# Liking a popular person? Please help.



## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

I know it is long. But please please help.

Hello. I am in high school and there is this girl that I know, who has gone to school with me since the seventh grade. We're juniors now, and when I got to high school I started to like her a lot because she was just so interesting and had this amazing personality, and I really really wanted to be her friend, honestly I'm watering everything down SO much because if i were to tell you everything, we'd be here forever. And I'm also just trying to keep it as generic as possible.

Anyways, she's always been super popular, and not in the movie sense where she has like _a jock boyfriend _or like blonde hair and super preppy friends. No it isn't like that, it isn't anything like that really. It's just like she is friends with all of the people in my grade and I can hardly breathe when I am in front of those people because I shake so much and it's really hard for me to talk and be social. Everyone at my school knows how quiet I am and how I never talk, and it has gotten worse. Sometimes people just stare at me for a really long time and say "Why are you so quiet???"

But most of the time, people just try to avoid me because they don't want to have conversations with me in the hallways or say hi, because they know how awkward and incapable I am. I used to talk to a few people but whenever I talked I never said much, and now this year, they try to avoid me and not say hello because they are afraid I am going to make things awkward. I try not to be offended by that, but it's hard to know that people are avoiding you bc you are you.

Anyways so, she's friends with like EVERYBODY and that's always really scared me because if she can be friends with all of the people I can't even approach, then how would I ever even be able to talk to her?

Anyways, in the 9th grade I started saying hello to her (and it took me 10 MILLION YEARS TO EVEN GATHER THE GUTS TO SAY IT, BY THE WAY. IT was like the last month of the school year.)

And she was really nice to me and said hello and even seemed kind of nervous like me, and we talked very small and it wasn't even that bad or awkward. But after that, "Hi" was all that I could say and I got cold feet and started acting weird and every time she talked to me, I got really nervous and silent and just nodded and was like "mhmmm" and when she was talking to me, but I still always said hi, and after a while she just kind of treated me sort of weird because I never talked much and it was just ugh :no

But the only reason I was acting weird was because I thought she was _so _cool and I really wanted her to like me, and when you are around someone you really want to like you, it's hard not to be afraid that you might mess up. Anyway, I realized after a while that I actually didn't know what I wanted to be w/ her because I had "fallen in love" with her, and I couldn't even talk to her properly and it was all just really bad.

And when it was her birthday, on her blog she asked people to send her messages and so I did, and I said that i'm really glad that she's alive and that i wish that i could spend a whole day with her, and that i really wanted to tell her stuff all of the time but i was scared because i didn't want to freak her out or anything. stuff like that. And then she was so,so nice and really wanted to know who I was, but I really didn't want to tell her because I just dont' think she likes me very much && because of how inept I am, and how people try to avoid me.

But I couldn't just _ignore _her, and she deserved to know who she was talking to, and it seemed like she genuinely wanted to hear the things i had to say, but... i just couldn't say them.

So, I wrote them.

I started writing tons and tons of journal entries to her about all of the things I wanted to say and every single day after school I would write about her and how beautiful she was that day and the things she did and the way she acted, and how deeply I loved her, and I would also write about my life and how things were going with me. I would write about anything in the world, and I would share it with her. It wasn't just random things like "Oh haha! I'm bored! I want to go to the mall and buy clothes! Super teen!" It was things that you usually don't ask people because they usually do not want to hear it. I wrote about anything that I wanted to in that journal because there I didn't have to afraid that she would judge me. I only cared that she listened.

Anyways, I never showed her any of the journal entries and I started writing the entries January last school year, but this year 2014. So I was in 10th grade when I wrote all of the entries about her. I sometimes wrote blog posts and hid her name an stuff. But I was just happy that I had someone to talk to, someone that would listen and someone that would understand, even if the letters had no destination. The thought was nice.

On her birthday I made her a portrait painting and just found a picture of her and looked at it once, for a few seconds and then closed it because I didn't want to stare at her face creepily forever, so I just painted it from memory and it is to date the best thing that I've ever painted because I didn't have to look at something to already know what it looked like. I really wanted it to look good because it was her I was painting and it ended up not even looking bad at all. Throughout the year I kept drawing and writing and making paintings for her, and I wrote her hand written letters and stuff. It was a lot. I loved her so much and found any way to subtly show it. :blush

I used to sit with her friends at lunch, and they never really said anything to me, and neither did she, and one time there was no room for me at the table and that was evident, and she walked into the lunch room and just said "What the hell happened" and set her stuff down anyway, even though i was just standing there. And everyone else did the same thing and wouldn't look at me, and just walked away to get their lunch. So I went to sit by myself, in the place where I used to sit as a freshman and read _Fight Club_.

Only I didn't have Fight Club then, so I just sat there. I wasn't sad because I had to sit by myself, because I know better than anybody how to be alone, I've practically got it down to a science. It was the fact that no one came. She didn't come. I sat there the whole lunch period and after a while I knew that she wasn't going to come sit with me. We weren't even that good of friends. And she didn't really know any of the way that I felt about her, she wasn't a mind reader so how could she possibly know that I was so in love with her and wanted her to notice me like I noticed her?

Anyway, another day at lunch no one was at the lunch table, it was just me and her, but we sit on opposite ends of the table bc usually there is alot of people, but that day there was no people and we still sat on opposite ends. maybe she was afraid to talk to me too, but we both just sort of sat there with the emptiness between us, staring straight ahead.

And then her friend came out of the room where they sell things in the cafeteria (she was doing the school store) and asked her if she wanted to sit in their with them). so then, she left and they walked away and I sat there and was alone again and was mad at myself for even being surprised that she would do a thing like that after last time. So i started shaking and crying. In front of everyone in the lunch room. Not many people noticed, which was a great relief.

Her friends at the lunch table didnt like me very much because I am really scared to talk and I have trouble with conversation. And they used to talk about literally everybody and gossip all the time and so I was scared that they would judge me for what I can't change.

Basically I just think that she doesn't like me very much because I'm so socially inept. And this year is 11th grade and I see her walking inside school all the time but she doesn't look at me or say anything even though I know she sees me n she just avoids looking at me really. But I know why. I know why people are the way they are to me. I'm not the same. I get it. She's not in school much at all anymore bc she's doing a program. She still goes to my school officially but just does a program where she never has to come. What I'm saying basically is that I dont see her anymore.

Anyway LONG STORY SHORT, 11th grade has started a few months ago and I started combing through my old entries I wrote to her and there are about 140, not including the blog posts and so I wanted to turn it into a book. So I started editing them and revising them because not all of it is absolute junk. So far it is 526 pages and I've just finished editing the 105th entry.

Her birthday just passed and I got really scared to send her a message but a stranger persuaded me that I should. And so I did, and she was really kind about it and said to at least think about telling her who I am. she also said she hopes she hears from me soon.

So for her birthday I bought her something (that I won't explain because it only makes sense if you know her, other than that it's just plain weird) and found a huge shoe box and then decorated it w/ important people from the past bc she loves history. Then I put my letters in a nice letter casing, and put my two favorite books into the box. And then I painted her another painting for her birthday and then I was going to put it all in the box, along wth the drawings.

I'm almost done with the book and once I send it to get printed and formatted, I also want to put it in the box, along with two cd playlists I made. But after I finish the book there will be no reason for me to keep hiding my identity from her. Only I don't know If I am brave enough to tell her, or if it is even necessary to tell her how I feel.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

And I'll be done with it around december, christmas time, and I previously wanted to give it as a present but a few days ago I visited her social media page and saw all the pictures of all her popular friends, all of the people that didn't really like me, and I saw how popular she was and realized that I will probably never tell her or never give her any of this. I got so scared and frightened by her all of a sudden she became like the other kids in my school who I am so afraid of.

the fact that she knows so many people and is so popular makes me really want to run as far away as I can, because it makes me feel like I am this outcast loser who is really pathetic, you know? I mean, I can't even have social conversations with people? I can't be social. I struggle _a lot. _And even though I guess I might be a loser, The fact that she is friends with all of these scary people terrifies me and makes me want to run far far away. How popular she is _really really _scares me. Because I can't even look at those people in the eye. It makes me shake.

And I guess I'm just wondering if you think I should still give her my box for Christmas, if I should still tell her any of it. What do you think? How do I come to terms with it? And if I don't give it to her what do you think will happen?

I just have so much fear. So much fear.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Why did somebody vote no? Can you explain?


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## rainynights (Aug 23, 2014)

dude please keep your post short. Holy crap.


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## GGTFM (Oct 7, 2014)

rainynights said:


> dude please keep your post short. Holy crap.


Read it out loud with a british accent it helps alot.


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## Sourdog (Sep 13, 2011)

Dude, please don't. This is so creepy and stalkerish, I think you need to forget about this girl and focus your time on something else.


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## Tombu (Oct 9, 2012)

If you want to hit on her do it without the box. Girls don't like creepy weird stalker like behaviour and you're pushing the limit.

She probably thinks the secret admirer messages are sort of sweet, but once she finds out they're from you, you'd better be hot as hell or else she'll just decide that she always found them creepy.


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## mistylake (Apr 24, 2012)

Sourdog said:


> Dude, please don't. This is so creepy and stalkerish, I think you need to forget about this girl and focus your time on something else.


^ this
I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't react well. Finding out that someone you barely know is that obsessed with you is quite off putting :um


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## rainynights (Aug 23, 2014)

GGTFM said:


> Read it out loud with a british accent it helps alot.


LOL


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

rainynights said:


> dude please keep your post short. Holy crap.


I wrote a novel about some girl at my school! Should I give it to her?

Is that short enough or maybe just one sentence?? How about one word? A letter perhaps? Yes! how about just the letter "N"

_Then _would you know what I mean?
Because no context is always nice! :mum

PSA: MY THREAD IS APPARENTLY CRAP


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Sourdog said:


> Dude, please don't. This is so creepy and stalkerish, I think you need to forget about this girl and focus your time on something else.


I am very offended and have never heard this before. What about what I said is stalkerish? I'm not asking to be rude but because I really want to know which parts specifically you think are creepy

Is it the fact that I started writing journal entries about someone because I was too socially inept to just go up and talk to that person? Is it the paintings? Is that not a thing you do?

p.s. Why does everyone just assume I'm a dude. I am not a dude. Do you picture some pasty, pimply white guy with lanky arms and glasses cradling a box as he types you, snorting away?? Is that what you all think?

I don't know. I'd like to think that if I effected a person so much that they decided not to kill themselves because that person reminded them of all of the reasons not to, then I would like to know about it. I feel really bad about it all now. I didn't realize that I was being so creepy. 

p.p.s I reread my post and I realize it might sound a little strange because I've told this story many times and at the specific time I was writing it, I was shaking and had trouble typing the thing just to make it legible. Not that that is an excuse, but I guess when you tell a thing so many times you get tired of saying the same things. I gave you just the facts and did not try to make you like the story or be "wooed" by the cuteness or something.

Wow. Five people. Is it really that bad??? What happens if I do it anyway??


