# Wow, I've been chatting with so many strangers in real life lately



## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I went to use the restroom at a grocery store and there was a lady working there cleaning up. I greeted her and she replied. Note taken, I greeted her first! Greeting first reduces your anxiety. Then some other lady came in with urgency asking if the cleaning lady has seen her wallet. When I was done I asked the cleaning lady if the wallet was up by the sink and she said it was in a stall. I went and looked to see if I could find it and said that probably someone before took it and that it's unfortunate. I didn't tell the cleaning lady goodbye or goodnight though!

Some elderly lady was rambling as she passed by in the aisle. It sounded like she was looking for some brand of gummy bears so I was inclined to help her out. Then I asked her what she was looking for and she told me how her grumpy sister makes her go shopping for her and she hates the store. I couldn't find my words then but at least I gave her my listening ear and attention, sometimes that's all some people need. In the moment when I interact with anyone, the world around me is kind of slow mo and fades away, similar to being with a bf/gf, lol.

At the checkout this cute lady came very close to me, she was a checkout lady y'know. She and I touched fingers by accident, I mean, no problem but still. She helped with the vegetables and fruits cuz she thought I don't know how to look up the item and scan. Was nice of her but I was getting some kind of lgbt vibes and it's no prob cuz I do want to make love with a girl someday anyway. I must look rather approachable if so many people get so close to me, or maybe I enjoy standing my ground to the point of getting knocked over? Overall, I enjoyed those vibes I was getting, I started feeling like a natural woman. There's just something special about shopping during the holidays, especially in December.

Then we went to Costco and there was this elderly lady at the sample stand with some kind of a jam and I asked her what lingonberries were. Well good thing they were a kind of berry I never heard of so I was inclined to ask. Jesus, I felt so much like a normie. She went on to tell me it's a berry like cranberry and we held eye contact while chattin', it just felt so natural. I enjoyed holding eye contact as her eyes and face were really lovely. I told her my daddyo likes jam and my daddyo took a sample and enjoyed himself, but I didn't! Now any normie would have.

It feels so good to interact with these sample stand people instead of passing by and ignoring them, at least if they have something you like go for it! Then I picked up the jam jar and looked at it and some lady passed by with a grunt and I looked up like wha? and she started telling me how good that was. I was like shocked, why are people approaching me like this, am I looking like a normie finally? It must me the holiday season I tell you! Then I went to the clothes section and I asked a lady working there if they have fitting rooms and she said they do not! Then I asked how do we try them on and she said you can try them on right there and then! Interesting, just like the OA.

Then I went to the vegetable section and I saw people grabbing bags and bags of brussels sprouts. Good thing I also went to get one and right then another elderly lady was getting one and I asked her if they were good cuz I never had any before. She said yeah and I asked her if they can be good in soup and she says she sautees hers in olive oil and stuff. Then I went on asking her if they're like asparagus and she was like no they're like little cabbages. But the eye contact was extreme, her eyes were so lovely, I felt this lovely presence of hers and the vibe was so loving. Man, I miss her already.

Then at another grocery store I kinda sorta made a mistake and only realized it when I got home. I asked the lady working there where the cookie cutters were but I didn't want the holiday ones. I meant to say madelines! Dude. You know those madeline cookie shapes. Instead I said mandolinas. No wonder she was looking like wtf. But many people these days are from different parts of the world, she probably thought I was from somewhere and my English was bad. But see, talking to people is not rocket science, they understand you no matter what!

Then I went to my college, yes man, I just made up my mind and went for it. I've done tons of runescape quests to know what to expect when I go to a certain section of a place. People are there to help you, any questions you have no matter if they sound dumb to you and you think they sound dumb to others should be asked anyway. Maybe I sound fine actually, but to me it seems it's like I'm losing words or trail of thought and I have to hurry up to not lose it or to keep it constant. Hey no prob, they can think I don't speak English very well all they want. I was waiting in line and a lady looked like she needed help so I asked her and since I know where places are I showed her the way! I got so close to her, I touched her back by accident or care?

In the past my daddyo would do all the talking for me. Now you know how kids get to this certain time in their lives where they get embarrassed to go with their parents? It's finally happened to me. It was so horrible to have my daddyo speak of my shortcomings especially when we went to see the advisor ladies. Like they don't need to know about my selective mutism and social anxiety, they're there to help regarding my degrees, classes, and goals. This step is so much simpler if I am there by myself with own voice, just like a doctor appointment or asking anyone for help. I don't need daddyo embarrassing me like this. The first time without daddyo was when I was taking my happy pill (prozac). That experience was important, it showed me that I can do it without daddyo shortcoming at me!

Oh man I signed up for work study, oh man I'm getting so normie. I also went walking around campus and enjoying my nostalgia along with dat bright sun. A student there even greeted me but I was slow to reply but glad I did, she looked like she was in a good mood so that must be why she greeted me. This "customer service" vibe makes me feel so good! So I should do it more often in return! I hope all colleges are as friendly as this one, it's just so friendly when you're a normie man. I went in the library and some hot teens were making out, so I used my social anxiety to show them some respect. This guy working there was giving me the lusty eye so I replied. Hmm, this must be what a work study is, helping out like this at a desk or bookstore, or maybe even maintenance. As long as it's as enticing as those lusty eyes, I'm all for it.

There's alot of good emotions being released even when I think about having a job and being able to buy stuff for my parents and my siblings. I also get the same good emotions when I think about going to college, not just thinking about going but actually going and actually doing and actually interacting socially in anything that is required of me. Only then I can sense that those good emotions I am feeling is what life should be. Everything is in constant movement and so should we. I've been sitting back going nowhere and feeling so bad. As you can see of course you feel bad when you're rejecting your own plans for the future. There should be acceptance and constant movement, only then can we feel like normies chasing these good emotions. OH GOD THEY FEEL SO GOOD to actually be doing it.

I'm doing this for myself first of all, then I want my daddyo to be happy and have some important gossip to share about me and then I'll feel good about myself. Then at least I'll be busy with something rather than just wasting away in my room every sucking day. At least I'll get the respect I deserve when I put myself out there to the test of being the best I can be because I can. I remember that I was smart so means I still am, ugly sometimes but that definitely doesn't matter if you have a smart brain and can really use it for something to help others.

The introductions in the classrooms have to happen and so does the group participation. I remember I did well at those when I was on prozac so I can do it again. There's just this want to do it actually, a want to do it, a want to be part of the class because I can do just as well as anyone else. And I deserve the respect and the experience of knowing I can. The presentations however I never ever did, but I feel like I need that respect also. I'll figure something out with the disability resource center but I want them to keep an open mind for me and offer a few training wheels.

This is where all youth belongs, life is thriving in college, it's the place to be for all time and the foundation of all awesome beginnings, memories, and experiences. Better here than stuck in my room all day, ugh. This is how you overcome social anxiety, you get out there and be part of stuff and public education is bound to provide you with all your needs. Friends! But I never do this talking to strangers like this, wtf is going on? I admit, I did feel alot of depersonalization these couple o' days or must be the holiday season vibe. I should keep this going against social anxiety thing going cuz seems like it's working.

And look you don't even need to have a plan either! As long as in the end you end up with a career that will help society, can you believe it?


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## Ostrichsized (Nov 29, 2016)

That's good, Swt!

Talking to strangers is what it is all about. If we can do that, we can talk to anyone. 

Just be safe about it.  No dark alley or truck stop bathroom conversations.


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## Kevin001 (Jan 2, 2015)

Congrats


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## BlackHorse (Jun 4, 2017)

Don't forget, college parties is part of the experience!


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Yeah sounds good, as long as I can make tiny strides like this with the help of the holiday season vibe then it's good enough. Like talking to people and employees more often whenever I am out and about instead of ignoring and going on about my own business. Bro this is revolutionary! I see alot of people talking more to each other during the holidays even new year out on the streets, of course they're strangers but if you say something you get closer than that! There must be some innate love for others that comes out during the holidays.

Oh I forgot, we also went to Target and I went to pay at the self checkout and had 20$ but didn't know how to add the card to pay the rest and out of nowhere my daddyo came and I asked him to help but then I realized he doesn't work there so I pushed him away. Then I looked for the lady working at the self checkout and grabbed her to help me and I told her about the money I already put in and asked how to add more with the card and she showed me how can you believe it!? I don't want my daddyo to ask her for me ugh!!!!!!!!!!! Then I told her thank you and she sounded like she liked that. I mean, she looked like she didn't expect me to not know what to do. Or she was taken aback by my request or how thankful I was for her help.

At the college I also went to the advisor office and was looking around at the rooms when a ladies voice asked if I needed help. No one was in the waiting room so I was amazed. I walked up to her and she was heavenly-looking. I asked to set an appointment with an advisor and she asked for what purpose and I told her. I also asked about the different kinds of ways to see an advisor whether by appointment or this other kind. She asked about my major and I told her undecided, but the last time while on prozac I was so decided and said something I am unsure of now! Thinking back I should have asked if I can pick an advisor, although I don't know them by face, I did make eye contact and smile with one that I do remember from a long time. She's pleasant but whoever this one is I hope they're all good at their job. The lady at the desk told me when my appointment was and then I asked her if she could write it down for me and she did. She took a long time writing it down tho, um. Cute.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Today we went ice skating! I went to pay and touched this hot guys hand by accident, no I wanted to touch him because he was so hot. I was eye balling him the whole time and he had this amazing huge smile on his face, not because of me just because he was doing customer service. You know how you touch fingers by mistake? Actually I touched him when he handed me the stickers, so. It was a mistake! But it was so soft and innocent. I couldn't chat with him but I pretended to be shy, he was just too cute. Ahh. It was surprisingly crowded there, last time I went around this time it was almost empty but I shook myself off and felt comfy anyway. All I have to do is look pleasant and enjoy myself, smile and laugh sometimes just like they do.

I skate pretty well and fast so I am very proud of that. Now I don't know how or why it happens but some hot girls asked me to take a picture of them. Why would they ask me out of all the people there? Do I look like a normie? I was busy with my ipod and music and there she is out of the blue edging me on to take her pic. I was kind of slow to react so that was extra good cuz I got thoughts in my head that she thought I was thinking of stealing her phone. So they positioned themselves and I asked which landscape they wanted their picture to be taken in. Then I told them to smile alot and be very happy and they agreed! Then I took one picture and told them that I would take a second one. Then I was done and handed them the phone, **** I don't remember if I said no problem or not. 

But it was a nice experience, ahh those hot girls tho, about my age. Then I went on skating and was looking around for them and staring at them too much rofl. Maybe they approached me cuz they liked the shape of my butt. Other than that not much happened except feeling very comfortable around alot of people and looking at them alot.


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## goldenratio (Sep 21, 2017)

SwtSurrender- you share a lot of interesting mini-stories of approaching random strangers. I appreciate how you split everything into concise, easy-to-follow paragraphs. I think it was smart of you to take the incentive and do the talking instead of letting your dad do it for you. If the parent takes care of too many things for you when it comes to strangers (even at the grocery store), that won't help your social skills much. 

