# Those who are not the favourite child



## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

I wasn't one and it still bothers me after 33 years. I try so hard to let it go but I can't. It's not like my parents ill-treat me but there are countless little things they say and do, which give away a clear message that they feel something special for my sister. This has driven me to depression and low self esteem all my life. 

I have tried to confront my mother a couple of times but she does not accept. She blames me in return saying I'm imagining it and I'm jealous and irrational. At the end of the day, I end up being the bad person again. 

But the favoritism continues. They don't mean it but it shows. That makes it even worse. They say they have given me everything equally but my point is not that. I am not saying they don't love me. I'm just saying I feel like the second best and it's not the best feeling in the world. It is very hard to make my point without sounding like a selfish, jealous little spiteful brat. 

So I try to live in self denial that the favoritism is there and continue to smile like I feel great. I try to be okay with the fact that they love her better on the grounds that they love me too. Trust me, I try. I really do because I hate the way I feel. 

Anyone feel the way I do?


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

Yes. And when I confront my mom about it she deflects as well, tells me I just set out to make her upset and that she's done everything she can for me, blah blah blah. 

It hurts to realize that she's warped and will never validate things, but in the long run I have to just accept that she won't.

She's old, I'm too good for this **** so I mostly just accept the way the family is. I have to validate myself. It hurts, and I thought I was doing okay living with it, but I think it's really screwed me up. 

We just got into in July about this favoritism, and it was a big fallout scene... she cried and my oldest sister asked me to apologize to her.


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## losteternal (Apr 1, 2013)

Same here but I dont bother with them much . I cant keep on wondering what I have done wrong. I spent most of my childhood crying over it and along with some other problems I had a complete nervous breakdown by time I was eleven.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

*What are the subtle (or not so subtle) ways the favoritism manifests for you guys? *

For starters, I was put in public school and my siblings (except for one) were put in private.

My family favors boys, especially my mom does. When my brothers had serious problems, I had to follow behind them and help out even though it put my life in danger. I didn't look down on them or mention it afterward. But they can basically threaten my life if they feel slighted and my mom ignores it.

My father said I wasn't his daughter. Among the girls he openly favored my middle sister.

My sister got a tutor and I didn't. I was told "no" even though I was failing my classes. Tutors are only for the successful, I guess.

My mom complained about paying for summer camp ONE TIME and about paying for my college.

Same sister called me terrible names, told me that no one liked me or wanted me around that everyone just humors/puts up with me. Then expected me to do something for her.

My mom didn't like the way I was dressed for my sister's graduation party so tried to push me out of the car and told me I couldn't go.

Various people fly from far and wide to attend my sister's multiple graduation ceremonies but not my ONE graduation ceremony.

People pretty much ignore and disregard what I say when my siblings are around, thinking that because it comes out of my mouth it isn't valid. My siblings actually have to tell them to listen to me.

I was told I wasn't part of the "original family"


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## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

1. When we were kids, my mum ALWAYS got gifts for sister on her birthday. When it comes to mine, there were always lame excuses such as "father didn't get paid yet", "it is not your 21st", "I don't know what you like".

2. She said I am here because some doctor said my sister needed a playmate. "If it wasn't for that doctor, you wouldn't be here anyway".

3. Once she got angry with me and said I might have been exchanged in the hospital after I was born. "You are as good as adopted".

4. My father didn't attend my graduation. Said he was busy at work but I knew he wasn't. He did not remember my class, age and stuff like that when we were kids.

5. When a relative or a friend drops by, my parents tell stories of my sister's childhood, her success in school, her husband, her job, her clothes etc. *the whole time*. It's never about me. If they open their mouths about me, that is to say something negative like "she used to get punished at school for...", "she doesn't have a guy.."

6. When my parents need some financial support, they ALWAYS ask from me. I'm okay with that but I am not okay with the fact that they don't ask from my sister because they don't want to "burden" her. They have no problem burdening me?? My sister earns 4 times more than I do and has a husband to support 1/2 of her bills.

7. In a dispute between my sister and I, my mother is ALWAYS on sister's side. She agrees with my sister's point. But, a few months later, the situation reverses and one would think she would be on your side now. But she is not. She is then on the side she said was wrong months back. You never get to win.

I can go on... Btw. I feel for you Popeet.


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## losteternal (Apr 1, 2013)

My mum phones my sister every day but doesn't bother with me for months at a time. If I phone her she is either eating dinner or just getting in the bath so she can't talk. There are millions of examples but most recent she told me not to go over as she was having family round I was so angry I cried. They shut the door in my face every chance they get but my mum is the worst.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

I really feel for you both, you two!! You don't deserve that kind of treatment, I don't understand how people can go their entire lives behaving so unconsciously.

TheVoid, that stuff your mom has said to you was extremely negating. It's more than hurtful. How can you just get over something like that? I sure hope your little cousin isn't getting that same treatment. Be there for her, if you can. You are important outside of your family's tiny myopic sister-biased world.

She's lucky you didn't shoot back with something like " I should have killed you in childbirth." But you're not a psycho so. She really ought to count her blessings.