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

mistylake said:


> ^ this
> I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't react well. Finding out that someone you barely know is that obsessed with you is quite off putting :um


Really? What makes you so confident that she would react badly? Well. I wonder how all of the celebrities in hollywood feel, then. All those people who barely know them. Just...obsessing over them. How offputting. I wonder how any person who is a role model feels. I wonder how anyone who loves another person feels! Hohoh! Off put, probably?

Do you think I am going to up, with hmmm lets say mosey on up to her my _yellow teeth and braces and greasy brown hair and say "I loveth you" with my obviously assumed lisp and accidently spit in her face in the process? Do you think I am going to go up and try to grope her chest directly after professing my undying love to her with the box to my bosom?!?!?

Do you think I am going to kneel down and propose and then kiss her feet with my venomous lips!!?!??! Super glue my arms around her angles!!! No , no, no! Handcuff myself to her! Yeah! Then toss the key in a blender. Or perhaps follow her on her way home after she leaves the school! Find her house! Take snapshots of her in her home in her pjammies and post them on my bedroom wall!!! Find her cell phone number through a hacker service! Pollute it with fetusy- pictures of me with my shirt off w/ my two pack!!!! Even take a pic with my one chest hair! Because i am so OBVIOUSLY A DUDE!!! Show up at her doorstep with 12 roses and a newfound boil on my nose 

Oh the horror!
_


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Tombu said:


> If you want to hit on her do it without the box. Girls don't like creepy weird stalker like behaviour and you're pushing the limit.
> 
> She probably thinks the secret admirer messages are sort of sweet, but once she finds out they're from you, you'd better be hot as hell or else she'll just decide that she always found them creepy.


Okay. Well. I just wrote an entire response and then Firefox crashed. So, I'm not going to give you this super intellectual answer because I just don't have the patience anymore. But for what it's worth, my last answer had a lot of truths in it, even though you will never get to see it.

I think that your last sentence makes a lot of sense and has truth in it. But the thing is, I don't want to hit on her. I don't want her to fall in love with me. I don't want to date her, or anything. My intention isn't to get something out of it. I just want the person to know that someone else, some person that is out of context, thinks she is special. In short, I want her to know about all of the things that would have saved me. The things no one ever told me, but if they had, maybe things wouldn't be different. Maybe I wouldn't be afraid that I was going to off myself. Maybe I wouldn't be afraid that I wasn't going to make it to the end of last year. And maybe,if I wasn't so socially inept, I wouldn't have to send her anonymous birthday messages. Maybe I could just go up and _hit on her. _As you say. Because that's worked just _so well _for so many other people.

I wish I could be this normal person who could just walk up and be honest about how I felt, but I can't. I'm not. Can anybody? Isn't that why any of us are on this forum? Why do I get the feeling you are all judging me? Because what the hell? You guys all silently vote "No" but you don't even go so far to say any more than "that's creepy" or "stalkerish" because it isn't the normal thing to do. CONVINCE ME THEN. I am begging you please. Two adjective and a light suggestion is really going to determine whether I keep in the biggest secret of my life or let it go and change it forever?

If I am SO creepy. If I am SO stalkerish? Then convince me. I'm not demanding you to. I'm asking. Please. Convince me you are right. Because I need help. I cannot convince myself. "Creepy" and "Stalkerish" is not enough.

I am either going to do the bravest thing that I have ever done, or I am going to not do anything because I do not want her to think that I am creepy.

And I genuinely don't know what to do. High school does not last forever. You should know, that if I don't give her this box, then that is it. I'm not going to bother her anymore. I'm not going to talk to her and try to be normal, because i've done that. I've tried talking to her and trying to be friendly. But I can't speak as well as I write. And I'm not going to stand in her face and pretend to be this great normal person, because I'm not. I don't want her to ever talk to me if I am not an honest person about it. Because I am so tired of having to be what everyone knows me as.

A year ago, I thought that I was going to die! I'm not telling you to make you feel bad for me because I do not want or need your pity. I am telling you because having a thing to believe in when you don't even believe in yourself? It can save your life.

If I reminded a person of reasons to be, if I gave a person at least one reason that life was worth living, then I would like to believe I'd want to know all about it. If my sole, small existence saved a life, I would want to know about it.

And no offense but I have to wonder if all of these people are voting "no" because of what _they_ would do, or because they are really being honest with me. Because hello?_ Social anxiety_ forum? I really hope you guys are thinking out of perspective because it feels a lot like I'm just supposed to be trapped in this stupid social anxiety shell forever. This is not a club where we all get to be hermits about our secrets, damn it. I just want to recover. I want to take a step towards trying.

How am I ever going to have social relationships?

I don't want to make a grave mistake by giving her the box. But I also don't want to regret never giving it to her either. I just need someone to be honest with me.

Why is it stalkerish? Why is it creepy? I just don't understand. I'm not capable of understanding. Writing, painting, drawing. The only way I can speak honestly to other people. Please tell me what about that is wrong.

I'm not doing this to get something out of it. I'm doing it because I don't want another person to end up like me. Not if I can help it. I don't want someone to ever have to feel like they are too complicated or strange, or that nobody will ever really understand them. I know I can't save everybody. But if I can make one small difference in a person's life? Then I want to do that. I want to be that for them. I want her to understand me by reading my novel, but then I want her to realize that the novel wasn't about her understanding me. It was about me telling her that she should never have to feel these things I'm feeling. And that, she might feel them anyway, but it doesn't mean that she's alone. It doesn't mean that she doesn't belong or that she is the thing that is not right in the world.

I want to tell her all of the things that would have saved me. I wanted her to know that all this time, I was listening. That is it.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

You know... maybe I should just stop. Because I am very frustrated. There has been 126 views on this thread. Can you believe that? Some many people, that chose to ignore me, because my post was too long.

I wonder how many times that happens and people just end up doing bad things to themselves because everyone is so shallow about everything. I thought? That the first answer helped me? But then you've got these 126 people, looking and leaving, and four people telling me its a bad idea. You have the 7 no's.... The one yes.

Yeah... This only made me feel worse about myself. I have decided to maybe just get going. I wont bother you guys anymore. I really don't even know what I intended to accomplish with this. and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to recover. From anything

No one can help me, I get it

Is it even possible that this ultimately made me just a whole lot feel worse lol
it is funny but also extremely cry-worthy :\

Agh well. Sorry to have wasted your time.


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## bubbletea (May 31, 2014)

GGTFM said:


> Read it out loud with a british accent it helps alot.


lol?

anyway are you a guy or girl? i see on your user info it says female...

i would not give her the box with all those letters. it is boderline stalkerish how obsessed you are with her. she would be overwhelmed by that stuff. if you want to get her a small gift, that's okay.

but definitely stop the letters and stop obsessing from now on. you need a new hobby and to meet friends or something. branch out. don't put everything into this one person.


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## whodareswins (Jul 9, 2014)

GGTFM said:


> Read it out loud with a british accent it helps alot.


Ha !:clap:clap

Do you are lesbian? your profile says you are female.

If you are both girls, the i dont know, girl replashionships might be different, so maybe you wont look like a creaper.

If you're a guy, get rid of that stuff and move the F*** on.


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## rainynights (Aug 23, 2014)

onemoreday said:


> I wrote a novel about some girl at my school! Should I give it to her?
> 
> Is that short enough or maybe just one sentence?? How about one word? A letter perhaps? Yes! how about just the letter "N"
> 
> ...


No i just uhh like reading for fun and long posts about one subject is no fun.

Usually my posts about a girl i like goes like this

" she's blond, super big tits and I have a pimple on my cheek. What do I do"

Usually someone writes

" Duude let her know how big your weener is"

so i'm like " solid advice" and i show her my weener and like the song by tupac " Life goes on"


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## Sahar (Jul 24, 2014)

I thought give her the box was gonna mean something totally different


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Sahar said:


> I thought give her the box was gonna mean something totally different


I'm not sure I understand. What did you think it was going to mean


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

bubbletea said:


> lol?
> 
> anyway are you a guy or girl? i see on your user info it says female...
> 
> ...


No

i bolded in black the good stuff you said
the bad stuff is in red

The underlined in red thing is perhaps the worst thing that you said to me. Never had someone to tell me to stop writing before. I'm afraid I won't do it. Sorry to disappoint but there is only so much you people can say. 
The hell does _branch out _mean? and why do you say it like it's so easy?

The more people that tell me not to do it the more convinced i become that I wont end up doing it, and it will just sit under my bed forever. And then, I'm not sure what is going to happen to me. Because I'm still gonna think about it.

Then, slowly, I'll become like how I was before I even made anything. And then? Well. It's only a matter of time

I am going to hide behind fear for the rest of my life and then I am going to die an old person filled with regret. And then, when I am old, I am going to try to think of all of the forum members, and all of the people in my life, who told me not to say anything, and all the people at school who told me not to say anything even without _knowing_ anything about the situation. They told me with their expressions and mannerisms toward me.

But then I am going to realize that it doesn't matter who were the ones that told me not to do it. Because it was only my fault i didn't do what i said i was gonna do.

And I'm not going to make new friends or get a new hobby. I don't have friends because I'm too afraid to talk to people. And I already have too many hobbies, one of which is _not_ this box. It's not a hobby.

I'm not going to do it, ok? I'm just going to sit here, doing the same things, like I've always done. I'm just really angry that you all seem to thing that what I'm doing is stalkerish and creepy and you are being careless with your words, and i _really _hope you are not bandwagoning. and somehow I'm now obsessive? Great.

These people are reminding me that I'm never going to be able to say what i mean


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

bubbletea said:


> lol?
> 
> anyway are you a guy or girl? i see on your user info it says female...
> 
> ...


What is the difference between passion and obsession?


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## Tombu (Oct 9, 2012)

onemoreday said:


> ..





onemoreday said:


> ..


I didn't read all that, but I'll reply anyway 

This wasn't a wasted post. Obsession is not healthy and you need hobbies and distractions to keep your mind from thoughts of her. I was once obsessed (with a situation, not a person). The things that helped was learning guitar, woodwork, general chores and only watching tv that was good enough for my mind not to wonder.

Any move that has the potential to alienate friendly people, I think you should avoid!



GGTFM said:


> Read it out loud with a british accent it helps alot.


I'm English and I just thought the whole thing made sense.


Sahar said:


> I thought give her the box was gonna mean something totally different


:lol
Now there's a plan that's more likely to work.


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## Rashomon89 (Dec 24, 2013)

> But the thing is, I don't want to hit on her. I don't want her to fall in love with me. I don't want to date her, or anything. My intention isn't to get something out of it. I just want the person to know that someone else, some person that is out of context, thinks she is special.


This is nice but normally I wouldn't believe in this. Most man including me wants just to date girls. But after reading all of this, if there's any chance that you are sincere I think you should tell her this.

But first, *tell her your name*. There's 99% chance that she will freak out and never talk to you (or communicate in any way). Anyway do it. You have nothing to loose, and in worst case you'll move on, which is good.

And if she doesn't freak out then give her the present-box only if she agrees with that. Explain to her that you lack social skills - I see you are very intelligent and gifted in writing. But please, keep it short (few sentences), because you obviously loose yourself in details, and for someone you don't talk in person/don't know it can be scary.