It's important that you get practice with socializing. That will help boost your confidence levels over time, to the point where interacting with others becomes less intimidating. Humans (in general) aren't as scary as some might think once you develop an interest in being the initiator of conversations and get used to it. And your mini-stories illustrate this perfectly. You make it sound like you're on a journey to sample the diversity among humans out there. That's one pretty cool way to try and conquer SA.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

goldenratio said:


> SwtSurrender- you share a lot of interesting mini-stories of approaching random strangers. I appreciate how you split everything into concise, easy-to-follow paragraphs. I think it was smart of you to take the incentive and do the talking instead of letting your dad do it for you. If the parent takes care of too many things for you when it comes to strangers (even at the grocery store), that won't help your social skills much.
> 
> It's important that you get practice with socializing. That will help boost your confidence levels over time, to the point where interacting with others becomes less intimidating. Humans (in general) aren't as scary as some might think once you develop an interest in being the initiator of conversations and get used to it. And your mini-stories illustrate this perfectly. You make it sound like you're on a journey to sample the diversity among humans out there. That's one pretty cool way to try and conquer SA.


Exactly! Thanks for explaining what I wanted to say better. Made me feel good, thanks alot.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I did it, I ran from the house to the end of thee street! Man, I felt zoned out but smiled all the way through. I got these thoughts in my head that anyone who saw me thought I stole their xmas decorations. Other than that it felt like the wilderness downtown project.... But to be able to do it and prove it to myself just makes me so hard. Then we went out to tennis and we encountered another social event. Some girls about 10-15 or so in age were stuck in the parking lot. At first I thought they needed to jumpstart their car, I mean, at first I didn't even notice them or act like any outgoing extrovert does when they see someone in trouble. I don't feel like I have that vision yet where I can spot any trouble and run to fix it before they ask but it seems my daddyo does. So my daddyo out of the blue tells me about those girls over there who look like they need help.

I looked more closely and just before my daddyo wanted to start humping all over me I asked if they needed help. Now I want to feel in charge of things instead of laying back in passive aggression while daddyo does whatever he wants to do. They said they were driving a shift and I asked if it is a manual and then I understood completely what was wrong. Apparently they had trouble with shift stick driving like I used to.... But since both me and daddyo are experts in driving stick we offered to help. I mean I could have gone in their car and parked it for them but somehow I didn't have that power yet and I just let daddyo hump all over me and get it over with. While daddyo was helping them out one of the girls was staring at me but I just stood there waiting, I mean I could have chatted but eh. But whatever man, it's nice to help people now a days, I don't know how this happens when people interact with me out of the blue right when I am there. I mean there's no one but us in the parking lot, it's like coincidence or maybe it's a small world.


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## millenniumman75 (Feb 4, 2005)

That's the way it is done.

You just found that sometimes, even other people need someone to open up.

You didn't have to give your life story or anything.....they don't either! Small talk is where everything begins!

:boogie :boogie :boogie


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

In all my years in school I never came across someone who wouldn't talk at all. There were some kids even in college who were quieter than others but they did talk sometimes and I kept hoping there would be one like me who was completely mute but there never was! Now as long as I can talk at least a little then I will be good enough. I can always talk more than a little and that will be good too. Even in movies I kept looking for someone like me but even that girl in Speak was talking a little bit, she wasn't completely mute. So I really have/had selective mutism! 

Now I can see where choosing not to speak can make you an attention seeker. Seeking attention for something that happened to us so we can resolve it probably. And they always used to call me the teacher's pet and I never spoke up about that, but now I will, I'll show them! A teacher calling one of the students their pet will make other students jealous, why do they like to do that? Even teachers are bullies! Just because I was quiet.... Ugh.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I'm getting used to it now, every time I talk to someone I text myself a message to save it. So yesterday we went to Flagstaff, my mom and little bros and other brother and sis live 100+ miles from me can you believe it!? My little bros are growing up such fine young men, I'm proud of how handsome they've become. All in all Flagstaff is nice, they have snow on Christmas day and all that. And it's a huge university college town full of life and NAU and campus and hot people all around. I bet people from all over the world go to NAU so you're bound to find some awesome people there. Sucks for me that I don't live there or go to NAU but my little bro got the lumberjack!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of him. He does portray some social anxiety cuz he doesn't call the place to ask about his financial aid on his own and daddyo has to hump allover him. Eh it's okay he's still young, daddyo humped allover me when I was 18 as well. We hope he can break out of his depression, he keeps saying he's depressed, and hope he can start to enjoy life and his NAU scholarship. Oh man I am so jelly.

So we went to pick them up from their school and we were waiting outside. At times I got thoughts in my head that others thought me and daddyo were school shooters cuz we were looking so suspicious. But I kept shaking that off and went walking around in the sun and really let myself loose showing off that I was innocent and meant no harm. Daddyo had to use the bathroom so we tried all the doors and only the handicapped one opened. We walked in and daddyo asked where the bathrooms were and then I walked closer and asked about the bathrooms as well. The lady at the front desk was a rather hot girl and she told us we had to get guest passes. I can't believe how reluctant my daddyo is when breaking rules, he was reluctant to get guest passes and I was like wtf daddyo are you insane? So instead of going along with daddyo and giving off school shooting vibes, I went up to the nice hot girl and she helped me write down my name, the number of the bathroom hall and the time. I got the guest passes and thanked her along with friendly eye contact and smile.

So when we were done in the bathroom we had to sign out before leaving and here again daddyo was reluctant to sign out and he just wanted to leave! It is kind of hard to break away from daddyos weird vibe/habit but I am glad I did. So I went back to the nice hot girl and she helped me sign out by giving back my guest pass and also daddyos guest pass and signing out the time we were done. Then I thanked her for being so helpful and she was shocked because I thanked her for being so helpful. I mean maybe she wasn't shocked but that look on her face, and she was hot, made me think she was. But I really appreciate people who are helpful unlike my daddyo who keeps ****ing up and embarrassing everyone involved. So next time you go in a school make sure you get a guest pass.

So then we went back outside and I told daddyo to take off his coat to enjoy the sun, he seemed so uptight and reluctant the whole journey. I on the other hand enjoyed the cool breeze and the sun and looking around to feel more flexible. Man Flagstaff is so natural and innocent, the opportunity to be part of it is heavenly. Then daddyo got up and walked around and I followed him, then I went to the end of the street and looked around some more. Everything is so cold and beautiful, the streets so quiet and serene, reminds me of a quiet night of fresh snowfall. Then daddyo went back to sit down in front of the school and I didn't follow him, I went back later and just then some middle aged ladies were there with daddyo asking him where the front office is like he knows!? I don't know what's gotten into me but I know my voice is much clearer than daddyos ever was when he took care of business. I'm glad I returned just in time when those ladies in need arrived because otherwise daddyo would hump allover them and I would be mad probably.

So I just opened my mouth and joined in! I don't even remember what I said or asked but they started following me and I told them about the only door working was the handicapped door and there is a front desk there and I am not sure if that's the front office or not but they should ask around. I even walked them all the way to the door while daddyo was just sitting down all uptight. I said no problem once and then I said it again even louder for them. It seems people can really understand my voice and my accent, wait, maybe I don't even have one. But I can take care of things much faster than daddyo ever could. Then we waited some more in the sun and then the bell rang and the nice high school kids started coming out, again I kept getting school shooting vibes, but I kept looking around for my little bros but they weren't coming and I kept texting and nothing. Seems like they're also very shy to be seen with me and daddyo especially in front of their school. Then daddyo started walking and I followed him and he said they were already at the car! Ah, those social anxious little bros of mine coming out of the wrong part of the school just to avoid being seen with us. I even texted them a picture of what part of the school we were at.

As I drove out of the school and around the streets it was rather crowded with people running around and crossing violently. As a rather unprepared driver, I get scared man. I don't know where this happened actually, it might have been around their high school or around NAU but this really attractive hot guy violently crossed in front of me. I guess I was going with 30 miles but I was about to run him over. I think I stopped in the middle of the street when I greeted him. He was looking rather my age and hot hot hot, and my window was open and I felt inclined to greet him especially after he flew in front of my car like that. I was amazed when he turned around and smiled and replied with a hi. I actually yelled a HI!!!!!! first. Now, I am very glad it happened in a safe amount of time that I didn't hit anyone else so I think I did stop to say hi, I don't remember, everything happened in such a breathless instant. I should be more careful when hot guys violently cross the street like this, especially when they're so hot, my attention kind of escapes my good judgement. Ahhhh I'll never forget that moment....


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Continued:

Then we headed to NAU to help the little bro get information about his registration but he kept acting reluctant to go in with us. I even offered to talk for him but he kept saying that I act weird and will embarrass him. Who knows maybe he thinks I am just like daddyo, an embarrassing uptight freak. Hey man no probs but daddyo kept shouting and yelling and pushing him to get out of the car and go with me or just go together to see what's up. He didn't get out of the car at all but he kept mentioning that he preferred calling NAU instead. But to me it seemed alot more fun to just walk around like I did at my college and ask around, but he didn't want to do that. Poor little bro, he worries so much about getting embarrassed while I don't give a ****. Hey maybe he'll grow out of it someday, hopefully. He kept saying why do we have to ask for help around the school, I mean it doesn't make sense but asking for help is good. 

So we parked in the garage at NAU and he wouldn't get out of the car. Daddyo went on shouting and yelling and pulling his brains out. Nope, a social anxiety case and lack of assertiveness here, indeed. I went to get the ticket validated at a machine in the garage and at first it wasn't working so then I pushed the assistance button and asked for help. I told the guy it wasn't working but then as I was chatting with him it worked! But anyway he couldn't hear that it worked so he said he was going to send someone out to help me. Then I ran to the car since I didn't need help, oh ****, I should have called again but the guy assisting was rather strange as he wouldn't take in the fact that I didn't need anymore help. Even my other little bro ran away from the machine when I pressed on the assistance button. It seems they all have some kind of social anxiety and embarrassing issues. 

Now I used to feel really self conscious when I got out from my daddyos car in front of my mom's house, but now I just run into her house all smiling and laughing which usually takes care of everything else. Then the day went on and we tried to take care of more stuff, my daddyo was helping my mom with her issues with finances and my little NAU bro was nudging daddyo the other way to help with his NAU phone call. Now daddyo had to call NAU to ask about my little bros registration and fees. My little bro and I were in the room listening and hopefully learning. The guy on the phone from NAU was having some difficulty and he kept putting us on hold but pretty soon we got it all figured out on the phone. Now this same thing could have been done if we just went into the office at NAU little bro! But hopefully as he gets older he will become more comfortable, I mean obviously it is scary to go to NAU at just a tender age of 18. I was scared to go to a community college at 18, imagine what is going on in his little inexperienced anxious brain aww.

