


Man, I can so totally relate to this.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

I feel as though it went badly, but I guess I'm just being stupid. She thanked me for inviting her, afterward she said she liked it, and as we were saying goodbye she said she wanted to see me again. Then in the one email we've exchanged since, she said "don't apologize for being shy. i enjoy your company "

If I look at that objectively, I guess it doesn't really look like a failure, does it? I don't feel as comfortable around her as I do around other girls, but maybe that just means I'm setting my sights a little higher.


----------



## Post_Punk_Proclivity (Oct 12, 2008)

At least you've done more than I.


----------



## stars (Nov 20, 2009)

well done..and it doesnt sound like it went bad at all


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

And now I'm invited to her birthday party. There will be dozens of other people there, I think including her ex, drinking, etc. I am really apprehensive. I don't know any of these people and I don't know how to act at parties like this. I suck at small talk and acting casual, and I don't know how to mix my own drinks or whatever.

I went to a birthday party last weekend and actually had a pretty good time. My 4th socialization of 2010.  Went to a bar and ordered my own drinks, went to another place and kind of awkwardly danced a little (3rd time I've ever danced in public). 

But somehow that was easier because I'd hung out with some of the people once before, didn't have a crush on any of them, and they are just nice and not intimidating. This will be meeting a whole bunch of new people, with only one that I know (but only somewhat, and she will be occupied with everyone else) and trying to act like my uninhibited self in front of her, while probably watching all of her guy friends flirt with her, or so I am imagining. I am really apprehensive.


----------



## STKinTHEmud (Jun 21, 2009)

Parties can be pretty easy, if you can manage to avoid socializing in big crowds. Your girlfriend will most likely introduce you to a few people, who you can talk to one on one, but she'll probably go off and talk to someone else every now and then. When she does, pick out someone nearby who isn't talking to anyone or a small group that you can introduce yourself into. Say "how's it going, my name is..." If there's a pause, ask how they know the birthday girl. If you get bored or can't think of anything to say, say you're going to get another drink and leave, or just say excuse me, go to your girlfriend, and use her as a sort of home base.

You don't need to know how to mix drinks. You can just drink beer or simply ask what someone else is drinking and ask how to mix it and mix one for yourself (more often than not, that person, if he's a guy, will be happy to mix one for you).


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

She's not my girlfriend.  I don't know if she's even really interested in me as more than a friend. We've hung out twice, and there was nothing more than a friendly hug. For all I know she's dating one of the other guys who will be there.

I hate beer. 



> You don't need to know how to mix drinks. You can just drink beer or simply ask what someone else is drinking and ask how to mix it and mix one for yourself (more often than not, that person, if he's a guy, will be happy to mix one for you).


That's a good idea! I guess people were doing that last weekend. "What is that you got? Oh I want to try that."

This is a bring your own drink kind of thing, though.

I really want to stay home, but I've kind of already insinuated that I would go, so there are competing pressures between being judged badly when I'm there and being judged badly for not showing up.


----------



## Noir6 (Jan 19, 2010)

You've had a nice string of successes. Planning, attempting, and showing up are some of the best steps to take in controling anxiety. Keep being an inspiration!
Parties are a big fear of mine. Hanging out with somebody that looks bored or isn't in a big conversation sometimes helps. I've ended up talking with other "outcasts".


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

Yeah this was pretty bad.  I drank some, but I didn't know what I was doing, and I think I drank too much too quickly. It didn't relax me, it just made me loopy and withdrawn. I mostly stood there watching people and looking awkward, but I talked to a few. Then we went to a big party and I was terrified, but I stuck around for a while. After deciding to leave, it took me probably 15 minutes to actually get up the nerve to say I was leaving. It is sooo relieving to be home.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

Today I feel even more depressed and lonely than yesterday, from not feeling like I fit in at all with those people. I guess going out was a net negative. :/


----------



## P312 (Apr 17, 2010)

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. There's a lot of things you face over recently so is OK if you couldn't done as you wanted. You're human and is only human to make mistakes.

Is a good thing that you went to your friends birthday, cause of what ive been reading she cares about you and i think she was happy to see you there. People aren't that bad, most of them should have felt nervous sometime in their life and they understand you.


----------



## OregonMommy (Mar 3, 2010)

Hey...some girls _like_ shy guys.


----------



## P312 (Apr 17, 2010)

OregonMommy said:


> Hey...some girls _like_ shy guys.


Yeah i know.. Maybe thats the case with this girl in particular.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

OregonMommy said:


> Hey...some girls _like_ shy guys.