Good luck.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Rashomon89 said:


> This is nice but normally I wouldn't believe in this. Most man including me wants just to date girls. But after reading all of this, if there's any chance that you are sincere I think you should tell her this.
> 
> But first, *tell her your name*. There's 99% chance that she will freak out and never talk to you (or communicate in any way). Anyway do it. You have nothing to loose, and in worst case you'll move on, which is good.
> 
> ...


She knows my name. She knows who I am, but it's not like we're friends or anything. If I was in a store and she saw me she would recognize me and she would probably say hi or something. We're not strangers, but we're not really acquaintances either. The thing right in between. I've been in at least one of her classes every year, so I guess you could've called us classmates or the thing right before acquaintances but now, this year, lots of time has passed. I don't have a class w/ her. We are just two people that go to school together, i guess.

Some people are telling me to talk to her first and try to become friends with her, and I have done that lol. But I realized that that didn't really help my situation and only made it worse. I used to sit with her friends at lunch, not because of her but because I was acquaintances with her friends.

In any case, I'm still basically a stranger, she doesn't know me personally and although I've always paid close attention to everybody it wouldn't be right for me to say I know her personally either, because I don't. I know a lot about her, but I don't know her personally

Thank you, but I uh, probably won't.... I'm very doubtful after 10 people have said that I shouldn't. Also, it doesn't really sit well that nearly five people said all the same things and i had to convince them to understand, and even then they didn't. Maybe they're right and they don't have to know all the details to realize that I probably should have never done it in the first place


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Tombu said:


> I didn't read all that, but I'll reply anyway
> 
> This wasn't a wasted post. Obsession is not healthy and you need hobbies and distractions to keep your mind from thoughts of her. I was once obsessed (with a situation, not a person). The things that helped was learning guitar, woodwork, general chores and only watching tv that was good enough for my mind not to wonder.
> 
> ...


You became obsessed with a situation?:|

Are you telling me that I shouldn't let people become special to me and that I shouldn't become close to people

I don't know, alienated sounds a lot like I'm pushing her into a dark corner

also, the person that you quoted, I really don't understand what she was saying, and I don't understand your response to her. I already explained what the box means and i don't know uh, maybe if you read it you would know. 

But I understand. I apparently get "lost in the details". I'll have to write that down. It's hard to keep it short but no one is going to listen to me if I don't so I'll just have to get over it and cut my words down.


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## mistylake (Apr 24, 2012)

onemoreday said:


> Really? What makes you so confident that she would react badly? Well. I wonder how all of the celebrities in hollywood feel, then. All those people who barely know them. Just...obsessing over them. How offputting. I wonder how any person who is a role model feels. I wonder how anyone who loves another person feels! Hohoh! Off put, probably?
> 
> Do you think I am going to up, with hmmm lets say mosey on up to her my _yellow teeth and braces and greasy brown hair and say "I loveth you" with my obviously assumed lisp and accidently spit in her face in the process? Do you think I am going to go up and try to grope her chest directly after professing my undying love to her with the box to my bosom?!?!?
> 
> ...


Are you for real? If you only made this thread to get people to give you thumbs up, you should have said so to start with so the rest of us who think it's a bad idea wouldn't have wasted our time replying.
Also, you seem to lack the ability to be self-critical.

You should just give her the box, since you're so convinced that it's the right thing to do no matter what anyone says. I think whatever the outcome, you'll have learned something valuable.


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## Tombu (Oct 9, 2012)

onemoreday said:


> You became obsessed with a situation?:|


Yep, just couldn't get it off my mind. I was stupid enough to dwell on it instead of finding something to concentrate on when I started to think about it.


onemoreday said:


> Are you telling me that I shouldn't let people become special to me and that I shouldn't become close to people


A relationship is between two people. You're going to get some pure misery if you let people become special to you, when you're not special to them. Mirror the amount of respect people give you and they'll have more respect for you because of it. I don't care if it's not right. It's human psychology.


onemoreday said:


> I don't know, alienated sounds a lot like I'm pushing her into a dark corner


 No, you scare her and they'll push you into a dark corner. There could be a chance she passes this box around her friends. I mean if this were to hit facebook!!!:no


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## mistylake (Apr 24, 2012)

Tombu said:


> A relationship is between two people. *You're going to get some pure misery if you let people become special to you, when you're not special to them.* Mirror the amount of respect people give you and they'll have more respect for you because of it. I don't care if it's not right. It's human psychology.
> No, you scare her and they'll push you into a dark corner. *There could be a chance she passes this box around her friends. I mean if this were to hit facebook!!!*:no


My thoughts exactly.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

mistylake said:


> Are you for real? If you only made this thread to get people to give you thumbs up, you should have said so to start with so the rest of us who think it's a bad idea wouldn't have wasted our time replying.
> Also, you seem to lack the ability to be self-critical.
> 
> You should just give her the box, since you're so convinced that it's the right thing to do no matter what anyone says. I think whatever the outcome, you'll have learned something valuable.


Are _you _for real? You seem to lack the ability to understand _anything _that I have just said. Do you really think I have come here to be fanatic and to gain attention and support? I have come here because I _don't believe that I am capable of doing this. _And you tell me that I am not self critical? For the past _year _all I have been is self critical! Do you think I am just walking in a sun flower field, all so giddy because I wrote a novel about someone and I'm just so narcissistic that I'm sure she'll love it?

What the absolute hell?!?

Give me _something. _Give me more than "_ew creepy and stalkerish! Don't do it!" _How does that help me? Do you *REALLY *think that I haven't thought of that? Do you think that I haven't realized that what I'm doing is extremely peculiar and probably the behavior of that of a stalker? Do you think I haven't already beat myself up about it? Because if you do, you're _wrong. I don't know a person who has been more horrible to me than myself. _I've already made myself feel as bad as possible about it, and I really do not need people like you to tell me things I've already told myself.

You guys say "Oh don't do that! That's creepy and stalkerish!" But you might as well've said "the sky is blue"

And that is why I'm so angry. Because those who disagree _actually _believe that I haven't thought about that. They actually believe that I haven't thought this through.

I'm just asking for more than two adjectives so don't you_ dare _tell me that I lack the ability to be self-critical. If I lacked the ability to criticize myself then I would have just given her the box because I would have really believed it was the right thing to do. Yet here we are. Do you have snarky explanation for that too? Because if so, _please. Enlighten me. Enlighten us all. _

I would explain all of the other reasons this post is inadequate but I've been told I have the bad habit of long posts.

Saying that what I'm doing is creepy and stalkerish is like telling someone who is suicidal that "life isn't fair"

You aren't trying. You are writing me off like I _haven't _thought about this situation for months. Stop trying to act like what you're saying is original. If you actually want to help me then at least give an honest effort. Otherwise don't waste _my _time with telling me things that I obviously already know.

And do you realize that this is important? To you, this might just be some thread you get to be clever about! But this is my life, and whether or not I do it actually _matters._ So _sorry _if that isn't _enough _for you. But I actually have to deal with my problems while all you get to say is "creepy!" "stalkerish!" Sorry that I even tried to ask for help! My goodness.

IF I WAS CONVINCED WE WOULDN'T BE HERE NOW WOULD WE? IF TWO ADJECTIVES WOULD DECIDE WHETHER I DO SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE MY LIFE, WELL THEN WE WOULDN'T BE HERE NOW WOULD WE. SORRY IT DOESN'T TAKE TWO WORDS TO CONVINCE ME. SORRY YOU'RE_ ACTUALLY _GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE AN EFFORT ON THIS ONE.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Tombu said:


> Yep, just couldn't get it off my mind. I was stupid enough to dwell on it instead of finding something to concentrate on when I started to think about it.
> A relationship is between two people. You're going to get some pure misery if you let people become special to you, when you're not special to them. Mirror the amount of respect people give you and they'll have more respect for you because of it. I don't care if it's not right. It's human psychology.
> No, you scare her and they'll push you into a dark corner. There could be a chance she passes this box around her friends. I mean if this were to hit facebook!!!:no


 By treating people the same way they treat me, then my personality will be measured by the the other person. Who I am to another person will depend on that person. So really, I'm not going to be myself. I'm not going to be the same to everybody. Who I am depends on the way the other person treats me.

Why would I do that just so that I don't have to feel pain? Is that an honest way of living? To be different to every person you meet? What you're saying is like "what goes around comes around" which is a whole conversation in itself. And that means you are creating a barrier between yourself and other people just to protect you, so that you won't get hurt.

If somebody beats you up and leaves you in the middle of the road and then that same person is held at gunpoint in a store the next day, but you had the power to stop it w/out risking your own life, are you saying that you should just leave them there because they weren't respectful to you?

Why would I alter the way I respect a person so that they would have more respect for me? Why would I care what they think? 
How is that an effective way of going about life

And the fb thing, i mean... I really just don't think she would do that tbh. I think she's the last person on earth to do a thing like that


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## mistylake (Apr 24, 2012)

onemoreday said:


> Give me _something. _Give me more than "_ew creepy and stalkerish! Don't do it!" _How does that help me? Do you *REALLY *think that I haven't thought of that? Do you think that I haven't realized that what I'm doing is extremely peculiar and probably the behavior of that of a stalker? Do you think I haven't already beat myself up about it? Because if you do, you're _wrong. I don't know a person who has been more horrible to me than myself. _I've already made myself feel as bad as possible about it, and I really do not need people like you to tell me things I've already told myself.
> 
> You guys say "Oh don't do that! That's creepy and stalkerish!" But you might as well've said "the sky is blue"
> 
> And that is why I'm so angry. Because those who disagree _actually _believe that I haven't thought about that. They actually believe that I haven't thought this through.


What exactly do you want from us then? I don't understand. I don't know what kind of explanation you expect to get from us. This is all a matter of common sense.

You're in love with this girl, you think about her all the time, you've written 526 pages about her, you've painted her portrait, you've sent her anonymous messages online... But you barely know her, you don't talk to her in person and she completely ignores your presence in school and avoids sitting near you at lunch break.
It's pretty obvious that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings (do you even know if she's into girls?). I think it's pretty safe to say that she'd find it really strange and random that you of all people has been obsessed with her all this time and you're the one who sent her those anonymous messages.

All of your feelings, letters, paintings; we know that they mean a lot to you, but that doesn't mean that they'll mean anything at all to her. And yes, there's a high probability that she'll find it creepy and stalkerish. I would.

If you want a chance with this girl, you need a different strategy. Since you don't feel comfortable talking to her in person, why don't you try to talk to her online (without hiding your identity) first? You can't expect her to like you back if you don't give her a chance to get to know you first.


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## Rashomon89 (Dec 24, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> She knows my name. She knows who I am, but it's not like we're friends or anything. If I was in a store and she saw me she would recognize me and she would probably say hi or something. We're not strangers, but we're not really acquaintances either. The thing right in between. I've been in at least one of her classes every year, so I guess you could've called us classmates or the thing right before acquai...