Then my other little bro jumped in the car with me and the NAU bro and we went to get some water and subways. Apparently the NAU bro didn't even come with us inside! He was in the car the whole time! I remember this happening to me and it's exactly social anxiety! It's exactly anxiety! He doesn't want to get embarrassed with us, maybe just with me and especially in Flagstaff where he lives and everyone from his school who knows him will see us together. Man I feel extremely sorry for him thinking I am embarrassing and not finding it in his heart that I am a lot of fun. Then he keeps on going that I call myself an introvert when in fact I act more like an extrovert. So at subway my little bro, not the NAU bro, my little littlest bro took the lead and ordered the subs! He also has a job tho, so maybe that helps him with his confidence and assertiveness unlike his NAU bro. The guy working on the subs was super slow as usual and while he was preparing the breads to bake I asked him if he had anyone else helping him out and he said no. Then I wanted to make it harder for him and asked for 2 more footlongs. But actually I wanted 2 more so I wasn't actually trying to make it harder for him but more like trying to get him back to preparing our subs.

Then I told him we pay all the subs together and gave him these 2 coupons where it says on both of them to buy one get one free. He took the coupons and was reading them quite closely. I feel for the other hot guy waiting in line, the service here sucked. I was laughing a few times idk why but I saw dat hot guy starin' my way and that made me bloom inside. I should have told the guy preparing the subs to help the other guy since he was so easily humping us when he was tending to baking the bread. He showed me where the medium cups were and I asked once or twice again since apparently I forgot cuz I was busy with the coupons. But overall I am proud of my little bro pretending to be comfortable around me and being assertive enough to speak in front me of with me as embarrassing as I am doing god knows what.

The guy preparing our subs was actually from my little bro's school, my little bro asked him if he knew the NAU bro and he said yeah. I mean, how does my little NAU bro know that this guy from his school works there and just this moment he is in the car avoiding being seen with me? Amazing how social anxiety provides you with this seeing the future and avoiding embarrassment ability! I mean I should take a step back and realize that yes, I might be seen as embarrassing especially being seen with my little bros from high school at this tender age of high school, I should take a step back and consider other ways of behaving around them. Maybe I should have asked the little NAU bro to go get the subs with my other little bro and I would stay in the car. You know, but I didn't think about that. Maybe I should have stayed in the car, maybe then my little NAU bro could go in and he wouldn't be embarrassed. He's basically allowing me to hump all over him when he just gives up and chooses to stay in the car. He has to be assertive goshdarnit! He's a NAU! 

Then I went to get the water and instead of searching for it myself I asked the guy working there if they had gallon water. He was apparently looking after me as I went to the wrong section and I turned back and there he was pointing the other way. I asked if they had other kinds and he no. Then I got it and paid with daddyo money... cuz I'm spoilt like that. The lady at the checkout thought I refilled a soda but I became assertive in that moment and told her the truth, that we went to subway. Duh, look at the cup lady, it says subway. Man you have to be very careful here especially when they ask if you want your receipt, say YES! And when they try to take your money, stand up against being humped allover and tell them the truth.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Was a bit of a late start for me yesterday, I wanted to sleep the day away but I had things to attend to. At the library I was able to walk in to take a glance at the hot guy working at the desk and then I smiled and walked all around. I was able to walk slowly all around where people sit down at computers and take my time looking around. I had just enough time to check out my financial aid and my advisement appointment. I walked in just fine and dandy but there was no one at the front desk, except this lady waiting and another guy. I don't remember if he walked in first or after me or if he was already there. At first I missed connecting my eye contact with the lady but I saw her keep looking around so I went closer and asked her if she was waiting in line. She said she was and I told her yeah me too, and she said probably everyone at the help desks are in a meeting and I agreed.

Then out of nowhere this guy comes to help but he brought in some other people in front of us, how disrespectful man. But anyway, before that two other men came in and they weren't even in line, I bet if I wasn't there they would've taken over this lady in line like the buff assertive men they wish they were. When the people in front of us/me got their help I just became assertive or started acting like a spoilt brat and let the guy at the desk know that this lady was first and I am after her. I spoke up just in the nick of time before those buff assertive men had any chance of even taking a breath in. Man, they were eyeballing me cuz I was acting so assertive and spoilt but man what can you do when the lines suck. I looked at them and the look on their faces was sour but I didn't care. I was there before them with the lady. I'm not sure about the other guy that came in before or after me but looks like I'm unsure and probably went in front of him. I had enough eye contact with the guy at this front desk to make him smile.

So when it was my turn I spoke softly and firmly with politeness and eye contact. Man, I never been so cool in my entire life, feels good to be a man. Then I walked all the way to the financial aid waiting to be called up. I'm a tad bit slow when I talk so I sound like a gangsta but I just said that I would like to know the status of my fafsa. Apparently I learned a great deal here, I am not an active student it seems and I am out of the system babey! I also asked the nice lady if it's too soon to see an advisor but she said that it's okay. That first guy I went to last week didn't even tell me about this, and now a week later they tell me! So the nice lady explained to me that I should see the enrollment people first and everything will be taken care of then. I also had extreme eye contact with this lady as I understand better when I hold eye contact and wanted to show my respect.

At the enrollment desk I was even slower to formulate my words! Then I just said that the lady from the financial aid told me I am not in the system and then the lady at the enrollment corrected me saying I am inactive. Oh thanks lady, there is the word I am looking for! Not so much eye contact here, guess when this happens I am not getting any in return. So then she gave me this registration paper to fill out and told me I would be done with it by the time they call me back up and I really was, more or less 10+ extra mins. So I went back to sit down but someone took my seat and then I sat down next to two lovely girls, they didn't mind and I didn't matter! I was just lost in filling out this damn paper. It's sad, it's been about 1 year and a half since I haven't been to college, so it makes sense why I would be out of the system and dangling in outer space. Then I was called up again and some other girls got up too so then I became assertive again and asked them if they have the same name as me which they replied no.

I went back to the enrollment and was getting help from someone else. I gave this guy the form I filled and he took his dandy time humping all over me. I gotta give it to you, sometimes people just have more humping power than others. I was thinking, whatever, I can change my admission credit whatever with the advisement so whatever he adds isn't going to be permanent so whatever go ahead and hump me! I had the resting ***** face but at least I wasn't mute. While he was working he took his dandy time to ask me how my day is which I replied good and then I asked him about his day and he replied, that's all there is to it folks, ask them how they are back and that's a job well done. So then he's like have a good day and I'm like you too, and was on my dandy way! Not much is needed here folks, just a smooth transaction like a checkout line. Eye contact not so much with this guy, eh. But why? I have no respect for him? I should have, I should in the future.

While entering the advisement office I was approached by an advisor who asked me what I was looking for. She got rather close to me and was rather very helpful but she got very close to me, I like her though. I think it was instant attraction. I told her about my appointment and then she told me to take a seat. I was looking around at the table and I saw information about the work study so I took a screenshot and while I was trying to take a screenshot this other girl at the table asked if she would like to move it for me. I didn't realize I would make her uncomfortable by basically shoving my phone in her personal space but once you're a man the whole world is yours. I was completely unaware that I was making her uncomfortable, maybe I wasn't though but I told her that it's fine just taking a pic. After she got called for her appointment I grabbed the thingy and looked more closely at it. Apparently that sweet lady who approached and got too close to my face is the one to contact for work study, yiphee! Oh well, we'll see.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Continued:

When my advisor was done with the previous appointment I got up to the desk and asked the lady there if I should wait to be called or walk right in. While I was waiting for my appointment I overheard the lady at the desk helping out a student and mentioning information about the financial aid having to be in order before registering/adding classes. So then my brain went to work so that when I went to see my advisor I saved alot of time by telling her ahead of time about my ****up with my financial aid/enrollment. I mean why do I decide so late that I want to go back to school, like really, in December? The deadline was months ago! Wait is there even a deadline? I don't know, you don't know anything if you shut yourself off from it, it's like it doesn't exist! Man, I am/was weird, but it's nice to see them still open and taking in people who are better late than never! It's really nice! Better late than never! It happens sometimes but I don't want to be seen as an exceptional person or that I am special. I completely understand if I run out of time and have to attend next semester.

For some reason there was also a need to get my high school transcripts again, I should have asked if they got it when I first attended this college. It sucks when you're out of the system man, but it showed on her computer that my other college transcripts were still there. Oh man I hope she didn't think I just graduated high school cuz I told her that was in 2008. It's so horrible, I hope they don't make me take those weird placement tests all over again, that would be so much humping. When I first got into her office she kept going on how sorry she was for being late but I reassured her that it is no problem at all, no problem. I learned it from daddyo, no problem. She asked me if I graduated with a GED but I told her I was under the special ed program and I am not sure what they did. She took her time to call some place which would get information about my high school and that was very helpful of the utmost importance to me for her to do that. It was unexpected but it seems they don't have my high school **** and they need it bad.

I told her what I did with the financial aid and the apparent ****up and she said I'll have to get back to her asap once that's resolved. I also asked her if she had any information how long it would take for an appeal and she didn't have an answer as she said only the financial aid people would know. Then she asked why I would need an appeal and I mentioned mental health/illness and I saw a sparkle in her eye! And then she started talking about how I should be under the disability program and how they can help me. Then I told her how I was under that program in the past and how I will be getting help now and in the future, just in case. So then I was on my way and I thanked the nice advisor lady and we both said our nice to meet yous which wasn't really necessary as I remember her. I felt like she was treating me differently when I mentioned having mental illness but whatever, I want to speak about it to break any stigma cuz, I don't mind. I like her, she is a nice attractive/helpful lady. My eye contact with her was extreme, as it helps in being understood and understanding. And cuz I like her and want to be respectful.

I already knew I was in the disability system cuz once you go in they don't take you out. But I went on my dandy way to visit the office anyway. Apparently there was no one at the desk in the building but I waited around hoping. A student passed by and was looking keen to help me so she said something like looks like there's no one here and then I smiled and told her it's okay hopefully someone shows up. She looked like she wanted to help me out but I told her I'm okay and she was on her way. Then someone else passed by and offered me some help, I think she worked there so I told her I was looking for the disability office. She led me through the building and I thanked her for the help. Just outside the disability office I was kinda hesitant but somehow I made some sounds and got the assistant's attention and she helped me out. She asked if I was there before and I said yeah and then I gave my name and she found me in the system, see I told you. Then apparently not much could be done as I needed to have classes first, which is the same thing I told this advisor lady, ehhh....

It's nice to see so many outgoing and friendly people working at the disability building, I really like that. It was nice to go to the disability office for once in my life without being ****ed up on prozac. The first time was with daddyo where he was talking for me cuz I was mute. Then it was daddyo and me kinda sorta better off with prozac. Then it was just me with prozac and acting strangely outgoing. And now just me. But it wasn't an appointment, just the assistant lady helping me out. But to take care of things like this on my own is unusual for anyone who knows me but very proactive regardless. The atmosphere is so different this time around, I just feel like I fit in, no, it totally must be that I choose to be an assertive man/spoilt brat. But I am nice and respectful too though, maybe I just want to try out talking to people and it seems I come across well when I try. So I should keep at it, whatever comes my way I should keep trying it out rather than straight up avoiding it.

