# Boyfriend has a problem with me drinking.



## alipaige (Jan 8, 2009)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now.

And as things progressively got more serious, he's gotten progressively more irritated with the fact that i like to go out with my friends and drink a little bit every now and then. No harm in that, right?

After a couple of incidents involving me going out, drinking, smoking, and having a good time with friends, he told me he wouldn't be involved with a girl who does "those types of things". You see, he's straight edge (someone who takes a vow to not drink, smoke, have promiscuous sex). He's known from the beginning of our relationship that I only do these things every now and then, and have always been responsible about it in the past.
Just because he's so strongly against these things, doesn't mean that I have to be too.

I think maybe it's because he's scared that i might cheat, but I've explained over and over that I would never do such a thing.

He said he wasn't going to "force" me to do anything, but he's asking me to choose, which is basically making me quit, right? It's keeping me from doing what i want to do. So I chose to continue on with the relationship, and told him i would stop drinking altogether for our relationship's sake. Because he insinuated that if i did otherwise, then we would be through..
And yet he still refuses to admit that he's "forcing" me to stop, because he doesn't want to be "that type of boyfriend"..when from my perspective, he is..

It's not really the drinking that's important to me, it's the fact that I feel like I'm being told what to do. I'm grown, 19 years old, I should be able to make my own choices, right? It's the principle of the matter.

And because I have SA, alcohol is the only thing that makes me mellow out, talk to people, have fun, and be just be myself without the constant worry of people judging me. My boyfriend doesn't know I have SA, but he knows already, obviously, that I'm "really shy", just from experience. I've tried to explain to him that alcohol breaks the barrier between "shy" me and who i really am, which is charismatic and fun. But in his eyes it's just a "crutch"

Am I right in feeling frustrated in this situation? 
Help me out, guys. :b


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## solasum (Nov 17, 2008)

He probably just wants the best for you, but it still seems controlling. I mean, I don't like smoking, but I wouldn't stop someone else from doing it.


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## Andre (Feb 27, 2004)

Would you rather be in a relationship with this kid or would you rather drink alcohol? I would choose the latter.


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## IDK (Jan 16, 2009)

alipaige said:


> Just because he's so strongly against these things, doesn't mean that I have to be too.


This.

I don't think people should get into a relationship with the idea that they are going to change the other person because they can't, and they have no right to either.

Dump him and find a guy that likes to party


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## Wirt (Jan 16, 2009)

tell him to compromise instead of being so controlling. sounded like you were trying to from the beginning since its only now and then.

seems like a stick in the mud to me. but i usually butt heads with people that look at things so cut and dry, it has to be this way or no way type of people


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## adsf321dsa (Dec 4, 2008)

I'd drop that guy like a hot rock. He obviously hates watching other people enjoy themselves because he can't reach far enough behind to pull the pole out of his bumhole.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

alipaige said:


> I'm grown, 19 years old, I should be able to make my own choices, right?


Don't change for someone else. Change only for yourself and if you want to.

If he can't take you as you are, you're not really a match.


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## alipaige (Jan 8, 2009)

I appreciate all the advice, you guys. :thanks

I don't want to break up with him, because it seems breaking up with someone i really care about over the fact that i want to drink and party makes me seem like a little of an alcoholic, you know? Makes me seem like I'm choosing the booze over him.

What I will do, however, is try to compromise. Hopefully i'll come up with something that makes us both happy. :drunk


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## homer (Nov 23, 2008)

He sounds controlling. How serious is he about the relationship if he is ready to drop it if you don't change your habits for him?


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## Noca (Jun 24, 2005)

Underage drinker!