If I understood correct you send her messages on her blog but she doesn't know it's you. If I were in you position I would tell her who I am. You have nothing to loose. It can be painful and awkward but you'll only learn from that experience. If she is such a nice person (popular, friendly, extroverted) she'll understand you. But don't expect she'll date you, in best case you will be her friend.

It's better to regret something you HAVE done than something you haven't.

Believe me it's easier when you let your feelings out. I had a crush on my very close girl-friend. I kept it for myself 3 years. I didn't date other girls, so I finally decided to tell her and things became little awkward for few weeks. It was tough time, but I moved on and started to date, and stayed friends with her ...



> If you want a chance with this girl, you need a different strategy. Since you don't feel comfortable talking to her in person, why don't you try to talk to her online (without hiding your identity) first? You can't expect her to like you back if you don't give her a chance to get to know you first.


This is also good advice.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

mistylake said:


> What exactly do you want from us then? I don't understand. I don't know what kind of explanation you expect to get from us. This is all a matter of common sense.
> 
> You're in love with this girl, you think about her all the time, you've written 526 pages about her, you've painted her portrait, you've sent her anonymous messages online... But you barely know her, you don't talk to her in person and she completely ignores your presence in school and avoids sitting near you at lunch break.
> It's pretty obvious that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings (do you even know if she's into girls?). I think it's pretty safe to say that she'd find it really strange and random that you of all people has been obsessed with her all this time and you're the one who sent her those anonymous messages.
> ...


This is what I wanted
Thank you so much

That's a nice idea.... but... none of you are going to like my reasoning for not doing that. And it will probably confirm any suspicions that i am this weird person you perceive me to be. But I promise. I'm _not _creepy I swear. I'm just really good at problem solving?

Here's hoping you won't judge me... but she used to have this blog... and she put it on like the front page of her thing so everyone anywhere from our school could see it

but i stopped checking her other page because i realized that even though she posted really great stuff (like stuff about social injustice and stuff. i wasn't going on her social media so much for her anymore but because she posted some really interesting information) i probably shouldn't be checking her page so much bc i didn't want to be obsessive or invasive, ya know? so then she, she changed the name of her blog and deleted it off of her other page

which hints at the fact that she maybe she didn't want ppl from school seeing her every move, you know? Maybe she didn't want her friends to see every aspect of her blog? And for a moment i thought she changed the name because of me, or something, which doesn't really make sense because i only sent her one message at the time, and to change your entire blog bc of one message like 10 months after you received the message is kind of bizarre. So I don't think she did it bc of me. But it could be.

But anyways, i found it again by googling it. It took like three seconds. I know that sounds creepy. But I just did it without really thinking. I didn't like.. hire a hacker service to find this blog. I just, googled her old url. which sounds a lot worse then it was.

So that's why i am kind of hesitant to talk to her on her blog because if you have to call what i did creepy this is like the ONLY thing. So she'd be kind of like... "hey. how did you find my blog? :blank"

So i mean there isn't a lot i can do at this point. I'm not really sure what to do with my novel, or my box or how much I'm going to regret not doing anything. But i mean... i've tried talking to her (so much, that it would be weird me to try again, especially bc of the time gap)... maybe I should just leave it alone, maybe?

Unless you all don't think it's weird, how i found her blog. I don't know. That to me, seems even more weird than approaching her and just giving her my novel. Cause like. Lol. It's her blog, and me just shooting her a message like an old friend? I feel sort of invasive in that way.

Oh! I'm sorry! I'm trying to keep it short!


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Rashomon89 said:


> This is nice but normally I wouldn't believe in this. Most man including me wants just to date girls. But after reading all of this, if there's any chance that you are sincere I think you should tell her this.
> 
> But first, *tell her your name*. *There's 99%* chance that she will freak out and never talk to you (or communicate in any way). Anyway do it. You have nothing to loose, and in worst case you'll move on, which is good.
> 
> ...


Oh. I just reread this and saw this part. You really think she will freak out? :blush

But don't I? Won't I lose my dignity?


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## EGamComp (Jan 22, 2014)

Don't do it, she'll definitely get creeped out.

I used to be madly in love with a girl who didn't even know my name. I did what you did and sort of messaged her through an Anonymous profile, about how I liked her etc. and she kept asking who I am. So finally I told her my real profile and she was like "Idk who you are", and threatened to call the cops; her dad messaged me threatening to beat me up. 100% srs.


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## Brandeezy (Dec 23, 2009)

Sahar said:


> I thought give her the box was gonna mean something totally different


I'm dying laughing over here :lol


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Brandeezy said:


> I'm dying laughing over here :lol


Can someone explain what she's talking about??? I still have clue why she said this or what's funny??

Did she make a typo? Or what?


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

EGamComp said:


> Don't do it, she'll definitely get creeped out.
> 
> I used to be madly in love with a girl who didn't even know my name. I did what you did and sort of messaged her through an Anonymous profile, about how I liked her etc. and she kept asking who I am. So finally I told her my real profile and she was like "Idk who you are", and threatened to call the cops; her dad messaged me threatening to beat me up. 100% srs.


Wow, really? :blush What did you do afterwards?


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## Brandeezy (Dec 23, 2009)

onemoreday said:


> Can someone explain what she's talking about??? I still have clue why she said this or what's funny??
> 
> Did she make a typo? Or what?


Are you a girl or a guy?


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

onemoreday said:


> Sahar said:
> 
> 
> > I thought give her the box was gonna mean something totally different
> ...


lol. OHHHHH. Wow I can't believe it took me that long to figure it out


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## Fruitcake (Jan 19, 2012)

It's not particularly weird to look up someone's blog like that. people do that sort of thing all the time.

Can you give her the paintings and writing without giving away who you are?

Do you know much about whether she has any understanding of mental illness or people with very extreme emotions or passion? Like including whether she likes literature or whatever about that sort of thing.

I think there are certain people who would appreciate something like that or at least understand it, but they're less common than people who would be scared by it. That doesn't mean it's your fault for being creepy, it's just that when someone breaks social boundaries by doing something like this they become less predictable to others and can seem confusing or threatening. That's partly why people are judging you in the thread, because we tend to be safer if we encourage people to act in more predictable, socially acceptable ways and assume that people who don't act in those ways are creeps/freaks or dangerous somehow. So things like this get shunned I suppose.

I'm guessing she doesn't make judgmental comments about people who are different or you probably would have assumed that she would definitely find it creepy. You might have already answered some of these things but I skim-read parts of this thread so I have missed some parts.

Also I think it is clear that you are being obsessive and it might not be good for your health but it's not as awful a thing as people make it out to be. It's very understandable in depressed or isolated people especially, and you seem to have better intentions that plenty of people who aren't obsessive so I don't think it should be judged harshly. Maybe it is even helpful like you said, in that it gives you something to get through when you don't have anything else to hold on to.

I think you need to look into therapy or some other form of treatment for the way you feel. That's especially important if you think you're going to feel more suicidal if you don't go through with this.

I do think it's a nice idea to let her know that she helped you through rough times. Even if you don't end up giving her all of your writing, you could consider giving her a letter or something to let her know that you admire her and that when you felt really down her existence helped you carry on.

I actually think you seem sweet and you are a good writer. Just saying that because people are being a bit harsh here.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Fruitcake said:


> It's not particularly weird to look up someone's blog like that. people do that sort of thing all the time.
> 
> Can you give her the paintings and writing without giving away who you are?
> 
> ...


No she would know right away who it is. I wish, but no. It was the one place where I never had to hid myself. You know it's weird, because, you ask these questions and they without a doubt describe her.

She's a very passionate person and she likes reading but I don't know if she likes literature. She is just the kind of person who appreciates everything. And I do believe she is one of these people.

Thank you, by the way.


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## vicente (Nov 10, 2003)

Don't do it. Move on. You've wasted too much time and effort on this one person. You must never tell her how much you think about her. Start with small talk, and ask her to hang out with you. Maybe if you bring someone else along it won't be as intimidating.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

vicente said:


> Don't do it. Move on. You've wasted too much time and effort on this one person. You must never tell her how much you think about her. Start with small talk, and ask her to hang out with you. Maybe if you bring someone else along it won't be as intimidating.


Thanks for the advice, but I've done that already. I've talked to her enough to know that if I tried to talk to her again in the way that i did, it would just make things really weird. I wrote it above, but you probably didn't read all that, which is understandable.

Hm. One of your sentences interests me though. Why must I never tell her? :|

It's funny, because when I sent her an anonymous message I said that i promised i would tell her someday, all the things i've been meaning to say.

And now I'm thinking about what that guy said, about how she might think it's sweet now but once she knows its me she'll decide she's always thought them creepy.

I don't know what that means for me, because i'm still left with this box afterwards. And I have to deal with it, yet i'm not sure how. How to deal with seeing someone every day and basically i dunno, lying to them.

Contrary to popular belief, "moving on, getting over it, make friends, get a life" is a lot easier said than done. I'd just like you all to know that.

I am sitting here, equally torn. People are telling me I should, and people are telling me that I shouldn't. I don't really know what to think or feel myself. And I think I probably just won't. As much as it pains me, if that's what the majority thinks than I should probably listen to people who aren't me.


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## Rashomon89 (Dec 24, 2013)

You definitely wasted too much time on her and that's why I think it's good to end this up by telling her who you are. 

It will end up good or bad. In both case it's win win situation for you in my opinion.

If she responds well give her the box. If not, you'll feel bad for some time and time will heal your wounds.

But in the end it's up to you to weigh things up. Ask yourself is it worth it? Do you want to step up and change something in your life?


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> I know it is long. But please please help.
> 
> Hello. I am in high school and there is this girl that I know, who has gone to school with me since the seventh grade. We're juniors now, and when I got to high school I started to like her a lot because she was just so interesting and had this amazing personality, and I really really wanted to be her friend, honestly I'm watering everything down SO much because if i were to tell you everything, we'd be here forever. And I'm also just trying to keep it as generic as possible.
> 
> ...


Forget it. I honestly have given up on girls for 2 years now.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> Forget it. I honestly have given up on girls for 2 years now.


Lol what kind of advice is that


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> Lol what kind of advice is that


If you did any of the creepy stuff with the box or the poems and the blog, she's probably been creeped out. So you should just give it up now. First you have to develop yourself. You can't go after a girl if you don't have confidence in yourself. Work on that and then once you have self esteem and confidence you can go after a girl, and maybe even have a long term relationship. I finally realized this yesterday. We can't just want a girlfriend and then think it is gonna happen. We have to personally develop ourselves so that we don't get crushed if something doesn't go our way. Once we have confidence we can then be in control and not care if things don't work out. The reason we are always so crushed is because we think it is always our fault. We have to take it as a lesson and then move on.


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## thetown (Aug 16, 2014)

Dude, listen to me man. It's really nice and all that you care so deeply about this girl, but if she doesn't show any interest to you then you might wanna give up on her. I mean if she's social and popular, when you say next to her at lunch, then she would bring up a conversation. Don't worry though, there are plenty of other girls out there and it's not always about finding a girl that's pretty but one that's likes you for who you are. 