Then we went to the grocery store, now when daddyo doesn't find something he doesn't even ask for help! He would rather just leave. I wanted to leave too but then I turned around and decided to ask an employee for help if they have an item that isn't out on the shelf. And then I got help but it was the wrong item, seriously people, employees these days not doing their jobs man. Talking to people is easy and I'm proving this out for myself how easy life is when you can talk to people and get things done. There's no more of this roadblock in my way where I can't talk and thus can't get things done. No more daddyo shortcoming at me, heck he doesn't even want to talk for me anymore. He's been pushing me to talk for a long time. I just want him to come all over himself once in his life and not have to pull out. I just want to give him that much for everything he did for me to be able to find my way in this life.

Now my next big thing is phone calls. I have a couple to make and I will make them cuz I am an assertive man who can get things done.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

No matter what I do it's never enough for my daddyo. He goes on these long selective mutism/silent treatment rides where he doesn't talk to me and there's alot of anger in the air. Which reinforces my anger and more selective mutism. We basically do not talk, even on text, sometimes on text. I don't need this bull**** from him, I am basically surrounded by *******s, according to Freud I don't need antidepressants, I need to get away from him. What an idiot he is, he basically throws all his anger of his lack of money on me like it's my fault he married a crazy woman and had a bandwagon of kids. We only had an unexpected quarrel over a phone he got me since mine got cracked and I told him to check to see if the camera works. He only checks to see if it works by calling me from it and I only mentioned to try other stuff too. Apparently that's too much for him and he has to fly into a fury of how I should take care of my own stuff(buy my own phones) and get a job. Wow maybe I should get a job HUH!!!!!!! Then I can get the hell away from him entirely.

I even baked him a batch of eclairs and not even those put him to rest. He always has to inflict some sort of conflict under his roof just for the sake of being aroused by something. I bet he gets ****ing bored and only unnecessary conflicts finally make him feel more alive. I feel the same, I feel so alive when I scream and curse at him! What a sad life. Then I find myself stressed and pulling out my hair, I won't stand for it any longer, I don't feel good living like this. I do my best to take him out to social places like tennis and ice skating and he treats me like this when I mention him to check phones he buys online?! What a bunch of crap! He's so stressed out because he has problems with money and taking care of my crazy mom cuz she's scared to get a job just like me. Whenever he goes on about her I can feel that he's also talking about me cuz we're so the same.

But that's what families are about anyway, sucking off eachother and supporting eachother okay. But there's a difference here, I am an offspring and mom is an ex wife. But since we are a family anyway, we do have to suck someone since apparently we act like parasites. I have choices tho! But mom just has her reasons on how daddyo owns her money for all she did to bring him to USA. Yada yada. Man life is confusing. I didn't want to be born! I was born because they were together while their hormones were raging! :haha ahahaahhahahahhahaah!!! I must be glad that I am alive, mustn't I? That would have done good if I broke off soon enough to learn to suck on myself so I can offer others to suck on me and have my own family. Too bad now. But surely I should start sucking on myself for my own good, otherwise I might die off! Oops. Sometimes I care but other times I feel like a nihilist. Then I feel like I am going crazy, maybe it is this way, parasites and sucking on for no reason.

Daddyo will ****ing die of a stroke, he's too uptight and full of hot air. Ugh, humans make me sick all over again, I just want to live in peace, but there's no change without destruction!!!!!!!!!! But this selective mutism he offers me just makes me so angry, like thanks. He's free to find another woman and marry away for all I care but he refuses to cuz he's shy* and wants to take care of his children instead. He believes God will reward him in the afterlife as well. We just don't get along at all man! I realize now that I am a parasite sucking and growing on him and it makes me sick. I either off myself or move out. Living with parents is very horrible, if you get a job they suck the money out of you like my mom is doing to my little bro. And if you don't have a job then she treats you like a slave, even worse than her dogs.

We used to be so enmeshed and influencing eachother but now I feel like I am coming off! I bet these continuous conflicts help alot. He's so weird he doesn't even buy a Christmas tree until the 25th, I mean **** me who does that?! We're so different! OMG! It's amazing how disabling social anxiety is where you basically have to bow and scrape to your ****ty parents to survive. And yes my parents are ****ing ****ty! And then he punishes me some more with not wanting to continue our exercise with tennis. That's where my anger for going on rollerblading began as well. You don't want to play tennis with me!? Okay I'll go rollerblading! And off I went. Wow! I can do so much with this anger, it feels like teenager rebellion! First we eat like pigs and then he refuses to play tennis with me to burn it off and live healthy lifestyles. I hate my daddyo so much! I hate him. You don't want to exercise with me?! Okay I'll go out alone you mother****er!


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Today was nice, daddyo just resumed his normality with me without asking any apologies for my curses towards him. We played tennis and made up real good. Talking to him is hard when I have to break the silence but it's good practice when I have to break it in some other situations outside of home I guess. He showed me a video from work where he exchanges presents and he was talking alot and having fun and making others laugh. He must've taken my word for it when I told him to talk alot in front of his colleagues and especially his boss if he wants a promotion. Poor daddyo, I guess he has his good days and bad days, anyone who's in his way will get his bad on that day.

@ ice skating daddyo wanted to purchase a complete set of admissions but the guy working there made a mistake and said $650 instead of $65. Ahh poor thing maybe he was trying to make a joke, he was the same guy like last time tho, dat HOT dawg! Then I intervened and asked six hundred and fifty dollars? Then his eyes moved on me since I talked and then he went back to daddyo. Still he didn't understand the mistake he was making so then we stepped aside so he can take care of other people buying their admission cuz daddyo likes to be nice and let others go in front of him when he has problems that take a while. For a long time I wanted to ask them how much their ice cream is but I didn't.... Maybe one day. There was another hot dawg at the coffee place and I stared at him a while. Pretty soon the guy selling the admission came to his senses and we got done.

I said hi to a lady who comes there often and she skates like a pro. I remember her long time around 2011. I always look at her when she doesn't look my way, and check her out. The situation when I said hi to her was me coming out of the restroom and I felt an urgency to say hi and smile outta nowhere, maybe just cuz I saw her passing by at that moment. No prob, she responded well, not loud but a quiet reply, not sure what she said but she smiled and was happy I acknowledged her. I felt good too, to smile and greet someone I like. Ice skating was nice, but close to closing time there were alot of youngsters acting very hyper and I guess my mood went off. But earlier I enjoyed myself even though it was sucking freezing. There were alot of couples, and I kept looking for.... Uhm.... One guy was smiling my way but probably he was smiling from something his gf told him but whatever at least it made me smile and warm inside too. Oh man he was hot.

Then we went to shop some more yada yada. Asking employees for help looking for an item used to be very hard. But now I can do it yay, well sometimes I don't want to but sometimes I kick myself and do it. Daddyo sets a very bad example because he doesn't ask and then I just choose to ask for him cuz he gets on my nerves how he just leaves without getting what he was looking for. He does ask sometimes, in the past he used to ask alot more. We were looking for those laser xmas lights and I saw only projections so then daddyo went on wanting lasers so then I just felt this anxiety and went for it looking for help. I found a nice lady working there aka employee and I asked her if they have any laser christmas lights for christmas and she took me back to where I was. There was a laser there but the box was opened so, idk man, I mean, the box was broken! 

Like there was another instance after the lasers when I wanted to ask about the christmas bows but I didn't. Here again daddyo wanted less bows and they only had a bunch of them for this price. Ah daddyo why can't you ask yourself?! There was a guy and that lady working there and I could have done it but I didn't. I just looked around if they had other different kinds by myself. See it's so strange how I can do one thing but then I don't want to ask for other things. Surely there must be something wrong with me. But it's nice to ask for help even on purpose man, I mean if you're in the mood.... Mood seems to have something to do with it, for me personally.

Days went by when I didn't do much. It's sad how no one cares about you especially family doctors or colleges. Family doctors don't call for followups, I have to call myself. Colleges don't call me to get back on the horse, I have to do it. I have to show that I care, why would they pull on me and call me for? I must have narcissism. But the way it is makes me angry, angry to fight for it y'know. Oh you won't call me and you'd rather just let the whole thing I worked so hard for slide? I'll show you! People don't really care about you, they just go on about their lives like you don't exist and well vice versa and the rest is just civilized customer service cuz we live in a civilized society and this is how we interact otherwise we go to jail. Nothing, nada. Just fake empathy and it shows why they don't call me from jobs or colleges or doctors, they don't care unless you care first. Even then. I learned the hard way. I kept sliding off and things were always passive, well duh.

We went to shop some more and we were looking for a whole wheat flour and again daddyo didn't ask. So then we were stuck in this baking aisle, I was looking for some oil and then daddyo left to shop alone and I was just looking around by myself. Then I went to the flour and looking for it myself. I think they look on their cameras and they saw me hanging around there too long about 30+ mins and they sent in an employee who pretended she needed to put stuff on shelves. I sort of felt an urgency as in I thought she thought I was going to shoplift so I asked her about the flour. I didn't even think it through what I was going to ask, it just came out cuz I felt guilty even though I didn't even shoplift. 

But I always have that feeling. So I asked her if they have this kind of flour and she said if it's not on the shelf and I asked maybe you have it in the back? I told her which kind I was looking for and then she added that maybe they don't carry it anymore. Then she said she can go ask the manager and I was like okay, and then I asked her if I wait here. Again, more unnecessary shoplifting feelings and thoughts. Then she came back and said they don't carry it anymore. Then I thanked her for her help like I always thank people, and I was on my way walking like a normie with my cart yahoo. Um.

As I was searching for daddyo I noticed this deranged man at the pet aisle and then I went around the aisle and saw daddyo around the yogurts and I yelled his name. The deranged man probably thought I work there cuz I was loud. I heard him asking me kind of indirectly where the medicine was. I immediately thought he meant medicine for humans and told him where it was and kind of wanted to follow him to show him the way and help him some more but the way he looked kind of scared me. Probably he was looking for pet medicine but man, idk he was looking strange like homeless. It's sad how status makes people segregated.

Then at the checkout the lady working there was very nice. I mean when we were done this coupon came out and I took it and was looking at it cuz we had something that this coupon had on it. The checkout lady was nice in this way, I didn't dangle the coupon in her face or make eye contact but probably I was holding it in such a way or maybe because we were at the end where we have to pay that she took it from me. She asked if I have a coupon and I gave it to her, she was very responsive, I didn't even make eye contact with her, I was looking at her sexy shoes.... But I like those kinds of people and I wish I was more like them with everyone. She was also helpful, I told her the coupon just came out and we have this thing on it and then it didn't work. Then she said I needed more items not just how many I had so then I went to get another one and then it worked. What a waste but coupons work that way, they trick you $ by $.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Wow they just called me from the college saying followup. Oh man I am getting paranoia. Anyway they crae, I can't add classes without financial aid. When I was at the advisor office I saw this other girl able to get classes with pocket money. Life is unfair see, others can get classes with pocket money, probably from jobs and credit cards but still. Do rich celebrities even go to universities to become doctors? No, they already make money and they don't want to become doctors. This world makes me sick. Sorry college I don't feel like it cuz it's so close to christmas and I feel like shoving my middle finger up your asses. I hate that guy who humped allover me and I hate cuz I didn't talk back to him regarding my credit. He has staring problems too, I remember him from 2011 and he still has the same staring problems like he wants to **** me or something. Seriously? This college isn't friendly unless you feel like you're in a good mood. Other than that it's just based on status like anything else in this society. I know what I have to do, enjoy this week sliding off my plan and picking it up in early January. For sucks sake.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

It must be hypomania cuz this sounds like me 
https://thebipolarcuriousblog.com/2012/02/20/chasing-hypomania/

I've been having trouble with sleep deprivation since my high school years and I think those were mostly brought on by the loads of homework I had to put up with. Not only that but also my extreme social anxiety and selective mutism plus procrastination and the inability to start the homework until it was too late which would extend into sleep deprivation. But I don't think I ever felt extremely elated as I did while taking Prozac. Back then in my high school years I just felt a constant frown on my face combined with dysthymia or sadness or depression who knows but it wasn't anything elating. Sure I was feeling good around home and my family and my siblings but at school I was a mess. There were also instances of feeling good at school when other students liked on me even though I couldn't talk to them. It felt like I was friends with them when they walked with me or were close to me and showed kindness towards me.