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## dyssomnia (Jan 17, 2009)

yea i used to be straight edge too. the key phrase there is "used to be." 

but him making you choose is not right. he says he won't force you but he gives you a ridiculous ultimatum? the fact is you like to party and he doesn't. i don't know how much you like him or he likes you but i wouldn't want to be with someone who is just constantly pushing their beliefs on me. especially if it involves limiting my social life when it is already limited by social anxiety.

and plus there is a 95% chance that he is going to get drunk or high one day and never look back. just throwing that out there :b


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## Brightpaperwarewolf (Oct 16, 2008)

alipaige said:


> I appreciate all the advice, you guys. :thanks
> 
> I don't want to break up with him, because it seems breaking up with someone i really care about over the fact that i want to drink and party makes me seem like a little of an alcoholic, you know? Makes me seem like I'm choosing the booze over him.
> 
> What I will do, however, is try to compromise. Hopefully i'll come up with something that makes us both happy. :drunk


It has nothing to do with booze at all. Replace booze with any activity, thing, person and you'll have the same action. If he knew you were into these things in the first place, why is it so important for him for you to quit? Sounds like straight insecurity to me. Even if you submit, you won't be happy, you'll be longing for the good times drinking with your friends instead of hanging out with your boyfriend who made an ultimatum for you to be with him.

At the same time, you sound pretty wise, because relationships are about compromising. If it was meant to be and you really want to be with each other, you'll do whatever it takes to come to some kind of balance. But at the same time, don't let him walk all over you.

Good luck!


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## Paul (Sep 26, 2005)

There is the fact that you're breaking the law. If you're dishonest enough to break the law, that may make it harder for him to trust you in general.


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## Just Lurking (Feb 8, 2007)

dyssomnia said:


> yea i used to be straight edge too. the key phrase there is "used to be." but sXe kids are usually stuck up elitists who think they are better than those who drink and smoke. it's really just an attempt to be "different" especially at the highschool age. but all they are doing is discriminating for no real reason. man if you don't want to drink and smoke, keep it to yourself.


OK, what? Stuck up elitists attempting to be different and discriminating for no reason? Isn't that taking it a bit far?

There is nothing wrong with being straight edge or not drinking/smoking. What is discriminating and why should they "keep it to themselves"?.. like it's an ugly (non-)habit or something.

And as far as high school goes, I generally found it was the partiers who were high on themselves and used the straight edge types as target practice for bullying. If there's a problem at the high school level, it's not the straight edges causing it.


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## dyssomnia (Jan 17, 2009)

Just Lurking said:


> OK, what? Stuck up elitists attempting to be different and discriminating for no reason? Isn't that taking it a bit far?
> 
> There is nothing wrong with being straight edge or not drinking/smoking. What is discriminating and why should they "keep it to themselves"?.. like it's an ugly (non-)habit or something.
> 
> And as far as high school goes, I generally found it was the partiers who were high on themselves and used the straight edge types as target practice for bullying. If there's a problem at the high school level, it's not the straight edges causing it.


never said there was anything wrong with it. i guess i was just referring to the extremists who rep sXe hardcore. sorry for taking the thread off topic. i'll edit the post, my little rant doesn't belong in the thread.


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## screwjack (Dec 19, 2008)

Straight edgers are as retarded as stoners or druggies or anyone else that joins a clique to identify with. If you want to quit do it for yourself and your relationship but don't do it for him or you'll end up being bitter at him sounds like you already are. It's in both of your best interest in the long run as the break up will be uglier when you eventually break up in the future.


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## UltraShy (Nov 8, 2003)

alipaige said:


> And yet he still refuses to admit that he's "forcing" me to stop, because he doesn't want to be "that type of boyfriend"..when from my perspective, he is..


There's no force here. You're free to find a guy who doesn't mind you drinking and he's free to find a girl who is just as opposed to drinking as he is.

Personally, I think having a few drinks once in a while would be a pretty stupid reason to break up. But your BF is free to hold whatever views he wants and if being "straight edge" is so vitally important to him & drinking is so vitally important to you that you two can't come to a compromise then I guess a break up is the only opion left.

Also, when did Alabama lower the drinking age to 19?


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## pita (Jan 17, 2004)

He sounds like he's insecure and has control issues. My ex was like that, but I was too afraid to leave him; I just snuck around, doing the things I wasn't "allowed to do" but in secret. 