My advice: don't go pursuing a girl, let them pursue you. In the meantime, find things to do, focus on your academics - college apps is next year for you!! Lol but so true, find something that you have passion in. Girls like guys that have something to offer so build a foundation for yourself to gain some confidence. 

Hey I'm in a sorta similar situation like you. High school senior here, never had a gf (well I never actually really cared anyways -had a bunch of other things going on in my life. Well good things going on ) anyways I really like this popular girl too (talks to anybody, over 2000 FB friends blah blah blah...) anyways I never really cared because you know... I don't have any experience with girls and also Im super shy haha. So I just worry about my own life which was just basically playing volleyball, ping pong lol, and other highs that I like. See, I'm also a really competitive person so I like to beat everyone in everything lol, whether it be school related things or really stupid games. Anyways, like I said I just went on with my life. Then I found out that she actually knew my name and stuff about me, before I even knew her name. She joins in a lot of my extracurriculars and even choose to sit next to me in a class and talk to me there. You know even these little things drive a SA person crazy. Haha I'm off on a tangent here but the moral of the story is that worry about other things instead of her and even if you get rejected, it wouldn't be the end of the world since you have other things o look forward to. 

Idk if my post is even helpful but good luck man.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Lovecrushed said:


> Dude, listen to me man. It's really nice and all that you care so deeply about this girl, but if she doesn't show any interest to you then you might wanna give up on her. I mean if she's social and popular, when you say next to her at lunch, then she would bring up a conversation. Don't worry though, there are plenty of other girls out there and it's not always about finding a girl that's pretty but one that's likes you for who you are.
> 
> My advice: don't go pursuing a girl, let them pursue you. In the meantime, find things to do, focus on your academics - college apps is next year for you!! Lol but so true, find something that you have passion in. Girls like guys that have something to offer so build a foundation for yourself to gain some confidence.
> 
> ...


Thank you for replying anyway, even after all this time, lol. It's funny you mention that because today I actually saw the girl I was talking about and I realized something that's she's been doing since school started. Every time she sees me.

...She's...not. Looking at me. _On purpose_. And I mean there's a fine line between not noticing someone and noticing someone and specifically avoiding their face. I was in the hallway today and we were the only 2 ones in the hallway and she was on the opposite side and she was staring straight ahead and completely avoiding the other half of the hallway and its like who tf does that you know? I would be a fool to let that go over my head too. Who the hell just stares straight ahead in a hallway COMPLETELY IGNORING THE OTHER HALF OF THEIR EYE, THE OTHER HALF OF THE HALLWAY? No. That's so stupid and she's knows it. She's clearly ignoring me. Doesn't that sound absolutely ridiculous? When you're walking in a hallway with only one other person do you really not look at them? When you see a person in their peripheral vision? WHAT EVEN? I didn't want to make it about me but WHAT ELSE IN THE WORLD COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?! She must have seen it was me and kept staring straight ahead. This is not the first time this has happened and I didn't say anything because one time last year I did it to her, but only because I didn't want to obsessively stare at her and I didn't believe she'd say hi to me, even though I think she was smiling at me. BUT REALLY? Over that one time she's just going to ignore my face? No! I've been stupid to deny what is really going on here. But it doesn't matter anymore, I suppose.

Because it's no longer about being brave enough to do this. It is about accepting that for whatever reason, she doesn't actually treat me like a real person. And that despite her being completely oblivious to everything I've done, she doesn't actually like me very much at all. And I don't think this book or novel or box or anything would change that.

And I didn't want to see the bad things and sort of hoped that she was just shy but really? To say _that_ at this point would just be idiotic. She just _doesn't _like me. People tend to do that a lot to me. Without ever knowing me! Wow. How talented they are, to be able to see the undesirable things in me upon first glance.

And I didn't want to have to say that because she used to be the only person who didn't treat me that way and now I just feel alone and like everyone is always going to do this to me, everyone is always going to decide that I'm not a special person. I don't know why people do that to me but I think that I'm going to leave her alone now. She can live her life with her pretty hair and pretty friends and pretty _little_ coffee. I'm not going to bother her anymore.

It's sort of ironic that I carry the letters around with me in my bag because I don't want anyone at my house to find them. so they're always with me. And so they're just in this little folded ziploc bag, and then I have a jourrnal too that I carry in my bag and then I carry around the flash drive of my entire novel and I dunno I guess I just sort of outline it with my thumb whenever I'm nervous at school or anywhere. And I take that flash drive with me everywhere and I just always trace it with my finger tips in my pocket, as I walk. It's a habit.

It might sound stupid but I liked to think that this single story I wrote gave me purpose for once in my life. I had evolved so much as a writer. And for this first time, my words actually seemed worth remembering! I was so excited to share them with someone else!And so even if things were going bad, that flash drive always reminded me that I've done something memorable here. And that I was finally going to show someone this and they would know and be influenced by me. Be inspired. And that would inspire a chain reaction of people changing lives. And I would have made a difference. And that would give me reasons to be. The stupid flash drive reminded me of reasons why I deserve to be here. And it constantly reminded me that even though nobody treats me like a real person, they're wrong about me. They're all wrong. It says "I'm special too, I just know it." That's what it did for me.

So in that moment, when I was walking down that hallway, while Popular and Pretty was so busy ignoring me with a nice hot coffee in hand (I mean she _literally _had a coffee in her hand! Which truly pissed me the hell off for no reasons in particular. Like what the hell? This is high school. Who does that?) I held the novel of her in my pocket and she did her utmost best to make sure she didn't notice me. I stared at her for so long it began to bother me and I decided never to do it again. I know what it feels like to be watched like that and have it bother you, and I would hate to do it other people. There used to be this girl that always watched me and it felt like she was undressing me with her eyes or something. So I know exactly what it's like and make a point of not doing it to other people. But the thing with this girl is that I _haven't done anything wrong._ What have I done? What have I actually done that justifies why my life is like this?

I can't imagine what in the world I did to deserve that kind of behavior from her, but I guess these things just happen to you and all you can do is sit there and take it. It makes me angry how she can so easily ignore me but every time I see her I go home and cry and shake and have spasms and symptoms. I'm just stuck with this stupid, idiotic, fatal social anxiety. It's the absolute worst thing in the world. And then there are the people who use disorders as adjectives and pick them up and toss them on the floor whenever they'd like. They don't actually have to carry the burden. "I am SO OCD about my room lol!" "I'm so depressed guys!" "I get really bad social anxiety upon on stage!!!" HAHA! Because it's so obviously something you just _get _like contracting a cold! Good one!

So, you all? 16 people who said no? Hopefully it will bring a smile to your faces to know that I'm not going to do it, and I'm just going to be sitting in my bed, shaking and crying until the end of time because nothing is ever different things are always the same. People never change and it's likely everyone will always treat me this way. I was foolish to believe that this person that I found, was any different. I was so so foolish.

I just sort of wish I was important enough to people to be treated normally? But people go _out of their way _to avoid me. She was just like the rest of them today. And I was completely alone.

I wanted so badly for this to work out for me! I was so tired of thinking about this and having to do these things. I wanted to know they were going to a great purpose. But now I've got an irrelevant novel i spend a year and a half writing that is the one thing that gives my life purpose, that no one is ever going to read because it was only meant for one person. That kind of a thing is enough to drive you crazy. It's enough to decide you want to end your life. To be constantly reminded that you aren't special enough.

I have lost hope. And this is not happening anymore. I'm not sure what is going to happen to me. I didn't write this so you all would pity me, but because I came home today and realistically thought about how long I've got left. And so now I'm just writing to keep my mind off of it. It's not working.

But I still really do appreciate your advice, and you are _not_ one of the ones who just wrote me pretty advice that sounds easy on the tongue but isn't actually easy on the doing.. so thank you.

p.s. come on ! What you say should not depend on whether I am a girl or a boy! don't be that way!


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Oh please someone read that. I know it is long. Please someone decide that what I have to say is important enough for a few minutes of your time. 

I really really need someone to read that and decide that it makes sense. And that I'm not crazy


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> Oh please someone read that. I know it is long. Please someone decide that what I have to say is important enough for a few minutes of your time.
> 
> I really really need someone to read that and decide that it makes sense. And that I'm not crazy


I'm pretty sure this girl is straight and you are just creeping her out extremely. Leave her alone before she reports you or starts spreading rumors. That's what popular people do. This letter story thing is creepy. You need to stop. There is a fine line between liking someone and stalking them and you crossed it.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> I'm pretty sure this girl is straight and you are just creeping her out extremely.* Leave her alone *before she reports you or starts spreading rumors. That's what popular people do.


But that doesn't explain why she's doing what she's doing.

Lol what? What rumor does she have to spread about me? Lol? I've literally done nothing? I'm just so confused because like why? Why.

And I want you to know something. Look at what you just said. Look.

That is literally all I've been doing for the past three. Years. Leaving her alone. Leaving everybody in the world, alone. And I'm tired of not doing anything. Of sitting around always caring about people's impressions and what they will think.

Popular people will literally be the cause of the apocalypse. Can I just say.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Lol thanks 17th person! Glad my destruction could make you smile


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> But that doesn't explain why she's doing what she's doing.
> 
> Lol what? What rumor does she have to spread about me? Lol? I've literally done nothing? I'm just so confused because like why? Why.
> 
> ...





onemoreday said:


> Lol thanks 17th person! Glad my destruction could make you smile


Your sarcasm isn't wanted here.

You said she doesn't like you. So why would you keep trying to being around her?


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> Your sarcasm isn't wanted here.
> 
> You said she doesn't like you. So why would you keep trying to being around her?


_Oh._ Don't even.
Oh okay, so because the world is catered to your liking all of a sudden? What is that you _do _want, by the way? A little more pout-pout? (a word of advice: never tell sarcastic persons to stop being sarcastic. it won't work) I was being sarcastic so that I would not have to face the reality that I apparently did a really bad thing. 17 people seem to agree. And don't tell me not to be sarcastic. I guess I'm just falling apart. In this very moment, what else can i really be? I'm not even sarcastic anymore. I'm hysterical. I've gone crazy with the things wrong in my life.

To be honest I don't think that many people who read this thread understood what I was saying and maybe that's because I have the tendency to drone on and on and on. But maybe if you didn't catch it, I don't go out of my way to be around her. I don't have any classes with her. And I'm not _trying _to be around her. I barely ever see her. Maybe once every few weeks? I mean it's not like I frequent in the places she goes. We go to the same school... Should I drop out? Become a hermit so that I make sure I'm leaving her alone and never attend any school? Oh. _Right._ My sarcasm isn't wanted.

If I was going to follow through with the original plan I would've just waited until the next time I see her at school. I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm not stalking her.

Other than that, I usually will just be doing my own things and then she pops up.

I think it's hard to stop caring about a person once you've already started so please don't write me off like it's so easy to do the things your saying.


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## Rashomon89 (Dec 24, 2013)

I already voted yes here, replied, and read all your posts...

It happens. We avoid some people because of stupid reasons. I do it all the time, and even you said you did it to someone. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling blue after seeing her last time.

