# How do SA males act regarding "intimate" things?



## hushhush (Oct 21, 2009)

I know the forum title says "no sex" but this is a relevant topic for us 20-somethings and if someone can't handle reading a topic about it, why don't they just skip over it.

That said, I'll try to be brief: this question is for the men. I am just curious, how do you feel about it when you do get "intimate" with a woman? Have most of you done it? (i'll admit i was older than most when i first did it) How about afterwards? I am just curious if you get very anxious and how it manifests itself. Also if you're one of us SAs who has become indifferent and emotionless, how do you act then? 

Again, I am sorry if this offends someone or breaks the rules. I am just curious. I'd ask this on Yahoo Answers but people just don't GET it. They are not shy people, or if they are they are not SA people and that is who i am curious about.

Thanks everyone


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## Witan (Jun 13, 2009)

I have no idea what I would feel or how I'd act. I've never come anywhere close to being physically intimate with anybody.


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## ecotec83 (Sep 7, 2009)

I found that it was fun and anxiety free when it was with someone i really cared about. I tried doing a one nighter before and honestly it was just to awkward and i had some issues finishing never again. I think i have to fully trust the person i'm with in order to not feel anxiety before, during or after.


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## PGVan (May 22, 2004)

Like many other dudes with SA, I've never come close to even having a chance to become physically intimate with a woman. It's one of the main roots of my depression.


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Yeah, never been in the situation.


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## mind_games (Nov 30, 2008)

ecotec83 said:


> I found that it was fun and anxiety free when it was with someone i really cared about. I tried doing a one nighter before and honestly it was just to awkward and i had some issues finishing never again. I think i have to fully trust the person i'm with in order to not feel anxiety before, during or after.


I suspect I'd be like this.


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## IcedOver (Feb 26, 2007)

I've never been on a date and so haven't had the opportunity. The prospect of it is a little bit scary because in order to be intimate you really have to let your guard down and be free and easy around someone else. This is quite difficult for me and for anyone with social problems, I'd imagine. Like ecotec83 said, trust in a partner would be a major factor. I can't imagine having sex for the first time without my partner knowing about my inexperience and hopefully being patient and willing to teach.

But all of this is useless speculation as I doubt it'll happen, ever.


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## nubly (Nov 2, 2006)

being intimate with someone actually makes me feel lex anxious around her.


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## rincewind (Sep 7, 2009)

Witan said:


> I have no idea what I would feel or how I'd act. I've never come anywhere close to being physically intimate with anybody.


Same here. Even thinking about it typically makes me extremely anxious. I seriously doubt I could cope very well with an intimate situation unless it was with someone I was *very* comfortable around already.


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## anonymid (Oct 16, 2005)

In my rare moments of physical intimacy with another person, social anxiety has never come into play. As others have suggested, when you're comfortable with the other person, anxiety is much less likely to be a factor. It's still possible that your partner may have intimacy issues, but if so, they wouldn't necessarily have anything to do with his shyness, I don't think. Extroverts can have difficulty being intimate, while shy people can be completely confident about it. I think it's very difficult, if not impossible, to predict how an individual will perform in intimate situations based simply on how he/she performs in social situations. I really don't think it's something you can generalize about or make many assumptions about until you've actually been with the person.


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## Darren07 (Sep 17, 2009)

During my rare moments of brief intimacy, I was quite anxious...with all the symptoms in full effect. The question "Why is your heart beating so fast?" followed by walking out comes to mind. Idk, I guess my anxiety just gets progressively worse with each stage of my progress with women-from meeting them to being intimately alone with them. With the 3 girls I did have sex with 2 took complete charge the whole way through and with 1 I just rendered the testicular fortitude to do it myself.


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## JayDontCareEh (Jul 16, 2007)

I just have to get to know a girl first, after that... it's all good :0)


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## hushhush (Oct 21, 2009)

Darren07 said:


> During my rare moments of brief intimacy, I was quite anxious...with all the symptoms in full effect. The question "Why is your heart beating so fast?" followed by walking out comes to mind. Idk, I guess my anxiety just gets progressively worse with each stage of my progress with women-from meeting them to being intimately alone with them. With the 3 girls I did have sex with 2 took complete charge the whole way through and with 1 I just rendered the testicular fortitude to do it myself.


elaborate on the walking out part - have you (or any other guys readng this) ever walked out on someone? or ran away right after getting intimate? if so, why?


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## Darren07 (Sep 17, 2009)

hushhush said:


> elaborate on the walking out part - have you (or any other guys readng this) ever walked out on someone? or ran away right after getting intimate? if so, why?


Nope. _She walks out on me_ because I'm so nervous.

Yep.

Story of my life.


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## Futures (Aug 27, 2005)

I've never even come close, but just thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm sure I'd be very nervous if it really happened.


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## duskyy (Oct 23, 2009)

I always thought it would be weird and nerve-wracking too, but when it happened the first time for me it was just... natural. She initiated it of course, but all those feelings just went away.


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## etka (Jul 17, 2009)

it's been too long, I forgot... :\


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## hushhush (Oct 21, 2009)

thepretender said:


> I always thought it would be weird and nerve-wracking too, but when it happened the first time for me it was just... natural. She initiated it of course, but all those feelings just went away.


well my very first time was scary, but the second time i did it and thereafter it was a lot more natural. The first time was with the wrong person but I felt very comfortable the second time...with a different partner. I think he is sort of shy too because the first time with him i felt very natural, almost as if we had done it before, but he was very nervous and couldn't get it in. I didn't hold it against him because that happens. I still liked him and felt comfortable with him and we continued to do it. I THINK he feels comfortable with me anyway.