You've definitely got reason to feel frustrated.


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## BeNice (Jan 2, 2004)

Brightpaperwarewolf said:


> It has nothing to do with booze at all. Replace booze with any activity, thing, person and you'll have the same action. If he knew you were into these things in the first place, why is it so important for him for you to quit? Sounds like straight insecurity to me. Even if you submit, you won't be happy, you'll be longing for the good times drinking with your friends instead of hanging out with your boyfriend who made an ultimatum for you to be with him.


This is how I feel. I don't think it's about drinking.


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## Cypress (Dec 17, 2008)

What's up with all the anti-underage drinking comments? Just because our country decides that we're old enough to die for our country but we're not old enough to drink, doesn't mean I, or most people 18-20, will listen.

Anyway...

If you care about him as much as it sounds like, why can't you tell him about your SA? 

It sounds as if (and I think you said this) that you've been drinking since you met him, and he knew that going in. Did you ever get drunk while around him? I know some people really are annoying while drunk. Maybe he was fine with you drinking until he was around you drunk and saw you're not the girl he thought you were?

I'm not saying that you're like that, but it's possible. Some of the girls I know seem great while sober, but while drunk they're the most obnoxious girls in the world who flirt with everybody despite being in a relationship, as if the alcohol is a good excuse.

Although I do think it would be unfair for you to dump him over this issue, if you don't first tell him about your SA. If this guy is really worth it, him learning about your SA will at least make him reconsider his thoughts of you drinking. He may or may not agree that alcohol is an okay coping method, but at least give him a chance.

If you don't trust him enough or care about him enough to tell him about your SA if it's about to cause the breakup, well then I don't expect you'll be hurt very much by the breakup :stu

I'm sort of just playing devil's advocate here, trying to go against the grain with all of those people saying to just dump the guy, just giving you something else to consider.


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## rocknroll (Nov 11, 2003)

The big red flag I see here is the trust issue. If he doesn't want you hanging out and drinking with friends because you might cheat, he may restrict you from other social events where he is not present. I would test this. If you can manage to socialize without using alcohol as a small crutch for opening up and having a good time, hang out with friends and check his reaction. 

He's overreacting as far as I can tell. On the other hand, you have to be careful using alcohol as a social medicine.


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## nicoleSA (Apr 6, 2009)

I have the same problem with my partner, only difference is we live together, and i do admit i use alcohol to be more 'normal' in social settings, it's the only way i feel comfortable out. not good but just how i am.


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## Amarth (Jan 1, 2009)

Dont get involved with people that try to control you.


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## Girl_Loner (Mar 17, 2009)

Compromise.
You wouldnt force him to start taking up drinking and smoking, just as
he should'nt try to make you choose. Maybe he thought he could handle what
you do for fun, but realised over time that he just can't. Thats fair enough in my opinion, right? He should be willing to talk about it and see you side of things. I think dumping him would be a bit hasty, unless of course he
doesnt even want to disscus it..then I'd probably concider ending things.

straight edge guys are *drool*
:um


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## Speratus (Jan 24, 2009)

screwjack said:


> Straight edgers are as retarded as stoners or druggies or anyone else that joins a clique to identify with. If you want to quit do it for yourself and your relationship but don't do it for him or you'll end up being bitter at him sounds like you already are. It's in both of your best interest in the long run as the break up will be uglier when you eventually break up in the future.


I'm sorry, but I think your generalizing a bit here. I consider myself to be a "straight edger", and furthermore I don't see what your generalization has to do with the post. Just because I don't do any of those things though doesn't mean I would expect somebody else to simply to accommodate me, as it's a choice I've made for myself about my life, not something I feel needs to be pushed onto others. Now, if I got together with a girl who is a flat-out alcoholic that may be a different story, but only because alcoholism can be destructive in itself. I wouldn't care if she drank so long as she could do it somewhat responsibly. (Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant here but generalization is BY FAR my pet peeve.)