True. I'm not sure if this one does, though. She seems like the social butterfly type.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

Hmm... maybe she does.  She asked for help with her homework, and I met up with her and helped, then we got food. I was fidgeting with my hands under the table and tapping my foot the entire time. Afterward I got a bad headache, maybe a migraine? from the stress. She said she wants to see me again soon, though. She "admitted" to looking through my Facebook pictures enough to know how many family members I have, and asked why I hadn't hung out with her after the movie the first time, as if she had been looking forward to it and was disappointed that I bailed and went home immediately. So it's pretty obvious that she's at least somewhat interested.

So now it's a matter of 

1. asking to see her again - I can flirt and ask people out on instant messenger, and that's basically how I've always dated, but she's not an internet addict like I am. I think it's my turn to ask her to something.

2. getting over my fear of dating that I've had for the last year. Specifically: feeling like it's not worth it to be in a relationship since it's just going to end and the ending will ruin me emotionally. Fear of social drama from relationships, meeting exes, etc. General depression. Knowing that, because I have no real social life, I'm just going to get sucked into the same patterns of jealousy and worry and possessiveness that I've had in the last few relationships. (Already I am suppressing feelings of jealousy of her male friends, and I still can't look at my ex's facebook, etc. without getting sick to my stomach.) It gets worse with every one, and I feel like I shouldn't be dating at all until I get a social life or see a therapist. 

And that's how I was behaving for the last year: flirting with people a little but then not pursuing them. But this one's too alluring to miss the chance, after missing my first chance two years ago.


----------



## ClearSky (Apr 22, 2010)

Don't feel sorry for yourself, that will only keep you in the same place or even pull you back. As long as you are going up, you'll be fine. Think in your head "i don't care what you think, I don't care what you think" don't say it out lout though.lol. then do want you feel like doing at that moment.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

I've tried to contact her since then, and got only minimal responses, so I felt like she wasn't interested, but today she asked to see me again.  

If a few days have gone by, I feel like they've lost interest. I guess that's kind of ridiculous. But if I feel that way, I can't ask to hang out again because I feel like I would be imposing, or that they've moved on to someone else and I will be depressed after finding out. Meh.

She asked what my schedule is like for this week. Should I just be honest and say I have no life, or what? If I'm going to date someone, I should probably just be myself.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

So she basically stopped talking to me, and, of course, Facebook says she now has a boyfriend. Could I have been her boyfriend if I had been more assertive or forward? Who knows.

So I asked the other one (from the first post) to a show. It was good, and I was looking forward to seeing her, but as soon as I saw her again, I lost interest again. I was checking out every other girl at the show but her. :'( I feel guilty, because she's kind of awesome, but she's not entirely awesome, so I guess it's ok. 

If I were a social animal, I would go to shows like that alone and talk to the beautiful creatures that inhabit them, but even going to a show alone is too much for me.

In all of 2010, I've gone out with two girls, a few times each. I don't understand what's happening to me. I've never been great at dating, but I used to have much better luck/confidence/hope than this. I haven't kissed anyone in more than a year now. :'(


----------



## percyblueraincoat (Jun 2, 2009)

*hmm*

Couple of things that will serve you well in dating:

1. Confidence. Go on, confidently assert that you lack or don't have confidence. It's always there. It's about reconnecting with it. Sometimes stuff stops you. But it's not impossible.

2. The abundance mindset. Yes, she's hot and you like her. And you'd love to date her. And she's one girl amongst billions. Even if you really like her, there are other women out there you can attract. Keeping that mindset gives you a lot of power.

3. Being present. Get yourself in the moment. It helps you relax, it really does quieten that internal dialogue, the insecurities can't shout as loud as they usually can and it throws your focus out into the moment so that you can't see yourself enough to commentate on and beat yourself up about how you're apparently doing.

4. The validation thing. Validate yourself. Don't look for women to do it for you. When you truly love and validate yourself, rejection changes from: "you're not good enough", to "we're not right for each other".

5. Some good stuff in the pick up community. But it is dangerous for people with anxiety issues to get too worked up about pick up stuff. They start to worry about remembering routines, lines, worrying if they'd said this or that or whatever. Far better to be natural and in the moment then to be in your head worrying about trying to be a person you might not feel comfortable with anyway.

6. Rejection is not failure. Women have been known to change their minds and it is a fluid thing but her saying no is not a failure. It happens. Imagine if you forced her to be with you and she didn't want it and being with you meant her quality of life was damaged in some way. You would not want that so if she's not interested, that's okay. It just means you two are not right for each other for whatever reason. I know it hurts. I know people get afraid of it. But if you validate yourself then boy do you get protected from the sting of rejection.

7. Take the positive learnings and experiences from the past and throw the emotional baggage in the river. If you want something that rips through attraction, it's jealousy. So what if some guy you see is apparently good with women. The darkness has visited his life as it often visits all our lives. There have been moments when he's been afraid. When he's been hurt. When he needed support. When he lost his confidence. He is a human being. Not better than you.