If you are still interested in making any advance with her you can brake that avoidance when you see her next time. Approach and say hi, and ask her something random (How are you, for example). She cannot avoid that  Try, you have nothing to loose! If she responds unfriendly then she's not so nice like you described her earlier. And she's not the only girl in the world.

I see you are very talented in writing. :clap
In the meantime why don't you channel your negative thoughts into writing about something else? 

P.S.
Do you have her on FB?


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## WillYouStopDave (Jul 14, 2013)

OK. I've read as much of this thread as I can. I'm sorry but some of your posts really are just enormous. That's my fault for having a limited attention span but let me just ask this.......

Does she know you're female (I mean, does she know the person who sent her the blog message was female)?

I didn't notice whether or not you mentioned it. Is she gay/bi? That's obviously going to be a big factor in what she would think if she finds out who you are. If she's not attracted to girls, she might be anything from horrified to indifferent even if she isn't weirded out by the other stuff. 

As far as your main question goes, if she likes girls and you know it and she's open about it, it's all about whether or not you can handle the rejection if it comes. It sounds like it's going to be very awkward. I don't think it's a good idea for you to let her know about all the obsessive stuff. It might be possible for you to kind of slowly get to know her without making a direct pass at her but if she has any idea at all that it was you on the blog, it might not go well.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

WillYouStopDave said:


> OK. I've read as much of this thread as I can. I'm sorry but some of your posts really are just enormous. That's my fault for having a limited attention span but let me just ask this.......
> 
> Does she know you're female (I mean, does she know the person who sent her the blog message was female)?
> 
> ...


Yeah that's what I was saying. You need to find out what she is so you can see if it is even worth your time.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

WillYouStopDave said:


> OK. I've read as much of this thread as I can.* I'm sorry but some of your posts really are just enormous.* That's my fault for having a limited attention span but let me just ask this.......
> 
> Does she know you're female (I mean, does she know the person who sent her the blog message was female)?
> 
> ...


How is that my main question. 
Again. I am not doing this because I want date her. I'm not doing this so she'll like me back. Really, truthfully, I'm serious. I'm really not sure how many times I can say it but maybe people just don't believe me when I say it or something?

I guess I just don't really get why her orientation would matter if my intention is not to date her.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> Yeah that's what I was saying. You need to find out *what she is so you *can see if it is *even worth your time*.


She is worth every second of time I put into this. What do you even mean?:mum

Even if she spits in my face when I show her these things I'm not going to be regretful that I've made them. Because she's a wonderful person and I'm not going to make this a projection of me and the things I did wrong. I'm not going to be like "I was wrong about her oh boohoo she's such a horrible person." Because those are words of vengeance and hate. despite the way she ends up being towards me, she'll still be a special person with special qualities, regardless.

Why are we measuring people with "are they worth it" No no no. That's the worst mentality. Since when did we start measuring people by if we can woohoo with them or not? She is worth it already and she's always _been _worth it so her orientation makes no difference. Again. I have no intention of trying to make her fall in love with me. Before I wrote this book, before I did any of this, I might have been. Yeah, probably. I might have been so desperate for companionship that if she didn't like me back, then I'd be angry and fall apart. But then I learned from my wrongs. I learned how detrimental that truly was.

I don't depend on other people anymore. And I am going into this without expecting ANYTHING in return. Not even her kindness. I know what I have and what I am. If she does not like the person that I am, then that is all that can be done. The sun will still come up tomorrow.

Are you saying that I should know her orientation because she'll be _bothered _that I'm a girl? Or are you saying I should know her orientation because you think I want her to love me down?

I was going to listen to you all, I really was. but you guys are really saying some questionable things.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> She is worth every second of time I put into this. What do you even mean?:mum
> 
> Even if she spits in my face when I show her these things I'm not going to be regretful that I've made them. Because she's a wonderful person and I'm not going to make this a projection of me and the things I did wrong. I'm not going to be like "I was wrong about her oh boohoo she's such a horrible person." Because those are words of vengeance and hate. despite the way she ends up being towards me, she'll still be a special person with special qualities, regardless.
> 
> ...


If she is straight and not open-minded why would you keep pursuing this. It will only hurt in the end. If you find out she is straight you just have to move on.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> If she is straight and not open-minded why would you keep pursuing this. It will only hurt in the end. If you find out she is straight you just have to move on.


*READ IT. READ IT ALL, JSMITH92. AND ANYONE ELSE WHO HASN'T BEEN READING MY UNNECESSARILY LONG POSTS? FOR ANYONE ELSE WHO IS TOO LAZY TO GIVE THEIR EYES A LITTLE CHALLENGE? IF NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS DAMNED POST. THEN YOU MIGHT FINALLY UNDERSTAND.*
I have said it multiple times but if you haven't been reading a word of what it say (which is really what it seems like) then read this. If nothing else, read the following words:
I AM NOT DOING THESE THINGS WITH THE INTENTION OF GETTING ANYTHING BACK.

I literally _cannot_ make it clearer than that. I just _can't_. 
And I'm really confused. What do you mean by "open-minded"?
You mean if she is straight and _not_ a decent person? If a person is gay they have to wait for straight people to be accepting enough of that before continuing being gay? What even?

If I were you, I would trash the idea of straight people being some kind of ultimate force who get to decide if they are okay with the gay community or not. That is a detrimental thought in itself, if I ever saw one. Even though, you know. I've _never_ *once* stated that I was gay or bi or any of what you so quickly assumed. But go ahead. Make your assumptions.

So according to your logic, now people who aren't straight, have to be accepted into the minds of reluctant straights _when _they're ready to be open-minded enough? What? If you don't respect that there are people who aren't heterosexuals in the world, then you have your own problem and aren't a person deserving of other people's respect.

Lets tell the tale of a girl and a guy. Since apparently that's the only way you can see it. Lets say a nice neat desirable young boy did the same thing I did. He put a few things together made a Christmas gift. The only thing you would be telling me is "Well if you give her the box and that makes her very uncomfortable, then why would you keep pursuing this?"

But because you can't get past the fact that there are people who aren't straight, you seem to think that I am giving her this box because I want her to be gay for me. Why are you so hung up on this? It wouldn't be hard for you to understand if I was some reluctant dude who was so quick to succumb to your one-perspective negative feedback. I really hope you're not giving me advice based on your situation because I am not _in _your situation and I am actually trying to move on with my life instead of thinking about a box rotting underneath my bed 24/7. I am not trying to shut you up. I am not trying to lessen you down in any way. I'm trying to make sure you are really right about this. That's why I keeping egging you on. I need you to prove me wrong. But with every "no" that I've gotten, I've founds something gravely wrong.

You guys say no and I want to believe you. But you're not giving me real reasons why "no" is the right thing, because you are all being so one-perspective. You are all thinking "Well if I was you." If you are going to put yourself in my shoes try not to bring your negative SA thoughts with it. Don't ever do that to someone. What's the point of bringing down two ships with no probable cause?

Also.

It's nothing about "if you find out she is straight you will have to move on"

So what if she's straight? What does that matter if I'm not trying date her?

It is about "if she doesn't understand what you've given her and is confused or offput by it, you no longer have any reasons to be hung up on this."

And you know what? it's not even about _that._ Because I have already moved on from her! A year ago, like I've said, many _many _times. I did really care for her in a romantic way. And I constantly told myself I needed to move on. And so I did. I have. I'm finishing the box because not because I want her to love me like crazy. Just because I'm not in love with her anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't give it to her. I'm not going to _not _do things just because I can't gain from them anymore.

You know. A lot of you guys are a lot like me, before I met her. You don't understand how I could do something like this without honestly wanting something in return.

Let me break it down.


I was fascinated by her
I really liked the person that she was (in a friendly way)
I started to care a great deal about her.
I started to realize it wasn't just that. I fell in love with her.
I loved her.
I still do love her. You can't just unlove someone. If your mom killed a person would you unlove her? If your mom decided she didn't love you, and disowned you, would you unlove her?
I still love her. I'm just not _in_ love with her anymore. I don't constantly feel romantically impulsed by her. I don't love her in a romantic way or a sexual way. Just a love way. And no matter what you say that's not going to go away. Yet I have moved on. And I don't _need_ to be with her. I don't need it to continuing surviving. I am completely fine on my own. And that's it.
So tell me again, what does straight have to do with this? In the book yes, I say that I love her many times. And if she reads it, she'll know that I fell in love with her. And maybe she won't feel the same things. And so what? Why does that matter, if that's what nobody wants? I don't depend on this box to create a relationship. I'm not even interested in dating anyone right now. What the heck is your problem with this straight business?

Since I'm not worried about her caring about me back, I'm only worried about if she'll be bothered by it, or not. If she's not bothered by it, maybe we can be friends or something. But if she is? Then I'm just going to leave her alone. I'm not going to keep writing about her. I'll know now that I don't have to worry about it anymore.

And then I can finally create new goals for myself, because I will have already done the bravest thing of my life. And I can create a new fear to be afraid of. And I can conquer that too. And it just keeps going going going. Climbing up the steps. This is how you recover. You give and give and give and grow and grow and grow. And you _*never ever* _expect a damn thing in return.

So fight with me. Argue. Please _prove me wrong._ This isn't even sarcasm. I want to believe you. Because I think that you're right. I really do. But you can't have holes in your arguments. I need a reason more than orientation. I need a reason why I should keep this box under my bed and pretend that I never cared about this person.

I can't just erase a person like that. It's not that easy. I can say "I've moved on." But I'm still gonna have to see her anyway. The box will still be under my bed and collect dust. And I'll just always have that "what if" lingering in my mind.

And then, will I ever move on for real?

And last but not least? You mentioned "pain". "It will only hurt in the end"

What worth having _doesn't _hurt? Everything I've done thus far concerning this has hurt more than you can possibly imagine. I never thought I was strong enough, _resilient _enough, to endure such tremendous pain.

Yet here I am.

Things hurt. They hurt, all the time. They sting and puncture your veins. And you'll feel horribly for a long time. And you will _literally_ drown in that pain, if you let yourself. If you sit and complain about the pain and never decide to do _anything_ to prevent that from happening again? You're doomed from the get go.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> *READ IT. READ IT ALL, JSMITH92. AND ANYONE ELSE WHO HASN'T BEEN READING MY UNNECESSARILY LONG POSTS? FOR ANYONE ELSE WHO IS TOO LAZY TO GIVE THEIR EYES A LITTLE CHALLENGE? IF NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS DAMNED POST. THEN YOU MIGHT FINALLY UNDERSTAND.*
> I have said it multiple times but if you haven't been reading a word of what it say (which is really what it seems like) then read this. If nothing else, read the following words:
> I AM NOT DOING THESE THINGS WITH THE INTENTION OF GETTING ANYTHING BACK.
> 
> ...