Probably I felt good with ongoing sleep deprivation which is why I always kept doing it even through-out college. It could be something coming from me biologically or taken on from the loads of homework in high school. And I know it has side effects plus a risk of developing Alzheimer's. While being in treatment with Prozac on and off during 2013-2016 I found that I couldn't function at all while sleep deprived and I needed the sleep. Other than that I felt extreme elation in my mood and everything that goes along with hypomania and even mania. But this hypomania/mania was brought on by the medication as I've read it does happen. While I was in those bouts my life drastically changed, at times I was always in hypomania mode and other times I do remember a cool down especially when dealing with a boyfriend.

The boyfriends were always a problem to me while on Prozac, they went on and on about how they suck in bed which was obviously my fault. I think overall they didn't like the way I behaved, talking alot with strangers - they probably felt for their insecurity. But other than that I remember having constant relationships and break ups and alot of sex. I wasn't taking things slow either, I wanted a relationship but I always had sex way too early which was more like a fake relationship consisting of casual sex with no foundation for any kind of future together. And it went on and on with the help of dating sites. Even when I stopped Prozac completely I still went on this dating trip for 9 more months. It was harder at times since I felt my social anxiety more and didn't want to go on with it but I thought I was doing myself good to keep going out and socializing like that. Once I stopped with the dating sites I stopped with this constant going on dates into hurried casual sex into fake relationships and break ups with guys completely.

The hypomania from Prozac was so helpful for me dealing with life especially for my education, in dating, and all other areas even my own family. It brought out this person I never expected I was who created new life experiences and made so many mistakes. I didn't feel any anger, who would when you feel so good. I was extremely calm but hyper and outgoing. I was able to talk, words and music came out of me like I was born again. I had this hypomania in me which caused my confidence to go so high, like I could do anything and I did. But the thing is I feel the same like this in my life right now and it has been going on since I stopped the medication. It's left me to wonder if I have bipolar or cyclothymia, or bouts of elation from dysthymia in combination with social anxiety along with cyclothymia or bipolar. But I do feel like I am chasing this feeling of hypomania because it's so energizing and I can get so much done unlike myself especially with the constant social anxiety mixed with dysthymia where I think I can't do anything. It just feels so miraculous for someone with social anxiety that it gets to the point of feeling like I'm getting over social anxiety completely.

What's worse is I feel this hypomania so deeply that I feel like I am going to lose control. And what's even worse is I feel the dysthymia or depression so deeply that I lose control of my thoughts and really want to off myself. When I feel this good I don't have any thoughts of offing myself at all. But what's worse is I think people chase hypomania because it's happiness, we always wonder what is happiness and we think this is it. We don't want to be depressed, we want to be happy. While I was reading books from Loretta Breuning I found that you can be happy when you do things that release your happy chemicals. Now I don't understand how I am already happy beforehand but maybe I've been doing something. The thing with hypomania is you experience the happiness first and then you can do things. That's how it was with Prozac too, I felt happiness and that's why I was able to do so many things. Now most of the time I feel bad, which is actually normal neutral mood as it says in her books, and you need to do things and then the happy feelings will follow or be released.

Since her books I lost track of what I might have. But the ability to feel elation in mood before doing something does give an idea that it is hypomania which might be bipolar or a mood disorder of cyclothymia or a balance between dysthymia and social anxiety. But I have to sleep at least 12 hours every day to keep myself down because when I go on sleep deprivation mode the only thing I am doing is making myself more crazier. I found that sleeping normally does bring your mood down alot, which is why I always felt low and down when I sleep normally 9-12 hours. Sometimes I slept just 6 hours and I felt hypomania all day. So sleeping does cool your mood down alot, if I can sleep normally instead of going on hypomania rides I would be better off. The ability to feel good before doing something that releases your happy chemicals is just like any other high. I am completely amazed how many people take medications, even recreational drugs just to feel that high. I just need to get it into my head with the help of Loretta Breuning that I need to feel bad before feeling good, but I only want to do things when I feel good first and that's what Prozac taught me.


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

That's great, but I really feel like it was the cleaning lady who stole the wallet! ;P


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## Elliot Wallah (Feb 11, 2017)

For ****s sake High School is a ****ing waste of time if you ****ing ask me. **** High School and **** college, all they ****ing do is ****ing get drunk and **** each other is ****ing retarded what the **** were you thinking you were ****ing doing ****ing going to college, college is so ****ing ridiculous and a ****ing waste of time and ****ing money. Do your self a favor and **** off college


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## Elliot Wallah (Feb 11, 2017)

Shut you ****ing dad up and **** him in the ****ing ***. Daddyo is a ****ing ****er and needs to **** himself what the **** were you thinking ****er


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## Elliot Wallah (Feb 11, 2017)

NEver ****ing talk to strangers they are ****ing creepy and I stay the **** away from them


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## AussiePea (Mar 27, 2007)

Jebuz


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

@Elliot Wallah Hey man don't spam my thread, thanks. BTW lurve your ****'s!


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Daddyo and mommyo


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

funnynihilist said:


> Daddyo and mommyo


I think daddyo is better because at least he took me to psychologists and college, all mommy ever does is take my financial aid and beat me up and she treats her pets better than me. Since daddyo wanted to take her to see a specialist because he assumes she has paranoia she never wanted to take me to see a specialist for my anxiety either. Mommyo always told me I'm normal, and I bet I could have been if I lived with her, but y'never know.


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Mommyo and daddyo, you is wild girl, WILD


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

On friday I had to pull on daddyo to wake up from his nap so we could go buy a Christmas tree. It was a weird day and my OCD was acting up because I thought I didn't close the garage door. So I had to go all around the neighborhood and just outta nowhere this alien ufo object was in the sky and I pulled off by the side of the road and started yelling at daddyo to hurry up and film it. Man that was funny but later we found out what it was, a space rocket being launched from Southern California! I mean, wow, you can see so far away in the sky all the way to California?!?! Anyway, it looked way too scary cool, and since not so many humans are experienced in rockets or how they look everyone thought it was an ufo. 

Then I was driving down the street and it was slow and crowded which to me felt like everyone stopped in the street or had a car crash because of it. LOL! So I was driving slow and then some hot gangsta was looking gobsmacked on the sidewalk with his phone out filming up ahead and I opened the window and asked daddyo to talk with him. Daddyo was quiet so I just blurted out something like hey is that an alien, what is that? And the hot gangsta replied to my exhilaration all exhilarated and gangsta like which made me feel sexyer. Sounded like he enjoyed someone talking to him from their car, especially on a special gobsmacking night like this. I think it's very nice how mysterious universal happenings like this bring people together/offer chances for unexpected small talk. 

At the Christmas tree lot there was no one there but I saw two employees at the garden section of Home Depot and went up to them. It feels weird for me to go up to someone and have daddyo follow me instead of me following him. But whatever, I'm just practicing letting loose and using my social skills. The two employees were talking among themselves when I was walking towards them, so I kinda sorta had to intervene otherwise I would probably be ignored and daddyo would take over. 

I didn't know one of them was taking care of the tree lot so I asked how do we get to look at the christmas trees? and the older man responded with some kind of a humor in him like we just go in through here. Like okay. Then I felt kind of fake or like I was using a facade as the other guy offered me a gangsta smile which I replied to while going on my merry way to the trees. To me he looked disturbed kinda because I intervened so assertively regarding the trees but when you do customer service your chats don't matter yo. 

Then me and daddyo followed this guy inside the lot and no one was talking so then I felt like I could do it so I went for it and asked if his trees are fresh or dry. He said that they're all dying on him and that they sent the trees in on the first week of November. When daddyo heard that he got shocked because he thinks those people who buy that early are crazy. So daddyo added his own comments to that. He had tons of fire hazard ones lying on top of each other in a separate lot and that was just sad man. And then he had these short dry mother****ers with $54. Sorry but I didn't expect the price to be so high for short dry mother****ers. 

When he told us the price and by seeing what state the poor trees he had left were in my mood just died down. I felt bad tho like my facade was showing and I felt bad for myself and for the guy because I wasn't that chatty anymore. And worse daddyo started talking in romanian with me which I thought sounded like he was talking **** about the guy selling the trees but it's damn disrespectful to talk in another language in front of someone else man. Other than that I was honest and said that I didn't like the way the trees look and then he wished us good luck in finding better. 

Then we went in to use the restroom. Now it's good that we both had to go at the same time because there was a little boy about 8 years waiting propped up against the wall between the restrooms. To me he seemed rather shy propped against the wall like he done something wrong. He looked okay but I was worried so while daddyo just passed by him not caring, I turned around and asked him if he needed any help which he shook his head. Then I also asked if he was waiting for mommy or daddy which he replied with mom. Then I smiled at him and went on my way. 

I was walking down the aisle and a hot guy without an employee shirt was putting items on the shelf and then he stopped and waited for me to pass. I passed in a hurried way on my tiptoes through the willows~ He didn't mind cuz I don't matter to him, yet. But anyway when I was around the corner I screamed out WHAT A GENTLEMAN! Then I laughed out loud so much to myself that I just made my day even though he probably thought I was ugly/retarded. I didn't hear him say anything but that's how some guys are, very quiet. Or when they don't say anything it just tells me they don't like how I act. But that's not always the case, sometimes I'm just too sizzling hot they swallow their own vocal chords.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Then we went ice skating. It's not like daddyo pulls on me to go, I want to go ice skating all the time now a days and that's awesome! I was in a good mood yes. It was a little crowded. When we got there I decided to **** with my glitchy ipod to find a song and listen to it while getting the admission. I spent too much time clicking on the ipod and the songs I uploaded on itunes didn't even show up! I got so frustrated that my mood became all *****y with a resting ***** face and then I treated everyone like a jerk! Grr! Well I just went for it and threw the **** on the table like always and I got my admission. Any normie would greet people and ask how they're doing and then gently hand their money and get their admission in a civilized manner. Not me, I'm special! Well it doesn't work that way, if you act like a jerk then you will be treated the same. Next time I should take my time to greet him and ask how he is doing.