Losteternal, I think I remember reading someplace else that you'd posted that what your mom said about not coming because family would be there. WTH is wrong with your mom? Like, literally, is something _wrong_ with her?

That's something my mom would have said after I'd pissed her off (by saying "no" to one of her requests... she hates that  ). Usually, though, it's just "yawn, I want to go home now."


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## firestar (Jun 27, 2009)

I know what it's like to not be the favorite child. My mother didn't openly hate me, but she hated my younger brother who's less than a year younger than I am. She would yell at him for _everything_, whether it was his fault or not. When I was old enough to realize what was happening, I started to defend him. I got into a lot of arguments with her because of the way she treated him.

My older brother and my younger sister have always been the favorite children of the family. They could do absolutely nothing wrong. I used to be petrified that I would get a bad grade in one of my classes. It didn't matter what grades my older brother got, he was fine. If I got into an argument or did something mean to one of my siblings, I would get yelled at and punished. My older brother and younger sister could do whatever they wanted and never had to suffer the consequences.

My dad had these rules that he made us memorize and recite whenever we did something wrong. I'll probably never forget it because I had to say it so many times when I was growing up. Of course, my older brother and younger sister were exempt from this.

I don't think this is something you ever really get over. I often wonder if my mother's treatment of me and my younger brother damaged me somehow. I remember being so open and happy when I was a kid, but somewhere starting around ages 8-10 the SA really started to kick in and that's also when I started to defend my younger brother from my mom's verbal abuse.


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## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

popeet said:


> TheVoid, that stuff your mom has said to you was extremely negating. It's more than hurtful. How can you just get over something like that?


Thanks Popeet.

I like to believe I came out of it in good shape, but in reality, I haven't. I'm constantly struggling with depression. It is hard for me to go more than a couple of months without having some kind of a breakdown.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

TheVoid said:


> Thanks Popeet.
> 
> I like to believe I came out of it in good shape, but in reality, I haven't. I'm constantly struggling with depression. It is hard for me to go more than a couple of months without having some kind of a breakdown.


Do you think some inner child work would help? Letting those feelings flood you from all your different ages?

I dunno, I've attempted to grieve certain things formerly and it's helped a bit. I don't think I came out of it so great either, but it's taken a long time to figure out what the hell happened.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

firestar said:


> I don't think this is something you ever really get over. I often wonder if my mother's treatment of me and my younger brother damaged me somehow. I remember being so open and happy when I was a kid, but somewhere starting around ages 8-10 the SA really started to kick in and that's also when I started to defend my younger brother from my mom's verbal abuse.




You might want to check out this thread.


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## x Faceless x (Mar 13, 2011)

This caused me tons of depression growing up. I tried like crazy to be who I thought they wanted me to be. I've let it go though, I couldn't let it keep controlling me.


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## losteternal (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Popeet. I have suspected that my Mum was abused but also as my Dad was violent she used to wind him up so he would shout at and wallop me or my sister instead of her. She would leave us a list of jobs to do and if we hadn't done something properly she would wait until he got home then say "that lazy ***** has done nothing all day" and he would start raving at me. My sister tried to defend me but she was scared.
A few years ago I fell pregnant and was going to stay at my sisters when he was born so she could help me learn to look after him. When my Mum found out she phoned me and said that my sister was dying, I dashed round there crying hysterically and they were all going out for lunch. My sister was ill but not dying and I couldnt really say "are you ok, mum just said you are dying" when she was sitting there with her four young children. So of course my Mum said "look at the state of her. She cant cope with a baby I wi phone social services and have it taken away." I ended up miscarrying cos of the stress. 
And guess what? She idolizes my sisters children.
Sorry for going on. I could write a book about her antics .


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## Leonodas (Mar 17, 2013)

I experience it, but I feel like the way I experience it should be expected.

I feel like my stepmother, naturally, plays favorites with the two sons she had with my father, aged four and 8 months respectively. There is also my sister, from a different mother from me and them, whom she...has problems with. She's 7. Granted, she talks a lot -- like, A LOT, so maybe I can understand her annoyance. Plus, it's hard for my sister to understand that she can't act out like she does at her mother's, so therefore my stepmother gets more frustrated with her (and her mother who has created many problems for my family. Nothing to talk about here). 

And then of course -- me. I'm already odd one out, I'm the only teenager in our collective and...I don't know. In arguments or when she's angry, she'll bring up my mother as being a "loser", "drunk", and a "deadbeat". Maybe all of those things are true, but it angers me and only makes me feel alienated because my mother actually treats me like she loves me despite some irresponsible decisions that she's made in the past.

I feel like my brothers get a lot of leeway, although I have no standard of comparison since my upbringing was so drastically different from them (you know, aside from the many different mothers and all that assorted nonsense). It annoys me a bit, but since I haven't seen how she will treat them as teenagers I can't be sure if the biases are all in my head or not.


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## TheVoid (Nov 2, 2008)

popeet said:


> Do you think some inner child work would help? Letting those feelings flood you from all your different ages?
> 
> I dunno, I've attempted to grieve certain things formerly and it's helped a bit. I don't think I came out of it so great either, but it's taken a long time to figure out what the hell happened.