The reason i asked the original question is because i think this guy might be SA but you know how people can't always tell. I am not positive about him but i think he might have some SA tendencies....he seems fine around me though for the most part.


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## Lovesick Loner (Oct 19, 2009)

I think this is a relavant question for adults to discuss. Only been with one (my ex-girlfriend) who also happened to be my first "real" girlfriend. I was very anxious about initiating it, but as I got to know her more I became more comfortable around her, and it just happened naturally.

I found it to be a wonderful experience, and I'm not really anxious about the physical act anymore. For me, the intimate emotions and feelings associated with the act were much more important than the physical feelings. It brought out the more affectionate side of me, which was a welcome change.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

I have a girlfriend and we don't really have sex. I do want to, but in the rare moments that it gets to that point, I'm still uncomfortable about it. I guess we both are. Before her I had only had sex two other times. Overall, I'm just not used to it and it feels weird. She is also not as into doing it as much as I am. None of this bothers me all that much, though. Sometimes I think I could never have sex again and that wouldn't matter.


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## forever_dreamer (Jul 8, 2008)

Ok I know this is for guys lol but I couldn't resist lol. The guy i was with wasn't nervous but I was and he was kinda impatient. He was the wrong guy. I don't how I'll be next time.:afr


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## Eugenie (Feb 17, 2009)

When I was younger I dealt with the anxiety by pretending I knew exactly what I was doing and like it wasn't a big deal at all. It helped me not to feel anxious, but it might have been a shame to miss out on all that sweet and endearing awkwardness!


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## odd_one_out (Aug 22, 2006)

20-somethings?


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## matty (Nov 2, 2009)

Tough one. I guess I dont really have any SA problems when I am comfortable with the person. So I have not had any issues. 

If I had a one night stand I think I would have issues. I know that I have to be attracted to the girl to get in the mood. attraction being a physical and emotional level.


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## Haydsmom2007 (Oct 16, 2009)

I know I'm a girl, but I thought I'd answer anyway. I didn't used to be nervous when i had sex. Even if they were flings. I used to be very confident and took charge and it was all very exciting. I remember some people were talking about me at work a few years ago, and they were talking about how I was shy and then someone went "but you know, the quiet ones are the freaks in bed." I was like uhhh why are you talking about how i would be in bed =\ But it kind of did hold true for me.

BUT now that I'm with someone who I actually care about, I get a little bit nervous. I'm just too shy to initiate it with him.. or take charge in any way. I'm trying to get over it. I'm very comfortable with him, he's teh number 1 person in my life that I am the most comfortable with. Just not during sex


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

Stupid question, but would cuddling be included in "intimacy"? Then I'd be able to contribute to this thread.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

JMX said:


> Stupid question, but would cuddling be included in "intimacy"? Then I'd be able to contribute to this thread.


lol, same here. That's about as far as I got in my only semi-relationship, and I somehow managed to make even that highly awkward. I don't think I gave her the impression I was disinterested, though.


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## rincewind (Sep 7, 2009)

JMX said:


> Stupid question, but would cuddling be included in "intimacy"? Then I'd be able to contribute to this thread.


I don't see why not. It's a hell of lot more intimate than some of us ever get.


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

Well, I guess I'll share the experiences I had with one girl a few years back.

It was around January - February 2007, and I was a sophomore in college. This girl was clearly interested in me (she knows me because we went to the same high school), but I was so confused as to what to do. On a few occasions, she came over to my dorm to watch a movie with me. We both sat on my bed, and she grabbed my arm with both of her hands, and rested her head on my shoulder. I was surprised the first time, but then I got used to it. I wasn't really nervous; in fact, I felt comfortable and it was a wonderful experience. I kept thinking to myself if I should kiss her not, but I was so worried that she would react negatively to it, so I never did. Bottom line was, I had no problem being physically close to her, but I was so worried/confused about making the next move.


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## anomalous (Jun 12, 2004)

JMX said:


> Well, I guess I'll share the experiences I had with one girl a few years back.
> 
> It was around January - February 2007, and I was a sophomore in college. This girl was clearly interested in me (she knows me because we went to the same high school), but I was so confused as to what to do. On a few occasions, she came over to my dorm to watch a movie with me. We both sat on my bed, and she grabbed my arm with both of her hands, and rested her head on my shoulder. I was surprised the first time, but then I got used to it. I wasn't really nervous; in fact, I felt comfortable and it was a wonderful experience. I kept thinking to myself if I should kiss her not, but I was so worried that she would react negatively to it, so I never did. Bottom line was, I had no problem being physically close to her, but I was so worried/confused about making the next move.


Dude, this is exactly what I went through.

Except in my case she actually brought up (online) the fact that she was unhappy we hadn't kissed, and I still couldn't make myself do it for the next month or two until we broke up.

Yeah, I'm probably never going to bother approaching another girl again in my life.


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## JMX (Feb 26, 2008)

anomalous said:


> Dude, this is exactly what I went through.
> 
> Except in my case she actually brought up (online) the fact that she was unhappy we hadn't kissed, and I still couldn't make myself do it for the next month or two until we broke up.
> 
> Yeah, I'm probably never going to bother approaching another girl again in my life.


So she was expecting you to kiss? Do you remember exactly what she said? I think our experiences have a lot of similarities. The girl I was with, we mostly talked online. I guess she enjoyed my humor, which is probably what sparked the attraction. She didn't say she was unhappy that I didn't kiss her, but a week after she ignored me (I guess that signals the "break-up"), she texted me "we're done". At the time I didn't really understand what that meant, but now I understand. Why do girls make a big deal out of kissing? I don't get it.


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