8. Eye Contact. There's no correct way to do it but it has its place. It's okay not to be comfortable with it. You go at your own pace. When you relax and get in the moment, it will become easier. It is the headspace analysis that can sometimes stop you from naturally experiencing eye contact with people.


----------



## notyourstar (Jun 11, 2010)

QuackQuack said:


> If a few days have gone by, I feel like they've lost interest. I guess that's kind of ridiculous. But if I feel that way, I can't ask to hang out again because I feel like I would be imposing, or that they've moved on to someone else and I will be depressed after finding out. Meh.


This is pretty much me.

Also that's pretty good advice above.


----------



## QuackQuack (Mar 18, 2008)

joinmartin said:


> 1. Confidence. Go on, confidently assert that you lack or don't have confidence. It's always there. It's about reconnecting with it. Sometimes stuff stops you. But it's not impossible.


But where does confidence come from if not the praise of others? That's the only kind of confidence I know. If you're not interacting with people or "putting yourself out there" for them to judge, then there's no way they can judge you positively and the confidence drops in a spiral.

I have been making a list of things I'm good at, both really good things people have said about me, and just thinking about myself, and I still can't seem to derive any confidence from it.

I was talking to a cute girl online yesterday, and she was being somewhat flirtatious. Then she watched a certain video of me, and her demeanor totally changed. "I'll be honest with you. I watched that video and it made me all tingly. I don't know if you know this or have been told this, but your eyes scream sex." That's some pretty good praise, no? Yet today I'm just as unconfident and insecure as ever.

(That video's had the same effect on other women, too. The last time I had sex was a direct result of posting it, when the girl I was off and on with watched it and wanted to come over immediately. I wish I could distill out the essence of whatever I did right in it and do it all the time.)



> 3. Being present. Get yourself in the moment


"Living in the present", you mean? Not "present" as in location, but as in time.



> 4. The validation thing. Validate yourself. Don't look for women to do it for you.


I don't know how to do this.



> When you truly love and validate yourself, rejection changes from: "you're not good enough", to "we're not right for each other".


That's nicer, yes, but I never think anyone is really right for me, or vice versa. I'm too objective/rational. :/



> 5. Some good stuff in the pick up community.


Any girl I'd want to date would see right through that, hopefully. My last girlfriend would give me "negs" as a joke. 



> 6. Rejection is not failure. Women have been known to change their minds and it is a fluid thing but her saying no is not a failure.


That's a good point. Maybe I mentioned that the guy I've been hanging out with was trying to flirt with another girl in our group, and at the end of the night I overhead him ask if she wanted to go home with him, and she said no. A few weeks later she's asking him for sex, apparently. So "no" isn't necessarily permanent.



> It just means you two are not right for each other for whatever reason. I know it hurts. I know people get afraid of it. But if you validate yourself then boy do you get protected from the sting of rejection.


Hmm... I don't dwell on rejections too much, but I also avoid pursuing situations that might lead to them. I think I'm more worried about:
1. Having things not work out and having to reject the other person, liking them, but not being excited enough about them, feeling terrible for it, etc.
2. Having things work out, getting attached and being happy and then the pain of breaking up
3. Social consequences of dating, like multiple people being interested in the same person, hanging out with a group of friends after having dated and broken up with one of them, seeing them with new boyfriends, cheating, etc.

One of my exes was all excited about moving in with this guy, and taking it seriously, and I was happy for her, and then after a few weeks of living together, she cheated on him with a bunch of exes and broke up with him. A few weeks after that, he invited her to his New Year's party and she went and she met his new girlfriend. I'm like "What?? How can either of them be over something like that so quickly?? Especially after being so attached that they moved in together." I don't understand the way other people operate.


----------



## james25 (Jan 1, 2010)

Um, so can we see this magic video?


----------



## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

congrats buddy.


----------



## BetaBoy90 (Jan 5, 2010)

QuackQuack said:


> OMG my dry spell is *overrrrrrr*!
> 
> :boogie:boogie:boogie:boogie:boogie
> :boogie:boogie:boogie:boogie:boogie
> ...


Woot Woot, you da man!


----------



## Choopa (Nov 23, 2010)

QuackQuack said:


> My life is sooo much better, just from being in a relationship. I go out constantly, do really cool stuff that I would never do alone, and am just happy in general.
> 
> It's kind of bad, though, that I'm so dependent on relationships for happiness. I makes me needy and fragile. If the relationship ends, I will be tremendously sad again, so I avoid things that might theoretically cause problems, and of course that avoidance eventually causes problems. But at least I am happy for now. :boogie


im like that myself :/
ALL WE NEED IS [email protected]@ haha


----------