Before you go assuming what I meant anymore, and making a fool of yourself let me clarify it. Almost 90% of the time, a popular girl is straight. 80% of the time she will have a closed mindset. I am not saying anything against you being whatever sexual orientation you are. I'm simply stating what is probable to occur. This is why I said what I said. I'm done here. Do what you want. I don't care anymore. Show her the box and the stuff you wrote about her and you will see what I have been talking about. There is a 90% chance she will take it as creepy. And if she does she will probably spread a rumor if she is like most popular girls. Popular people suck. If you aren't popular, which I myself am not if it wasn't obvious already, you are looked down upon. That's how society is. It is never going to change. That's what I have concluded.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> Before you go assuming what I meant anymore, and making a fool of yourself let me clarify it. Almost 90% of the time, a popular girl is straight. 80% of the time she will have a closed mindset. I am not saying anything against you being whatever sexual orientation you are. I'm simply stating what is probable to occur. This is why I said what I said. I'm done here. Do what you want. *I don't care anymore. *Show her the box and the stuff you wrote about her and you will see what I have been talking about. There is a 90% chance she will take it as creepy. And if she does she will probably spread a rumor if she is like most popular girls.


Where are you getting these purblind statistics? How many times do I have to tell you the same thing before you read what I wrote. It's literally in the text. It's like you're not even reading what I'm saying.

Did you ever really care? You are just like the rest of them. Get out of my face and just go already. Don't lie to me and tell me that you ever cared what is going to happen to me. I stared at the "I don't care" anymore for a few minutes. And even though I don't even know you, it was still very painful to read. Because it's not just you that's saying that. It's everyone here that has left me to drown in my own problems because they're just that. _My _own problems. This is why we are all here, isn't it? In the end? Because nobody cares and in the end it's just us left. Ourselves. It's all the same. Nothing ever changes. Why would you say something like that to me? Why would you say that to anyone?

If I could say one thing, I would say: just don't say "anymore." Don't say I don't care "anymore". Because if you really ever cared about what happened to a crazy stranger on a social anxiety forum you wouldn't be so completely hostile and insincere. You would be determined to fix the problem. But nobody said you had to be. You're not obligated to care. So don't pretend you ever did.

You can feel negative about yourself. That's fine. You can hate yourself and say that you're never going to talk to that beautiful girl you told me about. But please. For the love of _all _things good. Don't do it to other people. Because they just don't deserve that. You might be right about me. Maybe in some twisted world, I really am creepy for wanting to tell a girl she saved my life and not wanting anything in return. "Look kids! Gather to see the alien creature who doesn't know to express her feelings."

But don't project your no hope mentality on everyone around you. Because no one else deserves that. Maybe you and I do. But not other people. They just don't deserve that. Go solve your own problems before trying to be an online therapist.

In your private message you say that "You get it" and that you have a right to say those things. But if you really got it you would never treat someone how other people have treated you. A person who understands just wouldn't do that.

And before you call me a fool, remember what you said to me. And remember what I said in return. Because unlike you, I'm not going to be hostile and use what you said to me against you. I could tell you that I don't care about the girl that you think is really beautiful. I could tell you that she is stupid and that you're never gonna be with her because you're also stupid. I could tell you that no one is ever going to want you and that _I actually lied and you really are going to die alone_. But those are all horrible horrible lies, and they are just words of hate. Meaningless words of hate. They're a projection of my anger. I wish I didn't care about what happened to a stranger, to you. But I do. Despite what you just said. Despite what everyone says to me.

I could do for you what you just did for me. I could make you feel the pain that a stranger often makes another stranger feel when they are tired of having the burdened of someone out of context. I could really truly be malevolent to you, because I know how. I am capable of doing it. I just choose not to. I like to believe people don't deserve the things that have happened to me.

And the thing is, I'm not you. And even though you've said a very horrible thing to me, I'm not going to condemn you for it. I'm not going to go in the kitchen and take something sharp and do something bad because somebody isolated me and made me once again feel completely alone. Because yet another individual got tired of me because _they couldn't handle it.

_I'm just going to sit here. And I'm going to read what you said again. About not caring. And about how I can just "do what I want" and how she will 90% find it creepy. And I'm going to try to tell myself that I'm not a fool for the words I've said here. Because, I'm not. You're not being honest.

And tonight, I'm going to go to bed. And I'm going to put my head on my pillow and close my eyes. Blackness will flood into reality, and I'll think about all the things I did wrong today, all of the bad things that have happened, and all the bad things that have been said to me today. Your words will be one of them. I will swallow the lump and my throat and tell myself that you are too lost in your misery and I should not blame myself. But naturally. I won't believe it. If everyone you meet becomes tired of you, after a while you just start to believe that you are a tiring person.

And I'm going to cross my fingers you find some hope in your mottled soul. You are so hopeless that is dangerous, and even though I don't know you I worry what you will do to other people because of how repulsed you are by yourself. Reevaluate your life. Don't kill hope just because you don't have any. Anyway. I hope you talk finally talk to that girl with the Japanese/European mix, before she's up and out of your life forever. And if you don't end up talking to her, I hope you find someone else. And I hope you never have to encounter someone who does or says any thing like you just said to me.

I'm not saying this so you'll feel bad for me. Because your pity is the last thing I need. Honest. I am saying this because I hope you nobody in the entire world ever makes you feel this alone. And I hope you stop doing it to other people.

Good bye.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> Where are you getting these purblind statistics? How many times do I have to tell you the same thing before you read what I wrote. It's literally in the text. It's like you're not even reading what I'm saying.
> 
> Did you ever really care? You are just like the rest of them. Get out of my face and just go already. Don't lie to me and tell me that you ever cared what is going to happen to me. I stared at the "I don't care" anymore for a few minutes. And even though I don't even know you, it was still very painful to read. Because it's not just you that's saying that. It's everyone here that has left me to drown in my own problems because they're just that. _My _own problems. This is why we are all here, isn't it? In the end? Because nobody cares and in the end it's just us left. Ourselves. It's all the same. Nothing ever changes. Why would you say something like that to me? Why would you say that to anyone?
> 
> ...


Like I said I am done. I'm too messed up to help you.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> Where are you getting these purblind statistics? How many times do I have to tell you the same thing before you read what I wrote. It's literally in the text. It's like you're not even reading what I'm saying.
> 
> Did you ever really care? You are just like the rest of them. Get out of my face and just go already. Don't lie to me and tell me that you ever cared what is going to happen to me. I stared at the "I don't care" anymore for a few minutes. And even though I don't even know you, it was still very painful to read. Because it's not just you that's saying that. It's everyone here that has left me to drown in my own problems because they're just that. _My _own problems. This is why we are all here, isn't it? In the end? Because nobody cares and in the end it's just us left. Ourselves. It's all the same. Nothing ever changes. Why would you say something like that to me? Why would you say that to anyone?
> 
> ...


And yeah I know you lied when you said I wouldn't be alone forever. Deep inside I know it is true and I always will. I'm just on a course to nowhere and I suck as a human being if I could even call myself that. A better name for myself would be Sisyphus. When I take a step forward I go 30 steps back. That's how my life is.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> And yeah I know you lied when you said I wouldn't be alone forever. Deep inside I know it is true and I always will. I'm just on a course to nowhere and I suck as a human being if I could even call myself that. A better name for myself would be Sisyphus. When I take a step forward I go 30 steps back. That's how my life is.


Why do you dissect the bad things of what everyone says to you? This is literal proof that you have not been reading a word of what I've been saying to you. Go. Read it again.

And before you call me a fool, remember what you said to me. And remember what I said in return. Because unlike you, I'm not going to be hostile and use what you said to me against you. I *could *tell you that I don't care about the girl that you think is really beautiful. I *could* tell you that she is stupid and that you're never gonna be with her because you're also stupid. I *could* tell you that no one is ever going to want you and that _I actually lied and you really are going to die alone_. _*But those are all horrible horrible lies,*_ and they are *just words of hate*. *Meaningless* words of hate. They're a *projection of my anger*. I * wish I didn't care *about what happened to a stranger, to you. But I do. Despite what you just said. Despite what everyone says to me.

What reason do I have to lie to you? How does that benefit me in anyway? I was telling the truth, so don't try to tell me that you "know I lied". Are you alone right now? How are you typing on a computer then? If you can't help yourself no one else is going to be able to help you and that's it. It really is up to you. You're not going to end up alone if you don't let yourself. So stop looking for the bad in everything you see. And plus you won't listen. You won't listen and you won't believe anything anyone says to you. I've never ever seen it before.

Despite all of the posts you make, it really does _seem _like you want to help yourself. But for some reason, you just won't. Why? Why won't you look in the mirror and scream yourself to help yourself? Why do you _choose _to swim in your misery?

And for the last time _*YOU'VE ONLY BEEN ALIVE FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO END UP ALONE UNLESS YOU LITERALLY LET YOURSELF. EVEN IF YOU TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF END UP ALONE YOU STILL WON'T BE ALONE.

*_Whether you believe me or not. That is the truth and if you don't believe it then I can't make it clearer for you. You _have _to decide to help yourself.

Whenever you post in a thread made by someone else, you always make it about yourself. And that really isn't a bad thing because it shows that you want to change. But for some reason you can't. And no one can help you even if they want to. We are not inside your body. We can't change your mindset.

It's like you like being here and writing posts to make people feel sympathy for you, and then when they try to help you you send them off. Why do you do that? Stop calling yourselves these fake names and do something for your life. You _have _to. You can't make the entire world a projection of you. You can't. You are going to destroy yourself.

I can't tell you anything you'll understand because the person who needs to convince you refuses to do it. So i'm just going to leave this here, in case you ever decide to. You have to find hope. You have to find what little good you have left in your life and go from there.

Also who was that 19th person who said no? Willing to step out of the woodworks or no? I dare you. I was probably idiotic to create that poll in the first place.


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## jsmith92 (Dec 30, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> Why do you dissect the bad things of what everyone says to you? This is literal proof that you have not been reading a word of what I've been saying to you. Go. Read it again.
> 
> And before you call me a fool, remember what you said to me. And remember what I said in return. Because unlike you, I'm not going to be hostile and use what you said to me against you. I *could *tell you that I don't care about the girl that you think is really beautiful. I *could* tell you that she is stupid and that you're never gonna be with her because you're also stupid. I *could* tell you that no one is ever going to want you and that _I actually lied and you really are going to die alone_. _*But those are all horrible horrible lies,*_ and they are *just words of hate*. *Meaningless* words of hate. They're a *projection of my anger*. I * wish I didn't care *about what happened to a stranger, to you. But I do. Despite what you just said. Despite what everyone says to me.
> 
> ...