They were cleaning the ice and I was all ready to go so I decided to walk all the way to the gates and wait. I didn't know this one hot guy was working there that night so I was severely unexpectedly aroused. Since I had the resting ***** face and my mood was bad I just had my earphones in and was searching for a song. I didn't expect he would acknowledge me if I had the earphones in and looked into the ipod. But since he works there the least he can do is offer equal customer service to all. I saw him once before too, it was lust at first sight. 

He came to unlock the gates and he was looking at me and said something about the gates but I didn't hear him very well. When he did look at me I looked up at him completely and offered him the biggest smile I ever had! I mean that was the least I could offer since he took my breath away. It was a real smile and it was for him because he offered me customer service, he literally reached out to me! Wow having a job means I can reach out to people too because then it will be customer service and if you don't do it then you might get fired. So you have to do it! Wow, what an easy way to get babes man! 

After he opened the gates he kept looking at me I think.... Then he flew out on the ice and I was like, aroused, so I followed. I felt good again because of him, but when he was interacting with other customers I felt like he was a jerk. Obviously that's not the case, it's his job to offer equal customer service duhhh. Actually, I think I am a jerk because I don't have mindless small talk with him, it would be better if I did and I would feel better too. Well since he works there and I love to ice skate, it's only a matter of time. 

Ahh that would be so nice. Just to greet him and ask how he's doing and stare at him uncontrollably and drool just because. I saw him coming on and off the ice and he likes to trick me or maybe I'm assuming **** but I still feel like a jerk because I don't stare at him that much. Next time I should stare at him much more and when he's on the ice I should reach my hand out and see if he grabs it and after that I should chase him. What I mostly did was mind my own business and avoid him, but what I really want to do is the entire opposite! Well social anxiety, again.

Other than that I skated well around bfs and gfs and was shaking especially well since I've been listening to Kate Bush music. I was shaking well on the ice to the rubberband girl song which helped raise my frown to upsidedown and have a pleasant face dat guy can remember if he wants to. I also enjoyed circling around especially in the middle of the arena cuz then at least I'm in the center of attention. I noticed I can only go in the middle when there's not that many people which is close to closing time but that's aiight. And I can raise my feet while skating so that's a plus but I try every day to get better and better and soon I'll be a pro. I can also just stand on the ice in the middle instead of the edges and just look around at people skating rofl. 

I caught him looking at me once when I sat down and the other time when I was skating and he was up by the rental skates. No **** man, I remember the lust at first sight and he wasn't looking at me that much or talking so maybe I really am hot. Then he was also looking at me on the ice because I was looking at him and he was looking at me too! So he was looking. When we were leaving I stared at him a little too much. He was up by the rental skates, and daddyo was waiting for me at the door, ah if only daddyo wasn't there!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only daddyo could have been waiting outside then I probably could have a chance to say or do something! And this is how parents can cause social anxiety. 

I think daddyo totally saw me looking intensely at this guy, I really think he did. I was walking down from the restroom and stared at this hot guy okay, my head was too low though but I continued to stare. I was walking and staring and then he looked at me and we held the gaze for a couple of seconds before I gave in and decided to shy away. If I wasn't such a jerk I would have wished him a Merry Christmas. He didn't say anything because I didn't even look at him anymore, I looked the other way! I'm such a jerk it makes me cry. Poor guy, he deserves better. Why would he say anything to me when I act like a complete jerk towards him?! Other than that I jacked off thinking of him which means I want him bad.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

On saturday we went to this other Christmas tree lot that we bought from last year but they were gone! So then I decided to look up tree lots on my phone and I just called the place up with daddyo in the car next to me and he heard everything! Now calling places is hard because I think about them too much but when it's an instant emergency as this it's so easy! I called and a guy from Oregon picked up and I asked if they had any trees. Then he said he would be able to tell me if he knew where I was located and I told him and then he told me where some tree lots would be with available trees! 

Then I repeated the streets and intersections just to get it to sink in and he repeated them too and I got thoughts that I should stop acting that silly and then I told him thanks and bye! This ability to call instantly in case of emergencies helped us find a tree faster and it was so helpful. Man, feels good to be a normie and get what you want. Daddyo had no interest to call up anyone, he just made up his mind that no one had anymore trees. Tsk, tsk. Sometimes I hate him, other times I want to bang him. I think mommyo did a good job trapping him in her web, he's got some attractive qualities in him.

So then we drove on to the closest tree lot and when I saw the trees I was so ecstatic because they were all so green, fresh, and handsome! I was all smiley when I parked and the guy working there was responding to the look on my face and was waving and gesturing to come on over! I didn't talk much because daddyo got there first, but I did make lots of eye contact and walked around. I asked this one guy if they have any noble firs and he asked this other guy and he said no. Then some other guy took the time to look around and see if he could find one just because I looked hot and he thought I would give him a tip. Then daddyo picked out a nice tall handsome beast out of the blue and I just went along with him. A fresh tree with $25 just a couple blocks away from the other lot?! Look what happens when you can make phone calls daddyo! 

The men working there looked like homeless volunteers and it made me feel kind of sad because they were all so hot and friendly. But hot and friendly doesn't always mean good, they might just be like that for the sake of tips. And the tips won't always be used for food, they have other plans like street drugs, so you can't trust anyone, no matter how they look. They even went out of their way to tie the tree to the car and everything. This other couple that came and bought a tree gave tips, but they don't think twice about people using the tips for street drugs, they just like to show off and follow society rules. They were annoying, they didn't even look at me and they left first even though I was ready to leave first. But daddyo always gets in the way and tells me to wait. Right daddyo, when I drive alone I'll wait for no one to hump allover me! One of the volunteers wished me a merry christmas and all I could say was you too.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Then we went ice skating again because I felt like it. I knew that hot guy I jacked off to wouldn't work there two days in a row but I went anyway! I felt good but since daddyo has pain in his knees which he attributes to the ice skating he decided to sit on the bleachers and wait for me. With his reluctance to come skate with me I sort of wanted to not go but I fought against my thoughts and went! Like whatever daddyo. I keep telling him to go see his doctor but he don't care. So the other hot guy at the admission is still there, must be the 4th time seeing him already, I still give him lusty looks so that's good. 

This time my good mood was showing so I went in and threw the **** on the table and he's like alright. Then I remembered to ask him about his ice cream and I was like so how much is your ice cream. How much is his ice cream!? Ha. Then he was like depends. And I was like what do you mean? How much is it?! He's like there's a range depending on which one you want. And he told me the price and I was like okay! I really want to get one just for the sake of interacting socially but daddyo's rules always gets to me that we can get more for a cheaper price from a grocery store. UGH! But if I tell him it's for the sake of interacting socially he will let me get one. But he doesn't think that everything I do is for the sake of interacting unless I remind him. 

It was a full house man! So many people ice skating and also bfs with gfs! Like tons! I felt good though because my ipod was working and I didn't have anything bad get my mood off. While getting my skates on daddyo showed me some hot guys he found for me through the glass and I looked at them and agreed that they were hot/my type. I also showed him some hot women his age but he don't care. So I just got my skates on and off I went. Man I am crazy, I skate so fast through this crowd of kids and teens like I can bump in someone but I don't! I noticed if I go slow I raise the chances of falling but if I go fast then I'm good. I was so frozen that I was singing out loud from my music and also dancing, well not too much but a little as I was skating. 

Man, that's a lot of improvement to be able to sing along out loud while skating past bfs and gfs? Wow. But this is how you should do it if you choose to skate in all kind of crowds. You have to be happy no matter what! Sure at times they kind of feel like they want to anger you because they are bfs and gfs but whatever man, I know the bfs always want me anyway. I was also looking at people a lot like at their face and showing off my upsidedown frown and they responded well. Alot of guys were staring at me so I got aroused as well! Everyone was happy to skate and enjoy their time. I saw this one young shagger seducing young vulnerable women and I was like okay.... He was looking at me too but didn't approach me, guess I'm too old for his shag.

I feel bad when I skate so close to their bfs and have to excuse myself when I go in front of their gfs but man I can't help myself when I go so dangerously fast and without a helmet! Like I get a little offended too when someone goes by that fast and so close to me or cuts in front but hey that's how it is when life is slippery. The little kids were flying in front of me out of nowhere and that made me laugh so much and there was always a possibility of bumping into them or falling on top of someone but that possibility always turned my frown to upsidedown! Not everyone is as pro as me man, others are way pro because they go backwards and jump in the air and spin 'round. 

I've yet to get there, the more I skate the more I can learn. Alot of them just don't know how to keep their legs straight, my legs are so straight! Some hot guy fell on his back in front of me and I was so close to chopping his fingers off with my skates/falling on top of him! I screamed out of course which was more of an exhilaration rather than seriousness. I had to scream out like this so many times though because this falling on top of people/bumping into people happened so often. Those moments are always good for turning resting ***** face upsidedown and boy do I feel better or what?! It was this energizing feeling the whole 2 hours that I was there!

Then they got us off to clean the ice and I was on this other side where daddyo wasn't so I decided to walk all the way to the bleachers so I can be with daddyo cuz he was looking worried. And also because the whole entire crowd of people were there and I didn't want to go at first. But I did and I hung out with daddyo while they were cleaning the ice and I looked around at the crowd and they weren't attacking me in any way. But this one couple came very close to me but I was just looking in my phone thinking that the bf wants me and is showing off for me. Like I get it, congrats that you guys have each other and can enjoy the bf and gf customer service but even if you do get in my face to show yourselves off I know your bf secretly hits on me and other girls too. 

I feel better about myself because at least I'm lusting over a few guys already, I think as long as you're lusting over someone then you can feel good when other bfs and gfs get in your face. Because they do get in your face a lot especially when you're single. Then they were done cleaning and I went to the gates to be one of the first on the ice. Oh boy when I got on the ice it was as smooth as the wind beneath my wings. I told daddyo to come and take pictures of me on the ice so I posed and smiled wide and acted like a normie and that felt really good. Now I got some pics of myself just like everyone else and I actually think I look hot – I mean, good enough. 

But to be able to pose any way I want for pictures like that in that immense crowd while the world around me faded away in that moment is just so empowering. I hope it lasts. When we were done I was staring at those hot guys and also the other one at the coffee stand, yeah. Hmm they have a nice cozy place there where they sell stuff and I like looking at it especially if those hot guys are there. Then I left without wishing that other hot guy at the skate rentals a Merry Christmas again! But it wasn't the one I jacked off to, it was the hot guy from admissions. But by golly ho! I'm such a complete jerk! Poor guy, he also deserves better. 

We went to a store and it looked like it was closed from the empty parking lots. So I went to check the hours and I spotted some guy working there and I yelled and asked if they're open and they said they're closed. Then we went to another one closer to our home and we shopped some more cuz we're rich like that, not. At the checkout I had this coupon for almondmilk and I decided to ask the lady working there if this milk I had was the same as this other one and she said no. So that was good, I told her okay then I will not get this one and I will only get these two. I didn't make eye contact but I just talked and showed the items and she understood me. 