I donno. After all these years of meds, self reflection, therapy and numerous other programs have not worked 100%. They have helped but not in a way I can say "who cares. I am happy the way I am. I can let go of the past". I don't know whether I will ever be.


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## firestar (Jun 27, 2009)

popeet said:


> You might want to check out this thread.


Good link. Thanks!


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

I have two sisters and one brother. The favorite child is the second to last. Since I was born last... I thought I would be the lovey dovey one but nope. This sucks.


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## zeppy (Aug 19, 2013)

I have 6 other brothers and one sister. I was close with my dad. he passed away when i was young. My mom has always been closer to my sister. I am trying to do more "girly" things to fit in with them. I am close with my mom too.but she still would rather chill with my sister more than myself.....even.. now as an adult. I am not really worried about it. I have anxiety even with family here lately.


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## sunflower456 (Oct 25, 2012)

It took me a lot of years to learn this and I'm not going to write a thousand words. I'm going to make it short and simple.

Parents favor the kid who is the easiest for them to deal with. Not all the time, but most of the time. That being said, that doesn't mean they love them more than they love you. In fact, they might not even truly love that child that they favor. They only favor that child because that child is the easiest for them. If that child challenges them in any way, do you think that child would be the favorite or shown special treatment? Nope. So in other words, it's all fake. Why would you be jealous of something that is fake?

I actually feel bad for the child who is the favorite because they always , and I mean always, have to do exactly right, or they lose that parents special affections. They can NEVER be themselves. They are living a fake life just to put on a show to the world.

Most parents, who have a favorite child, like to brag and say "see, look at my kid! Isn't he/she GREAT!" Parents like people to perceive them as wonderful. So in all actuallality , the favortisim they show the favorite child is all self serving. It's not really " love"


Then , there are those other parents, who favor a child who is the worst out of the children. For example, my uncle is a dirty, rotten, low down, drug addict and thief. But do you know why my grandparents favor him out of all the children? Because he knows how to KISS A**. He tells my grandparents everything they want to hear. He waits on them hand and foot and tells them how absolutely wonderful they are. He never argues back, he never stands up for himself....he just takes whatever they dish out and then he apologizes for it. He is such a FAKE and a manipulator. But anyway, I digress. The point of the story is, some parents will over look all the sh*t their child does if that child kisses their *** and tells them nice fantasy stories.


That is all.


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## popeet (Dec 8, 2005)

sunflower456 said:


> For example, my uncle is a dirty, rotten, low down, drug addict and thief. But do you know why my grandparents favor him out of all the children? Because he knows how to KISS A**. He tells my grandparents everything they want to hear. He waits on them hand and foot and tells them how absolutely wonderful they are. He never argues back, he never stands up for himself....he just takes whatever they dish out and then he apologizes for it. He is such a FAKE and a manipulator. But anyway, I digress. The point of the story is, some parents will over look all the sh*t their child does if that child kisses their *** and tells them nice fantasy stories.


Hah! I can relate to having a sibling like that!!

Also, the first thing you described does sound like the Golden Child in the case of Narcissistic parents. It's a really hard role because if you don't perform and you fall out of favor, welcome to the fires of hell!


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## Archeron (Aug 11, 2013)

I have an older brother,the "golden boy,that always was the favourite and the wanted child.He caused problems,but in this case everything is forgiven.Including strangling me,with everyone seeing but doing nothing.
I'm the youngest,the moron and the one that was born only with the sole purpose of helping my parents in old age.


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## ZortnTroz (Aug 23, 2013)

Sometimes it's a cultural thing and cannot be avoided. In Chinese families, it's generally always the oldest son who is the favorite, no matter what. 

When my Grandparents got older, the only people who took care of them was my Mom and my Aunts, it was never my Uncles who took care of them. If fact, one of my Uncle only took care of them for a short time, only to trick them into giving him their money and then buy the house from them, and kick them out afterwards. 

On my Grandfather's deathbed, everyone was ready to pull the plug, but we all had to wait for his Grandson, my Cousin, because he was my Grandpa's favorite Grandson. Why wait for him, when all the other Grandchildren, including me, was there to take care of him when he was in need...simply because he was the only Grandson who is able to carry on the family lineage of his last name. Sounds very trivial to fuss over a surname, but that's how it is. 

Even after my Grandparents died, they left their money only for their male sons, even though all their daughters were the ones who took care of them at the end. It has always hurt my Mom and she always starts to cry thinking about it. You can try and love someone so much, yet it will still not have any effect in the end because of tradition.


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## rayrae7 (Aug 26, 2013)

I am definatly not the favorite child. My brother is always mommy' little boy. In every situation. And I know that is alright for her to be a little protective of him because he has mild CP (extremely mild, you can't even tell there's anything different about him except for his handwriting sucks) but sometimes it just feels really unfair to me. I mean when i was like 4 and we would go to daddy's house, it was always "I love you both, I love you Bobby, Rachel take care of your brother." Which is why i like my dad better, he doesn't play favorites.


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