There is no good left in my life. I take everything people say seriously because I know it is true. Even when people act like they are kidding I know they are just trying to redeem themselves for what they said to me. It doesn't matter anymore.
It just doesn't matter. I am a waste of a human being. If I can even call myself that. Even if you tell me I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life I know I will be. It is too late for me. In a year I go off to college if I even get in with my grades. I am so deeply depressed nothing could take me out of this. This is the rest of my life. I'm just going to be miserable. I'm horrible. I myself know how agonizing it can be to not fit in yet I cannot tolerate those who many see as misfits. For some reason a person being anything other than heterosexual bothers me. I know I should accept them for who they are but I can't. I guess it is because I can't even accept myself. I'm also racist. I'm such a horrible person. Tonight I am hoping tomorrow will be different but it isn't going to be any different. The suffering just continues. I'm on a road to nowhere. I've been in pain for so long I cannot cry anymore. I'm trapped. It isn't that I am trying to make people feel bad for me with these posts, it is that I truly think this stuff about myself.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

jsmith92 said:


> There is no good left in my life. I take everything people say seriously because I know it is true. Even when people act like they are kidding I know they are just trying to redeem themselves for what they said to me. It doesn't matter anymore.
> It just doesn't matter. I am a waste of a human being. If I can even call myself that. Even if you tell me I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life I know I will be. It is too late for me. In a year I go off to college if I even get in with my grades. I am so deeply depressed nothing could take me out of this. This is the rest of my life. I'm just going to be miserable. I'm horrible. I myself know how agonizing it can be to not fit in yet I cannot tolerate those who many see as misfits.* For some reason a person being anything other than heterosexual bothers me. I know I should accept them for who they are but I can't.* I guess it is because I can't even accept myself. *I'm also racist.* I'm such a horrible person. Tonight I am hoping tomorrow will be different but it isn't going to be any different. The suffering just continues. I'm on a road to nowhere. I've been in pain for so long I cannot cry anymore. I'm trapped. It isn't that I am trying to make people feel bad for me with these posts, it is that I truly think this stuff about myself.


Why does it bother you? What makes it different than heterosexual? Please, explain. 
And what??? How are you racist?

It sounds a lot like you're just pulling things from no where.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

I'm giving her the box tomorrow.


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## Farideh (Nov 13, 2011)

Wtf...sorry man, but it's really great if you left a few details out. We would have still gave you great advice.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

Farideh said:


> Wtf...sorry man, but it's really great if you left a few details out. We would have still gave you great advice.


what do you mean??


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

I think my first mistake was coming to a social anxiety forum for advice on giving someone a book I wrote about my life.

Why did I ever expect another answer??? Of course no one would agree with me, or why else would they be here? Lol, do you all really know any better than I do???

Just a thought


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

this is creepy, don't give it to her


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## ToeSnails (Jul 23, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> I think my first mistake was coming to a social anxiety forum for advice on giving someone a book I wrote about my life.
> 
> Why did I ever expect another answer??? Of course no one would agree with me, or why else would they be here? Lol, do you all really know any better than I do???
> 
> Just a thought


I don't think you'll be fully satisfied until you hear your own opinion, said through another mouth. I've read your long posts, and I *sort* of understand where you're coming from-- but I have to join the other people on their opinion regarding how you should act. I know you won't listen or do as we recommend, but giving her the box would be too much for the girl to handle-- assuming she doesn't throw it away the moment she gets it, and it is much likely backfire.

Sure, I hope you do give her the box, to see the outcome-- for my own personal entertainment and see how she reacts (assuming you'll post about it here).
I would, however, not recommend you doing it, because entertaining me would mean your demise.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

ToeSnails said:


> I don't think you'll be fully satisfied until you hear your own opinion, said through another mouth. I've read your long posts, and I *sort* of understand where you're coming from-- but I have to join the other people on their opinion regarding how you should act. I know you won't listen or do as we recommend, but giving her the box would be too much for the girl to handle-- assuming she doesn't throw it away the moment she gets it, and it is much likely backfire.
> 
> Sure, I hope you do give her the box, to see the outcome-- for my own personal entertainment and see how she reacts (assuming you'll post about it here).
> I would, however, not recommend you doing it, because entertaining me would mean your demise.


You think it would be too much? I understand. So should i maybe just give her like, the book I wrote? Or nothing?

At this point I actually will listen. It's 3 hours until I have to decide, and now I just want to do what's right. But I no longer know what's write. I know I tend to lay it on thick, but it's only because I feel in a different way then most people do. Even for people I'm not in love with, I always find myself fascinated by them and write about them just to remember them. Sometimes strangers, sometimes not. I'm just a writer, I guess. It's how I express what I feel.

If it really is creepy, I'll just show up and apologize and tell her I've changed my mind. She seemed really eager to want to know, and I was going to warn her that it was quite overwhelming, but I don't want her to be put in a bad position cause of me. I only wanted to thank her, with this gift.

If this is your advice. And if 24 people agree, maybe I'll take it. So many months ago I was angry that no one understood and just called me creepy. But I can't tell if you're just saying that because it's what you would do or because its what I should do.

I am willing to listen however


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## ToeSnails (Jul 23, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> *You think it would be too much? I understand. So should i maybe just give her like, the book I wrote? Or nothing?*
> 
> At this point I actually will listen. It's 3 hours until I have to decide, and now I just want to do what's right. But I no longer know what's write. *I know I tend to lay it on thick, but it's only because I feel in a different way then most people do.* Even for people I'm not in love with, I always find myself fascinated by them and write about them just to remember them. Sometimes strangers, sometimes not. I'm just a writer, I guess. It's how I express what I feel.
> 
> ...


Bold 1: That is for you to decide. Just keep it not too overwhelming, which I imagine the book would be.

Bold 2: She is, too, "most people", isn't she? Her reactions are much likely to reflect those that "most people" here said, they will be.

Bold 3: If anything, if I *really* needed to give her the box, I'd give it to her later. It's her birthday, she is already overwhelmed with everyone and being in the focus. However, only if she still expresses eagerness to receive it.

Bold 4: We're all people here. Whether it's me or you doesn't matter. In the core of things, the situation is the same.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

ToeSnails said:


> Bold 1: That is for you to decide. Just keep it not too overwhelming, which I imagine the book would be.
> 
> Bold 2: She is, too, "most people", isn't she? Her reactions are much likely to reflect those that "most people" here said, they will be.
> 
> ...


I know this is sort of cliche, but no, actually she's not like most people. It's part of the reason why I even made so much stuff and got as far as I did. The only thing really in the box is the book, the paintings, a few drawings (which i'm questioning to just keeping) and two of my favorite books. No one has ever read the book, but me however. I guess because she's so passionate and outspoken, and understanding (or at least that's how I believe she is) I believed she would listen and understand.

I also believe however, it would make her uncomfortable. I'm rereading it, and parts even make me uncomfortable. I've been going back in red pen and writing witty comments in the margins at how naive I was to write a certain thing, a year ago.

I even wrote in one journal about how "it's weird because she's the light of my life?--- there's a pun about lolita in here somewhere..." because "Light of my Life, fire of my loins" is the first line of the book Lolita and now yesterday I stared in disbelief, writing to my past self "How is pedophelia a joke?"

I cant believe I attempted to make a joke about Lolita. :no That book is dangerous in many ways and it's glorified pedophelia. Or so I've heard. Anyway not that you needed to know that. I've just been writing little notes in it when I go a little off the deep end in some of my entries. It makes me smile to reread this and know i'm alot more Rational now. 

it's not her birthday by the way!. That was many months ago. This is just a random day today. I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

ToeSnails said:


> Bold 1: That is for you to decide. Just keep it not too overwhelming, which I imagine the book would be.
> 
> Bold 2: She is, too, "most people", isn't she? Her reactions are much likely to reflect those that "most people" here said, they will be.
> 
> ...


You can see the paintings if you want. I'll private message the blog link to you!

Also, if anyone wants to see the paintings I'd be more than happy to show you. You know what's weird? The fact that I am so much more willing to show my paintings than my writing. Maybe because writing is most important to my heart.

And if a person doesn't like the paintings, it's okay because I know I'm not good at it anyway, but painted only because it makes me happy.

p.s. Thank you for reading my long posts. I didn't say before, but I really really appreciate that. Not many people are willing to do such a thing and it shows you have incredible patience and I'm really thankful, is all.


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## ToeSnails (Jul 23, 2013)

onemoreday said:


> You can see the paintings if you want. I'll private message the blog link to you!
> 
> Also, if anyone wants to see the paintings I'd be more than happy to show you. You know what's weird? The fact that I am so much more willing to show my paintings than my writing. Maybe because writing is most important to my heart.
> 
> ...


If the author is uncomfortable reading her own words, then the reader(especially if the reader is the same person, who the words describe) is very much likely to be uncomfortable.

I'd keep the book to myself as a token-- a memory. I feel it's best if this is how the story ends.


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## onemoreday (Nov 7, 2014)

ToeSnails said:


> If the author is uncomfortable reading her own words, then the reader(especially if the reader is the same person, who the words describe) is very much likely to be uncomfortable.
> 
> I'd keep the book to myself as a token-- a memory. I feel it's best if this is how the story ends.


I wish I could convince you. I wish I could convince everyone in this thread. But I also wish I didn't have to, and wish people shared my hope she would understand.

But people don't and I think that's because it's really true. I'm wrong.

That being said, I think it makes me uncomfortable because I was sort of pretending my best as if I were her? or an outsider reading it? so I was reading it and thinking, is this too much?

I'm scared that if I don't share this book, and write another book, one that is not made for only just one person, that I'll go through the same thing, and I won't be able to ever show it to anybody because I was so afraid of rejection.

Just one hour left. I still don't know, because even if I do what yo usay, I have no idea what to tell her. I am meeting her today and I can't just. Not show up. I said I would bring it, but didn't explain what it is.

Why did she even say yes? Why didn't she ask me what it was? Why didn't she demand to know more and accept my vague, awkward pleas?
I don;t understand.

And it's strange. I just asked a person who told me I should never tell her and forget about her and just let people come to me? which is actually really questionable advice? her words sounded a tad too personal....

and nwo i am questioning the validity of many people i have asked and i feel like i can't decide the biggest thing of my life.

I am scared because i dont know what to do. It's getting time. I'm so obsessed with what people think of me and i really don't want to be anymore.

I also, just wrote this to someone

are the paintings too much too? Maybe I'll just show up in two hours (which is when we're supposed to meet) and tell her i've changed my mind.

I don't know what to do. It's actually odd. She seemed very eager, yesterday, even though I was very awkward about it. Or maybe she was just trying to be nice. But I know that's just because she doesn't know what it is yet. Once she knows, I can't say for sure how to she will act.

This past week I've been rereading the novel I wrote and laughing and smiling at the things I wrote. I bought red pens, and write witty comments in the margin to my past self. It was written almost a year ago, now.

Some of my entries talk about how much I love her, and why I even love a stranger at all. Some entries are about days at school, and me talking about a cute boy that I like. In my book, I call the boy the "Cute Brune" and constantly write comical updates on how he's been in my life that day. I'd write about other people too. I even wrote about serious topics, like molestation. and wanting to die.

Have you ever read the perks of being a wallflower? It's like that, but with a lot more stuff about "love" and what it means to love someone. I guess perks of being a wallflower is only cool if its fiction and hollywoodized.

Its weird. When she used to talk about wanting a boyfriend, I was never jealous. I never actually wanted to date her. I just wanted to write this novel and have her know that it existed here. I wanted her to know that she had completely changed the course of someone's life.

From a glance, I see how that could be extremely overwhelming. Although I'm meeting her very soon and am unsure what to tell her when I show up, now.


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## Genos (Dec 17, 2014)

hopefully this won't repeat itself as obsessing over people you don't even know is extremely unhealthy. all you're going to do with this book is make her uncomfortable and then any chance of any kind of relationship beyond acquaintances you had with her will disintegrate.


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