In the store people were wishing each other happy holidays and merry christmas just like people wish each other happy new year on new year. I tell you man, these mysterious universal happenings keep bringing people together/offer chances for unexpected small talk! Like customer service from ordinary people, like they enjoy offering customer service without pay since they feel love in the air/the holiday vibe. If only that came in a pill or CBT form -- wait it does!


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## Chevy396 (Jul 10, 2017)

Yes, you do seem very chatty.

I always read your title as "I've been cheating with so many strangers lately..." but I guess it is the proper title anyhow.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

NOT YET!






What the SSRI's actually gave me was a growing/open mindset! CBT does the same too while also changing neuro-pathways because you're learning and putting what you learn to practice. Whereas SSRI's just broke through my closed/fixed mindset and just let me do whatever I wanted. Sure I was learning from the mistakes I was doing but there was no CBT to learn and practice from. Now if I never did anything then I would be the same old same old till the day I died! Wow!


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

On Xmas day I decided to go ice skating again. We went there kind of late and to my surprise that hot guy who I jacked off to was there. I didn't make eye contact when I walked in but just looked at the other guy working at the admission. The hot guy was talking with the other guy and when I walked in he left. Now he might have left because of me or to let the other guy at the admissions get to work. But I bet he didn't expect me to come over because I usually go there way earlier. This other guy at admissions was older and a lot more chatty in terms of customer service and greeting people. So he was all like how are you doing and that was easier for me to reply rather than ask him myself. So when he greeted me I felt good and smiled and answered of course. But that's the thing, greeting people makes all involved feel good, why do I always avoid doing it?! I don't want to feel good?! Sometimes I feel like I still don't deserve to feel good and that's bad.

I put my **** on the table and got the admission, then I asked for quarters and it seemed like he was going to give me some for free but then I added in exchange for this dollar. So he was looking for some and then he had to go around to the coffee stand where I noticed the original guy from the admission working there helping out a dashing young lady who didn't look behind her to give me a nasty look, which was nice. Then this guy with the quarters has this behavior about him where he drops the coins and then I thanked him several times to the point of being able to hear my own voice out loud and I liked how it sounded. But to be able to talk out loud like this with several strangers in the shop is something.

I saw that hot guy and he looked like he was extra busy with the skate rentals and the gates but his customer service and smiles were working good enough. My arousal for him died down so that was good and it was kind of crowded so he had better stuff to do than to stare only at me. Some *** told me to start skating in the opposite direction and then everyone was and to my surprise this was good for me as I could get a better look at that hot guy. For most of the time I refused to look up at him but sometimes I did. I got this intense feeling and looked up and just in time he smiled at someone so much that I caught it and smiled to myself so deeply. Oh or maybe he didn't smile at someone, maybe he smiled to himself from me?! Anything is possible. Then the other time I looked up it seemed like he had his back turned on purpose just to avoid me.

Some of the looks on his face that I was reading were most like he was pissed off because I was staring at him like a creep. He also looked kind of tired since it was Xmas day and I bet he has his own bad days but honestly it seems he liked me more when I was in a bad mood with a resting ***** face. That was the first time seeing him again so he probably didn't remember me but now he does and he doesn't like it when I keep staring at him. The only thing he can assume about me is that I am a desperate creep who stares at him all the time with smirks/smiles which translates to a complete jerk! I should show more friendliness like the guy at the admissions who greets people all the time. I don't do anything but stare – no wonder I read him from the way he's reading me. I should act on him if I want to feel better instead of reacting to him and feeling doubtful. When he did customer service on me that was him acting on me and then he felt better and so did I.

Lusting and jacking off to someone should be done in private and they should never know about it. No one puts this much pressure to have small talk with people who work there when they go ice skating. They just go there to ice skate and enjoy their time so I will do the same. I won't look for him or stare too much, I'll just look once or twice when he's not looking and then quickly look away before he catches me. Man if only normies could read people like me better but they don't, they're just mirroring me, no wonder they feel like **** and then decide to mirror it back to me and I don't like it. If I could offer something different when they read me then I would see the truth when they mirror it back at me and I'd feel better. “The way you see yourself becomes how others see you too” Now how does that work? Wow! “The things we give out come right back”.

Other than that I skated well and shook my booty and sang out loud to my music. I was still going fast sometimes and I enjoyed showing off. There was this hot girl along the edges with a nice round *** so I made a face while staring at it and hoped that hot guy saw me looking at this girl's ***. Now I also enjoy staring up close at hot girls ice skating with nice ***. I feel so normie when I skate and even better I'm surrounded by hot strangers! I used to have so many negative emotions about ice skating surrounded by strangers but since I've made up my mind to go again I just got used to it. All I have to do now is just keep going no matter what. There will always be opportunities to have small talk with anyone there and in other places, it doesn't have to be only with this one hot guy who works there.


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## harrison (Apr 14, 2012)

@SwtSurrender - can I ask you? Are you on any meds at the moment - as in any of the SSRI's? I haven't read all of your posts but just bits and pieces here and there, but I do remember from before how you seemed so manic. And I think again just recently you mentioned hypomania - a lot of what you write sounds just like me. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, mind you. 

Also, I think before you told me your shrink said he doesn't think you're bipolar - but does he still feel that way?

PS. I really like the way you write btw - you have a real gift for it I think. You could even think about copying and pasting a lot of what you've posted on here onto a blog sometime.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Wow I had a dream about that hot guy from ice skating. He was inside a booth behind glass and he gave me a pile of coins and on the floor I saw several dimes so I grabbed them too. Then I stared at him and kissed the glass very well. Hmm it must mean something but boy am I glad I was able to see him again even if it was in my dreams. :haha


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

harrison said:


> @SwtSurrender - can I ask you? Are you on any meds at the moment - as in any of the SSRI's? I haven't read all of your posts but just bits and pieces here and there, but I do remember from before how you seemed so manic. And I think again just recently you mentioned hypomania - a lot of what you write sounds just like me. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, mind you.
> 
> Also, I think before you told me your shrink said he doesn't think you're bipolar - but does he still feel that way?
> 
> PS. I really like the way you write btw - you have a real gift for it I think. You could even think about copying and pasting a lot of what you've posted on here onto a blog sometime.


No I am not taking any meds at all. I have done Dr. Richards' CBT and group therapy though so that might have something to do with my craziness. It does feel like hypomania which is not always a bad thing but it might not be bipolar. Since I don't take any meds I don't see that shrink anymore. Yes, I like how I write too so I'm just using this thread as a continuous blog. Thank you for your question.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Whatever you believe about yourself will come true over time, if I believe I have bipolar then I will! It will be so tragic just like social anxiety, but I am believing in hypomania so that's already bad enough to the point of feeling genuine highs and lows in my mood and life. I do remember being very high about hanging out with the group from Dr. Richards and other times I was low and didn't talk at all. But other times I was so high and talked so much and actually enjoyed myself! But it was never as bad as when I was taking Prozac. I had genuine control this time over myself and that's surely not full blown mania as it was with Prozac but just slight hypomania from something. The CBT does work like an antidepressant and then I might get as high as I did with Prozac which could possibly come to the conclusion that only people with underlying bipolar get hypomania from antidepressants. It must be bipolar but only if I believe in it. I mean I felt a genuine flat numb hypomania when I switched to Zoloft. I wasn't as high all the time as I was on Prozac, Prozac seems to be very bad and can induce hypomania in people who never experienced it before. Which turns into a later diagnosis of bipolar, it's ****ing sad.

I found this link where this person talks about it but he/says that they don't get hypomania without antidepressants whereas I do but I didn't before antidepressants! Sometimes in a way it feels like I am bringing it on myself as I thought it was the gateway to happiness when taking Prozac I sort of bring it on myself today. I reached out and grabbed Prozac out the grave and sprinkled it allover me and gave it life once again. Something like that.
https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/96555-ssri-induced-mania-and-bipolar-disorder/


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## buckwheats (Jan 1, 2018)

lol ur thread is awesome. makes me wanna get out there and do stuff just so i can write it down in cute recollections just like this. dont think i could get them to bet his cute though, u really have a knack for writing stuff.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Yesterday I made up my mind to go out and spend the day at the zoo with daddyo. I was tired and sleep deprived but felt a tad bit better. Sometimes this happens when I feel a tad uplift in mood or willpower and can just make up my mind and go where I ****ing want to go and that's ****ing great. It must be something like a dopamine surge and it's happened before several times as well. That place is great for walking enjoying the fresh air and taking in all sorts of babes. I didn't expect to chat with anyone but it seems I had some questions so I went ahead and asked them. Now of course people who work there would help out since that's their job and turns out they did. Most of the time that doesn't matter, what really ****s me over is my own mood. I get in my own way, I get in my own way of enjoying life.

The girls working there were super hot and helpful. You know how when you're a little sleep deprived you sort of see the world 100x brighter and sweeter? Yeah that's what happened. The zoo overall was filled with couples like always, it's a great place to take a stride with your bae I don't disagree at all. When I had a bae the world around me didn't bother me at all, I was just absorbed in him and us. Probably others are the same and me caring at all or hating them won't do any good. So I just looked at the ground when they passed by or when trying to see something or when I passed by them. It's very polite to lower your gaze and look down at your feet, I don't want to feel my distorted social anxiety thoughts by looking their way anyway. I was acting weird indeed, I kept pondering my decision to surrender to psychiatric medication and give myself up. It was a calming relaxing walk to remember for me. Once I stuck Avril Lavigne in my ears I spent a blissful afternoon walking&shaking in a dreamy daze sending cotton candy and popcorn vibes all around me.

There was an incident that happened where I acted rather hostile when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I could take a picture of her and her baby and her hubby. I was actually preparing to take a video and she interrupted me so of course I would respond in a hostile way. I was busy man but I guess she liked me since I had a cool looking phone and earphones. I was listening to music and barely heard her even but otherwise it's amazing how well your brain works and you can understand people in an instant once you come to your senses. Yeah I just got mad just like that and acted retarded and just ran for it. I feel bad otherwise because I am always such a kind helpful person or try to be like that day at ice skating when I took pics of those two hot babes. 

I enjoyed my time otherwise especially being around little kids and their parents with less self consciousness and intrusive thoughts that their parents would think I have some plans. Is it my fault that I like places where little kids go to as well? NO! There's just too many little kids to begin with. I spent more time staring at people so that was nice and it felt alot like I was in slow mo. It's amazing how much energy you have when you're sleep deprived, like I keep pushing and pushing like I am running on a solar panel. So we went hiking next to the zoo because I felt good baby. That was nice, I got to see the sunset and get my heart pumping hard and fast. One hot guy passed on his bike and I was able to stare at his face long and I commented out loud, "AHH HE'S SO HOT" and daddyo heard me completely. I noticed when I was driving I was feeling kind of shaky and was about to hit someone too, that was nice, I had a very angry daddyo screaming and shouting next to me and I didn't even get angry. I was all like, well ****. It wasn't my fault anyway, this ******* came on me out of nowhere when I was changing lanes.