As for your take, I think trying to find a way to compromise is definitely the best solution. From the sound of it he isn't trying to give you an ultimatum just telling you something he doesn't like. If relationships broke at each and every disagreement then I doubt there would be many in the world today. Now if he gives you an ultimatum (drink or leave) then I think your decision should easily be the latter.


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## Gordon2108 (Oct 23, 2008)

Speratus said:


> I'm sorry, but I think your generalizing a bit here. I consider myself to be a "straight edger", and furthermore I don't see what your generalization has to do with the post. Just because I don't do any of those things though doesn't mean I would expect somebody else to simply to accommodate me, as it's a choice I've made for myself about my life, not something I feel needs to be pushed onto others. Now, if I got together with a girl who is a flat-out alcoholic that may be a different story, but only because alcoholism can be destructive in itself. I wouldn't care if she drank so long as she could do it somewhat responsibly. (Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant here but generalization is BY FAR my pet peeve.)
> 
> As for your take, I think trying to find a way to compromise is definitely the best solution. From the sound of it he isn't trying to give you an ultimatum just telling you something he doesn't like. If relationships broke at each and every disagreement then I doubt there would be many in the world today. Now if he gives you an ultimatum (drink or leave) then I think your decision should easily be the latter.


Saying 'its through if you dont stop drinking' is an ultimatum.


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## Bredwh (Jan 24, 2009)

I've never drank, done tobacco, or done any drug and never will but I don't consider myself part of the "straight edge" movement. I do it because I always want to stay in control. Who knows what I would do if I didn't?
:twisted:evil





































Alright maybe I'm exaggerating.

Anyway, although I ideally would want all such substances made illegal I wouldn't try to force someone to stop unless it was hurting them and I cared about them.

It's possible he is afraid that though you said you wouldn't cheat, under the influence of alcohol you may not be in control and he is afraid you might cheat without realizing what you're doing. I don't know.


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## Cyanar (Apr 8, 2009)

UltraShy said:


> There's no force here. You're free to find a guy who doesn't mind you drinking and he's free to find a girl who is just as opposed to drinking as he is.
> ...
> But your BF is free to hold whatever views he wants and if being "straight edge" is so vitally important to him & drinking is so vitally important to you that you two can't come to a compromise then I guess a break up is the only opion left.





Cypress said:


> If you care about him as much as it sounds like, why can't you tell him about your SA?
> ...
> If this guy is really worth it, him learning about your SA will at least make him reconsider his thoughts of you drinking. He may or may not agree that alcohol is an okay coping method, but at least give him a chance.


I agree with these. At least let him know so he might be able to understand you more. You never know- it may indeed make him reconsider his thoughts on you drinking. But if you're both firm on your own ideals, then a break up is probably a better option.


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## screwjack (Dec 19, 2008)

Speratus said:


> I'm sorry, but I think your generalizing a bit here. I consider myself to be a "straight edger", and furthermore I don't see what your generalization has to do with the post. Just because I don't do any of those things though doesn't mean I would expect somebody else to simply to accommodate me, as it's a choice I've made for myself about my life, not something I feel needs to be pushed onto others. Now, if I got together with a girl who is a flat-out alcoholic that may be a different story, but only because alcoholism can be destructive in itself. I wouldn't care if she drank so long as she could do it somewhat responsibly. (Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant here but generalization is BY FAR my pet peeve.)
> 
> As for your take, I think trying to find a way to compromise is definitely the best solution. From the sound of it he isn't trying to give you an ultimatum just telling you something he doesn't like. If relationships broke at each and every disagreement then I doubt there would be many in the world today. Now if he gives you an ultimatum (drink or leave) then I think your decision should easily be the latter.


You misunderstand I don't have a problem with people who abstain from drugs and alcohol I just have a problem with people that turn it into an entire lifestyle along with anything else. "Dude i'm so exxtreme and clean! watch me skateboard!" I feel the same way about stoners who are perpetually stoned and wear bob marley tshirts and talk about nothing but "legalizing the herb man!" 24/7 (just another example)


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