One hallmark that happened was at an intersection when I decided to give a $ to a homeless girl. Daddyo used to do this when he was driving but since I was I had to pay it forward. It was an emotional exchange for me because no one at the stoplight gave her anything and I'm one of those crazy people who would stop there and turn the hazard lights on until I was done. Luckily the stoplight was very long this time. Now when daddyo wants to give money he doesn't yell out the window or wave but at least I waved the $ out the window and she saw me faster. She was looking very sad and miserable and I was a bit worn out myself but I connected with her and I told her in my low social anxiety voice, "God bless you." Then she said you too. And she gave me the warmest miserable look ever, it wasn't even a smile, just more a look of being ashamed and broken. I felt so touched I started tearing up. Everyone else has their windows shut off from the world, if I was taking SSRIs I could have connected deeper and had some compassionate small talk with her. But hard truth is that people are afraid of other people bringing them down financially or otherwise. So they do what the rest do, ignore.

Then we went to CVS to get my inhalers and it was super busy but I didn't seem to mind at all. I overheard this lady having trouble with her insurance and meds and she was crying while the sexy pharmacist ladies were calmly trying to calm her down. Our world is falling apart people! No, it's definitely the service at this CVS, I'm sure they're gonna get bad rating in bed. I wasn't really waiting in line and someone was approaching the CVS and she asked if I was in line and that was very nice and I said yes and took my spot like a chess piece. I was able to tell my name and birthday out loud like there were a few people around and I felt a little weird but everyone sounds the same so what's the big deal baby? My mood is a big deal. They seemed to have some trouble finding my **** and another sexy lady had these extreme psychedelic eyes and they got me deep so I sort of feel in love or something with her. They kept apologizing for the wait because they thought I would give them a bad rating in bed but I never do that anyway. Since I was laid back I just told them it's no problem.


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

So you just ditched daddyo and went your separate ways at the zoo?


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

funnynihilist said:


> So you just ditched daddyo and went your separate ways at the zoo?


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

SwtSurrender said:


>


Ahh, Demi Lovato is so hot. Wow she has bipolar? Well my life is just getting better to hear that.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Today I was so high, and apparently I still am. Around 4 am I woke up, I have slept the whole day yesterday from 10 pm on monday. That's sick. Around 5 am I started cooking soup while listening to music and then it hit me. It felt more like depresonalization or a panic attack. I was going out of my mind and like I was about to faint but I kept myself calm. I also felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't hear well, it was mostly like I was going deeper and deeper inside of myself. 

I've felt like this before and it was during my first try at marijuana in 2013. Where you feel like you're falling and drowning deeper into yourself and like you're going out of your mind about to faint. I also felt like I needed to run out and get fresh air and shake myself out of it. This kind of feeling also happened with Zoloft which is why I had to stop taking it. It must be something to do with dopamine but I didn't take anything except 2 cups of coffee. The music I was listening to made me feel even higher!

I still feel like this but it's not that intense as it was this morning. Anyway I feel high and like I can do anything, it must be psychosis. I haven't heard voices or hallucinated but I just feel good but also bad at the same time. But overall there's not any anxiety getting in my way as I was able to call up the psychiatrist. It's so easy when you're high! "Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment..." I was able to talk just fine and tell them everything. Now I feel like I have a major headache and nausea but I'm still high. 

This high like I've just explained happens so often, especially when I feel high. It must be a precursor to getting high or psychosis or hypomania or something. Why would I be having a panic attack anyway? I wasn't hyperventilating about anything to begin with. When I'm depressed I don't think I feel like this, no of course I don't, I feel really bad and really hopeless. When I'm depressed I can't do anything and I feel like usual self with offing thoughts and tensed up with anxiety and no future. It's not like I get high or depressed from something, it just happens out of nowhere!


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Wow this psychiatrist I called turned me down the next day! Oh this dog eat dog world I have to say. Hey like it feels bad to get rejected like so but I bet they're doing it out of tough love because my case did sound kind of urgent so they just rejected me for the common good. I was so high when I called the office and surely wasn't thinking straight but there was like no anxiety! I told the receptionist about my offing thoughts and it seems she took it another way. Man I thought if you had urgent offing thoughts that they would accept you but it seems they don't like to get stressed by mental patients so if they got an urgent offing thought mental patient then they're going to reject you so you can find help faster. Like the hotline or something. So they called me back to day and said blah blah offing thoughts blah blah we thought it would be best if you find another provider sooner. Yeah, whatever woman. They know how to find people in the healthcare system and they saw I don't have blue cross blue shield and they're like, ok we're not dealing with this one even though I mentioned I can pay with credit cards. Seriously, think about it, someone with credit cards but without health insurance is up to something, they're talking to a mental patient here for crying out loud.

Yeah, she was right, I need help asap baby. I know what to do in the future, keep the offing thoughts to a minimum and just say depressed and hopeless or something. I'm not giving up though, I looked around some more and found a psychiatric nurse practitioner who treats several stuff including bipolar and social phobia so that sounds like I hit the jackpot. Phone calls are beginning to feel easier and like a piece of ****/cake especially when you're in an urgent/emergency mood like offing thoughts and/or high. I also tried my first psychiatrist - he also turned me down. I mean even last year I tried my first nurse practitioner and she turned me down. It seems alot of psychiatrists turn you down after they see you once and that is something. I've yet to see if my past psychologists turn me down too. It's not something to do with me especially but social anxiety will always jump to conclusions, but I've read online this happens to more people. That is something I have to say.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I'm noticing hypomania or a high mood when I do stuff like I feel it always when I play tennis. Or maybe I tend to go out and play or do stuff when I feel good and that's why I feel high when I'm there. In the past I was struggling to be comfortable at the tennis courts but now I just feel like I don't care about anyone 100% anymore. Today was nice, we went out to play and I felt it again. Some youngsters were playing and I decided to throw all the bad balls on the field and they asked if those were our balls and I said no. But it was so funny and I laughed alot because I threw like 20 ****ty balls on the field but they knew those were ours. They came out on the field once to ask if one of the balls were ours and I said no and I was glad they asked so then I asked them if the balls in our court were theirs. I wanted to ask first but felt some anxiety. Other than that there was no anxiety in running and playing tennis with my nice *** at all. But to throw almost all the balls for anyone to take sure comes from some kind of hypomania where you behave like you're ****ing rich. They gathered all the balls and took them and then they probably thought I was crazy. But I had a good laugh.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

I had this impulse to go to whole foods because I deserve that beautiful food in me. So I was feeling a little good/pumped/high? and I actually felt good vibes from people, they weren't judging me and there were so many couples as well, cuz y'know whole foods alot of couples come to buy sweet cakes and make out outside their cars. So I was around the vegetables and fruits and I felt this anxiety creeping on me when a couple was approaching me so I just stood my ground cuz if I left then they would take my ****. So I was able to stand my ground and snatch the entire remaining eggplants off the shelf. God that felt so good. Grocery stores are like places you go to hunt and gather, but it's so much easier for humans, like other animals have to fight way more. Then I spent more time around the veggies and fruits and getting **** that I liked. Daddyo has this thing about him where he's OCDing about the prices and he won't get something that's say 50cents-1$ more. He needs to get past his OCD and buy **** and enjoy his ****ing life and mine. So I just got whatever cuz we're rich like that.

I was taking a long time there and I wanted to ask the employees working there if they had a fruit in the organic form. I was very hesitant at first and didn't want to ask but as I was passing by him he offered me a greeting and that's when I had an easy way to get through to him and ask him about the fruit. It was so easy! See we need more people like this who do sweet customer service and greet customers 100% naturally. I mean why would he greet me for? I wasn't even making eye-contact or standing up straight. But anyway he greeted me, an older man, so then I asked him if they have organic peaches and he's like no blah blah. Then I told him that they have the non-organic ones out and then he went to them and another employee came up to help as well, an older woman. She was nice too, I held eye-contact with her alot, which might seem lesbian but idk sometimes I just stare too long when I ask questions. So she added her input that they don't have them in season yet. And I was like alright thanks.

OMG! They don't have organic peaches in season yet but they have the non-organic ones! So that means they created these non-organic peaches out of genetic engineering! Well, you learn something new every day. Seems like I was awake to catch this one because I never thought they would go that far with food. That's sick. Then we walked nice and slow in the store, usually I would walk weird and run away from people if they got too close but thankfully the store wasn't THAT full and I was able to be myself kindof. At the dairy there was this hot guy on top of the refrigerator which was weird, but I got a nice view of his ***. We were looking at the yogurts and that guy working on the shelf dropped some kind of dairy-yogurt whatever and I made this sound out loud just for him. You know the sounds you make when you drop something important. He replied with a sexy laughter and I was so aroused and embarrassed I just ignored him. I should have looked up and made eye contact and started small talking with him about what he dropped, but as you can see I didn't. But boy am I aroused when he connected with me with his laughter or what?! Yum babey.


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## discoveryother (Sep 18, 2016)

sounds like you're doing ok. and you have all the eggplants.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Yay-aaa I got me some 5-HTP. I read online that people use it with a mood stabilizer if they have bipolar so that's cool. I mean can you imagine getting hypomania from 5-HTP?! That's crazy! So if you get hypomania or mania from 5-HTP which is less potent than an SSRI, then it might mean you have bipolar. ****! It's interesting, I hope this placebo effect lasts so I don't have to take an SSRI and I could possibly take a mood stabilizer with 5-HTP if I have bipolar. I just took a 100mg time release! From Costco, eh ehehe ahahaha! Such a nice day.

Oh man 5-htp causes Eosinophilia myalgia syndrome, hey man I don't want to get that and possibly die. I do remember feeling flu-like alot on Prozac even though I wasn't really sick physically. Jesus christ! This is scary and I'm gonna throw it down the toilet! Wait, the toilet is a bad idea, actually I'm gonna throw it in the trash. That's what you get for not researching side effects first. Not only that but it also causes heart problems, hey man I want to die anyway but this is all too scary and long term sounding bull. The way you get happy naturally is by DOING things, of course you're depressed by not living your life. SSRIs might be safer than this over the counter **** after all. Why do they even sell this **** over the counter?! Unbelievable.


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

andy1984thesecond said:


> sounds like you're doing ok. and you have all the eggplants.


:haha I love them so much. When I was taking Prozac I used to joke on social media that they were good dliodes....


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

Hows daddyo and mommyo doing?


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

funnynihilist said:


> Hows daddyo and mommyo doing?


They haven't been porking since 2016, well they used to pork even divorced and that's sick, but I guess past 55 it slows down alot. How are yours doing?


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## funnynihilist (Jul 29, 2014)

I'm guessing mine dont pork. They are both 70 now. Probably haven't porked in decades. 
But who knows...


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## SwtSurrender (Nov 24, 2014)

Wow look what I just found, "A recent theory about the cause of bipolar disorder is that it is related to abnormal serotonin chemistry in the brain. ... It is thought that the abnormal serotonin levels causes mood swings because of its feedback effect on other brain chemicals." https://www.google.com/search?q=ser...hrome..69i57.377j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Yes well that only happened to me because I took Prozac. Who ends up bipolar from taking prozac, well let's see, hmm Jim Carrey! Among others. This is ****ing sad I have to say. I didn't have any of these problems before, the prozac seriously ruined me!


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